Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-09-01

True Flag: If ever there was flo


old bachelorhood = others have the
bachelorhood thrust on them = and the
former class belong TO our major You
could have picked him out in multi
tude; if he had been labeled, like an
antediluvian fossil or a dried specimen
of entomology, there couldn't have
been more certainty in the matter.
He was a dapper. thin little man,
something under five feet in height
with a glossy black wig, closely trim
med side whiSkers and costume 50
daintily neat that he reminded you OF
a shining black cat. He took a Turk
ish bath in the morning and a Rus
sian bath in the evening; he came
home to dinner at II precisely, and
went to bed at IL at night, with his
boots standing at the foot of his bed
and his stockings at the head, and his
wig elevated on his gas fixture, and
every chair in the room standing It
right angles with the wall
1t was high noon on a sparkling,
windy March day when Major Teller
came home to the antique down town
boarding house where he had vegetated
for the last twenty years and went TO
his own room to brush his wig for the
midday meal. Opening the door he
stumbled over an obstacle in the way.
"Oh, I beg your pardon, I'm sure. :
said the major, turning very red and
recovering his footing with difficulty.
It was Miss Patience Pettgrew on
her hands and knes cleaning off the
oilcloth at the door.
Now the major was afraid of Pat
ience-afraid of her as the plump
lamb fears the gaunt wolf, or the IN
offending robin the dire serpent Miss
Patience was tall and lean and sallow,
but she curled her hair and wore an
artificial rose over her left ear and
sang little whistling tunes to a little
spindle legged piano, and firmly be-
lieved that if she only waited a little
longer she would get married to some
body! And because the major sat op-
poSite her at the table-NIiss Patti
ence helped her widowed sister keep
house" and served out the gravy and
sauces-and regarded her artificial rose
and bears grease curl with a sort of
fearful fascination, Miss Patience some
how Opined that she should one day
Cupid willing, become Mrs. Major Tel
Ter!
ITS of no consequence, major" said
Miss Patience, recovering her piece Of
sOap,which had skirmished out to the
middle of the carpet. 81 hope your
fire isn't out"
THANK you ma'am, it is very good"
L Go wonder, major" said Miss Pa
tience, with a premonitory giggle, ''why
you never got married"
The major retired precipitately be-
hind the coal scuttle and made no re-
ply.
You'd be so much more comfortable,
you know" added Miss Patience,
w1inging out her wooden cloth and look
ing so lovingly on the major that he
retreated still farther into his ward
robe, where, among the swinging eff
gies of coats and trousers, he felt com
paratively safe.
Miss Patience hesitated a moment,
and in that moment the major felt all
the anticipatory agonies of being pur-
sured, captured, brought forth and pos
sibly married before he could get breath
to demonstrate! But she finally took
up her pail and vanished.
Dear me, major, you have no appe-
tite, said Miss Patience sWeetly at the
dinner table.
No, ma'am," said the major.
''Try to eat a little-just to please
me, major
mo, THANK you ma'am!'
Don't you know, major, people will
say you are in love if you don't eat
more?" smiled the antiquated spinster.
This was more than our hero could
endure; he rose up and left Miss Pet
igrew triumphant victor of the Wordy
field.
Il won't go back to that house if
can help it, thought Major Teller,
brushing the cold dew away from his
forehead with a crimson silk handler
chief. Her intentions are serious; l
know they are
And the major in his innermost mini
reviewed the catechism and hymns he
had learned as a child, trying to think
If there was not some invocation par
ucularly suited to an elderly gentleman
in great peril and perplexitity But he
could not remember anything appro-
pirate to his particular case.
Its twenty years since I've been in
the inside Of a church thought peni-
tent old offender. Il wish / had gone
little more regularly. I wonder if
it's too late in life to REFORM
For the major, poor old gentleman,
had a vague idea that RELIGION
would be a sort Of safeguard against
the wives of his fair enemy Deliver
ance from Miss Patience Pettigrew
must be obtained on some terms or
other.
AS Major Teller was frantically re-
volving these things in his mind he
came to sudden and voluntary stand
still. There was a crowd gathered in
the street-a stalled electric, or an ar
rested pickpocket, or some other nue.
leuS around which gathers the RAPIDLY
increasing swarm of metropolitan loaf
ers. Now of all things, Major Teller
most dreaded a crowd, and he looked
around nervously for some means of
escape
An old fashioned church, with open
doors and some sort of service going on
inside cauUht tho mo ior,S o1-o III