Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-03-17

Sorry to come home and find the house cold,
Glad that haven't a wife that's a scOld.
sorry that have no one to tend my sheep,
Glad mi ghty glad, I'm living cheap,
Sorry I've no one with whom | can chat,
Glad I've no wife that Is ugly and fat,
So goes my life, joyful and sad,
Sometimes sorry, ut other times glad,
But Pm determined tronble I'll borrow,
You see have far of gadness than sorrow.
-------------------
Are you fond of Wagnerian opera, Mr..
Flint? Yes; 1 never cared for music.
Papa" said Willie. ''Yes?" What
relation is the Propaganda to the Portu-
guese?'
''Isn't Mr.. Pettibone somewhat of
pessimist?" 'He? Oh no; he doesn't be-
lieve in anything"
Where did you get that imitation seal
skin sacque?" ''At the bargain counter"
lit looks like counterfeit"
Sometimes it is better to beg pardon
than to fight. The other fellow may be
bigger, and a black eye is a cloud.
You don't mean to say you already
have street cars in Oklahoma" Eyes; we
use em instead of hotels and churches"
Orderly Sergeant (to recruit): "Why,
you keep your mouth as wide open as if
you were Columbus the first time he saw
New York"
There is one thing l don't understand
about crab" ''Why?" Whenever a
crab wants to see anything he puts his
eye OUT
Belle-I'm afraid all this talk about
students is rather frivolous for Sunday.
May-Oh, but they are all theological
students, you know.
''Sir Henry is very old and broken, but
his last letter shows that the vigor of his
language is undiminshed. "What did
you expect-broken English?"
Il hear you struck 2.4O gait when you
left Miss BONES last night" ''Oh, no;
that gate cost more than that; 2.4O won't
more than pay for the repairs"
Il congratulate you, Bronson. Yester-
day was your wooden wedding, L hear.
Wife give you anything?" Yep; bill for
four cords of kindling wood"
Johnny-Wouldn't that lady in front
make a fine hay-stack, mamma? Mamma
Sh-h. my dear, why do you say that?
Johnny-Didn't the minister say all flesh
was grass?
''Mr. Varrett, think your impersona-
ton of the villain on the life-craft in mid
ocean the most realistic thing you do"
"Thank you, madam. The tears and sea-
sickness are real l can assure you
Five o'clock teas are a nuisance" re-
merked Nuwed, who always found com
pany in his house when he got home from
his office. Five O'Clock vexations would
be a more appropriate title for them
How far back can you remember, Bob
by? asked his uncle. Well, said Bobby, l
can remember when didn't know how to
play marbles. No farther back than that?
oh yes can remember when couldn't
remember at all.
''What can you do?" asked the editor.
''Weil, 1 can't write, and l can't edit, and
L amt got no literary judgment; but if
yer want man that's all muscle to blame
fer writin libels, I'm the Teller yer want
-See?''
A WatertOwn, n. Y. general storekeep-
er, being determined not to be caught by
sudden weather changes, has rapidly re-
volving sign in his window, upon one side
of which is painted, 'sIce-cold Soda Wa
ter while the other side reads, Skates
for Sale"
She-Oh, 1 do like history so much
He-Indeed! What is your favorite? She
The discovery of North America by the
Indians is so interesting, and they were
so far ahead of Columbus that | think
they ought to hold the Worlds Fair in
the Indian Territory.
Suburban Resident-Yes; Iwant nse-
full man about my country place Can
you milk? Applicant-Yis, sor; Which
side of COW do you sit on when milk
ing? Will, sOr, OF niver MIXED but one
COW, and she waz a kicker, sor; and, be-
dad. Il good dale ay the tonne OF was on
both sides av her. sor.
Guest attempting to carve) = What
kind of a chicken is this, anyhow? Waiter
Oats genuine Plymouth Rocker, sab.
Guest (thrOwing up both hands, THAT
explains it. l knew she was an old timer.
but had no idea she dated back there.
Take 'er away. L draw the line on the
hens from the Mayflower.
Fanny (whO is engaged to Charley
Charley, don't you remember you said
that you would buy ME the first handsome
ring that you saw? Here in this window
is regular beauty" Charley-Y-e-s: I
haven't got my pocket-book in these
pants, and they are the only pair I've got.
''There is one error in diet" said the
doctor, (which, if pursued for very long
time, is certain to result in death. ssWhat
is that, doctOr?" asked the patient anx-
iously- Not eating anything" said the
doctor, grimly, and shaking the patients
feeble hand feebly he tottered to the door
A thirsty man enters the bar-room of a .
hotel early in the day. Landlord.
guess I've got sense enough to take a
drink this morning" Obsequeous land
lord furnishes the desired beverage, and
The thirsty man smiles, smacks his lips
and remarks, s.Well, old fop that's prim,.
out l II Ue hanged if I've got cents enough
TO pay for it,"
The captain of good ship Storm King says: For
the pact five years have used Sulphur Bitters on
board my vessel, and have not lost man. They