The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1892-10-26

Depsrt-Mark Twain and Columbus
First Bust-A Few Essays on Him
By the American Boy.
From the New York World
In the year 1875 certain Livingston Hop
kins perpetrated "a Comic History Of the
United States" 1t was his first offense, and
one is pleased to learn from Allison's Die
tionary of Authors that it was his last.
Nevertheless, the offense Is not easily to be
forgiven. Mr.. Hopkins idea OF humor was
Of a criminally conventional sort. He
PLAYED weird tricks with the ghosts Of de-
parted OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES that had long
ago been cast out of literature and had per-
ished in the cutters.
Imagine a writer who deems 10 comic to
say that "Christopher Columbus was born
at Genoa In Italy, country chiefly famous
for its talented organ-grinders. The youth
full Christopher soon made the melancholy
discovery that he had no talent in that
direction. His tastes the rather took a
scientific turn. This was a sad blow TO bis
good parents, who did hope their son would
take a turn at the hurdy-gurdy instead. His
aged father pointed out that science was low
and Improbable, geology was humbug,
meteorology and madness were synonymous
terms and astronomy ought TO be spelled
on until we reach the time when Colum-
bus "petitioned the Italian congress to fit
out an expedition and let him prove his
theory, with the result that the Italian con-
gress magnanimously offered to set him up
Ia business with first-class hand organ and
an educated monkey cashier on condition Of
his leaving the country once for all; but
Columbus expressing his regret for his lack
Of musical ability, declined this generous
offer and turned with a sigh to other gov
ernments for assistance. Finally, after IF.
teen years of effort, he succeeded in con-
vincing Queen Isabella of Spain that there
was an undiscovered country beyond the
seas, OVERLOOKING with milk aud honey.
which it would be worth while to work up.
He proved his theory with the aid of an egg
(which he made stand on end, an old
Boston city directory, and ground plan Of
Philadelphia (see school books, and demon
strsted to the good lady's entire satisfaction
that she might realize largely by fitting out
an expedition, and let him at its head 60
and discover it,"
But enough of this. A very little may
have q certain scientific interest, as a sample
Of the sort of thing which some men can
write and few others can laugh at. But
larger dose would nauseate.
A book Of much higher order is the
comic biography Of Columbus, which
W. L. Alden contributed TO 3 series entitled
Lives Of American Worthless" planned by
Henry Holt. the publisher, in 1881. The
series was TO deal in light and humorous
way with many Of the most famous of our
compatriots. Thus Charles Dudley Warner
led off with a life of John Smith, and
Robert j. Burdette followed Mr. Alden's
Columbus with a life of William Penn.
John Habberton was announced to do
Washington, and George 7. Lanigan to do
Andrew jackson. But the series came to an
abrupt end with Burdette's book. Perhaps
1t is just as well
HIS FREQUENT BIRTHS.
Mr.. Alden's columbus" is as good as any
OF the trio. Yet it was not an enormous
success. 1t was found funny in spots, but
as whole it was tiresome and its humor
was somewhat conventional. 1t consisted
in great part of wilful anachronisms and Of
mere verbal trifiing.
1t opens rather unpromisingly in this
manner: christopher Columbus was born
at more places and to a greater extent than
any other eminent man known to history +"
We remember Mark Twain's Benjamin
Franklin was born twins. He was born
simultaneously in two houses in Boston,
and on the whole we do not care for Mr..
Alden's Encouragement of an old gag that
was old even before Marx Twain. THE
father Of Columbus" the biographer adds,
ives Doinenico Colombo, wool oomber by
occupation. Whose wool be combed, and
why he combed it, and whether wool comb
ing is preferable to wool gathering as an in
tellectual pursuit, are questions that have
never been satisfactorily decided You
can laugh at this without actual degrade
ton. Yet 1t is not very brilliant flight Of
humorous fancy.
Some pages further on a good hit is made,
when the biographer considers Columbus
constant declaration that his chief reason
for desiring to discover new countries was
that he might convey the gospel to the
pagan inhabitants thereof and also find gold
enough to fit out new crusade for the re-
covery of the holy sepulcher. Perhaps
Columbus really thought that he wanted to
dispense the gospel aud fight tho Mohamsd-
dams, and that be did not care & straw about
becoming great explorer and having the
state capital of Ohio named after him; but
his fixed determination rot to carry a
particle OF gospel TO the smallest possible
pagan, except upon terms highly advan-
tageous to his pockets and his schemes OF
PERSONAL aggrandlzement, is scarcely recon-
cllable with his pious protestations. His
own church decided not very long ago, that
MS moral character did not present avail
able materials for the manufacture OF a
saint, and it is only too probable that the
church was right.
1t is a curious illustration Of the deter
minatiOn of his biographers to prove him
an exceptionally noble man, that they dwell
with much emphasis upon his stern deter
mination not to undertake any explorations
except upon his own extravaganza terms.
10 the unprejudiced mind his conduct might
seem that Of a shrewd and grasDiug man,
except upon making a profitable speculs-
uon' The biographers, however, insist that
u was the conduct of great and noble
nature, caring for nothing except geographi-
cal discovery and the conversion Of I'M
limited heathen.
>, Columbus final success in obtaining from
ferdinand and Isabella a full compliance
WIN bis preposterous demands is attributed
Dy this biographer 10 his unparalleled
powers OF conversation.
COLUMBUS TALKED THEM TO DEATH.
we know that most of these persons
WIN whom he was on familiar terms when
ne hrst conceived his scheme soon died. aud
tne inference that they were talked to death
irresistible. Beyond any doubt these
4 we're only few Of his victims. Columbus
.al6ed in Portugal until he was compelled
70 ny the Kingdom, and he talked in Spain
uhtll the two monsrchs and a few other
gear-headed persons felt that if he could
oe got out OF the country by providing him
Tth ships money and titles, it must be
uone, We can readily understand why the
Jews that he was actually about to leave
spain, and to undertake voyage in the
course OF which it was universally believed