New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1891-01-07
a Scheming Wife.

a Schening Wife.
Waal, John, before you marry
I'd advise you to be sure your wife
ain t q schemer.''
What do you mean, Uncle Josh?
What would my intended wife scheme
for? Not my wealth. surely"
oh, that amt what I mean. T.
mean schemin' like your Aunt
Sally"
Uncle Josh heaved deep sigh and
glanced furtively at the door. as if
in fear of being overheard.
Now, Uncle Josh, you do not
mean to say marriage has been a
allure for you, do you?" said John
miscbievously.
'Sh! not so loud. would not have
Sally think I was any ways migrate
ful tor her efforts, and she surely
makes enough of 'em, but am awful
tired of her schemes. First, she must
keep bees, I did not want 'em but
schemed till she got 'em. After she
had 'em [ tried to show her little
about managing them, but had not
seen a bee since I was boy, and l was
unable to go into society a month
after the event.
But you still keep bees, I see."
"Yass, and your Aunt Sally takes
care of EN-. I never go next or
nigh 'em,' says Uncle Josh, emphat-
ically.
"Waal, next she takes to poultry.
She near breaks me up buying fancy
breeds; but I did not mind that SO
much as the incubator. Some cuss-
Mr.. Edison, / think-invented that
machine, and it's calculated to rob a
hen OF all the joys OF maternity"
"Did the incubator cause you much
discomfort, Uncle Josh?"
did it? Sometimes of a winter
night, that woman would be out of
bed as high as six times tendin' her
blamed chicken machine"
II thought you slept so soundly
you would not mind that" said
John.
81 was generally unconscious when
she got out of bed, but ugh! can
yet ieel her feet when she came
back"
"Was her venture successful?'
lin measure, my boy, in a meas
ure. | got spinal mena-spinal
something, forget what, caused by
sudden chills. What was that noise,
John? whispered Uncle Josh, nerv-
ously.
"A cat, think replied John.
DO you notice how my clothes
ftp continued Uncle Josh.
II don t see anything particularly
wrong with them"
"But they feel, John, and I don't
dare say a word about them, not if
my shirts choke me. Sometimes my
pants just reach my boot tops, then
ag'in they trail in the DUST"
'Fashions change, maybe" said
John: 'But why do you hesitate to
tell Aunt Sally how you like them?"
"That woman gotup the durndesS
scheme and took the whole family
into it. What was that? I'm sure I
heard some one."
"Rest easy, Uncle Josh, and tell me
of this Infamous scheme.
"Waal, that woman came to me
one day smilin' as basket of chips,
and says she, Josh, I sold some
chickens and bought you a splendid
suit OF clothes and shirts TO go with
them,' and she unfolds the buds.
Them shirts was all glistening and
the clothes plentifully decorated with
store tags, and l was that innocent
| took it as a matter of course.
They fit me beautifully, and l amt
had any to fit me since. After had
worn them a month and frequently
explained to the women folks where
in store clothes were superior to home
made, they holds mass meeting and
tells me how Sally made them
chothes herself, and Simpkins down
to the store furnished the tag deco
rations while the steam laundry aid
ed her in the deceit about the shirts.
Sally had made a confident of all the
neighbor women and the hired man.
Almost everybody knew was bein'
hum-bugged. Do you know what
her latest scheme is, John?'
mo; what is it, Uncle?"
Writing for the press and making
me an object of ridicule before the
world" .s# f.
.'How should that make you an
object OF ridicule, Uncle Josh?''
"You see for each article she writes
she takes one of my little peculiari-
ties for her subject, and although
she never mentions my name, yet
am readily recognized about here.
Now, if Sally was a loving wife she
would not do that. She says if
keep showing now phases of charac-
ter, she won't have time to make my
clothes as she will be SO busy writ
ing me up
/ Z. Z 4