The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1891-05-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

defense" and the same amount for
prosecution. Puck.
There would lie fewer bank robber-
les il more safes were protected by the
old-fashioned flint locks.-Bufdto EE-
press.
IfDiogenes had lived to-day he would
have solved the honest-man problem
by buying u niirror.-Mfiscdukee Sen
tiael.
There is one very pleasant feature
about sleigh-ride on a cold night-aud
that is the arrival home. - Norrtstotct
Herald.
When the world Is not jeering at
large faults in small men 1t is scolding
at small faults in big men. Miisoaahee
Sentinel
If you do man n favor do not let
him know 1t. or the chances are he will
come back for another lift.-Mfiscdu-
ice Sentinel.
Cumso-sWhat is your idea of HellP"
Bumso-"A place where you can't get
drink. although you've got the price"
-Neto York Herald.
He-'.I feel completely prostrated.
l wish l were dead. She-"Well.
why don't you let me send for the doc
torP'-B Brooklyn Life.
A mule would rather hear himself
bray than to listen to nybody else's
music. A good many people are built
like him. Rams Horn.
What a recherche sort of aifiiction
you hnve,n said Goodword to the man
with the boil Such a swell gather
ingr'-Net0 FORK World.
Where does train of thought run
TOP" asked Bloobumper. quizzically.
ITO Boston, suppose replied Mrs.
Bloobumper.-Hdr Hdrper's Bazdr.
Between the practical joker and the
savage that skins his victim alive there
is only difference ofenvironment and
education. Indianapolis Journal.
How is it that you call the Hubers
cousinsP Are YOU relatedP' Only
in a way. Their favorite pug and ours
are full brothers. .''-Flsegepde Btatter.
1t is great fun teaching pretty girl
how to skate, and the more successful
the teacher Is the longer she Is in get
ting to be expert. SonierUiiie Journal.
A touch of Love makes the most
matter-of-fact man poet, or. what
amounts to the same thing. makes him
think he is Il poet. indianapolis Jour
mai.
1t is said that Chinaman never
goes crazy. There is no reason why
lie should. Millinery bills are unknown
in the Flowery gdom--Is Isrds Syt-
tsgs.
Sunday School Teacher-Now, little
bows, what do YOU know about Coli
athPn Freddy Fangle-..P Please, ma'am.
he waSwrocked to sleep. Boston Irdr-
eler.
Disappointment first comes iu life to
the baby who has horn given to him
for a present. and then iinds he hasn't
wind enough to blow it. -Sonercitie
journal.
Mrs. Dix-@Doesnst your husband
suffer terribly from dsspepsia7" Mrs.
Hicks-"Notbing in comparison with
all the other members of the family"
-Net0 York Sun.
20, I'm so disappointed Henry
promised me a sealskin this winter; but
lie dida't get it, II don't wonder you
feel bad. Hopc defurred maketh the
heart sick. Puck.
New Reporter-s.What do the editors
mean by this word fake that they use
all the timePr Old Reporter-''That
refers TO the lies in the other papersr
--Nctc York Herdtd.
Cherub-.'Why did you let that bad
man IMP" ST. Peter (wearily) He
used to be book agent. and / either
had to let him in or be bored to death.
-Neto York Weekly.
Examining Lawyer-..Do you know
anything about protesting draftspr
Candidate-.sWell. / should say so. /
was three years In tho newspaper busi-
ness. - Isrds Sfftiags.
why don't ycu try the faith cnreP''
so l did. ;, ssAnd how did 1t workpr
%. successfully aBy Jovei and it
cured your asthmaf' 20. no. but it
cured my faith. GRIP.
This marrying of foreigners. 1 see.
has also got among our men" WHO'S
the party nowpe Jones. Somebody
was telling me his wife was regular
Tartar. NJ Philadelphia Times.
II will bet that woman's terror
holding her own." was remarked at
the reception. What makes you think
sop Il never saw one show more
backbone. ~ Philadelphia Times.
I'D have you know / was well
brought upi' exclaimed the small man
to the large disputant. That may be. "
replied the latter. .'but you were not
brought up far. "-Hasper's Basar.
He-"Didn't you regard the medium
=
was certainly comely enough. but the
shades she called up didn't match her
complexion."-Ne York Herald.
A genius is a person whom nature
lets in on the ground floor and whom
circumstances force to live in an attic.
1t is one way genius has of keeping up
in the world. d.-Netc Orleans Picaynne.
Your name is Juliapn yes, your
Honor "Tell me how old YOU are.n
twenty-five, your Honor '.Soi
Well. now that you have given your
sge, we will administer the OATH
F2iege,sde Btatter.
Kicker-"Why do you keep Smythe
in your storep He is no good as
clerkI'' Merchant-s'No he would
hardly do as the head of a department;
but he is all right as counter irri-
tant. Detroit Free Press.
Wife-"But l must have a new chim-
,ney-piece.n Husband-..But / can't
afford it." Wife-.But I must have
itI' Husband-.sWell. get It'll We
must have peace whether we can afford
it or not.n-Neso York Herald.
Cautious Customer (who has heard
the high prices charged in retail drug
stores)-"How much do YOU charge for
ten cents worth of tooth powderP"
Drug Cierk-..For the best quality,
twenty-five cents."-7e 7eTas .Siftings.
You don't bring me any buttons
now," said the minister's wife. do you
never find anv in the collection basketP"
.No. my dear. Since the new tariff