The record-union., 1891-03-01
ON TIE CARS.
How a Gay and Frolicsome Medico
Came to Grief.
The Story of Justice McToot, Who
Would Not Allow Budding Attor-
ney to Nandamus Him-Any Kind
of s'Game'' Can Be Had Easily.

ney to Mandamus Him-Any Kind
of ''Game'' Can Be Had Easily.
According TO story heard on the cars
the other day, the handsome and fasci-
mating young DIR. Sawbones is the latest
victim of practical jolIerdom.
The doctor received a note-a dainty
bit of pink-tinted, rose-perfumed billet
doux. 1t read:
Dear Doctor: can resist no longer. am
your slave. Meet me this evening at 8 in front
OF the Mechanics Store. Yours forever,
Who could refuse such an appeal? Not
| the doctor, anyhow. Nine o'clock would
never come, it seemed, and our dear good
young man was dreadfuliy inpatient. At
$50 he was on hand, dressed in his best
and looking his incest. He promenaded
up and down the block, and closely scru-
tinized the countenance OF each young
lady of the brunette type who happened
along. Nine O'Clock, and the charmer had
not put in an appearance. Nine fifteen.
Would she never come?
doctor Sawbones?"
Yes, that's my name" The doctor
turned quickly and took the note the
messenger boy handed him. Quickly
ripping open the envelope, he read:
Ha! hal ha! Get or the earth. Your hat
don't 1T you, Doc. Run away and hide, for
| the fool-iiller is coming. THE GANG.
Here, you young scamp, who gave
you this -"
But The messenger boy had flown.
| a chorus OF hoarse and boisterous
| OUTLAWS echoed from across the street.
That was enough for the doctor-the DID,
old game had been well played. Two
leaps, and he had disappeared into the
murly night.
Anxious friends have been looking for
the young doctor the past few days, and,
while it is not believed that he has sui
cided, fears are entertained that he has
gone to look for Pete Olsen or Charlie
Ross.
Somebody had just related an incident
that occurred couple Of days ago in one
of the Superior Court departments, in
which a budding young attorney essayed
to run a "blutf'' on the Judge regarding
some motion and failed miserably.
Judge Henry was an interested listener
| to the story.
''Humph! It makes me laugh some
times to hear about these insignificant
! little squabbles in court nowadays" re-
marked the Judge contemptuously when
the story was finished. Why" said he,
"a little thing like that would not be no.
ticed by one of our pioneer Judges. tell
you those were the days for speedy court
| proceedings" and the Judge Stroked his
long beard and smiled as his mind wan
dered back over the glorious past.
Now if there is any one thing that
Judge Henry excels in, it is his vivid
the happy faculty of knowing how to tell
a good story when called uOOn
Il can relate a little affair that occurred
many years ago." resumed the Judge,
''and it will give you all an idea of how we
did things in those good old days. 1t was
] when was up in the mountains, and it
| happened somewhere along in the fifties.
We had elected old Tom McToot Justice
OF the Peace, and he was a character to be
sure. He was one of those old fellows
who had plenty OF horse sense, but no
education, and he didn't know word of
law. Well old Tom was hearing a case in
his cabin one day, and he and the at
| torney for the plaintiff got into dispute
over law point, and the Judge overruled
! the attorney. The lawyer got a lNtle bit
mad and said he would mandamus the
| court.
.'Old Tom looked at the lawyer for a
while, and then becl1oned to the lawyer
for the defendant to come to him.
That young feller said he'd man
damus me, didn't he?' he asked.
"I es,' replied the lawyer.
"'Um, that's wot / thort. What does
mandamuS mean?'
".Oh, that's Latin word-it means
''Pll kick the stuf1ing out of you."'
"'Um, thanks!' replied old Tom.
''Then he turned to the lawyer who had
| threatened to mandamus him: Say, you
! blankety- blank young sapling, eff
you think you kin kick the stutfin' outer
| me, you'd better start in right away in a
| hurry'-and I tell you he did look fiery,
| too.
''The attorney protested that he had
never thought of doing such Il thing, but
old Tom had his mad up in earnest. 'Oh,
| you're not edicated enough to git in any
! of your Latin on me. You're guilty of
contempt OF court, you blank-blanll little
whiiiet, an Pm agoin' ter cut your liver
out, that's wot I'm agoin' ter do.
The Judge whipped out bowic-knife
about a yard long and started after the at
! torney. He chased him all over town.
but couldn't catch him, and finally gave
it up. He went into a saloon pulling and
! blowing at q great rate, and leaned over
the bar. Boys said he, with tears in
his eyes and his voice trembling, come
up an take a drink, all OF you! This is
the fuSt time in my life that a man over
SAID he'd kick the stuffiii' outer me am
lived five minutes after sayin' it's
Little frankie IS only three years of
age, yet he bids fair to rival Bill Nye ere
| long.
Frankie, do you want to come out
with me and take ride on the electric
cars?' 1t was Frankie's papa who spoke.
No thir.n was the prompt reply.
mo? Why not?'
Don't like dem carths.''
"What's the matter with them-why
don't you like them ?''
"Cauth dey run on q clothes line"
eli say, me fwiend, ha, can you tell
me where these, ha, cars rem to?''
''Oak Park
The first speaker was English, deucedly
English VI know, and he was dressed in
a new hunting suit, with shotgun, game
/ bag and dog to match. The second
speaker was an old broken-down sport of
the Handsome" Brady type.
'Oall Park? Ha, that's good. You see,
Hi want to go out for ha bit huv ha shoot,
y'llnow. ham Hi don't want TO go far from
Inc 'otel'
..I does, does ye?p
"Yaas. y'iznow, HIM so fond huy ha
shoot. y'know. But Hi say, be there
any game hout thera?"
! Camel Wal, now podner, We doesn't
need ter go way out there fer game
! jest come erlong with me ter the Laffy
! Yet, an yer kin buck emmy game yer
| wants, from roley-poley ter marbles
'Tain't t two block from here, nuther."
THE RUzz-SAW.
A ctooI-+,,y, atto,.,,,.,- ercrI-,,-., xy-;41, t.