New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1891-05-06
DAN MITERS.
CHAPTER I.

Dan Miters was especially drunk.
BY this [ mean that any other man
in the village of Cane Hill might have
been drunk-and indeed other men of
that respectable community had been
known to indulge too heartily in
drink-but that Dan Miters, being the
acknowledged drunkard of the place,
was especially and particularly in
toxicated. He was a man of ack-
nowledged sense. He had, gossip
said, as a. prelude to some disparag-
ing statement concerning his weak
ness, carried off the honors at a we'll
known school. One thing was GER
tain. He expressed himself in better
language than even the county judge
could hope to employ, and this, at
Cane Hill, was regarded as a con-
vlncing assertion of a higher educa-
ton.
Dan had first come to the village as
the agent o. a nursery; not that sort
of nursery which would disprove the
declaration that marriage, among the
poor at least, is a failure to perpetu-
ate human misery, but as the agent Of
a company which had fruit trees for
sale. He did not thoroughly succeed
in running the gauntlet of village
curiosity, for villagers are critical Of
appearances, and a lazy lounger who
sits all day at the store, while his
wife is taking in washing the utterly
worthless fellow who would rather
wallow in the mire with a. black false
hood than to recline on avelvet couch
with a bright truth; who wears a.
filthy shirt and one "bed tick" suspen-
der; who chews charity tobacco and
splits at knot-hole which, he thinks
by the right of his own yellow slime,
he has pre-empted-that fellow will
crlticlse the clothes and facial ex
preston OF a stranger.
Dan was criticised, not only by the
worthless loafer, but by the merchant,
and even by the faded woman who had
slipped in to exchange a few eggs for a
small piece OF calico. They declared
that Dams hair was too red, and that
there were too many treckles on his
face; and it was agreed that he did not
dress as a gentleman should. The
worthless loafer squirted at his pre-
empted knot-hole and remarked:
"Now you're glttin' right down to
the squar' facts.''
That was a long time ago. Dan was
absorbed into the community's social
system, and became celebrated as the
village drunkard. Previous to his
achievement of this distinction, the
fame had belonged to one Peter B.
Rush, and it appeared that he could
never be robbed of the reputation
which he had laboriously acquired,
but after q few years OF con-
test, Peter B. Rush's warmest
admirers were forced to acknowl-
edge that the palm belonged to
Dan Mlters. What a handy man was
Miters when comparison was needed!
What an encouragement to innova-
ton! A man, in speaking of some
one who was stupidity influenced by
liquor, was no longer under the neces-
slty of saying that he was as drunk
as the disreputable canine associate
OF the fiddler, but simply fulfilled all
demands by affirming that he was as
drunk as Dan Miters.
Seriously-and unfortunately we
are all compelled to be serious at
times the man of twenty-five whose
education had not been neglected was
at forty-tive, a hopeless vagabond,
with every hope trampled into the
mud away down the road behind him.
He did odd Jobs, cleaned out cellats,
and cut fire-wood for scolding women.
One day, when he appeared to be
soberer than usual, the mayor of the
village thus addresse ed him:
dan, would like to know some
thing about your life"
"And I, SIR" Dan replied, "would
like to know something about my
DEATH"
"You are funny fellow, DAM
"No doubt OF it, sir. A corpse has
been known to grin"
"Come, don't talk that way. You
have been here now about twenty
years and none of us know where Won
were born"
"And do you really want to know
where was born?" S..--.~.s
Eyes, I'd like to know"
"Well sir, was born in the night.''
"There you so again. Say, do you
know that If you would brace up there
is yet time for you to accomplish
something?"
eyes? But you have tried, and what
have you accomplished"
"Why, I own a good house and lot
Il am married and have a family of
interesting children"
els that alp"
"But isn't that enough?"
'Hardly, for you have not taught