St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1893-07-23
AMATEUR HOUSEKEEPING.


cided that in order to reach the height
of bliss they must give up boarding and
go to housekeeping in dear little house
OF their very own i'll bewitching
suburb. Now Pattern wishes he was
+ boarding again Or taking rest in a
quiet graveyard, He won't move until
he decides which is preferable. Mrs.
Pattern had never kept house before.
She could play waltz. paint land
scape that would drive you crazy, and
dance like sylph, but homework had
been an unknown quality of her educa-
ton. The first month they had ham and
eggs for breakfast every Gay. Pattern
had not been married quite long enough
to behave i'll the fierce. murderOus man
ner that most husbands cultivate when
their victualS are not satisfactory. But
''even a worm will turn" if compelled
to breakfast on ham and eggs for a
month. He stood it until that inevitable
dish appeared on the supper table, then.
fearing that he would begin to cackle or
his wife would discover him in the alley
trying to build pen around himself, he
timidly inquired ''the whyfor of this
sameness." He expected TO be told
that 'if his board wasn't satisfactory he
had the privilege of paying what he
owed for the last three months and
moving" but the voice of his best A
half brought him to the happy real
iZation that he was forlorn bachelor
no longer Mrs. Pattern then con-
feSsed. She had hoped he wouldn't
notice the monotony of the bill of fare
if she put the ham and eggs i'll a differ
ent dish every day. Pattern had pom
dered deeply over the reason why they
were sometimes served in platrerS.
sometimes in saucers, then in cups, and.
lastly, in pitcher. She had never
done any marketing before, and when
she arrived at the grocery store the only
words she could remember that savOred
of eggs were lease" and dozen"
so she had looked at the boy in
livery superior manner and ordered
a ''doZen cases of eggs" After they
arrived she understood why he bad been
so ObsequiOus; supposed he had caught
the trade for hotel or an orphan
asylum. She had also ordered three
hams, she had forgotten to say slices,
and now she was trying to be very
economical and dispose of them before
they spoiled. but, Charlie dear, the
next time shall get liver rooster and
hen. Then we can have fresh eggs
layed as we need them. Good idea"
snickered that wretch Pattern. "you
will find chicken in that egg l left on
the table, and don't you think you had
better buy live pig also? Then we
can cut fresh slices of ham to go with
the eggs" ~ never thought of that"
sOlilOquized Mrs. Pattern.as she assisted
the fried eggs out Of the pitcher.
~
After that Pattern concluded that it
| took man to do marketing properly,
and an awful middle he made of it.
| One day the Pattern family would revel
in luxuries, and then for days he would
forget to order anything. No grocery
store existed in this thriving suburb,
| and Mrs. Pattern had to invite herself
out to the neighbOrs to dine, whilst
| Pattern Toasted at free lunch counters
and went around smelling of limburger
| cheese, sauSages and pretzels. When
| Mrs. Pattern became accustomed to this
unique style of marketing, she fostered
| habit of canned eatables in the house,
| and also received clandestine visits
from the grocery boy. otherwise even
| the cockroaches would have starved to
! death.
Pattern says he hasn't had good
nights sleep since they started keeping
| ic 70 no n no.
| of bedmaking. After you have slept
! ten minutes you find all the blankets
around your neck and the gentle breeze
| lets playing this pig went to Market"
etc., with your lily white toes. The
only way he could sleep comfortably
was to wrap all the blankets securely
around himself. Not being particu-
larly selfish man, on cold nights he
| sometimes generously donated the
! Counterpart as Mrs. Patterns share.
Then he would shut his eyes and pre-
| pare to dream of race horses, lager
| beer, poker, billiards and other enticing
visions, he receives vigorous poke
| in the ribs, which Immediately stops
| this interesting procession, and brings
| him back to stern reality. A subdued
| tremulo inquiries: Ibid you order the
| steak ?" "Of course, l did" Shore.
| snoreI The procession begins to move
| again. this time with ballet girl in the
/ lead, fairy lights and music, then a
| voice says, Charlie, did you buy the
Unions?" Surely it can't be the silken-
| clad dancer inquiring for onionsI He
| doesn't answer until his wife endeav-
10 70 he
very gruff answer is received: IF you
exercise your nose instead of your fist,
| Selma. you would know that did, and
| at this very moment they are probably
wrestling with the butter you bought,
| ami l bet ON the butter"
| With this cruel thrust he turns and
starts up the procession of lager beer,
race horse-"Charliei Charlee cell
Did you order carrots?' Only grunt
| then comes another terrific onsault IN
the regions of his liver, accompanied by
Charlie, are you sure you locked the
| cellar door?" Then up rose brave Ho-
ratious-otherwise Pattern-and at
| tackled the gentle wife OF his bosom
thusly: Il am not sure of anything,
Mrs. Pattern, except that l haven't
respectable pair of ribs left to boast of.
Would you mind giving me information
! as to the tactics you intend to execute
for the remainder of the night. Do
| you intend to continue to poke my ribs
and scream Charlie in my ear, leaving
me a total wreck and fit subject for
the coroner by morning? Would my
parents named me Balthaazer Fitzger-
! aid Baumgarten. then at least | might
/ have snatched a wink of sleep whilst
you struggled to pronounce it. If it will
/ be any satisfaction for you to know
upon what we will dine tomorrow, allow
me to tell you that you forgot to give me
list of what you needed, so l Just