The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1892-06-30

and would not be liable TO stain his bands with
the blood of his own nephews. like total stran,
gers might be. That's what ia SAID. Ma toid
Pa he was a cynic. A cynic is person that
has been soured
Well the stage landed rs at Uncle Horns
front gate just about sunset on the day before
the Fourth. We hadn't been out OF that OLD
stage three minutes till we had tin-canned
dog and broken the hinges off from the gate.
As we were racing up the path to where uncle
Horn and Aunt Philenda stood on the porch
waiting to welcome us we met Bolivar Barlow,
a neigbbor boy, who was just leaving with a
can of jinpson salve which he had borrowed.
We Just cuffed him fat quicker than wink
and rubbed his nose in the jimpson salVe-me
and Skip did.
Then Skip threw a club and knocked the old
tabby-cat off from the bench under the spruce
tree and into the cactus bed Huliy gee! You
ought to have heard her me-yow!
Uncle Horn and Aunt Phienda embraced US
and gave Us some PIE. Uncle Horn said boys
would be boys, which was an awful chestnut.
Uncle Horn is pretty bad case OF mossback
himself. And Aunt Philenda told Us to make
ourselves right at home. Also, we done it.
By bedtime we had broken up the setting
hen in great shape, and Skip had fallen off
from the barn and me into the well, and Skip
had shot bean out of sight into passing
mans north ear with his nigger-shooter, and
we had let out the hog and tried TO hold him
by the tail aud failed, and few other things.
And then we stole two more pies and said our
little prayers and jumped into bed.
We hadn't touched off a single frecracker or
tawpeter yet. because we had better use for EN-
me and Skip had. We had box of powder,
too. Early ia the morning we surprised Uncle
Horn and Aunt Philenda a whole lot We put
too much powder in the can that we put under
their bed, and after we touched it off the room
and the bed and the folks were sight to be-
hold.
And Uncle Horn said he would "vum y
Uncle Horn did. But Aunt Philenda reminded
him that boys would be boys, and SO he didn't
"yum" US that time.
And then Skip dared me to hold q irecracker
in my mouth when it went of. That's what
knocked my front teeth out so. Then we built
a dandy bonfire, and before we got through
me and Skip had our new clothes about burned
of from Us ana the barn got afre. Whew, how
1t burned Uncle Horn came running out with
the east side of his face shaved. Crickey, but
he looked funny He put the fire out before it
had burned all of the barn-roof of. He was
awful mad for SPELL and said, GOSH" We
hid out for whiie-De and Skip did.
Ne1l ofme-o by, We all started for the picnic
in the carriole. All the way to the picnic,
Uncle Horn wondered and wondered what
made the carriole rattle so much more than
usual And gee! how the people did
laugh when we entered the grove and they
Raw d 1OuS StIlNS Oh WlfeQ 10 the
behind axle of the carriole Uncle Horn said
LAWSUIT" lie and Skip swore we didn't
tie the cans onto the carriole. And that was
the truth, for We both said while we were do
ing it that we were tying the carriole to the
cans and not the cans to the carrole.
Me and Skip had all the frecrackers and
tagpeters we could use with both hands, aud
so much lemonade that we next thing to
busted. There was stand there with nora
tor on top Of it, and the glee club and some
persons. j wonder why they call 'em glee
clubs. The norator's voice was awful blood
shot-his voice was. He told us that il was
scarce 100 years ago since Christopher Column
bus and the buffalo. bear and other wild ami
mails ran perfectly wild through them very
woods. And We hollered hooraw at the wrong
time.
Skip slipped a small snake into the norator's
pitcher Of water, and he seen ii Just as he was
about to drink, and said
Good Lord! Have got em AGAIN."
That's what the norator said, and he looked
just awful.
The glee club sung whole lot of depressing
songs, bat it was kinder funny when big old
doOdle-bug hew down the fat bass singers
throat aud almost choked him to death, He
cougbed like horse.
And then We double-teamed and whipped
nearly dozen boys one at time, and then
Skip Turned aud whipped me, and after that
the boys we had whipped doubled up On us and
whipped Us both and flung US into the creek
That ruined our frecrackers and we had to
hunt up some little boys and take their'z away
from them.
And then dinner-time came and we stole
big basket Of grub and whipped the minister's
boy because he told on u.s. And the minister
chased us clear out of the timber for it, but
didn't ketch us. Aud we called him a
carned old Jlboose-me and Skip did
We got back in time to make the band men
cuss awful because we had rammed pertaters
and hsrG-boiled eggs and things into their
horns while they were off deadbeating their
dinners and flirting with the rosy-cheeked
country girls. Hully geei but they were
mad The music did sound awful. Every
now and then, all the afternoon, "ker-plurp !"
periater or egg would come out of a horn
And then old maid read the Declaration
OF Impudence in loud voice, and cranky
old woman poked this eye nearly out of nv
head because hOllcred rats.
Well, bime-by, we stole some seidlitz DOW
oers from a refreshment mans stand and gave
'em TO nice clean little mama's boy Then we
gave him some water, and pretty soon he acted
like cow that had eaten bushel of dried ap-
pies. be began to swell Up awful, and ffoth at
the mouth, and wbOp around on the ground
like snake with lis back broke and holier
like lost soul.
Some people thought he had the hydro-what-
you-Inay-ca!l-i;, and Others said Il was nawful
nt Me aud skip was afraid we'd killed him.
and so we went over and amused ourselves by
stealing box OF axie-grease and painting the
seats IN half dozen wagons with it. Ry the
time we had got through somebody had fetched
doctor, aud he pammaeked stumped mama's
boy out and saved bis life, the doctor did.
Bimc-by a Farmers Alliance statceman
mounted the stand, aud holiered through his
celluloid collar that the country was rushing
headlong TO The dogs; and that reminded me
and Skip Of something, ard we tied whole
bunch OF cannon-crackers onto the tail of a
long-coup!ed, nervous looking dog, and
touched 'em off,
Hully gee! You never saw such runnin' or
heard such kiyowing. People thought he was
mad. guess I'd been mad, too, if I'd had
cannon-crackers tied onto my tail. Tie dog
ran between the legs of big fat man and stood
him on his head, and an old maid, who thought
the dog was sure enough mad, clum tree
quicker than wink, and then hollered for
somebody TO take lier down again, and some.
thing or other skeered team of horses, and
they ran away, TOO, and struck a corner Of the
speakers stand and knocked it galley west.
sno the statesman turned The prettiest kind
o. sumEeFset ia the atmosphere, and sat right
Il