The Globe-republican., 1891-05-06
Da. mAenesIlel)s alenesneA1n


fhe Glohe . Republics 0hysBeBao
Gives C0acAse Deses1pssoa - tha
Ailnemss or the several p01lstsos
Parties.
In every alliance organ and the col
umns of every democratic sheet you may
find the statement that the republican
party is dead. Who killed it or from
what malady it succuinbed, while in the
days of its youth, is not given. But In
making diagnosis of the different all
ments of the political parties. We find
that the republican party was started
with good constitution, inherited no
disease. and has in all ways lived in q
temperate and industrious manner. We
find no infirmities, no malignant dis
eases. There is one long deep scar and
some abrasions of the cuticle, the scar
evidently made between . or 30 years
ago, and is entirely healed. 1t shows
evidences of periodical insomnia, which
attacks have lasted few months, Ie-
turning every four years. Its bones are
firm aud strong, the muscles compact
and enduring; the blood is flowing Wig
orously through healthy veins and shows
evidences Of having been purified by
purging from q dose of alliance bitters.
There is no trace Of malaria In its system
hence it is not troubled with the shakes.
Its heart is pure and healthy and its SYM
pathetic throbbing can be heard through
out the world. Its brain is active and
sound. The eyes are keen and bright
and no enemy to the public good Is likely
to escape them. There seems to be some
slight catarrhal trouble, probably caused
by the bad odor of the other parties with
which it must sometimes mingle. The
best life insurance companies are willing
to insure it for l,OOl years Chat being
their limit) of prosperous life.
ftt
The trouble with the democratic party
seems to be constitutional, or at least of
long standing, and has been called by
various names, softening of the brain,
alcoholism. and OssificatiOn of the heart.
It also seems disposed to harmless form
of kleptomania, or stealing of discarded
ideas, which it attempts to draft into the
laws and constitution of the government.
AS party it has not sufficient backbone
to warrant CHASING it among the verte-
brates. neither is it pliable enough to be
classed among the mOlusks, hence a cor
rect diagnosis of its diseases is quite diff
ficult, but the general opinion of the med
ical fraternity is that it has been foun-
dered upon diet of diseased ideas and
purified theories. Instead of a brain it
has a system of ganglionic nerve centers
which control its muscular movements,
which are largely involuntary. 1t can
never be restored to health in this world,
and like the mule, has neither pride in
its ancestry nor hope of pOsterity, nor
can it enter the kingdom of heaven.
ttt
The alliance party has not lived long
enough to acquire much strength nor
contract many diseases. 1t is strange |
animal, being cross between incOnsis-
tency and stubborn crankyism. Many |
doctors, however, claim that
its strange appearance and half finished
manner of doing whatever it attempts is |
owing to the fact of its immature birth. |
Its worst trouble is feeling of despon-
dency that seems likely to end in a sui
cidal mania,as many of its acts have been
an attempt at self strangulation. 1t is
very ambitious and will do nothing in a |
regular manner. If it were willing to |
take homeopathic doses of medicine, as
becometh an infant, there would be hopes |
Of permanent cure. One great trouble
is that its nurses have been changed so
often as to spoil its temper and which
accounts for its ''Peff(pp)er(y)" nature.
It will not have long lease" of life as 1t
is afflicted with the prairie "Diggs;" its
during the fall weather
caused it to take a severe cold on account |
Of the great ''Snow." and although its
'Elder(s)" should have taught it better,
It fled to the ''Wood(s)" for treatment,
which is most likely to prove fatal. as
MS system is the old fashioned bleeding,
and he has punctured it in many places
with ''Bot(d)kin.' Should there be
any change in the condition Of any of
The parties, it will be announced in a
future bulletin.
Yours truly,
n DIAGNOsTICUs, NJ. ID.
MVSSvSSvpDU he itS noxv constitution