The Helena independent. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1875-1943, 1894-02-12

uiuhtf thiAcf Nuoa hlh evening transformer F
from an occasion Of pleasure into one Of .
torture through consciousness Of the fact /
that he Is likely 10 be- called out nt Ray mo- I
mont being introduced by the toastssiNster .
with the words which will make ldm most .
uncomfortable, and with dozen or score
OF bright fellows sitting round waiting a
chance 70 interrupt, 20 roast and 20 guy
BIN. An ordeal like this Is likely 10 make .
even the hardest Of dinner campaigners
nervous. and d. Is a fact that men who I'M
der ordinary circumstances make bright
speeches, with self confidence and aplomb,
humble AMI halt and hesitate when facing
these newspaper inquisit0rs
The man who hesitates " lost. The
speaker who mumbles a word. who halta
longer than Is required 10 catch bis breath,
will find his ears assaiiod with cries Of ''Sit
DOWN. II be attempts 10 tell n story which
most OF the crowd have heard before, the
first pause will be taken advantage Of by
the roasters 20 strike up;
Oh, what a chestnut. what chestnut, what a
chestnut, just nowl
slightly Discournging.
The man who starts of with the remark,
"Air. President, yon will scarcely expect
me TO make a long speech at this time Of
the night" is sure 20 be hailed with: "No,
we do not Sit DOWN. The unfortunate
speaker who spars for breath by filling in
with, "What shall I say" is sure 10 hear
the response, sharp and quick, Nothing"
The orator who falls TO talking about him
sell and what he has done is only laying up
"a store OF wrath for himself There was "A
case Ia point at a recent dinner. A young
official who has made "A peculiar success IN
his post, and who tx well liked, thought 10
improve tho opportunity for sounding his
own bazoo little. He proceeded to tell Of
various things that he had done. giving
quite list Of his accomplishments. and was
about 20 extend this indefinitely when cor
respondent with strong lungs INTERCEPTED
the following:
That's all right, but did you ever qultf"
This sally was greeted with such a roar
OF laughter that under its cover the young
official thought lac would do well to take
the hint and sat down.
The after dinner speaker who makes the
best Roadway is one who accepts the situa-
tion as il appears and becomes "a rooster
on his own account. The man who praises
1 the newspapers, or who passes around com
pliments for the club, Is sure to be grOaned
into misery. But the orator who launches
out into all the abuse he can think Of, with
newspaper men and the press generally as
| his victims, il sure 10 be well received.
/ The liveler this TRADE the more bitter and
! effective, the better the olubmen like IL.
| They w. sit as calm as oysters and take
their medicine, or, il commenting at all,
/ exclaiming: That's the stuff" "IIit US
/ againW you're all right" This point
may be of service to men who have never
attended one Of these big dinners, and who
may some day be called upon TO stand their
roasting.
Refinement of Cruelty.
! At recent big dinner Of one OF these
clubs the menu cards bore "A long list Of
toasts Among those assigned to speak on
conventional topics, like THE Ladies, +"
"rhe Capital City" THE President" etc,
were members of the cabinet, senators and
representatives. These men had had no prior
notice of what was expected Of them. As
soon as the oysters were served they looked
at their menus and found that they were in
for il. At once, as is human nature, they
began thinking over what they would say.
] CHANGED TO sit beside one of these victims,
and though ordinarily one of the brightest
/ OF conversationists not a word could /
get out Of him He was eating in me
chanical sort of way and chewing the cud
Of meditation, running over in his mind
the stories which he used 10 tell and trying
10 bring TO the front, on some sort of pretext
or other the jokes which he once success
fully cracked.
My friend and neighbor passed a most
uncomfortable evening. So did the six or
eight other gentlemen who were in the same
category. Every minute they expected TO
be called out. But at last the hour of mid
night had arrived and not one of them had
been called upon. Then the toast master
announced that owing to the lateness Of
the hourit would be necessary to postpone
these speeches till the next annual dinner,
and thus, after being kept on the gridiron
Of suspense for four long hours, the poor
victims were permitted TO escape into the
night air, where they could cool their fe-
vered brows. OF course there never had been
the slightest intention Of calling upon them
to respond TO the printed toasts The whole
scheme had been arranged as refinement
Of cruelty which only newspaper CORE
spondent could be guilty Of
Two GaveI Taps.
II is a serious question if The roasting"
dinner has not had its day. The process
makes great fun for the club and for those
guests who know they are not likely to be
called out, but it Is death TO the other fell