Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1886-1890, 1890-01-17
MY FIRST LOVE AND LAST.

MY FIRST LOVE AND LAST
The evil germ had been developing in M
morbidly excited mind for months Mine i.
hayward but not an impulsive tempera
ment. There are persons, situated as l was
who would have sought death at once, either
by the quick process of blowing out theil
brains or by the more refined cuthanasia Of
an overdose of chlera There are person:
who do so every day. But although had
fully determined to end nay life by my OWL
act, was haunted by curious desire to eff
feet what then regarded asa desideratumyir
some notable way. was possessed by hank
ering to make a brilliant finish" You art
right. had been frequenting race meetings
and backing my fancy pretty freely, with
the usual result that had lost money; but ID
was not that which impelled me to felo de 50
There is another passion which is even strong
er than that of gambling-the master passion
Of love. And was the victim of an unre-
Quilted attachment. l took to the turf simply
to dispel the abiding grief which bad fallen
like cloud upon my career. In the words
Of the Irish poet, ''Sorrows had, indeed, my
young days shaded"
Few who have watched the bright, active
lad with ruddy cheeks who welded the bat
or hunted the leather in tho Dulwich playing
fields seven years before would recognize him
in the spare, pale, woe begone man of lack
luster eye end flaccid muscle who stood in
the queue attending the combaluzier lift at
the west corner of the Eiffel tower on a sunny
morning last August At last had solved
the problem which had been vexing me. ]
had hit upon the plan of throwing myself of
the top platform of the loftiest structure in
the nation. That would be something unique
my body would be so dsigured by the fall
that identification would be impossible; death
would be instantaneous-almostp painless.
calculated that the breath would have left
me before touched the soil.
This cold, almost mathematical, weighing
of the circumstances of my proposed dissolu-
ton may strike the reader as unnatural. |
assure him it is not So There is method in
madness. and the suicide is under the spall of
very terrible form of mania. The suicide
should not be abhorred as criminal, but
compassionated as martyr to mental dis
ease. Thank goodness the days are passed
when an Implying world buried him at a
cross roads at night, and drove stake
through his dishonored corpse. At least /
shall be spared that indignity. had thought
over these things as l purchased my ticket,
waited my turn, stepped into the lift, and
glided up the inclined plane to the first plat
form.
How spacious and beautiful the view from
this vantage point! What diversified chart
of citv and pf,.v hon>ofh hu n
meandering Seine, and ringed by such a
yardi This earth, after all, is fair to gaze
upon, and would be tolerable to exist in, if
one were only happy. How fresh the airl
There is almost an exhilaration in breathing
it. But must not falter. l should be above
these weaknesses. The die is cast. 1 have
burned my boats. cannot go back from my
resolution. My tongue is hot, my palate
parched. am thirsty. There are four res
taurants here; Russian-I don't like Rus
slams; a Flemish-ughl they are coarse
Brebauts-too dear, and even would be sui
cjdes must be economic; Spiers and Ponds
that is more like home; and as this is to be
my last drink on this sublunar sphere, let it
be an English one drawn by English hands.
How the glass Of cool, bitter ale sparkles as
held to the light; how tempting when the
clear amber of the liquid reveals itself trans
parent; and how attractive the mantiing
crown of beady foami
l must buy ticket for the ascension to the
second platform, for we mount by stages.
Singular, that when such observations should
momentarily have less hold upon my interest,
remark that this lift is upon the hydraulic
principle. This second platform Is nigh 400
feet above the level of the Champ de Mars;
the view is wider but less animated, the
streets merge, the river is a slender, sinuous
tape, the hills fatten out the palace of Yer
sailles peeps from behind a curtain of YER
dure. There is the inevitable luncheon bar
here-how gross mortals will gorgel-not far
from it the Office of the aerial Figaro. A sun
burnt, broad shouldered young fellow with
curly black hair is writing his name on the
register of those who have assembled thus far,
kept by the newspaper people. As he finishes
with flourish and a laugh, an elegantly pro-
portioned girl beside him-her dress of blue
serge, trimmed with white cashmere and sur
mounted by sailor hat proclaims her no
Frenchwoman-murmur "How rdica,sou.!n
and releases a silvery rill of laughter. There
is a popularity in the information that wakes
half forgotten souvenirs.
well, old gal" he says, ''as you won't
come any higher, just hang about here while
go aloft."
As leant over the register noticed among
the list Of grandees and generals with the no
hillary particle the signature Rear Admiral
Flapdingle" One of those vulgar Americans,
l suppose. Still, as l, too, had to climb to the
next platform for private reasons, and there
was but one lift-verticM nowI peEforce
would have to put up with his society. We
are elevated in big box fitting into a square
cage, and when we are about half way, our
jerky motion is arrested, and we change into
another box which conveys us to our Jour
ney's summit. Here l am quite 900 feet from
the ground l knit my brow, chnch my
teeth and brace my limbs. Courage for the
ultimate leap which is to free me from the
trammels Of selfish, deceitful generation,
the sordid ills Of base humanity.
Horror Wicked, malicious Efell l can
not realize the ambition that fires my soul
The upper portion of the incios1re of the
platform is hedgsd with plates Of thick glass
There is a corlscrew staircase TO the roof
which leads TO the belveaere above. Would
it be possible? The hope is abandoned before
1t is well entertained. Banked again Il Is
private. That shall doi Descend and lie
down before train of the DecanFills rail-
way, or drown myself in a basin OF the lurli-
nous fountainsl Suddenly / am violently
Slapped on the back. and s. breezy voice adj
dresses me. Il is Rear Admiral Flapdingle.
He is asgresaSely healthy and insulnngly
familiar.
'Hailol stick in the mud, is Il yourself is in
:. 1<<s-1 M rns Lex
white and thin, regular church yard de-
serter"
''You have the advantage Of me, sir