The Yakima herald. [volume] (North Yakima, W.T. [Wash.]) 1889-1914, 1894-06-28
RHVERIES OF A SMOKER
Terrible Effect Of The Tobacco Habit
on 4 Brass Honkey.
An EDUCATIONAL PADRE APES REPoRn
Baiwer Lytten says 1.-THE Man
whe Smokes Thinks Like q sage
and Acts Like n samaxitan," and
His Opinien IL Considered Correct,

May We trouble you for O light :?
Thanksi See how the tobacco curls and
shrivels in the flame. There are some
folk whom We should dearly like to treat
in the same way, and watch them writhe.
Qneer how, at times. the smoker is as
calmly bloodthirsty as the mikado. There
are men who dispassionately 20 in for
robbine their fellows Of what they hold
dearest In life, or trying to do so. Look
at Bob Ingersoll for instance. Bob
ought TO burn. And how he would
burnl In the brave old days when no
mawkish sentimental:;y prevented the
roasting OF heretics, Bob would have had
no chance. Can We fancy him as the
flames began to lick up those cherubic
chops Of his, nelifluously, in that soft
low voice, pouring forth those strikingly
eloquent and shallow Probabilities which
seem to be worth 90 much per plausi.
bility9 Or would Bob have baselv turned
his back on the stage TO escape the
stake? We fear he would.
Father Lambert, in his "Notes on In
gtrsoll," gives that easy-going philoso-
pher a roasting latter the merciful mod.
ern manner) which leaves little Of the
brilliant but unbelieving colonel save
greese spot.
But Robbie thou art no thy lane in
proving that the spirit Of insane destruc-
tiveness does possess some, even as the
devils possessed the swine Of Gadara.
We noticed the other day in little
grave just five and half by eight and q
half inches, devoted to the entombment
Of matters educational, an article with
the caption: "A Vile Habit" The habit
thus Wiley characterized was smoking.
The editor (sexton We should say quoted
the uttersncee Of some bilious parson,
and proceeded to gild the refined gold of
his remarks. As Is always the case In
articles OF this description, there was a
terrible examples brass monkey. We
were reminded Of the masters wall over
just such another as our parson: "Man,
proud man, drest in little brief author
ity, most ignorant of what hes most as.
sured, his CLASSY essence, like an angry
ape, plays such fantastic tricks before
high heaven as make the angels weep"
And we pitied the padre. Poor fellow |!
Placed for q moment 10 position to
teach his fellows, he airs his prejudices
and runs tilt at the balmy weed mans
great consoler, tired natures sweet re-
storer. And he finds another like
minded) who mistakes his chatter for
wisdom and puts it into print.
The old don's charge on tie windmill
was rational and promising proceeding
compared with the undertaking Of the
padre and the editor. "Arcades ambo"
i'd est, dnnkeys both, as Byron would
have said. Brass monkeys may, but
donkeys don't, love tobacco. Byron's
apostrophe to the witching weed will
probably shock the invertebrate arcades,
but Byron knew what he was talking
about. Sublime tobacco, divine in
hookas. glorious in pipe when tipped
with amber; mellow, rich and ri, De. Yet
thy true lovers more admire by far thy
naked beauties-give me cigar"
What, Byron was bad boy? Well,
then, Lamb. An ye acknowledge not
the gentle Ella humanity will rise up and
call We sour.
Great plant, friendliest OF plants,
Scent to match thy rich perfume.
ChemIc art did meier presume
Through her quaint alemblc strain.
None 90 sovereign TO the brain.
Thou art the only manly scent.
Plant divine. OF rarest virtue.
Blisters on the tongue would hurt YOU"
Or, hearken, padre, to the words Of one
who was success incarnate in politics,
diplomacy, philosophy and literature
Bulwer Litton. And that great, il some
what toploitical. genius never spoke
truer word: THE man who smokes
thinks like sage and acts like samari-
TAM" But, thou mayest say: "These
all be OF the earth. earthly; sensual"
and 90 forth. Well, dids't thou 1--WE
wonder), ever run across that noblest OF
smoking reveries. by one OF thine own
cloth-all honor to it. Scotch Erskine,
We think 1t was, but We are open to cor
rection., Thus think and smoke to.
bacco7"
II not, we would counsel thee to seek
for it diligently until thou find it, and
then sit at the feet OF q master and
learn Of him wit, wisdom, high thought,
undefled religion-and the tobacco habit.
This modern apostle 81 abstinence tells
Us Of a brass monkey, which was to be
seen in his town, and which habituslly
smoked cigar. There came day, how
ever, when the monkey would not smoke
his cigar. An operation was performed
and the wretched animals works were
found to be clogged and in filthy con-
dition.
New, the padre nowhere affirms, nor
does he produce any witnesses who
affirm, that smoking was the cause OF the
trouble. But ne leaves us to infer that
such was, indeed, the case, and trium-
phautly inquiries with never the sus-
picion Of grin on his face): "If tobacco
smoke will stop the works Of brass
monkey, what will Il do to your"
II the court please, we object to the
question as irrelevant and immateriai.
And II behoves man in attacking a
time-honored and universally recognized
institution to be definite in the witness
be bears against it. We claim that We
are entitled to non-suit on the utter
lack of evidence. But, for the sake OF
argument, let US admit that tobacco
amoke did clog and defila the works OF