The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-09-19

WHIto oillTt anu paper COlldE lIOln
some member of the club.
The Hon. Mr.. Wellington was
then brought in and introduced. He
at once created a favorable impress
sion, being built after the style Of
modern architecture, and having a
pleasant and benevolent cast of cOun.
tence.
BIG RESULTS.
my dean frend," he began. as he
got settled on his feet, II ar happy
to be wild you dis evenin'. AS you
hev doubtless been informed, l shall
speak to you on de subiick of health.
What am health? | answer dat il is
natur in her simplest form. Man is
supposed to be created in perfeckly
healty state. He is finished piece
of mechanism. All de wheels an
levers, an springs, an gearin' arr in
place and all run smoothly. Now
what stops de macheen Mans own
ignerence an keerlessness. Elder
TOOts, fur instance, has a baby at his
house--a lump o. charcoal bout a
var ole. The Elder bushes. Dat
baby was BON in de best of health,
an natur' would keep him dat way
if she war; allowed to. But she amt
allowed to. Mrs. TOots goes an puts
clothes on it, an she feeds it sweet
ened milk. an she doses it wild pare
goric. an WeakenS its spine by
drawin' it in baby kerridge, an it
is tumbled into a feather bed o.
nights to roast between two grown
people. Agitation. Dat masheen is
outer order befo' ii is a Var ole. Den
de ole woman she recommends sassy
parilla. an de ole man he recon-
mends burdOck, an all de ole w0men
clme in an recommend dis. dat an
de Odder. an if de baby ibis freW it
luck is wild him! Hear ! hear = |
my frens, de average man comes
mighty nigh - bein' an IDIOT in tax
in care of himself. You hev seen
him Wearin' a fur cap on his head
while his shoes let in de snow and
water. He wears an 0bercoat on his
back an nuthin' but a thin shirt on
his chist. He's mighty skeart about
freezin' his fingers, while his thloat
is expozed to billiards.. AM he's
ailin', ailin'-ailin'-or he thinks he
is, It's herb-teaS, rO0t-tOnIcs, pills,
plaSters and cures, until de balance
wheel in his machinery comes to a
dead stop. Applause. Natur' wants
to keep goin', but she can't. He
drinks Whiskcy, and dat clogs de
valves. He drinks beer, and dat
clogs de wheels. He pGurs down
lemonade, ginger ale. huttermilk, ice
water, tea. coffee an what not, au'
den wonders why de fires under his
blIer won't burn. Shouts of aD-
plausel If you should take an OK an
put him through the same perform
ance, he'd be dead in var.
"De simplest and plainest laws of
health ar outraged cherry hour in de
day by de Average man. Did Adam
smoke? Did Eye wear coreets: Did
Solomon chew terbacker? Did Ruth
chew gum? Did de children Of Israel
make for beer saloon after crOssin'
de Red Sea? Did Rebecca eat gum
drops. am ice cream an call for soda
water? Adam was de fust man an
was made perfeck from head to heel.
How long would he hev remained
SO arter eatein' mince pie afore GO
in to bed ? Suppose he had slept in Il
bed room 6x8 wild de window down,
de doah shet, an Two dogs under de
bed? Yells of applause. Suppos-
ing Eve had laced herself up in cor
set, put on tight shoes. sot up all
hours of de night, eaten her fill of
trash, an siZzled her hair? When
you cum to look into de way man
misbehaves himself you can only
wonder how he libed to get dar.
"De man who wants to lib to
good ole age an keep shet of de doc
tors has got to obsarYe certain prin
cipIes. No dead cats must be al
lowed to remain under de house more
than week. He may love his dog,
but de dog should be giben de parlor
bed room if he must sleep inside de
house. Bones, fish heads, hens
feather, ole rags an rats should be
cleared away from de doah at least
twice a war. He must wash his feet |
now an den. even if it is little ex-