Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-06-14
SORROWS OF THE BOARDER.
How the Census Might Touch on Burn
ing Issues of the Day.

From the New York Times.
That not altogether respectable member of
society popularity or unpopularly known as
''the boarder," feeling that his interests are
being neglected in the grand inquisition now
going on all over the country. begs leave, in his
| usual humble manner, acquired by long prac-
tice In interviewing his varying landladies with
| the unvarying result of absolute discontinue
to him, to suggest that an effort be made to
ascertain the combined public views upon
some matters near his heart. These matters
he is assured, have to do with the vital organi-
cation, organism and organs of society as it is
represented in the individ ual boarder With
this purpose within telescope range the sup
plant would meekly murmur a few mild and
perplexing inquiries to be added (whats a
supplementary schedule good for if nothing
may be added?) to the interesting assortme mt
now being propounded
Namely. Are all boarders SO abnormally
fond OF prunes as he is? (Of course he is; if
he wasn't why would he eat them every night,
unless he was so hungry he had top
Why Is rice pudding the most healthful des-
sert N the worldY ct Is, for he has eaten it
every day for forty-six years, and isn't dead
yet-only dying)
How large a draf. may be made upon the
boarding houses for cannon ball substitutes in
the shape of potatoes boiled before the war in
papers and comes over to lombard America?
scientific (this census is known to be in the
interests OF sclence) inquiry into boarding
house soup that will de fnltely determine the
exact measurement of the respective thick
nesses of the grease above the soup and the
sOup-when there is any-beneath the grease
Whether memory and anticipation (memory
OF breakfast and anticipation of dinner, the
chief topics of discussion at the boarding.
house luncheon, are nourIshing or only fat
tening.
Don't say anything about hash. Some board
ers would be glad to get hash Cor something
else) II they could have enough of it.
But inquire religiously into the mysterious
pedlgree OF the Sunday vegetable. What
freaks OF heredlty have given to one vegetable
such particularly pious character that it
should be selected and fixed upon as the
boarders piece OF resistance-especially the re-
slstance-upOn every Sabbath day of the year
until New Years day when he swears off? The
Sabbath was ordained as a day of rest The
boarder would like rest from that vegetable
Che boarder always keeps the Sabbath or If
he doesn't his landlady Keeps 1t for him. but
she Is not to be blamed for this, as it Is usually
the only thing he has which is worth kee ping
In the mutual interest of the boarder and his
companion i'll misery, the ledger. it would be
boon TO discover why. wnen the street door is
SO permanently out OF order that il can neither
be opened nor shut, the fact should be daily
not to say nightly. accepted as additional cir
cumstantial, prima facie and I-told-you-so
evidence OF the total depravity and original sin
OF said boarder or ledger. though how even a
boarder could stumble upon an original sin in
New York city at the present date it would take
a landlady to elucidate.
What shall be done with the boarder whom
the landlady delights to excoriate. who refuses
to come on tap (the tap OF the belD, but lin
gers like the water in the New York mains which
you must begin to catch at breakfast if you
want any for dinner? Since cold yittals"-and
few of them-will not kill him, will electricity
do it if the courts will give it a chance? This
query Is In the interest of the landlady, but the
boarder Is a generous creature and he places
great reliance on the courts.
What would the ldndlady do if every one came
to the first table and she was compelled by an
inrate sense Is cents would be sufficiently of the
htness OF things to provide As many radishes as
boarders? Probably it would be best to permit
the enumeration to insert here: Refused to
answer, or considered an unwarrantable in
truslon into domestic affairs" (The boarder
would use here the word economy but that
he needs it farther on, and it is not well to re-
peat; he learned this from his landlady when
he asked for more beans.)
The role of bold agitator is a new one to the
boarder. but before he retires from it to the
obscurity Of his hall bed room let him subtly
lnslnuate to the brother boarder, who happens
to be among the census takers or undertdkers.
that, nov he has got the landlady ON his list
revenge Is sweet-sweeter than maple sirun
made out OF glucose or pancakes without any
and though he Is naturally of a retiring dispo-
sition (some time before day. his long and sad
experience gives him courage to insist that tina
statistics which might be gathered bv the
above inquiries could be made the basis of
calculations which would prove of immense
value to internal economy.
Other INQUIRIES will probably suggest them
selves to other boarders but as the enumer
ators receive only two cents head. and there
are great many landladIes. il would perhaps
be as well TO postpone more extended inye,-
tgatlon until the next census. when, if the
| Legislature il abolished, New York NAV have
secured rapid transit and become a CITY of
homes.