Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-04-27
/" JACK DoD'S" BREAKFAST.
he WILL APPRECIATE HIS WIFE MORE
IN THE FUTURE.
His Experience i'm the Kitchen Not n,
All Satisfactory A Bashfui
Couple in the Cars.

EDS suNpaY UNION: YOU are probabl,
q married man, or have been, or would lik
to De. Now, the reason that / propoun,
this conundrum at the very outset of m,
tale, or, more properly speaking, my mar
rative, for the word tale has leo general al
application, IS because / want your sym
pathy; that is, if you are married, or hav
been; for. if you are not, or have not been
you cannot properly coudole with me il
my recent unpleasant series of catastro
phies.
am married man. Yes, very mucl
| married. But l am very glad of it, Be
| cause if ! were not the world would neve
have had the pleasure of reading this thrill
ing experience.
My wife was among the throng of sight
seers who went to The G. A. r. reunion a
Red Bluff last week, and she very consid
| erately left me at home to look out fol
things. | might remark here, parenthet
lcaliy, as 1t were, that there isprecious little
TO look out for. However, she went and ]
stayed, and the understanding was that
should bach" during her absence. w,
are trying to be very economical, in order
| 10 save up sack" for that historical rainy
day, and was quite enthusiastic over the
prospect of having something to eat, for s
| change; be it understood that pride my
self upon my culinary accomplishments, o,
| rather did before | was left alone with The
rudder of state-no. house-in nv strona
| masculine hands. | have modified my
opinion somewhatin that regard, however
as subsequent events will show.
Before taking her departure my wife es
corted me through all the rooms of ou,
lovely home There are only twol and
told me what must do and where to find
things during her absence, First, she gave
me full and explicit instructions in regard
to the keeping of our bed. room, sitting.
room and parlor that's the front rooml
then we went into the dining-room, kitchen
buttery and bathroom Chats the back
room).
Now, my dear" says she, in her mos
queenly and striking manner chats one Of
the times she didn't hit me, though. be-
cause dodged) here is the stove; you ar,
to cook upon that, you know; here is the
-four, and here is a large old gold dish in
which you are to make your hot cakes
there is the tea and coffee, in those two
cans; you will observe that they are ius
alike, so be careful you don't make a mis-
take; and everything else you will FIND
without any trouble, so be good boy
now, and goodbye"
Well, my troubles began next morning
/ arose with light heart and heavy head
q had been out with some friends the night
before) and couldn't fluid my trousers. ]
searched through the most intricate re.
cesses of the parlor, sitting-room and bed.
/
cess; then / waltzed through the dining.
room, kitchen and buttery (the back rooml
and finally drew forth the lost trousers
from the flour department Of the kitchen
cabinet, where | had evidently deposited
them night before, thinking had safely laid
them away in the bureau drawer. / am
unable to account for the miscalculation in
my bearings, unless / attribute it to the fact
that | arrived home the night before with 8
small. sized lag"
Having made my toilet, after the recov,
cry and thorough busting OF my floury
pantaloons, l proceeded to tune up the tea
kettle. 1t was soon singing away mersily
in perfect time and on the same score as
our little bantam cock in the yard beyant
What a lovely time l was having. | got
the coffee.pot off its peg and into it put s
quart of water, as much as l could drink
duu tucn duucU piut VI uDe JdNd SDC
Mocha mixed. / like my coffee strong
Before the coffee had come TO a boil,
thought it had, though, / tasted it to ties,
its strength, and found it too weak by far
/ reached up for one of those twin cans tC
get more coffee, and just as l got my hanG
| full my attention was attracted outside to
| fierce battle between our bantam cock anC
| neighbours fowl. l hrrriedly deposited
| the contents of my hand into the coffee-po
| and watched the battle. II was short
| sharp and decisive. Our cock won hand:
down. 1t made him feel awful good, 100
| to clean cut the other fellow. He got upor
the topmost bough of an old ash barrel ant
crowed till he was hosrse Then he hoppee
down and waltzed around bis girl, the ban
| tam hen. on one leg and one wing, ant
| polkaed back on the other wing and cthel
| leg. Finally he and his girl marched of
! singing merry lay, and IN short time
went out and got the egg.
now turned my attention to the com
pletion of my morning meal. The coffee
had boiled, good and hard, too. so / set i
| Oft and turned my attention to hot cakes
knew all about cakes-hot cake:-so pro
cee6ed, using an old receipt | had jottet
down in my memory. took auuanIity o
| flour and put it into the old-gold dish. ,her
added one part of salt and three parts. O.
thereabouts, of baking powder put in
| half part of sugar TO make them brown
nicely, and then stirred to nice bate
with solution OF milk and water, and
| spoon.
Ny mouth had already begun to water
so eager was TO fall TO.
| After having cooked thirty-seven-
| didn't feel hungry enough to eat NOR
than that squared myself for tie iray.
| rOtlr,.t n of pEff.a nd ro
marked myself in the pouring that i
had very peculiar appearance as we'll as
rather foreign smell. | tasted i, but no
the second time. That one taste came nea
putting out my light. II then occurred +
me that during the excitement OF the cocl
fight | had inadvertently put in handful
of tea instead OF coffee, and the TWO com
bined, after a half hours boiling, made
decoction that would have been bette
match for John l.. Sullivan than eithe
kilrain or Jackson.
| felt very sad over the result of m,
coffee, but consoled myself with the though
| that had before me pile OF delicious no
cakes. although it was awful hard luck +
have to wash them down with Sacrament
straight. and muddy al that. However
time was flying on apace, and had to be q
the Office in twenty minutes. l turned t
on the cakes, fixed couple nicely witt
butter and loaf sugar, took my kuife an,
fork to dispatch them with, but the knit
was so dull that it made no impression Oh
them. l got another knife, but with n,
better luck. Then | tried my teeth lthe
are not store teetb), but it WIS no go.
began to get angry then. am of YER
smooth, lovely. even temperament Il ough
to have been a preacher, but really begal
to think of appropriate cuss words to ex
press my feelings. | could think of non
strong enough. went out and got tn
| ak, and with that succeeded in carving tn
cakes. but c5uldn't eat them. had +
go to the office without my breakfast.
Mr.. Editor, it is sad, indeed. that yo1
couldn't have drank of that coffee or eatel
| of those cakes, for then you would hav
died; and you know how pleased a grea
many people would be if you were dead
There are great quantities of people, VIII,
| delight in hearing of the demise of al
editor. But they get fooled editors don
die. That is, not often. Sometimes the
are hung or 60 to Congress, which is abou
the same thing.
That was my first and last attempt a
| preparing meal. / really felt sea-sicl
over my ignominous failure as chef de CT.
sine, or whatever you call it, and startet
for the Grand Army Encampment Al