The Pascagoula democrat-star. (Pascagoula, Miss.) 1878-1920, 1894-08-24
A SPICY LETTER,

Our Cupldin III. uc"u WIN slot III HIS urcust'
A SPICY LETTER.
Not long ago a certain young lady
advertised for a husband in Il leading
paper-and this is the prize she drew
Miss WANTING A HUsBAND-I have
read your notice in the paper wanting
a specie of the male gender dcn0mi-
mated man, for 4 husband, thinking
that | might possibly be the very
article that you are in search of, !
take the liberty to send you pen
picture Of my manly perfecti0ns.
In a few words, | am built on the
''hitched" plan, more bone than meat,
but with hoopskirts in my pants, and
heavy wadding in my coat | get there
as a well made man. have an unde-
cided cast of features, my eyes are
large and protruding - one has a
"catch me if you can" wink-whilc
the other has a vacant stare; color
Slightly mixed. My head is as hair
less as "a billiard ball, my nose is in
clined to turn heavenward my ears
are descendants Of the donkey's; my
mouth is open-faced, lips rather thick,
complexion satfrOn-tinted at present
Il Travelled several years in side show
as the spotted man from Siberia, but
after taking Smiths billed beans the
spots all ran into one another, and l
lost my position). My teeth look like
headstones in country graveyard !;
my hands are large and have bristles
on the back, my feet also are large
and noted for ingrowing nails and
soft corns. neither smoke nor drink,
therefore, my breath has fragrance
that lingers-i. c. it beats the smell Of
limbergcr cheese by one or two points.
am not a spring chicken, | am old
enough to know that misiit marriage
beats a misht coat. l have never
been sued for breach of promisc-never
had any one die Of love for me-always
pay my debts-never forget to wash
my fect-and always attend Sunday
school. / have all the virtues OF a
railroad man-while at the same time
| have all the qalities of saloon.
keeper. No doubt you will be pleased
to hear something of my ancestors.
My father died very suddenly, he stood
under tree one day, and a rope fell
down on his neck and drew him up
before his time. The people thought
so much OF him that his death was
published in papers all over the world.
My mother was noted as a poultry
raiser, she raised the finest chickens
in the whole country, when the old
hens wouldn't sit on the eggs and
hatch 'em Out-shc would, and she
hatched out more chickens than any
hen she had; she lived long enough to
have triplets, and then she died con-
tented. l have an only brother who
will spend the rest of his days in exile,
and wear stripes-because he was
born with power to take what be-
longed to others. had a sister whu
thought life was failure, because she
was an old maid, she made her bosom
rise and fall like the waves on the
ocean with half a bale of cotton and a
couple of wire springs-she gradually
dried up to next to nothing-and fell
a victim to the piles. So you see !
stand all alone in the world, like a big
sunhower noddlng in the breeze. |
make my living by writing for the
newspapers, and doing odd jobs around
the town, oftimes my stomach col.
lapses like an empty pocketbook.
Have Travelled extensively-b0th by
land and water, and mostly on foot.
In conclusion l will say, II you are a
widow with large bank account will
be tlckled to death to hear from you,
or il you are a tender eyed duckie OF
sweet sixteen and feel the symptoms
OF first love creeping up and down
your spinal column-just telegraph
| me a return ticket TO your town at
once, but II you are a withered old
spinster left dried on the family tree,
and have spent the best years Of your
life carcsslng empty pants-you need
not write, for wouldn't spit at you,
much less write to YOU
Yours, wanting a Wife,
JOHN SMITH.
|