Morning journal and courier., 1890-04-24
Who an, What Is Man3


 "Ay frens," said the Hon. Candlelight Jones of Nova Scotia, addressing the Lime Kiln club, "de subjick of my orashun to- night is Man. It is an orashun dat erec- ted myself, without any help. l didn't steal it from Shakespeare, an l didn't hire no white man to write it. (Sensation.) I was ober ten y'ars gittin' dis orashun together. I into any mistakes. knowed dere was a heau to talk about, an l wanted to git it all in whar' it belonged. I will now proceed:
 s'Man! Who an what is man7 What was man created fur? Why was he created in de form of man instead of @ hyena? What use is he? What was he bon furs In seek in to answer desc queshuns, my frens, you insensibly find yourselves delving into de regions of philosophy an follerin, de un- known paths of specuiashun. In de fust place, what was de use of all dis world wid- out mani It would simply be so much land an water gwine to waste. (Cries of Hear! HearlD 'Spese'n all desc yere rabbits an' 'possums an chickens were runnin' around widout anybody to make use of 'em-what 8 shameful waste of meat it would bel (Grosns) Oats one reason man was put yere-to eat chickens an sich. (Yum yumlD
 he shifted his weight to his left leg. "He's a substance composed of skin, blood, bones, teeth, toenails, brains, ha'r, and 50 on. He was created fust, an out of de best goods in de market. Dat's de reason he's heap purifier dan dog or cat. (Sensation.) If he had happened to hev bin ground hog or whale. Involuntary shivers.) Oar ar seb- eral different sorts of men, as moas' of you probably know. Dsy wasn't all made of de would hev bin monotonous. It would hev tried de eye, same as lookin' at 8 flock of white sheep. Dar' am no sort O queshun in my mind dat black used to be de moas'popu- lar color in de oeginnin' of things chearI hearlO, but de white man fo'ced his way in an got hisself boosted up to de top by some sort of gum game. (Growls and mutterings.)
 "Did you eber stop to think why man didn't grow to be ten feet high an to weigh a tons You probably neber did; an yit de explanashuns arr right to hand. If he was ten or 'leven feet high he could walk around no backyard widout sawin' his neck on @ clothesline, an if he weighed ton, an de roof of his hen-house sprung aleak, how'd he Man was bon to walk uprightly. Why wasn't he bon to go on four legs. like doga Dis philosophical queshun probably nebber occurred to your intelleck, but de reason is plain. You couldn't hev crowded ober ten of him into street car to once." (Cries of: "Ah-h!"
 The speaker here paused to wipe his heated brow and moisten his throat with a potash tablet. and, after a brief rest, con- tinued:
 "While man is de highest order of creash- un, he has at de same time got de moas' low down traits of character about him. While on my way frew Canada some man stole my umbrella from under my very nose (decided sensation), an on two odder occashuns ef- forts war made to despoil me of my satchel. Dat was de work of man. Would de lion, de tiger, de elephant or de grizzly bar des- cend to sich petty meanness? (Crtes of "No! never!m Wolves lib together in harmany, but man is allus in 8 fuss. De hyena knows when he's got good thing, but man is al' Jus wantin' better. Take an old hoss or 8 mewl an you kin depend upon him ebery day in de week. Take de aiverage man an you needn't expect to find him twice alike de same day. (Applause from Elder Toots, which was broken short off by Giveadam Jones giving him kick.) Of what use ii mani He thinks he's a heap Of use, but he befo' he cum. It would hev bin right heah now if nobody had eber bin bon. Man jist cums, sloshes around, kicks up dust, an departs, an de blackberry crop of de' next var is jist as large as if he had libed on.' Samuel Shin sheds tears.)
 My trens," continued the orator as he frightened his left suspender by an inch, 'man is pore, useless misguided critter. He's generous one day an stingy de next. He's way up on de pinnacle of greatness at 10 o'clock in de mawnin', and at 3 in de afternoon he'll dodge around co'ner to git shet of sivin' blind man @ cent. (Cries of sThat's so, old manlD One day he'll put his hand into his pocket, and give an orphan asylum a hundred dollars, an de next he'll sue a pore man fur de value of two shillin's. rYes, yesi) It ar my candid opinyun, based upon long y'ars of observation, dat man arr failure ss 8 man. Sensation ) He would hev made 6rst-rate animal or bird, an would hev been decided success as an alligator. I hev no recommends to make. Man is as he is, an he can't be no different. (Groans.) Arter de meetin' is out . collection will be tooken upfur de benefit of de undersigned, who's mighty sorry he wasn't bon a rhinoceros. Thankfn' you fur your interest an courtesy, will now bid you percolated good night an stand at de doah as you go out"
 The fnis was received with a whoop of ap- plause, but for some unexplained reason the applause and the collection didn't gibe within mile, the cash taken in amounting to only cents. That was another proof o1 the fact that man is a failure.