The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-06-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

Best-place for boil-In the tea ket
tie Boston bulletin.
Tine .'old soldiers home-Tbe Gus
pidore. e.-Ei0ston Bulletin.
Irish nationality wouldn't stand
founded on a shamrock. Ptfsburg
Chronicle.
DO you think I'll get justice?n 20.
no. You're all right. They'll aequit
you. ~ y. Sun.
A farmer who doesn't know how TO
run newspaper has been discovered
in Nebraska. Philadelphia Inquirer.
We live SO fast nowadays that It
keeps the recording angel busy putting
down breaks. ."-B Br0okiga MdgdEtne.
'I.et us learn French Goslin. What
do ton sav?n "Cawn't do il. Dolley;
'tisn't English, you know."-Harper's
Ba<ar.
There Is hardly any man so friendless
In this world that he hasn't at least one
friend ready TO tell him his FAULTS
Teras SJtings.
Teaeher-..N Now, children. by what is
the earth diyided?r Tommy (wlose
father is kicker) by the politi-
clans. "-Epoch.
Clouds are good deal like men
they are harmless when alone, but they
make trouble when they get together.
-Aorristoien Times.
An exchange exclaims: "In these
days of roguery man must have lost
his wits 20 indOrse note.m At any
rate he is apt to lose his balance
Philadelphia Press.
Minister flo choir leader)-'1 see
you have dispensed with Mr.. Deeptones ;
services" Choir Leader-''Yes. sir; l
thought change of bass desirable. -
PittsbHrg Chrviaeie.
Minnie-..So he kissed you. did he?''
Mamie-.'Once. Minnie-'.Y uu don't
saw Well. the smartest man on earth
j. liable to make fool OF himself once. :"
-Terre HaHte Express.
Quills (meeting an old classmate)-
'-Nell. old fellow. how goes it2 Lots
of patients. / suppose?' Sgniils (rue-
fully Yves; lots of p;ltience!' =
Laurence dmsricaH.
is there any question more Disagree
able 10 you than. Where did ron get
that hatg' ..Nell. ! should hate like
thunder to be asked where I got this
umbrella. - Ifiiiasieipi,ia Inquirer.
wickwire - You say you are ac-
quainteI with Brown? Yabsley-He
Is particular friend of mine Wick
wire-lf he is friend Of yours he sure
~ cant he SO very particular.-Ierre
HaHte Express.
Visitor Ia Editor -Conld you use an
entirely original poem on The Marco
tie Weed'gr Editor could. of
course. hut as long as matches are so
cheap don't see the use.''-Lippifs-
colts MrgaEfne.
Kansas Farmer = Got any = any
molasses iugs?r Siorekeeper (briskiy)
Yes. sir-new kind Just out: tin top
to the neck hold about four fingers;
rubber cork. SO the smell won't get
out D. Weekly.
Bluster Yes. ahemi Nv cores
pondence Is. allemi remarkably large
/ receive. aheml on an average 500
letters day" Coolley-..Wh in
thunder don't you pay up. then?'-
Laurence -IBisrieaH.
Clerk of Bookstore TO Proprietor
Whats the price of this book Pro-
prietor-..That Bible? Forty cents. =
Clerk-.It Is not Bible: il i an in
fidel work Proprietor-.-O. | see.
Four dollars - Washington Iost.
Quevedo-"There is man who
doesn't care any more for his life than
small hoy does for his clothes. "
Curtis - disappointed in love?''
Love? Boshi No; he's writer of
funny paragraphs. Philadelphia In
yHirer.
Ted hear Mrs. Bellair is married
again. Isn't il rather soon after her
first husbands death?' Ned-'Yes.
but there were extenuating eircum-
stances. Her second husband was the
undertaken who buried her first
Epoch.
Undertaken Ito new assisianD Go
down town and get bier. Tell them
to charge ii to me. New Assistant (to
himselD = Jcwhillikensl That's the
kind of man like to work for. III
make it two, for luck.--MiHHedPot
journal.
Miss Plympton - After all. Mr..
Broughtou. what Is the advantage oi
having ancestors in the seventeenth
century?1 Mr.. Brougiiton -"0.a great
deal. They can't hang around and maj
your social aspirations today -n-Hdr-
Per's Bazaar.
Little Elith-.sM Mamma. did you say
that we should all know each other il
Heaven?" Mamma-..Yes. my child. =
Little Edith-.'You can play that YOU re
out. though, can't you. mamma. when
people call that you don want To seePn
N. y. Ledger.
Mr.. Fangle Qookiug over the house
he has just moved .into)-"I wonder
who lived here last?" Mrs. Fangle-
al don't know; but the lady was s
Christian. How can You tell?" .'Sht
left no rubbish in the ellar.m-Lippilt
COTS Magazine.
Benedict (after a conjugal tin)-"It'.
too bad "A man can't have a wife made
to order" Mrs. B.-s.WelI, think you
ought to be satisfied. that's all | seem
TO be good for, to you" Benz (dense.
ly) .'What?1 Mrs. BIO order. ~
Philadelphia Press
What bes utiful tribute was thai
paid to departed citizen of a Western
town! The editor OF local paper
wrote that ! was an honest man
he was truthful man; he was one o.
the best trout fishermen in this section. ,
-hedrney Enterprise.
Suitor-..I do not see why you refust
to allow me to pay attention to your
daughter. | have plenty of wealth, and
besides. / am just in the prime OF life ;
Parent-''In your prime. Ell? Well
then. YOU are all ready to be fired. ss
git. hearney Enterprise.
lis Mr.. Smith very religious man?'
al guess you'd think SO. never saw
a more devoted man in all my life. Ii.
attends all the pari fairs. takes shares
in all the raffles. and when it comes K
Copenhagen he is the very life of tn,
church. .r-BoSton TRANSCRIPT.