Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-11-29
TALES FROM WILDER.
Episodes Of the War Improved Upon
by Loquacious Veterans.
THE CONTENTS OF A BALE OF HAY.
A Mean Man Who Gave His Wife 800 In
Promises on Her Birthday.
C0EUNDRUM PUT BY A NEWSDElLER.
WRITTEN FOR THE prsPArcH.I

WRITTEN FOR THE DrsPArcH.I
II q man is railroading, steambosting and
staging about country, and longing for
somebody to talk to, he finds himself In
luck when he drops upon two or three vet
Grams who are swapping war stories I've
heard these war stories called chestnuts,
but never heard the same yarn twice, and
from the number which each survivor seems
to have brought home in his mental knsp-
sack don't see any need for soldier to
tell any story more than once.
A couple of "vets," just returning from
G. A. r. reunion, staged with me from .
railroad station to little town few miles
back, and both were loaded to the muzzle
with war stories. They fell to talking of
the difficulties there used to be in the army
to get anything liquid to float a jollifcstion
along. One told of the company of pickets
who traded coffee for apple-jack, which they
brought into camp in their gun-barrels.
| This reminded the other of the cavalry regi-
ment which got drunk in camp after return
ing from scouting trip which took in dis
tillery. Their canteens were inspected just
before entering camp, but they had ex-
pected this, and filed their scabbards in
stead. Then the first one said:
A Precious Bale of Hay.
'That's nothing to Jim Whilliger's little
trick. Jim was a cavalryman and had
very fine horse, but proyender was awful
| scarce Just then for some reason; all the
horses in the regiment were awful thin, and
there was no hay or oats in the God-forsaken
corner of the South where the regiment
was. Jim used to spend an hour or two q
| day pulling grass in weedy old field, all
| for his darling horse, so one day when he
asked his captain whether he couldn't order
q bale of hay from the North, from his
brother who was in the feed business, the
Captain said, of course"
fDown came the hay in q few days, e1-
press prepaid, and Jim took it into his own
hut and watched il as if it were pie; he
said he'd trust the boys with anything else
he owned, but he wasn't going to trust his
horses food to anybody. Next morning
Jim didn't answer to rollcall; neither did
his chum, who lived in the hut with him.
| The Orderly Sergeant went into the hut
| and shook 'em, but twas no go-they were
as drunk as tramps on election night: and
eaah lay buried in the hay, which had been
unbaled Jim sobered enough to feed his
| horse, but next morning he was drunk
again. Everybody wanted to know where
he got his liquor, so they could go and do
likewise, and when he wouldn't tell they
| got mad and began to spy on him. They
didn't find out, though. A ten-gallon keg
| of whisky was in the middle of that bale Of
hay"
iswell, what came of it sll?"
"Oh, the Captain ordered bale Just like
| it-for himself"
Some Very Mean Men.
Coming down the Central Road few days
| ago trio of family men, who saw coming
| events cast their shadows before, began to
| ask points of each other about Christmas
presents, and then the conversation turned
| upon men who are mean even In their pres
ent giving. One fellow told of the minister
J who was given a purse on Christmas on con-
dition that he should present the contents to
| the church debt fund. Another gave the
story of the man who gave his little boy =
| quarter Christmas night, stole it back be-
| fore morning and then spanked the young
| ster for losing the money. The third man
came out of brown study and said:
| sThat's nothin' to Bill Batch's little
| game. Bill was a sentimental cuss in his
| talk, an could look as big-eyed and melan-
| choly as a canal hoss when there amt no
| oats to be he'd, SO women thought he was
! lovely, an he married the finest gal in our
| township One of her folks left her some
money, an Bill run through fore she could
| buy as much as calico dress for herself
| After they'd been married year or two her
| father died and left her the farm, but Bill
! run through that, too. in the course of time,
| for he never done no work but write po'try
and hold up the bar of the saloon. One day his
1ife's birthday came round, an ther' want
much in the house to eat, an she was hackin'
her life out with cough that took her off a
spell later. Well, fore Bill slid out of the
house for the saloon he give one Of the
young uns letter to give to the mother, an
this was in it:
HIS Birthday Remembrance.
my DARLING wIFE-I congratulate you on
the return of your natal morn. May the sun
to-day forget to shine except upon YOU. and
may nature be one grand, exultant smile
over the sweetest specimen of her handi-
work As slight token of my affection I
present you 800; inclose 81 of it and will
"ToUR LOVING WILLIAM"
"wen I'll be blanked!'' exclaimed one Of
the listeners. "What did she buy with the
dollar"
'.Nothin'; Bill forgot to inclose it,
Hurrying toward the ferry one night,
after giving some recitations in Williams
burg, was stopped by small boy with
one dirty newspaper under his arm. For
once in my life L had chance to feel big,
for that boy was mere mite; as / looked at
him began to feel as suppose old Goliath
felt when he looked at David and before he
realized that boy with sling can do more
damage than an army with banners. The
child had legs like pipe stems, face like
dirty doll and fingers like the claws Of a
hawk.
''Mister," said he, waving his single
paper before me, "wot's the diff frence tween
you an me?"
AS 1 hadn't my guessing cap on, gaveit
up.
"Cause," said he, with another wave Of
the paper, and passing his hand along the
front Of my dress suit, "you're pooty well
stocked out in clothes an I'm pooty we'll
closed out o. stock"
So had to buy the paper.
Merrily yours,
MARSHALL p WILDER