Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-10-12
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.
To be truly wise,
One must know everything
A. V. HOFFMAN.


CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.
Why is sneeze like the Falls of Nj
agara? Because it is catarrh.act.
A horse has the advantage over a mar
in one thing. He's worth more after he i:
broke.
A man in the East End has hen which
he calls the highwayman, because she is
always way layin'.
A man never realizes what the phrase
"humblest walks of life" means until he
finds himself Unexpectedly without cal
! ticket.
Colonel Wantrox-"Evelyn, my daugh'
ter, l thought you said Charley Tynlack
was surrounded by wealth" Evelyn-"Sc
he is, sometimes. He's janitor in bank
Maiden fair-"Oh, it always makes my
head swim to go on the water~ Sailor
| facetious-"N danger of drowning, then
mem, if you should fall overboard."-
Harper's Bazar.
Tommy (surprised)-"Why, papa,
thought one spoonful of sugar was always
enough for my coffee.'' Tommy's Papa
This is a restaurant, my son. Take all
the sugar you Want'
Bill Cole-"Say, old boy, those type
written letters of yours are full of errors
ms for us, rs for is, and dollar-marks for
s's." Jack Wood-"Ahl But you ought
to see her i's."-Puck.
Mrs. Uneasy (weeping) )-'Potiphar,
dear, l don't know, but l believe my liver
is out of order" Mr.. Uneasy-"Oh, well,
never mind as long as you have kind
heart. l didn't marry you for your liver"
There are several men who can walk a
| tight-rope across the gorge at Niagara
Falls, but what of it Can any one OF
them tell which is the right side to milk a
COW on, pick out ripe watermelon, or
hold seat in a crowded street-ear?-De-
troit Free Press.
Customer-I tell you l don't want the
coat. It's faded and the color don't suit
me-" Isaacs-"It's vaded and der goler
don't suit you. Veil, take it for seven und
halluf." Customer-"Besides it is halt
worn out already" Isaacs-"So much the
better ma shild. If der goat don't suit yer
id Won't dake you so long to year it out
Hast du gesehen!'
Owner of horse (brushIng the flies off
the impatient animal)-"What are you
telling me, Larry? Are you really de-
scendant of the Irish kings ?" Larry
'Yis, sor" "And now you're shoeing
horses in an Englishman's blacksmith
shop 1t looks like the irony of faten
"Yis, sor. Stand still, We baste make
me livin', sor, by ironin' fate. Chicago
Tribune
I walked and dressed. and bathed and dressed
and drove and dressed some more,
And then just began again and strolled along
I'd gowns for every kind of thing that any girl
could do;
I'm counted somewhat brilliant and I'm rather
| pretty, too;
I boated and played tennis till I'm quite the
| proper tan,
And fshed, and ished, and fsned, and fished
but didn't catch man.
''Mr Pepperson," said the nurse sympa.
thizingly, ''it's boy, and the doctor says
he'll live, but he's deformed and always
will be-" "What's the deformity !" in.
quired the father of the new infant anx.
iously. ''He's only got one finger on the
right hand, and it's about three times as
long as finger ought to be-" as that
all ?" exclaimed the father, greatly re.
lieved. "There won't be the equal of that
boy in the State for cleaning lamp chin.
neys."-.S. Joseph Ballot.
Upon the garden gate they swung,
| When nights were warm and fair,
And pale Diana often flung
Her light upon the pair
Tonight among the leafess trees
| The autumn wind makes moan.
! The gate is swinging in the breeze
Its rusty hinges groan.
And where are now the youth so gay
| And maiden dressed in lawn,
Oh, whittier do their footsteps stray,
Where have the lovers gone?
| Go to the parlor warm: go there,
| And ask If you would know,
| That double-loaded rocking.chair,
That lamp turned down 50 low.
McCorkle (the newly appointed real es
tate assessor on his rounds)-"There, Mis-
thur O'Toole, Olive put in the primises al
twinty dollars phut front and the goat al
tin dollars" O'Toole-"Phwat the shnake:
hev yez to do wild the goat? He isn't rale
istate." McCorkle-'Oh, he isn't, isn't
he? Don't yez attimpt TO interfere wild
me dooties, Misthur 0Toole. Oh hev the
law an Oh know me bizpess. Me instrooc'
tions is to 'assiss at fair valuation all rale
property boundin' an abuttin' on both
sides av the strate' Owe been watchin
the baste, an it's many time hev Oi seer
I'm boundin' an buttin' on both side:
av the strate. 1t will be tin dollars, Mis-
thur OToole. ."-BostOn Globe.