davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Press., 1891-11-05
 BOOMERANG PLEASANTLY.

\ The early riser was out watering his grass when the funny man came along and stepped on the hose.
 The early riser turned around to see what had shut of the water so suddenly and the funny man laughed at him.
 "Get of that hosc!" exclaimed the early riser.
 "Oh, don't mind me-" said the funny man. Go on and water your grass"
 Then he noticed that the nozzle was carelessly pointed in his direction.
 "Herei" Point the other wayi' he cried.
 The early riser glanced down at the nozzle and his face lit up with pleasure. Amusing to shut of mans water isn't it ?n he asked.
 But, my dear sir,n expostulated the funny man, II didn't" v Its intensely. funny,' said the early riser; you'd better get of that hose" :. .But I can't" said the funny man "Don't you see the nozzle's pointed right at me, and if I do" !.
 "Oh, we'll, Pm in no hurry,n interrupt ed the early riser. If you enjoy it ] don't know that have any reason to ob ject.' . He sat down on the railing surrounding his grass plat and rested the nozzle CT his knee, still keeping 1t pointed toward the funny man. " ''I say,'' said the latter, If you'll tur1 that the other way I'll get off, ,a sOh, wouldn't put you to so muci trouble" said the early riser. "Enio. yourself" = .gs The early riser held the nozzle between his knees while he took out 8 cigar ant lit it. The funny man watched him pnt l it for moment. Then he said: "See here, old man, my legs getting stiff.n
 Why don't you shift legs ?" asked tn early riser, disinterestedly. The funny man tried 1t, made a slip land the stream almost reached him hefor he could get his foot, on the hose again The early riser chuckled. a, "Say, I'll break your head r cried tn funny man, excitedly. t:. sesr, s <, ssAll right,n returned the early risel carelessly. But be careful or you ma slip of the hose again. 2 | The funny man glared at the early rise a moment and then said:
 
 "If were as mean as you I'd go int the pawnbroker's business" ;" 'ssF 5
 sIf were as funny: as you are'' sai the early riser, as he leisurely puffed hi cigar, "I'd hire out to a burlesque con Ipany." ,sss@ -.ssi@ ss93
 The funny man tried to walk along tn hose to get farther away from the nozzle but the water spurteds out a little wit each step and he stopped. Then he ge desperate, stepped of, and started to ruI The stream caught him in the middle { the back. s ssls i' q
 When he got out of range he turne and shook his fist at the impressive earl riser and made some terrible threats. ?
 And the early riser muttered as he b' gun watering the grass again: " a
 "Funny that funny man can't take joke on himself. ''-C Chicdgo Tribune. | ----------E l----- ------- v | Winsted Herald: Ut was 399 years az last Monday that Mr., O. Columbus di covered America. Ex. Editor Vaill asser that a s,,lI aaoo,Int of the affair was pu]
The Press., 1891-11-05

mend to it's ministers abstinence from the
 filthy thing 1t is also requested to in struct it's elders to forbear it's use and to use their influence to banish 1t from the churches. t'Be ye clean that bear the
 vessels of the Lord.',
The Press., 1891-11-05

| 7- Carfinal Manning says: "All my life long fs.- my utmost to preyert the holding On. lrs, lotteries or rafIies for works of charity or religion. It seems to me that our Lords works ought to be done in our Lords way, that Is, for His sake, and with the purest motive. Any thing of self or of the world mixings sin so far destroys the purity of the motive, and as St. Paul says of charity, may reduce them to nothing. We are all in danger of these lower motives, and we certainly ought not to encourage. ? Another says
 ''Will the protestant churches ever learn to give up the grab bag, the raffie, the chance games, which are only another form of lotterys Many churches have al- ready discarded these ectionable meth ods; but many more continue to practice them, bringing the church as an institu- tion, and the cause of religion also, into contempt. It is we'll to denounce that great swindle, the Louisiana Lottery Con- pany; but it is not at all we'll to recog- nlze the lottery ldea Tn tn6 ramos ahu prize-bags and weighing guessing devices of the ordinary church fair"
 A FATAL MISTAKE. Physicians make no more fatal mistake than when they ln- form patients that nervous heart troubles come from the stomach and are of little consequence. Dr. Franklin Miles, the noted Indian specialist, has proven the contrary in his new book on Heart Dis ease,n which may be had free at w. D. Aeald's, who guarantees and recommends Dr. Miles unequaled New Heart Cure, which has the largest sale of any heart Iemedy in the world. It cures nervous and organic heart disease, short breath, fluttering, pain or tenderness in the. side, arm or shoulder, irregular pulse, fainting, smothering dropsy, etc. His Restorative Neryine cures headache, fits, etc. 3
The Press., 1891-11-05

It is 3 poor policy to hire man te watch bank who believes there is nc harm in stealing chickens
The Press., 1891-11-05
Highest of all in Lcavenng Report Aug IT. Iss9
 z,!A':'.!! z,!':'.! Bss'Rg Bsxi'sgr
ABSOLUTELY PURE

Apropos of the break ing of the Tilden will, there is . point in the Hibernicss n os the New York lawyer who remarked fthat the man who died in New York and
 made will had better not have made g will and moved out of New York before he made it!',
The Press., 1891-11-05

Mics Nerve and Liver Pills act on a new principle regulating the liver, stom- ach and bowels through tse aae'-oes. A new discovery Dr. Miles Pills speedily cure biliousness, bad taste, torpid liver, piles, constipation. Unequaled for men, women,
 children Smallest, mildest, surest! DO doses, g cts. Samples free at w. D.
 Heald's drug store.
The Press., 1891-11-05

I had catarrh of the head and throat for five years. used Ely's Cream Balm and from the first application was relieved.
 The sense of smell, which had been lost, was restored after using one bottle. have found the Balm the only satisfactory rem edy for catarrh, and it has effected cure in my case HI. L. Meyer, Waverly, N. Y.
The Press., 1891-11-05

The president of the Bank of Waverly. Iowa, says: Sulphur Bftters saved my life. For ten years suffered from Ga tarrh and liver complaint; ]. lest, forty five pounds and was growing worse rap idly. had lost all. faith in medicine, but gave them trial. Six bottles cured me. l-sSmith P. Huat, Waeerlg, Iosca..
The Press., 1891-11-05

Washington Star Iowa corn has been making political and horticultural rec ord this season that justifles some tall stories. But 1t hardly warrants the fol lowing, which recent arrival from the west brought with him. II saw, says the recent arrival, ia man standing al the foot of corn stalk.'' "HoW big is your corn,' asked the farmer. 1T Idon't know" was the reply. II sent one o1 my boys up to see, and I'm worried tc death abont him." Cant he get back P ssNo; that's the trouble. The corn-stalk' 4 growing up fastern'n he kin climb down.
 BucKLEN's ARNIcA SALvE.-The besi salve in the world for cuts, bruises, sores ulcers, salt rheum, fever sores, letter chapped hands, chilblains, corns, and all skin eruptions, and positively cures piles or no pay required. Guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction or money refunded Price 5Oc per box. Sold by E. K. Taft.
The Press., 1891-11-05
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.

uTM. WOBBECKE, Merchant w Tailor, Room 1, Warren's Block Stafford Springs, Conn.
The Press., 1891-11-05

 a4 St. Louis Republic Captain Montag- mac, who was executed in France during the religious wars, but was rescued from the gibbet by Marshal Turrene after having hanged by the neck for nearly three minutes. said that he had lost all pain the moment the trap sprung, and even complained at being rescued and taken away from beautiful light that defied description. Another culprit, who escaped through the breaking of the rope, said that after a second or two of suffer- ing light appeared, and across it beau tiful avenue of trees. All accounts seem to agree, in one particular, at least that the suffering is but momentary; that a pleasurable feeling immediately succeeds; that colors of various hues start up before the eyes, and that when these have been gazed at for a limited space the rest Is total oblivion.
 E GooD LooKs.-Good looks arc more than skin deep, depending upon healthy condition of all the vital organs. If the liver be inactive you have a, bilious look, if your stomach be disordered you have dyspeptic look, and if your kidneys be af- footed you have tpinched look. Secure good health and you. will have good looks. Electric Bitters is the greatest alterative and tonic, acts directly on these vital or gans Cures pimples, blotches, boils and gives good complexion. Sold at K. K. Taft's drug store, 60c. per bottle. 9
The Press., 1891-11-05

A GENCY of Holland County Mutual A Fire Insurance Go. at J. w. CHANDLER'S office at residence Westford-av Stafford Springs.
The Press., 1891-11-05

The agent of a commercial bureau who has been through nearly fourteen coun- ties in western Kansas, for the purpose of obtaining information on which to base a judgment of the business conditions of that part of the country, reports that that portion of Kansas is enjoying the most prosperous era in its history. The banks, he says, are in excellent condition; their deposits are increasing, and they are not using much eastern money, large amounts being received from farmers who are pay ing of mortgages and have money on de- posit after doing it. The abundance of the crop this year Is such, he declares, as to'make up for the losses sustained by the farmers in previous seasons. According to his observation the chief difficulty they have to contend with Is the lack of thresh- ing-machines to handle the wheat. But the farmers do not let this trouble them much, as they are disposed to hold the grain for higher prices, believing that by next February they can get $1 a bushel
 instead of sixty cents, which is the pres
 ent price. The prosperity of the grangers Is having its effect on retail business.
The Press., 1891-11-05

G HI. KING, Attorney and Counsel selor at Law special s attention given to
The Press., 1891-11-05

Winsted Herald: Ut was 399 years ago last Monday that Mr., o. Columbus dis. covered America. Ex Editor Vaill asserts that a.full account of the affair was pub. lished in The Herald at the time."
The Press., 1891-11-05

II H. HOBBY, Piano Tuner and EOe Dealer in Pianos and organs, Mansfield,
The Press., 1891-11-05

~ T. PRESTON, Counsellor at Os Law, Notary Public and Real Estate Agent Wilmington, Conn.
The Press., 1891-11-05

| Springfield Unions: Sumner Smith, the
 republican candidate for representative in
 the ninth Hampden district, was born at
 Wilmington, Conn. in 1895. He was edu-
 cated in the common schools of Stafford,
 Conn.,, and worked on farm until nearly
 twenty years of age. He then entered
 the employ of the Hydeville manufactur-
 ing company. In 1846 he entered the em-
 ploy of Bradford & Scripture in South Wilbraham Chow Hampden) as an over seer in the finishing department. After wards he was superintendent for Scrip tlre, Sage < Co.,, Scantic mills, and for the last eleven years of mill work was superintendent for l.. B. Chapman's wool
 en mills, where he gave the best of satis-
 faction, both to employers and to help
 under his charge. Soon after the death of L. B. Chapman he left the mill. In 1877 bought out William P. Fuller's gen. -eral store at Hampden, where he has since continued the business successfully.
 MT. Smith was selectman three success live years in the town of Wilbraham, be- ling one year chairman of the board. When
 the town was divided he was chosen first
 town clerk and treasurer of Hampden, which office he held for eleven years, when he declined further service. At the present time MT. Smith is chairman oi selectmen, overseer of poor and postmas-
 ter. He has held the office of justice oi
 the peace for $ twenty-one years. This record shows that MT. Smiths whole life
 has been an energetic, active one. He is
 g successful, honest business man. "A
 residenee of forty years has given him ar extensiye acquaintance all through the ninth district He Is 2 close observer o
 men and a student of public affairs. ~ tsslThe trustees of the Hale donation al
 their annual meeting at Columbia Oct | 27, adopted the following minute: I The Board is called torecord the deatl 1 of Hon. Chauncey Howard. who had helt
 the position of trustee nearly ssSenteel
 years: He died at his home in Hartfoit in July, and was buried in South Coven 4 try, his native place. His portly an, II diCnified presence. his gentle and afiabl
The Press., 1891-11-05

T1RANKLIN H. SAGE, Attorney I and Counsellor at Law, Room 2, Warren's
The Press., 1891-11-05

Tn all sizes, and the same grade that has given such universal satisfaction aid are now prepared Place your orders beforu the rise and get the beneflt. GARY BROS.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
Blainc's Long Memory for Faces.

During one OF his visits to Pittsburg
Mr.. Blaine stopped at the Anderson.
Zach Males is the aged colored man
who attends to the ladies' entrance.
When the secretary came in the old
man was there to see him with q graft
fed smile on his face. How are you,
Mr.. BlaineP" he said.
"And how are you, ZachP" the
statesman answered.
Poor old Zach was dumfounded. He
expected no such recognition and
greeting. why, Mr.. Blaine" he re-
piled, nervously, II would know you
IL had never seen you from your
pictures but how did you know my
name was Zach?"
well, that is easy" said Mr..
Blaine, laughing. Don't you re-
member, Zach, when l went to school
at the Washington and jefferson col
lege fifty years agop / lived with my
uncle and you worked for him. have
not seen you for years since, but for
get your face and name Zach, l never
could"
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
CONCERNING Glass r:yes.

Good glass eyes come high, said
an Cculist to a Buffalo News man. I'm
tie first place the grcater share of
glass eyes, so called, are not glass.
The best 2uality OF artificial eyes is
manufactured in America by a process
that is kept absolutely secret. These
are the lightest and best and will last
the longer The Germans also make a
fine artificial eye. The best eyes are
made of stone. The German article is
cheaper than the American. The vein
ing in tho foreign eyes is not sc we'll
marked"
What makes the trade profitable?"
I'm tell you. One-eyed men are
likely to be rather scarce, and one
would think that having once stocked
up they would buy no more. But this
is not the case. An artificial eye gets
to be a nuisance after it has been on
duty two or three months. Another
one has to be purchased. This ex-
plains the reason for the lively trade
in these articles. Therell always be a
trade in them. and gooI one. too"
''IIow is it we don't notice n glass
ere in some men?"
because they know enough TO keep
still about the matter, and wear the
best eyes obtainable. In this way il
you notice anything at all peculiar
about their optics you imagine they
have squint or are cross-eyed."
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
Trees Can Inherit.

Professor Giari brings to remem-
brance large number of most inter-
esting illustrations in support of the
Lamarckian view that acquired charac-
ters may be inherited. One of the
most telling of his facts is that found
in the case of the leaves of the lime
and other trees, which bear curious
malformations, caused by the attack Of
mites.
These malformations are inherited,
even when individual trees are protect
ed from the parasites in question; and,
as no one could maintain either that
the trees originally possessed the mall
formations or that the latter occur
accidentally, the only explanation open
to us is to hold that what was an
accidental and acquired variation has
been duly perpetuated.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
MINIATURE WONDERS.
a Full Toa Service and Table All I'm n
Nutshell


At shop in London away back in
l745 was exhibited common Barcel-
ona nutshell holding tea table, tea
board, dozen cups and saucers, with
sugar dish, bottle, funnel, Is drinking
glasses, five punch bowls, 10 rummels,
pestle and mortar and two sets of
nine-p ins-all of polished ivory, ex-
quisitely fashioned and, according to
the account of the time. "all TO be
plainly seen without the aid OF optic
glasses" This wonder was the work
OF poor artist who had hit upon this
plan to make living. His little ex-
.hibition was soon outdOnc by Boverick
the matchmaker For 1 shilling this
last-named genius would show visitors
the half of common chcrry-stone,
from which he would take a quadrille
table, II chairs with skeleton backs, q
looking-9la neatly framed, two dozen
plates, six saucers, - spoons, dozen
knives and forks two salt cups, and a
lady and gentleman whom he seated
at the table. This same Boverick also
made an ivory camel that could be
passed through the eye of common
needle; six pairs of steel scissors that
could all be hidden under the wing of
a common house-hy, and gold chain
of 200 links TO which n miniature pad
lock and KEY were attached, all OF
which were of such minute dimensions
as to be easily pulled across a pane OF
glass by flea. Later on, he produced
small ivory coach to which he har-
messed flea, coach and steed weigh
ing exactly rs much as barley grain;
and crane-necked carriage, with
wheels turning properly on their axles,
carrying four passengers, two footmen.
coachman sitting on the box with a
dog between his legs, driving six ivory
horses, one of the leaders bearing a
position. the whole affair so light that
this same pct flea could set it in
motion, but was not equal to the task
of dragging it across the showcase.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22

Ti5htt. NJ. D., came TO the Corncrs
j. TidHtt M. ID. had not received q
call yet, either as doctor or physician.
and he had been for more than week
at the Corners, staggering and brag-
ging when one afternoon Ben Lopy
dropped in mt the tavern and went in
Jason's room.
Doctor" said he, betty is ailin'
some, N we'm afeerd it's lever this
comm on her. by think it's likely
to be anythin' this ketchin'P"
"More'n likely" said the physician.
"At this time o. year. more'n likely.
I'll drop over n look at her."
Ben went home and Jason soon fol-
lowed him. He looked ut Betty's
tongue. felt her pulse and shook his
head.
"It's a fever. sure, he said, IN I'm
afeerd n ketchin' one. I'll know by
t'mor'. m then I'll know what to do
I'll drop in agin this evenin'."
Then Jason staggered out and told
everybody he met that there was go
ing to be a case of contagious fever at
Ben Lopy's before two days rolled
round, and nothing could be surer.
He called again at Ben's in the even-
ing and found Betty worse. He left a
powder and told them he would be
around the first thing in the morning.
To all anxious inquirers he said that it
would be q case of ketchin' fever sure
unless it took different turn in less'n
forty-eight hours.
Aunt Sairy Mole heard about the
dangerous case of contagion that was
threatening the Lopys, and conse-
quently the whole community, but she
didn't seem alarmed.
II hain't afeerd o. no ketchin' fever
I ever heerd on" she said, IAN III &c
down to Betty's tonight N see wat
the gin n snakeroot IL do"
Aunt Sairy went down to Betty's that
evening. but as she said afterwards,
she didn't have to use the gin and
snakeroot. The next morning Jason
Tidfitt strutted into Lopy's in his ca
pacity of physician and the first person
he met in the house was Aunt Sairy.
He came out again so soon that people
who saw him and were anxious fol
news feared that the worst had come.
Jason wasn't staggering and he looked
very sheepish.
lis it ketchin', doctor?" several asked
him. "Is it ketchin'?"
The doctor stopped.
If it is ketchin' " he said. you fell
lcrs that's married III hef to dig in &c
workin' durn sight tight'n y be now
It's twins!"
j. Tidfitt, NJ. d., Doctor and Physi
clan, took his sign down that day ant
left the Corners. The next heard o
him he was in raftman's tavern, dowI
the river. opening oysters.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
ORIGIN OF WORDS.

The word 'milliner" owes its origin TO
Milan.
Mr.. John W. Massey, of Plymouth,
Eng. formerly of Philadelphia, writes to the
Record to suggest the word "televoice" as
n substitute for the telephone message.
The law Of evolution works in language
as well as in other things. Twenty thous-
and words have been added to tho English
language in the department of biology
alone since Darwin's discoveries.
"Pseudopathy'' and 'pseudotherapy"
have been added to the medical vocabulary
by Oliver Wendell Holmes. The first of
these words signifies the quack science and
the other means the quack method of heal
ipg.
Tho latest linguistic importation from
Lon.lon is the verb 'to finance" which is
used to denote tho process of furnishing
funds for financial institution. IL is
rather worse, on the whole, than ''sui-
cided."
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
TIE STARE.

10 man would be alone let him look the stars"
And now all meaner things have fallen
away,
Ignoble arts and triumphs Of the day.
From out the sombre earth, 10 left, to
right,
Arise the countless blunders of the night;
Minute and stridulent, they blend and
swell,
Into one vast and solemn canticle;
Fleet-footed winds upon the leafy trees
Play at will their grander symphonies.
And ever the attuned soul is smote,
In swift response unto each finest note.
No austere moon sails on, serene and
proud,
With her shifting train of dappled cloud;
But unto the limits of Heavens bars,
Shine forth tho punctual legions of the
stars.
Oh, pure compellers of sublirner mood;
The humble heart meier counts it solitude,
To wait in eXultation, mute and awed,
In divine company OF thee and God.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22

A heavy burden
all the ills and ailments that only
female flesh is heir to. 1t rests with
you whether you carry it or lay it
down. You can cure the disorders
and arrangements that prey upon
your sex, with DR.. Pierce's Favor
tie Prescription. It's legitimate
medicine, carefully compounded by
an experienced physician, and
adapted to woman's delicate organ
ization.
For all organic displacements and
weaknesses, accompanied by weak
back, bearing-down sensations, and
for all uterine diseases, it's a posi-
tive specific. It's guaranteed to.
give satisfaction, in every case.
If it doesn't, you've only to ask
for your money and it's cheerfully
refunded. If it does, you'll want.
to ask for nothing more. It's
the cheapest medicine you can use,
because you only pay for the good
you get. 1t improves digestion,
enriches the blood, invigorates
the system, and produces refresh
ing sleep.
Weekly expositor. (Brockway Centre, Mich.) 1882-1894, 1891-05-22
England VIII Need II.

The German colliery-owner thinks
that the day is coming when the old
proverb about carrying Goals to New
castle" will have become obsolete and
Germany will actually send coal to
English markets. This prophecy is
based partly on the working out of
England's best seams, but more par
licularly upon the enormous improve
ment in transport through the great
network of waterways in Germany
which viii be finished about ten or
fifteen years hence. The Rhine Ems
canal. which will be opened in about
four or five years, is to connect the
Rhenish Westphalian coal and iron In
dustry with the German North Sea
ports, from whence it is to be exported
and placed on the English markets at
cheaper rates than the home produc-
ton. The Oder-Spree canal already
in existence Is to be widened so as to
enable larger barges, such as will be
used on the Rhine-Ems canal, to be
employed, and along this waterway
the Silesian coal will DO brought to
Berlin and again through the Spree
and Havel To the whole Elbe district
and the North Sea.