Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-09-14
SALLIES FROM OUR ALLEY.

trafhc-there hangs a sign. Hall ohllter'
ated and weather. beaten as the sign un-
doubtedly is, one can still discern upon il
the two portentious words: "To Lett
The boys of our alley, who are old enough
to understand domestic miseries, now wreak
their vengeance on the author of the sign
by pelting if numerically with all kinds of
missiles. Busy pedestrians pass by without
noticing the information conveyed to the
world through the medium of the sign.
Others with more leisure gaze curiously at
the grimy little street which is so boldly
open for occupancy. We of Our alley know
the sign too we'll, and when it was hrst
planted in resplendent, white paint and
dark back ground, we gazed at 1t with
gloomy foreboding.
"To let p Ye who have had occasion to
meet a quarters arrears of rent with an
empty exchequer, and have seen that dread
prophecy of impending dismissal hang out
upon your front windows, can understand
the sensation the sign created in our alley.
The alley hath many tenants and tene-
ments. 1t can, however boast of but one
owner. The spectacle presented by that
august parsonage striding along the alley
and glancing complacently over his decay
ing but profitable domains is awe-insplrlng
indeed. Even our Hibernian nelghbor,
naturally not anu VI OlSpOslblOh,
is overcome by the gorgeous appearance and
wishes his landlord 1.-THE top o. the
mornin'." Our thunder-voiced sea captain,
who cherisheS a true topmast hatred for
turnpike sailors, subdues his tones and
says, "Sir, to you," when the alleys owEer
passes. But the captain, we are afraid,
only says ''sir, to you, as matter OF pol
icy, for be generally adds a request that the
roof be "fresh eaulked," it being quite
''unseaworthy in present weather"
And vet our landlord would not be by
any means an imposing parsonage were he
not endowed with the authority Of his
possessions. He is short OF body, short OF
limb, short of wind and short of temper.
His purse would appear to be the only
lengthy thing about him. In spite of this
last lengthiness, the landlord does very
little spending. He never gives enough to
heal the wounds in his tenements. Chill
dren never ask him for penny. He en-
ploys no agent to collect his rents, prefer
ring rather to do it himself and be sure OF
getting his dues.
"What with outra-jus taxes" he says,
''and Improvements to nv houses"
there the poet grinned incredulously, and
thereby added So week to our rent) show
can afford them rascally colleetors?"
So spoke our landlord on the first day Of
the quarter-"Black Tuesday" the alley
folk call it. The Irish laborer in the base
ment invented that name. How our land
lord or his family ever came into possession
of the alley no one knows. The oldest in
habitant remembers when our landlords
deceased parent owned little house at the
upper end of the causeway but cannot
account for the spread of the sons rights
over all the other houses. The poet thinks
that the rights resembled Topsv, and '.just !
growed," to be what they are now.
Our landlord is above all, methodical. |
He pufs up to the garnet first. How we'll |
the luckless rent-owers know that particu-
lar tread OF his, and those put1ed out oaths |
which mark his ascent of their stairs. He
enters without knocking, (an alley landlord
has the privilege of being ungentlemanly, |
and usually is SOD, and takes the neareFt |
available seal. In old Mrs. Morgan's room |
ne sits on the bedStead, because the old !
washerwoman has no chairs. They have all
gone long since; some to pay the rent and
some to buy beer to drown the sorrows of
rent paying.
Good day, num-" says the landlord to
Mrs. Morgan, who cringes before his lofty
presence, ''good-day. All, l see you have
flowers in the windowp' (they were weeds /
from the lumber-yard opposite). FLOWERS
are nice things to have. It's nice to be |
able to afford flowers. I'm too poor to buy
'em myself. Now to business the |
little rent, you know, mum?"
"Please sir'-it is always the same weak
whine-"please sir, I'm a little short this
month, deed / am. One of the children
bein' sick, and my man beln' out of work,
l thought"
Madam" observes Caesar Augustus
Slumiensis, met man to-day, and he
wanted your room, this very room madam.
He offered me an extra dollar for it, too. |
AIRY apartments he said-'fne room,
right at top o house, well ventilated
(here our landlord glanced sternly at the
riffs in the ceiling)-'oh I'd give anything
for that ere room said the man. But
don't want TO give the room to him as long
as it's cash up, with you, Mrs. NJ"
The threat has its effect. The money for
the children's boots is drawn from dis
tant ereYice and the long purse of our land
lord is Z little longer. Then the next floor
is visited. As the landlord comes down the
neighbors can hear the sea captain roaring
Justify: THE cell run ava WI the excise
man." The captain, who is a North Briton.
always chants Robbie Burns lyric when the
landlord approaches.
''Sir, to you, says the captain, when his
door opens to admit the presence. 81
wanted to tell you that them drafted naval
'6cials halnt sent me ma pension to this ERE
bloomIn' cross roads this quarter"
do you know" suavely remarks the
landlord, Il have been seriously thinking
of pulling down this house. 1t amt profit
able, anyhow. L suppose a months notice
would be sufficient"
Out comes the captains money from the
big black sea chest in the corner But for an
ho,r~ q oftarKrar1 thp coila-1r |
be heard swearing furiously, and protesting
his eternal hatred of "blasted, bloomin'
country which lets land pirates cruise around,
stead OF giVin' 'em the plank or the yard
arm."
bad cess to him, we hear another voice
explain, this time from the basement bad
cess to him!' and We know what it means
Our landlord has two dominant ideas.
One is that, architecturally, Our allev can
not be surpassed (and indeed in one sense it
cannot be). The other is that he is afflicted
with the worst and most ungrateful tenants
with whom it was ever mans misfortune to
deal. Not long ago as the rhymster was
seeking his ideal in the urban originality,
and hectic hued flower pots of Our alley, his
ruminations were disturbed by exuberapt
if profane utterances waited by the attic
breezes from our opposite tenement house.
A few moments later our landlord appeared
in a towering rage, and addressing the poet,
cried:
"What do yer think of the beggar tellin'
me that the attic was like shower bath in
the ekeenoxial seesOn and a cold storage
warehouse in winter. The terra-cotter's
skeleton; I'll close the internal street and
drive yer all out of these comodjus resi-
dences."
With this he rushed down the alley and
even temporarily forgot to collect our rent.