St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-07-30
PEOPLES IRREGULARITIES,


more so. Those afflicted with that hope
less disease known as practical joking
get less practical and more "iokified."
That is word | admire, because it is
so eminently suitable. What mistake
IL would have been if Mr.. Noah, Mr..
Moses, or whatever gentleman invented
spelling, had commenced ''joker'' with
instead of jay. l suppose they
liked their own little sparks of wit, al
though no one would suspect it when
gazing on their stony Egyptian protiles
printed on Sunday school lesson leaf
Cross people get crosser in warm wealth
er, milder people milder, and bad-tem-
pered people have terrible fits of dis
temper
| | started to go to Minneapolis with a
friend who had very bad spells of alb
sent-mindedness. She is quite liable to
forget to wear her bonnet down, or will
put on Sealskin coat these dog days.
Once she sat at the table and fed the
year-old baby meat, potatoes, ice cream
ana cucumbers. and then insisted that
she had eaten them herself, and actually
had cholera morbus from the dose. L
knew she would bear careful watching,
and all went well-eXcept she walked in
the street instead of the Sidewalk-until
we reached the union depot. First, only
my prompt interference prevented her
from checking her hand bag and trying
to carry her trunk. After averting this
elephantine catastrophe we proceeded
no hot Ia
hand for the ticket, when to my indies
crlbable establishment what did this
aosent-mlnded creature do but put her
dalntlly gloved paw into his, asked him
10 excuse her glove, deliberately gave
his hand hearty, whole-souled shake
ana then sailed calmly on, utterly I'M
conscious of her mistake. There was
the gateman looking like a wilted-92
degrees-abOye-in the shade tiger lilly
pinching himself osee if he was awake.
whilst hid my embarrassment in the
Ice cooler and tried to look as if she did
not belong to me.
took trip down the river with a
Well-known citizen who is quite Joker
III quiet way. Further down the river
drummer boarded the boat and pro-
ceeded to make himself very obnoxious
by MS familiarity and prying qualities.
lie strongly resented interference in
his own affairs, aud went so far as TO
request one man TO mind his own bus
mess" That evening he stood with his
BACK turned to chair. whereupOn lay
the lighted stump of a cigar. AS
AS he was pomponsly fi0urishing bis
coat tails about, one of them came
i'll contact with the spark. The owner
OF the unfortunate coat tails was argu-
ing so holly that he did not feel the heat
from his burning coat until il had
burned to his waist. He made dive
Tor tub of water standing near and i'll
his excitement tumbled into it bodily.
He eXtinguished his coat tails. but made
his anger burn fercely. He turned
angrily to my friend. "Why didn't you
tell me L was on fire, he growled.
''1hey were not my coat tails" he
calmly replied, land never interfere
with strangers affairs.' The drummer
sought his stateroom. presumably for
dry garments or TO escape the derisive
laughter which followed him.
Another story is told of this same
joking friend. a lawyer friend of his
left town for few days visit. 81 will
not leave any insl ructions at the post
Office about forwarding my mail if you
will just look in my box for me every
day" Certainly" said the major.
The lawyer returned home sooner than
be had expected, very much excited
about the non-arrival of any mail. 1t
was too late to go the postoffice so he
made his way directly to the major
You didn't forward amy of my
mall" he cried, where is it?'
I'm your postoffice box" calmly
replied the major as he let out
a ring of smoke. II did exactly as YOU
requested; rain or shine, L have tramped
to that box and looked in. | take
great amount of credit to myself for not
missing a single day, and you will find
it safe in the box" "Why didn't you
forward it?" asked the lawyer, Don't
get excited my friend" said the major,
looking surprised, you only asked me
TO look IN the box; you said nothing
about removing It," When the lawyer
repeats this tale he explains that he
ought to have known that the major
would do almost anything for joke.
One night the major purchased a new
macintosh and gaily set off for his
club, with it tucked snugly under his
arm. After awhile it began to pour,
but the majors wife quieted her fears
that her husband would get the rheuma-
tism, by the remembrance of that rub
Der coat. He came in about 10 O'Clock,
soaking wet. Where is your rubber
cloak?" cried his astoniShed wife. the
major produced it, perfectly dry, from
under his wet CLOTH coat. Now, look
here" he said, Indignantly, you didn't
really suppose l was going to get that
nice new coat all wet the first night l
wore it, did you?"
do you see that man going down
Seventh street, wearing peculiar suit,
that looks as if it was manufactured
from pressed paper" inquired a COM
panion as we got off a car. well |
had the painful and harassing details
Of the evolution of that suit from re-
spectacle hand-me-down to its present
disreputable checker board appearance.
That fellow hasn't been married very
long. He has always been in the habit
of keeping the crease in his trousers
looking new, by placing the said trous-
ers between the mattresses every night.
This is great scheme and he told his
bride how he was accustomed to de-
ceive the confiding public. She told
him how she thought one of the most
important wifely duties was to keep
a husbands clothes in order. darn bis
socks and brush his boots Quite a
sensible little woman. She undertook
20 keep those trousers in continual
state of newness. That night she I'M
ndertook to put them under the mat
tress as instructed, but. alas! their brand