The record-union., 1891-01-11

| es, yes, SAID the skipper, looking at
ms Wlfe, let us eat, mother. And then,
! father, how much happier would 1 and
mother be If we were home with the chill
dren." A. p. DUNLAP
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.
An eastern Kentucky man calls his
wife ''Old Lace,' because she has ruined
her health with tight corset-Ne,o York
| Herald.
Edward Bellamy has earned S16, 900 by
Looking Backward" This is better
than Lots wife, who merely earned her
salt.-Hor1ord Post
Mr. Duniy-"i always move about in
the best society" Mr.. Maytlower-''Tu-
deed?" Mr.. Dunly = Eyes; I am the
agent of "a debt collecting institution"
Wickwire-'Goingt to hear the lecture
tonight on The Young Woman of To-
day?'" Gabsley-'Guess not. The
young woman of tonight is more in
teresting to me."-Ierre Iamtc Express.
Father-'Why don't you work ?''
Son--"Why, l am as busy as bee"
Father-'Y ou do nothing but eat.'' Son
Well, that is all the bees are doing just
now"
Sniggins (angrily) )-''Do you know that
your chickens come over into my yard?''
Snooks-"I supposed that they did, for
they never come back again."-Nea0 York
! Herald.
II love to sit before the blazing fire and
watch the figures in the flame" E.Nhell, -
said Isaacs, .dher pleasure ohf dot de-
York san.
u bought my wife a bonnet to-day
said Bellows, that only cost S5, and my
wife was overjoyed at it, That's $
strange, isn't it?" Not at ali; you see
told her it cost S50.''
Pat Ito parrot who has just finished
whstllng COG Save the Queen''-'sBo-
gorra, it's good thing ye hev green fifth
ers on yez; ii yer was canary, I'd twist
yer nick fer yez.'-LJe.
Would you want to marry man with
a title?" asked Mildred OF Ethel "Oh, 1
don't know; if he had title to several
/ good blocks of business property,
shouldn't mind. - WdShingto,s Post.
Aristocrat-e''My ancestors, sir, took
part in the Crusades.'' Hebrew And
my ancestors, sir, loaned your ancestors
the money which enabled them to join
the Crusades. p Bertiaer Tcge6taa.
Maria, | have come to ask you for your
hand-l-" You ask for a great deal,
Mr.. Smithers." '.On the contrary, it is
such very little one that 1T is
yours, George dear. r."-Neao York Sun.
oldboy-'.Young man, don't try to
1 "
bottom and work up" Fiippant Youth
-"That's all right if you want to climb a
ladder, but what if you want to dig a
well 2''-Ligh.
do the physicians travel in the sum
mer because the health of the city is good
or is the health OF the city so good because
| The physicians are on their travels?n We
don't dare to ask about the clergymen.--
Fdegc1,de Blottcr.
''fhe difference between a monarchy
and our glorious republic" quoted Cyni-
Gus, lis herein a monarchy the crown
is handed down from one generation to
another; here we pass around the hat. p
NeW York Herald.
Wife-"What is the difference between
the words induced and compelled p"
| Husband There is a great deal of diff
ference. For instance, man who is in
! duced to marry a woman is compelled to
live with her afterward."
Johnny (as his father ushers in Mr..
! Glib, the latter having just removed his
hat, revealing as he did so, a highly pol
lshed crown)-"Oh, pa! now | know why
you always call MIR. Glib "a slippery old
fellow .''-BoStoa Courier.
Sanso-"What was the population of
| the earth at the time of the flood ?n
Rodd-"It is hard to say. You see, it
was impossible to have an accurate cen
sus, owing to the extent of the floating
population. ."-Horper's Bazaar.
Wife (reading paper)-"I always held
that Col. Hooker was an honest man. 1
see that man filled him full of buckshot
! last night" Observation-Disclosures does the
honest part come in?" "Why, the article
says the colonel returned the Shot. .''-Life
Indignant Maiden-''Sir, if you attempt
to kiss me Ill call my 1nother.n indie
pendent Young Man-"If you call your
mother. I'll kiss her too.'' Maiden mo
longer indignant)-'Yo will, eh? Well,
don't you think we can get along without
her?''
"Hullo Pat; hear yer workin'. How's
half tonne down to the coal yards. Half
loaf is better'n none.' "Mabbe it is.
But ye see, me boy, I'd rather loaf all the
tonne Good day to ye, .'-NeaO York
/ Tribune.
81 see Miss Fluvow has taken to the
stage. What part does the young as
! pirant assume?" Frenchman with linn
tied English vocabnlaryJ--.sWhat duz ze
mean ~ Il mean what part does she
take off?" ''She takes off everythinps !:
| she is in re ballet"
There, there, Charles,n said Ethel.
don't scold the cabman any longer.p
Why said Charles, Il was only giving
him what no deserved-a piece of my
mind" Yes, / know, DEAR replied
Ethel, ''but you know we can't afford to
$50 extravagant.'- Chicago Times.
| Brown-''Tell me, co you think that
Hobbs ever says what isn't exactly true %
| Fogg-''Well, | should not like TO charge
Hobbs with untruthfulness; but if lie
himself believes one-hundreth part of the
stories hetells, he must be the most cred
ulous man alive" e."-Boston Transcript.
"Oh, no,'' said the giddy young woman.
Il never expect to adopt music as a pro-
1ession; | merely make it means OF
/ killing time" II have no doubt re-
piled the unenviable old gentleman. that
in your hands the weapon proves as eff
! fective as could be desired. - jVostsplotoa
| Post.
The nights come very early now,
And all of us remember
That days are at their shortest
In The month of chill December
But their shortness isn't 'ill it''
With the ShOrtneSS of the men
| Who'ye been buying Christmas preceuts
For families OF ten.
Architect-''Now, in this hall think it
would be very pretty TO have nine inches
in which we will place the statues of the
nine Muses. Mr.. Mushrooni-"Y Yes.
that sounds all right. The idea is similar
to the one suggested to Upstart. He has
nine Muses. in his hall. We'll, give me
an even dozen, then. Upstart amt going
| to get the best o. me.''-Anterica.
Tourist-'Do you believe in the efficacy
! m hot