Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1890-09-26
WHAT CARLSBAD IS.
Eugene Fields Caustic Description Of tho
Famous Watering Place.

GuSeuo C1eAuS OAuSC1C DESCRIPTION OF tho
Famous Watering Place.
Carlsbad is a spot. 1t is astreak between
hills in Bohemia. An ancient tradition
says that it was discovered by a dog. That
dog is nov dead. Hence has arisen the
saying, "They tried it on the dog"
The people of Bohemia are known the
world over as wanderers. They are neces-
sarily tramps because they cannot afford
to live at home. 1t is cheaper to move.
Carlsbad was the last created spot on
earth. 1t was made up of what was left
over. It rains in Carlsbad six-sevenths of
.5ssllace on earth. The essentials to a sue
ceafasl career therein are a wallet and an
umbrella, both big. 1t is a good place for
disease, doctors and ducks.
People who 60 to Carlsbad may be sick
of anything. When they go away they are
sick of nothing but Carlsbad. The COM
ing and the going illustrate respectively
the comparative and superlative degrees
Of Joy.
Carlsbad is constructed like the intestine
of a sand hill ran 1t has an alimentary
canal running straight through it. Every
thing else in Carlsbad is crooked.
The native of Carlsbad has four hands,
with ten fingers to each hand. Other peo-
pie go to Carlsbad for their health, but the
native is not there for that purpose. If
| you take your eyes off him you are gone.
Button up your coat and put your hands
in your pocket while you talk with him.
Make him sign and swear to every propo-
sition he makes. He has got you anyway,
but do not walk into the trap with your
| eyes shut. Put yourself in a position to be
able to say honestly you knew it all the
| time.
Every house in Carlsbad is a hostelry,
and a bad one. Some may be classed as
larcenies, others as highway robberies.
| The only difference is the degree of the
| crime.
1t is a tradition that once upon a time
the Goths and Vandals, tempted by rumors
| of the exceeding riches of Carlsbad hotel
keepers, made an incursion, but contrived
to get away without losing much.
From America there are many routes to
Carlsbad. But there are only two return
routes, one the northern and the other the
southern route. You swim home by one
and skate home by the other. The marshy
| character of the soil between Europe and
America renders walking impracticable.
The PORTER is one who poses at the en-
trance to every hotel and bows as you go
out or come in. He speaks fluently every
language except your language. Your
language he speaks a leedle. For bowling
to you and for speaking YOU language a
leedle you have to pay the PORTER a forin
a week. He also has the ~prerogative and
inalienable right to charge you two kreut-
zers for every newspaper that comes to you
by post.
If you kick he will simply put a snafae
IN you.
The fish that swim in Carlsbad creeks
lave many names, but they are one. If
you eat him as the trout you pay one
form; if as the sole, seventy-ave kreutzers;
if as the lander, fifty kreutzers. You
choose the name and pay your money.
The doctoris autocrat in Carlsbad. What
he says must go. If you fare i'll he says it
is because you are not obeying his orders.
If you fare we'll he says II knew it would
be So" When he assures you that you are
making weight you must take it for
granted that if the scales tell you differ
emily the scales lie. At any rate, you may
depend upon 1t that the doctor will not
suffer you to leave Carlsbad until your
wallet at least has been reduced in heft.
Then he will send you to Switzerland
That's where the Alps are. They are very
high, but they are not so high as things
are in Carlsbad.-Eugene Field in Chicago
Nou,o