The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1891-07-31
The Vail of a FOrlOrn LOYer

Editor of the COLUMBIA HERALD:
NV wife-my model wife-where is
she? The busting, telephone and
electrical mRrts of the world say "She
is non est.n The verdant and calm,
life-inspiring country side breathes
forth "LOOk elsewhere. o, suscepti-
BILE youth, for thy paragon.
The dark and blue unsympAthetic
ocean roars back "Hie thee, to celes-
tial spheres, for such as thou WOulust
wed, is not"
And wheresoever turn the same
answer is given to my eager question,
"Where is my souls Own?" Is II
that all those blessed benedicts, who
have gone before, have gObbled all
that we're worth my while?
Is there no balm in Gilead, no hope
for the searcher for the Unknown,
who is doomed to pass her earth y
DAYS in sweet cOmpaniOnship with
me-mending my socks?
Must 1 pass the few remaining
DAYS of my life unIOved, uncared Tor
and forlorn, because there are 80 Few
of her?
Now, she that would wed Is not
an impossible she, though, no doubt,
her counter part may be in the clouds.
She must be ugly; 80 much 80 that
she will be the observed of all OBJ
servers land will be noticed In g
crowd, and when we take our walks
abroad together my own manly
beauty may shine out moro glorious
ly by the contrast.
She must have tongue loose at
both ends, SO that no one, much less
myself, can get in a word edgeWlse; ;
aud so gossiPy that all the women
will vote her charming and enter
taining. II she has passion for
meddling in other peoples business,
and poking her prOboscis into their
skeleton closets, and is fine dis
semiuator OF rich bits of scandal-so
much the better, for then her name
will be on every tongue, and 1 will
enioV many an hour OF quiet Joy
'when the chickens come home To
roost," and the old woman IL trying
to explain, while from cOnven-
lent position in the attic can watch
all the fun.
She must come to me penniless,
with no prospects, so that when go
TO my daily arduous duty OF
whiting a dry-goods box, or watch
ing with anxious eye the good old
ship of government lest she run upon
thesunseen rocks that hourly sur
round her, may know that my bet
ter-half is keeping the wolf from Tie
door with her needle and wash board.
She must be fond of society, be able
to play any game of cards, and know
a 2:2O trOt from n 3 minute pace, so
that she may pass her evenings with
out enRui, and may replenlsh our
mutual exchequer by her Judiclous
Hdraws" and fine knowledge OF
horse-flesh. She must be lover OF
shopping and often on the streets, so
that she may have plenty of exercise
and fresh air, and when l take my
evening drive she will be too tired, oil
have to make up in her household du'
ties for the precious golden hours OF
the morning wasted in flirting with
the clerks or in useless efforts to hnd
a suitable dress pattern.
She must not love home, as thai
might keep her too closely confined
and she would not have any opportu
nity to display to wondering world
her sweet insinuRting ways OF getting
at a scaudsI, or her fine flow o.
snirits and words, whereby she keep:
her whole neighborhOod in continue
uproar and has things lively arOunC
her. -,
tform so fair that like the air It's les
of earth than heaven" or words t
that effect, for beauty of person, il
fleeting, and skin-deep.
7 no not care for brOnesque hair
from whose shimmering gloss. thu
snnshine is reflected as on the gloss!
sea. for it will be harder to keep it 81
and my drug bill will be thereby ma
teriaIIy increased; nor do care 10
teeth whose perfect ivoryness rival
Golconda's pri ,eless pearls, Tor the.
Vii beoome as snaggled as my own
What care for eyes Of blue, from
whose azure depths long draughts o
love may be d. unkl or for those o
i;nn,d brown, which haunt the de
sSded mortal, constantly coming be