davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28

davs when commercial license is often
carried to the utmost possible length.
An individual living in the Department
of the Aveyron, struck by the high
price at which mushrooms were being
sold in his district, conceived the idea
of fabricating the delicacy out of
turnips. He cut the turmps into
rounds, dried them, and after giving
them a dab with the paint brush, DIS
posed of them to unsuspectlng Gus
toners as the genuine article.
For some time he drove thriving
trade, but unluckily for him he one
dav sold batch to a gourmet who was
not SO easily to be taken in. indignant
at the trick played on him the gourmet
brought an action which has just resulted
in the condemnation of the mushroom
manufacturer to two months imprlson-
ment. 1t was in vain that he pleaded
that he had enabled his fellow citizens
to regale themselves on a vegetable
which they regarded as a good specimen
of the mushroom at a cost far below
that commanded by the real art1c e.
Vain, too, were his efforts to demon
strate that his mushrooms could be con-
sumed without entailing disastrous con
sequences on lovers of the delicacy.
The Court turned deaf ear to his
specious arguments, and has allowed
him two months leisure to mediate on
the error of substituting the dried tur-
nips for honest mushrooms.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
How Doctors Deceive.

4 Chicago druggist says that two
thirds of the prescriptions given by
physicians are as harmless as bubbles.
When a person calls doctor he expects
that he is going to be treated. If the
doctor doesn't dose him he thinks the
physician doesn't understand his bust
ness, and calls in another one. The
doctor understands this and gives this
imaginary sick man ma something that will
women. We know doctors with a ere
gular line" of patients, who derive a
good income by simply catering to their
caprices, and writing for them prescrip-
tons that are of no more use than SO
MANY bread pills would be.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
The Husbands Part.
From the Christian Union.


The home ought to be a harbor of
rest, but if the wife ought to make it
SO for the husband, none the less ought
the husband to make it SO for the wife.
If she should greet him with restful
presence, he should bring to her Il
cheerful one. The man who holds his
umbrella over himself, and leaves his
wife to take the drippings, is boor; but
that is what not a few of us husbands do
in summing under shelter rom all house
hold cares and leaving our wives to
take the pitiless rain of pelting per-
plexities.
1t is said of Gov. jewell that when he
was carving on his shoulders the bur-
dens of great business and all the po-
litical anxieties of a great presidential
campaign, he always brought to his
home a bright face and CHEEKY word,
and a seemingly light heart; so that
care flew out of the window when he
entered the door. In this, as in all
other phases of life, unselfishness is the
truest and best service of self.
The man who takes best care Of his
wife finds in that very act the best
refuge from the singing cares of his
own business. The wife ought always
to feel the load lifted off her shoulders
when her husband crosses the threshold
in the evening. But she does not al
ways. Sometimes it even settles down
upon her shoulders heavier than be-
fore. What say you, gentlemen?
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Dignity Without Profit.

From the New York Commercial Advertiser.
To preside over the Senate is one OF
the least profitable and least interesting
occupations a public man can have, es-
peciallv when he has not the right to
vote but only to sit as a tigurehead-a
symbol of authority. The dignity OF
the position, of course, makes it one
that any American citizen would be
glad to occupy, but it is seldom the de-
sire of either the president or the
president pro TEN. to occupy the char
at all times during the session. For IN
instance, if a speech is to be delivered
the presiding officer has nothing to do
but to sit in the chair and try to appear
to pay attention and keep himself from
going to sleep. Ingalls,, it is said, used
to stick pins in his legs now and then on
such occasions, when he felt himself get
ting drowsy. 1t is customary, how
ever, when anything particularly
dreary is on the programme, for
the presiding officer to cali upon
some member to act as his substitute IN
the chair. The elder men understand
very well that they are being made a
convenience of, when called to preside
in this way, and they are not usually
fattered by the distinction, but. the new
senator IS apt to be a ready victim for
the sacrifice. The other day there was
a particularly dreary session, droning
speech being made with no prospect of
early termination, and only about half
a dozen senators were in their seats.
A drowsy spirit settled on the eyellds OF
the President, and he looked
anxiously on the floor for someone
whom he might call to axe the chair.
Every time his eyes rested upon those
of a senator he knew there was look
of intelligence flashed back at him that
said plainly enough that he had better
not apply there. Finally his attention
was directed to Senator Moody, and
with sudden great joy he beckoned to
that gentlemen. Mr.. Moody came for
ward with alacrity, and the V.ice-p!lreisi-
dent very blandly asked him if he
would preside over the Senate in his
absence Moody presided, and actually
kept wide awake with an expression OF
delight encircling his countenance dur
ing the session. Since then he has been
so elevated that he is quite out of the
reach of all of his old associates.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
"Blaek Dogs at Midnight"
From the \. y. Ledger.

Not always is sleep tired natures
sweet restorer.' Sometimes, instead of
a balm, it brings bugaboo in the shape
of the nightmare. Man is a wonderful
piece of work, but his machinery may be
thrown out of gear and set a-whlzzing
bv so slight thing as late supper. An
indigestible Welsh rarebit at IL P. NJ. may
result in big suffocating black dog
across his chest at | o'clock in the morn
ing; an overplus of oaf-pastry, which his
gastric juices cannot conveniently asSlm-
iIate, may precipitate him from a precl-
pice in dreamland into a bottomless
abyss; or a surfeit of pate de foi grds send
him to Morphean gallows, there to en-
dure all the tOrtureS of actual strangula-
ton. This sort of thing, by the way, is
only one remove from apoplexy, and
the incubus-ridden victim Of inordlnate
and untimely self-indulgence is likely
enough to be at last bestridden in his
sleep by q nightmare too strong for his
Vitallty-eVen death.
The term nightmare is supposed to
have been derived from Mara, the name
Scandinavian mythology, pounced upon
men in their sleep, and held the will In
thralldom. The old SaXons called the
distemper EJ-side,u1e or elf-squatting.
With the doctors it is Ephiales, from a
mythic giant of that name who under
took to climb to heaven, but, missing
his foothold, tumbled into the fathom-
less depths. Most Of us have probably
been convulsed in our sleep WITH the
same sort Of horror which the tripped-
up Titan is tabled to have experienced
during his "lofty fall' from the celestial
battlements. There can be little doubt
that many of the spectres of the dark
ages were Maras begotten of indiges
ton. Your Saxon gormandiZer. who
sometimes feasted far into the night on
boar's flesh and venison pasty, washing
them down with frothy mead, must have
gone to bed with his stomach in a nice
condition No wonder that of the in
ternal fermentation, caused by such
stuffing and swilling, hObgoblins and
hippogriffs in endless variety were
born. The surest way to avoid the
nightmare and procure that sound,
healthful repose with which each days
life should be rounded off, is to live
temporarily, regularly, and honestly.
Ay, honestly, for a troubled conscience,
as we'll as an over-laden diaphragm,
NAV engender evil dreams.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
A Policeman on the Skull Question
From the New York Tribune.


"Most people don't understand how
tough a mans skull really is. They
think that blow which draws blood is
sure to result fatally, and every time a
policeman is compelled to use force on
a prisoner everybody who sees the at
fair calls it an Outrage, 'unprovoked
brutality and SO or. Why, q recolleot-
once how big fellow who had been
drinking pretty heavily came near get
ting me into trouble He was disorder
ly in the street, and | started to take
him to the station-house. He was sui
len.
"'You've got to haul me if you want
me- he said, and braced his $50 pounds
of flesh for a struggle. | gave him a
pull, and he let Inc have one In the eye
with his fist, flooring me. | was up i'll a
minute and playing a tattoo on his
head He had the thickest skull | ever
had the pleasure Of rapping, and it took
half dozen sound blows to overcome
him. When did get through with him
he was bleeding like slaughtered hog,
and the crowd that had gathered began
to abuse ne in the heartiest way.
"'You've killed him. said one, and
half a dozen swore they would report
me to the commissioners. The excite
ment rose so high that | thought | was
going to be mobbed, and | really was
afraid that [ had given my man fatal
wound. | managed to get him to the
station-house, where his head was
dressed, and the next morning he was
all right except for few bruises. tie
was iii good humor in the police court,
took his fine like man, and said l gave
him no more than he deserved"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Butter in England.

From The London DaIIY News.
Normandy butter is losing its footing
in our markets. Between 1892 and 1887
the annual export to England fell OFT by,
nearly 32,NO,OOOf. That the cause OF
this declineis the fraudulent adultera-
ZION Of the article is admitted by syn
dictate of butter merchants Of Northern
France, who have recently issued az
appeal to their countrymen to en-
,deavor to 5avert this disaster to the
trade. The fraudulent admixture Of
oleomargarine is said to be extensively
practiced atCaen, notwithstanding spe-
cial laws lately enacted on the subject.
The syndicate referred to propose that
the butter-1hake shall be compelled to
inpart to THE fatty substances used as
substitutes for butter some coloring
matter, so that its presence may at once
be apparentIto the eve.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
THE FUNNY MAN.

Who Is the man who sits and bites
His pen with aspect solemn?
He is the funny man, who writes
The weekly comic column.
BY day he scarce can keep awake
AT night he cannot rest;
His meals he hardly dares to take
He gests, he can't digest.
His hair, though not with years, IS white.
His cheek is wan and pale,
And all for seeking, day and night,
For jokes that are not stale.
His joys are few: the chiefest one
Iswhen by luck, word
Suggests to him a novel pun
His readers haven't heard.
And when Yankee joke he sees
In some old Rockwell then
Perhaps he gains moment ease,
And makes it do again.
The thought that chiefly makes him sigh
Is that a time must come
When Jokes extinct like mammoths lie,
And jokers must be dumb.
When every quip to death is done,
And every crank is told;
When men have printed every pun,
And every joke is old.
When naught in heaven, on earth or sea,
Has not been turned to chat,
And not single odd1ty
Is left to make us laugh.
-Hd1per's Magazine.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28

advertising is considerably greater than
the wages She could earn, audit goes on
month after month as regular as the is
sue of the paper. All sorts of letters
have been addressed to her offering
her r good places, etc, but it is impossi-
lected by a man whose face would
probably be recognized at police head
quarters, and she sometimes has hun
dred or more answers in day. Sew
eral attempts by newspaper reporters
to find out what the advertisement
means have failed.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
erin Go Bragh."
From the Century.

War cries. meant originally to keep
the fighting men aware Of the place of
their own elan III battle or when scat
tered in the woods and hills. came down
to the baronial period, and were used
by the Angly-Norman mobiles out OF the
consideration for their Gaelic retainers.
The commonest shout was some name
of famous place ortamous man with the
addition "aboo," word we'll fitted for
the cIamor of band of fighters, being
at once more musical and less Wearylng
to the voice than our "hurrah." The
Kildare retainers cried ''Crom aboo -
in honor of Crom Castle, citadel in
Limerick County, originally a strong.
hold of the O'Donovans, which one OF
the instrusiye Geraldine families, named
after the town of Kildare, occupied
while turning Irish. The O'Neills
cried out, .'Lawv darcy, aboon,' because
the Lawv darcy, or Red Hand, was the
badge of the family and elan. The
O'Briens cried "Lawv Ladder y or
"Daudir aboo - or Strong Hand
aboo ~ The translator of Godfrey
Keating's "History of Ireland suggests
as the meaning of taboo" the Irish
word "booa," victory; but analogy
would point rather to "boa," C'beo-
tha,"( lively, awake, spirited when
Taboo" would be an exclamation like the
French alerte and vive! A parallel in
Irish is the well-known erin go bra ~
erin till Judgment day!' where Ego
bra -forever-implies the same idea
of living which the word "beotha" ac-
tually contains, since the latter is the
Celtic equivalent of Greek bios. ''4a-
bu ~ is the exclamation of Tartar horse
men when urging their steeds forward.
While on this topic it may be interest
ing to note that this Irish word, or it's
Welsh equivalent, "yu byw," corrupted
to"boo" and "boh," is found in our
colloquial expression, "He doesn't dare
say boo to GOOSE" in other words, he
is too cowardly to sound his war cry in
the presence Of the most peaceful Of
creatures.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Suicides in Japan.
From Public Opinion.

According to a recent Japanese return
it appears that the great majority of
persons committing suicide in Japan are
over fifty years of age. Next on the
list in respect Of numbers comes the
suicide Of persons living between twenty
and thirty years of age. Of these the
greater part turn their backs on the
world in consequence of disappointed
love. For suicides of all ages July is the
favorite month. During the period of
six years, from 1883 to 1888 inclusive,
the number of suicides in the month of
July ranged from 800 to 800, while the
number during the remainder of the
year averaged from 200 to 800 only. A
characteristic Jap 1ese suicide occurred
last year at the a..-Jus shrines at Nikko.
An old lady of 80 went thither in
August. Her circumstances were good !;
she had two sons in official positions
and her home in Toxic was comfortable
and happy. She spent two days at Nix
ko, visiting the various temples and
places of note, and seemed bright and
contented. Butat daylight on the third
morning she was found with her throat
cut before little shrine at the back Of
the Temple of Iyemitsu. From her
satchel the police took a paper, wherein
was set forth, briefly but plainly, the
motive of her suicide. It was very sim
pie; she had loved Nikko and wished to
die among its sacred groves. At herage
the probability of being able to return
there appeared remote. Therefore she
avaaed herself of the present opportu-
nitv, and with kind farewell to those left
behind made her exit.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
put Them On in Open 60
From HE kansas Gin MINES.

From the Kansas City Times
Jnstice Holt was IN a critical frame of
mind recently when the case of K. ii.
Hill against Revan Sugarmap came up
for trial Sugarman is & Tailor near
Eleventh Street and Broadway, and
some time ago Hill had him make
nair of trousers for him. When the
garment was completed, however, Hill
Claimed it was not fit, though he took
Il away with him and brought his suit
for damages. Hill was eloquent in cry
ING the tailor's incompetency IN his
work.
.sWhv, your Honor" he said to the
court. 'sthe pants were SO tight tor me
could not wear them; | just wish you
could see them on me and | know you
would give me a judgmenYlmmedlate-
ly." a,o5 .,o
Judge.
eyes, sir, here they are in this bum
de-" answered Hill, predicting a bum
die
"I.et me see Them" saiq the Court,
reaching over. Hill handed the Judge
the bundle, and His Honor unrolled it,
exposing a very gaudy pair OF spring
pantaloons. The Court caught hold of
each leg and held them Np and sur
veved them critically. Finally he
threw them back to Hill, saying:
'Put them on"
What? said Hill, fright now-put
them on in cOurt?'
"That is what | ordered, answered
the COurt.
HIPS eyes stuck out, and he looked
as though his ears had deceived him;
but, after looking at the trousers
thoughtfully for a momett, he COM
menced to doff his neither garments.
The loungers in the court room were
immensely amused by this time, and
fairly arose in their seats with expect
ancy. When Hill finally pot his trout
sers off and stepped out in front Of thu
court a howl Of delight went up. HiN
looked confused for q moment, bug
commenced putting on the new, gar{
ment, when the court told him to hurry
up. Finally the trousers were on ana
securely buttoned up.
"NoW," said the court, "stOop oven
and let me see where they don't tit.
Hill stopped, and then paraded uI5
and down before the bench at I'LL
courts order. &8
"You see, Judge" said Sugarm4
"when he ordered that garment he II
not bring enough goods, and had
the best could. If he wanted
ded skirt he ought to have Z4%
more cloth"
''Those pants are all right"
court, "and | find for the defer
Hill, you keep them on, and
costs Of the suit" IN
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Double Men.
From the New York Ledger


There are people IN the world who
seem to live, If we may so express 1t, a
double life, and to have, each one of
them, two distinct and often antagonistic
characters. Some of these double men
premeditatedly carry two faces under
one hood; others do so unconsciously.
We know individuals of lamb-like coun-
tenance and demeanor, who are essen
TALLY vulpine or worse. Behind their
lamb wizards Turk the features of beasts
of prey Outwardly they seem to be-
long to the herbivora; 'inwardly they
are ravening wolves
On the other hand, there are thou
sands of double men who have no sus-
Mr.. Bottomry Bond, for instance, of the
great shipping house of Bond & Char
ter. Money-making Bond, the man of
habit, in his counting-house, is not a bit
like Bond, the hospitable, whole-souled
fellow you meet in his own house up
town. The former is short-spoken,
peremptory, despotic parsonage, who
inspires his employees with fear and
dread; whose talk is of freights, mani
tests, bills of lading, marine insurance,
and the like. But when business hours
are over, that Bond disappears, and a
very different sort of man jumps into
the BOND carnage ana drives nome.
Arrived there, he kisses Mrs. B., tickles
the children, and cheers the whole
household with his jovial voice and
beaming smile.
His wife, never having been in the
great gloomy warehouse of the firm
downtown, knows nothing of the surly
Bond that makes it gloomier with his
grimness from 10 to 3. That saturnine,
long headed. yioilant schemer, with all
his unsocial habitudes, is non est, and
will be seen no more until he meets his
amiable double at the counting house
door, the next morning, and blots him
out as thunder-cloud might blot out,
for the time being, the pleasant sun
light,
This double nature, or, rather,
double character, resulting from the al
ternate supremacy of nature and habit,
is a curious anomaly. We leave the
Neutrality-suspicious. to account for it.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
A Horses SenseQf ne
From the Turf, Field and r

"A horse will leave musty 80,
touched in his bin, however hunSqyli
He will not drink of water Objectionable
to his questioning sniff, or from bucket
which some odor makes offensive, how
ever thirsty. His intelligent nostril will
widen, CULVER and query over the dain-
test bit offered by the faitest of hands,
with coaxings that would make mortal
shut his eyes and swallow a nauseous
mouthful at gulp. A mare is never
satisfied 10y either sight or Whinny that
her colt is really her own until she has
certified nasal certificate to the fact
A blind horse, now living, will not allow
the approach Of any stranger without
showing signs of anger not safely to be
disregarded. The distinction is evident
ly made by his sense of smell, and at a
considerable distance. Blind horses, as
a rule, will gallop wildly about a pasture
without striking the surrounding fence.
The sense of smell informs them Of it's
proximity. Others will, when loosened
from the stable, go direct to the gate or
bars opened to their accustomed feed
ing grounds, and when desiring to re-
turn, after hours of careless wandering,
will distinguish one outlet and patiently
await it's opening. The odor of that par
ticular partof the fence is their pilot to,
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
HIS WIFE.

Her face was hideous nightmare,
With a crown of the reddest ofFed hair,
While her height lowered up into mlu air,
she was frightfullv spare and tall.
Her mind was at times quite e2kltlc,
Her actions were coarse ana pane
Her speech was severe and en- lc,
But-her money was topmo an
Vic
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
W. is the Mysterious Norwegian.

The small mystery of the Norwegian
advertisement goes on with time. Ey-
erv day for many months an advertise
ment has appeared steadily in promi-
nent New York paper which states that
a Norwegian who is thorough cook
and housekeeper is looking for employ
ment, and can give the best of reference
as TO character and ability. A number
of men who watch the papers carefully
have written to this mysterious advertis-
er, but they have not succeeded in find
ing out who she is. The amount of her
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Diplomas to Graduates.

Principal Thomas, of the Milwaukee
Academy, gave the members of the
graduating class a reception, last even
ing, at his home on Biddle Street.
Diplomas were presented to the follow
ing graduates: Walter A. Marling
Fred. Hoffman, Morgan H. Stafford,
Charles Henry George, Edward A.
Magic, Lawrence Yates, Gilbert Allis,
Milton Mack, George S. McLaren, VIM.
H. Salmon. During the evening, Prof
Thomas was presented with handsome
set of George Eliot's works.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
Red Shirts.
Windsor Locks letter to Springfield Mass.
ReDublican

NIlusOT LOCKS bpTlngIeId MaSS.)
Republican.
No more red shirts will be allowed
upon the workmen employed in re-
pairing the river bridge. One of
these this week succeeded in stopping
an express train of fifteen cars. The
laborer stood back turned between the
sleepers up to his waist His head bent
over, and his arms protruding had the
effect of a danger signal.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28

QUEEN VICTORIA, having completed the
fifty-third year of her reign, has now
reigned longer than any English mon
arch, excepting Henry ILL.,; George
Ills sixty years on the throne being
left unconsidered, as it was SO inter
rupted with regencies.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28

J. W. WATSON, one of the authors of
Beautiful Snow has just died in New
York.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1890-06-28
.Hu1nor of the Census.

From The Boston TRANSCRIPT.
The census-taking reminds me Of an
old story that is forgotten by people
words: