davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01
A GOOD MANY WIVES.

GOOD MANY WIVES.
Colonel Robert G. Ingersoll, the great
agnostic, is apt in stories, and some of
them have become famous. He is never
at loss for good story to illustrate any
goint. Not long ago group of gentlemen,
in which the colonel was the central fig
ure, were discussing people who have a
knack OF saying the right thing at the
wrong time. The Colonel said: 81
can illustrate that by relating q
case in point, which occurred in a
Western state. A well-to-do merchant.
Mr. thompson, living in town noted for
its malaria and funerals. whenever his
wife died would go into an adjoining
county and marry again. He had married
his fourth wife and taken her to the ma
larial town to enjoy quinine and domestic
felicity when. as the novelists say, this
story begins. A loquacious LADY in the
healthy county was in the habit Of assist
ing Mr.. Thompson to find some eligible
young woman willing to marry him and
take her chances. Some six months after
he married his fourth wife he appeared
again In the healthy county The looua-
cious lady. greeted him and said:
:. .Ss Is your wife. Mr.. Thompson?'
What, dead again!' cried the looua-
cious woman, in surprise
BILL NYEs HOTEL EXPERIENCE.
Bill Nye tells good many funny stories.
but ne considers the following his best.
because it is true and happened to him.
self.
Il was transforming once in a small
town in Texas, and went to the LEADING
hotel for dinner. The larder Contained
only tough piece of steak. so / had that
and cup of bootleg coffee. When she
biilIwas handed me asked the proprietor
VINO was also waiter and cashier, how
much / owed him. ~"
Two dollars!' was the calm replv
Two dollars, l said, what forY,
For steak and coffee
But that is outrageous answered
can get . really good steak and coffee
ana other things too, in New York for
much?, 81
..Weli; to tell you the truth, need the
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01

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The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01

Yes. said the farmer, suppressing
smile.
rs that all you have to say9 Do you
know whom that bull was chasing?'
You, / guess
DO you know who am, sir? l am
General Blank
.s.Wall, why didn't you tell the bull
that?' CURLY retorted the farmer"
BLAINE AND THE FREE TICKET NAN.
James G. Blaine is fond of splicing con-
versation with a story. This is one that
he has made do duty more than once.
"a man accepted free ticket to q thea-
ter. The play was not good one, and the
actors were thoroughly in accord with the
standard of the play. At the end of the
first act there were groans and Kisses and
other vehement expressions of disapproyal
on the part of the audience. The free
ticket man safe still and seemed satisfied.
When the second act began. it proved to be
worse than the first and nearly every one
in the audience groaned their utter dis
gust, except the free ticket man. Finally
. man who sat near the free ticket man
said:
play2'
eyes; very much
Then why the deuce don't you groan
and hissf'
"T can't do it decently. am here on a
free ticket given by the head of the theatre
cal company. If the play grows worse
will 60 out after the next act, buy ticket
and come back and express my disapproval
In q vehement way"
GOOD ONE BY CLEVELAND.
When Grover Cleveland was governor he
was fond of telling humorous stories to
illustrate point. It is said he got off q
good thing on . certain eI-assembiyman
who dropped in to see him about the time
the newspapers were exposing the job in
the contract for putting in new ceiling in
the Albany capitol. 1t appears that all
during the days of Boss Tweed this ex-as-
semhlyman was in the lower House. and
fought against jobbery and against the
boss" Mr.. Cleveland was listening TO
the comments of the ex-assemblyman
about the substitution of a papier-mache
ceiling for an oaken one, when all st once.
with smile on his face, he interrupted his
visitor thusly.
What is the difference between the as
eemhly now and when you were a men,
Der pa
I'VE were ruled by, Democratic boss
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01
GREAT MEMS STORIES.
A Rib Tickling Tournament BY
Famous Americans.
HARRIson's HOG ANEcDoTE.


The most novel symposium ever printed
b the following collection Of good stories
told by famous Americans. stories that
lose much IN being read, instead Of being
heard, but rib-ticklen nevertheless. The
gentlemen who tell these stories. and con-
vulse their hearers, have many other
stories that they tell nrst, and in case they
do not cause the hilarity expected, the
speakers reputation - wit is staked on
the stories annexed. Each story, as told,
is the best In the gentleman's repertoire.
as the saucy soubrette would put it. and
they never fail to bring forth showers Of
laughter.
HAR1IsoH TELLS A HOG STORY.
President Harrison very seldom INDUCES
In joke or story, unless he knows his
hearers well. One day he surprised his
hearers by telling the following story to IL
lustrate point:
There was . man who had way Of
taking his own adyice and doing things to
get even. He was . hog dealer. and one
season he drove large number Of hogs to
Indianapolis, q distance of 100 miles from
his home. although he was told he could
get nearly as much for them at q town
nearer. Arriving at Indianapolis, he
found that the price of hogs had gone
down. He kept them in the city nearly .
month, and finally was offered higher
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01

price than he could get nearer home. He
wanted high price, and declared he
would drive the hogs back home, which he
did at q considerable cost. Then he sold
than that offered in the city. One of his
friends asked him why he had acted SO
unwisely.
az wanted to get even with those city
hog buyers be replied.
But did you get even?'
well, they didn't get my hogs
.,.ns Wnss; pray did you get out Of the
"sGet! Why, bless your thick-skulled
head, ! got the society of the hogs back
home!
vrcx-PREsrpESr MoRroS's BULL STORY.
Vice President Morton now and then
perpetrates joke or story by way Of illus
tration upon his listeners. He knows it
well by heart before he begins.
"Not far from where live in the country
there Is farmer noted for his fine, large
cattle. Durhams and Attorneys roam
over his extensive lands, and people come
from long distance TO view his stock.
walking around alone in the clover
fields on account of the num-
Der Of ferocious bulls owned by
the farmer. A certain msjor general, who
was very proud Of his title, visited neigh
Dor Of the farmer. and ono day he strolled
out and began to cut across the clover
fields In order to save little distance. Be.
fore he knew what was up, big bull, bel
lowing and shaking his head, began to
chase him. The general was swift run.
ner, and he made good time in front OF
the pursuing animal. But the animal was
swift, too, and every time the general
would get near a fence the bull was too
close for him to even attempt to climb
over. At last the general made line for
q gate near the farmers house, and reach.
ing it in time shut off the bull from fur.
Their pursuit. The farmer, IL seems, was
there and had witnessed the chase. The
general, all out of breath, said between
gasps
".sir-sir, did you see your bull chasing
mop
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01

eddy thousands of families in Paris, which,
for all its movement, live in complete
dizziness not to be exceeded in any part of
the provinces; and thus it is fair to say
there are thousands of families in the
provinces who live just as people do in
Paris.
There are two very strongly contrasted
opinions Of French women. There is the
opinion of French women which is given
out by their own novelists. These writer's
are pretty web understood, however, to
disport themselves in realm of pure
fancy.
They deal with the dissolute married
women because the doings Of the honest
woman are not exciting enough. 1t is a
kind Of convention in French novels that
the women should be bad, just as it was
convention that there should be an irasci-
BILE, equity guardian in the old English
comedies or benevolent uncle in those of
Goldini. This naturally produces an un-
fortunate impression abroad, for which
In Bourget and Daudet, the two strongest
of the moderns, who profess to devote
themselves to the truth with especial
zeal, there is no evidence of a change
in this practice. One has just been
considering whether woman can love
two men, and the other whether a
man can love two women at the same
time. The philosophizing abont this prob
lem has very rare and profound air, but
ala bonnie heurei is not comparatively
easy one? Why not give us the psychol-
ogy of Solomon. who found he could love
200 wives and 800 concubines?
On the other hand. there is the opinion,
not infrequently heard among those who
pride themselves on having gone below
the surface. "Oh, the French men, the
DaeR!-but the women, they are saints
This way of thinking is shared even by
some Of the French. recall the novel of
well-known woman writer in which the
very charming heroine is SO out of conceit
chose to marry an American for his UNI
Likeness to them.
Now this can hardly b 20. There neyer
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01

time. One fine morning Jim was absent,
and his employer went to his old fathers
house and asked for the boy. The father
said:
Boss, you cant have Jim any more
Why, what's the matter7 will have
him.
.'oh, no. Boss, you KANT hey JIM
We'll, why can't =
Kase he's dead.
An ESGLIsHMAr COULDN'T SEE II.
Little Marshall r. Wilder, the famous
merrymaker, 10 perennial and has hui
morous skit for every hour Of the day.
This is one Of his latest. illustrative of an
Engiishman's appreciation Of humor.
II have been in England and have
studied English humor. It's fundamental
principles are not related to the American
article that raises . cyclone Of laughter.
An Engiishman was dining at swell hotel
out West, and after he finished his regular
dinner, he asked for sweets. A waiter
from the Bowery had gone West for em-
ployment and was waiting on the particu-
lar table at which the Englishman sat.
; And plat is sweets, sur r asked the
waiter.
"The Englishman finally explained that
he meant dessert, buildings, etc.
1--WE ave apple and mince pie, said the
Bowery man.
Give me mince pie.
whats der matter wild der apple pie3'
asked the waiter, in hard, I-don't-care-a-
continental tone of voice. Many heard
the remark and laughed.
AN hour later, happened to meet the
Englishman, and he asked me il heard
the waiter ask him what was the matter
with the apple pie. I said Yes Then
the Englishnian naively asked me:
"'Well, what was the matter with the
apple pier
GOVERNOR HILLS sroRY or TWO EHGLIsHMEz.
Governor Hill is good story-teller. Two
Englishmen who had been bosom friends
came to America. They met with poor
success, drifted apart and finally one took
aposition as waiter in q cheap restaurant.
He hadn't been there long before his friend
appeared, at the dinner. The meeting was
not over-ioyful.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-03-01


Ell? Gracious, how you have fallen! And
In Bowery restaurant, too!'
Eyes" replied the waiter, turning on his
friend, sarcastically, 'but don't eat here,
thank God!
wANAMAKER's REBUKE.
Postmaster-GeneralJ John Wanamaker is
given to illustrating his conversation with
pointed stories. Qaee he rebuked some of
his Sunday-school boys for laughing at q
deaf boys mistake in answering misun-
derstood questions, and related this story:
"Now, little boys, it is not right to laugh
or make sport of affection. / knew of
deaf man once who was disposed to be par
simonious. He was fond of society and a
confirmed bachelor. He gave a banquet to
some young ladies and young gentlemen,
will call the bachelor Brown. When the
banquet was nearly over. one of the bold
est of the young men arose to toast Mr..
Brown. The latter stood up, all smiles,
but he could not hear word that was
spoken. He only knew it was about him
that the toast was being said. The young
scapegoat said:
"'Here is to You, you old miser, Brown.
You are no better than q tramp and it is
suspected that you make your money dis-
honestly. My wish is that you may get
your just deserts yet and land in the peni-
tertiary.
1.-THE deaf Mr.. Brown smiled. raised his
glass to his lips, and said: 'Thesame to
you.'"
TRAMP STORY BIZ GENERAL PORTER.
General Horace Porter is a noted after
dinner speaker, and has a fund of anec-
dotes and humorous incidents. Here is
one Of his stories:
Lady, to Boston tramp: And now
you want something to eat?'
Boston tramp: Yes, lady, yon are
religiously correct in your surmise"
Lady: Did you saw that wood?'
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

A well known local entomologist
shot a male king bird IN this vicinity,
and on picking It up was surprised to
find a strange looking beetle crawling
out bf IT, mouth This gave the gen
tleman an idea, and on SHINING the
bird. preparatory to mounting, be took
particular pains not 70 iniurc the gin
fard. On opening this be found eS-
actly what he thought he would-a
mate for tho beetle. '"fhe fact that !
found one beetle heretofore supposed
TO be "A stranger TO this locality led mo
to think that perhaps the birl had
caught both the male and the female.
and I was right.
"This curious Incident shows how
little i known even Of tho fauna Of our
own ncighborhood Hero have been
studying beetles for twenty years past,
and have handled IN that time more
than 1000 species, yet In this strange
manner. and at time when least eS.
pcctcd u, a now species falls directly
into my hands This also shows the
variety Of food eaten by the king biri,
one u whose favoritc morsels IL the
common honey boz. These L dovous
90 such an extent that Il has become a
nuisance 10 boekocpcr-, who know Il as
the 'bcc bird or eagle fighter '"--Cin.
cinnat Times star
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

RI. Dean, Of London, England,
who spent some time In New Zealand,
Samoa. and New Guinea. says that
among the curious thing In Now
Guinea l. man catcher This lnstri.
ment consists Of strong wand. about
one hAli ah inch thick and about
twelve foot long. This ROD ls bent
double ~ 49, 10 leave a loop, fifteen
inches In diameter, open at one end.
A spear Is fastened TO the handle 20
that the spear bead projects into tho
loop. Tho spear Is 81 wood. and {. very
hard and tough When tho warriors
Of New Guinea go TO battle they carry
this terrible weapon with them.
A. their enemies begin 20 run thoy
follow them and throw the loop over
the head " tho pursued Tho shock
throws the victim back upon the spca[
head, which picvcs tho unfortunate
mans mock, and In nearly every cnsc
Instantly kills him. Tho victor then
cuts OIL tho dead mans head and car.
rics Il home, for tho warrior i Judged
according 30 the number Of heads 10
can show Tho natives show a grcat
deal Of ability Ia making their weapons,
aud use pieces 81 iron. glass aud stone
for spear points st Paul Pioneer.
Press
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

A story Of Ella Wheeler Wilcox,
which Il too good TO Iumbcr. ani
which Mn. Wilcox tells herself, i Of
hof call not long ago upon an uptown
Motor In Whose parish book sho desired
10 enroll the name 81 a needy woman,
proioge Of hers Tho reverend gym.
tlcinan received her request fnvombly,
and opening the register, asked, Ms no
brgan 10 write, who Il wns that rccom
mcndod tl,' somp.trss My name l.
Wilcox" replied his visitor. "Ella
Whcclcr Wilcox
"Ah," commented tho clergyman. "a
do not remember 10 have heard Of
YOU
Mn. Wilcox laughed. Really, 4" sho
said, II think you arc tho only man
la New York who las not"
The rector smiled IN his turn, aud
coming TO the mort question continued.
and TO whom do you refer, Mrs. WI
coxT
'Slr," replied the lady. with lmprcs.
slve dignity, ~ Toior 10 tho whole
ld.'-New York Times
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10
A sr.nl.h.Am.rls.n n.In,..

"rho most delicious thing ever ate
was roast monkey" said drummer at
tho Anderson who occasionally takes a
trip through the tropics Talk about
chicken and turkey. or even canvas
back duck, they arc not equal Ia flavor
or tenderness 10 young monkey. Tho
natives In Spanish America aro very
fond Of them, and thoy never hesitate
about eating them. They scoop out
holes In the ground and make a small
bake oven In which they roast them.
Sometimes the animal Is boiled, but no
matter how prepared tho meat Is al.
ways n palatablo dish" Pittsburg
Dlspatch.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

One o. the mllllonalrcs Of this town,
who u a sociablo clubman as vol a.
shwwd and successful banker came
hero nearly iifiy years ago from vrr.
mont lie was a poor boy. with plenty
Of strength and energy. Tho highest
aim Of hl- ambition then was 20 accu.
mulaio $4,000, 20 back 10 Vermont.
buy farm and live thcrc tho rcmAln.
der Of his lilo. lie was able to buy his
coveted farm In Vermont many years
ago, but Instead Of being conicnied 10
live on H. he can barely lind time 10
spend few weeks each summer thcrn.
Aloady worth a million or moro. no
finds his chief pleasure Ia dolving for
moro money In this great elty.-New
York Times
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

Among tho practical questions con.
necicd with tho subject Of contagious
diseases " ono which relates 10 tho
length Of tho period Of special exposure.
Tho Boston Medical and Surgical Jour.
nal says that tho contagiou,ncss 0f
measles, mump. and whooping cough
disappears with the patients recovery
that there Is probably TO danger Of his
conveying tho disease TO others Tor
about week after ho himself was ct.
posed to it-'that Is To say. during tho
~ called period Of incubation; aud
that tho coniaglousnoss Of measles does
not extend beyond fortnight.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

A distinguished professor Of the College
Of Physicians and Surgeons gives the fol.
lowing a. tho Law Of psrirc, health, beauty
and longevity fof wlmeni Eat frrsh Aul.
NAL food THREE tins. day, aud as much
brad, crushed wheat. potatoes, rice. eggs,
etc, a. possible Iiotwcen the different
moib and on rruriug At ight drink a slas.
Of MUS u thin, Or a cup of beef tea or
broth II yun am stout
Every night and mornlng take n warm
tponfp bath Ia water Ia which about q
Tablespoonful of salt IN the basin has bcen
dissolved. Amer thu bath brisk rub with
a coarse towel, exercise ten minutes hriskly
With dumbbrlls oF la any way you cnloy,
breathing deeply aud freely. Sleep nino
houn A. night aud ona Ia the middle VI the
DAY. aud wear loo.a clolAlngn
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

Tho query, "ls u deep cover over tho
brood frames Gay from 0 20 0 inchesl
more desirable than ono having just q
bce space thcnoT was yarlously answered
by prominent apiariaus Ia a recent issue
Of The American Bee Journal Some
said yes and some slil no. Professor
Cook replied "lt Is better In the spring,
IA We can pack warmly above tho bees.
AZ other times soe no advantage. OF
couno VIZ should use q shaluboard IN
midsummer" The editor said; "rhe
question Is too indefinite to answer in.
diligently There are times and cir.
cumstancos when space over tho brood
frames could DO utilized adyantagcously,
even though IL Il not generally thought
advisable - have II THEM. Particularly
IN spring, or IN winter, Tor protection, II
they remain out OF doors"
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

Struggle 81 nidei. the rsmo.s Lion Train
.r with Ms African, suitaa.

Struggle Of uldei the fsnous Lion Train
r.wlth ~, African. suitsa.
The professional career Of Bidel, the
famous lion trainer, was one Of won.
dcrful courage. forco and perseverance,.
II was characteristic Of the man that
when great physical exertion became
impossible 30 him. lie devoted his ener.
gies to forming n mutual aid associa.
hon among men Of callings similar 10
hls own Tho beginning Of tho end Of
Bidcl's practice Of his profession was n
terrible struggle with HE African lion
Sultan. Of which he gives n thrilling
description In his autobiography.
"After my performance at Neuilly,H
he says. "my wife and were TO drive
10 Asnieros and take possession Of our
house there. I. who had started with
80 little. was 70 rcalilc one n my dear
est dreams was 10 cease 10 be- n
wandercr. and 10 possess nj last home
Of my own. longcd for the evening
10 pass Tho performance would last
loss than an hour"
But tho most perilous moments of
Bidels life were 10 intervene before he
started for Asnlcrcs llc entered tho
cage ~ usual. The nrst, second, third
and fourth lions and two white bcas
were brought forward. then returned
10 their cages and h. was left face 20
fneo with Snltnn Sultan was never
good humorcd
'rhl. evening" writes tho trainer.
~ saw NJ once that ho wns uncofn.
monty savage. A. usual presented
tho gate. lIo crouchod In a corner,
refusing 10 leap
II cnckod my whip Ito rrowlei.
! continued to urgc him. llc growicd
more hngrily. showed biz teeth. and
dashed the air with his tail suddenly
WIS soile1 with an intolerably sharp
twinsc Of rheumatism. Ny icft leg
tortured me What should I do-ro.
trcati I did not consider Il for mo.
mcnt should fight took stop
forward Another sharp pain scirod
me. bent my left knee, aud ! fell
'Thcn doubted no, that Il was m
over with me. Tho tanner fallen l. tho
tamer conquered. With one bound
Sultan waa upon me. his heavy paw on
my chest. cutting my no,h, scratching
my face. tearing me ala no, cry
out ! know the necessity Of being
calm, tho slightest false movement aud
I v,us Loaf Tho laast tvaa uauflug with
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-07-10

Womsn appear 70 L. making great prog
~. In many directions in Australia. aud
u ia not 10 b. wondered ~, seeing that tho
tact, the niccty aud The social discretion
which arr tho distinguishing character
lsiics u the s.K ilHd thoFu such Geld for
sxeniss. lady Martin, the widow u =
judFs In sydney, Il the daughter u the late
"hnly Durg,' convict. who Ia biz day
was calculated, and who. long after be- hal
hsCome rich aud respectable. could not up
braid bis culehmhn without the lhtirfs
turning on bin With, "why, slr, I once
went 10 zee you hung You were uprioycd
only Just In time "
A highly respected Australian. Mf. Dal.
~, y memorial 20 whom WIS recently IN.
,cilcl Ia tho crypt Of st pani's. London.
wHs eontiots son and married con.
ncta daughter, AMI our Of Sydney. lead.
Ing lawyer. u the son ~ LADY, now dead.
whn went out ~ . Rel Rover girl The
ladies" by the way, who wrrr shlprsd In
the lis.i Rover murdered the ships dncior
on the way out 70 that. taking one thlng
with another, considering how careful one
has " b. Ia one. talk and what blunder.
INK speeches men must ~ always making.
~ not surprising women come tothe frunt
In Australia. Now York Commercial "A,
Nertlsrr