New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1891-12-03
THE UTICA JONESES.

The race is not, of course, always to the swift,
but the betting odds are invariably al IeasO d
hundred to one in favor of the swift, notwlthstanu
ing. When the tortoise beats the mare, the
Jockey club having the contest In charge ougho
To investigate the matter. They VIII discover
nine times out 81 ten that the scoundrelly rabbit
u,os maid 70 throw the race Still, in the face OF
all this. we find numbering Utica man trying
10 get to South Dakota ahead of his wife.
Mr.. Jones and Miss Robinson were married
at Utica in September, 1882. The bride wore
some sort of soft, clinging stuff, while the bride
groom was clad in the conventional black. Inc
local papers spoke Of the high contracting parties
and referred to the happy couple" and Mr.. ana
Mrs Jones went to Niagara Falls on their wedding
tour. Last summer the fact dawned on the
Joneses that they ought TO have divorce NOW
the inexperienced reader who never had divorce
NAV not see a divorce in the Jones family being
necessary. what difference it made which got
n Int il did make great deal of difference. Ii
is much better for you to get divorce from your
husband, than for your husband to get one from
you-unless, OF course, you want to go on the
stage and star in the Domestic Drama. So il is
! NOT strange that when the Joneses decided that
they should have a divorce in the house. each
was anxious to get it. Naturally they turned
their faces toward South Dakota. Both decided
to start without delay, and then began latter
dav race of the hare aAd the tortoise that would
have disguised Aesop.
Mr.. Jones took the fast Western express for
Chicago. Mrs Jones waited two hours and
boarded the limited and passed the express Mt
| Toledo She waved her hand at Jones as her
train shot past. She got to Chicago an hour
ahead Of her husband but she found that it
did not help her any, as he would arrive in time
to take the same train for Dakota. This did not
disconcert her, however, and she spent the two
hours which she had TO wait In visiting the
| Auditorium and the stock-yards When the
Western train left the station, Mrs Jones
was in the sleeping-car Mwoghrp, while Jones
| had berth in the Winnoporghbster. lie
| chuckled when he found that he had caught the
same train as his wife, though he didn't know
what he was chuclling about lie hasn't chuckled
| any since 1t is probable that he will never
chuckle again. Mrs. Jones soon made friends
with the conductor by smiling at him and not ask
| ing him if he had ever been in wreck, and as
| they neared the South Dakota line she sent out
oranges, lelly-cake, fivedollar bill and forth
| IA the engineer Jones was in the rear car she
was in the one Immediately in front Of it, Just
before they reached the last station in Minnesota
| she saw Jones pass down the aisle OF her car. on
| his way forward to the smoker. A sickly smile
| played about his features, like the touch OF
heat-lightning on distant summer-night's cloud
| Mrs Jones saw her disadvantage, but remained
calm When the train stopped a, the station she
got off and walked ahead on the sid, opposite
| the platform, 10 the locomotive. The conductor
had already spoken TO the engineer and he climbed
down and gracefully helped Mrs. Jones up on the
| cow-catcher The conductor shouted "all aboard.
and the engineer pulled the throttle AS the train
| rolled out Of the station. Jones, with hunted
! look on his face. tumbled over the tender. into