Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-07-06
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.


"a floating debt'-What mans yacht
is In about two cases out of three.-Mer
chant Iraueler.
Corn is an emblem of peace, but it i.
never appreciated until it gets on its ear
-Binghamton Republican.
Strange to say very few fans are pawned
although it is very easy to "raise the
wind" with them.-Bostom Bulletin.
"Silence is golden" "You bet. ] know
several Kentucky men who've made for
tunes from their stills."-New York Sun.
McFingle-"Mrs. Gophast is grass
widow, isn't she?' McFangle- never
knew it. Why ?" McFingle-"Her hus
band died of hay fever"
First Boy-"How do you like your new
teacher" ?" Second boy-"He is not light.
ming teacher. He strikes several times in
the same place. ."-Teras Sytimgs.
Patient IA bank teller r)-"Doctor, would
it hurt me any to count some money thi:
morning." Doctor-"You might coun,
out two $40 bills, 1 think, without any
injury to yourself" f."-Epoch.
Superintendent of Rhode Island mad
house to visitor-"Within these walls are
confined all the lunatics in the State
Visitor from New Jersey)-"Where dc
you get your juries"-Puck.
Eva Ito Ella, just engaged)- 81 suppose,
of course, that Jack got on his knee to
propose?" Ella-"No, he couldn't"
"And why couldn't he, pray?" "Er- be.
cause was on it."-Pick-me-up.
An uptown policeman went to church
last Sunday. When the collector came
along with the plate the policeman coolly
exhibited his badge and the collector
passed on.-Phitadelphia Inquirer.
Bagley-"Have you recovered from
your recent sickness, Bailey% Bailey
''No, not fully" Bagley-"Why. you look
as well as ever" Bailey-"Yes, but / owe
the doctor Sl3 yet.-New York Ledger.
"Whatl going to see her again?
thought you had bidden each other fare
well forever" "Oh, you see she is a
great admirer of music, and our farewells
are all of Patti character."-Phiadeiphia
Times.
Mr.. Bascom-''So poor old Slime Sturgi.
is gone, is he? Does anybody know what
he died of" Mr.. Backlot-"WaP, some
say twas old age and some say twas medi
cine. l kinder think twas 'cuz his hour
had come"
The man who does not trust his wife is
foolish. If she wants to deceive him she
can do it in spite of eternal vigilance, and
he might as well have the comfort of sup.
posing that she is not engaged in making
guy of him.
GLOW does your husband spend his time
evenings" ale stays home and thinks
up schemes to make money" sAnd what
do you do with yourself wTfen he is thus
occupied" "Oh, i think up schemes to
spend it."-Ibe Epoch.
Little Nellie-"Mamma, where are we
going this summer ?" Mamma-"We are
going to very pretty resort in Rhode
Island" Little Nellie-"Rhode Island
Oh, dear | wanted to 80 somewhere where
they'd be room to rum"
Husband -''There is tramp at the
door," Wife-"Give him some of those
biscuits | baked this morning" "No, no,
wife. Have you forgotten the ministers
text Sunday about a man asking for bread
and being given stone?"
Physician (refiectively)-"H'm. The
case is one, think, that will yield to a
mild stimuiant. Let me see your tongue,
madam, if you please" Husband ol
patient (hastily)-"Doctor, her tongue
doesn't need any stimulating."-C Chicago
Tribune.
He rushed downstairs with his hair uncombed
His breeches Ell, out of gesr,
And a general look OF a hasty man
When he gets up on his ear.
His breath came short, his eyeballs blazed,
His cheeks were the hue of gore
As he snstched the morning psper up
And read the baseball score.
"Hab yo' got any medicine dat will pu-
rity the blood?" "Yes, We keep this sar
saparilla, at 81 bottle. 1t purifes the
blood and clears the complexion" "Well
boss, hasn't yo' got somin' fo' about fifty
cents, Jess fo' de blood? ! dom keer about
the complexion."-Lge.
Good minister-"I am exceedingly
gratiGed in the wonderful increase in the
attendance of men at our "Wednesday, Fri
day and Saturday evening prayer meetings
For the past three weeks the church ha:
been thronged with men," His wife-"It;
house-cleaning time."-New York Weekly
Citlzen-"W hat Is your hurry, Mr.. 20
liceman?" Officer Carsey-"The do bt
dhrunk down fornist th' corner, an
Oi'm goin' to arrest him." Citizen-"But
l don't see the necessity to hurry, merely
to arrest drunken man." Officer Corsey-
Dim afraid tn mon moight get set sober
afore Oi do be getting there"
Leyi-"Did you read dot article do
Sundays Herald in about dose lombard
ments of New York?D Moses-"I have
read all apout dose bombardments. 1t va.
choost dreadful how much property might
be destroyed by dose hostile shells" Lev
Dots so. dinks goes right away and
butts my properties ir my vife's name.
don't want to dake any risks"
St. Peter-"What ldo you want ?' Cob
bler-"I want to get in" ST. P.-1Ther,
are no cobblers here" CT suppos,
not, but thought you might let me in i
you knew that always had my repair
done and the boots or shoes ready for tn,
customer at the time appointed" St. P. :
You don't say?' CIT is fact" st
P.-"Come right in and go to the exhibi
tion department. We will show you il
our dime museum"