Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1894-09-14
HERE N THERE.

I regret that the irrigation congress
should have adjourned, and Governor
Waite let slip a glorious opportunity to
demonstrate TO that body of representa-
tive men, by one of his characteristic
speeches, that he is still the most magni-
fcent damphool in captivity.
The violent thunderstorm which pre-
vailed in Bismarck last Thursday night
has been satisfactorily explained. 1t
was merely the echo of a populist rally
down in the Red River valley, where the
ponderous intellects of Attorney General
Standish and Mr.. Walter Muir escaped
from their f~astenings and roamed rough
shod over the vicinity. That deafening
crash of thunder which seemed the
climax of the storm was the result of a
brilliant and powerful invective of the
attorney general against the cabbage
trust, and while Mr.. Standlsh wa speak
ing, MIR. Muir passed a piece of coarse
sandpaper rapidly to and fro over his
massive jaw and produced flash after
flash of red, white and blue lightning to
go with the thunder. The meeting was
attended by ten citizens and a large
number of populists.
It is odd that two bodies of men,
exactly opposite in intention, should
convene at the same place within a week
of each other. The irrigation congress
has been busy at Denver for a week, en-
~deavoring to formulate plans for wetting
things, and to-day, the large and olsen
snured army of former alcoholists who
have taken degrees in the establishment
of my opulently successful friend DR..
Leslie b. Kelley, are holding a conven-
ton at the same place to exchange felici-
tations upon their release from bondage.
Mr.. Keeley's army comprises men from
the entire length and breadth of the
land, who have met to testify to the
eminent success of bichloride of gold a
la Kelley, as a destroyer of the alcoholic
appetite. DR.. Kelley doesn't pretend to
supply power to the enfeebled Wills of
the persons who partake of the benefits
of his discovery, but he eradicates the
irresistible craving of the drinkers appe-
tite until the will has an opportunity to
recover itself. From a standpoint of
philanthropy, there is much praise due
to DIR. Kelley, and those who have be-
come disenslaved, and whose lives have
been made brighter and healthier and
happier through his instrumentality can
not testify too cordially in his behalf.
L wonder what can have wrought SO
revolutionary a metamorphosis in the
opinion of MI. James Rabid Sovereign.
Not many days ago, when the Chicago
riots were at their greatest height, Mr..
Sovereign's tongue was revolving on it's
axis and scoring about 1000 revolutions
a minute, brilliant bolts of zig-zag light
ming shot forth from his ears and eyes,,
and he promulgated to the Knights of
Labor, proclamations clothed in lang
uage which would average a pound in
weight to every five words, in which he
implored a general strike, which should
tie the whole nation up in a
hard knot. In fact, Mr.. Sow
ereign was altogether the most
effectually self-proven ass who
was concerned in the coun-
sells of the strike leaders. And
now, the same Sovereign announces
that he does not approve of strikes, and
that he does not consider them benefi-
cial. Will Mr.. Sovereign kindly lubri-
cate his intellect with a few drops of
sewing machine oil, and explain what he
meant when he was so busily engaged
in emitting electric sparks from his cav
ernous mouth a few weeks ago? Was he
talking according to his convictions, or
merely busting the rust from his vocal
chords?
I neglected yesterday to mention
another remedy which is set forth by
Secretary Morton, for the alienation of
drouth, or rather of the effects of drouth.
It is to pillow deeper. Down on his Nebras-
ka farm, Mr.. Morton plows his land to a
depth of nearly four miles, and the crops
he raises are simply immense. Last
season, the vegetable growths or his
deeply-plowed Eden were so dense that
a circus procession got lost in his potato
patch, and was not rescued for nine
days. Even the tin cans which the Sec
rotary set out over his tomato vines, took
root, and when fall arrived, and the har-
vest had commenced, they had developed
into steam boilers Of 10-horse power
capacity. A hole which was dug into
the ground to set out some cucumber
seed, and which was carelessly left open.
, grew into an artesian we'll, and some OF
the barbed wire which was left lying in
the field took root, and averaged twelve
, gross of improved fish hooks to the yard
The secretary says he never saw such
soil for raising Little Neck clans, some
hills turning out a bushel, and the egg
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