Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1890-04-12
VARIETIES.

The best way to humble a proud man
is not to take any notice of him.
Perhaps the saddest sight on earth
is fat woman trying to look cute.
God pardons us just as he bids us
pardon our brethren, because it is his
very nature to forgive.
Perhaps it's because whisky is such
a strain on the system that hard drink
ers are continually broke.
1t would seem that the rear is the
proper place for the pushing man, but
somehow he is seldom there.
Dentist: "You want to take laugh
ing gas?" Visitor "Not till after de
toof is out, boss-recken I'll feel mo-
like laughin' den!"
Sufferer-Do you pull teeth without
pain? Dentist-Well, not always. =
sprained my wrist last time | pulled
tooth, and it hurts me yet, occasionally.
Fledgeley Miss Hauteur, will
YOU marry me?" Miss Hauteur eff
was clergyman l should be pleased
to, Mr.. Fledgeley. Who is the happy
girl ?"
"Three kinds of juries figure promin-
emily in trials now" remarked Nc
Corkle. What are they ?" asked Nc
Crackle. Grand jury, petit jury and
perjury"
"How much are these individual
butter dishes ?" asked a lady in china
store "They are not buffers" said the
attendant, "they are next summers
large sized ice cream dishes.
"Can you forgive me and love me
still, )" said the new-made bride, 'when
| confess that my teeth are-artifcial?"
"lhank God !' cried the groom, as he
snatched off his wig, "now | can cool
my head !"
"Who was it that said," a teacher
asked, at is not good for man to be
alone ?" A tiny boy, whose mind was
not o'ertasked with sacred lore, replied
with acumen: "Twas Daniel, ma'am,
when in the lions den.'
There are degrees Of contentment:
but it will be found that the most con-
tented are those who are engaged in use
full work of some kind down into which
thought flows and that the least con-
tented are those who are idle.
Guests at restaurant Cooking dubio-
usly at bro;led fowD: waiter, if this
is your spring chicken, take it back
and bring me little old hem Waiter
Changing 6O-cent check for 30cent):
"All right, sab. There you are"
An instrument has been invented for
registering the pulse beat. An ex-
change thinks What is more wanted is
one that will register the dead beat
without ittering up the Merchants
books with his name or the newspaper
publishers either.
When we are in the company Of
sensible men we ought to be doubly
cautious of talking too much, lest we
lose two good things-their good opin-
ION and our own improvement, for what
we have to say we know, but what they
have to say we know not
Grocer (to new boy)-"What did
that lady want, James ?" New boy
Salt mackerel. | told her that we
hadn't any," Grocer-"Great Scott
James, told you that we had dozen
kits come in fresh this morning"
New Boy-"Yes, sir; but she didn't
want 'em fresh she wanted EN- salt
Little Rob Davis is bright eight
year-old boy living in Georgetown,
Ky, a grandson of Gov. Robinson.
Recently he was saving away at fiddle
and some on asked him. "What are
you playing ?" He answered. I'm
playin' classic music" To the further
question: "What sort ofmusic is classic
music" He replied, Chat what amt
got any tune to it"
Life is too short to devote very
much of it to getting even with a sup
posed enemy, or parading a petty
jealousy against your more prosperous
neighbor. The individual who is en-
gagged in such an occupation could better
improve his time by going out in his
back yard and kicking himself. By
so doing he would not be exhibiting
sores to his fellow man.
Small Boy see you advertised
for boy, sir. Will [ do?" Grocer
''Well, we want spry, active young
chap. You look about right" Small
Boy -"What will have to do?' Gro
cer-"WeIl, you see, we are introduce
ing new fy-paper, warranted to kill
all the flies in a room In short order.
Your work will be to catch flies and
stick 'em on samples Of the paper in
the window"
A good deacon Of the town of Perry,
Me-, tells a startling story regarding
his curious experience while killing
fowls the other morning He was pre-
pairing for an extensive dinner, and
killed three fowls the last one, instead
offopping around like an ordinary hen
and diving when its head was cut off,
got up and walked about ten feet, laid
an egg and gave up the ghost. In the
meantime the fowls head cackeled for
nearly minute before that, too, be-
came quiet
A dentist tried hard to collect bill,
but after many Intellectual efforts said
to the debtor 81 do not intend to send
you any more bills, and don't intend
to sue you but there is one thing |
want to tell you. Every time you cut
off piece Of beefsteak and pass it to
your wife want you to remember that
she is not chewing that beef with her
teeth, nor with your teeth, but with
my teeth" In two or three days he
Ha1