Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-02-21

century. Five years from now all the
swearing will be done by machinery-you
won't ever hear proiane word come from
human lips on ship Millions of dollars
have been spent by the churches in the effort
to abolish profanity in the commercial ma
rine. Think of Tiny name will live for
ever in the affections of good men as the
man who, solitary and alone, accomplished
this noble and elevating reform"
80, it is grand and benefcent and beauti-
full. How did you ever come to think of it?
You have wonderful mind. How did you
say you loaded the machine?"
80, it's no trouble-perfectly simple If
you want to load it up loud and strong, you
stand right over it and shout. But if you
leave it open and all set, it'll eavesdrop, so
to speak-that is to say, it will load itself
up with any sounds that are made within
six feet of it. Now I'll show you how it
works. / had an expert come and load this
one up Yesterday Hello, its been left
open; it's too bad; still reckon it hasn' t
had much chance to collect irrelevant stuff
All you do is to press this button in the
floor, So"
The phonograph began to sing, in plain
tive voice:
Where they have ham and eggs three times
day
'Hang it, that amt it. Somebody's been
singing around here"
The plaintive song began again, mingled
with low, gradually rising wall of cats
slowly warming up toward fight:
Oh, how those boarders yell,
When they hear that dinner bell
'They give that landlord (momentary
outburst of terrific catfght which browns
out one wor6) "three times day." IRE
newal of furious catfght for moment
The plaintive voice on a high fierce KEY:
f'Scat, YOU devils"-and q racket as of f1y-
ing missiles
"well, never mind-let it 60. I've got
some sailor profanity down in there some
where if could get to it. But it isn't any
matter; you see how the machine works"
Hawkins responded with enthusiasm:
20, it works admirably! know there's q
hundred fortunes in it. -
"And mind, the Hawkins family get their
share, Washington
80, thanks, thanks; you are just as gener-
Gus as ever. All, it's the grandest inven-
tion of the age!''
"Ah, well, we live in wonderful times
The elements are crowded full of benefcent
forces-always have been-and ours is the
first generation to turn them to account and
make them work for us. Why, Hawkins,
everything is useful-nothing ought ever to
be wasted. Now, look at sewer gas for in
stance. Sewer gas has always been wasted
heretofore; nobody tried to save up sewer
gas; you can't name me a man. Amt that
SO? You know perfectly well it's so.
Eyes, it is so, but l never-er-I don't
quite see why body"
''Should want to save it up? Well, I'll
tell you. Do you see this little invention
here?-its decomposer-I call ita decom-
poser. l give you my word of honor that
if you show me a house that produces a
given quantity of sewer gas in day, I'll
engage to set up my decomposer there and
make that house produce 100 times that
quantity of sewer gas in less than half an
hour"
Dear me, but why should you want TOP"
"Want to? Listen, and you'll see. My
boy, for Illuminating purposes and econ
omy combined, there's nothing in the
world that begins with sewer gas. And
really, it don't cost cent. You put in .
good inferior article of plumbing such as
you find everywhere-and add nv decom-
poser, and there you are. just use the Or
dinary gas pipes-and there your expense
ends. Think of it. Why Major, in five
years from now you won't see a house
lighted with anything but sewer gas.
Every physiciSa talk to recommends it.;
and every plumber"
"But isn't it dangerous?"
80, yes, more or less, but everything is
coal gas, candles, electricity-there isn't
anything that amt"