The Russellville Democrat., 1891-05-28

| for to smoke the Calomel or feace WlIn me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin l grinder & scooted with Wild Hoop. Durin the cheaf's techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin | Grounds. If he dug thar will be fite. But enuff of this ere ReUen Moose Mtit- | tons, as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into him, cussycally obsarve. arrove at Salt Lake in doc time. At Camp Scott there was lot of U. 5. sogers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash the morlnons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beauti- ful but sumwhat onsartin games; got acquainted with sum of the officers. Thay lookt pretty scrumpshus in their Bloc coats with brass buttings onto um and ware very talented drinkers, but 80 fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull party. My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City. so called on Brigham Yung. the grate mogull among the mormins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in austeer manner for few minits, and sed:
 DO you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul. the immaculateness of the Nor min Church and the Latter-day Eevela- shuns%
 Sez l, I'm on it!" make it pint to git along plesunt, tho l didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at. He sed mite show. "You air marrid man, Mister Yung, bleeve?" sez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis.
 q hay eighty wives, Mister Ward. sertinly am marrid."
 "How do you like it as far as you hey got?" sed l.
 He sed 'middlin," and axed me wouldn't 1 like to see his famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind minglin with the fair Seek & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interesting wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is powerful big & in exceedin large room his wives & children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take the roof rite orf the house. Sum was pretty & sum was Plane-sum was helthy and sum was on the Wayne-which is verses, tho sich was not my intentions, as don't prove of putin verses in Proze rittins, tho eff occashun requires I can Jerk Poim ekal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fellers.
 My wives, Mister Ward" sed Yung. "Your sarvant, marms," sed l, as sot down in cheer which red-heded fe- male brawt me.
 Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward" sed Yung, 'I hay eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated land which air Sealed to me-"
 "Which?" sez l, gittin up.
 Sealed, Siri sealed"
 "Whare bowts?' sez 1.
 T sed, Sir, that they was sealedw He spoke in traggerdy voice.
 Twill they probly continner on in that stile to any grate extent, Sirr' l axed.
 Sir" sed he, turnin as red as billed beet, ''don't you know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev as meny wives as wants?'
 "Jes so," sed. "You are old pie ain't your
 "Them as is Sealed to me--that is to say, to be mine when wants um-air at present my sperretooul wives" sed Mister Yung.
 Long may thay waver sez l, seein should git into scrape eff didn't look out
 In privit conversashun with Brig ham I learnt the follerin fax: It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do it only onct a yere & sez 1t IS wuss nor cleanin house. He don't pre- tend to know his children, there is so many of um, tho they all know him. He sez about every child he meats calls him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air very expensiv. They alters want suthin & eff he don't buy it for um thay set the house in uproar. He sez he don't have minit's peace. His wives fite amung theirselves so much that he has built fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em get into row he has em turned loose into that place, whare the dispoot is settled accorsiin to the rules of the London prizo ring.
 Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individ- ooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny . horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop-handles, broom-sticks, and sich. Occashunly they git mad & scaid him with bilin hot water. When he got eny wage cranky thay'd shut him up in dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare off, springs git onruly Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake and steal all his close, there by compellin him to sneek home by sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. "I find that the keers of marrid life way hevy onto me-" sed the Profit, .s& sumtimes wish I'd renamed singel" I left .he Profit and startid for the tavern whare l put up to. On my way was overtuk by urge krowd of Mormons, which they surroundid me and statid that they were goin into the Show free.
 tsWall, sez l, If I find a indiyidooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know"
 "We'ye had Revelashun biddin us go into A. Wards Show without payin noth- inr' tbay showtid.
 "Yes," hollered lot of female Nor monesses, ceasin me by the coat tales & swingin me round very rapid, s'we're all goin in freel So sez the Revelashunr