Waterbury evening Democrat., 1894-02-06

JUST FROM AFRICA.
but generally the post mortem showed
that instead Of wisdom it was appendi-
citiS Here in England l find cases of
the same kind among the higher grades
OF mammalia.
Professor Garner, as an English friend
Of mine said this morning, has gdrnered
,~i,l a good deal of knowledge regarding
the monkey tribes AMI their dialects.
/ tiulu,ytE. aS til" reader will see, is
play on the nam" Garner and is rather
Ingenious l think: not half bad. really.
The mnnkrv OF southern Africa, it
seems. j. III favor of African slavery,
while. the northern monkey is an aboli-
ZIONIST | dill not know this until Pro
/ f,-~Sor Garner told me about it. The
/ northern monkey believes in making of
! thr African Il man and brother, but
does not want his daughter to be a sister
- him Tnr southern monkey believes
that tine Africans nose, such as it is,
/ should H., counted for congressional rep
r,.~rutution. bat that his political influ-
enc. S.ruld - no further.
Professor Garner also SAYS that mon
keys have rtvivals of religion and re-
ll,>,.~ into sin. He believes that all mon
KEYS are horn in sin. and that even the
very smallest and newest born who die
before their ewes are opened, unless they
have come ONT from the world and led a
better life are lost.
Politically the monkey Is a MuGwump
the professor SAWS. and believes in absO-
luxe purity al tn" polls. lie talks great
heal oh lh~ subject and then on election
dtv -,~-~ ,.uc"auuttiu-s, leaving the ballot
box in the hands of the gorilla. who is
| lsrr"wu u hr corrupt.
Socially the monkey enjoys life to the
, tull ami drinks the cup Of earthly Joys
L. it, very ,lrcL~. Some tribes. says Pro
t,.~~or Garner. have morals. They at
tract Il great deal of attention among the
other monkey tribes.
The la t.w years the chimpanzeeS
have ma .eat strides in the matter of
education. md what they call advanced
methods Corporal punishment has been
abandoned. and teachers who get drunk
and fall off the perch during prayers are
expelled The gorilla colleges are now
running more 10 athletics, Professor Gar
Her says, especially pusilsm and foot
ball. \ photograph of Il gorilla football
gosh hair IS one of the sweetest pictures
Professor Garner has brought home with
him.
PuGilism. however. Is the favorite
branch of the whole curriculum, the
branch from which, us l may say, the
monkey longs to hang by his tail. Even
after the tail has become merely rudi-
meutarv with the monkey, pugilism is in
the senior year.
The gorilla advanced method of ed
ucation has for its motto, Avoid the
rush till the proper moment; then mix
things" DR.. Garner had the misfortune
to be present when a middle aged goril-
Ia. class Of y. while taking postgrad-
nate course. had the i'll fortune to break
his neck. He got his diploma just be-
hind the subma1illary gland, followed
by a mark of good conduct under the
chin.
Last Sabbath l began here the pleas
ant duty of attending all the London
churches at the rate of three per day, but
learning that there are 500 government
churches and 600 nonconformist l gave
it up and went to the Geological gardens,
where | could see the speckled hyena
and hear him squeal through the fence.
see very little difference between the
noncOnfOrmist churches, save that some
use more literary prayer, while others
raise the temperature of hell 10 to 10 de-
grees. Otherwise the general good work
goes bravely on. and semifeminine rec
tors in we'll Numbered stoles offer elocu-
tionary reprint to feminine congrega-
tiOns. while wicked men send their con-
tributions by messenger boy and remain
unregenerate. Why is this?
1t is Il serious question. Why should
man. who stands in more dire and terri
BILE need of reform and the development OF
his better nature than woman, be SC
poorly represented on Sunday at church;
The clergyman says it is the Sunday pa
per, and the Sunday paper says it is 8
mighty dull clergyman who cannot make
himself more interesting than the Sun
day paper. Possibly it is because in many
instances the paper deals directly with
human events, while the sermon is the
aftermath of library.
The Queerest sensation l experience il
visiting the old world, coming as 1 Dc
fresh as a dewy cowslip from the new
is that l am surrounded on all sides by
historic things. and l feel like chrome
on the walls of the Vatican.
Here. there and everywhere, wherever
the glad rests, the wanderer is greeted
by walls that have echoed back the
tread of our barbarian ancestors, who II
their coonskin clothes, and also in theil
cups. spilled wassail down their hairy
Threats and bewhiskered bosoms, ant
getting gay threw their well gnawed
bones into the loose straw that covered
the dining room floor, shot the squealing
shote with hickory crossgun as he tried
to eat off the sideboard, and then, full o.
remorse and Rhenish wine, keeled ove1
and slept in the rye straw under the ia
BILE with the other swine.
When look back at my ancestry,
get so mad to think that the Chinam2I
is permitted to come to America that
can hardly contain myself.
But ] diverge.
Here, as I pass along the streets witt