Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1890-01-29
How an Editor Used Cheap Valen'
tine to Some Purpose.


Gas a general thing it is not observ-
ed very much, but last st. Valentines
Day was an exception"
"What was the occasion of the ex-
ception ?"
81 caused it myself There was
one man killed and drug store COM
pletely wrecked"
My curiosity was aroused, and l
asked my new acquaintance to dispel
the mystery that seemed to enshroud
the celebration of the previous ST..
Valentines Day.
CPL tell you how it was. had
Just moved here and started my paper.
1 was getting along very well. Sub
scriptions were pouring in at the rate
of ten or twelve a week."
""The people liked your paper, then
did they ?"
eyes, with the exception of two
men. One was druggist, who took
a dislike to me, and tried to hound me
to DEATH"
"In what way ?"
"He not only refused to advertise
in the Bugle, but he told every body
that the paper would not last three
months"
"Who was your other adversary p
"He was regular tough. He
came here with a circus, and was bad
man. He looked like an expire
fighter. Some people said he was a
New York alderman, and hence fug-
tive from justice"
"What did you do to incur his en-
nifty ?"
Nothing at all, except | published
little paragraph to the effect that
there was suspicious character in
town. He said at once that it could
not mean any body else but himself
and that he was going to break me in
two for it the first chance he got"
"Do you think he really meant it p
81 know he did, so | resorted to a
little strategy. Everything is fair in
love and war"
"Where does St. Valentines Day
come in ?"
"That's just what was going to
tell you. l was becoming premature
ly swaybacked toting pistol, so put
up job on the pair. 1t was risky
but out on the frontier you have tc
learn to take risks"
"What did you do?"
Il bought cheap valentine of q
tough with wart as big as an egg
plant on his nose, and blue hair, and
mailed it to the tough after writing
the druggists name on the back of it
l calculated the tough didn't have
brains enough to suppose it might be
a trick, and l was right about it."
"What did he do ?"
"Just what / expected. He walk.
ed in carelesslike and hit the drug.
gist on the jaw"
"Hurt him much ?"
"He turned two summersaults over
the soda fountain and brought up
with thud against the side of the
drug store, so that he cncrusted one
Of the boards with four of his front
teeth"
"That was pretty bad"
"That wasn't all. He Jared the
drug store so that five or six large bot.
ties of liver regulator tumbled down
on him from the top shelf and drench.
ed him with healing balm. However,
he retained his presence of mind,
and hurled an unbroken bottle of it
through the plate glass window as the
tough lodged. He could have put a
full-page ad in the Bugle for year
for the price Of that window, with a
complimentary personal notice thrown
in"
"What did the tough do ?"
"The tough grabbed up box Of
healing ointment and shivered it on
the lachrymal gland of the druggist.
The druggist retaliated by doubling
up the tough with bottle of queer
colored tonic. According to the di-
rections on the bottle the tonic was to
be taken one teaspoonful every half
hour, but the tough had taken enough
at one dose to tone up the stomach of
an ordinary man for month"
"What next ?"
"The tough followed up his victory
by vacinating his adversary on the
ear with box of carbolic salve, while
the druggist raised wen on the
tough's arbicular muscle with bot
tie of female bitters."
"How did it end I"
ut ended tragically. While the
whole neighborhood was smelling like
drug store with a barrel of assafeti-
da leaking in the cellar and a chunk
of Limburger cheese on the stove, the