St. Paul daily globe., 1893-02-19
WASHINGTON UP TO DATE.

uCSilo W give tilc puUitC tiO UcHtUt
of few facts about the careerof George
Washington. l have CLEANED these
facts after long and Iaborious research,
and am quite confident that they have
been hitherto quite unknown to history.
1t has become very common for differ
ent authorities to disagree as to the
birthplace of the same individual. / am
not sure how the ancienrS managed it,
and maybe Julius C8Sar'S ghost has had
many laugh over our latest histories,
and been somewhat perplexed and as
tonished to learn that be was born in
three places on the same day. But he
is not the only astonished ghost; most of
our prominent ancestors performed the
same remarkable feat. When | discov-
cred that Dante, Homer and Jerry
Simpson had each been assigned several
birthplaces. felt grleved and hurt to
think how the Father of Our Country
had been sighted. But | feel relieved
since l have heard that a few eminent
historians are pulling hair over the
place Of his nativity. AS l have Only
four hairs that l could possibly spare, [
cannot afford to be drawn into the Con-
troyersy. Maybe they are right and he
was born at Salt Lake City or Oshkosh,
but draw the line at Boston, because
| have it from the bast authorities that
he never wore glasses nor tried to look
more intellectual than he was.
xxx
l cannot give you his mothers maiden
name. never having heard much about
her. | am not sure that he had one, but
presume he did, from the fact that his
father was very bald.
wv
How our childish illusions suffer as
we grow older! 1t was but few years
ago that the teacher asked us who
George Washington was" and the en-
tire class replied aS with one voice:
"P1eaSe, 'um, he was the boy what
chopped down his fathers cherry tree,
and bis father caught him before he
could throw away his hatchet and make
up lie" YeS, yes, but what else did
he do?'' But none of us knew, that was
too deep question. And now we learn
that cherry trees did not grow on e..
WIS pas ranch. and hatchetS were at a
premium and mostly used by the natives
to remove our forefather'S top knots
from said forefathers heads to decorate
their own belts.
NIX
When George had performed on the
chestnut, alias cherry tree, he passed
safely through the stages of Indian
hunting. pirate-sailing, green apple
eating, cholera-morbus-bo and
arrived at years of discretion. That is
all expression that historians are very
fond OF, but do not think it applicable
in this case, for one of the first things
that he did to show that the expression
didn't tit was to marry widow. A
singularly dangerous thing to DO, as
can prove by Sammie Weller. After
she has killed off one husband, how can
a man ever feel safe? OF course l am
not acquainted with the particulars:
not being alive at the time | couldn't
inquire amongst the nelghbors to find
out if the action was justifiable. 1t
would be charity to let some husbands
get away to the land where 'there is no
marrying or giving in marriage"
-XXX-
Mr. Washington had few bad habits.
He did not sing, drink anything stronger
than whisky nor chew. [ never heard
of his writing his name anything but
plain George Washington. Had he lived
century later he would probably have
signed his checks &c. Pocahantus
Washington" and thereby lost his
credit. 1t isn't safe TO trust a man who
insists upon sighting his first name.
He smoked cigarettes when boy, but
gave that habit up. | cannot positively
state whether he had premonition of
P. III. Keliy's cigarette bill or whether
like nineteenth century unSuspecting
innocentS. he got hold OF one into which
some giddy eighteenth century daugh-
ter-of-the-revolution cigarette girl had
inserted garlic and lock of her hair
81 lNn I,Ot- ri ntl lnp
gradients OF the deadly cigarette. 8.
NIX
Before he took the job of president he
was a civil engineer, and learned to
carry the chain very gracefully. have
searched in vain for evidence to the
contrary, and am unable to find any, SO
feel at liberty to state that he plated st.
Paul. l am not so sure about Minneapo-
lis, having heard that st. Anthony was
somehow mixed up with that.
-XXX-
Sixteen swords are preserved with
which he fought at the battle of Brandy
wine. To carry them all fear he must
have had as many arms as st. jerome
had big toes, or Adam graves.
NIX
stopped at NeWburg-on-the-H Hudson
few years ago and played Oh Martha
WashnngtOn's spinet, much to my own
delight and the care-taker'S despair.
Only two keys would work, and have
forgotten what tune | played. but |
think it was Comrades"
NIX
If any one wishes to read the same
old cut-and-dried history of George
Washington, | can refer them to the
Encyclopaedia Britannica. Strange to say,
the English know all about him and,
think, appreciate his character, even if
they do think it 80 clevah, you know
to pretend they can't recall his name,
and insist upon referring to him as
Johnny Washington" e. II. r.