davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

something done for me or I won't live
ten minutes!"
"Pshaw, Mr.. Bowser-have some
spunk about you! What is a little tooth
ache p
"Grit! grit !" he shouted as he danced
around on one leg. "Tve got more grit
than any seven families like your rolled
together; but this is awful-awful +!
Are you going to lie there and see me
drop dead?"
"You can stop it if you will. Just lie
down and put your mind at work.
Think of something else. Think of being
out in the woods at a May-day festival
beautiful fowers-happy children
green"
"Green-whoop-M-shut up!" he
yelled. Haven't we got any ~paregoric
in the house ?"
eyes, but it's downstairs in the medi-
cine box. Why don't you experiment,
a little, Mr.. Bow3er? If there is any
thing in your theory now is your time to
try it. If you can imagine that"
hot ashes-hot salt-cotton battingl" he
howled, as he pranced around and finally
disappeared downstairs. He was gone
about five minutes and then came back
on the jump with the box under his arm.
He filed his mouth with pain killer, tried
mustard, few to peppermint, and after
%exhausting all the remedies he jumped up
and down in the middle Of the room and
yelled " fire"
l had to get up and go down and stir
up the fire and make a warm p~ouitice for
his law and f1SS around for an hour and
he finally grew easier. Then l said to
him:
"Mr. Bowser, you brought home a
book last night"
"Neverg"
"You brought home a book about the
control of the body by the mind"
"No, l didn't!'
GIN your argument you declared that
the soul was the mind, and that che mind
had control of the body"
"Get into bed and keep still"
"No, sir! You stub your toe. 1t
hurts. You let your mind turn to some"
never said 1T!
"Mr. Bowser, what cured your tooth
ache-faith, imagination or ~liquors?"
"I-I-Who's talking about toothache?
Mrs. Bowser, you get into BID and go to
sleep, and in the morning I'll have a long
talk with you! We don't seem to be
mated to each other, and the matter can
probably be arranged to u mutual salts
faction and without publicity"
Next morning he got downstairs and
got hold Of the book first, and l after
wards found some of the leaves scattered
in the back yard.-DetrOit Free Press.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
THE BURGLARS GAZETTE.
Clippings from the Columns of the
"Long-Felt Want"

A new trade journal reached our Office
last week. Nowadays nearly every trade
and profession is represented by a paper,
but the journal referred to above repre-
sents a profession which has heretofore
struggled along without an organ. Its
title is the Burglars Gazette, and, as it's
name suggests, it represents the burglars.
Why they should send a copy to the
Sytings Office is more than we can under
stand, and we feel hurt at the i~nsinuatiOn.
We may not be pink and white angels,
but we will be bowed if we will stand
coolly by and De called burglars.
In order to give our readers a fair idea
Of the Burglars Gazette, we clip the fol-
lowing from it's columns:
Every live burglar should subscribe
to the Burglars Gazette. 1t is the recog-
nized organ of the profession, and the
editorial on the seventh page entitled
How to Quiet House Dogs is worth
ten times the cost of subscription
"WANTED-A sober, honest pal. Must
have experience in the banking business
and have a good kit of tools. Address
Sharkie, his office. cow"
eve had a very pleasant call last week
from Kid Swipes. Although a young
man, Kid is away up in his profession.
He says business is booming, and he
showed some magnificent specimens of
his industry. Wepredict for him a bright
future. Call again, Swipes, old man, call
again"
"Invaluable Hints to Burglars, or
How to Burgle Successfully. This little
volume should be in the hands of every
burglar in the land. Mailed upon receipt
of ten cents in silver. At"
Don't fail to read our magnificent
premium offer. Send US six yearly sub
scrlptions and you will receive as a pre-
MUM a beautiful silver-plated jimmy of
the latest design. These jimmies are
very stylish, and are used by the elite of
the profession, You can rely on EN-
every time. Now is the time to sub
SCRIBE"
George F.-A san6bag should be
used."'
"Ah! how sad is death! Jimmy Ker-
gee is no more. He died last night sud
denly at the residence Of a citizen on
High street. Had Jim read Invaluable
Hints to Burglars he would now be we'll
and alive. He stood high as a member of
the Burglars Union."-Tsras SJJtjngs.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
WHAT CHOIR SINGERS ARE
PAID.

4 soprano, in an average city, will be
paid. as a beginner, anywhere from SOU
to $500 per annum. AS she becomes bet
t r known, and is in more thorough con- =
mand Of her voice shv will average from
$500 to $500, Boston pays about $500
per anoum better to choir singers than
any other city in my knowledge. Several
sopranos there receive yearly salaries OF
$1,000 and $1,000, and a few $1,000.
4 woman with a good cOntralto voice
will begin at an annual salary OF $500
which, if she il succe ssful, may rise to an
average of $500. There are two churches
in Philadelphia, [ believe, which pay
their contraltos S4OO; but this, in cities
outside of Boston, which as with sopranos,
average about 5000 higher, is unusual.
And even a genuine alto-that rsrest Of
things in these days-will command but
from $500 to $500 per num The Hub,
of course, does better than this, by adding
500; but ever with this addition, none
of these salaries appear precisely eXtrav-
agant, or to admit of much luxury in liv-
ing, and salaries are rarely increased.
Should a rival church make an offer for
a voice, if the first church is desjroUs Of
retaining it, the rivals price IS OVerold,
and the voice retained.
But this is the only reason, OF which
I have KIN Wedge, for increasing salaries.
However, it must be remembered that
this salary is paid for singing only at two
services, and for attendance at n or two
rehearsals a week. All the rest Of the
singe's time is her own to dispose of as
she pleases. If she proves an apt pupil o
her new master, he will send to her, for
instruction, scholars whom he has not
the time to teach. Or, she may secure
engagements to sing at different church
concerts, or, laying aside her music, may
take to sewing, painting, decorat ng, or
any of the many way in which girls are
apt to make a living. No work must be
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
TO COUN TY ALLIANCE PRES!
DENTS.

OLD SPARTA, N. c., Feb. 20, 80.
In accordance with section Is Of IL,
statutory laws of the National body
have this day appointed Bro. J. B. Olive
Mt. Olive, State Crop Statistician, a..
request that each County President 81
ace select a county crop statistician al
report his name and address to the Sta
officer. These county officers will be =
quired to make there reports during L.
year. One May lst, showing acreag-
one August lst, showing condition, 81,
one in November, showing yield. T.,
Alliance is in a position to compile III,
most reliable agricultural report eve
issued, and I rust the officers will appre
ciate the necessity of it.
ELIAS CARR, Pres't N. c. F. S. A
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
BOOK OF ACTS OF THE HAY
SEEDS.

And it came to pass when Grover de-
parted from the White House that Ben
jamin reigned in his stead.
And Benjamin spoke to all the people
in his message and said, behold your
taxes shall be kept very high so that you
shall be prosperous and happy.
And the Lord blessed the farmers with
bountiful crops, yet they prospered not.
For their substance was devoured by
the tax gatherers, and by those who
loaned money at usury, and by such as
collected tolls on the iron highways.
Then there rose a great murmuring
among the people And they said, how
long shall we suffer these things? Have
we not been robbed, 10, these many
years? Can a man raise II cent corn and
pay 3 per cent. a month?
And the tillers of the soil said n to
another, go tol let US bind ourselves IN a
great alliance. And it was so.
And many scoffed and said it would
come to naught Can the farmers stick tc-
gether? And they laughed. Selah.-
Farmers Alliance.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

He Was so Glad of Finding a New
Relative in Mi. Dusenberry.

He Was so Glad of Finding a New
Relative in Mr.. Dusenberry.
sob, Mr.. Dusenberry," cried her little
brother, I'm so glad you are going to be
kin t. me-"
"Ah, Johnny, is that SOP" he gasped,
a look of happiness fitting over his face.
"How did you know? Come here and
sit on my lap and tell me all you have
heard"
Sisters other fellow came here last
night" began the boy, after he was safely
n the arms of the young man, devOuring
a quarters worth of candy, and heard
them talking bout you"
What did they say? ?"
He was mad" replied the terror,
"'cause sis goes with you so much"
"And what was her reply to him ?"
continued the young man, the look of
happiness spreading further across his
features.
"She said" began the youth, again,
" that he needn't get mad cause you come
to see her, as you was a soft snap and
was saving him lots of money that would
90 to fxin' up their house after they were
married"
The look of cOntentment on the young
mans face gave way to the pallor of de-
spair as he gasped:
Well, how is that to make me kin to
your
Cob" went on the boy, I'm coming
to that now. She said that when you pro-
posed to her she would a sister to you;
and won't that make you my brother p
As the boy picked himself off the floor
he beheld the form of the young man fit
through the front door.-4Hanta CON-
StjtutiOn.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
3GEtry.
A BE TRUE TO ME-"

A New York State Senator, when
asked at q social gathering why he would
not take anything stronger than water, is
said to have responded with the follow
ing verses:
What makes me refuse a social glass? Well I'll
tell you the reasO l why
Because a bonnie, b~lue-eyed lass is ever stand
And 1 hear her voice above the noise of the jest
As with b46y grace she kissed my face, and says
Papa, be true 10 me-"
What can 1 do to my lass to be true better than
let it pass by? L =
/ know youU not think my refusal to drink a
breach of your courtesy;
For / hear her repeat in accents sweet, and her
dear lit g form l see,
As with loving embrace she kisses my ace, ana
says. g Papa, be true to me-
Let us offer a toast to the one I love most, whose
dear little will l obey,
Whose influence sweet is guiding my feet over
lies tOilsOme way:
NAV the sun ever shine on this lassie Of mine,
from sorrow may she be free,
For with baby grace shh hath kissed my face, and
said :" Papa, be true to me.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
BOUND TO START RIGHT.

A young fellow was iDquiring Of officer
Button at the Thir street depot about
the train for the north, when the officer
queried in return:
Did you come in this morning"
Eyes"
with a young woman?"
Yes"
81 thought 50. 1 took you for a bridal
couple"
Yes, so we were.''
"And are you going back alone p
"Thats what's the matter. We were
married day before yesterday and came
here on a tour. She was all right when
we got here, but in about an hour we
had a fuss. She wanted a diamond ring.
and [ couldn't buy it. Diamonds Just
think of it. I've got $25 in cash and
twenty acres of land, expect to have to
live on beans for the next six months to
pull through.
And where is she now ?"
"Over at the hotel. l left her non
to pay her bill and get home, and sic
can stay or come. Better have this thing
settled from the start, you know. Some
folks are built to wear diamonds, and
some to eat Johnny cake. I am a Johnny
cakist. There's my train. If she comes
in to see the next just see her aboard, but
don't encourage her any. It's a row to
see who shall be boss and the best man is
going to win Detroit Free Press.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
ALMOST CAUGHT.

Mrs. observation-disclosures, I want this
room re-papered. What is your favorite
color?'
Newmarried-O yellow, I guess.
Mrs. Newma, ried-That is funny: l
thought it was red.
Observation-Disclosures Where did you
get that idea?
Mrs. Newmarried-Why in yours sleep
last night you kept saying: "Give me
some nor red! I want some more
reds Plight.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
IMPORTANT NOTICE.

There will be a called meeting of the
Durham County Farm .rs' Alliance on
Tuesday, My 1874 al ~ o'clo;k a. u %
attend t. important business. The Sub
Alliances Of the C unties Of Alamance,
Caswell, Chatham, Orange. Durham, Per-
son, Wake, Granville and Moore are ear
nestly requested to send delegates in
structed as t how mach stock they will
take in the establishment of a plug fac
tory in the town of Durham. Meeting
for the delegates at l o'clock p. m.
P. 81. MASSEY, Pres't.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
The BOW 5ERS.
Mr.. Bowser's Experience with the
Mind Cure,

MluQ NuGGs
After supper TIE other night Mr. Bow
ser went to his overcoat pocket and got
out a small book and began reading it,
and after waiting long enough to let him
understand that I had no curiosity on the
subject l queried:
"Something new on poultry ?"
"No."
at isn't Hoyle?'
mo"
"Well, what is it?"
81 can tell you the title of it, but you
can't understand. 1t is a very, very deep
work"
ooh, it is! You can understand a
very, very deep work and l can't"
Naturally. Man has the stronger,
deep r mind, of course. The title of this
work is: Natures Diseases and Rene
dies-Control of the Body by the Mind"
"Bosh !"
What! What's that"
"You are too old to waste time on such
nonsense, Mr.. Bowser."
"Nonsense! Why, it's the ~plainest
principle of philosophy in the world.
The human body is but clay, the soul is
immortal. The soul is the mind. The
H1AIu OuSHI " O0 oOlO W COutIOl Luo
body"
Yes, in some cases.
In all cases, Mrs. Bowser. For in
stance, you STUD 20 T toe. 1t hurts. You
let your mind turn to something else and
the pain ceases"
"HumphI"
"That's It'll That's the usual way of
the ignorant-ridicule what they can't
arguea and discuss in a sensible manner.
[ have often wondered if you really had
a soul"
Don't worry yourself, Mr.. Bowser.
If [ haven't got any soul I've got some
common sense"
Every well, It's no use to talk to a
person brought up in a log house on the
edge of a huckleberry marsh. I know
that the mind can control the body.
You deny it. l hope to furnish you with
proofs within the week"
He was to furnish them that night.
We were about ready to go upstairs and
he had been out bAreheaded and in his
slippers to see if the barn door was locked
when he suddenly gave a great start and
cried out:
"Gee-mi-my to J3hnSonI'
What's the matter 2"
THAT tooth tried TO Jump clean out of
my head. Whew! vi! Hang it i"
He sat down to hold his jaw and heave
to and fro, and | said:
"Your tooth jumps. 1t hurts you.
You let your min turn to something else
and the pain ceases
He looked up a. me with the CLINT of
pounded glass IN his eyes, and was about
to reply in kind, when the jumper jumped
in on him again and he seized his jaw and
and yelled
"Great Scots to scatteration, but I
can't stand this Get me some cam
phorl"
I got him some, and after a time the
pain eased up and he went to bed. He
expected me to say something about:
Control of the Body by the Mind" but
| was waiting. knew that he wouldn't
get off so easily, and I could afford to give
him a little time. 1 was just falling
asleep when Mr.. Bowser suddenly lifted
his feet high in the air and uttered a
whoop which set a neighbours dog to
barking, followed by the remark:
Thunder and lightningI'
Mr.: Bowser, are you aSleep?" [ asked.
Asleep! Mol I'm deal Say, this
internal thing has come back on me!
Where's that c~amphor?"
"On the bureau, dear, but it won't do
you no good"
"Oh-h-h-hl Jewhittaker :? My stars
and soul. but she's jumping my jaw right
out of its socket! I've got to have
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

The National Economist Almanac is the
cheapest and most valuable publication
ever been presented to the public. 1t is
a perfect handbook and gives valuable
facts nowhere else to be found. For two
cash subscribers to The PROGRESSIVE
FARMER, we will mail a copy of the
almanac postpaid. You cant afford to do
without it. Ii is worth ten times the
price.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

undertaken which will in any way con-
fict with the choir singing, for this, re-
member, is the reason of her existence.
She is first aud before all else a singer;
that is her profession. Let this never be for
e tten.-E ALjne Osgood, in Ladies Home
Journal,
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

Rowan County Grit.

The unsigned has bought the Rowsr
County Milestone Quarry of E. E. Phillirt,
deceased, and viii continue to supply fne
public demand for Millstones from TIA
celebrated grit. Millstones and all kinos
of Granite work delivered on board cara
at Salisbury, n. O., at the lowest possible
price. Address,
J. 7. WYATT,
Lock box 40, Salisbury, n, c.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
A E STRIKER.

Uncle Ned.-"Does your father ever
play ball, Tommy ?"
Tommy with the recollection of a re-
ent chastisement in mind).-"No: but
l am sure, if he did, hat he would make
a great batting average."-Lippincott' is
MGgazins for June.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
Beware Of Fraudulent ImitatOIS!

See that our Trade Mark (same as above)
appears on each jug.
Send for book q History Of Microbe Killer"
given away by Lee, Johnson Il Co Druggists,
sole agents, corner Fayet eVille and Martin
streets, Raleigh, N. G.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

THE CAROLINA REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT COMPANY.
FLORENCE, s. c.
has brought par from the first day was offered has ady earned n@o@t@ pyss 'N "~n
Three Per Cent Dividend,
And wi" me 0hno"n@td its pOp"yn Florence vii" soon do far bette" d"h this The Company owns
Fifteen Hundred Lots in Florence and Vicinity,
The Lowest Pr" a" T5h amy @Ss4 h ps S Sn sol" %d s@g IS &c., TSr H%n many y@ %@ e % worth "s~ more The
"EIonae1and-"
Offering Its osin a@a dhhonn vaev o~m for homes :" 500 EACH ybs once dollar in cash and one dollar
per month at only ax pr@ cent interest on unpaid balance
Over s12 1000 Worth Sold the Fist Day,
And e@ sales have been cuhunga steadily ane while numaYf awus from ami have invested There
A Few on the Same Terms,
Bmty ares going YER rapidly and The Company will on the fmd lay of July putt the 6e
One Hundred and Twenty-Five Dollars,
Thus assuring hose purchasing now a handsome pmm
stock" Nv" w TbR an@en H mF T %omE0 oFS F H. 5SUT III % sT9a oGT hm We
""d T therefore, a310 o o$s hm I'm % S GH@P"y" and
cdumna
Limited Number of Shares of our stock,
s%,u until it is Iyy ppd without interests No more han SH shares to ANY one P person. I" MONTH";
We are also DESTROYS of rddngn tracts of land in the different sections d the South and to tina end would be
pleased to correspond with He having surplus hd% dhpoe Of
WE WILL BUY FOR CASH.
Or propositions will rmrd for art stock of our ompnym and par" cash. or from desirable ma we will con-
Interpretations for all stock
osnd d9 % iG I. rs n a%mS SSah H@ o% n r2 %ss %9a S S%hg5 ives %h T. S G6n has, sS S %5% } ES sbM TaS4
years of study
holdings
THE CAROLINAR REAL ESTATE AND INVESTMENT COMPANY,
FLORENCE, 8 o.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03

dition to wage workers for homes at $500 each, payable one dol
per month, at only six per cent. interest on unpaid balance.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
Limited Number of Shares of our s


/ for part stock of our company and part cash, or from desir
slider propositions for all stock.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-06-03
8umsEhn1a.
GINGER CAKE.

GINGER CAKE.
Two eggs, n cup soul milk, n cup
molasses, one cup brown sugar, two tea
Spoonfuls saleratuS, one heaping teaspoon
full ginger, a little salt.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-07-05
MARK TWAlN'S FRANKS.

A Peculiar Custom of the Humorist at
 His Home in Hartford.
 Whenever Mark Twain has a large dinner party at his home in Hartford, says the New York COmmercial-Adver- tiser, particularly when he has any Englishmen for guests, he is in the habit, it is said, of rising at what he considers the proper moment, without any warning or explanation and begin ming set speech of a humorous kind He usually occupies from fifteen to twenty minutes and does his best to en- certain and tickle his auditors. Some times his efforts, always premeditated and carefully prepared, are highly sue cessful; sometimes they are not. Humor can not be fabricated to order. But they are invariably laughed at. of course. II is an absolute requirement. of common politeness that they should be, when a host demands laughter as a return for hospitality. Twain likes to be regarded as eccentric and original; and this is unquestionablyor original. No man that have ever heard of, either here or abroad, regularly makes formal speeches at his own table, especially without premonition. Twain evidently thinks he has reputation to sus- tain and he sustains it in the extra ordinary manner described. He might be funny, if he chose, while keeping his seat; the position would not mar his fun. But that would not be sufficiently emphatic to suit him, so he prefers to impress his guests with a full con- sciousness of his premeditated determi- nation to do something worthy of the occasion. It may be that he is thus seeking to advertise himself by his post prandial harangues-a disposition with which he is sometimes credited. Doing the thing in that way is in itself so comical that he could not hope, how ever preposterous his jests might be, to say any thing half so good.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-07-05
SAMBO ON DUTY,
He Had Both Eyes on the Crowd and
 Kept Things in Order.

He Had Both Eyes on the Crowd and
 Kept Things in Order.
 There is only one man in the South more envied than the colored fireman on locomotive, and he, says the New York Sun, is the colored policeman. He is fully cognizant of this fact and governs himself accordingly. One "court day. in an Alabama town seven or eight dusky citizens stood staring at an officer who had just got into his uniform for the first time that day. He passed and repassed them several times without a look, although his own father and several old friends were among them. His desire to hear what they had to say finally led him to stop and demand:
 What yo' all doin' yere?"
 'Lookin'," replied one of the crowd. "What yo' all lookin' at2"
 'Lookin' at yo'."
 'What about me?"
 "Yo' is as fine as silk. Hu! But wouldn't I dun like to be in yo' placer "Yo' nebber kin gitup dis high, James Johnson" answered the officer.
 But your ladder kin.''
 'NO; ne can G
 ''Can't yo', Misser Blivens?" appealed the young man.
 "Reckon mought if I was younger" answered the father, who was old and bow-legged and bow-backed.
 "You will dun cum long wid mel" said the son as he collared him.
 "Whoa! What fur yo' rest me, Bill?" ''Fur stealin'."
 ''But hain't dun stole nuff1n'r'
 "Yes yo' hev! Six y'ars ago yo' an me an Jim stole dat ar white hog from Marsa Ben Jackson an cut him up in de woods, an Ize had my eye on you eber since yisterday. Now. den, kin yo' be policeman in dis town?"
 "No, Bill-no!"
 ''Kin Julius, or James Johnson?"
 "No-no!''
 ''Kin any of de rest of dis crowd?" "No-nov'
 "Den I'll let you go, but be mighty keerful in de fucher. Ize got boaf eyes on dis crowd, an Ize gwine to come down wid an awful smash when I jump. De United Staits didn't dun make no mis- take when dey called on me to help up- hold de constitushun. Yo' niggers stand back and keep dis sidewalk cl'ar or I'll make desc streets swim with hloodr,