Waterbury evening Democrat. [volume] (Waterbury, Conn.) 1887-1895, 1891-08-27

mother did not know how dear my books
were to me. They made the world in
which 1 lived; for since my physical
Weakness made me unfit to join in the
usual pleasures of young people OF my
age, l was compelled to create a universe
If my own. And what better material
could make of 1t than the fruits of those
delightful hours spent with my head
buried in some musty folio had CHANGED
upon, or from the lighter volumes culled
from every bookshelf within my reachf
Yes, had lived in my books, and when
they were forbidden me 1t seemed as
though / stood within beautiful garden,
filled on all sides with trees weighed
down with delicious fruit, the taste of
which would make the blood in my veins
rise to fever-heat, urging me on to noble
| thoughts and nobler deeds; and yet my
hands were tied by my own helplessness
which forced me to stand by and watch
others pluck and eat the dainties had no
power to claim for myself alone for
hidden to share in the pleasures even of
the commonest schoolboy, who, will-he
nil-he, might taste but dare not touch.
shall never forget the pain that self
denying cost me, or the cloud Of desolation
which seemed to have settled over my life
after my promise was given.
Inc months which, before to me, had
| flown by in one delicious round of never
ceas1ng pleasures, now seemed to lag as
slowly to their end as l once did from my
books Old as 1 was when the greatness
OF my deprivation forced itself upon me-
when I who would have given worlds to
have explored the wonders dare not my
self do anything but dream of, was jeered
and laughed at by others, whose scanty
stock Of knowledge they had stolen or
had literally driven into their dull brains,
how many time-with my cheeks as a
rule white with sickly pallor which told
its own tale, flooded with rich tide of
crimson blood to such an intensity that
sometimes they almost seemed to burn
beneath my icy fingers my eyes with their
dark unhealthy circles beneath, literally
abaze and fiashing-the only evidence
dared allow outwardly of the fire within
have stolen away to some dark corner,
as far away from the rest of the world as
possible-(could I only have turned my
back on it altogetherh and there in my
loneliness have I forgotten my resolutions
to bear my burden bravely, not to dis
grace the manhood into which was fast
drifting, and boyer should 1 say girl
like-resting my throbbing head on my
coat-sleeve, my arms folded to try and
keep down the heavy heavings of my
breast-sobbed out my sorrow with all the
bitterness Of one who, in the intensity of
big grief, sees no comforting ray of hope
SHINING through the darkneSSl
Yes many is the time have wept over the
two-fold helplessness from which suf-
fered-for my bodily weakness was in no
way less than that Of my mind-nay, if
anything, 1t wGs greater: even the lightest
OF physical eXertion seemed above my
strength, so that mechanical as we'll as in
tellectual pursuits were out of my power
to indulge in.
was a helpless log. with the highest
aspirations, and, believe, the determine
ton for making my way in the world, for
winning for myself a name. glory, and
fame, such as 1 envied others. All
throbbed within me-an but the one great
gift, health and strength, to travel the
road would have made for myself.
All, those weary days of my boyhoodl
Yet how much more weary, how much
more full of pain might they not have
been but for the great and tender love and
patience of my dear motherf It was she
who nursed and tended me, fought my
battles aad drove away the wild wicked
thoughts which at times filed my mind
and made me willing to forget, that care
and troubles are sent for some just pur-
pose; that my life was not my own to do
with it as pleased--because it was full
of pain to cast it away.
All, my motherl-you, more than every
thing that was good in woman, you fairest
and best of angels, what would my life
have been then-what afterwards, during
what followed, but for you
And when you were taken from me;
but will not speak of that time, for even
though years have turned wild mad
grief into calm sorrow, cannot talk of
those sad days without recalling the sense
of bitter desolation which fell upon me
when realized that l was truly mother
less-alone in the world.
Alone in the woEld-nay, worse than
that, for now that stood thus learnt or
rather understood for the first time how,
beyond deprfving me of power to work
even to amuse myEelf-my helplessness
was to give me yet a more bitter trial.
The home which l speak of was but
mine on sufferance, as only too soon was
to learn. My own father had died Of fever
soon after my birth, and my mother early
married again. have no remembrance
of the parent lost SO early, nor of how we
lived after his death. I know my mother
was very, very poor, and l daily seemed
slipping down the long dark way her be-
loved husband had fallen; but If, as l
afterwards could not but guess 1t was to
gain a home and such comforts as were
Indispensable to her poor siclxly orphan
boy, she did so sacrifice herself for my
good she never so much as limited 1t to me.
will make no comments upon this
second marriage-it suff1ces that my
stepfather was a hard, grasping men. All
his own children were possessed of rude
health and minds. I alone, who had no
claim upon him, was the one great burden.
1 have said he was hard. viii use no
stronger word for the course he took after
my dear mother was taken from me-
While she lived she had stood between
me and his harshness; she gone, I was at
his mercy. Mercy he had none May
Heaven forgive him for the part he played
to me
Twas drag useless log on his hands
1 was the only member of the busy family
who did not bear his or her share of the
struggle to live. l alone was idle. This
my stepfather would not tolerate He
drove me sometimes with blows to my
work until fell down helpless at his very
feet, and then when a long and dangerous
illness reached me. with pains of body and
mind, such as made my life despaired of
when had fought I know not why,
my way back to life again. it was but to
suffer tenfold the agony had before
for 1t was the agony Of shame-the agony