Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-12-18

his fare when we ride together on the ele
waited road. 1 am going to give him
bushel of tickets. OF course do not ex
pect him TO deposit any of them in the box
but think it will give him pleasure t.
have his pockets full of them when steI
up to the window to buy for him and fol
myself He gets great deal of fun as it is
by following me up the stairs crying, "Let
me get 'em; I've got dime right handyY
He couldn't be forced up ahead of me by
an hydraulic press. He likes to see me
change bill at the window and receive the
handful Of strange bogus which the ticket
seller always gives, especially if he has
previously had the pleasure of rejecting my
last dime on the ground that it has been
bitten by mosquito. Then 1 hold out nv
hand and take Mulberry Bend nickels and
fattened bullets and Chinese farthings at a
pint and a half to the cent, and fan tan chips
and wampum till my pockets bulge out
with the worthless stuff
All this the fellow who never paws his
| fare enjoys to q certain extent, but want
him to get even more fun out OF it, so I
shall give him the tickets 1 would like
also to do something for the ticket-sellers,
and am thinking of giving each of them
quart of brass suspender buttons, which can
be readily passed as S. gold pieces by men
who have had as much practice as they
have. ... .-
The Man Who Keeps You From Work.
I shall remember the man who drops in
to tell me stories while 1 am at work
There will be new chair in my Office for
him after Christmas day. It will be stuffed
with elder down and upholstered with
sticky fly paper, SO that he cannot be led
away by generous impulse. 1 am very
hard worker; it is not so hard, think, for
anybody else in this world to work. When
am engaged in tinishing something which
really must be done two or three DAYS be-
fore-but, of course can't, and the old
boy will be to paw about it-then nv legs
coil sinuously around those of the chair; my
tongue hangs out, and buttons fall off my
vest.
1 used to think that nothing could stop
me at such times-nos even the principles
of English grammar. But I had never
known McGarragan and his stories in those
davs He is due here now in five minutes,
and at least 1 must finish what ], have to
say about him before he arrives, otherwise
I might be led to speak of him unkindly.
He doesn't like my office chairs, poor fell
low. He shall certainly have a new one at
Christmas
Making the Typewriter Happy.
shall buy 313 umbrellas for nv type
writerSirl. Probably it will not rain on
more days than that during the coming
year. So she will have an umbrella to take
out to lunch whenever she leaves hers at
home. with the wind east, the sky overcast
and the weather bulletins explicit for a
clear day. 1 shall not tellSher that the
umbrellas are hers; she will enjoy them
more deeply if she thinks they are mine. L
will have one ready every day, and 1 will
request her to bring it back within Is
minutes. She will, of course, leave it in
the restaurant, or lend it to the young man
who waits tor her in the shelter of our ,
doorway on rainy days. she shall not
know how many more umbrellas have, for
that would put q damper on her innocent
mirth No, she shall have Just as much
fun as in the past, when had only nv
wife's umbrella (and forgiving spirit) to
depend upon.
There is a man who lunches with me al !
most eYerv day, upon whom would like to
bestow some token Of my regard. His front |
name is Billy and, judging by the way he
eats, should say his last name ought to be |
Goat, but he travels under an alias. On al |
ternate days I pay for the lunch. That |
seems no more than fair. On the other day |
he matches quarters with me to see who |
shall pay, and he sticks" me with a regu-
larity which hesitate to aseribe to chance.
A Gift for the Matching Fiend.
1 hardly know what to give this friend.
It would seem as If so thrifty man could |
require nothing. If there is anything he
wants, why doesn't he go and match quar-
ters for it,? 1 might give him an invitation
to lunch with somebody else, but that
would not express my real feelings toward
hi i'm He 10 ON anfnrfainip1 falloIv H.. |
abstains from paying for things on principle
and not from meanness. Why should any, 7
body pay for anything when there are ''soft
marks" like me born every minute? will
rive him bottle of old DIR. Manhattan's
Appetizer will get him
quarter with two heads on it, and dated odd
IN one side and even on the other He fills
lis place in the economy Of nature. Yes,
t Is certainly in the economy department
hat his place is found.
1 would remember all such fellows as
Billy. They are the men who can be made
iappy by q present They can appreciate
he advantages of acquiring property in that
ray. Nature furnished them with this ap-
recitation, and if we have anything left
fter they get through, we should give them
part OF, it. Why Should we give to THE
enerous man-to the giver? Do we dend .
ur watches to the blacksmith? Certainly
ot; we send them to the pawnbroker. He
.nows what to do with them; he has pToba- [
ly had them before Let Us, in like man. j
er, bestow our Christmas gifts upon the
erson who knows how to take, who is an {
xpert at it, who takes everything in sight
his will be good exercise. in generoSity, |
nd after you have done it once or twice, !
be really deserving may stand q chance OF
citing something out of you.
HOWARD FIELprS0