The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1893-12-18
UNHAPPY INGERSoLL.

Colonel Robert G.. Ingersoll, the
fat and rosy apostle of agnosticism,
makes his appearance before the
readers of the Etami1cr in the un-
accustomed character of a pessimist. /
In reply to a question as to why he
would observe Thanksgiving Day,
he replied
New YORK, Nov. %.
To The Editor Of the E.rdminer-l do
not know that | am thankful for what
has happened during the last year. All
| am afraid of is that the Lord will be
misled by those in authority. The times
are hard. Thousands are out of en-
ployment and the future looks dark. |
do not see that the workers have any
thing to be especially thankful for. Be
sides, wheat is low and so is corn.
Farmers are having hard times and are
nearly crazy because they can neither
sell nor collect; so, you see, there is not
much to be thankful for. Then we have
had awful storms. Thousands have
been drowned and many ships have been
wrecked; consequently the sailors have
uOt lluCn W We linen II L
thank God for the good things, what
shall | say about the bad things? All l
can say is that l am glad that things are
no worse aud sincerely hope that they
will he better. X. q. INGERsoLL.
In the course of eighteen lines he
succeeds in COMPRISING four sep
arate iterations of the statement
that there is nothing to be thankful
for. The times are hard Thou-
sands are out Of employment and
the future looks dark" Besides,
wheat is low, and so is corn.
Farmers are having hard times,
and are nearly crazy because they
can neither sell nor collect" Then
we have had awful storms. Thou
sands hive been drowned and
many ships have been wrecked"
Altogether, the only subject for
congratulation is that things are no
worse.
The Colonel should cheer up.
Times are hard, it is true, but we
have not yet heard that he has suf-
fered from them. Even the mistakes
of the Almighty should not annoy
him, since he can get a dollar a
head for telling about them. Be-
sides, the wolf will never howl at
his door as long as he has the in
come from the fee he received for
enabling the star-route swindlers
to escape justice. If he cannot
conscientiously return thanks on
behalf of the remainder of the COM
nunity, it would be only the fair
thing for him to express his APP
probation of the favor enjoyed by
himself and leave the rest of us to
do our own grumbling.
OF course Providence could not
be expected to look after the order
of nature as well as Colonel Inger-
soil could have done it, but on the
whole, it has done reasonably well.
Consider our position, spinning
through infinite space two hundred
times as fast as a rifle ball; sand
wiched between the heat of melted
rock on one side and degree of
cold on the other to which the
climate Of Greenland would be that
Of a conservatory; bounded by
meteors lodging dead suns am
pushed in the murky void; whirl-
ing past none know what malig-
nant stretches of poisonous gases
and plunging toward blazing con-
stellations, in whose breath we
should puff into vapor like drop
of oil in a furnance. Surrounded
by all these elemental dangers we
plod calmly on our way, attend
Colonel Ingersoll's lectures, discuss
the new tariff and play football,
while the Colonel impeaches Provi-
dence because wheat is cheap, trade
dull and the atmosphere OCCASION
ally disturbed by storms. To one
properly conscious Of the situation
of our race, he wonder is that any
of us are alive to grumble. -Ee-
aminsr.