The morning call., 1891-02-02
THEY NEVER LIE,
But They Tell a Pretty Good
Story at Times for Practice.
A Collection Vouched For as Authentic by the
Gentlemen Who Narrated Them
Drummers' Experiences.

Chicago, last week. They smoked imported
cigars at the expense of their respective
firms. and snapped stories about the big
bills they had sold, says the Philadelphia
Times.
mot long ago." began a clothing drum
mer with truthful eye and candid glance.
81 went to Wichita to show my samples to
a well-known house. 1t was a good concern,
but prices had to be rock-bottom to tempt
them. When l struck the town 1 found
Grape on the door-knob of the store, and a
card announced that Mr.. K, the senior
member of the firm, was dead. You bet
was sorry, especially as 1 had come sixty
miles to see Mr.. K. rang the bell, to offer
my coincidence, and Mr.. K. Jr., brother of
the defunct. answered my summons. After
expressing my regrets at the sad occurrence,
said:
81 suppose you'll not feel like looking at
my samples under the present circum-
| stances
"'Well. l don't know; have you any
"' Rather. The biggest bargain ever Of
fered.'
and seemed lost In thought need a few
suits he said, but l can't go to the hotel.
! The funeral don't come off before 3 o'clock.
If you will bring your trunks in here before
| noon I'll look at your stuff l brought my
| trunks into his place and began to display
| my merchandise. In one corner of the
| dingy store stood the coffin containing the
| calm and waX-like remains of the deceased.
| We spoke in whispers so as not to disturb
the solemnity of the scene. Unfortunately
my prices were not low enough to tempt Mr..
! K. in his present sad state of mind. Too
| dearP was his invariahle comment, no ma t.
| ter how close / shaved the figures. / was in
| dispair. for l saw the coveted order slip
through my fingers. l determined upon
| stroke of diplomacy.
Can you use any Middlesex flannel
| suits ?'' | asked.
"'rhat depends. How much?'
''Now the current price for these suit was
| SIS 80. Here was my opportunity.
i am prepared to offer you the genuine
| flannels at So suit | replied.
1.-The effect was magical. Instantly the
corpse sat up in its coffin and stared at me
with its CLASSY eyes.
I'm take all you've gotp cried the ca
daver, and sank back to its sleep of DEATH"
A death-like calm succeeded this sad
story. Then another salesman took the
| floor.
"Some people are close. for fact" he be-
gan. Last year | called on new concern
in Omaha, and by dint of unlimited treating
to high-price cigars and drinks | managed
to sell the proprietor bill of underwear.
There was barely II per cent profit in it.
The bill was promptly paid. but instead of
the customary per cent Mr.. L. had de-
Quoted 10 per cent discount. He wrote
| short note. as follows:
"Gents: Enclosed find my check for bill
Of the 18th, less 10 per cent. Hoping this is
satisfactory, l am ditto, ditto, ditto. Yours,
| ETC. So
"Some strong invectives were used when
this letter was opened by my firm, but it
| was first bill and Omaha was long way
| off, so we determined TO say nothing Last
week l called on Mr.. L. again and sold him
| another bill Look here said, when we
talked of dating, last time you deducted 10
per cent. If You take off more than per
| cent i'll future, back goes your check Mr..
| L. appeared satisfied.
"Now, tell me- 1 asked. what did you
mean by writing ditto at the end OF your
lettrr?'
"'Pll tell you in confidence said Mr.. l..
| L knew when your firm received my check
| they would do some tall swearing and would
| consigu me TO the internal regions, so just
put in ditto. ditto. ditto as amid rejoinder.'
Zone of the most difficult things to sell is
whisky" put in salesman of that COM
modify. "There was man in Pittsburg on
whom / had my eye for years, but l could
! excuse to put me off. l called on him one
day last week. joe said impressively
after we had drink. Il came to sell you
| some whisky. You remember you promised
| to buy from me on my next trip"
"'Indeed i should like to- was the re-
| joinder. but I've just received twenty bar
res and my cellar is chuck full
"'Well buy few barrels more l
| pleaded; you can always find room for say
| live barrels
Joe took an oath that he was anxious 10
! buy from me, but his cellar would not hold
another keg.
"If had the room he said, I'D give you
| an order Quicker'n lightning
/ al was seized ny n sudapn
went out, hunted up real estate agent and
rented cellar for year. Then l took the
lease to Joe.
"'Now, old man. said, you've got all
| the room you want I'm ready for your
order l got it, too"
"There are tricks in all trades" remarked
| the clothing drummer. Last Saturday
| spent in indianapolis, and with an eye to
! future orders | made myself useful at the
| old Irish woman came in, leading tail,
| overgrown lad of 10.
"'Pd loike shoot for me boy she said :;
something purity an not too dear
"'Something for about STOP suggested
| the salesman.
whist, now, do yez take ME for Wan
| derbilt? Ofll not spend more nor So an
the lad a-srowin' livery day.
Madam, have just the thing Last
week we got in some real Irish imported
/
you have it for So
1.-The suit was produced, a plaid, pea-green
| satinette, which had been in stock for well
nigh twelve years. With the exception Of
being too short in the arms and legs it was
| beautiful fit
'Oi loike the color av that said the LADY,.
after inspection, but OPm afeard the
motAs'll be afther gettin' into the stuff and
! eatin' it for me-
50 No danger of that, ma'am,' answered
| the clerk. Ii any moths get into that suit
| they'll starve to death, for there amt enough
| wool in that suit to keepan able-bodied moth
alive. Besides, this green colorlng is Paris
| green, and Is warranted to kill any moth that
| gets near it."
"'Then OPl take the suit and she went
| on her way rejoicing.
"Talking about moths" said the hat
| drummer, reminds me of the story they
tell Of ky Solomon at Bowling Green. One
day colored gentleman entered his store in
| great excitement
".Look a hyar. boss he cried. dis we're
| brown triangle suit done boht OBJ yo' las
week, amt no good nohow. 1t am chuck
lyon didn't bought dat diagonal suit
| from me- replied ky, after surveying the
| suit. i don't keep my moths in my dag
onal suits. l keep dem in my cardigan
| jackets. Mr. Sloane down de shtreet keeps
| his moths In MS diagonal suits. You must
have bot dat suit at his shtore. Everybody
knows his own bishness best"
II should like to contribute my tale"
said a coffin drummer. 81 used to be an
| undertaken in Cincinnati. One day Ger
man came in with Grape around his hat and
wQe-begone expression upon his face.
you yos der undertaken? he asked l ad-
mitted the imputation. 'Mein bruder have
yust died and would like to send him to
bis home in New York. Vot vos der besht
way to ship himp'
"'You'd better freeze tho body and send
IL OH ice,' suggested.
Vat you sharge for freezin' my brud