The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1894-05-22


Another Sucker Caught President CleVe-
lands Cousin Pulls Major Bilkins
to the Shore With a
"Green Goods" Bait"
B.-"Hello! Mr.. Editor"
R.-"Hello! Major. Guess you are
feeling better since the fine rainfall"
B-"Better! That wurd amt in my
dickshunary. I'm feelin' a blamed site
wurse. 1 never felt so bad in my life.
I'll bet I'm goin' ter die before June
apples git ripe"
R-"Why9 Howe What Is the
matters"
Bob! I'm ruined, I'm busted,
I'm disgrased forever. 1 believe III
commit sewaside. A Teller by the
nam ov Cleveland has ruint me fer
this life"
RI have told you over and over
again what sort of a man Grover Cleve
land is, but you wouldn't listen"
BIT isn't the President; it's w.
G. Cleveland, the Presidents cousin
whut lives in New York. About a
month ago 1 got a letter frum him
erbout green goods whut he wuz sci
lin nifty cheap. He writ me that a
North Carolina member ov Congress
he'd sent him my name an tole him l
wuz awl rite an could keep a secr1t.
He lowed that no one but guide DENY
krats could deal in his guides. They
wuz a clippin' from a newspaper tellln
how q cousin ov President Cleveland
he'd bin foolin' Ground in the Treasury
buildin' at Washington n day an
picked up sum ov the plates whut they
use fer printin' greenbaeks, carried
them home, he'd copies Of them en-
graved and then returned the plates to
Washington before it wuz found out
He went on ter say that he hes bin
maxim greenbacks ever sinse an selin
them at a hundred dollars a thousand
I concluded I must hev erbout $4,000
ov this mummy. I knowed l could use
it fer campaign purposes an maybe git
elected. I concluded I wouldn't tell
Betsy till j got back with the $4,000 1
m~ortgaged my land an borrowed $500.
I kept correspondent with Mr.. Cleve
land aWl the time. He seemed ter be
a nifty Mise Teller. He said ter git off
the train at Jersey City an he would
meet me. He writ that if didn't git
off in Jersey City I would git into a
terrible jam an crowd jan couldn't git
a hack nor nothin' ter take me ter a
hotel in New York. He also sed he
would bear my expenses an show me
the great city by daylite an gaslite.
So I tole Betsy my eyes were failin' an
1 must go ter New York an see a doc
tor who could cure blindness. Betsy
cried an TUX on at a big rate while l
Wuz gittin' ready. She put lots ,ov
things in the new black Ealice whut l
he'd bought. I went ter Raleigh an
got on the Atlanta Special fer the
North, an I'll tell you hit run nifty
slow, I thought. I kept countin' az we
went along, $4,000 fer $500; that is
81, 200 clear an a trip ter New York. /
tell you / felt guide. We got ter Wash
ington an I just went rite on thinkin'
maybe would stop an seethe President
an shake hands with Kongress as I
cum back. I got to Jersey City about
10 o'clock at mite. A nifty Mise man
met me. I thought he looked like a
preacher, fer he he'd a high hat on. He
asked me awl about my folks in North
Carolina, erbout politicks an my wife.
He lowed he wanted ter send Betsy a
nice present when Icum back. Direct
~ the depot began ter move an 1 says
ter Mr.. Cleveland this is an earthquake,
amt it? He lowed no; that l he'd got
off the train an stepped into a steam
ferryboat an didn't know it, but l wuz
awl rite fer we would be in New York
in five minutes. He asked me if I
wouldn't spend a week in New York.
l tole him no; that I must start back
the next mornin' OF the grass would
take my crop. We got out of the boat
an'Eet foot on New York soil, r rather
rock, fer I didn't see a foot ov ground
but whut he'd Belgin PAWN or marble.
I tole Mr.. Cleveland I wanted ter go
into Wall street, what I he'd read so
much about. He lowed it wasn't a
safe place, fer we mite git robbed. He
said we would go ter a resterant IN git
sumpthin fer the inner man an then
take in the town. We he'd a guide SUD.
per an q little spiri.s an then got on
the train whut runs on an iron trestle
an went about fifteen miles up town,
The lights an noise made me dizzy.