The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1892-04-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

Money talks, and this is probably
why we hear so much about LOUD
checks. ElnairG Gazette.
When you need friend don't pick
out the man whose dog never wants TO
follow him.-RGna'S Horn.
There would be no mysteries in this
world if everything were looked into
as often as mirror is.-Pucb.
The professional thief is sometimes
called bird of prey, and yet he's only
a-robbin'.- Btnghonato'a Leader.
Don't you think that farce COM
edies are being overworkedP" "Not
exactly; they are being worked over"
= Washington Star.
Every man who hates his enemies
believes that there ought to be hell
no matter whether he believes in the
Bible or not.-Rana's Horn.
They have a brand of whisky in
Kentucky known as the Horn OF
Plenty" because it will corn you
copiously.- T'eras SJtiags.
Clara-"Do you see how the shape
T of this gown could be improvedP"
Maude-%You might get some other
girl to wear it."-CloGE ReUteo0.
Your friend will always be pleased
to learn that you are getting on nicely
just so long as you are not getting
ahead of him -Galvestora Nesos.
High School Teacher-"Why do
comedies always end with mar
riage?" Pupil-"Because that is where
the tragedy begins. lie Figaro.
Friend-"W is your idea in call
ing your 1ew book "A SecretP'"
Author-"I expect the women to buy
it and give it away. IN Y Herald.
Jonson-"W -"Why have you stopped
shaving, JimsonP" Jimson-"Because
it is easier to raise a beard than it is
to raise 10 cents. Brooklyn Times.
One of the most persistent forces in
nature is the needle, which always
carries its point and always has an
eye out for business. Courier.
"Won't you smile, please?" said the
photographer to the sitter. Ger
tainly," was the ready reply. "Do you
carry flask or shall we have to go
down t?"-Epoch.
Stranger-"Where'sA Arlington streetP"
Policeman-"Faith, dunno" Stranger
(surprised) )-"You don't knowP" Po-
Eceman-"That's pfwhat said. Move
Harvard LGmapoon.
Quackenbach -" Congratulate me,
old fellow. / have obtained control of
a patent medicine" Friend-"What
is it good forP" Quackenbach-"An
prevailing epidemic. "-Potck.
Mrs Oldbride-"How do you like
my furniture? You notice it is all of
antique pattern" Her Dear Friend
81 see. Nothing could be more ap-
propriate. ."-Bostom Transcript.
"My boy" said the aged poet to the
son of lately deceased publisher, 81
owe your father debt l can never re-
pay. He threw my first book into the
waste basket. ."-Harper's Bazaar.
Shocked Lady-"Do you know what
becomes of little boys who swear?"
Little Boy-"Yes'm. Wen they gifts
big 'nough they kin earn two an a
half day drivin' team. Good
Nea0s.
Decentralization would you like
your costume made, MADAME" Mrs.
Clownrich-"S'pose you make it with
one of those vestibuie trains that I've
heern talked of lately. ."-B0StOn But-
letin.
Featherstone-"Ih have just made the
mistake of my life" Ringway
SOP" Featherstone-"I was foolish
enough to call on my doctor in silk
hat, and he charged me double rates. u
Judge.
Clara Have you heard the start
ling news about Kitty Van Twillerp"
Maude-"Why, no. Do tell me quick.
Clara-"It is reported that she is 60
ing to marry the man to whom she is
engaged. ."-Epoch.
81 never withhold anything from my
wife. tell her every night all that
have done during the day." "And dc
you tell her every day what you have
~ done during the nightP" "Well, that's
different. IN Y. sam.
81 consider the pen mightier thar
the sword" said McFeeder as he trans
ferred the last two pieces of pie to his
plate. "L don't doubt it." said his
meek little wife. "Your habits at thu
table make it seem very probable. y
Puck.
Gertrude-"You never do anything
now, Margaret, but go to all sorts Of
churches, and read those old books OF
theology. You never used to be like
that" Margaret-"How can help it,
GertyP Pm writing a popular novel
-Pu1ach.
Papa" said little 4-year-old Tommy
Il wish you would tell me what ith &
proverb?" His pa-@Well my child
here is one that applies to you JUS
now: Speech is silver; silence is
golden. ;" "There you CO." exclaimed
Tommy, IN disgust, "bringing up thai
everlathin quethtion of bimetalithm.
Boston Post.
Bulfnch-"How much is this ther
mometer?" Clerk = "Seventy-fve
cents" Bulfnch-"Why, l got one
just like it here couple of days age
for forty cents" Clerk-"What time
in the day did you buy it?" Bulfnct
About 8 O'Clock in the morning.
Clerk-"Ah, well, it's 12 o'clock now
thermometers are always higher al
noon. ."-BoStOn Courier.
First Director-"I am sorry to in.
form you, gentlemen, that our presi
dent has been engaged for severa
years in enriching himself at the ex
pense of the company. In what way
shall we express our indignation fol
his crime?" Chorus of Directors
"Only stern measures will suffice. We
will dismiss him peremptorily, with 6
pension OF S0O,OOO year.
Transcript.
"How's this? You said you intended
to propose to Miss Clamwhooper this
evening, and here you are back before
9 o'clock. She surely didn't refuse
youP" "No-o-I didn't propose.
concluded to postpone the question.
"Now, see here, John, if you don't gel
that girl it's your own fault. The ides
of being such coward-you who have
bravely walked up to the cannon's
mouth" 'Y-e-s, but the cannon
hadn't been eating onions. ."-IerG!
Sittiaegs.
A poor woman applied to the lady
in charge of a charitable institution
"Have you husband?" inquired the
lady. "Yes'm," answered the woman
"but he's poorly and can't make a liv.