The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1894-03-02
THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED.
He Didn't Know Himself why the Drugs
Cured and Couldn't Tell.

1t began in this way. Col. --. late
of the Indian army, valued patient
and good friend, with no other vice
than mania for inquiring into the
why and wherefore of things, consulted
me about certain symptoms of govt
that were causing him some anxiety,
and I, having run him through the
gamut of questions without which no
consultation is supposed to be COM
plete, prescribed for him. The seventh
morning after-a morning destined to
be fatal to my future peace of mind
he turned up again, cured, buoyant,
grateful, but, alas! curious.
"You know, old man." he COM
menced, that from child have been
cursed with a brutal analytical mania,
and | have come to ask you Tin pure
ly friendly SPIRIT a few questions
about this wonderful prescription of
yours that has SO completely cured me-"
He slowly drew the thing from his
pocket. ~ should not take this liber-
ty," he continued, ''were / not aware
of the fact that medicine is of all sci
ences the least mysterious and the most
aboyeboard."
I was beginning to feel little I'M
comfortable, when having carefully
read the paper, he launched QUIT
notice there are here seven distinct
drugs. Now, will you kindly start by
telling me if in combination they act
with their seven different potentiali-
ties unimpaired, or, by mixing them,
are you aiming at some new salt that
holds in solution the unaltered capac-
ity of each?"
BY this time had broken out into a.
cold perspiration, and, rising from my
chair, / asked him if he would excuse
me while / went to the dining-room
for some matches. Returning, / sat
down with the emphasis of
man who means it, and
with some deliberation said: ~
think So" He frowned his dissa tisfac-
ton, and SO, by way of parenthesis,
added: II need scarcely remind you, a
man of science, that where perfect
chemical compounds, in contradistinc-
ton to mechanical mixtures, depend
for their amalgamation entirely upon
eXosmosis, the atomical,ef Efficacy of each
alkaloid mus remain always in the in
verse ratio of its specific gravity"
lie followed we without an effort,
and smiling his thanks, continued:
"Quite so, quite so; but now tell which
of these seven drugs cured me. Do you
mind going for one moment into de-
tails? will take first this one" (he
read it with cruel slowth): "'Potas.
lodi Now to what class of drugs, if
any, does this belong? Never mind
me, old fellow; speak out" did, eau
tiously but courageously.
Its an Alternative"
al beg your pardon?"
IAN Alternative"
(Which means?'
Something that alters"
"Alters what?"
"Well. look here, cOlonel-I will de-
scend to the level of the lay mind-it
alters your diathesis"-
my Up
Your diathesis: which means sim
ply the long reverberating mountain
echo of inherent tendencies, the whis-
pered curse of progenators that had
curdled your urates and rendered your
phosphates luminous-you follow me?'
lie nodded pleasantly, and said:
Thanks. awfully, for making it SO
clear to me; but let us go on. / want
now to come to the Iext drug, opium
what is opium?'
sit is Gods gift to man, it is the tear
of the poppy that has first blushed and
then wept for us, it is
sSNa No ,,1aoSa lnn.t To ,xhaf nv
der of drug does it belong?"
Its a sedative.'
But l thought it increased sensa-
ton. De Quincy tells us So"
Quite so; but-excuse me, l want |
some more matches"
When returned he had helped him
self to refreshments, got his wind and
reloaded. Now, then, l want par
ticulary to know what are the intrin |
sic properties of opium. OF course.a spe- |
cialist like yourself would not prescribe
so powerful drug without knowing,
but to an amateur like myself it is a |
little confusing.
My head was beginning to swim, |
and, as a last resource, / suggested |
postponing the discussion for some |
future day, as / was anxious to talk to |
him about home rule (anything was |
better than this). But no, there was |
no shunting him off the line of this |
fad; and So carefully closing the door,
and binding him down to perfect Sc
crecy, / laid my whole soul bare before
him.
Colonel" / said, sin the good old |
days, when the witches danced around |
their caldron to the tune of weird song,
medicine was above the pitiful level of |
a mere art. But now we modern med
icine men. irrevocably harnessed to
science, find that we have been drag. |
ging up through the ages CARLOAD of /
vegetables las for Covent Garden) to
hawk about the streets and pirate of;
but the public are finding them stale
and the alkaloid of faith evaporated.
A blatant .agnosticism such as your
own, which (pardon my saying sol is to
me as blasphemous rs an incubator,
has ruined mems chances of either liv-
ing in ease or dying in comfort. And
sh!-I am not at all sure that little
has not made quacks of us |
all. What! You can't stay to lunch?
You must come again soon. won't you?
Pail Mall Budget.
A Novel Use for Cranks.
THE only way to dispose of the