The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1890-07-26
SINGLE AND MARRIED MEN.
Kate Thorn Chats Pleasantly About the
Difference between Them.

Kate Thorn Chats Pleasantly About ths
Difference Between Them.
1t seems very little thing to stand
up for ten minutes before a clergyman
and say over after him II will" few
times, and after that to be kissed and
congratulated by q score of people you
have hardly seen before that time, and
who will ever after remain in your
memory collectively as her relations.
Marriage, we are told, is civil con-
tract, like a great many other kinds of
contracts; but 1t will work more change
in man than three conversions, two
vaccinations, run Of Ia grippe, rail-
way accident and two bankruptcies
The married man can never again be-
come the single. His wife may die or
get divorced, or elope with another man,
but her husband can never go back to
the virgin state of single blessedness,
and he knows it, though he tries his
best to compass 1t.
A married man always carries his
condition with him, like trademark
Anybody Of average discernment can
detect him at glance.
He does not pinch his toes with tight
boots. He does not scent himself with
violets He never parts his hair in the
middle. He keeps his seat in the horse
car when the pretty girl, laden with
bundles, comes in; he knows that his
wife wouldn't approve of his rising.
He does not get up flirtations with the
good-looking saleswoman whore he buys
his gloves he remembers that little
birds are flying all around telling tales,
and he has q horror of curtain-lectures;
somehow, married men never seem to
arrive at that state of beatitude where
they do appreciate the kind of literary
performance known as curtain-lectures.
The married man has come to that
stage when he is convinced that the
way his necktie hangs may not be any
more important than his souls saliva
ton. He knows to certainty that true
nap piness does not depend on the
amount of starch in his shirt-bosom, but
he will have to have been at least three
times welded before he will be able to
be reconciled to collar-band two sizes
small or one size large. The man who
can smile at fate when it swoops down
upon him in the shape of an ill-fitting
collar-band is nearly ready for canoniza-
ton.
The married man goes to sleep in
church. He is placid when somebody's
baby cries at the play. He carries bun
dies with meekness. He knows the
prices of sugar and round steak. He
knows that bustles are going out of
fashion. He can distinguish between
false ''crimps" and those which grow
on the head. He knows that women put
their hair in papers. Powder is no
longer mystery to him. He can de-
tect it on the faces of his female friends.
and he looks out that it does not get on
his coat, because his wife can detect it,
too.
He is not distracted If she smiles on
other men, as he once was. He can read
the paper a whole evening, and never
think of squeezing her hand. He is
sleepy by nine o'clock. Before they
were married he could sit up with her
till day-dawn and never dream of such
a thing as sleep He no longer loves her
cat and dog. He frequently says that
he wishes cats had been left out of the
scheme of creation. He has been known
to kick the unoffending animal. He
has little sympathy for wifely head
aches. Once he was on the verge of
lunacy over any of her little ailments;
now he is a great deal more concerned
as to what he is likely to have for din
ner. He doesn't spend any money on
flowers. He lays it out in cigars in
stead.
He is no longer acting with purpose
in view-he has married her, and he is
himself once more. just married man,
and not an ideal, romantic, sonnet
writing lover.
And what about the single man?
just imagine him everything that the
man is not, and a great deal
more, and you will not come far short
Of the mark.-N. Y. Weekly.