The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-12-18
ELI PERKINS'S NEW BOOK
IT IS A LIVELY ONE AND IS NAMED
THIRTY YEARS OF WITT


Telling Good and Had Stories for 30
Years and More.
The ever young Eli Perkins informs
the public that he has been for 80 years
telling and hearing good stories. and in
his new volume, Thirty Years of Wit"
he gives the best of those that he has
heard and of those that he has told.
"When l asked Bill Arp one day If he
really killed many Yankees" says Mr..
Perkins. he said:
"'Well, ] don't want TO boast about my
self, but killed as many of them as they
did of me-"
"Mr David Welcher tells me-" says
Eli Perkins, "that Mark Twain, when in
good humor, told him the story of his
courtship. and how he won his beautiful
and wealthy wife. She was Miss Lang
don, of Elmira. When Mark first met
her he was not so distinguished as now
his origin was humble, and for some
years of his life he had been pilot on
the Mississippi River. The future Mrs.
Clemens was woman of position and
fortune; her father judge, and doubt
tance in his son in law. Clemens, how
ever. became interested IN his daughter,
and after while proposed but was re-
jected.
"'Well he said to the lady, I didn't
much believe you'd have me, but
thought I'd try
After while he tried again, with
tho an mn rao,,It ,nd tba,, ra,,a od ,,;.L
his celebrated drawl. I think a great
deal more of you than il you'd said
"Yes, but it's hard to bear A third
time he met with better fortune, and
then came to the most difficult part of
his task--to address the old gentleman.
Judge he said to the dignified mil
lionaire, have you seen anything going
on between Miss Lizzie and mer
"'What? whatr exclaimed the judge,
rather sharply, apparently not under
standing the situation, yet doubtless get.
ging glimpse Of it from the inquiry.
"'Have you seen anything going on be-
tween Miss Lizzie and meT
"'No, indeed replied the magnate
sternly. No. sir, have not.
"'Well, look sharp and you will,' said
the author of Innocents Abroad and
that's the way he asked the judicial lum.
mary for his daughters hand.
Eli Perkins asked the Rev. "Sam"
Jones:
"'Do they ever answer back to you
from the audience when you talk so saw
agelyT
ayes, often. Every now and then
burnt sinner will squeal. Sometimes
they get good joke on me too. One day,
in st. Louis, continued the preacher,
laughing, AN awful funny thing hap.
pened. I had been attacking the gam.
blers and drunkards for an hour, and 1
said drunkard was lower than a dog.
Just then shabby, blear eyed man
arose tremblingly and started to leave
the church.
""Stop! young man, said. "Stop!"
"'The young man stood still, with a
thousand eyes on him.
""If you'd rather 10 to hell than hear
me preach just go onl"
Well,' replied the man, after a
pause, II believe I'd rather" And out
he went"
II was talking one day, says Eli Per.
kins. with Mr.. Depew about demand
and supply. said the price Of any com.
modify is always controlled by the de.
mand and supply.
"'Not always, Eli, said Mr.. Depew;
demand and supply don't always govern
prices. Business tact sometimes governs
Them
"'When,' asked, did an instance
ever occur when the price did not depend
on demand and supply?
"'Well.' said Mr. Depew, the other
day ! stepped up to a German butcher,
and out of curiosity asked:
What's the price of sausages?"
""Dwenty cents bound, 4" he said.
""You asked 25 this morning, re-
piled.
""Ya, dot vas ven had some Now
] amt got none | sells him for dwenty
cends. Dot makes me reputation foi
selling cheab und l don'd lose nod ings.
"'You see.' said Depew, laughing, "I
didn't want any sausage, and the man
didn't have any; no demand or supply,
and still the price of sausage went down.
After telling us no end of funny stories
Eli Perkins says; ANY one can write
humor who will sit down and write the
honest truth There is no Imagination
in humor. while wit is all Imagination.
IL have known a kind of half sad hui
NOR, said Eli Perkins, "where two earn
est people misconstrue each others
thoughts | once heard of a dialogue he
tween sweet, dear old clergyman in An
kansas and an ilIiterate parshioner,
which illustrates this idea.
"Your children have all turned out
well, reckon said the clergy man, as he
sat down to dinner with the parishioner
he had not seen in church for several
years.
"Well, yes, all but Bill, poor fellar.'
"Drunk Ticker, reckon said the cler-
gyman sorrowiuliy,
"Oh, no; never drunk no lickor, but
haint amounted TO nothin'. Bill was de-
ceived, am it ruint him
"'Love affair? Married out of the
church, maybeY