davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
The Engineers Story.

The locomotive engineer was off duty
and had time to talk.
"We have some queer experiences he
said zone of the things that is not pleas
ant is to run over animals and we avoid it
all we can. They never seem to know that
it is good deal safer to take five steps to
the right or left than it is to take five hun
dred right ahead That's why we have to
stop often and head them off the track
81 had a funny thing happen to me
once on the Chesapeake and Ohio road
About two miles from a bridge one
day l scared up mule in the middle OF
the track. and | whistled for all l was
worth, but the mule kept in the track on a
run. At last had to stop, and the fireman
went ahead and drove him off. By the
time the fireman got back and we had
started that coufounded mule was on the
track again and we were after him. We
didn't dare to take the risk of running
over him, for that is dangerous business,
SO we had to stop again and drive him
away. Well, this thing occurred once OF
twice more, and by the last time we had got
SO close to the bridge that we were sure
the fool mule was going to try to cross it,
and we stopped again, this time cuss-
ing mad, and fully prepared to shoot
the mule if we got chance We
chased him right up to the bridge, and
then down over the field he went with Il
bray and stopped all right in the road be
low, and right ahead of us on the bridge,
fastened down some way by his legs be-
tween the ties, we found that mules mate.
We saw it all then, and. by George! we
were tempted to take up collection from
the passengers on board for the benefit OF
the mule which had saved their lives, fo1
if we had run in on that obstruction moth
ing under heaven could have saved the
train.'
AS the engineer concluded his tale
pous looking man in the far corner got up
slowly and started out.
81 had a very respectable sized lie to tell
myself" he said YEARLY, "but I'm too par
alyzed to tell it this evening"" and the door
slammed to on his heels.-Detroit Free
pracS
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

The person who is inclined to boast o,
mis- valuable possessions is likely to have
the laugh turned Upon him, on occasion.
Awealthy man was once exhibiting proud
ly to some acquaintance table which h
had bought. and which, he said. was 50t
years old.
THAT is nothing" said one of the com
pany. 81 have in my possession a tabl
which is more than 5000 years old"
~Three Thousand years oldr' said hi
host. THAT is impossible. Where was il
made?"
Probably in India"
Sin Indiai What kind Of table IL it'
"The multiplication tableP' - Youth =.
Companion.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
1t Was Not Put Up.

At II o'clock the other night 1 passed
down Twenty-third street just as police
man was routing a forlorn looking chap
out of public stairway, where he had
been taking nap. The man had nothing
to say for two or three minutes as we
walked along together, but he finally
hunched up his shoulders, shivered in q
vigorous manner and said:
"You saw it all, didn't youW
Eyes"
saw him slam me around, knock my
head against the wall and club me over
the back?'
eyes"
believe it was real, don't your"
"Of course. Why shouldn't II"
swell, / didn't know but what you'd
think, when l came to ask you for ten
cents to get bed with, that the officer and
had put up a job to make nickel apiece
out of youp'-New York Evening World.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Before the Fire.

The wintry air seems full of snow,
The leaden clouds are hanging low,
The frozen ground
Reverberates beneath your tread,
The bare boughs creak above your head
A dismal sound.
November now is almost here
November, chill and dark and drear;
And soon the snow
Will heap itself up, drift on drift,
And into every Granny sift,
While fierce winds blow.
Well, never mind; the glowing coal
Within the CRATE will cheer your soul,
And send thrill
OF joy all through you till dismay
Ensues at thought of how you'll pay
The coal mans bill.
-Somerville Journal.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
NOT Als Ing.


There was . Limit to His Powers, and
He Found It
| A woman sat by the open basement win
| dow Of house in West Thirty-f1fth street,
when man came along with seven raj
traps and eight mouse traps slung over bis
shoulder on cord. He leaned on the
fence, wiped his perspiring brow with q
crippled handkerchief and said:
Madam, no lengthy explanation is de-
| manded am selling mouse and rat traps
My stock Is right here. Sell you trap
warranted to catch the cutest old rat in
New York city for quarter. These mouse
traps warranted to entice the most bash
full mouse In the state to his destruction,
are only fifteen cents. Might make the
two thirty-fiye cents to you"
The woman was darning hole in the
heel of long handled black stocking. She
darned and looked up, and darned and
looked down, but she made no reply.
"Of course" said the man, as be detached
one Of the traps from the cord and held it
out, ''if you have no rats here you want no
traps but take IL you have rats. We all
have 'em That's where the rich can get
no advantage over the poor. don't say
that it isn't cheaper to lay for rat with q
sled stake, but as matter of convenience
the trap is ahead. Savoy, rha'am"
She looked up again, turned the stock
ing wrong side out and back, and said
nothing.
"A person not in the rat and mouse
business gives little or no thought to sta
tistics," continued the man, as he rested
one foot on the fence Have you any idea
OF the appalling increase of the rodent
populationi Probably not. | have met
poets, editors, fnanciers and statesmen
who had given it no thought As matter
of fact, ma'am, one pair of rats will multi
ply themselves 1000 times in two years.
One thousand rats will consume an aver
age of 81, 600 worth of provisions per year.
One of my traps will catch 1000 rats every
365 days. 1t is therefore a question OF
whether you will invest 25 cents or lose
BY this time she had got through with
the hole in the heel and found one in the
toe of the stocking. She looked up at him
MS she threaded the darning needle again.
but was silent.
"Mind you" said the man, after looking
up and down the street, II don't say that
the rat shouldn't have Il show. He was
created for purpose, the same as man.
and simply because we happen to have the
most intelligence we have no right to wipe
him out Of existence. What | do contend,
however, is that he must be kept within
certain limits. Whenever, owing to num-
bers and righteousness, he becomes men
ace to mans welfare, he must go to the
wall. 1t is with that end in view that rat
traps were invented, and that | have come
down from Yonkers to offer these traps at
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Perhaps It Was Plush.

There was a fatherly old man among the
passengers who landed from West Shore
railroad ferryboat at the foot of Forty
second street, and some of his observations,
after getting into cross town car, proved
what an Innocent hearted old chap he was.
Pretty soon the car stopped for a woman
wearing a fur cape. and she sat down al.
most opposite him. He Boked her over
very carefully and pretty soon leaned over
and observed:
my daughter Hammer has bin coaxir
me all the fall to buy her a cape like that.
They do look purity stylish"
The wearer of the cape blushed and
looked confused, as was proper under the
circumstances, while the other passengers
winked at each other and kept very quiet.
~ told her I'd see about it when come
TO town." continued the old man, as he
bent over still further. II s'pose they are
purity comfortable, hain't they?"
She blushed still more, and looked very
nervous and uncomfortable, but he didn't
notice it. He extended his hand, felt Of
the fur, and continued
II don't purtend to be posted on SIGH
things. Is that real fur or only plushf"
''Sirl" exclaimed the woman as she rose
and caught strap and glared at him fol
thirty seconds before making for the plat
form.
He looked after her with open mouth
and never uttered word until she stepped
of and the car started again. Then he
turned to the man on his left and whis-
pered:
Land O. massyl but jest thought fur
minute she was goin to scratch and pull
hairi What dye spose she got so all
fired mad about. New York Evening
World.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

An American In Paris, presenting Z
check ct bank, was met with the Gus
tomary formula:
You must be identified"
Whom shall | get? The American
consult with shade Of SARCASM in his
tone.
mo: don't know the American con-
sui"
The traveller objected that 1t was
rather hard to expect of a total stranger
that he should have already effected an
entree into the society graced by the
teller. But the latter was obdurate.
Then the traveller had a brilliant idea.
He went into neighboring cafe and
called the waiter to him. do you know
the teller of that bank?" he asked. point
ing to the building.
"Oh, yes: he stops in here every day
for his lunch"
"Well." said the traveller, 81 want you
to step into the bank with me and tell
him that am M, of New York
The waiter shrugged his shoulders.
"He, monsieur, but don't know you"
THAT makes no difference. Here's
half franc"
The argument was conclusive. The
waiter took the tip, accompanied the
traveller to the bank, and the teller ac-
cepted the Identification without muir
mur.-Once Week.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
He Jumped.

AT midnight the other night a man
walked down President street, Brooklyn,
singing 1.-THE Old Kentucky Home" at
the top of his voice. A window went
up and the voice of an indignant citizen
shouted at him:
you, there! You ought to be arrest
ed and sent up for month";
"What have | done?" innocently in
quired the singer.
"You are bawling along the street
and waking everybody upl'
"Bawling?"
Eyes, bawling!'
"Well, mebbe l was; wasn't paying
much attention. will now do my best,
however,
And he struck up "The Old Oaken
Bucket" about four keys higher and
lifted every baby on the street out of its
crib.--New York World.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

Went In Good Shape.
a case was being tried In q country
court. A horse had been stolen from q
pasture, and the evidence all pointed to
certain doubtful character of the neighbor-
hood rs the culprit. Though his guilt
seemed clear he kad found lawyer to
undertake his defense. At the trial the
defendants attorney expended his energy
in trying to confuse and brighten the OPP
posing witnesses, especially certain farm
er whose testimony was particularly
damaging. The lawyer kept up fire Of
questions, asking many foolish ones and
repeating himself again and again, in the
hope OF decoying the witness into con.
tradiction.
"You say" the lawyer went on, that you
an swear to having seen this man drive a
horse past your farm on the day in ques
ton"
II can," replied the witness YEARLY, fol
he had already answered the question
dozen times.
"What time was thisS"
81 told you it was about the middle OF
the forenoon"
"But don't want any 'abouts' or any
mindless want you to tell the jury the
exact time"
why" SAID the farmer, Il DON'T al
ways carry gold watch with me when
I'm digging potatoes"
"But you have clock in the house,
haven't youY'
eyes"
"Well, what time was it by that?"
"Why, by that clock it was just nineteen
minutes past TO-"
"You were in the field all the morning?'
went on the lawyer, smiling SUCCESSFULLY.
81 was''
"How far from the house is this field"
"About half mile"
'You swear, do you, that by the clock in
your house it was exactly nineteen min
utes past 10?"
81 do"
The lawyer paused and looked trium
phantly at the jury; at last he had entrapped
the witness into contradictory statement
that would greatly weaken his testimony.
81 think that will do" he said, with
wave of his hand. 81 am quite through
with you"
The farmer leisurely picked up his hat
and started to leave the witness stand.
Then, turning slowly about, he added q
ought, perhaps, to say that too much reli
ance should not be placed upon that clock,
as it got cut of gear about six months ago
and it's been nineteen minutes past 10 ever
since. "-Philadelphia Times.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
VARIOUS VERSES.



Mr.. A. GAY Youngman. of Columbus, So
aged here with friends. Lancaster Gaxstts.
He Sundayed there, we must presume.
Because he wanted quiet,
And dinner-ed there because he liked
The Lancasterian diet.
He may have paper-ed there awhile,
Or yellow cover booked it.
Or marveied, after he had nleal-ed,
How well the people cooked it.
Perhaps he hammock-ed In the shade.
And Just cigar-ed little,
And pulled the smoke into the air.
And cuspidor- ed the spittle.
Or maybe he'd q sweetheart there
And afternoon-ed about her.
And vowed that ne'er till he was graved
Could he get on without her.
Perhaps her mother at that point
Came in and mother-in-lawed him;
Perhaps her father carriaged up
In style and overawed HIM
Perhaps, however, they were not
Disturbed in either fashion;
They may have parlor-ed it alone,
And rocking chair-ed their passion.
Perhaps he supper-ed with his dear,
Then hurried to the station,
And trained and street-car-ed to his home
In great exhilaration.
-Orillia Patriot
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

An elegantly dressed female recently en-
tered the establishment of an optician on
Broadway with her head thrown back and
a supercilious smile on her face.
Madam, what can do for your" asked
the proprietor.
of the very best quality"
"Here is one Of the finest Venetian glass
and the best quicksilver"
Mrs. Peterby turned up her nose and
sneeringly said
THAT one with quicksilver Is good
enough for the servants room, but haven't
you high toned Thermometer for my
boudoir, one with quick gold instead OF
quicksilver?"-Texas Siftings.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
True to Her Sex.

Ranchero-I can tell you. we see some
mighty curious sights out west Before
left woman was arrested for poison
ing her husband and several small chill
dren. She was tried. convicted and SEN
fenced to be hanged. She mounted the
scaffold with a firm step. Before the
black cap was drawn over her head the
sheriff asked her if there was any last
word
Listener-Well?
Ranchero-She hadn't finished when !
moved away.-Life.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
A Thrifty Begear.

A gentleman met pauper whom he had
seen on the previous day painfully drag
ging himself along with the aid Of pair
of crutches, but who, at the time we speak
of, was trudging along quite briskly with
out them.
"Was it you spoke to yesterday? You
said you were deprived of the use of your
legs. Where are your crutches?"
"You see, my dear sir, am so poor that
have to leave them at home, now ana
again, for fear of wearing them out too
soon. "-Feuille davis.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Her Reason.

She speaks about my new silk hat,
And says it's not on straight;
She hints about my awkward pose
Until i grow irate;
She says my trousers are too short.
And puts me in a state.
She glances at my wiry hair,
And thinks it might be brushed;
She says that when l tied my tie,
i must have been quite rushed;
And talks about the way sit,
Until i feel quite crushed.
And yet am not vexed with her.
Icould not be, you know,
For when ask her why it is,
She makes so hard my row,
My pretty critic, smiles and says:
because / love you So"
tom Mason in Clothier and Furnisher
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11


'Sir. the charge win D. haif = crown Il Z
am TO tell Jou everything"
Here is the money. Now. a. . guaran-
tee for the future. tell me little of my
past history
Nothing easier. You have been un-
happy in wediockr
II never was married"
"you have had false friends"
"All my friends have remained true to
this day."
II may be mistaken. You have travelled
far and wider"
81 Lave never been any farther than the
next village"
Come, let me see your hand, shall be
able to read more clearly. Now have it.
You have lost money recently?"
"Quite correct. ! lost that half crown
gave you just now. "-Joyeux nasse-temps
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

MY necktie's ready made" quoth he,
II never part my hair
A silk hat with a sack coat goes.
And pants is what | wear.
i amt no dude, but I'm gent,
And you're the girl for me.
amt got creases in my pants,
But lust love you. See?'
The Boston maid blushed rosy red,
And to lis arms she few.
And round her alabaster neck
His clinging whiskers blew.
i love you dear" she softly cried,
He smole a smile serene
"Because your lovely scarfpin is
The image of beam
'-Clothier and Furnisher.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
That Was All.

Weary Clerk (after cutting off twenty
five samples of dress goodsl-Is that all,
MADAME
Miss Grabbe-Um-I would like one
more sample, My mother is so particular.
Cut me off piece from that roll under
your hand.
Little Sister Qoudly)-Why, Mol, that
won't do at all. Mother said she wasn't
going to have any blue in that crazy qulit'
cause it always fades-New York Weekly.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

A would be literary woman, whose en-.
thusiasm for Lord Byron's poetical
works has led her to name her two boys
Harold and Manfred, recently bought q
little dog to which she gave the name
'Perchance.
Replying to a visitors comment upon
the singular name of the animal she said
knowingly:
81 hamed him for Byron's dog. Don't
you remember the line where the poet
says, 'Perchance my dog will how'll y
Youths Companion.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Dread.

She is painting, she is painting,
And her friends grow pale and thin
For fear she'll send them
Hollyhocks,
Or mullen stalks,
Or jabberwocks
On painted plaques
When Christmas time comes in.
Buffalo Enquirer.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

First Stranger-There's no use talking,
these horse dealers can fix a horse up SO
that you can't tell what you're buying.
Second Stranger - That's so. There's
one now that I'll bet the fellow who buys
him will get sick of.
First Stranger-Oh, no, that horse is all
right; I've just bought him.
Second Stranger-Well, ought to know;
I've just sold him.-Texas Siftings.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Two of a Kind,

Johnnie-Hello, Tommie, what does your
mother give you for cuttin that kindlin
wood?
Tommie (cheerfully)-Nothin.
Johnnie-Is that all?
Tommie-Yes. but she gives me some
ching if l don't cut it.
Johnnie-What?
Tommie significantly pointing over his
shoulder)-See that strap?
Johnnie-Ugh Got one like it in our
woodshed too.-Detroit Free Press.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Running No Risks.

Customer-Be sure and have that over
coat ready this week, as want to wear it
to the football match.
TailoT--Are you going to be in the gamef
Customer-Oh, yes.
Tailor (stiffiy)-Then, sir, our terms are
Invariably cash in advance.-Clothier and
Eurnisher.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

eesysnt--Oh, miss, that Mr. Borsm do b
comm here again. There's no uss tellin
him y'r not At home. fur he'll Just push
past me an say he'll wait till yer do come
back.
Miss Beauti-Then for mercy's sake tell
him plainly that Pm engaged. Do it In
ouch way shat he'll conclude to lea.e.
Servant-Yis, mum.
Mr.. Borem "a minute later)-Is Miss
Beauti at homef
Servant Yes. sor, but she do be ingaged;
an the felly she's ingsged TO do be waitiD
in the parler fur yez wild club.--New York
Weekly
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
A Desirable Quality.

During the temporary absence Of Mrs
C-'s cook a woman was secured to take
her place. Finding many things that
needed her attention, Mrs. c. was kept
busy where the substitute was also at
work. After many admiring glances the
latter exclaimed: "Well, Mis- c., you
are smart to work. You must be great
help to hired girl'-Harper's Magazine
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
The Patient Pun.

Patience on monument" remarked
one man to another as they saw doctor
sitting lonely in his office on dull day
Patients under a monument, you
mean," said the other, and smiling they
passed on.-Detroit Free Press.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Economy.

Jack (who has just received a remittance,
linen, after that, L say we have some
zane duck and
Dick (whose remittance has not arrived
Hold onl What do they stick you for
that?
Jack-Two dollars and half.
Nck-Whewl Don't you think we'd
better get wild duck and tame it our
selves?-Life.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
A New Industry.

Professor Wetthedust "a few years hence
c morning, Mr.. Tiller Anything in
m oday. have brought my balloons
a. ,sives along
H. Her american farmer)-Well,
dunno. What's the price of rain now
New York Weekly.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Well Equipped.

Skribler-i really think that that last
poem OF mine runs pretty we'll
Quillink-lt ought to. 1t has plenty
of superhuous feet.-New York Herald
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Had Him Cold.

hear you fought duel with Parker"
81 did"
weren't you afraid to stand up before
a loaded pistol?"
Not with Parker holding it. Pm in
sured in his company. "-Harper's Bazaar.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
The Baby "Joke.o

Baby choked in his sleep one day,
Only a harmless choke, 'twould seem;
But Marjorie settled it, in her way,
Il 'spect," she said, ''he swallowed q
dream"
Ladies' Home Journal.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Appropriate.

jinks Suffering at the Turkish BATH
W-why don't your have an ap-appro-
pirate motto-hung up-p here?
Attendant (pausing)-Whatw would you
suggest!
Jinks-Well, something like Il knead
thee every hour. New York Herald.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

Mr.. Weari-Why in creation don't you
60 to bed?
Mrs. Weari-l must wait up for the
girl.
"Why don't you lock her out?"
I'm afraid she'd stay out. New
York Weekly.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Appropriate for a City Domestic.

New York Lady What would you sug
gest for birthday present for servant?
Jeweler-A locket representing the earth
iDclosed by fence.-Jewelers' Weekly.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
The Cat and the King.

WOOL suppose it is allowable for a
cat to look at king.
Van PeltABut why should a cat want
to?
Wool-ln the case of Emperor Will
ham he might want to compare whiskers.
New York Herald.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
Tickle Rose.

Rose kissed me today,
Who will kiss her tomorrow
That's always the way
When she kisses today,
ask with dismay,
Not unmixed with sorrow;
Rose kissed me today,
Who will kiss her tomorrow?
Harvard Lampoon.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

Nearsighted Stranger-What is this, my
friend-a test of strength between that
man and the horse?
Wildcat Kit-No, pard. That's only
Consumptve Charley sheddin his porous
plaster.-Life.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11

Now l know how blind man will feel
when the world comes to an end. Smith
3 Gray's Monthly.
The World. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1891-1896, 1891-12-11
muir.

Agnes-So you finally accepted him?
Minnie-Yes; the poor fellow pressed
me So
Agnes-No donbt of it. When he
proposed to me he pressed me so hard
that simply declined to marry bear
if he was rich. -Scribner's Magazine.