Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1893-07-06
A VENTILATING HAT.


I had got to the very bottom Of the
ladder. Never mind how got there, OF
why I got there, that's my business, and
1t doesn't concern You in the least. But
Twas earning my living all the same,
and earning it honestly. had read sto-
ries of the workhouse, and they made my
flesh creep. 1t wasn't pride that made
me work; it wasn't an honest spirit of
independence. It was the workhouse ]
dreaded and the peculiarly unattractive
fare provided for the pauper. And there
was with 1S pence, my days earnings,
between me and the casual ward. With
in "a hours that 1S pence would assuredly
disappear, and unless got work of some
sort to the casual ward should have to
go. I and gentleman in position sim
liar to my own were talking matters
over.
"Things is very slack, governor" said
he to ma.
"There is one game you might try"
continued my acquaintance with a be-
nignant smile, 'and that's Wilkins, the
ventilating halter. But you can't keep
on with that long, you know. It's ruin
to the constitution.
Anything was better to my mind than
the casual ward, so l asked for Wilkins
address.
"Oh, you can't miss it," was the an
swer; 'you Just walk down Shoreditch.
There's always crowd outside Wilkins
shop, and all you've got to do is to ask,
boldlike, for Wilkins, and when you sees
him you just ups and says, I'D like to be
in the way of earning a honest 'alf
crown, SIR Then he'll put you in the
way at wunst." Then my friend nodded
and departed.
arrived at Shoreditch. wasn't long
| in finding Wilkins--there was crowd
| in front of the window. In the window
were hundreds Of hats. Every one of
them had ticket bearing the same leg
end, "Willzins' Ventilating Hat" then
followed the price. l gradually elbowed
my way to the front row, and then !
perceived the nature of the exhibition
that gave so much pleasure to the in
habitants Of Shoreditch.
In the center of the array of hats were
two human heads, which protruded
through two artfully constructed holes
in the polished mahogany which formed
the flooring Of the shop front. Each
head was covered by what appeared to
be an ordinary tall hat. The head on
the right had large window ticket be
hind it, on which were the following
words:
"Wilkins' ventilating hat. Perfect
comfort. No suffering from heat by
want of ventilation. The wearer of this
article enjoys life. The head is human
There is no deception. The only estab
hshment in which Wilkins ventilatine
hat may be obtained. 1T comes as boor
and blessing to men, like the Pick
wick, the Owl and the Waverley pen.'"
There was q similar ticket behind the
head on the left:
| "The ordinary silk hat. Observe how
the unfortunate wearer suffers from the
heat. Poor fellowl He evidently wishe.
himself dead. The common unventilateG
hat Of commerce is q fiendish invention
worthy Of the atrocities Of the wors
days of the Spanish inquisition. TIL,
wearer of an unventilated hat is hurry
ing to an early grave. The head is hu
man; there is no deception"
noticed that the mahogany plankin:
of the shop front below the heads wa
perforated with innumerable small holes
Then observed that there was yer,
great difference in the appearance of th
faces of those wearing the hats. Th
gentleman wearing Wilkins ventilatin,
hat looked the picture of contentment
He smiled. He seemed as if he had at
tanned the summit Of human bliss. Fl
J was evidently very comfortable indeed
The other head presented striking con
trast. Never till now had the leas
idea that such dreadful effects were pre-
duced by the wearing of an unventilate,
hat. The facS was as pale as death. !
! cold perspiration seemed to trickle fror
J every pore. The mouth was set a
though in agony, and all through an un
ventilated hat. I boldly determined t
enter the shop.
"What can show you, sir?" said al
assistant, with excessive urbanity.
81 want to see Mr.. Wilkins" IrepIed
"That is Mr.. Wilkins" said the man
indicating portly and benevolent look
ing gentleman in black silk waistcoat
"What can do for you, my man?
} said Mr.. Wilkins.
"pd like to be in the way Of earnin
an honest half crown, sir" I replied.
every good, my man." said Mr.. Wi
kins, with smile. SIS there a vacanc
: today, Boldgerr'
eyes, sir. Certainly, sir" replied th
man. "We shall be ready for the ger
: tleman in about 20 minutes"
"Been here before, my MANI" said MI
Wilkins to me, not unkindly.
"Not l." replied.
"Then you'd better put him throug
the mill, Boldger," said Mr.. Wilkins t
} the foreman.
"Step this way, young man." said th
foreman to me, and ! followed him int
! lavatory.
"There you are" he said. "You're i
luck, young man." he went on. "Half
crown for wearing new hat for thre
lours is good pay. You'll be on at {
and you'll be of at Q. This gentlema
is waiting his turn. He is one Of on
regulars"
4, The man who was waiting his tuT
was wretch, but his neck and fase ha
been carefully washed, and his hair wc
! combed and brushed. / washed my fac
! and brushed my hair, and I thought thf
] to wear an unventilated hat even thre
hours couldn't be SO very dreadful