davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
CURRENT TIMELY TOPICS.
Two soda water fountains might be called
pair Of sizzers.

Two soda water fountains might be called a
pair Of sizzers.
SENATOR DELAMATER, In recent speech,
said that his first investment was made in buying
wool. He is still engaged in pulling wool over
the farmers eyes.
THE child born with silver spoon in its
mouth is clearly old-fashioned, says the Detroit
Free Press. The Pennsylvania youngster who
was born with a cause of action against railroad
company IN Its pocket-if 1t had a pocket-has the
call.
THE campaign cry in Texas this fall will be
''Root, Hogg, or die"
No less than go overworked Congressman
were in Boston during the g. A. r. festivities.
Some of them will have hard time of it sQuaring
themselves with their supporters.
BABY MCKEE was conspicuous by its ab-
seuce at Boston. In speaking of the matter the
Boston Globe asks: t'Where, oh where was Baby
McKeeP With that aching void filed nothing
would have been left to desire.'
DEMOCRATIC Congressman have already de.
feated Speaker Reed for reelection, but when the
ballots are cou nted in November it will be found
that the voters have elected him.
MORE hammocks have been sold this season
than in any previous season. 1t is accounted for
on the ground that they have been made to hold
two single persons very comfortably.
THE cranberry crop has been seriously dam
aged bv insects and drouth. Now If the sugar
crop should be injured by some hook or crook,
cranberry pies will be q scarce article, and as a
consequence more happiness will prevail.
b.. KEMMLER's execution appears to have
shock the entire country. The results were not
the same however.
THE green goods men who attempted to
.swindle the Presidents have been appre-
hended and will be punished. The green goods
men who sprung the sire on an unsuspecting pub
lie have escaped scot free.
MRS. LANGTRY has abandoned her proposed
American tour. Surely the American people have
a good deal to be thankful for this year, and
Thanksgiving Day cannot come any too soon.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
OLDEST APPLE TREE IN OHIO
Bearing. Apples, Buds and Blossoms
Throughout the Whole Season.

Bearing. Apples, Buds and Blossoms
Throughour the Whole Season.
ESPECIAL TELEGRAM TO THE DIsPArcH.I
PARKERSBURG, August 14-There is an
apple tree on the Silas Oaks farm, at Newbury,
Ohio, a few miles below this city, which is be-
lieved to be the Oldest ana largest apple tree in
the State of Ohio. The tree is 10 feet in cir
conference few feet above the base 1t is a
prolific bearer of bright yellow apples. One
strange feature is that the tree. like the orange
bears and renews its crop continually, through
the season. Its broad branches are covered
with buds, blossoms and fruit in all stages of
advancement at the same time.
The old tree is now beginning to decay on
one side and to show its great age. 1t was
planted by man who came into this country
in 1871 from Old Virginia, bringing this tree
ndothers with him. He settled on the spot
where to-day is seen only the most beau tiful
valleys on the Ohio river while the aborigines
were still roaming the country killing and
burning out the few settlers The old settler.
whose name is forgotten, was himself killed
and scalped by the redmen near the spot where
the tree stands.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
A PRETTY GOOD APPETITE.
Blue Heron Shot With Thirty Nine Trout
In Its Nav. .

PoRTv1LLE. Pa, August A.-James shu-
man. of this place, shot blue heron on Page
creek yesterday which had SO brook trout in its
stomach. none of them in the least advanced
toward digestion, showing that the big bird
had taken them all at the meal it was still en-
gagged in securing when it was shot AS alarge
number of these immense birds have been
fishing along Page creek for couple Of weeks
past incalculable numbers of trout must have
been destroyed by them if 80 trout, none less
than yearling, are not sufficient for one meal
for single heron.
No one remembers having ever seen heron
along the brook before. and party is to be or
ganized TO hunt the army of greedy marauders
stood four feet high, and measured seven feet
from tip to tip Of its wings.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

IT appears that the holding up" of the
appointment of the Soldiers Homes Board Of
Management is due to the rivalry of Secretary
Blaine and Speaker Reed. The illustrious
character of the disputants will console Colo
mel Pearson and the other managers for the
delay in their confirmation, of course.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
1T TASTES OF. SULPHUR.

Theory Regarding the Drinking Water
of lIcKeesporr. .-....
ESPECIAL TBLEGRAM TO THE DIsPATcH.1
MCKEEsPoRT, August A-The people here
have been complaining for the past two weeks
at being obliged to drink water that was bitter
and almost unfit for use. The water comes
from the Youghiogheny river. from which the
MeKeesport supply is drawn, and the queer
taste cannot be accounted for, unless it be that
the large amount. of limestone and sulphur
which runs into it is becoming more noticeable
now that the river is very low.
This is the theory Of experts here, and they
have no way Of improving 1t
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
An ENJOYABLE Programme.

The sixth summer night concert of the Will
lam Guenther's series was given last evening at
Silver Lake Grove. and was very enjoyable,
The programme was as follows, the band and
the orchestra playing alternately: Concert
music, entire Great Western Band; march,
s.National Fencibles" bv Sousa; overture "a
Brass Monkey" by Zimmerman; selection.
..Tannhauser,"i r. Wagner; medley, i'The
Jolly Minstrel" by Brooks; "Paraphrase
Melody in F." by Rubenstein; gavotte Joy of
the Heart" by Fischer; fantastic, 'The Bat"
by Strauss; "On the Plantation" by Puerner:
galop, "Silver Lake" by Weis.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

POETS may sing all they have mind to
in praise of azure skies, but we are free to
confess that the prosaic gray of the heavens
which the signal service has permitted us to
enjoy for several days is very pleasant relief
from the glare of cloudless skies in midsummer.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
A FIGHTING REGIMENT.
Enjoyable Reunion of the One Hundred and
Forfieth Ohio Volunteer Veterans.


ESPECIAL TELEGRAM TO THE DISPATCH,
" ELLsvILLE. o., August 4.-The twenty
first annual reunion of the One Hundred and
Fortieth Regiment. Ohio Volunteers, Infantry,
was held in this city yesterday and to-day, and
was attended by $50 members. The meetings
were held in the opera house, and were very
interesting throughout. General ]. W. Reilly
presided at the camp fire. After the presi-
dents Introductory remarks short addresses
were made by Major j. F. Riddle, Rev J. c.
Taggart, Captain S. s. Cope, William Grinnell
X. Y. Taggart and others. The One Hundred
and Fortieth is one of the most illustrious of
Ohio's regiments. 1t was always at the front,
and more than one victory can be credited to
1t. During the siege of Knoxville it was Pc
tit1oned by the city to be retained by that place
as special proval guard
A reunion of all those who participated in the
siege Is to be held at Knoxville on October Z,
. and y. to which this regiment has special
invitation. Their next reunion is to be held in
Kent, o., sometime in August 1891.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

OUR esteemed and humorous cotemporary
the New York Sun suggests that one word
through Chauncey Depew's remodeled nose
were worth ten thousand men in the settlement
of the Central strike 1t is questionable if Mr..
Depew's nose would serve him so well in this
instance as his ayes to the strikers demands.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

The electric towers above Allegheny are
giving great satisfaction, it is believed, in the
planet Mars and other remote heavenly bodies,
but the Councils of the former place decided
last night to turn on the gas to light the
streets
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

adler Guards will become loyal and obedient.
The experience of the United States Navy, ex-
emplifed in the case of a certain illustrious
Captain recently courtmartialed, has taught us
that Bermuda has demoralizing effect even
upon martinets Of the fiercest description.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

ALLEGHENY is kicking because Gov
ernor Beaver does not proclaim her city of
the second class. 1t might be wise TO wait un-
til Porters electrical counter officially figures
out the returns of the enum orators. The
Northsiders should not even be content with
playing second fiddle Why not take a first
violin in Pittsburg's grand orchester?
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
BUSINESS AND PLEASURE

To be Combined BY the Pennsylvania
Reserve Association.
The Executive Committee of the Ninth
Regime ent, Pennsylvania Reserve Association,
accepted the invitation of the Gettysburg
Monumental Commission to attend the dedica-
tion OF the ten monume ents Of the Reserves on
Pennsylvania Reserve Day, September 2.
They will leave Pittsburg on Monday, Septem-
Der l, at o'clock. The committee also decided
to hold the annual reunion of the Reserve As
soclation on September H. at Rock Point,
while enjoying the festivities of the Grand
Army picnic at that place.
All comrades of the Ninth have been ordered
to report for duty at Rock Point on September
IL, with one days rations.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
THE destiun of the condemned murderer.

THE destiny of the condemned murderer,
Smith. seems somewhat uncertain. By Gov
ernor Beavers command he is to be hanged on
the 9th instant, but a lunacy commission has
declared him a lunatic, and Judge Magee
yesterday ordered his removal to Dixmont. 1t
is to be hoped that the poor wretch will escape
the halter, but the process of his salvation via
Dixmont strikes us as irregular. 1t will be
very bad precedent.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
A RETRACTION MADE.
Suit of Watch Case Manufacturers Likely
to be Withdrawn.

ESPECIAL ELEeRAM TO THE DIsPATcH.t
CANTON, August 14-The great suit of the
Dueber Watch Case Company against the New
Y ork World will probably be withdrawn. This
company is the only large mandatory outside
of the American Watch Trust which has boy
cotted its goods for three years. The World
has persisted in advertising Dueber- Hampden
watches for subscription prizes. In answer to
protest from the Canton company, the World
added insult,to injury, by proclaiming that the
Dueber Company was in the trust.
This led to an injunction IN the New York
courts yesterday and papers for $780, 900 dam
age suit. The result was a complete retraction
by the World to the Dueber eompany's at
tOrney to-day,
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

SOME of us would rather be Kelly, the
ball player, than ] issident. Boston's great
catcher can take ball or a cottage without
exciting unfavorable comment. But Mr.. Har-
rison knows now that he cannot.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

KING ARTHUR ROBERTSON will wave
Excalibur over the green Monongahela to-day,
and if the water supply of the southside does
not become as pure as a maiden's prayer and as
plentiful as the bon. Andy's admirers at once,
we shall be disappointed.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
THE MAGAZINES WAY,

7 N the Office of great magazine. Editor Ito
would-be humorist)-Oh, yes; your jokes
are good enough, as jokes go. but have never
seen any Of them in print before. Our matter
must be well-seasoned by time. you know.
Print your jokes in the daily papers and bring
them back to us after they have gone the
rounds of the press.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

SOUTH DAKOTA is coming out strong
with thunderbolts and forest fires. A new
State should curb its appetite for pyrotechnics
on grand scale. Such exhibitions are i'm
,nodest
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

ANOTHER case of the unwarranted use of
the revolver by colored policeman was
brought to light yesterday. Inspector Nc
Aleese is to be commended for his vigilant
supervision Of his men.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

ANOTHER master of English, the peerless
Ruskin, is likely soon to follow the illustrious
Newman 1t is sad to read of the wreck of
that splendid intellect.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

THE fruit crop is dismal failure, and re-
ports from Boston indicate that the gallant
old soldiers and sailors have completely ex
hausted all the beans in sight there.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

EDITOR DANA and Chauncey Depew
have been interviewed in Europe on the New
York Central strike. The interviews are re-
markable for showing what they do not know
about IL
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

IF the Republicans who oppose Mr..
Quay's resolution have their way they will find
that all the force is not in the Federal election
bill.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

THERE is room for new summer diver
sion. Baseball is not what it once was, and
nothing has yet arisen to take its place.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

A NEW virtue is imputed to the balmy
air OF Bermuda Under its inspiration the
British Government hope the rebellious Gren.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

THE electric light towers in Allegheny
come high and the people do not want them.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15
TERMS OF THE DISPATCH,

rosTAGE FREE IN THE UNITED STATES.
DAILY DISPATCH, one Year. 500
DAILY DISPATCH, Per Quarter. 200
DAILY DISPATCH One Month 20
DAILY DISPATCH, including sunday, year 10 90
DAILY DISPATCH including Sunday, m'ths. so
DAILY DISPATCH, including Sunday, lmonth 90
SUNDAY DISPATCH, One Year. $50
WEEKLY DISPATCH, One Year................ i Is
THE DAILY DISPATCH is delivered by carriers at
JEcents per week, or including Sunday edition,
at 20 cents per week.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-15

Vol IS No. 1S9.-Enterec at Pittsburg Postofhce,
November "A, 1857. second-cIass matter.
Business Ofhce--Corner Snlithfleld and
Diamond Streets.
News Rooms and Publishing House--75,
II and 7o Diamond Street.
EASTERN ADVERTISING OFFICE ROOMS n,
TRIBUNE BUILDING, NEW YORK, where
complete files of THE DISPATCH can always be
found. Foreign advertisers appreciate the con-
venience. Home advertisers and friends of THE
DISPATCH, while in New York. are also made
welcome,
TIE. DISPATCH Is regularly on sale a
Brentdno'S linton Square, NeaU York, and
~ Ave. de POperd. Parts. France. Where any
one lOho has been disappointed at a hotel
HelUS stand can obtain IL.
The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-06-01
A Trial of Wit.

Berthelde, Of Bertagnoma, near Vero-
ma, a curious character, was conducted
to the court Of A1boin,, the first king of
the Lombards, where he was challenged
to a trial of wit by the hing. And this,
says an old French book, is the substance
of the discourse, as it Is preserved In the
ancient records of the country: What
thing is that which flies the swiftestg''
cried the monarch. Thought" an
swered Bertholde. "What is the gulf
that is never filed The avarice of
the miser." 'What is most hateful in
young peopleY' tsSelf conceit, because it
makes them incorrigible." "Who are
the most lavish of their caresses?'
''Those who intend TO deceive Us, and
those who have already done it." "What
are the things most dangerous m a houseS'
"a wicked wife and the tongue Of q ser
want" what way viii you take to
bring water in a sieveT 'T'n stay till 1t
is frozen" How viii you catch hare
without running Il will wait till
find her on the spit. Exchange.
The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-06-01
A New wr,nAI. Knoos.a o,,

lie walled into the Pennsylvania rail-
road depot IN jersey City with pert
look on his fare, and, advancing 90 Cna
Of ths benchcs, he stead his SILVER hAn-
died umbrella on end. produced a chain
and paddock from bis pocIe&. and, run.
mig ora end Of the chain through tho
open handle. 10 made the umbrella fast
- the sest and said 70 tbs nearest mani
Il haven't Travelled over thus country
for FIVE years without learning a thiug.
or two"
10 went away sniling and whistlinZ,
but had scarcely Ieft tho waiting rUou1
WHEN along came snotherdappe- fellow,
wearing check suit and kEzy1ng q
smooth cheek, and he yzalksd night 'up
70 the umbrella, produoed = tzros cor
Eered fils from his pocket, and in tw1
minutes be had fled the chain IN two.
He pat chain and lock e. hiG pocket.
shouldsrsj ths umbrella and VzIxed OF
with ire ob-ervstiou:
IL tas .oIlsr who i smarter than chain
lightning cer-es ba1z and asks who DID
il. tell hiIiit v-as r. haynessl who rad nsyer-
been OF tas ia-E bsiogs!---Esw YORK
Szu
The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-06-01

awhile and pulling out his or her choic-
est alimentary while you could say scat.
Lions killed and dressed while you
wait was his advertisement
$50 he come out on the grounds and
says Boys, it's about time to play ball.
We've stood about enough Of this news
paper talk and inexpensive wind. l am
a little teller and amt ashamed. And
now if you viii aid me by your applause
| you viii see one of the best fights you
ever saw
with that Goliath, big coarse teller
with whiskers Ike load O. hay, sails out
and laughs long, coarse, Norman laugh
house and says, % mamma! Look at
his hdlets! Shall we spank him, gents,
and send him back to the primary school,
or feed him to the coyoteSY
"Dave says: Coli, I amt no match fer
you in size, but you are a Universaist
and I'm putin my belief agin' yourn
this day. If l put you to sleep, we
gather in your camp and pile up the back
charges on our pension roll. If you do
me up, you get Endorsement from foreign
powers and have fun with the Israelites
And now, when you're ready, say SO,
you low, coarse thing. Put up your
DOCKS seq he, and damaged be him
coatin' from Shakespeare, for Dave was
a great reader, and could coat from all
the poets for hours at time, whereas
Coli was chump, besides bein' free
thinker.
"Well, time was called. They blowed
on some sackbuts and such things and in
they sailed. Before Coli could get his
bread hooks on Dave the thing was over.
Dave jerked rock at him and it clave
his skull, as the Bible goes on to state.
Several Of his favorite brains oozed out
and left him nothing to think with. See?
$50 down went Goliath to the bottom
Of the wall, as the poet gets it off, and
Dave takes his pelt home to show that
he's the lalla, you bet you, and he got
the stakes. Also the tenderloin and a
little of the dark meat, and he prospered
till the COWS come home, and Dave could
have been county clerk If he'd of just
said the word.
But they don't run scrappin' into
politics now as they used to. You
should learn from this story that if you
are right you will have no trouble in
knockin' out sin with moss agate but
if you amt right, you might be as big as
the Statue of Liberty and your name
wo11ld still he Dennis. We will sing
now, and then 1 visit you'd go home
quietly and think over this yarn, and
say what you mean and then stick to it.
Goliath was good rink attraction, but
he couldn't always deliver the goods he
advertised. And now go home, boys.
Do right, and if any man interferes
knock him over the ropes and the band
Will play Annie Laurie"
School was then dismissed.
The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-06-01
his Reform Vow Possible.

">sauantna. I wish l could break myself Of
this slAviSh habit q smSklng!7 said MT.
Chugwater, despairingly. I'D give worlds
Il ! c0zld do it,
"WM you Be guided By ny advice, josiah
asked Ma ChugwAtsr.
What do you know about such thingsf
he denAnded-
Never mind what" sas replied VIII
you promise 20 do exactly what PrsscriSsF'
''P0r how lcrgF
''Fer ABOUT tao wees
'.oh, y@-Sne sad. Estleszly. Go ahead
vita Jour prescription.
Nrx CAugvster lett lie room and returned
70 . Hasnsns with = 5or q 20 clgars-
"Jozsh.7 shs said, tez&e-iy. Il bou-ht
ts.se e = psddler for Gfgv osu1s, az I've
ben saving them for you You VII snoks
fourteen Of tzsu every day I'll tb<T szs a.
gazs. --CAEc4gs Tribune
The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-06-01

The straw berry box JOKE is coming on
the market IN small lots First rate
strawberry jokes, like the bottoms of the
strawberry boxes, come high Wequote
gilt edged, $3.50 to s.; fair to prime, 90
cents to $1:S5.
Ice cream jokes are more expensive
than they were last year; rs cents each
for fair; shelf worn ice cream jokes, and
those saved over from Last season, are
unstable. Ice cream jokes with tyro-
toMcon attachments command slight
advance on quoted figures.
There is no demand for mother-in-law
jokes, and their manufacture has ceased
at the regular joke factories. Amateurs
just starting ia business produce few,
but there is no market for them.
Jokes about irate fathers setting the
bulldog on unwelcome callers upon their
daughters are occasionally produced, but
the demand for them is quite small
Soda water jokes Of the drug store
wink brand are reappearing IN the mar
ket. There are no fresh ones, however,
the specimens being those left over from
last season. Strictly fresh soda water
quips would meet with a ready sale, but
the supply of this grade is short.
Mule and William goat witticisms are
dear at five cents per 100.
Jokes on lecturers and tragedians, and
the reception they meet with at the
bands of discriminative audiences, are
responsive, if fresh laid, say $3.50 to 3
per pair.
Church fair oyster jokes R out of sea-
son.
Plumber and coal dealer humor is ont
Of the market, and the ice man fun has
taken its place. The high price Of ice
threatens to run values Of this class Of
humor up to an eyorbitant point. There
is not much on the market as yet, hold
ers seemingly waiting for higher prices.
Humor about the apothecary who mis-
takes morphine for quinine is drug on
the market.
Jokes about millinery bills are always
seasonable, though there is generally
boom from just before Easter until the
summer is fairly here. Like the fair
consumers of the millinery, this brand Of
humor is very dear.
Sealskin jokes are now put away in
camphor for the summer.
Servant girl jokes, like servant girls,
come high, but we must have them We
quote A No. at 50 per dozen.
Fun about spring poetry is somewhat
frayed at the edges. The subject is too
serious for proper humorous treatment.
Good efforts command from 81 to $1.37i
each, according to quality.
Jokes about Philadelphia are slow.
Spring chicken jokes are tough.
The new extradition treaty with Eng
land has spoiled the market for cashier
gone-to-Canada fun. We understand
that large dealers were caught with quite
a supply on hand, and which were thus
rendered v&lueless.
Baby Mckee jokes 80 off very slowly
now at cents per 100.
The latest style Of jokes includes the
Chicago Worlds fair, the photograph,
and death by electrocution as d means Of
prolonging life.
Chestnuts are unstable. We quote
cents per car load - 4 nominal figure
Pittsburg Chronicle.