Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1893-03-23
Following Instructions.

Now" said the editor of the Quohosh
Genius Of Liberty to his reporter, lin your
work shall look for calm, dispassioaate
statement OF fact. My paper is noted for
its veracity, and no exaggeration is al
lowed on any subject. Do you think you
understand that clesrly?'
yes, sir"
Then you may attend the Skimgulet-
DumsQuizzle wedding, which takes place
at noon to-day, and I'll see how you handle
it" said the editor, turning to his desk.
This is what the new reporter handed In
after the festivities were over:
1T is the custom Of most newspapers,
in giving accounts of local weddings. I"
speak of the bride as beautiful, even II she
is as ugly as mud fence. The Genius Of
Liberty scorns such flattery, however. If
a woman Is beautiful, we hesitate not to
say so. but il she is not il Is not our fault.
We proclaim the fact. We wish we could
say that Miss Melinda Dum-quizzle. who
became Mrs. Dennis Skimgulet al nooi
TO day. was lovely In form and feature
but we cannot While we have seen ug.
lier girls, it must be conceded by all i'm
partial observers that brick dust hair and
a multitude of freckles do no, look well on
a bride. However. she did the best she
could under the circumstances in wearing
a tocrably thick veil, and rugged out a
she was in dress OF cream satin looked
quite presen table at distance. Hardly 50
much can be said of her husband, who
walked with a limp, aud whose sparscly
settled chin whiskers Of pale dun color
would have improved his appearance II
they had been shaved of. We asce.tained
by careful inquiry that Skimguilet is old
enough to be his wife's father. and has In
point of fact, committed the offence OF
mstrimony twice before. Some say that
both his former wives were starved to
death; others, that he worked them to
death. Which Is correct. the Genius Of
Liherty does not pretend to say The
statements are given for what they may
be worth. What Miss Dumsquizzle saw
In him to marry is mystery; unless -he
thought she would be more successful
than her predecessors In getting hold Of
the money which he Is said to keep buried
somewhere on his farm We heard It said
that her father owed Sk!mgullet sl35, and
that the latter threatened to have him ar
rested on charge of forgery II he did not
get Melinda 10 marry him; but this state
ment has not been verified yet. The pres
ents were not very numerous, and the
most expensive one that We saw WAS a
ptacnDInw vase worth dollar at retail.
The couple left on the accommodation for
a bridal tour of two days to Podunk, We
asked the Rev \ T.. Geticks how much
the groom gave him for tying the knot,
and he said seventy hve cents. This
therefore, can be relied upon a. official"
Young man" said the editor. after
reading the reporters account, you are
far too high genius Ia bury your talent
in a small place like Quohosh. | would
like to keep you, but am sure that would
be doing you an injustice, think you
had better go TO New York, where your
talents will be appreciated as they deserve
And, by -the-way. when you 20 to the sta
ton to buy your ticket, avoid making the
fatal mistake OF buying return ticket.
We are fond OF you but not 50 very fond
that absence could fail to Increase it,
W. II. SlvITER, 10 the Editors Drawer, in
HIrrfr's HIg1-iHe for March