Montgomery County sentinel., 1890-03-28
MiscellanenMs.
Trials Adam Escaped.

No doubt it was severe aflliction to
old Grandfather Adam to be turned out
of Paradise, though there are two sides
to every question, and perhaps he was
not wholly wretched over it. We are
not going to argue the point at present.
What we want to get at is the fact
that, though Adam lived so long ago,
when the world was young, he escaped
a great many troubles and trials which
beset the modern man.
He never had to wrestle with II act Of
false teeth which did not fit, and which
felt, in spite of the smiling dentists as
surance that thpv looked perfectly
natural, sir" more and more like a
bureau in his mouth every day.
He did not have any pretty girl
neighbor, younger and more blooming
than Mrs Eve, who made him wish,
whenever he looked at her, that he had
waited little longer before settling for
life.
Nobody asked him to subscribe for a
cyclopmdia.
Nobody asked him to give hundred
dollars to the minister.
No friend wanted his name on little
bill, Just for thirty days, as mere
form, you know.
Nobody wanted to insure his life or
sell him sewing machine, or Il new
kind of soap, or patent churn, or a
liver pad, Or new tangled apple parer,
or a prize package of stationery.
Nobody wanted to put lightning rods
on his house. Chrome peddlers had
not then begun their travels. Organ
grinders did not pursue him with their
hats held out. Bills for French milli-
merry and "sundries" never clouded his
brow.
He had never hankored after 2:20
horse. He had no ambition to mount q
bicycle. He never had to fight potato
bugs, We may safely conclude that ho
did not take pills, or btters, or restora-
tivcs warranted to cure all diseases un-
der the sun in one month, or money re-
funded
lie was never mashed to jelly in a
crowded horse car, never blown up in n
steamboat where life preservers were
put away so safely that nobody could
find them. He was never pruned Of
one of his arms and legs, and scalded
to death besides, in railway collision,
where nobody was to blame, and the
company was not censured.
lie never had to ask anybody "what
this celebration at Yorktown was for"
As he was born grown up, we may
conclude that he never had to contend
with teething, or nursing bottles soured,
or tho mumps, or the mealses, or the
whooping cough, or the rash. and, as
be had no mother, of course he was
never properly spanked, which may &C.
count for the mis-steps he made 10 his
career.
His heart was never torn by the pangs
of jealousy. He never had to stand by
and keep cool, while, Miss Eve walked
off with the "0thcr fellow" for the sim.
pie reason that the other was not there
to walk off with. He had not been born
just then.
Adam, in all probability, never wore
a stiff stand up collar, or pair of pants
in which he dared not sit down. lie
never ate oleomargarine, under the fond
deluson that it was butter.
He never attended any lectures OF
health, to learn that all food was poison
and that nothing was wholesome for man
to eat He did not know what the mod
ern man knows, that to be healthy he
must starvc, freeze and eschew all things
called happiness, and take coldwatel
baths and gymnastics and dandelion tet
daily
He never got divorced He neve
committed murder when be was in
sane. He never robbed bank. III
never ran away with another man
wife. He was brave old fellow, an
took great care Of his farm, and h
lived to be $50 years old, and died with
out knowing the multitude of trouble
no had escaped by having been in ex
istence at such an early stage Of th
worlds history.