Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1894-09-28
HERE AMI THERE.

l am deeply impressed with the in.
tense magnitude of the benefit which
Auditor Porter has been to the state
during the past two years. Aud 30, it
may be remarked, is Auditor Porter.
Down at jamestown q day OF so. ago,
Mr.. Porter and Editor Kellogg of the
jamestown Alert elaborated, and pre-.
pared a detailed balance sheet of the do
ings of Mr.. Porter and his administra.
ton, with q large balance in favor Of Mr..
Porter. AS fast as the auditor could
enumerate the blessings which he had
assisted in comforting upon the state, MI.
Kellogg took 'em down. It was hard on
Mr.. Kellogg. too. The perspiration roll
led down MS face in huge streams, and
collected in large puddles on the carpet.
He wrote with each hand and his right
foot, while Mr.. Porter detailed in un-
broken succession, the choice collection
OF tid-bits which had poured down the
throats of the people, under his judicious
supervision, and even her Kellogg was
23.462 blessings, 1852 benefits, 1926 adj
vantages and TAG gains behind, when
Auditor Porter had finished and had
wiped the mouthpiece of his horn and
hung it up on a convenient spike. After
the session had been finished, the Alert
Office was surrounded by several humid
red persons, who were picking up a few
Thousand blessings which had stopped
over, and were leaking out through the
brick walls into the street.
I would not like to be mixed up with
Kentucky politics. In fact, I always dust
over the printed reports of Kentucky
primaries and caucuses very carefully
with an antiseptic powder, before read
ing, and then hold the paper at a dis
lance of several feet, grasping it gently,
yet firmly, with a pair of tongs. 1t is
much safer to adopt this plan, and one
is not in SO much danger from the vitri-
Ole and violent campaign speeches,
which have sometimes to be printed on
asbestos by the large daily papers. In
my imagination, a Kentucky caucus is
always closely associated with horrid
visions of bowie knives and horse pistols.
may be wrong, and the caucuses
aforesaid may be distributing centers
for weekly Sunday school lessons, and
tracts, and neatly printed copies of the
golden rule, done in gilt and gold, but if
they are, I cannot bring myself to be-
lieve it. Since the Breckenridge prim-
aries, the political feeling in Kentucky
seems more strained than ever, and I
read with alarm that only yesterday
Desha Breckenridge and another promi-
nent politician became engaged In an ar
gument, wherein Desha made some tell
ing points with long, curved bladed
bowie knife, and the other man lost
three fingers and a chip from one of his
ribs in the course of the discussion. I
was never able to discover any great
beauty in the carving-k knife style of ar
gument,which is so general in Kentucky,
and l feel sure that were I running on an
opposition ticket to one of these experi-
enced politicians, I should leave the
country quietly and unostentatiously, by
night if possible, and forward a card to
my supporters that I felt it my duty to
withdraw.
Affairs occurrent in the temporary
enlargement of China and Japan are
aI
warming up a little as the days go by,
with the Islanders slightly in the lead.
This is attributed largely by Mr.. P. D.
Armour of Chicago to the fact that the
Japanese army is supplied with canned
beef from Mr.. Armour's packing houses,
and the Emperor Of Japan is even now
preparing a testimonial as to the efficacy
OF the Armour brand Of canned beef in
the matter, Of developing Drawn and
muscle of a Chinese-killing quality
about Is karats fine. One can of beet,
such as Mr.. Armour concoots, is equal
to the ~disintegration of four Chinese
soldiers, and in the recent engagement
wherein 10000 Of the Celestial army
~ 0AAA0N A0oAAy OIL 0AOAAO SAdAA1Oou VI
Mr.. Armour's beef was consumed by
the Japanese just before they vent into
conflict. Each time the Japs get q fresh
consignment of the beef, Iii Hung
Chang, the Chinese Viceroy manages to
lose q battle and one Of his ~favorlte feat
ures, almost at the same time. For in
order to insure q proper interest in at
fairs of war, on the part of his cabinet
officers, the Emperor of China has es-
tablished q schedule Of punishments to
be inflicted, in case his troops are de-
feated. II the defeat is not q very
serious one, and the dead do not exceed
5000 or SO. the emperor contents him
self with removing n of Changes ears,
or perhaps a toe, or evsn 9 finger. If
the loss runs up to 10000, one Of
Changes eyes, and q few finger.nails
thrown in for good measure, are required
to appease the wrath Of the emperor.
When 5000 to 10000 troops are slain,
II 0Lo~ - ---&@as