The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1890-12-05
WHOLE NO. 1117.
ON HAVING DISEASES.
Tho Disastrous E1ect of Hendin. Medi
cal Works End tha Cura Therefnr


1t is u most extraordinary thing, but l
never read n patent medicine advertise
ment without being impelled to the conclu-
sion that nm suffering from tho particu-
lar disease therein dealth with in its most
virrllent form. Tho diagnosis seems in
every case to correspond exactly with all
the sensations that have ever felt
remember going to the British museum
ono day to read up the treatment for some
slight ailment of which had Il touch
hay fever fancy it was. l got down the
book, and read all l came to read; and
then, in an unthinking moment, idly
turned tho leaves, and began to indolently
study diseases generally. I forgot which
was the first disteraper 1 plunged into
some fearful, devastating scourse, I know
and. before / had glanced half down the
list of premonitory symptoms, it was
borne in upon me that had fairly got it.
sat for while, frozen with horror; and
then, in the istlessness Of despair, I again
turned over the pages. came to typhoid
fever-read the mptoms-discovercd that
had typhoid fever, must have had it for
months without knowing it--wondered
what else had got; turned up st, Vitus
dance-found as | expected, that l had
that, too-began to get interested in my
case, and determined to sift 1t to the bot
tom, and SO started alphabetically-rcad
up ngue, and learned that was sickening
tor 1t, and that the acute stage would COM
mencc in about another fortnight Bright's
disease, l was relieved to find, had only
In modified form, and, so far rs that was
concerned, might live for years. Cholera
l had, with severe complications; and diph.
theria / seemed to have been born with. |
plodded conscientiously through tho twen-
+,-, 1otto 4 t. 49, r
conclude l had not got was 1ousemaid's
knec. a"......u
felt rather hurt about this at first; it
seemed somehow to be u sort of slight.
Why hadn't / got houscmail's knec9 Why
this invidioua reservation? After while,
however, less grasping feelings prevailed.
reflected that had every other known
malady in the pharmacology, and grew
less selfah, and determined to do without
housemail's knee. Gout, in its most ma
lignant stage, it would appear, had seized
me without my being aware of it; and zy-
mosis had evidently been suffering with
from boyhood. There were no more dis
eases after zSmosis, SO | concluded there
was nothing else the matter with me
sat and pondered, l thought what an
interesting case must be from medical
point Of view, what an acquisition should
to walk the hospitals if they had me- 1
was hospital in myself. All they need
do would be to walk round me, and. after
that, take their diploma.
Then wondered how long had to live.
/ tried to examine myself. | felt my pulse.
could not at first feel any pulse ut all.
Then all Of IL sudden it seemed to start off.
lpullcd out my watch and timed it. ]
made ita hundred and forty-seyen to the
minute. tried to feel my heart could
not feel my heart. 1t had stopped beating.
have since been induced to come to the
opinion that it must have been there all
tho time, aud must have been beating, but
l cannot account for it, l patted myself
all over my front, from what I call my
waist UP to my head, und I went II bit
round each side, and u little way up the
back. But l could not feel or hear any
thing. | tried to look at my tongue
stuck it out as far as ever it would go, and
l shut one eye, and tried to examine it
with the other | could only see the tip,
and the only thing that could in from
that was to feel more certain than before
that had scarlet fever
had walked into that reading room IL
happy. healthy man. I crawled out Il de-
crepit wreck.
Iwcnt to my medca man. He is an old
chum of mine, and ecs my pulse, and
looks at my tongue, and talks about the
weather, ull for nothing. when fancy Pm
Ill; SO thought l would do him n good
turn by going to him now. t'What u doc
tor wants. said, "is practice. lie shall
have me. lie will get more practice out of
me than out of seventeen hundred Of your
ordinary, commonplace patients, with only
one or two diseases cach.n So l went
of ~. nd l. Ia, ra;I
"Well, what's the matter with you."
said:
II will rot take up Your timc dear boy,
with telling you what is the matter with
me Life is brief, and you might pass
away before / had finished, But l will
tell you W! hat is not the matter with me.
have not got housemaid's knee. Why
have not got housemaid's knee l cannot
tell yol,; but the fact remains that l have
not got it, Everything else however,
have got it,
And 7 told him how came to discover
it all.
Thea he opened nc and looked down
me, and clutchcd hold OF my wrist and
then lie hit me over the chest when ]
wasn't expecting it-a cowardly thing to
do, | call it-;ud Immediately afterward
butted ne with the side of his head.
After that he sat down and wrote out II
prescription, and folded it up and gave it
me- and put it in my pocket and went
out.
did not ore,. it, Itoo!s it to the nearest
chemist and hantcdit in. The man read
it and then handed it back.
He said he didn't keep it.
1 said:
You are II chemist5'
He suid
II am Il chemist. If | was n cooperative
store and family hotel combined l might
be nble to obligo you. Being only a chem
1st hampers me-"
read the prescription. 1t ran:
1 lb. heefsteak, with
tpt. bitter beer
every hours.
ten mile walk every morning.
bed at / sharp every night.
And don't stuff up your head with things you
don't understand.
followed the directions with the happy
rcsult-speaking for myself-that my life
was preserved and is still going on
Lawrence X. Jerome's Three Men in a Boat.
Pays Cash.
Merchant wish to insert an advertise
ment in The Morning Bugle.
Clerk-Yes, sir
"Commenceit in this way: Pay cash, and
put those words in large letters"
Eyes, sir"
"And l wish you'd trust me for the
amount for month or SO" Yankee
Blade
How 1t Sounded.
mo, / hayen'tp shouted Mr.. Artlup
angrily, sitting up in bed.
Haven't what, dear?" asked Mrs. Ardup,
only half awake. ,'What are you talking
about!"
IT am answering that blamed katydid.
1t keeps on saying: Got your conl? Got