Keowee courier. [volume] (Pickens Court House, S.C.) 1849-current, 1893-01-05
.sNEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS" AND
HOW TO PRESERVE THEM.
TFor the KEowEE COURIER.

There is a beautiful little set oi
volumes in the mental library oi
every male individual of the genus
homo, entitled aNew Year Resolu-
tions,'' whose rythmical expressions
Of sublimely poetical thought are
only subjected to an airing once IN
three hundred and sixty-fve days:
which occurs on each bright New
Year morning, and after three days
they are carefully packed away again,
nor are they disturbed until the next
anniversary, when the individual
awakes on the morning of the bright
and promising ''First'' and mentally
reviews the many scenes of cham
pagne and enjoyment through which
he has passed in celebrating the ami
vcrsary of the blessed nativity. The
reaction is SO soul-inspiring that those
mildewed volumes are taken down
from their long occupancy of high
back shelf in the cerebrum and again
promiscuously aired. SO delicate,
however, are these precious little vol
lmes that they are with great diff
Guilty preserved at all. The binlding
is of such highly polished yet brittle
material that it is very easily broken,
and the ba,aing once broken the
volume is soon gone to decay.
The first volume in which young
men, between the ages of eighteen
and twenty five, take such pure delight
contains in substance: 81 do most
solemnly resolve to abstain hence
forth and forever from all intoxicat-
ing liquors whatsoever, as bever-
age, SO help me Benjamin Bacchus." !"
Now, the best possible way to pre-
serve this volume is to Immediately
pickle it in very strong alcohol, add
ing little each day, as the resolu-
ton exhausts the preserving quail
ties OF the liquid. This has been
found to be the only efficient mode
of preservation.
The second :olume is bright and
sparkling little resolution addressed
particularly TO blooming youth, the
contents of which is summed up in
the following words: "In compliance
with the earnest request of my
mother and my sweetheart do most
sincerely resolve to deny myself the
pernicious use OF vile cigarettes, so
help me w. Duke & Sons"
Now, there is one way, and one
way only, to preserve this beautiful
little resolution, and that is, subject
it to the fumes Of five thousand Gig
arettes each month and you will
find that it will keep in the very best
condition.
The third vo'ume contains some
thing like this: "Whereas, the Eng
lish language is sufficiently profane
without the addition OF numerous
adjectives from the .replete vocabu-
larry of the South Sea sailors, l do
most .uly resolve that henceforth |
shall not allow my tongue to adver-
tise the profanity of my soul, 80 help
me ye god of profanity"
This resolution is only preserved
by being packed air-tight between
the ssPilgrim's Progress" and "Sun-
day School Quarterly
The contents of the fourth volume
isread in language as follows: offence
forth l solemnly swear to indulge not
in any game of chance whatsoever,
nor bet upon the issue OF any pngil-
istic encounter or other sporti2g fea
ture, so help me Richard Fox"
Hermetically seal this resolution in
a dice-cup, wrap it we'll in a late copy
of the .Sporting World and stow it
safely away in a vault of the Lou
isiana State Lottery.
The rest Of the volumes of New
Year resolutions may be encased in
rock salt to preserve their freshness.
Some few suggestions may be well
for those who would indulge in New
Year resolutions:
First. When emptying your demi-
John, in accordance with your first
resolution, always pour the vile,
destructive liquid into some gutter or
pipe which you are well assured leads
directly into some handy cistern then
dry. You will find this paying
prccaution.
In casting away your stock of
cigarettes, in compliance with reso-
luton number two, simply drop them
behind trunk. Rats may want
to indulge in silent midnight whiff.
When bidding farewell to the
members of the Sporting Club it
wonld be well to leave your cane,
umbrella or some other necessary in
the club room. You may return for
it later.
With these few hints and sugges-
tions for the preservation OF New
Year resolutions, good humor, health
and few other things in the caleL
dar, allow me to hope that each and
every resolution may be we'll pre-
served, provided it is aaoa perditets. I"
D.-.u,o,.,