The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1894-07-19
Clipper Chestnuts.

When the shoestring of a girl 81 years old
comes united, you may he very sure that it
was by accident; also that she will have to
tie 1T up hcrself-Somerville Journal.
The only apparent effect of advanced
civilization seems to be that children. begin
to worry Mt an earlier age.-Atchison Globe.
Lady-How is this insect powder to be
applied? Assistant (absentmindedly) :
Give 'em teaspoonful after each meal,
madam. -Tit-B Bits
Mrs. Iwltter listening to photography
It's just like having your husband here at
home, isn't it? Wife-Mercy, mol Itneeds
an attachment to smoke, growl about the
dinner, lose II hat kick the dog and swear
to make it perfect-Chicago Inter Ocean,
A Chelsea man sent 80 cents to New York
to get some advertised directions telling
"how TO avoid sunstrokes." When the di.
rections came, they read, "Never go out OF
doors III the summer time excepting after
dark. "-Somervile Journal
We have found out that some of the
dresses girls wear do not cost more than s
cents Il yard. Some of the girls have n way
of making these dresses look as if they cost
81 yard ut lcast.-Atchson Globe.
Should actresses marry" inquiries q
Cincinnati paper. OF course. How could
they be divorced without it?-Kansas City
Journal.
McAtkins VERY tiresome)-Want to hear
something funny? Old Crusticus-No. I've
heard it Decentralization Life
When man takes n partner in business
these days, it is an indication he wants
some one to divide expenses, not to divide
profits.-Atchison Globe.
Sunday is good day for writing letters,
and Monday is good day to forget to mail
them.-New Orleans Picayune
NOdd-I would ask Won nm to NV
house, old man, but my wife is busy max.
ing pies for her archery club Todd
What do they want pies for? Nodd-
Targets.-New York Herald
When man finds nice old fashioned
well, he also discovers that not long ago a
cat fell i'll it.-Atchison Globe
Mn'a me-Remember Johnnie, it is tn
soft answer that turneth away wrath.
Never raise your hand against n hoy YOU
dislike. Have you today? Johnne-No,
ma'am. gave Tommie Taddles my new
ball bat to lick fellow for me.-Chicarc
Inter Ocean.
1t never coos n man of when the street
sprinkler throws water on hm.-Atchison
Globe
1t Is difficult matter to fence in bow.
legged mamie always has IN open gait of
own.-Richmond Dispatch.
Preacher-Little boy do you know where
you will 80 if you play ball on Sunday?
Little Boy-Yes, sir; tode baseball ground
Judge.
book agent attempted to sell Frank.
ford politician an encyclopedia. "Cyclo.
pedia?" exclaimed the Frankford man.
NO! don't want it. Wouldn't have time
to ride it."-Phiiadelphia Record
When man gets to thinking that he is
indispensable to his employer, it is general
~ time To hire some one else to take his
place.-Somervillc Journal.
'Er man kin run inter debt" said Uncle
Eben. but when it comes ter gttin out he's
gotter crawl" Washington Star.
People who 90 to grand hotels have much
toput up with and they who ride in crowd.
ed street cars haveto stand Il great deal
New Orleans picayune.
Bacon-Docs it take your wife long to
make up her mind when You ask if she
wants to 80 to the thcatcr? Egbert-No;
1t takes her longer to make up her face
Yonkers Statesman.
A West Walnut street man who told his
colored valet to get out what he needed
for ball was surprised when he found
razor in the pocket of his dress coat
Philadelphia Record
So long as Sing Sing stands New York
needs no other monument to her public
men.-St. Louis Globe-Dcmocrat