The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1890-12-25
WISE AND OTHERWISE.

The patriotic newspaper man grows
tired of reporting murders and longs to
write up a hanging occasionally.
Citizen-Your paper has healthy
tone.
Editor-Yes. We make speciality of
patent-medicine advertisements.
At a spiritualist meeting the other
evening, gentleman requested the me
dunn to ask what amusements were
most popular in the spirital world. The
reply was: Reading our own obituary
notices"
Everybody who has used it knows that
Old Saul's Catarrh Cure is the standard
remedy of its kind in the market. Price
only % cents.
We often wondered what induced DR..
Bull to invent his celebrated Baby Syrup
but we understand now, that he was a
married man. '
Department of religion Polite stranger
| i wish to see the religious editor, if
you have one on this paper.
Office Boy, cautiously-The man wOt
runs the religious column is in fust room
to tn right.
politics is a lottery" wrote the edi-
tor, and his edition was promptly thrown
out of the mails by the postmaster, under
the law against advertising lotteries.
There is risk in printing anything about
Lots wife.
An Ambition easily Gratiied-"Papa,"
| remarked johnny, II should like to be a
pirate when | grow up"
"All right, my boy" returned the old
,pil -, d. .f
the humorous column on religious news
paper"
DON'T WANT A DOCTOR.
have tried them, and they have only
swindled me. | have figured up what
they cost me for the last four years, it
was just S524.3l. If had it now it
would be fortune for me. This year
my bill for medicine was only five dol
lars, for which purchased six bottles of
Sulphur Bitters. They cured me of
Scrofula after suffering four years.-P
j. Cummings, Troy, N. Y.
The Carson, New, Appeal has ac-
quired an extensive library by inserting
the following about once month: "Peo-
pie who have recently borrowed books
from this office will please return them"
Carsonites forget where they borrowed
their books, and they are taking them to
the appeal office by the armful.
There is this unfortunate difference be-
tween church singer and newspaper
poet -one sings in choir, but the other
seldom sings in less thana ream.
The Great American Chorus.
Sneezing, snuffling and coughing!
This is the music all over thd land lust
now. 1--WE got such an awful cold in
my head" Cure it with Ely's Cream
Balm or it may end in the toughest form
of catarrh. Maybe you have catarrh
now. Nothing is more nauseous and
dreadful. This remedy masters it as no
other did. Not a snuff nor liquid
Pleasant, certain, radical.
The poet and the editor were playing
lawn tennis, and the latter was beaten.
You serve well, but you can't return"
said the poet.
Cant Il" asked the editor. "Send
me a poem and see."
A Close Appraisal-Miss Sweetlips,
shylly; A penny for your thoughts, Mr..
Stubpen!
Mr.. Stubpen-Than you, Miss Sweet
lips. That is just about what am get
ting now in the literary market.
The Man He neutrality-suspicious., to
proprietor of great newspaper; Have you
a vacancy on your staff, sir?
Proprietor-I need a circulation aft
davit editor, but don't know that you
would suit.
81 think 1 would, sir have been a
census enumerator at Minneapolis"
"The place is yours"
A Satisfactory INSTRUMENTATION: You
offered yourself to my daughter last
night, you say?
Squibb-Yes, sir.
"Did you compose yourself for that
occasion?"
81 did,"
''You are sure you hadn't been the
rounds, and declined with thanks several
times?n
''Quite sure, SIR"
"My daughter found you available, did
she?H
"She accepted me; yes, SIR
"Well, professional humorist is a
funny man for my daughter to marry,
and you have my blessing. Check will
follow soon."
We've heard of woman who said She d
walk five miles to get bottle of DIR.
Pierce's Favorite Prescription if she
couldn't get it without. That woman
had tried it. And it's medicine which |
makes itself felt in toning up the system |
and correcting irregularities as soon as
its use is begun. Go to your drug |
store, poy dollar, get bottle and try |
it--try second, third if necessary. |
Before the third ones been taken you'll |
know that there's remedy to help you.
Then you'll keep on and cure III come.
But if you shouldn't feel the help, should |
be disappointed in the results-you'll |
find a guarantee printed ON the bottle
wrapper that II get your money back for
you.