Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1894-12-22
No. %.
Prof. Wilson's Soliloquy

Sffftftftf1 - fttNft bfN<fNffHf AWft
Time.
CHAIRMAN WILSON, L.ooIruR. 81
am the father of the Wilson Bill, or
rather the Bill Wilson is my boy, and
laundering boy he is. too. That
offspring, or, more rightly, that
spring off had the most CAREFUL nurses
and physicians. was trained in the
nurture and adnouition of the Demo
cratic party and would have had Pres
ident Cleveland for a godfather but
he SAID twas redheaded and had ireck-
les, and he didn't someway like the
looks Of it. looked upon my Bill as
heir-apparent TO the universal throre
by the way, universal throne! that
hath similar sound and an accom-
paning tlIud that strikes harshly on
mine ears)
"The birth OF that kid caused enor-
nous joy among all nations, except
perhaps the United States; but that
cuts a small figure True, the Senate
put handkerchief in his pocket to
use and a chrysanthemrm in his but
tonhole and readjusted his necktie,
but nevertheless he is my son and has
my earmarks in large dimensions, and
is considered by my old.time constit-
uents i'll West Virginia to be verita-
Bile chip off the old block -head by all
that is out and he went through both
Houses like rich relation, even if he
didn't get the Presidents name in his
autograph album, and became OF age
with whoop that paralyzed-that
paralyzed about everything, and for a
time the father Of that boy did about
as we'll as could be expected But
England Hold Henglandl what cher
ished memories linger fmy receptic II
in that land Of my adoption They
brushed the dust off my clothes ard
BACKED my boots and wiped the chairs
off for me to sit on, and said without
doubt that | was the best looking
American that had ever shaken the
shores Of Albion by stepping on them.
They banquetted me till | was fall,
aud evinced a desire to make me Am
haccadNr pO,,at 70 tta Ir..tal c..
with headquarters at Washington, so
that / might work in the interests Ct
Great Britain, and all this because
was the daddy of the boy that killed
the hopes of the men Of trade and shl
down the shops where the poor found
work and opened the ports for paupcr
goods to play the duece in the house
that Uncle Sam built. My speech
has been cited as the model OF Eng
lish rhetoric, since, you know. it was
so thoroughly English, and didn't
smack bit of anything purely Amer
lean in its logic or deductions. espe.
cially its deductions. All the British
papers concuued in saying that in my
speech was the most complete ex-
ponent Of the English language and
English thought since the days Of
Chaucer or Bite-oiI- more- than-you-
can-Chawsir. spoke English so
plainly in all its imports, and especi-
ally exports, that they could readily
understand me with both eyes shut
hobnobbed with the British Lion as
the American lynn They looked on
me as the forerunner of new era--a
new Erie Of freight. If was so unior-
tunate as to leave my poeketbook al
home did not want for a cent; moth
ing was the least bit too good for me
Britishers even went so far as to loan
me their umbrellas and went ahead To
shove the log off the sidewalks. piling
it up in the gutter Every fog horn
in the streets gave notice Of my com
ing. while l dropped courtesies and
HIS on all sides as typical American
should do.
"But now / wish / had taken a no.
ton to demise then and receive a de-
cent burial in Westminster to slow
music. II would have been a cheerful
affair and could have done it with
satisfactory results; but to live t. be-
come dead from free traGe-frce trade
and unlimited, unrestricted votes, al
most makes me go dead again, and a
man in these times cannot stand a
good deal OF dying greatly miss
ed it by not inserting tariff on votes.
They seemed to be a little too blamed
free to suit my complexion. am left
as it were, on the threshold Of the
house Of my friends and not even q
bottle Of milk to sustain me, and nc
one to claim me It's pretty hard lo
for one who has thrown millions anc
millions into the pockets OF foreign
manufacturers without the asking
The idea that people who work ant
earn money can't pay for sugar bette
than those Of us who don't is prepos
ferrous. My bill was no wool and
yard wide, with selvidge. 1t relieved
the Woodworking farmers of the troub
lie of taking care of sheep. and now
am left out in the cold without feec
to cover my shame-and | noticed
that it someway happened to be coli
chill day when was left My littl
, Bill did not seem to strike the nostril
Of my constituents from the right di
rection. ! see where ! labored ans
sweat under mistake / was work
ing in the interests Of all things for
eign, and now all things are foreigi
, to my interests. It is decidedly non
interesting TO me as a spectator 10 m,
: own funeral when am just deal
: enough to be most disastrousiy aiiv
and would give most anything for
spoonful OF taxed sugar to sweetei