The Red Cloud chief., 1893-09-29
THE HUNGRY q
A G~astronomicai IIypocbondriac who
Was Almost Starved.

asked OF the bony, lathy looking busi-
ness man the other day.
well, would. and pay for it., too
any price, II I knew of anything that
was suitable to eat, and that was
healthful."
How would a good, juicy roast Of
beef go?'
Beef? why ! couldn't cat beef; you
ought never to eat that; all the medical
works say now that beef is very %injuri-
Gus; you see the cattle suffer so from
thirst while en- route from the west
and then the plcuro-pneumonia, ye
know, and the heating nature of beef,
and-why couldn't eat beef, 'twouldn't
do"
Couldn't you eat poultry, chicken
and"
Say" interrupted the hungry man,
don't you know there is nothing more
hurtful for any person, young or old,
than poultry, the chickens, turkeys,
ducks and such are killed nobody
knows when, maybe weeks ago, and
put in cold storage, and they lie there
becoming just frozen dyspepsia breed.
ers."
Cant you eat corned beef or ham
or -"
Say" earnestly interrupted the hun
cry citizen, ham or any sailed meats
are very indigestible; the follicles'
here the clock struck two. and the
man took from his pocket a box of pills,
and placing n carefully on his
tongue, said: ~ ate some oatmeal for
breakfast and you know now oil scien-
fists agree there Is nothing much worse
than oatmeal for the stomach, so I take
this soda mint pill to counterfeit the
effects of it."
1.-THE dewitt" said the friend, ~
thought oatmeal was just a kind Of pap
made for stomachs when they wanted
jacking-up?"
'Oh, no; that was q wrong idea; no
one eats oatmeal now"
"Well, anyhow, there's one blessed
thing you can always depend on, and
that's milk" said the friend.
A look Of horror spread like q plaster
over the hungry fellows face. milk!
Good heavens, man! Don't you know
milk is almost fatal to any one If taken
often: why, I went to one of the first
physicians in this city and he said:
Never drink milk-nothing is more in
furious; milk always forms q curd
in the stomach and is much Of the
root of evil and base of illness among
Americans"
why not cat a cracker with it, to
give the curd something to kind Of
'chaw on'?"
Crackers ruin any ones digestive
powers"
"Well. the heavens be praised! you've
got white bread and all the fruits left
between you and starvation"
THAT reminds me-" said the starved
individual, and his hand sought his
other vest pocket, whence it pulled out
a white folded paper holding a powder,
III ate a banana last night and / forgot
all about 1t till now; l must take this
phenacitine POWDER" and he Tapped it
down. Fruits" he continued, 'are
lives In their own hands; Strawberries
contain an acid which forms q gaseous
poison which will eventually make
anpmia and kindred ills. Currants,
raspberries, whortleberries, blackber
ries are just Us rank poison"
"Well," said the now semi-paralyzed
listener, there are oranges, the blood
suppliers, the"
~ wouldn't eat an orange for q thou
sand dollar BILL" excitedly interrupted
the hungry citizen. "Why, an orange
or an apple has often thrown people
into commissions and been the indirect
cause of heart failure; and tomatoes
another menace to life, it is nov
known, cause cancers and tumors min,
times ont Of ten. No, sir; IL you care
to live, avoid fruit as you would
pestilcnce."
Very humbly the friend suggested
vegetables fresh from the country, bu
he was assured vegetables were tn,
direct medium by which Bright's dis
ease got in its work on the human race
~ always avoid all kinds of vegetables
for my kidneys are weak enough now,
averred the emaciated man
AT our house," he went on, Two al
ways have u continental breakfast
just dry toast, a raw egg, q little cocoa
and that Is all; why, when I think o
the way people used to live it horrifie
me. Up at my grandfather's place they
used to eat pork, sausage, mince pies
turkey with cranberry sauce and sucl
johnny-cakcs and such brown brea'
and beans-oh, my! weren't they goo
Il mean, weren't they injurious!"
"Are all your grandfather's children
dead?'
Dead? Lord, no, man; none of then
They're all living, grandfather, grand
mother and all. But I can't go II
there to stay. ! get my stomach a
upset"
Can anybody drink beer and live?
! inquired the friend.
lie frightened up. Beer" he sale
'is IN of the best things one can taxi
the follicles-"
But his comrade was running an
reckoning to him, and when last see
: they presented their backs to the pu)
, lie and their faces to the bar man, WI
, was filling two schooners, frothing wit
. the n thing good for the "follicles
the stomach."-N. Y. Recorder.
, Practical Lesson In Physics.
No., Nos NI,l1y ,nl varn ~,