Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1891-09-02

GNA, MICH, WEDN
WIT AND HUMOR.
Every ones sweetheart sometimes
gets up in arms against him.-Galves-
ton News.
The person who is chased by bear
has proof positive that troubles a
brewin'. Lowell Courier.
Waiter (deferentially)-"Soup, sirS"
Fuddled actor (ferociously)-"No,
sir; leading man. Judge.
These are the days when the tramp
and the pumpkin are both getting
very seedy.-Baltimore American.
"That breaks me all up" is what
the piece of ice was heard to remark
when speaking of the icepick.-Yonk-
er's Statesman.
Cora (proudly)-My new lover, Mr..
Jimpson, has stage air, hasn't he?
Dora-Yes, papa says he used to
drive one.-Epoch.
"Smithers is a very engaging fell
low." "Yes-he had to leave Boston
once because he was engaged to three
girls at once."-Truth.
"After mature deliberations have
decided to take this STEP" remarked
the Boston babe, putting out its foot
in first attempt to walk.-Life.
Justice-"So you wish to be marri-
ed ?"
Awaiting couple-"Yes, sir"
Justice-"Slip knot or true lovers
knot ?"
81 was kicked by horse when l was
little and knocked senseless," said
Chappie. "How soon do you expect
to recover ?" asked the cynical Maud.
Judge.
Miss Trill-"I love to hear the
birds sing"
Jack Mallet-"So do 1. They new
er attempt piece beyond their abili-
ity."-Puck.
Sportsman---"Any game about
here ?"
Facetious native-."There1l be a
base ball game this afternoon"
Sportsman-"Very we'll. I'll shoot
the umpire. Puck.
She-"You know, Dick, that papa
is not nearly as rich as he is reported
to be-"
He-"Oh, well. he is likely to make
a fortune before he dies. l shall have
to take my chances like all the rest of
the fellows, l suppose. Puck.
"What sort of a newspaper plant
have your" asked the eastern man of
the wild western editor. 81 have been
using Colts A." replied the editor
modestly, "but considering the diff
culties arising out of the last campaign
l have about concluded to get a Win
chester" er."-Colorado Sun.
Printer-"There was bill collect
or up here to see YOU"
Editor-"And what did you do with
him p
81 shot him."
"Good gracious And powder is
forty cents a pound! Why didn't you
pitch him out of the window ?"-At-
lanta Constitution.
ontractor-"Befor the contract is
given out l should like to present you
slight token of my esteem"
Public icsofficial-"Sir, I despise brib-
cry in all its forms but my wife saw
house at No. 1000 Broad avenue
that she liked immensely"
Contractor--"All right, sir, she
shall have it."-Boston Gazette.
Mr.. B., we'll known st. Louis con-
tributor, gave vent to the following
philosophical reflections: "Call a
girl spring chicken and she will
laugh; call woman hen and she
gets mad. Call young lady witch
and she will enjoy it; call an old
woman witch and your life is in
danger. Call girl kitten and she
won't take it unkindly; call woman
a cat and she will hate you. Remark
able sex."-St. Louis Republic.
Mozart was on a visit to monast-
cry, says the Daheim Kalander. Dur
ing mass he listened impatiently to
the feeble execution of the organ play
er, and could hardly bear to sit out
the service. After mass the prior ask
ed Mozart to dinner, and took the op-
portunity to inquire how he liked the
playing of the organist.
"He plays quite in biblical fashion,"
said Mozart.
"How is that ?" asked the prior.