Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1891-06-09
THE COTTON BLOSSOMS"
The Garden of Eden Figures In Great
Discussion.


II. Quad in ~ Y World.
Just before the opening of the regu-
lar meeting of the Cotton Blossom Club,
Saturday evening, Elder Pinchback
Bibbs and Deacon Vertigo Skinner,
both men of dignity and standing,
drifted into conversation about the
Garden of Eden. The Elder contended
that it was located in Japan, while the
Deacon offered to bet chip hat that it
was located in Australia. The dispute
soon grew acrimonious, and the Elder
was about to pull off his coat, and the
Deacon had already spit on his hands,
when Brother Gardner arrived and the
combatantS scattered and subsidized.
When the meeting had opened in due
form the President looked around the
hall and observed:
elder Bibbs an Deakun Skinner will
please step to de front"
The two members arose and approach
ed the platform, looking surprised and
anxious.
'Brudder Bibbs, was you eber in
Japan?" queried Brother Gardner.
mo, sah."
"Deakun Skinner, was you eber in
AuStralia?"
mo, sah."
Either one of you eber meet pus-
son who had seen de Ga'den Of Eden?'
"No, sah," in chorus.
"Got any maps, books or fggers dat
you will sw'ar to?"
mo, sab"
''It's just as thought. OATS human
natur'. We is rs wilin' to fight ober
what we doan' know as ober what we
kin sw'ar to. want to say to cherry
pusson in dis Hall tonight dat dis sort
o. bizness has got to stop dead still.
Dat Ga'den of Eden doan' consarn us in
de least. It's none o our bizness
whether it contained fo'ty acres OF land
and mile-pond, or spread ober a hum
dred an was all cut up wild creeks. If
de white man wants TO fool around wild
matters five or six thousand Vars ole,
we won't interfere but de main ques-
hum wild us is: kin we pay seben
dollars month rent an still hev cod
fish balls fur breakfast? Each one of
desc gem'len is fined S11, 900 for Dustin
bylaw S,764, an dey won't hev no priv
ileges on dis floah Til de money is paid
in"
The President then announced that
the Hon. Proclamation Huntington, of
Titusvile, Pa, was in the ante-room
and desirious of delivering his celebrat-
ed essay before the club. The Hon.
Huntington is known as THE Thought
full Thoughtist of Pennsylvania, and
his essay is entitled: "Whar' Was We?
Whar' Re We? Whar' We Gwine TOP"
He was brought in by the committee on
reception and formally introduced, but
the audience was disappointed in him
from the start. He was short and
squatty; his feet toed in; his heels were
not long enough; his shoes didn't
squeak; his eyes had nothing OF an
oratorical squint in them. He was given
a good send off, however. and he slipped
a peach stone into his mouth and began:
my frens, whar was we? Let your
minds go back fifteen or twenty thou
sand Vars. What was we dom? What
was de chances ahead of us? Was we
in de sir above or de waters below? Was
we a clam or an elephant? Was WEI
The orator had been speaking in
broken voice and shifting about uneasi-
ly, and he suddenly came to stop and
seemed in distress. Brother Gardner
handed him the water pitcher, and
Judge Replevin Green kindly loaned
him a hunk of licorice and toothpick,
and after moment he rallied and went
on:
"Whar be we? Is we heah or is
we gone away? Is we whitewhaShin',
blackin' stoves, beatin' carpets and sell
in pumpkin pies at seben cents apiece
or two for fifteen, or is we tloatin' -
The orator suffered and Stammered
and finally broke fat down, evidently
overcome by some mysterious power.
He was removed to the ante-room as
gently as gently as possible, and when
he had left the Hall Brother Gardner
explained:
LET dis case be a solemn warnin' to
each an ebry one of you. He simply bit
off more'n he could swaller, an he got
choked on it. He has bin trabblin'
around an deliberin' his essay TO three
or four men an dog, an bekase he
didn't faint away he called hisself an
orator an yearned to broaden his field.
What dis thoughtful thinkest was
gwine to thunk fur dis Club we shall
probably nebber know, but it's my pri-
vate opinyun dat we won't suffer by it.