davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
ALLEGED HUMOR.

BRowN-'I say. Jones, did you hear
about Smith having a ftp" Jones-"No.
A fit? He must have changed his
tailor theni"-Kate Fields Washing
ton.
WooL-"Joblots has more luck than
any man l ever knew" Van Pelt-"How
then do you account for his condition."
Wool-"It is chiefly bad."-New York
Herald.
EDIToR-"There are not enough feet
in this line, sir" Poet-"Feet, SIR
feet! don't sell it by the foot. It's a
poem, not a cord of wood."-Golden
Days.
FIRST Young Woman "Mabel is
writing for a magazine" Second
Young Woman Jealous -'Well, if she
incloses the subscription price ! have
no doubt she will get it."-Washington
Star.
Miss SLIMDIEr Here's an adyer-
tisement of a literary man who wants
board. Does he say he's a literary
mar to show he's q person of refine
ment and culture?" Mrs. Slimdiet-
mo, it's to show that he can't pay
much."-N. Y. Weekly.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
DISTINGUISHED FOREIGNERS.

GEORGE MEREDITH has been made a
LII. D. by the University of st. An
drew.
TIE Empress Eugene paid one thou
sand francs two hundred dollars) per
ounce for a braid of hair that exactly
matched her own.
PRINCE BISMARCK carries a stick when
he walks, but not as a means of sup
port. He carries it across his back be-
tween his shoulders, and its only use,
if it has any at all, is to keep him erect.
SIR ROBERT s. BALLS appointment to
the vacant profcssorship of astronomy
at Cambridge was a surprise to most
Britons. 1t was confidently expected
that the honor would fall to DR..
Glaisher, of Trinity college.
THE marquis of Lorne is q happy
man. He is computed by the industri-
Gus to have written more poetry than
Lord Tcnnyson, and now he has been
made governor and constable of Wind
sor castle at a salary of twelve hundred
pounds sterling n year.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
LITERARY LIGHTS.

lola is dramatizing la Bette HUI.
maine"
Mrs. HUMPHREY WARD, a trustworthy
London source says, has already re-
ceived eighteen thousand pounds from
the sale of her latest work, David
Grieve."
THE last lineal descendant Of Daniel
Defoe, the author of Robinson Crusoe,"
lives at Bishops Stortford, and is in re-
ceipt of outdoor relief from the Chelms-
ford union.
WHEN Lord Tennyson is asked to read
he almost invariably selects the lode
on the Death of the Duke of Yelling
ton," and after that Maud" He has
become a great novel reader.
A BRITISH consul in China, DR.. James
Scott, who has written the first Corean
grammar, declares that the Corean
language is even more difficult than the
Chinese. He estimates its age at four
thousand years.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
iAS on the first OF
April that my Ia
Gy came 10 earth,
all the April
fays AMI spri:es

With pink of fragrant apple blossoms they
tinted check and chin,
And hue OF purple violets her eyes they pris-
oned in,
And yellow OF the crocus brought to shine
among her curis,
And sammy smiles they gave to her, and tears
like purest pearls.
Nor did they wit withhold, oh! no, few girls are
bright as She
But Ill confess that she has made an April
fool of me.
II she command me stay, l stay; II go /, straight
way 60;
II she decree that night is day, 1 swear that it
is So
Frowns she, my hart sinks in my breast;
smiles she, I fain woull dance,
And whether skies be fair or dark depends upon
her glance-
And though she my neglect me quite, SOM
other swain 10 bless
With her delightsome company, in feigned I'M
consciousness
or my discontinue, small blame finds her per
versity,
For III confess that she has made an April fool
of me.
But fits rarely-I rebel, and vow no more I'll
bear
These April moods this April maid 80 oft secs
fit TO wear,
Scarce is my farewell spoken, when a penitent
appears,
The silseI fringe that wells her eyes all gemmed
with April tears,
And thcn-and then-(what lover, pray, relent-
less could remainO
I knecl for pardon, and take up the cap and
bells again,
Content, il near her I may live, whate'er she
wills to be.
For I'll confess that she has made an April fool
OF me.
Margaret Eytinge, in Detroit Free Press.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
WELL SAID.

THE real estate miser is O ground
hog.-Golden Days.
THE lazy man aims at nothing, and
generally hits it.-Hickory Leaves.
AN optimist is a man who believes
that all eggs will hatch.
A PEssIMIsr is q man who believes
that all the ckestnuts have worms in
them.
THE funny man who has exhausted
his stock Of jokes may be said to be out
of humor.-Brooklyn Eagle.
IT is the business of the newspaper
editor to make a long story short
Binghamton Republican.
SAY what you will about a million
aire, his reputation is secure. 1t is
built OF ''rocks."-Yonkers Statesman.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

torture, until he was forced to turn
and fly back to the hotel.
Then they kept it up outside until
the landlord himself got tired and
threatened to scald them if they did
not go away.
Next day the boys were not surprised
to hear hat Bascomb had left town
without bidding anyone good-by, and
for a whole week the boys didn't get
over laughing at the Yankee who was
too smart: and it was unanimously
as well as a philosopher.
Not one of the boys ever expected to
see BascOmb again, and consequently
they stared as if they had encountered
a ghost, when, precisely three weeks
afterward they saw the lanky gentle
man walking along the main street,
hands in pockets as usual. He was
strangers, and the boys were surprised
to see the trio strike for Fox's hill.
Next day two more strangers anne
to town, and they went to Fox's hill;
and the next day the whole pack went
away.
The following week Bascomb came
back with carpenters and builders and
a carload of machinery, and the boys
began to think they were dreaming.
The statesmen at Glazer's store
woke up about this time, and began to
neglect the affairs of the nation in
watching Bascomb and his men.
Jim Macarthur had not very long to
wait to find out the why and wherefore
of these mysterious movements. His
father sen for him. and said:
$50 you are the boy who fooled Bas-
comb, are you? l just heard to-day
that you were the one who conceived
that great April fool joke. You ought
to be proud of its success"
"Why?" stammered Jim.
Because" explained his father, with
a grim smile, you put the fellow on
to the biggest vein of copper that has
ever been found in this region. 1t is
fifteen inches thick, if it's one!"
What" cried Jim, in amazement
HE never said a word-he never told
Il thought"
''Of course. of course" said Jim's
father. HE let you fool boys think
you had fooled him. and be just slipped
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

know that there is one on his own
coat"
The deuce there isl cried Mart,
feeling behind him, with a very red
face.
Il dare say" continued Jim, the
philosopher. declining to join in the
general smoker at Mart's expense,
that there is something hanging or
sticking 10 me at this present moment,
but / don't care enough to look for it"
"oh, ho," cried Lew Anderson, the
fourth of the group of idle boys who
were stand ing this first day of April on
the main street of Bosco, a small town
in the Michigan peninsula, what is
King Jim's idea of a joke, for instance?
Shall we blow up n barn with dyna-
mite, or throw n couple of children in
the lake? l would suggest that we set
fire to the lake as a starter"
There was a general roar of merri-
ment ove this sally, but Jim was not
abashed. He was king, indeed. among
the Bosco boys, by virtue of superior
strength, wit and intelligence, and he
knew that no seriou, revolt against his
rule was contemplated.
POOH" he said, with a smile. You
don't grasp my idea. think we -four
boys ought 10 distinguish ourselves by
doing something out of the common
run-something we can talk about next
year with pride"
Il catch on" said Mart, with more
force than elegance. Suppose we
send somebody up to Wandel, forty
miles, for DR.. Bixby to mend a broken
leg, and when he comes, give him the
leg of a chair"
Very WELL" said Jim, dryly. "Dr.
Bixby is a violent man, and was a
boxer in his younger days. You 60"
Mart very naturally demurred, and
the others were trying to tn nix
something else, Jim said. suddenly:
1--WE are in big luck. Here's our
chance"
whats the matter?" queried the
boys, in whispered chorus.
Keep quiet, and you'll see directly.
Tom, give me that specimen from
Hunters mine. Quickl"
Tom passed ove a specimen of cop
per ore almost as large as his fist and
fully eighty per cent fine, and, as Jim
;ook it in his hand, a long. lank and
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
August
Flower"

have been troubled with dyspep-
sia, but after a fair trial of August
Flower, am freed from the vexaious
trouble. B. Young, Daughters
College, Harrodsburg, KY. 1 had
headache one year steady. One bottle
of August Flower cured me. 1t was
positively worth one hundred dollars
to me-. w. Smith, Pm. and Gen.
Merchant, Townsend, Ont. 1 have
used it myself for constipation and
dyspepsia and it cured me, 1t is the
best seller l ever handled-C. Rugh,
Druggist, Mechanicsburg, Pa. o
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

down to Detroit, bought the whole hnl
for a song, formed q company. and
now he can sell out his share for .
hundred thousand tomorrow. But he
won't; he'll hold on, and he'll be Q
millionaire in five years"
Then Jim went out. called the boys
together in caucus, and they then and
there resolved that they had played
the most expensive April fool Joke On
record.-Victor Valentine, in Golden
Days
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
RELIGIOUS r

THERE are $3.50 Dunkards in Iowa.
THERE are to-day 1a,947 Jesuits. In
the United States there are 564 in
Maryland, 403 in Missouri and 1876 in
New Orleans.
THERE are about co. $50 Sunday-schools
in the United States, s,Ois, 462 scholars
and l,lOS, 2G5 teachers
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
On the Billow or the Rail,

Hostetter's Stomach Bitters are a most de-
sirable~ companion for he traveller. They
are an excellent remedy for the nausea and
fatigue which many persons suffer who
travel by water or land. Visitors to malar-
ious localities should have 1t with them as
n safeguard. Incompatible for biliousness,
dyspepsia and bowel complaint, and as a
means of checking Ia grippe and rheumatic
twinges.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

Our city ladies, living in the ordi-
nary circumstances enjoy more per-
sonal comforts than the aristocrats of
the Old World can boast-even the fore
most of them. In Berlin. for example,
the only method Of lighting the royal
palace until recently(the present Kaiser
having just introduced gas and electric
lights) has been candles Steam and
furnace heat. bath rooms, and hot and
cold water pipes are unknown luxuriea
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

Lofty elevation Of mind does not
make one Indifferent to the wants and
sufferings Of those who are below him;
on the contrary, as the rarefed air of
mountains makes distant objects seem
nearer. SO are ali his fellow-beings
brought nearer to the heart of Him
who looks upon them from the height
of His wisdom.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

back, that these jokes are senseless-
But they are funny" said Mart
Harper, slyly pinniEg a strip of yellow
calico TO Tommy Bowers coat-tails.
Il doubt it." replied Jim, stoutly.
Il can't scare mp the least bit of a
smile when Squire Burgess looks up
and down the street in response to our
'IIelloT and for the life of me can't
see what there is funny, in ringing
door bells or tying dead cats to garden
gates, 1t is simply annoying to the
other people, and the mischief of it is
than any n of us could be victimized
the same way by the biggest idiot in
town. For instance, Mart has just
pinned a rag on Toms coat, and doesn't
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

The worst cases yield to the
mild, soothing, cleansing and heal
ing properties of DIR. Sage's Catarri
Remedy. That's why the proprie,
tors Can, and do, promise to pay
$500 for a case of Catarrh in the
Head which they cannot cure.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

No2 not even through cars to Denver,
Ogden. Salt Lake City, San Francisco and
Portland. This is simply written to remind
you that the Union Pacific is the Pioneer in
running through cars to the above men
TONED points, and that the present through
car arrangement is ~hnexcelled. We also
make THE time. For details address any
agent of the company, call on your nearest
ticket agent, or write to E. l.. LOMAX,
G. p. & 1. A. u. p. System, Omaha, Neb.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

If 1t be true that the man who is his own
lawyer has a fool for n client. then there are
cases where 1t is notexpedient TO keep ones
own counsel-BostOn Transcript
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
The Only One Ever Printed-Can You Find
the Wordc

the WORDS
There Is a 8 inch display advertisement
in this paper, this week, which has no two
words alike except one word. The same is
true OF each new one appearing each week.
from The DIR. Harter Medicine Co. This
house Ilaces q Crescent On everything
they make and publish. Look for it, send
hem The name of the word and they will
return you book, beautiful Autographs or
samples free.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

WHEN you borrow money you borrow
trouble, but at the same time you sometimes
increase the trouble of the fellow who ENDS
it to you.-SomerviIle Journal.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26
The seed is pldnted

SEGA IS Ptdnte6
when you feel "run- down" and
"used- up" Malarial, typhoid or
bilious fevers spring from it-all
sorts of diseases. Don't take anv
risk. DR.. Pierce's Golden Medical
Discovery invigorates the system
and repels disease. 1t starts the
torpid liver into healthful action,
purifes and enriches the blood, and
restores health and vigor. As an
appetizing, restorative tonic, it sets
at work all the processes of diges-
ton and nutrition, and builds up
flesh and strength. For all diseases
that come from a d~isordered liver
and impure blood, skin, scalp and
scrofulous affections, it's the only
remedy that's guaranteed. If it
doesn't benefit or cure in every
case, you have your money back.
You pay only for the good you
get.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

Both the method and results when
Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant
and refreshing to the taste, and acts
gently yet promptly on the Kidneys,
Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys-
tenn e~fectually, dispels colds, head
aches and fevers and cures habitual
constipation. Syrup of Figs is the
only remedy of its kind ever pro-
duced, pleasing to the taste and &C.
ceptable to the stomach, prompt in
its action and truly beneficial in its
effects, prepared only from the most
healthy and agreeable substances, its
many excellent qualities commend il
to all and have made it the most
popular remedy known.
Syrup of Figs is for sale in 500
and 81 bottles by all leading drug
gists. Any reliable druggist who
may not have it on hand will pro
cure it promptly for any one who
wishes to try it. Do not accept any
substitute.
CALIFORNIA re SYRUP co
SAN FRANCISCO, CAL.
LOUISVILLE. KY. REV Y0Rk. M
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

A CONTEMPORARIES headline, "Corn is
Safe" should be qualified by the important
addition, except in a liquid form"
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

WHISKY fires the blood. The A. B. C.
Bohemian Bottled Beer Of St Louis cools
it and makes meat Try it
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

The Garrett Fence Machine, manufac-
tured by s.. II Garrett, Mansfield, o., is in
successful operation in every State and
Terr itory in The United States No farmer
should be without one Of these machines as
the fence built by it is one of the best and
cheapest fences that can be built Write
10 the above address for wholesale price OF
fencing material direct from the factory to
the farmer. Be sure TO name this paper.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

IT EVER makes children better to tell
them q dozen times a day that they are too
mean for anyIIse.-Ram's Horn.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

THE pleasant coating Of Beecham's Pills
completely DISCUSSES the taste without i'm.
pairing their efficiency. 25 cents q box.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

Is no small amount of time TO save on a
journey, and YOU can get to Portland, Ore.
gon, by The Union Pacific that much in adj
vance Of Any other line.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

HALE's Honey of Horehound ard Tar re-
ieves whooping cough.
Pixies Toothache Drops Cure In one minute.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

NATURAL HISTORY. - Teacher - "Hans,
name three beasts of prey" Hans-"Two
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

II is always proper to call upon the su-
perintendent of streets to ''mend his ways"
Boston Commercial.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

OF the Throat from childhood, caused by
~diphtherla, and have used various remedies,
but have never found anything equal to
Browns BRONCHIAL TRoCHEs "-Rsp. G.. NJ.
F. Hampton, Pketon, Ey. Sold only In boxes.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

THE world never saw a larger crop than
the one which grew from the seed sown by
the Pilgrim Fathers, when they planted
their foot on American soil. Dansville
Breeze.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

Mr.. c. D. PAYNE, publisher OF the Union
Signal, Chicago, Ill, writes: l never saw
anything that would cure headache like
your Bradycrotine. All druggists. soc.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

A JOINT debate-Hagcling over the price
Of u slrloin roast-The Worcester Gazette.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

WHEN the funny man Is at his wits end
he wants a period. -Galvcston News.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

The readers Of this paper will be pleased
to learn that there is at least one dreaded
disease that science has been able TO cure
in all its stages, and that is Catarrh. Halls
Catarrh Cure is the only positive cure
known to the medical fraternity. Catarrh
being q constitutional disease, requires q
constitutional treatment. Halls Catarrh
Cure is taken internally, acting directly
upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the
system, thereby destroying the foundation
of the disease, and giving the patient
strength by bidding up tho constitution
and assisting nature in doing its work. The
proprietors have so much faith in its cura-
tive powers, that they offer One Hundred
Dollars for any case that it fails to cure.
Send for lis of testimonials.
Address, F. ]. CHENEY & Co. Toledo, U.
A Sold by Druggists, i5c
THE truth of the saying "To be fore
vrarDa1 fs IN ha foraornaIr offan rasOlyeS
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

IT is well to be kind to dumb animals, but
a man is rarely justified in borrowing
money to buy a dog.-Ol City Blizzard.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

THE truth of the saying T be fore
warned is to be forearmed" often resolves
itself into a question of speed-Columbus
Post
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1892-03-26

THERE is no more faithful friend than a
dog-Dallas News.
Grand Rapids herald. [volume] (Grand Rapids, Mich.) 1892-1959, 1892-08-13

Their pages overrun with oft-told
worning,, that 1t 10 the children who
receive insufficient nour,shment from
mothers milk, and who are then I'M
properly "hand -fed." who have caused
the sorrow that cannot be measured
by the cold figures Of mortality status
tics The advice to such mothers IS:
Don't take any chances with secret
preparations that are put upon the
market III the guise of infant foods.
Beware of the dangers Of stale milk,
and milk from sick cows.
The milk-can on your doorstep is
one OF the most fertile causes of sum-
mer illness. To state the case mildly,
1t is hard in August to procure good
milk.
If anything but breast milk must be
gwen the child, use lactated food.
Lactsted food is the most perfect
substitute there Is for mothers milk.
Like natures food, its basis is the
purest sugar of milk. When it is CON-
bined the nutritious elements of the
great cereals, wheat. barley and oats,
so prepared ~ to be readily uigested
and assimilated. The addition of the
salts found IN mothers milk makes it
a perfect substitute. With the increase
Of cholera infantum, there has come
from physicians and nurses an extraor-
binary demand .or it.
Experience has proven that pure
TODD and pure ar are the only panaceas
for the illness of infancy.
Thousands of mothers have found
that nothing but lactated food will
agree with their children. Mrs. August
Spuhler. so Mcrrimac street, HaverhIll.
Mass, writes:
1--WE have used iactated food for our
little girl, and 1t furnished her nourlsh-
ment when everything else failed.
send two photographs of her, one when
she was nine months old, the other
when thirteen months old. The latter
appears above. We began the use OF
the food when she was seven months
old, at time when she was very ILL.,.
She was quite backward IN cutting
teeth. Our family physician stated
that she received no nourlshment from
my milk and recommended lactated
food, which our friends also recon-
mended. am satisfied that TO it she
owes life and health"
Grand Rapids herald. [volume] (Grand Rapids, Mich.) 1892-1959, 1892-08-13
TEs rIrAn or cnAsMs.
A Nils Deep. IL Niles Wide. All
Miles Long. aud Painted Like
Flower.

The Grand Csnon 81 tie Colorado
river, in Afl1ons. 10 nov TOO the nfst
t.rDs easily seesssiels 90 tourists. A
regular STAGE lsne has been establishes.
from flagstaff, AriEeua, ON the Allan
tae & Pacific railroad. nsas lng The irp
from Flagstaff Ia the most imspssng
cart OF the exnon ia less than Twelve
houfs. The stage fare for The rouad
trip Is only ego. aud mesls and com
foItabie lodgings are provided through
Out the tip al roasonsble price. Tie
view of the Grand canon afforded
At the terminus Of the sage
route 10 the most stupeudous
panorama known IN nature. There
70 also trail at thi. point
leading down the Canon wall, NOR.
than q 900 feet vertically. 70 the river
fellow. The descent of the tfal 10 q
grapder experience than climbing the
Alps. for IN the bottom OF this terrific
aud sublime chssm are hundreds of
mountains greater than Ally Of the Al
pine range.
A book describing the trip 10 the
Grand Canon. illustrated by many full
page engtavings from special photo
graphs, aud furnishing all nsefful IN
formation, may be obtained tree upon
application TO John J. Byrne, No. 723
Monadnock block, Chicago, Ill.