The Newtown bee., 1894-01-19
We've Got It At Last, Ye Crusty Old Bachelors, A Substi-
 ute For Woman.

We have been adding to our stock Ot furni- ture at HawIeyville patented article espe cially made and adapted to doing the things d woman can. An article that, in some lines of labor, can accomplish more than any ten Of the SmarteSt women you can pick out be- bone ot the Rockies substitute and, on woman. Now when you realize how long time it is since an improvement has been made, or even thought of, on woman as originally planned, you must ac knowledge that we've "struck it rich'' for these hard times, but we wish it distinctly un derstoOd that we have formed no league TOT the extermnation or crOwding of woman of | the sphere. We still hold to the opinion that she is q real necessity, but you know there are lots ot men-crusty old bachelors, geneF ally-who take an opposite view and believe | that marriage and women in general are colossal failures of the first magnitude; seem- | ingly tender hearted men, too-men who would take pains to warm the water when | drowning female infants. These are the men who argue that the first man and his pros pets and his descendants and their prospects 1 were seriously injured, crippled and almost | plotted out by that miraculous surgical oper l ation on his rib There are thousands of just | this class ot men in the country, enough of | them so that 1t seems to us there must De | money in it tor us to boom and push the sale | of this article and we have made arrange ments with the manufacturers to keep us sup piled with all styles and sizes. We acknoWl. | edge that our motives are purely mercenary, tor you must know that it is very distasteful | to us to willingly do anything detrimental to | the interests ot the fair Sex, and especially anything that points toward substitution or extermination, but, dear friends, times are hard and we must do something to keep the | wolf from the door. Hunger has even been | known to cause men to slay and eat 8 boon companion and fellow traveller. Our princ1- pal industries at Hawleyville, as you have | been told, are in the main furniture and the natural propagation of pollywogs. The pas sage ot the silver bill did not seem to help us much. During July and August the polly wog hatcheries in the great north frog ponds were in a wonderfully prosperous condition. We could point with pride to countless m mli. lions; great fat fellows with tails so large that they could almost Waggle the wog. "Hafd times," with it's insdious, invisible work
 ings, struck the country, and about the time the Wilson bill was reported and so many in dustries suddenly became paralyzed we dls- covered that every p9!lywogs tail tail was be dropped of. Yes sir dropped 6 ,,,t1I 4nt, has bee1 ed S9 'Wf With heated discussions upon the tariff, the wogs themselves
 have followed the example set by the tails and dropped off also; not Wog nor tail to be found in all our vast eXpanse o1
 hatcheries, and yet they have been held strict
 ly aloot from the contaminatlng influence o1 the partisan press. There seems to be nys
 teTiOus, unheard, unseen, sympathetic under
 every town and hamlet and frog pond of oul
 country, carrying men and beings on to rum
 whether they will or no Such paralyzlng O
 the wheels of "infant industries" was never before known in Hawleyville. Therefore
 tair readers, we feel that you will pardon u:
 for engaging in the sale ot an article so detri will soon lift and we may be able to say anG
 do something that will help you your .u cause e,a as
 
 to, whether the clouds lift or not, tor come te
 think, we have one ot your own sex right II if our family that we've sworn to look alter ane IT | sustain thro' thick and thin, storm and tenn "A | pest, sun shine and shadow, tariff or no tariff
 But to the men who don't believe In woman and are looking for substitute we say com,
 and see us, we've got just what you want
 You can run it yourself if you want to and 1 - can't run you Wears no silks nor trills aDt
 eats no bon bons. Will do everything in it . line you ask it to, but sew on suspender but ' tons. It draws the line there (what woman l doesn't), but we look during the year for al . improved button sewing attachment whereb. we can run man right through without dis
 robing him and in four to six revolutions ses
 on every button, mend his pockets and creas his trousers In the meantime don't forge
 that although the air is filled with rumors (
 hard times, we are still distributing furnitu1
 at HawleyvilIe as of old and we are no'
 headquarters in Western Connecticut for Ih NEW HOME SEWING MACHINE. Don't yo
 buy till you sec us; you'll be sorry if you dt A. c. BAKER,
 /, New Furniture Warerooms, Opposite Unie
 Depot, Hawleyville. Conn.