News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1894-03-01
BOOK OF GROVER.
By Hezekiah, the Scribe.

which DegaG RuUn anu ESGLleI anu
the panic and the Hawaiian trouble,
Nr.1 vexed with vexatiOn exceeding,
as they listeth not to the
locality where they abideth at.
For behold, in the beginning they
girded up their loins and went before
the people, crying with a loud voice,
Verify. we say unto all men that we
are Groverites from exceeding far
back, and woe unto We who forget 1t.
And verify, we hold in exceeding
great detestation that which the
children of men called the tariff, for
is it not a thing fashioned by our
enemies, the same which hath licked
the everlasting stufting out OF US
from generation to generation?
Yea, verify, this same little pro-
tective tariff it buildeth furnaces in
the valley and smokestacks on the
mountain top; it turneth the wheels
of progress and causeth the desert to |
blossom like unto a green bay tree.
Wherefore do we of the tribe OF
Grover the great despise the same as
a curse and an abomination in the
sight of men.
Yea. q stencil that offendeth our
nostrils, the same which we smelleth
from afar off.
And behold, in the great and terri
BILE day of the ballot, when the armies
of voters be gathered together, shall
we arise in our might and smite our
enemies into mincemeat.
Yea, we shall lay them out cold on
the platform of free trade, and cover
them over with planks of tariff res
form.
And our enemies shall be scattered
like unto the leaves of the forest, for
Grover shall rend them into frag-
ments like unto potter's vessel, the
which hath been smitJen by the flip
per of a youth, and then shall the
end come.
For in that day shall our banner
be planted on the outer wall of the
great citadel of the nation, and we
shall bow down unto Grover, our
deliverer, who shall thencetorth be
known as our Saviour on Mount
Buzzard.
And he shall reign for four years
and shall shower good times and fat
offices and special messages and free
raw materials upon US in rich abun-
dance forever.
And the black smoke of industry
shall no longer obscure the MONDAY
sun, and the farmer shall wear pants
woven in foreign parts, and socks
from the isles of the sea.
And it was even so. And after the
space of time, Grover, who was a
mighty fisher, girded up his lines and
his chattels and his Cabinet and went
up and pitched his tent over against
the Capitol, which is in the land of
Columbia, and the band played be-
hold the cat hath come back.
CHAPTER II.
Now when Grover was crowned
king of the Nation, it came to pass
that he was pulled up in the pride of
his heart and his other yiscera, mas
much as his raiment became several
cubits too small to contain his oblots.
And he shook himself by the hand,
which is after the manner of his
tribe, and spoke unto himself, say
ing, ha, hal
! Behold, | am monarch of all | can
get. Four years more of Grover;
four more years ia clover! o Ameri-
ca, America, how often would | have
gathered We under my wing, but ye
would not.
But now | have We on the hip, and
We are confronted with a condition,
not a theory, for behold | will rule or
ruin ye!
Yea, verify, to commence with, l
will brandish my great silver sEsprd,
and all who believe on me and u my
will shall be saved, all who don't
shall be broke.
And | will call my soothsayers to-
gether and they shall tinker at the
tariff, and when they have finished
their tinkering Mckinley, the father
of the factory, will not recognize the
same.
And it shall come to pass that all
we who harken unto the sound of my
voice shall have seWing-machines
from Glasgow at cost and ten off,
and corrugated copper gaskets from
the ends of the earth.
And when Grover had spake these
words he crew thrice and the people
went out and wept bitterly.
CHAPTER Ill.
And after the space of a time it
came to pass that when the shep-
herds took of the firstlings of their
flock and sheared them, and went up
to the city to exchange their feeces
for pieces of silver, the wise men of
the season said unto them: Not this
seasonl Some other season. Yea,
Grover is great. He is all wool and
yard wide, but the slump in wool is
several cubits wider.
And the shepherds marveled ex-
ceeding, and some of them, yea even
they which had hardened unto the
voice of Grover, smote their breasts
and went up and down with bent
heads crying one to another, Be
hold, if thou wilt kick me | will do
even so unto thee"
And when the diggers of the earth
went up with their silver and lead
and precious stones and said to the
money-changers, "Give US food that
we may eat and clothing that we
may dress up," the money-changers
laughed little cold hard laughs and
sang songs of great sacrifice, saying,
"Grover, Grover, four years more of
Grover; we would buy your lead, but
times are dead, till four years are
over" and other psalms.
And when they heard the psalmists
many hired kickers and others tore
their hair and all the inhabitants of
the nation said damn.
And it came to pass that the storms
came and the panics descended and
the children of darkness lifted up
their hands and wrung them in great
lamentatioR. say wing:
Wherefore art thou, Grover, our
deliverer, and wherefore are the good
times at?" and a mighty voice came
back from the wilderness, saying =
"The President is fishing and must
not be disturbed. Salt Lake Trib-
une.
ONE OF THE DANGERS OF MEXICO -
"The principal pest of Mexico" said
E. p. Brewer of Central America, sis
the scorpion. In damp or wet wealth
er he is omnipotent, and in hotels
can be seen to run up and down upon
the walls. He is about four to six