The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1892-11-02
WIT AND HUMOR.

-Ae1uS OyHt9S'
The man whose gate is off the hinges
can talk by the hour explaining why
somebody else doesn't prosper.-Ram'S
Horn.
Brownley-"Do you believe in love
at first sightP" Yellowby-"It de-
pends upon how much the girl has. y
N. z. Press.
Gentlemen of the old school today
are not to be compared with those of
the last century, for few of them are
up to snuff.-RocheSter Post.
The Prodigal never thinks of return
ing to his aged parents or of even
writing to them until the gaunt prai-
rie wolf gets after him.-DatIas Neaos.
He-"Do you know that woman over
thereP" She-"Well, yes, and-er-
no. If 1 meet her full face l bow; if
l meet her profile don't see her.
Judy.
1t is said to have cost the present
Emperor of China $10,0Oo,000 to get
married. He must have done his
courting at summer resort.-N T.
Herald.
"She is of so reflective turn, don't
you know" "What, that giddy thing?"
Il mean her only opinions are ret1ec-
tions of other peoples. ."-I3adia'aapotis
Journal.
In Australia there are caterpillars
from six inches to a foot long, and in
consequence the girls who go on pic
MICS all have sound lungs. Yoaakers
Statesman.
She-"Why do you toy so nervously
Al e., 0fr Nf
He (gallantly)-"I am afraid of any
between us. Life.
As the mistress of the most populous
Empire in the world, Queen Victoria
even excels the ordinary woman in the
number of subjects she can talk about.
Philadelphia Times.
"How do you like thatp" asked the
medieval torturer as he frightened the
thumb screw. "Oh, it will do-on a
pinch!" answered the prisoner philo-
sophically.-Puck.
Mrs. Weeds-"Dear Mr.. Hanks will
not remarry; he has burned the
bridges behind him." Mrs. Wiling
"HoW SOP Mrs. Weeds-"Given all his
money to charity."-M Y. Herald.
Parent (trembling with emotion)-
@You are audacious!-you are heart
less! She is my only child" Suitor
(wishing to pacify)-"But my dear
sir, you-er-you can't blame me for
that"-Puck.
Mother-"Now, you have broken my
cup. You deserve whipping. Come
here!" Fritz-"No / won't come.
Mother-@Come, Fritz, till whip you,
then you shall have slice of cake. -
Teros Sytiags.
Burglar (between his teeth )-"Hand
over your money" Man of the house
(not realizing the situation) )-"Now,
Maria, this is too much. I gave you
every cent l had when / came home
tonight. Puck.
Mr.. De Avnoo-"I don't see why
Mrs. Fourundred should put on such
airs over you. Our family trees are as
good as hers" Mrs. De Avnoo-"Y-e-s
but her husband has the gout and yor
haven't. IN. 2. Weekly.
Mistress-"I should like to know
what business that policeman has il
my kitchen every night in the week?'
Pretty servant-"Please, mum, think
he suspicious me of neglectin' me worl
or somethin'. IN Y. Weekly.
He had struck match on his boot
heel and his wife remarked: "You are
as spry as cat, aren't youp" "De
you think so?" he returned il pleas
ant tone. "Yes. You light on YOU
feet. you know. Washington Star.
Little Tommy Whykins had beer
wrestling with piece of hardtack
mamma" said he after a silence
"What is itp" "If poll-parrots get al
the crackers they ask for don't won
der they learn to swear. ~ Washington
Star.
Mr.. De Fashion-aI see an Englisl
woman has been fined for having he
two dogs pull the baby carriage. y
Mrs. De Fashion-"She ought to be
the cruel thing. Why didn't sht
make the baby pull the dogs?"-M z
Weekly.
There is a case on record where
young couple got seventeen clock
among the wedding presents, and ye
three months afterwards the HUSBAND
didn't know what time it was when h
came home in the morning.-PhtLddeI
pltiG Times.
Stanby-"Miss Triller hasn't favored
US with any music this evening. Tn
going to make her sing" Old Mr.
Triller-"I'll make it worth your whil
if you will, young man. It's NOR,
than that Italian professor I've subsi
died can do."-Puc6.
Bunting-"Dr. Paresis is the mos
successful physician l know of. H
has marvellous success, in fact" Lar
kin-"He knows medicine thoroughly
supposed" at isn't that altogether
H. haex - I'm, -,
a typewriter" ."-J1dge.
Tapper-"So you don't altogether
like the new pastors sermons, chi?
Dapper-"No; they are too profound
they necessitate too much headwork.
Tapper-"Quite true; noticed yo1
were nodding .thro' his entire discours
yesterday. Boston Courier.
Little Boy-"Mayn't be preacher
when Igrow up?" Mother-"Of cours
you may, my pet, if you want to.
Little Boy-"Yes, do. I s'pose I'v
got to go to church all my life anyway
an it's good deal harder to sit still
than to walk around and holler."-
Good Nea0s.
Husband-"How much did that ha
costp" Wife-"Five dollars. Isn't tina
cheape" "Five dollars is good dea
of money" An hour later. That's
good cigar, but I'm afraid you are get
ting extravagant." Nonsense! Fiy
dollars isn't much money: that's all
paid for box" ."-Teras Sittiaags.
"Your parlormaid is about to ente
my service. Would you mind givin
me some information about her chal
acterP Is she honest?" Milliner-"
am not quite sure. I sent her to yo
with a bill last week and she hasn
turned up with any money up to now.
-Z~rcherische Freitagszeitung.
81 understand" remarked the funn,
man to the editor, "that there is to b
collection of newspaper jokes on ez
hibition at the worlds fair" "In tn,
archaeological department, 1 suppose,
observed the editor pleasantly, as
festive roach dragged the paste off tn
desk and let it fall on the floor with
dull thud.-Detroit Free Press.
Sanford-"Our pastor has court plas
ter on his nose today Do YOU kno,