Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-09-15

Never in the swim,-the girl with the
expensive bathing suit.
How to catch fish is study. But how
to lie about it comes natural.
No mouse has ever caught a woman
yet. Why all this trepidation?
There are dull times on the farm when
the boy has to turn the grindstone.
It's a mighty little hammock that won't
hold two souls with bnt a single thought.
Corn is an emblem of peace, but it is
never appreciated until it gets on its ear.
A paper devoted to Indians is publish
ed in Washington. We presume they use
copper-faced type.
The easiest money to spend and the
hardest money to save is that which we
have not yet earned.
When mamma gets up soler disturb
ance with her slipper she is pretty sure to
leave spots on the son.
Fine night, said Smithers, looking at
the heavens. No" replied the Boston
girl: You mean infinite"
Il have no grudge against fat people, .
said the steamboat agent, ''but l always
give them a wide berth if 1 cam
In a school examination on mineralogy
Where are diamonds found in the greatest
abundance? At the pawnbrokers.
Groom-A ring around the moon is the
sign OF rain. Bride-And ring around a
woman's finger is the sign Of? Groom
(sadly)-Reign.
80 mamma said little Lord Fauntle-
roy, fresh from the city, pointing to some
sunfowers, lust see those pen-wipers
growing over there!''
Il never realized what was meant by
fingers of scorn," said young Washing
tor man, ''until 1 proposed to a deaf
mute and was rejected"
Hard to please.-Fond Parent-Look
here! | bought you the windmill, now
what do you want? Little WiI!ie-Boo!
hOO-o-ol want the wind.
'Schoolmasters were the origina
switchmen," remarked the horse editor.
Yes replied the snake editor, land
they struck frequently, too"
1t is said that Ward McAllister spent a
great deal of time celebrating whether
to call his book Society as l Found 1t, 3"
or Society as L Founded IT.
An Irishman seeing a Chinaman read
ing Chinese book backward, as is their
custom, exclaimed; Johnny, are you
left-handed, or only cross-eyed?"
Fogg-What did you get for your last
poem? Bogg-Thanks. Fogg - Well,
that was at least something. Bogg-Yes,
the editor returned it with thanks.
81 am going to marry a mansion on Wa
bash Avenue" remarke ed one Chicago wo-
man to another. ANY encumDrance?"
asked her friend. "Only husband"
Little Girl-Your papa has only got
one leg, hasn't he? Veterans little Girl
Yes. Little Girl-Where's his other one?
Veterans Little Girl-Hush, dear; it's in
heaven.
The Kenville Star tells story of a man
buying an orange for a sick wife and re-
turning it the next day, with the an
nouncement that she was dead. 1t says
the story is vouched for.
Teacher Your lesson to-day is on
nouns. Nouns are names of things. Boy
is ghost a noun? Teacher-Yes. Boy
How can it be? They amt no such
things as ghosts.
"What is the difference between ice
and water?" ''Ice is frozen water, that is
all" There is gr eater difference than
that" what is it?" ''Water always
finds its level, but ice is constantly going
up"
What strange survivals of old forms or
speech we constantly meet with 1t if
said, for instance, that there are still
some Old settlers in Chicago VINO refer
10 the Chicago River as 1.-The drink
Poets Wife, see that Bryant, Long
fellow, Lowell and Holmes ala nad or
have an Income outside Uf tile results uf
their literary work. PoeG-Yes, aud L
myself couldn't afford 10 write poetry ii
hadn't u good situation at the ribbon
counter.
A Boston preacher, in speaking of til {
danger vi permitting the Bible to be
crowded out by the newspaper, perpe-
trated the following pun; 'Men, nova
days" said ne, "are like zaccheus -desir-
gus of seeing Jesus, but can not because
OF the press. .