The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1890-02-28

His Daily Life Was Not Reset by the Things
That Drive the Modern Man Wild.


That Drive the Modern Man wild.
No doubt it was a severe affection to
old Grandfather Adam to be turned
out of Paradise, though there are two
sides to every question, and perhaps
he was not wholly wretchea over il.
We are not going to argue the point
at present.
What we want to get at is the fact
that, though Adam lived SO long ago,
when the world was young, he es-
capped great many troubles and trials
which beset the modern man.
He had never to wrestle with q set
of false teeth which did not fit, and
would not fit, and which felt, in spite
of the smiling dentists assurance ''that
they looked perfectly natural, sir"
more and more like bureau in his
mouth every day.
He did not have any pretty girl
neighbor, younger and more blooming
than Mrs. Eve, who made him wish,
whenever he looked at her, that he
had waited little longer before set
Ting for life.
Nobody asked him to subscribe for
cyclopedia.
Nobody asked him to give a hundred
dollars to the minister.
No friend wanted his name on lit
tie bill, just for thirty days, as mere
form, you know.
Nobody wanted to insure his life or
sell him sewing machine, or new
kind OF SOAP or patent churn, or a
liver pad, or o new tangled apple
parer, or prize package of stationery.
Nobody wanted to put lightning
rods Oh his house. Chrome peddlers
had not then begun their travels. Or
gan grinders did not pursue him with
their hats held out Bills for French
millinery and 'sundries" never cloud
ed his brow.
He had never hankered after a 2:20
horse. He had no ambition to mount
bicycle. He never had to fight po-
tato bugs. We may safely conclude
that he did not take pills, or bitters, or
restoratiyes warranted to cure all dis
eases under the sun in one month, or
money refunded.
He was never mashed to jelly ina
crowded horse car; never blown up in
steamboat where the life preservers
were put away so safely that nobody
could find them. He was never
pruned of most of his arms and legs,
and scalded to death besides, in o rail
way collision, where nobody was to
blame, and the company was not cen
sured.
He never had to ask anybody what
this celebration at Yorktown was for"
AS he was born grown up, we may
conclude that he never had to contend
with teething, or nursing bottles
soured, or the mumps, or the measles,
or the whooping cough, or the rash,
and, as he had no mother, of course
he was never properly spanked, which
may account for the missteps he made
in his career.
His heart was never torn by the
pangs of jealousy. He never had TO
stand by and keep cool, while Miss Eve
walked off with the ''other fellow"
for the simple reason that the other
fellow was not there to walk off with.
He had not been born just then.
Adam, in all probability, never wore
q stiff stand up collar, or pair of
pants in which he dared not sit down.
He never ate oleomargarine, under
the fond delusion that it was butter.
He never attended any lectures on
health, to learn that all food was poi
son, and that nothing was wholesome
for man to eat. He did not know
what the modern man knows, that to
be healthy we must starve, freeze
and eschew all things called happi-
ness, and take cold-water baths and
gymnastics and dandelion tea daily.
He never got divorced. He never
committed murder when he was in
sane. He never robbed a bank. He
never ran away with another mans
wife. He was u brave old fellow, and
took great care of his farm, and he
lived to be $50 years old, and died
without knowing the multitude of
troubles he had escaped by having
been in existence at such an early
stage of the worlds history .-Somer-
Vile Journal.