New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1893-09-10

And lot every man know tnat inc pHu ''iae "'' ~"
Is no kind OF bird to chase.
Then I'D and away for this high-hyng FOWL,
Let him pierce to the deeps of the sky,
Let him understand. with the salt in our hand
Well chase till the day that we die.
THE ACCURATE SIMON BOMBLETON.
Simon Bombleton was the worst man ever knew
But still he never broke any Of the commandments
as far as | could ever discover. a man may De
nend and still keep all the commandments.
But yet Simon Bombleton very sinful man.
He was wicked. and most potently believe thor-
oughly depraved. His great sin was accuracy-and
for this sin. In It's final development there Is no
forgiveness
NV purpose In telling this sad tale is to entreat
all Young men who feel this insdious habit OF &C
curacy gradually growing upon them to break
violently away from the subtle threads that are i'm
perceptibly being woven about them. Flee from
the awful habit OF accuracy you would flee from
! the City Of Destruction Reform before 1t Is too
| late
Listen to the evil life and awful fate Of Simon
| Bombeton
simon was so accurate that he would count the
moon every night to see how many 1t was. lie was
terribly afraid that some night he might count 1t
| wrong.
IIe said Charles Dickens an awful liar The
books that he wrote were not true and why fools
/ should read his wrctched fasehoods and pay big
prices for them when the honest. exact and accur-
I ate reports OF the Census Bureau could De haa LOT
the asking was a mystery he couldn't solve.
He didn't believe the Bible because he said II
wasn't accurate 1t made this explicit. unquali1ed,
unconditional statement: Cast thy bread upon the
waters and thou shalt find 1t after many days
simon declared that this was So for he had
! tried IT, He asked his wife one day for a Ioat OF
bread and he took 1t down to the sawmill brook
and east il upon the waters Then he waited many
davs. but ~ never found Il again. He said TINS
WAS enough for him. II demonstrated the mac
ciracy of the Scriptures and he again turned to
/ his blessed Census Reports for consolation.
Simon couldn't read Shakespeare because ne said
that Shakespeare was lacking in Intellect. A man
who could say nnd sermons In stones ana
/ books In tho running brooks" was either crazy
or foolish Nhat Shakespeare lacked ""r" Drains
and facts He had no head for figures ana 50 h-
| made W lies and Simon regretted To say many
/ peopl- were silly enough 10 read them rather than
read the almanac.
! tried once. to get Simon TO read Emerson He
! took the book ana opened To the passage liitch
your wagon to star.
/ Emerson IL a fool" says he. 1T would take an
expert harness-mnker 23jlg2,S years TO make har-
ness long enough to hitch wagon To ia" nearest
/ fixed star: and after he had got ii made 1t would
take. sl7c ag years to hitch II on: and then after
he had got 1t hitched on the wagon would he so
thoroughly drcayrd that an expert chemist couldn't
find "A trace Of IL; and the harness would have been
floating through the nterstellar spaces In the form
Of cosmlc dust for "A period OF ls.i7G3 years. on.
Emerson Is "A fool" says he. "Nhy is II men read
such twaddIe and read the Census Report and
get facts?"
simon said Tennyson was the biggest gump he
ever did see But he had great admiration for
Babbage the mathematiclan who exploded Tenny-
sons statement that
Every moment dies man
Every moment one il bOrn;'
and who asked the poet to amend the lines in
future editions that they might read,
Every moment dies man.
Every moment one and one-siXteenth OF man IS
born
Babbaee. Simon said was a far bigger than
Old Tennyson.
simon wouldn't read Mark Twain and Bin Nye.
He said they seldom made an accurate statement.
and to the honor of human nature ne SAID ne was
glad that nearly everybody laughed at everything
they wrote Men 80 careless in the statement OF
facts as they were ought to be laughed at
Nobody could talk with Simon, for Simon was ac-
curae and always told the truth and the bald truth
always kills social conversation as dead az Paris
green kills the potato bug. simon was accurately
truthful and would Introduce a conversation by
saying: IL sorry to see you, or -FOUR iaise
teeth are very wobby this morning" or. YOU are
looking more disspated than eyer. or your
clothes do not fit you. Your coatse"ves are three
elghths of inch too long. and your pantaloons
are one and one-sxty-fourth of an inch too short
Such remarks were not conducive to further con-
And simon would allow one to talk to him;
he would strew his powders of facts all along the
conversational highway for the unucky coh'erSa-
tonaist TO tumble over , 49,
Last July" said his wife to Simon. when you
bought that ten-acre lot- at. -
But il wasn't last July" said simon IL was
last August. And il wasn't ten-acre lot; IL was
a Fl and two-ninrteenthS acre lot
Last August" continued his wife, "whth you
bought your ten and tWo-nineteenths acre lot- =.
THE first day Of August, my dear De accurate
interrupted Simon. -, ,,
THE first day OF August" continued his vile
The first day OF last August broke in simon
Then his wife got disguised. as usual, ana relrsu
her closet and fervently prayed tnat ne inHtsn
die. And "A loud Amen" was In the hearts VI Ill
her neighbors. . 49,. o,,
And il will lend a glimmer OF light to this sombre
tale when tell the reader that he did dle. re ueu
accurately He found one morning III nus
library big book OF statistics had iasn , iIon
the shelf and struck him accurately upon the heau
Everybody said 1t a beautiful and appropriate
death ~, $500. a..
And n serene and blessed peace brooded over the
neighborhOod.
| notice that The Man With-Trinkets- Madefrom-
the Elm, in Front -of- Daniel Websers Birth
place s inst as numerous at the Worlds Fair as
he was nj the Centennial. That is. he Is like the
sands Of the seashorc uncounte1 for multitude.
In the mean time the tree In front Of Daniel Web
sters birthnIoce still continues to flourish. In spite
OF the thousands OF cords OF wood that are used /
from II Annually for the making Of these trinkets.
The anxious mamie who worries lest the suns /
heat will give ont and lest the procession OF the !
equinoxes will bring back the ilacia ie.ou ashi
is also very much troubled for fear that the WORLDS
wood and lumber supply Will give Out a' T., ~ fr o