Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-07-07

NOBODY can speak q WOfu against Gne
type writer; all she does is write.
''Is.your cook French?' mo; American.
Sort of Pan-American."
''You seem to think I'm an idiot"
''What a mind-reader you are!"
A smash up on the railroad describes a
perfect geometrical fgure-the wreck
tangle.
1t improves your memory to lend
friend So, but it destroys the memory of
your friend.
''Mike, did you ever catch frogs?" Yes,
sor." "What did you bait WITH" 'Bait
'em with stick, sorr.''
Paradoxical as it may seem, 1t is gen.
orally true that women who don't fancy
work do fancy work.
Why is the newspaper funny man like
a draught horse? Because his jokes usu-
ally show traces of exertion.
She-Sir, what do you mean? Culprit-
(smacking his lips and unabashed) I
mean to do it again if 1 get the chance.
Teacher-Tommy, do you know what a
Nemesis is? Tommy-Yessum. Teacher
We'll, what is it? Tommy-A Jonah.
''They say that Sly, the refugee,is prov
ing a puzzle to everybody" ''He is in
deed. He gave himself up yesterday"
Innocent Countryman Ito lady entering
street car)-Have a seat? Lady No,
thanks Countryman-Blessy you, didn't
expect any.
THE enemy's flag" said the victorious
general, as the opposing forces fed with
much celebrity, ''seems to be made up of
fast colors."
''Well, I'm engaged to marry Miss Ma
BILE" 'Good! How did you break the
ice?" There wasn't any ice. 1t was
mild winter"
We've named our daughter Beretta. -
"CuriOns name that; it is the name of
hat or cap" II know it. We call her
Hattie for short
Dressed goodness boss!" said Rastus
to the dentist ''when you said that toof
want gwine ter hurt, you must have meant
it want gwine ter hurt you.''
There are some people VINO are so pleas
ant when they are absent that one can al
most forgive them for being so unbeara-
BILE when they are present.
Little Benny-Grandpa, is there any
bigger fly than a horse-fy? Grandpa
(thonghtfully)-Id din kno', Benny; there
may be two-hoss fly someeres.
Bishop Walker has hit upon a striking
name for his cathedral car which is in
process of construction. He calls it the
Roaming Catholic Cathedral.
show is your wife now, Smithers?"
GAN right now; able to go out" 81 con-
graduate you" ''HumI Well, dunno;
she goes to the dressmaker's every time
A famous artist once painted an angel
with six toes. "Who ever saw an angel
with six toes?" people inquired. "Who
ever saw one with less?'' was the counter
question.
Edith-How does a marriage certificate
begin, Mrs. Plusher? Mrs. Plusher-I
don't remember exactly; but think the
first words are know all men by their
presents
my friens,' said colored preacher.
ga mans character is like a fence, you
can't strengthen it by whitewash, though
you can cover up the places where it is
worm eaten"
A young physician was showing a
friend recent purchase he had made in
the way of a skeleton. Every interest
ing" commented his friend. lone of
your patients, doctor?"
81 never jump at conclusions" said the
pastor. mo-" said the elderly member
of his congregation, who takes liberties;
81 have noticed that from your sermons.
You reach a conclusion very slowly"
Small boY-Papa, which way does the
Chicago River run? Papa (who is always
glad to slake the youthful thirst for
knowledge)-It doesn't run at all, my
child. 1t is so thick it can hardly walk.
.'Oh, children You are so noisy to-day
Can't you be little stiller and better?"
''Now, grandma, you must be a little con-
siderate and not scOld US. You see, if it
wasn't for US you wouldn't be grandma
at ALL"
Notary must ask your wife a few
questions before she signs this deed. If
you will allow me to take her apart
Bromely-Oh, gladly, sir And I'd rejoice
if you weren't able to put her together
again.
Old gentleman-LOuise, l heard some
one being kissed once or twice in the hall
last night. Was it you? Louise (blush-
ingJ-Once or twice did you say, papa?
Old gentleman-Yes. Loulse-Then it
wasn't 4.
Marriage is indeed lottery" sighed
Tomnoddy, after a tiff with his wife
"And we both drew prizes,'' returned
the lady. "Ah?" said T., somewhat mol
Iaed. "Yes; yOn got capital prize, and
I took the BOBBY"