davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
HUMOROUS.

-Hicks-''You must not pull the
dogs tail, sonny. You know what be-
comes of bad boys, suppose?' Boy
"Oh, yes They gets to be Governors
out West"
"A Preventive Measure-MissP rude
fiddle, you ought to be ashamed to
NEEDLE with grandma's spectacles.
You'll have to wear them sometime"
Eddie-"Well, 1 guess not, il smash
'em.'-Jewelers' Weekly.
What did you break the window
for?' asked the Court. 81 didn't intend
to do it, Your Honor. Ask the police
man if did" mo, SIR corroborated
the officer; she was throwing the brick
at his wife."-Philadelphia Times.
-'How old are you?' asked a justice
of the peace of Jim Webster, who was
under arrest for stealing chickens. II
Dunno said the darby. "When were
you born?' What am de use OBJ me
tellin you bout my buff day; you amt
gwine to make me no buff-day present"
AT the Junior Ball. flor
the fifth time inlay I have Just one
more dance, Miss Slyder?" Miss Slyder
-"Yes; but this must be the last
. Freshleigh-'I hope you will excuse my
asking you so many times, but really
you are the only girl 1 know here
Columbia Spectator.
-Ebb and Flow.-Three successive
kilograms from a young man STAYING at
Monaco, to his anxious mamma, who
has sent him there for his health. "Seuu
me some money. Have lost my pocket
book" mo need of money. Have
found pocket-b book Send money.
Pocket-book found, but nothing in it. -
-Fliegende Batter.
Miss Summit (facetiously)-'T am
not going to NEEDLE with your affairs.
Mr.. Dashaway, but as was driving by
well-known pawnbroker's yesterday I
saw certain gentleman who, l must
confess, bore strong resemblance to
you" Dashaway-''.n indeed. Did you
see his face?" Miss Summit-'I am
afraid that did" Dashaway-"Then
it couldn't have been me. l had my
back turned. ''-Tit-Bit
-''Why do you live in the country
anyhow" asked New Yorker of a
suburban friend. "To save money"
''Is the cost of living less?" ''No.
Slightly higher" ''Then how do you
save?" "No opera, $50 a season. No
concerts, S25 season. No theaters,
$50 season. No big dinners to friends,
500 year. No fun of any kind, $500 a
year. ''Say"' said the city man, seized
with an inspiration, wouldn't you save
money if you died?''-N. Y. Sun.
In lesson in parsing the sentence,
''Man, counting capacity of bliss" etc.,
the word counting came to pert young
miss of fourteen to parse She com
menced hesitatingly, but got along well
enough until she was to tell what it
agreed with. Here she stopped short.
But as the teacher said: every well,
what does counting agree WITH" Ellen
blushed and hung down her head.
ELLEN, don't you know what that
agrees with?' "Ye-ye-yes, sir!'
"Well, Ellen, why don't you parse that
word? what does it agree with?''
Flushing still more, and stammering,
Ellen says: sit a-agrees with all the
| GirlS, SIR
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

dure! He said SO, and nothing made
him more angry than for some rudely
unsympathetic person to express a
doubt concerning his wretched condi-
ton. His troubles were not of a physic-
al nature; he could have endured any
thing of that sort and always worn
smiling face. He said his misery was
of mental character; still it made him
excited to tell him it was all in his
mind.
Had you met Beckenham Wythe on
the street, you would have seen at
glance that he was a miserable man.
He did not wear Grape, but he did wear
the most detected countenance ever
seen on human being. The pensive
look in his eyes denoted sorrow, the
dropping corners of his mouth denoted
melancholy, the downward twist of his
short, red mustache denoted woe, the
sharp point of his chin denoted a pierre
ing grief, the staggering cast of his thin
nose denoted shattered hopes, and the
wild disorder of his long hair gave him
an aspect of utter despair. Even about
his clothes there was an air of misery;
and still he was a tailor! He was al
ways followed by a most wretched-
looking dog, that sneaked along with
its head down and it's tail between its
legs, and seemed to be continually re-
gretful it was alive.
People carefully turned out for Mr..
Wythe upon the street and shivered as
he passed, or looked after him with sad
sympathy. People who We're laughing
stopped with remarkable suddenness
when their eyes fell upon him; children
avoided him, and-excepting his own
wretched cur-even the dogs SHE'D away
from him and growled. Whenever he
entered a pleasant room, he brought a
cloud with him that shut out the sun
shine, and it was little short of torture
to listen to the melancholy droning of
his voice. 1t was torture if one was
! forced to endure it great while.
Mr.. Wythe was stunned in the house
where he boarded, and Mrs. Spriggs,
the landlady, said she would not keep
him if he were not such remarkably
good pay, and did not stay in his room
so much when he was at the house. He
seldom spoke of any thing but his own
misery, and the most trivial things
added to the mountain of woe beneath
which he was buried.
Now, Beckenham Wythe was man
who had sOured on women as on every
thing else. 1t was little wonder, for
women are not usually attracted to
such woebegone beings as Mr.. Wythe,
and they were not apt to return smiling
glances for his sour ones. The women
and girls who worked for him in his
little shop usually had as little to say to
him as possible, and he repaid them by
only speaking to them in an unusually
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
TWO VIEWS OF DEATH.

AT 30.
II could wake some morning in the world,
And know that death were banished, almost,
then,
I'd wish death back, that might die Of joyl
Oh, but for this dark shadow, life were sweet!
Such largeness here of doing and Of being,
Such tender loves, such friendships deep and
true,
Such natural pleasure pure as skies Of June,
Such wholesome toll, and rest, and balm of
sleep.
But, like speck upon the glass; this death
Blots every prospect: and we dimly see
The universal shadow stealing on.
One morning nearer home! How sweet to
think
That Age and Death, gray pilgrims, face to
face
Are ever journeying on until they meetl
II should wake and know that Death were
dead,
How could longer bear LIES burden upf
But now calmly, gladly wait; for sure,
Ay, very sure, and kindly sure is Death. He
comes,
Gods latest, loveliest messenger to man.
Life, with his rosy bosom filled with flowers,
Goes laughing by, and scatters all his wealth {;
But Death brings one white lily, perfect, pure
And passing leaves 1t folded in our hands.
james Buckham. in N. Y Independent.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
LOOKS ARE DECEIvlNo,
Tho Man With the Heavenly Expression
Was a Butcher.

Thc Man Win the heavenly Expression
Was = Butcher.
A gentleman and his wife occupied q
seat in suburban train running into
Chicago few mornings ago. On the
opposite seat sat man of comm andin9
figure and brow and thoughtful express
sion.
What a fine countenancs, James,"
whispered the wife; II wish I knew his
occupation"
Maybe he's q lawyer" volunteered
the husband.
too much benevolence in his face for a
lawyer"
HE may be a banker, " was the hus-
bands second guess Us he endeavored
to suggest some occupation that would
agree with his wife's impression of the
stranger.
Never, never" she protested. "A
man with such heavenly expression
couldn't content himself with money
getting. His aim in life is higher than
that"
Maybe" said the husband as he be-
gan the perusal of the morning paper.
At the next street crossing where the
train stopped, an inquisitive, farmer
looking sort OF fellow took a seat be-
side the man with the noble expansive
brow and was soon plying him with
questions. Among other things he asked
him his vocation There was one inter
csteG listener who held her breath to
catch the reply.
Il keep a saloon and q meat shop.
My wife sells beer and do my own
butchering Chicago Herald
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
AGRICULTURAL HINTS.
THE COCKLE-BUR PEST.

An Article That Will Help You to Recog.
nize the Different Species.
Mr.. J. S. Matthews, Boone County,
Mo-, writes: 1.-THE cookie bur is a great
pest in this neighborhood. Some say it
has two seeds, one coming one year
and the other the next year We want
to know some way of getting rid of it. "
There are two clot-burs, or cookie
burs as they are sometimes called. We
append the botanical description of the
late DR.. Darlington, as follows:
Scrophulous Xanthium, clotr bur, cock
le-bur.
X. strun,arium,L, Leaves broad-ovate,
mostly somewhat three-lobed, dentate,
unarmed at base; involucre of the fruit
oval, with two straight beaks.
Stem one to three feet high, roughish-
pubescent, branching. Leaves three to
six inches in length, and nearly as wide
as long; subcordate at base, but cuneat-
ly produced at the union of the three
principal nerves. Heads of flowers in
axillary clusters. Involucre of the
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
if she had failed to be at her post by

the window.
The widow had pet cat that was
destined to add still greater misery to
Beckenham Wythe's life. One day his
dog pursued the cat till it ran up tree.
Instantly the widow appeared in the
greatest concern for the safety of her
pet. She rushed out at the door, crying
shrilly to the dog:
go way, sir, go way! Oh, he will
kill poor Pansy! Shoe! Go wayr'
She'picked up small stone and threw
it at the dog, but, with the usual accu-
racy of woman, she managed to hit
| Mr.. Wythe on the leg. Beckenh am was
not man given to profanity, SO he did
not swear, but he lifted up his foot and
said over something, while he hoped
about on the other foot. 1t was really
a comical sight, and it was little wonder
that the widow Uttered as she apollo
gized. But the injured man made no
reply. Calling his dog, he moved away
down the street, limping slightly, and
looking more miserabl and detected
than usual.
For several days after this, Becken-
ham did not glance toward the widows
cottage as he passed, but when he did
venture to steal a look toward it, he
found the widow at the window smiling
upon him as before. However, he fan
cied there was a regretful sadness about
her smile.
"She's not such very bad-looking
woman after ALL" he told himself. "In-
deed, the more l see of her the better
she looks. She has plump figure, for
all of that thin neck. She might make
good wife for some man, but man
with so many troubles as fall to my
wretched lot has no right to get mar
ried."
And for several days after arriving at
this decision, he was still more detected
than ever, if such thing were possible.
One day as he was passing the cot
tage, the widow came running round
the corner and caught him by the arm
in the greatest excitement.
''Oh, sir, do come quicl1!' she cried.
"She has fallen into the water and is
drowning! You must save her! Quick,
or it will be too later'
"Some one drowning?" exclaimed
Beckenham, the natural chivalry of his
nature aroused. Lead the way! l will
save her, or perish in the attempt.'
He followed the widow around the
cottage till they came to a hogshead,
half sunken in the ground, and used for
the purpose of catching rain-water to
use for washing purposes. The hogs
head was half full of water, and in the
water the widows pet kitten was
swimming round and round, vainly
seeking to escape.
Beckenham uttered an exclamation
of amazement and disgust.
SIS that what you want me to res
cue?" he demanded.
"Oh, yes, yes!' replied the widow,
clasping her hands in agony, and look
ing at him appealingly. Save her,
and will do any thing in my power to
repay you-any thing!'
He could not resist such an appeal as
that, so he hung himself over the side of
the hogshead and reached down for the
kitten. In some way he lost his balance
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

unpleasant manner-as if his customary
manner were not bad enough!
Next to Mr.. Wythe's clearinghouse
stood little white cottage which had
been purchased by widow. The
widow seemed to be an exception to
the usual run of women, for she sat at
the window and smiled at Beckenham as
he passed with his dog skulking along
at his heels. At first he paid no atten-
ton to it, but the widow persisted, and
he was obliged to notice her after a
time. But he thought she was making
sport of him, and he returned her
smiles with his most sour chances.
Still the widow was not daunted, for
she retained her position at the window
and continued to smile upon him.
"Homely old tning!' exclaimed Mr.
Wythe to himself. skinny neck and
corkscrew curls! Still she has re-
markably fine set of teeth, and she
shows them in a really bewitching
manner"
Poor, unsophisticated Bohemian!
He never thought to question the gen.
uineness of the widows particular
charm.
The widows courage was wonderful,
for during four long weeks she never
failed to be at the window day by day
! when Mr.. Wythe passed, and she con-
tinued to swap her smiles for his sour
looks 1t was not long before he found
| himself unable to pass the little white
cottage without looking for the widow,
and, although he did not know it, he
would have been terribly disappointed
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

and fell into the water head first. Then
the widow showed her heroism, for she
caught him by the heels and dragged
him out. He had seized the unfortun-
ate kitten, and chung to the nearly
drowned creature as he stood up and
gasped for breath, looking more miser-
able than ever before in all his life.
Finally he managed to gurgle:
"H-h-here Shore c-c-c-confounded
cat!''
She clasped the dripping kitten to
her breast, and thanked him again and
again so effusively, and expressed such
regret for what had happened, that his
anger disappeared, and he came nearer
smiling than he had for ten years
1t was about two weeks after this
that Mr.. Wythe acted so strangely that
his assistant cutter ventured to ask him
what the matter was. Bohemian
drew him aside and whispered in very
confidential manner, but loud enough
for every one in the shop to hear him,
that he was engaged to be married.
This proved thunderbolt for those
who knew him, and they wondered who
~ Coulo UC lac was SOluS W iidIIy DuI
he made no bones of telling she was a
widow, and a very plump and handsome
one at that. For all of the happy pros
pect, Bohemian did not lose his air of
melancholy. although his appearance
of detection seemed to pass away in a
measure.
At length the wedding occurred, but
the very next morning after the event
Beckenham appeared at the shop, look
ing ten-fold more miserable and
wretched than ever before in all his
life. When his cutter asked him the
cause of the sudden and unexpected
change, he confded to him that his
''plump and handsome wife had liter
! ally taken herself all to pieces" from
her false teeth and hair, to the pad
ding that gave her the plump appear
ance. The shock had quite unnerved
him, and he was tortured by the sus-
picion that she had thrown the kitten
into the hogshead of water for the ex-
press purpose of tolling him into her
| clever matrimonial trap, which she had
baited with smiles
He is happy again." said the cutter,
aside, ''for he has now acquired a gen
uine misery that will be continually
with im."-Yankee Blade.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
IMPROVED TROWEL.

How to Make Common Garden Tool
Dou6ly Effective.
Sometimes a slight change in the
form of an implement or tool will make
it more convenient and better adapted
to the work for which it was intended.
This is very prominently proven by
simply grinding or filing away the end
of common garden trowcl. All who
have had experience in that line know
how extremely difficult it is to cut off
with the common garden trowel a weed
that has strong taproot. BY using a
trowel modified as shown in the engrav-
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
THEY ALL HAD PAPERS,
An Amusing Episode Of Strest'CsS TIa,
81 In the Capital City.

An Amusing Episode Of etrest'C Tlsv.
81 In the Capital City.
A Warrington gentleman relates the
following streetrcar episode witnessed
recently:
II boarded . north-bound cable car
down in the heart of the city about
dusk, and, as usual, there were no seats
left. took q position near the rear
door. At tho next corner two young
women got In. They were bright look
Ing, and one was particularly pre-
possessing in appearance, but she seam
I'd very tired-from having operated =
typewriter all day long perhaps.
Every man seated in that car save two
were snugly ensconsed behind his even
ing newspaper. The two without
newspapers were each huddled up like
> ball, almost, and had their hats pull
cd down over their eyes and pretended
to be asleep.
"A small newsboy squeezed himself
through the crowd on the platform and
cried out his evening papers with poor
success On his way out he was stopped
by one Of the young womcn-the pre-
possessing one. Her face lighted up as
by some bright idea. She whispered
something hurriedly to her friend.
"Im dare you to do it," replied ahe
latter.
"'All right; I'm not afraid. Here,
boy, give me two papers. Give me the
largest and never mind the change she
said eagerly.
Then, in a perfectly self-possessed
md matter-of-fact manner she walked
to the center of the car, where sat the
two individuals with the SLOUGH hats
She took the papers with her, and her
movements were followed by the eyes
Of most every one in the car.
"'Here, gentlemen, please have pa
per- said she, thrusting one Of the
sheets toward each of these men. For
it is too bad that Of all this carload you
should be the only ones without any
thing to engage your attention.
And the two men, at first not COM
pretending the situation, took the prof
fered papers, but the laugh of the 9th
ers who had witnessed the performance
brought them to their senses. They
turned red, and soon found it conven-
lent to ride the rest of the way on
the front platform. A number of
men who had enjoyed the other fellows
discontinue, and admiring the woman's
nerve, rendered her and her friends
seats. Both, however, declined with
thanks, saying that under the circum-
stances they were well satisfied to
stand. "-Washington Post.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

Anxious Caller-Is this the police sta
ton?
Chief-Yes, ma'am. What can I do
for you?
81 have lost some valuable jewelry.
1 suspect former servant of having
taken it. want to employ detective
to find her whereabouts"
'All right, ma'am. Your name?
II am Mime. de Wise, the-er-fort-
une-teller. 49, Chicago Tribune,
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

Observation-Disclosures, of course you
know of Haliburton; come, l want to
introduce you.
Harrington-Excuse me, 1 have no use
for that fellow.
Osborne-Why,w what have you against
him.
Harrington - Well, old fellow, of
course you didn't know; but, you see,
he Tilted my wife once.-Harper's Bazaar.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
HANDY HOG HOLDER.

confined in close pen, so that the one
who handles the holder can walk up
behind them and reach over and slip
the larger stirrup-shaped end over the
snout and into the mouth. The hog
will back up and the operator standing
in front can very easily hold any hog
perfectly still. 1t is easily adjusted,
easily taken out, and when in use gives
u leverage upon the upper jaw which
secures perfect control of the animal in
ringing. -Orange Judd Farmer.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
August
Flower

How does he feel Pie feels
cranky, and is constantly expert
menting, dieting himself, adopting
strange notions, and changing the
cooking, the dishes, the hours, and
manner of his eating-August
Flower the Remedy.
How does he feel?-He feels at
times gnawing, voracious, insati-
able appetite, wholly unaccountable,
unnatural aid NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
Flower the Remedy.
How does he feel Pie feels no
desire to go to the table and a
grunbling, fault-hnding, over-nice-
ty about what is set before him when
he is there-August Flower the
Remedy.
How does he feel Pie feels
after spell Of this abnormal appe-
tite an utter adherence, loathing,
and detestation of food as if a
mouthful would kill him-August
Flower the Remedy.
How does he feel?--He has ir-
regular bowels and peculiar stools
August Flower the Remedy. @
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
BECKENHAM WYTHE.
The Melancholy Story of a Very
Miserable Man.

E C. X E n Fl A NJ
WY1'HE was a
miserable man.
1t was his free
ly e xpre S S e d
opinion that he
was the most
miserable man
on the face of
the earth since
the days of old
Job. Not that
he was troubled
with boils, or
any t h i n G of
that sort. Boils
w o u | d have
been blessings
to what he was
Ob1iUed to en-
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
RELIGIOUS AND EDUCATIONAL

-Parsee girls are crowding in a. can
didates for entrance examinations ct
Bombay University.
The printing press which Voltairs
set up in Fernay to demolish Christiant-
ty il now used to print Bibles in &C.
neva.
On Lake Nyassa the Scottish Free
Church has, at Bandawe, one thousand
one hundred and eighty pupils and
thirty-eight native teachers in it,
schools.
Tho latest report Of the Illinois
Superintendent of Education brings on
the fact that there are still in that
State one hundred and fourteen log
school-houses.
Two hundred thousand dollars q
year are spent by the London school
board in forcing the attendance of chill
dren. They are advised to try the French
plan of getting children to school by
good lunches.
The Young Mems Christian Associa-
ton of Chicago is to erect magnificent
building at cost of 81, 400, 900. The
building will have fourteen stories,
three of which will be devoted en-
tirely to the work of the association.
John Robb, of Kingston, suggests
to the Ontario Minister of Education
that all public school children of Canada
should wear outer garments of the same
material, thus securing uniformity, and
checking the disparity between the rich
and the poor.
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
How to Treat Seed Potatoes.

Perhaps there would be no harm done
If should tell you how 1 would treat
barrel of potatoes w orth So per
pound. First, l would pack them in
half bushel fat boxes, and place them
in the coolest part of my cellar, airing
them every three or four weeks and ex-
aiming them. About the first of
March, as soon as sprouting begins, I
would spread out in even layers and ex-
pose them to light. Last of March OF
first of April l would divide them into
halves and plant in cold frame, cover
ing about two inches. Then as they
grew and rooted, would pull the slips
and plant them in thoroughly pre-
pared soil, the same as sweet potatoes.
treated the early rose in that way
when first introduced, most successful
ly. There were no small tubers.-Cor.
American Cultivation
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05

VOLUMES have been written against
the dog, but it must be concluded that
the dog is here to stay. Then raise the
dog tax and pay for the loss of sheep
killed by the dogs properly and well. 1t
is noEody's business, we suppose, if the
community chooses to feed dogs OF
mutton if the community is willing tc
pay for it. The trouble has beer, that
it has not been willing to do thsk
The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1891-03-05
IMPROVED TROWEL.

ing, the work is readily accomplished.
Grind down until it is three-quarters of
an inch from point to point, leaving the
edge concave. 1t is plain that in press
ing into the soil any root coming in
contact with the trowel between the
two points is readily severed. This
does not in the least detract from the
common use of the implement, but
greatly adds to it's usefulness. Should
the concave surface be kept sharp it
will prove more effective in every way.
American Apriculturist.