Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1892-09-13
BADLY BROKEN UP
BY THE CHOLERA SCARE AND ANXIOUS TO
TORlIFY Els SYSTEM
Against the Cholera Microbes, He Fell an Easy
Prey TO a Williams Wiles-A Fall nom Grace
Before de had Chance to Sober Up
His Wife. Discovered His Condition,
and Then There was q Circus.
" Y Herald


break a man up about as eHectuaiIy as
IN attck of cholera itself.
A Few weeks ago Mr.. Smith was con-
tinually being mistaken for Grover
Cleveland, whom he much resembles In
form and face, and now he looks Ike
man destitute Of hope, and is soreduced
IN flesh that the undertakers come out
of their lairs and gaze wonderingly after
his retreating form when he passes
down Madison avenue, where he resides
In a fine house.
As soon as 10 seemed probable that
The cholera micrObe contemplated max
Ing a professional tour through the
United States, Mr.. II. Clay Smith went
Into training under the direction or DR..
Knowitall. his family physician. In adj
5ition TO specifics, Or. KnOwitall insists
shat lie order TO successfully dodge the
eyasive germ q person should subsist al
together on soft boiled water, oatmeal
and other cereals. When a man like
Mr. I'll. Clay Smith, whose appetite and
'drinkatite," to coin word, have been
up 20 high water mark, subjects his d.
gestive facilities TO such treatment, IL
shows that be was pretty badly scared.
And so he was.
Mrs. Smith, whose fighting weight IS
about ninety-fye pounds, has never
been afraid of anybody or anything IN
her life. She ridiculed her husbands
fears. That having no effect she tried
10 reason with him. She reminded him
that the cholera might never get a foot
hold in New York, and even II IL did 1t
might never become epidemic.
COMMUNAL SARCASM.
sarah" said Mr. Smith sOlemnly,
some case OF cholera is an entire cpl
demic TO the man who gets IL.
ut is great pity, Henry, that there
are not more common sense germs hoat-
ing around in the air, so you could cap
ture a few. You need them badly.
You should have your mental faculties
taken out, readjusted and put back
again. There is something the matter
with them"
"Dr Knowitall knows what he is
about. Don't you remember how he
cured me of a fever got in the White
Mountains last SUMNER"
bah! he'll be the death OF you yet.
About the only fever he can cure IS
life's ftiul fever" replied Sarah scorn-
fully.
"Don't worry about me. I'm all
right" said Mr.. Smith, guiping down a
large goblet of boiled water
you are getting thinner every day.
II you keep on after awhile you will re-
mind people Of Lew DOckstader and his
misft suit. IL you are so afraid OF the
cholera coming into New York why
don't you go into the country and stay
there until il is Over?" asked Mrs.
Smith.
Eyes, and die without medical assist
ance. No. thank you,
''Weu, all I know is that II / was go
ing to commit suicide I'd choose some
less painful way than starving 70 death.
But people who will not take good ad-
vice can't be helped, 4" and Mrs. Smfth
dOunced out Of the room.
A few days after the MOravia ar
rived in New York, Mr.. Smith met on
q Third avenue elevated car a well
known man about town, Colonel Blarny
Gabber, who is one OF the most remark
able men In New York. He is past
grandmother in the art OF lying and a
great brag. His principal occupation,
to use one of Hungry JOe'S" express
sions, is "laying for suckers" He has
had q good deal of hard luck lately, as
most of his clients have been in Eu-
rope. He hasn't landed sucker In
months. His skill in borrowing money
is such that he has been credited with
hypnotic powers.
BATTING THE HOOK.
When he saw Smith he SMILED, and
Shaping him on the back asked him what
allied him. Smith told him of his prep
aratiOns 70 put the cholera germ In
hole TO case 10 should land.
smith" said Gabber, sOlmnly, "yOu
are q doomed man."
"What makes you think sop asked
Smith, nervOuSly.
''YOu are really urging the cholera
microbe to jump on you"
"Eh?"
Gan disease is caused By microbes.
There are 7O4 kinds OF them in the air,
and they are always on the loo Out for
men who are run down. What do you
drink?"
water"
cit was through water that the chol-
era got into Hamburg. One drop OF
water contains millions Of bacteria"
"But ] boil it ="
That only exasperates the microbes
makes them more vicious"
"Great Scott! Is that sop
81 ought TO know. went through
two cholera epidemicS.
"And you didn't die?"
''No; never enjoyed better health in
my life. Instead OF letting my system
run down built it up, and the microbes
gave me q wide berth. They were look
ing for fellows like YOU"
Mr.. Smith broke out IN a cold per
spiratiOn and his face assumed a CHASTITY
pallOr.
"You perspirew exclaimed Colonel
Gab6er, excidedly. "Why, that's one
of the premOnitory symptoms"
"I'm not perSpiring," gaSped Smith,
hopping his brow with his handker-
chief.
THE SUCKER HOOKED.
"And believe you are afraid. II you
are scared you are gone coon. When
Rnicrobe sees that q man has lost his
nerve it makes short work Of him"
"WhO-says-I'm-scared?" he ask
ed, with chattering teeth.
at makes me mad TO see man OF
your ability deliberately commit suicide
"a man who with bis magnificent per-
sOnal presence and natural eloQuence
might some day grace the halls Of Con-
gress, and whose burning elOQuence
would cause the nation to realize that
in II. Clay Smith we have star Of
greater MAGNITUDE than Webster and
Claw combined. Why didn't / know
of This sooner?" and Colonel Gabber