The Portland daily press., 1892-10-22
ABOUT BoREs.
Some Notable Examples of Them and
Their Ways.

| (cOPYRIGHT, 1877. BY BACHELIER q JoHNsoN.l
If there is one thing more than another
that affects my nervous system and dis
turbs my equanimity it is to encounter
bore, especially if the bore happens to be-
| long to my sex. For of the two the fe-
male bore is infinitely more Objectionable
than one of the masculine species. 1t is
| ALWAYS possible for woman to squelch
male bore, but when the sbore happens
| to be lady it is perfectly useless to at
tempt to suppress her. She is simply ir-
repressible and there is absolutely moth
| ing to be done except to take to flight
when she appears upon the horizon. l
regard her, moreover, as being primarily
responsible for the increasing disinclina-
ton to marry manifested by the young
men Of the present day.
They dread that once welded they may
find that they are chained for the re-
mainder of their existence to bore. The
very thought is sufficient to cause them
| to shudder; as we'll it may. We all know
how figedy, restless and exasperated we
| feel when person has been boring us for
an hour or two. Imagine. therefore, the
| S~Ao
remainder of ones existence in close and
| intimate association with bore; to find
ones self morning noon and evening ex-
| posed to the infection, and not even to
be able to find any refuge or relief there
| from in bed. woman myself and con-
seauently prejudiced in favor of my own
sex, / can nevertheless appreciate the
oh, VANS ral-
| ctlated to arouse in masculine hearts,
and can understand the consequent disin-
clination of young men to wed.
| Women bores, who, by the by,
are far more numerous and obtrusive
than the masculine bores, belong
to very many different and varied
species. There are, for instance, the po-
litical female bore, the religious female
bore. the scientific lady bore and host
of others. Curiously enough when mar
ried they are usually at variance with
their husbands on the subject of their
hobby. and have found moreover that
bores seldom intermarry. This must be
regarded as wise provision of nature.
For if two bores got married and begat
little bores the world would soon become
intolerable Of course there are excep-
tions to the rule, and occasionally have
witnessed the amusing spectacle OF we'd
ded bores endeavoring to talk each other
down.
One of the most ordinary bores of the
present day is the woman who insists
upon kdiscoursing at length on the
subject of servants. Heaven only knows
that in this great and glorious country of
ours the question of "help' (as it is most
inappropriately denominated) furnishes
matter for inexhaustible discussion.
There is, however, a terrible sameness
about the latter, and the misdeeds of
sMary Anu" which many of our sex are
won't to relate, in all their wearisome de-
tail, to unfortunate friends and acquaint-
ances betray such resemblance and anal
ogy to the shortcomings of ssBiddy" that
the subject, at no time interesting, be-
comes most appallingly monotonous
And yet there are many women who can
talk of absolutely nothing else.
Another form of feminine bore is the
| woman who selects the ailments of her
| children as the field of her conversational
operations, and who appears to imagine
that baby's collie and little Johnnie's
humps are of vital and absorbing inter-
est not only to her friends, but also to
her chance acquaintance, both male and
female. 1t is needless for me to add that
her offsprings, as a general rule, are the
most uninteresting and tiresome brats
that it is possible to conceive
Extremely pernicious, too, is the meta
physical lady bore. Fortunately she is
somewhat rarer than the other two
species that have just mentioned. She
has usually read, and is, of course, eager
to discuss Schwegler, the "Secret of
Hegel," Herbert Spencer, Schoppenhauer
and EsHuxley on Kant" Her desire is to
build a bridge between science and relig-
ion on the basis of the Thing in Itself
| Let me warn my readers if they have
any regard for their brain or for their
peace of mind, to avoid as they would
the plague asking her what "The Thing
In Itself" means. I did SO once, and my
head was in a whirl and daze for a week
.afterward Even marriage does not cure
her, for she is far too convinced of her
mental superiority over her husband to
condescend to pay anything but plying,
patronizing attention to anything that he
may happen to say. Scientific soriees
ars their joy, and they attach themselves
to professors and literary sgentlemen.
Some of their victims, especially il
middle aged, appear to thrive and te
flourish, and even to relish the ravages
of the lady metaphysical bore. This IL
usually attributable to the vanity OF thu
male victims, and due to the fact that thu
latter are wholly unaccustomed to femin-
inc attentions and assiduities. Among
my numerous acquaintance, who, alas,
are bores, there is woman whom can
not help regarding in the light of punish
ment destined for me by an angry Provi
dence She is imbued with the idea that
her veins are hardly capacious enough,tt
contain the oceans of blue blood which
flow therein, and she is never tired of ex
plaing to me that were she in Europe SHE
would be entitled to honors and distinc
tion which belonged to her ancestors
| bo- icc,,,id al ,,ao,,1o h thau ir