The record-union. [volume] (Sacramento, Calif.) 1891-1903, 1892-08-06
HOFFMAN'S HUMOR.
Probably His Best-A Keen Bit Of
Sarcasm.
Writing a Book-Runn1ng the ssBig
Thing'' Mine-Classic Amuse-
ments of the Miners.
Especial Correspondence REcoRD-UNroS.l


great moral anonymous pamphlet en-
titled where Does the Dude Go TIC
! When He Dies?'' attending to affairs al
the mine and tying fresh rags on sore
thumb, but l shall endeavor to find time
for keeping my literary contracts un.
! broken. There are times when, to use ar
/ old and odious phrase, let all holts &c
and do not write anything for severa!
days, but such moral degeneracy ensues
that take up my pen again, out of sheer
pity for the brainy people who have in &
reckless moment acquired a habit Of
reading my works, and rapidly dash of
another dose. Sometimes my hand talters
and stumbles along as though it's legs
were hobbied, and my brain reels like &
drunken man who is very drunk, indeed
and then know that 1 have been think.
ing too much and have brought on al
attack of brain fag.
/ DO not have any new thoughts very
Often, but when they come they are
awiully intense, and shake my nervous
| system from Maine to California. from
Grass Valley to the sea! Sometimes
when rich, rare, racy, quaint, queer and
/ curious humorous thought strikes me
utter Shrlll shrek of delight and seize
my pen, and then sit down in state Of
collapse, with cold, clammy flood Of
| persplratlon ooZing from my pallid brow
1t is an awful thing to have so many
brains and such delicate, tangled-uL
mess Of nerves. / have met several
literary people who assured me they
never have an attack of brain fag, and
alter having read some of their works
guess they never will. They write very
| torclbly, some or them, sometimes stick
ing their pens clear through the paper.
| but their logic makes me think of water
running through garden hose without a
nozzle. Ii there were nozZles to some
writers their logic would be more con-
centrated, reach farther and do more
good. There are a great many people
VINO need nozzles to make them success
| ful. thought of this last time 1 was in
| sacramento, when l went out to the Plaza
| to see the fountain squirt
| There are some folks whom have met
who cannot understand subject so deli
cate as the generation of thought. who.
when they really think of something are
frightened, and are not sure that their
oralns nave sprung leak somewhere,
and never get accustomed to the evidence
OF thought in others. One of them came
! to see me in an accidental sort of way
| yesterday. He was out in the woods
| hunting for sorrel horse, ring boned all
! around, hlp-Shot and string-halted. and
smelled the bacon I was frying, for it
was nigh upon the hour of noon, at which
time feed my inner man. He came to
| the Shanty with pleased smile and made
himself familiar with the premises.
mere are great many, quite few, in
fact, who would not get the shadow of a
ghost.of consolation out of Grey's Elegy,
or Chllde Harold, or Thanatopsis, but
who can be dragged thousand miles on
| windy day by the smell of fried bacon.
This man was one of that sort, When
he had been filled with fried bacon. corn
dodgers, sop and black tea. he began to
ask questions. He wanted to know
where l came from, how old I was,
where was born, was my health good,
had any parents, what was my fathers
age, and what did / do for living. I
thought would satisfy him, and L an
Swered all his queries in a low, sweet.
unconscious voice, and assured him that
had come here to find nice place full
Of solitude and to write book.
ITO write book ~ he said, and I saw
that had impressed him wonderfully.
for he sat quite still, with an awed ex-
preston on his face, repeating it over
with little gaspS of amaZement: $50
write book! To write q book! To
write book! To write a-goodness gra-
ciousl I've hearn tell of fe1lers that writ
books. L got book at home. I can't
read it, cause amt much of hand at
readin', but ole Billy Holmes gal, she
kin read it, and she looks in it and reads
th' signs, and they tells her when to wean
the colts and calves and set the hens, and
when the sun comes up and sets, and the
moon, and the stars, and most every
thing. You kin look in that book and
find out what day of the year and the
week and the month. You kin, sure
Be you goin' to write that kind of a
book ?"
mo, no, my mentally obscured proto-
type of the average doorkeeper at a
country dance, L am writing a history Of
the rise and fall of the Long Tom and the
Chinese Po."
Jaw! Say, do you just think it all out
in your own head all by your own self?"
EYES,"
Don't your head ache?"
"No.n
"Don't it never get tired or nothin' ?"
"No"
Don't it ever ache at ALP"
"No.n
Nor never get tired at all? '
Nary ache?"
"NoD
Nary tired feelin'?"
"No."
Didn't it eUer ache?"
"No,n
''Never got tired?"
"Well, WELT 1 allus thought it would
make feller's head ache or get tired to
write a book. How long does it take to
write book ?'
Sometimes several years are re-
.quired.o
"Phew! Do you write all the time?''
"Nights?'
eyes"
"And days?"
stYesu
''Sundays?"
Yes-sometimes."
Don't your head ache?"
''No."
Nor git tired?"
''NeUer at aU?"
NEVER"
In that book l got-a man in a drug
store give 1t to me-there's pitcher of a
man settln' at a table holdin' his head in
his hans, and his head is tied up, and ole
Billy Holmes gal said it was in the book
that he had tired feelin', and T thought
mebbe he was the Teller that writ the
book. An your head don't ache, nor get
tired? Mebbe your head amt got much
ieelln' IN 1t; mebbe it's just like wooden
head"
When he was going away he looked at
me wlstfully, and said:
yout Hedu ever gifts TO achln, or
gifts tired, | got some YARDS at my house
thap!l do it good, mebbe It's awful good
for rheumatic, too"
Since my last meteorological report was
sent IN L have made several important
changes and Improvements at the Big
Thing Mine and have added a large
amount OF new and costly machinery, a
list of which 1 insert for the benefit of
DINERS VINO are thinking of following my
example. / also give the cost:
One wheelbarrow (new).....,. 60 90
Two picks new. ........- . %
One miners syringe. ~
One miners candle stick 00
One q fSnnc Il H., =