davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
The Neck of the House.

There are husbands who, among
their male companions, like to have
it supposed that they are just a little
tyrannical at home. One such man,
who had two or three friends at his
house one evening, remarked,a ,as they
were chatting together comfortably
at rather late hour.
"Yes, | do what like at home.
My wife, has to bend to my will, |
can tell you. In my own house I'm
a regular Julius Cesar"
His wife came into the room in
time to hear this last sentence.
The tyrant Of his household looked
little uneasy, but his wife neither
frowned, nor, apparently, paid any
attention to the remark. But, after
a moment, she remarked verv pos
itively.
Gentlemen, it is late, aud julius
Caesar has got to 60 to bed"
Whereupon the husband arose,
stammered his excuses, and retired,
leaving his guests to find their way
out as best they could. II was in
another household that another hus-
band once remarked to his wife.
"You know, my dear, that I'm the
head Of the house."
"You may be the head AS much
as you like, said the wife, "but I'm
the neck"
"The neck? Oh, yes, you may
be the neck if you want TO, my dear"
"very well. It's the neck that
turns the head whichever way it
pleases, isn't itp" q
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
Why Willie Got a Spanking

His Mamma.-"Willie, | wish
you would go into the pantry and
bring ME the bottle with q rubber
cork in it, that you will find on the
top shelf"
Willie (returning after a pro-
longed absence. )-"Couldn't find
any bottle with a rubber cork,
mamma"
"You didn't look. Go again
It's in plain sight--a big, round
bottle with rubber cork in it
Make haste"
(After another prolonged alb.
sence. )-"You must be mistaken
mamma. No bottle there with 9
rubber cork"
(Goes herself and returns with
bottle. )-"You good-for-nothine
boy! 1t was standing where you
couldn't help seeing it. I've 6
good mind to-"
"Oh, that's the bottle, is it.
Why, saw that one all right
enough"
"Then why didn't you bring it?'
"You said you wanted one with Q
rubber cork in it"
Closing all patience.) CAM
you see this one has rubber cork p
"Oh, no, mamma. That's n rub.
ber stopper. There's 10 such thing
as a rubber cork. Chicago Trib-
unp
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

A father was very much annoyed
by the foolish questions of his little
son. Johnny, you are a great
source of annoyance tome" what
is the matter, pap" you ask so
many foolish questions. wasn't
big donkey when | was your age"
mo, pa, but you've CROWD a heap
since. Texas Siftings.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
For Over Fifty Years

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup has been
used for over fifty years by millions OF
mothers for their children while teethlng,
with perfect success. 1t soothes the child,
softens the gums, allays all pain, cures
wind collie, and Is tho best remedy for
Diarrhoea. 1t will relieve the poor little
sufferer Immediately. Sold by Druggists
In every part Of the world. Twenty-Five
cents bottle. Be sure and ask for Mrs.
Winslow's Soothing Syrup and take no
other kind. l188y1
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
A Surgical oneratIon.

For the cure of Piles is always painful,
often dangerous and useless, and invari-
ably expensive; on the other hand there is
a new. certain cure, perfectly painless.
gives instant relief and permanent cure
and costs but tribe. II is the Pyramid
Pile Cure. II is more certain cure than
a surgical operation, without any Of the
intense pain, expense and danger OF an
operation. Any druggist will get 1t for
you.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
II I9 Strange

That people suffering from Piles will
endure them for years or submit to dan
gerous, painful, cruel and expensive
surgical operations, when all the time
there is a painless, certain, lasting cure,
which gives instant relief and costs but
trife. 1t Is called the Pyramid Pile Cure
and can be found at all drug stores. Any
druggist will get II for you If you ask
him.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Ethel Knox-"You are II man af-
ter my own heart" Jack Ash
"Darling!" Ethel Knox-"But
you won't get it."-Vogue.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

The watering-place girl says that
when the squeeze" is over in Wall
street she hopes it will come her
Florida Times-Union.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

IL sounds rather odd to read in
the hardware market reports that
cutlery is dull.-Pittsburg Dispatch.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

He-"I beg your pardon, but |
never can get your name" She
(naively)-"No? Then possibly
| might get yours" "-Godey's
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
HUMOROUS.

"Great Caesar" thought the fisher
man,
Beside the waters blue,
81 only wish the fish would bite
As these mosquitoes do"
-Harper's Bazar.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30
MICHIGAN CENTRAL
"The Niagara Falls Route"
Time Card in Effect.

.D.,iy. All other trains Daily % sxsePs eSn cars On
paylor car on day trains and sleeping '"'' y"
night s,snst uns 90 niagara Falls, Buffalo, SeM H
s Ihe moston' Detroit, Toledo, Chicago anu ."
.;nt. in the United States and Cahaqn q,,sd states
Through tickets 10 all points IN 'ns o"'''.
anu ''n' WHITING, Ticket Agent
ow RueeLEs. o. P. q T. Ast'
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

"Fractional currency is getting
fearfully scarce" you're right;
] saw man just now who could't
even change his mind." Atlanta
Constitution.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

"Chollie has developed great
amount of muscle lately" II Nv
do you know" III saw him hold
his straw hat without any help"
Chicago Inter Ocean.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Here is an Episcopal story. Bish-
op Williams Of Connecticut is the
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

81 have II sure way of getting
mosquitoes out of a room," said the
melancholy man at the seaside
boading house. "How do you dc
it?" asked several people at once.
IL 60 out of doors myself" he re-
piled. Washington Star.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

"What makes the weather SO un-
certain?' said the man with his
coat buttoned up to his chin. 81
guess the thermometer must have
taken a-drop to much replied his
friend with a shiver. Washington
Star.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Tommy-"My father is in the
butcher business. What business
is your'n IMP" Sammy-"My faith
er don't have to follow any business.
He's an alderman. Chicago Tri-
bune.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

"Well, Mollie," said her papa,
who is a militia colonel, "did you
see me marching up Broadway to-
day?" "Yeth," said Mollie, land
was real mad, papa. They might
have let you have drum to play on
like those others had."-Harper's
Bazaar.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Parent.--Do you consider my son
a promising pupil, Mr.. Birch?
Mr.. Birch.-Yes. He has been
promising me every day for a year
past that he would have better les
sons.-Ex.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Mamma--"lf you eat amy more
of that pudding, Tommy, you will
see the bogie-man tonight" Tom
my (after a moments thought)-
"Well, give me some more. !
might as well settle my mind about
the truth of the story once for ALL y
-Tid-Bits.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

"Oh, that must be too lovely for
anything" said Hortensia, when
she read an account of stage rob-
berry in the far west. Lovely to
robbed?" asked Uncle John
Lovely to be held up" said Hor-
tensia, with a roseate blush.--Bos-
ton Transcript.
Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-08-30

Old Bullion Con his death bed J.
"All my property is willed to you
but ] am afraid my children by m,
first wife will make a contest ant
then the lawyers will get it.
Young wife-"Don't worry, IN,
love; | can easily fix that. II
marry one of the lawyers. ."-Ney
York Weekly,
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
Couldn't Brighten That Picke...

was so fortunate as to be appointed
corporal that winter, says writer in
Blue and Gray, and the first time j
went on picket in TINT capacity an in.
cident occurred which, if it was not
the origin of since familiar term, was
the first instance of its use within my
recollection, though the emphasis at
the time was somewhat different than
it was after the phrase became slang
expression. IT happened that | was
detailed with the first relief, and as we
rode to the line the corporal of the old
pirEet accompanied us to show me the
line and thc various posts, to explain
the surroundings and transmit TO me
the orders, and to call in his own men.
As Va rode along he related Joke that
was played upon one of his men while
there. Not far from the upper post,
and i'll rear of IT, was IN old grave As
the victim Of the joke went on duty
the first time, the man whom he re-
lieyed told him that at midnight the
night before the ghost of man wal
seen near that grave, riding around on
horseback, without any head. This 80
frightened the man that he did not
dare to go on duty on the midnight re-
lief, but instead hired braver com.
rade to stand his picket for him.
When 1 posted my relief, between
eleven and twelve o'clock that night
this story came into my mind, and
thought 10 have bit of sport with the
man whom l was to leave there all
alone ut that midnight hour, 80 / told
him the story with all The awe i could
put into my tone and manner. But
my picket didn't frigh.en so easily.
H. vas Just lighting his pipe, and re-
Piled between whilis: swell puff,
ii there's mau (puff) comes around
here puff tonight tput) without any
head on (pulf, puif), I'll put head on
him" He wasn't disturbed during his
midnight vigil.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

A Lowell Mass. man gave SUR.
geon now prncticing ia Great Falls,
n. II, deed some years ago, dispos.
ing of his body for anatomical pur.
poses, at his death. for $40 in hand
He has since been in South America,
has made n great deal OF money, and
is now anxious to have n decent funern
and interment when he dies, bat coun
sci whom he has consulted. advises hin
that the deed holds good unless Ia,
buys it from the holder This he In,
tried to do, but the doctor has refused
large offers
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
Geological Nomenclature.

The "butfalo" in the United States
is bison the partridge" of Michi.
gan and the pheasant" of Pennsyl.
yania and other States is IA ruffed
grouse; the "rGbbit, SO plentiful in
the market at times, is a hare. Both
species of grouse, the ruffed and pin.
mated, are called pheasant, par.
fridge and "patrige," and the pinnat-
ed grouse is universally referred to as
the "prairie chicken. "Prairie
chicken" is not bad name for the
pinnated grouse, for it is original and
does not confound it with other birds,
but it is not right, to use the names
partridge" and pheasant" when re-
ferring to our grouse, for these are the
correct names of European specimens
New York Commercial Advertiser.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
1856 MINERS MEET D[I
ONLY NINE ESCAPE pE.,.
The Remainder of the las wo,t-
ths'Thornhiii Mine Killed b, ~
Explosion

Eight men and a boy have been :.
alive from the Thornhill mine nea, I,
shire. where las men and boys wa.
prisoned by On explosion OF firedsms
hope for the others is abandoned m. !.
OF the victims are being rapidly b,o,a
the surface. The scenes at the moT'
the pit as the bodies are brought n,
recognized by the relatives and franA
the dead are most distressing.
Late Wednesday evening the rescr..
brought ~ boiies to the surface T.n
were brought up In an unconscion,
ton but still breathing. Six men ~,
us'ained no injury whatever, but b.Il
imprisoned behind huge mass of ~
were dug out this evening. When
appeared at the mouth of the pit tbsv 4
greeted in most touching manner 4, n
relatives and friends. y!
Ne reason has been given for the e,,i.
out the conjecture is that 1t was can.,il
carelessne's on the part OF oAe OF the =
IN opening his lamp
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

The Turks who are on exhibition n
the Worlds Fair do not have n surfei
of the luxurious ease of which thei
Nation is proverbially fond. They ar,
employed most of the time in carrying
people about in palanquins, and some.
times the burden proves oncrous. One
who with a companion was thus trans
porting corpulent woman was hearc
to murmur: "Accursed am /, and
kick my bones for the day that | frs
heard OF Colum bus"
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

Thomas a. Edison, the inventor. say
that no person can he brought in clos,
connection with the mysteries of ma
ture, or make Il study Of chemistry or
of the law of growth without beins
convinced that behind it all there is
Supreme Intelligence He says thai
he hopes TO be- able some time To- dem
onstrate the existence of such lnteli
gence through the operation OF thes,
mysterious laws with the certainty of
demonstration in mathematics.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
established church she should not give

The other day drummer on the
Chicago and Northwestern Rond pre-
sented his milagc book to the condhc.
tor, and the latter. after asking him n
few question, put the book into his
pocket, saying, will see you later. -
After while the drummer asked for
his book, and the conductor refused to
surrender it. Thereupon the drummer
got off at II station and telegraphed
ahead for an officer to arrest thief.
The officer boarded the train and the
drummer pointed out the conductor,
vino was arrested in spite of his pro.
tests and taken before magistrate,
who fined him 81 and costs, and re-
turned the book TO its owner. As they
were both leaving court the conductor
said, 'I'll smash your face for this y
Thereupon the drummer Immediately
had him rearrested and taken before
the same Judge, who put him undc,
bonds to keep the peace at more costs.
That conductor met his match.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

During the fishing season of 1892
the United States Fish Commission,
which busies itself solely with the pro-
pagation of edible fish in the waters all
over the country, stocking rivers with
species new to the region. distributing
eggs and young fish to the lakes and
sea coasts, and working in vast num-
ber Of ways TO the one end, distributed
a total of BOG, $50, i32 eggs, fry and
yearlings of all kinds Of fish. The
largest operations were in shad. q
this fish 90, 900, 600 fry, 1000, 900
yearlings and 5000, 900 eggs were dis.
tributed. Cod is the fish most dis
tributed next to shad, and of whitehsh,
lake trout, pike, perch, salmon, flat
fish and lobster the distribution of
eggs, fry and yearlings were away up
in the millions of each, every State and
Territory getting share. The work
OF the Commission, which is of so great
importance and substantial value. to
the whole people, III done quietly, in IA
thorough business way, without parade
of any kind, and the Commission is a
by no means widely known department
of the Government.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
THE CRICKET.

oh, 10 be cricket,
That's the thingi
To scurry in the grass
And to have ones fingi
And it's oh, to be cricket
In the warm thistie-thicket,
Where the sun-winds pass,
Winds a-wing,
And the bumble-bees hang humming,
Hum and swing,
And the honey-drops are comingl
It'sto be sunny rover,
That can see a sweet, and pick II
With the sting
Never mind the sting
And it's oh. to be cricket,
In the clover
A gay summer-rover
In the warm thistle-thicket,
Where the honey-drops are coming.
Where the bumble-bees hang humming-
That's the thing
&C. q. ID. Roberts, in the Cosmopolitan.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
THAT is large amount said Ne

4
banker.
"Ob. very we'll, then," replied
Billy. eve have only to do our duty.
You are not absent; you are here. The
amount is large, as you say, but you
must remember that the risk is tire.
mendous."
eyes, admit that, said the banker
with a sigh; ''but You said you would
take twenty thousand or even seven.
teen thousand n moment ago."
There are four men to square, be-
sides myself" answered the inspector,
''and II one Of them objected of course
the game would be up. 1 shall not
take the risk even of mentioning IL 10
them for anything less than twenty.
four. and il think any longer about
it j shall raise the price 70 thirty"
81 agree to the e24 co.," said the
banker, hastily. "Can you make sure
of your men.-of their silenceP"
Reasonably sure answered Billy.
'The only question is, can we have
the money in gold here and now?"
al am not sure that / can give yon
all that amount in gold, but think I
can" He consulted pocketbook he
had with him and added some figures
together. "Yos," he said, 'I can do
it,"
every we'll" said Billy, ''it is bar.
gain"
Billy called his pals, and together
they accompanied the banker to an.
other room that contained large safe.
which Slider opened. He took out
several bags, and, taking down pair
of scales from the top of the safe, said,
"You may weigh this, and you will
find it correct. There are five bags
here. and they each contain G5000."
"Open all OF the bags" said Billy,
cautiously. The banker did so, and
Billy ran handful of gold from each
OF them through his fingers and found
everything correct.
How much does n thousand weigh ?"
he asked the banker, and on receiving
his answer placed one of the bags
in the scales.
at is pity TO break brlk." said
Billy. 81 think We will call it f25,.
600"
"Very well" answered the banker.
Suppose you call your men in. |
wish to be sure that you will keep your
part of the compact"
The four men were speedily inside
the room, and their eyes opened ne
they saw the glitter of the gold. The
inspector briefly detailed TO them the
points of the bargain, while the banker
looked from man to man and listened
nnxiously.
"You agree to this?" said Billy, and
each of the men nodded.
"You will have no further trouble
from us, Mr.. Slider, said Billy Haven,
politely, "at least for twenty-four
hours"
The banker drew u deep breath of
relief as each man took bag of gold
and quietly departed.
A few days after the papers were
filled with the startling announcement
that Mr.. Slider, the well-known banker,
had absconded, and that an enormous
amount OF money was missing. In.
vestigation of the books showed that he
had been preparing for fight for over
a year, and rumor has it that he is now
living somewhere in South America
But that is one of the things about
which nobody knows anything definite
Detroit Free Press.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

There are 5552 benefces in England
md Wales afiording less income to
the incumbents than $1,000 II year.
There is great complaint Mt the poverty
OF the clergy. 1t is almost as grievous
to-day as in Sydney Smiths time, and
the New Orleans Picayune suggests
that the witty and sarcastic jibes OF
tina, verend satirist on the policy
nits such conditions might be
: II England % 10 has an
established church she should not give
princely incomes to bishops and leave
the humber clergy to abiect poverty
and misery.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
Mexico took over 6,0OO, 900 bushel
of corn from this country last year.

The Minister OF Public instruction
in France has decided TO establish 100,
more experiment fields in addition tt
the GOO that now exist in connection
with the primary schools.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
A 53l Day Session Ended.

The Kentucky Legislature, after being iu
session 5l3 days, adjourned sine die on
Monday. The cost to the STATE was 5000, OO0
aud hereafter sessions will be limited by
law TO ID days
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
SILVER PURCHASE STOP,
A Temporary Cessation BY Sees,
Carlisle, With No Intimas,
Whether it Will Soon n.

Resumed.
Secretary Carlisle has decided no, T,
sume the purchase of silver aud ha, :,
fled the principal firms that offer sin.
the Treasury on purchasing day,
action is unusual, but US the matter o.,
chasing silver on certain days is disc.
ary with the Secretary Of the Trca,g,
is simply exercising his right.
The reason assigned in the notice ~.
intending offers IS that the Trca,r,,
partment had not yet completed II, !.
settlements ut the United Sta,e, \
Whether silver purchases will be f.,'
cn Wednesday next is left open. T5.,
paid for silver when the Treasury n
ment completed its Junc purcha,,
50. 500 per ounce. Since then il ba, /.
ed TO so .626 per ounce aud IS quo,ct +,
80. 1880 or ounce.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
ECONOMIC ASPECTS or TIE DRINK TRAFFIC..


From whatever standpoint we look on this
evil OF intemperance we are amazed at its
hldeousness. Consider simply the economic
aspects OF It, We meet in congresses OF la
Dor. The labor question has become the
great question OF the day. The millions OF
toilcrs demand that they have some part In
the privileges and happiness of this world,
ana the labor question IL great and a
mighty one. We need to give TO every child
OF God some rays OF the sunshine which is
Intended for all, and we need to give to every
child OF God a sufilciency OF the fruits OF the
earth which the Creator gave to the children
OF men at large and not TO few
But at the very threshold OF this labor
question comes this temperance question, IL
Is fearful to think oft, but In this Nation OF
tho United States over 81 900 900 900 annu-
ally Is spent in the direct trafllc OF intoxicat-
ing liquors, besides its being the direct cause
OF the waste OF much more money. Men are
unable TO work because OF injury done TO
their appelltes by drink. Time is absorbed
In drinking, the country's resources are scat
tered TO the wind 1t would be much better
II the money given to drink were taken and
cast lto the lake. At least IL would then
leave behind II no harm.
But here, In this beginning OF the Twen-
ueth Century in civilization, wc are taking
the riches OF the country and using them TO
purchase tears, mourning and misery We
are using them so that our families will be-
demolished, SO that .he very social fabric be
endangered. And not only this, but we sit
stlll. we look on-we Christians. we who
have an interest in the country and In bu-
manity-and we see the armies OF the liquor
interests forming in serrled ranks defying
even the very Nation. Is 1t not q shame and
disgrace that in any civilized Christian
community laws arc made and guarded sa-
credly on the statute books, and yet the
liquor Interests throughout the country are
able 10 laugh these laws TO scorn and TO say
to other interests "Obserye these laws az
you will. We, the liquor dealers, are above
law. bishop Ireland.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
THE ARREST OF SLIDER
By ROBERT DARR.

HAVEN was
no ordinary bur
glar. His theory
was that if p man
wished to make II
success of his pro.
fession, he needed
TO use his brain
rather than his
muscle. II vas all
right enough, when
starting out TO COM
nit n burglary, to
take n knife with
you, or II loaded
club, orapistol, but
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13

WIFE-"I have just been to the
dentists and had a tooth drawn"
Husband (heaving a sigh)-"Lucky
tooth! 1t is now beyond the reach OF
your tongue. DE Sobremesa.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1893-07-13
Still Creeping Upward.

The net gold in the National Treasury n,
She close OF business "Wednesday was sos,-
089,057