The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1893-11-11
QUEER TELEGRAMS.
Curious Blunders Made In Sending
Death Notices.
ullteracy and Absent Mindedness Respon.
sible for Many Of the Funny Mes
cages That Are Sent Over
the Wires.

1t may seem sacrilegious TO say that
many of the death kilograms" sent
over the wires have a grotesque side,
yet it is SO. Illiteracy accounts for
many of these grewsomely amusing
announcements; the mental agitation
accompanying the loss of relatives or
friends accounts for more, but there is
undoubtedly certain percentage
which are ridiculous in CHASTITY fash
ion because of actual hard-heartedness
on the part of the sender To the last
class. thinks the Philadelphia Times.
belongs the telegram sent by daugh-
ter to announce. with cheerful levity,
that Mamma kicked 1880 last night
We will try to make burial on Mon
day" 1t was illiteracy. together with
a solemn sense that the occasion de-
manded something extra in the way of
emotional expression, that prompted
sorrowing man to struggle over a tele-
graph form for fifteen minutes and f.
nally to hand to the receiving clerk a
message which briefly read: MY wife is
laing pointed at death" From another
afflicted benedict went out the cry: MY
white is wherry i'll. Come now," and the
news that Ma is very bad with
ammonia" must have carried sorrow with
it in spite of its decidedly doubtful
photography and etymoiogy. One of
the commonest stumbling blocks in
spelling with the unlettered is illus
trated by the message which said sim
ply: ''Our little boy died-cholerain
phantom" and the difficulties of rhe-
torical construction are plainly marked
in the telegram which read: George
Is dying in haste answer"
Serene trust in the hereafter was
carried to an almoet ludicrous extent
by the mourners, who telegrapned to
friends that Grandpa Jones peace
fully left for his Heavenly home this
morning" following it up by the very
practical remark that Any sugges-
tions about the interment will be
thankfully received" Polly is dead
she ate matches" left the curious op-
orator in doubt as to whether Polly
was the infant daughter of the house
or the beloved family parrot, and the
telegraphic instruction to Give the
dear one decent burial and send bill''
was a judicious mixture of properly
controlled feelings and truly Yankee
thrift.
Authorizations are dangerous arti-
cles of commerce at all times, but par
ticularly SO in the case of kilograms.
One individual failed to realize this.
and probably from mistaken desire
to economic. telegraphed to rela-
tivss: "Jane died yesterday Fun at
two o'clock Sunday" 1t took some
time to realize that fun was a con-
traction for funeral" One might al
most be forgiven for spasm of I'M
canny terror at a telegram reading:
"Your mother is dead and wants you
to come home" and the anti-climax
of seriousness seems to have been
reached by tho man who telegraphed:
"Ann Smith is dead. Not able to bury
herself"
Not many years ago a prominent
citizen of southern town died sudden
ly. The thoughts of a northern friend
turned with sympathy toward the sur
viving members of the family, and it
entered his heart to telegraph his con-
dolences at once to the widow. I'm
fortunately he was an absent-minded
man, and being accustomed to commu-
nicate with his dead friend On mat
tiers of business. the message as it
reached its destination read: ITO
John Smith. Please accept assurances
of my sincere sympathy in your fiery
trial" Another lazy yet condolent
friend wired to grief-stricl1en fam
lily: You all have my profound sym
pathy. but my presence would not add
any mitigation to your grief, the old
lady having departed"