St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-11-15
A PROBLEM FOR KELLEY.

| .
Several days since / received visit from
| QuntiliuS Quay Quagmire. He said he de-
sired TO MAKE my acquaintance, apologize for
/ the stringent allterative qualities of his
name for which he must be held entirely
blameless and consult me upon some other
things. l begged Mr. Quagmire to take a
chair. which he consented to do. carried il
| across the room and planted it in immediate
| JnXtaposition to my antique oak revolving
| desk, lnlald with mother of pearl and father
| of all liars Laying aside his hat, Mr.. Quag-
| mire proceeded to talk through his rank.
| Pefferian whiskerS in a tone which had a
strong 4Eolian twang, mingled with hoarse
| cultural cackles indicative of one or two
| season cracks in his larynx Mr.. Quagmire
| said
Il have made bold to disturb You this
morning on the advice of a personal friend
who said you were interested IN the Kelley
cure for ail-around druukards, opium fiends,
Glove eaters, pie biterS, theatrical gum chew
ers ana other victims of sedeutary pursuits
Am correct or do L err severelv:''
No, i said you have received passablv
good steer from your personal friend, who
ever he may be- l am cullin a few statistics
regarding the Kelley curer, partly for my
own benefit, and partly fer the benefit of a
few intimate friends who are expecting to
wear straw hats through the winter of 1891 90
| These statistics shall publish in the news
papers from day to day with scare heads
Excuse me, but are youa chronic inebriate?''
Il am reformed drunkard
All One of the new-laid Kelley patients.
wis
Sir; have not touched drop of LIQUOR
for twenty-Dine years. Previous to that 1
was holy terror
We'll, really, your reformation appears to
date back to the time of Martin Luther. Per
haps Martin, being an expert reformer, gave
you some inside figures on reform which you
have utilized. Do you think you can hold
out faithfully to the end:'
81 am afraid So"
Afraid, How old are your"
Forty -eght years, You see it is this way:
am forty-eight years of age during five of
which, from the time l yrs fourteen until
was nineteen, | was an inebriate. At that age
l reformed, and-I haven't done anything
since That's just what's troubling me, and
it's what dropped in to see you about
Were you at that early age periodical
drunkardg'
No do not think so. should say was
more OF methodical drunkard. At the age
of fourteen l enc day absorbed a large guam
tity of rum, to which l added from time to
time sufficient to keep up 4 reasonable jag at
merely nominal cost above the original
outlay. When | was nineteen a frieI d.
think it was rich bachelor uncle who want.
ed TO make his will in my favor, took me
aside and told me my conduct would never
do in the world. lie said would never get
en- in the liquid course | appeared to have
mapped out for myself on tie chart of life,
and that must reform, stop drinking, and
accept the blessings of heaven that would
inevitably fall to my share Acting upon
this suggestion, | made a brace, reformed,
Stunned the flowing bowl with all the as
siduity with which a kink haired tramp
shuns woodpiie and in three years my
uncle went down to dfunkard's grave, and
left all his property to found a public library
in a town where thr=e-fourthS of the popu-
laliOn couldn't read Signboar1S l considered
that tough: three years gone 10 waste aud no
rum.
But you continued steadfast TO your reso-
buttons =
Yes. Sir, did. had a fair Job in q rail
way Office before | renowned LIQUOR, but
somehow after quit absorbing became dill
atory inert, languid, with strong symptoms
of fiabby lassitudilv that was obnoxious to
the heads or Departments. and one Christmas
morning WOKE up and found my discharge
i'll my stocking. Then got married, and we
went to live with my wIfe's relatives
| was Il great favorite among old peo-
pie at that time, because could shun the
flowing bowl without a shiver But nv
wife's folks want me to go away now. and
that's another thing | came in TO see You
about
DO you insnuate that you expect to get
on in this world without work-without en-
-, E. l.,
idea -
That's the idea imbibed when quit i'm
bibing rum. | was told that all had to do
to make fortune was to stand sround and
keep sober. Now I've done that for twenty
nine years. aud it's getting monotonous.
Other men who were boys with Ue have gone
right or drinking. GmaSsed fortunes had a
good time. and passed away over the range
leaving their folks well fixed. They had all
the fun and hustle and rustic of life. while
I've had TO refrain from rum and remain
poor and stationary. Now. what would you
advise a man to do in case like thats"
MY friend | said, huskily. your ex-
perience is n peculiar QUE 1t is difficult to
impart advice to you as freely as [ could to
some others to whom Fortune has not catered
III quite Sc eccentric manner. l might say
this. however, in as delicate manner as
man who should have kept right on
drinking. Temperance reform reaches
out after the brains, the talent,
the enterprise, the genius of this
world Ii seeks to aid the man who has wit
enough when sober 10 help himself. and do
for himself and family. True temperance
refOrIners are not on the lookout for human
polyps. for animated sponges like yourself
men who actually don't know enou IN TO dig
dandelion green's with case knife. / saw
dead man i'll surgical clinic the other day.
The students had removed both lobes of his
brain. but the corpse knew enough to keep
still about il and not go around town, as you
do, advertising the fact that ne was brainiess
You'd better go TO drinking Almost any
change in your habits would be 10 your ben
| eft. But if you should conclude to relapse
to your old ways of life, don't go TO see Dr.
Kelley. Your reformation wouldn't pay for
the bichioride of gold and wear aud tear of
the hypodermic syringe. Good day. Go to
| the right for the elevator. II the car isn't
up, drop right down the shaft; it can't hurt
Z