The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-08-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

~ thhfS fitOAC lbHU n NEft-rtAt&AS
shirt-front 10 make a polished gentle
mau.--k -keartIey Enterprise.
We sometimes hear of the spirit of
hope. but hope is no spirit; It's only an
ghaDaton Lender.
On the question of the Introduction
of the European influenza into this
country the eyes and nose will have it.
LotceH Courier.
Billings-"I understand yon are an
agnostic, Thempkinsn Thompkins
(politieian) )-..Only before the grand
jury. my boy. ."-7srre Haufe Express.
He is poor excuse OF a man who
cannot convince his wife that he Is q
genius. before marriage. Afterwards
but well let that pass.--Ihiiadeipltia
Press.
1t Is said that '.men are the archi-
teets OF their own fortunes. This ex-
plains why so many of them fail, for
but few get beyond the nave.-Phiia-
detphia Press.
Mrs. H-s.Maggie. where do you
suppose you will go TO II you tell such
falsehoods as thise'' Maggie -..Sure.
ma'am. don't care; have frinds in
ayther place."
N<boh HElts Shta ki1e AdttiGI I'D tttS
tramp. LET me iist give you a pinter
-" .But don't want piater."
replied the tourist. Il want quarter"
-1erTe Hante Express.
Women and Wine are often classed
together by the poets. but we have
never yet heard of poet who claimed
that both of them improved with age.
burlington Free Press.
sAlone with God and her lead PEN
cil' is the only opportunity a woman
has to sharpen II without being told
she doesn't know how and never will.
/ Hutchinson (Ras.) Netos.
There Is great difference in poker
players. There's the man who can
+ play poker aud there's the man who
thinks he can. The latter is the one
who has TO write a cbeck.-Iihe Epoch.
A good many people publicly thank
+ the Lord for their prosperity who would
/ be mad If somebody should suggest
that they were not mainly responsible
for it Somerriiie Jour1sai.
Perhaps the advice of a certain dear
old lady applies 10 etiquette as we'll as
to other affairs of life. Speak the
truth always" she was wont to say,
''but speak ii gently. ~ Youths Coia-
pdnion.
What makes the tea so weak. Mrs.
McKerrel2a asked Funnywit. the wag
of our boarding-house. s.It's been
listening to your jokes about the hash,
] reckon" replied Mrs. McKerreL-
Burdette.
Kind Lady Ito drunken wayfarer)-
.Dear sir. the Good Book tells US not
to look upon the wine when il is red. !"
Drunkard Don't see how / can;
blind (hic) drunk .n-KearRey En-
teyprise.
Poet-''Have you read my latest
effusioHPn Candid Friend-..So,
have not We are friends. and don't
want to do anything that is likely to
lower my opinion of you -"-Binghanp-
ton Herald.
Griggs-..Do YOU mean to tell me
there is no money in literature? Look
at Dawson; he's worth his millions. !"
Penman-.Dawson? What did he ever
write?" Griggs-'.Nothing; he's pub
Usher. r."-Boston Posi-.
Florence Cooking at some bonnets in
the milliner's window = 20. Jen'l
aren't they lovelyi' Jennie Cooking
across the street)-.Yes. indeesii Is
pecially the one with the side " hiskers.' =
Laurence american.
Adorer (after rebuke by the old
1adv)-..I didn't kiss you. / only pre-
tended / was going to. Why did YOU
call to your mother?" Sweet Girl (re-
pentantly) Ill didn't know she WIS
in the house."-N. I. Weekly.
"How will you have it bound pr
asked the binder of a man who had
brought in dictionary to have new
covers put on. Il think it would he
appropriate to have it spellbound. .
was the reply.-Pi Pitts6urg Chronicle.
Mabel-.'Let's play house; I'll be the
mother" George-"Yes, and I'll he
the father" Clara-"And I'll be the
cook" Mabel and George Indignant
ly)-''Yes. that's just you'll You al
ways want to be boss of everything
Life.
In Court-tPrisoner. have you any
thing to say in your defense?" Your
Honor. / beg you to consider. before
pronouncing the sentence. that the
only reason steal is SO as not to be
loafing about the streets all day
Fiiegende Blatter.
Wickars-"If you don't let up on
your drinking. Vickars. one of these
days you will be having snakes" +"
Vickars-..Na. won't. / drink moth
ing but imported Irish whisky, and
there can't be any snakes in that. you
now."-Ierre Hdnte Erpress.
In Boston. while ago. a barber,
while innocently looking on at street
Fight, received pistol shot in his
mouth. 1t was undoubtedly fired by
some one to whom he had been in the
habit of suggesting a hair cut every
time he shaved him.-LotCeH Citizen.
First Philadelphian (yawning) =
'Pve watched the girl across the way
washing those doorsteps until I'm sick
of it. | guess I'll 20 down to the
prayer-meeting and have little ex-
citement. Will you come?r Second
Philadelphian-..'rh no. I've cot
some New York friends in town and
I've promised to show them the sights
Guess I'll AXE them down to the
morgue. ."-Latcre,..t .IBiel icdn
Won Boreall-"Did you not UNDER
stand me. Miss Lucy? | go South to-
morrow. Have you nothing to sayP"
Miss Lucy (eoolly) Yes. | can say
earnestly and from my heart that
Won B. (aside)-"Sweet girl, / knew
she'd be sorry" Miss Lucy-..That
my sympathies are entirely with the
South wi Pits BAlletin
Old Lady (reading paper-.s Shock
ing! yes, just horribly shockingi II
does beat all how these nobility cree
ters do carry on.n Birds-..How' :
that, grandma?n Old Lady-..Why, |
just read that an English Duke got a
queen full' at card party. the other
night. "-Kearney Enterprise.
Heavy Boss Ito budding genius who
never reaches the Office on time)-
Young man. owe all my success in