The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1891-06-05
WIT AND IIUMoR.

A billiardist uses chalk on his cue.
A fine lady uses it on her cuticle.-Neso
Orleans Picdgune.
She-'You were at college. were you
notPn He-..Yes.n Shea. B. ?"
He No. G. B."-Harvard Lanapooss.
There are three things that beat a
drum for uoise-one is small boy and
the other two are drumsticks.-Eta
Gazette.
A good many of our so called
..swells'' young men have nothing
about them to merit that title but their
heads.-St. Joseph Nescs.
Help a man out of hole once and
he may forget you when he is out. but
he will not fail to call on you the next
time he falls in.-dtchiSon GLOBE.
Victim-..Doctor, I'm troubled with
cold feet. What do you suppose causes
themP" Doctor-..Cold weather. One
dollar. pleaser'-Bst6alo Express.
Tenor Miss Soprano who sang in
church this morning, has very clear
voice. Is it naturalp" Basso-.Noi
tits choired. ."-Harpard Ldmpoon.
Il thought you told me your father
was a retired merchant" SO he is.
When the Sheriff took possession he
had to retire. " Indianapolis Journal.
De Mascus-..Is it true that Jaily is
off on blow out?n st. Agedore-
Partly true. yes. He's dead" 'HowP"
BLEW out the gas. Joseph Nesos.
Tom = Come what may, shall
never marry woman who isn't my
superior intellectually" Jack-'tI wish
could get wife as easy as you can"
Yankee Blade.
First Yale Man Harvard has Just
secured a fossil ten thousand years
DID," Second Yale Man-.'Which pro-
fessorship has it been appointed toe"-
Brooklyn Life.
Coehran-.I suppose your name on
this umbrella Indicates that it belongs
to you?" Gilroy-..Which, the name or
the umbrella?" Cochran-"The name,
of course. Puck.
Miss Angy New-'Miss Oldun told
me that she was afraid of the dark"
Miss Vera Cutting-''That's strange.
should think she would be more afraid
of the light. Puck.
Tommie-.Papa. why do they cali
very rich men millionaires2h Papa
That refers to the number of poor re-
latives who rise up to contest their
wills"-M Y. Herald
There is only one sudden death
among women to every eight among
men. But then it's only u minority of
women who use the telephone constant
ly.-St. Joseph Nescs-
A flying machine is being exhibited
in Chicago. Up to date there has been
no sort of use in keeping the ..f' stand
ing at the beginning of its name.-Shoe
aud Leather Reporter.
In Darkest New York: why do
81 a fol-.
from him before locking him in a cell
at the police station?" $50 as to pre-
vent him buying his way out. t.n-Pnck.
What became of that Samuels girl
that Potterby was flirting with last
summer?" You mean the cir. that
Potterby thought he was flirting with.
She married him. Indianapolis Jour
nal
How pleasant that lady looks! She
seems perfectly happy" Yes; she
must either have found pure religion in
her own heart or the seeds of sin in the
heart of one of her neighbors. ~ Boston
Transcript.
Why. you poor malarial mortal.
youi | thought you told me your
average health was good?n SO did.
l run to chills one day and fever the
next. The average is normal Nam
sey's Heekty-
The groundhog is the most knowing
weather prophet of the entire crowd.
He has sense enough to crawl into his
hole when he predicts an insiallment
of bad weather. The others haven't
NoTTistorcss Herald.
A wealthy man was asked not long
ago to subscribe to a worthy charity.
Il should like to contribute said he.
sal1 &, 4,
earning a cent.and / really can't afford
it.f-BoSton Traveller.
Young Housekeeper (to butcher) =
You may send a nice piece of roast
beef Butcher : Yes, maam."
Young Housekeeper And have it
very rare, please; my husband prefers
it that way. ."-Harper's Bdzar.
Farmer Peastraw-"Well. son. what
did you learn at eollegeP'' Son-'I
learned TO fence, for one thing"
Farmer Peastraw-''That's good; I'll
get some nails tomorrow. and we'll
have bout.-Jfunseys Weekly.
is your nephew practicing physi-
clan, Mrs. McGuelley?" asked her visit
ing neighbor. Yes, l b'lieve he is
praeticing just at present but he has
as good show for learning as the
most of them. - Washington Post.
Now. we will suppose that one cab
driver goes eight miles an hour, and
that another one who can go only six
miles an hour has three hours the start
of him. Where will they meetP" AT
the ale-house. ."--F2tegeasde Blatter.
Stokes-"lf we could see into the
hearts of our best friends 1 fear we
should be shocked at the depravity we
saw there" Styles-"I don't know.
Perhaps we'd feel unhappy to find our
friends not SO bad as we thought they
were. Boston Transcript.
How came it that when you broke
into the store you carried off lot of
useless trash and left the money-drawer
untouched?" 20. Mr.. Judge. don't
you begin to scold me for that. beg.
l have heard enough about that already
from my wife. F7iegende Btatter.
Instructor Ito class in horology)-
what are the essential characteristics
of good repeaterf~ Mike (first-born
of an Alderman) = Ability to vote
every half hour while the polls are
| open and get out of the State before
the ballots are counted. ."-Jeaoeters'
Weekly.
Modern Girl-'sFather, l long to be
independent-to rely upon my own ex-
ertions for support. What trade or
profession would you recommend"
| Wise Father-.First-cl cooks make