Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1891-09-05

| fated to drink even unto the dregs, and vet
how few are they, seeing only the surface who
know OF the secret misery which feeds upon
my very life. know that have great cause
| for thankfulness, for health. for enough to sus-
tain life. for which thousands of poor wretches
pray In vain, and vet such is nv organization,
my temperament and the combination of cir
cumstances which have thus far given color
TO NV life that though naturally Of cheerful
disposition, In looking over the record of ten
wears, written everywhere / find trouble
disappointment. misery. Not one ray of
happiness beams upon me from the past
This Is, perhaps, the first time that
have given utterance to these feelings SO plainly
Ii is wrong, perhaps. but tonight 1 cannot help
it Ii Is not the petulance of boyhood nor the
stu more unreasonable egotism of the man
trying to shift the burden of his own faults
sins OF omissions to other shoulders. It is not
this l am too much in earnest. NV life hith-
erto has been complete refutation of
such a supposi,ion. L have tried to act
right; have Stunned dissipation of every
kind as unworthy of one who looks ear
nestly at life and its duties; have denied
myself all pleasures, feeling that as long as
my parents. whose best DAYS were devoted to
their children. were compelled to toll, had no
night to seek simply my own pleasures; have
worked, toiied, suffered, right in the midst Of
plenty; rs God is my witness have gone
lO-s without food that, in the solitude of my
own room, have almost choked myself i'll the
extremity OF my agony. lhave walked the
streets night alter night through the long
winter; slept upon the hard boards with no
covering at all; this that 1 might succeed in
that which is In every way worthy. All this
have l endured, not once, but for long months
years even, rather than do aught that was I'M
worthy of myself. And what better am to-
day! What have / received for it? Scorn from
those whom fortune favored; kicks from those
who think a man desires and demeanor should
be graded by the food he eats, the clothes he
wears, and, when fortune seemed to smile
upon me. to relax my resolution long enough
TO hive like human being for few days until
1 cursed myself with paltry debt, which was
unexpectedly ,debsrred from paying imme-
dlately; with what hearty good will was I
cursed: not one to say to me that had their sym
pathy; no, forsooth, because all did not under
stand me; because my affairs were not patent
TO their eyes rs the MONDAY sun all condemned.
Let some one who knows human nature so
well, WHO judges so unswervingly, who pirates
80 learnedly of the happiness Of success, let
such one sacrifice everything for some great
purpose. commit no wrong, and receive in re-
turn such treatment as / have borne, and see
how quickly it will destroy ali philosophers.
Then viii they understand my feelings and &C.
count for their existence in the mind of the old
Dian OF twenty-five. l liken my fortune to
that of u traveller, led or forced on by some in
visible power, who tolls along q rough path
beset with almost insurmountable diff
eulties; who anon sees on either side of him
branching on III every direction beautiful roads
leading TO most attractive spots, which give
promise OF repOse. but at every succeeding at
tempt TO exchange the one for the other is buff
feted back into the old track to toll on. saluted
at every step by the jeers of all. who, seeing
only the traveller. know nothing of the influence
which surrounds him
A MONUMENT TO HIS MEMORY.
us it any wonder. after having taken even
this little glimpse of the hero whose memory l
love- continued Mr.. Brownell, chat say as
do. that | hope to live to see the day when his
monument shall be raised on high. and another
erected TO the memory of his Chicago zouaves
to be unveiled either in Chicago or in the ma
tional capital or in both cities. 1 lived near
where he was born. / know his life. have
known his empty hearted. empty-handed. al
most homeless parents / was with him when,
IN the providence OF God, he was taken from
earth L believe that his death was
the accomplishment of his mission,
and that his mission was an inspired
one After the grief of losing him l settled
down to the conviction which has grown into
an article OF faith, that the tragedy and sacri-
nee at that time were as necessary part of the
great plan of omnipotency as was the sudden
decease of Lincoln. who loved him, at the close
OF the almost internecine struggle. All these
things recognize as facts and factors in uni
versal plan beyond the possibility of human in
telllSence to fathom. for every man is the in
tel!iSent artificel OF q work which is not his
own.
DO you wonder now that I am SO earnest,
so sincere, day and night, in my thoughts for
the perpetuation of the memory of one 30
great and yet SO humble and unpretentious?
see that You are in sympathy with me; that
you have. after all these years. become ac-
quainted with that old man Of twenty-five
and that his diary has been as potent in its
eloquent appeal to you as it is to ME.
Through those leaves Ellsworth, though dead.
Vet speaketh. l hope that your sympathy and
encouragement will aid in the accomplishment
OF the day dream Of my life, the object of my
constant prayer and solicitude. / believe that
when the people know even thus much of him
a. he was they will build a monument which
will endure for ever