The Roanoke times. [volume] (Roanoke, Va.) 1890-1895, 1890-12-07
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

--Easternor lin far Western store)-
Got any necktiesp" Proprietor (mysti-
)-"Um-or-what sort-silk, calico
or hcmp?"-Good News
We know what the girl who never
thinks talks about. Now we would like
to find out what the girl who nover talks
thinks about Globe.
-Flora--"Who is that fat, awkward
woman who doesn't seom to know what
to do with her hands and feet?" Nora
30, that's Mrs. Hustler, tho eminent
teacher OF 'Delsarte. '"-America.
II haven't had an outing for two
years. complained Mrs. Jaysmith.
That's too bad" replied her husband,
alphabetically. Ell look at tho ad-
vertisements and sec il there isn't a
free excursion to salo of lots you can
go to to-day. -lIarpcr's Bazar.
The velocity OF light has been meas
ured and recorded, but tho rapidity with
which woman can scatter bad news
over neighborhood is still matter OF
guesswork. -Ram's Horn.
Lady Guest-"I leave this house in
an hour" Clerk-"ls there any thing
wrong, madam Lady Guest Wrong!
We'll, should say so. Why, tho next
room and mine are connected by door,
and you havo actually stopped up tho
keYholc. IN. Y. sun.
"A Laudablc Desire. --Wife-"Dear.
dear! What can YOU DO dropping oil on
your best coat for?" IIusband-"I
bought Il bottle of stuff to-day to take
out grease stains with, and wanted to
sec if it was any good. Clothier and
Furnishcr.
Isn't Jones Christian Scientist
a believer in tho faith curc?" ale is"
us it true that he wouldn't have doc
tor for his wife the other day when she
was sick?" at is quite true well,
saw doctor go into his house just
now" Oh, that's all right. He's sick
now himself Cape Cod Item.
An crratic old gentleman in New
York recently went honco and left a
large fortune 10 he expended in teach
ing people to eat with their forks. Had
he left one-half the sum to provide
something for them to practice on, his
memory as a benefactor would have
lasted longer. Rams Horn
Cousin Tom Ito Lizzie. who, with
the rest of the family, has just returned
from the country -"Arcn't you glad to
get back to the city? should think
you would be all Lonesome in that sleepy
town. Lizzio-"O no. We got ac-
quainted rapidly, and had several
lovers, to boot" Cousin Toni should
think your father would havo attended
to that Boston Herald
-Travers-"Say, old man, great
scheme. Am going to London You
order what clothes YOU want. Same
height, same breadth. buy them.
Bring 'cm back. Good fit. Cheap. Eh?r
Dashaway splendid. I'll mako out
my order at once. Whom you get back,
III pay you Travers-"You will. ell?
VOL, Id like to know how you expect
me to get over thcre?"- Clothicr and
Furnishcr.
Mr.. Mushroom-'T wish you would
sond one o. those invites to old Slsec
scks and his wife" Mrs. Mushroom
What, Thorn vulgar Skeosicks?
won't do it" Mr. Mushroom-'Of
course, they amt so blamed cultured:
but they can study up little" Mrs
Mushroom heavens sake, Jcrc-
miah! You'll be wanting mo to ask our
fathers and mothers here next"
-Dollic Smuggling quite close to his
watch chain)-"What have you in that
locket?' Chollio-"A postage stamp"
Dollie-"Goosie! What postage stamp?"
Chollie-"The ono on your last love-lot-
ter. detached it carefully. 1t touched
your moist rod lips. 1t often touches
minc." Dollie-"You dreadful follow!
I'm so sorry" Chollic-" Sorry. Why"
Dollio--" Because moistened that
stamp by pressing it or Fido's dear,
damp nose" Pittsburgh Bulletin.