Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1893-04-26
NAPOLEON'S WOOING.

ing wood fire one hot evening In July,
Napoleon Grove felt that he was in
deed born to misfortune like the
sparks that flew upward.
For forty years he had titled the
stony, stubby little farm which at Its
best had never yielded its owner more
than precarious living, and now at
the age of so he was alone in the
world, having few months pre-
yiOusly buried his third wife.
Whether il was owing to an inner
ent delicacy of constitution, lack of
appreciation and tenderness on his
part, or too continuous diet of
stewed yellow eyed beans and pork,
we are unable to determine, but for
some mysterious reason Napoleon's
wives refused to thrive on his hands,
and drooped and pined away, one
after another until he was almost
convinced that in his case marriage
was failure.
That he had been his own house
keeper for period of seven months,
every room and closet in the dreary
old farmhouse bore evidence, and the
numerous scars on his hands and arms,
testified to the burns and scalds he
had received during his cooking oper-
atiOns.
For Napoleon was peculiarly un-
fortunate in his culinary experiments.
If after serious reflection, he decided
that he could afford a small roast tor
the Sunday dinner, to which he in
variably invited his old crony, lothian
Sparks, that rOaSt-sO tenderly
watched and jealously guarded for
hOurs-was in the end temporarily
forgotten, while Napoleon was grap-
pling with the biscuit problem, and
burned to a blackened crisp.
He baked beans without pork, for
got 10 put the meat in his soups, or
the salt and pepper in his vegetable
hash; left out the sweetening from
his apple pies, the salt from his but
ter, the eggs from his custards, and
wondered why he had no appetite.
After a multitude of disastrous fail
ures similar to the ones we have re-
corded, Napoleon resolved he would,
from motives of economy and other
wise, cOntne himself exclusively to a
diet of -four biscuit hot from the oven,
alternating with such relishes as mo-
iasscs, fried pork fat, and the I'M
savory production which once 10 four
weeks he churned, and spanked and
patted with his big, hairy hands, and
designated as "butter."
Three times a day regularly, NapO-
leon produced a small wooden dough
dish, and after mixing together sour
milk, saleratus and -four, tOiled and
sweated over the sticky mass until it
went into the oven huge, unsIghtly
Jumps Of spotted dough, and came
out the same.
1t might have been the legitimate
result Of eating his own hot biscuit,
but within a few weeks he had devel-
oped into a gloomy pessimist. He
neglected the poultry and stock, al
lowed the weeds to flourish IN the
garden, and seemed to have lost all
interest in life.
Everything went wrong with Napo-
leon. The old COW went dry three
months earlier than usual, and the
twO-year-old heifer chOked to death in
her stall. As natural sequence, his
groans and signs became louder and
more frequent.
Thirty hens and two rOosters cackled
shrilly from morn to till night, and
though he crawled under the barn on
his hands and knees at the risk of a
personal introduction to a skunk who
made his headquarters there, and
climbed ladders to the highest scaf-
folds az the risk of breaking his neck,
not a solitary egg gladdened his anx-
tous eyes.
One morning his friend and SYM
pathizer, Uncle lothian Sparks, called
before breakfast to borrow rake.
"Jest hevin' a bite, hey?" OBJ
served Uncle lothian, his eyes wan
dsring to the bare pine table adorned
by tin of steaming yellow biscuit.
"Ya-a-s," answered Napoleon in a
dissatisfied tone, "I'm tryin' to heat
n drop O. water to make a cup o. tea
TO go with them ere biscuits. Won't
you hev a biscuit, Jotham?"
"N-no-no," responded lothian with
alacrity. "Thanky, I've been to
breakfast an hour ago"
' II know it's late, " sighed Napoleon.
but I've had a regular tussle to heat
this dipper o. water. l broke my tea
kettle by pourin' cold water in it
when it was red hot, and hain't had
any tea-kettle TO use all summer. It's
terrible hard for a man that hain't
never been used TO putterin' round
the house to do their own cookin' and
housework."
ut must be, vum," said lothian,
and he edged away to an open win
dow to avoid an offensive Odor that
arose from a bean pot on the stove
hearth.
-"Ieth..a," said he solemnly,
"Jotham, amt you seen, can't you
see that I'm fallin' from the crust?"
Jotham shook his head mournfully
as he stopped to light his pipe.
"Yes, Napoleon, I've seen all sum-
mcr that you've been failin'; you've
grown old, and thin, and gray, and
bent over, and don't look much like
the man you was year ago."
"Do you think I'm pinted for the
grave, JOtham?" he groaned.
W. SdlN iAC blhDAlFs DuI lOu
won't live six months unless you get
some woman here to cook your vittles,
and do your washin', and keep the
house wholesome. Why don't you
hire woman, and pay her so much a
week
II couldn't afford it, all the income
git from the farm wouldn't pay her
wages. l think myself, not relishin'
my vittles has something to do with
my Unhappy fellins'."
"You might git married." sug-
gested lothian.
"Ya-a-s, I've thought o. that. I
know Of smart. likely woman that's
wuth s~me prupputty that 1 think
would jump at the chance to get
me to-day. Sne's a widder that |
couTted some when l was young, and
lives on farm somewhere in Slough
ton. I'd slick up little, and 60 up
and see if she would like to change
her condition, if 'twasn't for neigh