Daily tobacco leaf-chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1890-1895, 1890-09-19
WHAT CARLSBAD IS.
Eugene Eield's Canstic Description of the
Fnnloun Watering Place.

Eugene Fields Caustic Description of the
Famous Watering Place.
Carlsbad is a spot It is streak between
hills IN Bohemia. An ancient tradition
says that it was discovered by : cog. That
dog is now dead Hence has arisen the
saying. "They tried it on the dog"
The people of Bohemia ARE known the
world over trs wanderers. They are neces-
sarily tramps because they canpot afford
to live at home. 1t is cheaper to move.
Carlsbad ysas the last created spot on
earth 1t was made up of what was left
over. 1t rains in Carlsbad six-sevenths of
the time 1t is the most watery watering
place Oh earth. The essentials to "A sue
cessful career therein are wallet and an
disease, doctors aud ducks.
People who go to Carlsbad may be sick
ofanything When they go away they are
sick of nothing but Carlsbad The com
ing and the going illustrate respectively
the comparative and superatye degrees
of joy.
Carlsbad is constructed like the intestine
of II sand hill crane. 1t has i'm nlimentary
cana running straight through it, Every
thing else in Carlsbad is crooked.
The native Of Carlsbad has four hands,
with ten fingers to each hand Other poo
PIE 20 to Carlsbad for their health, but the
native is not there for that purpose. Ii
you take your eyes off him you are gone
Button up your coat and put your hands
in your pocket while you talk with him
Make him sign and swear to every propo
sition he makes He has got you anyway,
but do not walk into the trap with your
eyes shut Pat yourself in position to be
able to say honestly you knew it all the
time.
Every house in Carlsbad is hostelry,
and II bad one Some may be classed as
larcenics, others as highway robberies
The only difference is the degree of the
crime.
1t is II tradition that once upon time
the Goths and Vandals, tempted by rumors
of the exceeding riches of Carlsbad hotel
keepers, made an incursion, but contrived
to get away without losing much.
FrCrl America there are lAany routes tc
Carlsbad But there are only two return
routes, one the northern and the other the
southern route. You swim home by one
and skate home by the other. The marshy
character of the soil between Europe and
America renders walking impracticable.
The porter is one who poses at the en-
trance to every hotel and bows Us you 20
out or come in. He speaks lluently every
language except your language. Your
language he speaks II leedc For bowling
to you and for speaking your language a
leedle you have to pay the PORTER form
week He also has the prerogatve and
inalienable right to charge you two kreut
zers for every newspaper that comes to yon
by post.
If you kick he will simply put snafIle
on you.
The fish that swim in Carlsbad creeks
have many names but they are one If
you eat him us the trout you pay one
form; if as the SOLE seventy-fve kreutzers
If aS the ZInder, fifty kreut2ers. You
choose the name and pay your money.
The doctor is autocrat in Carlsbad What
he says must go. If you fare i'll he says it
is because you are not obeying his orders
If you fare well he says, 81 knew it would
be So" When he assures you that you are
making weight you must take it for
granted that If the scales tell you differ
entity the scales lie At any rate, you may
depend upon it that the doctor will not
suffer you to leave Carlsbad until your
wallet at least has been reduced in heft.
Then he will send you to Switzerland,
That's where the Alps are. They are very
high, but they are not SO high as things
are in Carlsbad Eugene Field in Chicago
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