Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-01-31
THE TOPICAL TALKER.
Few, Principally Impertineut, Remarks
About Banquets, and the Men Who Eat

Few, Principally Impertineut, Remarks
About Banquets, and the Men Who Eat
Them.
IT is one Of the precious privileges of those
who sit at meat and do not have to deliver
speeches later on to observe the countenances
of those whose fate it is to eat and then crate.
At a recent banquet the sight of some of those
faces reminded me of the Roman gladiators
who were won't to chant as they bowed before
Caesar: 1--WE who are about to die, salute
theer'
Doubtless the gladiator really enjoyed the
propnquity of death; in his heart of hearts the
thought of a short swords entry between his
ribs, or of the trident pinning his gaping throat
to the thirsty sand was agreeable. but we are
told that even the veteran soldiers always
looked solemn enough as they began the
.'Moritltri te SdltttdmtES." The man who has
speech in his mind, while his mouth is full of
lobster disguised in mayonnaise ana French
name, am willing to believe is happy enough,
but some stern sense of propriety or something
else bids him appear abnormally unconcerned.
A wicked cynic insisted as he gazed at the
orators-to-be that they were chewing epigrams,
slipping philosophy and snufing the flowers OF
rhetoric, while they piled the knife and fork
and inhaled the scent Of real roses.
1t is my personal experience that man never
thoroughly appreciates the justifability OF sui
eide till he is called upon for speech. OF
course this is not every mans nature.
TALKING of baneuets. every man has his
L ideal OF what constitutes banquet.
Yesterday 1 chanced to be dilating, with some
feeling of pride, 1 confess, upon the Coqueltes
de Rornmdrd a la Turque, the PouLets de grain
Sdute Mdrengo and others Of the triumphant
dishes which graced the Press Club banquet, to
a gentleman who lives on his own beautiful
farm some 20 miles from town. After 1 had
ratified off dozen examples of concrete indi-
pestibility and Indifferent French, was morti-
fed by my friends query: "Do you call that
banquet7'
affirmed that did.
well, DON'T" said the sturdy farmer, "but
sat down to a banquermyself, last night, that
was something like the genuine article. We
had for supper the backbone of pig, boiled
with two chickens-and boiled potatoes and
turnips. The tenderness of the pork near the
bone brought tears to my eyes?
At least the farmer was not suffering from
dyspepsia yesterday.
THERE was a clergyman of my acquaintance
once who was in great request as an after
dinner speaker. Almost every week he re-
sponded to the toast, 1.-THE Church" or THE
Clergyn 1 can testify that his speeches were
very good-and they never contained an allu-
sion to his cloth. That may have been the
reason he was in request.
But on one occasion this very disposition OF
his to keep clear of the toast to which he spoke
| got him into trouble. 1t was at dinner given
by the alumni of his college, and instead of his
usual clerical toast 1.-THE Ladies" were con-
signed to his charge He was an impromptu
speaker if ever there was oner and when his
| turn came he made a brilliant little speech
that amused everybody, but not an alusion
| did it contain to the ladies. His netghbor on
the right, as the peroration was evidently ap-
preaching, jokingly whispered: Remember
the toast, old man" whereupon the gifted di'
vine went on: "1he gentleman on my right re-
minds me that have wandered from my text.
have not forgotten it. But what can l tell
you of them that you do not know alreadyi
They are near you soon after you are born;
they attend your wedding, and they cheerfully
see you buriedp'
Everybody laughed, but the speaker did moi
when he reached home and looking over the
menu card saw 1.-THE Ladies" opposite his name
He had spoken to his usual toast, "The
Clergy"