davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Force Of Habit.

Summer Boarder-Why. Mr.. Wheat
ley. what on earth is that gong doingo on
your pillow?
Mr.. Wheatley-Waal, ma'am, them
air horses my son Zeke bought from a
city railway comply. and the tarnel
critters won't bulge an inch till they
hears that signal, SO l have ter humor
'em.-Harper's Bazaar.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Hinder the Rose.

Wife, see you are advertising free
excursion, with lunch and a brass
band, to your sale of lots at Paradise
vile.
Husband Ia real estate agent)-Yes,
my dear, We'll have big crowd, too.
II should like to go. It will be de-
lightful trip. am sure"
1.-The ride will be pleasant enough,
my dear, but think how you will suffer
from the heat and mosquitoes when you
get there."-Good News.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Time to Stop Pooling.

DR.. Gruff Ito fashionable patient)-
It's merely the same old ailment, my
dear madam.
Mrs. Style-Oh. no. doctor; really
am i'll now.
DR.. Gruff-H'm! If that is really SO
I'll have to change the whole course of
treatment!-Leslie's Illustrated News
paper.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Could Not BE.

The simplest and most elementary
truths may be stated in such a way as
to possess something Of the charm Of
novelty.
"Why," said Mrs. Bronson. as the
clock struck, lit is only one o'clock.
thought it was two"
mo, num-" said Bridget, Its niver
later than one at this tonne Of day.
Harper's Bazaar.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

A GEORGIA man, IN selecting the ten
greatest men in history, has found nine
of them as follows: Moses, St Paul,
the Silent, Shakespeare, Cromwell.
Peter the Great and Napoleon. Gentle
men who are candidates for the last
place on the list will please send in
their names early and avoid the rush.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
His Dirty Well Done,

Mr.. Stalate-So your sister keeps yot
well supplied with pocket money. does
she?
Tommy-Yes
Stalate-I presume you have to rem
der some little equivalent.
Tommy (yawning)-Oh, yes. / have
to come in and yawn when visitors are
staying too late.-Yankee Blade.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Not Worth Consideration

Sappy-Miss Clara, do me a favor.
Tell me honestly just what you think of
me.
Clara Candid would, Mr.. Sappy,
but the fact is really never think of
you at all.-Chicago Saturday Evening
Herald.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Lust Possible.

"Do any street cars run on this
track?" she inquired. I'm a stranger
in Detroit If walk on will they over,
take me?"
"They may, ma'am-this is an age of
miracles" was the startling answer
Detroit Free Press.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
That Would Fix Them.

Wife-I'm terribly afraid of that band
of gypsies that came into the neighbor-
hood yesterday.
Husband-Well, If any of them call
here to-day get rid of them the best way
you can.
Wife-But suppose they won't go?
Husband-Oh, well; il the worst
comes to the worst just invite them in
and give them some Of that angel-cake.
Judge.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

The New York Journal of Commerce
says it is safe to declare that the prob
lem of how to get rich engrosses the
attention Of one-third of our popula-
tion, while the question of how to keep
out of the poornouse engrosses the at
tention of the other two-thirds. A lib
eral share of both classes are engaged
in the study of how to keep out of Jail.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
An Anti-Reyo,utionist.

Jawkins lin the menagerie) - It's
jolly odd, this wastefulness of nature.
Hogg-What now, Mr.. Crank?
Jawkins-Why, here's the kangaroo
with pocket, and nothing to put in it,
and the girl who's looking at the beast
has her handkerchief, gloves, purse and
umbrella in hand, and no available
poclSet.-Texas Siftings.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
The Height Of Exclusiyeness

Mrs. Hayseed-Talkin' bout airs, the
most airish. exclusive, stuck up thing
ever saw is that Mrs. Hayfork. on the
next farm.
City Geest-Proud, is she?
Mrs. Hayseed-Haughty as q prin-
cess. Why, she's SO stuck up she won't
take summer boarder til July.-Good
News.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

He-Well, we won't quarrel about it
any more, but just let it go as it is, eh?
Shelves. But, George, dear, for the
sake of the future-and a harmonious
future-I think you would better ac-
knowledge before we drop it altogether
that you were wrong! Don't you, dear?
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Easy Work.

swell, of all the ways of maxim a
livin'," said Binks. II think literature
is the easiest"
''TLe easiest?'
Eyes. I've watched the fellers that
do it. All q mans got to do is to sit
down and slide his pen over the paper.
jury.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
A short-Slrhted Man.

She-What do you mean. sir, by
speaking to me in the street? want
you to understand that am a respecta-
BILE married lady.
He-Excuse me, but I'm SO short
sighted that at first glance l cannot
distinguish a married lady from any
other lady.-Texas Siftings.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Called Back.

st. Peter Ito spirit How is this? I've
got it down that you left the earth two
days ago. Where have you been since
then?
Spirit-My wife called me back to
build fire in the kitchen stove.--Judge.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

By the death of Mrs Polk Mrs. Grant
and Mrs. Garfield become the only sur
viving widows of presidents. Mrs.
Tyler, the second wife of President
Tyler, died in Richmond in July, 1859.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
For Future Reference.
s your father wealthy?

FUF TuGure IS0H6FtuCos
He's your father wealthy?
She-Yes.
He's he old?
She-Very.
He-Mother dead?
She-Yes.
He-Is your temper good?
She-They say SO.
He-Well, Ill make memorandum
and perhaps may see you again before
the close Of the season.-Life.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Irresistible.

He-Ethelinda, be mine. am young,
well born
She-But, Mr.. Samson, / do not
He (refusing to be interrupted)-l
would care for You tenderly-
She Observation-Disclosures
He-And l have unlimited credit at
the principal dry goods stores.
She-Oh, Henry! am yours!-Mun-
says Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

The same day that Mrs ex-President
Polk died a letter was received at the
white house, Of which she was mistress
90 many years ago, directed to her,
scare of the white house.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
the day.

HUMAN life is valued at that of an
animals in some parts of the world. In
Ontario dog killed sheep the owner
of the sheep killed the dog, and the
owner of the dog killed the owner Of
the sheep
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

GEORGE WASHINGTON died shortly
after II p. m. Saturday, December IA,
1899, the last year of the century, the
last month of the year, the last day of
the week and within the last hour of
the dav
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Hard Lines.

Briggs-You know that old suit OF
mine? | sold it for ten dollars to-day.
Griggs-How nice!
Briggs-Not at all. ! had to take
the money and make the first payment
on my tailor's bill.-Clothier and Fur
uiShar
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Railroad Cooking.

Traveller lin dining car, fast expressly
Waiter, these eggs are too soft.
Waiter-S'prised to heah dat, sab.
Traveler-They were taken out of the
hot water too soon.
Waiter-Well, sab, I'll put 'em back
an let 'em boil another mile. sah.-N.
Y. Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

In the year 1919 there were born in
this country James Russell Lowell.
Charles A. Dana, Walt Whitman, DIR.
Holland and Julia Ward Howe. That
Is the birth year Of Queen Victoria also
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
A Natural Mistake.

Natural Mistake.
Hyde saw Charlie Fanshawe on
Michigan avenue this afternoon.
Parker-That's impossible, for Char
lie started for Europe yesterday.
Hyde-Well, then it must have been
some dude with dog and cane just
like his.-Chicago Saturday Evening
Herald.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
A Natural Consequence

Tom Barry-Sorry, old man, but
learned to-day that her mother objects
to you!
Jack Dashing-Good! From what
know of human nature, that will preju-
dice both the girl and her father in my
favor. I'm a lucky dog.-Life.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

Rev. E. A. Buck. of Fall River,
Mass, has signed his name to 1.O16
marriage certificates. lie boasts that
no knot he ever made has been united
save by death
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Deserved Royalties

Jasper-What do you think of that
for a fish story?
Jumpuppe-You should get it pat
ented.
Jasper-Why?
Jumpuppe-It is such a marvellous in
vention.-Harper's Bazaar.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

GREAT guns that require one thou
sand pounds of powder and carry ball
twelve miles are something Of terror,
but they will do q small amount of
fighting
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
No Possible Use

No Possible Use.
Good Sister tat revival meeting, to
young lady mourner)-Don't You want
Brother Jimpson to pray for you?
Mourner-No; he has prayed for me
time and time again. and l wouldn't
heed his prayer. I won't have him;
that's all.-N. Y. Herald.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

JESSE D. GRANT, the youngest son of
Gen. Grant. who has been living on q
large fruit ranch and farm in California,
has accepted the management of a
group Of silver mines in Mexico.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

THE United States has more miles of
railroad than all European countries
combined. The mileage in this coun-
try is 1865 miles, and in Europe i54,-
Sl3 miles
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

Small Boy-You're In love with my
| sister. aren't you?
Sappy-How do you know that?
Small Boy-Because you're always
sending her presents, just like Mr..
Brown. who's going to marry her
Munsey's Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
Unpopular Science,

Mrs. Won Gabb--What persons, doc.
tor, as class, are generally color blind?
DIR. De Gabb-Those who boast OF
ha v;nn hlna blood in their vains.-Puck.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
All q Boast.

"Men are not born free in this
country" said Willie. There amt no
worse bnlldozed slave in creation than
my baby rother."-Harper's Bazaar.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10

ployes without ample cause, and oppor-
tunity for defense. The ideal civil
service law has not yet been written.
The existing law is imperfect and
should be amended. SMITH u. FRY.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
The Wrong Measure.

Employment Agent-Those are fine
recommendations that CURL has, mum.
Shall send for her to come and talk
with you?
Mrs. Bronston-Is she tall or short?
Rather tall. mum; but"
us she fat or thin?"
'Rather stout, mum; q good, strong
-
SIS she stouter than amp"
'Oh. yes, mum, good deal"
''She won't do. She'd split the seams
Of every dress HAVEN. Y. Weekly.
The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1891-09-10
As SEEN ny UNACCUsToMED EYES.

Pat politely accosting lady with fash.
ionable trailing skirt Mum, | beg par.
don, but hadn't yez betther give yure
suspenders hitch?-Judge.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1891-02-09
NOTICE.

THE KAPIOLANI MATERNITY
Il Home has two rooms to accommodate
paying patients. Ladies of moderate
means who wish to secure home on rea
sonable terms, before or during the time
Of confinement, where the best OF food
attendance, nursing and medical skill will
be provided, will please apply at the Home
to Mrs. Miller the Matron, who will attend
to admittance, give terms or any other in
formation required.
Honolulu, Oct. 4, 1890. S3-3m
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
Somebody Was Waiting.

An amusing incident recently took
place in large drapery establishment
in London. Being told that every
thing could be bought much cheaper
and better in the metropolis than in
the little country town where she lived,
a good looking, honest faced girl, about
to be married. made the journey to
town, accompanied by her lover, to do
a little shopping. The magnitude of
the great shop, the piles and piles of
goods, the dazzling array Of articles,
the rows of busy assistants quite over
powered her. and she scarcely knew
what to do. Her swain obstinately re-
fused to go in, but loitered about the
door.
The shop assistants being all busy
Just at the moment, the young lady
was obliged to remain standing u few
moments. At length dapper fellow
with gold watch and chain and flour
shing mustache came bowling and
rmiling up to the blushing customer
with "Any body waiting on you, mad
am" The color deepened in hel
cheeks, as she hesitated and drew c
long breath, till finally, with a nod 0.
her head toward the door, she faltereC
out, Eyes, sir, he is. London Tit
Bits.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
Our Old Fire Company.

That was a gay old company that
we belonged to, Joe, away back in '6S
when you and | ran with the machine
Do you remember that big fire in Ho-
tel Row, one freezing night, when
fifteen people were pulled out of their
burning rooms and came down the
ladder in their night-clothes; and how
Dick Greene brought down two kids
at once-oue in his arms, the other
slung to his back He got the catarrh
dreadfully, from so much exposure
and suffered from it five years or more
We thought once he was going in con,
sumption sure. But, finally, he heard
of DR., Sage's Catarrh Remedy, and
tried it, and it cured him up as sound
as u flint. I tell you, Joe, that catarrh
remedy is n great thing. 1t saved as
good man and as brave a fireman as
ever trod shoe leather"
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
To Avoid the Jar.

Every one knows that sudden shock
or jar, as in leaping and jumping, is felt
less if the person rises at the moment on
his toes. A naval officer and a friend
were in the vicinity of a mine while
some blasting was in progress. At the
moment of the explosion the naval off.
Ger went through a series of peculiar
gymnastics. His arms hung limp at
his sides, his mouth was wide open, and
he stood on tiptoe.
What is it9 Are you hit by a stoneF
asked the friend trife anxiously.
No; just an old memory" replied
the officer. THAT was a part of my
manual of arms when l was on a man
of-war facing Vicksburg."
II don't understand" remarked his
friend.
'That is the way we used to stand
when we fired mortar" replied the
officer. 1T looked a bit curious al
first to see forty or fifty men standing
on their toes with their mouths wide
open. But we were instructed to do it.
and as it lessened the conclusion caused
by firing twenty-five pounds of gun
powder we fell into it as into any othel
regulation, and thought no more of it
1t did not seem ridiculous then, for i
was a part Of the art of war. YOUTH
Companion.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
An Old Saw.

1t is an old saying that "there is a
tide in the affairs of men which taken
at its fl God leads on to fortune"
which means that there are times
when if We avail ourselves Of them, we
may undertak the accomplishment Of
any desired object with greater Ger
tainty Of success .than ii commenced
mt any other time. Always have DR.
lytie Elixir tor DarrhWa in the
house, ) l.d It may be administered
al the right limr
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
The Budget and the Tower.

Those eccentric people who waste the
best part of their lives in discovering
utterly useless statistical facts found the
Eiffel tower a perfect godsend, and
even now they are not done with it.
After telling us how many such struc-
lures it would take to reach from Paris
to the sun, how many halfpennies piled
up would reach to the top, what the
tower would be worth if it were made
of gold, and making host of other
equally valueless computations, these
wasted genuses have broken out in a
fresh place.
One of them has discovered that the
amount of the French budget, if piled
up in one thousand franc notes, would
actually reach beyond the summit of
the tower. Ten million francs so piled
would be one meter in height; there
fore $500, 0O0 900 francs-the amount
of the budget-would reach a height of
$50 meters, or fifty more than the Eiffel
tower. London Telegraph.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20

UroRen by raising the lines and then
lowering them to position shortly be-
fore fixing upon points; but in this in
stance the distance was SO great as to
require several hours before the yibra-
ton of the lines would cease, even with
the hobs in vessels of mercury
The suggestion is made that the lines
might be freed from similar interior
ences by insulating the suspended ap-
paratus and the bob from the earth
and attaching a grounded electric light
circuit to the wire, relying upon the
dampness in the pit to give sufficient
conductivity to the cobwebs to cause
them to be scared by the escape when
any cobweb connected the earth to the
plumb wire. Cor. Engineering.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20

1t seems to have been shown that
the mere senses of criminals as class
are less acute than those of normal hui
man beings. Twice as many of them
in n thousand are color blind; they
have less acute taste: their power of
smell is less developed, and their hear
ing is not so acute Furthermore their
sensibility to pain is less, so that the
malefactor is apt to recover rapidly
from wounds which would be danger.
Gus or even fatal to the honest man.
Washington Star
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
La Grippe Again.

During the epidemic of La Grippe
last season DR.. Kings New Discovery
Tor Consumption, Coughs and Colds,
proved to be the best remedy. Reports
from all who used it confirm this state
ment: They were not only quick = re-
ieved, but the disease left no bad ritter
results. We ask you to give this leme-
dy trial and we guarantee that you
will be satisfied with the results or the
purchase price will be refunded. II
has no equal in La Grippe, or ANY
throat, chest, or lung trouble. Trial
bottle free at Mcfarland & Cos drug
'tore. Large bottle, &c. and 81 90.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
Modern Longevity.

About fifty years ago British physi-
clan maintained that it must be con-
sidered questionable if the existence Of
centenarians had ever been established
by sufficient proofs. Modern statisticl
have definitely removed that doubt.
According to the census of 1890 Prussia
had Sc centenarians, including % per
sons who had attained an age of los
years and upward.
In Austria Including Hungary LIS
persons had passed their hundredth
year; in France, 70; in Russia, POS.
The largest number Of Prussian cen
tenarians are found in Silesia and in
the Baltic province, while in Russia
longevity seems to increase southeast
of Moscow, circumstance due either
to the free and easy life, comparatively
speaking, of the southern Cossacks or
to the salubrity of the Caucasian high.
lands, with their large percentage Of
abstinent Mussulmen - Philadelphia
Times.
The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1891-08-20
A MAN, A GUN AND A MOOSE.
All Three in the Heart of the Maine
Woods, and Nothing Happened.

All Three in the Heart of the Maine
Woods, and Nothing Happened.
We draw off to the middle of the bay,
perhaps 600 yards across. The sun is
down, and in the dusk every stump re-
solves itself into deer You see white
tails and horns, and they move. But
at last stick back in the woods cracks.
That's the real thing Is it deerl Is
it a moose2 Is it coming in9 Another
crack then stiffness. Next in the wa
ter, way out in the woods is black,
dusky thing, really moving this time.
The boat starts of its own accord to
meet the black thing.
1t looks now like ram, for there is
something whitish about its odd head,
and it is "sloshing" through the water,
making noise you think must frighten
it out. It's no deer. It's too black.
You can't tell the size, for it seems in
definitely far off at a dream distance.
At last it stops, and standing well out
in the water begins to feed. You can
not remember how it got so, but it is
now II full grown black bull moose, six
feet high ut the shoulder, with enor-
nous Handicapped horns and a long
black pendant like lady's boa hang
ing from its neck
We are $50 yards off and the rifle is
cooked without click A hundred
yards, and instinctively and without
motion your left shoulder goes forward
and your right foot across the boat.
Now the moose looks up, a moments
glance at the log that has not been
there this summer. Shooting distance,
forty yards, and of itself the rifle is at
my shoulder and head low Oh the
breech glance along the barrel as
the white sight plays over that black
shoulder
1t is n curious conflict of instinct and
desire We hunt day and night mere
ly to see large game Yet the gun goes
to the shoulder, recognizing the com
mon end, rs il to prove you could have
shot it. The moose looks up again-f
longer look AS his head drops AGAR
the rife sinks to my knee, full cocl
still, barrel forward
You see moose is bigger than {
horse; it lils uncomfortable horns; It'll
very quick on it's feet; the water il
shallow in short, gun is q weapon o
defense and you rather wish it was {
cannon He stares at us now stupid,
and uneasily watches our approach
thinking, perhaps--'I never saw tina
log before. It's very queer log. I
gets larger, but it does not move.
wonder what that shiny stick is will
the round black spot in its white end
! don't like it. -y,,.s-
4 See here, moose, you're the bigges
sfthing in the world guess I'll go an,
poke it with my horns. can reach
in two jumps. | can't hear it, but
looks as if it could make noise. We'll
my great great-grandGather told me
stump barked at him one night and bi
n round hole in him like a fly bite, onl
bigger and worse, and guess I'll wal
D quietly out. y
So the moose carefully lifted one {
his big feet and put it carefully dow
with great splash, then another.
can't remember the rest till he was /
the woods. Boston Post.