Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1894-12-16
LIVED BY His WITS.
A NAN WHOSE FUNCTION IT is TO TEACH
NOWOES WORLDLY WISDOM.
lis Tricks and bis MannEs-HOw Ono Of
Him Managed To Get a Drink Ons Day.

"He lives by his wits" Doubtless
| Won have seen him. Perhaps, unhap-
/ ply, you have become acquainted with
/ one of him. He is most remarkable
/ fellow, with such fertility of resources
| of an illegitimats nature that Superin-
/ tsndent Byrnes himself says he is often
/ lost 10 admirasiOn of the willy schemes
be devises and perpetrates for the sake
/ Of a dollar. The Superintendent is quite
/ sure that most OF the men who make
1 living by their wits could have accumu-
/ lated a comfortable competence II they
/ had put these wits to legitimate uses.
/ II their number could be computed
| (which is manifestly impossiOle), the
ugure would surprise everybody
] This sharp fellow is often we'll ednca-
ted. His age runs from 25 10 IS. de is
not hardened enough before he Is %,
/ and he usually gets in jail or dies from
/ dissipation before he passes As, although
you occasionally see a gray haired old
/ fellow with a Waxed mustache and
shabby gsnteel clothes parading Broad
/ way who has not made dollar honestly
for a score OF years.
/ UThe baggage Of q man who lives oy
/ his wits sometimes consists OF collar
/ aud a pair Of cuffs, again OF a trunk
/ and two or three travelling bags. His
| life is one Of ups aud downs. Seldom
| he knows how he will be able 70 get his
meals tomorrow; vet he is not worried.
/ His class begins Just above the man who
/ follows you for the "loan" OF quarter
| "to help fellow out OF work." and
] ~ -,
promoter OF enterprises, hardly called
| legitimate by business men OF good
standing.
The good lady who keeps the fur
nished room house and the boarding
/ house keeper aud the small restaurant
| keeper are better acquainted with the
! Man OF His Wits, who must sleep and
I eat, than any. one else. New restaurants
\ are started aud old ones are going out
1 Of business constantly, while ladies who
/ are without means, bat who have seen
/ better days are forever venturing 10 the
\ furnished room and boarding house
\ business. These noviceS all have TO
| learn their lessons, aud the Man Of bis
/ Wits acts as teacher. The Man Of His
/ Wits can always talk we'll. lie can
/ almost turn q piece Of blank paper into
/ a bank note by talking TO It. He goes
/ TO the lady of the house at the end Of
/ the first week and tells her that he is in
an awkward embarrassment He has
money coming-three or four or FIVE
hundred dollars, or maybe five
/ thousand. That front parlor of
hers! He sees that il is vacant. 1t is
\ lust what he will want. He will lease IL
] a hn - Ia
matters Strengthened out a little. He
\ stays for two months. One day, when
the lady at last sees that he is fraud,
| be departs quietly with his small
satchel. Ia the meantime be has in
tsrested number Of the landlady's
| guests In his affairs to their financial
/ loss.
In the same way he bluffs the restau'
\ rant keeper. when he rms big bill
\ aud the restaurant keeper sees 20 wis
I dom in throwing good money after bad,
| hecalls quits. The Man of His Wits Is
indignant, then grateful and assures
/ boniiace that just as soon rs his money
comes the account'wil be paid.
The man OF bis wits is invariably
/ good natured and gentiemanly, after his
style. THAT is why the restaurant
/ keeper and the lady OF the furnished
! room house never have him arrested.
7 The latter particularly would dread any
notoriety, aud you may go the length
and breadth of the town and you will
not 6nd one OF her Class-Or a boarding
house keeper. either--who has not been
I aesced by a Man Of His Wits.
When a Man 90 HIS Wits wants any
I thing be usually gets it. To illustrate:
I one found himself thirsty one day with
Y 20 money 10 pocket lie seized a trav-
cling bag cut OF The hand OF a man who
I was passing saloon and dartcd inside
Y before the victim recovered from his
I astonishment The victim followed the
Y Man OF His Wits. who was standing BY
i che bar, q rsdiaat smile upon his Ease,
I Stimulating int0Elcati0n.
'Thatch all right" he murmured.
I "You don't get your bag tiil you
drinksch wish me-"
The man WAS good natured, and so
I HUNDRED him.
The Man OF His Wits hunted through
all bis pockets he was aghaSt 10 find
/ that he hadn't cent Good natursi
man paid, Of course, rather than have
I fuss. Man OF dis Wits insisted upon
\ knowing mama and address Of good
natured man so be could send him the
\ twenty cents. Man OF His Wits got II,
called aud paid money. But when good
natured man finally settled up accounts
I Man Of His Wits owed him twenty dol
I lars.
/ Here is another scheme played by
one Of the brethren. He rented a par
! Tor for year in Thirty-ifth street
! house ore MOLGay morning and hung
out silVer-plated doctors sign in the
/ afternoon. saying that his baggage
would arrive Immediately. Then he
/ went 70 sll sorts Of tradesmen, from sta
| toner TO shoe dealer, and ordered
large bin of goods from each, TO be
/ sent 70 the house at o'clock, payment
/ on receipt. Tradesmen discovered next
/ day that their messengers had been
paid with bogus checks, The new
| doctor had departed early on the pre-
viouS evening. II was q desperate
| scallaWag who did this, ana he was
/ bound to land in jail in a short time If
/ be kept up transactions Of this nature.
The Man OF His Wits always has some
| big scheme in his head which is bound
/ 20 turn him over a million as soon as il
/ is working nicely. He always has q
very rich father and rich relatives in aN
distant State. He is always on the outs
with this very rich father, old, and soon
% die and leave him his property; but
Rther Is just getting good hum0red
aln and In a Few mon hs he WI stand
:" with Pop" once more. Then