Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-11-15
Solace for the Feelings Of q Drug
gist Who Was Called Out of Bed
LYING BOUT BETWEEN DRUMMERS.
A Bit Of Intellectually That Escaped
Among the Crysanthemums.
THE DARK SECRET OF A POKER GAME
WRITTEN FOR THE prsrircH,,


Of idiotic questions that stupid people ask
him. as If he were paid by the city to run
public information bureau. A day or two
ago, though, he told mo that he had been
made very cross the night before. He was
reused BY violent ring at his night bell
just after midnight Putting his head out
of the window, he asked: "Who' there?"
'cMe,n answered a child's voice.
"Well, what do you want?"
''Our baby's got an awful stomach-ache,
was the reply, "and mother wants cents
worth of paregor1c~
''Oh, she does, eh? Well, do you think
I'm going to get up for cents?''
IT dunno" piped the young one, 'fbut I
had to git up for nothin'."
She got the paregorio
Human Nature and Medicines.
This same apothecary tells me that there
are great many people that would rather
take patent medicine that they don't know
anything about than be prescribed for with
out charge by the best doctor living, and
that they'll believe any yarn that patent
medicine owners can make up. Two drum
mers for new quack medicines dropped in
on nv friend at the same time one day and
wanted him to take q lot OF their stuff on
sale. OF course each medicine was war
ranted to cure anything, from headache to
consumption. and they had written testi-
monials to back them up. One OF them
read of the following,
DEAR SIR-six months ago had the mis-
fortune to fall from the top OF f1ve-story
house, breaking most OF the bones In my
body and injnrng myself internally TIN In
care Of distinguished physicians for some
time. but got no relief until q friend sent me
q bottle Of your invaluable medicine. ielt
better from the first day after taking 1t. and
within fortnight was as good as new.
Went Him Several Points Better.
The drummer thought that letter printed
in circulars would be catching advertise
ment and the apothecary agreed with him,
saying that the bigger the yarn the more
likely people would be to swallow it.
"Just what think" said the other drum
mer. getting out his documents, $50 just
listen to this one, it's q daisy that leaves
all the rest of the garden bowling wilder
ness. Get onto it now:
DEAR sR.-I had the misfortune to be
born without either lights or liver. and often
of one or the other of these useful organs.
sample bottle of your medicine was left at
my house one day. and the first two or three
doses made me feel like new man. l went
on taking It, and now l have lo-pound
liver-and electric lights
The first drummer was so used up by this
certificate that he went out of the business
and Joined the church.
At the Chrysznthemum Show.
The big crysanthemum show last week
was the biggest thing of the kind ever held
l.. L. n 49,. al - H.
know all about such things. Twas the big
gest kind of beauty show, too; 1 didn't
need anybody to tell me that, for I was
there myself [P. ST. was not one of the
exhibits. Women have a heap more sense
than some men give them credit for, and
one point Of it Is that a pretty face never
looks prettier than when It is bending over
lot Of flowers
A good many young women played hearts
at that show, and the young men lost
every time. Girls don't know everything,
though; there was one sweet young thing
at the flower show who went into raptures
over almost every thing that the orchestra
played, so the young man who was warming
himself by the light Of her eyes began to
talk to her about music.
'How do you like Wagner" he asked.
(This is always . safe question to ask when
you want to get up long talk with any
body who cares for music)
''Oh, not bit" said the sweet thing. IT
never take Wagner when can get Pull
man."
Then that young man retired within him.
self for the space of FIVE minutes, and the
band did not play ':Annie Laurie"
Lesson in Stock Dealing.
I happen to know a lot of young fellows
who thought they knew just how the stock
market was going during the recent awak-
ening, and most of them were so far off that
they don't know how they are going to get
out with enough money to seethem through
the winter They fell to talking about 1t at
breakfast o day or two ago at a pleasant
little restaurant where I frequently take
my rations, and finally ono of them did me
the honor to ask my advice. As the only
stock 1 ever put any money into is that
which is in the soup take at dinner
couldn't give them any points about the
street, but I told little story that a lot Of
fellows who hang about Wall street will
have to lay to heart before long.
A lively youth was playing baseball one
day and his father had gone out to see the
game. The youngster was making q run,
and was half way between first and second
base when the pitcher came for him with
ball. The boy yelled: "Father, what shall
I do?" "Compromise, my son, compromise"
replied the old man
The Man Who Went Out West
If some of the fellows who have been
down in 'the street" don't take this advice
their visible surplus will be in the condi-
tion Of the mortal part of MI. John Jones,
who went out West to look at some mining
property, and whose family afterward were
Informed by telegraph that he was dead.
"Please send on the remains" the SORROW
full relatives wired, but back came the mes-
sage, 'There sint no remains. He met
bear"
There's been great deal Of growing In
political circles here about the way some
things went at the last election, and each
side has been telling about men of their own
party who made the mischief THEY'RE in
the state of mind of q colored gentleman
who one evening freed his mind at poker
table. He and several friends had met
everv Wednesday night for years, for
quiet little game; they d all played squarely
and cautiously, so no one was much ahead
or behind, in the long run. When they
took one-eyed man into the crowd, how
ever, everybody began to lose-everybody
but the man with only one eye.
The Mystery of the Game.
Finally they skinned their eyes and
found out that the one-eyed man was'wear-
ing cards inside his sleeve 'And the same
with intent to deceive" as truthful James
remarked in familiar poem. They talked
1t over among themselves, and finally one
evening, after they were SO thoroughly
cleaned out that there wasn't the price of a
beer In the crowd, one Of the members re-
marked:
"Gen linen, things aint as dey used to be,
yo &C do ~ 20 he VI 60 nd Aapa