Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-06-21
"BlCKWOoDS BELLIES.
ANOTHER SPICY CHAPTER FROM THE
LAKEPORT CYNIC.
the Editor and Promises Him
"a PAST
LAKEpoRT. June 10 Use


Hey there, Mr.. Editor Did you think
I'd gone back on you? I'm going to let
you escort me around town to-day Me
and Jack fell out the other day when we
were out on the excursion given by the
members of the Chatauqua Circle, SO you
can be my beau. You see, we came home
by moonlight, and everybody was feeling
very romantic, when certain young fell
low, who wears very light suit, made q
pretty little speech to me. Jack overheard
it, and the first opportunity he got he told
me it wasn't nice for me to listen to such
fattery Nice, indeed Just as if he never
had made pretty speeches! Now there is a
slight Arctic atmosphere between u.s. but
he'll thaw out in little while and be as
torrid as ever.
Warm weather is at our heels and old
Sol is grinning his delight at our discom.
fort. l s'pose where you live you never
have anything disagreeable to contend with
like heat, dust, gnats and gossip. OF
course / don't mean TO insinuate that peo-
pie in our dear little town gossip No, in
deed they don't but if you ever come to
Lakeport to live or stay any length of time
you will want nice little story attached to
you. If you haven't one you must get one
for we sll have them. 1t is one of the
necessary attributes of full fedged society
lady or gentleman here. Even our minis.
tiers have mysterious paste; our teachers
and editors are not exempt, and our Off
cials don't mention it'll their past is
shade darker than the Black Hole of Cal.
cutta. There is no telling what they have
not been guilty of.
But let us proceed with our promenade.
Did you ask me what killed all those trees
in and around the Court house square?
Well, I'll tell you. Our officials did that,
in mud daubing each other. They leaned
up against the trees while they were going
through the process, and it Just took away
their breath, and they killed, not the off,
cials, but the trees. Our officials never
wilt. They don't have time. They have
to hold up the Courthouse walls and the
fence, and sustain each others regulations.
Do you see those four men sitting on
that dry goods box? You see one wears
plug hat. They are carving out the future
of Lake county, and are at the same time
ornamenting the sidewalks and their shirt
fronts with tobacco juice. They are men
of leisure. and will provide you with a
past, if you haven't one. If you have, you
may be sure it is receiving their undivided
attention. They are afraid the street cor
ners and dry goods boxes might get lonely
If it wasn't for them; SO they may be seen
daily, jack knife in hand, quid in mouth.
carving away assiduously at the patient
boxes. They each have nice little wife,
who support their respective dariings,
while they, with an interrogation point in
each eye, ogle every woman who passes
with unparalleled impudence.
That young lady across the street is one
of our most unsophsticated dsmsels. She
has just passed her fiftieth year, and has
the misfortune to fail in love with every
STRIPPING from fifteen to twenty-five. Only
month ago she was madly in love with
Browns son, and threw her poor old rat
ting bones into Freddie's tender arms and
begged him TO take her, but Freddie
couldn't see it; so now she's casting her
green eyes around her for a new victim.
Did you say you would rather go home
because there is so mnch dust? Never
mind the dust; you'll get used to it if you
stay here long. We all swallow dust and
eat gnats, and pretend we like them. l
don't want you TO go home yet ! want
you to see and be seen a little more and
tomorrow I'll tell you the verdict pro-
nounced upon you. You must be pre-.
pared to meet your fate in whatever shape
1t comes. The wise sages will have wife
Tor you in every State in the Union, or
they II point you out as an absconder from
Milpitas, or say you cut the throat of your
brother, or poisoned your mother-in- law,
or ran off with the wife of your bootback.
At any rate, before you are many hours
older you'll wonder whether you are the
editor Of the SUNDAY UNION or some other
unexpectedly conclude you are the other
fellow.
There comes JACK; don't you think he's
cute :" and won't he be blessing You in
pretty strong terms TO himself Poor
Jack he and pa have some great times.
Jack is Republican and pals Democrat
Jack is Native Son and pa is Piker, and
have to sit between two fires and fan both
ways.
Pa is getting real thin and gaunt. looking
signing for dear old Pike, which | fear he
. never will see again. He's made us prom
Use TO send his corpse back to Missouri if it
is his fate to die in Lakeport, and reckon
ma will see that it is done. Au revoir.
n n