St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-08-06
How a Woman Is Expected to
Serve Her Lord and
Master.
Thou Shalt Not Touch His
Newspaper, His Pipe and
His Bootjaek.
How Cold Feet at Night Re-
suit in Cold Shoulder in
the Morning.

QredS or slaves are not pargalneu LOT anu
sold in the matrimonial market to mas
tiers who call them wives, but in reality
make them slaves; slaves to all their
petty passions, lealousies and caprlces,
says writer in the Cincinnati CONNER
cial Gazette. A bondage all the more
bellttIing because, forsooth. before the
world they must kiss the hand which
applies the scourge. The sooner
woman learns to submit to this
gracefully the better. 1t is her fate.
There Is no help for it.
Instead of using my pen as medium
merely to explain the best methods OF
removing stains from carpets, the in
gradients of newly discovered pie or
pudding, the most excellent polish for
cleaning silver. the sovereign remedy
for Johnny's Group or Maggie's mumps,
or burns, bruises or bunlOns, the trinity
of ills beginning with 3D." L am going
to use it as a weapon iii defense or my
sex, and liberate such as are married
from their serfdom. Wives, dlScour-
age open warfare; it is dangerous; but
by strategy the battle may yet be won.
Being wife myself, and having the eX-
perience of ten happy years of double
bleSsedneSs," [ am going to give you
the benefit of certain rules which L
nave faithfully observed with salts
factory results.
FirSt-Never disturb mans own, his
razor, nor his bOOtja Jack, nor his pipe. nor
his umbrella. nor his valuable papers"
ner his spectacleS, nor anything that is
his, for if you do you Will break the
first and greatest commandment in his
decalogue and will be punished accord
ingly.
Second-Never put your cold feet on
a man at night, for he will give you the
cold shoulder in the morning.
About His Newspaper.
Third-Never presume to be the first
to tamper with the morning paper. Let
his eager eve be the first to scan its
columns. He will be in fever of impa-
tience to know how Lackawanna or
Lake Shore is selling, the quotations on
wheat. which horse won the Derby at
Chicago, or, if he is going on business
trip, he will want to consult the time
table to see the schedule of the T. u, y,
train, which he will catch in due time.
Oh there will be a thousand things so
much more important to know than
who's gone to the seaShore, wnere you
can find the best bargains, ard the de-
| licious denouement of the latest scandal.
Restrain your curiosity i'll this respect
and you'll be happy.
FOurth-Never drag a man to church
! under protest, for he will mOrtify you
! by swearing and grumbling all the way,
| even if you have new dress or bonnet
you want to show off. Don't do it:
wear it when you call on your friends
| or stand for an hour on the corner
waiting for car. where all will see and
admire il. BY this sacrifice you will
| have saved his soul and will be united
| to him in heaven. 20 contrary TO this
advice and you'll part to meet no
| more"
| Fifth-AIways be engaged IN some
work when he is at home, no matter
what you have been dong during the
| dav-sleeping, lOating. reading the lat
! you see him coming hide your novel,
| grab up your account book, frantically
! put the point of a pencil III your
/ mouth, prop your feet on another
| chair, and have that far-away, anxious
| what on earth MISUNDERSTANDING
other-S2 expression when he comes
| in. He will praise you for your econ
| omy, try to help you figure 1t out. be
| come so bored ne will toss you five to
! square your account. commence talking
| about other matters, and you will smile,
not because he is dear old hubby, but
| such dear old fool, who doesn't know
you squandered that two as matinee
money, and so. instead of being 81 out
| you'll be s. ahead. Do this occasionally
and you'll be rich.
The Dinner Table.
SiYth-Remember that all your do
nestle peace and happiness rest upon
| the four legs of the dinner table. l con-
| jure you to feed him well. If were to
dissect man to find his heart l would
insert the scalpel in that part of his
| anatomy called his stomach, and, like
Archimedes. cry Eureka, If he have a
fOndness for cabbage, Goldfish or onions,
have them, by all means, for dollars TO
cents if you have them this week you'll
have a silk dress next. There would be
fewer divorces if man always felt
right in the aforementioned part OF
his anatomy.
Seventh-Never interrupta man when
he is reading, writing. talking. sleeping,
eating, and, above all, when he is SnOr-
ing.
Eighth Tell him Oh all occasions "he
is not like other men," OF course this
compliment is ambiguous, but he will
not fail to be fiattered.
Niuth-Should you wish TO go to the
Zoo some time in the evening, by pre-
concerted arrangement have youry young
est absorbed Ill playing with his Noah'S
ark animals, when your eldest will throw
his arms around his fathers neck 10y
preconcerted arrangement. and beg
| be taken to the Zoo some day; that he
| has never seen a real live lion or leOp-
| ard. His father will feel reproached and
| think of the days of his youth when he
saw the elephant" and "bucked the
| tIger.r and the consequence OF this little
| maneuver will be that the next Sunday
| a typical American family will be stroll
ing through the gardens, not only see
| ing the lions and leopards, elephants
| and tigers, but the monkeys and snakes,
| the rhinoceroses and hippOpotamuses
and all the pretty little ponies as we'll,
and helping the public institutions along.
Dependent on a Button.
Tenth-Always have a needle and
| thread ready, and above all button or
| two, for on these depend mans sus-
| penders, and sometimes the respecta-
| bility of the family.
In addition, l would say that men are
| very much like children. and, as such,
have to be humored and petted and
wheedled into doing anything they
don't want to do by promises and brides
add all sorts of strategems. If any
woman has the cleverness to amuse
them with fairy tales, brighten them
into obedience with ghost stories, and
stuff their crops or craws with the sugar
plums of flattery. in my opinion, she is
s.well up in her lines" and from where
| sit in an imaginary private box, ap-
| plaud her heartily.
| Now. nv sisters, if by one suggestion
| of mine l have shown you the index to
| your future course, and thereby have
| lightened your domestic burden, my