Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1892-03-30
NAPOLEON'S WOOING.

deed born to misfortune like the |
sparks that flew upward.
For forty years he had titled the
stony, stubby little farm which at Its
best had never yielded its owner more
than a precarious living, and now at
the age of 60 he was alone in the
world, having a few months pre-
viously buried his third wife.
Whether it was owing to an inner
ent delicacy Of constitution, lack Of
and tenderness on his
part, or too continuous diet OF
stewed yellow eyed Deans and pork,
we are unable to determine, but for
some mysterious reason Napoleon's
wives refused to thrive on his hands,
and dropped and pined away, one
after another, until he was almost
convinced that in his case marriage
was failure.
That he had beer his own house
keeper for a period of seven mouths,
every room and closet in the drcary
old farmhouse bore evidence, and the
numerous scars on his hands and arms,
testified to the burns and scalds he
had received during his cooking oper'
ations.
Fer Napoleon was peculiarly I'M
fortunate in his culinary experiments.
II after serious reflection, he decided
that he could afford small roast tor
the Sunday dinner. to which he in
variably invited his old crony, lothian
Sparks, that roast-so tenderly
watched and jealousy guarded for
hours-was in the end temporarily
forgotten, while Napoleon was Crap
pling with the biscuit problem, and
burned to a blackened crisp.
He baked beans without pork, for
got to put the meat in his soups, or
the salt and pepper in his vegetable
hash; left out the sweetening from
his apple pies, the salt from his but
ter, the eggs from his custards, and
wondered why he had no appetite.
After a multitude of disastrous fail
ures similar to the ones we have re-
corded, Napoleon resolved he would,
from motives Of economy and other
wise, contine himself exclusively to
diet of -four biscuit hot from the oven,
alternating with such relishes as mo-
lasses, fried pork fat, and the un-
savory production which once in four
weeks he churned, and spanked and
patted with his big, hairy hands, and
designated as ."butter."
Three times day regularly, Napo-
leon produced a small wooden dough
dish, and after mixing together sour
milk, saleratus and -four, toiled and
sweated over the sticky mass until it
went into the oven huge, unsIghtly
Jumps of spotted dough, and came
out the same.
1t might have been the legitimate
result of eating his own hot biscuit,
but within few weeks he had deyel-
oped into a gloomy pessimist- He
neglected the poultry and stock, al
| lowed the weeds TO flourish In the
garden, and seemed to have lost all
interest in life.
Everything went wrong with Napo-
| leon. The old COW went dry three
months earlier than usual, and the
| two-year-old heifer choked to death in
! her stall. As natural sequence, his
groans and signs became louder and
| more frequent.
Thirty hens and two roosteTs cackled
shrilly from morn to till night, and
though he crawled under the barn on
his hands and knees at the risk Of a
personal introduction to skunk who
made his headquarters there, and
/ climbed ladders to the highest scaf-
folds at the risk of breaking bis neck,
not solitary egg gladdened his anx-
ious eyes.
One morning his friend and SYM
pathizer, Uncle lothian Sparks, called
before breakfast to borrow rake.
"Jest hevin' bite, hey?" OBJ
served Uncle lothian, his eyes wan
dering to the bare pine table adorned
by tin of steaming yellow biscuit.
"Ya-a-s," answered Napoleon in a
dissatisfied tone, "Im tryin' to heat
a drop O water to make a cup O. Tea
to go with them ere biscuits. Won't
you hev biscuit, Jotham?"
"N-no-no," responded lothian with
alacrity ''Thanky, I've been to
breakfast an hour ago"
II know it's late" sighed Napoleon,
but I've had regular tussle to heat
this dipper o. water. / broke my tea
kettle by pourin' cold water in il
when it was red hot, and 1 hain't had
any tea-kettle to use all summer. 1t:
terrible hard for man that haiu't
never been used to putterin' round
the house to do thoir own cookin' ane
housework."
sIt must be, vum," said lothian
and he edged away to an open win
dow to avoid an offensive odor thai
arose from 4 bean pot on the stove
hearth.
lothian" said he solemnly
"Jotham, amt you seen, can't yol
see that I'm fallin' from the crust?'
lothian shook his head mournfull.
as he stopped to light his pipe.
"Yes, Napoleon, I've seen all sum
mer that you've been failin'; you'v,
grown old, and thin, and gray, ant
bent over, and don't look much lik
the man you was a year ago."
"Do you think I'm pinted for tn,
grave, Jotham?" he groaned.
''No;" said he bluntly, ''but you
won't live six months unless you ge,
some woman here to cook your vittles
and do your washin', and keep the
house wholesome. Why don't you
hire woman, and pay her so much q
week"
81 couldn't afford it, all the income
git from the farm wouldn't pay her
wages think myself, not relishin
my vittles has something to do with
mo ophapny fellipa',n -