The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1890-03-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

philadelphia Inquirer.
If the world is stage we suppose it
is the sea that takes the heavy roles
Biasghaaatoaa Republican.
Harry-"Are you singing in the
choir nowpn Howard-''No, l have
joined the church. "-Kedr7aey Enter
prise.
The men of average capacity and
more than average industry accomplish
most of the work in 1ife.-Hartford Re
ligtous Herald.
The man who picks up wire on the
street is quite likely to get hold of some
thing that will cure him of the grip
Scranton Truth.
1t is the small things that annoy one.
A famine of cents is felt more than a
scarcity of ten thousand dollar bills
Pttts6urg Chronicle.
1t is a sad reflection on human nature
that almost any crooked transaction
can be squared by good round sum-
Baltimore american.
An actress who was desirous of pro-
ducing new play called it Fine CUT
because she wanted some one to back
her, Washington Star.
1T must have been dreadfully hard
to wear those old coats of armor."
"Yes; they have the appearance of hard
ware. .''-Harper's Bazar.
A man is very like a buckwheht cake
in this weather. He is disinclined to
rise, aud when he does is sour and
heavy.-Detroit Free Press.
There are two reasons why some peo-
pie don't mind their own business One
is that they haven't any mind; the 9th
er, that they haven't any business
HARVARD Ldnapoon.
.'You are the twentieth in the class,
Hans. That means you are at the very
foot?' "Wel, papa, how can l help it
if there are no more boys in the CLASP"
-Flegende Btatter.
Silberstein Ito dock laborer, who has
rescued him Ivy you not know pet
ter as to pull me out of de water py der
heels undt make me lose a kvarter out
of my pocket. Thine.
First Renter-.I understand BIG flats
don't pay in New York City?" Second
Renter confidently off there,
my boy. It's the biggest flats that do
ay."-W Washington Star.
Kluks-t'I consider Jinkles one of
LuG SIGdG6Sb SIdJ0SI10H Ill Tile COuQITV.
Gluks-''Great Scott! man, what are
you thinking of? He isn't worth dol
lar. Minneapolis Journal.
''Three kinds of juries figure promi-
nently in trials now," remarked Nc
Corkle. what are they?n asked Nc
Craekle. Grand jury, petit jury, and
perjury. Harper's Bazar.
He-'I am thinking of embracing a
literary life" Shelf do not doubt
that the life will be a very happy one
if you-if you should treat it the way
you spoke of. f.''-Ierre Haute Erpress.
When you meet man and ask him
how he feels, if he doesn't stop to think
he always says First rate" If he stops
to think a minute he will always begin
to unfold some tale of fwoe.-SonaerUitLe
Journal.
Lassie-"Ye dinna tell me, mem,
that's the first psalm David ever wrote?''
Farmers Wife-''The vairy first, Eel
i'm Lassie-'Deed, mem, it's nae a
bad ane for first shot. t.'-PaH Mall
Gazette.
Fair Young Creature (after some
recitations)-''Doy you think I would
do for a Juliet?" Manager (anxious
not to hurt feelings)-''U 'Um-er-well,
you'd look very pretty in the tomb. y
N. Y. Weekly.
81 don't think it's exactly right for
Patti to come here every year and ad-
vertise it as her farewell tour mot
fair? Why, it's extremely honest, I
should say Doesn't she fare Well?"-
N. 7. Herald.
Scribbler-esThe man who calls bal.
let dancers costume dress has the inn
agination of a poet Bibbler-.Why
SOP" Scribbler-''He gives to airy
nothing local habitation and name.
Philadelphia Press.
Young Medical Student Ito his sweet
heart)-'tDo you know, Julia, that the
human heart is equal to the lifting of
12O pounds every twenty-four hoursP"
Julia (demurely)-''Well, that's just
my weight. Grand Rapids Nea0s.
Jaggs -''Wen, I see you've broken
your resolution in the good, old-fash-
ioned way" Baggs-''Yep. but it
wasn't altogether my fault. The wealth
er has been so warm. you know, that
quirer.
Miss McFlimsey (who wants to get a
pair of gloves for a male friend)-
Have you any gentlemen's gloves?n
New Clerk (glancing at her hand)-
mo, miss; but think I can find la
dies size that will fit you.n-N. 7.
Weekly.
Antiquarian Bore-''Now, do you
think Cleopatra really killed herself
with an aspP" Business Man (rudely)
mo, of course not. Most likely, while
in search of youth and beauty, she tried
somebody's Elixir of Life '"-N 7.
Weekly.
andlady-Mercy! Something dread
fuIs going to happen. For thirteen to
dine at table is bad sign, you know.
Fogg Creassuringly)-"O Ordinarily, yes;
but then, you know, in our house one
can hardly call it dining. Boston
Transcript.
Johnny Binks-'.Pa, is ivory very ex-
pensiveP" Binks-''Very." THE pure,
white kind costs more than other kinds,
doesn't itP'' No, my son; the white is
dollar, the red two dollars, and the
blue five dol-O, yes, guess it doesr'
N 7. San.
eff you want to see man." said his
wife as he rose from his seat, 'scan't
you stay here and see him if you use
the opera-glasses? ''They are not
strong enough, ne objected. 81 can
get better glasses outside" and he van
ished.-Nea0 York Herald.
''The crowned head is a foul blot
upon society,"" thundered the orator.
What are Kings good for, anyway"
''Ive known four of them to pay my
board for month";" said Curtis, but
the orator thundered on and needed
him not.-Phitadelphda Inquirer.
Simeral-'Did you hear about Cos
ling, Cumso?" Cumso-s.No; what's
the matterp" Simeral-''He was ar
rested for kissing a Boston girl; but he
escaped fine" CumsoS''How did
he manager" Simeral-"He pleaded
temporary insanity, "-Munseys Week.
ly.
Great Statesman Ito married daugh-
teD-':My dear, your husband will
never amount to anything if you don't
spur him on. Why don't you persuade
49, - ,-o ;a4o