Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-12-06

IL nave Deeu W ulSCOfeE bHO DlpeuS mOIS
completely cornered than were we.
Constant chums. we had spent our las
halfcrovn (Hibbitson pawned his umbrella
for the amount), in cheap dinner, and in 6
melancholy mood we were smoking divided
penny screw of tobacco as we discussed
ways and means.
''There is nothing left for me, as far as
can see," remarked, "but to enlist as sol.
dier. Thank goodness, fate is not so mex
orable but that I have a choice between a
barracks and the workhouse, and the
Queens thilling decides me in favor of the
former. Unless something turns up before
this time tomorrow, Hib, old boy, that
precious coin shall be mine, and we will
spend it in sorrowful glass, and take q
last embrace"
"I observe" returned H1bbitson, in tones
of mild reproach, chat you don't suggest
that shall be your redcoat comrade.'
He was not of the stuff soldiers are made
of. being narrow chested and too short fol
the service, not to mention his being afflicted
with q club foot.
"Why, dash it all, Hlb, you must know
that did not intend"
'Of course YOU didn't. But 1 tell you
what, Sid, if was a strapping, good look
ing chap, like yourself, and it came to
taking desperate-mind you, very des-
perate step-I should scorn to 60 soldering
at any rate"
"What, then, would you do?"
81 would get married"
/ laughed. ITO an heiress, of courseI"
"Of course, to a party with money, or
where would be the use? On, you may
laugh, but mean It," And he Duffed his
pipe as though he really did.
"What nonsense! You mean it! What
woman with money would marry a poor
devil like me? Why, 1 couldn't put the
banns up, unless they gave me tick for the
cost of them"
"No matter for that, returned Hibbltson,
with increased earnestness, and as though
his idea was expanding. There are scores
OF women with money who would marry
you, and jump at the chance, if you were not
too particular as regards beauty"
"My dear Hib, introduce me to the pig.
faced lady-by Jove! that's the last puff in
my pipe, and there is no more bacca-intro-
duce me, 1 say, to the pig-iaced lady, with a
future OF thousand year, and we will be
married by special license, and you shall be
my best man at the wedding"
Hibbitson made no reply, but pulled SC
energeticaliy at his pipe, that lost sight Of
his face in the cloud of smoke he raised.
Presently he emerged from it, jumping up
from his chair and laying hand on my
shoulder.
"Sid, can you talk seriously for few min-
utes? Are you really willing to marry?"
''Whar. to the pig"
mo, no, not so bad as that But what
would you say to a lady of means, who was
perfectly eligible, personally, except, save,
for bad squint.
$50 long as she was able to look favorably
on me 1 wouldn't much mind"
"Or, supposing she had a cork leg?"
"What, in addition to bad squintdo you
mean? Well, 1 should like to stipulate for
an extra hundred a year for that. But what
is your DRIFT, Hib? What's in the wind?"
'That's as may happen. Give me this
assurance, and We need not discuss the mat
ter any further just at present-you would
marry a young woman, who, TO put it
mildly, was not exactly a Venus, provided
she was of unblemished reputation and
kindly and possessed of plenty OF money" !"
my reply to that, Fred Hibbitson," said
1, grasping his hand, ''is, try me-"
1 saw no more of my friend for three days
in fact, it seemed as though he carefully
avoided me-and then he paid me an carly
morning visit, with letters In his hand, and
looking radiant
"Hurrahp' exclaimed Hibbitson, flourish
ing the papers as he burst into my room Che
would have found me up and dressed had he
come half an hour later "Hurrah, Sid.
1 have done the trick for you, by Jovel No
more tobaccoless pouches! No more snub-
bling by landladles, and notes left on the
candlestick. Your fortune is as good as
made By boy! 1 have done it for you; said
I would"
''But what has happened? What is it
you have been doing?"
"Doing? Why, moving that mighty en-
CINE OF progress-thelpress-i your behalf 1
have been advertising"
l had nearly forgotten all about our con-
versation relating to matrimony, when / was
last in his company.
advertising on my behalf, and obtained
a situation for me, eh? Bravo! What sort
of Job is it, Hib? But is it to 90 as por-
ter? 1t will have to be as a very light one
you know. My delicate constitution-'
''Not another word, you vagabondp' he
interrupted me, gleefully, at the same time
threatening me with bootjack, mot au-
other syllable at your peril until 1 have
read you one or two of the letters, brought to
me by the postman not half an hour SINCE
But, first of all, had best perhaps en-
tighten you as to the advertisement that
produced them. And he produced a small
scrap Of print and read from it:
"Matrimony-A gentleman, aged 27, 5
feet 10 in height, and broad in proportion,
we'll educated and good looking, and pos
sessing lively and agreeable disposition,
is desirous of marrying. His professional
pursuits are not as yet lucrative, but may
improve. His present object is to escape
those snares to which impecunious young
men are most liable, and he offers his hand
and heart to lady of irreproachable char
acter, of moderate means, and whose age
does not exceed 30. P. S.-A pretty face,
or physical perfection on the lady's part not
absolutely indispensable.
'That, sir" continued Hibbitson, sis the
advertisement-your advertisement, may
say. 1t appeared in the paper only yester-
day morning, and it has already elected
three replies; with one OF them 1 will not
trouble you. In that case the lady, who
owns to being widow and acknowledges
that she is rather more than 80 informs you
that she would be considered good looking
except for her nose, which sustained an in
jury through her falling down a flight of
stone steps when she was child, and in
of which she still is compelled
to have her head shaved, and is subject to
fits. So we will pass by the widow, my boy.
This one-hear it"
''In reply to the advertisement in the
Daily Telephone of this day, and initiated
IS. D. beg to say that if the said adver-
tisement Is strictly genuine, and s. D.
gentleman, he may find all thathe seeks bv
arranging an interview with the writer. Her
means are ample, her age under 25, and she
is afflicted with no physical deformity of
face or figure. She is well educated, and,
but for one blemish, thoroughly fitted to
a..I