Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-06-22
The TOPICAL IALKER.


.,Two boxes for a quarter, ma'am." said a
Diamond Market salesman to one Of his
fair customers yesterday, as she picked out the
finest strawberry in sight and put 1t behind her
teeth.
| other strawberry.
"Yes-all that's left"
SIS that So" and the fourth strawberry dis
appeared through the lips that framed the
WORDS.
Two boxes for quarter. and finer berries
you won't find" repeated the market man
| rather .neryously, for he noticed tue si1tn
strawberry passing the way of the Others.
swell. Tll take two boxes" she said, "though
| they're not worth it"
was the next customer. and asked the
marketman whether ladies who sampled SO ex-
tensively and haggled SO long were profitable.
"Guess we make something off 'em," he re-
| piled. "but that woman's hummer. She's
| eat enough strawberries in this market to-day,
I'll bet hundred, to supply her whole house
samplin' the fruit all around. An she IL go
home with the m two skimpin boxes and say to
the folks at supper, like as not. that she don't
care about any berries, only enough to go
around, and she's willn' to deny herself. Obi
| I'm onto her, 1 am"
| uLARpLY a man as comes in here to have
his hair cut" said Pittsburg barber yes
| terday, "put has scars on his head. Sometimes
| the scars are small and not noticeable ordina-
| rily, but not more than ore man in hundreu
| has head entirely free from them. or course
| most men W ear their hair long enough at all
times to Ike ep the small scars from sight, but
in hot wealth er like this there are some awful
looking heads going about town."
II should think man who has ugly marks
A,lro nnf IN
hair cut too Short" 1 suggested.
THAT'S where you're mistaken" replied the
| barber, ''he is generally the man who wants his
| hair clipped down till his head looks nearly
white and the scars just shine out. The more
scars he has the closer he wants the clippers
run. gave up demonstrating with customers
of this class long ago. They are stubborn men
as q rule"
p ECENTLY a Pittsburger, whom we will call
~ Mr.. b, was visiting In New York. and
a gentleman who is famous for his hospitality,
and with whom Mr.. B. was well acquainted,
asked him to dinner.
II want you to come the more particularly"
said the New Yorker, because some English
people over here on a visit will be there, and
I'm rather afraid things will be little slow
and heavy, you know, unless can prevail
upon you and some other good takers to help
us out"
Mr.. b said he would gladly eat good
dinner under his friends roof, and if his con-
versational powers were worth anything. which
he doubted, they were at his friends dis
posaL"
Every kind Of you, I'm sure" the friend re-
piled, "and you won't mind my suggesting that
you might talk about natural gas and the other
wonderful things about Pittsburg; they are
sure to interest the Englishmen, and We shall
get along capitally."
So, on the night appointed, Mr.. B. went to
the dinner with good appetite and a resolve
to exalt Pittsburg's horn in the estimation of
Her Majesty's subjects. The dinner was ex-
cellent; but that was no surprise at that table.
The conversation was general and rather
brighter than usual. 1t did not lag at all. MIR.
B--notlced that the awkward pauses in the
fow Of talk which the host had feared did not
occur. The English guests were by NO means
dumb, and everybody appeared to be well sup
Piled with live topics. At first Mr.. B. telt
relieved, or he told himself that he felt re-
lIeved; but, by and by, as the lady on his left
abandoned him for British pis-a-vfs, and the
lady on his right afforded him more con-
tinuous view of her back-hair than he had any
! use for. he began to hope that the energies of
some of the takers would flag and allow him
to get in q word edgeways. He had not been
able to introduce natural gas, nor even to al
lude to Pittsburg SO far.
At last luA came IN the hubbub Of 20 voices
it was nearing the last courses Of the dinner
when calm often comes. Mr.. b looked at
his host, and reading, as he thought, encour-
agement in his eye. said to the English Baronet
opposite to him: You have not seen natural
gas yet, sir, have you 2"
The Englishman did not reply, or IL he did
what he said was lost In the roar of laughter
that came from all sides of the table. Mr.. B.,
astounded and angry looked at his host-hc
was laughing SO heartily that he had his hand
| kerchief to bis eyes. The room rang with
laughter for several minutes. and toward the
last Mr.. B. Joined in the hilarity.
Everyone laughed when Mr.. B. mentioned
natural gas because their host had warned each
individual that Mr.. BIS hobby was natural
gas; that he rode it dangerously hard, and that
he was certain to drag it into conversation
somehow.
a N inquiry reaches me as to the identity of
John Fiske, an American of sufficient inn
portance to form the subject Of one of Edward
Everett Hale's lectures in Boston last winter.
He is probably ohm Fiske. the publicist and
writer on historical subjects His most note
worthy work is American Political Ideas,
Viewed from the Standpoint Of Universal His
tory" a series of essays in which Mr.. Fiske sets
forth in philosophical manner the principles
of our American system of government If
am not mistaken. Mr.. Fiske is q professor in
Columbia College.
LIE was quaint, queer, profane man. His
uuaintness was his own. his profanity
savored of the oil regions. He invoked the
Deity every time he spoke.
Coming along the single street of the village
where he lived, met him one day and he told
me that he had opened general store and
would be glad to have my custom. As we
parted he added mister, by -, I've got the
blank blaukest ham you ever ater'
More out of liking for the man than for his
provisions, that evening went up to his store.
II want some of that ham, you were telling
me about" said l.
Mister by, we haven't any o. that ham
left, but we've some of the best blank blanked
New Orleans molasses you ever ate," was his
unique reply"
.tTS this seat engaged ?' said a rather pert
young man to a pretty girl who occupied
half of the only seat in the car not filed.
mo, sir; but am r' she replied sharply. land
the pert young man, strange to say, preferred
to stand.
THEY promise US a new play at Harris
Theater this week; new Irish romantic
drama by M. Stuart Taylor. entitled "a sprie
of Green" The play is founded on q novel of
John Banim, the Irish novelist whose books go
years ago enjoyed wonderful popularity Mr.
Taylor's play is founded on one of the Tales
of the O'Hara Family" series of stories pub
lished about 1925 from Banim's pen The rale
chosen is the strongest of them all, entitled
NJ .