Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1894-08-16
A SAD TALE OF WOE.
Strange Experiences of Texas
Newspaper Man.
from Tyler, Tex, Harpoon.


was once the proud owner and per-
petrator of a great cosmopolitan weekly
the Lampasas Dispatch-and like
every other young and ambitious editor
plunged into the journalistic maelstrom
with more confidence than brains, and
less money than either. My salutatory
was a bouquet of rich and rare exotics,
plucked from fields of fancy and inter
spersed with bright and witty little bon
mots, worth about sixty cents per mot.
Many moons have waxed and waned
since L penned that glowing literary
gem and sent it flying to my ~ paying
subscribers and 1173 dead heads, but /
must say that l am not SO proud of it
as | once was.
My first resolution was to print a
paper that would please the great throb-
bing public-not a portion of the peo-
pie, but all of them. | soon discovered
that | had a government contract on
hand. The second issue 1 printed con-
tanned an editorial entitled, Ibid John
the Baptist baptize by Immersion?o
and every Methodist subscriber dropped
his paper. The next week / wrote an
able leader headed, "Campmeeting the
Safe Guard of our Country" and the
Baptists stopped their papers, but the
Methodists all called around and re-
newed their subscriptions. | had con-
siderable more trouble with all the
religious denominations, but managed
to keep the full membership of some
one of the local churches on my books.
MY next trouble arose with the adver-
tisers, and desiring to live at peace
with God and all mankind, [ agreed to
"trade OUT every advertisement in the
paper.
Before the first twelve months were
out my advertising "orders" were used
like street car tickets at all the stores,
and were quoted according to their
market value.
At last the patent medicine man
came along, and 1 secured 1000 editor
ial Puff cigars and twelve dozen quarts
of Zulu Rock and Rye" These cigars
were natural curiosities. / held an arl-
topsy over one and found nearly every
ingredient known to the scientific
world underneath it's Early York wrap
per. NV foreman, Mr.. Sam Doty,
drank bottle of the Rock and Rye on
the ninth day of August, and was too
mas edition.
next secured, through an agency
a big ad for the "Cayote Sheep
Dip 3 warranted to cure the ills that
sheep are heir to, from "scab" to "hol-
low horn In payment received SO
gallons of said Dip, which l tried to
work off on the Western Newspaper
Union at Dallas and the printers, but it
wouldn't work. I gave sheep man
five gallons to try it, and in few days
received the following note:
Mr.. X. Lamity:
SIR like practical jokers, but you
please me too well. / considered you
nv friend, and when you gave me five
gallous of "Cayote Sheep Dip l
thought you gentleman. | have now
torn the mask from your Mardi Gras
face. and know your true character.
RELYING on your word, prepared vat
of your so-called "Cayote Sheep Dip"
in which to dip some fine Merino sheep.
The first sheep that was thrown in sunk
to rise no more, while the second one
made it out on the other side, leaving
his whole fleece floating on the treacher-
ous concoction, and fled across the field
as naked as a newborn babe. / will see
YOU later. SNAP BEAN.
Thus it will be seen that trouble
flowed in thick and fast, and in a mo-
ment of desperation / fled eastward,
hoping and trusting, like Noah's dove,
to find soft spot on which to rest my
weary hoof But alas! how vain are all
human expectations. started out So
Letting advertisements, and the first
man tackled said:
"Well, I don't mind, if you'll take it
out in trade"
He was tombstone dealer, and
turned and fled from the spot.