River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1891-06-04
QUEER THINGS IN coFFlNs.
That Make Even the Under
takers Laugh.


takers Laugh
what is the last curious thing you
have met in your lugubrious business?"
asked a reporter of an undertaken the
other day.
The undertaken opened the lid of
coffin near his elbow, and replied: DO
you see that satin lining?"
Yes. What's odd about that?"
yellow"
yellow is a common enough color"
Not for coffin Innings. my boy.
They're generally white. But this cof-
fin was made for woman whose main
ambition in life was to look well, and
her last dying request was that her cof-
fin be lined with old gold satin, as that
color best set off her complexion. which
was rather sallow and dark. Promise
me, she said. i don't want all those
women to come in and see me in my
coffin looking like a fright So they
promised, and she died contented.
only a woman would bother her
head with such thoughts on her dying
bed, moralized the reporter.
I'm not so sure of that" said the un-
dertaker. ~ once buried an old chap,
a saloon-keeper, whose income while he
lived was unevenly divided between the
support of his family and the decoration
of his person. The family got the
smaller half. He wore the most ex-
pensive clothes at all times, and the
glitter of Al diamonds from his shirt
front, necktie, watch-guard. and his big,
red chubby hands, actually dazzled the
beholder. Well, when his time came,
he had very little property but his jew
els to leave behind him, but he made "a
will bequeathing the little he had to his
wife, on condition that she dressed his
body in his best suit of clothes, decked
it with all his diamonds and buried
them, every one, with him. Otherwise
his whole estate, including the dia-
monds, was TO go TO charity
THE poor woman declared she would
obey his every wish, but it was with
heavy heart that she brought out the
suit ! was to dress the corpse in. 1t
was of the loudest, biggest, most glar-
ing plaid you ever saw; enough to
brighten Old Nick himself away. The
shirt was all covered over with a pat
tern composed of purple ballet dancers
and scarlet bulldogs, and these, with
his big diamonds glittering all over
him, made a startling sight for the
mourners who looked into into his
coffin. Many were the lamentations
that the poor widow should be Obliged
to bury all those diamonds, and much
admiration was expressed for the wife
ly devotion which kept her from muir
muring.
''But the widow was no fool. She
buried the jewels sure enough. but
hardly was the grave filled up before
she ordered the sexton to empty it
again. The coffin was opened and the
widow took the diamonds from the old
curmudgeon's shirt-front with her own
hand. Then they buried him second
time.
II heard of another strange case"
continued the undertaken. (which,
though it did not come under my own
observation, yet believe to be true. 1t
was that of man who always had
horror of being buried alive. He left
provision in his will that big bottle of
chloroform was to be put in the coffin
with him. 1t was to be laid by his side,
and tack-hammer was to be put in his
hand, so that if he came to life under
ground he could smash the bottle at
blow and fill the coffin with fumes that
would kill him instantly and painless
ly"-N Y Tribune