davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
A Boston Boys Tops.

One top is named Stonewall Jack SOB, because of an dnconquerable tendency to ''ride ahead of the rest. This name shows that Barbara Freitchie" has stuck ip the memory of at least one small boy, Another long legged top, which has de- Eded preference for stationary attitude n spinning, and wears an aspect of pa-
 ient. smiling dignity, is named Gen. Grant, because, it's owner said, it sug- gested to him Gen. Grant "sitting in his window and smiling down on the children going by to church''-obviously an incl. dent of the generals last illness which had impressed the small boys imagins~ tion. There is certain battered old top. scanned with lashings and perforated with hostile peg holes, which nevertheless lies. very close to it's owners heart, and which proudly bears the designation, always quoted at its full length, of "Daniel Web- ster, the old war horse" One top has the name of Pegasus, a title which the Listener" fondly fancied showed clas. sical tendency on the part of Tommy's tastes until, upon inquiry, he found that 1t was borrowed from the name of @ highly approved locomotive on the Boston and Lowell railroad. Boston Transcript
 Listener"
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Contse,saasr.s .ss' of EunasC Esx ee, Sea

Every days experience may supply fires illustrations of the immense iniiu. ence of cOntagion !n the development d all clman emotions. Nor is it by any meals to be set down as a weakness pecul.
 Jar to or characteristic of feeble mind, to be blndly susceptible of such con. tagi0n. Even the strongest wills are bent and warred y the winds of other mems passions, le,sistently blowing in giver directions. Original minds, gifted with what the French call resprit prime sautier, are perhaps, indeed, affected rather more than less than commonplace people by the emotions of those around them, because their larger natures are more open to the sympathetic shock. Like ships with every sail set, they are caught by every breeze. It is a question of de- gree how mGch each man receives of in- duence from his neighbors.
 Moreover, be 1t carefully noted, it is only by contagion, and not by any kind of authority or command, that emotions can be communicated. It is q matter of com mon observation that any effort to direct the emotions to order has tendency to produce the opposite effect to the one in- tended. To challenge man to be brave Is to make him nervous; to bid him ad- mire person or work of art is to sug- gest to him to be critical; to command a young man or woman to love the elect of their parents is to chill any nasccnt in- clination in the desired direction, and to make it duty for Montagus to hate Capulets is to start the loves of Rom.o and Juliet We must give the feeling we desire. We cannot possibly impose it, Fortnightly Review.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Grief of an Actress.

Speaking of actresses, the public only gets faint and occasional ideas of the per. sonal griefs whick are often masked by the mimic jollity of the stage. An actress at city theatre was engaged the other night in the performance of soubretts role The part called for unceasing gayety of manner and frequent laughter. Ths job was half done for the night, and the recess between acts was nearly over, when 8 telegram was handed to her. Sh. opened it, and read the simple words ''He is dead" Her agitation was in. tense, but it was no time for private sor. row. The prompter's bell rang, the cur. tain went up, and the comedienne skipped into view of the audience as merry of as pect as before. The message had dropped from her nerveless hand at the wings, ana fellow actor had picked it up. Whel the girl came off the scene he restored k 70 her.
 'Isn't it drcadfulr' she asked.
 ''Lamentable, indeed" the man re piled, sympathetically. "Who is ity''
 My pet pug dog, Adele" And durH tie rest of the play the poor actres masked her grief, ah1 had not even tn! sympathy of that actor to sustain hci until the final fall of the curtain-Nev York Sun.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
A Dangerous Joke.

It doesn't pSy to be too sharp. as a West Side German barber has discovered. for he lost customer recently by trying to be facetious. He was shaving an Irishman. as he had done many times be. fore, but never without an argument as to the relative merits of each one's na. tionality. These controversies had al. ways been good natured. but on the occa- sion in question the barber said, as he finished brushing the Lishman's hair; We'll. vas rather shave dree Germans us von Irishman any day in dot week."
 "Phat's thatY" cried the man from Cork. Maybe yez hev sinsible rayson for that same; if yez have. it's more thin I've heard from yez yit."
 "You bet vas had some goot reason, ; replied the barber. with broad smile "I vas got dirty cents for dree Germans, und l vas only got den cents for von Irishman; you see dotf"
 The Irishman had argued for months, and had never lost his temper, but to have joke sprung on him in that cold manner was more than he could stand.- Chicago Herald.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Paris Matrimonial Ager cies.

The police divide the matrimonial agen 'ies into three classes. The first ca; egory aas for ordinary clients the noblemar without fortune and the high government tunctionary who has been retired on pension. The feminine element is gener. ally recruited among the foreign colony, orphans with dowry and rich widows who bore themselves to death in the prov. nces. The second class agents negotiate with lower grade functionaries, retired officers and middle class folk, who are 'pOor but honest" In the third class is comprised all the agencies that accept nt matter who, provided they can eXtort good commission for tLeir services. This classification is doubtless an arbitrary one, but it is con,modious for police re. luirements. In the best of these agen- ties, little if any advance payment is required, but the applicant signs an agreement to give or more per cent. on the dowry within a certain length Ot time. l hardly need add that the W iliest agents manage to ''t1Nch" commission rom both parties -xIsncss Leland in The Ev>-.>L
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Deathbed Meanness.

From reader at the south have the following. which, if rather apocryphal, is at least not half bad:
 Your clever account of "Old M.," the old German of the past generation who hoarded his money by pinching and stint ing. recalls to my mind an incident in the life of H., of Baltimore. Dur ing the last illness before his death he became unable to turn over in his bed, and though his riches might well have surrounded him with every comfort, he stoutly refused to hire a nurse. He sent for an upholsterer, who was directed to suspend from the ceiling heavy piece of picture cord. This he was to use to pull himself over from side to side. The up. holsterer's charges were seventy five cents. H. then told the upholsterer that he had but a few more days to live and asked him to take back the cord at his death for fifty cents and collect the twenty-five cents for the wear and tear from the estate.-Town Topics.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
THE SCARE CAT" DEVICE,
[ New Invention That Mnst Meet win
 General Approval.

{ New Invention That Mnst Meet wit,
 General Approval.
 xr. Bart Kane, of Brooklyn, K pres, aent of the Scare Cat club, hAJ the thanks c this office for copy of his new inventio called the "Scare Cat" Thinking that littl sRat descriptive of the device would not h company with the author, examined ant criticised it and must heartily indorse it.
 The machine or appliance consists of dc collete black walnut box, around which al elastic gum band is lightly attached. Insid the low neck box a small bait is arranged q such @ way as to catch the eye of the com mon, midnight, predatory Tom cat. He ex ecutes a low, passionate vail, smells the bai and hunts for it. When he takes his heal out of the low neck lunch counter common elastic band goes with him at a rapid rat across the state of New York.
 The following day @ cat with swollen ap pearance and apoplectic bulging eye | found dead in the corner of a fence in St Lawrence county. Thus does the ''scan cat" save much in the outlay of bootjacks if New York, and add to the business of tn, coroner in St. Lawrence county.
 The attractive features of the "scare cat are so apparent to the casual observer that when the president of the Scare Cat club c! Brooklyn opened out on the corner of ths City Hall park, near the postoffice, not long ago, the crowd overwhelmed Mr. Kane ant 8 policeman had to prohibit the sale of thr great boon oH the streets of our town.
 can truly say that after successfully usin. the "scare cat" for night or two on dele gation of silver throated songsters of State Island, who have been in the habit of comb, underneath our easement at eventide arc singing, Sweet Spirit, Hear My Prayer,' that it is good thing. Nine baritone ,nts with purple faces and bulging eyes triei n catch the 12 o'clock boat for New York, and died before they could get their ticket chopped
 sleep we'll now and miss that seal ngown taste in the mouth which I formerly noticed on getting up. Life seems to wear a more roseate hue, and I say frankly to Mr. Kane that he is my benefactor. The common elas. tic band sold at stationery stores is all the outlay required each night, and it will make . common tortoise shell cat hang his tongue out SO far that any physician can readily as certain what is the matter with him.
 The "scare cat" has a wonderful career ahead of it, and have no doubt that in the near future it will be so far perfected that by putting nickel in one corner it will catch contralto cat, pull his tongue out nine incheJ. play g tune and bury the cat.--New Yer. World
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
cHiLDHOOc'S FAIRIES.

When tha w!nd comes cool from the drow-v wes, And the sun goes down and the shadows die, And the sounds of the day are hushed to rsst And the stars are lit in the deepening sky, Then the tree toads lift their fljckering cry, And the crickets chirrup their virelays, And think at the flash of flrehy- These are the fairies of childhood days. Then the weird owl hoots iron, her hollow nest. And beves of chattering bats fly by, And the frogs :n the moonlit inarsh protest, While katyt''is picker on branches high; And over the tree tops one may spy
 The shinlmering twinkle of silver rays, And the woods awake and tie great pines sign "These are the fairies of cf ildhood days" Then the whip-poor-wills trip their stern behess And the "culprit fay,'' with tear at his eye. Ayers that the honest way is the best Confessng the fault that he can't denyi-- Invisible legions of wee thin gs lie
 In the hollow hid where tue cold stream strayA And leaves sing to leaves aa they peek and pey- ''These are tbs fairias of zh1dhood dlsx" Ho! Robin Goodfellow, your caps awryi And Katydid, dear, your .heeks are ablaze! But ou'y the whispering winds reply >ras.> aye the fairies of childhood days"
 "A. H. A,
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
A Trick of Speech.

Tricks of speech grown into mannerisms often betray peorle into blunders absurd enough One instance of this comes from 6 town in Maine. where dwelt a man who qual flied his reply to every question with the word "handy" twisted into some sort of a conditional clause It was even asserted tha, he proposed to the lady who became his wife by declaring he would like to marry her "ii she could make it handy" but this very likely Is fabrication of invidious gossips
 Calling recently at a house. of which ths late master was lying unburied in the parlor, the visitor was asked if be would like to see The remains of his xG friend.
 Well, yes," he answered, ''that is, I'd lik' 70 see them if you've got 'er 'rouui handy If you haven't, it's no matter.'- BostU Courier.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
An Evidence of Insanity.

"Mr. Yoder, your daughter Irene has given me her permission to ask of you her hand in marriage; but before I ask for your formal consent you will pardon me If l make the inquiry. as it is matter of lifelong consequence to me, whether or not there have ever been any indications of insanity. so far as you know, in your iamilyf"
 "You say Irane has accepted you. MT. Hankinsony''
 Il am happy to say she has,"
 "Then, sir" said the old man, shaking his head dejectedly, ''it is my duty, as her father. to tell you that l think Irene is showing decided indications of insanity Chicago Tribune.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
4 Me .MORY.

1 peIfunssd aeliFism steals through the afr As sit heIe alone, and the fire light dies, And you stand here again, with your exq.ts5sa
 hair,
 With your paTsionate lips and your pleading
 eyts. N was here thGs you sat. If stretch out mJ
 hand
 can almost believe that touch you again; like the hunger mad sailor who springs for the
 land
 That he sees in his madness, but springs for in
 vain. No h,a, people know they are mad-do you think; And do the dead know they are d,ad-tell me
 thisg 1 5c.ire not for should be willing to sink Into madness or death heath the sls<l of yosD
 kiss. You're here once again-leaning back jO this chsir And am content to crouch here at your knee In the flesh you are distant-but what do care That your body is there, since your soul Is wiaA
 meH
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Cu1ture's Cost.

Fond Father--I declare, Aggie, you are @ perfect fac-simile of your mother when she was your age.
 Aggie Uust home from boarding schooD Please call me Agonies, papa As you say, l presume I am a fah simmeel of mamma in her younger days.
 Fond Father (communing with himself in the woodshed few moments later)- Papa! Mamma! Agonies! Fah simmeeli Jumpin Jerusalem! Is that what 1 pay $150 term forl-Chicago Tribune.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
THE LOST ArLANTIS.

For many centuries there has been ( tradition of long lost island called Atlantis.
 The Greek geograpc,s located t d the Atlantic Ocean, west of the nOrtlI- west part of Africa and the Pillars oi Hercules. The sea-kings 4 Atlantis arc said to have invaded Europe and Africa, and to have been defeated by the Athen. ians.
 All the legends agree that it was vast island, of inexhanstible resources, and inhabited by race of superior people. For ages this island has existed ouly in legendary lore. But now, when the light of modern research 's turned full rpon the investigation, behold the lost Atlantis at our very do,r-.
 So the bigoted medical frate 'nty goes an Atlantis or Esculapius, when if they would investigate, they would behold the lost Atlantis at their very door. With their ancient text Cook, a case of physic, a paper in their waistcoat giving them license to practice, experiment and dose with their injurious drugs, couter. ize and perform unnecessary acts, with no person or law to hold them account able, they continue their bigoted, une justified prsrtice, staring iuto vacancy, ana in. agining that they see in them. selves an Escd.apius.
 Wrapped in ancient blgotry, they arc crying out against all improvements lhat have been made in medical science They denOLnce any new idea advanced ny layman or an opposition school as ( fraud.
 Why?
 Because humanity will not be bens. fited? Not at all, but because their epecialism did not make the discovery.
 Yet they concede that there is no rem. edy known to their nateria medica that will cure an advanced kidney malady and the diseases arising therefrom-al. though many of them know from crown ing proof that Warmers Safe Cure will- but unscrupulously treat symptoms and call them disease, when in reality they know they are but symptoms.
 A few of the more honest physicians admit that Warmers Safe Cure is a valu- able remedy, and a great blessing to mankind, but say in so many words, when asked why they do not prescribe it, that they cannot. according to their code.
 Nevertheless, the world is fast becom- ing satisfied that the cure for kidney and liver diseases, in whatever form or con- dition, has been discovered, and there is no doubt but what Warmers Safe Cure and it's fame will live long after such bigotry as we have instanced is dead and buried.
 The late eminent physician and writer, Dr. J. G. Holland, published in "Scrib. ner's Monthly" and showed his opinion of such bigotry, and no doubt was satis. fled that Atlantis might pos .ibly be dis covered in proprietary medicine, when he wrote editoria ly, as follows:
 Nevertheless, it is fact that many of the best proprietary medicines of the day were more successful than many of the physicians, and most of them, t should be remembered, were first dis covered or used in actual medical prac- tice. When, however, any shrewd psr son, knowing their virtue, and foroseeing their popularity, secures and advertisea them, then, in the opinion of the bigoted, all virtue went out oi them."
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Dark Days Ahead.

Stranger (to Arizona citizen)--What wrong in this town3 It's as quiet as a graveyard.
 "A big calamity. pilgrim. Col. Bilks is dead. and don't see how we'll get along without him."
 "Whyf Was he necessary to the townf"
 "Necessaryf Guess so, stranger. He was the only man in these parts that could make hangman's knot. "--Lincoln Journal.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Keeping It Up.

''It doesn't matter how little you may save," moralized Jiggs, 'as long as you put it away regularly it amounts up at the end of the year. Now. put away 10 cents every night"
 But you cant keep up resolution like that"
 Il have"
 When did you beginf"
 "L,. night. New York Evening Sun.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
h.V rG Remove Snot.-

An Austin y,Itb, whose income is not ,Iuite as extensive as that of Vandsrtilt's, got large ink .lpt .sn his coat. He aslies. friend how sA las.,n could be removed.
 "You cah get | chemical preparation 1nr twenty five cents Just soak the spot VILE it, and it will come out
 "I guess had better soak the wholc coar. can get s4 by soaking the crat."-Tsxas 6ntiu9a
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Rules for Writing.

An article in Q September magazine tells "How to Write Story" A canal boatman who is out of work says that he attempted to write story after reading the article. and didn't succeed any better than if he had never seen 1t. Maybe he didn't use the right kind of ink.-Norris- town Herald.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Tired of Stripes.

Boodler Gust released from penitcntiary, to tailor)-l want you to get me up a first class suit of clothes.
 Tailor Gnnocentiy)-Ycs sir; something in the waypf nice stripe?
 Boodler eyes him darkly. and then orders a pronounced check.-The Epoch.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18

"To put this business on Q cash basis, Mir. Peduncle," said the father of the young lady. "in case you should marry Irene you must have something to live on. What are your expectations?"
 "Why. as to that, sir," replied the somewhat embarrassed young man. "l shouldn't expect much. of course, at the start, though it's kind of you to ask. May inquire the amount of life insur. ance you carryf"-Chicago Tribune.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
He RAS ., tn There.
money or vour I;fei

Robber-Your money or your lifei
 Victim-Well. look here, you may shoot if 70, like, but I'm cleaned out; have just brought my family from the seaside and Robber-All right, young man; know what that means. Pass right oni-Life.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
Popularity.

Mir Small-That man over there makes half dozen trips down town every day, and scores of women he don't know nod to him and try to stop him.
 The Victim-Is he an actor?
 MT. Small-No, Q street car conductor. -Life
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18

Helen, what in the world is the mat ter with your facef You look as though you might be first cousin to the mikado."
 "Why, I've done up my front hair in papers, and guess it's little tight."- Harper's Bazaar.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
What h Wanted.

ing on wheels thcrc may yet bo nn inven. tion that will enable man 10 paddle his own canoe without getting into deep wa:er.-Baltiuore American.
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
An Athletic Jph.

Simperson-Young Smithson has become como quite athlete, l hear.
 Bagley-That fellow an athlete2 Oh, mo- He could not walk around the block without resting. Simperson-Ah, well, he has been jumping his board bill, and that must be consider able job --Boston Fost
 - V cwvA
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18

Mr. Gotham lat tho ball game)-Do not Welch's curves Miss Breezy, remind you of Hogarths line of beauty9
 Miss Breezy from Chicago)-Well, really, Nr. Gotham, never saw Hogarth pitch New York Sun
Tombstone epitaph., 1891-01-18
The Later the Better.

The Later the Better. YNsaenger-Is this train on time, con. a8,c.or1
 CoDductor-One hour late. Passenger - We'll, that's outrageous. I'm in hurry to get to East St. Louis. Conductor-Have you ever been in East St. Louisf
 Passenger-No.
 Conductor-When you get there you will Do sorry the train wasn't later.-Ths Epoch.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1891-03-30
MEDICINAL.
SPRING Few E'Rs.

At this time OF the year the blood
changes, its circulation is sluggish and
the system is not properly nourished.
The result is loss of appetite, weakness,
an oppressive fee ing Of fullness. too hot,
and Gh 80 tired. To cure and prevent
Spring Fever take Simmons Liver Reg
ulstof. all nsture is now waking and
everybody should invigora.e The liver,
kidneys and bo sels with Simmons Liver
Regulator and they would not have 30
much biliousness, headache, dyspepsia,
and malaris all the rest Of the year. You
would not expect plant to work of a
winters decay and bloom as good as ever
without attention in the Spring. Don't
expect it OF your system. Take Sim
mons Liver Regulator.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1891-03-30

A BEAR IN R1DaEwooo.-Tbe people OF
Ridgewood, N. J., were not e little surprised
on Friday at the sight of huge Jet black
bear walking In esurely wsy through the
towu. It appeared dooile and made no at
tempt to iujure any one, but when it ran
across good .eizsd fowl 1t gave chase. The
fowl got away. 1t surprised party of col.
ored men washing wagons at livery sta
bic. They did not see their visitor until he
bad approached upcomfortsbly close, and
the manner in which the asIonshed men
vanished Was iudicrous. John Hopper got
rope. made moose in it and started on
horeeback for brnin. TIE animal just trot-
ted along just out of reach OF Hopper's lssso
for long time, but when 1t began to look
as if the boy would run it down, the bear
got angry and turned arnuod. Then be.
came race for Hopper's barn. Wben the
bear eaw he was not goire o be able to dine
on the boy he turned sgai" end went into
hs wood- Where be b. a, came from is a
N ys,esy. l. rad every appearance of being
wild, aud is supuosed to have strayed down
from some of the Psnnsy lvsnia forests by
way of the Erie railway.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1891-03-30
Health is w ealth

M c. WEsr's NERVE AND BRAIN TREAT
49, sfuaranteed specific for Eysteria, Dizzi-
Da.s Convu sions, Fits, Nervous Neuralgia, Head
.cbs .eryous Prostr4tion caused By the use OF
,icabol or tobacco, Wskefulnesz. Mental Depress-
on Solteniue of the Brain resulting in insanity
md Iesding to misery, decay aud death. Preus-
tpre Old age Barrennese, Loss OF Power
t. s;tler sax Involuntary Losses and Spermstor-
,5~s used by ove.-exertion of the brsin, self
,b5.a or over Indulgence E.ch hox contsius one
%ootbs treatment s1o0 q box, or ak boxes for
c5aO sent by mail prepaid on receipt of priee.
WE GUARANTEE SIX BOXES
30 cure sny case With each order received by as
far ak boxes. accompanied with $500, we will
send the purchaser or written guarantee to re-
fupd the money il the treatment does not effect a
CHARLES q LESE9N,
Druggist 604 King street,
General Agept AleXandris, Va.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1891-03-30
uEDlCINAL

~.s7eteeg- cures G:eeT, Con'ptGtn.;
es--].- Ei{;01ts Elections ana
-l:r~:tess A; druggists. Price p cts.