Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1891-10-01

Mr.. MELBOURNE's rain machine Is so
utterly failure that people down in
Ohio are said to have ceased laying
money by for rainy day.
THE new microbe that has been dis
covered on greenbacks and national
bank notes is far from being the only
parasite that lives on the public
money.
A TOWN in New York State has dis
banded its police force as being super
huous and idle. Was there no politics
there to furnish the coppers with en-
ployment?
If the hungry people over the water
viii learn more about corn, the hog,
and Boston beans, they can pad in
many vacant spots where the wheat
and rye fail to fill.
LIGHTNING struck q church down
South, and Knocked down fifteen good
people, while the wicked fellows out
In the shed playing cards were not
touched 1t happened so.
Missouri comes to the front with an
enormous crop of hickorynuts this
year, and there is no reason why the
editors of Missouri newspapers should
not fatten up considerably before next
spring.
THE statement seems incredible that
Japan has 9, 900 newspapers. A quar-
ter Of century ago they hardly knew
what q paper was. They are the
brightest people of their complexion
to be found anywhere.
THEY say that ont in South Dakota
men who are familiar with the local
customs always stop in at the court
clerks Office on their way to dinner to
see if their wives have procured q
divorce since breakfast.
Mrs. STAGa's biggest-on-record tar
pom has been mounted and will be ex-
hibited at the Worlds Fair. Do the
tarpon fishermen propose thus to per
nit a woman to carry off the honors in
sight of the nations of the earth?
TIE heading Of an item in a recent
Boston paper is @Ben Butler Alive and
Kicking" OF course, the latter part
of the heading was entirely unneces-
sary. Ben viii always be kicking
until Death gets him by the collar.
TIE porter of the Grand Pacific
Hotel in Chicago has retired with a
fortune of 500, 900, accumulated from
tips given to him by guests of the
house. The men who contributed it
are still struggling to keep the wolf
from the door.
Now THAT most of the nations Of the
earth are sending out expeditions in
search of the north pole. it may not be
wholly impertinent to inquire what
they are going TO do with it when they
find it. Doubtless it would come handy
In knocking down persimmons, but
wouldn't 1t be cheaper to shake the
tree?
ANOTHER decrease of fifty cents a
pound In the price of aluminium is an
nOunced, and another step is taken
toward the aluminium age when our
boats which do not navigate the air
viii go with the speed Of railroad trains
on the water, and when moth and rust
VIII not corrupt so promptly as in the
past.
THERE have been a half dozen at
tempts, within couple of decades, to
expatriate the negroes to Africa, and
somebody is reviving the old chestnut
The theory is well enough, but prac-
tically the scheme viii not work. The
negro does not want to go, and nobody
would put up the pile to send him ii
he did.
A NUMBER of doctors at New York
have been baffied in an effort to find q
nail swallowed by an infant. and have
cut the little one up considerably in
their search. In all cases of this kind
= woman doctor should be employed.
Such one would at once give the
child q hammer to swallow and thus
drive out the foreign substance.
SOME of our political economists ask
do we want Cuba ?" Certainly
we do. OF course we would rather
have Hayti, for they have more revo-
buttons to the minute there, but Cuba
has enough to make a very enjoyable
merry-go-roundf for such of US as don't
wish to go too fast, and we'd better
take it and get it in good order before
the Worlds Fair opens.
TIE pugilists who did not fight al
st. Paul recently have begun writing
letters to each other, and the Governor
of Minnesota Is now harassed by doubt
as to whether he would not have con
tributed more to the cause of humanity
by letting the fight go on The gladi-
ators in that event might have nearly
murdered each other. but as it is they
viii quite murder the English Ian
guage-
IMAGrSATIoN goes q long way in re-
lieving peoples ailments. A lady IN
Detroit has for the last six months reg
ulated the sir of her room by q glass
transom- When the room was too
close. she opened the transom TO admit
air, closing it at night to prevent
draughts and exclude noise. 1t worked
like charm until she discovered that
there had never been any glass in the
transom-
The Pennsylvania Legislature has
been considering bill that prohibits
the exhibition Of physical deformities
Is . source Of peouniAry gain, as some
of the freaks in the dime museums.
The Medical Record thinks that it Is
An unnecessary interference with the
comfort and weu-being of those un-
tortunates who find in the museums 4
means Of existence and perhaps even
pleasure. Where. for instance, could