The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-11-17
THE ARIZONA KICKER.

the ARIZONA hIcEe7'.
WHY WE LAUGH:-One of the Funniest
things that ever occurred in this town
was pulled off in good shape Tuesday
afternoon. On Monday we got q keg
of red ink from Chicago, being the
first thing of the sort ever seen in this
part of Arizona. Our esteemed con
temporary down the street has had a
great many things to bear from us,
and the red ink was the last straw.
He sent US word that he intended to
shoot us on sight, but we'd forgotten
about it when we started for the post
office at o'clock. AS we passed Santa
Fe alley we heard a pistol go off, fol
lowed by several successive reports,
but as there was nothing unusual in a
fusilade of that sort we kept O 1t
was not until we had entered the post
office that Col. Irwin came running
in to inform US that We had been
shot at.
1t seems that u esteemed contem-
pOrary ambushed us at the alley and
fired his first shot. Then he followed
on and plugged away five times more
without suspecting it, and finding
he could not accomplish anything he
sat down and cried like a boy. When
we understood the case we went back
and offered to stand against the wall
and let him pop away for half a day,
but he went off in a petulant spirit
without even thanking us. Poor old
daddy!
A WORD TO MAJOR JONES:-We
understand that Major Jones is max
ing it his business to circulate around
town and tell everybody that we have
decided not to run for Mayor, even if
the nomination was offered us by
reclamation. In telling this the Major
lies and knows he lies! No one has
authorized him to make any such
statements, and he is actuated only by
the basest motives. We not only want
the nomination, but we want to be
elected, and we shall work tooth and
toenail to get her.
A word with you, Major: If, after
your attention has been called to this
notice, you persist in your malicious
conduct, we shall take it as a personal
insult. That is, we shall strap on our
gun and meander around town, and as
we meander we shall look for you. If
you get the drop on us we shan't kick,
but if you don't you'd better have in
structions already written out as to
where you want to be buried.
It's OUR WAY:-There are over two
hundred subscribers on our books who
are owing us for two years subscrip-
ton. Most of these are Eastern people
who have been accustomed to paying
for their paper about once in fifty
years. 1t will probably astonish them
to know that we run things on a diff
ferent basis out here. We don't want
to be too sudden with them, and there
fore announces that this notice is only
preparatory. During the next thirty
days the delinquents can settle up with
hay, oats, corn, live stock, barbed wire,
hides, pelts, whiskey, tobacco or most
anything else. After that we shall
mount our mule and look up the rest
of them and we shall decline t. be held
responsible for results.
EXPLANATORY:-We understand that
Col. Childers is making a great blow
around town about the little affair of
last Saturday, and that he has induced
some of our best citizens to believe
that we attempted to assassInate him.
While we have lived here too long for
any solid business man to believe any
such thing of us an explanation is per-
haps due to all parties.
The Colonels wife is a p~oetess. That
is, she has copied poetry from standard
poets and brought it to us as original,
and it has been published as such in
the Kicker. On several occasions we
have suspected that all was not right,
but we are kind hearted and willing to
give a poetess a show. Saturday morn
ing she brought in a poem entitled
"The Old Oaken Bucket" We thought
we'd heard Of it somewhere, but she
assured US that it was strictly original.
She hadn't been gone half an hour
when our literary editor, who also
thought he'd heard of such a poem,
found that our suspicious were cor
rect. The poetess stole the whole
thing.
The Colonel happened to be passing
by and we called him in and broke the
news as gently as possible. He flew
mad in a moment and attempted to