The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-11-28
WIT AND HUMOR.

such foolish squabbieP--Ba6aio Er-
press.
There are two sides to every question
1.-The wrong side aud our side. = 7trre
Hdate Express.
The general run of women--when a
mouse comes In the room. = 1erre
Haate Express
Dubbs-.'rm tired of Iife.n Suuggs
well, why don't you stop your sub
scription. Jester.
How cau get rid of superiluous
hair MIR. Druggistpn .'Get married,
sir. ~ Boston Courier.
A man never becomes so homely that
he Is not handsome TO the woman he Is
good to. --Atchtson Globe.
A mans closest creditor wouldn't
recognize him in the average hired
bathing suit. Shoe Recorder.
1t Ia we'll to make the best of this
world. for you'll never get out OF II
alive, - Great harrington Netos.
There are times when a young man
eau make himself most interesting by
keeping still. -Netc Orleans Picdyane.
The FIRST week that man has n
telephone IN his office he Is apt 10 have
the yeller fever badly. Boston Bulletin.
Truth lies at the bottom OF an ink
well. This explains why the post
scripts contain all the facts. american
Grocer.
Stranger Gin Tombstone. Ariz. Ill
hear your bank has suspendedP" Res
ident-e'Yes; so is the President. ~
Racket
Bangle. Isn't Fangle a rattle-head-
ed felluwp" Cumso-"No. sir; there
isn't anything in Fangle's head to rat
tie. Life.
The rhetoric of conviets Is a3omin-
able; at all events they have great
aversion to finishing their sentences
Philadelphia Press.
What will IL Costa Rica vengeance
on San Salvadoran Il don't know, but
we've Guatemala, no matter what il
costs. .n-.dShldnd Press.
Some men credit themselves with the
good that Is In them and blame the
weakness of humanity for their short
comings. AtcAfsoa Globe.
Mrs. Fellows aJimpson's wife has
only one dress to her back Mr.. Eel
this evening, !. Herald
Citizen (agitatedly) )-''what. a wri,
for me? Why. God bless usi'' Consta-
Ale (stolidly) Non Wrong again.
Mandamns. n-AmericaR Grocer.
Lovers are slow about proposing this
summer. Owing 10 the high price OF
the commodity they hesitate about
breaking the ice.-Ttras Sylings.
First Well, sir. things are
going smoothly now. SIR" Captain
''Yes. that Is because several of the
sailors have been ironed. ~ Toronto
Globe.
Cumso 'Jaysmith is penurious.
isn't he2n Fangle-'-I should say he
was! He won't even laugh at a joke
unless it is at some one else's expense. y
Epoch.
1t has been discovered that the cash
boys were very lazy In the days of Job.
for he says. "All the day of my appoint
ed time will l wait ill my change
comes. Figaro.
Groom-'.A ring around the moon il
the sign of rain" Bride (sweetly)-
''And a ring around "A woman's finger
is the sign of--2n Groom (sadly1-
Reign. .'-Rdeket
Give me toboggan." he said to
the barman. What do YOU meanP''
"Why. whisky. of course. There's moth.
ing like it when a mans going down
hin TO make the descent lively " Phil.
ddelphtd Times.
1T is a dreary waste of sand, isn't
itP' said the grocer's wife as she and
her husband were walking along the
sea beach. Yes, II Is; dreadful waste
with sugar at eight cents a pound. ~
Washington Post.
He-"Man is the only animal thni
laughs. but it isn't necessary for you Il
laugh all the time" She-''Man i
also the only animal that smiles, but i
isn't necessary for you TO smile as offer
as You do. n-Bostoafdn.
Mrs. Sweet (who has her neighbor'
children in TO spend the day)-''An'
so Your mother Is all alonei Dear me
how she must be enjoying the quiet
| (Aside)-I will send my children owe
there tomorrow" Mttnsey's Weekly.
Photographer Ito lady before tn,
camera) = Look pleasant please.
Brute of Husband-"O ccme, now
art is all right in its place; why no
have a likeness look natural. il it's go
ing to be a likenessan-BostoD Truil
script.
Il see by the newspapers. remarke'
/ Mrs. Bunting. that a petrified jaw
two feet long has been found in Cali
fornia." why, you never told m
that your ancestors came from tina
part of the country" replied her hus
band.-Ffgaro.
Get upra exclaimed Miss Bunker
Hills cousin. But the horse did no
move. The animal does not seem t
comprehend. said Miss Hill. lie
me try "All right" Proceed
Bucephalus" And the animal proceed
ed. -Harpe7's Bazaar.
Housekeeper You needn't sto
here. We've got nothin' fer we. Break
fast was over an hour ago. Clear out
now" Tramp didn't expect n
breakfas' this time day. mum, / onl
hoped mebby I'd be in time for famil
prayers. ."-Good Nes0S.
Bank President (to cashier in jail)-
why didn't you 60 to Canada?
Cashier (haughtily) Because Iv
| got some pride about me and ! didn
/ wan 10 20 up tneIe WIN only go, w
and live on back street in a strang
city. - Washington Star.
Pater-''Weil, Adolph, whom di
your college men elect to represer
them at the conventionP" Adolph-
s'Twirler, sir Pater - "Twirler
Can he put things forciblyP" "Yo
beti He can pitch ball through
wire netting every time. Buriingto
Free Press.