The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1891-06-04
BOB INGERSOLL'S WIT
His Recent Great Speech at a
Banquet in Helena.
THE SECRET OF CONFINEMENT.
Anecdote OF Mrs. Jones, OF Chicago-The
Home IL the emit OF Good Govern
ment-Colonel's Land Hobby.
Helen. Independent.

''OuT tlsltlnE frlenOS, " dS ds
Mr.. President and Gentlemen: 1t has
been said that contentment is the greatest
possible wealth, and suppose that next
TO absolute contentment. and nearly
exactly the same thing, Is perfect sell
satisfaction. Laughter / think 1 nave
found it here. Laughter and applause
IL has been said that an old minister IN
Kentucky, endeavoring TO impress 1bo on
his hearers the beauty of the heaven tney
were about to go TO, provided they Joined
his church llaughterl, after exhausting
all the superlatives of which he was
master wound up by saying: Brethren
and sisters in short, it's regular OLD
Kentucky place" Laughter suppose
You are expecting in another world, SIM
ply another Montana daughter and
applause fGovernor Hauser: That's
all we want''l Well, it is delightful TO
see a man who thinks he does live right in
the middle Of the regained Eden, and to
have the feeling. not only that he lives
in the right place but that everything
he does is right. daughter That he has
got all the information necessary Laugh
teri A few years ago fellow from Massa-
chusetts was down in South Carolina, and
as he walked along the street. after he had
been there some time, there was an old iel-
low mailing sign upon his house, FOR
Sail, /" and this Massachusetts, fellow looked
1T the old man and said. THAT isn't the
way TO spell sale" And the old fellow.
with a great deal of contempt, turned TO
him and said:
How long have you lived in Charles
ton ?"
We'll, he says, II have been here about
aWell. young man." said the Charles
toulan. II was born here: | guess | know
how 10 spell sale" Loud laughter and
applause.i There is nothing so beautiful
rs confidence in the place where you re-
side. Laughter. Ii was further Illus
tfated by Colonel Sanders in very pleas
ing way when he compared the Senate of
The United States 70 the legislature of
Montana [laughteri. very much, as / I'M
derstand it, TO the disadvantage of the
aforesaid Senate. Laughter. They tell
story of Mrs. Jones, of Chicago, who Wis
tied Rome, and while there was shown
some of the great marble masterpieces of
the world, among others the Apollo Bel
videre. They pointed il out TO her as be-
ing the most perfect form of man that had
ever been conceived by the brain of an art
ist; and the old woman walked all around
it, looked at it from every point of view,
and she says:
That's the Apollo Belvidere, is it?"
well, give me Jones" Loud laughter
and applause
Nothing is more affecting than such mar
ital confidence and such domestic faith;
and by the side of that put the patriotism
OF the colonel. Well, gentlemen, seri-
ously, l am delighted that you are de-
lighted. TLaughter.l | am glad that you
prefer this 10 any other place in the world,
and i hope that your dreams will all be
realized and that this mountainous coun-
try will produce most marvellous race of
men and women. But there is fat part
Of this state, | believe l came through
several hundred miles where / didn't see
much but fat What are you going to do
With that part Of the state Now, the
mountains having been spoken for, allow
me 10 say one word in favor of the rest OF
the state. Now, as matter of fact, some
OF the greatest people of the whole world
have lived where the earth was as fat as
the average presidents message. Laugh
ter. We must remember that old
Van Tromp, a Dutch admiral, sailed
up and down thu British channel
with . broom at his masthead, saying, II
have swept the ocean clear of English
commerce" and those people, not in sight
OF any mountains; nothing higher than a
bed where they planted tulips, produced
some of the noblest aid some of the most
wonderful men of the world, and above all
the greatest painter, in my judgment. that
ever mingled soul with paint. Rembrandt
IApplause.l l say this simply for the
sake of the fat country. | agree entirely
with the commissioner of the general land
office that the mountains have produced
some of the noblest men. / admit that,
but l want you TO understand that all
parts Of your state are equal in the pro-
suction of very fine American citizens.
Now, | like ali of the country, in
Guiding Montana TLaughter.l There are
no great affection-what little l know of
them; but l have great hope even for
those states, because this thing called CIV
iiizaiion Is growing every moment every
where, not only here but in other coun-
tries. and we are becoming as has been
well and beautifully said, a much
greater people from year to year.
There was in the United States of
America from the years %, '63 and 81.
for fifteen years, the most marvellous
eraltatlon ever attained by any race of
:aen. There was a time when we were in
iBitely in love with justice, with liberty,
and when we felt that we had given free
dom 10 every man, woman and child
standing beneath the flag. Now, my only
tear is that after passing through all that
splendid period, that we may come back
10 trade, that We may come back TO the
minor things of life, and TO what you may
call the harrssing details of business: that
We may then be governed little more BY
our selfshness; grow a little smaller and
all at once say: People enough have
come 10 this country; We don't want any
more, no matter whether they are OPP
matter whether any poor man, in some far
utf land, has dream tor has children and
says; II viii take them to the great
republic, where every man, no matter how
poor he may he. can take his little bow on
his knee and say: John, all the avenues
of distinction are open to you; there is the
schoolhouse open 10 you.
tell you that sweetens and makes ss-
cred every drop of swest that rolls down
the face of honest toll, and vet some peo-
PIE are saying, I'VE have got enough of
them; We have got enough" In nay
judgment IL IS all wrong, all wrong. III
ven look st the map of the country
about which so much has been said.
and so well said: Just take the
Mississippi river and its tributaries, all
that vast area drained by that system of
rivers. | tell you tonight there is plenty
OF room, plenty of room. to take care of
and feed and clothe and furnish roof and
raiment and education TO 6o0.0000Oo of
people. Loud applause We here in the
United States have got about one-seventh
Of the good land in this world, here in the
United States. There are only about 80.
o0,oQ of square miles in the whole earth
and great deal of that is taken IN by ice
and great deal of il by sand. We have
got about one-seventh of the good land of
the world and We don't want to begin 10
get narrow and little mean and little
contracted We must remember that our
ancestors, many OF them, landed upon
these shores as poor aS any human beings
have landed on any shore, and we must
remember that their sons are the most
prosperous in this world. 80 | want the
mast generous policy everywhere; / don I
mean by that that we take the criminals
of any country or that we take the paup-