News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1890-01-09
FUN

1t is said that smacking the lips is a
vulgar habit. Much depends on whose
lips are smacked.-Boston Herald.
Unhappy Stone.-Diamond (to sap
phire)-''You seem to be in bad humor
to-day" Sapphire-''Yes, | am very
Blue. "-Jeweller's Weekly.
Where the Schuylkill Flows
'Have drink, grandpop?" "What
is it?" "Schuylkill." ''No, dear; l
have no teeth. "-Philadelphia Inquir-
er.
A Beautiful Opportunity.-''Last
week had such pain all over me. 1t
was terrible. I tell you, doctor
might have made his fortune out of
me hen."-Fliegende Batter.
Yes, dear, the captain of a vessel
sometimes stands on tack, but he
doesn't tear arou Id say naughty
words and do a y apce that would
make make a CD A-Philadelphia
Jones ever made such a success" said
one of his friends to another. "He
never says anything" 'Maybe that's
the reason" was the reply.-Somer-
vile Journal.
Fiancee (of wealthy but ugly many
Have you shaved? eyes" "Have
you plenty of perfume onP" eyes"
''No tobacco in your mouth?' ono"
'EWell, then, you may kiss my poodle"
Pick Me Up.
1t takes two to make a bargain-A
gem of thought says: Be willing to
pass for what you are. We are will
ing, dear gem of thought, but the con-
ductor and the door-tender are not
Binghamton Daily Leader.
Yabsley-"Did 1 understand you to
say that Nudge went insane when
Miss Flip refused him?" Wickwire-
81 don't know what you understood
me to say. What l said was that he
went away mad. "-Terre Haute Ex-
press.
Circumstances Alter Cases. Money
bags (to Hopefur-"See here, you'll
have to cut down your college ex-
penses. Now, when I was boy"
Hopeful-''That's all right; l have a
rich father and You hadn't. New
York Herald.
A proof of everything-s'I suppose
you are ready to substantiate any state
ment your paper makes?" said an
angry-looking caller to the editor.
"Oh, yes; we have the compositors
prove everything that is set up
Washington Capital.
Balm. Papa (after the seance in
the woodshed)-''Do you know that it
pains me more than it does you to
have to whip your" The Terror
"No, papa; 1 didn't know it; but
now that you've told me feel better"
Philadelphia Inquirer.
And They Flew.-Lover-"Co
darling, let us fly" Sweetheart-'.We
have no wings" al can furnish wings
that will help u.s." "Where are they ?"
"Oh, Uncle Sans golden eagles; and l
halzo- plenty OF thoIn-. : zCharHe,- dear,
l.
Overheard on the street cars-(On
the way to Sunday SchooD -"Mamma,
you haven't given me my five cents yet
to send to the heathen." 81 have Just
given it to the heather myself, Tommy.
That conductor charged me full fare
for you."-Chicago Tribune.
Truly his own: Hollis Holworthy-
calais, how unfortunate Tom Guzzler
has been of late! He has but one
thing left which he can rightfully call
his own" Jack Matthews-"And
that?" Hollis Holworthy-''His insa-
tate thirst. Harvard Lampoon.
Diamonds have advanced 10 per
cent. in price during the past six
months, and the dealers in these
precious stones say a further advance
is at hand. In that case it looks as if
you might have to buy your wife
calendar for Christmas. - Boston
Herald.
Belinda-"I see that Clara has taken
to sending liberal donations to the hos
pitfalls and asylums." Annabel-'Yes;
yOi oCC oIIC HIS 6ftLg llllS Sue COulu
possibly want, she has not wish I'M
gratitied, SO she is going in for self
denial and giving to the poor."-
America.
She wanted an introduction: Charles
81 adore you, Edith, but alas! l am
poor. However, l have wealthy
uncle from whom l have expec-"
Edith (eargerly)-''Is he married?"
Charles mo, darling" Edith :
'"Then introduce me to him, there's a
dear. Scraps.
Mrs. Youngbride-'How does your
breakfast suit you this morning, dar-
ling?" Mr.. "Just right
tell you, Annie, it may be plebeian,
but am awfully fond of calf's liver"
Mrs. Youngbride-''So am [. Don't
you think, George, it would be real
nice to keep calf, then we could have
calf's liver for breakfast every MORN
g?"--America.
Too much nfusion.-Little girl
(who is travelling with her mother in
the sleeping car)-'I guess l won't
have to say my prayers tonight, man.
ma. Misunderstanding; why not,
Flossie?" Little girl-''Why, in all
this noise mammal God couldn't bear