Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1890-09-18
ONE SIDE OF SCHOOL. LIFE.

Retort, Etc, Etc.
ONE SIDE OF SCHOOL. LIFE.
''What do you like best about school,
Georgeq
''Not gettin' caught whisperin'."
THE MERcENARy GIRL.
Miss Gotham-What kind of scent do
you prefer2
Miss Bullion-Cent per cent.-[New
York Herald.
A CONDENSED QUART.
''what's thisP' \
That's your condensed milk"
''But ordered quart no
quart"
eyes, if is. It's a condensed quart. "
Il Bazar. .
THE NEXT THING.
Mrs. Larkin (reading)-Mrs. McGill
of Salt Lake City found $5 gold piece
in a crop of chicken she was dressing
for dinner.
Larkin-Now look out for an English
syndicate to buy up oil the chickens in
the country New York Sun.
A BRUTAL REToRT.
"a Portuguese proverb asserts that
contented ass enjoys long life."
"You ought to be able to get good in
surance rates on that principle. y
Epoch.
sHREwD FLATTERY.
Agent-That child is very much like
you, Madam.
''It is not my child, Sir"
'tOne would know that, Madam, for it
is a very bomely little thing"
A SUGGESTION.
"I don't know whether to make the
incision from the left hankipanki over to
the boorioboolaga, three inches, or to
achieve the same results by cutting from
the parallax straight through to the rut-
abaga," said the surgeon to his assistant.
''Take the short cut and you'll get
there quicker, DOCTOR" suggested the
patient New York Sun.
AN INTELLIGENT ANIMAL.
Cautious Dame-Are you sure this
horse is suitable for lady to drive2
Livery Man--Yes'm. He's a very in
telligent hoss, mum, and won't let you
run him into anything.
LOVES TIE DOESN'T BIND THE DOG.
Oh, loves chain of wondrous might,
We find it as on we Jog;
Twill tie up hearts exceeding tight
But will not tie the dog.
Washington Post.
A SHOCK TO HIS FAITH.
''Now, Tommy, said that young mans
mother, after heated encounter in
which he had come out second best,
''say your prayers right away and get
into bed"
81 already said 'em, maw," answered
Tommy, ''as soon as l found out you
meant to gimme lickin', but it didn't
work. ."- Terre Haute Express.
THE STOVE WENT OUT.
Mistress during a heated term Get
dinner to-day on the gasoline stove,
Bridget.
Bridget-Plaze, mum, did thry, but
tn stove wint out.
Mistress-Try again, then.
Bridget-Yis, mum, but it's not come
back yit. 1t wint out Trough tn roof
New York Weekly.
STRUCK BY A TRAMP.
"What do,y mean9" said gentle
man, jumping aside as a tramp drew
back his hand as if to strike him.
"Nothing at all, SIR" replied the
tramp meekly. II wouldn't strike you
for $50, sir. No, SIR" he continued
hurriedly; ''no, sir, wouldn't. But if
you will permit me I'd like to strike you
for quarter"
"My dorg kin lick your dorg, Tommy
Bodkins."
''He can't do no sech thing, Patsey
Mcintyre; 'ain't got no dorg."
swell, my pa kin lick yourn."
s'Can't neither; 'aint got no pa"
s'Well, my ma kin lick yourn."
'sBet she can't; amt got no ma"
"What hev yer got, anyhow9n
''Nothin'"
"Well, jcs yer come over here, an
III take that out O YER Harper's Ba-
zar.
CHARGES SUSTAINED.
Immigrant Tnspector-We have infor-
nation that you came over here on con-
tract
Lord Fitzmud- Fitzmud indignantly
!-Aw-what-er-e why, you wude, i'm
pudent fellah, come ovah here to marry
Miss Angelina Goldust, of New Yawk.
Immigrant Inspector (triumphantly)-
Well. what's che matter with yer; amt
marriage contract? You'll have to &C
ack.-[Life.
TECHNICALTTY.
Susie Papa, isn't it murder to kill a
hog2
Papa (who is lawyer)--Not exactly.
Murder is assaulting with intent to kill,
the other is killing with intent to salt. -
Harper's Bazaar.
EASILY SPOTTED.