The record-union., 1893-04-12
MR. PUMPULLY
The Story of the Meanest Man-Ho,
an Experiment. Worked

The Story of the Meanest Man-How
an Experiment Worked.
Superlatives are dangerous, but the
puplshed facts seem TO go far toward
proving that Hiram PumpulIy is the
meanest man in Pennsylvania. There
may be meaner men in some of the back
counties, and Scranton, that natural home
OF The superlative, where the positive and
comparative are prohibited by law from
staying overnight, has not been heard
from yet; nevertheless, we feel so much
confidence in Hiram Pumpullv being the
lneanest man, not only in PENNSYLVANIA,
but IN the country at large, that when the
National Mean Man Show opens in NIadi-
son Square Garden we shall enter him in
the champion class, and shall feel disap-
pointed II he doesn't carry off the high
est honOrs.
we learn from local papers that Mr..
Pumpully has lived for many years at
Cockhayen, where he has accumulated Il
small fortune i'll the grocery business. He
has always been noted for degree of
thrift considerably above the average.
Dnt the report that he stops his clock at
night IN order to save the wear and tear
on the works is not generally believed.
NO man has ever been known TO over
feacll MN III driving bargain, but ILL
health at last got the better of him, and
some two months ago he was forced to
consult physician. The medical man,
alter looking into his case carefully, told
INN that he was suffering from nervous
debility brought on by Olermork, and
that he must give up all business alb
sOlutely for Il year and live on plain,
nourlslling fooG; for Mr.. Pumpully, de-
spite his thrift, has never denied himself
any of the luXuries Of the table. The
doctor added that he must put himself
where it would be utterly impossible for
INN To h1 ok n his l.,
anything about it, and where none other
than plain, nutritious food could by any
means be had. He strongly recon-
mend voyage on sailing vessel to
China ana back, since this would take
the best part OF Il year and give the cGnl-
plete mental rest and quiet demanded.
lie ended with the remark that il Mr..
Pumpul!y did not follow his directions
TO the letter he would not live three
months.
For several days Mr. Pumpully was in
d painful state OF mind. lie investigated
the voyage idea and found that it would
cost something Like Il thousand dollars.
Mr. PumpuIIy groaned and decided that
1t would he cheaper to die. But the i'm
possibility Of continuing business and
making more money after he was dead
occurred to him; so he again grOaned and
relapsed into thought. At last an idea
came into his mind like Il flash of light
ming. lie arose up ana passed out INTO
the street. 1t Was evening. Going to The
house of neighbor he opened the front
door and helped himself TO three over
coats which hung on the hat-racll, and
hurried out y policeman arrested him on
the corner, We may as well make a short
story of this. Mr.. Pumpully was tried
ana sentenced to one year in State Prison.
lie has now been in six weeks, and has
already kained ten pounds. The tax
payers ut CockhaVen are furious.
The doctor who prescribed the voyage
visited Mr.. Pumpully, now known as
No. l,Z16 in the prison a few DAYS ago
and found him in excellent health and
good spirits. He told the physician that
the stripes made him dizzy for few davs.
but he fancied that it wasn't ANYTHING
compared with what the seasickness
would have been. No. ,276 winked
knowingly at the doctor, and remarked
that when old Hiram Pumpully maid
1000 for quiet and poor grab. with the
chance Of being drowned, when he could
get it for nothing, without danger. and Il
good suit Of striped clothes thrown in.
people would know it. He asked the
doctor to tell the folks at Coc5haveu that
he would be back there with the best
stock of groceries ever brought to town
as soon as his term expired, and then he
went back to his work.
AS we intimated, the PENNSYLVANIA lax
payers who have heard OF MIR. Pun
puIIy's action are much agitated, but no
one has suggested any remedy In the
meantime NO. l,276 remains calm and
continues to gain llesh.-New York Trib-
une.