Telegram-herald., 1891-03-29
ANTICS OF THE DEAD
A Jolly Undertaken spins Some
Queer Yarns.
CORPSES CROas AND SIT UPRlLaI
After Hasing Been farnsa over 20 the
Header Mereie< OF ths t@oAimsf--
How Men OF Wooden osereosts
spot Their Lssing Victims.

'If | was out of job today believe
| would learn the undertaking busi-
ness" remarked young business man
TO friend yesterday. His friend stared
at him IN amazement and inquired
what had caused him 10 make such an
extraordinary remark.
because there's money IN It. that's
all" he replied.
But il must be a very unpleasant
business and unhealthy. also"
That's ali IN your eye. Where will you
find more jovial crowd tnan the State
Undertakers' Association when it's III
session, and when did you hear of one
OF those fellows dyings tell you ne
the sottest snap on earth; Its safer than
banking and more independent than
farming. There is never luli in tie
market, q dull season Is lust as good as
lively one, the goods on hand never
81 out OF style and the demand for
them Is steady and perpetual.
Looked AT HIS Face wistfuny.
at must be horribly unpleasant"
said the other, 81 thind II Is dreadful
trade. | was very sick short time
ago; not confined 10 the house all tue
time, but just able To NOPE around. Ii
so happened that bad some business
with friend, who rs an undertaken,
and called ut his establishment. The
wistful way IN which ee gazed at me
when he saw my physical condition
filled me with horror. AT frequent IN
tervals during our interview he would
gaze al the long row OF cases IN which
hls wooden overcoats and funeral trap
pings were kept. and smile with
thoughtful complacency, then he
would look me over from head 10 loot.
and could not help shudderlng as be
mentally took my measure for a coin.
met him one day after bad regaIned
nay health; but he seemed grieved. He
shook me by the hand and congratu-
lated me on my recovery, but his hand
was like the tail of a irnzen Goldfish.
and his large moist eye said as plainly
as words could have expr, ssed IL: slou
have deceived ana disappointed me,
my friend, but | will Try 10 forgive
you | wouldn't be an undertaken for
all the wealth of the Rothschllds."
''Iou fellows don't know anything
about it," remarked another man.
"I've been there. / worked at the
business about two years and then
Quit" TIE others saw that he was
wound up for yarn and gave him
chance to spin il.
He Tells Grim Stories to Thorn.
'T had been in training pretty near
wear and had overcome my natural
repugnance to handling the dead and
was bee oming quite an adept in artistic
posing and expression. | made quite a
hit IN my handling of old Simon Sharp.
skinfiint miser who literally starved
himself Ia death. fixed the old man
up with benevolent pose and put
smile on has face that would have done
credit to an angel. When the boss
locked the loh over he congratulated
me and said would some day become
n great man. | was in hIgn feather
after this for about two months and then
/ got set back. A travelling man
keeled over with apoplexy while stop
ping at one of the hotels, and as his
family lived 500 miles away | was sent
to embalm the corpse. got into the
room, laid out my kit. and got ready
for business. Just rs Il was about TO
commence operations the corpse gave
blood curdling groan and then sat up
right with wild. stafing eyes and hands
clawing in every direction"
"Was scared? Well slightly; You
couldn't have seen me for the dust ]
kicked up getting away from there.
came to my senses IN few minutes and
doctor was sent mp. The man recov-
cred. but he was dead gone on me. and
as for myself. my nerve was I'll gone.
| was always expecting my subjects 10
suddenly rise M and cxpostniate with
me on nv methods. | kept pcgging
away until my final experience.
An Old Lady Boh. Up.
An old Irish lady % years old died,
and I was sent 10 prepare the remains
| for burial. The poor old soul was bent
with years until she was about the
shane of barrel hoop. She had been
| slowly crrvng over for the past 90
wears and | was in great study to
| know how to get her Strengthened. |
| finally accomplished II hv strapping
her firmly TO n board, but il required
all my strength. | went away and the
| friends and relatives of the deceased
/ gathered themselves around the her
that night TO hold an old fashioned
wake. Pipes and tobacco and whisky
were plentv rs we'll as other means Of
refreshms nts and good cheer and hv
midnight the company had succeeded
| i'm compleielv dro rninV their sorrow.
/ The whisky ran low and to compensate
1 for its loss those present began TO tell
enost stories. and everyone began 20
l feel n little nervous and shakv. In the
n1ids, Of breathless nause. after an un-
usually wild story Of ghosts and han
shoes there came loud report
| from the direction If the corpse
and 10 the horror and CONSERVATION
OF every one THE old lady bohhed up
\ not serenelv, hut violently. There she
sat. holt upright on the hoard shak ng
VIOLENTLY 10 and fro. with her gray hair
1 fivine all around her fsce, q spectacle
4 10 unnrfve the stoutest heart. Some
+ or he ronen tainted. bat the Others
went witt the mon through The doors
I and windows and down the celiarwsv.
anywhere to get out Of the room try the
strs gfiest r0ufe.
It was half an hour before snv n the
I men dared - 81 near enough to the
I house 20 look thiooeh the window.
! The Il lsdv sat there vet, hat she vas
I sc dad IA Julius Cesar AL the while.
/ One of her ersnas7ns csnle down the
next r1orniHe. called ne = tu7r1 np
/ VILLAIN ard neariy pounded the ife cot
of me a hs vert awsv he tod ne
4 that his Eve brothers were corriue -
! perform the sarne fiai duty I aui'
~ undertaking hos ness snd the tovr
before they arrived ard hsws never
! been hack.