Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1890-06-25
Difference between the Married and
Single Man.

1t seems very little thing to stand
up for ten minutes before clergyman
and say over after him II will" a few
times, and after that be kissed and
congratulated by score of people
you have hardly seen before that time,
and who will ever after remain in
your memory collectively as her
relations, says Kate Thorn in the
New York Weekly.
Marriage, we are told, is civil
contract, like great many other
kinds of contracts but it will work
more change in man than three con-
versions, two vaccinations, a run of la
grippe, a railway accident and two
bankruptcies.
The married man can never again
become the single man. His wife
may die or get divorced, or elope with
another man, but her husband can
never 60 back to the virgin state of
single blessedness, and he knows it,
though he tried his best to compass
it.
A married man always carries his
condition with him, like a trade. mark.
Anybody of average discernment can
detect him at a glance.
He does not pinch his toes with
tight boots. He does not scent him
self with violets. He never parts his
hair in the middle. He keeps his
seat in the horse car when the pretty
girl, laden with bundles, comes in ;
he knows that his wife wouldn't ap-
prove of his rising. He does not get
up flirtations with the good-looking
saleswomen where he buys his gloves /;
he remembers that little birds are
flying all around telling tales, and he
has horror Of curtain-lectures some
how, married men never seem to ar
rive at that stage of beautitude where
they do appreciate the kind of literary
performance known as curtain
lectures.
The married man has come to that
stage when he is convinced that the
way his necktie hangs may not be any
more important than his souls saliva
tion. He knows to a certainty that
the true happiness does not depend on
the amount Of starch in his shirt bosom,
but he will have to have been at
least three times welded before he will
be able to reconciled to collar band
two sizes too small or one size
large. The man who can smile at
fate when it swoops down upon him
in the shape Of an ill-ftting collar
band is nearly ready for canonization.
The married man goes to sleep in
church. He is placid when some
body's baby cries at the play. He
knows the prices of sugar and round
steak. He carries bundles with
meekness. He knows that bustles
are going out of fashion. He can
distinguish between false "crimps"
and those which grow on the head.
He knows that women put their hair
in papers. Powder is no longer a
mystery to him. He can detect it on
the faces of his female friends, and he
looks out that it does not get on his
coat, because his wife can detect it, too.
He is not distracted if she smiles
on other men, as he once was. He
can read the paper whole evening,
and never thinks of squeezing her
hand. He is sleepy by 8 o'clock.
Before they were married he could
sit up with her till day-dawn and
never dream Of such thing as sleep.
He no longer loves her cat and dog
He frequently says he wishes that cats
had been left out of the scheme of
creation. He has been known to
kick the unoflendiDg animal. He
has little sympathy for wifely head
aches. Once he was on the verge of
lunacy over any of her little ailments !;
now he is great deal more, concern
ed as to what he is to have for dinner.
He dosen't spend any money on
flowers. He lays il out in cigars in.
stead.
He is no longer acting with pur-
pose in view-he has married her,
and he is himself once more. Just a
married man and not an ideal, ro-
mantle, sonnet.writing lover.
And what about thesingle mani
Just imagine him everything that
the married man is not, and great
deal more, and you will not come far
short of the mark.