Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1890-01-25
IN PURSUIT OF A WIFE.
What Happened to a Young Woman
Who Was Hired to Help Courtship.

who Was Hired to Help a C0urtship.
A GENTLEMAN IN THE UNDERTAKING LINE FINDS
DIFFICULTY IN SECURING srousE-HE HIRES
AN IsrERNEDiARI-soME OF THE OBSTACLES
IN THE WAY OF MArRNoNY-succEss AT LAST
''Never again shall be persuaded to act in
the capacity of go-between matrimonial
said certain very pretty young woman to a
srAR writer day or two ago. "About this
time last month I SOW an advertisement in the
Personal column u a Washington paper that
asked the services of lady to aid in conduct
ing acourtship; compensation liberal 1t hap
pened that wanted what was to me a consider
able sum Of money very badly, and, in moment
| Of recklessness, replied to the advertisement,
saying that would be happy 10 lend my aid in
the matter, provided that it was to be
connection with the enterprise was to be
strictly confidential In response to my an
swer was honored by visit from one Of the
most surprising persons that 1 have ever had
the pleasure Of encountering. found him, as
entered the drawing room, sitting on the edge
OF the chair and chewing the brim of his hat in
an embarrassed manner. He looked Just a
trihe consumptively inclined and was dressed
In black, even to ms necktie and CATERS. When
/ asked him who he was he said
MY name is Simpson. / wish to marry.
and have understood from your note that you
are willing to aid me In accomplishing the pro-
ject.'
Evidently, judging from the manner in
which this address was delivered. it had been
carefully made up IN advance. Said L:
1T all depends, you know, upon what you
wish me to do
6 oh. he said, 'it's very simple. have de-
cided that the condition of ma.rimony-I hope
this chair Is meant to be sat upon-is much
more blessed than the single state. Therefore
propose to take wife. The trouble is that
in my efforts in that direction thus far l have
met with unaccountable failure. 1 cannot
imagine why Persons have told me that my
appearance is not Objectionable; 1 own good
deal OF property, accumulated in the business
Of selling undertakers' suppiies-such as cof
fms, you know, embalming fluids and burial
costumes-and cannot imagine why have ex-
perienced such trouble in Transforming myself
into family man. What l wish to ask You to
do If you are willing to serve me in this affair
is that you will introduce me to some desirable
young lady, help me through the process of
wooing, and see me safely married at the end.
On my part will return-perhaps / should say
repay-the obligation with $500 when have
been united to the lady secured for me by your
iutermediation.'
THE BARGAIN STRUCK.
GAN this" said the pretty girl, .'was deliv-
cred in a very hesitating way. However,
understood what he meant-at any rate I
thought so-and I agreed. for the remunera-
ton offered, to attempt the service. Being
somewhat OF business woman myself wrote
the contract down and had it formally agreed
to, with his signature to bind the bargain, that
was to receive the $500 il | succeeded in OBJ
tanning for him wife. Subsequently l in
CURED into the circumstances of the man and
found that his credit was good for anything in
reason. So l undertook the task hopefully
Preiiminarily l ascertained from my patron
that he had been on the point of marrying at
least twenty times. 1t was astonishing to hear
the account he gave of the series of extraordi-
nary accidents by which his matrimonial en-
terprises had been defeated one after another.
In each case it seemed he was on the point of
actual wedlock when something of an alto
gether unexpected nature turned up to render
the scheme abortve. Upon my word it APP
peared astonishing that man not unpresent-
able and equipped beautifully with cash
should have met with such q succession of fail
ures. The mystery of it was, to a considerable
extent explained by my subsequent experience.
ANY WIFE WOULD DO.
"Mr. Simpson had paid too much attention
to the undertaking business-I have seen
dummy female figures in his establishment in
grave clothes with corsage bouquets and large
bustles-to occupy himself with the study Of
the art OF pleasing the other sex in life. 1t
always seemed to me when we were talking to-
gether that he was estimating in his mind the
number of quarts of embalming fluid that
would be required for my preservation as a
corpse. He never seemed at all at ease in my
presence during our interviews and the only
notions could persuade him to express re-
garding women were to the general effect that
they were all angelic and that his chief ambi-
ton was to marry one of them. So far as l
could ascertain it did not matter very seri-
ouslv to him which one was selected. What he
wished of me was that should introduce him
N n a
matters that a matrimonial arrangement might
be accomplished without too much effort on
his own part. 1t was not that he was unwilling
to exert himself. but merely that he felt too
embarrassed In the presence Of petticoats to
act.
curing FOR Mr.. Simpson mate. Before the
deal was fairly consummated had in view not
less than six desirable girls.
NONE OF THEM HAD MONEY:
but fortunately, as it appeared, my patron did
not insist upon that requisite. Apparently he
considered that he had himself made enough
cash by putting his fellow beings under ground
to support a family. Availability, reasonable
intelligence, and a certain amount not Excess
sive of good looks were the qualifications essen
tial in his view. The conditions we're not so
very difficult to meet, and it was with some
cheerfulness that made my first essay in his
behalf by introducing him to the fairly pretty
Miss T., who has reached an age-thOugh she
was still young woman-when the prospecto of
q husband is considered with a commencing
anxiety. / took care to let her know in adj
var &c that this friend of mine was person of
some fortune and DESTROYS of marrying. The
introduction was accomplished in due form:
but sad to say, business did not prosper. As
well as l can make out, the reason was that the
lady who served as an object of pursuit was
kept under rigid surveillance by her mother.
The latter had attained an adiposity which the
plumpness OF her daughter gave indications
merely of initiating in later life. She had a
perceptible mustache, and even what an I'M
prejudiced observer would have called side
whiskers. Likewise her voice was pitched in a
high key with buzz saw accent and when she
said that her daughter never entertained gem