davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
AN ORNAMENT TO JOURNALISM
He Knew How to Work Snap and to
Get Over the Editor.

He Knew How to Work Snap and to
Get Over the Editor.
you can't most always tell about
these young men who do newspaper
work." remarked New York editor to
a party of journalists. 81 had heard
that they hadn't very good business
ideas, however bright they might be
in other respects, and | was little
careless, perhaps. Anyway, once
when wanted the services of one to
tone up my paper called for specimen
stuff, and from one chap in nearby
country town received such excellent
work that invited him to come in and
see me. lie came and found him an
ideal humorist and as guileless as he
was ideal.
~ wanted q column week, and he
agreed to furnish it at twenty-five dol
lars a column, With five dollars off for
each joke that was not copied by some
of my illustrious and esteemed con-
temporarics; or he would do it for fif-
teen dollars straight l snapped up
the twenty-five dollar proposition, for
was sure that out of dozen or fifteen
jokes, and verses, and gags week
certainly not more than half could be
good enough to catch on all around.
lie had an idea that he was great
! humorist and had an idea for business
and also to teach him that humility
which doth SO become Il journalist
esigned contract tor year on these
terms and he went to work.
1.-The first week he sent in ten squibs
of various lengths, and they were good,
but ] calculated not more than half
! would go the rounds and would he
even. Within week thereafter | re.
ceived the Podunl Banner, or some
such paper with the entire column
copied, and of course ] whackcd up the
twenty-five dollars. The next wecl,
the Banner copied the whole lot again
and put up my twenty-five dollars as
before Well. to make long story
short, that Podunls Banner, week after
week, copied every squib, and at last
wrote to the Banner to find out who
it's editor was, when, 10 and behold
he was the fathcr-ir-law of my humor
list, and that guilelcss funny man was
having fun with me in way that
despised 1t was too late, however, tC
kick, and as he wrote good staff
hadn't any occasion to, only ] die
swear at myself every now and theI
for not having accepted his proposition
of fifteen dollars week straight anC
left it to somebody else to teach humil
ity to a great American humorist. ~
Detroit Free Press.
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
TOO WITTY.
A Smart Storekeeper Jokes With the
Wrong Customer,

4 Smart Storekcepcr Jokes With the
Wrong Customer.
1t is not profitable for n merchant to
be too witty; at any rate, he should
not try to be witty on every occasion
Not long ago, in n country town where
there arc two groceries on the same
street, very green, tow-headed, timid-
looking young countryman came into
one of them one afternoon at time
when half dozen villagers were
grouped around the stove. The store.
keeper was waiting upon some one and
paid no attention to the newcomer.
Presently the timid young man said,
in faltcring, half-frightcned voice:
Do-you-lcep- swect--p' tetters?'
"No," said the storelleepcr 1--WE don't
keep 'em. We sell EN- just as fast as
we CAM
Then he winl5ed at the company
around the stove, who snickered appre-
ciativcly. The green young man said,
"Oh!" and went up to the stove and
spread out the palms of his hands The
storekcepcr went on waiting on his
other customers and used up about fiji
teen minutes in doing so.
Then he stepped toward the green
young man, who was still warming his
hands at the stove, and said, brusquely;
Ibid you say you wanted to buy some
sweet potatoes"
The young man turned slowly about
and answered, "I--didn't--say--l
wantcd-to buy-none; jest-ast-yc
If yc keep EN-"
lie then warmed his hands few
minutes longer Then he walked slow
ly out of the the store, remarking as he
went:
W-guess-Tll-go-daown the street
-an-buy-me some-sweet p'tet
tcrs!"
The laugh around the stove was MOI
at the expense of the grccnhorn this
time National Grocer
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
SHE TURNED The TABLES.
How n Little Homely knowledge saved
Young Lady Much Discomfort.


Young Lady Much Discomfort.
A young lady through her knowl-
edge of housewifery rather turned the
table upon would-be jester one day
last summer; and let that individual,
who was of the male persuasion, into n
little secret Of considerable Importance
to those who have occasion to work in
the kitchen as amateurs,
The two were members of party Wis
itingan Adirondack campin the Saranac
Lake region. Every one was well &C.
quainted and the days passed merrily
away, until q heavy rainstorm drove
the ladies and the less enthusiastic fish
ermen indoors and compelled them to
seek other forms of amusement The
rain continued to fall almost without
intermission for several days, and as a
means to relieve the monotony the gen.
tlcman already referred to proposed
that the various members of the party
try their hand ut cooking the next meal.
Permission was obtained from the
host, the members of the party laugh
ingly agreed to the proposition, and the
guide, whose duty it was TO act as cook,
was for the time sent about other bust
ness The gentleman acted as chCf,
and, with knowledge obtained from
serving on the house committee of a
prominent New York club, proceeded
to assign various work to his aids and
appointed the young lady first vegeta-
| bic cook for the express purpose OF
making her peel onions, the odor OF
which she loathcd.
When the party adjourned to the
kitchen to begin preparations large
supply of strong odorcd red onions were
brought to the lady and she was re-
qucsted to remove the outer cuticlc.
The acting c ef and the others who had
been let into the secret made merry
over the supposed discontinue of the
first vegetable cook, but the latter
smiled swectly and uttered no protest.
Bring me a deep pam" she said tc
her helper, and when this was produced
she filled it to the brim with water
Then she tucked up her sleeves to the
elbow, showing just the prettiest pair Of
arms in the world, and removing hei
rings set to work peelng the onions
under water with dizziness that show
ed how familiar she was with the work
and depriving it of all its offensiveness
1t was a revelation to the man, who
had looked either for vigorous protest
| mr. had eSDectp1 tn SEQ tho eveS of th1
vegetable cook water from the effect.
of the onion juice. The amateur din
ner was in every way success, bu
none of the cooks achieved greater
triumph than the one whose practica
experience showed to the others thu
common sense method of pecling onions
N Y. Herald.
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
A SIluian Student,

A story is told of an eminent nat
uralist who was hoping to develop the
intelligence Of a monkey, to whose edu-
cation he was devoting himself One
day he saw with delight that the
monkey was sitting at the other end
of the room, turning over the leaves OF
a valuable book on entomology, and
looking at the plates with apparent in
terest But on going nearer, he saw
with disnay that the monkey was turn
ing over the plates in order that, when
he came to a particularly large beetle
or butterfly, he might pick it out and
eat it As the paper could not have a
nice taste, think he may have been
actuated rather by the fun Of the thing
than by mere depraved appetite
Perhaps he was verifying the like
method of learning among the philoa 4,
pliers ri Laputa, Yankee Blade.
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24

this money! she exclaimed. ~ am SO
glad-so happy" And she looked up
into my eyes and held out both her
hands.
I'd But, darling, do you think that you
will really be satisfied with living in q
cottage and doing your own cooking?"
inquired somewhat anxiously.
She laughed gayly.
"We shall never be reduced to that,
Percy. We will keep your name and the
money all the same"
But, dearest, that will be impos-
sible You don't seem to fully under
stand"
"oh, yes do" she interrupted, with
a little eXultaut sort of smile and
toss of her head. "And now please let
me make an explanation in my turn.
Mrs. Granger your aunts niece, be.
came a widow shortly after her mar.
riage, and was married again to Mr..
Walter Gray. They were my own dear
parents and they both died when |
was a little girl, SO now, don't you
see that since You positively decline to
take the name of Peter Tubbs, am
Your aunt Fosters heiress by the con-
ditions of her viii? And so, as said,
we will keep your name and get the
money all the same; for every cent of
it shall be settled upon yourself. l
wouldn't know what to do with it if il
were mine, you know"
could hardly believe my cars, and
in fact scarcely comprehended the sit
uation unity it was again explained TO
me by my uncle Joe.
"Whcn learned from Mrs. Fosters
lawyers" he said, that Mrs. Changers
only child had been found-and that
she was a very charming girl and the
niece and ward of my old college
friend, Frank Patterson, and that they
were spending the summer at this
place, why the idea occurred to me OF
bringing you down here and atfordng
you a chance of getting out of your
dilemma one way or the other. Now
that it is so satisfactorily settled,
trust that you will forgive my schem'
ing"
But Ethel, like myself, ignorant OF
the plot between the old folks, took to
herself all the credit
you thought me hard and unfeeling,
Percy; but, dear, only wanted to save
you from the misery of owning that
horrid name, and at the same time So
cure the money to you. For now that
the poor old lady is dead, it can make
no difference to her, as when she was
alive. And / managed it SO nicely
didn't I?"-Susan A. Weiss, in Detroit
Eraa praec
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
WIT AND WISDOM.

The vanity of human life is like n
river, constantly passing away yet con-
stantly coming on.-Popc.
When people become thoroughly
civilized they will have no bones to con-
ccal from their hungry neighbors.-
Galveston News
Most creatures are entirely harm
less when they are asleep But the
moth docs the most mischief when it is
taking n nap -Siftings.
Maid Professor, oh, pro-
fcssor! just think, l have swallowed a
PIN" Absent-mindcd Professor-"Never
mind, here is another one"
Every day of a mans life he adds
something to the accumulation of an
noyancos that it makes him mad to
hear mentioned. -Atchison Globe.
Every one envies man who Is
brave in an emergency, because every
nan has the secret fear that when his
ime comes, he may turn and run.
There are two sinews of peace;
unity, the sinew of its subsistence; or
der, of its motion. Unity collects its
strength; order manages it.-Ilerlc.
Cherish your best hopes as n faith,
and abide by them in action. Such
,hall be the effectual fcrvent means to
their fulfillment, Margaret Fuller.
De Young-What would you call it,
proud beauty, if your cruelty drove me
to kill myself in your presence? Proud
Beauty nticide.-Dctroit Tribune.
-Whipper-I wonder why society
people are making such n fad of slum-
ming just now? Snapper-They wish
TO know what their ancestors were like,
| css.-Puck.
There is no greater sign of your
own perfection than when you find
yourself all love and compassion to-
ward them that are very weak and
defective.
| Fond Mother-'What do you con
slider the best cure for child who ask.
too many questions, Mr.. Smgleton?'
Mr.. Singleton (old bachelor MOT tc
marry, madam. Funny Folks.
-Singlesby-I have heard that bur
| glars make 1t Il rule to avoid hous(
whcrr there is baby. Nupop-Surc
Man who has baby in the house i:
usually broike.-Indianapolis Journal
Evidently an Impostor. --Barkecp
or TN whisPer)-Kcep your eye OF
that man. Proprietor--What's thu
matter with him? Barkecper-Hc
| claims to be special policeman. AnC
he's ordered plain lenonade.-Chicag,
TritLne.
| Wealth, like every other comfort
mast bc bought and the price paid
When tho price paid is too high, theI
the purpose is defeated; disappointment
and an increased craving take The plac,
of the hoped for comfort, and the bar
gain is bad one.--Uniied Presby
| terrain
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
MONKEY TALK.
A Scrap of Conversation From the Cage
of the "Happy Family"

A Scrap of Conversation From the Cage
of the "Hnppy Family"
"IIa, ha, hal" t..
"Dear, dear monkey, whatever is the
matter?"
"Only these enterprising outsiders
my love. Haven't you heard the news?
Come, I'll read it for you" NIP reads
an account of Prof. Garner going to At
rica to study the monkey tongue.)
That's good, my dear, isn't it? If
these keepers of ours get to know our
language, though, perhaps they will be
good enough to teach us theirs. Then
we'll agitate and get ont OF this"
THAT sounds agreeable, Nip"
"Ill apply for government post to
help them find the missing link there's
been so much fuss about ] might, in
fact, have to go long voyages"
How splendid, Nip. Really, I've
heard that accommodation for couples
is"
my dear you'd have to stay at home.
I'd probably be considerable time
abroad"
"Nip!"
'My dear, be calm, matter of bust
ness must be attended to; after that the
outsiders government would be com
polling me to do something very disa-
grecable."
what, Nip, Dearie?
ARREST you as the missing link, Pm
afraid"
ME the missing link, sir? Thank
you-hem! I'd be very sorry"
~ won't say any more"
Don't sir"
II Won't
"You daren't"
"Ilrsh, madam, here's the keeper. -
I cad's Nprpe,fv
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
Earned Educ alton

The bright boy or giil without
education may succeed the bright
boy Or girl with education will sue
coed. From lack Of money, half the
farm boys and girls are, by necessity,
prevented from reaching beyond the
commoncst of common schools. We
have a plan for bright boys and girls
to cooperate with us; isn't ordinary
canvassing; is dignifed work any
gentleman or lady need not be
ashamed of. To work for THE
LADIES HOME JOURNAL is eminently
respectable. Write us and we will
tell you all about it.
THE CURTIS PUBLISHING Co.
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
THE OLD WIFE,

by the bed the old man. waiting, sat in vigil
sad and tender,
Where his aged wife lay dying; and tho twi
light shadows brown
Slowly from the wall and window chased the
sunsets golden splendor
Going down.
SIS 1t nightr' she whispered waking Cfor her
spirit seemed to hover
Lost between the next worlds sunrise and the
bedtime cares of this),
And the old man, weak and fearful, trembling
as he bent above her
Answered: "Yes"
"Are the children inr' she asked him Could he
tell herr All the treasures
Of their household lay IN silence many years
beneath the snow;
But her heart was with them living, back among
her tolls and pleasures,
Long ago
And again she called at dewfal In the sweet
old summer weather:
Where is little Charlie, fatherP Frank and
Robert-have they Gomez"
'Thty are safe" the old man faltered-"all the
children are together,
Safe OF home"
Then he murmured gentle soothings, but his
grief grew strong and stronger,
TIL 1t choked and stilled him as he held and
kissed her wrinkled hand,
For her soul, far out of hearing, could his fond.
est words no longer
Understand.
Still tho pale lips stanmered questions, lula
bies and broken verses
Nursery prattlo-all the language of mothers
loving heeds,
While the midnight round the mourner, left tc
sorrows bitter mercies,
Wrapped its weeds
There was stiffness on the pillow-and the old
man listened lonely 30
TIL they led him from the chamber, with the
burden on his breast,
For the wife OF seventy years, his manhood's
eorly love and only,
Lay OF rest
"Fare You well, he sobbed, "my Sarah; you
will meet the babes before me;
TITS little while, for neither can the parting
long abide,
And youth come and call me soon, I know-and
Heaven will restore me
To your side"
Brandon Banner,
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24

iiicks-That man is alw IS blowing
about mis- work,
Suichs--Ics?
liirks--Yes; he's a blacksmith
Truth.
Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1893-03-24
ONE CHANCE LEFT.
The Man Dressmakcr Safe From the Com
petition of Women.
L La LII

petition of Women.
A decade had elapsed.
In that period vast changes have been
wrought Women were admitted to all
fields of human endeavor and the avo-
cations formerly considered to belong
to the sterner sex exclusively were open
to all.
In q quiet resort somewhat removed
from the busiest thoroughfare one man
CHANGED to ask another for chew of
tobacco. Thence the conversation turn
ed, by easy stages, upon the evils of the
day.
pill
The man with look of settled de-
spair in his dark brown eyes was sub
dued in his address
Its getting so y fellow without a
wife has just about got to starve."
YES"
IT'S a shame the way the women
have crowded us out of business"
"True."
Both remained in silent meditation
for a moment.
"But then"
The look of settled despair was some
what less pronounced for moment
we should be grateful that Provi-
dence has left us pre-eminent in one
calling. Thank heaven, they can't
compete with us in dresmaking."
II was a comforting thought TO be
sure.-Detroit Tribune.
The Truth of the Matter.
"When your son went to college
"He didn't go-I sent him
"Ah, and when he came home"
"He didn't come-the faculty sent
! him. Kate Fields Washington.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01
The Wages of Sin.

I'D. Spencer of San Francisco has
boon in this city frequently on bust
ness connected with the Liggett *
Meyers tobacco company Of ~. Louis,
which he represented on the Pacific
coast. lie was to have botu married
on Thursday evening, 10 san Fran
cisco young lady. Inftead Of being at
a wedding In the capacity o! groom ho
lay q corpse, the subject 0f Goruner's
inquest. the Gauss OF his death was "a
dose VI iaudauum, takon with suicidal
intent. His deed was the elimination
OF q double life. In 1850 hn made II
verbal contract with a woman who
has since borne the name " Mrs.
Spencer, and woo believed her
self his wife. About IS months
ago lie deserted her but snb
followed him up, The evening before
his intended marriage to Miss Ewing,
he had a stormy interview with the
supposed Mrf. Spencer, who refused
to longer keep tine secret OF their Tgla-
tions from Miss Ewing. Spencer had
not sufficient courage ~ make amends
TO the woman he had wrOuged by
his promise TO marry her, anu with the
public announcement Of the dual lifd
no was living he could not marry Miss
Ewing. 30 he resorted tn laudanum,
and now lies in q suicides grave,
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01
JUDGE N6nRELEs RETURN.


judge Norrgll, who betook himself to
the nations capital on the llth Of last
month, returned home today looking
aud feeling better than at any time for
year,.
When seen by NEWS reporter this
afternoon he taid cntbuslgstirnlly, "I
only know that the strnlghts arc all
hight nnd that they will be given nll
there IL 10 he,tow and that tho Tusca.
Eoras are not IN IT,
"Hcw about tho United States mar.
shal.hip and your own chancus?D
well, as 10 that 1 am only waiting
'ot tho Presidon's endorsemon,.D
"What about the Utah commits.
slon2"
at will be reconstructed soon from
straight Democratic goods. Az 10 the
snrVeyor.gcnefalhhip It appcars to mo
that George W. snow ~ leading nil
other candidates. | think n now pro.
bate judge Will be appointed soon
ana as j. G. MoNally IL the
only applicant for the Office no will
undoubtedly secure N. Tho race be.
tween &. q, Richards and Alnlos
Young for tho Territorial suurulnryfhip
II very close one and II ~ difficult to
predict the outcome with any assut-
anee OF accuracy. Schroeder has gone
10 Michigan and Brigham 10 Connect.
cut and Delegate Ravllns IL the only
Utah man In Washingtou.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01
ADJUSTMENTS.

CONFETTI THE rUGLIsr has arrived
aud will appear at the Theater tonight
In the play which has been fitted ami
fashioned to his pugilistlc abilities
Gentleman Jack. Curiosity to sec the
gentleman who whipped Sullivan IL as
keen here IA elsewhere, aud without
doubt there will be large turnout.
The fourth act shows the pugllisps
famous training quarters at Loeb Ar
Dor, with oil Of tho paraphornnlia no
used there, and tho scene Of the final
act ia n perfect reproduction OF the
arena OF tho Olympic Club In New
Orleans, whore Colbstt battles with
Charles rwitchell, champion boxer OF
England, played by Professor John
Donaldson. William Delaney, who
has trained and seconded the champion
In the fourth nnd nth acts, anu Man
ager William A. Brady, will ofilciate
us referee.
THE ORPHFus CLuB concert Ia aid
Of the w. q. r.. u. occurs at the Com
grogati1nal church Thursday night.
Following In the program;
orpheus Gleo Club, g water MIL
Last Sight, .... .kiorulf
Cello solo-Notturno.,,..,G o1rgo Golterman
No q. q. Mcintyre.
hsAA hlipss aolnhtod
Dir. Willard squiros.
l1po organ solo. .................., .......,,.
Prof Thomas Radcliffe.
lHe AhnnluAl sssssJnhof
Orphous Glco club,
Contralto solo trolOski
Alrs, W. t. rickard Jr
IVHl.. ID.
iilN-btFNl huN NAAfH tstrsHs sssssssssss
SYMPHONY %, 90 nOotho ven
Prof, Thomas Radcliffe and MossrH.
Pickett ami Gleason.
baritone sol. the storm tiend.,.,.....k0uk0l
Nj. John Robinson.
soprano solo, q Love Me LOyc,.....,.
ono spring Moruing.,..W White
his4 Jcnni1 Winston,
uood might s...,. ..,..s., Dudley Buck
Orphvua cleo tlul.
Prof. II, B, krOuac, conductor.
A. II. Peabody, director.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01
LATEST COURT NEWS.


In the Third district court this after.
noon, in the case Of A. p. Anderson VS.
the II. Dinwoodey Furniture com.
pany, Judge Zane 10y oonsent) granted
the plaintiff a stay Of sixty days ia
which TO iile statement and bill Of eX-
Ceptions for new trial. The trial took
place before Judge Bauch last
week on an action for dam
ages for injuries, claimed 10
have been sustained through tho
vagarlos Of u vicious horse belonging
10 the defendants. The jury found In
tho defendants favor.
Il, De Long was on trial, WHOM tho
NEWS went TO press, on charge Of
stealing a buggy anu barnes belong.
lug 10 l.. Il. Bamberger. Thore was q
second count charging embezzlement
Assistant District Attorney stephens
proseoutes; Attorney s. ii. Lewia do
tends.
j. T., Ahern was acquitted on
charge OF stealing horse, etc. The
case was tried this morning.
u. =. Commissioner Greenman's
health Is slill on the mend.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01

NEW York, May "details OF the
riot Ia the British island Dominica
are received. The bRilifi endowed TO
elect some deiaultors for taxes, whose
property had been bought In by the
government, but was resisted. The
British wGrthip The Mohawk arrived
from the neighboring island lntigua
with the British goyernor5ir william
Haynes Smith, who conferred with the
rioters and subsequently landed
twenty blue Jackets to enforce
the bRilih's order. A 1ght
onsued In which four rioters were
killed and iu-Hy wounded. Captain
Bailey OF the Mohawk and four police
aud many blue Jackets were hurt.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01

ihe oilico o, informal revenue cailet-
.or, position 70 which Jos wns napif.
.Ug:
Tue Pte.dcE;--Mr. Walden, IL wac
only my personal knowledge OF the
i,hor name qualincatio. that defeated
yuu.
Waldou-W"il, Mr.. PRECEDENT, 1 am
losi as ROOD n Democrat 40 ever ami
can only cnuiolu myself ~ thinking;
"Ihe Lord give;h aud thc Lord taEuih
lWayi blessed bu the name Of the
having thus relieved himself Mr..
walden "a taid 20 have huirirdly lsf
HE Pr'sidcnrs presence saddef ana
wiser man.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1893-05-01
Gorernor Mesi,s Rnneniinn.

The several committees appointed to
arrange for reception TO Governor
West are urgently requested to meet
this (Monday) evening at the Demo.
cratic headquarters, wasatoh building,
at G3).
AZ final arrangements must be
entered into Il ia important that a full
representation should be present.
JONI Il. CAME,
w. II. o'BRrES, Chairman.
Secretary.