Crawford avalanche. (Grayling, Mich.) 1879-19??, 1894-02-01
HUMOR OF THE WEEK.
STORIES TOLD By FUNNY MEN
or THE PRESS.
Many Odd. Curious. and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed
by Eminent Word Artists Of Our Own nsy
"A Budget Of Fun.
spr,nkles of Spice.

PEELED to add 20 per cent. for meE
who are not.-Atchison Globe.
AN editor thinks that people OF
the right stamp are those who In
close return postage.-Texas Siftings
THE dentist who devotes himself to
pulling aching molars Ia necessarily
painstaking ll0w.-Buffalo Courier.
IT is a singular fact that the
"blunt" man Is apt to make the most
cutting remarks. -Glens Falls Re-
publican.
THERE isn't hack or carriage in
town that has the rich, heavy rum BILE
that accompanies the beer wagons
Atchison Globe.
THERE Is 10 parity between to
pose Of the preacher and the reposc
Of the bald-headed men in the corner
seats. Plain Dealer.
HE-"Has the time seemed long
since left. dear?" She-"I know il
must have, for ] can't recall when
you went Inter Ocean.
WHEN washerwoman changes her
place OF residence one may ask her
where she hangs out now" without
us ng slang. Boston Courier.
Il NOTICE that you've got new
man to take up the collections in
your church" "Yes; the timG, are
ticklsh now. He gives bonds in
S5, 900. Judge.
BRowN-"That wife of yours just
fills the bill" JOnes-"She more
than does it. The last one that
came in ran clear over to the next
page. "-l)etroit Free Press.
CAPTAIN OF PoLICE-How far shall
90 in carrying out this order to
break up the anarchist meeting? Su.
perintendent-- Even to detailing
man to steal their key of beer
Puck.
"DoN'T you think Lella's complex
ion is lovely" said one dear girl to
another. "Yes; that's one thing that
| admire about her. She always buys
the best in the Market Washing
ton Star.
"OH, George" she cried, show l
| wish you were knight in armor!"
"Yes," he responded, obviously, Eek
cept that those fellows did so much
talking through their hats. Wash
ington News.
fellows. Filkins--Most people don't
| regard him as such. Jinks-That's
true; Lut princes seldom get there
by popular suffrage, you know.-Kate
Fields Washington.
"OH, l say, Smithers, why are gas
meters like the Arabs?" "Don't
know, Jonesy. Because every mans
hand is against them?" "No. Be-
cause they evidently silently steal
away. New York Recorder.
TEACHER (reading)-"The actor re-
ceived an ovation at the end Of the
first act What does ovation mean?"
Bright Boy-"Ovation is derived from
pvum-egg-oh! / knOw-he was
pelted with eggs. Exchange.
| The INvENTOR-Ah! ha! My for
tune is made! Hooray! His wife
How? The Inventor--I've just per-
fected a duplex reversible device for
automatically indicating to a woman
whether her hat is on straight
Chicago Record.
"WHAT is the reason you only give
| me one egg instead of three, as usual"
asked Mr.. Upton Shocks, one OF the
Widow Flapjack's boarders. 1T is a
fresh egg. / can give you half a
dozen of the other kind il you want
to swap, replied the landlady.-Texas
Siftings.
! OATS de mos wun'fullest ting,
dat is, remarked Uncle Eben. as he
gazed at the electric light. "Dey
done put de match to de udder end
Oh de connection, an when you turns
on de spigot de light jes' flows out. !"
Washington Star.
Mrs. BACKBAY-What a solemn
thing 1t is for two people to wed; to
cleave to one another till death does
them Fart. Mr.. Jackson Parke-
| Isn't it, though? I'm mighty glad
that folks don't have to marry or any
such cast-iron conditions nowadays.
indianapolis Journal.
| ANXIOUS MoTHER-"I wish, Susan,
that when you give baby bath you
/
the water is at the proper tempera-
turc." Susan-"Oh, don't you worry
about that, ma'am; don't need no
'mometers. II the little one turns
red, the water is too hot; IL it turns
blue, it's too cold. It'd bits.
aI'M afraid you're not enjoying
yourself" said the Boston hostess to
her guest, Mrs. Suddencash, as the
orchestra finished the second move
ment Of the symphony they had gone
to hear. "Oh, yes" said Mrs. Sudden
cash. amiably. az shall enjoy it
immensely as soon as they quit turn
in up and begin playin. Chicago
Record.
HUSBAND (triumphantly) = "Fve
done it. 1 have played two games Of
clnch blindfolded." Wlfe-"Well,
I'd like to run out for half an hour.
| Suppose you psiS the bre,d, mind the
baby, stir tbs PUDDING, haste the
roast, watch the vegetables and an
swer the door-bel} for awhile. You
| needn't be blindfolded." York