The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-07-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

=
Where hot retorts are plentiful-In
gas-house-B Boston Herald.
Eternal vigilance is the price of an
oyster ut church social. .-7e1as Sift-
i'ags.
Silence is golden; when the gold is
coined. however. money taiks.-ferds
Sittings.
The game cock is always pretty well
heeled when he goes out on \ business
trip.-Jdmest0t0H Netcs.
A woman can find her pocket quick
enough when there is money in it TO
pay for a new hat.-Epoch.
The formation of trusts cannot be
considered healthy business syndica-
. tion.-1erre Hatste Express.
A man drinks to drown his sorrow.
but the sorrow always comes out on
top. Philadelphia Inquirer.
She (shyly)-..I do love champagne"
He--..WhyPs Because the cork
pops Burlington Free Press
Responsibility is contagious. ut,like
other contagious. you cant always
catch it when you want it--PueE.
How distinguished looking she isl
Is she lady of note?" s.Yaw; she
vos musician. .''-Drdke's Magazisse-
Unlike the majority of things in this
queer world fogs are always mist until
they are gone.-Battiniore American-
The cooper's business is not always
lively, though he is generally a hoop
ing things up.-BinghaDltoh Repubti-
cda.
..Misfortunes come in pairs especi-
ally when the pears are green; then
they come in doubles--Pbit lpliid
Press.
Blivens-"What role does your star
actor take the most interest IMP" Man
ager (energetically)-'.fhe pay roll" !"
Time.
Up to date there have been no flies
on this winter, at least no one in this
vicinity has seen the snow fy.-PhitG-
deLphfd Press.
j Miss X-..That Italian Count seems
to lead rather monotonous life. !"
Mrs. Y.-..Yes; notice he never has
any change. Life.
i There is no scorn like that which is
uttered in silence. The shears give the
most effective cut when they shut up.
-BingldBiton Leader.
Miss Walnut don't feel at all
like myself today. Miss Chestnut
ALLOW me to congratulate you. dear" !"
Philadelphia Inquirer.
II everybody believed everything that
he heard about everybody else how
much better every man would think
himself than every one of his neighbors!
Pack
If we could know all the bad things
that our neigIbors say about US we
should probably talk about them even
worse than we do now--Sonierritte
journal.
..They tell me. doctor, that your
consunptive patient thought great
deal of you-that he WAS grateful TO
the last" Yes. He declined with
thanks. .n-Paek.
Mrs. Robbins has no piano?- mo.
She's a little sensitive about anything
of that kind. You know she was Mr.
Robbins typewriter before they were
married. ~. j. Sun.
When a woman fancies to herself the
husband she would like TO have, he is
generally different in important re-
spects from the husband that she has
already.-S S0merritle JourTsut.
Doctor-"Your arm is broken. and
vou will have to carry it in a sling
Old Toper-..W oultint it do just as
well if | carried the sling in my
stomach ?''--B -Binghanton Republican.
The funniest thing in the career OF
the carousing eat is when he sits on the
back fence placidly watching woman
trying to come within several miles OF
him with job lot of brie-a-brac.-
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Mr.. Harbosh-..So you desire posi-
ton as groom. What have you been
employed at recentlvs' Applicant
..Hi ave bin teachin' Hingiish pronun.
ciwation to some dudes, yer ighness.
-hansey's Heekdy.
Miss Pert-sWhat a splendid book
How long has it been in the family?'
Miss Antique = The family BibIei
Why it was purchased at my birth.
Indeed? How well preserved it il
for such an old bookr'-N. i. Sun.
mo use," exclaimed an impecuniou.
debtor to an importunate creditor
''you can't get blood out of turnip.
Il know that responded the creditor
'-but unless get that money I'll have
gore from a beat Philadelphia Press
First Tramp-s.This is getting be
yond me. Jack. Do you know the lay
of the land here-abouts?n Second
Tramp (broken-down tenor) ..It'.
the Star Spangled Banner. pard. but
can't sing it like 1 used to once.n-
Boston Herald.
Pater-sYou children turn up YOU
noses at everything on the table
When was boy | was glad to ge
enough dry bread to eat" Tommy
Say. pa. you're having a much better
time of it. now you are living with us
amt you?"-Grip.
"And what's all this hear. Barbara
about your wanting to find some occu
pationP" .'Well, you see, it's so dul
at home, uncle. I've no brothers oil
sisters-and papa's paralyzed = ant
mammals going blind-so want to b,
a hospital nurse. ."-Punch.
Teacher (at the mission Sunday
schooD Yes. children, Daniel wa
; cast into a den of lions, but not one o
them dared touch him. How strang,
-" Pupil (scornfully)-.-Aw, dat
, nuthin'; | seen duck do that act il
, the cirkis last year. ."-Boston Beacon.
Mr.. Uncertain-..Youk keep privat
: yacht. don't you. DubiousPn Mr.
} Dubious-''O, yes" MIR. Uncertain
: ''Well, next to money. what is tn,
most important adjunct necessary t,
the maintenance of craft of tha
) kind?" Mr.. Dubious Credit
: Epoch.
|, Young Mr.. Sissy Ito his prett,
! cousin)-"I am so much obliged I,
you. Maude, for the cane you sent m,
on my birthday. 1t was very thought
: full of YOU" Pretty Cousin--"I an
.. glad YOU liked it. Charley. / hop