Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1890-10-17
UNCLE PoDGER HhNGs A PICTURE.
Tie Proves Conclusively That 1t Was I'm
necessary to Cllt in n Man.


down house il all you, life as wien my
Uncle Podger undertook to do Job. A
picture would have come home from the
framemaker's and be standing in the din
ing room waiting to be put up, and Aunt
Podger would ask what was to be done
with it, and Uncle Podger would say:
"Oh, you leave that to me. Don't you,
any of you, worry yourselves about that
I'll do all that"
And then he would take off his coat and
begin. He would send the girl out for
sixpen orth of nails, and then one of the
boys after her to tell her what size to get,
and from that he would gradually work
down, and start the whole house.
"Now you go and get me my hammer,
WILL" he would shout; land you bring me
the rule, Tom; and | shall want the step
ladder, and | had better have kitchen
chair, too; and Jim you run round to Mr..
Goggles, and tell him, PAS kind regards,
and hopes his legs better and will he lend
him his spirit level2' And don't you go,
Maria because | shall want somebody to
hold me the light; and when the girl comes
back she must go out again for bit of
picture cord and Tom--where's Tom?-
Tom, you come here; shall want you to
hand me up the picture"
And then he would lift up the picture
and drop it, and it would come out of the
frame, and he would try to save the glass
and cut himself; and then he would spring
round the room looking for his handker-
chief. He could not find his handkerchief,
because it was in the pocket of the coat he
had taken off, and he did not know where
he had put the coat, and all the house had
to leave off looking for his tools and start
looking for his coat, while he would dance
around and hinder them.
Doesn't anybody in the whole house
know where my coat is? I never came
across such a set in all my life-upon my
word | didn't. Six of you-and you can't
find coat that put down not five min
utes ago! Well. of all the
Then he'd get up, and find that he had
been sitting on it, and would call out:
"Oh, you can give it upl I've found it
myself now. Might just as well ask the
cat to find anything as expect you people
to find it,"
And when half an hour had been spent
in tying up his finger, and a new glass had
been got, and the tools, and the ladder,
and the chair, and the candle had been
brought he would have another go, the
whole family, including the girl and the
charwoman, standing round in a semi-cir-
to hold the chair and third would help
him up on it, and hold him there, and
fourth would hand him nail, and fifth
would pass him up the hammer, and he
would take hold of the nail and drop it.
"Therep he would say in an injured
tone; nov the nails gone"
And we would all have to go down on
our knees and grovel for 1t. while he would
stand on the chair and grunt, and want to
know if he was to be kept there all the
evening
The nail would be found at last. and by
that time he would have lost the hammer
where's the hammer? What did do
with the hammer? Great heavens. Seven
of you gaping round there and you don't
know what did with the hammer
We would find the hammer for him. and
then he would have lost sight of the mark
he had made on the wall where the nail
was to 90 in, and each of us had to get up
on chair beside him, and see if we could
find it,; and we would each discover it in
different place and he would call us all
fools, one after another, and tell us to get
down. And he would take the rule and
remeasure, and find that he wanted half
of 3l% inches from the corner and would
try to do it in his head and 90 mad.
And we would all try to do it in our
heads, and all arrive at different results,
and sheer at one another. And in the gen.
eral row the original number would be
forgotten and Uncle Podger would have
to measure it again.
He would use a bit of string this time,
and at the critical moment when the old
fool was leaning over the chair at an angle
of As dogs, and trying to reach point
three inches beyond what was pos
sible for him to reach, the string would
slip, and down he would slide onto the
piano, really fine musical effect being
produced by the suddenness with which
his head and body struck all the notes at
the same time.
And Aunt Maria would say that she
would not allow the children to stand
around and hear such language.
At last Uncle Podger would get the spot
fixed again, and put the point of the nail
on it with his left hand and take the ham
mer in his right hand. And with the first
blow he would smash his thumb and drop
the hammer with a yell on somebody's
toes.
Aunt Maria would mildly observe that
next time Uncle Podger was going to ham
mer a nail in the wall she hoped he'd let
her know in time, SO that she could make
arrangements to 90 and spend week with
her mother while it was being done.
sob, you women; you make such a fuss
over everything" Uncle Podger would re-
ply, picking himself up. "Why, like do
ing little job of this sort"
And then he would have another try,
and at the second blow the nail would 20
clean through the plaster, and half the
hammer after it, and Uncle Podger he pre-.
cipitated against the wall with force nearly
sufficient to flatten his nose.
Then we had to find the rule and the
string again, and new hole was made;
and about midnight the picture would be
up-very crooked and insecure, the wall
for yards round looking as if it had been
smoothed down with "a rake, and every
body dead beat and wretched - except
Uncle Podger.
"There you are" he would say, stepping
heavily off the chair onto the char wo-
mans corns, and surveying the mess he
had made with evident pride. why,
some people would have had a man to do
little thing like thatr'-Jerome h Jer>