The Newtown bee., 1893-09-22
Did You Ever Hear Of Such An Unprecedented Crop Of ~
 -t.,.Ia s,.ss ttss-ta,.,i a.l.rs ..t. .. Statesmen

outside the halls of Congress as we are pro ducing this year? It's wonderful and at the same time it's cruel the way these great minds have silently. suffered and lain dormant all these many years, just because we have had like the present to bring them out. Now you meet acquaintance on board 8 railroad train and the first thing he does, after the us
 ual exchange ot weather signals and forecasts, is to entertain you with his ideas upon the
 silver question and the tariff, national banks.
 immigration. He summarizes all the finan- cial troubles of this and other countries from the landing of Columbus down. He explains the technical phraseology ot congressional terms B1metal1sm, monOmetalism, demoni- tiZation, coinage of the seigniority, parity ot
 metals, subsidiary coinage and the hundred and one words and phrases unfamiliar to the
 layman's ear are dissected, torn to pieces and analysed before you until you are made
 speeches. with awe. He has made such an
 impression upon you that if he should under
 take to prove that in some sections of the
 country water naturally runs up hill and min-
 ] refute it it. You feel m in i his presence ~ ike 2
 broken legged mouse in the cage of the
 Numidian lion and while the train is passing
 your station he is smothering you with a
 mass Ot carefully gathered statistics concern
 ing the output and the coinage, the increase
 here and the decrease there, the ratio ot Is to
 l, the merchantable and the monetary value
 of gold and silver in every nation under the
 sun rom King Solomon's time down to the
 present, until when you leave him at the next
 station and mechanically start to walk back,
 you wonder that the world has not ceased tt,
 exist dong. ago. You have heard so much
 and grasped so little you are completely
 dazed. szYou don't know whether you are a
 mushroom or a. toadstool, a man or a wooden
 Indian on wheels, whether you have really
 never been endowed with sound reasoning
 powers like your fellow man, or W neither you
 have suffered a stroke of paralysis or been
 drinking. The newspapers are filled with let
 and Nehemiah BioWhard. but we have looked
 ill vain for any brilliant effusion from Flaw
 leyyIle Now this is too bad, If statesmen'
 are in demand we want to walk mp nanfully
 and furnish our quOta.t We want to have
 something said and done that will bring Haw leyville into national repuGe. Imbued with this spirit and filled with valuable informa ton and pointers ingeniously extracted from our friends during the last few days, we sat down this morning to write and make public a few ideas that we thought would astonish the world and indirectly put end to it's l senseless panic, but we fortunately or untor.
 u1nns of a few of our city and country news papers and we find thattwe are. way be- 1 edition of Rip Van Winkle, so to speak. | A mossback, regular old fossil. A let ! us now would be as worthless and untimely as a governors pardon the second day after
 the hanging. All our strictly original ideas l came too late The soap man who retalls 8 quart of liq quid dirt-destroyer for cents, tour for quarter, has used his quarter column and I addressed an open letter to President Cleve- land, in which he states very clearly and con cisely just where the present financial trouble | started, whaU's the remedy, and how to avoid Bohemian pickle man tells how the ratio o1 l Is to will affect the future prosperity Of the country, SLunb bnb SEOWLn or ulate the aroma of onions far beyond normal ltor picking purposes, and bring premature gray hairs in sorrow into the workingman s bread and butter, etc. The four man, the tuT- | niture man, the clothes pin man, and the shoe tInan, are not to be outdone, and they have ad- I dressed open letters to Cleveland to his cabi- net, and even Mrs Cleveland and Baby Ruth i Every point that requires deep thought has l been covered by these men, and our high hopes and ambitions settle down, down away l below. the freezing point If you was ever a Ch1naman and had your queue cut off and lost caste among your countrymen, you know 1 about how a fellow feels when his hard earned statesmanship is taken from him. There to quietly suffer martyrlom and keep right on selling furniture at Hawleyville, but perhaps dear reader, you don't know where Hawley- vile is. Well, if you go anywhere from any I where, on the cars, you have to go through Hawleyvil1e and an admirable system of con lnections compels you to wait there an hou1 or two or go the rest of the way on foot. flaw, Ileyyille is big place for small one, it's the home of BAKERS Furniture establishment and the birth place and nursery ground of the lnew religion, the -Four Fold Gospel.1 The
 little Jordan rolls through it to the north til. its consecrated waters mingle with the noble Housatonfc. OuI great north frog ponds produce more pollywogs and bigger snappine turtles than any other place, excepting ol course Lake Kenosha We are fairly cut out on Statesmanship, but we are right in 1t or Ipol1ywogs, turtles, the new gospel, and furni l ture. some ot these things you can't find ir the city at any price, and they tell WI have | lots of novelties in the furniture line thad don't hit some of the cities until after we gel the second edition. Come and look us over