Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-05-12

Dead men tell no tales, but the ones
who write their obituaries often do.
If a rooster were as big as his crow, a
whole family could live on him for six
months.
The world seldom looks to see the kind
of tracks you left behind, provided you
only get there.
1t is not to be hoped that after having
had spring all winter we will have winter
all the spring.
The most unfair thing that happens to
women is that engagements are so short
and marriage so long.
When a man admires woman that can
argue, you can depend upon it that the
woman is some other mans wife.
1t is said that it takes three generations
to make a gentleman. The recipe fails
when the third generation is a girl
A Young girl in Clinton was badly burn
ed popping corn. This should teach girls
to let the Young men do all the popping.
''Hello, what's this? Barnum's ele
phant?" mo, you poor idiot; that's a
picture of my wife. 1 took it myself"
Squeers Why did you marry that Miss
Dovey? Not for her money, as she has
none. NickelbY-No; l took her at her
face value.
A Jersey writer believes that flies buzz
ing around the human. cOuntenance pro-
duce hay fever. This is a theory not to
be sneezed at.
Zone may smile and be villain still"
But there is no need of being frightened
over it. When villain is still he is all
right. Let him keep still.
Mr.. John L. Sullivan is proud. He
scorns engaging in prize fight for such
paltry sum as $4,000. Is not the be-
laborer worthy of his hire?
thou Gavest," very sweetly and effective
ly, but he said he was a newspaper man
and never took anything back.
Araminta-You put your arm around
my waist so gracefully, George. George
i have had lots of practice. 1 was
street car conductor five years.
The COMMISSION, keep quiet, will you?
If had known you were ever going to
make such a fool of yourself l would
never have let pa buy you for me.
Kind gentleman (picking up a boy)-
That was an awful hard fall, my young
man. Why didn't you cry? Small boy
didn't know anybody was looking.
Small bOy-Qooking intently at black
specimen of the colored race)-Did God
make you, too, of dust? Colored man
Yes, sonny. Small boy-Coal dust?
JUDICIAL the fools have not ceased to
practice as attorneys, L see. Lawyer
No, your honor, there are not judgeships
enough to provide for the whole of them.
Miss Alice-Well. Bridget. / suppose
you would give good deal if you could
play like that. Bridget would. miss,
but I'd give more if L could play better
Mrs. Gotham-This paper says mud
baths will cure rheumatism. Mr.. Goth
am-Nonsense I've fallen down in Broad
way half a dozen times, and it didn't do
a bit of good.
Subscribers coming in at the rate of
twenty day, wrote the editor of a coun-
try weekly; and the rival journal explain
ed that they were coming in to order their
paper discontinued.
The Parson-And you, Elvira, prom
Durstin- Hold on, there Just because
you are marrying US, you've got no call
to be so familiar. She is Miss Williams,
so far.
But said she, 20 her husband who
was criticising her toilet, what does a
man know about a woman's garments?"
The husband, in hollow voice: 1.-The
price, madam"
DR.. Smith-Your blood is impoverish-
ed. L shall have to prescribe some iron
for you. Mr.. Jones-Don't, doctor. NV
wife says l look ruStier than any other
man in town already.
Who was the author of the poem that
your son recited at the school exhibition,
Mr.. Parvenu? Well, his name is Laureate
the poet Laureate. Funny name isn't
It? | never heard it before
Its as hot as an oven in here, remark
ed the city editor as he threw off his coat to
90 to work. well, it ought to be-" re-
marked the fancy reporter. This is
where we make our daily bread"
See that you train this child in the
way lie should GO" began the minister at
the christening. Surround him with
the best of influences and-who knows
but that be may become Washington or
q Grant. What name, please?" Jennie"
responded the yonng mother demurely.