Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1894-05-13
bANDLADY.


affairs into the hands Of her legal ad-
wiser is q different thing entirely.
In that case landlord or landlady is the
same TO the tenant. II you pay your
rent on the proper day you will be
treated with some justice. II the roof
blows of, the boiler collapses or the
ceilings fall, proper wOrkmen will be
sent to make repairs, and really you
have seldom much reason 10 consider
yourself ill-ussd by one
The HORSEPOWER TO whom l allude Is
usually a woman of the lower orders.
; She appears on rent day an hour or so
before early breakfast, all out Of breath
with anxiety, with suspicion that you
will not pay her stamped upon her coun-
tenance. She counts her money six
times over, always making different
amounts Of IT, and, after the seventh
attempt, rolls II up with a despair
ing-"well, since you say it's correct, I
s'spese IL must be-" The receipt is not
in any OF her pockets-she thinks size
has left 10 home, il she hasn't lost IL In
the cars; but when she puts the rent into
her stocking, saying: 81 carry II there
because folks know I'm out collecting,
and l might be murdered for it,"-she
finds the paper for which she has been
searching, in the same calm retreat, and
hands il over, reluctantly.
Then il she would say good bye and
go away 10 stay for thirty days, how
happy you would be-but that she never
does. The lease that she has signed
means nothing 10 her but that you must
pay her her monthly rent. 1t does not
in her estimation give you the right TO
lock your door and make your home
your castle. IL is her idea that,
being the landlady, she can enter
the house at will. You are continually
meeting her Unexpectedly on the garrett
stairs, finding her down cellar. IL she
is unusually gOod-natured and atfable,
she will suddenly emerge from ward
robe, closets or pRntries, saying: Don't
make no company OF me. I'm jest
loOkin' round to see how things is.
Didn't ring nor nuthin' SOS not TO dis
turb nobody"
Her cool self-possesion sometimes
puzzles you into believing that she
really has a right TO be there, and II is
not easy TO turn any one out your doors
without Insult
IL you look somewhat astonished and
she feels that you may know that she is
az intruder, she plays you trick which
should not deceive you If you have ever
had q laudlady. She says: About
them repairs now. I'll bring some one
round TO see about EN-"
Now a house owned by this sort OF
landlord never has lock that will shoot,
or ceiling that is not cracked, or
hinges that hang well, or shutters that
are in order, or windows that have their
full amount Of cords, or a dumb-waiter
that does not stick half way, or chin
neys that DO not smoke.
You have prepared list OF necessary
repairs, perhaps, and present II TO her,
and she has you in her power.
The little landlady always possesses
q dilRpidated relative or connection,
who not being able to do anything
properly, is supposed TO be master OF
all trades. This being she introduces
into your home as sort Of entering
wedge, following al his heels wherever
he goes.
Now, be Is supposed to be roofer,
now locksmith, now a carpenter, now
painter, now plumber. Sometime
he arrives with hammer and nails,
sometimes with little furnace and a
stick OF solder, sometimes he swings
paint pot as he comes, sometimes ring
of rusty keys. Mrs. Landlady intro
ddces him as Mr.. Patch. He does all
repairin'," she says, "'cause l cant
trust nobody else"
And now for many weary days the pair
prowl around the house together. In
wade all the rooms, peep up all the
chimneys, hang out all the windows,
sit on all the stairs.
Whatever Mr.. Patch nails up drops
of again. He puts Jumps Of plaster in
10 walls, but they never stay there. The
rusty keys will not turn; the paint
seems TO evaporate, leaving dirty marks
where II has been; but the clatter!
the racket, the shrieking up
stairs and believing down! is unceas-
ing. The happy pair go outside OF the
house and point up at it. They 20 out
on the roof and hang over. Mrs. Land
lady teaches Mr.. Patch how to paint the
porch, how TO drive in nails, wnen she
is of duty. Occasionally Mr.. Patch
goes for beer and drinks IL sitting
astride the UarlOr window. There are
chips on the floor, s2wdust on the chairs
and tables, plaster on the staircase and
Splatters OF paint on your furniture. AS
for repairs, none are really made. The
house was merely out OF order before;
now it is a thing OF daubs and patch
es and scratches, over which you weep.
At last you grow so weary OF IL all that
YOU would submit TO any Inconvenience
rather than mention ito hear that IA
tai declaration, "I'll fetch Mr.. Patch 10
tend 10 it,"
curious facJ too, that the sort
of landlsdy ] sllude 10 hates anything
beautiful. II you have that excellent
thing, wiSteria vine, upon your house,
she pines 10 tear il down. II the door
is shaded by fine tree, she longs to
/ put the axe 20 the root, or rather TO set
Mr.. Patch to hack it down.
When YOU quote "WOOdmau, spare
that tree" for her benefit, she shifts
aud remarks, well, for my part, l
don't see what nobody wants OF trees
and vines; they just keep yen from see
/ in what your neigh bOrS is doin'."
Often, though you DO your best, she
Z has her way, and under the pretext
that perfectly sound tree is dangerous,
or that q vine makes the house damp,
deprives you Of their shade aud YER
dure, and sends Mr.. Patch with a cart
70 gather ID the Ending wood to which
he has reduced them.
On woman, woman, widow or spins
ter. femme sole, wherever you are, lis
ten 10 my advice. Buy yourself a house,
If only 10 order that you may never find
yourself in the power of that terrible
being, the little landlady, and her fac
totum, Mr.. Patch.
MARY KYLE DALLAS.