The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1890-08-30
SMITHS CONFESSION.
How he Carved Chicken under Difficult
ties.

Guess | am somewhat bashfuI, if not
more. Certainly had rather face a
wild Rocky Mountain grizzly than
strange woman any day. And when it
happens to be pretty young lady-oh,
dear Though l am nearly six feet long,
whenever l saw one approaching the
house my face begins to burn and my
spinal marrow TO grow freezing cold,
and l feel like rushing to my own room
and crawling under the bed.
My male friends often urge me to
"brace up" and tell me, as an induce
ment toward such a proceeding, that
"my mother was woman As it |
were to blame for that when | was not
even consulted in the matter!
How | ever got over my dittidence
enough TO fall in love with Laura Ball
dozer don't know. Perhaps it was
owing 10 the oft-repeated advice Ist
mentioned, and may be it was because
she and her mother developed sud
den ard strong interest in our family
and became frequent callers. But from
whatever cause it came about, it GER
tainlY happened and at last | actually
gained sufficient courage to stay in the
com while they were there, and ev~n
to talk little. And now | am coming
to my adventure with that diato ical
chicken.
Mrs. Bulldozer invited me 10 a
family dinner at her home on Christ
mas day, and in an cvd hour | accep
ted the invitation.
repented Of my rashress a thous-
and times before the fatal day came,
but, seeing no reas 'nablc way out of
the scrape and remembering L1ura's
love'y eyes, | went.
was much rel-ved by finding that
| was the only guest, but things were
uncomfortable enough for bashful
youth even then. the family Consisted
of Mrs. Bulldozer, who was widow.
and her three daughters, L1url, neat,
nice, nineteen, and the ebj-ct of M
eSpt clal admiratio' !, Alice, ,Agei fifteen
the wickedest piece OF sauce and sar
casm it was ever my misfortune 10 meet,
and Ella, the twelve-year old olive
branch, who was simply Peck's bad
boy in petticoa,s.
| will pass over all the preliminary
,ortures that | endured and hasten on
10 that chicken. 1t is enough to say
that al last, after undergoing indrscri-
bable torments, | found myself seated
at the table between Laura and the en-
fant terrible, with Mrs. BuiIdCzsr and
Alice opposite. Their, to my unspeak-
able horror, found that, as | was the
only gentleman prescott, | was expected
to do the horrors of the table and carve
the mammoth bird that was lying in
state on a huge platter in general way,
| that it must haye skeleton, and that
the parts Of it must necessarily ariiCu-
late somewhat, but beyond that | knew
just as much OF the physical structure
OF all angel.
All my feeble proteslatlons were use
less, however carye | must. A Carv.
ing knife as big and formidable looking
as pirates cuilass was thrust into my
unwilling hand, but l verify believe
that the Internal thing wouldn't cut but
ter. l began the attack while Mrs.
Bulldozer was gloNing in the chicFen's
really magnificent lropor ions, and
telling M that it was raised hy lack
smith of her acquaintance cut IN the
country. Aad jldging from the way it
cut up, he must have fed it on old
orse ma Is an iron scraps all its life.
l did rot have the slightest idea
wfere to begin, but l clutched my sa-
bre little tighter, and made a Jlb at
the hens breast bone with my fork.
Flop She rolled over and over like
a pickanniny in the watermelon season,
and the next instant was heels up on
top OF a loaf Of poundcake.
[ felt my face turn scarlet as | Ies-
cued her and put her back upon the
plate. Nor did recover my complex
ion any when Alice asked with preten-
dtd anxiety if had ever had the apo
plexy, and Ella jumped up and opened
the door and then brought me
palm-leaf ian.
"Girls laid Mrs. Bulldcz4r, in
reprovlng tone.
| began again but more gently.
Getting the hen safely harpooned, l
began to work away at one wing, but it
was of no use; only made a few
gashes across her ample stomach with
out finding any joint. Indeed, | don't
believe there was ole in her whole ana
tony. She skated around the platter
like sled in a toboggan chute. She
couldn't have gone easier if she had
wheels on bow and stern. My face grew
so screening hot that the temperature
in the room rose ten degrees in less
than five minutes.
"Excuse me If | put on my vail so l
won t tan" said Alice, innocently, while
Ella inquired if she shouldn't bring the
axe and saw from the Wo)d shed.
"Girls," commenced Mrs. Bulldozed
again, and then stopped and began
to cough while even Laura put her
handkerchlefto her face aud locked out
out the window.
l finally succeeded in hewing round
piece of skin off from the chickens side
and gave it to Mrs. Buldozer. But the
dreadful Ella was watching me, andtired
out with good deal of interest:
Goa Mr.. Smith, did you ever scalp
an Indian?"