davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
sPAsMs OF LAUGHTER.
PRODUCTIONS OF PROFESSION.
AL HUMORISTS.
Humorous Incidents, Witty Saw.
ings and Fun OF all Kinds.
Read Them Before They Be-
come CheStnuts,
His Poem did not Read Right.

shSoo thtSttLs
An editor was sitting in his office
one day when man entered whose
brow was clothed with thunder.
Fiercely Selling a chair, he slammed
his hat on the table, hurled his
umbrella on the floor and sat down.
care you the editor?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Can you read writing?"
cot course"
"Read that" he said, thrustins at
the editor an envelope with an in
scription on it.
B." said The editor trying to
spell it.
That's not a b. it's an 81" said
the man.
"'s?' Oh, yes, 1 see. Well, it looks
like Sal for Dinner or Souls OF Sin
ners,' said the editor.
NO, SIR" replied the man; "noth-
ing OF the sort. That's my name.
Samuel Bruner. l knew you couldn't
a | called to see about that
poem of mine you printed the other
day., entitled The Surcease ofSor-
row."
81 don't remember it," said the
editor.
"Of ours you don't, because it
went into the paper under the villain
GUS title of 'Smearcase Tomorrow"
"a blunder oftheprinter, Isuppose?"
Eyes, sir: and that's what / want
to see you about. The way in which
that poem was multilated was simply
scandalous. l haven't slept a night
since. 1t exposed me to derision,
People think | am an ass, The editor
coughed. Let me show you. The
first line, when l wrote it, read this
way: Lying by a weeping willow,
underneath a gentle slope That
is beautiful and poetic. Now, how,
did your vile sheet represent tito
the public2 Lying to a weeping wild
ow ] induced her to elope.' Weeping
widow mind you. A widow! Oh,
thunder and lighting, that is too
much! But look at the fourth verse.
That's wors yet. Cast thy pearls
oSAOAO SNAllC GAlo lOSC lllelll III IIlG UlrU.
He makes 1t to read this fashion;
Cart thy pills before sunrise and
love them if they hurt Now isn't
that a cold-blooded outrage on q
mans feeling's?"
otis hard, very hard" said the ed
itor.
"Then take the fifth verse. In the
original manuscript it said, as plain
as daylight: Take away the gingling
money; it is only glittering dross.' In
its printed form you made me say:
Take away the tingling honey; put
some flies in for the boss By George!
l feel like attacking somebody with
yon fireshovel! But, oh! look at the
sixth Verse. I wrote: Pm weary of
the tossing of the ocean as it heaves.'
When | opened your paper and saw
the lines transformed into: Pm
wearing out my trousers till they're
open at the knees l thought that
was taking it an inch too far. Ihave
q right to murder the compositor.
Where is he?"
"He is out just now" said the editor.
"Come in tomorrow"
~ will" said the poet; "and I will
come armed Yankee Blade.
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
OF Great Importance.


In a New York newspaper office. A
seedy looking man enters and thus adj
dresses the managing editor:
81 have something here that l think
will please your readers"
Don't want it; full now"
"But it is very important"
"Don't want it, | tell YOU"
"lt is not a murder or anything of
that sort-it is more important than
a fire"
"Will you get Quit"
at is n slam at Chicago"
Morning editor seizes the article,
rushes to q tube and shouts:
"Leave out news from Washington.
Chicago matter OF great Importance"
-ArKansaw Traveller.
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07

Yuma county, Arizona will soon
have a fine i%rrigating system in opera
ton. Two irrigating canals will be
taken out below the town of Yuma to
irrigate the thousands of acres of rich
bottom lands.
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
The Man With a Bite.

Aman sat on the end of a bench in
Battery park with his left hand band.
aged up, and I was about to ask HIM
the cause when a man and his wife,
who were sightseeing and waiting for
the boat on the Liberty route, stop
ped to question him.
81 was bitten on the hand by adog,"
he replied to their query.
"Not a mad dog?" asked the
woman.
"Yes'm. He was suffering with hy-
drophobia the worst way"
"By George!" exclaimed the hus-
band. "reg'lar mad dog, eh?"
eyes, sir"
"Henry, give him 10 CENTS" said
the wo man. ."Here, I've got two mic
kels myself. How did the dog come
to bite your"
cit was in a park up town, ma'am.
Some children were playingnear where
l sat, and the dog was making for
them. l grabbed him and he bit
me-"
"Just jumped right out and grabbed
him, eh?" asked the husband.
eyes"
"And savedS.:. innocent children!~
added the wife. "Here's another
nickel"
"Was the dog frothing?" asked the
husband.
every bad, SIR"
"Eyes like balls of fire?"
" yes"
"Wall, here's 1ocents more. Did he
git away after he bit you?"
"No, sir. 1 threw him down and
choked him to DEATH"
"By George! Hear that, Hammer?
Here's another nickel. He'd make an
ALFRED plucky constable, he would!
Any danger of you're running mad?"
"I'm afraid there is, sir. This is the
ninth day, and l felt like barking a
few minutes ago."
"Dideh! Heart that Hammer? Wall,
We'll have to be going. We want to
ketch that boat. If you should run
mad while we are around here"
"There'd be NJ danger to you, sir.
I'd remember how kind you were to a
suffering man."
They were rather hu FRIED in thir
gait and they headedforthe dock, and
MAAelA VHoy 'idu SOLo STU AlOnS up 10
the nan and asked:
"In case you should run mad
do you wish me to write the
particulars to your poor old
mother, or don't you want her to
know how you suffered and died?"
"Pd rather you'd spare her SIR" as
hecarefully closed his left optic andgo
up and wandered away to find an in
yestment for his capital.-M. Quad in
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
Where Work ls Pleasant.

Neglected Wife-"Why don't you go
to work."
Husband, a ne'er-do-well,-"I amt
GOT no tools"
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
A Friends

Hammerer-Ill have to get a new
piano. My old one is all worn out,
The action is too uneven"
Hardhead-"The action! What's
that?"
Hammerer-"I mean some of the
keys so down too hard and some too
easy. | became accustomed to it, and
then when | play Oh a new piano in
some one else's house | hit some KEYS
too hard and others not hard enough.
Underestimate"
Hardhead-"I see."
Hammerer-"Well, the unexpected
sounds startle me so that | forget the
notes and get thrown out"
Hardhead-'Well, l think that's
pretty rough. They might tell you to
stop, or hit you with a chair-leg, or
something, but | don't think they
ought to throw you out."-New York
Weekly.
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07
Neglected wis-"Deacon Smith Of.

Neglected wife-"Deacon Smith Of
fered you five dollars to fix his fence,
and you have a saw, and a plane, and
a hammer, and nails. What more do
you want?"
Husband-"The saw amt no good,
and amt got no file to sharpen it.
Ole Smith can fix his fence hisself."
Same Husband, ten years later
"Hist! Say, wife, I've escaped from
the penitentiary. Gimme some other
clothes, so l kin light out agin."
Wife-"My, my! How did you get
out?"
Husband--I dug forty feet under
ground with a two-timed fork, and
then cut my way through two feet of
stone wall and ten inches OF boiler
ron with Il saw made out OF q tin
dinner plate.-Good News.
The Dickinson press., 1891-11-07

ANSo WV CIV lax
victims OF hereditary influences from
which there is no escape, and thatfate
rules the world, and although the
author does tell of Prometheus who
was crucified ontherocks ofsympathy
tor mankind, a powerful suggestion of
the sacrifice OF Christ in later years, it
is a very poor book compared with
that book which we hug to our hearts
because it contains our only guide in
life, our only comfort in death, and
our only hope for blissful immortali-
ty. Ii two nations could afford to
struggle for onecopy of Eschylus, how
much more can all nations afford to
struggle for the possession, and tri-
umph OF the Holy Scriptures?
But the dead cities strung along the
Nile not only demolish intidelity, but
thunder down the absurdity of the
modern doctrine of evolution which
says the world started with nothing
and then rose, and human nature be-
gan with nothing but
EVOLVED INTO SPLENDID MANHOOD
and womanhood OF itself. Nay; the
sculpture of the world was more Won
derful in the days of Memphis and
Thebes and Carthage than IN the days
OF Boston and New York. Those
blocks OF stone weighing 800 tons high
W. II the wall at Karnac imply ma
chinery equal to, if not surprising the
machinery of the 10th century. How
was that statue of Rameses, weighing
eo7 tons, transported from the
quarries 200 miles away and how
was it lifted? Tell us, modern ma.
chinists. How were those galleries Of
rock, still standing at Thebes, filled
with paintings surpassed by no artist
pencil OF the present day? Tell US
artists OF the 18th century. The dead
cities OF E gypt, SO far as they have
left enough pillars or statues or sepul
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
OBITUARY..
A Short Sketch of Gen. Sherman's Public
Life.

A Short Sketch of Gen. Sherman's Public
Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman was
born at Lancaster, Ohio, Feb. s, 1920. He
was cadet at West Point from 1886 to
1910, when he was graduated and promoted
to second lieutenant of the Third artillery.
He served in the Florida war until 1892
lieutenant. In 1915 he went to California,
and was in the war with Mexico, being
breveted captain for meritorious conduct.
He served in various capacities in the
regular army until 1853, when he resigned
and embarked in the banking business at
San Francisco.
On the breaking out of the civil war he
was reappointed to the United States
army, May IA, 1861, with the rank of
colonel of the Thirteenth infantry, and
May II was appointed brigadier general of
volunteers and commanded brigade in
the first battle of Bull Run.
In the Tennessee and Mississippi cam
paign he commanded division: was
wounded in the battle of Shiloh. He was
in the advance in the siege of Corinth, and
was during that time promoted to major
general of volunteers. Two months later he
was made a brigadier general in the regu-
lar army. March II, 1864, he was placed
sippi. At Nashville he organized an army
of more than 100, 600 men, and with them
he invaded Georgia, where he met the Con
federate forces under Gen. j, E. John
ston, forcing them to evacuate Dalton,
Resaca, Cassyille and Dallas in rapid sue
cession, between May IL and %, and al
most daily thereafter engaged the enemy
until the occupation of Marietta. July 8.
In several subsequent engagements he de-
feated Gen. Hood before Atlanta the hard
est battle being fought July %, when the
siege of, Atlanta began. On Aug. 10 he
was made major. general in the regular
army. Aug. 81 the battle of Jonesboro
was fought and the night of Sept. GEN.
Hood evacuated Atlanta and Gen. Sher-
man took possession and occupied the city
until Nov. 16, when he began his memora-
BILE "march to the sea-" He reached Sa-
vannah Dec. IL and stormed and captured
Fort McA lister, and eight days thereafter
commenced his march into the Carolinas
and his course was unchecked until he
reached Washington, having Won every en-
gagement he was in. He reached Washing
ton Maya 1865, having marched 2. 600 miles
his efforts being universally successful
On July 20, 1866, he succeeded Gen. Grant
ps aeh1eaaa g general and on Aug, II took
In November and December Of that wear
ne was employed on special mission to
Mexico, After the election of Gen. Grant
TO the presidency and the consequent vaca-
tion Of the office of general of the armies
Of the United States by President Grant,
Lieut. Gen. Sherman was made general
March 4, 1862. In 1871, after nearly thirty
years, of active service in the army,
he obtained leave of absence for a
year, which time he spent in, travel
in Europe; On Feb. 8, 1884, Gen. Sherman
was placed on the retired list at his own
request; The last few years of his life were
passed in New York. In 1875 he published
two octave volumes, entitled "Memoirs of
Gen. w. I. Sherman, by Himself"
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
OUR DEAD HEROES.
GEN. SHERMAN AND ADMIRAL POR-
TER NOW NO MORE.

The Great Soldier Passed Peacefully
Away After Weeks Illness The
Naval Commander Died Without
Warning-Arrangemen for Sherman's
Funeral to Occur at New York Thurs
enlightenment at st. Louis with Mil
itary Honors. En-
NEW YORK, Feb. l4.-Gen. Sherman
died to-day Saturday at so p. m. His
end was peaceful-it could not have
been more so. He had been unconscious
all the morning, and had ceased to
struggle long before the coming of the
end.
The immediate carse of death was
said to be the filling of his lungs with
mucus, which he had not strength to
throw off.
He had fought so long as a particle of
strength remained, and even at the
close his iron will was not vanquished.
He was not ready to go until his son
"Tom," the Rev. Thomas Ewing Sher-
man, now speeding across the sea, had
come home to him. But death beckoned
and he had to go.
All the morning he lay dying, his
family grouped about his bed. His
struggles, which had been painful when
he returned to that semi-consciousness
which showed the proud, unconquered
spirit that still lived within him, were
pitifully weak now. With all hope gone
the family prayed only for speedy end.
For hours they stood grouped about the
bed watching and waiting for the end.
Several times it seemed as if it had
come, but once more the spirit struggled
back, and death was beaten off again.
But at ten minutes of there came a
change. The color and the look which
are noticeable only when death comes
suddenly spread over the drawn face,
and the nurse who had been bending
over him listening to the last faint fut-
tering of his heart quickly Strengthened
up and said,
HE Is Dead"
Then young Thomas Ewing left the
house and his appearance, even before
he spoke word, was the signal to those
| who waited without that all was over.
He FASTENED to the telegraph Office
around the corner, but the reporters
were before him and before he had
reached it the news of the generals
death was spreading far and wide over
the wires throughout the country.
Shortly after Secretary Barrett reached
the telegraph Office and sent messages
announcing the generals death to
President Harrison Saoratarv of State
Rusk. and many others. He could not
restrain his tears HE died like babe
falling asleep, he said "There was no
suffering, no pain. After 10 o'clock he
Jay motionless, and but the very slight
est respiration showed that life still
axiSta6H
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
GEN. SHERMAN'S ILLNESS.
A Brief Account Given by His Attending
Physician, DIR. Alexander.

A Brief Account Given by His Attending
Physician, DIR. Alexander.
DR.. G. T. Alexander gave the history
of Gen. Sherman's illness. The doctor
had been almost necessarily at the gen.
erals bedside from the time his illness
began, and he had not had more than
two hours sleep any day since Sunday.
The general, as is known, he said,
caught cold Wednesday a week ago:
The next day he attended a wedding
against the urgent advice of the mem
bers Of his family. On Friday I was
called in and found the general suffer
ing from a cold and sore throat, On
Saturday he felt so much better that he
wanted to keep an appointment he had
made for that day. On my advice,
however, he desisted and spent the day
playing cards. believe. with his family.
Erysipelas set in on Sunday. He was
Tightly that day, and on Monday he be-
came delirous. The erysipeias spread
over his face, and the 1ympathic glands
In his neck became swollen. Tuesday
he grew worse and applied treatment
for the erysipelas. Wednesday eame
and there was no change for the better,
but Gen. Sherman slightly rallied on
Thursday morning. His rally was not
such to insure even a faint hope of his
recovery. Friday was the turning point
for the patient. The erysipelas had
almost completely disappeared, but the
attack had left the general very much
weakened. His old complaint, bronchial
trouble and asthma, think, killed Gen.
Sherman. In his weakened condition
he was unable to throw off the mucus
which gathered. The mucus accumu-
lated, and the general was slowly
strangled to death. I think he suffered
greatly. There was always the quick
respiration, the gasp for breath, but he
bore every thing without d mnriaaf and
no one could be more heroic. Since
Tuesday we had practically abandoned
all hope of Gen. Shernan's recovery.
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
CONGRESSIONAL PROCEEDINGS.

Tuesday, Feb. 10.-Senate: Naval ap-
preparation bill considered, several COM
mittee amendments adopted, House:
Presidents veto of public building appro-
priation bill for Dallas, Tex, overruled;
legislative appropriation bill discussed.
Wednesday, Feb. 11.-Senate: Naval ap-
preparation bill passed; number of minor
bills passed. House: After routine bust.
ness went into committee Of the whole on
legislative appropriation bill and discussed
it till adjournment.
Thursday, Feb 12.-Senate: District of
House: Legislative appropriation bill CON
sidered till adjournment
Friday Feb. 13.-Resolution agreed to
permitting the senate committee on naval
affairs to investigate matters relating to
the. personnel of the navy. Amendment
to the copyright bill providing that for
eign editions of books copyrighted In the
United States may be imported on the
payment of regular duties agreed to.
House: Legislative appropriation bill
passed.
Saturday, Feb. 14.-Senate: Senate bill
passed appropriating $4,000 to enlarge
public building at Birmingham, Ala.
Consideration of copyright bill proceeded
with all amendments made in committees
voted on ard rejected. House. Senate
bill for bridge over st. Louis river be.
tween Minnesota and Wisconsin passed,
Both houses adjourned after passing reso-
buttons of sorrow on hearing of Gen. Sher-
mans death
Monday, Feb. 16.-Senate: Diplomatic
appropriation bill reported and amend.
ments agreed to. Senate then adjourned.
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
PROSPEROUS FARMERS,
MINNESOTA CAN AND SHOULD BE
THE SOlL-TILLER'S PARADISE.

To Be Successful Depend Upon Your
Own Efforts, Lose Little Time in Con-
sidering Visionary Schemes, and Apply
Industry and Common Sense in Equal
Parts. B"
The article which follows was pre-
pared by Mr.. F. I. Whitney, General
Passenger Agent Of the Great Northern
Railway, and read to the Minnesota
Editors and Publishers Association, in
st. Paul, Feb. 12. It is well worth care
full reading and study by every one, and
is of especial Importance and value to
the farmers of Minnesota:
One of the subjects to be discussed by
your association Is encouragement Of
immigration by the state. We are in
favor of encouraging immigration to
Minnesota because it has splendid re-
sources, a glorious and healthful eli
mate, a surface diversified with forests,
prairies, lakes and streams-not matched
for excellence in any other equal area in
America charming landscape, rich
mineral deposits, water power, quarries
of every kind. an abundance of building
material and fuel, two water ways to
the sea-one of the six states thus fa-
(Co on fourth page.
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
A MILITARY GUARD

On Duty at the Sherman Residence and
Will Remain Until After the Funeral.
New YORK, Feb. 16.-All day a
stream of humanity passed and repassed
the house in which the remains of Gen.
Sherman lay. From the windows OF
many of the generals late neighbors
foated the American flag at half mast
and in deep mourning.
Early in the morning the undertaken
arrived and completed the embalming
of the body. Many floral tributes were
sent to the house. From Colgate Hoyt
came spray of palms with draped
flag in the center. This was for the
casket of the dead hero, The military
guard from Governors Island was Oh
duty all day and will remain until the
body is removed. Four men were al
ways on duty and relays came on every
three hours. One man was stationed in
the death chamber while the others
stood guard in the hall below,
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19
QUAY'S EXPLANATION
GIVEN AT LAST IN THE UNITED
STATES SENATE.

Charges Against Him Emphatically De.
MED in Detail-His Reasons for the
Long misunderstanding of Con-
gress.
WASHINGTON, Feb. F.-In the senate
at 400 p. m. Senator Quay rose to a
question of privilege and desired to
make reply or REPUTATION Of some OF
the charges made against him through
the newspapers.
The field of the malign efforts, " said
Mr. Quay, rhave been the entire Union.
The assaults were of a character SO
monstrous as largely to carry with them
their own REPUTATION. Were it otherwise
| could not remain, nor could my con-
stituents permit me, to remain mem
Der of the senate.
: Partly through indifference to SLAM
der, a weapon which has never had q
place ~ my political arsenal. and partly
The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1891-02-19

examples of simple soldier1y obedience
to the civil law of self abnegation.
Washington, Grant, Sherman and Sher-
idan lead the list. Sherman was the
last of the illustrious trio, who were by
universal consent the foremost figures
in the armies of the Union in the late
war, Among the precious traditions
Ito pass into our history for the admira-
ton of the old and the instruction of the
young) was their friendship. their most
harmonious cooperation without a
shadow of ambition of pride. When
Gen. Grant was called to Washington
to take command of the armies of the
Union his great heart did not forget the
men who stood by him"
Here Mr.. Hawley read the letter from
Grant to Sherman, written at that time,
expressing thanks to him and McPher-
son, as the men, above all others, to
whom he owed his success, and Sher-
mans letter in reply, saying that Gen.
Grant did himself injustice and them
too much honor. Mr.. Hawley closed
his remarks, his voice frequently giving
way from grief and emotion, by reading
the following passages from Bunyan's
Pilgrims Progress:"
t.
Valiant-forTruth was taken with a sum-
mons. When he understood it he called
for his friends and told them of it. Then
said he: 1 am going to my fathers,
and though with great difficulty 1 got
hither, yet now do not repent me of all
the trouble have been at to arrive at
where l have been. The sword l give to
him that shall succeed me in my pilgrim
age, and my courage and skill to him that
can get them. My scars and marks I
carry with me to be a witness for me that
I have fought his battles who will now be
a rewarder." When the day that he must
go hence came many accompanied him to
the riverside, into which, as he went, he
said: death, where is thy sting?" and as
he went down deeper he said: "Grave,
where is thy victory?" So he passed over,
and all the trumpets sounded for him on
the other side.
Several other senators spoke feelingly
in praise of the dead hero, and then the
resolutions were adopted by a rising
vote and the senate adjourned,