The Lamar register., 1890-09-20
CURRENT Humor

Hes pessinlist Very wide y read
that's strange. A pessimist ought to
be very largely blzle. "-[Puck
A lady in this city who owns cat
that scratches great deal has g wen it
the descriptive name of -Ciaw ed. ~
Hartford Times.
The best cure for obesity is to, boz .rd
for the summer vt farm house WI ere
you will be treated like one of t,he iam-
ly.-lB Boston Gazette.
As Elsewhere.-i-eacLer-Whnl reg
ulates the supply Of liquor in } iaine?
Bright Boy (who reals the news papers,
The demand.-GPu,'k.
Jim-Jack, lend me fvep. please,
Jack-Certainly. Lend me ts fiver
last loaned you and you can lave it,
Boston Courier.
Intending Settler-Bu is rairie City
well watered? Kansan- Of course it is.
There amt no other water tn ere but well
water West Shore
Slightly Different-Min ls;er-Aro you
going to the church. miss ! Miss High
see-No. sir; I'm only n ember of tho
choir, sir.-[Yonkers State sman.
Little Johnny calls ne ighbor Jone,
Posterity. Johnny has scen recently
told that @posterity mes MS those who
come after us.-lBoston II anscript
The man best qualified to enjoy tha
honeymoon is the one who. had all the
romance kicked out of him before he
reached that period.-iAshl bland Press.
A Good Idea.-Serg eant-So you ara
in love with the cook at Mr.. Browns, ]
hear? Yes" but only on a weeks
trial till I see what sort of cook sha
is"
snodgrass-rd like TO pay that bill.
but can't Just now. You must give
me time. Creditor-I don't mind giving
you time, but you seem to want eternity.
Life.
Mendicant-Cant you give me few
pennies for my poor family at home.
sir? Merchant-No, no. man; don's
want TO buy any poor family.
Statesman.
Incongruity.-Mr Figg-what are you
thinking over so deeply, my deari Mrs.
Figg-I was just wondering whether to
cut of Tommy's curls or to make him
stop swearing.
Sufferer-Do you pull teeth without
pain? Dentist-Well. not always. l
sprained my wrist last time 1 pulled
tooth and it hurts me yet occasionally.
-tTexas Siftings
Gertie-What a shocking fright tina;
Alden girl isl Her costumes are out
! landish Florence - No wonder. She
dresses according to the fashion articles
in the Sunday newspapers.-lLife.
What nonsense this is going the rounds
Of the press, that such and such woman
has been the first 10 be admitted to ths
practice of the law in this cou htry.
| Haven't women, and particularly mar
| ried women. been laying down the law
to men for certuries?- LPhila6r iphia
| Times
John-I'm sorry / shall be ava Y so
long. Miss Janet, You don't know how
I hate to say good bye to you, but sup
pose the best of friends must part, you
know. Janet-Oh, yes, and what's the
use of people who are nothing to eas h
other growing sad over separatioue
That's the way look at it.
A-You see that fine house? Tie man
who owns it made all his money as
cab driver. BLOW did he manage to
do it? A-Easy enough. Ho made it a
rule to know the exact minute when tho
train left in which his passenger was
going. and reaching the station ut the
very last moment, the passenger could
not dispute with him, no matter what
he charged
You must push matters little.
James," said chemist to his new boy
by calling a customers attention to this
article and that article, you often effect
n sale" YES, sir. " responded thu new
boy, and then he hastened to wait upon
an elderly person who wanted stamp.
Anything else, num-" inquired the
ambitious boy politely; -hair dye. cos
Inetic, face powder, rheumatic drops,
relladonua, mole Destroyer" The
elderly lady deals over the way now.
..:.auuer, sara pretty girl to her
hashful beau. L wish you'd tie this rib
bon at my throat; can't see to do il
without a glass" "Of course; I'll 10
600 glad too. he said, and at once grap-
pied the strings. After an unsuccessful
effort of five minutes. during which ho
rot as red as 4 brick house and perspircd
like a pitcher of ice water on July
window sill, lie stammered: IL
don't think 1 can tie n respectable knot.
Miss Mary" Suppose, Philander,
she whispered, with pretty little blush,
suppose you call in clergyman to
assist Like the unveiling of a beauti.
full mystery, the situation unfolded il
self 10 Philander, and he fees bette;
now.