Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-10-02
THE "ARIZONA KICKER.


in Far West Towns.
From a late issue of the Arizona Kicker
the Detroit Free Press quotes the follow
ing bits:
Notice: If the party who threw the
brick at us last Tuesday night as we stood
on the corner of Apache avenue and Green
street will call at our office he will hear of
something to his advantage We can
make him realize In about five minutes
that men of his talent are wasting their
time in this country. He can also make
his choice of 165 eligible sits in our
private burying ground free of cost. Come
early and avoid the rush.
No boom: For two strait years th.
Kicker has persistently opposed the idea
of a boom to attract attention to our town.
We have watched this boom business in
scores of other places, and in every in
stance it has reached disastr ously. Our
course has aroused the ire of certain specu-
lators, but we shall continue it just the
same. We've got 200 acres of cactus
pasture which we would like to dispose of
to some Ohio farmer who wants to better
his condition and who could be worked up
to part with $1,000, in cash, but we
haven't the cheek. We own mile of
side hill, which won't even grow rattle
snakes, hut we haven't the gall to boom it
for p ach orchard. A million wears
hence we may have six railroads here, but
We can t force ourselves to whoop-la hur-
rah. over the prospect. We own about
fourteen billion dollars worth of wildcat
mining stock, every mine being in the
clouds, but for our honesty we d proceed to
boom and unload. We are at the head of
a company to turn the Pacific Ocean into
descets of the West-President of an aries
ian well compan y-Secretary of the Great
Strawberry Growers Association. etc, but
we were born honest and we can't look a
tendertoot IN the eye and lie to him.
No, gentlemen. this town is what it is
and no more. 1t ISM going to be se,.-
ond Chicago. It has no Niagara Fall
There isn't even good fishing within
thirty miles of US. We simply have TIE
great Arizona Kicker, l49 saloons, sixteen
gambling houses, five stores and popul-
ton Of 5000 souls, most of which will take
''the other road" when the judgment dnv
arrives. That's all, and those who don t
want to come Can stay away.
~
Personal: Mrs. Judge Embro, who has
been absent at Tucson for the past two
weeks, returned last night, and, as usual,
found the Judge so drunk that he couldn t
tell her from Digger InCian. She didn t
go away for her general health, but to get
over a black eye inflicted by the Judge in
one of his sober moments.
Calls for sympathy: Major Mcknight,
our popular and efficient City Clerk, met
with sad accident last Sunday. While
trying to enjoy a drunk, a hammock, a
smoke and snooze at the same time, he
set himself On fire and was so badly burned
that he will not be out of his bed for two
weeks. The Major has many friends who
will sympathize with him in his misfor-
tune.
In the wrong: Handsome Charlie, ="
the genial and enterprising proprietor of
1.-The Black Swan" saloon, has called at
this office and convinced us tha6 we were
wrong In stating that he had killed seven
men and was dangerous character. His
lisC includes only four men, all laid away
in self-defense, and so far from being
dangerous he says that he has refused to
pun up hJ-SCISCuS lllIS SuultueE OUT Oh
general pity for the poor flies He also
has pictures of three different angels on
the walls of his bedroom.
We cheerfully make the correction, not
because the gentleman subscribed for five
copies of The Kicker to be sent to his
friends and gave Us a $50 lad, which will
be found elsewhere, but because we wish
to do all men justice.
Fair warning: Ben Stays, the eating
house man, has made public threats to
wiring our nose on the streets. The trouble
dates back to a year ago, when Ben tried
TO pass some cactus soup on US for mock
turtle.
Ben p1ay attempt to wiring our nasal
organ. He may even figure that ne can
succeed. We give him fair warning, how
ever. that he'll have to be prepared to
dodge six bullets, and if he doesn't happen
to be quick enough it won't make US feel
very bad.