The record-union., 1892-02-01
SQUTNK'S CONSCIENCE.
1t is Constantly Bobbing Up to Impede
His Progress.
He Discusses the Chilean Situation,
and Proves Himself as Patriotic
as Artemus Ward.

S-copd 3furdeTer-I'll not meddle with it
1t is a dangerous thing; it makes man cow
ard; man cannot steal, but 1t aecuseth hlrn;
q man cannot swear, but 1t checks MIN;
man cannot lie but IL detects MIN! lis
blushing, shamefaced spirit, that mutlnies in
q mans bosom! 1t fills one full OF obstacles;
ii made me once restore purse OF gold, that
by chance found; il beggars any man that
keeps it; it is turned out of all towns and
cities for a dangerous thing; and every man
that endeavors TO live well means 10 trust 10
himself and live without II.
That is what William Shakespeare, the
greatest man I know OF, fixed up for
murderer who couldn't carry on business
and keep conscience on hand. Shake
speare could get about as much cold fact
into a few sentences as words can stand
up under; but he wrote up few critical
remarks that / always take my hat of 20
read If / could do anything for Shake
speare I would do it for nothing, and be
obliged to him. II he has had any trouble
since leaving this planet, and will send
in a petition to the United States Con-
gress, we will help him out Or close up
the Government.
Still, he is little sweet on some OF our
towns which really haven't turned con-
science out, exactly. because they never
had any in to start with. Shakespeare is
dead right in every other observation.
When I found this statement of his about
conscience, | came TO violent conclu-
sion as TO what has been the matter with
my operations-simply, conscience. L
never could steal anything, with any
comfort, unless the night was very dark
and there was no barb-wire fence around
1t; and as for swearing, could have be-
come an expert in several languages, but
for conscience. AS to lying, l am pos
sessed Of "a latent energy that | have
allowed to lie dormant, and several other
ways. Ifit wasn't tor conscience could
lie with considerable alacrity and aptl-
tude, and reap lottery profits.
But this same conscience, as Shake
speare remarks, mutinies in my bosom
and fills me full Of obstacles. Several
times / have drawn up plans and speciti-
cations for the construction of a lie that
would be Il monumental product Tor any
moderate climate to produce-a lie that
would attract attention at the W orld' 5
Fair. l have q crude drawing of lie
which, if constructed ON modern scientific
principles Of sky-high architecture. with
a mansard roof and signal tower atop,
would result in universal stupetaction
and respect.
However. inasmuch as history has on
file some very illustrious lies, and our
stantly producing more elaborate artists
than can tind legitimate employment.
the temptation is strong within me. II /
can get some able-bodied person with an
elephant to hold my conscience for a few
hours, l may succumb to Satan and erect
a pretty tough statement myself. 1t is
singuiarly sinful, but notably unmistak-
able, that lying is one of the most attract
i've industries. Robert Burns, while
carving a haggis. which he eyed with
ccmmendable suspicion, remarked:
Some things are lies from end to end,
And some good lies were never penned;
Zen ministers they ha' been kenued
In holy rapture,
A rousing whid at times to vend
And naiPt WI scripture.
Whatever had been compiled for Rob
ert, bound up and boiled in a sleeps
paunch, he liked it, and he is a most
worthy and illustrious example of the
fact that all poets are not subject to
asthma, indigestion and conscience.
In these few luminous remarks upon
conscience, / have inadvertently Swerved
aside at slight and attractive angle, but,
under my contract with the publishers, |
get so much space for my money, and /
propose to fix up words attractiy ely, re-
gardleSs of results. If this should meet
the eye of any person who would not
know conscience if he met one on the
street, he should study Shakespeare him
self.
Fool-When a wise man gives thee better
counsel, give me mine Shakespeare.
Since we have begun to cultivate more
intimate relations with Chile have had
considerable trouble with my intellect. l
can't comprehend the entire situation
fully, although I have given it a fair
chance. Still, no one has any better
facilities for graphing with what he knows
about any subject than have. I have
boiled down few ideas ofmine until what
residue remains is pretty well concen-
trated, and if / can once convince people
that l am someone in particular, l eX-
pect to make my opinions stick better.
After experimenting some of the best
intelligence in this vicinity, at work upon
the subject, l have deduced deductions as
follows:
First-T don't want any war. If any
body wants my portion, he can have it.
True, would like little revenge, but /
never got any revenge yet that was worth
taking home. A friend Of mine shot
leg OF me once, and l went around TO his
house and got all the revenge he and
most of his family had on hand, and 1T
didn't do much good; l had to go on
crutcheS just the same, until my leg grew
out again, and l had to help support the
orphans l had created, and nobody paid
me a cent.
had demonstrated quite viyidly that
wouldn't stand and be shot at, or i'm
posed upon, but people soon forgot it,
and had either to keep on killing folks,
or risk losing some more of myself. So L
moved away. The man who moved onto
my ranch killed off everybody that tried
any fooliShneSS on him, but he never
made it pay, and he didn't have time
enough left 10 keep up his fences.
one thing was noticeable nnF npirh-
borhood-all the adjoining people said it
was pity we had so much trouble, but
they always seemed to be glad of it. and
sold us all the guns and fireworks we had
use for. During our operations all the
profits and spoils-and most of the Joy
went to the non-com batants. | finally
pasted a resolution in my hat, as follows:
Rs-War don't pay. l would like to kill
everybody OH, but can't; besides it's wicked
If anyone has anything that 1 want,
and l can take 1T away from him peace
ably, that's business; if he hasn't any
thing want, all I've got TO do is to k eep
him from burghng me. If he's bigger
than am sure l am, and wants to Kill
me, / either marry into his family or
move.
II l owned any Chilean bonds would
sell them or trade them TO some other for
eigner, and if any of my folks were in
Chile I'd tell them to come away or Join
the tribe. But if any of my folks had
been killed by Chilean barbarians and all
i could get was revenge, / would look
upon that portion of the family as dead
loss. A few dead ChileanS wouldn't do
me or my unfortunate folks any moral or
financial good, and would feel as though
the cannibals had eaten them or they had
been 6rowned-if L didn't feel this mag
nanlmity would be more angry than