The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1893-08-09
Toldin Court

In a case before the Magistrates in
which a man was charged with threaten
ing his wife with carving knife, the
defendant. to the amusement Of the
Court, said "he ought to have taken the
advice given by old Weller, TO beware
Of the vidders. That was all he had TO
say in bis defense" He was reminded
by ihe Bench that his recollection Of
that advice would not avail him much if
be broke the law by threatening his wife,
and he Was bound over to keep the
peace.
Intoxication is often pleaded by pris-
oners in their defense, coupled at times
with very odd excuses. An Irishman
not long since WAS summoned before a
bencb OF county Magistrates for being
drunk and dsorderly.
"D0you know what brought you here ~
was the question put to him.
"Faix, yer Honor, two policemen
replied the prisoner.
'Had not drink something to DO with
bringing you here ?" said the Magistrate,
frowning.
-Sortinly," answered Paddy, unabash-
ed. They were both drunk"
The inebriete, who on being reproached
for not leading a regular life denied the
charge by saying ~he returned home
every night intoxicated" was scarcely so
ingenious in his defense as the Scotchman
in the following
~Hullo, james, tipsy as usual. What
in the world has set you on the spree
now ?'
"Ah We mamma be harsh, governor
did We no hear my grand whistling
canary vas dead %
stupid fellow, leaving your WORK and
getting drunk for the death of 4 bird.
Don't you know a man should look upon
such incidents as triiles ."
"SoI DO, governor, SO 1 90, man but if
We wanted a spree yerser, ye wad be glad
of my ony handle to turn the crane vi"
Legal annals could furnish many
instances Of quite as queer excuses
pleaded by the accused as the following
The widow Of French chemist, famous
for his research in toxicology, was On trial
for poisoning her husband. It was
proved that arsenic was the medium
employed.
"Why did you use that poison?" asked
the presiding Magistrate
Because sobbed the culprit, "it was
the one he liked best"
A man accused Of appropfiating pair
Of boots explained that his intentions
We're far from stealing them. The reason
ne continued wearing them was that he
bad not enough money TO buy another
psir, and when he had drawn his next
wages he would most certainly have
bought a new pair and taken them back"
The defense was not considered satisfAct-
ory and he was committed for trial.
There is q Yarkee smack about the
following: The clerk Of the court bade
the witness give his name and hold up
his hand % be sworn. He took the oath
with such dignifed eomposure that
every one felt there stood b-fore them
a calm, self collected, truthful man, whose
evidence would 90 far 70 convince the
minds Of the Jurors in this sensational
case. There was a distinct murmar as
people settled themselves 20 listen 10 his
testimony.
Now, sir" said the Judge, "tell the
jury what you know about the matter"
Il don't know anything about it,
replied the witness blandly.
Then may ask why you had your
self summoned as witness ?"
so as TO get good sight Of the priso-
ner and the court. Tickets weren't to be
had for love or money"
I have been a great sufferer from dry
catarrh for many years, and tried many
remedies, but none did me 50 much ben
as Ely's Cream Balm It completely
cured me. N. j. Lally, 50 Woodward
Ave, Boston Highlands, Mass.
After using Ely's Cream Balm two
months was surprised to find that the
right nostril, wEich was closed for over
twenty years, was open and free as the
other, and can USE it now as L could not
DO for many years feel very thankful
r. Il. Cressengham, 27f fIS,h St Brook
lyn.