Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1894-05-30
The jerks Motor.


place some days ago with a ma
chine which he called "The jerks
Motor" jerks said that it was the
most wonderful discovery of the
age. He said that the motive pow
er was nothing but water.
All you had to do was to pour
bucketful of water into the "re-
ceiver," and it was instantly de-
composed into gases; and then the
gases started the machine, which
jerks said would run from here to
China with half pint of water.
And jerks said his little idea in
coming to New Compton was to
give the people a chance to sub
scribe to some of the stock of the
Motor Company.
jerks said he knew he was throw
ing away his own chances by SELL
ing the stock; but he was a phil
anthropist, and he wanted to give
his fellow-men an opportunity to
go into a big thing. So he set the
machine up in building, so that
there would be no chance for fraud,
and we all went round to see it
work.
First he poured some water into
the receiver, then he churned it up
with kind of revolving paddle,
then he opened valves and stamped
on the floor, and the crank began
to revolve with great rapidity.
We all thought it was wonder
full, and jerks said that words did
not express the idea in full. We
examined the machine, and saw that
there was neither fire nor chemicals
about it, nor any smell of gas; and
jerks said that he must now con-
fess that it was just about the
grandest achievement Of the human
intellect. DIR. Potts was about to
admit the fact when the crank
showed up and we heard vehe-
ment:
"At-schew"
Apparently the sound came
from beneath the floor. 1t sound
ed like a man sneezing, but jerks
said it was merely violent expul-
sion of gas from the cylinder, and
as the crank went ahead again rap
idly we all thought it must be
right. A minute later we heard
another:
"Ah-ah-ah-tschew-w-ww
And the machine stopped until it
was over. DR.. Potts began to look
cross-eyed at jerks, as if he sus-
pected something; but jerks said it
was one of the peculiar properties
of these decomposed gases to push
out of the cylinder with violent
kissing sound, and although he had
tried to prevent it, he found it to be
impossible. Then the machine
went on again swiftly, and jerks
was just directing our attention to
the pressure gauge, which stood at
six hundred pounds to the square
inch, when the machine came to
dead stop, and we heard evidently
in the cellar:
"Ah-ah-ah-tschew-ew-ew. Be-
gorra, but I'll sneeze the head off
of me, eff keep on"
Then the crank began to revolve
again, and jerks, getting very red
in the face, said Indignantly:
(which ofyou gentlemen has been
playing trick on me by practising
ventriloquismp 1t isn't fair"
Before anybody could answer we
heard another terrific sneeze in the
cellar, accompanied with an ex-
clamation:
"Mother of Moses, but it bates
anything down yer for ketching
cowldw
The machine came to dead halt,
and presently square yard of the
floor began to bulge up. Directly
a human head appeared through
the opening, and an Irishman crawl
ed out into the room. jerks look
ed ready to faint, and the man,
getting up and brushing the cob
webs off his hat, said:
"Mr. jerks! it's myself that's
just tired of turning that crank
4
down there in that dark hole. The
rats is nibblin' me legs, and it's so
damp that I'm ketchin' me death O.
cowld. I'm goin' to give up the
job"
While he was speaking, DR.. Potts
discovered a fine wire running
from the crank to the cellar, and
hidden by the machinery. jerks
turned white, and stammered out:
"This is painful, gentlemen
very painful. But the fact is Ill
hadn't quite got my receiver into
| work;no ordar on1 xvoutad-