Lawrence democrat. (Lawrenceburg, Tenn.) 1884-1925, 1892-01-22
HIS GREAT INVENTION.
An ExcenOnt Device for Husbands VIII
Stay Out Nights.

Stay Out Nights.
A gentleman we'll known In club cir
cles on the South Side has unquestioned
claims to the gratitude and admiration
Of a large, influential, and long-suffer-
Ing portion of human kind.
The citizen has just applied for pat
ent for what he calls "The Married
Mans Indicator"
1t is wonderfully sensitive arrange
ment of the ordinary thermometer in
convenient pocket size, and is graded to
scale of cabalistic marks, which show
the exact state Of the domestic atmos-
phere at any hour of the night
The hard-worked and belated hus-
band arrives home, say, about mid
night. He takes out the indicator,
thrusts it in the keyhole and lets it re-
main there few seconds. Pulling it
out quickly he scans the dial by the
moonlight's fitful cleaning.
1t it is marked rs. A." (sound asleep,
the husband pulls off his boots noise
lessly, uses the latch-key with bated
breath, gives the door quick pull to
keep it from creaking, steals trem bling
ly to bed, and when his dear wife
wakes up shortly afterward, and wants
to know how long he has been home,
he is sound aleep.
If the indicator scores "a. A. G. B. D.
n X. W. 7. l. l." awake, awfully
cross, but does not know what time 1t
is), the husband opens the door boldly
and walks in with a slap-bang air, hits
his boots Intentionally against the
chair, wants to know why chairs don't
keep out of the way, gets desperately
angry on general principles, scares his
wife out of her crossness and curtain
lectures, refuses to let her get up and
strike a match-never did like q light
at night, remarks gruff1y in response to
timid query that ''it's about twenty
minutes after ten," and then turns into
bed in such an apparently terrible state
of mind that the wife of his bosom is
afraid to speak to him. at which he Is
very sad, of course.
There are other marks on the indica-
| tor showing just when 1t will do to play
the '1odge dodge" OF the sick friend,
or "been standing at the corner talking
to So-and-so for more than an hour" or
General or Honorable this or that,
from you know where, was in town,
and had to go away by the two o'clock
train, and he insisted so strongly that
the whole party stayed up to see him
off, although.4he was a great bore, and
we only did it through courtesy" But
the most awful of all cabalistic signs is
the one on the top, about two marks
above boiling point
When the weary husband comes about
a. m. and sticks the Indicator in the
keyhole he is almost too weak to draw
1t out With hair on end he reads it by
the faint light streaming In upon him
from over the eastern hills and sees the
bulb Of the indicator jammed smack up
against ''R. H., S.WF. .Y.IT.D." (red
hot; still waiting for you inside the
door,. The inventor of the instrument
says that when man has this terrible
misfortune overtake him he feels there
is nothing left in life worth living for.
He braces himself for the coming
fray, but says nothing, for nothing can
be said No lodge, no sick friend, no
talking at the corner, no sitting up to
see the general off, no vowing he will
never do it sgain-in fact, nothing will
prevail. 1t is an indefensible case.
He is caught Even the ghastly
gayety with which two hours previous
he had said to his fellow-sinners, than
he would see it out, might as well be
killed for sheep as a lamb" has all
vanished The indicator having told
him the exact state of things, he knows
exactly what to do, and there is nothing
but get in bed at once and wrap the
drapery of his couch about him, pull
the pillow over his ears, and wait for
his wife's breath TO give out It's aw-
full while it lasts but it has its use in
relieving the unfortunate husband OF
his great load of anxiety. The indica-
tor is great invention. Chicago Inter
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