The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-04-30
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

| Householder - What is this item In
your bill called additional expenses"
for? Plumbcr-That is for my time
consumed in making out the bill.-Yan-
kee Blade.
A Necessary Qualification.
81 think | will become a professional
literary critic" Fangle-"You can't
You have not got the dyspepsia. -
Niagara Spray.
Have you a fire escape
In this hotel?" Boniface ~ I'VE have
ten of them" Drummer-'Thought so
The fire all escaped from my room last
night and almost froze." - jewelers.
Circular.
man over there How extraordinarily
slow he seems in all his movements"
mo wonder. That is Gambits. the cele-
brated chess player" - Chicago satur-
day Herald.
-Unintentional.- Il have just heard
that my family physician is dead. just
think! lie was scarcely thirty years
DID," "Then l must say that | don't
sec how you can have any confidence in
I q
gende Batter.
Under ''sketchy little thing" ex-
hibited by Jones. there hangs printed
card which bears the words: do not
touch with canes or umbrellas" An
unappreciative small boy added the fol-
lowing postscript: Take Az"
! do you know" said Miss Belle
u IL, = r
you would be an excellent subject for
poem?" ''What-aw-sug rested that
to you?" II was reading some of the
verses in the obituary column. Wash
ngton Post
A Sketch.-Wife (fretfullyl-"Som
thing is going to happen. dearest. Yes,
| yes, have presentiment. l feel sure
Of it." Husband thoroughly acquaint-
I'd with his spouse)-"No. think not.
The dressmaker and milliner called
while you were out and I-er-settled
The bills Wife trapturously)-"Dar-
ling !'-American Grocer.
-Fogg-"What things women are to
take fellow in earnest" Rrown-'.As
for instancco" Fogg-''When my wife
started for New York, said in a per-
functory way. 'By-by. my dear and
| from the bills that have been sent to
me suspect she's been doing but little
else since she went away. boston
| Transcript.
The Captain-'Col. Waxem will be
banqueted after his wedding tonight,
| and am to respond to the toast, None
but the brave deserve the fair What
| the deuce shall say?" The Major-''I
har .ly know how to advise you. After
you've seen the bride, you'll have to
turn your speech into an argument to
prove either that Waxem isn't brave or
that he isn't getting his deserts. Kate
Fields Washington.
Out of the Question.-Great Mer-
chant-''The business has increased so
in the past year, Mr. Penwiper, that
when you order the new account books
you had better get them twice the size
Of the old ones" Mr.. Penwiper-"Yes,
sir Don't you think, sir. in view of this
fact, that / might have an increase in
my salary?" Great Merchant-''What!
After such an expensive set of books. I
couldn't think of ii. "-Brooklyn Life.
He Was Mistakcn.-IIc-"I know,
Miss Kajones that it looks like great
presumption for me to speak of love to
you. have neither youth nor good
looks. / am poor. uneducated and have
no influential friends. l have nothing
that can attract the admiration of
young lady" She-''You are mistaken,
Mr.. Winchester. l admire your magnif-
cent nerve. Chicago Tribune.
Lecturer on Art-"Before sit down
shall be happy to answer any ques-
tons that any of You may wish to ask"
Gentleman in Audience-'I have en-
joyed the lecture much, sir and have
understood it all except IA few technical
terms. Will you please tell ME what
you mean by the words perspective
'fresco' and 'mickleanjelo?' Lecturer
sits down discouraged.-N. Y. Ledger.