Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1893-06-04
PADEREW ISKIANA.
A Tai. from "Town Topics" Showing the Mis-
fortune Of Too Much Love "A Splendid
Satire on the Hystsrical Women Of America

IDIl=0ILtO L1 kkL0AC0 VI 49,
themum, sits on a heap of PROSTATE NAL
dens and performs a tender composition OF
his own on a typewriter. On all sides wo-
men are dropping dead from sheer ecstasy.
They enjoy it, and would not avoid such a
delicious death if they could. A deputatlon
from Lallygag advances, after the wild
applause that follows the great vlrtuoso's
performance has ceased, and presents
Thorley's flower store TO the King. He
takes it with a sigh Of WEAKNESS and asks
to be left alone.
THE PRESIDENT OF III LALLYGAG
DELEGATION "a young woman with a
bilious eye and very cold hands)-Ah,
great King, turn not from US. we
would linger neal thee, that the CRATE
full glow of thy golden aureole may shed
itself upon US, and ~irradiate with super
nal sDlendor the erstwhiie gloomy cor
ridors of our souls.
PADEREwsKI (elevating his left eye
brow Observation-Disclosures corridors
Of der soul, vat der deffei isski dose
tlngs? l witch you would spiksi Poland;
dem Amkerlitch lankftch assent brutty,
not by dampsite, ut | Understood not
vat il means by dose tin5s you haski
said.
THE delegation from Lallygag swooD at
the sound Of the great mans voice, and Is
removed in ambulance. Its place is x
by the delegation from Hysteria, armed
with scissors to cut souvenirs from the
kings top-knot
THE PRESIDENT OF THE HYsTERIA
DELEGATIoN-0 monarch, whose bright
and FURNISHED brow has ne'er known
the profane touch of barber, look thou
upon US an smile. o Seraph, with the
long lily fingers and amethystine eye,
we would snip small strands from thy
chaotic locks and wear them coiled for
ever about our quivering hearts. o
beauteous minstrel, thy slaves have
come to worship thee and do thy bid
ding. What, oh, what act shall we
persorm to prove our alteration, what
shall we bring to thee as symbol of our
passion?
PADEREwsKI-Pring ein larker peer.
THE majesty of these words overcomes
the delegation from Hysteria, which
promptly faints from the bliss Of the Sitna-
ton and is taken TO the hospital. Then ar
rlves the delegation from Fadville, bring
ing rose garlands and autograph albums.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE FADVILLE
DRLFGATIoN docking as though she
had been dug out of ancient Greece and
lived on pickles)-Man Of men, have
mercy, and love us We yearn, we
burn, we are in a bad way. All, trail
thy cool, pre-Raphaelite fingers over our
brows and breathe thy perfumed signs
into our ears. We will shampoo thy
radiant head three times each day with
- F~on, ~, In IN D n nat annlC
and on the tips OF thy delicate m%ustache
we will tie, between kisses, bows OF
baby-blue ribbon. Wilt love US, flower
of thy sex, or wilt let US die from loving
thee?
PADEREwsKI-Here! Is diss Rrromeo
ant Shoolietski? Vat der deffel want
dose bloc rippons On der ents off my
muchtarchski, ant Ply vat privilech
YOU'D you jampoo my hair Wit tears?
KRIS, you fill my nose Wit pushes. Go
trink icekrem sodus ant blow off steam.
ski.
He turns to the typewriting machine,
and a Beethoven sOnata tremoles from his
fingers. The delegation from Fadville ex-
pires on the sixth bat, and is borne away
in hearses. The ladies from Throbtown
advance. and cast themselves on their faces
before his majesty.
The PRESIDENT OF Il THRoBToWN
DELEGArIoN-Kill US with a look
Idol, Divinity, King! These other
slaves Of thine needed to hear thy voice
before they succumbed. We will fall
dead II thou will but glance at us. Lis
ten, and thou wilt hear the blood throb-
bling In our temples, on our lips and
against our bosoms. In throbs but for
thee, thou tender titilator of the worries.
IT'S true, we have throbbed before. We
have throbbed for Kelley, Bellew aud
de ResZke, but we have not
throbbed as the ocean throbs till now.
Never till now was our throb all-con-
suming and fatal. We are dying OF 10,
master, and ere the lesser heaven shall
dawn before US we beseech that the
paradise of thy craze may fill our hearts
with rapture.
PADEREwsKI-Vat voolishnessl Ply
chinksky, We must piled icehousses for
desc laities. Here, you go away now.
Ven l consented to become der kink OF
his g~ommoonidy l STIMULATED dat dere
must pc some vagashuns, put | netfer
get a tam vagazhun yetski. Pm egg
shozded. Der dempairature iss like
dem Durkich badS, ant makes me ber-
splre at eifery bore. KRIS, | kend slant
II any lonker. Go vorchlp some otter
weller Wit lonk hair for a week or sou,
vile I r~ecooperate.
rBut the ladies from Throbtown have
not heard his words, having died with a
scraphic expression an their faces. as soon
as Paderewski turned his gaze upon them.
Then comes the delegation from hissme-
Quick. looking determined, hungry aud
feverish. Paderewski turns pale and tries
10 escape. but the girls are too quick for
him and surround him, devouring MIN with
rGvenous eyes.
THE President OF THE KIssMEQUIcK
DELEGATION with smoke coming from
her mouth, ears and noStrils)-Pader-
ewski. we love thee, and are regular
steam engines at the business. There
is no falling dead about us. We are
here 10 Irvine our arms about thy neck
and thou must submit 10 the twlne.
Glorious example OF Burne Jonet' best
art with Just a dash OF Whistler in thy
colorlng, we are here with our ardor
aud our muscles In prime condition,
and we need exercise. Get ready
TO be caressed. Thou art the
model, the apotheosis Of perfectly
poetic masculinity, and we like the
style. We have a special kiss that we
shall devote TO thee. 1t begins on Mon
day aud ends thirty-sx hours later,
II is a discover, containing one hun
dred and twenty vibrations to the
minute. All, if thou hadst wished to
escape US thou shouldst not have played
so we'll and thou shouldst have worn
less hair. The combination was too
much, and now thou must suffer the
consequences. 1t will be a sweet death
after all. Think Of il! Thou art to be