Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-06-28

Everybody is there snoring. Then YOU at
tempt to descend stairs which you think
must lead to where the servants ought to be,
After you crash against sharp angles and
fall in unexpected turns, this attempt is
abandoned. In desperate hope and courage
you begin scaling the ascents to upper mys-
teries. You are more successful here, for,
by following the stair railing, you can at
least for some little time proceed You go
pretty high this way. Doubtful of where
you are, you return fight or two. Then
you move stealthily through dark, stufy
hall: Like a sneak thief you try every door
you find, listening with beating heart fo'
movements of vengeance from suppositi-
tious occupants.
A Season of Tips and Disappofntments.
Your strained hearing catches the sound
of footsteps. You suddenly pounce upon
him and hold him as remorselessly as ever
"Goody Blake" was clutchcd by "Harry
Gill" The man says, Lord bless us!" but
does not seem very frightened. He proba-
bly, knows what it is to be frequently sur
prised in the dark by desperate people. You
demand with suppressed emotion to be led
to your room. Lord bless us, yes, certainly;
but you do not loosen your grip upon the
individual. By and by you have penetrated
the somewhere, and you find yourself in
room that must be your room because you
recognize some features of your luggage
when falling over it.
But there you are at last, and what a
room? Shades of past ages, how thy kindly
wraiths are insulted by what is here in pre-
tension, patching, mold and decay! One
fears to use drawer lest the furniture will
crumble in pieces and dolorous spirits be
fCha ,roohcEorI is bo
bowl is cracked; the towel is as shredded as
a politicians record. You can only sit in
safety on the floor. You ''tip" the man you
have caught out of all reason, and shiver-
ingly ask for light and a fire. Lord bless
us, yes, certainlY-as to light; but there
must be consultation about the fire. He
departs and you stand there supported by
hope and a compact, black atmosphere for
good half hour. He never returns. Another
man does. This one brings one tiny candle
family limiting of light, and disclosing the
extraordinary necessity for light. You sug-
gest that you will need more. He is APPALLED,.
But you pledge your ability to pay for two,
or even three candles, if all are burned to-
gether. That may be admitted, but the
innovation is too much. You fee this new
man. Lord bless US, yes, certainly; he will
see. He goes away and never returns. You
take your candle and make a little trip
around the echoing halls, but you find no
one.
You Must Rave Like Maniac.
Then you return to your room, find the
bcllcord and enliven the hostelry for long
time with doleful tollings, janglings and i'm
petuous staccatos of remote but strong
toned bell By and by another man comes,
as if in doubtful attentiveness, and seems
or vii To Ennru IF houa raol1u
You endeavor to make it clear that YOU
have, and why you tave; and you fee him
and say, "My good fellow!" and There's
mani" and other friendly things. This one
goes and stays, like the rest. You begin on
the bell again, or, thoroughly reckless and
desperate, rush to your door and yell; yell
as one will yell when the limit of human
patience is reached. In moment they are
all there; all the pack of prosecutors who
first gave you welcome. You address them
in unmistakable language. They are sur
priscd, panied, humiliated, at your extraor-
dinary conduct. But by frank statement
that unless a fire of Goals is put in your
CRATE you will utilize the unjointed sec
tions of furniture for the purpose,
and unless you are furnished enough
candles you will make pyre of
the inn itself for light with which
to get out of it, you are eventually provided
with what you want-by two or three other
people who have been lying in wait for this
very denouement; these only submitting to
accommodate you after their palms have
been crossed with silver, like the bad old
witches of the story books.
In every other act or fact about the Brit
sh inn, there is the same hopeless stubborn
ness. Once within it you must resign YOUR
,o1f cnul and hodry fn ind hoh Ia a. =,
attention and every conceivable affront and
ncivility. The guest is creature to be
,lucked, bullied and pillaged. To these be-
ngs with wooden heads and straw hearts,
who do not "keep" them but are kept by
hem, civility is unknown; comfort is un-
needed; innovation is treason, and dynamite
urks in all suggestion of improvement.
Choose the Temperance Hostelries.
1t would be captious and dishonest to as
ert that there are no pleasant exceptions;
,ut anyone who has travelled much in Eng
and and Scotland knows that the above pic
ure is true one of nine-tenths of those
ms the average wanderer finds in the aver
lge English and Scottish town or village
in every place visited would
10 doubt reduce ones percentage of misery.
But as you are compelled to know it, in
passing rapidly from place to place, the en-
ire system is one of grab-and-pluck. The
oar is the British innkeeper's god. He has
10 pride in his house and the entertainment
lie might give. If your bill for liquors is
likely to four or five times exceed that for
bed and board, you are tolerated and even
,oddled. If you have something to do be-
'ides guzzle, you may as well understand
irst as last that you are not wanted, and
will not be decently treated. In nine
;enths of all British inns there is not a
public room-and they are all notorious
y tiny and close-where the fumes and
smoke of liquor and tobacco do not form
lense and awful pillar of cloud and fire by
night and day. The inn is absolutely the
par annex here.
But there is hope for the traveller in Eng
and and Scotland in two directions. If one
will make rule of patronizing only the
temperance hotels, or of hunting out the
lumblest and most insignificant inn that
an be found in the place of arrival, my
word for it, a clean bed, fairly comfort
lble room and the best attention and serv-
ce to be had in this country, will in nearly
III cases be secured. The temperance hotels
# our own country are as rule only fit |
places for Standardization or suicide.
Here they are the only places where one
an secure any manner Of adequate enter
ainment. EDGAR L. WAKEMAN.