The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-11-14
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

FASTENER lin far Western store)-
Got any neckties?" Proprietor (mysti-
| ed)-"Um-er-what sort-silk, calico
| or hemp?"-Good News.
We know what the girl who never
thinks talks about. Now we would like
to find out what the girl whonever talks
thinks about-Atchison Globe.
-Flora-"Who is that fat, awkward
woman who doesn't seem to know what
to do with her hands and feet?" Nora
80, that's Mrs. Hustler, the eminent
teacher of 'Delsarte. '"-America.
Il haven't had an outing for two
years." complained Mrs. Jaysmith.
That's too bad!' replied her husband,
alphabetically. "I'll look at the ad-
vertisements and see II there isn't
free excursion to a sale Of lots you can
go to to-day. "-Harper's Bazaar.
ured and recorded, but the rapidity with
which a woman can scatter bad news
over a neighborhood is still a matter Of
guesswork. Rams Horn.
Lady Guest-'I leave this house in
an hour" Clerk-"Is there any thing
wrong, madam" Lady Guest Wrong!
Well, should say so. Why, the next
room and mine are connected by door,
and you have actually stopped up the
keYhole. IN. Y. Sun.
"A Laudable e.-Wife-"Dear,
dear! What can YOU be dropping oil on
your best coat for?" Husband-"I
bought bottle of stuff to-day to take
out grease stains with, and wanted to
see if it was any good. "-Clothier and
Furnisher.
-''Isn't Jones Christian Scientist
a believer in the faith cure?" "He is"
us it true that he wouldn't have doc
tor for his wife the other day when she
was sick?" ut is quite true" well,
l saw doctor go into his house just
now" Oh! that's all right. He's sick
now himself. Cape Cod Item.
An cratic old gentleman in New
York recently went hence and left
large fortune to be expended in teach
ing people to eat with their forks. Had
he left one-half the sum to provide
something for them to practice on, his
memory as benefactor would have
lasted longer. --Ram's Horn.
Cousin Tom Ito Lizzie, who with
the rest of the family, has just returned
from the country)-"Aren't you glad to
get back to the city? 1 should think
you would be all Lonesome in that sleepy
town." Lizzie-''O, no. We got &C
quainted rapidly. and 1 had several
lovers, to boot" Cousin Toni should
think your father would have attended
to that. boston Herald.
-Travers-"Say, old man, great
scheme! Am going to London. You
order what clothes you want Same
height, same breadth. 1 buy them.
Bring 'em back Good fit. Cheap. Eh?
Dashaway-'Splendid. I'll make out
my order at once. When you get back,
I'll pay YOU" Travers-"You will, Ell?
Well, Id like to know how you expect
me to get over there?"-Clothier and
Furnisher.
Mr.. Mushroom-'T wish you would
send one O those invites to old Skee-
sicks and his wife" Mrs. Mushroom
What! Them vulgar Skeesicks? I
won't do it" Mr. Mushroom-'Of
course, they amt so blamed cultured;
but they can study up little" Mrs.
miah! You'll be wanting me to ask our
fathers and mothers here next"
-Dollie Smuggling quite close to his
watch chain)-"What have you in that
locket?" Chollie-"A postage stamp"
Dollie-''Goosie! What postage stamp"
Chollie-"The one on your last love-let-
ter. detached it carefully. 1t touched
your moist red lips. 1t often touches
mine" Dollie-"You dreadful fellow!
I'm so sorry" Chollie-"Sorry! Why!"
Dollie-"Because l moistened that
stamp by pressing it on Fido's dear,
lamp nose. v Pittsburgh Bulletin.