Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1892-02-15
THE HAS.BEENS.
An Ancient and Honorable Order that
Became as If 1t Had Not Been.

In long article urging capitalists
to build railroad to Choteau, before
anybody else got in ahead of them.
the esteemed Montanian gave among
other reasons why the enterprise
should be undertaken the fact that
tho town has lodge of Knights OF
Pythias. If the capitalists will furnish
the rails we suppose the lodge will
furnish the mystic ties to lay them on.
1t is seldom that a lodge Of Iny kind
not even lodge IN some vast wills
defness, to which the poet feclingly
aliuded--is complimented by being
held up as All inducement for rail.
! road. 1t shows that secret societies
are about to enjoy their rites.
Years ago secret societies had a
hard row to hoe, tqualled only by the
row hoed by the moreover who rowed
his hoe ,hroug the ;nitia,ory perform
anccs. We remember the first order
we ever joined. 1t was called the
Honorable Order of Ancient Has
Beens, whose membership was limited
to men whose lie ads measured no le.
than 70 l.2 inches above the ears.
No pin-heads ever desecratcd our
sacred circle or monkcyed with the
goat. Too much brain power for the
amount of capital in the treasury fin
ally relaxed the cohesivtness Of the
order and it became Ms though i, had
not been. We violate no confidence,
Their fore, in converslng freely about
the long since exeune ed order.
1t requires pedigree and chemi-
cal analysis Ct character to become a
Has. Been. If there was no coat OF
arms in his family history he had to
show up the arms Of coat and prove
that he had an ancestor who could
,ifset his own lack of distinction. A
man with large, complex head, and
All ancestor who had done something
great, could get into tho order Of
Has Beens if lis liver was not too
torpid. We kept the thing pretty ex.
elusive, but it was astonishing how
many men had great relatives at their
tongues ends. Sometimes a measly
wretch would get into the order on
false pie,enslons. One man claimed
direct descent from st. Panl ard
actually got through the fist degree
before our janitor discovered tina, St.
Paul WAS bachelor. THIS was a
} mean trick, but it shows how careful a
. secret society must be.
, The initiatorv exercises OF the Has
Beens was very symbolical, and the
candidate felt like bad case OF
physical geography before he got
| through. We borrowed q smoke
: stack from decrepit iron foundry
and compelled the victim 10 crawl
through it in goirg from the first to
the second degree. AS he emerged
: the Most Worthy High Cockalorum
5 would say: "How do you frel?" II
the candidate had his presence Of
mind with him he would reply: 81
am sooted." IL he s.ore mildly o,
referred to his other suit Of clothes il
! vacant, off handed manner he was
sent back after further instructions.
In the second degree the candidate
was reminded that he had been laugh
to remember that he should never hi
the pipe If he expected to keep him
self clean. He was then disrobed ant
slid down a greasy plank about foul
miles long, attaining mean average
temperature Of sixty miles an hour
before colliding with the terminus
The end Of the tramway was dove.
5 tailed into a stack Of sponges filled
with ice water. When the canAidat,
for the honors of the order struck thi.
stack amidships he reverberated ny
and down several feet Ut time unti
the momentum was lost and he IL,
like a warrior taking his rest with hi.
When he would strike the pile u
sponges geyser, Fahrenheited sever
stories below zero, would squirt ny
| into the dome of the lodge room anc
t aieet the candidate half way bach
;. again. This would be kept up til
the sponges tired. lis exercise wa.
to teach the benighted candidate tina
. cold water would always be throw,
! upon his forts if he went at too gres
e a pace in this life, even though tn.
track seemed a smooth one. Il.
would a, las. be compelled to sponge
b, his way along when he reached tie
bottom of his downward journey. Ne
5 man with e2l head would ever for
E get this grand lesson.
), There were Geo degrees in thi;
order, making 1t bigger thing thar
masonry, but we charter member.
= only succeeded in working about 40(
e Of them OH the initiates when the
n blamed order busted, as heretofore