Waterbury evening Democrat., 1890-08-27
the FESTIVE BURGLARS.


How One M,-G Law Awake for Tive
Months to Head Him ON.
What would you do if you heard .
burglar in the house?
To me that question has occurred
million times, more or less. The first
time it flashed athwart my brain
bought Il bulldog revolver and Span
'sh dirk. On second thought added
\ baseball bat 10 the equipment and
then for six nights l lay awake plan
ming how l would softly draw on some
Indispensable garments, seize the re-
volver in ono hand, the club in the
other, and capture or otherwise dispose
Of the burglar. The dirk would carry
N my teeth saw no other way.
Strange to say, this armament and
my well-laid plans did not bring the
peace of mind l had expected. The
moro l provided around the more Agi-
lated became. Twice l shot at the
sat and once gave the hall hat-rack
wicked stab, taking it for burglar
Then my wife suggested in the inter-
ssts of my health that put up burg
lar alarm, and not get up until had to.
The blamed thing went off every time
anybody came in or went ont, day or
aight and l got so tired of the eternal
slater that cut the wires and subSti-
:uted some unpatented devices of my
own.
l hung n flat-iron on the KEY OF the
front door, so that it would fall into q
dish pan placed underneath; two pokerS
stood against the back door, arranged
SO as to fall at the slightest touch, and
at various out-of-the-way places placed
In al win
ware and other articles, so that tho
burglar would step into or against
at least fervently hoped he would
and give me warning of his advent
But these schemes didn't work much
better than the burglar alarm. Every
body knew got in the habit of calling
on me after had retired, and of course
| would forget the fiat-iron and send 1t
Gathering into the dish-pan. necessitat-
| ing awkard explanations, and once it
clattered down on my toes. The cat
made regular practice of knocking
down the burglar-warning pokers and
if my wife stepped into the alarm
| baskets once she did twenty times.
The result was that fell back on my
revolver, club and dirk. l also bought
me u watchman's rattle. Two nights
later heard Il noise and, looking out of
the window, saw man trying
my front door. l fired at him
and the answering yowl informed
me that l had missed my neighbor
Brindle, who had been sitting up with
sick man--or, at least, he said he
had. Three nights later sprang the
rattle on my wife's aunt, who came from
| Poughkeepsie on n late train, and she
was so angry that she wouldn't stay
more than three weeks and my wife
thinks we are cut out of her will.
| Things went on in this fashion for q
month or two, until the neighbors be-
gan to circulate petition asking me to
move out OF the ward. SO | told my
wife that when heard burglar in the
house the plan of campaign would be as
follows: ] would first raise the window
sash, making as much noise as possible
in doing so, and spring the rattle with
firm and determined hand. l would
then give the burglar two minutes
to leave the house. If he still
remained among the Silverware
would advance into the upper hall
beat the stair railing fiercely with the
baseball bat and fire three or four shots
downstairs. l was firmly convinced
that no burglar could withstand such a
determined attack, and after it had been
clearly outlined beyond the possibility
of q mistake l slept peacefully for the
first time in three months.
The very next morning, when went
down stairs to light the fire, encoun
tered a bare sideboard. and further
search revealed the fearful fact thai
my domicle had been ransacked from
| cellar to garrett. 1t was clean scoop
Well, there was no consolation. Now
know what would do N q burglar
broke into my house.
Id sleep N. Y. World.