St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1890-03-23
A HORRIBLE DREAM.
A Globe Photographer Has a
Rip Van Wrinkle Night
mare,
And Dreams the Newspaper
"Horses" Have Been Rid
den to Death;
The Police Commission, and
Board of Trade Have
Quit;
Kilyington Dead, Burrell and
Morrill, Reformed--A
Metamopph0Sis.

humorous notes for the GLOBE about
persons, places and things of general
interest. The paragraphs are sup
posed to be humorous, that is, am paid
to write them so, but no man has as ye
been able to see the fun in any of them.
But, heretofore, the editor has been
satisfied with them, and that was all
that was needful. have entered into
this explanation concerning myself In
order THAT all the readers of the GLOBE
this morning may fully understand and
appreciate my situation, since my lines
have recently fallen in hard places.
A couple of weeks ago l went
away on vacation, which was
pleasantly spent in looking for an
idea, and the time passed quickly,
although did not find what sought.
All too soon it was time to return to my
desk, and | returned forthwith. My
search had carried me far from the
haunts of civilized men, SO that | had
lost all knowledge of the march OF
events and the plug hat brigade, and
was totally unpreparei for the blow
which fell upon my pOmpadOur and
crushed. at one fell sw0op, my pros
poets in life. l carelesSly str0lled
into the office on the afternoon on which
| was to resume work, gaily warbling a
tew catchy notes from the ''Gondoliers,"
and was Immediately caught. There on
my desk. reposing peacefully beside my
corn-cob pipe, was the cuteSt little note
imaginable. What futter seized my
heart as picked it up! opened 1t,
read, and then the note ffuttered-to the
floor. 1t was thirty day note cOuched
in the following chaste language:
My Dear Stub; We take pleasure in giving
you q months notice of your discharge. We
don't want you any more.
FAUNTLERoY MoGINTY.
City Editor.
That was all, but oh, how expressive
it was! With pain in my heart and
II cents cash in my pocket, sought the
editor to know the reason for this cruel,
cutting. crushing. deadening blow
which had fallen upon me, all earnest
worshiper at the shrine of Fame. l
found him, unconcernedly slipping
champagne frappe and putting fragrant
Havanas, three boxes for dollar. In
agonized accents, which revealed my
Italian descent, told my tale of woe.
He listened calmly, an expression of
pity sweeping athWart the quarter deck
of his cOuntenance, then with Del
sartean wave of his arm he said, and
his voice was as sweet as that of
bridge square auctiOneer rounding up
the suckers:
''My dear Stub, it's too bad. know.
But what else can we do? Things have
changed greatly since you have been
away. The millennium is just about
upon us. There is no material left tor
you to build Jokes upon. All of the old
Josh marks have been wiped out of ex
istence."
"Whatw almost screamed. "What
has become of the city council?''
''All of the aldermen have taken a
solemn oath to do nothing which will
bring their names into the papers. OF
course they did nothing most of the
time before, but now they will do no h
ing all the time. They have discovered
that, If they try to do things right, they
are irretrievably swamped through
ignorance of what is right, and, if they
attempt to act crooked, they are caught
at it, so they have given up doing any
thing"
was stunned for an instant, but eX
istence depended upon those para
graphs, and was determined to rot
give MP without struggle. l began to
crOSs-questlon.
"Where is the police commission?" l
inquired. with fear anG trepidation i'll
Busted. Gone up the fue. Dead.
Babb was caught hobnobbing over milk
purchases with Dick Huntington.
Guile Joined the church. GjerJSen was
afraid to join hands with either.
He thought there was scheme out to
do hin up and he refused to do any
thing"
what has become of Patricio Henri
GibbonsW
''Pat has committed suicide. He
tried to get up plug hat parade, so
| that ne could be marshal of it. but his
Milesian friends went back on him.
Then he tried to get into politics. but
some one called him bovine assassin
| and he subsidized. The newspapers re-
| fused to recognize him and the slight
| broke his heart"
''How about Doc Kilvington?"- ray
! of hope entering my breast at thought
of the hustlng health officer.
HE met DIR. Ripley on the inspection
prairie and was placed horS du combat
within twenty minutes and mile and
a quarter of the city limits. Then he
| thought for two consecutive weeks for
new scheme to spring upon the pub
| lie and thereby regain lost prestige, but
it would not come, so he resigned, and
is now in training for retired life.''
The editor struck match and an
attitude. At last had him.
'sDr. Burrell and Golightly Morrill,
are still here" [ said, with 22carat
| ring of triumph in my voice.
Eyes, but no good. DR.. Burrell has
become convert and has subscribed
for the SUNDAY GLOBE. On Sunday
| mornings he always takes his text from
| the Gall Sorts" column. AS for Go
lightly he has frlzzled out. He and
Roger Vail met in mortal combat on
the stage between st. Paul and Fort
Smelling and Golightly was so affected
| by Rogers mellifiuous voice and choice
diction that he fell upon the latter'S
neck and wept, and the two swOre eter-
nal friendship"
| 1t seemed truly Incredible that so many
changes could have taken place during
| my short vacation, but my position was
at stake, for if l could not retain it
| | could not get steak. so | rallied.
You don'tmean to say that the South
side market affair is settled?"
Yes. The South siders could not
agree upon market, so they agreed
to mark it postponed indefinitely"
"And Librarian Putnam, what OF
him?''
she got tangled in his cloak of re.
serve and seIf-esteem and Smothered to
DEATH"
But rosy-cheeked' and iceberg
Sam Morton still"
mo good. Sam has painted his face
green with envy of Al Spaulding, and
always wears stone in his hat so thai
it will always look stove in and excite
| sympathy
Surely the new electric line re.
MAINS"
THE police have orders to arrest any
one making crack about the lines
they being considered enough of a
menace to public life in themselves"
''But the summer is coming on and
the ball crank
"Will not turn this year. Every ball
player who never felt better in his life
| has, been coming to Minneapolis this
spring, and the public is just a wee bill
weary of such people-they are such
disappointments. Then Jack Bennett
has lost his voice. and bail game with
out Jack and his advice to the umpire,