Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1894-12-14
HERE and r.

HERE IND THERE.
While there are some polished liars
in the business of writing patent medi-
cine advertisements, and furnishing tes-
tlmonlals for preparations which are in
daily use throughout the country, yet it
looks to me as though there were yet a
broad province for the achievement OF
fame and fortune in this line. There is a
sort of sameness in the testimonials which
are having the heaviest run in the news
papers of today, which is monotonous,
and they lack the elements Of the sensa-
tional and outre, which are so essential
to popular favor. The trouble with the
class OF prevaricators who have monopo-
lized the advertising business is that
they have fallen into q sort of rutty,
monotonous fashion of lying which is be-
ginning to tire the public eye, and it is
imperative that some gifted liar, of tire
less activity and undeniable originality,
shall enter the arena and set a new pace.
Under these circumstances, I have con-
Guided to set a few examples, in the
hope that they may be of value. Let us
suppose the proprietors of some spectacle
hrm or eyewater company seek some
means to catch the public eye. Some
simple testimonial like the following,
would answer the purpose, and sell for a
large sum-:
THE NE Plus ULTRA SPECTACLE AND
EYEwATER Observation-Disclosures: -Four
years ago L lost my right eye in a sawmill
explosion, and although the doctors sup
piled me with a glass one, it has never been
as satisfactory for seeing purposes as the
one [ lost. Three weeks ago, however, [
began using your Diamond Eyewater, and
today the glass eye is far superior to the
other one, and | nave made arrangements
ito let it out nights to our local bank, to de-
tect counterfeit money with. My brother,
who up to a month ago was unable to I'M
'derstand n word OF English, secured a
pair of your Leader spectacles, upon the
advice Of a friend, and he now reads and
speaks English as fuently as any member
of the state legislature. Yours, elc.
This style OF prevarication, which I
have designated the brilliant, is bound
to tell, and to have it's effect upon the
masses. But should some health tonic
tirm desire a more modest testimonial,
one which savored more greatly of the
truth, there is the ambiguous style, as
follows:
Two days ago Pa was taken suddenly
with a violent attack of rheumatism of the
heart. He took two bottles of your Infalli-
BILE Health Tonic, and he is now beyond
any need of medicine.
This style is quite fascinating, leaving
the reader, as it does, to speculate as to
whether pa recovered, or went to swell
the angel throng in the sweet. bye-and-
bye. In the same strain, a soothing
syrup testimonial might read as follows:
Baby was restless at night for many
weeks, crying nearly the entire time. One
tablespoonful of your soothing potion
quoted him e%ffectually, however, and he
now sleeps peacefully in the new church
cemetery, never having cried once after
taking your valued remedy.
This latter style is so unique in it's
plot, and so bizarre and weird in general
outline, that it would be sure to take.
But there is still another kind, la Rider
Haggard, as follows:
Our lawn remained short and unsightly
for two months, until it was s%prinkled with
two bottles of your Speedy Hair Rest0rer.
[ am now cutting enough hay out of the
front yard to winter 1926 head of cattle. 1
am also treating a worn and somewhat
NANCY buffalo coat with your superior hair
oil, and in a few days it will be as good as
new. One of our Jersey COWS, who ate
from the lawn while the. hair restorer was
still somewhat damp, now has a full beard.
! take pleasure in recommending your
remedy, etc.
Another taking novelty might be
prepared as follows:
The rat poison which l purchased of you
four weeks ago is the most effective ever
seen in the neighborhOod. But half a pack
age of it was used, and three of my own
children, together with seven of the neigh
bOrs' boys, will probably recover, with
careful nursing. Had the whole package
been used / have no doubt the entire neigh
borh0od would have been childIess.
The varieties of testimonials which I
might suggest are almost endless, but
these will serve to show what great pos
sibilities exist in this line Of work. And
there are a great many campaign ora
tors, who are just now out Of employment,
whose talents might be proftably turned
in this direction. I am a feeble prevari-
Gator, myself, and do not feel equal to
the task, but il the suggestions above