New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1893-09-03
OLD HIRAM AND THE BOOK AGENT


Wall. SO We want to sell me that ar book on
etiquette do ye? Tells we how to behave, hey?
Tells we how walk into parlor thout fallin'
over yer own feet an gettn' mixed up with yer
self? Tells we all bout them things? But VIII 1t
tell we how to lead caff thout compernzin yer
dignity wen We try to drive the caff eastby-north
an the caf wants to go south-bywest? VIII 1t
tell We how to drive flock er turkeys wen ev'ry
one on em wants to go 'tother way from the rest
of EN-? VIII It tell We how to drive em an still
be perfectly perte all the time?
Oh it don't tell we how to ack in the barn, but
on'y In society O-h-h-h! SO man wants to ack
diff rent in society from what he does in barn,
does he? Wall. l thought a man who had
| good barn edercation II he edercated in the
right kind OF barn, among the right kind or
critters, had a good 'nough edercaton for society
| | alus keep the ten Commandments in my barn.
| Spose we have new and improved commandments
| in society? Got some better regerlations than the
| Golden Rule, spose? Kinder oil fashioned, amt
1t? Cot suthin an more pere, | spose?
oh. it tells ye how to walk gracefully. does 1t?
Wall I learned to walk ffty-eight odd years ago.
an I never have no trouble in maxim my feet
reach down to the groun, an l don't b'leeve
your etiquette book'll make 'em reach any further
Guess don't need no book to tell me to put one
lag afore the other; an IL ever git so I can't
walk I'll hitch up the oil mare an ride
| What's that. hey? Learns we good manners, does
It? Wal I'll bait we ten dollars 1t don't do sich
thing Ye can't teach man good manners, young
Teller more'n you can teach fish TO climb tree
oh. you dress up a man in a white dickey. an
| top him off with a stovepipe, an tell him how to
| bow, an sashay. an tie his necktie. an twddle
his cane, an fuddle with his eyeglass, an say
purity things to the women folks, an one thing an
| another. We do all them things. an 1t don
help "A mans manners tall You've gotter take
out his heart an scour 1t with the soap er human
fine book er yourn tell We how TO do that, youne
Teller? I'm old codger an not supposed to
know nothin', but ! tell we manners that don
| spring right outer the heart humbug, an a
critic. but he amt gentleman. Your book ma,
teach man to eat with his fork. an some othe
fool tricks, but IL can't teach true manners more
you can teach mud turtle to fly.
Wall. dunno. l dunnos know. But | dom
bleeve I've got any business in society T don
grow into II. Yes. oh yes, you can blow cinde
into mans eye. but 1t don't feel confer Bile WEI
thinkn' time ye put ii there This ain
no place for me-" Ya-as ye can push a man int
society where he don't b'long, but he feels as un
man can't change himself. like a tree toad, t
the color of every tree he cings to, an look Wit
on birch an green. on pine an gray on
maple. I'm the same oil frecke-face, whether In
as an elephant In er chiny store wen git int
society that don't At me-a sorter roomatiz in m.
features that makes me want to out in the barn
with the other critters. an rest my face.
Don't bleeve | want yer etiquette book, younl
Teller; don't b'leeve | do But you might take
into the house an show 1t to my gals. They ar
kinder sentimental an like to read love poetry
all about weepn' willers. an graveyards, an SIGH
an one ems got a beau. Shouldn't wonder
r bit II you could work off book on her.
, SAM WALTER FOSS.