davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
THE JoKER'S BUDGET.
TESTS AND YARNS By FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
A Steady Diet-soft all Around
Where Haste was Prudence
Short of cash-Etc., Etc.
THE MA1pEN's CHOICE.

THE MAIDEN's CHOICE.
have three lovers, good and grand,
Each worthy of my heart and hand.
You wonder how shall decide
Which one may claim me for his pride.
Each has a charming, manly face;
Each has kindly, honest grace
With lovely hair and winning eyes,
The smiles of each dearly prize.
Each of the perfect trio seems
The beau ideal of my dreams.
Iknow that could happy be
With any Of the loving three.
You ask me how shall decide
Which one may claim me for his Drldef
To YOU my secret I'll disclose
I'll wed the first who dares propose.
A KLEPToMANIAc.
Mr.. Crimsonbeak know Swipes
Mrs. Crimsonbeak-Yes; what's the
matter with himl
"He's troubled with kleptomania. !"
'sYou don't say so! Poor fellow! hi
ought to take something for it"
"That's the trouble. He takes toe
much. ~ Yonkers Statesman.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20

1.-THE Jury.
Az AMENDED ADAeE.
All things come to him who waits"
Is saying old and clever,
But some poor unfortunates
Are compelled TO wait forever.
While the saying initiates
Truth, It's sadly in the rough.
All things come to him who waits
That's i be waits long enough"
WHY IT COMES nIeH.
Patient (who has Just had his eve oper.
ated upon)-Doctor, il seems to me $50
Is high price to charge FOR that lob. II
didn't take you ten seconds.
Eminent Oculist-Mv dear 4riend IN
learning to perform this operation in ten
seconds have spoiled more than two
bushels Of such eyes as yours.
NOT DIGNITY.
us that immovable man sitting on the
hotel piazza one Of your citizensf' asked
visitor in a neighboring town. "Yes
he's an old resident, replied the man ad,
dressed ''He is a very dirnifed man. I
Judge" continued the stranger. stOh
no; that's not dignity you notice. y ex.
planned the other, that's laziness v
Chicago Globe.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
VALUABLE INFORMATION.

For the third time little Tommy Figg
had asked his father what was the cause
of the desert of Sahara.
Finally the old man laid down his
paper and answered: II reckon it was
formed when the Israelites lost their
sand. And if you don't quit asking me
so many questions, I'll see that your
mother puts you to bed before | get
home hereafter
'sBut paw, how can you see her put
me to bed if she puts me to bed before
you get homer
And that question was Tommy's last
for that evening. [Tere Haute Elk
press.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
THE HONEYMOON.

she-My dear, tell me why you look so
cross. You should have no secrets from
me. Remember you and are one, now.
He-Well, the landlord doesn't seem
to think so, anyhow.-[Pick Me Up.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
GREAT SPORT.

"Were you in the White Mountains
last summer"
eyes. Had a good time"
'Is there any game in the mountains
now2n
"oh, yes; we played tennis and bean
bags all the time. v Bazaar.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
SOFT ALL AROUND.

elbow beautifully soft it is, he muir
INJURED, laying his hand on her glorious
white arm.
''How less beautiful, but oh, so much
softer,n she tenderly replied, laying her
jeweled hand on the top of his venerable
head. II Washington Star.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
MEANT TO BE GALLANT.

lncfe is young member OF Qplo
matte corps in this city who is disposed
to be polite, but who is not always judi
h cious. He was conversing with a lady
who combines intellectual and physical
graces with considerable degree Of ma
turity.
II have enjoyed talking with you very
much, y he said, ''It is pleasure to be
/ in the society of some one who has oh.
served the world
"But, Mr.. Brown" she said, laugh
ingly, ''perhaps | am not so old as
look. 2
81 was always sure of that he re-
turned, with all the gallantry Of manner
that he could muster Washington
Post.
HES GOING TO FRAME 1T.
Chappy-What do you think | found
to-day, auld boy, in looking over my
thingsl
Aud Boy-I can't think.
"a tailor's bill.n
"Well, what's remarkable about that.
I'd like to know"
lit was receipted."
SENSITIVE STOMACH.
81 have an attack of dyspepsia this
morning."
"What brought it onr'
II dreamed of overeating last night. -
-[chicago Times.
FORGOT HIMSELF.
American Heircss-Gracious Nv hair
is coming down. Won't YOU please push
that bunch back into its place and hold
it while fasten it1
Count De La Fayette Mont Morency-
Certainmong, Mees. Dair, Get ees fineesh.
Nextll-lNew York Weekly.
A STEADY DIET.
"Well, young man, so you want to
marry my daughter, ehl What do you
expect to live ongn
why, my brains.n
''But don't you think that your wife
will tire of a diet of calls brainsgn-
:Bazar.
WHERE HASTE WAS PRUDENCE.
Old Mr.. Walstrete-And YOU have
sufficient means, young man, to support
my daughter in comfort9
Jack Hastings-Why, yes; provided
I'm not ruined by the expenses Of long
engagement
AN ECLIPSE.
Mother-I'm afraid your husband is
going to be i'll. How did he look this
morning at breakfast
Young Wife, didn't see him. He
was reading the paper.-[Life.
BASEBALL DAYS.
Baseball days are growing higher.
Soon the schoolboy falsifier
Win hockey" play and see each game-the
sly, deceiving fellow;
The while the sun upon the bleaeher
To brown will tan each feature:
But when his father tans him be viii make
the truant yell-"ohi"
-IChicago Herald.
AHEAD OF HER YEARS.
Mr.. Rowne de Bout-1fiss Oldun talks
like sixty.
Miss Winnie Garr-That's queer. She
says she isn't forty yet.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20

Mr.. Goode- Catoh-eI guess you don't
get as nice presents on your birthday as
your sister Elsie does on hers2
Kittle Fannie-No, but have birth
day every year, while sister Elsie only has
one once in three years. The Jury.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
A CONSIDERABLE LITTLE BOY.
ohhy-I want some moro candy.

Bobby want some more candy.
Mother-I can't give you any more
candy. When anybody has too much
candy big black bear comes and eats
him.
Bobby-Then give me the paper, quick,
so the big bear won't eat you. Texas
Siftings.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
A GOOD ARRANGEMENT.

Applicant ask for the hand of your
daughter.
Parent-Haye you any prospects for
the future7
"None whatever
"she hasn't any, either. Take her, my
boy, and be happy"
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
TRIALS OF A MEDICAL MAN.

Physician Shaking his head)-My
friend, | can do nothing more for you.
Patient (alarmed)--Why, what is the
matter, doctorl
Physician (gloomily)--You don't need
any more medicine. You have quite
recovered.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
SAFETY OF DueoUTs.

Mr.. DeScience (of New York)-I
notice that writer in the Forum says
poor man is better of in crowded city
tenement-house than in a western dug
out, exposed to the fury Of cyclones.
Mr.. Quartersection (of Kansas)-He
does, does heg Well, you just tell that
smart indervidual, fer me, that thar is
three things a cyclone can't blow away
wells, cisterns an dugouts. Guess he
don't know dugout is hole in the
ground. New York Weekly.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
somE UNCERTAINTY.

owen, why don't You speak out
don't YOU like it9" said the artist.
IL don't know yet-ah-is that goat
or a cactus there off in the neidF-
New York Sun.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
SHORT OF CASH.

sIsn't that coat rather short for you,
Tom2" -
ayes, that's the way l was myself
when / was measured for it, and the
blamed tailor seemed to know it,
Yankee Blade.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
SOOTHING.

Ifyou're not pretty when you're young
This consolation hold
That in some fifty years or SO
You win be pretty old.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
THE SEA OTTER
THE FUR IS MORE ExpESsr,
THAN sEALsKry

How the Animals Are Killed A..
a Short Stretch of Our p,s'
coast-Derricks Needed by !
Hunters.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
AN INDUSTRIOUS GIRL.

Mr.. Middlewick what has my
little girl been doing to-dayg
The Little Girl-Oh, have been busy
all day, papa, sewing and repairing.
Mrs. Middlewiek-Y Yes, she sewed one
finger of glove this morning, and then
she repaired to the Girards' and STAYED
there till half an hour ago. AIunsey's
Weekly.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20

Miss Sharply beg your pardon. Mr..
Noodley, did l understand YOU to saw
somethingl
Mr.. Noodley pouting)-Why, my dear
Miss Sharpley, I've been talking to you
for half an hour, don't You know.
Miss S.-Yes, know that.
And now Mr.. Noodley wonders what
she meant by that sort of remark.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20

Mr.. Rowne de Bout-Rfiss Oldun talks
like sixty.
Miss Winnie Garr-That's queer. She
says she isn't forty yet.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
SENSITIVE STOMACH.

81 have an attack of dyspepsia this
morning."
''What brought it onln
II dreamed of overeating last night. u
-[Chicago Times.
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
wnERE nAsrE Vas rnupExcE.

Old Mr.. Walstrete-And you have
sufficient means, young man, to support
my daughter in comfortg
Jack Hastings Why, yes; provided
I'm not ruined by the expenses Of long
engagement
Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1890-03-20
THE QUIET MAN.

N We seen a good many strange
N things in my time, as you know,
but l've never yet told you about
" the strangest of them all; and |
M can promise you that it's a story
worth hearing"
X So spoke General R, as
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
THE SECRET SESSION PROBLEM
The Proposal to Open the Doors Under
Discussion Again.

The Senate has about determined to in
vestigate the wicked newspaper men who insist
upon publishing to the world the secrets of the
executive session. The matter was under dis
cussion for some time in the executive session
yesterday afternoon and the old question OF
the advisability of opening the doors during
the discussio of nominations was debated at
some length. During the discussion MIR. Teller
urged upon the Senate the advisability of
adopting his proposition to open the doors, sub
mitted during the special session last April.
Mr.. Platt supported Mr.. Teller. The chairman
of the committee on rules, Mr. Aldrich.
was not present and no suggestion was
received from the committee, therefore
as to its attitude toward the Teller reso-
luton. After the adjournment of the Senate,
however, the matter was brought to the atten-
ton OF Senator Aldrich and he said that he
would call a meeting of the committee for
Wednesday of this week to consider the reso-
luton. Senator Aldrich is known to be strongly
III favor of open executive sessions and
Senator Blackburn will probably join him. The
other members of the committee, Senators
Ingalls,. Sherman and Harris, are opposed to
opening the doors, so the resolution in all like
hhood will be reported adversely, with strong
minority report in its favor
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25

Architect Clark Reports on the Cost OF
Illuminating the Building.

The architect OF the Capitol, Mr. Clark, &C T.
ing under instructions from the Senate COM
mittee on rules, has had under consideration
the problem of ghting the Capitol building
and grounds by electricity. He has made an
extended report, accompanied by communion
tions from the president of the Massachusetts
institute of technology, the president of the
Stevens institute of technology, COMMANDER
Bradford, U.S.N.; George c. Maynard, city
electrician. and j. c. Powell. electrician of the
Treasury department., sent in response to in
quiries made by him. From opinions thus OBJ
tanned he says and from his own observation
ne Is of opinion, that any system of low volt
age lighting now IN general use will be suitable
for lighting the building. the difference being
in matters of detail, such as the character OF
boilers, dynamos and the minor features OF the
plant. The estimated cost of O plant equiva-
lent to 1900 lamps of 16-candle power for
lighting the building and terrace is $685.
1t can be run at a cost of $1,000 per annum for
employees. Sl2190. 80 for fuel and waste and
$4,000 for renewal of lamps repairs. &c. As
to lighting the grounds he thinks it preferable
to arrange with the local company rather than
keep two forces at work running the Capitol
plant day and night. An approximate estimate
for running wires and subways for this pur-
pose is $40, 900, with an additional "a of a cent
per lamp per hour for lighting. The cost of
maintenance would be considerably more than
the present cost of gas, and the architect there
fore does not recommend the change. The
architect suggests the ACCESSIBILITY Of establish
ing the plant on government ground near the
Capitol. The cost would probable be $50 900
for running the main wires and constructing a
subway, but he thinks even this would be
cheaper than maintaining an individual plant
on either side of the Capitol.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
POLICEMEN AND THEIR PISTOLS.
They Will Have Target Practice in the
National Guards Gallery.

The courtesies Of the District national guard
have been extended to the police OF this city
and have met with hearty acceptance. Gen.
Ordway yesterday wrote to Col Moore Offering
him, for the use of his men, the rifle gallery
owned by the District guardsmen and situated
in the Ward building on d street between 9Th
and 10th. Here, Gen. Ordway proposes, the
policemen shall, at times which will not inter-
fere with the guard, practice and, SO far as
possible, become skillful with the revolver.
"The kindly offer made by Gen. Ordway has
been accepted" said Col. Moore to a STAR re-
porter yesterday evening. His interest in the
police force is appreciated and l shall shortly
promulgate an order which will, believe, con-
tribute to the efficiency of our guardians of
the peace. Revolver practice may not enable
an officer to distinguish between the guilty and
the innocent, but it will probably enable him
to hit the man he aims at, and that's some
thing"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
A CHURCH TROUBLE IN COURT,
Judge Miller Tells How a Preacher Car.
ried a Measure Through a Meeting.

The Mount Bethel Baptist association is still
in existence, although it has no building in
which to worship. A trouble in the church led
to tearing down the building, which was sit
uated near Moore's lane. 1t appears that the
trustees whose names appeared in the printed
minutes of the church had at some meeting.
been dropped and other members
elected in their stead. The ousted trus-
tees, it is alleged, employed Mr. Ralph
Wormiey, carpenter, to tear down the church
building in which religious services had SO
named L. Roy, appeared in the Police Court
this morning and charged Mr.. Wormley with
destroying private property.
Lawyer Cahill, who appeared for the defend
ant, said that this case was a slap at the old or
regular trustees over MIR. Wormley's shoulder.
Trustee Roy was called as q witness and he
told his story as related above.
Are you trustee?" inquired the court
Yes, SIR" was his reply.
did you have the latest improved ballot box
at the election, such as was used at another
church election?'
The witness made no response.
iaiSnng about conting quorums," remarked
tne guuse, "tnere was q remarkable case of
that KIND at former church meeting. The
MODERATOR called some measure before the
meeting that he favored and twenty-eight votes
were cast against it to twelve in its favor. Some
one moved reconsideration, and although
that proposition was voted down the
moderator decided ii carried. Then
the moderator went on to tell
OF the rule that permitted him to discipline
members and provided that members under
discipline could not vote. He thereupon dis
ciplined seventeen out Of the twenty-eight
members and another vote was taken on the
previous question: OF course the VOTE stood
II to IL for the measure and it passed.
Trustee Roy started to explain that The nav
trustees were not elected in that way, but Judee
Miller told him he would have to 60 TO the civil
dismissed
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
Is 1T AN EXCEPTION?
An Army Officer Says Enlisted Men
Generally are Well Treated.

Speaking to STAR reporter Of the case of
Private Wild, whose release from the Fort
Smelling prison was recently ordered by Secre-
tary Proctor, an army officer today said: Il
hope that the public will realize that the great
stir which this affair has caused, both in the
army and out of IL, is the surest proof that il i,
An exception rather than the rule for such
things to occur. 1t is a very bad case, I'M
doubtedly. don't know that ever heard of
more fragrant piece of injustice, but il is
wholly Isolated have had twenty years of
experience with troops and in all that time
have never seen an oIieer strike an enlisted
man or heard of such a thing happening at my
post. Once. and only once, l saw an
officer raise his hand TO a man. but he merely
took hold OF his ear and tweaked it to remind
him OF his duty. Ii was in the ranks and the
man had made a continuation of provoking
mistakes Even for this tribe the officer had
70 apologize to the man IN order to avoid being
coprt-maEtialed"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
THE CANAL QUESTION.
The United States Interest in the Prop.
erty-Judge Alvey's Decision.

The decision delivered yesterday at Hagers-
town by Judge Alvey to appoint receivers for
the Chesapeake and Ohio canal complexities il
is said, the situation respecting the bill pending
before the Maryland legislature authorizing the
lease of the canal to the Washington and Cum
berland railroad. 1t Is expected that the
change in the situation will result in number
Of amendments to the bill when it comes up for
the action Of the senate.
THE LOCK AND DOCK COMPANY
1t has been stated that one of the injuries
Maryland would suffer by the proposed lease of
the Chesapeake and Ohio canal to the Washing
ton and Cumberland railroad would be that the
5000 the state would receive annually would
go to pay guarantee by the state of the same
amount to the Georgetown lock company. In
reply to an order Of the house President Gam
brill OF the canal company sent to the Mary
land house last night copy Of the lease ITSELF
This document shows that the state is not re-
sponsible for the $4,000 to the lock company.
THE UNITED STATES AND THE CANAL.
Representative Lee has received from the
Treasury department the following memoran-
dunn respecting the financial interests of the
United States government in the canal: 1.-THE
act Of Congress, approved May "a, 1928 (volume
Nv, United States Statutes at Large, p. 293), au-
thorizes the Secretary Of the Treasury to sub
scribe, in the name Of the United States, for
ten thousand shares of the capital stock of the
Chesapeake and Ohio canal company. The
subscription amounted to Sl,0OO,OOO. Another
act approved same day Up. 294), enlarged the
powers Of the corporations of Washington,
Georgetown and Alexandria and authorized
subscriptions by them to the stock Of the COM
pany and to effect loans to pay the same.
Under authority of this act the city of Wash
ington subscribed for 5000 shares (S1, 900 OOO),
the city Of Georgetown subscribed for 1850
shares (S50O, 000) and the city Of Alexandria for
$500 shares (S5OO000).
by act of Congress, approved May 20, 1886,
Is Stat 81 the Secretary Of the Treasury was
authorized to assume and discharge the loans
effected in Holland by said cities to pay their
said subscriptions, and required the stock to
be depositad with the Secretary of the Treas
ury, who was empowered at any time within
ten years. as may be most favorable for the
sale of said stock, to dispose of the same. In a
report to the stock holders Of the company in
1851 these subscriptions are set forth (page 39),
and on page SO mention is made of efforts to
have the stock of the United States transferred
to the state Of Maryland, but that, as vet, no
act had been passed for that purpose"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
MIR. CARNEGIE'S DINNER.
How the Pittsburg Millionaire VIII En-
terrain the Pan-Americans Tonight,

The delegates to the Pan-American confer
ence have been banqueted in every city north
Of Mason and Dixons line and have been the
recipients of unlimited private hospitality, but
it is not likely that they ever sat down to a
dinner like that which is given in their honor
by MIR. Andrew Carnegie at the Arlington to-
night, with the President, the Vice President the
Speaker Of the House and the members of the
cabinet as guests. MIR. Carnegie is fond of
doing original and novel things, and having
many millions Of gold and silver and iron and
steel, as well as coal mines, iron mines, rail-
roads, castles and newspapers behind him, is
able to crafty his taste to an unlimited extent
This dinner, in addition to being the most elab-
crate ever given in Washington, will be the
most unique in many respects.
THE MENUS.
There are two menus, one of food and one Of
music, and the courses alternate, soup and
song, entire and cornet solo. The numbers on
the musical program are assigned to Miss
Decca, Herndon Morsell, Miss Alice Raymond,
the famous lady cOrnet player; Mr. Xander,
MIR. Ernest Lent, the 'cellist; the Schubert
quartet and others.
The menu Is written in plain, honest English.
There isn't French word in the list, and the
food is simple, although unusual for this season
OF the year and brought great distance. There
is sole from England, spring lamb from Scot
land, broiled spring chicken from Louisiana,
and so on, and the wines are very rare
The menu cards are heavy blocks Of papier
mache, engraved with small script. The mon
Ogram Of Mr.. Carnegie is in one corner and
the name of the guest blown In glass at the
bottom.
The flowers are particularly fine. There has
never been such a display in Washington. The
table is q circle, in the center of which four
leaved clover is laid out in maiden hair In
the angles between the leaves are beds of roses.
orchids, tulips and crocuses, while in the center
is a massive silver lamp festooned with sea
weed.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25
THE EASTERN BRANCH BRIDGE.
The New Structure to be Open For
Travel This Week.

The Eastern Branch bridge will be inform
ally opened 10 traffic some day this week,
probably Thursday. The structure of the
bridge is practically completed, although there
are large number Of small details yet to
be finished up, and IL will most
likely be . couple Of months yet before Col
Hams turns over the bridge to the District
Commissioners. The contractors made an
error in measuring for the hand rails along the
side of the bridge that caused one section to be
misfit and it has to be remade. This
is now being done at the shops and will take
about q fortnight In consequence all who use
the bridge now will assume a slight risk, owing
to the absence Of this section of railing, but
for all practical purposes the bridge is per-
fectly safe.
When the contractor finishes his work there
will still be multitude of matters for Col.
Hams to do, which were not included in the
contracts, such as painting the under side of
the flooring with waterproof paint, painting
up some Of the piers, trimming the south en-
bankment and building a keepers house
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25

Tramp-with tears in his eyes: 81 do not
ask you for money sir, but what would you
think, if l should tell you have had nothing
to eat for forty eight hours and my poor wife
and children are now starving in the street,"
Practical Citizen: '.Td think you were liar.
Good morning."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-02-25

Every gentleman can be prize fighter, but
every prize fighter can't be gentleman.