Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-10-13

Song of the oystermen: ''Buy valve"
A vane hope that thewind will change.
When a working man becomes Knight
of Labor it is all day with him.
1t is an anomalous fact that wooden
heads do not produce the thoughts that
burn.
"He.s pillar in the church? Why, he
is perfect fraud" ''Sort of pillow
sham"
A gentleman who spoke of having been
struck by lady's beauty was advised to
kiss the rod.
A girl should understand how to ay
no. even if she is never to have a
chance to say Eyes"
The amateur photographer never takes
rest. 1t is about the only thing he does
not take, however.
1t is good policy to tell the truth, be
cause if you don't you can't expect to be
believed when you tell a lie.
Speak no evil of the absent; that is
cowardly Likewise, speak no evil of
the present; you mig hget licked.
country subscriber wants to know if
there is any money in hens. He might
ascertain by cutting bis hens open.
He-The outlet is cold again, darling.
Now what would you do if L scolded just
a little? She-Make it hot for you, dear
est
Strange as it may seem, it is the man
who has lost his voice that makes the
loudest and most disagreeable noise in
the choir.
Napoleon was always talking about the
'speace of Europe But he wasn't salts
fed with the peace of Europe; he wanted
the whole of it.
If you can't conscientiously tell man
he was born to command, you can please
him by intimating that his trousers were
made to order
Teacher-What did the ancient Egyp-
tians do with their cats?" Bright pupil
"They embalmed them, and laid their
bodies in catacombs.''
"Halt! Throw up your hands y shont-
ed the Montana brigand, as he stopped
the stage. 1--WE hain't swallered EN-
cheerfully replied passenger from Down
East.
Sweet girl-If it's just the same, Mr..
Mashuer, you needn't trouble yourself to
call any more. Mashuer (earnestly)-O
thanks; it's no trouble at ALL like to
call
'fHay-fever," said the moderator at the
influenza convention, ''may be likened to
tie vote" ''Hear, heart" cried the au-
dience. "The eyes and nose both appear
to have it,
Mrs. Rural Cat the art gallery and look
ing at Madonna)-Whose picture is
that? ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS madam Mrs.
R.-Why, sakes alive l always thought
Raphael was a man.
''Sara Cheesebrow's boys got back
He's been in the standin army fur five
years" ''In the standin' army fur five
years? WAL, 1 reckon he'll be glad enough
to set down a spell now"
Lawyer-Well, sir, we won the case,
but it was pretty narrow victory. Gil
ent-Yes, thought the other side had US
until you showed that their principal wit
ness was fisherman.
Mr.. Winks Cooking over the paper)-
Cheap, Drugg & Co. are selling all sorts
of patent medicines at half price. Mrs
Winks Just our luck. There isn't any
thing the matter with any of US.
Sunday-school Teacher-Miss Fanny.
what are we to learn from the parable of
the wise and foolish virgins? Miss Fanny.
aged ten-That we are always to be on
the lookout for the coming of the bride
groom.
Bridget-The new neighbors next door
wants to cut their grass, and they say as
would you be so kind as to lend them
your sickle? Mistress-Lend my sickle to
cut grass on the Sabbath! Tell them,
Bridget, that we haven't any.
Never waste time telling people what
lot of good things you have done. In the
first place they won't believe you, and in
the second place they are waiting for
chance TO tell you what lot of good
things they have done themselves.
Mrs. Brown-Bridget, l don't under
stand. You said you paid ten cents for a.
glass of soda water for master Edward,
and vet he tells me he did not have any.
Bridget-That's all right, mum; bought
II for him, but he was so warm thought
II might hurt him, so drank 1t myself,
mum,