Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-11-01
A TALK FROM WILDER.
The Merry Little Story Teller Writes
for Dispatch Readers.
WOES OF THE MARRIED STATE.
4 Nickel Invested on an L Road Brings the
Best Returns Known.
SOME ODD TALES BY WAY OF VARIETY
WRITTEN FOR THE prsPArcH.1

| WRITTEN FOR THE DrsPATcH.1
I was taking hard think in the darkest
corner of hotel reading room the other day
when I was found by q conundrum fiend-
one of the worst Of his species-one of'the
kind that would joke about his dead wife if
he could do it in the form of conundrum.
This fellow dragged me into the pitiless
Light of the front window and shouted:
"Sayi Who lives longest: bachelor or
. married man?'
"a bachelor" said I, 'tfor he's ashamed
to die without making a record"
you're wrong, little fellow" said he;
'they live about the same length Of time
but the married man thinks his life is .
good deal longer
II wonder what makes men think there's
any fun in abusing married men and women
saying ugly things just because some people
happen to be married? haven't any per-
sonal reasons for finding fault with such
jokers, for having been a bachelor as tar
back as can remember, and no blushing
damsel having ever tried to take me at q
disadvantage in leap year; still, don't
| think such jokes are entirely fair. No
| square man will bet on sure thing, and no
decent fellow ought to twit man or woman
! about what they can't help unless they get
themselves into divorce courts and their
names into the newspapers
ILLUSTRATED BY ANOTHER STORY.
I always think that particular class Of
jokers have drawn blanks in the matri-
monial lottery, and want to think every
man they meet is as bad off as themselves.
As for the men they make fun of, they can
afford to put on the style Of the private
soldier in the late civil war VINO was or
dered by his company commander to come
from behind a tree which was keeping q
great many bullets from exploring his true
inwardness It was in The midst of lively
engagement, and the private felt very un-
comfortable at receiving such orders, but at
know what's the matter with you; you
wish you were in my fix and had this tree
yourself"
Sometimes the fellow who makes lots of
ugly digs at married folks is q bachelor
who's so mean at heart that he hasn't ever
had enough man in him to propose to
good girl and take her for better and for
worse. He's been so tremendously particu-
lar. and SO anxious to get great deal in e1-
change for the very little he has to give that
he overreaches himself and catches q regu-
lar Tartar, who makes things so lively for
him that the last state of that man is agreat
deal more uncomfortable than the first. I'm
sorry enough for such chaps when meet
them to sguander a pitying word or two
upon them, but must own up to feeling .
good deal like an ex-Confederste officer Of
whom I once heard
THROWS IN ANOTHER STORY.
He chanced to be travelling somewhere
up North, where he ran into town and
saw the railway platform full of g. A R. 5
and other war veterans who were going
somewhere on q little demijohn picnic.
While "the boys" were waiting for their
train to come and were swapping war
stories and chews of tobacco to while the
time away, there was wheeled up . poor
chap who had lost both. legs and one arm
during the unpleasantness and hadn't yet
received the comforting unction of q pen
sion, 80 he was passing the hat with the
hope of keeping out Of the poor
house q little longer. When the Confed-
crate dropped ten-dollsr bill into the hat
the old fellow was scared almost out of
what little life was left in him, but when he
examined the bill and found it was genuine
he got back enough breath to say;
'fMuch 'bliged, comrade Reckon you
was there yourself, eh?"
"Yes," was the reply, 'but not on your
side"
'That so? Goshl Then I reckon your
conscience is touched after all these years,
an you think that twas mean of the South
to make 50 much trouble tor US Northern
troops2"
'.Not bit Of itr' roared the ex-grayback,
with some highly expressive scriptural Lam
"Goshl Then what did you gimme all |
this money for?''
"What for? Gratitude-that's what for
I've seen good many Yankees in my time,
but you're the first one that's been trimmed |
to suit me-"
A TALK ON ELEVATED Roads
That's the way I feel toward the fellow
who's always saying things about other |
mems wives and then ties himself to fe-
male terror until death or divorce do them
part. Dropping from the sentimental to
the practical, as the young fellow said when
he fell from tree in front of his ladylove's
window and right into the mouth of the
properly introduced, wonder how we ever
smiled in New York before we had the ele-
vated railroads?
There's nothing funny about the roads
Of course; they're as serious
and matter-of-fact as a tramp who hasn't the
price of drink, but there's more to laugh
at on the trains, If you have your eyes in
your head, than there ever was in circus.
Whenever want to freshen up little and
have some good laughs all to myself in.
vest nickel at the nearest elevated rail-
road station and very soon find myself
getting back my moneys worth about once
In every two seconds. People who always
do the sensible thing in business, and could
give points on manners to some of the Four
can make themselves as awkward
and ridiculous on an elevated car as if they
were clodhoppers who had never travelled
nearer frst-class than on the towpath of
.anaL
I've heard q brakeman shout the name
ot Q stasion three times clearly within
'ix feet of the ear of Wall street magnate,
who afterward got up and asked, in good
aith, the name of the station. I've seen
Tell-dressed women meet each other on the
'ars, both being on the way to some of the |
hopping places that women delight in;
I've heard them get so interested in telling
zach otner what they wanted to buy that
hey forgot there were, other people pres I
mt, and when the car stopped and they
tarted to 60 out they've stopped right in ,
he aisle, just as a lovely woman sometimes
loes when promenading with another lovely
Voman and suddenly hears something that {
stonishes her. Meanwhile the brakeman '
as stood with his hand on the bell rope in {
he attitude of somebody's statue Of SEX
but also with a suggestion of
ohm L. Sullivan about him, and all the {
ther people in the car have been frowning
r grlnning, according to their dispositions
nd the amount of time thou bova to cnaro |