Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1893-10-07
A PAYTENT COOKER.

paytent cooker" said the mild hammered
man with the soft low voice to the rector of
st. Bartholomew's. ut consists, as mebbe
you can SEE
But don't desire cooker and would
not look at one if l did," interrupted the
rector of St. Bartholomew in as irascibe
a manner as is permitted to his cloth.
"They come in three sizes, continued the
mild hammered man with the soft low
voice-'small, mejum and large. They're
made of tin, genuwine block tin, not rolled
tin. I have frequently Seen congratulated
on the quality of my tin. Said Bishop
Dobson to Inc, Hicks, congratulate you
on the quality of your tin"
Bishop Dobson?" queried the rector Of
St. Bartholomew with languid interest
81 don't remember to have seen his name
in the church calendar"
"Methody," explained the mild hammered
man. Pm Methody. Here's certifi.
cate from my pastor saying I'm an indi.
vidooal of moral character and use good
tin in my cookers. Here's letter from
Rev. Edward Atkins-but don't set much
store by that, bein as he is Baptis' and no
judge Of tin. The principle on which my
cooker is based"-
"You will have to excuse me-" said the
rector Of St. Bartholomew, looking hard
at the heavy gold watch presented him by
the parish on his last birthday, "but have
a sermon to write"
''Mebbe your lady would like to see the
cooker" said the mild hammered man.
tits made of genuwine block tin, and
Bishop Dobson himself said Hicks, con.
graduate you on the quality of your tim"
II have no wife" said the rector, with
the merest suspicion Of blush.
"Then buy cooker and git one," said
the mild man conGdentially. with Hicks
paytent cooker as an argumint you will
git one easy. They come in three sizes
small, mejum and large. This here is the
small one. Folds all up, you see, like a
telescope Mebbe you wouldn't believe it,
but one of them small sized cookers saved
my life once. 1t was in the spring of 1858,
or the fall of 1852, or the winter of 1854,
don't remember which, and it don't mako
no difference, that the Rev. DR.. James
Wilyums, D. D., and took passage for
Africky in the brig Thomas J. Walkup,
goin as missionaries to some of the numer-
GUS cannibal tribes that keeps down the
population, and consequently accounts for
the depressed value of real estate in the
dark continent.
'Rev Dr. Wilyums was to teach the saw
ages religion, but my mission was more
important one. was to introduce Hicks
paytent cooker among 'em You can see
that even this large sized cooker won't hold
a man, to say nothin of the mejum and
small ones. Now. calculated to teach the
savages to use my cookers, and when they
got so attached to 'em as to never eat moth
in except what was cooked in cooker
seeing that you couldn't cook man in 'em
-cannibalism would naturally die out.
When preached my plan to Bishop Dob.
son, his eyes shone, and he said: Go, Hicks,
go. Your work will supplement the work
of Rev. DR.. Wilyums. heartily commend
your plan, and I congratulate you on the
quality of your tin Them was his words,
and went.
"Well, sir, the mornin after arrived in
Africky began to talk to the chief about
my cooker, when what does he do but take
me down to the leadin grocery store of the
town and show me Rev. DIR. Wilyums
chained up.
"'Can you cook him?' axed the chief.
"'No,' said 1, my breath all gone with
surprise at the turn affairs had took.
"'Well, said the old chief, 'them's the
kind of victuals we eats. We don't con,
sumo much in the way of breakfast foods,
infants food and the like If your cooker
can't cook our style Of provisions, we amt
got any use for it,
'And with that they put me in their Jail,
and that was the last ever see or heerd OF
Rev. Dr. James Wilyums. D. D. They
would have ct me at once, but the chiefs
daughter, Ugogina, fell in love with mo
and made 'em put off the obsequies, or fes-
Invites, according as you looked at it from
my standpoint or the savages talked
nice to Ugogina and got her to bring mo
my small sized cooker, the only one the old
witch doctor what kept the cookers would
savages the finest kind of victuals they
ever ct, and they set me free and made me
royal cook, and the chief kinder smiled in
diligently at the way Ugogina was maxim
up to me. So you see the small sized cook
er saved my life"
''Tll buy the small size," said the rector
hastily II have sermon to write"
Nov you just take my advice and git q
mejum size. You can afford it. When
you Udke ULldU SLlldll Bic COOhcE FUuuu W
that young lady you re after, when you ask
her to marry you, what'll she think? Why,
she'll say to herself that in buyin this
small cooker you are layin out not to ever
have any company to meals, and if she's q
girl that is fond of company you're runnin
a risk. Wait till tell you how the mejum
sized cooker saved my life.
'Well, the old witch doctor took big
dislike to me. and kept tellin the folks that
would make q better meal cooked than
would cookin: Ugogina wanted to marry
doctor prophesied a lot Of calamities If the
marriage took place and scared the chief
Now didn't want to marry Ugogina but
l could see that If did ! would be saved
from bein ct, but thought would try to
save myself and get out of the marriage
also. could have run of to sea any day,
but there warn't no boats. / could see ships
sailin by quite often, but there warn't no
way to git off to 'em.
II decided to fix the witch doctor first.
I got Ugogina to wheedle the old Teller
to give me my mejum sized cooker, the
small sized not bein large enough for my
purposes. Then got a lot of African beans
and some hollow reeds and some sticky
clay. set the beans a-cookin and put the
reeds into little hole made in top of the
cooker. invited the witch doctor in and
told him this was some of my new vapor-
lied atmospheric air and told him to put
his mouth 10 the reeds and suck some in.
You know, If you have studied chemistry,
that beans are highly charged with gas
especially is this true of the genuwine
African bean.
"Well, sir, that old chap swallowed a lot
Of gas, and quicker than wink Ugogina
and knocked him over and plastered his
nose and mouth up with clay, and Pm a
dummed liar if that gas didn't float that
old TELLER right up in the air clear out Of
sight. You see he was remarkably capa-
cious, and the gas was remarkably strong
remarkably strong. stood there In front
Of the people when he was f1oatin in the
could set 'em all foatin.. They were scared;