davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
Didn't Know the War Was Over.

According to a story in Mr.. Albert
Lawson's War Anecdotes the last Con.
federate did not surrender until fifteen
months after Appomattox. The story is
that on the morning OF Fourth oil July,
1866, the Secretary of War, who had
planned a fishing excursion to the Falls
of the Potomac, received a telegram
from the Provost Marshal at Richmond
saying that a squad of Confederate SOL
diers were at his office ready to deliver
up their arms and be amnestied. Know
ing that joking of that sort would subject
the perpetrator to court-martial, the Sec
rotary hastened to the White House to
consult with President johnson. The
result was u telegram to the Provost
| Marshal:
"Who are they, and where did they
come fromY"
Answer was prompt and to the point:
"Sergeant Tewsbury and guard from
Dismal Swamp. Did not know the war
was over"
After a good deal of laughter the
Provost Marshal was ordered to receive
their equalization, which was conducted
in due form. Tewsbury, an old Virgin
ian, ordered his squad-a couple OF
Georgians-to give up their guns and
sign the papers, reserving himself as the
last man Of all the Confederate forces to
surrender.
The old sergeant's description of the
way he found out the war was over was
amusing. He and his companions had
been posted on the edge of the swamp
to watch movements of the Union troops
from Norfolk, with orders to remain
until relieved, aud subsisted on game
and fish for three years. At last he met
an old colored man who told him the wal
had been over about a year, which
'tickled him better than if he had beer
kicked by a mule" as he expressed it.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
Independence Hall Has to Be Watched.

Il is II fact not generally known that
Independence Hall in Philadelphia is
closely watched on the outside night and
day. 1t is sail that if this ~precaution
were not taken the historical old pile
would 1901 be defaced, if not totally
wrecked, by relic hunters. Despite the
close watch kept the vandals once in a
while will manage to carry off a piece.
One woman has a beautiful gold mounted
brooch made from a bit of one Of the
foundation stones, which she prizes high
ly. Another person, who lives on North
Broad street, has a model of ~Independ-
ence Hall carved from u brick stolen
from the structure. The sculptor who
did the work was paid $500 for his
trouble. In the old tower is a tiny clock,
which strikes the hours on a wee silver
bell. The is mounted on a
nickel pedestal, and the owner would
rot part with it for love or money.-Nep
l0sk Commercial 4deertiser.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
How BarharIans ShaYa.

In my wanderings about the world,
writes a veteran traveller, being of the
Esau type, a hunter and a hairy man, l
tested the BARRIERS Of many nations and
bought their facial implements, too. The
razor of India, though a clumsy looking
semi. disk of steel on a straight handle,
does its work, in native hands, on scalps
las a religious rite), and on rough faces,
very neatly and. comfortably by merely
m~oistening the epidernis with cold water,
soap being prohibited. Many a time has
that primitive instrument crossed my
chiu without making q scratch. At the
courts of Oriental tyrants drawinga drop
of blood during the operation of shaving
was q capital offense-a precautionary
edict, no doubt.
Mussel shells were, till lately, used by
savagcs for the removal of hair, till the
important discovery that a fragment of
broken bottle is far more effective. Such
is the case with those fierce islanders of
the Andamans, who operated in this
rough fashion on two escaped Indian
convicts, whose lives were spared, as they
were considered desirable ''young men,"
fit for a tribal alliance by marriage.
When afterward rescued, these foolish
truants described their sufferings under
the ceremonial installation as terrific and
of long duration.
Prehistoric man used a fake of flint to
remove his locks and eyebrows, "disigur-
ing his co~untenance" on occasions of
mournino. The modern Hlndoo shows
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
Fooled by a Sharp filibuster.

A. P. Hulse, late of the Custom House,
tells a good story of some filibustering
that came under his notice thirty-two
years ago;
In 1859 Harry Maury, a midshipmau
who had resigned from the service of the
United States Government, wa in COM
mand Of a brig of Mobile Bay. The ves-
sell was loaded with filibusters for Walker
and was overhauled by n revenue cutter.
An officer went aboard in the night with
instructions to seize the vessel and bring
her to Mobile. Meury, who was equal
to the emergency, prepared himself by
unshackling the anchor from the chain
and fastening a lantern to a pole. When
the vessel arrived at Dog River bar it
it was hailed from the cutter and ordered
to come to.
Then came the order, ''Let go your
anchor!" Maury let go. "Pay out
thirty fathoms of chain!" was the next
order. Mau.y ran the chain through the
hawser hole and over the rail back on
deck. He was ordered next to hoist a
light, which he did by lighting the Ian
tern already affixed to the pole and stick.
ing the latter in the mud. He then,
when all was quiet, put off down the
bay leaving the cutter watching the light,
which it did until morning.
In the meantime the officer from the
cutter who was in charge of the flibuster-
ing vessel was down in the cabin playing
cards and drinking champagne. On ar
rival at the entrance of the harbor the
officer was tapped on the shoulder and
told of where they were and asked
if he wished to go ashore. A boat
was at his service and he took it, return
ing to the cutter in time to share the
chagrin of his mates.-San Diego (OaI.)
| Sun.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
PITH AND POINT.

The cigarette habit-Rice paper.
Opposed to ring rule-The bachelor.
An all-night ,dive-Fhe suns below
the horizon.-Puck.
Farmer whetstone-"What do you
give with a cash order2" Mr.. Barter
"a receipted Dill l.'-Puck.
1t may be that revolutionary ideas are
the result of a turning of matters over in
the mind.-Detroit Free Press.
She-ssAre the examinations at Yale
hardT He-"Yes; they are so hard
that you can't cut them Yale Record.
"How do you like your new boarding
housed Is the table nice2" swell,
there is never anything put OF 1t that
would take away your appetite. "-Puck.
Al rown is on the butchers brow
And he singeth a doleful tune;
For beef was never so high as now
Since the COW jumped over the moon.
-New York Continent.
"Was the elopement a SUGGEST"
"Hardly." ssWhat went wrongf' "Her
father telegraphed us not to return, and
all would be forgiven."-Harper's
Bdzar.
81 don't think much of Mrs. Bron-
son." said Mrs. Smifles. 81 spent the
afternoon with her-and such a woman
for listening to scandal 1 never knewl"
--New York Herald.
A grave-iigger was digging a grave,
And he whistled like a thr ash or a 'linnet;
The reason he whistled while digging that
grave
Was because he himself wasn't sin it."
Franklin Netus.
Clara-"My physician has advised me
to go to Germany for my complexion,
aud I don't want to go a bit. l was
there only last year." Maudc-"Why
don't you have it sent overf"-Neao YORK.
Sun.
In Court: "Have you anything to say
in your defense, %prisoneri" "Nothing,
Your Honor, except that l made a mis-
take in the number of the house. I did
not at all intend to break into that
house."
'sNow," said the teacher, who had
been trying to instil her class with a love
of nature, (which of the seasons do you
likei Johnny may answer" And
Johnny promptly answered: "The base
ball season. - Washington Post.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A MOST Extraordinary Winter.

Last winter was the most extraordi-
nary one of this century in England, and
NJ. Mares reports that the weather in Al
geria was quite as remarkable as in
Europe. In many places sowing was
prevented by excessive rainfall, and in
others the torrents swept the seeds
away. A heavy fall of now lay on the
mountain sides for two whole days, the
first snow that NJ. Mares had seen in
t~hirty-6ve years that did not melt the
instant it reached the ground Trenton
IN. u American.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
THE NEED OF PROBATION.

"It is u first dinner together, dar-
ling, and I have invited our old friend,
DIR. Safeleigh, to dine with u.s."
The young wife was quite satisfied.
The doctor came on time, was excellent
company, and the various dishes, all pre-
pared by the bride, apparently appreci-
ated.
1t was not until the physician had
gone that the wife suddenly grew
thoughtful.
"Thomas," she suddenly broke out,
"why, above all friends, did you invite
but one mau, and that man a doctor, to
dine with us to-day3 oh, Thomas
Thomas to think that you were afraid to
eat your first meal of my cooking with
out having a doctor at your very elbow"
-Philadelphia Times.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
Worth its Weight In Gold.

In China there is a root called khe-ki-
ye, which often sells for from twenty to
100 times its weight in gold. In Nan
'churia the same root, under a different
name, if anything ever more unpro-
nounceable, sells equally as high. These
roots, which in order to be highly valu-
able, must be of a peculiar shape, are
bought only by mandarins, priests n
Others of the wealthiest classes. Single
roots of this plant not weighing more
than the tenth of an ounce are SAID to
often sell for from $50 to $75 each.
What is still more remarkable about this
valuable Eastern root is the TACT that u
is & closely allied species, if not identical'
with our common ginseng.-H. LOUIS fS-
public.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
Rapid.Transit Nails.

The experiments conducted at Laurel
Station, Nd, make it probable that be-
fore long hight packages of matchmaker
will be forwarded by a combination
of pneumatic tubes and electric motors
at the rate Of $50 miles an hour, or izo
miles allowing for the delays at midway
distributing offices. In that way ffty-
letter packages mailed at Baltimore on
Monday morning might reach San ffAn-
cisco about Tuesday noon.-Bstora.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

ing his best endeavor to ring a door bell
Just beyond his reach. A well-known
minister happened along, and, with the
impulse OF a good Samaritan, waited to
help the boy.
Like to ring that bell, sonnyp
ayes, sir; but l can't reach it"
The divine stepped to the veranda and
gave the bell a vigorous pull as he patted
the interesting ju7enile on the head.
"Now run like the dickensl' shouted
the kid, as he shot down the street at
top speed. All the man could do was to
laugh at this d~eplorable bit of worldii'
ness and make explanation when the
call was answered Detroit Nsns.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A Six Footed Calf.

A Jersey COW belonging to Linneus
Cain, a farmer near Mo~orsville, Ind,
gave birth to a calf having six separate,
distinct and well developed feet. The
extra feet are attached to the hind legs
and it walks on all of its six feet alike.
The calf is doing well, and is as active
as any Of its species with natural feet.
Mr.. Cain has received likely offers for
the freak as a museum curiosity.-h-
dianapoll NsHs,
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

Travellers in the South American forest
~reoions would smile at the idea that all
the beasts and birds of this planet have
by this time been described and cata-
logued. Every now and then hunters
shoot specimens that puzzle even the ma
tive wood rovers, aud it is a suggestive
fact that Of the quadrumanous tribe
alone, some twenty new varieties ave
been discovered within the last thirty
years. Our geographical textbooks, too,
are far from being complete. Less thar
a century ago Humboldt thought to come
nretty near the truth in estimating the
total number of active volcanoes at 40.
Now the Sunda Archipelago alone Is
known to contain considerably over "oo.
-Rslford.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

oftroulie. Had he done thisf Had he
done hiS dutyf
This was the question that arose in
Caris heart, and turning away from the
sight Of the vase he went to the bedside
Of his wife and frankly told her how his
eyes had been opened to his shortcom-
ings; how seldshneas had devoured him,
md how blind he had grown to his
duties and her wants. "Kate," said he,
''forgive me for all my i~ll-treatment Of
you. / have been in the hands of an
evil spirit. This day the seal has
dropped from my eyes, and henceforth I
shall endeavor to be to you all that I
have promised" And he was.-Yankee
Blade.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
One of the Largest Of Trees.

In a notice of the remarkably inter.
esting flora of Lord Howe Island, 800
miles east of Australia, N. W. Betting
Hemsley states that this peck of land,
only seven miles long by one wide,
contains n of the largest trees known
"a huge banyan covering three acres of
ground. There seems, in fact, to be
only one larger tree on record-the
famaus banyan between Poona and
Kolapore, in the bombay Presidency,
whose branches extend over six OF
seven acres. --zfenton IN. J.) american.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A GENERAL CONCURRENCE.

Bloomer-"Don't you think the high
hats worn by the women should be
abolished2'
Blossom (who has just paid a milliner's
bilD-"Abolishedl Of course l do"
Bloomer-"Especially in theatres"
Observation-Disclosures or churches, they
ought to be abolished. What we want
IS a low-priced hat every ine."-Epoch.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

"Haven't you forgotten something,
sir 2" limited the waiter insolently, as
the guest was leaving the table.
"Ah, yes, thanks; l believe I have"
and the guest took a half dollar from
under his plate, and with a pleasant
smile put it back in his pocket. - Wash
iaoton Star.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

"Young man." said the stern father,
''do you realize that my daughter is in
the habit of wearing dresses that cost
all the way from $50 to 1902"
az do" replied the young man, firmly;
sand, sir" he continued, an exultant
ring in his voice, sit was only the other
night that we took an account of stock,
and found that she had enough of them
to last three years ahead. "-Cloas Re
. pien.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
WORDS OF WISDOM.

Policy is successful hypocrisy.
The best books are those that are not
written.
Adversely is the only balance to weigh
friends.
He that increaseth In knowledge, in
creaseth sorrow.
Tell me whom you love and I'll tell
you who you are.
Do not trust in the beggar who asks
for "a little assistance"
Notoriety is a froth that iutoxicates
shallow men and women.
For insult given, the noblest ven
geance is forgetfulness forever.
Happiness is the health of the soul;
therefore the soul is always sick.
War, unless waged for liberty or SELF
preservation, is simply grotesque.
You have sometimes known happiness,
.ehi Yes, the happiness of others.
All the great generals had great SOL
diers to fight their battles for them.
The number Of asses parading around
in lions skins Is frightful to contem-
plate.
Don't let us speak ill of our enemies;
they are the only persons who do not de-
ceive us.
What are some mems skulls filled with
that they should cut such fantastic men
tai capersf
The majority of the people live poorin
order to die rich; it is n great deal wiser
to live rich and die poor.
Woman is perfect in good as in evil;
while man, pretending to be a reasonable
animal, is nothing but an animal.
He who is not born with a grain Of
madnessin his composition is disinherited
by Fate. He will be neither poetic nor
artistic, nor victorious, nor amorous, nor
young.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

claws a mussey," sighed old Miss
Leftout, "here's another case of dis
eliminating against us woman folk"
"What IS it,"
"This yerc paper gives special terms
to mail subscribers. Ye can jest bet
that sheet never gifts this female subscrip-
tion."-St. Joseph Neus.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
PUTTING 1T OFF.

Tommy's Mamma (as Tommy suddenly
burst out crying)-"What is the mat
ter 2"
Tommy--"I hurt myself this after
noon"
Tommy's Mamma-"Why didn't you
cry then instead of now |"
Tommy-''Cause I was busy. I was
playing with Freddy then."-Judgs.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A TERRIBLE FELLOW.

Penelope (proudly)-'I want to marry
a man who will be my master"
Dickey-"Weally, l think l nm just
the one, my deah; in fact I know it.
You WEAKLY ought to see me manage my
valet. / am actually bwutal to the poor
fellah, don't you know" Munsey's
Keeklu.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
SILENCE OF LOVE.

OF all the words that bear their part
In all the deeds of day to day,
One word is chiefly in my heart,
One little word | must not say.
The hills of truth are straight and steep,
They have a smart in every stone,
And climbing them l needs must weep
To think that love must die unknown.
Night follows day-iay chases night.
And brings a lesson strange to teach,
That love is lifeless in the light
And silence is the fullest speech.
-Longnan's MaJdsine.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

"They say that time is money; but l
don't believe it."
"Why not?"
"Because rich men never seem to
have a moment to spare."-Pack.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A REALISTIC ROMANCE.

Mrs. Chromolit-"My dear Professor,
pray tell us what in your opinion consti-
tutes the difference between romance and
realism"
Professor Freex-''Romance, my dear
madam, makes us wish we were what we
are not; and realism makes US disguised
with what we aie."-Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A FRANK ANSWER.

The Well Fed Man-"I simply cannot
live without you"
The Cynical Girl Surveying him criti-
cally)-"When a reputable insurance
company declines you as a risk 1 will
marry you. Not till then."-M unsey's
Weekly.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
A TOUGH

Crusty Ito his nephew)-"Well, here's
another check, but remember to take
care of it. A fool and his money are
soon parted"
Bill S~capegracc (aside)-"That's so;
it only tcok me half an hour to coax this
out of you!"-Aunsey's Weekly.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

Amy-"These newspaper articles on
What Shall We Do With Our Boys?'
make me tired"
Mabel-''Me too; every girl knows
that the best thing to do with her boy
is to marry him. "-Epoch.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

Artist-''Do you like my picture Of
an italian with q hand -organi"
Critic-"Well, there's one thing like
about it. The organ does not CO.,
Good Neus.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
WAS IT INTENTIONAL?

First Tenor--''Hello, old boyl how
did your singing take last night at the
.New-married ladies social league q"
Second Tenor (aged forty. five)-
s'Bah! it didn't take at all, They
wouldn't speak to me afterwards"
First Tenor-"'That's queer. What
did you singh"
Second Tenor-"I sang when you
and l were young and for an encore l
sang Twas twenty years ago. ~
Judge.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

"Win you walk into my parlorT' said the
spider to the n.y.
"Well, hardly said the insect, as he winked
the other eye.
"Your parlor has an entrance, but OF exits
1t liz shy,
So I'll stay outside in safety, and remain
little fly"
Life.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.

The Modern Fly-she Knew What to
Dole Liked lt-A Tough In
sinuation-A Proverb Dis
proved, Etc, Etc.
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29
ONE woMAN's REFINING INFLUENCE.

n WOMAN 3 NEFINING
~Claydon-"I think it must be true that
woman exert a refining influence on
man."
Mrs. Claydon-''Of course it is"
Claydon--"N Now, there's Jaysmith.
His wife's scoldiug has driven him to
drink, and he's been fined AMI refined
COR disorierly conduct"
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

New York City has clearly developed
case Of leprosy on her hands,
The Penn's Grove record., 1891-05-29

THE WICKET URcHIN n THE GOOD Man.
A ~precocious little rascal was nohcet
on Jefferson avenue the other day max
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-04-02
TO PURIFY ELECTIONS.
The Trip Corrupt Practices Bill
Meets Considerable Opposition,

Mr.. Kinney was called to the chair
when the house went into committee of
the whole yesterday afternoon. Mr..
Trips bill for an act to prevent crimes
against the elective franchise was dis
cissed at some length. Mr.. Greer
sought to make the bill apply only to
cities of 10000 and over, and moved to
amend accordingly. This was sup
ported by Mr.. Gallagher, of HennepiD.
the latter also predicting that if passed
the law would become dead letter.
Mr.. Trip opposed the amendment, as
did also Mr.. Gidea, of Murray. Mr..
Greer defended the amendment. There
might be call for this bill by the large
cities. but outside he had never heard
of any one wanting such legislation.
Mr.. Trip argued that such law was
necessary throughout the state at large
during general election. If they had
had such law last fall they would
would never have heard of the emissary
Of a high functionary of the state tray
cling from town to town in wagon.
Mr.. Greer thought it WAS entirely out
of order for man who had only par
ticipated In two or three elections in
this state to attempt to toist upon the
people law which they dbl not want.
Mr. StOckwell-Do not the people want
pure and clean elections:
Nj. Greer-I believe that the people have
good, clean elections. l know that III my
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-04-02

tisan as John Day Smith. who evil
IDENTIFY regretted the fact that he was to
have no opportunity to declaim against
a partisan apportionment, acknowl-
edged that the bill was far and just
measure. The bill follows:
Section l. The state of Minnesota is here
by divided into seven congressional districts
each of which is entitled to elect one repre-
sentative to the congress of the United
States
Section2. The counties of Houston, Fill
more, Mower, Freedom, Waseca, Steele,
Dodge, Olmsted, Winona and Wabasha shall
Section 3. The counties of Faribault
Martin, Jackson, Noble Rock, Pipestone
Murray, Watonwan, Blue Earth, Nicollet.
Brown, Redwood, Lyon, Lincoln, Yellow
Medicine, La qul Parle, Chippewa ana Cot
tonwood shall constitute the Second con-
greSsiOnal district.
Section t. The counties of Goodhue. Da-
kota, Rice, Scott LIE Sueur, Sibley, Carver,
Mcleod. Renville and Meeker shall con sti-
tute the Third congressional district.
Sec. 5. The counties of Ramsey, Washing
ton, Chisago. Isanti and Kanabec shall con-
stitute the Fourth congressional district.
Sec 6. The county of Hennepin shall con-
stitute the Fifth congressional district
Sec. Z. The counties of Cook, Lake, St.
Louis, Itasca, Carlton. Aitkin. Crow Wing.
Pine, Mile Laos, Anoka, Sherburne, Wright
Wadena, Hubbard, Beltrami, Stearns, Ben
ton, Morrison, Todd and Cass shall consti-
tute the Sixth congressional district.
Sec. s. The counties of Kittson, Marshall,
Polk, Norman, Clay, Wilkn, Traverse, Big
Stone. Swift. Kandiyohi. Stevens, Pope.
Douglas. Grant Otter Tail and Becker shall
constitute the Seventh congressional district
See. 9. This act shall take effect and be in
force from the date OF its passage.