Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-01-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

L l1lHh the NOTIu Oh ludl 8lIls larry
in fact, l adore her. and I don't know
how to get rel it." why don't you
marry her?"-IIme.
81 hear John has a place under the
Government" Yes" Make anv
money!" Heaps; 800, 600 a week.
He's in the mint?n-Munsey's Weekly.
Wild-Eyed Customer-"Have you
any goods made of soleleather or boiler
iron?" Clothing Merchant-"No, sir,
we don't keep boys clothing."-M. Y.
Weekly.
He-"Dearest, what is your real
opinion of me?n She-"Don't ask silly
questions. You will find out soon
enough after we are married ."-Ierre
Haute Express.
my dear sir, how much your
daughter has grown this last summer
| can scarcely believe it. Why're dress
scarcely reaches to her shoulders" -
F1aegende BIatter.
Almost everybody in this world is
susceptible to fattery. The easiest way
to flatter some people is to remark to
them how impervious to fiattery they
are.-S0merUiHe Journal.
Marriage, - remarked Biggs, sis a
sort of brief When [ was first
married Mrs. B. and 1 thought we were
one; but it wasn't long before we came
wo."-Boston Iraascript.
1t is generally safe to trust to a
woman's generosity unless she knows
that you are in love with her or you are
so unfortunate as to be another woman
uoUrSalf - SO711py7.jJTo .To1J3.13oT
miss Smiley is goingto travel under
an assumed name" You surprise
me!' Eyes; she is going to be married
next week and going on her wedding
journey Konkers Statesman.
She-"O, see that scarecrow out
there in the feld!' He-'That isn't a
scarecrow.' cit must be; see how
m~otionless it is" That's the hired
man at work. y Yankee Blade.
Admitting Friend Ito struggling
artist)-.'That drawing is grand! Is
there anything you can't drawP"
Struggling Artist-'Yes; my check and
a prize in the lottery."-Epoch.
A Danville editor has written a song
entitled, Il am Glad I Said Yes" He
is to be excused, for he didn't know at
the time what a headache he would
have the next morning. - Rochester
Herald.
Richblood-'Look at me, Sickly. I
never paid a cent to a doctor in my
life" Sickly = you ought to be
ashamed to boast of it, Richblood.
Why don't you pay your debts?"-
Boston Herald.
"And Minnie has made a fortune out
of her piano playing. How did she do
it so quickly?" 'She practiced on the
piano so much that her uncle committed
suicide, and she was his heir, you
know."-EpOcb.
Yes" said Fogg. after listening to
a tale of suffering and death, Eyes, we
all have I'LL trials. I lost my train this
morning and had to wait five minutes
before the next one came along."-
Boston Transcript.
Il hear that Bronson has a regular
soft snap in the Government employ"
Eyes. His position is all cake-he's a
detective in the mint" ''Then it can't
be cake-it must be mint-spy."-N. Y.
Commercial AdUertiser.
We have received a copy of a new
paper devoted principally to the in
terests of bondholders.n All we want
now are some bonds to hold, and then
the new paper will interest US immense
ly.-N0rriStOoUn Herald.
Miss Backnumber-''My little dog
Hero was awfully scratched by a cat
today, so I think l shall change his
name" Miss Sere-"What will you
call him now?n Miss Backnumber
''Claude."-N. 7. Sun.
First man-"It's very hot in here. I
wish every one wouldn't shut the door
when they 90 out" Second Man-'Tn
fix it 81 they won't" And he did. He
put up a sign which read: please
Shut the Door."-N. 7. Sun.
"Do you remember that awfully
smart boy you used to have in you
office = Johnny Smith?n 30, yes"
''How did he come out?" "He hasn't
come out. He got twenty years in
Sing Sing.n-N. 7. Commercial AdUer-
tiSer.
She (coyly)-'Now, you must only
take one, George" He (gallantly)-
"But n from one leaves nothing,
Mabel. Let's make it one each and
tie" She (blushing)-'It's very sud-
den, George, but you may ask papa
N z. Sum.
Benks-'Are you going to see Mol
cini, the famous actor, to-nightP" Dob
son-sNo, sir" Blenks-"Why not?"
Dobson-.'It costs too much. 1 paid
$50 for seeing an actor last week"
Benks-"How was that?" Dobson-
He held four aces"
Clothing Salesman-"Well, how do
you like this patternP" Customer
"Can't you give me something a little
quieter? You see, I frequently come
home after midnight, and it is a matter
of some importance to me not to wake
up my wife."-Burlington Free Press.
Omaha Teacher-"Will some MEM
Der of the class explain how we hear
thingsP" Bright Sprig-"Somebody
tells pa something downtown, then pa
tells it to ma as a profound secret, then
ma tells it at the sewing society meet
ing, and then we all hear it."-Onadha
World.
Biggs-'What a ~confounded fool
Shaw was to hang around that young
woman all the EVENING"" Hicks-'O,
get out! You'd do the same thing
under the same circumstances" Biggs
-''Yes, and that's what makes me so
plaguey mad with Shaw" = Boston
Transcript.
Johnson-"They say, Jackson, that
a man is a fool till he's 40. What do
you think of that?" Jackson-"From