Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1890-09-11
SIZE SAW TOO MUCH.

She (after marriage)-You told me
that l was your first love, but | have
found whole trunkful of letters from
all sorts of girls, just bursting with ten
derness.
He'll said you were the first l ever
loved. 1 didn't say you were the only
one who ever loved me. See9-[ New
Y ork Weekly.
UNDECEIvED AT LAST.
Barber-Your head is full of dandruff,
sir.
Customer-rm glad you told me. 1
was under the impression that it was
brains. Life.
A FAMILIAR CUSTOMER.
New Boy (at news stand)-That man
has been standing there an hour reading
all the latest weeklies and magazines.
News Man-Have patience. He'll buy
a penny paper when he gets through
Good News.
THE MERCENARy GIRL.
Miss Gotham-What kind of scent do
you prefer2
Miss Bullion-Cent per cent.-[New
York Herald.
DIDN'T WANT ANY CONSCIENCE IN HIS.
"Can you recommend me to an artist
who can make picture of my hotelW
{" Yes. Try Smithkins. He's a
straightforward, conscientious fellow"
"Then he won't do The hotel is on
a side street. Iwant picture of it fac
ing the square, with four horse omnibuses
and barouches passing up and down. y
| New York Sun.
IMPRACTICABLE ADVICE.
Husband-Dr. Knowall says people
should change their clothing with the
weather.
Wife-EIuh And 1 haven't but ten
dresses to my name, and only one waiting
maid.
PARTICULARS NEEDED.
fastener lin far Western store)-Got
any neckties2
Proprietor (mystifed) )-Um -er-what
sort-silk, calico or hemp3 i Good
News.
"They have one law for the poor and
one for the rich"
ooh, comel That's all can't"
"Al cant, is it2 Show me the time
when Cornelius Vanderbilt or Mr.. Astor
has been sent up for vagrancy."
THE TRUE PHILOSOPHY.
Olives of rich men all remind us
We can make our own sublime"
And by liberal advertising
To the highest summit climb.
= Drug, Oil and Paint Reporter.
SLEEP IN THE WOOD.
They say that pines conduce to somno-
lence,
And leave the weary man both span
and spick.
To put tramp to sleep, who gives of
fence,
There's nothing like a solid chestnut
stick. -[Epoch.
THE TABLES TURNED.
Distinguished Guest (at the summer
resort hotcD-Garcon, you may hand me
the menu. BY the way, your face is
strangely familiar.
Garcon-Possibly, sir. Proudly.)
was guest of this hotel last year.
Distinguished Guest Indeed. (To
himsel) l was waiter.-[ Life.
VOICES OF THE NIGHT.
When night has let her curtains down,
with low and plaintive hum
Mosquitoes thirsting for our blood around
our pillows come.
We watch, we wait with bated breath
while strikes the midnight chime,
And hit our checks singing slap and
miss 'em every time.
- Boston Courier.
HE LOVED PRECISION IN SPEECH.
A citizen who was stopped by tramp
on Michigan avenue the other day re-
piled to his request by saying:
"No, sir-no, sir-not penny! You
are u fraud2"
''In what respect"
"Why, haven't you asked me for
money!"
Certainly, but how docs that make
me n fraud"
"Well, then, an impostor."
"But I'm no impostor; simply asked
YOU for a dime. l didn't claim to bC
either the Governor of New York or &
fire-sufferer; l made no statement from
which you can argue that | am either &;
fraud or an impostor."
"Well, have nothing for YOU"
"Ahl But that's different. Now yor
make plain statement of facts, and
have nothing further to say. can stan6
it to be poor, but ambiguity of languag,
is something that | never have and nevel
will accept. Good morning, sir !"-[ De
troit Free Press.
IN ANOTHER LIGHT.
Fond Young Mother-Whata pity that
babies can't talk
Husband-I think it's a great bless.
ing
"Why, Harry, how can you talk so?"
"Well, if babies could talk l think
they'd do lot of swearing when half q
dozen women got at them and teased
them for hours at time - Lawrence
American.