The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-04-10


H to Betsy Jane smellin of coal
VEa lie and gin, in the mornin. l
should go to the Poles arly. l should
stay there all day. Ishould see to it that
my nabers was thar l should git car
RIGGS to take the lripples, the infirm and
the indignant thar. Ishould be on guard
agin frauds and sich. l should be on
the look out for the infamus lise of the
enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for per-
htical effeck.
When all was over and my candydate
was elected, should move heving g.
erth-so to speak-until l got orfce,
which if l didn't git a orfice / should
turn round and abooze the Administra-
ton with all my mite and maine. But
Pm not in the bisncss. I'm in far more
respectful dismiss nor what pollertics is.
/ wouldn't Civ two cents to be a Con-
gresser. The wuss insult ever received
was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville
axed me to run fur the Legislator Sez
I, my friends, dostest think I'd stoop
to that there?" They turned as white as
sheet. l spoke in my most orfullest
tones, & they knowd I wasn't to he tri-
fled with. They slunked out of site to
onct.
There4, havin no politics, made bold
to visit Ole Abe at his humstid in Spring.
field found the old feller in his par.
Ter, surrounded by perfeck swarm of
orfice seekers. Known he had been
capting of a fiat boat on the roarin Mis-
sissippy l thought I'd address him in
sailor lingo, so sez l, "Old Abe, ahoyl
Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the fore
castle & throw yer jibpoop overheard.
Shiver my timbers, my hearty" N. B.
This is ginuine mariner langwidge. |
know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted
out by them New York theater fellers.
Old Abe lockt up quite cross g. sez,
"Send in yer petition by & by. 1 can't
possibly look at it now. Indeed, can't.
It's onpossible, sir!''
"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?'
sed I.
"a ce-seeker, to be sure" sed he.
"Wall, sir" sed /, ''you's never more
mistaken in your life. You hain't gut a
orfss I'd take under no circumstances.
I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my per-
feshun. I'm the father of Twins, and
they look like me-both of them. l cum
to pay friendly visit to the President
eleck of the United States. If so be you
wants to see me, say so-if not, say so
& Tn orr like jug handle"
''Mr. Ward, sit down. am glad to
see you, Sir"
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed
Of ha nv.ffr l.; -,
git orr goak at my expense.
WALL" sez I, "ef you fellers repose in
that there Buzzum thare'll be nifty poor
nussin for sum of your whereupon Old
Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and
blusht like maidin of sweet 16. Jest
at this pint of the conversation another
swarm of orfice seekers arrove g. cum
pilin into the parler. Sum wanted post
orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum
wantid furrin missions, and all wanted
sumthin l thought Old Abe would 90
crazy. He hadn't more than had time to
shake hands with 'em, before another
tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his
premises. His house and dooryard was
now perfeckly overfowed with orfice
seekers, all clameruss for immejit in
terview with Old Abe. One man from
Ohio, who had about seven inches of
corn whisky into him, mistook me for
Old Abe and addrest me as "The Pra.
hayrie Flower of the Westr' Thinks ]
you want a offiss pretty bad. Another
man with gold heded cane and red
nose told Old Abe he was a seckind
Washington & the Pride Of the Bound.
liss West"
Sez l, Square, you wouldn't take a
small post-offiss if you could git it, would
your"
Sez ne, "a patrit is abuv them things,
gir!"
'There's a putty big crop of patrits
this season, amt there, Squire?" seq l,
when another crowd of offiss seekers
pored in. The house, door yard, barn 6
woodsbed was now all full, and when
another crowd cum told 'em not to &c
away for want Of room as the hog-pen
W;s still empty. One patrit from a
sr'an town in Michigan went up on tor
The house, got into the chimney and slid
down into the parler where Old Abe
was endevering to Keep the hungry pacl
ot orfice seekeEs from chawin him NJ
alive without benefit Of clergy. The
no'pit he reached tho fireplace he jump,
u, brusht the SCOT out Of his eyes, and
ye.sed: "Don't make eny pintment al
ths Spunkyille postofRs till you've read
~ papers. All the respectful man il
en- town b 6gnau to tAnt thxe docky.
memtl"
'0ood God" cried Oad Abe, ''ths,
cum upon me 4rom theaAixe-dpwu -