The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1891-09-13

the Eighth's Mute Apology
While in London we purchased a copy of
cooks Continental Railway Guide" and
when recall my experiences with that mad
dening publication it is matter of wonder to
me that my reason was not permanently de-
throned. The man or woman who can search
nfteen minutes for a train in 'Cook's Conti-
mental Railway Guide" without becoming q
raving maniac, l unhesitatingly exalt to the
rank OF the superhuman. Brave generals
may lead valiant armies To great victories and
De greeted by the lusty cheers of their admir-
ing countrymen, the lad of poverty and OBJ
scurity may. by untiring energy, unremtting
perseverance, raise himself from the humblest
state to the highest office in the gift of the
nation, the poverty. stricken but ambitious
bank clerk may, by one master stroke in imi-
tating the directors chirography, suddenly
gain position of affluence and honor and
thereafter be accounted one of the worlds
greatest financiers, but that Incompetent sible
being, to me the greatest of ancient or modern
wonders, who can discern the dark secrets and
unravel thehidden meanings of HCook's Conti-
mental Railway Guide'' without becoming
either wild-eyed lunatic or dotng imbecile.
Is, beyond ashadow of doubt the greatest of
them all
"We must have this railway guide" ex-
planned to Smith. "Couldn't possibly get
along without it. Gives everything in a nut
shell. suppose we want to know about a
train, just turn to the road, run right down
the column to our place, and there you are,
just opposite the time of arriving, departing,
reaching destination, and all. No one travels
without this indispensable guide,n and we
entered Cooks office and bought one of these
yelIoW-backed lunacy producers for shilling
which, considered in the light of an asylum
solicitor, was absurdly cheap. 1 put it into
my grip and longed for an opportunity to use
It, We knew the times OF the trains leaving
London and did not have occasion to consult
our ''comprehensive' guide till we reached
Ostend across the Channel, a few DAYS later
The boat landed us distressingly early and
we'remained in the deserted station for two
hours before any one was astir How T
shfvered in that cold, damp waiting-room.
ventured outside once aud came near tumblino
into canal. One or two yillainous. lookinG
Italians were sleeping on the seats and the
night was uncomfor'ably dim There We're no
officials around aud we were left with these
Italians the sole occupants of the station.
The morning was foggy and altogether dis
agreeable The cold Chilly winds from the
Channel penetrated TO one's bones and ii
seemed daylight would never dawn l but
tenedu my oyercoaC and tried to read the
signs but could only make out word now
aid then. often find signs entertaining
when can read them, but even this source of
pastime was now denied me. Smith finally
stretched himself out on long bench and
went to sleep. l never saw any one sleep
like Smith. All that Smith requires to enjoy
sound sleep is some sort of support. Moth
ing ever wakes him. In Italy one night
they began celebrating one OF their numerous
holidays about IL O'Clock. They let off all
their heavy artillary and fireworks, just under
our window. They kept up constant can
nonading, fizzing, and booming till about 8
IN the morning. The noise was sufficient to
awaken the dead and feared lest my hearing
would be PEI imanently lost. When Smith
aWoke about s O'Clock from refreshing nights
sleep he inquired where the odor Of burnt
powder that filled our room came from. He
laughs at me when in the middle of the night
get up and pound sticks into the windows
TO Keep them from rafting, and says | am
nervous. If Smith were in "a railroad wreck
at night and two or three coaches happened to
be piled on top OF him l feel certain he would
sleep calmly through It all and only awake
when he had finished his nights rest Smith
was now fast asleep and Ifelt lonesome. |
thought OF my railway guide and decided to
look up our train for Antwerp via Brussels
1t was with great difficulty found a time
table that even mentioned Ostend. Finally [
found long list of towns in a column in the
middle OF the page, and Ostend occurred
about half way down. AT the right aud at
the left OF this list were great many figures
little ngures, big figures, TAT figures, lean
figures, tall figures, short figures, bold-faced
figures, shy-faced figures, and all kinds of
mystifying and unintelligible characters were
scattered about that page; 1880" in black
type stood opposite Ostend and l followed the
column down to Antwerp to ascertain the
time OF arrival and here was the rather un-
usual announcement that the train reached its
destination at 9 O'Clock, having made the
entire trip in thirty minutes less than no time.
While wondering If the Channel voyage had
not turned my head little as well as other
parts OF my anatomy, my eye fell upon foot
note to the effect that bold faced type meant
''at night" so began a search for an early
day train. had no trouble in finding them.
According to that time table was lead to be-
lieye that about sixty trains an hour left
Ostend, for parts both known and unknown
l succeeded in finding trains that crossed
the continent in about ten minutes and
stopped at every way station between Ostend
and St. Petersburg. A great many trains
didn't seem to go TO any place in particular,
but would just loiter out Of town and stroll
around in the country awhile and then get lest
and no further meLtion would be made OF
them. l traced several into tbe Channel at
various points where doubtless they plunged
into the Drny deep on hearing that they had
been given place in Cooks Continental
Railway Guide" l don't blame them They
We're justified In committing the rash act No