The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1891-10-16

Il did, Ell? Why don't you call me a
first-class idiot and be done with it,"
"You must have done so, for you GER
tainly carried it away with you"
That's exactly what he did do, and he
knew he did, but he squirmed out of it
by Offering to bet her million dollars to
cent that the front door had been left
wide open all the afternoon, and that a
hall thief had carried off half the stuff
down stairs.
One morning there was smell of gas
down cellar, and Mr.. Bowser went down
to see if he could discover a leak. He
put on an old hat kept for ''poking
around" and when he left the house he
wore it away. 1t was rusty and spotted
and broken, and it was only when the
boys downtown began to ''shoot that
hat that he tumbled to it. Then he
flew back home with his eyes hanging
out and his face of plum color, and he
was no sooner inside the door than he
shouted
''Look at it, Mrs. BOwser-look at that
internal old junk shop which you delib-
erately saw me wear away on my head
head and never said word about it,"
Ibid you wear that hat downtown"
"Did l! Did IT, he shouted as he
banged it on the floor and jumped on it.
But didn't see you go. l was up
stairs when you went, Mr.. Bowser. You
are very absent-minded."
Il am, Ell! It's a wonder that don't
forget to come home, isn't it! Mrs.
Bowser, if there is another house in the
United States as badly mismanaged as
this, I'd like to see it,"
but can you blame me because you
wore your old hat away" she protested.
CHATS it-that's! Shoulder it off on
me! The papers talk about the startl-
ing number OF divorces. It's wonder
to me there are not five times as many!
One day Mr.. Bowser brought home a
patent corkscrew, which some fakir had
sold Kim, and Mrs. Bowser saw him drop
it into wall pocket. A week later,
after wandering around the house for
half an hour one evening, he halted
before her and said:
'Tll be hanged if l don't get some
chains and padlocks and see if | can't
have things left where put them"
''What is it now?'
81 brought home can opener few
days ago and left it on a bracket in the
dining room. It's gone, of course-prO-
badly given away to some big, lazy
tramp! It's wonder we have thing
left in this housed"
"a can-opener!"
Eyes, a can-Opener. If you never
heard OF can-Opener, I'll hire some one
to write you out a history of it, 1t was
invented to open cans"
''Why, we have two OF three in the
kitchen. Do you mean a can-Opener p
81 don't mean wind-mills or threshing
machines"
"You had it in pink paper ?''
Eyes, ma am"
at was the day the man fixed the
gate ?''
st was"
'Well, L saw you drop it in that wall
pocket, and it is corkscrew and not
can-opener."
at is, Ell? Perhaps 1 don't know
hitching-post from the City Hail." he
growled as he reached for the parcel and
unrolled it. 1t was a corkscrew. 1t
could only be used as a corkscrew. 1t
was made and sold for cOrkscrew.
Didn't 1 tell you?" queried Mrs.
Bowser.
''Tell me what Told me it was
cOrckscrew, and it's can-opener, just as
1 said it was"
cts a corkscrew"
cts can-Opener!''
And as long as Mr.. Bowser draws the
breath of life he will stick to it, because
he said so in the first place.
Like other husbands, Mr.. Bowser is
greatly worried over the safety of his
wallet while around the house. He has
an idea that Mrs. Bowser would give ten
years of her life to get that wallet in her
hands for about two minutes, and that
she lies awake a good share of every
night in the year wondering where he
hid it when he went to bed. He makes
it religious duty to conceal it every
night and to count over his funds the
first thing in the mornin. One morning,
strange as it may seem, he left the house
without taking his wallet, which he had
hidden the night before under the
bureau. He had been gone about an
hour when there was great clatter on
the front steps, the door flew open, and
he rushed into the back parlor and stood
before Mrs. BOwser.
She was so upset that she could only
family gasp:
''Mr. Bowser, is mother dead ?''
''Mother dead!" he yelled, in reply;
''what do 1 know about your mother!
Mrs. Bowser, I've been robbed"
mol"
"And in my own house at that? Some
time during the night some one got out
OF bed and stole my Wallet"
impossible! Was it in your coat ?''
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