The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1893-11-11
TELEGRAMS De M0RTUS.
Yellow Envelopes which Cause Alarm and
Anxiety.

and certainly indescribable. To the
monumental mind, battle, murder or
sudden death are the only occurrences
which Justify a recourse TO the electric
fluid as a means of conveying informa
ton, and as a result every telegram is
regarded as destructive 70 domestic
happiness.
The messenger boy whose appearance
at the door causes the lady of the house
to shrek: "a telegram. Somebody must
be dead.' soon grows 5lase under the
experience, and rothing short of reduc
ton in his salary or the assassination of
the President would cause his pulses to
stir beyond their rate.
Yet, as "a matter of fact large number
of private kilograms do relate to the
three great events In the human pilgrim
age-birth, marriage and death. OF the
three, death puts more into the Golfers of
the telegraph companies than the other
two combined. The cid saying that bad
news travels quickly" has one more
verificatiou in the hundreds of death
messages sent by wire every day. 1t is
standing jest in telegraph offices that
more people die on Sunday than on any
other day in the week; for ia the absence
of the usual volume of kilograms relating
to strictly business affairs, those announ
ciug deaths and funeral arrangements
stand out with unusual prominence, and
their frequency becomes apparent.
1t may seem sacriligious to say that
maUy of the death kilograms" sent over
the wires have a grotesque side, yet it is
SO. The hard worked operators who
handle them cannot avoid seeing it in all
the rush. and many smile goes around
the telegraph office over the unoouth
way in which sincere affiction has been
announced. Illiteracy accounts for many
of these grusomely amusing announce
ments; the mental agitation accompany
ing the loss of relatives or friends
accounts for more; but there is undoubt
edly a certain percentage which are
ridiculous in CHASTITY fashion because
of actual hard heartedness on the part OF
those sending them. To the last class,
in all human probability, belongs the
telegram sent By Daughter to announce
with cheerful levty that" Mamma kicked
11.30 last night. We will try to make
burial on Monday" But such instances
naturally, are rare.
1t was illiteracy, together with a
solemn sense that the occasion demanded
something extra in the way of emotional
EXPIRE sscn that prompted a sorrowing
man to struggle over telegraph form
for fifteen minutes and finally to hand 20
the receiving clerk a message which
briefly read: MY wife is laing pointed
at death" The operator to whose lot it
fell to translate this into the Morse dots
and dashes audibly hoped that she was
pointed in the right direction, and the
startling announcement went on to dis
charge its mission. From another
afflicted Benedict went out the cry: My
white is VERY i'll. Come now and the
Dews that "Ma is very bad with amonia"
must have carried sorrow with it in spite
of it's decidedly doubtful orthography
ard etymology. One OF the commonest
stumbling blocks in spelling with the
unlettered is Illustrated by the message
which said simply: "Our little boy died
-cholerain phantom" and the Difficult
ties of rhetorical construction are plainly
marked in the telegram which read:
George is dying in haste, answer
Serene trust in the hereafter was car
ried to an almost ludicrous extent by the
mourners who teiegraphed to friends
that Grandpa Jones peacefully left for
his heavenly homo this morning." follow
ing it up by the very practical remark
that ANY suggestion about interment
will be thankfully received" ''Polly is
dead-she ate Matches" left the curious
operator in doubt as TO whether Polly
was the infant daughter of the house, or
the beloved family parrot; but the dang
ers of phosphorus we're set forth for all
the world to see. Funeral tomorrow;
floral tribute will be very acceptable"
reminds one involuntarily of Nose Skin
ner's ingenious plans for arranging
silver wedding SO as to avoid duplication
of presents; and the Geographic instruc
lions to Give the dear one decent burial
and send BILL" are a judicious mixture
of properly controlled feeling and truly
Yankee thrift.
Authorizations are dangerous articles
of commerce at all times, but particularly
so in the case OF kilograms, where periods
and commas with their helpiully explain
atory functions, are usually dropped cut
in transmission. One individual failed
to realize this and probably from a mis-
taken desire to cconomize, telegraphed
to relatives: Jane died yesterday. Fun
at o'clock Sunday" IL took some time
to realize that "fun" was a contraction
for funeral" and that no hilarious dis
respect was intended to the deceased.
Post n ortem statements aud actions
from departed friends seem sometimes TO
be indicated in kilograms, though if any
one were to intimate such thing to the
senders thereof they would probably be
among the most shocked and iusulted of
humanity. One might almost be forgiven
a spasm of uncanny terror al telegram
reading, our mother is dead and wants
you to come home," and the anti climax
of seriousness seems to have been
reached by the man who telegraphed,
Ann Su it'll is dead. Not able to bury
herself"
Not many years ago prominent clti
zen of a Southern town died suddenly.
the thoughts of Northern friend
turned with sympathy toward the surviy
ing members of the family, and it entered
his heart to telegraph his condolences at
once to the widow. U Unfortunately he was
an absept minded man, and being accus
toned to communicate with his dead
friend on matters of business, the mes
sage as it reached its destination read
ITO John Smith: Please accept assur
ances of my sincere sympathy in your
fiery trial." Another lazy yet condolent
friend wired to grief stricken family: |
"You all have my profound sympathy, |
but my presence would pot add any !
= tn iaf no al A.,