The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-07-22
THE ARIZONA
Westward the Star of Empire and So
Forth.

EOEC0.
We extract the following from the last
issue OF the Arizona Kicker:
OUR GAIN.-Monday afternoon an Ital-
ian with a dancing bear struck the town,
and half an holr later Col Siderial Thomp-
S N, Assistant Register of Deeds, awoke
from a snooz he had been enjoying in an
armchair in the Mighty West billiard
parlors. When the colonel saw the bear
dance &c made up his booty mind to have
a waltz with him. Hi friends called him
off but he vas pig-headed and obstinate
and refused to stav off. He suddenly
jumped IN on the bear with a yell and a
whoop, and being new to our ways the
beast probably supposed himself attacked.
At any rate, he set to work with teeth
and claws, and so used the colonel up in
ABOUT three minutes that he died that
night. The general verdict Of the public
is that his loss is our gain. He had no
enterprise as a citizen, and as a man some
of us would have had to pant him within
a few weeks anyhow.
SETTLED AT LAsT.-As will be noticed
elsewhere in the regular court proceed
ings, the legal trouble between the editor
of the Kicker and Prof. Mccall has at last
been settled and an amicable understand
ing arrived at. The professor came here
about two years ago, and being in hard
luck borrowed our only Sunday shirt and
fifty cents in cash, and later on refused to
either return the same or recognize
calm. We posted him as a Gead beat
and he sued us for $50, 600. We proved
him a bigamist and he fired two shots at
us IN front Of the postoffiee. W. advised
lynching, and he was laid up a month in
the attempt to horsewhip us. The pro-
fessor Instituted no less than five suits
against US, and on several different occa-
sionsp planned our assassination.
Day before yesterday, while the pro-
fessor was laying for us with a shotgun
at the postoffi ;e, he was run over in a
stampede of mules. We were the first
to reach him and render aid. He was
carried to the Kicker off 3e in an neon
scious condition, and it was half an hour
before he come to. Mutual friends seized
upon the occasion to settle the trouble,
and their efforts were successful. We
nov desire to announce in Italics that the
professor is an honest, worthy gentleman,
possessed of a fine voice and well quail
fed to teach the divine art of music. On
the other hand, he subscribes for the
Kicker, paying in advance, of course, and
advertises to the extent of 1924 per year.
APPLY TO THE CoRoNER.-Just as our
outside pages were going to press Judge
knight called at the Kicker Office and in
vited US to ride out to Lone Tree with him
in his horse and buggy, and half an hour
later we were there. The boys had pre-
coded us, and we found them in a circle
around CDR. B. B. Beringer; late of the
Royal College of Medicine, Of London
the only discoverer of a sure cure for
C consumption" The doctor has been with
US about a month, claiming to cure almost
everything on earth, but after his IT NEEDLES
had knocked over half a dozen citizens
the boys concluded that it was time for
him to drop out. He refused to drop.
Hence a committee called and asked him
to take a walk. He had taken the walk
and stood on a barrel when we caught
sight of him. There was a connection be-
tween the doctors neck and a stout limb,
and he was making a speech.
The doctor recognized us at once and
besought us to explain to the crowd that
1C WdS III q AuI1y W ACoFC GuC COunLIy y
He couldn't fly, but he would do the next
best thing. Although he had not adver-
tised with US, and he had given all his job
work to our contemporary, we could not
refuse his request. AS a personal favor
to US the boys, after letting him hang
long enough to insure a good case of sore
throat, cut him down, gave him a nip Of
whisky, and advised him to go East. He
went. The last we saw of him he was
making such time as no jack-rabbit in this
country can ever hope to equal, Anyone
having any legal claim on lO5 bottles of
consumption cure, together with a ma
chine for making pills, two packs Of cards
and Office furniture, will please apply to
our worthy coroner. While DR.. Beringer
still lives to the world at large, there is
no doubt that he is dead to this COM
munity.-Detroit Free Press.