The sun., 1891-06-23
A Humorous Platform.


A Humorous Platform.
The Ohio Republican platform is good
one as platforms 60. and It has the great
merit Of brevity. but 1t contains q number
OF passages that are calculated to touch tho
cachinnatory nerves. Thus:
1--WE favor such issislAton By conErsss and In this
STATE will In every practical mode encourage pro-
tses and promote s interests Of asr'ouiturs frotsc
tion labor and Of rights Of isborsrs such ~ viii
grant 70 toll m full and Just rswsrds among the nrst
obligations OF Government"
Translated from platform English into
plain English, this resolution means: I'VE
mean to get the Alliance vote II taffy will
do it." just what should be tho practical
mode whereby Congress should encourage,
protect and promote the interests OF agri-
culture. the Ohio platform carpenters
wouldn't tell for farm. In simple Justice
to tho Hon. JEREMIAH RusK. however, they
might have mentioned his massive mono
graph on tho diseases OF tho horse and his
meritorious but unsuccessful attempt to
distinguish wholesome mushrooms from
those that arc poisonous.
I'VE demand, and will continue to do
mand," continue tho Ohio humorists. until
finally and absolutely secured. tho free ex-
ercise by every citizen Of the supreme and
sovereign right to cast ono ballot at lawful
elections and have It honestly counted"
A convention In which FORAKER Is boss
would be bashful, one might think. about
mentioning the ballot speaking Of the
ballot In Ohio reminds US OF the ballot-box
forgery case. Yet va hop6 that every Ohio
man will have the right to cast ono ballot, IL
he hasn't now. and that no Ohio man will
try to cast moro than ono. And now for
some remarks on the subject of immiRra-
grafton. in which FoRAKER's dear friend.
Con. GRosvBNoR, Is 20 deeply Interested:
awhile inviting 70 our shores the worthy poor and
oppressed Of other nstiona demand the enactment
Of laws that will protect our country and our people
against the nux Of the vicious and criminal classes Of
foreign nations and the importation Of aborsrs under
to compete with eiti,sua and earnest
" approve the ririd enforcement Of existing laws By
the present national Administration"
There arc laws on the statute books now
to protect our people against the influx Of
the vicious and criminal classes Of foreign
nations. Are they not sufncient2 II not,
why didn't the Fifty-flrst Congress pass
moro stringent ones2 II they are sufficient,
they are not enforced, or else the vicious
and criminal are already excluded.
"we favor economy In the administration
national affairs" So certain person. said
to be q perfect gentleman and to have
peculiar feet, favors holy water. With that
Billion placarded on the mind Of every
man that can read, the Ohio Republicans
amiably pretend to bo in favor OF economy.
II the appropriations OF the Fifty-first Con-
9ress are economy, where does extravaganza
begin "We favor prompt and effective re-
straint Of combinations Of capi talsts for
purposes unlawful or at variance with sound
public policy" Docs the SHERMAN Anti
Trust law ensure such prompt and effective
restraint II 1t does,why arc 80 many new
trusts formed every month"; I'VE favor
people," Yes2 Meaning the BLAIR Educa-
tion bill, for instance which was beaten by
votes2
Tho Republican party. ever mindful Of
tho services of tho heroic mon who saved the |
Union, favors liberal pensions to the sailors |
and soldiers Of the republic and generous
care Of their widows and orphans" In |
the name OF the bankrupt Treasury aren't |
pensions liberal enough already7 How
many more millions year do the Ohio Re- |
publicans think that tho Government will |
have to spend for pensions before 1t can be
called liberal 1--WE commend the patriotic |
services Of our distinguished fellow citizen.
SHERMAN" Virtue is praised, but t
tis cold day for her all the same. saith tho |
Latin proverb. The Ohio Republicans have |
left their SHERMAN resolution Incomplete. !
They should have amended 1t by the inser-
lion Of the words: But we prefer to dis
pense with those services after the expiration
II his present term In the Senate"
1--WE congratulate President HARRISON and the coun
upon the selection Of the Ron FosrER a. tho
'serstsry of the Treasury assuring dsss an able
md sncsnt administration Of that great department.
Il the Government"
Which being translated Is: I'VE con-
rratulate ourselves upon having the benefit
II tho Treasury patronage In Ohio. There
ire no spots on Calico CHARLEY"
To the skilled reader the Ohio platform Is
Mighty good fun.