Alpena argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1893-1909, 1893-07-05

III pretty women were conductors
men wouldn't try to eyade the car
fair.-LowelI Courier.
The only man who can Guido IA
lawyer lying about suit is "A tailor.
- Philadelphia Record.
People speak of the face of a
note, when it's really the figure
that interests them. Sparks.
1.-THE pair crop is not "a failure"
said the dominic as he pocketed am
other wedding fee. Boston Cour-
ier.
This fur rug is very beau
tiful; to what beast does it be-
long?" He (candidly)-"To me. y
Jury.
The law is like the ocean. The
greatest trouble is caused by its
breakers. Rochester Democrat and
Chronicle.
"They are the closest OF friends,
Yes; | never knew one of them
to lend the other cent. t.'-kate
Fields Washington.
II would like" said the young
man, Ito leave little poem with
you" "All right" said the editor,
0thev usually get left. -. Atlanta
Constitution.
"Oh, dearest did you bring the
attachment for my diamond lock-
eti" "Well, no, precious! Don't
be alarmed, though; the Sheriff
may bring one."-New York Led
ger.
"We've got to economize," said
Mr.. Gargoyle to his wife. Very
we'll, dear. replied the good woman
cheerfully. You shave yourself
and I'll cut your hair. Brooklyn
Life.
Are you going to the fair?"
"If can afford it. | doubt if ]
can" why, your wife says she
is going" Yes, but pay her
expenses. | havn't anybody to pay
mine. Judge,
He--"Isn't it lovely here? We
couldn't have chosen u better place
for our HONEYMOON than this"
She-"No. | was just thinking
if | ever had another I'd have it
here. "--Harper's Bazaar.
Tramp-Hem! Good mornin,
mum. Nice dog you have, mum.
What dye call himY
Housekeeper-"He'll 90 to you
without calling, quick as loose
this chain. New York Weekly.
Citizen-"I saw big crowd
about your place last night. Were
you having a blowout over here?"
Hotel proprietor-"Yes. guest
from the Hazel-bush reservation
blew out the gas and the gas retail
lated. FIX.
II have just learned the differ
ence between vase, II vahs and a
vauze." "How do you distinguish
them?" Anything that costs less
than fifty cents is a vase; between
fifty cents and 81 is a vahs; over
81 is a vauze. New York Herald.
Mrs. Newfad-"You must meet
Mr.. Risibles, Maggie-the great
humorist. He is perfect gentle
man. Why, do you know, he told
me this evening that he never
laughed at his own jokes, except
aS an act of politeness to himself.
Puck.
CITY Editor-"You've got the
account of that woman's suffrage
meeting, have you. What's that
big roll of paper under your arm?"
Reporter-"What they said at the
meeting" City Editor-"And that
slip of paper you are twirling in
your fngers?' Reporter -"What
they did. Buffalo Courier.
Clerk in eating house (reading
newspaper er)--"Here's a new recipe
for making chicken pie" Propri-
etor-"Let's hear it, Clerk
Zone chicken" Proprietor
"That'll do. It's clear the fellow
who wrote that doesn't know any
thing about cooking. Chief.
At the Worlds Fair-"Mandy,
do you not notice any change in
my eyesP" Mandy-"No, Josiah;
why" 1--WE been lookin' at this
clock exhibit for half an hour, and
all these little cards say hands off
an | can see 'em just as plain as
day on the faces of the clocks. "
Inter Ocean.
Mrs. Watts-"Oh. we had sach
a time at home last night! Mr..
Watts thought there was a burg
lar in the house, and he got his re-
volver, and it went off, and the
ball went right through my hair"
Mrs Pottsl"Indeed. And were
you anywhere in the vicinity when
II happened?" Indianapolis Jour
nal.
| ----------------
Prominent Citizen crushing into
Oklahoma hotel)-"Tanner, your
little son, Theobald, who is over at
his aunt's, got his uncle's gun down
Just now an shot Preacher Harps
in the leg"
Landlord Tanner (proudly, to
recently arrived tenderfoot. "Only
think, stranger; the little fellow