The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1893-03-30
FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS.
Reporter Who Could Write without Ex-


a Reporter VINO Could write Wunout Elk
aggerating.
"Now," said the editor of the Quo.
hosh Genius of Liberty to his reporter,
I'm your work shall look for ca Inn,
dispassionate statement of fact My
paper is noted for its veracity, and nc
exaggeration is allowed on any subject.
Do you think you understand that
clearly?"
Eyes, SIR"
'Then you may attend the Skimgul-
let-Dumsquizzle wedding which takes
place at noon to-day, and I'll see how
you handle it." said the editor, turning
to his desk.
This is what the new reporter handed
in after the festivities were overs
1T is the custom of most newspapers,
in giving accounts of local weddings,
to speak of the bride as beautiful, even
II she is as ugly as mud fence. The
Genius of Liberty scorns such fattery,
however, If woman is beautiful, we
hesitate not to say SO, but if she is not
it is not our fault. We proclaim the
fact. We wish we could say that Miss
Melinda Dumsquizzle, who became Mrs
Dennis Skimgullet at noon to-day, was
lovely in form and feature, but we can
not While we have seen uglier girls,
1t must be conceded by all impartial OBJ
servers that brick-dust hair and n null
titude of freckles do not look well on u
bride. However she did the best she
could under the circumstances in wear
in fsNlA al HI -
out as she was, in a dress of cream
satin, looked quite presentable at a dis
lance, Hardly SO much can be
said of her husband, who walked
with limp, and whose sparse
ly settled chin whiskers of a
pale dun color would have improved his
appearance if they had been shaved off.
We ascertained by careful inquiry that
Skimgullet is old enough to be his
wife's father, and has, in point of fact,
committed the offence of matrimony
twice before. Some say that both his
former wives were starved to death;
Others that he worked them to death.
Which is correct, the Genius of Liberty
does not pretend to say. The state
ments are given for what they may be
worth. What Miss Dumsquizzle saw in
him to marry is a mystery, unless
she thought she would be more sue
cessful than her predecessors in get
ting hold of the money which he is said
to keep buried somewhere on his farm.
We heard it said that her father owed
Skimgullet one hundred and thirty-fiv
dollars and that the latter threatened
to have him arrested on a charge of for
gerry if he did not get Melinda to marry
him; but this statement has not been
very numerous, and the most expensive
one that we saw was a peachblow vase
worth a dollar at retail. The couple
left on the accommodation for bridal
tour of two days to Podunk. We asked
the Rev. Y. f. Geticks how much the
groom gave him for tying the knot, and
he said seventy-five cents This, there
fore, can be relied upon as official"
Young man." said the editor, after
reading the reporters account, You
are far too high genius to bury your
talent in small place like Quohosh. l
would like to keep you, but am sure
that wonld be doing you an injustice.
think you had better go to New York,
where your talents will be appreciated
as they deserve. And, by the way.
when you go to the station to buy your
ticket avoid making the fatal mistake
of buying a return ticket. We are fond
of you, but not so very fond that alb
sence could fail to increase it. w. II.
Siviter, in Harper's Magazine.