The Newberry herald and news. (Newberry, S.C.) 1884-1903, 1892-09-21
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1892
AGONY COLU UNS.

AGONY COLUMN.
! Chapter rwo-"SorsheaI" Suddenly Drops
into Poetry-The Third Chapter
Will Follow Next Week.
Drayt. Smith says that ''the way to
make good farmer out of q fellow is
to let him get beaten two or three
times for an office" We are not dis
posed to dispute anything that comes
from him, as his expressions are the
result OF mature deliberations, based
on actual eXperichce. II il were not
! Juct (?) that We are suffering from
reproductions" I would seriously
consider a proposition looking to the
formation Of partnership. WHAT'S
the matter with our qualifications?
wish that some people would tend
| to their own business and leave the
training OF Il fellows children alone.
There is no fun i'll hearing the chaps
| singing:
| Our papa WAS candidate,
| Aud roamed the country DER;
He hustl-d lively soon and late
Until it made him sore.
He spent his quarters all for hash,
| His nick'es G)r cigars:
He thought that he haG made mash
| AS numerous as the stars.
And often, oh! how strangely eft -
1t mak.5 our memory hurt:
| i,.> a.; , h. .l-
| home
TO get his t'other shirt.
And poor old "Soapsuds ds''-faithful
horse
Look. 1 dthinner every time,
And mama oft was heard 10 say
She'd sell him for dime.
And pap.'d talk bout friends and
votes,
And being "iyl the scoapn
A slight mistake, for he was left
Quite muchly in tie Scvp."
But now he's got back home again,
Home rom foreign Shore"
Aud jud giug from his looks we fear
lie neer will smile some more.
l would not have published the
above but for the TACT that | don't like
TO monopol:Ze all Of the good things Of
life at Tie expense Of equally deserving
brothers.
With the Democratic, Republican,
Prohibition and Peoples Party all IN
the field, how are some Of US to man
age?-whose legs are too short to strad-
die more than one feuce at time.
Oh! for a thousand legs to stride
Each builded. fence with ease,
And shoulders broad 'pon which to
The waters of the seas.
A thousand tongues to pledge our faith
And shears to trim our sails;
A thousand hands with which to grasp
Each party's old coat tails.
Some unbeliever in future rewards
aud punishmept9 has charged me with
having Intentionally omitted mention
of the Legislative ticket in this column.
| beg to assure them that such is not
the case, and just so soon as ] have
proof positive, backed by ocular de-
monstration, that they have gotten
back from the cypress swamps of Cla-
rendon, paid their So poll tax, passed
aminaiion-before a competent Trial
Justicc-as to educational quali6ca-
tion, and prove that they are able to
borrow $3.50 for assessment purposes, l
shall proceed to weigh th.m in the
balances" ard find if they are want
ing" anyth ng mere in the line OF ca
cathnstdnt, III evidence to prove that the
difference between taking the bull
6y the horns" and taking him ~ the
taip' is simply the difference between
pluck and progress. gSSNotice. Par
ties desiring to 60 to Columbia should
board the train. Those monkeying
with the cow:catcher will be furnished
free of charge-tickets over the Great
Northern Narrow Guage Airline or
the Southern Broad Guage Serpentine
systems which connect with US at
every crosstie. We assume no respon-
sibility after parties have been checked
as IF. O. b." but prophesy g. O. D.
transaction at either terminus.
Boys, don't fall out with your mer-
chant be"ause be voted ("he and his
household") for the other fellow. Il
might have been his only chance to
get what the other fellow owed him.
1t may have been simply matter of
| that business which goes before pless-
ure.,
That "didn't- -blamed-thirg 9
-was-loaded" look some Of the editors
Of the erstwhile opposition press are
hanging out over their shirt collars is
pathetic in the extreme and reaches
by the most direct route the soft spot
in our anatomy.
How does Judge Mower sound to
you bob. tail rooster boys? We poor
benighted TiIlmanitcs have ACQUIRED
that amount of respect for ~. S."
which causes rs to- look upon him as
one of the blooming possibilities Of the
particularly near future. Scrupulously
honest; versed in the law; freighted
with an amount of the milk of human
kindness" that bids defiance to the
combined strength of flax thread and
guttapercha, and, to cap the climax, a
temperate, Christian gentleman. What
more is wanted?
Talk about divorcing Church and
State, when some cf the boys-just as
soon as politics goes back on them
adopt the concurrent idea suggested by
the Psalmist and flee unto the noun
tains for refuge"
The latest official bulletin under the
head of 'sick and in distress" develops
an alarming state of affairs among the
; G. NJ. G. I would respectfully suomit
that stringent sanitary and quarantine
regulations be employed, at once, to
preserve from contagion, the second
primary contingent who will land on
Thursday, the 18th prox., at 4 p. m.
sharp.
l designate Deputy Commanders