Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-12-30
'pOSSUMS GALORE
The Idlsr Sees Many Rilg-TslM iif
mints" h Bis Dfaans

mints " in His DfaanS
A CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE.
Gossip About tho westmorsiapd Clsb aad
Its worthy Members Good New.
Years Resolutions.
The ring-tailed 'possum which ate Al
the Westmoreland Club last Monday night
will long nnger In my memory a. one
OF the happiest recollections Of this fuie-
tide season, and the nightmares It pro-
duced few hours later will ever stand
out before me as a moral against noctur-
nal hilarity. Why that 'possum-or rather
that portion Of 1t which ate-should
have seen fit. at A. NJ. Christmas, to
play the part Of q nineteenth century
Jonah to my Whale accompaniment is
more than future generations will ever
know. but all the same. he did 1t.
Ere sleep had kissed my dusky eyelids
and my soft, trawberry-ice-cream tinted
checks had scooped out a small Luray
cavern In the bolster, became aware
of the multitudiuous presence OF pos
sums In my immediate vicinity, and the
horrors of the night began. / saw them
everywhere, smiling and grinning at me
as II they would chuckie themselves TO
death At first imagined they were try
Ing to show some appreciation OF the
careworn, worm-eaten jokes with which
had afflicted the public during the past
year. but couldn't screw my vanity up
to that point long. for no living creature
was ever known to smile at one Of my
jokes for more than a second, whereas
these 'varmints'' gurgled continuously.
To make matters worse, they wriggled
their tails around with more curly-q's
than l put on my signature when l en-
dorse check payable to my order, and
hour after hour they climbed over each
other In the atmosphere and danced the
german about my head. 1t was horrible
that highland verify It will go down In
history as a chaos Of indigestion alias
'possum "jim-jams."
Heaven forbid that any member OF the
w tluD SQcuIQ take OlcECe
at what 1 have sa.dl Should any repre-
| sentative of this grand old organization
espouse the cause OF the 'possum which
failed TO "agree" with me In several
particulars l would humbly ask his par
don, for the Westmoreland stands high
in my estimation-a thing calculated to
make IL prosper. The folks down there
don't put on any airs. They make you
| feel so much 'at home that when you
| start to go away you feel half inclined
to take some of the crockery with you,
and may be you do IL some one isn't
watching you. There IL n simple. laun-
dered-cuff air of elegance about the whole
establishment, from the polished ebony
bell-boy down to the bllliard-room floor,
which makes you feel that life is not
an empty dream, and that existence al
SO u week Is worth existing. For a
! long time have been In favor OF
| annexing the Westmoreland to my club
| Uhe Albemarle), and at our next annual
| meeting l shall propose IL. Since we've
had new pane OF glass put In our front
window we have very rightly felt proud
| but, still, 1 don't believe In people put.
ting on too many airs. and shall make
a fight 70 incorporate the Westmoreland
into our organization. When was young
i used to hear people abusing the clubs
and talking about their demoralizng in
| ffuences, but, gentlemen, six club.
couldn't compete against one lodge meet
ing. I've been to both, but ! always
had to be brought back from The lodg'
meetings.
It Is meet and proper at this time o
the year TO ask your fellow-citizen wha
he got Christmas. and to query hin
as to whether he emerged from the holi
day with an expanded head and a con
trasted pocket-book. For my part,
had the latter, but not the FORMER. Out
side OF the usual four handkerchief
which Heaven invariably sends To m
at this season, and the six muchoir-case
which always fall to my lot, 1 have llttl
to show, except holes In the family frui
cake and gaps in the mince pie. This lat
ter article, by the way Is nothing NOR
despite its proud record than aristocrati
hash, with a family tree and cousi
living on Franklin street When l wa
young used to wonder where all the file
went In the winter time. but think
understand now. Perfidious mince- -mea
pies! Had ] formerly known that, wit
every slice of your dark-complected make
up, there perished a million energeti
souls. l would have bade thee gone fron
my presence.
In recalling my Christmas presents
there was one that escaped my recolec
tion-the little bag of persimmons an
hlckory-nuts sent me by my rural bu
God-fearing relatives In the miasmati
slashes Of Hanover. Sadly greet thes
little bag of persimmons and hickory
nuts otherwise scaly-barks), for full we
l know that during the next Agriculture
Fair my rustic kinsmen will come an
board with me--nay, Will make my hous
their domicile for weeks to come. The
will never forget the present they sen
me. Their children and their children
children unto the third and fourth genera
ton will cherish the memory OF thos
persimmons and those hlckory-nuts, an
for centuries to come their offspring wi
board orr my progeny. For simple. ur
assuming yet unmitigated gall the guile
less husbandmen Of Hanover hold III
first premium.
Just think of IT. This old year is al
most defunct, and In two days we Wi
be starting out a-fresh, with new resolu
tons and bright hopes for the future
Every hour draws US nearer to the tim
when we can plead the statutes Of linn
tationS on some OF our old bills, an
every swiftly-fying minute brings u
closer to the awful moment when W
shall tackle our bosses for raise {
salary. But 1t is particularly on 'accoun
OF the good resolutions we make ths
1 recall New Years with pride. For day
before the happy occasion I think q
the many things I shall do during th
coming year, and after its arrival spen
the next 3e5 days breaking the resoll
tions l made. Now, for one thing, / al
going to stop smoking in 1895. I hav
, firmly made up my mind to do this-i
fact, I've promised somebody to do
, So firm Is my determination that ! ca
resist any temptation, and to show II
public my iron will, have ordered
gross OF Powhatan pipes and twenl
pounds OF tobacco to be put right In m
room before me. And. then, too. I'm q
ing to stop drinking. Not drop wi
touch my lips for the next year Q'l
going to take 1t through a straw, NJ
: will / even consent to hear cork pol
ping out OF bottle. don't drink II
kind that pops. II shows a noisy ten
perament, which betokens but little rel
strength of character. AS as evidence (
my frmness In adhering to the ten
| perance resolution. am having q pr
| vate still built in my coffee-pot (as
man In Georgia recently dit), SO that !
one inclined to strong drink can tind
And now, dear people. won't you q
Join with me in my efforts TO do bett
the next year? Let US all make goo
resolutions. and keep them--for twent
four hours, at least. Let us all, oy
= n L..