The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1891-02-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

first day after she has caught him do
ing something wrong. = Meddvttle 7ri-
6ssae.
1t was magnificent mine, but they
ruined II" "Howpn '.The poor idiots
took all the gold out of it. .n-Hayper's
Buzdr.
You do not always get returns from
your wisdom. but you always get big
returns from your follies. Atchtsoil
Globe.
She (after lovers quarreD You
may return my letters He (editor)
Did you inclose stampsPn-Hdrper's
Bdzar
Ethel (ambitious) = What would
you do if you had Il voice like mine?"
Maud (spitefuD try to put up
with it. ~ y. Herald.
Il see the dethroned Emperor of
Brazil has become a great student. u
Yes; now that he cannot reign he
pores!-BoStoa Irdrelter.
Actor to Promoter When does the
cue Gomez Directly; don't you hear
the audience are already beginning to
hissP"-Ftiegende Biatter.
We have no words except praise for
the dead. This is natural, rs we usual
ly exhaust our whole stock of blame on
them while alive.-Puck.
Cumso-"You can lead a horse to
water. but you can't make him drink" !"
Banks-';Just the same with Colonel,
isn't itr'-Brookiya Lite.
When you see boy with beautiful,
long. yellow eurls there is very little
doubt as to who is the head of the fam
ily.- Indianapolis Journal.
Cumso-'' Brown is an ideal money
maker Banks-'Yes. Wax TO re-
ceive and marble to retain as the
adage says. ~. y. Herald.
Porous plasters are good for a
weak back. That's all right. but 1
want plaster that will be good for a
week hence. n-Hdrper's Bazar.
Teach your boys how to earn money,
and. to make the reform in the next
generation complete. teach your girls
how TO spend it.-Atchtson Globe.
A man who has been swindled in a
bueket-shop transaction may not exact
~ want to die. but he feels good deal
ike kicking the bucket.-St Joseph
Nes0S.
Think that young doctor under
stands his business pretty well?" Il
think not. l heard several of the old
er physicians praising him yesterday"
Indianapolis Journal.
Send this car to the repair shop.n
ordered the inspector. Yes. Sir.
What is wrong?" Il notice that two
of the windows open easily. Have
them attended to. ~ T. Sun.
salvationist (stoppiDg Jack on the
road )-"1 oung man. are you ready TO
dieP Jack-'Look here, my friend.
Tn entirely unarmed and haven't a
cent about me. ."-Brooklyn LIFE.
We'll, your goose is eookedrn ex-
claimed Snodgrass. rs he entered his
parlor. Who has been roasting YOU
this time, love?n asked Mrs. Snod-
grass, anxiousiy.- Munsey's Weekly.
i couldn't help getting mad. Now
l appeal TO you. if YOU were I,wouldn't
You be angry?n Il don't know as
would be angry; but, if | were YOU,
should be inexpressibly sad. ."-Boston
Transcript.
A-"Bullion thinks a good deal of
his home and grounds. and is fond of
showing them Off" B Gin love with
Bullion's daughter, sadly)-..Yes, he
showed me off the grounds last even
ng."-Tale Record.
Teaeher-''Tomm you NAV explain
the difference between wages and
salary" Tommy The man that
draws salary has to spend most of it
Tor good clothes or lose his iob."-Ia-
dtandp0iiS journal.
Customer Have you any securing
sand! Grocer-'.No; were entirely
out of it" Customer. Well. give me
a half-pound of your sugar; my tins
have to be secured TODAY 10 matter
what it costs. ."-Llte.
Young Author-''You have no idea
how fluently / write when | am Ge-
scribing some object like-something
/ fairly dote on" Miss What's
the matter with writing your biogra-
ply ?"-Ie1as sit1ings.
Travers-'.1 on have actually sent
bill with my clothes. What INSULT
What infamym Iailor-'.It was all
our new bookkeeper's fault. sir. He
got you mixed up with those who pay
-Cfothter and FttTnisher.
i've lost my position" said the man
who had made application for assist
ance. What We're you engaged at?''
i was director of the mint In
deedm Yes, sir; l used to mix
Juleps- = Washington Post.
A story at hand. describing a love
scene between the hero and heroine.
says: He wooed her with will"
That's a good way, especially if the
wooer is old and the will is in her fa-
vor. ."-BinghGmton Leader.
Give the average man three davs'
work to be done in three days and he
will boast the first day. loaf the sec
ond, and show the amount of work he
has to do to prove that he is worked to
death on the third. d.-Atchtson Globe.
Did you enjoy it off in the country,
Jimmie?n Did /? Had bully time.
| used TO get up before anybody in the
hotel and change an the boots and ring
the fire-alarm. and l broke nine panes
of glass in one week.-Harper's Bazar.
Colonel Greytop--"Miss Uptown,
would like to introduce an old friend
of mine-a soldier-one of the Balak-
lava Six Hundred" Miss Uptown
: One of the Six Hundred o, Colonel,
hadn't l better see mamma first?"-
Life.
What, my child! You danced last
night with the Colonelp And he goes
to balls while he yet wears mourning?
What light man he must be!' 20
but, mamma, really you should have
seen how beautifully sadly he dancedI"
Blatter.
Mr.. Ticks-''Adam was certainly in
great luck.n Miss Wickles = How
was that?" Mr.. Ticks-'Why, when
he got wife he had only to give up a
rib; and now it takes all the backbone
a man has just to think of getting mar
ried. "-BoSton Courier.