Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-11-09

Keep awake on earth. The last sleep
will be a very long one.
Waiter Soup, sir?" Thespian-"No;
confound your impudencel Pm star"
Wife-"When l die / wish to be Gre
mated" Husband-"Just like you. Even
in death you're bound to retort."
They polled the town to acertain
The drinkers old and sage,
And learned that men who drink old rye
Had reached ryepolled age
Teacher-'Whi is the shortest month
of the year? ?" Small boy-"Orgust"
Teacher-"August ?" Small boy-"Yes'm.
That's the last month of vacation"
81 can't 60 Schubert" exclaimed Mrs.
Skimgullet at the concert. "But you can
60 Chopin every day in the week." re-
torted her husband.-Masical Courier.
"Did you recognize your wife at the
masquerade ball last nightT "Not until
l patted her shoulder, and she whispered
to me: Lemuel, don't make fool Of
yourself, you old donkey." ."-Chjedgo Post.
"If there should be war between Eng
land and Ireland, l should tremble for the
consequences to this country" "Pshaw !!
The United States wouldn't be drawn into
the quarrel" u know it, man; but what
would we do for policemen ?"-Iown Crier.
"Pm afraid you will have to look for a
new place before the first of the month,
Bridge "What fur, ma'am?" "Mr.
Smith objects TO so much waste in the
kitchen" "Lor' ma'am, if that's all. I'll
lace myself widin an inch of me loife."-
Life.
Old Friend-"I s'pose girls are a good
deal more expensive to rear than boys,
amt they" Old Family Man-"Wall,
they is fer while, but mos generally as
soon as a girl marries the expense is
through with; but just as quick as son
gifts married he wants to borrer all you've
got."-M Y. Weekly.
q tell you," said Mr.. Goslo, "this cam
paign reading that they send around has a
wonderful effect 1t fills me with kindling
enthusiasm" 'Well," replied his wife,
'kindling enthusiasm is what you need
more than anything else. There amt a
stick of wood split Washington Post
She-'Darling, please tell the grocer to
send me up two quarts of nice, fresh
sponges." He-"You can't get sponges at
the grocer's, dueky, but FL stop at the
druggists for them. What kind do you
want?n She-"I want the kind used for
making sponge cake, and tell him they
must be fresh. h."-ISeditLe Press.
Mrs. Wiekwire-"At the meeting of the
sisterhood last night We decided to each
give 10 per cent. Of her income to char
ity." Mr.. Wickwire-"Well, that is a
very praiseworthy resolution, my dear"
Mrs. Wickwire-"I think so; and after
this, when / ask you for dollar, don't
you think you ought to give me dollar
and ten ents."-Indianapolis Journal.
A matter-of-fact Postmaster in small
town in Arkansas recently wrote to the
Postofice Department stating that one
ef the citizens had entered the
office armed with a Winchester rife
and had pointed it at the Postmaster in
threatening manner. He closed his tele-
gran with the words: "Send instructions"
Colonel Whitfield, the First Assistant, re-
piled tersely: johnny, get your gun."-
Washington Star.
"Fadder, vat vas all dis in de bapers
about marriage vas failure?" go way,
Isaacl You vas too young entirely to
know Something's about marriage, mein
son." ''But, fadder, vas beeg boy
now, und / want to keep bosted.n
Hyell, und vat vas it l must dell you ?"
ayas marriage trooly a failure, fadder?"
'sVell. dell you," said the father impress
siyely, suff you marry a real, real rich
voomans, marriage vas sometimes as goot
as a ilure.s-Bostoa Beacon,