Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-01-22
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.


Brought Him Around-Why He Was
whipped-Cause of the Muss-Aii
Right, ETC., etc.
BROUGHT HIM AROUND.
Boarding house Mistress-I thought
you said your appetite was poor when you
| came here2
Greedy boarder-It was, but starvation
has got in its work.
| WHY HE WAS WHIPPED.
Ethel Ito her younger brother, who
had been whippe0 Don't mind, Bruz-
ger, don't mind.
Brother between his tears)-That's
Just what was licked for, not minding.
CAUSE OF THE MUss.
Daughter" said Mrs. Bellows, indig-
nantly, after John Jimpson had taken his
departure, Show came your hair so disar-
ranged?"
Il shook my head 50 much while he
was trying to get me to say yes" re-
piled the quick -witted girl.-[Epoch.
ALL RIGHT.
"see heah, Galley, did you call me a
a common ass?'
"No, Snobbuton, said you were an un-
common ass"
SAW, that's different cawn't stand
having anybody call ire common
y'know. - Epoch.
JUST THE OPPOSITE.
"My DEAR" began Mr.. Bloobumper.
"Don't call me dear" snapped Mrs.
Bloobumper; "you made me feel very
cheap by contradicting me before the
company while ago."
THEN THE BARBER PUT ON BLACK.
He came in the barber's in such dread
full state of nervousness that the barber
locked up the razor.
"What's the matter?' he inquired,
holding a milestone behind him in case
of any outbreak.
"Why," he answered in an agitated
whisper, II have Just noticed my hair is
turning gray"
ooh, that's nothing"
eyes, not much to you, perhaps, but
feel that bad about it I'm ready to
dye" Philadelphia Times.
FLAT FAILURE.
Selma" venturcd Noah Count, chow
would you enjoy living in fats'
"Not at ALL" snapped Mrs. Count.
"After living with one all these years /
prefer to go out of the flat business"
THAT STRANGE BOY.
'Tis now the chilling winter winds so
very fercely blow,
They nearly freeze boy to death who
has to shovel snow.
To make him clear the walks, poor boy 4!
seems very like crime,
He can't stick at it longer than five min
utes at time.
And yet--of course it's very strange and
still it's very true
| You'll really be surprised to learn what
that poor boy can do.
| For though while shoveling snow the
cold may freeze him right away,
Just give him skates and ice and he can
stay out doors all day.
-[Chicago Herald.
TIMES CHANGE.
"Ahl so it goes" sighed the ice man
as he half rose from his seat in the car
and then sank back again.
"What is it?' was asked by an &C.
quaintance.
"Did you see that man make up face
at me as we passed."
''Yes.n
"Well, he's butcher, and uses 40(
pounds of ice per day. Last year at thi
time he was sending me up some roast:
of beef and tickets to the theater. "-[ De
troit Free Press.
HIS IDEA OF BLISS.
Mr.. and Mrs. Cooper do not get along
well together. She is not to blame, fo
he is always saying spiteful things. Fol
instance, when she happened to say that q
murderer had been sentenced for ninety
nine years in the Penitentiary, he re
marked:
"Well, he's in good luck"
''How so2"
''He will have quiet time of it until
hegets out, and then he will be too old
tomarry."-LTexas Siftings.
oMELETIC.
'Isn't that omelet rather oyerdone, >
said the guest.
"Yes, sir" said the waiter, a gentle
man recently from Boston. 'It is ova
done. Anything clsel"-[C Chicago Tri-
bune.
THE DIFFERENCE.
'Here, sir, is fine silver watch for
SIS. Here is another equally as good for
$40"
whats the difference between
them2n
"Five dollars. " Jewellers Circular.
NO ARRESTS.
Indignant Citizen-Don't you see those
two boys down there smoking cigarettes,
Why don't you arrest them?
Policeman--Fact is, Mr.. Taxpay, one
of them is my son, and the other is your
son.
Citizen - Um - er very pleasant
weather we're having.-[Good News.
EXPERT TESTIMONY.
Judge Ito witness) Who are youl
Witness (who is physician)-I am an
insane expert, your Honor.
Judge with dignity)-Oh, you arel
Well, get out of this. We don't want
any crazy people giving testimony in
this court. IL Washington Star.
SYNDICATE POEM.
Gwendolin-Horace Fassett sent me
to- day lovely compliment in the shape
of poem.