The Helena independent. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1875-1943, 1891-05-27
COLUMBUS ~REDIvIyUs.


rotary Tracy we should pronounce
a marvel Of misdirected ingenuity.
1t is Of the slightest conse-
quence that the American antiquarian
society lends the weight of its influence
to his scheme. We refuse to alter our
opinion a little bit, because Capt. Bart
lott pronounces the plan entirely feast
BILE. Who the captain is, we do not
know; he may DO a lineal descendant Of
Columbus himself, but if he were de-
scended from Noah, it would not change
our verdict. The fact seems to be that
Mr.. Hale is disgusted with American
lack OF ingenuity. We are eager to
celebrate the four hundredth anniver-
sary of the landing Of Columbus, and
we sink to the level Of an exposition.
An exposition is nothing new. French
men, Engllshmen, have had such things
before. We ought to strike a new vein
in the way Of celebrations, and Mr..
Hale, after an enormous expenditure OF
gray matter, believes he has reached
pay ore. What the secretary Of the
navy will think of his mental prodigy
remains to be seen.
The plan in brief is this. After due
and widespread publication in the daily
press OF the country, a government
steamer is to be detailed for special ser
vice. It's noble mission will be to repre-
sent the Pinto or the Santa Anna. At
dead of night it will sneak from some
harbor on our southeast coast. Every
citizen of the place and of the nation
will know of it's presence and its mis-
sion, but an air of the greatest mystery
will be kept up. On the evening of its
departure, lights will be all out in the
town at eight p. H., and the citizens will
be conducted to their bedrooms half an
hour later by squads Of policemen, who
will Immediately afterwards mysterious
ly vanish from sight. Any person found
guilty Of violating this special ordi-
nance will be deprived forever of his
rights as an American citizen. Next
morning the good folks of the city will
20 to work as usual, and play that they
ire quite unconscious of the departure
Of the government steamship. She may
have gone to the bottom, crew and all,
but such a trifiing occurrence as that is
,ertaln to excite no comment. On the
morning of October Il, from Atwood
Key the telegraph will flash the glad
news aver the length and breadth of the
and that Columbus redivivus has land
ed once more. 1t will tell how an
enormo crowd of fifty thousand
curious American citizens represented
the timid savages of the country, and
how badly they behaved in insisting on
pressing round the resuscitated admiral
and preventing his supplicating Heaven
in due form. The remarks of young
America will be reported in full. How
they guyed the modern Columbus, and
shouted to him warnings not to bag his
immaculate navy pants by kneeling on
the wet sea beach. For the next few
days the logbook OF the great navigator
will regulate the time-we shall be
treated in the columns of the daily press
to reports Of champagne l%uncheons,
fireworks, and general Fourth of July
celebrations. All this, of course, will be
necessary. though Columbus forgot to
note these little details. He was a bon
vivant, was Columbus, and he carried
such a quantity of canned dainties and
clicquot with him on his little excursion
that trifes like these escaped his
memory. Then, on a given date,
the steamship will leave Atwood
Key, and the reading world will
be electrified to know that
the expedition has caught a lizaro
just where Columbus discovered one, anG
that the turtle, specially imported from
some New York aldermanic feast and
carefully hidden in the hold until the
ripening of events, has been turned ovel
on his back, where Columbus had the
sam good luck. The public will next
be astonished to learn that on the very
spot, where Columbus met the Cubanf
smoking, a box of choice Havanas has
descended from the clouds on the fortu.
nate members of the great picnic party
And SO on ad nauseam.
We yield to no man in our respect fol
Columbus and his achievements. w,
respectfully protest that the sketch o
the programme is not nearly realistic
enough. A government steamship il
preposterous. Let us have a decen'
sized fishing boat. not too large. Tina
was the kind of ship they crossed the
ocean with in Columbus days. And tn,
expedition should start from Spain il
good faith. If we are going to foot tn,
bills for this mummery, we want on
moneys worth. We want to know tina
the expedition is running just as mucl
risk as Columbus did. Short of tina
tho whole thing is a rank outrage an,
realism is nowhere. Prince Russell B
or his New York partner, might be az
pointed to represent the stout old aC
miral. Depew declares they are fon
of associating themselves with the gran
geographical features of our country
The men that with their stately form
blocked the canons of the Colorado fror
the photographers camera may we'll b
prevailed upon to do a little histori
~tomfoolery. Let us have a crew frol