The Wichita daily eagle., 1894-02-04

JUST FROM AFRICA.
but generally the post mortem showed
that instead Of wisdom it was appendi-
citis. Here in England 1 find cases OF
the same kind among the higher grades
of mammalia.
Professor Garner, as an English friend
of mine said this morning, has garrered
(sic) good deal of knowledge regarding
the monkey tribes and their dialects.
Garnered, as the reader will see, is a
play on the name Garner and is rather
ingenious, think; not half bad, really.
The monkey Of southern Africa, it
seems, is in favor of African slavery
while the northern monkey is an aboli-
ZIONIST. did not know this until Pro-
fessor Garner told me about it. The
northern monkey believes in making of
the African a man and brother, but
does not want his daughter to be sister
to him. The southern monkey believes
that tho Africans nose, such as it is,
should bs counted for congressional rep
resentation, but that his political infiu-
ence should 60 no further.
Professor Garner also says that mon
keys have revivals Of religion and re-
lapses into sin. He believes that all mon
keys are born in sin, and that even the
very smallest and newest born who die
before their eyes are opened, unless they
have como out from the world and led a
better life. are lost.
Politically the monkey is Mugwump,
the professor says, and believes in abso-
lutte purity at the polls. He talks a great
deal on this subject and then on election
day goes cocoanutting, leaving the ballot
box in the hands of the gorilla, who is
known to be corrupt.
Socially the monkey enjoys life to the
full and drinks tho cup Of earthly joys
to its very dregs. Some tribes, says Pro-
fessor Garner, have morals. They at
tract . great deal of attention among the
other monkey tribes.
The last few years the chimpanzees
have made great strides in the matter of
education and what they call advanced
methods. Corporal punishment has been
abandoned, and teachers who get drunk
and fall off the perch during prayers are
expelled. The gorilla colleges are now
running more to athletics, Professor Gar
ner Gays, especially pugilism and foot
ball. A photograph of gorilla football
team dressed in their sweaters and by
gosh hair is one of the sweetest pictures
Professor Garner has brought home with
him.
Pugilism, however, is the favorite
branch of the whole curriculum, the
branch from which, as l may say, the
monkey longs to hang by his tail. Even
after the tail has become merely rudi-
mentary with the monkey, pugilism is in
the senior year.
The gorilla advanced method of ed
ucation has for its motto, ''Avoid the
rush till the proper moment; then mix
things" DR.. Garner had the misfortune
to be present when middle aged goril-
Ia. class of '72, while taking postgrad-
uate course, had the i'll fortune to break
his neck. He got his diploma Just be-
hind the submaxillary gland, followed
by mark of good conduct under the
chin.
Last Sabbath I began here the pleas
ant duty Of attending all the London
churches at the rate of three per day, but
learning that there are 500 government
churches and 600 nonconformist / gave
1t up and went to the Geological gardens,
where l could see the speckled hyena
and hear him squeal through the fence.
! see very little difference between the
honconformist churches. save that some
hss more literary prayer, while others
raise the temperature of hell 10 to Is de-
srees. Otherwise the general good work
goes bravely on, and semifeminine rec
Tors in well laundered stoles offer elocu-
honary reprint to feminine congrega-
lions, while wicked men send their con-
.ributions by messenger boy and remain
anregeuerate. Why is this?
II is serious question. Why should
man. who stands in more dire and terri
bleneed of reform and the development of
his better nature than woman, be so
poorly represented on Sunday at church?
The clergyman says it is the Sunday pa
per, and the Sunday paper says it is
mighty dull clergyman who cannot make
himself more interesting than the Sun
day paper. Possibly it is because in many
instances the paper deals directly with
human events, while the sermon is the
aftermath of library.
The queerest sensation experience in
visiting the old world coming as I do
fresh as dewy cowslip from the new,
is that 1 am surrounded on all sides by
historic things, and feel like chrome
On the walls OF heNatican.
Here. there and eyerYwhsre. wherarar