davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
A sar,lou,c S,,,,,o


Its an easy thing to laugh when there is
something to laugh at. But when nothing
funny has happened, laughing to order is a
very different matter. The other day a
certain German gentleman urged an
amateur to photograph his two children
when they were laughing. On a certain
afternoon the amateur came with his
camera but on hunting up the children
it was discovered that, while the
little girl was quite willing to smile. the
boy was in very bad humor. In fact, the
boy had just been punished by his father,
and when he was asked to laugh never felt
less humorous in his life. But the camera
was there and the father was set upon hav-
iEg the performance proceed. He repeat
eddy urged the boy, whose mouth did not
get beyond q slight twitching at the cor.
ncrs. Then. becoming exasperated. the
father shook his finger and exclaimed:
"fou laugh now, or vip You again." And
under this awful persuasion the boy made
heroic effort.-[St. Nicholas.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
THE END OF CAPTAIN BRAND. "
sprats whitebait, sardlnes.

Cornhill Magazine: Nothing is more
common than to hear it asserted that sprats
are only immature herring. This is a COM
plctc mistake. Believe it not. Sprats are
very distinct species OF the herring genus.
and they never grow much bigger than
when they. appear, brooches. ut table. The
largest adult sprat measures only six inches,
much US fifteen. Moreover, herring have
teeth on the palate. always wanting i'll
sprats by which means the species may he
readily distinguished ut all ages. When in
doubt, Therefore, do not play trumps, but
examine the palate. On the other hand.
whitehall. long supposed to be a distinct
spccies has now been proved by DR..
to consist chiefly OF the fry or young
of herring To complete our dis
comiiture the same eminent authority has
also shown that the pilchard and the sar-
dine, which We thought SO unlike, are one
and the same fish, called by different
names. according us he is caught off the
Cornish coast or in Breton. Portuguese. or
Mediterranean waters. Such aliases are by
no means uncommon among his class.
To say the plain truth, fish are the most
variable and ill-dctined of animals; they
differ SO much in different habituts. so
many hybrids occur between them, and
varieties merge so readily by impcrccptiblc
stages into one another that only an expert
can decide in doubtful cases, and every en-
pert carefully rcverscs the last mans opin-
ion. Let us at least be thank III that white
that science has not a single whisper to
breathe against their connection with
lemon, and that whether they are really
the young Of Gnpn harcngus or not, the
supply ut Billingsgate shows no symptom
OF falling short oil the demand.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
How He Finds His Plots.

A well known novelist OF this CITY
vas recently telling how lie finds
his plots. 81 have found nearly all
, of them in real life by intercourse
with people in all sorts of society.
There are no plots to be drawn from
the Imagination that are equal in
interest to those that can be learned
by knowing the actual experiences
OF many of our men and women.
Here in Nav York you can hear of
plenty of lovelorn tlumsels and
bold swains; you can find heroes
and lleroines a-pIentv; YOU can hear
OF marvellous adventures: YOU can
find people whose career has been ro-
mantle; you can hear of intrigues
and their denouement: you can meet
characters who would shine on the
printed page, you can easily find in
the actual experiences of Your ac-
quaintances nll the material needed
for tragical tales orllumorous ynras.
Why, the best plot ever wrote up
was not OF my own invention, bnt
was in the story of her own life giver
me by my cook."-New York Sun.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
poubtIng a Strong Man.

a. e,
IN the day preceding the arrival
Of a circus at q certain pood.sized
town IN Ohio n "stronr man % who
o :" e " .oe mon" nv
'lad q weeks Iay.oH from ttle muse
um circuit, dropped down on q visit
TO some ofhis relativea There WAC
-. .,:...,.. ,.,.- a,.
w s.,. u.ssa :, VI mn uL' as a . VI
. s;;aemsSa' ,. ;no 'le Mooo'cuC "n!cn
p '.a.. .. a;, .nsow.ne q ouil
ose. sAau 'ui.ee "as noU IAuc!,
VI .'.... ~ a. eAasse.a.,,on. As soohas IL
s Mas u.scovereu Shat ne had no par
Sac ,,,, =, sirup'es asaInse 1ne moving
""' I S,S no:s ~ a.. 1uI " nsss q ne1le
.,... ..a ..Ha ~ We .o.el'oon o' circus,
u.sy ,,. ~. uneseo CIRCUS nun wa,tea
on ."s Ereat western glanu ana IN
UNI, s.1A.eeu S,'n ., lle WIS u itnuu rom way
use ,, a%n , ..,a. ..s maryeions !eats
M; ., usS'e ~ meIe ...1ns ..nu ae.us'ons;
m,s N.Y. .ie ellecC we hoped ior' ana
'oSr UT nseglasses ol1eer olu the rest.
no9n !, aI.er noon tne strong man
s .1a l"wn 10 tne circus grounas 10
,,l, aa IN aPolosy; Inc omcials
l,au oegnn ous!ng tickets anu the n;i
eus PeIp.e we're eoo pussy 10 tn'k. Inc
way .ney ignored nus presence made
cle strong man maaaer than ever,
9 rl ne starteu lor Sne entrance.
ine .women statloned there tried TO
PlevenG has ingeess, ont ne threw one
ln.o u 'a , = wagon anu !he other
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Ancient Rocks,

All the magnificent buildings OF
Paris IRE made of limestone take1.
from quarries near the city, says ST.
Nicholas. These quarries are COM
posed oflayers made entirely from
the tiny shells OF microscopic ANNA r
No less than one hunlredand thirty
seven nNcies exist in these limestone
beds. s1here were other Little being.
not 80 small, that did an enormou
share OF rock building. They hnY.
received the name ..nummulities."
from the Latin word "mummus,"
meaning money, becau 70 their shells
resemble coins. In Germany they
are commonly called the devil;
money" They are so perfectly to.,:..
Cd that one cannot help thinking. CD
first looking at them, that they have
been stamped with n die. In some
places mountains Of great height are
made OF their shells. In Egypt the
Inyers are OF such extent that yin,p
centuries before Christ the rock has
been used Tor building puf poses.
The ancient pyrnInids ami the
sphinx are made of the rock.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
From Crave to Gray.

New York Sun: In the rear room
of one of the most celebrated burial
shops Of this city, located ON Eighth
avenue, there has met for years one
OF the jolliest social organizations in
this city. 1t is known rs the Mid
night club, and is composed of preach
ers, undertakers, men about town,
embalmers and men of business, with
q newspaper man for president.
There are caskets and cotfins of
every size in the huge cases that line
thewalls, and usually several corpses
are awaiting shipment or burial.
but the surroundings lave no sitting
effects upon the spirit OF the midnight
gathering. and if anything they add
zest to the Jokes that bubble up to
the surface in the intervals of more
solid conversation.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
A Willy cobbler.

A cobbler at Forfar, Scotland, who
was an old offender, W 8 sentenced
to a fine or imprisonment. To I've
imprisoned he had to be carried to
hejail at Perth. As lie had business
at Perth he expressed no unwilling
ness to go. When arrived and about
to be locked up he offered to pay the
fine, which the governor was Obliged
to take. Then he demanded his fnre
back to Forfar, which the governor,
after hesitating and looking ut the
law, found that he was Obliged to
pay. The fire alone amounted to
five cents more than the fine impos-
ed.-Ram's Horn.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Economizing Time.

"a Pennsylvania editor," says the
Chicago News, "was recently married
on an express train. lie picked up
the bride at one station and IL clergy
man at another. and saved valuable
time by having the cerlnony per-
formed while the train was makin"
fifty miles an hour over the Allegha-
ny mountains. This was probably
hustling down east for a new font of
type and was resolved to kill two
birds with one stone. lfhis example
should prove contagious it will soon
be in order for railroad companies
to carry clergymcn on all though
trips o! express trains.''
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

REMARKABLE case of faithfulness
in duty occurred in Hanover. A
switchman, who was about to attend
to the switches for an approaching
train, saw his little daughter running
to him with her clothes on fire. He
did not leave his post, but set his
switch first and then ran to her u.s.
sistance. The child died of her
wounds, but the train passed safely.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Reminded of Johnny's Watch

Reminded of Johnny's Watch.
Mr.. Hankinson waiting for Miss
1rene)-"That's Il pretty little watch
you carry, Johnny."
Johnny Temporarily entertaining
Mr.. Hankinson)-"Yes, Irene says
she always thinks of you when she
sees it,"
(Highly pleased)-"Did she say
that, Johnny"
yep. That's what she said"
Observation-Disclosures good, relia-
BILE kind OF watch, isn't it. Johnny"'
"Nope. 1t doesn't CO."
lMr. Hankinson puts Johnny down.
and thinks and thinks.)
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

''Msrrfy. msrrily. shali I live now" the
little gin said, ..for In not to b. kept In b..
rnuse Of that horrid neuralgia. Nymamma
has bought q bottle 81 Salvation OH from
the druggiet and II coat only % cents . bot
tleh ~ " ~ EkTfl 9'r}NR..,s'.
= New jersey has q Baptist minister who
claims to have bsptissd moro people than
any other man In his church. The eonnu.
nifty in which he resides has besn srisvsd
with his pastoral duties. A physician rs.
commended Dr.. Bulls Cough Syrup, and
consequently there will be baptism In his
church next Sunday, -. %,
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
A Good Voice.

One afternoon Ethel attended matinee
where there was much fine music. On the
way home she heard her mother remark
to another lady that one of the singers, u
noted tenor, sang unusually well; YES
said the lady, The went up to high c with.
out making any fuss about it."
Ethel often heard music talked about at
home, SO that she knew that "high c.
meant one of the upper notes OH the
musical scale, within the compass OF the
human voice, but so high that some singers
could not reach it. Therefore she asked no
questions.
"A few weeks afterward Ethel went into
the country for visit. On the morning
after her arrival at the farm she got into the
chicken yard, where she caused ihucll COM
motion among the fowls. The hens cacklcd
and the roosters scrceciicd, while she chased
them hitller and thithcr TO her hearts con-
tent, thinking it fine fun.
"Oh, I've had lovely time playing tag
with the chickcns!" she told her mother al.
terward, and she added: II most know
that, gray rooster went up TO high 9. but he
made q dreadful fuss about it."-[Youth's
colnpanion,
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
A Four.Year.old Hamlet,

Harold's whole family IRE addicted to
much quoting from various authors, and
tho little iour.year.old has absorbed many
OF these extracts into his active little brain.
mi.chievous his grandma exclaimed in dc.
SPAR:
There! Inever did see such . boy!"
Whereupon the little Hamlet piped up
briskly:
"'vell, take him for all in all. grandma,
you meier shall look npon his like againr'
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Gaining Reputation With Ease,


A South Carolina physician, ask
ed why he located at Monclova. said:
cit is first rate place for n doctor.
Ii man is sick all you have to do is
to tell his friends mo natter whether
the affair is serious or not go to the
priest and have him confessed and
prepared for death. If he dies they
will say: What q good doctor he is.
He knew he must die, and SO had his
spiritual interests attended to. If
he RECEIVERS they will say: "What n
capable physician he must be. The
man was in the last extremity and
prepared for death, and lie cured
him. So in either event it is a first
rate place in which to achieve u med
ical reputation.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Left pestItutel

Not of worldly goods. but Of Ill earthly
malaria. The fell scourge u. however; shorn
Of it's thong in advance BY Hoststtsr's stom.
acli Bitters, it's only sure preventive and
remedy. Dyspepsia, bilioususss, consttpa-
tion, rheumatism, nervousness and kidney
complaints are also among the bodily afllic.
tionswhich this benefcent medicine overcomes
with certainty. Use it systematically.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
In Washington Street Cars

1t is very odd to see the white men
in a car eagerly sean the face of a
lady who enters, and who is unable
to find a seat. Ii she is at all dark
the chances are 81 seat will not be
readily forthcoming. The men are
staring at her, and as soon as they
have concluded she has no African
blood in her veins there will he more
seats than she has need OF. But if
the verdict happens to be the other
way she will not get IL seat through
the courtesy OF her fellow passen-
TprS
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
svRupoE FIos.

Produced from the laxative and nutritious
juice of California figs, conf ined with the
medicinal virtues of plants known to b most
beneficial to the human system, acts gently,
OIL the kidneys, liver and bowels. effectually
cleansing the system, dispelling colds and
headaches, and curing hnbitual constipation.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Queer Thir.ss About Teeth.


From the st. Louis Republic.
Teeth have been worshiped, in fact
are venerated as relies in some rclig-
ious sllrines. Buddha's tooth is pre-
served i'll temple in India. the Gin
gaelse worship the tooth of n mon
key, while an elephants tooth and
sharks tooth serve a. similar pur-
pose among the Malabar Islanders
and the Tonga Islanders respective
ly. The Slnmese were formerly the
possessors OF the tooth OF IL sacred
monkey which they valued very
highly. In IL war with the portu.
guese they lost the sacred grinder,
along with much gold and precious
stones. They cared nothing COM
paratively for the real valuables,
but made every effort, it is said, to
recover the tooth, offering as high as
100000 crowns for it's safe return.
The Portuguese were not slow to see
the bargain and let the worthless rel
lie go; it is now kept in n small gold
box, incloscd in six other boxes, in
one OF the many sacred temples of
the Sinmcse capital.
There is tradition that the lu-
man iaw was formerly provided with
forty-twO teeth. and that thenumber
was reduced to thirty-two when Cho-
socs, the Persian King, stole the
piece OF true cross cnshrined ut Con-
stantnople.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

A BosroN importer who took too
much stock in the statements of the
newspapers that hereadspent neat
sum in cable tolls in order to get u
large consignment of needles over
before the Mckinley bill wentin ef-
feet, and then discovered that they
had been placed on the free list.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
Catarrh in the Head

Originates in scrofulous taintin the blood. Hence
the proper method by which to cure catarrh, is
to purify the blood. Its many tlisagreeable symp-
toms. and the danger Of developing into bron-
chitis or that terribly atal disease, consumption
are entirely removed by Hoods sarsaparllla,
which cures catarrh By purifying tho blood: it
also tones up the system and greatly improves
the general health. Try the peculiar medicine"
For % years have been troubled with catarrh
in tho head. indigestion, and general debility.
never had faith Id such medicines. but concluded
to try n bottle OF Hoods Sarsaparilln 1t did
me 80 much good that continued its use till
have taken five bottles. My health has greatly
improved. and feel like different woman"
Mrs j. Is ADAMS 4 Richmond ST Sewnrt 7
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
A WONDERFUL PAPER,

When you were rcnding the large Prospec
tus OF TmE iouTn's CoMPASloS. published
last wccl; in our columns. did Won stop Ia
consider what wealth OF talent was en-
gagged i'll producing this remarkable paper.
Its success is phenomenal, and it IL rea j in
100000 families because it is the best Of its
kind. Now il the time to send your sub
scription. $l.75 sent mt once will secure yon
the rest Of this yenr Tree including ali the
Holiday Numbers. The YouTn's CoMpAS.
ION, Boston.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Venezuela asks the good Offices and usdl.
alton of the United States In settling its
boundary dispute with Great Britain.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

The first session of the fifth annual conven.
ton oil the Christian workers in the United
States and Canada has opened In Boston
with q large attendance.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Do your clothes last as they used to? /,
not. you must be using q soap or washing
powder that rots them. Try the good old.
iasioned Dobbins' Electric Soap, perfectly pure
to-day as in 1865.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Elaborate preparatins are being made in
Italy 10 celebrate the attainment of his ma.
inrity by the Prince Naples. heir to tile
throne which uccurs OH the ] 1th inst.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Mr.. Gladstone having been rendered n
nomination for the office of lord rector of the
University OF Aberdeen. has felt compelled to
decline the honor owing to advancing age
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

FilemaEsr, ut the American Horse show in
Chicago, beat the worlds record for high
jumping. He cleared tho hurdle at feet,
! J! inches. -,
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14
WHAT CURES?
editorial Difference of Opinion on
an Important Subject.

editorial Difference of Opinion on
an Important Subject.
What is the force that Gusts dis
.ase; and which is the most conven.
ent apparatus for applyingit? How
ar is the regular physician useful to
asbecause We believe in him, and how
ar are his pills and powders and
tonics only the materinl representa-
lives of his personal influence OH our
health'
The regular doctors cure; the
homeopathic doctors cure; the
Hailnemnnnites cure; and so do
the faith cures and mind cures,
and the so-called Christian scien-
lists, and the four-dollar-and.a-half
advertising itinerants. and the
patent medicine men. They all hit,
and they all miss, and the great diff
ercnce-one great ditlerence-in the
result is that when the regular
doctors lose u patient no one grum-
bles. and when the irregular doctors
lose one the community stands on
end and Observation-Disclosures Union
and Advertiser.
Nature cures, but nature can be
aided, hindcrcd or defeated in the
curative porcess. And the CONNER.
calls contention is that it is the part
of rational beings to seek and trust
the advice OF men of good character
who have studied the human sys-
TEN and learned, as lar as modern
science lights the way, how far they
can bestavoid obstructing hcr.-Bul-
falo Commercial.
1t is not our purpose to consider
the evils that result from employing
the inscriptions. the ignorant,
charlatans and guacks to pre-
scribe for the mnlndics that aiilict
the human family. We simply de-
clare that the physician who knows
something is better than the physi-
rinn who knows nothing, or very lit
tie indeed about tho structure and
the conditions of the human system.
OF course "hc does not know it ALL"
Rochester Morning Herald.
] have used Warmers Safe Cure and
but for its timely use would have
been, verify believe, in my grave
from what the doctors termed
Bright's Diseasr.-D. +. Shriner, sen.
ior Editors ioto Gazette, Chillicothe,
Ohio, in nlettcr'dated June 30, 1890.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

The st. Paul council grants ThomaslLow.
ry four months extension of time wherein
to complete work on the electric lines.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

For a strengthening medicine take
Aliens Iron Tonic Bitters. All genuine bear
tho signature ofJ. L. Allen, Druggist, st.
Paul, MINI.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

NfEt - n y = ! 3 : = :. n =
The Russian g6vsfhmsnt has sxilsd TO 81.
heria Fathers Dnochoyski and Jondrsswski
for spreading the Catholic faith. ~ M
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

a hctlstead owned and used by Oliver
Cromwell Tor many years, has been sold in
London for $50.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Dir. FRANK POWELL, white Benver) will
open an office in st. Paul. next Jan. Dis.
seases OF women exclusively.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

Since the outbreak OF cholera in Japan,
I here have been $4,000 cases and $4,000
deaths. The epidemic has almost subsidized.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1890-11-14

At the he0d
IF all blood-puriticrs is DIR. Pierce's
Golden Medical Discovery. But it's
different from all of them. What
ever is claimed for this, it's guarun,
teed to do. The money is refunded
in every case where it fails to benc-
fit or cure. It's because it is differ.
cnt that it can be sold SO. All
diseases originating from a torpid
liver or impure blood yield to it.
1t cleanscs and purifics the system.
freeing it from all manner of blood
poisons, no matter from what caus,
they have arisen. For Dyspepsia
Biliousness, Scrofula, Salt rheum.
letter, Erysipelas, or any blood
faint or disorder, it is an unequaled
remedy. Nothing else can take it.
place.
"Goldcn Medical Discovery
contains no alcohol to inebriatc,
and no. syrup or sugar to derange
digestion.
It's concentrated vegetable ex-
tract; put up in large bottles ::
pleasant to the taste, and equally
good for adults or children works
equally we'll all the year round.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1890-05-06
PERSONAL.

Mr. Percy Young. OF Albany, Or. is
visiting Mr.. NJ. d. Ballard. corner OF Third
and Lenora streets. for few days. Be-
fore returning home Mr.. Young win visit
Victoria, b. c.
Mr.. Lew Norton, of the Sawyer Tanning
Company. of Napa, CAL. was in the city
yesterday on his way home from trip in
the East.
w. H. Bishop. of Cheney, formerly aud
itor Of Spokane county and subsequently
auditor of Stevens county, is in the city.
Mr.. George G. Mills. head clerk in the
land Office. went TO Olympia Sunday and
will return today.
Miss Kittie Reese. Of Chautauqua. is
visiting Mr.. ana Mrs. w. H. Taft, near
Lake Union.
Mr.. L. w. Getchell returned to this city
yesterday from short visit to Anacortcs.
Mrs. w. L. Hodgkins. OF San Francisco,
Is visiting her sister. Mrs. L. u. Wood.
State Senator Whalley. of Whitman, was
in the city yesterday.