Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1893-08-13


| tive spoopju snd giving each measure
ful with loaf OF mealie cake and an ell
/ ephant's tongue on toast, together with
the swoetbread of hippopotamus with
| green peas, our men were soon ready tC
make an attack on the wagon, which
was also treklng westward as the crow
| flies.
ut was not long till we heard the
crushing OF twlgs in the jungle, and be-
fore we camDed that night we had
bagged the entire delivery wagon, con-
tanning veal outlets, skun and unskun
ell, shad, sirlyins, tenderloins, fllets,
| rib roaSts, spare ribs, soup bones, pigs
| feet, oysters, spinach and other fauna
/ OF New Jersey, and having killed the
voracious driver we carried him away
| to Railway to act in the capacity OF
mystery for future years"
Though Mr.. Haggard touches very
| lightly upon the zoology Of New Jersey,
one can see that the field is very wide
/ indeed, and with his African vocabulary
and with a gallon or two OF New Jersey
/ spoopju l think l could write very
/ thrilling jungle tale, locating it within
/ ten miles OF New York City. a hectic
/ Imagination, some Congo words and the
right brand Of spoopju will make the
/ zoology OF New Jersey look like Noah's
ark in the midst Of coDlagratlon at sea
PSI forgot TO name the spoopju OF
New Jersey in the list Of her geological
wonders. With IL the field Is enlarged,
and one can see crocodiles with red
stomschs and uhicorns with purple tails
so l am told.
And now comes note from little
boy in the public school OF Lorillard, q
tobacco center in this State, inquiring
about Socrates and how he stood at home
after his name had become famous over
| the then world.
Socrates suffered as do most great
men who return 10 their birthplaceS
and seek 70 impress their o'd neighbOrs.
Going back to Athens, where he was
called sock" even in his full meridian,
is il strange that he should have felt
down at the heel?
give below a notice OF his lecture,
taken from the Athenian Daily Aston
tsher, which, IL is said, was followed by
the suicide Of Socrates, May 30, 40,
B. c.:
"a rather light, audience meandered
| into and ratified around 10 the annex OF
the AcropOlis last evening TO listen TO
Socrates, whom we have heard so highly
spoken OF. Certainly, from what has
been said Of Sock, especially by our vile
contemporary, the Athenian EUening
| Rubber Stamp, we had reason to believe
that Old Sock, the Child Wonder, would
paralyze Athens in three rounds with
| bare knuckleS.
suffice It to say that the audience
was bitterly disappointed, and the Ath-
enian Hook and Ladder Company and
the Corinthian Squirt Company No
are left TO the tune Of about the rent OF
the annex Of the Acropolis and the
/ printing.
"Socrates is greatly over-estimated
man. He writes fairly well, but as an
orator he gives violent pain.
'In the first place, he Is an extremely
plain man. He is pop eyed, stoop
shouldered and baldheaded, with "a
mouth like stab in the dark" How
/ It ever occurred TO him to lecture we do
not understand. He might we'll be
utilized 10 brighten Incorporate men
back into the path Of rectitude, but be
cannot pronounce a panegyric-at least
de does not pronounce it as we have
been accustomed to hearing 1t pro-
nounced.
ION his arrival in town yesterday
| Socratese became the guest OF the Cor
inthian SQUIRT company No. 3 and is
said 20 have visited the public school
and our brewery during the afternoon.
He was asked TO address the primary
classes regarding school work, which
he did In rather clumsy manner. He
then took tea with our esteemed fellow
townsman, Mr.. AlcibiadeS, who lives
back of the Parthenon, and whose an
pouncement regarding his great closing
ont sale OF fall and winter clothing,
hats. caps, togas, sandals and general
footwear may be found elsewhere In
this issue.
1.-THE great man was dumb as an oys-
ter at all these places, barring the pub
lie school, pleading fatigue, though 1t
Is intimated that he was out late the
night before.
1.-The lecture was q rehash OF what
Socrates has before written, and the
lQ0Oy parts VI 10 maui VIZ 0A'''N1So 80
the seats loose, and the low, sad plank
of the scalding tear punctured the
Jokes OF this knockkneed old jew-de-
sprltter from Observation-Disclosures.
at is ssid that Socrates delivered q
course OF lectures on Athenian art In
one OF the provinces before he came
here, and that he offered a prize con-
sistlng Of q set OF dishes and the game
OF T!ddle-de-Winks TO any one who
would be neither absent nor tardy dur
ing the entire course. After some little
discussion the prize was awarded to
the janltor Of the hall.
The gestures of this great man
came Yesterday about an hour or so aft
| er he got here himself, and they were
about that much behind during the en-
tire lecture. In our opinion, the press
has made Socrates aud given him tenn
porary notoriety which in two years
will be too dead TO skin. His gestures
last night were beneath criticism and
were doubtless intended for some other
lecture.
"His voice Is little thinner than his
lecture, and his lower register does not
seem TO take the chill of the hail, There
sat his listeners last night With wet
feet, having wept copiously into their
overshoes az his jokes in the early part
OF the evening, and nothing that he said