The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1890-10-03
WIT AND HUMOR.

The girl who has the strongest will
is the girl who says the strongest won't.
-SomerviLLe Journal.
1t takes more than a well-starched
fhirt-front to make a polished gentle
man.-hearaey Enterprise.
We sometimes hear of the spirit Of
hope. but hope is no spirit; it's only an
glaanaton Leader.
On the question of the Introduction
of the European influenza into this
country the eyes and nose will have it.
LooOeU Courier.
Billings-'I understand you are an
agnostic, Thompkins." Thompkins
9politician) )-'.OnIy before the grand
jury, my boy."-7erre Haute Egpress.
He is a poor excuse of a man who
cannot convince his wife that he is a
genius, before marriage. Afterwards
but we'll let that pass.-PhaladeLphta
Press.
1t is said that smen are the archi-
tects of their own fortunes" This ex-
plains why so many of them fail, for
but few get beyond the nave.-PhiIa-
-deLphiG Press.
Mrs. H-"Maggie, where do you
falsehoods as this?" Maggie-"Sure.
ma'am, l don't care; I have frinds in
ayther place"
"Look here" said the farmer to the
tramp. ''Let me jst give you pinter
-" 'But don't want a pinter,"
replied the tourist. Il Iwant quarter"
-IerTe Raute Erpress.
Women and Wine are often classed
together by the poets, but we have
never yet heard of a poet who claimed
that both of them improved with age.
-Bmrliaagtosa Free Press.
'.Alone with God and her lead PEN
cil' is the only opportunity woman
mas to sharpen it without being told
she doesn't know how and never will.
Hutchinson Ras. } Nesos.
There is great difference in poker
players. There's the man who can
play poker and there's the man who
thinks he can. The latter is the one
who has to write check.-The Epoch.
A good many people publicly thank
the Lord for their prosperity who would
be mad if somebody should suggest
that they were not mainly responsible
for it themselves -S0n1erUilIe Journal.
Perhaps the advice of certain dear
old lady applies to etiquette as we'll as
TO other affairs of life. Speak the
truth always" she was wont to say,
''but speak it gently. y."-Koasth's Conn
oanion.
"What makes the tea so weak, Mrs.
McKerrel?" asked Funnywit, the wag
of our clearinghouse. sIts been
listening to your jokes about the hash,
I reckon" replied Mrs. McKerrel.-
Burdette.
Kind Lady Ito drunken wayfarer)-
'Dear sir, the Good Book tells us not
to look upon the wine when it is red"
Drunkard Don't see how 1 can;
blind (hic) drunk now."- ."-Kearney En-
te7prise.
Poet..Have you read my latest
effusion?" Candid Friend-'.No, I
have not. We are friends, and don't
want to do anything that is likely to
lower my opinion of you. .''-Biaoghans-
ton Herald.
Griggs-''Do you mean to tell me
there is no money in literature? Look
at Dawson; he's worth his Millions"
Penman-"Dawson? What did he ever
write?" Griggs-'Nothing; he's pub
lisher."- ."-Bostoa Post.
Florence Cooking at some bonnets in
the milliner's window - 80, Jen'!
aren't they lovely!" Jennie Cooking
across the streeD-''Yes, indeed! Es-
pecially the one with the side whiskers." +"
-La21rence AYne7Icn7a
Adorer (after rebuke by the old
1ady)--..1 didn't kiss you: [ only pre-
tended was going to. Why did you
call to your mother?" Sweet Girl (re-
pentantly)-"I-I didn't know she was
in the house. IN. 7. Weekly.
n woman writer SAYS: "Women
want comfort And yet, offer a
woman the choice between a ton OF
coal and pair of French heel shoes
and which do you suppose she will
takeP-1eras Sytings.
Trovers Gin hat store)-''I wish you
would charge me for this hat. Clerk
"But we don't know you, sir" Trovers
That's all the more reason, then, why
you should be willing to charge it,
Clotltie7' and Fu79aisber.
''Heilo, Blggs, where yer going 81
early with that big market basket?'
''On a post-prandial excursion, old
man." ''On whatp" .Post-prandial
excursion; going after dinner, you
know" ."-BoStons Transcript.
Judge Blank is quite book col
lector, you know" ''Well, what of it?'
HE foand tattered copy of a rare
book the other day and the first thing
he did was to have it bound over t.
keep the pieces. IN Y. Herald.
II see." said Mrs. Henpeck, ''that th'
new Brazilian Government has estab
lished civil marriages" .Well, I wisl
you'd go down there and learn some
thing about them. I'm getting mighty
tired of this uncivil affair of ours. IN
Y San. --.-- ..-....