Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-07-17
PLEASURES OF BADNESS.
Some Comfort for Those Who Have Iost
Their Hair.

'That bald Caesar, the famed Roman
wight is known to have disliked being
bald, says the London SATURDAY, Re
UieW. Hence, his detractors declared
his love of the laurels of victory. Ger
tainly it were a seemly thing if our ell
derby generals could dine out and 90 to
the play in such laurels as they may
happen to have won; for badness.
though indispensable to Il young doctor
or solicitor and highly desirable in
statesman, is not coveted by the sons
of Mars. A young physician, in let
ter to one of the papers, very touching
ly bewails the slimness of his purse and
the thickness of his ambrosial locks.
The high and dome-like forehead,
which is admired in the busts and eff
gies of Shakespeare, seems to this youth
feature indispensable in his profess
sion. Yet he, of all men, should have
the remedy at hand and be skilled in
the depilatory art. He has only to
purchase or mix the antidote to those
prescriptions for lengthening and thick
ening the tresses which are advertised
in the beautiful decorations of our
hoardings. 1t has been subtly remark
ed that many wise and wealthy persons
remain bald, and hence it has been in
ferred that the inventions of Mrs. Allen
and others are not invariably sovran.
But, perhaps, the wealthy and wise are
intelligent enough to keep the advant-
ages which nature or the wearing of
ill-ventilated hats has given them.
They know when they are we'll off, like
the poet and author, G.. Lucinius CAL
vus, who, after the manner Of the living
skeleton, was probably proud of the
title"
The young doctor values head de-
nuded at about $500 year, and really,
if he is acquainted with his business,
he ought soon to possess that shining
place" where, as the elderly riddle re-
marks, ''tEere is no parting" He
thinks that flowing beard has also it's
market value, yet he does not seem to
have remarked that the owners of
flowing boards are usually very bald
men. 1t is as if nature could not sup
port the growth of so much in two
places at once. By leaving the chin
unshorn the head may be brought, as it
seems. into the desired condition.
Even the lower animals" he main
tains, have an admiring affection for
the ornament which he desires, and he
illustrates this by the wag9ishness of
an ostrich, The benighted bird at
tempted to hatch the head OF sleeping
Englishman-in South Africa, we pre-
sumo. This was fattering but embar-
RAISING, on the whole, for the ostrich
is bird with strong sense Of its
personal dignity. Hell has no fury
like" an ostrich duped, in its maternal
instincts especially; nor can one seri-
ously believe that the Englishman was
happier for the fowls misplaced affec-
ton.
If the young physician is right, we
may perhaps expect to see depilatories
as popularity recommended as the con-
trary kind of nostrum, But while a
dozen advertisers offer to make the fat
thin. nobody has yet discovered way
of making the thin fat. Badness, ac-
cording to the doctor, is the result of
fatty degeneration, and persons natu-
rally lean cannot by taking thought,
degenerate in this desirable direction.
Sitting up late in an atmosphere of gas
may do a good deal, and the tall hat
of modern times is also valuable to per-
sons who covet an appearance of pre-
cocious wisdom. Every kind of dissi-
patton is also recommended; but this
prescription has obvious disadvantages,
and is even uncertain. 1t is not re-
corded that Bob Sawyer and Benjamin
Allen rose in their profession by bald
ness; yet no young men ever did more
to deserve this gift. To be early grav