The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1893-08-24
Happy Thoughts Neatly Put.


from the hospital to the extra session in
an ambulance. -Atlanto Constitution.
Defeat has its compensations. Hon.
Benjamin Harrison will not have to be
on duty in the White House during the
dog days.-Neao York Recorder.
Doubtless the people who have been
engaged in prosecuting and killing Jews
in the Crimea call themselves Christians
-Neao York Advertiser.
The Cherokee strip was formerly
scalp.-DollaS NeaOs.
Children don't feel as bad as they
should when their mother gets sick, be-
cause they get so many good things that
she can't eat.-AtchiSon Globe.
1t is not definitely known just what
the wild waves around Buzzard's Bay
are saying, but it's pretty safe to affirm
that they are not begging for an office.
--Chdcogo Record.
True religion is in no danger from the
heresies of Professor Briggs. 1t has more
to fear from the rigid puritanlsm which
tries to dragon seventeenth century
bigotry into nineteenth century sur
neutrality-suspicious. Gazette.
You may drive horse to the water
but you cannot make it drink. So with
the working classes and the Chicago
Sunday opening. They don't care to pay
fifty cents for the privilege of getting a
drink in the Exposition.-Steep Brook
Bazoo.
The most unhappy people in the world
are those who are so well off that they
are always trembling at the thought of
loss and ruin.-IrWth.
If badness is to be pensioned what is
the matter with giving the babies few
dollars a month? They would not ask
any back pay.-Memphis Appeal.
The last so-called flying machine was
not distinguished for its fiyness. -Boston
Times.
The Fair is to be closed on Sundays,
and as if that wern't enough Pat Egan
is coming home.-Chacago MaiJ.
Pat Egan, ex>Minister to Chilli, has
started for home. Once in while one
of these South American countries gets
the better of us.-Cnicago Post.
1t is not so much a lack of money as
lack of confidence that bothers the coun-
try Just now. We have as much money
as we ever had.-San Jose Mercury.
The only applicant that can now get
Al tI,n fn ~ ~
oestoa1 NeaOs.
The country insists that no more silver
be fed to the goose that lays the golden
eggs.-St. Louis Globe Democrat.
1t is the verdict of the Georgia weekly
editors that, if they had an income, they
would be perfectly willing for it to be
taxed.-Atloa1to Constitution.
The temperance question will be as far
from solution as ever, whatever may
be the result in South Carolina of the
novelty in liquor legislation.-Kan
City Journal
1t is in weather like this that some
people begin to discover that pouring
iced drinks into the system doesn't keep
it cOol.-Ch3cGgO RecOf0.
The Washington Star is trying to find
out which is the lower in public opinion
silver or Altgeld.-Los angeles Times.
The sooner a young man finds out
that records are not the only things that
are broken on race tracks, the more new
shoes his baby will have-Detfoit Tribune.
Mr.. Suddenly Good II dropped a $40
bill in the contribution box in church
last Sunday" His Friend Cynic: "Did
you, indeed What was the matter with
it ?'-Neao York Times.
The active dog-catcher often catches it
most severely when the woman who
owns the dog catches him at his little
game.-Saoanse0 Gazette.
The first year after girl graduates
gle to live up to her ideals that she
makes after marriage. Globe.
Even to deaf man, justice guaran-
tees hearing Yonkers Gazette.
Congressman "Tim" Campbell has de-
MED the rumor that he was writing
prose work. But it is significant that he
does not deny he is preparing series of
sonnets on the Constitution.-Neao York
Tribune.
! The fool killers love of variety is dis
cernable in the surf bathers who ven-
ture into deep water without the knowl-
edge of the gentle art of swimming
Neao York Recorder.
/ The only suspicion of crookedness in
heaven came out when an astronomer
discovered that some of the stars had
been tixed.-Neao Orleans Picayatne.
| The political protractionist will not be
able to convince business men that they
don't know what troubles them.-Neao
York World.
The Scotch are very canny people, but
they are not as can>can>ny as the French.
Boston Courier.
A man will get mad quicker at being
called fool than at any other term you
may USE 1t is probably because the al
legation is so easy to prove.-Chester
| Nea0S.
Good Looks.
Good looks are more than skin deep,
depending upon healthy condition of
all the vital organs. Ii the Liver be IN
| active YOU have a Bilious Look If your
stomach disordered you have a Dyspep-
tic Look and if your Kidneys be affected
you have Punched Look. Secured
good health and you will have good looks
Electric Bitters is the great Alternative
and Tonic acts directly on these vital or
gans. Cures Pimples, Blotches, Boils
and gives good complexion. Sold at
Farrar& Williamson's Drugstore, SOC. per
bottle.
An Antarctic whaling and sealing
company designed to operate On large
scale is being formed in Dundee. The
| .>.o.., 81 q nc ,,rnnnsa to fit nm q daNQt ON