Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1891-06-18
R-UBEN'S OLD DAD.
He Almost Lifted the Whole State oil
Tennessee.

He Almost Lifted the Whole State of
Tennessee.
/ got off at small railroad station in
Tennessee to find crowd in front of a
saloon. and as | began inauiring the
cause of the excitement young man of
twenty turned and replied:
stranger, I kin tell We all about it.
Do We want to see the corpse?"
Then some one is dead?''
Dead as a coon-tracl, and it's my
old dad at that
been row here?"
Not d bit of it. Dad jest made a
fule of hisself. He's in thar waitin'
fur cart to take hisself home to be
laid out and buried
Never seed nuthin' to el1a1 it in all
my born days. said m an in the crowd.
1T was right yere, or l wouldn't hev
staggered to it, no how added sec
ond.
1T was jest this way, stranger" con-
tinued the son as he picked a silver off
a pine-box and began to white at it
with a springback jack-knife. Dad
an me comes down yere this mawnin'
to buy mewl. Dad was powerful
frisky all the way down, and he seq to
me, seq he:
"'Reube, l kin out-walk, out-run,
out shute. out-holler and out-lick any
thin on top of this yere airth's surface,
and I'll bet our farm agin a drink of
Nashville whisky on it ? -
Il sees dad was purity chucl1y, and [
seq to him, SEE I:
g Dad, you's top of the heap around
yere, and nobody kin deny, but doan'
you go and meet up with no fight in
town. Yves arter mewl, we is. and
we doan' want no fussin' nor nuthin'.
And with that dad jumps fo' feet
high and cracks his heels together and
whoops out that he's bar traps, pizen,
powder and catamount, all billed down
into one, and that he's dangerous if
anybody goes to pick up his hind foot. ;"
''Yaas, and l hears him hoiler when
he's mile away" said one of the
crowd.
''Of co'se you did," replied Reuben,
''of co'se. Dad was powerful on the
holler He'd holler a bar out'n tree
half a mile away. When we got down
yere thar was teller from Memphis
with patent liftin' ma sheen a-standin'
right yere. Thar's the pieces of it agin
the fence, while the Teller hisself is ten
miles away and still runnin'.''
But 'twasn't his fault" protested a
man on mule back.
Il amt sayin' as twas" plac idly an
swered Reuben. I'm a-sayin' as dad
got mixed up and made a fule of his
self. No sooner had he sot eyes on the
masheen than he cracks his heels to-
gether and crows like rooster and SEE
to me. SEE he:
Reube, / kin pull the hull burned
state of Tennessee right up by the roots
a-goin' to try it.
Il tried to shy him off by tall1in'
mewl, but dad was powerful sot in his
ways, and he crows some more and
hollers:
'Whoop-whoopee Lemme git hold
of them ere handles, and all yous who
don't want to tip over when the airth
comes up had better hang to the fences!
Reube, stand back and gimme room" "
"Yaas, l heard him say them re-
Marks put in one of the crowd.
esd T. added half dozen others.
s'Of co'se, he said EN-" continued
Reuben-''of co'se. Nobody's denyin'
that he said 'em. Dad jest Fl ggered on
pullin' most of this yere airth up as
easy as you kin lift the top crust of
pie. He spit on his hands, grabbed
them ere handles, and when he straight
ened up jest field the earth trembling
all around"
in chorus.
do IF no hull nfY.xy
lifted up two feet high, when there was
a rip and smash-them handles tore
out. the masheen flew to pieces, and
the airth sunk back with chugg which
made us dizzy"
Then your father had broken a
blood-vessel or something of that sort?"
queried I.
''Skercely, ENTHUSIASTICALLY. Dad
want no man to stop at one blood-ves-
sell He jest busted hisself all to pieces,
and was a goner afore we could reach
him. might say he sort o run together
and caked. He was six feet high when
he grabbed them handles, and now you
can't make him over four foot ten as he
lies in thar 'on board. Jest pulled his
knees up and his shoulders down. and /
reckon his lungs would hold his galluses
up if thar was any buttons on 'em. The
man who owned the masheen WASH t
too blame-of co'se he wasn't-but
when he seed the calamity he started
fur Knoxville on the jump, and he was
iumpin' when he turned the co'ner of
the hill up thar! Dads in here stranger.
Come and take look. Mighty good
man, dad was, but a leetle too coltish
when he had about fJ drinks of apple
lack under his shirt bosum. Crowd
back thar, boys, and make room
Doan' act like you never dun met up
with calamitous spectacle befo!''-M.
Quad, in n. Y. World.
CREOLE CONSERVATISM