New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1893-12-17
GLEN DOLLINGER.
HOW he FOUND his WATERLOO.
Copyright. 1873. by sam Walter Fos1J


Glenn Dollinger he'd bin a-comn' down to Peas
lcys store. i've nights IN the week 10: twenty
years. To- anger
Glenn liked - argcr well that he would arger
with n guIdc-post. / bevc he would stop n fire
department going 70 q fire an arger with the chet.
one time anyhow. he stopped jed Pranker's
funeral pcrcession. an tried to anger with the I'M
icrtaker on the 'injestice OF a pertective tarin
The undertaken kinder shunted him on. an then
he went roun TO each OF the mourners an II
Il thunder shower hadn't drowned him out, just In
time he would have argcred with the corpse.
Glenn had wrastlcd with ev'ry subject In the cy-
clopedy an thrown II. We all thought the man
who writ the dictionary was an ignorant gump
wen compared with Glenn. DR. Chases Reject
Eook never had atween it's two covers half "a much
wls,Iom az Glenn carried underneath his hat. Wher-
ever Glenn carried that headpece OF hisn he car
ricd hlst'ry OF the wor. from the creation OF
Adam TO the election OF Seth Calkins as frat sillick
man OF Pokumvile. He knew more than the Or
Farmers Almanac. an wen his flow er langwidge
fell onto man 1t was ike Niagry faiis tumpiihs
onto an aigshe
Wall Glenn he'd squeched the minister. He got
him argcrn' on predestination and forc-knowledse
An then elem fred the Bible at him, an laid him
out fiat An wen he came up agin. he peited him
with Buffers 'Nalogy. an wen he ducked an come
up agin. he peltcd him with Bunyan's Pilgrim
Progress: an then he smashed him with all the
commentaries an banged him with Wattss hymns
ard Wesev's sermons. Then he jabbed him with
Fox's Martyrs an Bakers Saints Rest He threw
the 'pocryphe at him. an the Thirty-nine Articles
an the Methods discipline An then he flung
ev'ry book at him In the Pokumvle Sunday-schooi
library; and then buried him under a cartload OF
tracts an natiencd him out with Bible Dictionary
After that wen Glenn tried to arger with the min
| ister wen he came down to the store. the MIN
ister would buy quarter of a pound OF sugar an
| never raise a ylp an slide on. the back door an
90 home.
chem he'd laid out TIE doctor an the school
| master Jest the same as he had the minister an
| there was no man alive, thought, who dared
! to taklc him.
| one nIght down to the store, an Of tramp come
in an tried 70 git OF Pcasley 70 give him Il I'VE
cent plug sr chcwDn no the tramp Poor fel
| cr now we all pitled him. We had all been iaa
out by Glenn ourselves, an we knew jest no" II
The tramp acted slf he was scat to death; an
| we didn' blame him. GIc could on'y stamner out
| word or two vile Glenn belchcd his volcano an
| opened up his hoodgatcs .
speakin up an saying: Il deny your assertion n
Wall SIR this scat US We all looked out to s ,ne
would be pulvcrlzcd into thin dust an blown away
Wall sir. elem snortcd like two-ycar-oF coit
wen he breaks into the clover patch. an let drive
| al the tramp with the Congressional Report Inc
tramp hit back with the Report er the Census bu-
5e@ o9 an fn g george Washingon to Grover Cevc
e banged h" With al the ,pTs Knocked
| him down with tie Report OF the Cics Commits
sioners, an jabbed statistics into him from The
We had all been laid by Glenn. an now we
felt that like Gcn'l Lee At Appomattox he had az
last met his match. tell you that tramp ooR 1ai
| to us as handsome an angel His ragged coat
looked like an ascension robe In wich he was
a-going to float to glory His red nose looked as
| pooty the mornin star. The minister was THERE
an shouted out: g..
The great fight OF A,nageddon has begun Cog
an Magog has met in battle -. .
Jest then Glenn come up. groggy ike. an trieu 70
hit back at the tramp an us fellers all yelled out:
60 IT. Cog. Go 1t. Magog!" an the bombardnent
all a KIN se ss he ev Word
he said out OF Greeneafs 'Rifentick an Gibson
Spring and Fall of the German Emperor Evry
| over with joergys jogerfys an jometrys He
went for him in Hebrew. Latin. Greek an slang.
mon B,be am the Pokumvillc Weekly Gazette He
quoted from the bylaws OF South Car'lina the con
stitution the Hasty Puddin Club, the Grassville
threw all the words In the dictionary at him. an
then bombarded him with words too long 10 i go
any h ae ,a talked as fast or as ToSgh
Clems arguments like buzz saw through pine
shngle. He sat down on him like an elephant an
slttln down a baby. an fattened him out as HAT
az flea under snow shovel.
| Wei. Glen would gasp an stutter now an then
an then the tramp would deuge him with all the
deep broken up. and the hull ocean OF WISDOM
was splashed into Pes;ley's store that night an
1t Jest the kind or medicine he needed, an
forever after Glenn Dolnger was a good Citizen.
no man in Pokumviie who could ever git up talk
with him An bimeby we give him Gen Or 1s sens
soldier'
The tramp. who turned out to be an oil, college
perfessor gone to seed, for awhile was inc most %,
village until he had borried money of ey'ry man IN
town, an then finally went of one night an TOOK
Deacon Pettirrew's Of mare with him.