The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1894-05-31
Word From Lafayette Faris.
OAKLAND, CAL, May s, 1894.


EDITOR News. HERALD:--I am in Oak
land, California, was also in San Fran
cisco couple Of weeks, but my landlady
there, who Is young and pretty, wanted
to marry me, and, one day, before l
took time to reflect over the conse-
quences, / told her that didn't want to
throw myself liable to arrest for bigamy.
She took the hint, and ever after that
wanted to quarrel with me. So, to pre-
serve my own and the peace and dignity
of the great city, scooted about six
miles over the bay and took lodging
here in the house of an elderly French
lady, who seems more sedate, and not
quite 30 frisky.
Stockton? Yes, was there too; and
if you and the neighbors will just keep
still about it, will give you little of
my experience while there. But mind,
if you talk much it might land me heels
over head into regular Sierra gyser.
You see, there are some parts of the
story that would probably rile certain
Judge, whose jurisdiction l may have
to pass through before can get home.
The first day of my advent into Stockton
I pulled up in one of the several lunatic
asylums for which it is Justly famous.
But it is necessary to give all the pre-.
liminaries attached to this pulling up.
1t was at 10 a. M, March 23d, 1894, while
peaceably corraled in the Stockton
jailer's, Office 1 was relieved of all
surplus cash, checks, baggage, R. R.
tickets and pocket paraphernalia, and
chucked into formidable looking cell
to keep company with bank defaulter
and another thief, while the big copper.
eyed constable, who was "taking me to
a hotel" and another stiff, who had to
"assist in swearing" went off in search
of lunch or punch, 1 never learned
which. In about an hour thereafter the
lock clicked, the stout iron door swung
back and 1 was softly invited to ''step
out" 1 stepped, and, bidding my sad.
eyed, rougish cell mates a touching
adieu, accepted the company of
mild hammered deputy Sheriff. He
was an awful liar-this deputy-and we
sauntered across into the San Joaquin
what, hotel No, Court House, where
this mild.mannered deputy liar, instead
of taking me to place where l could
eat about four square meals at once, as
he had promised, introduced me to the
honorable Judge Budd as pagan from
the "Rising Sum-" out of refreshments
and needing much sleep in some quiet
"In." See the deception. How it fooled
me. "In" was their abreviation for in
sane asylum. 1t was enough. The
pleasant-faced Judge Immediately put
on that sterner front, which all inquisi-
tors are supposed to assume when hunt.
ing for witch-marks, and began an in.
quest of lunacy right over my devoted
head, and that with incrediable swift
ness. He with the cooper eyes," and
he, the "stiff," appeared once more
on the scene, made "affidavits," were
handed their vouchers and passed out,
perhaps to hunt more lunch or punch.
Though still in the dark, l breathed
some easier. But the time had come.
I eyed the Judge, the Judge eyed me.
He was thinking, so was L. wanted
to yell for help, but the Judge was more
calm. He took hitch in his chair,
braced back and started me through the
mill. He asked me all sorts of relevant"
questions. "Was born in the land of
the Rising Sun? Had I ever attended
ghost dance ?" &c. Then he forced
me to disclose the closet skeletons,
together with the mental status of all
my relatives and ancestors as far back
as Noah, who, I asserted, was the illus
trious head of our family, righteous
man whom greatly resembled both in
facial contour and devotional piety, and
who was also half brother to Min, the
fish god, to Nimrod, the first Republi-
can Mayor of Ninevah, and to that
older Babylonian sea captain, Ixtheus,
who would get hilarious on state occa-
siops and resembled Noah SO much in
all things that the Antediluvians took
them for twins. But right here is where
I missed it. You see, l had branched
out too far. didn't have the geneolog-
ical charts to back up my assertions
with me. The Judge discovered the
lameness. He gesticulated for silence,
and I "sighed and ceased to speak"
The Judge was sweating. So was 1. He
was evidently preparing to make for
the king row. didn't know where it
was. I didn't know what was up, but
kept my eve on the Judge. He grabbed
up an old beer bottle from under the
"law table," and thought he was going
to hit me, but he didn't. He muttered
something about the janitor and sailed
the bottle through the nearest window.
1t struck trolley wire, glanced to the
opposite side OF the street and demol.