Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1891-04-18
HUmoRs OF THE PATENT OFFICE

l
present chief clerk of the patent Of
fee has made for his own amuse-
ment is mine of humor, not unmix-
ed with pathos. One cannot help
noticing in how many of them the
half formed notion of paternal
government is mingled with the idea
of popular sovereignty.
A "Stralght-out Democrat for
example; evidently thinks that he is
comforting favor when he informs
"Groyer Cleveland the fouther of
hour country Dear Sir and Presi-
dent of the United States" that he
has invented "new frate car coup
ler," in which the President may
have half-interest If he will Put
it through the Patent office" An-
other correspondent sends to the
White House a few friendly lines,
shopping to find you WELL" and all in
the cause of friendship suggests that
the President shall forthwith for
ward him q patent for liniment,
which he is sure the President will
be glad to learn has been tried on
the inventor and his wife and his
daughter 'for nineteen years" Oc-
casionally one meets with q pitiful
story addressed TO "his High Honor,p
begging for patent because the
writer ''is Citing old and wants to
give the children start in the world
somehow"
Quite different in tone are the let
tiers addressed to the Commits
sioner of Patents. No pathetic APP
peals are made to him. His cores
pondents tell him what they want,
and give him to understand that
they want it right off-as one says,
without fuling about it either +"
One individual makes modest de-
mand for 100000, because, he AYERS,
the government has offered that
sum as a reward for perpetual
moshun," which he tells the Com
missioner he has discovered. An
other will be contented with $4,000
in remuneration for San inch squair
block" whatever that might be. An
other insists that the Commissioner
has in his immediate control a large
collection of secondhand army sad
dies, one of which he wishes sent to
him Immediately. Another informs
that functuary that he bought a safe
which was patented in l843, and can
not find the key, and will the COM
missioner kindly send him a dupli-
cate key?
Proposals that the Commissioner
shall act as attorney for individuals
before himself, or shall make re-
duction in the government fees be-
cause one person proposes to take
out several patents, are not at all
uncommon. Letters warning the
Patent Office against granting pat
ents to rival claimants are in every
mail, and the reasons usually given
are variegated in the extreme. The
most original one encountered Is
that he (the rivaD "got mad at me
and tried to cheat me out of it
because he done the whiting" As
for odd things for which patent is
demanded, their name is legion. One
man wants to know whether his
name has been patented, and if not
he would like to patent it himself.
Another desires to patent the name
of "South Dakota if it would not
cost too much" And still another
wishes to be informed if he can get
a patent for "smell," with gener-
al description of ian exhibition of
odors or scents in an inclosed space :"
Perhaps for genuine humor the fol-
lowing is unique in it's way: 81 am
here as an exile, far from home,n
says the writer, whose numerous in
quiries have been answered, as usual,
by sending him a printed copy of
the Patent Office rules, land without
money. For though l own a farm
of % acres, had to fly like the lark
from the field of wheat for fear of
my life from frantic scolding wife.
So, | have great many ideas in
fire escapes from buildings. But
money makes the mare go, which
leaves my mare to totter, fall and
die; it is said, and it is true that
there is many a Socratus in the
hands of a pillow and many Uleses
herding sheep" The connection be-
tween the invention of a fire-escape
and the uncomfortable behavior OF
this gentleman's better half may be
inferred, but what is "a Socratus in
the bands Of a pillow ~
Here is the Chinese question in an
entirely new aspect, and it is needs
less to state that the letter comes
from the Golden State: "Mr. CON-
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