The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1893-05-10

To harrow ones feelings is not the
most profitable way of cultivatinp an
acquaintance.-BoSton transcript.
GIVE got good story 1 want to tell
you" said the barber. "Well, don't
illustrate it with CUTS" said the editor.
HE-What makes you think this is
the milk train? She-Because it has
stopped so often for CHICAGO
Inter. Ocean.
FISH DEALER-Can 1 sell you a nice
green turtle to-day, ma'am? Mrs.
Newbride-No; if you have any ripe
ones I'll take couple.
JoNEs-I'm quite a near neighbor of
yours now, Mrs. Golightly. I've taken
a house on the river. Mrs. Cob.
well, l hope you'll drop in some day
Exchange.
"WHEN you wish to communicate
with the spirits, do you do so by rap
ping" New member" Yes, three
times at the back door of the saloon."-
Chicago Inter Ocean.
AT SOUTHsEA.-She -" Oh, James,
how grand the sea isl How wonderful
L do so like to hear the roar of the
ocean," He" SO do l, Elizabeth:
please keep quiet. "-Modern Society.
"DoCToR, when do you think a man
weighs most?" asked patient who
was undergoing course of dietary
treatment. "When he steps on my
corns," answered the doctor.-ES-
change.
MAMMA: "No Johnny; one piece of
pie is quite enough for you" Johnny:
It's funny. You say you are anxious
that should learn to eat properly, and
yet you won't give me chance to prac-
tice. "-Te1as SytingS.
OLD FRIEND: "And so both of your
children are studying professional"
Hostess: Yes, my daughter is in a
polytechnic college studying mechani-
cal engineering, and my son is in Paris
learning dressmaking.
THE janitor of one of the Portland
public schools, coming into the class
room recently saw on the blackboard
this sentence: " Find the greatest COM
mon divisor." Hullo," said he, els
that thing lost again?"
A LITTLE child in New York labori-
ously prepared an Easter gift this year
for her sanity grandmother. 1t was
cardboard motto selected by herself,
and bore the words in scarlet worsted:
EGO and Sin No More"
"DID you ever see such lot of fat
Dutchmen?" asked Dobbs as they
came suddenly upon lot of street
musicians. "No," said Hobbs; sit
must be one of the obesity bands you
read about in the papers,"
MICKEY "a newsboy)-" Say, Peter,
de pape wot I'm readin' says dey's
100000 kids slowed every year in
France to make gloves wild" Peter
(his pal)-" Pm dandy glad we amt
Twin in France, Mickey. "-Detroit Free
Press.
ELLA" How could you tell that
your husband lost money at the races
to-day, when he said nothing about il?"
Stella" know he did, because when
he came home he began talking about
the advantages fsaving money ."-Bos-
ton Globe.
"THEY are going to be married?
Why, l didn't know they were en-
gagged" swell, you see there are so
many engagements broken nowadays
that they thought they wouldn't get
engaged, just simply married. "-Neo
York Press.
A SHORT Stop: Professor Short once
said to his pupils, Let the ink-stand
and the paper-weight until it is still
enough to hear gum.drop and an ear
ring or l will make gad.fiy until you
all dew-drop and cry short-stop."-Good
Housekeeping.
"RITER began an article on The
Beauties of Married Life when he
was single, but he was interrupted be-
fore he finished it," interrupted in
what way?" He got married" "Did
he ever finish the article2" "Never.
Yankee Blade.
CoBwIGGER: 81 once saw large
melon sold for two dollars" Uncle
Rastus: "Dat's nuthin, sab. I wuz
axed ten dollars for un." Cobwigger:
you surely didn't give it?" Uncle
Rastus: " No, sab. | was bruk an TUX de
ten days."-Ne,o York Erening Sun.
DAUGHTER" There is only one
thing more astonishing than the readi-
ness with which Ned gave up tobacco
when we became engaged" Mother
" What is that astonishing thing?"
Daughter-"The rapidity with which he
took it up again after we were mar
ried. It'd. Bits.
"PM very tired" said the lady at the
head of the supper table one Sunday
evening. "You should not be-" said
her minister, who had been asked in to
the evening meal. "You haven't
preached two sermons to-day" emo"
said the lady absentmindedly, "but |
listened to them. "-Erchang
SMART hoy" Will you give me five
cents if l tell you how to make two cents
go as far as 1872" Proud father" In
deed l will" Smart boy-"Well, next
time you're away put $2 bill in an
envelope and address it to me and then
put a two cent stamp on the outside
and mail it."-Street d Smith's Good
NepS.