Telegram-herald. ([Grand Rapids, Mich.) 18??-1892, 1891-07-05
IN VENTILATED ATTIRE
BILL BIfKIB' AIRY, FAIRY PAyIs
Me Wife Leaves the Hoass LsDssy and
Dssslats-Hls Wardrobe G<ts sadly
Gus sf Repair and the Cas-
Grows - isAn shroPlc.

always goes somewhere 10 spehu Inc
summer A. is glvsa asr . much needed
rest from the cares OF home and the IN
cess4nt nagging of Bifkins- She has
been the rounds of Michigan resorts
from Ottawa Beach 10 Macklnaw Island
and this year srs resolved to so to the
seashore where she could smell the salt
air, think large lumpy thoughts about
the llmitlsss realm Or the ocean ana
test the penetratlvs powers Of the Jer-
sey mosquito. That Is Why she went to
Atlantic City. Poor BlfkIns remains at
home sweating away at his Office all
day and playing billiards At the Morton
all the evening with occasional cock
tail lnterludes- His comfortable home
Is cherries now. The blinds are closed
and the rooms smell as If there was
funeral IN the house that had been de-
has rubbed against his legs and covered
him with hair every day for
more than o year, SCENE 10 have
lost confidence IN him and his only
response 10 persuasive "Come Tom
my, Tommy" IS To hump up his back,
yowl disuially aud sneak through
ing what an effect woman has upon .
house. Mrs. Blfkins weighs Just an
even hundred pounds and she Is brim
full OF energy and inclined ID DO petu-
liant, but when she 10 on deck the house
Is home. cosy and CHEEKY. There is
no suggestion of Loneliness or emptiness
about the place and 1t does not seem
too large. Mr.. Bifkins weighs 2l0
pounds and he is by far the noisicst,
chesrest and most irrepressible man
VINO goes TO the ball games. He fills II
whole seat In car but when he goes
home he shoulders
With . Nameiess Dread
as he opens the door. The house
seems As dismal rs deserted barn in 4
back LOT. lie blows his nose and the
blast echoes and reYerbrates through
the rooms like fanfare of trumpcts
in the Mammoth Cave. Why 10 1t, he
wonders. that this vast bulk of his can
not deaden the echoes and why does
the house seem 10 lonely when a mere
armful OF femininity has gone away?
Poor old Bit; he doesn't know that
1yndall the great scientist puzzled
over this problem IN acoustics for many
weary years. tie published a remark
able work on the theories of sound and
wound up by saying that he didn't
know very much about the subject
after all. Bifkins goes into the bed
room to change his underwear. He
feels sure that there is q dead rat in
the room, but he can find nothing TO
verify the suspicion except a pair
OF socks that he discarded
last week. Now the trouble begins for
Bifkins 10 man who can never find
anything that ne is looking for, and he
has not butsoned his own collar In
seven years. Mrs. Bifkins had told
him just where everything he would
need might be found. but he had for
gotten everything before she was out of
the city limits. He undresses and then
rears and plunges about the bedroom
and closet, turns everything out of the
bureau drawers. breaks two locks and
makes theatmosphere ultramarlne with
his awful profanity, but he cannot find
things that he wants. He resumes his
clothing and goes down town swearing
that he will buy out Gardiner & Bax-
ter's whole establishments. BY the next
day he has cooled on aud he sits down
70 write Mrs. Bifkins.
DEAREST ARABELLA: You don't
know how miss you. You know that
you have always washed the back of
my neck and can't get at 1T very we'll
myself. You told me that all my
underclothes were IN the bureau draw
ers that were not locked. / presume
you told II IN good faith but you were
away oil IN your statement. I looked
through the drawers you mentioned
and have broken into all the others az ID
kound nothing that l could wear. /
sound . shirt
1rhink IL IL . shirt;
10 would make first-class garment for
Q leopard, for there 10 q hole for every
one OF hie spots. I have discovered n
pair OF drawers, of which the wastband
u the largest fragment; buttonless. bot
tomless and irresistIbly depressing in
effect. The pair with the large circular
patch, which you left lying on the bed
have worn. The patch was n failure,
for it parted in the middle and the
halves of 1t hung dismally down each
leg OF my pantsloons. causing me grsa,
bodily anguish. feet as If / had
ridden half mile dash on aAgrater
The above named articles are supple.
mented by several pairs of antique lace
socks Yesterday morning as | was
sitting upon an iron railing / noticed a
cold, chilling sensation stealing owe,
my person and upon examination
found hole of respectable proportion.
in the sedentary part of my pantaloons
This had come IN conjunction
or perihelion with a simila,
aperture in my drawers and
felt the iron enter my soul by the rraI
balcony. | went homo and tried tc
drag on my summer pants but either
bad grown stout or the goods hsv.
shrunk for when the legs of shs articI e.
were filed 90 the busting point, the
seat sas several inches below il normal
position. The case was desperate one
and | resolved to patch the breach in
my hreeches- found large piece o.
cloth about sIx by eight incnes and go
needle and thread. The rent wa
about four inches long aud half an
Inch wide and taking the patch
stitched the upper edge inst above ths
hole trusting to gravity 10 keep the
thing In place
My Trust Was B-trayed.
went down town wearing my brevit,
elpaca coat and meeting a group 81
friends was greeted with yells OF de
Yision. All eyes seemed fixed upon ny
pantsloous ard feeling somewhat in
keresfed I looked around for the Gauss
Of their higarlty. There was tina
sneasley patch standing out as stiff and
straight a. the sving 10 OF the Puritsn
I reefed ssll add bore down on IN.
home port This time I stitched IN.
thing fast all the way sround. so "a
as giving the patch that bulbous rotnn
a. -.
my case: ! hare failed, but ID wi
saxa una from, ayre.t urt,t vt,st es