davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
The Force Of Habit,

A beggar called at the clothing en-.
porium of Nose Schaumburg and said
to the proprietor:
"Please assist poor man."
go away nit yer, or I calls dot
bolice."
"Good-bye," said the mendicant
as he moved off,"
Recommend me to your friends
ven dey wants someding in my line"
said Nose, out OF pure force of habit,
that being his usual parting salutation
to his customers"
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
SOME WIT AND KUMoR.
CULLED FROM THE VARIOUS
FUNNY PAPERS.
Electric Flashes In the Atmosphere
Of Thought. Which Few Can
Strike But All Can See.
A Useful Change of Name.

"When went to sea- said an
old yarn spinner down on the
wharves, II was very handy aloft,
and answered to the convenient name
of Jack, I was so willing and handy
that the officers were always calling
upon me. It was Jack, do this, or
Jack, do that On one voyage from
Havana to Philadelphia the mate
called on Jack so much that was
well.nigh worn out. determined to
be Jack no more. After arriving in
Philadelphia and remaining there q
few days. went to the shipping COM
missioner's Office for new Job. He
said he wanted a man for a captain
who was even then waiting in the Of
flee, and requested me to sign my
name.
"I cannot write,' I said.
"'Then tell me your name said
he.
"Ahasuerus Wiz Van Deuzendorff,'
said l.
"What?'
'Ahasuerus Wiz Van Deuzendorff.'
How in thunder do you spell it?'
Il don't know
Here, captain, said the commits
sioner, turning to the waiting captain,
this man seems oil right but for his
name
"'That's all right, said the captain,
and I was shipped. And will tell
you had peace and comfort on that
voyage. Whenever the mate wanted
me to do anything, he would start on
my name, break down entirely, and
then tell another man to do the work.
| think they rather suspected some
thing wrong about the name; but they
never caught me-
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
A Two-Doliar Present,

Mother-"Why did you put this
horriblepostage stamp on this beau
tiful little Japanese vase you bought
for your sisters birthday PRESENT."
Dutiful Son-"You gave me two dol
lars, and said shouldn't spend any
Of it 'cept for sisters present, an tn
vase cost only O. dollar an ninety
nine cents, an SO bought a postage
stamp with the other cent AM stuck
it on"
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
He Wasn't Complaining,

Stranger, to conductor of waiting
train,-Excuse me, sir, but aren't you
the conductor OF the train that made
a lunch stop here this morning?
Conductor-At about eight-thirty?
Yes.
Stranger-And you started out
three minutes before schedule time?
Conductor-H-s-s-h l know did.
Found out my mistake after train got
under way. For heavens sake don't
make any complaint.
Stranger-Complainr? take this
flyer. was on that train with my
mother-in-law. Got offhere get her
q sandwich. Got left. See?-Boston
Courier.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
. A Selfish Girl,

Nellie-"That Clara De Note is lust
the meanest, most utterly selfish
girl I ever saw. She never thinks Of
any one but herself"
Dorado tell"
Nellie-"Yes. I ran in there the other
evening for a few moments, and while
l was there Mr.. Nicefello called. WE'LL
it wasn't long before he requested her
to play. He's passionately fond Of
music, you know. Well, what doyou
think that girl did? She asked him to
come to the piano and turn the music
for her, just SO Icouldn' talk to him."
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
A Cautious Hero,

Twas at the Sabbath-school picnic.
Two maidens of uncertain age were
struggling in the water.
"Merciful heavens" cried the pas
tor, will no one save them? Is there
no swimmer among us?"
SIS there justice of the peace in the
crowd?'' asked Tattered Stuyvesant,
the tramp, emerging from the brush
es.
~ hold that Office" answered the
gentleman. "But will -
"Well, then, ladies'" shouted Tat
tered Stuyvesant to the struggling
maidens, "hold up your hands and
let the justice swear we that 1 don't
have to marry either OF We and I'll
plunge in. Pm heroic, but not fool
hardy. This is leap year.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
In a Quandary,

Humorous Lecturer:-"Good pra,
cious, what have you brought ma
here? I told you to fetch the manu-.
script for my lecture, which 1 left AZ
home by mistake"
Messenger: eyes, sir; but the missis
after looking over all your WRITING.
table, couldn't find the papers, and 50
she thought she would send Won
the book out OF which you copied It
all yesterday"
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
Sounded Familiar.

"What is the name of the Young
man that's coming to see Claribel?"
asked old Spudd, looking up from the
"Stocks and Bonds" column of his
newspaper. 81 think I've heard it,
but ! have forgotten it,"
"lt is one you certainly ought to re-
member easily enough" replied Mrs.
Spudd. Ellis name is Oliver Crom-
we'll"
''My memory, madame" said old
spudd, looking fixedly at her over his
glasses, els as good as yours. Crom-
we'll is the name OF that merchant
down in Galesburg that claimed
cheated him out OF $37. 40 in 1878 on
a consignment of eggs. You can't fool
me on names'
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
rhe PoseessINe case.

Teacher-ssYou have written states
man with possessive case sign
states man. That is incorrect"
Doesn't the State own the mani
Teacher-aNo the statesman owns
the State"
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
Great Provocation,

Deaf-and-dumb Beggar "say, pard,,
did yer see that dude jest went oy?"
Blind Beggar. "Yaas. What Of
him."
Deaf-and-dumb Beggar. "I'd "a kill.
ed him if he hadn't gave me dime"
Blind Begger. "Why?"
Deaf-and-Dumb Beggar. "He was
whistlin' 'McGinty' That tune allus
makes me sorry Pm a himpostuer."
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
OrOut on Bail.

Socialist-Don you want to join
the Socialists? We need a few more
tried men in our ranks.
Patrick behave not, for I've
noticed that most of the tried men
are in Jail, begorra.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
A Welcome Guest.

Mother-How did you happen to
take dinner with Tommy Traddles?n
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
An Unlucky Place.

A member OF the French Acaden,
once called down upon himself a wittr
and uuanswerable rebuke for ruds,
ness.
In taking the place Of NJ. Furetiers
whom he dislilSed, he said, pointed1r.
Gin this place l shall certainly ssr
some foolish things" Say
"My congratulations" said FIR.
there, calmly. "You have begun we'll ="
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
The More the MerrIer.

Marie-so you are engaged to
Charlie Chester?
Claire, carelessly-Yes.
Marie-Isn't he the fourth Charlie to
whom you are engaged?
Claire, listlessly-I believe so.
Marie-Good gracious, Claire, how
do you tell them apart?
Claire, sweetly-I don't.-Detroit
Free Press.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
In a Doubtful State.

Lawyer-Are you single?'
Female Witness-No.
''Then you are married woman"
"No."
$50 you are widow?'
"No."
"But, my dear Madame or Miss,
you must belong to one of these three
classes. And what shall 1 put you
down."
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
Assistance Still Needed

Distressed Female-oh, please !.
give me something all the same9, 'S'
Benevolent Gentleman-Whv u,n
the same?" aa
D. F: (weepingl-Oh, sir, you do,,.
recognize me. I'm the blind manu- manu-
B. G.-Yes, I remember Won H.,
what's the matter? 0"' out
D. Fob, sir, we're in fresh trorh
My poor husband has recovered I Ii.
sight.-Drake's Magazine. so LIS
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
m-an-engaged woman"
Intrepid Enterprise,

Intrepid Enterprises.
"See that house on the hill?"
asked the tramp OF his partner.
eyes"
"They've got a dog up there most
as big as horse. I've got an idea"
"What is it? To keep away from
the house?"
NAV. Let's go up an steal the
dog."-Washington Star.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
A Useless Errand.

"Why did you send for me, Mrs.
Nupop?" asked DR.. Paresis. t"There
is absolutely nothing wrong with the
baby"
"Oh, I'm SO glad, Doctor"
"But what made you think there
was?"
"Why, Doctor, he hasn't cried a bit
all the morning. Jester.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1892-06-30
Young Heir-"Mrs. Trad,lls. $. J,

Young :, Heir-'Mrs. rradllss iprs,|
Didn't you ask her to-"
'No'm.'
Didn't Tommy ask herr,
mo ma'am; he only told h.. /,
would be a good thing for her ~ nes y
me cause as long as l was ths wv Key
wouldn't have ANYBODY to send send 10 yoq
to borrow things" u ove
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

dent James Buchanan, Edward Everett,
Henry Ward Beecher, n. P. Banks. Ed
win II. Chaplin, Horace Greeley, Eliza
beth Barrett Browning, Alexander Won
Humboldt, James Gordon Bennett and
several others. The paper contained
thirty-six different poems entire. among
them ''Braddock's Defeat, or the Battle
of Monongahela," poem of sixty-four
eight-line verses, occupying one column
and fourth, or exactly 5 feet of space.
Among other articles of especial note
published in that leviathan sheet was
the celebrated "Moon Hoax" taken
from copy of the New York Sun pub
lished in 1885. The weight of the paper
required for the edition of $4,000 was
equal to that required for printing
100000 copies of either the New York
Times or Herald. The paper cost the
publisher $50 ream and each ream
weighed 300 pounds. It required the
work of forty persons ten hours per
day for eight weeks to set up and pub
llsh this gigantic edition.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
nders OF a Microphone.

"These scientific chaps are queer
lot," said hotel clerk to Washington
Post reporter. '"They are all the while
trying to see things whose very exist
ence is unknown to ordinary mortals,
and listening to sounds SO minute and
delicate as to defy and completely put
to shame the keenest-eared Indian
scout hero that ever delighted the
hearts of the readers of dime-novel lit
erature. An English chemist, who was
here the other day, exhibited little
microphone he had made, which would
render audible the footsteps of fly. It
was only small affair, and consisted of
a box with a sheet of straw
paper stretched over the upper
side. By means of little electri-
cal device, consisting of two car
bon discs, carbon pencil and a weak
battery, the sheet of paper over the
top of the box was caused to produce
vibrations when a fly walked over it
strong enough to react theoretically on
an Ordinary telephone transmitter
when held close to the latter
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
Experiment1ng with Turtles.

Among the industries of the state of
Illinois none is, perhaps, known less
about than that of turtle culture. And
vet it seems that it is branch that re-
ceives considerable amount of atten-
ton.
In Lisbon, ILL.,, there is miniature
turtle farm. The owner is experiment
ing with the hard-shelled creatures, and
if his experiments prove successful
there is likelihood that real turtle soup
will not be quite SO uncommon as at
present.
Mrs. Edwin WEIGH, whose father is
making these experiments at LISBON,
related some interesting facts yesterday.
Last spring. she said, my 1atner
killed turtle in which he found thirty
eggs. He put them in an ordinary pan
and placed them in the garden. they
urara covered with mud to the depth OF
two inches and so placed as to be pro-
tected from the rays Of the sun por-
zion Of thesday. In September sixteen
turtles were Matched and he succeeded
in saving the lives of six OF these. Inc
remainder were devoured by the geese.
When first hatched they were OF the
size of silver dollar.
.sThev live on beef, crawtish, and
variety of foods that may be gwen
them When placed IN barrel OF whey
thew thrive and grow fat rapidly. Ihey
show seine signs of intelligence: ana !
nv father had one turtle that Woulo
make decided demonstrations Q! Joy
when father called him. he assocla!eu 4
his name. which was Dick, with 1eedlng
time and was always disposed 10 re-
snond when he heard it called. r. :
lavish color. Although they baye no
teeth laf 1' they bite viciously, and are re
tbars are children. In some cases they
are are usually muzzled by tying their
aio 60 that it is impossible to thrust
them out beyond the she'll"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
A NEW DEPARTURE.
The First Opera Matinee Ever Given in


The First Opera Matinee Ever Given in
Paris.
The first matinee that has ever taken
place at the Grand Opera, in the way of
a regular performance, came off two
days ago, and was an immense success.
Popular prices were the rule, the best
seats In the house costing from 80 cents
to SLIGO, for which sums places could
be secured beforehand without extra
charge. Tickets ruled lower as the
spectators mounted higher, till, in the
fourth gallery, the uppermosto of all, the
price of admission was franc only go
cents). And as one can hear and see to
perfection in that very lofty position,
impecunlous lovers of music were de-
cidedlv in luck.
There was not vacant seat in the
whole vast theater. The boxes on the
two fashionable tiers, the first and
second, were crowded with groups OF
schoolboys a.:d girls, winding up their
Christmas holidays in this enhancing
fashion. The performance comprised
the ballet of ''Coppelia," with the
charming Mile. Subra as premiere
danseuse, and the opera of ola Favori-
ta,' with Nine. Deschamps-Jehin, con-
sidered by a good many connoisseurs as
the finest female singer of the company,
In the role of Le0nOr0. So it will be
comprehended that M. Bertrand, the
incoming director, had done his best by
his new class of patrons.
The performance began at 5 o'clock,
and there was an lntermissiOn OF half
an hour after the ballet, to give time to
the spectators to go and get something
to eat. Anything like a regular meal
was of course, out of the question, but
all the restaurants in the neighborhood
We're besieged, the bill of fare in gen
eral being sandwiches and beer, while
all the refreshment bars in the opera
itself were literally cleaned out. A good
many of the spectators in the cheap
places had. with commendable fore
thought, supplied themselves with pro-
visions, bringing rolls and sausages and
such small eatables with them in lunch
baskets, as they used to do at the Uni
versal Exhibition. Then the opera was
given, and everybody was more enthu-
sastic, and applauded all the perfor-
mers with frenzy, and insisted upon
calling them three or four times before
the curtain at the close of each act, SO
that il was half-past 8 before the
performance ended.
At last the poorer classes of Paris
have offered to them the highest form
of musical entertainments, at prices
within their means, and they are no
longer compelled to seek for cheap
amusements at the cafe-concerts and
the music halls. So important was this
experiment considered that the minis
ter of public instruction gave directions
to M. Bertrand to prepare and forward
to him report of the representation
before the end of the evening.-Paris
pttor
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
The Termination

To go out of doors in rough weather is not
strong, but we are many of u.s. compelled to
face rough weather frequently. Diseases
which arise from chill are peculiar TO no sea-
son of the year This Is true therefore there
should be in the closet of every household
what? Not an unmedicated stimulant abso-
action, but a tonic com blning, in the effective
form of an invigorant and an Alternative the
quality of defence against changes of weather.
Hostetter's stomach Ritters has three four
properties that no o her article of its class
possesses Not only d 1es it relieve the CONS
the sysIem against the bad effects of change
of temperature, fatally and too often shown in
the deadly form of fla grippe" it produces n
a system peculiarly liable to be attacked by
it, aud it tends to provide against the danger
resulting from a n impoverished condition of
the blood and disordered state OF the liver or
bowels
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
CHLORIDE OF GOLD.

A French naval surgeon declares
that he has just discovered that the
salt OF gold is sure cure for snake
bites. This is what DR.. Kelley, of
Dwight, announced some time ago.
There is still great diversity Of opinion
as to whether DR. Keeley's cures
amount to anything or not. There
are, however, remedies that will do
what is claimed for them. One of the
best things on the market for every
form of lung trouble or kidney
complaint is Reds GERMAN COUGH
AND KIDNEY. CURE. 1t contains
neither opiates nor poison, but severe
cases of colds, threatened attacks
of pneumonia, cases of pleurlsy Of
long standing, old and annoying
kidney troubles, are cured by this great
remedy, and in such way that the
patient enjoys better health than he did
before the attack. This great remedy
is an excellent thing for both children
and aged people. Get it Of any dealer.
SYLVAN REMEDY Co., Peoria, Ill.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
The Daily Paper.

Dorothy Maddox has good word to
say for the daily newspaper. She finds
that it matters not how fascinating a
woman's mannerisln if her mind is
found to be an empty waste. 1t has be-
come positive necessity for the sister
who goes out into the world to be we'll
up on current topics of the day, these
embracing, of course, an intelligent
of the affairs of COM
munity, city and state. No medium
can be found which covers so much
ground as the daily newspaper. It is
the channel through which the bright
est and best ideas of the age seek an
outlet, and the clever woman realizing
this reads her paper with the same reg
ularity that she takes her meals. Moth
ing so quickly establishes woman in
the good graces of masculine friend
as to find her thoroughly in touch with
the foremost events of the moment.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11
A Big Newspaper.

The Paper World has among its ODDS q 9 8
and ends copy of what is snpp pc III -
h been the largest single-sheet news :,
naper ever published in tins OF IT. any ~
other eogn aGysar 1t ra coas'elstion and
was issued at New aorT Tb yu' sj E ON was
one Geo hgen $500 Is, coo, but it is reported
to nave pe rass broke down before the
iull = n J nany The size of this mastadon
GEMS e. w aeF 70 by 100 inches, or almost ~
sneer we feet eight pages, thirteen col
SQUARE, : the the page, or total Of lo4 col
amn ns q each As inches in length + was
n !Im1ant,,a ted with good portraits OF fresi-
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

Don't give up and say there is no help
for Catarrh, Hay Fever and Cold in head
since thousands testify that Ely's Cream
Balm has entirely cured them.
have been bothered with catarrh for
about twenty years; | had lost sense of
smell entirely, and had almost lost my
hearing. My eyes were getting SO dim l
had to get some one to thread my needle.
Now have my hearing as well as ever
had. and I can see to thread as fine a
needle as ever / did, my sense OF smell
seems to be improving ali the time. l
think there is nothing like Ely'S Cream
Balm for Catarrh. Mrs. E. E. Crimes,
Rendrill, Perry Co., o.
Apply Balm into each nostril. 1t is
Quickly Absorbed. Gives Relief at
once. Price so cents at Druggists or by
mail.
ELY BROTHERS, IS Warren St., New
York.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

WINKs-"I hear that some of the
prominent actresses, singers, generals
and society ladies get $500 for merely
signing their names to articles written
for them and printed in the Uppercrust
Magazine" Jinks-"It's true, too"
Winks-"Well we'll! I wonder what
they'd get if they wrote the whole
articles themselves?" Jnks-"Get
laughed at. "-New York Weekly.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

1t disappears
the worst forms of catarrh, with
,hs nse of DR.. Sage's Catarrh Rem
' sd It's mild, soothing, cleansing
. md healing properties effect a per-
snct and permanent cure, no matter
b l bad the case, or of how long
st,nding. It's a remedy that sue
ceeds where everything else has
fs;led, Thousands of such cases
e 1 be pointed out. That's the
reason its proprietors back their
faith in it with money. They offer
s5oO reward for case of catarrh
which they cannot cure. It's a
Medicine that allows them to take
sncb risk. Doesn't common sense
lead YOU to take such a medicine :?
IAN advertising fake" you say.
Funny, isn't it, how some people
nrefer sickness to health when the
remedy is positive and the guaran-
tee absolute.
Wise men don't put money back
Of "fakes."
And taxing" doesn't pay.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

Syrup :

Boschee's German Syrup IS nore
successful i'll the treatment of Con-
sumption than any other remedy
prescribed. 1t has been tried under
every variety of climate. In the
bleak, bitter North, in damp New
England, in the tickle Middle States,
in the hot, moist every
where. 1t has been in demand by
every nationality. Ithas been en-
ployed in every stage of Consump-
ton. In brief it has been used
by millions and its the only true and
reliable Consumption Remedy. o
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1892-02-11

CRAGIN & Co., Philadelphia, Pa, will
send, postpaid, for two Dobbins' Electric
Soap wrappers (Dobbins, Soap is for sale
everywhere), and ten cents, any volume of
Surprise Series" (best authors). Is cent
novels. about 200 pages each. Send one
cent stamp for catalogue. Mention this
paper.