Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-07-19

If aye, how many vertebra were demol-
| ished? and, after conference with the Naval
Committee, whether the canal, in case of a
tempestuous sea, is navigable for double
enders, and whether they cannot go either
way therein without turning round?
| ''The gentleman from Illinois (Mr. WASH
burne) would call up the head of the Treas
ury Department and ask whether it would
| be best to tax the whisky drunk in the last
| century with a view to assist Legislatures
| of States to patriotic choice of Senators?
| and, if so, what amount should be levied on
the spirits of '76? The Chairman of Ways
and Means (Stevens) would inquire, with
the gravity of Pluto's countenance, whether
it would not be wise to enact law punish
ing with death all who might sell peanuts
and putty on any other than a gold basis.
A chorus of voices would be heard to in
quire whether the Treasury Department
could not so interpret the per cent income
tax as to relieve members recently defeated
from all tax upon their mileage in the next
Congress.
Information on the Navy.
'Then the Secretary of the Navy would
be put to the catechism. A member from
Massachusetts would inquire what effect the
payment of Goldfish bounties, as nursery
for our seamen, would have upon the nayi-
cation of the iron-clads? 1 might be
tempted myself to ask whether the
Abyssinians were used by Cleopatra in her
naval service, if SO, were they at the battle
of the Nile, and were they there all the
while =? And, if SO, what Pompey thought
'But the gentleman from Vermont
(MorrilD, ever alive to the interests OF
New England, would inquire triumphantly
Of Mr.. Fessenden, whether the tariff could
not be so amended as to increase the duty
on dye-stuffs and paper so that on future
the tariff would be prohibitory, the prices
raised, and satisfactory deficiency pro-
duced in the revenues, or whether by rails
ing the price of dye-stuffs and paper, the
value of greenbacks in the market might
not be made equal to the cost of their manu-
facture? 2"
And finally he represents his pastoral
friend (Grinnell, of Iowa), rs inquiring of
the Secretary of the Navy "Whether the
Argonautic expedition of Admiral Jason
would have had any effect, in case the
golden fleece had been captured in Australia,
either on the gold market or the price Of
wool?"
He never failed to incorporate into his
remarks anything that would tend to ridicule
a proposition to which he was opposed.
Fun at Judge Kelly's Expense.
In the course of speech on the agricul-
tural appropriation bill he read an article
from a Philadelphia paper, thanking Judge
Kelly for copy of the Patent Office report,
as follows:
eve owe thanks to Judge Kelly for
copy of the latest Patent Office report. We
already have 1,600 of these interesting vol
umes in our little library, but they have
been read and re-read so many times that we
know every one of them by heart. This
new volume came opportunely and CRATE
fully on Christmas morning, and that night
we gathered our little family around the fire
and read it through to them. The affecting
tale entitled, Improvement in Monkey
Wrenches,' seemed to touch every heart,
and when we came to the climax of the
little story about Reversible Pie Boards,
there was not dry eye between the front
door and the stable.
s'During the reading of the piteous nara
tive entitled "Gum Washers for Carriage
Axles," the whole family gave way to bois-
ferrous emotion, and the hired girl was so
much excited that she lost her presence of
mind and went round to her mother, mad
vertently with six pounds Of sugar and a
butter kettle full of flour, and came home
1t midnight intoxicated. We can never
thank Judge Kelly for the in
aocent enjoyment thus afforded us. The |
memory of that happy evening will linger
with us longer than that hired girl ever |
fingers when she lights on lot of substance |
hat she thinks will suit the constitution of |
ler aged parent" CLINTON LLOYD.
Copyright 1891, by the autho-.