Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-06-01
KNOX ON THE CENSUS,
He Fills Out His Papers in Advance
Of the EnumeratOr's Call.
LII HIS SECRETS LAID BARE
Of the Same Sex He Was Ten Ysars lrs
and Not Mother or Widow,
UNCLE SAM Is MORTGAGED HIMSELF
WRITTEN ZOE THE prsrArcu.l

The Government of the United States has
advised me that 1t would like a short bio.
graphical sketch of myself. I had no ide.
that our paternal Government would ever
take 80 much interest in me, but 1t has. II
tells me that one of its servants will call on
me, Monday or Tuesday next, in pursuit
| of the information desired. To aid me in de-
scribing myself it furnishes printed list Of
leading questions in which it inquiries after
my health and present financial condition.
and exhibits what might seem to be an i'm
pertinent curiosity to know my sex. and
whether I am japanese or an Indian, o
cripple or an Episcopalian.
| AS shall be out of town next week, and
therefore not able to meet the Governments
inquisitor, have written letter (copy Of
which you will find below and I have Ieft
! it for him:
| Dear United States Government,
1 feel fattered by your evident interest In
my affairs, as shown by the document now
before me (marked exhibit A 20781-l), and
| l esteem it o privilege to answer the ques-
tiGns therein presented. When you publish
your book would like to have my biog-
raphy begin at the top of a cage, and if you
care for my photograph, can send you one
IN which l am represented sitting on some
wooden rocks in front of a canvass-backed
| waterfall, and holding in my hand a roll Of
paper that can either be considered an ap-
| pllcation for pension or schedule of nv
assets and liabilities. Your question No. /,
| regarding my name and initials of middle
| name, is answered by the signature at the
end of this communication.
THE SAME SEX AS IN 80.
Your second question requires ne to state
my sex" If you will Look over your files
of 1880, under the letter "g," you will find
my sex fairly and conscientiously stated.
Ten years have elapsed since then, but am
still of the same old sex.
Your third query requires me to state my
relationship to the head of family" NY
present relationship to head of family Is in
the capacity of husband, and this relation
ship have held for years in the most satis-
factory and pleasant way.
In the matter of your fourth question an
to whether am ''the widow of a soldier.
sailor or MARINE" / beg to state that I am
at present neither; that have never been
and do not expect ever to be placed in such
an equlVocal position in connection with
any deceased soldier, sailor or marine.
Your fifth question, 'If under year Of
age, give age in months. Now, honor
bright, where is the joke in that? Ha! hal
OF course it must be Joke, hal hal hal So
L just give you the laugh and pass on to the
next. Your sixth question is, Mother OF
how many children and number of these
children liVing?" In response to this, re-
fer you to my answer to question No. 2, but
for the lite of me cannot understand why
you ask the question, or what difference it
would make to you If was mother of one
or ten children. I will, however, state az
you seem inclined to press the question,
that up to receipt of the latest returns there
is no evidence to show that am or have
been mother.
IN REGARD TO BIRTH.
You ask where 1 was born. If hearsay
evidence is admissible, you can quote me as
saying that, to the best of my knowledge
and belief, I was born on the first floor
of an unmortgaged slate-roofed house. I
was also born in March. You want to
know whether I am defective in mind,
sight, hearing or speech. The mind, sight
and hearing are all right, although L have
known my hearing to be slightly defective
when an acquaintance suggested some
thing in a low tone about temporary loan.
Now you come to ''acute or chronic dis
cases." and you want so know if am
afflicted in that way, and if so, how long.
have for some time been suffering from
acute mania. 1t takes a form that is danger
Gus TO people who pry into other peoples
business. have known it to be so violent
at times that it resulted in hand full Of
birdshot being projected into the legs o! q
man who was trying to secure information
regarding matters that didn't concern him.
OF course am not making any references to
allusions.
See?
The last few casual remarks have made
also apply to the paragraph in which you
ask whether am ga prisoner, convict, home
less child or pauper."
Your last question 1 find no trouble at al
in answering.
''Have you house?"
have.
SIS it mortgaged?''
UNCLE SANS MoRTGAGED, TOO.
1t is, and don't care who knows it. You
are mortgaged yourself, are you not7 and
I'll bet that lift nv mortgage before you
are released, even if 1 have to burn the old
Queen Anne and pay the mortgage with the
insurance money.
However, don't let Us quarrel. wish no
fuss with the United States Government.
You are going to publish some facts about
me and nv affairs, and want to be solid
with you. tried to destroy you once about
25 years ago, and all 1 got tor it was lame
leg and brevet military title.
Above you will, I think, find all your
important questions answered, but there are
a few other matters on which I am sure you
would like information. 1 am really sur
prised that you didn't inquire about them.
For instance: dictate this, and dictate all
nv other correspondence to my typewriter
through the photograph. I don't like
marmalade. have negro servant who at
tends to the furnace. 1 have never written
a Joke on the strawberry box or the sand in
the grocer's sugar. live in Mount Vernon,
N. Y. 1 believe that it is wrong to
read newspapers on Sunday. There are no
Sunday papers published in Mount Vernon.
1 shall be glad to hear from you again,
and be pleased to give you further lnforma.