Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-10-11
NY FIRST HUSBAND.

posed, having vacated the place that Tom
had obligingly offered to fill, would have
left our hero in undisturbed possession of
all the rights and privileges thereunto
belonging.
Now, if it had been the ghost of Toms
grandmother or great-grandmother, or any
of his aunts or cousins, or even that un-
desirable but indispensable article-if men
would have any wives at ala mother-in-
law, he could have borne it with some de-
gree OF equanimity; but as it was, he was
driven nearly frantic.
Tom had with the best possible inten-
tions, married the Widow Vanduzen, who
had manifested no reluctance to becoming
Mrs. Tom Brown; indeed, we are only to
remember that she was widow to feel
pretty sure that she did her share of the
counting.
And now to have the virtues Of the de-
ceased Vanduzen dished up for breakfast,
dinner and tea, to say nothing of having
them served up cold as side dishes on
every possible occasion, was rather more
than Tom could endure.
We can understand the poet when he
says "How blessings brighten as they
take their fightp' but why woman
should speak of cher sainted husband"
who was anything but a saint when on
earth, or why a man should allude to the
dear departed, who was only dear to him
in her heavy draft upon his pocket-book,
are among those things, to quote the i'm
mortal Dundreary, (which no fellow can
find out"
TOMS wife was quiet, meek faced little
woman, and who would have been highly
indignant had anyone insinuated that she
did not make one of the best of wives
Indeed, most of Toms male acquaint-
ances thought that he ought to be a very
happy fellow, and SO he would have been
but for the ghost of the defunct Vanduzen,
whose presence his late widow continually
invoked, and whose moral excellences, as
portrayed by her skillful hand, he de-
SPARED of ever being able to emulate.
Mrs. Brown regarded his shortcomings
with an air Of indulgence that was not the
least aggravating part of it.
"Poor Tom means well" she would say,
with sigh of mingled resignation and re-
gret. 81 could not expect to have two
such husbands as my sainted Augustus"
We are sorry to say that Tom did not
always receive this with the meekness that |
was expected of him.
'No one can regret his death more than
/ DO, my DEAR" was his unfeeling re-
joinder, one day.
Mrs. Brown uttered no reproach /; |
neither did she fly into passion. She !
knew trick worth two of that.
Slowly raising her handkerchief to her
eyes, she faltered forth
'My sainted Augustus"
Without waiting to hear what the |
"sainted Augustus did or didn't do, Tom
left the house uttering some very en-
phatic language, like the upfeeling brute
he was as our lady readers will ac-
knowledge.
The worst of it was that Tom knew of |
no one that had the slightest knowledge of |
the late Augustus Vanduzen, so he was
unable to throw any doubt upon the ex-
istence of the superhuman virtues under
whose weight, fguratively speaking, he |
lay crushed.
His wife had married and buried her |
first husband in California.
She came North soon after her widow |
hood to visit some friends who bad known |
her in her maiden life, where Tom saw, |
wooed and won her.
But, as luck would have it, John Bah |
bit, an old schoolmate of Toms, came home
from California.
things to talk over.
How curious you should be married,
old boy?' said John, as they sat smoking
together. And to poor little Mrs. Van
duzen p
81 L. \, j
Tom, dryly, though | haven't the
slightest expectation of ever being able to
supply the place of her first husband You
knew the late lamented Augustus Van
duzen"
q knew more than l wanted to of him;
though | never knew that he was lamented
by anybody. His wife certainly had no
cause to lament him. Why he used to get
drunk every night and come home and
smash the furniture | never pItied any
woman as did her. l used to hope she'd
outlive him, so as to take little comfort
before she died. He did die, though not
in his bed; the Vigilance Committee got
hold of him one dark night, and -"
Here the speaker touched his throat, with
a brief but expressive gesture. Too
many horses missing, you understand"
Here, as the speaker caught a glimpse
of TOMS astonished face, the sudden
thought struck him that this revelation
might not be over and above agreeable to
the man occupying the place that had
been so suddenly vacated. 81 beg
pardon
''Not a word of apology, my dear fell
low" interrupted Eom, whose face was
actually radiant with smiles, grasping
John warmly by the hand, whose turn it
was to be astonished. 81 am delighted.
That is to say" added Tom, checking HIM
self as he saw his friends bewildered look,
81 shall be delighted to have you dine
with me tomorrow; a strictly family din
ner, you understand. Mrs. Brown will be
delighted, too Oh, yes ~ chuckled Tom
on his way home, feeling strongly inclined
to throw up his cap and hurrah in the ex-
uberance of his JOY.
He was confident that he had now a
spell by which he could clay" the ghost
that had so long haunted him. 1t was
past II when he let himself in. Instead
of creeping meekly along, as was his
wont, he walked noisily upstairs into the
room where his wife was sitting, handker-
chief in hand, in the attitude into which
she had arranged herself at the turning of
the latch key. Without paying her the
slightest heed, Tom marched across the
floor to the fire, where he stood warming
his hands and whistling softly to himself.
Astonished at this unheard-of procedure,
Mrs. Brown glanced out at the eulprit
from corner Of her pocket handkerchief.
''Never, during all our happy married
life, died my sainted Augustus come home
at such an hour as thisp' she said with
more than usual emphasis, as she noted his
air of tranquil enjoyment.
81 know he didn't" was the cool reply;
che used to come home at in the morn
ing, crazy drunk, and smash the furniture.