The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-02-02

This is bona fide document, and shows
not only wonderful command of Language
and an artistic method of word painting.
but illustrates also the fact that Justice
OF the peace often possesses a kind and
gentle heart.
once knew a justice of the peace in
chicago who was so tender hearted that he
haa 10 nerve himself up by calling to his
aid the demon rum. He had an office over
saloon. and dumb waiter with a sneak
ing tube to it. Before he could assume the
courage necessary to pass Judgment. OF
even tax the costs, he had to tip the dumb
waiter two or three times in rapid success.
sion. lie died at last a victim to his ten
der heart, and his last words We're: ssWby
DO you permit those large heliotrope cater
pillars, with green stomachs and cold. wet
1eet, to roost in my side whiskers!'' He
was man of deep research and a pleasing
manner, and during his last illness only bit
MS wife once when his overwrought think
ing works had slipped cog. While in his
right mind, he was uniformly kind to his
family, and would not bite even the mean
est insect
We were speaking after this of the in
creaslng death rate and incidentally of the
terrible boom in the undertaking business
when quiet old gentleman across the aisle
SAID ne was surprised to notice that in some
OF the cities 1t was reported that the under
nil the orders made on them
There is no business on earth. ), he said
that ought to be ready for an emergency
any easier than the undertaking business.
used to be an undertaken myself but re-
formed two years ago and retired am
able to live without it now, and am will
ing to state that the death rate must in
crease cool deal faster than it has before
undertaking need be hustled or crowded
very much.
I'm the first place. it would surprise Won
to know how cheaply they can make q
coffin. I've known bereaved relatives to
pay for handsomely fitted up and thor
oughly Lined coffin, and get a pine box with
knot holes in it, lined mostly with fiuted
confectioner's paper and covered with
cheap black cloth. | had stock in a coffin
factory for three years, and we could make
one OF these receptacles about as cheaply
as you could peach basket. A coffin that |
is covered, as the most Of them are now. is |
a pretty cheap affair before it gets its dress |
suit on. We used lumber that couldn't be |
used anywhere else, the knots were so |
large, and liable to drop out We, of |
course, knew the sizes of our customers
and so aimed to so arrange it that if there |
was large knot hole we would work it on
a large person so that he couldn't sift
through on his way to the grave
There is very good profit in this busi
ness indeed, and the deeper the grief of the
family the more you can sock it to them on
the price without being discovered Gre
nation was all that we were ever afraid of
That would have Knocked US all to pieces.
and some day it viii do il too The present
methods are too tempting to the shrewd
American undertaken.
1--WE got SS5 for little white caslzet
once. 1t was marked Our Pet hated
myself for charging that price, for we
cleared $40 on it, and | couldn't eat nv
meals all day. took it up to the house
wishing could wear a mask like other
burglars who climb over a corpse or two
in order to get a few dollars. There was
white Grape on the door. and all was hushed
about the house. People who passed
walked on their toes, and held their own
children a little tighter by the hand until
they got by, for fear that Death himself
might yet be lurking behind tree box in
the neighborhood.
"Well, l went back after I'd delivered
the casket and next day / found that il ,
was for a little dog that had never been
deodorized during his Ii e, and who had not
relented even in death.
tsHis mistress told me that he was a very
talented dog, and knew as much as she did
herself. Her bursting heart was still sore.
and so did not contradict herr
| had an odd experience when last in New
York; and / will tell it, because it NAV in
terest others who have passed through -,
similar one had been up to Harlem for
the evening, addressing large and spell .
bound audience of people, most of whom |
hung on my lips for quite a while. had !
gone up town with friends who paid nv {
elevated fare and babe me good night at ;
One Hundred and Twenty fifth street. /
was in full evening dress, and the flush OF l
social success was on my brow While I
waiting for a South Ferry train, took I
paper from my pocket and read
hat my income was estimated at 81 900 per
week. was just figuring out what this U
would amount to n case / lived to be p
linety-five years old. when it occurred to c
ne that the train would soon be along. So i.
went to the window with my large valise o
my working clothes, and asked C
or ticket C
Reluctantly the salesman tore one off and d
hoyed it out at me. The train came just is
hen, and got nervous, for could not find r
my change. The train went away, and p
till l did rot discover any change any. n