Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-01-05
A DRUNKEN INCUBUS.
Greentree Borough Citizens Much Puz-
zled by a Bibulous Vagabond.
THE BURGESS WAS NOT A BURGESS
And There Was No Power to Arrest the
Hayward Inebriate.
WHILE DISPUTING HE SOBERED UP

In the estimation of many people the Dor
ough of Greentree, back of Temperanceville,
alias the Thirty-sixth ward, comes about as
near Eden as it is possible for hamlet in
sight of a more or less wicked city to be,
and, according to story related by vera
cious member of the bar, the estimate isn't
far out of the way
A suggestion of the entrance Of the SER
pent, however, broke on the astonished in
telligence of G reentree few days since. A
stupidity drunken man was discovered in
the borough by the constable thereof and
the question first discussed was how in the
sacred name of temperance and Arcadian
simplicity did he get there? The belief
that it sometimes rains toads is wide
spread, but the people of Greentree refused
to believe that either solar attraction or a
cyclone had picked up 165 pounds avoirdu-
pois from Pittsburg slums, waited the mass
over the 400-foot hills and dropped it in the
village without knocking the bug juice out
of it. The man wasn't bruised, but he was
very drunk.
A WHITE ELEPHANT.
What to do with him was the next ques-
ton. Some thought he might be utilized as
terrible example of the baleful effects of
intemperance, and voted to have him hauled
around in a cart and exhibited to
the contemplation of the rising
generation, in imitation of the
ancient Greeks, who made slaves
drunk and showed them in their most dis
gushing state to the children OF the ancient
republic, but this proposition was voted
down as somewhat dangerous, the staid citi-
zens fearing the medicine might produce the
opposite of the effect intended The case
was without precedent, no drunken man
having ever been before encountered in
Greentree.
The corporation has burgess and con-
stable, but no lookup, and drunken man
could not be more trusted to move around
at large than could boa-constrictor. The
burgess had not taken out a commission,
and there arose doubt as to his power to
act as an ex-oficio justice of the peace.
After viewing the matter from every possi-
BILE angle, moral, legal and social, the bur-
CESS and constable decided to walk the inc
briate out of their bailiwick, and
they accordingly escorted him into
Mansfield, and here struck another snag.
Mansfield said it had enough to do to take
care OF its own drunks without looking after
those of Pittsburg, and before the debate
had straightened himself up, shaken the
dust of both Greentree and Mansfield off his
feet, and had gone for other pastures and
fresher fields.
IT LET THE BoRoUGHS OUT.
This happily let both corporations out of
the dilemma, but it has left bad taste In
some persons mouths. There are some peo-
pie who are envious of the good name of
Greentree, who say that the reason some of
its citizens are never found drunk within its
sacred precincts is that in getting there
from Temperanceville they must climb
high hill and if only moderately fuddled
be greatly, grandly and gloriously drunk
the descent into Greentree gives them so
much momentum that though they may put
on the airbrake, they cannot stop before
they get into Mansfield, whose reputation
is thus sacrificed to preserve that of lis
neighbor.
The little incident narrated above has
stirred Greentree to its greatest depths, and
as forewarned is fore-armed, there is a loud
call on the Burgess to take out a COM
mission, and at the next meeting of
the Borough Council it will be
asked either to provide a lookup or
at least one ball and chain, so that inebri-
ated waits and strays, the fotsam and
jetsam of the city, when stranded in Green
tree, may be entertained according to their
deserts. To make themselves perfectly safe,
some burgers contend that at least three
outfits of ball and chain should be pur-
chased, even though the next Council may
be required to pass deficiency bill.