Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-11-20
WIT AND HUMOR.
o, loves a chain of wondrous might
We find as on we jog:
Twill tie up hearts exceeding tight
But will not tie the dog.

The basis of the seal controversy is
Behring fruit.-S0t Lake Times.
1t is easier to live within your in
come than it is to live without one.-
Boston Courier.
The cornerstone of philosophy-If
you can't have what you want, don't
want it.-Puc6.
A hitch is liable to arise any moment
after the suspender button drops Off
st. Joseph NetOs.
1t may be said of a man who invests
in quarry that his lot is hard one
Yonkers Statesman.
A hailstorm broke up a Plymouth
clambake party recently. The CLANS
were happy.-Pscayatfae.
Miss Gotham What kind of scent
do you prefer?n Miss Bullion-'Cent
per cent. ~. Y. Herald.
Girls should never take anv chances
with printers. They are liable to be
caught in the press. - Binghamton
Leader.
The day of promise is always at
hand. 1t is the time of fulfiIIment that
seems a long way off.-NeaO Orleans
Pcayune.
An uptown man recently left his
family and has not since been found,
although his nose turned up.-Phitadel-
phi0 Times.
When a man is convinced that he
owes anything to himself he is always
very ANXIOUS to pay it.-Binghanton
Republican.
Victim of Railroad Accident-''Doc-
tor, do you think | can recover" Doc
tor-"Certainly.n Victim eagerly
How uch?"-Racket.
A great many of our wculd-be re-
formers are like the man who stays up
all night trying to get people to go to
bed.-1erre Haute Express.
Its awfuily hard" said the Five
Dollar Bill, as he was borrowed for the
hundreth time, Ito 90 through life en-
tirely a loan. IN Y Herald.
There may be silver lining to every
cloud, but you can't see it till you get
to heaven, and you probably won't
need it then.-SonaerUilIe Journal.
Mrs. Brown-"I wonder who wrote
up this account of the Presidents car
riage?" Mrs. Malaprop-'Some hack
writer, of course. "-Harper'S Bazar.
There is only one cure for smok-
ing" said the club man. land that is
DEATH" That isn't always sure"
said the Presbyterian, Significantly
~ Y. Sun.
Manager-''Mr, Lashem, what's your
opinion of the use of the supernatural
in dramatic writing?" Critic-'I never
saw supernatural, so | can't express
an opinion. "-Ihe Jester.
Mrs. Jason-''When they tie up a
railroad they don't actually use rope,
do they?' Mr.. Jason-',No; it is gem
orally done with a string of resolu-
tons. "-Ierre Haut2 E1press
A delinquent subscriber presented a
Georgia editor with a beet weighing
twenty pounds, and the editor publicly
thanked the honor for 80 characteris-
tic gift. "-B~rIingto,a Free Press.
Susie-"Papa. isn't it murder to kill
Il hog?" Papa (who is lawyer)-
Not exactly. Murder is assaulting
with intent to kill, the her is killing
with intent to salt. "-Huper'S Bazar.
Mrs There's another bill
from Kengott. l am afraid he is get
ding uneasy" Mr.. BIobson-''Th
50. | II ust step in tomorrow and order
some more goods. "-BurIingtOn Free
Press.
Women made the most successful.
census enumerators, according to
superintendent Porter. Let us hear
no more about the inability of woman
to pop the question.-PeOria Ira,a-
script.
Don't you know, Emily, that it is
not proper for you to turn round and
look after a gentleman?" But, man.
ma, | was only looking to see if he
was looking to see if l was looking
Chatter.
IF women ever become railroaders,
| can reccomend Bridget as a brake
woman" sighed Mrs. Snaggs, as she
gazed at the latest accumulation of
broken crockery.-Pittsburg Chronicle
Telegraph.
A distant relatives: Sick man (making
his wilD-'I have no near relatives. |
have BROTHER Lawyer-''B Brother!
Isn't he near relative?" Sick man
No, sir He lives in Australia. y
Vest Shore.
Gazzam-'I see that the German
Government thinks of making North
Alsace Lorraine an independent
duchy." Maddox-''Of course, if it were
Duchy it wouldn't be so Frenchy. -
Harper's Bazar.
Say, old fellow, lend me flyer, can
you? | want to 60 to the fancy-dress
ball and | have to get up costume to
suggest a NEUROLOGICAL character"
'I'll lend it if you promise to go as To-"
-Harper's Bazar.
The vain thing: Laura-"Susan is
as vain as she can be- Bessie-''What
makes you think SOP" Laura-''The
conceited thing goes around saying that
everybody tells her she looks like me-
-Ie1as Sitti'ags.
Victim Gin BARRIERS chair)-"O, if !
only had the assistance of that razor
tomorrow" Barber-"The assistance
of this razor?n Victim-''Yes. tomor-
row I'm going TO pull in IL tug-of-war
contest at picnic. "-BoStO1a Herald.
What is that horrible noise in the
kitchen?n 1T is our new cook. She's
altogether too conscientious. Just be-
cause she has burned the roast to a
crisp she feels that bad over it she's
smashing all the crockery. Philadct-
fhia Times.
The Shoe and Leather Reporter is au-
thority for the statement that cases of
,,or1-ar,- octr.ntinr, Log 4