Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1891-11-19
WHITE HOUSE,. Oct. % 1891


WHITE House. Oct. %. 1891.
To Maj, Ian McGary, Houston, Tex
My DEAR hiAJOR-Macbeth was in biz
i luck. After his rival was fatally knitted
in the primaries. nothing verse than biz
ghost came back to worry the Thsne OF
Cawdor.
If Macbeth had had our jim Blaine tc
get rid of he would have soon found ou
what trouble really was. Compared
with Harrison, Macbeth had q soft thine
OF il. OF course, Mac was very much
annoyed at having cross section of 6
morgue on busy day drop in about dim
ner time and spoil his appetite, but Har.
rison's Banquo weighs 1914 pounds. He
sits down at the table, and with the appe
title Of u patent cornsheler. he feeds like
a hired man. and then jumping up, cracks
his heels together, and wants to know if
there is any gentleman present who
would like to wrestle for the presidential
pie. That's the kind jibbering goblin
that haun,s the White House, aud don't
mind telling you confldentially, that he
Is rapid y becoming an eyesore 10 the en-
tire presidential family. Harrison would
swap spec.res with Macbeth any iay,
and throw in Russ TO boot. If Macbeth
had had Jim Blaine for presidential
rival, he (Mac would have fed himself
to dark cell in an Indiana monastery.
which is what am afraid Harrison will
have to do after 1892.
We were badly fooled about the state
of Blaine's health, but it was not our
fault. Did no, prominent New York
Journal publish war map o. the seat of
Blsine's gastric troubles. showing how he
was suffering from a misfit kidney, COM
plicated with febrilis acutus. which was
liable at any time TO turn into a,rophia
medulla spinalis; or. what is far uorse,
rheumsticus psralyticus with epilepsia
thoratica, which always ends with peri
tonitis Of the mucus membrane, which is
always fatal sooner or later.
BLAINE My colored friend. bring on
that lunch and go for more. This physi-
C Al wreck is hungry.
But these we're not the only unfavora>
BILE symptoms that inspired us with hope
that Blaine was out of the presidential
race. We had every reason to believe
That the rear breadth of his liver was
10 led up like scroll, owing TO cloasma
ephelis having set in. Moreover, the
lining Of the coat of his stomach had be-
come frayed at the edges by ic,erus
senilis, and the suction valve of his
medulla oblongata having simultaneously
suspended publication, his physician had
prescribed perfect rest until after the
meeting of the republican national con-
vention.
Is it any wonder that the president went
while Wansmsker and the rest of the
friends OF second term silently pounded
the hewgog and sounded the loud timbrel
And now, just as Harrison was getting
ready to hold up one end of the catafal.
que he bounds into the Arena, wearing the
rudy hue and cry of health en- his cheek,
and an army sized chip on his shoulder.
Dammit!
The presidential son is hit harder than
the rest of US. This last trick of Blaine
has caused Russ to advertise for a new
brand of profanity with which to create
beautiful sulphurrc halo around bis
head.
RnS$ has lied about Blaine's health
until be has got warts on his imagination
from overwork. When Blaine was sick
Russ diverted his attention bv prodding
him with the pole of borrowed ridicule.
while the elder Harrison stole from under
the sick man his reciprocity blankets and
palmed them of on the public as his own.
RuSx. who has been talking about
Blame being wreck. was much sur
prised. He changed his tune as suddenly
as did trombone player when wasp
meandered merrilY down the horn into
the artists mouth and perforated, with q
sting that felt longer than BARRIERS pole,
his epiglottis until it looked like porous
p aster. An instrumental Gloria in ex.
ceisis in q fat was suddenly changed into
vocal wall annotated with an anvil
chorus OF impromptu profanity.
Mrs SNoRT-William, dear, you have
no idea how pretty you look with your
hair curled.
The relations between Mrs. Col.
Snort and Mrs. President Harri.
son are almost as badly strained as
those between the United States and
Chill. Nominslly, of course. the first
lady of the land is Caroline Scott Hsrri.
son. but already everybody in Washing,
ton knows that, when it comes to youth,
beauty and intelligence, Minerva Beacon.
bill Snort is the F. L, L. Minervy is to
Carrie what Snort is to Harrison, or what
Bismarck was to the old Emperor Viii
liam. This gals the Hsrrisons, but
there is no help for them. or course,
Harriton could Gre the Shorts out of the
White House. but on the day following
Gil the democratic papers would publish
fac-similes of certain compromising doc>
uments now in possession of Col. Snort,
and those fac-similes would cause mum.
Der OF very sick families in Washington,
and The Harrison family would be the
sickest of the lot Moreover. if the pros.
pective Snort infant is not born in the
White House, it would not be Q White
House baby. 10 that case Cleveland and
little Miss Ruth would have walk
over in 1899, and the Hsrrisons would
mournfuliy mesnder back to Indiana.
] sorter reckon Col. Snort has got this
al -. =