The record-union., 1891-06-06
"BACKWOODS BELLIES"
One of Them Has a Severe Spasm
of Patriotism.
She is Disguised With the Eastern
People Who Do Not Appreciate
They May Find Relief.

| People Who Do Not Appreciate
| California, and Points Ont How
They May Find Relief.
| Especial correspondence of RECoRD-UNIoN.l
You have met him! You will grasp
my hand with silent, tender sympathy.
If Fate has blessed you, and spared you
the trial of coming in contact with him,
then only ask your commiseration. He
is the Eastern man who finds California
blooming bore. | would not rob him of
his opinion-everyone has right to that
in this glorious land of the free, but /
would raise my voice against his making
our lives a gruesome nightmare by dis
secting our climate and resources and
hoisting on high the alleged DEFICIENCIES.
am not overburdened with patriotism,
inasmuch as my shouts did not mingle
with those of the dear people in welcom-
ing the smiling Chief Executive to the
Golden State-the fgure-head that adorns
the PROV of the ship of State. In prefer
ence to reading the engrossing kilograms
that tailed every sneeze and smile,
turned to the market reports and legal
y Ys
| No, but that is to show that l can be
patriotic when occasion demands, and
the occasion is when an EaSterner, who
has crawled out of his shell of ice and
snow, and summing himself like lizard
on a June day in the floods of Pacific
Coast sunshine, deliberately sits and
deprecates California. 1t is to my bump
Of combativeness what the red rag is in
the Spanish arena.
He marches in with "fetch- -on-your-
rats" air, and his nose elevates at the
pride the people manifest in their State.
Nothing is quite as good as it is beyond
the Rockies. Thelfruits may be earlier,
but ah, they lack the flavor of those in
good old Yankeedom. While we are
being pelted and smothered in banks of
sweet blossoms, his people are hibernat-
ing in caverns of snow. But there is the
sleigh-riding, you know. Did you, come
TO think of 1t, ever talk five minutes
to an Eastern man that he didn't ex-
patiate five hours on sleigh rides? When
you have replied meekly that you never
saw enough ice to skate on, he towers
above you majestically, and in a princely
manner that makes you feel about as big
as a peanut, informs you that 'half your
life's gone"
have concluded that in order to make
my life a bowling success I will have to
skate on ice and sleigh ride once. 1
don't particularly want to do eye-ther,
but it is so embarrassing to have to ad-
NIT, time and again, that ] have had the
bad taste to live all these years without
participating in the heaven-chosen
pastime. At the time his sisters, cousins
and uncleS-ln-law are being cycloned
and frost-bitten he is basking in the
Rich breath of the garden,
Where the golden melons lie,
And the purple plums are turning
| All their red cheeks to the sky.
would not be harsh with this genus
man; he is our guest. But, verify, l would
rather-ah, how much rather-throw my
purple plums at him than 10 eat them
[ admire patriotism. 1 like to see him
uphold the advantages of his State and
prop up its weak points; but would like
to show him one pitiful object, that ap-
proaches within shouting distance of the
excellence of his home products.
If he got to heaven-and of course he
will, for the home of such perfection is
heaven-he will buttonhole grim ST.
Peter at the door, secure a night
key, and give Peter a few pointers on
how they kept door back East.'' He
would stop the chorus of the glorified
throng because his harp was out of tune.
L have quietly reasoned with myself in
the dead, still hours of the night, as to
whether if I were in the East I would
be obnoxiously enthusiastic about the
Golden West. / would uphold it with
the last fieeting breath that hickered in
my mortal clay; but were disgustingly
ardent, may the undertaken have mercy
upon me!
He comes to California and makes
more money in one week than he has
seen before in six years; but then prices
are SO high it takes so much to live. The
climate is SO changeable, and people here
don't know how to live, anyway.
Query: If the winds and sunbeams
and people and customs are so odious to
your delicate organization, why, in the
name of the great pewter pitcher, don't
you pack your household effects and
grievances in boX-car and roll back to
the land of perfection? We would weep
to see you turn your classical heels on us,
never, alas, to return more, but we would
not hang on to your coat-tails and beSeech
you to linger among us against your own
inclination. That would be heartless and
cruel. Can't make enough money to get
away? Half an excuse is better than
none, but that is not half a one. You can
watch your opportunity when the roads
are good and walk out, or you could steal
horses, or rob SluiceS, and thus expedite
your progress. Where there's a will
there's a way. And any jury of twelve
big-hearted Californians would acquit
you without q second thought in the law
less, uncivilized style you have ever
, credited them with. They could not see
you pining amid barbarouS scenes re-
moved from your own loved land of art
t and literature. 1t would be as heartless
) as the removal of bright-plumcd song
ster from his tropical forest home, voice
less, and languishing for his perfumed
bowers and silyer-tongued companions.
! If, in very truth, California is so distaste-
ful, 60 ye into dank, drear corner OF
your woodshed and there fling your cpl
| thets at the unsuffering posts and saw
bucks.
A man said once that there was "no
society in California" He was minis
ter Of the gospel. 1t was my misfortune
to witness the quantities of golden fruits
and succulent chicken pie with which
he fed the flame of his inspiration, and
sacrilegious as it was, wondered if he
missed the soul communion of his breth-
rem and sistern as long as plenty went
smiling through the land. A man who
cares more for a square meal than the
, salvation of a bunch of the rabble cannot
, talk TO me of lack of society in California
or even Timbuctoo. / have sat on a
dreamy Sabbath morning and watched
l and listened to his preaching. There
7 was prominent lack of spirituality and
a conspicuous presence of the material
When the deacon droned prayer and
, the amens came fervently floating to the
. center, as if by gravitation, it was safe tC
: assert the man in question had his mind
l on the dinner that was now next in order
All ministers cannot have the high bred
brow, the resigned, peaceful contenance
l the spiritual, uplifted eyes, bat where
the holy light shines from the face it in
2 spires more reverent thought in me than
where well-fed obesity voices the words