davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
Two Fanous Jokers.

The memory Of Theodore Hook, thu
celebrated English humorist, Is very
appropriately associated with the
most audacious Jest on record-yiZ.,
his announcement, when recalled
from his post as Governor Of Maui
ritus on a charge Of embezzling El2,-
900 of the public money, that he
had come homo ION account OF a dis
order In his chest"
But the most brilliant of his comic
feats was achieved In concert with
his famous rival Tom Hood. The two
were strolling summer evening on
the outskirts of London with their
friend Charles Matthews, the great
actor, when Hood said to Hook.
"They call us the inseparables;' but
after all, It's only natural that Hook
and-eye sho uld always be together
eh, Theo?"
'.Bravo, Tom," cried Hook; 'that's
the best I've heard for a long time!
! say, SUPP ose we have a match which
of us two can make the best joke on
the spur of the moment? Charlie
Matthews, here shall be umpire, and
the loser shall stand treat for asuppeI
for three"
Done" said Hood; and scarcely
was the word uttered when they es-
pied a signboard, the owner Of which,
wishing to advertise that he sud beer,
had unluckily worded the announce
ment ''Bear sold here"
'O-ho" said Hook-'I suppose
that bear is his own Bruin!"
well donei" cried Charles Math.
ews. ''You'l have hard work to
beat that, friend Thomas"
II dare say he'll do 1t, Though"
said Theodore; The carries more than
two faces under one Hood-don't you,
Tom?"
At that moment they turned q
sharp corner, and came In sight OF a
small tumble-down house standing in
the midst OF a wretched little plot OF
worn and trampled grass, Just In front
of which was displayed a huge board
with the inscription, "Beware the
dog"
Hood looked warily round him in
all directions, and, finding no dog
anywhere visible, picked up a broken
piece of brick and scrlbbled under
meath the warning, "Where be the
dog?"
"Well, I'll tell you what it is, my
boys, said Charles Mathews-"I
can't decide between two such Jokes
as those, and, what's more, I'm not
going to try; so we had better all go
and sup together, and each pay hi'
own share"
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
NUMBER 30
5uo, EEL. AND BASS.
an INCIDENT That Shows the sagacity of .
Certain variety Of Game Fish,

Certain variety of Game Fish.
Frank Baird OF the Internal Rev
enue Once Is Just nov telling Of a
strange thing that he witnessed down
on classic Ten Mile Creek during an
extremely hot day last season. He
and ex-Collector George L. johnson
were out for a days sport with hook
and line when this happened, and,
Of course, no n who knows the
gentlemen will doubt their ver3city,
or their ability to catch more fish
than anybody else on the creek. On
this occasion they had been favored
with fair luck, and it was with much
internal satisfaction that they sat
down on the bank to eat their loon
lunch. What they saw there is best
told In the words Of Mr.. Baird him
self:
1--WE had with us a small demijohn
OF lemonade" said he, land this we
placed In the water a few feet from
shore to keep IL cool. About fifteen
minutes after we left il l was startled
by an exclamation from Johnson, who
had his eye on the jug, and when 1
looked I was much surprised as he to
see a big black bass tugglng away at
the corn cob stopper of the Jug. The
mouth of the demijohn was even
with the surface Of the water, SO that
the fish could Just reach 1t. He was
pulling for dear life, but did not
seem TO make much Roadway until a
big eel came along and took a hand
In the game. The eel was about four
feet long, and he swan leisurely
around for a few minutes, as though
he were trying to make out what the
bass was up to. All this time we
kept as still as mice, and In breath
less establishment awaited further
developments. Soon the eel seemed
to comprehend the situation, and he
volunteered his help
"He was long and 1.-THE, and, rails
ing his body out OF the water about
a foot, he twisted himself into a cork
screw and o had the stopper out of
the jug. He then slipped down and
politely gave the bass a chance for
the first drink. The fish made a Ges-
perate effort to get something out Of
the jug, but signally failed, and was
obliged to give up, evidently much
disguised. The eel then took his
turn, and found it an easy matter to
reach up out of the water, stick his
head In the jug, and imbibe the con
tents. This he did, with joyous salts
faction showing plainly all owe his
body. But the poor bass was discon-
solate, and became more uneasy every
minute, while the eel stayed man.
fully at the Jug.
"rinally a bright idea struck Mr.,
Bass, and quick as q flash he grabbed
Mr.. Eel by the tall, and with nj
snap bit of the end. Then he kept
tine new end of the col In his mouth
and sucked that jug dry through the
cells body. When the Jug was emptied
they both swan away, and by their
actions they must have been In a very
hilarious condition. We were out a
quart Of flrst-class bait. but we were
glad to pay that much for the exhi-
bition we had witnessed. The Incl
dent also shows the righteousness as
well as ungrateful qualities Of the
black bass. Toledo Commercial
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

But 7 analyze the publican's prayer a step
further, and I find that he expected no relief
except through Gods mercy. Why did not
he say, 1 am an honorable man. When l get
SO taxes, l pay them right over to the gov
eminent. l give full permission to anybody
to audit my accounts. appeal to Thy JUS
tice, o Godl He made no such plea. He
thrsw himself fiat on Gods mercy.
Have you any idea that q mar by breaking
off the scales of the leprosy can change the
disease? Have you any idea that you can by
changing YOU life change your heart--that
you can purchase our way TO heaven?
Come, try it. Come. bring all the bread you
ever gave to the hungry, all the medicine
you ever gave to the sick, all the kind words
you have ever uttered, all the kind deeds
that have ever distinguished you. Add them
all up into the tremendous aggregate of
good words and works, and then you will see
Paul sharpen his knife as hs cuts that spirit
of self satisfaction as he cries, 'By the deeds
of the law there shall no flesh be Justified"
Well, say a thousand men in this audience,
II l am not TO get anything in the way of
peace from God in good works, how an | to
be saved2 BY mercy. Here ! stand to tell
the story mercy, mercy, long suffering
mercy sovereign mercy, infinite mercy,
omnipotent mercy, everlasting mercy. Why,
1t seems in the Bible as If all language were
exhausted, as II 1t were stretched until ii
broke, as il all expression were struck dead
at the feet OF prophet and apostle and evan
gelist when 1t tries to describe Gods mercy.
oh, says some one, that is only adding 10
my crime II I come and confess before God
and seek His mercy. No, no. The MUIR
derer has come, and while he was Washing
the blood of his victim from his hands,
looked into the face OF loo and cried for
mercy, and his soul has been white in Gods
pardoning love. And the soul that has
wandered of in the streets and down to the
very gates OF hell has come back to her
Fathers house, throwing her ri around
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
Tile best pearls are founi on the
Ceylon coast and In the Persian Gulf.

Only two European countries,
France and Italy, now produce trutfies
in any considerable quantity.
Doctor Parkway Blake, a Wiscon-
sin physician, has successfully grated
a pigs ear to the stump of AN ear that
had been sliced off tbs head of q
faVorlte hunting dog.
The length of the Tay bridge in
Scotland, which fell, 1879, was 1862
feet, 30 feet above the water level, s.
spans. The new lay bridge was begun
n 1882.
A Georgia merchant who has a lot
OF crlnoline left owe from old days has
placed them on sale in his store.
"A Lawrence Kan. lady has q
Bible lI6 years old that has been in
the family ever since 1t was printed.
A copy Of the first edition Of Co.
lumbns' letter in Latin, announcing
tie discovery of America, printed at
Rome in 1893, sold in London recently
for Sl575,
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

AN English rainmaker now oper
ating in India has an apparatus con
listing of a rocket capable of rising
to the height of a mile, containin !:
I reservoir of ether. II its descent
opens a parachute, which causes
il to come down slowly. The ether
Is thrown out In fine spray, and its
absorption Of heat is said to lower
the va~mperature about 1t sufficiently
to condense the vapor, and produce q
limited shower.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Stranger-Why DON'T you Gear the
rats out Of your chicken house.
Farmer Easie-They don't do no
harm. Stranger--Don't they eat
eggs? Farmer Easie They used to
but not now. l think those new
fashioned china ncst.eggs has
sort o. discouraged them.-New York
Weekly.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

The parasites which affect these
nretty feathercd pets may be got rid
Of 10y merely placing a clean white
c 9th over the cage at night. In the
morning IL will be covered with very
minute red spots, almost invisible
without a microscope. These are the
yermin SO annoying and SO fatal To
the birdA
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

He latter being accepted)-And
what kind OF a ring am l to buy for
you, my darling? She-We!l, | like
lne 1 wore last year ever so much. !
will give you Charities ad iress Fer.
haps you will be able to buy the
Ticket from him at a bargain
Texas Siftings.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
Enrontery

$50 you're a burglar, are you?n SAID
the Chicago Judge. mo, 1 amt,
your honor" was the answer. fSThis
my first ofense." "Yonr flrsl
offense! Do you mean to stand up
there and tell me you had the I'm
pndence to try amateur burglary in
Chicago ?"-Washina- an Star.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
On the chicago E1prexs.

rassenger-Look here, porter,
here's something suspicious about
hat man over there: I'm sure he's
disguised with a wig and a false
beard. Porter-Yes, sab; but don't
say nothin' bout 1t, sab! It's Mr..
Ward McAlllster, Soin' out to see the
Worlds Fair. Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Cholly Softpate-T see nawthing-
aw-degwading in lahoh- If ]
should lose me fohtune, ye know, ]
could calm me living as Il waltah.
May Cutting-Don't you think i'll
The union wouldn't have you. Yov
couldn't raise whiskers!--Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
The Next Best Thing.

Hotel Clerk Ito new bell boy)-Dld
you wake up No "A? Bell Boy-No,
sab. Cuddent wake him up, sab, but
/ did the best l cud, sab. Hotel
Clerk-What was that? ell-Boy-I
walked up No. As, a h.-Harper'f
Ba lar.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Bright Boy-TIow is Hawaii pro
nounced? Teacher-Um-ask your
father, and then you'll remember.
Bright b VI did, and he told me
to ask you, so I'd remember. Guess
1t mus be awful hard to relnem.
her. Exchange.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Lummix-Isn't a cemetery a quiet
spot? Skimgullet-Yes; but Fgyp-
tian cemeteries are quieter than those
in this country. Lummix-How can
that be2 Skimgullet-Because in
Egypt mummies the word.-Judge
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Victim OF grip writes a letter and
spells it grip" A Friend-Yor
spell that wrong. 1t should BE-
grippe. Victim-l don't care about
your terminating pc. The shorter
the spell is the better it will suit nc
Brooklyn Eagle.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
Her Held!

Brlggs-I thought you said Miss
Poplin was such a great talker? She
has scarcely said a word the whole
evening. Griggs-You wait until
some night when she is your partner
at whist.-Judge.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Diddle-Say, but they have some
mighty high buildings In this city.
Brcvoo: tt should say so! l am
told that some of the buildings here
are so high that even the s~uh-cellars
are above ground, Puck
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Small Boy think our teacher is
losin' interest In us. Father-Why
so? Small loy-It's most two weeks
since she reminded US boys that we
might grow up to be president If we
studied hard.-Exchang
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
HUMOROUS SELECTIONS.
GATHERED BY OUR PATENTED
REAPER.

Jokes Of Preachers, Lawyers, Doctor.
and Editors-some ofThem Very Dry and
Others Somewhat ~Juioy-They VIII Aid
Digestion II Psrused After Msais-Do
not Read Them Upon an Empty
Rtomaoh.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Mi. Richaug-IIaye you thought OF
me since l saw you IastP Miss
Wor!dlygirl-You bet l thought OF
you YESTERDAY afternoon when l saw
a lady pass with an elegant sealskin
sac ,ue. | need one just like it
Texas SiftingS.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
No Worry.

Young Author-What do you think
Of my new play? Friend-Hem!
You're in luck, cd fellow. Think
so?" Eyes, indeed, You won't be
worried to death by ticket specula.
torSn
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

District Messenger Superintendent
we had to discharge that little
Sullivan boy you recommended to us.
City Missionary-Indeed? District
Messenger Superintendent-Na in
action Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
II sIPHoN cLocE
Cow the Hour of the Day Nay BE fndk
. ~ Novsl r~ontelvnncA,

Avery interesting contfIvance, that
can easily be constructed BY an anna
teur, Is attracting attention IN
France. Over the top Of two side
supports or side arms o crossbeam 10
placed in the shape of o knitting.
needle, which must be perfectly
straight, of course, and connected at
one end with q small hour hand that
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

II was glad to see YOU didn't drink
much champagne at dinner, Tom"
'tAre you sure OF that, little girl?"
ooh, l watched you" "Yes; that
was why ! didn't drink more -
Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

ST. Peter-Wny, you can't como 10
here You are a Divorce. Fair Ap-
plicant-Yes, but only my first hus.
band Is in here. Truth.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

Jiggs-No ! can't bring myself to
= c~lean-shaven face. 1t makes a fel.
low look so much like an actor.
Jaggs-Or a clergyman. Jiggs-Just
so.-Boston News.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
Didn't Want him to starv..

Doctor - You mustn't eat to,
much. Patient Why, ! board.
Doctor-Do you? Then eat all you
can. Life.
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07

During the examination OF s. E.
Lee, charged with the killing of Mrs.
Jesse Hale, at Texarkaua, Arkansas,
the murdered woman's husband opened
FIRE On Les and dangerously wounded
him in the thigh. Five shots were
fired, emptying the court room. Lse's
trial was postponed.
Christian Schwartz, a Wet Vir-
ginia tanner, now claims a big por-
ton Of the Economics wealth at
Beaver Falls. 3
The Penn's Grove record., 1893-07-07
PENIS GROVE, N. j., FRIDAY. JULY I. 1893.

under arrest, with John Wilson, at
Colorado Springs, Col, charged with
m; rider, train and bank robbery.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-03-23

cahinei. What a queer game 10
politics.
Representative Bfecklnrltgc OF
Kentucky, still believes thst he has
chance, as the administration cnndi.
datt, 10 be Speaker % tie House, and
ne loses no opportunity 10 ascertain
whether "a new member nas committed
himself on the subject. Mr.. Breckin.
ridge IL either the victim Of ucluslOn
or the postessor Of knowledge deu'e
u every one else, Tor II has been gen.
orally accepted 10y the public since
M. Chsp's memorable Wilt n New
York last winter, that tho next
Speakers name would be Crisu.
There IN n well defined rumOr H0ai.
Ing around town 10 the effect that
Pru.idcnt Cleveland wants the Senate
lp j1urn, anu that he IL holding back
big pile Of appointments because he
dnte not care jus. q, this timo 10 take
tue chances NJ having hlht made
upon some II them ly sunatufs VI his
own party. Meanwhile the Senate
certainly gives 10 indication " being
Ia the slightest hurry 10 get away, nor
20 act upon the few nominations that
have been already sout iu. Ia lact at
THIS writing the senatrfa ARE apparently
Ia 70 concerned over the few tnicefs
connected with tue Senate, most "
whom Will be changed, than anything
else.
For some years It has been custom.
airy 10 making certain appointments
under the government 90 give weight
TO The recommendation OF organized
llhub but Secretary Carlisle has IN.
ioimyi the president Of "a prominent
labor organization TINT the custom
would be- abolished In the treasury de-.
par.mont, which viii only deal with
Individuals us long as he RENAME at
IT. huni.
Tie committee appointed by Joint
rcso u.i1u n the let Congress 10 IL.
v,s'Ifl,e the methods OF doing businc =
IN thv government DEPARTMENT., with
view To- "a reduction IN the qua thy
of fgl tape used, will ofguulas this
week. lhu committee has a promising
iielJ 10 work, Aui n u willlay Hsl o
personal considerations and O ut tho
matter just as IT, members would nt
iheif own business the result IN bound
90 be- highly beneficial. Two years are
10 De devoted to the invos,iy CATION and
busirr4- experts are 10 he employed by
| AAN N'lNNNANNAANhH
United a,us senators seemed TO be
thoroughly alive TO the advantages
1ccfuing 20 The family exch, qu,r from
an additional salary, u u be lair &
| judge by the number Of them VI o
have app0intcl tHHir sous CLERKS % the
commitlrrs OF which they ntc rhair.
men. This disease ia contar ious And
IN spite Of the terrible sxlmpl.s ot tne
past It mny become Epidemic. II vii
ever be- entirely ctallcItyI IL IA The
body polite until there Isl law absJ-
lutely prohibiting the appointment %
"A subordinate position hy any official
NJ any member VI his immediate
family.
President Cleveland is understOod 10
he OF the opinion that 1t will be "a use
less proceeding 10 send commissioner
| To tue proposed Resembling Of the
the international monetary conference
IN May, bot the Senate proposes trying
| u little moral suasilG ON him, TO sec !
1t can make him change hi, mind.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-03-23
WASHINGTON LETTER.
IRON our Regular Correspondent

IRON our Regular Correspondent
WAsniNuroS, March 70, ls03-Aa
important question, involving tue pro &.
per construction OF the Constitution OF
the United States, VIII conn before
tho Senate as soon as the committee
GU privileges aud election makes n
report on the credentials OF Senators
Mantle, Of Montana, and Beckwith, Of
Wyoming, appointed by the governors
OF their respective states because Of the
failures OF the legislatures TO elect
Senators-Sena,or Allen o! Washing.
ton, also appointed by tho governor OF
his state, uncer similar circumstances
has not presented his credentials yet.
The whole thing Will turn upon what
constitutes constitutional vacancy In
the Senate, anu there will be great
opportunity for the numerous cons,i.
tutional lawyers Of the Senate to add
to their reputation, aud, fortunately,
partisan politics viii have moth.
ing TO do with the final dtcis.
ion, which 10 expected TO mako
precedent for future ages,
as the politics Of the majority cannot he
changed Whatever the result. Away
back in 1925, James Lannap, was AZ.
pointed by the governor OF Connecticut
to I'll new term and was refused his
seat by the Senate, which decided that
the Constitution conferred upon the
legislature alone the authority 10
appoint senator for u new tom, but
In 1879 this precedent was overturned
ana MIR. Bell, appointed senator Tor u
new term by the governor Of New
Hampshire, was given his seat by II
majority vote Of tho Senate, against
the majority report OF the committee
on privileges and elections. Tue
clause oil the Constitution bearing oh
the subject reads: al vacancies has.
pen by resignation or otherwise durInR
the recess OF the legislature OF iny
state the executive thereof may make
temporary appointments until the IneKt
meeting VI the Legislature, which, shall
then M such vacancies"
President Cleveland IL said W have
firmly impressed II upon the minds Of
the members VI his cabinet, mud par.
| tculaTly the postmaster general, that
no POpulist shall be appointed 10 even
| the most Insignificant filce. He
resenfs their finsnclal Opih Ons, and
yet, he made Gresham ths head Of his
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-03-23
81. losrnh Stnke ConIerence.

The quarterly conference OF tho 81.
Joseph Stake OF Zion, at Arizona,
convened at Pima, March ian. AZ
the forenoon services interesting anu
instructive remarks were made by
Elder d. Roberts, recently Iom tue
North. Ho spoke oil the growth OF
I.on, and how We were spreadin.
over the walls OF Utab into tue differ
ont states au1 territories, after which
the Bishops reported the various
wards to be in n prosperous condition,
Elder RJoofls duuug the afternoon
spoHv OF the early existence vi con or.
ences, aud impressed on the minus oi
the LBter-Iay SAINTS tLeir import
anrt.
ElIer q. Layton spoke OF our future
welfare anu lett thankful tuat things
were 10 prOsp aTOus wan W IN TINS
lanu. Al the beginning o. the set-
vices On Matcn l3tn, tue general
au .uOrluvs vi the Cnurch Aud bsAKr
were pfvseutod before the people Auu
unaulm usiy sustained, alter which
u iuil anu complete statistical report o.
the various warns Was read.
Elder George Gun reported the
cJnuition VI Inc acauemy, anu urguu
upon the people tue NECESSITY VI sue
taiulns tnat iusltu ION.
Elder T.. =. MurfIlI bore n strong
tes.imOny 70 the truth OF Iuu lallcr.G.y
WORK, and Elder VIM. ID. johnson
COINED Out tne uutles vi the Lat.c.-
gay Saints.
iu tins afternoon, alter lisIeni ~ to a
iull report OF the sunday schools,
Elder RjUeit, was given thv rect VI
.hs HitcInOOn. lie t1ucned upon
May Interesting subjects ia reSatl 10
tue Priesthood, eXuOrting the oaiuts G
oOey those placed over theiu, etc. lLt
speaker was iuli Ul blessings Tor tht
eOplv ia TINS land for being ~ genul'
Gus IN donating u the tempe, utri
pfUphesied that THIS Would pu O
prosperous ytar ior the Lauer-Iby
SAINTS. All went nouns feeling tia,
.hey had had feast VI ial things.
h. w. MOODY, Clerk,
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-03-23

Ell the people had come out with an
honest heart TO wituess this event, and
that he hoped those desiring hap ism
had fully repentcd OF their sins. II not A.,
their case was as was that OF Simon
the Sorcc.er, when he thought the gift
of the Holy Ghost could he purchased
with money, etc. Elder II. NJ. Wright
was the next speaker aud IN q few
words he told those who had come out
FLOR baptism that II they felt a. though
they could not stand up under the per-
secutions that would be heaped ul0u
them from now on, TO stay out Of tue
water entirely. Brother u. S.Wallnre
In brief showed In nu able manner tue
blesainps that would follow the true
believer, etc. Ho then stepped down
into the clear, running stream, ami the
work began. We had the honor OF
baptiziug n man SO yesrs old, with his
youngest child, "tne BABY" 81 years;
another IS. These OLD people have
been exceedingly kind TO We Elders
aimee our stay In this county, a.
IA the case with all tho people.
Brother Wallace remained In Tue
pool until all were baptized.
After this we struck out for Davis
station, a distance Of twelve miles,
whete Elders J. n. 5chvanevcldtanu
David Niles OF MI k Creek hal an All
pointment. We all had n GLORIOUS
time, Us 10 always the case when We
meet the Elders. Brothers Wallace
and Wright occupied the pulpit
Our territory here l. limiteii but
there is an Increasing demand iof mis-
siOnurles from tue surrounding wiids.
The cry Is like that from Macedonia
"Come over aud help u.s." To tn,
young men ia Zion we siy, give heed
to the teaohinge you receive irom time
TO time anu your turn will comu whuu
you eau be happy anu content u, tue
Elders Of South Caroline are.
Your brother In the cause Of truth,
n. NJ. WRIGHT.