The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1891-10-02
HITS AND MISSES.
CONTRIBUTED By A. sPARRER.
aDe on.ni re sei1iH & qui1usdam aus. !"

CONTRIBUTED By A. sPARRER.
"De 0mns re sci5i6 ct QHi6uSdam Gtiis."
So the political problem is solved at last
We seem to have disquieted ourselves fc
naught.
For it is not literature, nor natural selection
nor yet competitive examinations, but agr
culture which has come to the rescue.
When our two candidates for the govern
orship have their blowing match, we ma
feel the question is definitely settled, fairly
honestly, in right good fashion, and in wa
that old Adam himself might approve.
Certainly the honorable gentlemen, in dis
carding ballot boxes, ballot stuffing, bossism
and ringsters may be said to open the guber
Material chair to honest labor, while th
Honorable Gentleman who will pillow himsel
successfully into office, will have earned hi
honors by the sweat of his brow.
~
Competitive examinations, being showed
aside from the political field. might be utiliz
ed in the matrimonial market.
The abuses existing therein are as motor
ious as Tammany at its worst.
From all sides comes The cry that marriag,
is failure.
Where shall we look for the cause OF al
this trouble?
Not in the institution, which is as old and
as eternal as life; not in the little blind god
IA, hou hop dali oh
to mix matters, always joins hands in hap.
py marriage.
The evil must lie at the. very root and
branch-at the choice of partner for life.
Heaven no longer makes most of our
matches, and no one seems to know how TO
get the right mate in the right place.
Maneuvering mammas have had their day,
matrimonial agencies never succeeded in ty-
ing very hard knots, we have no court and
diplomacy to arrange such affairs in high
life, neither can one in the matter of husbands
go out into the highways and hedges and
compel them to come in.
To BIN that hath shall be given more
abundantly; one woman buries six husbands,
and tears husbandlessl
Statistics show very conclusively that in
our State woman dies by the thousands
dies minated and unloved, while over yon-
der in another State man wanders lone and
bu,tonless, looking for his Eve.
80
Chemical affinity might fetch 'em, only a
laboratory savors too much of fire and brim-
stone.
Another thing, put woman to dabbling
among jars, siphons, retorts and crucibles,
and the first thing you know there is spon-
taneous combustion.
From the very nature of the case this is one
time when woman should put finger in the
pie.
Just here competitive examinations come
in beautifully. The stakes are open to all.
Let Washington be headquarters. Let our
chief executive have another cabinet officer.
This is serious, vital national affair, and it
must be diguifled and upheld by all the ma
chinery of a well-regulated government
Let the Hon. Secretary of the Nationa
Matrimonial Reform Bureau be well equip
ped with staff of officers, list, I'd, Sd and 4th
Assistant Secretaries, clerks-female of course
-pen, ink and paper, with formidable ar
ray of red tape
Let the Hon. Secretary and assistants spend
four months by the sad sea waves and in
mountain coaching. Nothing so accelerates
the rusty wheels of office as these summer
outings.
Then by the first of the year, all being in
good paying order, they can round up with
examination papers TO be shed broadcast over
the land in the early springtime.
Then "young mans thoughts" ETC., while
the element of uncertainty always stimulates
the female mind.
Bachelors and many times married ones of
either sex will be taxed for the running ex-
penses of this department, with the treasury
surplus to fall back upon.
The questions will be prepared each season
by professor appointed by the Hon. Secre-
tary, said professor to make affidavit to his
own happy married state.
~
Now for the sweepstakes, when Glory Hal
lelujah well all come marching in
The average will run up to 1000. The one
whose paper rates the highest is mated to the
one OF his opposite sex who comes in with
the next highest average, and 30 on, down to
q certain minimum, when the stakes are clos
ed for that season.
We draw veil over the last great scene,
the grand finale, when the bride is borne to
the altar by Uncle Sam and the happy couple
march proudly down the aisle to the tune of
Hail Columbia
80
Oh happy day when we can look back
ward upon the time when divorce mills and
divorce colonies flourished When our mag
aznes we're filled with the plant of those who
found marriage failure, when we will wan
der no more through our graveyards seeking
in vain the happy legend Sacred to the men,
DRY of Jane, beloved wife," etc.
~
And yet with all this there will be some of
them never satisfied, mo matter what you may
do for them.
The man who seeks divorce because his
wife shores in the morning instead of cook
ing his sausages the couple who parted be-
cause neither was willing to make the kitch-
en- fire the much-married young woman in
Chicago whose firtations sent one man to
prison for three years, who married another
nan secretly in 1890, who in June last had
a. ,other clandestine ceremony with yet third
m: IN, this to be annulled few weeks ago,
an. +, who in September, 1891, was party to
sec. nd ceremony with the second man these
and other matrimonial freaks might well stag
ger a. W other government than cur own.
*.*
IT'S ssd com mentary on our boosted en-
lightenn tnt that even the word matrimony
must be shOe.l by q staid purVeyor of child
ren's storie :.
To wit, not N any weeks since MS was
sent to well kpo, vn Philadelphia paper.
1t was q stony # 'r girls, written with an
ethical purpose, swe 1T and innocent, ''char-
acter sketch" of the grandmother of our
,,o,tb x,ho oa,Dad ar ectaeled and Knitting