Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1892-07-08
MAJOR Mandy.

| am a single lady-single, you will
please to understand, entirely because /
have refused many excellent offers. PRAY
don't imagine from this that / am old.
walls, and other women's offers come close
together Mine came remarkably close
together-so of course l cannot possibly
be old. Not that | presume to describe
myself as absolutely young, either; so
much depends on peoples points of view.
| have heard female children of the ages
of eighteen or nineteen called young la
dies. This seems to me to be ridiculous
and | have held that opinion, without once
waverng from it, for more than ten years
past. 1t is, after all, question of feeling,
and-shall confess it'll feel so youngl
live in tn suburbs, and have bought
my house. The major lives in the suburbs
next door to me, and he has bought his
house. don't object to this of course.
merely mention it to make things straight
Major Mandy has been twice married
His first wife-dear dear! how can ex-
press lt9 Shall | say, with vulgar abrupt
ness, that his first wife had a family And
must descend into particulars and add
that they are four in number and that two
of them are twins? Well, the words are
written; and if they will do over again for
the same purpose, beg to repeat them
in reference to the second Mrs. Mandy
still alive, who also had a family, and is
no, | really cannot say, is likely to 90 On
having one. There are certain limits in a
case of this kind, and | think I have
reached them. Permit me simply to state
that the second Mrs. Mandy has three
children at present. These, with the first
Mrs. Namby's four make total of seven
The seven are composed of five girls and
two boys. And the first Mrs Namby's
family all have one particular kind of con-
stitution, and the second Mrs. Namby's
family all have another particular kind Of
constitution. Let me explain once more
that merely mention these little matters
and that don't object to them.
My complaint against Major Mandy is,
lntplaln terms, that he transacts the whole
of his domestic business in his front
garden. Whether it arises from natural
weakness of memory from total want of
sense of propriety, or from a condition of
mind which is closely allied to madness of
the eccentric sort, cannot say. but the
major certainly does sometimes partially
and sometimes entirely forget his private
family matters, and the necessary direc-
tions connected with them while he is
inside the house, and does habitually re-
member them and repair all omissions by
bawlng through his windows at the top
OF ms voice as soon as he gets outside the
house. IL never seems to occur to him
that he might advantageously return in
doors, ana there mention what he has for
gotten in private and proper way
The instant the lost idea strikes him.
which it invariably does either in his front
garden or in the roadway outside his
house, he roars for his wife, either from
the gravel walk, or over the low wall and
Qf ! may use so strong an expression
empties his mind to her in public, without
appearing to care whose ears he wearies
whose delicacy he shocks or whose ridicule
he invites. If the man is not mad, his own
small family fuses have taken such COM
plete possession of all his senses that he is
quite incapable of noticing anything else
and perfectly impenetra5le to the opinions
of his neighbors. Let me show that the
grievance of which | complain is no slight
one by giving few examples Of the gen
eral persecution that suffer and the oc
casional shocks thst are administered to
my delicacy at the coarse hands OF Major
Mandy
We will say it is fine warm morning
am sitting in my front room, with the
window open, absorbed over deeply i'll
terestng book. | hear the door of the
next house bang; | look up and see the
major descending the steps into his front
garden
lie walks-no, he marches-half way
down the front garden path, with his head
/ "a nd oil.
and his military cane fiercely hourished in
his right hand. Suddenly he stops, stamps
with one foot, knocks up the hinder part
of the brim Of his extremely curly hat with
his left hand and begins to scratch at that
singuarly disagreeable looking roll of fat
red flesh in the back of his neck (Which
scratching, may observe, in parentheses,
Is always sure sign, in the case of this
horrld man, that a lost domestic idea has
suddenly come back to HIM. He waits a
moment IN the ridiculous position just de-
scribed, then wheels around on his heel,
looks up at the first floor window, and, in
stead of going back into the house to men
tion what he has forgotten, bawls out
hercely from the middle of the walk:
"MatildIw
| hear his wife's voice-a shockingly
shrill one; but what can you expect of q
woman who has been seen, over and over
again in "A slatternly striped wrapper as
late as O'clock in the afternoon | hear
his wfe's voice answer from inside the
house;
"Yes, dear"
IL said it was south wind"
YES, dear"
ut isn't a south Mind"
"Lor', dear"
tits ou'east. won't have Georgina
taken out today (Georgina is one of the
first Mrs Namby's family and they are
all weak in fhe chest.) Where's nursei"
Here, sir"
Nurse. won't have Jack allowed to