Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1891-01-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

make Il man dream-mince pie and
liberalization Globe.
The insolent cooking utensil" is
phrase for II saucepan credited to Bos-
ton housekeepers.-Bos Transcript.
Thirteen is always an unlucky num-
Der. Adams thirteenth rib was the
cause of all his troubies.-Te1Gs SUt-
ings.
In Spain the barber shears donkeys
Der shears dudes as we'll as men.-St
Joseph Nesos.
At 20 man thinks he knows it all;
at 80 he merely thinks he could have
known it all if he had tried.-I,sdia's-
apOIiS Journal.
that you are engaged?" Miss Three
Stags-'.No such luck! Tn even out
of an engagement ~ Y. World.
Il hear your husband is quite gall
liant. Do YOU ever find any letters in
his pockets?n Only the ones l give
him to post. Spare Moments.
The Clymers' reception was a fail
ure. The rooms were not half full"
We'll, some of the guests did their
best to make up for IN Y. Herald.
well. little Fritz. how did you like
your iinnerp" asked his aunty. %.
we don't have any better at home,
but there's more of t."-Youth's Com
panion.
Cnappie-"I had a ten-mile gallop
81 g.
fresh as a daisy" Maud-''You have
just returned, have you notP"-M. Y.
Herdtd.
If the average play were as dry az
many of the men who witness it seem
to be the drama might indeed be re-
garded az in Il very bad way.-Wash-
in0tOn Post.
so you called at Mr.. Jones' about
that little BILL" said the merchant to
the clerk. Yes, sir" And what did
YOU find outP" MIR. Jones. Wash
ington Post.
Customer-"Will these goods washP"
Epstein Gnjure,lly)-"VashP Vashp
Turkish bath efery morning!'-Aneri-
can Grocer.
1T was terrible blow to the family"
was what the man out West remarked
to a friend after cyclone had visited
his premises and carried away his
house. Yonkers Statesman.
He Remember you're taking my
heart with YOU" She-''You are the
fifth man that has told me the same
thing. You all must think am pork
packer. y IenoUiae's News.
What awfully poor billiards Missem
plays, doesn't hep" Yes. Only
natural. though" How SOP" He's
detective, and you know they can't
handle cue. IS. Joseph Neaos.
Fleeced Player-'Lend me five dol
lars" Lucky Player-'Tm afraid it
will change my luck" Fleeced Player
Then lend me seven dollars-seven
is Il lucky number. "-1eras Sytjnqs.
About the most disagreeable man
on EARTH" said Charlie Cashgo, sis the
pawnbroker." Yes" responded
billy Bender, dolefully; but we have
to put up with him. Washington
Post.
last story of yours, Fred?" Said it
wasn't worth the paper it was written
upon" why don't you try poorer
paper next timePn- Phiiadetphio Re-
cord.
McCorkle Cooking at the individual
leaning against the Iamp-posD -''That
man has queer name-TriangIe.
McCrackle-''It is appropriate though.
He is rye-tangled triangle. D Vest
Shore.
Weeks-'How do you account for
the smoke curling from a gun when
the hare is laid low?" Wentman-It
is queer! And it always curls after
the hare has been hanged!'
Grocer.
Father Didn't I hear high words
between YOU and your brother just now.
Henry?' Henrv-"Very likely, father;
out surely you wouldn't wish me to
use low language. "-Journat Of Edu-
cGti0n.
Tincker-''When my play is pre-
sented | want all my friends to be the
lirst-nighters. Persuade them all to
come" Rodney-''Yes. I'll tell them
it will be their only opportunity. =
Aunsey's Weekly.
Visitor" Isn't YOUR mother afraid,
Willie. of catching cold in those slip
pers?" Willie-"Huh, / guess you
don't know them slippers! Ma uses
them to warm the whole family with"
american Grocer.
John" said Mr.. Stingy's wife, Il
yUonI1p't b,y INV ,,,oro 60 tron-ory If
I were you" "Why not?" This last
pair You bought are the identical ones
l sold the ragman six weeks ago for
fifty cents. IN. Y. San.
McFingle-'I understand that YOU
write for the humorous papers?' Nc
Fangle-''Yes that's so! | write for
them every week. My newsdealer
doesn't keep the ones I want, you
ow."-B0Ston IraUelter.
THE difference 'twixt Tweededum
and Tweedledee? l suppose the first
Mr. Tweedle couldn't speak" said Mrs.
Spriggins. And Mr.. Spriggins took
off his coat so that he might laugh 10
his sleeye.-Harper's Bazar.
Eastern Man Gin Kansas)-"You
wrote to me that Dugoutvile was to be
the county seat; but | see that Sodroof-
vile has got it. How did that happenP"
Dugoutvile Man (sadly)-"We ran
out of ammunition. ~. Y. Weekly.
90" says mamma to her husband.
''such good news! Baby talks. He
has just said his first words.n Really"
Yes; just fancy. We were at the
monkey cage in the park when the
ha hv cried ont .Ah nann i,I - Hhnttor