The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1894-12-26
THE SCIENCE OF "oLD BOOTS

IHE oClEnOE VI OoO oVO@S
Scarpology.-ssAS Swiss savsnt, DR.
Care, Jealous of the success OF palm
istry, has invented a new science,
which he calls scarpology, by which
he is able to decipher the character oil
people by a study of their old boots!
IL was q fact OF early observation
with him that every pair OF old boots
bore the impress of the wearer.
nDr. Cares first care was to pro
cure from each of his friends and rel
atives one or more pairs OF old boots.
Gradually he amassed the nnest COL
lection OF chdussures ever known.
They were all neatly catalogued, and
in most cases some particulars OF the
character of the original owner were
known to the collector.
when his shelves were quite full,
the doctor set to work to classify his
acquisitions. By arguing from the
known to the unknown; by compar-
ing, deducing and contrasting, he at
last thought himself able to lay down
the broad outlines of q science-to de-
termine whether the wearer OF q par
ticular pair Of boots had climbed the
steep and thorny way to Heaven or
whether, rocking not his own rede, ne
had trodden the primrose paths OF
0alll9nce-
"He has called his new science
Scarpology, possibly from the italian
word Scarpaccia, an old shoe, the di-
minutive Of Scarpa. He claims for IL
that IL IL quite as 1exact" as phrenol-
ogy or chiromancy."-All the Year
Round.
In order that Hawaii may be at
the front, in scientific researche 8,
some philanthropic sugar baron, or
coffee, or pineapple, or canaigre,
millionaire, should endow an in
stitution in which Scarpology may
be taught, and in which curiosities
in the way of boots should be COL
lected. 1t should, unquestionably,
be under the superintendent of
Prof. Brigham, who has special
qualifications for expounding any
subject which involves Kicking"
Boots have an inestimable value
for that purpose, and no one is
able to discourse to better advan-
tage, on the subject, than the
learned professor, who, it is well
known, spends most of his waking
hours, in "kicking" at everybo dy.
There should be collected, and
placed in this museum, the pair of
old boots, presented by Capt. Cook
to Kamehameha l., the pair worn
by Capt. Cook himself, when his
earthly career, as spurious Ha-
waiian god, was abruptly termina-
ted on Hawaii boots worn by the
early missionaries, on landing
here the boots of the kings of Ha-
wall those worn by the good gov
ernor, Kekuanoa, which creaked al
the way up the aisle of the Hawai-
ahao church those worn by the
present government and full as
sortment of the boots, in which
Mr.. Bush, and the Holomua, say
the revolutionists are standing
and trembling"
OF course, a separate aud large
building would be needed Tor the
multitudinous pairs of boots which
the learned professor himself owns
if he reserves a separate pair for
each person he would like 10 kick
in this community. He should,
moreover, construct life size wooden
images, like those in front of cigar
stands, representing the most OBJ
noxious persons, from the President
downwards, and, on stated occa-
sions, he should set them out in his
audience chamber, and with holy
hatred draw on the appropriate
boots, fiercely gyrate around the
helpless images and kick them
over. One day should be devoted
to the Cabinet another day to the
clergy; another to the editors, and
on a special day he should set up
multitude of images representing
all classes and conditions, and
'lay them out" with wonderful
gyrations and searching kicks of