The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-07-18
WIT AND HUMOR.


the slot.-lTDae.
1t discourages a yoHng m.istache to
be called down Pittsburg Chronicle.
.The saIoon.n he solemnly drawled.
''is the house that Jags built. ."-BuGssto
Courier.
Many a youthful scion of wealth is
dependent on papa labor--Binyitanlton
Herald.
Lots wife was turned into pillar OF
salt because she was lots too fresh
Sonteretlte journal
1t is with love rs with soup-the first
helping is always too hot and the last
too cold.-Juage.
How we admire the man who hap
pens to catch us when we are doing
good deal on the sly.-Atchison Globe.
Never kick man when he is down.
It's waste of energy. Go for the
man who is. climbing above you.-
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Canvasser-s.I have here n work that
goes off like hot cakes" Lady of
the House-s.Please let me see il go
oil. "-Hu'isey's Weektg.
Dentist-.-Do you want TO take laugh
ing-gas?n Visitor-.Not till after de
toof is out. boss-reckon Ill feel mo
like laughin' den. "-Pnck.
In the sanctuary all men are equal.
In the contribution box the punched
/ quarter iingles as loudly as the proud
est COIN Bttighaniton Ledsier.
Ii is cold. elammy thing to say. but
those people who treat friendship the
same way rs any other seltishuess get
most out of it---4tcisiSotI Globe.
Pies enough have been made in New
England this fall To supply all the rail-
way ears in the United States with
wheels for twenty years SoDieruiiie
Journal.
A boost once in 4 while during life is
worth all the oratorieal soft soap that
has been spread over the grave since
Adam turned up his toes r,lsid
Inquirer.
He-'I see that another American
heiress IS about to marry a Baron. :"
She-..N hat kind of Baron?n He
Barren of cash. of course. Norris
t0tCa Heratd.
Mrs. Van Jones-.'George. / think
it is awful. yonr going out between
acts" AIR. Van JoHes-..Not half so
bad. dear. as coming in between
drinks. Time.
If speetacIes could be fitted to- men
whose minds are short-sighted there
would be less poverty. aud possibly
not 50 much crime. in the world
Boston Transcript.
Politician-"Wer. YOU ever up for
anything ont West?" Returned
Boomer-.'O. yes; | was up twice y
Politician ..What for9n Returned
.Horse-ste;,ling aud arson. !"
Life.
A man discovers more virtues in his
wife before lie is married and after he
Is divorced than he ever did in the
interim between these two periods in
his uncertain career.-I pfIid In
qatrsr.
Lot journeved wearily on. said the
parson. with the fate of his poor wife
fresh in his memory How could
that be" his little sou asked him after
the sermon. when she was salt?n-
Barttette.
If it were only as easy for man to
understand Woman as il is To love
her there wouldn't be any '.Is Mar
riage a Faiiurc?' going the uneven
rounds of the public press. Iihita,leL
phid btqHireT.
Mrs. Wiekwire-..I heard today that
Mrs. Eig@ called me a yiuegar-fact.d old
thing. fine ideal Mr.. Wickwire
(sooIhingly) 10. well. She merely
meant thai your face had no lilies ON it. y
E -Ierre Haate kgbness.
First Broker-"No fluctuations in
the dress market. ELI. Plunger? Strong
effort tn ..bulf' Partisan STYLES vet?n
Second Broker u e.. aud We singular
enough, the bare faction seems to pre-
dominate. RiciiBo,td Dispatch-
Hobbs-''Yes, suppose | do look
rather used up. but the fact is I've been
working pretty hard lately-consunl-
ing the midnight oil. YOU know" Fogg
IL see. Been on Il spree. You mean
the fusel oil. n-BoStoa Transcript.
Mrs. Literary-"Dn vou believe with
the poet that reading makes full
man?" Mrs. Practical (sishing)-.I
don't know that reading makes a full
man. but | am convinced that club
reading-room does. ''-Terus sittings.
Briggs-..Young Smithers is a friend
of yours. is he not?' Braggs 20. yes. y
{ Briggs Does he ever reeite any of
his poetry to you?" Braggs-.-Cer-
tainly not. Didn't | just tell YOU he is
friend of mine ?"-Ierre Haate Err
press.
Shampoo. sir?" Victim
mo. Haven't | suffered enough al
ready?n Barher-'.I never shaved but
one man who didn't have some fault to
find" Victim-..Was he dumb?' Bar
ber-'sNo. sir; he was dead. .n-Phitd-
delphia Inquirer.
The great question now is. "Should
clergymen use tobaeco9" We think
not. The clergy is absolutely over
worked testing and teStimonializing
patent medicines. We shouldn't ex-
pect too much even of the clergy
Boston Transcript.
Cholly-"How I wish [ was your
little dogi' Miss Flyppe-.'That is a
very laudable ambition. Mr.. Sophleigh,
and does you credit, but | am afraid
you will have to be content with the
position nature has assigned you."-
1erre Haute E1press.
(Which cookies you rudder haf
meester, de vwones NIT holes in de
needle or de vwones init citron in de
meedle?' ''Ay it don't mahk ahny diff
ference to yez, mem. Oi'll talk de ones
wild de citron. Dim fonder av citron
dan av holes. mem. ."-Harper's Weekly.
Smith-"Herlo. Jonesi Got any
thing to do yet? If | recollect Alright
you were out of employment" Jones
Yes. / got very good job. am
manufacturing material for interiors. !"
Smith-"Ahi Art decorationp' Jones
mo. i've turned cook. boston
Courier.
One way of convincing your wife that
you are Il genius is TO get your life in
sured. The larger the policy the
greater the genius. Then, if YOU go
off somewhere and fool with some
thing that you didn't know was loaded.
you will simply be great--fiiita,teii ilato