Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-02-07
HUMAN VIVISECTI0N.
A Splendid Thing to Practice to Make
One Ashamed of Himself
DIR. CONSCIENCE SHOULD ASSIST.
Solomon Went the Psalmist One Better
When He Said All Is Vanity.
ONE OF THE RACES ORIGINAL SINS
WRITTEN FOR THE prspArcz.1

and various sensible forms 1t must occur
now and then that she not only speaks a
polyglot dialect, but that she has certain
family resemblance to herself whereby a
man is better enabled to realize what man
ner of man he is by thoughtfully contem-
plating his neighbor, rather than by gazing
often and fixedly into the deceitful shallow
ness of his own mirror, which speaks the
word Of fattering promise to his own ad-
miring eyes, and breaks it like politicians
to other people.
have grown to be an ardent belieyf In
vivisection; not of animals, but men. L
know of no better way for man to learn
all about himself than by dissecting his
neighbors, studying them with honest and
conscientious care, and then applying the
result of his experiments in human vivisec-
tion to himself. The trouble with mamie
being about the meanest brute that lives,
anyhow-is that like great many vivisec-
tionists who confne their experiments to
the lower ard nobler order of animals, he
conducts his investigations from desire to
prove his neie bbor to be much worse than
himself, or from naturally human de-
than from any honest desire to improve
himself
Very Wholesome Piece OF Work.
But If you will put your mental and
moral operating tables IN order, get out
your instruments, the keenest and brightest
and cleanest and best, capture the meanest
man of your acquaintance, bandage and
strap him down, and then call in DR..
Conscience, your own personal physician, to
assist and declare the results Of your inves-
tigation, honestly comparing the condition,
the motives, the secret springs OF desire
and action in your own system as you lay
bare that of the bowling subject on the
table, tell you, my brother, after you and
the doctor have signed the report, you will
be ashamed to come out OF the operating
room until'after dark.
"You wouldn't?"
'eWell, you just try it, once One honest
experiment will last you for life time.
The trouble is you aren't likely to be
honest about it. We know you great
deal better than you think we do. You are
a citizen of such prominence that you can
not hope to hide your virtues or weaknesses
from the eyes of your neighbors. What!
Do you think you are the only vivisection-
ist in your neighborhood? Foolish man;
they had you strapped down on half a
dozen gridirons not two miles away from
your own house only last week.
"You didn't know it?"
The Chloroform of Absence.
Nav, of course not; we always chloro-
form the subject by the application of say
about mile and half of absence when We
roast him over slow fire to see him squirm,
or cut open his brain to see how it works,
or probe into mis- heart to see how it throbs
when it aches, or dissect his good name to
see how it was made, and forget to put it
together again. Dear man, I've attended
two or three clinical lectures on you my
self -----,.,F
s'Well, you have your faults, you expect,
you don't gossip"
Oh, mani And if I didn't sit on poor
George Gotleft's legs my own self the night
you were cutting him to see how badly he
felt over being blackballed at the Hodover
Club and getting defeated in his race for
Congress the same week. Oh?
"You merely discussed the affair from a
disinterested pointspf view, and didn't care
to know how he felt about lt?''
Say, ] told you dozen lines ago we know
all about you; 1 read about you in book
once. David began to write biographical
sketch of you in the 116th Psalm. He
wrote the eleventh verse and then turned to
a pleasanter subject.
The tact is. brethren, we do hate to ac-
knowledge that anyone else is quite so good
as ourselves We confess in loud voice
that we have strayed like lost sheep, but
we can't help thinking, some times with
glow of self-satisfacfion, that we mistake
for goodness" that there are lots of sheep,
miles and miles further out in the woods
than we ever were; we at least are close
enough to the fold to run into it on Sunday
for an hour and half We cry so that all
may hear, "Have mercy upon us miserable
Sinners" but we are apt to add codicil
to the effect that there is no earthly use
trying to have mercy on some sinners whom
we know.
What Two Old Men Found Out
Gall men are liars" the Psalmist de-
clared In his haste. while Solomon, in
later and quieter day, undisturbed by wars
and rebellion, with abundant leisure for
study and investigation; said with calm de-
GberatioE-and said it over and over-"All
is vanity" With allowances for shade of
difference in the meaning of the word there
and here, the son OF wisdom made good
snap shot of the natural man before the
camera was Invented. I don't know what
may be the prevailing vice of the race, but
vanity is the universal weakness
A peacock in the very summer of his tail
spreading splendor is shy, bashtuI, dis
trustful bird, compared with his two-Iegged
brother and sister who have no feathers of
their own, and depend for all their display
upon the products of their humble poor
relations" the beasts of the forest, the
birds OF the air, the sheep of the field, and
the worm that eats himself into q precious
wad on the mulberry tree. Vanityl Why,
it is born in the baby with its red, wrinkled
face, its gummy vail, and original sin. If
you want to see human pride, that puffeth
itself up until its feet scarce touch the
ground, look in ON the infant class Easter
morning, Then if you desire to see its
further development take glance at the
choir; then take long breath, shade your
eyes, and contemplate the congregation.
And then-then, if you have piece of
smoked glass with you, you might take a
look at the preacher when he comes in. I'll |
take that back; that's contemplate; but I'll
let it stand just to show how mean 1 am.
He ought to be allowed to feel proud of his
church one day in the year. There are so
many times the poor man has to feel
of it.
Not Confined to One Sex.
1t has long been a pleasing fiction in the |
minds of men that all the vanity of the
human family was monopolized by the fair
women of the household. Oh no, good my |
we talk about a woman's worship |
of new bonnet. Did you ever see a man |
saying his prayers to the makers stamp in |
the crown of his hat? There are men who |
wear 50 pairs of pantaloons year. You |
might think they would become accustomed |
to that sort of thing; but you can tell every |
time they put the new pair on. And the