Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1891-01-01
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
TESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Did Not Follow A Natural Cues
tion.-She Didn't Know-Nothing
TO be Gained, &C., &c.

TO be Gained, &C., &c.
DID NOT FOLLOW.
'Did you ever notice that children
often turn out almost the exact opposite
of their parentsl"
"Oh, yes
"By the way, did you know my
father?"
every slightly, but always heard he
was most talented man. y st. Joseph
News.
A NATURAL QUESTION.
"Of course, love will make the world
go round, but what's to make the kettle
boill'
II don't altogether see the needs of
its constantly boiling, dear
"Why, love-" she continued, ''if not,
how else in the world could | keep YOU
in hot water?"-[ Philadelphia Times.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW.
"Yes, | heard all about her engage
ment last night Her chum was in our
theater party, so it's reliable"
"Were you at the theatre? What was
the play9"
"Bless me. now that you remind me,
! don't remember. But we had splen-
did time, and her engagement is certain. :"
i Philadelphia Times.
NOTHING TO BE GAINED.
Little Son-What was you and Mr.. De
Bate talkin' so loud about2
Father-We were having an argument
about the duty on copper. He thinks it
ought to be removed, and | think it
ought not.
"Would removing it make pennies any
cheaper"
mo, my son."
"Then don't see the use of bothering
with it. "-[Good News.
AN AWKWARD SITUATION.
"Pa, wish you'd get a girl to mind
the door," said Ethel.
"Why"
"Because it was very embarrassing last
night when that odious Mr.. Barrows
called for me to tell him | was not at
home. VI New York Sun.
EvEN-HANDED JUSTICE.
Justice-You are charged with COM
hitting an assault on this man and black
ing his eye. What have you to say, sir?
Gentleman-Your Honor, my wife lost
pet dog, and caught this fellow
bringing it back.
Justice--You are discharged, but as
for you, you miserable scalawag with q
black eye, the next time you steal a
lady's dog and don't keep it, I'll
send you up for six months.-[New York
Weekly.
REAL NICE REPLY.
eyes," said Miss Amy, reflectively, 81
was born with silver spoon in my
mouth. "
at must have been very small spoon, y
replied Mr.. Dolley.
ARRANGING THE OFFICES.
..'Now, in this little republic we arc
going to establish" remarked young
Mr.. Hunker to his fiancee, "of course, ]
shall be President"
eyes," replied the rare and radiant
maiden; "and pll be Secretary of the
Treasury"
perhaps, we had better consolidate
| the offices of President and Secretary o.
the Treasury" suggested the young man
You can have a cabinet place, how
ever. How would you like to do you
own cooking and so be Secretary of tht
Interior?"- New York Sun.
UNAvAILING REGRET.
Millosch in Vienna one day undertook
for wager to eat ten large suet dump
lings, if the other man would stand hin
in drink. The bet was accepted and ht
began to eat, but only managed to polisl
off nine of the lot. After a long and
meditative stare at the last one which
was left on the dish he lifted up his
finger and said:
"Had but known that you would b.
left would have eaten you first"
EASILY ANSWERED:
Little Marjorie has an inquiring mind
She is pursuing her education according
to the Socratic method-of question anc
answcr-and keeps the older members
of the family pretty well employed.
ooh, papa" she cried, running afte
that busy man as he was just starting
or his Office, "wait just minute, please
| have two important questions | want tc
ask you"
81 can't stop now, Marjorie" said hcl
father, '1'm in a great hurry this morn
ing"
'It won't take you but just minute
to answer them, papa, pleaded Marjorie,
"for you always know about every
thing"
"Well, what are they?" asked papa,
not quite proof against this tlattery,
though his hand was on the door knob.
81 knew you'd wait, " said Marjorie in
triumph, "and all l want you to tell me
is how they make condensed milk and
who were Abraham's forefathers, please?"
"Ask your mamma, Marjorie" said
her father as he fled from the house.
sTUNG TO SHE QUICK.
'Icre, Bill, take this chair" said the
groceryman.
"An' let you standl" said the Gus
toner 81 don't want ye to stand on my
account a mint"
"Gettin' dretile particular all to once,
amt yer" said the groceryman. "I've
knowed things to stand on your account
over year.
And the outcome of the argument
which followed was the transfer of Bills
account to the other store.-[Detroi
E,aa Dracc