The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1893-09-08
HICKS PATENT COOKER.
The Pathetic Story That Induced
the Rector to Buy.


to my paytent cooker" said the mild
hammered man with the soft low voice
10 the rector of St Bartholomew. 1T
consists, as mebbe you can sec"
But | don't desire a cooker, and
would not look at one IL l did," inter
rupted the rector of st. Bartholomews
T. as irascible manner as is permitted
- his cloth
"They come in three sizes" contiu-
ucd the mild-mannered man with the
soft low voice-''small, mejum and
large. They're made of tin, genuwine
block tin, not rolled tin. have fre
quently been congratulated on the
quality of my tin. Said Bishop Dobson
to me: Hicks, congratulate you on
the quality OF your tin"
Bishop Dobson?' gueried the rector
Of st. Bartholomew with languid in
terest. 81 don't remember to have seen
his name in the church calendar"
''Methody," explained the mild-man-
nered man. I'm Methody. Here's
a certificate from my pastor saying I'm
an individooal of moral character and
use good tin in my cookers. Here's
letter from Rev. Edward Atkins-but
don't set much store by that, bein' as
he is Baptis', and no judge of tin.
The principle on which my cooker is
based"
you will have to excuse me-" said
the rector of st. Bartholomew, look
ing hard at the heavy gold watch pre-
birthday, but I have q sermon TO
write"
'Mebbe your lady would like to see
the cooker" said the mild-mannered
man. ITS made of genuwine block
tin, and Bishop Dobson himself said:
Hicks, l congratulate you on the quail
ity Of your tin"
~ have no wife" said the rector
with the merest suspicion of blush.
"Then buy cooker and git one" said
the mild-mannered man, confidentially.
With Hicks paytent cooker as an
srgumint, you will git one easy. They
come in three sizes-snall mejurn and
arge. This here is the smali one.
Folds all up, you see, like telescope,
Mebbe you wouldn't believe it, but one
of them small-szed cookers saved my
life once. 1t was in the spring of 1853,
or the fall Of 1852, or the winter of
1884, | don't remember which and it
don't make no difference, that Rev. DIR.
James Wilyums, D. D., and took pas
sage for Africky in the brig Thomas J.
Walkup, goin as missionaries to some
of the numerous cannibal tribes that
keeps down the population, and conse-
quently accounts for the depressed
values of real estate in the Dark Con-
tinent. Rev. DR., Wilyuins was to teach
the savages religion, but my mission
was more important one. was to
introduce Hicks paytent cooker among
'em. You can see that even this large
sized cooker won't hold q man, to say
nothin' of the nejum and small
ones. Now I calculated to teach the saw
ages to use my cookers, and when they
got 50 attached to 'em as to never eat
nothin' except what was cooked IN
cooker-seein' that you couldn't cook a
man in 'em--cannibalism would natur-
ally die out When brosehed my plan
TO Bishop Dobson his eyes shone and he
said: Go, Hicks, 20. Your work will
supplement the work of Rev. Dr.. Will
yums. I heartily commend your plan.
SAA . Wig SsoAStC ySu OAl Sh0 QuoAlVy
OF your tin Them was his words, and
I went
well, sir. the mornin' after I ar-
rived in Africky began to talk to the
chief about my cooker. wAsn what
does he do but take me down to the
lesdin grocery store Of the town and
show me Rev. DR. Wilyums chained up.
Can you cook HIM? axed the chief.
No. said I, my breath all gone
with surprise at the turn affairs had
took C
"'Well,' said the old chief, 'them's
the kind Of victuals we eats We don't
consume much In tle way of breakfast
foods, infants foods and the like. II
your cooker can't cook our style Of pro-
visions we amt got any use for it.
"And with that they put me in their
Jail, and that was the last ever seen
or heerd Of Rev. DR.. James Wilyums,
ID. ID. They would have ct me at once,
but the chiefs daughter, Ugogina, fell
in love with me. and made 'em put off
the obsequies or festivities, according
as you looked at II from my stand
point or the savages'. l talked nice to
Ugogina, and got her TO bring me my
small-sized cooker, the only one the old
witch doctor what kept the cookers
would let her have; and with that !
cooked them savages the finest kinds of
victuals they ever eft, and they set me free
and made me royal cook, and the chief
kinder smiled indulgently at the way
Ugogina was maxim up TO me. so you
see the small.si sized cooker saved my
life"
"I'll buy the small size" said the
rector, hastily. II have sermon to
write"
Now you just take my advice and
git mejum size. You can afford it.
When you take that small-sized cooker
round to that young lady you're after,
when you ask her to marry you what'll
she thinkP Why, she'll say TO herself
that in buyin this small cooker you are
layin' out not TO ever have any com.
pauy TO meals, and II she In a 0irl that