The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1890-02-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

He is a pretty foolish man who
thinks that the grass widow is green
Boston Post.
Time will wait for no man, unless
it's Waterbury that needs winding
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Perfection is made up of trifes, but
it is no trying matter to attain perfec-
tion.-SomerUilte Journal.
1t is the unmarried lady who can
give her sisters points ON the art of
how to manage a husband.-Bostona
Courier.
It's generally the man who doesn't
believe in either Heaven or the other
place who wants the earth.-Philddet-
1pttG Inquirer.
One is never so devoutly oblivious
to worldly affairs as when the plate
reaches ones particular pew.-Phald-
detphiG Inquirer.
The Titans made a great deal of
trouble in neurological times, and the
tight 'uns make much mischief now
Ptttsbmrg Chronicle.
A drunken man sees everything
but his money. 1t is only the man
who saves who sees his money double.
Yonkers Statesman.
Quevedo-"Don't you think Miss
York dresses well, Miss Pennp" Miss
Penn-'I think she undresses WELL y
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Miss Tender-ssHow do YOU like
your steak. rareP" Tony the Tramp
..No, mum; don't like it that way,
but that's as often as git it."-Ttnae.
Judge-''If got as intoxicated as
you do I'd shoot myself" Prisoner
IF you was 8 tossicated as l am you
couldn't hitter barn door," - Te1as
SJtssgs.
.'Will the coming man fiy?" asks a
scientific writer. He may or may not
In the mean time will the man who is
already here take a walk?-OI City
Blizzdrd.
No, Cedric. the small boy who has
been doing wrong could hardly be
called a locksmith, because at his faith
er's approach he makes a bolt for the
door.-Yale Record.
1t is proposed when another arctic
search expedition is organized to send
a reseuing party along with it. This
is much better than the old style. -
atlanta Constitution.
The way to keep husband home
evenings is to give him the baby to
hold just for a minute, then skip out
and go over to mothers and spend the
evening. Boston Courier.
Smokeless powder may be a good
thing with which to kill people, but
the invention of an odorless tive-cent
cigar would be the boss things for saw
ing human life.-Burdette.
Quevedo-.I see that old sweetheart
of yours has married Gesner, whom
you hate so cordially" Curtis -"Yes.
She did think something of me, after
an."-Philadetphia Inquirer.
Indignant Citizen-s.See here, amt
you ever going to clean up the streetsP
Walking is almost an impossibility." :"
City Father-"Well, why don't you
ride? / always do. "-Ierre Haute Er-
press.
How are you succeeding, Mr.. Horn
blower, in your work in the WestP"
The Rev. Mr.. Hornblower-'' 'Magnifi-
Gently. There's great awakening at
the close of every sermon. ."-Jeaoish
Messenger.
Mrs. Winks-''So you have taken
worse eh?" Mrs. Secondtrip-'Only
for better, my DEAR He can't possi-
bly, be worse than the other one was"
-Ierre Raute Erpress.
Tonsorial Artist (contemptuously)-
''Say! what good are you Harvard fel-
lers anyhow? Yer can't play football,
yer can't play baseball, yer can't row.
all yer can do is to get an education" :"
-Hdr0Grd LGnepoon.
upon my soul!'' exclaimed Mrs.
Flyaround, 81 never saw such an old
gadder in all my life as that Mrs.
Neverhome is! Actually, Yesterday [
called seven times at her house and
couldn't get in oncer'-Epoch.
Mudge-"Doctor, if were to lose
my mind do you suppose l would be
aware of it myself" DR.. Boless-
You would not. And very likely
none of your acquaitances would note
it, either. .'-Terre Haute EIpress.
Stranger Gn Philadelphia)- What
is all this noise and confusionp Has
the town gone daftp" Resident (pity-
ingly)-.Why, man, you're way be-
hind the times-we're celebrating
Yorktown has surrendered. life.
Bluntword-''W What's this talk about
abolishing CongressP" Caucus" Had
not heard of it." B.-''Why, this
scheme for compelling members and
Senators to pass a civil service exam
ination. Hutchinson (Kaaa.) Neo0s.
Young Wife-"Are you happy, dear,
to be sailing on the matrimonial sea
with such kind and obedient mate?"
Husband-''Yes indeed; but don't you
think we better put into a port little
while and ship cook?"-KeGrRey En-
terprise.
Father Drouthie-''M -''Mr. McSwill,
didn't see you coming out of a bar
room this morningPn Wretched Par
ishioner-"'Yes, sir; went in to get
some some change" F Father Drouthie. :,
"Change for whatp" w. Breath"
-Burdette.
It is reported that large number of
English noblemen are coming to Amer
lea to escape criminal prosecution and
Imprisonment. If this is true it may
save several American heiresses the
expense and annoyance of trip across
the ocean.-PstcE.
First Kentucky Citizen-"Our coun-
try is going to vote on the liquor
traffic. Are you in favor of putting
it DOWN." Second Kentucky Citizen
Yes, sir, am in favor of putting it
down. You don't happen to have any
about you, do ou?"-IEne.
Bad Boy (getting in body blow)-
There, take that!" Good Boy Gold
ing his arms with sanity expression)
NO, Tommy, I will not hit you
back because promised mother that I
would never strike playmate, but
Clicking him in she stomach) how do
you like thatP"-LJe.
Prospective Tenant-"But thought
you wrote me that the house had a
wide prospect on the mountains. There
are nothing but mountains of dirt
where the aqueduct is being dug"
20, but, my dear madam, you could
not possibly expect them to be made of
chocolate at the rent named. File
ge,sde Blatter.
e-"George, you will have to give
me $12 to pay the grocer's last bill
with He-"Why. LoW's that nv