The daily critic., 1890-06-27
IT is HOT
AHUM0R0US ESSAY ON THE WEATHER
BY COL. PAT DOMAIN.
America is sizzling THESE Days, So
That a Cave IN Kamschatka
ts Desirable

IN the shade in 81. Louis and Ptttsburg,
and still higher in Little Rock, Nash
VILE and Chattanooga. Street car mules
and horses falling as if dead 10 their
tracks Even Chicago, the boasted
great interior summer resort Of the new
world, fricasseeing her boodlers and
anarchists, wheat corner gamblers and
] oIk lords in their own greese and viii
lainy Niniy degrees Of red-hotne
az midnight in many places. Swelter.
ing and sweat all over the country.
The heat, the heat the terrific. roasting.
sinner sickeniBg heat
The pavemeuts are all kissing hot, the Sky
above Is brazen,
And everv head as good as dead the sun
can set his rays on:
The lean, lauk looking skeletons, 20 stalk
ing pale and gloomy;
Tie fat, Ike red-hot fryingpans, send hot
ter fauCies through me
! wake from dreams Of polar ice, on which
I've been q slider,
Like fshes dreaming Of the sea and waking
In tIfe spider"
Wh.e e.ew whew, Fucker your
mouth by three weeks diet Of alum
or green persimmons, and whistle that.
Whe.e ew whewl Blue blazes Of the
great Sahara; Nebuchadnezzar's fiery
skillet; Shadrach, Meshach and Abed
nego; flaming birthstone showers Of
SOdom and Gomorrah; Vesuvius, Etna,
SrombOli and Popocatapeti bubbling
witch Cadrons and eXasperated bald.
hornets nests. smoking, sizzling.
scorhing home of the great patron
saint Of most of American statesmen
and staiesmanship-ho hot Il Isl Uu.
less the people speedily begin TO send
better men to municipal, State aud ma.
tional legislatures, Il will soon be dog.
days all the year in this country Hot
So hot that my blood bois Within me
TIL my hat dances on my head like an
infuriated tea-kettle lid. | can hear
my soul sloshing around like a tea
cupiul OF scalding grease every time
move.
Oh. for a chunk Of the worlds cold
charities TO slip into my seething bosom
before my pizzard Is totally cooked.
oh. for the bleak winds Of adversely TO
fan my blistering brow. And oh, for
chance 10 dip my tongue Of parChed
and cracking leather into the dark,
chill waters OF the dreaded Jordan.
Oh, for the frost Of years and the SHOWS
of old age. Oh, for the touch Of an icy
hand, or the freezing glance Of a
naughty damsel's eye. On for a
flower garden Of polar bears and ,un.
less grove Of Alaska icebergs Oh for
a cave Ia Kamschatka, t6J ncre
homestead Of Spilzbergcn frigidiy. an
icicle rcmmed grotto in the basement
story Of the aurora borealis. Oh, Tor a
blue nose and pair Of frost bitten
heels. oh, for anything cool and cool
ing, from a mint iulep or teeth.
IaulinU tcItian ague to cup of cold
poison or a section Of Jupue c
frozen hell
Hot Talk Of Indian widows con.
sumed on their husbands funeral piles,
instead Of drawing their ten thousand.
dollar life Insurance policies and marry.
ing other fellows In Six months, as they
do In more enlightened lands. Talk OF
hapless heather babes devoured by Mo.
loch's horrid flames, instead Of being
reared TO sport scanty side whiskers,
eye glasses, bob.tailed coats and Grape.
banded plug hats, paniers, patent In
flatable punjun rubber bustles, dyed
hemp Chignons, GTeclan bend heels and
Gaiusborough hats, as In Christian
realms. Talk of missionaries, tender
and tCothsome, barbecued by the dusky
descendants Of tie Queen Of Sheba on
the banks Of the gently rolling Zambesi
or the spOrlive Niger Talk OF Nero
illuminating Bone with Standard. oil
Company kerosene soaked, Eplscopali.
ans. Talk Of pagan hecatOmbs and
holocausts. But. psh SD -sh sheWl They
all dWtndle into the little end Of moth.
ing, whitfield down and polished of
with pulyerized rotten. stone Here, IN
free AmeTica-free for all but Ameri.
cans-in the last quarter of the nine
teenth century, amid all the blaze Of
gospel light and liberty, and the glare
Of anarchistic bombs, go 600 600 Of
men, women, children, politicians,
dudes ard other dime.museum freaks
are being slowly but surely roast.
ed, boiled, sieWed, fried, fricas.
seed and dished up in an the other
styles of sinner cookery known to
culinary orthodoxy. From Maine, the
home of The Tattooed Man" To
California, aud from Michigan 70 Mex.
leo, the whole continent Is one vast
sizzling, red hot bake oven. with sky
Of glowing brass for a lid, and every
brick and cObble-stOne a cleaning coal.
Simmer! sizz n n roll Pitch bubble
ub.e-uble. Whizz- hiss. ss-ssl Hist Hear
u. A whole mighty Nation, with a big,
big n Cn spite Of Grand Army cranks,
be CuTbon iTrecOnciliables and Imported
inherently, cooking, cook, cook, cook
ing at once.
Hot. PuTgatoTy would not be much
change OF climate, even without Bob
lnGeTsolfs little blasphemOus squirt;
gun. Every thermometer from Cape
Cod 70 Corpus Christi has kicked the
top out, and boiled over like the Arkau
saw doctors patient who took twelve
white and twelve blue seidlitz powders
separately. Fat Old ladies are daily
dipped up In ladies on all our CITY
thOroughfaTes, and born away In tubs
10 adjacent ice cream saloons 10 be re-
modelled and frozen over Boots are
often found In the streets, filled with
rancid grease, aud a broad brimmed
bat resting on the straps the owner
having just thaBed away, melted down,
till nothing more was left Of him. All
The wax figures in our museum cham
bCIs-of horrors have run together. So
that George Washington Is stuck on
Nina Van Zandt and Napoleon Bona
paTte, Wellington and Adeliua Patti
mingle IN an omelet Of many col0red
beesWaX. Bright eyes sparkle Ike flash
ing hOTsesbOes on a village blacksmith S
anvil Heaping Goals of IRE on your
enemy head is the easiest command 10
all Scripture 10 obey All the popcorn
patches Ia Illinois have popped instead
Of spToudug, aud the hills are fun of
red-white and blue popcorn-balls. ready
for the next circus season. Fishermen
In an the lakes about OcOnOmOW0c. al
Chautauqua ana Creye CUur. are catch
ing boiled trout and pickerel With chilli