The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1890-10-22

'dOW uOeS tudG SAoW AAiA w w AA
antiquarian"
"Well, he's relict-hunter." ."-Judge.
INHUMAS TREATMEAT.
"And don't you feel terribly the dis
grace of being sent to prisonG" asked the
visitor.
"No, ma'am," returned the ex-tramp.
"It amt the disgrace O bein' sent, but
its the work that's eatin' my heart
away."-N6w Kors Sun.
LIKED BIN, PERHAPS.
"One thing about me-" said the new
girl, isis that I'm no fault finder. al
ways try to take things as they come"
"Hum! Well, that's somewhat bet
ter. Our last girl used to stop the de-
livery man and take 'em before they got
here. Washington Post.
A COMPREHENSIVE REPLY.
School Teacher-"Johnny, what does
the word meter mean2"
Johnny-"A measure"
School Teacher-"Now, Johnny, what
do they measure with the metera"
Johnny-"Gas, electricity, water and
poetry. ."-Rarper's Basar.
A SOUVENIR.
"I wish you'd give me that dog,
Major"
"Why, thought you didn't like
him2"
"Neither do. If you'll give him to
me I'll shoot him and send you lock Of
his tail. ."-Harper's Bazar.
POSITIVE PROOF.
II see you have given our finest suit of
rooms to man named Bilkins. Are you
sure he can pay the ratesa"
Clerk-'Yes; he's immensely rich"
Proprietor-"How do you know9"
Clerk-s:He is old and ugly, and his
wife is young and pretty."-NeD York
Weekly.
WASTED SWEETNESS.
"You see that girl over there"
she began, when the other answered:
eyes, she lives opposite US. She's deaf
and dumb, poor thing"
ssThe idea. And there I sat behind
her in the street car for four blocks and
made remarks about that dowdy hat she
has on, all for nothing"
WHAT PAT BAD UNDER LIS COAT.
Benevolent but Near-Sighted Employer
-@Patrick, what's that under your
coat?"
Pat (who is working the growler)-|
"I'm sorry to say it is q can, sir"
Employer-"Great Scot, Patrick
Stop work and 60 straight to the hos
pital!"-Aun,ey's Weekly.
PRACTICE WHAT YOU TREACH.
Merchant-'I wish to insert an adver-
tisement in the Morning Bugs."
Clerk-"Yes, sir"
"Commence It in this way: PAY Cash,
and put those words in large letters"
eyes, SIR"
"And l wish you'd trust for the
amount for month or so."-Yankee
Blade.
FIT ASSOCIATES FOR POLICEMEN, ONLY.
"Henryl" cried Mrs. Won Toodles,
grasping her somnolent husband by the
arm, "Hcnry, there are burglars in the
house! Get up and 60 down."
"Utter nonsense, my DEAR" returned
Henry. "You wouldn't have q man of
my social position associating with burg
lars, would you2 You astonish mel"
Chatter.
DESPERATE LAST CHANCE.
eff you hypnotize man, you can
make him do anything you want
him to, can't you2" asked Ethel.
"Ycs, believe so."
"I'd like to hypnotize Chollie Hicks,
then"
"Why2"
s'This is my fourth season, and I'm
getting anxious. ."-Harpers Bazar.
CHANGED HIS TUNE.
Lawyer-"Madam, I'm sorry to say that
I don't see the ghost of chance for you
to break your uucle's will"
Womar-"Wcll, to be frank with
you, I don't see ghost of chance to
pay you for what you have already done
if the will isn't broken"
Lawyer-"On second thought, mad
am, I think the will can be broken"
TOO sCRCPULoUs.
Teacher -"Somebody has been throw
ing paper behind my back. Mewes, can
you tell me who it wasa"
Mewes (who was the culprit himself)
-s'I kr ow who it was, but hardly like
to tell"
Teacher-.A trifc too scrupulous,
perhaps, but it shows honorable feeling
on your part. You may sit down.
Chicago Tribune.
MODERN SCIENCE.