The Washington times., 1894-06-17
BECKY SAARP'S GOSSIP;
The WASHINGTON CONSCIENCE

It Is said that mans conscience cannot
successfully survive more than two years in
the wear and tear OF life in Washington.
Whether this is SO or not / don't pretend to
assert, for I've been in Washington more
than two years myself, and how can I be
sure enough Of my own conscience to judge
of anybody's else? But when man whose
name is synonymous with integrity said to
me Of lobbying, "After all is told, it's per-
fectly legitimate, you know" couldn't help
thinking tina. perhaps in Washington we do
get little queer in our notions Of what is
legitimate. We can't lift an eyelid without
sighting something that isn't criminal. to be
sure, nor yet illegal, and still-draw your own
conclusions.
know one man high in office, who. when
he goes away for the Summer, to make sure
of his butter on his return gives the man Il
place as messenger in his department. There
is another official who works his butler and
the government in different way. He saves
n buffers wages entirely by keeping the man
on the government payroll the year around.
The arrogance OF Office occasionally undoes
mans wife no end OF bother still she is some-
what fortified for the trial by the sympathy
born of a common lot she Is on the govern
ment payroll herself and SO are the three
children.
The law regulating the vacation OF govern
ment employees reads: "They shall not be
allowed more than thirty days absence. p"
This. OF course, is always interpreted that
they are obliged to take SO much. One
ambitious young doctor employed in the
Treasury Department makes most ingenious
use of this privilege. He reduces the thirty
days to hours, and applies this leave of alb
sence to every day in the year, giving him
two hours per day out OF working hours,
which he devotes to his proies sion. By also
having his zig at the Office door ut noon and
eating his lunch as he goes he makes profcs-
sional visits between bites during the noon
hour, and so has managed to work up a
practice. without prejudice TO God, mammon ,
or the interests Of his country.
nice old lady of my acquai ntance, and
whose Inva-iable reply TO the usual "How
do you do today is Just able TO G around.
thank you." is always spry enough on the lst
and 18th OF each month to get down to the
Interior Department aud draw the pay OF an
Office which she lets out to Il young woman
Mt half rates. This office-brokers business is
SO well established and generally known that
a person seeking office. after exhausting
every influence. advertises, as you no doubt
have frequently seen, something like this:
"S1OO cash and 40 per cent. monthly to any
one securing me place in office paying $50
per MONTH"
"what lovely ring" exclaimed to a
young woman.
isn't it" she replied. approximately. "Xr.
a,1l natI NOT IAnsv hot q
would be worth thousands of dollars TO him
to know in advance of the official announce
ment how a certain bill would be reported to
the House. I'm papa's clerk, you know, and
he is chairman OF the committee that has the
bill. So tho day before i. was reported l
quietly gave Mr.. So-and-so tip, and this
flashing the magnificent sapphire In the sun
this is my reward OF merit.
The very smart turnout OF another woman
whose friends know came in something the
same way When certain Indian lands were
reported soon to be opened to the public an
extensive lunberman of the Northwest was
here and gave her some very pretty sport.
She is remotely related-that is to say, is re-
lated by marriage to the Interior Department;
that the lumbermanS nicely calculated
Jumps on the most valuable lands were
synchromous with madame's flash upon the
Mall-she said herself it ali resulted from a
little transaction in real estate"
-.
lived in the same house with a Senator's
family myself once. One rather expects the
government to look after such items as ink
stands, pens, pencils. penknives, and that sort
of thing in the family OF a government offi-
cial, but when one day l admired the cork
screw with which the Senator's daughter
drew her corks. and she said if l wanted one
papa would get me one up at the Capitol
we'll that did seem to me like working the
paternal in government a little too hard.
Did you ever trace the rise and fall OF
conscience in Congress-
1t is but yesterday that one appeared in our
midst. grain OF gold in the evil sands OF
moral insensibility. fresh and smiling oasis
in the desert oil congressional ethics. You
passed it on the avenue, and it giaddened
your benumbed soul with the radiant inno-
cence of its face. You shook hands with il.
and were rejuvenatei by the magnetic force
OF its grasp. \ spoke to it, and breathed
deeply the fragrance of its fair devotion TO
constitutional principles with which its every
syllable was fraught. Not Il measure came up
in Congress that had in it the suspicion of
iniquity or the remotest potentia!ity of guile
tha this conscience in all the serene majesty
OF its pure intention did not arise. and with n
lation that ever and anon threatens to sweep
over the dikes OF oar Democracy.
Congress -men with large G. 4. r. element
in their constituency. who heretofore had as
sembe! az the Capitol on Friday nights and
undistu:beI had followed the unhallowed
practice OF leg,slating pensions as the neces-
sites of elections might demand, suddenly
perceived iu their midst the voice of con-
science making the point CT mo quorum
Broken up in business, they pleaded, they
threatened, they offered him plums out OF
their own pie; they got mad and swore lie
should have no pie. Still regularly on Friday
night, persistent. tanti..izing and tautoogicai
as Pocs raven. the voice OF conscience con-
tinued to exclaim: No quorum Then mem
bers who from time immemoria had been a.
customed to getting themselves paired and
quitting Congress to follow their fancy. the
races or any ether attraction wherever it
led. struck II snag. Without warning the
voice of conscience rang il their ears a long.
lost rule providing that the pay of members
shall be docked for absence.
-.
But it was when some member in wild
flight of oratory. or in the blind ardor of a
job-ridden cause. walked rough-shod over the
Constitution. it was then that conscience re-
vealed its depth of wisdom and divine intent.
The souls OF Clay and Calhoun seemed REIN
carnated in a single form. and this was with
us only yesterday. What OF to-day? That
form remains in all its original, purity and
power of outline, but its voice. finally went
in search OF it. said to him right out. ''See
here, Conscience. what's the matter? I've
been listening for you. and / haven't heard
you make the point of no quorum or object
to single thing this session What is more.
in all the recent to-do about docking MEM
bers in order to o5lige them to play bali you
haven't said n word that will go laundering
down to posterty. What is it? Is the wear
and tear OF life in Washington too much for
you? Tell me-"
The "soughing OF the wind" on night in