The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1891-03-01

will never take me at Won hundred wnen he
can get me seven y-sl1w
JAY GoULD's STORY.
jay Gould always has something witty or
humorous TO say.
"A rich and exacting man had a colore1
servant boy employed named Jim. This
Jim was expeced to be on hand all the
time. One fine morning Jim was absent
and his employer went to his old fathers
house and asked for the boy. The father
said:
Boss, you can't have Jim any moren
why, what is the matterl | Rill have
him.
ION, no. b2ss, you KANT hev jim"
swell, why can't l n
"Kase he's dead"
AN ENGLIsHMAN COULDN'T SEE IT.
Little Marshall P. Wilder, the famous
merrymaker. is perennial and has a humor-
Gus skit for every hour of the day This is
one Of his latest, illustrative Of an English
mans appreciation of humor
L have bssn Ia + gland and | have
studied English humor. It's flndame ntal
principles are not rel ited to the American
article that ases cyclone of laug ter. An
Eugl,Shnan was dining at a swell hotel out
west ard after ne finished his regular din
ner lie asked for sweets. A waiter from the
Bowe had gone west for employment aud
was waiting on the particular table at
which the Z 1glishman sat.
land phwat is sweets, SURF" asked the
waiter.
The Englishman finally explained that he
meant dessert, buildings. etc
''We ave apple and mince pie" said the
Bowery man.
''Gve me mince pie"
Whats der matter wild der apple pier
"a ya1 ho in ho ri I n
continental tone OF voice. Many heard the
remark and laughed.
An hour later. happened to meet the
Englishman, and he asked me If heard the
waiter ask him what was the matter with
the apple pie. said Yes Then the Eng
| lishman naively asked me:
swell, what was the matter with the
apple pieF"
WANTED GOLDEN SHOES.
Ex-Congres sman William Scott. the mil
liouaire, of Erie, Pa, has a great number
of fine horses and anything that pertains to
the equine race he appreciates, even when
| it is more or less of a facetious nature He
occasionally tells the following:
| IA gentleman wanted to borrow some
money from Mr.. Isaacs. The latter said,
rather Indignantly, that he did not lend
money unless ne had good security. Finally
the gentleman said he thought he could
| give security.
Whats" asked Isaacs.
ga horse"
''Bosh; the horse is worth nothing"
Eyes, it is. Why, my horss is seventeen
hands high, has diamond eyes, ruby ears,
| and silver NAME"
A Lorse of that great value, the gentle
| man though would be taken as security,
when Isaac put an end to the dtcker by
asking:
'Vell, mine frient, has dot horse got
golden shoes. tooF'
LEW WALLACE is FUNNY.
Gen. Lew Wallace, the author of "Ben
| Hur," and ex-minlster, was once asked if he
had seen Monsieur de Blowitz of Paris, the
correspondent of the London Times He
replied: 81 have heard him blow, but never
seen his wits. -
This is credited as one Of the generals
| Turkish jokes: There lived in Stamboul,
Turkey, a well-to-do Turk named Ismaii
Hassam. He did not have thu eloquence of
our ingalls, nor the Imagination of Rider
Haggard, but he was endowed with a ready
oriental wit that stood him we'll in hand
when he was in tignt place. A neighbor
called upon Ismail on day and wanted TO
borrow his donkey TO use an hour Ismail
| made low salaam and said:
''Neighbor, | am sorry, but my boy
started on the donkey an hour ago to Sou
tart. By now he is galy trotting over the
hills far from the sacred precincts of STAN
bouln
Just as Ismail finished his speech dom
keys loud bray was heard in the stable,
which was under the same roof as Istnail's
house. but Ia the rear The neighbor said:
''Ah. hear your donkey bray" r
Ismail protested that his neighbours ears
were deceived and that the noise was not a
donkey's bray. Then the donkey, which
was supposed to be jogging along toward
Scutart, brayed twice loudly. 1t was too
much and the neighbor cried:
sob, that is your donkey. Ismail; Allah
help me, can now borrow him."
Then Isnail said: (Which do you be-
lieve is lying, the donkey or meT'
The nsighbor had to give Ismail the benz
eft OF the doubt, and went away.
THE sAME-REvERsED.
Now and then Senator LELAND Stanford
tells joke and smiles YEARLY as If he al
most regretted it was so Humorous. Here is
an amusing skit of the variety order that
he occasionally relates: a.,
'One day l was riding in street car in
San Francisco, when | overheard CONVEX
sation between two men that struck me as
peculiarly funny. They may have been
comedians rehearsing. One of them said:
"Well, Bob, I've got job down town. u
"Yes? What doingp
Milking lather." ="
That's queer; I've got job up town in
a barber shop lathering micks."
DIDN'T WANT HER LOVE IN SECTIONS.
AS a rule, Chauncey M. Depew has new
stories at his finger ends each day. 1t is
almost impossible TO put in cold type the
humor of one Of his stories, for the chief
charm consists in his inimitable way of
telling them. Not long ago mature spin
ster called upon the famous after-dinner
speaker aud asked him TO give her some in
formation about real estate. He said there
were two things he knew nothing about,
and they were women and real estate. This
| reply amused her, and she asked him a
number of questions about people whom
they bo.h knew in common. After she
PROFOUND I'D the following questions about a
stammering bachelor she asked no more,
but went her way:
"Where is Mr.. Blank, Mr.. Depew"
HE is in the city," replied the only
Chauncey.
"Does he stammer as much as usualr'
sob, yes worse, believe, said the orator.
"Strauge he never married"
mo, it was not strange, dear lady. Blank
courted lovely girl. He told me about
his courtship several years after it occurred.
He proposed this way:
"D-d-d--dear a-an-angel, l-l-l-love your
''You need not proceed further, Mr.. Blank
do not care to be wooed on the INSTALL