Mower County transcript., 1890-01-29
BURDETTE ON THE ROAD;
Some of the Humorous Expert
ences of the Lecturer.
Six Horses Harnessed Abreast Could Not
Draw Him from the Platform-De-
lights of the Sleeping-Car-
Riding ON = Freight.

Six Horses Harnessed Abreast Could Not
Draw Him from the Platform De-
lights of the sleeping-Car-
Riding ON Freight.
Probably there is no occupation in the
world that gives a man such an easy life
and large profits as lecturing. don't
suppose that six horses, harnessed
abreast, could draw me from the plat
form. 1t is just like lolling around in a
June meadow, picking up gold dollars
instead of buttercups.. Now, last Tues
day night lectured in Granville, N. Y;
morning got up at 4:45 o'clock, got into
a buggy, piled valise weighing four
hundred pounds-no, sir, 1 won't take of
one ounce-on my feet, and drove eleven
miles through a pelting, driving rain
storm, over muddy roads to station ON
the D. & II. G., that has train five
times a year. At Granville they have
one every spring. Well. I got train,
and changed cars once or twice and got
more trains, and finally got to Albany
at 1885. May be 1 didn't want my
breakfast. Sat down to a table and
drove a restaurant man to despair,
bankruptcy and suicide. Got on the
cars again, and at $50 that evening,
without stop or stay for bite or sup, got
off at my station. Raining like house
afire and two miles to drive. Fun?
don't care so much for the actual lectur-
ing, but the getting from one place to
another do enjoy.
And then, the pleasure of travel. Do
you know, some weeks, have sat still
in the cars, one day after another, from
3 a. m. to 4, 5, 6 or p. M, without NOV
ing, save at meal time? How do you
suppose an active man, fond of walking,
enjoys that sort of thing? It's enough
to drive a craven image mad with
nervousness.
s'But can't I read?" asks Feeblemind.
Say, when you are reading, and one of
your lovely, loving and beloved children
comes up and takes hold of the back of
the chair and begins to shake it-don't
you make her quit it right away? And
if she doesn't stop, don't you box her
oars with your precious book?
What! Don't lie to me; I've seen you
10 it.
Well, that's the way the jig-jog, rat
tle-rattle, shake and shiver of the car
affect me. It just about drives me wild.
''But can while away the time in
pleasant conversation with"
Oh, can I? Do you remember reading
about the remains of a well-dressed man
found in the Genesee river, who was
supposed to have fallen from an Erie
train while passing Portage Falls?
Well, the last time that man was seen
alive, he had lifted my 400 ton-''said
400 pounds little while ago?"-I said
tons, both times; you can look back and
,ee-he had lifted my 5oo-ton valise
from my seat, and crowded himself in
On me for what he called "a little chat. I"
enjoy conversation, but not in a boiler
factory. If you were having a quiet
conversation in you parlor would you
like the children to come in and make
as much noise as a railway train?
trow not. Well, don't like it either.
The man who wastes time trying to
lraw me into a conversation on a roar
ing, crashing, buzzing railroad train will
get much better results, and quite as
pleasant ones to himself, if he will hold
lis naked eye out of the window and
look for cinders.
but why don't I travel at night and
lake the sleeper?" Because, imbecile,
night is my time for work and I lecture
only in towns where sleepers either go
through in the afternoon or the express
trains don't stop. You might as we'll
ask the patriots to have their torchlight
PROFESSIONS in the morning. And as for
sleeping in sleeper, could you sleep in
your bed at home if it was about as wide
IS coffin and seven feet from the
door and twenty-five inches from the
ceiling, with pillows twenty-eight
inches square and blanket of two.
inch felt and somebody shook and
swung the bed all night, and st inter.
vals freight train, blowing a whistle
and ringing bell, ran through the hall
and jumped down stairs, and once OF
twice in the night they pulled youl
house out of the lot and jammed it .lI
against another house, and just as yor
got calmed down truck inspector should
come under your window and yell *'TrJ
your air!" and then some men should
crawl under the house and hammer anG
pound and wrench at the joists for twen
ty minutes, and then the engineer shoulG
3'try his air. again and the men under
the house should yell "Whoop!" and th.
man under your window should yell
''Whoop! Whoopee! Shut her of, Bill!'
And then your house should groan ant
grunt and bump, and then go roaming
and whirling off down street thirty-dv'
or forty miles an hour? Could you sleep
Well, that's sleeping-car slumber, to me
And you don't like tooccupy room wit
any one else, do you? don't, too. Well
now, suppose you had Long, narro,
room, with twenty-four beds and thirt
or thirty-five people sleeping in then
thirty or thirty-fve pairs OF boots N
shoes-all sorts OF boots and shoes, too
standing around the room; mot less tina
twenty snorers in the orchestra? Wei
that's sleeping car 4slumber It beats g
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