The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1891-10-09
HITS AND MISSES.
CONTRIBUTED BIZ A. sPARRER.
aDs omns 70 scs0i1 at qui0usdam alas"

In connection with the reported raln-pro'
ducing boom we would like to hear something
more from the United States Umbrella Pro-
viding Company, which was SO extensively
advertised during the summer. 54F
This beautiful example of effect following
cause must be expected to materialize.
Now that our rain clouds sre no longer de-
pendent upon caprice and the clerk of the
weather, but are regulated by cool matter-of-
fact science, it behooyes rs scientifically to
be on the lookout for umbrellas.
We have at length become tired of owning
an umbrella for some one else to lose 4
~
This is how it all came about the umbrel-
Ia company, we mean.
thrifty German or Teutonic Yankee as
you may choose to call him, coming under
our April skies, go, soaking wet the very
first day, carried an umbrella despite the hot
sun for week, then got wet second and
third time and finally in sheer self-defence
put his wits to work and evolved this latest
business venture. 48N
His idea of universal loan bureau prom
ises we'll Stations are to be opened in every
town and city of the Union, where any one
who has paid bis three dollars subscription
Can step in and secure an umbrella for the
passing shower.
These depots are to be not more than three
blocks apart and q small check given in lieu
If your three dollars secures you an umbrella
wherever you may happen to be- You may
take said umbrella from station in New
York and give it up at another station in
San Francisco or New Orleans.
Think what history your chance umbfel-
Ia may have. Through how many hands
may it pass In year, and as to its whole life
time we scarce dare give a guess. We all
know by sad experience theaverage duration
of our individual umbrellas in times past.
~
Our Teutonic friend is not only q beneiac-
tor in the sense of public convenience but
Imagine how morals win improve generally,
when the cause for SO much fsgrant dishon-
esty and Irritation of temper is removed.
This is almost but not quite as good as Bel
lamy's rain-protectng device in Looking
Backward
49, -ad
Every day we zee some new cure for the |
drink habit (happy euphemism); to getregu-
larly, besstly drunk is also out of fashion.
Bi-chioride of gold was for time the most |
popular remedy, but we heard of one the 9TH
er day that threatens TO supplsnt them all.
The lovely, innocentappea confusion
dealing poison Ivy in the hands of an irate
New Jersey wife has effected a wondrous
cure.
This is something quite to hand, accessible
to every farmers wife, and far cheaper than |
any former remedy.
This long suffering female aforesaid gather
ed some leaves from the poison ivy and with
them plentifully besprinkled the bed on which
she carefully laid her overcome spouse.
The consequences we can all picture; when
husband came to himself he found he was
in an exceedingly infamed, bloated, and pain
ful CONDITIONAL due to the dangerous
drink habit. SO he promptly takes the
pledge and abjures the cup forever.
So $3.50 49, - .=-
Moral: Unsuspecting husbands beware
when the wife of your bosom goes culling
golden rod, thoroughwort and other lovely
growing things which deck our roadsides.
Her bouquet may enclose such fiery things.
can't describe their bites and stings.
80
Ward McAllsters latest contribution to
literature is as unique a thing as ever fell
from mortal pen.
He gives US the ethics of dinner-giving.
More than the ethics, he condescends to let US
poor mortals who exist in state of total de-
prasity hear the itemized expenses to a gall
liant 400, when he spreads his board.
Actually it costs him so much per head,
dollars and cents, more dollars and fewer |
cents in another sense, no sense at all, in |
fact nonsense all around.
-
After telling us Newport ball should foot |
up to at least 81 900 for a night, and New |
port dinner cost round $500, he gives us a |
list of the delicacies and wines with their ex-
act cost in dollars and cents.
His criticisms top the high water mark OF |
culture.
Speaking officially he says-"The age in
which we live is marked by a great want of
appreciation of fine wines"
Further-"In these modern days exception
has been taken TO ones criticizing another's
dinners On this point assert that agitation
is an element of nature.
.Msny people of the present day are such
new creations that they literally know not
what is the correct thing and what society
allows and practices"
So
Dinner-giying, from Ward McAllisters
point of view, Is a high art; involving all the
tact, fnesse and jsu Gesprit of the four hun
dred. a @ .ssaaa.
But from another point Of view, say from
the standpoint of Russian peasant-not
only no dinuer-giving, but dinners altogether
an unknown quantity.
Think Of it, friends, people by the thou
sands actually eating grass. We may think
of 1t but we can never realize it.
And yet good impulse gathers as it goes.
Ifoue, two. three, four, @ dozen, twenty per-
sons once get interested in thing how the
interest grows: The impetus once started
carries every one along and soon like . flock
of sheep we are landed on the other side of
the ditch we thought impossible.
-
Who's the first man in Hartford to come
forward with his FIVE bushels of wheat for
the starving millions across the waters Five
bushels among million you say. Here's
something new for the guess" friend. How
many grains in five bushels of wheat!
Five bushels multiplied indefinitely is
what we are trying TO get at.
Some philanthropist wants every farmer
In all this broad land, who has raised fair
crop of wheat to send five bushels to famine
stricken Russia. He calculates If each one
gives this little out of his abundance that we
can send many cargo of relief across the
blue seas.
Only we must not sit down and laugh at
our philantbropic friend, and say the things
impraciicable and it can't be done.
Where there's American will there's always
an American way.
By all means let the Amer lean farmer make