The record-union., 1891-11-14
ON THE CARS.
Possibilities of the Rain-Making Art
in the Future.
Fate Of Park Policeman Who De-
lighted to Smoke-a Few
Short Stories.

O4 tne sacramento KAN Agency between
She agent and Florin farmer:
Quoth the farmer: "If you please, Pll
take half inch on my barley field, an
inch on my asparagus-but mind you be
careful Of my strawberries in the field
next to the asparagus, and don't allow
the water to fall on them. Two much
water on strawberries, you know, amt
good for them. And, by the way, give
me streak Of rain along the road in the
orchard; it's kinder dusty now"
Gan right" said the agent, pressing the
button, causing the shower to fall as per
order. ''There you are, sir"
''Well, what do L owe your"
''Let me see, now-barley field, aspara-
gus and road-just Sl5, sir"
We'll, just charge it TO my account: I'll
be around next week, as [ think by that
time I'll need an inch or so on my vine
yard. Good afternoon"
George" said Mrs. Snipkins, waking
up shortly after midnight, there's. some
thing burning"
BE still, love-" replied George, 81
know what it is. It's that corned beef and
cabbage we had for supper. 1t gave me
ghe heartburn"
81 think we should have Charley Neale,
the musician, for the Chairman of the
next Republican Municipal Convention
said the politician.
why do you suggest him ?''
''Oh, just for the sake of harmony"
The big Capital Park policeman, famil-
iarly called ED at the uptown hostelry
where he has established himself, is in
trouble and carries his head in a very
downcast manner-much la the villain
in the ten-cent drama. The reason:
Whenever he finished a meal and pre-
Sented his ticket at the counter for the
diamond-bestudded clerk to punch out
the equivalent he would suddenly throw
back the lapel of the aforesaid dignitary's
coat, and with style peculiarly his own"
deity extract fragrant Havana from
the busy clerks pocket and walk off, re-
marking to the assembled ranchers: ITS
only an Elk Grave chump that pays for
cigars in this house. Bill or Charley
always have lots of them, so I always
help myself, see?" And with a stride not
equaled by any of the Apollos of Sacra-
mentO'S finest, he meanderS towards the
Park TO order the small boys to make
less noise and keep off this here grass,
you blamed kids" BLAMED looks better
n print than a simple, unornamented,
cold dash), and enjoy the fruits of his
deit handiwork.
But Bill and Charley called halt, and,
after three-day consultation with an ad-
Jacent cigarmaker, a plot was arranged
ana carried to complete consummation,
as "Ed'' can only too truly testify. They
were Ioaded-had more powder than Pete
Sinclair uses in his little 'snipe gun.''
Ed" as usual on Sunday after break
fast, presented his meal ticket for punch
ing, and, in his gentle, persuasive man
ner, abstracted from Charley his morning
weed. Charles demurred, and, with we'll
teigned abruptneSs, dramatically, fOrcibly
and unreservedly demonstrated against
such high-handed cigar-lifting tendencies
on Eds part, and announced that
henceforth there would be no more
monkey business. ED" only laughed,
and proceeding to light the cigar, began
10 remark that Charley and Bill could
use the business END Of a tack for a
chair cushion for all he cared. now
that he had the punk. when there was
an explosion that opened the door with a
rush and caused the pedro game to break
up, the players thinking that q revolu-
Jion had broken out on Tenth street At
ter the smoke cleared away the big park
guardian was ''out of sight" ''Ed'' de-
clineS all offers to "haVe one with me-"
and would be greatly accommodated for
the loan of pair of brunette eyelashes
and curling mustache of the same per-
SuasiOn.
We've got a cupola on our new house."
boasted little Ethel to her playmate, Tiny
McTOot.
''Pooh, that's nothin','' replied Miss
McToot, with toss Of her curly little
head; we've got mortgage on our
house. There, nowv
"Tbere goes Sawbones," said Smith,
pointing out of the c3r-window to a
white-haired old gentleman who was
tramping down the street.
who's SawbOnes?" inquired Jones.
"Oh, he's a doctor-a doctor of the old
school. He is not in it nowadays. Nou
see, he believes in bleeding his patients."
''Humphn' snorted Jones, who re-
Gently paid bill to his family physician.
''If that's his belief, he's no back number
He's right in it with the modern school,"
''Gee Whillikens! But didn't my part
ner, Jack Sullivan, have narrow escape
from being indicted by the Grand Jury!"
calculated Dick Singleton.
How SOP" was asked.
why, they indicted J. J. Sullivan
only a difference of one initial. If that
amt a close shave, what is?"
Practical joking, as a rule, is INDUCED
in without involving ladies. But now
and then the fair sex are made victims.
a certain young gentleman has taken a
fancy to drive rather loud light cart, and
TO use it instead of his legs in reaching
the residence Of young lady whose So
Cety is agreeable. Coming in yesterday
from Twenty-second street on a bob
tailed car, we were told how, recently.
some practical iokers removed the cart
and horse at late hour from in front the
residence Of the young lady, and safely
stored them in the home barn, while the
young man went roaring about the city
in the small hours seeking the lost prop
erty and invoking police aid
Among those who most enioyed the
lOl<n were the la0V IN OupStIOn and q
young female relative of the victim, and
they were simply merclIeSS.
The wheel Of time brings about sweet
revenges to those who wait. Thursday
the victims young female relative, and
the other young lady referred to, bor-
rowed the horse ana cart. In the course
Of their drive they stopped at a J-street
mercantile establishment, where kid"
IS employed who Is no respeetor of per-
sons. Presuming upon acquaintance
ship he watered the horse for the ladies'
in an old bell-crOwned hat he had at
hand, a proceeding that amused them not
& little. Their merriment was changed to
wrath and confusion when, later, driving
down street. the laughter Of the people
ON the highway and the hundreds Of eyes
fastened upon them, led to the discovery
that the boy had fastened the hat upon the
lreast-strap of the harness, like unto a
breast plate on war charger of old.
When the target of street mirth had
leen removed, the ladies' sought to quiet
their nerves by the indulgence in soda at
2 fashionable fountain. While thus tenn
porarily absent from their vehicle, q wag
telephoned to its owner that the rig had
broken down at Eighth and streets and
spilled his friends upon the pavement.
Suspecting ''sell," the young man took
through alleyways and reached the spot
IN time TO mount, drive TO his place of
business and return to find the ladies'