davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
WIT AND HUMOR.

$40 you believe that the rain falls
alike on the just and the uniust?'
Mike. The unjust swipe the UNI
brellas"
Ethel-lf you don't believe in early
marriages, mamma, why did you and
papa marry so very young? Mrs. Sad
side-It was because we were so very
young.
Mistress-lt appears to me thSt you
are entertaining good many male
callers in the kitchen. New Girl
Ges'm; but We needn't be scared, mum,
/ amt goin' to marry any Of EN-.
Judge, TO prisoner--Did you really
call this gentleman an old fool last
night? Prisoner, trying to collect his
thoughts-The longer | look at him
the more probable it seems to me tina |.
/ did.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
HOW THE CASE STOOD.
Henry WOuldn't DO Any Lying
While His Wife Was Around.

Henry WOuIdn't DO Any Lying
While His Wife Was ArOund.
The prisoner at the bar was charged
with assault and battery by his wife.
She was Il little woman, but wiry and
energetic. He was Il strapping big fell
low, and Oh him the judge frowned
iiercely, says the Detroit Free Press.
80" said the court, you have been
assaulting your wife,"
Yes. yer HONOR admitted the PMS
oner, doggedly.
We'll. you ought 10 be ashamed of
yourself"
Il am, yer honor"
The very idea, sir, of Il great. big
fellow like you are whipping little
woman like that"
The little woman flushed up, but kept
still, with her eyes fixed on her husband
eXpectantly.
Il didn't whip her, yer honor"
Didn't whip her." exclaimed the
judge. Don't lie TO me, sir. You did
whip her"
eyes on her husband.
DIG your pdIuoh, yer HouoT. Dul
] didn't whip her. She licked me in
about three minutes, and that's why
I'm ashamed of myself, yer honor"
The judge fairly gasped.
That's right, your honor" pat in
the little woman, Henry gets ugly
sometimes, but he won't lie when Tn
watching him."
The Judge too Il good long look at
both of them and then dismissed the
ease
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
HOUSE BOATS AS MA CLIMAX
ERS
Valuable Hints to MOtiers Who
Have TOO NAM Unmarried


Valuable Hints to Motaers Who
Have TOO NAM Unmarried
Daughters.
81 wonder why you don't have house
boats here in Detroit as we do on the
Thames observed l.. A. Eordman, of
London. England. to Detroit Free
Press man. "A house boat is Il source
of great pleasure, and you have SO
many lovely places where it could be
anchored with Il merry party in the
Detroit river and vicinity. Just get up
a jolly party tow your old boat some
where. and there you are, with all the
comforts of q home and none of the an
noying features of camping out. Then
look at the romance of it. Why, l
wooed and won my wife on Il house
boat. ! was one of quite party and
we had a fine boat with flower pots
all over the deck and I'LL those kinds
OF things. Among the party was II
slender blue-eyed English girl, that was
my wife to be, and her mother, who
kept her eyes on her daughter pretty
sharp. However, some one had 10 buy
provisions, and | volunteered to take
the small boat every night and 90 Tor
Them. As the young girl was on the
water for her health. ana punting was
Tiid Ia be a nice, easy exercise for
girls. she was permitted Ia accompa-
Iry me. 1t was quite II distance to the
village, and after the first experience
| bribed small boy 10 be At the land
ing with the supplies. This saved
about half IN hours walk. and we put
In the time Sweet-hearting on the wa
ter. | would iab the pole in the bot
tom. fastcn the bow of the boat to the
pole and then pass my arm around The
most taper waist in the world. AT the
appointed time we would appear at
the house boat and that girl, sir, was
one of those wonderful kind who never
had ribbon rutfled and could look rs
placid as Il summer day when mamma
gazed inquiringly into the depths Of
those blue eyes And now do you
wonder l am partial to house boats?
They are very conducive to matri-
mOny. If you have a lot of girls
around this town who aren't married,
my recipe for the remedy is, get some
house boats. organize parties and pro-
vide some eligible young men. Every
one of them will come back engaged,
sir. They cant help it, A house boat
will do the business every time. 1t did
for me, and ! ought to know"
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
CHE FLY CHAFF. 7

Ibid SmiggS marry his wife for her
money!" mo, it was for her fathers. ("
Professor in Mathematics NX-Do
you understand the theory of limits,
Mr.. Butch? Mr.. Butch-No, sir; 1
never play poker.
"Miggs is II lucky old chap, isn't
hep In what way?" Hes color
blind" ''What advantage is that?'
He can't tell when he's blue"
Stranger. addressing an old brick
layer - Uncle who's building this
house? "Mr. lGrschbug. he build ed
house, but Queen Anne she drawed de
plan"
II came here this evening a total
stranger" muttercd the actor, retreat
ing hastily behind the curtain as the
fusilade began, but ! seem to be get
ting the lay of the laud already"
Tommy-Paw, when they send let
tiers to the dead letter office what is it
that kills them Mr.. Figg They
are stamped to death, | guess. Run
along and play with yoalr ball and
don't bother me.
II ~ oAi ehC CCI-
thought you said you'd mail me that
81 bin that You owe me? Creditor-I
did meau to, but when | went to the
postoffice to mail it, | found that pla-
card on the walls, Post no bills"
Husband-Do you know that every
time woman gets angry she adds
new wrinkle to her face? Wife-No,
did not; but ii 1T is so | presume it is
wise provision of nature to let the
world know what sort of husband
the woman has.
Mamma and J." said Priscilla one
day, "are taking medicine. We each
have II bottle. and mamma has tied a
string around the neck of hers, so as
to tell it, She says. l suppose Eli
have to tie Il string around mine, too,
SO as to tell it from hers"
Mrs. Figg-What on earth did you
get new lawn mower for? Isn't the
old one good enough for all work we
have to do? Mr.. Figg-Yes, it is good
enough, but you must bear in mind
that we can get twice the amount of
work out of Tommy with a new ma
chine that we could with an old one.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
GATHERED GRISr.

Tie largest tomb in the world is Inc
pyramid of Cheops. 46l feet high and
covering thirteen acres of ground.
More than twothirds of the mall
prisoners in the states prisons OF the
various states are under so years of
age.
Tic largest church in the world is
St Peters IN Rome, The smallest a
church ten feet square in the Isle Of
Man.
The deepest English colliery at
present il Moss coliicry, near Ashton
under-Tync, which is sunk 2,s2O
feet.
4 monster marine eel, thirty feet
loLg. was caught in the welrs of the
Provincetown, Cape Cod, fishermen a
short time ago.
The fourth verse of the twentieth
chapter of Revelation contains more
words than any other verse in the
New Testament,
The little island of Iceland with
about 20, OOO inha bitants has the same
number of newspapers as the great
empire of China.
The Saylor family of Mayendale
Pa, which numbers soventy-eight
members, has experienced but one
death in the past siXty-fLur years
The highest chimneys in the world
are two in Glasgow, one being iGS feet
high and the other 455 feet, while one
near Cologne comes next with a height
of All feet.
At Selma. Ala, there is an arteSian
which spouts pure cold water, the
other warm water strongly impreg-
mated with iron.
Right at the foot of Il great glacier
in New Zealand there is a tropical
growth of plant life and hot spring,
with water issuing forth at Il temper
allure OF over 100 degrees.
An unusually large egg, which con-
tanned "A sec9ud egg with u she'll equal
! " as hard tvs the outer one, was laid
by q hen on the farm of W. II. Stocks,
at Contcntnea, \. c.. n short time ago.
Baby" "A eat belonging to Mrs.
Cragin. Of Worcester, Mass is be-
lieved to be t,.c giant of the domestic
atcd feline race. 1t is two and half
feet long, sixteen inches high and
weighs thirty pounds.
Among the latest designs in thin
goods is a white grcnadine lawn,
stuck over with green and brown
grasses in such perfect imitation of
nature that to look at it is almost as
satisfying rs "a b. cath of the wild
meadows where the grasses grow.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
ODDS AND ENDS.

Florida will protect alligators from
extinction by law.
There is no sd ch thing as the right
use of e wrong thing
Foreign tourists spend about $780,
900, 900 year in Italy.
Cathedral dining room chairs are the
kind that comp,l one TO sit up straight.
Sightseeing titled foreigners are
quite numerous company at Niagara.
There is a new rose, an exquisite
blending of pink and white, called
Cupid.
A small cartnob, which was cap
tured by Andrew jackson at New Or
leans in 1872, was presented to the
Johnstown. Pa, Grand Army post
Memorial day.
Thirteen cooperative quarries, es-
tablished in New England by reason
OF the granite CATERS strike last year,
are said to have turned out SIlO, 600
worth of work in about five months.
A Partisan woman has gotten up a
history of the dance. Not only all
the old dances are to be included, but
also the dances of all the different ma
tions, and all are to- be danced in cos
tune.
Au undergraduate who was recently
sued at Oxford England, for bill of
EIa .pleaded infancy" in defense.
His Father Qord Henley testified
that the youth had incurred debts to
the extent of 81, 600 in a year, on an
allowance of II, 500.
Miss Jennie Young. the American
who recently built u railroad to the
extensive salt deposits she owns in
Chihuahua, has received from the
Mexican government Il valuable con-
ceSsIon III the form of u privilege for
the establishment of colonies in the
states of chihuahua and Coahuila.
Miss Young has gone to England to
make arrangements for bringing over
several thousand English families to
settle upon the lands she has secured
from the government.
A. W. Washburne, of Shipton, Pa,
attended party in honor of his
daughter, who was about to depart for
Europe Then he went to his place of
business and wrote,a note Offering re-
ward of $500 for his own apprehension,
dead or alive. He tackled this or the
outside door Then he wrote check
for $500, payable to the man who
should find him, and put it in his safe.
lie has not been seen since the party.
No one knows what has become of him
or why he disappeared.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
KNOWLEDGE

Brings comfort and improvement and
tends to personal enjoyment when
rightly used. The many. who live bet
ter than others and enjoy life more, with
less expenditure, by more promptly
adapting the worlds best products to
the needs of physical being, will attest
the value TO health Of the pure liquid
laxative principles embraced in the
remedy, Syrup OF Fig.
Its excellence Is due to its presenting
in the form most acceptable and pleas
ant to the taste, the refreshing and truly
beneficial properties Of perfect lax
alive; eliectually cleansing the system,
dispelling colds, headaches and ievcrs
and permanently curing constipation.
II has given satisfaction to millions and
met with the approval Of the medical
profession, because it acts on the Kid
neys, Liver and Bowel. without weak
ening them and it j, perfectly free from
every Objectionable substance.
Syrup of Figs is for sale by all drug
gists in soc and 81 bottles, but it is man
ufactured by the California Fig Syrup
Co. only, whose name is printed on every
package, also the name, Syrup Of Fig,
and being well informed, you will not
accept any substitute if offered.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
DRAINS OF GOLD.


Too many folks are fine talk and
bad walk,
Make your mistakes all teach yon
something.
The richest people are those who
have the fewest wants.
No man is fit to lead who has not
the courage 10 stand alone.
Don't be afraid to do your duty, no
matter who throws mud at you.
Crime succeeds by sudden dispatch;
honest counsels gain yigor by delay.
The right side is always the strong
est side, no matter how weak it looks.
If you want your children TO be
good it would be well to show them
how to begin with.
About the only time some people
speak well of other people, is after
they are dead ana buried.
Patience is the ballast of the soul
that will keep it from rolling and
tumbling in the great storm.
1t may be that the rich man in tor
ment had great many nice things
said about him on his tombstone.
There is a transcendent power in
example. We reform others uncon-
sciously when we walk uprightly.
1t is not the troubles of to-day, but
those of tomorrow, the next week,
and next year that whiten our heads
and wrinkle our faces.
1t will help us to accomplish great
feats and win great victories, to re-
member that all we have to do is to
take our duties as they come and per-
form them faithfully.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
The BLACK Pepsin Fraud.

The selling of cheese and butter mixed
to make enormous yields of butter per
COW per day may be national trick for
breeders, but the honest old farmer
should not he caught and sacrificed in
that way. There should be a few worthy
candidates found on earth 10 supply
heaven with in future, and is has been
expected for many years past that the
great bulk of them would have Ia be
gathered from agricultural ranks. Let us
all attempt To retain this high estimate
of the agricultural character, aud not
sink to the low level of others who were
aptly described the other day by Two gen
tlcmcn who were strolling around the
streets of Il strange village to pass away
or kill Il little time They CHANGED to
pass through the cemetery of the place,
and We're amused i'll reading epitaphS
upon the tOnibstoncs. One of them came
TO this
Here lie the remains of --- --. Il
lawyer and an honest man.
Hello. Robert, what made them bury
two fellows in this one grave
Our national department of agriculture
is now attempting to find out the true cX-
tent and use of black pepsin III cream
and milk for the fraudulent increase OF
| cream and butter. and il is to be hoped,
! for the credit of agriculture. that no such
vile stuff will be found in the chemical
! laboratory of any farmer. The Use OF
| black peDsin must operate on milk and
cream similar To rennet i'll the manufac-
| ture Of cheese to combine all the solids of
milk. both casein aud butter fat. | do
not believe IA good tasting, good favored
! quality of such butter was ever madc.
We have enough 20 blacken the rep
| utation of the dairy product in shoulder
| ing the sin of manufacture of poor gen
uine butter. and to have to be compelled
10 fight another enemy of honest goods of
this nature is hard to bear When par
ties advertise to double or treble your
for 1t take down your little old Tesla,
ment and see if you can find the page az
verse that advises any such thing. Don't
hope for riches to come in this manner
hut do accept the most practical econo.
mics of the dairy. and increase your feed
nj lesser cost. and also advance the creau
qualities of your cows.-H. Talcott, in
American Creamery.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
Gathering the HnN CrOp.

The gathering of the hay crop rapidly
approaches, and farmers will do well to
see 10 it that il is cared for in every re-
Spect as one of the most economical and
valuable of crops produced on the farm.
In time gone by too little attention has
been given 10 it. 1t is important that
more interest be taken i'll this branch of
farming. for the reason that II governs
the price of milk. meat and stock Not
Only does il raise the price of these, hut
il indirectly has an influence over the
wheat and corn prices. The history OF
agriculture has shown that the original
produCtiveness of farm lands i'll all civil
lied countries has suffered in course of
time gradual decline. 1t has been as
cribed 20 the reduction in the area occu-
pied 10y our natural pastures aud
meadows This cutting off of the cult
vatiom of grasses means Il gradual rcduc-
ton of live stock. BY experiments il has
been shown that the chief cause of less
remuneratiyc crops was due to a serious
falling off of the fodder crops-grasses.
II simply shows that we need more liber-
al productions of nutritious fodder crops,
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

The readers of this paper will be pleased to
learn that there is at least one dreaded disease
tast science has been able TO cure In all lts
stages, and that is Catarrh. Halls Catarrh
Cure is the only positive cure now known TO
the medical fraternity. Catarrh being con-
stitntlonal disease, requires constitutional
treatment. Halls Catarrh Cure is taken In.
ternally, acting directly upon the blood and
mucous surfaces Of tho system, thereby
destroying the foundation OF the disease, and
giving the patient strength by building mp
the constitution and assisting nature IN doing
rs work. The proprietors have so much falti
in its curative powers that they offer One
Hundred Dollars for any case that ii fails TO
cure. Send for list Of testimonials.
fgAddress f. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, y
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
august
Flower

used August Flower for Loss of
vitality and general debility. After
taking two bottles gained 90 lbs.
] have sold more of your August
Flower since have been i'll business
than any other medicine l ever kept.
Mr.. Peter Zinville says he was made
a new man by the use of August
Flower, recommended by me. l
have hundreds tell me that August
Flower has done them more good
than any other medicine they ever
took. GEORGE w. DYE, Sardis,
Mason Co., KY. y
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

MAKES ITSELF FELL
the great, gripping, old-fashioned pill
Not only when you take it, but un-
pleasant, from first to last, and it only
gives you little temporary good.
The things to take its place are DR.
Pierce's Pleasant Pellets. One of these
AT dose will regulate the whole system
perfectly. They're tiny sugar-coated
graaules, scarcely larger than mustard
seeds. They act in Natures own way.
No reaction afterward. Their help lasts
and they do permanent good. Consti-
patton, Indigestion, Bilious Attacks, Sick
or Bilious Headaches, and all derange-
ments of the liver, stomach, ard bowels
are prevented, relieved, and cured.
They're the cheapest, for they're guar
Gnteed to give satisfaction or money is re-
turned. Nothing can be lust Is good"
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
The ApproaobIne pInn.r Hour

Is fraught with no pleasant anticipations
for the unhappy mortal plagued With dys'
pepsie Appetite seldom, discomfort after
and between meals, always is his portion.
Heartburn aud fatulence subsequent to
eating, a gnawing at the pit of the stom'
sch before 1t, are only few among the
woes arising from this truly Impish com.
plant Sick headache, nervousness, con-
stipatiou and biliousnesS are the diapolical
offspring Each and all of them are an.
INITIATED by Hostetter's Stomach Bitters,
which tones the gastric organs aud regu-
lates the liver and bowels with certainty
and promptitude. Chills and fever, kid
ney trouble, rheumatism and neuralgia
are also remedied by this medicine of rare
purity and comprehensive uses. Invalids
of all kinds are greatly and swiftly bene.
flied by it
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
FOUND IN THE GROUND.

The bones or tombs of over 200
giants have been found in various
parts Of Europe.
Leon del Mar, who is connected with
the surveying corps of the national
museum, at San Jose, Costa Rica, re-
ports the finding of a petrified whale,
I'D feet in length. The relic was dis.
covered in rift between two noun
tain peaks some distance from San
Jose, and g. 800 feet above the level OF
fbc sau
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
At the Fortune Teller's.

"Look here. Madam Seconsite," said the
fortune teller's regular customer, - ! have
Il complaint to make"
"Indeed,' she replied haughtlly.
ayes, you gave me piece of misinior,
nation. EOu said that on yesterday
would receive a letter containing good
news. All | got was a dan. y
60 to- son of darkness and ingratitude,
You have forgotten to thank me-
For what"
'For not giving you tip on tho races"
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
MarM Ohli,rinn

Il came to see about an Office" said the
constituent.
All" said the statesman, affably.
Eyes, and l want your advice and, If
possible, your assistance"
DO you see that large building just
across the street,
Yes"
mice looking building, isn't it''
Very" was the surprised answer.
''Well, that building is just full of Offices
and understand that the rent is right rea-
sonablen
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
.,or. and L.iSur. should b. Mated.

Work is good. No one seriously
doubts this truth. Adam may have
doubted II when he first took spade
in hand, and Eve when she secured
her first pots and kettles: but in the
course of few thousand years we
have learned 10 know and value this
honest. troublesome. faithful, and eX-
trcmely eXacting friend. But work Is
not the only good thing in the world;
II Is not Il fetch 10 he adored: neither
Is il to he judged, like il sum in add
ton hy lis outward and immediate
results The god of labor does not
abide exclusively IN the rolling mill, the
law courts. or the cor'iiield. He has
twin-sister whose nane is leisure.
and IN her sociery he fingers now and
then 10 The lasting gain OF both.-From
Leisure" by Agnes Repplier, In the
St.i-ibncr,
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
He is Older, Too.

Bertha-What do You find lovable about
that little girl
Lillian-Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Bertha-rhen why did you kiss her so
affectionately!
Bertha -Sh You ought to see her hand
some brother,
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20
A Great Run,

Salesman-That new customer wants to
duplicate the order for those last goods he
got, Says he has made more money on
them than on any line he ever had.
Senior Partner-What's he been doing
booming the line!
Salesman-Yes; he has been selling out
at
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

There is no excuse in the world for the
story with a moral" II a moral is of any
use it doesn't need anything to lean
against.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

Beecham's Pills enjoy the largest sale of
any proprietary medicine in the world
Made only in st. Helena, England
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

Just now the best of men are willing to
but up with such cold comfort as we'll
stocked refri gerator affords.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

Sardines are not usually classed as work:
OF art, but they are usually done in oil.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

Cure Dyspepsia and Constipation.
DIR Shops Restorative Nerve Pills sent free with
Medical Book To prove merit for &c stamp. Drug
gists, &c DIR. SHOOP, Box W.. Racine, Wis.
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

The charity that begins at home and
stops at home generally dies of heart fail
Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1893-07-20

I'm better of, ;" Duzzed the fly as he
tried to break away from the fly paper.