The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1894-08-28
E'Ruther be Rite Than be Preserdent"-
The Story~sfa Wool Hat--A Ger
tifcate That Certifys.

HRuther be Rite Than be Preserdent
The Story~ef a Wool Hat--A Ger
tifcate That Certifys.
R.-"Hello! Mr.. Editor"
R.-"An right Major. CO ahead with
with your rat killing"
B.-"Say, don't you talk disrespect
fully ov my offshal prognostickashuns
I'd ruther be rite than be P~reserdent,
but I kant be neither in this day ov
corrupshun an awl sorts ov racket, a
Teller hes a hard time doin' rite"
R.-"The temptations are strong n
many, but it is not necessary for an
honest, sensible man to be a fool and a
rascal just because some dishonest fool
is engaged in the business"
B.-"As I wuz sayin' these be troub-
lous times. The Great Master above
has blessed us with bountiful crops ov
korn, cotton, hay and terbacker, but
the devil got loose an hes run Kon-
gress so bountiful craps don't amount
to much. l expect it will take awl ov
my surplus ter pay my taxes this fall
an I wont hev a thing left ter schulz
the chaps with. l wuz tellin' Betsy
the other day that if times didn't git
better we'd hev ter part an jine Coxey's
army. 1 loud they'd put me in charge
of the commisary wagons an tole Betsy
they'd make a General, of her, Gen.
Bilkins. She How'd we'd better jine
the gang of unemployed Office seekers
here in North Carolina. That sorter
ruf1ed me-"
RI am surprised at you. Why
are you so blue7 Congress has de,
stroyed half of the money Of the
country and reduced the tariff on
castor oil. You ought to be happy"
B.-"Say, you r tryin ter ridicule
the tariff bill an I don't care much.
I'm badly disapinted, Ihed been wearin
my ole wool hat fer erbout five years
waitin fer we dymakrats ter git in an
reduce the price v wool hats. Senator
Vance use ter say that wool hats whut
we he'd ter pay 800 fer would only be
81 90 when the dymakrats got in an
trace chains ditto. Well, l went ter
Raleigh the other day an went inter a
store whar I've been tradin'. l priced
sum wool hats an found them the
same. 'Hellor saidI, 'aint you marked
'em down yitG' The merchant looked
surprised. I tole him l thought they
wouldn't be but half price now He
lowed he didn't see how that could be,
fer the tariff on wool hats averages 80
per cent, now an'they wouldn't be any
cheaper while that Is so. He sed the
rate mite hev bin higher under the
McKinly bill, but it wuz prohibitive
an 80 per cent. is just as much against
foreign matters as 200 per cent. In
other words, you kin jump a fence 200
feet hi jist az eazy az you kin one 80
feet hi-you kant jump either one
ov EN-"
R.-"You seem to be discouraged"
B.-"I am I'm goin' ter rite Preser-
dent Cleveland a letter like sum ov the
folks Whut take patent medicine rites.
How will this do7 Mr.. Clevelan': Fer
the past twenty years I've bin troubled
with cramps in my pocket-book, which
hev bin gittin' worse every year. /
also he'd that indescribable tired feelin',
couldn't sleep at mite, wuz nervous, an
my cystic kept gittin' wurse an wurse.
wuz takin' Hayes tonic fer cramps
in the pocket book, but got wurse,
Then I tried Garfield's pills. They
didn't seem ter help me emmy. Then
began ter use C1eveland's Aromatick
Liniment. I used it four years and
found no relief. Then 1 tried Harrison's
Compound Elixir ov Life, usin' it erbout
four years. The cramps gradually
grew wurse. Lots ov my friends tole
me ter try CleVoland's Liniment again.
1 did so, an hev bin usin' it nearly two
years. When I first began usin' it that
tired feelin' got better, or I imagined il
did, but directly 1 he'd the cramps sc
bad 1 thought I would die. This wuz
along in September last year. I got sc
weak I couldn't stand up. The doctors
sed they couldn't do e%nnything fer my
pocket book cramps. Finally a nabol
tole me ter take the Compound Demo
cratic mixture called ga Majority il
Both Houses Ov Kongress." They sed tel
ter use that internally an rub the Cleve
land Liniment on the outside. I hey
followed the direckshuns faithfully
fer twelve months an hev bin CROWN
wurse awl the time. In the past tw,
weeks my pocket book hes disappeare,
entirely, cramps an awl. reckon TT
hev ter do like them Northern Teller
when they let consumpshun eat =,