The Helena independent. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1875-1943, 1891-11-20
WHEN SHALL WE THREE

WHEN SHALL WE THREE -
or the great and comprehensive genul
American there are two distinct ant
separate types that tickle the ribs o
the waggish foreigner. That the indi
viduals who compose these two classes
are as rare as they are unfortunately
conspicuous, the American people has
reason to feel grateful. So has the for
eigner every day of his life. Elise might
it be his unhappy fate to perish of un-
due excitement Of the risible muscles,
and we might feel 1t incumbent upon us
to sneak the national flag under our
coat, retire to some forgotten nook of
the earth's surface, and there lay the
foundations OF a new American republic.
These unfortunate freaks are not Of cur
aristocracy of labor. Their lack of com
mon horse sense deoisively forbids the
slpposition. Nor are they Of the aris-
tocracy of intellect. The sum total of
their united brains would not entitle
one Of them to a nomination for village
constable on the peoples ticket in Kan
sas itself. Rather are they Of those
whom Lowell aptly termed our kakis-
tooracy, our snobocracy, whose heads
have been added by the accident Of po-
sition or inherited wealth.
Type number n is to be met with
both at home and on the continent of
Europe. Often be is an Englishman,
sometimes he is a Frenchman, occasion
ally a German; but an American never.
An unfortunate conjunction of events,
over which he had and could have no
control, may have brought him into
being on this side of the Atlantic, but
his subsequent behavior frees him from
all suspicion OF soomplicity in the deed.
If he is an Englishman, he is to be rec
o2nized by his loud checks, his
trousers turned up at the ankles, his
employment of a watery dilution OF
Cockney slang, and by a general aping
of all the petty vices and mono Of the
virtues of the English character. IT his
desires are towards fair France, this
creature, born an American, is equally
recognizable. Paris he has never heard Of.
Paree he has frequently visited; it is, in
fact, his home. He bestows a world of
attention upon a ragged imperial that
bedraggles his irresolute chin, and
always carries in his breast pocket some
French journal with the title we'll in
view. Others there are of the same
kidney, poor, weak, piping things, whose
petty intellects have not the power to
grasp the glorious privileges that the
birth Of every American citizen c%onfers
upon him. To us they are we'll lost.
The second type Of freak dances on
the other end of the see-saw. He is
nothing if not American, Extensively, OBJ
trusive1y American. He is patriotism
run mad. Is the earth we'll made?
The designs must have been those of an
American. Is the solar system running
smoothly? There is an American in
charge. Did you ever hear the music
of the spheres? They are playing "1he
tar-Spangled Banner" from early morn
till dewy eve. Heaven will hereafter be
run on the American plan, and the
other place might in the interests of
economy and effective radiation be
handed over to the great American
plumber. Everything that is American
is eternally and universally appropriate.
Too much .Americanese the earth can
not have. A New Jersey militia general
goes to Scotland to take unto himself a
wife, and the Grub and his attendants
blossom out at the ceremony into
gorgeous butterflies Of the New Jersey
militia pattern, The purple emperor is
nowhere. An Indiana governor HES
himself to Mexico, not on public affairs,
but solely as a private individual. His
staff electrify the natives on the streets
with the gaudy glory Of their uniforms,
and resident Americans swear, not loud,
but deep. In favor Of the latter class of
freaks there is but one thing to be said.
Their restoration to sanity is not en-
tirely a hopeless matter--with the others
it is.