The Caucasian. (Clinton, N.C.) 188?-1913, 1890-04-10
SIMPSONS BILL ARP
He Inuocently Gets Into Trouble,
lis punished With n RhefOri-
cal FlOgging.--He Puts on
His warp int and
Fights Back With
the Same Weap-
nm.


other day to see how the boys
We're getting along finishing
planting the upland corn. They
were getting along all right. but
| noticed where the corn was
sprouting the crows had begun
to pull it up, so | think ! will
ge: me little strichnine AMI
soak tue con in il and feed
them crows to death. As came
along back ] met up with a
gentleman. ! said good morn
ing, what do you think o. the
weather bureau. He evidently
did not understand me, for he
did not wait one minute to ask
a question, but pulled up, got
mad and lit in Oh top OF my
Uranium, circled down my neck,
jerked the loOp-holeS out of my
suspenders, split my shirt, tore
my pants, busted off the heels
Of my shoes, took Inc up and
shook my tOenails off. At last he
held up on me for a minute and
| had time 20 get my breath and
collect III! senses. | again said
good morning sir. who are you,
We're you boon and raised where
you now live? You are away
from home. / think you are in
d sensible community, where
the people are allowed to speak
of the sun, moon and stars and
even the weather prophet, Mr..
Greedy, who everybody called
Old Probability. Again he did
not unders tand he, or had not
kept up with the times, 80 he
gouged my eyes, broke my nose,
filed my ears fnll Of sand,
mopped UP the earth with me,
and made ire a disgusting sight
for my folks to look at. He had
beat himself to death flogging
me. He met up with a friend
and he asked him, what is the
matter. You look like you have
been i'll fight, you are pretty
badly used up. Yes, but you
ought to see Simpsons Bill Arp.
[ have been itching for a fight
for some time, He has been
talking about politics pretty
freely for some time and he is
rather offensive and some folks
believe him. He asked about
the weather and | thought it
was good excuse, SO | would
say il was sacriiegious and it
would go light with me and
would not C, st me anything, and
it WAS a good time to kill him
out. What did you beat him
for? he is on your side. Well, [
get my name in the paper, a
good free fight and | come out a
victorious hero.
After he was gone [ BEGAN to
get mad, and when he was clean
gone and [ was out of further
danger, | got mad sure enough.
| right then determined to write
him a letter. | began to pick
myself up joint at a time. Some
thing had hit me; I did not know
what it was. would say light
ming, but | can't refer to the ell
ement5 to point a moral with,
for fear Of being call sacrileg-
ious. [ would say "breaker,"
bnt that eminated from the
same great source GOOD II Z e
him, therefore let HIM pass for
a man." But how shall [ COM
mence my letter to him? Well,
here it goes
MIR. "BREAKER-Sir:
L amt much on a fight, | had
d heap rather make you laugh,
but if we have got to fight, I
guess we had better become &C
qualnted. You say you do not
know me. l presume you are
intimately acquainted with
Queen Victoria, Prince Bismark,
Mr.. Gladstone. ex-Emperor Dom
Pedro and Ben Harrison. They
all use to be ass ociates of mine,
and | have played hobbyhorse
with Ben many day, but we
did not agree on politics and he
cut my acquaintance and | am
now associated with Mr.. Edison
in the discovery of destructables.
L have 149 gallons sdlphuric
acid, 81 of nitric acid and an
ineXhanstible amount of infu-
serial earth, which, in prop "
tional quantities, maker dynamite.
If you will allow me to substi-
tute some glycerine [ viii. call
you on time before you find out
the name for that Whoop, look
out, | am coming. Hurricane
is my daddy and cyclone is nv
nanny, and l was raised in a
thunder storm. | drink SCUM
through gun-barrels and [ car
~ a hundred aud ninety-nine
ca1iber cannon in my vest peck
ct as a body guard. When ]
walk ont the birds of the all
rise up and fly, mems eyes turn
green, the wild beasts of the
plains go on a stampede, and
when | speak you can hear the
/ Gar OF Russ a sneeze( his throne
crack and totter, and he raises
his crown and tells me he is
going 20 turn loose all the pris-
oners in Siberia and never in