Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-09-22

Music by the banned-The organ grind
er.
Some one has discovered striking SIM
ilarity between the mosquito and the sum-
mer girl-hard to catch, but easily mash
ed.
''Now let good digestion wait on appe-
tite," murmured the goat as he chewed
up the latest novel.
''Let him who merits bear the palm, -
said the boy when his mother whipped
him for playing truant.
Which is the best position in which to
sleep? asked a patient. 1 usually lie
down, replied the doctor.
It's very kind of you, old fellow, to
come down to see me off. Not at all, Bo-
lus, 1 am only too glad to do it.
Classic What did the professor say
when he heard he was the father of
twins? He just said 'gemini!'
mans surest road to success, accord
ing to his wife's idea, is the road she
points out to him day by day.
When little American girls and boys
are bad nowadays, their nurses tell them
the English syndicate is after them.
Victim of railroad accident-Doctor,
do you think can recover? Doctor-Cer-
--.-l- rr------< ----I-> rr----I9
Poor Effie (who had been stung)-First
it walked about all over my hand, and it
was so nice but oh! when it sat down.
What a splendid wife Downer has.
She's got sunny disposition, you know.
Yes, they do say she makes it hot for
him.
Interviewer Are you favorably i'm
pressed with this country? Eminent Lee
turer = Very. I'm raking in $1,000 a
week.
Ocean steamers do not race. Each
steamer tries to get across ahead of all
the others, that's all. The idea that they
race is popular error.
Lena-I had dreadfully dull time with
Mr. Sillyman last evening. Emma-Did
you have to do all the talking? No, had
to listen to him.
He is very original boy, that son of
yours. l think he is bound to rise in the
world. L don't know. It's hard thing
to get him to rise in the morning.
Daughter-Father, believe l was born
to marry a nobleman. Father-Yes, but,
daughter, try to look on the bright side
oil life-perhaps you'll die.
Teacher-In this stanza what is meant
by this line; ''The shades of night are
falling fast? Bright scholar-The people
were pulling down the blinds.
Falstaff says, What's honor? as though
'twere hard to tell; but let one woman
sit behind another in church, and she'll
tell what's on her in less than two min
utes.
To any one who will pay up between
now and the first of September, writes
Georgia editor, we will give a weeks
board fee. Our mother-in-law is keeping
house.
Professor (to class in horology)-If a
cheap watch were brought YOU to be re-
paired, how would you begin? Bright
Student-By asking the owner to pay in
advance.
Smith-Say, Brown, you seem to be
growing bald very rapidly. Why don't
you try some remedy? Brown am go
ing to. 1 went to see a divorce LAWYER
this morning.
Minnie-I was out driving with Maud
Mulroy last evening. She can handle a
horse just like man. Mamie-What!
she can't manage that animal of hers with
one hand, can she?
Why do you walk the floor all night?
Can't sleep. Well, for heavens sake.
don't be so selfish. Because you can't
sleep is no reason why you should deprive |
the carpet of its nap.
Miss Sweetlips (slyly)-A penny for
your thoughts, Mr.. Stubpen! Mr.. Stub |
pen-Thank you, Miss Sweetlips. That |
is just about what 1 am getting now in |
the literary market.
A stump orator exclaimed, know no
North, no South, no East, no West, fell |
low citizens. Then, exclaimed an old |
farmer in the crowd, it's time you went
to school and larnt Biography.
Do you really think that Mrs. Jones |
loves her husband? Loves him? Why, she
can't bear to have him out of her sight |
for single moment You don't mean il? |
had no idea that Jones was so bad as
that.
Texas editor-A Mormon editor is in
jail for supporting four wives. Wife |
You say he was an editor? That. the
way 1t reads" "And he supported four
wivesF Just So" well, don't he
lIeve IT,"
1t took five bushels of corn to yet into
circus 10 Kansas last summer. This
summer you can get into the main tent
stay to the concert, go to the side-show
and get picture of the Circhssian beauty
All for one bnshel.