The record-union., 1891-08-29
HOFFMAN'S Bette NOIR.
Mrs. Goose Attaches Herself to
His Camping Party,
And Manages to Make Life Miserable
for Them While In the Woods-A
Couch and Creates Scene in Camp.

A trip to the mountains in August is an
experience which is never forgotten by
the tired, worn-out and rundown peo-
pie who have been putting the screws
on" in the hot, dusty valley land for q
year or more. To them the hills, with
their heavy pines and oaks, shady and
pleasant canyons and cold, soft springs,
are Injuries beyond price OF purchase,
and only to be obtained by giving up, for
a little season, the everyday cares Of life,
which is just as it should be.
l have just returned from brief trip to
the hills of Ventura County. 1 was not
so tagged out as might have been, nor
in any great need of the experience / re-
ceived, but l found the trip one of un-
usual interest before it was finished and
L was safely at home again among the
gnats, mosquitoes, rattlesnakes and other
familiar features Of the Santa Clara Valley.
Our party was made up in hurry.
There was Mr.. X, his wife, three chill
dren of IL, and 5 years, myself and
Mrs. Goose. "Goose'' is not the old
lady's name, but I feel that some sort of
revenge is my due, and [ don't like to
come right out in plain English and say
" Il1G llCI IldlIlC Is. udNG DuJ NIS.
Goose after myself, because she was not
included In the original makeup of the
party. She invited herself, as it were,
and left it to us to furnish her with a tent,
bedding, provisions, books and other
camping accOuterments; and because of
this was compelled TO sleep on horse
blanket, with my boots for pillow and a
table-cloth, with Sunflowers on it, for a
cover. Therefore l was somewhat pre-
JUDGED against Mrs. Goose at the Begin
ming, and the succeeding events of the
trip did not remove that prejudice. In
deed, they made it wax fat and strong,
until there was war to the knife between
us-a series of battles in which angry
looks and very sarcastic and cutting re-
marks took the place Of gunpowder and
sabreS, and l know Mrs. GOOse-whO,
having served sixty years of apprentice
ship at fencing, with the lamented Mr.
Goose as target for the last twenty
must have thought my best strokes more
like the swipes an angry man might
make with very dull scythe at snake.
Where we pitched our tents l do not
know. 1t was in the hills, and there was
cold spring and a hot spring, and
little stream of water running out of
deep canyon, but the place had no name.
Other people who had camped there
recommended the spot to us, and we had
accepted 1t in preference to the hot sui
phur springs of the Matilijo, where there
is always a crowd Of tourists and one
really can't get anything like satisfac-
tory camping-Out experience.
Our journey from the Cienega to our
camping-place took up the greater part
OF decidedly hot day, and made quite
an impression upon me, it being nay lot
to sit on the tailgate of the dead-axe
wagon and let my legs hang over, take
care of the lunch basket, keep an eve on
the children, and see that Mrs Goose did
not flip up into the air and flop into the
road whenever the wheels struck a stone.
And for the latter service Mrs. Goose re-
warded me by constantly dropping her
spectacleS into the straw in the bottom of
the wagon, where fished for them with
the butt of fishing-pole, much to her
disgust, think, for she made several
illusions to donkeys, and fairly startled
Mr.. k by asking him what he
thought should be done with real smart
young men who left their good sense. if
they every had any, at home. Which
provoked the question Can a young
man who never had any sense, be real
smart"
But enough of that. What Mrs. Goose
said while we were en- route to the hills
does not matter at all. Having reached
the desired spot, Mr.. X and myself un-
loaded the wagon, pitched the tents, and
made fire, Mrs. Goose locating the fire
place for us by saying that no matter
where it was fixed it would "blow smoke
in her eyes" Then, when the fire was
burning brlskly, Mr.. k and l took
out our creels, lined our rods, and went
up the the stream to fish. And it was
while we were fishing that dear Mrs.
Goose endeavored TO make happiness in
the family. She said she just knew that
there We're bears and lions in the woods,
and that they would come down and eat
I hpu1 oil mn Nubiln fhn
called themselves protectors" We're
lallygagging along the river. She would
not allow Mrs. k to leave her an in
slant. She would not allow the children
to leave the camp, because she was afraid
they would be carried off by bears, or
buffaloes. She did not want the children
to remain at camp and play, because they
made too much noise, and she did not
want them TO sit still, because that made
her nervous. She was sure that there
were snakes lurking everywhere, and
she knew there was no snake medicine
in camp.
Blessed be old Mrs. Goose! She made
it interesting for us from the very first
moment Of our arrival at the springs. I
bad taken with me shotgun, and Mrs.
Goose declared positively that If that gun
was loaded somebody would surely be
killed, and If it was empty something
would dash into camp and eat US all up.
Mr.. k and Were not to 90 hunting,
because grizzly might happen along
while we were away from camp; and she
would not hear OF US stopping at the
camp, because she never could enjoy her
self with whole raft of men folks put
tering around" She protested loudly
that angling was cruel sport, and then ate
up all the best fish. She forbade any of
us bathing in the hot spring, because she
lntpnIp1 To nSp If hnrSalf-ap6 Inv ho
way, she never used it at all.
So much for Mrs. Goose at present,
Mr.. x is an enthusiastic geologist,
and knows all about rocks, crystals and
petritactions, while 1 know nothing
whatever about them. Mrs. k is a
thoroughly good, botanist, and 1 don't
know ragweed from lady's slipper.
Mrs. Goose knows everything. There
fore we got along nicely in some respects.
Mr.. k told me all about the tertiary,
the hereditary and epidemic periods, and
his wife explained to mo how it was that
there were some leaves lancelated
and others of a rhomboid form, and
every flower carried pistol loaded with
pollen; and Mrs. Goose contradicted it
all and kept things straight for us. AS for
the children, they padded in the water,
fell into the hot spring, ate strange ber-
ries and were sick afterward dug worms
for us, corraled a polecat and drove it
into camp just at supper-time, and made
themselves generally useful.
And now tor Mrs. Goose again. Really,
do not know what we should have done
without Mrs. Goose. That estimable old
lady insisted that / should make my bed
on a sandbank not far from her tent, in
order that any wild beast having designs
against her might find me first, and,
while regaling himself at my personal
expense, give the other members OF the
party chance to escape. To oblige her,
/ spread my horse-blanket on the sand,
and roasted there.