The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1894-12-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

VIII AND HUMOR.
If you would have things come your
way go after them-Gdluestors Neu's.
She-Isn't sugar fatteninge-He-I
never tried it. I'm no United States
Senator. Free Press.
Wool-Why is it that flies always
pick out baldheaded mane Van Pelt
Probably they don't relish hair re-
storer.
Ethel Knox-I wouldn't marry the
best man that ever lived. Jack Ash
But that is hardly a reason for refusing
me.-Harlem Life.
Theology isn't religion any more
than fashion-plate is suit of clothes,
remarked the Manayunk philosopher.
Philadelphia Record.
The smartest man in the world would
not consider it an intellectual feast if
he found it necessary to eat his own
words. GalveSOn NesOs.
1t is often a matter of surprise that
in buying appropriate floral emblems
for funeral florists show no design of
a pitchfork. Globe.
Debtor-rd like for you to give me
more time on that bill I owe you. Cred
itor-But, my dear sir, I have no time
to waste.-Detroit Free Press.
Clara-Dear me! Those toilet things
l ordered haven't come. Maude-Then
I don't suppose you'll have the face to
go to the ball tonight. t.-Lyc.
Barber-But you have paid me 10
cents too much. Van Pelt-That's all
right. That's tip for not asking me
if wanted a shampoo. Truth.
Aleck-Budd, the florist, lost for
tune last night. Isaac-Does he playP
Aleck-No. Frost killed two of his
plants Cleveland Plain Dealer.
A little boy on returning from Sun
day school said to his mother: This
catechism is too hard; isn't there any
kittychisms for little boys?"-TTt-Bits.
Mrs. Jones-There goes Mr.. Gray.
He's an octogenarian. Mrs. Robinson
Are you sure of thatp / have always
understood he was Unitarian. Boston
Transcript.
81 told my friend Emma, under prom
ise of the strictest secrecy, that am en-
gagged to the Lieutenant, and the spite
full thing actually kept the secret. -
Fziegende BIatter.
Senator Itchpalm failed to get re-
elected, ehp He'll have long spell of
doing nothing now, suppose" "Yes, a
sort of sugar loaf as you might say
Buffalo Courier.
Jinks-There is one drawback to
these self-made men that they usually
overlook. Filkins-What is itp Jinks
They're seldom able to select their
materials.
Judge-You say your boy was kept
in the house nights and read books.
What booksP Father (of the youthful
accused 1.-The Boy Bandits of Bombay
series.-Bostoas Transcript.
Impecune-Ah, good morning, Mr..
Scissors. What is the condition of trade
this morningp Scissors, the Tailor
(promptly)-Cash in your case, Mr..
Impecune. Courier.
First Passenger-What gives you the
idea that we are about to have squallsG
Second Passenger just heard the
captain giving orders to set out the
spanker. Richmond Dispatch.
Teacher-An axiom is self-evident
truth. What ever goes up is sure to
come down" Is that an axiomP Boy
Guess so-unless folks is talkin' about
the price of coal.-Good Ne0s.
Cholly-Ethel Knox told me last
night l wasn't over haf-witted. Susie
Il shouldn't feel badly about that; she
never did know anything about frac-
tions.-Kate FIELDS Washington.
"Now see the point" said the hap.
less dog to the barbed wire fence thai
he ran against. "Yes, I thought you
would, {" said the fence II tried to i'm.
press it upon you."-N Y. World.
An Irishman asked Scotchman one
day "why railway engine was always
called she." Perhaps it's on account
of the horrible noise it makes when il
tries to whistle. ."-Pedrson's Weekly.
Wife-pd just like to know where
these contemplate jokers get their ideas
of mothers-in-law. Husband-Um-I
don't know. Perhaps they used to be
divorce-court reporters.-M 7. Weekly.
ave can dispense without you" The
sentence is not so ungrammatical as il
sounds. 1t was spoken by an apothe-
cary to a prescription clerk whom he
had just discharged Youths C07epG7a-
ion.
Hausfrau (to dunning tradesman)- -
If tomorrow is bad weather l shall be
able to pay you. But if it is good wealth
er you need not call, as we shall need
the money to go to picnic. F1iege,ade
Blatter.
Maud-And the last thing that Hen
ry did was to give me a kiss. Mabel
Gealous) Indeed! I should think that
is about the last thing he would do
Gossip.
"The Vigilant doesn't seem to be do,
ing very well on the other side" said
Podgers. "Oh, nonsense; wait She's
tired. After she's had a rest from the
trip over she'll do BETTER" said Hicks
HG1per's Bazaar.
"Timmins' father says he is going to
cut him off with shilling" "What did
Timmins sayp" HE asked if he could
MT arrange to leave him out of the will
entirely and give him the shilling now. "
Washington Star.
"Wife back from the country, Daw-
son?" "Yes-just got back" Didn't
she stay longer than usualP" "Yes.
Couldn't afford to leave, there were so
many servants to tip. She had to stay
until half of 'em had gone. ."-Harper' 5
Bazaar.
Pattie Popley- hate widows! That
horrid Mrs. Weeds is the most selfish
woman ever saw. She is always look
ing out for Number One. Sallie Slydig
I don't think so. She seems to me to
be always looking out for Number Two.
N 7. World.
He-Have you decided what to give
your old aunt for birthday PRESENT.
She-No; but now come to think OF
it, the poor old maid has had very little
pleasure all her life; you might gust
write her an anonymous love-letter.-
FIGegersde Bt0tter.