Fort Worth gazette. [volume] (Fort Worth, Tex.) 1891-1898, 1892-03-03

TO be beautiful has come like a
wave over al the women in this country.
There are shops that cali themselves
temples of beauty, that announce wondrous
creams and liquids that will make ordinary,
everyday women modern Venuses, and
there are men, women and so-called doctors
who are going to re-create wonankind.
They little know the subjects upon which
they have TO work.
WOMEN ARE LIKE MONKEYS.
Woman is naturally like a monkey. She
does not take gracefully TO cleanliness;
with her it IS as much OF an educated taste
as olives or truflles. She'd rather worry
over some nasty smelling mess TO make her
skin look white than go IN for taking bath
every morning, and she'd rather fiddle
with some vile grease to work wrinkles OFF
her face than cultivate a happy temper,
which IS really the only sure preventive of
the marks of time. Somebody says that
hardheartedness, which IS an absolute
giving up of all emotions, Will stop the
wrinkles but I doubt this; I know women
hard enough, as far as their hearts are con-
cerned, TO serve for milestones, and yet the
unaniaOle marks come just under their
eyes. \ woman will gush over beautiful
complexion. and yet she is entirely too lazy
10 cultivate it; she will take bath one
morning, then stop for three, and when she
is shamed into being absolutely and per-
fectly clean, it IS usually because she has
got married and the man has been the cause
of it. There are five or six truths in this
world and this is one OF them: Men are
thousand times more Clearly than women
HOW SOME woNENwAsH.
The average woman's idea of washing is
TO take q towel, dip the end of it in some
water rub some soap on it. then dab it
round her face and neck and trust that the
rest won't show. l tell you, and [ am
speaking eX cathedra, that when women
learn to tub, to scrub, to use big spouges,
h5-r ME II Of
hot water, followed by showers and sprays
Of cold, then they will all have beautiful
compleXions and, best of all, good tempers.
OF course, there are dirty men.
APRoPOs OF OSCAR wILDE's FAMILY.
I don't know why dirt always suggests
the Wilde family to me. Oscar was big and
cleanlooking. To be sure, he did say that
Dust is the bloom of time'' In that case
a deal of it must have doomed on his late
father, from the stories they tell in Dublin
about him. It said that one night, at a din
ner at the castle q man who was looking
very dragged-out had been telling that he
had just crossed the channel and that was
the reason fer his appearance. Another
man said TO him: ooh you must have had
q very bad time of it!' The traveller an
swered: Il never saw such dirty night
in my lifel'' A voice from the other end of
the table said: did some one mention Sir
William Wilde2' I trust the American ma
ton does not need . key to this joke.
HER VOICE WAS STRONG.
Lady Wide is very tall woman with
very deep voice, and Brough, the comedian
says the funniest experience he ever had
was at the theater when Oscar took him to
introduce him to his mother. In his sweet,
low, velvety voice, the apostle of art muir
INJURED, Mother, l want TO have the pleas
ure of introducing MIR. Brough to you" A
deep, sepulChral voice announced, II am
glad to meet Mr.. BrOugh," and frightened
him so that he almost fell over. However,
Lady Wilde was the only woman in Dublin
who had anything that compared to the
salons run by the literary women of New
York; those diabolical entertainments
where everybody does something.
THE EXPERIENCE OF A YOUNG CHAP
at one of these was very funny He had
come from his country place TO spend a
week or so in Dublin, and was invited to
Lady Wilde's, and, being very polite, he
Went He was announced with great dig
nity-well we will call him Mr.. Roscom-
mon. His hostess was dressed in tarletau,
founced to her waist, each founce being
different hue, SO that she looked like six
feet Of rainbow. She said to him, Mr..
Roscommon, do you sing2" With re-
gretful bow, he said, ''No madam" Mr..
RosCommOn, do you recite2" Another re-
gretful bow and the same answer. Then
in an irritated tene his hostess said.
Mr.. RoScommon, what can you dol' An
IriShmans wit wouldn't forsake him at the
coffin of his grandmother, and this one
proved no exception to the rule, for, in an
swer to the last question, he bowed very
low and said, Il can only admire a beauti-
full woman and express that admiration by
kissing her hand" He said afterwards il
was pretty hard dose, but the family rep
utation had 10 be kept up.
HOW TO REFORM A DRUNKARD.
BY the by, somebody sad not long ago
that women were intellectually timid. I
don't think they are. The way they
''wrassle'' with the most abstruse subjects
shows an intellectual courage greater than
that beautiful physical one credited to ].
Lawrence Sullivan of Boston. The ques-
ton they are tackling now is how TO reform
Gruukards. And they are perfectly willing
to prescribe anything from the faith cure
10 the lab l have little theory of my own
on the subject, and 1 am going to give 1t to
any woman who has, as an attachment.
husband inclined to get drunk. 1t is worth
writing down in your prayer book, or your
diary, whichever you look into the oftenest:
AHEAD OF THE KELLY CURE.
BE as amiable as possible; put ice on
his head and don't mind little thing like
piece of il running down his back, because
that will help cool him Off Bandage his head
up put lavender water, bay rum, camphor
and everything you can think of on him,
and when he objects, go quietly away. II
you have the moral courage to bump your
head against the door Gs you so out, and get
a big Ounb or a black eye, the game is
yours. Come in the next morning with
glass Of iced milk, call him your poor
darling and make him feel that he is the
worst brute with the largest D before him,
and that you are the dearest woman in the
world. If ne refers TO your bruises, say you
would rather not talk about it and cry
little. Tell him some one is coming to
paint it, so there shan't be any gossip about
Il. And gradually 1t will dawn on his half
sick mind that he hit you, and then-weIl,
you are not descended from Mother Eve
unless you own that man, body, soul and
bank book"
About the "jao2" Well, haven't any
thing to say about it, because l don't know
anything about it and / am intellectually
timid about touching it. However, when 1
have seen cure, l will believe IN 1t, and
until then III let it alone.
WOMAN TO MANS FAvoRITE PLACE.
We used to think we were very fortu-
nate, we women, if we had i man in love
with US. That's all changed nowadays.
You've got to have an adorer in the shape |
Of a woman. She must wear your picture !
In her watch, she must take you to places |
Of amusement, send you flowers, permit |
herself to look hideous in the color that |
suits you; in short, it must be the old story |
of Romeo and Juliet, only both the lovers |
must wear bangs. I number among my ac-
ouaintances an old woman who has very |
strong opinions, and so l concluded I would |
/ - = l.