Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-10-02
WIT AND HUMOR.

Journal.
A good text for baseball sermon
"Where are the nine?n-Btrtingtors
Free Press.
There would be no trouble in poll
tics if the politician were let alone and
given his ay.-Scranton Truth.
when is the best time to cook a
dumping for Henry?" after you are
safely married to him. '-Society.
The worst thing about the woman
who says Il told you So" is that she
generally tells the truth.-Som'er0iIIe
Journal.
The true moral depravity of betting
on horse races is best seen by the man
who backs the wrong horse.-Bdtttma0re
american.
1t seems quite natural that the
threads of conversation should some
times produce q long yarn.-Bjaghana-
ton Republican.
1t is melancholy fact and much to
be regretted that good people who want
only what is right often get what is
left.-DuLidS Ne1US.
Mrs. Wiseman-'Isn't your husband
a little bald?" Mrs. Hendricks Gndig-
nantly)-'There isn't bald hair in
his head" Chatter.
The latest distinguished horse on the
turf is named Semicolon. 1t must be
rather difficult to bring him to full
stop.-B0Ston Herald.
Truth may lie at the bottom of
well, but it doesn't trouble the average
fisherman. He never goes there to fish.
-Y0Hter'S Statesman.
The average boy will make pair of
pantaIoons look antiquated in day.
There is nothing new under the son.
burlington Free Press.
The best cure for obesity is to board
for the summer at a farmhouse where
you will be treated like one OF the
family. "-BoSton Gazette.
1t is wise man who can remember
ten days after great deed was done
that it was his wife and not himself
who did it.-AtchiS0n Globe.
Suppose your wife ceased to love
your" suggested the cynic. We'll"
said the young lawyer II would &C
a.
Guilty-''S mithers was arrested for
running off with Bronson's daughter"
clipping is not a crime" No, but
miss-appropriation is. "-Harper'S b.
EGr.
First Mate-'Well sir, things are
going smoothly now, sir" Captain
Yes. That is because several of
the sailors have been ironed. "-Lippin-
colts.
Well, did she refuse you point
blank?n mo, she was very nice about
it-said | might call around in five
years and learn her decision. ~. Y.
Hcraid.
He was awful" said Chappie indig-
nantly. He said if | opened my
mouth again he'd put head on me-"
why didn't you accept his ofer?"-
Figaro
Life Insurance Agent (to man who
thing that saves you is the fact that /
insured your life last week. FIiegende
Btatter.
Wickwire-"Q Queer, isn't it, that men
generally marry their opposites?" Mr..
n. Peck-"But they wouldn't if they
knew it beforehand. "-Ierre Haute
Cypress.
Very many people who are taking
in summer bOarders are people who
have seen better days and lived better.
SO have their boarders.-NeaO Orleans
Rcayt2le.
Gazzam Here's an opera company
advertising two funny comedians. !"
MaddoN-''Well, that's an improves
ment on the old kind, any way
Br005lyD Life.
one L 90 Deueve urace InornulKe
gets engaged to as many us twenty fell
lows every summer He-''Aha! A
kind of three days Grace, as it were,"
-BurtjHgton Free Press.
Next Sunday, said the divine, Il
shall preach on the Eight Deadly
Sins" Eight" queried the vestry-
man. ''What is the eighth?n The
choir."-N. Y Hcrald.
Miss Plaingirl--'I sometimes fear
that he doesn't love me; yet he kissed
me last night" Miss Prettypert-
Then you may rest assured that he
loves you."-N Y. San.
Harry-"Now, Jack. stand up and
tell OR guests what you know-it
won't take you very long" Jack
I'll tell them what we both know
1t wont take me any longer. "-Figdr0
"All the fools are not dead yet,n
said a cantankerous Richmond man to
his spouse. OF course they are not,
John" replied his wife, for if they
were I'd be a widow. Richmond Re-
corder.
Well" said good, old-fashioned
Mrs. Frudington, as she laid down the
opera-glass, after a survey of the sum-
mer opera chorus. Il s'pose one has to
excuse a great deal in warm weather"
-WdShtngton Post.
The difference between mems and
.women's ways is nowhere shown SO
plainly rs in trouble Where woman
gives way to flood of tears man pro-
ceeds to put up few strong DAMS
1e2re Hd1te Express.
He-"What right or what excuse had
you to steal my heart" She-''It was
case of kleptomania, suppose. That
is what it is called. is it not, when one
steals something she has no use for?"-
Ierre Haute Express.
Old Gentleman (from head of the
stairs at a late hour)-'Clara | think
you and that young man have talked
enough for one evening"" Clara-"All
tight, pa. We won'tsay another word"
LlppiatcoH'S Magazine.
Irate 1outh-''See here, Duzenberly,