The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1894-12-29
THE AGENT.


MT. Joseph smith, salt Lake City,
registered at the Cadillac, and before
he had satisfactorily accomplished
the matutinal 40 winks so dear TO the
fatigued traveller a persistent knock.
ing was heard at the door, and upon
its being opened a nervous looking
mar with red hair and a tin box un.
der his arm slid into the room and
presented the Disguised guest with
a business card in four colors.
1.-THE patent Kidmore cracker
said the guest as he hoped into bed
again and pulled up the clothes.
You've made some mistake, my
good man. | don't want any crack.
ers."
You think you don't, but you
do" said the intruder with an in
gratiating smile. Your name is
Smith, from Utah, isn't it,"
"Well, suppose it lisp"
Exactly. I'll explain. Now, sir,
give me your attention for a mo-
ment. What is the greatest curse
known to married men? What is the
most disagreeable thing in domestic
life?"
well, femme zee Bills, said the
guest after a few moments refec-
ton.
Not at all, sir; it's crumbs"
"Crumbs?"
Yes, sir, crumbs. Cracker
crumbs. Did you ever know a mar
ried woman who did not insist on sit
ting up in bed with the baby from 4
to 40 times per night and feeding it
OF crackers"
"How the dew
Don't swear" interrupted the
cracker agent. "Itis no longer nec-
essary, as you will see presently. AS
l was going on to say, every married
woman feeds her baby on crackers in
bed, and the result is that the sheets
are always full of crumbs. The
wives don't seem to mind them
somehow, but the husbands do. Why,
a hair shirt wouldn't begin to pro-
duce the same amount of torture
caused an average man by a single
crumb, and when there is more
why, cobblestones would seem a bed
of roses by comparison"
well, sir, WHAT
What a I offer to mitigate the
evil-to do away with this great
wellspring of domestic misery, ell?
Why, I'll show you. Behold the
greatest invention of the nineteenth
century,
stop that! What the blazes are
you up to?" roared the guest as his
interviewer turned down the bed
clothes and began sprinkling a kind
of sawdust among the sheets.
Keep still, my dear sir, said the
cracker man blandly. I'm Just
showing you our mammoth boon to
humanity. This box is filled with
the dust from the new Kidmore
cracker. Will you have the goodness
to roll over once or twice and notice
that the Kidmore crumb don't
scratch a bit? No r~estlessness, no
discomfort. In fact, the dough is so
mixed with india rubber in the pro
portion
What do you suppose l care for
your crackers? l don't eat in bed. !"
and the Infatuated traveller began
swearing to find that his pistol was
locked up in his trunk.
mo, but your wives do" put in
the agent.
MY what?"
why, your wives. If a man with
only n wife needs these Invaluable
articles for family consumption, how
much more are they indispensable to
a man with 20 wives?'
Twenty WHAT" gasped the guest,
who was now convinced that he had
a bad case of wheels to deal with and
was wondering whether he could
turn on the fire alarm without at
tracing the crank's attention.
why, 90 wives. You're the Nor
mon Apostle Smith, amt your"
mo, I'm not" replied the other,
much Disguised, land I'm not mar
ried either"
why, you're from Utah, and your
name it's spelled the same-S-m-i-t-h.
Singular, very singular, unused the
cracker vender. Sure you amt the
MANI"
Eyes, I'm sure, and if you don't
skate out of here blamed if I don't
slam you out of that window"
Good gracious, and we're on the
sixth story too! Guess I'd rather
take the elevator. However, to show
you there's no hard feelings, I'll
leave you a few of our business cards.
Sure you're not that Smith, Ell?
Singular coincidence; very"
And, shaking his head over the re-
markable similarity of the names,
the agent wedged an illuminated
chrome advertisement of the Kid
more Velvet Crumb Cracker into the
side of the mirror and drifted out
Detroit Sun.
Deprived of All Else.
The war was over. The victorious
Japanese troops marched proudly