The record-union., 1891-07-25
ON THE CARS.
Secretary Ed. Smiths Respect for the
FroIicsome Hopper.
A Wierd Experience on the Banks of
the American-A Gallant
Young Oarsman.

Secretary Ed Smith, of the State Agri-
cultural Society, was heavy loser
through the ravages of the grasshoppers.
Not leaf was left on his ranch.
Of course Ed is sad in consequence.
The other evening asympathetic friend,
,essayed to console the weeping Secretary.
t'But, say, Ed," said the friend, finally,
i'why didn't you turn the chickens loose
on 'em2''
"Chickensp
The look on Eds face was one Of SUI
preme disgust.
"Chickensl Why, you blank, blank
I idiot, three of those grasshoppers will
Just take hold of a chicken and sling him
over the fence if he gets fresh. Chickens,
indeedr
A gentleman from Maine was visiting
some relatives who live out near the
County Hospital His cousin, who has
farmed in this county for several decades,
met him at the depot and escorted him to
the electric cars. Leaving the cars at Oak
Park, they started for the ranch on foot.
They had not gone far, when suddenly
the visitor sung out, "Whewi Look at
the geeseW
''Oh, them's brants," laconically ex-
planned the Sacramento farmer.
They walked along some distance fur
ther when again the visitor yelled
E'Geesep
"Brants," reiterated the farmer.
Several more fiocks were passed, and
each time the mystified visitor was told
that they were brants Finally, when
they passed an unusually large flock, the
Maine man exploded.
''Say, this don't seem just right" he
said, "a newcomer wouldn't have any
show here at all. This fellow Brant must
own every dum-gasted goose in the
countryW
Here is a conundrum that was picked
up iii the Assembly Chamber after the
Fourth of July literary exercises. 1t was
probably lost by some one who intended
TO spring it on Orator Frank Coombs.
The owner can have it by calling at this
Office:
Did our sires at Valley Forge
Just for familiar josh,
AccoSt great Washington, as George"
Or, How're they comm 'Wash?"
In the course of ride out to Oak Park
on a broomstick car the other evening,
Miss Susie Emstreet was telling a party
of friends why it was that she had vowed
never TO go out boat-riding again with
Freddie Undine.
''Why, don't know what to make of
him." she said petulantly. He acts so
strangely at times and makes such wierd
remarks. Now, q few evenings ago l
consented to take row with him up the
river. Everything ran along pleasantly
for time. The weather was delightful.
We had gone up but mile or two when
I dropped my lace handkerchief over
board. ] called to him to stop, and told
him what had happened. And what do
l. IN ir,e pf
miserating me- or offering to dive in after
the handkerchief, he merely reached over
and made mark on the side of the boat
with lead pencil, saying that when we
came back that way we would know
where to look for it,"
The latest story comes from the river
from the American, near the bridge.
Two pretty young ladies, one a type
writer of pronounced blonde type,
wanted to swim. The blondes friend
does not live a thousand miles from the
bridge. and as the new baths were not
ready for usc-and the day was warm
they decided to HE themselves to the cool
and crystal waters of the river. Neither
had bathing suits-but, pshaw what was
The need of them2 They would find a
secluded spot, and there would be no one
around.
Well, they Were having a delightful
sand and splashing into the gurgling
water like frOlicsome sea nymphs. They
played tag, got Sun-burned, and were
trying to stand on ther heads, when sud-
denly
Oh, mammal oh, oh, oh!
Three horTid men, armed with shot
guns and game bags, were discovered
seated on a fence on the side of the hill
some distance away, enjoying the per-
formance.
They are tramps, guess" suggested
one Of the bold hunters.
There We're two loud splashes, and then
all that could be seen Of the mermaldS
were their horror-stricken countenances.
They are making faces at US. Let's
have have a shot at 'em.' One of the
hunters raised his fowling piece, and
was about TO pull the trigger, when two
unmistakable female screeches deferred
him.
''Oh, boys, they're girls. Wow, WOW
What fun! Well steal their clothes
hey"
Two more unearthly screeches.
IF you hoodlums don't GO away from
here and let our clothes alone it viii &c
hard with you"
They had been in the water now for
nearly half an hour, and this last defiant
remark was intermingled with loud
chattering Of teeth.
The intruders held a consultation.
We'll take their clothes, and then send
'em down a couple of barrels" was the
agreement.
The screeches that echoed up from the
placid waters this time were simply
heart-rending.
The men only laughed. "Well GO and
get the barrels first" they said, and of
they started.
But those girls were not the kind who
were going TO wait for tho arrival Of those
barrels. No sooner were their tormentors
out of sight than there was a grand
scramble. "Never mind the shoes, stock
1ngs and corsets, Minnie, just gimme my
Mother Hubbard" No lightning change
artist ever worked faster than they
Did the barrels arrive? WeIl, the re
porter happened TO spy one of his credit
ors and did not wait TO ascertain.