Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1890-05-01

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JFsTs AND YARNS By FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS
Took the Hint-An Unfailing Sign
1t Supported Him-Applies to
Both-Etc., Etc.
THE HARMoNIEs.
Inquiring Child Mamma, why did
they make General Washington's statue
of marble and General Lafayette's statue
Of bronze9
Mamma (after some thought)-1 pre-
sumo General Lafayette was brunette
New York Weekly.
DFFIcuLT FIGURING.
Census Taker-How many male mem
bers are there in this family2
Arkansas Housewife-Wall, there was
six this mornin'; but pap and tn boys
went out arter breakfas' fer scrap with
tn Muggineses, and don't know how
many there is now.-[New York
Weekly.
sELF-PREsERvATIoN.
Foreign Powers-Who owns Behring
Seaa
Brother Johnathan-Well, we own it,
but if you'll help kill off the seals SO as
to get the seal-skin sacque question out
of domestic life, you're more'n welcome.
New York Weekly.
APPLIES TO BOTH.
Collector.-'I would like to see Mr..
Jaysmith.n
Maid.-sHe's out sir"
Collector (mournfully)-'So am r.
Judge.
HER REAL WORTH.
''Oh, Henry she sighed, as she turned
her radiant face up to his, ''tell me, dar-
ling, tell me, do you love me for my
money, or for what ! am really worthf"
"Why, sweet" he fondly replied,
drawing her very near to him, 'for what
you are really worth, of course"
'sBIess you for those words" and she
nestled in his loving arms.
ssBy the way, dear" asked Henry, and
he playfully fondled her diamond ear
rings, 'ah-what are you really worthI ;
1T SUPPORTED HIN.
"You have no right to send me up al
vagrant," said lame beggar to mag
istrate.
"You have no visible means of sup
port" replied the judge.
'sWhat's the matter with this crutchs
Judge.
A BADGE OF DISTINCTION.
"I suppose you think l wear this higl
collar from dudish motives" inquired
Longnecke of his prospective employer
1T certainly looks that way"
"That is where you do me wrong, sir
Last summer, while promenading in Cen
trail Park, the menagerie broke loose. 4
gang of keepers Gagged me by mistake
while my best girl returned home witt
the, giraffe. No, am no dude "-[Dr
Goods Chronicle.
TOOK THE HINT.
'sMiss Ethel, owe you a present,
said her timid lover; INLAY / ask the siz
of your glovesa"
Ethel-Six is my real size, but-bu
my hand will bear squeezing.
He squeezed it then and there, the ras
cal -[Chatter.
AN UNFAILINa SIGN.
Gamekeeper Ito waitress) Marie
another pint-but the same pewter
mindl
Waitress Yes, sir; besides, we ca
always tell your pewter!
Gamekeeper-How so2
Waitress-By the handle-it is a
ways warm! M [Schwabisches Wochel
blatt.
Many are the tears that fall,
But the saddest of them all
Are the tears which slowly sneak
To your chin, adown your cheek.
When you find your new spring hat
Has been sat on and crushed fat.
IN. Y. Heral
THE Two EXTREMES.
Biones- don't like De Jinks. X
can't believe word he says.
Giles What do you think Of b
brother2
Biones- Unbearable. He alwa
tells the truth. [Lippincott.
POOR MAN.
Mr.. N. Peck Alexander Dumas sa
that anything useless is dangerous
What do you think of that, my dears
Mrs. N. Peck-I think he was an 9
fool who didn't know what he was tai
ing about. There's nothing dangero
about you, is therea
THE ABSORBING THOUGHT.
Traveller Cat Chicago ticket office
What's the fair to New York;
Ticket Seller-Ah, that's all rlgf
New York wanted it bad enough,
Puck.
a HAPPY PROVISION OF NATURE,
Mrs. Littlun--Oh "who can tell wh
a baby thinksgn