Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-05-25
always has the last wordw-Dry Goods

Mr.. Dullboy," retorted Ethel. II never
could marry a man whose heart was not
in the right place"
Teacher-"How many of you can tell
me something about grass? Well, Johnny,
what do you know about it ?" johnny
please ma'am, it's something you always
have to keep off'n."
John" said Mrs. Fangle to her hus-
band, Il often hear you use the expression
"a quiet game;;' what kind of game is
that ?" "One in which but few calls are
made."- West Shore.
"Why, sir" exclaimed an enthusiastic
member of brass band, "we can play the
most intricate airs on sight" aPd like to
hear him play the airs the drum major
puts on" replied an unbelieving listener
Bookstore Clerk-"We have a, Bible OF
the same type as that, sir, but bound in
morocco Countryman fl don't care
about helping those foreign fellers' along
Give me Bible bound in the United
States"
Lady-"Sir, you should introduce little
change in your style of dancing" Gent
"How do you mean, Mademoiselle? Lady
-"You might occasionally step on my left
foot; the right has had enough" h."-London
Tit Bits.
Judge-"You say you are widow ~
Prisoner Eyes, your Honor" "How
since my husband died, your Honor"
'Thirty days! Next case p'- Yonkers
Statesman.
Saleslady-"For garden hat, madam
the one You are trying on is hardly large
enough. Now, this world be much bet.
ter" Customer-"Oh, no. That wouldn't
do at all. Our garden is very small."-
Boston Beacon.
doesn't that lady keep boarders ?''
asked a friend as Billy Bliven lifted his
hat on the street. "Well, yes," said Billy
"Some manage to escape once in awhile
but in the main she is pretty successful
Women's Weekly.
First young lady lat railroad station)- =
"What time is it now, dear ?" Second
young lady Cooking at her watch)-
"Mercy! We must begin saying good
by, dear. The train will be here in hall
an hour.-N Y. Weekly.
Harry-"Mamma, why don't chicken:
have teeth% Mamma-"They don't need
them, Harry; they have their bills for
teeth" Harry (refectively )-"Aunty has
bill for teeth guess that's the reason
she is called an old hen."-Puck.
Mrs. Suburb Cooking up from the paper,
at does seem to me as if these city of.
ficials had not one particle of conscience
Mr.. Suburb (not quite hearing)-"Well, il
they haven't, it's because there is none in
New York to steal."-Ne,o York Weekly.
OH What is sweeter than a babe in dresse.
long and white,
That laughs and coos throughout the day land
cries throughout the night?
Well, If the babes girl, why, she herself /!
sweeter when
She's passed through shortened skirts and
-Lo,peA Mail
"a Tight Squeeze in the Stock Market
read the old maid, as she ran over the
headlines in the evening paper. Then
looking around to see if she was altogether
alone, she sighed softly to herself: ."How
do wish / could be broker l'-.Somaaer
pille Journal.
Druggist-"Few people have any idea O
the great cost of some drugs. See thai
bottle there? Most empty now. 1t cost
$40 to fill that" Old Friend-"Y ou dom,
say so? Ny! my! But then l suppose il
selling it by the dose it brings you in abou
a million."-Racket.
Western Senator -"Lets irrigate.'
Eastern Senator-"Pm not in favor Of
spending dollar upon your confoundet
arid lands. You fellows" Western
Senator-"I meant let's have drink to.
gether." Eastern Senator-"Oh, why
didn't you say so? Pm with you."-lMin
neapolis Journal.
II will be a sister to you," she said
'No," he replied sadly. 81 have got on,
sister who wears my neckties, borrows cal
fare, loses my hair brush, puts tides al
over the furniture in my room, and ex
poets me to take her to the theater twice ;
week. think Pll go out into the world
and forget you"
Jack-"Ah, old fellow, there's no season
for love like summer. You can take YOU
girl out on moonlight night for Ions
walk. 1t is much nicer than having tt
talk to her in gaslight parlor." Harry
SIT is very pleasant, l know; but still i
out the moon."-Epoch.
When smiling spring returns to deck
The earth with verdure gay.
The golden dandelions fleck
The sward with their array.
On Sundays when the days are fair
And plous people flock
To church, the father wheels his pair
OF twins around the block.
Boston Courier.
"Do you think your sister likes me
Tommy?' "Yes; she stood up for you al
dinner" "Stood up for me? Was any
body saying anything against me ?" "No
nuthin' much. Father said he thought
you were good deal of an ass, but 81.
right up and said you wasn't, and told
father he ought to know better than tc
judge man by his looks" s."-New York Sun
In the French Police Court: The Judge
Would you recognize the handkerchie1
you say was stolen from you? ?" The com
plainant-'I should say l would, in
stantly." The Judge-"Be careful; there
are SO many Just alike. Now, have one
like yours in my pocket at this moment
The complainant Perhaps you have
l have had several stolen from me."-Pai
Figaro.
Madam" said the doctor after brie
examination of the victim, at is all over
Your husband is no more" 81 can't be.
lieve it," walled the widow. "There i.
still little color in his face and it seems
as if his heart beats family. He still
lives John Ito the victim) there is 4
gentleman out here who offers to trade hi.
PAGER and $25 to boot for your sor'l mare
No answer. "Oh, doctor, doctor, my hus
band is dead."-Munseys Weekly.
"Dinnis, ye can talk as ye've moind to
but / tell ye these Eyetalians is walkin
right over US and drivin' us to the wall
who's doing all the shoe polishin' now
Why, the Eyetalians; who runs all the
corner apple stands? Why, the Eyetal-
ians; who commits the murders and wolfe
batin's? the Eyetalians; they're pawn
our shtrates and film our prisons. an il
wouldn't shurprise me in the leasht if w
Elected an Eyetalian Alderman in this
very war'rd !"-Litc.
sat within the church,
Not listening as ought
And in spite lfevery wish
had this wicked thought:
thought the "Lamson Carrier
Could put up rails, few,
And have small branch Office
Rugged up In every pew;
Seeing deac0ns pass the boxes
And hearing pennies ring,
j thought that this invention
Might TO our churches bring,