davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Bank Cars.

New Zealand has set an example
which might adv%antageously be follow
ed in certain parts of this country. In
the same way as we have Cathedral
cars" it has "traveling banks" A clerk
representing the bank travels up and
down a railway line for the transaction
of the ordinary business of the bank
with those who have not sufficient facil-
tiles for coming into the city. Laden
with a sachel containing his supply of
cash, and provided with a teller's usual
precautions against robbery, the clerk
makes the carriage his headquarters,
and there receives visits from customers
at the way stations, changing checks or
taking deposits as occasion may require.
This plan is said to prove profitable to
the bank and a great convenience to the
settlers, who are saved all the trouble of
journeying to town to relieve themselves
of surplus money Or to procure change.
It is not difficult, however, to see that
the New Zealanders are not properly ed
ucated in the matter of train robbery
New York Commercial Advertiser.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
WHY Not Try Cnamoisa

81 clean my eyeglasses these days
with q ten dollar note" said a well
known citizen the other day, with q
smile, as he began to rub his spectacles
with a bill. cit cleans the glass and
doesn't hurt tho money. A one dollar
bill would answer the purpose as well
as a note for a hundred, but in this case
I happened to have the ten and used it.
81 have been cleaning my glasses for
years with bank notes, and I have never
found anything that makes them as
clear. If you use q handkerchief it leaves
the lint behind, and ten to one the glass
is blurred. The money now all the
dirt and grease, and leaves no trace of
itself. Am afraid of contracting some
disease of the eyes? Well, 1 never
thought Of that, and I know that some
physicians claim that diseases are trans
mitted by money, sinceit passes through
SO many hands. No, I am not afraid;
and I will continue to use the bank
notes for this purpose. The texture is
soft, and it certainly remove dirt. In
deed, there is nothing like paper money
for polishing fine glassware Albany
E.y1roao
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
A Doomed Duet.

Singers who ssmurder'' music are usu-
ally considered more guilty than the
music is. The provoked Cincinnati
judge was not blaming the music, how
ever, when he turned the metaphor the
other way.
His daughter and a young gentleman
caller frequently indulge in tul,eful vocal
practice over tho piano, and when they
get together in the parlor the Judge gets
i'll as remote a part of the house as pos
sible in order to avoid what he terms the
uproar. One evening they had been
even more devoted than usual to their
music, and on the following morning the
judge inquired of his daughter:
"What on earth was all that racket
ye1 and your caller were making in the
parlor last EVENING"
"Why, papa, Sam and I were trying a
new duet"
"Trying a new duet, were you? Well,
from what I heard I should Judge that
you found it guilty and inflicted the
heaviest penalty on it."-New York
Times.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
The Man.

One of the most calling tyrannies of
modern life is that of the "average
man." Who eve saw the average man?
Is any one acquainted with any one who
ever did? Has any n any reason to be-
liewe that the average man ever existed?
The fact of the matter is that the aver
age man is q myth. He never did and
never will exist. He is a philosophical
abstraction, q stage property of the meta
physician, a straw man set up to be wor-
SHIPPED or reviled, as the case may be.
Yet people always bow down to him and
talk in whispers about his thoughts, his
moods, his needs and desires. They are
rejoiced when he is supposed to smile,
and are cast down when he frowns.
Statisticians burn the midnight oil in
order to edo sums" about him. States
men give up their lives to his service.
Political economists look solemn as they
take his measure. Physicians explain
how lie may keep well, and preachers adj
just the messageof the gospel to his COM
%prehension. Yet, of all the myriads of
men who have ever lived each one differs
more or less from the supposed average
man. Who will deliver the world from
the tyrannical rule of the average man?
Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Mr.. ,Eradlaugll's windfall.

An interesting incident in the life of
the late Mr. Bradlaugh, M. P, has es-
capped notice in the many biographical
sketches. AT a time when Mr.. Brad
laugh was most in need of money he
narrowly escaped coming in for a wind
fall of over eco, 900. ABarnstaple gentle
nan named Tuberville-a brother of
Mr.. r. d. Blackmore, the famous author
of "Lorna Doone"-had such an admira-
ton for tho junior member for North
ampton that, after a very short acquaint-
ance, he executed a will in his favor.
Mr.. Tuberville died shortly afterward
at Yeovil under circumstances which
necessitated an inquest, and it then
t%ranspired that another will in favor of
a young lady had been made. The latter
will was disputed, and, eventually, as
the result of a compromise, Mr.. Brad
laugh obtained G2, 00O.-London Tit-Bits.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Married Lovers.

The afectionate man, who sits with
his arm On the back of the seat when he
rides in the cars with his wife, is always
open to the suspicion that somewhere in
the recesses of his self esteem he consid-
ers himself a sadly henpecked individual,
and is excessively attentive to his better
half in public places for the simple pur-
pose of side tracking any intilnation of
such a state of affairs that might be APP
parent if he didn't do his half of the
acting.
But the exquisite way a friend of mine
directed his pretty wife where to go the
other day as they parted at Il crowded
street corner contained no such intima-
ton, inasmuch as he put in the word
"dear' wherever he could catch his
breath, and concluded with, "Don't for
get, dear, to take q car at Park square,,
dear, and remember that the number is
three hundred, dear, and thirty-seven."
Boston Globe.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
A MocklNe BIRDS LESSON.

In Il Few Minute 1t Learned Some ~
Sounds HUT Forge. It's Clever So s.
"Thcre he goes agan!" gr1a1N Nh.
George Phalen, a wealthy Aesidcnt of
Highbridge. "Was ever man cursed
with such a bird?"
"Bird" exclaimed Mr.. Phalen's visitor
in establishment. why, you don't
mean to say you keep a bird with all
those cats in the housey' For the sudden
chorus of Kissing, splitting and mewing
that foated in from the real room seemed
to indicate that an animated feline argu-
ment was in progress there.
"Tlere is no cat under my roof" was
the reply. "All the noise you hear is
made by a single knocking bird. Just
step into the other room and look at him.
A more woebcgone creature you never
saw"
The bird, indeed, looked as though he
had seen hard and long service. He had
no vcstige of IL tail left, and one of his
eyes was gone. His few feathers were
rufilcd, and all his sleek and glorious
beauty had departed.
''Thrce yeats ago old Nick (that is his
name) was remarkably handsome bird"
said Mr.. Phalcn, land his numerous ac-
complishments made him IL great favor
lite and Very valuable. He could whistle
The Campbells Are Coming and a
dozen other airs with wonderful clear
ness and musical precision, and he was
in an hour. would not have sold him
then for $500.
"But one night everybody in the house
was awakened by an awful uproar i'll the
back parlor. The knocking bird was
shrieking, shouting and swearing like a
human being; a cat, that must have en-
tered by the cellar door. for we harborcd
none of his kind, was splitting and hiss
ing f%uriously, and the sound of some
heavy metallic object dashed frequently
and violently against the furniture was
distracting. went down stairs with Il
light, and l foundthat the cats paw was
tightly wedgcd between the wires of the
birds prison, and the terrified brute was
swinging the cage about the room, try
ing to release himself. Old Nick was
nearly dead and badly d%ilapidated, as
You see him now, before ! could olsen
tangle the cat from the wires and kick
him out into the darkness.
"The birds tail never grew again, nor
did his plumage regain its luster. He
was quite silent for u full week, and then
he suddenly made the air vocal with Il
horrible series of caterwarlings, and he
has kept them up almost without inter-
mission ever since. In the few dreadful
minutes that he passed face to face with
the cat he learned every information of
voice that his assailant could teach him,
and utterly forgot all the songs and
speeches with which years of careful
tuition had enriched his mind. A poor
exchange, it seems to me."-New York
Sun.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Sudden.

Presence of mind is not always mo-
nopolized by the brave and wise, nor isit
uniformly cultivated for great and good
purposes.
Several of the pupils III a certain
''backwoods"- district determined not to
study geography. The teacher believed
that they were old enough to begin the
subject, and accordingly called one of
the oldest boys to her desk and spoke to
him about the necessity of a knowledge
Of his own and other countries.
81 sha'n't study geography till I git
ready!' growled the youngster.
The teacher rose quickly and seized
him by the collar, intending to shake
him, when the young rascal hastily add.
ed, But 1 I'M ready now!"-Youth's
Companion.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
An Old New Orleans c,stou..

If you have plenty time to LOAF and OBJ
serve everything that passes before your
gaze you will notice on nearly everypost
in the French quarters there are little
hand bills tackled up and bearing the
heading "Decedc." Beneath this there
is additional printing, all, however, in
French. These are death notices, which
seemed to be used instead of the newspa-
pers to announce the invincihe hand.
They state the hour of the funeral, etc.,
and the name Of the deceased.
AS a general thing these notices are
tackled up all over the French section in
an hour after the person has died. mo
ticed several upon which the printers
ink had scarcely dried, and which an.
nounced the demise of some unfortunate
which had taken place only a few min.
utes before.-New Orleans Cor. Rich
mond Dispatch. z
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
PROTECT YOUR uEALTu

Cold and moisture combined have Il torporis-
ing effect upon the bodily organs, ard the digcs-
tardily performed in winter than in the fall.
The came is true, also, of the cxcrctory functions.
The bowels arc often sluggish. and the pores of
season. The system, therefore, requires opening
up a little, and also purifying and regulating,
and the sa:ent, snrest and most thorough tonic
ana Alternative chat car be used for these purposes
is Hostetter's Stomach Bl!tcrs. Persons who
wish TO escape the rheumatic twingcs, the dys-
peptic agopies. the painful disturbances of the
bowels, the bilious attacks, shc nervous vista
do well to reinforce theft systems with this re-
nIowned vegetable stonlachic and inyigorant. 1t
improves the appetite, strengthens the stomach,
cheers the spirits, and renovates the whole
physique.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
He Was Not to n,ame.

Ono day on a railroad car a lady al
lowed her little boy, who could barely
speak distinctly, to play about the car;
and bye and bye, to the horror Of all Of
us, she discovered him complacently
sitting outside on the steps. She brought
him in, and although the punishment
inflicted was mild his little heart seemed
to be completely broken. When, pres
entity, the train stopped at a station.
great choking sobs could be heard dis
tinctly all over the car, and suddenly
we were all convulsed by a grieving, re-
proachful and utterly desolate little
voice exclaiming, "Say, mamma, when
a-naughty old-trainman leaves--a
door wide open, how cana baby help
going out?'-West Shore.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Especial Charm of a ravorite Club.

The fact that we know each other very
well is the reason of the charm of a Ger.
tam american club. It gives an idea OF
this place to say that people find them:
selves neglecting their business in order
to get there in time for luncheon. 1t is
not that the company is so unusual.
There are, no doubt, attractive men, full
of interesting knowledge; there is plenty
Of good talk. But it is not enough that
the talk should be good; the men must
be seen and heard through an atmosphere
of friendship. Some of the incest men
choose to say very little; but these are
men in whom, in the IF daily &C.
q~uaiutance, you learn to die13 e,s4
charming qualities and friendlv a;e-aossii
'sYf66ssibly everybody is not charming.
Perhaps there is even a bore or two; but
bores are very human, and, to my think.
ing, rather coy. There is a gentleman
who tells over the same story, but nobody
minds it as muchas he wouldif he knew.
and he doesn't. Even the gentleman who
is always talking about his health per-
forms a benefcient Office; he insinuates
into the minds of his auditors an i'm.
pressiont life is valuable.-E. S. Nadal
in Scribner's.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
NrSHNGA4ht.

nna e.,,sns,u tpld.-~. suuge before
Inc Was being tried for steal
,Wnom Match from a woman as she
E1ngsa &seering a bus. The man declared
WxF@atch was his, and-the woman was
mistaken in identifyingit as hers. Sud
denly the judge asked:
"Where's the key?"
The prisoner fumbled in his pockets,
and said he must have left it at home.
The Judge asked him if he wound the
watch frequently with the key, and he
said eyes"
Then a key was procured, watch and
key were handed to the prisoner, and he
was told to wind the watch. He opened
the S but could not find any place to
use the key, because the watch was a
keyless one. The sentence was five
years.-London Tit-Biits.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Bargain Counter nepartee

An early morning customer in a big
retail dry goods shop is apt to hear some
quaint talk among the clerks, who amuse
themselves by chatting one another while
waiting for the active trade of the day
to begin. In an up town shop the other
morning a customer heard the follow
ing dialogue:
''fSay, fanny?w from the ribbon counter.
"N'Vhat is ii, libbons?" from the fan
counter.
"Why sit that you are so unpopular
with the LADIES'"
sGive it up"
Because in cold weather they don't
fan-see, your
Say, ribbons, why is your trade like
that of a granger
"Why is it,"
because so much of it is gros grain"
New York Times.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
AsToR HOUSE ExTRAVAeANcE.
The Little Old Lady Thought That T.
Many Candles Were Burning.

The Little Old Lady Thought That Too
Many Candles Were Burning.
A dear old lady from the country sat
with her son, also from the country, in
The big dining room of the Astor housed
few evenings ago. Men who have come
to New York from the country, if they
had seen her, would have been remind
ed of their grandmothers. Her face was
kindly, and there vas just a little color
in it. She wasn't very tall, and her fig
ure was comfortable. She wore a shawl.
Her bonnet was a little one, and in the
front of it was some white lace. Her
gown was of bombazine and of some
what ancient cut.
The big, brightly lighted room inter-
ested her. So did the people at the
tables. While the son was engaged in
the somewhat %perplezing task of select
ing the supper the old lady talked audi
bly, with the waiter. She told him that
she hoped Landlord Astor and Mis- Astor
were pretty we'll. The waiter explained
that Mr.. Allen was the landlord, whereat
the old lady expressed polite surprise.
When the waiter had gone with the or
der she devoted u few momentsto study
ing the chandeliers. They represent
candles.
81 wonder" she said, show under the
sun Mis- Allen yer gets up there to
snuff EN-"
tsSnnff WHAT" asked her son
"Why, them candles; they're so high
up"
The young man did not answer
The old lady again gazed at the chan
deliers refcctively. They amt no need
of all that light" she sid. mis- Allen
is a powerful wasteful woman"
Her son was apparently a man Of few
words. Her criticism was unnoticed.
Presently the waiter brought the bread
and the plates, and what the old lady
evidently thought was% supcrabundance
of knives and forks. She greeted him
pleasantly. "Back again, heyy' she said;
''you're pretty quick. But, Horace she
added to her son, "you ordered some
thin more than bread, didn't your
cit will be here shortly" put in the
waiter. with a polite bow. The old lady
gave him IL sweet smile. "Im pretty
hungry" she said.
Several of the diners had overheard
her observations. Some of them were
hard faced business men. They didn't
laugh at her. They only regarded her
with lively interest. She smoothed out
the tablecloth carefully, and inspected
the silver, evidently with approval.
The waiter brought the meal and gave
theold a dycloscattention, whichpleased
her immensely. She smiled on him and
asked after the health of his family. AS
she rose from the table she said to him,
''Tell Mis- Allen Id like to have he1
recipy for that snow puddin', but I'm in
a hurry"
The waiter bowed and said gravely
that he would do SC. And us the old
lady passed out of the door one of the
diners raised Il glass and exclaimed, 1.-The
old lady-God bless her!'-New York
LETTER.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
BACK FROM TOWN..
Old friends allus is the best,

Old friends allus is the best,
Halest like and hcartiest;
Knowed US first, and don't allow
We're SO blame much better nowl
They was standin' at the bars
When We grabbed 1.-THE kivvercdkyars~
And lit out fer town, to mako
Money-and that old mistake!
We thought then tho world VIC went
Into beat 1.-The Settlement"
And the friends at we'd make there
Would beat any anywhere!
And they do-fcr that's there biz;
They beat all the friends they is
'Ccpt the raal old friends like YOU
AT staid home, like I'd ort toll
Wy, of all the good things yit
amt shct of, is to quit
Business, and git back to sheer
These old comforts waitin' hero
These old friends; and these old hands
AT n Teller understands;
These old winter nights, and old
Young folks chased in out the cold!
Sing lizard Times IL come ag'in
No Morc!" and ncighbors all jinc in!
Here's n Teller como from town
Wants that air old fiddle down
From tho chimblcy! Git the floor
Cleared fer one cowtillion more!-
It's poke the kitchen fire, says he,
And shake a friendly leg with me!
james Whitcomb Riley in Century.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Consumption Cured,

An old physician, retired from prac-
tlce, having had placed in his hands by
an East India missionary the formula Of
a simple vegetable remedy for the speedy
and permanent cure of CONSUMPTION,
Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma and ali
Throat and Lung Affections, also a posi-
1--WE and radical cure for Nervous De-
plilty all Nervous Complaints, after
having tested its wonderful curative
powers IN thousands of cases, has felt it
nus duty to make it known to his suffer-
ing fellows. Actuated by this motive
and q desire to relieve human suffering.
! Wln send free of charge, to all wiHo,
desire it, this recipe, in German, French
or English, with full directions for pre-
Parlng and using. Sent by mail by ad-
4resslng with stamp, naming this paper.
e w.t.. a: N3l overs Block, Roch-
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
GLOW could that bel"
He Takes the Cake for Economy,

There is a farmer in Wrightownto town.
ship who will perhaps in time get rich,
as he is economy and watchfulness per-
soniied. He engaged a girl to assist in
the house at stated wages per week.
When they agreed to settle. nearly a
year later, he had a bill against her of a
little more than So for loss Of timo for
gaping" at the cars as they went to and
fro. 1t seems that afterthe construction
train got to running she would go every
time it passed to the door, look at it,
throw up her hands andapron ~andlaugh,
so:pleased at the sight. This loss of time
was charged against her in their settle
ment. Long headed man, t~hat.-Doyles-
town Democrat.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
This Can BE Done ON Nearly Every Farm

This Can BE Done ON Nearly Every Farm
Given a flow of 100 gallons of watel
per minute and plenty of liver and scrap.
thrown in, and you can raise 900 pound.
of trout in a pond 10 feet deep, 10 feet
long and ten feet broad, replacing then
with small ones as rapidlysas they reast
! marketable size. It can be dd&2Ra Tor
alssoftably too. Thes11p Al AWAY. sehan
tfsSsrdto e, md ai,fi a MON an acre, Of
WaseR'as he does Yupon an acre Of land,
expecting SO mach yearly yield from it,
whether it is pond, lake, river or estuary,
Washington Star.
The Pulpit and the Stage.
Rev. F. M. Shrout, Pastor United
Brethren Church, Blue Mound, Kan.
says: 81 feel it my duty to tell what
wonders DR.. Kings New Discovery has
done for me. My Lungs were badly
diseased, and my parishioners thought I
could live only few weeks. I took five
bottles of DR.. Kings New Discoyerv
and am sound and well, gaining 26 lbs.
in weight.
Arthur Love, Manager Loves Funny
Folks Combination, writes: After a
thorough trial and convincing evidence
l am confident DR.. Kings New Discoy-
cry for Consumption, beats 'em all. and
cures when everything else fails. The
greatest kindness I can do nv many
thousand friends, is to urge them to try
IT." Free trial bottles at j. j, Free
mans Drug Store. Regular sizes soc.
and $1.00.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
A Sareastir .Lalu.

For downrightsazcasmasto the merits
Of ashorse, reconnaissance the. worthy
jelm who offered aSlittle advice to a
driver of pirate 'bus, one of whose
horses tumbled down therother day in
theiStrand.
The4hnrse, aftersstrenmwefmts,.h had
BEEN, got onitBf@ when.immediateay
Observation-Disclosures.
"Isay, old 'un;"- criedtheriyalduxer
you must ave got msoutsossbeftoo
eMy~thismomm. Rmp8zumd, to our
stable Observation-Disclosures :pitcmmk
to turn i'm over wi&sfLLondon Tit
Bits.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Electricity Catches Elephants.

A novel application of electricity has
recently been madcin elephant catching.
AT a recent capture of fortyof these ami
mails, when the last of their unwieldy
bodies had passed the entrance into the
Khedda, the signal for barring their exit
was given, instantaneously and without
a+word spoken, by means of an electric
wire. 1t is only a short time since petro-
leum superseded native vegetable oils
for lighting throughout the bazars and
villages of India. Electricity is now
taking the place both of petroleum or
coalgasin the great spinning factories,
forwhich it is peculiarly.suited in a hot
climate, owing to its. GOODNESS and alb
senceof NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Ledger.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Early ~IcchOuScs.

In America icehouses have been known
for at least 200 years. They were at
first very primitive affairs, being moth
ing more than deep cellars, the flooring
made of boards or stone, upon which
was placed a layer Of straw OF sawdust.
The sides were lined with boards set
about a foot from the wall, and this
space was filled i'll with sawdust, tanbark
or straw. A rough, thatched roof COM
pleted the structure, which was then
filled with ice. between the layers of
which tanbark or sawdust was strewed,
Detroit Free Press.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
Strange Wants.

They must have a strange herd of
sheep in New Zealand, where a settler
announced that he wanted can indus
Nitrous man to take charge of 5000 sheep
pho could talk Spanish" He must have
en- sma aedAs "tha to = ~ s6 sS115e DO ali kinds an -
ing and en5 broidery except muaik9
% aGtorn az reads:l .ewauted a15xl
d"o young maj for a retail HA9
Mt st doors, partly be4pkast
On"S Iykhen the door is shut.
sure4heIsesraaa.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
sitaing Bull's Prophe,,c .Dre.m.

One Bull, aneMew'of,sthed dead chief
taln,rrelated an int Observation-Disclosures
happened just the. day before Sitting
Bull was killed. He said Sitting Bull
that day climbed.tosthe.top of one otthe
highest neighbodmg buttes, where he
fell asleep, and dreamed, of the startling
tragedy that wouldhappen the next day.
Hecame.down and told his people that
than.great medicineman would be killed
onathe morrow. How true his words
Wegswas atteated. by !dexe1ppmeusithe
nMfmoFnine.-CorsEt- Paul Globe.
The Dickinson press., 1891-04-04
The Red Mans Disanpo,u,

The Red Man's Disappointment.
"Ugh" said, the Indian, in disgust.
"FWhat,s the matter, Swallowtaily,
asked-the agent.
big Injun chase white man four
mile. Want scalp. Catch white man.
Ugh! white man bald. Bazaar.