The gold leaf. [volume] (Henderson, N.C.) 1881-1911, 1890-04-10
LETTER OF ADVICE TO BILL NYE.
A HENDERSON YOUNG MAN INTHE
ROLE OF COUNSEL -GIVER.
He Indites an EpistIe to the Cele-
brated HumOrist and Gives Him a
Dose of His Own Medicine.
[Contributed.]

| that you nave lOCatcQ permanently III
Washington. No doubt the tax pay
ers of your former residence will also
| be Historically hilarious over your re-
moval to that city. Nothing retards
the growth of small community as
much as live humorist. Washington
is large and can stand great deal.
l know this from personal observation.
You are now denizen of the great
literary centre of your country, and
deservedly SO, for there are lots Of
places in that neighborhood where
good square meal can be obtained for
a quarter.
Washington presents fine large
field for the study of human nature.
Good butter-milk in summer costs
only twelve cents gallon. And think
of the historic memories that cluster
around the lovely Potomac. In warm
weather you can run over to Mount
Vernon and back and drink two bot
ties of the finest export beer while
there, all for fifty cents.
Having had some experience in
Washington, l feel it my duty to give
you some good advice. No doubt you
would prefer cigar or some beer, but
I know what is best for your system.
Cigars and beer cost money. Advice
doesn't
As soon as your address is discov-
cred you will be the recipient Of fiat
tering attentions from prominent
Washington merchants. They will
send you circulars containing the
prices of their goods and invite you to
call during business hours. Some OF
them belong to the old Dutch families
who first settled New York.
If the heirs at law of w. w. Corco-
ran, deceased, invite you to dine with
them, for heavens sake don't eat pie
with your knife for it will remind them
of the old man and his primitive ways.
By the way, l read in recently
published work on etiquette that soup
is eaten with spoon. If while out in
the sage brush you have acquired the
habit of eating soup with fork or a
carving knife, try and wean yourself
of the habit or you will never remem-
Der seeing your name III the Washing
ton Elite Directory.
If, while in Washington, you pro-
pose to use food to sustain animal ex-
istence, shun the deadly boarding
houses There are two kinds of Wash
ington boarding houses. In the one
you get nothing to eat. This is the
safest kind to patronize, provided there
is restaurant in the vicinity. Board
ing house coffee is decidedly good for
the liver, as the doctors say real coffee
Injuries the liver. No liver is ever in
jured in Washington boarding house.
At first you will not like some things
in Washington. The ticket venders
at the stations, seeing that you are a
stranger, will shove lead nickels off on
you in change. You will not discover
the fraud until subsequently, and then
you will realize that while misery has
many bitter moments, the first awak,
ening from great sorrow is the one
of its most utter agony. 1t you 60
back and ask the ticket vender to give
you a good nickel he will Immediately
toboggan you into the street. Hold
on to the plugged nickel and shoot it
into the fare box of a bobtail car, or
contribute same to the missionary fund.
am not quite sure that you will
appreciate the climate of Washington.
In winter the principal use you will
have for your lower extremities will be
to hand-paint their fantastic curves
with iodine for rheumatism. Console
yourself with the thought that real
misfortunes deliver us, while they last,
from the petty despotisms of all that
are imaginary. A rag dipped in a
solution of saltpetre, and wrapped
around the rheumaticky limb also fur
nishes relief.
In summer you don't have rheuma.
tism, as malaria has to have Its turn
You can't have both at once which is
a great climatic advantage. You will
suffer keenly, but remember that he
who suffers keenly has the greatest ca
pacity for enjoyment. Rochelle salts
in large daily doses will also mitigate
your sufferings. However, don't be
discouraged. 1t is not too late fol
you to get the spring pneumonia
Nobody who gets that in Washington
is ever troubled afterwards with rheu,
matism or malaria.
By all means stay away from theatre
comiques and never be caught under
the gallery of any house of amusement.
In common resorts guilds of tobacco
frequently descend upon bald headed
bipeds on the lower floor. Keep away
from champagne suppers and under no
circumstances patronize public or pri-
vate receptions too extensively. Cul-
tivate the acquaintance of the Presi-
dent and at all times keep the very
best of company. When you call at
the White House be sure to present
yourself as representative of the as
sociated press in order to secure the
honor Of cordial rejection and the
full benefit of the most relentless bull
dog OF modern times provided espe-
cially for such occasions. Do not
loiter too late at night on the avenue
lest you be taken for tramp and get
a gratuitous transport to the central
police station. Would you be a sue