The Newtown bee., 1894-02-02
We've Got It At Last, Ye Crusty Old Bachelors, A Substi-
 tute For Woman.

We have been adding to our stock of furni- | ture at Ilawleyville a patented article espe- l a woman can. An article that, in some lines | Ot labor can accomplish more than any ten Of the smartest women you can pick out be- | tween Passamaquoddy bay and the back | bone of the Rockies A substitute and, | really, in many ways, an improvement on woman. Now when you realize how long time it is since an Improvement has been made, or even thought of, on woman as originally planned, you must ac- know ledge that we've "struck it rich" for these hard times, but we wish it distinctly mn dtTstOOd that we have formed league tor the cXterminatiun or crowding of woman oil the sphere. We still hold to the opinion that she is q real necessity, but you know there are lots Of men-Crusty old bachelors, gener- ally-whO take an opposite view and believe that marriage and women in general are colossal failures of the first magnitude; seem ingly tender hearted men, too-men who would take pains to warm the water when drowning female infants. These are the men who argue that the hrst man and his pros pets and his descendants and their prospects were seriously injured, crippled and almost plotted out Dy that miraculous surgical oper ation on his rib. There are thousands ot just this class Ot men in the country, enough Ot them so that It seems to us there must be money in it for us to boom and push the sale of this article and we have made arrange mCnts with the manufacturers to keep SUD- piled with all styles and sizes. We acknOwl- edge that our motives are purely mercenary. for ' Uu must know that it is very distastelul to Us to willingly do anything detrimental to the interests Of the fair sex, and especially anything that points toward substitution or
 
 haLH and we must do something to keep the wolf from the door. Hunger has even been known to cause men to slay and eat a boon companion and fellow traveller. Our prlncI pal industries at Hawleyville, as you have been told, are in the main furniture and the natural propagation of pOllyWOgS. The pas sage of the silver bill did not seem to help us much. During July and August the polly wOg hatCheries in the great north trog ponds were in d wonderfully prosperous condition. w. could point with pride to countless mil Ions; great fat fellows with tails so large that | nI a " w | im' s. with it's iusidiOus, invisible work | :ng., struck the country, and about the time lustries suddenly became paralyZed we dis covered that every polyWog's tail was be- dropped off. Yes, sir, dropped off, and now, since the p1ess of the country has been filled with heated discussions upon the tariff. the wogs themselves l have followed the example set by the tails and dropped off also; not a wog nor | tail to be found in all our vast expanse of hatcheries, and yet they have been held strict | the partisan press There seems to be a mys. | teTiOus, unheard, unseen, sympathetic under current of thought and feeling perme eating every town and hamlet and frog pond of our | country, carrying men and beings on to ruin, whether they will or no. Such paralyzing of the wheels of infant industries" was never | before known in Hawleyville. Therefore, tair readers, we feel that you will pardon us tor engaging in the sale ot an article so detri
 mental to your interests. We trust the clouds | will soon lift and we may be able to say and do something that will help your cause much as we now injure it. In fact, we've got l to, whether the clouds lift or not, tor come to think, we have one Of your own sex right in | our family that we've sworn to look after and | sustain thro' thick and thin, storm and tenn pest, sunshine and shadow, tariff or no tariff. But to the men who don't believe Tn woman
 and are looking tor a substitute we say come and see us, we've got just what you want. | You can run it yourself if you want to and it can't run you. Wears no silks nor frills and eats no bon bons. Will do everything in it's line you ask it to, but sew suspender but
 tons. It draws the line there (what woman | doesn't), but W look during the year for an
 improved button sewing attachment whereby | we can run a man right through without dis
 robing him and in four to six revolutions sew
 on every button, mend his pockets and crease
 his trousers In the meantime don't forget
 that, although the air is filled with rumors ot
 hard times, we are still distributing furniture | at Hawleyville as of old and we are now
 headquarters in Western Connecticut for the NEW HOME K SEWING MACHINE. Don't you
 buy till you see us; you'll be sorry if you do.