Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1892-01-03
FUNNY FACTS TOLD.
WHAT THE ioLEa HEARD AND SAW
IN HIS WEEKS RAMBLEs.
ehs Lady Understood rrsech and Heard
Her Hat Abassd--rarsued by an Iratc
Lover-New-yeas's Resolutions.

oeei from my position IN life look down
upon your misdoings and sadly contem.
plate the misery and woes you sometimes
cause IA. Only last week one OF my
friends was lodging behind every available
ash- barrel and pursuing his way at night
through silent side streets. aud all because
. man was after HIM with o pistol. Why
did this man pursue my friend with re-
volver? Because there was a woman In
the case, OF course. The gentleman who
rnomentariIy expecred 20 be hurled into
eternity by u pisioi-bsll told me all his
troubles and besought advice. The only
puggestion could offer was TO advise ham
TO keep out OF the way OF the deadly In
strument Both the pursued and the pur-
euer live In the beautiful West End
where the crystal fountains Of Mon
roe Park hurl themselves into eternal
spray against the rocks of the aqueduct.
and where General Wickham. IN en-
during bronze, looks benignly down upon
the populace. The pursuer knew and
loved little maid with that tender pas
pion which can only be acquired after one
has loved some sixteen girls before. But
alas dark clouds hittedacross tho horizon
OF his youthful JOY. The pursued made
his appearance. He twisted his verdant
moustache with a cOmplacent sir OF self
satisfaction, and determined 10 rob the
pursuer of his lady love.
How the patent-leather shoes of the
pursued did shine How glossy his col
lar was and bow natural IT was for the
little maid to like him. Certainly it was
NO harm TO break an engagement with
him who afterwards flourished the re-
volver and allow the other one the
pleasure of visit. At any rate this ~
what the lady did. Now, the young man
who thus found himself honored had a
CONSCIENCE. This conscience told h:m
that the girl did wrong. He told her she
ought to write and explain 70 the
willingness 10 do this, but said
she didn't exactly know how TO GO about
It. The pursued sad be could write the
requisite letter, and that all the lady would
have to do was 10 copy and mail It. The
plan was agreed upon and The epistie sent.
What the exact result was 90 not know;
bat some time atterward the little mad
had occasion to write several very severe
letters TO the pursuer. Somehow II reached
the ears of the unfortunate young man
that his rival had been debating them.
No words can express the rage that came
over HIM. He loaded his weapon with
blood-ourdling yehemence and swore TO
vengo. Then II was that the moustache-
twuler saw that an awful tate menacel
him. Then it was that he became Blended
with the shadows of ash-barrels, and then
it was that only silent crOss-streets heard
the noise of his footsteps. AT last the pur-
euer and the pursued came together, ana
while the reyenge-seeker was trying TO re-
member how the pistol worked, his rlval
had "a chance to explain. lie stated that
he had ONLY written tho first letter, and
that be did this from the kindest motives.
A. for The severe epistles, he knew nothing
about them. The revolver was subse;,
quenty pawned. the young men kissed
again in tears" and peace and happiness
now reigns.
A few nights ago the Idle Reporter at
tended delightful little social gathering,
where the girls were all charming and the
entertainment highly enjoyable. In the
early part Of the evening an informal con-
yersation was INDUCED IN and the french
language was discussed. / told the young
ladies. who were for the most part school :
girls. that although i had gotten nine al
plomas on modern languages while at col
jege, when / went 10 French theatre the
only thing | understood was one Latin
quotation. One of the ladies, who had
won high honors at an educational lnstl-
tuition IN this CITY. stated that her eHperi-
ences had been equally as uniortu-
nate, though she certainly retained a
better knowledge of the euphonious Ian
Cuage than | did. She, too, went TO "a
iheatre-I don't know whether the play
was in English or French-but at any rate
two men commenced talking French be-
hind her. II was perfectly natural that the
young lady should test her knowledge,
so she listened to see If she could
understand their words. Now, the lar
one. like many others of her sex, hal worn
III l.rca hot n fha MAY and
when the word chdpoGu reached her ears
ehe instantly surmsed what was being dis,
cussed, aud So of course she listened al
the more. 1t soon became evident that
the men were taking about her prodigi'
GUS piece of headgcar. They heaped male
dictions upon 1t, and entirely forgot that
their words, in any language, would have
been decidedly unbecomlng. The owner
of the mammoth hat became exceedingly
embarrassed, and finally she whispered 70
her lady companion IN an audible tone:
"Those men are talking about my hat.
OF course the pair of individuals who I'M
wisely believed that they were the only
human beings who understood French,
were horrifed when they discovered that
their remarks had gone farther than they
expected. One made hasty apology ano
tried to explain himself, but" said the
young lady to me, they had been so avs
courteous tUnI w htNP ihN
hat on during the whole performance, ano
] did. III they had asked me 10 remove II
before making the disagrceablo ILLUSIONS
I would willingly have done so.'
"Do you know that some people talk
me 20 DEATH" said the fellow who has
nothing to do as he caught me scamper
ing OF to dinner yesterday with just ter
A. - ,,nal N I tnft
him that knew some people ailectcd ns
that way, but he didn't see the point, and
straichtway proceeded to tell me a Joke
Immediately recognized IL as one l had
translated from the Sanskrit ten years
ago, out coiling myself around water
plug prepared to listen with gleesome
smile upon my face and a tiendish chuckl'
on INV lips. "Yes." continued the fellow
obliyious Of the fact that eight minutes OF
my dinner-hour had gone, some people
verify chm me TO death. Only few
DAYS ago was awfully busy--as / always
am-and yet fell into the clutches of q
man who was determined to talk to me.
/ listened patiently for an hour and still
he wagged his untirlng tongue. lie
seized me by button on my
coat and held me squirming there
writhed and / wriggled. made thou
sand excuses. The man stun talked; !
grew uCNDJIhlcs 4iRHu iihNtA.bR ANN
and mercy sighed farewell The day
wore on, and yet i suffered. At last
frengiod with grief. and wild from IN.
terrible affection, an idea struck me.
slipped my hand in my pocket: drew
forth my knife. opened the blade. DEITY
cnt the button upon which the yilleiI
Jung. Free from his clutches ! flee
through the now disappointing twi
light like q meteor. The 'chinner' di'
not note my escape. He talked on and GA
still clinging TO that button. Two hour,
later came back TO the spot whore L haC
escaped from my friend. and he was still
expstiating, but the button had care
worn cok, and was bowed down with
w BIT OF woe" When the man haS
ulshed telling the Joke to me | laughed /
long weird, mournful laugh, and departe,
ne office. l had lost my dinner. but
hal heard the Joke. love the antique anG
respect old age. Therefore l was full,
compensated.
The usual number of good resolution
sere made when the old year died and thu
new one came in. Some young men re
solved to spend less money, TO be more
dutifui, and what required still more do
termination 10 stop smoking. Solemn