davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Kaintuck: About all the northern col
eges teach nowadays is football and base-
ball. Cousin Julep; don't object to those
games myself. Kaintucl Neither do !.
Still, gentleman's son ought to be afforded
an opportunity to learn the rudiments OF
draw poker.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
peafness Cannot he Cured

By local applications, as they cannot reach
the diseased portion of the ear. There is only
one way to cure Deafness and that is by CON
stitutonal remedies. Deafness is caused by
an inaamed condition Of the mucous lining OF
the Eustachian Tube, When this tube gets
inhamed you have rumbling sound or i'm.
perfect hearing, and when 1t is entirely closed
Deafness is the result, and unless the inhama-
ton can be taken out and this tube restored
TO its normal condition, hearing win be de-
stroyed forever; nine cases out Of ten are
caused by catarrh which is nothing but an in,
famed condition Of the mucous surfaces.
We will give One Hundred Dollars for any
case of Deafness Caused by catarrh) that
cannot be cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. Send
for circulars, free.
r. j. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, o.
Css3- Sold by Druggists, Zoe.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Cholly, think that Mr. De We're is a
steupid fellah. Gussie; What's he said nowp
Cholly; asked him whore | could get my
hat blocked and he said, LET 1t stay hrmleh
on my head" think that was an awfully
steupid remahk, can't sec any point to 1T,
Whakeyah.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
Are You Happyq

The woman who sproatably employed Is gsner-
ally happy If you not happy it may bO because you
have not found your proper work We earnestly urge all
such persons to write to B. F. johnson Co.. Richmond
Va, and they show you awOrk in which you can DO
happily and probably employed.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

'Mary," said Mr.. wilkins to his cook,
'you have been good and faithful servant
TO me, and intend you shall be rewarded
now that Christmas has come. You may use
the telephone for 10 minutes every Saturday
afternoon during the holidays"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
breaking tho Ice.

She: If you don't stop letting me sit
down on the same sofa with YOU I'll tell
papa.
Bashful Youth (much bewildered); Ehi
Wha-what will he dop
She: He'll make you marry me.
Then he nronoand.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Wife; But, Charlie, you promised to get
tickets for the matinee this afternoon. Char
Me; Every seat was sold, dear; but We II, 90
to the millinery opening and you can't tell
Che difference after wore in.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

''Heard about old Homestead's trouble
with his wife?" "No, what was itP" "She
found a memorandum reading Ribbon for
typewriter in his pocket last week and Hard
cash has been hard at work ever since trying
to explain"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Would Do Better; Prison Missionary;
Don't you think that after you regain your
liberty you can do betterp Burglar; Well,
l know enough not to have another pal that's
80 durn deaf he can't hear phceman till
ahe'a RIGHT on H.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
-. - = U - Il " VT IUKONIVi U
CsS'- Sold by Druggists, Zoe.

In Picture Gallery.-A.: That's newly
married couple. b.; How do you know
A.: He is always stepping ON her dress.
b.: What does that proven A.: After he
has been married some time and found out
what dress costs he will be more careful.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

She: This is nice time to come in. Be,
My dear, didn't l tell you before we were
married hat wasn't worthy Of you: She;
Yes; but didn't think you would make such
desperate efforts to prove it.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

professor has made the calculation that
if men were really as big as they sometimes
feel there would be room in this island for
only two professors, three lawyers, two doc
tors and reporterson paper. The rest Of
to,swim for it.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Old Gentleman (who has been rather gays
Hum! Want to marry my daughter, eh9 Do
you think you are worthy of herp
Suitor: Well-er-does she take after you
or after her mother2--New York Weekly.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Elbow old are you. my little man?" asked
a gentleman of tot who was less than 4
years of age. ''Im not DID," was the indig-
nant reply. SIN almost new"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Drummer: It Just beats all. Pm travel
ing for an umbrella house, and every place
I've struck has been suffering from drought.
Inventor: I'm travelling with q raln-pro-
iucing apparatus and every place I've struck
vas knee deep in mud.
Drummer: say, let's travel together
New York Weekly.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Barrows: These railway accidents are be-
coming too numerous. | shall travel here
after on bicycle. Mrs. Barrows: But acct
dents are just as common with bicycles.
Barrows: True; but there are never so
many people, killed. There's only one VIC
tim in each case
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Mrs. Simpson; You say her husband ran
away with the hired glrlp How troubled she
must DO over il. Mrs. Sampson; oh, she's
happy now. The hired girl came back next
dou
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
They Never Die.

Mr.. Minks tout for Walk, What lot
OF ugly people there are in the world.
Mrs. Minks: Well, no wonder These pat
emit medicine doctors are always curing em.
Now York Weekly.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Mr.. Hobson during the spat); Maria,
I'm surprised; you're talking through your
hat. Mrs. Hobson with signifcance); Well,
it's the same hat I've had for going on three
winters now
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Little Efiie; Do you love me very much,
mammal Mamma "a widow); Yes, my
darling Little Efiie; Then why don't you
marry the man at the candy Rtorep
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

''Life in this country" said the philoso-
pher, lis a heap like going to the circus.
Soon as fellow gets to the front all the fell
lows on the back seat insist on his sitting
down out Of the way"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Where Darwinism Fails. First Dog; My
master is great scientist. wonder If he
has found out where we came from. Second
Dog (glancing at sausage factory; Guess
not. There's too many missing links.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Mrs. Watts, What is that you are making
nowp Mrs. Potts; A smoking jacket for
my husband. If that doesn't cure HIM OF
smoking around the house | don't know
what will
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

'Well, WELL" sighed the wife, as she fin
ished exploring her sleeping husbands
pockets, without having discovered cent,
''this Is like one of those railroad journeys,
going through without change"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

De Young: What would you call IL, proud
beauty, il your cruelty drove me to kill my
self in your presenceS Proud Beauty; In
fanticide,
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

ats too bad we're not family Of Eslyi-
mos" Elbow would that benefit us anyr
Johnny furnishes blubber enough for the
whole family"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Az. Why does Miss Elderly 90 on tho leo
every time thele is skatingp B.; Because
that's her only chance to see man at her
feet.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Coughing Leads to Consumption.
Kemp's Balsam will stop the cough at
once. Go to your druggist to-day and get
sample bottle free. Large bottles so cents
and $l.00.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
A False Charge.

: Magistrate: What is the charger
Officer: Carrying concealed deadly
Weapons.
Prisoner: IT'S false, your honor. had
40 deadly weapon. Il was only French du-
cling pistoL-New York Weekly,
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

FRTS-Al fts stopped free ny DIR. KLINE'B GRRh
NERVE RRSTORRR. No ht after first days use. Mar.
VeouB Treatise and o. OC trial bottle free to Fla
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Winebiddie: I'd rather be burned to death
at the stake than beheaded. Gildersleeve;
Why? Winebiddle: hot roast is prefer
able to cold chop.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Brown: What 90 you use barb wire fences
for? Hayseed: So the hired man won't
stop to rest every time he climbs over.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Voice Il a. n.y.: What time is it, MaryP
Mary: It's little after 10. papa. Voice /:
Great Scott! And promised to take break
fast wish Watkins at the Astor House.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

"Are things as bad on that railway as they
are said to beP' Worse; why, even the
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

II the Baby Is Cutting Teeth,
Be and that old and well-tried remedy, MIA
WrNsLows SOOTHING SYRUP for Children Teething.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Dicker; Buying ribbons for typewriter
is quite serious item of expense; mine, last
year cost me $40. Ticker: She let you off easy.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Teacher: Johnny, write whole number.
Johnny's slate shows a cipher. Teacher:
What's that, Johnny2 Johnny: That's the
only number that has hole right through it.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

'eWomen seldom indulge in sarcasm"
'sYou think they do not2' GAS a rule they
are too kindly hearted to be sarcastic"
HIN! Did you ever hear them say from
the top of the stairs, This is a nice time to
come home,'n
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND p0 .
IN0S HERE AND THERE.

Jokes and Jokolets that Are Supposed %
Hnvo Been Recently Born-sRyings ana
Doings that Arc Odd, Curious and
LnughAble.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

"Old Soakem has quit drinking" "What
forG" "Six months In jail"
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

No man counts up his thousands without
seeing that they come to naught.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
cRINoLINE FOB cHAPPIEs.

The ''Deah Boys" Can Wear Extensors on
Their shlns If They Want To.
If women finally decide to adopt
the crinoline they may find that they
have no monopoly in the way of ex-
tensive appliances. A Cleveland
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

"Hanson's Magic Corn Salve."
Warranted to cure, or money refunded. Ask your
druggist forit. Price Is cents.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

j euro Constipation and Dyspepsia.
DR.. Shoops Restorative Nerve pills sent FREQ
with Medical Book 10 prove merit for 20 stamp.
Druggists, 2bo. DIN. SHooP. BOX w. Racine Wis
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18
rALMAoE,s TAoERNAoLE.
Its Financial Difficulties Are Nearing n
Crisis.

Rev. DR.. T. Dewitt Talmage fears
that the financial difficulties that be-
set his new Tabernacle at the corner
of Clinton and Gates avenues, Brook
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

Anything "just as good" or as sure to
bring help, could be, and would be, sold In
just that way.
This guaranteed medicine Is an invigora.
ting, restorative tonic, especially adapted to
woman'S needs and perfectly harmless In any
condition Of her system.
1t builds up, strengthens, regulates, and
cures.
For periodical pains, bearing-down gensa-
Hons, liberation, Inflammation thing
remedy that's safe, certain, and proved.
Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-05-18

DON'T LISTEN
10 the dealer who Is bent
on bigger profits. The
thing that he wants you to
buy, when you ask for DIR.
Pierce's Favorite Prescrip-
ton, isn't "just as good"
Proof of this is easy. The
only guaranteed remedy
for the ailments Of woman
hood IL the " Favorite Pre-
scription." II 1t ever fails
TO benefit or cure, In max
ing weak women strong
or suffering women well,
you have your money
back.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16

Paris, Nov. IA Spanish police of
tlcer has arrived here on Il special mis-
sion connected with the recent dyna-
mite bomb outrage at Barcelona He
mas already had several important con-
ferences with the project of police and
with the director Of the detective de-
partment, who have ordered that
French anarchists suspected of being
connected with the anarchists of Spain
are to be carefully watched and that
III some cases their houses are to be
searched.
Several arrests of French anarchists,
suspected of completely in the BARGE
Iona theater explosion, are expecte1.
and it is believed that the Investigation
Will result in disclosures showing that
the anarchists of Europe are acting in
concert, and that all recent dynamite
outrageS and conspiracies have been
carefully planned by a central COM
mlttee, whose headquarters is not
known.
1t will be remembered that the Aus
trian police, when the plot to blow I'D
the British house of parliament was
discovered, made Il similar statement,
and professed to be able to prove be-
yond a doubt that the Austrian anar-
chists were in constant communication
with the anarchists of England and
other parts of Europe, and that the
English and other European anarchists
Were, IN turn, in communication with
the anarchists of Chicago.
Important documents which prove
this connection are now, according to
statements made by the Austrian au.
thorities, in the possession of the police
of Vienna.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
MINED IN HIS LINES.

The Mess Which an Amateur Actor
Made OF Il Very Small Part.
From Washington there comes Il tai.
OF the latest combin ton OF ozone aud
Shakespeare. One day last week Il
company headed by Creston Clarke and
Miss Alberta Gallatin gave an open air
performance Of AS You Like It. on
the grounds Of Mrs John A. Logan.
says the New York Sun.
When the company arriy ed ut Mrs.
Logans place they found that one mem
Der OF the company had failed to ma
terialze. Fortunately the man was
only cast for the minor role of the
Shepherd, and had only five lines to
speak. Still, rs the character was nee
e. Sary for the success of the play
Clarke asked if among the many guests
there did not happen to be one good
amateur actor.
Mrs. Logan thought for a moment,
and then exclaimed: "Oh, l know the
very man, Mr.. Elliott He's sure to be
4 capital actor, because he leads the
german SO beautifully" Mr.. Elliott
turned out to be one of Washington's
most highly gilded youths. After Il
little persuasion he consented TO play
the part. He was carried off to the
dressing room, where Mr.. Clarke SUPER
intended his makeup and coached him
in his lines. He was painfully nervous.
but Clarke gave him a stiff horn Of
brandy and told him to brace I'D. Dur
ing the eXtemporary rehearsal in the
dressing room Elliott declared that he
bad only appeared once on the stage
before 1t was in an amateur minstrel
show, and on that occasion he sang
Maggy Cine'S immortal ode to labor
Il Worked Eight Hours Today" Eli
otis lines in LAS You Like IT, merely
announced the fact that he was an
honest laborer and attended properly to
his ewes and lambs. In the 10 minutes
time he had them off by heart.
But when he made his entrance and
found himself in the right center of
Mrs. Logan's lawn, without any foot
lights to buoy him up and with the
concentrated gaze of some 100 eyet
upon him, his lines took wing. He
paused for moment and stammercd.
Then with Il gurgle of despair be eY-
claimed:
II am an honest knight of labor
[ tend my masters ewes. / work
eight hours a day, and I'll not work
another minute longer"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
AMONG THE GLORIES OF THE
WEST.

Here are Il few of the many remark
able things which the state of Wash
ington has produced:
An apple weighing 2 pounds and 4
ounces.
One strawberry 10 inches in circun-
ference
A bunch of grapes weighing pounds.
An onion weighing 4 pounds and 1
ounce
A potato weighing pounds 4
ounces.
A radish weighing 8 IL pounds.
A beet weighing 30 pounds.
A pumpkin weighing 90 pounds.
A watermelon weighing Ga pouDd~>
A cabbage weighing So pounds
A squash weighing 12O pounds
Timothy feet inches high.
Glover feet high.
Alfalfa from, yield of u tons per
acre.
Cornstalks Il feet high.
A hill of potatoes that yielded AZ
pounds.
SiXty-seven pounds of potatoes from
2 pounds planted.
Hops from yield of 1892 pounds
per acre.
Wheat from yield of 6S bushels per
acre.
Oats from a yield Of 125 bushels per
acre
A blackberry bush showing q feet
growth this year.
A branch from a prune tree SO niche
long, with 46 pounds Of fruit on it.
A lump Of coal weighing 1861
pounds.
A plank so inches wide, 80 inches
thick and 80 feet long, and not knot
on it.-Seattle Press Times.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
MINERS ON A STRIKE.

Ishpeming, Mich, Nov. 9.-The ur
derground miners at the Pittsburg and
Like Angelina mines are on a strike
AL were working on a contract and
ave aging 50 per day guaranteed.
The company will not submit to any
further advance. The strikers will be
giy"n due time to return to work Idle
men are numerous and the strikers
plan"~ can be filed Immediately.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
YALE WINS FROM Z. OF P.

New York, Nov 11.-Yale college
and the University of Pennsylvania
football elevens met at Manhattan
field today It was not a champion
ship game as the university has with
drawn from the league. Big interest
was manifested. nevertheless. 1t was
d well played game on the whole and
ended in favor of Yale Score, Ii to 6.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
HAS A BAD WIFE.
Rich and Aged Chicago Man Sues for
Divorce

Chicago IL, Nov. 11.-AndreW War
rem, so years old and said to be worth
S36O,OOO, has sued for divorce from his
wife. He alleges that she tried to kll
him with both knife and poison, that
she has been very cruel and has pas
sion for specializing ON the board of
trade.
Warren alleges that his spouse has
stolen money from him, sold his clothf r
hay from his barns, trees from his yard
in fact, everything she could find, to
secure money for speculation.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
MISSOURI DEFEATS NEBRASKA

Kansas City, Mo-, Nov. lin the
championship series of the Western
Interstate Football association, the
Missouri State University eleven de-
feated the Nebraska State University
eleven this afternoon by a score of 80
to Is.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
BADGER PLANT BURNED.

Large Furniture Warehouse at San
Francisco Destroyed by Fire.
San Francisco, Cal, Nov 1.-THE
huge furniture warehouse occupied by
the Wisconsin Furniture Company and
the California Furnitpre Company
burned today. Six firemen were
buried by the falling Of the roof, but
were rescued. 1t is thought their in
iuries are not fatal. The loss is $780,
900 and insurance $4,000.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS WINS.

st. Louis Nov. 1.-THE football game
today between the University of Hi
nois and the Pastime Athletic club, of
St Louis, resulted in victory for the
university. Score Is to 16.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16

Washington Star: If David B. HH
has kept a scrap-book Of the things that
have been said in his praise or blame,
he has an extensive and variegated
collection by this time.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16

Buffalo Express: A new word comes
from Kasnas. 1t is 'jointist," meaning
the proprietor of a resort for the il
legal sale Of liquor.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16
REDS IN READINESS
CoNBINAI1ON OF ANARCHISTS
HONEYCOMBS EUROPE.
y CLOSE RELATIONS WITH
AMERICAN DISTURBERS.

Ruled by Il Central Bodv-Disclosure
showing that the Barcelona and
Other OutrageS Are Parts Of a Gen
erh Plot-Other News from For
eiSn Countries.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16

ALA AND DIEECTCAI TO MEET
THIS tWHEK.
CONTROVERSY OVER COMPARE
TIVE SPEED RECORDS.

The Cycle Sulky Faster by Six Sec
onds than the Old-Style Vehicle
Times of Thorn and Maud M-AIay
We Not Be Actually Receling in
Racing?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1893-11-16

1t was just before Longfellow's race
with Kingfsher for the Saratoga cup
in 1871 that old John Harper, his
eccentric owner, gave vent, in his in
structions to his jockey, to the famous
expression run him from eend to eend,"
a saying which has become as famous
among turfmen as the remark made
by the illustrious governor Of North
Carolina to the equally illustrious
governor of South Carolina; or the
epigrammatic request preferred, with
reference to the filing of a certain docu-
ment. by one Colonel Bird to the COVER
nor of Wisconsin-'ROster me no
rosters; do me thine Office quickly