The record-union., 1894-10-20
LOVES A LAZY MAN.
Free Lance" Talks About His FeI-
low Beings.
Contrasting the Rustler and the Lazy
Man-He Says He Prefers
the Latter.

ESPECIAL Correspondence of RECoRD-UNIoN.l !
Perhaps the far-famed ingenuity of US
Americans is in nothing better displayed
than in the aptness of the slang express
ions we originate, and in the readiness
with which we apply vividly descriptive
and fully comprehensive words to every
new and eccentric type of character.
There are few occupations whose fol-
lowers are not designated by some term
which is in general use among those who
affect an unconventional and facetious
mode OF speech, and which is understood
by everybody. These words have fire.
quently derogatory meaning, but such
is by no means always the case. For eX-
ample, the bartender takes 40 exception
to being denomiuated a "mixologist," :"
and sometimes even advertises himself
as specimen of that remarkable thing.
The restaurant waiter, on the other hand,
does not take it in an altogether kindly
spirit when he is referred TO as 'haSh-
singer" The reporter may find no fault
with the appellation of 'pencil-pusher," F."
nor the dentist with that of ''tootE-car-
penter," but it is somewhat ruttiing to
the dignity of distinguished disciple OF
Esculapius to be spoken of by some vul-
gar person as ''saw- bones," or to that
OF a learned and reverend exponent OF
theology 10 be alluded TO as a ''sky-pilot." "
The word 'rustler," l believe, is a
purely American creation, as the thing
itself is purely American product.
Let me say at once that l do not like
rustlers, and it always makes me un-
comfortable to have one Of the class about.
l have observed that these persons gem
l
voices; that their movements are quick
and undignitieG, and in many cases may
even be said TO be jerky, and that, II they
are visitors III your house, they have a
general air OF taking stock of your pos
sessions, much as if they were calculating
what the various articles might bring al
forced sale.
There is but one individual who can
make you as miserable as does the rust
Ter, and that is the man who sizes you
up. This person sits before you diScours-
ing upon the prevailing meteorological
conditions, theoSophy, or the silver queS-
ton, and all the while you are conscious
that he Is making an inventory OF your
attributes, physical and mental, and that
he is especially taking note OF your short
comings. Like the phrenoIogiSt, he esti-
mates to a nicely your limits of venera-
ton and philanthropy, your powers OF
concentration and accumulation, your
com bativeness and auatlveneSs. And
the worst OF it is you know he is sizing
you up wrongly. He thinks you stingy,
when you know that you are always
ready TO give in good cause. lie is con-
Vinced that you are q coward, when you
pride yourself on your pugilistic PROV
esS, and only wish you could find an eX-
cuse to give him a practical demOnStra-
ton of the same. In word, he puts you
uD as an altogether inferior man to what
you know yourself TO be. And there
you have to sit and affably converse, with
smile on smile, when you would like TO
wiring his neck. Anathema maranath a
on all the pestilerous fellows we don'I
like!
But as to the rustler. Under all cir
cunstances ne is a thorn in the flesh and
stencil in the nostrils. The female OF
the kind is perpetually engaged in man
ual labor-generally in cleaning house
and busily putting the furniture where 1t
ought not to be, and placing ones books
where be doesn't want them. Also, she
has a mania for improving her mind;
she drags her husband out OF evenings 10
hear prOsy lectures on scientific subjects,
and she insists upon his going with her
to see people who have company man
ners and whom he detests. She posters
you to join the Society of Idiots and
Imbeciies, and she is promptly on hand
to collect the amount which, in moment
of weakness, you subscribed toward es-
tablshing School Of Voice Culture foI
Braying Asses. Oh. yes, the female
rustler is very active indeed, and she is
also extremely numerous. But for pure
devilishness she is not in it with her male
counterpart.
Did you ever go on q camping expedi'
ton with a rustler? In the woods all his
innate deprayity is exposed.
After figuring on the number of sugar
pines to the square mile; the number OF
feet of lumber each tree would yield; cosl
! of petting said lumber to market: aftel