The Evening dispatch. [volume] (Provo, City, Utah) 1891-1895, 1894-12-21
THE MAJOR ESCAPED.

If ever there was foreordained old
bachelor, that man was Major Teller
He was a dapper, thin little man,
something under feet in height, with
glossy black wig, closely trimmed
side whiskers, and costume SO daintily
neat that he reminded you of shining
black cat
1t was high noon on sparkling
windy March day when Major Teller
came home to the antique down town
boarding house where he had vegetated
for the last 90 years and went to his
room to brush his wig for the midday
meal. Opening the door, he stumbled
over an obstacle in the way:
''Oh, I beg your pardon, I'm sure, -
said the major, turning very red and
recovering his footing with difficulty.
1t was Miss Patience Pettigrew, on
her hands and knees, cleaning off the
oilcloth at the doorl
Now, the major was afraid of Miss
Patience-afraiG of her as the plump
lamb fears the gaunt wolf or the unof-
Tending robin the dire serpent.
Miss Patience was tall and lean and
sallow, but she curled her hair, and
wore an artificial rose over her left ear,
and sang little whistling tunes to lit
tie spindle legged piano, and firmly be-
lieved that if she only waited a little
longer she should get married to some
body.
Its Of no consequence, major, said
Miss Patience, recovering her piece of
soap, which had skirmished out to the
middle of the carpet.
THANK you.
ST do wonder, major, said Miss Pa
thence, with premonitory giggle, "why
you never got married. -
The major retired precipitately be-
hind the coal souttle and made no re-
ply.
you'd be so much more comfortable,
you know" added Miss Patience.
Dear me, that was very narrow es-
cape, " thought our hero, emerging from
his sanctuary. "Some day she'll be too
much for me. I'll look for new place
tomorrow.
Dear me, major, you have no appe-
tite," said Miss Patience sweetly at
the dinner table.
''No, ma 'am," said the major.
Don't you know, major, people will
say you are in love if you don't eat
more?"
ST won't go back to that house if
can help it," thought Major Teller,
brushing the cold dew away from his
forehead with crimson handkerchief.
tHer intentions are serious; I know
they are
And the major in his innermost mind
reviewed the catechism and hymns he
had learned as child, trying to think
if there was not some invocation partic-
uiarly suited to an elderly gentleman in
great peril and perplexity.
'It's 20 years since I've been in the
inside of church" thought the peni-
tent old offender. II wish 1 had gone i,
little more regularly. wonder if it's
too late in life to reform. :"
For the major, poor old gentleman,
had vague idea that religion" would
be sort of safeguard against the wiles
of his fair enemy.
AS Major Teller was frantically re-
volving these things in his mind he
came to sudden and involuntary stand
still. There was crowd gathered in
the street-a fallen omnibus horse, or an
arrested pickpocket, or some other nu-
cleus.
Now, of all things, Major Teller most
dreaded crowd, and he looked around
neryously for some means of escape
An old fashioned church, with open
doors and some sort of service going
on inside, caught the majors eye. He
made an instantaneous dart for its huge
gothic portals, shielded by inner doors
of green baize.
The church was very warm, and the
light, softened by purple and golden
and crimson glass, was dim, and the cler-
gyman's voice rather monotonous, and
Major Teller was unconsciously becom
ing rather drowsy, when a plump old
lady came in, and the sexton beckoned
him from his seat.
But the sermon was over, and people
were streaming down the aisle, and the
major felt that he did not care to pro-
long the thing and that he had done
very laudable act in coming to church,
and
Even while these ideas were passing
indistinotly through his brain he was
borne toward the altar in an upward
eddy of the crowd and felt gaunt arm
thrust through his
Protect me, MAORI" whispered Miss
Patience Pettigrew. "I'm so feared in
a crowd always. -
The major strove to withdraw his
arm, but Miss Pettigrew would not let
him. They were standing directly in
front of the altar arm in arm. The min
lister, old and nearsighted and little
deaf, advanced, probably concluding
that his services were required.
Major Teller's blood ran cold. He
tried to protest. but his tongue seemed
paralyzed. Miss Pettigrew had captured
him as a lamb for the slaughter, and
where was the use of further struggle?
A few words-an appallingly brief
ceremony-and Major Teller was mar
ried to Miss Patiencel
''Take the market basket, my dear,
said the gaunt bride, "and stay-you'd
better carry the umbrella too. Well
90 right home. Old folks like yon and
me dom care for wedding6ours, do WEI"
The major looked piteously at his
better half and made no answer. She,
however, waited for none, but drew him