davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
SOME HUMOROUS JIBRs,
LATE PRODUCTIONS or THE
FUN MAKERS,

y
AGaln--Real Cause Of His Grief
The Girl Was HIs--Too Much
Fastlng--vertly His
Name Was Dem
MIS-.
Her Schemes In Vain.
It was at the hotel table, and they
looked suspiciously like q bridal
couple, but their conversation seemed
to disprove the theory.
He had explained in rather loud
tones that he had sewed the loop of
his oyercoat with white thread, and
she Rad told him that if he'd any inge-
nuity he could have made it black by
drawing it through the ink bottle.
So that everyone could see they
were "old married people," for, OF
course, a bride would have reproach.
fully asked him why he hadn't let her
do it..
Then they began to order their din.
ner.
"Will you have aredhead duck or a
mallard?" he asked.
"I'm sure don't know" she re-
turned airly. ~ don't know" the
difference between a readhead duck
and a blue-eyed pheasant" ~.
This Aippancy disconnected him a
moment, but he seemed to remembe,
something and went OH:
"Well, how do some broiled quails
strike your"
"Broiled or stewed, it's immaterial
to me-" she answered nonchalantly.
Then he became cross and delivered
himself of an opinion.
"See here, Alice, you've got to de.
eide. l don't want to 60 and order
something for our first dinner
AND then he suddenly paused az
Alice moaned:
"Oh, hush! I knew you'd forget.
You've given it away after all my at.
tempt to seem so old-marriedl Oh,
Ralph!".
And the hearers thought again Of
the stupidity of man and how it ruth.
lessly destroys all that the tinesse ol
woman accomplishes. And they also
wondered again why the victims of q
wedding journey should regard them
selves as criminals.-Boston Globe.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22

Il b BABY - Quitting teeth.
y surs and uss that old and well-trisd remedy, m.
WnssIow's SooTHnNa Sx1ur Tor Children Tssthing.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
Broken Out Again.
Her Schemes In Vain.

"Curious thing about a stove" OBJ
served the exchange editor al he
came in shivering, took off his coat,
hung it on it's accustomed peg, sat
down, examined the points of his
shears to see if they could be depend.
ed upon id a sudden emergency and
glancing fur*iyely ~ his shoulder
at the financial editor, "curious
thing about a stove is that it al
ways is hottest when it's coaled."
"Chestnut!-coal," remarked the
financial slowly. "is a CRATE deal
more"
"Now don't get out IF your range"
interposed the exchange editor.
"If / should retorted the other.
"you couldn't furnace me with any
ideas on the subject"
"But you might get stove up"
"You think you're a pretty large egg,
don't your"
~ don't want any OF your slack,
anyhow" said the exchange editor,
breathing hard.
"If it don't SCOT you," snorted the
man of finance, "you can lump it'll"
"You needn't get 30 warm over it'll"
"Then don't stir me up!"-
81 haven't bin stirring you up"
"It's mighty hod if you haven't"
"Such q remark AZ that comingfrom
. man who is always getting scoop
ed" ~
"0r from q man who can't hold q
q camel To- .%~>
But here the railroad editor hastily
interposed. j.
"Gentlemen, :, he said, mot another
word, by chin ey."-Chicago Trib-
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
A Deed.

A Meritorious Deed.
"Mr. Ferguson" said the minister,
'you are on your death-bed."
eyes," assented tho sick man.
"You are about to face the great
hereafter. Are you not afraid to die?
You have wasted your life. What
deed of yours can your children look
back on when you are gone and con-
template with satisfaction"
"You forgot" said the sick man,
with az much Indignation al he could
muster, "that / once colored q meer-
schaum pipe without burning it,
Buffalo Express.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22

borrowed from friendS"-
"Have they got It yeti"
"And that wasn't ALL" groaned the
man in the macintosh, unhesdine
the interruption and wiping his eye
furtively with the corner CT his hand
kerchief; II lost $S7.65 of my own
money!"-Chicago Tribune.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
Short at the To>,

cOming-out dress? ~+
He-lt's very appropriate.
She-Whatd do you mean bv that2
He-Well. you seem to be coming o,,t
of it.-Judge. Ss~'
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
Timely Warming.

my young friend" said the kind
old man with the tracts, twill
you oblige me by reading this some
day when you have the leisure?"
The young man looked at the lit
tie pamphlet. It was entitled: "shun
the Place Of Everlasting BURNING"
"Why, uncle" he said, II should
think it would be a healthy. place.
They boil water, don't they2"
eyes, my dear young friend" rejoin-
ed the kind old man. "And they also
burn the garbage. You'd better keep
awayl"-Chicago Tribune.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
Society

women often Eel
the effect Of too
much gayety-
balls, theatres, and
teas in rapid
s~uccession find
them worn out,.m
un.down" BY
the end of the sea-
son. They suffer
from nervousness,
.sleeplessness and
Irregularities. The
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
Too Much Fasting.

@a@T "r7+< w.. s~~ We
II was Tuesday after the double
Now Years which followed on the
Christmas weak after q double Christ.
mas, when an urchin came up to the
reporter and said: -.
"say, is you got any pull at dc City
Hall?"
"Sure; why3" ...
could you fix me wild de doctor at
de dispensary?" =.
EASY; what is the matter with
your"
"If ! knowed dat I wouldn't want
no doctor"
"How did you got sick?"
well, it's like dis: Yer see
dsre's q lot o. stiffs what don't
know ,ye 'cepen at Christ.
mus, and all OF 9 sudden dey. Cite
charitable and blows. ye of to q feed.
Fer Chrismus my reglars fixed me out
fer four feeds, and den q lot o. old
hens gins me tickets fer Chrismus
trees. / stood it all right till purity
near New Years, but den de candy
and sermons and singin' laid me ont.
! wasn't to de beanery fer four days
and just eat dis ChrisEnns stuff. II ye
kin fix dis fer me Jest dis onc't. Pn
live on handouts and good grub for
ever"
Aspasm distorted His face and he
added:
"And dere's agangA mashers ct
Sixr an Olive I'll put ye Onto"
He Was given Q noteto the dispen-
sarY doctor who .physicked" him "a
his hearts content.
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22
FEMALE
WILLIAM HOOVER, Of Bel1vizIs

Mrs. WILLIAM
RicAland Co., Ohio,
writes: I" had been
aRreat sufferer from
female weakness ;
I tried three doc
tors ; they did me
no good thought
7 was an invalid for
ever. But I heard
of DR.. Pierce's Fa-
vorite Prescription,
and then I wrote to
him and he told me
just how to take 1t.
I took eight bottles.
I now feel entirely
we11 7 cou1d cfaud
The Bottineau pioneer. (Bottineau, N.D.) 1885-1895, 1894-12-22

well. ! could stand MKS. HOOVER.
on my feet only a short time, and now I do
all my work for my family Of Eve"
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09
CRIMES AND CASUALTIES.

ON the 1st the great silk stores of Favre & Lioux, in France, were de- stroyed by fire.
 ON the Sd Lee Sang. Chinese high binder. was hanged at San Quentin. Cal. for the murder of fellow-coun- tryman.
 EARLY on the morning of the 2d the Avondale street railway sheds and ma chine shop at Cincinnati were burned. entailing loss estimated at SITS, O00: insurance, sl5O, 900. There were seven ty-eight or eighty cars in the sheds.
 DAVE DUcHARM, a rustler. escaped from the jail at Minnesota, s. D., on the night of the lst, by knocking the jailor down with piece of stove. Two cowboys, heavily armed. mounted their bronchos and started on his tracks with lanterns and succeeded in capturing him after tracking him S5 miles,
 AUGUsTE VAILLANT, the anarchist who threw a bomb into the French chamber of deputies, on December g last. which, exploding soon after it left his hand, wounding himself and about fifty others, some of them se- riously, was beheaded at the Palace de la Roquette, in Paris, at 7:10 o'clock on the morning of the 5th. His last words were: Death to the bour- geoisier'
 At Gate City, Ala, on the Sd, Con- gregational church. in which Chris tian Endeavor meeting was being held was blown down by cyclone which
 
 fifty persons in attendance escaped in jury, two of the victims soon dying of their wounds
 FIRE destroyed the telegraph office, part ot the county jail and opera house at Pomeroy. O., on the 4th; loss, over $40, ,0O0
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09
PERSONAL AND POLITICAL.

JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER, the Standard Oil king. has closed deal by which, in consideration of d sum believed to be in the neighborhood of Sl0,0o0,0 900, he ob- tained control of nearly all the valua- ble iron mines in the Lake Superior region and several heavy producers in Cuba.
 ON the 9th D. T. Jones. of Illinois, chief clerk in the life-saving service, treasury department, dled in Washing ton. of pneumonia, after two weeks illness Mir. Jones was 50 years old. and had been in the treasury for twenty years.
 ADyICEs received at Zanzibar from the interior of Africa. on the 4th. were to the effect that William Astor Chan Ter, in command of an exploring expe- dition. who was deserted by nearly all of his followers, was on his way east. and was expected to reach Nom bas oD the 10th.
 OWING to the illness, of the czar all Russian court fetes have been aban- doned. Banquets and balls announced by the ambassadors at St. Petersburg have been postponed for the same reason.
 IT is stated on high authority in Lis bon that the Rothschilds are furnishing money to Admiral Da Cana, the cou- mander of the Brazilian insurgents at Rio Janeiro.
 ON the 9th the state department re- ceived from United States Minister to Nicaragua Baker copy of decree issued by the government of Nicara- qua. recognizing the provisional gov ernment of Honduras, established by Policarpo Bonilla, and agreeing to act as the latter's ally.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09
WIS IN BRIEF.
Compiled from Various Sources.
CONGRESSIONAL PROCEEDINGS.

IS the senate. on the 3ist among the nuner- ous remonstrances presented against various points in the Wilson bill was a batch from re- ligious societies ssking that the tax on whisky be irebled- After the routine morning business the Stewart resolution declaring that the sec retary Of the treasury is not authorized to issue and sell bonds was taken up and occupied the remainder of the days session In the house. after the committees had besn called for re- ports the Wilson tariff bill was taken up in committee Of the whole. and the internal-reye- nue bill was placed rider upon the tariff bill by vote of l75 to 56
 IS the senate. on the lst after the morning hour, in which MT. Stewards bond resolution was debated. the bill to repeal the federal elections law was laid before the senate but no senator being prepared to speak upon it, discussion of the Stewart resolution was re- sumed .... In the house the Wilson tarir bill was further considered in committee of the whole until F o'clock when the committee arose, and the various amendments were dis posed of by vote. and the bill itself being put upon its passage. the ballot resulted; Yeas. so4: nays, l40
 IN the senate. on the ed, MT. Villas occupied almost the entire session speaking to an amendment to the Stewart resolution declar ing the authority of the secretary 6f the treas ury to apply the proceeds from the sale of bonds to appropriations made by congress. The tariff pill was laid before the senate and re- ferred 10 the finance committee In the house the day was devoted to the consideration of the Hawaiian resolution.
 THE senate was not in session on the sd..s... In the house a resolution was offered reritlns tlat the house Of representatives of the United States of America regards with pleas. ure and satisfaction the prompt action of Rear Admiral Benharn. on the 2sth ult.. fin the har- bor of Rio de Janeiro in his efforts to protect the citizens and commerce of the United States The morning hour having expired. the special order, the Hawaiian resolution, was taken up. and its consideration occupied the re- mainder of the session.
 IS the senate. or the 5,h. house bill to repeal the federal elections law was debated during most of the session. The anti.option bill was brought up hy motion to refer to the judi ciary committee the bill introduced some weeks ago by Mir. George. but no action was taken on the motion .-....I In the house a me morial by the Massachusetts legislature. pro. testing against the passage of the Wilson tariff bill. was presented The Hawaiian reso- lution was then taken up. and its discussion oc- cupied the remainder Of the day and all Of an evening session.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09
CONDENSED TELEGRAMS.

Fred KelsaIl. a merchant of Canton la. has
 been indicted for arson. The prevalence of measles Is causing much alarm at Leavenworth Kas. Mrs. Mary Hugman died at Salem O., fulfill ing prediction she had made. Copper ore in considerable quantities has been found in Tama county. Ia. At Latrobe. Pa, Godfrey May shot his wife dangerously and then killed himself The St. Louis grand jury is Investigating Train Robber Hedgepeth's attempted escape. dispatch from Berlin states that the Rus so-German commercial treaty has been signed. The prince of Wales has decided to enter his yacht Britannia Tn the Marseilles and Riviera regatta. William McMahon of PawPaw Ill. died al his home He was a master mason. and aged 65 years
 greater revival of religion than was ever before known at Mason City. Ia. is now in progress It IS said that the tarir bill will be ready to report from the senate finance committee in ten days.
 Representative Warner. Of New York. has introduced bill to provide for a safe and more elastic curren Y. w. A. Ryan. postmaster of Van Horn. Ia committed suicide rather than submit hIs ac counts to an inspector.
 Mrs. Catherine Gandolfo a resident of Du ouque county. la. for fifty years died at Rich. ardsville. aged sl years. A conference was held by antsilver leaders in the house 10 formulate plans for opposing the Bland seigniorage bill.
 NJ V. Blackburn, former editor of the Tray. eler at Des Moines. la. died at hotel in Ot. tumwa Ia, of consumption.
 At the meeting Of the board Of supervisors oi Kings county N. Y.. Monday Boss Mckans was deposed as president pro tenn. Of that body The future of Admiral Benham depends largely on the action by congress on the com plimentary resolution now pending in tho house.
 The northern and southern Methodist minis ters of St. Louis and vicinity will meet 1T union love feast upon the first Monday ir March. E Prosperous Leseuere. son of a merchant at Marshall, Mo. arrested for seduction His sister snatehed his bond and burned 1t and he escaped.
 Jeremiah Taylor. aged a died suddenly al South Bend, Ind, Of apoplexy. He had been in the employ of the Studebaker Bros for nearly forty years. C N. Henson. bank president. shot and killed J. B. Vert. ar insurance man in an ele vator at Chattanooga, Tenn. as the result of family scandal. F motor line car running between Alton and Upper Alton. IL. was held up ny tramps in deep cut between the two towns. Conductor Moore was sandbagged and robbed
 The recent trouble the German government has had in its Cameroons colony in Africa was caused by the German governor ordering the wives of native soldiers to be iogged
 Samuel $ Gray. postmaster at Hamilton IL, was removed by Inspector Mercer. and the office turned over to Gray's boadsmen A shortage Of sso was found, which was made good
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09
MISCELLANEOUS.

ANOTHER successful test of armor plate by the Bethlehem (Pa.) Iron Co. was made, on the Sd. at the company's proving ground at Reddington, Pa. The test involved the acceptance of nearly 400 tons of armor intended for the monitor Puritan, now being con- structed at the Brooklyn navy yard The plate tested was Is feet long. 6 feet wide and II inches thick. A To- inch gun was used in the test.
 ON the 5th the carnival festivities at New Orleans opened with the arrival of King Rex. The city was full of vis- itors from all sections of the country.
 ONE HUNDRED AND sEvENTY-EIGHT negro converts of all ages. sizes and col ors were baptized by immersion in the canal at Indianapolis, Ind, on the 4th. The weather was cold, and a raw wind from the northwest prevailed,
 IT is announced that so many bonds of small denominations are wanted by the b dders for the new treasury loan that they can not be made ready for delivery before about the 20th
 SEVEN conspicuous leaders in the late anarchist outbreak in Carrara and Massa di Carrara, Sicily, were sentenced in the latter city on the 5th to terms of imprisonment varying from two to eight years.
 ON the morning of the 5th the ther- mometer registered IS degrees below zero at Plattsburg. \. Y. At Saranac lake il degrees below was recorded, be. ing the coldest weather in the history of that region.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

OS the 4th an explosion occurred In the Barrett tar factory in Minneapolis. Minn. Several hours later the dead body of Night Engineer Johnson was found in the building. It is supposed that the pipe of the still clogged up and that he went in to discover the cause. He was hurled twenty feet, and his body was terribly mangled.
 THE body of Charles Mall. musician of Battery l., who disappeared from Fort Riley, Kas., some weeks ago, was found in the Raw river on the 4th. Mall had been twenty-eight years sol dier, and in two years would have been retired on full pay. It is believed he met with foul play.
 THE barn of Travis Ashley. of Oak Hill, Tenn, was destroyed by fire, thought to be of incendiary origin, on the 4th. Forty mules, four horses, 600 bushels of wheat, large quantity of feed stuff and farming implements, were burned Loss, about Ss,0O0; in- surance, S1, 300.
 ALBERT WALTON, 34 years old, na- tive of New York, has been arrested in Copenhagen for swindling. It is said that over 400 merchants in Hamburg. Berlin, Switzerland and Russia have fallen victims to his operations.
 ON the 4th Dr. A. E. Bolsar. vet erinary surgeon and well-known horse man of Richmond. Ind. committed sui eide by shooting through the heart.
 ON the 5th Savannah, Ga, suffered from a $500, ,000 fire, the worst since the great confagration of 1889.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THERE are seven hundred women practising medicine in the Russian em- pire, and new school of medicine for women has just been started in St. Petersburg with a four years course of study. To the support of this school the state contributes annually 15,0O0 roubles, and from one to three years service in the hospitals for women and children is expected of the students before they present themselves for the final examination.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THERE was a startling outcome to a civil suit in Kansas City court recent ly. The case of plaintiff suing for back salary was summarily dismissed and on an incontrovertible showing the erstwhile plaintiff became defend ant and judgment was recorded against him for s26,ooc representing a portion of funds embedded while act ing as agent for the parties sued in the first instance.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

A ST. LOUIS alderman who went to Florida recently on sport and pleasure bent has returned home sadder and a wiser man. He thought he had re- ceived his quietus when he balanced his cash account after backing the wrong tips in the fistic argument at Jacksonville, and went to St. Au- gustine to recuperate; but there he received his coup de grace by being re- fused admission to the dining-room of one of the swell hotels because he didn't sport swallow-tail coat.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THE Crystal glass works of Bridge port, O., one of the largest concerns in that part of the country, will shortly begin operations on the cooperative plan. It is proposed to give to each man earning over nine dollars week non-assessable stock in the proportion to his ability to pay for it out of his weekly earnings. As he pays for his stock it will be transferred to him, a share at. time, on the company's books, and he will at once begin to earn dividends, if the company does.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THE Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in New York city is moving in the matter of expressing the fad of the ladies in wearing so- called chamelons confined by chains as breast pins, and shop-keepers dealing in the reptiles have been notified to cease their sale. The reptiles sold as chamelons are nothing more than a species of green lizard common along the tributaries of the Mississippi delta
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

ADMIRAL. DA CANA, the Brazilian in- surgent commander in the harbor of Rio Janeiro now knows where he's at. He has been informed not only by Ad- miral Benham, but by other foreign commanders that inasmuch as belliger- ent rights have not been conceded to the Brazilian rebels, any act looking to the hampering of commerce in the har- bor is piracy. and will be treated as such in future
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

;. ESRAGED by the fact that the girls, who are in the majority, had appro- priated every place on the graduating programme. the boys of one of the Chi cago high school senior classes signed a compact to bolt and deprive the graduating exercises of their presence, and also threatened to ignore the senior juniors.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THE name of the ticket-scalper who has knocked out the railroads in the district court in Minnesota happens to be Corbett, and the decision is that the anti-ticket-scalper law is unconstitu- tional The travelling public will brass hand
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

1IT turns out that ]. Pierpont Morgan is the unknown benefactor who has been supplying the capital for Nathan Strauss cost-price store in New York. It is an admirable charity. and one that costs little. since the run of trade on such an institution is sure to bring back every cent invested.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

THE Brooklyn tabernacle shortness is said to have been caused by the habit of Mir. Talmage's flock in putting noth- ing but pennies into the contribution box, two thousand of these coins get ting in on one day. Possibly many of the members were interested in slot machines
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

1. TIE czar of Russia receives no stated stipend from the state: nevertheless he is not wholly dependent upon charity, as the income from about million square miles of imperial crown lands brings him about twelve million dollars annually. and on that he manages to pull through.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

DR CARBON, of the Michigan univer- sity, thinks that the future book and perhaps the future newspaper will be printed on green paper with white ink, the human eye not being capable of enduring the strain put upon it by the present fashion of printing.
The Forrest City times., 1894-02-09

WHEN anything British crosses the Atlantic to contend with an American product for supremacy it invaria ply gets left It makes no difference yachts or pugs-we get there just as we did against the bullets and bayonets in .';he times that tried men's sorlS 't