The Dalles daily chronicle. [volume] (The Dalles, Or.) 1890-1948, 1891-07-14
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rh.y Not, oaiy MA. not nag. but Mad

rhey Not. Only ma. Not bag, but Made
. Crack t;ymnast of the WeArer.
/ am somewhat of an athlete, and am
in the habit of performing various exc.
cises when have nothing else to do, and
yet held position where it is important
that should present a gentlemanly APP
pearance.
The problem of how to prevent trouS-
ers from bagaing has for a long time II.
CURED to my mind and pressed for solu-
ton. have tried the various devices
advertised for cure or for prevention.
have consulted my fashionable frienels.
and even the tailors, fondly hoping they
could be induced to give themselves
away.
Some of my friends have solved the
problem by hanging up in their ward
robes 1.095 pairs of trousers, which ma
neuver euables them to put on fresh
pair morning, noon and night.
Now, my friends and employers esli-
mate my brain power and business quail
itications very nearly as highly as do
Unfortunately, they do not attribute to
them very high exchangeable cash
value.
The important thing, therefore, for me
seemed to be To discover way of ma k
ing one pair of trousers last 365 days
without bagging.
Fortunately, l have q, practical knowl-
edge of mechanics, and am of an invent
i've turn of mind. / have spent the sav-
ings of all my past life in p,ttenting ear
couplers, motors La Keely. and flying
machines which very nearly succeeded
in flying. My necessity Matched a new
invention.
went to one of the most skillful and
artistic tailors ON the Bowery and told
him what | wanted, and at the same
time warned him that had "A patent on
my idea.
Ny idea was to get some of the cement
which enables a broken plate to support
a ton of cobble stones and a sheet of the
genuine. old fashioned gum-such as the
cid fashioned gum shoes were made Of
and paste back of the knee an oblong
piece, wide enough and long enough to
cover all that part of the trousers which
generally bags. The tailor entered into
my idea enthusiastically. He offered to
buy the patent outright for twenty dol
lars. and to give me u royalty of fise
cents II pair on the first hundred pairs
which should be sold. Irefused his mag
unanimous offer. and am "holding for Il
rise
He thought that if little elasticity
was a good thing great deal more
would be better. 1 think he must have
pasted inside those trousers the soles of
his grandmother's gum shoes.
The first time went out with those
trousers on strangers accosted me, and
said they should not have known that
had no legs from my walk if they had
not been informed that was Grand
Army man and had had both legs shot
off at the battle of Antietam. The cause
of their delusion was that as | lifted each
foot from the ground the leg from the
knee suddenly snapped forward.
On the way home from business went
into the NJ. A. G. gymnasium. had no
time to put on my gymnasium tights, and
contented myself with taking off coat.
vest collar and cuffs. I started in for a
run. Ny friends and the director thought
showed poor judgment in. starting ut
such pace. Some of the crack runners
were on the track, and at the outset al
most equeled their fastest spurts.
But, great Scott, how they were dunn
founded when spurted! They said |
got around the track at such rate of
l speed that was only visible as con
tinuous curve. diabolic rather than para
bolic. | felt that if l ran my fastest
again l should need pedometer with I'm
air brake attachment The swift way in
which my feet glided forward and Tie
extent of their reach were especially ad
mired. A crack oarslnans recovery,
they said, was nothing in comparison.
| Jumped the high jump. In fact. if
stopped down suddenly. felt obliged to
jump up straight into the air severa
feet. | broke the records and left the
pieces far behind me in "high" ant
"broad" jumping, | smashed the lifting
machine, and in short did astonishing
feats in all that grade of work where the
action of the knees comes into play.
was heralded far and wide as a new anC
marvellous sprinter and jumper.
- And, best of all. my trousers now neve
bag They keep. their virgin, form a
long as they hold together Yorl
. Herald.