The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1893-07-13
NOrA nENE
CONFESSIONS or A RHEUMATIC

A Picturesque Exposition of tho Feelings
Of sufferer From That Disease.
To he Editor Of The InteliGeeeT.
sIR;-I find the neutrality-suspicious.
editorial note in your issue Of this
morning; "Are funny texts SO scarce
that the funny fellows have to find one
in the Presidents rheumatism2 He
jests at rheumatism who never felt a
twinge."
You are right, AS speakers, appre.
ciating the intelligent applause OF an
auditor, often remark, II sec you have
been there" So have I. Hence these
few fearful reflections on the memory Of
q mournful past.
A man who has had q robust dose OF
rheumaticus intqmmatOris, (admlpistra-
ton Latln) and has refrained from
manning or killing his best friend who
comes to him with the iiendishly I'M
sympathetic expression, "0h, it isn't 80
bad as that, old man." while gazing ON
the ruins OF your once vigorous forth
tude, deserves an honorable place on
the exclusive pension rolls OF 'Hoke
Smiths 400"
When a fellow-sutEerer in this valley
of pain becomes an expert in rheuma-
| tism he knows in o slight degree how a
man feels when he is run through an
active and capable threshing machine,
or blown up with a business-like pow
der mill, aud yet lives to tell his beads
or recite the litany. More than that.
lie knows that the rack OF the Spanish
Inquisition was an amusement resorted
to when all other diversions had palled
on the assorted tastes Of man for even
in those ancient days the noble art OF
rheumatism was known. When an ami
able, %full-blooded person has become a
victim to the hospitality OF rheumatism
and tries to sleep off the effects, the
widest frenzy of mania.a.potu is a
vision OF paradise compared with his
dreams. Talk about surprises; rheuma-
tism can get there hours ahead OF "the
thief that cometh in the night" and,
more than that, stay there without the
merciful oblivion that follows the in
trusion Of the allegorical burglar. In
early days the skulking Indian always
found that sciatica and lumbago had
scuttled down the cabin chimney while
he was hammering at the door, and
were waiting to hand him the scalp OF
the victim when he forced IN entrance.
Rheumatics, like the varied accom-
plishments OF cleopatra, are impervious
TO time or custom for their infinite
variety. Strictly speaking rheumatism
is tho Worlds Fair OF pains-pGristyle,
cold storage, three.ringed circus, Wild
West and all, open all the year
round with no injunction to close it on
Sunday.
That life is always worth living" is
generally conceded to be u rational,
comfortable sentiment, but one is en-.
tirely ready to plume his wings when
bound by the Promethean tortures Of
the merciless vulturo rheumatism. And
this moves me TO observe incidentally
that the author OF that doletul dirge,
would not live Away,
Task not 10 stay
must have been a disciple Of Rheuma-
ticus.
Patience on u monument! All, dear
Patience, how quickly rheumatism
would jerk you off your pedestal and
make you throw bricks at your grand
mother or write u communication on
the SILVER question" "a friend
should bear with a friends infirmities,"
but he would better BIO distinctly and
numerously absent in the case OF rheu'
matism.
Patiencel There Is no such word in
the twinging lexicon Of rheumatics. !
know u friend OF mine, q bright, we'll
disposed young man, who was undergo
ing the fortunes OF tho damned-it the
damned arc ever punished TO such q
degree. He awoko with the awful
pains shooting through his limbs. He
had always been prayertully inclined,
but on this occasion the agony got the
better OF his devotional spirit, and
grasping his log with both hands he
howied out in u perfect frenzy, damn
YOU, II had a saw I'd saw you off,"
actually believe no would have done 1t
II the implement had been handy. Nc
ono knows tho strain until he has met
IL in d "~free.ior-all." It is enough to
mako a saint turn solemn songs into Il
service OF Boolzebub and tho ten com
mandments into the codo Of Satan.
Woo unto that PhRrisee who stand
eth aiar oil" and SCOTS at tho suffering
Of a rheumatic. His dies ira is sure tc
como, and then he will fall-not like {
dull thud, but with IN ominoua vlbra.
ton. As remarked about thousand
words previously, Mr.. Editor, l agree
with your sympathetic robuko, and viii
close this essay, like tho boy in his com
position on tho COW, by saying this !
MI | know about rheumatism. Isn't
enough2 A REFORMED RitnUMATic.
Wl4eling July II.