The Newtown bee., 1894-01-05
We've Got It At Last, Ye Crusty Old Bachelors, A Substi-
 tute For Woman.

W We have been adding to our stock ot furni- turG at lIawleyVillG H patented article espe- Cially made and adapted to doing the things a woman cHn. An article that, ill some lines Oi labor, can accomplish more than any 10 Ot the Smartest women between PaS5amaquOddy
 bay and the backbone of the Rockies A sub- Stltute and, really, in many ways, an i'm proEelnent on woman. Now when you real lzc how long time il is since an improve ment has beer made, or even thought of, on
 woman as originally planned, 1ou must ac- knowledge that we've "struCk it rich" for these hard times, but we wish il distinctly un-
 deratOOd that we have formed no league tor the eXterminatiOn or crOwding of woman off the sphere. We still hold to the opinion that
 she is d cal necessity, but you know there
 are lots of men-crustV old bachelors, gener- ally-whO take an opposite view and believe
 that marriage and women in general are
 colossal failures of the hrst magnitude seem
 nBly tender hearted men, toO-men who
 would take pains to warm the water when
 drowning female infants. These are the men
 who argue that the first man and his pros
 pets ana hlS descendants and ther prospects
 were seriously injured, crippled and almost plotted out by that miraculous surgical Oper AtiOn on his rib. There are thousands ot just this class of men in the country, enough Of them so that it seems 10 us there must be money in it for us to boom and push the sale of thls article and have made arrange ments with the manufacturers to keep us sup piled with all sty les and sizes. We acknOwl- edge that our motives are purely mercenary, for ) Ou must know that it is very distastetul to us to willingly do anything detrimental to the interests Ot the talr sex, and especially anything that points toward substitution or CXterminatlOn, but, dear friends times are hard and we must do something to keep the wolf from the door. Hunger has even been known to cause men to slay and eat q boon cOmpa niOn and fellow traveller. Our princi- pal industries at HawleyvilIe, as you have | been told, are in he main furniture and the natural propagation of pollyWOgs. The pas- 1 sage Ot inc silver bill did moi seem to help us much. During July and August the polly | wag hatcheries in the great north frog ponds | were in a wonderfully prosperous condition. w e could point with pride to countless mil lions; great fat fellows with tails so large that l they could almost waggle the wog. Hard | times," with it's inVidiOus, invisible work | ings struck the country, and about the time | the Wilson bill was reported and so many in 1 dustries suddenly became paralyZe we dis 1 covered that every pOlywOg's tail was be. coming purGlyzed and they finally dropped l of. Yes, sir, dropped of, and now, since the
 pl ess Of the country has beel, filled with heat selves have followed the example set by the | tails and dropped off also; not a wog nor a tail to be found in all our vast eXpanse of hatcheries, and yet they have been held strict ly aloOt rom the contaminating influence of the partisan press. There seems t'r be mys. teiious, unhrard, unseen, sympathetic under current Ot thought and feeling permeatlng | every town and hamlet and frog pond of our country, carrying men and beings on to ruin l whether they will or no Such paralyzing ot the wheels Ot "intant industries" never
 before known in HawleyvilIe. Therefore,
 lair readers, we feel that you will pardon us
 tor engaging in the sale of an article so detri
 mental to your interests. We trust the clouds | will soon lift and we may be able to say and I do some thing that will help your cause as
 much now injure it. In tact we've got
 to. whether the clouds lift or not, for come to
 think we have one ot your own sex right ir
 our family that we've sworn to look after and
 sustain thro' thick and thin, storm and tenn l pest, sun shine and shadow, tariff or no tariff r But the men who don't believe woman
 and are looking for a substitute we say coms
 and see us, we've got just what you want
 Io.. can run it yourself if you want to and i
 can't run yOu. Wears silks nor trills ant
 eats no bon bons. Will do everything in it
 line you it to, but sew on suspender but
 tons. It draws the line there (what woman
 doesn'D, but we look during the year for al improved button sewing attachment whereb,
 we can run man right through without dis
 robing him and in four to six revolutions sev on every button, mend his pockets and creas
 his trousers In the meantime don't forge
 that, although the air is filled with rumors 0
 hard times, we are still distributing furnitur
 at Hawleyville of old and we are nOS
 headquarters in Western Connecticut for tn
 NEW HOME SEWING MACHINE. Don't yo
 buy till you see us; you'll be sorry if you dc