Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-07-17
WIT AND HIMOR.


! Washington Post.
Put your trust in the Lord and your
money in a trust and you'll come out
all right. Ashland Press.
McGoggin calls his room on the tenth
floor princely apartment on account
of its royal highness.
Obesity induces to inactivity. That's
probably why the fat office never seeks
the man.-Binghanton Leader.
We'll Johnnie, do you enjoy going
to SCHOOL," Its pretty good fun. l
like comm home the best, though" y
Puck.
The two great wants of the day
better mail service abroad and better
female service at home. -Burlargto'a
| Free Press.
Miss Flyppe-"Do you think a wo-
man is ever justified in swearingP''
Mrs. Watts-''Not if she is single. p
7erre Haute Express.
''Smiler is hearty laugher." Have
you been telling him funny story?''
30, no; [ have been listening to him
| tell one."-N. 7. Sun.
In the Navy; Captain How is that
fellow | cut DOWN." Doctor-''Dead,
sir" Captain-''Well, don't bury him
until he has apologized. "--Puck.
Gladys-''The freshman class seems
to have so many tall men this year. y
Jack Probably had their legs pulled
by subscription fends. Yale Record.
What are you working at now?''
said one young man to another. 'Notf-
ing" 1T strikes me you ought to have
had that done by this time. - Washing
tom Post.
Eastern Boy-'Did you ever play
football?n Western Boy (watching the
game)-"No; but I once got caught in
drove of stampeded mules. IN Y.
Weekly.
Lawyer explaining to client)-
"Well, now, my dear, to tell you the
truth" Client (bouncing up and
out)-''You are no lawyer. Wash
iaagtOn Star.
You should air your apartments if
| you wish to rent them. Mrs. Browne, "
said the agent. you know what
Hamlet said Flat stale and unprofita-
| BILE. "-Puck.
Chairman of Committee-"We want
| a watch worth 800 to offer as a prize
in an amateur athletic contest"
Jeweler-"One that will cost about
$50. suppose. Life.
Nov, Katy, how many kinds of
poetry are there?" ''The lyric, the
dramatic, and the-e-epi" Elsie
(breaking no, I know! The cpl
demic. "-Fliegeaade B1atter.
Tonsorial Artist Gnsinuatingly)-
But your hair sir, comes clear down
to your coat collar" Stubborn Victim
lin that case I'll have the coat collar
cut down. DRY Goods Chronicle.
Biones-'.I don't like De links. You
can't believe a word he says" Giles
s'What do you think of his brother?n
Biones "Unbearable. He always tells
the truth. ''-Llppinco|s Magazine.
Its queer how often you read of
actors wives trying to commit suicide. "
Yes" replied Muriatic, ''but may be
they sit out in front sometimes and
look at the play. = Washington Post.
Professor What is the difference
between knowledge and conceitp"
| Student knowledge is what we our
selves know; conceit is what the other
fellows think they know."-N. Y.
| Press.
"Doctor--"Te you the truth, I'm
heartily sick of my profession. If you
only knew how many fools come to me
| for advice" Frankleigh-''I never
| thought of it before, but it does seem
foolish, that's fact. "-Boston 11'a'a-
| script.
The Doctor-'I have wondered if it
be possible for there to be any lawyers
il heaven" The LAWYER really
IS pity to think that you shall never
| be able to find them. "-Ierre Haute
Express.
He was not much good for speed
formerly said the proprietor of very
| 1ejected-looking horse ''but [ think
he's making record now" "How's
that?', He is dying fast. p Washing
ton Press.
Merchant (to his clerk)-'How can
| you take your hat off to that man when
you know how he has cheated me?"
How can [ help taking my hat off to
any man who can cheat you?"-F'tle-
ge,ade Blatter.
Mother MY boy 1 didn't mean to
whip you so hard Willie (who has
been stealing jam) That's all right,
ma. l didn't get quite enough jam
anyhow, and Til 90 and get little
more."-N. Y San.
Briggs-''Do you ever have to tell
your wife where you have been when
you are out late O nights?'' Braggs-
20, no.; she is not unreasonable. She
is perfectly satisfied to know where l
haven't been. "-Terre Haute Express.
I'm going to make speech to-
private secretary to his wife. You
make speech?" Yes: I'm going to
make it tonight and Mr.. Blank will
| deliver it tomorrow Washington
| Post.
Husband-.Ain' you ready yet?"
Wife-''I'll be ready in minute. I've
only got one glove to put on" Hus-
| band (sighing) Of those ten
button gloves. Well, I'll sit down and
write four or five more letters.-Ieras
SJtings.
| First New Yorker-"Well, we may
as well scratch Gen. Sherman's name
eff the list Second New-Yo rker-
sWhy?" F. N. Y.-''The General an
! rounces that he has his monument
selected and paid for. st. Paul
| Pioneer-Press.
| He-s'When an Indian gives present