The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1891-07-15
The Arizona Kicker.


CfooBBY. BuLi-Two or three weeks
AGO BIZ ThrockmoTfon. the well known
mule whacker, raised z great fass with US
because we didn't publish mere murders
and bangings, and he gave Us fortnight
TO make change Of base. As We didn't
do 50 his copy OF the Kicker comes back
TO Us with a great big Refused marked
on II, and Bill IS nov going around as
serting that we are On our last legs and
must 90 under
Goodbv. Bill. While We hate te lose
subscriber, We never did run 10 mur-
ders. and we are too Old 10 begin now.
We have published one each week espe-
cialIy for your personal deleetstion, and
If Won are still unsatis6ed We shall have
10 regretfally part with yon. We owe
YOU about twelve numbers on your year
vet. and We viii send them TO an idiot
asylum up in Iowa with your compli-
ments-
SURPRISE PAKTY.-Our contemporary
down the street came out with an extra
Yesterday aad managed to work OF thir-
teen copies on the unsuspectlng pubic
before his bubble was pricked. His news
about US, Of course, and, as usual, he
turned himself inside out in his anxiety
to hold US up to public Tidicule and con
tempt. What be made such an ado about
was really only trifle, and We will give
the facts as they occurred:
We have contracted the habit OF spit
ting on a mans boots when standing and
conversing with him. 1t may be IN
pleasant to some people, but there Is no
occasion for any hard feelings, as We do 1t
unconsciously and are always willing 70
apologize. We were talking with the
mayor the other evening in front Of the
postohice, and naturally enough spat on
his boots. He didn't wait to ask us what
We meant by such conduct, but hit on
the chin with his left and knocked US
down. We scrambled up TO pull our
gun OIL him. but mutual friends interfer-
ed and satisfactory explanations were
made. We afterward drank with his
honor. and he subscribed for two copies
of The Kicker 10 be sent to friends in the
east. 1t was simply misunderstanding
such a one as Is likely to occur between
two gentlemen at any moment but Of
counse the old hyena down the street
thought he had good thing and wanted
TO make the most Of it.
il Is TRUE-We are almost daily in re-
ceipt Of letters from the oyercrOwded
eastern states asking, do you think l
can get married If l come out there
These letters are written by widows, old
maids, crosseyed girls and grass wives
and We wish 10 state here and now that
this town offers them greater advantages
in this direction than any other in the
west Oct Of a population Of over 4,00l
we have only thirty-three women, and
seven Of them are over eighty years old
Well bet a dollar 10 a cent all day long
that 800 eastern females can find hus
bands here in twenty-four hours. If il
was known That there was a consignment
on the way one-haif our population would
ride fifty miles on muieback TO get the
first pick.
Women are not asked to come out here
to be critised and elbowed around. We
don't believe there is a man in this tow
who wouldn't jump at the chance o
offering his heart toa redheaded girl witt
a cataract in both eyes and wart OF
every finger. We have contended al
along that what this town wants most j
not boom in zeal estate 10 benefit fev
but ten car leads Of woman from Boston
to benefit the many. Their infiuenc
would soon be felt here, and there woulC
be q moral backing which we can neve
secure without their presence. We sa,
to al inquiners Come right along.
youare not stopped and married befor
you get here, We guarantee you viii b
within fifteen minutes after your arrival
A FINE SPBUNEN.-TWo months az
when an Iowa man came here and bough
out the Star drug store, We asked him 70
an ad. He curtly informed US that ad
vertising didn't pay, and he likewise re
fused to subscribe ior the The Kicker
We have been watching the tenderfoo
ever since, and when the sheriff close
him up yesterday it was no surprise 3
US. Without asking anybody's advice h
bought car load Of Paris green to xii
'tster bugs, and had received il when b.
accidentally learned that the neares
'tater vine known to our people was nine
ty miles away We are glad he didn'
do business with US. If he had we shoul,
have felt sorry for hin and probably len
him money enough 10 get out Of tow
on.-M quad IN Chicggo Tribune.