The Caucasian. (Clinton, N.C.) 188?-1913, 1892-02-11


THE coLoSEf. pfssECTsn.
The colonel is fond O. dissectinr the
creeds of Christeniosn- lie. "a use his
own methods in dissecting this remarka,
bic creed. The moment you glance at il
you recognize that il is simply the creed
OF get all you can. sit down on it, hold
it and don't worry about it, Ii is the
creed Of get it all and take it easy.
Take up each thought and you find IL /,
built around the central idea ef self.
Let rs see.
The first characteristic Of this mans re
hgion is that he ''marries the girl that hs
loves" Exactly. But he expects to ge'
more good out Of her than she gets oat OF
him. He marries for his own benefit. moi
for the benefit Of others. never knew
man to marry girl because he felt hk<
he wanted TO do the girl good turn Hs
marries the girl be loves-of course ht
does. A man always gets the best end OF
that bargain.
The second principle Of this mans re
hgion is that he takes good care of her.
Certainly. But she takes better care OF
him. he ought to be hanged il he doesn't
take good care Of her.
The third characteristic Of this mans
religion Is that he ''pays his debts" A
man deserves no credit for paying his
debts. He certainly should not expect a
chrome for being honest IL he does not
pay his debts, he should land In the pcni-
tentiary sooner or later.
GET! GET! GET;
The fourth characteristic Of this mans
religion is that he s'gets all he can. I"
"Gets all the ideas and beautiful things
that his mind will hold" Turns himself
into general storehouse for fine arts,
wherein he gathers host Of statues and
paintings and has niche devoted to
music, "a magnificent dome, filled with
winged notes that rise tog glory" Winged
notes that rise to gloryi At first glance
we seem to find something here which
the colonel allows TO escape. On look
ing closer, however, we find that he does
not allow even his winged notes to es-
cape to glory, for they escape within q
dome. There is no hole in the dome. He
keeps even the notes. Get all you can
and hold it, is his idea
RoBs THE DEAD.
The fifth characteristic of this mans
religion is that he "gets all he can from
the great ones dead" That is, he is not
satisfied with what he has been able to
accumulate ON earth: he robs the dead,
still bent on getting.
The sixth characteristic Of this mans
religion is that he Swaps all the
thoughts he can with the ones that are
alive" That is, IL he must part with
anything he will not give, he will swap.
He robs the dead and swaps with the
living.
The seventh characteristic Of this
mans religion is that he is ''true to the
ideal in his brain;" which ideal is, get all
you can, give nothing: but if you have
to give, swap.
NUMBER ONE.
The eighth characteristic is that "he
puts dimples of JOY into the cheeks Of
the ones he loves" The one he loves.
however, is number one.
His next characteristic is that "he lets
the gods run heaven to suit themselves" I"
while he breaks his neck to gobble up
the earth and the fullnsss thereof for
himself.
THAT is all the religion have" says
the colonel. ut is to make somebody
else happier if can. do not mean to
take any great trouble about it. but IL !
can do it easily-that is, without taking
off my gloves or rumpling my shirt or
disarranging my hair-that, it seems to
me, is all there is of real religion"
RELIGION BELOW ZERO.
have said that any religion Ii better
than none. will have to take it back.
The colonel has professed religion that
is certainly SO degs. below zero. 1t is
certainly at least so degs. less than moth
ing. This surely is the charity that be-
gins at home and ends at the same place.
1t is the religion of the Scotch parlia-
mentarian whose living principle was:
"Be always asking for all you can think
of, be always taking all you can get.
When you have got it, be always asking
for more" Get everything you can;
keep it. Ii you give, swap. This Is the
religion that the old deacon had who
prayed the remarkable prayer which
embodies the characteristics of the man
here described. Ee prayed:
Lord, bless roe and my wife,
Ny son John. bis wife,
We four anc no moro. Amen.
That's as far as Ghe colonel can go, ap.
parently. This is very ancient sort OF
religion. 1t has been here good while.
It is the religion Of the man who made
the famous New Years resolution, RE.
solved, That we will love ourselves as
our neighbor loves himself, and we will
make it hot for any man who tries tc
outdo us in this labor of love"
A FREETHINKER's MOTTO.
/ read some time ago that Christian
minister was discussing the question oi
religion with famous unbeliever, whose
admirers are fond of pointing to his good
ness, benevolence and love of humanity
as evidences of the moral power of inf
deity. The clergyman pointed with
great earnestness to the efforts made by
Christians to make the world better, tC
rescue men from the slavery of sin. The
infdel listened with considerable impa
tience, and at last burst ont with the
amazing reply: 'H what you say is true
then all have to say is, that Christians
are fools; the d old world isn't worth
saying" But you don't say that ir
public" replied the clergyman. "Why
should Il" said the freethinker, showing
that. after all, he is not a freethinker
'It would only expose me to food o.
abuse from lot of fools. l propose Il
get as much happiness out of life as pos
sible. and couldn't do that if were Il
say what ] thought of this ridiculous OLD
farce of a world. Every man for himself
is my motto, and it is the only mottt
worth anything" Now do not say tina
this man was the colonel, but do sa,
that such a creed tallies with remark
able exactness with the religion professet
by the colonel on this occasion.
The religion of get it all and take i
easy, rob the dead and swap with tn
living, the religion of good victuals ant
good clothes, is the religion of tn,
epicure. 1t makes the chief end of hf,
simply the swi1ltub Of the pig. It de
clares that happiness, meaning the graf