Rock Island daily Argus., 1890-09-15

a hole IN the garment while filing the
air about you with profanity.
You win also find napkin at your
side, or rolled in fantastic wad on your
plate. It will have concealed In it a
blonde roll, which you will no doubt in
an unguarded moment flip on the floor,
and it viii get stepped on by the regular
banquet humorist of the occasion.
You win be assigned to seat at first,
and viii place your hand on the back of
the chair, thereby fling on the seat, as
you might say, Upon a given signal
from the chair, and the words Gentle
men will be seated" you will sock your
legs under the table, and while getting
acquainted with your neighbor you may
unfold your napkin, pat few Brazil
nuts in your pocket and ask the guest of
the evening if that is his first visit to
"our little town"
Should the finger bowl be placed at
your side at the beginning of the meal
along with the wine glasses, you may
easily distinguish it from the wine
glasses by its height 1t is not so
tall, and is more thick set, or thickly
set, if you please. 1t is also liable to
contain sprig of geranium, which is
not to be eaten under any circumstances.
You will now bite off corner of your
roll, and while ostensibly reading the
menu you can run over your piece in
your mind or comb your whiskers with
your pocket comb.
If dish is brought to you which you
have not been brought up on, and you
are mystitied about it, do not say to the
waiter, Il don't want that; it's too rich
for my blood" but let it remain by
your side, and possibly some one else
win ask what it is, so that yon can not
only find out, but also quietly take home
the recipe to your wife.
1t is considered vulgar to eat every
thing within reach, and then try to dig
the ornamental designs off the plate
with your spoon in a mad effort to get
the rest of the food, or wipe up your dish
with a roll, like an engine wiper working
on neglected locomotive. You should
eat all the time as if you did not choose
any. or had no occasion, as we say Mt our
house when we have company, and
throughout the meal preserve an air of
ennui and appear as blase as possible.
Do not begin TO eat like harvest horse
while the blessing is being rendered, but
sit quietly and do Not fidget with the
cake or crack your knuckles and mur-
mur at the delay.
Do not seek TO obtain the last drop OF
gravy on your plate by up ending it into
your spoon or mouth, and if you wear a
heavy mustache it might be well occa-
sionslly to run your fork through it in
search of custard or other game which
may have secreted itself there. The
bright bon mots of man with a custard
| in his mustache fall upon the mind like
pail.
In eating raw oysters do not seek tc
hurry matters by means of a violent in,
halation at the moment of taking them
from the fork; and if you should droI
one on the floor do not gather it up with
your hand and slap it down on your
plate with an oath, or put it on the head
of bald clergyman whom you know
but slightly. Tell the waiter in low
tone of voice that if he will get it from
i lho 4lOOl II 1Ol wv IL
Then you may go on with your persi
flage or whatever may be on your plate
| at the time.
After the entire menu has been care
fully disposed of the chairman will take
another nip, and arising TO his full
height, thereby scattering the crumb:
that were in his lap over those who si
near him, he will proceed to pound OF
the table with the handle of knife, ant
refer feelingly to the guest of the even
ing. Cheers viii greet his remarks, and
confusion will cover the guest. If yor
are ever a guest you will know wha
sorrow is. To sit mp at 12 o'clock a
night facing an expectant multitude o.
dear, devoted friends, and listen to en-
comiums foot high addressed to yor