The intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1887-1891, 1890-10-25

1t seems to be easier to be a Ma
poleon of Finance than to pay 100 cents
on . dollar. -Lewiston journal.
(which side did the old maid take
in the marriage discussion?" THAT mar
riage Is not a failure" Yankee Blade.
The man who runs his boots down
at the heel has a hard time keeping his
toes square with the world.-Ram's
Horn.
-Clara-'I think Fred is one OF the
most weakened fellows | aver met"
Nellie Fred's best girl)-'I don't think
so. He holds me we'll enough boston
Herald.
The Modern Great Man.-'When
were you born, Prof. Greathead." 1.-THE
nth day OF May, 1882 or 33 81 am not
sure; but you will find it in the encyclo-
p@dia."-Fliegende Batter.
-Alice-"Why, Edith, is that your"
What a pretty bonnet you have on"
Edith-"Do you think l look we'll in
itP" Alice-"Yes. indeed-I hardly
knew you."-Munsey's Weekly.
Physician Ito country editor) -
Your pulse is decidedly better. How
about your circulation?" Country Edi-
tor (absent mindedly) Circulation?
About two thousand. Subscription
price, s1.5 0 per year. "-Harper's Bazaar.
You don't know what a phenome-
o Is? Why, a COW Is no phenomenon
and an apple tree is not a phenomenon
either. but II the cow should climb tho
apple-tree, that would be a %phenome-
non."-Fliegende Batter.
-Bjohnson-''Have you bought a
| ticket to tho church fair?" Bones
mot yet; but speaking Of church fairs,
what an awful highway robbery that
was in Arizona, yesterday" Lawrence
American.
-Reader-'Yes, I liked your new
novel very we'll; but I observe the
critics do not find your characters nat
ural." Novelist-'I made those char
acters up out Of my own head" Reader
-'Ah! l see the critics think they are
rather wooden. America.
Practical Dame How much are
these fish," Marketman - "Sixteen
cents a pound, n a'am." Practical Dame
THAT seems very high, but then. I
know fishing is very lard on the consti-
tuition. Every time my husband goes
he has an awful headache the next
morning."-Good News.
Employment Agent-"Th' top o. tn
mornin' t We, Biddy Maloney. DIVE
found q place fur ye. Go to the strate
an number ye foind on this card"
Domestic-"Sure. it's n noice neighbor-
hood, Oill 60" Agent-Wait a minute,
Biddy. Take off that French cap. It's
not a French maid. but an American
CURL they wants."-N. Y. Weekly.
Awful, indeed!-Mrs. Kawler-'I'm
sorry that your husband was caught and
sent to prison for his embezzlement Of
the banks funds" Mrs. Ab-Sconder -
"Yes. and the worst of It was that in
court they put him right into the same
pen with all the cheap, petty thieves.
So degrading to a man who stole $780,
0O0."-Lawrence American.
The Importance of thinking before
you speak recently received an amusing
illustration at a meeting held in a we'll
known town not a hundred miles from
the banks Of the Hudson. One Of the
persons who occupied the stage was an
enthusiastic deacon. who frequently in
~terrupted the speakers by yelling:
THANK goodness for that!" One gem
tleman was called upon who arose and
said: Ladies' and gentlemen, | am
heart and soul in this cause, and feel
that it would be a great benefit to the
people OF this place" Thank goodness
for that" yelled the deacon. ''But,
ladies' and gentlemen" he continued,
81 am going to say that it will be impos-
sible for me to address you this evening
-" THANK good ness for THAR broke
in the absent-minded deacon, amidst
general laughtor-N. Y. Ledger.
In Drug store.
Customer want some arnica and a
box of salve.
Druggist latter putting up the arti-
cles)-Any thing else.
Customer-Yes; | want a quart ofcam-
phor and a pint of pills.
Druggist-Any thing else?
Customer-Yes; you might give mo a
peck OF vaseline and five yards of court
plaster.
Druggist-Lct's see, what are you
working at nov?
Customer-Driving team for the Get
There Nitro-Glycerine Company. - Oil
City Blizzard.
An Unswe"rnbis Argument.
Angry Conductor with hand on tho
bell-rope)-You'l pay your fare or getotr
Tramp-Statistics show that it costs
five dollars in wear an tear an steam to
stop u train. Now II you rob tn stock
holders OF this ere Dad Of five dnllars.
jest ter crafty y'r selfish spite, I'll re-
port ye to tn president.-N. y. Weekly.
~ -
Found.
The Intnllible Female Waters are a new