The record-union., 1894-02-02

pints of what, I'd love to know? Ii it
wuz a good pint of sweetened vinegar
and ginger, Pd fall in with the idee.'
Sez l.. Keep still, Josiah; they're
a-lookin' at you.''
Wall, let 'em look" sez he, out loud
and defiant.
"Consomme of chicken la princess
what do we want of PrincesSes here. or
Queens, or Dukesses-we want sunthin'
TO eal! Devilish crabs-do you want some,
Samantha?"
l looked over his shoulder in wild
horror at them awful words, and then |
whispered, "Deviled crabs-and do you
keep still, Josiah Allen; Fd ruther
not have anythin' to eat at all than to have
you act so-it hain't devilish."
W all, what is the difference ?'' he seZ,
out loud and strong; ''devilish or bedev-
lied. they both mean the same"
And it is true, too-too true; they are
all bedeviled," sez he, gloomily eyin' the
bill.
l allus hated crabs from the time they
used TO fasten to my bare toes down in
the old swimmin' hole in the creek.
wall, you don't want any bedeviIed
crabs, do your"
NO." sez l, family; for | wuz morti-
fed enough to sink through the floor if
there had been any sinkin' place, and
whispered, "Pd rather 60 without any
dinner at all than to have you act So"
"Oh, no." sez he, loud and positive,
you don't want to go without your dim
ner; you want to be fashionable and cut
style-you want to make Il show"
"Wel," sez |, faint as cat, II am apt
to get my wish"
% or three men looked up and laughed,
and one girl snickered. beside some other
Wlmmen.
Saz 7 +,upcbip, him, sno no ctiI1 aDd
less go to our old place.
'Oh, no." sez he, speaking up to the
top of his voice, don't less leave; here is
such variety ~
Potatoes SURPRISE" sez he; sit must
be that they are mealy and cooked decent;
that would be about as much of a sur
prise as l could have about potatoes here,
to have 'em billed fit to eat; we'll have
some of them, anyway.
"Philadelphia caperin'-I didn't know
that Philadelphia caperin' wuZ any bet
ter than Chicago a-caperin' or New York
a-caperln'. Veal O just! l guess If had
been kicked by calves as much as [ have,
he wouldn't talk so much about their
Christian habits.
Leg Of mutton with caper sass-wall,
it is natural for sheep to caper and act
sassy, and it is nobody's bizness.
supreme pinted bogardus-what in
euuAueI Is LHdt oupToul6- wall, F0
hearn of supreme ijiOt, and | believe
that BOgardus is his name.
''Terrapin a-layin' on Maryland-I
never knew that terrapin wuz hen be-
fore, and why is it any better to lay on
Maryland than anywhere else? Mebby
eggs are higher there; wall, Maryland
hain't much TOO big for good sized hens
nest, nor Rhode Island neither
Josiah Allen," 1 whispered, deep and
solemn, iii you don't stop l will part
with you"
Folks wuz in a full snicker and giggle
by this time.
"Oh, no." sez he, loud and strong. ''you
don't want to part with me till [ git you
fashionable dinner, and we both cut
style.
'Tenderloin of beef a-teryin' on''-a-
tryin' on what, I'd love to know ?-style,
most probable, this is such stylish
place.
''Will you be still, Josiah Allen ?n sez
l, a-layin' holt of his vest.
mo, 1 won't; l am tryin' to put on
style, Samantha, and buy you sunthin'
stylish to eat.'
wall, you needn't" sez I; 81 have lost
my appetite"
siberian Punch! Let him come on"
sez Josiah; ''if / can't use my fists equal
10 any dunn Siberian that ever trod shoe
I6dln0r, lD6u LII give H.
Then three wimmen giggled, and the
walters began to look mad and troubled.
English Grifes-wall, shouldn't have
thought they would have tried that agin.
"No, trifies," seZ he, a-lookln' closer at it.
English trifies lions tails and coro-
nets, mebby-English tritles and tutty
frutty. Do have some tutty-truLty, Sa-
mantha; it has such stylish sound to it,
so different from good pork and beans
and roast beef; l believe you would en-
joy it dearly.
Waiter" sez he, "bring on some tutty-
frutty to once"
The waiter approached cautiously, and
made motion to me, and touched his
forehead.
He thought he wuz crazy, and he whis-
pered to me, rs it caused by drinkin'?
or is it material and come on sudden ?'
Josiah heard it, and answered out loud,
ut wuZ caused 10y style, by bein' fash
ionable; my only aim has been to git my
wife fashionable dinner, but l see 1t has
overcome her,"
The waiter was good-hearted-lookin
mana kind heart beat below that white
necktie considerable below it on the left
side, and sez he to me:
"Shall | bring you a dinner, Nom,
without takin' the order?'
And l replied gratefully:
eS, so 90, =" ana so he Drung 1t,
good enough dinner for anybody-good
roast beet and potatoes, and lemon pie,
and tea, and Josiah eat harty, and had to
quiet down some, though be kept a.
mournin' all through the meal about its
not bein' carried on fashionable and
stylish, and that it wuz my dOin's a.
breakin' it up. etc.. and the last thing a.
wantin' tutty-frutty, and etc.
And paid for the meal out Of my own
pocket; the waiter thought / had to on
account of my companions luny state,
and he gin the bill to me.
And Josiah a-chucklin' over it.. as l
could see, for savin' his money.
And | got him out OF that place as quick
as could, the bystanders, or ruther the
bysetters, a-laughin' or a-lookin' pitiful
at me, as their naturS differed.
And as we wended off down the broad
path on the outside, l sez: ''You have
disgraced us forever in the eyes of the
nation, Josiah Allen"
And he sez: "N hat have I done? You
can't throw it in my face, Samantha, that
| hain't tried to cut style-that didn't
try to cit you a stylish meal"
[ wouldn't say a word further to him.
and l never spoke once TO him that night
not once, only in the night | thought
there wus a mouse i'll the room, and l
forgot myself, and called on him for help.
And for three days didn't pass nothin'
but the compliments with him: he felt
bad-he Worships me. He did it all to
keep me from goin' to costly place.
know what his motives wuz-but he had
mortified me too deep.-From Samantha
at the Worlds Fair by Josiah Allen
Wife.
Mans Inhumaniry to Himself
The most inhuman outrages, outrages