The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-08-22
i. OREGON, FRIDAY. AUGUST %. 1890


At the opening of the meeting Brother
Gardner announced that lecture No. OF
the summer series, announced at the
last meeting, would be delivered by the
Hon. Sidehill Wellington, ID. ks. q.
Al, OF Eufaula, Ala The gentleman
named was known as 1.-THE Demosthenes
Of the South" and ranked as philoso-
pher OF the first water. His subject was:
why Ar Dis Thus?'' and Samuel Shin
and Pickles Smith were warned TO pre-
serve proper decorum in the presence
Of the stranger or be prepared tor the
consequences.
The honorable gentleman was intro
duced by the visiting committee in one
time and three motions. Like all great
philosophers his shoes were down at
the heel, his elbows frayed, his knees
out OF true, his general appearance
proved carelessness on his part as to
whether he got up right end first in the
morning. He was received with enthu-
siastic applause, during which Deacon
Baker managed to give Elder Toots a
vigorous kick and lay 1t to accident
As he bowed his applause two buttons
were heard to strike the wall behind
him and his collar made determined
effort to rise above his ears
My frens, /" began the honorable in a
voice rich with anticipation of the corr
ing watermelon season, I'VE go to bed
at night. If we hev no company we go
to bed long bout half-past nine o'clock
IL we hev sofree on hand il may be two
hours later. II i ak you what you go TO
bed fur you answer TO sleep What do
you sleep fur? You reply dat it is be :
kase natur' intended you to. Yes, but
why did she? You can't tell You
tumble into bed an lay dar' on your
backs an snooze an snore an dream of
de lucky numbers in policy, an when
mawnin' comes you fall out an kick
de dog an jaw de chill'en. an wish
you was rich an didn't heve to go 70
work. Yells of applause Natur'
meant dat you should lie down in sleep
to give de body rest-to let de mus
cles relax. de nerves grow quiet de
brain ceas its tremendous efforts fur
awhile. My world-renowned tonic,
which kin be had in de ante-room after
dis meetin' adjourns at two-bits bot
tie, ebery bottle warranted TO hold half
pint. viii bring about dis happy re-
suit No cure no pay"
The orator paused here to imbibe a
glass of water, and puzzled look crept
into Brother Gardner's face. He was
observed TO make signal to Givead am
Jones. and that individual nodded as if
be understood
I'VE hev de back-ache," continued the
orator-''de back-ache, de collie, pains
in de chist. fits of melancholy, bad
dreams, sudden desiah to jump of de
tower of de City Hall. We hev sich
things an we nebber stop to inquar' de
reason We jist go right long sufferin'.
layin' our sad condishun to Jay Gould,
Vanderbilt an de Standard Oil Com
pany, an nebber supposin' dar is sartin
an cheap cure right at hand. ISensa-
tion. My frens, has the proud salts
fackshun TO tell ron dat l am de i'm
yeEtor, proprietor an sole agent on dis
globe fur de 'swelIington Cholera Pre-
ventative an Lightnin' Com Remover, IS
an arter dis meetin' is oter my remedy
kin be had by any of the gem'len pres
ent at de usual price of two bits box
warranted purely vegetable or money
refunded" High old applause-l
AS the speaker stopped to take an
other pint of water there was broad
grin on almost every face, and this was
increased by the uneasy movements of
Brother Gardner. 1t was plain to be
seen that he had been taken in and done
for again, and that he was arranging
some sort of a programme with Give
adam Jones, who has long held the posi-
ton of Bogardus Kicker 70 the club
my frens," pathetically continued
the honorable, after the water had been
put away behind his nankeen vest, '.you
is walkin' along de street. an am sud
denly token wild a crick in de back.
an can't go on down to de bank
an draw out $50. You git up in
the mawnin' feelin' slumpy. You
doan keer two cents whether you
hev quail on toast or turkey on sweet
cake fur breakfast You wake up in
de night wild cole sweat startin' out, a
violent beatin' of de heart. an fear
in your soul dat band of Anarchists
Is hidden under de bed TO take your
life. On sartin occashuns you sot down
wild a piece of chalk an a shingle to
hgger up how much a var it will cost
you to rent forty post-office boxes at
81 each. You is stuck. De fggers
dance away from you. Your eyes blur
an you jump UP in alarm if de dog
howls in de back yard. You go right
along jist de same, however, nebber
stoppin' TO inquar' into de material
causes, an de fust thing you know your
friends am gathered around your bed
stead rto see you expire. decided
sensation all over the hall. My
frens, it gives me de utmos' pleasure
to be able to inform you on dis auri-
ferrous occasion dat am de sole owner
of what is called De Wellington Cure
All Plaster. which / warrant to be com.
posed of sixteen different roots an de
best Norf Carolina tar. Desc plasters
sell at twenty cents each, or six for a
dollah, and de President of dis United
States had one on de small of his back
when he entered de White Hous
fur de fust time. Arter dis aeetln' is
smbuscaded 1 shall be moas' happy to
see you all in de ante-room, an -
At this point Givedam Jones inter
rupted the speaker to say that man
wanted to see him outside on very inn.
lortant business.
Exactly" replied the honorable.
''My frens, will retiah fur moment
s,n' ascertain his business. My address
is only half concluded.
He retired in good order, smiling and
t,owing as he passed down the isle, bui
he never came back. Two minutes
later his voice was heard saying:
boy, be keerful whar you put dat
fur of yoursl 1 doan't low nobody te
fool wild mei''
And little later.
81 nebber skipped town yit an
won't begin nowF'
Then Paradise Hall Jared and vi