Connecticut western news., 1891-02-18
ON FORTS

ON FORTS
 Every man has got 8 Fort. It's sum mems fort to do one thing, and some other mems fort to do another, while there is nuneris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to do nothin
 Shakspeer rote good phase, but h. wouldn't hay succeeded as Washing ton correspondent of New York daily paper He lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun
 That's so!
 Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. Whare bowts can Georges ekal bs found? Task. & boldly anser no whares. or eny whare else
 Old man Townsin's Fort was to 1naik Sassyperiller. ''Goy to the world! an uther life saived!' (Cotashun from Townsin's advertisemunt.)
 Cyrus Fields Fort is to lay a sub-ma- chine tellegraf under the boundin billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust.
 Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mends everything. Won der eff it will mend a sinners wickid wage Qmpromtoo goak.)
 Zoary's Fort is to be q female circus feller.
 My Fort is the great moral show biz miss & ritin choice famerly literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the mat ter with me. ..........
 &c., &c.. &sc. So I mite go on to a in- defnit extent.
 Twict I've endevered to do things which thay wasn't my Fort. The fust time was when undertuk to lick owdashus cuss who cut q hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez l, my jentle Sir go out or 1 shall fall onto you putty hevy." Sez he, Wade in, Old wax figgers," whare- upon l went for him, but he cawt me powerful on the he'd & knockt me threw the tent into COW pastur. He pursood the attack & flung me into mud pud- dle. Az aroze 6 rung out my drencht garments koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the kurtin upon Seen 2nd: It is rarely seld,lm that seek con- solation in the Flowin Bole. But in a sertin town i'll Injianny in the Faul of l8-, my orgin grinder got sick with the fever 6 died. Inever felt so ashamed in my life, & thowt I'd hist in a few swallows of suthin strengthin.
 Konsequents was histid in so much dident zackly know whare bowts l was. !, turnd my Twin wild beests of Pray loose into the streets and split all my wax wurks. then Bet coold play hoss. So 1 hitched myself to Kanawl bote, there bein two other horses hitchr on also, one behind and anuther ahead of me. The driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But the hossns bein on- sse6 te sich aarrangemunt begun to kick 6 squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was ldckt vilent]y in the stummuck 6 back, and presuntly fownd myself in the Kanawl with the other hosses, hckin 6 yellin like tribe of Cusscaroorus sav- vijis. l was rescood, & as I was bein carrid to the tavern on hen lock Bored l sed in feeble voise, Boys, playin hoss isn't my Fort"
 MoRUL.-Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for eff you do you'll find youself splashin round in the Kanawl, fggeratively speakin.
 H1GH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. In the Faul of 1856, showed my show in Utiky, trooly grate sitty in the State of New York.
 The people gave me 8 cordyal recep- shun. The press was loud in her prases. day as was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn 6 disgust to see big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax fggers of the Lords Last Supper, and cease Judas [scarrot by the feet and drag him ou, on the ground. He then commenced Ea1.ak kr,x l l,.,r l,< L