Grand Rapids herald. [volume] (Grand Rapids, Mich.) 1892-1959, 1892-01-03


lcan almost imagine rs write these
lines. resting my tablet against the slum-
bering suhbosom of fat man with mas
sive rosewood legs. and. as | ever and
anon get UP to ha brushed OF BY the
porter and then settle back again to my
writing. say can almost imagine
Joseph coming down here from his own
home as slave. pursued by bloodhounds
possibly. and becoming private secretary
to Governor Fifer inayhap.
Anon | see him try to weaa a Young
Egyptian steer calf by putting his finger
in the Calls mouth and holding his head
(the calls head) in rai! of warm milk.
Anon see Joseph's feet fly out from
under him as he fits across the horizon
with gallon Of the milk of unkindness
down the back OF his neck. Such is hfe
in Egypt under the Pharaohan regime.
| wrote to the Helping Hand bureau
Of Chicago several weeks ago. using. by
permission. the name Of our agent, and
asking for sermon. The Helping Hand
bureau supplies sermons at a dollar a
pair to clergyman who are suddenly
overtasen with that tired feeling. Much
has beer said in Chicago within the past
regarding this bureau. and of course it
has been hoped upon By all right minded
.ciergymen-
wrote for q sermon of the purriny
and somnolent variety. and got one for
fifty cents which astonished me to death
almost by reason of its accuracy in fill
ing the bill and meeting the demands of
my letter. The sermon was addressed
to our agent, en- route. having attached
the reverend to his name and borrowing
his address for fear that the shrewd bat
goddess bureau on Dearborn street might
suspect q job.
May Introduce u paragraph from this
sermon which the bureau prepares while
you wait? Let me inst give you few
lines. You cannot be wholly bad after
you have done. II you are like me,
after you have done hot tears will be
playing tag down your massive cheeks
and falling with a silvery PUNK on tho
costly prayer rug. You may think that
tho words are mine, the word painting is
so good and SO lofty, but assure you,
gentle and glorified reader. they are not.
This is the method of dividing up the
subject:
Affections may be:
|. Cumulative. "a. How cumulative.
n D;.;n,;narr a. How disciplinary.
" i"'"'' b. Why disciplinary.
III Correctivo a. How corrective.
III So''~''o' b. Why corrective.
~ .,.,..s a. How tentative.
~ Aenta'''e' b. Why tentative.
Etc. Etc. Etc"
At Saunders. n G.. the other day we
found new thing in the way Of eating
houses Saunders y station where two
rival roads meet and shake their fists at
each other. II one road has train ar
irving in the morning. the other road
has a train that arrives late in the even
ing to connect with it, This gives the
traveller an opportunity to view the town
of Saunders. which Is composed largely
OF climate.
A thrifty gentleman. realizing the
needs Of this active little town. has estab-
iished an eating works. The distinguish
ing characteristic Of this place consists
of a largo circular table. tho outer rim
Of which il stationary: the inner table,
or center, containing the eatables. mus
tard pot, e;nbalmed cockroaches and pie,
revolvcs upon its axeltrec. so that while
your plate remains where it WAS origi-
nally put. the principal articles of indi-
gestion may be obtained by taking hold
Of the revolving table aud swinging 1t
around tn you get what you are after.
This works very well so long as there
ia friendly feeling among the guests.
but the other evening there was a gen
eral soreness on the part Of these who
gathered around this festive bard,
sort OF strained and hitter feeling. grow
ing no doubt out OF the unfriend'y reia-
tious between the two roads and theis
uafortnrsa.s connections. 80 that while
one guaes on the lee side Of tire table
wanted something cot Of the caster.
which visa on The starbo0rd. and started
the fe@tivs hoard to reyoive ~ . rapid
rate. another gentleman On the ie- quar-
Ter dscSxea that he also would Ike to
opea bottle "a vinegar. so that jnst ~
fAe easter got 20 me first named gantle-
nan no table wss given another ~hsrl
ard lie ats WA s4lled wish vietnais, gravy
ani slooes-
iisnoss h cns ~ The riohsrf r~rtcns.
ssfseulturaily. that was ever ~ II il
almost eae unsreksn garden. with hsve
and these . bsrfea sir~ fence. npor
uAica . sysas old cob a hspasns by the
thg2s C.0a gfawa h<fe IA graf ssaSu.
saas~. sna h tlr Nighttime tho ps~risn
sEa ssabssa - tfsao ls.sd = hesxs. ssa@
frssssl sffes ease ssssacw. Teaches ~
Al Ill Fl 49, hz.xn 20 dia