Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1891-06-02
The ARIZONA KICKER
Some of the wild Ways of &c Ahead
journalism.


journalism.
Last December, when we had completed
the repairs to the picket fence surrounding
our private graveyard and counted up the
graves, we announced our earnest hope
that the number would never exceed nine.
We never really wanted to kill any one Of
the batch, much preferring to live at peace
with all mankind, but it was case Of
SHOOT first or go under" in each and every
instance, and it became our duty to shoot.
Everybody knows we have done the
square thing when compelled to outfit a
man for the far off country. We have
bought collins, furnished shrouds, got up
funeral professions and planted the immi-
grant on our own private lot, where his
headboard would not be taken by the cow
boys for aeucher table nor his bones become
the prey Of the coyotes. IL Is needless to
add that we shall continue to pursue this
liberal policy in the future, while the sub
scription price Of the Kicker will still re-
main at two dollars per year.
As stated at the beginning. we hoped to
keep the number down to nine, but cir
cumstances over which we had no control
erected a tenth headboard the other day.
In writing up Colonel Woodhouse's new
Iabtn lWo Wttiks di,O We JOCuldTlJ
to a cowboy as "Cockeyed Bill" 1t seems
that his proper title is "Squinteyed Will
iam," and he took offense at our license.
We have invariably noticed that when we
attempt anything jocular somebody dies
before the month expires, and we shall now
swear off.
Bright and early Monday morning the
gentleman with the imperfect optics opened
/ ha 90 xxsty.a q
deal of useless energy, and before we could
| give him G. q. ID. rates on half column
ad. he began banging away ut u.s. We
knew, from the way his first bullet chawed
its way through the straw hat we wear in
the Office that he meant business, and we
didn't allow any vision Of the dear old
home back in New England, with mother
standing in the door, stop us from getting
ready to return his courtesies.
William shot the hands off our Office
clock, split the ear of the Chinaman vino
turns the crank of our power press and
blasted the peaceful life Of a yaller cat
which we paid five dollars for in Tucson; but
when the cannonade had ceased William
had gone down the long, dark trail to join
his forefathers. We were, of course, prompt
ly acquitted before the coroner's jury, and
We Iulnh We hli buluB Wutu VIZ
got thirteen vehicles out to Williams fu
neral.
All our readers will bear witness to the
fact that we have exercised the greatest
patience in bearing the slurs and taunts OF
our esteemed weekly contemporary. On
three different occasions we would have
been perfectly justified in killing him, but
we restrained our hand because we knew
they would lose il he went under ground
We long ago decided TO pay no further at
tention to him, no matter what he said
but there was an item In his last ISSUE
which calls for word or two Of explana
ton from us.
Our lop cared. lop shouldered, knocl
kneed, slab sided, ramshackle, bald headed
poverty stricken cross eyed, web footed
toothless old contemporary, with an aver
age circulation of 2l7 copies weekly agains
our tens of thousands (see our sworn state
ments), says that we were cowhided in GU
own sanctum three days ago by a lad!
, named Miss Green, who Is a music teache
. lately arrived from Indiana.
His statement is an insult to young
beautiful and accomplished lady, who wa
at once accorded the ontray OF the bes
bOcleJy III lne bOWut anu WIN Cttnt hef
with letters of the highest recommends
ton from respectable people
Mrs. Green called at The Kicker Office i
the most amiable mood and with the mos
peaceful intentions. She simply and swee
ly desired us to publish one Of her origin'
poems, entitled when the Hens Egg Nest
Again." and we were thrice glad to do ~
II appears on our third page today, and "
feel that we cannot say too much In prais
OF IL.
Thus do we confound, paralyze, upse
break in two and knock out the huma
, hyena whose spiteful soul would blacke
our private character before this commul
ity, and with 1t the fair reputation of a
angel in female clothes. Words fail TO e.
press our contempt for this inhupa
r monster, but no advance will be made
our advertising rates.-M Quad in Ne
York World.