The Washington bee., 1894-03-03
THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED.
He Didn't Know Himself Why the Drugl
Cured and Couldn't Tell.

He Didn't Know Himself Why the Drug
Cured and Couldn't Tell.
It began in this way: Col. -, lat
Of the Indian army, valued paten
and good friend, with no other vic,
than a mania for inquiring into th,
why and wherefore Of things, consulted
me about certain symptoms Of gou
that were causing him some anxiety
and I, having run him through tht
gamut Of questions without which N
consultation Is supposed to be com
plete, prescribed for him. The seventh
morning after-a morning destined tt
be fatal to my future peace Of mind
he turned up again, cured, buoyant
grateful, but alas! curious.
'You know, old man." he com
menced, 'tthat from q child I have beer
cursed with a brutal analytical mania
and have come to ask you Gn pure
ly friendly SPIRIT a few questions
about this wonderful prescription OF
yours that has so completely cured
i me-"
He slowly drew the thing from his
pocket. II should not take this lib
erty," he continued, were I not aware
of the fact that medicine is of all sci
ences the least mysterious and the most
above-board."
I was beginning to feel a little un.
comfortable, when, having carefully
read the paper, he launched QUIT
notice there are here seven distinct
drugs. Now, will you kindly start by
telling me if in combination they act
with their seven different potentialities
unimpaired, or, by mixing them, are
you aiming at some new salt that holds
in solution the unaltered capacity of
each?"
By this time I had broken out into a
cold perspiration, and, rising from my
chair, asked him if he would excuse
| me while went to the dining-room for
some matches. Returning, I sat down
with the emphasis Of a man who means
it, and with some deliberation said, 81
think So" He frowned his dissatisfac-
! ton, and so, by way Of parenthesis, I
i added, II need scarcely remind you, a
man Of science, that where perfect
chemical compounds, in contradistinc-
ton to mechanical mixtures, depend
for their amalgamation entirely upon
exosmosis, the atomical efficacy of each
alkaloid must remain always in the in
verse ratio Of it's specific gravity"
He followed me without an effort, and
smiling his thanks, continued: Quite
so, quite so; but now tell which of
these seven drugs cured me. Do you
mind going for one moment into de-
tails? I'll take first this one" Che read
it with cruel slowth): "'Potas, lodi
Now to what class Of drug, if any,
does this belong. Never mind me, old
fellow; speak out" I did, cautiously
but courageOusly.
Its an alterative'
Al beg your pardon?'
can Alternative"
(Which means?"
Something that alters"
"Alters what?"
well, look here, Colonel-I will de-
scend to the level of the lay mind-it
alters your diathesis''-
"My Up
Your diathesis; which means simply
the long reverberating mountain-echo
of inherent tendencies, the whispered
curse OF progenitors that has curdled
your urates and rendered your phos-
pilates luminous-you follow me?
He nodded pleasantly, and said:
Thanks, awfully, for making it so
clear to me; but let us go on. T want
now to come to the next drug, opium
what is opium?'
1T is Gods gift to man; it is the tear
OF the poppy that has first blushed and
then wept for us; it isl
mo, no, please don't To what order
OF drug does it belong?"
Its sedative.''
"But thought it increased sensation
De Quincy tells us so.'
Quite so; but-excuse me. I want
some more matches"
When l returned he had helped him
ser TO refreshments, got his wind, and
reloaded. "Now, then, want particu-
larly to know what are the intrinsic
properties Of opium. OF course, a spe-
cialist like yourself would not prescribe
50 powerful a drug without knowing,
but to an amateur like myself it is a
little confusing.
My head was beginning to swim, and,
as last resource, suggested post
ponlng the discussion for some future
day, as I was anxious to talk to him
about Home Rule (any ything was better
than thts). But no, there was no shunt-
ing him off the line of his fad; and so,
carefully closing the door, and binding
him down to perfect secrecy, I laid my
whole soul bare before him.
Colonel" said, ''in the good old
days when the witches danced around
their caldron to the tune Of weird song,
medicine was above the pitiful level of
mere art. But now, we modern medi-
cine men, irrevocably harnessed to sci.
ence, find that we have been dragging
up through the ages a CARLOAD Of vege-
tables (as for Covent Garden) to hawk
about the streets and prate of; but the
public are finding them stale and the
alkaloid Of faith evaporated. A blatant
agnosticism such as your own, which
(pardon my saying so) is to me as bias
phemus as an incubator, has ruined
mems chances of either living in ease
or dying in comfort. And-sh!-I am
not at all sure that a little knowledge
has not made quacks Of us all. What!
You can't stay to lunch? You must
come again soon, won't you?" - Pail
Mall Budget.
Noses Revised and Amended.
If Cleopatra were alive to-day the
length of hpr n0So yvol11d havo 1ittIo fo