New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1893-08-27
VI
RHEUMATISM As \ PROFESSION.

Hiram rcIchcr was business man. His busi-
ness was rhcumatsm and he attended to his busi-
ness night and day.
lie loved his business and gave himself up to 1t
with devotion and zeal that was beautiful and
blessed to sec.
Some men are destined 10 sway listening Senates;
although all the Scnatcs ! ever saw never swayed
and never listened Some men born 10 be leaders
Of men and are pretty sure. sooner or later to oc-
cupy the Presidential chair If they happen to live
In Il pivotal State and have sufficiently pronounced
convictions on all sides Of the ttrin question some
men are born 10 wade through slaughter 10
throne. although thrones are rather risky invest
rnents tho. years and | would not advise Il man
10 wade very far for one. If the wadng Is very
deep. Some men are born for mighty Inventions
which rcvoutionizc the industries Of the world
and LET some Other fellow get the patent rights.
Some men are born TO write epics-and the charac-
ter Of their epics harIcns in the conviction that
they ought be- born again. some men are born
FOR fame for wealth. and some for true great
ness But Hiram I5ccher was born for none OF
these things He was born for rheumatism. lie
was dedicated and preIestncd to rheumatism be-
fore the world lie was a rheumatic by pro-
fcssion
Hiram lived in the village Of Naxhall. and all
Nayhau was kept faithfully informed by Hiram
himself in regard to his rheumatism AS hiram
never talked about any other subject. he made a
solitude wherever he went He was never out OF
solitude. He always carried It with him
Whenever You saw the people of NaAhall scat
tcrIng TO right and left and running as the ancient
Pompcans ran away from Nesuvius. you might
know that Hiram was coming down the street.
seeking some one to whom TO cXpound rheumatism,
and minutcly describe the thrty-sevcn different
pains In his thiry-sc different limits for thirty
seven different years.
Hiram probably has the largest stock OF rheuma-
tlsm "reminiscences of any man in the country. lie
has "A peculiar method Of remembering the great
events of modern history. General Scott captured
the city Of Mexico the day THE roofnauz went
from my ankle up into my right knee jnt Presi-
dent Lincoln ISSUED his Emancipation Proclamation
the day WIZ laid mp with roomatiz In my LETT
elbow an up an down my left side. with ketchin
pains I'm my finger iris" II 1t had not been for
those "kctchln' pains" Hiram would not have re-
mcmbcred about the Emancipation proclamation al
ALL He recalls the Centennial from the fact that
during that wear the "roomatz got into my toes
an pcstercd me I'm ten dnrun jints ut once
NaxhalI is a village with aspirations. 1t mas
Village Improvement Society. and the president OF
this society was lately delegated to visit Hiram ana
try to lift his mind to higher things. He was IN
str,icted To get IIirams mind off his rheumatism
and Interested in social, literary and aesthetic Cd
jects.
GOOD morning. Hiram" said the president, as
he called upon him in the prosecution OF MS 'i'''
sionary crrand: ITS "a beautiful morning.
"No 'toInt nothin' of the sort" said Hiram
"Therc's "A dampness in the air that starts ,'e
roornatz to pestcrin in my left laiS an hi"'e'
jumpn' an rarin' an tearin roun through my
knee jints Yer see fust it takes me one ''ue
the knee jint-"
But Hiram, ! came down to
AN then 1t takes me the other size u'o -,
tint an then II kinder settles down In the miuuie
an then II kinder wallops all aroun' the Jht 10
wunce An. then II starts to workin back an lorth
back an forth, criss-cross. an up an down an
Sideways an eendways. an both ways .ose'a.'
It's a good deal like the roomatz mao III '"e
spring OF 1857. Yer Sec
But, Hiram. ! came down ,, 81,
.ycr SEQ this roomatiz | he'd in the spring OF
1877 took mo IN tho shoulder II wuz jest this way
III try an tell it jest as it wuz for IN dea,ln
with the roomatiz you've goter be ackera'e' !. pe
gun up in the top corner of my shoulder, an -
gradually spread acrosst. dodgin out a., y. 80
roads ever once In a while. an lust on '''e wy ~