Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-08-09

VI anu
About twenty other clubites stood
round and grunted approval.
Anger and gloom were the dominant
principles OF that smoke-room.
Your wife gone over? oh. no. OF
course. you haven't got Wife" said
Jenkinson 10 young Fiabtree.
mo; and whats more. I'm not likely
to have one now. My best girls gone
over to New York-for three years. she
thinks Hanged II know how she can
be improved by that fool OF college
for that's where she's Off to, you bet.
Her fringe keeps frizzy in wet weather.
and she has a little dlmpie each
side Of her nose; so what more can she
wantr'
"An my best girls have gone" said
poor young Grownder, sinking into n set
tee. and covering his face with his hands.
1t was the same sad story at every
club you entered: bereaved married men
and deserted bachelors stood moplngly
on the hearth-rugs or Topped In limp de-
spalp on the big chairs. Every day the
papers had been filed with advertise
ments and "pars," and articles about the
College OF Beauty; flaring posters. with
pictures of a lady. before and after a
course of the college, covered London
The before lady had wild, red hair, a
pug nose. a heavy squint, one immense
front tooth, lips like a negro's. and the
figure OF a sack of potatoes; the after
lady-sIIpposed to be the same person
had a Grecian nose. great Dlue eyes,
wavy brown hair. and an ideal figure.
EVER day the crisis became more grave;
the great transatlantic lines had hired
extra ships to I'LL with ladies' proceeding
to New York; it had been made worth
the while" of several eminent london
nf q
York" The sight of lady in London
streets was becoming more and more
rare Men in a hopeless state OF de-
lection, even of melancholy insanity, roved
aimlessly about the pavements. the
cub-houses had TO hire extra accommo-
dation for men whose homes, berett OF
the feminine element, had become lOath-
some and abhorrent TO them.
Beautiful suburban villas were lete de-
serted. the dust growing visibly upon the
furniture: domestic life among the upper
and middle classes had ceased 70 'NlS''
The milliners' shops were closed; shput-
ban tradesmen were becoming bankrupt,
feminine parts at the theatre were played
by Youths. as in old times, while the
stalls and dress circle presented an I'M
broken line OF wretched men, clad IN
tweed suits. dressing gowns-anything:
So demoraiized does man become the in
slant the refining influence Of woman Is
withdrawn
There was another board meeting OF
the spinsters at Miss Cloots. The num-
Der was reduced by two recalcitfahts, VINO
had been unable TO resist the New YORK
fever and had deserted the ranks.
Idiots :" said Miss Cloot.
Miss Cloot rose az the head OF the
table and said:
Ladies, I need hardly tell you that
the operations Of our society has been
and are, complete success In the
course Of another week there VIII not De
q woman Of any position, except our
selves. in the Metropolitan area. Our
secretary, Miss McSwinger, will read 10
YOU the numbers OF embarkatons Tor
New York for the week ending yesterday:
and Miss Georgiana V. Nickerbocker. our
New York factotum, Is now present
among Us. and will set before YOU the
statistics OF the hiring and fitting OF new
annexes Of the College Of Beauty, whieh
at present accommodates 4.I00,VO ana odd
ladies.
YOU will recall TO mind how, at our
first and preliminary meeting, ] SAID 10
you: What I have 10 say Is, that II this
college of beauty. set forth In this news
paper-CuffinE does not exist why, IL Stihh
exist: and we will create it, Whether
the original ever did exist do not know.
but ours does Ladies, 1t was an idea
such as has seldom occurred to woman
sine. the beginning Of time. You came
wisely forward and threw in your money
with mine to set this great work on foot;
our money has now gone: but. by reason
OF the term-fees paid by the pupils the
college Is now entirely self-supporting.
Now. ladies' is your TING, All the
rrettv women have gone to New York:
every month a certain number OF men OF
this vast metropolis suddenly decide TO
marry: for the last five months the de-
elders have lacked the item Indispensable
10 the CARRYING out OF their object--a
woman to marry. The domestic arrange
rnent which they calculated upon. and
had prepared for, in many cases even 10
the laying in of japanese fans. scent
cases. hanging wardrobes, and other
articles Of furniture, has been hopelessly
postponed.
.'rhe aggregate Of outstanding matri-
monlal decisions has, owing to the az
sence of a helpmate to join the board
after allotment. become enormous.
Ladies, those men must marry some
one. or the scent cases and wardrobes
will lose their freshness: and they must
marry u.s. or none. 1t may surprise You
when | say that they will prefer evG
YOU TO none: but you will find 1t so.
Ladies'" she continued I'VE have tri-
umphed, Do you hear the murmur with
out-the murmur of multitudes ike the
ocean, II is the men, They know that
eleven eligible spinsters-not 10 speak OF
our excellent factotum, Miss McSwinBer-
ar. assembled in this room. Look"
1,,,I afss4ft " n
dow curtains she threw them back
without. the whole square and adjacent
streets were packed with a surging mass
Of stoye-plpe hats.
As the curtains separated there arose
n vast and deafening shout, while lO'"V
hands simultaneously held aloft p'o"O
wedding rings.
Miss Cloot opened the window and step
ped ont upon the balcony.
"Gentlemen," she said, Il must en-
treat you to be patient. and ma htail
order IL is impossible for US 10 accep'
an of YOU: | regret to inform you that
twelve only amid your vast ana liapos-
ing throng eau be made happy. III you
will dis,erse in an orderly way. you can
oh,aln offer of marriage forms, which J
VIII ask you TO Gil up with particulars
az your stations In life incomes. charac-
,ers and other details. 1 nave made ar
rangements so that the forms can De oo-
tained of any respectable chemist. oooA'
seller. tobacconist. or house agent. or al
The army and navy or civil service stores
"Au applications Will be considered
| and the acceptations printed IN the
Times pink 'l'n. Matrimonial News
| ana Exchange and Mart
II will now entreat you to uSpets'
quietly. without any deInohs'ra'i'"
| Good day. ,,,.,,,,,
Three weeks from that time inc WV
spnsters were married at -. Heorg' >
| Miss Goo, had accepted duke. sever
| other ladies' earls. one a wea thy brewer
two nil millionsires. and the remain, ~
| one a poet laureate. some ume arc
| the ladies began, to return from Ne"
| york. whether they are any ioveHer'
| cannot saw. Can woman be lovelier t'a'
| she Is? Never mind; l don't want -
| ries of letters about H.
| At any rate those twelve ha'eS n'a ma
| ried al st. Georges are al very, w.
| hanrv. which shows that. although peau''
| and goodness are inesiimable giits' WI"
| are worth having.
EXPERIENCES IN AN ARSENIC MINE
| H., p.i,y C,utious the Miners Arc NJ