St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1892-11-14
He Was Tried on the Terri
bic Charge Of Men,
daeity.
Accused Of "Unseientif1c Ly-
ing and Convicted by a
g Jury Of His Peers.
Condemned to the Horrible
Fate Of Reading His Own
Works.

Just been brought back to this country
by some of those who witnessed the
trial and who saw Mark Twain in
chains. and nothing he has ever written
contains more humorous suggestions
than does this story.
Among Mark Twain's fellow passen-
gers upon the steamship Lain were ex-
Judge Dittenhoefer, Sydney Webster,
OF Boston, an eminent lawyer; James
L. Wallach, prominent merchant of
this city, and party of twelve Yale
students, AMONG them being the famous
football champion OF Yale, Mr.. McClung.
Mard Twain had made merry with
the passengers. He told some of his
most extraordinary stories, which, while
they mad the appearance of having oc-
CURED to him at the moment, he in
SlSteu were veritable chronicles, and,
as lncredulity prevailed among tho pas
sengers, it was at last publicly declared
that Mark Twain was Tin his capacity
as story teller an inordinate and
unScientific liar" The humorist re-
scented these accusations, insisting that
II in any of his published variations
there appeared to be anything which
Justified such accusations, he had writ
ten it in moments Of ,irresponsibility or
insanity, and he declared that he was
willing to stand trial upon these charges.
Capt Dampfer, who has the power of
an autocrat upon his ship, authorized
court of admiralty to be organized. of
which Mr.. DittenhOefer was appointed
Judge. Mr.. Wallach was chosen by the
court counsel for prosecution. and Mark
Twain selected the eminent lawyer, MIR.
Webster, counsel for the defense. The
Yale students were impaneled as jurors,
and Mr.. McClung was made foreman
The court was held on the evening of
July IA in the great saloon of the steam
ship. Judge Dittennoefer took his seat
on the bench, and he never looked more
stern when he was serving as Judge in
New York city court.
The jury was seated in box to the
right of the judge, and the counsel were
gathered at table, and near them were
the witnesses for the prosecution and
the defense. After the court was open
ed, Judge Dttenhoefer instructed
The clanking of chains was heard, and
a moment later Mark Twain, with dis
sheveled hair, with shuff1ing step be-
cause the ships irons hung heavy on
his legs. and with his wrists incIoSed in
handouts, was brought in and placed i'll
the prisoners dock.
At command from the Judge the
irons were removed, and the trial began
with speech from the prosecuting Of
ficer. in which he declared that he
should prove that Mark Twain had
been guilty of inordinate and UNI
scientific lying. Here the prisoner
j bent his head to conceal his emotion,
apparently, and seemed to be sobbing.
Miss B. r. Dittenhoefer was called as
the first witness. She read extracts
from Mark Twain's description of the
jumping frog. The jury looked very
solemn when this evidence was in
troduced, and Mr.. Webster, the
counsel for the defense, on cross
examination demanded of the
witness what there was UNI
scientific in this lie, if it was lie, and
she replied that, although it caused peo-
pie to laugh, they smiled at the imprOb-
ability OF the story, and added that there
was nothing funny i'll the suggestion of
filling the stomach Of a frog with shot
to prevent its making jump, and there
by causing its owner to lose a bet.
K. d. Cheney. being summoned as
witness, produced one of Mark TWain's
books and read from it his assertion
that he dropped tear upon the tomb
of Adam. When asked by Mr.. Webster
what there was unscientific about that
lie, if it was lie, Mr.. Cheney replied
that the world knew that Mark Twain
never wept and never made any
one else weep. If he had written that
he searched the vicinity for the tomb
: of Eve or had exumed Adams remains,
that he might discover which rib was
taken for the creation OF Eve, that
would have been an entirely scientific
and rational undertaking at Adams
tomb.
Other witnesses read extracts from
"Huckleberry Finn" and quoted from
the exploits of Col. Mulberry Sellers,
as narrated by Mark Twain to prove
that the accusation that the various
humorous lies there narrated were un-
scientific. and therefore improbable. and
then the prosecution rested.
The defense was insanity or ire
sponSibllity, and the two ships physi-
clans were put upon the stand. each of
whom testified that in all their expert
ence they had never met man who
talked SO irrationally as Mark Twain
did. They declared that the stories.he
told them had not one grain of proba-
bility, and they indicated an abnormal
ly diseased condition of his mind.
. Mark Twain himself was put upon the
stand. He testified that he had no rec
objection of ever having written any
thing about jumping frog, and that he
felt like shifting the men and women
who came to him and told him. as thou
sands of them did, that "The Jumping
Frog" was the funniest story they ever
had read. He testified that IL he ever
said that he went at the tomb of Adam
1t must have been in moments OF hallu-
) cinatlon, since his emotions at the dis
covery of that tomb would certainly
! have been those of joy. q -
G He. attacked the testimony of Mr..
Cheney, declaring that he was unworthy
of belief as witness. why" said he,
81 met Cheney's father few days be-
fore | sailed, and he told me that his
son was being sent to Europe to cure
him of a mania for prevaricatIon. Not
FROM his home for several days. When
he came back In shamefaced manner
his father said:
"'Where have you been?
"'I have been hunting BEAR
"'Well, If you killed any bear | shall
anot punish you; but if you did not kill
any, then l shall Danish you to Europe
for while. How many did you kill?5
81 shot ], 1892 bears, father
"'You are falsifer. You have mixed
UP the year Of our Lord with your bear
shooting exploits. You will have to go
to Carlsbad to be cured"
When Mark Twain finished this anec-
dote the prosecuting attorney declared
that he had been convicted out of his
own mouth, for the anecdote Itself was
an unscientific lie, insomuch that Mark
Twain had mentioned bear as the game,
whereas he should have said fish.
Everybody expects that fisherman viii
eXaggerate the number of fish caught,
but nobody ever knew bear hunter to