Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-03-13
THE soAP.PEDDLER's WARNING.
And How 1t Was Interrupted by an Ener-
petic Little Woman.

anu How 1t Was Interrupted Oy an Ener-
getie Little Woman.
A fy-by-night peddler occupied the
entire end of Eddy and Market streets
few evenings ago and sold soap, says
the San Francisco Examiner. His
wares were not warranted to cure Cali
fornia feas, nor yet to knock out
Bostons fistic cultivator, j. L. s."
But he claimed pretty nearly the entire
earth for that soap of his; said that it
could give man pointer on horse;
sure cure for dandruff; tell the lucky
number in the next lottery drawing,
ETC., besides removing spots, stains,
and smut from the wearing apparel.
He was very voluble talker, and a
nuisance as well. He churned out
''Sweet YIolets" and ''The flowers that
bloom in the Spring, tra-la la, on
10-cent mouth harmonica, while he
lathered his head with his soap and
produced a foam which would have
done credit to the storm-tossed ocean.
Quite crowd gathered around the
fakir's wagon. They watched him
manipulate pack of cards, draw
glass of sherry from bottle of ink,
unite fourteen knots from a silk hand
kerchief in two consecutive seconds,
and draw live rabbit from nearby
newsboy's ear.
"NoW, gentlemen, you have seen all
there is to see in the way of legerde-
main. I'm no Heller, nor am / a
Hermann. I'm simple plain, three
cornered, old-fashioned, sIabsided,
.country-cut soap peddler! Before l
attempt to eXtol the virtues of this
highly-prized article, which babies cry
for, mothers jump at, and fathers pay
the small price of 10 cents to keep peace
in the family, [ would like to give you
a word of warning. It's got nothing
to do with the soap. Here it is, free,
gratis for nothing, in just two little
words don't marry! Marriage, genP-
men. is the b'ginning an end of all
troubles. Like young bear, when you
once get married you've got all your
troubles ahead. -
just then a stout energetic little
woman, with light hair and blue eyes,
pushed her way through the crowd.
Her face was flaming red, her hands
were clinched, and it was perfectly
patent to the by-standers that there
was trouble in store for somebody.
When the fakir caught sight of the
woman he wilted. Not one word could
he say. He blew out one of his gaso-
line torchlights in a feeble manner and
attempted to draw reins on the sad
looking horse attached to his outfit.
The little woman elbowed her way
right up to the wagon and seized the
soap fakir by the coat-tails. She pulled
him down from his seat to the side
II
while the lit woman continued to be
as red as a rose. She drew a cowhide
from under her wrap and began to
beat the fakir, clinging to him with
her right hand gripped on his coat-col-
lar.
"J-o-ohn,n she gasped between
blows, you transferable, c-c-ontemp-
tible s-s-pecimen of man, YOU desert
ed me- didn't you! You left me to
starve in Los Angeles. (WhackD
You told me you came from back east.
(ThumpD You swOre you had lots of
money. (SwashD You didn't have a
bean, and | don't believe YOU ever will
have one. (BifD But l want YOU to
understand that I'm a California
woman, | am, and | never forget man
who does me dirt | washed, and
cooked, and worked Tor you, and you
know it. You married me and YOU
left me when you got tired of me- |
never want to see your face again, but
I've been waiting six months to give
you what you're getting right now
There, you ugly, deceitful wretchr'
'tThere" meant lash in the face, which
made the soap-peddler yelp with pain.
The crowd howled its approval of the
woman's action. The woman herself
disappeared among the throng on Mar
ket street The bruised and battered
soap-peddler blew out his remaining
torch, touched up his antiquated steed,
and silently stole away.