davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
HUMOROUS.

The trustees of the University of New York have decided to establish a school of tdagogy on an equal footing with its department of law, medicine and theology
 Mrs. Brown-''You told me that if I left my t2blecloth out all night the fruit stains would disappear. We'll, I put it out last night" Mrs. Jones-"Of course the stains were gone in the morning?' Mrs. Brown-"Yes, so was the tablecloth."
 -''Is that a Landseer, MT. Cresus2" asked the visitor, pausing before the painting. No" replied the host; "Reckon it is a Durham. See how broad it is between the horns, and see That's a genuine Durham, sure. "- Salem Gazette.
 They had chicken for dinner, and the host said to the guest: "Dldn't hear you say that you liked the neck of the chicken best?" The visitor who liked the neck with some of the rest, said: "Yes" Well, you shal1 have DOUu Ol IHcS6 ueChS. duu Iudb WdS all he got.-Christian Advocate.
 Life in the West.-First cowboy Qost on the prairie) )z-7''Great Injunsi Win we never find our way out of this? Where do you suppose we are, anyhow" Second cowboy (despondently)-,Fm efraid we're still miles away from any human habitation. 1 see stake here and sign, Lots for Sale "-N. '. Weekly.
 -Census-Taker tin Texas) A-''Yes. I've got the name down all right, How many children have you?7 Native ''Sev-let me see" (To Nance, is it seven or nine?" Wife-"Eight, O course" Native Gndifferently)-"So it is, Eight" Proudly)-"And I've got eleven of the slickest, purtiest, scrumptiousest hunting dogs, by gum, that ever treed a coonp'-Chicago Trib- une.
 -Alonzo-''What are you getting that alarm clock for, Augustus?" Augustus-"T wake me up in the morning, Don't you have any difficulty in getting up in the morning?' Alonzo Not bit" Augustus-''You must have an alarm clock then?" Alonzo- No. Fact is that the young man next door wears such loud clothes that when he dresses himself in the morning l can't sleep.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
4 UnIque Advertisement.

A Connecticut Granger, under the Farm for Sale" head, makes the fol- lowing lively announcement in Water bury exchange: 'I would like S20,000 for my farm at Oakville, but will take one-half that sum if I can get it Twill sell it for a song, but don't try and sing too near the premises, as there is a cross-eyed dog on the place who is no judge of music. Go and look for the dog and you will see the farm, even if you don't find the dog. bought it (the place. not the dog) for my wife's rela- tions; it was mistake; l should have bought only the dog. was told when I purchased the farm that l could sell in Waterbury all that was raised on the premises. Now, if I could only sell in our blessed city but one-half the mis- chief that has been raised there since l bought it all the good Republicans in this town would be leaving Waterbury before night. If you don't want the farm l will lend you the dog should you need him."
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
STRANGE PASSENGERS.
Rescue of Dog and Pig from s Wreck
 in Mid Ocean.

Away off on the horizon strange looking vessel was discovered by the lookout on the steamship, Both boats were in mid-ocean. As the steamer ap- preached the strange-looking craft, the lookout reported that part of her spars were gone, and most of her rigging, The steamship came nearer and nearer, all on board looking anxiously for some sign of the crew, but could discover none, though signals of distress were flying. At last the steamer stopped, small boat was lowered and put off for the wreck. As the men drew near there was heard the frantic barking of dog, and moans that resembled the voice of human being. The little boat drew nearer, and finally came alongside, but it was almost dark. The sailors climbed mp the sides of the ship and found lit tie dog running about so wildly that they krew at once he was mad. Still the moans could be heard. The men lighted the lanterns and started to find the human being in distress. The sounds came from the forward part of the yes- sel, and grew more and more pitiful. At last the lights flashed on little white pig lying in neat little pen. The pig looked up at his rescuers, as one of the men said, with an expression that seemed to say: He thought it was long time between meals" One of the sailors took the little pig in his arms back to the steamship, but before the men left they shot the poor little dog who had gone mad. At daylight the next day the wrecked vessel was in- spected, and it was decided that her crew had been taken off by some other vessel. 1t was considered dangerous to leave the wreck afoat, and the captain of the steamship poured oil over the vessel and set it on fire. He stayed by until the charred hulk sank, and then started for New York with his queer little passenger, who, it is evident, will be allowed to live till old age, so fond have the crew grown of him.-Chris- tian Union
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
FRENCH BILLS OF FARE.
An Irate Citizen Tells the Editor Why
 They Must Go.

They Must Go.
 'I'm plain North American citizen, and I've got North American fit of mad on mel he announced. as he burst through the door and stood ill the cen ter of the room, waving newspaper clipping in his hand
 The editor looked up.
 My grievance is this: When the Pres ident of the United States gives din- ner to his Cabinet l want him to feed them North American dishes, and :! want the names of those dishes printed on the bill of fare in plain North Amer ican words. Is that unreasonable?"
 Not at all"
 ''Of course not. When the President of France gives dinner does he write the bill of fare in the United States language? l trow not
 The editor also trowed not.
 Here is list of the dishes fed by the President to his Secretaries and other people. On it l see such things as 'P0tage.' &PoiSson,' 'Pommes Duchesse, , 'H0rs Gisucre, 'Filet de b9uf Q "a .jar- diniere, and others which 1 can't pro- HOuHCc. -NON, ouDiulI, ouCoc pdupOl dishes of effete Europe have no business competing with the infant food industry Of the United States"
 The editor submitted, too. He was helpless.
 'There ought to be prohibitive tariff on French words imported to this country for use on bills of fare, and thus crowding out our own toothsome and juicy orthographical combinations,
 ''This patriotic movement should be- gin in the White House. The Presi dent of these great and glorious States, my dear sir, when he gives dinner, should give us North American dishes that North Americans can understand; something like these: Cabbage soup, Cincinnati style;' Roast Ribs of Beef, Chicago style;' Spare Ribs, Kansas City style;' 'Scrapple, Philadelphia style
 II do not pretend to exhaust the pe- culiar American dishes, sir, in this brief enum eration, but merely indicate the reform 1 wish to institute. The food products of this country afford an end less variety of vegetable and animal food; and the names by which they are known are as appetizing as the articles themselves. To you, my dear sir, be- longs the duty of promulgating these views editorially in your valuable and influential sheet. Good morning!"
 And the editor promulgated.-Will jam H. Siviter, in Puck.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
A REPULSlVE PRACTICE.
Enraged Chinamen Dispose of Tax-COl-
 lectors by Biting Them to Death.

Enraged Chinamen Dispose of Tax-COl-
 lectors by Biting Them to Death.
 The floods of last fall, which serious ly injured the rice crop in this section in some places causing a total loss have been followed by considerable dis tress this winter. In some sections food was very scarce and relief is being brought in from the outside Serious trouble has probably been avoided by the remission of the grain tax. Before the decree of the Emperor announcing this remission was received the efforts of the officials to collect the tax had re- suited in serious riots. In town about fifteen miles south of Suchow, the house of leading official was footed by mob of angry farmers because he had at- tempted to collect the annual tax. Fortunately for him he was away from home on the night of the mOb's visit, or he would probably have fared very bad- ly. At another place yet nearer our city it was reported that the tax-col- lector sent out from Suchow had been met by a mob and nearly bitten to death, while his boat had been sunk The report proved false, but was be- lieved for many days. This is a favorite method with this people of disposing of unpopular rulers - they literally bite them to death. It is horrid crime to raise weapon of any kind against magistrate, and, moreover, it is crime that can easily be detected and the criminal punished. Both the crime and detection are avoided by simply gnaw- ing the magistrate to death. don't think that biting an official violates any section of the code, and, while biting to death is no doubt crime, yet it would be very hard to detect the man who gave the fatal bite. However the prac- tice originated, it is certainly both cruel and repulsive. - Suchow China Cor. Atlanta Constitution.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

5--a S

the ShrlmpS on Uvr, tll mayonnaise dressing. Garnish with lettuce
 Goldfish Salad-Cut a quarter of a pound of salt codfish in pieces, three inches square; split them and put to soak over night: next dry them, broil and haste with butter. Take up, let cool, tear the pieces apart, lay on a dish over crisp lettuce leaves, and pour dver plain salad dressing. Garnish with hard-boiled eggs and sliced lemon.
 Crab Salad-Prepare a pint of crab meat; put it in a salad bowl. arrange about it spiced oysters and add little chopped celery; pour over rimoulade sauce. =
 Crayfsh Salad-Wash two dozen cray fish and boil them in salt water for fif- teen minutes; pick them out of their shells; remove the entrail in the center of the tail. Put two heads of lettuce in a salad bowl. add the crayfish; pour over mayonnaise dressing. Garnish with hard boiled eggs.
 Lobster Salad-Plunge two Holsters in boiling water and let cook half an hour; take the center of six heads of lettuce and three hard boiled eggs; break off the shells of the Holsters, take out the flesh and cut in small pieces; put salad in bowl and season with salt, pepper, oil and vinegar; wash the lettuce, tear in pieces, mix with the lobster and GOV ST with mayonnaise dressing.
 Salmon Salad-Take a pound of fresh salmon tor canned) and boil; break in flakes; put in salad bowl, with salt, pepper and vinegar. and very little oil; let stand one hour: put crisp lettuce in large bowl add the salmon, pour over may onnaise dressing: garnish with hard boiled eggs and celery.
 Herring Salad-Put into salad bowl the crisp leaves of head of lettuce; re- move the skin and bone from two smoked herrings; shred them fine and add on the lettuce; pour over the salad a plain dressing and garnish with hard boiled eggs. ~.
 Fresh Fish Salad-Take two pounds of cold boiled or baked fish, take of the skins, pick out the bones and mince; slice six potatoes, cut fine pint of cab bage, add the potatoes, then the fish; chop one small onion and two small cucumber pickles; mix all together and pour over mayonnaise dressing. Louis vile Courier-J ournal. ,r
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
4 SHoP-GlRL's PROTEST.
She Doesn't Want the Sympathy Of Mk
 guided Philsnthropists.

She Doesn't Want the Sympathy Of Mks-
 guided Phnsnthropists.
 The Chicago Tribune recently re- received the following from . retail house on State street:
 ''I want to protest against this twaddle about the poor shop-girl. I have heard it rung in my ears for weeks, day and night. And from people who know nothing about our business and really care less. am tired of being pointed out as weary shop-girl. am tired of being asked the question by people whom I never saw before and probably will never see again until l run up against them in the next world, and then 1 shall expect them to say to me: You poor, tired thing. You look too weary to twang your harp
 "Let me tell these sympathetic creatures something. We do get tired So do the bank clerks, and I suppose there is such thing as newspaper men tiring. But they are never singled out ss we gre as objects of sympathy. You may think l am ungrateful. I am not. I don't want any so-ealled sympathy from strangers, Besides, would like to inform the sympathizers that the average shop-girl of to-day is better of for being such. She is well treated by her employer. Of course she has to work. She is not employed ss a picture. I know one manager in Chi cago who never allows girl in search of work to leave his place without one day's pay in her pocket. If she is worthy she may be retained. During the crowded season just passed know of many shop-girls who were not only given extra pay and furnished with lunches and dinners, but given valuable presents, and their home people were. in some instances, remembered by man. sgers ard employers. Many did not re- ceive such consideration, and have no doubt that in majority of such cases they did not receive it because they did not merit 1t. If the shop-girl attends to her business she will get along all right and won't need so much sympathy"
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
Probate Notice

In the matter of the applicant
 aunilhistratlon upon the estate |.
 Gehman. supposed decedrnt.
 In the Orphans Court. Monteo me i, Penr syivlnia.
 Whereas an application for lerters | Istratlon upon ihe estate of Henry l. lately resident Of the townsbin of F1 now Sklf pack in the county of NoI and State Of Ferns, lvanin. who is hav' been absent and unhes.r,l ol years and upwards and supposed to | was pre- eDtcd by niamin l.. G~hr | SeFh w. Hum. r, Esq. Register ctI said county Of Montgomery. on th4 z May, IS..o. aLd by the sai,i Register q : the 2Sth day of May. Iaeo. 10 th,. Court of said county, and on the J June, lSe ,. filed in open Orphans Co, upon the said C urI entered a decree anre "ith tie aet of Assembly of fun,
 therefore, iF Pursuai ce of ihe deer Cont therein made. all parties ir ters.} estate of Henry L. Gebman the SUD e ni. are hereby no'ified to be and the Court House m Norristown Mo. county rennsylyani., on the first ds, tember Is9 :. al To clock q. m.. V wh' re u.c rpiians Court oi he ssid Montgomery P nusyivania, will hear eoncefnips ,ht alleeet absence of Henry l.. Gehman. the supposed decer the cir unisisncrs and duration the "ili m'-ke sucI. orders therein as in, Assembly are mafe and provided
 
 7-I2 Clerk of Orphans
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
WANT-. -. -
HOW 2 hhtK
 Me The truste ness of thu Deacon Sm


 Deacon Sm
 New York
 legislating for one of South Norr--, most prosperous churches. Two Of the members had late business engagements in the city, and Deacon Smiths shop on the main street, near the station, had been chosen for the meeting this month for the sake of convenience. The deacon was well under way when the outer door was seen to open slightly, and he paused to note the cause of the Interruption.
 Connecticut Is famed for the extensive variety of it's tramps, and one of the most ointeresting type now appeared. His entrance into the room was made in . thoroughly original manner. When the door was sufficiently ajar to admit of his head it popped in on the aston ished descons, surmounted by 6 most dilapidated hat and complemented by a smiling face and full, ragged beard. When he became assured that no tan gible obstacle was on it's way to meet him he opened the door wide. and, with another glance of satisfaction on the benevolent faces that surrounded him, he softly closed the door behind him and stepped jauntily forward. with :kf k685 i1 hand. His hair dun9 dsNn oSeEhss face in rakish way, @ with e Rreaefql sweep of his long I'm 6e c&uRhf up . wad of it in his hand i1k11 7k<d 3t fISck from his forehead. He had on . long freck coat fastened close ly around his waist by 6 thorn, and from the flowing flap above oozed out the ends Of . much-soiled handkerchief, His closely-fitting trousers, through numer- ous portals of which protruded his in teresting self, seemed to run without any dividing line into the shoe and boot which respectively incased his feet.
 The deacons had time to note these psculiarities before the stranger broke the silence. His voice seemed to em- snsre from that particular booE and emerged with 8 most pronounced French accent, which will here be omitted.
 "Gentlemen," he began, "your pardon fer disturbing you. but l am very sick" "
 He paused after this announcement tc note the effect. -.sssssSssss
 T went to the doctor" he soon con tinued, ''and he gave me the pills-see, the pills" and he held up to view : small bottle which he had in the palm of his hand
 He said take the pills, three after each meal, and would like very much 10 have some assistance"
 i'Well. why in thunder don't you take ing here!" interposed deacon who xas becoming tired.
 "Gentlemen," replied the tramp, with much unction, ''I can not take the pills: l have no meal"
 He got that meal.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
4 Numerous Family.

There are some good-sized families in Maine to-day, but probably none 80 large as one mentioned in the histories of old colonial days. It is told on the authority of Cotton Mather that the first royal Governor of Boston was one of family of tweEty-six children, and was born in the woods of Maine near the mouth of the Kennebec in 1851. His mother was left 6 widow when he was 6 child, and is said to have had all she could do to provide for the wants of her family. It is hoped that when the Gov ernor got s100, 900, knighthood and 6 goblet valued at &, 900 as reward for finding Spanish treasure-ship that had gone to the bottom half century before. he remembered his mother and made her last days easier than her earlier ones had been.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
Internal Ingenuity.

Could scarcely devise more excruciating tortnres than those of which you see he evidences Tn the face of rheumatic or neuralgIc sufferer The agonies are the consequence Of not checking rheum- atic or neuralgia attack al the outset. H"stetter's Stomach Bitters has been lonnd ny skillfaI medical practtion4rs to possess not only remedial, but de fenslve efhcacy. where those diseases 'XlSts, or T tcndenCl to them Is exhIi.ited oure'Y this puiss.;.. but ,afe botanic '"en'f'ne bearing, ton, such high specific sanction, IS better than he polsons often 'mployed, bui most unsafe, not only in continnaace, bul III isolated doses. The blood IS depuraicd thoroughly from the rheumatic virus, and tHe n tves. sIirhtl, Impursed uppr, save, from nj. inate and dIretul lhroes by this benign. say no medicine, which likewise exhibit, marked efficacy for malan., kdney coaplaint., dyspepsia, constipation ana liver rom- plaint
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
4 Curious Calculation.

Justice. London paper, has been giving the results of some curious calculations, which, if correct, will make 6 fellow little cautious about guessing on the size of 6 crowd and offering to bet his last dollar that he is right. According to the calculator on the staff of Justice, all the people in the world, about 1,4OO, 1000, 900, could stand in field ten miles square, and, by the aid of telephones, could be addressed by [ single speaker
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
.urStS.

Wheth' ua pleasure bent or business
 honld take ca every trip bottlt of Syrup oi Fig, as it ac.s most pleasantly and ef:eciuaily n the kidney ,, liv,r nd
 '1wels, preventing levers, headaches ar d other forms of sickness For Sale in soc md SI.oo ro,ti=sb by all leading druggists.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
PILES! PILES! ITCHING PILES

SYMPTOMS. Moisture; intense itching and stinging; most at night; worse by scratching. If allowed to continue tumors form, which often bleed and ulcerate, becoming very sore. SwAYNE's OINTMENT stops the itching and bleeding. heals alteration, and in most cases removes ,he ,umois. At druggists, or by mail. for sa 0sns Dr Swayne < Sen. Philadelphia.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

Strangers who are visitors to our city should go to the Maison Dore res taurant II they want to he healthy and happy. Anything cooked to order on snort notice and the tables are supplied with the best the market affords.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

The Can Can is keeping up it's ex- cellent reputation for Sunday dinners and tomorrow will be no exception to the r'Ie. All kinds of dainty dishes and excellent coffee Visitors are snre of a warm welcome.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

WANTED.-Agents for the Economy Fuel Burner. Cheap and best of the kind the market. Address P. O. Box 5S3 Omaha, Neb.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
How to Cure All Skin Diseases.

Simply apply "oWAYNE'S OINTMENT. No internal medicine required. Cures letter, ec- zema, itch, all eruptions on the face. hands, nose, etc. leaving the skin clear. white and healthy. Its gr at healing and curative powers are possessed by no other remedy. Ask your druggist for SwAYNE's OINTMENT. 2I5 6m
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
BLANKS

Location nOtfccs, TNsttces' 6lanks, a6- 6iica6Le 10 the ne7V Code, n1fning 6OuaS and deeds, and 4H 6lanks eOnlnOnLy I" HSe, J0r SGls Gt EkiS office.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

There is a plan to found scholar ship bearing the name of the late Dean Rachel Bodley, of Philadelphia. in Ram abai's Hindu School
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
Advice to Mothers.

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup has been used by mothers for children teeth ing for over hlty years with perfect suc- cess. IL relieves the little sufferer at once, produces nltural, quiet sleep by freeing the child from pain, and the lit Ele chemb awakes as bright as buttoa." " Il is very pieasans iol taste. sootiles the 5 liens th< gins. aIlsys pain| rs rs< 9ie4ss wind feediat6s tiss towels; ai1d if sbx l5ss lsaxn ltsedy 5u ajauks whether arising tFoni tsething of etheF causes. Twenty-Five cents a bottle.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

The Can Can restaurant has the finest varieties of ish frssk every day.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
Our Artist.

Thomas Delaney will enlarge pho tographs, do sketches and sign paint ing at reasonable rates. Leave orders at the DAILY EPITAPH off ce.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

Mir. Hoefiet has received a lot of ths seed of the sparsette-saiGfoin, forage plant that IS attracting a great deal oi
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

Fresh buttermiIk at the Can Can.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
SALESMEN WANTED

ESmaIl line of samples from mlnufact- uring corporation offered e live man One traveller earned an average of S35o per month TOT six years past. Q. Bos I3t?NeW Y""R.
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02
Now is The Time to Subscribe
 TO THE - NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW.

Arrangements have been made for the com ing year which will maintain for the Review its unrivalled position among periodicals, and ren- der il essential to every reader m America who desires to keep abreast of the times. From month to month topics of commanding interest in every field of human thought and action will be treated of in its pages by representative writers. whose words and names carry authority s,.j;f,ithefa ss.s5ssrslz tttFs
 Inc fosshco,niDg volume silI De signalized by ssI sss3 g |'5 z sI's sgh sIme en6iis noi.bIy iR, l1v d cDr<res skssy ia Free 1r43s and Protection |E sl.eIr },sss;a 2 oponl 1< deseloplpent oi Amer ;t4f 1<z)as.ry aze 1zIsacfoe. between the two lIoss Izsle's iis;ns spaen of England and
Tombstone epitaph., 1890-08-02

< .dition of fAe' 2 F Y E t he with .dr rass
 = < # 4. # holagogues,
 1 ,aore.ete eets' E - # ! E he orgsI|| 4 renewal of ulgestion .afe ,thes nosle*: