Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-09-22
HUMOR OF THE WEEK.
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable
Phases OF Human Nature Graphically
Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists OF
Our Own Day.
ScissOred Smiles.

Scissored Smiles.
A FLY is best off when he lights Oh
a sticky paper. -Glens Falls Repub-
lican.
DOES your new dress fit you we'll.
Clara?" "Oh, splcndidly! | eau
hardly move or breath in it"-New
York Press
SHE-I can sympathize with you.
I was married once myself. Hc-But
you weren't married to woman. -
Brooklyn Life
MRS. ENpIK-M Marriage is only a
lottery anyhow. Mr.. Enpik-1aedly.
A man does get prize sometimes in
a lottery. -Detroit Free Press.
BUNKER-How much did your visit
to Cincinnati cost you? Hill
visited a friend, and | can't tell yet
until he comes on to visit me. Puck.
ARE you in favor of monopoly?"
asked the stranger. YES" replied
the young man, "where your best girl
is concerned | am" New York
Herald.
"D0Es man have to be Christian
to get through college nowadays"
Not at all, but he must be mus
Gle man, without doubt. Boston
Courier.
CoBwIGGER-"Bro doesn't talk
any more about the big fish he brings
home" Merritt--"His wife has
bought a pair of kitchen scales. .
New York Sun.
LovELL-This marrying a rich wife
is of no use. Markham-Why not?
Lovell-Because even after she's fast
asleep you can't find her pocket
New York Herald.
Mrs. JAsON-Jehie], what is an
agnostic? Mr.. Jason-W'y, it is a
Teller that don't believe in neither
doctors nor preachers as long as he is
in good health. indianapolis Jour
nal.
Mr.. Where on earth is
my new silk hat? I've looked every
where for it. His Bride (sweetly)-
You said you wanted it ironed, dear,
50 | sent it out to the laundry
Truth.
"THE great problem about matri-
mony," said the Benedict of recent
date, lis finding satisfactory place
to live. Marriage is not only lot
tery-it is house-and-lottery.
Washington Star.
DON'T you think Mr.. Twiddles is
very absent-minded?" said young
woman. NO." replied Miss Pepper
, ton. He displays admirable caution.
What little he has he always brings
with him. Washington Star.
He had struck match on his boot
! heel, and his wife remarked: you
are as spry as a cat, aren't you?" "DO
you think SOP" he returned in
pleased tone. Yes. You light on
your feet, you know Washington
Star
SHE-"Wcll, if / can't live on my
income, and you can't live on yours,
where would be the advantage in our
marrying?" He (thoughtfully) =
well, by putting our incomes to-
gether one of us would be able to live,
| at an rate. Life.
GERT1E-Papa, will our new mann
ma 60 mad after awhile? Father
What question. Why do you ask
! such thing? Gertie-Wcll, l heard
her tell the cook yesterday that she
got badly bitten when she married
you.-Kate Fields Washington.
JUDGE Ito prisoner)-You are
charged with having seriously in
| jured your wife by inclosing her in Il
folding bed What have you to say
| for yourself? Prisoner-YOur Honor.
/ wished to see if it was possible to-
shut her up.-Detroit Free Press.
MoTHER-I see the iceman has,
brought great lump this time. Did
you tell him said that if he didn't
stop giving short weight I'd have
him arrested? Little Dick-No'm;
| I told him you said he was the hand
| soonest iceman that ever came here
/ Good News.
! Mrs. FRIENDLY-"What did your
husband say to you TO make you feel
! so bad?" Mrs. NcwlyWed-"I told
/ him that he hadn't been to church
since we were married, and he--boo-
! hoo-said, NO wonder -a-burnt.
| child breads the re'-boo- hoo. -
Texas Siftings.
WOMAN is a noble word it is much
better than "lady." Walter Scott
knew better than TO write, ooh, lady
in our hours of ease" etc, and you.
couldn't hire Byron to revise cele-
/ brated passage to read, "Gentleman's
love is of gentlenans life thing
apart: tits lady's whole existence. p"
Boston Transcript.
HoULIHAN lin the menagerie)-
Saint Pathrick presarve us. AM
what may tnot thing be- The Keep
er-An iguana; Central America.
Houlihan Gelieved)- frind, Or
knocked off whisky for seein' betten
lookin' things than him, an nov OF
thought thot IerhanS Old hoy TO BE.