The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1890-12-21
SENATOR HOAR, PAUSE !
COL. JAsPAR, OF ARK ANsAw, UTTERs
WORDS OF WARNING.
He Pours Forth His Indignation at the
Attempt to Pass the Force Bill, and
Gives Some Startling illustrations from
Jasparvil1e.

Col. Jaspar, OF JasparVllle, Jaspar County,
Arkansaw, while seated with friend at Cham
berlin's Club House, before a bottle of his
favorite sour mash, thus discoursed upon the
Force bill: "They proceedings of the great
American Congress, ventuah to say, sab, are
as full of interest a razorback hog KILN in
Jaspar County, in they State of Arkansaw.
Now, it has come undah my observation, sab,
that Mr.. Hoah, a blasted descendant of the Pill
grim Fathahs of Plymouth Rock, sab, has
abandoned for they time being they customary
scramble for they Federal poall faah, they erec-
tion of public buildings, and they improvement
of they rivers and they harboahs, sab, to place
upon they Revised Stattoots n piece of OBJ
noxious legislation known to these pres
ents as the Foahs bill. Now, | do
not happen to enjoy the honah of
they acquaintance Of Mr.. Hoah, sab, but as
a publc-spirted Southern gentleman, sab,
whose father and whose grandfather before
him, sab, explained with their boots on, and
who expects to maintain they reputation of
they family in that respect himself, sab, desiah
to discuss his cussed proposition in as cool and
unbiased mannab, sab, as they Honorable
John Henry Rogers, they membah from Fort
Smith, conducted himself in his parliamentary
passages with they condemned tyrant of they
House at they last session of Congress. |
desiah to say, sab, that | regard this Foahs bill
of Senatah Hoah as one of they most pernicious
and iniquitious pieces of legislation the world
has seen since they condemned town council of
odspuuVllle, Jaspan county, ArKaDSaW, san,
passed under they suspension of they rules an
ordinance making it a misdemenah for tax
payah to pasture his own cowah in they town
squaa. Now, what was they swift and empha-
tic answer OF they incorruptible freemen of
Jaspahvlle to they blasted selectmen who had
impinged they spirit of they great American
bird Of Freedom on they pale fence of
intoerence' What sab, | ask, was they
wHspfF os of hev at tney % e
vile, who had received the palladium of their
liberties from they cussed sword of Bunkah
Hill Paralyze my occipital artery! They
cowah ordinance was made an issue at they i'm
pending election, sab. Notice was served on
every niggah that if he took they cussed money
to vote for they recriant public servants who
were being arraigned at they open bar of public
opinion, sab, they would find themselves
knockin' at they golden portals of they
Heavenly Kingdom in their stocking feet, sab,
and with they freah and unfettahed winds of
they empyrean soughing through they perfora-
tions in in their cadavahs at a registered velocity
of 2,213 kilometers every twenty-foah hoahs
may be permitted to state in this connection,
sab, that they loah of they town council of
Jaspahville aftah they blasted votes had been
canvassed in an impartial mannah, sab, bore
| singular resemblance to they surface of a Wis
consin wheat-ield twelve hoahs after an army
| corps of able-bodied buck grasshoppers had
had dinnah party in it,"
Col Jasper at this point paused to take
drink. Resuming, he said: ''Now, my deah
sab, what is they intent and they meaning of
| this blasted proposition of the Senatah who
represents constituency that eats piah for
breakfast, by God, sab, and fills up they in
terstices Of their ntestines with they beaus of
commerce. Dam they sluce-way of my
alimentary canal, sab Does they Senatah
propose to establish they principle in American
Jurisprudence, sab, that when a horse don't
want to drink and won't drink, sab, that they
cussed specimen of they animal kingdom must
be made to drink? Stop they pulsation of my
heart, sab Now, sab, let us submit this Foahs
bill to crucial and analytical examination
Let us peel they skin off It, sab, without
| depressing to discuss it from unconstitutional
or a pessimestic point of view. sab! 1t has
| been my privilege foah period of time extend
ing oyah some years to have enjoyed a credit
| for my lickah at they bar of Maah Peelin's
| tavern, which is they leading caravansary of
Jaspahville, and they only tavern, l might
| add parenthetically, sab, which gives they
| grand jury square meal for they money and
| which allows they cussed drummahs from they
| town of St. Louis they usual commercial rates.
Now, suppose that this iniquitous Foahs bill
should be added to the cumbersome stattoots
| of they glorious American republic, and that
! they maiah at the instance of his blasted law
| yer, should take advantage, sab, of its pro-
visions and foahs me to settlement, willy-nilly:
what would be they inevitable consequences,
sab? Why, sab, it don't requiah school
mastah to answer, sab. l should be compelled,
a Southern gentleman, sab, who has served his
country faithfully both as a jury commissioner
and a poll-tax collectah to post a notice on
tney QOal OF my WagOn-nO mouse That was unable
| to meet my just obligations, and that | no
longah had credit for souah mash at they bar
| of they leading tavern of Jaspahville But
! Senatah Hoah even goes fathah with his cussed
proposition. Suppose, sab, that |, Col Jaspah,
| man of influence, lineal descendant of they
| f. +. VS., sab, who would shoot a mem
! bah of they human family down in
| his cussed tracks, who should dare to cast an
| imputaton upon my honah sab, should be they
! innocent victim of the patonic love of a de-
| signing widow of Jaspahville or elsewhere
! suppose, sab, that said widow had matrimonial
designs upon me, and had determined in her
blasted mind to double up with me-where
would my protection, my self-preseryation come
! in, sab Taking advantage sab, of Senatah
| Hoah's Foahs bill, they repugnant and mis-
! guided female could foahs me into matrimo-
nial alliance against my own judgment and In
clination, sab. ParalyZe my intestines, sab
Into what an unfathomabe sea of contention
misery, and strife, sab, will society eventually
| drift undah they operations of this condemned
| mesuah. Let us suppose, sab, that they blasted
abolitionists of Jaspah County, sab, were in need
| of candidate whose name ON their
| cussed ticked would be a towah of
strength, sah and that their condemned
caucus should pick me out foah their
standard-bearer undah they hydraulic principles
OF they Hoah bill, sab, | could be foahsed and
| coersed into a nomination that / could only
accept, sab, by holding my cussed nose and fill
| ing myself up with souah mash until the cussed
stuff would run out of my eahs, by gad sab.
/ have obtained they loan of frank from they
| Hon. Clifton r. Breckenridge, of Pine Bluff,
| sab, and telegraphed to they town council of
| Jaspahyile and to they Hon. Felix Jenkins, of
they Court of Oyah and Terminah, and general
Jail delivery of they county of Jaspah, that
they inoffendng and patriotic citizens of Ar