The Van Buren press., 1893-12-02
TIE OLD SETTLER.
He and the Sheriff Discuss the
Worlds Fair.


Worlds Fair.
The sheriff had come back from the
world's fair, and was telling OF all the
wonders he had seen. His description
of the sights of the White City WIS list
ened to by the boys at the tavern with
open mouths and bullying eyes. When
he described. almost in whisper. the
things he had seen at the Midway Plai-
ance. among others the oriental dances,
even the landlord got up and exclaimed:
sThunder But I wisht I'd ben
there, shurff r.
And the squire moved about in his
chair and said:
ut beats ALL I'll bate II them folks
d come here an do anything o that
kind they'd soon get duclsed up yender
in the mill pond! An var seen it, did
ye, shurff r.
..Yesl" replied the sheriff. "Yar bet
did!"
..Thunder!" exclaimed the landlord,
going behind the bar and taking four
fingers Of the best "But wisht I'd q
ben therelp
But the Old Settler sat in his chair
without Q word. His lips were COM
pressed and he looked straight ahead
into vacancy He was listening. but
nothing the sheriff talked about in two
hours verbal panorama of the worlds
fair seemed to be of any moving inter-
est to him. At last, when the sheriff
had exhausted his subject and himself
and ceased talking. the Old Settler
came out Of the vacancy. He showed
his hat to the back of his head and,
turning to the sheriff. said:
.Them things is all right ez fur ez
they 20, but who winned the four-min-
ute race fer hosses bred In the coun-
try?"
The sheriff was dazed. 1t was some
time before he could make reply.
"Why, MAJOR" said he, .they didn't
have any four-minute race for horses
bred in the country. You see"
sAn' were the double-headed calf
alive, or only Just stuffed?" said the
Old Settler, cutting the sheriff short
swell, major" the sheriff began,
ssthe fact is"
"An' wat were the heft O. the prize
punkin?" said the Old Settler, waving
the sheriff off.
81 didn't see any prize punkin, ma
ior," said the sheriff, resignedly.
"Did The feller with the tame bar
hev him trained proper, or did he hef
to hev q muzzle on him?" asked the Old
Settler.
II don't think there was any trained
bear ON the grounds" said the sheriff.
Whose OIL woman got the four-shil'n
prize fer the best cider apple sass9" un-
selentinely the Old Settler went on.
.sYou don't seem to understand. ma
jor-"
.sWere the patchwork quiltin' wuth
lookin' at, or didn't ye notice?"
.'Major-"
s.Who ketched the CREASED pig, an
wat did they give him fer doin' OF it9"
.'Greased pig! Why, major. there
wasn't any CREASED pig at this fair!"
"Who had the best rooty bagies, an
wat were the shown ez to mouse
nose 'taters?"
''Gracious, major!"
"Who spoke the piece bout the best
way to shet out snifiles in sheep, an
how to cure mules o kickin'3"
''The subjects weren't mentioned,
major"
.'An' how did the pullin' match 'twixt
the team o. hosses an the yoke O. steers
suit the folks, shurft?"
..See here. major! They didn't have
any OF those things out there! None OF
theml'
The Old Settler was silent for awhile,
and then said:
Didn't understan' ye to say that
ye'd ben to the fair, shurff?"
certainly. The worlds fair"
1.-THE fair ben ahearin' SO much
about fer year an better?"
"Yes. There's only one."
.'An ones enough, b'goshl' ex-
claimed the Old Settler Folks must
a-lost all their grit, nowadays, to stand
being took in so, without sayin' durn
word back! Wat do ye s'pose they'd
a-done in the Sugar swamp deestric' II
they'd a-gone to one O the fairs they
usety hev there, an, arter payin' their
little two shil'n' to get in, they was
told that tina want gointer be no four
minute race fer hosses bred in the
county? An that the fair hadn't
CREASED NO pig to be chased? An that
the two-headed calf want on hand,
not even stuffed? An that patchwork
quiltin' were shet out that year. an
cider apple sass want on the bills? An
that they want takin' no stock In
prize punkins, or in rooty bagies, or in
mouse-nose 'taters. an that the hoss
team want gointer pull 'g'inst the
yoke o. steers? Gosht'lmighty, shurff.
The folks o. Sugar swamp d a-riz up ez
one man. bgosh! They'd a-took the
bosses O. that fair out an rid 'em on a
rail from Dan to Beersheeby! They'd
s-ripped down tents, an they'd a-slath-
er'd sheds. an they'd a-druv things
sforc 'em clean to the mountains O.
Hepsidam, b'gosh. where the whang-
noodle mourneth for her young! What!
A fair without no four-minute trot fer
hosses bred in the county! A fair with
out NO double-headed calf! But, say,
shurff, yer foolin', hain't ye? Tha must
a-ben double-headed calf at this fair
ye ben to-"
mot one, major"
ssNot even q stuffed one?"
sNot even stuffed one"
'.Then, sir, b'gosh, no wonder the
kentry is totterin'l A fair where tha's
. lot O. heathen gals from Afferky or
Injy, or some'rs else where tha hain't