davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
NAroI.EoNs IN FINANCE.

A most appalling sound was heard i.
the nursery, and the astonishcd father,
with his hair on end, ran to see what was
the matter. He opened the door and
looked in. Willie was sitting astridc
his drum, kicking it with both feet.
Johnny was twisting the cats tail and
bringing forth bowls of dire agony
Tommy was whirling a rattle, Bobby
Stapleford, a neighbours boy, was super
intending fight between two vociferous
dogs; Harry Plugmorc, another visitor,
was jumping up and down OH an empty
barrel, half dozen other casual young
stcrs were pounding tin-pans, and all
were yelling at the tops of their voices.
"What is the meaning of this unearth-
ly racket" demanded the father as soon
rs he could make himself heard above the
din.
Were playing Chicago Board of
Trade replied Willie. "Fellers, let
'cr so once more!"
And pandemonium broke loose again.
-Chieago Tribune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
HE Also Had RIFLES

He mac. opened restaurant in Buffalo,
and aftes two or three weeks he called at
bank to get the cash on a small check
received from some one in Philadelphia.
"Havc to be identified, SIR" said the
teller rs he showed it back.
"But / am Blank of the new restau-
rant around the corner"
''hIust be identified"
"This is payable to me or order. and
I've endorsed it," protested the res
tauranter.
"Can't help it, sir. Rules of the
bank"
The man went out and brought some
one back to identify him, and the money
was handed over. Three days later the
teller dropped in for lunch at the new
restaurant. He had taken seat and
given his order, when the proprietor ap-
preached him and said:
"Have to be identified, sir"
GLOW; What?"
"Havc to be identified before you can
get anything here sir"
"Identified2 don't understand you, .
protested the teller.
"Plain as day, sir. Rule of the house
that all bank officials have to be identi,
lied. Better go out and find some re.
sponsiblc party who knows YOU"
"IIanged if l dol" growled the teller
and he reached for his hat and coat and
banged the door hard as he went OUT
New York Sun. s->-r@--''s.-as-.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
Gold Coin is Seldom Counterfeited.

Gold coin is seldom countcrfeitcd for
the reason that it takes some gold to run
the business and the machinery for doing
inc work is expensive. Gold coins must
be made from dies and not cast, and
while almost any. mechanic can make a
silver dollar, it takes good deal of an
artist to get up counterfeit SIS gold
piece. ! am told, writes Miss Grundy,
Jr., in the Chicago Times, that only one
bogus $50 gold piece has ever been dis
covered and this bears the date of 1850.
In this case genuine double eagle was
split in two and as much gold as possible
was scooped out of the inside of it. Other
metal was then put in to make ND tho
weight and the coin was then putt to-
gethcr again. twas filled coin rather
than counterfeit and was actually worth
about 81. Several $40 gold pieces have
been counterfcitcd, and the most danger
Gus is that of 1877. The first SIS gold
piece was issued in 1850, and about
twenty-five other issues have appeared
since then.
The most skiilful counterfeits in cold
that were ever made arc dated 1882.
The Chinese arc adopts Mt filling gold
coin, and they will take 1000 silver dol
lars and get grain or so out of each one
and think they are making money by pass.
ing them again. Women have little TO
do in the filling of coin, and such filed
CONS as arc in circulation arc made by
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
Roller-skating Gave Graceful poise

"The rollcr-skating Kinks were con-
dcmncd on all Sides" said dealer in
sporting goods, "but they were mighty
useful in the cultivation of IL graceful
carriage. The movement in ice skating
is entirely different from that of roller
skating. In the former case the skates
must adopt n side movement OF take Il
tumble. On rollers there is u tumble
when the movement is not straight for
ward, as in walking. Go on any of our
crowded thoroughfares and notice the
peculiar motion of the majority of pcdes-
TRANS. You will see that there is Il de-
cidcd tendency toward side motion.
"Now, a person who practices on roller
skates is compelled to send his feet
straight forward and at the same time as
sumo an erect carriage. AS natural re-
salt of this practice, the skater carries
this straight forward movement to tho
street or drawing room when off the
rollers. This soldierly requirement is
desirable for everybody who cares to hold
his own with the graceful people of the
sphere in which he moves For that
reason, alone, claim the skating rink
was great institution. Those who now
wish to possess a graceful motion in pub,
lie have to avail themselves of the re-
sources Of p military school or n dancing
academy, in the absence of the skating
rink, which was both instructive and
pleasing at the same time. "-Ne,o York
Nail and Express.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
A Famous Old Mantel.

Most of the tomb-likc fireplaces and
mantcls erected in NV York houses
twenty-five or thirty years ago are hor-
riblc to contemplate, but now and then
beautiful antique of this sort is found.
A decorator bought for So some years
ago n beautiful marble mantcl that was
being taken out of an house in Greene
street. He interfercd just in time to
prevent its destruction, and could prob
ably have bought it for half the sum he
paid. 1t was of statuary marble deli
cately carved in relief. The purchaser
sold it to rich suburban resident fo.
$500, and would gladly have it back at
that price, for since the second sale there
has been discovered upon the marble the
name of a famous sculptor. The piece
was brought OYER from Holland by an
carly Knickcrbocker.-
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08

you stood by me. and so L thought I'd
do you turn. Look out, she screamed
"hcrc they are. Police" There was a
sudden stamping and trampling of feet,
Il blocking of the entrance to the hall
way, and the gang were upon him. Hi
ram pulled the girl behind him and
struck out like wild man. They were
too close to use their fists we'll, and he
drove them back. Then he felt the door
behind his back give way, and as it
opened he put his arm around the girl
and pulled her with him inside the house,
and threw his shoulder against the door
and locked it.
They were standing in the hallway of
the lodging house, which was lighted by
Il single burner. Outside the men
kicked at the panels aud cursed viciously,
and then voice cried hoarscly: "Chccsc
it fellcrs, the cops is onter us, aud they
heard them jump away, and the sound
Of their footsteps growing fainter US they
ran.
Hiram put his hand to his head, and
found that it was bleeding, but he did
not mind that, for the girl was leaning
heavily against him aud trembling with
terror.
"ls don't seem to me-" said Hiram,
mcditativcly, "that this sort of lifc's
just the thing for a young girl"
81 haven't got any other" sobbcd the
young woman II, his side.
81 know of II place on Il farm down in
New Jersey" snid Hiram, slowly, "whcrc
they'll take you and treat YOU well if
say Sound | will say SO if you'll come.
Will you!"
the young lady Of miair fame looked
up and drew nearer to Hiram and nodded
her head in assent Us she blinked tear
fully.
They were all very glad 10 see Hiram
when he trudycd up to the farmhouse
few days later. and very much surprised
to see the pretty, slight young girl ut his
side.
'This, mother" said Hiram, simply
by way Of introduction, sis my wife.
told you when went away wouldn't
come back cmptyhandcd, an she's bet
tern money
And this is how it came about that
Hiram got II third intercst in the farm,
5000 DOM and the two rooms on
the second floor, and was eventually for
given for prefcrring the lady who hung
i'll midair to the youngest daughter OF the
Methodist minister.-New York San.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
Foo WAS FAcErIous.

'Thanks," said Fogg, most gracious.
ly, to the waiter who presented the lig.
neous toothpicks ut the close of the
meal; ono, think don't care for them
I've had quite enough. Aud, besides,
my physician has warned me that they
are the very worst things can put into
my stomach"
The waiter tarricd sufficiently long to
ascertain that no tip was forthcoming,
and then he retired to inform the wait
ing gentleman at the next table that a
lunatic had broken away from some asy.
lum.-B9stOn transcript.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
THE OLD EIREPLACE.

You may tall, about your furnace fires
That warm your city homes.
And tell me how the heat aspireS
And through the building roam
IT'S handy, I'll admit to push
A little iroh wn.c
And let the ghost o, summer on
About the room TO steal.
But ON, I'd love to see once mors
My fathers big tireplacs;
To hear the old logs sing and roar.
And watch the lodging sparks outpoul
And up the chimney chase!
Your modern CRATES mic, affair;
When full OF anthracite
1t lends the room pleasant air
On any winters night,
The glowing COATS n flower bed
Lilies and crimson pinss,
And 'mong them many an elfin eye
Peeps through, and wnhs and bInks
But oil, long to see oncs more
My fathers old fireplace:
To watch the shadows flicker DER
My mothers whitley sandel iloor
And round the ceiling race
These patent par,or stoves are fine,
And charm away tine chill
With windows whence the light may shine
The room with cheer to fill.
Some peopl. love TO bois. about
Our stylish modern ways
And thank tine Lord who east their lines
In these progressive day.
But oh, tina. might be once moro
Beside the old fireplace.
To soc the fleet winged flames upsoar
AMI watch the flashes on the floor
Entwine and interl,ce.
Hearty and iovia fires were thos,
loved SO when boy.
They tinted DARKNESS like The ross
And warmed tne heart wit, Joy.
They chucIled in an undertone,
They cacxled, whisticd, lnushed,
They burned 80 bright. the cnrcs of life
Flew upward in The ,l.nu .ht,
And Oh, III TO - once moro
Beside the old fireplace:
To browse apon the sandei fio,-
And lind my mother ben ling DER
With ovc-light on her facet
-Gcorye Horton ia Chicago Herald
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
Cremation in Europe.

There were forty-six cremations n,
Woking, England, last year, double the
number for 1888. In Paris the number
reached 5000, but this included bodies
from the hospitals and anatomical labora
tories. The use of crcmatorics is also
increasing in Italy aud Germany.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.

DR.. Hocus (gruffly)-.sNIadanl, there is
absolutely no hope. Your child will
die
DR.. Pocus tkindly)-''I quite agree
with all that DR.. Hocus has said, but.
with careful nursing, L think the child
will probably live"
DIR. Bolus (timidly)-''I am entirely in
accord with DR.. Hocus and Dr.. Pocus,
and II think-thc -child-wil!--tha
is to say-will neither live nor de-
HarCard Lampoon.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
THE MESSENGER boy AND THE TORTOISE

THE MESSENGER BOY AND THE TORTOISE.
1t happened once that n messenger boy
was tauntinga tortoise with his inability
to smoke cigarettes or pitch pennies.
"What you say is true" replied the
tortoise, ..but Nature gives different gifts
to different creatures. / may not be able
to smoke cigarettes nor to make con.
tiding woman pay thirty sevon cents and
car-farc for delivering message to her
dressmaker in the next block, but 1 can
beat you in foot race"
The messenger boys Spanish blood
was reused and he accepted the tortoise's
challenge. The tortoise was so confident
of victory that after he had gone little
distance he went into convenient door
way and went to sleep. Pcrcciving
which, the messenger boy persevercd,
and by diligent effort won the race.
Moral: The race is not always to the
swift.-Lys.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
A TRAIT OF TIE SEX.

"AIy wife," said Jones to Smith, as
they sat smoking in the dining room, sis
going out shopping. She has been up
stairs before her looking glass for an
hour, but will bet she will have oucs-
ton to ask about her appearance before
she goes out"
''Think So" said Smith.
SIN sure of it,"
Just then Mrs. Jones trippcd down
stairs, and looking into the dining room,
SAID:
"Good-byc, dear, I'm going. Oh! by
the way" she added, "is my ha'
STANDARDIZATION Courier.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
CURIOUS FACTS.

The oldest pcnsioner in this country is
Portugal was conquered py the sioc:s
in 713.
In parts of India dentists charge 81 for
pulling tooth.
Tine most popular bull fighter in Spain
gets $40, 900 II performance.
Tn England in 1868 $50 there was one
known thief to every 1000 persons.
Trade marks were known in ancient
Babylon. China had them as early ,s
1000 b. c.
A citizen of Calusa, Cal, has given
iway 5000 walnut trees, to be planted
Along the county roads.
The largest vineyard in the world is
owned by Senator Stanford, and is in
rchama County, Cal. 1t covers 1925
heres.
The oldest wooden vessel afioat is said
70 be the schooner Polly, Of Owls Head,
SIc. She was built ut Amcsbury, Mass,
III 1904.
Jacob Tuttlc, OF Alton, n. H., and
1is sister, Mis-. Sallic Kcnnett, both
celebrated their SD birthday recently.
They are twins.
Professional florists of England are
,ultivating old-fashioncd flowers, such us
;hc daisy, the columbine, larkspur, holly
lock and Canterbury shells.
Caleb Leongood, II wealthy resident of
louisville, Penn, is probably the great
.st peanut cater in the world. He has
occn known TO eat six quarts at sitting.
Connecticut has placed a law on her
statute book which imposes a fine of 81
Ipon any minor found in any public
place or III the streets smoking II cigar
Site.
Among the employees in the service of
Queen Victoria is the ''Quecns rat
catcher" who receives the modest re-
Enumeration of 1915 Il year for keeping
the palace free Of vcrmin.
A large sewer in Portland, Orc, i,ati
20 he opened the other day, as it was
badly chokcd up. When the workmcn
dug into it they found that the roots OF
'rcc had forced passage through the
wells and formed a solid mass for fifty
teet.
novel way of raising money to build
church has been adopted by CON
grcgation in an Iowa town. They bor-
cowcd $3.50, 900 and gave life insurance
Oh a number Of the members, which is
TO be applied on the debt as fast as death
ensucs.
The site of prehistoric village has
3ccn discovered on the banks of the Ohio
River, near Parkcrsburg, w. Va. 1t
covers about four acres, and the earth is
thickly intermixcd with fragments of
pottery, strcaks of ashes and fragments
of bones of animals and human beings.
According to the statsticians there is
room on the earth for seven times as great
L population as it now contains. If all
the habitablc countries of the gloce were
rs thickly populated as China, Belgium
or India the population of the earth
would be 10000, 900, 900.
A lady in Americas, Ga, is using
lamp chimney she has had and used daily
for the past eight years, and she expects
to use 1t for Eiany years yet. She says
she boiled it i'll salt and water when it
was bought in 1882, and no matter how
large flame runs through it, it won't
break.
1t is an interesting fact that in Colon
bia, where potatoes form the chief food
of the people, and where potato disease
runs riot very often, the greater the alti-
tudc Mt which the vegetable is grown. the
less is it liable to the disease, and at 5000
feet above the sea it grows in perfectly
hcalthY state.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
IT Is DETERRENT NOW

Sunday School Superintendent Tex
planning the lesson Many of these
Scripture names. children, have special
meaning. Can anyone of you tell me
the Specification of this name, 'Icha-
bod?'"
Several Voiccs-"Thc glory has de-
parted"
Observation-Disclosures. If, then,
You wished to convey the idea that some
nan-say politician-had become un-
popular and could no longer succeed in
any of his ambitions you Smiling pleas
antly) would call him"
Whole School "Dennis ~ C;icag9
Tribune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
PUTTING IN FULL TINE.

Time Kecpcr-''Look here, Donovan,
[ can't understand how you made seven
teen hours on Thursday"
Donovan-"Shurc Oi shtarted two
hours before Oh began, an Oh wurrkcd
all dinner tonne whin Oh was Icstin', and
afthcr Oh left off Oh wurrkcd for two
hours more, an that makes me tonne
out. FUNNY Folks.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
A noNEYMooS IN EcLrrsE.

"Mr. Diyby told me he didn't enjoy
his wedding tour Queer sort of state
ment, wasn't it?"
"Why, no, Auutie; not under the
circumstances"
"What do you meant"
''Well, you see Mrs. Digby had such q
horror of people taking Digby and her
for bridal couple that she took II
chaperone along. Life.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
AN ADAMLEss EDEN.

Mr.. Adams-'.You don't mean to say
hat you have TO carry all your letters into
own from the colcge?"
Miss Poughkcepsic--"Ycs, indeed :;
they are so strict at Vassar, that they
won't even allow Il mail box on the
grounds. "-Munsey's.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
A REELECTION nEsENrEn.

shc-'I know Harry Hopkins must
nave mercenary motive in this match.
How can he love Miss Van Million when
,hc is SO much older than he is?"
He-"Oh, you do the boy injustice.
Even if he doesn't love her, he vcncrates
aer."-Lye.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
CAUSE AND EFFECT.

Bad Boy-"Lick me, an yen be
sorry"
Teacher (hoiding the rattan alofD-
"Why,"
cause, if you do it'll make my
hands sore, an if they're sore l can't
kctch in to-morrow's game, an if don't
ketch the gamc'll be lost an the name
O. the school dragged in the dust. Seer"
Laurence american.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
GuYISG HER UNCLE.

"Uncle john" said little Emily, "Do
you know that baby that was fed on
elephants milk gained twenty pounds in
wcek?"
"Nonscnscl Impossiblc!" exclaimed
Uncle John, and then asked: "Whosc
baby was it2"
SIT was the elephants baby" replied
little Emily.-INusfrated Fun.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
LIKE THE MURDERER.

Sensation Rcporter-''It was purely a
love match. 1t seemed as if fate brought
these two people together. Neither could
resist the other-and so they were mar
ried."
Friend-"And how did John meet his
fate?"
Sensation Reporter "Uniinchingly.' -
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08

admit, my dear, TINT the women of the
West arc not rs handsome as those of the
East"
Western Damsel--"In what respcct7"
Eastern Dame--"Well, you have no
such compilations out here as we have"
Western Damsel--''Oh, am sure you
must be mistaken. We use exactly tho
same things. ''-America.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
a VALUABLE SUBJECT.

Howard-"A penny for your thoughts
but l suppose you value them at more
Than that
Edith-"oh, no, the fact is, L was
thinking OF you just then. "-Munseys.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
SHE OWNS THEM.

81 wonder if Miss De Wigs teeth are
acr own" said Mrs. Squildig to her hus-
band.
"Ycs, replied Squildig "I happen
10 know the dentist she bought them of,
md he told me she paid cash for them. -
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
TRIED us PRENTICE HAND AT nEpAnrEy

"Sir," said an apprentice to his master,
when very clever and very stupid
person are together in one room, and
;hc clever one goes away, who is left2"
"Why, of course, the stupid one."
"Then goodbye, SIR" said the APP
prentice, and went.-SonntagsJ,uu.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
BASE INGrATITupE.

Mrs. Basklcy-"What's the matter.
dcnry9 You look disguised"
Baskley-"Why, l gave poor widow
len dollars on the sly to buy coal with,
and she didn't tell anybody"
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
A NATURAL surrosIrroS.

Ted-'One of the dime museums adj
vertises phantom hen
Ncd-''What does she do?"
Ted-"Lays ghosts, 1 suppose. -
LVe.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
TIE SLANG OF TILE DAY

First Bascballist-"And when the old
nan instead Of the girl met you ut the
loor, did You make home rune"
Second DISQUALIFICATION, was shut
out. - 1crrc Haute Eapnss.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Don't-snubbed-AN Natural supposi-
tion-A Valuable Subjcct-Pcr-
nicious Activiiy-Basc III
gratitude. Etc, Etc.

There's modesty of mien always pleasant
TO be seen,
No matter who the wearer, youth or mnid !;
There's the mir of charming grace; there's
the open. honest face
Against which naught in reason can be
said
Such department merits praise in these hifa-
lutin' days,
And I'll tell you true it can't be bought for
money;
So let your speech be easy, mayhap tribe
breezy;
So avoid the sin of hyperbole, AMI
Don't
Funny.
When conversins with n friend let YOU Ian
guage always tend
To impress him with the fact that YOU are
sane
Avoid all eccsntricity. all verbal infelicity-
Such linguistic JIM jams gives pain
Don't rise to the emphatic; do not bloviate
dramatic
Nor mix for one verbal peach and honey;
Each word OF easy dction is like oil on
heated friction.
But above all Use common sense and
Don't
Funny.
81. Paul Pioneer Press.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
pERNIcIous ACTIVITY.

Cclestine-"Your new maid is twice
IS active as the old one"
Erncstinc-''That's why have moth
ing to do half the time. '-Aew York
Sun.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
HIS PROFESSION.

''If you'll go to work, I'll give you
something to cat, said the kind hearted
woman.
81 cant follow my profession unless
you do, returned the tramp "for am
an after dinner speaker. LIE.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
SNUBBED.

"Good morning." said the cyclone to
Inc flood.
81 don't know you," replied the flood,
"you put on too many airs for me. -
Nunsey's.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1890-08-08
SANE BRAND OF PAINT,

Eastern Damc-"You certainly must