davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A BADLY BUSTED MAN.

pense of ffeighting her out here-and we
hereby warn him that If he returns he viii
get no mercy We have put the major on
the track of an Idaho widow who can stand
on log and chop equal to any man, and in
time the poignancy of his grief will get
sand papered off, and he will bring another
angel into our midst.
A BRUTAL OUTRAGE.-Ye yesterday we re
ceiyed private letter from our valued
Worlds fair correspondent dated from a
Chicago bastile. For the past two weeks
he has been much annoyed and put out by
the odd and eccentric ways of eastern peo-
pie, none of whom it seems wear buckskin
suits or carry lassoes ON their shoulders.
Monday last while our correspondent was
rounding up the stock in the art depart
ment he came across a marble statue called
"Sikey.n '.Sikey" hadn't any clothes on.
Our correspondent estimated her at SO
much dead weight of marble and allowed
for the carving, and his figures on her cash
value footed up only $780, II seems that a
paloot from New York, who never heard
the howl Of coyote nor witnessed a stam-
pede of steers, undertook to give our CORE
spondent some pointers on art, and the nat
ural result Of such a display of gall was
that the said galoot ran up against cactus
ready for business He went away and
sauealed to the police, and our correspond
ent was violently removed from the grounds
and chucked into bastiIe as dangerous
character. We beg to gently inquire wheth-
er this is the fourteenth or the nineteenth
century and whether the corset eneircled
east owns any more of this great show than
the untrammeled and unconventional west.
The owner of "Sikey" put her value ut s2o,-
900. Was it any wonder that our correspond
ent, who has had four different wives in his
time and none of whom cost him $500
bucked at the figures? We happen to know
that he owns an onyx mine and three mar
Bile anarries, and who should be better
Judge of a hunk of statuary? Half an houl
before the fracas over s'sSikeYn commenced
that same ostentatious, egotistical jacka
napes tried TO make our correspondent be
lieve that certain Oil painting was valued
at sos 900. The whole thing, frame and all
wasn't large enough for poker table, ane
the man who brought it to this town anc
asked above $50 for it would be looked upoT
as seeking to block the wheels of civiliza
tion. We have telegraphed our correspond
cnt to find out who is running the show
III there is to be any discrimination agaInsi
the west, we shall order him home at once
and then proceed to make the hearts o.
IS ,O00, 600 eastern people ache for six month;
IN come
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

committed to matrimony, an den yo' vicari-
ously disfcrned her dat yo' was already
hitched up fur life. Elder Davis. whar am
dat gal Linda now?"
'sTo home, reckon
"Yes, to home, but what am she a-doinf"
Dunno"
"Bnt know She am lyin ON de sofy in
de pa'lor wild her eyes rolled up, her teeth
shet an her fingers ciinched. an now an den
she kicks out wild boat feet to once an calls
yo' by name. Elder Davis, Tze gwine
to-
But he was too late. While he was spit
ting on his hands the elder pulled his hat
down, gathered mis- No. 12's under him and
jumped for the middle of the road. The
fat man jumped after him, but the pillar
struck a gaitwhich carried him along three
feet to one, and in five minutes he was half
mile away and hidden by a cloud of dust.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
THE PANlckY MAN.

Whenever there's trouble in this thing or that
No matter how distant the place,
When somebody says that finances are fat.
Or that war signs arc easy to trace,
The average person y ould stick to his task.
Still doing the best hat he can
To keep things as well as it's reason to ask.
But along comes the panicky man.
With significant looks and voice that is low
He hints at disheartening things.
His you mightn't have thought it, but now,
don't you know
In mournfulest minor he sings.
Though full OF good cheer and contentment Al
morn
Your task for the day you began,
You'll presently almost regret you were born
For along comes the panicky man.
Shall people be led by the raven, whose note
Is the moaning of idle despair?
Shall mere puny Terror take Thrift by the
throat,
And Courage her mission forbear?
Not SO, for the public is wiser today.
1t has hit on o different plan,
For tits well understood that the sensible way
Is to sit on the panicky man.
Washington Star.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
An Unhappy Man.

Harkins found Snooper standing at the
door of a large dry goods store the other
day with deep scowl ON his face.
What's the matter, Snooper?"
.Confound this rainl''
$ It won't hurt you. Run for car.
It won't hurt me. but my wife is inside
the storen
That's all right. She's dry there. She
can wait until the rain is over"
That's just the trouble She went in for
moment to get paper of pins or some
such inexpensive purchase Now it'sgoing
to rain for an hour or two. and she'll stay
thers till it's over
s.Well, what of itS''
"What of its It's easy to see you're not
married man. Why, my dear sir. shell
overhaul the entire stock in the store. and
goodness only knows what she won't buy
Great Scott, man, this rainstorm will cost
me $50 at the very least!''
And Harkins went on, leaving Snoopel
wringing his hands. -Harper's Bazaar.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
oBLlGING A SHERIFF.
Il Disappointed Man Who Wanted to G.
tn .TaiI.

Il Disappointed Man VINO wanted TO TO
to Jail.
was talking with the sheriff in front of
one of the village stores when constable
drove up with man in buggy and said:
s'Kurnel, this yere is Jim Rowland, who
has bin sentenced to Jail fur so days by the
court over at Marion"
"Jim Rowland, eh?' queried the sheriff,
as he looked the prisoner over. What's
the sentence fur?"
''Stealin pigs. reckon"
''Yaas, stealth two pigs" added the pris-
oner.
''Stole 'em suah enough, did yo's"
81 did"
sWaal, yo' orter be sent to jail. Look
yere, Jim Rowland, what sort of man
might yo' be on the average"'
.sPurty squar, kurnel-purty squar."
Because resumed the official, lone
end OF the jail has eayed out, the roof has
sunk in, and the niggers has ripped out all
the floors. It's mighty lonesome place to
put white man in. and don't reckon he'd
stay but over two minutes | don't want
to be bothered goin around thar two or
three times day, and don't want to put
yo' to the trouble of breakin out. y
st see,n 1nused the prisoner.
..And so, yo'd better jest pass yo'r word
not to get onery and skip out, and yo' kin
hang around town and come up to the house
fur meals. y
s'I'd druther be in Jail, kurnel. Fact is,
I've allus wanted TO be sent to Jail, but
sumthin has allus happened to prevent.
but consider the circumstances, Jim.
Yo, hain't nathin agin me, hey yo's"
.sOh, no, but it'll disappint the ole wom-
an and children if I'm not put behind the
bars
s'Thar hain't blamed bar or bolt or lock
about the shanty, jim"
Couldn't be chained to the wall?a
"Y-e-s, yo' could. but it would be bad fur
yo'r health. Yo'd hey chills inside of three
days. They'll hev the new Jail done next
year, and then II yo' feel that yo' must go
to Jail I'll take yo' in for 80 days.
.sWaal," said Jim after picking his teeth
and scratching his head for awhile, Il
don't want to be onery to nobody, and as
yo' seem to want to do the squar thing by
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
HER HEAD rs TURNED
THE EDITOR OF THE KICKER TELLS
OF A BRIDES DEPARTURE.
She Got Carried Away with Bill Saunders
and Left Major Ward to Weep Out a
Lonely Existence While She Headed TO-
ward New Mexico,
copyright, 1893, by Charles B. Lewis.l

copyright, 1893. by Charles b. Lewis.l
HARD LISEs.-The scarcity of the female
sex in this locality would be positively APP
palling but for the fact that we have be-
come accustomed to the situation. No east
ern man can comprehend the feeling which
comes over man who stands on street
corner for five hours at n stretch without
getting sight of pair of French heel shoes
and hat trimmed with hollyhocks and
climbing roses Three weeks ago our es-
teemed fellow townsman, Major Ward,
went east as far as Iowa and got him
wife, arriving back home last Saturday.
She was an old maid who had been sdisap-
pointed some six or eight times and had
been presented with medal for being the
homeliest critter in her county, but the ma
jor thought her an angel. He brought her
around to THE KICKER Office to be intro
duced, and our bachelor heart increased its
beatings over 40 per minute. The boys got
out of the saloons and poker rooms and
cheered her as she passed, and bonfires were
lighted in the evening to celebrate the aus
picious occasion. We understand that the
major spent 500 in bringing the festivities
afihe occasion up to the boiling point. We
were r rssonally arranging grand recep-
tion for the bride to be held Wednesday
evening, when the major casually dropped
in to inform us that she had scooted. She
went away Tuesday evening with Bill
Saunders, seated behind him on his yaller
mule and headed for New Mexico. Flat
terry had turned her head, and she probably
got stuck ON Bills flowing side whiskers,
which are the 1owingest whiskers in all
this territory. The major was badly
busted man, and we could not comfort him.
He sat in our office and wept like child.
1t was no use to tell him that man cometh
up like flower and is cut down and that
of such is the kingdom of heaven. We
filed him up with brand % years old and
sent him to his desolated adobe to sleep off
his grief We understand that Bill Saun-
ders, who is q resident of New Mexico was
lying around here with that sole object in
view--to steal some Arizona mans critter
after he had been to all the trouble and ex-
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
THE LlMEklLN CLUB.

Brother Gardner Has Few Words TO Say
on the Ending Up"
IAN Brudder Rambo Johnson in de room
dis eaveninsn queried Brother Gardner as
the regular business of the meeting was
concluded.
'.He ar, sab. was the prompt reply OF
the brother named as he rose up and re-
moved a horn button he had been holding
lii his mouth for the last half hour.
..5tep dis way, Brudder Johnson hey a
few words to say to yo'. Yo' war not at
do last meetin of dis LiInekiln club.
.sNo, sab. !"
..Fhr three days last week yo' war sittin
In yo'r house in fear an tremblin.'
.'Sorter fear and tremblin, sab.
Last Sunday yo' begun shoatin at de top
of yo,r voice an kept it up till policeman
was on de pint of takin yo' to jail. z
.Sorter shoutin, sab.
s.Brudder johnson, want yo' to look me
souar In de eye fur three or 10 minits."
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
TIE ..p1LLARn STRUCK A GAIT.

'iBout week, sah-'bout week. Yo'
kindly invited me todun stop wild yo', an /
stopped
Eyes, kindly invited yo'," shouted the
fat man, San what. am de result? Dat gal
Linda reckoned her chance had cum. She
dun put on her best clothes an jewelry. She
dun quit her job at de hotel at s5 week.
She dun read up on de Bible an hymnbook.
She jest couldn't sleep nights fur thinkin
yo' was dun gwine to AK her TO be yosr wife.
Did yo' ak her?''
.sOf co'se not. How could / dun ak her
when Ize got an ole woman ober at Lib
ertyyille2s'
ssBut why didn't yo' say dat befo' Linda
was tooken in luvs' Yo' seen dat luy agrow-
nana-buddin an a-bloomin. an yit 20 didn't
put yo'r hand on dat gals head an say,
Chile. I'ze dun sorry fur yo', but dar's an
ole black woman in de way, an can't be
muffin but brudder to yo'.' Did yo' say
dats No. Fur from it. Yo' let dat gals
luv bud an blossom till she spected to be
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
SIP DIuTHER BE IN JAIL. "

a feller I'll agree to hang out around town,
but remember, ,kurnel-remember that the
next time I'm sent to jail I'm either goin
thar or rip the cotton out of one hull side
of this countyp
And Jim got down and took drink and
was soon seated ON the grocery platform
telling the crowd of idlers what allied the
county and the remedy for it.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

continued Brother Gardner. Il knows
what's de matter wild yo' an seberal odder
members of dis club. 1t started wild de
comet. Some fool niger went around say
in dat de comet was a sign dat de eand of
de world was nigh to hand. an about doz-
en- of yo' hev bin half scared to death fur de
last month Last Sunday yo' had yo'r coat
an vest an brogans off, an was specting to
sail upward ebery mint. A week ago to-
night yo' sot on de doahstep till yo' had a
chill, but dar was no sailin. Ar ye' still
lookin fur de world to eand up?"
IS sorter lookin, sab. stammercd Broth
ar TohuSon
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Pleasant Information.

Daughter When your little duckie dar-
ling gets married, you'll no longer be the
same to her, will you?
Old Gentlelnan- Nonsensel I'll love you
as much as ever.
"And won't our relations change bit?"
'sOf course not.
.'I'm so glad, because now can marry
Mr.. Slimpurse, and yet go on being your
little duckie darling and having things
charged to you just the same. New York
Weekly
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Answered.

An American census gatherer was col
lecting the papers from the different houses
Ia one OF the lower districts of a large town.
aud an intelligent looking woman handed
him document which contained an anus
ing entry The inquiry, Married or sin
gles, instead of reading so put the question
indirectly, thus:
Condition as TO marriage?'s
Under this heading the woman had writ.
ten, Hard up afore marriage, worse after
ward. Tit Bits.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A 0ueer Condition.
Somebody challenged Jones to fight

Somebody challenged Jones to hight
duel, thinking to scare him.
s.Well, it's a CO. replied that cheerful
lunatic, but only on one condition. You
know how nearsighted / ann Well, to
make things equal insist that shall be
placed 10 PAGES nearer my opponent than he
is to me, for the fellows got an eye like
hawk. ."-Texas Siftings.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

Head of Firm-Look here, Trainmaker,
those clothes of yours look pretty shabby.
Seems to me when you go out on the road
you should dress a little better.
Trainmaker-W Well, sir, what can you ex-
pect when you allow me only 81 day for
nv expenses2- Clothier and Furnisher.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
The Reverse OF the Medal.

Professor-My dear young friend. am
yery pleased you come and see me SO often
to talk over scientific subjects. 1t augurs
well for your future career.
Student ito professors daughter)-l am
sorry we have SO little time for CONVERSE
tion, Fraulein Kathi. Your father is al
ways bothering me with his scientific ques-
tions.-Tit-Bits.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
4 Question of Definition.

..Iaye you been fishingsn said his father.
The boy was silent. There was evidently
a great struggle going on within him.
ssYou must answer me, my son. Have
you been fishing?"
..Well, father, will you tell me one thing
firsts''
..Yes. What is its'
..Do you call it going fishing when you
don't catch anything g?"- Washington Star.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
In the Salesrooms.

Mr.. Hazeed-Will it play-er-''T Tra-rar
ra Boom -de-ays''
salesman-It is a regular piano, sir It
will play anything.
Mr.. Hazeed- Play hymn tunesi
SaIesman-Of course.
Mr.. Hazeed-An George an Sweet
Violets'' too?
Salesman-C Certainly.
Mr.. Hazeed- Wal, j dunno as wants my
HYMN tunes an them concert hall things
mixed up. Show me a pianner as plays
only HYMN tunes. -Harper's Weekly.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Cautious.

"This photograph doesn't look bit like
me.,' said farley TO the photographers.
II know it, said the photographer. 4
was afraid to make il exactly like you for
fear you wouldn't take it-"-Harper's Ba-
gar
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Nothing Second Han

Mr. FIirtleigh-May kiss yous
Miss de Muir-No. you may not.
Mr. Flirtleigh-Will you let ME kiss you
for your sister?
Miss de Muir-I might, if you had not
been kissing my sister for me.-Vogue
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Busy.

Mr.. Gotham (at the Worlds fair)-Mag-
nificent exposition, isn't it3
Mr. Lakeside = Don't know Haven't
had time to see it yet.
.'But you live he,es''
s'Yes; that's the trouble. | sell sand
witches. n-St. Betolph.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
WHY THE ELDER DIDN'T.
In His Humble Way He Had Raised the
Mischief.

In his Humble way ne MA Asaised tHe
Mischief.
There was tall, solemn looking colored
man, wearing an old Prince Albert and
faded Greeley hat, leaning up against the
side of the grocery store when a short, fat
man of the same complexion came along
and stopped before him and said:
Niger, I'ze powerfully minded topunch
yo'r ole head off. -
whats de mattah wild yo'?" asked the
faded out old man after a long stare.
Whats de mattah wild mes What's de
mattah wild me? Hain't got gal named
Linda?"
Reckon yo' has. sab"
"Hain't dat gal jest dyin to marry one
of de pillars of de church!"
Reckon she am, sab. ("
An hain't yo' pillarsa
In my humble way I'ze tryin to be a
pillar"
IAN in yo'r humble way yo've bin stop
pin at my house fur ober week, hain't yer"
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
The Reason why.

Pollard-I understand your club gave a
dinner a year ago to raise subscriptions
toward mastodon clubhouse it intended
to erect. / see nothing has been done since.
What has become of the projects
Powers WeiI-er-you see, we have been
living low ever since. We haven't been able
to pay for the dinner yet.-Truth.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A Mistake.

Host (of summer hotel)-Have you given
our new boarder his bill for this week.
Clerk-Yes, sir.
Host-Then You haven't added it up right
Clerk-What makes you think SO?
Host-Why, the man is singing-Titr
P;ts
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Prudent.

whats this item in your expense ac
count, my dear: Dog license, s2?,"
sIt's what it seems to be, George. A Ii
cense to keep a dog. =
sBut we haven't any dog
ST know that, but we might want to have
one, and thought it well to be prepared. =
-Harper's Bazaar.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A Good Suggestion.

A little girl living down town was saying
her prayers the other evening, and had
lust finished Give us this day our daily
bread when precocious 4 year-old broth
er exclaimed, Say tookies, Fanny Texas
Siftings.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A Familiar Sound.

Are you pretty well acquainted with
your mother tongue. my boys" asked the
schoolmaster of new scholar.
Yes, sir.' answered the lad timidly;
'sma jaws me good deal, sir.n-Tit-Bits.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
He was Ready.

s.Wili you have your sausage now, airfs'
said the waiter to Mr.. Dillingham;.
Eyes. am prepared for the worst. p
1 Exchange.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
None Left.

Cobble- How do you find tradef
Stone That's the great trouble caE't
find it.-Clothier and Furnish.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A Bad sign.

Mamma-Do I'm very much worried
about the baby. He isn't like himself at
all
Doctor What are the symptoms. mad
ann
Mamma-He sleeps at night Brooklyn
ifo
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
A Distinction.

visitor-Is your father out7
Bobby-Yes.
Visitor-Where has he gone?
Bobby-He hasn't gone nowhere. He's in
the smoking room playing poker.
yisitor-I thought you said he wasn't at
home?
Bobby-I said he was out.-Life.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

THOR SALE AT So PER ACRE
Large Tracts of Land TRAVERsED
BY THE TEXAS AND PACIFIC RAIL
ROAD, in the parish of St Landry, between
Melville and Palmetto stations. These
lands have been recently surveyed and are
heavily timbered with valuable cypress
and ash timber Apply to the undersigned
at Opelousas, La THOS. ii. LEWIS.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

sIJ 4 year for the CLARION,
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

subscription only sl3ss, subscribe noW.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
"CRADOCK. :

CRADocK 1888 Sunset Stock Farm the following
conditions Standardized will
be served
colt
rotd September yearg on track mutually agreed
H. HARVEY,
Sunset st Landry Parish, La
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26
Unreasonable.

sobby by.I said he was out.-Life.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1893-08-26

IAN in yo'r humble way yo've bin stop
pin at my house fur ober week, hain't YEP"
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1893-09-09
SOUTHERN CoNGREssMEN's
WANTS.

Bills Introduced by Representatives
From Georgia, South Carolina and
Florida.
Washington, Sept. S.-The members of
the House have not been idle so far as the
preparation of bills is concerned. AS
soon as the rules were adopted, over 400
bills were introduced and referred to the
proper COMMITTEES.
Georgia's share is small, as follows
By Speaker Crisp-To provide for the
erection of public building in Americus /;
appropriates $4,000 therefor
By Mr.. Lester-To repeal the law i'm
posing a tax on state bank circulation
BY Mr.. Livingston-To establish a sub
treasury in Atlanta.
BY Mr.. Black-To authorize national
banking institutions to loan money on
real estate.
South Carolina shows one less.
By Mr.. Brawley-To transfer the
Morris Island life-saving station to Sulli-
vans Island.
BY Mr.. Talbert-For the enlargement
of the volume of currency and the dis
tribUtion of the same
By Mr. McLaurin-A joint resolution
authorizing the issue of S125, 600, 600 of
treasury notes under the acts of 1862 and
1868
Florida makes a decidedly bigger show
ing, and Mr. Mallory has the lions share
His bills are as follows: To amend Sec
ttOn 4l3l of the Revised Statutes; also,
to authorize the Secretary of the Treas
ury to settle the account stated between
the general government and the state of
Florida by the said secretary, under the
authority Of the act approved March 2,
1889, known as the deficiency act, and to
pay the balance found to be due :;
also to authorize the Secretary Of the
Navy to establish free public
school, for children under II years of age,
In the village of Warrington, on the naval
reservat tion on Pensacola Bay. Also, to
establish lighthouse and range-light al
the entrance of St. Andrews Bay. Also
to restore to the pension rolls of the Uni
ted States the names of all persons draw
ing pensions at the beginning of the civil
fwar, by reason of their services
in the wars of Florida, and whose
names were stricken from the pension
rolls by reason of their participation in
the civil war on the side of the south
Also to amend section 4,441 of the Re-
vised Statutes. Also to amend section
027 of the Revised Statutes. Also to re
quire steam vessels of the United States
of 1000 tons or more to have one engineer
and helper on watch in their engine
rooms while under way; and to require
all steam vessels of the United States
continuously under steam for more than
ten hours to carry two licensed engineers.
Also to authorize the Secretary of the
Treasury to appoint special agents to
note and report to the local inspectors of
each steamboat inspection district all
violations of the laws relating to the reg
ulation of steam vessels.
Mr. Cooper introduced a bill to create
the Eastern judicial district of Florida.