The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1894-08-01
ChiDper Chestnuts.

When the shoestring of girl 81 years old
comes united, you may be very sure that II
was by accident; also that she will have to
tie it up herself.-Somerville Journal.
The only apparent effect of advanced
civilization seems to be that children begin
to worry at an earlier age.-Atchison Globe,
Lady-How is this insect powder to bt
applied? Assistant (absentmindedly) -
Give 'em teaspoonful after each meal
madam.-Tit-Bit
Mrs. Twitter listening to phonograph)-
It's just like having your husband here al
home isn't it? Wife-Mercy, mol Itneed:
an attachment to smoke, growl about the
dinner lose u hat, kick the dog and swear
to make it perfect.-Chicago Inter Ocean.
A Chelsea man sent 80 cents to New York
to get some advertised directions telling
show to avoid sunstrokes." When the di
rections came, they read, Never 90 out OF
doors in the summer time excepting after
dark. .'-Somervlle journal.
We have found out that some of the
dresses girls wear do not cost more than {
cents yard. Some of the girls have a way
of making these dresses look as if they cost
81 yard at least.-Atchison Globe.
should actresses marryf' inquiries I
Cincinnati paper. OF course. How coulG
they be divorced without it?-Kansas City
journal.
McAtkins very tiresome)-Want to heal
something funny? Old Crusticus-No. I've
heard it Decentralization Life.
When man takes Il partner in bushes.
these days, it is an indication he want.
some one to divide expenses, not to divide
profits. Globe.
Sunday is good day for writing letters,
and Monday is a good day to forget to mai
them.-New Orleans Picayune.
Nodd-l would ask you up to my
house, old man, but my wife is busy max
ing pies for her archery club. Todd
What do they want pies for? Nodd-
Targets.-New York Herald.
When man finds nice old fashioned
well, he also discovers that not long ago
cat fell in it.-Atchison Globe.
Mamma-Remember, Johnnie, it is tn,
soft answer that turneth away wrath
Never raise your hand against a boy you
dislike. Have you today? Johnnie-No
ma'am. l gave Tommie Taddes my new
ball bat to lick a fellow for me.-Chicagc
Inter Ocean.
1t never cools man Off when the street
sprinkler throws water on him.-Atchisor
Globe.
1t is difficult matter to fence in bow
legged man-he always has an open gait o
own,-Richmond Dispatch.
Preacher-Little boy, do you know wher,
you will go if you play ball on Sundayi
Little Boy-Yes, sir; to de baseball ground
Judge.
A book agent attempted to sell a Frank
ford politician an encyclopedia. "Cyclo
pediaI" exclaimed the Frankford man
mo! | don't want it. Wouldn't have time
to ride it."-Phiadelphia Record.
When man gets to thinking that he i.
Indispensable to his employer, it is general
ly time to hire some one else to take hi.
plaCe.-Somerville journal.
"Er man kin run inter debt" said Uncle
Eben, but when it comes ter gittin out he's
gotter crawl. Washington Star.
People who go grand hotels have mucl
to put up with, and they who ride in crowd
ed street cars haveto stand great DEAL
New Orleans PicayuEe.
Bacon-Does it take your wife long tt
make up her mind when you ask if sh,
wants to 90 to the theater2 Egbert-No
it takes her longer to make up her face
Yonkers Statesman.
A West Walnut street man Who told his
colored valet to get out what he needed
for ball was surprised when he fount
a razor in the pocket of his dress coat
Philadelphia Record.
So long as Sing Sing stands New York
needs no other monument to her public
men.-St. Louis Globe Democrat.