Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1894-01-11
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phases
OF Human Nature Graphically Portrayed
by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day
"A Budget OF Fun.
sprInkIes OF snIce.

The man who is driven to drink"
usually has to walk back. -Yonkers
Statesman.
SOME people succeed in taking time
by the forelock, but they cannot hold
him, Galveston News.
No, MAUD, dear, all meetings of
the lumbermen are not board meet
ings. Philadelphia Record.
WIGGINs says that popping the
question" is questionable proceed
ing. -Binghamton Republican.
No MAN was ever so much in love
that he found himself unable to sleep
Sunday morning. -Elmira Gazette.
You can't tell what man will do
in horse trade by the amount of
noise he makes in church. RAMS
Horn.
UNLIKE the photographers, the
dark room in counting is mainly used
for developing alternatives --Phila-
delphia Times
The toy-plstol victim comes once a
year, but the crank who wants to
shoot Niagara Falls is perennial. -
Washington Star.
WHEN pretty girl prefers a pug
dog to a young man for an escort,
who is the joke on, anyway?-Cleve-
land Plain Dealer.
The top-heavy exuberance of Ia
dies cloaks makes shoulder-hitting
involuntary on the public walks.
Boston Transcript.
Mrs. FARbAR--T hear you give
much for charity?" Mrs Tumtum-
81 suppose so. My hired girl has lots
of relatives. Exchange.
HE-"Where ignorance is bliss tits
folly to be wise" She (enviously)-
"My, my; how supremely blissful you
ought to be, Exchange.
"JAwLEY was at the clublcstnight.
"Was he? Did he talk?" "Yes."
what about?" about half the
night "-Harper's Bazaar.
SNooK-I always believe in calling
spade a spade, Crook So do 1; ex-
cept when | am trying to fake
through club flush. Puck.
JUDeE--"Can't you and your hus-
hand live happily together without
fghting!" Mrs. Mulcahy-."No, yer
amer; not happily brooklyn Life.
TRAVELLER 49, Now, what ought
little boys to say when gentleman
gives them a penny for carrying his
bag? Small boy-'Tain't 'nough. -
Tit-Bits.
A COMPLAINT of 4-year-old "Oh,
aunty! l just went to touch a little
chicky, and the old hen growled at
me, and bit me with her nose"-Bos-
ton Courier
PROFEssoR-How are the bivalves
divided? Student-They amt divid-
ed at all. You swallow EN- whole
with little lemon juice and pepper
sauce, Exchange,
YoUTH-How am i to know that
this bicycle is a model Of 1913? Dealer
My dear sir if it were not a 1913 we
should not dare charge so much more
than it is worth. Good News.
New YORKER don't see any
grass in our streets, anyway" She
Qrom Philadelphia)-"No.o. Must
be the climate. The soil is certainly
rich enough. "-Brooklyn Life
HE-"Do you think | could get
pass on your fathers road?" She
mo; they don't pass anything but
dividends on his road. I've h ard
him say "-Life's Calendar.
This looks like a good farming
country" said a traveller in North
Dakota to a native. what do you
raise mostly?" "The limit" replied
the latter, briefly Exchange
The personal estate of the late DR..
John H. S. Fogg, of Boston, includes
autographs valued at $25. 900. His
heirs will appreciate how much there
is in a name.-Philadelphia Ledger.
GOOD SAMARITAN-"Don'tyouk know
better than to drive that poor horse
up hill so fast?" O'COnnor-"Up
hill, is it? Oh, begorrah the nag's
blind and he can't see it!"-Life's
Calendar.
Mrs. CoMEHoME-"You say you're
a good washer and ironer; how do
you tell when the irons are too hot?"
Servant docking for a place)-"How?
BY smelling the burning linen, mum,
of course"
DURING the siege of Paris French
lady, driven by hunger to eat her pet
dog, exclaimed when she had finished
her meal: "Poor Fitlne how pleased
she would have been to gnaw her own
bones"-Le Papillon.
THE SAGE-"In choosing wife,
young man, you must not look for
beauty alone" The Youth-"Of
course not. 1t is the other kind of a
girl that one may expect to find
alone indianapolis Journal
How is your new oil well doing?"
"It's only a light producer" "You
didn't expectanything else, did you?"
why not?" @The ultimate object of
Ill oil wells is to produce light. -
olttsburg ChroniCe-Telegraph.
MCGoBB-"I see they do be talkin'
av havin free letter delivery for tn
farmers. What do you think av it?" |