davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

l<,sl;ss;;A d
Brz:nsfMk

of confidence in 1.-THE manu-
facturers of DR.. Sage's Ca
tarrh Remedy. It's a faith
that means business, too-its
backed up by money. This
is what they offer: $500 re-
ward for a case Of Catarrh
which they cannot cure. They
mean it. They're willing to
take the risk-they know their
medicine. By its mild, sooth-
ing, cleansing and healing
properties, it produces per.
feet and permanent cures of
the worst cases of chronic Ca
tarrh in the Head. It's doing
it every day, where everything
else has failed. No matter
how bad your case, or of how
long standing, you can be
cured. You're sure of that
or of $500. You can't have
both, but you'll have one or
the other. .
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
WHAT PAT BAD UNDER lis COAT.

WHAT PAT BAD UNDER lis COAT.
Benevolent but Near-Sighted Employer
-"Patrick, what's that under your
coat2"
Pat (who is working the growler)-
"I'm sorry to say it is can, SIR"
Employer-"Great Scot, Patrickl
Stop work and go straight to the hos
pital!"-Aun,ey's Weekly.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
LIKED hin, PERHAPS.

"One thing about me-" said the new
girl, sis that I'm no fault finder. al
ways try to take things as they come"
"Hum! Well, that's somewhat bet
ter. Our last girl used to stop the de-
livery man and take 'em before they got
here. - Washington Post.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
NuUMAS TREATMEAT.

"And don't you feel terribly the dis
grace of being sent to prison?" asked the
visitor.
"No, ma'am," returned the ex-tramp.
''It amt the disgrace O bein' sent, but
its the work that's eatin' my heart
away."-Mao YorS Sun.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
Comm endable.

All claims not consistent with the high char
ac;er of Syrup Of Figs are purposely avoided
by the California Fig Syrup Company. 1t acts
gently on the kidneys, liver and bowels, cleans
ing the system effectually, but 1t is not cure
all and makes no pretens:ons that every bottle
will not substantiate.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
ELOQUENT.

ELOQUENT.
"Did you know that there is Ian
guage of perfumery2"
ssNo."
"Well, there is. Heliotrope means Il
love you,' and white roses means Il am
worthy of you"
"What does the absence of perfumery
meant have nothing to say2'"
mo. It means Il haven't scent. D"
-NcU York Herald.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
WOMAN'S WORLD.
pLEASANT LITERATURE FOR
FEMININE READERS.
DEALERS IN WILD ANIMALS.

Nine. Mancini, of Havre, France, IS
the largest dealer in wild animals in the
world. She has almost rival in Frau
Harzenbeck, of Hamburg. In New
York is Miss Duffy, who buys and sells
elephants, bears and lions with as much
readiness and discrimination as good
milliner shows in selecting pattern hats
in Paris.-Chicago Post.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
WASTED SWEETNESS.

"You see that girl over there"
she began, when the other answered:
"Yes, she lives opposite US. She's deaf
and dumb, poor thing"
"The idea. And there I sat behind
her in the street car for four blocks and
made remarks about that dowdy hat she
has on, all for nothing"
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
TOO sCRCPULOUs.

Teacher -siSomebody has been throw
ing paper behind my back. Mewes, can
you tell me who it wasa"
Mewes (who was the culprit himsel0
--''I kr ow who it was, but hardly like
to tell"
Teacher-''A trife too scrupulous,
perhaps, but it shows honorable feeling
on your part. You may sit down. -
Chicago Tribune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
A SOUVENIR.

81 wish you'd give me that dog,
Major"
"Why, I thought you didn't like
him2"
"Neither do. If you'll give him to
me I'll shoot him and send you lock of
his tail. "-Harper's Bazar.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.

Cupid at the Acknowledging the
Pennies-A Souvenir-Inhuman
Treatment-Human Ma
1ure, Etc Etc.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
POSITIVE PROOF.

II see you have given our finest suit of
rooms to man named Bilkins. Are you
sure he can pay the ratesa"
Clerk-"Yes; he's immensely rich"
Proprietor-"How do you know9"
Clerk-':He is old and ugly, and his
wife is young and pretty."-NeD York
Weekly.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
CHANGED HIS TUNE.

Lawyer MADAM, I'm sorry to say that
I don't see the ghost of chance for you
to break your uucle's will"
Womar-"Wcll, to be frank with
you, 1 don't see ghost of chance to
pay you for what you have already done
if the will isn't broken"
Lawyer-"On second thought, mad
am, think the will can be broken"
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
AFree rrip Around the World.

Tho all-absorbine topic of the day is the
Home Fascinator Pub. Co.'s great word con-
world. To the person sending them the larg;
est number Of English words CONSTRUCTED
from letters contained in the sentence "GoD
Free Trip Around the World" also n order
Of merit the following additional prizes: "A
Free Trip to Florida, a Silver Tea Set, S6s; a
Gents 14k. Gold Watch, $50. 10 every one
sending list of not less than twenty-five
English words, of four or more letters, found
in either Webster's or Worcester's Dictionary,
to pay for grand Premium Catalogue and o
six months trial subscription to their beaul1-
fully illustrated family story paper, The Home
largest list of correct words may not be in a
position, or care to max. the extensive trip Of
fered, the publishers give such person the
to any person in the y. S. or Canada Address,
The Home Fascinator, Montreal, Canada.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

Money invested in cnoice one hundred dol:
lar building lots in suburbs Of Kansas City will
pay from five hundred to one thousand per
cent. the next few,years under our plan. SO
cash and SIS per month without interest con-
trolls desirable lot. Particulars on application.
]. u. BauerleIn & Co. Kansas City Mo.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
WATCHING THE PENNIES.

Cutham s. Fitham's New Bookkeeper
-"Shall send this bill around to MIR.
Wareham's house, sirf"
Fitham-"H'ml no; there's no use
wasting postage. Wait till he calls for
something more" ."-Puck.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
CUPID AT THE AUCTION.

Prince Sanson-'tAnd now, dearest,
will you name the day2"
Miss Bond-sWell, let us say the 21st
with three days of grace. ."-Aunsey's
Weekly.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
A DESPERATE LAST CHANCE.

eff you hypnotic man, you can
make him do anything you want
him to, can't you3" asked Ethel.
eyes, believe so."
"I'd like to hypnotize Chollie Hicks,
then"
"Why2"
"This is my fourth season, and I'm
getting anxious. ."-Harper's Bazar.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
THE ToUcHsToNE of FEMALE BEAUTY.

THE ToUcHsToNE of FEMALE BEAUTY.
A company Of ladies and gentlemen
were playing at forfeits when wag
proposed that all the rest should do as he
did. He thereupon took handkerchief,
dipped it in water, and began rubbing
his face.
"Now, all of you do the same,
please"
At this the ladies, in body, got up
and fed from the room.-Paris Figaro.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
HE FINDS THEM TOO.

"Jaysmith is a regular antiquarian.
He has been married three times, and
each time to a widow"
sHow does that show him to be IN
antiquarian"
"Well, he's relict-hunter. ."-Judge.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

The famous Calumet and Hecia, the
greatest copper mine in the world, has
paid $34, 500, 900 in dividends
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH.

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH.
Merchant-'sI wish to insert an adver-
tisement in the Morning Bugle."
Clerk-"Yes, sir"
"Commence It in this way: PAY Cash,
and put those words in large letters"
eyes, SIR"
"And l wish you'd trust for the
amount for q month or so."-Yankee
Blade.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
HUMAN NATURE.

HUMAN NATURE.
Mother-ssDon't you know that it is
naughty to hurt the cats"
Clair-"Yes'm."
"Then, why do you do it2"
Clair-"Dunno; cos it's naughty, I
guess. ."-Racket.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

The saving in clothing where Dobbins's
Electric Soap is used, is t,CentU times the soap
sold for "a years. To-day Just as pure as In
1855. Try it. Your grocer has 1t or will order 1t
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

FIT ASSOCIATES FOR POLICEMEN, ONLY.
"Henryl" cried Mrs. Won Toodles,
grasping her somnolent husband by the
arm, "Hcnry, there are burglars in the
house! Get up and 60 down."
"Utter nonsense, my DEAR" returned
Henry. "You wouldn't have man of
my social position associating with burg
lars, would you2 You astonish met"
Chatter.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

FITS stopped free by DIR. KL1NEs GREAT
NERVE REsToRgR. No fits after first day use.
Marvellous cures. Treatise and 81 trial b,ttle
free. Dr. Kline OIL Arch St., Phila-, Pa.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
MODERN SCIENCE.

'tI suppose your son learned q lot at
that new-fangled Boston schoola"
"Oh, yes. Henry stood at the head
of all his classes in the scieEces."
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

"And what is he doing NOVELIST
inga"
"Oh, dear, no. Henryis applying his
knowledge in perfecting a circular saw
for cutting trousers for bow-legged
men. ."-Julge.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
A CLEAR CASE.

Jaggers-"What ever became of
Penough's dog2 You know it used to
give me so much trouble"
Wiggler-"Oh! It's dead"
Jaggers-"Did you kill it2"
Wisgler-ssNo. It committed sui
eide"
Jaggers-"Suicide! Hows"
Wiggler-'It came over into my yard
while was sitting here with loaded
pistol" ."-Nunseys Weekly.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

Guaranteed five year eight per cent. First
payable every six months; principal and inter.
est collected when due and temitted without
expense to lender. For sale By J. II. Bauerlein
q Co. Kansas City, Mo. Write for particulars
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22
Do You Ever Speculate Z

Any person sending US their name and al;
dress will receive information that will lead
to fortune. BENZ. Lewis q Co., Security
Binding Kansas L ity, Mo,
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

Lee Was Chinese Headache Cure. Harm
less in effect, quick and positive IN action.
Sent prepaid on receipt of 81 per bottle.
Adeler & Co. .522 Wyandotte st, Kansas City, Mo
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

Woman, her diseases and their treatment.
72 pages, illustrated; price Soc. Sent upon re-
cefpt Of iOc, cost of nailing,e etc. Address Prof..
r. h. KLINE MD, 93l Arch St., Phila., Pa
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

J. 9. Simpson. Marques, w. Va, says:
Halls Cat arrh Cure cured me of q very bad
case Of catarrh." Druggists sell 1t, 75c.
TIE better grade Of perfumeries come from
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

No soaps are imported save those of the very
highest grades.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

THE Sunday.clcsing movement in Berlin is
making progress.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

Timber, Mineral, Farm Lands and Ranches
In Missouri. Kansas, Texas and Arkansas
bought and sold. Tyler g. Co., Kansas City. Mo
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1890-08-24
Organizing 70 Feat Tnlman.

The straightout democrats Of South Caro-
lima have not vet given I'D the aghs to de-
feat Tillman. They think that if they can
secure perfect organization of their forces
they can cleo: a majority Of the
delegates to the September convention.
They are 10 have a conference at Columbia
next Tuesday TO see what can be done
TO preserve the unity Of the regular Demo
cratic party 1t is fair to presume that, in
their opinion, in order to preserve the party
it is necessary to defeat Tillma1.
1t looks now as if there were going to
be a very muddled condition of
affairs at the September convention.
At the August convention the Tillnanites,
against the protest Of the straightouts,
cleo ed a new executive committee , and
adopted a new con stitution for the party.
The s'raightouts maintained that the con-
ventlon could do neither of these things.
because neither had been mentioned in the
call for tie convention. They, therefore,
are electing delegates to the September
convention under the directions of
the old executive committee. The
Tillmanites seem to be somewhat at sea
In some of the counties they are acting
under the direction Of the new committee,
and IN Others. it is reported, they
are acting under the old. When the con-
vention meets it will be difficult to deter
mine who are the rightfully elected dele
gates. 1t is not improbable that there will
not be enough delegates, having an I'M
questioned right to seats, TO organize the
convention.
The chances ara, however, that the TIL
NANTES will be so largely in the majority
that they will take charge of the conveu-
ton and run it to suit themselves That is
what they did with the August convention,
and they ere likely to do the same thing
with that of September. In that case the
straightouts would withdraw, probably, as
they did at the August gathering Their
withdrawal, however, would not be deeply
regretted, In all probability, by the Till
NANTES, who feel that they are strong
enough to do just as exactly as they please.
1t goes much against the grain, of course,
with the straightouts, to be run over rough
shod, es it we're, by the men who have here
tofore occupied places in the ranks, but
what can they do about it They must
submit TO the Inevitable, and the more
gracefully they do so the better it will be
for the party. The Tillmanites are
majority of the democratic
voters and they are determined to take
control of the state. After short period of
power they may cease to be the majority.
If, in the meantime, the straightouts should
act discreetly they would be asked probably
TO take charge of the state again. If, how
ever, they should take a course that would
split the party they might bring about a
condition of affairs that would never give
them another chance to rule in South Caro-
lima.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1890-08-24
Jed Tompkins' hypothesis.

Near Fayetteville, Tenn, shortly after the
recent cyclone which did so much damage in
that state and Kentucky, old Jed Tompkins
(colored) was hauled up before Squire Mason
for stealing one OF Col. Ballentyne's sheep, saws
the Louisville CourieI-JOu nal
Before the trial the squire the colonel led
and several others were lounging in front of the
'squire's dngy little office, all hands, with the
exception of jed relating incidents of the terri
bic storm; the squire winding up with a tree on
his farm, from which the win had stripped the
bark, and the colonel seeing" this WITH a brick
wall on his place through which the tornado
had driven a wheat straw.
On the trial the evidence was all against Jed,
the colonel identifying the sheep, which had
been found hanging up on Jed's back porch.
IN have to hold you, old man, unless Won
can explain how that sheep came there" said
the magistrate.
CANT 'spain, Square" Jed answered.
Wen got up in de mawnin' dat sheep was
jes' layin' dar"
And you don't know who brought it there?''
No, suh-1esan de cyclone blow ed it dar"
Aha Lesan de cyclone bowed 1t dar.' Ell >
And did you ever see a cyclone that could skin
a sheeps'
mo, sab, CANT say as I has, 'lesan 'twar dat
same cyclone what peeled square Nason's tree
and driv the straw throo Col. Ballentyne' s
wall"
The squire pulled up his specs and took long
look at jed, and the colonel arose and stated
that he would not prosecute the case further as
this was the first cyclone that had ever blown
any of his property into Jed's possession.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1890-08-24
PERSONAL.

REV. FRANK E. JEFFREY a missionary to
India who leaves for that country in a few
weeks. vas married in the Joliet dll) peniten-
tlary on Tuesday to the daughter of Warden
berSreu, the convict orchestra and choir fur
nlshlpg the incidental music.
DAVID CHRISTIE MURRAY, the move ist who
mysteriously disappeared in Mexico some
months ago and was supposed to have been
murdered; has come 70 light II Samoa, where
he has formed lite ary partnership with
James Livingston of New York.
Mss MAY RANDOLPH, daughter Of Edmund D.
Randolph, president of the Continental bank of
New York. has married Nc. Francis Egerton
Meoo, son of the late Ge0. James Watson
webb and brother Of DR.. Seward Webb woo
married sister Of Cornelius aud W. H. Van
derbilt
GEORGE VI. Pullman Of Chicago celebrated
his mothers SD birthday at her summer home
in the Thousand Islands, Castle Rest, last
week. The display Of fireworks is said to have
neen the finest ever seen on the rivers, and
thousands OF spectators came on excursion
seea Lers 70 witness the Spectacle
MME. DurLEssjs died last month in her castle
at Moreuil about three hours journey from
Paris, and President Carnot, it is announced
mas informed Pope Leo that she has made him
ner universal heir to a fortune estimated at
6oo0,oOQ francs. which. President Carnot in
forms the pope, Frame exempts from all duty.
ONE of the most remarkable fish stories of the
season, which has been a pretty good one for
flsh stories, comes from New York Robert B.
Roosevelt, formerly president of the fishery
commission, recently entertained several mem
oerS OF the New York commission for the codi.
hcation of the game laws and took them on his
yacht TO the fishing grounds near Fire Island
10 TWO days the party failed to catch single
fish.
The DEATH Of Rev. DR.. Orlo D. Hine, which
occurred short time ago, terminated his thirty
years pastorate of the hi.to ic Lebanon Green
CHURCH, Conn, in which only seven pastors had
preceded him during the 80 years of its ex-
lstence. two of them DR.. Williams and DR. Ely
covering the period from 1722 to 1924 DR. Hine
was graduate Of Yae in the class that
furnished Chief Justice Waite, Samuel J. Til
den, William NJ. EvartS and other celebrated
men.
Mrs. ADAIR of Rathdaire. Ireland. who. ac-
cording to English newspapers. has refused an
offer of S1,750 900 for her cattle ranch in
Colorado. holding the property for So 600, 600 is
the daughter of Gen. Wadsworth of Geneseo,
\. At one time ste was dangerous rival of
Mrs Lily Hammersly for the title of Duchess of
marlborough, and such affections as the grace
less duke had TO bestow with it. Indeed the
Ortord Chronicle and Berks Gazette, published
az the town nearest the duca seat, in its issue
OF Sept. II, 1855, announced the engagement of
the Duke OF Marlborough and Mrs Adair Mrs
Adalr was the widow of Col Montgomery
Richie. y S. A, when she married John George
Adalr. Esq, of Rathdaire Queens county, Ire
land. She rs eauty and a capital converse
tlonaist while her putation as a cross country
rider is the best in Ireland Her social SUI
premacy is recognized in the county
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1890-08-24
FER Time to Come to the Front.

AUNT Cindy," said white woman to her
colored cook, says the Pittsburg Dispatch, "a
hear that your daughter is married -
Deed she is. honey, an OATS de reason
didn't come ter cook nothin' fur you yistidy
Vas, de chile is dun maird, an er heep is tuck
often my mine"
Did she do well?''
"Oh, yassum, mighty we'll. Marrid or man
dat will W egh pretty nigh 200 pounds
II doan know how he is at de presen err ca
sion, but da tells me dat he is er powerful
handy pusson Wy he dun sarved two years in
de penytenchy all on er count o his hardness,
Vas, monstus handy pusson, Dave is
Il should have thought that you would OBJ
ject to your daughter being married by man
that has been in the penitentiary."
20. wellum, some folks is err little sEittish
thatter way, but l neoer wuz foolish Ez long
ez man is put in de penytenchy for steain'
chickens, w'yi it shows dat he wants sltbin'
good to eat at his house. Now dar's nv son
Tom. Err honester chile neber libed but doan
like ter go ter his house an stay, case he neber
has nothin' to eat, but il amt datter way wild
Ben, you better tlebe it amt. Da has Ben in
jail ever once in er while but wen 1 goes ter
his house YOU better blebe dar's suthin' fifteen
ter eat l come ter tell you dat KANT cook
for you no mo-"
Way"
wall daughter she gwine cook fur Miz Will
cox, now, an ez l been taken er nuff stuff home
ter sport her cher sense l been cookin fur you.
w'yit is hur time ter come ter de front wild me
Good day lady"
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1890-08-24
They Never Crowed Again

Next to dog that amuses himself by bark.
ing all night, a rooster that persists in exer.
clslnR his voice is natures own nuisance espe-
cially when the rooster lives in town. saws the
Plttsburg Dispatch. A banker who used to live
next door to DR.. Jim White in Richmond Va
owned two little bantam roosters that he had
taught to crow for grain of corn. He would
take double handful of corn out into his back
porch, lift his hand, and the chickens would
crow. 1 hen he would give grain to each of
tnem. This would be continued until all the
corn was exhausted and the ROSTERS were
boarse. This sort of thing annoyed Dr. White
He didn't mind the quality of the no Sc, but be
OBJECTED to the quantity. One day medical
the serenade began.
I'D give s. TO shut off that Internal noise, ~
said the doctor
You can do it for less than that said the
student why don't you entice them into
your back yard some time when old Rufe is
down town, eaten them and cut their vocal
chords -
by jove That's the thing. Come around
to m PROV at II o'clock and assist me in the
operation"
The next day at the appointed hour the stu.
dent was IN tie Office on time so were the
ROSTERS.
Within two minutes one vocal chord of each
chicken was cut and then tho birds were tossed
over the fence to their homs At noon the
owner came out on his porch for his daily
amusement. White and the student watched
him through crack in the lence. He lifted his
hand ard the little squsllers reared back aud
vent through the motions, but cid not utter a
sound. The banker lifted his hand again. with
the same result, He went out into tue yard and
walked around his pets, but ne couldn't see any,
thing wrong. Then he called his wife. and the
two made a critical examination. He made
them go through their pantomime for an hour
and got disguised. He tried it every day for a
week and then killed the BOOSTERS and ate them
When he found out six months afterward what
White had done ne bought two large donkey
voiced parrots, trained them to say - DR.
White" and White is an ass" and hung their
cages in his back porch
White moved in week