Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-01-03
ATALK ON PROPHECY.
Bob Burdette Recommends q Tomb
to Cure the Swelled Head.
IT WILL TEACH DISCRETION.
Still the Occupation Of Predicting Has
Some Good Points.
4 HOLD UPON TIE EAR OF THE WORLD

with the prophets. Now, have the pro-
foundest respect for prophets who are to the
manner born; and had received my call
to the inspired life at my birth or earlier,
would be exalted above measure by the
honor thus laid upon me and I would
prophesy, and cry aloud, and spare not,
whenever there was ANYTHING to predict.
But young as was even at that time, when
I was not old enough to be very young, 1
observed that the homemade, and worse
still, the handmade article of prophet was
a snare at many times, delusion the rest of
the time, and in other instances fraud.
I cured myself of the habit of predicting
things by very simple method. 1 took
several doses of my own medicine. 1t pro-
duced, in the time of fulfllment, severe
headache, accompanied by sense of NAL de
mer, low fever, great mental depression
and a tired feeling, supplemented by an
intermittent desire to go away somewhere
in the dark until people forgot all about it.
After my recovery, which was somewhat re-
tarted during the period of convalescence
by my stumbling over records of my proph-
ecy now and then, procured good strong
box, not too large, and labelled it ''The
Tomb of the Prophets"
What Parallel Columns Showed.
Thereafter. whenever I felt strong de-
sire to predict something, instead of rushing
into print with it, I wrote it down in plain,
fair script, dated it and put it into this
box Then, some long rainy day, I would
overhaul the 'Tomb of the Prophets" and
read my predictions in the light of events
Sometimes the parallel columns would be
too funny-with hopelessly unconscious
bumor-for anything. Sometimes they
would make my heart swell with feeling
of devout, humble thankfulness that kind
Providence had kept me back from rushing
into print with some particular prediction,
and sometimes they would afford what
Horace Greeley used to call 'tmighty in
teresting reading"
By degrees 1 got to interring other unre-
generate prophets, who had not learned the
secret of keeping their prophetic utterances
to themselves, into the consecrated crypt of
nv private cemetery. This increased the
scope Of my prophetic reading; and while
it is not always instructive, it never fails to
be entertaining. Here is hint for you for
1892, my boy. Whether you clip out of the
newspapers the predictions of other anna
teur md professional prophets, the weather
proI It's, the weather experts the poll
ticiaI who always make fearful and won
derful forecasts, the hard and easy winter
prophets of the spider web and goose-bone
schools, at any rate keep a close and ac-
curate record of your own forecasts about
everything.
Avery Good Years Schooling.
Then about once month you car over
haul your log book and correct your longi-
tude And if you haven't learned to speak
a lee-tle NOR slowly, and think a lee-tle
more thoughtfully by the time you begin
writing December" at the top of your let
ters, it will be either because you know
everything, and consequently cannot i'm
prove, or because you don't know anything,
and also consequently are equally inca
pable of improvement.
Among other things I examined from this
''Tomb of the Prophets" the other day. was
the statement made in the most positive form
of declaration that the English language can
be compelled to assume, and team be pretty
positive when it gets its back up-that be-
fore the 1st of January, 1891, a line of cleo
tric cars would be running between-hold
on; that isn't the one; that's one of my
own. 1t is of no public interest, being a
mere surprise, simply expressing in very
guarded terms the bare possibility of some
thing that would have happened long be-
fore the time set down in the possibility"
if there had been any snap or go in the peo-
pie who-but, however, it is of no conse
quence at present; so will not take up
your time by speaking of what-but I'll bet
anv man dollars TO doughnuts in tens that
oh! here is what was looking for.
A Bulletin of the Grand Smash-Up.
1t is dated in July, 1889, and is the posi-
tive prediction of that excellent, sincere,
and most experienced of all the "end-
of-the-world" prophets, the Rev. MI. Ba1-
ter, of England, issuing his final and revised
bulletin of the everlasting smash-up. He
turns the book of Daniel inside out, upside
down, either end to, adds, subtracts, multi
plies and divides, extracts the square root,
counts the letters and misses every fifth
one; works in few acrostics after the man.
ner of the prophet who finds the name of
the Deity in the book of Esther, and fally
sets everything up straight and clean. all
the same font, makes it Justify, and fixes
the exact date for the dissolution
of the Standard Oil Company and
and the Gould system, which is about all
there is left of the world, for the 11th of
April, 1891.
Now there is good prophecy for you.
And suppose it was all brought to naught |
by the greedy, selfish carelessEess of peo-
pie. suppose we forgot all about it, and |
went right along buying and selling, mar
rying and giving in marriage-which are all
the same things-on the 11th of April until |
the day was past, and we were on our way |
home from an hours improvement under |
the elevating teaching of the stage in |
"Brass Monkey" +" "Hole in the Ground" or |
''The Clemenceau Case" before we remem- |
bered that we should have wound things up |
that very afternoon. 1t must be discour- |
aging to prophet to prophesy until his |
lower Jaw cleayes to the roof of his mouth, |
and his back fairly aches, and then have |
people 60 away and forget what it was all |
about.
A Drouth During the Johnstown Flood.
Then find another good prophecy by a |
local prophet, predicting six weeks
drouth. It is dated about two weeks before |
the JohnstowR food. The great European |
war is tavorite subject for old prophets. |
The time for the fulfllment of all, or al |
most all war prophecies, whether they be |
written in January or December, is "before |
the close of the present month of the pres !
ent veal" The war prophet has got that |
phrase elcysted in his system somewhere, |
and it cant be taken out without great dam |
ger, greater danger, indeed, than there |
is-and this is not a prophecy, but mere
ly a comparison-of the great European
war.
Another thing discover in my occasional
researches in the Tomb of the Prophets
is the great and increasing multitude of
post facto prophets. The original Cleve-
land, Garfield, Harrison and Blaine man
why, if the man who ''originally" nomi-
mated oil the candidates for President dur
~ loI i ! 4