The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1894-08-28
DuNDER'S ALMANAC.
HE INTERVIEWS THE SERGEANT
ABOUT SOME MORE JOKES.

Old Woman.
Copyright, 1894, by Charles B. Lewis-l
Sergeant, I vhas come down to see
aboudt some more SMOKES for my alma
nac," said Carl Dunder as he entered
the police station in high good humor
the other day.
"Oh, I see!" replied the sergeant as
he looked up. what almanac doyou
refer to, Mr.. DunderG"
"Vhy, to my almanac-'Carl Dan
der's Almanac'-of course. She vhas
two hoonered pages und all comic ex-
cept der sad pieces und advertisements.
She vhas selling off like hot cakes. Ha,
ha, haI'
What are you laughing at, Mr..
Dunder9"
cat dose SMOKES in my almanac. Ha,
ha, ha! Oxcuse me, sergeant, but l
vhas a great hand for fun. If I reads
shoke, he pleases me-"
''Then there are jokes in your alma
nae, Mr.. Dunder9" solemnly queried
the sergeant.
Cant I make you understand, ser
geant9 I hat got oudt some almanac.
She vhas weekly. She vhas comic und
sad. She hat some advertisements. I
told you all aboudt her twice times
oafer. Didn't I come down here last
week und read you some shokes9 Say,
sergeant"-
"WellG"
"Please excuse me. 1 like to sit down
und laugh, ind den I read you some
of my shokes."
The sergeant turned around, with his
face to the wall, and for two minutes
Mr.. Dunder slapped his legs and ele-
waited his feet and gurglad as if he had
a hens foot in his mouth. Then he
gradually recovered from his emotion
and arose and pulled a copy of his
almanac from his pocket and read:
why vhas an elephant like my
frendt Mr.. Schmidt9 Because he vhas
in der trunk peesness, from 81 oop to
$25, und all warranted.
What vhas dot deeference between
an angel und a COVE Why, one has
wings, und der ouder one has horns, of
course.
"Vhy vhas a clam on der seashore
like a lost child on her prairieG Be-
cause some one Will come along und
find him.
"Sergeant-ha. ha, hal-how does
dose SMOKES hit your ribsg" laughed
Mr.. Dunder as he looked over the desk.
"Are they jokes7" asked the officer
as he dipped the end of a match in his
ink bottle in place of his pen.
'Vhell, I should remark My SOL
Shake und me invented dose SMOKES
last night in shust two hours. I calls
in der butcher next door und reads EN-
oafer to him, un What you belief he
does? Say, sergeant, dot man got black
in der face, his eyes roll, und if I doan
pat him on der back he vhas shoke to
DEATH Yes, sir, dose SMOKES tickle
him till he can't laugh"
"But why did he want to laugh9"
"Vhy9 Because he vhas teekled, of
course. You doan' belief he Wanted
to cry, do you9 When he vhas gone
AWAY, I reads 'em to my oldt womans,
und she shtands opp un6 guUs no, no,
hot und shakes her sides I'LL Shake has
to fan her nit a towel Und cry oudt
dot der house vhas on fire. Eafery
times 1 read dot clam shoke oafer to
-o-ooIe -Loa oon-11Ieo5 NIT bo bo
ha! You vhas no man to be teekled,
sergeant, but maybe you like some
thing sad. Sac vhas called Der Dying
Shild,' by Anonymous. Here she vhas
dot leedle shild vhas growing
poorer und weaker all der time for
more ash one var. He vhas going to
die, but no one soospect her. By und
by a dark night comes on. Dot rain
comes down, und der wind blows, und
oop in a tree a big owl cries oudt,
HE IL O, centralr But shtill dot shild's
mudder sleeps on und doan' hear moth
ings. Poorly sOon der kid raises her
hands to heafen und shmiles und says
she vhas glad to be an angel. But
shtilI dot mudder sleeps on. Den an
angel comes softly down to earth und
bends oafer dot child und shmiles ind
says, I Will take you COP to be a leedle
fat sheru5 NIT q leedle harp to play on.
But shtill dot mudder shleeps on. Dot
shild vhas ready to go. He haf measles
und mumps uud shicken pox und
toothache, und he vhas tired of dot
climate. He raised COP his leedle hands
co be token, but shtill dot mudder
shIeeps on. Dot angel avs, Come