The record-union. [volume] (Sacramento, Calif.) 1891-1903, 1892-07-30

If visitors, who do nothing but visit,
while they are visiting, would remain
reasonable length of time and not ap-
point themselves private detectives and
public nuisances, finding fault with ev-
erything you possess, from the gold in
your teeth TO the bedbugs and fieas, when
you know they can't afford such luxu-
ries, one might, in all sincerity, ask them
to come again. But human nature is hui
man nature.
n. BIO the Editor: Please send me
few extra copies of the RECORD UNION
containing this article, SO that can paste
them up around the house. NV uncle's
brother-in-law is coming to see me, and
he is fond Of reading.l
l hardly know just what to saw in re-
ply to Mrs. Smiths request concerning
her boy, as l have only very scant intor-
nation concerning him upon which to
base my conclusions, and it has been
great many years since my fourth birth
day. Therefore l cannot speak with con-
hdence from memory, and must depend,
TO great extent, upon what l have
learned by observing the few million
small boys that have known. II Mrs.
Smith had sent me her boys photograph,
or lock Of his hair, or one Of his milk
teeth, or any other little fragment of him
which she could pick up handily, it
would have been a great help TO me. /
am. know, noted for my ability to de-
=,
ing associated with them in all stages of
growth, from that unlucky day when L
tied my worldly possessions, knife
| handle and three clean socks in a rag,
and went forth to do battle with the hy-
ra-hGaded monster that is said 10 scare
love out of the window as he enters the
door. but detecting a gaze or an idiot by
letter, is like exporting mans signature
by balloon biography. However, | shall
touch lightly upon few peculiarities of
small boys of i, or thereabouts, Just TO
show Mrs. Smith that / am not above
such childish subjects. and then touch
upon something else-it / have time. l
cannot give any universal set OF signs
made by four-year-old boys who are
growing up into smart men, to have ma
cut down their pantleS 50 that pa can
wear them to knock about in.
A four-year-old boy WHO is going to be
smart generally talks plain enough to be
understood by the cat, which beast, if it is
small, humble sort of cat he often dragS
around him by the tail, and by the fam
lily dog, that looks askance at strangers
and helps him eat his porridge. He is
fond OF jumpingjaclls and likes to Dor
row knife and cut his finger and howl
over 1t; also 10 make mud pies, and if he
has seen a negro minstrel show will cover
himself with mud, rubbing it we'll into
his ears. tour-year-Old boy that does
not love dirt and associate with it, has
something wrong with his machinery,
and should be taken to a blacksmith's
shop, or to q boiler-maker, and over
hauled. de will, very likely, discover
some day that his nose has holes in it.
and fill them up with pebbles, buttons
and small marbles, and his mother will
have heap OF fun pulling them out with
a hairpin. II he wears trousers and has
d pocket in them, it viii stick out on his
leg like large wart, and contain a good
many curious things that Solomon in all
his glory, never dreamed of.
These are only very few signs that a
/ tOur-year-Old boy makes when he is go
ing TO grow up into a smart man, and
at that age 1t IS not easy to determine
whether ii were best to let the boy con
tinue a-groan, Us Mrs. Smith puts it, or
smother him with straw tick and plant
him in the garden where he will do the
most good. A little later on, when the boy
has turned the teakettle over against him
self a few times, it is easier to prophesy
his future. AS he ripens he develops his
mind, II he has one, and instead OF being
Numbered down in the grass all day try
ing TO eat a slug, we find him a sort of
animated boomerang, digging worms for
bait, playing hockey, slipping into orch
ards, having the collie, sJubbing his toes,
getting the Cramp in the river and asking
ten billion questions of his sisters beaux
He is never for an instant still unless
| The miraculous escapes he has from death
are beyond conjecture. He is full Of an
imal spirits, and likes TO play pranks
with animals that have tails, to which
he fastens cans, hrecraekers and things.
If he is a Western boy the chances are
| l 900 to that he hates Chinaman with
deep, passionate hate that accepts any ex-
cuse to stir up the heather and make him
| bilious.
can't say, conscientiously, that little
Peter, who sits all day on the floor and
wiggles his toes and thinks, is going to be
a smart man, but l may be mistaken. At
present his brain may overbalance his
body. However, l think Mrs. Smith
may as well put her money into the
shotes for while, as Peter will not be
ready for college before the middle of
next summer anyhow.
l might keep on and fill volume with
this sort of stuff and not tell single lie.
but 1t would almost kill me to do it. AS
to my own actions as q boy | have little
to say. 1t is better to forget some things.
Ii could live over my boyhood days
! there are many things | would not re-
repeat. For instance [ played hockey for
a week once, living in the woods and eat
| ing acOrns, so that when winter came a
! great many woodpeckers and Digger In
dams died miserably of starvation. If [
could repeat my life 1 would try to avoid
the acorns. | was not really a bad bow
| for my father had always taught me to
speak the truth and shame the devil.
One day he said to mel can see him vet
as be took me into his arms and spoke,
oh, so tenderly:
MY son, L have told YOU of little
| Georgia Washington. Be always like
little Georgia. l, too, would sooner see
my son dead than q Harold man Wash
| ington and me resemble each other there
and whenever you do anything wrong,
or break, or destroy, or lose anything
that you hadn't ought to break. or de-
| stroy, or lose, come to your old father and
| tell him, and he won't scold you, or chase
! you around the ranch with club, like
some fathers do but he'll be proud of his
| son and forgive him, and-and-let us 90
| into the house!''
And, 10! that very day, while my father
was gone, did | go down the hill to the
| wOodShed and break the spindle of the
! grindstone, aud l was troubled at heart
and sore distressed, and wept. and the
! Devil came and spake, saying: "Tell him
| it was the cat,' but II thought of little
! George Washington, and when my faith
er came ran and met him, crying, and
! told what | had done, and how I had
fooled the Devil, and he patted my head
and said be was proud, oh, so proud of
me, his son, who would not tell q lie.
And we wept together Then he said we
| would go and look at the grindstone, and
we went. And then my father stuck his
lower lip GUITAR, and got black in the face
| and said:
SPY the powers of Moses but I am aw-
| fully ashamed of you. You injurious mi
crobe, II
And then he chased me around the
ranch with club. A. V. HOFFMAN.
Hardscrabble Ranch, July, 1892.
Playing at Suicide.
| A rustic crank in Zboro in Hunoarv