Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-04-20
all IN FUN.

| h"iueot W tHuuIe, TIE weather we nave
been having this winter or the man who
talks about it all the time
We have always observed that the man
who is loudest in the assertion that "he
can take drink or let it alone" never al
lows it to get very lonesome.
Nurse-"Come, Bobby; and see the lit
tie baby the angels dropped from heaven
last night" Bobby-"Well, if it cried
like that, no wonder they dropped it,"
Cholly Ito freshman ringing fog bell at
ferry landing man, why is this
bell ringing?" Irishman-"Can't you see,
phool, it's becase Dim pullin' tn r-r-rope."
When men say millions are in scheme,
They mean it oft quite square,
| They know II holds the millions named
| Since they have sunk them there.
| Mr.. Lawlor wants the phonetic method
of spelling introduced into the Congress
sionat Record. 1t would be very realistic,
since most of our Congressman speak that
way.
at is said to be fashionable now to
move at night" The fashion is not new.
1t was introduced years ago by the young
man who was few weeks in arrears for
his board.
Pompous Senator Ito meek and lowly cor
respondent d can not give you informa-
| tion on any subject, sir" NJ. and L. c.
"Beg pardon, but hadn't you better resign
and 60 to school for awhile?"
Now come the nights the blissful nights,
The nights of budding, balmy sping.
| When meath the twiukling stellar lights
Fond couples on the gate will swing.
Jinks-"Do you ever do any shopping
for your wife," Binks-"No. When she
asks me l always refuse" J-"Why p"
! B.-"Because when | married her 1 made
up my mind that would never deprive
her of any of the enjoyments of life"
"You are an authority on feats of
strength, believe" remarked stranger
to the sporting editor. The latter bowed
and replied: 'What can l do for you ?"
81 wish you would tell me which is the
stronger, the female shoplifter or the wo-
man who holds up train?"
| "Cognac brandy is, after all, the best
cure for pain in the chest, don't you think
SO, Frau Hirschmaler?" 81 am not so
sure of that. Formerly my husband used
to be troubled that way only twice or three
times year; but since / began to keep
brandy in the house he has been ailing
nearly every day."
Give you a kiss, indeed r. said she,
Give you a kiss Ny goodness,
IT'S strange that you should make so free,
wonder at your rudeness.
81 could not such thing endure"
And then with manner nervous
She added, "for am very sure
That some one would observe US
"You have only known me week, dar-
ling" she cooed affectionately, land here
all your fear and hesitancy is over. Had
you chosen some fippant, high-fying
maiden instead, she mi ght keep you dang
ling undoubtedly at her heels for years.
Knowing how and being able to avoid
this" she added, ''is the only advantage
we poor widows possess"
Clergyman Ito clipping couple)-''You
are sure you are doing the right thing in
getting married; that you have deliberated
on this step" He-"Deliberated Par
son, we were two hours on the road, and
the gals father is only ten minutes behind
us p Clergyman-"Joinh ands-man and
dollars. No; there's
nothing like due deliberation in matters of
this kind"
Husband Mary, saw very hand
some bonnet as | came down the street this
morning" Wife-"Handsome bonnet.
Well, suppose you did," Husband-eI
thought it would become you WE'LL" Wife
Become me? / don't want any more
bonnets than have now" Husband
"You don't want another and newer
fashioned bonnet ?" Wife = Certainly
not" Husband falls to the floor and dies
and wife wonders what killed him.
at is sad to think" sighed the cashier
as he walked into the night with his
valise in hand and gazed upon the marble
bank building shining in the moonlight
in all its massiveness- to think l
must leave that noble structure behind
me. But l must do so. l can not take
it with me-" And dropping tear he
gripped his valise with tighter grip
and hurried off to catch the Montreal
train.
Mrs. Van Bibb-"Whst is the matter
with my husband, doctor?' DIR. Schmerz
swell, he has symptoms Of mania potu
in addition to acute cephalalgia and nasal
hypermaia." Mrs. Van Bibb-"Oh, dear.
What do you suppose caused it?" DR..
Schmerz-"I think it is due to excessive
cerevisiac and caudagallic absorption"
Mrs. Van Bibb-"Poor, dear fellow! And
mother said there was nothing the matter
with him, except that he had been drink
ing too much. l shall never forgive her."
The world is full of changes; there is nothing
here abiding:
All things are evanescent, fleeing, transitory,
gl ding.
The earth. the sea, the sky, the stars-where'er
the fancy ra ges.
The tooth of time forever mars-al life is fun of
changes
Like sands upon the oceans shore that are for
ever drifting
So all the fading scenes of earth necessarily are
shifting.
Change rules the mighty universe-there is no
power to block it.
There's caange in everything. alas except
fellows pocket
The Swiss watchmakers have invented
watch for the blind. A small peg is ~
in the middle of each figure. When the
hour hand is moving toward given hour,
the peg for that hour drops. The owner,
when he wants to know the tine, finds
which peg is down and then counts back
TO twelve.