Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-10

sure of an unparalleled display of fancy
swearing every evening SO sure as the even
| ing came.
slThe chickens were Mrs. Beemis' special
| department. Indeed, IL she had not raised
| a goodly number there would have been
slim pickings for the boarders The garden
was his. though. am bound to say that
the main crops he raised in it were crab
grass and burdock. The chickens displayed
| a fondness, after the manner Of their kind,
| for getting into this alleged garden. Dur.
| ing the heat of the day the old man seemed
oblivious to their movements; but in the cool
Of the evening it was his custom to sally
forth. Then would arise
The horrible grumble and rumble and roar,
Telling the battle was on again,
aud old man Beemis was out after the chick
ems.
A REGULAR EVENING PERFORMANCE.
With his arms full of stones he used to
skin around the garden hurling these mis-
siles at the offending fowls. who ran squawk-
ing before him, along with a torrent Of most
choice and picturesque profanity, and maxi
ing his slim little legs get over the ground
in quite marvellous manner, at such rate
of seed that the wonder was where he found
the wind for so much swearing and such a
gait at the same time. He cursed them as
the irate Bishop cursed the jackdaw Of
Rheims:
He cursed them in eating. he cursed them in
He cursed them in sneezing. he cursed them In
winking,
He cursed them in standing, in walking. in
And finally cursed them most roundly in dying.
I used to wonder that they were not
cooked, feathers and all, as they ran, and
whether it was really safe to eat them after
they had been so thoroughly objurgated.
even shifted them suspiciously after they
came to the table fried, but never found the
slightest breath of birthstone clinging to
them. One great comfort was that in the
portions he most frequently alluded to in
his condemnatory remarks were their souls
and their eyes, neither OF which Mrs. Beemis
ever fried for us.
Mrs. Beemis was an excellent housewife
and most delightful cook. One of the
funniest sights of funny little household was
to see those two poor old creatures sit down
at the table side by side-they never sat op-
posite each other-after all the boarders had
finished, and snap and quarrel over their
nice, appetizing food like TWO little cross
dogs.
A BRAVE LADY's MISTAKE.
One Of the lady boarders announced to us
that she meant to give them her opinion
about the way they lived-in roundabout
way. She did. She talked at length one
morning about the charms of family affec-
tion, the beauties Of conjugal felicity, how
wrong it was for two people who ought to
be all in all to each other to disagree, and
more to the same purpose. like Rogue Rider
hood, ga namin' no names" Mrs. Beemis,
however, saw the application.
81 spose, Mrs. -, 1 know what you
mean," she said, in high quavering voice.
body knows what Mrs. Beemis' temper is.
Everybody knows the trials I've had with
him. No woman could do more than I've
done," etc., etc., in the same vein for some
thing like an hour.
We put that intrepid lady boarder under
bonds never to bring down such another
visitation on us, and Mrs. Beemis posed
unmolested as suffering martyr to the end
OF our stay.
Fourth of July we had a picnic, all the
summer boarders at the various farmhouses
and every native on the mountain top at
tending. Everyone went from our place
but old man Beemis, who was In the sulks,
and Mrs. Beemis, who chad too much to
do" We had a fine time; had big swing
put up, and swung one boy clear over the
off his right hand; two girls nearly drowned
in the creek and any number Of minor cas-
ualties-in short, celebrated the day in q
highly proper and patriotic manner. But
when we got home we came on a scene that
put the cap ON all our festivities. We were
greeted at the gate by a faint and scattering
volley of profanity, like the dis
tant discharge of small arms from q retreat
ing and vanquished battalion, and on reach
ing the house we saw a most diverIing
tableau.
MR.. BEEMIs UP A TREE.
Mrs. Beemis did as much of the cooking
as was possible in the open air, a habit she
had probably caught from the natives. She
now squatted like one of them, barefooted,
On the ground outside the kitchen door,
peeling potatoes for supper. Above her
head. suspended and entangled in some |
plum tree, hung her liege lord. He was |
far gone, If not, as he asserted, |
with garnishings and embellishments which |
seemed feeble and tame when compared |
With his usual free, forcible style, in articulo |
nortis. His wife never raised her eyes as
he threatened, entreated, begged and COM
handed her to get ladder and help him
lown. He was hanging more or less head
downward, and his wicked old face was suf-
used and his evil old eyes looked as If they
would burst out. There was no danger Of
lis falling-his profane old feet were too
irmly wedged into the crotch of the tree for
he hung by his hands with much
lificulty to a lower limb which prevented
lis dangling straight head downward.
81 told Mr.. Beemis not to try to climb
hat tree, said his helpmeet quietly as the
men ran for the ladder. ~ told him be was
90 old and too stiff"
We could imagine the sulphurous fume O
in which he Skinned up the tree
ust to hear her smooth, aggravating tone as
he said that. AS the men took the old
elbow down he made himself very timber,
md pretended to have tainted.
"Why, Mrs. Beemis." we said, "you
ught to have helped him down; he might
lave died."
ST did calculate to when he got so he
ouldn't swear" she answered, with coolly
ropped eyes, as she prepared to take her
,otatoes into the kitchen. "I shouldn't
ave considered him in dangerous way
fore that"
1