davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
Modern improvements.

Mr.. Citiman-You have a very fine
trout pond, understand.
Mr.. Wayback-Yessir. 1 raise trout
fer livin'.
what do you charge for fishing in it, !"
Don't allow no strangers to fish in it.
Might catch tn wrong kind, you know. +"
"Rut was told this was agood place
for days sport"
"Y'r right about that. You and y..r
friend go. over to that there arbor, an
take it easy. My wife'n bring ye out a
bottle of whisky an Some glasses. At
bout train time III ELL yer basket with
fish, lift &c inter the wagon, an drive
ye to the depot IN. Y. Weekly.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

in time to see him pull the wallet from
under the dresser.
Then you were not robbedy' she
tartly observed.
''N-no-not quite: not this time. But
let this be a great moral lesson to you,
Mrs. Bowser-never to NEEDLE with
my wallet. That's something no hus-
band will put Up with
81 never touched your wallet
"And see that you never do: And
don't talk back. Mrs. Bowser. You
have had . very narrow escape, and
you ought to he thankful for livery
thankful Some husbands would have
raised row; but think you under
stand me, and think the lesson will
not be lost on you. M. Quad, in n. Y.
World.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
DiShe1rtenin1.

District Attorney (disgustedly) -Wen,
this job sickens me. I'm going to hand
In my resignation at once.
Friend-Why, what's the matter?
District Attorney-Well, here I've
worked night and day on this murder
case. and had just succeeded in getting
such a complete chain of evidence that
any jury would have convicted the ac-
cused without leaving the jury box.
when along comes a substantiated con-
fession from a man who has just died
in the penitentiary that he committed
the murder, and my six months hard
work goes for nothing.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

patent corkscrew, which some faki1
had Sold him, and MT1 Dgwser saw
him drop it into a wall-pocket A week
later. after wandering around the
house for half an hour one evening he
halted before her and said:
I'll be hanged If i don't git some
chains md padlocks and see if I can't
have things left where put them!"
What is it now?'
81 brought home can-opener . few
days ago and left it on a bracket in the
dining-room. It's gone, of course
probably given away to some big, lazy
tramp! It's a wonder we have thing
left in this house,
"A can-opener-'
''Yes, can-opener. If you never
heard of can-opener Ill hire some one
to write you out history of it. 1t was
invented to open cans"
''Why. we have two or three in the
kitchen Do you mean a can-opener?"
Il don't mean windmills or thrash.
ing machines
You had it in a pink paper?''
Yes. ma'am."
ut was the day the man fixed the
gate?"
st was"
"Well. saw you drop it in that wall
pocket, and it is corkscrew and not q
can-opene-.'
1T is. eho Perhaps 1 don't know q
hitching-post from the city hall. he
growled as he reached for the parcel
1t could only be used as corkscrew.
1t was made and sold for a corkscrew.
Didn't l tell you?" queried Mrs.
Bowser.
Tell me what. Told me it was q
corkscrew, ami it's can-opener, just
as said it was.''
Its cOrkscrewv'
Its can-opener!''
And as long as Mr.. Bowser draws
the breath of life he will stick to it,
because he saids in the first place.
Like other husbands Mr.. Bowser Is
greatly worried over the safety of his
wallet when around the house. He
has an idea that Mrs. Bowser would
give ten years of her life to get that
wallet in her hands for about two min
utes, and that she lies awake a good
share of every night in the year wonder
ing where he hid it when he went to
bed. He makes it religious duty to
conceal it every night and to count his
funds the first thing in the morning.
One morning. strange as it may seem.
he left the house without taking over his
wallet, which he had hidden the night
before under the bureau. He had been
gone about an hour when there was q
great clatter on the front steps, the
door few open. and he rushed into the
back parlor and stood before Mrs.
BOwSer.
She was so upset that she could only
family gasp:
MIR BOwSer, is mother dead?"
Mother dead he yelled in reply,
''what do know about your mother?
Mrs Bowser, I've been robbed"
Nor
And in my own house at that! Some
time during the night some one got out
of bed and stole my wallet
'Impossible. Was it in your coat?"
''Well, nO-not exactly. For fear of
burglars l."
"You what?" she asked, as he hesi:<-
ted and looked confused
He rushed upstairs, and she followed
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
Marriage In High Life.

There are people in New York who
toady after the rich. The following
conversation took place on Third ave-
nue. street car:
$50 your sister is married?"
"Yes, and she did very well-splen-
did. Have you heard of Vanderbilt"
.'Oh, yes. Did she marry into that
famiy?"
We'll, yes, so to speak. She married
. nephew Of Vanderbilt's chief cook.
He is the driver Of a street car."-Texas
Siftings.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
A Fool Two Ways.

Jinks-Well. if ever there was fool,
that maa is one. Hes worth a cool
million, yet there he stands waiting for
q newsboy to bring him two cents
change on: of a nickel he gave the boy
for three-cent paper.
Rlinks-Well, he is fool. OF course
he'll never see that boy again -Demor-
est's Magazine.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

Mrs. Hayseed-Land sakes! Why did
you order all that barbed wire fence?
You know the cattle will alters be
hurtin' themselves.
Farmer Hayseed-Now don't have
compton fit, Mariah. We've got
plenty of ole stuff to wrap the barbs
with.-Good News.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
A SAFE DEPOSIT VAULT.

Mr.. Breathlike-What'n we spend d
kitty fer dis ebenin'. gentlemen?
Mr.. Keezar Extracting an ace)-H d.
rest Oh d. club doan' mex no 'bjections,
/ fink we'll CUB it to yo', SOS yo' kin go
n git yo' hair cut fore d mex game
judge
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
Concerning the Home Plate.

Mr.. Rooter latter luncheon)-That
leg of mutton Of ours made a good base
ball run, Maria.
Mrs. Rooter-Basebail run? What dN
you mean?
Mr.. Rooter-H'm! 1t made the roundk
of its bases-hot, warmed up. cold and
-hash.-Judge.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

"A certain storekeeper in Rich
mond, Ind. with some knowledge of
electricity.and considerable ingenuity
in getting mp window attractions, re-
Gently constructed an electrical fly
catcher that is unique. 1t consists of .
small induction coil giving about q
quarter-inch spark, with a couple of
cells of battery and series of fine
wires strung on board. very much as
in the musical instrument called the
either. Each alternate wire is con-
nected to terminal of the coil, and
the sliding regulator so adjusted that
the spark will not strike across be-
tween wires until an unlucky fiv
alights on one wire, when the project
ing body receives a spark, ard the VIC
tim takes a header between the wires
and leaves the field clear fos the next
conner.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
An Artist In His yav.

Will-You don't mean to say you arc
something of an artist?
Tom "a United States oficer)-I do.
I'm engaged on bit of still-life now.
Great Scott! What is the subject?"
I'm looking up some moonshine
whisky distillers-" - Pittsburgh Bull
1ofin
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

Tourist-These grounds are ven
beautiful-publie picnic grounds?
Proprietor-Yes: picnic hero yester-
day.
Indeed! Did it rain and thunder and
lightning?"
mo. it wasn't no Sunday school pie
uic.".Good Newa
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
Luck Ia Old Shoes.

Boniface-So they threw old shoes at
you. Were you lucky?
Nuwed-Yes; there didn't any Of
them hit us.-Puck.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

: lieut. Carnot SON of the French
president, has made his debut as .
military writer. His work is entitled:
THE Flag Of the Twenty-seventh
Regiment" and is . thorough resume
of the Twenty-seventh's deeds 1t
Hobenlinden. Jena, Sebastcpol and
other battleaelds from . technical
point Of view.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
No Wonder They Ouarreled.

No Wonder They Ouarreled.
"You and Charlie quarreled. hear"
"YeS"
''What about?"
HE said he only wanted one little
kiss when ] had half a dozen large ones
all ready for him Epoch.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

Hebrew Creditor Ito McScribbl's little
boy}NMy little boy. ish your fodder at
home?
Tommy-Where else would he be?
Don't you see me taking his shoes to
the shoemaker to get mended? Expect
him to 60 around barefooted?-Texas
SiftinpS
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
She Wasn't Pretty.

He-I don't think a coat like that
would become you. Mamie.
She-Why not? You said miss Bright
looked simply perfect in hers.
He 1.-THE idiot)-Oh, yes, those coats
are just the thing for a pretty GIRL
Yankee Blade.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
For the Sake of Quiet,

''My daughter admired both law and
music. so had her study law"
what impelled you to that choice?"
Il think practicing law is quieter
than practicing piano playing. Truth
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

Tounglsa.band-n were you. my
dear, / @Uuldn't tell my friends I had
trimmed that hat myself.
MrA Youngiusband - Why, love,
would Il be conceited?
YounghvshaAd - No; superauouA-
Lifa.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
OvePexefsiOu.

Kind Lady-How did you become "a
lame?
Tramp-Overexertion mum.
Lady-Indeed! In what way?
Tramp-Movin' on every time per.
liceman tole me.-N. Y. Weekly.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
A Recommendation.

Mr.. Keewest.:Have cigar?
Mr.. Fewmar No. thanks You
mustn't be spending money on NO all
the time.
Mr. Keewest-Tut! These didn't cost
much. Take one.-Puck.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
About Even.

Physician (sitting down to lunch)-
John, is simply vile.
Waiter formerly q druggists clerk)
-Ye>: sir. It's the beastliest lingo
know Of kept doctors Latin--Chica-
90 Tribune.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
Parting PangS.

''Good-by, my dear friend, am going
to leave you. am going to Canada and
will probably never come back" said
New York youth to Gilhooly.
will never see you again?"
"Never."
II say, do me one last favor. Lend mo
twenty-five dollars"
20, no; don't let us do anything to in
crease the pangs of our psrting."v
Texas Siftings.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
An Unintention.l Compliment

Sparkles (the sport)-I say, you're n,
gent.
Robinson-Thank heaven!-Puck.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

I'm willing to bear it, Samantha"
groaned Mr.. Chugwater. ''but darn me
if I'm going to grin."-Chicago Tribune.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
LOOK AT IT, MRS. BOwsER.

the United States as badly managed As
this I'd like to see it!''
But can you blame me because you
wore your old hat away" she pro-
tested.
That's it-that's it! Shoulder it OF
on me! The papers talk .bout the
startling number of divorces It's .
wonder to me- there are not Eve times
Is many
One day Mr.. Bowser brought home .
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

What One American Cobdenits Has Done.
The following was written by Prof.
A. l. Perry TO Mr.. g. c. Ware, secre-
tary OF the Golden club, and speaks for
itself:
WILLIAMS COLLEGE. June 90 1878.
MY DEAR SIR:-I think that can answer for
the United States thss the cause OF free trade
is progressing. slowly perhaps, but broadly 81
any rate Our educated young men are almos:
universally free traders. and the p.eiudicss Of
their elders are much less bitter than they
formerly were. Our national legislation shows
NO sign - jet OF this improving public opinion.
but il Will show signs Of IL A. no distant dag.
have been working and Watching for moro
than twenty yearA and know whereof ] 81.
arm
The people Of the United States are not fools
and therefore they cannot continue protection
ista." Yours very respectfully.
Here we have . professor Of political
economy undermining tbs youth under
his charge for more than twenty years
Teaching English free trade. and
against the American system Of protec-
ton, and boasts of it to members Of the
Golden club. who rejoice with hir, xpd
publish it TO the world
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22
''Help! help!"

Little boy, why didn't you tell mo
you were built like giraffe?"-Life.
The Globe-republican. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1889-1910, 1891-10-22

''Of course it hurts, Josiah" said Mrs.
Chugwater, as she applied the linament
and rubbed it vigorougly. 'Rheuma-
tism always hurts. You must grin and
bear it,
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03
CENTRAL LABOR UNION.

George w, Middleton, the veteran
Carpe.ter, occupied the chair at last
Sundays meeting Of the New York
Central Labor Union. As was expected,
the boycott against "scab" boss baker
H. Edelstein, who is backed 10y Fleisch-
mann 4 Co., was declared to toe unjust
and the followers of the central arChl.
hooders were advised to patroni2e EdeI
stein. The "Committee of Investiga-
ton appointed for the purpose one
week ago reported that EdeIsten had
"always" employed union men, that his
shop was as clean as any other bakery and
that the whole trouble was caused by
the Bakers Union demanding that he
should use the Atlantic Yeast Com.
pany's yeast instead of Fleischman's
scab yeast. Edelstein also minated
that the bakers unions received "A com
mission of - per cent. from all sales
effected by them for the Atlantic Yeast
Company. The vote for the report of
the Doodle committee, upon roll call of
organizations, stood Is in favor and 10
against.
The special committee which had been
sent to kearney, n. j., to effect a settle
ment of the lock ont at tlark's q. n T.
thread mills, reported that the Clarks
claim that the ten spinners who were
discharged were incompetent, although
these men served that concern from 10
to 81 years each. The fact il that they
were discharged for going to Fall River
ia solicit aid from the National Mule
! Spnners' Union. The committee found
| that the Claiks treated their employ Is
like so many slaves. 1t was, however
agreed with the Clarks that the matter
should be arhitrated. The committee
will be continued.
The delegates of the Tin & Sheet Iron
Workers and the Steam Filters Unions
| reported that the contracts for steam
fitting on the new County Court House
had been given to the A. n. Evans Con.
struction Company, who are employing
sCabs. 1t was resolved to send protest
! w INC CiilhlHB ulu tonlIIlHhluIitIS,
warning them against trouble which
would surely come if the said concern
were to do the work contemplated, and
that they had already been compelled
to give up contracts which they could
not fill because the building trades work
men struck against their scabs. During
the discussion upon the subject the
notorious James +. Archibald advised
to drop the matter, because the Sinking
Fund Commissioners could not help
awarding the contract to the A. N,
Evans Construction Co., us they were
! the lowest bidders.
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03
Indiyidualism and Individuality.

Moses Hartman, editor of LucUer,
undertook to criticize, from the Pente-
cost side, a lecture recently delivered at
the Liberal Club of this city, by our old
friend Thaddeus B. Wakeman, and en-
titled "Some Essentials which Mr..
Pentecost Overlooks." In reply Mr.,
Wakeman crticizes the criticism as fol
lows:
|. You say, There can be no free
dom for the COLLECTIVELY where the free
dom of the individual is denied. Slave
units cannot make free people, and
this you say as if to prove that "lndi-
vidualsm is not opposed to freedom"
But it proves the exact reverse; strike
out your mot" and you have it. For,
if it means anything lndlviduaIism Is
life and action independent and out I
society, which is simply savagery and
practical "denial Of the freedom of the
individual :" which never has existed,
and never can exist lrithOlt lac and co
operative civilization which means
Government of some kind. Without it
man is the slave of Nature, of his mate
rial necessities, and the Monopolists who
appropl late them. Government Is not
necessarily force or constraint, but, as
the word means in its origin, a plotting,
guiding. administration and protection.
The force it has to use is only the in,
cident of this protection, and | am al
ways ready to fight with you to prevent
its misuse or abuse, as IN the case OF
YOUR arrest. But abuse does not make
me blind to the fact that the remedy for
a bad government is not no government
but a better one. And it seems to me
all Liberals ought to find some way TO
null together TO effect that result. |
have for years been trying to get hold
in that way, and are not those who
prevent this from being done, by mo
voting" and the continuous Remuneration
of all government, guilty of unscientltlc
and unmltigated nonsense In order TO
be reformer must we lose our common
sense!
2-You say, "Individuallsm is in the
line of natural evolution. The effort OF
nature is to make perfect individuals.
not perfect associations or societies. y
Here YOU confOuud Indiyidualism with
individuality, which is Its opposite IN
result. as above noted. Individualism
under evolution is re placed more and
more by Socialism, that Is social co opera
ton in order to make individuality
that is the liberty of the individual,
possible. The we'll known law OF
Sociology being that progress Is the
differentiation and individuality of the
organs and the cooperative lntegratior
of their functions. 1t is "unscientiic'
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03

had INV ,rorn.t ~ rn.,. y WYNN hoc,,,
in,s ,na,;,nJa ,,n taa,, ,hat "s :" ,,'',
". vnr" rav. rn;, ~ , rI',hos '' .h"t
Snna,nr Iarr, lad '' .'n ,'' nr t, h '''1,
enrascJ IN - ,ynnl.r Wv Lil" ms a"j '' 'ha,
,,h~ s,lvnry har ~ S.,a,'r rr',a 'n ,,'',
a n,n rn',,IaJ." n.I.;nh ,|t - % r'
rnnj"r,I '"i''" ,,h ',' - - 10y ~ -,
rnIa",s ~ t,., '1''t ti' tI'
Ienkn. INNS h,t i'' ,v' r -, ,''I , ,r
claim. that ,S ,,' ar,, haI ~ Lm n"
i Ln,nn +, ny"ryh,t, ~ ~, S,,ntn
Iet Hmm remnmbnr ths fare If rlln rh,I.
>'' Wv '"'' ~ '"' ''''
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03

people might enable them to pass
crisis in their financial career, without
a wreck.
The last topic touched upon 10y the
speaker was that of immigration. The
American people were now called upon
to decide whether there was any limit
to the extent to which they would share
their birthright with strangers. The
forcing arrivals had risen from 500 600
between 1870 and lNNO to 10000 be-
tween 1850 and 1890, Another decade 1t
might 30 far as we could see, rise to
10000 GOO. The extension Of the railroad
systems Of Europe, the capabilities OF
the ocean fleets, the organization of emf.
grafton within even the most remOre
districts Of Europe seemed to put no
limit upon numbers SO far as the future
was concerned. Not only the enormous
increase of immigration, but the mani
testify lower character Of the recent
corners, especial, those from Eastern
Europe. made the question one of
urgency.
Our first duty, he said, was to our
selves and our own descendants. Our
next duty was to help, SO far as we
could, in raising the condition of the
oppressed masses of Europe, We were
not necessarily to do this by receiving
their overflow indiscriminately; but,
most of all we should endeavor to make
this experiment of a free commonwealth
of educated labor the greatest possible
success If the continued admission Of
degraded peasants from the Old World
would interfere with this great work,
we were called upon, not less as philan-
thropists than as petrots, to put stop
TO it.
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03
More British Capital Coming

Sir James kitson, of the British Iron
and Steel Institute, who was one of
those making the Southern excursion
trip. on being interviewed in Baltimore
on his return, said;
cone of the things that most interest
ed us in this country was the natural
gas of Pittsburg, We had seen nothing
like it and were impressed with it's
possibilities for the manufacture of steel
on account of the uniformity of pressure
secured. We have travelled about 5000
miles through the States. investigating
and studying, and have had the oppor-
tuuity to examine closely your resources.
In the South your resources are great
est. There you will be able to make
certain grades of pig iron cheaply. but
you need the adaptation of scientific
prinCi pies to produce steel successfully.
At present your most profitable field Of
iron manufacturing will be in pipe
works and similar industries, for which
the new towns growing up in the South
will furnish great demand. In Penn.
sylvania yOn are up to England, or any
part of Europe, in the manufacture Of
both iron and steel. Indeed, the plants
there are ahead Of us in many Of the
labor saving devices, and in this par
tiCular we have all learned very useful
lesson from our visit. Your southern
coal fields are ineXhaustible and mar
velous One result Of our visit, think
Workmen's advocate. (New Haven, Conn.) 1883-1891, 1891-01-03
Jenk ms.

1t is nearly fifty years since the
Questionable Intelligence" portion Of
the London Morning Post was laughed
out of existence by the scOrnful ridicue
of Punch. Apparently that intelligence
was furnished by somebody of rank and
quality. but the doings of the arsto-
cracy were described with so much per-
sonal particularly and such groveling
flunkeyism that Punch declared the
author of it was Jenkins the footman,
and that the "intelligence" was nothing
but the toady gossip of the servants
hall. Driven out of England by the
raillery of Punch, Jenkins fled to Ameri
ca, and infected the whole c0nfraternity
of American reporters with his abject
servilty Judging by the newspapers,
foreigner from one of the old monarch
les would be justified in believing that
the American people were lot of low
caste Hindoos, ever watching for
chance TO make a sAlaam to the rich, the
fashionable and the great 1t must be
said, however, for the American Jen-
kins that he can bow lower and grovei
deeper than the English Jenkins ever
did. | have lately read in the Morning
Post for 1S43 the Questionable lntelll
gence' which so excited the contempt
4 6 al "A d.
pare IN baseness and manwOrship with
the fashionable intelligence reported
every day in the American press.
At the opening of Congress jenkins
finds his golden opportunity. Then,
mataphorically clad in gorgeous livery,
with blooming bouquet III his button
hole, he Overflows with gush. No Eng
ishman ever loved a lord as jenkins
loves a senator. | have before me at
this moment description by Jenkins Of
the recent opening Of Congress. lie
begins by telling Us with girllsh eCstacy
how the desks were crowned with
| flo ~.ers. THIS frivolous performance,
! undlgnitied and silly, Is described with
more soIemnlty than the gravest matter
| of state. A grateful people read with
reverential awe that "a big floral zoos
ter with beehive pedestal covered the
| desk Of Senator Voorhees, ; and What Is
| more important sill, that Vice Presi-
dent Morton had on his desk the rarest
| of roses; and so had Senator Aldrich.
| In the IdIOm of jenkins whatever apper-
| taIns to senator must be spoken OF IN
the speculative degree, and thus it hap.
! pened that Morton and Aldrich each