Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-07-13
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.

Student latter delivering commencement
Grafton )-"Aha! Only three bouquets, and
| paid for four" Rome Sentinel
No matter what sized shoe a man wears,
his feet, if perfect, should measure two
feet ten. Counting his toes.-Danr5le
Breeze.
h Tom Mixer-'I wonder why you women
are so awfully fond of sweets~ Sally de
Witt-"And l wonder why you men are
50 awfully fond CT 'sours?"
"Your name isn't worth cent" he said
Indignantly. 81 can prove by the emu
merator that it's worth two cents,n he re-
torted-New York EUening World
Lady-"Why did you leave your last
placer" Applicant-"Madame, you have
TOO much curiosity. didn't ask you why
your last cook left you."-Teras Sittinqs.
All. fame, how hard we toll for thee
Time, pleasure. aye, and lfe-blood giving;
Like an insurance policy,
Your fruit doth rarely find us living.
Boston Courier
Census Enumerator-"Is your husband
an American by birth?" Mrs. Rooney
/ 'Yis. sor, he is that same He has berth
SIN the police department. Munseys
Weekly.
where are the porter's quarters ?'
asked a lady traveller on Pullman of her
husband. "Oh, suppose he's put them
N the bank" was the gentleman's reply
+ Bostonidn.
Mistress TO new hired girll-"B Bridget,
syou can go now and put the mackerel in
soak. Bridget (sympathetically -"Sure,
fna'am, air We reduced to that ?"-Neg
| York Herald
4 EYES," said the good deacon, 81 have
had my trials" ME too" exclaimed a
|aHlapidated individual in the back seat.
81 say, pard, what was you up for ~
Boston Transcript.
Boston elergyman-"That's John Brent,
the rich wool merchant. He gave me $50
for marrying him." Chicago lawyer
| Eyes; and he gave me $4,000 to procure a
divorce for him."
Neighbour hear your master has
married again and is taking bridal
tour" Daddy Mose-"Don' know bout
him takin' bride to dis 'un, boss but he
did tex a paddle to his fust wife, sure"
"Well," said good, old-fashioned Mrs.
Pradington, as she laid down the opera
glass, after a survey of the summer opera
chorus, 81 s'pose one has to excuse great
deal in warm weather. Washington Post.
Miss Prim Ito her little nephew)-"You
should not say that the water is unhealthy,
| but unhealthful. How can water be un-
| healthy? Nephew-"I don't know, aunty,
| but you often hear of well water."-Latu-
renee Americdn.
Lady patient with big feet)-"Do you
| think my pedal extremities are unusually
large?" Chiropodist diplomatically)-
| "Oh, no; while in st. Louis last summer
l operated on lady whose shoes covered
several achers."
Mr.. Chips Cooking up from the paper)
The doctors have discovered another
new disease" Mrs. Chipps-"Well, wish
they'd stop looking for new diseases long
enough to find a cure for old rheumatism"
-Nep York IFeeky.
Policeman Ito pedestrian stop where
You are" Pedestrian (frightened) -"W-
what's the matter?" Policeman-"Itsall
right now. l just wanted to see if you
could talk. A deaf-and-dumb bloke escaped
from the asylum last night"
Lawyer-"Do you understand the ma
ture of an oath ?" Colored witness
"Sah y Lawyer-"Do you understand
the nature of an oath, l say ?" Colored
witness (impressively)-"Sah, have druv
mules in Louisiany for nigh onto forty
year"
Temperance missionary =" And does
your husband drink liquor?" Mrs.
O'Toole-"Blessy 'sowll He hasn't tiched
drap fer three years" t. M:-@That's
a good thing for you" Mrs. OToole-"A
good thing, is it? An me as has been a
wilder ever since thot day, an wild five
childer to upport-Lye."