Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-05-11
WIT AND HUMoR.

auu VIC GRACEFUL Utility Ol Tie HtOucHt
have thoroughly become comprehended.
WIT AND HUMoR.
The sweetest thing in dresses Lasses.
"Was Washington polished writer ~
"Well, he used to knock the Kings Eng
lish silly"
Widows are like the lights which have
always burned-they catch fire more easily
than others.
An exchange speaks of man who has a
millions never come round.
You can always tell "rising young man.
in crowded car. He is the one who lets
some one else do the rising.
Paterfamilias-"My boy, George Wash
ipgton couldn't tell lie"
The Boy-"Naw, ner he couldn't pitch
curve"
When we hear lady say that her cloak
buttons to her chin we somehow seem to
regret that the buttons do not extend a
little higher.
He-"The fools are not all dead yet"
She-"That's rs true as you live"
And he couldn't understand why she
emphasized the "you."
"What is posterity doing for us ?"
"Well, Pll tell you," said Chollie's
father. "My posterity is helping me to
get rid of the surplus"
''Did you pass the last examination ?"
said Senator to his rather rapid son.
"Well, er-no; didn't Just exactly pass
it. I laid down my hand, as it were."
Milkman Ito applicant for situation)-
"Yo ou have had experience, have you ?'
Applicant-"Oh, yes, sir" "On which
side of cow do you sit to milk ?" "The
outside, sir"
The iceman's hired man may now be
seen in the early morning studying dog
cared arithmetic. He is learning the table
of troy weight in preparation for the sum-
mer delivery.
She-"We really must call on the
Finklesteins, dear; we've owed them
call SO long," He-'If 1 owed Finkle-
stein nothing but call, love, I'd have re-
turned it long ago"
Judge-"Does the prisoner wish to en-
ter plea of guilty?"
Prisoner-"No; my attorneys speech
has already convinced me of my inno-
cence."
Mrs. Globetrot-"So your three daugh-
tiers have been married since left /"
Mrs. Homebody-"Yes. Clara married
a Count, Marie married millionaire, and
Nellie married for love-"
GLOW are you getting on with your new
house ?"
81 have had to tear it down."
"What was the matter ?"
at wasn't built the way my friends
wanted it."
ri hear" remarked Gilroy to friend,
shat you received an ovation at your lee
ture the other night"
eyes," replied the lecturer, ri did re-
ceive an ovation, but some of the ova were
very STALE"
Woman (who has given tramp slice
of bread and butter)SaWhat's the matter,
amt the bread good~
Tramp - "The bread is pretty fair,
ma'am, but Eve eaten better axle-grease
than this"
The little rascal got spanked for hanging
his hat up on the floor. "There,p said the
mother, snow, do you know where to put
your cap? ??
81 know where 1 wish L had put it," an
swered the hopeful.
81 love the gushing of the tide" he said
pensively, as he stood on the beach at
Newport.
'The tied gush too much. l think the
single girls are more prudent" she an
swered, with sigh.
Little Brother-"Can't you walk straight,
Mr.. Manglew Mr.. Mangle-aOf course /
can. Why do you ask? Little Brother
'Oh, nuthin'; only heard sister say she'd
make you walk straight when she married
you. And ma said she'd help her."
The sermon was fearfully dry, and half
the congregation was doing. "Why don't
you follow their example ?" whispered one
sitter to an unnaturally wide-awake man
next to him. "You see 1 can't with any
courtesy. don't belong to this church."
She Gust taking vocal lessons )-"Henry,
dear, won't you have double windows put
on all over the house? My singing may
disturb the neighbors."
He-"Well, if it does, it strikes me
that the neighbors are the ones to buy the
double windows"
Papa-"How are you progressing in
your language lessons, Ethel ?"
Ethel-aOh, 1 have learned to say
Thank you,' and If you please in
French"
Tommy-"That's more than you ever
learned in English"
Widow-"Now, my dear sir, promise me
your vote on this bill"
Congressman-"But my dear madam,
II
Widow-"Now, look me in the eye and
promise"
Congressman Madam, the eyes have
it."
Picacho Dan dragging in his scrubby
)-"What d yer learn here ?n
The Reading, writing, arith-
metic and algebra"
Picacho Dan-"I kinder like th' sound
of that last one. Run this kid on that till
this bag of dust gives out, and then Pll
run in an stake him fer one of th' Other
fakes"
Employer (violently)-I am told that
you are great liar, sir; that it is impos-
sible for you to speak the truth. Is that
SO?
Employe (humbly)-'T am afraid it is,
SIR"
Employer (radiantly)-aGive me your
hand, you have been maligned. You
speak the truth"
Smith, say, Brown, do you ever in
vest in the lottery?"
Brown-"Yes; 1 send them dollar
every month"
smith-"Do you ever get anything in
return ?"
Brown-"Well, yes"
Smith-"What do you get ?"
Brown-"A ticket"
"They tell me, Jobbins, your son is
becoming quite an expert on the violin.
What move is he the most effective in 2"
"The unanimous movement"
"The unanimous movement? Never
heard Of that before in association with
music"
didn't, eh? Well, Jim produces it.
Come around to the house some evening
and wait until he begins to play you'll
see how unanimously the boarders move
out of range"
Near Boston, Ga, there lives an extern
sive family by the name of Grower. One
Donultarif about tbo.~ g. 49, :4-