davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10
A Serious Hunnorist.

My story is a sad one' and won't take long to
To any sort of metre can suit it just well.
You'll understand my misery before the tale
is done.
1t all began one hapless day-the day I made
pun;
And ever since that fatal hour the people do
declare
That became humorist, alas! right then
Though to be considered serious I'd give a lot
of money,
Whatever may say or do, they will insist it's
funny.
might perhaps have since escaped the dire
full consequences
Had not penned feeble joke when hardly
in my senses
Twas printed in a paper of tremendous circu-
lation,
And 1 was dubbed a humorist by all the
laughing nation.
In vain tried to prove myself a lbeiled indi-
vidual,
The fatal truth confronted me-the joke was
quite original.
Where'er / went there followed me that dread
full reputation.
And every word spoke aroused uproarious
exclamation,
If remarked in casual tones upon the gloomy
weather,
The people laughed until they cried, and
laughed and cried together;
When | gave information of some accident
distressing.
They roared with mighty merriment exceed
ingly depressing:
And when failed in business and despair
ingly told my wife,
She, laughing, vow'd I'd never been so funny
in my life!
/ dressed in sombre black, assumed a grim,
funereal air,
And spoke in .woe-enveloped tones, my face
disIraught with care.
I wept a little when I could, all steep'd in
melancholy,
But people only laughed again, and whispered,
Amt he jolly"
In fact, the more that became a sacrifice to
sadness
The more met the wretched glee that drove
me near to madness.
Full half my time is spent in declining press
ing invitations
To humorous banquets and to write for comic
publications,
And scented notes and letters couched in
words sweet as honey
<'Now won't you send your autograph? and
please to make it funny
If should sink beneath my trials, and leave
this mortal sphere,
The world would give me credit for the best
joke of the year;
And doubtless folks who come to gaze upon
my monument
Would find it quite impossible to keep their
laughter pent.
'Tis useless to deny it now, alack! tie mis-
chiefs done,
And must be a humOrist, tho an uncon-
sciOuS one.
I've only this request to make, which no one
can resist:
Please call me in my epitaph the Serious
Humorst
Herbert Hall Winslow in Harper's Maga-
zine.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10
What Primi- i've Man Ate.

Primitive man, wherever he was first
cast. whether in one center or more
thar one, must of necessity have found
his food in the plant world. We can
not imagine him commencing his
career learned in the arts of hunting,
killing, and cooking the lower animals
for food. Many infer from this circum-
stance that the argument in favor of
the vegetarian practice is copied direct
from nature, signed and delivered by
her. Not quite SO fast. There is one
interposing barrier to the free accept
ance of vegetarian deed and act of con-
veyance of food from nature to man.
Nature herself, of her own right royal
will, makes for animals, herbiyorous
and carnivorous, one distinctive ami
NAL food: section from the living ami
NAL organization, a fluid which is a
standard food-meat and drink in one
the fluid known under the name of
milk. Against absolute vegtarianism,
then, we may fairly set up one excep-
tion derived from nature as the unerr-
ing guide. On observing the habits of
animals we discover another natural
fact. We find that animals of quite
different natures, in respect to primitive
selection of food, possess the power of
changing their modes of feeding and
of passing over, as it were, from one
class to another. This change is dis
tinct but limited, and we must accept
it with all its extension on the one side
and all its limitation on the other. The
fruit-eating ape can be taught under
privation to subsist on animal diet;
dog can l believe be taught to subsist
on vegetable diet. But it would be
as impossible to teach sheep to eat
flesh as it would be to make Il lion feed
on grass.-Longnaan's Magazine.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10
CONSUMPTION Cured.

An old physician. refined from practice,
having had placed in his hands by an East
India missionary the formula of a SIMPLE
vegetable remedy for the speedy and pei
manent cure of consumption, bronchiti ,
catarrh, asthma and all throat and lung af-
fections, also positive and radical cure for
nervous debility and all nervous complaints,
after having tested it's wonderful curative
powers in thousands of cases, has felt 1T his
duty to make it known to his suffering fell
lows. Actuated by this motive and a desire
to relieve human suffering, I will send free
of charge. to all who desire it. this recipe.
in German, French, or English, with full
directions for preparing and using. Sent
by mail by addressing with stamp, naming
this paper. w. A. MOVES, $50 Powers
Block. Rochester, N. Y.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10

Wesley O'Day, 20-year-old farm
hand of Nevada, Mo-, has fallen heir
to nearly $2,000,0O0. He has gone to
Albany, N. Y, to join his uncle, a
brother and sister there, who together
with him fall heir to S., ,000,O 900. O'Day
has been in extreme poverty for the
last eight years, having run away from
home when II years of age. He re-
ceived authentic information before
leaving that the apportionment had
been made, and his share amounts to
81 ,666, 900.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10

The following frank statement from J. F..
Hare, of Trenton, Texas. will be of interest
to many of our citezens. ''My little boy
was very bad off for two months with diar-
rhea. We used various medicines, also call
ed in two Doctors. but nothing done him any
good until we used Chamherlain's Coic,
Cholera and Diarrhga Remedy, which gave
immediate relief and soon cured him. l con-
slider it the best medicine made and can con-
scientiously Recommend it to all who need
a diarrhoea or collie medicine" For sale by
T. Graham, druggist.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10

Don't buy washer until you have seen
the Pacific thoroughly tested.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-10

See those embroidered shawls at the {
Ladies Bazar.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
Excursion Train Wrecked.

| An excursion train of fifteen cars,
which left Cleveland, Ohio, Sunday on
the Nickle Plate railway, jumped the
track near Dover, Ohio, and seven cars
were wrecked. The train was loaded
with street railway employees and their
families, who were going to Oak Point,
pleasure resort on the lake shore. One
man was killed and abou@ thirty persons
injured. The list of killed end injured,
all residents Of Cleveland, is: Henry
Rogers, aged q, crushed to death; Burt
Keefe, aged Is, skull fractured and legs
hurt, will probably die; Peter Credon,
aged q, badly crushed, may not recover;
S. NJ. Clark, ribs broken; Thos. Graulty,
badly crushed and internal I'M uries;
Mary Reddy, ribs broken and internal
injuries; Edward Sheppard, leg crushed
and hurt internally; William Stegkem-
per, scalp wound and leg crushed; Chas.
Quark, badly bruised; W. j. Hempstreet,
arm broken and leg crushed. A'score or
more others were more or less injured,
but were able to be removed to their
homes and their names could not be as
certained. When the accident occurred
the train was running about thirty miles
an hour. The engine went down the
bank on the side, seven cars being
thrown across the rails in both direc-
tions. Ore coach was split in two and
others badly smashed.
Rogers, the man killed, had to be
chopped out. The engineer and fire
man escaped by jumping. Farmers liv-
ing near the scene of the accident came
to the rescue aud the injured were taken
care Of until a corps of physicians, sent
from Cleveland, arrived. The cause OF
The accident was due to the spreading OF
The rails.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

Inc supreme court of Connecticut ba
decided that Burkley is the r;ah+f" %
governor OF that state The issns "vr W. !"
made by petition in behalf Of M he va; ma
vate secretary for writ Of m.ndanp,,, r,
on the comptroller to enforce a +ha ,ln'' ~"
ment OF his salary. 'ne pay
anton karl, an old and trusted oftica
OF the geological survey, was arrested % %
washington Monday, charged with am q
bezzling $1,000 in government t fnnds odS
tie asserts that while there were annor "s
ent irregularities he never took Pp dnlio,
not belonging to him. . ''''''
IN the park opposite the civ hall
Brooklyn, the tribute in hron.o ant
granite to Henry Ward Beecher was n, mn
velled at 4 o'clock Wednesday afternoon
A large crowd of people was nrasent
among them being 800 SUNDAY schoo
children, who took part in the EXERCISES
At the annual election of officers
OF the supreme lodge A. O. II
w w. IN session at Detroit, Michigan. J
W. hlnsley OF Helena, Mont. was elected
supreme master; J. w. Burt. Maiden
Mass, supreme foreman; Dr. w n
Shields of Missouri, supreme ovarsoar
and L. z. Young of Lexington. Ky az,
preme guide. '' ."
information has been received at
Washington that King Humbert. Of
Italy, on the recommendation of Pre-
mler Rudini and Baron Faya. tho lato
minister to the United States has
knlghted DIR. T. S. Verdi, of that c;tV
and bestowed upon him the title cf
chevaller in return for extraord;n.r1,
services rendered that country Veri;
was formerly barber in that citv and
claims allegiance to this country Ha
was an intimate friend of Baron Eava
At the time OF the New Orleans incident
Verdi denounced the New Orleans peo.
pie bitterly. He said nothing more
could be expected from a communitv
whose governor and whose mayor was
murderer.
A Berlin dispatch saws: A great 70
llglous function will open at Treyes.
August 23rd, when the rarely seen "holy
coat" will be exhibited in the cathedral
OF st. Peter and st. Helen there. The
"holy coat is a relic which has been
preserved with the greatest reverence
IN the Treves cathedral for many wears
and is esteemed as it's greatest treasure.
1t is alleged to be the seamless coat
worn by our Saviour. It is said 70 have
been discovered by Empress Helena dur
ing her memorable visit to Palestine in
the fourth century. After numerous
the coat was deposited in
the cathedral of St Peter and st. Helen.
and since the year 1896 has, at exceed,
ingly long intervals, been exhibited to
the faithful. Miraculous curative DOW
ers are ascribed to the relic. The exhi-
bltlon OF the "holy coat" in l843 is mem
orable for the reaction which it pro-
duced, leading to the secession of Ronge
and the German Catholics from the
Church of Rome.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

A Helena special to the Standard says:
Some more denials and counter ale
cations are made today in the story Of q
married married life. Mrs. Edgerton, who ar
rived here few days ago from Merriam
Park, Mimi, fled in the district court
today her counter affidavit to the charges
made by E. D. Edgerton, member Of
the Episcopal church here and presi-
dent OF the Second National bank. Edg-
erton's affidavit charged that she was
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
CASTLE NOTES
From the Tribune.l

Castle Water and Power company
have about thirty men employed on the
ditch that it is making to supply this
town with water. 1t is three feet deep
by four feet wide.
Mat Clements and George and Pet
WestbrOOk have taken a contract to
sink on the Little Wonder mining loca
tion, which adjoins the American. 1t is
the intention to sink shaft about
seventy y-five feet and then crosscut.
D. N. West has procured contract
from the Castle Water and Power COM
pany to furnish 100000 feet of lumber
for the use of the ditch the company is
now constructing, through which it will
convey water to this town.
On the Smuggler on Wednesday the
new steam hoist was set in operation.
On Thursday the sinker was lowered
into position in the shaft. 1t is the in
tention of the company owning this
mine to prosecute the active develop
ment of this property.
In the last issue of the Rocky Noun
tain Husbandman it hurls a contemptu-
GUS sneer at the Yellowstone Mining and
Smelling company of Castle The man
agement of that company's answer to all
such low innuendoes is that the affairs
of that company are satisfactory to all
entrusted with their control, and that
the amount of the treasury stock of that
company, now in its treasury, far ex
ceeds it's present liabilities. When this
COW sheet throws slur at this company
the people of Castle are we'll aware that
it is in keeping with the old time Gus
tom of that paper. 1t seems that the
two men that manage that paper, from
long associations, must be troubled with
sheep worms. They seem to have taken
possession of their whole reasoning fac
ulties, which render them non compos
mentis whenever they seem called upon
to speak in their paper Of this coming
mining metropolis Of the Castle noun
taina
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
Dated June 9th, 1891.

NOTICE OF ELECTION FOR SCHOOL
IN BONDS Notice is hereby given that an elec-
ton will he held at the school building in the city
of Livivingston, In School District No. 4, Park
county, state of Montana, on Saturday, the 1lth
day of July, A. d. 1891, between the hours of 2
O'Clock and O'Clock p. M, at which time and
place the question will be submitted by the board
of trustees of said school district to the qualified
electors of said School District No. whether the
board of trustees Of said school district shall be
authorized to issue coupon bonds to the amount
Of twenty thousand dollars ($3O,OdO>, bearing in
terest not to exceed per cent the legal rate pre-
scribed by law, PAYABLE seml-annnally. Said
bonds to be payable in twenty years from their
date, and said bonds to pc redeemable in ten
wears from their date, the proceeds to be derived
from the sale OF said bonas to be used in build
ing one or more school houses in said district
and purchasing land necessary for the same.
.tt A. w. MILES,
ALVA MAYNE,
X. H. TALCOTT,
CHARLES GARNER,
ORLANDO EMMONS,
H. W. BINGHAM,
Trustees of Livingston school District No. 4.
Livingston, Mont, June 10, 1891.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
E. F. FERRIS. Register.
list pub. May q, 1917

NOTICE TO CREDITORS. Estate of Duncan
~ J. Mcdonald, deceased. Notice is hereby
given by the undersigned, administrator of the es
tate of Duncan J. Mcdonald, deceased, to the
creditors Of and all persons having claims against
the said deceased, to exhibit them with the
sary vouchers, within four months after the first
publication of this notice to the said administra-
tor at the law Office of Savage Il Day, in Living
transaction Of the business of said estate, in the
county of Park.
Dated June H. 1891.
d. G. ROSS,
Administrator of the Estate of Duncan j. McDOn-
aid, deceased.
first pnb June l3)
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE WHY ORDER
" OF SALE OF REAL ESTATE SHOULD
NOT BE MADE.-In the District Court of the
Sixth Judicial District of the State of Montana,
in and for the county of Park. In the matter Of
the estate of Charles II. Sowl, deceased. Thomas
S. Carter, administrato of the estate of Charles
H. Sowl, deceased, having filed his petition
herein praying for an order of sale of all of the
real estate of said decedent, for the purposes
Hon Frank Henry, judge of said court, that all
persons interested in the estate of said deceased
appear before the said district court, on Monday,
the 2Oth day of July, 1891, at 10 o'clock in the
forenoon of said Gay, at the court room of said
district court, at the court house in the city of
Livingston, county of Park, to show cause why
an order should not be granted to the said ad
mnistrator to sell so much of the real estate OF
the said deceased as shall be necessary. And
that copy of this order be published at least
four successive weeks in the Livingston ENTER
PRISE, q newspaper printed and published in said
Park county. (Signedl
Dated June 9th, 1891.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
LIVINGSTON MONTANA. SATURDAY, JUNE 27 1891

w sharaaD 800 to 500 sheep to keep on
O.. Mont nafes' Address E. B. WATER, Waters P.
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

DANCH FOR SALE-12O acres on Shields
~ river, Il. miles from Yellowstone, all under
fence. $4,000 worth of building improvements.
lie acres under cultivation and 80 acres under
CATION, with good title to water right. House sup
piled with soft water and water right from liv-
ing spring 5000 to 8 600 head of sheep on range
seven miles from Livingston. For particulars
inquire of or address
f. S. WEBSTER l. CO.,
m53 If Tiyin Mont
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

QUEEN ESTHER CHAPTER NO. 3, o. E. $.
" Meets first and third Wednesdays of each
month in Masonic hall, Miles building Sojourn-
ing members cordially invited to attend
:-2l EMMA EMMONS, W. NJ.
IKE BAKER, P.
JENNIE LONG, Secretary
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

VoNO BUTCHERS AND CATTLE DEALERS
Il Notice ID hereby given prohibiting the pur
chase from one William II. Of Prewitt any cattle
branded " on left shoulder, M on left ribs, ~
left hip:or NJ on right ribs, ~ on right hip, as
by contract he has no legal right to dispose of
same. DAVID p. RANKIN,
Livingston, Mont, May 30, 1891. l-2mO%
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

NOTICE is hereby given that the co partner
~ ship heretofore existing tween James E.
Graves and Herbert A. Ormsbee, under the firm
name of Graves Il Ormsbee, is this day dissolved
by mutual consent, James E. Graves retiring
from the firm. The business will hereaft1 be
conducted by Herbert A. Ormsbee, who will col
lect all bills due the firm and also pay all debts
owing by the firm of Graves Il Ormsbee.
HERBERT A. ORMSBEE,
JAMES E. GRAVES.
Dated at Cooke, Park county, Montana. this
10th day of Jure, A. ID. 1891. juO4t
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION-Land Office at
N BOzeman, Montana, May 26, 1891. Notice
has filed notice of his intention to make final
proof in support of his claim, and that said proof
will be made before the judge or clerk of the 9th
Judicial District court, at Livingston. Montana,
on July 9Th, 1891, viz: Frank Z. Reed, II. A. No
,aO4, for the n. f. "a, Sec 8, T 2 south, X. 10
east He names the following witnesses to prove
his continuous residence upon and cultivation of
said land, viz: Daniel Mcleod, John Harvat,
Greenberry Blakely, Harry Philbrick, all of Liv
ingston, Park county, Montana;
f. F. FERRIS, Register.
Ost pub. May 30, 1897
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION.-Land Office
IN at BOzeman. Montana, May Il, 1891 Notice
is hereby given that the following named settler
has filed notice of his intention to make final
will be made before the judge or clerk of the
Sixth Judicial district court at Livingston, Mon
tana, on July 1st 1891, viz: Allan Watson, p. ID.
$. No. l2O6, for the E. a S. E. a and s. f. a of
n. f. u, sec 1S, town south, range 10 east. He
names the following witnesses to prove his con-
tjnuous residence upon and cultivation of said
land, viz: Frank c. Reed, Daniel w. Mcleod,
George w. Davis, James c. Reed, all of Living
go E. +. FERRIS. Register.
80,
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

ESTRAiED.-One gray horse branded II on
~ shoulder, and bay horse brand
ed D on hip. Said animals left the old range
OF Markham \ jackson about April 1st. A re-
horses by W. B. Stebbins, Livingston, Montana
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27
Now
Is the Time

To purify your blood and fortify your system
against the facilitating effects of spring
weather At no other season is the bitter
taste in the mouth more prominent the breath
a. so offensive, the drowsy dizziness
NU0K so frequent, or that extreme tired
OIl feeling so prevalent Hoods Sar-
saparilla is just the medicine to
purify the blood, cure sick headache, bilious
ness and overcome that tired feeling.
have been troubled great deal with
headache, had no appetite, no strength, and
~: r: :: q: i: !: IS: :: Headache
Since taking Hoods
Sarsaparlla have not had the headache. my
food has relished, and seemed to do me good,
and have found myself growing stronger
every day." NJ A. STEINMAN, 10 Grand
Avenue. Grand Rapids, Mich
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

NOTICE-For sale or rent, the Alhambra Medi-
~ cal Hot Springs on the Butte line of the N.
T. W. Z. X. X. between Helena and Butte.
References required Address Mrs. $. W. RED
DING. lt*
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

n S %ld and weighing 300 pounds Apply to j :.
inostnn Lower Main street livery stable, Liv-
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

A TTENT!ON.- Post No. :, Depart.
A. ment Montana q. A. r., meets at Masonic
Hall the first and third Tuesday of each month
at half past seven sharp. Visiting members are
cordially invited. H. W. BINGHAM, Com dr.
L. &. LA BARRE, Adj't
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

'oa ca,t tsAhEnI Ahisn have fresh milch COW, with
formation a,l nacn wish to sell For further in
The Livingston enterprise. [volume] (Livingston, Mont.) 1883-1914, 1891-06-27

- CUT: a bargain. Also harm to rent: stable
ami smisltf HHrses. Apply Box 4Ol, Livingston.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-12-17
HEADLIGHTS.

The meeting IN Chicago Tuesday Of the
general passenger agents OF Duluth Chicago
lines resulted only in one agreement-the
rates on the Duluth, South Shore IL Atlantic
were aaised sufficiently to suit the Chicago
lines out of Duluth via Mackinaw. The
South Shore line WILL hereafter run Wagner
buffet sleeper between Duluth and Detroit,
making the same time as the lines via Chi
cagO.
A bill will be introduced in congress to
prohibit the paying of commissions by any
railroad in the United States.
General Manager Scott and Freight Agent
Ober, of the Omaha. returned last evening
from a trip over their line.
Assistant General Freight Agent Walker,
of the Duluth. South Shore Il Atlantic goes
to Duluth to-day.
A. c. Harvey, northeastern agent of the
Great Northern at Boston, is in the city to
spend Christmas.
". F. Herman, general agent. of the Great
Northern at Cleveland, o., is i'll the city fol-
the holidays.
L. w. Lake, Eastern agent of the Great
Northern at New York. is in the city Tor
Christmas.
Col. Malone, special agent at Miles City for
the Great Northern, left for Chicago last
evening
General Passenger Agent Gilfllan. of the
st. Paul & Duluth, has returned from the
North.
r. c. Judson. general emigration agent of
the Duluth x Winnipeg road, is in the city.
General Freight Agent CLARK. of the Omaha,
has gone to Chicago 10 spend the holidays.
d. G. Jones, assistant general freight agent
of the Milwaukee at Chicago is in town.
General Passenger Agent Hubbard, of the
Soo returned from Chicago Yesterday.
Nick Vanderwater. of the Vanderpool line
at Vanderbilt is in the city.