Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1892-06-10

Why" said he, there is Professor Con-
RAIDS educated sacred baboon. Professor
GARNER has overlooked him. I'm sure"
Professor Conrad declared that his sacred
baboon was The most highly educated
monkey in Christendom, and that they
frequently held long conversations with
each other.
He'll know all about it," said Professor
Conrad. Come along and I'll introduce
YOU
The sacred baboon bowed gravely and
remarked something in a low tone to the
professor.
He says its fine evening" said the
professor, who acted as interpreter through
out the interview.
But, professor, your sacred monkey has
tall-a long one. He can hardly be up to
this subject. H is not an anthropoid ape"
HOW MAN CAME To BE.
'Oh, | see" said Professor Conrad.
That's one or me. Suppose we leave it
to Moses And the professor jabbered
something in the ear of the sacred ape
that appeared to make the latter very
angry.
He wants to KNOW" explained the pro-
fessOr, whether you write shorthand"
Certainly; but Why"
Moses says his reputation and position
are such that he can't afford to be mis-
quoted
From the cheerful nature of the iabber-
ing which ensued it appeared that the pro-
fessor and the sacred ape were congratu-
lating each other on having one on the
representative of the great public. Pres
emily, however, the latter assumed a severe
expression OF countenance, and through
his interpreter made the following state
ment:
That anthropoid ape theory is all hum
bug. | demonst rated that long ago with
my bareback somersault act. Shew me
the anthropoid ape that can do that trick,
Will YOU That shows what idiOtic rub
Dish your scientists are always talking and
writing. You listen carefully for two min
utes and you'll know more than all the
scientists put toy .ther"
How i it. then" Moses was asked.
that 30 many fine specimens of the ape
family have no more sign of a tail than a
man has"
1t i because" Moses went on without
the slightest hesitation. 'of the inordinate
vanity of a family of half witted monkeys.
| who bit of each others tails in infancy for
a couple Of centuries, until nature gave up
| the struggle and turned them out tailless"
| why did they 10 this:"
Because they tIoughtit completed their
| resemblance TO some other weakminded
| branch OF our family. calling themselves
| men that broke off from the main stem
| about that time. From that day to this
| we haven't bothered ourselves much about
| the fate of either II them. As for the au-
! thor-anthropoid ape as you call him-he
| ism recognized in our best society at all"
| GREAT MEMORY.
! Moses was asked to state at about what
I ! &c
! worthy branches Of the ape family-tail-
| less monkey and man-brolle away from
| parental control. Moses ratified off some
thing with an air Of great wisdom, and the
nature Of his discourse seemed TO puzzIs
| Professor Conrad lot little.
He says said The professor, that this
! thing happened about 100000 years before
| the great flood of frozen water, but I'm
| blest if | know what that means"
Here, indeed, was a valuable piece of in
| formation. Up to the present time scien-
fists have been utterly unable to deter
| mine, with any sort of accuracy, what geo
| logical epoch witnessed the origin of man.
Why professor, this is most important,
| if true By the food of frozen water
Moses Unquestiona)ly means the glacial
| overflow. Three hundred thousand years
| farther back would bring us into the be-
|
| cestors then were contemporaneous with
the extinct phenacoius. They tracked the
| terrible COryphodon to his lair, and made
| him pay tribute of oil for the rude lamps
| of their cave dwellings. They-but never
| mind. 1t Is very interesting. Be good
enough to ask Moses his opinion as to
whether Professor GARNER will be able to
reduce this language of monkeys to a
written basis
He probably will " answered the sacred
baboon, with gesture of indifference,
"and when he succeeds your own language
and your libraries viii be doomed
How sos"
How so: Why, the very moment YOU
| become familiar with our language YOU
| begin to understand our intellectual supe-
! riority. We have NJ need of written Ian
| guage, for the reason that our memories.
which are natural and unpampered with
| artificial aids, are iufillible."
| AN AWFUL WARNING.
But, dear, respected Mr.. Moses, the evil
dences of our civilization? Our steam en-
| gines our electrical contrivances-all the
wonderful inventions of man-what have
you to say about thens"
'Poppycock, said the sacred ape.
'Twiddle twaddle, and he spat contempt
uously through the bars of his cage.
But our cities, our institutions, our
wealth, our power-what of these?"
They are all in your eye" said the
sacred ape composedly; ''phantasms-im-
| ages of the brain. You are already on the
! brink of destruction Your accumulations
| of wealth will compass your overthrow,
and then you will be glad to come back to
| your parent stem-hack to us, who possess
| all wisdom all happin ess, all philosophy"
| Prove what you say, Mr.. Moses Prove
it, if you can"
VERY well, said the sacred ape, signify
| ing by yawn that the interview was over:
very we'll; cast your eyes about you as yoa
| leave by the stage entrance"
1t was only too true. Professor GARNER
| is respectfully requested to bear in mind
that six uniformed chappies stood in line,
with their backs to the curbstone, living.
all but speaking, proofs that the sacred
10 IL