The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-08-01
THE FESTIVE BURGLAR.
How I Lay Awake for Two Months {,
Head Him Off,

Head Him Of.
What would you do if you heard q bur
giar In the house,
To me that question has occurred mill
ion times, more or less. The first time it
flashed athwart my brain bought q bull
dog revolver and Spanish dirk. On sec
ond thought added baseball bat to the
equipment, aud then for sig nights lay
awake planning how would softly draw
on some Indispensable garments, seine the
revolver in one hand, the club in the other
and capture or otherwise dispose Of the
burglar. The dirk I would carry in my
teeth saw no other way.
Strange to say, this armament and nv
well laid plans did not bring the peace Of
mind l had expected. The more prowled
around the more agitated became Twice
l shot at the cat and once gave the hall
hat rack wicked stab, taking it for q bur
glar.
Then my wife suggested in the interests
of my health that put up burglar alarm
and not get up until had TO. The blamed
thing went off every time anybody came in
or went out, day or night, and I got so
tired of the eternal clatter that ! cut the
wires and substituted some unpatented de-
vices of my own.
hung hatiron on the KEY Of the front
door SO that it would fall into q dishpan
placed underneath; two pokers stood
against the back door, arranged so as to
fall at the slightest touch, and ar various
out of the way places placed baskets
filed with cheap crockery, tinware and
other articles, SO that the burglar would
step into or against them-at least fer
vently hoped he woodland give me warn
ing of his advent.
But these schemes didn't work much
better than the burglar alarm Everybody
l knew got in the habit of calling on me
after had retired, and Of course I would
forget the fiatiron and send it Gathering
into the dishpan, necessitating awkward
explanations, and once it clattered down
on my toes. The cat made regular prac-
tice of knocking down the burglar warn
ing pokers, and if my wife stepped into the
alarm baskets once she did twenty times.
The result was that fell back on my re-
volver, club and dirk. also bought me Q
watchman's rattle. Two nights later
heard Q noise and looking out Of the win
dow saw man trying my front door.
fired at him, and the answering howl in
formed me that had uiAsed my peighbor
Brindle, who had bean sitting upwith q sick
manor, at least, he said he had. Three
nights later sprang the rattle on my yife's
aunt, who came from PouGhkecpsie on a
late train, and she was SO angry that she
wouldn't stay more than three weeks and
my wife thinks we are cut out Of her will.
Things went on in this fashion for month
or two, until the neighbors began to circu-
late petition asking me to move out of the
ward.
So told my wife that when heard
burglar in the house the plan of campaign
would be as follows: / would first raise the
window sash, making as much noise as
possible in doing SO, and spring the rattle
with firm and determined hand. Iwould
then give the burglar two minutes to leave
the house. If he still remained among the
silverware l would advance into the upper
hail. beat the stair railing fercely with
baseball bat and fire three or four shots
downstairs. / was firmly convinced that
no burglar could withstand such deter
mined attack, and after it had been clearly
outlined beyond the possibility of a mis-
take slept peacefully for the first time in
three months.
The very next morning, when l went
downstairs to light the fire, l encountered
a bare sideboard, and further search re-
vealed the fact that my domicile had been
ransacked from cellar to garnet. 1t was a
clean scoop.
Well, there was one consolation. Now l
know what I would do if burglar broke
into my house.
I'd sleep.-New York World.