The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1893-01-08
THE USEFULNESS
OF CRIME.
Conrrieh,ed. 1902 hr Jerome K. Jerome.

q
that ii would be uninteresting.
1t is terribly sad reflection" re-
marked MacShaugnassy. musingly, "hut
what desperately dull place this earth
| would be if it were not for our friends
| the bad people. Do you know" be con-
! tinued, when I hear of people going
about the world trying to reform every
body and make them good / get posi-
lively nervous. Once do away with sin
and literature will become thing Of the
! past. Without the criminal classes We
authors would starve."
II shouldn't worry myself about it,"
| replied Jephson. driiv; zone half mankind
has been reforming the other half pretty
steadily ever since the creation. but there
appears to be fairly appreciable amount
of human nature left in it, notwithstand-
ing. SURPRISING sin is much the same
sort of task that suppressing volcano
would te-pluggine one vent merely opens
another. Evil will last our time"
81 cannot take your optimistic view
Of the case" answered MacShaugnassy.
ut seems to me that crime-at all
events interesting crime-is being slowly
driven out of our existence. Pirates and
highwaymen have been practically abol-
u
| frock coat and a top hat. and fights the
| excisemen with a pen instead Of cut
| lass. The press gang that was always so
| ready to rescue our hero from his APP
| preaching marriage has been disbanded.
There's not 'lugger' fit for the purposes
| of abduction left upon the coast. Men
settle their affairs OF honor in the law
courts, and return home wounded only in
hn ~ n
| females are confined to the slums. where
heroes do not dwell. and are avenged by
the nearest magistrate. Your modern
burglar is generally an out-of-work
plumber or a greengrocer. His 'swag'
usually consists of an overcoat and pair
| of boots, in attempting to make off
with which he is captured by the
servant girl. Suicides and murders
are getting scarcer every season. At the
present rate of decrease, deaths by vio-
lence will be unheard OF in another dec.
ade or so, and a murder story will be
laughed at as too improbable to be inter-
esting. A certain section of busybodies
are even crying out for the enforcement of
the seventh commandment. If they sue
coed authors will have to follow the adj
| vice generally given to them by the crit
les, and retire from business altogether.
l tell you our means of livelihood are
being filched from US one by one. Au-
thors ought to form themselves into q
society for the support and encouragement
of crime"
MacShaugnassy's leading intention in
making these remarks was to shock and
grieve Brown, and in this well meant OBJ
ject he succeeded. Brown is-or was, in
those days-an earnest young man with
an exalted-some were inclined to say ex-
aggerated-view of the importance and
dignity of the literary profession. Browns
notion of the scheme of creation was that
God made the universe so as to give the
literary man something to write about. I
used at one time to credit Brown with
originality for this idea; but as / have
grown older have learned that the theory
is very common and popular one in
artistic circles.
Brown expostulsted with MacShaug-
nassy. ''You speak," he said. 'as though
literature were the parasite of evil"
"And what else is she?" replied Mac
Shaugnassy. with enthusiasm. "What
would become of literature without folly
and sin, error and sorrow? What is the
work of the literary man but raking a liv-
ing for himself out Of the dust heap of
human woe2 Just imagine, if you can. q
perfect world-a world where men and
women never said foolish things and
never did unwise ones; where small boys
were never mischievous. and children never
made awkward remarks; where dogs never
fought and cats never screeched; where
wives never henpecked their husbands
and mothers-in-iaw never nagged: where
men never went to bed in their boots and
sea captains never swore; where plumbers
understood their work and old maids
never dressed as girls: where niggers
never stole chickens and proud men were
never seasick! where would be your
humor and your WITT Imagine a world
where lovers were never separated and
loved ones never died; where good old
men were never ruined and maidens
never deceived; where tender hearts were
never bruised; where strong mems lips
were never pressed with pain; where eyes
were never dim, and where feet were never
weary! where would be your pathos2 I'M
agine a world where husbands never loved
more wives than one. and that the right
one; where wives were never kissed but
by their husbands; where mems hearts
were never impure; where there was no
ing; no despairing! where would
be your scenes of passion. your in
teresting complications, your subtle psy-
Geological analysis? My dear Brown, we
writers-novelists, dramatists, poets-we
ratten on the misery of our fellow crea-
lures. you Created man Ailu woman, ana
the woman created the literary man when
she put her teeth into the apple, We
came into the world under the shadow of
the serpent. We are special correspond
ents with the devils army. We report
his victories in our three-volume novels
his occasional defeats in our tve-act
melodramas."
"All of which is very true" remarked
Jephson; "but you must remember it is
not only the literary man who traffics in
misfortune. The doctor, the lawyer the
preacher, the newspaper proprietor. the
weather prophet, will hardly. l should
say, welcome the millennium. l shall
never forget an anecdote my uncle used
to relate, dealing with the period when
he was chaplain of the Lincolnshire
county Jail. One morning there was
to be hanging, and the usual little
crowd of witnesses, consisting of the
sheriff, the governor of the jail. three or
four reporters, a magistrate and q couple
of wardens were assembled in the prison.
The condemned man, a brutal ruffian who
had been found guilty of numbering n
young girl under exceptionally revolving
circumstances, was beng pinioned by the
hangman and his assistant; and my un-
Gle was employing the last few moments
at his disposal in trying 10 break down the
sulIen indifference the fellow had through
out manifested toward both his crime and
his fate.
My uncle. failing to make any impress
sion upon him, the governor ventured To
add a few words of exhortation, upon
which the man turned tlerceiy on the