The Pascagoula democrat-star. (Pascagoula, Miss.) 1878-1920, 1894-09-07
"TAxE 1T OUT IN TRADE
Tyler (Tex.) Harpoon.

Tyler (Tex.) HarpOon.
was once the proud owner and
perpetrator Of a great cosmopolitan
weekly-the Lampasas Dispatch-and
like every other young and ambitious
editor plunged into the journalistic
maelstrom with more confidence than
brains, and less money than either.
My salutatory was bunch Of rich
and rare exotics, plucked from fields
of fancy and interspersed with bright
and witty little bon mots, worth
about sixty cents per mot.
| Many months have waxed and
waned since | penned that glowing
literary gem and sent it flying to my
q paying subscribers and ll73 dead
heads, but l must say that l am not
so proud of it as | once was.
My first resolution was to print a
paper that would please the great
throbbng public-not portion of
the people, but all of them. / SOON
found that l had government con-
tract on hand. The second issue
printed contained an editorial enti-
tied, "Did John the Baptist Baptizc
by Immersion ?" and every Methodist
subscriber dropped his paper. The
next week | wrote an able leader
headed, "Campmeetings the Safe
Guard of Our country" and the Bap-
lists stopped their papers, but the
Methodists all called around and re-
newed their subscriptions. had
3 considerable trouble with all the rel-
! gious denominations, but managed to
$ keep the full membership of some one
of the local churches on my books.
i My next trouble arose with the ad-
vertisers, and desiring to live at peace
with God and all mankind, l agreed
to trade out" every advertisement in
the paper.
Before the lrst twelve months were
out my advertising 'Orders" were used
like street car tickets at all the stores,
and were quoted according to their
market value.
At last the patent medicine man
came along and l secured 1000 "Edito-
rial Puff cigars and twelve dozen
quarts of Zulu Rock and Rye"
These cigars were natural curiOsities.
/ held an autopsy over one and found
nearly every ingredient known to the
scientific world under its Early York
Wrapper. My foreman, Mr.. Sam Doty,
drank bottle of the Rock and Rye
on the ninth day of August, and was
too drunk to assist in getting out q
Christmas edition.
next secured, through N. w. Aver
!. & Son, a big ad for the "Cayote Sheep
Dip" warranted to cure all the ills
,r that sheep are heir to, from "scab" to
+. ''hollow horn" In payment l received
!. fifty gallons of said Dip, which Itried
II to work off on the Western Newspa-
Ia per Union, at Dallas, and the printers,
but it wouldn't work. gave a sheep
man five gallons to try it and ina few
u days received the following note:
ID Mr.. X. LAMITY: Sir-l like prac-
n tical jokers, but you please me too
% well. l considered you my friend,
Ut and when you gave me five gallons of
lie "Cayote Sheep Dip thought you a
IL gentleman. l have now torn the
N mask from your Mardi Gras face, and
a know your true character. Relying
~ on your word, l prepared vat of
your so-called "Cayote Sheep Dip" in
which to dip some fine Merino sheep.
al The first sheep that was thrown in
ii sank to rise no more, while the second
d. one made it out on the other side,
IL leaving his whole fleece floating on the
4 treacherous conc0ction, and fled across
'u the field as naked as a newborn babe
W / will see you later. SNAP BEAN.
~ Thus it will be seen that trouble
flowed in thick and fast, and in 8
es moment of desperation l fled east
is ward, hoping and trusting, like
w. Noah's dove, to find soft spot or
ed which to rest my weary hoof. But
fir alas how vain are all human expec
ur tat lions. started out soliciting ad
II. vertisements, and the first man
tackled said:
swell, don't mind, fyou will TAX
it out in trade"
Us He was a tombstone dealer, and
ler turned and fled from the spot.
ST. A young girl asked me the othe
lrt day:
"Why is it any worse for girl t,
touch her hair with little blond
Gu mixture than it is for Il young man t
yh- shave?"
TO which ! replied:
aid mature, my dear"
100, And her answer was:
be "Fiddlesticks Nature intende
that mans beard should grow, or
wouldn't have been there. He dOesn
ly's like the looks of it, so he shaves 1t Of
lis WE'LL l don't like the looks Of n
to hair, so l color it a little. Where
uld the difference? We both are goir
against nature aren't we? Yet "
=. hear no outcry about him, do you y
said l was afraid it would rain
ma. the wind didn't change.
'r New York Recorder.