Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-25
DEACON RuRpE1rE.
uis Witty Talks Out O Meetin' Upon
 Timely Topics,

uI8 Witty xalkb VuC O mcctlu' UPOB
 Timely Topics.
 "Papa," said Ethel, q do not think you arc iast to Mir. Sophomore; wc9 walking with him last night. His head is full of ideas" sYes, yes," said the professor, and went on reading the proof of his lecture on "Micro- S,opic Thought" "'we cannot realize the in- finite littleness of the cholera bacteria, wher we know that 30, ,0o0. 900, 900 of them occupy space no larger than pins head.' Yes, yes; as you say, he has great many Ideas; but they are'-goes on reading proof:
 HE'ER FLASHED THE VOLUNTEER AT A.
 T am weary of this humdrum life, said Ealliopus "Why, what are you doingl' Tuning hurdy gurdies." "Shake; I aT writing speeches on tariff reduction"
 BUT FARE YE WELL, AULD THISTLE BENt
 Young Mir. Sawbones, first year in medical rollege; sees an editorial headed "The Dan ger of Apathy"-aThe incomprehensible ig norance of these editorsI" he exclaims grand ly; "they write about things of which they know absolutely nothing. Now, you take apathy in time and there isn't dangerous feature in it: the veriest quack can handle It." Puts on his hat and goes out to look af- ter case of incipient inertia.
 YH AyBLINs MIaHT-I DINNA KEN.
 Lawyer Buldozer-Do you know anything about George Thorpea Stupid Witness-Yes, ir Lawyer B.-Ah, you doi Do you know any good about himi Witness-No, sir. "Oh, you don'ti Well, then, do you know anything bad about him2" Witness-No, sir. "Then, for mercy's sake, what do you know about himr q know he died twenty years before ever heard of him."
 sTl .L HAE A STAKE.
 A Boston b. oker lost wallet containing e15, 900 on the street and a newsboy found it and brought it to the owner. The man struggled with terrible temptation to be mean and sordid for moment, and then, forgetting self and casting to the winds his greed of gain as he trampled the temptation under his feet, gave the honest boy permis- sion to go on the Common and play every day. "We can trust you" sobbed the grate- ful man; i've know that you will keep off the grass" Oh, how often this opportunity to make others happy by kind word, a gentle emile or some little act of kindness knocks a' our doors and we heed it not, until it is toe late. Oh, that more people were like the Boston man, P. S.-They are.)
 TWEEN HAME YE MAKnl"
 Where, oh, where has the young man gone who graduation clothes put on, some time along the last of May, and owned the whole wide world for daya And where is the sweet girl graduate, who chanted an essay dread with fate and started out with gig gling frown to turn this old world upside downi And where is last years candidate, who had things fixed for this years slatei Who carried around, as you'd believe, a couple of counties in his sleeve2 And where Is the scribe with vaulting will who tried a long felt want to fill, and courted shekels and renown with a minion paper in a bourgeois towni The lad has divided the world up fair. and holds but his own eight billionth share; the sweet girl grad. is a grand surprise, and conquers the world with well made pies: the candidate with the deathless "gall" is fixing himself for another fall; while the journalist with the naughty crest has gone the way or last years nest. So year by year and day ef day the world runs on in the same old way; the balloon that is biggest round about Is thu 6abhiest rag when the gas is out.
 IT MAKs AN UNco' LEEwAY.
 There is one thing Ignatius O'Donnelly night have done very easily, if he had thought of it-he might do it yst-prove that Harriet Beecher Stowe didn't write the "Uncle Tom's Cabin" that is presented on the stage ten times week all through and between tho season. He could find plenty 0 ciphers, in ahe cast; the two Topseys, the swo Markses, the two donkeys, and the latest company all nounces two Uncle Toms-these, with the four meat hounds, would give an ingenious man ciphers enough to prove anything.
 AN SWAT WI DREAD
 "Is there any benefit in monopoliec~ asked the teacher. "There is," answered the s:nart bad boy. "And what is it!" Owning an in terest in oEe." He was kept in two hours.
 REAL AND IMITATION BABIES.
 A Boston woman comes out in print to de nounce "that lingual dish wash, popularly expected in Beanville, where Joseph Cook is regarded as a model childs nurse ard primary kindergarten teacher. We believe, firmly believe, that baby who? whichi thata is born with eye glasses and theory uhould be called a babe at birth and ad- dressed as sir or madam.
 Out upon your machine made babel l knew one long ago. His name was Henderson Ingraham Stillweather, and his parents called him that when he was in his cradle He was but years old when nrst met him. dowD by the Illinois river. esaid to me: 'EScuss me, sir, but could you kindly enighten ma d, to the character of this strange looking craft toward which our steps are tending nnd also, can you tell me to whom does it beongl" clutched the little monster by the neck and held him under the dredge boat for an hour. expected a scene with his mother. but slt only said that "Henderson was very faI advanced; his Uncle Dennison did not drowl until he was 43" They didn't bury Tender son. They pressed him betw cen the pages oi . Colto ,'s Atlas, and he fattened out and dried just like fern. That's what becomes of that sort of children. am glad drowned him. I am looking around for more like him. People who wean their infants on dictionaries will do well to keep them under glass until lose ny tomahawk. Waghl- Brooklyn Eagle.