davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
An FnrIisbman Couldn't See 1t

Little Marshall P. Wilder. the famous
merrymaker. is perennial, and has hu
morous skit for every hour of the day
This is one of his latest, illustrative oi
an Englishmans appreciation of humor
l have been in England, and l have
studied English humor. Its fundamen.
tai principles are not related to the
American article that raises a cyclone Of
laughter An Englishman was dining
at "a swell hotel out west, and after he
finished his regular dinner he asked fol
sweets. A waiter from the Bowery had
gone west for employment, and was
waiting on the particular table at which
the Englishman sat.
''And phwat Is sweets, SURF asked the
waiter.
The Englishman finally explained that
he meant dessert, pudding, etc.
I'VE ave apple and mince pie" said
the Bowery man.
Give me mince pie"
whats der matter wild der apple
pie" asked the waiter in hard, I-don't
care-a-continental tone of voice Many
heard the remark and laughed. An houl
later l happened to meet the English,
man, and he asked me if l heard the
waiter ask him what was the matter
with the apple pie. said Yes Ther
the Englishman naively asked me:
"Well, what was the matter with the
apple pie:"-New York World.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
In the Minority,

An African traveller was recounting tC
a company his hairbreadth escapes in
the jungles and savannas about the
great equatorial lake region. He had
encountered there, he said, the mos
savage and bloodthirsty men in TIN
world.
Gas we were marching" the traveller
related, "from Nmgosji to Gohangbo,
we suddenly found ourselves in the midst
of most terrible and desperate combat.
And what odds! Ten to one?"
''Were you one of the ten? asked a
bystander.
Sir" said the explorer, grandilo-
quently, 81 wish you to understand that
was one of the one. youths Com
nanion
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Short Shrift.

One of the leading banking firms in
Paris. on the recommendation Of Lon
don correspondent, engaged an English
clerk of the name of Stephenson. For
about three years the mans punctuality
was altogether unprecedented. He came
to his work at 9 in the morning and did
not leave the Office before the last stroke
of 5. He was not man, he was clock.
Besides, during the whole time he never
asked for holiday. One fine morning,
however, to the great surprise of his su-
perior, Stephenson blushingly craved
permission to absent himself for an hour
on the following day.
Next day at u he left the Office. 1t
was observed that carriage stood wait
ing for him at the door. At o'clock he
drove up again in the same carriage and
resumed his calculations as cool and self
possessed as if nothing had happened.
This short absence puzzled the brains of
all the employees in the bank. The prin-
cipal himself, eager TO obtain the solu-
ton of the enigma, invited this paragon
of clerks to dinner Between two glasses
of Chambertin the banker said, You
will not think me indiscreet if l ask you
what you did with yourself in that hours
leave of absence you applied for last
Tuesday,"
''Ohl dear no." replied Stephenson, 81
went and got marriedr'-Messager
Boiteux.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
That Lovely Narcissus.

Narcissus was a NEUROLOGICAL young
person who had so much beauty that it
was in the way. He was interrupted
during Office hours by people who want
ed to admire him, and case went on
record of womans thinking so much
of him that she would always keep still
until he got clear through talking. AT
last he got a good look at himself in a
mirror, and he said he couldn't blame
them. He felt that he was menace to
society, and history says that he drowned
himself But he didn't.
He went and got a pair of voluminous
trousers, decorated his eye with large
piece of glass, took the fit out of the
back of his coat, showed his chin out of
place with his collar, and went about
bis business satisfied that he had restored
their peaces of mind to the feminine
members of his acquaintance. But it
was in vain. And he is obliged to de-
vote large portions of his time-in fact,
nearly all of ito the search for i'm
provements that will make his garments
effective for their true purpose. In the
meantime he is obliged to go on bother
somely Observation-Disclosures Post.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
To Cure CorpuIency.

To open the sewerage system of the
body and expel the waste matters which
have accumulated is of the first impor-
tance in the treatment of corpulence.
Hot water and exercise will largely do
this That the overworked digestive or
gans may be relieved the quantity of
food should be the smallest possible con-
sistent with strength. Foods which bur-
den digestion or favor the production of
fat should be excluded from the diet.
Every corpulent person who observes
these simple rules will soon find himself
growing lighter in weight and his gen
eral health improving, physical as well
as mental. His gain will correspond to
the degree of faithfulness with which he
adheres to this regimen. And once he is
back to near the standard of weight he
will need no urging to ever afterward
obstruct threatening corpulency.-Bos-
ton Herald
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

WHILE we rightly rejoice in all the
processes of civilization which tend to
remove present difficulties and to make
life and work simpler and easier, let us
ever remember that they can be valuable
to us only by enabling us to climb high
er, to pursue nobler objects, to occupy
fresh fields of activity, and produce
finer results.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
InsuIted bK a Woman.

''Oh, yes, I'll remember Detroit: no
fear about that" said sweet voiced Dora
Wiley as she rocked to and froin an easy
chair in the Russell House. 81 shall re-
member it as the first place in which l
was really insulted, and by a woman
too"
How and when did all this happen?'
asked the reporter.
''One night this week. continued Miss
Wiley in reply. "a woman sat in one
of the boxes with her back to the stage.
One could bear that sort of thing for a
little while, but when an auditor turns
his or her back squarely on you for a
whole evening you cannot drive from
your mind the impression that an insult
is intended. Well, that was the feeling
that came to mind as scene after scene
of the play went by, and still that wom-
an sat there.
81 became SO annoyed -exasperated, /
might say-that l could hardly sing at
all. 1t affected others on the stage the
same, but perhaps to a less extent. The
legitimate result, of course, was to take
our minds off our work to a certain ex-
tent, and to a measure the audience suf-
fered by the acts of that one woman, al
though, perhaps, they may not have no.
ticed it. Detroit Journal
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
MONKEYS as Coin Testers.

1t is said that the great ape of Siam is
in great request among the Siamese mer-
chants as cashiers in their counting
houses. Vast quantities of base coins
are known to be in circulation in Siam,
and, according to advices from that
scorched up little oriental kingdom, no
living human can discriminate between
the good and bad coinage with as much
accuracy as these apes. These monkey
cashiers possess the faculty of distin-
gushing the rude Siamese counterfeits
in such an extraordinary degree that no
trained banker can compete with them
in their unique avocation.
In plying his trade the ape cashier
meditatively put each coin presented to
him in his mouth and tests it with grave
deEberation. From two to five seconds
is all the time this intelligent animal re-
quires in making up his decision. If the
coin is all right it is carefully deposited
in the proper receptacle; if base it is
thrown violently to the floor, while the
coin tester makes known his displeasure
at being presented with the counterfeit
by giving vent to much angry chatter
ing.-St. Louis Republic.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
GRAINS OF GOLD.

Only the base believe all men base
Cold prayers never bring warm bless
ings.
Enough is always little more than
we have.
Beware of the thing than bad men are
in favor of.
There are too many people who like to
tell bad news.
We all hate the truth that hits us be-
tween the eyes.
The bad thing about little sins is that
they grow so fast.
It's no use running; to set out betlmes
is the main point.
1t is a real gain to lose that which
keeps US from God.
When a man lives to please himself ne
lives to please the devil.
Good advice: know thyself and keep
the information to thyself.
A stingy man is the last man in the
world to find out that he is one.
If you want to live long, don't try to
live more than one day at time.
The man who conquers himself fights
a battle that is watched from heaven.
The only way by which love can be
measured by what it is willing to suffer.
The greater the house built on poor
foundation the more foolish the man
who builds it.
There is nothing like a grudge for fill
ing a mans mind to the exclusion OF
everything else.
There are people who never have any
thing very good said of them until it is
done On tombstone.
The most delicate, the most sensible
of all pleasures consists in promoting
the pleasures of others.
The best form of responsive service is
that which consists in putting a good
serman into good practice.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Cheap Funerals in New York.

A Hester street undertaken says: ''Fu-
nerals don't come very high in this
neighborhood, but such as they are the
poor people seem to have trouble paying
the bills. / furnish what is considered a
respectable funeral for $3.50, but that
does not include any carriages. The
coffin and the hearse attendance is all
that / can give for the money. The
people in this neighborhoed are mostly
Polish Jews and Greeks, who are nearly
all very poor, and $3.50 represents a
small fortune. Only few of them, in
my experience, have ever expressed any
objection to having their dead buried in
Potter's field, but they all are sensitive
and superstitious about the funeral, and
will sacrifice almost anything to obtain
a coffin and hearse.
''They seem to have no idea of the
value of our money. A woman, whose
husband died the other day, came to me
with brass ring, which she thought l
would take in exchange for a coffin. She
was very much surprised when refused
her, and offered to work for me for a
year if would only give her husband a
decent funeral. He was finally buried
at the expense of the city."-New York
Letter.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
An Old New Orleans Custom.

If you have plenty time to loaf and OBJ
serve everything that passes before your
gaze you will notice on nearly every post
in the French quarters there are little
hand bills tackled up and bearing the
heading "Decede." Beneath this there
IS additional printing, all, however, in
French. These are death notices. which
seemed to be used instead of the newspa-
ers to announce the invincible hand.
#hey state the hour of the funeral, etc.,
and the name of the deceased.
As general thing these notices are
tackled up all over the French section in
an hour after the person has died. 1 no
ticed several upon which the printers
ink had scarcely dried, and which an
nounced the demise of some unfortunate
which had taken place only few min
utes before.-New Orleans Cor Rich
mond Dispatch.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Neatly Caught.

The following is told of a judge before
whom man was being tried for steal
ing gold watch from woman as she
was entering bus. The man declared
the watch was his. and the woman was
mistaken in identifying it as hers. Sud
denly the judge asked:
Where's the key?"
The prisoner fumbled in his pockets,
and said he must have left it at home.
The judge asked him if he wound the
watch frequently with the key, and he
said Yes"
Then key was procured, watch and
key were handed to the prisoner, and he
was told to wind the watch. He opened
the case but could not find any place to
use the key, because the watch was a
keyless one. The sentence was five
years.-London Tit-Bits.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
COulRn't Dance.

One of our northern friends who has
been travelling in the south found him
self at railroad station at which quite
crowd of negro boys were gathered.
Some of the passengers amused them
selves by tossing nickels out among the
crowd to see the urchins scramble for
them. One strong fellow managed to
get the lions share of the contributions,
using his superior skill and muscular
power to good advantage and imposing
upon the weaker and more awkward.
With his mouth, which answered the
purpose of a pocketbook, full of coin
obtained thus by hauling, pulling and
showing, he was invited to dance for the
delectation of the company, whereupon
he unhesitatingly declared that it was
impossible, for, as he said, "Tse got re-
ligion." That was where he drew the
line. He could pound and shove and
misuse his superior strength to obtain
money from his weaker companions, but
he couldn't dance.-Richmond Religious
Herald.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
We've All Been There.

"No," said Fogg, ''it's no use for me
to go to concerts. 1 went once, and liked
it well enough too; but great guns!
when l took up next mornings paper |
was flabbergasted. 1t told of rambles in
bosky dells, slumbrous musings over the
dimpled waters of the gurgling brook,
the soughing of summer breezes, the
roar and rush of the winters storm, the
merry singing of birds, the frolickings of
lambs, the daisy piled fields, the lovers
soft glances, and-and in fact half hun
dred other things that didn't see or
hear when that fellow was fiddling at the
concert. 1t made me so ashamed of my
self that all these things were going on
right in front of me and not know it
that just made up my mind that con-
certs weren't in my line. Boston Tran
script.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

HOPE is based upon faith, desire upon
caprice. The former is almost always
calm and steady, moderate and reason
able; the latter is often impulsive and
unsettled, extravagant and unreasonable
for desire, with its present longings,
anticipates only momentary gratifica-
tion, while hope, with its moral bearings,
looks forward to some permanent good.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Cash Girls.

While talking with James Miller, who
has been floor walker in one of New
York's big emporiums, but has set up a
store in a neighboring town for himself,
he said to me: 'The newspaper which
will take up the cause of the im>nature
children who are engaged as cash girls
in the large stores of New York will be
doing great work for humanity. have
no means of knowing how many cash
girls there are in New York, but should
say about 10000. Fully one-half of them
are under fourteen years of age, and
many even under twelve. They are moi
governed by the factory laws of the
states which prohibit the employment of
children below certain ages in factory
work, and they are subjected to drudgery
that is sometimes terrible.
''If 1 was obliged to make choice fo1
my own children of such ages, between
a factory and one of the big stores,
should choose the factory, where their
labor would be of such character as to
keep them busy all the time. In the
stores they have idle moments, when
they learn all sorts of wickedness. ss.-New
York Press
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

The big family of railroad men, brok-
ars and lawmakers who take their even
ing relaxation at the Windsor hotel are
enjoying story from General Schuyler
Hamilton. 1t comes from the legisla-
tive halls of a western state, where an
ambitious member attempted his maiden
speech. He had written out his remarks,
which began, There is one thing l can
not see," and reached the Capitol on the
eventful day set for its delivery, conf
dent that the manuscript reposed safely
in an inside pocket.
Getting the speakers eye, the new
member began. There is one thing, Mr..
Speaker, that cannot see," meanwhile
diving into his coat for the speech. II
was not where he expected to find 1t,
but fearing to lose his chance, and still
confident that it would turn up, his
hands flew around to the pockets of his
coat tails, and he continued, 81 say, Mr.
Speaker, that there is one thing cannot
see." The precious paper was still elu-
sive and the member began to plunge
through his pockets i'll desperate hunt
for the speech. His associates saw his
plight and became interested.
Il repeat, Mr.. Speaker" he clustered,
"that there is one thing 1 cannot see.
By this time the assembly was snicker-
ing. The speech could not be found and
the speaker was stumped. He took his
seat, red and perspiring, with general
guffaw to add to his discomfort Then
rose the wag of the assembly.
''Mr. Speaker" he said, ''the honora-
BILE gentleman from Winona informs me
that there is one thing he cannot see.
There is also one thing cannot see, but
which every other member can see, and
that is the back of my neck"
The member from Winona has indefi-
nitely postponed his maiden effort
New York Times.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

The world is great public school.
and it soon teaches new pupil his prop
er place. If he has the attributes that be-
long to a leader, he will be installed in
the position of leader; if not, whatever
his own opinion of his abilities may be,
he will be compelled to fall in with the
rank and file. If not destined to great
ness, the next best thing to which he
can aspire is respectability. But no
man can be either truly great or truly
respectable who is vain, pompous, and
overbearing.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Diamond Smusglers' Devices.

Diamonds are smuggled into this
country by good many strange de-
vices remarked a voluble customs
official the other day. mot long ago l
examined the baggage of newly ar
rived tourist and found in it a beautiful
set of silver mounted brushes. Curiosity
prompted me to lift one. heard some
thing rattle and investigated, with the
result that found over $4,000 worth of
stones concealed in the backs of these
brushes. Another individual had the
heels of his boots followed out and fitted
with drawer which he filled with dia-
monds. One day one of the heels came
off and disclosed the hiding place of a
number of valuable jewels. New York
Telegram.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Strange Wants.

They must have strange herd OF
sheep in New Zealand, where a settler
announced that he wanted ian indus
trious man to take charge of 5000 sheep
who could talk Spanish" He must have
been related to the young lady who an
nounced 'that she could do all kinds of
sewing and embroidery except music. =
A western "ad." reads: ''Wanted an en-
ergetic young man for retail store
partly out of doors, partly behind the
counters" A contemporary asks what
will be the result when the door is shut.
Providence journal,
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
To Pres.rve Shoe Leather.

A German chemist has invented a
preparation which, it is claimed, when
applied to the soles of shoes, has the eff
feet of increasing their wearing capacity
from five to ten times, besides making
them waterproof. The preparation is
applied after the shoes are finished and
the soles are buffed. The right to use it
has been sold to the Bavarian govern
ment for the army. The inventor says
it has been tested in the German army
satisfactorily.-
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
WAY OF THE WORLD.

Aloft on the bough the fair fruit hung,
Caressed by the wind and kissed by the sun
And standing below as it swung out of reach
One IOnged for 4 taste of 50 luscious peach
One just as perfect was lying below
Where the tickle wind tossed il hours ago;
Its tints as dainty. its form as round.
But nobody cared-for 1t lay on the ground.
1t is ever the fruit that is just beyond reach.
Be il fame or honor, or love or a peach,
That man longs for the most-why we nevel
will know,
Yet he scorns to pick where the fruit grow
low.
Ada E Field in New York Herald.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
What an 'sInch'' of Rain Means

Few people can form definite idea of
what is involved in the expression, "An
inch of rain" 1t may aid such to follow
this curious calculation: An acre is equal
to 6,272, $40 square inches; an inch deep
of water on this area will be as many
cubic inches of water, which, at 227 to
the gallon, is $4,000 gallons. This i'm
mense quantity of water will weigh 220,-
900 pounds, or 100 tons. One-hundredth
of an inch O.0D alone is equal to one ton
of water to the acre.-St. Louis Republic.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Advice tO Women,

A good piece of advice floating about
now in the magazine world is: eff you
wish to be agreeable in society, you
must be content to be taught many
things which you know already" 1t
might be well to add that you must be
more interested in other peoples good
stories than in your own, in their aff1ic-
tions than yours, and be careful not to
far outdo them in dress or entertain
ment, and if you are woman don't be
too pretty.-Exchauge.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
The ThouchtfuI Manager.

Mrs. De Style Gin theatre box)-What
was this placard, "No Loud Talking" T"
put in our box for?
Mrs. Forundred (after refection)-I
presume the manager left it here so we
could show it to the people on the stage
when their chatter interrupts our con-
versation.-New York Weekly.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
He-I don't understand you.
An Acre of BanannR.

An acre of bananas will support twen-
ty-five times as many persons as an acre
of wheat; 1000 square feet of land, grow
ing bananas, will produce 1000 pounds
of nutritious substance; the same space
devoted to wheat or potatoes will pro-
duce only thirty-three pounds of wheat
or ninety nine pounds of potatoes. Cur
rent Literature.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

It has been concluded that whatever
preservative is to be applied, the timber
for piles subjected to the action of sea-
worms should first be charred, SO as to
kill any germs near the surface, open the
pores of the wood for the antiseptic, and
destroy the nutritive matter upon which
the worm lives while beginning its ac-
tiOn
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
ST. CLAIRSTTLLE DIVISION.

All trains daily except Sunday. All tlainS make
close connection no 81. CairSvillc Junction with
trains running East for RallmOre, Washington,
Philadelphia and New York, and with trains run
ning West for Columbus, Cincinnati, Chicago. and
all points West,
For further Information call on Il. & o. ticket
agents, OF address q, T. McCarty, Asst ten Pass.
Agent, Cincinnati, Ohio: l.. l.. ALEU-, Asst Gen.
Pass Agent, Chicago, IN.
j. Il. ODEI.I. G. q. SCtlL,
Genl Manager Gen1 Pass. Agent.
kpW. DICKINSON, Gen Supt
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18
Spoke Too Ouick.

Mr.. Repplier Cplaying cribbage)-
What very fine crib board, Miss Pas
see!
Miss sassee playfullyHA gift from
my very frst sweetheart, Mr.. Repplier
when | was only Is.
Mr.. Repplier with polite INTEREST," +
Indeed! That is quite the Oldest crib
board l ever saw - that is er-J
ean-.-West Shore.
Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1891-06-18

Edward Everett Hale, the Boston
preacher, is 70 years old, but few men
are buster. He breaches, edits maga-
zine and weekly newspaper, leads mis-
sions, dips into politics and is also the
president of innumerable societies.