Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-08-02
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.

rocks.
When man marries he fully intends to
be No. one in the family, but often the
period drops out.-Ierra Houts Express.
The season has come again to show
That love in the youthful heart will dwell;
She goes TO the mountains to find beau,
And ne 10 the beach for diving belle.
Salesman-"This is a very fine grade of
cotton, and very cheap Old Mrs. Fuss
about-"H'm. Are you quite sure it's all
wool?n
did my argument strike you forcibly ?"
"Yes if you had continued ten minutes
longer 1 would have had brain fever
Munsey's Weekly.
Mrs. Goslow-"And how did you enjoy
Paris, Mrs. Quickly?" Mrs Ooh, be-
yond imagination. Pa and me have got
to be regular Parasites"
splendid thing, this new license law.
I've stopped drinking, and my friends tell
me in consequence of it they're saving
money. Philadelphia Times.
"The new Assessor is very honest man.
"You don't say so! What has he been
doing~ "Why, he told me he often
taxed his own memory West Shore.
Lady-"How nice tits to have brother,
as you have, Flossie, / suppose he always
takes your part, doesn't hep" Flossie-
"Yes'm when the pie is passed. "-Burling-
ton Free Press
Small Boy-"Mrs. Jones, can your little
boy come out and play with us-the fat
one, l mean? We've got new buttin'
goat, and we'd like to try him on some
thing soft. '-Mansey's Weekly.
Razzle-"I understand that Robinson is
fluent French and German scholar ~
Dazzle-"He is. But the great trouble is
that you can't tell where his German
leaves off and his French begins"
Lawyer-"Do you swear positively that
you know more than half this jury?" Wit
Eyes, sir; and now that have taken
a good look at 'em, FL swear that know
more than all of 'em put together"
Single employer-"Whatl want more
pay? John Jacob Astor began work on a
salary of 80 week and he died worth
$40 100000" Store boy-"Yes, sir
There's big difference in bosses"-Ne,c
York Weekly.
Guest-"What sort of lamp is that ?"
Host-"A study lamp" Guest-"Ahl
called that because it is for the study, l
presume" Host-"No. Called that be-
cause it takes great deal of study to run
it"-New York Weekly
Doctor-"Well, my fine little fellow,
you have got quite well again! | was sure
that the pills l left for you would cure
you. How did you take them, in water or
in cake?" ooh, used them in my blow
gun. y enowine Neus.
Isaacstein-"R ebecca, der doctor vas say
dere vos no hopes I will hat to go der
long churney." Mrs Isaacstein-"Oh
Chacub, mine heart vos proken but ber-
haps you could get cut rates dis mondth,
cause der is passenger war"
Mr.. Wheeler-'1 suppose the great and
mysterious Robert Browning has many
admirers in Boston, Miss Emerson ?" Miss
Emerson-"Why, yes, Mr.. Wheeler; even
the beans go through course of Browning
before they come to the table"
eyes, sir" yelled the sociaIistic agitator.
a am the workingman's friend" ooh, go
long," said real workingman, "you
haven't done an honest days work in two
years" "Of course | haven't. That's
just where l show my friendship for the
workingman. | keep my hands off so he
can have the job"
The next Legislature of Michigan will
be petitioned from numerous localities to
repeal the law by which hotel men are
alone protected One can beat newspa-
per, grocer, a dry goods man, or anybody
else and it is all right, but if he attempts
to defraud landlord of even ten cents
the law jumps all over him.-Detroit Free
Press.
Father Smith-'Now then, here we are
in Europe, and we want to see just as
much as possible during the two months |
can spare from business. Therefore you,
Mrs. ST. will go to all the churches and
cathedrals; you, Emily dear, will take in
the museums and picture galleries, and 1
VIII investigate the restaurants and cafes"
The Jester
An Irish witness, having been "sworn to
the truth" of statement he had made re-
lating to an attempt to murder, afterward
confessed that the major part of it was
false. did you not swear to the truth of
it Y he was asked. Eyes, begorra p an
swered the witness, "but didn't swear to
the loyin' part, Pll take me oath on that,
sorr !-The Law.
Mr.. Cohen-"Repecca, ma tear, der doc
tor has gifen me oop" Mrs. C.-"Ach
Himmel das list ia schrekich." Mr.. c.
at seems hart to leaf you" Mrs. c.
81 vas crazy alretty." Mr.. Cit seems
hart ven der busy season vas coming on in
week. Put dot chob lot of combs in der
coffin and FL spring 'em on der angels
Merchant Irdreler.
Mr.. Goodheart- Regarding those kit
tens, my dear, the President of our society
says the most humane way to drown kit
tens is to put them in an ordinary earthen
fower-pot and then suddenly turn the
fower-pot upside down in pail of luke
warm water" Mrs. Goodheart-"Why,
yes, that's good idea, isn't it? because,
you know, there is hole in the bottom of
the fower-pot for the poor little things TO
breathe through" -Neo York Weekly.