The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1891-09-12


Says he:
| Before got in politics, dear Bandit,
l had pulpit, and right well mannedit.
l used to tell the story of the cross,
| But now just talk politics and boss.
I'm down on ingalls, now, for his position
| l do not think real sound on prohibition
This preacher politician all Kansans
knows. He passes on to Wichita.
The next victim who appears is tall
stranger with spectacles. After some
dickering the bandit asks, cart thou a
farmer" mo" says the stranger, 81
am an agriculturist."
Bandit: ''What is the difference?"
| Stranger: 1.-THE farmer works the soil,
The agriculturist works the far
mer."
| The stranger tells about how ingalls,
failed to give him an office, and the
bandit after telling him
"Thou hast more poetry than picayunes,
More spondees than spondulics."
let's him go. This old stranger proves
to be General Rice.
The next man who comes along is
editor of an anti-Ingalls paper. He
claims that he has brains but no wealth.
Alonzo cuts his head off right above the
ears with this prologue:
"That will take and with this CHASTITY steel
Which now in circles with violence centrifugal
/ brandish, all above thy ears will discover,
And make thee like the headless hen of
Wichita. fed through the gullet with goose
Quill. All that thou modest is thy
Cerebellum in these past bellum days.
A bowler of calamity
He needs no brains for damit e,
Can work on cheek and vanity,
Big whiskers and inanity''
The editor walks off in this condition,
apparently none the worse. Also a
lawyer comes along, who, on his way to
the Garden City calculates:
"Round
Myself / wrap the crusted mantle of forensic
Glory-Ill be chief justice yet"
He has nothing either The bandit
becomes discouraged. He is catching
cold
"A hollow cough combined with hollow cof-
fers,"::
when another, a barefooted person,
comes up. who gives the countersign,
Down with Ingalls," Jerry Simpson
here recites faceteously how he beat
Prince Hal, and how
THE bark that held the prince peeled or"
After rather prolific output of blank
verse, Jerry says:
MY district expects
Me to produce territorial humidity and divide
The rain-belt with the seaboard states. Ingalls,
Could not accomplish it. What has he done for
Kansas? All she needs is rain. She having
Rain has grain, and having rain had ingalls,.
He could not make it rain, hence naught for
Kansas had he done"
The very best thing in the whole poem
is this. Ii drops out OF Jerry's pocket as
he departs:
viii somebody please explain
Why we do not get any rainS
We've got prohibition,
Behold our position:
No whisky, no beer, no rain
VIII somebody please explain
Why we haven't got any graini
It's lack OF humidity,
Kansas avidity
Because OF no rain. no grain.
VIII somebody please explain
Why we haven't got any brain?
Because all sterility
Envies ability.
No rain and no grain-hence no brain"
This viii repay a second and third
reading.
After Jerrv's departure a Ching"
which calls itself a High Moral Plane
comes along, and after criticising Ingalls,
for his vanity more than anything other
attribute. suggests this as an epitaph for
his political tombstone:
Up was be stuck
And. IN the very Upness
or his stucktitude
He fell
Still the bandit can not come by any
cash. Nobody has anything. By and
by he blames the government and to a
chance traveller, Calamity Bill, laments:
by force
OF business necessity compelled to rob and
Steal. because there Is only eight dollars
Per capita IN actual circulation.
Calamity Bill sympsthizes with
AIonzo and tells him how much bsftsr
his way is of robbing the public. 81 can
rob more men, in fifteen minutes, than
YOU can in years" he relates how It is
worked. How they Will elect PETER or
s mattress. And then make nonsv with
printing presses and eventually scoop the
farmers in. The bandit catches on, and
after a short struggle with his conscience. ]