Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1891-01-30
DEACON VS.. PARSON.

DEAOVlN w. L AnOON.
The Rev. Josiah Franklin Squinteye had
only accepted the passionate OF the Porcu-
pine Hollow charge three months previous
to the time of which we write, yet during
this time the parson had made great host
of friends is this assertion true
so far as the female portion of his flock
was concerned.
1t is we'll established fact that the peo-
pie of Porcupine Hollow believe and prac-
tice the doctrine of marrying and multi
plying the inhabitants of Arkansas in the
fullest sense of the term, and if mans
wife dies he has another selected to take
her place by his fireside before his ''late
lamented" gets cold, SO that accounts for
the scarcity of widows and widowers in
that region.
AS before intimated, the parson was cut
ting a big swath among the marriageable
women of his charge. In some manner
the intelligence preceded him that he was
a bachelor, and the fair members of his
flock formulated a series of resolutions,
each in her own mind, to outrival her sis
tiers. Every art known to the feminine
mind was brought into requisition, and
for two months it would have been ex-
tremely difficult to conjecture who would
gain the ultimate victory.
After two months had flown by on rapid
wings, however, the parsons heart lay at
the feet of an unpretentious but lovable
damsel, and for the next month his atten-
tions were given to her exclusively. That
fact had caused many of the good sisters
to grow green with envy, because one of
their more modest number had won so
much attention from the parson, while
they were left at the mercy of the few
eligible men in the matrimonial market.
Outside of this there had been nothing
to mar the fraternal harmony of the par
ish, nor had anything of an exciting char
acter happened since the parsons advent.
On Saturday evening, however, Deacon
Derby sent for the parson to visit his wife,
who was then wading out into the chilly
waters of death, and she passed over the
divide in few minutes after the arrival
of the parson.
The parson tried to console the deacon
on the ground that this loss was his wife's
gain, and spake in very fiattering terms of
the departed, to which the deacon replied;
''Ya-as, Sindy wuz er mighty dootiful
wife, an wuz err mos powerful hard wurk-
err an only las week she hoed ther ter
hacker down in ther bottom field, cut ther
sprouts outen the moo groun' corn on Their
ridge, toted err sack er corn ter mill, cleared
ther brush often that air acre lot down
thar by ther crick fer er turnip patch, an
made two hundred rails arter dom Their
housewurk, an yit We hev' Their gall to say
AT orter to be consigned an not complain
ner grumble ner nothin', wen Their haint
er womarD in Porcupine Holler at 'uld do
nigh ther wurk at she'd do"
''Oh," said the parson, 81 know it would
be hard to find her equal, and realize that
you will miss her very much, but her lot
here was full Of labor, and now that she is
at rest you should look forward to the time
when you will meet again"
'tYa-as, mebbe that air so, but it do pear
purity rotten bad 'at she he'd ter up an die
jes' at Their very busiest part O. the yer,
an it'll take nigh fifty pounds o. my las
yer's terbacker crap ter put FER erway, an
then thar'll be Their terbacker ter sucker'n
worm ergin mex week, an I'm ded sartin
ter hefter do it myself"
Eyes, but grEmbling will do no good
now, my dear brother, and then your wife
was faithful Christian, nd has gone to
that blissfui cline where the weary are at
rest, and therefore we should be glad even
in our sorrow for her blessed hope of a
bright future"
''That pears ter be all ye preacher fellers
think erbout, but We never onct think O.
ther expense wat er man is put ter wen his
wife draps off. I've had four wives aside
Sindy, an wen they upt an died | he'd ter
bury 'em, an it's cost me ernuff ter keep
me in terbacker'n Ticker fer four year ter
put 'em erway un'er Their daisies, but es We
say, guess it's no use ter argy emmy longer
erbout it. Thar's some nice walnut planks
down thar in ther boss shed 'at ! he'd sorter
sot my mind ter use fer er terbacker box
at we kin make her coffin outen, an eff
veil be erbleegin ernuff ter ak old Dan
Skinner ter come over an help me make
ther coffin I'll be erbleeged ter ye."
81 will do So" said the parson, "bnt
when will the funeral take place."
"Termorry, O. co.'s"
The funeral was largely attended, and
being the first at which the parson had
officiated in the parish he delivered an elo-
quent Grafton.
The next day half a dozen men were
seated on log in front of the store, and
the conversation naturally drifted to the
late bereavement of the deacon ana oue
finally said:
"Wonder who ther deacon III hitch onter
next?'
''He tole me vile we wuz maxim ther
coffin" said Skinner, '''at he had sot his
eve on Indy Wells"
"Goshimighty," exclaimed Tom jump
er, "but Their parsons got Ter solid enuff. !"
sTher parson hes bin er sottin' ter Indy
shore huff but I've er mind ter bet erplug
er moo priced terbacker 'at Their deacon
knocks his eye out 18th Indy less'n er
week." rejoined Skinner.
"rll go ye," said Jumper.
sSay, who's that er comm down yam
ler?" asked one, pointing toward the fur
ther side of the little stream.
cts ther deacon, bedad," said Squire
Munger.
"Hello Deacon" said Skinner, as he ap-
preached the crowd.
"Kiner blue terday," said the deacon,
taking chew of long green as he sat
lowr
"We've jes hin er talkin' erbout ye."
"Hev, eh?"
"Uh-huh feel tarnation sorry fer We,
but reckon yell git married ergin?"
"Ya-as, 'speckt will, mebbe, but hain't
he'd time ter think erbout it much yit.'
Thought We WIZ kin'er thinkin' erbout
knockin' Their parson out 18th Indy
WELSH said Jumper.
''Wal, reckon she'd be glad crnuff ter
git me- but he'd ter make Their coffin yis-
terday mornin' an bury Their ole 'onan in
Their evenin', an it tuck me nigh mos ther
hull day ter straighten erroun' arter that,
an hain't bin ter see Ter yet, but ef Their
squire'll go 18th me We'll jes' go over'n see
'er, an hev it done 18th"
''Look yanderr' exclaimed two or three
in breath.
sWho be it?'' asked the deacon, adjust
ing his glasses,
"I'll be dadgast my gizzard eff it hain't
ther parson an Indy" said Skinner.