Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1892-11-03
ALL FOR SCIENCE.

A few years ago the Magruders lived
in Bedford, and Mrs Magruder, who
was an enthusiastic amateur doctor,
used to teach a class of female friends
the rudiments of physiology. AT that
time Magruder was in business, and as
he generally came home tired he had a
habit Of lying on the up stairs sitting
room sofa in the evening for the pur-
pose of taking nap.
Several times when he did so and Mrs.
I Magruder had some friends with her
down stairs he noticed upon awaking
that there was peculiar heaviness in
his head and queer smell Of drugs in
The room. When be questioned Mrs
Magruder abont it she invariably col
ored and looked confused and said he
must have eaten something which had
disagreed with him.
Ultimately the suspicious Of Magruder
were aroused. He suspected something
wrong. a horrible thought crossed his
mind that Mrs Magruder intended to
poison him for his skeleton sacrifice
him so that she could dangle his bones
on a string before her class, and explain
to the seekers after medical truth the
peculiarities of construction which en-
abled the framework Of her husband to
move in society.
So Magruder revealed his suspicious
to his brother, and engaged to secrete
himself in a cupboard in the room while
he took his usual nap on a certain even
ing upon the sofa.
When that night arrived Mrs. Ma
gruder pretended to have sewing cir
Gle" in the parlor, while her husband
went to sleep up stairs III the sitting
room with that vigilant relative of his
on guard.
About o'clock Mr.. Magruder's broth
er was surprised to observe Mrs. Ma
gruder softly stealing upstairs. with the
members Of the sewing circle" follow
ing her noiselessly in single file. In her
hand Mrs. Magruder carried volume.
If her brother-in-lav had conceived the
idea that the book might contain the
tender strains Of some sweet singer
amid whose glowing imagery this wom-
an reveled with tie ecstasy of a SEN
sitive nature, he would have been mis-
taken, for the work was entitled
Thompson on the Nervous System"
| while those lines traced in delicate fe-
male hand upon the perfumed note
paper carried by Mrs. Magruder, so far
from embodying an expression of the
gentlest and most sacred emotions of her
bosom, were merely diagnosis of an
aggravated case of fatty degeneration of
the heart.
When the whole party had entered
the room Mrs. Magrgder closed the door
and applied xsl4ltsr Ia IL lap, hllsl,and's
ne-r. As soon as lAe fbecas,rts com Isis.ol--
insensible the sewinglin the hands of the
ladies. was quickly laid aside, and to Ma
gruder's secreted brother was disclosed
the alarming fact that this was her class.
Mrs. Magruder began her lecture with
some very able remarks upon the
nervous system, and in order to demon
strate her meaning more plainly she at
tached a galvanic battery to her hus-
bands toes so that she might make him
wriggle before the class. And he did
wriggle. Mrs. Magruder gave him a
dozen or two shocks and poked him with
a ruler to make him jump, while the
others stood in semicircle with note
books in their hands and exclaimed.
How very interesting."
Magruder's brother thought it awful,
but he was afraid to come out when he
reflected that they might want two
skeletons Mrs. Magruder then said
that she would pursue this branch of
the investigation no further at that mo-
ment, because Mr.. Magruders system
was somewhat debilitated in conse
quence of an overdose of chlorate of
potash, which she had administered
in his coffee upon the previous day for
the purpose of testing the strength of
the drug.
Mrs. Magruder then proceeded to
quiz the class concerning the general
construction of her husband. She said,
for instance, that she had won what was
called the heart of Mr.. Magruder, and
she asked the students what it was that
she had really won.
why, the cardia, of course, said the
class. 1T is an azygous muscle Of
an irregular pyramid shape, situated
obliqndly and little to the left side of
the chest, and it rests on the dia-
phragm."
One fair young thing said that it did
not rest on the diaphragm. Another one
said she would bet quart Of paregoric
it did, and until the dispute was settled
by the professor Magruder's brothers
hair stood on end with fear lest they
should go to probing inside of Magruder
with butchers knife and lantern for
the purpose Of determining the actual
condition of affairs respecting his dia-
phragm.
Mrs. Magruder continued. She ex-
planned that when she accepted Mr..
Magruder he seized her hand, and she
required the class to explain what it
was that Mr.. Magruder actually had
hold Of.
The students replied that he held in
his grip twenty-seven distinct bones,
among which might be mentioned the
phalanges, the carpus and the meta
carpus. The beautiful creature who was
incredulous concerning the diaphragm
suggested that lie also had hold of the
deltoid. But the others scornfully sug-
gested that the delteid was muscle.
The discussion became SO exciting that
lancets were drawn, and there seemed
to be prospect of bloodshed when the
teacher interfered and demanded Of the
girl who had begun to cry about the
deltoid what was the result when Mr..
Magruder kissed her.
"Why, merely a contraction Of the
orbicularis oris muscle, thus" said the
student as sue leaned over and kissed
Mr.. Magruder.
Magruder's brother in the cupboard
thought maybe it wasn't 50 very solemn
for Mr.. Magruder after all. He con
sidered this portion Of the exercises in a
certain sense soothing. But all the stu
dents said it was perfectly scandalous,
and Mrs. Magrnder. after informing the
offender that hereafter when illustration
Of any point Of the lesson was needed il
would be supplied by herself, ordered
her to go to the foot Of the class and to
learn eighty new bones as a punish
ment.
do you hear me, miss!" demanded
Mrs. Magruder when she perceived that