The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-12-19
WIT AND HUMoR.
II I'm u II y NJ OIbs
She started the fire with kerosene,
Blew up and hasn't since benzine
Philadelphia Times.
Now let the women do our work.
And Il tus cock the lash,
FOR DOW they wcs.r our .aundried shirt.
And we've " car tbeif sash.

Arbitration gives two parties the
halves of a pretty stale and bitter Loaf.
Puck.
Things said softly behind fan may
raise great breeze.-New Orleans
Ptcdyuae.
Earth has no greater joy than the
discovery of a quarter in cast-off
yest.-LJe.
Every mother owns the best boy
the worst one belongs next door every
time.-7eras Siflings.
We suppose a nose may be said to be
broke when it hasn't got a scent
Bi'sghdmton Leader
4 true word is often spoken in Jest:
but we always like tito be about some
other fellow.-Puck.
You can't teach an old dog new
tricks. but you can buy a new dog
Ierrc Haxte Express.
OF one thing nobody can truthfuIiy
say it isn't in it, That is the letter
r. philadelphia Press.
An old maid asks: If whatever is is
right. how does it happen that I'm
ieft?-Bi'sghantt Leader.
Economy is wealth; but it is a kind
OF wealth that the rich man finds it
hard to transfer to his son.-Puck-
Owing to the failure of the apple
crop even sweet cider will be hard to
get this year. Cincinnati Enquirer.
The tramp begging bread at board
ing house is open aud above board in
his statements--Net0 Orleans Picay,tae.
Time is the essence of all contracts,
except when you endeaFor to contract
for a suit of clothes on time.-sJesreEers'
Circular.
The difference between a chef and a
cook is that one is paid salary and
the other has TO sue for her wages
E!nifrd Gazette.
Customer-''Seems to me that razor
is rather dull Barber. .Mought be,
sah- 1t was to pahty las night,
sah."-N. Y. Heekiy.
She-..I didn't think you'd dare to
kiss me,' He-..There was a good
deal of danger about it, so II thought
we'd better face it together. Life.
Civilization has made marvellous
strides. Ananias wouldn't have been
a patch ON the nineteenth century
campaign liars trousers Philadelphia
Times.
Il thought many Il time when / used
to 60 see my TIT she was sweet enough
to eat" Aud why didn't ron eat
her?n She sonred on me. ''-Phita-
dolphin Times
Poet. who is reading his verses to a
friend-.-Ahi NV words seem to touch
you. You are shedding tearsr' No,
only wiping of the perspiration."-
Faegeade Biatter.
4 don't go with her any moret''
..How's that?" Il popped the ques-
ton to her coming up on the steamer
from Cape Nav, but she threw me
oyer.-Psitgde lphia Times.
Does Mrs. Weeds mourn her hus-
band sincerelyen asked Mrs. Wing.
Indeed she does,- was the reply.
She hasn't any ybody but the ieeInan
now to scold. SonierUiiIe Journal.
Wibble There goes man that
makes his living of other peoples bad
habits Wabble-.K Keeps saloon.
does hep Wibble-..No: he deals in
secondhand clothes. .''-Terre Raute
Express.
Slranger-..W do the High
minds residef They are enc of the old
families of this city. believe Mrs.
Eorundred-.fChey used to be. but Mr..
Highmind failed last seaf. N 7.
Weekly.
First Rector-''Is your congregation
going TO raise your salary this coming
yeara' Second Rector-..Well. don't
know; they haven't finished raising my
last years salary yet. "-SBiith. Gray
d Co.'S Monthly.
.'Do you know what Bismarek's
scheme of the progress of creation is?''
asked the major. No. What is it?''
asked the judge. First there was the
Creator, then germs, next Germans. ~
Pittsburg Chronicle.
If Lots wife had never looked back
to Sodom and the other burning CITY,
Lot would never have been widower.
People never seem to think of it in this
way; they always trot out the pillar of
salt.-Figaro.
Kaiser William-.There is but one
man who can run this empire prop
erly.p Caprivi-" Sire, YOU fatter
me.n X. W.-"O. 1 don't mean you.
| mean the average American editor.n
-BoStOas Transcript.
Wickwire-'How much did your
vacation cost this year?r Yabslev-
Not cent. fell away so much that
/ shall save all my expenses by not
having to buy any new flannel shirtsn
-Ierre Haxte Express.
Tommy-..Pop what is meant by
mean time?'n Mr.. Ponsonby-.>Thatf
the sort of time man has when he
endeayors to prove to his wife that
summering two weeks in August means
bankruptcy. y."-Jes0eierS' CiFcaidr
Cottager-..I ordered two dozen
eggs yesterday, Mr.. Crackers. and
paid for them, and YOU only sent
twenty" Mr.. Crackers-..Wa-al. YOU
see. four of 'em was bad. an | knowed
you wouldn't keer for 'em. Puck
Now" said :he maternal oyster.
''you cuddie down and keep out of the
way when these dredgers 90 to work.
There's dreadful penalty awaiting
you if you don't" What is itPS
Solitary confinement in a stew
Washington Post.
Doctor Ito patient) II do not wish
to frighten you. but if you have no
objection I'd like to call in couple of
my brother physiciSns." Irascible
Patient-''All right! If you need any
assistance in numbering me call in
your aceompiices. - -Isxas Sifsings
City Dame Cooking for country
board)-''Do you object to children?H
Mrs Hayseed-..That depinds. mum. y
City Dame-"Depends on the sort of
children they are, / suppose?' Mrs.
Hayseed-..No'm. Depinds on the
sort of mothers they has. Good Nescs.
Il am glad to see you coming to
church again regularly. remarked DIR.
Choker. Yes. | had to. replied Me-
Watty; 1.-THE sinner who lives next