The Russellville Democrat., 1892-04-21
MR. JONES HAS 4 BIRTHDAY.

"Jeptha, said Mrs. Jones in a little waydown voice that sounded soft and squeaky, "to-day is your birthday, and you know l always give you 2 birthday present. 7
 s'Yes, Maria, answered Mr. Jones hastily, 'sbut you needn t mind any this year. I still have tho box of cigars that you gave me on my last anniversary"
 "Ihere was cake of French soap, too, and shaving mug, Jeptha,n insisted Mrs. Jones, in a hurt tone.
 aOh, yes. I've used the soap every day, and its shadow hash t grown less yet as 1 can sec. The shaving mug broke--accidentally, of course"
 "Oh, of course," chirped Mrs. Jones. "You don't suppose l thought you broke 1t on purposeg Well, dear, this time I've bought you--now guess.
 Slippers, suspenders, a foot-rest, smoking jacket, slumber robe. man icure set-n
 "0h, no, no, interrupted Mrs. Jones. ''I knew you would never guess. Look there, Jeptha," and Mrs. Jones laid in Mr. Jones un- willing arms package of something metallic and a long, narrow box.
 He opened the box first and dragged out four long strips of silk, lined and wadded, each of differ ent color.
 "What are these, MariaG" asked the unhappy man, moved by premonition of woe.
 "Four-in-hands I made them myself. You can wear one at a time or all four at once, just as you like. Ain't they awfully sweet9'
 ''But, good heavens, Maria, they are made of women's goods Men don't wear that kind of stuff-no man living could tie one,' said Jones, mentally wondering if one of them would bear his wretched weight.
 aOh, they'll do,' said Mrs. Jones, cheerfully. aYou are too particular. Jeptha, dear. Now un- do the package" And she retreated towards the door in such manner that Jones wondered if it were dyn- amite.
 But she only did that to get bet ter vantage ground from which to observe his delight when he saw the piece de resistance of his natal day.
 It opened up well, as three leaved shaving mirror with patent attachment which would enable 5 nervous man to shave himself.
 "Well, that is quite scheme, :" said Jones, complacently; '.you'v ve hit it this time, Maria. How does 1t work 2n
 ''Why, you put this self adjusting shelf under your chin, and this strap over your head, and that brings the mirror round your face so that you can see both sides at once, and of course the razor is inside in your hand, and you fasten this catch and 1t fits as snug as a helmet. Great invention, isn't it9p
 At that moment the door bell rang and Mrs. Jones was called out of the room to see company.
 Jones studied himself and thought he was pretty good looking man. He mapped out diagram for his next shave, and examined new mole that appeared in constella- tion under his left ear. Then he began to perspire, and concluded to lay aside the adjustable mirror.
 Mrs. Jones half hour later was talking to her caller when strange noise was heard up stairs.
 "It must be the cat she said, and listened.
 Sounds like some one in dis tress, said her company as she rose.
 "Maria !" called a smothered voice. M.a-r-i-a, h-e-l-p, m-u-r- der"
 Mrs. Jones rushed up the stairs, and as soon as she saw Mir. Jones she began to laugh hysterically.
 "Take off the internal thing" he shouted as he cavorted around the room with his head fastened in its cage of glass and steel.
 "Keep still! 1 can't find the com bination," !" gasped Mrs. Jones. "0h, Jeptha, you do look so funny"
 But Mir. Jones was in no mood to be trifed with, and by the time Mrs. Jones had his head Out of its novel frame she realized it.
 A hollow peace is patched up, and Mrs. Jones says that she will hang that mirror where she can see her bonnet in it, and in that way 1t will do the most good.
 And she thinks the new four-in- hands can be utilized as belts for her new Russian blouse.
 Jones thinks-but his thoughts cannot be recorded in a family news paper. Detroit Free Press.
 How to Be Aristocratic.