The record-union., 1892-12-03
ON DECK AGAIN.
Squink" Escapes from the Camp of
the Train Robbers
In Time to Hear of the Political
Cyclone-What He Doesn't Know
About the Tariff.

have been expected by any one of aver
age perspicuity the outlaws got away
from me and I returned from their
haunts empty-handed and with nothing
in my possession except some more ex-
perience and few goose shot.
If had been properly supported after
had run down the bandits l might have
brought them in and put them on file,
but, finding such men as Evans and Son
tag and influencing them to any appre-
ciable extent, are separate and distinct
propositions.
A man Of industry and research can
find buzz saw, but if he jumps on it
without proper precaution it doesn't do
him any good-all of which is more ap-
parent than remarkable.
If anyone wants more information con-
cerning those erratic but positive indi-
viduals he has my permission to hunt
them up, and he will probably be sur
prlSed at the readiness with which he will
be accommodated. As for me, l am un-
der verbal contract to-in the language
OF the times-'keep off the grass" 1
never violate contract which has such
unpromlsing consequences appended to
1t as Mr.. Evans attached to my treaty
with him in case prove false. The chief
end OF existence, after all is to survive
awhile longer.
1 turned up in the realms of Consta-
bles, courts and civilization shortly after
election and in time to hear everybody
explain what they guessed at about it.
IL Is not so dangerous to hear post-mor-
tenn politics as it is to associate with
Evans and Sontag, but it is about as
painful and less profitable.
1t seems as though everybody knows
oil oh hn Io4.. -.
takes place, but they always refrain from
unburdening themselves until reliable re-
turns are in, and then they garble the fig
ures. When man comes in fresh from
the woods, even if the latter are full of
train-robbers, and encounters humanity
in it's political, I-told-you-so mood, he
thinks there is something radically rotten
in Denmark, and elsewhere.
There was so much information in the
air upon my arrival that, notwithstand-
ing my regular cargo of condensed
wisdom, l gathered a few more facts
from which l have brushed the barna-
cies and added to my collection. Among
them is the apparent and undisputable
truth that one Of the O. o. P.'s is so badly
embarrassed by the results of the election
that 1t might as well shut up shop and fix
for the funeral.
The only consolation the Republicans
can get comfort out of is that, so far as the
principles of the two great parties are
concerned, the result of the election HASN'T
made any difference.
For number Of years the only princi-
pies which either of them have had any
thing to with were so mixed up with pol-
icy that no one knew whether they had
any or not. If they have had any prin-
clples they were so conservative and
slippery that they made me tired.
Hence, although l am not a Democrat. I
am glad the country is safe. If both great
,ar-tTs tn11- =arg
neither OF them knows as much as they
did last year, people will vote at random
and pray for general results.
One of the most interesting experiences
! recall in my luminous career is an en-
deavor l made to get public Office
which l didn't get, l am proud to say.
only got as far as a county convention
which l had fixed up to suit myself and
placed all the proxies 1 needed in the
hands OF the only honest man there was
IN the convention.
He was not overburdened with intelli-
gence, and l supposed he would vote for
me without fail, but he got drunk, went
over TO the enemy, and nominated a man
who would eat tamales in church. The
man who sold me out received 500 in
cash, for which he gave ''his noteD II
was the only loan he ever negotiated, and
he never needed anything afterward. for
L met him as soon as | could get q shot
gun. 1t was my fortune to reform and
become an upright and honest citizen.
without any influence whatever, all of
which | retain. And so it is. while there
are good men-at least comparatively
they never get into Office, and America is
being inundated with foreigners and
tariff fends.
If could get the President-elect by
the ear for a few moments I could
supply him with a few pointers which
might help him to fix things up for the
future, so he could spend most of his
time fishing or buying pins and pare
goric for the baby. one of the cardinal
pointers l would give him is, not to select
any intelligent men, either for his Cabi-
net or the other Federal offices; to get
fools for the offices, and take it for
granted that intelligent, honest men are
otherwise engaged and not obtainable.
OF course there are exceptions-some
say-but fools are fools, and some of the
best men have known were little off
IN intellectually. Fools have good traits
reliable traits; fools come as near being
honest as any variety of people he could
find, and he would know about what to
expect. And then, if he didn't get what
he expected, he would probably get some
thing better. OF course, if he followed
my advice, wouldn't be eligible, but [
am not an ofice-Seeker so long as iails
abound where a man can find accommo-
datlons, as last resort, and retain his
character-in his own possession at least.
In regard to the tariff and its bearings
upon political economies, under cOudi-
tons which obtain under our form of
government, and IN its bearings upon the
resources of our country, l could write
you up a nice little library, which would
keep you in statistics and brain material
until we shear hogs tor wool. If you will
pay anything for a tariff encyclopedia,
address me, with money enough to FRAY
the freight, and | Will send you an ar
COSY loaded with argument on either side
OF the sublect-Or on both sides. l can
fix up just as much stuff on tariff as |
can on desirable weather." or any other
clearly defined subject.
l could write more on the subject of
tariff than | could on weather, and write
it better, for don't know anything about
it, II l want to write up anything, and
do it well, don't want obstructions to
rear up and interfere with a clear, con-
else, logical and interesting line of
thought.
l haven't any opinion in regard to the
tarit1. l have a large assortment of opin-
ions, of different styles, which L can't do
anything with, but L never waste any
time on tariff theories. If the Republi-
can party had only emulated me in this
respect there would not now be such
dreary landscape before us. If there was
we wouldn't care so much.
Now, there's Mckinley. Mckinley
Say-who threw that loaded brick?
SQUINK,
LIEUTENANT FINLEY.
The Man Who Has so Reliably Man