The Olneyville tribune. (Providence, R.I.) 1893-189?, 1894-08-18
The HONEST BURGLaR.
BY II. Q. DODGE.

| am in the burgling business, and
! maintain that il can be conducted
as honestly as any other. Perhaps |
am mistaken, but | certainly raised
it to much higher level than it was
when first / selected that means of
livelihood.
My motto, Honesty is the Best
Policy-See, is neatly engraved on
all my professional tools and my
title Of "The Honest Burglar" will
60 on my tombstone in due time, and
when my strictly honorable exploits
can be safely mentioned with pride
by my relatives and friends.
/ always made a point Of seeking II
foeman worthy Of my steal. Never
do / enter house no matter what in
ducements its contents may offer
which has not the very latest scien-
tifc burglar projections. Ordinary
locks and bolts ! positively refuse to
attack and carelessly left open doors
and windows / disdain to make use
of. / leave those little tidbts for
dishonest burglars who take not the
professional pride that | find so high
toned and profitable and SO encour.
aging to ones self-respect.
Now that | have introduced my
honest self I'll tell story.
A wealthy chap who had made his
millions in u way despise had erect
ed mansion with all the finest cleo
trical burglar alarms known TO date.
Every door and window was doubly
protected so the slightest touch after
the wires were set would jangle num-
berless bells and turn on the lighted
gas all over the house in a brilliant
illumination. In addition to all that
melodious display there were tell
tale steps on each staircase and
tempting bits OF silverware connect
ed with wires to the main battery
lept in plain sight by the safe in the
dining-room.
All these imposing preparations, so
expensive and troublesome for their
owner gave to me a glorious delight,
looking forward to attacking them
with small boys Fourth Of July
enthusiasm.
At last the battle night came, a nd
with it Mr.. William Mummer, my
active partner in the business.
Mr.. Mummer was highly respected
in the profession. Like myself, he
never stopped to conquer, and was
equally noted for his gentlemanly
ways and sturdy honesty.
Only once in his busy life was he
ever taken in and done for, and l
couldn't blame him bit, either.
You see he was making profess
sional call on rich bachelor, and
while putting things away in the
handsome room he was painfully sur
prised by the sudden arrival Of his
host with some gentleman friends.
Not willing to seem intrusive, Mr..
Mummer quietly slipped under the
bed to await an opportunity for de-
parting pleasantly.
From his snug retreat Mr.. Mum
mer beheld six well-polished boots
spread themselves comfortably sn the
Turkish rug, evidently in shape to
stay awhile, despite Williams anxiety
to catch the train for home.
Soon the jolly gentlemen lighted
cigars and commenced telling funny
STORIES ending each with a chorus Of
hearty laughter.
William, who understood the proper
etiquette of not mixing in where he
wasn't wanted, kept becoming
silence until a funnier story than
usual was told, and then, after an
agonizing struggle to choke his un-
fortunate mirth, he exploded with a
tremendous haw-haw-hawl" which
frightened the gentlemen shame
fully.
1t is needless to say that Mr.. Mum
mer had ample time afterward to en-
Joy the joke while taking a little va
cation from business in the State
Laundry.
But he soon recovered my respect
for his sterling qualities by a trick
he played when cornered in a fash
ionable boarding house one night.
While the landlady was ringing the
big bell and the alarmed boarders
were searching for him with guns,
Mr.. Mummer entered deserted
room and promptly went to bed with
his boots on. There, with the blanke,
tucked tightly under his handsome
chin, he lay yelling as loud as the
loudest and grandly ordering the
bold warriors with guns from hi,
room when they rushed in to see Il
he was being murdered. Twas lucky
his bed belonged to terror-stricker
maiden lady who had sought refuge
Observation-Disclosures Mr.. Mummei
might not have been so very smart
after all. But he got out OF his scrap,
at daylight and took his swag, too