Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-10-28
DEAR LITTLE BABES.
THE IpLeR EXPRESSES HIMSELF AS
BITTERLY OPPOSED TO INFANTS.
A Fair Correspondent Sends Flowers and
COMMUNICATIONS About
Her Habits and Tastes.

A Fair Correspondent Sends Flowers and
MISUNDERSTANDING About
Her Habits and Tastes.
n ia humlliatlng to me to attempt 70
foI,ow I'm the honored footsteps OF so dis
t,nruished writer as Jerome X. Je-
rome. and yet / have an Irresistible de-
sire 10 touch upon subject which he
has beautifully treated. The subject in
ouestIon a. Babies and when / say
,vould like to touch upon them l mean
that 1 would like to touch upon them
with n switch, or slipper; Tor, truly.
tbev show more natural cussedness Tor
their ages than any class of mortals out
side OF our penitentiaries. hightiy mas
,,a moo, sung. "The Hand That Rocks
tho Cradle ia the Hand That Rules the
World" for by this he means that n
nerson who can successfully manipulate
a cradle and keep the younBster therein
o,,,o, "a nothing short OF second Ma
,o,oop Tho theory OF infants Is beau
tiful. but agree with the respected dur
fer who said that "a babe Is an angel
whose wings decrease as his legs IN
orooe." And right here let me add That
,ho Increase of infantile legs has become
alarming In my household. and we nave
long ceased attempting TO name then''
Thev are known numerically now-that Is,
the babies, and not their leGS-ahd we
sneak OF NO @" and mo. D., ana NO.
g" lust as baseball scorers talA @poue
the players In the language oil HsuieS.
Our last girl. contrary 10 cNprc'd'ioIS
and much TO our disgust turned out ID
On hoy and he IS so ashamed OF II
not no has been blushing for a month";
70 ,here weren't seven others around my
~ I would say he was the ilnest bapy
o oor,h but under the circumstances
cannot precipltate a domestic turmoil.
The little fellow gives 20 much promise
and has shown so much strength Ok
cbaracter that almost dare 10 nope tntI
soroo dav ne may be assigned to a posi-
,ta,, on the "'Varsity" football team
,r,,st am not too ambitious about me
hov--it's natural for US TO expect s'e"'
things of them.
Tho deferential manner in which new
hobies are treated Is something tnhI l
have never fully UNDERSTOOD nor 40 l
ever hope TO be able TO uiluei S'ti'-' L.
whenever | near that our P''t'.t,,,
,atia has been increased by the ADDITION
~ ono Of the aforementioned mum Ea1s'
I,ortbr.ith leave home and stay tneretrom
,,ntu tho younester has ceased 10 De Il
uorder for during the perlod ne Is Oh
dress parade | am treated with scorh "
female visitors and regarded with con-
,ernpt because I do not JOIN WIN thein
I'm expressions OF admiration cou,.
etand IL all, however, II strangers ulr
NOT invariably say that the newcomer
Ia,,ornd mo This Is more than / can
hear To be likened unto fiimsy gela-
tinous. blear-eyed, bald-headed, squshy,
rcd- faced brat is awful | shall turn out
whiekers to avoid such comparisons IN
tho future. When II comes 10 handing
an infant I use as many precautions as
would in lifting up a snappng-turt!~ Oh
Undertaking 10 caress a crab. IL - az
WAYS hest to be careful, for they preah
very easily. II you 80 TO pat inc NIUE
buffers on their heads. their SKULLS VIZ -
cave in on you like an egg-sheil' ana II
Won undertake to set them on your Knee
theIr IittIe backbones az they have any
are so weak that they fall right over
ond double I'D like a horseshoe. You
carnot Uft them up by their hair. because
thev have none; nor can you moist the'h
Inv their feet. because their pedal extreme
ties are hidden in dress ten ieet iohs
Nowadays, when circumstances coIhpTt
me TO come in contact with an INFANT
do so through the medium or tho lohsS'
To tell the truth. l never feei III! Hlle-
riorlty so much as when am IN tHe' Pr
cnca OF "A baby. They awe me, anu the
,arderer their age the more my awe. Man
us not horn 10 shine IN a nursery Tex
cent when he himself IL BABY ana
General Lew Wallace has beautifully
said OF the weaker sex that Cod hol
being able TO appear on earth' mas SCI.
rs mothers. The worst part apout al
this business is that Christmas Il com
ing. and that on the night OF the -tu'
my mantelpiece will Dr. decorated WIN
Juvenile socks and stockings until 1t LOOKS
like a clothes-line.
NV last mail. besides the usual compll-
ments Of my tailors brought me a mite
package which stirred up quite a breeze
Of sentimentality In my manly bosom anu
made me sigh at my ineligibllity Tor ma
trimonial overtures. In the package was
a small box full Of beautiful paper now
ers-carnations-an with tho arthclai
blossoms was a dainty note to the lale
Reporter" which POLITICALLY ran as lo.-
lows:
,
goat for paper-nOwers, | take pleasure IN
sending YOU a few carnations. They are
sent after reading your spicy sayings IN
sundays DISPATCH. Thinking II you re-
fuse them, your goat might relish good
meal. ! am,
"Respectfully, YOUNG LADh'
Nor knowing the author, who must no.
cessarily be as pretty as the flowers she
enclosed, take this occasion to publicly
thank her. and TO add word Of encour-
agement TO all friends who feel disposed
to send anonymous contributions TO me.
4 barrel Of -four al this juncture would
not be rejected with scorn and in r.
sponse to a popular question do you
wear pants?" / mildly suggest that | do,
and that even as the hart panteth for the
cooling waters, so | pant for new pants
AT this season. Although nay fair CORE
spondent did not sign her name 10 ner
letter. I have found out many things con-
corning her. l shall proceed 10 show, 4 In
Sherlock Holmes, how ] have made my
discoveries about her. She Is domestic,
because she enclosed the flowers in Il
Clark's O. y. Y. specification box, ana
doubt not that at this very moment she
is engaged In stitching. despite the fact
that il Is Sunday. II | knew her address
| would send her a button and get her 10
sew q winter oVcrcOat on Il. just as The
tramp requested the lady to do. She is
aesthetic. because she makes paper-fow-
ers. and because She writes with n fine
pointed pen, which IS contrary 10 the
usual custom Of her sex, who use
stubs and think that ink. and not En-
glish composition, is what makes the let
ter. She is pretty, because a "young
lady" has no right TO b. otherwise. amt
she knows what's what" because she
uses the words spicy sayings" Any man
who belongs - a club will tell you what
spicy sayings" are. They are the bright,
witty % remarks which how so freely at
that juncture when IL is necessary TO
eat spice IN order to avoid trouble when
you get home. Spice is far more essen
tial after you have destroyed mint-juleps
unto the third and fourth generation than
are crackers and cheese after an eight
course dinner. In concluding, [ will ada
that Young Lady, is pleased with NY
sex, and likes boys. l know this. because
she makes u flatterinS allusi0n to NY
goat, which shows she Is fond Of the
kids" No. sweet unknown, my goats
interior Will know not OF the gariandF
you have tossed me. Rather let me weave
them, like laurels. around my placid brow,
and appear before the admiring public
even as lamb wreathed for the sacrif-
cial altar.