Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1892-09-06

The name Of the writer is omitted,
of course
VERMONT, Nov. 22d, 1891.
Robert p. Porter, Superintendent Of Cen
Sus. U'ashingtOa, ID. c.
Dear Sir have your favor of the
10Th inst, informing me of the dissatis-
faction of your department with my
mortality reports and that it was un-
reasonable TO suppose that III dis
trict containing 1910 persons there
should be but six deaths during the last
five months of the census year. That
according TO some laws of average hith-
erto unknown and therefore unheeded
by the good people of my district, there
should have been ten deaths rather
than six during the period indicated.
am very sorry that my conscience
prevents my reporting to you more
deaths than are actually reported to
me, for / inquired in every honse, and
YOU already have the result. l studied
your instructions very carefully and
found nothing in them to indicate that
you expected ten deaths in order TO
make the census complete. OF course,
had | known that the safety of my
country's institutions demanded ten
deaths here | might have taken means
10 have obtained them, for | know of
several good subjects for pleasant iune-
rals-all of said subjects being men
whose deaths would have recorded
with pleasure.
But pardon me for calling your atten-
ton to seeming inconsistency in your
law of average as applied even to Mr.
B S district. There were about 1900 per-
sons and 20 deaths.
Now, from your letter, understand
you require one dead person for each
Isl lives but he returned one dead one
for each So live ones Now this num-
Der being so much in excess of the av-
Srage indicated will it be required TO
resuTect enough to bring it down where
IL belongs?
But possibly if you knew my district
the rule indicated In the first place |
have it from good authority that there
is but one place in the world where the
rate of mortality is;,s low as here, and
that place is far away in sunny Italy,
5ut those people being ignorant and be-
yond our jurisdiction, we can hardly
expect them to die according to the
rules of the Census Department.
Ny district contains large number
ofpersons who for pluck, patience, and
perseverance are the wonder and ad-
miration of the age. ! refer, ofcourse,
TO Vermont democrats who you must
know occasionally grow old. but never
die.
There are a few office holders and
Won know that dying is not one Of their
peculiarities, but had | received your
instructions previous to the last cleo
ton, and if they felt any way as did
while the returns were coming in, /
think might have persuaded some Of
the newly appointed ones to die with
little difficulty.
There are also few school teachers,
but presidinga as they have so long over
the band of angelic beings whose bright
abodes are in the pleasant homes OF
this society town, they are not yet
prepared to run the risk of being com
pelled to take positions in the sui phu-
rous district beyond the veil where
the reigning spirits have as little com
prehension of good school law as the
Vermont Legislature. :.
There are some lawyers to whom II
the Angel of Death were to appear with
his sword already drawn they would
calmly ask for his credentials, and final
lv. when their last breath had depart
ed, they would insist uponlproof other
own death.
There are also some physicians Of
excellent standing but their operations
have been largely confined to Mr.. BIS
district, where the rate of NOR
tality is so high, and never
having any of their own medicine,
of course, l have derived no assistance
from this source in securing victims.
There are also some merchants, but
they have been so busily engaged in
marking up their goods in anticipation
of the imagined effects Of the Mckin-
lev bill that they have not died, but
they probably would have done so had
they knowr it would accommodate
ANYBODY, particularly the census enum-
orators, who are very popular.
There are several clergymen, few
deacons. some stewards, an Episcopa!
vestry, and couple Of Sunday school
superintendents, but, of course, none OF
these dare 10 die.
There are some editors. Some one
has called editors uncrowned kings of
thought. 1t is an old adage, you
know, that uneasy lies the head that
wears crown, but being mcrowned,
editors generally lie so extremely easy
that l would not feel justified in re-
porting them dead upon their own tes-
timony alone.
There are some plumbers, but it
would be a great disadvantage to them
to be compelled to depart for that por-
ton of the undiscovered country, when
owing TO the intense heat of the eli
mate solder ever remains in q liquid
state.
As for the rest of the people, l can
only say that if you were ever to visit
my section of this beautiful village you
would see at once how hard it would
be to entice them into any other coun-
try, here or hereafter, no matter how
fair itc folds how hIua itc skies how