The Press., 1890-09-11
Crank G. Carpenter in Washington Letter.)
 CRAZY INVENTORS.

CRAZY INVENTORS.
 have spent the past week looking up the freaks of the patent office. Side by side with the greatest inventions of the age are classed the craziest offsprings of
 the human brain. To-day some mighty
 Edison patents an idea which lights the
 world, and tomorrow some lunatic offers
 plan by which all humanity can lift them- selves to heaven by their boot-straps. In looking through the patent office you are surprised at the wisdom and foolishness of mans intellect. The one is as great as the
 other, and from the foolish point of view
 it would seem that when an idea of a pa-
 tent creeps into an inventors house con-
 mon sense flies out of his window.
 The illuminated cat was granted g pa-
 tent in 1884, and it is cat of pasteboard or tin for the purpose of frightening rats or mice. This cat is to be made in sit-
 ting posture, and it is painted over with phosphorous so that it shines in the dark like cat of fire.
 l Another cat, equally funny, is the patent sheet-iron cat, which is worked by clock work, and which has a bellows inside of it which swell up it's tail to the size of the maddest of felines. If properly set it will emit noise equal to the widest of living midnight Thomases, and it has in addition steel claws and teeth. You wind it up and place it on your roof and set it bowling. All the cats in the neighborhood jump for it, and it's poisoned claws kill every one it strikes.
 1 A luminous harness has been patented
 so that horse being driven at night looks
 like sheet of chain Tightening, and you
 think Elijah's chariot has come to earth
 again. There are luminous match boxes
 and luminous ghosts to scare away grave
 robbers. After every noted grave robbery
 metallic collins come in by the scores, and
 looked at one coffin surrounded by bars
 of wrought iron, binding the casket and
 extending out from it at such distance
 that when set in the earth it would be i'm.
 possible to move it except by derrick.
 The inventions for smokers are so many
 that division of the patent office has to
 be given up to them. One of the most
 curious of pipe inventions is rest or brace
 by which the weight of the pipe is taken
 off the teeth and rested on the chin. There are umbrellas which can be turned into pipes, and pipes which can be turned into
 canes, and there are perhaps hundred Inventions for the cutting off of ends of cigars, some of which are probably valua- ble.
 The lovers gate consists of gate which
 will swing both ways, and which can be lowered and raised to suit the size of the lovers. On the same principle is the ad- unstable pulpit, which will fit all kinds of
 preachers. The pulpit runs up and down on pillar by spring, and by pressing
 button the preacher can raise it to his height
 or lower it to suit.
 There is a patent machine here for forc-
 ing hens to lay eggs, and there are numer- ous ones for the prevention of their eating
 their own eggs or breaking them. Many
 of the patent hens nests have five or six
 false eggs glued to their bottom, and the
 innocent hen drops her egg on trap which lets it slide down into a box beneath, whereupon the trap springs back and the
 nest is ready for second laying. There is one branch of the patent office known as that of COW tail holders. There are pa- [ tents for horses tails as we'll as cows' tails. The most curious among them, however, , the patent of Yankee who has invented
 an adjustable false tail for horses. . A western man has patented shield to , prevent horse from being cut by wire 7 fences, and this consists of sort of armor
 of padded cotton or leather, which is strap- , ped around the neck, breast and front legs
 of the horse. Another way of preventing l horses from hurting themselves on these 5 fences is found in the electrical division. l The wires are charged with electricity, and t when the horse goes against them he gets l a shock which drives him back. In the 3 same division there is an electric plan for preventing horses from cribbing. The : manager is charged with electricity, and F the moment the horse attempts to crib he 5 gets shock. Then there is chicken t hobbler, consisting of a spring attached to l hens leg, which, if the hen attempts to scratch, will move her onward, and will ill H. l r,~x1,ko og& &ha a The patents to make women beautiful
 are numerous. There are face powders by
 the hundreds and bust improvers by the . scores. The nose improver is one of the - most curious of the crazy patents. It has I made, it is said, fortune for it's inventor, . and it consists of metal shell formed of l two parts, which are connected by hinge. 8 The shape of its inside is that of a perfect nose, aduiline, Roman or Grecian, as you v prefer, and it does all it's work at night 9 The patent states that the nose should be : first well bathed in warm water and then ] greased with olive oil until it is thorough t ly softened. After this the improver is to , be attached and the person using it is to go v to bed and sleep until morning. At first
 it is said the operation is somewhat pain f full, but this wears off in few nights, and l the soft carriage of the nose soon begins to : assume the form of the beautiful shape of ] the improver. At the end of eight weeks , you have brand new nose, which remains ! with you until you get tired of it, when l you buy different style of improver, and ] come out in new nose, quite different g from your last one, but still beautiful. 5 Restaurant keepers have long been troubled as to how to get even with their } boarders. Josephine Driat of New York g has got out patent for them. It consists t of table and stools, both of which run on q an endless chain. The diner comes in,
 takes a seat on a stool, pays his twenty five
 cents for meal, and it is set before him. ) The table then begins to move and the man
 moves along with it. It continues to move 7 him along until he gets to the other end
 of the room, and at this time he is SUD-
 posed to have finished his meal, for his ' dishes slide off around a wheel and his 2 stool slides out with him. There is an z endless chain of these stools, and the pro. , cession of diners and dinners goes on con. tinuously.
 Curious bootjacks form another large
 class of patents, as one of these consists of
 an iron affair made in the shape of pistol,
 which you can carry in your hip pocket
 and frighten robber with upon occasion.
 There is also patent pocketbook with a
 pistol inside it. When the robber asks