Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1891-04-09
NUMBER 40.

Retired Politician. ssI'm no saint. I,y,
been one of the boys all my life, and IL
be one yet if wasn't on the shelf. I'v,
raised as much hullaballoo. in my time
as any man. I've gone in for all this clap
trap and humbuggers, and I've done a,
| much as any one man to fill the peopl,
with this nonsenscal idea that if mar
isn't right exactly in trim with the pop.
| ular sentiment OF the moment, he Is only
| I'll to be thrown over and laughed at.
have worked on that idea, | have traded
on it: | owe all the success lad to it
| But where am now? Where most mer
like me are at my age. On the shelf,
| with about as much money in my pocKe
as would satisfy an industrious boss car.
penter and with a laundering less public
regard and esteem. [ tell you, if | had
| life to begin over a@asn and had to take
up politics. I'd go in for morality in &
| way that would make a mugwump's hail
stand on end-I'd tell the people the
truth every time, wether they liked it or
not and wait till they got around to it.
''And I'd beat the game, in the end.
But there's no use talking about it now.
I've had ny way and had my day, and
all that is left for me is to sit around and
look at the ups and downs of the live men
who are .fn it to-day. It's amusing,
after fashion. They seem to go on max
alton did, and they are pretty sure they
know it all. too-just as we were.
thought knew better than Lincoln. once
upon a time. DO you remember what he
said about that sort of business? 1t ought
to be politicians Golden Rule. Y on
can fool some of the people all of the
time. and YOU can fool all of the people
some of the time; but can't fool all of the
people all of the time believe that's
the soundest truth public man ever ut
tered.
''But I'd rather teach trigcnometry to
a teething baby than try to drive plain
common sense into the head of man in
the political game. When once he has
got the idea into his brain that he is smart
enough to play with the people, he has
no use for reason or cold facts. Lie is
one perennial, everlasting April Eool's
Day to him. He goes along the street
grinning and chuckling to himself. with
a piece OF paper in his hand with FOOL
written on it. He means it for some
other fellows coat-tail. And all the
time. may be, he's got as many bobs as
kite traillg behind him, and chalk marks
all over his back.
''Did you ever see better April Fools
Day joke than You can see now IN wash
ington? Here's this poor man Harrison.
who was showed into the Presidency lust
because he was the nearest thing to wax
figur' that the Republicans could lay
their hands on at the moment. really TAX
ing himself seriously: making himself
believe that the people elected MIN be-
cause they wanted him, and going ser
iouslv to work to get himself re elected
lust as if he weren't the most thoroughly
unpopular and utterly impracticable man
in his whole party. Is that funny enough?
Putting aside the fact that it's bit cruel
to let a little man like that set his little
heart on having the moon for dessert,
can vou think of anything funnier? Well,
can. It's funnier yet 10 think OF James
G. Blain working Loyalty to help him get
there. That's a good oeal more of
humorous conception. 1t takes first
class genius or first-class IDIOT to tell
story like that with a straight face.
ITS great April Fool joke con-
cluded the Retired Politician, ''for Jim
Blame. But it's a greater jose for the
fellow who looks on ald sees Mr.. j. q.
B. getting out of his depths in all hls re-
ciprocity annd diplomacy mHddles, and
ingeniously and industriously preparing
neat little placar,s that somebody will
pih to his Goa; tails some day, before he
knows 1t. It's very big game, this po-
litical April Fools. my boy. and it's a
wise man who knows when he's sale out
of it, And the Retired Politician went
on his way. happily obliviOus of card
pendent from the rear of his old-fashion-
ed broadcloth coat on which was legibly
written the word "Sorehead. PUCK.