The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-12-12
WIT AND HUMOls.

I
The man who prays loudest and
longest usually has something on hi.
conscience. - PtttS5ur1 Dispatch.
Sunday-School Teacher it'll,
! girl. what must yon do to be forSivenP P'
Il. G.-"Sin. sir. N-BoSton 7ranscript
Before the dentists door-.If were
only sure that the doctor was ont
would ring the belll'-E EYiengenRe BEas.
ter.
'.I dreamed of you last night Miss
Rosalind.m 20. did voup" And what
dress did have on?F-s s2ieqende Bat
ter.
Jack" "Ethel's face is her fortune. y
Maud-"Then isn't it creditable to her
that she has made II herseII2-M y.
Herald.
A cross-eyed man is n good arbi-
traitor; he. can be depended upon To
look ut thing from both sides.-EE-
nara NescS.
A woman is most religious when she
Is poor; u man seldom begias No think
OF religion until he has become rich.-
AtchiSon Globe
1t is understood that the Interstate
Commerce law has had no appreciable
effect on the Rocky Mountains -Bos-
ton Transcript.
People make themselves discontent-
ed when they expect more than they
deserve aud get n little less.-Neso Or
leans Picayttiie
Congressman Wiley says Congress is
no place for a poor man, and still
some very poor men get into Congress.
- Washington Star.
Banks-'I dined with millionaire
yesterday Cumso-'.How did he
treat you?H Banks-"Like a million-
aires he let me pay for the dinner.n-,
IotCB Crier
a shrewd old philosopher in Oxford
County says: People get so well ac-
quainted with their own faults that
they don't mind their existence. ~
LetciSton Journal
Watts-"Do YOU believe evervtb;,q
your wife tells you?" Potts Every
thing; except when she tells me am an
idiot 1 can't just go that, you know
indianapolis Journal.
Dyspepsia and disappointment in
love seem 10 produce the same out
ward effect. The difference between
them is that dyspepsia is very hard TO
enre.-SonlerUille Journal.
DO you think that literature Is on
the declinePn asked one aspirant of an
other. II must say that it appears so
to me. Everything | write seems TO
get declined. - Washington Post.
When men are as good as their
obituaries and women are as good as
the men think they are. the recording
angel IN Heaven can take his long
needed vacation. Globe
Mr.. Jones Otaking his watch from
under his piliow)-''Six O'Clock. and
no one has come to wake me vetl
shall certainly lose the train II they
iont come soon. ."-Fliegesade Blqttef.
A student who acted rs a waiter Mt
White Mountain hotel the past sum-
ner Is about 10 marry the daughter of
family nj whose table he served. All
hings come TO him who waits Boston
Post
Louise How is it that YOU and 1
lack De Peyster are so cold TO each /
'ther lately? You used TO be sneh
riends.n Ada '.Whv, didn't Won
now that we are en- gagged" ?"-Iiest
shore.
Grocer - What's that about the /
ozen eggs You bought this morning?''
Srown-+I They We're all bad except
ne. aud Eve called to see how much i
xtra | owe You for the good one''-N /
I. SRn.
Little Boy-"Papa. when the preach.
r talked about wicked people he didn'.
1ok at the congregation he looked up
the air Why was that?n Papa
lie WAS probably looking at the choir"
AZ T. Heekiy.
a great many people owe their
YES 10 that doctor, said Kickington.
Is he an able physcian?T .It isn't
xactiy that that l referred TO- He is
ever IN his office when you want him.
: Washington Post.
His Lordship (surprised by the cor
ect pronunciation which greets his
ars on every side)-"Do not Ameri-
ans ever drop their h's?'' Anglo
laniac (apologetically)-"We cawn't
to.'-Llte
DR.. A. to DIR. B.-..Nice trick Won
ave played me during nv vacation.
ere turned over to YOU a lot of pa
ents l have had for years, and YOU
lred them all up in month. - C0ur-
er des Etats- Union.
The angels in Heaven wear robes.
believe remarked Bloombumper
etween the whiffs of his cigar. Yes. ''
Mapped Mrs. Bloombumper. .slnd the
1gels in the other place wear smok-
jackets. ~ T. San.
Primus-''Of course, you understand
e, am not going TO undertake my
from motives of vani-
Secundus-''Of course not-of
'urse not; rather to discipline Your
1de, L should think. ."-HaTper' Ba-
n.
Bridget, this is altogether too
uch; You have new follower in the
tchen every week. We'll. ma'am.
u see. the food in this house is SO
I'd that no one will come here for
niger than a week. Co1trrier des ,,
tats- Unis
Mrs. Nuwed-"You shouldn't be so !
-rd on old maids who appear anxious :
get married" Maud-.How kind
you to sympathize with them, but /
ppose you should, knowing all the
fflculties they have to contend WITH
". Y. Herald
sure and make those f,
othes large. l expect to put on ten o
fifteen pounds shortly" Tailor s
Ies, sir. Taking a course of treat G
ent?" Customer-'No. I've Just /,
t back from my vacation. 10 C1othier W
d Fstrntsher. Fl
This bell" said well-moaning sex L
W hen showing the belfry of an in n
resting village to party of visitors. fC
) only rung in case of a visit from e
: Lord Bishop of the diocese. fire. 81
lood, or any other such calamities. a
London Figaro. o
I fachtman-''In ordinary summer u
ather Sailino * inst oS fo nc ,.a,.