Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1893-04-20

OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INOS HERE AND THERE.
Jokes and JOkelets that Are Supposed to
Have Been Recently BOrn-sayIngs and
DoinRs that Are Odd, Curious and
LRughRble.
shnrps and Flats.

UnaJ il on IOOU, -hOcneSuer HOSU.
If you want to know a woman's
faults, ask her dearest female friend.
WE may as we'll settle on the snow
drop as the national flower, --Phila-
delphia Record.
"MY wife," said Squills, proudly,
lis queen Of the tea-table, and she
never reigns but she pours."
"OH, DEAR" whimpered little Bill
leboy, looking out at the storm, "this
is very weathery winter Boston
Herald.
WHAT are you wearing glasses for?"
"For my eyes, stupid. S'pose Pm
wearing them for corns?"- brakes
Magazine.
The widow--Did you marry in
haste and repent at leisure? The
divorcee-Not much. We married
leisure and repented in haste. Truth,
Observation-Disclosures aqueer chap
Blobbs--How so? Wigwag-He got
hot last night when his cook let the
furnace fire go out.-Philadelphia
Record.
WATTs-What is the matter with
Thompson? He has got so he STAN
mers all the time. Potts His wife
made him stop swearing. -Indianap-
oils Journal.
A MAINE man will send to Chicago
a spar sixty feet in length and with
out a bend or crook in it. 1t would
make a fir straight flagstaff, -Phila-
delphia Ledger.
KENTUCKY seems to have the lions
share Of the patronage so far. She
has furnished the Secretary of the
Treasury and the White House cook.
Boston Herald.
IMMIGRANT inspector ma
tionality, please. Immigrant-Oirish.
Immigrant inspector-What is your
occupation? Immigrant - Dim
Frinch nurse, Puck.
"WAs Rome founded by Romeo?"
inquired a pupil of the teacher, "No,
my son." replied the wise man; lit
was Juliet who was found dead by
Romeo, brakes Magazine.
HUSBAND pity the poor milk
man this morning; he looks awfully
discouraged since these inspectors
were appointed. Wife-Yes, but the
milk doesn't look quite so blue, In
ter Ocean,
THE Idaho Senator who accom-
panied charges against fellow-mem-
Der by a bottle Of mucilage, which he
threw at the latter's head, evidently
wanted his charges to stick, -Phila-
delphia Ledger.
81 HAVE good news for you, cousin
Emily. My uncle has just settled all
my obligations. "Is that so? Then
he must have married all the girls to
whom you have engaged yourself. -
Fliegende Blaetter.
MERCHANT Catching his clerk max
ing love to his daughter during bust
ness hours)-Why, Herr Mueller,
what is this? De | pay you salary
for this kind of work? Clerk-No;
do it gratls.-Ulk.
RUTH-"No girl could have refused
him If he had proposed to her as
sweetly as he proposed to me-" Ma
bel-"But you must remember, dear,
that he has had great deal Of expe-
rience. "--Harper's Bazaar.
The New York Sun reports that
old Diogenes lately returned to the
earth with a lantern to repeat the
looking-for-an-honest man act, but
was seen two hours later cunning for
the scoundrel who stole my lantern"
Mr.. LEGAL GABBY-If your neigh
boris dog Injuries one of your chick
ems you can collect damages, but if
he Injuries one of your children you
cannot. What is the moral of that?
Friend-Raise chickens. Texas Sift-
ings.
THE janitOr of one of the Portland
public schools, coming into the class
room one day recently saw on the
blackboard this sentence: "Find the
greatest common divisor." "Hullo,"
said he, "is that burned thing lost
again?"- Kennebec journal.
Il UNDERSTAND young Briehess is
about to marry the daughter of old
Bonds, the millionaire eyes, SO l
am told" "Will he give up the law
business?" eyes; he will give up the
law business and go into the son-in-
law business. "-Texas Siftings.
II MADE an angel cake that was
elegant and one that was awful"
said Maud. This is the third, and it
will decide whether or not l can be
considered an expert" Il could tell
this was the rubber" said Harry, as
he tried the cake.-Harper's Bazaar
Do YOU take the Texas Agrlcult-
urist?" Il used to, but I don't any
more. The editor insulted me-"
Really! In what way?" The other
day l called on him and asked his
opinion as to the best way Of raising
hogs, and he told me to pull myself
up with derrick. Texas Siftings.
STRANGER after placing a ther-
mometer In bath-tub full of hot
water)-"See, now, the water, in
stead Of being 25 degrees, as 1 Or
dered, is 81 degrees" Attendant
"I'm not surprised at that, consider
ing how long you let the thermome-