Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-09-30
WHIMS OF THE IDLER
Straw Hats Are Called In and the Boys
Are at School.
BRANCH AND HIS FRANKS.
He Takes Nuts Hidden By tho Bunnies
and Poses Before His Friends rs
Great Typcw ritter.


Great Typewriter.
THE melancholy days have come" and
ere many hours the gubernatorial procla-
nation will call in straw-hats. and force
us to resort TO the gents furnishing
houses. where we will reluctantly make
the purchases required by the edict OF the
Executive. But II autumn brings sadness
10 our hearts. what a burden OF human
misery 1t must betoken for our little
ones, who are once more forced to resume
the agonles of school-life. In my heart
OF hearts ian expression which indicates
that l have as many cardiac apparatuses
as centipede has legs) pity the young
sters, but not for worlds would i admit
this fact before the freside gathering
who draw on me for shoes and stockings
and who have never yet suspected that
am Santa Klaus. gloat over my power
and authority when l stick my hands In
my pockets and my pipe in my mouth.
and declare. in solemn tones: MY school
days were the happiest time OF my life.'
Poor little defenceless victims, they have
no way of disproving this statement. and
even II they had, they would not dare TO
assert themselves. | make them think
that 1 was an absolute wonder at school.
that there wasn't Chrome offered In
any class of my whole curriculum that !
didn't gobble up with the same facility
that a hen swallows a grain or corn.
When the Oldest brat asks me TO read
him some OF the rocky" portions OF
Caesar l frown fercely. and In stern
parental tones say: SHANE on you,
sir. that you should place your dependence
on me- and thus seek to avoid that labor
which is the only true road to wealth
and success" / prudently omit to men,
tion that I have forgotten all the Latin
ever knew, except that "Sic Semper
Tyrannis" means Take your foot Off my
neck" and that l never could under
stand how the inscription, "E Pluribus
Unum" on silver dollar meant zone
OF Many" Certainly 1t never did mean
that in my case.
II has always afforded me the most
profound pleasure to note the careers OF
my old collegemates after they laid aside
their studies and went forth to meet
the battle OF life, and my observations on
this subject are worthy Of attention from
these who desire to achieve success. In
the days of my youth. when the pro-
fessors were delivering their lectures. 1t
was a conscientious obligation, assumed
| by every sef-respecting lad, to use his
pociet-knfe on his bench while the
words of wisdom were being poured into
| his ears The man who by .he end or
| the session had succeeded in mutilating
! the most furniture in the room was
| invariably the fellow who played In the
| greatest luck in after years" His sue
! cess was in proportion to the extent OF
| the damage he caused with his blade.
and the larger the indentations he left
BON his de ., the bigger was the Tor
! tune he made in after years. do not
! say this because / am one OF those un-
| fortunates who never could get along in
his classes for. on the contrary, | was
| always the Joy and pride of my in
! sttuctors The buffers who won all the
| laurels at school have not given me
| much opportunity 10 study their suDse-
! ouent careers. for they have. with few
! exceptions, sunk into obscurity. Our prize
mathematicians are now exercising ;heir
| skin for figures over dry-goods counters.
whie the crack English scholar OF my
] college is at present engaged in writing
| a book on "How to Get Rich. he
| Is an inmate OF an almshouse The fool
| Of our classes will be candidate for
| President Of the United States IN 1895,
| and | understand he is a dead-sure win
ner.
Sometimes my dearest and best friends
| nrove decei.ful and tricky. Now. there's
| that dear boy, Samuel Branch Mckinney
| the assistant private secretary 10 Gov
| ernor O'Ferrall, who has ever hoWn 10
| my check shirt when sorrow
| darkened his life. and who has always
| consulted me on business matters-yea.
| even when he contemplated the purchase
| Of n postage stamp. lie, too. has gone
| wrong. | knew that Brancn had some
| bad traits Of character. but | condoned
| his evils. for / thought he was young
| and liable to improve. like old whskey.
| For years It fas been his custom = eat
| the walnuts that were cracked for the
| SQUIRRELS in the Capitol Square, and
| what IS meaner still. he stands az the
office-window and watches people feeding
| the Dummies" AS soon as ne sees me
| squirrels hide the nuts. as Is their GUS
| tom in their preparation for winter ne
! goes to the place of cOncealment, gets
| the nut and eats It himself. Now that
| what / call mean: but ! forgive Brahch
| for It. And, what's more, l have over
| looked other offences. I have for-
| given him when he ate the last banana
| ,
| lunch, you know-and ! have pardohed
when he smoked my pipe. when IKE
| myself has a strong character nave
| forgotten his sins when he has introduced
me to book-agents, and | have eXcuSe'i
! him when he has taken four hours 10
/ mail n letter Yes, i have pardoned MN
| for all his misdeeds towards me. ana
have nothing TO say about these-but the
rascal has been playing tricks on other
folks He deludes humanity. and tnen ne
| comes TO me and chuckles. while ne re-
lates his experiences and eats the atore-
said last banana.
Branch loves a joke-in fact, he even
loves my jokes. which, as you can reauliy
| understand. causes me TO overlook MANY
Of his faults Recently he went 10 MS
| native heath-Farmville-and as soon az
he struck the town he concluded that II
| was his duty 10 delude the cTedulouS
natives of the Prince Edward metropoiis'
There was a typewriter in town-ln iac'
the only one there. l believe-and peopie
had been coming miles to see It, Tor thc
| machine was regarded as wonder IL
was the talk Of the place and the sehs"-