The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1894-09-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

SAoAAOiJ OAA OhO kASOA1AS'
Auntie-Never mind, grandma, if
you are sick. You'll outlive us all yet.
Grandma with a sigh)-I hope SO,
dear.-Jtdge.
He-Will you think of me when I'm
gomez She (yawning)-Yes, Mr.. Stay
late. if you viii give me an opportunity.
Harlem Life.
He Cn a spirit of investigation)- y
Why don't you marry? She (softly)-
Nobody ever asked me to. He-O.-
Detroit Free Press.
He-You are the one girl among
thousand She-I didnt suppose there
had been more than a dozen or So
Indianapolis Jos@nol
II saw very curious thing today"
"What was itp" "a woman driving a
nail with a hammer instead of with the
back of her best hair brush."-M Y.
Press:
Mrs. Jinks-I hate to get on a rail-
road train; so many people die that
way! Jinks-That's just the reason [
hate to go to bed; still more people die
that way!-Syracstse Post
They say Plungem's horse was well
backed in that race" at certainly
looked that way. The blamed skate
persisted in covering half the distance
wrong end "-Ba!fato Courier.
If people tell you that they have
secret, coax and plead with them to tell
it. That is what they expect you to do,
and silent course on your part win
not be approved.-Atcbiso1a Globe.
Husband-Did it ever occur to you
that the floor in front of your looking
glass is holy ground? Wife-No. Why
is itp Husband--Because it is the place
where you worship. -ArEGlasaa0 IrGU-
eler.
"I don't see, Chickabiddy," said the
bantam, "why you stand up for that
spring chicken. He's awfuIly rough.
You're not his mother" mo. but he's
one of my set," said Chiekabiddy.-
Judge.
bo, of stealing three chickens. Sambo
-Jedge, your honah, de man dat calls
dem old hens chickens" has a mighty
tough conscience to appear in COURT
I1asth.
'Newlywed seems to find particular
delight in parading his little family af-
fairs before the eyes of his acquaint-
ances." "Does hep What are theyp
ScandalsP" Mop; twins. "-Baxfdlo
Courier.
@These is terrible hard times" said
Meandering Mike. you bet they is"
replied Plodding Pete. "a feller can't
go nowhere loekin' fur work nowadays
without hevin' some offered him. y
Washington Star.
Il hear Charlie Wilkins engagement
to that Boston girl is off," Eyes. Char
lie made bad mistake. He wrote a
poem in which he made clematis rhyme
with tomatoes, and she threw him over"
-HGrpe1's BGzGr.
She-Mr. Ardent, if you insist upon
making love to me every time you call
/ must ask you to discontinue your vis-
it's. He-Only marry me, and I'll
never speak another word of love as
long as we Gve.-Ja1dge.
"Did you have good time on your
two weeks vacation?" said one young
man to another. q must have had,
was the wearily-spoken reply. II left
home with 5000 and [ haven't a cent
left. - Washington Star.
Miss Haverly-Uncle Ned has the
funniest way of speaking of my sisters
two little children. Mr. Austen-Howp
Miss Haverly-Well, their names are
Ebenezer and Florence. He calls them
Ebb and Flo of the Tied Vogue.
90, Harold" she murmured as she
clung to him, q have such a supreme
confidence in you that | would believe
you if you lied to me-" Darling" " he
exclaimed convulsively, "don't tempt
me that way. Detroit Free Press.
Mortuary jests at the expense of doc
tors will have no end. 1t is recorded
that one doctor lately asked another:
"How do you manage to get your bills
paidP" "Oh, generally have to sue
the heirs!" answered the second doctor.
P. A. Lette-What are you working
on nowP D'Auber- Painting fruit in
water colors. P. A. Lette-Good thing?
D'Auber = Tolerable. Get 25 cents
from fruit dealers for every watermelon
plug touched up red Washington
Times.
Mr.. Benjamin calling from Window
Likely! key! Vot for you standt
dere und let dot Yankee poy knock you
all to bieces for? Wy don'd you run
avayP Ikey-I cannot run away, mein
fader; | am standing on a nickel
Judge.
Old Grumpps that girl loves
you instead of your money? Son
Absolutely. Why, she actually keeps
count of the kisses / give her. Old
Grumpps-Hum! That's bad She
may keep it up after marriage.-N. Y
Weekly.
Mrs. Bickford (who has secreted sew
eral pills in the marmalade): "Now, let
mammals little girl run here and she
shall have some Jelly" Amoment later
little Ethel cried triumphantly: "Here,
mamma, is the seedsi Wasn't I good
girl not to swallow m?"-Puck.
People have no right to jump on us
in the manner they do" said the trust
magnate. "Ever since the trusts came
into play nearly everything controlled
by them has been reduced in price.
The only advance made, almost, is in
the prices of United States senators. -
Indianapolis Journal.
"More trouble ahead, I perceive, +" re-
marked the Cow, with signs of yexa-
ton. "Indeed," observed her daugh-
ter, inquiringly. "Yes, read that red
parasols are to be used again this sum-
1uOI anu L QOn hAOW WudG SAdn uO,
just recovering from nervous prostra-
ton as am. Cincinnati Tribune.
Little Johnny took my ban
ana Mother-Johnny! What do you
mean Little Johnny--It was all in
the game, mamma. I said, Lets play
Broadway" and she said, "All wight, !"
and so she got table for banana
stand, and then 1 was policeman and
walked past.-jStreet d Snadtb's Good
Nea0S.
"Do re rain come down from ze
clouds or up from re ground?" asked
the Frenchman. "Down from the
clouds, of course" answered the Amer
ican. what put the foolish idea into
your head that it came up from the
ground?" "I just hear one Of your
countrymen say he expect shower to
come up oon."-M T. Press.
"What about your parents consent,
Juliap" asked the youth. Mother fa-
vors you and father opposes you, an
swered the maiden: sthey have now re-