The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1894-09-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

always ouGlI6ly GOO DIS ~ WILL O"o-
UeStOD NeaOS.
If you notice, the fellow who pays
his way is the one who weighs his pay.
-BufaLo Courier.
There would be fewer high monu-
ments if we had to buy them ourselves.
Syracuse Courier.
If "to the pure all things are pure"
then let them have all the strong but
tef.-G G0lUeSto7a Nea0S.
Hearts are like apples-they fall
when they are ripe and get picked up
by the first-comer.-Kat Fields Wash
iaagtor1.
Experience teaches the agriculturist
that the hardest thing to raise on a farm
is the money to run it.-RGch1,sorad Dis
patch.
Clerk-Are you going to discharge
me- thenP Druggist-Yes; / think we
can dispense without you.-HnrUard
Lampoon.
She-Mamma says would make oi.
ideal wife. He (regretfully)-And |
am looking for real wife.-Detrot
Free Press.
"You were born in America?" Dem
nis-"Yes, sir" Parents foreignersP"
Dennis-"No, indade! They're Irish"
Christian World.
Wigwag referred to a conversation
he had had with two female deaf mutes
as a "little exercise with the dumb
bellies. -PbiladelplsiG Record.
Stranger-Do you belong to this
cityp Denizen-No, Oh don't. The
city belongs to me. Oi'm member of
the force.-Boston Transcript.
80, Mr.. Longhead, 1 just saw Char
ley Greene eloping with your wife!"
Good! Now I'm even with him. He
sold me horse last week. Life.
While one can follow his own judg-
ment in a good many things, when il
comes to literature it is just as well to
go buy the book.-BufaIo Courier.
Mrs. Booboy-Do they have to take
any obligation when they are admitted
to the barp Mr.. Booboy-Er-yes, on
Sundays and holidays. Detroit Iai6-
aI7se.
wagon sellin' condensed milk. l won
der wot that's ferp Mrs. Hayseed-l
guess that's fer people wot lives il
hats.-LJe.
Patient wish to consult you in re-
gard to my utter loss of memory. Doc
tor-Ah-yes-why-er-in this clas'
of cases always require my fee in ad
vance.-Puck.
Counsel-You say you met the de
fendant the afternoon of the 26th. Wa
he in his normal condition. Witness
| Certainly: he borrowed half crown
Half Holiday.
"America has no standing army,
believe" said the foreigner. at is clea
YOU haven't spent much time in tn
street cars of this great country" re
piled the native.-1rstth.
Jillson says the impression that Amer
lean wine is no good is doubtless largei.
caused by the fact that so many peopl
are daily leaving this country for som
foreign port.-Bs.falo Courier.
Smith, Jones-How do you manag
to keep up your mental energy SO well
Smith-Brown-My wife gives me
piece of her mind every morning befor
, l start TO work.-Harlena Life.
) Merchant-Hello, are you bac
againp Clerk-No, sir. Merchan
| \SuI pTIS6u w H1e w you LAOcsh' NAOA
} JUST what you did by asking me sue
a question.-Detroit Free Press.
!. Jollicus-Hello, old boy! VIII
you're looking splendid. Been avs
on vacation, l suppose. Henpeck-
No; 1 have staid at home, but my wi
is away on hers.-M Y. Herald.
A girl is perfectly justified in lookir
| Txyl
e tries to convince her that diamond rim,
are no longer fashionable for engag
? ment purposes. Merchant IrdUeLer.
: The sarcastic girl always says lots
! brilliant things in the course of h
! career, but she doesn't usually get ma
. ried as young as the majority of h
! high school classmates do.-S0me1Uil
: :, Journal.
: The Judge-I should think you wou
: be sorry for having so far forgottt
: yourself as to throw plate at yol
wife. The Prisoner (penitently)-
d am, your honor; that plate cost
: cents. s.-Bufalo Courier.
i Seedy Stranger-Yas, sir; 1 cut a
e slashed an fit all through the wa
b Bartender-Have drinkP What figf
r were you IMP Seedy Strangely
$ want in no fights; was tailor the
s days in Canada.
!! "Well," said the moody philosophe
L "this world amt anything but f1eetir
g show, anyhow" "That's so," said t
L chronic pessimist. "An' jes' at prese
e the performance is mil ghty doggol
}; poor one. - Washington Star.
: At Gettysburg-"Found any Ian
II marksp" "Yes; and / was thinkil
4 how you must have expanded since Il
n war. Here's the tree you stood behil
J; during the whole battle and it cover,
q you well then. Harlem Life.
d "Doan' nebbah try ter comfo'ht
t man by tellin' i'm is troubles might
s wus," said Uncle Eben. "It soh'tt
. tickles er mans pride ter feel dat ht
q beatin' de record. eben when hit com
ter misery. Washington Star.
Doctor-Don't be alarmed. l W
sicker than you are year ago, al
with the same trouble. Today 1 a
= well and hearty. Patient (anxiousl,
. %, doctor! tell me who was yo
. physician?- -BroaOni'1g's Illustrated.
: Mrs. Youngblood Ito orchestra lead
n at summer hoteD-What was that Ion
a dreary thing you just playedP Lead
9 Dot vos vrom Vogner. Mrs. Youn
e blood-It was not pretty. Leader
Q vas not indended to be.-Hdrten1 LII
e Scribble-Did you see anything of
/ bundle of manuscript I had mark
n "1877P" Mrs. Scribble-No. An
d thing Important Scribble - The
were some seventeen-year locusts jok
in it. 1 thought might try 'em
e again. Harlem Life.
a Exasperated Young Mistress CATER
l. wordy argument with her cook)-Wh
s. Bridget, it's perfectly absurd! Eth
s you or l must be crazy. Bridg
e (proudly)-Surea and wouldn't be
, bold as to think ye had no more sin
than to keep crazy cook.-TTuth.
Mrs. Hightone-It must be so col
forting to hear such good reports fro
your daughter at Vassar. Mrs. Nal
prop-Yes, Emily is a bright girl, al
am very proud of her. Only yeste
. day she said in her letter that she cou
surely wear glasses by the end of Il