Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-09-12
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Plant of a Soldier Who Had to Meet
Odds and Ends of Doctors.
WAITED FOR TWO YEARS ON A LEG
he Did Not Think Hobbling Agreed With
Him for Steady Job.
THE MAN WHO BROKE THE REBELLION

slOnS think there Is TOO much OF tRe CIR
cumlocution office management in the pen
sion department, and they express them
selves somewhat in effect like the following
| picked up in the Office of the department. il
feeling if not in the same style of grammar
and phraseology:
REDWOOD, PA.
| Mr.. Black. Commissioner:
DEAR SIR-I've just got another one o
your postel cards tellin' me to go before the
doctors an be examined. I've been gettin
| these cards bout every new moon sence
piled for an increase in my pension two
years ago. I've been an punched in the
ribs an sounded in the lungs, an made tc
bend over the back of chare an perform
| oil sorts of monkey shines, till I feel as
order hev a salary with an agent to go ahed
an stick up bills
To begin with, you sent me to couple oi
doctors up to Cow creek an it took 'em hall
an hour to find out that the reason why they
couldn't find any circulation in my left leg
was because it was made of wood. The
next time you sent me to a little cuss with
glasses, down to Swampville, an after
fumblin' me over long enough, he put my
truss on hindside afore an said the pad was
intended to brace up my spinal colum.
Three or four times after that you sent me
afore odds an ends of doctors who couldn't
tell the differents atween an epileptic SIM
tom an a billed clam; an the last time ven
sent me afore full board of surgins down
to the county seat an everything they done
was to feel and pound me until was sore.
They come to the conclusion, nigh as
could catch on, that somethin' was rong
with my epluribusunem, which ez after
wards found out was a hifalutin
name the quacks have for common
plurisy. Perhaps this is all right. 1t may
be fun for the doctors. 1t was fun for me
awhile, but now that you order me back
again to the fust two doctors up to Cow
Creek an probably expect me to start on
the same old circus agin, I'm agoin' to kick
like brindle steer
SORRY HE DIDN'T LOSE BOTH LEGS.
Last summer on count of the friskiness
of pair of colts, my wooden leg got tan
gled up an all chewed to f1inters in now
in machine. piled to the Surgin General
for new leg, but he sed I'd only had the
old one three years an I'd have ter wait
two years more afore the Government could
afford to make hole in the surplis by get
tin me new one So I'm, an in all this
interestin' panorama of examinations"
I've been hobbin' on one leg an doin' my
best to prove that one of Uncle Sans vet
erins, with one leg in the grave, and the
other mighty near it, is better than corps
BY several per cent. But hobblin' roun' in
this way amt fust-class fun fur a steddy
job. I've stood it good while an 'spose,
furnish lots of fun for the doctors payin'
my own expenses. Meanwhile my natural
leg. the one drought away safe from the
Wilderness, hez took to the rheumatic till
I'm almost sorry didn't drop it when I
did the tother one. Bout the only help my
well leg kin give me now is to serve as
sort of rudder when I'm a slidin down
stares on the end of my spinal column
Now, Mr.. Commissioner, bout this mat
ter of increasin' my pension, you may do as
you cussed pleas If you think that losin'
one leg at the Wilderness in '64 blotted out
the record of bullet through the body at
Antetam in '62, an if you think the PEN
sion I've been gettin' is full paw for a
set of busted insides that haint been in
runnin' order in more'n 20 years and never
will be this side of new Jerusalem, all right
pardner.
But I'm egoin' to tell you Just atween us,
that when that minnie bullet went clean
through me at Antetam, it plaid the mis-
chief with some important part of my in
wards an plaid it fur keeps. 1t cut some
thin all to thunder, 1 don't know whether
it was my liver or my lungs, or my gizzard,
an your pet doctors don't seem to know as
much bout it ez 1 do.
BOUND TO "BUsr" THE REBELLION.
The plane fact is that's what I'm drivin'
at. I'm fiziekelly broke up an bustid from
nv single heel to my chin whiskers, an I
got bustid at Antetam afore my leg was
lost, and the record sez SO. They wanted
to discharge me fur that first bullet hole
thru my body at Antetam an L wouldn't
let 'em, Iwuz bouh' to stick till we busted
the rebellion or the rebbles busted me with
more than one bullet hole thru my carcas,
an did. An now you've made me do so
mutch marchin' from pillar to post in this
hide and seek game with the doctors ez
would hev took me from the wilderness to
the end of the war; If wasn't good enuf
to march then I'm id if I'll do emmy more
of it now, so you needn't pay emmy more
doctors charges fur me- You've actully
been payin' the doctors on an averige bout
an that's more'n you'd had to pay me if
you'd granted my increase at fust site.
You yukered me on my gittin' a sent of that
96 dollars an now I'm goin' to yuker the
cussed doctors on gittin' emmy more of it.
If 1 go before emmy more doctors fur exami-
nation, you've got to do somethin' moren
send me postal card. You'll hey to hall
me before 'em with derrick.
Now, don't want to be sassy. 1 amt
bilt that way. But, Mr.. Black, if you e1-
pect to blossim out as Vice President of
these United States by buckin' agin the
onest clame of an old veteran with one foot
actually in the grave and the uther darn
neer it, your gittin down more hay than
you'll hev time to cock up. You'll make
bout as much at that game as the surgin
General will by vetoin' wooden legs
Respectfully, yours with Internal good