Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-05-13
IT'S BElSTLY BAD, DorTCHERKHoW,
nuIv the Unseifsh serenade Their Sweet
hearts-Ths Idlcr Appears to be Down
on Children and Cats.

NJ. declined glass VI SV'" tt"' WV ""~
depicted on every face, and Jow Jackson
positively declined to tell joke. the
man who generally has "cinch' on the
big leather chair In the reading-room had
deserted his post and lay helpless on a
sofa. Fleming, the colored boy VINO Is
supposed to make himself useful at the
Club, longed to tear his own hair out
by the roots. but finding ii too short and
kinky. judiciously decided to abandon
the rash undertaking. In fact, the whole
establishment was filled with grief, and
the air usually so burdened with laughter
and merrlment, was laden with stiffness.
The hush grew solemn and then be-
came almost oppressive. All ieit that
they would go mad unless some one
spoke. and lawn Boisseau realizing that
something must be done, determined 10
give utterance TO an idea.
"Samm, dean boy" he said, 'is IL
WEAKLY so-cawnt there be some mistake
about IT."
"No lawn" quoth the oracular Samm.
"'tis too twue. It's IA blarsted, peasly
shame. don'tcherknow, but It's twue.'
y.
who has a colored ward and a Con'ede-
rate general named after him. what
must a fellah dor
"Weally cawn't say" replied sam,
"for there's no appeal from the Boari
of Diwectahs, don tcheknow. dean ie'-
lah.
And then after the crowd had urged L.
Adolnhus Chawkley TO desist from smok-
r.. to =
cigar being larger than the smoker, they
all filed in TO gaze upon the object Oh
their sadness.
Eight men assisted Boisseau to HIT up
Samm Worthams forty-pound stuck IN
order that he might point out the OBJECT
of this mighty discomfort. "Heah II 49,
chappies." said Jawn. as he pointed To
a sign. which read Gentlemen PUTTING
Their Feet on the Tables VIII be fihed
Twenty-Five Cents"
This rule was wisely adopted by the
hoard. because after a careful examina-
ton. IL was discovered that there WASH I
a man in the club-nO. not even the snort
legged ones. who could sit down, taiR'
smoke. write. or eat sandwiches without
having his feet poised above his head.
The mere act Of thus constituting one
self into the form Of a syphon was. In
itself. regarded as quite harmless, bue
when sixteen boys came In at once, ana
thlrty-two feet were placed on the table,
the festal-boards groaned under their
burdens as II they would collapse. Some
thing had to be done. and therefore the
board made the plunge. 1t was an awful
strain on the members-in fact, IL Is Il
fearful tax on any true Americah-'o
be thus hampcred. for the masculine clti-
zens OF our country. like the donkey VINO
cannot bray pardon the invidious com
parison) without raising their tails, ma
IL almost n physical impossibility 10 slt
down and keep their hoofs on the moor.
The chappies at the club-bless every ono
of the good little fellowS!-were just Ike
all other true Americans, and SO they SUI
fered for days and days. but now they
have become partially hardened TO the
irrevocable ed!ct. At one time they
thought to c!rcumvent the rule, and yet
maintain the elevation of their pedal eA-
tremities by standing on their heads, put
This WAS found to produce indigestion
and TO cause sudden rush OF IDEAS 70
the brain. and hence the scheme WAS
abandoned. But to use the words OF inc
immortal Samm tthan whom no petuor
chappie ever sucked soft drinks through
a straw, Its awl wight, now tor We
nut our deuced feet On the mantel-plece'
don tcherknow.
The man who is willing to give his
svceethoart a midnight serenade Is genu-
,nalv unseltish. and such an evidence OF
af,ecticn ON his part should be construed
as the most sincere and devoted love-al-
,yavs provided, Of course. that human
beings are capable OF such an IDEAL as
eincere and devoted love. After the
dreams of the snOOZing dulcna nav
heen soothed by the nocturnal harmony
and after all the neighbors, IN various
stofres of dcshabilie, have broken thelT
necks 10 see who Is thus performing the
act of gallantry, the sentimental Romeo
with his system checked full or mdlarlal-
fever contracted by the night air. retifes
that il TO say. he withdraws from the
scene. and later on, as he disrobes IN ms
humble apartment OF only one cnair, ne
counts his cash and realizes that ne Is
several dollars out, with nothing To sho"
for his pains 1the malar1al symptoms not
having yet manifested themselves Tne
mkt night he, Of course, goes 10 see tle
girl with the intention OF accidentally
and reluctantly letting her know that u
WAS him and not the other fellow twho'
by tn way. is present. that dld the So
renading.
She triumphantly announces 10 her gen
tienan visitors. who are glarng at each
other like two cooped ROSTERS. that on
the evening before she was treated TO the
most exquisite music. and YOU. coyly AMI
in a manner calculated 10 give the secret
away. ask who WAS her gallant admiref.
You take particular pains 10 let her know
Lv YOUR tones that IL was you and no.
body else. but she will not see IL AMI
firmly believes that you are gulltieSs oi
The delicate compliment Then shs
pcunces upon the other fellow, a prodigy
who never tod a lie. and he, being really
n conscientious fellow DESPITE the fact
YOU nate him, swcGrs BY all the gods that
IL gas not he who gave the serenGde.
Ia TACT his nrotestations are 50 vigorous
that she becomes suspicious and nOtinS
the yigor Of his denioia, sets him down
at once as the chap who conceived ana
executed the job. Nothing viii lead her
TO think otherwise. His embarrassment
and bushes firmly convince her. Sh'
thanks him prOfusely-so much, In fact.
that he takes his departure. as soon as
possible. AS he GOES cut she says To YOU:
What dear, good, modest fellow he is.
Nothing would induce him TO confess that
he gave me that serenadc. aIN yet his
-ciy bushes show it," And then you, IN
your Ltart. become bitter against all the
world, and when you think of the ludrl-
crous side of the affair you curse humani-
~ ana your soul is black as midnight.
Hut your better nature ultimately asserts
i.sslf. and after you have recovered from
rDur six-weeks spell Of fever YOU forgive
them both and go to their wedding.
1t appears rather presumptuous In me 10
criticize nature, / know. but | must con-
fess that it looks very much as IL she
made an awfully serious mistake when
she decreed that kittens should grow 10
be cats, and that babies should. in due
time, develop into grown folk" a cat
is very, very good 50 long as she Is a
kitten, bit when a kitten becomes eat
I've got 10 further use for her Tor him,