Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1891-02-12
THE LIMEKILN CLUB.

Brother Gardner Is Taken In Once More
by a Designing knave.
At the opening of the meeting Brother
,iardner announced that lecture No. of
the summer series, announced at the
iast meeting, would be delivered by the
Hon. Sidehill Wellington, D. ks. g.
Al, of Eufaula, Ala. The gentleman
named was known as ''The Demosthenes
Of the South" and ranked as philoso-
pher of the first water. His subject was:
"Why Ar Dis Thus?' and Samuel Shin
and Pickles Smith were warned to pre-
serve q proper decorum in the presence
of the stranger or be prepared tor to-,
The honorable gentleman -,.s ;,t-o.
duced by the visiting coD,.,;,,ee in ono
time and three motiop~ Like all great
his s.no.s we're down at
tho heel. his eIoo>@s frayed, his knees
ou' VI 80, his general appearance
proved a carelessness on his part as to
whether he got up right end first in the
morning. He was received with enthu-
siastic applause. during which Deacon
Baker managed to give Elder Toots a
vigorous kick and lay it to accident
As he bowed his applause two buttons
were heard to strike the wall behind
him and his collar made a determined
effort to rise above his ears
my frens," began the honorable in a
voice rich with anticipation of the COM
ing watermelon season. 1--WE go to bed
at night. If we hev no company we go
to bed long bout half-past nine O'Clock.
If we hev a soiree on hand it may be two
hours later. If ak you what you go to
bed fur you answer to sleep. What do
you sleep fur? You reply dat it is be =
kase natur' intended you to. Yes, but
why did she? You can't tell. You
tumble into bed an lay dar' on your
backs an snooze an snore an dream of
de lucky numbers in policy, an when
mawnin' comes you fall out an kick
de dog an jaw de chillen. an wish
you was rich an didn't heve to 60 to
work. [Yells of applause.l Natur'
meant dat you should lie down in sleep
to give de body rest-to let de mus
cles relax, de nerves grow quiet, de
brain ceas its tremendous efforts fur
awhile. My world-renowned tonic,
which kin be had in de ante-room after
dis meetin' adjourns at two-bits a bot
tie, cherry bottle warranted to hold half
pint, will bring about dis happy re-
suit No cure no pay"
The orator paused here to imbibe a
glass of water, and a puzzled look crept
into Brother Gardeners face. He was
observed to make signal to Giveadam
Jones, and that individual nodded as if
he understood.
Eve hev de back-ache," continued the
| orator-'de back-ache, de collie, pains
in de chist, fits of melancholy, bad
| iah off RI
| tower of de City Hail. We hev SIGH
things an we nebber stop to inquar' de
reason. We jist go right long sufferin',
| layin' our sad condlshun to Jay Gould,
| Vanderbilt an de Standard Oil Com
pany, an nebber supposin' dar is sartin
an cheap cure right at hand. [Sensa-
| ton. My frens, l has the proud salts
fackshun to tell you dat L am de in
ventor, proprietor an sole agent on dis
globe fur de 'sWellington Cholera Pre-
tentative an Lightnin' Con Remover
an arter dis meetin' is oher my remedy
kin be had by any of the gem'len pres
ent at de usual price of two bits box
warranted purely vegetable or money
refunded" High old applause.I
AS the speaker stopped to take an
other pint of water there was broad
| grin on almost every face, and this was
increased by the uneasy movements of
Brother Gardner. 1t was plain to be
seen that he had been taken in and done
| for again, and that he was arranging
some sort of programme with Give
adam Jones, who has long held the posi-
ton of Bogardus Kicker to the club.
My frens," pathetically continued
the honorable, after the water had been
put away behind his nankeen vest, '.you
is walkin' along de street, an am sud
denly token wild a crick in de back,
an can't go on down TO de bank
an draw out so. You git up in
the mawnin' feelin' slumpy. You
doan keer two cents whether YOU
hev quail on toast or turkey on sweet
cake fur breakfast. You wake up in
de night wild a cole sweat startin' out, a
violent beatin' of de heart, an fear
in your soul dat band of Anarchists
is hidden under de bed to take your
life. On sartin occashuns you sot down
wild piece of chalk an a single t.
fgger up how much var it will cos
you to rent forty post-office boxes at
81 each. You is stuck. De figgers
dance away from you Your eyes blur
an you jump up in alarm if de dos
|
along jist de same, however, nebbel
stoppin to inquar' into de natera
causes, an de fust thing you know your
friends am gathered around your bed
stead to see you expire. decided
sensation all over the hall Ny
frens. it gives me de utmos' pleasure
to be able to inform you on dis auri
ferrous occasion dat 1 am de sole owne
of what is called De Wellington Cure
All Plaster which I warrant to be com
posed of sixteen different roots an d.
best Norf Carolina tar. Desc p1asters
sell at twenty cents each, or six for
dollah, and de President of dis Unitel
States had one on de small of his back
when he entered de White Hou s,
fur de fust time. AFTER dis meetln' i
ambuscaded 1 shall be moas' happy t.
see you all in de ante-room, an L
At this point Givedam Jones inter
rupted the speaker to say that mai
wanted to see him outside on very i'm
portant business
Exactly" replied the honorable
sMy frens, will retiah fur a momen
an ascertain his>business. My address
is only half concluded.
Pc retired in good order q .iliuo an,