Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-04-14

Inc eagle is dear TO the American
heart, but the double eagle is twice as
dear.
OF course, we are all poor worms of
the dust, but some have heap more of
the dirt than others.
One call will send a man to put out
fire, but it takes half a dozen calls to
make him get up and start one.
When a man is going down hill he finds
the attraction of gravitation and the en-
enlargement of the public great help
to him.
If a st. Louis woman receive $500 for
a hand smashed by a horse car, how
much should Chicago girl get for a foot
crushed by ferry
''Pa, what makes it rain so much?'' 81
don't know, Charlie, unless it is because
New York is under a cloud just now on
account of this Fair business
First man (excitedly) Our boarding
house is afire! Second man Calmly
Come, then, hurry up, and perhaps we
may be able to get something hot.
Mr.. Whitewings-Say, L hear you've
been calm me a fool. Uncle Pete-I
didn't call you fool. 1 amt no sech a
fool as ter say eberything thinks.
a little girl, feeling sharp pain in her
neck, was told that it was 'sstitch in
her neck" ''Why!' she exclaimed with
a terrified look, ''are our heads sewed on?"
Hicks-How are you, Wicks? Queer
weather we've been having. Wicks oh,
don't talk about the weather to me. 1
never was interested in variety saows.
Sufferer-Do you pull teeth without
pain? Dentist-Well, not always.
sprained my wrist last time 1 pulled
tooth, and it hurts me yet occasionally.
Tired child-Mamma, how much do
you put in the collection box? Mother
A quarter, dear. Why? Tired child
Well, this preacher gives an awful lot
for the money.
Elderly widower-Mrs. Little, 1 have
just one question to ask you. Will you
marry me? Elderly widow-Mr. Biggs,
L have just one question to ask you be-
fere l can answer. Do you snore?
You never hear a woman use the ex-
preston, Il haven't a cent in my pocket
She never trusts her money in her pocket.
She might never find it again. So she
carries it in her hand.
Little Alice-Did Solomon know more
than anybody who was ever in the world,
papa? Papa (thoughtfully) Well,
1 guess he knew more than anybody 1
ever met, except, perhaps, your sixteen
year-old brother Jack.
An artist once gave little supper at
his studio, and he put on his invitations
B. S c. V. The letters puzzled some
people, who found when they went to the
supper that they meant: Bring some
cold victuals."
Tommy, said a mother to her seventeen
years old boy, you must not interrupt me
when l am talking with ladies'. You must
wait till we stop, then you can talk. But
YOU never stop! retorted the boy.
well, Nose, 1 see yonr fondness for
chickens has got you into trouble again.
Why can't you eat something else?" The
cuIprit-''Deed, Mars Brown, 1 would
cheerfulIy, but how's a poo niger to
carry Il whole sheep of under his Jacket"
New Clerk notice some of these bar
rels of apples are marked Y and some Il.
Are they different kinds? Dealer = No;
same kind, but differently packed. Some
customers wanted barrel opened at the
bottom, and some at the top.
Doctor, my wife is very I'll and wants
to 20 abroad. Do you think it would be
safe TO take her to Europe this year? o,
yes! There is nothing like a plaster of
Paris to cure a sick woman who does not
know what ails her.
A gentleman in search of man to do
some work, met on his way a highly re-
spectacle lady, not so young as she once
was, AID asked her: "Can you tell where
can ind a MANI" ''No; / can not, she
replied, smiling. for have been looking
these twenty years for one myself
A pianist recently spent tie evening at
the house of lady. The company was
agreeable and be stayed somewhat late.
As he rose to take his departure the lady
said= PRAY don't go yet, Mr.. Jones; 1
want you to play something for me-" sob
YOU must excuse me tonight, It is so
very late, and should disturb the neigh
boPs. Never mind the neighbours" an
sWered the young lady quickly. "They
poisoned my dog yesterday"