The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1891-03-27
WIT AND HUMoR.

chfson Globe.
Charity Il obliged 10 begin al home
when no one will start II abroad. Mem
Oritans Pfcdynre.
Money talks" IL is said But about
holiday time It goes without saying.
Yonkers Statesman.
Water Is the emblem of truth. but
the soap men always use 1t In making
a lye.-BinghaDitos Leader.
Two Of the hardest things TO keep In
this life are a new diary and sharp
lead-pencil. -Rorristoten Herald.
There will be both Ketcham and
Cheatham ia the next Congress, just
as there are in this one Boston Herald.
The average wife hates to ask her
husband for money. and In most cases
he hates to have hers S-nleyritie Jour
nal.
II Is not wise 10 say everything you
know. but how can some people help
1t II they say anything at all?-SoDier-
rilfe journal
TIE man who insists that doctor bills
are robbery might modify llis language
aud refer to them as pillage- Wash
fngthn Post.
Du never Qultt HOW
mean other people are until you begin
to compare them with yourselE-Mfi-
tCaukee Sentinel
Get acquainted gradually; II you ex-
pect TO borrow 81 from q new aequaint-
ance tomorrow. ask him for q to-day.
lHitt0ankee Sentinel.
Bismarck says: WAR is neyerca used
by newspaper articles Bismarck Is
evidently not familiar with Texas jour
nalism. -Norrist0tCl1 Herald.
Least said soonest mended" is prob
ably the reason why it takes the sew
ing society forever to darn a pair of
stockings.-Einlira Gazette.
When a woman loves a man she
can't see why every other woman
doesn't love him just as much-and
generally he can't either.-SoDierriile
Journal.
Misfortune has to spit on its hands,
throw of its coat and hump itself to
catch up with the man who has mind
ed his own business all his life
Atchison Globe.
Lime or mud Is an Objectionable REM
edy, of course. but something might
be done with Parnell's eyes to enable
Philadelphia Times.
Trembling Youth Madam, love
you to distraction; will you be my
wife?" Girl of the Future-''you may
leave your references and call againr
-Nele York Herald.
Col. Didn't your wife
ask you to purchase a load of wood
this morning7r Maj. Smiles-''Yes.
but l compromised on a stack OF
| chips. Paut Globe.
You can always distinguish your
friends from your enemies by obsery-
ing that the former agree with you
when YOU say harsh things about your
self. Miitvaltkee Sentinel.
He How did you enjoy the acting
at the matinee?m She-.1t was some-
thing atrociousl The color of the lead
| ing lady.s gown didn't match the rib
| bous on her pug dogs neckr'-Netc
| York Herald
Minnie-.-And what broke your en-
gagement. dear?n Mamie-sWhy, |
said that after we were married | in
tended TO write my name with hy-
| phen aud he said | shouldn't. t."-I Indian
dpotis Journal
A household journal says: The TOOTH
some mince pie has quite pedigree.
| We knew there was something in it
mighty hard to digest, but never once
suspected it was a pedigree. - Norris
| tob0H Herald.
Slippers will be much used this will
ter For grown-up persons the slip
| pers will be according to the latest fall
/ fashions on lev payements. For
naughty children the slippers will be
| felt. Toledo Blade.
The question discussed in st. Louis
| the other day was. Our lawmakers;
how can we reach them most affective
| lyY Better catch them at the tavern
bar after the Legislature adjourns.-
NeW Orleans PicdyHHe.
The promptness with which those
| three Chicago bank raiders were cap
| tured emphasizes the difference in ef-
ficacy between prayer and profanity as
aids in opening financial institution
i-IadiaHapolis Journal
Scene. Newport-"How well pre-
served rprd Bawnbawst is lis he not a
great swell?n %. yesi with burst
of confidence.) Do you know when he
arrived he was obliged to pay duty on
himself as work of art?n-B Brooklyn
Life.
Mr.. Wilgus-"So you decline to con-
tribute anything? Remember, brother
Gotrox, there are no pockets in
shrouds." Old Grotox-'.Of course
there are not. A mans shropd is fur
nished by his heirs. Indianapolis
Journal.
"GraciousI" said paterfamilias. as
the bills for the Christmas presents
purchased by his wife and daughters
came in, 'unless can pawn some of
the gifts they have received We'll have
to live on salt pork for a month";
Boston Times.
well, here is a photograph of the
lady whom 1 have described to you"
But, my dear sir, according to this
picture the lady is much older than you
gave me any reason to believe %,
/ assure you that this is a very old
photograph. ."-FIiegerade Btdtker.
Butcher, who has been rejoiced by
the birth of son, is informed that the
child weighs nearly eight pounds. He
takes him in his arms to feel his weight
and calls out astonished: by Jove, SO
he doesr' then after a moments pause
adds, 'but with the bones, mind you.
l-Fliegefsde BtGtter.
CilIinS Dun idnSuaSe WAS u cOu'
glomeration of pure Sioux. impure En-.
glish, and decayed French. When he
swore he used all three languages SC
fuently that the recording angel with
his stenographer and typewriter coul6
not take down and charge up all hi:
oaths.-Grand Rapids Herald.
She-.I understand there is tailor
in London who just looks at you hare
for few moments, and when you
clothes come home they fit you perfect
ly.n He-'sThas is somewhat differen
from my tailor. He looks at me hare