The Van Buren press., 1894-11-10
FEAsrEo ON THE FREE LUNCH.
The Man from Alabama Enjoyed the Dain.
ties OF Saloon and Wanted to Die.

The Man from Alabama Enjoyed the Dain.
ties OF n Saloon and Wanted to Die.
A party of boys playing near the cor
ner of Twelfth and Canal streets ran
excitedly to policeman and told him
that they had found dying man in a
lumber yard near by. The officer has
tened to the place pointed out to him,
and there he came upon an old fellow
lying on his back, groaning. He ap-
peared to be suffering greatly; he was
rolling his eyes, and wholly regardless
of any possible punishment that might
be waiting for him in the eternity which
he was unquestionably approaching, he
would below blasphemous maledic-
tion upon all life and all causes that
lead TO death.
'Go on away from here now," he COM
manded, raising up and "walling" his
eyes at the officer
whats the trouble with you?" the
policeman asked.
"None of your business. Coon away
from here. tell you. And want you
to drive them there boys away and not
let 'em stand gain and ga pin at
me-"
Il guess little too much whisky is
about all that's the matter with you."
''Aint touched drop of Ticker.
Wish l had-wish had luck enough to
kill me. Go on away now and let me
die"
"You are all right. You are not 60
ing to die"
Look here" he said, propping him
self againsta pile Of lumber, Il reckon
l know my business better than you
do ! didn't come all the way from
old Alabama for yon to tell me what l
am goin' to do. Reckon l know my
own affairs"
"You say you are from Alabama?'
"Yes; fotch carload Of calves up
here, and dinged if hain't found that
am the biggest calf among the whole
lot"
"Well, you'd better tell me some
thing about yourself, SO that word
may be sent to your people in case you
do die"
Never mind about my people. A
man that's as big fool as am ought
to go away off somewhere and die and
not let his folks know anything about
it."
ST don't know whether to call a
patrol wagon or not" said the officer,
laughing, but with severe look COM
manding the boys to cease their merri-
ment.
Don't call nothin'. Jest go on away
LOT 10 u1a tn1
you that as big fool as am don't de-
serve no sympathy at ALL
"What have you done?"
The old fellow eased his position
and thus answered: II told you that
fotch some calves up here from Ala
bam. Well, after sold em put the
money in letter and sent it home,
afraid that these sharp fellers here
might git the. best of me, and then /
started out to see if l couldn't git
the best of somebody myself, KNOWN
that as l had no money to speak OF l
was on the safe side. Well, l went
along down the street, and feelin' pretty
hungry as hadn't eat much to amount
to anything since left home, stepped
never did see as much stuff piled on a
table. There was a great bowl of mar
malade in the center of the table, and
in it was ladle; there was big bowl of
beets, peck Of butter in little cakes,
pickles by the jar, and great piles of
bread. After l had looked at the lay
out l naturally concluded that it would
L. forf IN oof ND
was about to get up, when the thought
struck me that this might be good
chance to get ahead of the feller that
run the house-thought would order
about ten cents worth of something
and then stuff myself while he wasn't
| looking. Well, that's exactly what
l did. 1 dipped into the marmalade,
gouged out handful of pickles, dived
into the beets and pitched into the
butter, dobbin' on a whole COB at a
time. Yes, sir; I'd glance around at
the feller, and whenever I'd see that he
wasn't lookin' I'd dive in again. was
| determined that for once a man from
my section of country should get ahead
of Chicago man. never did stuff SC
eat till l could hardly breathe, and
was about to get up and sneak ont
when the feller that thought l had
been foolin' came along and told me tc
eat all l wanted to-said that l was
welcome to everything in sight Well,
l got up after several attempts and
staggered out. Wandered around till
l found myself here, and l have laid
down here to die. don't deserve any
attention. Pm such blamed fool, and
l want you to go on away and let me
alone. ne.-Chicago Inter-Ocean.
| Buying Apples in Maine.
"The apple buyers have to be fellows
who can see through millstone," says
/ one of the Maine fraternity. 1--WE Dc