Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1894-01-28

out loud barbarlc yawps, but this Is
not essential to tbs cure 1, is the
massage treatment that tells. III this
KIND OF a tonic is not what his system
te9ulres he will know IL right or IL
VIII perhaps be advisable TO write to the
coroner 10 be present
was one OF the 80, 900 spectators
VINO witnessed the contest between
are and Princeton on THANKSGIVING
Day. wen, early and got good seat.
lie players were 4 fne-looking set OF
YOUNG men, that Is, before the rioting
began. There was one Yale player, a
na'i tackle. or something OF the sort.
who Interested me very much. lie was
sueh pretty boy, before the game
started. / don't know his name, so
called him johnnie Cake. because he
was nattened out so much.
Johnnie was not in the storm centre
during the hrst round, but be got into
apersonAl difficulty with several Prince
tons, who Knocked him down aud
stamped on him so literally that IL
sounded like the patter Of mules hind
leGs on the ribs OF a htred man. An
johnnie got was black eye aud 4 few
Internal Injuries.
Johnnie did much better in the next
round. Ono OF the Princetons "punted"
And Johunie assumed the position uf
right-angle triangle with his head
towards the zenith. l lost sight OF him
IN the seeing mass OF arms and legs.
out could hear his smothered hoyyls
while the Princetons' left tackle was
trying TO twist his ear OF. During this
round Johnnie's nose acquired a per
nanent curvature OF the spine. His
mouth was partially showed up under
"a 40
trying TO say, gum mucilage" and
couldn't.
In tho fourth round the Princetons
plowed up the ground with Johnnie's
nose, propeiling him over the ground
by the legs something Ikea wheelbar-
row. Here IL was that most OF his pleas
ant expression was scrunched oil. lie,
however, shook their society, and dived
mead hrst into the molee without taking
time TO 30 back and look for his teeth.
/ never did see anyone so entirely given
up TO mirth and frivolity as was that
boy.
In the last round Johnnie came up
smiling, but there was something pain
ful in the expression when he tried to
cheer. 1t was even sadder than the
burial OF Sir John Moore "by the
moonbeam's misty light. aud the Ian
tern dimly burning" His other feat
ureS had also been read justed, mono OF
them being IN their accustomed places.
johnnie will come around all right
as the fracture OF his skull is only
superficial, unless the broken bones OF
his leg refuse TO become reconciled and
decline To reunite, and peritonitis sets
IN. An operation will, however, have
10 be performed on the section valve o!
his epigastrium.
Although football combines the most
attractive features OF railroad col
llsion. being kicked by mule, falling
down an elevator shaft and being run
over by trolley car, 10 will not become
| popular method OF committing suicide
as long as people can uti' 70 tho less
painful route OF swigging carbolic
| acid
Several friends, who would like to adj
minister on my estate, have urged me
TO join football team, but as nature
forgot TO provide mo with skin three
Inches thick like that OF n rhinoceros,
] have hemmed and hawcd, and held
back. ] might join IL | were permitted
70 wear n jOinted suit OF chilled steel
with large pointed spikes sticking out
all over IT,, but this, | am told, is con-
trary 10 the rules OF the game. The
following pen portrait OF football en-
thusiast has no charm for me:
His occiput was shattered.
Aud his frontal loOe was battered,
And his brains were badly shattered
On the ground.
His back was dislncated,
And his elbows both mismated
AND his flesh was dissicated,
All around.
forgot to mention that the Prince
tons, won, but il is not too late to re-
mark:
Hurrah hurrah, hurrah, tiger s.s-s-
boom, an! HObb'e, gobblc, hobble,
gobbie, s-s.s-bOom, all! Princeton,
Princeton, ran, rAh, rah.
ALi,X SWEET.