Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-08-21
HOW HE DRESSES THE BABY,
The Conceited Father Thinks He Know
1t All, but Doesn't.

All family men fancy, says Kate
Thorne in the n Y. Weekly that they
can dress the baby much more deftly
and expeditiously than the mother car
perform the same operation. That is,
if they only set themselves about it.
''Of course there is no doubt ofthat. >
says the man to himself. "A man car
do anything better than a woman. and
not make half the fuss and talk about
1t. Women wear themselves all out
talking things over. Why, woman
will talk more about making a flatiron,
holder than a man would about build.
ing a Westinghouse. When a man is
going to do anything he goes to work
and does it. He doesn't have to run al
over the neighborhood to ask everyone
he knows about it and then do as he
has mind to, as woman will do
And so having heard him boast of his
capabilities for years some fine morn
ing, when his wife's head aches and the
feminine deity of the kitchen has given
notice, the mother of the family invites
him to dress the baby.
The baby is big enough to walk
around and have finger in every pie,
but it will be 1.-THE baby" till later
edition appears.
The man who knows it all is smiles
triumphantly to himself. He is de.
lighted with the opportunity of show,
ing his wife how much quicker he can
do it than she can. And he'll see il
that baby is going to run all oven
creation after cats and things. and cry
half the time he is doing it. Discipline
is what is needed with children.
He calls the baby to him:
Stand there, Freddie, while papa
finds your clothes, like good boy"
Freddy places himself in position,
while his pa goes in quest of the raj.
ment belonging to the juvenile. Freddy
spies a bird on the top of a tree in the
yard, and he climbs on the piano to get
high up at the window, and he knocks
down couple of bundles of sheet
music, his sister Fanny's new hat that
she left there last night when she came
home from the party. so tired that she
could hardly get upstairs to bed; and
then poor Freddy slips, and grabs
the window-shade to save him.
self, and brings it down, fixtures and
all, and draws a double-tracked rail
road on the polished rosewood of the
piano with his wildly clutching finger
nails, and lands safely on the floor,
bowling with rage at not having been
able to get the bird.
By that time his pa has found most
of his clothes, and is ready to begin.
But Freddy isn't ready. He wants to
see the pictures in the album. Then
he insists on hearing the watch tick.
Then he wants to catch the dog by the
tail and give it good pull, to see if it
is on fast. Then he wants to kiss
mamma.
Stand stilln' says his pa, putting on
the severe look that he uses on his in.
subordinate clerks in the dingy down
town office, ':and see if you can keep
your tongue still while | dress YOU!
Don't wiggle so, Freddy! Stand still!
Put down your foot! Let that cat
alone! Here, you little mischief, stop
chewing that lead-pencil! Hold up
your head, can't you? Put this hand
through--no, that one! Good gracious,
it is strange that women will make
pants for babies wrong end to! And
more buttons on EN- than would be
needed to button up a regiment of men!
Now then, for the waist! Humph! that
is made the same way, all the buttons
in the wrong place. No arm holes, no
nothing! Freddy, hold still! tell you
it doesn't hurt you! Yes, It's on right.
1t can't be on the other way. By Jove,
I've forgot the drawers, and stockings!
Here, put up that foot. Good gracious.
Freddy, can't you stop wiggling your
toes? Hold your leg stiff. There. now.
Now Well put on the little mans
collar. What an outlandish contriv-
ance to fasten a collar. 1t doesn't
stay put anywhere, Let's see, the bow
goes under it? No, it must 60 over it.
Keep your head still. What are you
bobbing so for? Lift up your arms,
Freddy! Why, what the deuce is the
matter with this chiId's arms? He
can't move 'em. Don't cry, Freddy.
Let me look. Do stop that bawling.
This all comes Of you mothers humor-
ing you so. say, Fred stop this noise
Stop it | say! | shall be crazy-I-''
And about at this juncture his wife
appears on the scene, and she finds
that Freddy's pants are hind part be-
fore, and one of his arms has been put
through the neck space, and the other
one through one armhole of his waist,
and his collar which was made to turp
down stands up, and his stockings are
on wrong side out; and his pa will
never own that there is anything cut o.
order about the proceeding, but the
next time he dresses the baby he
doesn't dress it-he ALWAYS has some
thing to see to that prevents him.