The Wichita daily eagle., 1893-09-21
SANDHILL PHILOSOPHY
For the Benefit of the Newly-Married Man
Who Wishes He Hadn't.

Ny dear newly-married young man,
I have "been there and know all a about
it. Although my hair-what was left
after my third wife got through with
! it's now as white as the driven snow,
and 1 have only one old tooth to eat
my bread with, time was when l was a
Jmmy-lu-lu, and could hold my own
with the rest of 'em.
know how it was with you. You
got stuck on a girl. That has been the
way with all of us. You began to love
| almost at once. Nobody blames you.
Love is curious thing. 1t turns man
inside out and topside down without
his realizing that he has even busted a
suspender or lost collar-button. 1t
keeps him awake while policemen are
soundly sleeping, and it turns his taste
from huckleberry pie to gum drops and
poetry. He becomes tender. He sighs
He can't pass a straw-stack or hog
pen without sentiment bubbling up to
make him look around for autumn
leaves, fairies, four-leaved clovers and
other things with no market value to
speak of.
You pursue the object of your affec-
tions. She'd have you and jump at
the chance, and there is no need to
waste months time over it, but that s
way we have all fallen into. We
linger by the waysidc. We doubt-we
are jealous-we despair, when the girl
is all the time wondering why in Tom
Jones we don't speak right up and
have done with it. Three times have
loved, and that was invariably the pro-
gramme. You finally marry. 'Tis
well. am little under the weather,
as l remarked at the beginning, but 1
have had an eye on No. for some con-
siderable time back. You fondly be-
Heve that you have married the incest
woman on the face of the earth.
You are even an ass long enough to
tell her so and admit the fact to
your mother in law besides. You
vowed never to speak cross
word. You took your affiday never TO
have a secret from her. You were
clothes-pin enough to raise your paw
to Heaven and promise never to leave
her side for an hour after dark
After about four weeks-what? She
toes in when she walks There are
freckles on her face and mole on her
chin. Has opinions of her own and
jaws back. Subject to headaches, teeth
want plugging, and is nightly sur
prised when she asks for fifty dollars
pin-money and you can't sell out. You
awake with a start. You take a sud-
den drop from the top limb of romance
to the hard earth of reality. You take
walk around the block and kick your
self as you go to see if it's you or some
other chap.
Now here is where I want to come
in. In the painful shock of your first
awakening don't do anything rash.
Your first impulse will be to throw
yourself madly against razor or waste
powder on your head, or precipitate
yourself into the water supply of your
town. Don't do it. Hang right on, as
the rest of us have done. 1t takes time,
my boy, to get used to the erratic ways
of a mother-inlaw, but the sooner YOU
lay yourself out to make study of
her, as you would war map, the
sooner you will detect her weak points
and make yourself solid. Fathers-in-
law also have their queer WAYS Some
of 'em are cheerfully willing to board
and clothe us and supply us with
ready cash as an offset for the
honor we have done the family
by marrying into it, while others don't
wait three days before cruelty hint
ing that we are expected to saw wood
and not spread the butter on too thick.
Study the old man. If at anv time
you discover a hunted. despairing look
in his eyes, it means that he is hard up
and wants to borrow some cold cash.
That is your golden oppor snnity, and
don't spoil it by asking for security.
About the time you received your
shock your young wife also got her
eyes opened. It's about an even thing.
Nature intended it that way Jas a sort
of new basis to start from. Drop the
romance business. Drop the tootsy-
wootsy- -ducky- -goo-goo business. Cease
wanting to die for her to show the
depth of your affection and come down
to everyday life and post yourself on
the price of pork and potatoes. There
will DE occasions when she will meet
you at the door with kiss,
and there will be other occa-
sions when You will find her cooperinr
up the holes in the heels of your stock
ings and wondering TO herself why she
didn't marry the other fellow. Life
has got to be taken on the average. my
boy-especially married life. If it was
all one way, like the handle on Jug.
we'd weary of the monotony. You'll
have misunderstanding and rows.
You'll have sullls and make-ups. You'll
wish you hadn't and you'll be glad that
you did. You'll live through it. how
ever. and if your head was properly
hinged by nature you'll even grow fat
as you grow old. Bless 'em. my boy
bless 'em! I'm over seventy, as Incl
dentally mentioned, but. yum, YUM
I'm campaigning on the trail of No. 4,
and the track isn't over day old.-De-
troit Free Press.
1t is far from being true, in the
progress of knowledge, that after
every failure we must commence from
the beginning. Every failure is a step
to success: every detection of what is
false directs up towards what is true;
every trial exhausts some tempting
form of error. Not only so: but scarce
ly any attempt is entirely failure:
scarcely any theory. the result of
steady thought. is altogether false: no
tempting form OF error is without some
latent charm derived from truth
Whewell
The penny-in-the-slot gas meters in
Liverpool now number eight thousand.