The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-12-18
ELI PERKINS'S NEW BOOK
IT Is A LIVELY ONE AND IS NAMED
THIRTY YEARS OF WITT
A Few Quotations From n Tho Pop-
uI"r Humorist soy. That Tie Has Bcen
Telling Good and Had storie. for 30
Years and More.


Telling Good and Had storie. for 30
Years and More.
The ever young Eli Perkins informs
the public that he has been for 30 years
telling and hearing good stories. and in
his new volume, Thirty Years of Wit"
he gives the best of those that he has
heard aud of those that he has told
"Whcn | asked Bill Arp one day if he
really killed many Yankees" says Mr..
Perkins, he said:
"Well, ] don't want to boast about my
self, but killed as many of them as they
did of me-"
Mr.. David Welcher tells me-" saws
Eli Perkins, "that Mark Twain. when in
good humor, told him the story of his
courtship, and how he won his beautiful
and wealthy wife. She was Miss Lang
don, of Elmira. When Mark first met
her he was not so distinguished as now :;
his origin was humble, and for some
years of his life he had been n pilot on
the Mississippi River. The future Mrs.
Clemens was q woman of position and
fortune; her father judge, and doubt
less expected family and social inpor-
tance in hs son in law. Clemens, how
ever became interested IN his daughter,
and after while proposed but was re-
jected.
"'Well. he said to the lady, L didn't
much believe you'd have me, but
thought I'd try.
After a while he tried again, with
the same result and then remarked, with
his celebrated drawl, L think a great
deal more of you than if you'd said
Yes, but it's hard to bear A third
time he met with better fortune, and
then came to the most difficult part Of
his task-to address the old gentleman.
Judge, he said to the dgnfied mil
lionaire, have you seen anything going
on between Miss Lizzie and mer
"'What? whatT exclaimed the Judge,
rather sharply, apparently not under.
standing the situation, yet doubtless get.
ging glimpse Of it from the inquiry.
"Have you seen anything going on be-
tween Miss Lizzie and meT
"'No, indeed replied the magnate
sternly. No, sir, have not
"'Well, look sharp and you will,' said
the author of Innocents Abroad and
that's the way he asked the judicial lum.
mary for his daughters hand"
Eli Perkins asked the Rev. SAM
Jones:
"'Do they ever answer back to you
from the audience when you talk so saw
agely?
"'Yes, often. Every now and then
burnt sinner will squeal. Sometimes
they get good joke on me too. One day,
in st. Louis, continued the preacher,
laughing, an awful funny thing hap
pened. l had been attacking the gam.
bers and drunkards for an hour, and |
said a drunkard was lower than dog.
Just then a shabby, blear eyed man
arose tremblingly and started to leave
the church.
~"Stop! young man, said. "Stop!"
1.-The young man stood still, with a
thousand eyes on him.
e" If you'd rather 20 to hell than hear
me preach just go on"
"" Well, replied the man, after a
pause, II believe I'd rather" And out
he went"
IL was talking one day" says Eli Per.
kins, with Mr.. Depew about demand
and supply said the price of any com.
modify is always controlled by the de-
mand and supply
Mot always, Eli, said Mr.. Depew;
demand and supply don't always govern
prices. Business tact sometimes governs
them
"'When,' | asked, did an instance
ever occur when the price did not depend
on demand and supplyF
"'Well said Mr.. Depew, the other
lay stepped up to German butcher,
and out of curiosity asked:
-" What's the price of sausages?"
""Dwenty cents bound, " he said.
"'"4 You asked 25 this morning, re-
Piled
""Ya, dot vas ven had some. Now
amt got none | sells him for dwenty
ends. Dot makes me repuda tion foi
selling cheab und dond lose nod ings."
"'Gou see, said Depew, laughing, Il
iidn't want any sausage, and the man
''''' NV '''N nv VI supply,
and still the price of sausage went down." |
After telling us no end of funny stories |
I'll Perkins says: ANY one can write |
lumor who will sit down and write the |
honest truth. There is no Imagination |
II humor, while wit is all Imagination. |
IL have known kind of half sad hui
nor said Eli Perkins, where Two earn
st people misconstrue each others |
thoughts. once heard of a dialo4ue he
Ween Il sweet, dear old clergyman in Ar-
,au-as and an iIIterate parishioner,
which illustrates this idea.
"'Nour children have all turned ont
yell | reckon, sal the Clergyman, as he
at down to dinner with the par-nioner
le had not seen in church for several
ears.
"Well, yes, all but Bill, poor fellnr.'
"'Druuk Ticker, | reckon, said the cler-
lyman sowowiul,y,
"Oh, uoi never drunk no lichr but
iaiu't amounted to nothin', Bill was de-
civod, am il uint him
"Love affair; Married out Of the
hurch, maybeY