Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-04-01
The Idler Comments on Bill NyeS HiS-
tory Of Our Country.
COLUMBUS AND POCAHONTAS.
Polk Miller as n Professional Lecturer
His Funny Experiences In New
York-A Musical Chair.

littl one IdS W "a "AN'' - l+N'eeN~ -
find his humor. but the man who reads
this history and repeats the statement
should forthwith consider himself the
Ananias OF the nineteenth century. The
book has been published by the Lippin-
colt Company. and 1t Is bound In red,
white, and blue. The comments of the
author would make n dog laugh. Now,
don't say that dogs never laugh, and that
even If they could. they wouldn't smile
at this book. inasmuch as they can't read.
Dogs of the present day are all expected
to read. The next time you go in the
Capital Square notice the many signs
giving specific Instructions to CANNES ITO
keep off the grass" Now, how on earth
would the dogs know tnat they were pro-
hibtcd from wipng their feet on the
greensward unless they could read the
signs? This. In itself. IS proof positive
that dogs do read and, inasmuch as they
do read. say again that the book would
make the most OttuSe or them smile
Nye's history is unique IN It's style, and
almost every line Of the work shows the
quaint. odd humor Of tho~writer. True,
there are things in It that would be I'M
appreciated save by those well-posted on
public affairs, but all the same the fun
Is there. If the humOrist had been a
born politician Q think he ayers that he
never heId any public olhce save the
honored position OF justice Of the peace
In his county, he could not have produced
n work less calculated 10 offend or stir
up sectional feeling. At times, in refer
ring to the late war. ne is even serious
and frequently he casts aside his sense
Of the ludicrous to pay some graceful
tribute TO our beloved Confederate chief
tains The Illustrations in the history.
which are by Fred. y. Opper. are almost
as mirth-lnspiring as the IDEAS Of Nye
himself. and the combined efforts Of the
two men are certainly sufficient, in my
opinion. to save many a chap from corn
mitting suicide But / shall quote from.
and epitomlze certain extracts OF the his
tory in order that you may judge the
work for yourselves.
According TO the historian, Columbus
had hard time getting an interview with
Ferdinand and Isabella. but finally. by
means Of a letter Of introduction. which
endorsed him as a hrst-class discOVerer
Of everything discoverable. he got the
entrce into the palace. Before being
Ushered in the presence OF the royal
pair. "he reversed his cuffs. and taking
a fresh handkerchief from his valise. put
IL IN his pocket 50 that the corners would
coyly stick out a little" On the throne
was sign. This is a busy day" but.
according 10 Nyc, "the interview was en-
couraging until the matter OF money ne
cessary for the trip was touched upon.
His Majesty spoke sadly Of the public
surplus. lie said that there were 500
still due on his own salary. and the pa
lace had not been painted for eight
years. He had taken orders on the store
till he was tired Of IL. our meat-bnl.
said he. taking of his crown and mash
ing a hornet on the wall. is sixty days
overdue. We owe the hired girl for three
weeks, and how are We going TO do any
discovering when you remember that we
have got TO pay for an extra session
this fall for the purpose of making money
plenty?'
The writer here goes on to state that
Isabella was more encouraging. She
thought America ought % bee discovered.
and. in the language Of the Hon. Jere-
miah NJ. Eusk, she seen her duty.
and she done H." That was Isabclla's
style, and 50 Columbus, equipped with a
large bunch Of beautiful flowers mice
yachung-cap. and a spicy French novel
t. read on the road" started on his
voyage. The sailors. before the trip was
over, got very contrary. and would PER
sIst in using Chris's steamer chair when
be wanted II himself Some claimed. too.
that they were lost and had sailed around
for week in "a circle, one man swear
ing that he recognized a spot they
had passed eight times already.
discovered-in fact, discovered several
times-and a saloon was at once started
on the island. Decades rolled by. and at
last the thirteen colonies sprung into
existence, ana immigration commenced to
increase. Dried apples and schools be-
gan 10 make their appearance" Among
the Puritans the low. rttreating for~head
OF the goldfish began To b. seen At the
stores, and virtue began t. break out
among the Indians after death" Virginia
our grand old Commonwealth, took a hold
on life The bal1-headed sage here pays
a glowing tribute 10 Smith John Smith
saved the colony said thc modern
Heroditus. He was one Of the best
Smiths that ever came - this country.
which Is as large an 81 cOmium as Il man
cares 70 travel with lie would have
saved the life of Pocahontas. an Indian
girl, who belonged To the gentry of their
uibe. but she ~ once saw that il would bc
a point for her TO save him, SO after
q months rehearsal with her father "a
william. with Smiths part taken by
chunk Of blue gim-wOOd. they succeeded
in getting this little curtain-raiser TO per
fcctiOn. PQcahontas was afterwards mar
ri--l If the authors memory does not
fail him, To John Rolfe Pocahontas was
D.. Al rood 10
sprang from her. She never touched them
Her husband sprang from her also just
in time. The way she jumped him from
a clay-cating crowd into the bosom Of
the English aristocracy 10y this dramatic
ruse was worthy OF n greater recognition
than merely 10 figure among the makers
OF smoking tobacco. with fancy wrappers.
when she never had a fancy wrapper IN
her life"
Pil Of course harps upon George Wash
ington. and at his hands the Father OF His
Country is made about as ridiculous as
any man could be after having the
Ratchet yarn told on him. "The name Of
George Washington says the sage. has
always had about il a glamour that made
him appear more I'm the light OF God
than a tall man with large feet and a
mouth made - ~ an old-fashiOned. full
dress pumpkin pie" We have seen pic
lures OF George till We are led to believe
that he did not breathe our air or eat
American groceries. but n had his faults.
and boys in America who want TO imi-
tate him ueed not feel timid about try
lng il. The historian get really serious at
times In his references 10 the late war,
and. alludng TO Storewall Jackson. he
says: mo one can help admiring the
dashing officers tour in the Shenandoah
Valley. where he kept three major-gene-
rails and 5000 troops awake nights with
10 90 men, saved Richmond, scared Wash
lngton into fits, and prevented the union
Of McClellan's and McDowelfs forces.
Had there been more such men and lit
tie more confidence in the great volume OF
errors called Confederate
money. the lovely character who pens
these lines might have a different tale to
pen."
The day will yet come-and IL is not
very far distant-when We will be proud
to walk on the same side or the street
with Polk Miller, and when we will expe-
rience a profound satisfaction In inhaling
the same atmosphere that the honest drug
gist draws In his non-consumptive lungs
Polk Is destined 10 become famous, and ere
a decade has elapsed his name will rank
with that OF Josh Billings or John Bun
van. For wears and years. In the scented
atmosphere OF his drugstore, the Jocose
Virginian sweetened. or perhaps embitter-