Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-10-26
| heard of" sThen it wasn't much of a


uncertainty NV man buried above
whether he's dead or notr'
"Nature," says Scrappleton, 'never
makes a mistake" ooh, | don't know
about that; look at the dude" 'Yes; but
she didn't waste any brains on him. =
Washington Post.
cleft your purse at home, eh Well,
can't lend you $40, but l can put you in
the way of getting it at once. Here's a
nickel. Take a car home and get your
purse" Chatter.
what are you doing now, Gus ~ said
one young man about town to another.
80, write for a living" son the press?"
"No; l write to father about twice month
for a remittance"
Ockheimer Gust landed at the barge
ofice)-"H is de staidt of de kountrish?'
Solomans (been here six months
would be goot only dere vos too many
AMERICANS in it alretty."
"John," said the minister, ''will you
take this woman to be your welded wife? ?"
"Now, here, parson, what's the use of ask
ing questions like that? What do you
suppose am after; divorce?"
First Local Statesman docking over a
new ticket)-"McMoriarthy, O'Hooligan
McGoogan, O'Roork, Smith-Phwat did
yez nomynate Smith fur?" Second Local
Statesman-"Phwist! Thots ter cotch tn
Amerykin vote"
"New York is a great place." said the
tourist. 'It has an Italian quarter, and a
Chinese quarter, and French quarter, but
where is the American quarter p SIN the
pocket of the hotel waiter" answered his
American cousin.
A leading Chinaman in New York being
chaffed on his custom of spreading a
splendid feast for joss, replied with a
broad Celestial grin: "Chinaman feedee
his god lazy Christian man waitee for his
god to feedee him."
Legalcap-"A client addressed me IA
miliarly this morning as old Horse"
Briefer-THad he just paid his bill?o
"Yes; why?" Perhaps it was his way of
telling you that you were a splendid
charger Y. Sun.
"Well," said Chappie, drinking his
glass, "the bottles empty. 1t doesn't take
me long to make quart of champagne
look silly" That's so,' returned Binks.
"And it doesn't take the quart long to re-
ciprocate the attention, either" Mem
York Herald.
"You needn't talk about keeping ones
word" said husband to his wife during a
slight misunderstanding when | first
asked you to marry me you declared that
you wouldn't marry the best man IN the
world" "Well, l didn't" snapped the
wife.-New York Sun.
Mamma" remarked the blooming
daughter Of the Cawnfeds from Chicago,
II hear those stuckupBlue bloods have all
got the influenza" "They have, have
they? Then your father must buy it for
US. l guess we've got as much money to
spend as they have."-Phladelphia Times.
eyes, it's a world of trials" he said,
"and | certainly have had my share of
them" 'iStIll, there's a certain advantage
in them if you choose to look at it that
way. 1t makes the mind stronger, as it
WERE" "Pd like to know how% 'Its
only through trials that certain people get
convictions, you know"
Deaf old lady in the street car accident
-"Oh, sir, can you tell me what has hap
pened?" Pious Gentleman-"Pray calm
yourself, madame; remember that kind
heaven bends over all" Deaf Old Lady
Ito female companion Martha Jane,
what's this old fool sayin' to me about
mems overalls ?'- West Shore.
Miss Terriut-"When mommer and l
were in Yurrup, oh, the awfulest thing
happened There was a Prince-and a
Count-and-and they fought a duel
about poor me-with pistols" Yabsley-
"Ah were they loaded - Miss Terriut-
';No, they weren't! They were just as
sober as could be be."-IndianopoliS Journal.
Judge Snufy-"Erasmus Lightfoot, You
are charged with chicken stealing. Have
you a lawyer" Erasmus-"No, sah.''
Judge Snufy-"Do you wish the Court to
assign you lawyer" Erasmus-'No,
sab no, sab r. Judge Snuffy-"What do
you wish to do about it?D Erasmus
"Well, Jedge, if it's all de same to you,
I'd jess as leave dismiss de case."-BrOok-
Ign Life.
Mrs. Mushroom-'It is a queer thing,
Sophie, I've been all day searching the
stores for an escutcheon, and don't think
there's one in town. | heard Mrs. Startup
say that the Montagues boasted about their
unvarnished escutcheon, and / amt goin'
to let the neighbors get ahead of me. I'll
have an escutcheon if l have to send to
Yurrup for it, and, what's more, I'll have
a vanished one."-Chicogo american.
Tommy-"Let me see your ear, Mr.. Sap
pyhedde?n Mr.. appyhedde-"Wha for,
Tommy" Tommy-'I want to see if you
got it out. Didn't it tickle ?" Mr.. Sap
pyhedde-"What are you talking about F'
Tommy-"Well, the last time you were
here, sister said she sent you away with a
flea in your ear" And Mr.. Sappyhedde,
panied expression on his face, put on his
hat and said he guessed he wouldn't wait.
PHILADELPHIA Press.
Customer-"I want two-cent stamp"
Druggist-"Cert'nly, ma'am. Anything
else ?" Customer-"No. Please be sure
and send the stamp home in time for the
mail" Druggist-"Yes, ma'am. Shall 1
send the boy TO lick the stampw Gus
tomer-"No. That will not be necessary.
How much?" Druggist with sigh)-
"Two cents" Customer paying him)-
II QOeS seem as tnOugn we ought 10 nave
cheaper postagel Good morning.
HQrpe's Bdzar.
AUTUMN LEAVES.
The melancholy days have come
The saddest in the year;
The youth whose oyercoats's in pawn
Without it now feels queer.
The dude and dudelet from the beach
And mountain do return
'Tis pleasant now TO sit in doors
And watch the fire burn.
No more the tennis player sports
About in blazer gay.
The weathers grown too cold for 1t,
And now it's laid away.
And here we notice something strange
Deny the fact who can
That in, at least, some simple things,
Dame Nature copies man.
For when the dude his blazer doffs
And heavier coat does don.
The woods, grown sick OF looking green,
Just put their blazer on.
Laurence american.
A Terrapin Farm.
1t Is an inclosure about twenty feel
square, one-half of it filled with loose sand
and tank occupying the rest of the space
The tank is below tide level, and at high