The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1893-09-19
FACT, FANCY AND FUN.

stone will bear the inscription: ITO
the glory OF God and in memory Of Jay
Could" 1t should read: Though in
memory Of Jay Gould. boston Pilot.
Physician with ear to patients
chest,)-"There is a curious swelling
over the region of the hear sir, which
must be reduced at once"
Patient (anxiously, )-"That swelling
is my pocket-book, doctor. Please
don't reduce it too much"
1t has hitherto been the law in
Japan that IL a woman was not married
by u certain age the authorities picked
her. The Mikado has just abandoned
this usage. In future japanese women
will be allowed to live and die maids,
as in European countries.
"A judge, in crossing the Irish
channel one stormy night, knocked
against q well-known witty lawyer,
who was suffering terribly from sea-
sickness. "Can l do anything for YOU ="
said the Judge. Eyes" gasped the
seasick lawyer. 81 wish your lordship
would overrule this motion"
Hobbs and Dobbs were discussing
men who stammer. "The hardest lob
l aver had" said Hobbs, "was to UNI
derstand a deaf and dumb man who
hammered. How can a deaf n
dumb man Stammer?" asked Dobbs.
" Easily enough" replied Hobbs, :" he
had rheumatism in his fingers"
"A good advertisement in a news
paper pays no fare or railroads costs
nothing for hotel bills gives away no
boxes of cigars to customers, or silk
whiskey under the head of travelling
expenses, but goes at once md all the
time about It's business, free of charge.
Miss JOY" Madam, Mr.. Foster
has come to take me for a drive; NAV
l go, madam ?" Madam" You know,
Miss Joy, the rules of Vassar do not
allow it unless you are engaged-are
you engaged to Mr.. Foster? ?" Miss
Joy (doubtfully)-"N -no, but If YOU
will let me go | shall be by the time
we get back"
"A cunning young man, unmarried.
attended a wedding in the country the
other evening ; and, after the cere-
mony was over, he suggested to u young
lady present that he and she sing
More to follow" The young lady,
however, said she preferred to sing
Just as am" The young man re-
manned quiet the rest of the evening.
Mr.. Plummer-"I just found my
hat on the refrigerator. l wonder on
what ridiculous thing I will find it
~snext."
Mrs. Plummer-"Pr Probably on your
head, dear"
And Mrs. Plummer smiled sweetly
as Mr.. Plummer slammed the door and
rushed down stairs.
If celery were eaten freely sufferers
from rheumatism would be compare
lively few. 1t is a mistaken idea that
cold and damp produce the disease
they simply develop it. Acid blood is
The primary and sustaining cause. If
celery is eaten largely, an alkaline
blood is the result and where this
exists, there III be neither rheuma-
tism nor govt. 1t should be eaten
cooked.-Boston Globe.
Edward M. Green, San Francisco,
has designed a novelty for the mid
winter Fair to be held in that city,
which he hopes will rival the Eifei
Tower and the Ferris wheel. 1t is Al
colossal statue of justice, $50 feet
nigh, supporting an immense pair of
scales, the eXtremities of which are
cars holding fifty people each. The
beam is a truss 300 feet long, oscillat-
ing like u walking beam, thus lifting
the cars to a height of $50 feet.
A popular captains wife was more
tn m usually anxious over the safety of
her husband, and accordingly handed u
parish clerk q slip M Sunday morn
ing, bearing the words Captain Will
son, having gone to sea, his wife de-
s!res the prayers of this congregation
on his behalf" Unfortunately, by the
displacement of the comma after the
sea" the congregation we're told that
Captain Wilson having gone to see
his wife, desires the prayers of this
congregation on his behalf"
Some years ago a Senator entirely
inexperienced in Legislation, was sent
from one of the newly created West
ern States. Standing in a little group
OF Senators somo weeks after the
opening of Congress, one of them
asked him what his impressions were
OF the Senate when he first entered it..
he answered, 81 wondered how | ever
got here"
The Senator then asked him, "Well
what are your Impressions now ?"
His answer was, 81 wonder how IL
of you ever got here"
"A gentleman residing in a house
somewhat back from the road in a
nelghboring town, being greatly
troubled by tramps, paid them a hand
some donation to keep him from being
annoyed by others. The tramp placed
certain cabalistic signs on the fence at
the entrance, and the gentleman was
no longer mOlested.
Some time after he saw a tramp
studying the signs, and offered him
half a dollar to tell what they meant.
which the tramp did, as follows: "A
mean cuss lives here, with an ugly
dog don't call"
Mrs. Henderson has q family of
nine children, and the skeleton in her
house Is in the shape of q stocking bas-
ket which is never empty. With this
specter before her eyes she said, play
iully, IN response to q question from
her maid-of-all work, as to what she
supposed would be the duties required
in the next world:
WELL, for one thing, | am quite
sue we shan't have to darn stockings
alter 10 o'clock at night, Bridget"
"Shure an that's thrue for YOU.
ma'am," replied the sympathetic
Bridget, for all the pictures of an
gels that liver | saw was bareftted."
One evening Patti. having taken q
slight cold, found herself hoarsc, and
requested Brigno.i to apologize. The
curtain rose, and Brignoli said that
Madame Patti requested him TO saw
that she very much regretted it. but
that she was u little horse" The
audience began to laugh, and when the
astonished Brignoli repeated the state
ment that the Madame Patti was q
" little horse" tho theatre rano with