Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-08-20

SATISFACTORY INVESTIGATION.
First Statesman-"How is the of1icia
investigation into those Doodle charges
coming on?"
Second Statesman-"Splendidly ,splen-
didly. We've succeeded in not finding
out thing"
NOT so SLOW.
New Yorker-Been over to Philadel-
phia, eh? Philadelphia is slow old
town.
Chicago Man (indignantly)-Not
much it amt. It's got city Treasurer
that stole bout million New York
Weekly.
BOTH STAGGERED.
"The consumption of intoxicating
liquor in this country staggers me- ex-
claimed a temperance orator from the
platform.
"Me, too, gurgled man at the rear of
the hall trying to hold himself up by the
plastering. = Detroit Free Press.
woMAN's INAUMAHITY TO WOMAN.
Clara-I shouldn't think you'd hang
that ball dress of yours against the wall
Maude-Why not?
Clara-Because its there enough when
you have it on.
NOTICED 1T oUIvER.
Visitor-The wind seems to shake
that scarecrow over there little. I've
noticed it quiver two or three times.
Mr.. Suburb-That isn't scarecrow.
That's the hired man working for forty
dollars month and board.-lGood
News,
NO CRUELTY IN SPEED.
Lady lat horsc-race)-Don't you
think it is cruel to race horses that way
this hot weather.
Horseman-Race 'em how, mum?
Making them go so fast"
"Why, mum, the faster they go the
quicker they get through"
LOADED.
Hicks-Bumbly has moved out of town.
hasn't he?
Wicks-No; what made you think soG
Hicks-Why, the boys were saying
that he went home loaded every night.
So | supposed he must have moved out
of town. These suburbans, you know
all make express wagons of themselves.
Wicks-Yes, but Bumbly only makes
a distillery of himself Boston Tran
script.
| THE COMING GOULD.
Office Boy-Beg pardon, sir, but l wa.
awful sorry to see the way Mrs. Jink'
went fer you this mornin'. 1t was ham
mer an tongues, wasn't it?
Mr.. Jinks (head of the firm )-Grea
snakesl Is it all over town?
Office Boy-Oh, no, sir. No one know!
it but me.
Mr.. Jinks-Here's dollar to go to tn,
baseball game. Take day off and en-
! Joy yourself, but not word about me ant
Mrs. j., you know.
Office Boy-All right, sir. You XII
trust me.
Under Clerk Ia few moments after)-
Say, Smikesy, how did you know ther
, was row in the old mans family thi
/ morning?
Office Boy-By the way he was rippir
an rarin' round at u.s. Good News.
MORE LIKE IT.
+ Old Soaker-Pve got terrible eric
} in my neck.
Barkeeper (watching the four finger
: disappear)-I lowed it was river.
SPECIAL NEED OF PHOSPHORUS.
"What! None of the roast, Bessie?"
"No, papa" replied the little Bosto
l two-year-old, thoughtfully. ga littl
more fish instead, please. | am readin
Sir Edwin Arnold to-day. ."-[Chicag
Tribune.
PROOF OF LOVE.
"She was so devotedly attached to he
first husband that she would not permi
any one to prepare his meals. She alway
did that herself. He died of dyspepsia.
"Indeed?"
eyes; but it is believed that she love
the second husband better than her frst
"Why is it so believed?"
"She doesn't do any cooking at al
now"
CURE FOR VANITY.
Jinkers-That man is the most insuffer
able lump of conceit that ever trod tn,
earth. | wish he could be elected Presi
dent of the United States.
Winkers-You do? Why?
Jinkers-The newspapers would make
him sick of himself.