The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1891-05-01
NV Ideal Husband.
Editor of the COLUMBIA HERALD:


On consulting a dictionary I find
the definition Of "mO6ep to be "a
copy to be imltatedn Now, as the
peculiarly my own, and more likely
to excite the indignation than the
emulation of my sex, perhaps 1T
would be wiser to label this paper
"My Ideal Husband"
1t has always been subject of re-
gret with me that [ was not a con-
temporary of the poet who said:
"Var ETY. is the very spice of iife;"
then | could have cIa5ped his hand
and thanked him for so neatly eX-
pressing what is tue keynote of my
character. Even i'm 80 trivial thing
AS the choice of a spouse l am swayed
by my craving for diversity. | have
read but few of the epistles that a
longing for filthy lucre" or a d, sire
to appear in print brought to the
HERALD; not that the bulk of them
was unworthy of perusal, but in ad-
herence to my rule of avoiding too
much of one thing. The authors of
those that / did not read may re-
talitate by skipping mine. But L
was going to say that those few were
unanimous in declaring that the
model husband must be a Christian. \.
minus temper, minus bad habits, in
short, Just such a man as it would
bore me to death to live with a fort
night.
Now, for a HOrd-picture of the one
who is to induce me to alter my sur
name, for l don't hesitate to state
that l am still IAN unapprOpriated
blessing; mot for lack of wOuld-be APP
prOpriatOrs, L assure you, but, because
| have no. yet euc0u altered the man
who resembles my ideal.
L believe it is considered more logi
cal to treat a subject physically,
mentally, and morally. Well, women
are not credited with the possession
of much logic, and in that respect 1
am not an exceptional woman.
may be in many another, but it is
my purpose to indite what | would
anex to the words "Wanted--A hus-
band" not to eulOgiZe myself.
When L reflect how much envy it
would cause the other girls, l think l
would like my connubial partner to
be an Adonis; then again, if he were
as hideous as Mr.. Hyde, when a
family jar was in progress, [ could
twit him with his hOmeliness, and
quote my friends as saying that it was
Incomprehensible how such n good
looking girl as L could have welded
SuCA Ill ugly lCliO"s L AO1LiJ
believe that / could derive more salts
faction from plain man; any way,
he would be useful as a foil to my
beauty Now, | have stated the
physical requirements of my other
half. No, 1 omitted to mention that
te must lie able to snOre loudly and
continuously; he may thus appease
my insatiab e appetite for Wagnerian
music.
OF course he must be "smart." l
would feel no elatiou to come Out
victor in q verbal skiFmish with q
stupid man. Oh, yes! he must be
bright enough to sometimes vanquish
me in an argument, for l relish
variety even at the expense of my
own vanity. The other attributes of
the man L am seeking may be desig-
mated mora. Should he sometimes
drop, not into pOetry'like Mr.. Wegg,
but into swearing, I'd not object.
1t would furnish me such an excellent
opportunity for arching my eyebrows
and looking shocked; for [ dOte on
displaying my histriOnic powers,
having been assured that [ an artist
equal, if not superior, TO Bernhard
Nor should / veto stinginess.
When he would refuse me a new
bonnet, I'd shed tears Il eau do that
with facility that surpasses Job
TrJtter) and threaten to return to my
ma; then at night I'd stealthily 60
through his pockets. What more
thrilling experience can woman
desire? And should he begin to 10. k
ing upon the wine when it is red,
what an ineXhaustible fountain of
entertainment would be mine! l
could scold him, could plead with
him, and when ever l had an
especially stylish gown or bonnet that
| wished inspected, ia don it. and
Club to sign the pledge. But most
pleasing thought of all, should he
while three sheets in the wind make
me the target of his boot, l could
then pose as a martyr, and hold a
levee of my sympathizing friends.
Or should tire of my old rocking
chair, I'd place it where he would be
sure to stumble over it in the dark on
his return from some carOusal-lOdge,
1 mean-and next day I'd show him
the battered piece of furniture and
demand a new one. Oh! 1 cannot
begin to enumerate the advantages of
having a lord and master who
tsmiles" often. And would you
believe it, I'd consider myself an
enviable woman if he were q slave to
tobacco. The smoke of his cigar
would rid the house of various in
sects, the ashes thereof would make a
splendid dentifrice, and could pilfer
some of his "Virginia leaf" to pre-
serve my sealskin cloak during the
summer. I'd rather enjoy being
bullied. Also getting up winter
mornings to kindIe the fire. And
having my cooking found fault with,
too. ALI these would provide me an
eXcuse:for running the whole gamut
of emotion, from abject fear to fierce
vituperation, and thereby furnish the
lneighbors rich morsels of gossip. My
ideal benedict must fatty decline to
walk the baby at night. A man thus
engaged is apt to let his foot collide
with bent pin, and then he'll rival
Rome in bowling, and I'd rather
sOothe ten infants than one specimen
of adult masculinity.
Then he must be the rankest Of
infidels. Under the pretence OF con-
verting him, 1 can let my tOngne wag
from "mOrn till dewy eve." To
refute my arguments, he will pur-
chase the works of Voltaire and Paine
to possess which has always been the
acme of my ambition. And when the
religious training ~Of the children
comes up for discussion won't we
have an eXhilerating time?
If the man in whom the above de-
scribed traits are embodied is yet
unmarried, vet fain would enlist in
Hymen's army, let him apply to
ARABELLA SNIGGENSON.