davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Consistent in All Things-SOmethin
Turned Up-A Smart Young Man
ItDepends-The Winter Girl, Etc.,
Etc.
CONSISTENT IN ALL THINGS.

The Rev. Mr.. Blank (at the rehearsal
OF the wedding ceremony, TO the groom
And now, Mr.. Canvas, have you the
ring?
Mr.. Canvas-Yes, sir; three of 'em.
"Why, you don't need three ringsm
81 know it; but you see I'm in the
circus biz, an 1 Thought t would be u
purity good ad for my show to have three
rings used in the ceremony. See?"-
Medina Gist.
SOMETHING TURNED UP.
Kind Lady-Why do you stand here
30 long, my poor man?
turn up.
Kind Lady-Td like to help you, but
can't. Here's five cents, all the change
have.
Tramp-Thankee, mum.
Kind Lady-Do you think anything
will turn up?
Tramp-1es, indeed, num- Follow
me around the corner, mum, an you II see
a beer-glass turn up Good News.
A SMART YOUNG MAN.
Applicant wish TO get place for a
smart young man.
Employer-A friend of yours, sup
pose?
Applicant t-Yes, sir; very good
friend.
Employer-You can vouch for his
ability, l presume.
Applicant ability is Al.
Employer-TelI him to come to work
in the morning.
Applicant--All right, sir; I'll be on
hand ready to work in the morning. Good
day, sir Yankee Blade.
1T DEPENDS.
Willie-Papa, how much does rod
measure?
MIR. Billus (retrospectively and some
what bitterly)-lf you sign the contract
without looking at it closely, my son, it
measures when you come to pay for it
about 500 feet, and as protection
against lightning it isn't worth at isn't
worth-run out now and play, my son.
Chicago Tribune.
THE WINTER GIRL.
Now the dainty winter girl
Sets my brain once more u whirl;
Smiling from her mass of fur
What has earth to equal her?
ONE KIND OF MAN.
He cringes and bends to the men who
employ him,
And meekly takes insults and Sights,
And never finds fault with the things
that annoy him,
Or stands like man for his rights
But he can be arrogant, too, when he
chooses
To people life's chances have placed
In his power, and his meek little wife he
abuses
When the cooking is not to his taste.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
THE SONG OF THE AYE.

Hark to the a1el see the trees fall
The axe. as it swing, has song for all
1t sings yeo no for the bounding ship,
As it hews her stout planks down,
1t sings of the vain on the harvest plain,
And the coach for my lord in town;
The festive board with its light and song,
And hey! for the dancing floor,
Where the lovers vow, as they float along,
To love for eyermore.
Hark to the axe! see the trees fall
The are, as it swings. has a song for all!
But tender tone the axe must keep,
As it shapeth the red of rest,
Where the maiden sleeps her last long sleep
With rose upon her breast.
1t seems to speak of the long goodbye,
And the ship that came in vain,
And then love that VIII not die
However the years may wane.
bark 10 the axe see the trees fall!
The axe, as it swings, has a song for alll
So the axe tolls on, by sun and star,
Under the woodman's hand,
Plank and rafter and mast and spar
Come forth at his command.
And the world wags on in peace and strife,
With laughter and tears for all,
And the song of the axe is the song OF Life,
And we-are the trees that fall.
Hark to the axe see how they fall
The axe, as itswings, has a song for all !
IF. E. Weatherly.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
A Tame Humming Bird.

John Bruso, druggist on Leicester
street, Worcester, Mass, has in his store
the most diminutive pet on record. 1t is
humming bird. and is so tame that it
feeds readily from Mr.. Brusos hand, al
ways posing in the air and never showing
disposition to alight while partaking of
food Although very fond of sweets it
will not touch honey, but eagerly sips
quantities of rock syrup from quill that
is kept "loaded' for that purpose. 1t is
also fond of flies and spiders, and Mr..
Bruso has so far been unable to deter
mine whether it takes rock syrup for its
principal diet and flies by the way of
walnuts or vice versa. The merry little
hummer has the freedom of the store, but
his favorite perch is on the branch of the
gas pipe over the soda fountain, from
which vantage point it not infrequently
surprises customer by darting forth
and dipping, its slender beak into the glass
from which'he is drinking. The bird has
been in Bruso's possession more than
three weeks and is of u social nature,
showing in many ways its fondness for
company. Particularly is this feature
manifested when the store is first entered
in the morning st. Louis Star-Say-
ings.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
The Crazy Ball.

Street pedlers have new catchpenny
device on their trucks that is quite an
amusing thing for old as well as young
folks. They call it the "crazy ball."
and it is well named For ten cents you
can buy one of these things and see the
laws of gravity defied. 1t looks like an
ordinary wooden ball, about the size of
tennis ball, but you can't roll it in II
straight line to save you. Of course the
secret of the things queer actions lie in
the fact that it is loaded ON one side.
This makes every movement of the ball
eccentric. 1t will roll up hill of its own
accord and it will refuse to roll down
hill. If you try to roll it from you it
will perhaps start out all right and then
turn around and roll back, or maybe it
will go off sidewise and describe u wobbly
circle around you. All its movements
are ierky and spasmodic Give it to u
kitten to play with and the chances are
that the kitten will go mad, while baby
will cry with vexation over its eccentrici-
ties. A grown person who is not up in
spherical geometry will assure you that
it is wonderful. 1t is not. 1t is only
some sharp fellows way of gathering in
the dimes. Nevertheless ere long the
city will be flooded with these "crazy
ls"-[ New York Herald.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
A Life of Magniiicence.

The foreigners in the far East live in
magni6cence hardly known to the
Western world. The dwellings, of the
members of the various silk and tea
firms are real palaces in themselves, and
as servant hire costs almost nothing the
retnue of attendants is so great that
many European Courts could not COM
pete with them. Upon inquiring of sew
eral of the owners of these establish
ments why they were conducted upon
such an elaborate scale, the writer was
informed that ''whon one comes East and
hurries himself for purposes of gain in
this country, he gives up all civilized
pleasures, attachments to which one is
bred, and unless he lives in this style,
there is really nothing to live for. >
New York Times.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
The Hennepin Canal.

1t is reported that active steps are
taking to push the condemnation suits
begun to acquire for the Government tt
tie to the land necessary for the building
of the Hennepin Canal, which is pro-
jected to connect the Illinois River at
Peoria with the Mississippi at the mouth
of Rock River. The route of the canal
is ninety miles long, and the Government
has already secured possession of con-
siderable portion of the right of way.
There is $500, 900 now available for the
work of building the canal, and it will
begin as soon as the right of way is Sc
cure. The canal is to be eighty feet
wide and thirteen feet deep, and will ad-
NIT the largest river steamboats, to Peo-
ria.-[ Picayune.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
Woods of Great Value.

The inexhaustible forests of Brazil
abound in woods of great value. Some
of the most beautiful and precious of
them are entirely unknown in this coun-
try and in Europe. a catalogue has been
compiled of 22000 species of woods
found in the valley of the Amazon alone.
The best known of these are rosewood,
satin wood and shell wood, from which
exquisite shell-like articles are made.
But these afford merely suggestion of
the riches stored in the trees of Brazil
Among the medicinal plants of the
Amazon valley may be mentioned ipe-
cacuanha, polycarp, cubeb, nux vomica
and the ''woorari, from which the ma
tives extract poison for their arrows.
On the Atlantic coast grow angelica and
acapu trees, which resist the efforts of
that enemy of naval construction, the
tcredo. The forests abound in plants
producing textile fbers. Brazil wood"
which gave its name to the country, was
once largely exported for the dyeing es-
tablishments of Europe, but the dis
covery of cheaper aniline dyes has de-
prived it of its importance in commerce.
The lovely vinhatico, so much employed
in the country described for furniture
and cabinet work, is destined to become
widely known and generally utilized. Its
shaded yellow coloring makes it remark
able among woods. Guttapercha, which
of late has gone up so much in price, is
obtained in Brazil from two species of
trees Washington Star.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
rode an, but found the agent not yet in

l. J
his office.
The man who served as ianitor, MOTTO
ing the little girls look of disappoint-
ment. and guessing that her business was
very important, kindly offered to take
her to the hotel where the agent
boarded.
The agent had just finished his break
fast when they reached the hotel. Es-
corting Callie to the parlor, he listened
with sympathy to her simple story.
Papa said l couldn't get the con-
tract, she said, finishing her story; "but
| thought maybe you'd take this money
and hold the contract for us-for Papa,
! mean. DO please keep our claim foe
us, and don't let those bad men get it.
Both times Papa was coming to see you
about the claim he was taken down sick
with chills and fever. He will have more
money to pay you in few weeks. He
sold lot of cattle back in Iowa, before
we moved to Kansas"
Taking her back to his Office the agent
wrote out a receipt for the $3.50, saying:
Here, you keep this receipt, and takei it
to your papa, and as soon as he is able
tell him to come to town to see me. Do
not worry. Your brave ride has secured
the claim to your father"
Calie had just taken the receipt from
the agents hand, when Bill Simmons and
his ally, with flushed faces and polluted
breath, rushed into the Office As they
stalked toward the agents desk, neither
of them noticed the little girl who shrank
away with fear and loathing.
The agent, with queer smile on his
face, made pretense of respectful at
tention as Simmons stated his business
"There, said Simmons, laying a roll
of bills on the desk, "'is the spondulix
topay for the contract. Fix it up as
soon as you can, for there's mean Teller
from Ioway, who's tryin' to git the
claim away from me an my pardner
here"
''1ou state there are no improvements
on the claim, remarked the agent.
"There's no Improvements, ceptin' a
little dugout where me an Jim here lives"
returned Simmons.
81 have been informed differently, re-
piled the agent.
whoever has told you different from
my account, lies, that's all!' Simmons
cried, hotly.
hn Fa., r
human nature and | wovld ha IL ~
we're if necessary 70 staLo tha ;s' an.;sso
state Of Kansas On tho trnthf ,Inonsns ons
NV infarra"mt" 'No ''"'''A "'''ess VI
"Well now who ;nformoa vor9n do
monded the halt. f.;ntoxicotod S,nmoos
"Sber, md tbo aaont no;ntad 4a TsiI;o
who stood in the fHytbest corner " of tho
office, almost fearing to stir Hav;nS
outwitted her fathers enemios hos
str,nptb seemed to boye suddanI,, GO.
saxon bor
"The dickensn cried tho sunr;sod Gin.
mons. "It's ole Norris,s a,I. y amd ho 10.
fail n borrid oath e"'' anu '0 io'
eyes, =" returned tbe oeent bis ouoor
smile broodeninr. nuo', @ 4lS tn 4Ioei
This little GIRL to1d ma ber stnrv @ az. ".o; ans
has secnred tbe controot Gov ~ ra' aiai,' "i;u
ouestion Yon are omtwittod. ond o"Inl raal, -
as we'll assure Won risbt boro M 4bat "y hoy
county il not in noed e vo,r ai.;nnnsk;
| wish Won good-morninS santIemani"p
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10

Alice-Do you believe man sprung
from the ape?
Jumbo-No; but l believe woman
sprung from mouse; in fact, Eve seen
her do it,
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10

GIVING HER LESSON.
Cora-John, can't you take me to the
theatre tonight?
John (crabbedly)-No, l can't, and
wont; don't ask me.
Cora (astonished) What do you mean,
sir. speaking TO me that way?
John-1ou said you'd be sister to
me, and I'm treating you as if you were.
New York Herald
woMAN's ANCESTOR.
Alice-Do you believe man sprung
from the ape?
Jumbo-No; but l believe woman
sprung from mouse; in fact, Eve seen
her do it.
HELD THE LIGHT.
'Mr. Lightemup, you said you once
otficiated in pulpit. Do you mean by
that that you preached?"
"No, your Honor; held the light for
the man what did"
"Ah! The Court understood you diff
ferentiy- 1t supposed that the discourse
came from YOU"
"No, sir; only throwd little light
on it. me York Press.
DouBLY DEFINED.
Tommy-What is "running ac-
count!' Pa says it's an account mer
chants have to keep of their customers
that are in the habit of running away
from paying their bills.
Uncle-Thats one definition of it.
Tommy-Is there another?
Uncle-Yes. A running account is,
i'll some instances, an account that gets
tired out running after while, and then
it becomes standing obligation Bos-
ton Courier.
CLOVIS that black and tan dog of
yours?"
"Dead.'
"Dead?"
"Yes. Swallowed bunch of watch
keys and they wound him up" - Brook
lyn Life.
ONLY HER BROTHER.
He--I think have right to an ex-
PLANTATION. You permitted a young man
to kiss you at the party last evening.
She-It was only my brother.
He-Your brother?
She-Yes; young Smith. He pro-
posed to me once, and promised to be a
sister to him. New York Press.
A LITTLE DRAWBACK.
"Dick Skinner says marriage is fail
ure."
"a failure? | thought he married a
fortune?"
"Yes-but the girl that went with it
has suspended payment.
LEAVING WELL ENOUGH ALONE.
"You admire Miss Sweete very much,
| hear"
81 do"
81 suppose you will try to get to be
better acquainted with her now?"
"No. probably shouldn't admire her
if were better acquainted with her."
REVERSING 1T.
Mrs. Bloombumper-There is an Amer
lean in England who claims to be able to
make gold.
Bloombumper-lhat odd. General
ly Englishmen come to this country to
do that.
THE TELL TALE EVIDENCE.
Mother-I think our John is courting
some girl.
Father-IIey? Is he beginning to
have vaselne on his hair?
Mother-No; he is beginning to have
it on his shirt bosom. New York Press.
BELIEVED HIM.
Cora-Didn't you think he was trying
to Aatter you when he said you were beau
tiful as an angel!
Dora-No.
"Why?'
because | thought so myself"
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10

Cora-John, can't you take me to the
theatre tonight?
John (crabbedly)-No, l can't, and
wont; don't ask me.
Cora (astonished)-W do you mean,
sir. speaking to me that way?
John-You said you'd be sister to
me, and I'm treating you as if you were.
II New York Herald
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10

The garden gate has ceased of late
A load of love to bear,
But double weight is now the fate
+ many parlor chair.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-12-10
AS THEY MEET on THE STREET.

LANSh L VI n icbss
AS THEY MEET on THE STREET.
Augustus-Ah, Cholly, what an old
pirrte Carlotta' S father is
Cholly (still suffering)-Yes-a regu-
lar freebooter.-L'The Ledger.
GOOD AS A SELF wINpER.
Stranger you any self-winding
watches?
Jeweler-Self-wind
Eyes, something that will wind itself,
you know. My wife has been pestering
me for new watch, but | know she'll
never remember to wind it after the first
night, and it will rust out, just like the
old one."
81 have nothing of that kind; but !
have patent photographic watch which
shouts Wind me, at the proper time
every night"
That won't do. My wife'll just say
In minute, and then forget all about
it. I'll tell you what we want You fix
it so that when it needs winding it will
start up and whistle Comrades until she
attends to it. - New York Weekly.
TiEY WERE INTELLIGENT.
"Well, how do you like our village?"
asked native of rural hamlet ad-
dressing n gentleman who had recently
taken up his residence in the community.
81 haven't had much time to form an
opinion yet" was the rather evasive
reply.
''Do you find our people Intelligent
quick of perceptions"
"Intelligent-quick of perception
should say they are. They already know
more about my affairs than do myself. :"
Il New York Press.
HE PLAYED HIS PART.
Front Rank had to laugh at Quick
step in the sham battle.
Rightwheel-Why?
Front Rank-When he was killed he
said, 90, death, where is thy sting?"
ONE on HICKS.
at isn't square," said Mawson, pet
ulantly.
"What isn't?" queried Hicks.
"a circle" replied Mawson, his pet
ulance disappearing.
NAMING A FAST HORSE.
"A fast horse, is he?"
"Trot's like streak of creased light
ming"
well, that's fast enough. What do
you call him?'
"What Ma Says"
"What Ma Says! That's strange
name. Why do you call him that?"
Because what ma says goes"
scuooL-BooK PROGRESS.
School-book ublsher-Hooray!
have found it, Send printer here!
Start the presses! Wen get out a new
and revised set of school-books! Hoop
la
Superintendent What have you
found, sir?
Publisher-A new way to pronounce
an old word. Streets Good News.
NO ATTRACTION FOR THE POLICEMAN.
First Burglar think we might give
old Bullion, the bankers place, a trsal
tonight. He has discharged his female
cook and hired man in her place. His
house should be safe one to crack now.
Second Burglar-Why is it safer nof
than when he had female cook?
First Burglar-Because there amt
likely to be any policeman hanging
around the house now New York
Press,
| TRANSFERRED.
The garden gate has ceased of late
A load of love to bear,
But double weight is now the fate
many parlor chair.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1891-12-09
DIVIDING THE RACES.

The Lower House at Columbia Passes
a Bill Demanding Separate Coaches.
COLUMBIA, s. c., Dec. S.-The House of
Representatives. at midnight tonight virtu-
ally passed a bill to require railroad compa-
MES operating in this state to furnish sepa-
rate and equal accommodations for white
and colored passengers. The vote was IS to
50. This is looked upon as another potent
factor that will operate against the TilIman
administration in the next campaign. Rep
resentptive Wigg, the colored member from
Beaufort, in his speech against the bill,
said that politically the negro had yielded
to the logic of the situation. pass this
bill and he will hesitate no longer.
He believes that in this country
there is no middle ground
between free man and slave. The colored
people desire peace with their white neigh
bors; but they can accept none but an
honorable peace. l warn the gentlemen who
are forcing the measure to beware. know
of no way to judge the future except by the
past. Let them remember that Caesar had
his Brutus; Charles l. his Cromwell, and the
reform party should profit by their exam.
ule.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1891-12-09
MILLEDeEvILLEsLA LADY VISITORS.

Gov. Northen Calls a Meeting to be
Held in That City Dec. II.
ATLANTA, GA, Dec. s.-The governor TO-
day called a meeting of the recently ap-
pointed board OF visitors of The new Normal
and Industrial School to be held in Mil
iedgeville on Dec II. The members of the
board are: Mrs. w. W. Gordon. Savannah:
Mrs. A. w, Cosby Of Albany, Mrs. W. H.
FELTON, of Marshallville, Mrs. W. Y. Akin
son of Newman, Mrs. J. K Obi of Atlanta.
Mrs: James A. Phinizy Of High Falls, Mrs
s. II. Alexander of Rome, Mrs e. A. Gray
of Lexington, Mrs. A. j. Julian OF Wooley's
Ford, Miss Neppie Hunt Of Sparta, and Mrs
l.. J. Knight of Valdosta. Gov. Northen
will himself be present at the meeting and
hopes that all the ladies win be there.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1891-12-09
FLoRIDA's MErRoPoLIs
Senator Calls Friends Jubilant Over
his Success.

! DNNeN0%
Bis Success.
JACKSONVILLE, FLA, Dec s.-The news
that Senator Call had been seated was re-
ceived with expressions Of pleasure to-day
on the part Of his friends. Whistles were
blown and big flags foated from the court
house and Times linton building, which
latter place was the headquarters for those
OF the Call column. A great deal of money
which stockholders have been drawing in
terest on ever since the governor assumed
that there was no election has changed
hands on bets that he would not take his
seat Other bets are still held. All over
the city tonight there are quiet little cele-
brations IN the way Of wine suppers which
opponents Of Senator Call are paying for.
A LAWYER CALLED DOWN.
In the circuit court room to-day an in
terest1ng scene took place. P. Q. Robbins,
in defending prisoner, made remark in
sinuating that the prisoner was as good as
convicted any way. Judge Young de-
manded an apology. The attorney COM
Piled, but IL was unsatisfactory. When the
Judge threatened to send the gentleman TO
jail for thirty days satisfactory apology
was forthcoming.
Adolph Hutchinson and James Morantz
(negroes), charged with the murder of
'Frenchy," or Carl Morantz, formerly OF
Savannah, a few weeks ago at
suburban store, were arraigned in the cir
cult court to-day. and in the afternoon
jury was secured. 1t will be remembered
that the details OF the crime were particu-
larly startling. Martin Often and his clerk,
MorantZ, were attacked by masked negroes
and both shot, Morantz being killed. A
chain OF circumstantial evidence has, 1t is
said, been woven around the defendants so
closely that escape from hemp is said to be
improbable
JACKSONVILLE ELKS.
The Jacksonville Elks have leased two
stories Of the elegant Mohawk block, on
which they will spend s., 500 In furnishing
The Savannah Elks, who are to install the
Jacksonville lodge next Saturday night,
will be rendered a reception and banquet,
which 1t is proposed to make a splendid
affair."
Before the United States court to-day a
petition for a final decree to sell the Florida
Southern railway in the case of the New
England Loan and Trust Company, and
American Loan and Trust Company, was
argued and taken under advisement BY
Judge Swayue
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1891-12-09
GRAND JURORS In JAIL.
A TAxAs JUDGE CHARGES THEM
WITH CONTEMPT.

They Served en- Attachments on Him
While He Was on the Bench-A Fine
of $50 Hanging over Each Juryman
The People Greatly Excited and
Threats of Tearing Down the Jei
Heard.
SAN ANTONIO, TEX, Dec. S.-There was
considerable excitement to-day over the ar
rest of the grand jury. The capias was
sworn out yesterday and in response TO no.
tees sent them by the sheriff the members
of the investigating body went to the court
house at 9 o'clock this morning aad
gave themselves up. They were
taken 10 the county jail anu
placed In confinement. There is a hne Oh
$50 hanging over each member, "hioh was
imposed by Judge King Of the Forty-nftn
district court, who held that they were IN
contempt in serving an attachment on n'lh
while be was on the bench
WORKING FOR THEIR RELEASE
The jurors bore their arrest good-nat-
uredly, but at once proceeded TO TAKE steps
looking to their release. Attorney Franklin,
acting in their behalf. left here tonight for
TYLER with a petition TO the supreme
court. now in session there, for a
writ of habeas corpus. IL the
nertiou is granted IL will
Be at least two days before the proceedings
can be finished, and during that time the
grand jury must remain in jail There was
an indignation meeting held by those in
sympathy with the grand jury tonight and
speeches were made indorsing the course
they had taken.
OPINIONS OF LAWYERS.
The best informed lawyers of this section
say the action of Judge King Is Endorsed.
They say the grand jury had no right to
summon the Judge on the bench to appear
as q malefactor and that the jurymen should
lie In Jail until they rot or pay their fines.
The town Is on fire tonight and there has
been much talk by friends Of the grand
turymen who say they shall be released if
the county prison is torn down brick by
hriok