Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1891-07-29
AND wnAr.s raE mArrEEs
Matter Enough, for Everything Was
sticky.
AilORfa Constitution

gratiIy every reasonable wish or ones
wife, ard tat IS why got into peck
or two Of trouble short time since.
When my wife arose from the break
fast table recently she turned to me
with question:
'NIy dear, can't you send down a cup
of varnish and brush from the store
this morning9"
"Nothing easier" replied, "but what
on earth do you want with varniSh?"
Her eyes were resting on the sewing
machine when she replied:
Il want TO varnish my machine; 1t is
looking awful rusty"
sit is, for fact" assented, looking
closely at that piece Of furniture, try
ing IN vain 10 find so much as a scratch
upon It; SIT is looking horribly Dad; l
wonder you allow IL to stay on the
premises az all. 1t strikes me as sim
gular you have not mentioned 1t before.
Why, that machine is a disgrace to the
family hope none Of the neighboTs
have seen it,"
ooh, 10 is not so bad as all that, sir;
besides, I never asked for an opinion
from YOU" she said, giving me box on
the left ear. "Will you send me the
varniSh?"
"Why, certainly. What else can I
do but send it-haven't I got your or
ders?"
''WeH, now, don't forget it,"
Oh. the shOrt-sightedness OF mani
had known of one-tenth the trouble
that cup of varnish was to cost me, how
gladly would have forgotten TO pur-
chase fl
As l was leaving for the Office my
wife called out:
"Send II as early as possible, dear,
and don't forget the brush"
did not know there were two kinds
Of varniSh-a quick-drying and slow
drying, so I simply ordered varniSh-
and brush. They would be sent i'm
mediately.
went on TO the office.
I took dinner at q downtown restau-
rant, and the varnish and brush had
not entered my mind during the whole
day.
just as I entered the gate in the even
inc I thought OF them.
1t was "gOod dark, but the hail lamp
had not been lighted.
And think that was part OF the
plot.
opened the door hurriedly and
started IN a brisk walk down the hall.
/ had hardly taken step when l
rammed my knee against a chair. An
other step-another chair. Both shins
skinned and in the dark! 1 took an
other step, and my foot landed square
" upon the baby's little rocker, which
proceeded 20 turn bottom upwards.
causing me to lose my equilibrium, and
went Sprawling to the floor, striking
two or three more chairs IN the mean
time.
It made a terrible racket, and my
wife inquired:
whats the matter, dear?"
"Oh, nothing. Just swinging cor
ners with chairs and things" l an
swered, as calmly as possible.
I scrambled to my feet and started
again, when l struck that blasted ma
chine. varnish and all, which landed me
this time smack into the baby carriage,
breaking the springs and very nearly
breaking my neck.
"Did You hurt yourself, dear?" came
that voice again, which had the effect OF
making me feel Ike choking the life out
of something or somebody.
"Dld hurt myself, you ask? Oh, no,
not much" said l, ''only broke leg
and arm, and punched ono eye out
that's ALL"
"Why don't you come IMP" she in
ouired in tone of voice that was re-
markable for it's calmneSs, under the
circumstances.
"Come IMP" I screamed, chow in the
name OF sweet Solomon can -" Haven't
I been trying for the last ten minutes
to come in, and don't I run great risk
of losing my life every time I try il?
Why. I'm the name of all the saints didn't
Won tell me this morning you were going
10 move out into the hall, so 1 could
have governed myself accordingly?'
Then she came TO the door with
lamp, and I succeeded in getting myself
uptanqled from that baby carriage,
which presented the appearance 0f hav-
ing teen kick d by Georgia mule.
stepped into nay room with "a weary,
bruised feel g, and laid my hand on
the back of b rocker.
Don't touch that-it is vanished"
$50 ! discover" said 1, as 1 pulled
my fingers from 10.
went over TO another chair, and was
preparing TO sit down.
"Don't sit there-it is varniShedm
made q dive for another chair, and
was stopped-varnish!
The clock was ticking very lazily, and
knew fl wanted winding. When l
underworld to take my hands from it, IL
came with them. My fingers had again
stuck-ln varnish.
was becoming desperate.
NY next move was 70 try trunk-I
daced not risk any more chairs. l took
q seat before she could interfere, this
time. and ruined new pair Of breaches
by the operation-the trunk was var
nished!
This was too much.
"Now, them" said I, after pulling
myself loose from the trunk, "will you
please tell me, while 1 stand right still,
where and what You have vanished?
j would Ike to move intelligently after
this. / see the baby has escaped,
which is explained l suppose, from the
fact that Your stock of varnisb was ex-
bausted before 10 came her turn2"
She looked at me a moment with a
pitlful smile, which smGcked somewhat
of contempt. and replied:
sDon't talk foolish, now. Go and sit
on the front StO0p; everything will be
dry by tomorrow morning
"Sit on the front stoop, indeed! Have
Won, then in reality, smeared that stuu
over everything?
s.Don't my machine look better?" she
said, ignoring my question, ana point
IL ~