The Mason County journal. [volume] (Shelton, W.T.) 1886-1927, 1894-12-28
TOO MANY COLONIES.
North Dakota Is Being Overrun
with Them.
Like the Festive Grasshopper, They Null
tiply and Swarm Over the
State-NO Prlvates Are
Among Them.


Colonies are getting to be nearly as
great nuisance as the Russian cactus,
says the Fargo Argus. They are null
tiplying and increasing with danger
GUS rapidity. You can scarcely throw
stone at dog without running the
risk of accidentally hitting a colonel.
Colonels in multi, which may be Dad
cloth or corduroy, in stable frocl1s or
barkeepers' aprons, taking orders for
books or rubber stamps or selling pat
ent medicines or plasters, are as COM
mon as straight whisky in Kentucky
or rs new theories of government in a
pOpulist maSS-meeting. 1t was once
proposed to raise regiment composed
entirely of colonies. The troubles now
adays would be not to get the regiment,
but to select from enough applicants for
an army corps. Fargo alone could prcb-
ably furnish more colonies than there
are in the active list Of the army-and
some of Fargo's colonies are men who
really have served in the army, which
distinguishes them from the cOlonelS
of most communities. The captain. :"
the ledge and the major are not
to be mentioned in the same day with
the colonies. These old relics of south
ern barrooms are vastly in the minor
ity, and the day of the colonies is at
hand.
Like the lilies of Egypt they throng;
like the grasshoppers of Missouri they
congregate. From every station in
life, from every profession, Of every
age and condition, there are colonies
to the right and left, colonies adj lib
itum and ad natiseam. From whence
this great aggregation of colonelistic
talent? Where have been bred the
eagles that have swOoped down and
roasted upon all these shoulders? Some
of them were infants in arms when the
late war closed some of them were
manipulators of hotel registers and
concocters of the Initiating cocktail
while the war ragged, and some have
been tenders of equestrian steeds since
they have been high enough to reach a
stirrup. How come these to be dubbed
''cOlOnel?'
Faithful and persistent inquiry
among the colonies themselves throws
little light upon the subject. Some
cannot claim anything better than
that their wives people kept a hotel
where the soldiers boarded. They do
not claim, even, that they themselves
kept the hotels. There would seem to
be a shadow of reason why the ma
jestic creature, in a clean, starched
shirt and Alaskan diamond pin, look
ing complacently to heaven as he
balances toothpick with his lips and
thrusts a penholder at guest, should
be called by a high-sounding military
title, but to dub man colonel only be-
cause his father-in.law' brother kent
q clearinghouse seems to be strain
ing n point. Another colonel, when
asked as to his command, hemmed
little, putton a frOwn, supposed to be
fierce, pulled his shirt" collar a little
higher, and replied that he had for
gotten the numbernof ;'his regiment.
1T was SO long AGO, you know, and
have always had bad head for fig
ures." Another explained that hav-
ing formed partnership with major,
who was a junior in concern, it be-
came necessary, as a matter of disci-
pline to the help, that he should rank
his partner. The fact remains, how
ever, that the colonies are overrunning
the earth and consuming the substance
thereof. Privates arie as scarce as the
teeth of hens. Most unmilitary people
think that corporal is the higher Off
Ger, and whoever hears of a sergeant?
There is a general impression abroad
that a colonel has something to do
with horses-something between far
! rier and veterinary surgeon-and the
real coionels, the few who really bore
Uncle Sans commission as such. are
without honor in the country where
mock colonies constitute a majority of
the male population over the age of
twenty.