The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1893-03-14
Mr.. Bilkins Unwell and Betsy "Sufferin'
with Nervous Illustration The
The Major has a Thrilling
Dream and RefateS II

B" Hello! Mr.. Editor"
R.-"HeIlo! Mr.. Bilkins. How arr
you and Mrs. Bilkins to day."
B-"Only tolerabIe. I'm sortel
sickly an Betsy hes bin rarin' an
pitchin' so much erabout the meane3s
the legislature done that she is s~ufferin
from nervous Illustration or someChin
ov that sort. Ireckin' I'll have ter send
fur the doctur an try an git h~erpatched
up in fghtin' trim ergin."
R.-"Of course. You should not
allow her to suffer if medical attention
will aid in her recovery"
B.-"That is ali so, but you don't
know nothin' erbOut bein' ~honpecked.
If I have Betsy cured up it will be like
warmth a frozen snake il yer buzzum
an then letzin' it bite yer ter death.
She is sorter docile an reckonsiIed now
while she is bad sick, but when she gifts
we'll she will raise the roof on Their
house an I viii go up with it. If I
could only keep OF goin' up l wouldn't
care a copper, fer l might find peace,
but if Betsy would see me startin' to
Heaven she would jump 50 feet high
an pull me back an gchold me fer
three days an mites on a stretch"
R-"It is pretty bad to be hen,
pecked. How do you ike the work of
the legislature2"
B.-"On!Ive quit study in erbout
that. It will put any honest man crazy
ter sit an think eTb-u6 the last legi-la-
ter fer half an hour. But 1 he'd a dreem
erbOut them the other mite an I looked
in the glass the fust thing the next
mornin' ter see if my hair hadn't
turned white"
R.-"Must have been a startling
dream. Tell me about it,"
B-"Well, 1 hadn't lowed ter say
anything about it, fer I thought every
body would say it wasn't SO, but III
tell you erbout it. Betsy had bin
quarelin' with me after supper the
other mite AMI went ter bed feelin' like
l didn't care if m0rnin' never come.
After while l dreemed I went ter the
place whut the smart Alexis call
'hades.' Old Nick was standin' at the
door al he says, hello. pardner, Amt
you frum North CaroIina?' You bet
L. You amt a member ov the
legislature, are you?' says he. No,
I, I've lived a purity uprite life
says L. Then he lowed 1 could come
in. l asked him what he knOwed erbout
the members ov the legislator. He
said, Well, erbOut a hundred ov the
ov the last legislator are here
now, an they say another squad will
be here before long Then Old Nick
lowed that they were purity nigh run
MIN him distracted with their doin's.
What are they doin'? said 1 Well,
said Old Nick, blamed if l know.
When they fu5t got here they lowed
l ought to have railroads an banks all
over my ranch, an they would charter
ten thousand if I wanted them. Then
they got ter holdin' night sessions an
cawkussin' an the other folks I've got
here complained ter me an lowed they
couldn't stand go much racket. After
while they got up a row erbout the
charter says Old Nick, an l
didn't know whUt that is, fer l amt
got no members ov the Alliance in here.
They cawkussed an made speeches an
said the Alliance had gone into poll
ticks an wuz buildin' up a third party
or sOmethin' Nv that sort. [ didn't
know nOthin' erbOut it, but [ kept quiet
until last night when they sent a com
mittee to tell me that my heatin' ap
paratus wasn't worth shuCks, an that
they were agOin' ter appropriate ten
million dollars ter buy birthstone fur
ter heat up things around here. | told
the committee ter tell the rest Ov 'em
that l he'd bin runnin' this business fer
several thousand years an nobody he'd
ever complained of bein' cold before.
Then they lowed l was i'd partisan
an was opposed to progress Of all
kinds"
by this time l was tickled ter deth.
[ Just wished fur Betsy ter be here ter
hear Old Nick tellin' how the members
Ov the legislator were Cuttin' I'D.
Erb0ut that time I seed them a comm
along lafin' an talkin' with their over
coats on an buttoned up. Old Nick
lowed that they imagined tibet he had
a penltentiary somewhere around an
they were wantin' ter make a raid on
1t. While he was watchin' them |
slipped out ov the door fer 1 wuz gittin'
too warm. 1 tell you I'm agoin' olive
uprite hereafter, fer I don't want ter
git mixed up in that crowd when | die.
| felt sorry fer Old Nick. When l left
he looked nifty pale. 1 expect they
will worry him to death. Good bye"