The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1891-07-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

Eternal vigilance enables man 10
carry the same umbrella for years.
Boston Courier.
A great many politicians are called
dark horses from the shades of their
records.
He-Genius is a mental disease. She
How well and healthy you must be.
Detroit Free Press.
..How doth the little busy beef"
Well, if you meddle with him much
you will be apt to find out how he doth.
Boston Post.
An actor may not know much about
cravats, but his experience with ties
both railway and matrimonial-is
usually extensive.-Lye.
Next to having new bonnet herself
woman likes to have chance to
make fun of some other woman's head
gear.-Somervizle Journal.
It Is q waste of time to look back at
one,s=own mistakes when there rs so
much more fun in watching the mis-
takes of other people.-Hotet Mail.
Would It be correct to describe near
" ever girl you know as being in
dreadful hurry because there's hustle
behind her?-Jour'sat of Education.
When a man finds that he is getting
to be too loquacious his best remedy
is to get married. He will notice an
improvement right away.-SonaervsIIe
Journal.
You may break, you may shatter the
s'vase"i if you will, but the various ways
of pronouncing it,according to locality,
will cling around it still.-N0TTIStoao
Herald.
Citizen (stopping physician on the
street)-Just moment, Doc; only one
word. Physician-Well, make it short.
old man; it's watermelon season, you
know.-New York Sun.
Bolton-Young Jones is generous
with his cigars. isn't he? Wolton-
Yes (puff); but think he would (puff)
be kinder to his friends if he smoked
them himself.-Lye.
When a man learns to mind his own
business and leave the affairs of others
alone he accomplishes a success as
great as falls to common mortalS.-
Martha's Vineyard Herald.
He (making an evening calD-Shall
I sing one more song, Miss Clara, be-
fore I go? She--I should be delighted,
Mr.. Sampson-er-if you think you
have time.-NcW York Sun.
THAT is rather an expensive UNI
brella, Bromley" ''Yes, Darringer.
1t is the kind other people appropri-
ate" "Just what l thought Brom-
ley; whose is it?''-Detrot Free Press.
"Poor Goldson! 1 am afraid the
poor fellow is losing his mind. ''By
Il
dear boy, il is nearly O'Clock, and 1
on!"-Life.
Mrs. Holyoke (who has not asked
him. and does not want him)-'I'm
sorry you can't stay to tea with u.s."
Capt. Whiffet equal to the occasion)-
"I'm awfully Plad that I'm sorry I've
got to go."-0udge.
Scientists are now inquiring how
long it takes to think. Well. when, a
man has to think of some way to FAY
a months board bill with only 81. 16 in
his pocket to do it with it takes him a
good long while.-Puck.
Miss Ethel (confidentially)-"Doyou
know, Clara, that had two offers of
marriage last week." Miss Clara with
enthusiasm)-"O, I am delighted,
dear! Then the report is really true
that your uncle left you his money. p
Life.
Every gentleman should have the
signature of the Creator on the label
to avoid confusion. There are so
many limitations nowadays that peo-
pie who are not connoisseurs frequent
" encounter the wrong article.-Lirs-
coin Journal.
De Sappy-I tell you Featheringtol,
YOU have the biggest head Feather
ington-Aw, De Sappy, you fatter me,
doncherknow. De Sappy-Don't in
terrupt, Featherington; you have the
biggest head on Jour cane I've seen
this season.-LJe.
He 90 p. m., and the lamp turned
low humorously)-''It isn't at all
queer, is it. Edith, that one should find
electric kisses when he goes spark
ingp She-'.Yes, queer. indeed, Mr..
Standoff, when the lady's negative is
positive. fudge.
Customer Ito druggist)-Gimn1e a
big dose of whisky and quinine. I've
got malaria Druggist-Sorry, sir,
but we're just out of quinine. Customer
Well, gimme the whisky without the
quinine then: I've got to do some
thing or I'll die.-Meto York Sun.
...Ah, Clara said young surgeon
(after hospital hours) as he, sank upon
his knees, would that | could gain
possession of your hearth ''You can,
Mr.. Sawbones, replied Clara promptly
but blushingly; '.and without giving me
ether .either."-Nea0 York Sun.
Nothing else is so calculated to work
on a mans sympathies as the sight OF a
young mans painful effort at uncon-
Germ while he. is. scratching his brow
with the hand with which. he would
have tipped his hat to young lady i
she hadn't cut him dead.-JWdge.
..Howm much of that $4,000 have yor
now, George9 You only got it two
months ago, you know" well, ] haf
$1,000 an hour ago, but ! don't know
how msch there is left now" Why"
s.Ay wife has just gone on q shopping
expedition.',- Nebraska State eJ0ur10S.