davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
The Funny Man.

~A~s
Who is the man who sits and bites
His pen with aspect solemn
He is the funny man, who writes 80
The weekly comic column.
By day he scarce can keep awake,
At night he cannot rest;
His meals he hardly dares to take
He jests, he can't digest.
His hair, though not with years, is white,
His cheek is wan and pale,
And all with seeking, day and night,
For Jokes that are not stale.
His joys are few; the chiefest ono
Is when, by luck, word
Suggests to him a novel pun
His readers haven't heard.
And when Yankee joke he sees
In some old Rockwell then
Perhaps he gains moments ease
And makes it do again.
The thought that chiefly makes him sigh
Is that a time must come
When jokes extinct ik1 mammoths lie,
And jokers must be dumb.
When every quip to death is done,
And every crank is told;
When men have printed every pun,
And every joke is old.
When naught in heaven, or earth, or sea
Has not been turned to chair,
AMI not single oddly
Is left to make us laugh.
-Harper's Magazine.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Alligator skin has become so fashion.
able that the huge, unwieldy sauriaL
threatens to follow the buffalo and be
come exterminated. But note on what
a slender thread hang everlasting things
Gators eat muskrats, and muskrats ca,
crops If the alligator is exterminated
the muskrat will multiply like the jack
rabbit in Australia, and eat the farmer
out of house and home. The police jury
of Plaquemine, La, have therefore pro-
hibited the killing of alligators in that
parish.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
The Sliding Scale.

Mr.. Shortpurse-Is see you are advertising
cheap summer suits at five dollars up.
Dealer-Yes sir. Five dollars up. Now,
here is something 1 am sure you will like
handsome, durable and well cut, only $33
"But the five dollar'-
eyes, sir. Look at this suit, sir, only S29.
1.-THE five dollar suits l would''-
"Ab, yes. Want something cheaper.
Here is an elegant suit for S27; think of
that"
"But the five dol''-
"And here is one for $685.
t'But the five''-
<'Or, we can let you have this for SOL"
'"But the''-
''Here's something cheap, only 49,"
"See here! Iwant to see those five dollar
suits.'
GA gentleman like you surely wouldn't
want to wear five dollar suit
eff you have such thing I'd like to see
it,.
81 see l have made mistake. Jim, show
this Teller them slopshop rags. New York
Weekly
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
&c Would Bet ON Anything.

Talking about betting men," said an
owner of racehorses uptown the other
evening, leaning back against tho bar, his
elbows on the railing, ''some of the fellows
down in Kentucky lay over any ever met.
Why, there's man in one of the towns in
the Bluegrass region who would rather
bet than-well, 1 came near saying see
a horse race. The major would not
only bet heavily on horse races, elections
and poker games, but also on whether he
would meet red headed girl in the course
of the afternoon, or any such trivial occur
renee. His veins were full of sporting
blood, and a bet would have to be dead
Open-and-shut' indeed if he refused to make
it.
Il recOllect one time party of us were
sitting in livery stable, which is the great
loafing place in Kentucky, when somebody
remarked that there would be an eclipse of
the moon the following night.
How do you knows? asked the major.
Why the newspaper says so, and gives
the exact hour and minute when the eclipse
will begin
@'The majors education was not his
strongest point, and he was particularly
weak on astronomy, so he began to argue
that no newspaper fellow could tell what
the moon was going to do. His friend tried
to explain how the exact time of an eclipse
was calculated, but to no purpose. and
finally in disgust said:
"'Fll bet you a thousand to one the news
papers right
"'Hll take you,' was the reply; shall it
be in hundreds!'
'"The man didn't want to rob the major,
but merely to teach him lesson he made
the bet in tens $4,000 to $40 that there
would be an eclipse Of the moon the follow
ing night at the given hour. Of course the
major lost and when somebody reproved
him for betting against certainty he
said
"'Good gracious, man, look at the odds
I'd bet that the sun isn't going to rise to-
morrow if 1 got good enough odds. ~
New York Tribune
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
WHY He Took 1T.

Editor Ito associatee why did you &C
cept this spring poem?
Associate-Well, sir, the blamed poet
(for who does not blame him? walkedfn
here with that poem in one hand and re-
volver in the other, and said must take
the poem or something worse. 1 told him
I didn't wish anything worse than the
poem and took that-West Shore.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
When Doctors Disagree.

DIR. Hocus uffly)-Madam, there is alb
.solutely no hope. Your child will die.
DR.. Pocus (kindly)-I quite agree with
all that DIR. Hocus has said, but, with care
full nursing, think the child will probably
live.
DIR. Bolus (timidly)-I am entirely in ac-
cord with DR.. Hocus and DR.. Pocus, and 1
Il think-the- child-will-tha is to say
will neither live nor die.-Harvard Lam
poOn.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Arecent Washington dispatch remarks
that the legislative appropriation bill in
the house would be disposed of prompt
ly, since the previous question has been
ordered on its passage. Here is oppor-
tunity for youthful debating societies to
acquire bit of useful information, In
finding out what the previous question
is and what is the effect Of it.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Mrs. Emily Crawford, the famous Paris
correspondent of London Truth, writes tc
her paper of Minister and Mrs. Reid {
ball: II never was at any. court bal
where there was finer blaze of jewelry.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
RiYeted His Attention.

Wiggins-Looks as though we've had
rain
Higgins-Looks! Snakes alive, man.
Pm drenched to the skin and so are YOU
Wiggins-That SO? didn't notice it. ]
was down the street here watching an ex-
pressman trying to get his mule out of the
hole-Omaha World-Herald
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

A scientific gentleman who las been
trying electricity on dogs with view of
discovering how its action affects the
animal organism, finds that the fatal re-
suit is brought about by the action of
electricity within the actual substance
of the heart
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

The remarkable longevity Of insured
persons and war veterans pensioned
widows has just been proved anew in
the celebration of the 1O3d birthday of
Mrs. Betsey Averill, of Washington,
Conn. the Oldest pensioner of the United
States
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
Wedding Accompaniment.

Edith-How does marriage certificate
begin, Mrs. Plusher?
Mrs. Plusher-I don't remember exactly,
but think the first words are 'Know all
men by these presents. "-Munsey's Weekly.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

The Treasury statement for May
shows contraction in the currency
OF $6,S0O,OOO,22. just when this
will be returned to the channels of
business depends entirely upon the
individual notion OF: the Secretary.
II in his wisdom he decides to with
draw similar sum during the present
month it will doubtless show in the
next statement. II on the contrary
he chooses to anticipate the interest
on some outstanding bonds to help
Wall street out of a squeeze or aid
the banks in some other manner he.
may conclude to let it loose The
amount OF currency among the peo-
pie at present depends quite largely
upon the condition of the Secretary's,
liver.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
Succinct Advice.

Snodgrass-Here's column of advice on
GLOW to Get Strong," when two words
would have answered.
Snively-What are they?
SnOdgrass - Don't battle. - Yenowine's
News
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

The terrors of his last two trips among
the man eaters of Africa have turned
even Stanley's mustache snow white.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
Out of Labels.

"Ive brought you box of cigars,
George, dear'
"Thank you, love. Are they Havanas?''
mo, dear. asked for Havanas, but the
man said he hadn't any Havana labels on
hand. BOSTON Courier.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Fairmont Sentinel Mr.. Donnellv
has done more than all Others, com
bined to build up farmers organiza-
lions in this state and any alliance
or antimonopoly meeting Of import
ance would be incomplete without his
presence. Mr.. Hall can i'll afford to
to make war upon SO brilliant man
as the Sage OF Nininger.' and by so
doing cripples the cause Of which he
is chief officer.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Free traders are watching
interest the case Of Hon. D.
Butterworth. They believe he is under
conviction They hope ere long to join
hands above him and sing, Another
sinner down! Glory hallelujah!"
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
Back and forth flows the tide of theor

Back and forth flows the tide Of theory
as to the ultimate atoms Of matter. Once
it was thought matter was all one sub
stance. Then, as time went on, sixty
different original elements We're supposed
to be discovered, and the number was
gradually increased till none could pre-
dict where it would stop. Now chem
lists not a few are tending back to the
old belief that all the different substances
are one original, universal matter in diff
ferent stages Of cooling. Perhaps the
next step will be to deny the existence
of matter at all, along with Bishop Berk-
ely and the mind cure people
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
Grant Co, Herald:


Monday evening, about 6 o'clock,
the town was thrown into a state Of
intense excitement by the report
that train was seen approaching
over the $500" road. Some We're
disposed to Jest at the matter, as at
a scene which had become a chest
nut. On investigation, however, the
report was found to be true, and a
large and curious crowd congregated
at the depot to see the strange sight,
and secure souvenirs OF the event.
1t is said that at Barrett the people
took to the woods, and at Hoffman,
further down the road, the inhabi-
ants are still lying low and hiding in
the long grass. The train in question
was an expedition fitted out to ex-
plore the western end OF the road,
and it is understood that the suits
now pending in the district court to
compel the company to take down
their signs "look out for the cars"
will be withdrawn
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

that tariff.
Great is Mckinley! and greater
are our congressman! Crown the
quintarchy-that's hog-latin, and
means 1.-THE five Minnesota patriots
who voted for the Mckinley bill"
And yet the old party will renomin-
ate every one of them! Don't or
ganize a new party-it will hurt some
body.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
The Color Line.

The Roman Catholic Archbishop Ire
land, of st. Paul, not long since preached
a sermon to a colored congregation at
Washington in which he used this Ian
guage:
A man shows narrOwneSs of mind and acts
unworthily of his humanity by refusing any priv
lege to his fellow man because he is colored
Every prejudice entertained, every breach of JUS
tce and charity against Fellow citizen because
of color, is stain flung on the banner of our lib
erty that floats over U.S. No hall, no parlor, is
worthy of existence where a man is excluded Or
driven to corner because of his color
Wherein The New Orleans Times
Democrat comments as follows:
We say in the name of the people of the south
that these social equality sentiments are viewed
with adherence by the vast majority of white
southerners. In this section we HOLLAND we say
it with thorough respect for eminent eccesiastics
that distinct line of color has been fixed by
nature herself to divide the two races which
mainly constitute the population; and that, in at
tempting to do away with that color line, those
who preach the equality theory are opening the
way to race decentralization which will confound
society, destroy white civilization and land us in
a general Hayti like debauchery and barbarism.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

1t is said that the Farmers Ali
ance has saved the farmers OF America
S., 100000 in Irvine, 50 100000 on
bagging,. and it is claimed that
through the operations of the Ali
ance Exchange discounts have been
secured that will make the. amount
saved byfarmers $4,000, 900, annu-
ally.-Chattanooga Alliance.
When the gang that.calls itself the
government of the United States
loans 100000 of money raked
in from overtaxed farmers and bust,
ness. men to the national bankers
without usury or interest, and the
bankers loan it out, through conf
Dental agents, to struggling farmers
in the West at per cent. a month
we don't see why the government"
does not organize more completely
to enslave labor.-Exehange.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Mrs Callow Hill-Don't you admire Mrs.
Foyle's diamonds?
Miss Sardonyx with the family GRIM
Oh, yes; fairly dote on pastry.-Jewelers'
Weekly
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

duOlClOIIdl 10
with zoe. extra
forsecond class is twice
and that for first-class o.
thet bird. On express trains 5O(
cent is added to all fares. u
So in Austria a man can travel
one hundred miles for 66c.-two-
thirds of a cent a mile. The Iowa
Legislature thinks two cents a mile
too low, and refused to legislature
for it, while the blank despotism of
Austria gives transportation for two
thirds of a cent mile.
The public debt statement for may
shows an increase in the money
prison of six million OF dollars. May
list it stood $712,OOO,O0O; on June
LIST $71s, 100000, OF this enormous
sum through all the tricks of hiding,
the Secretary reports net cash in the
Treasury only 1886, 9O1, 791.S5. He
could not inventany pretext for
holding this, so he calls it met. >
Iowa Tribune.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27
News.

Dukenbeck (from his perch)-This sus-
pense is horriblel If the bull would only
come out where could see him should
feel better-Life.
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Preston Republican:
Census taking in Pennsylvania is
revealing some OF the disgusting fea-
lures of the labor Importation that
degrades American labor. Mr.. Ash
ley, census supervisor of the fifth dis
trict, has informed Superintendent
Porter that the Hungarians> Poles
and large number of Italians en-
ployed in Lackawanna, Luzerne and
Carbon counties refuse to give any
account OF themselves even through
interpreters; that many OF them are
designated by their employers by
numbers. each one wearing his num-
Der on his person and answering to
it and, if SO Instructed, he proposes
to take account OF such men by their
numbers. The superintendent replies
that the census Office will not help to
perpetuate state OF affairs wherein
laborers are treated more like beasts
of burden than men, but instructs
the supervisor to employ enough
enumeratiors and interpreters ia
thoroughly CANVASS these people and
get the information required. The
condition OF labor in this country is
becoming more and more disgusting
Iowa Tribune:
RAILROAD FARES IN AUSTRIA.
The Austrian government, which
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Iowa Tribune:
RAILROAD FARES IN AUSTRIA.
The Austrian government, which
owns it's railroads, has adopted as
The great West. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1889-18??, 1890-06-27

Who is the man who sits and bites
His pen with aspect solemn
He is the funny man, who writes
The weekly comic column.
Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1890-09-09
Horses RalClGd.

Iwant to get 100 head IT horses or
mules to ranch duri"g next winter.
Nv ranch is located on Marsh creek, i,
u Cassia county, one mile hrlow
Marsh Lake, is 'i~wn IN the warm
,ailey. aud c,n>ists ., 6 70 acr all
under good, tight frnc-, OF which 100
acres are in lucern-, clover, and IN
"thy. have pI "ty OF sheds and
.tahi. for owl 100 head of stock.
and 300 tons of hay l" the stack
| will winter horses, and receive and
deliver them in either krtchnm,
HALEY or Bellevue, and guarantee to
retur" tn m in good con ii,'o" i" the
spring, for $3.50 per head.
| have the best ranch i" Ca-sla
county, with plenty OF warm sp''ng
water all winter.
For further particulars, aid'->s
j. W. LAMOR Aux.
Albion, Ca>sia t'ou"ty.
HALEY, lDAno. Aug %, $780,
Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1890-09-09
ELECTION NOTICE,

EIEUllVN NUllUE,
In pursuance Of ths. Proclamation o
His ExcelIe"cs Geo. L. Sl.oul, tn.
Governor Of Idaho, and in compIi
anc~ with law:
| Notice 10 here hy given that q gensrs, election
will BE- held all the 81 ctlop pr~ciuc,s in Attn.
rss County on
WEDNESDAY. OCTOBER lsr, 1890.
said election to b. conducted in accordance with
the laws of the Territory II Idaho
And the following Ia LIST OF THE VOTING
PRE.lNCTS snd PLACE OF vOTI>G G and the
NAMES or RE t.SrRAR% app tinted by the
Board Of County C"nmirs, oners OF Al,,uas
Count! At Ih-r rsulss ju,y N. citing OF said
Board, to- wit:
oswtoosh Prec'nct. Registrar. F. G. Psrks
Voting Place. ..Ps,ks's store.
aalem Precinct. Registrar ". H. Davisou
Voting Place. .Murrs,'s Hotel.
rss rsp''"s. ING. 0'Fe1 ..Res.,r.r. M,ch.el Carey
Voting Place. ..Mrs. Hsbtshaw's Hotel.
Sm"ay Precinct. Registrar. J. p. McCarter
Voting Place.. King Of the West Hotel.
Aesshum Precinct ..... Registrar. Geo. P. Hodson
Voting Place. .Aewn,sn's Once.
East Fork rrecinct. ...... Registrar. v. Domski
Voting Place. near s HSs,h n% lhS":t s:.. Min.
Era Precinct Registrar, A. J. Hun
Voting Place. .Fsryuson's Dwelling.
Island Precinct. ........ Registrar. VIM Matthews
Voting Place. SchoOlhouse.
Arco Precinct.......-... Registrar. Geo. E. Ferris
Voting Place. ..Arco Store.
antelope Precinct Registrar, wm TAYLOR |
Voting Place. :. .Schoolhouse.
haley Prec'n't .-..... Registrar. W. 8. Mack |
Voting Place. Courthouse,
Muldoon Precinct. Registrar. J. W. Ballentine
Voting Place. .Ballentine's House.
Deer Cree Precinct .. Re Pist, sr, j. a. RnRgold
Voting tlsce.. Bolton Hot 81 rings Hotel
Bullion Precinct ..... Registrar. Geo. Bronaugh
Voting Plsce. :. .Msrks's St..re
Martin Precinct ...... r. gistrar, samuel Martin
Voting Place. MsrttL P.elCfi,e
'uttercup Precinct .... Registrar, M D. Rosstter
Voting Place. Butt. rcup Boarding House.
Boulder Precinot....... II. g,strsr, A. J. Murdoch
Voting Place. ..Cphir Mime Boarding ouse.
The Registrars are required by law to keep their
face open Il the rtgstls stion OF the name. Of ali
eeai electors on all Saturdays pr. c+dtng the elec-
Ion. commencing on saturday. August 23d
By order of tue Boar'l Of County Commissioners.
l. W. GARRETT, Clerk,
Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1890-09-09

AT PUBLIC AUCTION!
Sale Of a Well-1mproved Ranch, Imple-
ments. Horses. Dairy Stock,
Cattle, Etc., Etc.
Notice is hereby given that, on
THURSDAY, SEPT. 25, 1890,
will be sold at Public Auction, without re-
serve, at my ranch, up Quigley Gulch, just
THREE MILES from HALEY, the following:
RANCH Of substantial, brand.new
RAM' HOUSE
This ranch fr oeO, O,"'so of hay per nnnum ~ p
Of A -four g" large American drn
pl"w, pair good sleigh b"s an" '"" %|s'sneos. NIX n ' ~o
Also, forty t4o) tons of this hay.
The sale will begin at 10 o'clock a. m.
TERMS: The personal property will be
sold for SPOT CASH only; the realty for PART
CASH balance on three years. time, at Z per
cent. per annum
The ranch can be visited at any time.
For further particulars, apply to
DAVID EARHART,
Indian chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1882-1902, 1890-06-05

mistake had made dawned upon me.
Now you know the cause of my stupid
priggish words of this morning. | will
not ask you to forgive me; can never
forgive myself tho needless suffering
have caused you.
But Katharine did not look very an
cry What load was lifted from hei
heart by his wordsl Ii was almost worth
while TO have endured the pain to ex.
perience this sweet and blessed relief
She looked at him and smiled as he
stood before her with hand outstretche
as in farewell.
Before you vanish into outer dark
ness she said, dreamlly, 81 should
like You to fulfill your promise to read
my manuscript"
katharine, do you really mean to
allow me to read it after this?'
Certainly. asked your opinion, and
still want it. think may count safely
on getting your true one she added,
mischievously.
AS she gave him the manuscript he
took her hands and held them.
katharine" he said, "who could have
foreseen this ending to such a day?
Three hours ago ! thought the sun could
never shine for me again; but the clouds
have lifted, and the blessed light
streams through and gives new life to a
hope"
The portieres opened and little Mrs.
Amman hustled into the library
'Ah, Mr.. Mackenzie, gvvh vvs~i~s
Did you ever know any thing so sudden
as the change in the weather to-night?r
Never" said Mack onzie, feryently
and, looking into Katharine's radiant
eyes, nor so delightful. " Francis NJ.
Livingston. in Lippincotts.
Indian chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1882-1902, 1890-06-05
THE POWER OF MUSIC.
II Charms Not Only the Savage Breast.
But Animals AS Well.

But Animals as Well.
The influence Of music on animals
birds and reptiles has often been
noticed, but upon no species Of the
brute creation have its charms been
more surprisingly illustrated than in
the horse. This was noticed in Jobs
time (xxxix. 2l-95), and the description
given of the effect OF the blare Of
trumpets and the war.cries Of armed
hosts is most graphic:
"Iie paweth in the valley and re-
joiceth in his strength; for he goeth on
to meet the armed men. lie mocketh
at fear. and is not aifrighted neither
turneth he back from the sword. The
Quiyer mttleth against him. the glitter
ing spear and the shield He swal-
loweth the ground with ierceness and
rage; neither belieyeth he that 1t is the
sound of the trumpet He saith among
the trumpets, Hal hal and he smelleth
the battle afar of, the thunder of the
captains, ard the shouting
A writer in Popular Science Monthly
recalls the fine description OF the ef-
feet of another kind OF music, from
Shakespeare's Merchant OF Venice"
For do but note a wild and wanton herd
or race Of youthful and unhandled colts
Fetching mad bounds, believing and neighing
LOUD.
Which is the hot condition Of their blood;
II they but hear perchance a trumpet sound,
Or any air OF music touch their ears.
You shall perceive them make mutual stand.
Their savage eyes turned 70 a modest gaze,
BY the sweet power OF musicn
How horses respond 10 the bugle-call
has often been noticed, and, in war
times, the touching instances OF this
fact add pathetic interest to the reports
OF bloody battles 1t is recorded that
on the evening after one Of the fercest
encounters between the French and
German forces, in their last war,
when the trumpet sounded for the roll
call Of the Life Guards, more than
three hundred riderless horses, some Of
them wounded and hobbling on three
legs, answered the well-known signal
and mustered with the remnant OF their
regiment Christian at Work.