Arizona republican., 1894-10-06
TOO MANY COLONIES.
North Dakota Is Being Overrun
 with Them.
Like the Festive Grasshopper, They Mul- tiply and Swarm Over the State-No Privates Are
 Among Them.

Colonels are getting to be nearly as great nuisance as the Russian cactus, says the Fargo Argus. They are null tiplying and increasing with danger oQs rapidity. You can scarcely throw stone at dog without running the risk of accidentally hitting a colonel. Colonels in multi, which may be broad cloth or corduroy, in stable frocks or
 barkeepers' aprons, taking orders for
 books or rubber stamps or selling pat ent medicines or plasters, are as con- mon as straight whisky in Kentucky or as new theories of government in populist mass-meeting. It was once proposed to raise regiment composed entirely of colonels. The troubles now adays would be not to get the regiment, but to select from enough applicants for an army corps. Fargo alone could prob ably furnish more colonels than there are in the active list of the army-and some of Fargo's colonels are men who really have served in the army, which distinguishes them from the colonels of most communities. The ''captain,' the. ''jedge" and the ''major" are not to be mentioned in the same day with the colonels. These oldrelics of south ern barrooms are vastly in the minor ity, and the day of the colonels is at hand
 Like the lilies of Egypt they throng; like the grasshoppers of Missouri they congregate. From every station in life, from every profession, of every age and condition, there are colonels to the right and left, colonels ad lib 1tum and ad nauseam. From whence fhls great aggregation of colonelistic talent? Where have been bred the eagles that have swooped down and roasted upon all these shoulders? Some of them were infants in arms when the late war closed, some of them were manipulators of hotel registers and concocters of the tittilating cocktail while the war ragged, and some have been tenders of equestrian steeds since they have been high enough to reach a stirrup. How come these to be dubbed ''colonel?"
 Faithful and persistent inquiry among the colonels themselves throws little light upon the subject. Some cannot claim anything better than that their wives people kept hotel where the soldiers boarded. They do not claim, even, that they themselves kept the hotels. There would seem to be shadow of reason why the ma jestic creature, in clean, starched shirt and Alaskan diamond pin, look ing compIacently to heaven as he balances toothpick with his lips and thrusts a penholder at a guest, should be called by high-sounding military title, but to dub a man colonel only be- cause his father-in-law's brother kept a clearinghouse seems to be strain ing a point. Another colonel, when asked as to his command, hemmed little, put on a frown, supposed to be fierce, pulled his shirt collar a little higher, and replied that he had for gotten the number of his regiment. Tt was so long ago, you know, and I have always had a bad head for fig ures." Another explained that hay ing formed partnership with a major, who was a junior in a concern, it be- came necessary, as matter of disci pline to the help, that he should rank his partner. The fact remains, how eyer, that the colonels are overrunning the earth and consuming the substance thereof. Privates are as scarce as the teeth of hens. Most unrnilitary people think that corporal is the higher off cer, and whoever hears of a sergeant? There is a general impression abroad that a colonel has something to do with horses-something between far rier and veterinary surgeon-and the real co1onels, the few who really bore Uncle Sam's commission as such, are without honor in the country where mock colonels constitute majority of the male population over the age of twenty.