The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-07-01

our SSGs 1u0u nc dSkSQ me 10 excuse
him, but there looked to him to be a
foreign substance in among the leaves of
my salad. l paved over the lettuce and
discovered in it a new dollar bill. /
thanked the gentleman for his kindness,
and said [ was getting so absent minded
now that I was liable to go away some
time and leave a whole fortune in the
hotel sugar bowl. He said he was that
way too.
"Now, for instance, l left something
or other over there in that finger bowl, l
believe. Will you be kind enough to
look in it and see ?" l examined the
finger bowl and found his diamond riug
in the bottom of it. When I got through
my meal 1 decided to go and see some
sort of show. l went to see Hermann.
When he came on the stage 1 remembered
who it Was that ate dinner with me.
The performance did not run very
smoothly, owing to the orchestra, which
was a local affair. In one place the per-
former is quite dependent on the orche ira
for his cue, as the whole thing moves
along with the music. 1t is a part of the
program called Black Art, wherein vari-
Gus skeletons come out of their damp, i'll
ventilated graves at a late hour of the
light and dance the hOrnpipe or remove
their skulls and blow the dust out Of
them, keeping time to the music all the
while. Hermann had e~ndeavOred to
impress upon Linn that the members of
the orchestra must pay strict attention to
their business, for he depended on the
music.
When it got o this part of the pro-
gramme the magician discovered that the
leader had loaded his etruscan Jaw with
a giant jag of tutti frutti gum and was
keenly enjoying the show. Hermann
motioned him to 60 on with the music,
and he spread out his wings as a signal
for the orchestra to sail in. AS one
CHASTITY gentleman after another got out
of his malarial grave and shook out the
kinks in his skeleton, the orchestra began
10 pla more and more piano. The man
who administers the clariOnet to himself
every evening swallowed the first joint
Of his / strument, and then seemed to
freeze with horror at the picture on the
stage. All at cnce a slim little ghost
crawled out Of his grave, and taking Ou5
a carpet tack which has been in the bot
tom of his coffin no doubt for years and
iabbing him in the back, he seemed to
breathe a sigh Of relief, and turning a
hand spring lit on the top of a tall mOnu-
ment worth $3.50
Then the man who plays the adjustable
brass pulled the instrument out to its
fullest extent and forgot to put it back
again. More and more the orchestra
seemed to get interested in the show and
less in it's music. The drummer made a
fox pass, as the French say, and then
paused with an unborn note still trembling
on his lips. Finally, as the CHASTITY turn
fest went on, the orchestra got so diminu-
endo that an old blind man, with a croupy
base tuba, was the only musician who
seemed to be earning his salary.
Then Professor Hermann out Oh the
stage and MADE a few desultory remarks
to the orchestra personally. He began to
remove gum from the Jaws of the Orcbes-
ira, and some said he got eight pounds,
but l think that is putting it too high.
Between six and seven would, | thick,
be big enough At this ONE the
drummer sought to reply. A lit le di--
cussion arose between him and the pro
fessor, and when it closed the drumm'
was not there. The next day, l am tol1.
he was found inside the base drum.
Wherever | have gone, 50 far, there
seems to be much excitement over the
census and its long list of rude and vul-
gar questions. / uid not think that the
new interrogations would be answered
DY enough people to make what answers
are given Of any value whatever. | hope
that every one who has any respect for
nmSelf remained silent on every puestiO /
which referred to his own business, and
is nobody's else business. 1t will teach
the Junk head statisticiau that IN a gov
eminent Of the people. by the people and
for the people, capital punishment, or
even corporal punishment, for failure to
crafty the morbid curiosity of a "mean
average polyp does not obtain.
OF course the list Of questions has
brought firth other lists Of interlogatories
which are not official or authentic. The
folio wing lies before me as l write:
81. State your age at nearest birthday.
(Honest, now,)
90. Married or single. If so, have you
other husbands or wives living, and if so,
do you envy them their happiness?
"3. Do you come up } lights or do you
have to be sent for?
"a. Are you male or female. If so,
Whist are your reasons for this course?
eff male, do you attribute 1T to hered-
ity or to our republican form of govern
ment?
&c. What is } our salary?
"Do you draw it all at the end Of the
week or give orders on the cashier before
pay day?
"8. Do you keep a mich COW? If SO,
has she ever been a mother?
g. Are your parents living, and if so,
are they disappearing?
90. Do you make your own soap OF
buy it at the store?
al. Did you consider your parents
during their lifetime as respectable PEG
pc?
"12. If you produce your own soap,
would you mind giving the recipe?
Have you any good chewing tobacco
with you?
GA. Have you any hereditary disease
which you would like to mention to the