The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1892-10-22
violently against the wall, threw IL upon

would have upon the bird. The parrot
pulled himself together. shook his bcdrag-
gled pluniage ami finally opened his eyes.
Seeing his muster standing calmly by, he
called out to him, Say, where in blankety
blank were you when the cyclone struck
us?"
Another of Fleming Dubgnon's cam
paign stories Is used to illustrate his argu-
ment that even IL General Weaver should
happen to be elected president he would be
lost amid the Immense responsibilities Of
the Office
a railroad was built through some of
the back counties of Georgia, and an old
farmer and his wife, who then saw loco
motive for the first time, stood in the door
way of their cabin watching train whiz
by. Their dog, being also an amateur in
the railway business, was running after
the train, barking furiously.
"Do you think he'll cotch the train?"
asked the old woman.
II dunno replied the old man med
itatively. "Thet amt what's worryin me-
Pm wonderin what the durn foorll do
with it if he does catch it''
Governor Jones, of Arkansas, who is one
of tho ablest and brightest men in the
south, tells n good story of his experiences
in the Birmingham riots. A Catholic
church was within the lines formed by the
militia. and on Saturday the parish priest
asked the governor to open up the lines
next morning, so the people could get
through and attend mass The governor
promised to do 50, and gave the necessary
orders. But early next morning he was
sent for, there being trouble near the
church. A citizen had approached one of
the sentries, and on being CHALLENGED to
state his business had replied:
whats my business isn't your bust
ness. You're the blankest fool in Amer
lea anyway"
Upon being thus insulted the sentry had
held the man and sent for his command
ing officer. When the governor arrived
upon the scene and heard the facts lie gave
the parshoner good natured lecture.
The soldier isonly performing his duty,
and as law abiding man you should re-
spect him and use proper language in nd
dressing him. Take back what you just
said to the soldier"
"Oi take back nothing" retorted the
angry citizen. "Oi will only add that
it's you that's tho blankest fool in Amer
ica."
Sentry" exclaimed the governor in his
sternest tone, sis your piece loaded9"
at is, sir.''
''Then arrest this man and take him to
the guardhouse. If he attempts to escape
shoot himp'
The citizen looked the governor in the
eye for n moment but saw there no signs
of yielding. Then he politely dotted his
cap and explained us quick as he could
speak the words:
Colonel, yer honor, Oi'm mistaken.
It's nayther you mr. the soldier but meself
that's the blankest fool in America"
The cleverncss of this was irresistible.
and the man was told to pass on to mass
"Only an Irishman," said Governor
Jones, would have had the quick wit to
| get out of scrape i'll that neat manner"
Sam Small and Frank Rice, of Atlanta.
were rival candidates for some local Office.
| Small took the stump, but Rice wouldn't
say word. Sam tried every way he could
| devise to goad his rival into breaking his
evident determination to say nothing, be-
ing confident that if Rice attempted to
| speak he would make bad mess of it; but
the latter never opened his mouth nor even
wrotea word to the papers Finally Small
caught Rice in crowd and told this story:
Frank Rice is like small boy that lived
in West Atlanta" he said 1.-THE bows
mother thought him only half witted. but
she didn't want every one else to know it,
and SO she told him to keep his mouth shut
| when strangers were around. One day lie
| came over to town with her and went into
| shoe store. Just rs they entered the door
his mother said to him: Now, son, no mat
ter what people say to you, don't you speak
word. Then they won't find out you re n
fool While the good woman was buying
pair of shoes one of the clerks patted the
boy on the head and said to him, WHAT'S
your name" No response. Are you deaf,
my little man!' Not n word from the bow.
Are you dumb, thens' Still not u word.
rs that your mother over thercY' Nary
sound from the boys lips. i know what's
the matter with you, said the clerk, you're
blooming fool AT this the boy ran to
his mother, believing: 'Boo-hoo-boo- hoo!
Mother, this man has found out Pm fool,
| and l hain't said n wordn"
| This story was more than Rice could
bear. He didn't enter joint debate with
Small, but he withdrew from the contest.
| Some of the best stories heard in the
south have bluff, witty, impacable Bob
| Toombs as their hero. For long time
after the war Toombs lived at the Kimball
| House i'll this city The decorative and
| line carpenter work, including the stairs
| of the hotel was done by workmen from
the north. At times Colonel Toombs took
! abonrd little more liquor than he could
| conveniently carry, and on one such occa-
sion was painfully climbing the stairs in
| the Kimball House Oh his way to bed
| when he stumbled and fell ali in n heap.
| Two or three young men ran to him, lifted
him up and s;eadicd him on his feet. Thus
| supported. Toombs turned and surveyed
| the stairs on which he had just fallen, with
| contemptuousness written on every line of
his face, and then he muttered:
| "a ID Yankee never did know how
to build pair of stairs nohowr'
Another story about Toombs which do
not remember having seen in print:
| After the war Colonel Toombs received
| letter from his old friend Oliver u Nor