The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1894-06-24
Qbou9hts?
IBY HE lDOT.i

Don't get disguised because / am so
INK TO CrOIk ABOUT babies, but II yOt
should throw the paper GOWN, stamp youl
fOOI, ana say something naughty ayOu'
the infantile specimens OF humanity,
pIeasc 40 me tAe personal justice ~ 81
low me 10 inform you that TINS Is not
the effusion OF some loving, hen-pecked
papa but simply a few observations
made by the Idiot.
Wnen DaDies nrst hit this mundane
sphere, they Immediately get very red
in the face, shut both eyes $50 tight
that you wonder if they will ever get
them open AGAIN., double up their fists
and begin TO make their whereabouts
known by such yels as would make
the most leather-lunged Comanche In
dian commit suicide from jealousy.
have serious doubts If real new babies
can hear. II seems to me If they could.
that they would have more respect FOR
their ears. | had a brother who develop
ped such an abnormal lung power before
he had been in the family two days that
we were all on the verge Of insanity.
The only thing that would keep him
quiet was a bottle OF milk, but his APP
petite was worse than his yell. and the
demand we were forced TO put upon
our one cow to purchase our young
brothers silence caused that poor ami
NAL to give up her weary existence after
next thought OF sugar rags. II Is true
they had the desired affect. but the sugar
bill ruined the family's credit Babies
have great way NJ staying awake when
other people are asleep. Now. as far as
am concerned they can lie on their
backs all night and keep their eyes
open If IT affords them any pleasure. but
l do object. and most violently. 10 the
serenades that they insist upon your
hearing.
Just when you are getting to sleep. to
have the quiet disturbed by something
that sounds like a young cyclone out on
a spree, is enough to make any one have
hard feelings against THE dear little
darlings." There is no such thing as
arguing with a crying baby. You had
might as well try to stop the flow Of the
great Niagara with a straw as 10 expect
coaXing 10 have any affect on the darling.
There Is but one thing TO do, crawl out
OF bed. fall over every chair i'm the room
place the infant on your shoulder-then
walk till the small piece OF humanity
conceives the brilliant thought Of going
10 sleep. BY the time YOU have gotten
II in this frame of mind. the skin is all
of the bottom Of your feet and you have
only walked ten miles
have often looked at beautiful
Young debutant surrounded by a crowd
Of lOve-Sick' gallants and wonder II IL
was possible that such an attractive
creature was ever \ habv.
When ever babies shuttle off this NOR
tai coil everybody wants to show their
sympathy, so everybody saws. what a
pity. but there is one consolation the
dear little thing has gone to Heaven"
Don't YOU believe anything like that.
Sunday-schoOl teachers tell us that tho
celestial kingdom is n place Of ncace. and
! always hNieve what my Sunday schoGi
teachers tell me. therefore 7 have sari-
oYs doubts about the realms OF eternal
bliss being overcrOwded with infants.
Perhaps after all. the rub comes hardest
when some devoted mamma shows YOU
her precious babY," and asks YOU with
her face overlooking with maternal pride.
If you don't think II the sweetest ntue
creature that ever lived and If il is not
lust the living image OF its papa" or
mamma as the case NAV he
Personally | have no objections 10 "
ing when their is ANYTHING 10 be gained
by II. but 10 have 10 lie I'm n coll-bOoded
manner is thoroughly repulslve 20 nv
delicate nature. Who ever saw 2 real
new baby that was pretty? And as for
their bearing any resemblance TO any
body. never enters a sane persons mind. |
All intelligent babies die: I guess that |
is the reason I am here to-day II YOU |
want 10 get an idea how many poor |
papas' are having their patience worn |
10 a frazzle. Just walk through the parks |
on some bright evening. Babies NAV be |
small. but they take just as much room |
on street-car "a a grown person.