The record-union., 1891-01-11
How Hoffman Was Banquetted
and Fulflls His Promise.
WHERE ORANGE TREES GROW LIKE
A POETS DREAM.
One Might Plant Lemon in the Morn
ing and Drink Lemonade on the
Same Spot In the Evening-The
Truthful Real Estate Man.


Three weeks ago, while I was in the
beautiful little city of Red Bluff, I was
given reception by the solid citizens.
After nearly an entire night had been
spent at banquet, which was the most
gorgeous thing of its kind ever saw, I
was escorted to my headquarters by the
Philharmonic Glee Club, which sang,
I'VE Won't Go Home Till We're Sober"
up in a Balloon, Boys" Johnny Ward,
Get Your Gun," and other mellow old
melodies, that made the welkin ring. Q
don't know what a welkin is, never hav-
ing had one of my own, but there is one
in Red Bluff.)
The next day a committee of three men
called upon me, and their foreman spoke
as follows:
Mr.. Hoffman, we have here in the
midst OF this bloomin' garden of the uni
corn-l mean the univerSe-one OF the
prettiest little towns / guess you ever
saw. She's real beauty. Onev'ry hand
there lies the green fields of golden yaller
wheat-only they amt yaller yet, bein'
as the seed amt all in the ground on ac-
count OF our bein' put behind with our
plowin'-and on either side of us rises
the towers and steeples of the onward
path OF Progress, which the watchword
of it is alters WESTWARD Ho! Here we
sweat of our brows. We has resources,
sir, that would make your hair to stand
on end like the quills on the forgetful
porkapine. We has lands that perjuice
bounteously, and we can offer to the
world at large the wonderfullest induce
ments to settle in this here town. We
has town clock, sir, which strikes out
H1SrlOa
is heard in the land along with the turtle.
And now, sir, we has come to you to
state that the boys got up a bang-up feed
in honor of you last night, and we ask,
sir, that you do write up genuine simon
pure puff for Us. We has read your
scripture in the papers, and we know you
can perjuice good article if you want to.
And right here let me remark, young fel-
Ter, that if you don't perjuice good arti-
Gle, there'll be Somethin' covered with
coal tar and feathers fioatin' ON the bosom
of the Sacramento river the very next
time you put in an appearance in this
here beautiful, law-abidin' and peaceful
little city. That all sir. Good day, sir.''
Then they marched out. 1 have since
learned that the three men were three fell
lows who think they own the town. and
who were not at the banquet for certain
reasons known to the Committee on In
vitation.
But it is fact that Red Bluff is a beau
tiful little city. 1t sits enthroned upon the
banks = principally upon the western
bank-of the Sacramento river, but the
people do not use the waters of this
stream for drinking purposes. They get
their drinking and cooking fluids from
the hills northeast of the town, and from
the various places of sin which are found
scattered promiscuousiy here and there
along the streets. The river, however, is
a az
months the people use it for swimming,
and also for angling purposes. On Sun
days it is not unusual to see long line OF
the solid citizens standing in the shadows
where the water is not above their short
ribs, with rods in their hands and enor-
nous strings of real carp and catfish
hanging from their necks.
Red Bluff is pretty, orderly and quiet.
1t never gets on the warpath and paints
itself lurid, CORY hue. 1t is a city OF
homes, where there is peace and plenty,
and no man covets his neighbor's man
servant or maid-servant. The back bone
of the place is wheat, and it's spinal mar
row is the railroad. 1t is unshaken by
booms, and the price of land and bread
and whisky is reasonable enough for any
body. There are never any riots there,
and the people go right along about their
business, are born, marry, grow old
and die without the least suspicion of
fuss. There are no extraordinary
hard times; no busting of banks and
failure of firms. There are vineyards
and orchards and wheat fields and facto-
ries. There are figs and olives, oranges
and lemons. There is enterprise and
prosperity and several churches. There
is health and wealth and happiness and
three daily papers that never toot their
own horns loud enough. There is life and
enjoyment, hilarity and pleasure and
babies on the block. There are great
many very beautiful young ladies and a
great many handsome young men who
belong to Company ID. There is sash
factory and q round-house and large
number Of rich widows, who went there
for their health and have remained there
several places of sin. Also a Salvation
Army of two soldiers and several real
estate agencies. All the real estate men
are kept busy doing something.
The people who live in Red Bluff are
the best people in the world. That is,
some of them are. They were all made
to order, and when the contract was fin
lshed the molds were broken up and
smelted into rakes and door-knobs. They
are all healthy, and so energetic that they
wear out annually 400, 900 pairs of tailor
made pants. They generally live to a
ripe old age and either die in peace or in
pieces: Is that puffy enough o, ye cts
of Red Bluff?
Red Bluff has been called "The City of
Cats" Cats grow there spontaneously,
like Jonah's gourd, and live very long
and useful lives, like Metlnselah or the
Wandering Jew. AS they age they grow
mellow, and acquire a deep, rich tone,
and when they vibrate it is as though the
arci-fiend had stretched bass string
across the sky and was drumming it
with cyclone. If stranger should Kill
a c.3f no u ,iS,a. hi W
When a cat dies at Red Bluff he is gently
skinned and stuffed and mounted on the
piano, where he continues to vibrate un-
til he sheds tears of straw, when he is
laid away at the foot of an orange tree in
order that nothing may be lost.
The real estate men were very kind to
me. They took me out for long drives
and longer walks, and showed me the
country, pointing out the best places as
we ambled along. | saw spots where or
anges would grow like a poets dream;
where olive vines would flourish; where
lines could be made to produce twenty
barrels of lime to the acre; where one
might plant a lemon in the morning and
drink a lemonade on the same spot in the
evening. They also told me that good old
story about the melon vines growing so
fast that the little melons were bumped to
pieces on the ground.
We passed little garden spots where
large colonies of owls sat over their bur
rows and twisted their heads round and
round and round without twisting them
off. / tried to get one to twist his head of
by running around him in a circle, but ii
didn't twist. / tried it for an hour and
gave it up. The agent who was with me
said it could be done, but was in hurry
just then. have discovered since that
that particular agent had never heard OF
George Washington.
was shown the beautiful city which
was founded by Sam'l o. Posen, where
the people are invisible and the streets are
of solid gold, also invisible, and the gates
are of pearl and jasper, also invisible.
We did not enter the town, but stood afar