The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1894-09-22
TOO MANY COLONIES.
North Dakota 1s Being Overrun
with Them.
Like the Festive Grasshopper, They Null
tiply and Swarm Over tho
St1to-No Privates Are
Among Them.

Colonies are getting to be nearly as
great nuisance as the Russian cactus,
says the Fargo Argus. They are null
tiplying and increasing with danger
GUS rapidity. You can scarcely throw
stone at dog without running the
risk of accidentally hitting colonel.
Colonies in mutt, which may be broad
cloth or corduroy, in stable frocks or
barkeepers' aprons, taking orders for
books or rubber stamps or selling pat.
ent medicines or plasters, are as COM
OF as new theories of government in a
populist mass-meeting. 1t was once
proposed to raise regiment composed
entirely of colonies. The troubles now
adays would be not to get the regiment,
but to select from enough applicants for
au army corps. Fargo alone could prob
ably furnish more colonies than there
are in the active list of the army-and
some of Fargo's colonies are men who
really have served in the army, which
distinguishes them from the colonies
Of most communities. The "captain,"
the ledge" and the ''major" are not
to be mentioned in the same day with
the colonies. These old relics of south
ern barroo1ns are vastly in the minor
ity, and the day of the colonels is at
hand.
Like the lilies of Egypt they throng;
like the grasshoppers of Missouri they
congregate. From every station in
life, from every profession, of every
age and condition, there are colonies
to the right and left, colonies ad lib
itun and ad nauseam. From whence
this great aggregation of colonelistic
talent? Where have been bred the
eagles that have swooped down and
roasted upon all these shoulders? Some
of them were infants in arms when the
late war closed, some of them were
manipulators of hotel registers and
concocters Of the Initiating cocktail
while the war ragged, and some have
been tenders of equestrian steeds since
they have been high enough to reach a
stirrup. How come these to be dubbed
''coIonel?"
Faithful and persistent inquiry
among the colonies themselves throws
little light upon the subject. Some
cannot claim anything better than
that their wives people kept hotel
where the soldiers boarded. They do
not claim, even, that they themselves
kept the hotels. There would seem to
i be shadow of reason why the ma
jestic creature, in clean, starched
shirt and Alaskan diamond pin, look
ing compiacently to heaven as he
f; balances a toothpicls with his lips and
thrusts penholder at guest, should
! be called by high-sounding military
title, but to dub a man colonel only be-
cause his -inlaw's brother kept
boarding house seems to be strain
ing point. Another colonel, when
asked as to his command, hemn1ed e.
little, put On a frown, supposed to be
! fierce, pulled his shirt collar little
| higher, and replied that he had for
gotten the number of his regiment.
cit was SO long ago, you know, and
have always had a bad head for fig
| ures" Another explained that hav-
ing formed q partnership with a major,
who was a junior in concern, it be-
came necessary, as a matter OF disci-
pline to the help, that he should rank
his partner. The fact remains, how
ever, that the colonels are overrunning
the earth and consuming the substance
thereof Privates are as scarce as the
teeth Of hens. Most unnilitary people
think that corporal is She higher OFF,
Ger, and whoever hears of sergeant?
There is a general impression abroad
that 3; colonel has something to do
with horses-something between far
rier and a veterinary surgeon--and the
real colonies, the few who really bore
Uncle Sans commission as such, are
without honor in the country where
mock colonels constitute majority of
the male population over the age of
twenty.
a PETR!FiED WOMAN.