Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1891-01-19

Good women are the salt of the earth,
when they are not too fresh
Somebody says that man can get roar
ing drunk on water. Well, so he can on
land.
The turtle has about rs strong grip as
anybody, but even he gets into the soup
at last.
1t is the wise child that goes out of the
room to laugh when the old man mashes
his thumb.
Had the Indians their way, the BARRIERS
of this country wouldn't make much cut
ting peoples hair.
Algie-I heard a report that Chappie
fell last night and hurt his head. Gus
Well, there's nothing in it.
Rev. Wesley Brown of Bedford, Iowa,
got engaged to five girls in the choir and
left town for the sake of harmony.
Have you anything TO say, prisoner
asked the judge. mo, your honor, eX-
cept that it takes very little to please me. .
Time makes all things even. During a
boys first month at school his slate pen
ellis cost as much as his fathers cigars.
Publishers say that books are about the
first thing affected by financial panic.
Too true. Pocket-books, for instance.
How is it you have so few deaths on
your hands, doctor? That's easy enough.
When | find bad case l order trip
abroad.
A Boston dealer in umbrellas has the
following sentiment conspicuOusly dis
played: Into all lives the rain must
fall
The difference between the life of an
old bachelor and the life of an old maid
is that one is full of fun and the other
isn't.
Jenkins to Henkins (after vainly try
ing to understand Il message over the tel
ephone re)-That's right! Get mad /
can hear you all right now.
Primus-Thomas told the mass meet
ing that he was a self made man.
Secundus-Very noble of him to take the
whole blame on himself. wasn't it?
Visitor (to prisoner) = What brought
you here? Prisoner-Misplaced confidence.
Visitor-How was that? PrisOner-I tho't
/ could run faster than l did.
Well, Frit, did you have a good time at
your aunt's? Oh, yes, father; she took
such good care of me; she used to ask me
every day whether was not homesick.
Eastener-Where is your town located?
westener- (from the land Of floods and
cyclones) In Kansas, bout ten miles from
the Missouri River-we'n l left.
Cholly (after exhausting the weather.
| notice that the wild geese are making
their way south for the winter Miss
observation-disclosures me, but when do you
start?
There are 2O0, 900 models in the United
States Patent Office, illustrating almost
every conceivable phase of human inge-
nuity, but the model husband yet remains
to be invented.
What's the matter with you to-day
Tommy? You seem to be uneasy. | am
said the bad little boy. Yesterday was
pas and mas wooden wedding, and al
the neighbors sent 'em shingles.
Mamma, what is the use of keeping the
whip you use on me behind the motto
God bless our home? Well, said mamma
I'll change it. And she put it behind the
motto, need thee every hour.
Wanderer-Kind dame, can you give
me place to lay me down and die? The
Kind Dame-Certainly Just go up Il
the barn. My husband is the county cor
oner an he hain't had IA case for a month
Dashaway-The other night | went t.
an amateur theatrical performance, anC
then I went bone and had terribl,
dream. Cleverton-What did you dream
Dashaw ay-I dreamt l went to it again.
ssWhy did the sexton leave?' HE go
full one day and Officiated at a funera
with a red neck tie on. and wept at
church weddidg in the afternoon with
band on his hat that tapped in the wind.
inexperienced young wife (whose hus
band has returned home for the first tim
under the infuence) = Darling, you ar
sick. Let me send for the doctor. Hus
band-No, don't send for any doctor, bu
my symptoms don't improve soon, sem
for a snake charmer.