The Helena independent. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1875-1943, 1890-07-11
BRAIN GRATING.

BRAIN GRATING.
The animal world 10 on the eve Of the
most wonderful revolution the ages have
seen or may ever hope to see. New York
has for some time taken the lead in
startling medical and surgical innova-
lions, and from that city comes the rec
ord Of an operation that "out- Herods
Herod." By series of carefully con-
Quoted experiments, an eminent practi-
TONER has demonstrated the entire teas
Utility of removing portions Of brain
matter from the brain Of one animal
and grating them on the brain of an
other Of the same or even different spe-
cies. In the case of two dogs we are as
sured that it required only three days
for the transplanted pieces Of brain
matter to present normal appearances
and that in both animals they were so
firmly knitted together that it was i'm
possible to pull them apart with forceps
without laceration. Similar experiments
with cats and dogs proved that tho op-
Grafton resulteS in complete union
through organized connective tissue Of
the contiguous portions OF the two
brains, and that the brains of animals of
two very different species can thus be
made to unite.
1t is almost impossible to realize at
first what the success and adoption of
this method infers. What will become
of the legendary slowness Of the tortoise,
or the cunning Of the fox? Esop, could
he but come to life again, would find
himself without one single landmark
and would be forced to confess that,
like Montana City, he was played out.
1t only requires a system of judicious
graftings, and time for the great princi-
pie of heredity to assert itself, and we
shall have the scripture literally fulfilled
and the lion lying down with the lamb.
Special attention to the breed of March
hares may result in the loss of their her
editary tendency to mania; the loon may
yet cast from him his craziness; the coy
ote may be taught to guard the very an
imals he now preys upon, and the hum
bio ass live to smile at the folly of the
wretched wit who said, "Hood an ass in
reverend purple, if so you cloak his too
ears, he safe may pass for a
cathedral DOCTOR" Let us but keep on
grating and the skunk shall some day
smell 'like gales from Araby the best"
and the pig become choice companion
for NV lady's drawing room.
From brute to human is but step.
Of course there will be some little trou-
bic and expense at first in the number
Of missions to be made, but here again
heredity will prove triumphant, and the
babies of the future will be born with a
flap in the skull, just as they are born
now with eyes, mouth and other neces.
sary organs. Naturally this evolution
will be the cause Of serious loss to the
doctors, but the march of pro-
gress will dispense with their
services in this matter altogether.
"Braineries" will re established in the
streets OF every city and village. They
will have every kind of brain supply on
tap with allidavits as to it's origin and
reputed purity. The autographs of
learned professors will be in more de-
mand than those Of prime dome and
actresses are now. Saloons will be no.
where in competition with "braineries"
in the race for money making, and the
possession of an old-established and we'll
reputed "brainery" in the immediate Vi
cinity of large college or university
will be veritable mine Of wealth to it's
lucky owner. The university student of
the future, reproached for his faulty
preparation of his mathematical task
will be able to retort that his own abil-
ity in that direction is slight; that he
had gone to the best "brainery' in town;
had asked for their Harvard or Yale
brand; had found tho supply exhausted
and none expected for few days; had
been persuaded by the salesman to try
another brand, did not know, but thought
it was labelled "Chicago;" the result was
not a success, he admitted, but would
take care not to be deluded again. What
a wonderful world it will be! Fancy
Bob Ingersoll, with spirit of religious
reverence ingraftsd and kindly lent by
Philips Brooks, standing up alongside
Of Sam Jones at some great camp-meet-
ing, calculating Hallelujshs and passing
round the hat for the collection! Imag-
inc Eliminator Blake as a Judge on the
bench, Speer polite arithmetician,
Power an orator and Sanders mild as a
cooling dove! The crank, of course, will
go. Whenever dangerous symptoms be-
gin to develop, his friends and neighbors
will conduct HIM to the nearest physi-
clan, who will lay back the flap, remove
the abnormal growth, and in q few days
present him well-balanced man. For
tunately or unfortunately, the process
may be put to secret uses. It would
hardly be possible to picture the con-
sternation Of the republican party if Nc
Klnley, drugged and grated with Sec
ton of the brain Of Roger @. Mills, came
down to the house and voted for tariff
reform. Bribery will cease to be an &C
compartment of elections; it's necessity
will have passed away. Within the re-
quired number of days, large number
Of voters will be hypnotized, grated
with portion of the brains of members
of the opposite party who will gladl!