Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-06-01
BAILEY'S THREE FUNERALS.

consists of funeral orations. Sometimes a
new circuit rider, to endear himself to the
people, will first announce himself by de-
claring that he will entertain his beloved
hearers with few remarks on the life,
character and death of old Anderson Lips
comb, who surrendered to the demands of
the great high sheriff of death just forty
three years ago yesterday.
Recently Simeon J. Boyle, circuit
rider of the old school, was appointed by
conference to take charge of the Black
Sulphur Springs circuit. He was known
as powerful agonizer, a man who could
raise the soft hair of luxurious skin into
the stiff bristles of fear. The day after
Boyle had arrived in the neighborhood of
his new charge he was called upon by
Wigs Bailey. Wigs is well-known
character of the community-a man of
untrembling nerves, of strong arms, and an
fall fail ''N' N ''e' A AA0' y
"What can do for you ?" the preacher
asked, when the visitor had introduced
himself
"Jes' called to pay my respecks an to
tell you that eff you ever need my sarveses
jes' call on me. 'preciate the position
you hold as worker for the Lord, an l
wanter ask favor of you"
"All right, brother"
II want you to preach the funeral of my
brother Ike. Best Teller you ever seen in
yure life-died about ten or fifteen years
ago. Great, big Teller, whipped old Oscar
Miles once, an Os' was a power in the
land, / tell you. Now you preach his
funeral an Pll make it all right with
you"
81 will do it, brother. What was the
cause of his death?"
LACK of Ticker"
"What, was he so addicted to the use of
liquor that when it gave out and ne could
not get any more he died?"
"Oh, no; he never was much of hand
to drink"
"Then how did he die on account of the
lack of liquor?'
"Why, he was bit by rattlesnake, an
| as he didn't have no Ticker he Jest
natchully died."
"And you want me to preach his
| funeral?'
"Yes, an you kin get in some powerful
work when you get down inter the Jacks
of his lynn thar sufferin fur Ticker. You
kin fetch the tears outen mighty nigh
every eye in the house."
81 see; but description of his death, no
matter how vivid, will not be enough
Tell me something Of his life"
"Wall, he was the powerfullest fellow in
the country. Reckon he could lift more
at handspike than any man bout here"
sBut what were his strongest points %
"Rasslin', brother, rasslin' with the
] ketch-as-ketch-c can rule"
"But had he not some moral quality %
"Oh, yes. He didn't swear 'cept when
he couldn't help hisself'
"Well, | will do the best 1 can. Will
next Sunday doW
eyes, suits me all right. Thar'll be a
big crowd out, specially as this is yure
fust appearance, an 1 want you to paint
Ike as bright as rose"
eyes," said the preacher, scratching his
head. "Pll do that. Your brother was a
-a-popular man, was hep"
Poplar as basket Of ginger cakes at a
county fair"
"All right, brother. Pll be on hand
next Sunday"
The house was crowded on the following
Sunday. Wigs took seat near the pull
| pit, and, taking out an immense handker-
| chief-it must have been the half of a
table-cloth-made himself appear as a
man of deep-seated sorrow. The new cir
cult rider preached powerful sermon-he
painted pathetic picture of man wal
lowing on the ground, wringing his hands
| and crying, in an agonized voice: flicker,
oh! bring me Ticker, or l will perish"
After services were over Wigs shook
hands with the preacher, and then, break
ing down under the weight of his emotion,
wheeled about and disappeared in the
woods.
On the following Saturday Wigs called
on the peacher again. give come" said
the visitor, when the minister had shaken
hands with MIN, "to tell you that not only
me, but everybody is delighted with the
brother Ike sermon"
Il am highly pleased to hear it."
Not at all. Say, Eve got another favor
to ask"
"What is it, brother?"
Il want you to preach the sermon of my
brother Ike again next Sunday"
"Why that wouldn't do at all"
"Why not?
Because preached it last Sunday"
Brother, let me tell you that | come
mighty nigh runnin' this here community.
put five of the main logs in that church
you preached in last Sunday, and unless
you preach brother Ike's funeral again
next Sunday, wy Pll take the logs that
b'long to me an split 'em up for fire wood.
Oh, don't you think the folks will take
your part. They know me-know it won't
do to fool with me. What do you say?"
"Oh, rather than have any trouble,
brother, / will do as you suggest"
"Will you make it as powerful as the
other one was ?"
81 will try" said the preacher.
The next Sunday the people were some
what surprised to hear another sermon on
the virtues and graces OF brother Ike, but
no objections were raised Wigs was
again deeply affected, and again with
overpowering emotion he disappeared in
the woods.
Early on the following morning the
preacher was surprised to receive another
visit from Wigs.
"What can do for you this time,
brotherw the minister asked.
"Nothin' only to preach the funeral of
my brother Ike next Sunday"
absurd" exclaimed the preacher. ~
have set up the sermon twice, and think
that / have done my duty"
"Look here, Cap'n-c call you Cap'n cause
you are bout to go inter war-my brother
Ike has been lynn thar for ten or fifteen
years with nary funeral sermon till the
other day, while lots of old fellows that
never done nuthin' fur the country had
more funerals than they knowed what to do
with, so think it's time fur Ike to have
chance. Hear me-"
Il hear, but do not hearken. The fact
that your brother has been neglected is no
fault of mine. There are hundreds of men
that never had funeral, but am to be
held responsible ?"
an regard to other folks, no; in regard
to Ike, yes"
'But / refuse to preach his funeral
again"
Gall right. I'll wallow you awhile and
then Phi go over and take them logs out
Of the church. Wanter be waller'd ?"
81 don't want any trouble with you"
"Then agree to preach about Ike or PHI
give Won the wust wallerin's white man