Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-09-08
For the lands sake,-a fertilizer.

For the lands sake,-a fertilizer.
"This is narrowing said the man who
was in debt to his wig-maker.
Masher-Are you travelling alone, Missf
Maiden-I am, sir, good day.
''There is always room at the top" does
not apply to the thermometer
sis your cook Freneh?' .sNo; Amer
lean. Sort of Pan-American."
The teakettle sings because it is always
able to keep itself outside of hot water.
Life is fall of compensations. When
the husband is out all night the lamp is
not.
Misfortune and poverty bring out the
good points of a man, including his ell
bows.
When a man is overpraised, he should
begin to understand what kind of a man
he ought to be.
Wife-My husbands out of town. Call
er-When will he be in? Wife-When he
is out of money.
Ice is very high in Switzerland. Some
of 1t on Mont Blanc is over 10000 feet
above the sea level.
81 tell you, George, there isn't much
pie in convicts life" mo; but he gets
his deserts just the same"
My son, define ambition Well, it's al
ways feeling that you want to do some
thing that you know you can't.
Mrs. Homespun says a good husband
should be like perfect chimney, and do
his smoking outside the house.
Barber-Does the razor hurt you, Ell?
Victim-Are you sure it's razor? 1 had
an idea it was piece of barrel hoop.
Jack Uppers-Can you lend me ten,
Cheeky? Oheckly-No. I've tried to do
so, but you always seem to consider it's
gift.
The cause of it.-Fangle- is a
great deal of scratching at the polls now.
Cumso-Yes; it comes from the itch for
Office.
The down of peach is apparent; the
down of banana may not be visible at
first glance, but sooner or later you tum-
BILE to it.
Johnson-WhY is the moon often spok-
en- of as the silvery moon? Jackson-Be-
cause we get it in halves and quarters, 1
suppose.
George" asked Mrs. Cumso, "what
paper in the United States has the larg-
est circulation" Paper money!" replied
Cumso promptly.
Mendicant-Can't you give me a few
pennies for my poor family at home, sir?
Merchant-No, no, man; / don't want to
buy any poor family.
Julia didn't like to go to school and
complained a great deal of feeling i'll.
Where do you feel the worst, dear? said
mamma. In school said Julia
Mr.. Dunly-I always move about in
the best society. Mr.. MaYf1ower In
deed? Mr.. Dunly-Yes; 1 am the agent
of debt collecting institution.
Billings-I will take a little more of
that railroad soup, please" Mrs. Hash
croft = Railroad soup? Billings Yes;
more water than stock, you know.
$50 Jack is married, Ell? Do you think
he'll get along well with his wife?' s'Pm
quite sure he will. They sang in the same
choir for two years without quarrelling."
Teacher-Now take the sentence, Mary
made some cocoanut cakes How do you
parse 'cocoanut cakes?' The whole school
Gin unison)-We never pass cocoanut
cakes.
mabel. dearest, do you think 1 could
make you happy" 81 should think so.
Mrs. Jenkins husband did her, 'sHow?"
she insured his life for $4,000 and then
died.
When L asked her to marry me she be-
gan to shrink like flannel shirt That's
an odd comparison; what do you mean?
just what | say. She got up around my
neck.
Jeems (the utler)-There is lawyer
in the library, mum, and burglar in the
dining room. Lady of the House-Very
well, Jeems. You may put the lawyer
out first.
A Chicago wag advertised for agents
to peddle artesian wells, and he got TWEEN
ty replies in the first mail. One wanted
TO know how many he could carry along
in a one-horse lumber wagon.
Twenty years ago, it is said, Denmark
exported annually 100000 eggs; and ev-
cry once in while nowadays the house
keeper is led TO think that some OF these
twenty years old eggs are on the market
Fsb