Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1894-12-14
JOKES AND JoKERs.
soMk or THE FUN AND FuNMAkERs
or eYaoNE DAYS.


Bulls.
There is more real humor In mod
ern clodhopper than in an ancient phi
losopher. The jokes that have come
down to us from Greece are mostly poor
stuff, but college boys are glad to get
any comfort at all from root grubbing.
and therefore they laugh at Diogenes
and Aristophanes 1t is said that the
old oynio begged a tub to live in and
toted this about where no liked and
squatted under it when he pleased.
When Alexander called on him in this
palatial residence, he asked what he
could do for him. "Get out of my sun
light" said Diogenes That was tolera-
bly, good, but uncivil. The nasty old
cub with his tub could be duplicated by
thousand tramps in America any day,
and many of them are doubtless nastier
and smarter Plato is said to have
preached fatality. When rogue ran
against him with beam and excused
himself as ''fated to do ii, Eyes, !"
said Plato, 81 see, but / also am fated
to beat you for it, !" and gave the fellow
a good Gaming. For sportiveness Horace
was the most pleasing of the ancients.
but his verses are very amatory and
some Of them more suggestive than a
French play. Charles Lamb is worth
90 of him, only that Horace could be a
poet when he chose of a different sort
Homer's picture of Thersites is the old
est burlesque that remember A joke
coming down from 1000 B. G. ought to
be pretty good. Win M. Quad last ~
long?
English joking is generally heavy.
Here is one told by James Payn. A wit
ness in slander case swore that Miss
lies was thrown over the wall dozen
times What, said the judge who
was Miss lies, and why did they throw
her over?" 1t was missiles Icannot see
anything SO very funny in Sydney
Smiths wishing he could, ON certain
hot day, take off his flesh and sit in his
bones. But Hood and Charley Lamb are
brace that no one ought ever to be
without. ! have given up trying to keep
complete set Of either. They are bor-
rowed and relished, and, suppose, read
10 pieces.
Hood was capital in every direction
he turned. whether pathos, satire, pun
or pure joking. His taking off Of cele-
brated characters was as good as any
thing. You should first read Boswelps
johnson" and then read Hoods
Johnsoniana. But does anybody read
Boswell nowadays? Alas, for once ia
nous booksl Hood, says johnson, was
once consulted by lady as to the de-
gree Of turpitude and spanking due her
boy for robbing an orchard. Madam, |"
said the ponderous doctor, it all hangs
on the weight Of the boy. l remember
my school fellow, Davy Garrick, who
was little fellow, robbing dozen or
chards with impunity, but the very first
time climbed an apple tree, for I was
always solid, the bough broke. and ii
was called Judgment ON me. ! sup
pose that is why justice is represented
with pair of scales. T"
Sheridan was the best Of jokers, but
half that is attributed to him is floating
wit that needed O father. 1t is probably
true that he asked his roistering but
highborn crew one night whether they
should drink like beasts or like men.
Some one said, ''Men, of course. " "Oh,
then," cried Sheridan, "we'll get aw-
full drunk, for beasts only drink what
they need"
Irish wit Is famous the world over.
Part Of it consists in the brogue, but it
is rare that an Irishman has not sur
prises of speech, in which consists the
wit of the highest order. LIE Fanu, in
his Seventy Years of Irish Life, =" has
collected great deal that is delicious.
A witness that was badgered by law
yer was asked, You're nice fellow,
now, amt your" Witness answered,
81 am, sir, and if were not ON oath.
sir. I'd say the same of you. Another
witness was asked by bullying coun-
SELL 80 you had pistol?" II had,
sir. /" "Who did you intend to shootF''
"I want intendin to shoot no one. "
$50 you got it for nothing" mo,
didn't" "Come, comel On your oath,
what did you get that pistol for?' "For
three and ninepence, sir, in Mr. Rich.
ardson's shop"
The Irish bull is often better than
any deliberate wit Sir Richard Steele
insisted these bulls were owing to the
air Of the country, "and, sir, he add.
ed, 'if an Englishman was born here,
/ don't doubt he'd do the same" In a
debate ON taxation an Irish member Of
parliament insisted that "a tax on leath.
er would press heavily on the barefoot
ed peasantry." Sir Boyle Roche replied
they could make the under feathers oi
wood" The same Sir Boyle urged the
union Of England and Ireland, 80 that
"the barren hills would become fertile
valleys" In another debate he answer
ed, II boldly answer in the affirmative
MOP He was author Of "You should
refrain from throwing open the food.
gates of democracy, lest you should
pave the way for general confagra-