Evening capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1888-1893, 1891-02-19
SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.
Amusing and Embarrassing Blunders
Caused by Accident or stupidity.

Amusing and Embarrassing Blunders
Caused by Accident or stupidity
81 never open my mouth but put my foot
in if" was the curious complaint Of some
unlucky wight, who might have received
consolation had he reflected on the number
Of offenders that daily keep him company
A writer in Chamber Journal tells ola num-
Der Of bulls as much amusing. The guards
mans remark 10 the English nobleman who
was in the habit Of affdbly cOnversing with
soldiers, II like you, my lord; there is moth
ing Of gentleman about yOu,r offers an eX-
ample Of the kind. "How many dedths;n
asked a hospital physician "Ninen why,
| ordered medicine for ten.n "Hes; but one
would not take IT. was the startling reply
"HllOl where are you going at this time Of
nightin said a gentleman 10 his servant.
you are after no good, I'll warrant"
Please sir, mistress sent me for you, sir"
was the response. A gentleman said 70 the
waiter Of his club: "Mchael if | should die,
would you attend my funeralf' willingly
sir" was the hasty answer. "Weu, Michael,
that isn't very complimentary" "No, sir,
didn't name that, sir; | wouldn't be seen
there, sir" was the walters cOnsOlatOry
reply.
A child may often be expected TO put his
phrase goes. For instance, youngster
one day begged an invitation 70 dinner at
the house Of friend with whom he had
been playing. At the table his hostess
anxiously inquired: " Charlie, can you cut
your own meatr "Humphn said the
yOungstCr, VINO was saving away, " can't
IL I've cut up quite as tough meat as this
at homer People who are destitute Of
tact might take warning from such juvenile
maaprops, but such does not often appear
to be the case judging by the numerous ex-
amples TO the contrary
millionaire railway king has a brother
who Is hard Of hearing, while he himself is
remarkable as having a very prominent
nose. Once the railway king dined at a
friends house when he sat between two
ladies', who talked 70 him very loudly,
rather 10 his annoyance, but he said moth
ing. Finally one Of them shouted com
monplace remark, and then said in an or
dinary tone TO the other: did you ever see
such nose in all your lifer Pardon me,
ladies' said the millionaire, "it's my
brother who is deaf" You can imagine
the horror OF the lady who INDUCED in
such personal remarks, yet she was no
more awkwardly placed than the hero OF
the following; When dining at a certain
castle n Mr.. Z, after the ladies retired,
remarked 10 gentleman present that the
lady who sat on his right was the uglicst
woman he had ever seen. al am sorry to
hear, said the gentleman, " that you think
that my wife is so ill-lookng." "Oh, no,
sir; | meant the lady who sat on my left; |
made "a mistake Well, SIR she is my sis
ter"
Abiding to newspapers, it may be re-
marked that advertisers and Impractical
writer's therein through ambiguity Of
words and phrases often commit absurdi-
ties that may be touched on as further il
lustrating our subject A country paper
once related how, during the celebration,
II child was run over wearing a short
dress, which never spoke afterward." In
the description OF the doings Of mad dog
il is said that "he bit u horse on the leg,
which has since died" An account Of
funeral says "The remains were committed
10 that bourne from which no traveller re-
turns attended by his friends"
1t is not surprising that foreigners some
times fail TO catch all the shades of mean
ing 10 our words. A Frencnman trans
lated Shakespeare's line, "Out brief can.
die" by Get out, you short candle" And
the expression, "Wth my sword | will
carve my way to fortune,n was rendered.
"With my sword l will make my fortune
cutting meat
Advertisers often give us amusing speci-
mems of composition, Of which this is an ex-
ample: Lost by a poor lad tied up in
brown paper with white string a German
hute with an overcOat on and several other
articles Of wearing apparel A miller at
tempted to testify to the merits OF pow
der for destroying vermin by saying: "a
fortnight ago was fun Of rats, and now
don't think | have one"
Examples more of the "bum genus also
come under the title Of this paper as cases
IN point. For instance, newspaper was
running serial story called "The Truth"
Ono week, SO much space being devoted To
other matters, the editor was unable to
continue the story, so made the following
announcement containing perhaps more
truth than any other item in the paper:
"The Truth was crowded out Of this issue
ON account OF the press Of more important
mattcrn
A bashful gentleman who visited a school
kept by young lady was asked by the
toacher TO say few words TO the pupils
This was his speech; SCHOLARS, hope
you will always love your school aud teacher
as much as | do a tabeau OF giggliug
pupils and Olushing teacher attestcd the
effectiveness of his words,
The lecturer put his foot in it as thorough
ly when he proiaced ms discourse upon the
rhinOceros with: " / must beg YOU 10 give
me your undivided attention, indeed, itls
absolutely impossible that you could form a
true ldoa OF the hidoous animal OF which we
are about TO speak, unless you keep your
oyos fixed on me- 4 certain preacher,
discourslug upon Bunyau and his works,
caused utter among his hearers by eN- |
claiming "ln these days, my bretheru |
we want more Bunyans.N Another clergy |
man, pleading earnestly with his parishlou- |
ers for the construction OF "a cemetery for /
their parish, asked them TO consider the |
" deplorable condition OF thirty thousand |
Christian Enghshmon living without Chris |
tian burial" Sul more curious was the |
clerical slip with which we conclude. A /
gentleman said 10 the minister: When DO 1
you expect 70 see Deacon $ --- again" /
- Never, said the reverend gentleman, sol (
emily the deacon Is m Heaven"