Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-09-21
A CLUBIN OUR ALLEY.
The Philosopher and Rhymster Con-
tinue to Muse AmusiDgly.
BAD HABITS OF THE CLUB MEN.
No1ious VapOrs and Vehement Elcquenee
That May lncite Riot.
THE PRIVILEGES OF THE SIDEWALK
BAD HABITS OF THE CLUB MEN
THE PRIVILEGES OF THE SIDEWALK
WRITTEN FOR THE DISPATCH.
NO. z.

NO. 3.
We were about to observe that our alley
rejoIced in club. A little consideration,
however, tells us that the vast majority Of
the rejoicing is absorbed BY the club itself.
1t is highly gratifying, no doubt, to remem-
Der that, but few steps from our humble
domicile, there exists an institution
formed, ;" according to its own minute book,
"by patriotic American youths for the pur-
pose of exchanging lofty sentiments and
discussing the onward march of nations, in
a spirit born of enlightment and ibertyP'
But when the debates of this admirable
institution are prolonged to indefinite and
uncomfortable hours; when the eloquenee
of debaters keeps drowsy neighbors awake
| until after midnight; and when the princi-
pal occupation of these young patriots seems
to be making the eagle scream literally as
well as metaphoricallY, then the existence
of the club ceases to be a matter OF lively
happiness to the alley at large. It ID called
the Marching Through Georgia Club,
but it spends the greater part OF its time,
not in marching, but rather in sitting at
ease on the pavement outside its door and
discussing the pretty girls who chance to
| pass that way,
ONE DIsAGREEABLE FACT.
| If the breezts, which occasionally stray
| into Our Alley, are to be relied on, the NJ. T.
| G. Club is in the habit of smoking tobacco
of that questionable kind used in the
| manufacture of the notorious Pittsburg
stoby." At any rate, there are occasions
when the Philosopher and the Rhymster
would not feel disappointed if the wanton
| breeze were to blow toward, instead of from,
| the NJ. T. G. Club. The sages aforesaid
would even consent to dispense with visi-
tations from the outward atmosphere
altogether on those mournful days which
see the NJ. I. G. Club assemble in
full session on the sidewalk, elevate
its patriotic pedal extremities to the
level of its free and democratic eyebrows,
and puff forth the fumes of its very vilest
tobles. A Pittsburg toby may be thing
of beauty; we will even grant it to be a joy
forever, when safely consigned to the glass
case of museum and never destined to be
smoked. But from toby in full blast
from a toby which is being converted into
vapor, ashes and odor. the odor being ag-
gressively in the aseendant-bOth Rhymster
and Philosopher earnestly pray to be de-
livered.
The NJ. T. G. Club possesses furniture of
durable and useful, if scarcely ornamental
character This can easily be discovered as
on all pleasantly-weathered days the whole
available furniture OF the establishment is
strewn with a certain graceful abandon
over the surrounding pavement. Its
own clubhouse seems to be the last
place In which the club thinks of holding
its session.
AN OUTING EVERY DAY.
Every morning, shortly after daybreak, the
elderly crone who acts as caretaker of the
house arranges forest of chairs and tables
on the sidewalk. If the club possessed any
lounges we are confident they would also be
given an outing. Then the morning news
papers are arranged in position convenient
for early callers. Anon the club begins to
appear, and continues appearing in parties
of two and three all day long and tar into
the night What the members do beside
reading the papers, obstrueting the traffic
and debating it is hard TO discover. Rumors
have indeed been circulated that the elink OF
beer bottles has been heard from the club eel
lar, but since the members enter the house
only on the rarest occasions this seems highly
improbable.
The clubs great strength lies in being in
| the wav If a lady edges through the
crowd OF sidewalk loungers she gets stared at
unmerciiully for her pains, and is barely
out of earshot before her dress, gait and
personal appearance become subjects of loud
and severe criticism. The club has been
known to move back its chairs little in
order to make room Tor female, especially
if she were pretty, but if the chance conner
happens to be a male be runs small chance
of getting through the phalanx of debaters,
and unless he insists upon his right to the
walk is generally obliged to step into the
gutter. This playful obstructiYeness OF the
NJ. T. G.. Club has occasioned good deal Of
unpleasantness, and it is to be feared that
the Philosopher, whose temper is short, has
said some wicked things about the club and
its chairs.
A SHOCKING INCONSISTENT.
"It is" he remarks, "another striking e1-
ample of human Inconsistency, tnat any
body of presumably intelligent beings
should purchase three-story building for
the cole purpose of sitting on the front SIDE
walk appertaining thereto"
The Poet ventures to suggest that the
patriotism OF the club longs to breathe the
pure air of the Alleyy but the Philosophers
will not accept any such theory. II fresh
air is all they desire, he says, why the
mischief don't they sit on the roof OF their
house? There's deal more ozone up
| there" -
The general impression in the Alley is
that the club sits on the sidewalk from
vouthfuI desire to be thoroughly in evil
dence." If it held its sessions within four
wallis. the outward world would not know
of its existence. But by consistently block
aiding the sidewalk the existence OF the NJ.
7. G.. Club becomes palpable, If painful,
fact to the general public.
IN FLESH OR SPIRIT.
The club is always with us, either in the
flesh or in the spirit. When we smell its
tobes, listen to its heated arguments, and
are compelled to step into the mud on ac-
count of its sidewalk assemblies, then we
know that the club is eorporeaily present.
And, when in the lone watches OF the
night we wander wearily homeward after
protraeted labors, only to bruise our persons
or fracture our limbs over the deserted
chairs and tables considerably left on the
pavement for the benefit, doubtless, of all
beIated wayfarers, then we feel, and feel
keenly, that the spirit Of the club still
hevers over the scene.