davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15

beauty. "Ohl you must take IT." he ex-
claimed. Looks tip-top-out OF sight.
Soon be time TO 60 to the hall, you
know"
81 know, but 1 can't raise my arm.
See?"
''Oh. you don't want to raise your
arm. In a humorous recitation you
must stand perfectly still"
But it pinches me under the arms"
''Oh, come. nowl what difference does
that make? Every thing pinches-life
pincheS for that matter, but you don't
want to throw off your life simply be-
cause it does pinch little. Put on
your overcoat and come ahead"
sat on an uneasy chair waiting for
my turn-was 70 appear Immediately
after slim young man in a nicely
fitting coat should finish singing
Jack Is Every Inch a Sailor" The
timo came and suddenly found myself
in the presence of innumerable ribbons
and highly-colored feathers Eyes,
noses and then faces gradually grew
into recognizable shape. got through
with my piece and then attempted to
vanish, as trained stage people do,
without turning round, but failed. Il
graceful vanish was beyond my skill
The people roared and / was forced to
tell another story; and, encouraged by
the outbursts OF appreciation. felt the
thrilling leap OF the suddenly-acquired
blood Of bravery: still, at the close Of
the second recitation Lcould not vanish
gracefully. When ! turned to 90 tho
audience roared louder than ever, but
determined 20 run no risk Of failure
after so brilliant a success, hastened
to the green-room flushed with the cx-
element OF victory. Ny friend and the
other musicians. tho young man VINO
had sung Jack Is Every Inch
sailor'-all yelled vas not long in
discovering the true cause of my great
success. The rented atrocity that wore
was split down the back from collar 70
tails. This was not the only humiliz-
tion, for one OF the newspapers, in re-
ferring to my part Of the performance.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15

SAL
His h8ea q fun i q very l0~ order.
Mex haxlag sbe hamox q tteSs hs Sab
s1sgted a disyr4oss&l e-osnls,lness-
ths miserable .ziek q pattlng - : coat
sit IL sAe b4cz. 4H2 then taFalng zrouna
- that the 4E1iencs co4Id see ia
Soke' Ne sould advise htD nos u sv-
pear again IN paslle. ~ least R0s until hs
lesrns ths dlGsrence between respeet2-
6le hunor and disrepgt4tle t-iekery."
may live to oe "a aushsrity "a Eooas
and early frosts-elsy oe referred T. Is
''one Of or Oldest lnhzbitants,V clreuul-
stances m4y t0eoe me 10 commit roo berry
~ steal hog thzt wears tusk Ike /.
rsaping hook bug ne esnditi0n. u mat
ters not hoe severe, can ever compel ne
. reat aa0tber sa2ilos tai coat
OPfE T. Ran
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15

a clovsr-sed cclt and that a pug-noss
fellow from over The creek squealed iiks
q pesch-orrhard shose-
Tasrsdav afternoon went With ~
friend - 4et The coss 4 have enc
stsked oat thss will just &c you- - said
he y bs~s snvared - this bnsi iaess
- often shst caa loox a. coat and
EEL II s wBi Ct Lees "a In here
We ven. Ia Or. yes, the elerk bad
TIE very coat; xnev ls xaslarva enough.
hpd been uada For BIG fcEow taas
terturcd a. evclorRrrN dont shsnk
that more aisreputs6ie lcol1inx piecs
- cloth conii have bcen tlspi sJei On
the lsr,sl triea piece - fannei-caks
vas heid ln place II a dzuh of maple
sirup The ccas lad evi4snsly been
present sf a welding treak tast
"uh. a Hssle benUns Wi4 axe that
~. said she clerk-
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15

well, perhaps you can settle this
matter for me. What are the relative
values of the Jack rose, the shad roes.
the moonlight rows and the bald-headed
rows?n-The Jury.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
A Poser.

"You arc a member of the debating
club, aren't you?"
eyes"
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15

"A captain In a regiment was asked
why no was SO bald He replied tho
DUKE OF York being presently: "By
junior officers stepping over my head"
The Duke immediately promoted him.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
Jones' RevepUr
happened

Muggins-Funniest thing happened
the other day-Jones was trying TO
make his mule drink out Of bucket,
when the animal kicked him.
Cobb-Ah, then did Jones kick the
mule?
Muggins-No, he kicked the bucket
Life.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
THE COAT WAS RENTED.
OD1s Read Tells Hoz = Bsz MAJ
Suffered u q Llr<le Coat
A. E1@slsa HlIa. Ho~s>s1. - Hak. .
n4Ehly AsE9siaS E1h5sxs1es ~
LA4.air "a 8ss FarsS1's
kslr1a.


haze fcresd q rent dress coat - a.
most - usuch deserving q piey -s the
E1an rL4s h4s been uu9lstly condemned
g be hanged siu give ny reasons
f0r thinning ~. several ~eeAs ago a
frieud came ~ a1s ald sad.
Look hsre, 0ld fellow. ! Am going %
give = musical eneert2lansns aad l
want you ~ help ne 0aL"
Hos can I help yoa oatT' asked
s.Ihe only ausic { ever made Nas turn
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
An Accommodating Waiter.

Gentleman (dining)-Will you bring
me some radishes, please?
Waiter-I beg pardon, sir. They are
not now in the market. But-ah-we
can serve yer 'ighness with the 'orserad-
dish.-Drake's Magazine.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
Brought Bitter Thoughts.

Inlucke-Have a game of billiards?
Harduppe-Yes; just one.
Inlucke-What shall it be-three or
four ball game?
Harduppe-Four ballsl Three balls
are too suggestive, old fellow.-Light.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
A Better Namr.

81 see," remarked Fangle, 'that .
new and powerful explosive has been
named extralite."
YES" said Cumso; "when extra
heayy would seem more appropriate. ~
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
Probably n Failure.

Smith-Jones didn't make much OF /.
success with that patent scheme of his,
did hep
Brown-No, l guess not lie still
lives in BrooklYn.
Telegram-herald., 1890-07-15
W. KEIRS T:EAD, N. D.,
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON.

Diseases Of Women aud Children. Catsrrh
and other diseases ut Nose Throat aud Lungs
"a specially. Consultation and also eXaInIna-
ti0n and fTst treatment of catarrh free
Office q Canai-si. Residence los W. Bridge
81. Ohice HOurS-9l2 a. M. - y. m.. 70 ,. m.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26
The "FloWers That Bloom

In the Spring" fragrant and fresh in their
vernal beauty, are welcome indeed after
Winters long and cherries reign. The
birds alsO with their merry roundelays, the
balmy bieezes, the running brooks, and the
far.reachng meadows robed in velvet green
all these charm every sense aud fill the
soul with gladness. But there is something
that is more welcome in Spring than flowers
and birds and breezes, running brooks and
meadows green; and that is medicine that
will gently purge and cleanse the Blood OF
the fatty and noxious impurities that have
collected in it during the winter, and leave
it pure and wholesome and in proper condi
tion for long spell. Such medicine is
Pe.ru.na, the great Blood Purifier and Tonic
Take it in time and tone your system up
1t will fortify you against the most debilitrt
ing effects OF the heat. Don't forget Man a
lin, also, for your bowels 81 4 bottle each
For sale by Ritchey & Bostick.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26
A Word With International Candid
ates.

Chattanooga Times.
1t is easy-and we might also say
it is cheap-for candidates for the
Governors Office to generalize about
what they would urge or recon-
mend or favor in the way of econo-
my and reform in our States affairs.
What the people would like to hear
from them is, how they aregoing to re-
trench expenses and bring in improv-
ed methods of administration? One
says he would use his influence to get
the high rate bonds of the State re-
funded at low rate, thus saving a
good deal of the peoples money,
We have already shown the impos.
sibility of this in the present condi.
ton of the States credit !, and at this
point the query suggests itself: How
would you, sirS, If the people put you
J in the Governors chair, advise the
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26
AND MILL SUPPLIES In GENERAL.

Legislature to set about the improv-
ing of Tennessee's financial stand
ing ? .s t
Are you, Col. Patterson are you,
Farmer Baxter; are you, Mr.. Buch-
anan, in favor of abolishing the
wasteful system of county admins
tration?
Would you, any or all of you, rec
ommend that the County Court be re-
placed by County Board of three or
five, and thus save hundred thous-
and a year of the peoples money?
What have you to say of the scam
dalous waste of revenue to support
swarms of 'squires, OF the tens of
thousands these men draw from the
Treasury in the shape of fees in
trumped.up cases? Would-you re-
form that abuse or try to modify it?
What about the policy of thorough
inspection of every treasurer's and
other fiduciary officers books and
cash every quarter? Do you all fa-
vOr that? Are you for some better
regulations for insuring the collec-
ton Of privilege taxes to the end
that the delinquencies, that now run
from SIS, 900 10 $50, 200 a year, be re-
duced?
The credit of Tennessee can be i'm
proved and her expenses reduced by
business methods in her manage
ment. We need no additional taxa
ton; what is wanted is collection of
the taxes now laid, and less tax-eat-
ing by buns; less tax waste by neg
lect less tax stealing by thieves.
Are you prepared, gentlemen cam
didates for Governor, to champion
this sort of reform, and ifso will you
propose specific plans of reformation?
and will you lay your plans before
the people?
Once upon time, gentlemen,
there was an old lady who had Slip
ped her mental cable and was slight
ly at sea in her upper story--a bit de-
mented. Being harmless and high
ly connected she went everywhere
unmolested, especially to church,
though she would sometimes "speak
out in meetin' :" One Sunday eve-
ming Mother Barry wandered into
the Methodist sanctuary; it was a
season of "telling experiences" and
making voluntary confessions.
Brother Fox had the floor, and as the
old sister arrived half way down
the aisle she heard him say in a
voice full of cOntrite tears: II am a
miserable, an awful sinner" eyes,
yes" broke in mother Barry, 1--WE
all know that, Brother Fox; tell ~
something ne,o;" and she sat down
with the air of one conscious of a du
ty well done.
The moral, gentlemen, is in the
application ont. The people know
all they care to know about the Blail
bill, the tariff, the internal taxes, civ
il service and the rest; and if they
were in ignorance, what you nigh
think about them is of no account
since as State officers you can d,
nothing to change or modify thos
matters. Tell us something definite
about your proposed State policy
and in doing that you will be "tell
ing something new" for the sover
eigns have not heard from a candid
ate for Governor on these points il
, 10, these many years!
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26

the highest Office which the world
has to bestow; your party was SUI
preme in the control of both houses of
Congress and of the Executive; ev-
erything promised prosperous and
useful Administrator in which you,
by simply adhering TO the pledges
under which you were elected, might
earn another term from the conf
dence and gratitude of the people.
The only cloud upon the political
horizon was your acceptance of a
Postmaster General at Mr.. Quay's
dictation, ostensibly as reward for
services performed during the cam
vass. That cloud, then no larger
than a mans hand, has spread till it
covers the armament.
Look back now and reflect upon
your work. You have sedulously de-
voted yourself to the distribution of
patronage !" you have turned out
nearly forty thousand Democratic
Office helders, and in this ignoble
business you have filled vacancies
thus made by giving recognition"
to the worst element in the party.
You have thus degraded it TO the
lowest level, till it no longer deserves
or enjoys the public confidence, and
its interest, as well as that of the ma
ton, demands its publication by de-
feat.
The elections of last november
were warning that Inc people would
not tolerate your methods. You
have refused to heed the lesson, and
the elections of next November will
emphasize it. The narrow Republi-
can majority in the lower House will
be swept away, and your path for the
latter half of your Administration
will be path of thorns. You have
rewarded the magnificent majority OF
$4,000 given to you by Pennsylvania
by riveting upon her the chains OF
Quayism. You need not wonder
that disaffection is spreading rapidly
throughout her borders in a manner
that may render even her allegiance
doubtful. The outlook for 1892 is
even darker. Were the Presidential
election to take place tomorrow there
could scarce be doubt of Democratic
success. Let me counsel you, Mr.
President, as friend, to reflect that
this has been your work in one short
year of misused power.
If this retrospectiOn should bring
with it repentance and amendment
you still have before you three
years which may be fruitful for good
Bear in mind that "faithful are the
wounds of a friend, but the kisses o.
the enemy are deceitful." Discard
the advisers who are Turing you tC
your downfall. Recognize that the
truest political expediency lies in the
application of conscience to public at:
fairs, and that you can serve YOU
party best by stimulating the noblel
aspirations OF the nation, rather thar
by pandering to the baser appetitel
of spoilsmen.
Cease to expect to gather figs O
thistles or to touch pitch without de
Element. Apply to your public du,
ties the high standard of morality t.
which you adhere in your private
life. Remember that evil can give
birth only to evil and that you a
Chief Magistrate ofsixty-five millions
of freemen, have on your soul {
charge for which you must reckon t.
posterity and to God.
1 am Mr.. President, your Obedien
servant. HENRY CHARLES LEA.
Philadelphia, April 8, 1890.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26
Do Not Suffer ANY Longer.

Knowing that a cough can be
checked in a day, and the first stages
of consumption broken in week, we
hereby guarantee DIR. Acker's Eng
lish Cough Remedy, and will refund
the money to all who buy, take il as
per directions, and do not find our
statement correct. Sold by w. H.
Fleming. l
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26

Itch, Mango, and Scratches on hui
man or animals cured in 30 minutes
by Woolford's Sanitary Lotion. This
never fails. Sold by Ritchey & BOs-
tick, Druggists, McMinnville. tebS-3m
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26
TO-DAY.
BY SUSAN COOLIDGE,

BY SUSAN COOLIDGE.
Oh, life 1t is sad and strange,
And love ii is deaf and blind,
And the shapes Of sorrow aud change
Are always pressing behindl
II the tender impulse stay,
1t is nipped by the frost of fate,-
So make haste to be kind today,
For tomorrow may be too latel
The eyes that crave for our smile,
Or the ears for our kindly word,
May be closed in little while,
And our loudest cries unheard,
Time mocks at our cold delay;
Death waits not, though we wait;
So make haste to be kind today,
Tomorrow may be too late!
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26

Needing a tonic. or children that want building
IN. SHOULD take
F~O-z-N'S sfsOE BVTTERS.
It's pleasant Il, Jake, cures Malaria, lndiges-
ton. and BilionsnesS All dealers keepiL
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1890-04-26


asket Burial
goods Tor SPECIALITY
will not be under sold by represented
" cali Oe'ore purchasing ana get prices" NIB HARWELL
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
A story Of Bismarck.

The following curious bismarck
story is just now current in political
snd social circles in Berlin. It will be
remembered that General Won Stosch was
removed from his post as chief OF the
German Admiralty after Prince Bismarck
lad accused him before the Emperor
William l., of intriguing with the Radi-
cal Liberal Party against the Chancellor,
of being an intimate friend Of the then
Crown Prince Frederick, Of speculatang
upon the old Emperor's death, and Of
aspiring to the post of Imperial Chancel-
Tor. The charges were pressed by Prince
Bismarck with a vindictiveness which to
the general public seemed inezplicable.
Now it is explained that it was due ts
superstition. When Prince Bismarck
then plain Count, was at St. Petersburg,
one Of several c~lairvoyants who were then
the rage in the Russian capital told him,
professedly without being aware Of his
identity, that he would one day be the
Gightiest man in a great empire, but would
eventually be supplanted ''by a man con-
hected with s~eafaring." suspecting
General Won stosch Of being his rival,
Bismarck forestalled him, only TO DO
supplanted by another chief of the Ad.
airalty, General Won Caprivi. Neither
friends nor enemies of Bismarck con-
slider the story incredible. GoEgnangs
Messenger.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
Curiosities Of Chemicals.

Certain substances which are deadlyin
their effects upon mar can be taken by
animals with impunity. Horses can take
large quantities of antimony, dogs of
mercury, goats of tobacco, mice Of hem-
lock and rabbits of belladonna without
injury. On the other hand, dogs and
cats are much more susceptible to the in
6uence of chloroform than man, and are
much sooner killed by it. II this in-
valuable anHsthetic had been tried first
upon animals we should probably have
W. enjoyed its blessings, as it would
have been found to be SO fatal that its
discoveries would have been afraid to test
it's effects upon human beings. Il is evil
dent, then, that an experiment upon an
animal can never be the means of any
certain deductions 90 far as man Is con
cerned. No scientist can ever know
when trying some new drug or some new
operation whether OF not when he comes
to try it upon man the effect will be the
same as that upon al animal.-nicgao
Herald.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
THE EEADY.MApR VAN.

Some sages Of Hindustan,
VI eruditical lore,
D~s.ernlned TO make a ready-made man.
which had never been done before.
Al this, you know,
Was some time ago,
IN the pre-historical yore,
90 they mixed their chemicals up
IN . tnighty porcelain bowl
Ahd they stirred them up as you'd stir m Q
CUP
VI cofree or tea, on my soul;
Made a hole in the batter
And set on a platter
With carbon and salt ia the hole,
These sages 81 Hindustan
Then poured the chemicals in,
Their phosphoric acid they poured from a
pan,
And their soda and gelatine;
With butyric acid,
To make the flesh Haccid,
And water and ereatine.
1890 N1O5 A1duC uk16 lO4h OIL q man.
~organically sound and complete,
ana they found, these sages Of Hindustan,
NC faw from his head to his feet;
And n Of their fellows
Blew air from q bellows,
And the man leaped up from his seat.
They'd made the ~ready-nade man,
But he was nrazv and wild
ne howle like a beast in a caravan,
And then he cried ike q child;
They put magnesia on
His left brain ganglien
To make him reconciiad.
And this-it made him hum
Twas whitening flame to fuel,
And they took chloride of potassium,
And mixed it in his Cruel;
Then he acted like a fool
Who had never been to school
His idiot groans were cruel.
Then carbon from the pan,
They placed beneath his crown;
Then he fought like John L. Sullivan,
And knocked the 2 down.
Then the sages Of Hindustah
They killed the readysnade man,
VINO had done them up 50 brown.
Ny moral all may scan,
It's just designed TO show
That the making of a perfect man
Is a process rather slow;
The perfect fellow
Needs time to mellow,
And plenty Of time to grow.
IS. W. Floss, in Yankee Blade.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
HUMOR OF HI DAY.

Squadron OF eYoiutlon-DarWlnites'
A chest-protector-The baggage mas.
ter's check.-Lampoon.
First Cherry-aWhy SO gloomy2'
Second C~herry-ssO, / am to be pitted."
- West Shore.
They call them cobble-stones, Freddy,
| because they are so hard on your shoe
leather.-P@ck.
IT'S there anything sweeter than q
peachan eyes. Apair. A bridal pair"
-New York Herald.
The difference between a liar and a
hypocrite is that the liar is not always in
curable.-New YorE News.
Talking Of national air, the strongest
this country is able to furnish seems to be
the cyclone.-PhiadeLphio Tines.
We are now convinced that the only
reliable ground hog is the common DO
nestle pork sausage.--New York Herald.
stone walls do not q prison make
Nor iron bars q cage
The walls are brick, the bars are steel,
In the progressive age.
Ss w t6Sktyey1UIs 0ptSf =
Cadley-aWhat is it your little boy
calls you9" Marlow-aPretty papa
Cadley-sIsn't he rather young for sar-
casm9a-Horper's Bazaar.
Young Man-aHow much money have
you saved in your bank2" Smart Youth
-ssH you give me a quarter, I will have
lust q dollar. p-Once-0- Week.
When lovely women stoop to folly,
And tries to make her daily bread,
What power can soothe her melancholy
When her husband calls il chunks Of leadf
-Tsnds Siftsngs.
An old sailor at the navy yard re-
marked that there is advantage IN
Arctic exploration. I'm the face Of the
gravest perils one can always keep cool.
Boston Herald.
There Is no particular difference be-
tween the shop girl and the salesladys
but the differences between them and the
1oor-walker are often something awful to
behold.--PucE.
tIbelieye, = cried the baseball batter,
tive a right to fame and pelf,n
So. grittfng his teeth with firm intent,
He struck out for hinassf.
philadelphia Times.
Peddler-wCan I sell you sons patent
cement sir2' Mr.. Seedie-tCementa
What do I want with cement9" Peddlei
-uWell, you look as if you YVES broke
-Bos&1s Courier.
a popular soprano is said to have .
voice of fine timber, q willowy figure
cherry lips, chestnut hair and hazel eyes.
She must have been raised in the Lumber
region.-NoyTistoaoa Herald.
a lecturer upon physical culture has
RECENTLY decided that .sthere is no rule
for the size of a perfect foot. ~ Ns.
what is the matter with q twelve inca
rulea-Boston Commercial BuNessp.
That quadruped that Mary owned
Ead 4 naurhtv style Of buttin'
The Youthful sheep damned Mary 50,
she sold the thing for mutton.
-FFMpdsv.
Farmers Wife-stIfy you viii help beat
this carpet, / viii give you something TO
eat Dirty Davidson, the Tramp
neutrality-suspicious. I'm q gentleman
/ never beat my way. "-Totedo Blsds.
.sHow,s your familya' pretty well,
thank vou.o aAny Of your daughters
married vetY, aNo, and ] can't under
stand why they don't go of; they use
powder enough, goodness knows
Boston Courier
One day, when Senator Evarts was
Secretary Of State, he was entering the
elevator at the department to go to ms
ofsee. and looking around OF the crowd
Of passengers, remarked aThis e the
LARGEST collection for foreign missions
fhat I ever saw taken up n-Argoa0af.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
nra AZ the Higgest or Bovks.

ThegBritish Government has issued one
of liz largest literary works Of the times.
This Ii the report of the scientific results
81 The voyage vi the Challenger. Il has
eost up to this period, including the sums
Votsd for scientific work IA connectionI
win the expedition since The voyage wa
nonkemplated. iii least $40, 00O, and
sales of tie thirty-six volumes issued havs
brought ii only about 890, 600
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02
Progress.

tits very important in this age Of vast mate
rial progress that a remedy be pleasing to the
taste and to the eye, easily taken, acceptable
to the stomach and healthy in It's nature and
effects. Possessing these qualities, Syrup of
Figs Is the one perfect laxative and most gen.
tie diuretie known.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

A Jackson County (w. va.) school
teacher of thirty the other day eloped
with and was married to one of her pupils
of Gae ulatl1ra aoa of sixteen wears.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

FITS stopped free by Dr.. KIINE's GREAT
NERVE REsToRER. No Fits after first days
use. Marvellous cures. Treatise and 90 trial
bottle free. DIR. Kline, 93I Arch st., Phila. Pa.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

asiassa ealcuzsFe that tbs weight Ill
'a'saes closely packed sxert i
',':s q aag=1ve pounds per superb
Asss snon ghs dooz.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

S <. Coburn, Mgr, Clarie Scott, writes
tI find Halls Catarrh Cure a valuable
remedy" Druggists sell it, 75c.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

A mat likes to have good neighbors wins
he must love his neighbor as himself.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

The Prince of Wales ordered sixes
dozen pairs of gloves recently.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

Two youths of Napoleon. Mich. won
. wager By each eating FIVE pounds of
heney at one sitting.
The Opelousas courier., 1890-08-02

Entire freedom from injurious drugs
makes "Tansill's Punch" DC. Cigars most
noDllar