The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1892-08-19
miscellaneous.
How Smith Carved a Chicken

How Smith Carved Chicken
Guess | am somewhat bashful, il
not more. Certainly | had rather
face wild Rocky Mountain grizzly
than a strange woman any day And
when it happens to be a pretty young
lady-oh, dear, Though I am nearly
six feet long, whenever | see one an
preaching the house my face begins
to burn and my spinal marrow t.
grow freezing cold, and l feel like
rushing to my own room and crawling
under the bed
My male friends often urge me tic
brace up, and tell me, as an induce
ment toward such proceeding, thai
my mother was woman" As if
were to blame for that when | was
not even consulted in the matter.
How | ever got over my difffdence
enough to fall in love with Laura
Bulldozer l don't know. Perhaps il
was owing to the oft-repeateI advice
just mentioned, and may be it was be
cause she and her mother developed a
sudden and strong interest in oul
family and became frequent callers
But from whatever cause it came
about, it certainly happened and al
last actually gained sufficient cour-
age to stay in the room while they
were there, and even to talk little
And now | am coming to my adven-
ture with that diabolical chicken.
Mrs. BulldoZer invited me to fam
lily dinner at her home ON Christmas
day, and in an evil hour | accepted
the invitation.
| repented of my rashness a thou
sand times before the fatal day came.
but seeing no reasonable way out of
the scrape and remembering Laura s
lovely eyes, went.
| was much relieved by finding that
| was the only guest; but things were
uncomfortable enough for Il bashful
youth even then. The family con-
sisted of Mrs. Bulldozer, who was a
widow, and her three daughters,
Laura, neat, nice, nineteen, and the
object OF my especial admiration:
Alice, aged fifteen, the wickedest
piece of sauce and sarcasm it was ever
my misfortune to meet, and Ella, the
twelve-year-o olive branch, who
was simply Peck's bad boy in petit
coats.
l will pass over all the preliminary
fortunes that / endured and hasten on
| to that chicken. 1t is enough to say
that at last, after undergoing indie
scribable torrents, | found myself
seated at the table between Laura and
the enfant terrible, with Mrs. Bull
doZer and Alice opposite. Then, to
my unspeakable horror, | found that.
as was the only gentleman present,
| was expected to do the honors of the
IN ind
that was lying in state on a huge plat
ter. | knew III Il general way, that it
must have a skeleton, and that the
! parts of it must necessarily articulate
somewhat, but beyond that | knew
just as much of the physical structure
! of an angel.
All my feeble protestations were
useless, however; carve | must. A
| carving knife as big and formidable
looking as pirates cutlaSs was
! thrust into my unwilling hand, but |
verify believe the Internal thing
wouldn't cut butter. / began the at
tack while Mrs. Bulldozer was glory
ing in the chickens really magnificent
proportions, and telling me that it
was raised by Il blacksmith of her ac-
/ quaintance out in the country. And
| judging from the way it cut up. he
must have fed it on old horse nails
and iron scraps all its life
! | did not have the slightest idea
where to begin, but | clutched my
sabre u little tighter, and made jab
at the hens breast bone with my
fork. Flop. She rolled over and over
/ like pickanniny in the watermelon
season, and the next instant was heels
up on top of a loaf of poundcake.
A.! felt my face turn scarlet as | res
cued her and put her back on the
plate. Nor did l recover my complex
| ion any when Alice asked with pre-
tended anxiety if | had ever had the
apoplexy, and Ella jumped up and
opened the door and then brought me
! a palm leaf fan. . s-tss ga
proving tone. ...a..
| began again but more gently.
Getting the hen safely harpooned, /
began to work away at one wing, but
/ it was of no use only made few
gashes across her ample stomach,
| without finding any joint. Indeed, l
! don't believe there was one in her
whole anatomy. She sllated around
! the platter like sled in a toboggan
/ chute. She couldn't have gone easier if
| she had hadwheels on bow and stern.
My face grew so scorching hot that
| the temperature in the room rose ten
/ degrees i'll less than five minutes.
Excuse lie if | put on my veil so
won't tam" said Alice, innocently,
while Ella inquired if she shouldn't
bring the axe and saw from the wood
shed.
Girls" commenced Mrs Bulldozer
again, and then stopped and began to
cough, while even Laura put her
| handkerchief to her face and looked
out of the window.
| | finally succeeded in hewing Il
round piece of skin from off the chick
ems side, and gave it to Mrs. BULLDOG
er. But the dreadful Ella was watch
ing me, and cried out with q good
deal of interest
"Oh, Mr.. Smith, did you ever scalp
an Indian ~
No" growlsd, but I'll scalp this
Internal chicken or know the reason
why
But didn't get on very fast. /
made gashes across the chickens body
in every conceivable direction but
farther than that 1 might as well
| have tried to dissect boring machine
with the featheredge of clapboard.
why, she's alive now,n said Alice,
as the hen gave flying leap into the
gravy-dish.
grew desperate and threw half my
weight upon the dull piece of old iron
| they had palmed off on me for car1-
! ing knife, when pish stream of
chicken stuffing squirted from some
where and struck me squarely in the
eye, deluging my coat and shirt bos-
] ON.