The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1890-08-03
COL. JASPAH's HoNAH, sAH.
How He Would vindicate 1t, Sah, If As
sniled bY Newspaner.

"oW ne "OulU NlnulCate san, LII AS
sailed by Newspaper.
Col. Jasper, the ex-postmaster of Jasperville,
Jasper County, Ark, while discussing bottle
of wine with friend at Chamberlin's, thus
discoursed:
"My attention has been called in they course
of events sab, to personal difficulty between
Col. Grain, they membah of Congress from
Cucro. and Col. O'Brien-Mooah, of they St.
Louis Republic, newspapah, in which they lat
tab took accession to impugn they motives of
they membah in question in they columns of
his engine of civilization, where it could be OBJ
sarved by cold and uncharitable world, sab. and
particularly by they Farmers Alliance. l have
been led to believe, sab, that Col Grain in they
apex of his indignation borrowed condemned
shootin' iron from Col William Dickson, sah
and sailed forth to visit Col. O'Brien- -Mooah
with condign punishment, with view, sab, of
acceerating his movements in they direction of
they Golden Shoah. Now, sab, l am not in a
position to approve of they action of Col Grain,
sab, although have been informed that it is
they usual way of settling such mattahs in they
State of Texas. Now, in Arkansaw which has
the honah of claiming me as a citizen, sab, and
notably in Jaspah County, sab, we do things
somewhat different, and while seeking a ven
gence that is no less swift and appalling still
manage, sab, to keep ourselves in good standing
in they church and on they list to be asked to
drink by they best men Of they county. Now
suppose, sab, for an example, that they blasted
editah of they condemned tri-weekly Fire F7y,
of Jaspahville Jaspah County, had embraced
they occasion to impugn my motives as chair
man of they committee on curbstones of they
town council they natural inference would be
that in five minutes thereaftah they condemned
papah containing they reflection had come off
they cussed hand-press that they double
distilled william who was responsible for they
same would be having his measure taken for a
pair OF wings in they ethereal relms of bliss, sah
They natural inference is, sab, befo' thev glori-
Orh n da ha6 n bah nd thavo Il foo
hills of the west that they census of they widows
of Jasperville would be increased by they addi-
tion of one, and that they blasted coroner would
be around huntn for jury, sab, to sit on thew
remains. They natural inference would be- sah
that they undertaken would be around borrow
ing ice from they ice-cream saloon on they main
street, and that they New York papahs they next
day would be luxurating in another Southern
outrage and calling on Tom Reed and Senatah
Edmunds to put through they blasted Federal
Election bill"
Col. Jasper at this point paused to take
drink.
Resuming, he said: "Having borrowed my
nabors copy of they tri-weekly Fire Fly befo' he
had had they time to read it himself, nv eve
would naturally have fallen upon they CON
demned long plea paragraph rejecting upon my
blasted honah, sab. Now, would call the wife
| of my bosom and tell her to bring me forthwith,
sab, they breech-loading annihilator which ac-
companied me in they Army of Northern Vir-
| giniah, telling her that they cussed edtah was
my meat, sab? Paralyze my left kidney, sab
would l emit from my blasted thorax, sab, they
wah-hoop of they Comanchie and rush down
street with they dog and small boy aggregation
of Jaspahyile at my blasted heels, shrieking for
they blood of they lbelous polecat, sab? Para
lyze my aliamentry canal, sab no sab. would
remain cool as they Hon. Joseph Can
non while steering an appropriation bill
through the cussed House, sab l would
take a clean shave and, putting on a clean
billed shirt, would take they copy of they
current issue of they tri-weekly Fire Fly saunter
toward they blasted office, stopping in Deacon
Snogg's ballroom to look at they latest sour
mash quotations from Louisville, and in time to
be asked to drink by Jedge Cheatem, of they
Court of Aver and Terminer and General Deliv-
| cry Of Jaspah County" AT this point Col
Jasper paused to take drink.
Again resuming, Col. Jasper said: CARRYING
at they condemned Office of they tri-weelly Fire
Fly, would ask they devil to inform they
blasted editah, sab, that Col. Jaspah desired a
confidential interview with him, sab. Although
my blood might be as hot a Democratic Con-
gressional caucus, | would be as calm and tran
quill, sab, as Spealiah Reed under they inhction
OF they sarcasm OF the Hon. John Henry Rogers
of Fort Smith, Arkansaw. Bent upon my ter
rible revenge, sab, determined to strike they
misguided editah In his centre of QraYiUation /
would direct his attention to they personal
allusion to myself, while they corn whisky
would stand in drops as big as Jaspah County
horse-chestnuts on his cussed dome of thought
sab. / have called at your blasted office, sab
would remark, to inform you that you have
struck cyclonic blow at my honah, sab, and
they honah of they wife of my cussed BOSOM
sab, and of they honah OF my offspring, sab.
nave called to get that satisfaction which one
gentleman of Arkansaw is entitled from another
sab, and to settle with you in accordance with
the ethetics of Jaspah County. You will stop
my papah, sab. And with that l would walk
out of they blasted Office, sab, and leave they
condemned agnostic to they companionship of
his cussed feelings, sah." SAM HUDSON.