Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-05-24
Mrs. B. NYE,
Chimney Sweep.
Some Pertinent Inquiries.

s'You cannot blame me for thinking at
once of my native land and our own Bill
Nye. Is this merely a coincidence, or are
you really English? Why is Mrs. B. Nye
not allowed to print Chimney Sweep to
Her Majesty?" Is it possible that the
Queen sweeps her own chimneys, or may it
be that the effete monarchy is Jealous of the
American, and hence will not patronize
Mrs. B. Nye? Can it be that Mrs B. Nye
is too high priced for the Queen? But re-
frain. You can see to what the subject
leads, and in your own good time will re-
ieve my mind of the clouds of mental SCOT
growing out of the above momentous sub
ject. Very truly,
"J. d. BowERSoCK.
"P. S.-Have you been masquerading as
Yankee all these years when, as a matter
of fact, you belonged to the bloated aris-
tocracy?"
Yes; we are of English descent, although
it is quite right smart of a while since.
We were influential with the Government
there. With the advent of the Guelph out
fit the Nyes took long farewell pull at the
public teat, and, with a tremendous sigh,
wiped off their chins and began course of
persistent industry at 81 per day in the
New World in order to reduce their weight.
My ancestors on the left-hand side COM
ing down the family tree were also purvey-
ors to the royal household, and one of the
earlier kings used to buy whole Goldfish at
time at our place. Much of the early
English humor which broke out at that time
is now attributed to the free use of the
buckwheat -four sold to His Royal Whiskers
by our folks, who had a place on the road
near the royal ranch.
The journal of Royal Embalmer.
Our people were given, of course, to trade
at that time, and one Of them was embalmer
to the King, doing all of his embalming,
undertaking and autopsy work, which in
those days amounted to good deal have
the journal kept by this member of the
family for two of his busiest years, and 1
judge that times were good with him.
1t is painful now, of course, Mr.. Bower
sock, to recur to those happy times when we
practically did stiff business for the king
and charged our own prices. According to
the journal, 1 find such charges as these,
which show that the undertaking business
for many centuries has been, to all lntents
and purposes, what Aristotle characterizes
as dead cinch.
June II. His Majesty, DIR. E 8. d.
To one days time replacing vitals
of man who incurred the royal
displeasure by putting sugar
ana cream In his consomme at
To autopsy certifying that de-
ceased came to his death by nat
ural causes 10
To one gallon embaiming fluid for
same.
To hearse and carriages so
To axle grease for same. e.......... D
To six extra whip crackers de-
stroyed in trying to get home
ahead OF rival funeral. ............
1oIhl -@AOA y o
You can readily see that times have mate
rally changed, when about the only one Of
our family now in England is chimney
sweep, and with no draught on the royal
fues at that We feel it keenly, Mr.. Bow
ersock, and you cannot wonder that we are,
as family, little soured, especially re-
garding royalty Times, of course, may
change, and with his democratic freedom
and practical notions the Prince OF Wales,
upon acceding to the throne, might give our
family access at the same time to the chim-
neys of the royal house, thus making the
Nyes once more identified with His Majes-
tvs SCOT, but we are not depending on 1t.
We are not selling out at sacrifice IN order to
be on hand when the administration changes.
A Request for Foyer Nuggets.
The editor of the South Hutchinson Chief
tain asks: "Could you write me column
or SO of stage gossip or foyer nuggets for
publication in my paper exclusively?
will see that you are properly remunerated
for same, if not would be glad to have you
come to my house while at South Hutchin-
son. A good room is always at your dis
posal here at any time when my wlfe,s sis
ter goes away, which she sometimes does. )"
Yes, of course, 1 will be glad to write
you some items which may be OF interest
regarding stage doings, but If they should