Little Falls weekly transcript. (Little Falls, Morrison Co., Minn.) 1894-19??, 1894-05-25
CHANGING HIS MIND.


nIr. Qnsggles Comes Back From the Etigeof
the Grave. :
mr.. Quaggles declared he felt extremely
i'll. He didn't know what was the matter
with him, but he graphically said that he
was at death sdoor and could hear the han.
die being turned the other side to give him
admittance. Mr.. Quaggles wouldn't see
doctor. He had peculiar aversion to doc
tors. especially to- their bills. Some people
We're unkind enough to say that Mr.. Quag-
giles put on" his illness.
One day Mrs. Quaggles found little
pamphlet which had been thrust under the
front door that had been issued by :. firm
Of patent medicine vendors, wherein the
symptoms of various ailments were mi
nutely described. After perusing it she took
it to her husband and said:
''Thomas, you can find out what is the
matter with you by reading this little
book"
Reading thatp' exclaimed Mr. Quag-
giles contemptuously. why, my symp-
toms wouldn't go in a few pages like that.
1t would take three volumes to describe
'em. However," he added, ''you can read
some symptoms to me, Jemima. I don't
feel equal to doing it myself" and he leaned
back in his armchair, signing heavily. My
gracious, do feel bad!' he moaned.
So Mrs. Quaggles began:
Spain in back and under shoulder blades;
frequent headaches, principally over eyes''
'That's mel" groaned Mr.. Quaggles.
Eyes, that's you, Thomas" assented Mrs.
Quaggles and went on, "'Depressed and
languid feeling; burning of the palms of
the hands and soles of the feet"
"Me again. You could cook steak on
mine," declared Mr.. Quaggles.
"'Aversion to physical exercise That's
you, Thomas" declared his wife. you're
frightfully lazy"
mo, no, Jemima; that's not me-" dissent
ed the invalid. Pm not bit lazy, only
my poor, feeble body won't let me take any
| exercise. Coon, Jemima. Your voice puts
me in mind of the Dead March In Saul''
"'Unpleasant dreams,'" continued Mrs.
Quaggles.
''Rather! Why. have such awful dreams
that believe they lift some of the hair off
my head every night. That's why Pm get
ting so bald" he said mournfully. ''Oh,
dear Oh! dear!'' And Mr.. Quaggles sud-
denly started out of his chair and grasped
the top of his head.
''Whatever's the matter, Thomas?" asked
his wife alarmedly.
'Why, I had pain shoot right up from
my big toe to the top of my head"
GOOD gracious, what long pain!'' ex-
claimed Mrs. Quaggles. YOU'RE over six
feet, you know, Thomas!''
Eyes, and it amt finished yet. It keeps
coiling round and round my head" groan-
ed Mr.. Quaggles. Doesn't it give that
symptom, Jemima?"
mo. can't find anything about the sea
SERPENT" giggled Mrs. Quaggles. "That's
! what you must have inside you"
''Jemima," said her husband reproach-
fully, lis this a time for heartless levity,
when here am with one foot in the grave
and the other one slipping down the side of
it? What do all these terrible symptoms
point to? Is my heart going to drop to
pieces, are my lungs going to burst, or
what?"
''Liver, Thomas! It's your liver that's
| wrong, so far as can make out"
''Ah, I thought so! That's why can't
! eat. There's no room for food in me- The
space is all occupied by my liver It has,
so to say, taken the whole house instead Of
living in one apartment as it ought to do.
l tell you, Jemima, I've got enough liver to
go with a side of bacon and then there
would be some left to eat cold alone I'm
doomed, dear. I'll make my will at once
! though it is but little have to leave You
| had better go round to the undertaken and
| get all estimate for funeral-a plain one
you know-and"-
There was a tap at the door, and the servs
ant entered with letter for her master.
Mr.. Quaggles took it languidly, but had
only read few words when be jumped up
and began to execute a war dance.
whats the matter, Thomas? Is it that
long pain again?" anxiously inquired Mrs.
[ Quaggles.
mo, no! What do YOU think? Poor old
! Uncle James isdead and has left me So, OOOp'
''You don't mean to say SO? How good
| of him to die-I mean to leave you e5, OOOl
But, Thomas, what pity it has arrived too
| late!'
ARRIVED too late! What do you mean,
| Jemima?"
"Why, amt you just going to die, Thorn
as?"
II don't know that I am I can change
my mind if like, can'tI? 2" asked Mr.. Quag-
giles somewhat Indignantly.
'But how can you possible live with that
awful liver of yours?'' persisted his wife.
Liver be hangedp' exclaimed Mr.. Ouag-
giles. IF $4,000 won't cure it, it isn't worthy
to be called a liver. 1 tell you, Jemima,
pm-G5 ,OO0-going to-fancy, 95, OO0-get
! well right away Whoop! Five thousand
poundsp'
And strange to say-or perhaps not strange
| to say-Mr. Quaggles recovered with mar
velous rapidity. Heis now one of the health
lest and happiest men in the United King
dom. Even that ''long pain'' has gone!-
| Tit-Bits.