Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-09-05
DIE vERDAUUN9sScHWAcHE.
Eugene Field, the Gifted Dyspeptic' writes
Feelingly from Carlsbad.
Tfshicaco Naval

Die yerdauungsschwach is the most
ferocious maladv known to man, IL is re-
line in its cruelty. IL seldom kills. 1t
noupces upon. il cripples. and it plays with
lis victim. revealing III his misery, delight
inc in his groans. Sometimes 1t steals
away and hides. You think 1t has forgot
ten YOU: YOU fatter yourself that you are
no longer its slave. Wretched creature
miserable dupe that YOU are. you smile ana
Won are CAV. In another moment and with
redoubled malignity die Nerdauungs-
schwache has its talons about your throat
and its beak in your vitals. 1t is terror
whose presence bids defiance alike TO LIE
and to death.
This monster has one surprising foe
one adversary whose supremacy IL con-
cedes and yields unto. Ihat zoe IL Carls-
had And what is Carlsbad and wherefore
is II 90 potent and 80 famed? Carlsbad Is
a spot. 1t is a streak between hills IN Bo-
bemia. An ancient tradition says 1t was
discovered by dog. That dog Is now
dead. Hence has arisen the saying:
''They tired it on the dog"
The people OF Bohemia are known the
world over as wanderers: they are neccs,
sarily tramps, because they cannot anoru
10 live AT home. 1t is cheaper TO move.
Carlsbad was the last created spot on
Garth. IL was made up of what was lett
over. Ii rains in Carlsbad six seventies OF
the time. 1t is the most watery watering.
place on earth. The essentials to q success
ful career therein are wallet and an UNI
brella. both big. IL is good place for
disease. doctors, and ducks.
People who go to Carlsbad may be SICK
of ANYTHING. When they 60 away they are
sick of nothing but Carlsbad. The coming
and the going illustrate respectively the
Commemorative and superlative degrees of JOY.
Carlsbad is constructed like the intestine
of sandhill crane. II has an alimentary
canal running straight through 1t. Every
fh,no else in Carlsbad is crooked.
The native OF Carlsbad has four hands
with ten fingers TO each hand. Other
people 90 to Carlsbad for their health. but
the native is not there tor that purpose.
III YOU take your eyes on INN you are
GONE. Button up your coat and put your
hands i'm your pocket while you talk with
him. Make hlm sign and swear to every
proposition be makes. He has got you
any way. but do not walk into the trap
with your ewes shut. Put yourself i'll aposl-
ton to be able to say that you knew IT all
the time.
and bad one. Some may be classed as
larcenies. Others IA highway robberles.
The oniy difference is the degree Of the
crime.
IL is q tradition that once upon time
the Cloths and Vandals. tempted by rumors
of the exceeding riches of Carlsbad hotel
keepers. made an incurslon, but contrived
to get away without losing much.
From America there are many routes TO
Carlsbad: but there are only two return
routes-one the northern ana th"otier INC
southern route You SWIM home Dy one
and skate home by the other. The marshy
character of the soil between Europe ana
America renders walking impracticabie.
The portier Is one who poses at the en-
tyance 10 eyery hotel and bows as you 60
ont or come in. He speaks fiuently every
language except your language. Your Ian
euage ne speaks leedle. FOR bowlng 10
YOU and for speaking your language q
leedle YOU have to payIthe porter a norm
n week, He also has the prerogatiye ana
,naEenable right TO charge you two kreut-
GERS for every newspaper that comes 10 you
Inv most. Ii you kick he will simply put a
The 6sh that swim in Carlsbad creeks
have many names. but they are one. III YOU
| eat him as the trout you pay form; II ~
| the sole. rs kreutzers; II a. tue lander, Oh
! kreutzers. You choose the name ana pay
your money. WV,
The doctor Is autocrat in Carlsbad. What
| he saws must go. If you fare Ill, he says II
| is because YOU are not obeying his orders
| IL Won fare well. no SAYS: u knew II would
be SOL" When he assures you that you are
making weight, you must take IT tor grant
ed that if the scales tell you differently the
scales lie. At any rate, You may depend
upon IL that the doctor will not suffer you
TO leave until your wallet at least has been
reduced In hett
Then be will send you to Switzerland.
| That's whore the Alps are: they are very
| high, but not so high as things are in
| Carlsbad.
The waters in Carlsbad are warm; they
are the reverse of the weather; which
though watery, is not warm. When the
water and die Verdauungsschwache meet
| within you they are both somewhat sur
| priscd. And. for that matter, so are you.
Afte. a week Of respectful quiet there Is
trouble. The water and die Verdauungs-
| schwache fall TO quarrelling. aud you are
the field of battle. the dead. the dying, and
| the wounded. Sometimes the water TEN.
! porarily succeeds and plays trlumphal
| marches through your system. Anon die
| yerdauungsschwache achieves the mastery
and celebrates with pyrotechnics and
GRASSLAND music through your vitals.
This sort of thing continues ten days.
| Ii III merely q question OF time whether
die Verdauungschwache OF you succumb
I first. This il why he who survives Cars
bad is vulgarly called blood Of the first
/, water.
In Carlsbad alone does die verdauungs-
schwache meet its Waterloo.
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