Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1894-11-11
THEY AXE UNHAPPY.
THE WALTON CHICKEN COOP.
Tho Idisr Sadly Discusses Pelitics-He
Sends Greetings and Compliments
20 Dauville Friends.

All tnis talR ABOUT pr1deS ana grocmS
being so happy during their honeymoons
Is popacock. For my part. think they
are excruciatingly miserable until they
settle down into the hum-drum existence
doesn't necessarily folow-.no. not by
any means. From the time the victims
or the matrimonial ENHANCEMENT start
out on their wedding tour until they re-
turn home they are watched and ridi-
cnled. and nothing they do escapes de-
lection. The more the groom tries not
to be "spoony." the "spoonier" he looks.
for his new shoes and white cravat are
an open confession OF his guilt. and the
tender. unsuspecting manner I'm which he
Is peeped at by the lady OF his choice
betokens her novitiate as wife. Wher-
ever they go-he with the shoes so new
ana the cravat so white, and she with the
travelling suit of tan"-they are watched
and commented upon. and the world
expects them to he ridiculous. 1t Is no
use struggling against It. for even
though you comported yourself with the
dignity OF monarch, the public would
still see something funny In your move
ments. II seems peculiar that the secret
should leak out in spite OF everything;
but 1t does, and so you might az well
make UP your mind to grin and bear
IL. In vain do you endeavor not to
look sheepish. and to assume a brotherly
air towards your new acquisition. for that
game doesn't work. You might as well
go right ahead and peck her squarely on
her face whenever an osculatory fancy
fFf1r -
world by your frigidity towards her.
Don't try not to be affectionate. You
may struggle against 1t as much as you
Will, but the remnants of the rice
grains will hang around you still.
And yet must confess that II had
to go through with II all again | verify
believe / would try TO murder the man
who attempted to throw an old shoe at
me Especially baby shoe) or made an
EFFORT to cover me with rice. One grain
or the stuff IN your shoe feels like a young
mountain. and when n handful of ii
grlnds your yertebra you know that you
could commit two or three murders with
out the slightest qualms of conscience.
Marriages are all right-we couldn't get
along without them-but the erdeal
through which the contracting parties
BtEo 10 SlIlClcut 10 utI1tHu InuG1
higher compensation than they generally
get in after years. The whole populace
pours into tho church to see the cere-
mony, and the rites are now regarded
with so much levlty and curiosity that I
would not be surprised In a short while
TO see the spectators using opera-glasses
and eating carOmels In the moments or
expectancy Immediately preceding the
entry of the cortege. And then. too, the
bride. on this momentous occasion, has
so much to accomplish. for the wriggllns
congregation is critical to an extreme,
and II she doesn't come up to expectations
they fiay her alive. She Is required, above
all things, to look coy and TO blush
sweetly as she edges her way towards
the altar Nobody expects much Of the
groom. except that he should appear
spoony, though the slightest wrinkle in
his hymeneal coat-tail will subject him
10 scorching ridicule and heap. universal
odum upon him. Altogether, I think II
requires both nerve and unselfshness TO
get married nowadays, and while 1 en-
courage 1t in others. I tremble at the
thought Of II when L imagine myself as
40 Of the nrIncipals In sreh an affair.
Somehow or other the general public
has taken It into its wayward head that
/ am a politician. and that l am an au-
thority on political questions, though how
this idea became prevalent Is more than
can guess. At first | encouraged the
deiusion by LOOKING wise always most
judiciouS scneme) when questions con-
cerning statesmen were put to me. My
owlish aspect, aided by Il silence which
was the result of Ignorance. created the
impression that / was perfect Solomon
on Democratic Issues, and recently / have
been consulted on all matters pertaining
10 the welfare OF this grand old party.
| Will state parenthetically, however, that
the results OF the election throughout the
Union last Tuesday were not tho out
come of my suggestions. Colonel John
Bell Bigger, in prosnosticating the re-
suits of the contest week or 50 ago,
said that whatever the finale might be.
the country In general could not shake
its CORY locks at Virginia and say: Thou
didst it!' So now, repeating the language
OF my friends Bigger and Shakespeare,
/, for my part, add: Thou canst not
say 1 ala H." Bright and early | went
into the little Walton chicken-coop,
scratched my ticket with all the energy
OF a hen scratching up fower-garden,
and proudly cast my ballot for the true
principles OF Jeffersonian Democracy.
whatever they may be. 4 little tear oozes
ont OF my eye as | erased the name OF
that embryo Grover Clevel1nd who gloats
in the name OF Martin Meredith Lips
comb. but duty demanded that Elicit
should have my aIl-powerful support.
The Walton bill may be all right, and
certainly II I've got TO read II through
I've no improvements to make, but, TO
save my long and useful life. / cannot
see what good that little booth does. Ii
reminds me of the apartments in a tailor
ing establishment. where one goes to try
on pants. When / withdrew myself far
from the madding crowds ignoble strife.
behind the curtain of the tiny box, / felt
an almost irresistible impulse 10 remove
that article OF clothing known as my
trousers, but. remembering that this was
not the object OF my errand / abstained
from the proceeding. l gloated over the
privacy Of the apartment. and wished L
had my shaving equipment with me, so
that / could 80 through the suicidal per-
formance OF throat-cuttlng, and emerge
with my face foliage clipped for the con-
test. But it's all over now, and my friend
ID. Hill Is looking for himself In New
York with lantern, while the sage OK
Buzzard's Bay, G. Cleveland, Is chewing
the political rag of disappointment in the
White House. though perhaps chuckling
over Davy's downfall, and doubtless MUIR
muring joyfully: HE monkeyed with me
not wisely but too much"
The girl who sent me the crotcheteu
baby-shoes from Danvilie last week per-
formed deed that went straight home
TO me-straight to a tiny cradle in a little
cottage on "Penitentiary Terrace" she
has my thanks, and will also have those
of the infant when he fully awakes 10
an appreciation Of the kindness conferred
upon him. Anything that comes from
Danville will be welcomed by me, whether
1t be Johnny Boswell. William p. Redd.
or plug Of chewing-tebacco from the
grand old town. love the nation. People
who can sport as much at the Blue Ridge
as do these chivalric PittsylyanIans de-
serve recognition wherever the sun sets.
and at my cottage the "he-pig and corn
bread" always awaits them. Danyilie
hasn't quite gotten up to Chicago or Lon
don In population. but those good peo-
pie who are there have jolly way or
spreading themselves OUT like a setting
hen. until each man counts for twenty.
have an exalted idea Of that town. for
drank fifteen glasses OF champagne