The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1893-09-11
A CHARACTER SKETCH.
The Man Whose Rheumatism is His
Profession.


Profession.
From the New York Tribune.
Hiram Belcher was q business man.
His business was rheumatism, and he at
tended to his business night and day.
He loved his bushes, and gave himself
up to it with a devotion and a zeal that
was beautiful and blessed to see
Some men are destined TO sway listen
ing senates; although all the seuates /
ever saw never swayed and never listened
Some men are born to be leaders Of men
and are pretty sure, sooner or later, to
occupy the Presidential chair, if they hap
pen to live in a pivotal state, and have
sufficiently prOuunccd convictions on all
sides of the tariff question. Some men
are born to wade through slaughter to n
throne, although thrones are rather risky
investments these years, and l would not
advise man to wade very far for one,
if the wading is very deep. Some men are
| born for mighty inventions which revO-
luuonize the industries of the world
and lot some other fellow get the patent
rights Some men are born to write
epics-and the character of their epics
hardcns us in the conviction that they
| Ought TO be born again. Some men are
born for fame, some for wealth, and some
/ for true greatness. But Hiram Belcher
was born for none of these things. lie
was born for rheumatism. He was dedi-
/ Gated and predestined to rheumatism be-
fore the world was. He was a rheumatic
by profession.
Hiram lived in the village of Naxhall,
/ and all NaXhall was kept faithfully in
/ formed by Hiram himself in regard TO his
rheumatism. AS Hiram never talked
| about any other subject, he made n soil
& her q ne
out of solitude. He always carried it
| with him
Whenever you saw the people of Max
hall scattering to right and left and run
ming, as the ancient Pompciians ran
away from Vesuvius, YOU might know
| that Hiram was coming down the street,
| seeking some one to whom to expound
rheumatism, and minutely describe the
| thirty-seven different pains in his thirty
seven different Joints for thirtysgyen
| different years.
Hiram probably has the largest stock
of rheumatism "reminiscences Of any man
in the country. He has peculiar method
| of remembering the great events of mod
ern history. Gen. Scott captured the City
/ of Mexico the day "the roOmatil went
| from ankle up into my right knee lint"
! President Lincoln issued his emancipa-
! ton proclamation 'the day | was laid up
/ WIN LCNiiub w III INV lt'Ii NtBbNs uu UP an
/ down my left side, with ketchin pains in
my finger jints.' il it had not been for
/ those 'ketChin' pains Hiram would not
/ have remembered about the emancipation
| proclamation at all. He recalls the cen
tenuial from the fact that during that
| year the "roomatiz got into my toes an
! peStcred me in ten dif'rUnt jints at once ~
Naxhall is a village with aspira tiOns.
| 1t has q village improvement society. and
of ltf Ia
| delegated to visit Hiram and try to lift
| his mind to higher things. He was in
structod to get Hiram s mind off his Theu-
matism and interested in social, literary
and Bthetic objects,
Good morning. Hiram said the pres
ident, as he called upon him in the pros
ecution Of his missionary errand; it's a
beautiful morning"
mo. faint nothin' of the sort. said
Hiram. There's d dampness in the air
| that starts the rOOmotiz to pesterin' in
my left laig, an kinder jumpin' an
rarin' an tearin' rOun' through my knee
/ iints. Yer see, fust it takes me one side
| knee iint-n
| But Hiram, Icame down To-"
AN then it takes me the other side
| the knee iinU, an then it kinder settles
down in tine middleoand then it kinder
wallops an arouu' the lint 10 wuncc An
! ,
back an forth criss-crOss, an up an
down, an sideways, an eendways, an
both ways together. It's a good deal
| like the roOmatiz / had in the spring of
1857. Yer sec
But, Hiram, came down"
oyer see, this roomatiz l he'd in the
! spring of 1857 took me in the shoulder.
| II wuz jest this wayZIll try and tell it
| les as it wuz, for in dealin with the
/ -
| begun up in the top corner of my Shout
| der, an then gradually spread acrosst,
/ dodgin' out an in cross roads ever once
| in q while, an fust on the top side Of the
| shoulder blade, an then on the under
| side, an then through the middle, an
| then
But, Hiram, ] came to see if you
wouldn't join our Village improvement
Society"
wall now, I don't 'bleeve your Prove
ment Society will improve my roOmatt2
none. I've tried ev'ry kin er remedy
there is, guess. But don't git no bet
ter. I've kerlied a horse chestnut in my
pocket for the past thirty year, an Bill
Peasley SEE if III on'y kerry it twenty
year longer it'll cure me. sure. Jim
Fletcher toll me to drink dandelion tea
w en- the moon is in the last quarter. in
the month of August. But as August
uOn I come Duu once year, any way, an
as the moon hat the time don't hey no
last quarter then, an as there amt no
dandelions in August, no how, l don S
seem to get much better. Sim Barstow
recommended
But, Hiram, l came down"
''As l was sayin,' Sim BGrstow recon-
mended sea bathin'. But as there amt
no seas anyWhc ar0un' here for two or
three hundred although Sim said
! there wuz a fust class ocean, in fact one
er the best oceans he ever seed. down
roun' Boston-but as / can't afford to
make NaXhau intoa seaport. the ocean
roun' Boston, if il was the best ocean in
| the worl won't never do me no good
Chef Bascom' toll me that"
But, Hiram, I came down
"Chet Bascom-yOu know Chef the
longIaig-ed fellow thet works for Widow
M -llen-wall, Chot toll me tibet a eagles
breastboue wore aroun' yer neck would
cure the hardes' case er roomatiz in two
weeks-pervided yer didn't kill the eagle
in takin' out the bone Wall, / can't
ketch an OK team with these roomatics
W on ire p0yuit7' lords mo am bo,u ay,