The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1894-05-01
The Major in a Good Humor-- Onions an
screens" Responsible--Lo owe
and the Remedies.

"Greens" RespOnsible--Lo "
and the Remedies.
B.-"Hellol Mr.. Editor"
R-''Good morning, Major Bilkins.
Hope you are we'll this morning"
B.-"Yes, I'm insplendid health. 1
v felt better in my life. I've bin
eatin' inguns an green's an my health
is improved a CRATE deel. GUIDE health
an GUIDE temper go hand in hand.
Inguns an green's fix up a feller's blood
in the spring an make him feel like
iumpin' a ten-rail fence. Betsy amt
half so ill sinse the winter weather wuz
over an inguns an green's cum inter
fashun ergin. Betsy hes bin 80 jolly
lately that I tole her I thought the mil
lenium wuz erbout b%eginnin'. She
lowed it liz away off yit, fer Cleveland
would reign a thousand years before
the millennium begins. I tell you, l
don't care erbout stayin' in this wurld
much longer if that is the case. Me
an Betsy wuz tellin' over our boyhood
days the other mite an she got rite
Jealous when I tole her how / use ter
luz a gurl down in Nash county when
/ Wuz a boy"
R.-"You had a pretty bad case, I
suppose"
Bad case. Why you orter seed
me. That CURL wuz so purity that the
flowers looked faded an withered be-
side her. Her teeth were like pearls
an her ruby lips were SO kissable that
no human could resist. I wuz erbout
IL then an foolish accordin.' 1t Wuzent
long till Mollie that wuz her nance
soured on my appearance. l went
home lookin' sadder nor a graveyard
an two funeral proceshuns. I wuz
down in the mouth bad. I kept mopin'
Ground till my mother suspected some
thin an she began ter ask questions
an look serious. I tole her I wuz sick.
Then she wanted ter see my tongue,
She lowed it wuzent coated a bit, and
wondered what in the wurld wuz the
matter. 1 tOle her it wuz sum ov them
~neW-fangled diseases whut the doctors
are alters huntin' up an givin' Latin
names to-. She lowed I must be billyus
If my tongue wuzent coated, an must
take sum calomel. I concluded ter
take the Calomel rather than tell whut
the trouble WUz, sc she fills up a whop-
PIN big dost. 1 tux it, but didn't get
emmy better. Then she fixed up a lot
ov snakeroot tea, mustard plasters,
powders an l don't know whut all. Ny
daddy cum home from Wilmington,
where he had gone ter market, erbout
that time. Mother tole him how sick
I wuz, an that l must hev
a doctor right away. I guess the ole
man had bin there himself fer he
WASH skeered. He tole mother that
I wuz sufferin' with the molly grubbs
or bolts or sumpthin' ov that sort an
LATED fit ter kill. Mother wouldn't
bleeve him, though; an kept on dosin
me with teas an things till 1 got well
an wished l never had hearn tell ov a
CURL with blue eyes and brindIe hair.
I never he'd a real bad case ergin till I
met up with Betsy. Sense that I've
he'd lots ov ups an downs, an hev often
wished I he'd run away an joined a
circus when I wuz ten years old. Boys
who are smart never fall in luve. 1t
is the boys with weak minds an soft
heads whut are always fallin' in luv
an gittin' broke awl up now an then.
Iexpect Betsy will raze a rookus when
she reads this, but 1 am ready ter die
at any time anyway. Good bye"
ZEBULON B. VANCE.