Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1891-10-01

one day DR.. Cutting, an army surgeon.
VINO was handsome and dressy man, ar
ranging his cravat eompiacently before a
glass, Cutting" said Lee, you must be
the happlest man IN creation"
Why, general?'' asked the surgeon.
.Why?' replied Lee, because you are
in love with yourself and have not rival
on earth
The general, however, sometimes met
with an adversary enjoying a wit as keen
and dry as his own; notably in the follow
| ing instance:
When prisoner at Albany he dined at
! the house of an Irish gentleman. Before
commencing the after-dinner pastime of
wine-drinking the general said to his host
that he hoped he would excuse 2 fault of
his after drinking, which he was sorry to
say was a tendency to abuse Ireland and
| Jrishmen.
by al means, replied the other dryly,
- will excuse your fault, but | must also
beg of you to excuse parallel defect in
myself Whenever hear man abuse my
country | have tricksof cracking his head
with my shillalah.'
The general drank his wine, but never
said word about Ireland that evening.
An amusing anecdote is related con-
corning certain pompus captain during
oce OF the battles on the Mississippi. His
company was advancing toward the scene
of conflict when the Confederate general,
Pillow, who was well acquainted with his
subordinate weakness for riding the high
horse, called cut in very solemn manner:
Captain, fire! the crisis has come" Cool
| ly turning to his men vino were standing
with their guns shotted and primed, he
cried 'Fire!' The men were naturally
surprised at the order, there being no OBJ
ject within range, and an old gray-headed
Irish sergeant stepped up with 'PIaze, yer
| honor, what shall we fire at?'
Fire at the crisis" said the captain.
''Didn' you hear the general say it had
Gomez
| As is well known, American militia Off
GERS do not rank very high, and sometimes
get rather broad hints Of it to their very
faces. Cuff" said one of these 6ignita-
ries to the colored boy at his side as he
prepared to swallow his seventh tumbler:
| ''Cug, you re gooo, honest fellow, and |
like to compliment a man wot's led an
honest life, even if he is black. You shall
take "a glass of something with me, Cuff -
'Well, capt'n," said Cuff, wiping his
mouth with his coat sleeve, Use berry
dry, so | won't be ugly bout it. Some
niggers is too proud to drink with mil
lisy ossifer, but think millishy ossifer,
when he's sober is jis as good as niger,
especially if de nigger's dry"
Of the English army there are many cap
ital anecdotes on record, and not the least
amusing is one telling how in the eight
eenth century the government granted
commissions to such Highland chiefs as
service. An English officer, who had been
sent into the Highlands to receive r.
cruits, inquired: Where are the volun,
tGers?"
"AIl safe," was the reply; "they are
tied up In the barn
The righteousness Of this reply almost
equals that of young officer who, with a
companion, had, after raess DINNER, very
much ridiculed their general. He sent
for them, and asked them if what was
reported to him was true. General, y
said the linquent, " it is, and we should
have said nluch more if cur wine had not
failed"
An officer from the land of the sham
rock had the misfortune to be severely
wounded in an engagement in the Amer.
en- war. As he lay on the field an unfor.
tunate near him, who was also badly in.
jured, gave vent to his agony in dreadful
howls, which so irritated the officer, who
bore his own In silence, that he exclaimed
'What do you make such a voise for
Do you think nobody is killed but your
self?'