The record-union., 1891-04-19
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.

1t is not good time to read the Bible
while your wife is out in the rain cutting
tove-wood.-Ihe RAM Horn.
Teacher-''To what circumstance is
Columbus indebted for his fame ?"
Tommy-"To the circumstance that
America was not already discovered -
IeTdS SiftingS.
"How's this, Dauber? You've painted
Father Time with a moving machine
instead ola scythe." THAT'S all right.
We artists of the modern school keep up
with inventive progress"
Bellamy-''I IF the theories of socialism
were adopted, sir, men would live as
happily as children do now" Smith
-" es; each one watching greedily to see
that nobody else got q bigger apple"
Intelligence has just reached me-"
began Mr.. Blodger, as he sat down to the
dinner table. THANK heaven ifit has, at
last, exclaimed Mrs. Blodgor, and the
food was partallen of in silence.-LoaoeU
Citizen.
Mr.. Saymuch Ito Opera Queen)-'sYou
are like lily of the field. You toll not,
neither do You spin" Opera Queen
Slightly offended Then you haven't
seen my dance in the last act."-C Ch7iStian
Register.
A wealthy man was asked not long
ago to subscribe to q worthy charity. II
should like to contribute" said he, 'but
/ have SS00,000 in the bank not earning q
cent, and really can't afford it. t.''-BoSton
IrGreter.
II think you are perfect heathen, Mr..
Boggs," said Mrs. Boggs, a prominent
worker in the church charities. 81 wish
| were," said Boggs. You might pay
me little more attention then. .'-Net0
York Herald.
Wife-"You don't tell me that Professor
a. has been struck dumb2 2" Husband
" eS, last night. And he was master of
seven languages" Wife-"IS it possible?
And he was struck dumb in ali seven ?n
TEXAS SVtiagS.
Mrs. Hicks-"Who was the most i'm
pudent man you ever saw ?" Mrs. Dix
We'll, | always thought pretty well of a
fellow who used to drink my milk on the
tront step every morning, and ring the
bell for napkin"
Young Husband-"Well, my dear, did
you succeed IN finding stove to suit
you" Young Wife-"Indeed, I did.
Such good luck! l got a stove that will
never cost us cent for coal. The dealer
said it was self-feeder."
Jagway-'Was that you saw driving
around in carriage the other day? And
dollars you owe me-" rravers-'That's
nothing. You ought to see the bill owe
the livery stable. ."-Ru7pe3'S Bdzar
Il say, DOCTOR" said a nervous patient,
could you arrange it to send your bill
every two months instead of monthly ?7
Why, certainly; what for ?" ''Why, l
thought that perhaps l might in that way
skip relapse or two ?"-BoStoR Post.
Mr.. Jason-''I have half notion to
sell that corner house. | can't make il
bring more than . per cent. to save me.''
Mr. Jason-"Why don't you cut the
price Of it down One-half? Then it would
bring IN IL per cent" - Minneapolis
JOltyTtGL.
Country There's a sayin'
that Time is money but l don't take
much stock in it." Loafer-''You don't,
eh?', Country Storekeeper-'No, I don't;
an wish you'd spend a little more of
your money here am a little less of your
time."- Vest Shore.
Daisy F,lutter-"Oh, Maisy, I don't
know what to do. Old Mr.. Doddering
and Jack Margin have both proposed.
but" Maisy Marigold-"T&lle Dod-
dering. He's already rich and already
old. Jack is not sure of getting rich, but
he is sure of getting old.'
Blushing Bride-''I want to get pres
ent for my husband, but l hardly Know
what to get" Clerk-''Why not get one
of these nice silk mufflers to wear even
lngs?" Bride-"Oh, dear, no; my hus-
band never goes out nights" Clerk
We'll, you might get it for next
year"
Westerly-"Did you read about the
Texas girl whose fiance did not appear in
church at the time appointed?" Brown
mo What did she do?" Westerly
'She borrowed the minister's revolver
and asked him to wait q few minutes.
Within half an hour she came back with
placid smile and a submissive BRIDE
groom
COmplainant-"Yo our Honor, she struck
me in the face with her clenched hand.
That cash was cut by her ring" The
COurt-''Where did she get the ring?''
Complainant-''I gave it to her. 1t was
our engagement ring" The Court-"The
prisoner is discharged. This is clearly a
case OF contributory negligence. ."-JeUeJ-
erS' Weekly.
''It doan pay to do much tallzin' wen YOU
mad enuff TO choke,
'xaSe de word dat stingS de deepes' am de one
dat's neber spoke:
Let the other fellow wrangle till de storm am
blOwed away,
Den he'll do q pile oh thinkin' bout de things
you didn't say. Pack.
An amusing incident occurred recently
at Essegg. in Austria. In play called
''Die Hochzeit Won Valein,' the heroine
has to die, her death being brought about
by villain who shoots her with pistol
tthe critical moment the weapon misses
fire, but the actor was equal to the
emergency and exclaimed at once, "Die,
then, the first victim Of smokeless pow
der.'
"See the man in the fur cap?" a friend
asked of me as we sat in an elevated car.
He once did me the greatest favor I
ever experienced, and yet from that time
to this we have never spoken" What
was it?'' asked. Went off with the girl
1 was just going to marry was the an
swer, land ever since he has had to sup
port her mother, brother and two sis
1ar -