davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
MISSING MEN TURN Up.
T. O. Hathaway, of bridgeport, and Geo.
Kelsey, of TEtnsvilIe, Found

Kelsey OF tt1tuaHAlioi ADuAu
About half-past seven o'clock last
evening Frank c. Hathaway, Of Bridge
port, whose sudden disappearance last
week was duly chronicled in the REGIS
TER, returned to his home as unexpect-
edly as he had left. Owing to the i'm
pediment in his speech, he was unable
to give any connected account of his
absence, but from what could be made
out he had been wandering alone in the
interior of Belmont county since Tues
day, and it is likely the sudden change
In the weather brought him home as
much as anything else.
News reached Ktnaville yesterday
that George Kelsey, whose absence was
noted in Saturdays REGISTER, was at
Covington, KY, visiting relatives. The
news was a great relief TO his friends on
the Ohio side Of the river.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

SPRING 1894.

We call attention of the fine trade of
wheeling TO our large ana handsome as
sortmenJ OF Foreign and Domestic Wool
ems. embracing ali the Spring Novelties
for 1894 our work Is superior in style
and finish and our prices are reasonable.
a full line Of Gents Fashionable Furnish
ings, including our popular 26c Half Hose
on hands.
c. HESS s. SONS,
Fashionable TaiIors and Gents Furnish erS,
1921 aRd 1898 market street.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
Intsre.tLng 7. y. Z. =. servloe..

Yesterday afternoon az 4 o'clock there
we're interesting Easter services at the
Y. NJ. c. A. Rev. DR.. Buckley made an
appropriate address 10 the young men.
Some OF the members also had prepared
special music for the occasion aud It
was we'll rendered. There were flowers
In proiuSion, and the services were all
listened TO with fCose attention by the
large crowd or young men present, This
evening the Easter social will be held.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
RBeeIja9 8e9isteT
thermometer KsoOra.

MrC. Scnuspf, the Opera House drug
gist. made tae following observations OF
the temperature yesterday; a. m, 81;
ga. ~, 40; u NJ, 50; P. m, 43; P. 20,
80, Weather, cloudy.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
InasE 70 Now Aarsrusslasnss
SECOND PAGE

SECOND PAGE.
For Ront-Store Room on Main Street.
FOURTH PAGE.
Mrs Potts Sad IiOns-Sesbitt & Bro
Wanted-Two Milhners.
Cheese-C Y. Harding X Co.
Curtain End Sale-J. S. Rhodes 4 Co.
FIFTH PAGE.
Grand Opera House-Billy Plimmer'S Spe-
,ialty Company.
SIXTH PAGE.
Spring Wraps-Geo. Z. Stifel & Co.
Grand Opening-StOne Il Thomas.
Mems Shoes 9Sc-O'kane d Co.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

Round trip so, tickets good ten days.
Trains leave Wheeling at l:40 and 7:30
A. M. 200 and 5:35 p. N. Through
sleep from Wheeling on the 5:55 p. N.
train.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

KURNER g. CHEW, the Twelfth street
Wall paper house, do all kinds Of house
painting.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

KURNER & CHEW have the most mod
ern WAYS of Decorating in Wall Paper.
ASK for suggestions.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

GLASSES ground FOR all kinds Of spec
tacles or eyes. Eyes examined free.
Prof. Shelf, the Optician, ITO Main ST..
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

Fourth and Last Mid-winter Excursion to
Warrington, ID. C., and balti'n ore VIA
II. Al ID. Thursday, April 5, 1894.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
BRIDGEPORT

Bridgeport water rents are due April
lat A discount of 10 per cent. will be
allowed il paid before the 10th.
w. r. BOWMAN, Secretary.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
Only seventy-five DolIarS

s1ev writing done in frst-class style
by Karner & Chew.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

A second hand Emerson Upright Piano
in the market We have 6ne one for
sale cheap. c. A. House.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

FoR new shades" Of Wall Paper ask
to see Kurner g. CheW's line.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

For the Correct Thing" in Wall
Paper Knrner & Chew can keep you
posted.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

OUR special sale Of cheap Wall Paper
will be continued this week.
KURNEB & CHEW.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

in small monthly payments for a good
secondhand ChIckering Piano at
Houses.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

Kphnlein Bros are selling clean coal
At s cents per bushel and nut coal at 5
cents.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
NEW ADVERTISEMENTS

For Sign Work go to Kurner & Chew.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

SHADE Trees, Shrubs, Vines anC
Creepers. Reds Nurseries. Tel. 1898
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
THB RAILROADS.
THE LATEST NEWS OF NEARBY GORPO-
RATIONS.
Construction and Transportation MaHsrs-Changss
Of OfRcsrs-LOCal News and
Gossip.

The monthly financial report of the
B. & o. for February shows for the
MONTH
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

Net S sos, 126 rs "a, l2O Il 5lOO6 OS In
Earnings and expenses for the eight
mouths of the fiscal year 1s95-94, COM
pared with the same months OF the fiscal
year 1s02-1s93, February, 1894, ap-
provinoa4adl.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26

1923. 1894
s., S46.665 Is Sl,4i7,72S 6S S49S9S7 OF De
Fxpen.. 1888 53S 90 I,l6S607 81 374,9Sl OIL De
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1894-03-26
Natl408la1 % 5 5lO5Ol4 s. 5 l72sl7 S ]

Earn ST. 4sI SS7 a5 s15. S4s Sc U,7O2 $50 90 D
Exp'n l2SsS.654 66 1858, 30i o. Q, 1885 81 D
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
How He Cured Him.

A travelling vendor of patient
medicines once put up for the night
at wayside inn, where some work
men were indulging in friendly
glass" before parting company for
the night.
On learning his profession, the
workmen agreed among themselves
to have a little fun at the expense
of the quack. So one Of them, who
thought himself the wit of the COM
pany, got in conversation with him,
and evidently asked him what he
professed to be able to cure.
Experience, sir, has taught me to
cure any disease" answered the
quack, looking his questioner full
in the face.
"Then should be much obliged
to you if you will cure me Of my
complaint" went on the wit.
"Oh, yes, | will cure you. What
is it you are suffering with?"
"Well, first of all | am an awful
liar, secondly | have lost my ap-
petite, and thirdly | have lost my
memory"
"Oh well, can make you all
right if you will promise faithfully
to take twelve of my famous prem
ier pills, which are quite harmless"
81 promise"
Twelve large pills were according
ly handed to the wit, who took
them rather reluctantly.
swell, how do you like them P"
said the quack, as the last one dis
appeared.
why there is nothing in them
but tallow," replied the wit.
81 am pleased to learn that they
are so effecting."
"What do you mean, sir?"
You say my pills are nothing
but tallow. That is quite correct;
| made them from a candle, so you
are no longer prevaricator; then
again, your appetite must have
been suddenly improved to enable
you to enjoy such a dainty meal;
and, as to your memory, / warrant
you'll never forget taking those
pills to the longest day you i've"
The workmen had their laugh,
but not at the quack's expense.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
Where Rats are Utilized.

Almost everywhere in the world,
except in Paris, rats are considered
troublesome nuisance, to be got
rid of by any means possible. The
Parisians, on the contrary, convert
this nuisance into useful member
Of society, and source OF revenue.
In Paris rats are collected from
every possible source and placed in
a great pond, where the carcasses
of all animals dying in the city are
thrown.
These remains are speedily dis
posed of by the rats, which leave
behind nothing but the cleanly-
picked bones. There are no such
scavengers as rats.
About four times a year these
rats are killed, and their skins are
utilized in the everywhere admired
form of Partisan gloves to decorate
the hands of loveliness the world
over.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
A Pleasing Moment,

Squire B is the "first citizen"
of the New England town in which
he lives, and is respected by all
classes for his sterling qualities
and abstemious habits.
He has much of the courtliness
of the old school, coupled with
great personal dignity, yet temper
ed with so keen a sense of humor
that he can appreciate joke, even
though it be at his own expense.
He relates the following episode
with relish.
Not long since his business call
ed HIM to New York, which is as
much his home as is his native
place. He hailed Fifth Avenue
stage, and entering it, found it
nearly filled.
Sprawling across the aisle sat a
man in that stage of intoxication
which renders one careless of ap-
pearances. Squire B attempted
to step over his legs, but just then
the stage gave lurch, and he
stumbled over them.
To the great amusement of every
one in the stage, the man sat erect,
and with maudlin severity, said,
"Man'n your c'ndish'n oughter
take err cab. ."-Harper's Magazine.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
A Leap and q Rescue.

Extra Wallace, west bound, reach
ed Emerson at 10 p. m. June 16,
1878. In switching out a car the
forward brakeman was so badly in
jured that we left him for surgical
treatment. | was breaking behind.
From Emerson to Chauncey, IL
miles, is up grade, and as Conduct
or Wallace had gone over to the
engine | was left alone on the rear.
The moon shone brightly, and l
noticed number of tramps riding
out on top. We had almost reach
ed the summit and the night ex-
press was only Is minutes behind
us when suddenly the speed slack
ened. The caboose, two cars of
telegraph poles and three of cinders
had broken off. was standing on
the load of poles and started for a
brake when one Of the poles became
loosened from its position and rolled
on my foot. | struggled desperate
ly to free myself, for the cars had
started backward.
| thought Of the express with her
cargo ofprecious lives and struggled
again. ! seemed to hear the crash,
the shrieks and grosns of the dying,
the curses and prayers. Minutes
were years, and | grew old in the
awful suspense. Then / heard
whistle and saw our front end
following down the hill. On the
leading car the conductor wasswing-
ing back up signal, while the
whistle blew a wild warning for
No. Z. Faster and faster spun the
wheels, and slowly, but surely, was
the runaway overtaken.
] held my breath.
Only 20 feet.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
A Model Wife.

world resides in the city of Austin.
She has been married a number of
years to man named Peterby, who
is one of the most disagreeable,
quarrelsome men outside the Texas
Legislature. And yet Mr.. and Mrs.
Peterby have never had a quarrel,
for the reason that it is impossible
to make her angry. He has scowl-
ed at her and occasionally waited a
chair at her, just to see if she
wouldn't get angry, but he suffer-
ed disappointment in each and
every instance. Peterby had been
Dragging to his friends about what
a good natured wife he has, and
Gilhooly offered to bet him $50
that if Peterby was to go home,
raise fuss and pull the tablecloth
full of dishes off the table she
would show signs Of temper. He
had tried that with his wife once,
but he never repeated the expert
ment.
Peterby said he didn't want to
rob a friend of his money, but he
knew he could win. At last he
made the bet. The friend was to
watch the proceedings through a
window. Peterby came home ap.
parently fighting drunk. She saw
him coming, went out to the gate,
opened it, kissed him and assisted
his tottering steps into the house.
He sat down hard in the middle of
the floor and howled out:
"Confound your ugly picture,
what did you pull that chair from
under me for?"
II hope you did not hurt your
self?" she replied, smiling kindly.
III was to blame for it. | am so
awkward. But I'll try and not do
it again if you will forgive me this
time" And she helped him to his
feet, although she had nothing to
do with his falling. He then sat
on the sofa, and slipping off on the
floor abused her like pickpocket
for lifting up the other end of the
sofa. She said she was sorry and
finally led him to the supper table.
lie threw plate at her, but she
lodged it and asked him if he would
take tea or coffee. Then the brute
seized the tablecloth, sat down on
the floor and pulled the dishes and
everything over him in one grand
crash. Some women might have
lost their temper, but not so with
Mrs. Peterby. She did not blubber
like child; she did not even sulk
or pout. With pleasant smile, she
said:
"Well, George, this is a new idea.
We have been married 10 years and
never eaten our supper on the floor.
Won't it be fun! Just like those
picnics we used to 60 to before we
were married." and then the angelic
woman deliberately sat down on the
floor alongside Of the wretch, ar
ranged the dishes and fixed him up
a nice supper. This broke him up.
He owned up he was only fooling
her and offered to give her $50 to
get herself new dress with. She |
took the money and bought him a
new suit of clothes and a box of |
cigars with it. Heaven will have
to be repaired and whitewashed be-
fore it is fit for that kind of wom-
an.--Tammanv Times
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

An exchange reports this dialogue
between an old colored woman and
Uncle Moses in one of the streets
Of Houston:
"Where am your darter, Matildy,
hired now?" asked the woman.
"She am workin' for de mos
spectacle folks in Houston. Dey
am well fixed, shore"
"H'm! Got silberware and sich,
has deyp"
II should say so. Dey has silber
tin pans, and de copper am pure
gold"
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

A form shot out over the chasm,
swung in clear relief for an instant
against the sky and then dropped
safely on board the car of cinders,
At the same moment the conductor
gave stop signal, and the gap
widened.
Well timed it was, for given a
second sooner and the leap would
have been impossible; later, and a
collision unavoidable.
In a short time every brake was
set, and as we slowed down | shrieked
frantically: Flag No. Z! Take a
red light and flag the express!'
He understood and obeyed with
out a word. Fortunately provident-
ally, they were late, and he got back
far enough to stop them. | was
unconscious when at last released.
My foot was badly crushed, and it
was many weeks before | was again
able to report for duty. As for our
hero, he proved to be one of the
tramps | had noticed and had vol
unteered for his dangerous task.
When the superintendent, who was
Oh No. Z, learned the circumstances,
he offered him position as brake
man, promising him advancement
as he proved his ability. That was
the beginning. To-day heis promi-
nent general manager, and his
name is recognized power in the
railroad world.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
DO YOU KNOW

the Alpena Steam Dy-
ing and Cleaning co.
has secured the SER
vices of a first class
man, who is prepared
to do all kinds Of fan
cy dyingl Also Silks,
Plush, Velvet, Yarn
and Feathers cleaned
equal to new. Cur
tains a speciality.
AIpena Steam Dying & Clean
ing Company,
IL; Chisholm Street s., 8 doors from
Second Street.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

81 fall" said the boarder, frantic
ally saving at the steak, "to find a
weak point in this Armour plate. "
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Don't you think it is rather cow
ardly," said the bald-headed pro-
fessor to the fly, 'for a six-footer
like you to jump on me in this
manner?"-W ashington Star.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Little boy-"How long have you
had that doll?" Little miss-"This
is girl doll, an you oughn't to
ask her age" GOOD News.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
HUMOROUS.

Tommy, is it new brother you
have?" Tommy (perplexed )-"Ye-
es-er; but one of him are a girl. y
Life.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Anxious inquirer (to crusty old
gentleman )--"W hen do you sup
pose this rain is going to stop?''
c. o. G.-"When it gets to the
ground, of course" South Boston
News.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Office boy-"Dere's two fellers
wants to see you. One of 'em has
got gas bill an de odder's got a
'riginal pome." Editor-"Bring
in the man with the gas bill. =
Chicago Tribune.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

He--"I wonder if there is an
other girl in the whole wide world
so sweet as my little sweetheartP"
She-"What's that? How dare
you think of another girl? |
shan't speak to you for week. y
Indianapolis Journal.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Counsel for defendant-"True,
your honor, my client did call the
plaintiff a donkey, but at the pres
ent high market rate Of those val
liable animals is this not rather a
compliment than otherwise ?"-
Fliegende Blaetter.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

IL saw several cyclone cellars
while | was out west," remarked
the visitor. Dear me-" exclaimed
young Mrs. Tocker, "Who on earth
would want to buy cyclone. i
Washington Star.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Willis-"When my wife makes
me present it is sure to be some
thing that will last" Wallace
my wife is just like her. Five
years ago she made me a present of
of 100 cigars, and | have ninety
nine of them yet." Life.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Bangle-"Nature has been very
kind to Miss Bluscher. See the
roses on her cheeks?" Miss BIS
rival-"Yes, indeed. One must
have natural gift to paint like
that" ."-Arkansaw Traveller.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

New arrival Ito subdued-looking
man in the hotel Office )-"Y on are
the clerk of this hotel, | suppose,
sir?" Subdued-looking man-"Oh,
you hatter me, sir! | am only the
proprietor!'-Browning, King &
Co.'S Monthly.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Madge -"This is the kind of a
day that poets rave about" Har-
ry-"Well, they're blamed unrea-
sonable then. 1t is perfectly de-
lightful; neither too cool nor too
warm" Chicago Inter Ocean.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Mr.. e. Conomie-"Did you write
to that man who advertises to show
people how to make desserts with
out milk, and have them richer?''
Mrs. f. Conomie-"Yes, and sent
him the dollar" "What did he
reply?" Use cream. New York
Weekly.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11
COLLECTIONS

Promptly attended to, and remittances
made to all parts of the country by drafts
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Nov confess, Mcbride, do you
hold your wife on your lap as much
now as when you were first mar
ried ?" asked Barlow.
"Well, Barlow" replied Mcbride,
''to tell the truth, believe she sits
on me rather more now than then"
-Ex.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

"Fact is" said the grocer, there
is no money in coffee nowadays" "
"That's a comfort" replied the Gus
toner, "but there's most everything
else in it. In the last pound ! got
there were eight beans, three peas,
six shingle nails and a handful Of
gravel stones. boston Transcript
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

"You needn't put on any airs
you will be an old maid all your
life," said a seven year old Chicago
girl to her younger sister.
"That's where you are fooling
yourself. I'll be divorced three
times before you are engaged" re-
piled sissy.-Ex.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

Invalid wife-"Well, John, you
got home from the ball sooner than
l expected. Now, to begin with,
Mrs. Jones-what did she have
on2"
Dramatic author (reminiscently)
.-"Oh, Mrs. Jones-yes-she had
on a low-moaniug-bodice with a
piercing-shriek skirt, cut like a
flash Of midnight Tightening, with
a hissed-hoarsely train, and a hush
ed-voice Of expectancy boquet in
her corsage,
Invalid wife-"John! let me
smell Of your breath. Judge.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-07-11

G6A'l]
Vol. XIII, No. 81. A
HUMOROUS.
Tommy, is it new brother you
have?" Tommy (perplexed) Eye
es-er; but one of him are a girl. y
Life.
81 fall" said the boarder, frantic
ally saving at the steak, "to find a
weak point in this Armour plate.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Little boy-"How long have you
had that doll?" Little miss-"This
is girl doll, an you oughn't to
ask her age."-Good News.
Don't you think it is rather cow
ardly," said the bald-headed pro-
fessor to the fly, ''for six-footer
like you to jump on me in this
manner?"- Washington Star.
Anxious inquirer (to crusty old
gentleman )--"W hen do you sup
pose this rain is going to stop?"
G. o. G.-"When it gets to the
ground, of course. South Boston
News.
Office boy-"Dere's two fellers
wants to see you. One of 'em has
got gas bill an de odder's got
'riginal pome." Editor" Bring
in the man with the gas bill."-
Chicago Tribune.
IL saw several cyclone cellars
while | was out west," remarked
the visitor. Dear me-" exclaimed
young Mrs. Tocker, "Who on earth
would want to buy cyclone."-
Washington Star.
Bangle-"Nature has been very
kind to Miss Bluscher. See the
roses on her cheeks?" Miss B's
rival-"Yes, indeed. One must
have a natural gift to paint like
that" t."-Arkansaw Traveller
Madge This is the kind of a
day that poets rave about" Har-
ry-"Well, they're blamed unrea-
sonable then. 1t is perfectly de-
lightful; neither too cool nor too
warm. Chicago Inter Ocean.
New arrival (to subdued-looking
man in the hotel Office )-"Y on are
the clerk of this hotel, | suppose,
sir?" Subdued-looking man-"Oh,
you flatter me, sir! | am only the
proprietor w-Browning, King &
Co.'s Monthly.
Counsel for defendant-"True,
your honor, my client did call the
plaintiff donkey, but at the pres
ent high market rate Of those val
liable animals is this not rather a
compliment than otherwise?"-
Fliegende Blaetter.
He--"I wonder if there is an
other girl in the whole wide world
so sweet as my little sweetheart?"
She-"What's that? How dare
you think of another girl?
shan't speak to you for week. '
indianapolis journal.
Willis-"When my wife makes
me present it is sure to be some-
thing that will last" Wallace
my wife is just like her. Five
years ago she made me present of
of 100 cigars, and have ninety
nine of them yet."-Life.
Mr.. E. Conomie-"Did you write
to that man who advertises to show
people how to make desserts with
out milk, and have them richer?"
Mrs. f. Conomie and sent
him the dollar" "What did he
reply?" Use cream" New York
Weekly.
"Fact is" said the grocer, there
is no money in coffee nowadays"
"That's comfort" replied the GUS
toner, "but there's most everything
else in it. In the last pound | got
there were eight beans, three peas,
six shingle nails and handful of
gravel stones. boston Transcript.
"Now confess, Mcbride, do you
hold your wife on your lap as much
now as when you were first mar
ried?" asked Barlow.
swell, Barlow" replied Mcbride,
"to tell the truth, [ believe she sits
on me rather more now than then"
-Ex.
"Y OH needn't mt on anv airs.