Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1890-01-30
Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.l

shows not only wonderful command of
language and an artistic method of word
painting, but illustrates also the fact that
a justice Of the peace often possesses a
kind and gentle heart.
once knew a justice of the peace in
Chicago who was so tender hearted that
he had TO nerve himself up by calling to
his aid the demon rum. He had an
Office over a saloon and a dumb waiter
with a speaking tube to it. Before he
could assume the courage necessary to
pass judgment, or even tax the costs, he
had to tip the dumb waiter two or three
times in rapid succession. He died at
last, victim to his tender heart, and his
last words were: "Why do you permit
those large heliotrope caterpillars, with
green stomachs and cold wet feet, to roost
in my side whiskers?" He was a man of
deep research and pleasing manner,
and during his last illness only bit his
wife once when his overwrought think
works had slipped cog. While In his
right mind he was uniformly kind to his
family, and would not bite even the
meanest insect.
We were speaking after this Of the M
creasing death rate and incidentally of
the terrible boom in the undertaking
business, when quiet old gentleman
across the aisle said he was surprised to
notice that in some of the cities it was
reported that the undertakers could not
keep up with the work or fill the orders
made on them.
"There is no business on earth" he
said, 'that ought to he ready for an
emergency any easier than the under
taking business. used to be an under
taker myself, but reformed two years
ago and retired. am able to live with
out Il now. and / am willing to state
that the death rate must increase a good
deal faster than il has before undertaking
need be hustled or crowded very much
'In the first place, it would surprise
you TO know how cheaply they can make
n coffin. I've known bereaved relatives
to pay for a handsomely fitted up and
thoroughly lined coffin, and get pine
box with knot holes in il, lined mostly
with fluted confectioner's paper and COW
cred with cheap black cloth. had stock
in a coffin factory for three years, and
we could make one of these receptacles
about rs cheaply as you could peach
basket. A coffin that is covered, as the
most OF them are now, is a pretty cheap
affair before it gets its dress suit on.
We used lumber that couldn't be used
anywhere else, the knots we're so large
and liable to drop out. We, of course,
knew the sizes Of our customers, and so
aimed to so arrange it that il there was
q large knot hole we would work it on
a large person so that he couldn't sift
through on his way to the grave.
"There is a very good profit in this bust
ness indeed, and the deeper the grief of
the family the more you can sock it to
them on the price without being discov-
cred. Cremation was all that we were
ever afraid Of. That would have knocked
US all TO pieces, and some day it will do
il too. The present methods are too
tempting to the shrewd American I'M
dertaker.
eve got SS5 for little white casket
once. 1t was marked Our Pet
hated myself for charging that price, for
we cleared $40 on it, and i couldn't eat
my meals all day. took it up to the
house wishing could wear mask like
other burglars, who climb over n corpse
or two in order TO get few dollars.
There was white Grape on the door, and
all was hushed about the house. People
who passed walked on their toes, and
held their own children little tighter
by the hand till they got by, for fear
that Death himself might yet be lurking
behind tree box in the neighborhood.
"Well, went back after I'd delivered
the casket, and next day found that It
was for n little dog that had never been
deodorized during his life, and who had
not relented even i'm death.
''His mistress told me that he was a
very talented dog and knew as much as
she did herself. Her bursting heart was
still sore, and so did not contradict her"
had an odd experience when last In
New York, and / will tell it because 1t
may interest others who have passed
through n similar one. had been up to
Harlem for the evening, addressing q
large and spellbound audience of people,
most of whom hung on my lips for quite
a while. i had gone up town with
friends who paid my elevated fare and
babe me good night ut One Hundred and
Twenty-fifth street. was in full even
ing dress and the flush of social success
was on my brow. While waiting for a
South Ferry train took a morning
paper from my pocket and read that my
income was estimated at 81 900 per week.
was Just figuring out what this would
amount TO In case lived to be 90 years
co, "nen AZ occurred To me that The
~o"'a soon ee along. So I went