davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1894-12-28
"How to Cure All Skin Diseases. !"

Simply apply ''Swayne's Ointment No in
ternal medicine required. Cures letter, eczema,
itch, erysipelas, all unsightly eruptions ON the
face, hands and nose, etc, leaving the skin
clear, white and healthy Its great healing and
curative powers are possessed by no other rem
edy.-Ask your druggist for Swayne's Oint-
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1894-12-28
- ---
Rucklan,s Arnlca SaIYe

The best Salve in the World for Cuts, Bruises
Sores, Ulcers, Salt Rheum, Fever Sores, letter,
Chapped Hands, Chilblains, Corns and all Skin
Eruptions and positively cures Piles, or no pay
required. 1t is guaranteed to give perfect
satisfaction, or money refunded. Price %
cents per box. For sale by Dr. VIM S. Richard
son 4 Son, Druggists. Bel Air Md
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1894-12-28

They Have Stood the Test of Years.
doris, Indigestion and many of the ordinary all
ments is DIR. Richard Sappington's Liver Pills.
Ask your nearest druggist or storekeeper for
them. Twenty-Five cents box.
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

Mrs. Bingo-My dear, 1 have a confession
to make.
Bingo-What is it?
Mrs. Bingo-I am almost afraid to tell
you, but | don't see how [ can I'll the
house on the allowance you give me.
Bingo-Don't see how? Why, Sarah,
what de you mean? You don't mean to
say you have spent the money l ave you
three weeks ago.?
Mrs. Bingo-I am afraid I have.
Bingo-Now look here. I give you S120 a
month for the household expenses alone.
This is the end of the third week, isn't it?
Mrs. Bingo-Yes, dear.
Bingo-Well, we figured it out that your
market bill would average $40 a week,
didn't we?
Mrs. Bingo-Yes, dear.
Bingo-And your grocery bill $40 a week.
Mrs. Bingo-Yes, dear.
Bingo-And your servants. gas. milk and
sundries at SO a week?
J Mrs. Bingo-Yes, dear.
Bingo-That makes $50. For three weeks
that would b. $50. Three weeks ago I gave
you $12O, didn't I?
Mrs. Bingo-Yes, dear.
Bingo (triumphantlyeThe I should like
to know what you have bought with the
other $50.
Mrs. Bingo (meekly)T expect it home
from the milliper's everv minute. dear:
- " -
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

chicago ana should probably bring back a
nickle-in-the-slot weighing machine with
him, we shut and locked the door and
ave him a half hours talk. The captain
is a man who is sot in his ways, and
though he frankly admitted the force of
our arguments he YVES determined to in
troduce the innovation. The boys might
not take to it kindly, but he relied on his
popularity TO prevent an open rebellion.
The machine reached here Tuesday morn
ing and during the afternoon wa set up
in the saloon. About 100 Of our citizens
called to inspect the novelty, but old Jerry
Black, who had just come down out Of the
mountains with IS bearskins to sell, was
the only who asked any questions.
After standing in front Of the machine for
q quarter of an hour he turned and asked:
"What's she fur?'
''To weigh yourself" replied the cap
tain.
What's the objick in weighin MYSELF"
"To get your weight"
"What do l want Of my weight"
The captain couldn't answer that. We
advised him to close up and barricade the
doors, but he was sOt again and paid no
heed to u advice. At Z o'clock q process
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

yourself. You can have the naming of the
county and all the towns in it.. / have
been holding counties at $50, but owing TO
hard times have cut the price"
Il don't think I'd like to buy less than
a ~state,' I replied, expecting to discourage
him.
All right; sell you a~state1' he prompt
ly answered. Il own enough land to make
three states the size Of Rhode Island. If
you sigh to be governor, and l think you
do, buy a state for $50. I've been holding
them at 800, but competition las cut the
price. In a state, county, township and
municipal government there are "a offices
to be filled. You can fill 'em all. Best
chance ever offered man ambitious to get
on in the work.
/ told him that / hadn't come west to
speculate and was also pressed for time,
and he replied:
Say, III give you land enough for a
state for $50. That's taking $15 off my
lowest price. Remember, "a different OF
fees to fill"
perhaps III sec you again"
Or I'll give you the whole three states
for $3.50 in cash! Don miss a good thing.
That makes 2S2 offices for one man to fill.
Can human ambition expect to soar high
er?'
/ had to decline with thanks. but even
as l rolled away in the stage he gave me
one more opportunity.
"Look here, stranger" he said, I'm
dickering with a chap for enough land to
make three more states. Ii you'll come
bach in two weeks, III sell you the whole
six for $500 and help you to raise an army
to lick the United States and annex it to
your dominionst'
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19
you can put IN your picture too. How you
like der idea?'

you can put IN your picture too. How you
like der idea?"
Il don't think III advertise, y replied
the sergeant, with a wan smile.
All right, all right. l like to gif you
der first shance, you know. All, sergeant,
but you ought TO see some of dose SMOKES
[ hat got for lay first number! She Will
come out eafry two or three weeks instead
OF once a year. If you get somepody to
laughing, you doan' let him shtop. Ha,
ha, ha! Oxcuse me, but it makes me laugh
when l think of does SMOKES. I Will gif
you a few specimens:
"'Vhy vhas a tramp like a shtick Of
wood? Because you can't eat him.
"Nhy 10 some hens fly across dot door
yard? Because dey doan' WALK
"'Vhy vhas dot Ohio rifer like Lake
Erie? Because he has all water
VIVA vhas der decference between a
girl at der seashore und a grizzly bear on
a mountain? Because one WALKS along
der beach, und der odder can kill der
strongest man in shust one minute by der
clock
''Ehy vhas q man oop a tree like q
woman down i'll a well? Because one must
come down, ind der odder must come oop.'
dots only q ferry few of my SMOKES,
scrgeant-shust a few samples selected
ObLOO Co 1ttAIilOiiI. 1Id, ia, lii- oACuoC
me, but-ha, ha, hat
"What are you laughing at, Mr.. Dun
der?'' solemnly inquired the officer.
AT dose SMOKES for my almanac. Eai
ha! ha! 1t vhaS q success eaten before she
vhas oudt. | Will bring you down der first
number, n if sOmepody finds you dead
doan blame me. Say-ha! ha! ha!-Ilike
to tell you aboudt der politics of dot al
manac. She vhas going to be neutral. On
one page | vhas gOin to say DOT Cleaf1and
vhas all K. @. ind Will surely be u next
president. On der next pago I shall say
dot Cleaf1and has ruined dis country und
should shtep oudt. Dot pleases both par
ties ind makes me friends, you know. |
shall shpeak III fafor of silver on one page
Und against her on der next. She vhas
going to be 2 comic almana to please eat
erpody. Ha! ha! la"
''Yo seem to be laughing, MIR. Dun
der"
so l vhas, but please excuse me If
hear some SMOKES, [ hat to laugh. Ser
geant, MAYBE you could lend me two pho
t~ographs?"
"Of whatF"
''Vhell, one shall be q monkey und der
odder Of some buzzsaws, I make a pic
ture to put in dot almanac I hat der
monkey on dot side ind der buzzsaWs on
dis, und she Will read in big type, Ha!
ha! hal"
1T will read what?''
She vhil read, 'Doan' saw buzz nit
dot ape!' Hal! ha! ha! Goodby, sergeant.
Look oudt for me quicker"
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

EACH IRE SIX o AT THE MACHINE.
sion of 81 me- came down Apache avcnu
and turned into the front doors of the
Great West. 1t was led by jerry. Every
MAJ looked serious and was silent of
speech. They entered in single file, passed
from front door to back, and while cross
ing the room each one fred six shots at
the machine. Each n Of the 312 bullets
took effect. When the last man had pulled
trigger and passed into the alley, only a
few scraps of iron and steel were left to
represent the novelty, We understand that
Captain Burt has telegraphcd to Chicago
for d lung tester and an electric machine,
which he proposes to set up in his place
and defend with his life. If this be true,
his friends should call as early us possible
and bid him farewell, Our people might
possibly stand a lifting machine if intro
duced by a man they loved, but if Captain
Burt attempts to force the twentieth CEN
fury On this town he will go under ground
tho dCadcst man that has ever been plant
ed west Of Omaha.
EXPLANATORY.-Three or four weeks
since we stated that James Y. Griffin, the
shystcr lawyer who has an office in the
Wildcat block, had served a sentence OF
five years in Sing Sing for grand larceny.
We had no idea of holding the man up to
contempt or in any way injuring his repu-
tation. We simply wanted a five line item
to fill out a local column, and SO we made
the statement as above. 1t seems that Mr..
Griffin was greatly worked up over the
matter, bat ne did not call until one day
last weeF to explain matters. Being con-
WINGED that we ola him an %1nJusU1ce, we
hereby apologize. From papers in his pos
session we are satisfied that instead of five
years in Sing Sing for grand larceny it was
one year in a county Jail in Illinois for
stealing a calf. We somehow got Mr..
Griffin mixed up with another man. While
the matter wouldn't have hurt his reputa-
ton in the least, THE KICKER is cheer
fully willing to set him right as to facts.
The death of our agricultural editor, who
kept the records of most of our citizens,
has not only given us double work for the
last few weeks, but somewhat mixed us on
the records. In another column Of this
issue will be found an article stating that
Henry Johnson, Esq, the genial druggist
of Apache avenue, came 10 Arizona to es-
cape arrest for bigamy- If ehave made
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

He Was willing 20 Sell Enytl.in; Up to a
Whole state.

Whole state.
While the stage horses were BENZ
changed Il man who had been following
the vehicle for the las0 three miles on Il
pony bcckoHcd me aside and said:
stranger, wax You to listen to ne
Cor about two minutes. I want to sell you
a lot III Golden City"
But where is Golden City," 1 asked.
Right around here. This tavern is
about the center Of it. I haven't had it
surveyed or staked out, but it's here just
the same. I'll sell you a lot cheap"
How large are the lots?"
EThere's no limit. You can stake out an
acre, five, ten, all o van I've never
been called stirgy in my dealings. Pick
out any city lot you fancy and give me 50
for it. If you are an ambitious man, and l
think you arc, why not take enough to
make a township? I'm selling off town
ships for So apiece"
"COuldn't you sell me a county,
Just IS well as not. I own seven Of
'cm, and you can take your pick at $25
each. If you ycarn to govern, and I think
you do, buy d county and fill all the Offices
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
The Editor Describes How a Weighing Ma
chine Was Received.

ANOTHER INNOVATION.-Two weeks ago,
when Captain Burt, the popular proprietor
of the Great West saloon, restaurant and
poker room combined, called at THE KICK
Err office and said thai be un- ~n,Iu- -,
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

"HOW DOES DOT STRIKE YOU!
pody in a rainstorm. An experience of 20
years NIT handouts und clubs und shails
warrants me in saying dot I shall gift per
feet satisfaction. No cure, no pay. All
arrests made NIT der utmost shentleness
und courtesy unless otherwise ordered.
Ny fees vhas reasonable, und nopody es-
p me. Don't be put off NIT an inferior
article, but call for dot fat sergeant. Der
best has der sheapest in der end
dot vhas how she reads. sergeant. und
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19

His Book Is en- Almanac, and 1t Is Brim
Full of Jokes-Carl Gives a Few Exam
pies Of What Can lie Done In the Joke
Line.
Copyright, 1894, by Charles B. Lewis.1
Sergeant, congratulate me fife times
,und shake my hands," exclaimed Mr..
~Dunder as he rushed into the police station
the other day"
oh! It's you, ch?" quietly replied the
sergeant. "Well, what new sWindle is it
this timer
Sergeant, she vhas all right! No more
shwindles OF Carl Dunder. I hal got some
news for you-big news! l hat sold out
dot saloon pecsness und made a shangc.
Ha! ha! ha! Look at me! l vhas der
happiest man in dis town"
What about:?"
Because of that shange of peesness.
Sergeant, you Will now hear of me all
oafer dis world. Observe me. Observe dot
| shmilc. Took notice how funny / vhas.
Ask me aboudt dot shange of peesness?"
well, what have you changed tO?"
Behold me! Ivhas no longer Carl Dun
der in der saloon peesness, but Carl Dun
der who vhas going to get oudt a funny
almanac. It vhas going to be comic. 1t
shall hat lots of SMOKES. 1t shall be for
English, ShermanS, french, Scotch und
lots of onder peoples. Ha! ha! How does
dot strike your"
II didn't know you were funny"
You didn't. Ha! ha! ha! Why, ser
geant, I vhas more ash two hoonered
SMOKES all der time. You didn't know.
Oxcuse me till I wipe away dose tears"
It's going to be a comic almanac, eh?"
"She Will be SO comic dot eaferypOdy
shall cry for her. 1t won't be all comic,
however. I hall hat some weather reports
und advertisements und cures for con-
sumption. Dots What I come down to see
you aboudt. L like you to advertise in my
almanac. I shall gif you a whole page
for fife dollar, which is half price"
But what would I ADVERTISED" asked
the sergeant.
\ "Vhy, your police peesness, of course
You Will make der hit of de season. I hat
il all written oudt here. 1t says
&t'TOOK SOME NOTICE.-Dot fat police
sergeant awaits himself of dis opportunity
to inform der public dot he vhas ready to
make arrests at all hours of der day or
night, no matter What der weather may
be. No extra sharge for arresting some
T.
The Durham daily globe. (Durham, N.C.) 1889-1894, 1894-05-19
From NJ. Quad.
DUNDER'S ALMANAC.
LEAVES THE SALOON BUSINESS
AND BECOMES A PUBLISHER.

His Book Is en- Almanac, and It Is Brim
Full of Jokes-Carl Gives a Few Exam
pies Of What Can he Done In the Joke
Line.
Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1894-03-24
which was TO be her Ynture home.

WHICH WaS DC DeF IutUFS 0OIuSs
..What is it, my dear, that he has walked
you up sol said her mother; for the lame
girl. instead of sitting oil day long. as had
been her habit, now moved up and down
the room. held herself very erect, and
asked If IL showed when she was not
walking.
Her simple dress was now rarely with
out a knot Of dainty ribbon, and her beau
tiful hair was arranged most becomingly.
Everyone noticed the change. and even
her birds and beetles had an entirely diff
ferent air.
Yes, the young girl was very happy.
For some days Frank had talked of an
excursion into the country and a. papa"
always good. always generous, made no
objection, they started early on Sunday
morning.
You may imagine the anxiety with which
Dora retired the night before. When the
girl opened her window at six o'clock. and
saw the sweetness and freshness of the
morning. and Of the trees, the fields, the
flowers. that she had not seen for so long,
and that she was TO behold that day
again on the arm Of the person dearest to
her in the world, tears filed her eyes.
The evening before, Frank had brought
her dainty silk umbrella with an ivory
handle; and the girl had carefully ar
ranged every detail Of her simple costume.
The result was altogether charming.
At nine o'clock exactly Frank appeared
in carriage. He sprang lightly up the
stairs to summon his guests. Dora came
down without any assistance save that OF
the railing. Mrs. DE Lacy followed close
behind. watching her daughter carefully.
We're De Lacy himself, a new o, ercoat
folded on his arm. stood 1T the carriage.
door
Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1894-03-24
COCkNEYlSMS.
How the Queens Eaglish IL Slaughtered
by Certain OF Her subj scts.

1t is canon CT belief with many
persons that the cockney leaves out
The letter I'll" where YOU aud l put il
in, and that he puts 1t in where we
leave il out. 1t Is true that now and
again the aspirate is scattered indis.
criminately and bewilderiugly. but as
a rule. says the 81. James Gazette
(London), it is lazily ignored. The
cockney invariably drops the linal @g"
and he is given 10 run one word into
another. wherein he all unknowingly
apes the example of his betters. the ex-
ample of the needless smart" who i'm
lazy slipshod English could barely af.
ford to give him points. Note how
perilously close are the renderings Of
did you have much fun!" Smart:
@D'joo av much fun?" Cockney: -Jev
much funr Advsrbs he persists in
turning into adjcclives: did you
have the face ache badly?" he will
render, .Jev The jaw-rike bed?" Under
other circumstances he will turn "face'
into "head." Il towld i'm sow to 'is
ed" A collection OF such perversions
might prove entertaining.
With the cockneyest OF cocknsys
sucn word rs much" becomes
"metch"-"'Ow metch is it?" Here 10
sentence noted at the time in crush
OF people coming away from show
where the sports had been signaled BY
gun firing. Mother: "Wozh yer
frahtened wen o fahd the gen?" Child:
snow, all lahked it,"
To hear cockney we must 60 to the
streets or mix with the careless pleas
ure-bent masses on bank holiday.
And we must listen heedfully, for
peculiarities in people with whom one
is more or less constantly in contact
are apt 10 remain unnoticed. When
-'Erry Jowns" talks OF his unmarried
sister as Jemima Wren one NAV be
forgiven il it dawn but slowly that
the lady's name is Jemima Jones aud
that Wren stands for Ann. A country
cousin viii return from q ramble iu
London streets full OF astonishment
and bubbing over with choice speci-
mems OF cockney vernacular. where
from lac derives innocen, aud lasting
amusement.
Show an average cockney some
phonetically rendered cocknsy isms on
paper, and he will tell you that no one
speaks like that, but the exact form Of
disclaimer will probably be: "Now.
body dowd't speak lahk thet."
Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1894-03-24
MlscHlEvOus ROBERT.
'srhs Vicar OF Morwsnstews" aud ais
Franks.

Robert 5. Hawkes.. always known a.
-the vicar of Morwenstowe.' ahd q
poet Of no mean ability, was brought
up by his grandfather. very learned
and religious man. la the church
where this old gentleman preached the
evening service always closed with the
hymn, Lord. dismiss US with thy
blessing which was composed by DR..
Hawkes. himself. His grandson. who
did not know the authorship Of the
hymn. came to the doctor one day
with paper in his hand, saying:
grandfather, don't altoyet Their like
that hymn. Lord. dismiss us with Thy
blessing think it might be I'M.
proved in meter and language, aud
that it would be better if it were some
what longer"
"Oh, indeed!" said Dr. Hawkes.. red
dening. And pray, Robert. what im-
provements commend themselves to
your precocous wisdomo'
This is my improved version said
Robert. and he read aloud a very
creditable hymn, after which he re-
peated the old version, saying inno-
Gently. This one is crude and fiat;
don't you tliuk SO. grandfather"
"Crude and fiat. sir! Young pup
py, it is mine. | wrote that hymn!
-Oh, l beg your pardon. grandfa'
ther! didn't know that. It's very
nice hymn, indeed. but" as he went
out of the door-"mine is bettcr.'
Some people think he was right in
his Judgment, though not, perhaps, in
expressing 1t.
Such mischieyous fellow was Rob
ert that the parish clerk once exclaim-
ed:
Il don't care whether | ring the
bells on the kings birthday. but il
never touch the ropes again. I'll give
peal when Robert goes to school and
leaves Stratton folks In peace"
Il don't care how it is said his
brc.her one day. but when 60 ou,
nutting with Robert he gets all the
nuts; when 90 rabbiting he gets all
the rabbits, and when we 60 out fish.
ing together, he catches all the fish.
Come with me fishing tomorrow.
said Robert. "and see ii you don't have
luck.
Next day he slyly fastened red
herring to his brothers hook. "There!'
he exclaimed when it was drawn out
OF the water, ~you are twice as lucky
rs am! NV fish are all raw and yours
are ready cleaned. smoked aud salted"
Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1894-03-24

Many times women call on their family
physicians, suffering, es they imagine, one
from dyspepsia, another from heart disease,
another from liver or kidney disease, another
from nervous exhaustion, or prostration,
another with pain here and there, and in
this way they all present, alike 20 themselves
and their easy going and indifferent, or over
busy doctor, separate and distinct diseases,
for which he prescribes bis pills and potions,
assuming them TO be such, when, in reality,
then are all only symptoms caused by some
womb disorder. The physician, ignorant Of
the cause Of suffering, encourages his practice
until large bills are made The suffering
patient gets no better, but probably worse
by reason Of the delay, wrong treatment and
consequent complications. A proper medi-
cine, Ike DR.. Pierce's Favorite Prescription,
directed TO the cause would have entirely
removed the disease, thereby dispelhng all
those distressing symptoms and instituting
comfort instead Of prolonged misery.
The lady whose portrait heads this article
Is Mrs. Ida Coventry, # Huntsville, Logan
County, Ohio She ha1 n experience which
We viii permit her 20 relate in her own
language. II illustrates the foregoing. She
writes - had female weakness very
bad-in bed most Of the time, dragging
down pains through my back and hips no
! appetite no energy. The family physician
: was treating me for liver complaint '.
| did not get any better under that treatment
SO thought would try DR. Pierce's Favorite
| Prescription and his Golden Medical Dis
c6very' I felt better before / used one
bottle Of each. / continued their use until
| took six bottles OF each. In three months
/ time felt 50 well did not think il necessary
| to take any more. In childbirth it does
! what DR. Pierce recommends it TO do
lessons the pain and perils TO both mother
and child and shortens labor. would hk,
to recommend DR.. Pierce's Extract of Smart
Weed 70 those who have never tried it i
surely is the best thing Tor cholera morbus
or pain in the stomach I ever used it work
like a charm. try never TO be without it.
The following is from Mrs. Harriet Hards
| Of Montpelier, Idaho: Il have enjoyed bet
ter health since began treatment with DIR
Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1894-03-24
SOMEBODY swlPED ME PANTS, sEE3.

SsoMEBoDY swlPED NE PANTS, sEE3'
Slivers, the artist, the other evening.
Say, boss, said he, Il amt goin' TO
sing you no tale OF woe, but somebody
swiped me pants
Your what" exclaimed the aston
ished Slivers.
"Me pants, said the man. you see,
II was dis way. Me and me partner
was sleepin' in the lodgin'-h house down
here and some bloke swiped me pants.
I've got on me partners and me part
ner's in bed. Can't you stake e fellow
to a par?"
"Well, that's a new one, said Slivers.
at seems worth the price Of pair of
/ trousers Come up to my den and sec
il can suit you"
The unfortunate man rode up in the
elevator, warmed his hands at the steam
coil, selected pair of trousers that
Slivers had discarded because the
pockets were not deep enough-this not
being an objection in the beggars c:se
and went down again, leaving kis
thanks and those of his partner as pay
ment in full.
Slivers doesn't know yet whether tho
man was honest. and he doesn't care.
Whenever he finds anything new un-
der the sun he is willing to pay for it.