Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-02-17

It's a very wise father who knows as
much as his son.
Young lady hurriedly) want novel.
Book Clerk-Wicked or vapid?
The stove-pipe has no trouble in elbow
ing itself through a crowded house.
If woman knows she is pretty, it is
not because any other woman has told
her so.
1t takes three generations to make a
gentleman, and a bottle of whiskey to
unmake him.
Brokers should keep sober. A bull is
entitled to only two horns daily and a
bear to none at all.
You never heard of a strike among the
astronomers. Their business is always
looking up.
All food contains iron; food affects the
spiritual life, and that is where the iron
enters the soul.
''Her feet flew," read Ichabod, but jon
than spoiled the climax by saying, ''Then
she must have had soar toes"
Trumble-The elevator isn't running as
fast this morning as usual. Elevator Boy
No SURF; 1 don't fale strong to-day.
''I'd rather be wild turkey and live on
the prairie said little boy, than be a
tame turkey and be'killed every year"
1t isn't so bad for a woman to be in
the soup as it is for a man Why not?
Because it is very ladle-like to be in the
soup.
Smithers (reading sign). Glands off. &"
The poor idiots Do they think any one
could look at that statue and not know
the hands Were of?
McCrackle-That pair of trousers re-
minds me of the condition of affairs in
Europr. McCorkle-How SO? McCrackle
1t has worelike aspect.
FIRST politician-There goes man who
carries New York State in his hand. Sec
ond politiciln-What is he? First politi-
cian-A map agent.
The Charleston, S. c., Budget has an
Ill biCiC HCtabSN w tNbCl Oli tlAC A1sli' W u
ter has been noticed on the bar, but it us
ually comes on as side dish.
You are twentieth in the class, Hans.
That means that you are at the very foot.
Well, papa, how can l help it if there are
no more boys in the class?
BY George! that was awful! A freight
train of fiftyfour cars, loaded with pig
iron, ran over tramp yesterday. on,
mercy! 1 do hope the poor fellow wasn't
hurt!
Some men will get up out of bed at
night in the coolest Of weather to 20 to
fire who can not be induced to get up at
seven O'Clock to start one in the kitch-
en- stove.
An Englishman crawled out of the de-
bris of the wreck of two passenger
trains, rubbed his eyes and drawled: Il
daw say this will-ah-caws another de-
lay, We know"
Bluster-Yes, ahem! My correspond
ence is, ahem! remarkably large. re-
ceive, ahem! on an average. three hun
dred letters a day. Coolley-Why in thun-
dea don't you pay up, then?
Woman Ito tramp)-Waut something
to eat, Ell? Well, here's some cold hash"
Tramp-But 1 haven't got anything to
eat it with. Woman-Just keep on a lit
tie further, and you'll find fork in the
road.
If there is no profit in wool from a
flock of sheep, no profit in their mutton
nor in their lambs, there may be ample
compensation in the touch of their feet
that enrich the soil and bring profit thro'
succeeding years.
Galley (to supposed widow. = Mrs.
Bronson, you see me on my knees before
you. Will you won't you be my wife?
Mrs. Bronson.-N Mr.. Cadley,I cannot;
when he arrives, and maybe he'll be a
brother to you.
A St. Louis burglar went to sleep the
other night while plundering the resi-
dence of citizen, and awoke to find
himself captive. A town in which the
burglars cannot keep awake during bust
hours only makes itself ridiculous when
it asks for the Worlds Fair
A man wrote to friend asking him to
purchase books. From negligence or av-
arice he neglected to execute the commits
sion but fearing that the correspondent |
might be offended he exclaimed when |
next they met: MY dear friend, l never
got the letter you wrote me about the |
books"
1t is related of Bishop P.-that he
was once taken to task by few denomin-
ational brethren on the charge of exhibit
ing q conceit of himself at variance with
the spirit Of humility. at is not conceit,"
said the bishop, with that ponderous
bearing that silenced opposition-'it is
not conceit, brethren; it is the conscious
ness of superiority"