Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1893-02-17
CONCERNING HAWA n.
The Counselor Gives q Few dratui-
tous Bits of Advice On tho
Subject.
Some Letters Regarding the Proposed
Policy of the Government in
The Matter.
With . Few Brotherly Words Of
Advice to Lulu, the Deposed
Queen.
Pertinent Panoramic.

queen.
Pertinent Paragraphs.
l have been so busy during the few days
last past writing epitaphs for persons who
have beer following. me in my experiences
as published at intervals, and choosing
suitable members for the coming demo-
cratic cabinet. that 1 have not had time to
discuss the all important question of the
senatorship as fully and completely as l
would like to have done. A great many
persons who have been rejoicing to think
that my fertile brain had grown barren
and sterile, and that my mobile pencil was
forever stilled, will regret to learn that l
am still admitted to the best society, and
that my autograph is still eagerly sought
after and brings the highest market price.
Even as these lines are written l look
out over the broad area which is encircled,
circumvallated, as it were, by the high
board fence which shields me from the
advances of the outside world, and from
the people who are continually harassing
me for pieces of my %bric.a-brac and ar
- "SUAAA6 0pP0AOA ~ Colly away a.
relics, and as l look out, I see a surging
throng of people, who crowd and jostle
each other roughly, as they endeavor to
secure my autograph. In their abbre-
Waited, American way they call it "auto,'
and as they ask MT for my "auto," l lean
out the window, and as the refulgent rays
of the sun are refracted into many brill
liant colors by my classic forehead, 1 tell
them in a sibilant tone that l know l "auto"
give to them, but l can not. l
then wait for this Joke to take
effect, and soon afterward 1 see the under
takers wagon opposite, and bear off those
who are too weak to withstand its deadly
propensities to the potter's field. l then
lie down and dream pleasantly of the plea
sures of this life.
1 received yesterday a letter in a long,
three.story envelope, from the Office of
secretary Of state at Washington, relative
to the annexation of the Hawaiian king
dom to the United States. l am always
consulted by the government officials be-
fore any important step is taken in diplO-
matte affairs. They have become so used
to leaning and depending upon my massive
1LlICllCCU ~ UcdI suCul OuG Ill U6ukcIUuS dllU
troublesome times, that it has become al
most impossible for them to get along
without me.
l append a copy of the letter, not to in
spire an exaggerated idea of my i'm.
portance to the running gear of this
government, but merely as an evidence of
good faith.
MY DEAR SIR: President Harrison and
l have been debating seriously the advis-
ability of the annexation OF the Hawaiian
kingdom to these United States. Hawaii,
as you will find by q casual reference to
your geography, Is an island, which lies
severa! days journey from San Francisco,
in the Pacific ocean; 1t is inhabitated by
people who resemble our W in many
respects, and who eat three times each day
just as We do. Some of them wear costumes
like our own, while the costumes of others
are cut very decollette, both at the top and
bottom, with a small piece IN the middle
to shield the wearer from the fierce heat of
the sum-. The president AMI myself are
inclined to think Hawaii would be a desir-
able adjunct to our present possessions,
although we are content to leave it all to
you wise judgment. 1t is in the Wettest
part of the Pacific ocean, and were your
legislature in the same place, l think it
would be much better for your state. The
PRESIDENT is a little in%disposed at present.
one of your sparkling letters he would
soon be beyond the need and power of
human aid. l shall be pleased to have you
60 with me and my family to the inaugu-
raj ball next March. --
AS l am unable to decipher
the beiief that it WI, was written by the e,s secre !:
tary himself. l shall answer it tomorrow
and advise the annexation, and also accept
the invitation to attend the inaugural.
Another letter bearing on the same sub.
ject l have received from the depOsed
queen, whose n me is Laluandseventeen.
Observation-Disclosures. Lulu writes me
in a sisterly way, as she always does, ask
ing my advice in her time of trouble, and
l have answered her in the following
styles :,
LULU:-Lulu, queenly maiden, how !
yearn to meet and greet thee. just to press
thy dainty fingers and to chop off half your
surname. lest you trip and fall down DER
Lulu, you are in a pickle, and your
throne is lost unto you; you are in the
soup quite deeply and your name is truly
Dennis. But by bracing up %instanter and
by going into business, renting out q
thousand portions of your wonderfully
happy lads and lassies who attend
masquerade dances you may make an
honest living and emerge from the con-
sOmme
Lulu, If you truly wish it, we will take
you and reform you, comb the kinks from
out your tresses and put h ,ir oil on your
%scaIplock,. dress you up in latest fashion.
take the rings from out your nOstrils. put
the festive hOopskirts on you, give you
shoes by far too narrow, dresses that
would really scare you, hats to make you
stand %astOunded, gloves to make
to swear profoundly, and We'll
make you truly au fait, in each single
minute instance.
Lulu, Lulu, are you coming? We are
H %uai and ID kiss ii% th sa' Mt : t thou Mn miles miles o. q
distance. We will run you for tho senate
anything to satisfy you, or WE'LL send you
out to lecture on the evils Of tight lhcing
Lulu, hop along.
When Lulu receives my letter, she vii
at once leave for the United States.
feel certain of this. THE COUNsELOR.
AROUND THE HTATE.