St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1890-04-18
A DRUMMER'S SCARE.
He Was Agent For a Liquor Firm That
Had Reputation.
HIS FIRST TRIP TO THE WEST
He Falls Into the Hands of Precious
Pair of Jokers-He Had No Further
Use for His Bitters.

more, representing the liquor company
of Culver & Co., has recalled an old
time joke to the minds of some of the
old-timers. Hearing report of this
stOrythiS mOrning,a reporter of the Inter
Mountain called at Mantle u Warren's
Office and had the rare good fortune to
find Gen. Warren and United States. Mar
shal George w. Irwin. the prize pair of
story tellers, together and in the best of
humOr. A request for the East India
laugh, and Gen. Warren pushed back
his chair from the desk, threw one leg
over the other. and began the following
tale of woe:
''You see that was in 1878. 1t was one
of the worst winters | ever saw IN Mon
tana. The day after the legislature adj
jOurned there was gang of US coming
over on the coach to Deer Lodge and
Butte. There were Judges Davis, John
Forbs, F. B. Gilmore, agent of Eiler &
Co., in Omaha, Irwin, here, myself and
wooden blanket drummer. We left
Helena at o'clock in the morning and
got to Little Blackfoot about l O'Clock.
There they switched us into a COACH
We had come that far on Sled We
were out all night in the Dog Creek
Hills, anu SOG lHlO DttI LOuSt dG III
o'clock the next morning. Well. the
East India bitters story got started on
the sled that morning. and it ran all
night
1--WE had not been out long from Hell
ena until Irwin and | got on to the fact
that Gilmore represented Eiler Il Co., of
Omaha, and sold Golden Sheaf whisky,
cologne spirits and East India bitterS,
and we concluded to beguile the tedium
of the journey by j0shing him. He did
not know man Oh the coach. Irwin
began the bali by saying: Warren.
wonder If those - East India
bitters people will have the nerve to
send drummer out to this country this
year?'
IF they do, said l, we will see that
the - - gets hung. DO you
remember the night that you and L and
night in Pete Valiton'S saloon in Deer
Lo ige and played poker? We drank up
all the whisky and beer they had in the
house, and when the stock ran out they
had nothing but East India bitters, and
we had to drink that. That was the
night | went home and chased my wife
out of the house with an axe and threw
the hired girl down a siXty-fOot shaft
on the next claim.
Yes" says Irwin, land Hank Walton
set fire to his own barn that night. l
did not know thing that happened aft
erwards. When | woke up l was under
arrest for stealing a horse five miles
from Philipsburg. | was arrested walk
ing along barefoot and leading the
horse bya rope. There were four days
in that week that have never been able
to account for.
81 Clipped in again then and SAID:
Yes, and don't you remember the next
day they fOu I'd Lou Smith running
over the benches near Garrison with
nothing but a pair of drawers on, and
he had to be laSSoed before he could be
tanned. Jack Airport dropped into the
saloon that night and only took three
drinks of the stuff. He disappeared and
was never heard of again for four
months, when x. Bieder discovered
him down in the bad lands playing
star engagement as medicine man
among the Crow Indians. He had no
recollection of what had occurred at all
when x. recalled him to himself. -
1--WE kept up this kind of a racket for
some time and Gilmore didn't say a
word. Finally Irwin said: IF | ever get
track of an agent of that company will
put the captain OF the vigilantes on to
him. These East India bitters are max
ing widows and orphans at terrible
rate in Montana. | tell you they are
filling half the graves in this territory,
and | shall consider it my duty, if a
| drummer ever comes out again, to see
that he is conveniently put out of the
way
.'All this time Gilmore had not ven
tured to proclaim his identity as agent
of the bitters, but at this point he
| evinced disposition to stand up for
| the Objectionable fluid, and mildly said:
Gentlemen. have drank the bitters my
self, and believe them to be chemi-
cally pure
Chemically pure reared Irwin, and
his face got red as he made motion as
| if to see if his six-shooter was in posi-
| ton for instant use. why, tell you,
sir, that Professor Tom Strang made an
analysis of the stuff in Deer Lodge.
One bottle of it boiled down showed a
lump of strychnine as big as mans
| fist. A bottle of the stuff was sent up
| North, and it did all the wolf poisoning
in the Fort Benton country for
four years. One bottle of 1t
was stated to be. equal to
twelve bottles of strychnine coming
| East. | have seen one drink of that
bitters, taken by young man of TWEEN
| ty-One. turn his hair gray in single
night. Nothing but the iron constitu-
| tions of Warren and myself ever ena-
| bled us to survive the nights debauch.'
"At this point Gilmore did not ven
| ture any further response. Irwin and l
kept it up all night. The next morning
| we got into Deer Lodge and all stopped
| over there but myself. | came on to
| Butte and went into the wholesale
liquor store of H. l.. Frank and Jim
| Brown, and then told the story, and we
| agreed to carry out the joke little fur
ther. Frank had lot Of barrels of the
| in a corner with lot of empty barrels,
and covered the whole pile with wagon
sheets, which were securely nailed
aown. Two days later Gilmore came
| up from Deer Lodge and went straight
to Frank q Browns. He was pleasantly
received by the boys and Bill OwSley
| was ALSO present. Gilmore talked bust
ness and sold some Golden Sheaf
whisky, cologne spirits and other stuff
to Frank Finally he asked if the stock
of East India bitters was all used up.
" 'Sh-h-h-h-h--,' says Frank. For
Gods sake don't mention that name
! around here even in whisper, or your
| life isn't safe.' He then took Gilmore
out and showed him the big pile of bar
res covered with canvas. He told him
that if the populace got onto the fact
that that canvas concealed East India
| bitterS his business would be ruined,
| his house would be burned down, and
he doubted if even his life would be
| spared.
"Gilmore replied that couple of
ducks, named Irwin and Warren, had
joshed him that way on the road over
from Helena, but that he did not be-
lieye one word of such story. Frank
said that he would quickly convince
him, and proposed that all should go
out and take drink at the first saloon
they came to, and if Gilmore cared to
risk his life he might call for East India
bitters. "a
"Gilmore accepted the proposition
| and the gang went out and dropped into
| Jim McGoyern's saloon. The Darkeeper
had of course been fixed. Bill said he'd
take little whisky, Jim Brown called
for glass of toddy, Frank said he'd