davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
PHILOSOPHER DUNDER.
Some of His WiTo Sayings Worked Cvo
7nt

Some of His Wiso Sayings Worked Cvor
Into German.
1t Vhas no fun to kick q nan whovhas
too meek to resent it, und it vhas no uso
to argue NIT Il man who vhas too deaf
to hear you.
Eaten if wo hat n bird in our handt,
we vhas always looking for some more
in der bushes. Human nature yhas
ncfor quite satisfied.
When | comes homo at midnight und
my vito says notings, den | know dat
she vhas campcd OH my trail und Will
mako mo tired. Wien she jaws und
blows und cries, don knows sho vhas
soon oafor it und doan care.
While l dctest selfish people, hab
discovered dat what pleascs me der most
is also very satisfactory to the major
ity OF tho pooblc
My nabur on thc left hand believes
dot shildren should be brought oop by
moral suasion Der ono on my right be-
liefs dot ono licking vhas better ash five
suasions. Each vhas sooch firm be-
liever dot it lets my boy oudtaltogcthcr
und he has his own vhay
1t Wasn't der man in der grocery so
mooch as der people who trade nit him
dot vhas responsible. All OF us know
What he will say TO us when we ask him
II dot box holds quart of strawberries.
1t vhas purity good advice dot you
doan' bet OH somebody clsc's game, but
1t vhas better advice dot you doan' bet
Mt all.
doan know how oldt dis worljt vhas,
nor how long it took to make it. but /
belief my health vhas better dan as if 1
sit oop nights to wonder about her.
Sometimes | meet II man who argues
nit mo dot der Democratic candidate
vhas der best. Sometimes meet q man
who offers to bet mo fecfty dollar dot
der Republican vh;H der best 1t vhas
dot vhay in politics-you vhas either
out-aryucd or bluffed.
Women must be averaged up der same
as man. Nature made her to weep over
her husbands grave ono spring, und
take on second by der next mitout any
weeping. Dot vhas all right. When n
man vhas dead he Was no good to any
body.
1t seems TO mo, if | should set oudt to
educate Il boy for State prison und der
gallows, der first shtep l should take
would be to ridicule the Bible und laugh
at der idea of God
can keep hens und feel all right to-
wards my noighhors, but il is strange
lot When my ncighbors keep hensI vh:s
mad AT EN- all der timc.-Detroit Free
Press
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS.
An Ohio Solomon Proves the Fact to an
Obstinate Prisoner.

An Ohio Solomon Proves the Fact to an
Obstinate Prisoner.
Whilo at the post-Ollce in an Ohio
village heard the report that MUIR
dcrer had been canturcd, and so ! fol-
lowed the crowd to the locll-un TO Learn
more about it. There found Il prison
ar whose every appearance proved the
professional tramp. He Was about forty
years of age. very cool, and he greeted
the charge of murder with "A laugh. In
Il short time he was taken before a ius-
tlcc OF the peace for examination, and |
found scat in the crowd. One look at
the justice satisfied me that he realized
tho awful gravity OF the situation and
felt the foundation stone of the
United States resting on his broad
back.
prisoner" he began, don't triHo
with this court, for it won't be al
lowed
who's going to trlnc?1 was the ans
wcr.
Don't you do it, sir-dont YOU do
it! Now, then, do you want TO con
fcss?"
TO WHAT"
"Cold-bloodcd murdcr."
"Whcre:''
'ln Cleveland"
''Whcn?"
Last night at eight o'clock,
"IIumph. How far is it 10 Cleveland,
Squirc?"
Ninety miles
And slcptall night in a barn back
here three miles"
That's SO. Judge" said Il farmer in
the crowd. '!Ic came along at nine
o'clock last highland lethi in there.
You are auro?'
''Positivc.'
And you won't confcss?" he asked o!
the prisoner.
"IIow can being as have done moth
ing?"
Ivory we'll: such obstiaacy deserves
punishment. and sentence you to The
county jail for ninety days"
what for?''
'',ro prove TO you that Justice never
sleeps, sir-ncvcr. You may think she
do, but she Gon't-sho don't. sir. You
have boon ovcrtakcn at last, sr-at last,
sir; and the constable will take charge
of the prisoner, and court is I'D iourncd"
N. y. Sun.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
TIE ARTISTS REVENGE.
flow IIo Got Evcn with Those Who
Mntle Llclt OF Ills CnIllnc.

flow Ilc Got Evcn with Those Who
Made Light or Ills Calling.
Cap'n Lovcridgo quilting up his horse)
WHAT'S he doin' there, Martin?
Ilimball's Hired Man-Makin' paint
in; that's hand-paintin' you're doin'
there, amt it, mister?
Bromficld. a. n. A. (who is finishing
study for his next exhibition picture,
"Waniug Summcr")-Ycp.
Kimball's Hired Man-IIo says it's
hand-paintin' he's dom.
Liddy Ann Kimball-Gucss he's
maxim it for one O. them picture papers,
amt you, mister?
Bromiicld, A. n. A.-Nop.
Abs'lom Kimball-You might know it
amt for no picture paper; they don't
have pictures Of nothin' but fires an az
cidcnts, an houses falln' down.
Liddy Ann Kimhall-May he it's for
ono o them funny papers, thcn-loolls
kind o funny, don'tit?
Cap'n Lovcridgc-Tcll him if he wants
to put me in, with my ole boss N buggy,
I'll let him dow it chcap-ho, no, no!
Kimball's Hired Man-Mebbo he's
goin' to put us all in-haw, haw, haw!
Liddy Ann Kimball-IIc's dom off
that piece O. stono wall now-do you
have to git in every one % the stones,
mister?
Tromfeld, A. n. A.-Nop.
Abs'lom Kimball = Hos got moro'n
forty different kinds O colors in that
there box. l wisht--
Kimballs Hired Man-Kccp yer hands
out O. them paints, Abs'lom-prob'ly he
don't want we to tech 'em.
Abs'lom Kimball-Can't We give mo
somo O. that yaller you're squeezin' out,
mister? Iwant to paint my stills with it.
:, Bromfield, A. n. A. = Can't spare any.
Kimball's Hired NIan-Lijcr Wright
went up to the city few years ago to
learn the kcrridge-paintin' trade-makes
purity good wages at it, ben told. He
comes down here once in awhile to see
his folks, all dressed up. Ever ben in
PRODUCED to him, mister?
Bromfeld, A. n. Al never happened
to meet him.
Liddy Ann Kimball-If you want to
put in our cows, mister, I'll go up yen
der N drive 'em down. One of ems a
hookin'c Cow; but we won't let her git
near you.
Bromfield, A. n. A.-Much obliged;
but I'm afraid shan't have time to put
them in.
Abs'lom Kimball-If had that there
umbrell' Id walk right past the meetin'
house next sSunday, holdin' i. up over
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
a Woman OF Sense.

Now, John" said Mrs. Olyum to her
husband. you must remember that
there is good deal for us to accomplish
yot. Wo can't sit down and fold our
hands. More refinement is what we
want. I'm great advocate of refine
ment."
THAT shows ye've got scnsc,' said
Mr.. Olyum, looking over the top of tho
paper. "l'vc Jest contracted for now
refinery that'll pcrvide for all tho crude
material our wclls'll turn out. "-Was!l.
ington Post.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04

my head jest when the folks was comm
out o church. Gosh! wouldn't it be finn?
Kimballs Hired Mani wouldn't like
nothin' better than scttin' down all day,
daubin' of pictcrs like that. It's what
ye might call soft job, aintit, Capn?
Cap'n Lovcridgc-I call it a purity lazy,
shif'icss kind o. job fer strappin',
healthy man. III my boy Bill ever
showed any signs Of tallin' to scch
trade as that Id yanll him out to the
barn an lathcr him till he'd walk
pigeon-tocd fer week. They don't
hardly make enough money at it to keep
ON alive. There WIZ a man along hero
last spring scllin' some kind O. colored
pictcrs c-nthcr. He wanted two shillin'
fer the small size an forty cents fer tho
large ones, frames an all. Ask that
fcller how much he expects to git fer
that one he's maxim.
Bromticld, A. n. A. with an inward
prayer for forgivencss)-Tol him it's
sold in advance for six thousand dollars
and, by tho way. ask him if he can
change this lifty-dollar bill, will YOU?
Kimball's Hired Mantle says he's
sold it already for six thousand dol
lars, an he's got the money in his
clothes-an' he wants you to change a
ilfty-dollar bill for him, if We kin! (To
Bromfield.) Thatll settle him, mister;
he's stingicr than all git out.
a pause Of five or six minutes, during
which nothing is heard but the rattle OF
distant mowing-machine.
Cap'n Loveridge clearing his throat)
Sorry l can't change the bill for We,
mister; didn't bring much change with
me. But l wish ye'd come down an eat
dinner to my house, this noon. I'd like
to talk with ye bout maxim some ar
rangement to have my boy Bill Earn
that there trade O. yourn. I'd be willin'
to pay yo what's right if yell take him
fer prentice.
Bromfield completing his triumph)-
regret that can't accept your invita-
ton, as l must be back in town before
banking hours are over, in order to see
about selling some bonds. AS regards
your son, hare two apprentices al
ready, at three thousand dollars each,
and shall not be able to take any moro
for the next threo years. Good morn
ing.-F. Upper, in Puck
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
-
AitSi,latctl.

Mrs. Wilton-I have not heard from
your daughter since she married for
eign count.
Mrs. Bilton-She is very unhappy.
Mrs. W.-Too bad, but such matches
usually are unfortunate.
Mrs. B.--Indecd they are. You see
the poor girl knows so little Of foreign
languages that She drops back into En-
glish every ti;nc sho gets mad. and then
her husband can't understand word
she says.-N. y. Weekly.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
What's in II Name.

Milliccnt-I do so dislike "short"
names, Mr.. Jones; mover allow any ono
to call me "Milly." Don't You think l
am right?
MIR. Jones' quite agree with you.
Milllccnt--What do your friends call
you, Mr. Jones?
Mr.. .Joncs-My name is Montmorcncy
Shorthouse Jones, and -cr-thcy always
call mo Shorty. Light.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
Tho Buffer BIutfed,

Passenger No. Gust entering the
car)-Is this seat engaged?
Passenger No. (who wants tho Who'll O
seat to HIMSELF - No, sir; but Pm
troubled with hay fever, and you better
not sit very near me.
Passenger No. 1-Oh, that's all right.
I've an attack coming on myself.
exit Passenger No. 2.)-The Jury.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
What They Spared.

Mrs. Tangle-John, the kitchen is just
over-run with cock-roachcs. They've
eaton up every thing in it.
Mr.. Tanglc-What, every thing?
Mrs. Tanglc-Yes. Tho only thing
they haven't touched. is all that Patent
Doadshot Roach Food that 1 put all
around for thcm.-Light.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
Tho Homo of Revolotlons.

Prof. G. Ografic-The earth makes f.:
complete revolution in 365 days andl
hours.
Smartie-Some parts Of the earAl
make a revolution oftener than that4
Hayti and Venezuela, for instance y
Light. y
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
WEST END
Land and improvement Co,
PETERSBURG, VIRGINIA.

EbETERSBURG, the third city of vir-
glnla, population 23,3i7 is adyan-
4 tagconsly situated at the great
iaiis of the Appomattox, at the
hcau oil tice water. oighty-one miles
west of Norfolk, 1873 miles eaas or
Lynchburg, and nine miles FROM the
port OF City Point, on the james. IL is
nine hours travel by rail from Newt
York city being thus nearer the great
metropolis than either Rochester or
buffalo. 1t has large water power only
partially developed.
EazY Four steamer lines to New Yorl,
Philadelphia, Baltimore and Norfolk
UaS Five railway connections. north
south, cast and west, and another limo.
chartered.
SaY- The largest quarrics of gray
granite in the South: single blocls of
$4,000 pounds weight having been shin
ped northward by rail during tho rast
six months.
Ca Two hundred and sixty (e6o)
manufacturing establishments in SUE
cessful operation, with an aggrogate
monthly payroll OF $500, 900.
US The largest silk mill in the
South, run by water power, now omplov
ing 500 hands, and annually enlarged
and extended.
GY ~ large and lucrative trado in to-
bacco manufactured for export, onc-half
of the entire foreign export from the
United States going from this city.
E2S Six factories of tobacco for the
home market, one of them the LARGEST
in the State.
CAS- Five factories making cotton
cloth.
cB -Four iron foundrics, two trunk
factories, veneer works, flour and rrist
mills
GaS Basket and woodward works.
planning mills, knitting mills. A factory
for all varieties of plain and stamped
tin ware, papcr-box factory, fireworks
factory, &c, &C.. &c
All new manufacturing enterprises
receive the encouragement of ton vc,rs,
NNiipliOl lIDHl Guy taxation.
Our industries are already well cstab-
iished; we welcome those who come to
assist in their expansion and devotion,
mcnt. a paper mill would be a paving
investment as the raw material is in
unlimited quantity. and the demand for
inc various grades Of paper requires an
immense amount of the article. A tam
merry could also be proiitably operated Mt
Petersburg The raw material is in nm
limited supply, and Il ready market, at
home and near at hand. for a LARGO pro-
duction Of leather
The proximity OF large bodies of hard
wood timber the presence of skilled
Labor and tho radiating system Of rail
ways, mark this rs the best point for
building railway ears and equipment.
a marked advantage to tho pcrson
who invests in Petersburg now is. that
he does not come Oh thc tidal wavo OF al
sensclcss boon, To he stranded hy tho
reflex current
This companys property, situated in
the western part of the city. on thc
Petersburg and Asylum railroad, has
been graded and laid OFT in lots. The
lots are beautifully situated and, being
IN the line OF the natural growth OF the
city, offer rare opportunity to invest4
ors, either as speculation or to Dcrl
mancntly locate as homo. Ono of
these beautiful lots will be given to-
each purchaser of four shares OF stock.
the designation and distribution or
which will be made
lAlodnoodou kIou = ANN
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
Took Him ut His word.

Slowpay Ito collector)-I can't pay you
to-day. Please call again.
Collector-This is very annoying
don't want to do that.
Slowpay stay away; but don't
say that 1 didn't invite you. -West
Shore.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
An Honest Man.

Bronson--I suppose l may rs we'll
charge up that S25 you owe me to profit
and loss. Brokeley-My dear sir. am
man OF honor. will pay you that
money, sir. IL have to steal it.-Mun-
sey's Weekly.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
Thought Home.

Romantic Miss: Did il evor occur t.
yon what wonderful sights tho deep sea
divers must behold?
Practical Man: Ycs, once. 1t was
when was ut sea in storm. -Lifo.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
O. HOWARD ROVER.
tt G. p. e. II. Agent, Roanoke, Va.
NJ ORFOLK e WESTERN RAIL-
~ ROAD.
100 p. m.

- IVA -.
Schedule in effect Sept 3rd, 1890.
WEST BOUND.
LEAVE ROANOKE.
lo:O1 a. M. Daily: arrive Bristol 400
p. III. Stops at all stations,
connecting ut Radford with
trains on New River Branch:
arriving ut Pocahontas at
3:3j p. IN.
5:lj p. NJ. Daily, arrives Radford 100
p. M. connecting with New
River l'ranch at 10 u. M,
for Hluefield and Pccahon-
tas: arrivcs pocahontas 1885
p. III. Arrives Bristol lI:3O
p. m, connecting with l..
II. V. S G.. Il. Il. for all
points south and west. Has
Pullman Palace Sleeper,
Roanoke to Memphis. with
out change.
200 a. m. Daily, arrive Radford 0:15
Il. m. connecting with New
River Branch, leaving Rad
ford la:lO p. m. Arrives
Bristol i2:iO p. m. connects
with Il. r. V. & c. X. X.
for all points south and
west; has Pullman Palace
Sleeper from Roanoke to
New rlcans without
change.
EAST BOUND.
LEAVE ROANOKE.
30 Il. IN. Daily; for Lynchburg. Pc
tcrsburg, Richmond. VII:
Petersburg and X. 81 i. Il.
R..) Norfolk and INFERNO
diatc points; Connects at
Lynchburg with Y. NJ. Il.
L. for Washington and the
East, leaving Lynchburg
T:4o Il. m. daily. Arrives
Norfolk ECO p. m, cHnncct-
ing with steamer lines to
Baltimore and New York
1910 Il. IN. Daily; arrives Lynchburg
1888 Il. H.. connecting with
V. NJ. K. Il. for all points
north. arriving Washing
ton 1:05 p. M; arrives Pc
tcrsburg 4:2a0 p. M: arrives
Richmond, via Il. & u. II.
r.. 5:O5 p. IN; arrives Nor
folk 100 p. IN.
BAD p. IN. Daily; for Lynchburg and
intermediate stations; az
rivcs Lynchburg $40 p. m.
T:2O p. IN. Daily; for Lynchburg and
intermediate stations; ar
rivcs Lynchburg 9:20 p. m.
Cripple Creek Observation-Disclosures
Pulaski S:l5 a. m. Daily, except Sun
day, and 300 p. m. Daily, arrive Ivan
hoe 9:45 a. M, and 4:30 p. m.
Clinch Valley Extension lin operation
Aug. 3, to st. Paul, 81 miles)-Leave
Blueficld $40 a. M, daily; arrive St.
Paul 1885 p. IN.
All inquiries as to rates, routes, etc,
promptly answered.
w. 3. BEVILL,
Gent Pass. and Ticket Agent.
CllAS. G. EDDY, vice-presidcnt.
jan1 General Offices, Roanoke.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
SIlENANDOAH VALLEY RAIL.
~ ROAD
5. +. TYLER, Receiver.
Schedule in effect june .. 1890.
ARRIVE At ROANOKE

- i.isAs' hNtCClNCG-
Schedule in effect juno .. 1890.
ARRIVE At ROANOKE.
800 p. III. Daily-Mcmphis Express.
from liaScrstown and the
North. Through Pullman
sleeping cars from New
York and Philadelphia to
Chattanooga and Memphis
Via Harrisburg, Ilagcrs-
town and Roanoke.
T.lo 4. N. Daiiy-New Orleans En-
press from New York. Phil
adclphia and Baltimore,
making connection through
to tho South. Carries
through Pullman palace
buffet sleeping car from
philadelphia to New Or
leans, without change. via
harrisburg, IIagcrstown,
Roanoke, Cleveland, Calcra
and l.. Il II. Il. r.
LEAVE ROANOKE
o:lo Il. m Daily-Baltimore Express
from all points south for
Washington, Baltimore,
harrisburg, Philadelphia
and New York. Carries
Pullman palace buffet
sleeping car from Roanoke
to Philadelphia without
change, via Hagcrstown
and Harrisburg.
T:2O p m. Daily-New York and Phil
adclphia Express, from
Memphis, Chattanooga and
all points south. For Phil
adelphia and New York.
Carries Pullman palace
buffet sleeping cars through
to Philadelphia and New
York via Roanoke, Hagers-
town and Harrisburg.
Ticket agents will furnish ali infor-
nation and through schedules upon APP
plicati0n to
O. HOWARD ROVER.
If G. p. & II. Agent, Roanoke, Va.
The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-11-04
1910 Il. IN.

BAD p. IN.
T:o0 p. IN.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1890-08-30
A Numerous Far,,i,,.

There are some good-sized families in
Maine to-day, but probably none SO
large as one mentioned in the histories
OF Old colonial days. tis told on the
authority of Cotton Mathef that the
hrst royal Governor of Boston was one
OF a family of twenty-six children, and
was born in the woods of Maine near
the mouth of the Kennebec in 1851. His
mother was left widow when he was a
child, and is said to have had all she
could do to provide for the wants of her
family. 1t is hoped that when the Gov
ernor got $4,000 a knighthood and a
goblet valued at $4,000 as a reward for
finding Spanish treasure-ship that
had gone to the bottom half century
before, he remembered his mother and
made her last days easier than her
earlier ones had been.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1890-08-30
The following Resolutions we're unanimous

The following Resolutions were unanimous
ly adopted: 1d .afr
Resolved. That this committee re.afRrms
the State and National Republican platform uf
1883, including the declaration that "the Re-
publican party IN in favor of the use of bot b
gold and silver as money! and that it "cou.
dems all efforts to demonetize silver"
Resolved, That the persistent neglect OF
Secretary Window to increase the coinage Of
silver 70 the maximum OF four million dollars
per month, coupled with his attempt to infiu-
ence Congressional legislation 80 as to perpet.
uate silver decentralization, is shameless yio-
lation of the silver plank OF the National Re-
publican platform. an attack upon the rights
and interests of the miners, farmers and
workers of the land and an act of party per-
fdity that should call for his retirement from
tho conncils of an Administration which Ia
pledged to help and not 10 hinder the renone-
tization of silver.
Resolved, That the Republican party Of
This state is in favor OF Tree and unlimited
coinage of both gold and silver; that it
holds to this principle az tenent Of party
faith and q test OF party allegiance; that IL
VIII permit OF no abandonment or modihcton
OF this doctrine; that let whatsoever will prove
recreant to the principle OF bimetallism it will
remain steadfast thereto, and that it invites all
voters in Nevada who favor the repeal of the
iniquitous interlineated law of 1873 by which
silver was demonetized and who desire the
establishment of free and unlimited coinage as
the law of the United States OF America, to
join in electing delegates 20 Republics an
State Convention.
II. u. BOYLE, Chairman,
F.o. LORD, Secretary. jp7td
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1890-08-30
A sHoP-GIRL's PROTEST.
'ne Doesn't Want the Sympathy OF Mis-
guided Philanthropists.

She Doesn't Want the Sympathy Of Mis-
guided Philanthropists.
The Chicago Tribune recently re-
received the following from a. retail
house on State street:
want to protest against this twaddle
ABOUT the poor shop-girl. l have heard
II rung In my ears for weeks, day and
hight. And from people who know
hothing about our business and really
care less. am tired of being pointed
out as weary shop-girl. / am tired OF
being asked the question by people
wnom never saw before and probably
Will never see again until / run up
against them in the next world, and
.hen shall expect them to say to me-
You poor, tired thing. You look too
weary TO twang your harp
Let me tell these sympathetic
creatures something. We do get tired.
80 do the bank clerks, and | suppose
.here is such thing as newspaper men
nring. But they are never singled out
ss we are as objects of sympathy. YOU
may think am ungrateful. 1 am
not don't want any so-called
sympathy from strangers. Besides,
would like to inform the sympathizers
.hat the average shop-g;rl of to-day is
better off for being such. She is we'll
treated by her employer. OF course she
mas to work. She is not employed as
picture. / know one manager in Chi
cago who never allows girl in search
OF work to leave his place without one
aay's pay in her pocket If she is
worthy she may be retained. During