Telegram-herald., 1891-06-21
lIISTHEHGNANAIEHOG
Ycu1l Always Know Him When
Once You've Seen Him.
The HIgiy-PORCBE COMBINATION
some OF Ms Nest Dissastisz Prspsnsi-
tIes-as L. Foaaa Essryw hsrs-Hsw
ne Eau. Tslks Ana Asts-sseiety
,Rsaaa Be Hid of din-

The hnmanats hog - one OF the most
aetsst.ble m0nstrosltles with which de-
eency : forced 20 contend. Tbs spe-
eies Of swine Is found N abundance in
all the cities, towns and hamiets OF the
United States, Germany. England,
France. and, in fact, every civilized
seeuCn Of the globe. Has the reader
observed any Of the species IN Grand
Rapidsf The writer viii answer the in
terrogation by giving the assurance
that the gentle peruser mas witnessed
them on more tnan one occasion, ana
Ia consequences has mad us or her sen
abilities - eSnpleteiy submerged with
disgust that & mas been impossible 10
suppress deep and longing sigh for u
qua, or an axe, with which 10 speedily
disuat,h the scurrilous beasts. Ii IS
very easy 10 pick them OUT They can
not hide their identity, though at
times an attempt Is made 10 do
% by encroaching upon respect
ability and mlngling among those who,
by their breeding or hne instinct, have
succeeded in placing themselves aloof
from the stigma OF belonging 10 this
horrible drove OF humanate hogs. Pig
Is too soft an appeIlation. It's not
necessary to be familiar with Greek 10
comprehend the significance of the
above. For the sake or those who do
not underestimate there be any-the
following description may not prove
amiss. In all public places this base
specimen of humanity IS seen IN agre-
giOus multiplicity. You are IN atten-
dance a. a dress party, and so Is the
humanate hog. The
Full Dress Suit Does Not Conceal Him.
The music strikes up and gentlemen
and ladies' take their places upon the
floor. One couple passes immediately
IN front OF where you are standing and
stops You politely inform him that
you were the first upon the foor, and
that the place belongs 20 YOU. Does he
beg your pardon As the occasion var
rants2 Not much. This Is the human
ate hog and he resolutely informs you
that he intends TO stay there Just rhe
same, 10 the humiliation OF the lady he
has engaged as a partner. When the
banquet Is served, no shows himself
OF To the better advantage. He
grabs every thing IN sight and
stacks IL up around MS plate. He eats
with his fingers, his knife. and Tolls
all over the table. lie spi.s on the
floor and does not apologize when he
spills a cup of coffee over nice six
dress, but grunts out his delight and
thinks IT'S funny. He thinks he IS the
center of attraction and that all the
girls are in love with him. This isn't
the only place you see him. Go into
any or the numerous restaurants and
while you are waiting TO have your
order served, glance about you and
count the humanato hogs. At the
same table and Just across from you is
n fair sample. He slabs his knife into
his potatoes with one hand and with n
iightning-like move buries il up TO the
handle IN the cash which distigures his
face. His fork swings next and il is
loaded down like the shovel on steam
dredge. The tines disappear in the
cavity and are withdrawn with q graf
ing sound. Now both knife and fork
are dropped and the hog grapples with
a piece OF meat which he is too lazy to
cut. A short, one-sided struggle ensues.
The meat is ''out OF nght," and the
next move he makes Is to wipe OFT his
hands on the table cloth. He masticates
his food and the noise which emanates
from his eating aperture is similar to
that produced when
a Sow IL Grinding Her Corn.
Ii makes you sick and you wish you
were out of the place. In drinking his
tea or coffee ne does not raise IL from
the table, but bends over and tips il
according to the flow of the liquid. The
humanate hog usually orders every
thing on the DILL of fare and kicks be-
cause there is not more. In the lobby
of hotels you observe these animals.
The hogs face Is distorted with huge
chew OF tobacco, and he squirts the
Juice over everything. In the street
cars you see hum taking ND twice as
much room "a necessary and compel
ling ladies to stand up. In the rnilroad
trans he can be seen taking up about
four seats with baggage when chairs
are scarce. How detestable he is. How
your indignation grows and expands
when you see HIM. How you wish
there was no law against killing such
fiends. Even the churches are not
free from the beasts. They pray the
loudest and think God Is not lust. IL
He doesn't send him down a barrel or
two Of money. When contributions
are collected he puts in the least, and
kicks the most If things are not right.
In the Legislature. IN Congress, in the
Senate. everywhere you are forced to
contend With the humsnate hog. If
the government would grant a boon to
its subjects IL will in that q law is
enacted placing bounty of about 81
per head on the humanate hog and
thus rid the world of the abomInable
creature.