The record-union., 1894-05-15
WAYS OF WOMEN.
BesseIena Writes Up the FoibIes Of
Her Sex.
Row They Wear Out Their Lives in
Ariuous Work of
Shopping.

Much has been said and written by the
biped man on woman, and woman being
of a philosophical turn of mind, or at least
deluding herself into the belief that she
Is. accepts the comments of the male
members of society, whether they be
true or false, with becoming meekness.
But of all her little faults and toibles, and
| admit she is not perfect by ary means,
she has none more aggravating than that
of shopping; it's almost as bad as spring
house-cleaning to the average man, for
he knows that for a week beforehand the
all-important subject will be served to
him in the morning with his mush and
coffee, at luncheon and at dinner, until
the poor man takes to boarding out, and
then his wife shakes her head and Won
ders vaguely and vainly why her hus-
band is SO dreadfully neglectful.
After mature consideration of the
weighty subject a day is at last set aside
for the all-important business OF shop
ping. Early III the morning of the event
ful day the mau's superior fraction is up
and about before anyone else. The
break fast isn't brilliant success, for the
coffee is cold and the eggs are like leaden
bullets and are suggestive OF the demon
dyspepsia, but ii the man is wise and
experienced he accepts the situation
gracefully and preserves a discreet
silence, for he knows of old that
at this critical period his wife is a
slumbering volcano, and that one word
in the wrong direction will set her oil.
This is trying period IN the life OF a
newl ly-married man, for if he hasn't t
some old and experienced friend TO guide
and direct him he is very apt to get him.
self into trouble for asking too many and
useless questions. AS l said before, when
q man who has been there before sees his
wife's alabaster brow puekered into an
ominous scowl, which is intended as an
outward and visible sign that deep and
weighLy thought is being evolved within
the gray matter OF the brain, then does
the male member of the household ''gob-
ble'' the viands set before him, and makes
a speedy retreat for the front door and
the freedom and seclusion of the Office
Left alone the woman leaves the break
fast table just as it is, and proceeds to
dress. This is a long business, and no
matter how early she may have arisen
she seldom is able to leave the house un-
til the last part of the morning is passed
and the heat of the day has set in for
good and earnest. This fact does not
tend to increase amiableness, and when
she enters the store, heated and flushed, /
always breathe a mental prayer
for the poor clerk, whoever he
may be, for / know that his life
will be badgered out of him. / don't
know how il is, but the woman who
shops invariably takes perfectly fiendish
delight in having the clerk pull around
and haul down everything on the shelves
until he is bathed in perspiration, while
f she sits there and finds fault with every
earthly thing; and after she has seen
everything from a fve-cent calico to a
dress of $40 a yard, and she raises the
poor clerks hopes from the depths OF
despair to the highest pinnacle of hope as
she looks upon 1t with favor In her eye,
: and he thinks that perhaps after all his
labor has not been in vain, when just as
he assumes his most fascinating smile
and clicks his scissors suggestiveiy, pre-
paratory to cutting off dress pattern,
the shopper heaves regretful sigh as she
lays it aside and informs the crest-fallen
clerk that she will take yard of the five
cent calico-and sometimes she doesn't
even indulge in the five-cent calico. but
buys two-cent spool Of thread. Then
she goes out and INDUCES in an ice-cream
soda, and meets half a dozen cronleS bent
on the same mission as herself, and they
discuss their purchases over the
exhilarating beverage. Then they all
leave together, and for the rest o1
the day perambulate the streets, to
the detriment of the business man,
who is fain to take to the middle
OF the street, or the opposite walk. for tc
get past the crowd of chattering women
who string out six abreast across the en-
tire walk is moral impossibility. They
are in serious ignorance that many a half
smothered imprecatlOn Is waited after
them on the circumambient air. as they
amble on, visiting every store within d
} radius of half mile, looking at every
thing and buying nothing, then they
fortify on another ice cream soda, very
/ likely wind up the day by having theil
, pictures taken, and then take the car fol
home, and they torture the car conductor
J quite as much as they did the shop
Keeper, for after hailing the car they
! stand on the corner and bid each other
farewell.
1t is positively surprising how many
last words woman can find to say
there she stands utterly oblivious to The
fact that the car is waiting, that The
driver is impatiently Changing the bell
and that the passengers are fretting and
, fuming, impatient at the delay. Then
! when the driver utterly loses all patience
and starts off without her, an expression
, of blank dismay overspreads her counte
nance and she threatens to report the
horrid man to the company, but sht
never does, and forgets all about it by
the time the next car comes along
This time she manages to get the cal
after only keeping it waiting the shor
space OF fifteen minutes; OF course. she
! can't find nickel, makes frantic dives
In her purse and her pocket, which is pui
;; in such an impossible place that it never
can be found when wanted, and she al.
ways has to stand up 10 get it. After 6
deal of fussing and rumaging she man.
ages to fish up quarter, which she
passed to the patient conductor, and ther
; vows up and down that he hasn't given
her the right change, and doesn't dis.
cover her mistake until she gets home
but she wouldn't have admitted to the
conductor she was wrong; no, not fol
worlds. She glories in having him fee
uncomfortable. When the woman who
shops enters her own door after her day
OF shopping she dons her oldest ane
loosest gown, and at dinner, which she
kept waiting for half an hour, she tells
her husband that she is just tired tc
DEATH that she never worked so hard
before in all her life, and the man won
ders to himself on the inscrutable and
mysterious ways of woman who spends
the entire day in buying yard of five
cent calico and finds it such hard work,
and as he eats his cold dinner he regret
fully acknowledges to himself that he
never will understand the ways oi
woman,
BEsELENA Bessie Mae Guinean).
May Ii, 1884