Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1892-07-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

There would be no mysteries In TINS
world if everything We're looked lheo
as often as a mirror is.-Pnck.
The professional thief is sometimes
called a bird of prey, and yet he's only
a-robbin'.-Binghanston Leader.
Don't you think that farce com
edias are being overworked?" NOT
exactly; they are being worked oVer.
Washington Star.
Every mar who hates his enemies
believes that there ought to be a hell,
no matter whether he believes N the
Bible or not.-Ram's Horn.
They have a brand of whisky IN
Kentucky known as the Horn OF
Plenty" because it will corn you
copiously.-Tsras Sytings.
Clara-"Do you see how the shape
of this gown could be ~improyed!"
Maude-@You might get some other
CIR to wear it."-CEoaE ReUtet0.
Your friend will always be pleased
to learn that you are getting on nicely
just so long as you are not getting
ahead of characterization Meas.
High School Teacher-"Why do
comedies always end with a mar
riage?" Pupil-"Because that is where
the tragedy begins. lie Figaro.
Friend-"What is your idea in call
ing you new book "A Secret?"
Author-"I expect the ome to buy
it and give it away."-N. 7. Herald.
Jonson-~Why have you stopped
shaving. Jimson?" Jimson-"Because
it is easier to raise a beard than it is
to raise 10 cents. "-Brooktyn Times. -
One of the most persistent forces in
nature is the needle, which always
carries its point and always has an
eve out for business.-LOWeH Courier.
wont you smile, please?" said the
photographer to the sitter. Ger
tainly," was the ready reply. do you
carry a flask or shall we have TO go
down street?"-EpOch.
Where's Arlington street,"
Policeman-"Faith, dunno" Stranger
(surprised)-"You don't know" Po-
Iiceman-"That's pfwhat | said. Move
onw-HarUGrd LGmpoon.
Ouackenbach Congratulate me,
old fellow. | have obtained control of
a patent medicine" Friend-"What
is It good for?" Quackenbach-"Any
prevailing epidemic. "-Puck.
Mrs. Oldbride-"How do you like
my furniture? You notice it is all of
antique pattern" Her Dear Friend
Il see. Nothing could be more APP
propriate. Boston Transcript.
MY boy" said the aged poet to the
son Of a lately deceased publisher, Il
owe your father a debt | a never re-
paw. He threw my first book into the
waste basket. "-Harper'S Bazar.
Shocked Lady--"Do you know what
becomes of little boys who swearP"
Little Boy-"Yes'm. Wen they gifts
big 'nough they kin earn two an a
half a day driyin' a team."-GOod
NeUS.
Decentralization would you like
your costume made, madam" Mrs.
Clownrich-"S'pose you make it with
one of those vestibule trains that I've
heern talked of lately."-Boston But
letin.
enthusiastically have just made the
mistake of my life" Ringway-"How
SOP" Featherstone-"I was foolish
enough to call on my doctor in a silk
hat, and he charged me double rates"
Judge.
Clara-"Haye you heard the start
ling news about Kitty Van Twiller?"
Maude-"Why, no. Do tell me quick"
Clara-"lt is reported that she is 60
ing to marry the man to whom she is
engaged "-Epoch.
Il meyer withhold anything from my
wife. | tell her every night all that |
have done during the day." And do
you tell her every day what you have
done during the night?" "Well, that's
differently. y. San.
Il consider the pen mightier than
the sword" said McFeeder as he trans
ferred the last two pieces of pie to his
plate. Il don't doubt it," said his
meek little wife. Your habits at the
table make it seem very probable."-
Pack.
Gertrude-"You never do anything
churches, and read those old books of
theology. You never used to be like
that" Margaret-"How can / help it,
Gerty? I'm writing a popular novel;"
Punch.
1t was a bright star-lit night, and
she leaned heavily on his arm as she
asked: Don't You think the stars are
lovely?". Yes" he answered absent
ly, 81 do; but there are some pretty
good ones in the chorus, too."-Wash-
tngton Star.
do be careful what you say in your
poems addressed to me-" pleaded his
t~iancee, because all my friends read
your poetry" "Tbag's all right" the
poet answered; mo n knows you by
the pet name of Phyllis, and no one
would ever recognize you by my de-
s~criptions."
Papa, said little 4~-year-old Tommy,
81 wish you would tell me what 18th a
proyerb?' His pa-"Well, my child,
here is n that applies to you just
now: Speech is silver: silence is
golden" There you CO." exclaimed
Tommy, IN disgust, bringing up that
everlathin quethtion of bimetalithm."
Boston Post.
Bulfnch-"How much is this Their
mometer?' Clerk "Seventy-five
certs:" Bulfnch-eWhy, l got one
just like it here couple of days ago
for tDrty cents" Clerk-"What time
in the day did you buy it2" Bulfinch
-"A0out 8 o'clock in the morning
Clerk-"Ah, well, it's II o'clock now;
thermometers are always higher at
noou,"-Boston Courier.
First DireGtor-"I I'M sorry to in
form you, gentlemen, that our presi-
dent has been engaged fer several
years in enriching himself at the ex-
pense of the company. In what way
shall we express our indignation for
his crime?" Chorus of Directors
only stern measures will suffice. We
will dismiss him peremptorily, with a
pension of $4,000 . yea, Boston
Transcript. -
"How's this? You said you intended
to propose to Miss ClamWhaoper this
evening, and here you ars back before
3 o'clock. She surely didnsE refuse
yoqP" "No-oI didn't prppuSes l
concluded TO postpone tho Afestion.p
Nov, see here, John, if ~yvsfdont get
that girl its Your W faqlts HE idea
of being such coward-yoa who htve
bravely walked up to the eannon's
mouth" Yes, but the cannon
hadn't been eating onions."-7s1as
Sittings.
A poor woman applied to the lady
in charge of a charitable instita.ioa,
Have you a husband?" inquired the
lady. "Yes'm," answered the woman,
"but he's poorly and can't make a liv-
ing" How many. children have
your" Thirteen. num-" "Thirteen,"
replied the lady with surprise. "Yes'm,