The intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1887-1891, 1890-11-08
PuNGENI PARAGRAPHS.

FASTENER lin far Western store)-
SCOT any necktics?" Proprietor (mysti-
fied)-"Um-er-what sort-silk, calico
or hemp?"-Good News.
We know what the girl who never
thinks talks about. Now we would like
to find out what the girl whonever talks
thinks about-Atchison Globe.
-Flora-"Who is that fat, awkward
woman who doesn't seem to know what
to do with her hands and feet?' Nora
so, that's Mrs. Hustler, tho eminent
teacher OF 'Delsarte. '"-America.
81 haven't had an outing for two
years." complained Mrs. Jaysmith.
That's too bad" replied her husband,
sympathetically. "Tll look at the ad-
vertisements and sec If there isn't a
free excursion to a sale of lots you can
go to to-day lIarper's Bazaar.
Tho velocity of light has been meas
ured and recorded. but the rapidity with
which a woman can scatter bad news
over a n~eighborhood is still a matter OF
guesswork. Rams Horn.
Lady Guest-'I leave this house in
an hour" Clerk-"Is there any thing
wrong, madam" Lady Guest Wrong!
Well, | should say 50. Why, the next
room and mine are connected by a door,
and you have actually stopped up the
keyhole."-N. Y. sun.
A Laudable Desire. -Wife-"Dear,
dear! What al YOU be dropping oil on
your best coat for?' Husband-"I
bought a bottle of stuff to-day to take
out grease stains with, and | wanted to
see if it was any good."-Clothier and
Furnisher
isn't Jones a Christian Scientist
a believer in the faith cure?" "He Is"
us it true that he wouldn't have a doc
tor for his wife the other day when she
was sick?" at is quite true" well,
] saw a doctor go into his house just
now" Oil that's all right. He's sick
Hnowshimself. Cape Cod Item. sES
An orratic old gentleman in New
York recently went hence and left a
large fortune to be expended in teach
ing people to eat with their forks. Had
he left one-half the sum to provide
something for them to practice on, his
memory as 4 benefactor would have
lasted 1onger.-Ram's Horn.
Cousin Tom Ito Lizzie, who, with
the rest of the family, has just returned
from the country)-"Aren't you glad to
get back to the city? ] should think
you would be all Lonesome in that sleepy
town" Lizzie-"O, no. We got ac-
quainted rapidly, and / had several
lovers, to boot" Cousin Toni should
think your father would have attended
to that."-Boston Herald.
T.,,o,o ttSoy oll .oo.
scheme! Am going to London. You
order what clothes you want. Same
height, same breadth. | buy them.
Bring 'em back. Good fit. Cheap. Eh?"
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.. I'll make out
my order at once. When you get back,
I'll pay you" Travers-"You will, eh?
Well, I'd like to know how you expect
me to get over there?"-Clothier and
Furnisher.
Mr.. Mushroom-"I wish you would
send one o those invites to old Skee-
sicks and his wife" Mrs. Mushroom
"What! Them vulgar Skeesicks? /
won't do it," Mr.. Mushroom-.''Of
course, they amt SO blamed cultured;
but they IN study up a little" Mrs,
Mushroom-'For heavens sake, Jere-
miah! You'll be wanting me to ask our
fathers and mothers here next"
-Dol,ie Smuggling quite close to his
watch chain)-"What have you in that
locket?" Chollie-"A postage stamp"
Dollie-'Goosie! What postage stamp?"
Chollie-''The one on your last love-let-
ter. I detached it carefully. 1t touched
your moist red lips. 1t often touches
mine" Dollie-"You dreadful fellow!
I'm so sorry Choilie-''Sorry! Why!"
Dollio-"Because | moistened that
stamp by pressing it OF Fido's dear,
damp nose" -Pittsburgh Bnlletin.