Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-05-05

There only a sound of weeping
From watchers around bed,
But rest to the weary spirit,
Peace to the quiet dead.
ADELAIDE Proctor.
Luck is a good thing to have, but it is
a poor thing to wait for.
The stove-pipe has no trouble in elbow
ing itself through a crowded house.
A washerwoman's work has just begun
when she is approaching the clothes.
This needs stamp, as the postmaster
said when a cockroach crawled out of the
mail bag.
When a girl elopes with her cOachman
some other man is saved from getting a
mighty poor wife.
''What do you think ofBronson as an
actor?" very strong particularly when
he portrays weakness"
Briggs-I didn't see you at church last
Sunday. Breggs-No; didn't get in till
you got to sleep.
A man goes for the doctor; and subse-
quently, if he doesn't settle promptly, the
doctor goes for him.
Out West the cyclone and the steam
boilers are rapidly solving the problem of
the elevation of the masses.
He wrote: Il luv you. You have
thrown a spell around me-" And she re-
piled, ''Why don't you use it?"
No fire escapes.-Bacon-''Is your no.
tel ire-proof?" Egbert-'sI reckon it is.
never found fire in my room yet"
gehawAre y2q earrying d m9rts ssrshg 9g
to say, I'm carrying it because L can't lift
it.
Dentist-Do you want to take laughing
out, boss-reckon l, III feel mo- like laugh
in den!
Yes" said the poet to the boy, as he
stepped into the elevator, Il am going
up. | want TO feel for once in my life
that I'm rising poet"
What is the difference between a man
paralyzed with fear and Ieopard's tail?
One is rooted to the spot, and the other
is spotted to the root.
JOhnston-Well, old boy, you lost your
suit. Jones Yes, the judge was too
much like necessity. Johnston-Like ne
cessity, how? Jones-He knew no law.
Mr.. Kid-How does that shoe feel?
Miss Bunker Hill really can not say,
but if it feels half as uncomfortable as
my foot feels L can sympathize with it.
Teacher-Anonymous means without a
name. Write a sentence showing you
understand how to use the word. Small
Girl (writes)-Our new baby is anony-
nous.
How do you like the music, Mr.. judi
kins? said Miss Parsons. 1 am sorry, but
1 have no ear for music, he answered.
No, put in Mr.. Jasper; he uses his for a
pen-rack.
Phelim (hunting) -Shure, fwhat are
yez follerin' dat rabbit fer? Yer gun amt
loaded, an yez haven't no ammynition.
Terrance-Sh! The rabbit don't know it.
A young woman began a song, ''Ten |
Thousand Leaves are falling She pitched |
it too high, screeched and stopped. ''Start |
her at five thousand, cried an auctioneer. |
Before the Venus of Milo-Smithers
(reading sign" Hands off, 1.-The poor |
idiots! Do they think any one could look
at that statue and not know the hands |
were OFF,"
A correspondent who has been reading
''Mpwapa." Take a mouthful of hot cof- |
fee, and try to say papa" without swal-
lowing it.
She-But how can you think I'm pref |
ty,when my nose turns up so dreadfully? |
He-Well, all 1 have to say Is that it |
shows mighty poor taste in backing away |
from such lovely mouth.
Mrs. Brown-Why is it, my dear, that |
you VIII never sit on this side of the room |
when a gentleman calls? COra-Because, |
ma, my foot makes a shadow on the wall, |
and it magnifies it so.
Singleton-What do you think about |
the thrift question? Do you think that
wool should be on the free list? Benedict |
Il uOu huOWf DuI WISH the LACKS might |
be removed from carpets.
Tommy (reading) Here's something |
about a new organ with hundred stops |
Do all organs have stops, papa? Papa
Yes, my son, with one exception-your
dear mothers organ of speech.
chow did Blowhard lose his eyer" HE !
had an encounter with an Indian, / be-
Heve." ''Why, l never knew he had been
further west than Buffalo," 'tHe hasn't.
He ran into a cigar sign when he was
coming from the club one night"
Mrs. BandbOx-You said the train /
should take leaves at 10 80, didn't you?
Ticket A2ent-Yes, madam, and l think
I've told you that about ten times already.
Eyes, know You have, but my little boy
say hr Ink, To hear you talk"
lis marriage faIiure?" asked d.
Trompy of a former flame who had be II
party tO a May and December marriage
mo" she replied, with "A glance toward
her husband in the next room Not a
failure. Only a TEMPORARY embarrass-
Flent."