Waterbury evening Democrat. [volume] (Waterbury, Conn.) 1887-1895, 1894-06-07
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. DosEs!2

ZEN-TWENTY-TIIREE DOeES!'
the professor. AS he entered the door he
fired with the gun in his right hand and
smashed lamp chimney, while n bullet
from the gun i'll his left shattered the stop
per of n decantcr behind the bar. Then he
walked up IL the bar and yelled
''Pizcn-23 doses
Then he turned his back to the bar and
his face to the % men in the place and
yelled:
Come up, you critters"
" nile VIC were imbibing the cowboy
gave an exhibition of his skill with the re
volvcr by plugging various articles scat
tered around the room and finished by
snuf1fng u lighted cigar held in the teeth of
the barkccper The professor was delight
cd. 1t is his opinion that the cowboy is a
relic of the stone age, and he has hopes of
finding n complete skeleton in some of the
gravel beds of Arizona. From the most
reliable data ut hand it is believed that the
ancient cowboy was IL feet h 9Th and car
ricd four guns, and that he could stand
up to Il bar and drink from six to eight
glasses of pizcn without affecting him in
the slightest Professor Markham is salts
fed, however, that the modern two gun
specimen is an improvement in many re-
spects, and he will so report.
1t fortunately happened while we were
CScorting sc professor around town that
old Bill Schemcrhorn happened to re-
member that he was owing us one He
took three or four drinks, mounted his ca
yuSc and rode out TO the old fort From
thenr, he sent word to lis that we wCr,' a
coyote, reptile and crittcr, and that he
proposed to die with his boots on We
have always had ii curiosity TO know just
what epoch old Bill belonged to, and hav-
ing aroused the curiosity of the professor
we borrowed mule for him, and the pair
of us set out for the scene of action. On
the way out to the fort our visitor discOV-
cred several evidences of the glacial period
and little later discovered old Bill him
self He was riding around in circle,
bars beaded and hair Gying, and while yet
half a mile away he could be heard yell
ing:
''Whe oop! I ar ole Bill Schcmcrhorr,
the father in law of tornadocs and the only
brother of the blizzard which friz 400 In
juns as stiff as crowbars, When I lie down
at night piller my head on grizzly b'ar
with teeth foot long! When walk about
by day, use the claws of mountain lion
fur shirt buttons! Whc-oop! I ar q mix
ture of cold pizen, chain lightnin, red
thundcrbolts and heavin earthquakes! I
look at reptile, and ho is paralyzcdl I
breathe on u critter, and he drops dcad!'
To say that Professor Markham was de-
lighted is drawing it mild. He rubbed his
hands and chuckled and declared that old
Bill was the missing link between the
rhinoceros and the alligator He wanted
to go up and rub his fur and examine his
joints, but we advised him to hold on I'M
til we had finished. Old Bill has broken
loose several times, and we know just how
to manage him. While he was cavorting
around and defying us we gathered up our
cayuse and rushed him. He got in two
wild shots before our outfit struck his and
rolled him and his beast over and over in
the sand. We had him tied hand and foot
before he recovered consciousness.
When the professor came to examine his
Uranium, he announced that old Bill was
descended from race which inhabited
this country about the year $50, but after
a careful inspection of his cars and teeth
he was inclined to the opinion that the
mans genealogy did not go back more
than ], 900 years. He further stated that
old Bill was not even remotely related to
thunderbolts, alligators, chain lightning
or cyclones, but that his ancestors were
race of root caters and could be chased all
around the barnyard by jack rabbit. Mr..
Schemerhorn cried like child when the
professor gave him this information, and
it is whispered around town that he has
gone out into the wilderness to commit
suicide. The professor has gone over to
epoch the editor Of The Banner belongs
to, and wo bespeak for him the hearty
cooperation of all good citizens