, 1890-09-14

stepped on by the regular banquet hu-
morist Of the occasion.a
You will be assigned TO . seat at first,
and will place your hand on the back Of
the chair, thereby filing on the seat, as
you might say. Upon \ given signal
from the chair. and the words, Gentle
men will be seated, " you Will sock your
legs under the table, and while getting
acquainted with your neiRhbor you NAV
unfold you napkin, put a few Brazil
nuts in your pocket and ask the guest of
the evening If that is his FIST visit TO
our little town"
Should the finger bowl be placed at
your side al the beginning Of the meal
along with the wine glasses, you may
easily distinguish IL from the wine glasses
by It's height. It is not so tall, and is
more thick set, or thickly set, if you
please. IL Is also liable to contain a sprig
of geranium, which is not to be eaten
under any circumstances You will now
bite of a corner of your roll, and while
ostensibly reading the menu You can run
over your piece in your mind or comb
-FOUR whiskers with your pocket comb.
If dish is brought to you which you
have not been brought up on, and you
are mYsu6ed about It. do not say to the
waiter, Il don't want that; it's too rich
for my blood but let It remain BY your
side, and possibly some one else will ask
what 1t u, so that you can not only find
out, but also quietly take home the recipe
to your wife.
Ii is considered vulgar to eat every
thing within reach, and then try to dug
the ornamental designs of the plate with
your spoon 10 n mad effort to get tho rest
of the food, or wipe no your dish with a
roll, like an engine wiper working on q
neglected locomotive. You should eat all
the time as il you did not choose any, or
had no occasion, as we say at our house
when we have company, and throughout
the meal preserve an air of ennui and ap.
pear AS blase as possible. Do not begin
10 eat like a harvest horse while the bless
ing is being rendered, but SIT quietly and
do not 6dget with the cake or crack your
knuckles and murmur at the delay.
Do 10, seek TO obtain the last drop Of
gravy on your plate by up ending IL into
your spoon or mouth. and If you wear a
heavy mustache it might be well occasion
ally to run your fork through il in search
OF oustard or other game which may have
secreted itself there. The bright bon
mots OF n man with a custard in his mus
tAche fall upon the mind like a pail.
In eating raw oystors do not seek to
hurry matters by means OF n violent in
haiation at the moment Of taking them
from the fork; and If you should drop
one on the floor do not gather 1t up with
your hand and slap it down on your
plate with an oath, or put it on the head
of n bald clergyman whom you know
but slightly, Tell the waiter in a low
tone OF voice that il he will get it from
the floor he may have it for his own.
Then you may go on with your persiflage
or Whatever may be on your plate at the
time.
fully disposed OF the chairman will take
another nip, and arising TO his full height
thereby scattering the crumbs that were
in his lap over those who sit near him,
he will proceed to pound on the table with
the handle of a knife, and refer fcelingly
to the guest of the evening. Cheers will
greet his remarks. and confusion will cover
the guest. lf.you are ever a guest you
will know what sorrow is. To sit up at
- o'clock at night facing an expectant
multitude OF dear, devoted friends and
listen to encomiums a foot high addressed
TO you and oheered to the echo, and know
all the while that you are a very much
over estimated man, Ostensible, will turn
to aloes and norwood the nice buck
wheat cakes and maple syrup Of the best
banquet that ever graced the ~groaniug
board OF a monarch.
earnestly hope, Mr.. Peterson, that
you may never be placed in that position.
To be compelled to stand up sadly and say
Boys, | am much obliged to you, but
I've taken advantage of you. I've got
your banquet, and l have received it uu-
der false pretences. l cannot return it to
you and | am not permitted by the rules
of the game to paw for It. l give myself
up. | cannot make a speech. What
little glory | ever won was won in another
way, aud so | cannot do it." To say all
this and see one countenanco after an
other fall is tough, Mr.. Peterson. ex-
tremely tough.
Then comes the professional entertainer,
and gets the general good feeling a-going
once moro. Every man to his avocatiou.
Ostensi5le. is a great rule. Neither Mr..
Edison nor | can make a good after din.
ner speech. Tho great noticeable differ
ence between us, however, is that Mr..