Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-01-04

membered what pleasant time you gave
me one day that I spent at your home in
Springfield and the drive we took in the
country, and thought I would return your
There was more to the same effect, but
General Malone remarks that when he
found that a man had actually been ap-
pointed to Office who had not asked for the
place, had not been suggested for it by any
human being, he wanted to go out under the
shade trees in front of the White House and
ponder over it while.
He Loved the Weed.
One morning a man came around to the
hotel at which I was stopping in o small
town in Ontario and asked if three or four
of us wouldn't step down to q house two
squares away and act as pail bearers at a
funeral, as large number of the citizens
had gone out of town that day on an excur-
sion. We went down and found the dead to
be woman, and as soon as we arrived her
late husband beckoned me aside and said:
"Ever SO much obliged to you. We won't
detain you long. Well have a very short
sermon here, and you needn't go to the
grave. Ever attend one before2"
''Oh, yes"
'Then I want you to post me. OF course I
feel bad"
"Yes,"
"And I'll show it more or less"
"Yes."
"But would it be in good taste ii chewed
tobacco while the sermon was going on?
could sit and squirt out of that open window
and not hurt any body, but my daughter is
agin it She says 1t would look sort o. cal
lus. Does the bereaved husband chaw, OF
doesen't he?"
"I think not"
well, then, won't; though I shall be
right alongside the window. It won't be
over half an hour, and l can sacrifice that
much for Mary. I can slip in a cud as We
leave the house, and slip it out afore we git
10 the grave, and, on the whole, shan't be
much behind. just go right into the parlor
and sit down, and make yourself to home. "
GOT AHEAD OF A PITTsBURGER.
zone of the most difficult things to sell is
whisky" put in salesman OF that COM
modify, at a little gathering of salesmen re-
ported in the Philadelphia Times. "There
was man in Pittsburg on whom had my
eye for years, but could never sell to him.
He invariably had good excuse to put me
of. 1 called on him one day last week.
Joe, I said impressively, after we had had
drink, I came to sell you some whisky.
You remember you promised to buy from
me on my next trip
"'Indeed 1 should like to- was the re-
joinder, but I've just received 20 barrels
and my cellar is chuck full.
"'WeIl, buy q few barrels more plead
ed; you can always find room for say five
barrels.
"Joe took an oath that he was anxious to
buy from me, but his cellar would not hold
another keg.
IF had the room,' he said, 'I'd give
you an order quicker'n lightning
II was seized by a sudden inspiration. I
went out, hunted up q real estate agent and
rented cellar for year. Then took the
lease to Joe.
"'Now, old man. said, you've got all
the room you want. I'm ready for your
order I got it, too."
It Got Too Hot for Him.
As he entered the car at East Buffalo he
saw at 3 glance that there was one seat, with
q young lady in il, and he marched straight
down the aisle, deposited his grip and over
coat, sat down and familiarly observed:
II entirely forgot to ask your permission. /"
"That's of no consequence" she replied.
"Thanks. Travelling alone, eh?"
almost, but not quite. MY husband is
in the smoker, my father and brother are in
the seat back of us. and the two gentlemen
across the aisle are my uncles. The con.
juctor, who is a cousin of mine, has just
gone forward, but will return soon, and ]
will introduce you to my aunt if you will 70
back few Seats"
"Awl Awl seel' gasped the man, and
the floor of the car suddenly became so red.
hot that he picked up his baggage and his
feet and Lit out for the next one ahead. So
says the New York Sun.
Swear Words in Advance
"Some people are close, for fact" the
artistic liar and whilom salesman OF notions
began, according to the Philadelphia
Times. 'Last year I called ON new con.
concern in Omaha, and by dint of unlimited
treatment to high-price cigars and drinks, ]
managed to sell the proprietor bill of un.
derwear. There was barely IL per cent
profit in it. The bill was promptly paid,
but instead of the customary z per cent
Mr.. L. had deducted 10 per cent discount.
He wrote short note as follows:
GENTS: Enclosed find check for bill of the
18th, less 10 per cent. Hoping this Is satisfac-
tory. am ditto, ditto. ditto. Yours etc,
"Some strong invectives were used when
this letter was opened by my firm, but it
was first bill and Omaha was a long way
off SO we determined to say nothing. Last
week called on Mr.. L. again and sold him
another bill. Look here said, when we
talked Of dating, last time you deducted 10
per cent If you take off more than per
cent in future. back goes your checkr Mr..
L. appeared satisfied.
"'Now, tell me, asked, what did you
mean by writing ditto at the end of your
letter.
"I'll tell you in confidence said Mr.. l..
i knew when your firm received my check
they would do some tall swearing and would
consign me to the internal regions; so Just
put in ditto, ditto, ditto as a mild re-
joinder.'"
Philadelphia Can't Get Over It
The street car is still prolific of episodes,
gravely asserts the Philadelphia Inquirer.
1t was a citizen of Haddonfeld who had not
been to town for few years and celebrated
the event. He got into traction car to 90
to West Philadelphia. and after riding a
few squares, turned to a fellow passenger
and hazarded the opinion:
Say. old man, I'm pretty full, amt I9"
Yes, my friend, you seem to be loaded
to the muzzle."
'That's SC" added the New Jersey gen.
tleman. 'T'm so full can't see the length
of this car. I've been looking out of that
front window for five minutes and vow I
can't see the horses"
SKATING ON THE ROOFS
The Fad Of Kinks Next the Sky L Likely to
Spread Somewhat.
Times.