People's voice., 1893-10-13
Z" ME AND ELI.
How They Would Marry People.

given. Therefore he thinks Me ana
Eli ought TO write him M. Accord
ing TO the plaintiff. the judge USes @
kind of snapshot, kodak sort of
ceremony running something Ike
this:
STAND up-jine hands-circle left
want 'er? r?-take 'er!-haye 'im?-bc>
yours. Man anu wite-fOur Gollars.
please"
And when the reporter ictugn, from
across the hall the agony is all over
aud two have been made one without
lessening the population.
Now, while Ne and Eli arc n,t dis
posed to write tie judge up" we 0r
dcpose and 81, That there are some
things ABOUT this business Ol getting
married that are entirely too short
! too bricf-l1o pointed. One of t.rm
is the ceremony. Ii is an OppOfiunl-
| ty that should not be Skum over. 1t
Is a period that should be fashioned
after extended French Clarendon or
expanded Egyptian-long drawn out
the kind printers use for date lines
in sale bills. We are fully cognizant,
Informed. aware and convinced that
"breyity is the spice OF life, but when
a man is called upon tO marry q cUu'
pie he should realize that il is prOJl,
bly the first, last and only chance he
will ever have to deliver a lecture
where it will do the most good. If
Ne and Eli were doing it. as the Judge
often has and may hereafter, VT
should use a fDrm after this fashion,
II. the probate judge Of the county
Of Sumner, state Of Kansas, city OF
wellington, United States Of North
America, being duly sworn, on my
oath do depOSe and say that ! am nov
about to make two souls happy or mis-
erable. 1t is no choosing of mine, Of
my choice. no match Of my making
| diSclaim any interest in this pro
ceeding, aside from the legal fee. anC
act only as a sworn official in doing {
thing that, if | did not, someone elsC
would do. Now, know all men by
these presents that the act is about
to be did and if anyone objects LET
him forever hold his breath. Bette
do it any how while this solemn cere
mony is being seriously solemnized
The victims will please approach The
bar tbumS, stand back!C. Now, JohT
Joseph distinction and Mary Matild;
! Lankandlean, you stand before me
you stand in your own shoes, if the!
amt borrowed ones; you stand in th,
presence Of these witnesses; you stanC
before the Ruler of the Universe; yOl
stand side by side: y0u stand ant
stand; I'm going to d. you up. How
long do you think you can stand it
The answer is, It'll DEATH" Yer
good. Now, jine hands; look neithe
to the right nor to the left; let no
thy right hand know what the lef
hand dOeth; place your left hand Of
your heart ana repeat after me: |. re
peat your nameSD, John -Mary-JOsept
Observation-Disclosures o I'll or
do sOlemnly swear that | am Of Lawful
age and full of trOuble-that we AM
, we alone are interested in this cor
7 Spiracy-that we will not diyulge th
e secrets given one to another nor prC
, vent anybody else from doing tn
/ same if in our power TO permit-tha
we never did the like before and a
4 this moment do not expect to again
t that if we do we are sorry of it an
e will not do so again until next time
S that we will stick together like tw
: links of dog bolOgna-that |, you, hin
d she, me, her will build the fires an
4 pail the cows-aud do unto one anOtl
+ er as we would have one another
!. unto us.
Having made this vow | now Pre-
S nounce you husband and wife. I'll
+ nextstep you take should be TO pr
e cure a house, as you wouldn't care &
this very moment if you were hiddc
from the eyes Of a curious and wickC
world. But you should not blan
people for being curious. They all Z
e it. Better pay your rent nine montl
in advance. BY that time you wi
probably be so happy you will wis
you had paid it nine years instear
After you get to knowing one an0th,
right well, be careful and both 9.
mad at once. 1t makes things i
p teresting and you viii be carIyiI
out your pledge to ''do unto one a
other as you would be done by" BI
if one of you uses the shoy
4 the other may use the poker for il
q not likely that you will have shoy
apiece and the poker is next to d
= shovel. or would be if kept in
place. After the first matinee ",
os will feel worse than you do right no
~ and should come directly TO Ne al
Eli for furfhp info~mafiOn NVn -.