The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1892-10-25
COL. BUaG ON CHAIRS.
He Believes Rockers Came From the
InQuisition


when we pause to consider, if l may be
allowed 70 plagiarizs the expression, We are
impressed with the evils " hich have been
deposited on our modern times, and are
showing incubation. Many evils are rife;
some are rifer than others, but they are all
In the rife business for cash. When q soft.
insinuating. violet-eyed, flesh-tinted evil
cannot work the rife racket. it pulls in it's
signs and quits.
ION the other hand, there is danger of be-
coming too rife. Mr.. Weaver became TOO
rife in Georgia, and he is still picking shell
out OF his hair from an egg tha5 grew tired
OF this vain, vain world when Pharaoh wes
little boy, and died. The death struggles
of sick egg are not dramatic, but when
modification sets IN, the corpse OF an egg
dsties the world. The body of a deceased egg
Is pitiable sight, even IN the dark. When
think of the burdens Of the great and how
the progress Of presidential candidate is
liable TO be stopped by the
same egg that Columbus stood on end 400
years ago. clasp humility and obscurlty
10 my diaphragm, and pull out the throttle
OF my tear ducts for joy. IL IS better to
have cottage where love is than a presi-
Dental nomination with premature poultry
between meals. OF course Mr.. Weaver felt
all broken up. And so did the egg.
I'VE point with pride to the American
is the same dear old bird with the high,
arstocratie instOp in his beRk. At least
SO, rs, coo of the 60,o0U,000 people In this
country point with pride to the great eagle.
MUST BE CAREFUL.
Zone cannot be too careful when he Ia
uaing figures in a presidential campaign. l
make the exception of POS, coo people who
do not point with pride, as ! see by the last
census that that many are armless. Accu-
racy is the top.knot Of truth. Nothing
pains me more than TO see a newspaper state
that a one-legged old soldier candidate is
going to get there with both feet.
What | wanted to say, when my mind
quit working and my mouth went on from
force of velocity, was that while we have
our country we should not look at its faults
through the wrong end OF a telescope. Do
not DO an optimist to such an extent that
you can opdmize yourself into believing
that your country is fAultless. You may
work your little optimizer hard enough to
make you think you love your mother
in-law, olives, and caviar sand witches, but
there should never be time when your pa
triotism is too good to pick up and kick out
of its boots. There never will bs time
whsn the country will be appareled in CO.
lestial light. / am not much of q prophet,
but any man who can see into the future
more than seven feet will acknowledge
what say.
"The principal evils that are weighing on
this country at present are monopolistio
greed, political corruption, and rocking
chairs, and the greatest Of these are rock
ing chairs.
1.-THE rocking chair is a constant menace
TO society. 1t arises in the morning while
the glistening dew is on the grass and at
tacks the hired girl. No man who has not
heard the hired girl slip down in the gray
dawn and try conclusions with an old-fash-
toned rocking chair knows what Christian
resignation is. When you are yanked from
the sweet realms of sleep by the laundering
maid stepping on the end OF a rocker, and
you lie and llsten to the chair deftly stroll
ing over ths servants anatomy and break
ing a mirror or two at the same time, you
feel like walking out iHto the gladstone twi-
light and touching the atmosphere with
deep terra cetta remarks.
FATE OF BABY.
Babies do net know much, as a rule.
But there wac never q child born on this
terrestrial sphere, who would not, IL incloaed
Ia tsnsacre 6eldi nose about until 1t found
a rocking chair tJcra vi under. The empty
rocking chsir has no CHARMS fer baby.
But its fondnsss amounts TO passion when
a large person Is in the chair who rocks
quick and dsoisivsly. The baby then clev-
crippled fer life. The parents will remem-
Der that net week before phrsnologist
had examined the baby's head and said his
propensity for practical jokes was large.
Another thing about the rocking chairs
Is that almost all Of them are musical.
Sometimes this crseking is very soothing,
but " hen rocking chair gets aesthetical
and goes to giving selections from Wagner,
it is meet and proper to apply an ak. There
al Lea m In Of 81
soul as rocking chair trying to execute an
air from Gotterdsmmerung.' l submit
this TO discriminating public.
"And above all rocking chair ia not
comfortable. You may be struggling along
in the middle of this, our mortal life, and
be almost on the brink Of psrsuading your
self that yon are happy, when low-5rowed,
rocking chair will come into
your pathway and sock you terrible blow
in the upper region of the soul. 1t will
wear holes in your body and stripe you all
over with deep blue rainbows, and you will
either retire from business, an invalid, or
secure job IN a museum, impersonating a
man.
"This is the rocking chair as it is to-day.
Sink or swim, survive or perish, it ia time
to draw q ripsaw athwart the plebeian legs
of the rocking chair and ostracise it from
the American hearthstone
INVENTED BY THE INQUIsITION.
81 used to have a friend who said the
rocking chair was invented by the Spanish
inquisition. / do not doubt it. The Spau-
ish tnquisition was capable OF good many
capabilities. I do lot say this to dazzle
anybody with my rhetoric. When the
Spanish inquiSition inquisitioned a man, it
was good plan TO sink your
Doodle into the bosom Of the Vastly
deep and write your codicil after. When
ever the inquisition discovered that a
mau thought that he was thinking
thought, they would send an iuquisitionist
around 10 nab him. Then they brought hun
into a little museum whore they poured
molten lead into his ears aud fed him on red
hot bullets. After Han had swallowed
about peck or two Of red-hot bullets, any
tendency 10 think a thought had disap-
psared. Sometimes they were liberated
after these little plsasantries and dropped
dead on their way home. Others died
on the spot at the earnest solicitao
tion of the president Of the slaughter de-
partment.
THE inquisition was quite gay society
while it lasted. 1t al y avs tried to be cheer
full and happy. Its motto was to let others