The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1890-03-29
MIN HB0uF TOWN.

Scene-A Joliet sanctum.
Dramatis Pers0n9-The editor and a
visiting editor.
Visiting Editor-Have you seen the
Aurora BOrealis?
The Editor-"No, we don't eX-
change. Aurora is a one. horse town,
anyhow.
Have you ever eaten tough hasn'
Hash, | mean, that you Valnly az
tempt to masticate? l throw ASIDE tne
question of the composition OF hash,
for it has been rightly named
mystery" l merely speak OF hard,
gritty hash that makes your mar
stand on end and loosens your PACK
collar button. You will say it tastes
like saw-dust, and yet, remember that
saw-dust is very fine board.
~
A young downtown grOcerymanw was
short on onions the other day, and as
luck would have it, one OF his best
customers ordered bushel. The de-
livery wagon had gone out and the
onions must be procured and delivered
at once, so he picked up a two bushel
basket and went over to a neighbor-
ing grocery to fill the order. 1t was a
warm day. The onions perspired. so
did the grocer. The onions odOrated.
They were heavy-too heavy for onions
and he was sOrely tried, when he
dumped them into his customers bar
rel. to notice that the scrapiron which
the other grocer had thoughtleSsly
placed in the bottom of the basket.
Just to balance it-came out on top.
But, hush!
In Mr.. Moses Stiefel's early days, he
was a travelling salesman. lie was
once assigned a territory of wide eX-
tent in Ohio, where to reach custo-
mers it was necessary to travel across
country in a buggy. 1t often hap
pened, the country being somewhat
wild, that he was compelled to put up
at settlers cabin, and in many in
stances in very small cabin at that.
One night he came to little cabin
a short distance from the road. 1T
was in the famous Black swamp. A
lantern-jawed woman answered his
knock and to the question of staying
all night gave a kindly assent, stating,
however, that he would have to sleep
on couch, as there were but two
rooms in the house.
But Mr.. Suiefel was weary and every
thing event" He lay down upon the
couch, pulled blanket up to his chin
and was preparing to sleep when ne
heard heavy steps outside. The heavy
steps developed into siX-footer and
this individual Immediately drew a
huge bowie-knife. Mr.. Stiefel grew
pale and was about to say his prayers
when. instead of approaching him. the
six-footer reached into cupboard and
produced loaf of bread. TO say that
Mr.. Stiefel breathed easier is drawing
it very mild.
~
Upon another occasion he stopped at
q farm house and was given room on
the second floor. At about o'clock
in the morning he was awakened by a
noise at the window. Carefully feel
ing his way, he squinted over the sill
and saw a man climbing up to the
room on ladder. He was badly
scared, but when the burglars head
was on a level with the sill he buried
his fingers in liberal covering of hair
and ordered halt.
"Halt be bowed" exclaimed the
burglar. "I'm Jimmie, and l jist KEN
in this ere way so the folks wont
know bin QUIT"
~
Mr.. Stlefel was quite young in those
days, and as it was the fashion to be-
lieve in ghosts he was in line with the
remainder Of mankind. He put up at
a gloomy looking farm house one
windy night, and was assigned room
just beneath the attic. He went to
bed. The wind howled outside and
in the attic above a continual patter
of feet was kept up. He was sure that
the feet belonged to ghosts, because
the footballs were so soft. Ghosts
ow-wow! He tried to sleep but gave
it up and lay awake all night with the
cover over his head. Next morning
when he appeared at breakfast he
looked i'll.
Were you disturbedlol blast night?"
asked the hostess.
EYES," he reluctantly admitted 81
couldn't Sleep"
cts those cats. Six 'em in the at
tic"
Ever hear of James Owen O'Conor?
James Owen is freak who imagined
himself a second Junius Brutus Booth
and rented a New York theatre for a
six weeks run, during which he
dropped $150,OOO which had been left
him by his father When James was
butchering such plays as "Richard
ILL.," and "OthellO," one of the men,
bers of the company, whose knowledge
of Shakespeare was limited to the
titles of several of the great masters
plays, was reprOached for belonging to
company with such horrible freak
as OConOr.
"Sirrh!" he exclaimed in tragic
tones, "Slrrh, / want you to under
stand that Mr.. O'Conor played three
seasons with Mr.. Shakespeare him
self"
''All Fools Day" will soon be in our
midst 1t will come in with smile
and leave with grin. 1t is day
when one fool seeks to fool another
fool. In Scotland the fellow fooled is
dubbed a g0,ck. Most people. who
don't live in Scotland, would spell the
word with an q. A QaWk is a paWk