Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1891-04-24
copyright by Edgar w. Nye.l

er with IMMUNITY as regards skating
do not know what handicap is, neither
do | care, Mr.. Weeks can wear such
clothes as he looks best in, but when il
comes to skating | take up the gauntlet
on behalf of Staten Island, the hotbed OF
athletic sports, where firemen are not
allowed sufficient beer money to make
an ordinary fire any object at all.
will accept the challenge to limited
extent only. am getting along in years
myself, but still read fine print, though
preferring editorials and display ads.
l am an American by birth, and remem-
Der very well the fight between Heenan
and Sayers; also Lydia L. Pinkham-was
kissed by her as a child. / can saw a
cord of wood in a given time, and look
forward to a pleasing immortality be-
yond the grave.
hereby agree to skate with Mr.. Weeks
from 500 to 800 miles in an easterly di-
rection, from any point he may select on
Long or Staten Island, with bare
knuckles to n finish. | also challenge
him or any other skater from 20 years of
age upward TO skate backward up the
rain water pipe of the Chicago Audi
forum for gate money and the cham
pionship of the world. l will also agree
to challenge Mr.. Weeks or any other
gentleman of his age to compete with
me in delineating on the ice four pages
of Sanscrit which / will select
l also challenge the world TO compete
with me in skating on the ice an orna-
mental poem from Browning, which |
shall select; also decorating margins of
same with fancy scroll work, turtle doves
engaged in trysting at springtide; also
eagle with Greco-Roman beak and
Spencerian pretzels in his tail feathers.
/ will also agree to skate on more parts
of myself at one and the same time than
any other man between the ages of 20
and IS years respectively.
will challenge any man of twice my
own weight and age to skate the score of
the opera of II Trovatore backward, to-
gether with scroll work and ornamental
swan at top, wearing doughnut wings
and beautiful full arm movement panta-
lettes.
For purse of &, 1000 and funeral ex-
penses / will agree to skate across Lake
Victoria Nyanza as soon as the ice shall
be suitable for that purpose. | also will
accept handicap of twenty rods for
each mile, or anything else that is not
too indigestible.
The following bona fde letter, with
the name SLIGHTLY suppressed, is giver
merely to show that good help can al
ways be had in America if one goes at it
in the right way. The right name is not
Earnest Pernambuco, but | do not wish
to use the real name, fearing that some
one else may seek to decoy my new
coachman from me before can get him
home:
NORWAY Herkimer co n Y mr. Bill Nye sec
in your Letter in the new york weekly world
and thinkin that you mite wish to employ a
hand to do some of your arents thaUt wood
apply before enyone elce had taken the job ]
wish to know II you wished TO imploy a man
that Is CD years old and an olde crippel but can
walk with out a cane Bein disabled IL one arme
can drive jentel horse il desired to but don't
know eny thing about the city of new york
tho have been thar for a few days / did not
get eny aquanted with the streats numbers
OF lots but think Good drive If the Lady new
WHARF she wood like to go wish to have good
bord and good logins this means a good bed TO
rest after days work don arents or driven
do you think can get place TO drive for a
Indy or do arents some say that | am good
lookin but don't wish to say eny thing on this
subject pleas II thar q chance in form me yours
with respects EARNEST PMsHAsBUco.
Pol should want $40 dollars a month Beside
bord and login and washin yours truly r. p
exkuse all bad spelin or ritcn
In me fancy | can see meself trying to
get from the Cortlandt street ferry to
Forty-second street station on three
wheels to catch train, with Earnest ON
the box and tamarack pole under the
axletree of the Off corner of our coach,
while / hold in my lap the dished and
disheveled nice red wheel which now
looks like countryman's character after
one session in the New York legislature.
Z Oh yes, Earnest, we can show you the
streets, but we cannot show you how to
sit up straight along West street or Full
ton street or lower Broadway and look
like an ice cream Joseph while the rum
noeed driver of a load of loud smelling
green hides and pelts peels the nice paint
off your carriage and curses you in low
discord cut tones. You could also run
mp "arents" for us, but you must get
yourself out of the Founding asylum,
and the dead letter office, and the Old
Woman's home if you get lost Icannot
agree to go in search of my beautiful
Earnest among the brothels and such
things which are the bane of our grow