Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1892-06-12
A MAN UNDER THE BED.

a NAN UNDEk THE bED.
Terrible Commotion Caused by indulgence
in Fishing Bait-Jaek the Leerer-Get-
| ting on the stage-Men Who Can't see
Jokes-A Poem.
IRON STAFF CORRESPONDENT
1T will perhaps not startle mankind
| generally to learn that there is a lady re-
| siding somewhere on the West Side in this
! corpulent city who looks under her bed
! every night before she blows out the gas to
see whether some bold, bad man has not
come in unawares and is lying IN wait to see
where she puts her false teeth. She has been
doing this for no living man dareS say how
| many summers. Not because she has any
| objections to a man, for she is unmarried
| and has not altogether surrendered hope,
but she very properly objects to q man
under her bed. As there are probably very
I few women in New York VINO look under the
bed before retiring, this one is sufficiently
designated when say she resides in q fash
| ionable quarter under the protecting wing
of a male parent and two bachelor brothers.
Her maid sustains the relation OF picket
guard in a small communicating room.
One of the bachelor brothers is of a con-
vivial turn of mind and is liable not to come
home nights. The first black bass day Of
the season the copvivial brother went
a-fshing. The motion of the water during
the day had the effect of curiously turning
his head; so that when he came home early
in the night he began to divest himself OF
his fishing garments as soon as he got into
the hall, hanging his piscatorial coat on the
outfit right and left as he went up to bed.
This saved valua bio time and will serve as
pointer to those who are prone to fall into
bed with their boots on.
If GO l,or nd hot ms
doing the society act around the corner and
came in later, accompanied by her maid.
The former at once discovered the strange
looking coat flung round the newell post
and almost tainted. But the maid is Of a
more masculine build and temperament
and came out strong in this emergency:
"It's somebody in the house, ma'am," :" she
hoarsely whispered. Don't say word an
we'll get him!'
But, Laura! Laura! Just think! don't
want him!' whimpered the mistress. I'm
deed, can't go up there!''
"Then you stay in the drawing ROOM
ma'am, and I'll go up and wake Mr. Charles"
mo, no-he might be in the basement this,
minute packing the silver. I'll go with you,
Laura. I'm such a coward and you're SO
strong and brave!'
They stole quietly upstairs. At the head
of the frs, fight they came across another
old garment.
'It's his vest" said the maitland here's
his cap" she added, picking up the ill-smell-
ing headpiece between her thumb and lore
"Oh, dear! He must have expected to stay
all night!'
They hesitated just minute and listened.
The customary snore from the next moor
said Laura. "Mr. James is in, anyhow, and
that's more than We have any rights to
expect. Both women braced up Il don't
clothes around like this" finally remarked
the shrewd serving girl. "lll lind out be-
fore I make fool of myself" she added.
"You go In your room, ma'am, an lock the
doors if you want to, I'm going down into
the basement"
With considerable reluctance and some
protestation the mistress, having first e1-
ber by the full glare of the gas, consented
and the maid went boldly down into the
basement. She found the silver and every
thing else all right and had started upstairs
through the house. She few upstairs two or
three steps at a time and rounded the
second story landing just as gentleman in
looking pistol rushed from the back bed
room. They telescoped on the curve and
went down with noise like putting in the
winter coal.
"oh, dear! Why Mr. Charles!" groaned the
maid. Don't shoot!'
"You confounded foolr' yelled the old
bachelor, rubbing his bruised bald head
"Wow! Vow! MurderI Helpr' came from
the front room, and forgetting their own
bruises both master and servant scrambled
to their feet and rushed to the rescue.
Here he is! Un-der-my-bedi" gasped the
half iainting mistress doubled up in heap
on the floor.
Quick as fash the bold maid sprang for
the bed and the now thoroughly aroused
batchelor brother catching sight of q dirty
pair of boots thrust the pistol under, shout
ing, Come out OF there or I'll shootr' And
terrific jerk-and fell back in the floor with
nothing but boot.
"Wha-wha- W ha azzerow 'boutP"
It was the other bachelor brother, his
on the door knob.
"Whaz-allerow3 Nobody ca-catch fish z
dom wi.wi-my boot! Eha 'idgss yer feet
wnt? Lesh noiSe-catch more fsh-zeef |
Pass bait, pleashe!"
Talking TO Ones Self.
One of the interesting sort of human
creatures one meets around town is the man |
who talks to himself. Wandering alone in |
Lord Byron's solitude-not in the trackless |
all unseen: !
"But midst the crowd, the hum, the shock |
of men" he finds inspiration for absorbing |
thought. 1t is possible he may merely think !
he is thinking, but no matter. His lips move |
with mechanical precision and smoothness. !
He seems to be repeating something, as q |
schoolboy learns by rote, and this is some.
times borne out by occasional gestures. 1t
may be only an effort to remember the last
parting injunction at home to "now, be sure
don't forget to order coffee, aud two yards
OF the same stun, ana stop and ask why ybaby's
things weren't sent around and" but it is
often clearly argument of some kind in
which the logical order is highly desirable.
A prominent legal gentlemen downtown
goes out into the Broadway throng when he
wants to unravel a tough knot. He finds
the crowd nspiring-conducive to thought
q stimulant to mental activity. The man
who talks to himself doesn't know it His |
mind is at work and his lips move as if he
were debating to his stenographer, or max
ing his appeal to the jury, or saying pleasant
things after dinner. AS the subject is agree
able or otherwise his face lights up or takes
on serious shadows. You see him smiling and
you can't help smiling, not wholly out of