Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1892-01-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

nave you got that resolution with
gou9 Or did you break it by taking
too good care of it'-Bu5ssto Times.
Whenever you heara man say that all
men are alike it is an apology for some
very contemplate scoundrel. -Atchis0n
Globe.
Doubtless when they speak of 1.-The
warning elements" they mean when the
winds have come to blows Wdshing-
Ton Post.
You see. Baron. my papa gives me a
book every birthday" "Ah! YOU must
have already quite library Fiiegen-
de Bldtter.
The standard military pace is two
and half feet. On double-quick
retreat it is more.-NeU Orleans Pea
yuze.
Speaking of hydropathic cures it
strikes us that we'll water ought to be
good for sick people.-Binghanton Re
publican.
Now, Johnny" said papa. .'who
was Adam?' He was the man who
discovered the world" said Johnny
Harper's Bazar.
Hilow-''Now, look here. Bloobump-
er, | wouldn't be fool if were YOU"
Bloobumper-''No. if YOU were I. you
wouldn't be a fool. "-Epoch.
Sanso - Have You been PLAYING
poker for money!" Rodd (disconso-
lately)-'No; but the fellows Eve been
playing with have. IN Z. Herald.
When society whispers. you can bet
it's whispering ill of some one; when it
speaks good of any one it uses long
distance trumpet.-St, Joseph NesUS.
Bob Ohe authoD-"Wait a minute.
and I'll show you the proofs of my
novel," Gore-'.No, no! | don't want
any proofs. Your word is enough. y
Puck.
Mandy She is very rich. Do you
suppose he had tender feeling for
her?" Hooks-"Of course, of course
"a legal-teuder feeling" - N. Y.
Herald.
"Ryhmer is wonderful poet. He
seems brother to the muses. Yes.
He has wooed them all and they have
apparently agreed to be sisters to him."
N. Y. Sun.
1eacher-''Tommy. will you give an
example of tautologyP" Tommy -
Saw one in our paper this morning.
1t spoke of 'brainless dude. "-Lt-
diuaapotis Journal.
You say you waited on Carter when
he married." Yes, | waited on him
six months, and I'm still waiting. He
bought his wedding suit of me. ~
Detroit Free Press.
SIS there a stationery store in town."
ssked visitor ut Kansas hotel mo.
90" replied the clerk. as he shook his
head; this town is i'll the cyclone belt. ="
- Harper's BazGr.
The wicked stand with immunity in
slippery places whereas small banana
peel filings the heels of the righteous to
the sky like unto the heels of the lazy
mule.-Da(Ias Nea0s
IF you gave less expensive presents
to people YOU could have better apart
ments than these" Il know; but I
shouldn't get half so many good din
uers. "-Hrper's Bazar.
Suggest motto for nv new bust
ness venture, will you, Miss AgnesP"
What is the businessP' "A dairy
farm Then suppose you take
Leave we'll alone. "-The Jester.
Mr.. A. Tennyson Fizzle-.It is your
day pow, but | will be remembered
when you have been forgotten" Old
Shouldn't wonder; always
pay cash. "-I'1dia,sapolis Jouraat.
Judge Ito small witness) DO you
know the nature Of an oath?" 20 yes,
sir. L am an otliceboy, and have to
answer the telephone every few min
utes. THE Epoch.
Keely's rival. the man who had al
most invented perpetual motion, is
dead. But there are plenty of men still
living who nave almost doue something
great. Bufitto Express.
Walker (newly married)-'I hope
you will do justice to my wifc's bis
cults, old man?" Cutting (his guesD
We'll, frankly, | think they deserve
thirty days. n-Anaerican Grocer.
You advertise that YOU are selling
wine at original prices and yet YOU
are charging double what any one else
is ASKING" That is what there is
original about it,"-F1jegende Batter.
Harry-s,Your remarks, Miss Jennie,
are so spiced with wit that they quite
take my breath away" Jennie-',I'm
glad of that, for your efforts with
cloves have been fiat failures!-N. Y.
Herald
"Demi-train," he exclaimed as he
stepped on it and fell over it in two or
three places. But it isn't" she said.
unconscious of his profanity. and proud
", for it was her first long gown
Washington Sur.
Mrs. Honeyton-"Are those some of
the cigars gave you?" Honeyton-
Yes" Mrs. uoneyton How are
they?" Honey on-"They are of the
kind that it is better to give than to re-
ceive. "-Harper's Bazar.
Mabel Haven't told you a hum
dred times not to kiss me-! Jacques
Yes, suppose you have Mabel
We'll, If you knew how hard it was for
me TO say it YOU wouldn't make me do
it."-Boston Courier.
CauuoI permit IL, Saiu the uliS'
tressi you must not bring strangers
into the kitchen" strangers? Why,
Mr. Locust's not Il stranger! | knew
him before he got on the police force"
-Phitadelphia Times.
Let us sea- cynic is Il man who is
tired of the world, is he notP" the
young language student asked. No,
no. my child" replied the knowing
tutor. "A cynic is man of whom the
world is tired. MiWaukee Sentinel.
Viol-,,;-o W.. -.