Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1890-09-11
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS By FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Dubious Forebodings-She Saw too
Much-The Trouble-A Brutal
Retort, Etc, Etc.

Dubious Forebodings-She Saw too
Much-The Trouble-A Brutal
Retort, Etc, Etc.
ONE SIDE OF SCHOOL, LIFE.
"What do you like best about school,
Georgef
''Not gettin' caught whisperin."
LOST TRACK OF THE PRICE.
New Boarder-What is the price of
good, fresh butter?
Landlady-Really, couldn't tell. It's
been so long since l made any inquiries
about it.
A CONDENSED QUART.
'What's this?"
''That's your condensed milk"
'But l ordered quart that's no
quart"
eyes, it is. It's condensed quart. "
Il Bazaar.
THE NEXT THING.
Mrs. Larkin (roading)-Mrs. McGill
of Salt Lake City found SO gold piece
in a crop of a chicken she was dressing
for dinner.
Larkin-Now look out for an English
syndicate to buy up all the chickens in
the country New York Sun.
BRUTAL REToRT.
"a Portuguese proverb asserts that
contented ass enjoys long life"
"You ought to be able to get good in
surance rates on that principle. y
Epoch.
sHREwD FLATTERY.
Agent child is very much like
you, Madam.
at is not my child, Sir"
cone would know that, Madam, Cor it
is very homely little thing"
A SUGGESTION.
"I don't know whether to make the
incision from the left hankipanki over to
the boorioboolaga, three inches, or to
achieve the same results by cutting from
the parallax straight through to the rut-
abaga," said the surgeon to his assistant
"Take the short cut and you'll get
there quicker, DOCTOR" suggested the
pdticnt. 4Nc" lOih ouu'
AN INTELLIGENT ANIMAL.
Cautious Dame-Are you sure this
horse is suitable for lady to drive?
Livery Man-Yes'm. He's a very in
telligent hoss, mum, and won't let you
run him into anything.
LOVES TIE DOESN'T BIND THE DOG
Oh, loves chain of wondrous might,
We find it as on we jog;
Twill tie up hearts exceeding tight
But will not tic the dog.
i Washington Post.
SHOCK TO HIS FAITH.
"Now, Tommy" said that young mans
mother, after a heated encounter in
which he had come out second best,
"say your prayers right away and get
into bed"
81 already said 'em, maw," answered
Tommy, ''as soon as | found out you
meant to gimme lickin but it didn't
work. ."-l Terre Haute Express.
THE STOVE WENT OUT.
Mistress during heated term)-Get
dinner to-day on the gasoline stove,
Bridget.
get-Paze, mum, I did thry, but
tn stove 'wint out.
Mistress-Try again, then.
! Bridget-Yis, mum, but it's not come
back yit. 1t wint out trough tn roof.
New York Weekly.
STRUCK BY A TRAMP.
"What do you mcan2" said a gentle
man, jumping aside as tramp drew
back his hand as if to strike him.
"Nothing at all, SIR" replied the
tramp meekly ~ wouldn't strike you
for $50, sir No, SIR" he continued
hurriedly; ''no, sir, wouldn't. But if
you will permit me I'd like to strike you
for quarter"
NoTHIN'.
"My dorg kin lick your dorg, Tommy
Bodkins.n
''He can't do no sech thing, Patsey
Mcintyre; | 'ain't got no dorg."
"Well, my pa kin lick yourn."
"Can't neither; 'aint got no pa"
"Well, my ma kin lick yourn"
"Bet she can't; amt got no ma"
"What hey yer got, anyhow"
"Nothin'."
"Well, jes yer come over here, an
I'll take that out O. YER lIarper's Ba
Ear.
CHARGES SUSTAINED.
Immigrant Inspector-Wc have infor
nation that you came over here on con
, tract.
Lord Fitzmud-Fitzmud Indignantly,
| -Aw-wha er-er-why, you wudc, i'm
pudent fellah, | come ovah here to marry
Miss Angelina Goldust, of New Yawk.
Immigrant Inspector (triumphantly)-
Well, what's the matter with yer; amt
marriage a contract? You'll have to GO
back.-[Life.
A TECHNICALITY.
Susie-Papa, isn't it murder to kill a
hog?
Papa (who is lawyer)--Not exactly.
Murder is assaultng with intent to kill
the other is killing with intent to salt
Harper's Bazaar.
EASILY SPOTTED.
Whene'er you meet man whose face
Is very sadly patched,
AS though he'd fallen through hedge
And had it fiercely scratched,
| Oh, do not dare to ask of him
| of oil hic