West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1890-09-04

cato. Walkcr-Humpl / shouldn't won
der ~ he bought some OF thcm at dry
goods store.
"Phwat are these things yez have
napcd on the roof?" asked an Irishman
on Potomac River steamboat. "Those
are life prescrvers. IL anything happens
to the boat YOU could take one of those
md swim ashore" "Och, be hivins, its
mogeli'ud sooner dhrown than Jump intel
any such cowld wather rs that"
"You arc an authority on feats OF
strength, believe Z" remarked a stranger
TO tho sporting editor.
The latter bowed, and replied - &c
What can DO for your"
=" wish you TO tell me which Is tho
stronger the female Lhoplifter or the
woman who holds up n train?"
McCorkle-I hear that Danvcrs went
out to Oklahoma and died there.
McCrackle-liis penchant for athletics
was the death Of him. You know what
great jumper he was at college?
"Yesn
"Well, he jumped claim I'm Okla
homa, and died OF lead poisoning"
Miss GushinGton (romantically)-How
the stars twinkle tonight, Mr.. Play
house! Would you not like to be the
being who rules them? Would you not
love To have charge OF their movements
Mr.. Playhouse Ga manager)-Not
much! I've had the management OF q
good many stars, and they're hard things
to take caro- OF.
Mrs. Tufstnke-Mr. Squibbs, permit
mo to express my admiration OF your
gentlennnly conduct. You are the only
one OF nay boardcrs who docs not blow
on his food TO cool 1t.
MIR. Squibbs Thank you, Mrs. Tut
stake. My portion is always 80 small
that do not dare to indulge In any such
rash experiment.
She--I can't imagine what makes our
naughty parrot swear sol
He-Wasn't he brought up In bad
company?
She-No indcedl We got him from n
missionary, and he has lived I'm my own
pnrlor ever sincc-except for n few days
aftor the donation, when he was In
papa's study,
Harry-And, dearest, have I permits
sion TO speak about this TO your father
Dearest-Oh, pa hasn't much influence
In the family. You'd better AJAX ma. Be
sides, it's n matter that concerns her
moro than anybody else, you know Ma
declares she'll never leave me, and OF
course IT Is for her TO choose who shall
occupy our home with us.
Clara-What alls that poor fellow
across the street? Has he gone crazy?
Van Stroek-Poor fellow! Not much
That's old Moneybaggs. the richest man
In town. He thinks the grocer has given
him too much chnn:;c. On tho next cor
ner you will find Potts the grocer rolling
over himself in unauthorized 10Y. IIo
thinks he has given Aioneybaggs too little!
''What is the matter with that baby ?"
Rrowled an irascible husband as the little
one persisted in bowling and kicking to
the extent OF its little might.
THE matter is, SIR, " calmly replied
the wife. as she strobe up and down the
floor, 1.-the matter Is that this baby Inher-
its your temper.
And the husband returned to his paper
with glooniier look than before.
Cross-Exanining Counsel-Isn't your
husband a bur2lar2
Witness-Yes.
Cross Examining Counsel-And didn't
you know he was burglar when you
married him ?
Witness-Yes; but was getting n lit
tie old and i had to choose between q
burglar and a lawyer, so what else could
do but marry the burglar?
A Practical View.-Yes; we'll you've
described coughing and snoezing very
eloquently indeed. VIII you tell me
what kissing is?
He-Kissing is the anatomical iuxtn-
position OF two obIcuIarls oris mucles in
state OF Distraction mean contraction
She-Oh (pause). But 1t seems easier
than that.
The salesman In the music store had
succeeded at last, inter an hours hard
talking. In working off cheap, wheezy,
screeching fiddle on a customer ut four
times it's value.
3 where shall send Il ?" no inquired.
ITO No. 9l4 Slugg street, fiat A."
The salesman's jaw fell. He had NOV
ed with his family the day before TO No.
Sl4Slugg St., fiat ID, on a two years lease.
"NIistah JohnsIng, yu hear dat gal OBJ
mine sing at the chaich las night2"
II did. +"
" Bootiful song dat, de one she sung.
1t am called De Lost Chord. ,"
Iluhl das soG You want dar. 4"
No. was to hum, but she tole me
me she sung It."
Yesi che did, an some one got az
my wood pile while / was at de chaIch.
Guess l lost about a cord, too.
" Is that dog Of yours good for any,
thing7" he asked OF n saloon keeper on
Court street, as he motloned to a canine
chat lay behind the stove.
''Is hep You Just lny your hand ON INV
shoulder and utter - WHO'D"
The man did 80 and the dog sprane nm
end bit his owner In the leg aud graceful
a. retired.
How do you account for that?D asked
me inquirer, as tho laugh went round.
Hang II, i had forgotten that he yyae
cross-eyed :" was the reply. ought 10
have put my hand on your shoulder and
yelled. +"
Chauncey Depew saya In the Berk.
shire Hills there was funeral and as
they gathered In the little parlor there
came the typical New England female.
who minglcs curiosity with her sympatbv'
and, ne she glanced around the darkened
room, she said 10 the bereaved widow
Where did you get that now elght-day
clOck7"
We amt got no new eight-day clock"
was the reply
You afnt1 What's that in tho cor.
nor here9"
Why, no, that's not an elebt-dav
clock, that's the deceased We stood him
on end 70 make room for the mourners. y
A Western paper tells Of a young lady
OF Seattle who placed horseshoe In her
mouth BY mistake, thinking 70 was her
false teeth, and who wore 10 some time
before discovering her mistake Now
We believe this 20 be gross exaggcratlon.
md Ia moot %