davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
IN THE MEAT MARKET.
oid Friends Meet by Accident and Indulge
In Lively Discussion.

In Lively Discussion.
TELL me-" said the Spring Chicken to
the Sausage, sis that legend fastened to
you correct? Are you really genuine
Country Sausage?"
20 yes" answered the Sausage, "the
butcher isnot fooling his trade in my
case. was brought up in the country"
Indeed! Were you always known as
Sausage in your former home?"
80 no; was called Fido there"
'Fido! Did you come from Long
lsland?"
''Yes, from the Ketcham Hawkins
Griffin farm, west of Aguebogue."
SWELL, we'll, we'll! So you are old
fido. And you don't know me. was
born on that farm the same spring that
you were"
81 believe you are old Mrs. Peck" "
said the Sausage, looking closely at the
Spring Chicken, ''and how are you now
Mrs. Peck?"
''To tell the truth I'm feeling tough.
But how are you?"
"Fine," replied the Sausage, but I've
been good deal cut up of late-more
than any one would think"
1--WE been through the mill myself"
remarked the Mincemeat. "Hello," he
added, there's that Bob Veal over there. :"
81 overheard that remark" cried the
Shoulder of Veal drawing his blade.
''and it was an insult"
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cutr' said the
Sp ing Chicken.
'I'm going to cut" said the Veal, now
thoroughly aroused.
"See here!' called out the Bologna
Sausage, "you put up that blade and
keep quiet. You couldn't lick your owp
chops"
"The Bologna's awfully strong" whis.
pered the Headcheese to the Kidney,
trembling slightly.
"Well," replied the Kidney, "he's
stopped the Veals buster, and I must
say it's the first time | ever saw calf
Cowed."
"There's one thing about the Veal"
remarded the Ham, hes good liver"
81 know he has," answered the Lamb,
"but really don't think he's as well
dressed as am"
Hello Ham!" called out the Side of
Bacon, 81 thought l recognized your
voice"
"How d'do Bacon! Glad to see you
Smoke"
mo, thanks. used to smoke, but
smoked to excess and that cured me.
Ill drink Unougn II you nave f." ilUVle
hook about you"
"Who said drink" cried d voice from
jhe corner.
"Ah, that's that Beef said the Ham,
hes hard case, corned all the time"
just at this moment the butcher
opened up the shop and cut further re-
marks short with a meat aXe.-MorriS
Waite, in Time.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
FULL OF FUN.

"A Massachusetts artisan has become
so refined in his ideas that he calls him
self black-smythe. Tray
eler.
Mrs. Wickwire-"Oh, this is toe
bad. Mother writes me that Aunt Ann'f
mind is entirely gone Mr.. Wickmire
II am not surprised to hear it. She
was always giving someone or other
piece Of it."-Terre Haute Express.
Bad boy getting in body blow
''There, take that Good Boy folding
his arms with a sanity eXpression)-
mo, Tommy, will not hit you ba * be-
cause promised mother that l would
never strike playmate, but (1icking
him in the stomachl, how do you like
that?'-Life.
-Friend-''Well, Nose, ! see your
fondness for chickens has got you into
trouble again. Why cant youeat some
thing else?" The Culprit- Decd,
Mars Brown, I would, checrfully; but
hows a poo niger to carry a whole
sheep off under his jacket? Does der
law require imposserbilitics?'-TeXas
Siftings.
Can you use these poems?' he
asked, as he laid large roll timidIy on
the table. ''Why, certainly,' said the
editor, checrily. 'Just the rightlength
for pipe-lighters. Most all the poems
we get are on note paper, and they're
very inconvcnicnt. Call again. -
brakes Magazine.
"A Poetical Pair.-Selby-'What
charming couple Mr.. and Mrs. Dollboy
are" Parker-"Yes; butI should hard
ly call them a couple-they are so small,
you know" Selby-'What would you
call them, then?" Parkcr-"Why a
couplet, of course. ."-Burlington Free
Press.
Salesman (at plush-ware COunter)-
"a Christmas present for your wife, eh?
Well, how would this handsome mani
cure set do? She ought to feel pleased
with that and I'm sure it would make Il
beautiful ornament for her boudoir'
Possible Purchaser-"You are sure?'
Salesman-"Yes, Sir" Possible Pur-
chaser--"Woll, you are wrong; She has
no b0udOlr. Judge
To Remove Wart; Rub it with a
piece of silver taken from calf that
was killed in the dark of moon, at the
same time repeating the alphabet back
ward. Then with pearl-handled knife
that has never been used before, cut
carefully around the root Of the wart,
seize the excresence itself firmly with a
.,''sr "a gVoira nlPlrrI'' ''i.e' -
Chicago Tribune.
Are you going to hang up your
stocking this year," asked one young
man of another. mo: am not was
the short, sharp reply, "WelL you
needn't be so cranky about it, was the
answer. "Wcll, have good reason to
be cranky" was the answer. To ask
a man WHO hung up his oyorcoat last
summer 10 hang up his stocking isl pos
tive insult. | don't like the word at
all. DO you think am going barefoot
ndp"-F,lmira Gazette
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
The Weight of Drops.

Boymond has lately published an in
tercsting article on the weight of drops.
1t is well known that the weight de-
pends upon the exterior diameter of the
dropping tube, the interior diameter
having no influence except on the
velocity of the flow. The nature Of the
LIQUID determines the weight, whatever
may be the proportion of the dissolved
material it may contain. Boymond used
a dropper of one-eighth of an inch
diameter, and determined the weight by
a very delicate balance. The mean Of
his results gave: For Is grains OF
distilled water, 20 drops; alcohol of 80
deg, - drops; alcoholic tinctures from
so to 90 deg, So to 81 drops; ethereal
tincture, 50 drops; fatty oils, about AS
drops; violate oils, 80 drops; aqueous
solutions, whether diluted or saturated,
20 drops; wine, SO to 55 drops, and
la ,danum, about SO to 25 drops. s.-SCience.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
--.-------.-----------=
A DANGEROUS FLUID.
Gasoline Said to BE Feared as Much as
Glycernc.

,,,, Si1+ po ro,-od, ,s uuch as
'''''''''' Nitro Glycerinc.
Evcrv man who has can of gasoline
stored in his home or Dlacp of business
has an article ouito "a dangerous a.
ritro-r1vcarine and more than equal to
run-nowdcr in itsexnlosiyc nature. The
nso of This amid for burning as an illum-
inant is daiIv increasing. tho yearly
cnnsur,n+ion at the present time being
in oxcoss Of one million gallons. To its
mao there is no confncmcnt. 1t is
L,,,,od IN 1or,ns indoors os we'll as ont.
I'D f,r,isboe funl for Thousands OF
atoros rood in nriva+o families,
Tbo danror of handling gasoline.
,,l,ih ;s ro,1lv nonh+ha in its most
naIo+i,o TOWN, los in the fact that it
or,i+s IN ovn1osivc Gas which fires at
~. l,,di,,or,, to,,,,,ora furo of tbn atmos.
sl,a,,a o',,d Soo,,,s +o bovn attraction for
o.. e"s .a,and ,.hicb il Foa4s in
,ll.' ,', ,,,os,, Tn+il in con+octwitb
ii''-io7 u. l,nNO' 49,, a,,,1asfon +okns nIoco
~ ~ LEX +I,o o1d;,ior
lt"HS "'"l,l ,bansa1ts onJ otbor cham.
;aoI - w., tho,, ro dostroyod tho pvnIosjvo
wa, Wv ,t ,ocaIino hu+ scion+ffr and
g'.t I""a,.S ir,,os+iro+ion nrovos otherwise.
"a w. Innro.ir va ,,owcrs Of roso-
w. IA omotbar dar@er +o its nsn in
ilHo inin+od % or soIderod nincs It has frc.
y,nntI,, yy,notI hoon Lnown to cat its way
.hal,,rS I"~mYIy +'hos oansinr 7eal, and sub
'lllons a,,,1a,ion 0no or tho tbourhts
S'q u1Iy - p1U W. ,o[ 70 ,os+ ircrooso in
!Il"v il's' pioGi', J., th,ti+ cboan OFT.
i'' OoIiS1'" S aan;r,ants WV, hayo don,on.
ltpr"( ltd" taJ tnot tbe economical feature of il
S'i 'C,.l ,a,,,l;ar '-i", r,,o 1an,ns of +ho Same
!? -" uIlralU L'nno" b,Io hann ,,1aced side hv
'idC 'ido ono containing three quarts Of
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
AN EXCLUSIVE DIPLOMAT.
How China's Minister Keeps Himself Alooi
from the Social World.

from the Social World.
The present Chinese Minister is very
exclusive in his habits. His predecessor
was one of the most agreeable and pop
ular men in society, and was always to
be seen wherever any thing interesting
was going on, and all the attaches of the
Legation also took an active part in the
gayeties of Washington. The present
Minister, Mr.. Hen, not only does not
propose to indulge in social festivities
himself, buthas prohibited the attaches
of the legation from doing so, which
deprives Washington society of some of
its most attractive ornaments. Mr.. Hen
is the first Chinese Minister to the United
States to bring his wife with him, but
he might as well have left her at home
SO far as the outside world is concerned,
for she, it is understood, will remain a
recluse.
A prominent gentleman and lady in
this city, who lived some time in China
and have been very intimate at the le-
CATION ever since it was established
here, called upon the Minister and his
wife the other afternoon, having first
given notice of their intention to do so.
The Minister received them very cor
daily in the parlor upon their arrival
and sent servant for his wife, who
came down wearing coronet OF gold
and diamonds. She is little woman,
no bigger than a child of ten years, and
her feet are so small that she could
scarcely walk across the room. she
chatted pleasantly, however, through an
interpreter, and as the caller was the
first American lady she had ever come
In contact with she had great many
curious questions to ask about the man
ners and customs of women in this
country.
A few days later the call was returned
with great ceremony, and then followed
an invitation to dinner. The Minister
accepted for himself, but sent his Wl1es
regrets, with an explanation that, as
she had never dined except in the CHI
nese fashion, she desired to be excused
She was informed that there would
no other guests, but held to her refusal
and sent as a peace offering hand
somely carved chest filed with the rich,
est silks, which will form a portion OF
the trousseau of the young lady OF the
family, who is soon to be married. Inc
minister came to the dinner, but not De-
ing used to the knives and forks Ut Tue
table found much difficulty in eating
About all tho poor man could get lnV
his mouth was bread and olives 1hlca'
60 News
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
FOND OF NONSENSE.
"'e"e Men Who We're In the Habit ofDo.
Ing Ludicrous Things.

"Boys, be wise, here comes foo,,r
exclaimed a great theologian. ceasinp
70 amuse himself by jumping over
chalrs and tables, as he saw a solemn.
Pedantic friend approaching. "You
dont know the luxury of PLAYING the
iool'" said Lord Chancellor Elden, as he
danced IN his own drawing-room to
tune OF his own singing. "You are a
rather, Slgnor Ambassador, and so we will
nnish our ride" said Henry ". of
France, when the Spanish Minister dis
covered him riding round the room on o
stick with his son.
Dugald Stewart, the philosopher, was
once found by a friend, trying to bal.
ance peacock's feather on his nose
his competitor in this contest of skill
was Patrick Fraser Tytler, the histo,
rian
Dean Swift used to amuse himself by
harnessing his servants with cords, and
driving them up and down stairs, and
through the rooms of the deanery.
Faraday played marbles and ball with
little boys, and took part in charades,
playing once the Learned pig"
William Pitt delighted to romp with
children. He was once playing with his
niece and nephews, who were trying to
blacken his face with burnt cork. A
servant announced that two members of
the Cabinet desired to see him on bust
ness. Let them wait in the other
room" said Pitt, catching up cushion
and belaboring the girl and boys. They
got him down, and were actually daub-
ing his face, when he said: "Stop; this
will do. could beat you all, but we
must not keep these grandees waiting
longer"
A basin of water and towel were
brought in, and the great Prime Minis
ter washed his face, hid the basin and
then received the two lords.
Doctor Battle, an eminent London
physician, used to amuse himself by
gazing at the Punch and Judy show. He
was such successful mimic of Punch"
that he once saved patients life by
initiating that character.
The patient was suffering from
swelling in the throat and the doctor,
turning his wig, appeared at the bed
side with the face and voice of Punch"
The sick man laughed SO heartily that
the swelling broke, and a complete cure
followed. Man is the only animal who
can laugh; he, therefore, relishes lit
tie nonsense. Youth's Comnanion
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
DISGRACEFUL RITES.
Tho CHASTITY Levity That Prevails at an
English Funeral.


1t has been asserted with tedious
iteration that the English people take
their pleasures sadly. No one will deny
the truth of the Indictment, but it is
seldom urged that in revenge we take
our sadnesscs pleasantly. Neverthc-
less an English funeral is frequently a
merry-making, jovial excuse for dance
and song and the passing of the flowing
bowl. To go to funeral is with some
Of us equivalent to going out for fos-
tive holiday.
Let any one who is anxious to study
the manners and customs of the English
mourners spend an afternoon--Mcnday
afternoon for choice-in the neighbor-
hood of public-hOuse near cemetery.
I'll warrant me he'll come away with all
his preconceived notions of going to
funeral" knocked into the Cockedest OF
cooked hats.
The other day it was my good-or evil
fortune to have an hour to spare in a
northern suburb of London. | had
driven some distance, and l wanted to
give my horse a rest; and so l put up
for an hour, and then wandered away
to public-house in the neighbor-
hood, to which / was attracted by the
large number of empty hearses and
mourning coaches drawn up in pictur-
esoue confusion around it. Outside the
undertakers' men were chatting to-
gether, with their hands in their
pockets, and were smoking short clays
ard passing the pewter along. Inside
the bar was crowded with men and
women dressed in deep mourning. |
explored the house, and found mourners
in the coffee-roOm, mourners IN the
smoke-room-it as case OF mourners,
mourners everywhere, and-1 can't
finish the quotation, for there certainly
was drop to drink. The mourners in
the coffee-room were more subdued than
the mourners in the bar, but they were
merry. Here was widow who had just
left the dear departed "up the road"
smiling at story which another lady
mourner was telling about "Old Jones'"
There was young man with black
band up to the top of his hat coaxing
girl mourner to have another whisky
I looked round the room for the tears,
and saw but few. One or two eyes were
red, but smiles were in the ascendant,
and altogether the various mourAers be-
longing to the hearses outside seemed
dispused to have pleasant hour at the
pub" before they went home. e.-London
Referee.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
THE UNTAMED CHUDDA.
How a Dry-GoOds Clerk Earned Twcnt
Cent Advance In Salary.

How a Dry-GoOds Clerk Earned Twenty
Cent Advance In Salary.
NO" said the old lady from Smiths
Landing, as she sat wistfully chewing
the knob of her parasol before the coun-
ter at O'Briens, II rally can't afford it.
It's prezactly what Mariah Ann tole me
to git-that air chudda cloth-but |
can't go over sixty cents a yard, nohow."
Its as cheap as dirt, ma'am, for
chudda CLOTH" said the pcrspiring clerk.
Have you ever considered the enOr-
nous expense necessary to produce this
material"
"Wall, no; can't say Il ever tiggercd
onter it."
"Well, ma'am, in the first place it
takes six men fourteen days to catch
chudda. They are getting terribly
scarce now"
Are, eh?"
"Yes, ma'am, and it's awfully dan.
gerous, too. You see, the old buck
chuddas-the hair of the female isn't
long enough-are awful cunning Great
ures. As soon as they see the hunters
are after em they take to their holes
and don't come out for two weeks at
time
"The poor critters"
"Fact, ma'am. Of course. all that
time the hunters have to keep still, lay
low and say nothing. They just camp
right there and take turns holding
slip-noose over the hole, waiting for the
chudda to get hungry and stick his head
out"
"And does hep"
"That's just it. Sometimes he does
and sometimes he doesn't That's what
makes it so expensive-the men are
drawing salary all this time, you know.
Of course, if he does, that settles it.
They just get the rope round his neck
and yank him out in no time. If the
animal weighs over 5000 pounds, of
course one of em has to sorter tunnel
under him and cut away his toe-holds."
Laws mercy"
"But half the time, you see, the
chudda does not stick his head out. He
backs out some night when there is no
moon, and the man on watch gets his
moose over the animals tail instead.
The chudda waits until all the gang get
good grip, and then he starts in again
and pulls the entire delegation plum
over the cliff--wipes out the whole
crowd. That makes the expense fright.
full, don't you see?"
Goodness gracious! Ihadn't tho idee,'
gasped the old lady. Il guess you kin
wrop me up ten yards, young man. and
she trotted off, while the floorwalkeI
fell on the salesman's breast and wept,
while the proprietor raised his salary
twenty cents on the spct.-San Francisco
Wasp.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
uooeRN JOURNALIST.

., IN mathematics, had taste foI
uP P,atics. and could talk about as
IU, '@~ from Aristarchus down;
nVh! m what kind of beans were de
lrsd " HT by the Chaldeans, and he knew the
Of every joke made by circus
mn
...od in evolution and would in.
:" , tho moor Russian as type of des-
y, am in the modern age of man;
a Az write ri page of matter on the DIFF
tirds q, batter used In making
y 'simcracks on the modern cooking
| IA ,ovel in statistics, he was well up
~ sstcs, knew the pedigree of horses
,0r way back from the ark.
vde his tips were quoted, and his
holl stuff was noted. In political
fSctloDs he would always hit the
|k
Ln write upon the tariff. and he didn't
I'M IN care if he called off to review a
N or write poem or two;
[Iboil down stuff and edit, knew the
["s of credit, and could hustle with
telegraph in style exceled by few.
butcll Just how fire should be han
N as a liar he was sure to exercise a
n discriminative taste.
mild and yet undaunted, and no
Mar what was wanted he was always
l to get it first, yet never was in
he.
mite his reputation as q brainy aggre-
Ion he was known to be deficient in a
nner to provoke.
matter when you met him he would
row II you let him, and he seemed to
% the faculty Of always being broke.
Tom Mason, in Journalist.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
the family were won't to laugh had

the family were wont to ,auch b,d
made her girlhood miserable.
The one love affair ever had. tba,
meant any thing to me-" She said. "he
leased me about so numerically IL At I
let 1t all go, rather than endure his mt
ting ridicule. II had been older and
wiser might have stood up agains, il,
out was timid and gentle, and | simply
could not nerve myself for the ordeal ):
Almost any mother of family will
TESTIFY that she detected in babyhood
the signs of the "born tease"-for there
Is such character, in more or less
hold. '
One mother tells the following anus.
ing story of her first positive knowledge
OF the presence of the "born tease" in
her own household.
LA little boy of three or four had been
put to sleep in crib beside the bed in
which lay his little brother of eighteen
months, who was just learning to put
words together They had been by
themselves in the dark for about fifteen
minutes, when the mother, passing the
door softly, overheard the following
conversation:
Baby: PUSSY go water, Tarly?"
Charlie: 'No; pussies don't 90 in the
water much. They like to lie under the
stove"
Baby: pussy go water, Tarly?"
Charlie: 81 just told you pussies don't
60 in the water much. Go to sleep"
Baby: PUSSY 90 water Tarly?"
Charlie: ''I've told YOU two times, Go
to sleep or I'll call mamma"
Baby: Doggy 20 water, Tarlvp"
Charlie: "Not much: about the same
as kitties. Go to sleenn
Baby: "Fishv 70 water, Tarlv?"
Charlie: "Oh, yes: all the time Nov
90 to sleep."
Baby Gmperturbablv. and having ex.
hausted his limited knowledpe Of the
names of anima1s). upussv ro vator
Tarlv?"
Charlie (now thorouphlv angrv\. 81
have told Won and told Won and told Won
and now if Won saw another word ri
shout (shoot) your head offm
Here the mother interfered and
though she laughed when she thouoht
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
Jtaly's Sensible Queen.

The Queen of Italy once tried to write
a novel. Itwas enthusiastically praised
bv ihe Court ladies when one day she
read them few chapters. She was
bright enough to wish less partial
test, so she sent it under an assumed name
to a leading publisher, who politely de-
clined to accept it. The publisher was
much ohagrined when the affair came
out, and on the story being paragraphed
in the London newspapers, three En-
glish houses telegraphed to the Queen
asking for the book, but she senslbly
thinks best to abide by the decision
riyen when no r>yal name protected
the child of her infancy. Chicago
Inter Ocean.
DeSoto times. (Hernando, Miss.) 1879-1898, 1890-01-30
BORN TEASE"
" Wise Words on an All-Im-
portant Topic.
children Who Manifest Disposi-
|to Tease Should BE Promptly and
saeetually Broken of a Habit SO
|Dsag greeabIe and Disastrous.

ant to be an angel" sang out a
little voice.
Up Elsie, stop! | tell you STOP
he irritable tones Of little Elsie's
ar-old invalid brother Chester.
ID with the angels stand" proceed
De Elsie; "a crown upon my"
bp that! Mamma, sha'n't she stop
The poor boy, who was suffering
nerye-trylng, incurable disease,
he was able to play about most
time, was evidently enduring real
from his little sisters noise.
#mOther, who was entertaining a
looked around in an annoyed
Rnd said, sharply: "Elsie, stop
B your brother! Chester, don't
ESuCh fuss over trifle!"
, she went on talking with her
who was acutely disturbed by
fg the little girl continue to tor
Per brother by singing first one
|and then another which he did not
70 hear She selected, with a ma
sort of sarcasm, the sweetest and
Innocent Sunday-school hymns
h were, indeed, her chief resource),
|ntensifying, to the tortured lady
Fas calling, the naughtiness of her
\ Chester tried to catch her and
er by force; but Miss Elsie was
llck and agile for him, and shouted
u little hymns always just beyond
ach. This so incensed him finally
70 threw stone at her, and sent
to the house sobbing,
darling!' cried the mother.
ter you great, naughty boy, how
you do such a brutal thing to your
sister! Sit there, sir, and do not
Il dinner time. Run out, Elsie,
Ii cook to put vinegar and brown
on the place"
ont care" muttered Chester, sui
u shut her up anyhow. She'll
me crazy with her singing. She
lever get it right. / don't mind
punished now that she's got to
TILL"
mt you afraid" suggested the
timidly, as she took her de-
;, that Elsie will really iniure
n lie is very delicate, and
ear her plaguing him."
'cy! fancy you dow returned the
) lightly. "That child is a born
She torments Chester from morn
night, and l can't help it. He
We to get used to it."
p III" cried the visitor to herself,
aiming cheeks, as she took her
Dlneward. 81 would not allow
VI, slckly boy to be made wretch
mat for all the gold in India.
,ay can be devised to prevent it."
could do nothing; and Miss Elsie
ABLY teasing Chester to this day,
cry body else who crosses her
!, len She is in teasing mood.
visitor was right. Such scenes
prevented; and no mother who
Oorn tease" in her family should
moment about curbing, and, if
. stamping out wholly, this
degrading desire which some
thers.
mamma said little boy, when
id'e suggested that his mamma
ofget or let something 60 ''this
never skips time"
!, : ~ rra'ing the tease, never 'tskip
leach him or her that no such
Niilinlly VIII, making others uncom-
VIII be tolerated in your family
moment. Deprive the child first
small pleasure. If thatdoes not
) try more severe method, but
:, 80 aisagreeable for him that he
siaa TO stop soon. Oh, the weak
lnoOhers! What awful sorrow, in
y as well as rasping minor trials,
~ prevented by q little more
) with childrerl
uah testified to me with streams
-, That her brother, a "born
" whose jokes at her expense