The Indiana State sentinel. [volume] (Indianapolis) 1868-1895, 1894-03-07
SOME FUNNY TALKS.
.TuscumbIa' Finds Old Josh
Killings RoOk and Makes Extracts.


the laudable avocation of inditing an
article that peradventure may tend inn
mensely to arouse obstreperous ebul-
litions of mirth, hilarity, consolation and
comforting entertainment. particularly
to the shut inns" and seriously ailing
portion of the noted II. L. c.. and cheer
them on in their pilgrimage Ger life's
rugged and thorny pathway.
I ailude to divers gems of wisdom, rich
and rare from the great American
humorist. Josh Billings. which are eN-
| ceedngly mirth-provokins. and with
your unanimous consent will now intro
| duce with the injunction that YOU don't
/ entirely collapse with boisterous laughter.
Coquetres are better than prUdes; one of
! the most miserable of men is a third
class fiddler: there is no cure for lazi-
| ness. but a second wife has been known
| to quicken il; nature is fond Of joke,
| the crabs favorite joke is to bite: they
I have two sets of legs on the stairboard
! side Of their persons. they are boiled
! in pot; two bushels OF them. until they
have stopped boiling then they are eaten
! by throwing the body away; krabs bite
/ with their feet. and hold on like a. coun-
| try cousin; they have a relative called
the muSquito. thew tell us that there
| wasn't anything made in vain. but ]
have thought that the time consumed in
making the musquito was wasted, they
were born Of poor, but industrious parents.
and they have in their veins some of the
! best blood I'm the country; it is easy to
| kill a mosquito if YOU can, they are very
| coura Eeous animals; I've known one
muSquitO to fight man and his wife
| all night and draw the first blood, they
are very cheerful little crea lures, sing
m hoy toll mn SON
! men, they are corrupt at heart. I've
/ known a mule TO be good for six months
! just to get a chance 10 kick; Newfound-
/ land dogs are useful TO save children
| from drowning. but unless you've got
J a pond of water and a child to run
/ around it and fall in. the Newfoundland
/ dog is an Improbable boarder; human
| happiness is like the wandering flea.
/ when you put your finger on him he
| doesn't seem to be there: when you pur-
/ sue him he amt there also; human hap
| pineSs is like the Hottentot language,
| everybody can speak it, but few can I'M
! derStand it: two-thirds OF the pleasure
| in riding down hill consists in drawing
i the sled back. but 1 don't know of any
! body who would like to ride down a hill
| eighty-five miles long; "A man who be-
! gins life as the first lieutenant in a
/ family need not expect promotion. the
/ man who will wear a paper collar a
| whole week amt fit for nothing else:
/ a
! roofing the live man is as full Of bust
] ness as a girl with two beauX; the live
/ man is not always A deep thinker he
! jumps at conclusion. he is an American
pet and has done as much with charcoal
/ TO mark out the destineS of this nation
! as any man living.
| Beauty is a gift that don't last long:
! handsome men are scarce: il is a good
| thing. for there is more vanity i'm a
handsome man than in a whole drove of
/ peacocks tails; after all. a great beauty
| is a left-handed compliment I would
rather have a nose seven inches long
! in the clear than TO be called the hand
| soonest man in town; I've known men
/ so piouS that when they went out fish
| ing on Sunday they always prayed for
/ good luck; the time to be Carefulest is
when you have an arnful Of wash tubs
| the passionate man is like a last years
| wasp nest; / don't want it understood
/ that L am exclusively in favor of the
| kind of men who won't get mad / never
/ believed that If a mule kicked me on one
side that 1 ought to turn the other side
| too.
| If a hornet sits on a fence and thinks
] it is p good thing let him think. but if
| he bites you then l say: "BlCt out the
/ hornet" it has often been said. An hon
/ est man is the nOblest work of God. ."
| this is true. but the demand is so lin
/ tied in these times that | believe large
/ part OF the first edition is still in the
| hands of the author; there is nothing in
the world like a poor but a virtuOus
! young man. who with Christian forti-
tude is struggling with mustache; thir-
/ ty years ago / was a resident of one of
| those sudden towns in the West, | was
| rich and owned a house and lot at the
] corner Of the house was a tree as awk-
| ward as a Shanghai rooster I wanted to
| trim it and got the advice of four friends
| all of whom had particular way of do
| ing it; after impressing my mind with
! the four different plans ] went to work
| to carry them out but when the shade
tree was trimmed it was nothing but u
| hard stick about thirteen feet high, too
| ugly for a hitching-post. This shows
| that advice is only good corrobora tin &
| L stimony. Advice is like doctors doses.
1t is good sometimes to receive them
! without taking them; one man can milk
| "a COW better than four men can; neat
ness is one of the virtues; in my opinion
| it is almost as good as chastity; I've
| seen individuals who wouldn't let the
| weary fly light on the walls OF their
| rooms long enough TO take breath, and
who would chase single cockroach up
| stairs and down: no persons work so
| hard as the victims of ecstatic neatness.
| They keep the house dirty all the year
| cleaning it up.
If my wife was one of this kind I
| would love her more than ever, but l
| would keep travelling around. and only
| stop one night in each place. and then l
| don't think she would undertake to scrub
| up the whole United States; patience. II
| constitutional is no more virtue than
| cold feet Napoleon was a great war
| rior. but did he ever keep a district
! school? Did he ever have the jumping
| toothache? Did he ever get up thirsty
| in the morning and go three miles for a
| drink to find that the man kept a tenn
| perance house? Did he ever sit down on
| a new litter of kittens in the old rocking
| chair with his new summer clothes on g?
| III he could do all these and yet praise
| God. I say bully for Bonaparte;" the
| only being that loves others better than
| himself is the dog; the best way TO bring
| up a boy in these degenerate times is
| to bring him up the back way.
| Raising boys is good deal like rails
| ing colts; If you don't raise but one out
| of ten IL will be fast one, and you are
| doing we'll: manifest destiny is like a
| disease; IN broke out once me i'm the
| shape of poetry; I sent it to the Atlantic
| Monthly and received a reply that / was
| a phool. but no poet. a young lady
| wants TO know how to receive a proposal
| OF marriage. 1t is not wise to jump for
| ward sudden or to fly back sudden: if
| vour lover wants 10 kiss you don't say
| YES or no. but kind o let the thing AXE
| it's own course. You say YOU can't I'M
| derstand the miracle OF how the whale
| swallowed Jonah: I don't suppose that
| Jonah or the whale fully understood II
either: can't tell you what Jonah did in
the whales society; | know what a.