Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-06-17
EVERYBODY HAS ONE
Ile ldler Discourseth on Monuments
and CapriciouS RazOrs.
THE EVILSOF SHAVING.
"sweet "-The Only Hope for
Ugly Girls.

"sweet "-The Only Hope for
Ugly Girls.
June Is one Of the months when don't
feel like working. The other months
when / am similarly disposed are Janu-
airy. February. March. April. May, July,
August. September. October. November,
and December. On these hot days, when
evea the flies take vacation (dern a fly,
anyhow 1 am utterly disqualified for
iaDcr. and II Is on such occasions that
elevate my feet on my mahogany desk
AID think. Many brilliant idea Of mine
has seen It's birth orpdays when the Their
mometer has stood hundred I'm the shade,
and when all the rest OF humanity was
b;ls.ly engaged In lodging the perform
| ance OF their duties. Yes, l think when
1 the weather Is warm, and II 1t is sufii-
/ ciently warm / likewise swear. OF late
] have been pondering much and this ex-
element about erecting monuments is
the thing that has attracted my attention.
Every one Is enthusiastic on the subject,
and from present prospects 1t looks as IL
Wstty much everybody who ever lived in
the South Is going to have some sort OF
memorial Hon. jefferson Davis is 10
have monument, Stuart is to have one,
f,tc women Of the South (Heaven bless all
~ them between the ages OF Is and i0)
are To be- remembered, and a gentleman
hHt wisely suggested that We should do
trifnite TO the memory OF Give Me-Liber-
ty''-etc. Patrick Henry. Some time ago
a worthy individual proposed that all OF
tho Smiths in the State should each chip
In : cents and erect a 100000 memorial
In honor OF Captain John Smith. This
scheme should commend itself to all who
bc-r this foreign name. and l even think
tho Smiths should secure the co-opera-
tion OF the Joneses, and possibly Of the
Browns. IL any Of the latter family still
reside I'm Virginia. And then, too, would |
not be surprised IL eJesidents OF Cary
street, some three hundred years after I
die in the city almshouse. awake to an |
appreciation OF my abilities and do |
homage to me with n handsome statue |
Unless I read the future enormously the
figure will represent me with proof |
sheet in one hand, n bulldog pipe in the !
otEer. \ calm, sweet look will appear on
my face, and from the corners Of one
pofket bundle OF Sunday-school tracts
VIII be seen protruding.
Now do not smile at the idea OF such
seif-complacency on my part. No man
can tell nowadays when he is 70 have
greatness thrust upon him. It's like get
ting struck by lightning And after all,
why should l not be remembered-if my
Shakespearean ability as a writer is ig-
nored, l should at least receive personal
consideration for my bravery and valor?
On the Goth OF May, with my mouth full
OF peanuts, and the raindrops merrily
chasing themselves down my vertebra, I
saw the Confederate Soldiers and Sailors
monument unveiled. and heard the en-
thusastic plaudits OF the surviving heroes
of that mighty struggle, who so ably man.
aged the commissary department when
the cannon roared and the bullets
whistled Brave old soldiers were these
rebel privates and yet, when I reflect,
thelr valOr does not exceed mine. When
they went into battle they always knew
that there was some chance for them
and they always hoped that 1t was the
fellow next 10 them, and not themselves,
who would get hit. For my part. very
discreetly abstained from being born until
II was too late for me 10 go into the SER
vice. ] didn't want to hurt anybody But
zone question nv heroisp, for j shave
Gysclf The solder rushing on to con-
flict always has the assurance that there
is some possibility of his escape. but the
man who shaves himself knows for GER
tain that blood is going To be shed In
his family, and that II Is his blood when
is going to flow. There is no use trying |
10 avert the calamity. for IL is bound to
come. You may fool your features In |
the nelghborhoOd Of your left jaw, but |
when you get down to your chin the |
crimson gore Is sure 10 crown your ef- |
forts. For my part. | have tried diplo- |
macy, strategy, trickery. cunning, and |
every other device. including the process
of standing on my head, but have never, |
never escaped without wound
The work OF whetting a razor is, or all |
the sciences | have ever Investigated, the |
most occult. 1t seems to depend entirely |
on the humOr OF the instrument of tor
ture. One day two strokes across leather
strap will produce an edge OF inconceiva
bic keenness- an edge that will carve
memento out OF your physognomy before
You know what you are doinS-and then.
on the very next day. you feel that you
are chopping, or rather eradlcating. your
whskers with a grassknife. | have one
razor that, despite all its tricks and ca
prices. l value above all earthly things.
IL is Wade and Butcher beard shaver.
and IL is on account OF it's name that /
treasure it, for when take II in hand 1t
butcherlng myself. Since the day when
| frat proudly carved my classic features
In an effort TO remove the incipient hirsute
appendage. / have received so many
wounds that my hide is corrugated with
scars like the skin of an elephant.
Women-that is, women who have neither
boards nor mOustaches-shOuld consider
themselves blessed that Heaven has
spared them this afIIiction. OF all the
times | long to be a representative of the
fair sex, the two occasions above all
others when | wish it most are when |
attempt TO shave and when | get on
street-car.
Women have always interested me, and
during a long and useful life | have made
a careful study of their habits. Taken
altogether. | approve OF them. unless they
assume the form of bOOk-agents. and even
then they have my respect, and | may