The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-05-07
WITTY AND HUMOROUS.
GEMSOF HUMOR FROM VARIOUS
SOURCES.
A Mean Man--A Kentucky Break
fast-- He Was the Man--It Work.
ed Both Ways--A Tender
4 Conscience.
A Mean Man.

A Mean Man.
Now, gentleman" said the man
with the checked suit on, as he briskly
entered the waiting-room, where more
than twenty OF us were sitting, "Ihave
no time for foolishness. Life is short,
and the man who expects to get there
must hustle. don't have much too
say, but what do say is straight up
and down and good as the late
Thomas Jefferson's affidavit. I have
here a liquid compound OF my own
discovery. It is called THE Fraud
Detector,' and can be relied on every
day in the week. Sunday included.
One drop placed on a bogus diamond,
a filled watch-case, or roll-plate pin
Immediately exposes the cheat and
| protects you from imposition. Who
takes the first bottle at twenty-five
cents?" are. ..."
No one spoke, while every one SEEM
ed to hold his breath, and after look
ing over the crowd the fakir continued:
"You've been swindled and imposed
upon, and you hesitate to buy good
thing. There are at least fifteen
watches and half a dozen so-called
diamonds in this crowd. Who'll be
the first to pass us a watch, pin, or
ring and let me test it?"
Not a leaf stirred, and two-thirds Of
the crowd actually turned pale.
|'I'm waiting," remarked the man,
as he stood before us.
Everybody looked at the opposite
wall, and everybody wished he had
that chap out in the woods for about
three minutes,
ooh, WE'LL" he continued, if you are
all built that way of course [ can't
expect to make any sales here. |
thought there might be one or two Of
you with some straight jewelry, but
as there isn't and as I don't want to
squeeze you too closely, I'll pass
on"
It was great relief to everybody
when he walked out, and the nxet five
minutes were spent in sly chances at
coach other; BY and by got up and
walked out, stared at by all the
others. found the agent outside on
a box Laughing until he could hardly
sit up.
"What kind OF guy is that?"
asked.
"Best i'm the world. That's simply
a little cold coffee in the bottle, but it
never fails to work. Try it from
Maine to California and it always
scares crowd to death. Lands but
the whole convention of you turned
winter than snow-ha! ha! ha!'
And the MANTLE Internal wretch
of a MANTLE hyena in human form
went off into such a fit of laughter
that he fell off the box and rolled
against a crate of cucumbers on their
4 way totan early inarket.-N. 7. Sun.
A Kentucky Breakfast.
Never before had Chef Philips, OF
che Auditorium hotel in Chicago, been
nonplused when asked to prepare a
meal. From a. cold lunch to a
Lucullian banquet he had been at
home. And the details of every con.
ceivable dish he had imagined he pos.
sessed at his fingers ends. But when
on the morning following the arrival
of Henry Watterson, the bell-boy
appeared before the chef and told
him that Mr.. Watterson wanted a
Kentucky breakfast the chef was con.
fronted with his Waterloo.
"Wbat's that!' he exclaimed.
"a Kentucky breakfast" the bell
boy replied. =.
Not wishing co confess his Ignorance
to the bell-boy the chef waved him
aside and went himself to the editors
l room.
"Beg pardon, Mr.. Watterson," hi
said, as in response. to "come in,
he entered and found the journalist il
/ bed, "but fear the bell boy did not
t quite Understand your order. H,
9 said you wanted a Kentucky break
fast" L.
"Well, that is just what want,
S said the journalist, adding a little i'm
e patiently, land want it right away.
f. "What is a Kentucky breakfast, sir?'
Mr.. Watterson gazed pityingly a
: the chef, then, settling down in bed, h
y pulled the clothes over his head ant
/ replied.
b 1.-TWO drinks of whiskey and a che,
i Of tobacco. New York Sun. "
I He Was the Man.
. AS a peddler Of rugs was passing
n house on Joy street a woman opene
n the door and called to him:
y g You man, there-say."
II Il He halted and looked at her an
: saw the grim determination in he
X eye.
3, "Ain't you the same young felle
e that sold me a rug las spring.
d He was, but something in her voic
is made him forget to tell the truth.
l. 'No'm, this is q new root for me
e That mus have been soapy jim. He
a out Of the bis mess now"
a II reckoned it was you, !" persiste
It the woman; think a spell. 1t was
red and yaller rug with green border
and paid for it once q week for tw
i = ) - IL