davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
How His Poems Went on.

The following letter shows how a
young gentleman made money by pub
fishing book Of poems. The publish.
er wrote Immediately after the book
was published: Dear Sir: Your whole
sdition is gone off, leaving balance OF
eco in your favor. Check inclosed.
P. S.-There was q fire in the ware
house and the contents were insured. "
London It'd Bits
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
At the Club.

Plunkct-Hc's a vulgah fellah. lie is
In twade. ] shall black ball him.
Schley-That is fatal didn't know
he was in business. by the way.
PUNK, how are you killing time nova
lays?
Misunderstanding fox terwiers, as
asual.-Puck.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
An Artificial Pixies Peak

Mr.. Gotham-They tell me Chicago is
going to have a tower higher than the
Eiffel tower. at the exposition.
Mr.. -Yes-siree-bob. Our
tower is to be SO high that from the top
Chicago, suburbs and all.-N. Y.
(Nool>lu
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
PLAYING n TruYnD Card.

Miss Loewenstein-No, Isaac; dot en-
gagemcnt was all up, ! see by der ba-
ger dot your father vas burned out last
night
Mr.. Oxstein-Rebecca, my lofc. vos
you mad? Der oldt man has given me
dot insurance bolicy, and we vas twice
rs rich as pefore!-Judge.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
AMUSING SCIENCE.

An Egg In Fresh Water. In Salt Water
and In q Mixture.
Take two glass Jars, A and B, and o
third, c, double the size. Fill A with
fresh water. II you attempt TO float an
egg on the surface of the water in this
jar you attempt an impossibility. for
the egg will instantly drop to the bot
tom, as the density of the fresh water
is less than that Of the fresh egg. On
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Carbohydrate you going to be at tho
ball Tomorrow night, Miss Esmeralda?
Esmeralda Longcoffim-No, sir,
shall not attend. despise these large
parties where everybody you know IL
present. II isn't safe to talk about any
body.-Texas Siftings.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

work, while the engineer and the dis
trict superintendent stood upon the
platform beside the cab.
Another train had just drawn into the
station and its passengers were emerg.
ing from the cars and hurrying away.
Some of them overheard 4 portion Of
the conversation that was taking place
between the two men as they passed.
and one. middle-aged, well-dressed
individual, seemed greatly impressed
with the few words that fell upon his
ear, for he walked only short distance
before he paused, as if DESTROYS of hear
ing more.
There is no use in talking. Baxter,
you have got to make the run tonight, ="
the listener heard the superintendent
say in a voice that was by no means
pleasant. 1T makes no difference to
me or to the stockholders of this road
what trouble you may have at home.
Your place is on this engine. and there
You must remain or else quit the service
Of the company altogether"
But. SIR replied the driver, in a
pleading tone. do you understand, my
wife is very ill-perhaps dying-and
there is no one with her but our two
little children and kind neighbor,
who cannot spend the whole night by
her side.''
DO not tell you there is no one
about at the present time whom | can
put in your place." returned the off,
cial.
There is Sturgis,'' suggested the
other. ''He is here in the depot at this
moment"
What. that miserable inebriate? He
nevcr'll run train another mile on this
road
''Rut. sir, he has not drank drop for
two months.
That is neither here nor there. He
is not qualified to take your place, not
even for trip"
1T is hard, very hard" murmured
the engineer as he turned away. and
was aboutto mount to his seat in the cab
when the stranger, who had loitered
near. stepped up saying:
II beg your pardon, gentlemen. Did
not hear you say that you wanted to
secure the services of an engineer"
We'll, what If we do?" brusquely
asked the superintendent, looking a,
the man in some establishment.
Then ] should like to offer myself il
1t would be any accommodation. am
an ola railroad man, and an expert.
enced engine driver"
But do not know you," again re
turned the official. 1T would be toe
much risk to trust this train in the
hands of an utter stranger"
Il have papers that will convince yon
] am competent" and the applicant
withdrew from the inner breast poke,
Of his coat leathern wallet, and took
therefrom document, which, however
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
He Remembered.

Brown-Did your uncle remember you
In his will?
Jones lsadly)-Yes, he remembered
me.
"What did he leave you?"
'Nothing."-l1ight.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
vain Effort,

Jonesby-I understand that you write
every month for the Century.
Smithleigh-Yes; every month for it.
but never sec your articles in it."
mo; write for it, but the articles
are eturned."-Jury.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
A New Railroad Purchase.

Day-The secret of Mr.. Gould's south.
ern trip is out at last.
Weeks-What is it?
Day-lle was trying to get an option
on Mason and Dixon's line.-Munsey' s
Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
Carried Too Far.

It Is well to have things appropriate.
but q man viii not take this view when
his wife puts puff sleeves on his smoking
iacket,-Bostou Herald.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Hassenger-How long will it be be-
fore we get into New York. porter?
Porter-Bout quartah of dollah.
sah.-Judpe
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
Tho Real Victim.

Sharpson lin surprise)-You say you
are victim of the cigarette habit?
never saw you smoking.
Phlatz-I don't smoke, but ! can't
help smelling the internal things, can II
Chicago Tribune.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
A Discovery.

Maud-George told me last night ]
was his little duck!
Ethel-He probably discovered that
you were no chicken.-Life.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Baglcy-You're lucky chap, Bailey.
You have one wife in a thousand.
Bailey-Well, who wants any more
than one in q thousand?-Judge.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

-Ground for Mercy.-Judge-''Pris-
oner, have You ever been convicted be-
fore?" "Yes, your honor, but never in
this city."-Fliegende Batter
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

THE SUBSTITUTE.
A Lesson That an Arbitrary Su-
perintendent Never Forgot.

N the railway
depot of a busy,
busting town
in the southern
part of Ohio q
l o c o m o e
stood painting
and snorting rs
II impatient to
speed away on
its journey.
The fireman
was giving his
last touch to
the brig h I "
polished brass
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
At the Indian school,
AaII,..o HH.oAl .xnn saas1

"Horse Teeth, spell Liar"
affair"
Blanket Mouth, what is a Liar?"
''He is q white m2n."-Jury.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
They Flutter Nv.

"Oh. mammal" exclaimed little Maidie
as a bright-winged insect passed the
door. ''here goes autter-byl"-Judge.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Tramp-Madam, wish to tell you
that your generosity saved my life.
Lady-Ah, remember: | gave you a
pie.
Tramp-Ycs; pawned it and bought
food!-Munsey's Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Love Proved W hat0.
AMY am sure that Charley loves
me.
Ethel-What makes you SO sure?
Amy-Although he doesn't say SO.
can see that he hates all my relatives
Munsey's Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
Defects and Excellencies.

Inc boston transcript hears OF Q
schoolboy who has found ont, what al
of US find out sooner or later, that z
single fault attracts more notice than
many excellencies.
81 am sorry, Henry" said Uncle
George, that you exhibit SO little pro.
ficiency in photography. That letter
you wrote to Mr.. Brown the other day
had SO many misspclled words that il
set the whole counting-room in roar.
''H'm!" said Henry. "That's just the
way in this world. There We're goot
many words in that letter that know
were spelled right, but Of course | &c,
no credit for that"
Tit for Tat.
Collector really can't understand
why you don't pay me my little bill.
You haver never given me a single cent.
Hustettcr McGinnis-If time was not
money I'd explain to you.
snow you are giving me impudenee. ~
"Well, you were complaining just now
that hadn't given you anything. You
are always grumbling about nothing"
'You promised to pay me three
months ago, and l relied on YOU"
That's so.''
"And you lied"
Precisely SO; lied on You and you
relied on me, so we are even. Good
by."-Texas Siftings.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

Mabei-Oh. deari I've lost my diary.
Amy-Well, you didn't expect to keep
Il very long. did you?-Puck
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
A boar EOlled.

Gamekeeper-Why didn't you shoot at
that wild boar?
Timid Hunter-What necessity was
there for attracting the attention of the
brute to myself?-Texas Siftings.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
THE TALE OF 4 CAT.
Teddy Chats About His Experiences with
Ralph Amos.

SUPPOSE ! am
one of the hap
piest cats that
ever lived. Ever
since ! was
born, down in
the basement OF
the nice house
that we live in,
] h q we b a d
a b o It every
t h i n g that q
cats heart could
wish for.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28


and sweet / was, and when l used
to be taken up into the library
and placed on that nice soft sofa
pillow every one that came in said that
I was a little beauty. l suppose II
everybody said so it must have been
true. had the incest blue ribbon tied
around my neck all the time, and my
younger days were very happy.
We have some very good times at our
house now. There is Ralph, nice Lit.
tie boy about four years old, and Hec.
tor, one of the incest great dogs you
ever saw, and we three have lots Of fun.
Sometimes Ralph plays circus and
puts me on Hector's back, and then he
makes Hector walk around the yard
while he plays on little trumpet that
he has and leads the procession. He
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28
They Must, or Starve

us there an anarchist living In this
neighborhood? want to get some
laundry work done and the Chinese and
Irish are all off at the parades."
"What are you talking about? An
archists never washl"
mo; but their wives do."-Jury. ~,
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-05-28

They say that l am very
pretty, and before my eyes
were fairly open l could hear
children telling how cunning
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-12-28
A Mare and Colt Chew Tobacco

A Mare and Colt Chew Tobacco
From the New York Sun.
The claims set forth from time
immemorial by tobacco haters that
no animal would touch the weed
that even the hog felt above it, seems
destined to receive q serious set back
Eugene Russell, q farmer living on
the Post Bay road, near Lake Ontario,
is the owner of mare and colt that
are extremely fond of tobacco. The
mare formed a habit long before the
birth OF the colt, and in the case of
the yOungster the appetite seems to
have been inherited.
Three years ago Mr.. Russell de-
Cided that he would cure the mare of
the habit and TO do so he gave her
two pounds of fine-cut. which she
devoured with relish This not faz-
Ing her bit, he tried leaf tobacco, of
which he is a producer In a small
way. After slowing away quantity
of this she showed symptoms OF dis
tress. She was dizzy, and wanted TO
lie down and think over her
sins, about as q small boy might
have wanted 10 do under similar cir
cumstances. This settled her as far
as plain leaf was corcerned, she has
never tasted it since, though fine cut
touches the spot the same as ever it
did.
This was not long previous to the
birth of the colt, and the little fellow
exhibited almost from the first the
"ksnkering" for q chew. 1t was be-
slowed while he was yet at nurse,
and from that day to this both ami
mails will follow any stranger all over
the lot who has the smell of tobacco
about his clothes The colt strange
to say, was not effected by the moth.
er's aversion to natural leaf, but
loves that even better than fine Gu
and masticates all of either that is
forthcoming. Both animals are beau
ties, and no healthier are to be found
in horseflesh in these parts. Mr..
Russell says be thinks the use of to-
bacco has kept them from having |
intestinal worms, which so often dist |
ress horses and injure their disges
ton. The mare is now IL years old |
and the colt over 2.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-12-28

SarUor's, IL w. Commerce. IL 3 lm
"A hundred fine engraved Visiting
Cards make a nice, inexpensive pres
ent. Order from Maverick Printing
House. IL % tf
"A nice assortment OF ladies' toilet
and felt slippers at Sullivan Shoe
Co.'s, Commerce and st. Mary SITS. If
The finest and,,--best slippers for
gentlemen, in Russia calf, alligator,
seal and velvet, at the lowest prices.
Sullivan Shoe Co, store No. 2, Com.
merce street and Main plaza. 1924 If
Red, grey, tan and black slippers
for ladies, in all the latest STYLES, at
Sullivan Shoe Co.'S. 1924 If
Having bought at force sale about
800 handsome all wool and silk mixed
Jerseys for about half actual value,
we will close them out this week tor
less than cost to manufacture. l.
Wolfson. II o. st.
The Ladies' Auxiliary to the Y.
M. c. A, are arranging for their New
Years reception.
The funeral of Aleck Wegemann
took place yes terday morning. COun-
ty Physician Clifford saws Wegemann
died. OF pneumonia instead of from the
blow given him by the negro Stove
wall
superintendent McQueeney, OF
the Southern Pacific, Houston d.
vision, received a silver service as a
Christmas present from the boys on
the LsGrange branch.
We claim to be the cheapest Fur
niture house in Texas, and are fully
prepared to substantiate this asser-
ton by showing you our goods and
prices. L. Woltson. l2-2S-3t.
Mayor Callaghan left for Chicago
Saturday to see about the city bonds.
He will also inspect a chemical fire
engine while absent.
Rev. John G. Fackler and wife, OF
Springfield, Mo, are i'll at Mrs. J. w.
Niels residence, in this city.
The butchers have withdrawn all
opposition to Or. Graves Union
slaughter house and are subscribing
to the stock of the concern.
Read Wolfson's "ad" on page
eight, concerning the greatest closing
out sale of fall and winter clothing on
the American continent today.
1928 st.
st. Msry's chapel, on Martin and
Navarro streets was dedicated by
Bishop Johnston, of the Episcopal
church Saturday afternoon.
The psstores may be seen tonight
and tomorrow night at Krisch's hall,
for the benefit of the drouth sufferers
of Durango, Mexico.
"A candy pulling will be given at
the Alamo Baptist church Tuesday
evening.
-Tsbleaux and musical entertain.
ment will be given at the Alamo
Baptist church Thursday night.
Misses Della, Alma and Lizzie
Niggli, and Messrs. E. Jambois, Will
and Gus Nigglt and Joe Gallag OF
attended hop at Csstroville Satur-
day night. They report very pleas
ant time.
The Young Builders society OF
Alamo Baptist church will give a so.
cisble at the residence Il Rev. Dan
iels, James street, tonight. Friends
all invited.
Special services were held for the
Womsn's Missionary society at the
Alamo Baptist church last night.
They were conducted by Rev. Mr..
Daniels.
-Messrs Karl Krsml, Emil Heilig,
Henry Dukes and Adolph Gimble
represented San Antonio at a grand
ball given by the New Braunfels
people Saturday night. They had an
exceedingly nice time.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-12-28

-Messrs Karl Kraml, Emil Heilig,
Henry Dukes and Adolph Gimble
represented San Antonio at a grand
ball given by the New Braunfels
people Saturday night. They had an
exceedingly nice time.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-12-28

Special services were held for the
Womsn's Missionary society at the
Alamo Baptist church last night.
They were conducted by Rev. Mr..
Daniels,
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-12-28

The Young Builders society of
Alamo Baptist church will give a So
cisble at the residence Il Rev. DAN
ie!s, 5 James street, tonight. Friends
all invited.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-08-28
Well Finished.

Eliphalet Duncan, or "Uncle Lph," as
he was Familiarity called by his relatives
and friends, possessed what he termed
philosophical mind" which stood him
in good stead on many occasions. whats
the sense O. worritin' over things that W
happenedP he used to say. "Jest view
em over careful an you'll most allus find
they've got side you kin dwell on an
take some comfort out'n it."
He had his share of discomforts and
trials, but he was "well to do" man, and
some of his less fortunate neighbors said
that eff they were as forehanded as Uncle
Liph 'twould come easier to bear up under
things"
He had lived in one house ever since his
marriage, when a very young man, but
when he was about sixty years old the old
house WAS letting so dilapidated that he
had a Z. built on a lot of land which
commando. a better view of the hills. He
also built new barn, which was we'll
stored with hay and grain. Much new
furniture was bought, and Uncle Liph and
his wife. with their one unmarried daugh-
ter, were to move over to the new place"
in October.
The last of September the Duncan family,
together with many friends, went to the
county fair, which was held eight or nine
miles away Late in the afternoon boy
arrived at the fair and announced to Uncle
Ljph with Mortified gasps that his new
barn had caught fire, nobody knew how,
and the only neighbor who had staid at
home had been making fruitless attempts
to put out the flames.
When the Duncan family arrived at the
site of what was to have been their new
home in a week or two the barn had been
entirely destroyed and the house was rapid
ly burning
The next morning a farmer driving slow
ly past the scene of the conAagration espied
Uncle Liph seated on the stone wall, in a
Illuminating attitude. He turned round as
he heard the sound of wheels, and said
slowly, "Pm viewin my ruins, We seer
WELL" said his friend, with some en-
ergy, 'I'm bound to say, Uncle Liph, eff /
was in your shoes, sh'd find it consid-
duble Of a stump to philosophize over this
mess"
"Ye-es," drawled the afflicted Eliphalet,
"'tis more difficult N usu'l, but" he add
ed, Frightening a little, tits all fer the
best, in course; an, then, jest see what a
complete job tits; there amt anythin' left
with speakin' of except ashes; an we know
allus was great hand t. like things fin.
ished up, without any shilly-shallyin' or
half way workP'-Youth's Companion.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-08-28

In Ramsay's Pulpit Table Talk" it is
told of .jonu Wesley, that seeing some per-
sons asleep he stopped in his sermon and
shouted. Fire! Fire. Whereof cried the
frightened people. "In hell" answered
Wesley, solemnly, "for those who sleep
under the preaching of the Word"
Daniel Asbury was more indirect. The
people had just returned from camp meet
ing, and it was evident they were rather
drowsily disposed. The old gentleman, per-
ceiviug what the state of things was sud
denly paused in his discourse and said:
Just see what the devil is doing here
these dear people want to hear the word of
the Lord, and do you think the devil isn't
getting them TO sleep already" and then
he resumed his discourse and went on as if
nothing had happened.
James Scrimgeour proceeded to direct
muscular application. Observing one of
his hearers in profound slumber he
stopped in his sermon and asked a parish
Toner sitting near to wake him up. The
nudge, however, was so gentle as to make
no impression on his somnolent neighbor
The good pastor pcrceving how the case
stood exclaimed with the greatest gravity
and the broadest Scotch, "Shak him, Daw
v;A, Sh8k him. st. Louis Globe-Dem
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-08-28
4 Story of Grnrli.

Hon. Simon Wolf, of Washington, re-
lates the following pleasant story concern
ing General Grant during his last term as
presidents: At that time Hebrew, resid
ing in Jerusalem, wrote letter to Mr.
Wolf, asking him TO apprise the "king" of
America of the marriage of the writer's
daughter. So odd was the request, Grant
never having previously heard of the He
brew, that it was handed to the president,
and lac surprised the hri.ie with a substan
tial present. In reply there came from the
father a likeness of Grant made up of He
brew characters-a style of picture popu-
lar with certain Jews Grant thought
nothing more of the incident until reach.
ing Jerusalem, on his memorable tour of
the world, when he was approached by
man, who by the aid Of an Interpreter in
formed the famous visitor that he was the
writer of the letter. Philadelphia Ledger
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1891-08-28

Amycla, if the old legend of it's fate is to
be relied upon, actually persisted through
silence The legend concerning the unique
end Of this ancient city is as follows: Amy
clR was "A town of i.aconia, founded by the
Lacedemonian king ANGELA. 1t was an
independent city for many years, but was
finally conquered by the Spartans. The
city had been SO often alarmed by false
rumors of a projected Spartan invasion
that at last, weary of living in state OF
absolute terror, it was decreed that it
shoald lie made public offense to report
the approach of en- enemy. So, when the
SnlItaus at last ACT ually appeared before
tie city, no one dared to warn the officials
OF their approach, and thus they were able
to take the town with scarce an effort.
There is, it must be admitted, another
silence" myth concerning Amycle. Ser
vius says that the city was founded by
Pythagoreans, forbidden by laws of their
order to speak of or to harm serpents The
result was that the snakes from the hills
sought the precincts of the city, aud, no
one during 10 speak of it to his neighbOr or
10 harm the Shiny creatures, one by one
the Inhabitants left, until finally the city
was completely turned into "A snake den
ST. Louis Republic.