St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-03-07
CHEESE AS WAS CHEESE.

CHEESE AS WAS CHEESE.
Jerome K. Jerome in Three Men in Boa"
remember faiend of mine buying a
couple of cheeseS at Liverpool. Splendid
cheeSes they were. ripe and mellow,and
with 200 horsepower scent about them
that might have been warranted to carry
three miles, and knock a man over at
200 yards.
was at Liverpool at the time, and my
friend said that if 1 didn't mind he
would get me to take them back with
me to London, as he should not be COM
ing up for day or two himself. and he
did not think the cheeses ought to be
kept much longer.
| called for the cheeseS, and took them
away in cab. l put the cheeses on the
top and we started Off at shamble that
would have done credit to the swiftest
steam roller ever built. and all went
merry a as funeral bell. until we turned
the corner.
There the wind carried Whit from
the cheese full OH to our steed. 1t woke
him up, and, with a snort of terror, he
dashed off at three miles all hour. The
wind still flew i'll his direction, and be-
fore we reached the end Of the street he
was laying himself out at the rate of
nearly four miles an hour, leaving the
crippleS and stout old ladies simply no.
where.
1t took two porters as we'll as a driver
to hold him in at the station; and do
not think they would have done it, even
then. had not one of the men had the
presence of mind to put handkerchief
over his nose and to light bit of brown
paper.
| took my ticket and marched proudly
up the platform with my cheeSeS, the
people falling back respectfully on
either side.
The train was crowded, and l had TO
get into carriage where there were
already seven other people. One crusty
old gentleman objected, but l got in.
Notwithstanding; and, putting my
cheeSeS upon the rack, squeezed down
with pleasant smile, and said it was
warm day.
A few moments passed, and then the
old gentleman began to fidget.
Every close in here" he said.
"Qnile oppressive" said the man
next him.
And then they both began shifting,
and, at the third sniff, they caught it
right on the chest, and rose up without
another word and went out.
And then stout lady got up and said
it was diSgraceful that a respectable
married woman should be harried about
i'll this way, and gathered up bag ana
eight parcels ana went out.
The remaining four passengers sat
for a while, until solemn-loOking man
-, %ho xr,hn hic a nd
general appearance, seemed to belong
to the undertaken class, said it put him
in mind of dead baby; and the other
three passengers tried TO get out of the
door at the same time, and hurt them
selves.
[ smiled at the black gentleman, and
said l thought we were going to have
the carriage to ourselves; and he
laughed pleasantly, and said that some
people made such fuss over little
thing.
But even he grew strangely depressed
after we had started, and so, when we
reached Crewe, l asked him to come
and nave drink. He accepted, and
we forced our way INTO the buffet,
where we yelled and stamped and
waved our umbrellas for a quarter of an
hour; and then young lady came and
asked us if we wanted anything.
From Crewe l had the compart men
to myself, though the train was
crowded. As we drew up at the differ
empty carriage, rushed for it. "He re
" are, Maria; come along, plenty Of
ROOM" "All right, Tom; Well get in
here" they would shout.
And they would run along, carrying
heavy bags, and fight round the door to
get in first. And Que would open the
door and mount the steps, and stagger
back into the arms Of the man behind
him; and they would all come and have
a sniff, and then drop off and squeeze
into other carriages, or pay the differ
ence and go first.
From EustOn took the cheeses down
to my friends house. When his wife
came into the room she smelt round for
an instant. Then she said:
"What is it? Tell me the worst"
] said:
"lt's cheeses. Tom bought them in
Liverpool and asked me to bring them
up with me-
And l added that hoped she under
stood that ii had nothing to do with me,
ana she said that she was sure of that,
but that she would speak to Tom about
it when he came back.
My friend was detained in Liverpool
longer than he expected, and three days
later. as he had't returned home, his
wife called on HE. She said:
"What did Tom say about those
cheeses?"
l replied that he had directed they
were to be kept in a moist place, and
that nobody was to touch them.
She said:
"Nobody's likely to touch them. Had
he smelled them?"
81 thought he had" and added that he
seemed greatly attached to Them.
"You think he would be upset." she
queried, IF gave man a sovereign to
take them away and bury them?"
answered that l thought he would
never smile again.
An idea struck her. She said:
"Do you mind keeping them for him?
Let me send them round to you?"
MADAM" l replied, "for myself l
like the smell of cheese. and the jour
ney the other day with them from Liv-
erpool / shall ever look back upon as a
happy ending to a pleasant holiday.
But the lady under whose roof have
the honor of residing is widow, and.
for all know, possibly an orphan, too.
She has a strong, may say eloquent,
objection to being what she terms put
upon.'"
Every we'll, them" said my friends
wife, rising, 'allI have to say is that l
shall take the children and go to hotel
until those cheeses are eaten. l decline
to live any longer in the same house
with Them"
The hotel bill came to fifteen guineas,
and my friend, after reckoning every
thing up, found that the cheeses had
cost him eight and sixpence pound.
He said he dearly loved a bit of cheese,
hut IL yvac havOndshic mans. an he de-