The herald., 1894-08-26
JOKES AND JOKERS.
COME OF THE FUN AND FUNMAKERs
OF BYGoNE DAYS.

VI Dr1ONE DAYS.
From Diogenes to More Modern Men-The
English Furnish Rather q Heavy Glass of
Observation-Disclosures Supply of Irish
Bulls.
There is more real humor in mod.
ern clodhopper than in an ancient phi
losopher. The jokes that have come
down to us from Greece are mostly poor
stuff, but college boys are glad to get
any comfort at all from root grubbing.
and therefore they laugh at Diogenes
and Aristophanes. 1t is said that the
old oynio begged tub to live in and
toted this about where he liked and
squatted under it when he pleased.
When Alexander called on him in this
palatial residence, he asked what he
conld do for him. sect out Of my sun
light, said Diogenes. That was tolera-
bly, good, but uncivil. The nasty old
cub with his tub could be duplicated by
a Thousand tramps in America any day,
and many Of them are doubtless nastier
and smarter. Plato is said to have
preached fatality. When a rogue ran
against him with beam and excused
himself as ''fated to do it," eyes"
said Plato, 81 see, but also am fated
to beat you for it, and gave the fellow
good Gaming. For sportiveness Horace
was the most pleasing of the ancients,
but his verses are very amatory and
some OF them more suggestive than
French play. Charles Lamb is worth
30 of him. only that Horace could be a
poet when he chose Of a different sort
Homer's picture Of Thersites is the old
est burlesque that remember A Joke
coming down from 1000 B. G. ought to
be pretty good. Will M. Quad last as
long?
English joking is generally heavy.
Here is one told by James Payn. A wit
ness in a slander case swore that Miss
lies was thrown over the wall dozen
times. what" said the judge. "Who
was Miss Iles and why did they throw
her over?" 1t was missiles. cannot see
anything so very funny in Sydney
Smiths wishing he could, on certain
hot day, take off his flesh and sit in his
bones. But Hood and Charley Lamb are
a brace that no one ought ever to be
without. have given up trying to keep
a complete set Of either. They are bor-
rowed and relished, and, / suppose read
to pieces
Hood was capital in every direction
he turned, whether pathos, satire, pun
or pure joking. His taking off of oeles
brated characters was as good as any
thing. You should first read Boswell's
"Johnson" and then read Hoods
"Johnsoniana. But does anybody read
Boswell nowadays? Alas, for once IA
nous books! Hood, says johnson, was
once consulted by lady as to the de-
gree of turpitude and spanking due her
boy for robbing an orchard. madam"
said the ponderous doctor, ''it all hangs
on the weight Of the boy. / remember
my school fellow, Davy Garrick, who
was little fellow, robbing dozen Or
shAyf cfihhugG All BBplhsn tBBp lhntr tbe fE6aFY @as
always solid, the bough broke, and it
was called Judgment on me- / sup
pose that is why justice is represented
with pair Of scales. -
Sheridan was the best of iokers, but
half that is attributed to him is floating
wit that needed father. 1t is probably
true that he asked his roistering but
hlghborn crew one night whether they
should dri : like beasts or like men.
Some one said, MEN, of course. " "Oh,
then, cried Sheridan, "we'll get aw-
full drunk, for beasts only drink what
they need"
Irish wit is famous the world over.
Part of it consists in the brogue, but it
is rare that an Irishnlan has not sur
prises of speech, in which consists the
wit OF the highest order. Le Fanu, in
his Seventy Years of Irish Life" has
collected a great deal that is delicious
A witness that was badgered by law
yer was asked, YOU'RE nice fellow,
now, amt you?' Witness answered.
II am, sir, and if 1 were not on oath,
sir, I'd say the same of YOU" Another
witness was asked by a bullying coun-
sci, 80 you had pistol?' II had,
sir. " "Who did you intend to shoot?"
II want intendin to shoot no one."
$50 you got it for nothing?" "No, l
didn't. " Come, come! On your oath,
what did you get that pistol for?" "For
three and ninepence, sir, in Mr.. Rich
ardson's shop igrI
The Irish bull is often better than
any deliberate wit. Sir Richard Steele
insisted these bulls were owing to the
air Of tho country, "and, sir" he add
ed, "if an Englishman was born here
l don't doubt he'd do the same.'' In a
debate on taxation an Irish member of |
parliament insisted that "a tax on leath-
er would press heavily on the barefoot
ed peasantry." Sir Boyle Roche replied
they could 'make the under feathers of
wood" " The same Sir Boyle urged the
union of England and Ireland SO that
1.-THE barren hills would become fertile
valleys" In another debate he answer
ed, II boldly answer in the affirmative
Mop He was author of "'You should
refrain from throwing open the flood
gates of democracy, lest you should
pave the way for general conflagra-
tion." AT race an Irishman was de-
lighted because he was "first at last"
When they laughed, he added, "Sure.
wasn't l behind before One day a
friend of Bishop Bramstone approached
him with the remark that he wanted ga
wife, young, rich and pretty" and he
wanted the bishop to pick her out for