The record-union., 1891-10-10
SMITH REVEALS A ROMANCE.


of the smoking room. His cigar, though
in hand, had gone out His eyes were
uprolled. as if studying the part of his
hair. He was thinking.
"Hello!" I began. "Have you been
transforming the future into the past
again?"
"Yes," he replied. dreamily. 81 have
been reviewing a little romance which
occurred in 1892, and it has made me sad.
will tell it to you, if you like, for
melancholy is a coach in which there is
always room for one more"
"You may book me for first-class
passage" replied.
II must first explain" he promised,
'the marvellous growth of nickel-in-the-
slot machines before their final abolition,
of which / have already told you, 1 think
For instance, they guarded the gates and
sold tickets at all the ferries and elevated
stations, and the man in the box who
snaps How many? at you when you
place the exact change before him, was
relegated to that bourne from which no
traveller returns, and consequently was
heard of never after.
Machines that sold cigars, ales, wines
and spirits became SO plentiful that a
special session Of the Legislature was
convened, which so amended the excise
laws that any such machine found out
later than l a. NJ. was guilty of misde-
meanor and liable to confiscation. This
regulation was observed to the letter by
the police.
Speaking of these lilies Of the field,
their number was greatly reduced by the
substitution of automata which stood
upon corners, and for nickel-the price
of q driOl<-n0iOtn6 indnfi Oito1u in ra-
sponse to q queery regarding direction.
1.-THE churches settled the ques-
ton of free sittingS and no
collections by the adoption of self
closing pew door, which opened only by
the insertion of dime. So delicately
were they constructed that buttons were
no longer priced by the godly, and the
office OF usher became sinecure. A
noteworthy result was a uniform cut in
clerical salaries.
1.-The most ingenious contrivance, how,
ever, was known as the Universal Letter
Writer. And it is upon this-a veritable
deus &c nedchaAd, L may say-that my
story hinges. Its base was circled by
various slots, each bearing a different in
scription. For example, there were some
such as these; Answer to a dun, plead
ing sickness; DO, do, out of town; DO,
do, will be in the first Of the month"; The
edges Of these slots were noticeably worn
by frequent use. Others that seemed to
be equally popular were: Refusal to
lend So; Acceptance of invitation to
lunch; DO, do, to theater.' There were,
on the other hand, slots that were COW
cred with the dust of neglect. Among
these I might name: 'Inclosing amount
of loan; Accepting pastors invitation to
prayer meeting; Thanking friend for a
prompt remittance
Affairs OF the heart were covered by
many subdivisions, Of which l will par
ticularize only the following: General
love letter (male)'; general love letter (fe-
malep; making up quarrel two forms)':
after engagement, next day (rapture)'
after engagement, six months Cant
come around to-nightf; proposals three
forms according to age)-SiXteen to TWEEN
tytWo, tWenty-three to thirty-five,
thirty-five to fifty The last of these was
always in a state of moIdy desuetude, and
the question Of its removal provoked an
acrimonious debate in the Board of Di-
rectors of the company owning the inyen-
tion. 1t was finally retained through the
fearful efforts Of the President, who had
a maiden sister with cOrkscrew curlS and
a yinegary nose, who insisted upon bless
ing his home with her presence.
There were, of course, domestic slots,
such as we need coal'; Il saw such a love
Of bonnet; the cook is drunk again,
and ma has come for a few days for
wiiely use. And must work at the books
tonight; have hot biscuits for supper
and L have no change suitable for the
head of the household.
Il may also add that all those forms of
polite usage which are common in good
society were here furnished, and were
naturally much sought after by bar
tenders and seryant-maids."
| here ventured the remark that the lit
erary work must have been admirable to
permit such machine to prove popular
st was admirable" Smith gravely as
sented. Whoever prepared these mis-
SiVeS was a cOnSummate Judge Of human
nature and of the niceties of the English
language. Nothing could better eXem-
pity this than his closing periods. Take
the much-used form, Refusal to lend, for
example. 1t invariably ended, Yours
sincerely How natural! If there is a
word that embodies acidulated negation
it is this Same word Sincere Its deriya-
ton means without wax / believe, and
very properly, for when it is employed
regard does not wax, but is ever on the
wane. Then, too, the form / saw such a
love of a bonnet was couched in far more
affectionate terms than We need coal. ,
And all replies to duns invariably con-
cluded, Yours very respectfully
when / tell you that the insertion of
a dime provided at once a typewritten
copy of any of these forms, a stamped
envelope and fountain pen (on a string),
you may well believe that the Universal
Letter Writer, like loaf to starving
man, filed a long-felt want"
Were there no defects in it''? I queried.
"None except such as must exist when
a general is applied TO particular. Thus,
Love letter day after engagement
(male),' among other things, said: When
l gaZed straight into your matchless orbs,
darling, and saw the lovelight dancing in
twin alteration to Venus etc. Now, of
course, it wouldn't have done to send
this to a cross-eyed Dulcinea. And one
had to be careful in using it to select the
right slot. Imagine the quandary of a
young husband who by mistake sent
Acceptance to lunch to his wife instead
of Must work on the books tonight
''This brings me to my romance-the
lamentable ending which carelessness
brought to the wooing of the charming
Sallie Manton by the ardent but nervous
George Bliffins."
''Oh, thought you had forgotten all
about that,'' said [. And did you dream
it"?
Certainly he replied, rather gruffiy.
you don't think l would make it up,
do you''?
a prompt denial smoothed the ruff1ed
feathers of my friend Smith, and so he
resumed:
George Blifins was good-Iooking
young fellow of three and twenty, well
formed and manly, as he had often proved
himself in athletic sports. He was popu-
lar with his fellows, and so the correlatiye
was true that before women he was little
more than bashful BOBBY. Some day 1
may explain to you the growth of this
characteristic in men, that the fayorite of
their sex is the butt of the other, and
vice versa; but now will only say that
its existence cannot be refuted.
Now, George never appreciated that