Sullivan republican. [volume] (Laporte, Pa.) 1883-1896, 1892-10-14
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

A salt-seller-The vendor of cod fish.
The criminal always wants more time
until he is convicted.
It is always best to insure. In fact,
it's matter of policy.
81 am banking on you," as the farmer
said as he proceeded to hill up his po-
tatoes.-Dallas News.
AS for putting the screws down on a
man, there is no one can do it SO effect
lively as the undertaken.
Riggs-"How long has your wife kept
servants" Jiggs-"Two weeks, some
times. ."-Elmira Gazette.
"Your cousin is welded to charity, is
she nots" "Oh, no; she has only
promised to be sister to it."-Harper's
Bazaar.
Ethel-"What faultless dresser Mr..
Lightcoinis." Etta-"Yes; Victor says
that 9 en- his bills are tailor made y
Chicag Inter. Ocean.
New 8arber-"Excuse me, sir; have
you got Aour mug here2" Mr.. Mulligan
-'Yis, roight in this chair, ON top av
me neck. National Barber.
Most of us like to hear ourselves talk,
hut after we have wrestled with the tele
phone we are content if we can hear the
other fellow.-New York Sun.
Miss Blossom" didn't see you at
the Barclay ball." Miss Budd-'It
was probably because 1 was surrounded
by men all the time. "-Brooklyn Life.
"Don't you think Widgely is distress
lngly boisterous9" "Well. yes; he
wears such loud trousers he has to shout
to make himself heard. Chicago
News.
Boarder-"1t seems to me that every
morning the past week the cakes have
grown smaller" Landlady-"You
probably forget that these are flannel
cakes. ."-Chicago InterO Ocean
Johnny (reading)-"Say, pa, what is
a debt Of honor2" Pa (who has had ex-
perience)-'It is where dear friend
borrows $50 till the next morning, and
you never see him again. brooklyn
Life.
81 think" said Willie Washington,
"that Miss Pepperton is typical guhl
of the perwiod, you know" "Why2"
"Because she puts full stop to all my
proposals OF marwiage. Washington
Star.
Jess-"I thought you hated Jack and
yet you have accepted him." Bess-'I
did hate him, but he proposed under an
umbrella, and said if I refused him he
would let the rain drop on my new hat"
Boston Post.
Didn't Stop to Think: Miss Eberby
-"You have never met my eldest sister,
have you2" Cevcrton--"Why, no,
Miss Elderly. didn't suppose it was
possible that you had an elder sister. -
Detroit Free Press.
Neighbor-"And you expect to sup
port my daughter on $40 weeka"
Clarklets-''Yes, SIR Neighbor-
"Well, go ahead; my heart refuses, but
my pocketboo., consents. She costs me
$5O."-New YORK Herald.
Men arc so peculiar that as n rule q
man tells his wife the most when she
asks him the least questions. A turtle
will keep its head in if it is poked and
bothered, and man is great deal like
turtle.-Atchison Globe.
When man is possessed of mania
to steal a woman's shoe, the Germans
call it hustechlmonomanie. 1t
makes one shudder to think of what
they might call it if the woman herself
was stolen.-Buffalo Express.
Chappie-"Fweddie, do l walk little
strangely this evening" Fweddic-
"Just twifie one-si.ed, deah boy"
Chappie-"I told that howld bweastly
bahber that he was painting my hair a
little to one side. Chicago Inter Ocean.
Penelope-"I don't like to see you
dangling around with mere boys all the
time. What do you find that's so in
teresting in that smooth-faced young
Faris2" Perdita-"Why, Pen, his face
isn't so smooth as it looks. Brooklyn
Life.
"Dismisscd from your boarding
house! Whyg" "Wcll, the landady
said would either have to roduce my
weight or 60, and I can'treduce. "But
why did she want you to get thin?"
"She said my appearance aroused ex-
penslve hopes on the part OF the other
bosrders. ."--Brooklyn Eagle.
Most people have two kinds of man
ners. One they use in the kitchen and
the other is saved for parlor use. You
never know man until you know his
kitchen manners. One reason that mar
riage brings out SO many unpleasant sur
prises is that the courtsbip was based on
the parlor manners. .--Atchisoa Globe.
The family had stewed tomatoes for
dinner and one of the diuers found
something round and hard in spoonful
of the vegetable. 1t turned out to be a
drop of solder that had fallen in when
the can was being sealed. 1t was shown
to the baby with the explanation that it
was a pretty little bullet. Then the
baby, who happens to be a boy of about
four years and very much interested in
guns, looked up and asked; do they
shoot tomatoes to kill emf Columbus
al,