The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1891-06-26

day. Was nothing saved
replied Johnny. "AIl of paws Old
clothes were burned up in that hrs, ana
NAV can't make any of them over FOR
me this time. I'm all right"-TrOy
Press.
WISE FORETHOUGHT.
Millie-I don't mind marrying you,
Clarence, but hate the idea OF giving
up my $l5-a-week lob at the store.
Clarence-Then don't give 1t Up, dear
est, I'll give up mine. I'm getting only
$l0,-ChicGgo ITtGH4e,
THE WORM TURNS.
"What is this bill for?
"Storage."
81 have had no goods stored with you
or any one else"
eyes, you have. You've been throw
ing your empty bottles and tin cans III
to that vacant lot OF mine next your
house for tho past five years. leu dol
lars, please. "-EpOoh.
UNUTTER ABLY WEARY.
Madge-Jack, do you really, really
10 We ne?
Jack-Madge, you are tho only wO-
man that have ever low
Madge-Jack, I've boon to Newport
for three seasons and / would sooner
lose your love than have that measly,
moufdy, mildewed chestnut rung in on
me again.-NeW York Herald.
A DELIGHTFUL THING TO CONTEMPLATE.
81 don't think papa cares much for
you, Fred" she whispered, softly.
"That's all right" he replied, "fore-
warned is forearmed. you know"
"WOuldn't it be nica," she continued
i'm a much lower whisper, "if you were
really four armed?'-EpOch.
SHE KNEW.
"If marriage is a failure" said Binks,
"what on earth is an engagement
"Only II temporary embarrassment"
said Maude.
IN FASHION AND CANT HELP 1T.
this season." said the tailor, displaying
his goods.
the poet, sadly.
NOT NECESSARY.
Jones was catechisi ny his newly mar
ried friend. "Did you kneel down when
you propOsed?" he asked.
"No," replied the friend.
"Did you promise to give her all your
money every week aud TO Do nome
every night at dinner?
"No," answered the friend, 81 mar
ried a widow.'--NeO York Recorder.
SOLVED All LAST.
"Weu," said Wooden, "I don't see
why they keep on discussing this ques-
ton of marriage; it's simple enough. II
a fellow is poor he can't get married,
and if he is rich de doesn't need to-
Boston Courier.
THE NINE THEY ADORE.
"MisI Knippy," said the Vassar pro-
fessor of Greek mythology, "can yon
tell me the names of the Divine Miner
eyes, sir; there is Buck Ewing and
"Stop! stop! Who is Buck Ewing?"
Then all the young ladies i'll the class
smiled at the poor professors ignorance,
aud answered in chorus;
"Why, the catcher, OF course. DE
tTOt Free Press,
SUCCESSFUL.
SansO-Nhere were you last night?
Rodd-Out pursuing happiness.
Sanso-And did you catch it?
ROdd--Bet your life! caught 1t IKE
thunder when l got home.-MunSey'S
Weekly.
LONG STORY.
Gust look at my horseis tail; notice
how long it is, how soft the halr, now
glossy, how"
"Look here, Tom, just cut that taIl
short, will your"
SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING.
Irate Observation-Disclosures did you mean
by telling Smith that had been in jail?
Calm Individual-I did not tell Smith
you had beaR in jail: ! simply said you
ought to be in jail,
Irate Individual lcalming down.. |
! beg your pardon. / must have mis-
understood him.-I'e.rds Siftings.
APPLY DESCRIBED.
Jones-I hear you had dog show in
your town last week. How did it go
| off?
Adams Splendidlv. 1t was howl
| ing success.-RGte Fields Washington
HAPPENED IN THE MUSEUM.
"You see it was this way. The India
rubber man struck the ossihed man
and bi ok6 him.H
WWhat did he strike him fors"
give dollars. When the manager
found it out tho India-rubber man was
| bounced"
NO CHANCE.
| He-When we are married, dear, you
can have q new dress every month.
| She-But that's what I've always
been accustomed to.
| Howell, you will have the same
father, will you not? ReUtcW'
NOT TO RETURN.
He quarreled with his wife and left
the house saying he would never come
AS soon as she could she followed him
and got traces of him in one of his us-
uaI haunts.
bed. "He said he would never come
again."
that" observed the bartender soothing
| ly; che was in here a few moments ago
and he was then merely saying he
| wouldn't go home till moFnlng,"-thtt-
ddeLphiG Times.
| INCOMPETENT.
81 have sent for you DOCTOR" said a
lady, anxiOusly, "to see il you can tell
me what to do for my poor little canary.
| Il am not a bird doctor, madam" in
| opposed the physician, with proper pro-
fesSiOnal dignity.
"DOn't you know anything about the
diseases of canaries."
"Most emphaticalIy do not"
"W ell, you really must excuse me
then, DOCTOR" she said, 'if call in a
more experienced physician. think q
great deal of my bird, and must lido the
very best I can for him."-ChicGgO
Times.
MUST BE LADY FLIES.
She-Isn't the room full of flies to-
daV7
He-Very full, and what's odd, they
! all appear of the fema persuasion.
She (astonished)-How do you make
HeNDon'Ly you notice how the most
of them are sitting on the looking
gIass?-FLiegende BtGetter.
THE USUAL THING.
De BulI-De Lamb has just made $lO,,
900 10y a sItiuen turn of the market, and
is down town whOOping things up
De Bear-Intoxicated with joy, l sup
Do BulI-No; same old stu ff.-Pitts-
burg Dispatch.
AN AID TO MEMORY.
"Haven't you forgotten something,
sir ?" limited the waiter, insOlently, as
the guest was leaving the table.
"Ah, yes, thanks, L believe | have"
and tho guest took half dollar from
under his plate, and with a pleasant
smile put il back in his pocket.
STILL HIS OWN.
81 proposed to Marie last night" isaid
MawsOn. 80,
"WeIi, were you self-possessed?"
ask ed Davidson.
"Yes," replied Mawson, sadly, 81 am
STILL"
AN OBJECTIONABLE PET NAME.
Mrs. Younglove-I don't like to have
AlgernOn call me "Birdie."
Miss Maite-Why notS 1 think it
dove of q name.
NrS an ha