Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-07-08
FIGHT BYS0REKEADS
AN AmlcA6Le ADJUSTMENT OF ALL
THEIR TROUBLES REACHED.
The Grand sBchcm Suggests the Jan III
summer mud fhc Alrn-iiouse In
Winter Time.

While the great strike IN the West Is
running the prices Of meats and the IKE
10 the highest point known IN their re
snec.ive markets there Is one thing
which Is having It's effect upon all man
kind. aud Il Il tais greatest OF all ques-
tons that the Richmond Branch OF the
Distracted order Of SOTeheads is endeaV-
orlg to settle. The subject which Is
burning deep into the brains of men
and causing them to drench I'm perspira-
ton their thin summer garments y
the hot weather Everybody knows that
This weather Is not at all calculated 70
Inspire man 10 go into the woods ana
maui rails or crack rocks upon the streets.
Phil. Parsley. the Oregon Hill politician
viii bear me out TN this assertion.
Phil was obiectlng very seriously few
Jays ago 10 wearing one OF his last win
tor ovcrcOats. but a friend suggested 10
him that ne should not mind that.
aeree with Phirs friend, that 1t is far
better "a swelter In an Overcoat In sum
Nor time than 20 freeze for want or one
IN winter.
Now the purpose for which the Dis
trarted order u Sorcheads was organ
ized $ the alienation OF the suffering OF
the multitude In all seasons Of the year.
Just how TO provide internal and external
fuel to its members In winter and Ices
| and other essentials for cooling me
! parchod system in summer IS the per
plexmg problem. when this shall have
| been satisfactorily solved the wheels OF
mott
rctrace what ground they have lost.
The Grand Sachem Of the Soreheads has
made several very wise suggestions, the
most feasible Of which was that the mem
| hers of that ancient and respected organi-
zation should lie themselves IN the heated
season to that Lovely spot in Lumpkin 5
| bottom. where Is situated Hotel de Epps,
| and that their rigorous winters should ne
| speut in the switzerland of the Norm
| side the city almshOuse The Grand
Sachem had splendid reasons for Vouch-
safng such a proposition. For seVei%
months he scratched the dust from ms
| hoary locks, wiped with his bandahha
| handkerchief the moisture from his green
| Goggles 0or I'll grand sachems wear green
| goggles. 1t being one Of the prerequisites
| Of this high and noble Office. and rubbed
| corus upon his corn-colored palms, so
| deep was he in studying and evolving
| from his gigantic cupola some scheme Tor
The relief Of the craft
|
As the outcome of all his political ana
| economic research, his SOreheaded Majesty
| reached the aforesaid conclusion with
| out regard for tiA opinions Of the seven
| wise men constituting the Board OF Irus-
| ices of the organization. The Grand
| sachem. having spent some time In esch
| of these renowned institutions. is wei
| qualified 10 speak with regard TO them
| The one place affords broad corridors
| lpon which to stroll, an abundance OF ice
| water high walls. which furnish shade 10
| The premises and remind one Of old Scotch
castles. much gay and festive company
| which permits not the days TO drag by
| slowly nor the nights to be oppressive ana
| melancholy.
| When this all-pOwerful official was first
| in iail ne was not so well pleased with
| his surroundings. The social conditions
were not what they are now. Recently,
| when Justice jonathan JonesbOro Crutch-
| field invited the Sachem to this resort for
| thirty days. he went down with reluctance
| but soon became Convinced that
| the old saying. time and tide walt Tor
| no man" was entirely true, az he
1
| gress that was in the atmosphere OF
| that section
| During his brief sojourn with Captain
| Epps and Dump Twyman, the Chief OF
| Soreheads changed his mind with regard
| TO this picturesque spot. and decided that
| for the next two centuries the Distracted
| Association should hold its annual meet
| ngs in this fashionable clearinghouse
| These sessions begin at the close OF the
| winter retreat, and continue until fan,
| when the body returns 70 the establish
| ment of genial, sociable, Superintendent
| Carter.
| During the last annual conference Of
| the order | called on the Grand Sachcm
| at his apartments. at the Jail There were
| IA representatives present | was made
| welcome By that genuine Muldoon. Cap
| tain Epps. After formal introduction
| to the bruised-cranium lcdgers. / met the
| presidinE-ofiice of the principal body. ana
| was invited TO delightful gray-and-
| brown room-that is, the walls " re gray,
| and the doors and bars brown-and upon
| settee. the cushions Of which were
| formed of material from Abrams and
| Stems. Dainty sketches from the Police
| Gazette and Puck lined the walls, ana
| refreshments were served IN lineup
| from "a buCkct. alter PAL ldhlub ll'fiS WI
| the Intoxicating fluid. which is supplied by
| the city at the outrageous cost Of $3.3s
| quarter" l got down to my interview
| with this head Of the order of secret
| orders.
| At this time the Sachem was much ex-
| ercised over the dissenting factions OF
| soreheads Great beads of perspiration
| elistened in the sunshine as it fell upon
| his face. and the rays chased each other
| through his sixteen-days-old whiskers. His
| eyes bulgcd. and there was set eN-
| preston about his mouth, which indi-
Gated how greatly agitated he was over
| the question at issue.
When asked as TO the troubles Of the
| members of his order. the Grand Head
| bowed low his Uranium, and muttered
! All they are many. Some OF them can
| never be satisfied. Some are aggrieYed
on account Of the silver question desn-
! inr that both white and yellow metal
| shah he as plentiful as the flies in sum
,oer and the mud In winter time. Others
have political ambitions. ana wish 10 go
to the Council or to Congress. that they
may regulate municipal or national mat
! tors and fix the weather to suit them
selves. Then, too, there are those VINO
prefer other occupation 10 poultry rais-
ing and there is but one thing 10 be
| done"
what is that?' l asked with keenest
| interest.
."ro call a seven-year meeting OF the
united bodies at this place, the winter
sessions to be adjourned TO the almshouse'
and TO bring into this protracted CONFER
ence all those having more or less con-
nection with the order Of disorganized
brains. ! suggest this because the asy-
lulns are already full-and likewise many
| members Of our ancient ana reputapie
! organization" THE LANkN SCRIBE.
NOTE PAPER AND HOW TO USE IT.