Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1890-04-02
The Arizona Kicker.

was only half sheet, and which
seemed to have been printed on a
cheese-press.
We owe our readers an apology for
the shape and appearance of the
Kicker this week, and shall proceed
to give it. Last Sunday we went over
to Silver Bend to see the boys and
rake in few subscriptions. Our
Office was left in charge of chap just
from the east who claimed to be
George Alfred Townsend. AS we had
never met George we did not feel like
calling him liar.
We intended to return Tuesday
morning, but in this country man
purposes and mules and other things
buck against him. The Internal, lop-
cared, stiff.legged, pig-headed, limb
spawned beast which we rode-a fit
counterpart of our contemporary down
the street-threw us nine times in
going thirteen miles, and we arrived
at the Bend badly used up. We
hadn't yet raked in a dollar when
Lew Smith, pug-ugly whom we as
sisted to run out of our town four
weeks ago, sounded his war-cry and
began to encourage the Benders to
hang US. Most of 'em were on a drunk
that day, and the proposition at once
found favor.
Under the pretense that we, as editor,
publisher, proprietor and city editor of
the greatest weekly in the west and
which runs as an annex, but under
the same roof, grocery, butcher shop,
feed store, shoe store, hardware and
cutlery, has been seeking to break
down the social barriers of the mighty
west, they hunted up a rope and
selected tree. We appealed, but it
only added to their desire. We tried
to argue but they wouldn't have it.
Our editorial person was laid hold of
and hustled along to rope dangling
from a limb, and as we looked over
the crowd and failed to catch SYM
pathic eye we felt that our time had
come.
The boys were white about one
thing. Drunk as they were, they had
sense enough to realize that great
editor could not wind up his earthly
affairs in satisfactory manner under
fifteen minutes, and on motion Of a
halfbreed, who once succeeded in
borrowing half a dollar of us, the
time was increased to twenty. We
wanted to argue the case, but it was
no good. We started in on a speech,
but they whooped us down. By the
time we got down to business FIVE of
our twenty minutes had fled.
During our editorial career we have
assisted at several amateur executions.
We had always supposed that if the
crowd we're satisfied the victim was
bound to be. 1t never seemed much
Of an effort for him to let go of earth
ly matters, and we have sometimes
wondered why more of them didn't
come for ward and ask to be pulled up
to limb. Our ideas underwent a
great change as we sat on meat box
under dangling rope, while the min
utes hurried away like a jackass rab-
bit taking the lead of prairie fire on
windy day. Any man who believes
he can do business under such circum-
stances is mistaken. He feels restless
and unsettled, and his mind seems to
be disturbed over acres of space.
1t was only after we had lost twelve
minutes Of our time fcoling around
that we had started in on our will and
testament, and we hadn't written
three lines of that before we suddenly
recollected that we were without a
blood relative on earth. AS to leav-
ing the Kicker and its annex to any
galoot in town was not to be thought
of, and we finally made out a bill of
sale to that individual known as
William of the Hill, who has several
times appeared in our town and at
tempted to run the city government
with broncho and two revolvers. We
didn't expect him to maintain its high
literary standard and great moral ex-
cellence, but we knew he'd kill the
postmaster and make sieve of our
contemporary the first week Of bis
editorial career.
When the time was up the moose
was placed over our head and tight
ened under onr chin, and it admonish-
ed us to observe the apparent enjoy
ment of the crowd. They seemed to
feel in as good spirits as an army
horse turned out to buffalo grass, and
their impatience to make pendulum
of our body was another queer feature
Of the convention. We had just been
drawn off our feet, and our editorial
ideas were becoming rapidly mixed,
when a lot Of passing cow-drivers
happened along and broke up the
candy pull on the ground that they
were waiting In hano ne tho FIRST n mo