Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-06-28
THE TOPICAL TALKER.
As FaIstaf said; 1 Would Thou and Knew
Where Commodity of Good Names
Were In he Rnuuhr

| As Falstaf said; Would Thou and Anew
Where a Commodity of Good Name,
Were TO be Bought.
| A A rule we are pretty well pleased with the
names that our parents or our godfathert
| and godmothers have given us. But occasion
ally the given or Christian name is drawbacks
! and an annoyance to its owner. A New En-
gland couple are trying to avoid the response
bility of naming their offspring by somewhat
ingenious plan. They have now four children
| two boys and two girls, who are known SIMPLY
as One, Two, Three and Four. These numbers
are merely used as temporary expedients; ap
pelations to be used until the children arrive al
a certain age when they will be permitted to
choose what names they please. As soon as
the child's fifteenth birthday arrives he or she
will take the name or names which appear de-
sirable and the numeral will be dropped.
None of the four has reached Is yet. and it is
very odd to hear the parents talk of the time
poor little Four" has had with her teeth. and
of Ones success at chool; or of the bad habit
Three has acquired of using slang, and Two's
tremendous appetite. The plan has its advant-
ages. An ill-chosen name sometimes darkens
a career. We are apt to expect some intel
ectual quality in a youth named Shakespeare;
and it is doubly painful to discover an unniti-
gated liar in a George Washington Somebody
well as name, but how many men are rendered
ridiculous Dy such heroic nomenclature!
THE classical craze in the choice of names is
happily thing of the past. The days
when many an inofending infant was con-
demned to bear such names as Xenophon or
Clytemnestia, are gone by. Neither is it popu-
lar to ransack the Bible for polysyllabic
names. There is perhaps an excessive tendency
in the other direction. Here in America pro-
test has been often made against the discard
ing of classical and biblical names for the
meaningless modernites, the Mamies. Sadies.
and the other les of girldom to-day. The
names which the Puritans made popular were
in many cases musical. but the fair sex Jared
the best in the distribution always. Priscilla
and Prudence are as lovely names as any of
the dear creatures who have worn them could
wish; but who has wholesouled desire to be
called Hezekiah or Obadiah or worse than all
Uriah. which Dickens made forever destest-
able by tying it to the wretched Heep?
WHEN this question of names was being dis
cussed, the other day, Southerner-a
Tennessee man-said Down my way you run
across some mighty queer names among the
colored folks. In Greene county there's a man
called George Greenville Female Seminary
ant institution at his home in Greenville.
GA s to the idea of your New England friend"
said the reformed cowboy. "of giving his
children numeral nicknames till they come to
years of discretion, that's as old as the Alle-
gheny Mountains. My whilom neighbors, the
Indians give the papoose name at its birth,
usually suggested bysome of the circumstances
of its natal hour, or derived from its father, as
for example, the child of a chief named Rising
Sun might be called Little Sunbeam. When
the Indian boy grows up he gets an
other name. usually taken from his
features or personal characteristics. and pre-
sumably he selects it himself. A third name
he may obtain after he attains manhood by
some deed of valor or cunning; glorious by the
Redskin standard. This last name is conferred
as an honor by the individuals tribe. Indians
are fond of giving picturesque names to the
white men who mingle with them. l see that
the Washington Post says that Theodore
Roosevelt, the Civil Service Commissioner, is
called by Indian friends sHe- Who-Skins-His-
Teeth When-H -Talks'-which may or may
not be complimentary"
THERE is no reason why the stock of given
names should not be increased. Accept
able additions can be made. A pretty idea,
which has been followed in two families that I
know of, is to call the girls after the States
The euphonious ones will be found sufficiently
numerous to provide tor family of reasonable
size-even if they be all girls. Pennsylvania is
rather long, but the word has a grand and
graceful meaning At least one young lady
born in this county has borne it. Virginia is of
course common name. Florida,
Missouri and Carolina are more fire.
quently used in the South and
Southwest than here. The son of Union gen.
eral who distinguished himself in the war,
bears the name of the State where his father
was killed, Tennessee. Nobody has been called
New Jersey yet.
WHENCE. by the way, comes the phrase, His
name is Dennisr' My ignorance is deplor-
able doubtless, but 1 found score of wise men
and women yesterday who are in the same boat.
One authority 1 consulted said: II have a
vague idea that some fellow whose name was
Dennis got hung. Somebody who did not know
of this tragic fact asked afterwara st had
become of Mister Dennis and thS 1swer he
got was: His name is Dennis"
In my search after the origin of the phrase,
came upon the record of a certain John Den
mis-, an English critic and poet in small way,
who lived in the eighteenth century. In his
capacity of critic he wrote a savage review of
Popes Essay on Man." and the revengeful
poet replied by immortalizing Mr.. Dennis in
1.-The Dunciad'' after this fashion:
Should Dennis publish you had stabb'd your
brother,
Say, what revenge on Dennis can be had?
Too dull for laughter. for reply too mad;
On one SO poor you cannot take the law;
On one so old your sword you scorn to draw.
Uncaged then let the harmless monster rage,
Secure in dulness, want and senile age.