The record-union., 1891-01-11
"BACKW0ODS BELLEs.u
THE CHARMING sc. C.,s,, GREETING
TO ssWALL FLOWER
Why ssNIe and Jack'' We're Not Mar
ried-Sparkling Items About
Lakeport.

Dear Miss Wall Floacer. I feel myself
highly honored to be allowed to make the
acquaintance of your illustrious self.
How seldom we are able to meet with
those who thoroughly understand US and
appreciate our poor efforts at literature,
and who are able to cope with the emana-
tions of our minds in an intelligent man.
ner. am fully conscious that am un-
derstood by at least one, and this blessed
assurance brings feeling of unutterable
satisfaction and rest to my mind.
You asked me to tell you all about my
wedding. Me and Jack were not married
as we had hoped to be, on account of the
fire on the night of December 18th. had a
perfect little poem of bonnet still at the
milliner's, which was cremated with the
rest of the things. 1t went silently float
ing over the placid waters of the lake, in
dense cloud of smoke, and was accom-
panied by poor Jacks mustache, per-
feet dream in itself, which he had left at
the barber shop to be dyed. You can i'm
agine with what conflicting emotions we
heard of our great loss. We have post
poned our wedding, because me and Jack
both think our marrying might conflict
| with my literary career.
ApropoS OF Jack, it seems to me your
| remark about the crookedness of Jacks
| legs was rather unkind. Are you sure
| your most respected pa isn't little bit
cross-eyed, and therefore not able to see
| straight? Let me assure you that Jacks
| legs are just as straight as your own
l suppose you know all about the fire.
You know it was first discovered by
young man of unquestionable character,
at 1l:45 P. NJ. What this young man was
n of
| am not prepared to say. He was evi-
| IDENTIFY so deeply engrossed in the solving
| of an intricate practical problem, with an
| old gentleman from whose house he was
| seen to come, that he did not note the
| flight of time. One good old lady who
has the happy faculty of finding out
| everybody's business, is dreadfully dis
! tressed because she can't find out where
the young man could have been so late.
| She has offered a reward to anyone who
will furnish her with suitable informa-
ton, 81 GOO in gold, years tuition in the
Lalleport Academy, her old hustle,
pair of hoops, her diamond ring and n
Swiss cheese. The scene at the fire was
| better than New Orleans "Mardi Gras.,
People were out in all sorts of fantastical
costumes; some decidedly neglige One
poor old fellow had. in his dazed, sleepy
state, put on his clothes wrong side be-
| fore, and consequently ran about mile
| III tlic OD.)DSlIC tllICCtlOIl from The IRE
before he discovered his mistake. He
| didn't stop to turn his clothes, but rushed
| back until he came to a halt at the Court
| House corner, where those who saw him
| thought the shock OF the fire had turned
| his head" and all the atten-
| ton heretofore bestowed on the
fire was generously given to him. Our
| who has an eye to business, immediately
| offered all his old clothes and beer checks
| to be allowed to travel with and exhibit
him in dime museum.
OF course you know we have a dancing
school and q writing class. / mention
the dancing school first, because it is of
more importance, to my mind, to know
how to dance than to write. The dancing
master has quite class of old maids.
young maids, married women and
| women who would like to get married,
and is initiating them into the mysteries
| OF The May dance. When they complete
their course they will be able to dance
anything from the Highland fling to an
Irish jig on a platter.
| You must be a Native Son or Daughter,
a most ardent worshiper of '"rerpsi-
chore," and you are considered an eli
gible party if unmarried; if married, you
are fitted to crown almost any position
| in life. IL you are neither of the above,
| you are like the man who fell out of the
balloon, you are mot in it," am not
Native Daughter; 1 was ''borned, in
Scabville, Pike County, Missouri, in the
year 1870. Pa says he is powerful glad
I'm not Native Daughter
Did you attend the "Old Folks'n con-
cert given at Somerset Hall? It was the
best concert ever given in Lakeport,
The elite of the town was there and those
who did not attend demonstrated very
strongly that we unhappily have class
here who don't take advantage of a good
thing when it is within their reach.
Our honorable Assemblyman left last
Monday morning for Sacramento to take
his seat in the Legislature and do great
things for Lake County. It is not posi-
lively known whether he shed his gum
boots (gun boats), overalls and Jumper or
not before leaving his ranch. The breth-
| rem from town will no doubt fully appre-
| ciate the barnyard aroma carried into the
legislative halls by the festive grangers.
Dear Miss Wall Flower, do come and
see me some times. Our combined efforts
in the field of literature may yet astonish
the world. Pm going to study 'Volapulx''
and then organize class here, and your
hearty cooperation would lend zest to
my undertaking. We might also start
class in modern sciences, give readings in
Shakespeare to select few and teach the
politicians the Australian system of bal
loting. Pm going to have DIR. SwayZe
inoculate me with DIR. Koch's lymph to
| take away my corns, which are a great
source of annoyance to me when dance.
Farewell, dear friend. My compliments
to your most respected ma and pa. Au
revoir. C. C.
Lakeport, January Z, 1891.