The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1891-05-27
The Arizona Kicker.

The Arizona Kicker.
Last December. when we had complet-
al the repairs 20 the picket fence sur
reminding oGr private graveyard and mao
counted up the graves, We announces
our earnest hope that the number Would
never exceed nine. We never really |
wanted to kin any one of the batca,
much preferring TO live at peace with al |
mankind, but it was case OF shoot nrs'
or 90 under in each and every instance
and IL became our duty to shoot.
EVERYBODY knows we have done the
souare thine when compelled TO outht
man for the far of country. We have
bougbt collins, furnished shrouds, got up
funeral professions and planted the I'M
migrant on our own private lot, where
his beadboard would rot be taken by the
cowboys fort euchre table, nor his bones
become the prey Of the coyotes. 1t is
needless to add that We shall continue
10 pursue this liberal policy in the iu-
ture. while the subscription price OF the
Kieter will still remain at two dollars
per year.
As stated in the beginning, we hoped
to keep the number down TO nine, but
circumstances over which we had no
control erected a tenth headboard the
other day. In writing up Col. Wood
houses new ranch two weeks ago we
;ocularly referred to a cowboy as Cock
eved Bill" It seems that his proper IL
lie is "sauint-eyed William" and he took
offense at our license. We have invarla'
blv noticed that when we attempt any
thing Secular somebody dies before the
month expires, and we shall now swear
off.
Bright and early Monday morning the
gentleman with the imperfect optics
opened the front door Of our office with
a great deal Of useless energy, and before
we could give him c. o. d. rates on
half-colum ad. be was banging away at
us We knew, from the way hls frst
bullet chawed its way through the straw
hat we wear in the Office that he meant
business. and we didn't allow any Vis-
ions of the dear old home back in New
England. with mother standing in the
, door, stop us from getting ready to return
his courtesies.
, William shot the hands off our office
, clock, split the ear of the Chinaman who
turns the crank Of our power press, and
; blasted the peaceful life Of yaller cat
; which we paid five dollars for in Tucson;
/ but when the cannonade had ceased VIII
: liam had gone down the long, dark trail
TO ioin his forefathers. We were, OF
a course. promptly acquitted before the
q coroner's jury, and we think we did the
s square thing when we got thirteen vehi-
IS cles out TO Williams funeral.
z All our readers will bear witness to the
r fact that we have exercised the greatest
patience in bearing the slurs and taunti
: of our esteemed weekly contemporary
/, On three different occasions we would
: have been perfectly justified in killing
: him. but We restrained our hand because
, we knew he owed his two compositori
y money which they would lose if he wen
under ground. We long ago decided tC
10 paw no further attention to him, no mat
n ter what he said but there was an item
y, in his last issue which calls for worC
re or two of explanation from us,
al Our lop-eared, lop-shouldered, knock
US kneed, slab-sided, ramshackle; bald
'ff headed, poverty stricken, cross-eyed, wei
~ footed. toothless old contemporary, witt
lg an average circulation of2l7 copies week
ly against our tens Of thousands (see ou
sworn statements, says that we wer
cowhided in our own sanctum thre
keeks ago by a lady named Miss Greer
u. who is g music teacher lately arrive
iu from Indiana.
VS. His statement is an insult to q younl
ny beautiful and accomplished lady. VIII
X was at once accorded the ontray Of tn
hg best society in the town, and who cam
ne here with letters of the higest recommer
ny dation from respectable people.
" Mrs. Green called at The Kicker offiC
y in the most amiable mood and with th
most peaceful intentions. She simpl
= and sweetly desired us to publish one
iP her original poems entitled, when Il
Hens Egg Nests Again" and we wei
& thrice glad to do so. 1t appears on OF
ie third page to-day, and We feel that v
u u cannot say too much in praise Of it.
VI Thus do we confound, paralyze, upse
IN break in two and knock out the huma
hyena whose spiteful soul would blacke
our private character before this commit
nifty, and with it the fair reputation Of a
angel in female clothes. Words fail
express our contempt for this inhums
monster, but no advance will be made