St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-11-01
BIGEL0W'S BUREAU.

gone round a few times, finding man
on the outside yearhing for food.
That man. invariably, was Mr.. Big
Glow. -
Its this dod-ratted system OF
pulls, he murmured to himself one
dusky evening in the cleaning. "A
system lately introduced into American
society, political and otherwise. don't
seem to have no satisfactory pulp with
the people, and just when | lean on 'em
the hardest, they slump from under.
and when Pm down, rise up again and
walk all over me. AT critical moments
like this am liable to collapse like the
political boom of ProhibitiOnist.'
But one day Mr.. Bigelow, with evi-s
dences of ill-concealed -eXcitement
breaking out all over hun, stepped
hastily into a Chicago law Office, and
demanded to be Immediately presented
to one of the members of the firm.
I Shown into private room, with olive
tinted walls and terra-cotta dado, Bige-
low cOnfided his trouble to the senior
member of the law partnership, and
asked, huSkily, what he had better do
about it.
''You say you have been threatened
with legal proceedings by ii lady?" i'll
quiIed the attorney.
No; not by 10 means"
"Oh; perhaps did not catch you"
''Bnt he did"
s1Who?"
'The plaintiff"
"See here, my friend, couldn't get
| you to say over again your tale of woe,
and say it SlOwer?"
Its this way. My names Eczema
Bigelow, late of Tacoma. HOW of Chi
cIgO, and / don't mind telling you, il
you won't let it go any further. that I'd
rather be lamp post in Chicago than a
| prominent citizen in Tacoma. But
| that's a side issue. You see, after
working for other folks off and OH all
through the first flush and fluff and
bloom and blush of youth, | concluded,
| in my old age. to go into business OH my
! own hook before was struck with par
| alySis and hove down in the sick bay.
| Well, l went in. Went i'll deep. l or
| gained bureau"
Something i'll the line Of patent
! dressing caSeS?'
II should say not. 1t wasn't chest
| of drawers with a cheval glass hung oil
| pivots to flatter the plump and annoy
| the skinny. | might have organized a
| bureau of claims and claimed every
thing in sight, including widows pen
siOnS, damages for Indian depredatiOns
and alimony for divorced squaws.
might have organized bureau of press
clippings, and sent editorial comments,
| derogatory and flattering, on noted men,
| all over the country for SO much per
comment. But l didn't. | started a
| plain bureau of information, intending
to keep it on tap, but mighty soon dis
covered that | was the one who really
! needed information. And | got il. One
| afternoon a tall, angular woman. who
| might be anywhere from sixty 10 two
hundred and fifty years old, came in and
said:
"'Be you the proprietOr%
"tHead of the concern | said"
"'YOu advertise to sell information
at bedrock prices uponlive topics and
answer questions
Madam, Pm an animated encyclo-
pedia, repository of facts. historical
and scientific, and well-Spring of uni
versal knowledge
And your terms
They vary. They depend on the
value of the information desired. Now,
a sample question might suggest the
honorium.'
If hen and half lay an egg and
half in day and half
"'EXcuSe me. madam, but let us no
trifle with the business we have on
hand. Now, you look like one pinins
for stray bit of valuable information
that might, possibly, change the whole
current of your young, budding life
Am | right?'
Partially she replied, partially
| am cropping for knowledge. / would
fain pry into the future and wrest tn
dark secrets of life and immortaIitI
from even the depths of the grave, iron
/ beyond the distant horizon of the swee
by and by
"'But l am not. an astrologist. Do
look like trance medium or femal
Seeress?'
"'Not particularly; but. to com
down to straight business, what woul
you do with a Jersey calf that wa
weaned when the sign wasn't right"
:''Turn it loose into the cold world {
shift for itself. When it arrives at a
adult age it can point proudly tn it
record as a self-made calf. Next
"'What would you do with DO
| after the barber had cut his hair to
shOrt?'
"'Send him right back and have
cut over again. Next
|, Thanks. L think | must 60 nov
and come in again tomorrow. Yo
wouldn't mind. would you? There's S
! much Pve got 20 find out in the cOurs
! of the next month or so that my patron
age alone ought to give your bureau
good lift
''She smiled and canary Dir
T dropped dead in his cage. Then sll
paid the information toll and wer
e away. Well, this woman continued |
come regularly three times a week an
bought Information in job lots. A
though every time she smiled plaste
ing fell from the ceiling. | worrie
along and attended strictly to business
l., Il H., A .
show up at the bureau, but a man VIII
softly, took his hat off, wiped his for,
head. aud said / had alienated his wife
affections. and he guessed he woul
have to sue me tor $4,000. Now. whs
would you do in case like that?''
, but you are proof against IudI
r ment,'" suggested the attorney, exhibI
n ing strong symptoms of that tired fee
: ing.
5 Certainly, but that isn't the pOin
You see l was that harassed and angI
at such presumption that | took off N
S four-button cutaway and busted off ii
whole bureau of information with tl
gentleman. 1t appears he had wi
ness at the window. and it's this la
case, assault and battery. he threaten
to push if don't come down with
couple of hundred dollars"
And you want an OpiniOn?"
"Ye-e-s, if not toO-too-"
'In addition to my retainer of S25,
will crafty you at the rate of 500 NOR
paid in lump sum"
But L can go to Tacoma cheap
than"
Then hencel Get the to Tacom
and hencefOrth shnn earning yo
bread by the sweat OF other people
eredulity.'
"Then you think it is case of Tao
ma or ninety days?7
Just about"
"Thankss Here goes to discharge n
typewriter and begin a new life und
an assumed name where the sun sets.
FOSCo.
HILL GAVE HIM A PASS.
IA - -