Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1894-01-26
The Council then adjourned.
Another NOn-LOseable Umbrella.

VAsHoN COLLEGE, Jan. 20, 1894.
Ed. STANDARD:
/ have read in a late number of
your valuable paper the details in re-
gard to recently invented "non-
loseable umbrella" The statement is
made that the inventor is a Washing
ton man and the description as pub
lished by you recites that the handle
of the umbrella is hollow and conceals
phonograph so arranged that when
picked up by the umbrella tiend or
thief, an alarm is sounded at once and
the cry "Stop thief" ETC., arouses
everybody in the neighborhood, much
to the chagrin and shame of the
would-be umbrella stealer.
Now, Mr.. Editor, this is ali very we'll,
and perhaps the phonogragh umbrella
might be made under favorable cir
cumstances practical affair. But
the object of this letter is to announce
new style Of non-loseable, unstealable
umbrella that knocks the phonograph
device into the blackness of darkness.
For this wonderful continuance /, too,
have received not a patent, but a
caueat pending some other improve
ments.
My umbrella secretes in the upper
part of the handle self-acting storage
battery of many hundred volts power
of course, not strong enough to electro
cute an able bodied man, but so near
it that there would be no fun in per-
forming the experiment.
! went over to Tacoma the other
day and set down my new tangled ma
chine in the umbrella rack that stands
just inside the reading room of the
public library. OF course, before
leaving it l had adjusted the metallic
plate on top of the knob so a thief
would only need to touch the button"
and the umbrella would do the rest.
Well, sat down at the table and
had got fairly interested in the latest
Washington, ID. c. news, when 10! the
most internal yell that ever escaped
from human lungs startled everybody
in the room, and / myself jumped
clear out from under my hat so it fell
right end up on the floor. A woman
in gold nose-glasses, who was reading
a magazine near me, went into bona
fde faint, SO great was the poor
creatures fright. OF course, it turned
out that the fellow who fetched the
unearthly yell had tried to pick up my
umbrella and it had only performed
its legitimate functions. AS we all
turned to see what the matter was,
his coat-tails were just cracking
through the door. The library rooms
are on the fifth floor of the city hall,
but the thief was in too much of a
hurry to wait for the elevator, so he
dashed down the four flights of stairs
yelling" Earthquake! %" EarthquakeW
at every jump. Once upon the side
walk, he tore up Pacific Avenue cry
ing Murder" Policew HELEN
damnation" and the last we saw of
him, a dust-raising army of street
gamins, yelling dogs and police officers
were in hot pursuit.
When l examined my noble UNI.
brella, found it wholly intact and
just as had left it with the excep-
ton that the index showed an ex.
penditure Of about seventy-five volts
of effective power, and resdjusting the
button for another customer | went
back to my reading.
AS to the ultimate success of my
further comment is un-
necessary. One thing, however, is de-
serving of mention and that is, unlike
tho phonograph umbrella, there is no
element OF immortality about my de-
vice, for if there is any uncanny lam
guage involved in its operation, the
profanity all comes out of the mouth
Of the fleeing thief. See? PROF.