The record-union. [volume] (Sacramento, Calif.) 1891-1903, 1892-07-30
HOFFMAN'O PHILOSOPHY.
How He is Spending His Time at
the Big Thing Mine.
a Mothers Anxiety to Know Whether
Her 4-Year Old Boy VIII Grow Up
to be a Smart Man.

her Az ear old Boy VIII GROW Up
to be a Smart Man.
Especial Correspondence REcoRD-UNIoNl
Within the last few days / have received
several letters from unknown friends
who, not having seen my name in the
RECoRD-U UNION for several months,
fondly imagined had gone to the happy
hunting grounds, where the wicked
seize the bakery and the weary are ar
rested. They were very glad, they wrote,
that l had escaped death and disorder,
and hoped that heuceforth 1 would not
again lay down my pen. They wished
me success in my efforts to wrest a for
tune from the Big Thing mine, and
hoped l would, when | had logged home
few millions of dollars worth of raw
gold, remember those who, in my days
Of poverty, had hidden me godspeed, en-
couraged me with kindly words and
laughed at some of my poor jokes. To
nearly all these kind friends 1 have re-
piled by private conveyance postal cards
and telegraph. The following letter,
which was apparently written in good
faith. deserves more elaborate and eX-
| tended reply:
SESPE, Ventura Co., July 10th, 1899.
UT. 4. Y. Ifo6HIaf,-DEAR SIR on must ex-
cuse me Tor taking so mulch liberty, as 1 no
you are so bisy, but want you 70 tell me
something that is near to my heart. and no
you will tell me and not fool q poor woman
who has to work hard for her relations that
comes 70 visit her and don't do nothing but
eat and litter up the house and make fun of
her because she amt smart like her hus-
! bands relations that noes how to bum their
! living OF of their relations. l think if per-
sflI
seem TO never no when TO go home, but has TO
! be told, and then gifts mad ami talks behind
! your back il amt u Christian way to do, but
! some people no does 1T and they amt a
! 1000 miles nom where l live nuther. But
| this amt what wanted to tell you. but when
| l get 10 thinking it makes me so mad and l
! feel so sick that just want to lay down and
! Die and go away TO some place where they
! Won never tru8ble me no more. | am q
/ marrid woman and have got a husbin and
| his folks think he made mistake when he
marrid me and he is awful ielils when he
! catches me writing to other men, but | dOu't
! think there IS any harm III 1t II they are old
! homely men 10 you. l no my husbin tiiris
! with other Wimmn but I amt ieilis. But
/ that amt what wanted TO tell you about 1
! want you TO give me some good advise be-
! cause / have gotta little boy tore years ola and
| I think he is q awful smart little boy but my
! husbin says he is a igiot, because the Jokes
/ say lac don't look like mis- father but like
! somebody else but don't YOU believe it.
! Now what I want TO nc is this can you tell me
1 of any signs that boy makes when he is
!
! you ever nakeauy signs that you Wud grow up
/ INTO q smart man, and if so what was tlay? I
know it amt right for me to truDbel you but I
/ am world 10 deth almost about my boy and
/ no you win tell me the truth because you used
! 10 be q boy yourself and I don't like to ask any
( other else person and when ] ask nay husbin
! he thrOeS his noes into the air and goes out of
! dores and if my boy is going TO grow uD into
/ smart man l want TO give him a good edgeca-
! shun but ii he IS a-going to be like some of his
! relations that ! 10 l may as well save
/ my money and put 1t into sum hogs. l can
/ gil snotes real cheap now. My boy is fore
! years old his eyes is blue and he WAYS So
! pounds and is still groan and his name il is
! peter. He can say his letters if he wants 10
! but he don't seem to care for Buks or papers
! he Just sets on the fore all day and breathes
( ana WlggleS ms toes ana thinks. Foxes say
/ he has got to mulch branes Tor his Body but
! he is his mutturs own boy and his heart is in
! the right place.
Please auser this Letter and exsuse me COR
| trubbeling you but l want to know if my boy
! is going to grow up into a smart man and if
he amt can you tell me how l can make him
smart. II you ever come down here you must
stop at our house and III make you sum
apple dumplins but apples is awful HE now.
| Yours TRULY Mrs. CAROLINE SMITH
2. S. Excuse bad spelling and wiring
| P. p. s. This is the longest Letter ever rote.
C.S
Mrs. Smith has my earnest sympathy,
and if it would do her any good, or be of
/ any use to her in any way whatever, [
would send her my autograph, but it
would, perhaps, avail nothing good for
either OF us. Once upon a time / sent
my autograph to a woman who had a
! jealous husband, and came very near not
! having any use for it any more; very
near, in fact, to having use for nice little
| epitaph with cute little lamb on top, or
something of that sort, suggestive of in
| nocence. 1t makes me nervous yet, some
! times, when L see strange men with shot
! guns and belts filled with cartridges,
stalking through the fields and meadows
as though they were looking for some
sort of small game in the stubble. When
one does a kind act for person and is
then compelled to go forth hurriedly into
| the cold, pitileSS world and play Wander
| ing Jew because there is an irate hus-
band on ones spoor, and following it up
at a TidiculOusly rapid rate, life doesn't
appear SO full of joyous hilarity as it used
to be. This is why | am taking this
means of answering Mrs. Smiths letter.
| may happen along at her house some
! day, and it is not my desire to be sud-
! denly and surreptitiously shot so full of
holes that it will be necessary to put a
| bandage around myself in order that I
may keep on the outside of hot apple
! dumplings. When apples are so high
one should endeavor to save the dump
llngs, anyway.
am sure my sympathy for Mrs. Smith
| is not bogus, for | have been in the same
boat, and know how vexatious it is to
! have relations, who are distant in more
ways than two, come for visit, and be-
cause they can digest their victuals, hang
| on to the house like fool dog to a root
and laugh in their night-gowns because
| you have not the heart to fire them out.
bag and baggage, at the end of the first
| week. / know how Mrs, Smith feels
about it, and l know how Mrs Smiths
! relations feel about it. People who be-
come ones relations when one marries
into the family are generally the most te-
| naclous and soul-destrOying. Perhaps
| they are anxious to patronize you, and
convince you that they are not so much
ashamed of you as they might be, so they
| come to your house, and eat and eat and
eat, and keep your weary legs on the
| trot, like mikman's pump-handle, and
! when you are about to give up the ghost
| they go away to avoid the funeral orgies
that would ensue if they remained any
| longer, and when they are away they
wonder audibly what their relative saw
| in you that made matrimony desirable
] am not a woman, but the good Lord
gave me eyes, and [ have seen all these
| things thousand times, and seeing was
| amazed.
1t is not nice task to tell ones rela-
tives' relations that the fresh bloom of
novelty which they wore when they first
came has rubbed off, and that familiarity
has bred contempt; it is not pleasant to
ask them whether or not they have seen
| all there is in the house to see, heard all
there is to be heard, found all the fault
there is to be found, and eaten up all
| thara iS To ir1alnHi1,Cr 10