The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1890-08-28

HUMOROUS.

-..Why are you SO timid, John?
Speak out" Il am afraid the popping
will awake your papa. "-IIarper's Ba-
zar.
And you allow your girls father
to kick you?" Il did. But how can q
fellow help what's done behind his
back?'-Philadelphia Times.
-"Spriggs is a mere fop! Mark my
words, he will never make noise in
the world" Il think you're wrong.
I've often remarked his bang."-Har-
per's Bazar.
-Tom-''Whati is more annoying than
to step on the sharp end of a tack in
the dark" Jack-.To step on two of
them, whether in the dark or not
Yankee Blade.
--Schaumberger (sitting, tries to
mash" pretty shop-girl standing up in
''L'D-"Py gracious. il mein poy Moses
vas here l would make him gicf you his
sead FREDDY quick"
--"Do you know why that fellow at
the opposite table keeps his paper all
the time 50 before his face?" why, Of
course. The man at this table is his
tailor. "-Fliegende Blatter.
-Dissaway-''Your d-dog won't bite
me, will hep" Farmer Spinwheel-
Gosh! ! hope not 1t spiles m fer
woodchucks when they git dude blood
in their veins. Once Week.
-Judge-'And SO he called you .
liar?" Prisoner-.'Ile did, sor." Judge
And did you attempt to defend your
self?" Prisoner-"Did l? You ought
to see Duffy. Harvard Lampoon.
-Clara-''How do you like my friend?"
Fanny-''He is horrid creature. Is he
married?' mo, he is not married"
.'How happy is the lot Of the woman
who did not get him for husband. -
Texas Siftings.
This life of mine is wearisome, oh,
SO wearisome." said the trainman. ut
reminds me Of that beautiful line of the
poet. Brake, brake, brake The only
trouble is that the line is not quite long
enough TO work in all the brakes. IN.
Y. Sun.
A Scotch physician has discovered
that playing on the bagpipe wears away
the players front teeth in four years.
Listening to q boarding-house piano
wears out a mans patience much
| quicker than the meals wear out his
teeth.
Nov pray for Susie Bates" said
| Mrs. Simcral to six-year-old Flossie.
who was saying her prayers Susie is
quite sick" why. mamma" said
Flossie. Il can't pray for her. She
doesn't belong to our crowd. Epoch.
Too late, alas too late.
| A dealer charged its weight in gold
/ For bits of ice SO small aud cold,
/ But after Ii. died he cried in pain:
"What wouldn't give for that ice again."
Philadelphia Times
-Violet-"Why didn't your brother
come. too?' Oscar-''lIa wasn't feeling
very we'll this evening. We had float
| ing island for dinner" Violet-'.Did
he eat too much?" Oscar-sNo; he went
out of the room for minute ard l ate
his share. lie is all broken up over it. /"
-Leslie's illustrated Newspaper.
Mrs. Mulcahy -''Bridget O'Dona.
hue, it's me sympathy ye have in your
sorrow" bridget the ovid man
has gone; but troubles never come
alone, Oi don't know" Mrs. Mulcahy-
..Bedad, and wh~t's happened now?'
Bridget-"Faith. and me poor billy goat
swallowed bit of ice, and the icemar
shot him dead to recover his property
-Kearney Enterprise.
Census Enumerator Ito head Of
house)-''Are you married or unmar'
ried, sir?" Head of the house-"Mar.
ried." Enumerator Ia little later)- :
.Have you wife?' llcad--(astonish
d)-"Yes." Enumerator - ''Er--male
or female?" Head (now thoroughly
aroused) THAT, sir. is one of the ques
tions am not going TO answer. Lowell
CttixsR