The St. Johns herald., 1894-12-27
HAD ENOUGH OF SUBSTITUTES.
Homemade BOot5iaclinS and the Emba--
 rassrncrt It Caused a Texas Wooer.


 rassrncrt It Caused a Texas Wooer.
 Some gentlemen were discussing cur rent topics in the lobby of the St. George the other evening, when hopfen- weiss, the new prohibition substitute for beer, was drawn into the discussion, says the Baltimore News. Some had tried the new drink and pronounced it equal in point of flavor to the genuine article, and various opinions were ex- changed relative to the right of persons to sell it in local option communities. II am not competent to venture an opinion upon that phase of the ques- tion," said one of the party, 'but as a rule the man who monkeys with sub- stitutes usually comes to grief in one way or another. At any rate, that is my experience, and I will give you a case in point. In the early days of Texas, when few of the modern con- veniences that we now enjoy were ob- tainable, was living in the country, working on a farm. A man named Brown lived near my fathers. Well, one day I learned that couple of young ladies were visiting Mr. Brown and family. Of course, now, would have to go over and see the young ladies. had tolerable good suit of clothes, but my shoes were consider ably worn. and never having come in contact with blacling, very naturally were tough and unpleasant to the sight. So 1 set about trying to hit up- on schemes whereby could improve the complexion of my shoes. Finally an idea struck me and I smiled tri- umphantly as I congratulated myself on my shrewdness. I would take some soot from the chimney, use molasses as a vehicle, as the druggists say, and polish up my shoes with the compound. The soot would certainly make the shoes black enough and the molasses would hold it on. Capital idea. There fore I got to work and soon had my substitut~ ready and applied to the shoes.
 ''The effect was not to say artistic, but it made the shoes black, and that was the end 1 sought to achieve. A short walk soon brought me to our neighbor's, where the girls were visit ing, and on my arrival I was invited into the room which did service as parlor. The young ladies and I had exchanged few compliments relative to the weather when I unconsciously shifted my foot on the floor. Then my heart sank within me and I cursed the day that my inventive talent got the upper hand of me and I monkeyed with substitutes, for when moved my foot a swarm of flies filled the room and roared like bees. They had been after the molasses on my shoes, and the shifting of my foot had put them to fight. felt that my face was get ting unbecomingly red and my nerve began to fail me, but I made heroic effort to renew the conversation and stand my ground. But it was useless. I could see that the girls were all but dying to laugh, and reenforcements of flies were constantly appearing upon the scene. They roared and buZzed and fought each other for first place on my shoes. Directly 1 heard Mrs. Brown from the other room say: John nie, think l hear the bees swarming Go out and sec about them That was too much, and, gathering up my hat, I bade the young ladies 9 hurried good day and departed. enyeloped in halo of flies as big IS q balloon. As I closed the gate behind mo heard Johnnie shout: Nav, the bees ain't swarm in; they're after that young feller what just left here. He's been stealth honey and they're after him about it. Wush they'd sting the triflin' rascal to death, I do.' No, gentlemen, no sub stitutes for me, please. The bare men, ton of them makes my hair pull"