davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
LAUGH I AND GROW FAT.
HUMOROUS PIcKINGs FROM
h MANY SOURCES.
Vacation Advice--lt Was Her Para
sol--Got There--All Explained
--Rapid Transit--Her Price
Zone Thing Left to
Vacation Advice.

It is always well to remember the
fact that savage COWS and fierce dogs
can t climb trees.
Don't waste your time in trying to
catch two-inch fish with ten-foot
pole.
You may imagine that you help the
lawmakers by jabbing the horses with
the pitchfork and getting tangled up
in the reins, but you do not, and
they will probably tell you SO.
Don't 60 out in the woods to fly a
kite-only the birds fly there.
II a strange dog smiles at you, it is
policy to smile back, and if he runs
at you, the best thing is to run back.
Don't climb trees after blackberries,
The only thing you will get on such a
quest is '1eft."
Don't try swimming in creeks where
the water is two feet deep and the
mud six feet. -., III
1t is adding insult to injury to burn
up the farmers fence in trying to cook
the corn that you have helped your
self to.
fyou get tired doing nothing, it is
good thing to sit under the barn and
pass the time in waiting for the wealth
er-cock to crow. A great many days
may be employed in this manner.
When you 60 out for All all-day
tramp don't eat up all your lunch at
ten o'clock. You will feel starved by
two if you do so.
Do not be angry if the roosters
awaken you at daybreak Remember
that If you went to bed at sunset you
would be willing to get up with the
chickens, and BOOSTERS can't stop to
consider such things.
Ii a goose crys at you, do not cry
yourself in turn. Only geese dc that.
Don't try leap-frog over the COWS in
the pasture. The COWS might object.
A barn roof is not meant as a to.
boggan slide, and shingles are rather
hard on the trousers.-Harper Young
People.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
SING A SONG OF SUMMER.

Oh, listen-it is comingl
Don't you see the children running?
Don't you hear the gentle humming
Of the bees
In the trees
In the meadows, on the ieas?
1t is comiug-lovely June time
With its golden, radiant noon time
And its paradise of bloom time;
Coming soon
Perfect June
Even now we hear it's tune!
Starry daisies, crimson roses,
Banks OF moss wherein reposes
Violet, queen of woodland posies.
These will come
When the sun -
just few more rounds has run!
Bluebirds, bobolinks and thrusles
Sweet will break the woods deep bushes
When the east with morning flushes
On the hills
And the rils- ST.
AL the air with music thrills.
Buffalo Express.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20

The chances are that the Chicago
board Of trade will soon give up the
fight on the bucket shops. The
latter have SO far baff1ed every move.
ment OF their antagonists.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
A Quick Rejoinder.

In a crowded American tavern a
Judge and an Irishman were obliged
to occupy the same room.
"Now, Pat, said, the Judge, "vou
would have had to stay a long ime
in Ireland before you would have s.ept.
with a judge"
"Ay, ay, SIR" answered Pat, "an"
your honor would have to stay long
time in Ireland afore you'd been a.
Judge"
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
The English of 1t.

Young Reporter storm king.
hurled his torn and tumbling torrents.
over the ruins Of the broken and dis
membered edifce.
Old Editor-What's that? What do
you mean, young fellow?
Young Reporter-I er-er-the flood
washed away Patrick A1cDougal's old,
soap factory.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
Solving the Difficulty.

"Why, what hour is this to be com
ing to bed, Mary?" her mother cried
out as she tried to sneak past her
door.
Well, George said good night four.
hours ago, and then I said good
night Then he told me he wouldn't.
let any woman have the last word.
and | wouldn't let him have the last.
word; and SO we kept it up"
"Well, how did it end?"
eve both simply said 'good-morn-
ing.''
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
1t Was Her Parasol.

A woman went into a dry goods
store on Woodward avenue the other
day, and going up to the proprietor,
spread out her hands, palms up.
"See those G loves?''
eyes madam"
II bought them here. Paid full
price for best kid, and-look at'em."
"Yes'm, see-full of holes.'
Looks as if I'd been scrubbing the
sidewalk with 'em.''
THAT right hand glove does look
that way" IL,
'4But they are mates. Now de-
mand a new pair. It's a shame to
take good money for such gloves as
these" -
"Let me see your parasol," said the
merchant; cline handle that, cut in
grooves, works like a file. Pm only
surprised, madam, that it did not
cut right through to the skin. AS long
as.you carry that parasol you sh ou1d;
buy your gloves at a blacksmith's.
Call again, please" Detroit Free
Press.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
DOCtOring the Landlord,

- The 25th June, rent day. -
Landlord calls on young doctor for
his rent. Good morning, DOCTOR"
Doctor: Good morning, sir: You're,
looking very i'll; put out your tongue"
Landlord puts out his tongue. Doc
tor sees the landlords tongue, gives him.
aperscription, and sends him home not.
to leave the house for a week or two
He departs peacefully for bed, minus.
the rent.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
What a Fool.

Jinks: "That fellow Sillipate is the.
most inexcusable fool I ever saw
Wink: "Wh at has hebeen doing to:
you?" '..-..
Jinks: A few days ago someone in
.vlted him to dinner at our boarding.
house. Well, sir, that idiot just
praised every dish on the table, and
comp]imented the ]andlady on her
cooking until sheraised her terms two.
pounds week."
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
One on the LAWYER.

An old man was on the witness
stand and was being cross examined
by the lawyer. Fl IL 49,
"You say you are doctor, sir?'&
eyes, sir; yes, SIR" .sl->..s
"What kind of doctor?" .-.<
III make intments, sir. I make int.
ments"
"What's your ointment good for?"
cts good to rub on the head to
strengthen the mind"
"What effect would it have if you
were to rub some of it on my head?''
'None at all, sir; none at all. We
must have something to start WITH"
Gainesville Eagle.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
Rapid Transit.

The following dialogue took place
between two old colored folks on the
street:
"Atlanta's got rapid transit now,
sure.
"What do you mean-the dummy
kyars?n
No, ] doesn't mean no dummy"
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
The Ruling Passion.

Husband crushing into the room)-
Come out quickly. .
Wife-What's the matter?
'The house is on fire, and we shaln
be burned to death if we hesitate a
moment. Run, run for your life"
eyes, I'll come in a minute; I must;
tidy up the room q little, so that it.
will look decent when the fremen get
here" .-..
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
All Explained.

Paterfamilias (solemnly) Wis that
young man OF yours lunatic or a
fool?
Fair Daughter (starting) What do
you mean, papa?
Paterfamilias-I was an unwilling
listener to his talk last evening. It
ran somethinghke this: Laura, I love
you with q lingering, longing love that
laughs at locksmiths. You are the
bright beacon that bids my beating
heart burst with bliss You
Fair Daughter (proudly That's
only the force OF habit, papa. Charles
is headline writer for the Boomville
Bugle. -Pittsburg Bulletin. 8.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20

1'You mus betalkin' bout de lee
trio line, den!"
No, I ism neither"
'fNell, gives it up, what you talk
ing 'bout?'
I'm talkin' bout dat patrol wag-
gin case it takes you furder in ten
minutes dan you'll get back from in
SIX months. Yankee Blade.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20

Do you marvel that the parish was
in q ferment? Here, in sooth, was a
nice state Of things. The dead came
to life and, worse than that, 80 the
gossips said, nobody murdered them
after gill Things were coming to q
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20

@-. l-.....-s Got There
Editor-That young Mr.. Colgrad we
took on as reporter is going to make.
a hustler
Assistant-Has he distinguished
himself already?
Editor sent him out to get inter.
views with some Indians; he couldn't
find any, but he brought in q mighty
interesting talk with a feather-duster
nan.-Lake Shore News.
One Thing Left to DO.
He: "Then you reject me?"
She: 'Tm sorry, very sorry, but T
must
He: desperately 'Then there's only
one thing leftfor me to do--that s all. y
shelanxiously) ''Oh, what do you
intend to do9''
lie: Propose somebody else y
What 1t Meant.
Wife: 'sWhat does it mean in this
paper when it says that the Young
German Emperor expects a call to
arms!
Husband: q call to arms! I SUP.
pose it means lie expects his wife to-
say, Wilhelm, take the baby
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20
Johnny's Argument.


Johnny's mother went out whentfe.
table was set for tea, leaving him
alone in the room, and saying that,
she would only be gone five min
utes. She staid nearly half an hour
instead, and when she returned she
at once noticed a deficiency in the
preserves.
, Johnny" she said solemnly, "you
have been at the preserves
HAS it shrunk?" asked Johnny,
anxiously.
eyes it has. There was twice as
much there when I went out as there
is now"
eyes, but you were gone twice as
long as you expected to be- was the
cllnchlng argument of the young,
hopeful. Free Press.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1891-08-20

".
As time went On and five years had
passed since the death of Reece Ne
vile, people had almostiorgotten the
murder and the flight, and only to
strangers, who commented upon the
deserted appearance of the hall, was
the strange tale told. The lassies of
the village ceased to dream of the
tedious shape that had lain so cold
and still on that doomful morn, and
nervous matrons no longer feared
to unearth the vanished corpse of
the squire in their own garden plots.
Then, on sudden, the parish was
all agog. Old Dame Jean Mario was
dead and she had made a dying
declaration, in due form, before the
magistrate. The hideous old WON
an, on her dealt -bed, impiously
and with horrid glee revealed that
20 years before she had murdered
her own husband. He had, as she
told the story, been absent from
home working in the mines, and one
night secretly returned and, by vio-
lence and threats, endeavored to ex-
tort her hoardings from her. En-
ragged by her refusal to comply with
his demands, he had sprung upon
her. Moved Transportation and the
spirit of self defense, she had seized a
hatchet lying upon the table and
struck at him with oil her might.
The keen edge of the weapon cleft his
skull and he fell back dead. Then
she dragged the grisly thing to the
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
l. 3 RINGOLD, Mt. ster'ing Ky.

faster than the regulation track, but
the claim that the Turf, Field and
Farm sets up, that it is several sec
onds faster is absurd in the extreme.
Directs miles over the two kinds of
tracks can be taken as a pretty fair
criterion to go by. His best mile
over the kite track was 2 :06, and OH
an oval track he went in 2 :064. The
Turf has been making great stir
about the records gained on the track
at Independence, but it is dollars to
cents that it will make no such fuss
about the records gained on tire kite
track just opened at Stockton, Cal,
for the simple reason that Senator
Stanford's stock and Robert Bonner's
mare, Sunol, are in training OH that
track Horse World.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10

Brazil has more trouble on her
hands. 1t seems to be on the eve OF
another revolution. General Fonseca,
the President elected by Congress
xt1er the downfall of Dom Pedro, does
sl9Mant to give up the power thus
Ethferred on him. For some time
\, Ast differences have been known to
exist between him and Congress,
mainly, it is said, on financial ques-
tons and pretty free use of the veto.
The breach widened till at last bill
was passed, taking away the veto
power from him. Upon this Fonseca
pr[mIty dissolved the legislative
BODY end declared martial law
throughout the republic. Reports re-
ceived up to this writing indicate that
things are not in the most pleasant
statt in the new republic. All news
,laRlper articles and dispatches are sub
ject to censorship, so that it is diff
cult to oh >in an exact account of the
situar
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10

Among other things settled by the
late elections is that the secret ballot
mas come to stay wherever adopted.
1t has given eminent satisfaction in
! all places where it has been tried.
Mmingly it relegates to the rear the
ariger-on, the ticket distributor and
n iegion of ward-bummers who
ave so long freely bled candidates.
Whether the ticket was long or short,
the secret ballot has been equally a
thing of pleasure, since it gives the
voter the opportunity to vote as he de-
sires, unmolested by the impudence or
the bullying of the professional cleo
ton striker. 1t promises to make
elections much fairer and cleaner
than they have been of late, and prob
ably few will object to its workings
sskave the turbulent hummer and the
professional hanger-on.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
THE ELECTIONS.

A summary of the election results
received show the following returns I:
Pennsylvania goes Republican by a
phjority of over $4,000.
SOhio elects Mckinley and the en-
tire Republican ticket by majority
of over 10000, and the Legislature is
Republican by 80 or 60 votes on joint
ballot.
In Iowa the entire state ticket is
elected by the Democrats, but the
Republicans get the Legislature by
- OF two votes.
New York gives Flower, Democrat,
PLURALITY of over $4,000, but the
Legislature is in doubt.
Massachusetts elects Russell, Demo-
crat, for Governor, by majority of
5000 or 5000, and both parties poll
ing their full strength.
New Jersey is safe for the Demo-
Gratis by good majority.
= Maryland, Virginia and Mississippi
are all safe in the Democratic fold
with big majorities. Colorado, Mich
igan, South Dakota and Nebraska are
as safely Republican.
In Kansas the Republicans and
Democrats generally united to defeat
hhe Third Party, and as consequence
it was effectually showed under al
most everywhere in the State.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
Iost everywhere in the State.

Mr.. Mckinley is now Governor
elect of Ohio, but he objects to fur
Their discussion of the tariff issue.
Maj. Mckinley is an astute politician
.a2.f'iGpderstands fully that if he is to
Ia candidate for President next
1Seear he cannot afford to have that is
sue made too prominent in the cam
paigh. Billy need not trouble him
self. 1t took too much Doodle to Sc
cure to him his plurality of 10000 in
Ohio for the Republican bosses to risk
hiH before the people of the whole
co3ntry. Blaine or HARRISON will rep
resent the g. o. p. next year.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
CLAYTON HOWELL.
for Sale!

III acres Of iirst-clsss Blue Grass land, stu
from North Middletown, and nine miles rom
Mt Sterling, for sale. About three fOurths. of it
is well thberCi. 1t has ON it Il good, comfort
able dwelling and good tenant house and two to
bacco barns that will hold from eight to ten
acres.
IS acres OF good Blue Grass land, 20 miles
from North Mddletown, and 90 miles from Mt.
Sterling, on the Paris pike. A No. stock barn.
good No. outbuildngs. Comfortable dwelling,
two good orchards, well watered, fencing, etc.
Both farms in good neighborhood, and close
to churches and school houses.
viii sell on reasonable terms Address or
apply to
j. W. MCCLURE,
l3-tf Winchester, KY
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
ledger" office, New York,

! Sept. 26, 81.
tRetsof Rock Lump Salt gives entire
satisfaction. 1t is the purest lump
salt l have ever used, and no stock
farm should be without it. ROBERT
BONNER. Mr. Bonner is owner of
Maud S., 2 :0S4; Rarus, 2 :1S8 ; Dexter,
2dna; and sunol' 2 o9.
swh;s salt is sold only by Chiles &
Ihfompson.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
FOR SALE!

FIFTY-SEVEN acres of good land,
four miles from Winchester, on good
turnpike road, in an excellent neigh
borhood, convenient to churches and
schools. Comfortable house, small
stable, good orchard, one-third of the
farm good tobacco land, the balance
suitable for grain and grazing.
TWENTY-NINE acres adjacent to
the above, twO-thirds of which is good
tobacco land and in grass; the re-
mainder suitable for cultivation.
LIBERAL payments will be given
on either tract.
WE also have for sale number of
residence lots situated around the new
Kentucky Wesleyan College grounds.
New streets, electric lights and water.
Prices range from $500 to $3.50 per lot.
For further information call at this
office or address us at Winchester, Ky.
T. G. STUART & Co.
Real Estate Ag'ts.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
THERE is NO MISTAKE ABOUT It'll

We have the boot the market assertion
but honestly believe that there
ton of the country good COAX COARSE-FINE
BOOTS There hundreds customers who have bought
them that believe the same way you haven't tried
chance. Come and examine them.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10

MEM - Will buy choice of different colors
~ M IA wool kerey Ovecoats-every a GEM
% have made special effort place these
XIV market at that and you will find excl
A ~~ lent values There in the entire
you can buy elsewhere for less than from ST. to S.
We have searched the markets find such
and are satisfied that will be pleased with the quality,
DO not be led of by false gods No doubt
will advertise just good for $o5 $685.
L
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10

l3-tf
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
PUBLIC SALE
o T.
ShOrthOrn Cattle. Jacks, JGHnGtS, Etc

OK MONDAY, NOV. 10th, (Coun-
ty Cour day), L will sell at public
auction in Mt. Sterling, about s head
of Shorthorns, including two nice
young buIls-all Rose Of Sharons-
and as highly bred as any of that cele-
brated family: also one yearling Jack
and about four Jenncts.
This sale is made to close partner
ship and is positive.
Gi AYTON HOWEI
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10

Sweet mixed pickle in barrels at
BARNES.
The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1891-11-10
PUBLIC SALE
OF
STOCK CROP TOOLS &c.
VIII sell at public auction, on
TUESDAY, DECEMBER /, 1891,

VIII sell at public auction, ON
TUESDAY, DECEMBER !, 1891,
at my residence, three miles east of Winchester,
at Ecton Station, X. L. r. r. my surplus stock,
crops and farming implements, consisting of
about 10000 pounds of extra fine, bright Burnley
tobacco; 247l2 tons, by actual measurement, Of
bright timothy hay; 1875 tons nice straw; 600
shocks of corn in field; 81 yearling steers; year
ling heifers; yearling bulls: calves; mich
cows; pair 4-ycar-Old mare mules, IA, hands
high; pair 5-year-old mare mules, 10 hands
high; pair aged mules, 1917 hands high; pair
bined gelding; extra saddle horse years old;
| extra harness horse, years Old; shoats, sows
and pigs; buggies and one rOckaway; spring
new Buckeye mower foot cut: new combined
Buckeye reaper and mower; Mccormick mower
McSherry wheat drills . farm wagons: | Ran
dan harrow; 4 harrow; Giant tobacco screw;
} hay rakes; steel scrapers: carload Of Irish
potatoes; 200 bushels apples, different varieties;
200 bushels charcoal, and many other things too
tedious to mention.
Spectators purhasng hay or straw in quanti-
ties, can bale and ship on cars from EctOn sta
ton on the farm.
TERMS-All sums under twenty dOllars, cash;
of that sum or over, credit viii be given until
March LIST, 1892, without interest. Negotiable
notes, pryable at Citizens National hank, of
Winchester. KY, will be required before removal
of property.
Feed lots furnished until March LIST TO pur-
chasers of largest quantities Of corn, hay straw
sale to begiH at a. m. sharp.
c. B. ECTON.
II Ramsay Auc
The weekly tribune. [volume] (Great Falls, Mont.) 1891-1894, 1891-06-06
Drowned i'm the Missouri.

Alexander, the 6 year-old son of Ma
poleon Fontaine, while playing on the
boom in front of Ira Myers sawmill with
some other boys about half past five
Tuesday afternoon, fell into the river and
was drowned. A number of men in the
vicinity, who were attracted by the cries
of the other children, ran to the scene
of the disaster, but it was too
late to rescue the poor boy.
They procured long poles and graphing
irons and dredged the river in the vicin-
ity of the drowning for several hours in
tie vain attempt to the body,
but their efforts were fruitless. The
current is so strong that the body was
no doubt carried quite IA distance down
stream before coming to the surface.
With the hope that the body can yet be
found the bay will be dredged pretty ex-
tensively today.
The weekly tribune. [volume] (Great Falls, Mont.) 1891-1894, 1891-06-06

OF Interest from the Booming Camp
of the Belt Mountains.
Hpra1d-

j. X. Clark, the live real estate man Of
Great Falls, came in last Sunday to view
changes in Neihart. He evinced sur
prise at the prospect and says that re-
ports about the mines are not overdrawn.
C. ID. Mcclure and Paul A. Fusz, of
Granite. and DIR. j. NJ. Merrill of Oakland,
Cal, with Il. q. Maclay,. Great Fails,
were here this week investing and plan
ming for the further development OF Ger
tain mines.
James Moore and Dan McNiel have
begun grading on their new contract ON
the White Sulphur Spring road. The
contract is for the completion Of the
road to the county seat and is taken at
$1,000.
The Cornucopia mine, now partially
! owned by the Granite Mountain com
pany will receive 100000 worth of de-
velopment work this summer Their
steam pumps arrived Tuesday, and were
at once placed in position for work.
This mine will prove Il very heavy
yielder.
Water power for the Moulton is the
next thing on the docket. Since Mr..
Raymond's return from the east the
course of the main pipes has been select
ed and the contract for laying the same
will he Jeff at once. The creek will be
emf about three miles above town for the
water supply, which will be brought
down in an lS-inch pipe laid three feet
deed in the ground. The fall for this
distance will be several hundred feet and
the supply will be continuous. Work on
the ditch has been commenced,
The railroad has commenced clearing
the right-of-wa below town n IN
places changes are being made IN the
wagon road. All that is now wanting is
more men to hurry the road to compile
ton.
The weekly tribune. [volume] (Great Falls, Mont.) 1891-1894, 1891-06-06
Wedding Bells.

Robert G.. Bissett and Miss Alice Wei
Ter were married at the Methodist parson-
age Wednesday by Rev. w. b. Coombe'
Mr.. Bissett is well known in this city,
having conducted a restaurant business
very successfully, and has the best
wishes of a host of friends.
Henry Prentiss, Jr., and Miss Louisa
Flick, both of this city. were united in
the holy bonds of matrimony last night
by Rev. w. b. Coombe of the Methodist
church. Mr.. Prentiss, formerly of Bos.
ton, has been in this city for some time
filling a responsible position in the en-
ploy Of the Boston a. Montana company,
and has a large number of friends. The
TRIBUNE unites with all who know the
popular young man in wishing him and
his bride a happy married life.