The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1892-05-24

| OF premium TO those who now nave
money, and by that means ascertain
truthfully what amount each citizen
| has Then it should announce that it
had made slight error as to the mean
ing of the law, and turn right around
with what silver it has and what it can
coin by means of a new brick and tile
machine which will make money as fast
as big factory can make carpet tacks,
and even up the whole thing so that al
mankind may start in square again.
Mr.. O'Hoolihan favors also the ap-
| portionment of brains in the same way
| if possible, otherwise the able men would
fool the other folks out of their money
again in week, and all this apportion-
ment would have to be gone through
with again. He does not know yet very
fully how he will even up the gray mat
| ter business. but he thinks it can be done.
He claims that when surgeons are able
to open the skull of a foolish person that
has failed to grow, thus giving room to
the brain so that the idiotic, by having a
gore or gusset put into skull, have
been able to almost think inside of a
week, whereas they formerly did not
know enough to ache when they got
hurt, he thinks the day is not far distant
when the man who knows too much may
be made to ''whack up" as it were, with
the mental pauper. Proper officials will
go around with brain tester for people
to think against, and by means of a
graduated scale. the official can tell
whether a man knows more or less than
the law allows.
In this way the smart Aleck who knows
it all, and who tells his parents how to
grow up to be good men and women,
will be compelled to fork over some of
his ability to the poor fellow who has
failed as sand FOUNDER.
Mr. O'Hoolihan favors more rigid mar
riage laws, especially requiring those
who marry to refrain from shooting each
other within the first year, and also re-
straining them from publishing their
divorce proceedings, so that children are
liable to get hold of them. He believes
in having suitable places, with sanitary
plumbing connected with them, where
pCOp4O AILdg 81 W Ii1Ci1 NIfOlSO bIAoi-
ness and soiled linen attended to.
Asked his opinion regarding English
humor as compared with Irish and
American humor, he said:
1.-THE English humor of today is of
restful character and used mostly as a
means of relaxation. In the days of
Thackeray and Dickens Englishmen
seemed to enjoy mirth provoking
humor of the American order, it seems
to me, but now it runs largely to puns
and petty larceny. 1t is sadder humor
than ours, good style to adopt during
Lent. English humor with sulphur and
treacle can do no harm, think
"An Englishman came over on Gu
harder the other day, and the passengers
put the customs officers ON to him be-
cause he seemed to have swollen up so
rapidly the day before reaching New
York. But how do you suppose he got
out of it? He told the officers that the
day before he landed the passengers got
him to talking on the tariff, and before
he had an idea what he was doing he had
enlarged upon it,
HE turned out to be the song and
dance editor on the staff of Punch, who
was coming over to America for his
health, also for the purpose of organic
ing a school of what is called White
chapel humor, which is quite popular in
England now"
The Cincinnati geological works pos
sesses the tallest and handsomest giraffe
grandifora that there is in America. so /
am told. Itcan easily eat out of third
story window, and belongs to Rescue
Hook and Ladder company, No. 3, of
Cincinnati.
The elephant was feeling very poorly
when | saw him. His skin looked dry
and feverish. When he walked his over
ais ratified together like tin clothes
fastened together with wire.