Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-11-25
DON'T "THROW D0G.'
The IdIer Roasts the Man Who "PutS
on Airs"
BRIEF SKETCH OF HOTEL LIFE.
A Tbroupb-Ticket on the Bili Of Fare
Geological Gardens In Bed-The
brownies Song.

As general thing I consider myself
a philanthropist, and hence / overlook
many evidences OF natural cussedness
which manifest themselves In my brother
Villains but there are some faults which
1 cannot condone. The man who puts
on airs" or. as some of my less select
friends express IL. the man who throws
dog" need seek no sympathy with me.
In my warm heart, where the thermome-
ter registers from 100 to 10 degrees In
the shade. he need never hope TO find a
place where he can settle himself. his
wife. and three children In peace and
comfort for the remainder OF his days.
Neither can such man ever hope, with
those faults which ] have mentioned, TO
enjoy the privilege OF casting himself on
my bosom, thereby receiving my sympa-
thy and driving my spiral shirt-buttons
into my craw. All these rights. privi-
leges, and immuntiss are debarred him.
My attitude towards him is one of digni-
fled scorn and cutting coldness similar TO
the position / assume towards the fellow
who wants TO borrow five dollars from
me. or even to my position towards the
chap who has refused TO lend me five.
Invariably such a man will find me with
a "get-thee-hence" expression on my
face. for / am as plain as an old shoe
as plain. in fact, as a very plain old
shoe-and / cannot stand airs. No, /
don't even like to stay In room where
there is a draft. Even though the gods
may have left the lingering touch OF their
mystic fingers in my facial beauty: nay,
even though they may have endowed me
with the wealth Of Croesus. yet none can
say that l throw dog" In all my walks
Of life / am an humble. ready-made-c cloth
ing citizen. with no pretensions, and with
still less TO justify them, unless men
dacity some day receives that recognition
which it SO richly deserves.
In my youthful days / was some
thing Of a globe-trotter, and many
foreign cline has breathed the sunshine
OF my countenance. but I have never
yet planted my tapering feet in a land
where l did not run across the man who
tried to put on airs. Somehow, they al
nAso SiHblt iiiI Oul illDSt SuSttDl-
ible victim, and proceed TO tell me things
which / couldn't believe even II they
emanated from the throttle OF a preacher.
The man who complains about hotels, and
pretends 10 be so scrupulous about the
service. and who never can be satisfied, is
the worst class of the "dog-throwjng"
nuisances whom ! have ever struck. The
extraction of his teeth would be but mid
punishment for him. From the way he
talks you would imagine that his whole
life had been one grand pot-pourri OF
terrapin-stew, quail on toast, and cham
pagne-punch. but when you come down
to facts. you can bet your last surviving
fve-cents that he was reared on bacon
and cabbage. and that. as a general thing,
molasses was about the sweetest thing he
ever got for dessert. For my part, i am
frank TO admit that the average hotel is
good enough for me. / settle myself down
a the table. hirt a Confederate dollar
note before the waiteTs eye. and then
proceed by taking a through-ticket on the
bill of fare from Station Consomme 10
that termnal-point technically known as
"Crackers-and- Cheese" There are no
stops on the road, and | regard the whole
menu as a corporate franchise for an
"internal-improvemen company. And
great are the internal Improvements"
when l have finished. The waiter, for his
part, gets just as much enjoyment out or
the Confederate note Ontil he goes TO
spend iO as he would from one OF my
avuncular parent Sans silver-certih-
Gates and so peace and happl-
ness reign everywhere-leastwise, 1t does
unless barred by Indigestion. As for the
apartments In which | couch my Tamrod
bones TO snoring slumber. I give not a
continental If they are only moderately
good. It makes no difference TO me II
my towels are not laundered Ike the
bosom Of my full-dress shirt. neither do
l kick like an artillery mule IL the mirror
in which | throw kisses at myself is
only by Il. AS ! once heard lady re-
mark. | settle into the arms OF 'mor-
phine" almost instantly, and ere many
minutes the cricket on the hearth has the
fi0or and my picture Is turned toward the
wall. Sometimes. it's true, i cast hasty
glance at the. sheets, in order TO prevent
myself from leaping unintroduced into a
geological garden. for rarely travel with
insect-powders ana never feel warlike
when | am abroad. And when ] go OF
into dreamland it's no use 10 send up
your card. or TO knock and expect that
the door shall be opened. for, my friend
Coleridge says:
80! sleep. It is gentle thing
Beloved from pole TO pole,
and would not like to 10 anything that
would create a contradiction to his state
ments
II. upon an examination OF my couch, l
find the siIllen coverlets bespangled with
insectiyorous accumulations, even as the
polka-dot cravat, | am nor the man to
raise Cain and to tear my whlskers In
abOminable wrath. or 10 earnestly eX-
press the wish that the hOtel-keeper may
forthwith land in a region which is char
acterized by its "blood-heat" tempera-
ture. l take things quietly, and resign
myself to circumstances. Calmly and
peacefully I stretch myself among the
flowers on the foor-carpet, and permitting
the reaches TO hold a post-mortem exami-
nation over my remains. l quickly drop
of into that great. infinite. and inexplca-
bic region known as Dreamland. Occa-
sionaily | chuckle with cOntentment In
my sleep, while the Brownies. who come
out to frisk among my recumbent hosiery
and TO play leap-frog with my shoes,
chant the following melody, written and
copyrighted especially for my benefit:
"Sleep on, baby, on the 1oor
Tired Of all the playing! (draw-poker. s
cent limit
Sleep with smile. the sweeter for
That. you dropped away in!
On your curls' full roundness stand
Golden lights serenely-
one check pushed out by the hand
Folds the dimple iny."
Yes. am easily satisfied at hotels. and
/ am universal pet ar all the hostelries,
for am so thoroughly appreciative
Especially at meal-time). and acknow-
ledge all favors so gracefully. The ele-
vator-boy dhe boy OF ups" and downs"
as George Trueman used TO say thinks
/ am lord, for / promise him half a
dollar. which. by the way, he never gets.
for when slip away 1 go down via the
stairway.
But not so with the man who throws
dog" Nothing can satisfy him, so he
alleges. Whether he goes TO the Wal
dorf in New York. the Auditorium In
Chicago. the Ponce de Leon in st. Au-
gustine. or to Wizards in Washington.
he groans and tears his hair. and swears
that the. service and fare are miserable.
The truth Of the matter Is that he only
gets a room at the hotels which he honors