davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Il AN HOLIER THAN THoU.n

Fit were not for the fear that bad results
will be the final outcome of the efforts for
a government building in this city it would
be really amusing to stand aside, as it
were, and watch the real estate patriots in
their efforts to secure the building for
some favored locality. THE HERALD wants
the federal building; that is, provided it
will be one that is worthy the city; but it
does not want a ore-horse structure as
heretofore stated time and time again. We
have no fault to find with the enterprising
real estate men VINO are offering induce
ments to have the building located where
it will aid in the advancement of their own
property, but the amusing feature of the
controversy is that those who are laboring
to have the Woman's Home turned into a
public building profess to be working in the
interests of the government. Nearly
all the efforts of the class who say 81 am
holier than thou'' will bear watching. We
suggest that the love of the public treas
ury be cast aside, and then the amusing
part of the controversy will disappear.
Gentlemen, come out and show your colors
and do YOUR best to get the building or
business principles, and you will gain the
respect of all; but there are very few per
sons who viii swallow the statement thai
it is love. pure and unselfish, for the gov
eminent, that is auimating your souls
Especially will you fail in converting tn,
average Congressman to such apropositiol
as the one which you are advocating. TINT
longer man is in Congress the less h
grows in faith as 20 the love of the averag
Yankee for the treasury of the republic
unless the drawing of pensions where non
is merited and other efforts to make tn
) treasury empty are the ways in which pee
, pie show their love for the aforesai
e. | treasrlrV
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
He Wanted Peace.

A little bald headed man with the
humblest sort of look on his face was
working at bench in a carpenter shop
on Champlain street the other day when
a big fellow came in and asked:
SIS your name John -"
ayes, sir"
"Wen, have a bill for $500 against
you from the butcher. He's tired of
sending it. You either pay now or I'll
give you a good lickingI'
''Ill pay" said the little man, and he
out with his wallet and handed over the
money.
The collector smiled and chuckled and
went away; but half an hour later he
came back and queried:
SIS your name John -
eyes, sir"
''But you are not the man I'm after.
You didn't owe the butcher"
"No, sir, never saw the butcher"
'sThen why did you payf"
''To avoid being licked, sir"
'sBut you didn't even protest"
"No, sir. 1t wouldn't have done any
good. 1t wasn't two weeks ago that my
landlady overcharged me and L pro
tested, and I'm under the doctors car
yet."-Detroit Free Press.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
COULDN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORD.
The Strange Story of Missourian Who
Wanted to Go to Bed.


Wanted to Go to Bed.
A typical Missourian appeared at the |
fremont house the other afternoon and |
asked for room. lie said his name
was John Wakely. About o'clock he
approached the clerk desk and said:
Guess I'll remain, cause I'm kinder
tired
PLEASED to have you" ratified the
clerk. whats the name? Wakely.
Oh, yes; give you No. 561-front room,
with bath; southern exposure. You can
get dinner at g."
The fellow stood like bronze for a
few moments and then took chair OPP
posite the counter. AT o'clock another
clerk came on watch, and Wakely went
to him, saying:
''My names Wakely. Guess I'll re-
main"
"Thank you, Mr. Wakely. Let's see,
561, best room on that floor, if not in the
house Just make yourself at home
here"
The man seemed dumfounded at some
thing, and he returned to his chair di-
rectly opposite the register. When the
night clerk appeared at IL o'clock the
Missourian almost ran TO the counter.
.'Pm glad they got a new boy" he
said. Tin what they call 561, and
want to remain. Do you understand
Certainly, Mr.. Wakely. 1 am going
to eat my luncheon now, but if l can dc
anything for you after that don't hest
tate to call upon me. Be pleased tC
serve you, sir"
The strange guest, after glaring at the
clerk, returned to his chair, where he die
not move until 3 a. 10. Then he was dis
turbed by a couple of LATE boisterous trav
cling men.
We've had enough fun" spoke on
of the drummers. 1--WE might as wei
retire, and
Here the man from Missouri jumped
about two feet in the air, yelling to tn
clerk: "Retirel That's the burned wor,
I've been trying to say since yesterda.
noon. 1 guess Ill retire" = Chicag
Tribune.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
THE MONKEY COMES BACK.
1t Was q Failure as a Christmas Present
and She Proposed to Change 1t.


and She Proposed to Change 1t.
She was coming down town from Harlem |
on the elevated road, and as she shared seat !
with middle aged man, she took such pre-
cautions with package that the man looked
at it with inquiry in his eye.
"I'm taking it back she explained as she
noticed his look; taking it back to the store
on Fourteenth street where l bought it. 1t
was q Christmas present TO my little nephew.
Mebbe they won't take it back, but I'm going
to try EN-"
May I inquire what it is, ma'aml" he
asked
Certainly. It's monkeys toy monkey.
When L got it 1 thought had struck it rich.
/ 1t had beautiful tail, opened and shut its
ewes, and by pulling string it would slide
| ND and down a standard | thought it just
the thing for my little nephew"
"And didn't it prove to bel"
Far from it. 1t wasn't an hour before he
had dug out the eyes, twisted off the tail and
had slid him up and down until the string
was broken Do they warrant monkeysp
81 can't say
81 think they warranted this one. If 1 re-
member right the clerk said there was moth
ing to get out OF order, no wheels to run off
the track, and that he would stand in any
climate. Look at him! Has he stoodl Is that
, the way to beat an old lady like me out OF
! sixty centsP
"He is certainly dilnpidated looking ami
NAL ma'am."
"You bet! He's the dilapidatedest looking
thing in all New York state and I've had him
laid away in the closet half the time since
Christmas They've got TO take it back. Dc
you think they'll do it without fusss"
: Perhaps"
"They'd betterl I'm going in and smile
l and speak softly at first, but if they get can
n tankerous it won't take six sassy words tC
e raise my dander. What would you ask tc
It trade it for!"
= "Well, hardly know"
V "rve sorter got my mind set on null
4 which moves his head from side to side, but
;, might take an elephant which swings hi
trunk. boy ten years old don't care muci
% for COWS and sheep. What sort of Grim
Z, would you call it-selling me monkey whic
e dilapidates in half an hourr
I ~ should call it false pretenses."
9 That's exactly what it is, and they ca
~ send man to jail for it. I'll talk soft a
" first. I've thought it all out what to say
y I'll observe that they are probably homes
50 and upright, and didn't mean to deceive mt
10 and that they will be only too glad to max
y it all right If they so back on me and b
ne gin to sass, why, I'll tell 'em what's wh'
in and give 'em the awfullest lawsuit eve
ne known on earth"
On II hope you'll come out all right, ma'arn
n he observed, as she carefully rewrapped Il
nd remains of the monkey in the newspaper.
20 Thanks I'll either come out all right I
III perish in the attempt. Pm almost certa
nc that they called it ring tailed monke
- when it didn't have the ghost of q ring, al
- that's more false pretense. On, I'll walk
III on em without tremble, and they'll eth
trot out mule or feel the roof of the sto
.b- trying to break way.n-New York Sun.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

dustries. We once more express our
pleasure that the capital of the Institution
is in a fair way to be increased and in case
it shall be decided to make the increase at
the coming meeting THE HERALD sincerely
hopes that a portion of the new capital will
be invested in extending the manufactur-
ing interests of the institution, and we 90
not doubt that our hopes will be fully
realized. SPY their fruits We shall know
them,' and as the fruits in this direction
in the past have been of the most pleasing
and satisfactory character, we can rest as
sured that there will be no change in the
future of the beneficial policy that has
been pursued in the past.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

THE TELEPHONE company would like the
people to think that it is enterprising and
progressive, and to convey this impression
frequently tells how much it is doing for
the city in the way of money expenditure.
1t occurs to US that the people viii be very
stupid if they do not know that they, and
not the telephone company, make the ex-
penditures. The company is putting in
some new poles and to pay for them an
nounces an advance of 1915 per cent. on
the present tolls.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
THE NEGROES.

Bishop TURNER, of the African church,
earnestly favors Senator BUTLER's dill for
supplying the negroes with money sufficient
to carry them to Africa. In this the bishop
seems wise, observing and far seeing
man.
The negro has been imam" in this coun-
try for quarter of a century. During all
that time he has enjoyed civil and political
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

A CURRENT rumor is to the effect that ex-
President lCLEvELAND will probably sue
coed MIR. EvARTs in the United States Sen
ate. Democratic aspirants to the presl-
dency are hoping there IS something more
than idle suggestion in the truth. Ii they
thought Mr.. CLEVELAND would accept
vigorous efforts would be put
forth to send Democratic ma
iority to the legislature. The
ambitious and the jealous should possess
their souls in peace. The country has
other uses f or GROVER CLEVELAND than to
bury him in the Senate. He belongs to
the American people, and in 1872 they
want him to lead them to victory, winning
such triumph as will discourage Republl-
cans from ever again attempting to gain
control of the republic. There are plenty
of good Democrats in New York to take
the place of Senator EvARTs, but Just at
present there is but one GROVER CLEvE-
LAND and when the country calls him Il
doesn't want to have to get the response
from the United States Senate.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Wet Weather..

De Grim-Yes, I've just returned from the
country this morning.
De Bore-Been rather wet out there the
last two or three days, hasn't it,
De Grim with serious air)-Well, l should
say so; the duck and geese had to stand on
the barbed wire fences to lay their eggs and
then hang them on the barbs to keep dry
National Weekly.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
The Dominie shows His spunk.

eve lay the corner stone of the new chapel
today"
~ suppose you'll fill it with papers and
coinsa"
'sNo; shall put in n dozen pairs of slippers
and four mince pies l received for Christ
mas. New York Sun.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
An Election Echo.

She (playfully,-Are you Hart or Galvinl
He-I am Hart.
She-I am Calvin.
He-Hart will be elected.
She-Ohl no; Calvin will be elected.
He-I would like to bet you.
She-AI right. will bet you
He-Well, then, III bet you kiss.
She-Done!
He-Donel
She-Do you want the kiss now or wait
until the bet is decided!-Boston Courier.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

ing it up and making it great; and will
work with all its ability to bring to naught
the schemes of political robbery in which
our governor, by the grace of the Presi-
dent and to the great disgust OF the
majority of the people, Is the Leading spirit.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Absent NIindedness.

Young Callow-I say, fellow, I'm in q
great hurry. Give me two pounds OF
dog biscuit.
Clarkson formerly in gents furnish
ing goods)-Yes, sir; for yourself, sir?
AMERICAN Grocer.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
What He Wanteh 1t For.

Mr.. Flippe-Is there an icicle in the re-
frigeratorl
Mrs Fhppe-Why, certainly not. What
an absurd question: What do you want of
an icicei
Mr. Flippe-To cut some ice.-Exchange.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

IT SEEMS that the public and not the tele-
phone company must pay for putting the
line into serviceable condi ton. If the
telephone people can make the public pay
their court expenses, legal battles will lose
their terrors and be matters Of amusement
for the telephone crowd.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

THE REAL estate sales in this city for the
week ended Saturday, aggregated, in
round numbers, million and a quarter
dollars, and yet the purchasing days have
not come. 1t is only the advance guard of
buyers that has arrived. In a little while
the army will come, and then what figures
will be read every day in the real estate
sale lists
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
1t Was Needed.

''Where is the drawing room?' asked
Mrs. Strukoyle, as she looked over the
architects plans.
Il thought perhaps the front and bach
parlors would Obviate'
mo, indeed; we mnst have drawing
room, for my daughter is determined ID
be an artist. "-HarDer's Bazar.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
The Title Fitted Him.

Jennie-Well, what do you think of young
Gabbelwell?
Jessie-Ee's perfect phonograph.
Jennie-A whati
Jessie-A photograph. He talks without
MISUNDERSTANDING Bulletin.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
His Mistake.

She-I dreamed last night that 1 was
the most beautiful woman in the world,
Mr. Moody.
He (stupidly thoughtless)-That's just
the way. Miss Fwawnces. don't YOU
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
The Hotel Clerks Joke.

81 am from Philadelphia" remarked Mr..
Chestnut, as he took the pen to register at
New York hotel.
"All right replied the clerk; "I'll send a
boy to your room with you to show you how
to turn off the gas. New York Sun.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

THERE ARE some good sraits in the char
acter of the young Emperor OF Germany
For instance, the other day he sentenced
lieutenant to four months Imprisonment
for cruelty to private soldier. UNCLE
SAM might with propriety take hint from
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Similar Weather,

"Did you ever see such weather as thisF"
asked gentleman Of an Irish friend, who
happened to pass.
Eyes, l have" replied Pat.
"When!"
"In June, begorra, was the witty response.
Atlanta Constitution.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
know. Gws&2ls always go by con-
twawies. Washington Star.
Not Ashamed of the Debt.

Sammy, dear, we really must go to
Finkelsteins; we owe them visit for !
don't know how long"
Dear girl, if that were the only thing
we owed them should have gone long
since Der Floh.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
A True Mistake.

Managing Editor-Mr. Maycup, you
made terrible mistake yesterday in the
late edition.
Mr.. Maycup-How, sir?
"Why, you put that item about the
creditors of young Dashaway seizing
upon his property under the wrong head
ing"
.'How was that? Under what head
ing?"
.'Under "A fast mail wrecked. LAW
renee American.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

citizen can only take notice of, and form
opinions regarding, such acts of the legis-
lative body as come Immediately under his
observation. To suppose that it is the
business of the public generally and not OF
the individual especially, is to do away
entirely with the responsibility of citizen
ship. What is .ev erybody's business is
nobody,s business. The old adage, I'm /
easy lies the head that wears CROWN"
meant to express the responsibilities OF
the monarch as much as his dangers. IL
should be applicable, so far as the response /
bility of taking an active interest in the
affairs Of government is concerned, to
every citizen of the nation. Such an IL
terest in the policy of government will
necessitate study and reflection, and will
even cause anxiety at times, but it viii be
/ amply compensated in the results which
are sure to follow the consequent education
| of the masses in the duties of citizenship.
| Let no man halloo he is safe till he is
through the wood. The duty of the citizen
does not end with merely the satisfaction
of believing that while he lives the present
order will last; it is his duty TO bequeath to
his children the heritage of liberty which
he enjoys. The bequest must not be ambigu-
Gus in terms and doubtful in matter, but
the full fruit of parents labor handed in
tact to his posterity.
Some current tendencies are constant
menace to the liberty for which our fathers
died. The promise and the practice OF the
peoples representatives are not 1nfre-
quently ludicrous parody on each other.
: Pledge breaking and the disregarding OF
party platforms and principles are becom-
ing so common as hardly to excite com
ment. The massing of large aggregates OF
wealth in single enterprises, the power OF
trusts, the menace of plutocracy, al
/ point to dangers against which the citizen
l cannot be too widely awake. Not that we
: believe the nation or even the world al
Il large is growing worse, but that our pres
e emit advanced stage of growth offers many
e facilities for subduing the people tina
Il were never before offered to those II
d power.
IL No dangers of the kind here alluded t.
d existed in the early days of the republic
n but they exist now, and the watcnful car
:? of the electors is imperatively demanded
e Nor would these dangers be at all serious
is if the people or even their representative
were wide awake to them. But many pee
m pie are content to say, "Whatever the wis
Of heads at Washington or in the legislator
N say, is good enough for me-" This yer
#. indifference has characterized th
w people of nearly all great nations
r. the past history, just previous to som
bit calamity or overthrow that has come upo
n them. Let not citizens of the great Den
e. ocratic commonwealth rest in lazy al
i fancied security so long as human natul
n remains what it Isl for just that long WI
nv there be ambitious and self seeking leade
at who will not hesitate upon proper occ
,e. sion, to overthrow the republic even,
lis theif VAIN elorlous hlaion W po"e-'
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

Mumby-Say, when two trains collide,
they call it telescope, don't they?
,Dumley-Yes; why?
Manipulating; only I was wonder
ing why they didn't call it a collideoscope.
Lawrence American.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

AN INTERESTING story comes from Wash
ington concerning the appointment OF
Lieutenant Colonel WILLIAM SMITH to be
paymaster- general of the army. Among
the senior officers of the pay department,
Lieutenant-Co Colonel SMITH was the only one
who was not an active candidate for the
office. There were several above him in
rank, among others, Colonel RODNEY
SMITH, his brother, the senior officer Of the
corps. In the interest of the appointment
of the latter, Lieutenant Colonel SMITH
visited the President and in doing so, un-
consciously paved the way for his own ap-
pointment for in pleading the cause OF his
brother, he made such favorable impress
sion on the Executive, that MILES STAN
DISH like, secured the prize ne sought fol
another.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Readx to Begin Business.

"Going to open drug store, I hear. Got
capital enought"
''Well, I've got a directory and lot of
postage stamps and I'll get the other things
together by degrees. Philadelphia Record.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Ho Was Happy.

The Rev. Dr. Primrose-Are you not
ashamed to be in class with boys SO much
smaller than yourselfl
Little Johnnie-Not much, 1 amt. can
lick every mothers son of them.-New York
C,1n
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
His Discriminating n1oIars.

Allow can you tell an old fowl from
young onea
B.-Easy enough-by the teeth.
"Teeth! Fowls have no teeth"
''No; but have From the German for
Texas Siftipgs.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
A Nice Taste.

"Here's Connecticut man just died. Papa
says he smoked more behring's in year than
any ten other men in New England"
preferred the behring's to Connecticut
cigars, supposeT'-New York Sun.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

Workingman-Give me work, and l do not
care for the rest of the world.
Tramp-Well, give me rest, and don't
care for the work of tho world.-Time.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
EancY and Fact

Lover-Don't withhold your consent on &C
count of my income, sir. can support your
daughter on S25 week.
Pater-Then you're a jim dandy. never
| could.-New York Sun.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
weather Talk.
HRamarknhle how "

"Remarkable how wet it ism
"Wouldn't it be more remarkable ii it was
dry, in this raing"-From the German in Tex
as Siftings
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Great Foresight.
S,da0

Boss-This makes the third day now that
you haven't shined my shoes.
Cuffy-Dar's no blackin' in de house, sab.
.sWhy didn't you tell me beforem
s'Bekase was afeerd you plout buy box. !"
Texas Siftings.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
]. t. DUNBAR & CO., Circulators.

Parties reDa0Uing from place to another, ana
desiring papers changed should atoGys gaeeJ0'f'er
as aUeu as present address.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

Entered at the Postofice at Salt Lake CITY,
Utah, for transmission through the mails as
cond class matter.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23
Hoods

When 1 began taking Hoods Sarsaparirla
1 was feeling real miserable, suffering
a great deal with dyspepsia, and so weak
that at times L could hardly stand. Hooked,
and had for some time, like person in con-
sumption. Hoods Sarsaparilla did me SO
much good that wonder at myself
and my friends frequently speak Of it." MRS
ELLA A. GoFF, 81 Terrace Street, Boston.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

TIE DAILY HERALD is published every morn
ing, Mondays excepted, at THE HERALD Block,
corner West Temple and First South streets,
Salt Lake City, by TEE HERALD COMPANY
Subscription price, in advance, 5000 per an
mum, post paid
TIE SEMI-WEEKLY HERALD is published every
Wednesday and Saturday morning. Price, in
advance $500 per year; six months, si.75, post
paid.
TIE SUNDAY HERALD is published every Sunday
morning. Price, in advance $3.50 per annum,
post paid.
SUBSCRIBERS Will confer favor by forwarding
information TO this office when their papers are
no promptly received. This will aid US 10 de-
termine where the fault lies.
ALL communications should be addressed to
THE HERALps
Salt Lake City. Utah,
CITY DELIVERY
By the year Invariably ia advanced ---slo-oO
By the i-oo
by the Week--------------------- 49,
LOFT
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

Never let it be said that we treat cur
painters and poets as the vlolets are re-
ferred to in the above.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-03-23

Chow was that? Under what head