River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1891-10-08
JERRY'S BALD HEAD.
The Old Settler Tells of Sugar
Swamp's Strange Freak.
Red WHISPERS, an Equally Handsome
wig, Two Tame Crows and a Dis
favored Lover Woven Into a Pret-
ty Romance by the Major.

WIZ Two tEOWs ftis-
favored Lover Woven Into a Pret-
ty Romance by the Major.
AZ s'pose the baldheadede st man th't
ever lived, squire, were Jerry Bill
finger, of Sugar swamp" said the old
settler; IAN wat sot me to thinkin'
about him were them durn crows a-caw-
in an a-squawkin' down yender in
the woods. Eggs hain't often ketched
a wearin' much hair, but / wouldn't be
Altered TO bet farm, b'gosh, th't if
if anybody'd ha' shaved Jerry Bill
fingers head an then shaved an egg
he'd ha' scraped more hair often the
egg thin he would often Jerry's head!
He were uncommon bald, Jerry werew
wat knocked him baldheaded,
major?" asked the squire. Want he
wholesome in his 'arly days, or did he
marry widder?"
"Natur' were wat allied Jerry" said
the old settler. Jerry were born bald
an never got over it. He had jist ez
much hair wen he were ten minutes
old ez he did wen he were twenty year
old. mean ez 20 his head, fer curious
thing about Jerry Bilflinger were th't
though he didn't hev no hair on his
head, he begun TO sprout w'iskers fore
he'd cut his second teeth, and by the
time he were old enough to drop corn
he had baird longer'n a billy goats
1t was durn funny thing to see that
amazin' youngster plantin' corn, with
his head glistenin' in the sun like a
bran new baby's, N his w'iskers wav-
in in the wind ez if he were old enough
to be a regular Methusaler Wat made
the sight more s'rprisin' were th't them
w'iskers was ez red almost ez a turkey
gobbler's chops. They was SO red that
wen Jerry went to fetch the cattle
home from pastur, he had to kiver them
w'islSers up. fer the bull got his eyes on
'em wunst n chased Jerry clean acrost
the lot m up a tree, whar the sight o
the w'islSers worked on the bulls
feelin's so th't they say he'd ha' paved
the tree up by the roots n settled Jerry
n the w'iskers right thar an then if
some one hadn't kim along an reskied
'em.
"Wull, Jerry growed to be a man,
but he never got no hair on his head,
n his w'iskers seemed to git redder'n
tNNAs Dhb Ugly NhOAN "a hSHR VI lis
CLOWN baird, N he wouldn't swop it
fer the ch'icest head o. hair th't ever
growed. That's wat he said till he
begun to look around fer a wife. n sot
his mind on Prudence Petty, the bes'
lookin' gal on Biler's Run. Prudence
had little circumstance of her own
th't she was jist ez proud of ez Jerry
were of his w'iskers, n that were six
fingers on each hand. Jerry want
ptic'lar struck with them hands full o.
fingers, but were dead sot to tie to
Prudence in spite of 'em. So he begun
to shine around her, or tried to, but
she kinder nipped him, m didn't seem
to banker arter Jerry, though Jerry
had ben left one o the best clearin's
tn were IN Sugar Swamp wen his oil
pap died. So one night wen he were
up to see Prudence he thort he'd find
out jist w at the matter wus, n he
says:
"'Pru,' he says, WITS aim o. me th't
v don't seem to keer nothin' bout me?
Hain't got the lest clearin' in Sugar
swamp? says he.
~ reckon " hev, jerry says Pru-
dence; but tha's one thing y can't
raise on it. n that's sumpin' I'd like v
to hev p'ticlar if Jined y in running
that clearin',' says she.
81 kin raise anythin' on that clearin'
th't growsr says Jerry, gettin' little
huffy.
"'Well,' says Pru. if v kin raise this
th't I'd like " to raise says she, III
be willin' to hev y divide the clearin'
with me, says she. m mebbe be yer
wilder some day, says she, larfin the
aggervatinest kind.
Il kin do itr says Jerry. Watts the
CROP says he.
Its hair!' says Prudence, larfin'
more'n ever. If v kin raise crop o.
lair I'm yer huckleberryr says she
Watts the use o. me havin' all these
fingers o. mine says she, if I'm to
marry a man that hain't got no hair on
his head? They'll jist be wasted says
she, n she larfed so tibet Jerry broke
fer hum, m fer the fust time in his life
cussed his ill-luck cause them w'iskers
o. his'n want on top o. his head, Std
o. hangin' onter his chin. The more he
thunk of it the more he wanted 70 git
some hair. m so one day he went to
Lippy Conkright, the boss doctor, m
offered him twenty dollars N spring
shoat if he could conjur' up some way
to make hair grow on his bald conk.
Lippy know'd th't Jerry hadn't never
had no hair, m SO he shuck his head.
"'If we know'd whar to git some
hair roots says he. we mowt pillow up
yer scalp m set 'em out like cabbage
Il l. ~. Al
crop o hair. Thut's the unly way
know or says Lippy; but hair roots,
/ guess. is pooty sca'ce article to git
jist now,' says he. Il hain't heerd o.
none bein' on the market, hev your
says Lippy.
Jerry shook his head N looked
glum. Bimeby Lippy says;
"'Natur' has been 6urn tough on v,
Jerry says he. m if / was you I'd
beat natur' at her own game
Flows that says Jerry.
18th as setch things ez wigs, says
Lippy. Hadn't v never thort o. them?
says he.
. No. by gum says Jerry. L never
did, m they're the ticket N Jerry
went hum ez chirpy ez a cricket A
day or two arter that Jerry took trip
to the county seat, m the evenin' he
kim back he went up to Biler's Run
n dropped in for a call on Prudence
Petty.
"'How be ", Pru?' says Jerry. Witch
one % them twelve fingers o. your'n IL /
put the weddin' ring on?' says he.
ANY one of EN-, says Prudence,
'th't lock o. hair often your head III
make ring fer;' says she, larfin' in her
aggrevatin' way.
"'All right says Jerry. larfin' back
at her. Choose yer fingerr
Then Jerry took off his hat, n |
Prudence kim durn nigh tumblin' kerr /
PUNK ON the floor She grabbed the |
manteltree, m her eyes couldn't a
bulged out ferder if it had ben a /
growlin' m snappin' painter that stood /
afore her Poorly soon she got her 1
breath. n fallin' into cheer, she I
throw'd up her hands.
"'Wull. consarn you, Jerry Bill /
finger. II that don't jist dumswizzle 1
mel she hollered.
Fer thar stood Jerry, holdin' his hat I
in his hands n GRIMM like bar 1
eatin' honey. He want bald no more,
,ut had head o. hair th't kivered his 4
bare conk like an old hen kiverin' her
eggs.
"'Thar's the hair y been so durn