Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1891-11-17
ALWAYS INTERESTING.
BABY ANALYzED. FROM THE srAno.
POINT OF A BACHELOR

Some Comparisons That the Fond N1oth.,
anu DeVoted Aunt Will Indignantly
Repud ate-After All, the Child Teac,..
Mankind the Lesson of Faith.
hanies belong to the neuter gender 50
may oe iassed with the marine ascidian
ana otier Jellylike structures. Thew
shouio invariably be spoken of as eft. y
anu spec'liations as to ultimate sex should
never De INDUCED in in presence of tbe
parents, but it is always safe to mata =
general statement of ''its being like its 70.
ther." Even if it should eventuallv t,r,,
out to be a girl, this statement is not en-
posed to cast any stigma upon il or ;ts
mother, but is generally received with
gratitude '''
Roughly speaking, babies NAV he Divided
INTO two classes-those that resemble nj os
ana those that have more of the character.
istics OF the monkey tribe. The mig ynri.
ETY. Is usually sloppy in texture and runs
over IN Inc matter of cheeks, and has a
multiplicity OF chins, each more unstable
onan the other; to kiss an infant of this
class rese nbies kissing poached egg. and
unuer very Few circumstances is handling
aovlsable, as the head appears to be iusuf
nciently attached to the main BODY. and
rolls in an astonishing manner. Total
badness and great bunchiness and bulb
business OF skull are usual with this sne-
lies, though sometimes there is thin COW
erlng OF white or primrose colored down
on the head
these babies are usually called "fine chill
dren, and their legs are often exhibited in
confirmation of the statement. The legs
are fashioned upon the proportions of sn
Ill distributed rolypoly, and their circum-
ference is usually in excess of their length
Persons of great nicely and exactness of
pollteness insert a finger under one of the
chlns of these creatures, and make a little
chucklins noise, which gives great salts
faction to the parents, while exceptionally
strong minded people will make a dent in
the cheek or even in both cheeks and COO:
but it requires long practice and phenome-
nal GOODNESS to carry this off satisfactorily.
as not infrequently the infant considers
the act in the light of liberty and raises a
howl; hasty retreat is the only approved
course in hat event.
IRREGULARITIES
The ot' or variety of baby, the monkey
sort, Is frequently hairy on the head. and
of very dep red ocher or intense orange
color. Ii iuclines to skinniness. and as
cumstanc' the visitor should ALWAYS make
some remark as to the astonishing length
OF the limbs and predict that it will be a
tail child. Nervous people often feel a GER
tam alarm at being with infants of this
class, because the expression of their faces
Is so prem Iturely old and wise. The cley-
crest man feels his mise BILE insignificance
and FOOLS hness beneath the weird stare of
one OF these infants; it is so UNNECESSARILY
wise and ancient, so far removed from the
mistakes Of human life
On the other hand, it is safer to hold one
of these than one of the former variety, be-
cause they have rudimentary bones and do
not fall to pieces; also their heads are
firmly attached to the rest of them and do
not roll. The real secret of successfully
holding both sorts of babies is to grasp the
clothes firmly and let the baby look out for
itself. 1t cannot, however, be impressed
too strongly upon the mind that inverte-
brate amin ais are best regarded from dis
tance and not tempered with.
A careful and intelligent study of the
baby leads the impartial observer TO the
conclusion that it is n development of the
genus or order Holothurian, creature
composed of a mouth aud rudimentary
stomach. Let any one who doubts this
within reI n of baby, and he will see it
conveyed. Is matter of course, to that
baby's mouth. This is universal law of
babyhood; coal, soap, penknives, hair
brushes, books. toys. boots. umbrellas, are
all tested 10y the mouth, and the biggerthe
article the more the baby enjoys the effort
TO swallow it.
BABY Is AN oPTTMIST.
The epidsrms. or outer surface of the
baby, hears a general resemblance to vel
vet and friils, but "a the town naturalist
is not often provided with a magnifying
glass, be cannot speak with certainty of
the huge masses Of millinery in nurses
arms invariably containing n baby.
4 general rule may here he giveu-when
the mass sIueals il i safe to conclude that
there is a laby inside, as all naturalists are
agreed that babies can and ID squeal; but
even here here is very little statistical in
formation % he relied upon, some authori-
ties stating that The creature is of noctur
nal habits and bowls chiefly at nights,
others declaring that il iiowls increasingly
while mott ers rapiurously affirm that baby
never cries There ought TO be very little
difficulty in collecting reliable information
on this point, but the self devotion of our
savants has NOS reached that point yet.
Historically considered, the babies have
never been of much account unless they
were of the male sex. and not always then.
One interesting feature is 10 be observed
in the baby of the present day. Although
so low dow n in the scale of events, the last
born baby starts in life with the same ego
ism and Sc confidence AS if it were the
first aud only baby in the world. The ex-
perience OF hundreds of generations has
done not hing To modify the natural hope
fulness anu optimism of the baby. Cain
himself WIS not Setenely optimist
than the last new infant, for the stu and
sorrow of The world does not touch the
baby. II starts as fresh As Adam every
time and believes il can have the moon to
play with win the same CHEEKY obstinacy
that its prehistoric thousandth great
grandfather did.
The reign of faith can never die out
while babies are being born; they believe
everything. hope everything, desire every
thing. Culture will doubtless do some
thing TO modify the extreme youthfulness