Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-01-01

We feel like saying rats
Because outdoors
We hear the roars
o several hundred cats
She-"I saw someone to-day whom, l
am told, you greatly admire" He-"Ah !!
up to your old tricks again ?" "What do
you mean ?" "Why, looking in the glass"
Newwed-"Do you ever give your wife
any jewelry" Oldwed-"I gave her
piece of jewelry once, and Tve regretted it
ever since" Newwed-'What was it ~
Oldwed-"A wedding ring"
She was a toper's daughter, yet was
Her lover and the maiden fair would wed,
put the question TO her Her reply?
II don't care if do was all she said.
One Of Dixey's stories is that a Jew, who
goes up to railroad station and says:
Gimme tiged to Springfield" "What
Springfield ?' asked the ticket seller. "Illi-
nois or Massachusetts, 81 don't care.
Nichever's the cheapest"
Mrs. Upthar-"Have good time down
to York, my son?" Hiram-"No!l!"
Mrs. Upthar.-"Thought your cousin Ben
promised t take you round the city ?"
Hiram-"So he did; four times. He's
driving a belt-line car"
w lie u1olOTN Vi tHt
Those old blue laws must have been
horrible; the idea of prohibiting man
from kissing his wife on Sunday" Hus-
band-"Yes, they made great many I'M
necessary laws in those days"
Young Digby went to Ydssar
To lecture TO the g rlS;
And there. in fine orationS, shOwered
wealth OF wisdom's pearls.
But soon his courage faltered,
And went into eclipse
What wonder. when five hundred girls
Were hanging on his lips?"
Wife-"John, dear, l see the sporting
papers speak of you as a world beaten"
John Ia heavyweight pugilist) ii should
hope SO. | can beat anything ON EARTH"
Wife-"I am so glad. Please take this
carpet out in the back yard and keep in
practice"
First Kentucky citizen-"Our county is
going to vote on the liquor traffic. Are
you in favor of putting it down ?" Second
Kentucky citizen-"Yes, sir, am in favor
of putting it down. You don't happen to
have any about you, do you%
81 don't see how Mrs. McGay can afford
to wear so many tips on her hat. There
is row of them all the way round the
brim." afford it l wonder that she
hasn't the whole hat made of tips. Her
husband is hotel waiter, you know"
Father-"Jennie, you must tell Mr..
Staylaight not to come here any more
Look at my gas bill for the last month"
Jennie-"I am sure, father, 1t isn't our
fault. l always turn out the gas as soon as
you leave the ROOM"
Mrs. Zealous-"Will you have suffrage
leafet, sir" Visitor from the interior
"a which ?D Mrs. ZeaIous-"A suffrage
leatlet, in favor of woman suffrage you
know" Visitor-"Wall, now, [ swan !
S'manthy's allus tried to make me think
that wimmen suffered 'nough Already"
Little Johnnie-"Let's play stage rob-
Der. You come along and Pll spring out
with pistol and take away everything
you've got" Little Jimmie-"But we
haven't got no pistol nor nuth'n like a
stage. Tell you what: When you come
along Pll get you to sign paper, and
then | can rob you Just the same without
pistol" "All right; we'll play Loan
Agent if you like it better"
"How did you like me as living
statue" asked Mrs. Schmidt of her hus-
band on their return from an entertain
ment at which she figured conspicuously.
$40 tell the truth, was dumfounded," he
replied. "At my statuesque appearance"
mo, my dear; at you beng able to keep
your mouth shut so long."-Ieras SytingS.
Mrs. Jason-"It really is a pity that
the papers have to devote so much space
to scandal" Mr.. Jason-"It is, indeed.
By the way, did you see ANYTHING in the
papers about Wickwire leaving town the
other day with married womon% Mrs.
Jason-"No. Tell me about it quick.
Who was she? Mr.. Jason-''His wife"
Yellowly-"Ju5t see that old drunkard
they're taking into the station there
What a wreck he is" Brownly-"Yes,
rum appears TO nave downed him."
Y-''Its the way with em all once they
start, there is no knowing where they will
stop" B.-"That's so. Well, as it's
pretty cold night, suppose we go in and
take drink" YAH right"
We went a fishing-she and l.
The fish were wary;
They clrcled round the tempting fly
In mood contrary.
We changed the bait. I cast sleeps eyes
She played dimple
(Ah me- though some are over wise,
Pronounce me simple)
She bit-alas, the misery
Twas even barter,
she caught ninny-woe is me,
caught Tartar.
There is an uncommonly frank and hui
morous darky porter on one of the Wag-
ner cars that ply between Chicago and
New York. The other day, when he APP
peared before the passengers, brush in
hand, to get them all to stand up and de-
liver their quarters and half-dollars in
the usual way, this is what he said
Stand up tell | brush you of, gemmen.
1t don't amount to nothin', and you may
not need it, but you want me to go through
the motions, SOS to feel as if l earned what