The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1890-08-24
"a glass OF imported beer. sir"
.\o imporfed - said the bartender.

imported beer!'
'.Nothing but the everyday United States
beer said the bartender.
The tall man turned scornfully away ant
walked toward the door. lie stopped befor'
he reached it,
SIS IL cool Z, said he TO the saloon man.
.See them flies limpin' round on the barr
said the saloon man. The tall stranger sale
he did. Feet frosted from hoyerin' o'el
that beer" said the saloon man.
And il II served in schooners" asked
the tall man.
"Reg'Iar double deckersv' was the assur
ing reply Of the beer drawer.
The tall man returned 10 the counter aDo
told the bartender he guessed he'd take
glass, but he was afraid ii would go against
| him. The beer was drawn out, and tht
man walked TO the end Of the bar where the
lunch was.
"stars aliye!, he exclaimed. 'Crackers
and red herring Is that all you serve f0I
lunch:r
Tuesdays" replied the bartender
Come around Wednesdays for terrapin
and boiled salmon"
The dignified man looked Disguised, bul
he took two red herring and handful OF
crackers. He ordered his beer carried to
table. and walked over 10 sit down by II.
Great Cesar" he exclaimed. Don't
YOU have anything but pine-top tables and
hair bottom chairsT
"ENpectin' our marble-toD rosew0Ods in
every minute. and our plush sofies ought 10
have been in last night" said the barten-
der. ave sent 'em out 10 get 'em nickel
plated
The tall man ate his behring's and crack
ers and drank his beer, and patronlLingly
told the clerk that he might draw him
another glass. He drank that and then
| said:
IL am introducing patent memorandum
book. sir, Tor use in your business. lOu'll
find it much more convenient than the
slate"
what" said the stranger. rising with
great dignity, ''You don't keep a slate: |
suspected the character of your place from
the start, sir, but ! had no idea that 1t was
so low down a. that, sir"
And the tall man went out Of the door so
quick. that the bungstarter the bart ender
threw after him wouldn't have caught him
if it had been fired out Of gun.-Pittsburg
Dispatch.
Two of Private Aliens War Stories.
Congressman Allen, of Mississippi, never
tires of telling funny tales about the war.
Here are two:
\ Confederate soldier in a certain regi-
ment had become noted for running away
from every fight On one occasion his cap
tain found him in line as an unexpected
attack opened. Standing behind him, the
Captain drew his pistol and said:
"NOw, John, up 10 this lime you have run
from every fight. You haze disgraced your
self on all occasions. NoN, if you stir from
the line this time intend 20 shoot you dead.
| shall stand here, right Behind you, and if
YOU start to run | shall certainly Kill YOU
John heard the Captain through, and.
drawing himself up to an unusual height,
replied: o..
"Wall. Captain. you NAV shoot me If
YOU like, but I'll never give any low-liyed.
lOw-dOwn Yankee the privilege of doing it,
At MurfreesbOrO a Confederate soldier
was rushing TO the rear with all the speed
he could command. An officer hailed him,
and sneeringly inquired why he was run
ming so fast away from the Yankees. The
soldier, without stopping, yelled back:
because | can't ily.'-Gasyeston News.
Selected Laughs.
Love. | note TO my surprise.
is like the summer breeze,
Both throw dust into your eyes
And both do as they please
so this is the mint" exclaimed visi-
tor 10 one of Uncle Sans coin factories.
"Yes, Miss"
80, please won't you show me the mint
juleps have heard about"
Mrs. SUBWAY see that Venus turns
round only once year.
Sumwav-She doesn't meet many women
with new b0nnets on them.
"Ow.wow-ouch" cried Snapley. My
"Or course it is said the guide.
" You've got it on balsam pillow
Larimer-Dunap is dying 10y inches.
Cubbage-Nes: | understand he has one
foot in the grave.
ayes, Charles. have determined to give
up the muse, shall write no more
"Why. Thomas, the world will pine for the
lyrics OF your pen. And will you he so
heartlessr' eyes, Charles, MUST ! write
for fame, and what is fame! Even now the
world denies Homer the honor Of existence
and declares Shakespeare an imp0stor.
cannot. | will not subject myself 10 lneYl-
table indignity. '-Chicago Times.
The corn crop Of Indiana will be very
nearly failure, but the people VIII nnd
compensation in the tact that they can MAKE
a hole i'm the ground with a stick and kindle
fire from the natural gas that emerges.
As corn has become recognized as an arti-
Gle Of fuel the supply Of this natural agent
will take the edge from the misfortune OF
the failure of the yied.-Detroit Free Press.
4 love letter is never 50 interesting to
other people rs it Is 10 the lovers them
selves, but it is a good deal more amusing.
SOmeryille journal.
Muldoon-"N ell, will You 20 to wurruk
or noty O'Brien-"l.aYc Us toss up for
IT," MuldOon-"IlOw sOf' O'Brcn-'TOss
M clint. If it comes down heads or tails
we don't wurruk. If il comes down nayther
one nor the other we wurruk.'
Lady, heard you had a fire here and
are selling goods at a bargain:" Butcher
THAT'S right, ma'am. Look at those fine
hams for fourteen cents pound, only slight
a.. J,,,..cn1 bv suoLnff