Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-04-24
WIT AND HUMOR.


of not playing fair.-Atchison Globe.
The lovesick maiden is most always
too small for her sighs.-Binghdnato
Leader.
A horse chestnut-''I've got a sure
tip for you on the next race. Wash
iragton Post.
Hes chip of the old block" rs
he? What stick his father must be?"
-Harper's Bazar.
'All the world loves a lover"-except
the young lady's father and the dog
Burlington Free Press.
Only truly selfish man can realize
fully how utterly selfish other men can
be.-SonaervilLe Journal.
Some people who were never success
full at anything else make very success
full ADMINISTRATION Globe.
The impression that tooth-powder is
made by grinding the teeth we find to
be erroneous.-Binghana Republican.
The world seldom looks to see the
kind of tracks you left behind, provided
you only get there.-MilDauEee Jour-
nal.
The goat seems to have achieved the
distinction of being the head worker of
the animal kingdom. - Biaaghanato,a
Leader.
Many coffiu is covered with roses
by hands that never before gave its oc-
cupant anything but thorns.- Memphis
appeal.
Mrs. Cumso-'Is all our tea import
ed from China, John?" 20, no; we
raise our own repartee." = BRAKES
Magazine.
Yeast-''Do you play chess?" Grim
sonbeak-"Well,n no; can't say that I
play it. l work at it occasionally.
Yoaakers Statesman.
She (tragically) - Take back the
heart that thou gavest." He-"Never
mind the heart-just fork over that
diamond g.''-Epoch.
II hear your husband is quite gal
liant. Do you ever find any letters in
his pocket" Only the ones 1 give
him to mail. IN. 7. San.
1t is no particular credit to Adam
that he never chewed tobacco. There
was no other man for him to beg a
ClldW Ol.-- od1S Ott6CIyS.
The road to happiness and the road
to misery follow the same course. The
difference is in the travellers, not in the
road travelled. Transcript.
Dawdle-'Have cigarette?" Addle
No! Thank YOU" Dawdle-''No!
Sworn off?n Addle-'No! Life in
surance has run out "-L0aOeW NeaUs
In five minutes woman can clean
up mans room in such way that it
will take him five weeks to find out
where she put things. Atch5son Globe.
Arrange my hair, Felicie, while l
take lunch" Every well, madame;
what color will you wear?' my black
hair; am going to a funeral."-Le
Figaro.
Boss-"You run the place for a few
weeks and let me be bartender" Bar
tender" Whatjer want to do that for?"
Boss I'D like to have a crack at the
profits. IN. Y. Sun.
',Have you read Smithers' bookP"
mo" why, you said in your review
that it was great story" ''Well, that's
all right Smithers told me that him.
self. "-Harper's Bazar.
Misery says if the telegraph COM
panies charge their wires as they do
their customers he doesn't wonder that
it gives man a shock to touch one
Bi7aghdnaton Republican.
Young Mr.. Schainstein-''Do you
dinl1 dot marriage vas a vailure, Oncle
Moses?' Uncle Moses OFF you make
monsh Ply marrying it vas as goot as a
vailure my poy."-Los0eU Citizen.
Mr.. Crosswise i wish | were
deadr' Mr.. G oodeye-''L Look out. there!
There's an electric wire down" Mr..
Crosswise - "Thanksn' goes fifty
yards around it.)-Portland West Shore.
Noted Anarchist Gin midst of violent
harangue) 1--WE comes to countree to
better our conditions, und vat do dey
offer us de very first ding? Vat say?'
. Voice Gin rear of halD--'' Soap. IN
7. Weekly.
1t is always when the minister comes
to your house to dine that you find that
the hired girl has left a moth-eaten pie
plate in the middle of the pile of china
plates that she has set before you.-
SOnaerville Journal.
Stager-"The critics have been very
complimentary to me. They all say
that in my last performance I deserve
, word of praise" Gall-''Yes, so
see ;but | notice that none of them give
it to you. "-Boston Transcript
E Nearsighted Old Gentleman-"Can
i. you tell me what that inscription is on
D that board over there?" Resident
Sure, Dim in the same boat. sor!
{ Twas mighty little schoolin' Oh had
!. whin Oh was bye mesilfn'
: ilhooly-"Pat, yez 'ud betther be
| lookin' afther Brophy. He do be tellin'
= me he has turrible grudge furninst
yez." ''Mush., who cares:
: Brophy niver paid me anything he
r owed me yet!'-Laa0rerace american.
-. Friendship may be compared to ar
old suit of clothes; you never miss it il
wearing the new, but as much cannot
4 be said of love. Love may be compared
to porous plaster; after it is no Longer
useful it sticks and annoys and is nasty
: -Atchison Globe.
Jimmy Pert-"Say, Mr.. Noodles,
! want to tell you what sister said abou
! YOU" Mr.. Noodles-''Go ahead, Jim
: my, Tn all ears That's just wha
sister said. Why, how did YOU guess?'
. What do you mean?" She said YOU
were regular donkey."-Laoorenc
: american.
e Biggs-''Old Mr. Dresser, the tailor
e who had been in business forty years
. dropped dead the other day while tax