St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-01-22
SOME WOMAN GOSSIP.
The Effect on Dear Nerves of
stage WeapOns.

| The Effect on Dear Nerves Of
Stage Weapons.
If there is one thing to which a woman
bears a greater antipathy than mouse,
! it is a pistol. When | compose myself
to serious thought, L feel forced to admit
that any sensible woman would rather
| prefer meeting The III .uSe-if it wasn't
very big or frrocioa-, bat just-a nice,
! innocent-a appearing Indie uae. Why
| will men write dramas with Il pistol Tor
the leading attraction i'll one OF the
! scenes?
Now a gun is of respectable size,
and you can watch that, but hOrrid
little interfering pistol is always pop
ping out of unexpected places and
frightening timid people into fits.
Why can't the stage hero stick to
swords, daggers or butcher knives?
They don't make any noise. If gore is
what the actors are after, they could
make scene much blOodIer and
more heart-rending with a knife.
might suggest that the stabbed wear
patent nutmeg CRATER in his pocket,
ana if the ''Stabber" would practice
staObing until he got it down to science,
he could make his sword glide along
the CRATER III q manner that would Sug-
geSt SD inferred TIbsand broken bones:
think how thrilling! If that WON'T
answer the purpose. | am sure some
woman will undertake TO invent noise
less Internal machine. that will take the
place Of the shrleK-proYOklng pistol Ill
the heart of the gallery god.
When you are sitting beside your
yOnng man, dressed in your society
smile and Sunday clothes, thinking how
much pretticr you look than the woman
who has the seat in front of you, just
as you turn to whisper something very
interesting in the said young mans ear,
bang! bang! goes that nOrrld stage piS-
tot, the villain falls beside the tainting
heroine, aud you slowly recover from
SDasm OF fright to tind that you have
Jumped a foot i'll the air. diSOrdered
your front hair by knocking your
nat over your nose, smashed the
opera glassts-Which had been hired
and. instead of whispering, your last
words were flung at him in a wild yell,
probably inherited from your Chippewa
ancestors. You become painfully APP
prehenSIYe that your nelghDOrS have
heard that which was Intended for his
ears alone. Imagine Shrieking out
before large audience that
you think him handSOIner than
the hero" Every one stareS at
you and a few f1inty-hearted baIdneads
| III the front row are kind enough to
smile. The woman in front of you, who
has seen the play before anu knows
Just when to cling to her seat and brace
herself for the shock, looks at you in
such a calmly superior manner that you
feel mean enough to pull the hairplns
out OF her back hair the next time the
lights are turned low.
went to the theater last week
never minG what play; 1 do not wish to
destroy their business. After had be-
come comfortably seated, and setetd
my tiOunceS and ribbons to my SatlStac-
ton. and was about to open an amable
conversation about the charming Min
uesota breeZes, with the animated
cigarette holder by my side,
chill crept slowly down my back
bone, and | shivered as L dimly
remembered having heard or read the
synopsis of this same play. And III one
part of it some one shoots some one else.
| knew my hat and hair were not Sc
cared against acrobatic featS, and be-
! gan to get horribly nervous. my heart
would sink into my new No. shoes
| then Jump up into my throat with such
rapidIty that l began to feel pathway
| being worn through my lungs.
| I only took a good breath when the
| curtain was down. and watched the
| play as if my life depended on not los
| ing a single movement OF any OF the ac
| tors. My escort noticing how interested
l was became nightly pleased with
! himself for giving me SO much pleas
| ure, and whispered, Il didn't know you
! were SO fond of this sort of thing; we
! will come often" L would have with
| cred that Wretched boy had l dared
! take M eyes off the stage long enough
to look the Indignation felt.
O.
The stage woman usually cOncealS
stolen property, DISCUSSES. kidnapped
| children. knives, pistols or almost any
thing that the play requires in her
bosom. Knowing this, would let my
hands fly wildly up TO my ears every
time an actress made a motion toward
her bosom. or an actor toward his
pocket, and | nearly broke my ear
drum sticking my fingers i'll too far.
After had performed in this remark
able manner through two acts, my es-
cOTt began to get uneasy. ana solicit
ously inquired if Il felt ILL.," Being too
great a coward to acknowledge that
was a coward, replied: 81 am subject
to earache." AS l turned to tell this lie
it brought its own punishment. Pop!
bang. went that Internal pistol, with
the usual result, and l was left
in state of nervous collapse
with the pleasant knowledge that
! | had made q complete fool of my
self That foolish young man was mean
enough to laugh, and what said to him
! do not know nOr care to Know, but it
must have been something severely
awful. for we are notion speaking terms
at present. Hereafter l shall stick to
| fourteenth century tragedies and
| Humpty DGmpty SHOWS. Now you will
| understand why some women appear SO
| particular about their earrings and
! bonnet strings at the theater. Poor
things! They are in constant dread of
| pistols and want their fingers near their
| ears in case OF emergency. E. Il. Z.