The record-union., 1893-08-18
OUT IN One ROUND.
Sacramento Straight" Had Sand,
But That Was All.
1t Made a Good Uphill Fight, But
Was No Match for the Goblet
of Pure Water.

Judson Brusie the well-k nown lawyer,
tried his hand yesterday at reporting a
novel sort OF contest that occurred on the
street, and that he did it in an impartial
and effective manner, the following ac-
count from his pen will show:
Two glasses sat together on box by
the side of Joe Hahn's drug store. One
was filled with old Sacramento straight, -
the other contained fluid, sparkling and
clear as the diamonds on the breast of an
Egyptian queen. Old Sacramento spoke
up first and said:
Hello! you white-faced, pale and in
sipid-lookiug microscopic oxy-hydrogen
purlst where did you come from? oh,
yes, know! 1ou are a sample of the
pure water supply, with which the Men
of-Progress Society are trying to displace
me! Well, say, you pure, simple, sweet,
little boy, you are not in 1t with me.
Why, L have been in this town since the
first settler on Front street used me to
bath his feet in at nighttall."
And went to bed with cobblestones
between his toes for his trouble, pre-
6ume," quietly put in Goblet Of Pure
Water.
whats that?" cried Old Sacramento.
Don't get 1ossy, or. Fll spill over on
you and spoil your nice looks! you
health-giving, life-inspiring enemy of
undertakers! Don't interrupt me again
while L am talking, see !"
Then sliding his dark brown and dis
mai body just little closer to the Goblet
of Clear Water. Yes. SIR" continued
Old Sacramento, Il have been all over
this old town several times. have made
swimming pond OF her more than once,
and whole families have tloated on my
bosom, kitchen stove and ALL"
why didn't they walk ?'' put in the
Goblet of Pure Water. Your old bosom
had enough mud in it to float foundryp'
Say, look here ~ said Old Sacramento.
Don't you make any more cracks like
that or I'll have the dogs licking you off
the sidewalk! Then look at it from an
other standpoint. | am Sacramento's
first love; L am her greatest benefactor.
The same water that brings to her very
feet the great commercial commodities,
and an occasional dead hog from Folsom,
can be found in the decanterS on the side
board the next morning. AS a great,
flowing, all-powerful river, l float her
barges and flush her sewers; l glide by
the dunigans on the rivers banks, and am
quaffed by the lips OF the rich and poor; |
quench the thirst (and wear out the
throats, thought the Goblet of Pure
Water; l scour out the stomach, and
like the men of fame, 1 leave my foot
prints III the sands of time; l have put
out fires and built adobe houses on the
spot with the mud from the fire-hose
nose. thought the Goblet of Pure Water).
Il have sprinkled lawns and clothes
covered up the lawns and spotted the
clothes, unused the Goblet OF Pure Water;
have filled up vacant lots, and, after
passing through various slaugnter-houses
and soap factories, have then served as a
marine view on the Riverside road
cannot mix with whisky, because L ruin
its individuality; they cannot pump me
into milk, because | would change its
beautiful hue!
In fact" said Old Sacramento, 81 am
here TO stay. The malariaites, micr OBJ
ties, silurians and myself mad a meeting
the other night, and you just bet, sonny
we are going TO stay together
What claims have you, anyhow?
What right have you in territory that
has been mine so long? What do you
mean by it?"
And Old Sacramento, in a menacing
manner, moved toward the Goblet Of
fnre water, which made the following
reply:
Il have no particular boasts, sir; 1
hardly understand you, in the language
you employ. In speaking of malaria,
and microbes, and silurians, you leave
me with no understanding as to what
you mean, as all are entire strangers to
me.
For centuries I have trickled over
pure pebbles, and glided through white
sands away down beneath the turmoil of
which you speak and in which you have
seemed TO revel. My home is among the
rocks and stones which are hidden in the
deep, cold, dark recesses of the earthi I
am direct descendant from the rains of
heaven! L am related to the deWdrops
and the emist-encumbered atmosphere of
morn!
Removed from the surface of the earth,
am stranger to its maladies, yet
menace to ill-health. My life is silent,
deep and pure; l have no great achieve
hope, be fulfilling function for which
the Creator intended me-"
Old Sacramento was about to reply,
but got riled up so that siluran friend
dumped him out in the gutter and went
to the hydrant for glass that would not
indulge IN so disastrous an agitation.