Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-06-16
Many man who is a good shot in this
rrnrld hnnnS to miss fire in the next

world hopes to miss fire in the next.
She-I wonder what makes it rain3 He
Il suppose the pours of the sky are
opened.
The ancients excelled US in many
things. Now, there was Job, boiler
that never exploded.
A tea-kettle can sing when it is merely
filed with water. But, man, proud man,
is no tea-kettle.
If our neighbor would run his business
as we know how he ought to run it, how
soon he would become rich.
Did you see that car-horse shy when 1
signalled to the driver? Yes. You said
Hay p and it scared the horse.
''Talk is cheap"-which is probably the
reason they have been unable to finish
the Panama canal with it.
Before getting into the ''swim'' a man
should be reasonably sure that he can keep
his head above water.
Among the curiosities in a collection in
Europe is a lot of old boots and shoes
''once worn by crowned heads"
A codicil: 1 bequeath to my faithful
valet, Phillip, 1000 empty wine bottles,
the contents of which he enjoyed during
my lifetime.
Orderly Sergeant Ito recruit Why,
you keep your mouth as wide open as if
you were Columbus the first time he saw
New York.
Old Lady My dear, do you really
think you are tit to become minister's
wife? Girl-Yes, indeed. 1 don't mind
being talked about
A young man pointed to a rich and
handsome lady, and said to his friend ;
"Hasn't she a comely figure?" ''Yes, an
incomely figure, was the reply.
Man MilIiner-The bonnet, miss, makes
you look twenty years Younger. Lady
Customer-How funny! 1 must appear
in it like girl of ten years.
Mrs. Grump-How hard it is to talk to
any one when you really have nothing to
say Mr.. Grump-Yep. But how much
harder it is to keep still.
"You love my daughter?" passion
ately." "Well, knowing you as do, L
feel that the best way you can prove your
love for her is by giving her up"
A Canton woman who went crazy i'm
agined that she had two heads. What
make her mad was the fact that she
couldn't wear more than one bonnet at a
time.
"Ah," he said, as the postman handed
him letter, ian epistle Z" mo" said his
wife, as she opened the envelope and a
bill fiuttered to the floor. "Not an epis-
tie. A collect
MOther-Tommy, amt you ashamed to
strike your little sister? You ought to
know better. Tommy-Yes, ma, 1 do;
but we were playing school, and I'm the
teacher. It's all right.
A youth at Biddeford, Me-, had an ex-
cellent excuse for hardness. The missive
he bore to the teacher from his mother
read: fPlease excuse Alfred for being
late. He had shad for dinner
Young Wife-Horrorsl See here, sir;
your dog has run off with a whole sponge
cake 1 left outside to cool. Tramp
Don't worry, mum; that dogs tougher
than he looks. He kin eat anything.
Wife-Why, husband, I thought you
had more sense than to buy a cornet.
You know the fellow next door worries
US nearly to death with his. Husband
Calm yourself, my dear, that's the one I
bought.
Mamma" said Bessie, as she watched
her baby brother squirming in the bath
tub, "Willie is like a piece of flannel"
"What makes you think SOP" asked her
mother. 'Oh, because he shrinks when
he's washed"
Mamma, mamma" sobbed a little
three-year-Old girl, running into the house
much offended: 81 wish you'd whip the
old hen. She won't let me see the chick
les. She dest lifted up her d'ess, and
they all run right under
Mrs. Figg-Did you ever notice how
Deacon Pottsby always begins his prayer
with "Father, Thou knowest better than
we?" Mr.. Figg (who goes to church
merely 10 please his wife)-Yes, he thinks
he is hattering the Lord by admitting
that he knows more than himself
A little two-year-old boy went to the
grocery store with his mother While
there the proprietor gave the little fell
low an apple. What do you say to the
gentleman when he gives you an apple?
asked the grateful mother. The little
fellow hesitated momeut, then reached
the apple up to the giVer, said. Peel it.