St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-10-11
He Brings Home a Corkscrew
and SWearS 1t Is a Can
Opener,
And Charges Mrs. Bowser
With an Attempt to Take
His Wallet.
He Grows Furious and Face
tious by Turns Over the
Affair.

New York World.
Mrs. Bowser." solemnly began Mr..
Bowser, as he came home to dinner the
other evening, what did 1 say to you
when 1 left the house this morning"
-.'You said it looked like RAM" she
answered.
Il said it would rain before highland
it has. Pm wet to the hide"
That's too bad!"
sToe bad and whose fault is il? My
mind was occupied with business af-
fairs, and you knew it was, and yet you
saw me walk off without an mbreIla.
Mrs. Bowser, p
''Why.you took your umbrella along"
she interrupted.
"Neverr'
'Of course you did! Don't you re-
member of dropping it at the gate?
You walked right out of the office and
left it there"
Il did. eli? Why don't you call me
first-class idiot and be done with it,"
You must have done so, for you
surely carried it away with you"
That's exactly what he did do, and he
knew he did, but he Squirned out OF it
by Offering to bet her million dollars
TO cent that the front door had BEEN
left wide open all the afternoon and
that hall-thef had carried oil half the
stuff down stairs.
One morning there was smell of gas
down cellar, and Mr.. Bowser went down
to see if he could discover leak. He
put on an old hat kept for ''poking
around" and when he left the house he
wore it away. 1t was rusty and spotted
and broken. and it was only when the
boys down town began to shoot that
hat that he tumbled to it. Then he
flew back home with his eyes hanging
out and his face of plumb color, and
he was 10 sooner inside the door than
he shouted:
Look at it, Mrs. BOwser-look at
thar Internal old junkshoD which you
deliberately saw me wear away OH my
head and never said word about lt.'
did you wear that hat down tOwnr'
did l Did In' he shouted as he
banged it on the floor and jumped on it.
But l didn't see you go. was up
stairs when you went, Mr.. Bowser. You
are very absent-minded."
81 am. Ell! It's a wonder that don't
forget 10 come home, isn't it! Mrs.
BOwser, if there is another house in the
United States as badly miSmanaged as
this I'd like to see itp'
But can you blame me because you
wore your old hat away" she protested.
THAT'S it-that'S it, Shoulder it off
OH me! The papers talk of the startling
number of divorces. It's wonder to
me there are not five times as many"
One day Mr.. Bowser brought home a
patent corkScrew, which some fakir had
sold him, and Mrs. Bowser saw him drop
it into a wall-pocket. A week later,
after wandering around the house for
half an hour one evening, he halted be- .
fore her and said:
''l1ll be hanged if | don't get some
chains and padlocks. and see if | can't
have things left where put themH'
What is it now?"
II brought home can-opener few
days ago. and left it on bracket in the
dining room. It's gone, of course
probably given away to some big, lazy
tramp! It's wonder we have thing
left in this house!''
"A can-Opener?"
''Yes, can-opener. If you never
heard of a can-opener I'll hire some one
to write'you out history of it. 1t was
invented to open cans"
''Why, we have two or three in the
kitchen. Do you mean can-opener?'
Il don't mean windmillS or threshing
machines"
You had it in a pink paper?"
Yes, MAN,"
sit was the day the man fixed the
gate?"
at was"
"Well, saw you drop it in that wall
pocket, and it is corkscrew and not
can-opener."
at is, Ell? Perhaps l don't know
hitching post from the city hail." he
growled as he reached for the parcel
and unrolled it. 1t was corkscrew. 1t
could only be used as corkscrew. 1t
was made and sold as a c0rkScrew.
didn't | tell you?" Queried Mrs.
Bowser.
Tell me what? Told me it was a
corkscrew, and it's can-opener, just
as | said it was"
''It'S a corkScrewi"
Its can-openerI'
And as long as Mr.. Bowser draws the
breath of life he will stick 10 it, because
he said so in the first place.
Like other husbands, Mr.. BowSer is
greatly worried over the safety of his
wallet while around the house. He has
an idea that Mrs. Bowser would give
ten years of her life to get that wallet
in her hands for about two minutes, and
that she lies awake good share OF
every night in the year wondering
where he hid it when he went to bed.
He makes it a religious duty to conceal
it every night and to count over
his funds the first thing in
the morning. One morning. strange
as it may seem, he left the house with
out taking his wallet, which he had
hidden the night before under the
bureau. He had been gone about an
hour when there was great clatter on
the front steps, the door flew open, and
he rushed into the back parlor and stood
before Mrs. Bowser.
She was so upset that she could only
family gasp:
.Mr. Bowser. is mother dead?''
"Mother deadf' he yelled in reply,
what do l know about your mother?
Mrs. BOwser, I've been robbed"
mol"
"And in my own house at thatl Some
time during the night some one got out
Of bed and stole my walletl''
impossible! Was it in your coat?'
swell, no-not exactly. For fear of
burglars /"
"You what9" she asked, as he hest
tated and looked confused.
He rushed up stairs, and she followed
under the dresser.
"fhen you were not robbed!' she
tartly observed.
"N-o-not quite; not this time. But let
this be a great moral lesson to you, Mrs.
! Bowser-never to NEEDLE with my wal
let! That's something no husband will
put up with"
II never touched your old Wallet"
Sand see that you never do And
don't talk back, Mrs. Bowser. You
have had very narrow escape, and
you ought to be thankful for livery
thankful. Some husbands would have
raised row; but l think you under
stand me, and l think the lesson will
not be lost on YOU"