Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-04-26
$--
Who an What IL MANI

From the Detroit Free Press.
MY frens," said the Hon Candlelight Jones
of Nova Scotia, addressing the Lime Kiln
Club. 'de subjick of my orashun tonight is
Man. 1t is an orashun dat erected myself.
widout any help. | didn't steal it from Shake
speare. an didn't hire 10 white man to write
II. (Sensation.) l was ober ten vars gittin
dis orashun together. / went slow an sure. /
didn't propose TO fall into any mistakes
knowed dere was a heap TO talk about an
wanted TO git il all in whar' il belonged | will
now purceed:
Man, VINO an what is man? What Was
man created fur? Why was he created in de
form OF a man instead of "A hyena? What use is
he? What was he BON fur? In seekin' To answer
desc queshuns. my frens, you insensibly find
yourselves delving into dc regions of phlloso-
ply an follerin' de unknown paths Of specula-
shun. In de fust place. what Was de use of all
dis world wldout man? 1t would simply be so
much land an water gwine to waste. lCries OF
Hear! Hearr) 'Spose'n all desc we're rabbits
an possums an chickens we're runnin' around
wldout anybody TO make use of 'em-what a
shameful waste OF meat 1t would be- (Groans.
Dat one reason man was put yere-to eat
chickens an SIGH. Clum yumr)
what Is man. continued the speaker, as he
shifted his weight to his left leg Hes sub
stance composed of skin, blood, bones, teeth,
toenalls, brains, har and SO on. He was
created fust an out of de best goods in de
market. OATS de reason he's a heap purifier
Dan dog or cat. (Sensatlon.) If he had
happened to hev bin created along about fifth
or sixth he might hev bin a grounding or a
whale. Involuntary shlyers.) Oar ar seberal
inherent sorts OF men, moas' of you prob
ably know. Dey wasn't all made of de same
color nor IN lie same shape, kase dat would
hey bin monotonous IL would hey tried de
eye, same as !ooAin' at flock of white sheen.
Oar am no sort o queshun in my mind dat
black used to be de moas' popular color in de
beginnin' of things ('hear. hearr), but de
white man fo'ced his way in an got hisself
boosted up to de top by some sort of gum
game. (Growls and mutterings.)
Did you eber stop to think why manldidn't
grow TO be ten feet high an to weigh a ton?
You probably nebber did;a yit de explanasEuns
ar right to hand. If he was ten or 'leyen feet
high he could walk around no backward wIdout
sawln his neck on a clothesline, an if he
weighed a ton, an de roof of his hen-house
sprung aleak, how'd he eber git up dar to fix
1t! (Great sensaton) Man was bon to walk
uprightly. Why wasn't he BON to 60 on four
legs. like a dog? Dis philosophical queshun
probably nebber occurred TO your intelleck
but de reason is plain. You couldn't hev
crowded ober ten of him into a street-car to
once" (Cries of: 'Ah-hr)
The speaker here paused to wipe his heated
brow and moisten his throat with potash tab
let, and, after brief rest, continued:
while man is de highest order OF creashun,
he has at de same time got de moas low-down
traits OF character about him. While on NV
way frew Canada some man stole INV umbrella
from under my very nose decided sensationD,
an on two odder occashuns efforts war made
TO despoli me of my satchel. Dat was the work
OF man. Would de lion. de tiger, de elephant
or de grizzly bar descend to SIGH petty mean
ness! tCries of 'No.Never!) Wolves lib to-
gether in harmony. but man is alus in a
fuss. De hyena knows when he's got a good
thing, but man Is allus wantin' better.
Ia oil 4 4.
depend upon him cherry day in de week.
Take de average man an you needn't expect
to ind him twice alike de same day. Applause
from Elder Toots, which was broken short of
by Glveadam Jones giving him a kick.) OF
what use is man? He thinks he's a heap of
use, but he's dun mistaken bout dat. DE
world was heah befo' he cum. 1t would hev bin
right heah now if nobody mad eber bin DO H.
Man jist Gums, sloshes around. kicks up dust
an departs, an de blackberry crop of de next
var is jist as large as If he had libed on."
Samuel Shin sheds tears
MY frens," continued the orator as he
frightened his left suspender by an inch IMAM
Is a pore, useless, misguided critter. He's gem
erous one day an stingy de next He's way up
on de pinnacle of greatness at 10 o'clock in De,
mawnin, and at 3 in de afternoon he III dodge
around corner to git shet of givin blind
man a cent. (Cries of 'that'so. old manr) One
day he'll put his hand into his pocket and give
an orphan asylum a hundred dollars, an de
next he ii sue pore man fur de value of two
shillin's. CIes, yesI) 1t are my CANDID
opinyun, based upon long Vars of OBJ
servation, dat man ar failure as a man.
(Sensatlon). He would hev made a frst-rate
animal or bird, an would hev been a decided
success as an alligator. hev no recommends
to make. Man lis as he is, an he can't be no
different. (Groans). AFTER de meetin' Is out
collection will be token up fur de benefit of
de undersigned. who's mighty sorry he wasn't
bon rhinoceros. Thankn' you fur your in
terest ar courtesy, will now bid you a perco-
lated good night an stand at de doah as you
go out"
The fms was received with whoop of ap-
plause, but for some unexplained reason the
applause and the collection didn't gibe within
mile, the cash taken in amounting to only
seven cents. That was another proof OF the
fact that man is failure