The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1892-06-01
A Nine Years. Hunger.
A DRAMA DEALING WITH EIGHTY-THREE
SToMACHS.

-
ScENE-Delmonico's, at crisis. Eighty
three reporters of the New York IVhirled
are interviewing a banquet. The banquet
is getting all the worst of the encounter.
MR.. TENTHFLooR SwAYBACK with an air
of being used to it)-Pass the butter. (SOtto
Uoce) Cad, what a difference there is be-
tween Delmonico's and Ninth street table
d'hote. | believe my stomach must have
more than nine dollars worth in it already.
MIR. THREEDoLLAR PUFFER "a man who
can earn eight week and work only sixteen
hours day)-This wine seems real. | wish
to gawd had basket to carry home some
roast plover in.
Some one shouts "Three cheers for Mr..
Josephus Polecatzer." A French waiter
with the asthma tries to respond, but fails
to produce sound. The reporters keep on
eating
Mr.. JEREMIAH QUILLPUsHER (who is
chairman OF the banqueting committee and
| has an appetite that will run as long as
Waterbury watch)-Gentlemen remember
| that though everything is free here tonight
you are not privileged to eat the table linen
or the candelabras. When Mr.. Polecatzer
| first conceived the idea of cornering the
meat market and feeding eighty-three re-
porters at one time, he consulted me as to
the practicability of the scheme. | said
that If could first get the boys to go to
Beefsteak Johns and take the beveled edge
off their nine-year-old appetites. subse-
| quent gorge at Delmoncos would not cost
him over thirty-tive dollars a plate. He
| therefore figured out what he had ma lie out
of us during our nine years of starvation on
! the Whirled, and said that if could get Del
monico to take us in bulk at twenty plate
and lie, him work out the rest in reading no.
tees, he would feed us just once And so
here we are, boys. Remember, your honor
is at stake. Do not eat the green plants or
the menu cards. And now let me propose
the health of Mr.. Blackguard Myth the gem
ial gent with the incandescent nose.
After silence of five minutes it is
mutely decided to let Mr.. Myth drink his
own health.
MIR. CHILLY PAYDAY-I'll have few
more of those fried buttons.
The WAITER-Zose are brroiled mush-
| rooms sair.
MIR. CHILLY PAYDAY-The HI you say.
Well. how do you expect space-writer on
the Whirled to know that? They are cham
pion onions on the programme.
WAITER-Champigno m sieu!
| MIR. CHILLY PAYDAY-Well, I'm no cable
editor just razzle two dozen of EN- on
| my plate, and you can eat the name your
| self
Mr.. QUILLPusHER (the chairman, rising
again)-Once more let me attract the at
tention of my fellow-b ullmakers away from
the succulent and costly Wand. | have
| here cable from our honored chief, the
munitcent gentleman who is paying to
have plush lining placed within you to-
night. If | may hope that the clash of cut
| lery and snap OF Jaws may taper off into
silence for moment, l will read it aloud.
| No taper ensues, so the chairman is
forced to jeopardize his larynx by shrek
ing. The Polecatzer cabegram is as fol-
| lows
Shendlemuns auf der rreberdorrial steff
auf der grread unit only New Yorreg VdirH
Breeding: l wand you for to underStent dot
| elm nod puying hodels for you dis efening
but simply filling a long-feld wand mid a
cerdain degree auf liperalidy. 1t ISIS kvite
neutral dot you should pc hungry, but by
chimineddy, auf you cad so tam much dot
Delmoneygo sharge me for eXdras vat iss
nod down on der regular pill auf fair
vond pay me dot pill, so hellup me Black
quart Smid. lofe my steff auf rreborders,
hut, by Georch, dot steif cand blay me for
a sugger. You can hef klems, wienerschnit-
eel, und all dose delegates, bud dond
spring nighdinkales kidneys on me. Rre-
member, cad all you wand, bud don'd cad
for your whole family.
"JosEPHUs PoLECATzER."
After due deiberation it is decided to
send out for a District Messenger boy to
cheer Mr.. Polecatzers dispatch. Six hours
then pass without remark being made by
anyone present Several reporters burst
like balloons in the meantime, and fresh
relay of walters is called in. Word comes
upstairs that the cooks have struck for
higher pay, and that the coal has given out.
AT this juncturc Charley Delmonico decides
| tud1 uC Will NC a iulhcu man Al ut CIV CO VIC
reporters another hour, so he has them
lowered out OF the windows into Twenty
sixth street. Then the chairman of the
committee, who is the only one of the
eighty-three who can still think cables a
note of gratitude to Mr.. Polecatzer.
New YORK, A. NJ, May Ii.
"GREAT CHIEF: The boys have just
eaten enough to last them another nine
years. Only one X-dollar-a-week man has
died from the exertion. The whole corps is
now marching into Thirty-second street
shouting To HI with the managing editor;
long live Charley Delmonico.'
JEREMIAH QUILLPUsHER,
for the Committee"
If the Vhirled is even worse newspaper
than ever this week the public must credit
it to the great nine. year reporters banquet.
The gifted starvelings are still engaged in
its DIGESTION I0l0n Topics.