The record-union., 1892-11-16
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT

Heroic Size-"That is the statue" "Its
much larger than life size isn't it?"
"Oh, yes; but no larger than he thought
he was. PUCK.
Wagger-Didn't you order statue of
the enus de Milo? Stagger-Yes, but
both arms We're gone, and / sent it straight
back.-ChicagO Inter-Ocean.
Mabel believe in long engagements.
Elolse-Why, pray? l don't. Mabel
Because-I want man to be nv ideal as
long as possible.-Detroit Free Press.
Don't you find your profession very
tiresome?" asked the patient of the dem
tist. Not especially. Why did you
ask 2" 1T struck me as one continual
grind. Washington Star.
80 he was Tilted for another?" Eyes,
although they say he was a perfect pat
tern of a young man." "Ah, l see; he
was pattern and Harry KllIemall cut
him out. Washington Star.
Boggs-Hello there, Joggs, what are
you going to do with that keg of powder?
Joggs-I am going to try and blow my
self away from porOus-plaster that's on
my back.-HarYard LampoOn.
They say that Love is blind, they do
The figure is not carried
bit too far, when once we think
OF people whom we often meet whom other
folks have married.
School Friend-Seems to me you and
George have been engaged for a good
while. Why don't you marry? Sweet
Girl-Oh, there's no hurry, dear. lie
doesn't care a bit for any one else.-Good
News.
Admiring Neighbor-Do you think the
pretty pet is going to be like his father?
Fond Mother-I shouldn't be at all sur
prised. He keeps me up every night. as
it is, and is fractious in the morning
Judy.
''If you yawn again, rll cut your
throat from ear to ear" said the facetious
barber to his customer. Don't" re-
piled the man in the chair. "That would
leave me unfit to be anything but bar
ber."-Butfalo Express.
A Victim of Circumstances.-Jud
How did you come to rob this man in
broad daylight on a frequented thorough
fare? Highwayman-l couldn't help it,
Judge; 1 had an engagement for every
night of the week.-TeXas Siftings.
Pm not going to play with Witty any
more. said Jimmieboy. He's a awful
disobedent boy" "Why, what has
Witty done?" asked Jimmieboy's
mamma. "He doesn't mind me at ali. -
said Jimmieboy.-Ha Young Peo-
pie.
An Afterthought. : Committeeman -
Old Hennessey is dead, and our club
wishes to erect a shaft to his memory.
Dealer-Do you wish any inscription on
it? mmitteeman-SimpIy "Hic ia
cet." Dealer-Anything else? Commit
teeman-Well-er-y might put
the ''hic' in parentheses.-Puck.
prematurely bald young man who is
very vain about his personal appearance
asked a New York barber: "Have you
got any stuff that will make the hair
grow on my head ?' 81 should say so
Just you try my Magic Elixir and in less
than a month you VIII look like one of
the monkeys in Central Park. ."-Texas
Siftings.
Emma (who has over $40, coo year of
her own)--Do you think, Fanny, that he
loves me for myself alone? Fanny (who
has had experience)-Yes indeed OF
course he cannot marry your money
without you, and / really think he would
as soon love you with it, and that is a very
passionate sort of love-for a man.
Brooklyn Life.
"How's business ?' asked Cawker OF
the druggist. "Excellenti We are COM
pounding a great many dyspepsia pre-
scriptions.' "How do you account for so
many cases of dyspepsia?'' There are
two reasons for it. A great many brides
have gone to housekeeping lately, and a
new cooking school has opened just
around the corner."-Brooklyn Life.