Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-08-03
Lot Us All Laugh.


WHEN engineers and trainmen are
we'll trained the locomotive goes off
on a toot --Picayune.
No MATTER how cheap qulnine may
be 1t is always q drug on the market.
Chicago Inter Ocean.
THE ice man now calls every morn.
ing at the home of the coal man and
does him up. Dallas News.
POLICE officers in hoodlum districts
naturally expect to have many tough
experience. Buffalo Courier.
WHEN a mercantile concern stakes
in sailo it is in the interest Of the
balance-sheet. Lowell Courier.
IT is highly probable that the times
which tried mems souls found some
of them guilty. Buffalo Courier.
A REGULARITY about it is that
when money is tight it's business
that's apt to stagger Philadelphia
Times.
The restaurateurs at the Column
bian Exposition seem to think that
fair exchange is no robbery. Indian
apolis News,
WITH reference to these shows 1t
may be said a dogs ancestral tree
cannot be told by its bark. -Phila-
delphia Times.
THE man who knows that he was
one kind of a fool yesterday often has
suspicion that he is some other
kind to-day. Rams Horn.
Mrs. SLnlDIET.-"Don't you find 1t
little lonesome sitting down to
luncheon all alone?" Bordaire.-"Oh,
no, the cheese is here. Truth.
The women In an insane asylum
look, somehow, like the women you
meet at home with church enter
tainment on their hands. --Atchlson
Globe.
"PooR Mrs. Chatter is all worn out
from talking last night" did she
lecturer" ooh, no; it was a whist
party she attended. "-Chicago Inter
Ocean
THE government Of Russia has ex-
cluded "Uncle Toms Cabin" from the
theaters oil that country, yet they call
it despotic and inconsiderate. --Phlla-
delphia Ledger.
"WHAr makes Swiggins such an
unreasonable liar?" "Stinginess
lie has as many facts as anybody,
but he hates to give them out. -
Chicago Tribune.
The mosquito-pest season seems to
have reached Boston, when a clergy
man preached a sermon the other day
on "The Bigness Of Little Things. -
Philadelphia Ledger
WHEN man considers how easy he
finds 1t to lend money, he cannot help
wondering sometimes that he finds 1t
so hard to get anybody else to lend
money to him. Texas Siftings.
Music TEAcHER-"I don't know
why you are displeased. Your daugh.
ter really sings very we'll" Father
ayes; but how is it that she never
sings anything but soprano. "-Schalk.
Brown seems wide awake
enough when at his business, but at
home he is fearfully absent-minded. +"
Wicks--"But then his wife has a
mind of her own, and 1t is quite un-
necessary that he should take his
home with him. boston Courier
A PRIVATE soldier, walking arm
in-arm with his sweetheart, met his
sergeant when about to enter cheap
restaurant. He respectfully intro
duced her to him: Sergeant, my sis
teri" Eyes, yes" was the reply. II
know; she was mine once. lie Lit
toral.
THE ELDER-I noticed that Mrs.
Van Vests father died the other day
and left her lot of land out in Da-
kota. / suppose she will separate
from Van West now. The younger
Separate? Why SOP The elder
She will have very good grounds for
a divorce, you see.-Brooklyn Life.
"LooK at me, ma'am," said the
man who was asking for something
to eat. "Ain't / the picture OF
despair?" Il don't know anything
about yer bein' a picture, she an
swered, glanciny at the AK; "but I'M
less you're in the wood-cut line you
can't get anything to eat here. p
Washington Star.
THE conversation turned on the
number thirteen, the splitting of salt,
knives and forks placed crosswise,
and other kinds of superstitions.
"YOu need not laugh at similar be-
liefs," gravely remarked Tranquil
letti. San uncle Of mine at the age
of II committed the imprudence OF
going to dinner at which the guests
numbered thirteen. "And he died
that very EVENING"" mo, but ex-
actly thirteen years afterward. p
Gazetta Pledmontese.
EYES, ! may take few summer
bcarders this year, replied the old |
after asking for a pound of |
reg'lar saleratus, "but I'm goin' to
hev fair understandin' In the out
set" about WHAT" wall, princi-
pally as to butter'n' eggs and cream
and such, but particularly as to
;leepin'. We took an artist from
New York last summer who upset