Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1894-08-09
Let Us All Laugh.

The more people try to put down
liquor the more it seems to go to the
head Yonkers Statesman
POLICE JUSTICE whats your
business" Culprit "Machinist.
Police Justice-"What precinct?"-
Town Topics,
PEOPLE who thrust their private
sosrow upon the world by using
mourning envelopes should be ar
rested for blackmail. -Siftings.
PEOPLE who go to grand hotels
have much 10 put up with; and they
who ride in crowded street cars have
to stand a great deal.-Plcayune.
Ism Il 1t about time to answer that
letter of Uncle Johns from Squeen-
teecute Corners that he wrote you
last December? Philadelphia Call.
Tms marrying of rich American
helresses by foreign noblemen has
kind of longing for the dollar of the
daddies in il. -Phlladelphia Times.
BUB-"I hear they are going to
call his royal niblets Gotham, Jr"
Cub-"How's that?" Bub-"B Because
he's another new York. Boston
Herald.
HUSBAND livery late from the club)
Hum! | told you not to sit up for
me. Wife (sweetly)-I didn't. I got
up to see the sun rise. New York
Weekly,
awe have caught our defaulting
book-keeper," said one merchant to
another. "Then he is now spotted
adder" replied the latter -Pittsburg
Chronicle.
GUIDE--Now, you will have to be
careful. many a tourist has broken
his neck at this spot. Gent Ito his
wife)-Augusta, you go flrst,-Spare
Moments.
Mrs. PoWELL-I have such an in
dulgent husband! Mrs. Cameron
(spitefully)-Yes so Justin tells me;
but he sometimes INDUCES too much
doesn't he?-Fun.
TEACHER - "Detine 'unsophisti-
cated'" Bright Boy" Unsophisti-
Gated means boy wot thinks circus
season raises the price of lemons. -
Street and Smiths.
JILsoN says he thinks a good many
women are demanding the ballot with
the idea that they are going to get
curl-papers at the expense Of the
State Buffalo Courier.
THE first thing a man does when
he finds that counterfeit dollar has
been passed on him is to study out |
something to spend it for Immediate
ly.-Arkansaw Traveller
EFFIE Ito auntie, who has been
reading aloud stories from the Old |
Testament)-"Yes, auntie, its a very |
nice book but think it's more fit |
for boys. Pail Mall Gazette.
"How," writes distracted parent
to this office, shall l convince my
daughter that the young man she
goes with is a worthless rake?" Have
her marry him. -Atchison Globe.
This seems to be a genuine case of
buoyant spirits, remarked the wreck
or, as he hauled in the basket of
champaign which had foated to shore
from the sinking ship.-Buffalo COu-
rier.
"WHAT does Welsh rarebit look
Jike?" "On plate it is a symphony
in A gold, but when you are asleep
it is flve-eyed elephant with eight
feet, all planted on your chest. -
It'd Bits.
TRAMP entering taxjdermist's)-
"Do you stuff all kinds of animals
here?" Taxidermist--"Why, yes"
Tramp-"Well, wish you would
stuff me with good dinner "-Har-
pers Bazaar.
LITTLE ETHEL-"I wish I had
new doll" Mamma-"Your old doll
is as good as ever" Little Ethel
"Well, I'm just as good as ever, too,
but the angels gave you new baby"
Good News.
GIVE got cold or something in
my ead," was what the simple little
chappie said. The summer girl,
with roguishness demure, replied:
ooh, it must be a cold, I'm sure. -
Boston Journal
: Mrs. CAUDLE Gn the dead of night) |
John, I'm sure there's a burglar at
the front door" Mr.. Caudle Sleep
ily)-"That's all right; he can't get
in. You know the latch-key's in my
own pocketm-Truth.
"WHAT is the cause of the COM
motion in the house across the way?"
"The son Of the old gold-bug that
lives there has swallowed a 1O-cent
silver piece and the old man is nearly
wild about it."-Judge.
TUE free and unlimited coinage of
silver into ice cream and soda water
at the ratio of sixteen girls to one
man seems to be the popular policy
in this town about two hours after
dinner Washington News.
EvELYN-"Do you think Mr.. Blake
could be so base as to propose to me
for the sake of my money!" Phyllis
Heaven only knows. 1t is incred-
ible what necessity will sometimes
drive men to do. Brooklyn Life.
WE have noticed that though all
husbands insist it will be all right to
take friend up to dinner without
letting their wives know in advance,
they grow mighty absent-minded