Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1891-09-01
THE COTTON BLOSSOM CLUB.
Mary James Great Mistake-TEs Presi-
dent Airs His Views.

ness in three different lawsuits and to
know how to roast a possum and felt
she possessed all other necessary qualifi-
cations.
Elder Nightfall Turner, who had set
tied himself down for an hours nap and
was already nodding, suddenly bobbed
up and moved that the rules be sus-
pended and the applicant voted in. A
hush as of death at once fell upon the
meeting. Brother Gardner didn't say a
word in reply, but he looked down upon
the elder in such a cold, unfeeling man
ner that the latter broke both suspenders
as he sat down and tried to roll up in a
small bundle. After a couple of min
utes of painful silence the president
quietly observed;
MARY Jane has simply made mis-
take an sent her applicashun to de wrong
club. What she wants to jine is a So
ciety fur teachin de modern wife how to
run de kitchen part of de house"
Applications were then read for the
establishment of branch clubs at Toronto,
Ont, and Hamilton, o., and as all re-
quirements had been complied with in
each case the prayer of the petitioners
was granted. The petitioners at Toronto
are very fortunate in having secured as
their first president Judge Paradox Jones,
a colored citizen who is worth over $780,
900 in cash, and who Is known all over
Ontario as the only man who can sharpen
a lawn mower on his bootleg.
A communication, dated at county
Jail in Indiana, and signed by Professor
Canterbury Taylor, was then read. The
professor lives in Indiana, and claims to
be the first man in America to discover
blood on the moon. He was also the first to
come forward with a scheme to pay off
the national debt by everybody going
without fried onions for one year. He
started from New Orleans to New York
to deliver his celebrated address emit
tied: "Why Doan We Consider" but
had only reached the Hoosier state when
he was arrested as tramp and flung
into Jail. He now asked the Cotton Bios
som club to forward him the sum of
twenty dollars to pay his fine and help
him finish his journey. He hadn't called
on the club except as last resort. He
had dug hole two feet deep in his cell
to find rock bottom. He had sawed off
two bars at the window to discover that
a bulldog was chained on the outside.
He had tried to bride the jailer with
forty acres of land, but the man wanted
hundred.
yves sorry fur him, of co'se," said
Brother Gardner in reply, "but we can't
do muffin fur him cept to hope he will
keep on diggin till he gifts out. We
didn't AK him to come; we didn't chen
know he was on de road. He may be
sort O. lonesome in dat Jail, but it will be
a great chance fur him to rest up an cut
his toenails, an invent a scheme fur
drainin off de Atlantic ocean,"
The Hon. Lycurgus Merriweather then
arose to ask for information. He had
been informed by colored butcher
weighing 212 pounds that the Cotton
Blossom club proposed to erect a ma
tional asylum for the reception and care
of decayed whitewashers and chimney
sweeps. If this news were true he
wanted to say that he was heart and
hand in favor Of the project, and de-
sired to speak for places for his uncle,
brother-in-law and brother, who came
under the head of "decayed."
"De news ar ahead Of time, Brudder
Merriweather," replied the president
Oar has bin some talk, but no steps
hev yet bin TOXIN, an it will be quite
safe fur you to advise your varus rela-
tives to keep right ON airnin DER own
Twin as hard as dey kim"
At this juncture Participation White,
who had been wriggling about for some
time, arose and inquired if the proceed
ings Of the club were conducted accord
ing to parliamentary rules.
"Dey is" replied the president.
Then Brother White was still more
mixed. In case he should offer resolu-
ton to donate the sum of 81 900 to the
African missionary fund, and Pickles
Smith should offer an amendment to
make it $500, and Shindig Watkins
should move to lay it on the table, and
Colonel Cabiff should move to adjourn
well, sahY queried Brother Gardner,
as the speaker paused.
anu w dyuOWn DeeDe SnOulQ call Tor
the ayes and noes, and Sir Isaac Wal
pole arise to question of privilege,
what course would the president pursue?
He had consulted two street car conduc-
tors and man who owns a whole fish
market, but none of them could work it
out.
my co'se would be very plain, sab, +"
answered the president. 81 should fust
remove my coat. If dat didn't stop de
row should remove my vest. If de con-
fushun still continued to elucidate
should jump down from de platform an
start fur de back eand of de hall
should move slowly, an as | went i
should strike out right an left, an by de
time reached de alley doah it would be
necessary to call fur leben ambulances.
When Mr.. Cushin writ his manual it
was intended 10 hver all cases up to a
certain pint. AFTER dat pint was passed
it was supposed de president had de
muscle an science to handle de crowd.
1T is now time to disrupt de meetin
an go home. "-M. Quad in New York
World.
A Wise Virgin.