The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1893-05-27
WAS TOO CANDID.
A RenOrfef's Account of We'd
ding Which Made the Edf-
tors Hair Curl.

Now" said the editor of the
Quohosh Genius of Liberty to his
reporter, sin your work / shall
look for calm, dispassionate state
ment of fact. My paper is noted
for its veracity, and no exaggera-
ton is allowed on any subject. Do
you think you understand that
clearly ?"
"Yes, sir"
Then you may attend the Skim
gullet-Dumsquizzle wedding, which
takes place at noon today, and Pll
gee how you handle it," said the
editor, turning to his desk.
This is what the new reporter
handed in after the festivities were
over:
at is the custom Of most news
papers, in giving accounts of local
weddings, to speak of the bride as
beautiful, even if she is as ugly as
d mud fence. The Genius of Liber-
ty scorns such hattery, however. If
a woman is beautiful, we hesitate
not to say so, but if she is not it is
not our fault. We proclaim the
fact. We wish we could say that
Miss Melinda Dumsquizzle, who
became Mrs. Dennis Skimgullet at
noon today, was lovely in form and
feature, but we cannot. While we
have seen uglier girls, it must be con-
coded byal impartial observers that
brickdust hair and a multitude of
freckles do not look we'll on a
bride. However, she did the best
she could under the circumstances
in wearing a tolerably thick veil,
and rugged out as she was In dress
of cream satin looked quite present
able at distance Hardly SO much
can be said of her husband, who
walked with a limp, and whose
sparsely settled chin whiskers of
pale dun color would have inn
proved his appearance if they had
been shaved off. We ascertained
by careful inquiry that Skimgullet
is old enough to be his wife's father
and has, in point of fact, committed
the offense of matrimony twice be-
fore. Some say that both of his
former wives were starved to death,
others that he worked them to
death. Which is correct the Genius
of Liberty does not pretend to say.
The statements are given for what
they may be worth. What Miss
Dumsquizzle saw in him to marry
is a mystery, unless she thought
she would be more successful than
her predecessors in getting hold of
the money which he is said to keep
buried somewhere on his farm. We
heard it said that her father owed
Skimgullet $135 and that the latter
threatened to have him arrested
on a charge of forgery if he did
not get Melinda to marry him,
but this statement has not
been verified yet. The
presents were not very numerous,
and the most expensive one that
we saw was a peachblow vase worth
a dollar at retail. The couple left
on the accommodation for bridal |
tour of two days to Podunk. We
asked the Rev. Y. E. Geticks how
much the groom gave him for ty
ing the knot, and he said rs cents. |
This. therefore, can be relied upon
az official"
"Young man," said the editor,
after reading the reporters account,
90 you are far too high a genius to
bury your talent in a small place
like Quohosh. / would like to keep
you, but / am sure that would be
doing you an injustice. / think |
you had better go to New York,
where your talents will be appre-
ciated as they deserve. And, by |
the way, when you 60 to the sta
ton to buy your ticket, avoid max
ing the fatal mistake of buying a
return ticket. We are fond of you,
but not so very fond that absence
could fail to increase it."-W. H.
Siviter, in Harper's for March.