The Providence news. (Providence [R.I.]) 1891-1906, 1894-11-09
THE CRACKER AGENT.

10 I'usn
Mr.. Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City,
registered at the Cadillac, and before
he had satisfactorily accomplished
the matutinal 40 winks so dear to tho
fatigued traveller a persistent knock
ing was hcard at the door, and upon
its being opened nervous looking
man with red hair and a tin box un-
der his arm slid into the room and
presented the disgusted guest with
a business card in four colors.
"The patent Kidmore cracker"
said the guest as he hoped into bed
again and pulled up the clothes.
you've mado some mistake, my
good man. / don't want any crack
ers."
"You think you don't but You
do" said the intruder with an In
gratiating smile. Your name 10
Smith, from Utah, isn't its"
"Well, suppose it is?"
Exactly. I'll explain. Now, sir,
give me your attention for a mo-
ment. What is the greatest curse
known TO married menp What Is tho
most disagreeable thing in domestic
life?"
"Well, lemme sec. Bills" said tho
guest after a few moments reflec-
ton.
"Not at all, sir; it's crumbs"
"Crumbs?"
"Yes, sir, crumbs. Cracker
crumbs. Did you ever know mar
ried woman who did not insist ON sit
ting up in bed with the baby from 4
TO 40 times per night and feeding it
ON crackersf"
"How the dew
Don't swear" interrupted the
cracker agent. "It is no longer nec-
essary, as you will see presently. As
! was going on TO say, every married
woman feeds her baby on crackers in
bed, and the result is that the sheets
are always full of crumbs. The
wives don't seem TO mind them
somehow, but the husbands do. Why,
a hair shirt wouldn't begin to pro-
duce the same amount of torture
caused an average man by single
crumb, and when there is more
why, cobblestones would seem q bed
of roses by comparison"
"Well, sir, what
"What can offer to mitigate the
evil-to do away with this great
wellspring of domestic misery, eh?
Why, I'll show you. Behold the
greatest invention Of the nineteenth
century,"
stop TINT! What the blazes are
you up tor" roared the guest as his
interviewer turned down the bed
clothes and began sprinkling o kind
Of sawdust among the sheets.
keep still, my dear sir, said the
cracker man blandly. I'm just
showing you our lslmmoth boon to
humanity. This box is filled with
the dust from the new Kidmore
cracker. Will you have the goodness
to roll over once or twice and notice
that the Kidmore crumb don't
scratch bit? No restlessness, no
discomfort. In fact, the dough is 30
mixed with india rubber in the pro-
portion
What do you suppose / care for
your crackers? / don't eat in bed |"
and the infuriated traveller began
swearing TO find that his pistol was
locked up in his trunk.
mo, but your wives do" put in
the agent.
"My what?"
why, your wives. If a man with
only one wife needs these invaluable
articles for family consumption, how
much more are they indispensable to
a man with 90 wivesY"
Twenty what?" gasped the guest,
who was now convinced that he had
a bad case of wheels to deal with and
was wondering whether he could
turn on the fire alarm without at
tracing the crank's attention.
why, 30 wives. You're the Nor
mon Apostle Smith, amt your"
"No, I'm not, replied the other,
much disgusted, land I'm not mar
ried either.
why, you're from Utah, and your
name its spelled the same-S-m-i-t-h.
Singular, very singular, mused the
cracker vender. Sure you amt the
MANI"
Eyes, I'm sure, and if you don't Z
skate out of here blamed if / don t
slam you out of that window"
Good gracious, and we're on the
sixth story too! Guess I'd rather
take the elevator. However, to show
you there's no hard feelings, I'll
leave you few of our business cards
Sure you're not that Smith, eh2
Sin,-,,1ar oot,o;Ja-na. =,