Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1891-02-16

You can not tell which way train has
gone by the tracks it leaves.
Even an upright piano is capable of pro-
ducing downright bad music.
1t is the street car conductor who re-
members Lots wife. He never looks
back.
Cosmopolitan-An Italian hand organ
grinder playing 1.-The Marsetllaise" in
front of German saloon.
The old ladies may grumble, but at the
age of sixteen, woman's rights are way
ahead of those of manhood.
First Actor-Did you lead a fast life
when you were out West? Second Actor
Yes, had to go without eating nearly
all the time.
She-The Germans have prOverb that
'the wicked sing no songs He-Quite
right; their punishment consists in hav-
ing to listen.
Proud Parent (after giving his little son
Tommy lesson in Scripture history
And what came after the flood? Tommy
-PuddleS, pa.
A very concise verdict was that of a
coroner's jury in Idaho: We find that the
deceased came to his death by calling
Tom Watlings liar.
Fereuson-I saw you at the theater
Fenderson-I really don't know; 1 went
with theater party"
Mrs. Strict know your mother bro't
you up to respect old age. Miss Clipper
Yes, indeed; she didn't allow US to
laugh at an old joke.
Sunday -school teacher - Love thy
neighbor as myself" Who is ''thy neigh
bor?" Little girl = Please ma'am, the
folks as borrows from US.
A poet tenderly inquiries: "Where sleep
the brave?" The fact of the matter is the
brave don't sleep. They get up in the
morning early and start the fires.
Mrs. Doublehouse - Jake, our darter
wants a cabinet organ. Mr.. DOublehouse
Wall, I'll get her one. l don't like
them new neighbors of ours for cent.
A plain man in a prayer meeting of
church said, Brethren, we all want the
Lords way toprevail, but we all want to
be on the committee of ways and means"
Patron Cooking over bill of fare)-
Well, 1 don't care for beef, mutton, pork,
veal, or any of these things to-day. Have
you any game? Waiter-Yes, sab, clans.
There is a woman who has been mar
ried fifty years, and who had never miss
ed kindling the kitchen fire. Her hus-
band is probably the oldest fire escape on
record
Mrs Bunting Who was the violinist
who played at your reception, Mrs. Lar
kin? Mrs. Larkin-It wasn't a violinist at
all. 1t was viriuoso. Why, 1 had to
pay him $50
do you quarrel with your neighbor
yet about his hen coming over in your
garden?'' No; we're all over that now
buried the hen"
A story 1T hand, describing a love scene
between the hero and the heroine. says
He wooed her with a will That's u
good way, especially if the wOOer is old
and the will is in her favor.
Sign-painter-Now, MiSsus Johnsing,
what does yer want ter put on dis yer
sign? Missus Johnsing CATER IA moment
of deep thought)-I guess Coin out
scrubbin' done in here will do.
s'I am sorry to learn your mother is i'll, -
said the sYmpathizing teacher to the little
girl who had come in late. Is she sick
abed?" mot quite" replied the truthful
child. ''Shes just sick a-sofa.''
$50 you would not take me to be TWEEN
tyr" said young lady to her partner,
while dancing the polka few evenings
ago. "What would you take me for them"
'-For better or for worse" replied he.
ssStop, Charlie, don't ask me. I've al
SyaFs regarded you as good joke, that's
ALL" said the fair maiden. ''Well, 1 tell
you what" returned Charlie, YOU'D bet
ter snap me right up Good jokes are
hard to sDd nowadays"
She had sent of telegram, and was
waiting for an answer. Suddenly, the pc
.culiar halting click of the receiving ma
chine sounded in the office; and she said
TO her companion, That's from George,
i know can tell his stutter."
A young lady who prided herself on
her geography, seeing a candle aslant, re-
marked that it reminded her of the''Lean-
ing Tower of Pisa" Yes responded
wag, with this difference that is tow
.er in Italy. while thisis tower in grease.