The Princeton union., 1890-11-20
ABACHELOR'SW SWOOING.
Making Queer Mistake, He Concludes
Not to Wed.

The hero of our sketch we will call
Jonas jerks. A natural feeling OF
sympathy forbids our using his real
name, and as he is an extremely SEN
sitive old gentleman, he might not
care to be made subject Of merri-
ment for our readers.
Jonas jerks was what all the world
would call a "clever fellow" but be-
yond that his good qualities were
few. He was looked upon with the
same feeling that you would regard
the stump of an old tree that neither
bore leaves to shade you in summer
nor fruit to pay for it's keeping
through the winter. He was
styled neither wise, useful nor
agreeable. He was not agreeable,
because he did not make him.
self entertaining to the ladies.
He was not useful for he never look
ed beyond his own immediate person.
al wants; and he showed great lack
OF wisdom in living forty years alone,
when he might have been blessed
with Goods best gift to man.
woman. He did not acquire wealth.
because it needed two heads like his
to make money and take care of it.
He was ever dropping his buttons in
the street, and spending money for
pins; he wore his stockings without
heels or toes, and ate from his un-
washed dishes day by day, all for the
want of a little energy to look around
for wife.
Still Jonas was a clever fellow, and
at that age even, his friend Otis
Barker, thought he would make an
excellent husband for his sister, who
was yet on the sunny side of thirty,
and still looking quite youthful.
Calling on the bachelor in his solita-
ry abode one morning, Otis found
him crouching over the stove and
looking dOWncast and sad.
''Jonas," said he, Il think I know
what ails you"
$What makes you think anything
ails me?' gruffly replied the bachelor.
because you are not lively and
happy. You are lonely, and want So
ciety. No one enjoys life without
some friends. In short you want q
wife; and my advice to you is to. get
married."
'Ah, that is very good advice, my
friend; hut have got along these
forty years without a wife, and I
guess 1shall have to finish out the
rest in the same way"
because you have been a fool
forty years is no reason why you
should be greater one for the next
forty, or as many as you may live,
which, think is quite likely to be
sixty"
''Hem!-well; (jesting aside) I do
believe if had taken wife twenty
years ago, should have been quite
as we'll off for it now; but who would
think Of marrying an old-fashioned
man with wrinkles on his cheeks of
forty winters?"
80, that is nothing against you.
There is many a smart damsel who
would jump at the chance of signing
herself Mrs Jenks.''
II don't want an old maid any
how! If ever do get wife, I will go
out Of the family for her. If could
cage some sprightly lass of eighteen
Or twenty. do not know but II might
be tempted. But this courting busi-
ness I know nothing about you see.
l could not think ofputting on a dick
ey every Sunday night and sitting
UP straight until midnight. No, no
That would be paying too dearly fo1
a thing in advance"
'Well, Jonas, I think on the whole
that you are too lazy to live, if the
truth was know said Otis, as he
turned on his heel to 90.
''You do, eh? Well, stop amoment
[ am up for bargain. Come. show
me one of those nice girls who you
seem to think so plenty"
''Go and find them for yourself, as
other men do. If you are pleased tc
visit my family, you will have the op
portunity of seeing great deal O
company. [ will introduce you tc
my sister for one, and she will in
troduce you to others, and
Enough. I will spend theevenine
with you this very nj ight.''
''Thank you. I shall be very glat
to see you"
The friends parted, and Jonas thicl
head was full Of new ideas through
out the day.
At six o'clock he stood before hi.
mirror-a triangular piece of broker
Iooking-glass-adjusting his dress fo1
the anticipated visit. He had al
ready tried on several dickies, hat
parted his hair in four different lines
besides having scraped nearly all TIN
enamel from his tobacco-stainet
teeth. and cutting his nails down tt
the "Guick.'. The "cut' of his gar
ments was rather old-fashioned, tt
be sure, but by letting his pant
down q little, and buttoning his Goa
in front to cover the vacancy tha
was lett between them and his yer,
short vest, he fancied himself quite