Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-11-20


Smith, who was trying to starve himself to
death in Western penitentiary. Then the
other young man contributed an account of
the adventure of poor sailor. who, after
floating nine days on q raft in mid-ocean,
became so wild with hunger that he ate up
the graphing iron which was thrown to
him from a passing vessel Cannibalism
| was tine next subject introduced, and very
lenieEt views were expressed regarding this
practice.
The Pot and the Kettle.
At this point Maude appeared and had
momentary hopes that we we're going to
dine; but she quickly let me know by a sign
I that the turkey was not done. 1 endeavored
to communicate to Maude, IN the same man.
ner the information that she Was decorated
with narrow black stripe running down
| one side of her nose, evidently resulting
from too intimate inspection of the quality
of the coal which had been foisted upon us
by dishonest dealer, under the false pre-
tense that turkeys could be roasted with it
l remembered with awful sinking of the
heart, that this was our first days trial of
the new kind of coal which had strongly
recommended and she had distrusted. She
did not understand my signals, but in few
minutes she approached me and said, in
hurried whisper: "Howdy, there is q great
black smooch on the side of your nose"
''Tbere's another on yours" said /, and
then we both made aimless assaults upon
our faces with our handkerchiets and tried
to assist each other by various csbalistic
signs
Another half hour passed and still there
was no sign of dinner. All the clocks on
the block struck once. Maude was in the
kitchen again. Presently 1 heard her
ohouf i,o littla roopo which can
arated from the parlor by sliding doors We
have a system of secret communication from
this room. Leaning in a graceful and easy
attitude against the frame of the folding
doors could hear what Maude was saying
in the other room, but it was not audible to
the others.
Very Agreeable Intelligence.
s'That turkey will never be dom" ;" she
said "1t's what you call hoodooed. And
there isn't another single thing to eat in
the house, and no time to cook it, even if
we had anything"
This was agreeable intelligence but was
forced to receive it without a change of
countenance, for I was facing our guests,
and indeed was obliged to talk all the time
in order to cover the sound of Maude's
voice on the other side of the wall.
There's only one thing to be done, F"
whispered Maude. 'I shall simply die if
we have to keep these people waiting any
longer. It's nearly O'clock"
So it was; and knew that if those clocks
got started again they would destroy the
last remnants of my self-controL
"You must 60 out and buy roast turkey,
Maude continued. "Get it from O restau-
rant and hurry right back with it for those
people are simply starving. I'll be in
there in a minute, and then you run out as
fast as you can and get the turkey"
A few minutes later, when 1 got out into
our hall. the cook was waiting for Inc with
large platter.
stBlast the platter" said ]. 'Do you
think I'm going to carry turkey through
the streets in that thing? I'll make them
put it into paper bag"
"If We do, it'll be shtone cold when We get
back again." said Norah, ''and wild the
oven as it is this day, it'll freeze before we
can warrum II.
But declined to take the platter If
necessary would buy one at the restaurant
BY that device 1 should have to carry it
only one way. 1 remembered with Joy hat
there was restaurant right around the
corner. True, it was the worst one in our
ward, and any turkey obtained there wou Id
doubtless be tougher than an ostrich, but 1
determined to risk it rather than increase
the distance which l must travel
Excited a Great Deal of Interest.
Unhappily they had no roast turkey to
sell. All their fowls had been consumed
by their patrons earlier in the day. tried
several other places with equal success
Time was rushing on. Every clock which
/ saw in a store window was at least 20
minutes fast, just because fate was deter
mined to scare the life out Of me. Finally 1
found whole bird for sale. 1 bought him
and a roasting pan to carry him in, and
few extra giblets fol-. luck, and anything
else which the cupidity of the proprietor
could suggest.
1t was dare not say how late, when I
returned. The turkey had excited a great
deal of interest on the way. l had had it
covered with cloth. but that had blown off
at the first corner Then the small boys
had followed me and all my acquaintances
had met me; and when sneaked up into
our fiat l felt as if had stolen the turkey
and killed the man who owned him. Also
the roasting pan was getting hotter instead
of cooler. 1t had burned through the
cloths by which 1 had been at first pro-
tected; and, altogether, / was in a great
and perspiring hurry. 1 burst into our
dining room with the TURKEY. I sup
posed that the room would be vacant; but
in fact all our guests were assembled. Our
own turkey was on the table He had eI-
perienced a change of heart while / was
away, and Msude, in desperation at my de-
lay, had framed some absurd excuse for my
absence, and had posted Nora in the hall to
tell me what the story was, and prepare me
to enter gracefully. OF course Nora had
gone into a trance in some other part of the
premises.
In the face of this calamitous exposure
Maude and made full and humble con-
iession. 1 told the whole truth for the
first time in my life, and. do you know that
1t has since become habit with me? Try
it tyourself next Thanksgiving Day, and you
will have a new and unusual cause for
Thanksgiving. HOWARD FIELDING.