St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-12-28
RECIPES AGAINST CRANKs.


The crank racket. like all popular
fadS, is being somewhat overdone. and
the milIOnaires have already devised
very effective defensive armor as pro-
lection against the contemporary use of
dynamite. Last nights attempt to Sc
cure the brains Of Mr.. VANDERBILT is
the latest instance. Recently a poor
boy applied to JAY GOULD in person
for a trip ticket to the old coun-
try, and the little wizard, not with
out humor, promised him one on cOndi-
ton that he would cali policeman.
When the officer of the law arrived the
youngster was turned over to his custo-
dy and carried before magistrate, who
thought he was entitled to another show
and discharged him. ltdoes not appear
that he had any explosives in his pock-
ct, but, ii he had.what would they have
awaited against such diplomacy?
A Connecticut manufacturer, it is also
reported, was approached by a wild
eyed individual only last week with a
demand for loan of 81, 800 He carried
valise in his left hand after the man.
her of the late NoRCRO5s, who visited
RUSSELL SAGE. and remarked that
something would drop unless his re-
quest were complied with. Did the pluto
crat lose his head? Not bit of it, He
promptly got out his check book, drew
sight draft OH the Sand Bank of Con-
necticut for the full amount and handed
1t over with ELUSIVE pOliteness. The
crank withdrew entirely satisfied, and
Is probably now trying to borrow a
hanERr7S HIrnOfnls.r ca ha no ind
where to get his treasure converted into
cash. Nothing could be simpler than
this plan; and. while both it and Mr..
GoULD'S method suggest little moral
ObliQuity on their part and a tendency
10 gull the gentlemen who have at
tempted to have business dealings with
them, craft of such sort is not altogether
ASSOCIATED with the careers of our
money princes, anyhow, and there is no
reason why the insane should not have
a taste of it, as we'll as people in their
right mind.
The GLOBE rehearSeS thus in detail
these schemes for Self-preservation as a
guide for our own millionaires, should
they have any occasion for their en-
plOyment. They are not bit better in
their Immediate results than the recipe
of Mr.. SAGE, but they are not so apt to
be followed by unpleasant effects. Mr.
SAGE'S prescription is this: In the mo-
ment Of greatest danger grasp some
faithful emplOye by the right hand, and
pull him deity and accurately between
you and your aSSailant. This is adj
mlrable for the time being, and insures
complete escape, except. perhaps. for
an eyebrow or some other minor per-
Sonal adOrnment. But trouble is pretty
certain to follow. After the clerk re-
covers bit, provided ne survives at all,
he may take it into his shattered head
TO begin law suit for damages, as Mr..
SAGE's clerk is about to do. He will be
beaten, OF course. because no complaint
setting forth such a claim could stand
against demurrer. The damages are
too remote. The efficient cause of the
disaster was the bomb, and not the act
OF the plutocrat. Milionaires have
right to shake hands just like ordinary
individuals, and the courts will protect
them against suffering for such COM
mendable exhibitions of courtesy. But,
while this is all true, it Is annoying and
expensive to be engaged in litigation.
Tactics OF the GOULD pattern are, on
the whole. the safest to follow.