The Wichita daily eagle., 1893-11-22
THE OLD SETTLER.
He and the Sheriff Discuss the
Worlds Fair.


The sheriff had come back from the
worlds fair, and was telling of all the
wonders he had seen. His description
of the sights of the White City was list
ened to by the boys at the tavern with
open mouths and bulging eyes When
he described. almost in whisper, the
things he had seen at the Midway Plai-
ance, among others the oriental dances.
even the landlord got up and exclaimed:
Thunder! But l wisht I'd ben
there, shurff ~
And the squire moved about in his
chair and said:
''It beats all! I'll bate if them folks
d come here an do anything o. that
kind they'd soon get ducked up yender
in the mill pond! An var seen it. did
ye, shurff !''
"Yes!" replied the sheriff. 'Yar bet
did,
'.Thunder!" exclaimed the landlord,
going behind the bar and taking four
fingers of the best. "But wisht I'd q
ben there!'
But the Old Settler sat in his chair
without word His lips were COM
pressed and he looked straight ahead
into vacancy. He was listening, but
nothing the sheriff talked about in two
hours verbal panorama of the worlds
fair seemed to be of any moving inter
est to him. At last, when the sheriff
had exhausted his subject and himself
and ceased talking, the Old Settler
came out Of the vacancy. He showed
his hat to the back of his head and.
turning to the sheriff, said:
Them things is all right ez fur es
they 60, but who winned the four-min-
ute race fer hosses bred in the coun.
try?"
The sheriff was dazed 1t was some
time before he could make reply.
"Why, major" said he, they didn't
have any four-minute race for horses
bred in the country. You see"
'An' were the double-headed calf
alive, or only just stufed?' said the
Old Settler, cutting the sheriff short
well, major" the sheriff began.
"the fact is"
An wat were the heft o the prize
punkin?" said the Old Settler, waving
the sheriff off.
Il didn't see any prize punkin, ma
jor," said the sheriff. resignedly.
Ibid the feller with the tame bar
hev him trained proper, or did he hef
to hev a muzzle on him?" asked the Old
Settler.
81 don't think there was any trained
bear on the grounds" said the sheriff.
Whose OF woman got the four-shiPn
prize fer the best cider apple sass?" un-
relentingly the Old Settler went on.
''You don't seem to understand, ma
jor-"
Were the patchwork quiltin' wuth
lookin' at, or didn't ye notice?"
Major"
"Who ketched the CREASED pig, an
wat did they give him fer doin' of it?"
Creased pig! Why, major, there
wasn't any CREASED pig at this fairv'
"Who had the best rooty bagies, an
wat were the showin' ez to mouse.
nose 'taters?'
Gracious, majorr'
"Who spoke the piece bout the best
way to shet out sniffles in sheep. an
how to cure mules O. kickin'?''
1.-THE subjects weren't mentioned,
major"
An how did the pullin' match 'twixt
the team O. hosses an the yoke O. steers
suit the folks, shurff?''
''See here. major! They didn't have
any of those things out there! None Of
them"
The Old Settler was silent for awhile,
and then said:
Didn't l understan' ye to say that
yed ben to the fair, shurf?"
Certainly. The worlds fair"
"The fair / ben ahsarin' so much
about fer year an better?"
"Yes. There's only one"
can ones enough, bgosh!' ex.
claimed tho Old Settler. Folks must
a-lost all their grit, nowadays, to stand
being took in SO, without sayin' durn
word back! Wat do ye s'pose they'd
a-done in the Sugar swamp deestric' if
they'd a-6one to one O. the fairs they
usety hev there, an, arter psyin' their
little two shil'n' to get in, they was
told that tha want gointer be no four
minute race fer hosses bred in the
county? An that the fair hadn't
creased no pig to be chased? An that
the two-headed calf want On hand,
not even stuffed? An that patchwork
1uiltin' were shet out that year. an
cider apple sass want on the bills? An
that they want takin' no stock in
prize punkins, or in rooty bagies, or in
nouse-n nose 'taters. an that the hoss
,eam want gointer pull 'ginst the
7oke O. steers? Gosht'lmighty, shurf.
The folks o Sugar swamp d a-riz up ez
,ne man. b'gosh! They'd a-took the
bosses O. that fair out an rid 'em on a
.ail from Dan to Beershesoyl They'd
l-ripped down tents, an they'd a-slath-
.r'd sheds. an they'd a-druv things
,fore 'em clean to the mountains o
aepsidam, b'gosh. where the whang-
doodle mourneth for her young! What!
4 fair without no four-minute trot fer
BOSSES bred in the county! A fair with
,ut no dou bile headed calf! But, say,
,hurff, yer foolin', hain't ye? Tha must
l. ben a double headed calf at this fair
,e ben to-"
Not one, major."
"Not even a stuffed one!
mot even a stuffed one"
''Sure as can Ie, major, persisted
he sheriff. There was no dou BILE
headed calf"
Then" exclaimed the Old Settler.
that fair has give aRricultur' in this
,entry a setback that it won't git
,ver, b'yosh. fer forty year. not il
hey fetch over ev'ry gal that is in
Egypt an Aferky an Iuiy an set 'em