St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1891-01-17
STRETCHED FROM LIFE.

A man stood on an upturned dry
goods box yesterday at the corner OF
Seventh and Minnesota streets. talking
at the top of his voice. There was
crowd round him, and every once in
while a hand was reached out of the
throng, 50-cent piece found its way to
the orators pocket, and small packet
to that of the purchaser. He was a
Quack dOctOr-a pale-faced man with a
watery eye and an aSthmatic cough
which he vainly tried to conceal be-
hind a red pocket handkerchief, while
selling bottles of blood mixture alleged
to be the only panacea and true uni
versal medicine. This man delivers an
extraordinary discourse on the subject
of health. His lecture has probably
been word for word the subject of many
a nights gutter entertainment, but it is
none the less remarkable because SO
utterly audacious. He cheerfully in
forms his hearers that life is made up
of cradles and collins, smiles and tears.
He would ssorn to stoop to the mean
subterfuge of eXaggeratiOn in telling of
the curative properties of this world-re-
nowned blood balSam. When this
genius opened up shop in the gutter he
performed, amid confusing whirlwind
of verbOsity, few simple chemical eX-
perimentS, which he says illustrate the
beneficent effect of his particular blood
mixture upon the. human system. He
also displays, as an auxiliary to his
remarks. coiored charts, awful and be-
wildering in their delineation of the
human anatomy, together with skulls,
bare bones and collection of teeth, the
very sight of which is enough to set any
ones teeth aching for week. This
knight of the gutter also springs, for the
delectation of mis- audience, hair bal
sam. TO illustrate its power for good
on bald scalp he says that he once
treated an old fellow who was engaged
to lady much younger than himself.
The prospective bridegroom was per-
fectly bald.
1.-The night before his marriage" says
the palterer, II treated him with my bal
sam. 1t is matter of record that when
he was on his way to the brides house
next morning he had 70 go into three
barber shops to have his hair cut"
While all this talk is going on the
quarters and half-dollarS are rolling in
steadily, and the fakir took in more
money IN an hour than a flrst-class
mechanic could earn in week.
There's story in connection with
Pat Killen's son and heir. which is con-
sidered good deal of a j oke on the big
fellow. OF course every one knows
that Pat never had anything to do with
babies before-this was the first. Nat
urally enough, he wanted to weigh it,
so he hunted up an old pair of meat
scales. slung the youngster in shawl
from the hook, and begun to weigh
him.
.I'll start him Off at eight pounds"
said Pat, sliding the weight along the
beam to that figure.
lit won't do. He weighs three times
as much as that!" sssssE
He slid the weight along a few
notches further.
"Great Scott" he yelled. "He weighs
more than ten pounds! Eleven-twelve
-thirteen-fourteenw
He set down the baby and the scales
and eyed them both suSpiciously.
Biggest kid of his age ever l heard
Of" he said. He tried again, and that
baby jerked the scales up at the sixteen
notch without any trouble.
Hi, you. Jasper" yelled the aston
ished father, run like hill for big
pair of scales. I'Il bet $50 this baby
weighs twenty pounds"
Say" he calculated, rushing into
Mrs. Killen's apartment. 'that's the
biggest baby in the United States;
weighs over twenty pounds"
'sWhat did you weigh him on?" asked
the mother.
ION the meat scales"
Pat" was the quiet rejoinder,
'bring me the baby; those scales only
weigh ounces"