River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1893-09-28
sANpnlLL PHILOSOPHY
For the Benefit of the Newly Married Man
Who Wishes He Hadn't.

For the Benefit of the Newly Married Man
Who Wishes He Hadn't.
My dear newly-married young man.
have been there and know all about
IL. Although my hair-what was left
after my third wife got through with
it's now as white as the driven snow.
and / have only one old tooth to eat
my bread with, time was when was a
Jimmy-lu-lu, and could hold my own
with the rest of 'em.
know how il was with YOU You
got stuck on girl. That has been the
way with all of us. You began to love
almost at once. Nobody blames you.
Love is a curious thing. IL turns man
inside out and topside down without
his realizing that he has even busted a
suspender or lost a collar-button. ii
keeps him awake while policemen are
soundly sleeping, and it turns his taste
from huclSleberry pie to gum drops and
poetry Tie becomes tender He signs
He can't pass a straw-stack or hog
pen without sentiment bubbling up to
make him look around for autumn
leaves, fairies, four-leaved elovers and
other things with no market value to
speak of.
You pursue the object of your affec-
tions. Shed have YOU and jump at
the chance, and there is no need to
waste a months time over il, but that's
way we have all fallen into. We
linger by the wayside. We doubt-we
are jealous-we despair, when the girl
is all the time wondering why IN Tom
Jones we don't speak right up and
have done with il. Three times have /
loved, and that was invariably the pro-
gramme You finally marry. Ills
well. am little under the weather,
as remarked at the beginning, but
have had an eye on No. for some con-
siderable time back. You fondly be-
lieve that you have married the incest
woman on the face of the earth
You are even an ass long enough to
tell her SO and admit the fact to
your mother in law besides. You
vowed never To speak cross
word. You took your affiday never TO
have a secret from her. You were
clothes-pin enough to raise your paw
to Heaven and promise never to leave
her side for an hour after dark
After about four weeks-what? She
toes in when she walks. There are
freekles on her face and a mole on her
chin. Has opinions of her own and
Jaws back. Subject to headaches, teeth
want plugging, and is nightly sur
prised when she asks for fifty dollars
pin-money and you can't sell out. You
awake with start. You take a sud-
len drop from the top limb of romance
to the hard earth of reality. You take
walk around the block and kick YOUR
self as you go to see if it's you or some
other chap.
Now here is where ! want to come
IN. In the painful shock of your first
awakening don't do anything rash
Your first impulse will be TO throw
yourself madly against razor or waste
powder on your head, or precipitate
yourself into the water supply of your
town. Don't do it. Hang right on. as
the rest of us have done. Ii takes time,
my boy, to get used 10 the erratic ways
IF a mother-in-law. but the sooner YOU
lay yourself out to make study of
her, as you would "A war map. the
sooner you will detect her weak points
and make yourself solid. Fathers-in-
law also have their queer WAYS. Some
Of 'em are cheerfully willing to board
and clothe us and supply us with
ready cash as an offset for the
honor we have done the family
by marrying into it, while others don't
wait three days before cruelty hint
ing that we are expected to saw wood
and not spread the butter on too thick.
study the old man. If at any time
you discover hunted. despairing look
IN his eyes. il means that he is hard up
and wants TO borrow some cold cash.
That is your golden opportunity, and
lon't spoil it by asking for security.
About the time You received your
shock your young wife also got her
eyes opened. It's about an even thing.
Nature intended it that way 'as sort
IF a new basis to start from. Drop the
romance business. Drop the tootsy-
wootsy-ducl1y-goo-goo business. Cease
wanting TO die for her TO show the
iepth of your affection and come down
20 everyday life and post yourself on
he price o. pork and potatoes There
will be occasions when she will meet
YOU at the door with a kiss.
md there will be other occa-
ions when you will find her coopering
up the holes in the heels of your stock
ngs and wondering to herself why she
lidn't marry the other fellow Life
Ias got TO be taken on the average. INV
Geographically married life. If il was
al one way, like the handle on a jug.
we'd weary of the monotony. You'll
Iave misunderstanding and rows
You'll have sullSs and make-ups You'll
wish you hadn't and you'll be glad that
5Ou did. You'll live through it, how
ever, and il your head was properly
hinged by nature you'll even grow 70
as you grow old. Bless 'em, my boy
bless EN-, I'm over seventy. as I incl
lentally mentioned. but. yum. YUM
IN campaigning on the trail of No. 4.
md the track isn't over day oldl-De
roit Free Press.