Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1891-08-29
MR. AND MRS. BOWSER.
Methods Pursued by the Amiable Lord q
Master of the House.

MASTER OF tne HOUSE,
From the New York World.
M. Bowser isn't the least bit particular
about his shirts and collars and such things
no husband ever is. Every morning MS regu-
larly as clockwork when 7:30 o'clock comes
Mrs. Bowser, who has been up for half an hour.
looks in to find him on the broad of his back
with his hands locked under his neck and the
bed clothes wrapped around him like some
giant mummy.
"Mr. Bowser!"
No answer.
"Mr. Bowsern'
"Umr'
Mr.. Bowser. do you know what time it is?'
"U-M-m-m!'
Come breakfast will be ready before you
are. You wanted to get away a little earlier
this morning"
'Whaz mazher2''
"Come-wake right up!"
"Lemme 'lonc!'
''Mr. EOwser!'
He opens his eyes. turns over with q grunt
anu 2rOwl, and ten minutes after she has gone
downstairs he carefully sits up in bed. He is
! all there. Then he kicks the clothes down with
his right leg-tIe with his left-knocks his
pillow of on the floor and 'sOrter falls out after
| 1t with groxl like some old re-backed bear
trying to crawl through Il rail fence. Ten min
| utes later Mrs. Bowser feels the house shake
and hears a voice calling
Mrs. Mrs. EoMser, are you alive or deadr
Don't .what-s-it-dear' me! Is this dime
| museum. cider mill or the home OF hard
working, respectable mani"
| What is it, she asks as she arrives on the
| scene of the fatal disaster.
''Look-a-there, Mrs. Bowser-look-a-
there" he hoarsely whispers as he holds out a
pair Of suspenders in his hand.
| ''Ycs-I see. YOu Broke en- about a month
ago and nended EN- with a piece of string.
| they've busted again. Go ahead and get on
your collar and l. II Tx EN-. There they are
and you better buy new pair today"
Some mighty queer things around this
| house !" he mutters, he buttons them on
| Them suspenders was all right when 1 went
to bed last night. Next time you want to play
circus take piece of clothes line. Where 8 my
| front collar buttOnY'
| "You must have flirted it out when YOU drew
on your shirt. Here it is
After this when you so proving around at
night wish you'd leave my things aione! If
you want collar buttons just say 20 and I'll buy
you cartlOad!'
Here's your collar, dear"
1t is beautifully clean and white, but he looks
| at it and growis. 1t is one OF dozen he had
made to order. and fits him to perfection. but
| it ls no sooner buttOnod than he gives il "a hitch
| and bunch and yank and roars out:
| ''By the great horn spoon! but can never
| get a collar to mt me! Its bad enough to have
| to wear an old bag of a shirt. let alone having
| my throat cut with such collars
| But they were made to measure, you know.
Measure! Measure Do you suppose there 3
4 q shirt maker Oh earth who knows enough to
measure a mans neck! The COMPOUNDED cross
eyed idiot probably thought wanted to button
| EN- onto my ears.
Mrs. Bowser applies the soothing strip aud
the third collar is allowed to remain. lie
growls over his necktie. but gets it on after
| awhile and is then ready to inquire:
| II suppose the girl in the kitchen is using
my tooth brush for poker. isn't she? I'd just
like the public to know how this house is run.
| It's no wonder that many husbands walk of
| and are never heard of again.
| There's your tooth brush right in front OF
| your nose :" replies Mrs. Bowser.
"Oh. it is! Mighty funny how it got there
al at onee Hair brush isn't down in the coal
| bin, is it?''
| Its right there in plain sight. No one ever
disturbs your things, Mr.. Bowser.'
| 'They don't, Ell! Didn't nobody get up in
the night and throw my shoes out into the yard,
l SUPPOSE
'Of course mott"
'Then where are they? Itook them off right
here, but they are gone! Such system of
| housekeeping! People wonder that strong
| men become insane, but there is a cause for 1t,
| Mrs. BOwser-a cause for it, l sometimes'-
| ''You took your shoes off down stairs last
| night. Your feet ached and you sat in your
stocking feet"
And those shoes were not deliberately
picked up this morning and carried down
thereY"
'.Of course not. Are you readyy'
II suppose SO. 1t not Il have to 90 as am.
! / can't expect any one to care whether have
| any comfort or not. No wonder I'm taken for
| O man scventy-tiye years old"
! Three times q week after Mr.. Bowser is in
bed Mrs BOwser removes tho buttons from hi,
shirt, places them in clean one and hangs the
shirt over the back of a chair The other one
is taken away to tho hamper in the clothes
| ress and she remarks:
You'll find your clean shirt right here when
YOU e.. ny
Morning comes and Mr.. Bowser gets out OF
bed. He feels around with his feet no shirt.
| He paws around under the bed: no shirt
"Now, why Oh earth did that woman go and
| take my shirt down stairs!" he growls as he gets
up and goes hunting.
BY and by he finds the clothes press. then
he finds the hamper, then he fishes up the
shirt and continues:
'.It's either got to stop or Ilsave! Talk abou,
| system! Why, that womah\ knows no more
about bookkeeping than a bootjack! There II
il again-not one single button in my shirt
Mrs. Bowser! Hello! down therel"
"Yes-yes! What's the matter, Mr.. Bow
ser!'
matter! Matterw he hoarsely whispers, a.
she arrives at the top OF the stairs-''look al
meat this shirt
mr.. Bowser, do you see that clean shirt or
that chsir?' she sternly asks. Didn't tix il
Last night? Isn't every button in place? You
| are the queerest man ever hearl off,
II am, Ell! Queer because want shirt but
tons in my shirt. Queer because can't hav.
patience with your lack OF system. Queer be
cause put up with million times more thar
any other husband in New York. Mr.. Bowser
il you had some men to live with you'd sool
find out what was what! Perhaps can stane
; 1t three or four weeks longer, but!"-
But she 10 gone, and he takes it out in kicking
over chair and knocking everything on thu
bureau before he is finally dressed and real,
to go down to breakfast and inquire why in tn
name OF common sense his knife and fork wer
put ON the left-hand side Of his plate instead o
, the right
"And. mamma, sobbcd the unhappy wife
'he-he threw his slippers across tie r-roon
! end t-tOld me 10 go 10 the dad -dud-devil"