The Newberry herald and news. (Newberry, S.C.) 1884-1903, 1890-04-17
COUSIN SALLIE DILLaRD. -
Richest North Carolina Sketch Ever
Written


has been my fortune (good or bad,
will not say to exercise myself in legal
disquisitions, it his never befallen me
to be obliged to prosecute 50 direfur,
marked and malicious an ASSAULT
more willful, violent, dangerous bat
tery-and finally, more dia5olical
breach of the peace, has seldom hap
pened in civilized country; and dare
say it has seldom been your duty to
pass upon one so shocking to benevo-
lent feelings, as this which took place
over at Captain Rice's, in this county.
But you will hear from the witnesses.
The witness being sworn, two or
three were examined and deposed. One
said that he heard the noise, and did
not see tie fight; another that he saw
the row, but didn't know who struck
first; and a third that he was very
drunk, and couldn't say much about
the skrimmage.
Lawyer Chops: I am sorry, gentle
men, to have occupied your time with
the stupidity Of the witness examined.
1t arises, gentlemen, altogether from
misapprehension on my part. Had
known, as now I do, that I had a wit
ness in attendance who is we'll ac-
quainted with all the circumstances of
the case, and who was able to make
himself clearly understood by the
court and jury, I should not 50 long
have tresspassed on your time and
patience. Come forward, Mr.. Harris,
and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat
shuffy old man, "leetle" corned, and
took his oath with an air.
Chops: Harris, We wish you to tell
all about the riot that happened the
other day at Captain Rice's; and as a
good deal of time has already been
wasted in circumlocution, We wish you
to be compendious, and at the same
time as explicit as possible.
! Harris: Adzactly giving the lawyer
knowing wink, ana at the same time
clearing his throat). Captain Rice, be
gin treat, and cousin Sally billiard,
she came over to our house and axed
me if my wife she moutn't 60. l told
cousin Sally billiard that my wife was
poorly, being as how she had a touch
of the rheumatics in the hip, and the
| big swamp was in the road, and the big
swamp was up, for there had been
heap ofrain lately; but howsomever, as
it was she, cousin Sally DiIlard, my
wife she mout 60. Well, cousin Sally
billiard then axed me if Nose he
moutn'tgo I told cousin Sail billiard
that Nose he was the foreman of the
crap, and the crap was snartly in the
grass; but howsomever, as it was she,
cousin Sally billiard, Nose he mout
60
Chops: In the name of common
sense, Mr.. Harris, what do you mean
by this rigmarole?
Witness: Captain Rice, he gin
treat, and cousin Sally billiard she
came over to our house and axed me
ifmy wife she mountn't go? told
cousin Sally Dillard-
Chops: Stop, sir, if you please; we
don't want to hear anything about.
your cousin Sally Dillard and your.
wife. Tell US about the fight at Rice's.
"Witncss: Well, I will sir, if you
will let me.
Chops: Well, sir, go Oh.
Witness: Well, sir, Captain Rice he
gin treat and cousin Sally billiard
she came over to our house and axed
me if my wife she moutn't 60
"Chops: There tits again. Witness,
please to stop.
| Witness: Well, sir, what do you
want?
Chops: We want you to tell about
the fight, and you must not proceed in
this impertinent story. Do you know
anything about the matter before the
court?
Witness: To he sure dc.
Chops: Well, go on and tell It, and
nothing else.
Witness; Well, Captain Eice he
gin treat
Chops: This is intolerable. May it
please the Court, move that this wit
ness be committed for a contempt; he
seems to he trifiing with this court.
Court: Witness, you are now before
court Of justice, and unless you be-
have yourself in more becomming
manner, you will be sent to Jail; so be-
gin and tell us what you know about
the fight at Captain Rice's.
Witness [alarmedl: Well, gentle
men, Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally Dillard-
Chops: I.hope the witness may be
ordered into custody.
: Court latter delioe-atingl: Mr.. At
> torney, the Court is Of the opinion that
we may save time by telling witness to
, 90 in his own way. Proceed, Mr..
Harris, with your story, but stick to
, the point.
Witness: Yes, gentlemen. Well,
r Captain Rice, he gin Il treat and cousin
Sallie billiard she came over TO our
=, house and axed me ifny wife she mout
20? I told cousin Sally billiard that
my wife she was poorly, being as how
: she had the rheuniatics in the hip, and
the big swamp was up; but howsom-
ever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard,
my wife she mout 60. Well, cousin
Sally billiard then axed me if Moce he
: moutn't go. I told cousin Sally Dill
lard as how Mose-he was the foreman
of the crap, and the crap was smartly
in the grass-but howsomever, as it
was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose he