Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1892-02-18
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
UnaccOuntable Delay-She Felt Re-
lieyed-A Sliding Scale-Then and
NoW-NO Flies, Etc., Etc.


NOW-NO Flies, Etc., Etc.
UNACCoUNTARLE DELAY.
In the days when the stage was still
the prevailing mode of travel in the
West, traveller one day grew incensed
at the slow progress made by the vehicle
in which he was passenger. Remon-
strating with the stage-driver, he said:
Whats the matter with the team this
trip? We're going as slow as New
England prayer-meeting. | was over
this route ten years ago, and we went fast
enough then"
1--WE do seem to be gittin leetle less
hump on oursel's than we did then, fur a
fac, pard, said the driver; "but the
why of it beats me. These here's the
identical broncos we had then. = Har-
per's Magazine.
SHE FELT RELIEVED.
He-Will you marry me? Your an
swer, quick!
She las he makes motion to take
something out of his vest pocket oh,
don't, don't, Fred! | will marry you,
but don't, don't.
He-Dont what? | was simply reach
ing for the engagement ring.
She (relieved) oh, | thought was
afraid it was dynamite bomb. = Boston
News.
SLIDING SCALE.
Tommy" said the employer, one
chilly morning, 81 wish you to regulate
the heat so that the mercury in the ther-
mometer shall stay around seventy de-
grees."
81 suppose" said Tommy, "that
seventy degrees will do for this kind of
weather, but when it gets colder we'll
need the mercury higher. ~ [Philadel-
phia Times.
THEN AND NOW.
When mother held the little chap
And sang to him a tune
AT night, while he sat on her lap,
lie cried to get the moon.
Now more than half a century lies
Between him and his birth;
No more to get the moon he cries,
To-day he wants the earth.
Il New York Press.
THE ROAD TO RICHES.
Ponsonby-That man yonder came to
America two years ago. He was u poor
matchmaker; he went West and opened
n little store. He is now worth three
millions.
Popinjay-Thought there was no money
in the business.
Ponsonby--Thcre isn't. He married
an heiress. = Jewellers Circular.
NO FLIES.
A mermaid in the darkness deep,
Wa ged her slippery tail with glee,
And rbled thus, in liquid tones,
"There are no flies on me-"
II New York Herald.
AN HONEST EFFORT.
"John," said the minister's wife, chow
many more times are you going to recite
that sermon of yours "
Don't bother me, my dear, if yor
please he returned. 81 am practising
what | preach. ."-lNew York Sun.
FIsHED FOR A COMPLIMENT.
Alice Cooking at her portrait Don
you think that Van Brush has manage,
to make rather pretty picture of me
Edith-1es; he really has-what
remarkably clever artis he is.
BACK HAND COMPLIMENT.
eyes" said Miss May True, in a con
versation with Chappic, al can remem
ber things that happened when l was
wee, wee girl"
Then Chappie, wishing to pay her
compliment, said:
"1ou must have an excellent memory
for that must have been many, man,
years ago"
THROUGH THE REGULAR CHANNELS.
Manager-The latest general order
says we should economize in every pos
slble way. Hereafter you must pick up
all the waste paper and send it to me.
Chief Clerk-lf must do this extra
work | want Il raise of salary.
Manager right; put your appli-
cation in with the waste paper. [Tele-
graph Age.
ARMED FOR THE FRAY.
A tramp applied to n lady for work
and was given some carpets to beat. He
did the job so well that she commended
him for it,
"1ou must have beaten carpets fire.
quently to be such an expert" She said.
"Never beat carpet before in my
life, lady; I've allus teached school, >
he answered promptly. Detroit Free
Press.
CONSISTENT IN HER TASTES.
Fangle-It seems to me very strange
that Mrs. McJunkin should lavish so
much affection ON that homely pug
dog.
Cumso-Not ut ALL You ought to see
her husband Epoch.
FATHER TO THE MAN.
Georgia Gazzam (aged five)-Let me
tell you the latest smart thing my father
said
Benny Bloombumper (aged four and
n half)-Thanks, no; I'm tired. ! have
n smart father myself. - Brooklyn Life.
RAPID GROWTH.
"This town seems TO be making great
progress" said visitor to resident of
Boomville, Oklahoma.