The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1891-05-29
The san,tarium As It Is.

The SanitaTaum As 1t Is.
You will notice my gentle reader thai
this is not story of la grippe, from which
we have all suffered-tho' It's in fact the
neg on which this gruesOme tale doth hang
but a receptacle, thing of travel filed with
woes more frightful still than ''wars or
women have" or men endure when cen dis
traught with pain would have a molar out.
No, but having had la grippe all winter
with 20 pound reduction In weight, my
family on my wife's side together with
friends of the family proposed that be
called from labor to refreshment, and so it
was decided that should be sent away to
some sanitarium-a name that was always
distasteful to me-where l could have home
comforts and also be under the care of COM
petent physicians, men who had slept with
old Esculapius and k1le,O something. Even
physicians who ought to know better rec
commended me to this sanitarium whose
manager had gained some celebrity as a
surgeon and author. 1 have written volumes
but not from any definite standpoint. My
points in literature were always too blunt or
TOO sharp at one end.
Accoutered thus they pushed me on the
train, while / betimes lugged with me that
internal grip and after caring for it l took
care of self.
had travelled half way round the globe
perhaps but never with a grip. This was
my first and l can assure the enraged reader
that it will be the last experiment.
Lightning and steam finally landed me in
a comfortable hotel, and after an excellent
dinner / felt better toward myself and all
mankind. Shortly after dinner called
upon medical friend of long acquaintance
and after introducing myself or rather the
ghost of my former self, and after his back
began to ache at the sight of me, he pro-
posed just what he ought not to, viz, to go
and get that grip and take me up to the
Sanitarium. Great Scott! hadn't just got
that grip safely located and off my hands?
But was getting weak and didn't think to
tell him that had got lock and chain on
it and didn't want to disturb it just now.
He said it was only three-fourths of a mile
up there but he mis-spoke himself as found
after walking the course over. He meant
three or four miles.
Arriving at the Sanitarium, with my grip,
which had insisted on sitting ON my sOrest
corn all the way up. / assayed to escape
by pulling it up and throwing it over the
wheel, but one of about an hundred bell
boys and pOrters who stood there watching
the performance with mirth in their mouths
and idleness in their hearts vase finally
ordered to my assistance and took my grip
while l slipped off from the seat between
the wheels and made my escape. 1 was
absolutely too weak to step clear from the
wheels.
My kind medical friend after introducing
me to the ''doctor" in charge left me and
the ''dOctOr" who is general manager, well
coined me to the Inequalities of the house
but excused himself on account Of ''busi-
ness" 1 didn't see him again for twenty
four hours, when was about leaving.
He reminded me somewhat of Alexander
Mott, son of one of the greatest surgeons
that ever lived, viz, Valentine Mott. The
boy had been tutOred until he could perform
any operation after the diagnosis had been
made, and it used to be the old mans pride
in the lecture room when with the patient
on the operating table and the steps of the
operation explained, to say Gentlemen,
my son Alexander will now proceed to per-
form the operation" And he could, and
he did, and he wasn't hdlf-,Ditted.
After the doctor left me l wandered
through intermnable halls, dropping in
frequently where wasn't wanted and feel
ing like one of the lost tribes of Israel. The
building is immense and if L could have had
a horse and buggy on one of the upper floors
think should have looked 1t over with a
view of purchasing, as l was told that the
income from 1t last year netted $50, 600 over
expenses. The building and grounds are
capaciOus, and nothing is left out i'm the
makeup of the structure necessary to the
comfort and convenience of its occupants.
One thing failed to Finland was too
bashful to inquire-and that was drinking
f0unt and as / had had no moisture since
dinner my mouth was beginning to call for
water. But cOnsoled myself with the
thought that it was nearly bed time and /
could have some brought to my room. So
i waited.
asked to be shown to my room and taking
off the lock and chain which 1 had put on
my grip / allowed bell boy to take it up
the elevator and as he dropped it on the
floor, asked him to get me pitcher of ice
water and a luncheon.
Eyes sir-send it up right away"
AS time sped on and no water came /
pushed the bell button. No response.
Thumbed it again, same result. My lips
and tongue began to crack. Tried It again
and after quarter of an hour perhaps, a
boy tapped at the door, who l found had a
tumbler and pitcher but no water. He set
the crockery ware on the stand and remark
ing that he would send some water right off
he disappeared down the everlasting bowl
ing alley of a hall. In the course of half an
hour or so began my bell button exercise
again-for was getting dusty underneath
the collar-but without effect. All this
time jingling ice pitchers had been dancing
up to room directly opposite mine-which
contained an old party and an attendant
any one of which l would willingly have
given five dollars for the water mean but
not drop could get. There was no wash
water or j might have slaked my raging
thirst on that; nothing but the dew of heaven
and that bell button. Finally gave three
distinct thumps with my sore thumb, for
thought IL there was any magical effect i'm
the number three / wanted it and wanted
IL hard.
Sure enough IL accomplished one thing.
1t brought bell boy with pitcher and
goblet but like the previous one, no water.
did you ring for water?"
Eyes, SIR"
why, you've got pitcher" said he
walking toward the stand.
"Yes i have pitcher" said /, 'but IL is
dryer than the one you have in your hand;