The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-05-29

l upon me snail 1eel COmpelu 10
X&j resign the position in favor of
~ sum more worthy person. Mod
esty is what ails me.
meanter-say, shall hav to resign if
I'm drafted everywheres I've bin inrold.
must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in up
ards of 200 different towns If I'd kept
on travelin' 1 should hav eventooaly be-
cum Brigade, in which case / could
have held Il meetin and elected myself
Brigadeer-ginral quite unanimiss.
hadn't no idea there was so many of me
before. But, serisly, l concluded to stop
exhibitin', and made tracks for Baldins-
vile.
My only daughter threw herself onto
my boosum, and said, at is me fayther!
thank the Gods!'
She reads the Ledger.
Tip US yer bunch of fives, old faker"
said ARTEMUs, JR. He reads the Clipper.
My wife was to the sowin' circle.
knew she and the wimin folks was havin'
pleasant time slanderin' the females of
the other sowin' circle (Which likewise
met that AFTERNOON, and was doubtless
enjoyin' themselves ekally well in SIAN
derin' the fust named circle), and didn't
send for her. allus like to see people
enjoy themselves.
Ny son ORGUsTUs was playin' onto a
foot
ORGUSTUS is ethereal cuss. The twins
was bildin' cob-houses in corner of the
kitchen.
It'll cost some postage stamps to raise
this family, and yet It 'ud go hard with
the old man to lose any lamb of the
.ock.
An old bachelor is poor critter. He
nay have hearn the skylark or whats
nearly the same thing Miss KELLOGG
and CARLoTTY PATTI sing; he may have
hearn OLE BULL fiddle, and all the DoD-
woRTHs toot, an yet he don't know
nothin' about music-the real, ginuine
thing-the music of the laughter of
happy, well fed children! And you may
ak the father Of such children home
to dinner, feelin' VERY sure there1l be
no spoons missin' when he goes away.
Sich fathers never drop tin five-cent
pieces into the contribution box, nor
palm shoe pegs off onto blind HOSES for
oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when
their country is in danger-nor do any
thing which is really mean. Idon't mean
to intimate that the old bachelor is up
to little games of this sort-not at all
but l repeat, he's a poor critter. He
don't live here-only stays. He ought to
'pologize, on behalf of his parents, for
bein' here at all. The happy marrid
man dies in good stile at home, sur
rounded by his weeping wife and chill
dren. The old bachelor don't die at all
he sort of rots away, like pollywog's
tail.
My townsmen were sort O. demoral-
lied. There was evident desine to
evade the Draft, US I obsarved with sor-
rer, and patritism was below Par-and
Mar, too. A jew desprit.] hadn't no
sooner sot down on the piazzy of the
tavrun than l saw sixteen solitary hoss-
men, ridin' four abreast. vending their
way up the street.
What's them? Is it cavilryY'
THAT" said the landlord, sis the
stage Sixteen able-bodied citizens has
lately bot the stage line tween here and
Scotsburg. That's them. They're Stage
drivers. Stage-drivers is exempt"
saw that each stage-driver carried a
letter in his left hand.
"The mail is heavy today" said the
landlord. "Gin'rally they don't have
more'n half dozen letters tween 'em.
Today they've got one apiece! Bile my
lights and hver!'
"And the passengers?'
"There amt any, skacely nowadays"
said the landlord, land what few there
is very much prefer to walk, the roads is
80 rough
"And how list with your" inquired of
the editor of the Bugie-H Horn Of Liberty,
who sot near me.
81 can't CO." he sed, shakin' his head
IN a wise way. Ordinarily l should de-
light to wade in gore, but my bleedin'
country bids me stay at home. 1t is i'm
peratively necessary that / remain here
for the purpose of announcin' from week
to week that our Gou'me,I is about to
take rigorous measures to put do,on the
rebellion"
/ strolled into the village oyster ga
loon, where l found DR.. Schwazey,
leadin' citizen. in state of mind which
showed that he'd bin histin' in more'n his
hare of pizen.
"Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered;
'how's yer grandmams? When you
yoin' to feed your stuffed anilnils?"
whats the matter with the eminent
physicianT pleasantly inquired.
"This," he said, 'this Is what's the
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