Sacramento daily record-union., 1890-09-07
CURRENT NEWSPAPER WIT.


broods great deal.
How to catch fish is a study. How to lie
about it becomes natural.
Why would it be impossible for horses
to vote on any measure Because all their
votes would be neighs.
One of the Explanatory Kind-"She is
a rich girl, but" "But what?' "She
'ohs? ?" too much for me-"
There are times when young man can
make himself most interesting by keeping
still.-New Orleans Picayune.
When they get young man at sum-
mer resort now they call him the conduc-
tor because he collects the fair.-Boston
Bulletin.
Bleeks-"Where did Soaker go for his
vacation ?" Kleeks-"Rye Beach or Bour-
bon Springs, l don't recollect which,
Minneapolis Journal.
A broken heart Is a sad, sad thing,
A broken head is worse,
But broken pocket-bOok. my friend,
Is mankind's greatest curse.
~ know why it's so hot in summer
said Willie. "Why?" Because the min
isters all go to Europe and the devil just
turns the heat on."-Nep York Herald.
Customer-"Give me ten cents worth of
paregoric, please" Druggist-"Y sir"
Customer sent-mindedly) )-"How much
is it," Druggist-"A quarter. Men York
Sun.
eyes, it would ruin me financially if the
whisky business should be wiped out"
"Are you engaged in the business, sir 2"
"No, no. Pm a temperance orator.
Figaro.
Mrs. Cumso-"Why did you discharge
all your white servants and employ negroes,
Mrs. Fangle? Mrs. Fangle-"My hus-
bands sister died last week and Pm in
mourning. g."-Munseys Weekly.
Aby-"How you tells ven you geds
bite, Pepper ?" Feldheimer-"Der line
goes down liddle" Aby-"How much ?"
Feldheimer (abstractedly )-"About one
unit helluf per cend."-Puck.
Although to the beach for while we may fit;
A gas bill we'n find on returning;
For the gas meter works when the gas isn't lit
Just as hard as it does when tits burning.
-NeW York Press.
Pompous individual to mother of several
laughing girls: Il should like to know,
madam, if those giggling girls of yours are
laughing at me" The mother, meekly-
"Really, sir, | don't know; they often
laugh at nothing"
When man has made up his mind to
run for office, the next thing to do is to
hold such opinions as are likely to be
popular with the prejudiced, virtuous and
the reckless hummer. 1t is a hard job
Nelr Orleans Picdulae.
81 was just struck by an idea," said
Willie Washington to Miss Belle Pepper
ton. "One of your own?" inquired that
young lady. Certainly Then," she re-
sponded in tone of relief, "it isn't likely
to leave you black and blue. - Washington
Post.
Health Officer-"Have you ever been in
oculated?' Mr.. Bromley (rather apollo
getically)-''Free times, boss; da's all"
Health Officer-"What for ~ Mr.. Brem-
ley-"Wonst for stealin' chick'ns, wonst
for 'sault batt'ry, and when | jined d
Masons"
81 have heard some admirable addresses
before the agricultural society,"" says Pres
ident Northen, 'but dozen colts on exhi-
bition at the State Fair is better lecture
than | have ever heard on stock, and
bale of fine hay is finer lecture on grass
growing.p-Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle.
Gather ye sweethearts while We may.
Old time is still afying:
And this same lad who loves to-day
Afar may soon be hying.
The glorious orb of night, the moon.
Will lend its aid unto you,
And now that autumn comes so soon
Coquetle not-let them WOO you.
IT'S better twenty rings to wear,
That mean each one wedding,
Than have the gray threads tiDge your hair
While maiden walks your threading.
-Manseys Weekly.
The Professors wife complained that on
a recent visit of curiosity to the new ceme-
terry he did not go with her. 'But you
must come with me some time, won't you,
dear ?" she said wheedingiy. q shall take
the greatest pleasure in doing so, love.
And what is more do not put it oil too
long, either"
The late Sir Watkins Williams Wynne,
talking to friend about the antiquity of
his family, which he carried up to Noah,
was told that he was mere mushroom.
"Ay,D said he, show so, pray ?' "Why,p
replied the other, "when ! was in Wales,
a pedigree Of a particular family was
shown to me. 1t flied up about five large
skins of parchment, and about the middle
of it was note in the margin-'About
this time the world was created
The DAYS no longer grow,
But shorter now instead
II won't be very long, you know.
Till summer time has fed.
And then the spooDing pairs who rove
About the grassy lea
WIN move in by the psrlor stove
And c .urt in the settee.
The hammock then win get a rest,
les mis- ion win be DER,
But Cupid still viii go in qrest
OF hearts the same as yore.
Fot those thai he may fail to get
By summer shore or grove
In winter he will lariat
Beside the parIor stove Chicago Post