The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-11-23
WHY / GO ABROAD.
I Tried to Lecture, but Fate and Ny VIII
Were AGAINST Me.

LII Iue ufSI place, was ola enough to
know better. But, alas, for the great
blank wall Of the mystery of thiDgsl
As [ write / find it impossible to de-
eide which emotion takes precedence
pity for myself or rage at her. By Her
l mean my wife. have one. It will
be ''she" and cher" between US now and
forevermore, until l can learn the lesson
of forgiveness. If 1 am slightly inco-
herent pardon it in man who has had
his very soul sandpapered.
Friend, were you ever invited to de-
liver lecture? Did you prepare it in
an uplifted state amounting to inspira-
ton! Did you round its periods with
laughter and with tears? If SO you will
understand.
L am quiet man. l live in a quiet
town. Hitherto have been highly re-
spected. Ny wife is considered a nice
little woman, and have shared in this
popular opinion-until now. She is not
nice and, furthermore, she does not be-
long to the aristocracy of brains.
| was invited a week since to lecture
L
been invited to lecture before. l had
my ideas on lectures and lecturers. |
always nave had them. AS q rule l had
concluded that they lack elaboration.
Their flow of words is not regulated
properly to produce the desired effect
Their gesticulations are too violent and
generally i'll suited to the ideas intended
to be illustrated by them.
l unused on all these things. Iwrote
my essay; memorized it.
AS man himself weaves the web which
hides from him the stars, so l myself
planned my own undoing
The night came. The audience came.
I placed Her" MS. in hand, upon a
three legged stool in the wings-as my
prompter. My instructions were to
closely follow me in all my remarks, and
at any appreciable pause to prompt me
in several whispered words. How could
| dream in what manner those instruc-
tons should be abused? l then walked
forth upon the stage of our town opera
house. Thus unsuspectingly walk men
Alas! My lecture intended for solo
deliberate quickly merged into duet
duet legretto-stacotto
After coughing deliberately looked
my audience firmly in the eye and told
this lie:
Owing to short notice as regards my
subject l have only been enabled to az
range a few main points-pegs-on
which to hang the drapery of few ram
bling ideas"
As this little overture was not in the
MS. l had the pleasure of hearing three
times from the wings during its recital
the whispered words ''materialism is
which were, l hasten to state. the two
first words Of my lecture proper.
Immensely amused and thinking what
a good laugh we should enjoy over it
later, l fastened to begin.
"Materialism is good sauce, but
poor meatr'
had fiattered myself that my opening
sentence was impressive and wished to
accentuate it by a thrilling pause, but
w otS llOb dllOWGu UndI pause.
From the wings issued quickly the
first words of my next sentence:
above the"-
"Above the lights of our city" ejacu-
lated hastily, with a whitening glance
at the wings, Lies the
Darkness from the wings)-
Darkness, repeated 1, stamping vio-
lently to catch her eye and attempting
miserable MANI another pause. 1t was
not to be. A warning voice distinctly
enunciated:
"Yet"-
yet" added 1 in piteous despair and
perforce in louder accents, ''above and
beyond that darkness lie the
STARS from the wings)-
STARS roared 1 in rage. Let us
hope the gods helped me to preserve the
emotions of that moment dead secret
as far as the audience was concerned.
''The world" from the wings)-
1.-The world is a strange salad" no
pause, no hope, in breathless race we
enunciated another strangely spoken
sentence.
''The sleeping child in each nature
once awakened-may never be lulled to
sleep again." we ratified at brealneck
speed.
This whole sentence cast, as it were,
its shadow before in weirdly shrill
whisper from the wings. Drenched in
perspiration, glaring wildly even as
mailman, stood. Placidly, serenely she
sat upon her stool, dimly discermble to
my distracted vision. A boy in the front
seat Uttered Historically. An epidemic
of tittering followed.
And so on unto the very end No rest,
no hope. Ever urged at gallop by the
admonishing voice. My lecture resolved
itself into race, in which l finally re-
sorted to believing in order to cheat my
self into the belief that my audience was
stone deaf to any other tones than my
own.
recall with q tear my closing SEN
tence, intended to be uttered in reflect
i've whisper. In a last despairing effort
[ struggled to give it that effect. The
result was this:
''And so-we do not understand. We
cry aloud"-
(Voice-Let there be Lightly
let her say it. 1t was all over. fl
had repeated it the audience would have
heard nothing. The din was terrible
led by the boy in the front row. fl
ever meet that boy. AS I walked
home through the rain after depositing
her in our carriage reflected. 1t seemed
to me that there would be a strange and
weird coziness about a coffin-a coffin
for one.
But then nothing makes much differ
ence now. I sail next week.-Detroit