The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1890-07-31
Mr.. Togg OH Matrimony,

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My name is Phincas Fogg, and have
been married man for nearly twenty
years. Yes, nearly twenty years of unal'
loyed misery have rolled over my head,
and, for s. wonder, still live to tell the
tale. To ne there Is no interest in the
discussion oc the question, Is Marriage
: Failure ?" Marriage may or may not
be failure; but, in any event, it is
more than either. Il is Fate. That's
what it is; nothing more, nothing less.
don't say that it is inevitable fate, TOR
there are q few lucky dogs that somehow
or other manage 10 escape it busto nine
out of e7cry ten it is fate; like death
and taxes, it il the common lot Of hu.
manity. can look back now snd see
Just how it is. I can also appreciate 10
the fullest extent just what 4 sap,headed
chump was in the days when | vas
spooning around the girls. My old
fsther, peace to his ashes, used to tell me
how it would be, he begged me to go
slow, and not be in such a hurry 10 get
married. "Phin, my boy" be wouldaay,
"gals are nice enough to so courtin.
with, but when it comes to margin of
'em, why, my advice is, don't, that's all."
Like most buys who have just reached
their twenties, thought that pap was
fool, so I sailed in and got married in less
than a week after I had arrived at my
twenty. first birthday. When I brought
my wife home, father didn't say much,
but he looked as though he'd about as
soon seen me buried.
When we went to the barn to put up
the horses, he observed: "Well, Phin, if
you've got burnt, you'll have to sit on
The blister. / hope you have not made
mistake. If you have, it's thunderln'
sight more serious matter than you
think it is" I laughed at the old fellow
and told him 7 was the proudest and
happiest man in the world. "Pap," said
I, "can't you think back and remember
Just how you felt when you were first
married? Have you forgotten your own
courting days 2"
"Not by a blame sight 2" he answered,
and it is the memory of them, contrasted
with the life 7 have led since was mar.
ried, that makes me anxious about you."
Well, I knew that he and mother had
not always got along just as well as they
might, but felt sure that nothing like
that could ever come between me and
Barbara. But I was wofully mistaken.
1 had not been married year, either,
before I discovered that my wife was
bent on ruling the roost. Naturally I
kicked, and kicked vigorously, but I
must say that, after all, it was to little
purpose. You see, a woman has so many
ways of doing a thing that you are
never fully prepared to combat her.
Sometimes she tries q tongue. .lashing,
then again she will come the weeping
act, and another time, when you are
wholly unsuspecting that she has any
ulterior designs, she comes around you,
all smiles and good words, and you are
aoored before you know it.
I suppose every married man has, at
some time or other, tried to reason with
his wife; in other words, to argue
question with her; but I have yet to
hear of q single instance where he ever
accomplished anything. It sometimes,
as in my own case, takes a man q long
time to learn these things, but sooner or
later he gets it through his Uranium.
When fellow enters into the married
state be doesn't realizs that he is surren-
dering forever 9 great many privileges
that as single man he has always enjoy.
ed. For instance, before l married Bar
bara, I was unaccustomed to being asked
every time I went out of m evening
where I was going, what for, when !
would be back, etc. Nor, when I did
return, was there anyone sitting up in
tears, and in B night-gown, waiting for
me, and then to give me q blowing up
that lasted till almost daylight. | tell
you, young men, most any woman makes
8 nice sort of sweetheart, but be very
careful about choosing for wife. In my
experience T have wished thousand
times that l had never been born,
although being born, like getting mar.
ried is, as 1 have already said, part OF
the lot of humanity /; but if man can so
through this world and escape matrimo-
ny he is TO be congratulated. | know
only few old bachelors, but they are
the iolliest fellows I ever met. There's
nv friend Flanders; he is five years my
senior, but be looks ten years younger.
We were boys together, and for a time
he went with my wife's sister, but she
Tilted him and that saved him. Barbara
accepted me, and was glad Of the chance,
I found out afterwards, and here I am
wrinkled, bald headed, weak.eyed and
atoop shouldered, while Flanders is fat
and hearty, contented and prosperous,
not gray hair in his head, aud the jol-
liest old dog that ever cracked q bottle
or told a story. He has even had the
efrontery to frequently joke me about
my matrimonial venture; and at such
times he always winds up by saying,
"Fogg, old boy, I narroSly missed
becoming brother n.law of yours, but
luck was wah me and | escaped"
At such times am sDgry enough with
him to wish that he had wife tor
awhile just to bring him to his senses,
but, after all, Flanders means we'll be-
sides, be has good reasons for feeling
Jolly. So who can blame him-Phineas
Fogg.