Fairhaven herald. [volume] (Fairhaven, Wash.) 1890-????, 1890-08-19
THE FESTIVE BURGLAR,
Lay Awake for Two Months to
ho" Head Him on.

Lay Awake for Two Months to
10" Head Him on.
u-hst would you do II you heard a bur-
,sr in the houseF
gu no that question has occurred a mill
,,n times, more or less, The first time it
oh athwart my brain bought a bull
~ revolver and Spanish dirk. On sec
W thought added baseball bat to the
ou ";nment, and then for six nights lay
Hte planning how would softly draw
:" some Indispensable garments, seize the
Oi n@ in one hand, the club in the other
aS capture or otherwise dispose of the
surclar. The dirk | would carry in my
.s"stb-I saw no other way.
Strange to say, this armament and my
Iii laid plans did not bring the peace OF
md had expected. The more prowled
.l-n,nd the more agitated became. Twice
sbot at the cat and once gave the hall
tot rack a wicked stab, taking it for bur
glar.
ofmy health that put up burglar alarm
and not get up until had to. The blamed
thing went off every time anybody came in
ar went out, day or night, ana l got so
,rad of the eternal clatter that / cut the
wires and substituted some unpatented de-
vices of my own.
hung a Aatiron on the key of the front
aoor so that it would fall into a dishpan
rIaced underneath; two pokers stood
sgainst the back door, arranged so as to
an at the slightest touch, and at various
ont of the way places | placed baskets
filed with cheap crockery, tinware and
ether articles, so that the burglar would
step into OF against them-at least l fer
vently hoped he would-and give me warn
ing of his advent.
But these schemes didn't work much
better than the burglar alarm. Everybody
| knew got in the habit of calling on me
after had retired, and of course would
forget the fiatiron and send it Gathering
into the dishpan, necessitating awkward
ordinations, and once 1t clattered down
on my toes The cat made a regular prac-
tee Of knocking down the burglar warn
ing pOkers, and if my wife stepped into the
alarm baskets once she did twenty times.
The result was that / fell back on my re-
yolver, club and dirk. also bought me a
watchman's rattle. Two nights later
heard a noise, and looking out of the win
dow saw a man trying my front door. |
fred at him, and the answering howl in
formed me that had missed my neighbor
Brindle, who had been sitting up with sick
manor, at least, he said he had. Three
nights later Isprang the rattle ON my wife 5
aunt, who came from Poughkeepsie on a
late train, and she was so angry that she
wouldn't STAY more than three weeks and
ny wife thinSs we are cut out of her will
rrs IT, g..
or two, until the neighbors began TO circu-
late petition asking me to move out of the
ward.
So told my wife that when | heard a
burglar in the house the plan of campaign
would be as follows: / would first raise the
window sas 4, making as much noise as
possible in doing SO, and spring the rattle
with firm and determined hand. Iwould
then give the burglar two minutes to leave
the house. If he still remained among the
slverware would advance into the upper
hall, beat the stair railing fiercely with a
baseball bat and fire three or four shots
downstairs. | was firmly convinced that
no burglar could withstand such a deter
mined attack, and after 1t had been clearly
outlined beyond the possibility of a mis-
take slept peacefully for the first time in
three months.
The very next morning, when / went
downstairs TO light the fire, encountered
a bare sideboard, and further search re-
yealed the fact that my domicile had been
ransacked from cellar to garnet. IL was a
clean scoop.
Well, there was one consolation. Now
know what would do If burglar broke
into my house.
I'd sleep.-New York World.