The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1892-12-16
SHORT HUMOR.

"You astonish me ! How did he ac-
quire the habit ?" ut was very sudden.
A cake of ice fell on him."
"Did you hurt yourself, my love ?"
asked Mrs Larkin, tenderly, rs the
hammer came down on her husbands 8
| thumb nail. "No ~ howled Larkin.
"It was the man in the moon I hurt. F"
Irate father-Ill teach you to lie and
steal, you rascal, you. Hayward Son
| (from the midst of the scrimmage)-
| Oh, don't trouble-ouch yourself,
father. I know how already
Clerk-The hotel is so crowded, sir,
in the room with the proprietor Guest
That will be satisfactory. Will you
kindly put my valuables in the safe
Bloobumper-What pretty child
Mrs. Jaysmith's baby is Mrs. Bloo-
bumper-Yes and it didn't get its
beauty from its papa, either. 81 don't
know about that. Jaysmith hasn't any
left. "
Energetic Man-Tom, you're the
LATEST man l ever met You are al
ways leaning on a gate. II don't think
I'm lazy. l left my brother at home
he said he was too tired to lean on a
gate.
Vinley-Doctor, believe / need
pair of eyeglasses. j see everything
double. Last night / looked at my
wife's dog and he seemed to have two
tails. Doctor Lens-Yes ? Have you
tried the gold cure ?
Miss Fitzgore-Well, good-by, Per-
cival, and be good boy. Percival
(who has been warned not to make per-
sonal remarks about people in their
presence)--Ill not tell nurse what 1
think of your nose till you're gone ~
"These jokes about grocers putting
sand in sugar make me weary" OBJ
served Mr.. Peck, as he weighed out
ten pounds. "The truth hurts, does
it p There's no truth in it, Sands
too expensive to waste in that kind of
style"
Servant-I'm sorry, sir, but my mas.
ter is out of town. Caller (who sees
the masters head peeping out of a win
dow above oh, indeed, he must have
lost his head, then Tell him the next
time he goes away to take his head with
him.
"Why. Edwin" exclaimed the tear.
full bride, "you certainly told me be.
fore we were married that you would
gladly give me all the pin money I
wanted" "Yes," said Edwin, gloomily,
81 know I did, but l didn't suppose
you meant diamond pins.
Brown-You are pretty severe on the
President in some of your criticisms,
but aren't you yourself guilty of the
very things of which you find fault in
him Fogg-Oh, but you should bear
in mind that don't judge myself upon
the standard of a president.
Il wish l hadn't such soft heart.
Yesterday fellah came in and begged
for some money till thought my heart
would break. At last" "Gave
him a dollar, 1 suppose ?" II
couldn't stand it; it was too much
for me, so l sent for a policeman and
had him pulled in"
Il suppose you learned great deal
while you We're out West" remarked
Boston man to Boston youth who had
just arrived home after trip of six
weeks. No, sir, l only learned one
new thing" Indeed ? Why not ?"
because, after learned how mine
was salted hadn't any money left for
further tuition"
"Mercy Don't leave that bottle of
laudanum where the children can get it,
Mr.. Patmore." "It's all right, Mary.
Don't you see the word poison
printed on it in big letters ?" "Yes,
but the children can't read" "True
for you I'd forgotten that. There, I've
written on it This says poison Now
they'll know what the label says"
Impecunious Stranger-I understand
that you purchase rare coins ? Col
lector-Yes, and am willing to pay
good prices where the coin is a rare
specimen. "How much, then, for
this ? producing q nickeD. 1t is ex-
ceedinglt rare with me, the only one
I've had for n fortnight. Come, what
do you say ?" "Ill say, if you don't
get out in two seconds I'll unloose the
dog"
"Of course, Mr.. Textual," said tho
chrome grumDler, everybody admits
that your sermons are interesting, but
don't you think you should interjcct
few broad ideas into your discourses ?"
eyes, it might be a proper thing to
do" returned the parson, "but then,
you know, sermons must be adapted
to the capacity of the hearer. 1t is not
so easy to put broad ideas into narrow
minds"
Little Arthur was visiting his grand
mother, who owned large rooster that
was possessed of fighting qualities.
Arthur went out to feed the chickens,
when the rooster few at him, peoiling
him severely. Arthur beat him of us
well as he could, and finally got away
and ran to the house, Sometime later
he was playing on the porch, when all
at once the rooster flew upon an al-
joining fence and crowed Justify. Ar
thur looked up and exclaimed, "You
lie, You lie, you didn't lick me. !