The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-07-13
THE GREATEST OF UNDERWRITERS
Ignorants is Wheelbarrow and Work; In.
telligents is Raymond Coaches
and Pic-Nies.

Influential Citizen-So yer thinkin' OF
locatin' hyur, air yer!
Young Physician-Well. yes, had
thought some of practicing here
influential Citizen = Practisin' Look
hyur, young man, there's d good opening
hyur for doctor as understands his biz.
but We want no practisiD'; doctorin's what
we want.
We Liberals believe that headucashun IS
the human engine that heIIevates mankind
from the swamps of ignorants AMI sets him
on the Raymond coach of progress.
This was greeted with ..Ratsr and cries
that the Raymond is Mormon institu-
ton.
l do not want to be disturbed by either
rats or any otherllind of vermin- Lend
me your ears, Roman friends and fellow
countrymen, and | will hang on like bull
terrier to sow's ear, unfolding tale of
truthfulness that will put to flight the
armies of the Mormon hosts.
Like Mrs. Battle, who only asked for
bright fire, clean hearth and the vlgor OF
the game, all we demand is headucashun
that does not go by halves, but by holes.
That is our hole policy. [Cries of "t4c-
Ginty slide in ~
Ignorants is a wheelbarrow and work ;
II lllU1u SOdOh win OH
eternal pleasure ground OF pic hicks and
punch bowls I'VE feet across. Small boys
whoop: That's whopper" Older citi-
zen shout, "Ladle her QUIZ
We want TO run things.
We are born leaders.
We are Amounted office holders.
We are backed by the intellectual Powers.
We asked the people to give US a GENTLE
fire department. We got it.
They gave it. Cheers.
Since then there have no fires-not very
many, and those that caught on were a
credit to the city; no half and half displays,
but genuince confagrations. Jehosophat,
how things burn under Liberal rule! That
is what gentle administration means. 1t
means plenty of fires and big ones.
Then we asked them to allow US to APP
point the city clerk and we named Louis
HyaTs as the man who had the right kind
of headucaShun to show up d double-header
in the city finances.
The old Mormon clerk was so stupid and
dull that he had ogo TO the Office ard work
all day, while our Louis fine Workmanship
enables him to run the Office without goin 9
near the office, except on heXtra occasions
to draw his salary.
| have seen Louis Hyams figure up q
mans water rate when selling pools-not
pools of water, but pools of chips on races
When boss racing is over, Louis finds re
creation and profit in stock gambling. This
is enlightenment and advancement.
When we came into power the old Nor
mons asked us to appoint city engineer
who knew something about cities. We
told them that gentle didn't have to know
anything about his occupashun or anything
else except getting votes, as he was smart
enough ennyway. We picked up a man
from the railroad dumps, and he has gone
| to ''railroading' the town. When he is not
cutting up he is cutting down, and we will
all soon be on dead level and our Knob
hills on the dumps. Every man in towr
will soon be living in flats.
The record of the city council is an hen
viable won.
We no sooner got the run of things thai
we discharged the men who knew every
thing and put greenies in their places, ant
| the city began to grow verdant.
| During our administration the saloons
have doubled, and gambling, instead of be
ing conducted in the garrets, is made re
spectacle and brought to the ground floor
where even our boys can get at it withou
walking up two flights of stairs.
We are not too good, just good enough
Golly, but arn't we getting gay!
The ''Salaratus'' induatry has been Ell
dorsed by public meeting, and had it no
been for the interference of the Unite
States deputy marshals, | can promise you
ladies and gentlemen, that we would hav
had as fair a showing as our enterprisin
neighbors, Ogden, Butte, Helena, and Lead
vile. You can't change an old-fogied pee
pie to our notions at once, but we are get
ting there in great shape
The Presby church has bee
turned over to prize fights, while the mem
bers moved their show to the opera, but tn
ITlft n,
in smoke. That is progress upwards
the smoke direction. And had 1t not bee
for the blasted interference of THE HERAL
in publishing news in advance of the othe
papers, the Methodist church would to-da
be full fiedged variety theatre
After accomplishing all these stirring re
suits, would you deny US the care of tn
dear children! Voices, mo. no! Itwoul
be too oadl'
These cunning little buds of heaven wi
be safe in our clutches. They see us goin
into the saloons and into the churches ,
the same time without going either wa,
That trains them in the way they shoul
go-standing firm on one leg, and loose c
the other.
We have beea in Office since Februar
and during that time our administratio
has given entire satisfaction, except TO Il
HsRALp.
T"How about the Doodle changes - int
rupted a voice.
y gentle council that has been in oft
for four months and has not seen into ii
Doodle business is not up to snuff: that
all there is TO that. What are we here fo
Where do we get the money to run the.
meetings and pay the speaker $4,000
invest in Ogden clrnivals! Do you G
pect this thing to run itself! You must |
blind. we are! We arei''
but talk about schools ~
While the Mormous planted schools a
over this desert they taught religion ar
habit of industry TO their CHILDREN VIII
we want is higher headucashun that hell
Yates a man beyond the mental necessiti
and makes every man dissatisfied with b
present state. We do not want lessons
!. frugality and thrift. If man has his h
full of knowledge he never need go DIR
When you see man carrying stone "
should tell him that he ought 10 aspi
higher and be stone cutter, and VIII
, you see IA man getting along comfortably
! cutting stone tell him he ought To be a co
!, tractor, so that he can loaf half the ye
. and starve the other That is what head
, cashun of our kind of fashion does or ma
kind. 1t makes him dissatisfied with b
present state and envy and want to wc
the other fellows shoes.
We promise YOU that if we get t
schools we will work them for all they a
worth-politically aid elsewise.
WAX Works.
Just arrived, Whitaker Star Hams,