St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-04-23

never saw more sympathetic people, AS l
was bordering on the kindness OF the human
race in general and church choirs i'll particu-
lar, he was taken awfully bad, and came
down on those longsufferng keys with
bang that almost frightened me out OF my
church manners and made my mustache
droop dolefuly. At the same time
that sympathetic choir let out a
wild yell of soprano strongly mixed
with alto, and kept it up for fully five min
utes. BY that time the tenors were brought
to a realization of their duty and Joined H.
The others were so tired that they dropped
off one by one. until only solitary screecher
was left. But the rest caught their breath,
braced up, helped him on the final line, ana
then ali thankfully sang Amen" i'll style
that would have done credit to dog kennel.
l expected to see an ambulance outside, and
that organist making a straight line for
hospital for incurables. Instead OF which
actually heard him inquiring of several men,
bers of the congregation if they didn't think
the mornings music was exceptionally fine.
Brave man, thus to hide his dreadful suffer
ing from the vulgar mob.
-
In my excitement over that suffering or
ganlst almost forgot to listen TO the ser
mon. The only thing can distinctly re-
member is an illustration the preacher gave
of the uncertainty of this wicked life and
how we should ever be prepared for sudden
departure. He said he knew of five young
men wicked creatures) who read vile novels.
such as 'Old Hundred Scalps, or Thousand
Buckets of Blood" cowboy JIM or The
Red Handed Thief" and other bold, bad
books of like character, smoked cigarettes,
drank pop and ginger ale. had pictures of
actresses in their rooms, and otherwise spent
their time in riotous living. After one nights
spree, when q particularly large amount OF
cigarettes had been smoked pop drank. etc..
they retired impiously and uproariously to
bed. Now for the dreadful sequel, in the
preachers own words: "In the morning,
when they awoke, they found themselves
dead corpses." There is something weird
and awful about finding dead corpse,
and have since mended my ways. never
could bear dead people, aud to awake and
find my own ghost would be altogether too
dreadful. daren't mention the nationality
of this eminent divine.
-
ASH was coming home from evening serv-
ice met a man-whom knew was a pillar
in one of our churches-sauntering down the
street with tin bucket in his hand. white
foam covered the something in the tin
bucket. and l don't imagine it would take
Minneapolis lawyer very long to surmise what
the aforesaid something was. After that
sermon 1 could only look upon this degraded
being with eyes of horror and wish had one
of Bob Ingersoll's temserance tracts to bestow
on so irreligious and misguided an individ-
ual. In the opposite direction came a we'll
known believer IN temperance, who had
charge of O church once. 1 stepped into
doorway to await the collision. But my
knight of the tin bucket was quite equal to
the occasion. After seeing that the enemy
was fairly upon him and no possible avenue
of escape was open, he put his hand-and
the bucket-under his coat tails and saunt-
cred leisurely towards the protector of. his
soul Of course he dare not see the hand
that was stretched out TO greet him. The ex-
minister talked and talked; he got so inter
ested in his discourse that he would shift
about considerably. but wherever he went
the knight of the tin bucket always pre-
scented brave front; he dared not even eX-
rose his side. and 10 one can say that he
turned his back to the enemy that night.
Round and round they went and could see
q look of regret and despair gradually DER
spread the countenance Of the knight.
felt sure he realized how stale and fiat the
foaming beverage was becoming, and how
steadily the foam must be disapp caring.
What did he care about pew rents and
hymnals when the bead was steadily going,
going gone? 1t would look strange and
crab-iike if he backed away, and any other
mode of retirement would end in discovery.
So there he must stay and listen smilingly to
his shepherd or lose his reputation as saint.
Then his nose began to itch. | knew
from the symptoms he exhibited just
what he was undergoing. He could
not let go the pail with either hand, his elbow
cramped and his fingers became stiff Still
he would have stood it like martyr, but for
that unlucky sneeze. Ha chew! ha cheei
he went and Involuntary his hand flew UP
and the pail flew down. and the owner few
straight for home. Without a backward
glance he fed on and on, Why should he
look back He understood that he was con-
sidered lost sinner, and could imagine the
Mortified look upon the preachers classic
features. AS the distance between the horri-
fed preacher and the legitimate owner of the
"growler'' increased. the glare of outraged
dignity gradually disappeared. aud mild
look of qualification settled like sunshine DER
the preachers meek countenance. the last
saw of him he was trotting zig zaggedly for
the pail slowed snugly away beneath his
vest.
Have you ever picked up hymnal in a
strange pew? The first one 1 opened, said
From Nellie to John" in the center of the
fly-eaf 1t was surrounded with collection
Of pencil tracks, some of which read thusly:
isn't that N. P. with D. B.?' Look at
that awful hat" RED roses, and her hus-
band only dead year." Such frivolous texts
took my mind from the service, SO laid that
book aside and took another. Worse and
worse. The first thing 1 saw was'Tf you can't
stop looking at that girl we will go home"
"Beastly hungry, aren't your etc. What a
convenience a lead pencil and a hymnaI
must be 10 some people. l was dis
turbed before 1 had time to investigate
further by Cyclone striking the nape of
my neck big fat woman IN a sealskin
coat was seated behind me. and she looked
very warm. She landed the prayers into my
right ear famed the hymns into my left ear,
famed the Bible reading down my back and
the sermon down my throat. l stood up
when she sat down. and sat down when she
stood up. but there was no escape for me;
that breeze caught me wherever went and
1 wonder 1 didn't catch diphtheria Or re-
igion. Wouldn't it be well 10 seat ali the
cold people in one part of the church and all
the warm ones in another? 1t is very trying
to SIT in front of a woman with fan If you
have bald head or haven't been able to get
your winter shirts away from your uncle.
~
One poor female was placed in very en-
barrassing position when the contribution
plate went around. with the assistance Of
gentleman. Her hands were warm and her
gloves damp. AS she reached forward to
drop her modest offering i'll without undue
ostentstion, her gloves stuck to the center of
the plate as she drew it back, with innumer-
able dimes nickels and pennies sticking to
her hand. and yes. l am sure could not have
been mistaken, there was actually quarter
sticking to one embarrassed finger. With
very red face and the help of an usher she
returned her illgotten gains and tried to
look almost too innocent.
AS | went into the church heard one little
girl ask her mamma if she did not intend to
knock or ring the door bell. The same pre-