St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-07-02
THE GLORIOUS FOURTH.

noisy Fourth, is almost here, and with what
patriotic JOY ~ are we longing for its dawn
This time next week some of us will be at
tending funerals, some laid up for repairs in
hospitals, some recovering from burns or
urunks, and many of US will find ourselves
less burdened with superfiuous arms and
legs than we are at present. might suggest
tnat the news publishers always save their
July 9Th editions, and just copy and repub-
Hsn tnem from year to year. only leaving
spaces for new names in the causuaity col
umn. 1t would save much time and eonsid-
cradle trouble. Perhaps it will be Bobby
lhis year who will perform the toy pistol act;
whereas last year it was Tommy who went
through the same performance, covering
hlmseif with great glory and many scars
Maybe 1t will be n cigarette that will be
! cropped where last year Il cigar caused an
explosion. Or your ueighbor may lose an
ear instead of nose this year. That will be
the only variation to the same old antiquated
blow-up accidents. They grow monotonous
Can't some one blow off his nose with tor
pedo. or blow on an extra leg to vary mat
tiers?
Before the high school pupils are allowed
to graduate they ought to be properly in
structed in the art of shooting fireworks
Can't you imagine the astonishment of a
placid old lady who was taking her evening
stroll when she saw her bonnet suddenly
jump from her head aud disappear amongst
the clouds? Its departure was ably assisted
by sky rocket which had been in the
clutches of an amateur celeprator but mo-
ment before Who likes TO have his mus
tache, ear or back hair shot off by a badly
aimed bomb or rampant spinning wheel
1t is also rather embarrassing to- spend your
entire weeks wages to hire rig in which to
take timid friend (?) driving and have
your steed get mixed up with Roman can
die. If it is a habitually so Der horse, not
used to seeing stars nor having cultivated
taste for Roman candles ten to one he will
kick up his livery stable heels, dump you in
the omnipresent Fourth of July puddle, and
| go forth to seek pastures new and more con-
genial company. He will spend the re-
mainder OF the glorious day in his own little
horsey way. After you have hunted for him
all day, tramping up hill and rolling down
dale, wishing George Washington had never
been born, that you were not independent,
that Rome and her candles had fed with the
| flood, and several other similar sentiments,
you may bring up at Hamline race track and
find your equine running race with his
shadow, and thinking What fools those
mortals be.''
Some poor. inexperienced lunatic may go
TO the farm for the day to escape the noise
and turmoil of the city. Now. if there is one
| gala day in the year for the farmer laddie it is
independence day, and the poor city victim
| Will escape the city firecrackers only to have
his ears nearly worried off his head by the
noise OF an ancient blunderbuss which came
| over in the Mayfower of blessed memory.
| One dlsagreeable feature of this ancient
weapon is the inability to depend upon it.
| You can never be quite sure it will shoot
| twice in the same direction, no matter how
| Careful the sportsman. Your life is in dan
ger, and your only safety lies in keeping as
| near as possible to the muzzle, which you
| endeavor to do. Around and around you go
with your eye fixed so steadily on the death
dealing instrument that you are in danger of
| becoming cross-eyed. and you get SO tired
that you legs get bow-legged and knock
| kneed at the same time. blunderbuss that
! came over in the Mayfower would never for
! get that it fought in the Revolution, so it be-
| come sfired-ha with patriotic enthusiasm,
! Kills COW, stuns pig and several small
| noys, and then. in a final expiring effort
| KICKS the shooter into ditch and fires itself
/ bodily into passing cloud. Tired to death,
| you crouch upon the farm house step, NUT
tering your prayers and swearing never to
leave town upon another Fourth. The only
! sure way to avoid accidents is to retire into
the coalbin of your cellar, draw the coal gem
tiy over yourself, like down quilt, and in
| sweet self-communion while away the hours
| until the dawn of the 5th.
IS
| Some wise people always select the Fourth
| for picnic. Plcnics are always charming.
| but how much more so when you can attend
|
| into box car, under a broiling sun.
seats for 100 and standing room for one foot
| Of each individual of the remaining crowd.
! How delightful it is to sit on the dewy grass,
| near the home of snake, and listen to the
| song of the turtle and mosquito as they raise
| their American voices and join in My coun-
| try, It's of thee, sweet land of the festive
| flea, etc" Then comes luncheon That
| delightful informal affair." where you sit in
the mud, eat sour pickles that have come to an
| understanding with the brown sugar and milk;
| warm beer and grasshoppers are hilariously
| 1mbibed; butter decorated with an infinite
| variety of flies is spread on wet biscuits, and
! every girl you know insists upon your tasting
| the cake she made herself" until you feel
like cake pudding or a fly trap. Finally,
| you steal away from the maddening crowd to
| smoke; you throw your weary form on a col
lection of blackberry brambies, light your
| pipe and proceed to smoke and count the
| little green worms and tree toads as they
| drop one by two upon your upturned facial
| expression Then how nice to ride home
again in the box car, this time i'll the pouring
rain. To be sure the car is gaily decorated
| with American flags, American firecrackers
make things lively for the occupants, and
| the American small boy reigns supreme Of
| course we ought to admire everything Amer
can on that one day at least.
~
The glorious Fourth strongly resembles a
| circus day III one particular way-ir'loses its
| flavor as you grow older 1t wasn't very long
| ago that 1T was the very height of your am
| billion TO water the elephant CT shoot fire
| crackersS Now you are hunting for a new
| Swede settlement where they don't know the
| 4th from the 9Th. You never used TO
think that flrecrackers made enough noise
| but now it is different
| The place where the day is really enioyeo
is in the country village. band is hired. a
| platform is built and the inhabitants for
miles around come in gigs, in buckboards.
! on bay racks, on their own legs, or in ambu-
| lances. They stand sweltering under the
| sun when 1t is % in the shade, gasping eft a
very shaky grand stand to hear the orator of
the day crate He is usually the wire puller
for some political party. or the preacher
from the next town. The audience is not
particular about his vocation If he only
throws in enough glorious Fourths," de
tenders of your country" brave soldiers
and calls them patriotic friends aud citi-
zens" often enough, they are satisfied The
band plays The Star-Spangled Banner
L The Wearing of the Green" and other
suitable tunes. The old ladies talk about
| patchwork quilts, the men chew tobacco and
fling out few suggestions about crops, the
T girls dance ana the children eat That is
what children think all holidays are made
/ for. They look forward 10 ice cream dav.
otherwise July Attn; turkey day, known to
adults as Thanksgiving; mince-pie day. COM
monty called New Years, eic
-
Thinking of ice cream reminds me of the
hof xVo how r.f,o