Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-09-11
WIT AND HUMOR.
The optlmist is the man who neve

There are two sides to every question
the wrong side and our side.-Ttrre
Haute Erpress.
The general run of women--when q
mouse comes in the room. = Ierre
Hdute Express.
Dubbs-''Tm tired of Life" Snuggs
well, why don't you stop your SUBJ
scription. ''-Jester.
How can | get rid of superfuous
hair. Mr. Druggist" "Get married,
sir. "-Bost0aa Courier.
A man never becomes so homely that
he is not handsome to the woman he is
good to.-AtchiSon Globe.
A mans closest creditor wouldn't
recognize him in the average hired
bathing suit.-Shoe Recorder.
1t is well to make the best of this
world, for you'll never get out of it
alive.-Great harrington Ne1Os.
There are times when a young man
can make himself most interesting by
keeping still.-Nea0 Orleans Picayune.
The first week that a man has a
telephone in his office he is apt to have
the yeller fever badly.-Bostoaa Bulletin.
Truth lies at the bottom of an ink
well. This explains why the post
scripts contain all the acts.-Anaericau
Grocer.
Stranger Gin Tombstone, Ariz. III
hear your bank has suspended" Res
ident-''Yes; so is the President. -
Racket.
Bangle-"Isn't Fangle rattle-head-
ed fellow?" Cumso-"No, sir; there
isn't anything in Fangle's head to rat
tie. '-LJe.
The rhetoric of convicts is abomin-
able; at all events they have a great
aversion to finishing their sentences
| PbitadeLp]aia Press.
What will it Costa RIGA vengeance
on San Salvador?n Il don't know. but
/ we've Guatemala, no matter what it
costs. "-AShidnd Press.
Some men credit themselves with the
good that is in them and blame the
| weakness of humanity for their short
comings .-Atchis0n Globe.
Mrs. Fellows" Jimpson's wife has
only one dress to her back" Mr. Eel
lows-"Ah, and she left that at home
this evening."-N. Y. Herald
Citizen (agitatedly) What, writ
for me? Why, God bless us!' Consta-
Bile (stolidly)-''Nop. Wrong again
Ma. anus. 1-Auaeyican Grocer.
Lovers are slow about proposing this
summer. Owing to the high price CT
the commodity they hesitate about
breaking the ice.-Ienas Sittiags.
First Hate-'Well, sir, things are
going smoothly now, SIR" Captain
Yes, that is because several of the
sailors have been ironed. - Toronto
Globe.
Cumso 'Jaysmith is penurous,
isn't hep" Faneie-'.I should say he
was! He won't even laugh at a Joke
unless it is at some one else's expense. :"
Epoch.
1t has been discovered that the cash
boys were very lazy in the days of Job,
for he says, All the day of my appoint
ed time will l wait till my charge
comes. "-Figoro.
Groom-''A ring around the moon is
the sigu of rain" Bride (sweetly)-
And a ring around a woman's finger
is the si9n of-?" Groom (sadly)-
Reign. '-Rncbet
Give me a toboggan," he said to
the barman. What do you mean?'
why, whisky, of course. There's moth
ing like it when a mans going down
all to make the descent lively. "-Phil-
adelphja Times.
1T is a dreary waste Of sand. isn't
it?" said the grocer's wife as she and
her husband were walking along the
sea beach. Yes it is; dreadful waste;
with sugar at eight cents pound. -
Washington Post.
He-"Man is the only animal that
au@hs. but it isn't necessary for yoU to
laugh all the time She-'.Man is
also the only animal that smiles. but it
isn't necessary for you to smile as often
as You do. "-Bostonjan.
Mrs. Sweet (who has her neighbor<
children in to spend the day)-s'And
so your mother is all alone! Dear me-
how she must be enjoying the quiet!
! (Aslde)-I will send my children over
there tomorrow!'-Munsey's Weekly.
Photographer Ito lady before the
camera) - Look pleasant, please y
Brute of Hushand-.'O come, now;
art is all right in its place: why not
have likeness look natural, if it's go
ing to be likeness?" -Bostora Tran
script.
Il see by the newspapers. " remarked
q TOW
two feet long has been found in Cali
fornia." why, you never told me
that your ancestors came from that
part of the country" replied her hus-
band.-FTgarO.
Get up!' exclaimed Miss Bunker
| Hills cousin. But the horse did not
move. The animal does not seem to
comprehend, said Miss Hill. Let
! me try" ''All right" Proceed,
Bucephalus!' And the animal proceed
ed.-Hdrper's BazGr.
/! Housekeeper - You needn't stop
| here. We've got nothin fer ye Break
fast was over an hour ago. Clear out,
now" Tramp-'I didn't expect no
breakfas' this time day mum, only
| hoped mebby I'd be in time for family
prayers. Good News.
Bank President (to cashier in iaiD-
Why didn't you go to Canada?''
Cashier (haughtily) Because I've
| got some pride about me and | didn't
want to go mp there witt, only $50, 900
and live on back street in q strange
city. Washington STIR.
We'll, Ado!ph. whom did