Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1891-07-11

through on freight trains, and thorough.
y posted themselves on the geography
Of the country they passed over.
Sir Isaac Walpole is, next to Brother
the best known colored man in
the world. He is the man who made the
discovery that 'possum oil and green per
simmons rubbed on the handle Of the
front door would keep a hoodoo away,
and his answer to Bob Ingersoll is re-
garded as the greatest dressing down that
celebrated unbeliever ever got. Sir lsaac's
motto is, Nobody was eber made to
change his opinyuns by bein' knocked
down wild a squash"
Waydown Bebee was for six years sec
rotary of the Limekiln club, and he was
the first resident of Michigan to spell
sugar" with an "h" and make go of
it. His published instructions, entitled
How to Detect Gunpowder in Stick
of Firewood," have saved thousands of
stoves in this country from being blown
up and rendered worthless. His motto
is, "Nebber lend money to man who
leaves his clothesline out frew de week.
Giveadam Jones is the individual who
used to guard the outer portals, lead in
trusive strangers down stairs, and take
possession of charters which branch
clubs had forfeited but refused to give
up. His looks are deceptive. lie is not
only naturally tender hearted, but has
a mind which runs to the sciences. lie
is the man who discovered that chill
blains were the result of lying with the
head covered up and the feet out of bed,
and was the first man in this country to
cure lopshoulder by fastening weight
to the other one and pulling it down on
a level. His motto is, "Allus hev some
of your own friends on de jury dat tries
your case"
Elder Penstock, Samuel Shin and
Shindig Watkins are known as the trio
who put in thirty-seven cents apiece
and discovered the science of perpetual
motion. but lost it day or two later
when the elders barn was struck by
lightning They are men of strong IN
dividuality, and if there is such thing
as proving to the public that the sun
moves around the world they will do II
before the summer is over.
When the regular meeting opened at
Watermelon hall, Saturday evening,
Judge Whyfore johnson arose and moved
that the rules be suspended, and that the
new arrivals be declared unanimously
elected as members. The motion was
seconded from all parts of the hall, and
was carried with such enthusiasm that
Colonel Catalogue Taylor burned his
shin on the redhot stove, and Professor
Shylock White broke pane of glass in
one of the alley windows and came very
near being fined Sl7 1000.
Applications were received from four
teen different states and Canada, aggre-
eating twenty-eight names. Among
others were those of Professor Anthony
Dawson, the colored mockingbird Of
Alabama, and Sir Godfrey Hazelton,
known all over the south for his essay
entitled "Why de 'Tater Bug Nebber
Attack. de Onion"
The committee on applications an
nounced that they had rejected the fol-
lowing applications for causes named:
Lord Enthusiastic Tompkins, of Louis
vile, for refusing to pay back pew rent
and for licking the trustee who came to
dun him for it.
General Disqualified Stebbins, of Co
lumbus, o., for going to the postoffice
fourteen times in one day and pretending
that he expected money order.
Uncle Henry Clay Green, of Terre
Haute, Ind, for leaving a job of white
washing at critical period and going
off to a dog fight.
A communication from the secretary
Of the Last Man club, of Cincinnati,
inquired if the Cotton Blossoms would
do them the great honor to affiliate and
exchange ideas on subjects Of vital in
terest to the people Of America
DE secretary will answer to de effect
dat we will do muffin Of de kind, replied
Brother Gardner with great deal OF
emphasis. About 70 vars ago was
I invited TO 20 TO Cincinnati and deliber
my lecture on Why Man Can't Fly.
| When arrove in de town was met by
/ a cross eyed Guild man, wild feet seven
/ teen inches long, who had been sent
down as committee. He stole my
sachel befo' we arrove at de hall, an
dOorin' my lecture somebody sneaked
my plug hat an somebody else picked
my pocket of seben dollars in cash
When ! raised row / was hit below
de belt wild cabbage head an frowed
down stairs an left for dead. We doan
want no affiliashun wild any SIGH pussons
On de contrary, if Ieber cotch any mem
Der Of dat club in New York ! shall pur
coed 10 make him wish he had nebbe
bin bon" - NJ Quad in New Yorl
} World.
. N.gg.. Of Tat.