Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1893-10-08

hearts can breathe "A word OF comfort or
OF consolation. They meet again It's
true. but alas. think Of greeting sweet
heart when nothing is LETT OF her except
her 'spare-ribs. and you yourself are only
an humble. salty ham OF bacon Think
OF recognizing her Tight fantastic feet
in a sOuse- barrel. and OF blacking your
shoes with a brlstle brush made from the
curls that once adorned her head. Pause
and reflect O! saddened mass of sobbing
sausage. how your heart VIII grieve, when
you recognize her fairy form in a liquid,
molten mass Of lard These. these are the
hardships to which the Chicago hog Is
subjected lie IL driven. with hundreds
OF his grunting brethren. TO the sacrificial
altar: he is coaXed into the pen with his
squealing associates. and there he Is
dashed by an urchin until. In madness,
he dashes through the only visible open
ing to-doath and eternity. And then the
horrors Of the French revolution are re-
Vivcd.
No sooner does Porous Qess correctly,
bot more feellu2ly written poor cussD
get through the aperture. than he IS
s-izpI. hoIatcd by his hind leg on sort
OF trouey-wire. and sent TO the CORY
executive who plung"s knife into his
throat. Almost before Piggy has time
to murmur, he is tossed into boiling
tank. and moment later ne Is yanked
up and Invested Of his hair. Then, step
bv step. he Is hacked 10 pieces, and
never once DO his weeping friends and
relatives lose signt of him. TIE doomed
spectators gaze in spcechless horror upon
tn scene, and well they may, FOR thoy
know that It is their time next.
IT'S not death / fear said "A debon-
nairc. well educated hog in the pen, VINO
WAS cunVersiug with me. but IL pig
resurrociiou-day that gets close to me.
just think 81 it-yOu gee my tout ensem-
bic now. but four hours hence J. small
be caught. stabbed. boiled, mutliated.
halved. and quartcrcd. As a ham ] go TO
IivcruooI az souse ! am represented AT
Rio Janeiro. as lard | help 10 grease the
Laplaudcr Is bacon | delight the Chinese
Afikado. while mothcr-in-law's jowl ana
mine will speed to san Francisco can
stand the Scparation-Or, rather, my coHl-
pou.nt p1rts can stand it-but when
resurrection day comes, / will be forced
TO use Tom Watson's expression; W here
am at| But that's not the worst OF
it Even II all my parts are gotten TO-
s,otbcr. this Internal difference IN eastern
ana western time viii make half OF me ar
rive. twelve hours behindhand.
At this juucture the small boy ap-
uroachcd Farewell, mother sad my
7
cut cigarette, IT'S your time next il
met YOU I'm the barrel"
4 sob. grunt. a squeal river OF
blood. and all Is over.
"a Ugnt has come upon the dark, be
nlrhtcd way Dead! Dead, your Majesty
pcad. my ladies' and gentlemen! DEAD,
right r4verends and wrong reverends OF
every order. Dead. men and women porn
with heavenly compassion IN your heaIts'
-
Thore is one man connected with the
colunbiau Exposition who has great
h.sd though really. / doubt whether the
head I'm question has any hair upon II.
I'm bet $50 the fellow. whoever he Is has
a family Of thirteen children. ] don
known the chaps name, but reier 10
tb.. individual who first suggested the
babv-storage building for the convenience
Of mothers and fathers who Wish 10
visit the fair and not leave their infants
at home The place Is worked on lhe
parcel-room plan. and you can pigeon
hole your baby just as If it were Ten
pound vaiise or walking stick. You get
a check Tor the commodity you leave be-
hind. and It's duplicate is fastened on 10
th. younester Just as II it were Il Saratoga
trunk. For inatapce. your receipt le'hs
Ure this. NO 6q-Kcd-headcd baby, win
cro-s-rycS: wears socks. ana has elSht
mosquito-bites on left leg. No flies on
him"
with this voucher I'm your pocket you
can do the Worlds Fair without the least
worry or fear. for while you are twlrlnS
on the Plaisance. the Kid IS having a Jolly
good time at the juvenile repository.
There are all ages and sizes OF them IN
the rooms. and the best Of nurses are on
why. It's nothing TO seen forty or hity OF
them IN the establishment at once. Yes
the whole thing demonstrates my theory,
that it's lust as easy 90 raise babies on
thr wholesale plan as il IS TO do II by re-
tail. one Will mOnopoliLe your whole me
time. and certainly a hundred couldn
do any more. Stul. I'm frank to confess
that the infant depository is the cuteSt
thing at the fair.
In a few words and with all the con-
densed admiration that one paragraph can
convey. / shah tell you the sweetest thing
i saw at the Fair. 1t was nothing more
or less than a chocolate lady. who came
from Germany. | believe. and weighed
10000 pounds. Thirty thousand pounds or
one woman is pretty good allowance
for a husbaud-isn't it? and If matters
didn't go smoothly In the family should
think trouble would he mighty apt TO
occur Stll. all things are equalized The
woman being OF chocolate, Of course
couldn't talk. Had her conversational
powers been proportional according 10
her weight. as is doubtless the case with
others OF che fair sex, she could have sup
piled the oratory for 80 Democratic con-
Ventlons all at once. OF course, the sac
charine nymph was a statue. and lacked
the animation OF our American girl. but
nevertheless she had many attractive
qualities Just think how nice II would
have been 10 kiss her. Still. you would
have TO be very careful. for chocolate
sometimes smears. Suppose. for instance,
YOU were 10 "osculate" with her in the
moonlight and upon returning to the
glare of the chandeliers. discovered that
your physiognomy was She hue Of a
burnt-cork artist. The best thing tbout
the chocolate maiden is that you can taik
about Huylcr's candy to her with perfect
impunity for being part and parcel Of
such stuff, she takes no interest in sweets.
In fact, / half suspect her diet consists
of cabbage-SOup.
The biggest thing at Chicago? No, it
wasn't nay hotel bill. Truc. that COM
pe,ed for the honor, but it wasn't In it,"
The biggest thing l saw In the white
city was the muCN-ulSCuSSed NnlCdsp
girls foot. This foot is fully what it is
represented TO be- IL was my misfortune
or good fortune. as the case may be
TO visit the metropolis at "A very rainy
season, and thus l saw the Park city
pedal extremity In all immensity. When
the streets are muddy the fair natives
make no concealment OF the number OF
the shoe they wear, and they paddle
about like ducks In n frog-pOnd. Still,
the foot In question is an honest-looking
colossus, ani the shoe that contains IL
seems to bc abundantly ample for all
purposes OF locomotion. Taken as
Whole-or even In secuons-i like the
looks OF the Chicago girl She is hustler
in every sense OF the word, and can take
care Of herself. She can elbow her way
through "A crowd. she can catch street
car on q fly. and she can chew gum ''for
who lasts the longest"
My genial friend. Colonel William h.
Tanner. was introduced to 5000 Chicago
people all az once while hc was visiting
in the Pork city II happened in this
way: In his youthful DAYS when the
Colonel was school boy. and was wont
to play hockey" when he should nave