St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-04-16

Ills arrival was conceited enough TO I'M
agine was of considerable importance in
this family. What curious mistakes the best
of us can make. l now find that l am not
worthy of notice. having been snubhed right
snd left until feel about two feet high and
as thin as postage stamp. There seems to
be no quiet spot in the entire house where
the unfortunate pa" of this fortunate and
interesting phenomenon could crawl off and
die comfortably. No, l have become con-
WINGED that l would be rudeiy poked out of
my coffin to run for soothing syrup or hot
water if | attempted such an inconsiderate
performance as leaving this transitory life.
so l might as well stop practicing on the
harp and take to a banjo.
The whole place seems filled with babies,
grandmothers and aunts, who are very ag-
gTessive and consequential. put it mildly
for fear their feelings should be hurt and
they might retire il body, leaving the in
FAINT on my hands. The very thought of such
a catastrophe makes my blood CONCEAL like
Vaseline, and will eat any amount of "hum-
bic pie, humble porridge or any other kind
of humility rather than be deserted. am so
utterly ignored that l feel as foolish as | did
at my own wedding. A man is entirely out
of his sphere at wedding. felt like chas-
Using myself for indulgiug in a bTand-new
fifteen-dollar suit, made to order (for some
one else), when might just as well have
been led to the slaughter in overails for all
the attention l received. In fact, l am GER
tain my absence would not have been no.
ticed, and the next time get married l in
tend remaining quietly at bone smoking my
pipe until guests get tired of looking at The
bride. Perhaps, then. will not be such
POmulafn DOuantitv w 1T comes lime tn
check trunks ana pay bills.
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Every available place is occupied by blank
cts. bottles baskets. socks and cradles.
Judging from the number of times l have
stumbled over a cradle in a single night
while wandering around in the dark looking
for a match to light an alcohol lamp, which
l am sure never existed except in my wife's
Imagination, l should estimate the number
of cradles that this precocious infant occu-
pies in one night to be ABOUT ten. If mis-
taken, 1 am always willing to be corrected,
have given yon my reason for that calcula-
ton; you probably will not believe it, no
one ever does believe about some one else's
baby. but know a few old bachelor friends
who will not only believe anything which l
assert about this infant, but will also extend
their heartiest sympathy to me in these my
days and nlghtS-ot trial.
-
few days since was instructed to fill
rubber bag with hot water and place beside
the child. In following out the instructions
l had received l very nearly lost my life
through the ferocity of the female portion of
my family. In spite of any number of hair
pulling bees, or any amount of scorn heaped
upon my devoted bald head, to my dying day
tI0o tofA bo
cork in. and appeal to other martyrized
pas TO know If should be blamed because
the stoppIe came out and early drowned the
infant The infant did not seem 10 mind
much; it floated placidly around until res
cued. But it takes woman to make your
life miserable harping upon what might
have BEEN"
seemed to have no rights at all. After
having been badgered about from pillar to
post until life seemed hardly worth living a
brilliant idea entered my befuddled cranium.
l would sneak quietly up into the attic, re-
view statistics and count myself to see if
still remained intact.
felt convinced that had been reduced to
mere handful OF bones and tallow; if my
poor little brain was examined ''baby''
would be found written all over it. Surely l
would be safely left alone i'll the attic, for
what could the enterprisiug infant
want in an attic? 1 had just settled
myself quietly, not comfortably, on
collection of old hats and tin pals. wife's
dress spread over fly trap for pillow, and
was beginning to feel more cheerful and
fatter myself maybe there was a spot on
earth where could rest in peace; even if it
was at the top of the house l would not COM
r1oiy hot
looming up over the balustrade but the top
knot of that blooming infant. Isprang up
with Wild yell-supposed had been drink
ing unconsciously. Alas 1t was net dream;
the infant found something mpathetic i'll
my yell and Immediately joined in with
yell that would be q credit 10 Zulu, and
convinced me tina: 1t had borrowed the
screaming apparatus of oil the babies in the
neighborhood.
prepared to pack my thoughts. and take
them to the attic, but first l must ascertain
why sit entertained the idea of taking up
its future residence in the attic l boldly
began Ihusly "What does it want in the
attic 90 Oh fatal mistake! Hardly had the
word ''ti left my 6x4 mouth. ere l had such
a hot look of scorn cast upon me that it
shriveIed my flesh upon nv bones. and
| singed my hair. Nevertheless 1 stood my
ground boldly, and awaited an answer. 1
must have some definite grounds to reason
upon. or should expect to be driven from
my Office any day because the baby wanted
my desk for a baby basket or a powder box
And | wanted TO feel sure that my three
legged STOOL would be safe from annexation.
The nurse drew herself up until she looked
about twelve feet high, and scornfully
| replied, do you mean the baby by it 30
| Having assured her that l did, but
meant no harm, she continued, "SuIe the
ignorance of the man, dontye know that the
blessed cherub must go up stairs before he
goes down, so he will always 90 up in loife.''
| / felt smaller thon ever. What wOeful gross
objectionable ignorance on my part to have
been entirely unconscious of this stupendous
fact But there are extenuating circum-
| stances to be considered. Ny education
| must have been sadly neglected. had gone
| through Yale, but think as hard as l will l
cannot recollect a single professor ex-
| planning TO me the necessity of carry
| ing an infant up s.airs before it
went down stairs. Now 1 call that
wanton neglect of duty on the part of those
| ignorant professors, who think themselves
! so clever because they speak three or four
dead languages. Why. if that constitutes
learning 1 can vouch for the learning of our
baby. He speaks two dead languages and
| one that has never been born at all. He
| makes night hideous. and then sleeps like an
! angel all day, and l am not allowed to open
| my mouth for fear of disturbing his slumber.
Why can't they put his tongue under re-
| strictions at night? The man who invents a
! device TO hold an infants mouth closed at
night will have more blessings showered
upon him than the worthy gentleman who
| invented pretzels. E. II. R.