Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1890-04-04
mT1 OF FUN

A HEAD vpa5ber-Tbs next in a
barber shop.
NOTHING is harder to bear than
long succession of pleasant days,
sighed tine umbrella maker.
Pooh people with too many naughty
boys IN their families should send some
Of them to nautical school.
INTERVIEWER What do you regard
as the chief instrumentalitY IN convert
ing the heather? Returned Missionary
Indigestion.
A NAN said the only reason why his
dwelling was not blown away IN a late
storm was because there was q haVy
mortgage on it.
DOCTOR feeling the patients pulse
Una, unn, 1 think I shall have to bleed
you. Patient feebly)-Can't you wait,
Doctor, till you send in your bill?
NEVER be critical upon the ladies'
The only way IN the world that a true
gentleman ever viii attempt to look at
the faults of a pretty woman IL to shut
his eyes.
TELL woman that she looks fresh
and she viii smile all over. Tell man
the same thing, and if he doesn't kick
you it is either because he has cOrns or
danes not.
LoyER-Don't withhold your consent
on account of nay income, sir. 1 can
support your daughter on S25 a week.
Pater-Hhen you are a Jim dandy. 1
never could.
Mrs. SKINNPHLTNT- Jeremiah, that's
an awful cold you've got. Mr.. Skim
phlint (crossly)-YOu needn't make any
fuss about it, Jane. 1t didn't cost me
a cent to get tit.
SHE Cat the mint)-Ah, now [ know,
Harry, why I think you are good as
gold. He-Oh, get out She-No;
but you are, really. You are pressed
for money, you know.
CUSTOMER Ito bartender) - That's
the poorest whisky [ ever tasted. Taint
fit to drink. Bartender Sorry, sir, it's
the best we've got. Customer That
so? Well, give me a little more Of it.
RETRIBUTIoN ON THE RAIL.
Little Tommy McVail,
AS he rode on the rail,
Yelled for his mother to open the Winder.
Fate marked him for that,
For out blew his hat
And into his eye blew cinder.
WHEN Mrs. Smaller read a news
item stating that ga man in New York
threw his wife from an upper window
in a family jar" she looked surprised,
and wondered if the man knew his
wife was In the jar at the time"
Mrs. DE SENSE Ito benevolent friend3
Il presume these idiot asylums do
some good, but I can't see how they can
hope to make idiots self-supporting
Small Son (glOomiIy) II guess they set
'em to writin' children's books.
"LoOK here" said the credit man,
eve can't sell you those goods on four
months time" "Vy not? I gives you
my note" But do your notes sell on
the street ?" "NIine gracious! no, or I
would go home and make notes instead
of clOding."
EMPLOYER - William, Mrs. Sprig-
gins complains that she received only
one of all the bundles she had put up
here last night" William-"That's
funny, sir. wrote Mrs. Spriggins on
one bundle and put ditto on each of
the others"
Mr.. SUNDRIEs Ito his youngest
NOOnah, darling, what makes you the
sweetest baby in the whole wide world?
NoOnah-I deth, papa, that when God
made me he mutht have put thOme
thugah in the thand that I wath
made Of.
UNFORTUNATELY wOrded: Fender
son (arguing in defense of LIS favOrite
theory that personal beauty is not
woman's chief attraction u contend
that beauty has nothing to do with
young wOman's chances of getting
husband. I'll leave it to any married
woman in the room If it is not SO.