The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1890-04-05
MIN HB0uF TOWN.

burden by winning day after day and
year after year about the trouble
caused them by their teeth. You will
usually find that this variety Of man
usually bolts his dinner Not In the
sense OF boiling ticket, but In the
sense OF imagining himself COW and
then being surprised that the cud he
has swallowed does not reappear to be
masticated. This sort OF man expects
his stomach to do his chewing for him
and allows his teeth to have an unin-
terrupted holiday. AS with every
thing else, his teeth get rusty and de-
cay. Then he blames the poor things,
when IL they had been given half
show TO work, instead of being the
pampered pets of a bated breath, all
would have been different.
So
when man enters store he buys
what he wants and goes out. A woman
goes into ten stores and never knows
what she wants. "-POpulor Tradition.
Barnes-Hang these shoe dealers,
anyhow.
Mrs. Barnes-What's the matter,
Henry?
Barnes-Matter enough I've been
in every shoe store in town! I've tried
on every pair Of rs on a b last in the
whole place, and I'll be hanged II l
can get fit. Some of 'em are too
pointed, some are too broad and most
of 'em make my feet look like canal
boats. Dam the shoes, anyhow.
But his wife had secured pair with
out the least difficulty in less than
fifteen minutes
~
Surprise parties are as old as the
fringe on PharaOh'S whiskerS, but l
never heard Of surprise party being
surprised until yesterday. johnson
told me about it. He said:
'It was moonlit night and we
gathered at the home of one of the
crowd and marched to the house
where the surprise was to take place.
We knocked on the door and in about
, half a second the window above
opened and a tub of water ruined our
Sunday clothes. Surprised? You bet
we were! But | forgave him when
learned that a Salvation Army crowd
had struck him an hour before"
StreatOr RepOrter-Say, shall write
up base ball article?
The Editor-NOt If we know our
self. What dye take us for, anyhow?
Dye 'spose this ere town wants to trOt
in the same class wild such jim-crOw
place as Ottawa and Chicago? G'way!
~
| Did you ever see a Sport-0ne or the
"dead game" kind-that didn't try to
make you believe that all the other
sports were chumps? l did. this is
what he had to say:
81 amt no sport alongside some
people, but you bet yer lip / kin
hold up de checks wild de rest
Of de gang. When yer goes in on de
boss racin' always put yer stuff on de
boss dat de hOssman is backin' and
den yer Amt got no chances ter lose.
OATS what l done at der last races
an yer bet yer life / raked In der pot.
See?"
| couldn't quite make out what he
meant, but he thought did.
An attempt was made to form new
secret society in Ottawa last week,
but it has been abandoned. The
"coOn" who does the brushing in a
down town barber shop was the first
candidate for initiation. He was also
the last candidate, for after his en-
trance the society was carried home
on door. The 'cOOn" was first
blindfolded and stood up against the
wall. Then he was given a coat OF
whitewash. All this was taken pa
tiently until somebody laughed. Their
the 'cOon" woke up. Ten minutes
later the society lay at the bottom OF
the observation-disclosures to join Mr.
Nattinger's NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. in the
land Of Oblivion and stale beer.
The dollar size of Bigelow's Cough
Cure is being sold by all druggists a,
50 cents. Supply yourself with the
best cough medicine in existence al
half price.