Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1894-08-01
TEMPERANCE COLUMN.
EDITED BY JoNEsBoRo W. c. t. U.
A JUBILEE OLE DEVILS.

some place of shelter for the night.
Casting my eye to the left, l espied a
large opening, and thither l bent my
steps.
Stepping into q winding cavity in
the passage, l sat down. Looking
through a crevice in the rock, l saw q
multitude of strange beings advance,
and defle right and left. A terrible
blast of trumpet was given, which was
answered from within, and then some
n exclaimed aloud, Have the
Princes vicegerents assembled?" Puts
SAINT Prince of the power of the air,
your ministers are in waiting" was
the reply. A being of gigantic statue
then advanced, and after him followed
n numerous train. In a few minutes |
dared to follow. After proceeding
some two or three hundred feet, came
to the pandemonium of their assembly.
On the opposite side, in front, rose q
huge, black rock-the throne of the
chief devil. The superior fiend rose
from his seat, and with fiery eyes he
thus began, in tones that shook the
cavern Thrones! dominionsl DOW
ers! | have assembled you for consulta-
ton. l must devise some nor efficient
measure for arresting the progress of
temperance. Thousands of my subjects
have deserted. Many have SO far re-
covered from the effects of intemper-
ance as to be savingly affected by the
gospel OF my foe, Jesus Christ. They
have joined churches, and are laboring
to persuade others to do the same"
As he said these words, the whole
internal crew grasped their spears. He
continued: Something must be done,
or urcau will lose ground. Whether
1T be best to make open wal upon tenn
perance, or practice with greater vigil
lance our secret wiles, judge We. For
triumphant success | place great reli-
ance upon tobacco. We will first hear
from king alcohol and then | wish to
hear from his prime minister, my
valued friend tobacco, who stands
yonder in smoke"
Then, after king alcohol, brandy,
gin, whisky, rum, beer, wine and cider
had made brief speeches, relating their
progress in the cause of the superior
fiend, all %concurring in the fact that
tobacco was q mighty ally in their
satanics labor.
The great chief then bowed his head,
and extending his hand toward his
compeer tobacco. Tobacco arose. He
was a being Of great stature, and the
most filthy of all the hellish crew. On
the top of his head rose a large tobacco
plant, the leaves of which he moved by
mere effort of his will. His skin was
dry, and the color Of a scared tobacco
leaf. One cheek was distended by an
enormous cud, and the juice of which
oozed from his mouth, fell in drops
upon his filthy breast. A jar of snuff
was buckled to his side, and he kept
n hand titilating his proboscis with
its contents, while with the other he
held a huge pipe, which he frequently
put to his mouth, and from which
issued a smoke like the smoke of the
'bottomless pitt" He spake with q
grating nasal twang: May it please
your majesty, and you, most potent,
grave and reverend seniors;' | have
long known that my labors were second
to none in the cause; and your majesty
may rest assured, as long as find
favor among the posterity of Adam,
the glorious cause of intemperance,
will go on. To all the powers that be,
l bid defiance to stay the onward, desc
lating progress of inebriety as long as
my articles: pipes, cigars and guilds,
are loved and used. Some are aston
ished at the favor l receive. But 80 it
is; and your majesty is aware that |
am hardly suspected of aiding in the
cause OF intemperance. And while |
am sowing broadcast the seeds of death,
l am treated as a very companionable
fellow. Surely it has Ut escaped your
majesty that | have led more into the
ragged, raving ranks of intemperance
than any other. Be it understood by
this august council that no sooner does
a man break fellowship with me, than
his thirst for intoxicating drink dimin-
ishes and is pretty much gone. The
Use of my manufactures not only
creates a thirst, which tempts to the
use of intoxicating liquor, but it weak
ems the whole man, and creates a de-
mand for intoxicants. | yield the
palm to no other power in the cause.
l claim that | am twin devil with alco-
hol, his equal. These things being 80,
they are sufficient to convince every
power here assembled, that smoking,
chewing and shutting are like pillars of
adamant to our noble cause My do
mlnion is wide. Three hundred mil.
lion and more acknowledge my sway
l am the idol god of mighty rivers; the
Ganges, Danube, Mississippi and Con.
necticut are all mine. l exhaust the
fat valleys on their borders, and make
them tributary to your majesty 8 glori-
Gus cause. Here the cavern of hell
shook with applause Venerable com,
peers! you have been long in his males.
tvs service against the hated race of
man. | am comparatively young: for
less than three centuries ago | began
my work, and now l am we'll in.
trenched in the human race, emascu.
lating and demoralizing nations, and
laying kings and presidents at my feet.
l annually raise four million pounds
of my poisonous plant; | manufacture
four hundred billion cigars; l have
more than two thousand manufactures
of cigars, meerschaums, snuff, honey
dew, pig tail, negro head, and the like,
in America. In Europe | do business
on a broader scale. The human family
expend M thousand millions of dol.
lars and more in my service yearly
Il accomplish my work in n clandes
tine way-so much so as to elude the
keenest observation. l, effect sudden
deaths; | form cancers; l eat out
tongues: / affiict with dyspepsia, palsy,
insanity, and with diseases by the score.
keeping my victims blind as the owl at
MONDAY about my agency. l seal
their lips by inducing the belief that !
do no mischief. Noble peers, we devils
have no subjects which please us Sc
well as those who deny our agency,
and cnr ax;stanca