The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-09-14


did l. but now we take the plain cooking
or nothing. | used to eat red sweet
cake and green ice cream Il good deal at
hrst as the guest of the evening, but now
walt till the bacon and pone comes
around. and then eat very little else I'M
less stewed currants should be served.
u so l eat some Of them on my bread,
washing this down with glass of old
Rhenish buttermilk.
On taking your seat at table you will
find at the side of your plate Il bouquet,
or buttonhere, as the French call it,
which is not to be eaten, but inserted in
the5lapel of the coat. If there should be
no hole in your coat suitable for this
purpose do not with your claspknife jab
hole in the garment while filing the
mir about you with profanity.
You will also find napkin at your
side, or rolled in fantastic wad on your
plate. 1t will have concealed in it %
blonde roll. which you will no doubt in
an unguarded moment flip on the floor,
and it viii get stepped on by the regular
banquet humorist of the occasion.
You will be assigned to seat at first.
and will place your hand on the back of
the chair, thereby filing on the seat, as
you might say. Upon given signal
from the chair. and the words Gentle
men will be seated. you Will sock your
legs under the table, and while getting
acquainted with yoi,r neighbor you may
unfold your napkin. put few Brazil
nuts in your pocket and ask the guest of
the evening if that is his first visit to
''our little town"
your side at the beginning of the meal
along with the wine glasses. you may
easily distinguish it from the wine
glasses by its height. 1t is not SO
tail, and is more thick set. or thickly
set, if you please. 1t is also liable to
contain Il sprig Of geranium, which is
not to be eaten under any circumstances.
You will now bite off corner of your
roll. and while ostensibly reading the
menu You can run over your piece in
your mind or comb your whiskers with
your pocket comb.
Ii a dish is brought to you which you
have not been brought up ON. and you
are mystiGed about it, do not say to the
waiter, Il don't want that; it's too rich
for my blood" but let it remain by
your side, and possibly some one else
will ask what it is, SO that you can not
only find out, but also quietly take home
the recipe to your wife.
1t is considered vulgar to eat every
thing within reach, and then try to dig
the ornamental designs off the plate
with your spoon in "a mad effort to get
the rest of the food, or wipe up your dish
with a roll. like an engine wiper working
on a neglected locomotive. You should
eat all the time as if you did not choose
any, or had no occasion. as we say at our
house when we have company, and
throughout the meal preserve an air of
ennui and appear as blase as possible.
Do not begin to eat like harvest horse
while the blessing is being rendered. but
sit quietly and do not fidget with the
cake or crack your knuckles and muir
muir at the delay.
Donot seek to obtain the last drop of
gravy or your plate by up ending it into
your spoon or mouth, and if you wear
heavy mustache it might be well occa-
sionally to run your fork through it in
search Of custard or other game which
may have secreted itself there. The
bright bon mots of Il man with custard
in his mustache fall upon the mind like
pail.
In eating raw oysters do not seek to
hurry matters by means of Il violent in
halation at the moment of taking them
from the fork: and if you should drop
one on the floor do not gather it up with
your hand and slap it down on your
plate with an oath, or put it on the head
Of a bald clergyman whom you know
but slightly. Tell the waiter in Il low
tone of voice that If he will get it from
the floor he may have it for his own.
Then you may go on with your persi-
flage or whatever may be on your plate
at the time.
After the entire menu has been care
fully disposed of the chairman will take
another nip. and arising to his full
height, thereby scattering the crumbs
that were in his lap over those who sit
near him. he will proceed to pound on
the table with the handle of knife. and
refer feelingly to the guest of the even.
ing. Cheers will greet his remarks, and
confusion will cover the guest. If you
are ever a guest you will know what
sorrow is. To sit up at 1a o'clock at
night facing an expectant multitude of
dear, devoted friends. and listen to en-
comiums a foot high addressed to you
-- W.