The Portland daily press., 1892-12-22
FOR THE UNWOR THY.
Howard Fielding DiseloSes Some Of
His Christmas Plans.
Some Unique and Appropriate Presents
for People Whom We All Know
A Most Excellent Exercise
in Generosity.
TcorYRIGHT, 1927

tCOrYRIGHT, loS2.
In this charitable season, when the
rich, who need nothing, get SO many
presents, while the poor, who need
everything, get an advance of two dol
lars on their rent, I often take an hour
to think of the great gifts I would make
if I had wealth. I generally wrap
piece of cloth around the clapper of our
bell SO that people with bills can amuse
themselves without annoying others,
and then / sit with half-shut eyes and
make everybody happy-in my mind.
Afterward ! go out and buy present for
Misunderstanding useful, something
we can both use, as an umbrella, or an
easy chair suited to person six feet
two inches in height and SO thin that he
must depend for his comfort entirely
upon the upholsterer.
am liberal, you see, in real life; but
when fall to dreaming there is really
no limit to my generosity. Igive to all
the people who do not deserve it, and
this requires great wad of money. l
bestow gold pieces upon our janitor,
and the surprise kills him, and he dies
very, very hard. This is one of my
pleasantest fancies. The last time I
gave him any thing in reality 1t was a
half dollar, and l remember chasing
him down three flights of stairs in or
der to borrow thirty cents of it back to
nav the iceman. But in the Christmas
season of my dreams there is no cur
rency except red gold, and the beggar
ON Park row by night no longer blesses
me for plugged Canadian dime.
/ 60 to my tailor and forgive him and
settle his little bill. And when he re-
covers consciousness order three hun
dred dollars worth of pantaloons, pay
ing cash in advance. They are all made
from one measure and as soon as
they are done I summon thirty poor
men, as miscellaneous in their deforni-
ty as company of stage soldiers.
Then each man selects the pair OF
pantaloons which comes nearest to fit
ting him, and some of them go away
quite happy.
That is the object of such an institu-
ton as Christmas-to make people
,happy-and somehow the undeserving
have capacity for enjoyment which is
rarely found among the good. Take
nv friend Jimmie, for instance. I
know what Jimmie would like for a
Christmas present, and he shall have it
when my dream comes true. What
Jimmie wants is a perpetual two-dollar
loan. A lump of money would afford
him no permanent satisfaction; he
would probably lend it to some other
poor sinner, and never get it back. He
couldn't understand wealth, but he
knows what it is to want two leases, -
and to get them and spend them, and
then want them twice as hard the next
day | will have a machine built for
Jimmie. and at any hour of the day or
night he shall be able to drop tale of
woo into the slot and get two sinkers.
I have comparatively little knowledge
of machines, but think that machine
can be built strong enough to take in one
of Jimmie's stories without getting Sc
riously out of order. Perhaps it can
also receive his promise to pay without
fail on the following Saturday and
never start a rivet; but / shall not ask
the mechanic who makes it to guaran-
tee the machine in case Jimmie should
bring back the money. He always
means to do IL bless him., and it does
his heart good to feel the honest, manly
determination to prove his gratitude by
prompt payment. But the first time he
does it the sun and moon will fall out
of the sky. If the machine worked
without the story and the promise it
would be of no use to him; SO they shall
be essential, because wish to make
him happy, as he hasn't been hereto
fore, Pm afraid; for, after all, you
know, it isn't real good fun to be Dor
rover when people are SO stingy with
their money.
There is man who always makes
me pay his fare when we ride together
on the elevated road. I am going to
give him bushel of tickets. OF course
I do not expect him to deposit any of
them in the box, but think it will give
him pleasure to have his pockets full OF
them when step up to the window to
buy for him and for myself. He gets a
great deal of fun, as it is, by following
me up the stairs crying: "Let me get
'em; I've got dime right handy" He
couldn't be forced up ahead of me by an
hydraulic press. He likes to see me
change bill at the window and receive
the handful of strange bogus which the
ticket seller always gives, especially il
he has previously had the pleasure OF
rejecting my last dime on the ground
that it has been bitten by a mosquito.
Then hold out my hand and take Null
berry bend nickles and fattened bull.
lets and Chinese farthings at pint and
o half to the cent, and fan tan chips
and wampum till my pockets bulge out
with the worthless stuff. All this the
fellow who never pays his fare enjoys
to certain extent, but want him to
get even more fun out of it, so shall
give him the tickets. would like also
to do something for the ticket sellers,
and / am thinking of giving each Of
them a quart of brass suspender but
tons, which can be readily passed as
fve-dollar gold pieces by men who
have had as much practice as they
have.
shall remem Der the man who drops
=. - al 49, 90 1x,.;oe xubiJa on, a porLr