Waterbury evening Democrat., 1894-09-20
HIS SLOW RECOVERY.
MT. Ell Webster Dilates Upon the Duplicity
 ofn

of Doctors
 "Some folks thinks them doctors don't know their business, but I guess them ez thinks so ain't never run up against 'em none," said Mir. Eli Webster to few of his friends who were seated on spike kegs and piles of OK chains in the village black smith shop.
 "Waal. hearn them ez knows say the science of medicine ain't by no means an exact science, not to speak of" remarked Deacon Humstcd, who invariably differed with his friend and neighbor on every subject under the sun-a practice which had added considerable zest to his exist ence for over 60 years.
 ''I ain't talkin erbout medicine ez a sci ence- I'm a-talkin erbout doctors and thet branch of the perfesshun which ant ez leg pullin,' said Eli firmly. Doctors is like mechanics Elf they git one job they'll alters make another fer themselves outer it. If you take yer watch to be re- paired jest once, it'll be outer kilter and hev sumhthin ther matter with 1t ez long ez it lasts. Same way with you when yer gifts goin to thcr doctor''
 Deacon Humsted remarked that somo people were put together like cheap watches, and no amount of patching and tinkering with their insides would ever take the crankiness out of them and make theni go right
 Eli passed over the roar of laughter which this hit provoked and continued his tale of woe.
 Last spring I was a-feelin little run down and outer sorts, and Maria got it into her head thet was ailin and must sec the doctor. Nuthin would do her but thet, and when Maria's set, ye know"--
 ''Thet the gray mare's the better hoss," II.
 II wasn't a talkin erbout no gray mares,' said Eli, who had missed the force of the allusion. This ain't hoss story. But, cz was sayin, went to tho doctors, and he said my system was in q low condition and needed buildin up. What l wanted ter do was to take iron and eat becfsteaks threo times a day. So paid him 10 shillin's and went away think in got off blame cheap. Waal, thct stuff he gimme and the beefsteaks built mo up immense. I got to feclin like a year lin colt, when all of sudden begun to break out with boils all over. Worst boils you ever sec. l tux sum tea made from white ash bark, but it didn't do me a mite CT good"
 Did you peel it up or down when you stripped it from the trce?" asked the dea- con shrewdly.
 ''I peeled it up. Er course knowed thet was ther right way If you want it to do any good
 Never knew it to fail if it was stripped upperds, '' said the deacon skeptically.
 Ut ain't no great shakes to find out sumthin you don't know" returned Eli. But, ez was sayin, the bark wasn't no good, and had ter go to the doctors az in. "'Hum,' sez he. Your blood Is too rich. You've been Twin too high. Yer oughtcr hev left of eatin them steaks when the hot weather cum on. But I'll give yer sumthin ter cool of yer blood. So he gimme q prescription fer sum stuff thet cooled my blood of. Regular chilled it, so thct took a bad cold and then cum down with pneumony.
 "Waal, then I he'd the doctor stidy fer four weeks, and when got better he said my circulation needed increasin, so he gimme n few doses thet quickencd 1t until it brought on palpitations of the heart Then he gimme sum did-yer- tell-us fer my heart, and thet knocked my stumach | out and brought on powerful attacks of dyspepsy, so thet I couldn't eat fried pork or nuthin.
 "Waal, by this time I begun to see through his game, and to sec thct ez long | ez kept goin to him he was a-goin ter | give me one kinder sickness to cure anoth- | CT and keep himself in n stidy job all the | time So just stopped eatin till my dys- | pcpsy got better, and then quit doctors. Now when I'm sick take Goldbcrg's l tincture. There's over r ingredients into | it, and no matter what ails yer sum one on 'cm is bound ter hit ycrl''-Harry Ro- | maine in Life.