Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1892-01-24
HOW TO BE FASHIONABLE.
BY KATE THORN.

Disregard all interests Out your ONH'
Take up all the standing room you
can everywhere, at balls, parties, CON
certS, operas, etc, with the trail of your
dress. If people step on it, frown them
down into their boots. If they don't
know the difference between RULED
silk, at 81 a yard, aud dirty carpet,
let them put their feet in their pockets,
or stay at home with them, where they
won't be stepping on other folks clothes.
Perfume yourself with musk. Every
body adores it, except vulgar, poor
| people, who can not afford to buy it, and
show their low breeding by turning up
their noses.
Wear the largest ear-Iewels you can
! purchase. Get these so agranged that
they will jingle whenever you turn your
head. That will draw attention TO you.
Have your hair as high on your head
as it can be got, like the dome on the
TOP OF the Capitol. 1t will keep your
| brains from efFervescing, Have
couple of curls yard and half long to
| hang down your back, and carry your
head with the dignity of an empress or
a politicians wife.
Your hair should be either bleached
or powdered, because gray hair IS just
now $50 stylish" Gray switches cost
from seventy-tive to a hundred and fifty
dollars, our fashion articles tell us.
Only the rich can indulge in gray hair!
Wear leather belt, with buckle
about the size OF sauncer, and attach
your parasol to this with chain, so
that the parasol will clank around your
Il lilo tho sword Of a
ly created lieutenant.
Have a dog-either pug or poodle
If it is a poodle, be sure that its eyes
are red and sore. No dog can possibly
be dog Of the upper ten, unless his
eyes are sore. He is not recherche I'M
less he possesses that mark Of distin-
| guished birth and breeding.
You can employ your leisure time In
bathing his eyes with rose water. 1t IS
a delightful and Soul-elevating pastime.
II you promenade lead your dog by
string. Perhaps the sidewalk will be
crowded, and ignorant people will
step on the little innocent, which they
have no right TO do. II they had been
used to fashionable society they would
have been looking carefully for dog,
and so would have avoided such a
breach of etiquette.
Flash lightning at the wrstched indi-
yidual who thus prOfanes the rights OF
civilized life, and tell him he Is no gem
tleman, and suggest calling the police.
II you drive TO the park, you should
have two dogs. That is doubly arts
tocratic.
A pug and a spaniel, or poodle and
a terrier, as you choose. You can
/ hardly get out Of the fashion.
Let them sit on the seat beside you;
or you can hold one in your lap, and let
him lick your face, which will drive
! YOU to the verge of distraction all the
| Young fellows who are sucking their
: canes and admiring you. When your
i carriage gets into jam OF other car
riages, and you have to wait, you can
search for fleas. Dear little Fiddle! 1t
is sad that he should have tleas! Then
he must suffer, poor dear!
If you have any children, but OF
| course YOU have nOt-that sort Of thing
| is gone out with fashionable women; it
is too low-never, by any means, take
| them driving with you! Leave them at
| home i'm the nursery with Biddy. Biddy
/ knows lust how TO manage them. She
| knows Just how much soothing syrup to
give them, aud you might make mis-
| take.
When you meet any OF your acquaint-
/ apces. be sure and lift up your dog, so
| that he may be recognized and admired.
| 1t would hurt his dear little sensitive
| feelings il he were ignored.
We saw lady on the Mt. Washing
| ton carriage road year or two ago, ex-
planning to her iap-dOg the wonders oil
| Inkerman's Ravne. which we were
passing, and the redeyed little darling
| howled a lively appreciation OF the sub
/ lime scene, as the waiting maid held him
/ over the side of the carriage for
better view-aud our heart swelled
within us as we contemplated the beau
tiful and touching spectacle, and noted
/ the fact that the lady's little ten-year
| old son, who was full of questions, was
| entirely disregarded. Oh, yes, let us
bv all means be kind TO the animalsl
But this IS depression.
/ Be very careful in your intercourse
/ with your servants. Never speak too
kindly to them They will presume on
/ lb. ANO4u gOuI W a. Aul NOLANA'
erwomen have 20 discretion, and would
Just as soon dun you for "that little
bill' before MIR. FitzDingle as not.
Scold your maid. Scoid all the SER
wants. 1t shows them that you are mis-
! tress, and that you mean to be.
Always call your husband Mr.. Jones.
/ Never descend to the vulgar familiarity
Of John" Never be seen in society
with him, either No one goes out with
ones husband nowadays. That is obso-
! lete. Mr.. FitzDingle or Captain ST.
| Whiskers, is much more suitable for an
escort. They don't despise dogs.
| Either of them would be transported
TO the seventh heaven at the privilege
I of sitting beside you in your carriage,
and holding Fiddle while you petted
! Fapette. Snch charming men.
Aud as you roll past, sdmiring OBJ
servers will exclaim:
..Ob. do see that fashionable Mrs.
Jones! So dlstipguei And those sweet
dogsl Dear mel how happy she must
bel"