The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1893-11-25
THE OLD SETTLER.
he and the Sheriff Discuss the
Worlds Fair.

worlds fatr, and was telling of all the
wonders he had seen. His description
Of the sights of the White City was list
ened to by the boys at the tavern with
open mouths and bulging eyes. Wher
he described, almost in whisper, the
things he had seen at the Midway Plai
ance, among others the oriental dances
even the landlord got up and exclaimed
"Thunderl But / wisht I'd Der
there, shurff =,
And the squire moved about in his
chair and said:
''It beats ALL rll bate if them folks
ID come here an do anything o. that
kind they'd soon get duclscd up yendel
in the mill pond! An var seen it, die
ye, shurff ~
'Yesl" replied the sheriff. "Yar be,
/ didl''
"Thunder!" exclaimed the landlord
going behind the bar and taking foui
fingers of the best. "But wisht I'd O
ben there!"
But the Old Settler sat in his chaii
without word. His lips were com
pressed and he looked straight ahead
into vacancy. He was listening, but
nothing the sheriff talked about in two
hours verbal panorama of the worlds
fair seemed to be of any moving inter.
est to him. AT last, when the sheriff
had exhausted his subject and himself
and ceased talking, the Old Settler
came out of the vacancy. He showed
his hat to the back of his head and,
| turning to the sheriff, said:
"Them things is all right ez fur ez
| they go, but who winned the four-min-
| ute race fer hosses bred in the coun-
try?"
The sheriff was dazed. 1t was some
time before he could make reply.
"Why, major" said he, 'they didn't
have any four-minute race for horses
bred in the country. You see"
can were the double-headed calf
alive, or only just stuffed?' said the
Old Settler, cutting the sheriff short.
well, major" the sheriff began,
"the fact is
can wat were the heft o. the prize
punkin?" said the Old Settler, waving
the sheriff off.
II didn't see any prize punkin, ma
jor," said the sheriff, resignedly.
''Did the fcller with the tame bar
hev him trained proper, or did he hef
Settler.
II don't think there was any trained
bear on the grounds" said the sheriff
Whose OF woman got the four-shil'n
prize fer the best cider apple sass?" un-
relentingly the Old Settler went on.
You don't seem to understand. ma
jor-"
Were the patchwork quiltin' wuth
loolSin' at, or didn't we notice?"
Major
"Who ketched the creased pig, an
wat did they give him fer doin' of it?"
"Greased pig! Why, major, there
wasn't any creased pig at this fair.'
''Who had the best rooty bagies, an
wat were the showin' ez to mouse
nose 'taters?"
''Gracious, major!''
''Who spoke the piece bout the best
way to shet out snifiles in sheep, an
how to cure mules o. kicllin'?"
"The subjects weren't mentioned,
major"
An how did the pullin' match 'twixt
the team o. hosses an the yoke O. steers
suit the folks, shurtf?"
''See here, major! They didn't have
any of those things out there! None of
them"
The Old Settler was silent for awhile,
and then said:
Didn't l understan' ye to say that
ye'd ben to the fair, shurff?"
;pl Tho ,,-o,l,3,s
1.-THE fair l ben ahearin' SO much
about fer year an better?"
"Yes. There's only one"
can ones enough, b'gosh" ex-
claimed the Old Settler. Folks must
a-lost all their grit, nowadays. to stand
being took in so, without sayin' a durn
word back! Wat do we s'pose they'd
a-donc in the Sugar swamp deestric' if
they'd a-gone to one o. the fairs they
nsety hev there, an, arter payin their
little two shil'n' to get in, they was
minute race fer hosses bred in the
county? An that the fair hadn't
creased 10 pig to be chased? An thai
the two-headed calf want on hand,
not nven stuffed? An that patchwork
quiltin' We're shet out that year. an
cider apple sass want on the bills? An
that they want takin' no stock in
prize punkins, or in rooty bagies, or in
mouse-nose 'taters, an that the hoss
team want gointer pull 'g'inst the
yoke o. steers? Gosht'lmighty, shurff.
The folks O. Sugar swamp d a-riz up ez
one man, b'gosh! They'd a-took the
bosses o. that fair out an rid em on a
rail from Dan to Beersheeby! They'd
a-ripped down tents, an they'd a-slath-
er'd sheds, an they'd a-druv things
afore 'em clean to the mountains o.
Hepsidam, b'gosh, where the whang-
noodle mourneth for her young! What!
A fair without no four-minute trot fer
hosses bred in the county! A fair with
out no double headed calf! But, say,
shurff, yer foolin', hain't ye? Thamust
a. ben double headed calf at this fair
ye ben to-"
mot one, MAJOR
"Not even stuffed one?"
'Not even stuffed one."
'Then, sir, b'gosh, no wonder the
kentry is totterin'! A fair where tha's
lot O. heather gals from Atferlsy or
Injy, or somers else where tha hain't
much money wasted fer clo'es, dancin'
an wigglin' an cavortin', an no four
minute hosees bred in the county! A
fair where tha's Il drove o hump
backed camels chawin' hay. an no
double-headed calf. Pommygranits
from the dessert isles, 'spect, an not a