The record-union., 1891-02-08
LAWYERS ANECDOTES.
Bright Jokes and Stories Of the
Bench and Bar.
Wit and B1under In all the Courts
Witnesses Retorts, as Bright as
Those of the Counsel-A Readable
Collection.
Collection,


from time to time been made in the Green
Bag, "a useless but entertaining maga-
zine for lawyers" as the title-page an
nounces, from which the following are
culled:
A stranger once walked into Massa-
chusetts court and spent some time
watching the proceedings. By and by a
man was brought up for contempt of
court and fined, whereupon the stranger
rose and said:
"How much was the finer"
Five dollars" replied the clerk.
Well" said the stranger, laying down
the money, g if that's all I'd like to jine
in. I've had a few hours experience of
this court, and no one can feel greater
contempt for it than l do, and l am will
ing to pay for it.''
Mrs. Lardine (ofC fChicago)." Really, Mr..
Blgfee, l think that $500 for so simple
matter asa divorce isquite exorbitant."
Mr. Bigfee (firmly but respectfully
Those are my usual terms, madam"
Mrs. Lardine with hauteur)-" Very
We'll, sir, you may write receipt, but [
have never paid SO much before, and
never will again"
II have noticed" said young solici-
tor, that members of the legal profession
are almost always brave men. 1t is sell
dom that one shows cowardice. l wonder
why that is sop
WELL" responded the elderly lady,
I've read somewhere that conscience
makes towards of us ALL And as law
yerS mostly have no conscience why, of
| course, they haven't anything to make
them cowards."
What do you understand by mort
gagee'?" asked the examiner of youthful
| aspirant for legal honors.
Isn't it feminine for 'nortgagor'?" re-
piled the youthful diffidently.
Law Professor-''What constitutes bur
glary?"
Student-''There must be breaking"
ProtesSor-'Then If a man enters your
door and takes u $40 bill from your vest
pocket in the hall, would that be bur-
glary?"
Student-..Yes, sir; because that would
break me.''
Gentlemen of the jury said counsel
in an agricultural case, 'sthere were
thirty-six hogs in that lot-thirty- 1
want You to remember that number
thirty-six hogs-just three times the
number there are in the jury box"
"Have you," asked the Judge of a re-
cently-convicted man, anything to offer
the court before sentence is passed?"
"No, your honor,'' replied the prisoner;
my lawyer took my last cent"
"Well," said an Irish attorney, ''if it
plaze the court, if am wrong in this, l
have another point that is equally con-
elusive"
~ hi Co. L.,
fore Justice of the Peace. When the case
came up for trial the defendant pleaded
the want of jurisdiction. The justice put
on his specs, and after careful examina-
ton of the statute concluded that he had
jurisdiction in all cases where the value
of the property did not exceed 500. So
he told the plaintiff he would have to file
an affidavit stating that his wife and chill
dren did not exceed the value of SlOO,
which was done, and the divorce forth
with granted.
AS Sheridan was entering the court one
day, carrying his books and briefs in
green bag, according to the custom of the
time, some Of his brother barristers,
thinking to play joke on him, urged
some boys to ask him if he had old clothes
for sale in his green bag.
"Oh, !'' instantly replied Sheridan,
they are all new suitS.v
A lawyer who prided himself upon his
skill in cross-examining a witness, had
once an odd-looking genius upon whom
to operate. You say, sir, that the pris-
oner is a thief?'
Yes, sir, because she confessed it,"
And you also swear that she bound
shoes for You subsequent to the confess
sion?"
81 do, sir.o
''Then," giving sagacious look to the
court, ARE we to understand that you
employ dishonest persons to work for
you, even after their rascalities are
"Of course; how else, pray, couldII get
assistance from lawyer?'
The witness was peremptorily ordered
to ''stand down."
'Now, SIR" said an attorney. examin-
ing medical expert, show long, in your
opinion, can man live without brains?'
We'll" replied the witness, that is a
difficult question to answer: but if knew
your age could tell you exactly"
ing a witness, he asked him what pro-
fession he followed for livelihood.
The witness replied: 81 am a candle of
the Lord-a minister of the gospel"
"Of what denominations" asked the
counsellor.
"A BaptlSt,' replied the witness.
''Then," said Mr.. Choate, you are
dipped, but l trust not wicked can
dle.''
At term of Common Pleas in Indiana,
during the trial of an Irish will case,
Tim Dooley was on the stand, and thus
testified:
Il am brother to Molly F1aherty and
I am a brother to Betty Hoolahan.1
"Then Mr.. Dooley," said Judge B., "we
are to understand that you are two broth