Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-12-02
PLENTY" FOR HM
Tho Idlsr Has Gotten Enough W
Football Nov.
NOT WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO b.
Red Noses and Cold fcet--Jos 'ene's'"
and the Misery He Caussd-his
Dutch Dialect.


II takes neral courage TO say II, bus al
the same I'm going TO admit that ] don't
like football. This statement, emsnatins
as Il does from such a high authority,
Will doubtless lead many Of the long,
haired favor.tes from Charlottesville ana
Chapel Hill TO commit suicide. but as
sit here this Thanksgiving evening. with
my little proboscis shivcrins and my
"footsles' as cold as a dogs nose. feel
n quinine-pill sensation Of bitterness to-
wards the game. and henceforth ths
newspapers viii be unabla to put mo
down as one Of the distinguished persons
who witnessed the contest. The satlsfac-
ton OF seeing my name In print was ths
only tie that bound me to the grid
iron, and hereafter even this last Ink
will be broken. For five years I've been
trying-even more conscientlously than
do To earn my salary-to like football.
but at last have given up all hope. Sea
son after season l have struggled TO vet
festive on Thanksgiving Day. and, fol-
lowing the example Of the multitude. nke
a sheep follows It's fock. l have worn
chrysanthemums. ribbons. and all sorts
OF fandangles until | felt myself a second
Barnaby Rudge. Hereafter / shall stop
trying to make fool OF myselS-loastwlso
by those tricks. for / know SO many
other ways by whfrh can accomplish tho
same results with far moro facility.
What's tho use OF going to any trouble TO
make fool of yourself when you can do
1t without the slightest excr,ion3 As FAR
as the game itself Is concerned / wouldn't
give a cent FOR II. 1t seems to mo tho
buffers 20 TO so much trouble for nothing,
and after all their scuilling they done
have blessed thing TO show for their
labors except bruises. They all pile on
each other ike can OF hshing-worma,
and sometimes, when things are "a buzzin'
pretty lively, il requires ono man ten
minutes to Identify himself and frequent.
ly his parents have to take the remains
for granted. there is so little left of tho
deceased.
or the 5000 people who went 10 tho
Thanksgiving game. 1 actually believe
that fully 400 OF them were as much
bored as IL they had been listening 10 "a
temperance sermon. Perhaps. II somo &C
them had listened to IL temperance SER
mon a little earlier m the game IL would
have been better for them. bat that Ia
neither here nor there IL an oil-stoyo
and a bear-skin overcoat had been for
nished with each ticket. and ~ n cushion
seat and pair Of woollen leggins had
been thrown In. l think the general pub
lie would have been better satisfied,
though / may be mistaken. especially as
TO the leggins. for | coulln't get the
precise feminine Views on this subject.
But, Oh. girls II you knew how red. red.
red your ltue noses look as they brstlo
rosIiy from the football bloacheries, you
would forever for8wear the sport. To-mor-
row your smooth checks viii be chapped
until they feel like sandpaper, and you
will have to soak your faces In camphor-
ice until they are as greasy as the cr0upy
baby, into whose inmost reccsses thu
molten lard Is poured by tho cubic yard.
To sum the whole thing up. we 90 t1
the football games simply because every
body else GOES, and because some years
aGo It became tn fad. Fashion DEGREES
that We must swallow fads. even as va
worry down capsule pins. For my part.
Pm willing - do almost anything ~
qured by conyentionality, buJ there must
be some limit. I'm wiling 10 wear bangs
and 60 have C0at-tails that strike the tops
Of my tan-shoes, but / draw the limo
on football. Hereafter. my lose Is 10
be kept warm ana. X usage requires that
II should be red. I'll take TO drink. Attn
apologies 10 coi!ege-students. one OK whom
! am whicn. I resign myself TO the abuses
and yllihcations which VIII OF necessity
be hcapod upon my devoted head Tor thu
unrestrained way in which nave ex-
pressed myself.
Old Joe jefferson has come 90 Richmoni
and gone again, and with him have de-
parted the dollars with which we were to
pay our Christmas offerings. However
poor we were, few OK Us had the moral
courage TO abstain from seeing "4Ip Van
Winkle" for al admission that We had
failed 10 attend tho Performance would
have meant our social ostracism. And
that is not half. We had TO pay our two
shskels and what Is more, We hal 20
part with an additional pair OF "whe-ss."
to purchase n ticket for the sweet Qua
who accompanied us.
Tho men who did not appear at tho
show with ladies are forever ruined, and
they need hope Tor no comfort in this
dark hereafter. Wherever they go-.c
they have the courage 10 show their meek
faces IN the future--they VIII ind them-
selves witheTcd by feminine scorn, even
as the autumnal perslmmon f. withered
by the winter frO5ts. Far easier would
IL be for them II their names were posted
by some collecting-agp or IL they
were alluded to as the heroes OF a Police
Court seance. They had better drown
themselves On liIuoD or get position
az a street-car motOrman. Tor their social
prospects are dead.
II the question were submitted 70 ths
vote OF the long-suner,ns youth OF this
city, / verify believe that Christmas
would be postponed for six months, IN
order 10 afford the JeHersonhn victims
time to recuperate from their stupen-
d0us exert.Ons OF last week. The clear
weather, however. Is one thing for which
tn gods should b. thanked. though
It's 50 hard for US 10 be grateful when
our Affections are lightened. Many, many
were the schemes rtsorted To by my im-
p0vershod brethren % avoid this awful
duty % their fair friends. and, though I
hate 70 say IT, know several instances
where the invitations only came after It
had been pregi) isly ascertaInei that tho
ladies' In question already had engage
mcnts. There Is one man-he will blush
In years TO come at the awful deed--who
made out a list OF the lucky maidens who
had already accepted invitations, and then
went around on a bicycle to see each ons
OF them and bosOught them 10 go with
him. OF course hLs kindness was CRATE
lully HcclHeh III 'feiy instAilSr, "hhu
be got just as much credit for his gener-
osity as IL ne had spent n hundred dol-
lars. His memory will be cherished In
the palpltatlng hearts OF at least half u
dozen fair glm-chewers. while the total
cost OF his magrAnlmity will only foot
up cents-the damage done T. IN e pneu-
matte tires OF his wheel, which was SUBJ
jected 10 Il rather uIusual degree OF fylc-
ton.
The most unique comment have yet
heard on Jeff 'rson's performance WAS
embodied In the complaint OF a man. who
said: II think his acting does pretty
well, bur considering how long he has
been on the stage. I caat sec why he
speaks that d----d Dutch dialect. Seems
10 me no ought 10 have learned Euglish
by now" THE IDLE REPORTER.