davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03

iouerate strongnOiu. ort Daring. and
the United States batteries at Harrison's
Landing were of frequent occurrence
1t was not often that the confederates'
shells did any harm but one dav a
"screamer" fell among a number of
officers who were seated before their
tents. John johnson, then an intelli-
gent young contraband and the ser
want of one of these officers, was
present. The shell rolled directly to
his feet.
Each one did his best to get away
from the neighborhood of the unwel-
come visitor, except johnson. He
stopped and attempted to roll the shell
toward the bankment. intending to
nurl it over into the ditch, but before
he could carry out his purpose it ex-
ploded.
The officers fastened back to where
the brave fellow had fallen, expecting
to find him dead. He was merely
stunned, however, and bore not the
slightest sign of having been wounded,
but after he had recovered it was seen
that the shock in some way had affect
ed his mind, although not enough to
make him unfit for duty.
Some time after this occurrence
johnson was court-martialed for some
thing he had done and found guilty.
The verdict of the court was sent to
General Grant for his approval. The
general, who knew of the shell Incl
dent, sent the verdict back with this
Endorsement:
Not approved. 'Bomb-proofs' are
not responsible"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
MAKING RAINBOWS IN WINDOWS.
Beautiful Effect of a Novelty Originated
by Partisan Mind.

An advertising novelty man of con-
Siderable prominence. from London.
England, who was in this city one day
last week told a friend here of seeing
q clever, eye-catching novelty that has
recently been originated in Paris. The
fact that it is not patentable and sim
pie makes it something which any
merchant can produce if he desires.
As described by the Londoner the
novelty is made simply by taking two
thin cakes of clear ice and placing
them on end in show window with
just enough space between them to adj
nit of suspending a jet of gas. or, bet
ter still, an electric light. AS people
in the street pass the window and look
at the illuminated ice it appears as
though succession of rainbow or
prisms of brilliant colors were radiat-
ing therefrom. The brilliancy of the
colors obtained and the scale of their
radiation depends on the thinness,
clearness, and grain of the ice. The
broader and longer the cakes of ice
the larger is the eXpanse of colors.
A similar though less brilliant effect
was obtained by one shopkeeper, whose
display the Londoner spoke of, by
standing two panes of glass side by
side, half or quarter of an inch apart,
then, after boxing up the ends with a
strips of glass or wood, filing the space
between the panes with finely cracked
ice and suspending an electric light or
gas-jet midway behind the continuance,
always taking care that the glasses are
entirely free from dust or dirt before
being used.
One firm in Paris-big dealers in
precious stones-made use of the ice
on an elaborate scale. Large sheets of
plate glass We're used and the cracked
ice was sown with hundreds of dia-
monds, sapphires, and rubies, thus
heightening the effect to a degree of
startling brillancy, the temperature
of the window being kept sufficiently
warm to prevent frost forming on the
glasses. The forming of light frost
on the glass case thus made is not
detrimental to gaining the desired eff
feet ordinarily, however, though it
needs but a thought to see that its
formation would prevent obtaining ad-
ditional effect from any precious stones
that might be placed within the case.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
Queer TranspOsitiOns.

Ludicrous mistakes are often made
by the transportation of words, sylla bles,
or letters by speakers, and many fine
bit of oratory is utterly ruined by
mistake of this kind. How could the
guests at the table be expected to
keep the faces straight" when an
after-dinner speaker said, in his care
fully prepared little speech: "Dickery
is the humorist and Thackens is the
satirist," and then, trying to correct
the blunder, said: Er-er-Thickery
is the satirist and Dackens is the
humorist." Or imagine, if one can,
the feelings of the chagrined minister
who said "tot and little" in the pulpit,
and in trying to correct himself said
"tit and jottle." Imagine, also, the
feelings of those who did not dare
laugh in meetin'." And it is said that
a Baltimore minister said most i'm
pressively: "He turned his eyeless
sightballs up to heaven" No one could
imagine what a certain speaker meant
when he said "Biddy diddy," and then
stopped, and after moment Of con-
fusion said "Diddy biddy," and, then,
with scarlet face and coldly perspiring
brow, gasped out, "Diddy hiddy biddy
doc" Then he had to sit down and
rest awhile before he could say, odd
he bid adieu." "How is your wife to-
day?" asked lady of a gentleman she
met on the horse-car. "She is some
better, thank you" "And has her in
flamaroomy toryism left her yetP"
Her infammatory rheumatism has
left her." replied the gentleman. Il
would like some nins and peedles,"
said lady at the small-wares counter
of a Boston dry-goods store. BEG
pardon, said the clerk, "nins and
poedles?" "Oh, pins and needles, l
mean. . Vide A1CnEe
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
A Study in Synonyms.

/ was asked by my sweetheart to mizzle, te
bulge.
: To cut sticks. TO make tracks. and to tramp
10 evaporate. to paddle. and trudge.
To yamoose, disappear, and decamp.
] was fiercely requested the double TO tip,
And the tw1g in at Wrinkle to hop,
And TO gallOp my rage. and my cable to slip.
To abscond. and to vanish kerfiop.
| was ordered to slope and TO seek fresh
lodge,
To avaunt to pack off. and to start,
To absquatulate. squattle, perambulate, dodge,
To diyergo, deliqueSce, and depart.
1 was Ne~"ed to make beef, and to speel, and
to guy,
An .u,ti,y, my mahoganieS slick,
And 10 leg it, and hook it, and step il, and
fly.
Yes to pike, sling, and trot double quick.
was pressed to embark, to weigh anchor. to
glide,
To withdraw. to move forward, to fit.
10 ascend Walkers bus, Shanks pony to
ride.
To aroynt me, TO quit, and to git.
I was hidden to clear, and to sheer, and to
steer;
But answered, with heart beating low
Il Ii do nothing so fearfully vulgar, my d1ar-
will merely, and mournfully, CO.
london FINN
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
HE WAS A PLAIN, UNLETTERED MAN.
But He Had Some Good Ideas About the
Management of Savages.

Capt. Thomas Byrne, or "Old Tom
N.Y." as he was affectionately called by
all his associates, had at one time
charge of the Hualpais, tribe of In
dian settled in Northwestern Arizona.
Old Tommy, perhaps from his "delud-
herin' tongue" had an almost mi
raculOus ascendency over the chiefs and
head men of this tribe. and, though
his native elOquence was seconded
only by the scantiest allowances of
ratiOns from the subsistence stores of
the camp, he was loved and trusted
by these childlike allies. To hear him
coaXing back sulky warrior to good
humor was something to be long re-
membered.
Come, now," he has been heard to
say, "shure, phat is the matter wild We?
Have yes liver aXed me for anythin'
that Oh didn't promise it to yez:?"
Yet Tommy's promises were always
kept.
Suddenly one day the Hual pals, like
flash of lightning out of clear sky,
went on the warpath and fired on the
agency buildings before leaving for
their old stronghold in the Canon of
the Colorado. No one knew the cause
Of their sudden treachery, and Tommy
Byrne was one of those who realized
how much it would cost Uncle Sam in
blood and treasure if the outbreak
We're hot stopped at once.
Without waiting for his spirited
little horse to be saddled he threw him
self across its back and swept out into
the hills after the fugitives. When the
Hualpias saw the cloud of dust COM
inc they blazed into it, but Tommy
was untouched, and dashed gallantly
up, his horse white with foam. to the
knot of chiefs who stood awaiting him.
At first the Indians were sullen, but
they soon melted enough to tell the
story of their grievances. The new
agent had been robbing them in the
most bal efaced manner, and in their
ignorance they imagined it to be Capt.
Byrhe's duty to regulate all the affairs
in his camp. They did not want to
hurt him and would let him 90 safely
back, but for them there was nothing
but the Warpath.
Come back with me-" said Tommy
gently,"I Will see that you are righted."
Back they went, following that one
Unarmed man. Straight to the beef
scales proceeded the officer, and in a
few minutes he had detected the man
ner in which false weight had been
secured by tampering with the poise.
A Texas steer, which would not weigh
more than 800 pounds, stood at LOO,
and of course other articles followed in
tie same ratio
Tommy seized upon the agency and
took charge; the Hualpais were per-
1cctly satisfied, and the agent left that
night for California. Thus was bitter
war &yerted by the prompt action of a
pain, unlettered man, who had no
ideas about managing savages beyond
that Of treating them with kindness
and Justice.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03

|. Yelled fifteen minutes without
taking breath. Uncle Will declares
solemnly that this is true statement.)
2. Pulled out enough hair from his
uncle's head and whiskers to stuff
sofa pillow.
g. Cracked the wall paper as high as
he could reach with the poker.
4. Broke stereoscope by sitting
down on it.
5. Swallowed six buttons and q good
part of a spool of thread.
6. Emptied the contents of his moth
er's work basket down the furnace
register.
7. Tried to squeeze the head of
cat into a tin cup and was scratched
badly in the attempt.
s. Knocked the head off fine wax
doll belonging to his older sister by
trying to drive tack into toy wagon
with it.
9. Fell off the edge of the whatnot,
and brought down with him two cost
ly vases, which were ruined.
10. Broke two panes Of window-glass
with a cane which uncle let him have.
II. Fell into a coal bod and spoiled
his new white dress.
y. Set fire to the carpet while uncle
was out of the room hunting up some
thing to amuse him.
10. Crawled under the bed and re-
fused@to come out unless uncle would
give him the molasses jug.
IA. Got twisted into the rungs of
chair, which had to be broken to get
him out.
10. Poured a pitcher of water into
his mothers best shoes.
10. Finally, when he saw his mother
coming, he ran out to the porch and
tumbled of the steps, making his nose
bleed and tearing hole foot square
in his dress.-St. LoujS Republic.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03

he looks so tired" Mrs. Wooden
We'll. | should think he might look
tired; he sat up all night thinking what
he'd y."-Bostom Courier.
Petted daughter-"They asked me
to play at Mrs. Highupp's this even
ing, and | did; but" Fond mother
(proudly) = Were they not en-
tranced?" Petted daughter Hum.
When | played Life on the Ocean
Wave with variations half of them
left the room" Fond mother Cen
Enthusiastically = That's wonderful!
They must have been seasick." N. Y.
Weekly.
Jinks-"By George! I've struck it.
I'll be rich in five years" Winks-
"What at?" Going to start an intel
ligencc office?" "Hah! Nothing new
about that" wait till you see me.
III have a regular line of cabs, and
send EN- around every morning to all
my customers "What for?" ITO
leave a fresh girl and take yesterdays
girl away. Just think of it! For the
mistresses, a new girl every morning;
for the girls, a new place every day.
There's millions in it."-PucE.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
HUMAN NATURE,
A Heartless Man Trifies with it and Has
Little Quiet Fun.

There was a man at the Wabash
depot the other afternoon who took a
s. bill out of his vest pocket and
spread it out on his knee and attentive
ly examined it. Then he took it over
to the window and held it to the pane
of glass and examined it still more
critically. Then he went back to his
seat and said to the man on his right,
who had become much interested, to-
gether with half a dozen others.
We'll they say there has got to be
first time with everybody, but |
thought had travelled far enough to
cut my eye teeth"
Got stuck, eh?" queried the other,
as he reached for the bill. We'll, you
are not so much to blame. That bill is
pretty well gotten up
yes, fairly well, but feel of it. Does
it feel like genuine greenback to
you?"
80. it doesn't. though l should
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03

never nave stopped to feel OF 1t. can
see how that it is rougher and coarser."
They might have passed that off on
me in the night" said second man
who took up the bill, "but never by
daylight. should have spotted it at
once"
Pretty well executed, isn't it?"
queried the owner.
Il don't think so. The inks used were
not first class, and the printing is bad.
l could tell it was queer, even if held
out at arms length"
Counterfeit, eh?" said the third
man. as he took the bill in his hands.
wall, now, l call that pooty well
done. I'd taken that bill anywhar'
fur a good one."
IF somebody didn't take 'em fer
good" said a man with a pair of steel
bowed spectacles on, as he Joined the
group, "the counterfeiters couldn't
make living. There are plenty Of
yahoos still alive"
"Are you calm me a yahoo?" de-
manded the third man.
I'm only speaking in general way.
I'd have spotted that bill among
thousand. Just one look at the back
of it is enough for me. Where'd you
get it?"
Cant TELL" solemnly replied the
owner.
You ought to be more careful"
"Yes, know"
"What are you going to do with it?~
81 think I'll try and pass it off on
some one. Let's see if the ticket man
will drop to it."
He advanced to the widow, bought
ticket for a town fifty miles down
the road, and the ticket man pulled in
the bill made change like chain light
ming. Twenty people were watching,
and each drew long breath and
opened his eyes. The owner of the
bill coolly pocketed the change and
ticket and calmly sat down and open
ed newspaper and began to read. 1t
was some time before the crowd tum-
bled to the fact that it had been guy
ed. Then one by one, they sneaked
around or went out for fresh air. All
but one. 1t was the man who re-
sented being called yahoo. He went
over to the joker with grin on his
face, slapped him on the back in
hearty way, and said:
at was good joke, and it's jest
such adventures us this that make
travellin' around ALTERED pleasanter
to me! Come out and have some
lemonaden -DetrOU Free Press.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
LOVE GROWN COLD AND DICTATED.
A Perfidious Mans Expedient to Cause
the Breaking of an Engagement.

The typewriter girl in the Richelieu
looked up from her machine yesterday
afternoon and remarked to the Herdld's
hotel lounger:
Il have been playing a very impor-
tant part in very interesting rom
ance."
ooh, you haveP"
eyes, / have"
"What's it about?"
"Love, of course. What do you sup
pose!"
and were you one of the princi-
pals?"
"Well-yes, think l did the most
important part. You see there were
four of us"
Double wedding?"
mo, not double wedding there
isn't any wedding yet. Wait. There
were four of us-three girls and one
young man. The young man lives
here at the Rchelieu. He hasn't been
in the city long. He came here from
a certain town in Connecticut whose
name | won't mention. He is nice
young man and very wealthy, or at
least his family back in Connecticut
is wealthy. When he came here he
was engaged to young lady in his
own home. But he didn't love her.
He didn't love any one until he came
here"
"And met y"
"Wait a minute! This engagement
was one of those family affairs ar
ranged by the parents of the young
folks-you know how such things 90
played together as babies, romped as
children, went to school together,
fathers old chums, mothers old school
mates, both families wealthy, and so
the young couple become engaged.
You know how such things go"
ooh, yes"
"Well, as | say, this young man
didn't love her. After he came here
they correspondent. Then the young
man met his ideal here in Chicago, and
fell in love with her. You can i'm
aglne in what a quandary he was
placed already engaged, and then to
fall in love. Finally he hit upon way
to break off his engagement, and to do
it h6norably. He came to me and
dictated letter to her-just an ordin-
airy love letter just as he had been
writing to her, l presume. 1t was
hard work and nearly exhausted and
quite enervated me, but I finished it
and marked it dictated and he signed
his name, and it was posted off to the
poor girl down in Connecticut. In
few days he came back again and
said: That wouldn't work. She just
scolded-thag's all SO he dictated
another on the same sort. Now, you
know no girl could endure two dictat-
ed typewriter love letters, and 50 she,
being insulted, broke the engagement.
And now he is free to marry the girl
he loves"
(Which is -"
"a young lady way down the boule-
ward here. This is the third girl in
the affair, you see. And now the story
having reached Connecticut, her fam
lily is furious, and his, | hear, refuse
to give him any money whatever"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
MATRIMONIAL WAYS IN WYOMING.
How the Knot Was Tied by Frontier
Justice of the Peace.

Camping near town in Wyoming
we secured our stock and went in.
Entering the leading store of the town
[ introduced myself to Mr.. Stiles one of
the proprietors, and the Postmaster
Stiles said: Its now half-past 2 and
at 3 there's wedding at Jonas Bur-
tons. Old Jonas is rough old coon
that we elected Justice of the Peace
about month ago, and as this will be
his hrSt attempt at a marriage | think
we will see some fun; come, 90 with
me-" We went into the old 'Squire's
cabin and found him porting over a
large volume of the Statutes of Wyom-
ING, sweating like horse and looking
terribly anxious. After greeting us he
said:
STILES. them galootes that got up
these yer laws hadn't gumption enough
to last 'em over night I've run
through the blamed books half dc zen
times, an can't find a word about
matermony or how the hitchin' pro-
cess is perceded with. I've just got to
put the clamps on this ere couple hit
er miss, eff l don't yoke 'em up legal l
can't help it"
Stiles explained to him about how to
proceed, and the old man finally
thought he could worry through in
tolerable shape.
Ere long the couple appeared, fol-
lowed by crowd of citizens of the
camp. The candidates stood before the
Squire, who began:
"Feller-citizens, this yer man and
this yer woman have appeared before
the court to be hitched in the legal
bands of wedlock! If any galoot in the
mob knows of anything that might
block the game if tuck to a higher
court let him tOot his bazoo or else
keep his jaw to himself now and for
ever more. All in favor of my pro-
ceeding as authorized by law say L"
Everybody said Il"
Contrary, No"
Nobody said NO"
"The motions carried unanimously.
an the court rules that there hain't
nothing to prevent the trying of the
case"
Now" said the Squire, grip your
fms"
The candidates joined hands
Amos Peabody, do YOU solemnly
sWaar that yell freeze to Mandy for
ever, and pervide for her, and treat her
squar, and white, accordin' to the rules
and regulations sot down to govern
sich cases in the laws o. the United
States, so help you God?"
"Ya> sir, DO sir"
That fixes your end of the bargain"
MANDY Thomas, do you solemnlv
swaar that you'll hang on to Amos for
all comm time; that you'll nuss him
in sickness, and be square to him in
Wellness; that yell always be to him
good, true, honest up and mp wife,
under the penalties prescribed by the
laws for the punishment of SIGH
offences? D. you swar this, so help
yer God?"
Il swaar | will"
"Then, by the power in me vested
as Justice of the Peace in and for this
precinct, pronounce you, Amos Pea
body, husband, and you, Mandy
Thomas, wife, and legalize We to re-
main SIGH now and forevermore; an
yell stand committed till the fees and
costs in the case are paid in full an
may God have mercy on your souls
an bless this union with his hcftiest
bleSsin s."
The fees and costs were adjusted,
and the newly made husband and wife,
after receiving the congratulations of
the assembly, departed for their cabin
up the creek.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
Divorce in kamrland.

The divorce contagion has reached
Kaffirland. Not long ago chief in
voked the assistance Of the law to en-
able him to dispense with a wife on
the following grounds of complaints:
wife talk too much with neighbors;
too much paint face and eyebrows; too
much snOre in sleep: too much loss,
ard too much no good" And yet the
Katfir cannot acquire the graces of
CT, M.zaa..m
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
Photography Of Criminals Hair.

DIR. Jeserich has been making
special study of the photography of the
hair of criminals, and in the case of
the recent arrest of Bertcnsse ac-
cused of murder the doctor promptly
satisfied the police that the prisoner
was not their man by the comparison
of two hair photographs. Dr. jesse
rich's ink photographs are said now to
be among the most valued Instruments
for the detection of forgeries Clever
as criminals are, science seems to keep
pace Wit.l them.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
A Matter OF Pride.
all Bow wanter take gas. "

Small Boy wanter take gas"
Dentist-''It is not usual to admin
lister gas for milk tooth, my boy. 1t
won't hurt but an instant"
You've gotter gimme gas or won't
have it pulled"
You shouldn't be so afraid of being
hurt. Now sit right up here like a
little man"
Il amt 'fraid of bein' hurt. Tain't
that. I'm afraid | can't help giyin' a
screech when it comes out"
That won't matter"
Yes. it will. too. All tn boys wot
I've ever licked is waitin' under tn
winder to hear me holler. y Good
NelCS.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
Amber in Old Times.

During the reign of Nero an expe-
petition was sent from Rome to ex-
plore the amber-producing country,
and SO successful was the party that a
present OF 1900 pounds OF amber was
brought back to the emperor, includ-
ing piece weighing thirteen pounds.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
REMEMBERED BY GRANT.
A Former Act of Bravery Saves Negro
from Punishment.

John johnson, better known as
''Bomb-proof,n demented but per-
fectly harmless negro, is dead, says
the n. Y. Times. He was well known
IN Grand Army circles and had lived
by the charities of Grand Army men
for the last twenty years.
johnson received his queer sobri
quet, "Bomb-proof," from General
Grant. When the union troops were
making their approach toward Rich
mond artillery duels between the con-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03
Old Pensioners at Detroit.

One widow of a revolutionary soldier
and seventeen survivors of the war of
1872 draw pensions at the Detroit
office
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-03-03

A gold coin loses ) per cent of it's
value in sixteen years of constant use.