New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1894-04-11

I do not say that the right Of way
through perdition is not paved with good
intentions, but believe that many of
our leading citizens will be disappoint-=
ed when they get there to find the hotel
roll on all the principal streets, placidly
resisting the wear and tear OF centuries,
as well as the disastrous effects of the
low, hot, malarious climate.
# we could see the sad effects of the
roll in its CHASTITY career along the ali
mentary canal, evading the .cuspids, BIZ
cuspids and molars, insulting the sub
mixillary, snb-lingual and parotid-sali.
vary glands, lands, wiping its overshoes on the
tlmid little eplglottis, toboganning down
the esoPhagus and landing with a dull
and sickening thud against the walls of
the true stomach, we would hesitate
about tampering with it. @~
live could lay aside our work for an
hour Or two and pass into the presence
OF old Mr.. Gastric, what would we see?
A man about medium height, with a sin
lister expression, little soured by over
work and anxiety He has just reduced
to a pulp a small wad of cake made by a
bride, and, entirely exhausted, he sinks
down near the storm door at the foot of
the via esophagus for rest, This is Old
Man Gastric, the man who never fl1nched
when pie and pantaloon buttons have
been bestowed upon him. But now, why
does he quail? Why does he shudder?
He is not paid extra for shuddering!
Hist!
It Is the stealthy football OF the baking
powder biscuit, with murder and alum
in irssbreast, With snarl of rage, and
a low, malicious gurgle that makes every
little gastric follicle curl up and try to
sneak away into the duodenum, he slaps
old Mr.. Gastric across the face and eyes
and the tournament begins.
** \ 4 4 y + i.
clhese stars represent The appearance
Of the firmanent as viewed by Mr.. Gas
tric. Two hours have passed. Down in
one corner of his laboratory, with the
death damp gathering on his brow, lies
the OLD q man, who has met rything at
picnic or lunch-counters that the broad
empire of Hashdom could furnish, and
yet never lowered his arms. They are
folded calmly now across his breast and
the weary hands of the brave digester
are forever. at rest. All is quiet save the
low nloaa of the liver. Then all is still
again.
Near the pyloric orifce stands the pride
Of tho Metropolitan Biscuit Foundry.
He smiles ironically as he sits down on
cotton flannel cake to get his breath.
This roll is the bane of our modern CIV
ilization. It IS carrying thousands down
! to the disagreeable realms of death. It
is attractive in appearance and when it
beams upon US with its siren smile we
are apt to yield. But let up beware.
No man should put hotel biscuit in his
mouth to steel away his brain. If had
son who wanted to become hotel man
and eat these death balls, I would say to
him, HBuy hotel if you wish, Henry
provided his name happened to be Hen
|ry) and run it and make money. but
have q home that you can 60 to for your
meals. Do not eat your own biscuits"
saw negro aweek ago, in Chicago
museum, eating lamp chimneys and glass
paper weights. His health seemed pref
ty fair, and asked him how he preserved
hisslongevity. He said he did it by draw
ing the line at baking powder rolls
Bill Nye in Boston Globe.
New Ulm, California.