davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1891-01-15
HUMOROUS.
Catch Morls-Stop thief.

Catch words-Stop thief.
A handsome thing in shawls--pret
ty girls.
Employer.-"Well, Patrick, which is
the bigger fool, you or p
Patrlck-"Falth I couldn't say, sor,
but it's not mesilf.
Teacher Go class)--'1n this stanza,
what is meant the line, The shades Of
night were falling tastl'
Bright Scholar They were pulling
down the blinds
What do you want?
Your daughters hand.
Can't do it. Take her as a whole or
leave her. We don't do an INSTALL
ment business here.
He is an ungentlemanly fellow.
When he rescued me from drowning
last summer he Rugged me, and Ia
never met him before.
You wrong him, Ethel. He wasn't
sugging you. He was only wringing
you out.
Bobby-Is every word in this die
tionary pa?'
Peckley-I guess not. Every little
while new word comes into the Ian
guage.
Bobby-What's the latest word pa ?
Peckley-Your mother will tell you,
my son. She always has the last word.
Mr.. Footlights husband manager) -
Wake up, Gwendolyn; the hotel is on
fire.
,[rs. Footlishts (the stAr)-What a
calamity My jewels are way down town
in the safe deposit vault without a
chance to be burned
Jack-Hello, Blifey, you have an
awful cold?
BIit1ey-1es, sat IN a draft last
night.
You should not have done it.
Took MISS Breezie to the opera, and
she put on so many airs, don't you
know.
Hostetter McGinnis-Did you give
the bouquet to the young lady.
Sam Johnson-Yes sab.
Did she smile:
She did, sab.
Did she smile pleasantly?
Yes sab, she smiled jess Ii Ike mout
if you gives me hall dollar.
Citizen-You appear to be excited,
deacon what's the mat err:
Deacon-That was a great outrage at
the opera house last night.
What was it ? didn't hear about it,
You've seen them pictures about
town of ballet dancers in short skirts
Yes.
Well they were to appear in play
ard | went to see It, so that | mi sht
warn our young people against them.
What was the outrage you complain
CT?
They didn't appear. The Mayor
wouldn't let EN-
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1891-01-15

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The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
Ridiculous Ceremonies.

The garter of the late king of the
Netherlands will be returned shortly to
the Lord Chamberlain. This is not per-
sonally delivered up, but it is recovered
by lengthy process. A functionary
known as the garter king of arms init
mates the kings demise to the Lord
Chamberlain, and reminds him of the
fact that the king was a knight of our
most ancient and honorable order. The
Lord Chamberlain communicates with
the foreign secretary, who sends dis
patch on the subject to our minister at
the Hague, who mentions the matter to
the Dutch minister of foreign affairs,
and he requests the master of the royal
household to send the insignia forth
with, either to the British legation or
the Dutch minister in London, for deliv-
cry to the Lord Chamberlain at st.
James palace. The robes and outfit of
the royal knights, which cost nearly
$4,000, are not returned, but only the
insignia. The death of King William
did not make vacancy, as, like all
other royalties, he was an extra knight.
Chicago Tribune.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.
And That One Was Being Paid fo
Listening.

ana mat one was fSelnS IaIu Tor
Listening.
The visitor to Paris, if at all inter-
ested in the matter of literature or edu-
cation, is more than likely to pay a
visit to the National library or some of
the half remote audience rooms of the
college of the Sarbonne. Here, if he
waits sufficiently long upon those days
devoted to professional lectures, he may
see dapper little gentlemen with more
or less learned look mount the lecture
platform and for exactly sixty minutes
hold forth on various topics. The size
of the audience will depend upon the
fame of the professor or the character
of his subject. as is natural. These lee
turers are the honorary professors be-
longing to the institutions, and when it
comes to the turn of those whose spe-
Of Chinese grammar or the origin of
Tartar roots there is seldom any partic-
ular crowding and pushing on the part
of pupils to hear them.
Recently one of this class, on taking
the stage to go through the lecture, was
surprised to see a single nearer, who
appeared to be the very soul of patience
and attention. The surprise came in
that at his last three or four lectures
nobody had been present at all. The
sign of increasing interest, small as it
was, encouraged the professor, and he
never delivered a more impressive or
profound discourse. He had not given,
however, some of his best points when
the memorable hand of the clock pointed
to the moment of concluding.
''Our time is up, sir, he remarked,
addressing himself to the scholar, ''but
if you will bear with me for another ten
minutes or SO l think L will be able to
make the matter clearer to you STILL
80, that is all right, professor" was
the other'sreply; fire away. The longer
the better, as always charge by the
hour"
The professor looked more closely and
saw that the single auditor was the
hackman whom he had engaged to
drive him to the college.-Philadelp
Times
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10

pelicans overheard. There was SUD.
den snap of the jaws, and the bird dis
appeared down the red throat.
The speed of the alligator was stopped
for an instant, but he soon renewed the
chase. At this moment we saw other
ripples on the lake, and we knew that
we were being pursued by a whole col
ony of saurians. The cries of the birds
had indeed attracted the hungry alliga-
tors from all the 1eighboring lagoons
and swamps.
Quick, over with the BIRDS James
shouted. ''They are calling all the
gators in the woods"
threw the remaining birds in the
water, and saw them disappear down
the threats of our enemies. Then seiz-
ing our paddles again we redoubled our
efforts, knowing that our lives depended
upon the result of the race. The rip
pies all around us, and over the stern
of the canoe, approached closer, and in
fifteen minutes the black heads and
SHOUTS of the pursuing alligators could
be plainly seen. They were all gigan-
tic fellows. and were swimming in a
body after us. The cries of the birds
no longer melted them on, but they had
evidently made up their minds to have
us for a meal.
1t was long distance to the camp,
and our chances of reaching it before
we We're overtallen appeared less every
five minutes. We padded on, hoping
almost against hope that the alligators
would get tired of the chase and give it
up. We had Il good start of them, and
we determined to make the best of it.
But the persistency of the alligator
is well known when its desires are
aroused, and we could neither tire the
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

"A man would do pretty poor fishing
if he used IA bool1-worm for bait-Bing-
hamton Republican.
During the winter the hen may be
dilatory, but she generally comes to the
scratch when the garden is planted
Texas Siftings.
declined with Thanks.-Druggist-
''Have an almanac, Mr.. Smith" Smith
mo, thank you, | am sick enough al
ready. Yankee Blade
No said Bjenlls, ''it doesn't take
me long to make up my mind, but it
often takes me a long time to make up
my wife's mind to agree with mine" -
Somervillc journal.
"A ConditiOn.-'One thing | ought
to tell you before you make up your
mind to marry my daughter; she sits the
whole day at the piano 80, | don't
mind that at all. if she doesn't play
Eliegende Batter.
is 1t Because Yours?
Some men there are, we all know well
BY one dSagreeable feature alone
They rarely smile at the jokes you tell.
But laugh uproariously at their own.
Boston Herald.
Mrs McCrackle-"Tve got recipe
for a pudding that will keep a week"
Mrs. McCorkle-"My buildings keep too
long now. I'd like recipe for pud-
ding that my husband will eat at once"
Johnny Peck - DO You suppose /
shall ever know as much as you do, pa?'
Mr.. n. Peck - Il hope not, my boy.
But, after all. you'll have to take your
chances. indianapolis Journal.
by all means said higgins to his
wife, who was of progressive ideas,
''llccp out of print" u hope you will
make that apply to the calico dresses L
have been wearing" was all the reply
she made. Washington Post.
Afraid of 1.-THE doctors say that
plenty of pure air will do more good
than a good deal of medicine, and yet
there are people who are as much afraid
Of it US they would be of the measles. -
RAMS Horn.
Very Likely.-Softhart- Miss
Triplight in?" Servant-"No, but she
told me to tell You if you called that it
was very kind of you" Softhart-
What did She mean?' Servant-''l
suppose She meant that it was very kind
Oh you 10 Gull WITCH Sic NdS OuI' - liz
Epoch
Parental Injustice.-Mr. Billus-
Another pair of shoes already for that
boy? He's the most destructive and
wasteful youngster on earth" Mrs.
Billus-"J Johnny wasteful? That is I'M
| Just, Mr.. Billus. A box of backing
lasts him year and half"
-"George, l wish you wouldn't blow
the cornet in the new band" why
not, Ethel? 1t is the place of honor,
and get great deal of attention by
it." But blowing the cornet makes
the lips so hard and stiff. Light.
-Belle-''Why didn't you marry Mr.
Watson, Nell? We all know he asked
you to-" Nell-"O, couldn't be happy
with such man as Mr. Watson" Belle
with such a man as Mr.. Watson.
Why. Nell. what do you mean? They
say he has absolutely no faults" Nell
Yes, so understand. That's just
why couldn't be happy with him" -
| SOmcryillp ,JOurnal
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
AN ORIGINAL IDEA.
A Little Country Paper Adopts Scheme
to Rid the street Corners of Loafers.

Little Country Paper Adopts a Scheme
to Rid the street Corners of LOafers.
For quantity expressed and oddly con-
ceived ideas, perhaps the little country
paper is the best illustration of perfect
innocence and freedom of thought.
This is, of course, partly due to the
fact that the more important and wide
spread the effect of saying or state
ment, the more conservative and care
fully chosen the words; and, of course,
the more unrestricted the mind the more
innocent and bold the expression.
For instance, certain town is greatly
annoyed by a gang of loafers who stand
about the street corners to chew, spit
and stare. The local paper took the
merchants fight up and came out with
a few heavy type notices to be clipped
out and posted in appropriate places:
The fellows at this corner are loaf
ers and pickpockets;' or,
WANTED, fifty buns to insult ladies'.
The cure was heroic, but effective,
and it is a pity it cannot be tried, in
cities as well as country towns.
Then there are a few country ex-
changes that may be depended on TO
produce at least once a month, a joke
so DELIGHTFULLY."- and refreshingly inno-
cent and unique that it is pity they
cannot be copied to make larger world
than country community laugh.
The trouble, however, is that the joke
is invariably of the sort called doubtful.
There may be nothing really harmful
in it, but there turks an insinuation
that would raise beautiful howl in
city press censors and the little joke is
quietly clipped by an appreciative ex-
change editor, passed to the religious
editor for his endorsement, and after
creating quiet chuckle from the editor
in-chief to the office boy, is buried with
solemn obsequies in the sepulcher of
the exchange editors scrap book, only
to see the light again, with score of
fellow jokes, when the tomb is reopened
for the interment of another country
conceit. These alas are the only Jokes
that never grow old. They are never
repeated, never pirated and never cred
tied either here or elsewhere.-Pitts
burgh Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
HOW TO Battle.
Ne Clean and in All Likelihood You WIN
be Healthy.

80 Sledh anu III All kSikttihOOu 1Ou VIA
be Healthy.
The first and common object of the
bath is cleanliness. The great import
ance of abstersion, and the necessity of
keeping the skin clean and in its nor
NAL activity. will be more fully appre-
ciated when we consider the Importance
of the function which the skin has to
perform. One-third of all the morbid
matter in the system arising from tissue
change is thrown off through the skin,
the other two-thirds being excreted by
the kidneys and lungs.
The excretion through the skin is ac-
complished by the action of about
$500, 900 of little sweat glands. Each
of these glands is surrounded by a
plexus of blood vessels, and has duct
extending to the surface, the average
length OF which is one-fourth of an inch.
The aggregate length of these ducts as
computed is about ten miles. Think of
it. A system of human sewerage ten
miles in extent! The deleterious effect
upon the organism caused by a stoppage
of this great system of drainage will be
perceived at glance. The effete mat
ters of the body, which in state of
health are excreted by the skin, nature
now endcavors to get rid of through the
kidneys and lungs.
The effect on these organs of the
great increase of functional activity
necessary to maintain the harmony be-
tween tissue waste and tissue repair
results in their disease, and the entire
system becomes deranged from the
poisonous effects of this accumulated
matter. Then. too, in health respira-
ton is carried on, in Il measure, through
the skin by the absorption of oxygen
and the giving off of carbonic acid, thus
aiding the lungs in their interchange of
gases; in this manner direct effect Is
produced upon these organs by check
ing of the normal activity of the skin.
For purposes of cleanliness the hot
bath will be found to be of the greatest
service. Friction of the body with soap
will aid in dissolving and removing the
accumulated matter which fills the
mouths of the little ducts, and leaves
them open and free for the egress of
| the natural secretionS. This bath should
be followed by cold shower to restore
the tone of the skin and avoid the de-
preston which always follows pro-
longed immersion in hot water Right
here wish to say word to deprecate
the pernicious practice INDUCED in by
many Of taking frequent hot baths.
For the purpose just mentioned a hot
bath is never necessary oftener than
once or, at most, twice week, pro-
vided a person takes a daily tepid or
cold sponge bath, which should be1n-
dulged in by every one as a matter of
health. Taken oftencr than this, the
hot bath is enervating and depressing.
1t produces lowered state of vitality,
which not only lowers the powers of
resistance to disease, but may actually
induce disease, by encouraging the de-
velopment of any latent abnormal con-
dition to which the person may be sub
| iect.-N. y. News.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10

arn part of the peninsula was especially
Hooded, and many of the low-lying man
grove swamps had the appearances of
Forest trees growing in the middle OF
he sea.
We were spending the winter along
he coast, making occasional brief eX-
.ursions into the interior to obtain
whatever of scientific interest that we
Gould find, or to enjoy few days sport
n hunting the wild game.
James Walton was fellow student
with myself, and through the advice of
1 physician we had both exchanged
BOOKS of natural history for study in
the field. South Florida opened up a
field that was rich in every department
Of science, and when we We're engaged
n studying the flora or fauna of that
legion we never failed to make obscr-
cations and discoveries that interested
and instructed.
In the course of time, however, the
continually rising waters forced us
rom dry land. and we had to construct
rude platform for our home. This
was built by driving heavy stakes in
The ground, and then putting a log
platform on the top of the stakes. The
water never rose quite up to the top of
this platform, but once or twice it
reached within several inches of it.
The platform, with our rude shanty
IN it, was situated close to huge man
grove swamp and near enough to
Jupiter inlet to give us distinct view
If the ocean. We could thus reach sd 1T
and fresh water birds and fish with but
little difficulty,
Shortly after the holidays the water
coached its highest mark, and we found
ourselves living, as it We're right in the
midst of a large sea, and with here and
there forests of trees growing out of it.
With our little canoe we could paddle
far up into the interior. and we fire.
quently spent days in exploring the s''':-
merged country
One day James and | entered LITE
cove in one of the large mangrove
swamps, or lakes, as they really
were, some two or three miles from
he camp. We shot few wild
lucks to replenish our stock of pro-
visions. After padding around for
some time we startled up a flock of wild
birds, which scurried out OF the brakes
so rapidly and suddenly that we could
not get a good glimpse of them. To
prevent any great prize from escaping,
we shot indiscriminately into the flock,
and brought three down.
The three birds were wounded and
their cries soon attracted the other
birds of the swamp. They proved to be
pelicans and they made desperate eff
forts to get beyond our reach. We
picked up two of the screaming crea-
lures, and then started for the third.
Before we reached the last one our
attention was attracted by Il ripple in
the water, and then by the black head
of an alligator moving rapidly toward
the screaming bird. The winter had
been hard one, and the voracious sau-
rians had become bold and desperate in
their hunger Otherwise the big fellow
would never have ventured out in broad
daylight and attempted to steal the
game right from under our nose.
''Paddle for the bird" James shouted
as he saw the alligator. 1--WE can beat
that fellow"
Out of fun ard wild desire for ven
ture we entered the race and padded
our best. The alligator, nothing daunt-
ed by our approach, increased his speed;
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10

but we were too much for him. and we
snatched the biro almost out of his jaws.
Baffied and angry, the huge salrian
snapped his jaws together tiercely, and
then opening them again, he made to-
ward us as if intent upon crushing our
canoe to pieces. We never realized that
we were running any danger until the
savage creature turned upon us. He
was the largest alligator we had seen in
several weeks, and the close encounter
frightened us.
He rushed through the water like a
whirlwind, but sudden twist of the
paddle brought the canoe about so that
he missed striking the side. We picked
mp our paddles instantly and began
working the boat out of his reach. But
the saurian was not so easily baffied.
Anger and hunger made him return to
the attack, and he started in rapid pur-
suit. The cries of the wounded peli-
cans seemed to increase his desire to
Overtake us, and he doubtless felt that
we were robbing him of his game.
We could not hold our own in the
~race, aud the monster overhauled us
foot by foot. He was close to us, and
almost ready to open his jaws for an
other charge when threw one of the
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
IndIrestIon In the FalkInnd 1slands.

1t is popularity considered that that
fr;ghtful enemy, indigestion, is a mala,
dy, to a great extent, consequent upon
our high state of civilization. In the
medical report on the health of the
inhabitants of the Falkland islands,
the assistant colonial surgeon OBJ
serves that the bane of this
remote territory is chronic indiges-
ton. He attributes this fact to two
reasons. In the first place to the
enormous amount of to-. and coffee con-
sumed by the inhabitants; and, second
ly, to the ignorance of the majority of
the women of the most rudimentarS
laws of cooking.-N. Y. journal.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1891-04-10
AN HONEST MAN.
But His Honesty Was Not Thoroughly
Appreciated.

But His Honesty Was Not Thoroughly
Appreciated.
Seven years ago" he said, as he en-
tered Il crockery store on Sixth avenue
the other day. ''seven years ago | came
in here and bought six plates of you,
and handed you-''
He knocked thirty-cent pitcher off a
shelf as he waved his arm about, and
after the pieces were gathered up he
continued:
Il handed you IA five-dollar bill. You
warranted them plates to be all wool
and yard wide, and l want to say right
here and now that Excuse me-"
He knocked a couple of lamp chin
neys off rack with his coat tails, and
it was with shade of asperity in his
tones that the crockery man asked his
errand.
why, I bought six plates of YOU
"Well?'
at was seven years ago"
''Well?"
Them plates came to sixty cents,
and / handed you a fve-dollar bill.
When came to count my change | was
half way home, and found you had
given me leven cents too much. | was
calculatin' to come to town agin the
next week, but What's that?"
In moving about in the narrow space
his foot hit four-gallon crock and
upset it and broke u liberal piece out of
one side.
Did you want anything?' asked the
grocer, in an acid voice.
Certainly do. Kinder risky moving
around in here, see. Yes, found you
had overpaid me by 'leven cents, and
though | meant to come in and return
it, I've had Il fever sore on my leg, and
had to go on to Elmira to see my
daughter, and the old woman has bin
ailing more or less. Being as was in
town to-day | thought Id step
Lands. but thar goes suthin' else!'
1t was a fifty-cent vase, and as the
crockery man gathered up the pieces he
took the old man and led him to the
door and asked:
Anything in our line to-day"
"Of course, it's in your line! I want
to clear my conscience, and I've come
to pay back them 1even cents. Here's
quarter WHICH Has Dcen pluSPcu, L
guess, and I'll call it twenty-threc
cents
Sir, the man who was here seven
years ago is dead"
GOSH
"And want you to go out Of that
door, and take walk Keep right On
walking until you fetch up in the river"
''What fur? What have done?"
"You are too blamed honest! Walkr'
The old man stepped out, and when
the door closed after him he turned and
regarded the croc<cry man looking at
him through the glass. 1t was long
minute before he got it all straight.
Then he spit on the palm of his left
hand, made fist of his right, and.
bringing it down with great ''spatr'
he shouted: ...
Hanged if this hain't an everlasting
lesson to me! From this mint to the
day of my death every burned wallet
find in the road I'll put right down in
my breaches pocket an say nuthin' to
nobody"-N, Y. Sun.