Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1891-01-17
WHY THEY LAUGH.
Funny Things That Keep Census
Clerks on the Grin.
HUMoR OF SOME RETURNS.
Singular Disabilities Reported-Oueer Names
Pound in the Enumeration Schedule
Towns That Have Curious Applications
Fun In Dry Documents.

experience of the enumerators in securing the
Information asked for. Other funny things
are constantly cropping out that are fully as
ludicrous, il not more so, than those already
told. but these are accessible only to those
clerks in the Offices here whose mouths are
closed BY a wholesome fear Of the general
orders forbidding them to give out informa-
ton for publication A gentleman who was
recently ''in the census is possessed of a keen
sense Of the humorous. absurd and ludicrous,
and while employed in the Office he made numer-
Gus memorandum while examining schedules
from and letters to enumerators, which he
showed to a STAR reporter.
One kind-heartsd enumerator in Indiana,
with delicscy worthy Of emulation. describes
0 lady in his district as being ''deforIned in
right eve" Every one has heard coarse and
ribald remarks about ewes whose axis of vision
was obhqued, but the man from the hoop-pole
section struck a new style.
Another Indiana man mentioned a consider
able number of persons in his returns as Dis
sbled by rum. or partially disabled by rum"
That paralyZed the clerks here. until shrewd
one decided that the enumeratOr reported
'.rum" as an sbbreviation of rheumatism and
correspondence proved he right.
From Illinois a man Is reported as deaf in
his ears" The official was probably thus par
tcuar for fear that Superintendent Porter
might think the deafness was IN the shoulders
or knee joints
CASE OF DEFoRMITY.
Referring to the 'deformity in right eye,"
many schedules returned reported persons af-
fieted with ''crippled speech" or speech de-
formed" A prominent newspaper man who
used to conduct a morning paper here would
sarely have had his speech reported some such
way. When he was here a man-nOw dead
who continually writing long communion
tions on all kinds of abstruse subjects was a
holy terror to editors, for he would haunt the
Offices until his screeds were published, and he
would not be fooled by the '.mislaid' dodge or
the waste basket One time he pestered this
editor until the latter overhauled the matter
with blue pencil and pair of shears and put in
about quarter OF a column out Of two solid col
umns furnished. In came the man, madden
than he would have been at the waste basket.
and wanted to know why his matter mutt
lated. 1T was too long, and had to condense
1t, painfully suffered the editor.
''Condense thunder That wasn't condensed
you rewrote it yourself. and was too ignorant
TO understand the subject. You can't write a
blamed bit better than you can talk
Then the mad was on the editor, who had the
rude director fired out. AL this part is not
much census. but il reminded me-
A citizen of Arkansas raised such a serious
row with an enumerator that the case was duly
reported here. The citizen insisted that he
should be reported on the schedule as dds
abled; loss Of arms" because .'some son of a
boss pistol stole my revolver and bowie when
was full Not so reported.
The papers have already told how the census
clerks were gathered from all over the country,
but one Of them from a western country local
ity developed lack of geographical knowledge
that shocked the effete ones from Washington
and the New England states by remarking in
establishment. when he discovered that much
over hundred enumerators had been en-
ployed in the Rhode Island district:
Good Lord / should think that half a dozen
or 50 ought to count up the whole state in half
an hour"
Innocent Wolf was found to be the head of
family at Atchison. Kan. Indian, of course
and very appropriately named
QUEER NAMES.
There are some very queer names found in
the schedules, and here are a few specimens:
Mr.. Coldmorning Of Indiana is naturally re-
ported as having chronic rheumatism. Lizzie
Openlock is not a burglar, but is rheumatic
Miss Canine lives at Charlottesville. John Mus
sulman of Kansas is not a Mohammedan, as the
name would apply. David Bonecutter is not a
surgeon, but Kansas farmer. Mary Taught is
properly Texas schoolmarm. If William
Splinter Of Iowa is as thin as his name he could
not have made match, for he is reported mar
rled- Mr.. Arthur Newcent lives at Coyington
KY, but Is paralyZed. George Cackle of Iowa
Is married; his wife probably works the name
Francis s. Freshwater. North Carolina, is rheu-
matte. John Basso lives near Cleveland, Ohio
VIM. Freelove is an Illinois man. while Christ
Lichte, who would naturally be his opponent
Is in Missouri. Dir. Right and katherine Hell
get are Of New Haven.
Loves Level is in North Carolina and was
enumerated by T. l. Love, but Daniel Great
Cupid is reported crippled at Georgetown,
s. G. Peter E. Gingrass of Marquette evidently
found new way TO spell peppermint.
VIM Beiseicle of Utica came pretty near be-
ing eligible for bicycle club. Charles Hand
work is Pennsylvania shoemaker. VIM. B.
Skeleton. Ohio, has lost one eve: most of his
man 10 named Cooprider it Is not proof that he
is Illegally fond of chickens. Neither is his
name proof that Mr.. Morningstar, West vir-
ginia, gets up early in the morning. Charles
Fatman is in Concord. Ill.
Mr.. Shaver is census clerk in the Inter
ocean building, and his fellow clerks are Won
dering If Mr.. Porter in appointing the young
man here was looking ahead to the next census
Of Washington.
The strangest lot Of names was reported from
o single district in Los Angeles county, Cal,
when in sequence on one schedule are the
names Of James Blue, John GRAY, VIM. White
Edward Brown, Samuel Green, VIM. Redd and
Henry Black. In two other districts in the
same county the curious census clerk found the
following names representing the vegetable and
mineral kingdoms: James Wood, George Ash
VIM. Tree, Frank Cane. Arthur Pine, Edward
Maple, Geo. Oaks, Ed Apple, George Vine,
hciIy hOOty James Glass. EDWARD Irons, RC-
dolph Silver, James Coke, Albert Pitcher and
Fred Steel
TOWNS AND VILLAGES.
There are queer names Of towns and villages
also, but, while all could be found by laboriously
going through the postal guide these following
ones came under the notice Of my clerical
friend: Boy is in Tennessee, as is Mill
Point in Sullivan county, which latter seems
an appropriate location for the next physical
argument Of the pride Of Boston and the his
trionic art "Caraway," NC, if there's any
thing in a name, must be seecy and Hives
same state, where all hands scratch for living
''Flea Hill, NC, should be a very lively place
and q considerable number Of inhabitants are
reported defective in mind" No fnancier
should be in '-Short," Tex. Accident is not
Q railroad town, though it is in Garrett county,
Nd Very many OF the enumerators were men
who evidently would be laid out badly in a
0yl service examination, and as most Of this
class were in the rural districts their own igno-
rance, combined with that Of the enumerated
led them 20 report exactly what was told them
by the Latter, and such cases were often so
vague In meaning as to require correspondence
With the enumeration, and that brought more
funny things Thus: The reported cases Of a
young woman Who ''never grew" woman
who suffered from accident in Sleep" back
OF neck drawn into spine" and Texas woman
VINO had something were all referred back
for particulars
SINGULAR DISABILITIES.
Here are some verbatim specimens of re-
ported disability: Crippled in side, horned
90; crippled in right leg and mind;' don't
know vhat-had it for twenty or more years."
fright weak in the back" ''eye half ont"
kE.@~. NrG- n. al.