Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1890-01-29
[For the SPEcTAToR.l
A Noxu GahQ"p


After waiting long for a favora BILE season. l
now offer to the public a magnificent scheme
matured by me some years ago. The present
times are favorable.I say emphaticaily. Farm
ing don't pay. Men are tired of work, and
women. too All are snxiously looking out
for some short cut to affluence. Our forefath'
ers-poor old people! plodded along and spent
their lives In hard toll. We are smarter-ai
least am.
Not to detain an impatient public longer,
| announce my scheme. 1t is called 1.-THE Won
de,JtG Way of Winning Wealth Without Work.
Here 1t is Look at 1t. and let your eyes spar
kle and your mouth water. Minimum capital
$50. 100000. divided into 100000 shares Of sl0t
each, deposit only 50 per share.
might subscribe for all the stock myself,bui
possessing spirit of true philanthropy, in
vite others to share with me the pro fits OF the
concern Upon my personal responsibility. 1
CT arantee dividends of a. least one hundred PEI
centum per onnua,. What the stock will be
worth in the course of few months, there is
no telling.
AS the public may wish to know the plan
and scope of the enterprise. will give few
hints-only few. One feature of the scheme
is to erect a magnificent hotel on Elliot Knob
to be called "Hotel Elliot's Knob." big enough
to hold thousands or guests, and grand enough
to attract people from all parts of the country.
Another feature which has caused me much
thought to mature, but which is now happily
accomplished, is a means to protect masters
and mistresses against dishonest servsnts. This
is an eminently seasonahe feature. House.
keepers who avail themselves of it n ay 90 to
sleep with the comfortable assurance that
their pantries will not be invaded, and that
every grain OF coffee given out for toasting
will be duly accounted for.
I But not to be too local-"No pent up Uti-
ca contracts our powers"-we shall buy up the
Dismal Swamp and convert it into a great
truck patch. Think it, Strawberries all the
year round And in addition, we propose to in
troduce ice from the Attic regions This will
be good news, the recent detection of the
Gulf Stream has so modified our climate that
there is no prospect of another freeze. and
Taunehilps factory can't possibly supply tue
demand. We shall, therefore, have no more
worry about ice bills, and after all go without
the article during the sweltering months OF
summer. 1 promise that every stakeholder
shall be 'cool as a cucumber before summer is
nalf over. Further, not to slight the torrid
zone, part of our scheme is 70 introduce wa
ter into the Dry Tortugas, converting that
|
oranges aud pinea pples. not to speak Of ba
nanss, will be as abundant and cheap every
where as Irish potatoes Genius. however.
scorns to be confined to this mundane sphere !;
1t scars to the stars. We shall. therefore. util-
ize the heretofore wasted products of the Milky
Way, and establish a creamery for supplying
the world with butter. After that the axle
trees of the earth and the tongues of members
of Congress will not go without fabrication.
These sre only small part of the enterprise.
The browning feat ure, which is worth more
than all the others put together, is profound
secret and cannot be divulsed. An app ecia-
tive public may rest assured that it Is grand,
gloomy and peculiar"
Books of subscription Will be op ened at the
office of the company. in Crooked Row. No.
1911 at o'clock a. H., precisely. To facilitate
business subscribers wilt be adm tie d in the
following order 1st Patients of the Lunatic
Asylum. Credentials not required.as all of this
class will be readily recognized. ID. Widows
and orphans How my heart earns over these
unfortunate classes. 3D. Washer W omen, sew
ing women, and female teachers in pu bile
schools. 4th. Confederate soldiers. Let US
cherish these heroes, 9Th. Married women.
Here's a chance for you to become independ
ent Of stingy husbands. 9Th. Capitalists and
business men generally, If any stock be left.
Only "live men" need apply.
So bring along your So share. and live
without work the remainder of your days
Books open one day only. as 1 shall have to
leave the following night on an ex cursion for
Canada.
am told that an old fogy, named Solomon,
who lived some years ago. gave expression to
certain sentiments which, If anybody remem.
bers and Deeds them may have a. discouraging
effect. Such things only show that "They
didn't know every thing down in Judea-" re-
fer to what Solomon is reported to have said,
merely to warn credulous people az ainst him
DIR. SA NGRADo.
N.B.-I continue TO practice my profession
on the old system. hi sedipg 'em till they recov-
err their senses or die.