Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1890-06-19
TRIALS ADAM ESCAPED.

No doubt it was very severe llllc.
ton to old Grandfather Adam to be
turned out Of paradise, though there
is two sides to every question, and per,
haps he was not wholly wretchad ovel
it. We are not going to argue the point
at present.
What we want to get at is the fact
that, though Adam lived so long ago.
when the world was young, he escaped
a great many troubles and trials which
beset the modern man.
He never had to wrestle with a set OF
false teeth which did not fit, and which
felt, IN spite Of the smiling den
tlst's assurance, "that they looked per-
fectly natural, Sir" More and more
like bureau in his mouth every day.
He did not have any pretty girl neigh
Dor, younger and more blooming than
Mrs. Eve, who made him wish, when
ever he looked at her, that he had wait.
ed little longer before settling for life.
Nobody asked him to subscribe for IL
cyclopadia. ~.
Nobody. asked him to give hundred
dollars to the minister.
No friend wanted his name on little
bill, Just for thirty days, as mere form
you know.
Nobody wanted to insure his life or
sell him sewing machine, or a new
kind of soap, or patent ohurn, or a
liver pad, or a new tangled apple parcr
or a prize package Of stationery.
Nobody wanted to put lightning rods
on his house. Chrome poddlers had
not yet begun their travels. Organ
grinders did not pursue HIM with their
hats held out. Bills for French mlllln.
cry and 'sundries' never clouded his
brow.
He had never hankered after a 22O
horse. lie had no ambition to mount
bicycle. He never had to fight pota.
to bugs. We may safely conclude that
he did not take pills, or bitters or re
storatives warranted to cure all diseas-
es under the sun in one month, or mon
ey refunded.
He was never mashed to jelly in a
crowded horse car, never blown up in a
steamboat where life preservcrs We're
put away SO safely that nobody could
find them. lie was never pruned of
one of his arms and legs and scalded
to death besides, in a railway collision,
where nobody was to blame, and the
company was not censured.
lie never had to ask anybody what
this celebration at Yorktown was for.
AS he was born grown up, we may
conclude that he never had to contend
with tecthing, or nursing bottles soured
or the mumrs, or the measles, or the
whooping cough, or the rash, and, as
he had no mother, Of course he was new.
erproperly spanked, which may account
for the misstep8 he made in his career.
His heart was never torn by the
pangs Of jealousy. He never had to
stand by and keep cool, while Miss Eve
walked off with the other fellow, for
the simple reason that the other was
not there to walk off with. lie had
been born just then.
Adam, in all probability, meyer wore
a stiff stand up collar, or pair Of pants
IN which he dared not sit down. He
never ate olcomargarine, under the fond
dcluslon that it was butter.
He never attended any lectures on
health, to learn that all food was poi
son, and that nothing was wholesome
for man to eat. He did not know
what the modern man knows, that to
be healthy he must starve, freeze and
take cold water baths and gymnastics
and dandclion tea daily.
lie never got divorced. He meyer
committed q murder when he was in
sane.
He never robbed bank.
He never ran away with another
man wife.
He was brave old fellow, and took
great care Of his farm, and he lived to
be $50 years old, and died without
knowing the multitude Of troubles he
had escaped by having been in exist
ence at such an early stage Of the
worlds history.