Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-03-28
ADVERTISING FOR A WIFE.

|
but, with every respect for hi
authority, | beg to say it was quit
the contrary in my case.
Twenty-one years ago, | was SIT
ting by my fireside, totting up in
Vulnerable pages of my bachelor
housekeeping-book, taking exercise
in arithmetic on long columns o.
"petty cash"-comprising items fol
carrots and Bath bricks, metal
tacks and mutton chops-until
tired and wearied, | arrived at the
sum total, and jerked the book on
the mantel-piece. Nearly at the
same time placed my hand in the
pocket of my dressing gown, drew
out leather case, and lit principe
Well, having lit the principe,
placed my feet on the fender and
sighed, exhausted by my long iot
of domestic accounts. | was then
in business-'twas small whole
sale business then, tits a large one
now-yet one mornings totting OF
carrots and Bath bricks, of metal
tacks and mutton chops, would tire
me a thousand times more than
twenty-four hours Of honest ledger
work. | sighed, not from love, but
from labor; for, to tell the truth,
had never been in love. Is this to
go on forever? thought l, as ! took
my third Whit, and looked dreamily
through the thin smoke as it as
cended between me and a large print
of the Capture of Gibraltar, which
hung over the chimney-piece. Am
I to spend my prime in totting up
parsnips, and computing carrots,
and comptrolling washing-bills?
sighed again, and in the act off flew
the bottom of my neckband, as
though some superior power had
seasonably sent the accident to re.
mind me of my helplessness.
The button settled the business
though, as it slipped down inside
my shirt, and passed with its moth
er-o'-pearl GOODNESS over my heart
it for a moment threatened to chill
my matrimonial resolution. | pi-
tied my own lonely state, and pity,
we know, rs akin to love. But how
was the matter to be accomplished
Most men at my age would already
have adjusted their inclination to
some object; SO that having made
up their mind and counting the
cost, little more would have remain
ed to be done than to decide upon
the day, and lay hold upon the
license. This, however, was not the
case with me. l had been toe
much occupied, too idle, or too in
dolent to devote the time or make
the effort to form an attachment
1t was through no disinclination OF
difficulty to be pleased; for had any
young lady of moderately agreeable
powers taken the trouble, she might
have married me long ere then.
should even have been grateful to
her for taking the trouble off my
hands; but / was too bashful to
adopt the initiative.
was a bashful man. This weak.
ness came from the same cause as
my Uncle Toby's.-namely, want
of acquaintance with female society,
which want arose from another
cause in my case-namely, too close
an application to business.
Accordingly thought of an ad-
vertisement; yet with no practical
design of doing business, but, as |
persuaded myself, for joke. So l
scratched with a pencil on the back
of letter the following:
WANTED, A WIFE.-None but
principals need apply. The adver-
tiser does not require cash, but only
a companion. He is six-and-twenty,
and, tired of single, he thinks he
can settle down to married life. As
men go, he believes he has a moder-
ate share of temper, and want of
timeis his only recourse to the news
papers. He has enough means for
himself and second party, and is
willing to treat at once. He is
quite aware that great many at
tempts to convert his honest inten-
tions into an extravagant joke will
be made, but he warns all rash in
truders. If he finds a man hardy
enough to make sport of his affe-
ton, he will thrash him-if wom-
an, he will forgive her. He has a
heart for the sincere, a horsewhip
for the impertient. In either case,
all applications will be promptly
attended to, if addressed to p. p, to
the office Of this paper"
/ felt proud of my composition,
and pulled away my principe with
a vague glee and anticipation of
something coming out of it. had
no very great idea that onytb;no