The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1891-05-15

10 my troubles l com o
pesky near swearing some
profane oaths more'n onct,
but l hope didn't do it, for I've promist
she whose name shall be nameless lex
cept that her initials is Betsy j. that I'll
jine the Meetin House at Baldinsville,
jest as soon as can scrape money enuff
together 80 / can ford to be piuss in
good stile, like my welthy nabers. But
if I'm confsticated agin I'm fraid shall
continner on in my present benited state
for sum time.
I figgered conspicyously in many
thrillin scenes in my tower from Mont
gomry to my humsted. and on sevril
occasions thought ''the CRATE komick
paper" wouldn't be enriched no more
with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo
to Jefferson d. started for the depot.
saw a nigger sittin on a fence a-playin
on banjo. my Afrikan Brother" sed
1, coting from Track onct red, "you
belong to very interestin race. Your
masters is goin to war exclusively on
your account"
eyes. boss" he replied, ''an' l wish
'em honorable graves" and he went on
playin the banjo, larfin all over and
openin his mouth wide enuff to drive in
An old fashioned wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which | was TO
trust my wallerable life was the scaliest,
rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that l
ever saw on wheels afore. What time
does this string Of second hand coffins
leave?" l inquired of the depot master.
he sed direckly, and l went in g. sot
down. l hadn't morn fairly squattod
sfore dark lookin man with u swinis-
ter expression onto his countenance en-
tered the cars, and looking very sharp
It me, he axed what was my principles?
''Seceshw 1 answered. "rm Disso-
utter. I'm in favor of jeff Davis, Bowre-
gard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard,
Munro Edards. the devil, Mrs. Cunning
ham and all the rest of EN-"
You're in favor of the war?"
'Certingly. By all means. I'm in
favor of this war and also of the next
war for over sixteen years!"
I've bin in favor of the next war.
"War to the knife!" sed the man.
"Blud, Fargo, Blud~ sed I, tho them
words isn't orrigernal with me.
We got under way at larst, an pro-
ceeded on our jerney at about the rate
Of speed which is ginrally obsarved by
properly conducted funeral professions.
A hansum yung gal, with a red mus
keter bar on the back side of her he'd.
and sassy little black hat tipt over her
forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She
wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her
hat, and she was a goin for to see her
true love, who had jined the Southern
army, all 80 bold and gay. So she told
me. She was chilly, and l offered her
my blanket.
"Father livin?" I axed.
"Yes SIR"
SCOT any Uncles?"
"a heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho"
''Peace to Uncle Thomas ashes, and
success to him! I will be your Uncle
Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesh-
ar, and lnger in Blissful repose" She
slept as secoorly as in her own housen.
At the first station troop of Sojers
entered tho cars and inquired if "Old
Wax Works" was on bored. That was
the disrespectiv stile in which they re-
ferred to me. "Becawz if Old Wax
Works is on bored" sez man with
face like double brested lobster,
"we're going to hang Old Wax Works!
my illustrious and patriotic Bum
mers" sez l, a gittin up and takin orf
my Shappo, ''if you allude to A. Ward,
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you that
he's ded. He saw the error of his ways
at 10 minits parst . yesterday, and
stabbed hisself with stuffed sled stake,
dyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow
moosic! His larst words was: My per-
feshernal career is over! 1 jerk no
more"
Sand who be your
81 am stoodent in Senator Benja-
minis law offss. I'm going up north to
steal some spoons and things for the
Southern Army"
This was satisfactory and the intossi-
Gated troopers went orf. At the next
station the pretty little Secesher awoke
and said she must get out there. bid
her kind adoo and give her some per-
vishuns. "Accept my blessin and this
hunk of gingerbreadw sed. She thankt
me muchly and tript galy away.
At the next station didn't get OFF 80
easy. Twas dragged out of the cars and
rolled in the mud for several minits, for
the purpose of ''takin the conseet out of
ne" as SeccSher kindly stated.
Twas let up finally, when a powerful
large Secesher came up and embraced
me, and to show that he had no hard
fonlina an;a, mo mt hia noeo into mn