davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

"A book that is likely to make some
aid.
-Bacon-''The doctor said you had a
very high fever, last week" Egbert-
81 guess he was right. [ notice BY
his bill his charge was $25. "-Yonkers
Statesman.
-Gilhooly-"I heard you were not ex
pected to live" Gus De Smith es
the doctors gave me up" Chow did you
come to get well?" 81 gave up the
doctors. Texas Siftings.
Miss Gushlere-stHow torturing. how
fearful the thought must be for great
singer to know she has lost her voice!
Mr. Praclere-''It's much more torturing
when she doesn't know it. Hartford
Lampoon.
-''Sir." he said to the proprietor of a
dry goods store, II have called to notify
you not to trust my wife on my account,
as She Don't worry, sir. it has
been ten years since you had any credit
at this store!" Free Press.
Get out of this!" said tailor to an
untidy looking tramp, who had strayed
into his store. ''This is not fitting
place for you ST doubt if it's fitting
place for any body" replied the tramp.
Light.
Two busy doctors meet and speak OF
the influenza. "You must have plenty
of work. says one. Don't speak of it, y
replied the other, 81 am absolutely
played out. The patients are killing
their doctors at present. Revenge is
sweet" the other retorts.-Le Figaro.
Tit for Tat. Mr.. Younger Injecting
Miss Winters on the street)-"Why,
how do you do?" Miss Winters with a
cold stare)-"You have evidently made
mistake. SIR" Mr. Younger-''I beg a
thousand pardons-I mistook you for
your mother. Epoch.
-Grindstone-''I don take much stock
in the idea that fish diet builds up the
brain I've lived on fish, fish, fish for
three straight weeks and / feel less like
doing mental labor than l did before ]
began. Fish phosphorus is a humbug.' "
Kiljordan-"You have been expecting
too much from it. Phosphorus only
stimulates the brains. It won't create
them. chicago Tribune.
Manager Ito young playwright
''I'm sorry we can't accept your play. Ii
doesn't quite, suit" Play wright-
That's unfortunate, sir. Will you
kindly suggest wherein it may be i'm
proved?" Manager-''Sorry again, but
I'm just like you in that respect; don I
know thing about writing good play.
Washington Star.
~ think, said Mr.. Jason to his
wife, that if my health does not i'm
prove l shall not last through the sum-
mer." ''I'm sorry to hear it, was the
answer, in not-deeply interested tone.
''Wel'. that is surprising. I'd just like
to know what in the world you feel sor.
ry about?" Because, if you should go
and die in the hot weather it is going to
cost me such a lot of money for ice."-
Terre Haute Express.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
TRIAL BY COMBAT.

The Ordeal of the Duel Practiced Among
the eutonic Tribes.
I 1t had attained a vigorous manhood
among the tribes of Northern Europe
Before their written history began 1t
reached its legal prime in the early
teudal ages, and enjoyed new era of
zetivity under the auspices of later
shivalry. Its hardy constitution enabled
10 to set at naught the attacks of time.
religion and civilization till it was a
koary- anachronism long surviv-
ing its usefulness. Ordeals Of various
kinds, in their essence passive appeal
90 the power of nature as the vo &c of
God, once formed part of the judicial
system of almost every nation, whether
OF the East or West Trial by combat,
tsn the contrary. in which the litigants
were instruments in the appeal as we'll
IS subjects of it, had no such universal
ffty Angry men have fought from the
beginning, and will fight to the end
I But trial by combat, deliberate stalk
ing of plea upon the issue of duel, is
j a different and far higher thing.
It was not known to the Oriental
races until after contact with the mas
cent chivalry of the West. 1t did not
exist among the ancient Egyptians. We
nnst reject, as Pope Nicholas [ did in
the year s67. the argument that it was
Adivinely instituted when David with his
sling slew the mighty man of war of the
fPhilisGines- TWAS not practiced by the
Greeks 1t was department of juris-
prudence which found no place in the
codes of Roman Emperors or in the
treaties of Roman jurists- 1t is true
hat it comes to the front in history at a
time when the mistress of the world be-
gan to ''droop and slowly d e upon her
throne" but it was not growth likely
TO spring from the decaying tissues of a
high civilization grown corrupt Its
roots must be sought in lands inhabited
by people not vet advanced beyond the
barbarian stage.-Trial by Combat, by
George Nelson.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
CLOTHING FOR A GOOSE.
How an Old Gander Came to Be Dressed
in Red Flannel.


How an Old Gander Came to Be Dressed
in Red Flannel.
Last New Year S, writes corresponds
emit, a very amusing event occurred il
my poultry yard, where l had a flock of
seen geese, which 1 was planning to
keep through the winter. That morn
ing l fed them as usual, giving them
two quarts of corn taken from barrel
in the shed. During the forenoon / had
occasion to pass through the farmyard.
and, to my dlsmay, found the old gander
stretched on the snow, apparently dead.
The geese, too, appeared unusually
dumpish as if other deaths might be ex-
pected in short time.
ANNOYED at the loss of the gander
resolved to make the damages as light
as possible, and SO picked him up, car
ried him to the house, and proceeded to
pick off his feathers. This done, | left
his body at the back door to be car
ried off by one of the men.
In the middle of the afternoon heard
most unusual honking and squawking
in the barnyard, and ran out to see what
was the matter.
Matter enough, surely! There was
the old gander whom had stripped and
left for dead strutting about among the
geese, who had recovered from their
mornings stupidity, and evidently
didn't like the novel appearance of
their former lord and master" They
were chasing the poor, shivering, naked
creature about the yard, giving him
spiteful pecks at every opportunity.
| laughed till the tears came at the
comical sight Then / caught the poor
creature, carried him to the house, and
clothed him in red flannel, which
sewed on. He was funny-looking
gander.
The geese liked him little better than
before, and pec]1ed and chased him SO
badly that kept the unfortunate biped
by himself for few days till he had
become little accustomed to his red
little difficulty in recovering his former
dignity and prestige.
What had caused the seeming death
of the poor gander was soon apparent
The mischief was in the corn barrel.
One of the farm laborers, an excellent
fellow, save that once in three or four
months he would have "a little bit of
good time,'' as he expressed it, had hid
den his bottle of whisky, with which he
intended to celebrate New Years, in
the corn barrel over night. The cork
came out, the contents escaped and
saturated the corn, and my unfortunate
geese had the little bit of good
time"
1t was an amusing, yet pertinent
temperance lesson to the man, and it
was six months before he again INDUCED
his appetite. l wish 1 could write that
he completely reformed, but hereditary
faint and habit were too strong to be thus
overcome. The gander wore his flannel
suit all winter, and was spoken of ever
after as the ''red nannel gander."-
YOUTHS Companion.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
COLLECTING BAD DEBTS.

A Chicago Man Has New Scheme Which
Works Every Time.
Away out where Blue Island aveLue
interseets the prairie there lives a bad
debt collector named John Smiley, whose
ingenuity deserves better recompense
than it obtains.
When all other means of collecting
debt have failed recourse is had to
Smiley. Only the desperate cases are
given to him, as he charges SO per cent.
commission on his collection. The other
day he went into downtown Office to
collect bill of $40. His dress was
funereal, his face sanctimonious, his
eyes beatific in their upward roll. In
one hand he carried a small vial, in the
other the bill which he was trying to
collect.
s.This is the fourth time have called"
said he, in sepulchral tones. 81 am a
poor man; 1 am desperate. 1t is not
worth the throw of a die to me whether
1 live or die. Ny inability to collect
this bill has almost driven me out of my
mind See this holding out vial,
land see this" holding out the paper.
Zone is bottle of strychnine and the
other is a bill against you for $40.
Either you pay the bill or 1 take the
strychnine."
Better take the strychnine," was the
suggestion.
''All right, but if 1 take the poison I'll
take it here. / have a friend outside
who has my dying statement in his
pocket. In that say hat l was driven
to suicide because you refused to pay
this bill That will be in all the news
papers tomorrow morning. The pub
licity won't hurt me then, because I'll
be dead: but you can judge of the effect
such statement will have upon YOU"
Smiley's aspect grew still more
funeral as he stopped talking, and his
hand fumbled nervously at the stopper
of the bottle.
@'Well, here's your $40. Now get out.
didn't give it to him because l thought
he would commit suicide" explained
the debtor, ''but because he's got new
scheme for collecting bad debts. I'm a
pretty hard man to collect from, but
this chap carries too many guns for me"
Chicago News
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
PITH AND POINT.

"A little learning is dangerous
thing; but the danger is not in the
learning but the littleness.
Whatever you or your friends do Is
never wholly wrong; whatever yoHr
enemy or his friends do is never wholly
right.
The man who doesn't know where
his next dollar is to come from always
sends it where his last went.-Phila-
phia Times.
When you can induc man to hold
your horse in the rain, how natural it is
to tarry around the fire on the inside
Atchison Globe.
Praise never gives us much pleasure
unless it concur7 with our own opinion,
and extol us for chose qualities in -ahich
we chiefly e4cel.-Hume.
pect less of them, and am reader to
call man good on easier terms than |
was formerly.-Dr. Johnson.
Common courtesy is quite distinct
from matter of common curtesy, but
some people don't seem to know it
Merchant Traveller.
He who bears failure with patience
is As much of a philosopher as he who
succeeds; for to put up with the world
eeds as much .isdom as to control it.
"A slight d; eergence at the outstart
carries the arrow far out of the way at
the end, i've. as false step in starting
gives life result that is disastrously
vide of the mark. To begin we'll is to
begin true, and with sure aim.-United
Presbyterian.
Every one who suffers punishment,
if the punishment has been rightly dealt
him by another, must needs either him.
self be made better and thus benefit
thereby, or else serve as an example to
others, that they, seeing the sufferings
which he endures, may be made better
through dread of them.
The man whose conversation is
habitually chaste and pure, from whose
lips mo corrupt communication" pro-
ceeds, and whose words tend to minis
ter grace unto the hearers" knows how
to talk and what to say. One is always
in good company when in the company
of such a man. His society is worth
having, and contact with him will tend
to make one better.
Vaccination is compulsory In rn-
gland and optional in France. In the
large cities of France the number OF
deaths from smallpox was 1856, or
OBJ per 1000 of the living population.
In the large cities of England during
tho cama po,.iod f|o p,,,,, Lor rf doo<ho
was S32, or 0.04 per 1000.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
The INDIAN NAME.
How q Noble Red Man Victimized an On
sophisticated BOstonlan.

How q Noble Red Man VIctimized Un-
soph istIcated Bostoulan.
A gentleman, who was once we'll
known figure in Boston. but who has
for some years resided in d distant city
in the West, where he prospered and
laid up a goodly store of this worlds
goods, purchased year Or two ago
piece of land in the suburbs of the
city which he now calls home, and
proceeded to build himself house
there. There was tradition that the
spot where the house stood had been
in former times a favorite camping
ground of the red man. and that it
poss essed an Indian name. This he
was anxious to learn. and to that end
he applied to one of the Oldest resi-
dents, who told him that in a town not
far off there lived the last remnant of
the Indian tribe that once roamed the
forests Whereabouts, and that one OF
them could doubtless give him the de-
sired information. Accordingly, he
sent to the town in question, and
the result was that in q few days an
old Indian. arrayed in store-clothes
of the secondhand persuasion. came to
his house. He was invited to have a
seat on the piazza, and after he had
settled himself comfortably his host
stated his object. Mr.. 10 listened very
attentively, and when he had heard his
ouestioner all through. he said:
ugh! Indian hungry" This was a
strong hint. so a large amount of
broken food was brought and quickly
dispatched. Then the whole story was
gone over again. and he was urged to
tell the Indian name of the place.
ugh! Indian thirsty" he said.
Fire water was brought in a tin Dip
per and tossed off at gulp, and again
he was pressed for information.
ugh! Indian cold" he exclaimed.
A blanket was brought. and. having
wrapped it about him with all the Dig
nifty of a Roman Senator, he pointed to
the ground and pronounced one word:
:Onocee."
Great was the JOY of the proprietor.
AAO AdO AOuA0 11O hChAO Va AAAo VSecsSOs
1t was musical and sweet In his ears
At once he had note paper engraved
with the word 'Onocee," his wife had
it inscribed on her cards, and on the
great granite gate-post which stood at
the entrance to his grounds he had it
cut in deep and lasting letters. Soon
after he met the old resident, who, in
his early days, had learned something
OF the local Indian dialect. and thanked
him for having put him in a way to
rescue from oblivion the aboriginal
name of his estate.
''And what did he say it WASP"
asked the old resident. -'He said
'Onoccer" The venerable resident
burst into fit of laughter, which so
annoyed the proprietor of 4-Onocee'
that he demanded an explanation.
what are you laughing at?r he asked.
''Oh! nothing" he replied. "'Onocee'
means i don't know that's all" The
note paper has been destroyed, and so
have the lady's cards and ,ard-plate,
but the gate-post remains. sacred to
ths memory 81 ''Onocee" - Boston
Budget
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06
Flower Bonnets VIII he the Rage.

/ Flower bonnets will be more than
ever in vogue the coming season, and
for very dressy wear these appear to be
r. mere wreath of beautiful blossoms
amounted upon what looks to be few
1riers and foliage lightly interlaced,
this floral network forming what is
called the bonnet portion. Pretty mod
els made entirely of Neapolitan violets
xre seen in all the shops They look
very dainty and are wonderfully mex
pansive. These bonnets are not formed
of the stiff, artifcial-looking violets
but the soft double blossoms, delicately
shaded, and often perfumed with the
e1or az che natural violet-.N. Y. Post
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06

Complies with fuli set OF nlckeH
plated attachments and all necessary needles, bob
bins and tools. Have others with and drawers
and one without drawers or case for e12.75 Also
many other useful articles ON which we can save
you Is to 90 per cent Standard Watches at unua>
ually close hgures. Send for catalogues.
A. T. EVANS d CO.. 162 State St.. Chicago
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1890-08-06

When Baby WAS sick. we gave her Castoria-
When she was Child, she cried for Castoria.
When she became Miss, she chung to Castoria-
, 1890-09-23
insanity with consciousness.

In a discussion at one of the congress-
es held in Paris on mental diseases DR..
Fabret, II distinguished alienist, re-
marked upon the undoubted existence
of certain forms of mental alienation in
which patients perfectly recognize the
anomalous nature of the phenomena
which they experience, but without be-
ing able to disembarrass themselves
from them. DIR. Fabret dwelt on these
intellectual obsessions as being emotiye
or instructive, or veritable morbid i'm
pulsions, dominating the will, citing
among other examples the obstinate
search for words, the fear OF a knife, of
n window. the terror of open or closed
spaces, the necessity for repeating GER
lain words or c Iin phrases, etc.
IheEe Hre q Iarily hereditary, peri
odical or rcIn.ttent, and are accompanied
by anguish and Il sort of interior strug-
gle, but never presenting Authorizations
and never ending in dementia. The in
sanity of doubt is the most common ex-
preston of this psychical state, the pa
tients continually Illuminating in their
minds over the same ideas and the same
acts, questioning themselves on every
thing, and having senseless scruples in
regard to everything. If the patient is
a physician he doubts the prescriptions
that he has Just written, and frequently
sends to bring them back in the fear Of
having committed some error. Another
class consists of timorous subjects, and
who are n prey to n sort of continued
cerebral pruritis Ne : York Tribune.
, 1890-09-23

CHICAGO, Sept. 22.-The South park
commissioners this morning acceded to
tue request OF the national commissioners
to allow the uso of Washington park for
The worlds lair in addition to Jackson
park and the midway plaisance. This
practically settles the yexed site question
10 the satisfaction of the national com
mission. At the opening of the session
shls morning the commission passed reso
lutlons OF regret at the dcath OF Cover
nor Stevenson, of Nevada.
at 3;45 this afternoon the national
commission voted to accept the amended
slte as rendered by the local board. This
ste includes Washington and jackson,
Tue midway plaisance connecting them
unanimous.
, 1890-09-23

WASHINGTON, Sept. 22.-T6e senate
passed a number of bills on the calendar,
including the senate bill to change the
boundaries of the UncomahCre reservation
this is a modification of the bill having
the same title which was vetoed by the
president), and the senate bill relative to
Pancho Punta de la LaSuna.
Plumb offered a resolution, which was
agreed to, calling on the secretary of the
interior as to whether the lands granted to
the state of California on certain con-
ditions by the act of June 30, 1864, (the
Yosemite valley and Mariposa big tree
grant, had been ~spoilated or otherwise
diverted from the public use contemplated
by tie grant.
The joint resolution proposing an
amendment to the constitution in relation
TO the manufacture, importation. exporta-
ton, transportation and sale of alcoholic
beverages was reached and called for.
Cockrell asked that the committee re
ports be read, and the reading occupied
what was left OF the hour assigned 20 the
calendar and no vote was taken on the
resolution.
The senate then resumed consideration
of the bill to define and regulate the
jurisdiction of the courts of the United
States, the pending question being on
Daniels amendment extending the
jurisdiction OF the supreme court. 1t was
rejected
Vest offered a substitute for the bill
proposing three divisions of the supreme
court of three justices each, the chief
justice to make assignments to those
divisions; hat all final decisions of the
divisions be considered by the court in
banc and shall require the concurrence OF
five justices. Vest did not insist on a vote
ported from the committee OF the whole
to the senate, which went into executive
session and adjourned without disposing
of IL
, 1890-09-23

WASHINGTON Sept. 2l.-Morey of
New Hampshire introduced a bill in the
house today making it ar offense punish
able by a fine OF $500 FIR a member to
absent himself Tor the purpose OF weaken
ing a quorum
The conclusion reached by the Re
publican representatives in caucus this
afternoon was to go on with the Langston-
Venable election case at all hazards.
From the house Indian affairs committee
a bill was today reported to pay SG,21l, ia
to the Choctaw and Chickasaw nation of
Indians for title 10 fee simple to 6,2ll .633
acres of land in Indian territory, Icing
land which tue Indians in 1886 leased to
the United States for the especial purpose
Of locating other friendly Indians and
freedmen thereon
, 1890-09-23

SONhA hAN AlhSoAh : LILO.
The Oh ina in the world who could
have prevented the assassination of
President Lincoln is dead. John Fred
erick Parker. born in Winchester, Va,
came to Washington some time before
the firing upon Fort Sumter, and soon
found employment upon the metropoli-
tanp police force. When, in 1862, it was
decided TO strengthen the regular force
of doorkeepers and watchmen at the
White House with a squad of policemen
Parker was one of those selected. 1t
thus happened that when President Lin
doln and party entered the old Ford the
atre on the night of Good Friday, 1865,
they were accompanied by Parker as
guard. He took his position at the door
to the private box from which President
Lincoln watched the performance, where
he was expected to remain and prevent
the entrance of every one except the
members of the party.
As the play proceeded Parker, from
his post, could hear just enough of what
was said Oh the stage to arouse his Curl
osity, and it was not long before he left
the door and edged his way toward the
auditorium. He finally took a seat in
the orchestra or pit" as it was then
called, where he had scarcely settled
himself when the whole audience was
surprised by the report of a pistol shot.
The assassin, Booth, had stealthily up
preached the door of the presidents pri-
vate box, where, finding no one to chal-
lenge him, he entered un~announced and
fired the fatal shot. There is no ques-
ton in the minds of those who are ia
miliar with the details that had Parker
remained at his post Booth could never
have taken President Lincoln
Washington Cor. Chicago News.
, 1890-09-23
Stocks and carrIe Markets.

New YORK. Sept. 22-The stock
market opened lower this morning not
withstanding the efforts to rally the mar
ket. The weakness increased aud the
lowest prices of the day were reached in
the last hour. The close was quiet but
weak at about the lowest prices of the
day and North American is down A.,
Union Pacific % aud Northern Pacific
preferred Il.
Goyernslents-Heavy.
Money-On call easy at SCG3s per
cent.
Petroleum-Market weak. Pennsyl-
vania, spot opened at SOL, closed so;
October opened at sl3, closed SOL.
Copper-Neglected. Lake, September,
$16.75.
Lead-NomInal. Domestic, S5.I24.
Tin-lrregular and less active. Straits,
$500.
Bar silver-$l.l5
Following are closing prices Of stocks:
U. s. As, registered, %. U. S. a.,
coupons, "a, U. S. Ais, registered, 81;
U. 5. AIS, coupons, A.; Pacific 6s. IA;
American Express, 10; Canada Pacific,
70: Canada Southern; 544; Central Pa
SlhC. OIL DuIIlnRlouf Sbs,
Lackawanna & Western, 143s; Denver &
RIO Grande. l94; Erie, 243; Kansas 4
Texas. III; Lake Shore, 1909; Louisville
4 Nashville, ssh; Michigan Central, 93i;
Missouri Pacific. cog; Northern Pacific,
29E preferred, 751; Northwestern, 1911:
preferred, l42; New York& Central,
lO54; Oregon Navigation. 94s; OREGON
Improvement, 142; TranscOntinental, 4aI;
Pacific Mail, 444; Reading, Al; Rock
Island, SOL; Milwaukee 4 St. Paul,
Co. st. Paul x Omaha, 80; Texas Pa
ciic, 10; Union Pacific, 57t; Fargo Ex-
press, 40i Western Union. S2s; Oregon
Short Line, 364; American cotton oil 239.
CHICAGO, Sept. 22.-Cattle-Receipts
10000, Market weak. Natives, 50. 90
@5.25; Texas steers, 50. I592 so; Texas
cows, Sl.7092 90; westerns. 50. 100
400.
Sheep-Receipts, "a, 900. Market lower.
Natives, SO. 1904 so; western, S4.I59
$50; Texans, 5 10(94 30.
Wheat-Steady. Cash 49,; December,
1.02; May. l.O6@.
Corn-Easy. Cash, Ash; October,
49f; May, 50iG50s.