The Penn's Grove record., 1894-07-27
Wit and Hu1nor.

''This is certainly q hand to mouth
existence" remarked the dentist
Washington Star.
How many things there are to laugh
ct in this world to the girl who has
pretty teeth and dimples. -Texas Sift-
ings.
The time that most men waste in ex-
planning their failures would, il prop
erly employed, put them on their feet
again.-Puck.
Impresslonist - "Now, candidly,
what do you think 1 ought to get for
it?" Critic-"A hiding place. "-Kato
Fields Washington.
"How are you getting on with your
bicycle riding, Dick?" Dick-"1
spend most of my time getting on
Chicago Inter-O Ocean.
It does not follow that o person will
become q successful fisherman just be-
cause he has a pull on the lines.
Rochester Democrat.
1t is the cynical bachelor who thinks
that most ~marriageable young women
have graduated from the school of de-
sign.-Lowell Courier.
The long-winded story teller seems
to base his Claims to reliability on the
fact that he is never short in his &C.
counts. w Star.
One of the latest arrivals at Jackson
Park is an orang-outang from Java,
and visitors are cautioned not to mon.
key with him. Chicago Tribune.
'Vyhy are you so sure that Dempsey
doesn't know anything about base
ball?" Jupiter, mani He's been an
umpire for years."-Chieago Inter
Ocean.
No machine aver invented will begin
to stand the wear and tear and abuse
that the human stomach will, and still
keep working on.-Dansyille IN. ~
Breeze.
ST amt much at the PLAINLY" said
the coal yard employe as he adjusted
the weight of a load of coal, ''but I'm
great at runnin' the scales. Washing
ton Star.
"And is the air healthy here?" asked
o visitor ut q mountain resort. Sex
c~ellent, sir, excellent. One can be-
come q centenarian here in q little
while. It'd Bits.
81 tell you, there's nothing like cool
ness in the presence of danger" said
Juggins. mo-" replied Jaggins that's
what keeps people from being sun
struck. "-Washington Star.
"You don't seem to know me-" said
the ward worker to the ''boss," ms lie
unrolled his petition. "Your face IS
very familiar" said the "boss,' ''but
Tcan't place you. "-Philadelphia Press.
Mary had a little lamb.
She gave her head q toss
And sent il buck because she lacked
The mint to make the sauce.
Washington Star.
"What are you rcnding?" said one
clerk in o brokers' offics to another.
ga work on the theory of money"
''That's no good. What We want is the
practice of money Washington Star.
Cholly-"Do you ever have moments
when you feel like doing something
nbsurd?" Myrtylla-''Yes, indeed.
Why, when you proposed to me last ]
felt for a moment like accepting YOU"
New York Herald.
"You should see Mrs. Bunkins and
her daughter in their new dreases,'
said the marksman's wife. "They are
sights." ''I've seen thcm," replied tLe
opticians's wife. 81 never saw sucl
spectaeles. "-Washington Star.
{ "There is not much similarity he
tween our wnysof earning livelihood
said the dentist to the paint mnnufac'
turor. "No," admitted the manufae'
turez, sthero is not. I grind %colors.
while you Gull grinders. "-Indianapoli:
Journal.
The Coroner in Boston is said 10 be
awaiting the suicide Of a poet in thai
city who wrote about clasping "IhC
!. two tremulous hands" of his lady love,
, but which the printer made to rea(
'the two tremendous hands. New
York World.
Mrs. Carper-"Yos, my dnughte'
! was crazy to got married and che mar
J ried O man who mas failed in evcrythir;
: he has undertaken" Mrs. Rox lwhos'
husband has failed for o miEion)--
"Graciousl They must be immensel.
rich. New York Press.
!, Manager ''Say, Doctorl I sen
! my leading man around to you to-day
He's complaining of stupor and al
that. What's tho matter with HING
Doctor-"His liver refuses to act.
Manager-"I wish he was as sensible
rs his liver ."-Pnaton Cnirinr
Powdered charcoal, If laid thick OF
Ia burn, causes the immediate abate
ment of pain. A superficial burn car