Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1892-12-15
TAX REFORM DEPARTMENT.
OUR NEW ASSESSOR.
He Was Too Jealous, and Did His Duty
Too Well.

Too Well.
We had always thought that as a
community, we, the people OF Cross
Roads Town, would be entirely happy
if we could secure as assessor and tax
collector an honest. reliable and zeal
Gus official We see our mistake now
our happiness was all in pursuit and
not in possession. We have the model
official, and we are more unhappy than
we were.
The only fault we have to find with
him is that he is too jealous higgins
swung a new sign outside Of his grocery
store the other day. and our assessor,
whose name is higgins, happened along
higgins had painted it, and he was flat
tered with higgins evident admiration,
until he (Miggins) asked him for three
dollars
three dollars. What's that for?''
''Oh, that's the tax on signs. you
know?''
higgins paid it but he swears he'll
get even with higgins on weight
Farmer Jones was building a hen
coop last week, when higgins swept
down on the unconscious Jones
"Ah, that's a nice hen coop. Cost
quite little sum, should imagine"
"Oh, yes,'' said Jones But l don't
mind the expense
mo; and besides it's good thing for
the town." said higgins 1.-Two dol
lars, please. / have to make my report
this afternoon, and it's well to have it
all in"
Two dollarsr' exclaimed Jones, in
CONSERVATION.
Yes; that's the town tax on hen
coops, you know; we thought we'd
make it light for you. The streets are
to be graded. and the town is growing.
Is that your little daughter coming up
the road? What a pretty child! And
that's little lamb she has with her? Is
it yours? Really. 1 didn't know it be-
longed to you. Twenty-Five cents. please.
That's the tax on sheep per head.
Il am going up to Boggs now to col
lect. had little trouple with Boggs
yesterday. He was moving his house
from one lot to another. 1 charged him
with three separate assessments-the
lot from which the house went, the lot
to which it was going, and the house
midway between them. He objected on
the ground that this made his taxes
to be. ! said an assessor was bound
to take things as he found them, and
that's the way l found them. 1t was
not my fault: had to co my duty. 1
assure you he was quite violent Good
day."
And higgins hurried down the road
The other day he wanted TO tax the
Widow Higgins on the elegant rose
wood coffin in which her husband was
buried, but we reasoned with and told
him it was really not her coffin, but
his; and that she could not be assessed
on what did not belong TO hcrSand that
it was obviously impossible to levy on
Higgins 1t did not seem reasonable to
our assessor tina: dead man should
not pay for luXu-ies OF that kind But,
it IS no use TO reason with higgins He
is too faithful an official for that
He wants to do his duty. He started
out fo- Mrs. Smiths when he heard
that lady had twins. under the i'm
preston that he could collect from her
under the poll tax He was with diff
cuty Gissuaded from this
Nobody in the village owns anything
nowadays Under the argus eye of
higgins. wealth is rapidly disappearing
carriages are wheeling out of town,
the profits of the cigar mandatory
have seemingly all disappeared in
smoke. our town matchmaker is work
ing on hait time, the booksellers trade
is all bound up, and the giimmerings of
q candle factory have gone out entire
".
We are looking around for a less zeal
Gus assessor. higgins is just too faithful.
He does his duty too well.
JOSEPH DANA MILLER