The record-union., 1891-03-14
POLITICAL REST.
Congressman Who Will Hereafter
Appear in the Lobby.
Defeat of Needed Legislation by In
terminable Debate-The Only Eff
fectuaI Remedy-The Government a
Heartless and Dishonest Creditor.

terrninable Debate-The Only Eff
Heartless and Dishonest Creditor.
Especial correspondence of the REcoRD-UNIoNl
WAsHIN GToN, d. c., March 5, 1891.
The Lord has called hence large num-
Der of his apprentices and laid them off
for long and extended political rest.
Skirmishing for room rent and grub in
the old paths they were wont to pursue
before coming here will doubtless prove
severe and trying hardship as compared
with SAG Cog monthly, mileage and found
--and nothing to do.
They have had full four months notice
that lockout was ordered for March q,
1892, and if they haven't laid up enough
during that time to pay months board
in advance is clearly their own fault.
Since Bill Mckinley, Jr., played such
sad havoc with commercial values 1t is
believed that rural landlords cannot keep
hotel on politics and tone to any great
extent. 1t may work for short time
down South, but Northern trades people
have such funny and distinctive ideas
relative to an extended system OF eX-
change between commodities on the one
hand and jaw bone on the other, that the
outlook is anything but encouraging.
UsUFUL EXEMPTIONS.
It was q high forehead which invented
that wholesome protection for members
Of Congress from civil unpleaSantness
while going to and returning from their
official pastimes. There doubtless will
De isolated instances when these wise
privileges may prove trifie annoying,
not to say profitless, to some of the trad
ing class of Washington and vicinity
male and female.
There may be those whose mental pros
tration fails to discover reciprocal uni
formity in those exceedingly valuable
exemptions, and may even trespass upon
polite custom so far as to Intimate that
they can't see why members of Congress
should be allowed to beat people (mean-
ing themselveS), while they are compelled
to ante up every collection day or shut
up the day following.
There is a noticeable vein of selfish in
subordination in that Hypothetical
method of reasoning, which may appear
awkward to overcome at first glance. 1t
should be remembered that this great eX
emption idea relates to q remote period in
our political history. A time when rea-
sonable equity, well-sustained by gall,
was equal if not superior to a rigid COM
mercial legality, during the earlier and
vendors cannot find sufficient compensa-
ton for their goods in the foregoing pa
triotic references | fear they and their
goods are wholly and irretrievably lost
The political scoop last fall presents
many discordant features. Railroad
tickets, Pullman passes; Western Union
stamp books; private and corporate dim
ners; corporate and private retainers; Of
fetal and political pull; in short, every
thing which makes honorable life enjoy
able has suddenly become asphyxiated,
so to speak. and the dispensers thereof,
with equal rapidity like so many EGYPT
Z ian mummies, who were embalmed CEN
turies before these modern delicacieS
were invented, now preserve their
CHASTITY silence and even decompose in
The presence of eX-Congressional sub
stance.
LIVING REALITIES.
1t also furnishes an unprecedented op-
portunity for that large concourse of pa
triots who have been lied to at home, to
fully realize the proud satisfaction they
have so long anticipated, and so frequent
ly threatened in the corner grocery, of
getting even with somebody at some in
definite future period. This is the saddest
part of all.
Some OF those unhappy apprentices may
find soft place among the political
sphynxes of the government statuary
others may be rescued from shame by the
Seuilt DuJ tears 1nNOl-
UNFAIRLY bedew my Brazilian mouStache
when contemplating that vast herd of
fellow citizens who are thus ruthlessly
thrown upon the unfeeling free-trade
world as political outcasts, with no visible
means of support, and all on account of
the unchaSte conduct ofmale Republicans
in the month OF November, A. ID. 1890.
To those good Christian workers in the
vineyard New England-now that the
famine breeding silver bill diSturbs no
more, ask them to pause ere they for
ward another consignment to the Ganges,
and reflect that, near the historic banks of
the Potomac, which has enjoyed an unin-
terrupted reputation for quiet during a
period of quarter of a century, there are
those of our own flesh and blood whose
dire distress and dignity demands prompt
and earnest attention, lest, from cold and
hunger and thirst particularly the latter.
they be driven recklessly into the ''lobby''
at the next session of Congress, as nearly
all good members have been driven who
have gone this way before.
In the event that relief of strictly do
mestic nature should be distasteful to
those sanity almoners. it is suggested for
information that in the district of Pana-
cova, situated in the foreign kingdom of
Portugal, the inhabitants thereof for gen
eratlonS are accustomed to eating va
riety of dirt easily obtainable in their
neighborhood. All ages and sexes chew
it as if were tobacco.
This prominent fact indicates the graft
flying ease with which the average Amer
lean Congressman can readily adapt HIM
self TO those conditions. Another, and
possibly the most consoling feature of the
whole scheme, lies in the fact that per-
sons who are accustomed to eating this
dirt are Immediately afflicted with 9aaIa-
die dlt pays, attended with alarming gas
trio symptoms, should they ever leave
that locality.
SCIENTIFIC EFFORT.
This constantly recurring biennial ca
lamity can nowhere be found outside of
Russia and Ireland. That 200 able-bodied
citizens, free born, of good address, excel
lent health, and willing to draw remuner-
ative salaries without any considerable
mental or physical eXertion. should be
confronted with scarcely twenty desira-
bic vacancies, is problem in political
algebra which awaits definite solution. |
have grappled with the subject on many
occasions, and the invariable result of my
equations produce g-t-w, which, being
resolved into Its greatest common denom-
lnator, means go-to-work.
That imperfect solution. it will at once
be observed, Is unsatisfactory and emf
nently distasteful TO the great North
American statesman. Continued proSecu-
ton of these subtle researches have been
attended with threatening symptoms oi
tuberculosis bdcitH of the most malignant
German type, and, consequently, but re-
luctantly abandoned for the time being
Ii DR.. Hardness viii turn loose one OF
his 4o-callber microscopes on a sample oi
that dirt from Portugal, and my old
friend, DIR. Cluness, viii give pharma-
Geological report as to its certain retaining
properties. this troublesome question can
be Immediately solved by the Govern
ment establishing an ex-Congressional
colony at that point-on the Soldiers
Homo nlan