Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1894-11-16

business transaction, utterly devoid Of
any other significance than that the
Japanese soldiers have contracted the
eating habit to q considerable degree,
but to me, it comes as %premonition of
a hard winter for the Chinese, and moth
ing short Of scalping for Ii Hung
Chang, who has already been robbed OF
several Of his favorite features, and a
large section of skin from the region of
the back. As soon as the Armour beef
arrives in Japan, I look for the rivers
and streams of the two countries to flow
crimson with Chinese blood, and If MI.
Armour puts in the beef to the Japanese
purchasing agency at five al for one
dollar, the 100000 worth of the best
portends the slaughter of $4,000 of
the Chinese population, following out
my ideas as to the destructive efficacy of
the beef by a few simple arithmetical
processes. OF course, I may have rated
the beef too highly, and Mr.. Armour may
conclude to adulterate it with a share of
picked steer horns and minced hoofs,
in which case my calculations might
vary up to a million. But if MI.
Armour does the square thing by the
Japs, and puts IN a good brand of beef,
l would counsel an immediate treaty of
peace by the Chinese government.
Ii 1t is a fact, as reported, that the
Diamond Match Company is to establish
the largest factory in the world at Liv-
erpool, England, I hope sincerely that
the great wisdom Of the abolition of the
b~lue-headed, vile-smelling, cold-molasses
variety of the match family may be
brought to their favorable attention.
The slow-fire match which is still used
in many of the outlying districts in this
state, is one of the most fatal weapons
in existence at short range, and many
people who are kind, Christian citizens
in every way, will occupy lower berths
in the great hereafter, solely through
the enforced usage of this brand of
matches. The delicate perfume which
escapes from the match under consider
alton, when in course of active operation,
is responsible for many and serious tenn
porary suspensions of propriety in the
research of the unpublished part of the
American vocabulary for some series of
expressions to fit the occasion, and one
or two persons of my own acquaintance,
who were not even conversant with the
fashionable swear-words of our day,
have become post-graduates IN the art,
through the neutrality-suspicious. of the
glue-factory match. I cannot see why
all the odoriferous properties of asa
fetida, decayed eggs, eoured mucilage
d~ecomposed cabbage and WORKOUT sauer-
krant should be combined in the pro-
duction of a match for a civilized and
innocent people, nor can I imagine why
it should be necessary to nurse one of
these denominations from supper time to
10 o'clock in order to secure a sufficient
blaze for the ignition of a night-Iamp.
In the search for the grosser evils, our
reformers are all too apt to overlook the
minor causes, and l desire to announce
right here that one of the most prolific
sources of profanity, vexation of spirit
and the attendant tearing down of the
moral tissues, is the ox.team match,
which continues to harass us, in all this
fn-de.siecle period.
Hardly have the echoes of the election
died away when the luxuriantly and lus-
ciously b%ewhiskered senator from Kan
sas, whose escape from political burial
was due solely to the fact that he wasn't
running for anything, erupts and emits
a column or SO Of literary lava, in which
he dilates upon the brilliant future
which is in store for the populist party.
To those persons who have followed out
the public career Of Mr.. PETER since he
broke into the United States senate, it
will be unnecessary for me to explain
Mr.. PETERS u%tterances. To those who
are not familiar with the idiocies and
AAAO0y hOhoS1Oo VI u uuSAdVOu UuulUl6.
weed who was blown into congress by
an accidental gust Of political wind, let
me state that Mr.. PETERS outbreak is
due altogether to the excessive affection
of Mr.. PETER for the melody Of his own
voice. The tongue of the Kansas SEN
ator is one of the nearest approaches to
perpetual motion which exists IN nature,
having run continuously for the A6ve
years last past, and it's activity as yet
displays no indications whatever of i'm
pairment. The greater portion of the
spoken product Of the incessant opera
ton Of Mr.. PETERS speaking apparatus
is addressed to himself, owing to the de-
Hands Off.