Telegram-herald., 1891-04-17

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Next, We shall hear Of some dear old
Senator who, seeking to guard the seclu-
sion Of the female leg. will introduce q
to gaze upon . woman's leg as 1t is re-
vealed TO him upon the avenue Of rainy
or muddy day. He will constitute il as .
misdemeanor for . man TO cross a sloppy
crossing behind . lady. It will be an
other misdemeanor TO walk up the avenue
Of . windy day when there arc women
taking their constitutionals upon that
thoroughfare. And 1t will be made a
felony for any one be he man, woman
or child TO gaze from club windows over
looking any corner difficult to pass when
the elements are boisterous
There Is another clause in the bill
which, il analysed, shows the nicely Of
thought which may at times ind access
to the masculine mind. Mark what it is:
$50 that the shape and form of her neither
limb or limbs are plainly visible" Plainly
visible.
This distinction involves . little ques-
ton Of eyesight. Things that are plainly
visible TO you and me, may not be plainly
visible to our next door neighbor, unless
be has his lorgnettes. We may be able
to see clearly with the naked ere. He
sees, as through . glass, darkly, unless he
puts on bis "eyeglaws." A mote or .
beam may obstruct ono mans sight, SO
that . woman seems to locomote along
as upon two wheels. To another she
looks as IL she propelled herself not un-
like a man.
The physiological fact that eyesight
varies may lead to legal restrictions and
requirements not unlike those which gov
ern applicants for admission to army and
navy positions.
Aman, on entering the thester In Min
nesota, should the Hale bill pass, will bear
upon his person a certificate reading
somewhat like one Of these:
Name-Marmaduke Missnancy
Eycsight-Myopic. Figures on stage
not plainly visible, even from front row,
unless he wears his eye-glass.
Directions-Seat him anywhere In the
house. Confscats his eye-glass. Hire
him no lorgnettes. Perfectly safe with
out them.
Another certificate will read.
Name-Augustus Ahthere.
Eyesight-Perfect. Can see anywhere.
Eyes are better than Sam Weller's, for
they are capable of acting as ''pair o.
patent double million mignifyin' gas
microscopes of hextra power"
Directions-Put green gig-lamps upon
him, and, thus handicapped, seat him
whore he cannot cast side chances at the
stage.
Another win read:
Nane-Boresoms Balloon
Eyesight-0ons, but subject to sudden
spasms OF returning life.
Dircctions-Seat him in tho front row,
but set an usher to watch him. Should
q spasm illumine his countenance or q
thrill of Joy seem to chase itself across
him, clap dinners upon him and let the
bouncer be called.
Armed with regulations, requirements
and restrictions such a. these tho stage
would be reasonably free from contami-
mating influences and the audience
would have . chance 70 grow large crop
Of Comstockian morality.
Questions Of bribery might and would
arise. The oculists might by promise Of
cleaning dollars, DO led to declare an
eye-sight poorer than 1t really was. But
the courts would deal severely with such
cases No bald-headed men would be
allowed upon any Of the juries because the
press has created a prejudice against them
and it is feared that in question involv-
ing the front row Of orchestra chairs, q
bald headed juryman might be unduly In
duenced. CARRIE CAkEIEss-