The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1893-10-29


GUS Insects.
From the st. Louis Republic.
ssWhy, Prof Cephas Aurelius Winker,
how are you!"
There was no mistake. 1t was Prof.
Winker. He was the center of a group of
earer and enthusiastic friends at the
union depot. He had just alighted from a
Chicago train.
The genial philosopher, philanthropist,
scientist, expert inventor and multi-miI-
ionaire was home again after an absence
of many months, nobody knew where. He
uvsteriously disappeared last May, and
all trace of him mad oeen completely
swallowed up il silence. His magnificent
nome in Cabanbe place was in charge of
servants, who only knew that the pro-
fessor was away travelling.
There was no brass band at the depot
to welcome Prof. Winker, because no one
knew he was coming, but he fully appre-
ciated the greeting of few distinguished
friends who CHANGED to meet him as they
were about to depart for the worlds fair
The professor is looking well. His 1.-the
figure has filed out to rotund proportions.
His checks are chubby, and his eyes
SDarkleU WITH 46dIbu anu GOOu uuIllOf.
His vast eXpanse of skull was eXquisitely
polished, and his noble, bullying brow be
tokened no lack of that wonderful cere-
bral activity for which the eminent St,
Louisan is noted.
1t was plainly evident from the natty
appearance of Prof. Winker that the cor
roding hand of time had cast no wither-
ing blight upon him, either physically or
mentally The financial stringency had
never touched him"
Been to the worlds fair" said the
professor, with easy colloquial familiarity,
as he grasped the handle of his light
travelling bag. "Been there ever since
the opening day, and haven't lost a min
ute's time. 1 have devoted all my ener
gies to the study of European character
with American environment and under
the nutritious development of pie"
What has pie got to do with it?'
''What has pie got to do with it?''
echoed the professor, in sort of tired,
incomprehensiblew way. Everything, sir.
America would be a mere colossal eX-
panse of dreary silence without pie, Pie
is the ineradicable trademark of Ameri-
canism. Pie is the root and evil of Amcri-
can character. Pie is the wild, moving,
irrepressible cause of American activity.
Pie has stirred, animated, excited the
very internal economy of the American
L
upon the American being in a restless,
tireless indigestion that has dared all
things and accomplished marvels. With
out pie there would have been no pioneers,
and without pioneers, where would have
been this wilderness OF prairie that now
blossoms as the rose and watts over
American civilization the odor from a
million beer gardens2"
without pie America to-day would
,na no 0O0 hphiUH fiTDn n
stead OF celebrating its four huudredth
anniversary as it now is. We live twice
as fast as any other nation on earth, and
the astonishing and concentrated incen-
tive has been pie. No man who eats pie
can sit still in the daytime or rest easy at
night"
"There are no butts about it. All this
talkaDout the nobility and energy of the
American character as result of the adj
Vancing strides of civilization allied with
a salubrious climate is all stuff and non
sense American progress is due to pie.
Pie and nothing else. Pie, sir-pushing,
persistent pie. Open-faced, olive-tinted,
brunette pie, and pale, blonde, hunting
case pie. Without pie we would be as
egOtisCCal and graSpug as the English,
as beer-a bsorbing and corpulent as the
Germans, and unprogressive and indo-
lent as the Italians, as uncertain and mer-
curial as the French, and as soiled and
cheap as the Chinese.
Pie has forced us forward, and to-day
Americans with their indigestion are the
most daring, pushing, progressive, in
ventive, imaginative and successful race
on earth. We live faster, die quicker, get
to heaven sooner and are tirsJ to feel the
toe of St. Peters boot for a violation of
the rules. The free and unlimited coin
age of pie has produced more enterprise
and
"Pyrotechnics2"
Nightmare, - continued Prof. Winker,
frowning.at the interruption, ethan all
the forces of nature and the powers of
civilization combined. We do every hing
by nervous electricity on the rapid
transit plan, and the great seal of our in
dissoluble union should be the succulent
pie bearing upon it's circular surface the
postmark of the almighty dollar, perched
upon a hydraheaded nightmare cou-
chant"
Have you been working upon any new
inventions ?"
New Inventions repeated the pro-
feSs0r, musingly, as he passed his hand
over the expanse of polished skull that
Gagged the great brain that has given to
the world the Patent Accordion EXten-
sion, Sardinc Packing Street Car. NO,
/ have perfected nothing, but have N
embryo an ingenious ingredient for the
humiliation of gold bugs"
humiliation of gold bugs! You don't
mean it?"
If fail to make myself plain, please
attribute it TO the density or your COM
prohenson, not to my ambiguity of eX-
preston, said the professor, testify Il
SAID gold bugs
Surely you cannot mean to annihilate
the gold bugs! Why"
And why not2 l am a reader of the
newspapers, and l see that the potato
bug, the grasshopper and the chlnches
are committing no depredatious that can
compare with the awful ravages OF the
gold bug"
But do you know what gold bug is"
rs it possible that l have spent years
IN scientific investigation and live to hear
such question! Out upon YOu This
duIIerous insect, sir, is the blight upon
cur prosperity. 1t is running crops. 1t
mas mJerIcred with the movement OF cot
!!on' 1t has brought wheat to a standstill,
~ /. mas clogged the wheel of industry and
IL AaS spread the gloomy wings OF panic
au over the land. There is only one
iieIgIy The gold bug must be annihl-
You don't seem to realize that gold
Ougs are"
Ihe most pestiferous insects on
SSia!lh We must get rid Of them, sir.
tGIpe them out Drive them from the
lace OF the carth.n
lUTI toll