Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-01-28
THEY SAVE THE SICK
0bltaary Notices Have 4 Beneficial
Eject On Sufferers.
DRESS SUITS AND PERYERsE BUTTONS.
They Make Men rrofane--A Case Of MIs-
taken ldentity--Ths swcct Pepper
Box Brigade"

nhe baby has been cutting at tooth fol
the past three days. and there has been
general suspension OF business In order
10 await the arrival OF the expected ivory
which will help 10 eat up my household
and Income In years 10 come. But this
Is not the thing that makes me grave-a
moro serious matter demands my atten-
tisa. A rich relative OF mine has been
critically III for several days past, and
now the doctor informs me that there are
strong hopes for his recovery. Every day,
MS my ksnsman sank lower and lower.
my hopes rose higher and higher, but
10 blue that nothing could make US cheer
sul.
To be honest, have been burning with
anxiety 10 read the last will and tesla
,nent' OF this relatiye--so anxious. In
fact that would be willing TO compro-
mise with the will and let the Testament
go for a year or so. We already have Il
Testament at oar house. 1t is almost
pew. although its been In the parlor
ten years
Now don't be shocked at my honesty.
fou all have tho same feeling about rich
relatives only you are not candid like
am. OF course. l have a long face on
Gand. and sufficient stock OF tears In
Seservc. but really If the sick man con-
Enues 10 set better. seriously fear shall
have TO shed them.
II reminds me OF the time / used 70 be
y knock-abOut reporter. In those halcyon
days when a prominent citizen was taken
.ll. and pronounced lin extremis," we
pcncil-pushers were forthwith detailed 10
get IN advance the data for his obituary
sketch. 10 was precautionary step that
we had TO take, for there was no telling
when the sufferer would pass away. This
practice-which aside from all Jesting-is
u very sensible one. still obtains in every
wel-regulated neWspaper-office. but nine
times out Of ten 10 saves the sick mans
life. In every case IL prolonged 1t for
weeks. could put my hands on the
death-notices Of scores of our leading men
iO-day-men who are now hale and
hearty. and eating three plates Of cab
bage-soup every day at dinner. In one
Instance we kept one Of these sketches
right years. and II / remember rightly.
she subject Of the article subsequently
came down and cheerfully corrected the
Rrrors In the proof-sheet. The individual
fn question was a vain man--not the
least Bit afraid Of newspaper notorety'-
pnd he was so pleased with the sketch,
that he afterwards told me that he
almost wished he had passed away just
20 he could have cotton the "send-off''--
That Is TO say. the newspaper "send-off,"
hot the send-off the-earth. He used TO
hang around the Office. and hint and hint
for Us 10 publish that story, until one day
] got desperate. md said: Look here,
ND fellow. I'll publish that sketch on one
condition" What is it?" he eagerly
ssked THAT you go off and die" l re-
piled; but the conditions were too severe
FOR him. and weighed down with in
Sutance-policies. he chung on to life for
b long time after that incident.
II writing n mans death-notice saves
his life nine times out of ten, the act OF
having cut made of him saves him every
time. OF course the newspapers don't
honor every man by trying to get pic
iure OF HMM fact, to have ones pic
ture published In a leading journal one
must be either president or a murderer
but when the special artist really does get
on the track of sick man. the sufferer
might az well dismiss his physicians at
bnce. This enterprise on the part of the
newspaper is a sure cure-a universal
panacea. Take this -dollar-shoe-
man." Douglas. for instance. You couldn't
Kill him with Gatling-gun, simply for
The reason that every sheet I'm the United
States has got his picture ready TO publish
il whenever he shuiiles off this mortal
coli. Douglas will be immortal. and it
IS the newspapers that have immortalized
him. In truth. l am not surprised that
cuts save a fellows life and ] have even
seen some published that were horrible
enough To make a dead man rise up out Of
his grave and seek revenge on the ar
fist
Speaking about cuts and engravings. 1t
reminds me of the way the newspapers
got fooled when little Grover Cleveland
was inaueurated last March. OF course
the pictures were fixed in advance, and
as the editors had been caught so often
they thought they would take especial
precautions 10 meet any emergency. They
had two sets of cuts made. One repre-
scented the inauguration on clear day.
and the other represented II on a rainy
day. On the evening before the great
event the newspaper-rhen chuckled In glee
at their forethought but. alas.-'on the
next day IL showed" and all their plans
were knocked sky-high.
II has always been a hard matter for
me TO determine whether 1 look like an
English lord or a head-waiter In my
u
suspicion cohyinces me that 1t is the lat
Ter. Certainly II IL one or the other. for
few people outside Of the nobility and the
hining-room gentry can afford such ele-
gance. II ~ not SO much the actual cost
Of the clothes Qor II you have an unsus-
pecting tailor you can get them for
nothing) as IL is the trouble one under
goes In putting them on. A man who can
don bis "swing-tail' without a ripple Of
~. 90 ka oaaop1 Iah
and the sublime serenity and self-con-
fentment which marks the faces Of those
who wear them II only acquired after
hours OF anguish. AS a general thing,
one wife is quite enough for me. but
when ! am preparing for a full-dress
Butcheftown soiree 1 feel that j need
dozen. Shirt buttons. as you know, are
like SOAP In one respect. They have a |
happy propensity for gliding out of your |
hands and secreting themselves under the
wash-stGnd. where the house-glri sweeps |
nll the dust. On such occasions as these |
Gou need a wife-yes, several wives-to |
bear your burdens-and to recover the |
lost buttons.
But the difficulty does not end here. |
After the buttons have been screwed In |
and arranged In such q manner as TO |
transfx you In their spiral folds. come |
the agonies Of the white cravat. You put |
az you get ready to depart In peace, you |
observe that II has slipped around and |
n facing the back OF your neck. Incident |
ally. while giving your face a caress with |
the towel you spatter your expansive |
shirt-bosom with water, and have TO re- |
peat your whole performance over-that |
Il. n you are so lucky az to possess too
shirts When you come home after the
bali you recall the fact that your |
trousers have no pockets In them, and
that you have left your keys on the |
bureau upstairs. Now possibly you may
not be In very good shape to ind the
keyhole under any circumstances, but
certainly the absence OF your night-latca
does not assist you In your efforts.
Didn't You feel funny the first time YOU
ever put on a dress suit? I thought =
WAS going all TO pieces-iH fact, ! feared
that . button had broken on somewhere /
Ny coat-tails completely demoralixed me.
and vas svfnay timid about sitting
down. for ! knew not what the results
would be. Somebody was telling me the
other day about rsraI Governor OF one
~ our southern States who was suddenly
elected 10 the Executive chair and found
himself oyerwhelmed with invitations to
A. sfafa Suta kA ~lH al No. L