The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1894-11-11


to foot
The judge who pointed his cane at a
prisoner and exclaimed: There is a
great rouge at the end of my cane, +"
was not pleased when the man looked
hard at him and asked, coolly: cat
which end, my lord?"
Legal retorts are very numerous and
often very good. Sometimes they take
the form of a spar between opposing
counsel and sometimes that of face
tious remark addressed to the Judge,
as in the case "Woodcock VS.. Bird, -
when the chief justice, happening to
remark that birds should live together
in harmony, the counsel for Mr.. Bird
replied: Yes. my lord, they should;
but my client complains of the length
of the plaintiffs billr'
Most frequently, however, the re-
'partee takes the form OF pointed re-
mark by witness to a bullying law
yer How do you like your bacon and
beans?" MIR. Cookie once asked a wit
ness. BOILED, but without cookie
sauce was the satisfactory reply.
IN fact, it is rather the fashion
among a certain class of witnesses to
decry the legal profession on all posi-
bic occa sions. OF course, such persons
betray a very poor appreciation of the
immense benefits the profession con-
ferS upon and receives from society,
but some men are never satisfied I'M
less they are disparaging something of
alleged utility These are the men who
would second the prayer uttered by the
deaf Dean of Ely when, following a
speaker who had commented upon an
extraordinary epidemic OF mortality
among barristers, and whom he had
heard, he said, For this
and every other mercy. may the Lord
make Us devoutly thankful
llcIat nar
enjoyment perhaps, arises from the
sense of spontaneousness and admira-
ton at the readiness of the speaker
who may have been taken at a disad-
vantage. Most piquant, however, is the
situation when one who has been
tossed and gored'' suddenly springs
TO his feet and extricates himself
brilliantly. In such a case there is no
heavy firing from the fort, but the fort
has 10 be retaken. OF this class was
the retort of D'Orsay to the facetious
Tom Raikes, disehr and dandy. but
whose face no amount of dandyiSm
could beautify, 1t being deeply pitted,
the nose especially. with smallpox.
The latter had sent the gay Alfred a
copy of offensive verses anonymously
which, being shown about, caused
great laughter at the beau'S expense.
To maintain its assumed character. the
letter had been sealed Stael. so that he
O'OrSay) knew who was the writer
The next time he saw Raikes at the
club he called out: The next time,
mon cher, you write an anonymous
letter, don't seal it with your nose. -
This was coarse, wanting in finish,
but none the less effective.
The ffattery offered to Louis XIV
by the men of genius was at
once coarse and exquisite. Witness
the inimitable reply of Mignard who
was painting the kings portrait for the
tenth time, when Louis asked him;
do 1 look older?"
Il see a few more campaigns on the
brow of your majesty"
One of Louiss marShals, Bassom-
pierre, was great at repartee. He had
spent ten years in the bastile, and, on
emerging, his majesty asked him his
age. Fifty sire" To the surprised
look of the king the marshal added
Il don't count the ten years [ passed
in the bastile, because l did not spend
them in your majesty's service"
Louis found amusement in Bassom-
pierre's retorts-a curious Illustration
of the pleasure that is sometimes de-
rived from remarks that might reason
ably be supposed to be far from flatter-
ing On one occasion he was telling
the court how he first entered Madrid
as ambassador. 'I was mounted" he
explained, ION the very smallest mule
in the world
have been an amusing sight to see the
biggest ass in the place mounted on Sc
small a quadruped.
With a profound obeisance came the
rejoinder. II was your majesty's repre-
sentative"
1t is remarkable what a number OF
historical retorts concern themselves
with the patient donkey and his analo-
gy TO man. 1t would be easy to find a
hundred stories in which the imphca-
ton conveyed was that some one was
an ass.
by Jover' said country squire who
had got the worst of an argument with
Sydney Smith, eff l had a son who was
a donkey, I'd make a parson Of him
straight away"
Possibly" returned the wit. "but
your father was evidently of a different
mind This is one type. Here is an
other: A man had his portrait taker
with his children in donkey carrfag e
Showing it to a friend he asked his
opinion of the likeness Its the very
image of you" was the verdict, ''but
who is that holding your head?"
Here is still another specimen thai
recalls the Society upon the Stanis
law" Two gentlemen in an auction
room were disputing the possession O
a picture by a celebrated painter
which faithfully represented an ass
Finally one of them said: MY deal
sir, it is of no use, shall not give in
The painting once belonged to m!
grandfather, and l intend to have it."
"Ohl in that case" replied his rival
suavely, Il will give it UP. 1 think vol
are fully entitled TO it if it is one o
your family portraits Next to thi
we may place the retort of the IriSl
girl, who caught in the act of playing
on Sunday morning, and being accosteC
Good morning, daughter of the evi
one" replied promptly: Good morning
fatherp'
Lord Cockburn, after long stroll
sat down on a hillside, besides a shep
herd and observed that the sheep Sc
Ilected the coolest situation for lyins
down. Mae" said he, II think, if
were a sheep, 1 should certainly have
preferred the other side of that hill.
The shepherd answered: CAY, my
lord; but if We had been a sheep, "
would have had mair sense"
Another great wit made better re
tort when his morbid taste was com
planned Of in going to see Lord Iowa
beheaded. He explained that he mad,
amends by going TO the undertaken
to see the head sewed on again.
Rival editors are renowned as mas
tiers Of repartee. As an example, W,
may recall that worthy who said tina
his opponent was mean enough to stea
the swill from a blind hog, and re
Iceived the retort: ut is in all gentle
mess that we refer TO him as Twin!
liar We never stole his swill."
Occasionally a retort has enabled
mankind to appraise an act of heroisn
at its true worth, as in the case of tn
imam who Boosted of having been al
through the battle where the bullet
were thickest. This was not denied b.
a hustander who hoMeYer eXnlainet