Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1890-01-10
OBSER VATTONS OF A RETIRED
TETER AN

no appeal other than that given them in
equity.
OBSER VA7TONS OF A RETIRED
VETERAN.
There are so many stupendous problems in
the theory of life engaging the mind of Phi
losopher, that he is apt to overlook some of the
solutions that may be, so to speak, right under
his nose. This 1 have eXemplifed in seeking
for the occult agency which has enabled We
man, from the earliest times, to be so masterful
in the home. 1t has suddenly come to me from
an unsearched direction-It is the art of in
Election l hold and maintain that the most
expert male gladiator in the field of dis
eussion will fall before this subtle weapon of
the other SEX. believe that by the mere pro-
nunciation of my own name by Mrs. Boyzy,
have been more utterly discounted than if
had encountered a giant in debate When
that lovely woman thinks the proper time
has come to say Mister Boyzy! my mind
is at once thrown into state of guilty
confusion. 1t conveys to me at one and
the same time the impression that l have
broken all the commandments of good
society; that have said something abso-
lutely disreputable; that l have made such an
exhibition of my mental state, as that only
unusual good fortune will keep me out of an
asylum for the insane or feeble minded or
that have done OF said something that will
imperil the good name of the Boyzy family
forever and ever. OF course male mind thus
distracted and demoralized falls an easy prey
to a woman, and before l can collect my
senses [ find that | have surrendered, and my
captor is with sweet magnanimity, forgiving
me for deeds l have never done OF words |
have never said.
Another infection is even more effective. 1t
is Mister BOYzy! This is one of the most
startling that falls from Mrs. B. IS lips. 1t
may be called an emergency infection, and is
calculated to inspire the widest alarm. Ad-
dressed to me at table in a wholly unexpected
moment it gives ME the impression that she
has just discovered arsenic in the roll am
about eating; that l am in the act of employing
the tea-pot's scalding contents on our youngest
girl; that the ceiling is about to fall or that
tramp has just protruded double-barrel
shotgun through the dining-room window
If, as sometimes do, 1 demonstrate against
this shock; she desires to know, for example,
if she could sit still and see me kill her chill
dren, by giving them strong coffee in place of
milk! This personal property in the children
is worthy of passing mention. have always
noticed that when they take school prize
| they are her children, and when they get into
a scrimmage and knock over the parlor lamp
they are mine.
There is an infection that may be mentioned
that is the most dangerous of all-its signif-
canoe consisting in the fact that it is no infec-
ton at all, but a warning pronunciation of my
name at a cold dead level. 1t is pregnant with
untold evil to come later on. 1t is oftenest
used when we spend evenings out, and heal
! from it on our way home. 1t has tone that
has no infection. l never hear it that l do not
think l have been Juggling ropes into com
pany whose ancestors have been hung; that
have been too ELUSIVE to some of the younger
ladies Of the company said something I'M
orthodox which may fasten on me a reputa-
ton for free-thinking or contravened some
social regulation, for which am soon to heal
the Indictment read. If, when the indictment is
read, put up the defense that 1 don'tagree with
her view, she simply gives the rising infec-
ton to you in "Y-0-u don't!" hazard moth.
ing in saying that no living man can put into
the pronunciation of that little word ..yeu;, the
contemptuouS amazement with which woman
can utter it. 1t puts man back to the begin
ming, and entails the necessity of his proving
who he is; what weight his opinions are emit
tied; and, finally, that he is in his right mind
Verify, the peculiarly feminine art of inflec,
ton is power.
But the wind is often tempered to the shorn
lamb. And the day sometimes comes in
which the lips that knew infection know it no
more. They are the days of influenza. The
French name for 1t has formed an irresistible
attraction for Mrs. Boyzy, and she has insist
ed on being attacked. [ am afraid l mended
matters very little by assuring her that la
grippe was simply the name for influenza ,as Ia
consumption was for consumption OF le rhun,sa-
| tss11e was for rheumatism, or as les c0rs meant
those troublesome things, corns. 1t was in
vain, it was the fashion, it had French name
and she would have it. Regardes vols mon aeg,
| she remarked, lapsing into the language of the
affection. l did. Aass6 mon ete37a1tnnent! l
regarded that also If she wanted the influ-
enza she should have it with all it foreign
trimmings. But it was death to the inflec-
| tons. No woman can be dignifed with a
nose in an active volcanic state, nor can any
woman say "Midder Boydy" with enough
OF infection to quell the legal owner of that
name. My spirits rise. l am on equal
terms with the enemy. Let us always re-
member that there is a silver lining to every
cloud, and that those things sent by Provi-
dence which we too often deem atflictions-have
their compenSations.
--~-
AS a man gets gray hairs he finds one of the
most irksome of stumbling blocks is the APP
peals he has for advice. They are traps
which would be harmless but for his own
vanity. The popular superstition that with
gray hairs are allied experience and sound
Judgment makes us old people the targets
| for shafts of inquirers on the most delicate of
subjects-the most brittle and dangerous to
handle-saoial obligations: And it is our inor-
dinate vanity in desiring to appear as all=wise
that betrays us into expressing opinions
| where angels would hold their breath. There
is no redeeming feature of this folly. Ii our
advice suits the advised, they take it and upon
our heads fall the unhappy consequences if
any ensue. If it does not suit them they flip
ar,tly say THAI that was the style when we We're
young, but it would never do now, At this