The morning call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1878-1895, 1892-03-04
big BALDY' EXPLAINS.
The Park Elephant Refutes a
Base Circus SANDER.
He Likes Tobacco But Eschews Peanuts as q
Matter Of Policy-Habits Of the
Laughing Jackass.

estal and sided up to the chain Enclosure,
but does any OF youse gents happen to
have such thing as a mouthful OF eating
tooacco In your clothes? I've got couple
OF plugs in my trunk. but / can't get at
them just now"
small, found-shouldered man with
warty face reached cautiously for his hip
pocket.
Thanks" whispered Badly, ''but don't
let Queen Jumbo see it. She doesn't know
chew. and l don't want to get her excited
In the presence Of all these people. See?"
The little man saw. and slyIy cut off q
goodly quid of plug chewing, which he
handed to Badly.
That intelligent but depraved creature
tossed the morsel into his cavernous fea-
lures and winked one eye at the little man.
while his gutia-percha cheeks wrinkled
with knowing smile.
perhaps you people don't know" OBJ
served Badly. as he spat On the ground and
| meditatively rubbed it in with his foot
the anti-t0baeco movement Is all fake.
wen, 1t is. It's base circus SANDER,
gotten up by the
sHowMEN AIDED BY THE PRESS.
1ou have all read stories about the
fearful fate of the man who gave an
! elephant chew at the circus, have you
not?"
The people all said they had, while the
little boys and girls drew closer to their
parents and shuddered visibly.
According 10 the historian" resumed
Badly, the man gave out the tobacco cor
| ceaied In something and at once made his
escape: Twenty-seven years later the circus
came pack 10 town. The man had for
gotten all about the elephant and the
alleged mean trick he played en- the poor
but intelligent beast. But the elephant
remembered the man, even ii he had lost an
eye and grown face full of red whiskers
in the meantime.
Watching his chance, this Tevengeful
brute teaches out, grabs the unsuspecting
man, breaks the spine of his back in eighteen
places and then praHces up and down in
impotent rage on his untldy corpse. A
panic breaks out and the people insist upon
Killing the poor elephant until the oldest
lnhabltant recalls the tobacco incident.
Then they desist and marvel greatly.
The truth OF the matter is, and have no
personal interest with side glance at
the little man" in telling IL, and that is We
elephants Ike the weed in any form except
cigarettes. 1t is good for our general sys-
tens and collie. See? Horses eat tobacco
ana thrive on H. Why not the larger beast?"
No one answered this question, and while
Baldy was collecting his thoughts in the
various crooks and corners OF the large area
in which they are concealed. the little man
OIL MN OH
ANOTHER CHEW.
Those blood-curdling tales about u.s."
continued Badly. "are wrenched bodily
from the heated imaginations of space-gar-
rotlng reporters, whose pants grow baggy at
the knees from sitting with their heels
booked on the lower round of an Office chair
writing yarns. See? They are given the
tips by the circus men who wish TO inspire
In the juvenile mind a proper feeling of adj
miration coupled with awe. and induce them
to fill up with peanuts, banana pelts and
candy, all OF which is purchased beneath the
large canvas. See?
"Of course | am not aiming to hurt the
circus business. Not at all. What want
to do Is 10 refute the SANDERS that have so
long existed concerning me and mine in ref
| erence TO the tobacco habit. That's ALL"
The greater part of the crowd had dis
persed when little girl timidly offered
Badly a peanut
Thank you kindly, sissy but never eat
/ peanuts, as do not think the position l
occupy in the show business will justify
See?"
The little girl drew back much abashed.
while Badly went on to define his position
on the peanut question::
"Other animals less favored in the mat
| ter Of bulk" he said, with q blush" might
say that pm stuck on myself; but I'm not.
I'll leave II to any fair-minded person If it
| does not detract from the dignity and i'm
poTtance OF my gigantic personality to be
seen jerking one miserable, shriveled-up
| peanut into my pOnderous inwards ?"
None said him nay, and as the sagacious
creature turned away he triumphantly
| chuskled:
Il know my business. See?"
Badly and his analytical mind are not the
only attractions TO be seen in Golden Gate
Park these gladsoms springtime days In
room back OF the conservatory are quar-
tered for the present a pair OF birds that
came up from Australia with the last cargo
OF imported pauper pngilists. some of whom
are passing ont handblls on Market street
in order to keep themselves in good BREATH
| ing condition until such time as a match to
| a finish can be arranged for the gentlemen.
For some inscrutabe reason the discoy-
erer OF this peculiar Antipodean biped has
| named him the Laughing jackasS," though
| he in no way resembles that animal in form
| or gesture. Perhaps the voice gave rise 10
| the name, because at early dawn he gives
| vent 10 his feelings on some mysterious SUBJ
| lect in manner, or with noise, similar to
| that employed by the jackass 1t may be
| that the man who applied the name is IA
mliiar with that species Of human biped
| whose only claim for attention Is the noise
! he makes.
| Aside from any question regarding its
name. the laughing jaekass' furnishes an
| entertaining and instructive study for those
| WHO never saw laughing jackass and
know but little OF their habits Only a few
| barren facts can be CLEANED by looking at
! the bird, and in the absence of its trainer
| they will have to suffice. There are two
| Of the jackasses. but as they are built alike
| a description of
! ONE WILL DO FOR THE OTHER
| In size the jackass bird is slightly smaller
| than crow aud is of dirty white and black
| in color.
The contour of its forward works, and
| particularly In the region of the head and
| face, denotes faculty almost amounting to
| genius for refreshing the inner laughing
| jaekass rather than expressing the power of
| abstract reasoning or continuity of thought.
! In fact this jackass does not think at all,
| and from the disdainful expression in its
| beady black eyes Its vacuous mutterngs
| may be construed into boastful comparisons
| regarding the superiority OF everything In
| Australia over anything here, although its
| acquaintance with the United States is
| limited TO small back room in the con-
| servatory. This Is one popularity of jack
| ass bird, II is said.
While In repose the jackasS bird MAIN
| tains an upright position on its perch with
| Its bill pointing ever onward and upward at
| an angle OF As degrees. This bill is entirely
| out oil proportion to the work done in build
| ing the Jaekass, judging from its size and
length 1t Is hard to determine just where
| the bill leaves off and the face begins, but
somewhere in that vicinity the bill is as
| large as mans thumb. It is about three
inches In length, and il is doubtless the size
and weight of this feature that impels the
| jackass to keep the point of il above the
center OF gravity while doing on his perch
In ITS native haunts the jackass lives on