Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-06-09


1t is a sad fate that ties the self-made
man to the tailor-made girl.
There are some men to whom a loss of
their reputation means mighty good luck.
If you have any remarks to make about
the mule, 1T is safer to say them to his
face.
Though some of our colleges are very
old they are still in possession of their
faculties.
1t is wrong to lie. That is why all the
laudatory tombstones in the graveyard
stand upright.
Nature has wisely arranged matters so
that a man can neither pat his own back
nor kick himself.
The time is approaching when you'll
need your lawn mower more and more as
the season advances.
1t is the same with man as it is with a
house; you will find all sorts of useless
things in the upper story.
Native teacher (to African convert)-
How do you like your missionary? Con-
vert-Baked!
How long was Bearson's speech?"
81 don't know, 1 didn't have any gas me-
ter with me"
Plenty of sleep is conducive to beauty.
Even garment looks worn when it loses
it's nap.
Poets must suffer before they can
write" says philosopher. After that it
is other people who suffer.
Squimps-How's the new baby? Jen-
kins-How Is he?-He's bowling success,
and don't you forget it!
Clergymen may not amount to much as
carpenters, but they make the best join
ers in the world.
Evangeline - How pale the moon is.
Louis-Yes, love; it has been up until
quite late for several nights.
1t is hard to say which is the most help
less, the little baby or the great big man
when he is asked to hold it.
Before they were married nothing was
ried nothing was too good for him.
If you are troubled with weak eyes
never sift ashes when the wind blows.
It's better to let your wife do it.
The cat has nine lives, which shows
that Nature had pretty fair idea of what
the cat would have to go through.
It's only natural that Africans should
be cannibals. Why? Ham is supposed to
have gone to Africa, and, well, everybody
eats Ham.
Dangerous. l assure you, doctor, my
husband has just had pretty fair idea.
And yet expressly warned him against
over-exertion.
What is your married daughters name?
1 am not certain. She lives in Chicago,
you know, and haven't heard from her
since Monday.
John was a great smoker when he was
alive" said the widow, who was in
mood, "And," she added,
''maybe he is yet"
When everything appears unusually
fresh, we say the season is forward; and,
when person is unusually forward, we
say he is too fresh.
He (sorrowfully)-You say that your
this sudden catastrophe? She (senten-
failure.
Woman-You're the first tramp I've
seen about here this spring. Tramp
Yes, ma'am; 1 always was noted for my
enterprise and push.
The worst case of bagging trousers we
ever heard of was that of tramp who
hooked eleven sheets from New Hamp-
shire scare-crows in one night.
He-TO live by your side, mein Frau
lein, L forsake everything honor.
titles, fOrtune,- She Gnnocently) -
Then, pray, what is there left for me-
Il see that the chewing-gum habit is
spreading" 81 should judge so. L found
a big hunk attached to my coat when
rose from my seat in the car yesterday
The man who knows how to run a pa
per to everybody's satisfaction was, un-
one of those unlucky indi-
yiduals who missed getting aboard the
ark.
Kansas editor has been granted u
pension of S72 a month for indigestion.
He will recover from his Indigestion now
he has the means of buying something to
digest.
A young man who recently committed
suicide ia New Orleans, left letter stat
Ing that lac lost all his money buying
Louisiana lottery tickets. lie appears To
b ave been a 'bIank" fool.
Prison Visitor-You seem an honest
fellow and / 1eel an interest in you.
could anything be done to make you more
comfortable? Conyict-You bet Visitor
WHAT Conyict-Lemme outl