The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1893-04-20


Once he was pure as the beautiful snow. ii may
be. hut even then he WIS Sutler in petto.
Army service gave technical nomenclature
to many familiar avUeations and characters
ties. The ecclesiastical supernumerary WAS
called the Chaplain. The pharmaceutical
ncophytc was called a Surgeon. The district
mcssengcf-GGy called an Adjutant. The
hearse WAS called IA ambulance. and its driver,
sure of dry lodgings, was high mp in the -Four
Hundred. The Sergeant Major was called -
everywhere. The Colonel was often called a
- fool; the Qusrtermaster was usually
called -- rascal, and the real rascal WAS
sometimes known AS the Sutler. The blanks
represent profanity, which abhori
Positive subtle; comparative and suPeratiye
Suffer, WIS an acceptable chronological formula,
in many dialects of North American broken
English. i'm those days noted for the mad
massSere of innocent idioms
Tho Suffer kept, tried 10 keen, alleged
articles of virtu to sell TO the boys" SO called
meaning the soldiers, who, with warm hearts,
cold feet, flexible stomachs, and hashful con-
sciences environed him from zenith to nadir,
and return. Keeping was harder than selling
and getting his pay Was hardest of all. THUS
oeset with hardships, his lot ~ chseriess
IS that OF the mugwump i'll politics. with q
@asp- WASTED brain, a protuberant rectiiuGe,
and just enough soul to serve in lieu of salt.
save iiis carcass frem decay. What with
shortage aad leakage and stealage among pre-
tended friends. and imminent risk of captare
By an alert enemy, tho Suffers stock in trade
was as uncertain the saliVary aim of n
SOCiabie heu;uck;an.
No Suffer was ever drafted into the army or
hired . substitute sad sfteTward suffered Ma
Ileasl reprUach Tor failure 90 note his fatnre
career and weave Masonic immerteiles around
his saTcophaEas. He could not wait for the
draft. lie volunteered early and often, with
visible aiacrity and enthusiasm. often tumbing
OKer lIFnsplf in
disappearing has own folly with piHBging shot
ferceness little later. Rosy were his dreams
of rolling. eloating wealth-cruel has awaken
ing TO the devastated veFity-cruel AS casting
babes 10 crocodiles.
ACquit him in advance of hypocrisy and thus
clarity the record. He professcd TO patriotism
he pretended to no bravery he cherished no
martial ambitions. Money was hiss confessed
objective, The richly upholstered goal OF his
solieitude. For him one crowded shower Of
glorious gold was worth a whole aurora bore
ais of golden glory. Others might fight the
battles or write the ballads of his country: he
was content 10 Peddle its Thomas and Jere
miah fluid in Cat tin cans, surrepiitious. vii
famous and expensive. Others might yearn. or
pretend 10 yeaTn. for bleeding W aids and
stCried busts; sufficient unto him was 200 per
cent. profit on the cove oysters Of antiquity
Pardonahle then was his wrath when the eli-
bles aud potatoes disappeared unpaid for into
parts unknown saYe 10 the Latin tongue
wileBce they cUuid lie recovered only iy the
gentle persuasion of the stomach pump. where
by the yellow coinage Of his rapt preliminary
visions faded incomprehensby into nothing
Give him air. He had right to grow
apoplcctic with fury, and plunge through the
camp Ike d scared cow IN The back yard with
weeks washing Oh her horns.
it Is a chestnut hoary and bald with age that
the suffer was best at charge" Wherefore
mo-? To rtargu was human. but to collect was
sG5!ifBe-aiHays dificult, often impossible:
his sole competition in this line is the modern
plumber. he of the slow steps but quick respira-
Iion Tedoent with raw onuns-but that is
chestnut nOldy as the other. Boycott them
b0lhi
Although war without Sutler would have
been idealIty as barren as politics without the
negro, or The Indian, or the Prohib;tionist not
taxed. or worse; yet even with him there was
mol iafrequent flaw ia its feiiciiies When
lie was wanted he was seldom there: when he
WAS there. he seldom had what was wanted
he trafiieked with complex crcumscrptions
The list OF his pcrmissibles embraced a vast and
varied miscellany Of noH-desidersta, while
TIC cataiog Of the cOntraband exhibited innum-
cradle Objects OF unanimous and unquestionable
aliurement. Such was the irony of his fate bit
ter AS the gaiety OF lost cause. with the corpse
lying ia State next door. While. of course the
popular articles were quickly seld or stolen,
the residGary stuff, which man would buy
BeEtiHg. gIl,rd At and satirized by the dullest
deits la ne regiment.
The Inventory OF typical Suffers stock at
any stage Of vigorous campaign would hayo
listed somewhat thus:
Wooden combs and gutta-percha bivalves.
Efete cigars-bunch-grass filling; wrapped
10 genuine Havana onion leaves at Weathcrs
held, Conn.
Rancid sardines, and plug tobacco in advanced
state OF Ossifcation.
Cuieayened matches made Of sap pine, with
= compost of ipeeac birthstone, phosphorus,
aud IDolssses on their business end.
Lap saiye, razoF-soap. and spine plasters.
Ais1t limitations of standard monarchical
beverages. from the sublime Porte to the aged
and exiled Bourbon.
Sliced segments of ancient and honorable
oheese-fungous and densely populated.
Nrinkied pocket-mirrors, loose knitted tooth.
brushes, spoiled ink, spongy paper, aud splut-
iering pens.
Mezzotint hair-wash-to be shaken before
taken.
star-spangled envelopes
Eyeiess needles. pointless pins, and "cable"
thread visibiy enfeebied by adversely.
COTkscrews.
Pistol-cartfidges. watch keys, iack-kniyes.
pills, cough candy, and lead-pcncils conspicuous
chiefly for brittleness.
Bologna sausagcs OF the conglomerate era
peiriGed.
Engine-turned pickles boiled in carbolic
acid aud frosted with yitriolic CRYSTALS: war
TaDtcd aut-scorbutic
Anonymous liquid perdition in sneaking dis
gulses, which. judged by It's taste was a cheap
grade OF spiFItus strychfiti, but Judged by its
PF!ce was molten pearl diluted with dissolved
diamond.
SuHdTies, etc, etc
Prime necessaries of luxurious military ex-
isience. some OF these more or less urgent
Few OF the impraeticabe nutlities OF the
dollarsiore or the charity bazaar ift here their
suspected forms; yet 10 the insatiate afchers
Of the biyouac they would rarely quite suffice
Dcaicning was the clamor for some absent
staple, 10 which distance lent enchautmeut
rosy as dinlng-car menu and DECEPTIVE: deep
tue chagiin that 1t was not held pAreuuialiy on
tap. Bui ali was, ia the ultimate cooked down
&c dire alternative of bay Tor steall aud have
OF DO without, guaw, Gle. and swear
As rule the Sutlcr embarked on his voyage
militant with mere less capital aud credit
either bis own or that OF the silent partner
who procured his appointment but whose
identity secret between himself and
high heaven. A balance sheet at the years
end. II he managed TO survive 81 .5ng would
usually disclose liabilities 10 the extent of
capital Plus credit, aforesaid, with assets
embracing chiefly tattered tent, shattered
wagon and a battered team 500 pounds of
scorned snBdries. and fusty together
with TAT ledger full of charges" against
tile Killed, wounded and missing xho hv a