The record-union., 1893-05-12
UNPROFITABLE ENTERPRISES.
Squink q 6miser's Attempt 10 Rear
POrcupines;
They Then Tried Ostrich Farming On
an Original Plan-Wrecked by
an Agents Perfidy.

A friend of mine, named Smiser, who
had acquired a rodent ranch down in
Cactus County, made overtures to me to
go down there and engage with him in
raising porcupines.
Smiser was of an ambitious and enter
prising temperament, and figured that
we could raise porcupines enough to sup
ply quill toothpicks to the masses, and
eventually become chief engineers of a
stupendous monopoly.
The scheme looked we'll on paper, and
as he represented that the labor required
was very small factor in the enterprise,
and as the firm name Of "Squink Il
Smiser" was an attractive combination, I
concluded to go, after l had come to per-
sonalities with local creditors.
Raising porcupines for toothpicks
might pay in France, but the elite of this
country are either too indifferent to the
minor luXuries of life or too partial to
false teeth, which don't need picking; at
any rate, we couldn't make it pay.
Smiser was man of resources, how
ever, and when porcupines wouldn't pay
he turned a handspring, reversed MS
brains and soon evolved another scheme,
still more elaborate and promising than a
toothpick trust.
1t was about the time the ostrich idea
reached this coast, and Smiser thought
his ranch was peculiarly adapted to fowls
of that species. l told him the climate
would cook all the eggs, or the coyotes
would get them, and that ostriches were
almost as much trouble to handle as
porcupines; and | tried other arguments
to reduce his enthusiasm.
While we were raising porcupineS we
got so full of quilts we couldn't change
our clothes without using tweezers for
four or five hours. and | was afraid of
other new and original industries. l was
opposed to industries on general princi-
pies then, and l have never got over this
redeeming trait i'll my character.
1t wasn't any use to talk to Smiser-he
never learned anything. All his genius
was hereditary. He came into the world
a natural born, full-hedged promoter,
and no one could fix up any rules for him
to go by.
lie explained that he didn't propose
to turn $500 ostrlches loose to construct
eggs for coyotes-in fact he didn't pro-
pose to start with ostriches. Ali he
wanted was supply Of eggs and good
sized incubator, and anyone with even
less than ordinary intelligence could sue
ceed. He said it was the best chance ever
offered me.
1t required too much talent to make
any kind of an argument stick TO Smiser,
and the result was we traded off our por-
cupineS to an undershirt factory, to weave
in with lamb's-wo and eider-down for
wealthy wearers, and Smiser was iovful.
We then mortgaged the ranch and sent
an agent to Africa, Arabia and other
quarters for ostrich eggs while Smiser and
l went to work on the biggest and most
pretentious incubator ever constructed
salt was made of galvanized iron. with
IT FTNr
an automatic shaker, to keep them from
cooking on one side; henonometer,
steam blow-otf, and an electric attach
ment that blew whistle and opened out
chute for the birds as soon as they were
Matched and began to kick around.
As far as the incubator was concerned
our new enterprise was an assured and
guaranteed success, and while we awaited
a consignment of eggs from our Arabian
agent we were busy figuring profits in
advance and fixing up an ostrich price
list.
AS soon as the first crate of eggs ar
rived we loaded them into the incubator,
pressed the button, and waited for the
machine to do the work-we did the rest.
1t was the most satisfactory and fascinat-
ing occupation ever engaged in at this
stage. All we had to do was to sit around
and listen. We didn't know how long it
took ostriches to hatch, but as the eggs
were of different sizes, and some OF them
seemed to have been picked a little
green-while few were over-ripe-we
figured that most Of them would hatch
by degrees, which they did.
1t was about four weeks before the
automatic whistle blew, a small flag shot
up on the sm0ke-stack of the incubator,
the electric enumarator counted 'one''-
and the first bird came down the chute
to take a synopsis of his surroundings.
The first bird was evidently not an
ostrich, and while we were somewhat
surprised at the bird we were pleased
with the incubator and couldn't blame
our agent for getting swindled on one egg
in a big invoice.
Number one looked like a mudhen of
some foreign style, and we gave it to a
boy, who went away happy-although he
didn't know what he had.
After this our real trouble began. The
whistle blew again the next day, and then
every few hours, day and night that au-
tomato incubator turned out new sur
prise in the way of foreign and unidenti-
fed fowls.
in the course of a few days more Smi-
ser began TO get excited. The machine
worked all right, but there was some
thing very wrong with the eggs. Wher-
ever our perhdious agent got such col
lection we never ascertained. but the in
cubator certainly turned out everything
that was in them-or elsewhere-except
ostriches.
At the end of a month from the advent
of number one we had a collection of
young but ambitious birds that would
have stocked taXidermist for life-but
there was nary ostrich.
We thought we might be mistaken in
some of them until we counted their toes.
but there were no ostriches. There were
cranes and peIicans, eagles and owls.
large assortment OF condors, boa con-
strictors and puzZards. together with a
lot of wild turkeys and ordinary tame
geese, swans, kangaroos and lbexes. and
some other birds not recorded or unac-
counted for, and unknown to ornitholo-
gists. The few genuine ostrich eggs in
the lot seemed to be made of plaster and
wouldn't hatch.
The result was failure. We were pre-
pared to rear ostricheS, but not to handle
a menagerie. Smiser was ruined and
desperate, and he set off with the deter
mination to find the agent who collected
the disreputable eggs, while | turned the
ranch over to the creditors.
Smiser wrote me later, saying he had
found the agent, and, at the time he
wrote, had him stuffed and in a glass
case. He said if there was any chance to
recover the ranch he would like to locate
some south Carolina colonists there and
plant it in peanuts and 'possums.
l had his letter returned to him from
the dead-letter ollce. SQUINK.
The Irnnrovement of IIo,sas