Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1893-07-28

Eight pages, containing summary of the news of
the week, both foreign and local published every
year g.; six months, 81; three months. Is cents.
TO REGULATE THE ELEMENTS.
Some of the rainmakers and citizens of
Aberdeen have formed what is to be
known as the International Cold Wave
company with a capital stock of Sl,OOO,OOO.
The organization claims to have discovered
the secret of producing cold waves. For
instance, when the heat, running at from
80 to 100 degrees, drives in on the Dakotas
from the plains of Kansas OF Montana, the
company say it will set a counter breeze
blowing from the ice fields of the north
which will dissipate the hot wav and
bring a temperature of about IS to 20 de-
grees Fahrenheit. The company refuses to
make public any part of the secret, but
offers to guarantee what it proposes to do.
Daily Paper.
But a natural result Of the startling
advancement in scientific circles which
characterizes the latter part of the nine
teenth century is the organization of the
International Cold Wave company.
And it seems strange, in the light of all
that has been done Of late, toward the
r%emedying of natures lmperfectlons,
that the idea has not assumed material
proportions ere this. That men should
sweat and swelter along these hot days,
when the mere invention of a system of
cold waves and their correct operation
would have relieved the air of its super
huous %caloric. can only be accounted
for by the supposition that the intense
heat has not been conductive to any
mental application, consistent in inten-
sity with the above discovery. But mas.
much as some one has sacrificed COM
fort to the extent necessary to the fer
riting of the secret of cold wave opera
ton from the close grasp Of nature, why
not 60 further and extend the..dlscovery.
Why not apply the same principles to
all of the forces of nature, and subo:di-
nate the elements to mans caprices and
circumstances? The TRIBUNE would
suggest the organization of the Uni
versal Element Regulator company, it's
object the same as that of the organiza.
ton down at Aberdeen, and differing in
that its labors be not confined to cold
waves. A few suggestions of what
might be accomplished may induce con-
sideration of the suggestion, and bring
about the desired results.
Fourth of July displays. A compe-
tent man in charge of natures electrical
supply is all that is necessary. With the
proper arrangement of valves to control
the electricity. Roman candles, ire
crackers. skyrockets, pinwheels may be
made to sizz, bang and boom through the
heavens on Fourths of July and all
national holidays, when such occurrences
are desirable. There would be q great
saving in expenditures for ordinary fire.
works, and the danger of recidents would
be altogether eliminated. Very desirable
feature.
Cyclones at will. To be used in case
OF invasion by foreign and warlike ma
tons. A simple twist of the cyclone
valve by a competent operator, and in
vading armies could be swept from the
earth or fleets from the seas. Whole
communities in Kansas might be merci-
fully exterminated to the great benefit
of the nation.
Lightning to strike at command and
in specified places. Scores of Office.
seekers in both states would come down
handsomely for a single twist at the
screw which regulated the political
lightning valve.
Showers of red lemonade and deposits
of ice cream on circus and other fete
days. Very simple and inexpensive. An
expenditure of q few cents for materials
might be made to supply a whole state.
Copious rains on the occasion of Sum
day school picnics and other gala affairs.
To correct the occasional failure of the
elements to do duty at these times. Very
easily arranged.
A system of basket cars to be attached
to the tail ends of North Dakota breezes.
Adaptable for Worlds Fair %transporta-
ton.
Occasional deposits of currency, gold
and silver, and other coin of the realm
from some unknown source. Very con-
venient and desirable.
Artificial eclipses of the sun, to be
used by African explorers, when in the
hands of superstitious natives, and
threatened with death. To prevent
travellers being caught several months
from a regular eclipse.
These are but a few of the simpler DOS.
sibilities of such an organization as has
been suggested. The Aberdeen element
dealers, who propose to establish a junk
shop for the sale of all Kinds of misft
weather should consider them carefully,
and ponder upon the immenseness of
the field of operations, through the wire
fence surrounding which they have Just
worked their way.
HENRY CLEw's weekly financial re-.
view summarizes the financial condition
as follows: The financial markets dis.
turbed and excited. So far as respects