Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-04-29
HE LIKES THEM ALL.
one FARMER WHO DOESN'T .CRoAK
A Remarkable Crop Of Oysters and Corn
Il Swearing Permissible p
"Cali Me Hob"

| so that visitors could attend the show
and set themselves down In peace and
comfort, without fear of slipping from the
| narrow planks into an unknown eternity
below Every time go to a clrcus-and
| can no more resist the sawdust and
| the red lemonade than ! can a pretty
| grill become bitter against all hu-
manity. and even the stale, moss-coyerei
| Jokes Of the clowns. who by the way.
are the most frightful bores imaginable,
| fail TO please me. Assuredly. the modern
circus seats were not built for fat peo-
| pie, and since / come TO think about IL,
/ likewise conclude that they were not
built for lean people. They were ap-
parently conceived and designed by some
enemy Of mankind, who has certainly sue
ceeded In wreaking vengeance on all
his fellow-beings. When i attended the
"world-renowned consolidation of Amer
| jca's seven greatest shows last Tuesday
| night L found myself cllnging to sly
| inch scantling like ship-wrecked mari
| ner to floating mast, and every time L
| got my equilibrium in safe working order
| the man who sells peanuts ana makes
| II a point TO render everybody else's lie
a misery, came shufiling along and dis-
| turbed my poise.
Why do people eat peanuts at the circus
anyhow? In polite circles or society they
| are regarded with as much horror as Is
| that dear old custom of disposing Of food
| with ones knife and yet at the sflo"
| they are perfectly au fait. The other
| night while 1 was clnglng to the above
mentioned six inches of plank, l cast my
| eyes over the vast audience OF my fei-
low-sufferers, and 10. beneath the snim-
nering lights j beheld one that L love-
| The radiance OF the burning petroleum
| ilIumined her fair face and Kissed tne
| dimples on her sweet, young, ante-peiuih
| face. BY that personal magnetism "h,cn
| always exercise over all VINO are nuiiea
| in contact with me, she OWNED tnat
| was gazing at her, and with iooh Vi
profound tenderness, she cast n glance IN
nv direction and ,sn,lled-ah, such
smile, II was a smile that showed JOY
and happiness in every lineament OF inc
| features for her dainty mouth was hiled
with q quart Of peanuts. and her soul was
surrendered 10 the delights or the SooDeis'
Under ordinary circumstances that SHIRE
would have changed the tenor OF my
whole life and made me huinailta,ian
| but IL was at the circus, ana Win
| sigh I remembered that 1t was tne pea,
nuts and not my modest ainiaole sell
which provoked 1t.
"To do 1t, or not TO do it' Una. 10 .ns
ouestion. Whether tits nobler In the fhIii''
20 suffor the pangs and longings of curl
oet,y or IN bravely risk the consequences.
and. by investigating. end yourself? 10
dje-to act no more-and, by an act 10 say
we end the heartache, and the thousand
! natural shocks that flesh Is heir to- us
n consummation devoutly to be wishec'
| Trhus | sohlooui2ed as | stood before lhe
oIephant. and pondered upon the ad-
visibility of giving him piece o. chew-
ing-tobacco as he passed around .ne
| basket with his snout. Traditions hah.i'i u
| down by a long line of forefatners hau
| taught me that the circus elephant ms
| for all generations, been constltutiohaiIy
! opposed to tobacco. and that IL pisce
was slyly slipped ;Bto lds Si'enHa, { .
nose as he shifted II around among the
| spectators, the results would DE- ,hos. III.
| teresting. | longed, even as the mart
panteth for cooling waters, to uy the
experiment. but something-I know not
| vhat-bade me dcsist. Perhaps re-
| Elected on the cruelty OF my act 10
posterity-posterity that Is already rre-
| uaring 10 be born, SO that II can 90
| honor to my memory. and, checking my
| more ignoble emotions, i decide ed TO ue-
| prive the monstrous animal of the weed.
! But. although | thus abandoned tins pro-
iect which would doubtless have afforded
| great Joy to my enemies 0n It's resuitS
| / could not tear myself away from the
| elephant-"the big Ingun-rubber deVi,
/ as an adjoining small boy designated H.
III N II
| ing what an awful complexion the pro-
digious brute had. and how padly 1t
needed whitewashlng. And then, when II
absent-mindedly scooped up three cart
loads of dirt, and sauirted this all over
its back, and likewise into my face,
! became literally fascinated. The neat
habits of the brute, combined with the
liberal allowance Of crease5 in those tr"u-
sers. which nature has so literally be-
slowed upon the animal. struck me as
| worthy Of the highest admiration. Archi-
tecturally speaking, the elephant Is
failure for at a little distance, t Is ex-
ceedngly difficult. except by the most
minute mathematical calculation, to as
certain which Is the front end OF him,
and which the tother end. Still, the
/ beast makes up in quantity for what he
lacks in quality. and he is as essential
10 Il circus d5 10 AIt HibpNi " eAS hid'S'
1t is not often that we deniZens Of the
large cities have an opportunity 10 see
a farmer. and when we 10 behold one. he
Is generally "croaNing' and complaining
of hard times and poor crops. Every yea-
Is the toughest one in history for him,
and. according 10 his statements. the aeri-
culturist was put on earth TO suffer.
and to bear the burdens Ci other People.
knowing that this peculiarity Of farmers
IS almost proverbal. my soul 'rejolccd
within me a few DAYS ago wnen beneld
a remarkable exception 10 the rule-a
farmer who actually didn't croak. This
prodigy was as cheerful as man could
l,e He was ono of the party OF Norfolk
county soil-tillers. who came to Richmond
last week, and he rejoiced In the name
OF Lambert. Some one asked Inn If th.
soil in his section was good. "Good?"
repeated the Fastener. "why I guess il
is. When we plant peas in our cornields.
the corn grows so fast that IL pulls the
peas up by the roots. Why, gentlemen,
that ground Is so rich that when we hire
Niger We have 10 put thick solal bro
gans on him TO keep his Toes from sprout-
Ing"
How are the oysters down in that mar
vellous section?' asked one of the aston
1Sned listeners OF tte AGRICULTURAL MUM
chausen. "Why. they couldn't be better"
h replied. "When they get large enough
they come up n the shore AMI open tnein-
selves" The listeuers maryelled ireatly
at this roseate tinted description Of that
lend Of metarhot'cnl milk and honey. Ghl
concluding that tue country ''a farmer
came from couldn't 10 improved uron.
they bethourht themselves to query arn
about the cr)ps IN this vicinity. No. Re
didn't think mich o. them, and he unier-
sinrd tha5 Ia. al liiY Of the soil - ire
neighborhood of Petersburg was such as
70 MAKE Il nun tear MS hair. Would
you believe IT," quoth the speaker. In this
connection, when they plant corn In
Dinwlddie they haT, to nut sunpowder in
the ground 10 make IL shoot
But we suppose the peas grow all right
over there, don't they?" queried an
anxious chorus OF auditors. Peas
humph--" exclaimed the veracious hus-
bandman, "why they planted some peas
there last year. and they are still a'grun-
tin" This reply foored the questioners,
and they ceased TO query the prodigy, but
they did marvel greatly.
Tell me, ye grave authorities whose
duty 1t Is to settle all disputes pertain
I'll. \ l..