Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1891-05-13
TAKING A B0ARDER.
A SHREwD HUSBANDS METHOD OF MAN
AGING Hrs WIFE.

AGING HIS WIFE.
= Hopkins was anxious to cure his young
wife of the notion that there was lots of
money to be made by keeping boarders.
We will let Hopkins tell how he did it:
After much cogitation fiually hit on q
plan of action, and when al was ready
gave, to my wife's delight, willing con
sent to try one boarder at first, making the
provision, however, that no extra bills
should be incurred in the stores and that
the regular household allowance, with the
board money added, only was to be used.
The look of joy and the kiss got for be.
ing SO good (?) almost made me sorry / had
not consented before, though the cheerful
ness and ardor my dear, little, unsuspect-
ing wife displayed in preparing for the
boarder made me feel mean when
thought of the deception was about to
play on her.
But under the circumstances, which /, or
no other husband, could control Except by
strategy, felt justified, and eased my
conscience sufficiently to maintain an ap-
parent show of cordially in the 1ndertak-
ing.
I had been to see an old college chum of
mine who was merry bachelor and right
properly named Jack Suffer.
In college he had been famous for stuff
ing-not his head but his stomach-and his
reputation in that line had increased hun
dredfold since. He was always hungry.
A whole turkey to him was no more than
quail on toast to ordinary mortals. He
had often eaten on wagers at the club and
easily beaten, with two men against him.
And his appetite was ever to be depended
on. no matter what was set before him.
''Jack," said I, 81 want you to help me.
My wife is filled with the idea Of taking
boarders and making money out of 'em.
Pm down on the arrangement, but daren't
oppose any longer. She don't know you.
Now, you come and spend week at my
house-pretend you're boarder. you know
and Just clean the table at every meal;
show her thera's no money in the business,
and-I'll be very grateful. The cooking,
especially her pies, l guarantee to be A
No. l."
On the next Monday morning Jacks
three trunks, two of them filled with
bricks, came, and in the afternoon l intro.
duced Mr.. Suffer as orr new boarder, and
we went in to dinner.
If the minister had been there the table
couldn't have held more, neither could my
rosy checked, smiling wife have been more
gracious.
JACK WAS UCdmluSp ohu Al cPioO VA hAc
huge size looked handsome as he entertain
ed our little tot, Daisy, who sat opposite
him at the table.
As for me / had to bite my lips in order
to keep on straight face, for knew MIR.
Stuffer had purposely gone without his
MONDAY lunch to do justice to the occa-
sion.
We had roast turkey, and did the cary
ing, Jack had finished q second liberal
plateful when saw him quietly unloosen
his vest. He had already emptied the
bread plate, eaten half the butter and sug
ar, besides playing havoc with the vege
tables, etc. He was beginning to attract
my still radiant w1fe's attention, likewise
Miss Daisy, who, was afraid, would em-
barrass her mother by speaking the won.
der that her big eyes showed at the grand
appetite before her.
Giving sly wink at me, and with most
innocent, matter. of fact manner, Mr.. Stuff
er passed his plate for third supply of
turkey which cut SO as to leave nothing
but it's skeleton, while my poor wife hand
ed over the balance of the vegetables and
things at her end.
The feat was accomplished. Jack had
cleared off the table.
Then he commenced on the dessert, one
pie, two pies, three pies followed the tur-
key-still our new boarder, chatting pleas
antly and telling his mock experience in
previous boarding places where his present
dinner would be merely "luuoh, kept on.
My wife, growing nervous in spite of
her efforts to see nothing unusual. gave me
despairing glances which I, of course, fail
ed to catch, and finally, when the larder
was exhausted, Mr.. Suffer laid down his
knife and fork, and, after asking what time
we would breakfast, withdrew with me to
the smoking room where, when the door
was shut, we laughed wickedly at the ap-
parent success of our plot.
1t turned out as l expected. Before the
week was half gone my wife came to me
with tears in her sweet eyes and said the
weekly allowance was used up and l must
let the boarder GO for she plainly saw there
was no profit in the business. After fright
ening her by saying we had engaged the
boarder for a year and would have to feed
him if il took our last cent and mortgaged
the house, 1 offered to see what l could do.
Jack left at the end of his week, and no
person can ever again persuade my wise
little helpmate to bankrupt herself and me
with boarders unless some one who don't
understand the difficulty of properly man.
aging wife sees fi5 to "give me away"