Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-11-17

1t has not yet occurred to the die
tionary-makers to classify "phono-
graph" as feminine noun simply be-
cause it talks Philadelphia
Times.
Are you married or single?" asked
the census-taker of the lady of the
house. "Wen, 1 hardly know" she
replied; "you see the jury disagreed"
Life.
If the coal comb ine is determined to
advance prices every time the courts
decide against it the people will soon
insist on final decision that will wipe
it out.-MIlacaukee Journal.
"Well, do you regret the end of your
summering, Alice?" very much. |
had such delightful time!" what
did you do mostly?" played solitaire
with Jack."-Harper's Bazaar.
why, Arduppe, how awfully thin
you're looking!' Eyes, old fellow.
You see, my present diet is a trife
lowering" "What are you living on?"
"My wife's relations. "-Funny Folks.
by Jove," unused Willie Wishing
ton, ideas are gweat things. But
pwaps it's just as well not to have so
many and SO wun less wisk of being
known as a cwant. = WaSAjRgt0a Star.
An esteemed contemporary prints
the startling headline rs Providence
Prepared to Meet an Epidemic?" 1t
now turns out, however, that the head
line refers to Providence, r. L-Detr0lt
Free Press.
"Biggin's wife has the most perfect
confidence in him" 30, every mar
ried man tells that sort of a story"
"But she proves it. She lends him
money to play poker with."-Ladia's-
dpOIiS Journal.
Dudeleigh-"I like smart women
well enough, but l wouldn't care to
marry a woman who knew more than
[ did" Rudeleigh-"And so you have
been forced to remain single?"
ton Transcript.
Maizie-"I have a splendid chap
eron." Ella-"Is that SOP" Maize
Eyes, She fiirts with each young man
who arrives at the hotel, aud if she
finds he has any fun in him she intro.
duces me."-Puck.
Physicians say that during the chol-
era epidemic fruit should be avoided
unless it is thoroughly cooked. 1t will
be pretty tough if we have to come
down to eating boiled muskmelon.-
Buffalo Commercial.
Il wish | were dead" 90, jim,
don't say such things!" "But | am
desperate" well, say you wish you
were in Philadelphia. "But / am not
that desperate. life.
81 hope you appreciate the fact, sir,
that in marrying my daughter you
marry large-hearted, generous girl. u
Il do, sir with emotion), and [ hope
she inherits those qualities from her
father. "-Brookly'a Life.
Mamma (to the professor, whose
ears have been lacerated for an hour)
Don't you think the dear child
should have her voice cultivated?"
The Professor (grimly) if she
must sing. "-K0te Fields Washington.
Judge-"Oficer, you say this wo-
man, when locked up, was dressed in
mems attire?" Olficer-"Yes, sir; but
| didn't suspect her sex until this
morning, when she was buttoning Ler
shoes" "How did you detect it them"
"She asked me for a hair-pin!"-Puch.
Judge Durfey-"You are charged
with stealing chickens, do you want q
lawyerP" Nose SNOWFALL NO, yer
honah." Judge Durfey-"Why not?'
Nose Snowball-"If it please de cot,
I'd like ter keep dem chickens myself,
after habbin' all de trubble er gittin'
'em. "-ITuth.
The man who committed suicide be-
cause his wife bore him girl instead
of a boy must have been hopelessly in
sane. The girl baby beats bow BIZ by
every time, and when her pa grows
old she does not send him to the poor
house, as the boy does.-LouisUiLLe
COWrieT-J0aGr7aat.
The Janitor-"Hey! Git down into
the house as quick as you CAM" Mrs.
hington-"What is the matter?"
The Janitor-"There's a mad-dog on
the street" Mrs. Washington-"B
it can't get at me up here, can it,"
The Janitor-"No; but the policeman
is getting ready to shoot at it. "-Puck.
81 don't think that either Harriso h
and Reid or Cleveland and Stevenson
have any chance of election, said Mrs.
Snaggs last night. On, you don't"
replied Snaggs, in his usual soornful
style. "No; was in town this after
noon and the enthusiasm and the BAN
ners all pointed to strong feeling in
favor of Damon and Pythias."
Guest-"Id soon starve here" Pro-
prietor Country hoteD - There's
plenty to eat" perhaps so, but those
waiter-girls of yours don't attend tc
me-" They don't? Well, that's cas-
lily fixed. Here's some wax" "What
good is that?" "Put it on your mus
tache, Of course, and curl the ends
You've got too much of married
look."-M z. Weekly.
Mrs. Peterby, who has heretofore
been very poor but just come into pos
session of some money, went to Nose
Schaumburg's emporium for the pur-
pose of buying silk dress for the first
time in her life. 81 drinks dot dis bat
ern will choost suit you ven it vas not
too heavy for you. Dot vas very heavy
siluck," said Nose. CAS- far as the
weight of the silk is concerned" said
Mrs. Peterby, with great dignity, "if
it is too heavy for me to carry you can
send 1t to the house in a delivery
wagon. "-I8r0s SJtjngs.