davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
No IInlr Needed.

"Now, gentlemen" began the fakir, as
he arranged half hundred bottles on a
temporary table at the street corner, 1
am here to sell the original and only Pata-
eonian Hair Remover. 1t has been In use
for thirty-two years, and has been tired Dy
millions Of people. and yet have never
heard OF an instance where it failed 10 aco
as warranted. II il fails 10 produce
growth Of new hair on the head within SIX
weeks agree to forfeit 500. | have ae-
posted the money in the Second National
bank and shall be here about three
months. Who buys the first bottle Tor d
dollary"
Look a-here, msterl' said an old man
as he pressed forward. wasn't you down
TO Skinnersville last spring."
"Skinnersvillei | believe | was"
Wasn't you selln this same stuff down
therei"
Stuff was selling my Patagonian
Hair Remover, sirl"
"Waal, want you to look at my head,
continued the old chap as he uncovered a
poll as smooth and shiny as a new dinner
plate II bought bottle Of that stun
Stuff DO you mean my Hair he
newerW
Exactly. You warranted it to force
growth of new HAIR inside of six weeks.
used it, Whar's the growth Whar's the
new hair"
my friend" said the fakir as he grew
very solemn. Edo you recall the woruS
blown into the glass"
NO don't remember"
"Then let me jog your recollection. IL
says on every bottle, Not warranted IN the
case Of an old baldheaded coon looking for
a third wife Now, then, you were look
ing, weren't your"
''Yaas was lookin, and | got her, TOO,
and you kin 90 TO pot with your old white
washW
MY friend u
And / got a hundred acre farm with
her. and she's eXpectin a thousand dollars
back pension, and if was sixty-iive years
Younger I'd lick you outer yer butes fur a
deceiver"
"My friend. p
Growth Of new HAIR be durnedl" shout
ed the old man as he backed off. "Didn
need no new ha'r, nor any ha'r at all She'd
bin loyin me .ur twenty years, and jumped
at the chance to hev me! Go to ballyhack
with yer old Pattygonian dishwater ana
don't never speak to me aginp
NJ. QUAD.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

cover here in place they call the rink.
He's even BLOWN around that he's goin TO
open bOXin skule. Consarn him, but he
thinks don't know putty"
and yOu want some one TO put on the
gloves and crack his jaw"
Il dew, and I'll give the cracker five
dollars fur his work. Do you scrap, as
they call iti"
Just little-just enough to make
your son Bill see about a million stars
while he is falling Pm feeling pretty
well this morning. and will 90 over ana
tickle William on the chin"
Good! The five is yours if you do it.
Hain't you drummer"
Eyes. | travel for a Buffalo house, but
that's no reason why | can't have some
fun with your son Bill
"Not bit Of it, Don't break his neck
or anything, but put him to sleep, as they
call IT, You know how 10 do it,"
The drummer looked ike an athlete,
and from the confident smile on his face
we had no doubt Of his prowess as a boxer
The whole crowd went over to the rink
and Bill was found mending rip in an
old glove He was long and labky. He
had white eyebrows and a vacant express
sion in his turnip colored eyes A number
Of the villagers dropped in, and pretty soon
the drummer picked up glove and said:
wonder if there is any one around here
who can box"
81 believe my son Bill over thar does n
leetle boxin, replied the old man as he
happened in just then.
docs hes Here-you-want to put on
the Gloves
~ don't keer," replied Bill, and he slow
~ got ND and thrust his big sunburned
paws into pair Of gloves
"Play him couple of minits and then
crack him." whispered the father.
AS the two squared off Bill appeared AS
awkward as a haycock on stilts, but for all
that the drummer failed to get in on him.
After about minute and while we were
wondering why Bill didn't drop, the Buf.
falo man suddenly fell in heap and lay
like a log. 1t took us ten minutes to bring
him 60. IL took him another ten to locate
his surroundings and say:
Some Of you boys help me over TO the
hotel and then get doctor to set my jaw"
II thought you was goin to make Bill
see stars" said the old man as he came up.
"You 90 away. you old villainP
"0entlemen. listen TO himi Az I'm
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
She Admitted All.

He looked troubled as he took his aocus-
toned seat in the parlor, and finally he
blurted out;
"Maude, have you deceived me'"
"Iy" She exclaimed. 81. Reginald How
can YOU even think OF such a thing;'
no, no." he said 1T cannot be true.
And yet-and yet-Maude, do you remem-
Der that man who sat just ahead OF us at
the theater last night"
She gave barely perceptible start as she
asked, "Tbat dapper little fellow with a
waxed mustacheY
eyes" he replied gravely. Il heard him
talking Familiarity of you between tse-
acts"
"Of meg" She was nervous; even he
could not help noticing that.
"Of you," be reiterated. HE said you
had one Of the smallest waists in the city"
"He daredw
"He did. He said it had changed an
eighteenth Of an inch in eighteen months.
When he last put his arm around It it was
the same perfect
"Did-did you strike him, Reginald"
she asked anxiously.
mo" he replied. "Why should make
scene anu tIdas Oul name lhbO
"Thank heaven for that" she exclaimed
gratefully
"Maude, Maude" he cried wildly. "He
Is something to you"
Nothing; | swear it" replied the
beautiful girl.
"But his wordsl his words Are they
truef"
ALAS, Reginald, they are"
"His arm has been around that waistS"
within the week." she admitted re
luctantly. but hear me, Reginald
Unhappy woman" he cried as he rose
% leave. Thus do p
Hear mel hear meP she pleaded -
FweGr'-
He stopped in the doorway.
81 will hear you" he said with deter
mination. ~ will hear his name. Give
it me that may ask him out. WHO'S he?"
''My habit maker" remarked the beauti-
full rirl blushing. "IIe is making a travel
ing dress for our wedding tour now. u
Detroit Free Press.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
,ay. | WAC eittin along zinc wild die uniten

pay. was eittin along fine wild de United
Brethren when / missed so much of my
woodpile dat loaded a stick an blowed
up de family OBJ de man who had de pew
right In front OBJ me. Den / sorter ambled
back down de scale till struck de Metho-
dists agin. an I'ze stickin right dar. hev
diskihered dat It hain't In de rcligun tall
It's all in de man. II de Lawd made man
pizen mean to begin wild yo' may chuck
him full o. seben different kinds o. re-
hgun widout maxim a decent pusson O.
b him.
81 h'ar talk bout dis doctrine an dat
doctrine. but doan' go red cent on doc
trines Oar am 10 short cuts to heaben.
If yo' wish 20 sit dar' yo' has got to go
around all de elbows an climb all de hills.
Tze knowed men who war great sticklers
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
rures for Snake Bites

Some one has discovered that the leaves
Of bitter aromatic plant (Aristolochla
indco) if bruised into pulp, mixed with
little water and swallowed will often cure
the bite OF the Indian cobra.
1t has been known TO cure even when the
victim showed no sign OF life save warmth
Of the body, but the most general remedy
h the snake stone Professor Faraday has
found this 10 be made of charred bone. IL
isapplied to bite, and when it drops oil o.
IT'S own accord the patient is said TO be out
Of danger. These stones are used also IN
Mexico.-St. Nicholas.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

THREE BULLETS PASSED THROUGH OUR HAT.
utes Another collapse by our esteemedl
When the applause died away we formed
this glorious Union OF states, put George
Washington at the head of the Continental
army. and then proceeded TO lick the
British ont OF their boots. We probably
piled il on little thick, but everything
goes out here in a political campaign
lCheers for the speaker, which was us,
MINGLED with the noise Of "A fight near the
soor
When we struck the war Of 1872 the ont
burst Of enthusiasm lifted the roof two
feet high Ycils 10y our esteemed Of Why
don't somebody shoot him'l When we
got along down TO the Mexican war moth
ing could longer hold our audience. From
our position on the platform we saw seven
fights iu progress at once, and were pleased
70 observe our esteemed contemporary
crawling under a bench for safety. We
had intended TO bring matters down to the
present date. but the enthusiasm OF the
audience prevented. When a majority Of
any crowd out this way makes up It's mind
that "a speaker is sound on the goose ques-
ton he needn't break any more suspenders
in furnishing additional proofs. While we
were waiting To go ON three bullets passed
through our hat and two dead jackass
rabbits fell at our feet. In return for the
compliment orr crowd cleaned the opposi-
ton OF the grounds and rounded up six
fingers, a couple Of eyes, somebody's chin,
four ears. thirteen pistols and a basket Of
knives The meeting closed with volcano
Of enthusiasm. during which we were car
riel around in triumph on the shoulders Of
Arizona patriots
The canvass may be said to have fully
opened We realize that we are to be OPP
posed by a vindictive and malicious minori-
~, whose motto is, Rule or ruin" but
We firmly believe that we shall come out
on top OF the heap. We shall speak at
Lone Tree on Monday evening, and we
hope 10 be greeted 10y an audience just az
full of ardor and enthusiasm. We shall
ship 1000 extra cartridges by stage tomor-
row. aud about seventy patriots will go
over with us and help make the meeting a
glorious success
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
GENERAL Y. 8. PARKER.

niniscences ia that GENERAL Y. s. fARKkR.
his account of tile famous interview at APP
nomattox differs materially from that OK
General Grant The latter says that Cen
eral Lee was startled at the appearance OF
the Indian, suppo sing at first that ne was
a mulatto; but General Parker adds that
General Lees face flushed with indigna
tion. and that it seemed to him (Parker)
that the negotiations were very ilkeiy 70
be broken off abruptly. General Lee evil
IDENTIFY thought that mulatto had been
called on to do the writing as gratuitous
affront.
OF the 100000 Indians in the United
States about 5000 are in New York state
viz, Seneca, $500; Onondaga, 400; Tusca'
lora. 400; Mohawks, IS; Cayuga, 20; strag'
Cling Mohawks, 200, with others unac-
counted for. There Is much difference of
opinion as to their progress and capacity.
General Parker is a Seneca, and as at the
beginning of the war it was thought well
TO recognize that race he was encouraged to
apply for a commission. He asked to be APP
pointed as an engineer, but was refused. and
went home greatly disappointed. A few
weeks later he was surprised to receive
commission az adjutant from Secretary
Don Cameron. He Immediately started for
Washington and was assigned to General
Grants staff General Parker and Gen.
eral Grant were very close friends all dur
ing the formers service as the generals
private secretary. 1t was his duty to write
all General Grants dispatches to staff OH
GERS and to the government, and they be-
came such warm friends that when Gem
eral Grant became president he appointed
General Parker commissioner OF Indian,
affairs
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

Christian man and prayin man, ] had
the oxen and cart all ready behind the
rink to load Bill in and take him home TO
die. didn't 'spose Bill could knock a
grasshopper of post. Won't some OF the
rest Of you gentlemen put up your dukes,
as they call IL, and slam him TO hashf its
five dollars fur the slammer."
But William waited in vain. No slam.
mer appeared, and an hour later the Ola
man passed the hotel on his way home ana
yelled ut his oxen
"Haw, thar, Nero-gee up, Buck Whoa,
now Gentlemen, I'm mighty sorry, but
was deceived In Bill myself. Stand stun,
Buckl II any the rest of you should feei
hke"-
But we rose up and threw chairs ut him.
and drove him away.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
ARIZONA KICKER.
A GREAT SPEECH MADE BY A GREAT
EDITOR.

a Il Received with the Most Unqualified
Approval. and the Efforts Of the oppo-
sition Fail To Mako Any Great impress
sion-The Canvass Is Opened.
Copyright, 1902. by Charles b. I.ewis.l
OUR GREAT SPEECH. We shall be nom
mated to run for state senator in this dis
trict. II we had any doubts of it up to last
Monday night we have had none since.
We opened our campaign that evening at
Jacks Point 1t had been extensively adj
vertised that we would speak there and
on our arrival we found n crowd OF several
hundred yeomen. They were not exactly
all yeomen. There were about 100 first
class wretches belonging to the corrupt OPP
position. who had been coaxed, bribed or
driven in like so many cattle to boot us OIL
the platform We expected it and went
prepared
We were introduced 10 the audience by
Captain Jack Scott who paid us beauti-
ful and touching tribute. Tears spranS
unbidden to our eyes a. we listened 10 MS
story Of our hardships and our deterhiD"
ton 10 conquer or die. lie compared Us 70
Washington at Valley Forge ana INC
mighty cheer that arose from the audience
could have been heard three miles away
He spoke OF our private graveyard ana the
hiss Of displeasure started by our mario"
minded. esteemed cotemporary, who was
on hand in hopes 10 see us downed, was
drowned in a Niagara Of applause He al
luded 20 THE KICKER as the sunbeam of the
mighty west, and 70 our mayoralty as the
reign of peace and good will, and the
heavens were rent with thunderous shouts
Of admiration. Our esteemed contemporary
collapsed about that time, but as after
events proved be was not yet entirely dis
couraged.
When we were led forward we began
speaking az if we had summered and win
tered with Henry Clay for the last dozen
years lCries Of PUT him outP'l While
we knew IL was TO he the effort Of our life,
we were as cool and collected as on the day
we split Jim Thompson's ears with right
and left handed shots. EIoots and yells
and Kisses. mostly started by our esteemed.
As was aGerward remarked, We knew
exact. " what that audience wanted. We
skipued the garden of Edcn-dOdged the
whale which swallowed Jonah-twisted
around the fall Of Rome, and only just
touched the pyramids Of Egypt as we gal
loped past. Yells Of Shoot him off the
PLATFORM but no shooting. After we
got down 20 the Revolutionary war we
realized that we had our audience with us
Wells Of EGO hang yOurselfN'l When we
got down 10 where the bell of Liberty sent
itsu0tes reverberating across the American
continent the applause became so deaf
ening that we had TO pause for two min
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
The Polite Conductor.

1t was OH Back Bay horse car. At -
street she stopped the car, and upon reach
ing the crowded platform attempted TO
get of on the wrong side. "Tbs other
side, madam" said the conductor i
want to get off on this side" she insisted.
"You can't do it, madam" was the reply.
"Conductorr" she exclaimed Indignantly,
81 want TO get of on this side of the ear
wLereupon the polite official Of the west
end in loud voice remarked. "Gentlemen'
please stand aside and let the ledy climb
the gate. boston Transcript.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
BROTHER GARDNER ON DOCTRINES.
He Says Religion Depends a Great Deal
on the AIan.

He Says Religion Depends Great Deal
on the AIan.
when pusson am TOKEN into dis club
asa member" said Brother Gardner, as
the REGULAR order of business was con
cluded I'VE doan' AK what his religun is
We doan' even find out if he's got any
tall, though we hope he's at last be
lever IL has somehow happened dat we
has got in sprinklin OF Methodists,
sprinklin OF Baptists, sprinklin OF Pres-
byterians all few Univarsalists an
United Brethren. While our bylaws eX-
pressly forbid any religus discushun
among members. il has cum TO my knowl-
edge dat dar am good deal Of it gwine
on Deed but il WAS only two days ago
dat Waydown Bebee, who am reg lar
built Methodist, got into row wild Elder
ToOts, who am two story Baptist, an dey
split each odder's blood widOut settlin de
pint as 10 which was de best religun. l
shall impose a fine Of $35, 800 on each one,
all dey will boat stand suspended from dis
oleb till de same am paid up It's no use
o, hevin bylaws Onless we lib up 10 EN-.
"An now bout religun. Pyetried moas'
all kinds in my day. an find 'em all bout
alike. went from de Baptist ober to
de Methodist bekase brudder sold me
u blind mewl. left de Methodist
bekase a brudder borrowed my COT
fee mill an wouldn't return 1t. DE Pres
byterian doctrine suited me all right,
but brudder sold me watch widout
any wheels In 1t. jest got comfortably
settled among de Uniyarsalists when
backed a note fur brudder an had II 10
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09


the contract awarded The monument
will consist of granite base sixteen
feet square at the ground, gradually
diminishing by series Of steps to a highly
ornate square pedestal eleven feet high,
above which rises q shaft surmounted by
a decorative cap supporting an s-foot
bronze figure of n Confederate soldier.
This figure represents an infantryman ut
Appomattox He stands bareheaded and
disarmed his empty canteen and hayer-
sack on his right hip, bis arms folded and
his right hand grasping his broad brimmed
hat.
The whole monument will be forty-six
feet high. On the four sides of the pedes-
tai there will be inserted bronze panels
representing, respectively, "The Seal OF
the Confederacy," 1.-The Call, TO Arms"
"The Lost Cause" "The Eternal Sleep"
The four corners Of the die are broken into
groups of polished granite columns with
fat Romanesque capitals. Just below the
die, in raised letters OF polished granite, Is
the inscription, Confederate Dead"
The contract calls for the delivery OF the
completed monument ready for unveilin2
July |, 1885, although the exact date for
that ceremony has not yet been fixed. 1t
will take place during the month OF July,
however, and will no doubt he the occasion
Of the assembling of many thousands Of
the boys in gray"
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
A simple Test for MIX.

The following test for watered milk -
simplicity itself: a well polished knitting
needle ia dipped into deep vessel Of mix
and Immediately withdrawn in an uprighi.
position. II the sample is pure some o.
the fluid will hang to the needle. but II
water has been added to the milk, even In
small proportions. tia auid will net adhere
to the needle.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
HAVING FUN WITH BILL.
A Man from buffalo Wanted to Lick
Him.

Man from buhaio hdHteu W iiNN
Him.
"Gentlemen," said the old farmer as he
came up the steps Of the hotel veranda,
Ppm Christian man and a prayin man,
and may the Lord forgive me for what I'm
about 10 do"
"What are you about to do'" asked one
Of the crowd
ppm about to ask if there is anybody
among you who Kin put on the boxin
gloves and knock my son Bin into the
middle of next week Bill is twenty years
old, and he's got a fit on to be prize
fighter. Eve talked and talked, but it
don't DO no good. He's as sot as mule,
and nuthin will change him till somebody
comes along and knocks his chin of. e"
"Where is your sonY asked the man who
had SD0kan before
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
A CntN, for Cholera.

There IS no use of any one suffering
with the cholera when Chamberlain
can be procured. 1t will give relief in
few minutes and cure in short time.
| have tried it and know. W. II. Gin
ton. Helmetta. y. j. The epidemic at
Helmetta was mt first believed to be
cholera. but subsequent investigation
proved it to De Violent form of dysen-
terry. almost as dan erous as cholera.
This remedy was used there with great
success. For sale by Owens q Minor
Drug Co.. 1907 east Min street.
Don't think because you re tired of ordinary
food.
There's nothing you can find to eat. that's
really truly good.
Advice is often useless. and is very seldom
taken.
Yet we'll risk it and advise you to try some
FERRIS" Bacon.
II ont Of order use Reechann's Pills
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

He-Don't you intend to give me back
that ring gave you last summer
She Qirmly)-No. sir.
lie (desperately)-Well, will you let me
borrow it for few monthsi-New York
Herald
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

istic OF the man.
His high cheek
bones are b Is most
prominent &c a.
lures. Thes 2 make
him almost cadav-
erous, their effect
being heightened
by big, Sd aggy
eyebrows.
His sixty. four
years sit lightly,
and he is a ppar-
emily as erect and
firm Of foot as
ever. An inter est
ing point In his re-
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
A Powerful Sfimulant.

Hospital Nurse 60 patient who has had a
narrow escape)-Come, cheer up; suppose
you take nice walk 70 the cemetery
that'll liyen you up u bitl"-Nouyelles d la
Main
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

edge OF this or
ganization. While
it numbers in Chi
cago nearly 1900
members, 1900 OK
these are sleeping
their last sleep in
Oakwoods ceme-
terry, and the 200
survivors of the
United Confeder-
ate Veterans have
resolved, before
they pass away, to
erect a,monumene
over the remains
of their old COM
rades in arms.
This resolve, say.
the Chicago Her
aid, has passed the
stage Of resolve
The design for the
monument as
been accepted, the
site selected, the
money raised and
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
THE SENECA GENERAL
Int resting Notes Of tho Career OF GrnaSe
Indian Secretary.

&c neral Ely s. Parker. the famous In
dian who was General Grants private
secra airy at Appomattox and elsewhere, Il
chief Of the supply bureau OF the New
York ,,ity police department and as strik-
ing a "A cure an ever. He is a full bloodec
Indian. and may be considered In sense
the suot essor Of the famous Red Jacket
He now wears side whiskers and goatee.
the lata n coming to a sharp point and
cared fta. with that attention character"
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
THE CONFEDERATE VETERANS
Those Who Sleep I'm Chicago Cemec
terry to BE HonOred.

There Is in Chicago an association that
Is not perhaps widely known to the people
at large. 1t is founded on the events OF
the war of more than a quarter OF GEN.
fury ago, and its membership is made up
of participants in that great conflict.
There is good reason for the slight knowl-
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09
More Treasure Hunting.

A search il being made in the courtyaro
If n former convent in the City OF Mexico
for 60 O0O, 900 in coin believed TO have been
buried by BINDS.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1892-10-09

4, Il Received with the Most Unqualified
Approval. and the Efforts of the Oppo-
sition Fail To Mako Any Great impress
sion-The Canvass Is Opened.
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1892-09-29
ONE DOLLAR WEEKLY

BUYS good Gold Watch by our
Club system. Our 14Skarat COLDS
filed cases are warranted For ~
wears. Fine Elgin or Wsltham
movement. Stem wind and set.
Lady's or Gents size. Equal to
any $50 watch. To secnre agents
where we have none. we sell one OF
the Hunting Case Watches for the
Club price S2S and send u .. d.
by express with privilege of exam
inatlon before paying for same
Our agent at Durham, N. u
writes:
"Our jewelers. have confessed
they don't know how you can turn
ish such work for The money
Our agent at Pennington, Tex,
writes:
Am in receipt Of the watcn,
and ain plessed without measure.
An who have seen it say 1t wouiu
be cheap 81; $40"
One good reliable Agent wanteu
for each place. Write for part'cns
lars. EMPIRE WATCH Co.,
3O-1y. New York.
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1892-09-29

Meridian where Charley is they
will be.
BY midnight We were home ward
bound, aud from Ellisville 10 this
point again had the pleasure of
Col. Stockdales company.
This lutte excursion did not
prove rest from labor, but it was
nevertheless exceedingly enjoy
able, and also convinced us from
actual observation thai the third
party is dead duck" it this state.