The record-union. [volume] (Sacramento, Calif.) 1891-1903, 1891-12-30
ON THE ROAD.
Squink's" Experience in the Modern
Hamlet of FossiItown.
He Passes Lively Afternoon With
the Leading Citizen, Steals Horse
and Starts for Milpitas.
FossILTowy. December q. lS9l

FOSSILTOWN, Decem Der a, 1891.
EDS, RECoRD-UNIoN: AS we were
going by here the train stopped and I got
off. This was the first stop this side
of Midwife. The conductor offered to
help me OF, but I set fire to his breath
with match, and, as 1 say, l got off,
gradually.
After the fire the train pulled out and I
had charge of this petrified town.
knew all about this place by the looks
of it. then went around to the Post
office, which was in the rear of the one
horse Morgue, and waited at the delivery
window until q boy said the Postmaster
was out. l dug the information out of
the boy that the Postmaster ran the hotel,
the livery stable and the Morgue, and
that he was ''som' mer's round.'' / went
over to the stable and found him tying
horse out Of reach of some hay.
he said there was no mail for me, and
wouldn't be any tomorrow. The Post
Office was discontinued until he had time
to see to it. He couldn't do everything
himself. He never saw such q blue
birthstone of a town, and he kicked q cat
over the fence and went over to the hotel.
So, after awhile, | went over TO the hotel.
The Postmaster was behind the bar,
and showed out the customary catalogue of
dead advertisements for me 10 register in.
| Endorsed.
Then he said III bilious tone that he
had no room and wouldn't have any
board until his cook got back. He took
drink and went over to the stable.
After awhile l went over to the stable.
/ said: IF you'll fix me up a light,
double rig I'll drive over to simpsons
and back''
The p. NJ. landlord and all-round Cor
oner and Public Administrator SAID:
"GOt no rigs; all out won't be bacll.''
Then he took chew of tobacco, and
went over to the Morgue.
Alter awhile went over to the MOrgue.
/ said: of you are not busy [ wish you
would trim up II coed, safe coiiin and
prepare some embalnling fluid
lie said he had Iothin' on hand, and
! threw a screW-driYer at dog, and
went over TO the stable.
l took another look at the town. 1t
looked worse. Now, Pm the ''mildest
hammered man. since jim Bowie, and
patient as job; but Pm always loaded
for bear. So, after awhile, l went over to
the stable. | told the boy to come along
if he wanted some fun.
The leading citizen was Just going over
to the hotel, when / collared him. | moved
him so actively to a corner that he swal-
lowed his tobacco and had a dyspeptic
1li. lI1tll plA14GAA Ills lOSC VOW IL anu
his underjaw up, knocked his hat Off
and said impressiVely and distinctly:
''Sir-r-r, do you know who l am? Of
course not. Know anything? No. Will
you ever learn anything? Yes but it
will be the death Of you! Now, see here,
sir; you've lived in this little, old ossitied
town and ran it until YOU are hyDnotiZed
by your own importance and conceit.
y on think, if you have anything to do it
with that you are the constitution and
government Of the country; but, sir, you
are only a pure specimen OF absolute
nOnentity, Il mere bubble on the surface
of society; if pricked there l dug him in
the ribs with my index thumb, you will
exploded - Gle gaSped and looked da2Cd.) J
81 Just want to tell you who I am now;
I'm Eternal Revenue Inspector of Hotels.
Livery stables and Morgues: also, Post
Office Investigator, and President of the
PropTiety for the Extension Of Cruelty to
Animals, and the Illicit DispensatiOn Of
Adulerated Whisky, OF the Death Deal
ing 0leomargarine, Reprehensible Hash
and Bacterial Sausage. /, sir, am commits
sioned-commissiOne siT-by the Gov
/ eTnor Of oklahoma, to investigate the un-
official interment Of itinerant corpses, and
for the arrest and suppression of pseudo
morpheus undertakers Che shuddered); l
! have looked up your record, sir,
! (here | told the boy to saddle the
/ horse, and 1 am appalled, to find
the suspicious of the department
not only confirmed, but also substan-
/ tiated, by preponderous discoveries. |
| say, sir, / am appalled, to find you guilty
OF pseudomorphism, hyoscyamus timer
| acy and the dissemination of decidUous
sausage and alternating HASH You may
consider yourself under visible sury ell
/ lance until my return from the cemetery,
where your victims Of malpractice await
/ you. Gou may await me at the Morgue,
! but beware OF any attempt at recupera-
tion,! any other funny business"
! l here let him gently down, and gave
1 the boy a quarter to fan him, and rode
away.
Ifthe other fossils who gathered around
! had been alive, they might have taken
! the law in their own hands, but as they
are better at waiting than anything, they
/ viii awaitdevclopments
I viii return the horse from the next
/ town if [ can't sell him. ! never saw
! coin so scarce. SQUINK.
p. S.-Couldn't get a subscriber in this
community. Didn't try. S.