The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1890-11-30

- SzgAfsr
A JAY.
Whereas, No serious plague or famine
or war has laid waste the fair face of
the republic; and
Whereas, The wages of a crew of near
iy thirty men working in button fac
tory in Vineland, N. J., have been adj
vanced Is per cent. ad valorem since the
passage of the Mckinley bill; and
Whereas, Now times begin to brighten
up all over our land as a result of the
payment of my election bets; and
Whereas. The man who was on the
stump few weeks ago, and now in the
pottages, has ceased to state that we are
nos upon the eve of one Of the most i'm
porsAnt elections in the history of this or
any other country; and
Whereas, The reception of the literary
works of Tolstoi and McAllister have
given US good reason to believe that the
scavenger and the snoo must still keep
outside of good society; and
Whereas, feel like ii;
Therefore, |, Edgar Wilson Nye, OF
The county of Richmond, and state of
New York, do hereby constitute and
set aside the Thursday following the
publication of this proclamation as a
day of general joy and thanksgiving
throughout the land.
The year last past has been one of al
most unexampled prosperity from the
subscribers standpoint, and Thanks
giving proclamations are generally writ
ten by a man who is feeling pretty COM
Portable himself. The year has indeed
been real prosperous. Our growth
throughout the length and breadth of
the land has been phenomenal, and in
some cases reprehensible. If padding
had been as high before the census was
taken as it is now many United States
cities would have been eyether much de-
pressed in figures or hopelessly in debt.
Another cause for congratulation is that
for few months New York has not
been ashamed of her babies, bringing
out many from concealment and count
ing the noses of nations yet unborn.
Over and above all, we congratulate
everybody and shake hands with voters
end ourselves because the election is
over. The loud smelling torch and can
didate have been laid aside till another
time, and the campaign lie, with large,
irregular nailhole in it, is in the hell
box of the country paper.
There are many causes for personal
graduation and congratulation. The
stout lady who had room above mine
at the boarding house, and who was
jumping the rope in order to reduce her
weight, has decided that it is not bene-
fitting her and has ceased. We are having
new ceiling put on my room. Alsoto the
roof of my head. l do not find large
pieces of plaster in my bed in the morn
ing. and soon can take off the piece |
have on my nose.
But the clearing up of the political at
mosphere is the chief cause for national
Joy, and the greatest. Why, by the way,
should we have elections so frequently!
If they were two or three times as far
apart we could almost afford to let con-
gress pass any bill it wanted to, and we
could meet it with our savings from gin
and kerosene. And to whom does the
great shoreless sea of campaign funds
go? Does it go to the church or the
state, the widow or the orphan, the hon.
est industrious or afflicted?
Nay, beautiful reader with the violet
breath; nay, soft voiced reader with
the high, intellectual sealskin shoulders
on your wrap, the grand old ocean of
campaign funds steals not up to lave the
feet of the starving, or cool the brow of
the invalid 1t quenches not the thirst
of the dying and it softens not the bed
of suffering.
The campaign fund lubricates the
wheels of swift rolling jobs. 1t prints
and distributes tracts, which nobody
reads. 1t buys the services of unmusic.
al bands, whose notes are protested on
every corner, and the juice of whose alto
horns is favored with the demon rum
1t buys coal oil which seeks to outstencf
the record of the candidate.
1t buys oratory which would make the
auditorium of perdition hiss, and create
a GOODNESS even among the hands in tn,
engine room of Satan's great exposition
It buys speeches that would empty
union depot, speeches that would stop
clock, speeches that would remove super
6uous hair, speeches that would cut
holes in steak, speeches that would re-
move warts, speeches that would scour
knives, set saws, remove verdigris, grease
stains, moth patches, freckles or wooden
buildings.
Then the great balance goes down the
parcned throat of men who have nc
money or physical strength or brains
to throw away, but who improve this
opportunity to raise blood >blisters on
their souls, and drift away from thei,