Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1891-03-26
MATRIMONIAL WHISPERS.

MATRIMONIAL WHISPERS.
Hard Trials of the Youthfai-Benedict Who
Is Forced to Raise a Beard.
When a beardless man takes unto
himself a wife, in nine cases out of ten,
forty-eight hours do not elapse before
she says in the sweetest tones that she
can command:
Charlie, darling" or "Freddie, DEAR
as the case may be, ''please let your
whiskers grow. You've no idea what
an Improvement it would make in your
looks
1t is in vain that Charlie, darling. or
Freddie, dear, expostulates, and says
that his entire life has been spent in an
endeavor to grow beard, and then goes
nnshaven for three days, giving dem
onstration that would be considered
ample proof by any jury of sensible men
that he can not raise beard.
But his persistent wife can not un-
derstand why it is, and insists that he
can raise hair where there never were
even traces of hair, and where his face
rs as bare and smooth as it was on the
day he was born.
lie pleads that the last time he at
tempted to raise hair on his face it grew
In llttl: patches resem bling so many
horseshoe nails punched together, sep
arated by stretches of smooth skin,
Were the hair would not and never did
grow. Or else that it gave his face the
appearance of being adorned with a
ragged, brown fringe. 1t is of no use
madam will not be convinced. She in
sistS that he can raise a beard, despite
his strongest protests to the contrary.
Other men can raise them, and so can
he. She wants beard on his face; she
has set her heart on it, and that beard
has got to be grown. That is all there
is to it.
The man knows what it is going tc
result in as well-when he makes up
his mind Tor his wife makes up his mind
foc him) to let it grow-as if it were al
ready on his face. But what must be,
must be; and SO the beard is started.
1t comes out in terrific abundance di-
rectly under and just over the curve of
the chin. Then there is wide, vacant
stretch of hairless face to the mouth,
except for a sicl<ly little patch of horri-
ble-loolxing hairs just under the lower
lip. 1t starts out nobly directly under
the jawbones and makes a ridiculous
along the edge of the jaw. His cheeks
are perfectly bare, except for an occa-
Sional single hair, very blonde, which
shoots up from his check. like solitary
weed in n desert of sand.
AS his wife's beard lit isn't his-he
wouldn't own it) grows longer, his jaws
begin to take on very fringy appear
ance, as if they had been dampened and
sprinkled with dust and short hairs.
The prolific growth under the chin be-
gins to lean affectionately toward the
right side of the neck, and every effort
to brush it to a standing position proves
fruitless. Finally, the poor man finds
IL large growing bunch of darlz-brown
hair on the right side, just under his
chin, while the hair on the left side
seems to glory in reaching round to
Join the big bunch On the right side. In
the meantime, the hair on one side of his
face, directly in front of his ear, by a
hard struggle, has just been able to
make connections with the hair of his
head, while the other side has appar-
entity given up the struggle and is dis
connected by blank patch an inch
wide.
| 1t is in vain that he calls the atten-
zion of his devoted wife to the fact that
he looks more and more like a monkey
every day. She puts her arms about
his neck and insists that they are grow
ing lovely" and that he does not know
how much better he looks. He knows just
how much worse he looks; but he dare
not dispute her for fear of hurting hel
feelings. If he We're by himself, on
desolate island, he would not care. He
could stand the strain patiently, but
when he goes about the city, he hears
his friends smiling remark:
why, you are growing beard since
saw you last, Charlie. Does the vino
blow through them much?'' Or, whe1
he is greeted with ''Ah, there, Wits
kers!' he realizes that different people
see with different eyes. He asks hi:
darling wife just to allow him to shave
the side of his face, to give little tone
to his chin-whiskers. But she protest.
stOutly, and accuses him of not loving
her, and insists that he has not give1
them chance, and that they will come
out in time. So he just gives in. ant
for the sake of a happy home and {
contented spouse, he passes his post
honeymoon days in continual state
of hearing himself called ''Whiskers'
by all his friends-eXcept one.-N. Y
Sun.