The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1891-08-22

4 WHY WE LAUGH. -Onc OF the fun-
niest things that ever occurred in
this town was pulled off in good
shape Tuesday afternoon. On Mon
day we got a key of red ink from
Chicago, being the first thing of the
sort ever seen in this part of Ari-
IONA. Our esteemed contemporary
has bad great many things
to bear from us, and the red ink was
the last straw He sent us word
that he intended to shoot us on
sight, but we'd forgotten about it
when we started for the postoflice st
3 o'clock AS we passed Sante Fee
alley we heard a pistol go off, follow
ed by several successive reports, but
as there was nothing unusual In
fusilade of that sort we kept on. 1t
was not until we had entered the
Post Office that Cot. Irwin came
running in to inform us that we had
been shot at
1t seems that our esteemed con
temporary ambushea us at the alley
and fired his first shot. Then he
followed and plugged away five times
more without our suspecting it. aud
fiuding he could not accom- slish any
thing he sat down on barrel and
cried like boy. When we under.
stood the case we went back aud Of
fered to stand against the wall and
let him pop away for halfa day, but
he went off in petulant spirit with
out even thanking us. Poor old
daddy.
A WORD TO MAJOR JoNEs-We I'M
derstand that Major Jones is making
it his business to circulate around
town and tell everybody that we have
decided not to run for Mayor, even if
the nomination were offered us by
reclamation. In telling this the Ma
jor lies and knows he lies, No one
has authorized him to make any such
statements, and he is actuated only
by the basest motives. We not only
want the nomination. but we want
to be elected. and we shall work tooth
and toenail to get her.
A word with you, Major: If. after
your attention has been called to-
this notice, you persist in your mali
eious conduct, we shall take it as
personal insult That is, we shall
strap on our gun and meander around
town, and as we meander we shall
look for you. If you get the drop on
us we shan't kick, but if you don't
you'd better have instructions al :
ready written out as to where you
want to be buried
IT'S OUR wAY-There are over two
hundred subscribers on our books
who are owing us for two years sub
scription. Most of these are Eastern
people who have been accustomed to
paying for their paper about once in
fifty years. 1t will probably astonish
them TO know that we run things on
a different basis out here. We don't
want to be too sudden with them,
and therefore announce that this no
tice Is only preparatory. During the
next thirty days the delinquents can
settle up with hay, oats, corn, live
stock, barbed wire, hides. pelts,
whisky, tobacco or most ANYTHING
else. After that we shall mount our
mule and look up the rest of them
and we shall decline to be held re-
sponsible for results.
EXPLANAToRY-We understand
that Col, Childere is making great
blow arouBd@town about the little
affair of last Saturday, and that he
has induced some of our best citi-
zens to believe that we attempted to
assassinate him. While we have
lived here too,long for any solid bus
mess man to believe any such thing
of us an explanation is perhaps due
TO all parties.
The Colonel's wife is a poetess.
That is, she has copied poetry from
standard poets and brought it to us
original, and it has been published
as such in the kicker. On several
occasions we have suspected that ali |
was not right,but we are kind heart |
ed and willing to give a poetess
show. Saturday morning she
brought in poem entitled "The Old |
Oaken Bucket" We thought we'd
heard Of it somewhere, but she as
snred US that it was strictly original. |
She hadn't been gone half an hour
when our literary editor, who also
thought he'd heard of such a poem,
found that cur suspicious were cor
rect. The poetess had stolen the
whole thing
The Colonel happened to be pass
ing by and we called him in and
broke the news as gently as posi-
BILE. He flew mad in Il moment and
attempted 10 draw on us. II turned
out, however, that he had left his
gun 1T home. and we held him up
against the wall and slit his right
ear and let him go This is Il plain
and honest stalenie Mt Of all the facts,
aud SIC challenge denial.
NJ. QUAD.
Few children can be induced to
take physic without struggle, and
no wender--most drugs are extreme
II