Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1892-08-27
A BACHELORS PERIL.

have old bachelorhood thrust on them-and
the former class belonged to our major
You could have picked him out in a null
titude; If he had been labeled, like an an
tediluvian fossil or a dried specimen Of en-
tomology, there couldn't have been more
certainty in the matter.
He was dapper thin little man, some
thing under five feet in height, with a
glossy black wig, closely trimmed side
whiskers and costume so daintily neat that
he reminded You OF shining black catl
He took Turkish bath in the morning
and Russian bath in the evening; he
came home to dinner at IL precisely, and
went to bed at II at night, with his boots
standing at the foot Of his bed and his
stockings at the head, and his wig elevated
on his gas fixture, and every chair In the
room standing at right angles with the
wall
It was high noon on a sparkling, windy
March day when Major Teller came home
TO the antique down town boarding house
where he had vegetated for the last twenty
years and went 20 his own room to brush
his wig for the midday meal. Opening
the door he stumbled over an obstacle in
the way.
'Oh, beg your pardon, Pm sure" said
ing his footing with difficulty.
II was Miss Patience Pettigrew on her
hands and knees cleaning off the oilcloth
at the door.
Now the major was afraid of Patience
afraid of her as the plump lamb fears the
gaunt wolf, or the unOilending robin the
dire serpent. Miss Patience was tall and
lean and sallow, but she curled her hair
and wore an artificial rose over her left
ear, and sang little whistling tunes TO
little spindle legged piano, and firmly be-
heved that if she only waited little
longer she would get married to somebody
And because the major sat opposite her at
the table--AIiss Patience helped her wild
owed sister keep house" and served out
the gravy and sauces-and regarded her
artificial rose and bears grease curl with
sort Of fearful fascination, Miss Patience
somehow Opined that she should one day
Cupid willing, become Mrs Major Teller
IT'S Of no consequence, major" said
Miss Patience, recovering her piece OF soap
which had skirmished out 10 the middle
Of the carpet. II hope your fire isn't outP'
Thank you, ma'am it is very good"
II do wonder, major" said Miss Pa
thence, with premoDitOry giggle, why
you never got married
the coal scuttle and made no reply.
You'd be so much more comfortable,
you know" added Miss Patience, wiring
ing out her wooden cloth and looking so
lovingly on the major that he retreated
still farther into his wardrobe, where,
among the swinging efiigies Of coats and
trousers, he felt com paratively safe
Miss Patience hesitated a moment, and
in that moment the major felt all the an
ticipatory agonies Of being pursued, cap
tured, brought forth and possibly married
before he could get breath 10 demonstrated
But she finally took up her pail and van
ished.
Dear me, that was a very narrow es-
cape" thought our hero, emerging from
his sanctuary. "Some day she will be too
much for me. Perhaps I'd better change
my boarding place. Yes-that will be the
only safety. suppose couldn't very we'll
have her sworn over TO keep the peace,
and really there's no saying what de-
termined woman Of fifty might not do
I'll look out for a new place tomorrow"
Dear me, major, you have no Ape
tite," said Miss Patience sweetly at the
dinner table.
mo, maam," said the major
Try to eat little-just to please me.
major"
mo, i thank you, ma'aml"
Don't you know, major, people will say
you are in love II you don't eat moror'
smiled the antiquated spinster.
This was more than our hero could en-
dure; he rose up and left Miss Pettigrew
triumphant victor Of the wordy field.
II won't go back 10 that house IL can
help IT," thought Major Teller, brushing
the cold dew away from his forehead with
a crimson silk pocket handkerchief. Her
intentions are serious; know they are"
And the major in his innermost mind
reviewed the catechism and hymns he had
learned as a child, trying TO think II there
was not some invocation particularly suit
ed TO an elderly gentleman in great peril
and perplexity. But he could not remem-
Der anything appropriate to his particular
case.
It's twenty years since I've been in the
inside Of a church." thought the penitent
old offender 81 wish | had gone little
more regularly. / wonder IL it's too late
In life to reform"
For the major, poor old gentleman, had
a vague idea that religion" would be a
sort Of safeguard against the wiles Of his
fair enemy. Deliverance from Miss Pa
thence Pettigrew must be obtained on some
teffls OF OtneT
As Major Teller was frantically revolv-
ing these things in his mind he came 10 a
sudden and involuntary standstill. There
was crowd gathered in the street-a
stalled electric, or an arrested pickpocket,
or some other nucleus around which gath
ers the rapidly increasing swarm Of metro
politan loafers. Now Of all things, Major
Teller most dreaded a crowd, and he looked
around nervously for some means Of es-
cape
An old fashioned church, with open
doors and some sort on service going ON in
side, caught the majors eye. He made an
instantaneous dart for its hinge gothic por-
tails, shielded by inner doors Of green baize.
TITS a good chance to think up some
thing solemn and appropriate, and that
sort Of thing, until the crowd gets by" he
thought, settling himself In the corner Of
one Of the softly cushioned pews TO listen