Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1890-01-24
SPARKS OF WIT
PRESSING buginessi-roning.


GONG the rounds-mounting a lad
der.
THE female ehirOpodist is the di-
vinity that shapes our ends.
THE raining favorite-a good UNI
brel1a that belongs to another man.
No ONE is able to write so long SEN
tence In so few words as the police
judge.
81 HEAR that the doctor has given
Griggsby up. Yes, he wouldn't pay
his bill.
ONE would think that a jaiIer would
be in pain all the time with so many
felons on his hands.
WATERS seem to be, as a class, quite
orderly men, yet they are continually
being called to order.
THERE'S one peculiar thing about a
horse race. You can pick the winners
right along until you put up your
money.
WHEN the world comes to an end and
all language is forever hushed. I'll bet
it will be a woman who viii have the
last word.
SQUEERs- you know when the
first umbrella was made? Nickleby-
Oh, yes; during the rain Of David, to
be used as parry Saul
DIME museum managers should in
augurate a search for a woman who
can play cards an entire evening with
out asking Whats trumps? 2"
EDITH (as the one-armed organ
grinder came in sight)-"Oh, mamma,
just look at that poor man! All the
sawdust has run out Of one of his arms
Amt that awful ?"
st Am sorry to say, said a sheriff to
a young widow, who was handsome,
shat I have an attachment for you.
ST am happy to say, sir, that it isn't
mutual" she replied.
Mr.. BLNKs-What? Thirty years
old tomorrow? You told the minister
who married US only two years ago that
you were only eighteen. Mrs. BEnks
(wearily)-Well, Ifelt eighteen then.
AN old man-of-war sailor, who had
lost leg in the service of his country,
became a retailer of fruit. He said he
was obliged to be a retailer, because
having lost a leg he could not be q
whole sailor.
LOUISE (of New York)-What! Have
you been married eight times, Elsie g?
Elsie (of Chicago)-Yes, I've had eight
husbands. And I've been very fOrtu-
nate, too; not a single one Of them died
on my hands.
Miss PRUDE (While out walking with
her younger sister, thinks she is rudely
treated Were you staring at me, sir :?
| Strange GentIeman-Bless you, no,
madam I was admiring your little
granddaughter.
YIsIToR-I hope, my friend, that you
now see the great error you have
made. Murderer I see it clearer
every day. If I'd only r killed de hired
girl too there wOuld't have been no one
left to peach on me,
ED1rH-I don't like electric light in
house. Jack Why? Edith-Be-
cause it can be turned on so uneXpect-
eddy by-pa, for instance. Jack-N ell,
let us go out on the piazza. The moon
won't play us any trick.
MAMMA" said Tommy, as he
watched his little brother squirming in
the bath-tub, willie is like a piece of
flannel" "What make you think so 2"
asked his mother. ooh, because he
shrinks when he's washed"
TEACHER Johnnie, is it proper to
say, peaches is better than watermel-
ons ?" Johnnie (who evidently has his
likes and dislilzesl No, ma'am. Teacher
Well, you may correct the sentence.
JOhnnie-W Watermelon is better than
peaches.
You've Medical Student Ito his
sweetheart)-DO you know, Julia, that
the human heart is equal to the lift
ing of 12O pounds every tWenty-fOur
hours? Julia (demureIy)-W Veil, that's
Just my weight. Then he lifted her to
his heart.
PINKIE is the youngest in a very piOus
family. The other day she heard he
parents speaking Of getting some blood
oranges, At supper the oranges were
on the table, and Pinkie perceiving
them on the table said please let me
| have a bloody orange.