Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-07-14
HUMOR OF THE WEEK.
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable
Phases of Human Nature Graphically
Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists OF
Our Own Day.
Scissored Smiles.

81 DllIIt 1CCOUIu
THE man with no music in his soul
should hire a hand-organ. -Picayune.
REMAINS TO BE SEEN-At the
morgue. Boston Commercial Bulle-
| tin.
COMBINING pleasure with business
-sugar-coating a pill.-W Washington
Star.
STEALING away from bad company
is justifable larceny.-Binghamton
Leader.
CHAMPAIGN badge, sir?" mo, do
not badger me. Boston Commercial
Bulletin.
WHEN a man has good horse sense
| he doesn't bet on the races.-Bing
hamton Republican.
A MANS days are numbered, but he
cannot recover any of the back num-
bers.-Rochester Post.
THE man who wants to live in
clover need only buy lawn-mower.
Chicago Inter Ocean.
The tramp may be all wool and q
| yard wide, but he is goods that will
| not wash.-Dallas News.
THE man who is the most awkward
at saying nice things is usually the
most sincere.-Atchison Globe.
THE cabbage crop is about the only
| thing farmer can raise to get d
head. -Binghamton Republican.
| TIE English language is being
ruthlessly piIlaged by young people
about to commit graduation. Chi
cago News.
One place is just about as good as
another for a man WithOutany money.
| In fact he is nowhere anywhere
Galveston News.
No TEST Of the bicycle was neces-
sary to demonstrate the value OF
wheeling in military tactics. st.
Louis Post dispatch.
IT is said that q swallow can catch
5000 flies in day. What a base
ball player the swallow would make.
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
THE latest contribution to astro-
nomical science is that the moon reg
ularly has a couple of horns before
getting full. -Philadclphi Times.
as MARY a good servant?" "In
instructed sort of way She dusts
the cobwebs off the wine bottles and
leaves 'em everywhere else. Life.
Il srAID until the curtain fell on
the last act" Il think the curtain
or something must have fallen on the
first act. 1t was so flat. "-Harper's
Bazaar.
On THE STEAMER: He-"I should
judge that you were a typical sailor. D
| She-"Well, yes-that is, / can heave
about everything except the anchor.
Cloak Journal.
The Vassar girl learns above all
things to reason back from effect to
cause. When her guitar string snaps
she exclaims: plague on the cat!"-
Galveston News.
! In MEMORIAL HALL.-"See here,
waiter, this pie hasn't any apples in
it," Waiter-"I know it, sab, it am
made of ewapowated apples. "-Har-
ward Lampoon.
Mrs. WICKwIRE-"Bridget, where
is the lobster?" Bridget - "Sure,
maam, / put it on the windy to cool
| 1t looked red hot twin | TUX it out,
ma am. indianapolis Journal.
ACTOR FRIEND Gnquiring at board
ing house -"Has Mr.. Comedy taken
his departure yet?" EYES," snapped.
the landlady, "that's all he did take.
I've got his wardrobe. It'd Bits, I
"FATHER," said a 6-year-od boy.
"where is Atoms?" atoms. my boy?
What do you mean?" why, that
place where everything gets blown
| to."-Boston Commercial Bulletin.
HER SACRIFICE: He" Darling, IL
/ give you such an expensive engage
ment ring, we can't get married 50
soon" She-"Never mind, dear: for
your sake | can wait. y arper's
| Bazaar
Mrs. GooD-Young Slimby is a
! very exemplary gentleman. He takes
| his fancee to church every Sunday.
Mrs. Sharpe-Yes, Slimby's shrewd
one. A couple of seats in the church
area deal cheaper than two chairs at
the theater. Boston Transcript.
MISTRESS. "Oh, Mary, see this
mirror / have broken, and think Of
the bad luck I shall now have for
seven years." Maid - what, that
little bit of a mirror? But think of
mel have just broken the big mir
ror in the parlor."- Fliegende Blaetter.
WHAT do you mean by disturbing
me at this hour of the night" said an
Austin doctor angrily to a darky who
woke him up at three o'clock in the
morning. Il jes allowed, boss. dat
yer was 50 busy yer didn't hab time
ter tend ter poor folks in de day time,
SO / lowed I'd drop in after supper.
Texas Siftings