Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-12-06
WILDER In BOSTON.
Not Such a Bad Place as the Comic
Papers Try to Make 1t Out.
A PARROT In AN EXPLOSION.
The Irreverent Small Eoy Explains Daniels
Escape From the Lions.
LONG AND SHORT OF 1T IN LONDON
WRITTEN FOR THE DISPATCH.

| WRITTEN FOR THE DIsPATCH.I
I've been sojourning in Boston for about
a week and L enjoyed myself so much that
wanted to buy the town. Boston people
aren't bit like the. stories that are told
about them; they're always looking for
chances to spend money instead of saving
it. They don't offer a guest baked beans,
nor ask him to climb Bunker Hill monu-
ment with them, and on Sunday they stay
home from church as easily as if they had
been born and brought up in New York-as
good many of them were.
As for Boston girls and women, they can't
be beat, in which respect they are very
much like their sex all over our glorious
country From what I had read in some Of
the funny papers I supposed that all of the
Boston girls wore glasses, carried big books
under their arms, and wore blue stockings,
with all that the word implies, but you may
see more eyeglasses in the neighborhood Of
female seminary in New York than in a
dozen candy shops full of Boston girls;
most of the books they carry are paper COW
cred novels, and didn't see a single blne
stocking on Boston clothesline, though
was in the city on washday-
Why One Man Wouldn't Reform.
Boston people are different from all other
Americans in one respect; they sre SO salts
fed with their city that they never want to
leave home. They tell over there of hoary-
headed sinner-for there are such beings
even in Boston, who expressed a sincere de-
sire to turn from the error of his ways, but
didn't do any turning. A good old minis
I %ar ,rE<D Ha1 orIo in
studied the sinner for while and then
went to him and said:
my friend, hear that you wish to lead
a new life, but don't seem to begin. What's
the trouble?" q
ooh, Dominic" wa. the reply, there's
something awful on nv mind
':My poor brother. It's your fear Of the
bottomless pit suppose"
'Not a bit of it. L was brought up Uni
versalist."
sIndeed? Then what is the cause Of your
trouble? Remorse over some great sin Of
| your early life, suppose"
"'Tisn't that. either; never injured any,
body but myself. The fact is, Dominic, if
reform I'll have to go to heaven when die,
I but if stick to nv old ways and die / can
stay right on Boston soil to the end Of eter-
nifty. and that's just what want to do.
A Tale From the Navy.
! Among the best fellows with whom I
swap stories are the officers of our army and
| navy They are splendid set of fellows
| who never talk about themselves, and always
speak we'll of other people, and they move
from place to place so much that they hear
| all the good stories that are going. One Of
| them gave me warn which / wish could be
worked into the heads of some of the people
p; who sometimes sit near me in the theater
and spoil the show BY telling each other,
loud enough for everybody TO hear, that
| they wonder what is coming next. The
story was that two Yankee sailors strolled
into show in Guatemala where prestidig-
itateur was entertaining the audience. A
parrot perched on the back of the bench
| where thev sat. After every surprising
feat one sailor would turn to the other with
| the remark:
''That was pretty good Iwonder what
| will come next?
This was repeated until it made the parrot
| tired. Presently one of the sailors threw
burning match with which he had lighted
his pipe; it fell through crack in the floor
| and into the powder magazine. Bif went
| the whole building, people and all, and
nothing was LETT but hole in the ground
and the parrot. who was uninjured though
badly shaken up. The bird pulled itself to-
gether, Strengthened out its feathers, tapped
its way to q heap of ruins, and croaked:
Ruling Passion oil the Banker.
"-That was pretty good. wonder Whist
will come next?"
When got back from Boston went to
see one of nv bankers. Some men can get
along with q single banker, but the less
money a man has the more people he is
likely to worry about it. i found good
man suffering with a slight cold. and he was
so depressed by it that he said he feared he
had not long to live.
'.Pshsw," said l. 'sBrace up, old man.
WHY. you're only 60 years old, and I'll bet
| you'll live to be hundred. 3"
"Ah, no." he sighed. You don't take 8
| business view of such things. Do you sup
! pose the Lord is going to wait and take me
at a hundred when he knows he can get me
now at 60?'
One of the greatest comforts in telling
| stories is in the different ways in which
some people take them. One evening at
! London party where L had been reciting,
Oscar Wilde chanced to stand alone and
went over to speak to him. Oscar is about
the taIlest thing in all England, next to the
TOP of st. Paul's Cathedral, and L am 50
short that / can scarcely reach the lowest
button of his swallow-tailed coat-he wears
one now
..Say." drawled British wit who stood
in a group near us, whats the difference
between Oscar and the little fellow who has
been entertaining US tnls evening!
Everybody gave it up.
"Whv'' said the wit, zone is Wilde, and
the other is just little Wilder"
When the laugh ended, grave old chap
grunted
"Umph should say the difference was
Just about four feet.
Why Daniel Wasn't Eaten.
It takes the children, though, to get une1-
pected points out of stories. A religious
mother was telling her only son the story of
Daniel, and how that good young man was
thrown into den full of lions, yet came
out in the morning entirely unhurt, al
though the lions ate a lot of bad men who
were thrown in Immediately afterward
s'Now, nv DEAR" said the mother in con-
clusion, as she put on her most earnest face,
'1'll tell you why the lions didn't eat
Daniel"
81 know already, said the young hopeful
"Precious boy" murmured the mother.
"Why was it?''
"'Twas because Daniel w6Gld have made
only a mouthful apiece for such q crowd,
but when lot of fellers was chucked in
they get their hungry on
Merrily yours,
MARSHALL P. WILDER