The record-union., 1891-07-11
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT

CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.
Pretty Little Lady-Are these oranges
sweet? Gallant Old Grocer = Thev
ought to be. You've been looking at
them for some time.
Young mother-What in the world
makes the baby cry SO? Young father
guess ne heard me say managed to get
Weekly.
Miss Spinster-Such a nice man-Rectnr
brown Why, this morning he said
Chere were marriages in heaven, Miss
Shafpe-So consoling for you, dear, too!
New York Ledger.
Stranger-Just look at the crowds croino
along: | shouldn't think you could build
churches enough to hold them all. Native
We can't-they're going to the hall
game.-Harvard Lampoon.
Anxious Mother-As I passed tho Dar-
ior-door last evening I saw Mr.. Nice
Ieilo,S face very, very close to yours.
Lovely Daughter-Y ma, he's SO
near-sighted. News.
Say, old man, since you went to house
keeping IN Jersey do you find the house
hold expenses are any heavier? Do any
81 o., your oils run Longer out thereof
'oh, yes; the mosquito bills"
Where did you get that handsome
watch Brown?" "Oh, it was given TO
me me- :, w ny, you're mighty lucky fell
low Il don't know about that. You
see 1t was my wife gave it to me.''
Husband-I save 81 by buying my ci-
gars by the box. Wife-Do you, Jack?
How nice it would be if you would buy
IlVe boxes right away and give me the
So dollars you save for new dress
DO you quarrel with your neichbor
yet about his hen coming over into your
9arden?" No, we're all over that now,
Buried tho hatchet?'' ''No: better still.
buried the hen."-Christian at Work.
That's q pretty fine layout the baby
has, said Mr.. Newpop, looking over the
little ones wardrobe. Dear John, said
Mrs. Newpop, will you never learn? 1t
IS layette, not layout. t.'-Munsey's
Weekly.
Waitress-Tea, doctor? Doctor-No,
coffee, If you please. Waitress Roast
beef, doctor2 Doctor-If YOU please.
Waitress-Corn, doctor? Doctor tindie-
nantlyl-No. madam, | ann dentist
Drake's Magazine.
Mr., Tallmudge-W Waiter. wish you
would tell the cook that I would like
slrloin steak, thick and juicy and done
t4lrly well, but not too well, and
Waiter lyelling)-Chuck stallion on the
fire. (To custOmer)-Coffee? ?-Chicago
Herald
A young man who handled money for
New OrlI firm with which he was en-
a
reporter writing about it innOcently said:
His accounts were found to be all right.
His friends think he is insane" Detroit
Free-Press.
And what is the trouble?" inquired
the young wife of the physician ''Weil,
l don't think the case is really bad
enough for a season at the seashore. I
think cure may be effected by the ju-
dlciOuS application of nice summer
hat. -Fliegende Blaetter.
Old Gentleman Ito street car driver)-
My friend, what do you do with your
wages every week-put part OF it in the
savings bank? Driver-No. sir. After
payin' tho butcher an grocer an rent.
pack away what's left in barrels I'm
afraid Of them savin's banks-Yankce
Blade.
A gentleman beard young visitor in
his house ask his own son, aged six:
Which would you rather be-a walking
policeman or mounted policeman?''
"A mounted policeman, of course" said
the boy. "Why?" asked the other.
''Cause if the robbers came | could get
away quicker"
"They say it cost SIT so week to feed
an elephant, Mrs. IrOns," said the
boardcr at the foot of the table "How
would you like to board one at regular
rates?o An elephant, Mr.. McGinnis,"
replied the landlady, wouldn't be thow-
ing out hints ali the time that he was get
ting tired ofprunes."
'Teacher-You must not come to school
any more, Tommy, until your mother
has recovered from the smallpox.
Tommy-There amt bit OF danger.
She amt going to give me the smallpox.
Teacher-Why, how is that? Tommy
She's my stepmother. She never gives
me anything.-Te Siftings.
Look out for him. said Hostetter Nc
Ginnis, referring to q prominent Texas
gentleman, ''he is hypocrite, and will
play you a bad trick some day, just like
he did me-" ''What did he do to you?"
"What did he do? [ borrowed $40 of
him and the double-dyed scoundreI tried
to make me pay it back. Look out for
him, tell you; you can't rely on him"
Texas Siftings.
''Your dear little boy paid me such q
pretty compliment; he said l looked real
handsome" said Mrs. Hostetter to Mrs.
Lydia Pynkenham. ibid he say
that?'' Indeed he did, the little ANGEL
so, he is such silly child. Sometimes
l think he has not got good sense" re-
sponded the mother, and now they have
quit swapping bangs when they go out
shopping. Siftings.