Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1891-03-07
SING, GIN & CO.,
PRACTICAL HIGHBTNDERS.
ASSASSINATION CHEAP FOR CASH.

Entering the office beheld an amiable-iook-
ing well-fed Celestial. who was softly whistling
the skirt Dance" as an evidence of Caucasian
culture. while he put an extra edge on busi-
ness-looking stab knife with whetstone.
"How's trade now? inquired the visitor.
"BuSinesS looking up?"
"Well. it's only so-so." said the shuffier-off of
other mems coils critically splitting hair with
city Just now. but then we must take the
shadow with the sunshine-the thorns with the
roses On tie other hand, however. country
orders are coming in about as usual. On the
whole, we can't complain"
"You charge commission. eh?'
"As a rule we do. Our old price list gave
fixed sum, according to the style of killing
selected, but our new spring and summer
cent of what there is in it for the heirs-so to
speak,"
DO your customers generally pay up prompt
ly?' asked the factr gatherer.
LAS a rule they do. 1t isn't healthy not to,
YOU see," said the cutlery expert, wlnking in a
manner that made the cold chills run down the
visitors spine. sour collector had good deal
of trouble over one man at San Rafael. whose
mother.ln-law we passed through the gates
aiar last summer. AS we had originally put the
lob down very low-only S65-part in cash and
part in fuel-he kept coalyard-we thought it
pretty mean in him to dodge the bill every
steamer day. Finally be told US to sue for it,"
(which of course you couldn't"
"Why, of course not. l never felt so cut up
and ANNOYED in the whole course of nv pro-
fessional experience. We Just laid for that fell
low-as you may suppose-and last Wednesday
week We wedged him under the meek-eyed
daisies as slick as you please. took a jab al
him myself, and must say l haven't enjoyed a
bit of stabbing better since Twas an apprentice
This trying to pay for good scientific sandbag-
ping with kind words don't go. OF course we
have charity cases, now and then, Just as the
physicians have. Last week we abated grind.
ing old hunks of a landlord for poor widow
with nine children. Sad case. very. Some peo-
ple seem t0- be born without hearts, 1 often
think"
"Haye you much competition?
"Well, of course there are lots OF shySters in
all professions" said the beir helper sadly.
"For instance there's little invention of my
own in that bottle that some of them have been
irving to pirate for several years. call it the
Husband Eradlcator,' and it Is about the best
preventive of expensive divorce suits ever put
on the market"
is eh?'
"Yes, and its success goes to show how little
knowledge OF human nature can be utilized in
any business. You see, combine nitrO-glyce-
rine with one other ingredient, and rock and
rye in the proportion of one to three. This
mixture the woman who wants to abolish her
husband in order to marry some one else, as we
all know most of 'em do, places on the top shelf
of the pantry. Then she hires pretty servant
girl and goes visit somewhere. taking the
children, tie cat, the canary and anything else
of value OF course, as soon as she's gone the
maid drinks the 'eradicator.' tine husband hugs
the maid, the maid explodes and blows them
both to the sweet by-and-by. Now. how does
that strike you as an ingenious idea?'
Iexpressed my admiration, and after getting
the cadaver furnisher's bed rock terms for the
taking of of an imaginary trombone amateur