Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-01-19
HUMOR OF THE WEEK.
STORIES TOT D BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Many Odd, Curious, and LAuRhablo
Phases Of Human Nature Graphically
Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists OF
Our own Day.

JAesoN says the race in life Is not
to the fast. -Elmira Gazette.
If man stays at home nights he
will not be found out, --Plcayune.
JOHNNY, give me proverb." "Am-
putatlon is the thief OF legs. Harp
er's Bazaar.
The manager of an opera is justi-
fed in putting on" airs, --Yonkers
Statesman.
A GERMANTOWN man advertises
for "a sharp boy to cut wood. -
Philadelphia Record.
MANY man makes a failure Of
life by trying to get along with his
kn.-Atchison Globe.
A FRIEND of ours has named his
horse "Nail," because his wife cannot
drive him.-RoseIeaf.
No MEAN man has a right to wish
he had never been born. Let other
people do that for him!-Picayune.
MRS MCGLoNE says she can never
trust her husband out Of sight I'M
less she is with him. Boston Trans
cript.
BAD boys are very promising young
sters just before being laid over the
parental knee. --Glens Falls Repub-
lican.
THERE is a brick famine in Chi
cago, Notwithstanding that the beer
saloons are in full blast. Chester
News.
The astronomers could tell more
about the comet If they could only
get onto its curves. philadelphia
Record.
WHENEVER there is a subject to be
discussed the deaf-mutes generally
have a finger in it. -Binghamton
Leader
THERE are not few ciphers In so
ciety who think themselves good
enough figures for the german. -Bos-
ton Transcript.
as Miss HINoTE a good singer"
"She must be, Every other girl in
the choir seems to dislike her. -
Washington Star.
Il FIND it is always best to keep
COOL" said the snow. Exactly" re-
piled the sidewalk, Il catch your
drift. Washington Star.
"A MAN cannot be expected to
stand in his own light" said the gas
company stakeholder who burned
candles. Washington Star.
AUTHok-Why won't you purchase
my play? There's money in it. Man
ager-Ah! but l should want to get
money out Of it.-Pick-Me. Up.
WHAT do you do here?" asked a
visitor to the dime museum dwarf.
II amuse the public in small way"
replied the little man. Detroit Free
Press.
al UNDERSTAND that all you bagged
on your hunting trip was pair Of
trousers. well, they were duck
trousers, anyway" - indianapolis
Journal.
HUSBAND Ito wife from BOSTON,
"You never find any blue stockings in
the Prince of Wales set" Wife
(strong- minded)-"No, blue is not a
fast color. Life.
The big beer syndicate has hardly
been formed with view to raising
the price. Beer will continue going
down no matter what happens. -
Philadelphia Times
PERTHsHIRE MISSIONARY Ito poor
and motherless boy)-"But why is
your father not steady?" Boy Tehect-
ively)-"Cause he's got wudden
leg. Dundee Courier.
WIFE Ito her husband)-I say, my
dear, how badly the tailor has put
this button on your waistcoat! This
Is the fifth time | have had to sew it
on again. -Bauren Kalendar.
PRESBYTERIAN, are you, Ed1e?'
said the elderly relative. UNITED
Presbyterian" "N-not yet, auntie,
whispered the blushing Ellie, "but
I'm engaged. Chicago Tribune.
NOT IN BosToN.-"She's fine
girl. No flummery. A straight up,
and-down philanthropist." But
don't like these straight up-and-dowr
girls. They're bad form. Puck.
A SWEET little 4-year-old added
this clause to her evening petition
the other night: "And please hell
grandma not to talk so much wheI
the pies get burned. "--Boston T.av
eller.
"BRoTHER, says a Georgia editor
don't stop your paper just becaus
YOU don't agree with the editor. Tn
last cabbage you sent US didn't agre
with us either, but we didn't drOl
you from our subscription list on tina
account. New York Tribune.
NOT good subjects; First boy iii
art gallery All these historical
pictures is about foreign countries
Why don't the artists plint picture
of American history? Second boy
l guess it's cause Americans Away
KEEP thur clothes on.-Good News.
, RELIABLE DATA say, Anna, m
husband came home very late las
a., night; can you tell me what time
WASP" "Please, ma'am, don't knoN
exactly; but when got up this morn