The record-union., 1891-07-04

P"AAis, pub ABOUT uileen years ago one
was blown down. and was carried away.
piecemeal, by tourists. Tradition says
that these palms bore until the male
palm at Santa Barbara was DESTROYED,
many years ago, but have never borne
fruit since.
So much for the Old Mission.
have been sojourning in the Valley of
the Sespe, and the climate in the Valley
| ofthe Sespe is confounded hot. But heat
| IS nothing when one gets used to it, and
! my erStwhile paIlid and Sallow mug is
/ taking on a beautiful mahogany tint, not
unlike the color of "a rare old meerschaum
! pipe, or q ripe earbuncle.
l have spent the greater part of my
| time looking for petritied shells and fish
/ III the hills, and have collected enough
rubbish to stock q museum. l have
/ snalls from the pliocene, miocene, tir-
/ tlary and other periods; fish from the
Kerosene comma, and mollusks from the
| grycorine semicolon, not TO say anything
about my collection of ossified sea SER
/ pents from the benzine colon. I have
! petrltied sharks teeth for sale cheap for
cash, and the skeleton OF a petrifed Jelly
| fish, which | will let out on easy terms,
Since | came here l have made only
one mistake. | thought | needed eXer-
! else, and / persuaded friend to let me
/ take his place for one day and haul bar
! ley hay.
J W
| shall always curse with deep, husky,
passionate, gurgling curse and look at
/ askance forever and more, it is barley
/ hay. 1t would do me great deal Of good
/ to write out n list of the most horrible
/ and extraordinary cuss words | used
! while monkeying with the pitchfork on
/ the top of stack of barley hay in the
/ Valley Of the Sespe, June -, 1891, but if (
/ did they would totally lay out and ruin,
and blast the eyes of every printer IN the
/ poSing-rOoms of the RECoRD- UNION.
ann not sure but they would even make
the editor of the New York Stt2c so
ashamed OF himself that he would never
| allude to eX-PreSident Cleveland again
/ without tears of Encouragement.
! Barley hay is the most insidious, pene-
! tratlng stuff that grows. The man who
cuts 1t should be not only damned after
death, but damned thoroughly and Viror-
ously every hour before death; hung,
drawn and quartered; beaten to death
with q clOtheS-ringer; kicked to death by
cripples and inoculated with a fresh mess
OF hydrophobia every morning Of his life.
/ Barley hay won't stay on pitchtork, on
a wagon, nor on q stack. 1t won't stav
anywhere but under your shirt, next to
the SKIN. AS soon as you get in the
/ field II begins to crawl up your legs, I'M
/ der your interior raiment, up your back
and around your neck. II dallieS with
\ "
! your ribs. 1t works into your ears, eyes,
mouth and nose, and goes exploring on
the inside OF your body, and works ont
through the hide for Il month or two after
you have left the field. i pertorates
your body until YOU are SO full Of holes
that You can take drink or keen any
thing in your stomach. and YOU get 50
thin that your bones cut holes in the bed
clothes at night Excuse me while 30
out behind the barn and express myself q
little more vigorously.
( Another thing which acts in harmony
with barley hay in the Valley Of the
! SeSpe IS Il little gnat. This gnat is about
| the size of the tenth part Of a grain of
mustard seed but it has bill as long rs
/ your leg, and distiIls a poison so viru-
/ lent that when two gnats take bite
from the same part of your person that
/ part Of your person Swclis up until all
/ the other parts OF your person look like
( little fixtures to the part of your person
the gnats bit. These gnats travel in
gangs and swoOp down uneXp pecteGIy
/ when one is not prepared, and while he
/ is trying to get his claws on wisD OF
barley that has wisped into the hide be-
tween his shoulder blades They gather
il vast numbers III his ears, and if he
kills one a. whole squad rushes into the
deadly breach and goes scurrying down
his back until he throws up the sponge.
gives forth a wild, sad, plaintive yell.
tears Oft his pants and hees to the woods
in his shirt, raving, ranting, gibbering
Iunauc! a. Y. HOFFMAN.