The Ketchum keystone. [volume] (Ketchum, Idaho) 1885-1899, 1892-04-30
THE FAT MANS so11LoQUY.

THB FAT MANS SOL1LOQUY.
There she goes againl There she
goes. I can't pick up newspaper, no
matter what its politics, but I'm bound
to come across an item headed: The Rat
Man Must Co. or The Fat Man in Fly
Time, or THE Fat Man is Nuisancer
"Of course I'm fat. I was built that
way. I'd been lean man if could,
but how could n l see 'em winking at
each other in the cars as enter, and they
nudge each other on the streets as pass
but what can do about ita Don't you
realize that when I hear one kid whisper
ing to another that the Great Eastern
has arrived, or that haystacks have taken
to walking out for exercise, that my fe
ings are hurtf 49,
"You all know how it is when l get
into street cart I'd be perfectly will
ing to pay three fares, but the conductor
won't take 'em. ! fall into a vacant scat
and the woman on my right pretends
that she is being smothered and has
something to say about old Murphy upat
the three hundred. She hasn't got through
when the man at my left crawls out from
under the ruins and wants to know why
don't hire sand barge and tug. 1
try to explain that I'm as innocent as a
canary bird of any intention to wrong
my fellow men and women but they
won't have it. Why, Sir, it was only the
other day that I got aboard Fourth
avenue car on Fourteenth street. The
three men who boosted me up the steps
will always be held IN grateful re-
membrapce. Also the conductor, who
helped me to turn sideways to get into
the door. There were two passengers on
one side and only one on the other, and
yet, sir, simply to hurt my sensitive feel
ings, the one passenger rose up and
said:
"'Have seat, sir have seat. I'm
just going to get off here
81 am always subscribing to newspapers
to help 'em buy ink and rollers and pay
off their hands Saturday night, and l
never meet an editor that don't offer to
write something to help him to fill up
with, but how am treated in return
yes, sir, howe Why, winter has no sooner
arrived than they hunt up and republlsh
that old item headed: "The Fat Man on
eIce.' I'm made to strike q slippery
spot in crossing City Hall park and l
claw the air-hat falls oG-heels 60 up
Indian Whoop, and down come kcr
swash and crack the asphalt for fifteen
feet around. Summer is hardly here be-
fore those same newspapers fish up and
republish that old yarn entitled: The
Fat Man and the Hammock and am
held up to ridicule again us paw around
in the grass and swallow my collar button.
~ like to walk over the bridge occa-
sionally, but my feelings have been hurt
until have given up the idea. no
sooner get to the planking than people
begin to whisper to each other, and every
body stops to sec if the bridge is gong
to stand the strain, and the wicked boys
call out that moving vans are expected
to take the roadway. It may tickle
somebody, but, e3ad, sir, that somebody
! isn't me.
"And there's the elevator boy. As if l
couldn't have enough piled on me as 1t is,
he takes every opportunity to make me
realize the situation. If want to go I'D
he asks the others to step out, and if l
want to 60 down he calmly reminds me
| that the cables are testeb for only five tons
| and that he will not be responsible for
accidents. I've had him stop between
floors and pretend that he felt the build
ing sinking eyes, sir, sinking-and his
sole object was to scare me into walking
down nine flights of stairsr'-M. Quad