Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-02-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

-
tard-plaster. The secret of its smart
ness lies in close application. "-Terre
Haute Express.
You can no more Judge a man by his
daily walk and conversation than you
can an election-day saloon by its front
door.-Detroit Free Press.
It's fortunate that a man learns the
''rule of three" when child, for later
in life he never gets beyond the rule of
one.-Kearr1ey Enterprise.
DO you suppose Vassar girls sue
coed in after life, Mr.. Smarty?" why,
of course. l heard of one getting mar
ried the other day. "-Epoch.
Professional Beat (to hotel proprie-
tor)-'Is there any danger of a fire
here?" Proprietor mot if you settle
for your board in advance. "-Boston
Herald.
Really this is awkward. What did
| come here for? All, yes, remember.
My dear young lady, l adore you. VIII
you grant me your hand. ''-Fhege1ade
BLatter.
81 saw goblet to-day made of
bone" 'Pshawi 1 saw a tumbler
made of flesh and blood last night"
"Where?" '.At the circus. ''-Harper's
Bazaar.
Our office-boy asserts that English
sparrows are like rubber bands, be-
cause they are gutter-perchers and have
| received great deal of a-tension.-
Hotel Gazette.
Brown-''How time fies!' jenkins
Il am not aware of its speedy pass
age" B.-''Then you have not note
to pay" J.-"No; I hold yours. y
Boston Budget.
Husband (to wife at the theater)-
''Have you brought your opera-glass?"
Wife-"Yes, but can'tuse it, why
notP" Il forgot to bring my diamond
bracelet. "-Teras SJtings.
Fond Mother-''Y You should remem-
Der, my child that the little birds in
their nest agree" Johnny-'Bute every
once in while one of 'em falls out.
Pm that one. Maerasey's Weekly.
'"The Rev. Mr.. Highys-'I did not
see you among the congregation yes
terday, Mrs. Au Fait." Mrs. Au Fait-
mo, l was i'll; but IL sent my card
can.
Stranger Ito bootblack) Can you
tell me, my little fellow, the best way
to get to the station?n Bootblack-
de best way is to take hack; but if
you're broke you'd better waikiki
7. San.
A man who beats the gong at rail-
way eating-station makes a big noise
in the world, but he does not get there.
Some other fellow eats the dinner. He
simply makes the din.-NeaU Orleans
Picayu'ae.
Going to vote?" asked the furnace.
Il am registered all over the house."
And the gas meter replied: ''Wait un-
til the old man sees how much | have
registered if you want to hear music.''
-Bostoaa Bulletin.
Mother Now you have broken my
cup. You deserve whipping; come
here" Fritz-''No; l won't come"
Mother-''C Come, Fritz, till l whip you,
and then you shall have slice of cake
-FRege7ade Blatter.
First Juror-'I tell you this bribery
of jurors is crying shame, it's dis
grace" Second Juror-''You're dead
right. The darn fool who did the brib-
ing never offered me cent He ought
to be punished. n-Epoch.
Wife Cat church THAT man in the
second pew is acting very strangely.
Do you think he is crazy?n Husband
i wouldn't be at all surprised, my
dear; | see his collar button has gone
down his back. IN. 7. San.
When woman ciinches her teeth,
shuts up her fists, and remarks in
concentrated voice, Il wish | was that
mans wife for about five minutes" it
is mighty lucky for ''that man" that
she isn't.-Terre Haute Express.
1t is a fact worth bordering that
though the night falls around us it
never breaks. whereas the day breaks
but never falls. We offer this deli
cate fancy to some struggling aspirant
for poetical honors.-Hwper's Bazaar.
Barber-'I think this is the first
time | ever shaved you, sir" Victim
You're mistaken there" Barber
Strange [ fail to remember, sir.
Victim-''Y on wouldn't be so likely
to remember it as I.''-Bosto1o Herald.
Visitor-'1 hope, my friend, that you
now see the great error you have
made Murderer Yes, l see it
clearer every day. If I'd only r killed
de hired girl, too, there wouldn't have
been no one left to peach on me-
Life.
First Female Burglar-"G your gun.
We are going to crack old man Col
dollars house tonight" Second Fe-
male Burglar-'I wouldn't go into
that house after dark for the world. 1t
is chuck full of mice. "-I'erre Haute
Express.
Jones-''I believe in equal rights for
that fairest of Gods creation-woman.
of man, should have all privileges ac-
corded to u.s." Smith Speaking to
his friend Banks)-'I wonder if that
man is married. "-Kearney Enterprise.
Short-sighted gentleman chooses a
pair of spectacles. "These glasses"
he says, ''are not strong enough for
me-" But, sir, they are No. 2"
''What have you next to No. 2" "No.
l." 'And after that?" after No. 1,
sir, you will want dog!"-Ln VoItatre.
Deacon Jones (solemnly) = MY
young friend, do you attend place of
Worship" Young man--''Yes. sir,
regularly, every Sunday night" Dea-
con Jones Pray tell me where you
90 to worship?n Young Man-'1'm
on my way to see her now."-N Z.
Truth.
Artist-sI have brought YOU one of