Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1891-05-28
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Some of the Wild Ways of Go Ahead
journalism.


journalism.
Last December, when we had completed
the repairs TO the picket fence surrounding
our private graveyard and counted up the
graves. we announced our earnest hope
that the number would never exceed nine.
We never really wanted to kill any one OF
the batch, much preferring to live at peace
with all mankind but it was case OF
"shoot first or go under" in each and every
instance, and it became our duty to shoot.
Everybody knows we have done the
souare thing when compelled to outfit
man for the far off country. We have
bought collins, furnished shrouds, got up
| funeral professions and planted the immi-
grant on our own private lot, where his
| head board would not be taken by the cow
| bows for eucher table nor his bones become
the prey of the coyotes. II Is needless TO
add that we shall continue to pursue this
| liberal policy in the future, while the sub
| scription price of the Kicker will still re-
main at two dollars per year.
AS stated at the beginning. we hoped to
keen the number down to nine, but cir
cnmstances over which we had no control
erected a tenth headboard the other day.
In writing up Colonel Woodhouse's new
ranch two weelts ago we jocularly referred
to a cowboy as "Cockeyed Bill" 1t seems
that his proper title is 'Squinteyed Will
iam.n and he took offense at our license.
We have invariably noticed that when we
attempt anything jocular somebody dies
before the month expires, and we shall now
swear off.
Bright and early Monday morning the
gentleman with the imperfect optics opened
the front door of our Office with great
deal of useless energy and before we could
give him G. o. ID. rates on half column
ad he began banging away at us. we
knew. from the way his first bullet chawed
its way through the straw hat we wear IN
the office that he meant business, and we
didn't allow any vision of the dear OLD
home back in New England, with mother
standing in the door, stop us from getting
ready to return his courtesies.
William shot the hands off our offic'
clock, split the ear of the Chinaman who
turns the crank of our power press anc
| blasted the peaceful life of yaller cal
= which we paid fivedollars for in Tucson; bu
when the cannonade had ceased William
had gone down the long, dark trail to joiI
d his forefathers. We were, of course, prompt
ly acquitted before the coroner's jury, an'
y we think we did the square thing when w
} got thirteen vehicles out to Williams flu
- neral.
I" All our readers will bear witness to tn
! fact that we have exercised the creates
y patience in bearing the, slurs and taunts {
:, our esteemed weekly contemporary. o
I" three different occasions we would hay
- been perfectly justified in killing him, bu
N we restrained our hand because we kne'
~ he owed his two compositors money whlc
they would lose if he went under groun'
~ We long ago decided to pay no further a
e' tention to him, no matter what he sal
u. but there was an item in his last iss'
eo which calls for a word or two of explain
- ton from us.
III Our lop cared, lop shouldered, kno'
kneed, slab sided, ramshackle, bald heade
"a, poverty stricken, cross eyed, web foote
NV toothless old contemporary, with an ave-
- age circulation of 2l7 copies weekly again
;. our tens Of thousands (see our sworn sta
"a. ments), says that we were cowhided in o
iaS own sanctum three days ago by la
W named Miss Green, who is a music teach
~" lately arrived from Indiana.
His statement is an insult to youn
beautiful and accomplished lady, who W
Urn at once accorded the ontray of the be
nd society In the town, and who came he
are with letters of the highest recommend
no ton from respectable people.
re- Mrs. Green called at The Kicker Office
Is the most amiable mood and with the me
ak peaceful intentions. She simply and swe
les, ly desired us to publish one of her Origin
at poems, entitled When the Hens Egg Ne
way Again." and we were thrice glad to do
, is 1t appears on our third page today, and
feel that we cannot say too much in pra
n / of it.
i'd Thus do we confound, paralyze, ups
and break in two and knock out the hum
hyena whose spiteful soul would BLACK
ght our private character before this comml
nee ity, and with 1t the fair reputation OF
lose angel in female clothes. Words fail to
use press our contempt for this inhun
sful monster, but no advance will be made
EN-, our advertising rates.-M Quad in n
air York World.
nall