The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1891-12-24

worse, ana just as new II IL WASH worn
out. Bid for the working model of the
old Cheap Jack, who has drunk more
gunpowder tea with the ladies in his
time than would blow the lid off washer
womans copper and carry it as many
thousands of miles higher than the moon
as naught nix naught, divided by the
national debt, carry nothing to the poor
rates, three under and two over. Now,
my hearts of oak and men of straw, what
do you say for the lot? Two shillings, a
shilling, tenpence, eightpence, sixpence,
fourpence. Twopence? Who said two
pence? The gentleman in the scarecrow's
hat? am ashamed of the gentleman in
the scarecrow's hat. really am ashamed
OF him for his want of public spirit. Now
I'll tell you what I'll do with you. Come!
I'll throw youth working model of an old
woman that was married to the old Cheap
Jack so long ago that, upon my word and
honor, it took place in Noah's ark before
the unicorn could get in to forbid the
banns by blowing tune upon his horn.
There nowl Come! What do you say
for both? I'll tell you what I'll do with
you. don't bear you malice for being
so backward. Here! If you make me
bid that'n only reflect little credit on
your town I'll throw you in warming
pan for nothing and lend you a toasting
fork for life. Now, come, what do you
say after that splendid offer? Say two
pound, say thirty shillings, say a pound,
say ten shillings, say five, say two and
six? You don't say even two and six!
You say two and three? No. You
sha'n't have the lot for two and three.
I'd sooner give it you if you was good
looking enough. Here, missis! chuck
the old man and woman into the cart,
put the horse to, and drive 'em away and
bury 'emt'
Such were the last words of Willum
MarigoId, my own father, and they were
carried out by him and by his wife, my
own mother, on one and the same day,
as ought to know, having followed as
mourner.
My father had been lovely one in his
time at the Cheap Jack work, as his dy-
ing observations went to prove. But
top him. don't say it because it's N.Y.
self, but because it has been universally
acknowledged by all that has had the
means of comparison. have worked at
it. have measured myself against other
public speakers members of parliament,
platforms, pulpits, counsel learned in the
law-and where have found 'em good,
| have took bit of imagination from
'em, and where I have found 'em bad,
have let 'em alone. Now I'll tell you
what. mean to go down into my grave
declaring that of all the callings ill used
in Great Britain, the Cheap Jack calling
is the worst used. Why amt we pro-
fession? Why amt we endowed with
privileges? Why are we forced to take
out hawker's license, when no such
thing is expected of the political hawk
ers? Where's the difference betwixt us?
Except that we are Cheap Jacks and
they are Dear Jacks, don't see any diff
ference but what's in our favor.
For look here! Say it's election time.
am on the footboard of my cart in the
market place on Saturday night. put
up general miscellaneous lot. I saw:
SNOW here, my free and independent
voters, I'm going to give you such a
chance as you never had in all your born
days, nor yet the days preceding. Now
I'll show you what I am going to do
with you. Here's pair of razors that'll
shave you closer than the board of
guardians; here's a fatiron worth its
weight in gold; here's a frying pan arti-
ficially favored with essence of beef
steaks to that degree that you've only
got for the rest of your lives to fry bread
and dripping in it and there you are re-
plete with animal food; here's genuine
chronometer watch, in such solid sill
yer case that you may knock at the door
with it when you come home late from a
social meeting, and rouse your wife and
family, and save up your knocker for
the postman, and here's half dozen din
ner plates that you may play the GYM
balls with to charm the baby when it's
fractions. Stopl I'll throw you in an
other article, and I'll give you that, and
it's rolling pin; and if the baby can
only get it well into its mouth when it's
teeth is coming and rub the gums once
with it they'll come through double, in
fit of laughter equal to being tickled.
Stop again! I'll throw you in another
article, because / don't like the looks Of
you, for you haven't the appearance Of
buyers unless I lose by you, and because
I'd rather lose than not take money to-
night, and that's a looking glass, in
which you may see how ugly you look
when you don't bidi What do you say
now2 Come! Do you say pound? Not
you, for you haven't got it. Do you say
ten shillings? Not you, for you owe
more to the tallyman. Well, then, I'll
tell you what I'll do with you. I'll heap
'em all on the footboard of the cart
there they arel razors, fatiron, frying
pan, chronometer watch, dinner plates,
rolling pin and looking glass-take 'em all
away for four shillings, and I'll give you
sixpence for your troubler This is me,
the Cheap Jack. But on Monday morn
ing, in the same market place, comes
the Dear Jack on the busting cart
and what does he say?
'Now my free and independent wot-
ers, am a-going to give you such a
chance Che begins just like me) "as you
never had in all your born days, and
that's the chance of sending myself To