The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-03-27

After all, the old-fashiOncd meter bv
moonlight is about the only one that
has stood the test of time and experts.
-BOst01a Herald.
The man who expects to see himself
as others see him puts on green glasses
and looks at himself in the mirror
Neao Orleans Picayu7e.
Gus-I say, Jack. have YOU ever no.
ticed what a beautiful figure the Gush-
ington has? Jack-No; l never met
her at the seashore:-IAe Epoch.
Women are undoubtedly angels, but
some of them seem to forget it when
they whack their thumbs with a tack
hammer-DetrOI Free-PreSs.
She Cat muscale) )-Doyou care for
Meyerbeer, Nh Wabash? He-Well-
er-I generally take "Rochester'' when
l can get it.-NeaO York. Sun.
If the world We're willing to accept
most men at their own valuation it
would have to 90 into voluntary bank
ruptcy in a week. S0merUitle JOurnat.
A St. Louis gambler was trampled
and killed by a runaway horse few
DAYS ago His last words were: That's
a horse on me. Bingha1,at0aa Repujti-
can.
Hotel clerk Ito Col. Blood, register
ing)-Shal | send a pitcher OF water
to your room; sir? ColOnel-No; |
don't believe there'll be a fre;-Neo0
York Sun.
A woman never wants half so badly
to learn to ride horseback as she does
when she sees how becoming a riding
habit is to a woman she doesn't like
SOmerUiLle JourhsGt.
;. Citizen Ito Mr.. Red Shirt Well.
Mr.. Red Shirt, you Indians must have
(striking his breast)-Ugh! Me no In
jun, me heap Anglomaniac.-Nc York
San.
The man who was kicked out by his
landlord because he couldn't pay his
rent says that his experience shows
that three removes are not one-tenth
part as bad as one ''tire. ."-JOuT12QL of
Education.
, Wlfe-You are sick man, John.
Will you have regular physician or
one of the Christian science healcrS?
Husband (weakly)-M-M~ Mary, what's
the matter with the undertaken Wuss-
tpgton Critic.
The Concord School of Philosophy
was obliged to disband as soon as the
members told each other all they knew
about the substance of nothing. There
was nothing more to know.-NeU o.
leans Ptcayune.
Young physician Ito patienD What
you need is exercise. sir. You should
walk more. Patient (reaching for his
>
/ walked al last night with the baby.
-Ntso fork Sun.
Congressman's wife (suspiciously)-
Henry. what does ''scooping the pile
mean? Congressman Gnnocently)-
Really, my dear. | can't say. It's some
thing never id in all my experience.
-Wusilii!gt0H tft5tc.
GLOW is your husband feeling this
morning, Mrs. Bcntley?" '.Ol, doctor,
1 don't know. He swore at me and
threw teaspoon at the baby because
it cried ..Ah, favorable symptoms!
He is getting better!''-Judge.
Dumley-Do you remember of lend
ing me -, Brown, about month ago.?
Brown (retrospectiyely)-Lat me see.
Yes, think l do. Dumley-You were
a little full at the time. Brownies,
m ave been.-NcU IOTG Sun.
If !, .r and was IeveIed over the
sea the w;t,er would flow over the en-
tire g.obe with an average depth of
one ME. In this way the BrlsI cleo
tric light wres could be got down out
If the way, but in no otner.-Detr0it
FIRE" Ii-esS.
Wife-John, the new maid told me
Al. / L /
Husband-What! And [ paid her q
dollar to say nothing to you about it.
Discharge her at once. Such person
is not to be trusted. Cincinrtuti conn.,
n,erciej Gdzette.
A gentleman was complaining on
'Chan4sr that he had invested rather
large sum of money and lost it all. A
Sympathetic friend asked him whether
he had been bull or bear. TO which
he replied, Neither; | was a jackass."
-NeW York Globe.
"Now / know where we are.n said a
rustic youth, who had been engaged to
act us guide by an Austin sportsman,
as they plodded with difficulty through
d deep swamp. :'Well, where are we,"
asked the sportsman. eve are bog
ged. Tile Colonel.
If it were not for the men, women
would not find it SO hard to learn to
whistle. AS soon as the dear creatures
get their lips nicely puckered UP the
men are sure to interrupt, and they do
not have chance to blow a single
note.-Jour11at Of EGaSeation.
young man, why don't you give
up this life of idleness and luxury
and try to make a name for yourselfP'
.'tTwv and make a name for myself?
Why, my deah sir, my little English
foxhound took the first pwize at the
dog show, 'jove!''-NTea0 York SUM-
''Have you seen Mrs. HIS new d:a-
rnonds?" queried female caller of her
friend. Eyes. indeed, and l should
think she would be ashamed of them.
They are not larger than peas, and did
you notice the flaws in both of them as
Big as hickory nuts P"-Et"'ira Gazette.
Women are naturally truthful, es-
yecially when they are talking about
aifathe.- woman thate they don't Ike: