Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1890-05-16
WORK OF THE WITS

SOMETHING to be studded shirt
front.
a PIN is. like man. Tt is useless
when it loses its head
No ONE wants to put out q woman
who blazes with diamonds.
A WOaIAN's beauty may be "aII in
her eye" but it is there Just the same.
WARFARE has It's romance; even the
din Of battle has a sort Of an engage
ment ring.
IT IS always safe to learn, even from
our enemies seldom safe to instruct,
even our friends.
"DOEs it pay to strike?" asks an ex-
change. Generally it does not, espeei-
ally if the other fellow Is the bigger
man of the two.
Mrs. Slave we everything out Of
the house now? Mr.. .-Evervthing
but the children. You know the land
lord won't allow them in the new house.
SHOE factory foreman Gn thunder
tones Whats the matter there? Did
you slit that leather wrong ?-Oper-
alive (humbly(-N-o, I only cut off my
fingers.
BEFORE the Venus of Milo: Smith
ers (reading sign)-"H Hands off. The
poor idiots Do they think any one
could look at that statue and not know
the hands were off
"TM bright. I'm sharp" exclaimed
the cOunterfeiter when he stood up for
sentence. eyes, you're guilt-edged,"
observed the judge, prior to giving him
twenty years for reflection.
O'FLYNN (reading a death notice.
Poor Jim! 1t says he left q wife and
two children. Mrs. O'Flynn-Och, ye
might know that. He was too mean to
liver take thin anywhere wild him.
ELDERLY Widower - Mrs Little, I
have Just one question to ask you. VIII
you marry me? Elderly WidOw-AIr.
Biggs, I have just one question to ask
before I can. answer. Do you snore?
"FNE night, said Smith to Jones as
they came out of the club. Yes, ;"
answered Jones as the clock began
striking the hour of u, ct is a fine
night, but I expect it Will storm when
I get home"
MATTIE-Dot, what is a zebra Dot
CWhO has been looking into natural his
tory for the last hour)-A zebwa?
Why, Matte, it's nothing but funny
little horse that wears stwiped stock
ings all Over-ciear up to his ears.
PAPA-It no use talking, Emma;
these Sunday evening meetings have
got to be shortened. Ny latest gas bill
was enormous. Emma-It's not my
fault 1t wouldn't be half as big if
mamma didn't come into the parlor so
often
"TELL me, Charley, said young Mrs.
/ Tucker to her husband, els that man a
cannibal?" Certainly not. What
makes you ask such a question ?" BE
| cause I heard him say Just now that he
/ was going around the corner and sWal-
/ low two fingers
"No," SAID Gus De Jay, "I don't care
! much fob these temperance people, you
! know, but I should nevah think of put
ting an enemy into my mouth to steal
away my brains" "And if you did. 3"
said a friend of his, cit would be good
joke On the enemy"
LADY Gin tax Office with diminutive
/ pug)-I understand that dogs have to
beregistered? Tax clerk-Yes, madam
one dollar. Mrs O'FIannigan with
in av We. He only charged me wan dol
lar fur this big, foine animal.
PHILOSOPHER TAT the theater)-It is
most remarkable to me how that hero
and heroine can asst so wildly, like
truly imprisoned lovers. Theatel
habitue-Off the stage those two are
man and wife. PhilOsopher-Yes, it's
remarkable-very remarkable.
THE TELEGRA3Is RETORT.
On IA table two messages lay side by side
Each bound on different way.
s'Im going abroad, the Cablegran cried,
Perhaps III meet princes to-day.
I'm sorry for you and your commonplace task
But, then, you're not clever nor br' ght
No wonder in royalty smile may Dask
always come forth with the light"
although" said the Telegram, part Of that's
true
OF Boosting, my friend. have n care;
No matter how royalty smiles upon you,
You're only fash affair"