The record-union., 1891-03-29

| IdCc NNHStucT OF 1uOl, i 90 not
know, to add to my already heterogene-
GUS collection" at home.
FANNIE B. WARD.
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.
If a lovely woman smacks me on one
cheek I will turn her the other also.-
Josh Billings.
When woman wants the earth, it is
with the view Of giving 1t to some man.
Boston Courier.
Lobbs-"Did the old gentleman leave
much when he died ?" Bobbs-"He left
the earth. What more could / expect ?"
l-BostO'a Gazette.
Il haven't seen Jones lately. How's
ToU ms cough gh,1 90 you knoW?n IT'S gone"
with t."-Nea0 York San.
II thought you told me your father was
a retired merchant?" so he is. When
the Sheriff took possession he had to re-
tire. e."-Indaanapolis Journal.
Waiter Ito Uncle Greencorn)-sWhati is
your order, sir?" Uncle Greencorn-"I
belong to the Masonic order at Sturup-
vile; thank ye. Can't have something
to eat?"-IFme.
In Darkest New York: "why do they
before locking him in cell at the police
stationT' $50 as to prevent him buying
his way ut"-Puck.
The nuisance of the hotel was in the
parlor warbling ooh, would T were a
bird" well, here's a beginning for
you," said the landlord. And he handed
him his bill.-Fort Plain Free Press.
Lawyer-''The ante-mortem statement
says" Judge-'Hold on, now. We
Mortem or Uncle Mortem SAYS: what did
the deceased say himself" ?"-Teras SIT
iraGS.
Mr.. Himmelstein (who was first to get
| over)-"Run toward de bull, Chacob |!
wave him your redt handkerscheef! And
you, Rachel, come dis way! Chacob is
der Won to be tossed-he has der iye-in-
surance !"-Puck.
o,a lis your nephew a practieing physi-
ing neighbor. Eyes, b'lieve he is prac-
ticing just at present, but he has as good
a show for learning as the most of them. -
Washington Post.
"A wealthy man ruined by new wheat
| read Mrs. Talkene. '"This is sad.n she
commented, Sbut thousands Of wealthy
men are ruined by Old Rye, and the
papers don,t say anything about it."-
NeV York Ledger.
travelling man to another. "Yes." 'sBil-
fine building" i'He paid for it with the
proceeds of one story.' "Oh! it's pretty
high for one-story house.n
Instructor Ito class in horology)-"What
are the essential characteristics of good
repeaterrI,n IN. Mike (first-born of an Alder
Ability to vote every half hour
while the polls are open and get out of
the State before the ballots are counted"
-JeaoelerS' Weekly.
Rev. Or. Discord-"Why, dear Jack.
am glad to see you; you are looking so
well. What. have you been doing ?u
Jack Scraggs Pitching for league club
at 5000 year. What are you doing? ?"
Dlscord-" reaching for chapel at $500
a year. ."-Teras .SJti,gs.
Nickleby-"What are the vowals 9v
Squeers-"A, g, j, o, u, Now, say
them again; dropping off the first one."
off the second" "I, o, ~ "I know
you do, and wish to thunder you'd pay
up. ."--LdUrence american.
"Are you going to the game to-day.
Browne?o asked travelling man of a
should.D "Why not2 "I've got bawl
match at home. Twins five months old,
and an even score up to the present
time. ."-MerchGnt Traveller.
| AS she strolled along the beach,
| She looked as sweet as peach
! In her dainty, pretty summer rig.
When l saw her by-and-by,
| Then she seemed q perfect guy.
For her bathing suit was miles too big
-NeiO York Journal.
Johnnie" said q loving father to his
son, the other day, ''you must now com
mence to lay the stepping-stones to for
tune and to fame, as will not ALWAYS be
with you.' '.All right, father; just leave
me the rocks when you die, and I'll at
| tend to the rest"
"You can talk about your cheap postal
rates, but have seen $50 pounds 90 for
one stamp & Cheap, I should say it
''This morning. My wife was angry,
she stamped once, and I got out."-
Commercial Traveller.
A personal item says that Miss Marie
| Louise Eve is "a rising young poetess of
Augusta, Ga.," but does not name the
hour she rises. It is hoped that she rises
early enough to help her mother wash
the breakfast dishes and pare the potatoes
for dinner. That's the kind of "rising"
poetesses this country needs.-NorYtstoO
Herald.
Tramp-"Thankee kindly, mum: I'd
no hope of gittin' sich fine supper to-
day, mum. May heaven bless YEP
Housekeeper-"As you've had good
supper, think you might chop some
wood" ''Yes, mum; but you know the
old adage, After dinner rest while !;
after supper walk mile' TIl walk the
mile first, num-"
The correspondent who want to know
show to cook cabbage without having an
odor in the house'' is informed, in the alb
sence of the expert who conducts our
household department, that another good
way is to boil the cabbage in the middle
of q ten-acre lot, and keep the doors and
windows of the house tightly closed
while it is cooking.-Nor71sto,D Herald
"Oh, what bad dream had last night.
I saw elephants, snakes, lions, bears, and
all sorts of animals" said Smith. at the
breakfast table, the other morning.
"Well, it was that cheese you ate last
evening. told you not to take it, but you
would; you are always contrary" said
his loving spouse. "Yes, my dear, but I
ate it for economy. I saw a whole circus
without it costing me the usual dollar.',-
American, Commercial Traveller.
George" remarked Mrs. Jackhigh TO
her husband, .'who is this Sam Taylor I
heard you and Major johnson talking
about? Is he good waiter2'' "a good
waiter, my dearf What do you mean?"
"Why, heard you tell the Major that
down at the club the other night, Sam
Taylor came i'll with a tray full and
dropped his pile, and thought he must
have been very careless And then
George gazed out OF the window with a
fnr-away look in his cyes---Lsfr.