Los Angeles herald., 1890-11-10
The Club Changes Its Quar-
ters for Good Reasons.
Sir John Buck Tells What Hap
pened at Yuma.
The "Stiff Planter" Takes Hand
at Yarning,
And Tells What Bad 'Un His Assistant
Bill Was-But Bill Gets Fooled-A
Practical Joke on Reporter.
Written for the HERALD.

majority of the club it was agreed that
the "boys" should no longer hold their
meetings in the back room of saloon,
but should gather in the parlor OF the
undertaken, to swap "reminiscences. As
one of the vice-presidents explained, a
wave of temperance had swept over tho
city, whose influence was felt by all
classes-especially by reporters-the
reason for which he assigned to the fact
that the elections were over and the
candidates wouldn't allow their "leg to
be pulled" any longer. The under
takers parlor was suggested as a sub
stitute to the saloon parlor, because it
was so easy to lay out a man there after
he had been talked to death. Besides,
undertakers, he added, could tell beau
tiful stories themselves, without any
great effort, and, if he loved anything, it
was plausible and imperturbable liar
The motion prevailed, and when the
club repaired to the friend of
the deads' joint and explained
the high honor done him, he
expressed himself as immensely pleased,
and set them up, on condition that the
boys wouldn't spit on the floor.
1t occurs to me here to ask why un-
dertakers are always such jolly dogs7
The sourest of them could make cat
laugh. l have come to the conclusion
that there must be great deal of satis
faction and comfort in laying out
''stiff," and mailing him up in box.
Whenever l get the blues again am
agoing to be jolly undertaken and
never have dyspepsia again.
A gentleman wearing pair of sol
dier's pants, deacon's broadcloth coat,
very much Drowned by the caresses of
the sun, and straw hat that had come
all the way from Guadalajara, was intro
duced as shining light of the pencil,
who was momentarily in an embarrassed
condition, being, as he said, new ar
rival in the city Of the angels, in which
he had set foot for the first time the day
before, en- route to the andwich
Islands, where he expected to make
fortune and obtain title.
''Now," said he, 81 am plain Johnny
Buck, but what will my old granny say,
if she lives that long, and sees me COM
ing home with my pockets stuffed full OF
twenties, and addressed as Sir John
Buck, the same as old Claus Spreck-
els? I have perfected system
by which one must always win
at poker, and if I can get in
with His Royal Majesty King Kalakaua,
I'll teach him the science, become rich
and considered, and will avert revolu-
tion in those enchanting islands, where
all you have to do to be happy is to eat
bananas, while the pretty girls fan you
with palm leaf" He drew in his
breath at the joyful thought, exactly as
Japanese does when he wishes to show
you mark of respect.
He explained that he deserved the
smiles of fortune, because she had kicked
him hard until the present time.
"While / was at Yuma" he continued,
f'there were some troops embarking in a
river boat. Every man Of 'em was as
full as gander. l was standing fieaf
the gangway, and up walks little fat
major, whose face was as red as boiled
lobster. I didn't have this sanctimon-
ious coat on then. This was presented
to me BY the warden of the penitentiary
as a mark of esteem. had on soldiers
fatigue Jacket. The little major says to
me- 'Pwivate, you will stand at this
gangway and pwevent everybody
from leaving the boat. Djunderstand
me, sah?' Then he walked off without
even waiting for an answer. l had moth
ing particular to do, so l concluded /
might as we'll stay there and assert my
authority. After l had been waiting
three minutes drunken soldier, who
was loaded with traps of all kinds, stag
gered down the gang plank. He had his
musket in his hand. l drew myself up
lust as had seen the major do it, and
SIR SIR sPhwafts that?'' queried
the warrior, AN is it yez,
We dirty nigger-graiser, phwat IL stap
me? Be the holy phoker, af yez don't
git out of me waay, I'll be after braik-
ing livery bone in yer dirty ould body!'
Orders OF the major says 1. TO h
with you an the meejor," says he,
sOi'm not drunk, and oi'll be drunk
afore lave, or me name is not Patrick
O'Connell Gilhooley so get out of me
waay, or be this and be that, I'll shoot
the top of yer head aff.' Of course let
him 90 where he pleased, and he went
straight to a saloon. The little major
had seen my weakness. He rushed up
in big rage, and 1 thought he would
have a fit. When he regained his
breath he addressed me thusly sPwi-
vate, demme sab, you dlsObeyed owdahs,
sab! I told you distinctly not to let any
of these wascals disembark, sab. l
shall report you to your commanding
officer, sab. Consider yourself under
arrestP
1 had got tired by this time of choleric
officers and drunken privates, and
felt very much like telling
him to go where Patrick want
ed him to go, but major, though
he may be small man, is a big man,
and thought it best to be polite, so [
addressed myself to him in about these
words: Honorable major of the regular
army OF the United States, you are labor
ing under mistake. have no superior
officer in this whole wide world. As
you see me, / am combination OF
superior officer and private, and nobody
can boss me but myself. was very
willing to oblige you, 30 long as no per-
sonal violence was threatened me, but
when a drunken Irishman, who wishes
you in hell, talks about knocking the
tap of me head aft, know that he
would do it too quick
"'Then, sab, if you are no soldier, sab,
who in thundah has allowed you to wear
soldiers clothes, sah?'
'Adversity, most honorable major,
adversely. Besides, you are little off
your cabeza, or in other words your nose
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