The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-12-02
BILL NYR's
Misery of the Guest and the Presiden,
The Chair for Appearances Only.
OSte sibe PetersOn's LGudabe Ambition
Hints o" Table Etiquette" HiFs
Manual Of Penmanshtp"
Other Things
Noted.
Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.l

Mass writes as follows:
:" have just attained my majority, aud
feel ready to enter up the duties Of life
with great zest, there are a great many
things of which I would like to know
more of. I learn with great rapidity,
and now know as much useful knowledge
as many men who are3 twice my age
knows.
81 want to know more about banquets,
and how to appear and speak at them.
We think of having one here soon. 1
wish you would give me a few points, for
you certainly must be- authority on these
things. Will you answer through the
papers, so as that others which may wish
to know more of this matter may also
have thu opportunity ?"
Su cess in life is net due so much to in
herent genius as it is to the ability to go
to the right place for what you want to
know You have sh own the first quail
fcation necessary to success. Ostensi ole,
and you deserve 70 win. You may be in
rather \ nebulou5 and gummy state men
tally, but you know where to go for in
formation anyhow.
Bsnquets, according to "Hilrs Manual
of Penmsnship, Callsthenics, Etiquette,
Common Law and Diseases of horses"
are given in h )nor either of some noted
occasion or some dis -inguished foreigner
or pro ninent citizen, generally by an or
ganization or association of men"
The guest of the evening nay be readily
discovered by his i'll conceal I'd anguish.
He smiles on all with the same bright and
bubbling Joy that is felt by a man who
canvasses the Internal regions in the in
terests of a large powder works, carrying
his samples with him from point to point.
He tries to jot down a few points on
the back o. a menu, sweetens his con
somme and tries to look tickled, but the
horror of his own fermenting thought
w )rks, aud the sharp prong7 on his I'M
born speech take away his appe lite, and
his bright, au omatic smile, frozen upon
his white features, looks Ike the mrth on
the face of an ice cream judas Iscariot.
Every banquet has its presiding officer,
who may or may not be gifted In that
way. Some men are born banqueting,
while others have ~banqueting thrust upon
them. 1t is so with presiding. Some
presidents will make even the guest feel
comfortable, viii e others seem to be
placed at the head of the table to keep a
tally of the grub consumed. A ger erous
and hospitsble heart cannot be acquired
Just al we are about to fork over cur
souls to the great grand jury at the end
of life, and so no man can b : the mere
acquisition of property or position alter
his entire disposition in the afternoon of
his existence. You have n , doubt visited
at houses, MI. Peterson, where the hos
seemed to hang On every word you said,
but kept moving the cuspidOre around
with you wherever you wei t, for fear
you might lapse into barbarism at any
moment and spit behind the OUNCE. You
have visited, doubtless, OStensible, at
places where the entire visit was q gentle
repro 4ch t)'you, where the host made it
easy for you by example, so that would
know what finger bowls and such things
were used for.
I have.
Possibly there is an air about me which
tempts people of great refinement to
watch me ~nervously while | eat, and keep
their more toothsome children out of my
re 4ch. | Am a plain man, born in obscur-
ity-in the dark of the moon-but when
my friends visit me [ do not wat h the
furniture with apprehension when they
use it, or start up wildly when an yer
wrought chair cracks.
However, / will make one exception.
We have at home, rather against my
wishes, what is called a reception chair.
You have seen them, no doubt, OstensiOle
1t is really a trick chair. 1t looks we'll in
the bay window of a furniture store, and
for any other but sitting purposes is quite
a su cess. I sat in it once, WITHOUT per
mis- 81 N, however, and it took me three
weeks to get ba k within sight of the
throne of grace. It is a slight, nervous,
sanguine chair, with Queen Anne back
and Sarah Bernhardt limbs to it. It does
not weigh over a pound when in condition,
and should be given to a guest who does
not know enough to go home until filled
with No. 2 bird shot
But we were speaking of the gift OF
entertaining-I was about to say the
divine gift of entertaining, for it is, if
success al, a quality that cannot be &C.
quired. Acquired %politeness when not
associated with natural usefulness cannot
fool any one but the neatly and Obtuse. /
know of a man who will go along for
days and days without violating a rule,
and hen he will forget himself at table
and imagine. that he is feeding the same
old J. 1. Case threshing machine that he
fed in his younger days.
Banqueting is sometimes carried to ex-
cess, but the no. you banquet The better
you can do it finally. Take me and Gen
eral Sherman, for instance. We really do
n t save a cent by the meals we tak9 that
way, for we are getting 20 that we eat
very little at banquets. He used to like
a great many rich v~ictuals, and so did 1,
but now we take the plain cooking or
nothing. / used to eat red sweet cake
and green ice cream a good deal at first as
the guest of the evening, but now l wait
till the bacon and pone comes around, AID
then eat very little else unless etewed
currants should be served. If 80, 1 eat
some of them on my brea1 washing this
down with a glass of old Rhenish butter
milk.
On taking your seat at the table you
will find at the side Of your plate a bou-
quet, or ~buttonhere, as the French call it.