The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1890-08-07
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Some Honest Answers to a Number Of
InquisItive Subscribers.

NEW ENGLAND UNDERTAKEN. We
would not advise you to come West
under the idea that you can make a
cart-load of money in your business in a
year or two There are not only plenty
of undertakers out this way, but owing
to certain peculiarities the business is
not as fourishing as it might be. Our
people done make much of funerals.
The idea is that after man is dead he
isn't good for much, and it's wonderful
how cheap you can cut the figures il you
so desire. For instance, the last man
we shot figured on us as follows:
Drinks for coroner's jury. 60
o DoA LOT remains. ..........-............ 10
digging grave .......-...,............ =. 20
61eao Doaru ...-----.... ........... 10
Survives oi oray' '.'......... ~
IotaL.-.. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. 81 80
You can't get things much below this
figure, while the people here won't
stand much of raise on it. We'd like
your society and we'd like your aid to
help build up the town, but when you
ask US for facts and figures we have got
to give them to you straight
THAT DEPENDs.-A real es ate man in
Chicago writes to inquire what property
is worth front foot in this town. That
depends upon circumstances. Two weeks
ago Colonel Splinters sold forty feet on
Apache avenue for $40 per foot, and two
days later Judge Hampton sold still
better piece of property on the aame
avenue for $35 per foot. The Colonel
was sober and the Judge was drunk. In
a Jackpot the property is generally put
in at about $85 per foot. In bluff it
has run up to $3.50. When the vigilance
committee was going to hang Sage Brush
Jones for stabbing Judge Wickham he
offered them 800 feet of nice property in
the center of town for S15 per foot
Within an hour after they had let him
go on his promise of future good be-
hayior he jumped his figures to $95, and
didn't care to sell at that. There ought
to be permanent value placed on real
estate in this town, but as things are
now it seems to be impossible.
It's ACcoRDING.-''J b." of Boston,
writes to inquire if an educated and cul-
tured man could find such society here
as would help him to feel at home.
That's according. If you come with
your neighbours wife-if you come to
keep out of the way of the sheriff.
you leave your right name in Boston and
come out here to take another, you will
find society which will fit you like an
old shoe. But if you are straight man
and calculate to call at the post-office by
daylight for your mail, and you intend
to be visible when the stage comes in,
you may be somewhat disappointed in
our people. We are warm-hearted, but
peculiar. If the boys didn't happen to
take to you it would cost your friends
quite bit to send for the remains.
WHY WE DoN'T.-''X.," of Chicago,
writes that he is both surprised and
panied because the Kicker has no
weekly department devoted to agricul-
ture, and he wants to know the reason
why. The chief reason lies in the fact
that we haven't enough agriculture
within twenty miles of this town to
make three-line item in newspaper.
Efforts in that direction are limited to
growing little corn, raising a few
potatoes and taking cover under sand
hills to shoot coyotes and jackass rab-
bits. We run such department. two
weeks, with the result that quite num-
Der of chaps who were talking of farm
ing gave it up. They discovered that
there was backache in it-a thing they
had never suspected before.
Nor RIGHT HERE.-"Peter G., of Mil.
waukee, inquiries if there are any grizzly
bears here, and which is the best time
for an Eastern Nimrod to come out and
slay few dozen.
No, Peter, there are no grizzlies in
this neighborhood = this immediate
neighborhood. Now and then some
drunken cowboy rides in with story Of
having seen the print of grizzly's foot
in the sand, but the same print always
turns out to be the spot where some
mule tried to roll his saddle off. While
we can't promise you grizzly bears right
around here, we'll go you a new hat
that the boys will run you through the
cactus, drive you into the sand, tie you
to bucking broncho or make 1t just as
| interesting in some other way. The
best time to hunt the grizzly is when
you have got to the top of a mighty tall
| tree and he is sitting at the foot of it
and waiting for you to come down.
THEY ExAGGERATE.-"M P" sends
us an item clipped from New York
paper stating that we have killed four
teen men and been wounded eight times
and he asks If it is true. No, sir. It's
base exaggeration. We have been
under the painful necessity of checking
off the accounts of four of our fellow
/ beings and have been hit twice. That's
all, and we haven't even got the repu
tation yet of being a dangerous man
Don't believe all you see in the papers
Detroit Free Press.
He Would Not Suit.
Bank President.-Did you say, Mr.
Bullion, that the young man you rec
I ononnaud is SIlhiect To fits of abstrac.