Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1894-08-17

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have eve been impaired physically by any
kind of manual labor, and they are the
only aggregation of men in the country
who can do as little and eat as much as
congress. They could hardly be termed a
standing army, they're too tired to do any
standing, but il you will give them plenty
to ;eat, a liberal allowance of spending
money and nothing whatever to do, you
will always find them where you don't
want 'em IN case you need them. They
are an intermediate class between the
Salvation army and the Tammany society,
combining the flinty nerve of the former
with the dazzling morality Of the latter.
They will be thrown in as q bonus with
congress.
And now, Dole, let me heal from you.
Come over and see me, and iii arrange to
have a troop Of regulars escort us about
the capitol, where you may see my con-
gress browsing peacefully upon the indus
tries of the nation. Come over, Sandy (I
may call you Sandy, mayI not?) and I'll
snow you the busiest congress that ever
did nothing. Yours,
GROVER CLEVELAND.
I am deeply touched with the tone of
the presidents letter. It is written in a
forgiving spirit, and with an intense de-
sire to benefit MI. Dole.
l understand the reply of President
Dole to the letter of Mr.. Cleveland, an
advance proof of which I gave the public
yesterday, has been received at the
White house. The reply is somewhat of
a disappointment to the president, who
fancied he might engineer a deal with
Dole, and he has telegraphed me the
substance Of the answer, which is just
about as expected it would be, a polite
but firm refusal Of Cleveland's PROPOSE
ton. Mr.. Dole writes as follows:
HONOLULU, HAWAII, Aug. g., 1894.
MY dear Grover: With one foot upon
the overturned throne OF the defunct queen,
n the other projecting into the salty air
Just over the Pacific ocean, from the win
dow OF the executive council chamber, L
lay aside the dignity which accrues to nv
official position for a sufficient length of
time to jot down a few brief reasons why
l am unable to take advantage of yotnr
generous offer Of a few days ago. Laying
aside what may have been our differences
IN the past, Grover, let us grasp hold of the
tin dlpper of common sense with a firm
and steady hand, and 60 down into the
rain barrel OF reason for good, sound argu.
ments.
l an grieved to say, Grover, that 1 have
too large a supply Of embryotic senators
n congressman already, to permit of my
consideration of your proposition to fur
nlsh me with a ready made congress, and
until the completion of the governments
prison at Oahua is accomplished. am un-
able to provide a proper sphere for any
more. l have noticed, and perhaps in the
long and signally successful period in
which you have busted yourself in getting
down lower in the esteem of the general
public, you have done the same, that the
crop OF lawmakers is rapidly increasing,
year by year. I understand that in the
United States, your farmers are growing
corn altogether by act of congress. Over
here we have not come down to real earn
est work in the lawmakfng line as yet, but
as soon as we do, we intend to enact a law
Tor the receding of the Pacific ocean a few
hundred feet, to provide a grand stand to
accommodate the people of the republic
VINO come TO have laws made for their
especial benefit.
l realize, that in declining your offer, I
am voluntarily relinquishinga glorious on
p%ortunity. But I cannot help it. l do not
feel that it would be an act of Justice to
import a congress, when I can find native
legislators who are suitably incompetent.
AS l look out Of my chamber window, I
can see fully a hundred men fishing in the
waters of Blount creek and waiting to be
elected to congress. Then again, far over
at the east end of the. Honolulu National
bank, I can see a small man with a voice
which weighs thirty-two ounces to the
pound frantically gesticulating at an iron
statute OF the deceased king. When the
statue begins to totter, he will take a brief
rest for lunch, after which he will read
900 pages OF Robert Elsmere to prove that
the sardlne industry is too highly pro-
tected. He is practicing for the senate.
which is about to be organized, and ex-
poets to have the statue melted in a few
days.
The question of title, also, is a serious
one, and l do not see how you could dis
pose of the entire senate, even were | dis
posed to make the purchase. 1 understand
Mr.. Havemeyer's interest in that BODY is
quite extensive, and that he wants a con
considerable raise in his purchase price
before he will sell again.
What the United States needs, Grover.
aside from a few, easily adjusted congress
slonal gags, is flaw which will raise thirty
bushels of wheat to the acre, lower the
price OF everything your people want to
Duy, II raise the price of everything they
nave to sell; which will plant potatoes in
the spring, and dig 'em in the fall, figure
up the capitalists incomes and whack 'em
up among the poorer classes, adjust wages
SO that everybody shall get more than any
BODY else, give every man a railroad pass
and a telegraph frank, leave ice at the
front door in the morning and build the
kitchen fires, clean the parlor lambs, and
adjust economics so that a man may earn
$12 worth of money with Is cents worth of
work, and buy 1926 worth OF wares for it.
Your present laws are too feeble. You
need q law which is powerful enough to do
its own cooking, and take in washing on
week days. Give the populists a whack
at the government. They are the only
persons l can think of who are fully able
to finish up what business there is left in
your country, and drape it suitably for
burial.