Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-12-20
AN OUTSIDER ON FOOT BALL

AN OUTSIDER ON FOOT BALI.
Only Too Convenient Mode Of Beating Life
Insurance Companies.
| Alexander z. Sweet in New York Herald.
An individual whose name I suppress on ac-
count OF his family, and whom have hereto
fore erroneously regarded in the light Of tepid
personal friend, asked me seriously the other
day il did not want to Join foot ball team
which he is organizing. II is to be composed
Of the elite Of Harlem, and will be called the
Harlem High Shoppers.
| Because did not thank him with tears in my
eyes for this glorious chance to acquire COM
plicated case Of strangulated hernia he has fred
me out OF his warm affections into the colder
atmosphere OF mere acquaintanceship.
have heard that he tells people, with q
fresh-baked sneer, that have no sporting
blood in me and that am also q chump.
remember very well how came to attend,
as spectator, my first game Of foot ball out
at the polo grounds. 1t was when made my
debut In New York some years ago.
happened on Thanksgiving afternoon to be
walking on 5th avenue. my object being to gar
ner an appetite for the accommodation of the
approaching turkey, when my eyes were riv-
eted IN their sockets, as it were. by q passing
| tally no. The inside was painfully distended
with young men wearing cape overcOats and the
ruddy hue land cry) of health-the latter on
their cheeks. The dome of the vehicle was
likewise thickly encrusted with the same rich
| material.
STUDENTS IN THEIR WILD STATE
/ had never before encountered the college
students in their wild state, hence was startled
when they suddenly opened their mouths 90
copiously that the roofs Of their conversational
facilities and their bronchial tubes were gilded
by the rays of the autumnal sun as they ex-
claimed, "Bric-a-kex-kex, coax-bric-a-kax-
kax-coax-parabaloo-s2," and similar gems Of
| thought.
l learned that they we're college students
whose minds had been temporarily warped
over game OF foot ball. which is made the pre-
iimlnary excuse for painting the town red once
year, but which is not regarded as a cardinal
SIN by the New Workers. made up nv mind
TO see game of foot ball, no matter how great
the expense might. So on the ensuing Thanks
giving day l borrowed dollar and car fare
from friend and went to what was very prop
eriy called "bawl grounds and got a place in
| the grand stand. where had to sit down.
was a little late in arriving at the abattoir.
for rloting had already begun. A brindle-
| legged student, whose cerebellum had been
driven into his medulla oblongata, was being
carried to an ambulance, a friend Of the sufferer
bringing up the rear Of the procession with a
| few folds of the sufferers left ear which had
been scrunched of on the ground. observed
another young man delving in the earth which
he was blowing up with his nose, the motive
power being supplied by three or four other
young men whose stockings did not correspond
IN color with those of the aforementioned vic
| tim, who was being propelled over the surface
OF the planet la wheelbarrow.
STORM CENTER OF THE GAME.
But the principal fracas was where the stu
| dents seemed to have run together in one spot
and coagulated. as it we're, their limbs blend
| ing into one homogeneous whole. They were
| 1estooned and entwined around each other as
annIqhIQ nc a lot Of =
but they made more noise. They were very
much mixed mp.
Several students had evidently Owed into The
squirmlng mass head first and stuck there, for
tneir limbs were waving about in the upper
| air like those of tree or a ballet dancer
After waiting for some time in vain for the ar
rlval OF the troops to quell the riot / retired
| from the scene OF the conflict because did not
care to be summoned as a witness at the in
quests The battle was still raging the sur
the shrleks OF the wounded were still ringing
| in my ears.
However, was present long enough to get q
fair idea of the scope of the game.
IL man rellshes going to the hospital or the
morgue In two separate ambulances he should
give foot ball a trial before trying to enioy him
sell elsewhere. Foot ball can break up an
able-bodled man SO completely in single round
that the average railroad collision or boiler ex-
ploslon feels like making an assign .ent for the
OF assets or liabilities, and going out of the
business for good
Compared with a hotly contested game of
foot ball, falling down stairs with a cooking
stove In your arms isn't in it.
CAPACITIES OF THE SPORT
young man who has had no experience
whatever in the game can go in and in ten
| minutes acquire a compound fracture of the
bones OF both legs, which afterward NAV re-
led L.
| crutches for the rest of his life; or he NAV get
| handful Of ribs loosened from his sniIal
column and at the same time acquire fuxa-
| ton OF the mucus membrane or some of the
other Latin parts of his body.
Are there any other health-provoking games
that hold out such enticing inducements to the
sport-loving youth Of the nineteenth century?
| trow not.
If man fairly aches to go through life with
his Adams apple nesting costly under his left
ear, while his battered nose looks as if it was
anxious to turn the next corner to the right
before it gets there he may find what he needs
| in game of foot ball. which unites the most
exciting features of riding bucking broncho
with those OF smuggling match, for often the
dull thuds of the slugger can be heard above
the walls Of the wounded and dying. sounding
like the patter of a mules hind leg on the ribs
of the hired man.
While admit that there are lots of fun and
health germs in football, still don't think il is
|
him down on the ground like a cold boarding
| house buckwheat cake merely because the two
| gentlemen do not wear the same kind of stock
ings. Other men who defy the press and the
pulpit by leaving the door open in winter or by
blowing cigarette smoke into your face are not
dealt with harshly.
The unities should be preserved as far as pos
sible. 1t is not right to disseminate man over
twenty-acre ball ground or invite a coterie of
friends to jump on his PROSTATE form until he
has been pressed and fattened out like a beau
tiful autumn leaf in family Bible, unless he
has said something derogatory about the female
| members of the family of the disseminators or
| tried to sing Little Annie Rooney" At least
! that is the way look at it.
POINTERS, soRDID AND CELESTIAL.
| And now parting word to my uptown
friend who evidently desires to have me assas-
sinated. He is insulted because 1 hesitated
about joining the Harlem foot ball team. am
sorry, but it is perhaps better that his feelings
should be hurt than that should go around if
l pulled through, with my internal organs
| jolted and showed out of the places where it
| pleased an all-wise Providence to place them.
admit that these are panicky times and a
man should look out for his family, and that
| foot ball affords me golden opportunity to