Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-08-31

IaVOrlte musical instrument the Tyre
Boston Gazette
People who have always been wealthy
are simple enough in their manners. The
suddenly rich put on a million airs.-NaC
Orleans Picayrne.
Carlyle says there is personal noble
ness and even sacredness in work. He
might have added, there is money in it,
too.-Boston Courier.
The farmer who exhibits the big carrot
at the county fair has every reason to
expect prize. He knows his carrot can't
be beet.-Elmira Gazette.
The man who says he is going to get
there, and don't you forget it, makes more
noise about it than the man who is act
ually there-Atchison Globe.
A good way to save your family the ex-
pense of large and costly funeral after
your death is to be mean man while you
live.-El Dorado, Kan, Republican.
~ tell you that fellow is bound to
shine" SIS that so? He looks very
ordinary, dirty sort of fellow" eOf course
he does. He's a bootblack. Montereg
Wdre.
"Dem clodings. mine vriendt, maag you
look like President Harrison" "Then
don't want them" "Vy nod ?o Because
the President doesn't dress as we'll as |
want to-"
"I don't believe in allowing domestics
to get the upper hand. Imake my servant
keep her place" ''You are lucky. Ours
never does for more than three weeks."-
Ameriean Grocer.
1t is singular fact that when anything
is too horrid to relate, everybody is dying
to hear it. No, that isn't exactly right,
either. Everybody wants to relate it
Boston Transcript.
Sweet girl-"If it is Just the same, Mr..
Mashuer, you needn't trouble yourself to
call any more" Mashuer (earnestly)-
"Oh, thanks, it's no trouble at ALL like
to call."-West Shore.
"a fine day, your HONOR said the still
maudlin prisoner to the Judge, as he was
brought to the bar. eyes; a very fine
day." said the Judge; "your fine is SlO."-
Binghamton Republican.
Mike-"Whist, Pat, I've got new
goat" Pat misunderstanding -"Phat
kind of coat, Mike-swallow-tail ?''
Mike-"Oh, he's got no tail at all-but
he'll swallow anything"
"There is small consolation" said the
bald-headed man, "to know that the hairs
of our head are numbered so long as you
haven't any check and can't redeem
them. - Washington Post
Stout Lady-"I want to get some cloth
for a dress" Floor Walker-"For your
self, madam ?' Stout Lady-"Yes, SIR
Floor Walker-"You will find our whole
sale department in the rear"
Dashaway (at the table)-"I think ]
shall marry rich girl and settle down.
Mrs. Slimdiet (the landlady)-'Tt would
be much better plan, Mr.. Dashaway, i
you would stay single and settle up"
Winks Cooking into jewelers. window
I-"How rich he must bep Jinks-"Very
rich. Those are unusually fine diamonds
Winks-"Are they diamonds / thought
they were Jumps of ice."-Munseys Weekly
Rev. Longnecker-"Dear, l do wish
could think of some way to make the con
gregation keep their eyes on me during
the sermon" Little Tommy-"Pa, yol
want to put the clock right behind the
pulpit" "-The Epoch.
'I declare" exclaimed Mrs. Pricem, &c
never did see such set of creatures thes'
shop-girls are They seem to take it as
personal affront if ask one of them t.
show me anything, and they know vel
enough that | never buy anything. g."-Bos
ton Transcript.
| Razzle-"Didn't you say you can tell {
story that will, take away ones breath p
Dazzle-"That's what can. It's terrible
tale" Razzle-"Tell it to me, won't you
| want to go home, and / wouldn't hav,
my wife know Pve been drinking for tn,
world" Chicago Post.
Johnny-'fUncle Charlie. won't yol
take the wagon down to McGonigle's anC
get it painted" Uncle Charlie why
Johnny, that's a saloon. They don't dt
painting there" Johnny-"Then wha
made mamma say that was where you go
your nose painted ?'- West Shore.
Pastor-"Brudder Acker, Pse sorry t.
see yo' ersleep durin de sermon, di
morn" Brother Acker-''Deed | wasn'
asleep. My mouf was wide open er drink
in in de words OBJ de sermin, an was 81
affected dat | had ter shut my eyes tel
keep back der rs."-Scobner's Monthly
Tailor-"I really do hope you will settle
this little account to-day, sir. | have /
heavy bill to pay my cloth merchant
| Captain calmly )-"Confound your impu
dencel You go and contract debts, anC
come dunniug me to pay them. Get out
or Pll send for the police e"-HUper's Ba
zar.
A fellow, thinking to appear smart, en-
tered a notion store on Sixth avenue th'
other day, and said to one of the sales
ladies: Ever have any calls for husbands
hereY "Oh, yes, occasionally. Are yot
looking for a market ?' eyes," sale
Smarty. Albright. Step right up to th'
| 10-cent counter"
Judge Peterby-"Where is your sor
now ?' Colonel Yerger-"He is witt
Silverstone." Judge Peterby-"Is tina
the merchant who has failed several time!
and been burned out time or two?'
Colonel Yerger-"Yes, that's the man.
want my son to get practical business
education" "-Ieras Sytings.
"That's queer" mused Mr.. Fangle as ht
sat reading his newspaper. "Here Smith
Smith & Smith say in their advertisement
that they are having a great run in col
ored ginghams, and a.little further dowr
they warrant the ginghams not to run.
shall tell my wife to be careful when she
trades there"-1he Bostonidn.
Daughter Cat the seaside)-"Papa, Pn
going to marry Algernon, who has waitet
on us at the table since we have beer
here" Papa with a glad light in hi
eye)-"Thank heaven, my child, for that
The fortune have given him in tips may
remain in the family. Bless you, bles
you, daughter Washington Star.
'Maria, don't you think there is som,
truth in the old belief that husband anc
wife grow in time to look like each other?'
Not much, John; l can't see that yot
have grown any handsomer since l mar
ried you" "That may be true, but yor
know you've got a good deal more bearc
than you had then, Maria. p Chicag
Tribune.
Irate Patron-"You advertise to cur,
consumption, don't you?" DIR. Quack-
Eyes, sir. never fail when my instruc
tions are followed" Irate Patron-@My
son took your medicine for year, anc