The Russellville Democrat., 1891-06-11

lie and gin, ln the mOrnin- l should go to the Poles arly. l should stay there all day. Ishould see to it that my nabers was thar. I should git car riges to take the lzripples, the infirm and the indignant thar Ishould be on guard agin frauds and sich should be on the look out for the infamus hse of the enemy, got up jest be4 clecshun for per litical effeck.
 When all was over and my candydate was elected, I should move heving & erth-so to speak-until 1 got orfce, which if I didn't git n orfiee l should turn round and abooze the Administra- tion with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bisness. I'm in far more respectful bisniss nor what pollertics IS. wouldn't giv two cents to be Con gresser The wuss insult ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, My friends. dostest think I'd stoop to that therey" They turned as white as sheet. I spoke in my most orfullest tones, & they knowd wasn't to he tri- fled with. They slunked out of site to onct
 There4, havin no politics, made bold to visit Ole Abe at his hurnstid in Spring field. found the old feller in his par Ter, surrounded by perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of q flat boat on the roarin Mis- sissippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, .Old Abe, ahoyi Let out yer main-suls. reef hum the fore castle & throw yer jibpoop overheard. Shiver my timbers, my hearty" N. B. This is ginuine mariner langwidge. | know becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theater fellers. ] Old Abe lockt up quite cross & sez, Send in yer petition by < by. can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, can't. It's onpossible. sir."
 "Mr. Linkin, who do you spect airy sed I.
 "A rfice-seelxer, to be sure" sed he.
 "Wall, sir" sed I, .yous never more mistaken ill your life You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my per feshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me-boh Of them. cum to pay friendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. If so be you wants to see me, say so--if not, say so & I'm orf like a jlg handle.
 "Mr. Ward, sit down. am glad to see you, Sir"
 'Repose in Abraham's Buzzum" sed one of the orfice seekers, his idee bein to git orf goak at my expense.
 "Wall," sez 1, lief you fellers repose in that there Buzzum thare'll be mity poor nussin for sum of youl" whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear mp and blusht like maidin of sweet l6. Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm of orfice seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. I thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was now perfeckly oyerhowed with orfice seekers all clameruss for immejit in- terview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as ''The Pra- hayrie Flower of the Vest" Thinks l you want of1iss pretty bad Another man with gold heded cane and red nose told Old Abe he was a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Bound hss West"
 Sez I, Square. you wouldn't take q small post-offiss if you could git it, would youS
 Sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things, sir."
 .'There4 .. .,utty big crop of patrits this season, aint there, Squire?" sez l, when another crowd of of'ss seekers pored in. The house, door yard, barn os woodsbed was now all full, and when another crowd cum told em not to go away for want of room as the hog pen was still empty. One patrit from n small town in Michigan went up on top the house. got into the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe was endevering to keep the hungry pack of orfice seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The mint he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled: Don't make eny ointment at the Spunkville postoifiss till you've read my papers All the respectful men in our town is signers to that there docky- mentl"
 "Good Godr cried Old Abe, ''they cum upon me from the skize down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yearthw He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delilzit mouth before two fat ofliss seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of appiyin for the toilgate- ship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, and he would hev gone sprawlin into the fire place if hadn't caught him in these arms. But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate before another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head strikin me vilently agin the inards and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor. MT. Linkin," shouted the infat- coated being, ''my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, and like wise the slscolmasterl"
 "Sez l, lyon egrejis ass, gittip up < brushin tho dust from my eyes, s.Tll sign your papers with this bunch of bones. if you don't be little more lxeer- full how you make my bread basket a depot in the futer. How do you like tllat air perfnmcryT sez I. shuying my fist under his nose "Them's tine kind of papers I'll give youl Then's the papers B0H want'"
 .Bnt 1 workt hard for the ticket; soiled night and dayl The patrit should Dc rewardediv