Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1891-02-08
TO MAKE YOU LAUGH
A SCHOOL BOYS PRIZE ESSAY ON FLIES
Bright Sayings Of Wits-Rough on the Dog
Thought Of Hm-A Nice Dishnction-Ihs
Silver Lining-HOpeleSS Hope

An old Cincinnati physician III rum
maging over his papers the other day
came across Renaissance OF his early
struggles when he was country peda-
gogue in the shape OF prize essay by
one of his pupils. He said to a reporter:
"a week before the end Of my term |
announced TO the school that l would
give a prize 10 the pupil who would
write the best piece for the last day.
This created quite a sensation, but IL
soon became evident that there wouldn't
be any sharp competition. Jethrow
lofty intellectual superiority acting
as an availing deterrent against
literary efforts on the part OF the
rest of the school. They were loyal
subjects of Jethrow's and were willing
to strangle their own ambitions for his
glory, so that any proleptic thrills they
might have had related solely TO the
stunning effect of 'Jeth. s coming essay.
1t can be seen between the lines of his
paper that il was his soaring purpose to
astound his teacher and to shoot over,
but at the same time make his school
mates laugh. The prize was TO be a
dog-knife, and of course he got II. Here
is the disquiStion Just as he wrote II:
"FLIzE.
"Flize was inwentid durin the rain OF
Egept. Thay aint never ben emmy i'm
pruvement on the ferSt edishun. Thay
are varis kinds of flize Sech as the hos
fly. the blew bottle fly, the house fly and
the shoe fly. The last kind was diScuv-
erd by Ben Butlor. Mats Is hitler than
the big fize. Thay are very small OF
thare siSe. Flize is quaderped with six
laigS and too wings onto them. right
hand wing and left hand wing. Thare
wings IS oposit other and fastened on
thare Sholder. The tlize back is Sichu-
atcd in a differnt phase from its abdur-
mum. They haint got no purseav-
able tale that is vzahel. Thare
nose is a perbosSeS and is very punjent
Thare lie is onto thare forrid and Amt
got no winkerS onto them. | anti never
saw no years onto fly, but they can
heer noys witch is invizabel to human
perSins. Flize can fly. They can like
wize walk and trot. Thay are poor
swimmers, rot bein water fowl. 1t amt
of much consekcnse to = fly which eend
is up. Flize is split in the hoof but thay
doant chew any cud. They Amt con
sidered good TO eat. cept by toadS and
Sech. Flize suckkelS thare young I'll
thay git thru cuttin thare teath. Fllze
is social cuSs thay 90 in drOaves. a fly
noze a good deel Of nolleg for such Il small
foul. The cock fly is a better singer than
the hen fly. Thay love warm weather
bettern cold weather. Flize loves to git
Grounded in merlaSSeS and hot tee and
coffy. They air powerful fond of SWEET.
A fly's idee OF heyen is TO Craze onto
mans noze wen he is taken his after
nune nap. Fize is a good deel Of COM
pany thay air easy peted they will eat
out OF your hand some foaX makes Mise
littel paper fxins for them to ruste on
TO. but thay wood ruther ruste onto
lookin' glasses pickcher frames and Sech.
Flize spends most OF thare Spair lazure
in whetten thare perbassiSes. FliLe
fethers amt of much commershal i'm
portinS. Bad boys at skule orient to
pull off thare laigs and wings. Good
boys orient to neither.
"JETHEO HAwKENS.'