The Newtown bee., 1893-09-15
Did You Ever Hear Of Such An Unprecedented Crop Of
 Statesmen

outside the halls of Congress pro- ducing thIs year? It's wonderful and at the | same time it's cruel the way these great minds nave silently suffered and lain dormant all these many years, just because we have had no great national calamity or financial crisis like the present to bring them out. Now you meet an acquaintance on board railroad train and the first thing he does, after the us ual exchange Of weather signals and forecasts, is to entertain you with his ideas upon the silver question and the tariff, national banks. immigration. He summarizes all the nnan cial troubles of this and other countries from the landing of Columbus down. He explains the technical phraseology ot cOugI esSional terms: Bimetalism monometalism, demoni- tization, coinage of the seigniority, parity ot metals subsidiary coinage and tine hundred and one words and phrases unfamiliar to the layman's ear are dissected torn to pieces and
 anaIyz9Ga before you nhtl you are e. m mate o
 impression upon you that he should under
 take to prove that in some sections Of the
 country water naturally runs up hil2 and min-
 lsterS go gunninS, you couldn't successfully
 refute 1t. You feel in his presence like
 broken legged mouse in the cage of the
 Numidian lion and while the train is passing your station he is Smothering you with mass ot carefully gathered statistics concern ing the output and the coinage, the increase here and the decrease there, the ratio ot Is to l, the merchantable and the monetary value ot gold and silver in every nation under the sun from King Solomon's time down to the present, until when you leave him at the next station and mechanically start to walk back, you wonder that the world has not ceased tt | exist dong ago. You have heard so much and grasDed so little you are completely dazed. You don't know whether you are 8 | mushroom or toadstool, a man or q wooden | Indian on wheels,s whether you have really never been endowed with sound reasoning powers like your fellow man, or whether you | have suffered stroke of paralysis or been drinking. The newspapers are filled With let | ters of advice and caution from John Jones l and Nehemiah Blowhard, but we have looked | leyville. Now this is too bad, ii statesmen ! are in demand we want to walk up lnanfully | and furnish our quota. We want to have something said and done that will bring Flaw 1eyyIie into national repute. Imbued with this spirit and filled with valuable informa- ton and pointers ingeniously extracted from our friends during the last few days, we sat down this morning to write and make public | d few ideas that we thought would astonish the worlu and indirectly put an end to it's senseless panic, but we fortunately or unfor- tunately got to reading the advertising col | umns Ot 8 few ot our city and country news papers and we find that we are way be-
 hind the tmes-an exaggerated second
 % 4 mossbacE, m regular reg rnoie old fossil g 'i let.
 ter of recommendation and advice from
 as governors pardon the second day after
 the hanging. All onr strictly original ideas quart ot liquid dirt-destroyer for cents, fOul for quarter, has used his quarter column and
 addressed an open letter to President Cleye
 land, in which he states very clearly and con
 eisely just where the present financial trouble
 started, whats the remedy, and how to aVoIo it in the future, etc. In another column the | Bohemian pickle man tells how the ratio o Is to will affect the future prosperity of the
 country, stunt the growth of cucumbers,s ,stim Il
 tor picking purposes, and bring premature | gray hairs in sorrow into the wOrkingman's
 bread and butter, etc. The flour man. the fur
 niture man, the clothes pin man, and the shot man, are not to be outdone, and they have ad dressed open letters to Cleveland, to his cabi net, and even Mrs Cleveland and Baby Ruth
 Every point that requires deep thought ha
 been covered by these men, and our hlgi
 hopes and ambitions settle down, down awa1 below the freezing point. If you was ever Chinaman and had your queue cut oil and los
 caste among your countrymen, you knoY
 about how fellow feels when his hard earnet
 statesmanship is taken from him. Ther
 seems absolutely nothing left for us to do bu
 to quietly suffer martyrdom and keep right ol
 selling furniture at Hawleyyille, but perhaps
 dear reader, you don't know where HaWiey vile is. We'll, if you go anywhere from any where, on the cars, you have to go sthroug
 IHawleyville and an admirable system of cor
 or two go the rest of the way on foot. Flaw Ileyyil1e is a big place for a small one, it's Ih home ot BAKERS Furniture establishment and the birth place and nursery ground of tn
 new religion, the -Four Fold Gospel" Tn
 j"Little Jordan" rolls through it to the mort
 till it's consecrated waters mingle with tn
 noble Housatonic. Oul great north frog pond tproduce more pol1ywogs and bigger snappin
 I turtles than any other place, excepting o course Lake Kenosllf. We are fairly cut ou on sta1eSmanShip, but we are right in it O
 ipollywogs, turtles, the new gospel, and tnrn
 tnre. Some ot these things you can't find l
 the city at any price, and they tell us we hay lots of novelties iii the furniture line tha don't hit some of the cities until after we ge
 the second edition. Come and look us cvel