The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1893-04-29

the OD1ect o
my passion as violently and completely
/ despise myself for this propensity
and have struggled against it, but t.
no purpose.
When l married beautiful young
girl, FIVE years ago, / said to myself: 81
now possess something of which shall
never weary. My home, my lovely
wife, the joys Of connubial bliss-sure
ly this is nectar, the sweetness of which
can never surfeit.''
Alas! Before a year had passed even
ing hours at home were a WEAKNESS
and bore. | was never satisfied IN
less pursuing round of gayety.
Change, change-rny tickle, inconstant
nature demanded constant variety and
excitement.
Then our babe came to US, and as /
hung over his cradle in the first trans
port of fathers joy, said, with con-
fidence: Surely this delight will en-
dure. Ny sweet babe will bring me a
succession Of pleasures of which / can
not tire. My wife, my child; could a
man ask for more of happiness?"
The child did bring more of JOY to
my heart than anything else had ever
done. His unfolding beauty from day
to day charmed NE and held my heart
captive. Still he did not grow fast
enough to please me, and | often lost
present delight through a feverish- haste
for his future development. ] antici-
pated his powers with ardent impa-
thence. When he crept longed to see
Him walk; when he walked was still
looking forward to the time when he
should talk.
l hope | am alone in this insanely
foolish disposition-that no other is
cursed with my unholy greed for
change, for that which / have not. l
see others happy, contented, taking
each days pleasure as it comes with
calm serenity, and I envy them. IL
must look forward. The to-day of re-
alization is too tame; the reckoning
phantom of the future ever lures ME on.
This day I am looking for shame
full death upon the scaifold and still
my memorable fate bids me look be-
yond. Has not to-day enough of
hereafter? Can it be possible that
character will pursue me to the other
world-that what | have been through
life shall continue to be through all
eternity? Ever seeking for change,
and never, never being satisfied? God
forbid,
My spiritual adviser urges me to re-
nd ] t--ry 10 do Int
for L well know that if had all life to
live over again l should still be the
same: restless, unsatisfed, ever seeking
for something had not.
Do you ask why / am here? 1t is
strange tale, and l sometimes fancy it
is all dream. Then bitter memory
brings home the truth to me. The
tale is true, and 1 am its principal
actor.
The boy--my idOl-was but little past
a year old when he sickend and died,
and my home was desolate. In all my
of change | had never
dreamed of anything alike this, and for
a time / was crushed stunned with the
blow. / could not sob and cry out, as
other men can when grief takes hold of
their heart-strings; and too soon sought
for my grief and loneliness
in the aggrayation of my old propensi-
ty, plunging into pleasure, and con-
5tantly changing from one scene to
another with reckless, unseemly haste,
while Isadore sat at home and wept,
looking at me reproachfully and saying
sadly: 81 thought you loved him. when
urged her to throw off her grief and
80 out with me.
! met a face of surprising loneliness
IN my round of gayety-one which
thrilled and charmed me as Isadore's
had done when l first met her; and she,
my new friend, became the object upon
which my hopes of future happiness
conferred.
My wife was now part of my past; |
This radiant creature was in my future,
AID my fciSle nature craved the pos
session of her love with an absorbing !
lesire-an ambition which encompassed !
ne about like fog at sea, obscuring
honor, love, gratitude to the wife of /
ny bosom and the mother of my child; |
md half unconsciously began to cal
,ulate what ] would do if Isadore was |
lead.
1t grew upon me. the hideous idea, !
Until 1t became a tangible thought-an |
picture upon the film of /
ny imagination which each day the |
'hemical process of my inamoratas
harms developed more clearly until l ,
began to plan that Isadore should die.
Under the spell of my infatuation, it
quite innocent and right that
,he should go to join our little lost one
She was good woman, and had no I
ioubt for her future state; and so
planned.
As l began to be more attentive TO
Ter (what race of Judases the first
arch traitor has begatl. her color came
pack and her tears were dried, for she
owed me. All yes, how constant wom-
N arel Men may trample their very
under their feet as the
wine would trample pearls, and yet
hey viii forCive-forgive
1t was not yet clear to me how this
hing which | sought should come to
'ass. II was no part of my design to
ncur detection and punishment for my
elf, and while comparing ways and
means an article on cremation caught
1y eye. Though had formerly been
opposed 10 il, the subject now had
iorrible fascination for me, and read
,Sultinsly. A burned body tells no
,ales. and in genteel and fashionable
manner / could put my crime beyond
ne reach OF chemist or physician.
Having some skill as an irnitsto- Of
handwriting, l prepared a paper in
which ISadore. among other fauciful di-