The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1890-01-29
WIT AND HUMOR.


Shore.
.'Shall We Gather at the River?"-
Bimghdmtom Republican.
Proud Father-"Do you think he |
looks like me?n Sympathetic Visitor
Yes, poor little thing. Life.
Speed the parting guest slowly if he
is pleasant one; but be sure to crush |
the growler. ."-Nea0 Orleans Picayat,ae.
He-''Why is it that strong-minded
women seldom marry?n She-'tThe
reason is obvious. Philadelphia Ias-
quirer.
1t may be that love makes the world
go round, but an overdose of whisky
will do it more successfully.-Bostoa
Courier.
Angry Father = Another tailor's
bill, I suppose. Well. what's to be
done about itP' Son That's
for you to settle. ~ Clotbier and Furn-
isher.
While they are producing an elixir
to make old people younger, it would
be great blessing if they could get up
something to make some young people
older.-Epoch.
II see that Joughnes is dead"
..Yes. Poor Joughnes! He wasn't
half Il bad fellow. | owed him few
dollars, but forgive him. ."-Philadel-
phtG Inquirer.
Money talks" of course; but
couple of nickels in the contributions
box-from philanthropists in the front
pew-make more noise than five dollar
Naa, D,1e0a1c p;eo3Tf31p
First Robber-"G to rob Bron-
sons house tonight" Second Robber
Nav" First Robber-''Why not?'
Second Robber-'.Aint nothin' there.
Bronson paid his gas bill yesterday
Life.
"You are the manager of the British
syndicate?" s'Yes, sir" '.Well. |
represent the Associated Tramps of
New Jersey. Whatll you give us for
our cord-wood saving industryP"-M
Y. San.
A large motherly hen has been dis
covered holding down three Waterbury
watches in New York. 1t IS supposed
that she was to hatch out the Worlds
Fair for that city-on tick.-Kearney
Enterprise.
Miss Nottaken-t'I have concluded
not to accept Mr.. Cartons proposition"
Miss Tobetaken-''Why not? His
worldly prospects are good" Miss
Nottaken-.'Yes, but those are all he
has. .''-West Shore.
Old Neighbor-''My goodness, Mr..
Arden. you back, after all these years?
Don't you know your wife has married
againP" Mr.. Arden-"Yes, heard OF
- G<>,,<, ct. Il L.,
here in peace now."-M y Weekly.
The man who mixes up business with
his friendship may not hNe good re-
putation among his neighbors, but the
chances are that he will get rich faster
than the man who mixes up friendship
with his business. -SonaerUitle Journal.
Mrs. De Fashion Cn full dress)-
What! Not ready yet? 1 sent both
my dressing-maids to tell you to hur-
ryn Mr.. De Fashion-'.Read in
moment, my dear. I've got only one
more button to sew on. IN. Y. Week.
ly.
She-''Who is that meek, detected
looking man in uniform? He can't be
one of the company's officials?" He
Yes, he is Pullman porter, but ne
has just discovered that there's a base
ball reporter on the train. "-PhiLGdet-
pbsG Inquirer.
Yabsley-'I guess there is deal of
truth in the saying that man lucky
with women is unlucky at cards" :"
Wickwire-''There is sound reason in
it, too. 1t takes man of good hard
sense to be a successful card-player. y
Ie7re Haute Erpress.
Virgins -s.Phew! What kind of
cigar is that you are smoking?" Stig-
gins-s'That, sir, is clear Havana y
Wiggins-'1 thought it was what we
cali Soft Coal brand" Stiggins-
SLOWS thatP" Virgins - Smoke
nuisance. .'-AnlertcG.
Mrs. De Style-'.Have you had any
experience in attending pet dogs?
Applicant-"No,m mum. bnt 1 useter be
a child's nurse" 'sWell, you may try
it; but warn you that if you treat him
as some nurses treat children he'll bite
you. IN. Y. Weekly.
Doctor-''E if your wife, my dear
sir, does not seem quite cured of the
malady for which I recommended the
baths yon must remember that she has
gained ten pounds. You will know
how to value that" Exactly; pre-
cisely; every pound cost me $100."-
Fliegea,de BLGtter.
Inventor-'I have lust patented a
new 'nickel-in-the-slot' machine, which
/ would like you to take hold of. 1t is
an entirely new design, and will never
get out of order" Nickel-in-the-slot
Capitalist Never get out of order!
Huh! No money in machine like
that. IN Y Weekly.
Jipson-"You remember Jimson,
JobsonP" Jobson-'1 do. I remem,
Der him as being an out and out bad
one, constantly beating his wife and
children and making his home lniser-
home happy now" Job.-'Yes, he's
dead. ."-B0ston Courier.
Editors Wife q a. m.)-"John!
John! There's a burglar in the house.
hear him downstairs. o! do get up. :
John (half awake)-''A burglar? In
this house?" Wife-''Yes. Listen
Don't you hear that? John (rolline
over again n)-''He must be an amateur u
philadelphia Inquirer.
Queyedo-''Who is your lank friend:
He seems to always be broke. Told
me he hadn't placed winner in 8
week" Curtis-"Yes, he's always
playing, but never knew him to hi
anything. You see, he furnishes the
newspapers with tips on the winning
horses. PHILADELPHIA Inquirer.
Minnie-''Did you attend the sur
prise party given on Jennie Figg?'
Mamie-''O, yes, and we had splen
did time. We danced until nearly
o'clock. 1t would have been perfec
If it hadn't been for one thing-Jennit
was so sick that she couldn't come
downstairs. ."-Terre Haute Erpress.
There is one thing, dear madam
about your charming little boy which
pleases me particularly said the visit
i. or, who had patiently submitted tt
having his corns trampled and hi
whiskers pulled out by young hopeful
..And that isP" smiled mamma. "Dea
madam, that he is not twin. IN. Y
Truth.
The old lady from the country haC