The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-04-10

swo fat of1iss seekers from Wisconsin, in
endeverin to crawl atween his legs for
the purpuss of applyin for the tollgate-
ship at Milwawky, upset the President
eleck, aud he would hev gone sprawlin
into the fire place if hadn't caught him
in these arms. But l hadn't more'n
stood him up strate before another man
cum crashin down the chimney, his head
strikin me vilently agin the inards and
prostratin my voluptoous form onto the
floor. "Mr. Linkin," shouted the infat-
coated being, "my papers is signed by
every clergyman in our town, and like
wise the skoolmaster!"
"Sez l, "you egrejis ass" gittin up &
brushin the dust from my eyes, "Tll
sign your papers with this bunch of
bones, if you don't be little more keer-
full how you make my bread basket a
depot in the futer. How do you like
that air perfumcry" SEE /. shuving my
fist under his nose. "Them's the kind
of papers I'll give you! Them's the
papers goa want!'
"But / workt hard for the ticket; l
toiled night and day! The patrit should
be rewardedw
"Virtoo," sed l, holdin' the infatoo-
ated man by the coat collar, "virtoo,
sir, is its own reward. Look at mel"
He did look at me, and qualed be4 my
case. THE fact is" l continued, look
in round on the hungry crowd, There
is scarcely n offs for every lie lamp car
rid round durin' this campane. wish
thare was. Iwish thare was furrin mis-
sions to be filled on varis lonely Islands
where eppydemics rage necessarily, and
if l was in Old Abes place I'd send
every mothers son of you to them.
| What air you here for?" l continnered,
warmin up considerable, cant you
Civ Abe n minit's peace? Don't you see
| he's world most to death? Go home,
| you miserable men, go home 81 till the
sile! Go to peddlin tinwarc-go to chop
pin wood-go to bilin sope-stuff sas-
sengers-black boots-git a clerkship
on sum respectable manure cart-go
round as original Swiss Bell Ring
ers-becum 'origenal and only Camp
bell Minstrels-go to lecturin at so
dollars II nite-imbark in the peanut
bizness-,crite for the Ledgcr-saw off
your legs and go round givin concerts,
with tuchin appeals to charitable pub
| lie, printed on your andbills-anything
for an honest living, but don't come
| round here drivin' Old Abe crazy by
| your outrajis cuttings up! GO home.
Stand not upon the order of your goin',
but go to onct! Eff in five minits from
this time" sez l, pullin' out my new
sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and
| brandishin it before their eyes, "Ef in
| five minits from this time single sole
of you remains on these here premises,
I'll go out to my cage near by, and let
my Boy Constructor loose! g. eff he gifts
amung you, you'll think old Solferino
has cum again and no mistaken
You ought to hev seen them scamper,
Mr.. Fair. They run orr as tho Satun
hisself was arter them with a red hot
ten pronged pitchfork. In five minits
the premises was clear.
"How kin ! ever repay you, Mr..
| Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe,
advancin and shakin me warmly by the
hand. How kin ever repay you, STRIP
"By givin the whole country good,
sound administration. By poerin' lie
upon the troubled waturs, North and
South. By pursooin' patriotic, firm,
and just course, and then if any State
wants to secede, let 'em Seseshv'
"How bout my Cabinit, Mister
Ward?" sed Abe.
Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Show
men is devoid of politics. They hain't
got any principles. They know how to
cater for the public. They know what
the public wants, North & South. Show
men, sir, is honest men. Eff you doubt
their literary ability look at their post
ers, and see small bills! Eff you want a
Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with
showmen, but don't call on me. The
moral wax figger perfeshun mustn't be
permitted to go down while there's a
drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin,
wish you well! Eff Powers or Walcutt
wus to pick out model for beautiful
man, scarcely think they'd sculp you;
but eff you do the fair thing by your
country you'll make as putty angel as
aEy of us! A Linkin, use the talent
which Nature has put into you judishus-
ly and firmly, and all will be well! A.
Linkin, adoo!"
He shook me cordyully by the hand
we exchanged picters, so we could gaze
upon each others hniments, when far
away from one another-he at the hellum
of the ship of State, and at the hellum
Of the show bizness-admittance only Is
cents.
THE SHOW BUSINESS AND LECTURES.
feel that the Show Bizness, which
I've stroven to ornyment, is bein usurpt
by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled,
tho in my pinion thay air poplar hum
bugs. Individoouls, who git hard up,
embark in the lecturin biznis They
cram themselves with hi-soundin frazis,
frizzle up their hare, git trustid for a
SCOT of black close and cum out to lectu1
at so dollers a pop Thay aint owe,
stockt with branes, but thay hav brass
enuff to make sufishunt kittles to bile
all the sope that will be required by the
ensooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock