Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1893-01-11

skins" :,
Him say: so, joost to slippa on"
Dem him laugh, da monk laugh-mea
too. but ga Col. look solemn and looka
blank lika do Englishman when him
reada da unleavened London Punch.
Da Gov. frightened up da walk froma
da Coliseo TO da ForO Romano (homan
FOrum) with Wilder's latesta story. 1t
ALA bout one man who have no palate,
ana il go liks dees:
One friend meet deesa man In town
one day and say to hin;
"Howdy do, olda man?"
Him answer; I'm hlttin' along
pretty well"
where are you staying now? l
haven't seena you for Tonga whiIe?"
"Out 10 da hountry."
Living out ina da country, ehP Do
ing well?"
II 'hould hmile!"
Making mucha mon'P"
"Horty-hiye dollars a week"
"Pshaw! You maka da forta-hve dol
lars da week? Whata at?"
"Teachin' elOhution."
Teaching da elocution!" yelled da
Colonel, and da laugh of him mouth and
da shake of him bigpa fat sides shook da
wrinkled olda arch Of Septimus SeVerus
so il nearly tumbled down.
Da arch-aend had him handsfull in da
olda days. Ev' time anybod' lick any
bod else he would erects one arch.
Septimus Severus' arch was put up IN
da year OF Annie Dominy 205, but no.
bod knows howa much Sep got on 1t
when he did putta II up.
Vespasian's Temple gotta hurt bout
da sama time. If deY hada hit Yes ona
da Jaw it woulda not hurt him half so
much, but dey plunked i'm In da temple
and 10 knocked him elena out.
Mister Saturn built one temple here
ip 4.11-44, b. c., too. So did Mist
Castor-ou and Mist Pollux, and Mrs.
Venus, and da greata many more Roman
sweus; but dey all done now, and da
Roman Forum is da bogeyard where
DER remains remain.
Titus. Augustus, Constantine and ia
lot more fellows have arches here 10
chestnut Rome, but Time, da arch.
enemy, is get'n' away with dem YER fast-
We went into da Marmertna prison,
where st. PaulO and ST. Peter git held
for so Tonga time. 1t now is one church
at da tep and one chapel ina da cellar.
Ii YER damp, YER dark, and 1t scare ia
monk so him cuddle up close to me.
When da goot Sainta Paul was In
chains here him have no watet to drink,
so him strike. Him strike da bottom OF
da cellar with one rod and one miracu-
lous spring bubble up. Da spring Is
stilla there-it is da only coola water In
Italy-da' monk tOOka drink-mea too
We could swallow da wat easier dan we
could swa' da story.
Mister Caracalla was da mosta mis-
taken man what ev' lived in Rome. Him
builta Que bathhouse big as one noun
tain where sickasteen humid poop could
battle ia one day. 1t failed and stayed
failed fora lack of support. Da Italiano
man is lika da great many stories-he
won'ta wash. And besides, he doota
need TO. Caracalla ouRhta be alive now
and start one washhOuse in Cincinnati.
Ii would maka him rich in Ska weeks.
Trajan was a newspaper reporter.
Anyway, he had solid column set up
in A. d. ia. It is Of Roman type,
with da Gothic capitals and sensationala
headings, and it tells one war story
what would maks da Century Mdgpzine
sick witha envy.
Now letta me make da few remarks
about da Rome Of to-day, and l quit for
deeSa week.
Somebody said: ''Pity is notta known
I'm da Italiano heart" and him struck 1t
joosta right,
Rome needs one Henry Bergh or one
"cruelty toanimals society" l wouldn't
wish mya wOrsta enemy to be Roman
cab horse nor truck horse. We saw one
brute say "Whoa!" TO him haia dead
horse. Da pOora horse stopped. Da
man tooka one club lika baseball bat,
from the da cart, took it in both hands,
walked up to da horse In da mid OF one
busy street. and pounded him ov' da
bony back till da horse nearly fell in
him tracks. Da dull, sicka thuds strucka
chill to da hearts of da Colonel, da
Gov, da monk-mea too, while da driver
and peop' ola da streets only smiled and
grinned,
Da soldiers Of Italy are da dudes,
oilers, and Washers OF da country.
Where you finda one pretty girl you
linda six soldiers, Where you 6nda one
cafe chantaut, one drink saloon, you
find soldiers-in da street, in d. shops,
in da church-ev'where, ev' place you
linda da soldiers - handsome, we'll
dressed, OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES soldiers,
with tight pants, brown eyes and mus
taches And all officers, too. II Italy
would maka dem go out into ds fields
and helpa da old women tills da soil
she might have more cash in her pocket
witha which to carry on scrap with
some odder nation when da time comes.
JOE KERR.