St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1890-07-04
The Usual Tales Of Woe and
Didn't Know It Was
Loaded. {
No Deviation From the Ster-
eotyped Celebration
This Year.
Read the Anticipated Events
Of the Day Before Their
Occurrence. 4

to Guido themselves in all effort to snow
their loyalty, and love for America and
her struggle for independence. Usually
these affairs are chronicled in the papers
of July 5th, but the GLOBE, ever anx-
ious to place the news before it's read
ers in the shortest possible space OF
time, has made special and costly ar
rangements whereby this class of
news is placed before the public "a
honrs ahead of it's contemporaries.
The bright youth living on Hennepin
avenue who tried to show his little
brother how to shoot off giant fire
cracker in his fingers will hereafter eat
soup with his left hand ard hire sub
stitute to do his firing on the Fourth.
The Eighth ward youth as usual was
not satisfied with the explosive qualities
of gunpowder so he spread quantity
of nitrO-glycerine on rock and
pounded it with a hammer. The citi-
zens of Osakls kindly gathered up his
remains, and they are now on their
way to Minneapolis on a postal card.
A butcher boy on the East side be-
came dissatisfied with the noise making
qualities of his toy cannon and rammed
it full of nails. 1t didn't go off the first
time, but on the second trial the attempt
was bowling success, and the boy is
confined in dark room for the benefit
of his eyesight, while his father is me-
gotiating for a settlement with the
owner of the plate-glaSS window across
the street.
The Park avenue gentleman who In
sisted upon driving his high strung
horses over Chinese bomb has ordered
a new buggy,and is using mustang llnl-
ment for man and beast.
The jocular gent who played joke
on the dog by tying bunch of fire
crackers to his tail, lives at Lyndale
this year, and he is now trying to see
where the joke comes in. The dog
ran into the mans barn. and it didn't
happen to be insured. The next time
he plays joke on sensible dog, he
will pick out cat.
Probably the most painful catastrophe
of the day, was that which happened to
the very small Lowry Hill youth, who
touched off "a bundle of Chinese crack
ers under his beloved parents new silk
tile. He will not take his rest at Sun
day school for one week, for various
reasons, and his beloved parent has
opened negotiations for the purchase of
a new razor strap.
The aged relative of family on up
per Nicollet avenue, on visit from
Kandiyohi county, who set off half
dozen sky rockets and held onto the
sticks, is confined to his bed with mem
tai exhaustion and pOultice. ~
The idiot who didn't know it was
lit" lives out near the university this
year, and his intimate friends are WON
his facial expression to be able to claim
his own mail, or be recognized by his
relatives.
The parents of the bright juvenile
who tried to bite giant torpedo in
half live on the motor line and are
making complaints about the high
price of dentistry in Minneapolis, while
the youth is spending his leisure hours
hunting for flint pebbles in his facial
cavity. Next year he will let friend
perform the operation for him.
Frank Cotharin is at the lake, and the
full report of the accidents attending
his attempts to show how they celebrate
the day in Detroit was not received in
advance, as had been intended.
The doctors we're busy all all day try
ing to draw the poison from Fay SetiOnS'
foot. Fay was out on the morning of
the Fourth having little fun tipping
over loose stones and Infringing gates.
He stepped on poisoned nail in the
sidewalk. The city will be sued for
damages.
The budding humorist whose parents
hope that he will one day work on the
Times, provided G. A. Nimocks proves
to be a good loser, who placed giant
firecracker under his nervous old grand
mothers chair lives on Park avenue
near Fourteenth street. Tomorrow he
will be locked up in the closet
In a secOnd-StOry window near NlcOl-
let and W ashington was posted the eX-
ceedinglY clever young man who
amused himself by pelting passers-by
with torpedoes. There was departure
from the usual order in his case, how
ever, in that he was sOundly thraShed
by peSsimiSt who frOwnS upon pleas
ure.
The dyspeptic of the E. T. put in the
Fourth by eating peanuts and city
water. The Ever Glorious came too
near to Saturday for him to daily with
the festive firecracker.
Mayor Babb surprised his friends on
the Fourth by dropping into poetry. He
indited sonnet on the great rulers of
all ages and nations and called it ''Me
and Moses"
"Old Settler" lin whatever part of the
city he CHANGED to live) sat around all
day and told how they celebrated Inde--
pendence Day when he was boy, and
at night the coroner had more business
than he could attend to.
Golightly Morrill's pensioners
locked their front doors. pulled down
the blinds, shut out the noise OF the
vulgar world and devoted all their time
to considering the qualities of "rwo
Beers" CThis does not go unless it is
q hot davl
The genius who always wakes his
wife upon the morning of the Fourth
did the same thing again this
wear. The bed clothes caught fire,
his babe was nearly suffocated,
his wife was badly burned and the,
floor of the room was almost entirely
burned out. He will smoke a pipe the
rest of the year, wear his last seasons
suit of clothes and be in debt to the
doctor, the druggist and the carpenter
until snow flies.
A sound of wailing and weeping,
| interspersed with short, sharp slaps.
| dents in various portions of the city,
proved that 1.-The old man" had again
suffered his annual disturbance while,
reading the morning paper.
| Judge Emery spent the Ever Glorious
| somewhere up on the great lakes pom
dering on the cruelty of fate. Thomas
| Jefferson, John Adams, Ben Franklin
and all those other fellows are talked
| about even now, and he isn't known
| outside of Minneapolis.
Immy Tate's father. who lives on Sec
ond avenue south. just below Eleventh
| street, was down town at sunrise, buy
| ing vaseline, sticking plaster and abb
sorbent cotton. Little Immy had heard
of boy who held exploding frecrack-
| ers in his teeth.
Jim Jams had to be removed to the
| central police station on the afternoon
of the Fourth. He had just come in
| from Minnetonka, and it is presumed
that he drank some lake water which
had been dashed into foam.
Fun Halter took hammock, an UNI
brella and book, some cigars and dis
| titled water in black bottle, out to a
quiet nook near Minnehaha. A mount
ed police officer found him on the morn
ing of the 5th. The liquid was all gone
and Mr.. Halter was found lying on the