Evening capital., 1892-02-25
ELI PERKINS'S NEW BOOK
1T IS A LIVELY ONE AND IS NAMED
THIRTY YEARS OF Wit"

A Few Quotations From 1.-THE POp-
uIar HumorIst says That He HAS Been
Telling Good and Bad stories FOR SC
Years and More.
The ever young Eli Perkins infcrms
the public that he has been for 80 years
telling and hearing good stories, and in
his new volume, "Thirty Years of WitE
he gives the best Of those that he has
heard and Of those that he has told
when asked Bill Arp one day il he
really killed many Yankees" says Mr..
Perkins, he said:
"'Well, don't want to boast about N.Y.
self, but killed as many Of them as they
did of me-"
"Mr. David Welcher tells me, says
Eli Perkins, "that Mark Twain. - hen ia
a good humor, told biW he story Of his
courtship, and how he won his beautiful
and wealthy wife She was Miss Lang
don, of Elmira. When Marx first met
her he was not so distinguished as now;
his origin was humble, and for some
years of his life he had been a pilot on
the Mississippi River. The future Mrs
Clemens was a woman Of position and
fortune; her father a judge, and doubt
less expected family and social impor
tance in his son in law. Clemens, how.
ever, became interested in his daughter,
and after while proposed but was re-
jected.
"'Well, he said to the lady, i didn't
much believe you'd have me, but l
thought I'd try
AFTER a while he tried again, with
the same result. and then remarked, with
his celebrated drawl, i think a great
deal more of you than II you'd said
"Yes, but it's hard to bear A third
time he met with better fortune, and
then came to the most difficult part OF
his task-to address the old gentleman.
Judge, he said to the dignified mil
lionaire, have you seen anything going
on between Miss Lizzie and meT
"'Whatl what? exclaimed the judge
rather sharply, apparently not under
standing the situation, yet doubtless get
ging a glimpse Of it from the inquiry.
"'Have you seen anything going on be
tween Miss Lizzie and mer
"'No, indeed replied the magnate
sternly. No, sir, have not.
"'Well, look sharp and you will said
the author of Innocents Abroad, and
that's the way he asked the judicial lum.
mary for his daughters hand.
Eli Perkins asked the Rev. Sam"
Jones:
"'Do they ever answer back to you
from the audience when you talk so saw
agelyY
"'Yes, often. Every now aud thea
burnt sinner will squeal. Sometimes
they get good joke on me too, One day.
in st. Louis, continued the preache',
laughing, AN awful funny thing hap.
pened. had been attacking the gam.
blers and drunkards for an hour, and
said drunkard was lower than dog.
"'Just then a shabby, bIear eyed man
arose tremblingly and started TO h,avs
the church.
"'"Stop! young man, said. @Stopl'
"'The young man stood still, with
thousand eyes on him.
""If you'd rather 90 to hell than hear
me preach just go oni"
""Well, replied the man, after
pause, II believe I'd rather And out
he went"
i was talking one day, says Eli Per
kins, with Mr.. Depew about demand
and supply. / said the price of any com
modify is always controlled by the de.
mand and supply.
mot always, Eli, said Mr.. Depew;
demand and supply don't always govern
prices. Business tact sometimes governs
them.
"'When,' asked, did an instance
ever occur when the price did not depend
on demand and supplyP
WELL said Mr.. Depew, the other
day / stepped up to a German butcher,
and out Of curiosity asked:
-" What's the price of sausages?s
"'~Dwenty cents bound, I" he said.
You asked 25 this morning, re-
piled.
- va, dot vas ven had some Now
/ amt got none sells him for dwenty
cends. Dot makes me a reputation fol
selling cheab und don'd lose holdings.
You see, said Depew, laughing, i
didn't want any sausage, and the man
didn't have any no demand or supply,
and still the price Of sausage went down.
After telling us no end of funny stories
Eli Perkins says: ANY one can write
humOr who win sit down and write the
honest truth. There is no imagination
in humor. while wit is all imagination.
Il have known kind of half sad hu-
NOR, said Eli Perkins, where two earn
est people misconstrue each others
thoughts. / once heard Of dialogue be-
tween a sweet, dear old clergymanin Ar
kansas and an illiterate parishioner,
which illustrates this idea.
@'Your children have all turned out
vel, reckon said the clergyman, as he
sat down TO dinner with the parishioner
he had not seen in church for several
years.
@'WeIl, yes, all but Bill, poor felIer.'
Drunk ticker, reckon, said the cIer-
gyman sorrowfully.
-'Qh, no; never drunk no Iicker. but