The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1890-10-11

"As i darted away from what
seemed to he the sting of an over
grown hornet, such as one might
run across while rambling through
Satan's preserves, I saw in the un-
certain light the retreating bit Of a
two-inch auger. Then could make
out dimly large collection of
auger holes distributed around
over the floor, evidently in vain
search for spirits, and below I heard
the football of escaping soldiery as
they fell over each other in their
efforts to escape.
"The whisky was saved, and in
one of the battles which occurred
soon afterward I think it won us
the day, for our colonel was so i'll
natured because of the head he
had upon him on that day that be-
fore any one could pacify him he
rushed in and killed quite lot Of
the enemy, thus weakening them
and turning their flank wrong side
out, which we took advantage of,
and 1t gave us the victory.
"But / have never been the same
man since was so horribly bored.
1 never feel sure of my victuals
unless of the very coarsest charac-
ter, and I suffer great pain at times.
What / cannot understand is that
so many people regard the whole
matter as mirth provoking. Even
quiet, sensible old people who are
not at all frivolous give themselves
up to paroxysms of laughter when
1 tell my sad tale. Why should
old silver haired people whose
bloom has been rubbed off for many
a year let off peal of laughter be-
cause my pancreas is weather beat
en- and the night air whistles
through my thoracic ducts?
81 have put in all the testimony
that anybody need to, I think, re-
garding the case, and have swore
to everything that my attorney has
besOught me to swear to. For six
months my right hand was in the
air all the time, it seemed to me,
and my neighbors all have been
real good about swearing to things.
1 have changed works with some
of them that way, swearing to their
things, you see, where they was old
comrades like, and they swearing
to mine in return.
"One man-I'll never forget his
kindness to me-swore that he was
at the auger when it struck me.
He gave the date and everything,
all the circumstances regarding
the case, and said that after mid
night they had invested some two
thousand auger holes in the floor
and extended them into the atmos-
phere above, when he was called
upon to act. He said he took the
auger with a heavy heart, but
made a last appeal, hoping to
bore into the barrel and fill a wash
tub which was held in place by
two sad eyed boys, who had been
whooping of it up the night before
and so pined now for something to
moisten their mouths, which, as
they expressed it, had a flavor
which reminded them of a basket
of pups.
"He said he all at once heard a
yell, which turned the hair
spring in his watch perfectly white.
He jerked the auger out, and, ac-
cording to his sworn testimony, on
the end it had a fragment of an old
army shirt and birthmark which
he recognized, saying to those
about him. MY God! we have
bored into the commissary's assis-
sistant; let us begone without de-
lay.'
"After such testimony as this 7
thought l would only have to es-
tablish my own identity, and as
sert on oath that my vitals are con-
stantly exposed to the night air,
and my finer feelings are liable at
any moment to fall out and be ap-
propriated by others. l did so state
to the commissioner of pensions,
who replied in a fippant way, re-
ferring me to the bureau of vital
statistics, ard stating that friend
of his had just perfected an awning
to be worn over such apertures to
keep the works of those who had
been bored into in that way from
getting freckels on them.
$50 have mortgaged my place,
thinking 1t 1t was perfectly safe 10