The farmers' union. (Memphis, Mo.) 1891-1895, 1891-07-16
How Capt. CUttIs Was FOiled,

Ao II SuP IL ooAAi" INV
The scene Of my story WA in one of
our most Iovulace Southern cities, and
the principal actor III this little drama
to be pre- cned WAS eautifnl girl,
whose twen,ieih birthday had just been
celebrated. and whose wealth and social
position we,e unriyaled in the part of
the country where she resided.
Her father Lad large planting in
terests. These were centered about q
small suburban town named Hol!i>ville.
and it was at the post, flee of this vii
lage that were received and deposited
the important communications tie pur-
port OF which it is now MY intention to
tell my readers.
Eddie" said Sophia. addressing her
Young brother as she glanced up from
O newspaper she was reading. would
you believe it. here are six CT more
matrimonial ADVERT enents before my
eyes. Bad enough for man to be ad
vertlsing for wife, Think of woman
STOPPING to such busine- putting
it i'll the columns of a newspaper that
she wants husband pretty bad off, to
say the least. Listen! this in the want
column:
4 YOUNG LADY p YEARS OF AGE, OF
y regular features, brunette type md colleei-
ate educution, desires correspondence with 1t
gentleman of refinement and suitable nee with
a view TO Inntrilnony. Address Miss Clara b.
Box -, Chicago.
IF she'd added 80, GOO to her charms
Ill answered myself" vociferated
Eddie.
I'D like to know what woman Of
twenty-five wants with Il Dlncompoop
like you" reloined his sister.
Ugh! Sis, only difference of nine
years. l tell you 800 . is not to he
sneezed at; that'lI blot out the dispar-
ity: you be doggone.'
For heavens sake, stop your slang,
Eddie. You don't know how it jars on
one. 'You lie doggone!' That's il nice
way to talk. However, a women who
is as anxious 10 leap into matrimony as
Miss Clara i. ought tc be encouraged
or made to suffer for her fooli ,hness,
one or the other. I'm going to answer
this advertisement and sign my name
Captain Cutie. But, Eddie, you must
have hand in the game. There's poor
fun in going i'll all alone. You'll have
to do the wri,ing--1 dictate, OF course =
then when YOU go down to HollisvilIe
every Saturday to the plantation YOU
can mail and receive the letters. Never
do to let those letters come here: p.
would tind it ont, sure
Eddie's eyes fairly glowed with
awakened interest wien Sophie made
known her proiec..
But, sis, what are you going to offer
in exchange for these regular features,
brunette type and llegiate eddcation ?
When man goes accounting lie ought
to go with ali equivalent
I'm going TO offer money: good height
and figure and conceded powers Ct
adaptabilitv."
Hereupon Eddie rocked back his char
and uttered loud guifaw. Capt. CUT
ties bubble. 4 big bubble, you betr
If you say You bet again Eddie
I'll have a nervous chill. What's the
sense in so much slang? What would
my future-our-fu future Miss Clara Is.
say?"
BE Jolly trick if this brunette type
should turn out to be q Jap or quad
roon, irrelevantly returned the Younger
brother, "A dismal winding up for sure.
Winding up, better talk bout start
ing. Get that ink and paper and let's
go to work"
Before the expiration of twenty miu.
utes the following lines were renned in
bold, manly chirography and placed in
stamped envelope ready to be lie
osited on the ensuing morning in The
Hollisville postofiice:
Til" undersigned having seen Miss CLARA
B.s advertisement, haarrns to- rc-rpra.
His mod"-ty f"rhii- him to think for an in
stHnt that his personal attractions corim
even III Il minor degree. "u;ial those Of he
lady ln question.
Nevertheless. his anxiety for Il further ae
uulintance is such that he il rfi,ol,lnnsd ID
undertake the r"nnin.. Of ilic~e unsatisfae.
tory lines. Capt. CutlI" for such j. tlt
name Of 'hi, humble r~YGnt!cnt-iS q
good height. and th" world say, good ns
urc. Moreover, his father is IA man 0
wealth The Indies accord to Capt tuttb
exceptional powers Of adaptahli,y. Sine
reading Miss Clara b announcement
Capt. tuttl" has been the most curious u
men, and the suaprn-" he will endure mt
personal communication is received frnr
the gracious latiy, b"longs mrrctuthe prov
inec of the Imagination than III" pen.
If Miss Clara Il. will grant Capt. Cutie e
in"stimahle favor of II reply 10y return maj
Ten days passed before Eddie pai
his customary visit TO his fathers subui
ban farm. Then was brought home th
accompanying epistle from the afore
named advertiser:
GAIT. CUTIE: How shall address til
amiah" gentleman who has e, hunorrd m
with reply To- my bold newspaper insnr
ton. Great indeed must br his trmcrit '
great indeed must be his confidence in VIII;
is ropularly termed the weaker sex. 4
my iilc-and Il woman of p years can n,
claim that her earthly existence has bee
altogether II brief "nc-haye ! admired tn
qualifications that Capt Cuttl" modest
claims to possess. Now to mcct--I shoul
NOR" accurately aver correspond with
gentleman Who is willing to placr these aI
vantaG"s in the balance with the CONNIE
Plar" attractions have TO offer j. a boo
alas not granted to many
1t hchoovcs me herewith to make know
the fact that my vocation is professions
one. Though fathcrlcss and motherless
hay" many friends. | do not wear falls
teeth neither do bang NV hair. Indec
Capt, Cutie. am Natures ownciiild rs vi
might reasonably suppose to be the cas
with one who would publicly make know
their matrimonial prori>itcs.
With your permission. ] sign myself yo,
humble admiror. CLARA H.
"Whew! vocation professional one
calculated Eddie, after Sophie and hin
self had huugrily devoured tho.
unique contents. Just Us likely picl
pocket or a circus rider, they all clai
to be professional you know"
"Fatherless and motherless," chime
Sophie; founding, dare say. If 81
has so many friends it's pity she car
get husband from 'mongst them 'stes
Of paying the printer.
"She must have fine teeth and I'll
hair or she would not have particuls
lied that portion of her makeup" il
patiently interrupted Eddie. You be