Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-09-12
OUR SHORT STORIES.
NE HAD HEARD ENOUGH.

"W'uts dat ar thing you's talkin' inter, Mr.
Blanton2"
"That's telephone"
"Er tell you w'atT'
"a thing to talk into. You just ask 1t any
thing you want to know and It tells IT,"
SIS dat so! done hyard bout dat cornversa
tion hangin' up on de wall. but ain knowet
1t could tell all dem thingsF'
"Oh. yes; I am busy now, but II you will
come back in an hour, I'll getIt to tell you whs
burned the warehouse"
II dinno ez 1 got time fer dat"
"Well, you'd better take time, or I'll think
you did It."
As soon as Sam left, Blanton called up tht
other end, described the negro and gave the
operator the tip.
Sam came back in an hour. the Hampder
Sidney operator was called up. and Sam pu
the bell to his ear. This was what he heard:
THE person that burned the Planters ware
house last night is ginger-cake colored negro
| five feet ten inches high, little finger gone from
left hand"-Sam's eyes began to bulge-"one
front tooth gone, wears mustache and goatee
has three children, has been In Jail for stealing
sheep from Major Venable. and his name i:
Sam"
With q wild yell and eyes starting out of his
head. Sam bolted from the room, jumped on a
passing freight train and never came back tc
claim the reward offered for him. - =
THIS Rapid AGE.
| UDoEs 90 love 90 mammy?'' murmured the
fond mother to her flaxen.haired 2-year.
old.
The baby squirmed
zoos mammy's sitst-bitsy-tootsy.cootsy isn't
| oo?"
The baby squirmed again.
sand 90 loves 90 nanny jusser lot, mammy's
little baby"
The baby threw up its hands. "Oh, come
of" it yelled, don't you see I'm right in the
midst of the 'Kreutzer Sonata Now don't
disturb me again."
AN OCEAN DIARY.
7 LIVERPOOL, August 7. = Princes landing
stage crowded. Met heaps Of friends.
Feel refreshed and hopeful. Went on board
at u:30A. M. Asked an officer what time we
should start. "'Ow the larry do Hi know?"
Red-headed officer with big whiskers. In bad
humor. Don't expect to be seasick this time.
Took six compound cathartic pills three days
ago. Have mixture of bromide potash aud
chloral hydrate. Can't fool me. Understand
all about mai de mer. Nervous affection Of
cerebellum. Quiet cerebral action and keep
stomach full. Use will power. Got lots Of it
on hand. Have good time, you bet. Just start
ing-2P P. M. Red-headed officer got mad at
men and had slight apoplexy. Doctor bled
him in the neck. Went to bed ut 10 A. M. in St.
Georges Channel Ton board ship. of course.)
August S.-Slight headache. Too much
champagne last night. Ship steamed into
Queenstown at 10 A. N. Legs feel weak. Took
dose bromide and chloral. Fried bacon for
breakfast. Sailed again at noon. Red-headed
officer all o. K. Got up dancing party for deck
in evening. Tall girl. black hair, seems struck on
me. Never tiirt. Won't do. Married. Hop didn't
materialize, but fog did. Captain on bridge.
Passengers scared. Old lady wanted to be put
ashore. Couldn't oblige. Two hundred miles
out at sea- Ship begins to labor. Knees weak,
head light. More bromide. Good night. 1880,
can't sleep. Fog whistle blowing. Engine
stops every minute. All still. Seems like
maritime catacombs. Everybody SO silent.
ASK cock, who passes with hot coffee for
captain. if there is any danger. Says good
many ships lost just here. Take a little brandy.
Feel better. Sleep at last, and dream of mer-
maids without eyes, choking me to death at
bottom of ocean. Wake up with sheet twisted
round neck.
August 9-Clear sky. Full speed. On deck 8
A. M. Walk forward to inspect steerage.
Smell coffee and chloride of lime. Walk to
extreme bow of ship. Get on turtle back.
Ship dips deep. Terrible pressure on top of
head. and then extreme light feeling. Bromide
in stateroom. Sea gets back up. Feel little
bilious. Guess lie down. Sea looks yellow.
Must be color blind. Thought 1t was blue.
August l0-Little better. Steward brought
breakfast. Gave him a V and the breakfast
too. Lie in bed writing this. Can't retain
bromide. Not its fault. Panacea if can keep
it down. Sunday morning service Just going
on. Singing Land of rest for thee sigh.' You
bet I do. Feel homesick. Chloral cannot cure
it. Never want to eat again.
August l1-Doctor promises to embalm my
body and deliver it to wife.
August l2-Have thrown up everything.
Heart is in throat. Expect to choke before
night
August 13-Steward too busy to attend to
me- Got him to unlock grip and get out clean
shirt. Paid him S. to lay me out when am
gone. Bid him final farewell. Oh, my poor
witel
August l4Still alive. but very weak. Took
little cruel. Fog again. Heard cook say we
were on the banks. If ever I get on bank
again that settles it. No more sea for me. Lay
in bed all day nibbling at a red herring. Get
up and put shirt in grip again.
August 15-Better this morning. Took nip
of whisky and went on deck. Beautiful morn
ing. How majestic the oceanI With what
magnificent sweep the gallant ship dashes
through the blllows! Music and mirth forward
aft and amidstips. How jolly to be sailor
boy and proudly plow the main. Feel awful
hungry. Venture to speak to red headed officer
again. Give him cigar. Asks me into his
room He takes a swig of whisky with me-
Bully fellow, after all. Swears splendidly
every other word. Says sailors don't know any
other language Doesn't mean anything any
how. Respects religion and churches. Wife
is church member. Just the tightest little
lass you ever saw. "Hyes like sloes and ed
like one of Hangelo's hangels."
August 15-Expect to see land in the morn
ing. Can't understand why people make such
a fuss about seasickness. Thought of writing
a story while at sea. but too much fun for that.
Sea is not good place for literary work. Good
place to study human nature. Individual weak. |
nesses develop. Just heard that barometer was |
sinking. What an experience bang-up storm |
would be.
August 16-Shall never forget last night. |
Terrific hurricane sent off American coast by |
a New York newspaper. Said to be bound for |
England. Will shake up the British. Lost two |
ifeboats during night and did not stop to pick
them up. Red-headed officer peeped into my |
room and says: "My hyes this is q tuff 'un. |
mister" Lightning played around ship all |
night. Wondered why lightning couldn't go to
work and not spend ell its time playing. Stood
On head and feet alternately every minute for
six hours. Not quite sure of location of brains
yet. Might be amidship according to activity
IN that latitude. Clear sky this morning All
D. K. What's that2 Land ahead. Welcome.
welcome. Folks rushing on deck. Here goes.
TIED A SMOOTH KNOT,
AN Eastern minister was being told by a