The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1893-03-10
The DIAGRAM MAN.
The Missing Bride; or, George Monteith's
Fatal Mistake.


Fatal Mistake.
They had reached Niagara falls on their
bridal tour-George Monteith, the we'll
known plumbers son, and Edith d'Au-
vergne, the only daughter of the president
OF the Crystal Lake Ice company. (See ad-
vertisements on our eighth page under the
heading of Bold Highway Robberies-Are
the Police PowerlessYO
They stood on the shore of Goat island
and watched the mad rush of waters. The
waters there got mad several hundred years
ago and still continue to do business. They
stood according to the following diagram,
which is drawn on scale Of four dollars
for the first hour and two dollars for each
subsequent hour, or fifteen dollars for an
hour and half, unless you are big enough
to lick the hackman:
Any one who has ever bought ten cent
relic for two dollars at Niagara will recog-
nize the above picture at glance. An ex-
ira charge of $3.50 will be made for such
recognition, and you will also please keep
off the grass.
We have thus far spoken only of George
and Edith, but it is now time to bring in
the mother-in-law. She had insisted on
accompanying the pair to protect George
from the bunko men. AS the trio stood
gazing upon that awful struggle of nature
a sudden thought flashed through his mind.
Why not seize the old gal and pitch her
into the drink? 1t would be no crime.
There was no law against drowning a
mother-in-law. All that the most biased
jury could make out of it would be breach
of social custom.
The goat of Goat island bleated dis
mally. An owl in the dark forest uttered
his wild, weird "Hoo-h-o-o-om The signs
denoted success. George Monteith was
conservative, however. No plumbers son
ever PUSHES things. He thought it just as
well to speak to Edith about it, and he
presently whispered;
Darling, would itpain you?"
"Not painl' she bravely replied.
"Do you think she will sink?"
"She's bound to- She's got twenty-seven
big silver dollars in her pocket, and they
will pull her out of sight like a ton of
brickw
George nerved himself for the crisis. As
he was nerving his nerves there was a
movement at his elbow, but he did not no
tice it, Turning with the swiftness of a
sleeping car porter pocketing quarter, he
seized the woman in his mighty grasp,
held her suspended between the heavens
and the earth for an instant, and then
chucked her far out upon the turgid, tum-
bling, terrific, foaming waters which had
borne so many other mothers-in-law to the
gates of paradise. The following diagram,
drawn in the presence of one of the ferocious
Indian squaws who sell beadwork at the
falls, represents the scene;
"Ha! ha! hal"
1t was merry, frolicky laugh at George
Monteith's elbow whichever elbow you
wish to select The blood deserted his
heart The marrow in his bones froze up
solid. Like one turned to stone, he swiftly
wheeled and beheld-his mother-in-law
He had chucked his Edith, his bride of six
hours, into the rapidsl
Come, Georgy"
He heard his mother-in-law's voice; hi
saw her advancing to take him by the eal
and lead him away, and with avid shrek
on his lips-such a Shrek as only strong
men utter when they give up the battle o
| life-he leaped into the seething flood anC
! Joined his bride in that land where tn,
mother-in. law is not.