The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1891-01-08
WISE AND OTHERWISE.

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WISE AND OTHERWISE.
The humorist who goes around ped
ding joke knows what it is to carry a
joke too far.
"What's that! You write poetry!"
"Yes." admitted the proof reader; you
see so much that comes to me is in such
bad shape that have to right it."
Acknowledgment will soon get over
such extravaganza as this.
Assistant-What has he been doing?
Editor-He has actually crowded three
puns into one joke.
Pleasant to the taste, surprisingly
quick in effect and economical in price
no wonder that DR.. Bulls Cough
Syrup is the leading preparation of its
kind.
''Oh! woman, in thy hours of ease, un-
certain, coy and hard to please" With
children hurt, long hours she's spent.
Do try Salvation Oil, the liniment.
A Useful Man-Editor Great Daily:
want good, strong editorial on the
tariff for Tomorrow. | think you can
write it.
New Man, promptly-Yes, sir. Which
side?
st leads them all, " is the general re-
ply of druggists when asked about the
merit or sales of Hoods Sarsaparilla.
He Was Enrolled-City editor, to re-
portorial aspirant: Are you shorthand
man?
Aspirant-No; but l have long
cheek. land he was added to the staff
forthwith.)
Professor-Who was Sidonius?
Student-There were several of that
name.
Professor-I mean the writer of his
tory and of elegies.
Student-Oh, that was Sidonius APP
pollinaris. His second name was con-
ferred upon him because he was a poet
of the first water.
The Great AmerIc IN Chorus.
Sneezing, snuffling and coughing!
This is the music all over thd land just
now. 'I've got such an awful cold in
my head" Cure it with Ely's Cream
Balm or it may end in the toughest form
of catarrh. Maybe you have catarrh
now. Nothing is more nauseous and
dreadful. This remedy masters it as no
other did. Not snuff nor a liquid.
Pleasant, certain, radical.
A correspondent notices that the ma
jority of literary ladies seem to effect
cOlors for their gowns. 1t is also thought
that they mostly work in brown studies,
and prefer their books to be read. A
suppOsition likewise exists that the af-
feet blue stockings.
= nnN,r WANT nnnrnR
| have tried them, and they have only
swindled me. have figured up what
they cost me for the last four years, it
was Just $524.3l. If l had it now it
would be fortune for me. This year
my bill for medicine was only five dol
lars, for which purchased six bottles of
Sulphur Bitters. They cured me of
Scrofula after suffering four years.-P
J. Cummings, Troy, N. Y.
Behind With His Rent-Editor, to
poet: What is your address,
POet-That depends on you.
EditOr-How so?
POet-If you take this poem my adj
dress will remain 1919, East 042d street;
If you don't take it won't have any ad
dress.
For Over Fifty Years.
AN OLD AND WkLL-TRIED REMEDY Mrs. Wins
lows Soothing Syrup has been used for over
FIFTY YEARS by MI LIONS Of MOTHERS for their
CHILDREN WHILE TEETHING, with PERFECT Sue
CEss. 1t SoOTHEs the CHILD, SOFTENs the GUNS
ALLAYs all PAIN; CURE WISD collie, and is the
best remedy for DIARRHoEA. Sold by Druggists
In avery part OF the world. Sc sure and ask for
Mas. WINsLow's SOOTHING SYRUP. and take no
other kind, Twenty-Five cents a bottle. l7yi
He Was an Old INSTRUMENTATION:
Mr.. Hunker, you have been taking my
paper less than year, and yet you sign
yourself "Old Subscriber" in this COM
munication.
Hunker-Young man, am 6S years of
age.
WILL NEVER
Allow myself to suffer again what have
suffered for the last year. That vile
l could not eat nor enjoy anything The |
doctors amounted to nothing; nothing
seemed to relieve me, until used bot |
tie Of Sulphur Bitters. Four bottles |
made me well.-Joseph Batchelder, Mas |
ter of Schooner, C. A. Baker.
81 bnow,n said the reporter as he was
writing out an item for the paper-"I
know this is only rumOr, but 1 expect
to get money for
''Then,' said his friend, "that's one of
the rumors that gain currency"
(which side do you lie on?'' asked the
physician IN attendance on the editor
who was very i'll.
Neither" replied the editor, rallying
at once; my paper is published on
strict upright principles"
~. Nr...t Ill.,, 4. -. - -. lii
uary notice Of a man of some celebrity
said, HE began life as a legal, practi-
toner, but was diverted from it by love
of letters,i He did not see the printers
proof, and was confronted the next
morning with this-"He began life as
legal politician, but he was diverted
from it by love Of bitters."
Business Must Be Attended To-Visi-
tor, in Office Of Kentucky paper: | see
you have hung out a sign: "This is my
busy day." Are you really buster to-day
than usual?
Editor-Yes, sab, am. A subscriber
has just sent large jug from his own
sab.
Young Clergyman-we shouldn't pre-
pare sermons.
Old Ditto-Why not?
Young Clergyman-The Bible says
that the Lord will put words into our
Old Ditto-I guess you are right. And
IL the Lord doesn't put them into our
mouths some bright reporter will.
More Laws Wanted-Great Statesman:
You don't mean to say you are still in
ves9ing in the Louisiana lottery? Impos-
sible There is law against their adj
law against carrying
their letters in the mails, and the ex-
press companies won't transport their
packages. How doyou manager
Bad Mani pay my money to an agent
and once a month he carries the cash to
New Orleans in a grip sack.
Great Statesman-Humphl We must
have a law forbidding the manufacture
and sale of grip sacks.
Santa Claus soap is advertised now.
Soap ought to be good for anybody's
Claus.
Somebody bewails the fact that there
are no dukes in America. It is evident
that he never reported prize fight.
Anti-Poyerty-"I tell you the poor
have no chance
"That's particularly true in regard to
poetry, know some editors who reject
poems for no other reason than they are
poor"