The Russellville Democrat., 1892-07-21
Written for TIE DExocgAT.
 THE ACTS OF THE APOSTLES.
Being Series of EpIsfles from ss0ne of the Elect to fbe High Priest, Me
 phisfopheles Beelzebub.
CHAPTER l.

lUaeMHCA ds lt LdLA }lta-e>u Alee- 0 Mephistopheles. to ordain that I. meek and lowly plebian in the fiesh-yet jealous and valiant F F in the spirit-should indite thee of the many doings of the elect while wandering in the Wilderness of Sin.
 Now. it came to pass in the year of the mighty F. P. fbe it known that this is not a patent medicine la bel inscription, but the sign of q great tribe that is destined to do many wondrous things )-in that year there assembled in the city of the chief ruler Of the land of Arkan saw, vast multitude of People fcapitalize the F the like of which had never been seen before. Now, these were the great masses of la borers clamoring for right and just ice.
 And 1t came to pass as we sat in c0nncil, one among us arose, and his garments were white even as the driven snow, and his cheek shone like unto fine brass. and on his back he bore a mighty burden, even al ponderons book. and we looked and behold written thereon in letters of fire were the words. .sThe Arkansaw Farmer. and he opened his month and adInonished us saying
 Hear me. 0 people, All power is given unto me in Arkansaw tol teach and do many wondrous things which only the elect should know Tarry ye here in the temple until yel be imbued with power from Mephis topheles-I must retire and take a pull at some Kentucky red-eye-and after ye have received the Ardent Spirit, % ye into all the world and teach all nations. baptizing them in the name of the Patent Pulyerizers, and of Suttler. and of the Ardent Spirit, and 10, l am with you even unto the end of the campaign. unless knocked out by this convention And l shall give you new name ye shall no longer be known as E. of Els. nor Wheelers. neither U. L. P's but henceforth ye shall be called the Most Exalted Order of Patent Pull verizers ( for we are in it to crush and pulyerize all the old parties.
 Now. brethren, hearken to my words, and ye shall go hence prais- ing Suttler and Mephistopheles, and ye shall be given power to do many wonders, even to raise the dead to life Iresurrect political corpses to nominate for office and cast out devils"
 Then said one, How, pray you, can Satan cast out >atany
 But fear came over us all, and none durst answer.
 Now a certain prophet and man of learning who had cut remarkable swell during the haleyon days of his youth, whose name was Jacob, was now dwelling in seclusion in the dis tant province of Washington.
 And the great assemblage sent a message unto him which did read thusly: Come. 0 Jacob, get a hus tie on myself. take thy rusty hoe and get thee into the eornfeld, for we send messengers unto thee to no tify thee that thou shalt be our next ! king-and this is essential, c Jacob. 1 that the eternal fitness of things be fulfilled"
 And Jacob did as he was com manded, and thus was he held up as a ~horny handed son of toil'' and proclaimed king by the Most Exalt cd Order of Patent Puiverizers. And l he was no longer called Jacob, but 1 his name was changed to Israel
 And many other things did the elect while tarrying in the great city, even the calling and ordaining of the saints. And after we had wit messed the outponring of tue Ardent { Spirit, each went his way rejoicing
 Now, 0 Memphistopheles, many of the things we saw and did, shall 1 they not De written in this book 7 4 But not alI,-nay much will omit lest Walter exclude it from the mails, and it is not mete that all our secrets be revealed
 Now may the great high priest and the Ardent Spirit endow thy servant with virtue t0 withstand the sheriff. tue revenue officer, and the final conflagration, and l will next relate the acts of our brethren, the Clayt0nians and Children of Ham. fc, thr.., Err.snraat th1t fhnxy Y.<a t.t.r.r !