The Newberry herald and news. (Newberry, S.C.) 1884-1903, 1892-09-07
AGONY CoLCMS.
Contributions SolIcIted-The Only known
Vent for Political Indignation.

The Campaign of Education is over,
and Newberry has q graduating class
of which she has every reason to be
proud, prominent among which is
your humble servant, who is sporting
as a "Jarst-hoaor 6oy," with the dis
tinctlve tail-curls of A. NJ, B. A., D. D.,
IL. D. and F. r. S. :
I was approached by large body of
jewellers in the land" this morning,
soliciting me to become q candidate for
fool killer for this tetrarchy; but being
by birth, education and instinct averse
to suicide, I was compelled, very reluc-
tantly, to decline with thanks.
When A. &. Latimer was around in
this country in the interest of the
steam fire extinguisher, we little
thought that the blamed machine
would put out the fires of patriotism.
What's the difference between tail
ing the ticket and being the object of
political economy? Sheriffs Smith,
Buford, Caldwell and Hill please rise
and explain.
''Ploughing on" is all right for cam
paign buncombe, but what do you
think of it as reality, you County
Commissioner boys? R. S. V.P. Which
means tell the truth and shame the
Democratic party.
The report has beeu circulated
through 8, 10 and II townships that I
was the painter Of the famous "game
cock" that lost in prudence what it
gained In game on campaign day at
Newberry. Well, hardly! I am we'll
acquainted with the artist, and, what
is more, entertain very high regard
for him personally, but seriously ques-
ton his judgment in using such colors
as seem to have ''busted" the bird be-
fore it had chance to crow; but
ut Das q darned fine jo6." This re-
port will noD be corrected, as there is
no further necessity Of imposing on the
people Of that section. BY the way, if
my young friend will turn his atten-
ton to painting ,"blinkers" he will
find that the 'world, the flesh and the
devil" can't knock the stuffing out of
them.
Post-primary cogitations as to why
some people can't be elected are re-
lieved by the solitary assurance that
successful candidates are maaGe, not
born.
The above is offered simply as con-
ISOLATION to those who can get any out
of it. [ must acknowledge a failure on
my part up to date.
I would like to call the attention of
the second race fellows to the fact that
am out Of pocket about $40, and fur
thermore that 1 can guarantee the
placing in the ballot box of three hun
dred ballots-if the managers don't i'll
terfere before / get through.
Amid the general rejoiciDgs, conse-
quent upon the relaxation of the polit-
ical tension, it is not unusual to hear
fervid renditions of the long meter
doxology, which some of US could sub
scribe to with keener sense of appre-
citation if grace notes were substituted
for a few Of the flats. No, thank you,
gentlemen, we don't drink coffee.
Held hand primary this morning
in the family-on the following propo-
sition, to-wit: Resolved, "that the head
of this family had better let politics
alone and caper around, for spell, in
the agricultural arena" Carried by
an overwhelming majority and ordered
to go into effect at once.
There is an old saw that "fgures
| won't lie," and I know a couple of fell
| lows who are persuaded beyond the
| possibility of a doubt that hes aoon't
figure worth cent in counting major
| tiles.
Some of the successful fellows seem
to be highly amused at certain facts or
| figures developed in the election re-
turns and desirous of imparting their
amusement to every one that comes
along, regardless of trace, color or pre-
vious condition." whilst some others,
who ordinarily have a. keen sense of
humor, have failed to ses a darned
| thing funny in it. Ask Electors Hol-
loway and Carlisle if it is not 80.
am instructed by the 6. NJ. c..
| (grey mule CLAM to decline with
thanks any further post-mortem con-
fessions or graveyard rhetoric in re-
gard to why they voted for the other
| fellows, as we are actively employed
| in figuring out the matter from an en-
tirely different standpoint.
Primary elections are great institu-
tions. They give fellow>a chance to
| attend his own funeral and to mingle
bis tears with those Of friends and ad-
minister on his OWL estate-when be
has one left.
would hate to feel az badly as some
of the boys look-Henry Samuel New
ton Crosson, for instance, and, by way
of extra honorable mention, Sheritfs
| Buford and Smith.
Hurry, boys, and get through with
the second primary; we are anxious to
hold our latter-day "ghost dance" and
want your scalps. Hump and hustle
if you want to wear hair after the 18th.
| Mount the fence, boys, and let's see
the procession go by. In the language
Of the Rev. Jordan Green, amt it
| hol1 Snor1rAn