The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1891-12-27
MARSHALL WILDER'SCHAT
STORIES NEW AND OLD BUT ALL
WELL TOLD.
The Little Humorist's Weekly Contribu-
tion to the Budget of Fun-A Personal
Reminiscence-A A Toast for New
Year.

Correspondence of THE SUNDAY HERALD.
New YORK, Dec. 26.-Mr. Depew told
good story the other day of the late Horace
Greeley. Mr.. Greeley used to hold his head
down over his desk and was very impatient of
being disturbed while he was writing. One
day man came in and said, ''Mr. Greeley.n
The veteran editor paid no attention, aHd the
man concluded to go on with his message.
"Mr. Greeley" he said, tive want your sub
scription of $500 in furtherance of plan to
prevent men from going to hell" Without
looking up Mr.. Greeley replied: won't
give cent toward 1t; there amt enough
people there now.''
Apropos Of this, somebody once asked
Colonel Bob Ingersoll if he was going to
abolish hell. eyes," he said. 'Well, you
can't do it." "Well," he retorted, 'sIf
don't, you'll be sorry didn't"
Talking of hell reminds me of several
anecdotes 1 lately heard about certain COM
plications of married life. One gentleman,
whose mother in-law was in the habit of visit
ing him very often, was discovered by her
one day in q very blue frame of mind. The
mother-in-law said, ''What's the matter,
John?" He said, 81 was just thinking you
"Because you never go away"
1t is a hard thing nowadays for widows and
widowers to marry. Complications often
arise. Suppose they both have children by
their former marriage and then more children
come. A state Of things is very apt to super
vene like what l heard the other day of
widow and widower who had married again
and are living very happily together, but
their children not infrequently cause trouble
They have altogether about ten. One day
the wife called the husband to the door and
said: "Charlie, come here quick" sWhat
is it?' he said excitedly. "Just look here,' she
said, "theres your children and my children
fighting with our Children A remark once
made by woman in reference to a man who
had married twice was 'tHe didn't deserve to
lose his first Wife"
Do you want to know how to make ladies
sit down in front of you at a theatre or other
public performance at an important part of
the proceedings? All you have to do is to
say, "Will the beautiful lady standing in
front ples Sc sit down ?" Generally about
twenty-eight will sit down quick.
Sometimes my audiences out West are sur
prised at the small size of the lecturer and
sometimes | must confess that the lecturer is
surprised at the small size of the audience.
In those cases L am always glad If it rains,
for then can make use of that incident to
excuse the smallness of the house.
heard the other day of an entertainer who
had but one man in the audience. He went
on with his lecture, without noticing, ap-
parently, the small Size of his audience.
Finally he took out his watch and said, 81
shall conclude in a few minutes" whereupon
the audience said, 81 don't care how soon
you're through, for I'm the cabman who
brought you here"
find, generally, that the masses OF the
people, wherever you find them, are anxious
to be kind to little folks. / saw an incident
of it the other day just before great match
game Of ball at which about ten thousand
people were present. Crane the great pitcher
and athlete, before the game commenced,
was pitching the ball to the little ''mascot,"
hardly six years old, who accompanied the
team. The crowd looked ON and every time
the little fellow made a good hit they ap-
plauded him and cheered him just as though
he had been a professional. 1t was small
thing but 1t showed the kindness of heart on
the part of the people and have noticed 1t In
Even ''toughs'' are kind-hearted when you
strike them right. A certain doctor, living
in East FiftY-third street was called to see a
patient late at night. At lone some spot he
was SHIELD up'' by two men who demanded
his watch and money. "Boys," he said, ''put
down your pistols l have only watch and
a two-dollar bill in my pocket. Let me rea-
son with you. L have been called out from
a warm bed, to the bedside of a poor girl.
Look in my bag and see my DOCTORS imple-
ments They will show you that what | say is
true. l will go to the corner and treat you
with two dollars, if you will let me keep my
watch and go to the sick girl afterward.
NO." said one of them. "You go to the
girl and make your call and we will take the
treat afterward." The doctor went on, and
returned as he agreed, treated the men, and
saved his watch. This is true story.
WHAT'S the difference between dude and
pin? One has a big head and gets stuck on
himself, and the other doesn't.
The other evening Colonel Ingersoll was
dining at the Lambs Club and Steele Mack
aye, who was in the chair had occasion to
introduce him. "Ot course, we all know"