Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1890-07-24
THE MARTYR BUSINESS.
SELr-ElEcTso LIVER Thinkers eAF.
FLED BY A NEW DISEASE.
The Experience OF a Patient with Amateur
Doctors who Would Poison for Pas.
tme.

When | wish TO become n martyr and
wear a weak, pickering halo which gives
no adequate protection TO the thin spot
on the back OF my head where the soil
seems to hc poor, | will advertise for the
Job, AS i feel now. II will be long
time before do the advertising. lueyer
had any ambition In that line for | well
know that the martyr business pays no
dividends. Besides. even II went into
II and made fair success, the boys
would come around aud have fun with
ms and try 10 and possibly blow II out
merely To annoy me. ! think II would
crack my sainlcd martyrdom TO be
obliged to borrow matca every half
block or so,nnd 60 around The corner out
OF tho wind 10 rplight the halo. don't
want to be locked upon rs n backslld
salnt. and therefore | am combating Mrs,
Jones efforts TO marty iize me- NV com
butlng record Is growing. aud NJ tho
same time II Is snpplng my Young life.
II Is causing mo 10 go around with an mp
pearance which Is wrecking the roputa'
ton Of the Jones family physician, Kind
hearted ladies elvc up their seats In tho
sheet cars TO tho poor sick man. alias
myself. l am no longer blihe aud gay,
nal vhcn there nre no murders IN tho
'spers some OF my morbid friends call
round 10 hear mo give groan recital,
ust by the way Of pastlme.
II 10 this state OF patent medicine
ral,h which has made me acquainted
With . tnit OF humanity which makes
10 feel like associaliny with sea SER
peuts. pink rats and other dumb animals
which src not sympathetic have dis.
covrd that next TO love, money making,
running for Office tho greatest human
p,ssion Is that OF amateur docloring
You may meet ten homeless. peaceable.
lsw.abidlng citizens who pay their taxes
without talking anarchy aud out OF that
kumber there will DO nine who have the
clothes Of gentlemen but tho souls OF
dog .posoncrs Just why tho average
man wants TO try his pet medicine gu all
his friends, regaJdlcss Of the possibilities
OF wild. volcanic misnt. Is something
for which scientists eau not account. IL
il also surprising how many men drink
rancid hair dye behind their office doors
three times per day before meals, and
whose vest pockets bulge with pills. AS
soon M | got into tho habit Of coming
down town looking like n man who
needed an an,idote learned all this
without reading II In the papers, My
nrsl bout WINS with long haired strang.
CT, WAC does not exactly fall under the
class Of amateur lucrctia Borgins. who
has been chasing me around TO try var,
lcgntcd drugs on me. lie looked at me
long time before he made his attack
unlil | grew FESTIVE under his glmlot
gaze.
Young man." he commenced, you
have something on your mind. emu SEQ
II In the lines OF care which nro furrow.
Ing your brow take great interest In
young men. aud so you will pardon my
solicltude. haven't had anything but
solicitudc TO cat for over two days. IL
YOU would but reform You will be hap.
by. Please reform, aud loan mo dollar.
half, n quarter, or dime. Do You
catch my driftg"
thought did and told him to 20
ani oil up on dougbnut holes aud charge
the same to my account. This gentle.
mans soicitude furnished u sort of tip
that l would have 10 rouge " l cared to
maintain my old.tlnic buxomness. Bnt
the real shock came when l met fine,
frank old gentleman with whom was
on n speaking acquaintance. My boy"
snid he, you look bad. You won't live