The record-union., 1894-03-01
DID NOT WORK
How Mr.. Bolfver Failed TO Deceive
His Wife.

His Wife.
Most men who drink are not unduly
pulled up with pride in their habit. They
particularly do not boast OF 1t IN their
families. They try every plan Imaginable
to conceal their muddled condition when
they go home. And they only go nome
when tipsv because they fancy they are
not so full but they can easily deceive
those who would be likely TO criticise
them. They feel that If they were TO stay
away from home on account OF their be-
fuddled condition their relatives would at
once Jump to the cOnclusian that they had
been drinking; whereas, If they go nome
and pretend to be sober the truth would
never be suspected.
Time and again had Mr.. Boliver drank
beyond the point of prudence. and had
gone home fully prepared with plan
which would convince his wife that he
had not touched a drop, and time and
again had he seen the scheme fail lnlser-
ably. let he could not but hope that the
next time be would deceive her. Such is
the vanity of the drinking man.
This afternoon he had met a number of
the pleasantest fellows, and they had been
especially good to him. so much so that
he had yielded to temptation, and had
drank himself into the condition where
his legs felt numb and full Of dull
pleasure as he walked along TO his car.
And how would he act 10 beguile the
wife of his sorrows? She had been tried
on all the usual tacks, and had seen
through each one of them. lie sat
there IN the cable car and puzzled his
brain.
Finally accident brought him the solu
ton. Just across from him sat man
whose hands were dirty.
''Pll wash my hands when l go home"
said Mr.. BOliver, proudly, to himself.
IN 0 drunken man ever washed his hands.
1t will be a sure thing. She will never
suspect me-"
SO he went cheerily on home, opened
the door with a gala air, spoke 70 his wife,
whom he beheld at a distance through the
rooms and then, because she was some
what in the way, went through the house,
through the kitchen and into the little
rear room which contained the sink and
hydrant, and there he set about washing
his hands.
Without looking about he was con-
scious that his wife was following him,
and he believed she was watching him.
He must play the hand-washing scheme
for all it was worth. He picked up a
square block which he found in the soap
cup and scrubbed away on his hands,
dOusing them into the basin and rubbing
with a suspicious energy.
The cook came TO the door of the little
room, looked about a moment and then
stood still, waiting. She had carving
knife in her hand and look OF amused
surprise on her face. His wife drilted
past the door and looked in on him.
Then she stopped and stood there too.
He scrubbed away more industriously.
The thing was working tirst-rate. They
had both seen his tidy act, and both must
be impressed with his sobriety no less
than with his cleanliness. He was very
proud of himself.
But they waited there altogether too
long. lie wished after a bit they would
go away. But they didn't. Then he
looked up and ked his wife if there was
anything she wanted.
NO, nothing that I want" said the
good woman. sweetly. But when you
get through with that milestone give it to
Mary. She wants to sharpen the carving
knife"
And then he saw what he had been
using in the place Of soap. SO he threw
up both hands, admitted in pantomime
that she had caught him again and went
straight to bed. Chicago Herald