The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1892-06-08

Hear if Man Is Ever Able to Converse
with the Intelligent Appearing Ape of
the Menagerie.
In the person of Professor GARNER there
has at last come forward scientific gen.
tleman of prominence who is willing to
stake his professional reputation on his
ability to establish oral communication be-
tween man and monkeys. What do the
monkeys think of Professor GARNER and
his schemes At first the difficulty of OBJ
tanning an unprejudiced answer to this
| question seemed insuperable.
| Upon inquiry it was found that Professor
GARNER had apparently cast the glamor Of
his learning and enthusiasm over every
available authority on the monkey side of
the subject. Finally way out of the diff
ficulty was suggested by gentleman who
is himself something of naturalist, hav-
| ing made more or less successful attempt
to consolidate the interests of histrionism
and zoology.
"Why," said he, "there is Professor Con-
RAIDS educated sacred baboon. Professor
| GARNER has overlooked him, I'm sure"
Professor Conrad declared that his sacred
baboon was the most highly educated
monkey in Christendom, and that they
| frequently held long conversations with
each other.
He'll know all about it," said Professor
| Conrad. Come along and I'll introduce
you"
The sacred baboon bowed gravely and
remarked something in low tone to the
! professor.
He says it's fine evening"" said the
| I, l.
out the interview.
But professor, your sacred monkey has
a tail-a long one. He can hardly be up to
this subject. He is not an anthropoid ape"
HOW MAN CANE TO BE.
''Oh, l see," said Professor Conrad
That's one on me. Suppose we leave it
to Moses" And the professor jabbered
something in the ear of the sacred ape
that appeared to make the latter very
| angry.
HE wants to know" explained the pro-
fessor, whether you write shorthand?"
Certainly; but why?"
"Moses says his reputation and position
are such that he can't afford to be mis-
| quoted"
From the cheerful nature of the jabber-
ing which ensued it appeared that the pro-
fessor and the sacred ape were congratu-
lating each other on having one" on the
representative of the great public. Pres
emily, however, the latter assumed severe
expression Of countenance, and through
his interpreter made the following state
ment:
THAT anthropoid ape theory is all hum
bug. | demonstrated that long ago with
| my bareback somersault act. Show me
| the anthropoid ape that can do that trick,
will you? That shows what idiotic rub
bish your scientists are always talking and
writing. You listen carefully for two min
utes and you'll know more than all the
scientists put together"
''How is it, then" Moses was asked,
''that so many fine specimens of the ape
family have no more sign of tail than q
man has?"
1T is BECAUSE" Moses went on without
the slightest hesitation, 'of the inordinate
vanity of family of half witted monkeys.
who bit off each others tails in infancy for
couple of centuries, until nature gave up
the struggle and turned them out tailless.
'Why did they do this?"
Because they thought it completed their
resemblance to some other weakminded
branch of our family, calling themselves
men that broke off from the main stem
about that time. From that day to this
we haven't bothered ourselves much about
the fate of either of them. AS for the au-
thor-anthropoid ape, as you call him-he
isn't recognized in our best society at all.
GREAT MEMORY.
Moses was asked to state at about what
period of the earth's history these two I'M
worthy branches of the ape family-tail-
less monkey and man-broke away from
parental control. Moses ratified off some
thing with an air of great wisdom, and the
nature of his discourse seemed to puzzle
Professor Conrad not little.
''He says" said the professor, "that this
thing happened about 300, 900 years before
the great flood of frozen water, but Pm
blest if l know what that means"
Here, indeed, was valuable piece of in
formation. Up to the present time scien-
fists have been utterly unable to deter
mine, with any sort of accuracy, what geo
logical epoch witnessed the origin of man.
why, professor, this is most important,
if true. By the flood of frozen water
Moses unquestionably means the glacial
overflow. Three hundred thousand years
farther back would bring us into the be-
ginning of the miocene period. Our an
cestors then were contemporaneous with
the extinct phenacodus. They tracked the
terrible Coryphodon to his lair, and made
him pay tribute of Oil for the rude lamps
of their cave dwellings. They-but never
mind. 1t is very interesting. Be good
enough to ask Moses his opinion as to
whether Professor GARNER will be able to
reduce this language of monkeys to
written basis"
He probably will answered the sacred
baboon, with a gesture of indifference,
''and when he succeeds your OWE language
and your libraries will be doomed"
How SOL"
How so' Why, the very moment you
become familiar with our language you
begin to understand our intellectual supe-
riority. We have no need of written lam
guage, for the reason that our memories,
which are natural and uRpampered with
artificial aids, are infallible."
AN AWFUL WARNING.
But, dear, respected Mr.. Moses, the evil
dences of our civilization' Our steam en-
gines, our electrical contrivances-all the
wonderful inventions Of man-what have
you to say about them;"
'Poppycock," said the sacred ape
''Twiddle twaddie," and he spat contempt
uously through the bars OF MS cage
But our cities, our institutions, our
wealth, our power-what Of these"
They are all in your eye" said the
sacred ape composedly; 'phsntasms-im-
ages OF the brain. You are already on the
brink of destruction Your accommodations
of wealth will compass your overthrow,
and then you will be glad 10 come back 20
your parent stern-back TO Us, who possess
all wisdom. all happiness. all philosophy"