Daily tobacco leaf-chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1890-1895, 1890-08-22
THE FESTIVE BURGLAR.
How Lay Awake for Two Months to
Head Him on


How ! Lay Awake for Two Months to
Head Him on
What would you do if You heard bur
glar in the house?
To me thai question has occurred n mill
ion times, more or less. The first time it
flashed athwart my brain bought a bull.
dog revolver and Spanish dirk. On sec
ond thought added baseball bat to the
equipment, and then for six nights lay
awake planning how would softly draw
on some indispensable garments, seize the
revolver in one hand, the club in the other
and capture or otherwise dispose of the
burglar. The dirk | would carry in my
teeth--I saw no other way.
Strange to say, this armament and my
well laid plans did not bring the peace Of
mind had expected. The more prowled
around the more agitated became. Twice
shot at the cat and once gave the hall
hat rack wicked stab, taking it fora bur
glar
Then my wife suggested in the interests
Of my health that put up IA burglar alarm
and not get up until had to. The blamed
thing went OF every time anybody came in
or went out, day or night, and | got so
tired of the eternal clattcr that | cut the
wires and substituted some unpatented de-
vices of my own.
hung aatiron on the key of the front
door 50 that it would fall into n dishpan
placed underneath; two pokers stood
against the back door, arranged 50 as to
fall Mt the slightest touch, and at various
ont of the way places | placed baskets
filled with cheap crOckery, tinware and
other articles, so that the burglar would
step into or against them-at least l fer
yently hoped he woodland give me warn
ing of his advent
But these schemes didn't work much
better than the burglar alarm. Everybody
! knew got IN the habit of calling on mt
after had retired, and of course | would
forget the flatiron and send il Gathering
into the dislIpan, neccssitating awkward
explanations, and once it clattered down
on my toes. The cat made regular plac-
tice of knocking down the burglar warn
ing pollers, and if ~ rife stepped into the
alarm baskets once she did twenty times.
The result was that fell back on my re
volvcr, club and dirk. | also bought me
watchman's rattle. Two nights later
heard noise, and looking out Of the win.
low saw man trying my front door.
ircd at him, and the answering howl in
formed me that had missed my neighbor
Brindle who had been sitting up With sick
manor, at least, he said he had. Three
nights later sprang the rattle on my wifcs
aunt, who came from Poughkeepsie on II
late train, and she was so angry that she
wouldn't stay more than three weeks and
my wife thinks we are cut out of her will,
Things went on in this fashion for month
late II petition asking me to move out Of the
ward
So | told my wife that when | heard a
burglar in the house the plan Of campaign
would be as follows: would first raise the
window sash, making rs much noise as
possible in doing SO, and spring the rattle
with II firm and determined hand would
chen give the burglar two minutes to leave
the housc If he still remained among the
siIyerware | would advance into the upper
nall, beat the stair railing lorcely with II
baseball bat and fire three or four shots
downstairs. | was firmly convinced that
40 burglar could withstand such deter
mined attack, and after it had been clearly
outlined beyond the possibility Of a mis-
take | slept peacefully for the first time in
three months
The very next morning, when | went
downstairs to light the fire, | encountered
Il bare sideboarl, and further search re
ycaled the fact that my domcile had been
ransackcd from cellar to garrett 1t was "A
clean scoop.
Well, there was one consolation. Now
know what | would do if burglar broke
into my house.
I'd slcep.-New York World