davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
DAY LIGHTS.

Great Scott exclaimed the world
the other day as she wiped the perspi-
ration off the North American Cont
nent with a point lace cloud, did any
one ever have so much trouble with a
son before ?'-Lfe.
New York City Editor-"See here
Don't you know executions by exec
tricity are the law now?"
New Man-"CertainIy."
Then, sir, what do you mean by
this old-time, c~hestnutty, moldy quota
ton, "Give a rogue rope enough and
he will hang himself" What do you
mean, sir? We are not living in the
middle ages"
"What substitute would you sug-
gest?"
Say, let a rogue go on shocking
society and he will get shocked him
self. = Good NeUs.
Brown, do you know why you are
like a donkey?"
Like a donkey" echoed Brown,
opening wide his eyes. mo, I don't"
"Do you give it up?"
81 do"
Because your better half is stub
bornness itself"
"That's not bad. Ha! ha! I'll give
that to my wife when I get home"
Mrs. Brown" he asked, as he sat
down to supper, "do you know WI 1
am SO much like a donkey?"
He waited a moment, expecting his
wife to give it up. She looked at him
somewhat commissioning as she an
swered:
Il suppose because you we're born
so. "-DetrOit Free Press.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
Poetry.
THE OLD CABIN GOURD.

How well I remember that scoured-hOOped
That Pu stood by Aunt Polly's back door on the
With the gourd there above on the side of the
qbara ready to dip, and so easy at hand,
Hung the old cabin gourd.
# was dark as mahogany, age had so turned it,
And was cracked on each side, but was stltchtd
with coarse thread
That crossed and recrossed like so many big KS,
For Aunt Polly no new one would put in the
Of the old cabin gourd.
1banys to dat CORD for de good hit hab did me,
And 'Iiies,' said Aunt Polly, hits sweeter fur
I'm Sfais dar am new uns, all sizes, a plenty,
Bit dat old un I'll use till hits wus dan a
S'oo T Sticks to dat old cabin CORD"
sweet-beans on one side, and gourd-vines on the
cum TSnS'' up and surrounded Aunt Polly's front
And mo ,'oirrninc-glories chung on each side of the
And c cT65f up above as if bent to adore
Tie old cabin gourd.
The a-l-bopper stood where the sun, flowers
And hho5Iliyhotcks grew long the path to the
That Ig5a5ssl6ed meath the shade of the old "yaler
And Where Pomp the old bucket would fill to the
WIN the Ou CdDlu BouIu.
Yes honey Aunt Polly would say when l
asked her,
My Pomp hab jist fotched it, de CORD you ken
And de water am cooler from outer dat bucket
Dan outer the spring, an am sweet as a peach
Out dat old cabin CORD
All. dear the remembrance that brings the old
With It's wasted . sweet taters" and ash-pones
to mind,
And dearer than all, the lam dat you my
As Aunt Polly would greet me when, suddenly
Me draining the old cabin gourd.
How we'll l remember that hOmely endear-
It,secho still fingers like a loving refrain.
And naught that I've had of SIncereSt aIecI,lCh
Would rather have back than Aunt POIIy's
And drink out of that old cabin gOurd.
A tableau she made in the door of the cabin,
And | ses her there now, mid the festoons or
In her ~be4adgear. on high, of the checked cotton
With Pomp in the background, and all that re-
minds
Of the old cabin gourd.
All. sweet is the dream that recalls the old
cabin,
And though never again will Aunt Polly be
there.
Yet dear in remembrance survives my old
nanny"
The old cabin gOurd.
l.. s. NTh \ N n.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
A LAWYER

Jim Webster was being tried for
trying to bride a colored witness, Sam
Johnsing to testify falsely.
You say this defendant offered you
a bribe of $50 to testify in his behalf, ="
said Lawyer George to Sam ~Johnsing.
Eyes, sab"
"Now repeat precisely what he said,
using his own words"
He said he would git me $50 if I"
He cant have used those words.
He didn't speak as a third person"
mo, sab; he tuck good keer dat dar
was no third pusson present. Oar was
only two-us two. De defendant am
too smart ter hab any body listenin'
when he am talking about his own
raskelity."
Il know that well enough, but he
spoke to you in the first person,
didn't he2"
Il was de fust pusson, myself"
You don't understand me, When
he was talking to you did he use the
words, I will pay you $5O2"'
mo, boss; he didn't say muffin about
you payin' me $50, gYore name wasn't
mentioned, 'ceptin dat he tole me eff
cher I got inter a scrape dat you was
de best lawyer in San Antoine to fool
de judge and jury. In fac, you was
de best lawyer in town for ~coverin' up
C--, lid oF ,0C1zOJ;+-
You can step down. Tera8
SiftinQs.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
MINISTER LINCoLN's FAvoR1TE
STORY.

A well known Chicago physician
returned from a little visit to relatives
in the interior Of the State last week.
He had been carried beyond his desti
nation once before, SO when he boarded
the a in the evening he called the
porter to him as soon as that digni
tary's attention could be attracted and
had the following conversation with
him:
John here's a dollar for you"
Yes, sah,"
And I'm going to get off at Rock
ford to night" continued the doctor.
Yes, sah," said John.
THAT means l don't want to be
carried through to Dubuque"
Yes, sah."
80 if you can't wake me up in time
to dress, I want you to see that you
get me off anyway, no matter what
happens"
Yes, sab" and they parted.
In due time the medical man went
to his berth with a feeling of blessed
security. About daybreak he was
awakened by hearing a femme voice
from the section just across say:
Porter, r we in Dubuque yet?'
Nom, we amt dab yit," he
answered huskily, "but we'll be dab
in half N hour"
Thoroughly aroused and very angry
the Chicago man threw the curtains
apart and saw the porter grinning
feebly, with his collar turn, his nose
slit down the middle and evident con-
tusions about each of his y
Here you black rascal" shouted
the ~aggrieved traveller. "didn't I tell
you to get me off at Rockford"
Lord bless nah soul, mistah., said
the sable brother jumping, lis you de
man dat WIS go'in to get off at Rock
ford?" Then adding, refectively, as
he felt of a torn ear.
Wonder who de man was dat I put
off at RockfordY"
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13

he can explain the play in a husky
voice.
On the whole I think that my critics
have been very gentle and generous.
They overlooked several spots in the
play where I would have attacked it,
if [ had not felt, as I say, a friendly
interest In the author.
The defects will be the subjects of
special and careful treatment till all is
we'll. There will be more thrill, more
affection and a better watermelon in
the third act.
Should you wish to attend at any
time when I do not happen to be on
the door you will have no trouble if
you will give your name. Courtesy in
my case is not acquired. 1t is natural.
l need not add that although your
criticism was in places a little search
ing, perhaps, considering that I have
always taken the Herald in my family
ever since I could read, I shall still
advertise with you in a lovely and
forgiving spirit. BILL NYE.
New York, Saturday morning.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
A BROAD HINT.

1t costs something to live and a good
deal to die; in fact, everything costs,
says a bright exchange. Some one
estimates that getting born costs the
people of the United States $3.50, 600, :
600 annually, getting married $500,
900, 900 and getting buried SIS, 600, 900.
1t might be added getting drunk costs
the people of the United States more
than 5000, 600, 900 annually, or over
one and one-half times as much as get
ting born, married and buried put to-
gether and more than for all the bread
and meat consumed in the nation
Joliet. III. Nencs.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
HIS MISTAKE,
There is Such a Thing Once in a While
as a Funny Mar Being Alto
gether Too Funny.

as a Funny Man Being Alto
gether Too Funny.
The early riser was out watering his
grass when the funny man came along
and stepped on the hose.
The early riser turned around to see
what had shut off the water so sud
denly, and the funny man laughed
at him.
"Get off that hose" exclaimed the
early riser.
"Oh, don't mind me. said the funny
man, "Go on and water your grass"
Then he noticed that the nozzle was
carelessly pointed in his direction.
Here! Point that the other way"
he cried.
The early riser glanced down at the
nozzle and his face lit up withpleasure.
Amusing to shut off a mans water.
isn't it 2" he asked.
But, my dear sir, expostulated the
funny man, Il didn't
Its intensely funny" said the early
riser; YOU'D better get off that hose"
But I can't" said the funny man.
Don't you e the MOBILES pointed
right at me, and if 1 do D"
"Oh, well, I'm in no hurry" inter
rupted the early riser. eff you enjoy
it l don't know that 1 have any reason
to object.
He sat down on the railing surround
ing his grass plat and rested the nozzle
on his knee, still keeping it pointed
toward the funny man.
II say" said the latter, eff you'll
turn that the other way I'll get off"
ooh, I wouldn't put you to so much
trouble" said the early riser. Enjoy
yourself"
The early riser held the nozzle be-
tween his knees while he took out a
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
HOUSEHOLD.
TAPIOCA JELLY.


Soak a quarter of a pound of tapioca
in water enough to cover it. Let it
stand several hours, then stir it into
a pint of boiling water. Simmer it
slowly till it appears semitransparent,
sweeten it to the taste, and flavor with
wine and nutmeg if approved of by
the physician. Turn it into cups or
mOlds.
FISH BALLS.
Prepare Goldfish and potato as above,
making the mixture more dry by using
a piece of butter instead of milk or
cream. Form into balls, not very
large, and perfectly round; dip in
beaten egg, and fry in a deep kettle
Of very hot lard. They should be of a
nice brown, and if rightly made and if
the lard is hot enough, will retain their
shape.
CREAM CANDY.
To three pounds of loaf sugar add
one-haIf pint Of water, and set it over
a slow fire for half an hour then add
a teaspoonfuI of gum arabic, dissolved,
and a tablespoonful Of vinegar. Boil
it till it is brittle, then take off, and
flavor with vanilla, rose or orange.
Rub the hands with sweet butter, and
pull the candy till it is white; then
twist and break it, or stretch it out
into thin, white strips, and cut it off.
PRESERVED PEARS.
Peel the pears, and if they are large,
cut each one in four pieces and take
out the core. To a pound Of fruit
weigh a pound Of sugar; dissolve the
sugar with just enough water to wet
it, add a quarter of an ounce Of ISM
glass dissolved in warm water to five
pounds of sugar. When the sugar is
dissolved make the syrup as directed
for preserved peaches and cook the
fruit in the same manner.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
BILL Y L
SJtings

To the Editor of the Herald:
4 was in your place on Tuesday to
see you regarding a piece in the Herald
criticising my new play, but was told
that you were out of town. At first
I thought this was only a method
adopted by you to avoid meeting me,
but 1 have since learned that it was
true.
The piece was well written, I thought,
and 1 would have laughed at it heartily
if it had been written about some other
mans Eplay. 1t had, too, some good
suggestions which I am going to act
on at an early date.
I enjoy a real scathing criticism as
well as anybody, I think. but would
rather have if written regarding the
play of a man III whom I do not feel
such a friendly interest.
am writing a plot for the play now,
which l think will add to it. Several
people have told me that a good plot
would not necessarily interfere with
the play, so L am gong to have One.
Still, I wanted to have it different
from other plays. 1 thought it would
be a good idea to have no Villain in
the cast. 1t is just as well to have
him in the audience. He can have
more opportunities there. He can
talk all the time in the audience, in
stead of having to wait for his one.
He can also get a place in the middle
of a row of seats and stroll in and out,
meandering over the feet of other peo-
pie and dishevelling the silk hats of
the audience, thus turning the pathos
into profanity. A villain on the stage
is handicapped by his environments
and his whiskers. In the audience
there are unlimited possibilities for
him. When he has nothing else to do
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
LOST IN H BUSH.

l was harpOOner on a New Bedford
whaler in '76 and we were lying in a
small harbor in New Zealand to make
repairs We were two years from home
and had yet two years to stay, so I
determined to run away.
The nearest settlement was a lumber
camp about thirty miles away. No
settler would dare to harbor a run
away, as the English law is very strict
in this respect, so | knew that I must
expect no help from shore.
The Maori natives swarmed about
the place, and are noted for their
great skill as crackers. I knew a few
pounds of tobacco would send a small
army Of them after me at a moments
notice.
One dark evening, when several
boats from shore were lying alongside,
l took my little bundle of food and a
short whaling lance and slipped into a
boat unseen. The strong current bore
me rapidly away from the vessel, and
[ was soon rowing stoutly across the
bay.
l landed about a mile from the ship,
and then showed the boat adrift. I
kept close to the water, knowing that
long before daylight the incoming tide
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13

to the ship. The man on watch helped
me over the side and called the cap
tain. He approached me with an
oath, but as the light from the deck
lantern shone upon me, he exclaimed
Good God, man! You are an awful
sight,"
I've come back to give myself up,
sir" I said, family. Don't pay those
cursed Maor1s any bounty, I killed
one" Here my senses reeled and l
fell to the deck in a swOon.
When [ was able to work the captain
called me aft and delivered himself as
follows:
"Well, my man, this is the third
time you have tried to run away.
The first time we fished You out O. the
water as near dead as a chap gould be.
Next time you was starved out before
you gave up, and now you've had the
closest call of al. Them MaOris were
wild when I wouldn't pay 'em, an l
got the ship out as soon as | could.
"Now, I'm tired of furnishing you,
an I'm gOin' to try a new tack. We
want a third mate, and after this you
are an officer and have a handle to
your name, d-n you. Well see if
thatu keep you from running awayr'
And that is how I was first made an
officer.
CAPTAIN J. H. B. ROBINSON.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
FOR OUR GIRLS.
Bits of Good advice That They All Should
Heed.
WHAT TO AVOID

WHAT TO AVOID
A loud, weak, affected, whining
harsh Of shriIl tone of voice.
Extravagancies in conversation-such
phrases as lawfully this" "beastly
that" leads of time" don't you
know" hate " for dislike, etc.
Sudden EXPLANATIONS of annoyance,
surprise and JOY, such as "brother!'
gracious" "how jolly"
Yawning when listening to any one.
Talking on family matters, even to
bosom friends.
Attempting any vocal or instru-
mental piece of music you cannot
execute with ease.
Crossing your letters.
Making a short, sharp nod with the
head, inteded to do duty as a bow.
WHAT TO CULTIVATE. .
An unaffected, low, distinct, silver
toned voice.
The art of pleasing those around you.
and seeming pleased with them and all
they may do for you.
The charm of making little sacrifices
quite naturally, as if Of no account to
yourself.
The habit of making allowances for
the opinions, feelings or prejudices Of
others.
An erect carriage, a sound body.
A good memory for faces, and facts
connected with them, thus avoiding
giving Offense through not recognizing
or Dowmg to people, or saying to them
what had best be left unsaid.
The art of listening without impa-
tience to prOsy takers and smiling at
the twice-told tale or joke.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13


TWINKLINGS.
An old maid asks-If whatever is is
right, how does it happen that I'm
left?
An Honest Man.-"YOu, say your
wife has been complaining for some
time! What is the cause of her com
plaint?"
me"
81 called to collect a bill of Mr..
Swipeson."
"He's out"
"But I saw him at an up stair win
dow as | came in"
Hes out of money"
Astonished Patient-That's a big bill
of yours, doctor. You only looked at
my tongue and prescribed quinine.
Affable Physician-You forgot, my
dear sir, that I also felt your pulse
Teas SJftings.
Husband-''I save four dollars by
buy ing that cigar by the box"
Wife-"Do you Jack! How nice it
would be if you would only buy five
boxes right away and give me the
twenty dollars you save for a new
dress"
HOsteter McGinnis-HOw is it, Mr..
Schaumburg, that you can make money
when you sell your goods at cost? Nose
Schaumburg.-Pecause I puys my
goots below cost.
Grafton-What do you think, Tom?
Bill Bluff, who we all thought so at
tentive to Miss Giddy, has gone off and
married her mother! Wiggins-Well,
that was a nice scheme indeed for
Citing rid of a mother-in-law!
Fair Maiden, a summer boarder-
How savagely that COW looks at me?
Farmer-It's your red parasol, mum,
Fair Maiden-Dear me! l knew it was
a little out of fashion; but I didn't
suppose a country cow would notice it.
A child playing with another young
ster ran to his nurse crying that his
companion had slapped him. "WelI,
you must hit him back, - said the nurse
who had never read the sermon on
the mount. But | hit back first, =" sob
bed the enterprising infant.-Judge.
Mad Man-See here you swindled
me. This horse you sold me is the
worst bucker l ever saw. You said
nothing about it.
Balkins-I didn't? Didn't [ say he
was a buxOm animal? What's the
matter with you?
Equal to the Occasion: Simpkins
Gust INSTRUMENTATION homely that
gentleman near the piano, Mrs. Berry.
Mrs. Berry-Isn't he? That is Mr..
Berry. Simpkins Shocked but self
possessed.-Indeed How true it is,
Mrs. Berry, that homely men always
get the prettiest wives. -New York
Sun.
Bobby Hayseed-Pa, the crows come
here for corn, and e the scarecrow;
and then they go to that tree and cav
and cav like they are mad enough to
cuss. Do you know what they are
doing?"
Farmer Hayseed-No, sonny, I don't
know what they are doing.
B. H.-Well, 1 do. They are doing
like congressman in Washington. They
are holding a caw-cuss (caucus.)
There is a man in this town who
never allows an opportunity for an
attack an the Jews to pass by. It is
his hobby. One evening he found
himself seated next to a prominent
Wall street Hebrew banker.
Somebody turned the subject of con-
versation to Turkey. The man spoke
up and said that he sympathized in
many ways with the people of that
country, particularly with their dislike
of asses and Jews, whom they were
ready to kill on the slightest provoca-
ton.
my dear fellow" said his Jewish
neighbor, chow fortunate for you and
me that we do not live in Turkey
NeU York Recorder.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13

cigar lit it. The funny man watched
him puff it for a moment. Then he
said:
"See here, old man, my legs getting
stiff"
why don't you shift legs5" asked
the early riser disinterestedly.
The funny man tried it, made a slip,
and the stream almost reached him be-
fore he could get his foot on the hose
again. The early riser chuckled,
Say, I'll break your headr cried
the funny man excitedly.
All right, " returned the early riser
earnestly. But be careful o you may
slip off the hose again"
The funny man glared at the early
riser a moment and then said:
eff I were as mean as you are I'd
go into the pa~wnbrokers' business"
IF I were as funny as you are"
said the early riser as he leisurely pulled
his cigar, I'D hire out to a burlesque
company"
The funny man tried to walk along
the hose to get farther away from the
nozzle, but the water spurted out a lit
tie with each step and he stopped.
Then he got desperate, stepped off, and
started to run. The stream caught
him in the middle of the back.
When he got out of range he turned
and shook his fist at the impassive
early riser and made some terrible
threats.
And the early riser muttered as he
began watering the grass again:
Funny that a funny man can't take
a joke on himself"
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
PHILOSOPHY FROM KANSAS.

Religion is a very unsatisfactory
thing. Those who haven't enough of
it make trouble for their neighbors, and
those who have too much, go crazy. It
seems impossible to find a man who
has just the right amount.
A man who has just returned from
Chicago tells about a joke he heard
there, In a place where he went, a
lot Of people were acting the fool, and
one of them said: q am worth a mil
lion dollars in my mind. If I lose my
mind, I will be busted"
The people who are always expecting
to die, usu lily live the longest. If a
man wants to live a long life, let him
moan and groan at the slightest pain,
and talk of death as though it nudged
him every moment on the elbow. He
is the man who lives to be the oldest
inhabitant.
He who has respect for the opinions
of others is the safest member of soci-
ETY.. When a man becomes Indifferent
to what others think of him, he is in a
fair way to lose all self respect, and
that lost, he is an unsafe man. It be-
comes every man to strive to merit the
good opinion Of society.
Flirting with married women is one
way Of committing suicide. If you
have a friend who is doing it, warn
him to stop it. Husbands are as quick
with their guns as they are with their
tempers, and will shoot any man who
smiles at their wives, though they may
be smiling at other women themselves
at the same time.
If you are supporting a style you
can't afford, quit it. Such an expendi-
tufe Of money does you harm in two
OF three different ways, and good in
none. If you are pretending to be
worth $500, and are really worth only
$50 or $40, quit it. There is too much
artificial life, eve out here in the west.
Be Satisfied with what you have; you
cannot deceive the people.
-AtchiSOn, Kansas, Globe.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1891-10-13
TWINKLINGS.

CAPTAIN j. H. B. ROBINSON.
Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1891-08-01
Election Agreement.

The following articles OF agreement
have been signed us indicated be-
low;
The Democratic, Liberal and Re
publican central committees desire To
announce that under the rulea " the
Utah Commission and In accord with
fair construction OF our election laws,
that any person whose name has been
omitted or whose name has been mis-
spelled, or whose initials have been
transposed, or wrong Initial used,
can have the errors corrected and his
name properly placed upon the regis
tratlon list by applying before election
day to the registration officer OF his
precinct aud making satisfactory
showing In conformity with the fore
going statement
IL IL agreed between the committees
that where person has moved from
one precinct 10 another, aud has failed
TO have his name transferred TO the
precinct 10 which he now lives and lac
N bona fide resident and legal voter
Of the city, that he may vote Ia tho
precinct In which he IL registered. In
such cases no challenge should he In
terposed. CALLER w. WEST,
Chairman OF Democratic Central Com.
mlttee. q. w. POWERS,
Chairman OF Liberal Central Commit,
tor. JAMES DEviNE,
Cnaigman VI Republican Central Com
niltee.