Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-02-14

/, 1892.
chairman himself, and generally with chill
ing indifference by the rest of the audience.
1t was also the privilege of the chairman to
maintain order and reprimand evil-doers.
This he usually did very effectively, en-
ploying for the purpose language both ut
and forcible.
Story Of Hapless Chairman.
One chairman that 1 remember seemed,
however, to be curiously deficient in the
necessary qualities for this part of his duty.
He was mild and sleepy little man, and,
unfortunately, he had to preside over an ex-
ceptionally rowdv audience at a small hall
in the Southeast district. On the night that
was present there occurred great dis
turbance. "Joss Jessop, the Monarch of
Mirth," a gentleman evidently high in
local request, was, for some reason or other,
not forthcoming, and. in his place, the man
agement proposed to offer female per-
former on the either, one Signora Balla-
tino.
The little chairman made the announce
ment in a nervous, deprecatory tone, as If
'Ladies and gentlemen" he began. (The
poor are staunch sticklers for etiquette. I
overheard a small child explaining to her
mother one night in Three Colts street,
Limehouse, that she could not get into the
house because there was "ladv" on the
doorstep drunk.) "Signora Ballatino, the
world-renowned"-
Here voice from the gallery requested
to know what had become of "Old joss,
and was greeted by loud cries of "Ere,
ere. The chairman, ignoring the inter-
ruptlon, continued:
c, the world-renowned performer on
the either, -"
''On the whater?" came in tone. of plaint-
if inquiry from the back of the hall.
"Hon the zither," retorted the chairman,
waxing mildly indignant; he meant zithern,
but he ca led it either. "a INSTRUMENT
well known to anybody as as 'ad any learn
ing"
Pandemonium In the Hall.
This sally was received with much favor,
and cheered by this breath of popularity,
our litter President endeavored to. complete
his introduction of the signora He ad-
dressed himself personally to the ringleader
OF the rioters, the man who had first cham
pioned the cause of the absent joss. This
AOiooH was Did"Hy IHulfluudl, WIN, JUG
ing from appearance, followed in. his busi-
ness hours the calling of coal HEAVIER eyes,
sir, said the chairman, pointing a finger
toward him, where he sat in the front row
OF the gallery; you, sir, in the flannel
shirt. l can see you. Will you allow this
lady to give her entertainment
"No," answered he of the coalheaving
profession in stentorian tones.
'Then, SIR" said the little Chairman,
working himself up into state suggestive
of Jove about to launch thunderbolt;
"then, sir, all that I can say is that you are
no gentleman"
This was q little too much, or rather
good deal too little, for the Signora Balla-
tino. She had hitherto been standing in .
meek attitude of pathetic appeal, wearing
fixed smile of ineffable sweetness; but she
evidently felt that she could 60 bit farther
than that herself even if she were a lady.
Calling the Chairman can old messer," and
telling him for the lands sake to shut up if
that was all he could do for his living, she
came down to the front and took the case
into her own hands.
A Battle Worthy OF tho Gods.
She did not waste time on the rest of the
audience. She went direct for that coal
HEAVIER, and thereupon ensued slanging
match, the memory of which sends a thrill
of admiration through me even to this day.
It was battle worthy of the gods. He was.
HEAVIER of Goals, quick and ready beyond
his kind. During many years sojourn East
and South; in the course of many wander
ings from Billingsgate to Limehouse Hole,
from Petticoat lane to Whitechapel road;
out of eel-pie shop and penny gaff; out of
tavern and street, and court and doss-house
he had gathered together slang words and
terms and phrases, and they came back to
him now, and he stood up against her man
fully.
But as well might the lamb stand up
against the eagle, when the shadow of its
wings falls across the green pastures, and
the wind flies before its dark oncoming. At
the end of two minutes heJ Jay gasping,
dazed and speechless. Then she began. She
announced her intention of "wiping down
the bioomin' ALI" with him, and making it
respectable; and, metaphorically speaking,
that is what she did. Her tongue hit him
between the eyes, and knocked him down
and trampled on him. 1t curled round and
round him like whip. and then it uncurled
and wound the other way. 1t seized him
by the scruff of his neck, and tossed him up
into the air, and caught him as he descended,
and flung him to tine ground, and rolled
him on it. 1t played around him like
forked lightning, and blinded him. 1t
danced and shrieked about him like host
of whirling fiends, and he tried to remem-
Der prayer, and could not. 1t touched
him lightly on the sole of his foot and the
crown OF his head, and his hair stood up
straight, and his limbs grew stiff The
people sitting near him drew away, not
feeling it safe to be near, and left him
alone, surrounded by space and language.
Torrent Not to Be Resisted.
It was the most artistic. piece of work of
its kind that I have ever heard. Every
phrase she flung at him seemed to have been
woven on purpose to entangle him and to
embrace in its choking folds his people and
his gods, to strangle with its threads bis
every hope, ambition and belief Each
term she put upon him clung to him like
garment, and fitted him without q crease.
The last name that she called him one
felt to be, until one heard the next, the one
name that he ought to have been chris
tened by.
For five and three-quarter minutes BY the
clock she spoke, and never for one instant
did she pause or falter, and in the whole
of that onslaught there was only one weak
spot. e..
That was when she offered to make bet
ter man than he was out of Guy Fawkes
and lump of coal. You felt that one lump
OF coal would not have been sufficient.
AT the end. she gathered herself together
for one supreme effort, and hurled at him an
insult so bitter with scorn, so sharp with
insight into his career and character, so
heavy with prophetic curse, that strong
men drew and held their breath while it