The gold leaf. [volume] (Henderson, N.C.) 1881-1911, 1893-08-24
GCOnducted by F. II. Ros ossiter, Secretary
Henderson Y. NJ, T.. Al

souls salvation at once; that if it were
possible ] would make my peace with
God. But as 1 was very busy in the
affairs of the Office, l knew that with
out great firmness of purpose, should
never eAectually attend to the subject.
l therefore, then and there resolved,
as far as possible, to avoid all busi-
ness, and everything that would di-
vert my attention, and to give myself
wholly to the work of securing the
the salvation of my soul. l carried
this resolution into execution as sternly
and thoroughly as could. I was,
however, obliged to be good deal in
the Office. But as the providence of
God would have it, was not much
occupied either on Monday or Tues
day; and had opportunity to read my
Bible and engage in prayer most OF
the time.
But was very proud without know
ing it. l had supposed that l had
not much regard for the opinions of
others, whether they thought this or
that in regard to myself; and 1 had in
fact been quite singular in attending
prayer meetings, and in the degree of
attention that 1 had paid to religion,
while in Adams. In this respect
had been so singular as to lead the
church at times to think that 1 must
be an anxious enquirer. But l found,
when l came to face the question, that
I was very unwilling to have any one
know that was seeking the salvation
of my soul. When prayed 1 would
only whisper my prayer, after having
stopped the keyhole to the door, lest
some one should discover that l was
engaged in prayer. Before that time
| had my Bible lying on the table
with the law books; and it never had
occurred to me to be ashamed of read
ing it, any more than I should be
ashamed of being found reading any
of my other books.
But after l had addressed myself in
earnest to the subject of my own SAL
vution, l kept my Bible, as much as
could, out of sight. If was reading
it when anybody came in, would
throw my law books upon it, to create
the impression that l had not had it
in my hand. Instead of being out
spoken and willing to talk to anybody
and everybody on the subject as be-
fore, l found myself unwilling to con-
verse with anybody. 1 did not want
to see my minister, because l cid not
want to let him know how l felt, and
l had no confidence that he would
understand my case, and give me the
direction that l needed. For the
same reasons l avoided conversation
with the elders of the church, or with
any of the Christian people. l was
ashamed to let them know how l felt,
on the one hand; and on the other 1
was afraid they would misdirect me.
I felt myself shut up to the Bible.
During Monday and Tuesday my
convictions increased but still it
seemed as if my heart grew harder.
could not shed a tear; l could not
pray. 1 had no opportunity to pray
above my breath; and frequently
felt, that if I could be alone where
could use my voice and let myself out,
l should find relief in prayer. 1 was
shy, and avoided, as much as l could,
speaking to anybody on any subject.
l endeavored, however, to do this in a
way that would excite no suspicion,
on any mind that l was seeking the
salvation of my soul.
Tuesday night l had become very
nervous; and in the night strange
feeling came over me as if l was about
to die. 1 knew that if l did l should
sink down to hell; but quieted my
self as best l could until morning. AT
an early hour l started for the office.
But just before l arrived at the Office,
something seemed to confront me
with questions like these: indeed, i,
seemed as if the inquiry was within
mvself, as if an inward voice
said to me, "what are you wait
ing for! Did you not promise to give
your heart to God? And what are
you trying to do2 Are you endeav
oring to work out righteousness o
your own9"
Just at this point the whole question
of Gospel salvation opened to m,
mind in a manner most marvellous t
me at the time. l then saw, as clearly
as l ever have in my life, the reality
and fulness Of the atonement of Chri st
| saw that his work was finishe,
work; and that instead OF having, O
needing, any righteousness of my O vi
to recommend me to God, I had S t
submit myself to the Righteousness c
God through Christ. Gospel saliva
ton seemed to me to be an offer o
something to be accepted; and that i
was full and complete; and that al
that was necessary on my part, was t
get my own consent to give up N,
sins, and accept Christ. Salvation,
seemed to me, instead of being thinl
to be wrought out, by my own works
was a thing to be found entirely il
the Lord Jesus Christ, who presente
himself before me as my God an
Savior.
Without being distinctly aware {
it, had stopped in the street rigt
where the inward voice seemed to al
. rest me. How long l remained i
that position cannot say. But afte
this distinct revelation had stood f