Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-10-25
NOODLES ATTENDS A FUNERAL.
Unluckily 1t Is the Wrong One and Con-
siderable Annoyance Arises.

Ia DON'T THINK ever had more sur
al prising experience" said Noodles at the
q Platypus Club last night, "than befel me
XsH day before yesterday, when it was my
misfortune to attend the wrong funeral. You'll
remember told you fellows something Of a
small legacy was to receive from rather
distant re!ative-an ancient maiden cousin in
Philadelphia whom had never seen. On &C
count OF it felt it my duty to go on to attend
the burial with an appropriate weeper on my
hat.
Services were to be held at the church, and
l got there from the train, which was belated,
after the ceremony had begun. No one took
any notice Of me, however, and saw no one
present that knew. When the closed casket
had been put on the hearse I got into one of
the carriages provided for the mourners who
wished to follow it to the grave yard. My only
companion in the vehicle, as 1t rumbled slowly
along over the cobble stones toward Laurel
Hill, was a ruddy-faced old gentleman with a
wart on his nose and fringe of white whiskers
all around his courtensnce.
"'Relgtlve of the corpseY he said, interroga-
lively, pointing with his thumb over his shout
der In the direction of the hearse.
" Somewhat remotely l replied
"Queer old duck, the defunct,' added the
Indeed" l responded rather astonished
for the remark struck me AS irreverent and
though l had often heard young ladies called
ducks, had never known the term applied to
an aged spinster. However, L said some thing
to the effect that l had heard the trouble was
liver complaint.
RATS exclaimed the old gentleman some
what vul2arly, thought. Call it whisky and
you will strike it nearer
You don't tell me sou replied. quite
shocked. dissipation was the last thing l
should have imagined
Dissipation is mild word for it, nv dear
sir, said the old gentleman, giving me q poke
in the stomach with the gold head of his cane
for the sake of emphasis. Such continuous
cumming as was INDUCED in by the defunct
ton
81 cannot express to you my amazement at
such information. l rejoIned Such a model
OF austere virtue 1 have always heard my
relative to be! 1t is really too painful
"'Haw, haw" guffawed the old gentleman,
again, somewhat vulgarly, poking me once
more in the stomach with the head of his stick.
'Austere virtue is too good! l shall certainly
die of this Ho, no, ho!'
''He did look as if he were in imminent
danger of an attack of apoplexy; but finally
he Gained down and got the tears wiped out of
his eyes, remarking with final snort and snig-
ger that tears were appropriate at a funeral.
AS for myself was too disturbed and aston
lshed by what had just learned to care to
pursue the conversation further. When the
grave In the cemetery was reached dismounted
with the rest of the mourners and stood by, hat
in hand, while the coffin was opened for last
look at the deceased. You can imagine nv
amazement when l saw that my late maiden
relative had large black whiskers.
1.-The situation dawned upon me at once-I
was attending the wrong funeral.
$50 taken by surprise was that actually
staggered back step or two and one or two
people grabbed me, saying: Poor fellow! He's
overcome with grief. Lookout or he'll faint
Nevertheless, recovered myself aud, with.
out offering any explanation awaited the con-
clusion of the prayer and the final interment.
l had the carriage to myself on the way back
the old gentleman with the wart on his nose
having doubtless joined some friends in an
other vehicle, and it did not take me long to
discover the cause of my mistake. glance at
the funeral notice showed me that I had struck
the right church. but that had got the time
for the services an hour wrong. My funeral
was at IL o'clock, whereas the ceremony had
hit upon began at II and was for somebody
else. Unfortunately have already learned Of
certain structures that have been made upon
my ill-breeding in neglectng to attend the
burial of the kind and good old lady in Phila-
delphia and expect to have some difficulty in
explaining the matter away"