The Van Buren press., 1893-12-23
AFTER A COMBINATION.
Plenty of Flies About but None on the @
Man,

/
Plenty of Flies About hut None on the Old
i Man.
His back was bumped up, his knees
badly sprung, and there was squeak
in his voice as he fondly smoothed
down his long goatee and inquired:
stranger, could you tell that I'd
jest paid fifty cents to hev these whis-
kers dyed. just stand off and squint
at 'em, an gimme an honest answer"
YES could tell that they had been
dyed" replied.
$50 could l, but that's all right Got
my ha'r dyed at the same time. How
old would you take me to be?'
"Well," about fifty.
THAT was my objeck-to deceive the
public in gineral and the Widder Spicer
In pertickler. Pm seventy-two years
old"
"You have an object then?" / asked.
II hev. I'm goin' to git married.
"Nor'
'That is, if the widder fills the bill.
I'm goin' down to Skinnersville to-day
to see her. If she fills the bill, she's
my jaybird to love and cherish; if she
don't, she's somebody else's jaybird.
What dye think of an old chap of sew
enty-two shin'in up to widder of
twenty-eight
"Such matches generally bring trou-
ble."
"Yes, s'pose they do, and the old
chaps are ginerally to blame fur it. I
left all the children cryin' around, and
the last thing my Oldest gal said was
that I'd be fnanshully wrecked in
three months. All of 'em fgger that
the widder is after my money and
that she'll make the dollars fly like
feathers"
''But you don't think sop
mot this evenin', stranger. When
a widder picks this old mossback up
fur fat she's bound to git left. had
farm, but I've put it outer my hands.
had hired girl doin' the work, but
I've let her go. had three cows to
milk, and I've bought two more"
"The widow will have plenty of work,
eh?'
"More'n a hundred pounds Of carpet
rags waitin to be sewed" whispered
the old man as he drew down his eye
'Seven of us to cook, wash and mend
fur. Cellar hain't bin whitewashed
fur three years, and all the house has
got to be cleaned. I've throwed the
we'll pump away and gone back to q
rope and bucket, and it's comm on
time to dry pumpkins, smoke meat
and pick the geese"
''She wont't have much Of honey
MOON" suggested.
''Bridle tower is goin' to be Jest eight
miles long!' he said, as he winked the
other eye. I've got it all planned and
the cost is dollar and half. I've al
ready bought her ten yards of calilxer
and a two dollar pair of shoes, and she
can't hev no excuse to run to the store
fur a year. The only money shall hev
about the house is this fifty-cent piece
with hole in it. Stranger, look me
all over as turn around"
whats the idea?'
"To see If any flies hev lit on me
while we've bin talkin'."
mo, Idon't see any"
II didn't much 'spect you would.
Thar wasn't any on me when ! left
home, though I'm 70 years old, and
thar won't be any on me when stand
before that widder and offer her my
heart and hand. Think Of them chill
dren takin' on because that widder
Is goin' to wreck me inside of three
months, and then think Of the wilder
tryin' it on mel Say, stranger"
"Well?"
"Jest one word more. I've got seven
hogs in the pen up home, and I'll bet
the hull of 'em agin dollar that in
stead of the widder wreckin' me I'll
borrow her last shillin' to pay fur get
tin my ha'r and whiskers dyed up an
to fix the preacher who marries us.
The children don't know me. I'm a.
gettin' wife, hired man, hired gal
sewin' woman an mother fur 'em all
combined in one, and don't actually
believe the hull expense will amount
10 over three dollars. Thar is moss in
the woods around here, stranger, but
none CROWN on my spinal column.
Thar is flies a-fyin' about this depot
but you jest notice that none of 'em
stop to light on the undersigned!-.
Detroit Free Press.
How an Elephant FIRhtA