The record-union., 1891-04-12
An Illustration of the Laws In
Scrutability.
A Foot Race In the Still Small Hours
of Morning A Cruel April Fool
Bitter is Cruelty Bitten-Ebenezer
Brown Shot Craps-Other Stories.


able"
''Whats the matter now?" asked Mr..
Twitter.
Matter enough. Here's an item in the
EUeniag Doughnut: Thomas Bowlegs
had his watch stolen in Front-street
deadfall last night. The thief was cap
tured and jailed. Bowlegs was also taken
to the jail and locked up in order to in
sure his appearance next Thursday at the
Police Court as witness. AS all the cells
but one were full, Bowlegs and his de-
spoiler occupied the same cell together
Now what do you think of that?"
The new reporter has gotten himself
dislilled by Fire Chief Guthrie. How did
it happen2 Why the silly young man
was gathering the details of a small con-
Migration on K street, and had the gall to
ask the Chief who, if anybody, was pres
ent when the defective flue.
Judge Henry cut loose again last week
and told another of those yarns about
early-day court incidents.
The case of Mulcahy, who was charged
with battering OHoolihan, was on hear
ing before Justice Winker and a jury.
The evidence was all in and the learned
counsel for Mulcahy was operating upon
''Nly wise and able friend, the special
attorney for the prosecution, has told you,
gentlemen of the jury" went on the at
tOrney, ''how his client, that little
cross-eyed, red-headed, fiannel-mouthed
individual who sits over there in the cor
ner on the cracker-boX, was brutally
clubbed, stamped upon, and maltreated
by this innocent, harmless and quiet
gentleman who sits here by me. And of
all the testimony they have introduced,
there is not a shadow of a hair of an iota
of evidence that anybody saw the alleged
assault. Now how are you going to con-
vict this poor man? True, O'HoOGhan
says he had the stufIing kicked out of
him. but what does his testimony amount
to when nobody else saw the alleged as
sault? And, besides, gentlemen of the
jury, why didn't somebody hear the
rumpus? All, answer that, if you can.
If this man O'Hoolihan was being SO
terribly beaten, why didn't he holler? Is
there any testimony that he hollered?
No. Ifhe had
At this juncture the argument was in
terrupted by the O'Hoolihan family war
whoOp, and the complaining witness was
observed to be siding up to the attorney
In most IN menacing manner.
lihan. "Holler! Bad luck ter yez fer
yeZ impotence. Holleri Yez handy
legged scalpeen-did yez ever hear av
O'Hoolihan wot hollered?"
Ebenezer Brown is 'cullud'' lad who
has a very bright future before him.
Last Sunday Ebenezer left home shortly
after breakfast and did not show up again
until late that night. His ma was wait
ing for him.
''Looky heah, you Ebenezah, you brack
rasthcal, whar you been all day, huh?"
"Oh, dat's all right, nanny. L amt
been doin' nothin' very bad" said the
youthful diplomat. "Pse like George
Washington an won't tell no lie. Use
been shootin' all day"
The storm that was brewing in the ma
ternal breast was quelled. How could
she have the heart to chastise after such
display of truthfulness? No, she gave
EbeneZer cooky instead.
"GOlly, that was slickr' unused the
urchin as he scampered off to bed some
minutes later. "Ef nanny knowed as
how it WOE craps rs been shootin' all day,
mebbe she wouldn't er wallOped me-"
Snipes had Just been preaching an anti
dancing sermon to his friend Butts.
Personally he concluded, 81 have but
one great objection TO dancing"
And what is that? ?'' asked Butts.
That l can't dance"
Lee Bell, the popular night clerk of the
Golden Eagle, prides himself on his abil-
ity as foot racer-or rather he did until
a couple of evenings ago.
During the past six months or more he
has been very pl olitic with his challenges,
but no one seemed TO care to try his met
tie. Even the cracks of the local athletic
club were made to take water, and while
the handsome clerk had never been put
to the test, and nobody had ever seen him
run, he was reputed to be the fastest run
ner in Sacramento, and there were even
those who thought he could outrun any
body on the Pacific Coast.
But like all great men Mr.. Bell met his
Waterloo
1t was after midnight and several gen
tlemeu, including a tall, broad-shoulder-
ed, strongly-built young man of the
blonde type, were sitting around the
hotel stove conVersing. When the sub
ject turned upon athletics and sprinting,
Clerk Bell became deeply interested, and
1t was not long before he was recounting
to the party his own victories on the
cinder path. And he added that although
ii had been two years since his last great
race, he was just as good to-day as ever
Somebody suggested that the genial
clerk looked a tritie high in flesh for
tOOt-racor.
'Humphl might be a little heavy to
get out and win the worlds championship
just now" said the clerk, but just the
game I can get right out in the street now
and beat anybody in the house,
Nobody seemed inclined to dispute with
him.
Anybody in the house for dollars or
dOughnuts,' repeated the racer, glancing
around at each OF the party.
Another silence.
I'm give any one of you five yards
start and run block or a hundred yards
hight now" was the next def.
Somebody nudged the tall, blonde young
man, and then whispered something to
him
YES. certainly" replied the blonde,
III 60 out and run with him just for the
fun Of it."
Wen, they only ran block, and poor
Bell was not in il. He declared that he
was not feeling well, however, and was
not 'at himself"
But the sequel! The next afternoon the
clerk happened into an uptown cafe, and
Met the blonde and several others. He
shook hands with the blonde gentleman,
and happening TO glance at the latter's
breast he noticed that he wore hand
some leweled badge or medal just under
the lapel OF his coat. OF course he was
permitted 10 look at il. On the reverse
side of the emblem was the following
legend: Won by Walter a. Scott, Pa
cihc Coast Amateur Championship in
running for three consecutive years.
They carried the clerk home on a shut
ter,
The legend of 1.-THE bitter bitten - has
often been exemplifed, but never so
forcibly as it WIS in Sacramento several
days ago.
The proprietor of an uptown resort
eSsayed 10 increase the business of his
bar by setting practical joke trap, and
then waiting for the victims To ask eyery-
body up. He had prepared a large plat
ter of ffritters, and set them out on the
lunch counter. The fritters looked all
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