Custer weekly chronicle. [volume] (Custer City, S.D.) 1890-1931, 1890-02-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

shlrt-front to make a polished gentle
mau.-Rearney Enterprise.
We sometimes hear of the spirit OF
hope. but hope Is no spirit; it's only an
ex-specter.- - inghamton Leader.
On the question of the introduction
Of the European influenza into this
country the eyes and nose will have il.
LoweA Courier.
Billings--'I understand you are an
agnostic, Thompkins." Thompkins
politician Only before the grand
jury, my boy."-Tsrre Haute Express.
He is a poor excuse of a mar who
cannot convince his wife that he is a
genius, before marriage. Afterwards
but we'll let that ass.-PhRadelphia
Press.
II is said that 'meD arc the afchi-
tects Of their own fortunes" This ex-
plains why so many of them fail, for
but few get beyond the nave.-Phaa-
detphta Press.
Mrs. H-"Maggie, where do you
suppose you will 20 to if you tell such
f%alsehoods as thisP" Maggie-"Sure.
ma'am, / don't care; / have frinds in
ayther place"
Look here,n said the farmer TO the
tramp. Let me jist give you a pinter
- But | don't want a pinter, "
replied the tourist. II want a quarter"
-Terre Haute Express.
Women and Wine are often classed
together by the poets, but we have
never yet heard of a poet who claimed
that both Of them improved with age.
Huntington Free Press.
Alone with God and her lead pen.
cir' is the only opportunity a woman
has TO sharpen it without being told
she doesn't know how and never will.
Hutchinson (Kas.) NepS.
There is a great difference in poker
players. There's the man who can
play poker and there's the man who
thinks he can. The latter is the one
who has to write a check.-The Epoch.
A good many people publicly thank
the Lord for their prosperity who would
be mad II somebody should suggest
that they were not mainly responsible
for it themselves. -SoneTUiHe Journal.
Perhaps the advice Of a certain dear
old lady applies to etiquette as well as
to other affairs of life. Speak the
truth always" she was wont TO say,
but speak 1t gently Youths Conn
panton.
What makes the tea so weak, Mrs.
McKerrelP" asked Funnywit, the wag
Of our clearinghouse. "It's been
listening to your jokes about the hash,
I reckon replied Mrs. McKerrel.-
Burdete.
Kind Lady Ito drunken wayfarer)
Dear sir, the Good Book tells us not
to look upon the wine when it is red"
Drunkard Don't see how | can;
blind (hic) drunk now."-Kedrney En-
terpriSe.
How will you have it boundP"
asked the binder Of q man who had
brought in a dictionary to have new
covers put on. II think it would be
appropriate to have it spellbound,
was the reply.-hasburg Chronicle.
Mahel-'Let's play house; I'll be the
mother" George-''Yes, and I'll be
the father" Clara-"And I'll be the
cook" Mabel and George Indignant.
ly)-"Yes, that's just you! You al.
ways want to be boss of everything
Life.
In Court-"Prisoner, have you any
thing to say in your defense?" You
Honor, beg you to consider, before
pronouncing the sentence, that The
only reason | steal is so as not TO b,
loatng about the streets all day
F2iegende Bldtter.
Wickers-.If you don't let up or
your drinking, Vickars, one of thes,
days you will be having snakes.
Vickars-"No, l won't. drink moth.
ing but imported Irish whisky. ant
there can't be any snakes in that, YOU
know."-7srre Raate Express.
In Boston, a while ago, a barber
while ~innocently looking on at a stree
fight, received o pistol shot in hi,
mouth. II was undoubtedly fired by
some one to whom he bad been In the
habit Of suggesting a hair cut every
time he shaved him.-LoWeN Citizen.
Belinda-"I see that Clara has taker
20 sending liberal donations to the hos
pitfalls and asylums." Annabel-"Yes
you see she has everything she coulo
possibly want. she has not a wish un'
gratifed, so she is going in for self
denial and giving to the poor."-Amer
lea.
Old Lady (reading paper)-"Shock
ing! yes, just horribly shocking! i
does beat all how these nobility cree
tiers do carry on" Birds-"How'.
that, grandmaP" Old Lady why, ]
Just read that an English Duke got 1
queen full at a card party, the other
night."-kearney Enterprise.
Heavy Boss Ito budding genius who
never reaches the Office on time)-
young man, I owe all my il
life to the fact that ! was never late.
always got to business early" B. c.
''Well, that's where we differ. What sue
cess I've had l owe to my head, not t.
my feet. "-Phiiadeiphia Inquirer.
A lately married Belfast couple can
not be accused of hasty action. Tn,
bans were published and the certificate
was issued q year ago, but the kno
was not tied until last Friday. A youn,
lady who has had experience suggests
that the bride probably had to wait fol
the dressmaker. -LeUiston Journal.
Marie-.I am willing to marry you
Charles, even II you are poor, but d.
Won think you can take care OF me
hnyway" Charles-'O. darling, By
this strong right arm raised to HEAVIER
l swear that I will support you always
even II I have to take in washing fol
you to do" And they were married
-Munsey's Weekly.
Won Boreall-'Did you not under
stand me, Miss Lucyp go South to
morrow. Have you nothing to sayP'
Miss Lucy (coolly)-''Yes, / can say
earnestly spd from my heart that
Won B. (aSide)-''Swect girl. ! knew
she'd be sorry" Miss Lucy-"Tha
my sympathies are entirely with The
South. "-Pitfs Bulletin.
do not say that a girl or woman hal
no moral right to go out and earn heI
own living, but any one who will in
vestigate the matter will find that sucf
action ON their part is most commonly
not n matter OF stern necessity ont
time out Of ten. They want better
clothes than what the family income
gives them - they r through will
school or hate il they desire to throw
of parental restraint and the monoton,