The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-01-25
HE ARIZONA KICKER.
Real Editorial Happiness Found Only in
the Far West,

the Far West.
We extract the following items from
the last issue of the Arizona Kicker:
APoLoGETICAL.- must apologize
to our readers this week for any lack e
interesting matter in the Kicker. Mon
day morning, as we were busy at the
editorial table, that parsonage known as
''Kansas Joe'' entered the Office and
fired both barrels of a shotgun at us
from distance of eighteen feet. One
of the shot raked our scalp, while the
rest passed above our head into tho wall.
In another thirty seconds Joseph was
dead. We pulled on him with a re-
volver under the smoke and dropped
him with a single bullet. Scores of our
leading citizens pronounce it the finest
shot they have ever known.
There was the usual inquest, burial,
ETC., occupying so much of our time that
we could not give the paper the atten-
ton it deserved. Next week, unless we
have to kill Tennessee Bill, the Kicker
will again be fully up to the mark.
SEE HIS AD.--We call attention to the
two-column advertisement of The White
Elephant drug store, which is to be
found on our third page. This adver-
tisement was not given the Kicker be-
cause we had ascertained that Mr.. Drew,
the druggist, was an absconder from
New Jersey, and was here living under
a false name and with a woman not his
wife, but because Ne is a believer in
printers ink and has faith that the
Kicker will increase his already large
and profitable retail trade.
HAPPENS THAT WAY.-On Friday
afternoon we approached Henry Smith,
of the dry goods firm of Smith Bros, and
suggested that he advertise his business
in the Kicker. He courteously replied
that he would see us in the huckleberry
country-wherever that is-before he
would do business with us. One word
brought on another, and the result was
that he knocked us down, picked up our
half-unconscious body, and mopped it
around until he began to sweat his col
lar, and we were then flung out of tho
door into the sand.
We can't and don't expect to lick
every body we bump up against in this
country. We have chawed up seven for
every time we have been done up, and
every body says that is a record to boast
of. As for Henry Smith, while we owe
him no grudge, we deem it our duty to
find out where he is wanted by the po-
lice, and we'll bet a barrel of sugar he
Jumps this town inside of two weeks.
TJINs IInIrT -(lpr hnuy- ~ olyn1 Inn
shouldered, kree-sprung, green-eyed
contemporary down the street is half
dead with envy because we were the
leading feature at Mrs. O'Hara's party
the other evening, while he received
the cold cut While we were receiving
a hundred compliments on our late
editorial in regard to colonizing Ice
land with American Indians, he was
sitting among his paste-pots with cold
glare in his eyes. While we were lead
ing the first quadrille he was kicking
cockroaches in the semi-darkness, and
while we were declaiming "Sheridan's
Ride" in our own inimitable style the
fire of envy was consuming his small,
cheap soul, which was doubtless pur-
chased at some secondhand sale in the
East.
Let him howl, however. We can af-
ford to pass him by with good nature.
We are as far above the old vulture as
Pixies Peak is above the deepest spot in
the sea.
EXPLANAToRY.-Ane explanation is due
our readers that still another breach-of-
promise suit has been brought against
us, making the seventeenth in two
years. This time it is the Widow Cum
bers who brings suit, and she lays her
damage at $4,000. Society here is Pc
culiar Lone women seek this locality
to catch a husband. Any unmarried
man is fair game, and ordinary courtesy
is construed to mean love and pro-
posal. Take the last case for instance.
Mrs. Cumbers invited us to dinner. She
said it was in acknowledgment of the
power of the press. We put on clean
shirt and combed our hair, and she took
it to mean that we were gone on her.
We spoke kindly of the way She boiled
corned beef, and she argued that we
loved her. We praised her prune pie,
and she replied that she could be ready
in three weeks.
Tho sixteen other suits have all been
decided in our favor, and of course this
one will be. 1t is plan to capture us
or our cash, but we don't surrender.
Even when we have had offers to settle
$4,000 suit for 81 and calico dress
we have sternly held to our course and
let the case 60 to trial.-Detroit Free
Press.