The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1890-04-20
The CaIipk.

The Caliph Schanderz. commander of
the faithful unto all his grand ~viziers,
emirs, sheiks, executioners, wielders of
the scimeter and heaters On the gong for
prayers likewise unto all his eunuchs,
mamalouks, slaves, supcs n well-be-
loved SONS of guns-RreetinR! Peace,
plenty and Doodle be with you and your
seed forever. Ere this ye have heard that
I have been admitted into the palace Of
the sultan. Yea, I nave gotten there, even
as l have said from the beginning.
Wherefore, ! do desire that there be Joy
throughout the length and breadth OF the
province. Behold l have written and now
send unto you a book that I command to
he added unto the Koran, whereof il is the
wind-up and completion. Moreover !
command my slave Rickardz when he
goeth up into the mosque upon the next
holy day to read the Book of Schanderz
unto the people that they may listen and
profit by my wisdom n my sickness.
Hearken, ye faithful and give heed; for
behold my tips are straight; and the
pointers give you are OF great value.
S~cnANDERz,
Caliph of Montana.
THE BOOK OF
The troubles Of Sclanderz-luck gOeth back on
him-He engageth In divers fights with
the Christians-they continually do him
up-he waileth and cusseth.-He hath ..
vision-in his dream Schanderz ascendeth
unto the gates Of paradise-he getteth n glimpse
OF paradise-and admireth the style thereof-he
prcsenteth himself TO the porter-and Is denied
Observation-Disclosures summoneth Mahomet-
md inquireth wherefore he entereth ot-Ma-
hOmet giyeth him a tip ms 10 the reason thereof
@Schandcrz cusseth bi~tterly-and threatened TO
put a head upon Mahomet-he trieth divers Sc
cret and underhanded ways to get into paradise
but getteth left-he cusseth with exceeding ve-
hemeDce.-He thinketh Of n scheme at last
which he proceedeth 10 put into eyecution-to
his Joy II worketh-he sneaketh into paradise
and presenteth himself before Mahomet-Ma-
homet layeth his hands upon the head OF Schan-
derz-and eoinmenteth upon the remarkable size
thereOf-Sehanderz awaketh from his dream
and straightway interpreteth 1.-THE new his
set-tO with the Christians-they are amazed-he
triumpheth over them-and rejOiceth.-The song
OF Sclanderz-he giveth straight tips Ia the
young-and enunciateth divers proverbs and pre-
cepts-from which the faithful may adduce n
new and improved code OF morals.
Allah is Allah; and there are no flies
upon him.
Allah is Allah, and Mahomet and Schan-
derz are his prophets. For Mahomet
wrote the first part of the Koran. and i
was good; and behold, /. Schanderz, do
finish the business. For l have a thing or
two to add 10 the Koran. Into the ears OF
the faithful will i put fieas; out of my
wisdom and sickness will / instruct be-
levers i'm the subtleties of true monkey
work. Wherefore, l write.
There was a time when / was full of
sorrow. Imourned and was glum. For /
arose and went forth and gave battle unto
II enemy, ever the dogs of Christians;
and they arose and came and did me up.
Again and again did / arise and get a
move upon me and strive earnestly for to
out-knock them; and 10, they were too
many for me; moreover, also, they
mopped the earth with me.
And il came to pass that the last time l
did struggle even with n mighty struggle,
and did seek for to move even heaven and
earth that ! might get them where perad-
venture the hair was short; and behold
they whooped a great whoop, and came
and jumped upon me with an exceeding
heavy jump, and there was no wind left
i'm mt.
And they arose and came and brought
their wives and their sons and daughters to
look upon me; and they said, Behold the
old cuss; for he is q tough old cuss and n
slippery.
And | arose and soaked my head as of
old and was sad. And | sought diligently
for a hole hat was deep and exceeding
dark. And il came to pass that did fall
asleep and a vision came unto me.
And my spirit arose and assembled wen
unto the fourth paradise. And looked
through the fence Of barbed wire that did
surround paradise and behold / saw there
i'm many wonderful and pleasing things.
For | saw n mountain and the top thereof
did pierce the clouds. And the mountain
was made of cases of wine-even the wine
which is yellow and which sparkleth and
foameth with a shivering sheen. And l
saw by the superscription upon the cases
that the wine was exceeding extra dry.
And l behcld ten thousand tenders of the
bar; and their manner were courteous
and their movements were brisk. And
they opened up the cases of wine without
ceasing, and did set Il up for the crowd
for behold, the drinks were upon the house.
And there came to my ears a sound of
music as of the popping of many corks.
| And behold. ! saw the houri and peri and
blacki of paradise, and they danced and
were fair. And they sported one with
another and made merry, for they had
| pleasant jays upon them and their loads
were just heavy enough. And l listened
to the music of the popping of the corks.
And I arose and spake and said unto
myself, Verify, yum YUM. Lo, paradise is
the exceeding great stuff; moreover, also,
il is n blank sight more pleasant place
than the Koran did lead me to believe.
So I arose I'M went unto the gate for 10
enter; and behold the tender Of the gate
did give me a choke; for he said he had
orders even so To do. And I waxed wroth
and cussed the tender of the gate. And ]
babe him arise and fetch the prophet,
even Old Man Mahomet, that l might
dicker with him. And when he was gone
l arose and sat down. And | listened to
the music of the popping of the corks.
And Mahomct came 10 the gate; and
spake unto him saying Shake, O prophet
for behold / have got here at last. Arise
let us go in and hav something. But
Mahomet greeted me not, neither did h,
shake. For he spake saying Depart, q
Schanderz, for | have no use for thee
All ,psu,,ro1 saving Gonna off I hp