Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1891-03-29
HOW TO COURT a WIFE.
1t is Not the Same Thing as Counting "A
Maid, as Polhemus Ably Demonstrates.
Chicago Tribune

Polhemus Diltz set his lips firmly to-
gether. buttoned his coat, and started
for home.
1T was as much my fault as hers, he
muttered, THAT when | went home the
other day with the idea of counting my
wife I didn't seem TO succeed. | ought
to have known better than to bother heI
when she was picking pin-featherS of
an Old hen and Bridget was taking an
afternoon off. | won't make blundeI
like that again.
About half an hour afterward Mr.
Diltz entered the family mansion. He
found Mrs. Diltz in the sitting room
Merely remarkng that it was chilly
day he threw package carelessly into
the fire that burned brightly in the
CRATE.
'What is that Polhemus?" inquired
Mrs. Diltz, somewhat sharply.
Nothing but my pipe and cigar
case" he replied with yawn. "I'vc
sworn off from smoking"
Mrs. Diltz looked pleased but said
nothing.
1T will save me at least 500 year
Mary Jane" observed Polhemus, with
another yawn, a. he walked aimlessly
about the room with his hands in his
pockets, land the habits nuisance
anyhow"
1T certainly is, aSsented Mrs. Diltz.
Pm glad you've outfit you'll only
stay quit"
Mr.. Diltz continued his aimless walk
about the room. Presently he brought
up in front Of small closet that he had
been in the habit of hanging his smok-
ing cap and smoking jacket in. He
opened it, took those garments out, and
inspected them.
"While | am about it" he said. "I'll
make a clean job of it. III hang these
things i'm the wOodshed, and the next
tramp that comes along can have them.
You can use this closet for anything you
like. Seems TO me-" continued Mr..
Diltz, resuming his nonchalant walk
about the room, and extending his stroll
into the room adjoining, 1--WE don't have
more than about half enough closets in
this house. II / were building a house
for human beings to live in I'd put in
fifty of 'em. Now, here's place under
this stairway where could have good
large closet made. Isuppose you'd OBJ
ject TO it though"
mo. / wouldn't" responded Mrs
Diltz, warmly. at would Just suit me,
Polhemus."
"Well, I'll have it done" And Pol
hemus kept on yawning and Strolline
leisurely through the rooms.
mi l. 4
ventured his wife. somewhat timidly
where | should like to have closet:
built or shelves put up, while you're
about it.
"All right. You can have all you
want"
Mrs. Diltz went behind a door anC
Rugged herself. Mr.. Diltz continued tC
walk about unconcernedly.
"What-what will you like for din
ner this evening, Polhemus?"
Anything, Mary Jane-anything. ]
don't know but I'd like some hot bis
cults. only"
"Only what?"
Bridget doesn't know how to make
good biscuit"
why, Polhemus! Do you like my
biscuits better than Bridget's?"
Il never eat anybody's biscuits but
yours if can help it,"
"Oh, Polhemusl"
Mrs. Dltz came nearer TO her hus
band. For the first time in eleven year!
she threw her arms about his neck-but
nobody has any business to be intruding
here. Please retire"
1T isn't such a laundering hard .ob
even for a married rhinoceros Of clever
years standing, to court his wife If he
only knows how to get at it right" said
Mr.. Diltz TO himself as he went about
the house the same evening at a.late
hour locking up things for the niht.