Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1890-08-26
SHQRIX.


an you'se got it so mad it doan know whar it's
hittin'."
| SHORTY.
| I'M DUNoAN's familiars called him "Shorty,"
and he deserved the nickname on two ac-
counts: He was short of stature and was also
short OF cash-in general way. His people
| were "well-to-do," and kept him decently
dressed. and as he was jolly good fellow, with
| fair education and a keen wit, he had many
friends, as well as numerous hearty enemies.
The humor in his wit amused those who were
not its butts it angered those who were.
Jim could never be Kept at work in the lines,
which those who were interested in him, pro-
vided. He was brought up in a large village
| of one of the Middle states, and at various
times attempts were made to make of him
drygoods merchant, hotel Keeper or lawyer, by
the usual processes clerking in store, taking
the night watch behind tavern counter,
reading elementary law books in a lawyers
musty den, etc. But all failed; Jim neglected
his duties for the more genial pursuits of fish
ing, rabbit hunting, swimming and ball play
ing. But he displayed great fondness and apt
| itude for mechanism, so far as it could be
learned in horseshoer's shop and he fire.
quently assisted a friendly blacksmith by
striking" for HIM with big sledge hammer,
when the blacksmiths regular helper was abb
| sent or otherwise engaged.
Jim always held. however, that his dislike to
the small details OF small business arose from
the fact that he was calculated to 'bore with
| a big auger." At any rate, he wore thread
bare the patience of all who attempted to make
| merchant hotel keeper or lawyer of him,
and eventually became proverbial as ne'er-
| do-well
Jim grew up in the village with girl who
was very fond of him, as he was of her. She
| was the youngest daughter of the richest man
| in the place; man who had sold drygoods at
retail in that village, boy and man, for so years.
and beside his drygoods store and numerous
holding in the village bank, he owned an ex-
cellent farm nearby, and was President of the
village bank. OF course he was violently op-
posed to Jlm's attentions to his pretty daughter
Sue. and the young lady's old maid sisters and
| prim mamma were in chronic state of agita-
| tion, superinduced by the same cause. Jim
took Sue behind him on his saddle horse one
evening. and they rode away unknown 20 all
others in the village. and were married by a
Squire in neighboring village, who had per-
formed this excellent Office for so many other
| fugitive couples that his village had become
famous, in four adjoining States, as sort of
Gretna Green.
When Jim and Sue returned to their home
| and Jim complacently told wnat they had DONE
CONSERVATION prevailed extensively in both
families, while outsiders chuckled and meta.
phorically patted "the high contracting
parties" on the back. Sues father was irrecon-
cilable in the premises. and the polar GOODNESS
with which Sue was received by Jim's people
fortunately aroused Jim's indignation. He de-
cided to go West and do something, if it was
nothing more than to grow up with the coun-
try. He negotiated a small loan and Jim and
Sue were shortly in carbonate camp.
1t is not necessary to this history to tell how
Jim quickly developed his ability to 'bore
with big auger.". Fortune favored him in
obtaining the opportunity, and in an incredibly
short space of time he was an important factor
in great silver mining syndicate. The news
of his success reached his native village, first
as rumor, finally as settled fact and pro-
portionately as the information took solid
shape, letters from the two families. which be-
gan to go to Jim and Sue upon the first in
formation concerning his success, grew in
warmth as the information increased in relia-
blity. The rich old Observation-Disclosures
became excessively atfectionate and yearned,
for Jim and Sue to return and receive the best
and freshest blessings in the home market.
Jim was very busy, but he took time to write
very expressive, though brief and not al
together elegant, letter 1t read:
Respected parents, on both sides, and all others
whom 1t may concerns:
Ihaye neither time nor inclinati on for epfsto-
larry elaboration. Got the earth in a sling ours,
SHoRtY.
COULDN'T STAND IEMPTAIloNI
lie was clad in faded linen duster several
sizes too large for his shaky ANATOMY
His hat was full of ventilators through which
stray bits OF curly hair covering a shapely but
aching head, protruded. His eyes were red as
the sun off the upper portion OF his feet. but
allowed mother earth to come in contact with
their soles HIS nose was of a brickllike hue
and was scaly, rough and slightly deformed.
On his left arm he bore a splint basket which
some market woman had discarded 1t was
full of bottles-beer bottles sarsaparilla bottles
whisky bottles bitters bottles. job lot gathered
at random. When he entered the city editors
den that worthy looked up in astonisliment. He
gazed upon the wreck. A week or SO previous he
had assigned this man to cover an important
event in which society was interested. The
centered around hotel which &sheltered
splendid par. When the man took the assign
ment he was clsA like gentleman. and set out
feeling like lord. He had never been heard
from from that day until this broken shadow
of his former self cast queer reflection upon