Dodge City times., 1890-05-16
WIT AND HUMoR.
A skillful cook Is the most popula1
Of all interior decorators.-Lye.


man when it is too late in the game to
do him any good.-Puck.
Speaking of hunting, sewing-so-
cieties are great promoters of dear
talking.-Ras6urg Chronicle.
Does farming pay? o. yes; if you
60 at it right it helps to pay the inter-
est on the mortgage.-Puck.
"You say that drinking is one OF
your husbands failings?" IF Failings?
o, no. 1t is one of his successes."-
Life.
It's not the coat that makes the man
its the name of the tailor on the lit
tie tag at the back of the neck.-1otedc
Blade.
She-What do you suppose supports
the vast arch of the heavens?" He
THE moon-beams. l guess."-Lowell
Citizen.
The man who said that he would
rather make the songs than the laws OF
. country had his eye on the lay of the
land.-Puck.
The fine Italian hand" so much
discussed, is most frequently visible in
connection with the barrel-Organ-
Washington Capital.
The wise King said: go to the ant,
thou sluggard!" In Florida the ant
saves the sluggard the journey. -
Florida Times Union.
Loafer-''How are you? just thought
I'd drop in while to kill time" Busy
MAXWELL. we don't want any other
time killed. d."-LdUrence american.
Mrs. Tathill-"I saw your wife out
riding with another man this after
noon" Mr.. Tubbs (excitedly)-"You
did! Did they have my horse?-LJe.
Jackson. ..Mrs. Henpeck tells me
she gained six pounds while she was in
the mountains" Henpeck = That's
nothing; l gained twelve while she was
away.eLye.
Teacher-"Anonymous means with
out name; write a sentence showing
you understand how TO use the word. ~
Small Girl (writes)-.'Our new baby
is anonymous. Life.
Mrs. Watts-''What q sweet child
your Willie is. He's a perfect little
angel, l think" Mrs. Potts-s.No,
not quite. He takes after his father in
some ways" ."-Terre Haute Express.
Caller-"Why don't you try Chris
tian science for Fido? You know how
much it did for our baby" Hostess
"Yes; but / can't afford to fool with
the life of that dog. Why. he cost
$45."-Judge.
Servant-"Will madam speak little
lower?" Mistress What is the mat
ter? Have any of tho children been
taken sick?" Servant-..No, ma am;
but this is the hour for Fido's after
noon nap."-Judge.
Private Bullion of the "Elite Guards"
-"Ah, a uniform is the thing to catch
the hearts of the dear creaturesw His
Valet-"Right you are, sor. was on
the pillace foorce meself, wanst. -
Ierre Haute Express.
Eight colleges have been built in
Kansas during the last year. This sort
of thing will 60 on until the Sunflower
State will have to import all of its farm
hands and kitchen girls from Missouri.
Kansas City Star.
Mr.. Crankwrestle- tell YOU l
can't stand this smell of cooking cab
bage in the house." Mrs. Crankwres-
tle-'It isn't half so bad as l have to
put up with when you smoke it in the
house. e."-Iown Topics.
Johnny y-"What did the minister
mean when he said something about a
place where thieves do not break
through and steal?" Mr.. Dumpsey-
HE referred to your mothers dress
pocket. et."-Lawrence american.
Bjones do you heat your
house. Jsmith?" Jsmith-"With hot
water" 'Bjones ''Why. i didn't
know there were any pipes in the
house." Jsmith-' Well, you knew I
was married, didn't you?"-Tfme.
Many a woman dusts billiard chalk
off her husbands coat with big drops
of tears in her beautiful eyes. as she re-
fleets how hard and how late he has to
work at his desk close to that nasty
whitewashed wall.-Richmond Recorder.
Mrs. Popinjay-'I see by the paper
that newly married pair in Michigan
are taking their bridal trip in a row.
boat" Mr.. Popinjay-'.Huh! I'll bet
before the trip Is ended it will be all
oar between them."-Buriingto Free
Press.
Lady of the House-'No. l make it a
principle never to give away money at
the door," Tramp = Very well.
madam. if you have any feeling about
it, l am perfectly willing that you
should hand it to me out of the win
dow."-Ydle Record.
Chippie-"Yaas, Gladstone is gweat
man but I'D wather be Bwight, dom
cherknowr' Chappie-''John Bwight
is dead, deah boy" "Aw, mean the
fellah who introduced Bwight disease,
The Pwince has taken it up, doncher-
knowr'-Bost0n Times.
John. bring me a glass of hot
punch" Servant (bringing it) d
think this is not quite hot enough, sir"
"How do you know that? You must
have tasted it." Indeed, no sir;
would not do such a thing; l tried il
with my fingers. ."-Fliegende Biaetter.
The Rev. o, P. Ate Brother Snor
er, don't you think your influence
would be greater if you were to remain
awake during the sermon. Deacon
Snorer-'.No, can't says l do, Parson.
The Good Book says, He giveth His
beloved sleep you know Toledo
Blade.
'How to invest money safely Is the
question most people find of the great
est interest,"" says an editor, who evil
IDENTIFY did not mean to pun; but he il
wrong. The question that most peO-
pie find of the greatest interest is how
to get money to invest.-Somerrills
Journal.
Mr.. Junior Feeling the necessity Of
saying something pleasant on the way
TO the ballroom )-"Er, may ! admire
that gown, Miss 2lainfayce?" Miss
you may ad.
mire my clothes as much as you like"
Mr.. Junior-"O, of course it could g
NO further. ."-7Imc.
One of the remarkable things in Utah
is a mountain near Salt Lake City COM
Pletely covered by oyster shells.
orppn mail AGENT IN tho RaadinO