Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1893-07-12
Mr. Hicks Grafton.

MI. ISnam VI. HICKS accepleu VIII
becoming modesty an invitation to de
liver the Fourth Of July Grafton at Kick
yhassett Corners. He composed his ad
dress with infinite pains, and practiceC
his gestures assiduously before the mir
ror.
"The successful orator." he Dragged Il
his wife, "must thrill his audience with
the spontaneity of his eloquence and the
sublimity of his conceptions. And that
is exactly what | propose doing. | have
always held that the Office should seek
the man, but if the ideas of next Novem'
should find me the peoples choice, why
-er-ah -"
II suppose SC" assented Mrs. Hicks
Mr.. Hicks was al Kickyhassett Cor
ners betimes on independence day, and
repaired in due season to Splog's grove
where the celebration was held. Mrs
Hicks did not accompany him to the
Corners.
Just before taking his place on the
speakers stand the orator was introduced
to Mr.. Splog, the owner of the grove
who informed him that while granting
the use of the grove for celebration, he
reserved the right to shut off an offend
ing orators wind at any time. He wa
not hypercritical, but he opposed sedi
tious utterances with all his might.
After the usual preliminaries were
gone through with, Mr.. Hicks advanced
upon the rostrum and began:
Ladies and gentlemen, l am but {
humble ton of soil-er-er-I mean, 6
soiled son Of"
"a humble son of toll" promptly cor
rected Mr.. Splog, who sat directly il
front of the speakers stand.
"Thank you !" returned Mr.. Hicks
"a humble son of toll, and my language
is plain, and-uh-"
"For ways that are dark and tricks
that are vain," prompted Mr.. SplOg, as
the orator hesitated.
"Not at ALL" answered Mr.. Hicks,
triAe nettled. "My language is plain
and unadorned with the flowers of rhet
oric. But, standing, as it we're"
"On the summit of Mount Pisgah,
said Splog, cheeriy.
This was maddening; but Mr.. Hicks
restrained himself heroically.
STANDING, as it were in the shadow oi
the four hundredth year-post in the life
of America, let us pause to note the frui'
ton of the years. But four hundred
years ago Christopher Columbus"
"And other wild animals roamed-'
prompted Splog, mechanically.
"No no." The orator began to per
spire freely. christopher Columbus
crossed the Atlantic's trackless waste
and landed on"
"This rock bound coast"
mo, sir" Mr.. Aicks' collar began Il
wilt.
THAT'S so, by George Rock-bound
coast goes with the Pilgrim Fathers"
The critic did not interrupt again fol
some time. Mr.. Hicks advanced il
peace from the discovery to the founding
of the nation and proceeded thus:
"The glorious ship of state has wealth
cred the storms of adversely and sailed
triumphantly into the snug harbor o.
universal prosperity. Of the undying
tenets laid down by the immortal Wash
ington not one tot or jittle-er-er-jit OIL
tottle-that is, tit or jottle-um um ~
"Jot or tittle," corrected Mr.. Splog.
Thank you Thank you Not one jot
or title have passed away. And now
A few minutes before, the balloon, con
trary to all precedent had really gone up
and at this moment bag of sand
thoughtfully dropped by the aeronaut
struck the orator squarely Oh the head
knocking him senseless. A surgeon pres
emily resuscitated the unfortunate man
but he did not feel able to resume hi:
speech.
81 reckon it's just as we'll" commented
Mr.. Splog to friend. HE never said
anything about the continental congres;
or the land of the free, or the boy who
now stands before us. He didn't even
mention that the spot where we now
stand was once a bowling wilderness
I've had the pleasure Of listening to over
forty Fourth of July orations, and
reckon | know what's what. This one
was no goodl"