The record-union., 1892-07-14
HOFFMAN'O HUMOR.
His Little Interview With Deputy
Tax Collector.
Progress He IS Making In Sinking
Shaft in the 'EBig Thing"
Mine.
rsnecial Correspondence REcoRD-Us1oN.l

TSnecial Correspondence RECoRD-USIoN.I
am now very busy doing my annual
assessment work in the Big Thing,
quartz mine which I discovered nearly
six years ago, and the sharp click OF the
hammer as it smites the drill, and the
melodious, viyacious skreek OF the wind
lass can be heard distinctly throughout
Nevada County and in some of the cir
cumiacent country. The sickening thud
of the hammer as it now and then misses
the drill entirely and tears from my lett
hand large section of cuticle, epldermls
and sweat glands of no use to anybody
but the owner, wells out upon the pow
der impregnated atmosphere, followed by
a wild, unfettered flow of language that
would almost persuade Democrat to be
Christian.
am feeling quite well and strong, and
have developed several new muscles,
those most noticeable being in my legs,
and in my spinal column. which use
frequently as a prop to steady myself
against the side of the shaft when getting
ready to fire blast. Blasting with giant
powder is great fun. 1t not only amuses
and inStructs, but has an elevating lnfiu-
ence which has been noticed on many
occasions by better miners than myself.
1t deYelopeS and encourages a GOODNESS OF
the head, steadiness of the hands, and
great activity of the legs; also tendency
to look ever onward and upward. In
country where trees and other means of
shelter grow small it might be employed
Tor the reduction of corpulence. This is
not the first time, however, that l have
used giant powder to break down and
annihilate the stony barriers that stand
between myself and fortune, and there is
little ground upon which to base the hope
that the residents of Hardscrabble will
some day see my spirit ascend to heaven
from the shaft.
The Big Thing has not yet reached that
deep, CULTURAL slate ofdevelopment which
catches the eye and tickles the fancy Of
the sagaciouS Eastern sucker, but is forg-,
ing along slowly, and if my powder holds
out and / do not lose any of my arms,
legs or wings, viii eventually bring it
into high repute; 1t Is quite high up on
the side Of a hill now and there is great
danger, am told, of a landslide i'll the
winter season. This would dump the
Big Thing into the Nuba River and the
Anti Debris Association would probably
find out, by analyZing the river water,
that something had been going on sur
reptitiouSly in the mining region and get
out an injunction. a landslide in the
winter season will not injure me person
ally because / do not work in the shaft
in the winter season. When the rains
come I cork it up tight, tie a piece of
sausage wrapper over it and fasten with
an antiseptic string. Then, in the
smothery days of summer, when the bee
beeth, the COW coweth and the sweet
milkmaid singeth and 10 villain pur
sueth, [ resume my labors in the bowels
of the earth.
Many curious people have dropped in
upon me at the shalt and discussed the
CHI
dark skinned young man, who slid down
the rope and landed on my back. He was
a busting young chap, and had business
sticking out all over him. He said he
was a Tax Collectors deputy, and he had
come down expressly to sell me road
poll-tax receipt for y. Then he smiled
sweetly and spat on the handle of my
shovel, and took out his receipt-book and
pencil.
sweetly.
"Yes, sir" he said.
Live around here?"
"Wal, not right round here. Over the
hill a SPELL"
'!oh! How much do you get for col
lecting taX?"
81 get a commission of so much for
every receipt l sell.'
"You sell 'em, do your"
"Yes."
''PIease say yes, SIR" Would you sell
me more than one if you could?'
"Yes, sir.''
''And you'd give the money for both
receipts to the county?''
"Aw, no, 'course not.'
''Hum And you're really real live
taX-collector, are you?''
That's what l am"
"Do you sleep well?"
ST reckon DO"
"What do you eat?'
so, you're foolin'! Gimme three dol
lars'
.What for 2''
"Road poll-tax."
'Road poll-tax-what is road poll-tax?'
''Darned if know"
Whats it for ?''
"Darned if / know"
How old are you ?'
"Darned ii 1 know-I mean-O, er-
what?"
81 said it was nice day. How's your
grandmother"
'Eh?"
''I said I was broke.n
30, you're gassin' ~
Whats that?"
"What?"
'Gassin'"
"Ohw
The conversation seemed to have run
down TO point, and the collector was
nervous. There were. two or three pale
spots behind his ears, and thought there
were tears in his eyes.
Now, look here,'' / said, very sternly,
and IN my most naughty manner,
how do know you are Tax Collector,
or Deputy Tax Collector, or anybody?
How do / know that you are not fraud,
or an Imposter, or hellucination? / be-
lieve you are hallucination. NY liver
hasn't been right for two or three days,
and when / get bilious / am awftIlly
bothered, sometimes with hallucinations.
/ believe you are a hallucination. Here.
stand around, till l hit you crack with
the pick and see whether you are hal
lucination or not"
Il amt anything of the sort. You list
gimme three dollars an let me go!"
say l asked, what did you get into
this shaft for?''
"'Cause l thought you couldn't dodge
me here, am Fve been lodged too darn
ofteu."
"Oh, that was it. Well, say, I'm going
to put in a blast.'
Gimme three dollarsu'
Wait till the blast goes off,"
''Why?"
You won't need it then. Pm going
out and leave you and the blast to fight it
out together in the shaft"
Lord, no! Don't blast until / get ont.
Say, how do you get out?"
go up on top and wind yourself out
with the windlass."
''Ohn'
Then there was silence for a moment
and arranged the fuse.