The Evening dispatch. [volume] (Provo, City, Utah) 1891-1895, 1894-08-29
JOKES AND JOKERS.
SOME OF THE FUN AND FUNMAKERS
OF sYGoNE DAYS.

0OlNE OFN
ssrc=e nicseres to More Modern Men--Ths
English Furnish Rather Hesvy Glass Of
Humor-InexhaustibIe Supply of Irish
Bulls.
There is more real humor in mod.
ern clodhopper than in an ancient phi.
losopher The JOKES that have come
down to us from Greece are mostly poor
stuff, but college boys are glad to get
any comfort at all from root grubbing,
and therefore they laugh at Diogenes
and Aristophanes. 1t is said that the
old cynic begged tub to live in and
toted This about where he liked and
squatted under it when he pleased
When Alexander called on him in this
palatial residence, he asked what he
could do for him. "Get out of my sun
light, said Diogenes That was tolera-
| bly, good, but unciviL The nasty old
cub with his tub could be duplicated by
thousand tramps in America any day,
and many of them are doubtless nastier
and smarter. Plato is said to have
preached fatality. When a rogue ran
against him with a beam and excused
himself as ''fated to do it," ''Yes, I"
said Plato II see, but also am fated
to beat you for it, " and gave the fellow
a good Gaming. For sportiveness Horace
was the most pleasing Of the ancients,
but his verses are very amatory and
some of them more suggestive than
French play. Charles Lamb is worth
90 of him, only that Horace could be a
poet when he chose of a different sort
Homer's picture of Thersites is the old
est burlesque that l remember a joke
coming down from 1000 B. G. ought to
be pretty good Will M. Quad last as
long?
English joking is generally heavy.
Here is one told by James Pawn. A wit.
ness in a SANDER case swore that Miss
lies was thrown over the wall dozen
times. ''What, =" said the judge. "Who
was Miss lies, and why did they throw
her over?" TWAS missiles. Icannot see
anything SO very funny in Sydney
Smiths wishing he could, on certain
hot day, take off his flesh and sit in his
bones. But Hood and Charley Lamb are
brace that no one ought ever to be
without. have given up trying TO keep
a complete set of either They are Dor
rowed and relished, and, suppose, read
to pieces.
Hood was capital in every direction
he turned, whether pathos, satire, pun
or pure joking. His taking off of eele'
brated characters was as good as any
thing. You should first read BoswelVL
johnson" and then read Hoods
"Johnsoniana. But does anybody read
Boswell nowadaysf Alas, for once IA
nous booksl Hood, says Johnson, was
once consulted by lady as to the de-
gree of tufpitude and spanking due her
boy for robbing all orchard. Madam"
said the ponderous doctor, cit all hangs
on the weight of the boy. remember
rly school fellow, Davy Garrick, who
was little fellow, robbing a dozen or
ehards with IMMUNITY, but the very first
time climbed an apple tree, for l was
always solid, the bough broke, and it
was called Judgment on ME. sup
pose that is why justice is represented
with pair of scales -
Sheridan wak the best Of jokers, but
half that IS attributed to him is floating
wit that needed a father. 1t is probably
true that he asked his FOSTERING but
highborn crew one night wh0ther they
should drink like beasts Or like men.
Some one said, Men, of course. " ooh,
then, ;" cried Sheridan, "we'n get aw-
full drunk, for beasts only drink what
they need. "
Irish wit is famous the world over
Part Of it consists in the hrogue, but it
is rare that an Iishman has not sur.
prises of speech, in which consists the
wit Of the highest order. LIE Fanu, il |
his Seventy Years of Irish Life, " has |
collected great deal that is delicious
A witness that was badgered by law
yer was asked, You're nice fellow,
now, amt your" Witness answered,
81 am, sir, and if were not on oath.
sir, I'd say the same of you " Another
witness was asked by bullying coun'
sell $50 you had q pistol?" 81 had,
cir" WHO did you intend to shoot?"
Il want intendin to shoot no one. "
$50 you got it for nothing?" ''No, l
didn't " Come, comet On your oath,
what did you get that pistol for?" 'For
three and ninepence, sir in Mr.. Rich
ardson's shop"
The Irish bull is often better than
any deliberate wit. Sir Richard Steele
insisted these bulls were owing to the
air of the country, "and, sir, he add
ed, ''if an Englishman was born here,
| don't doubt he'd do the same. In a
debate on taxation al Irish member of
parliament insisted that "a tax on leath'
sr would press heavily on the barefoot.
ed peasantry." Sir Boyle Roche replied
they could make the under feathers of !
wood. The same Sir Boyle urged the
union of England and Ireland, SO that
1.-THE barren hills would become fertile
valleys" In another debate he answer
ed, 81 boldly answer in the affirmative
Mop de was author of ''You should
refrain from throwing open the flood.
gates of democracy, lest you should
pave the way for general confagra'
ton. !" At a race an Irishman was de.
lighted because he was first at last.
When they laughed, he added, "Sure,
wasn't l behind before One day
friend of Bishop Bramstone approached
him with the remark that he wanted "a
wife, young, rich and. pretty, and ne
wanted the bishop to pick her out for
aim. "Tht, tutl" said the bishop. my
name is Bramstone, not Brimstonel ]
90 not make matchesr'-E. P. Powell
in st. Louis Globe Democrat.
A PATTERN IN ACE.