Morning journal and courier., 1893-03-31
LIFE IN TTs VARIOUS PHASES.

4 cSc- AAcAc NOh 30 many tlas uDQGT-
stand dyou.n-Washington Star.
LIFE In ITS VARIOUS PHASES.
The Horse Corrected His Critic
Wierd Experience of n Judge nj m
Horse show.
tJohn Ksndr4ck Bangs In HErperx weehly.I
was one of tina judges at the horse
show last week, and have made up nv
mind never to repeat the experiences. 1
thought knew Q great deal about horses,
but have reached the says conclusion
that know very little about them. Last
Sunday mornings experience convinced me
of that. had worked very hard round
ing up my weeks work at the exhibition.
had rendered my decisions according 10
| my conscience, and was tired out. At one
O'Clock Sunday morning / crept into my
downy couch and fell into O dreAmless
sleep, which continued until the bells in q
neighboring church steeple began to warn
people that It was time to get ready for
church. Ordinarily that sort Of thing does
| not awaken me. This time Ii seemed 10
have the other effect, for at precisely 1890
q. m. found myself sitting up In bed gag
ing at the drawn curtains OF my windows.
| and somehow or other conscious of some
impending trouble.
Mechanically reached out and touched
the electric button to summon my valet
Hardly had touched IL when there came a
fearful olatterIng of feet in the hallway,
my door wss kicked open and in place of
my man, who should enter but a singulsrly
scrawny steed that had for q whole week
excited my judicial derision.
"Shsdss of Dextert" / cried, what Is
| the meaning of THAR The answer Was q
hoarse laugh, and In putting 1t thus in
tend no bad joke. 1t was literally hosrse
laugh and nothing else.
at means that am going to get even
with your honor for your attitude toward
me at the show" said the steed-
"Where Is Parkeri"
Parker Is my valet.
al took him for ride out In Central
| park" replied the horse, land when we
| got out by the reservoir chucked him ov-
er the rail into the water. You may get
| him in your coffee At breakfast Do you
use Croton or AppollinaIis In your coffeeF"
/ confessed that that was 8 culinary
detail with which 1 was not sufficiently
| acquainted to answer bis question POSI-
| lively.
"Well, Ii doesn't make any difference" I"
| returned the horse, whisking Seyres vase
| off my msutel-piecs with his tail. Il
/ haven't come here to interview you on the
subject of How Our Judges Liver don't
care If you boil your coffee In champagne
and settle II with sardines. Points like
| that don't interest me What have come
| to show you is thst you and all the oihsr
| judges were not worth your salt as judges.
1 How many prizes did geti Not one. How
many honoIshlesi Not one. How many
| v. ii. U'.i Not a blessed V. II. G whyI
Because you msn didn't know your bust
ness.
"You said hadn't any action. Humpb!
What do you cay to thisI"
| Here he raised himself on his hind legs
and walked gracefully about my room.
| Every fne," said l.
az should say go, he responded. "There
isn't darky In the whole solid south that
could put more style into his carriage than
that, not With a million pound plum cake
/ as his reward. You es!d i wasn't gentle
Again let me say, humph! HoH's this for
Il gentlenessf"
As he spoke he kicked my clock of the
msntel-p piece, landing IL on my pillow, and
20 gently wiihsl thai 1t neither gained nor
lost q second.
Unprecedented" said ].
Precisely" he retorted; ''in which 70
spect 1t equals your ignorance of horse
flesh. But to resume, you observed that
I lacked intelligence. Do you hsppen 10
have Greek testament about youl If you
have, I'll resd the whole thing to you in
FIVE different languages. Why, man,
knew Get sp' and Whoa In Arysn before
/ you knew them in English. Lack intelli.
gence. Geei Why. speak Greek as well
as one of those horses on ths Parthspon
/ friezs."
| lyon are dsisy," said.
''No; I'm q horee, "he answered, Though
| if l wanted to be a daley could be- Now,
sir, you slso said that as a hunter I was
the most absurd beast you ever saw.
When think of thst am almost inclined
| to sue you for lIbsL Can't hunt, can't II
Well, let's see. Have you lost anything
lstelyi"
yea" answered. after moment or
two of reflection, "I lost q collar button
Sunday before lest"
"And you've sesrched for it high and
lowir
| "I have"
"Well, let me try"
Here he began trotting about the room,
shifting like war horse that scents victory
sfsr. After two or three moments of this,
he stopped suddenly before my bureau,
i kicked 1t out into the hall, and lot there on
| the floor was my collar button
| at seems 10 me, b" he said triumphantly,
'fthst in hunting can give even you
points."
acknowledged the impeachment.
"Another thing you did was to look at
my teeth and say was 20 years old. You
were fooled that time. Pm go. These teeth
are false"
He took them out and proved his ssser-
| ton.
"FAlsus in uno, fslsus in omnibus. "
said /.
"Tm not that kind of horse" he re-
torted.
"Whst kinds' asked innocenly.
"omnibus," ssid he, with laugh.
There was silence for a moment. and then
he resumed. Finally" be ssid, growing
fierce and swishiug his tail rnsdly-"fnsl.
ly what did You ssyi You said couldn'I
jump-not even q board bill. Now I'm 60
ing 10 show you how near you were right
when you ssid that. LIE still, or you'll
get hurt"
With this he began lespIng to and fro
over my bed and me, and as his great luu-
bering legs passed over me, net once but
dozens and dozens OF times, / became faint
with fear and swooned away. When / came
to 1t was Monday morning, and the beast
was gone, but am going TO look In the
catslog and get his number.
am resolved to do one of two things.
shall either send him q barrel full of gold
medals, or buy him from his owner and
have him made over into glue.
At any rate, shall rover pretend to be
Judge of horse flesh again.