Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1892-09-16
A BACHELORS PERIL,

| If ever there was foreordained bach
elor, that man was Major Teller. Some
men are born to old bachelorhood-oth
have old bachelorhood thrust on them-and
the former class belonged to our major.
| You could have picked him out in null
titude; if he had been labeled, like an an
! tediluvian fossil or dried specimen of en-
| tomology, there couldn't have been more
certainty in the matter.
He was dapper, thin little man, some
thing under five feet in height, with a
glossy black wig, closely trimmed side
whiskers and costume SO daintily neat that
he reminded you of shining black catl
He took a Turkish bath in the morning
and Russian bath in the evening: he
came home to dinner at 10 precisely, and
went to bed at II at night, with his boots
standing at the foot of his bed and his
stockings at the head, and his wig elevated
on his gas fixture, and every chair in the
room standing at right angles with the
wall.
1t was high noon on sparkling, windy
March day when Major Teller came home
to the antique down town boarding house
where he had vegetated for the last twenty
years and went to his own room to brush
his wig for the midday meal. Opening
the door he stumbled over an obstacle in
the way.
"Oh, beg your pardon, I'm sure" said
the major. turning very red and recover
ing his footing with difficulty.
1t was Miss Patience Pettigrew on her
hands and knees cleaning off the oilcloth
at the door.
Now the major was afraid of Patience
afraid of her as the plump lamb fears the
gaunt wolf, or the unofending robin the
dire serpent Miss Patience was tall and
lean and sallow, but she curled her hair
and wore an artificial rose over her left
ear, and sang little whistling tunes to a
little spindle legged piano, and firmly be-
lieved that if she only waited little
longer she would get married to somebody!
And because the major sat opposite her at
the table-Miss Patience helped her wild
owed sister 'keep house" and served out
the gravy and sauces-and regarded her
artificial rose and bears grease curl with
sort of fearful fascination, Miss Patience
somehow opined that she should one day,
Cupid willing, become Mrs. Major Teller!
''It's Of no consequence, major" said
Miss Patience, recovering her piece of soap,
which had skirmished out to the middle
of the carpet. Il hope your fire isn't out!"
"Thank you, ma'am; it is very good"
II do wonder, major" said Miss Pa
thence, with premonitory giggle, "why
you never got married"
The major retired precipitately behind
the coal scuttle and made no reply.
you'd be SO much more comfortable,
you know" added Miss Patience, wiring
ing out her wooden cloth and looking so
lovingly on the major that he retreated
still farther into his wardrobe, where,
among the swinging efigies of coats and
trousers, he felt comparatively safe.
Miss Patience hesitated a moment, and
in that moment the major felt all the an
ticipatory agonies of being pursued, cap
tured, brought forth and possibly married
before he could get breath to demonstrate!
But she finally took up her pail and van
ished.
"Dear me, that was very narrow es-
CAPE" thought our hero, emerging from
his sanctuary. "Some day she will be too
much for me- Perhaps I'd better change
my boarding place. Yes-that will be the
only safety. I suppose l couldn't very well
have her sworn over to keep the peace,
and really there's no saying what a de-
termined woman of fifty might not do.
| I'll look out for a new place tomorrow"
Dear me, major, you have no appe-
tite," said Miss Patience sweetly at the
dinner table.
mo, ma'am," said the major,
"Try to eat ittle-just to please me,
major"
| "No, l thank you, ma'am!'
Don't you know, major. people will say
| you are in love if you don't eat more?"
| smiled the antiquated spinster.
| This was more than our hero could en-
dure; he rose up and left Miss Pettigrew
triumphant victor OF the wordy field.
81 won't go back to that house if I can
| help it," thought Major Teller, brushing
the cold dew away from his forehead with
a crimson silk pocket handkerchief. "Her
| intentions are serious; know they are"
| And the major in his innermost mind
reviewed the catechism and hymns he had
| learned as a child, trying to think if there
was not some invocation particularly suit
| ed to an elderly gentleman in great peril
and perplexity. But he could not remem-
Der anything appropriate to his particular
| case.
cts twenty years since I've been in the
inside of church," thought the penitent
old offender. 81 wish | had gone little
more regularly. wonder if it's too late
in life to reform!"
For the major. poor old gentleman, had
vague idea that religion" would be &
sort of safeguard against the wiles of his
fair enemy. Deliverance from Miss Pa
| thence Pettigrew must be obtained on some
terms or other.
AS Major Teller was frantically revolv
ing these things in his mind he came to 6
sudden and involuntary standstill. There
was a crowd gathered in the street,
stalled electric, or an arrested pickpocket
or some other nucleus around which gath
ers the rapidly increasing swarm of metro
politan loafers Now of all things, Majol
Teller most dreaded a crowd. and he looked
around nervously for some means of es
cape.
An old fashioned church, with oper
doors and some sort OF service going on in
side, caught the majors eye. He made al
instantaneous dart for its huge gothic por
tails, shielded by inner doors of green baize
Its good chance to think up some
thing solemn and appropriate, and tina
sort of thing, until the crowd gets by" h
thought, settling himself in the corner O
one of the softly cushioned pews to Estel
to the mild, droning voice of the old cler
gyman.
The church was very warm, and tn
light, softened by purple and golden ant
crimson glass, was dim and the clergy
mans voice rather monotonoIs, and Majo
Teller was unconsciously becoming rathe
drowsy when plump old lady came il
and the sexton beckoned him from hi
seat.
But the sermon was over, and people wer
streaming down the aisle, and the majo
felt that he didn't care to prolong tn
thing, and that he had done very lauda
BILE act in coming to church, and
Even while these ideas were passing in
distinctly through his brain he was born
toward the altar in an upward eddy of tn
crowd and felt a gaunt arm thrust through
his.
"Protect me, major! Oh, save me" whis
pered Miss Patience Pettigrew. "Pm S
feared in crowd alwaysP'
The major strove to withdraw his arm
but Miss Pettigrew would not let him
They were standing directly in front of tn
altar, arm in arm. The minister, old an
nearsighted and a little deaf, advanced
, probably concluding that his services wer
required.
Major Teller's blood ran cold He trie