Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-06-22
liable ground hog is the common domestic


liable ground hog is the common domestic
pork sausage-Neo York Herald.
He-"Why, what makes you SO tired p
She-"Pve just finished reading an article
on physical exercise. ."-Munseys Weekly.
"Say, mamma, how much am 1 worth p
"You are worth a million to me, my son. .
"Say, mamma, couldn't you advance me 2(
cents ?"-Isme
Hackman-9Is the doctor at home ?'
Bridget-"Yes, sir; he's out in the back
yard killing chicken" Hackman-"Call
i'm in, Pve got bigger game."-Puck.
Fair woman doesn't hate the men. oh no;
That scarcely chimes in with her plan,
But had she her way there wouldn't be
Philadelphia Times.
Psychologists say that the older man
grows the smaller his brain becomes This
explains why the old man knows nothing
and the young one everything.-Boston
Courier.
Scroggs- Porkenchippe seems to
have hard work to keep the wolf from the
door, Groggs-'I fear it is not the wolf
but the tiger he needs to shun."- Harrard
Lampoon.
Peddler-"Can I sell you some patent
cement, sirw Mr.. Seedie-"Cement? ?
What do want with cement?" Peddler
-"Well, you look as if you was broke"-
Boston Courier.
An eating-house keeper has been fined
$40 for chalking his sidewalk. This ought
to be lesson to restorators to put their
chalk in the milk, where it belongs
Boston Transcript.
Mr.. Guzzleton (going out)-"You
needn't sit up for me tonight, Maria"
Mrs. Guzzleton-@No; suppose you can
do all the setting up that is needed your
self."-Ieras Sytings.
Joblot-'I have found a restaurant
where man can eat onions and go into
society" Golightly-"Where's that ?"
Joblot-"Around the corner. The bill
takes your breath away."-LopeH MaH.
'Is your husband very generous MANI"
'Indeed he is. You remember those nice
cigars l gave him for birthday present :?
Well. he smoked only one and gave the
others away to his friends. The Epoch
A Western paper says the best paying
thing the farmer can engage in is raising
winter apples. If ne has good luck in
raising apples he may follow it up by rails
ing mortgages = Wilmington (N. c. Star.
A case was recently tried in Argyleshire
which originated in dispute about pair
of trousers. Upon this occasion the Judge
observed that it was the first time he had
ever known a suit made out of a pair of
breeches.
Meteorologist =" "Why, sir, weather
prophets were known in the time of Julius
Cesar" Historian -'Well, history re-
peats itself. In those days they were
called 'augurs;" nowadays they are con-
sidered bores."
Rev. Mr.. Tillinghast-"Not quarreling,
| hope, children Tommy-"Oh, no.
We're just having tableaux." Mr.. Till
inghast-"What does this one represent %
Tommy-"Mamma asking papa for a
check" ."-Puck.
She (rapturously) )-"Oh, what is more
enjoyable, more productive of ecstatic bliss
than walk on a moonlight night" He
(slyly)-"I don't know, unless it's walk
on night when there is no moon."-
Laurence American.
'There is good deal of fun made about
physicians" said the doctor to his wife;
"but what would people do if there were
nonew "Yes, indeed" said the wife:
''what would they do? They would die
without their id."-Bostoa Courier.
"This room is very Close" remarked the
guest to the head waiter, "can't / have
little fresh air?' The well-drilled autom-
atom raised his voice to a high pitch.
'One airp he yells, after a pause, adding,
'let it be fresh p'-American Grocer. "
Lady customer (angrily)-"I believe
there is water in your milk, sir" Honest
milkman-"Yes, madam, there is. have
on several occasions urged the cows to be
more careful, but they insist that it is i'm
possible to make milk without water"
Wife-"Who will mend your old clothes
when am dead and gomez" Husband
'Nobody will mend them, because won't
wear any old clothes when you are dead
and gone. Then Pll have money enough
to buy new clothes, so don't worry about
tina" t."-Isras SJtings.
"You see those two men coming down
the street ?" "Yes" "Well, one is Jam
itor of an apartment hotel and the other is
criminal detective" "That so ?" eyes.
What a splendid musician they would
make in combination" "How do you
make that out ?" 'Why, one is familiar
with the flats and the other with the
sharps." Boston Courier.
Eastern Magnifcence.-"In Java YOU
need not be very distinguished to have a
hundred servants at your back. kept
sixty myself, and it took four to mix my
grog." "What! four servants for one glass
of grog ~ Certainly; one made the water
hot, a second put in the sugar, third
added the rum, and the fourth drank it,
for l don't take grog myself" Wiener BIZ
| derbogen.
"What is that you say? Harry mar
ried Well, Pll never believe in
of leve that man made to me p
'Well, but you threw him over. You've
been married three months" 81 don't
care. He was SO devoted to me. He
might have been decent about it. He
might have kept single for a year, any
how."-.ShefeId Neus.
Mrs. Longhed Bakstreet-"Didn't your
brother Henry's second wife have cousin
whose sister-in-law lives in Chicago?" Mr..
Longhed Bakstreet-"I think SO. Why?'
Mrs. Longhed Bakstreet-"Well, it strikes
me 'twould be good plan to find out where
she lives, and invite her to spend week
with us. Then, after the fair opens, we
can take all the children and go to Chicago
for good long visit."-Pack.
Too Late-After the wedding ceremony
a friend of the family took the father OF
the bride apart and whispered to him,
"You do not seem to be aware that your
son-in-law is over head and years in debt"
"Are you sure ?" Certain. He has only
married your daughter with the object OF
paying off his creditors" "Why did you
not mention this before?" "He owes me
five Thousand reals -Calendario Bilbaino.
A dashing foreman to tailor in Glas-
gov, dining in a mixed company, wished
TO impress those present with the immense
importance of his services to his employer.
Though | say 1t that should not say it, "
] quoth Snip, "if it was not for me our peo-
pie could not carry on their business" 81
can very well believe you," said one Of the
party; II never yet heard of the tailor
who could carry on his business without
his goose"
Young lady Cat bird store)-'Has this
parrot any accomplishments ?" Proprie-
tor-"Hc can speak little, but he's too