Asheville daily citizen., 1894-09-27
TOO MANY COLONELS.
North Dakota Is Being Overrun
with Them.
Like the Festive Grssshopper, Thoy Mul.
tlply and Swarm Over tho
State-No Privates Are
Among Them.

Colonels are getting to be nearly a.
great nuisance as the Russian cactus,
says the Fargo Argus. They are mul.
tiplying and increasing with danger
Gus rapidity. You can scarcely throw
u stone at @ dog without running the
risk Of accidentally hitting a colonel.
Colonels In mutt, which may be broad
cloth or corduroy, In stable frocks or
barlseepers' aprons, taking orders for
books or rubber stamps or selling put
ent medicines or plasters, arc as COM
mon Us straight whisky In Kentucky
or as new theories Of government in a
populist mass-meeting It was once
proposed to raise regiment composed
entirely Of colonels The troubles now
adays would be not to get the regiment,
but to select from enough applicants for
On army corps Fargo alone could prob
ably furnish more coloncls than there
arc In the active list Of the army-and
some OF Fargo's colonels are men who
really have served In the army, which
distinguishes them from the colonels
OF most communities. The captain" :"
the ledge" and the major" arc not
TO be mentioned In the same day with
the colonels. These old relics Of south
ern barrooms nre vastly In the minor
ity, and the day Of the colonels is at
hand
Like the lilies of Egypt they throng;
like the grasshoppers Of Missouri they
congregate. From every station In
life, from every profession, Of every
age and condition, there are colonels
to the right and left, colonels ad lib
itum and ad nausesm. From whence
this great aggregation Of colonelistic
talent? Where have been bred the
eagles TINT have swooped down and
roasted upon all these shoulders? Some
Of them were infants in arms when the
late war closed, some Of them were
manipulators Of hotel registers and
concocters Of the tittilating cocktail
while tho war ragged, and some have
been tenders OF equestrian steeds since
they have been high enough to reach a
stirrup, How come these to be dubbed
"colonel?"
Faithful and persistent inquiry
among the coloncls themselves throws
little light upon the subject. Some
cannot claim anything better than
that their wives people kept hotel
where the soldiers boarded. They do
not claim, even, that they themselves
kept the hotels. There would seem to
be 4 shadow Of reason why the ma
jestic creature, In q clean, starchetl
shirt and Alaskan diamond pin, look
Ing complacently 70 heaven as he
balances toothpick with his lips and
thrusts penholder at q guest, should
be called by q high-sounding military
title, but to dub man colonel only be.
cause his father-in-law's brother kept
clearinghouse seems to be strain.
ing Q point. Another colonel, when
asked as to his command, hemmed q
little, put on frown, supposed to be
fierce, pulled his shirt collar q little
higher, and replied that he had for
gotten the number Of his regiment.
ut was so long ago, You know, and ]
have always had q bad head for fig.
ures." Another explained that hav.
ing formed partnership with major,
who was a junior In a concern, It be.
came necessary, rs matter Of disci.
pline TO the help, thut he should rank
his partner. The fact remains, how.
ever, that the colonels are overrunning
the earth and consuming the substance
thereof. Privates are us scarce as the
teeth OF hens. Most unmilitary people
think that corporal is the higher OFF,
Ger, and whoever hears Of scrgeanti
There is general impression abroad
that o colonel has something to dc
with horscs--something between far
rier and veterinary surgcon-and the
real colonels, the few who really bore
Uncle Sans commission Us such, arc
without honor In the country where
mock colonels constitute majority o.
the male population over the ago Of
twenty,