St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-02-26
OUR MAIDEN AUNT.

/ bidlidtlOll vi tilc WOIuS, ''iledlUSSS, OfueT
and method" Most of US are afflicted
with just such afemale member of our
family, sometimes it is mother-in-law.
sometimes grandmother OF an ancient
sister, but they are all the same. Con
sequently this is a tale of woe which /
should be read with profound SYM
patty. particularly by the male in
habitants of st. Paul.
-e-
We had one visit from her after our
marriage, and since then had headed
her off from repeating it by every i'm
aglnable excuse, amongst them diph-
liberia, funeral, visit from my mother,
and every other lie we could invent;
but, oh {! fatal moment of absent-mind-
ednesS, We had made our son Tommy
have the measles three times in one
winter, and she grew suspicious and
Thought it would be so nice to surprise
dear viii and Nellie, and help with the
house-cleaning that must be so neces-
Sary after such siege of sickness"
One day l went down to business the
happiest of mortals. little thinking OF
the sword suspended over my head. and
returned to my grief-stricken home to
find that the dreaded event had hap
pened, or rather arrived.
O.
Dear aunty had already cleaned the
kitchen pantry, and, as | was about to
commend her energy, Tommy piped mp
with Tommy thinks these is awful
funny Biscuits" SO did Tommy's papa
think the pudding was funny" to say
the least; we called in our hitherto
efficient handmaiden and demanded an
explanation, which she couldn't give,
but went out muttering something about
''auld ladies intarferrin'." My wife
afterwards found out that Aunt Martha
had thought the flour tin too small for
the flour, but just right for the buck
wheat. so had changed them; and the
corn starch box more suitable for the
baking powder; so we had buckWheat
biscuit and baking powder blanc
mango, two dishes which [ would not
advise anybody to try. | whispered to
Nell 10 lock up the rat poison. and fin
ished my supper on honey, which seemed
to be the only safe thing on the table.
If there is one thing do enjoy it Is NY
after-dinner smoke in the twilight;
went into the library and felt OH the
mantle for my pipe, smash went vase;
thought how extremely stupid of me-
to feel Oh the wrong end OF mantle
where my pipe had been for four years;
felt on the other end, smash went an
other vase. Suddenly it came over me
that "Aunt Martha thought vases more
suitable mantle ornaments than nasty
pipes" In despair | turned in the dark
TO throw myself in my easy chair which
always stood by the table, and went
head over heals Oh to the floor, bumped
my nose and tore my coat. L lit match
and found all the furniture arranged
primly around the wall; "she doesn't
believe in having the middle OF the
room all cluttered up"
| wondered when she was going home.
gave up the smoke and went up stairs
to see if Nell was ready for the theatpr,
aud found her sitting in the middle of
the floor. completely surrounded by
bags, bundles and boxes, her face the
picture of despair. Aunt Martha
thought it was time to pack things away
from the moths and has packed all your
coats, and | can't find my bonnet any
place" While she was hunting for the
bonnet, began to dress and hoped that
coat would turn up. Great horror! all
my good shirts and collars were gone,
and only a frayed and weary lot (Which
[ had been trying to forget owned)
were left. Nellie explained in poll par
| rot accents THAT Aunt Martha Thought
it extravaganza not to wear out your old
clothes first, and had laid away my new
ones" Having finally rescued shirt,
q coat and a very diiapidated bonnet,
we arrived at the theater III time to see
the end of the second act.
We had been seated but a few minutes
when we noticed that the people around
us began to look uncomfortable, and
eyed us suspiciously. AT last | couldn't
stand it any longer, and whispered to
| Nell to find out what it meant. She
didn't know, but suddenly began to get
RED. and. leaning over, giggled out,
"Oh, Will (ha! haD, forgot to take (ha!
ha - the carbOlc moth balls out of your
pockets, and they smell horribly" l
wonder my look Of Indignation didn't
| wither her. We didn't stay through the
play, but hurried home in time to see
our son and heir sitting on the nursery
| floor, surrounded by broken bottles,
| castor oil all over the carpet,
remedies in his lap. and bottle of blue
| vitrol clasped in one hand, while he cou
tent edly munched a piece OF rock candy
| spread with vaSeline. We always keep
| the medicine chest at the top of the cup
| board out of his reach. but Aunt Martha
| had been up there and thought it would
| be SO much more convenient oh the
| lower shelf if we wanted it in hurry,
| with the above results. l turned Sternly
| to Nellie, who was weeping over Tom
| my's narrow escape. How long is our
relative going to stay?" Only tomor-
row. That is the reason she
has done so much work to-
day. then alphabetically. "She
is very energetic" simply re-
peated her last word, but don't think
| the tone. Next morning / explained
| that business would be so urgent Il
would not be able TO come home to
| luncheon. 1t was the first time in our
married life, but thought Nellie would
understand. and, taxing her aside, L
| told her not to let Tommy out OF her
| sight for a minute and to watch the
| yctuals. | arrived down town an hour
earlier than usual, and had to loaf until
| business hours; Aunt Martha had set
| all the clocks ahead, thought it better
| to bs early than late. | never had been
| late.
We have been three weeks recovering
| our usual happy-g0-luckv disorder, and
| sundry gloves, stove hooks aud dishes
have never been found. That aunt mad
mania FOR changing every thing she
saw-Which was her idea of Urder-and
| | am sure she felt inSulted at not being
allowed to change all the lamp posts and
street car tracks. The last momento OF
her presence was when fell over a
| barbed wire fence with which she had
surrounded the garden to keep off dogs
there are no cannes in our nelghbor-
hood. | tore my pants, destroying my
| temper and swore [ would keep her off
| next year if l had to burn down the
house or make Tommy have the small
| pox. E. II. r.