Los Angeles herald., 1890-09-22
THE PREVARICATOR.
He Presides at a Meeting of
Truthful Men.
A Few Remarks on the Fossil
Species of J. P.'s.
A MOnOlOgue in Which COnundrums
Are Explained.
The Way Justise and Law Was Admins
tered By Man Who Thought That
Blackstone Was a Horse Thief.

A few of the reporters, as is custo-
mary, met last night to exchange rem
iniscences. The fact that the Grand
Unbiased Prevaricator was to preside
had brought around many more of the
boys than usual. Even the new report
ers, who know more in one day than the
gray-headed editors do in one year. were
on hand to listen to the G. U. P. 1t was
agreed that nobody should axe short
hand notes, because it was the unani-
nous opinion of the assembly of congen-
ial spirits that to a newspaper reporter
they are a source of everlasting grief, a
delusion and a snare. Neither the man
who takes them nor anybody else can
ever read them thoroughly. If joke is
told the notes come out all right until
the point where you all must laugh is
reached and then goodbye. You can't
laugh and you can't cry, but
if you smile somebody wants
to knock your blooming head
off. The conversation was general
for while. 1t then drifted into the
direction of Tobe Wilson, the exalted
and imperturbable king of the tramps,
who lately graced this city with hispre-
sence and bummed quarters from every
body, including the justices of the peace,
and most of the members of the police
department. always under the plea
that these operations were loans etfec-
tuated from friends and must not be re-
garded as begging transactions in which
coin is translated into the pocket of
hobo from the pocket book of "chump."
The great unbiased prevaricator had'to
call the meeting to order after two good
stories and informed the au-
I dience that few words on j. P's.
would be in order at this stage. He
would propose conundrum: Why was
Lockwood Savage? After everybody had
given it up, he announced that it
was because he was on trial and didn't
know yet what they would do with him.
Ii he went to Jail he would be Savage,
but if acquitted he would be Lockwood.
The G. U. p. deplored the fact that he
had only recently left a lunatic asylum
and had been unable to prepare pun on
Austin, but, said he, it is a long time till
election yet, and by that time, may be,
shall have something for you boys,
that will tickle you pleasantly, regard
less of politics. "Now, while am on
the subject of j. P's, 1 regret to say
that the old brand is getting deplorably
scarce. The Vedolia Cardinals is
in among them. When 1 was in
be intimate with regular J. P, who
horse shoe than he knew about the
Wade eMecum or Blackstone. Here was
my friend Charley, so energetic and ig-
norant that he couldn't have told case
of robbery from one of mayhem. He
fined goat once $5 for butting boy in
the seat of his pants, and collected the
money by selling the nanny to his SON
in-law At another time he compelled
me to kiss an old Indian squaw whom he
had just married to blind man, as he
said that he had no stomach for such q
thing himself, but that section 2557:o the
United States statutes related that it was
obligatory upon the magistrate, or one
who was deputized to that effect, to do a
small modicum of bussing. He offered
me his fee if ! would be kind, and l
was kind, but as i had not in
sisted on being paid in advance
the kiss still leaves kind of unsettled
debt on my cheek. One time Charley
and the mayor fell out and Charley
swore revenge. So did the mayor.
Fate fixed it so that the mayor disturbed
somebody's peace and was arrested.
Charley was as jubilant as he was i'm
pertinent to his honor when he had him
in court. While the case was on trial
the mayor took occasion to insinuate
that Charley was a id Dutch prevar-
icator. For this Charley promptly fined
the offender $25 for contempt of court.
Then he took off his coat and said:
"This court is adjourned for five min
utes, and if in dot dime ton't but pig
head ON you, you shall ever call me a
id pig Dutch liar" With that he
sailed in and rolled the city executive in
the adobe dust in short order. While
the mayor was still wiping the blood off
his nose the court fined him IS or five
days and offerd to match him double or
quits.
The G. U. P. offered one more story
before someone else could get the floor.
He wanted to extoll some more OF Char
ley's energy. "The day before l left"
said he, "a tramp was brought into my
noble friends court by the city mar
shall, charged with vagrancy. What
does he want?' said the Justice. L
yury drial, you son of one gun. Ach,
such cheek! Fifteen days is goot
enough for you. Mr.. Constable, dake
him right NIT dat shaingang und give
him schmall broom so he must pend
his pody. That will be a yury Or an in
yury, l know not, All, Ah." The Grand
Unbiased became suddenly conscious of
the presence in the room of another ref
ugee from the arid zone, who is we'll
known as the Great Unvarnished-side-
whiskered Liar, and after a few words
of whispered conversation, the two dis
appeared. The minutes OF the meeting
will be more completely reported next