The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-12-02

the chair, thereby filing on the seat, as
you might say. Uoon a given signal
from the chair, and the words "Gentle-
men will be seated" you will sock your
legs under the table, and while getting
acquainted with your neighbor you may
unfold your napkin, put a few Brazil nu 8
in your pocket and ask the guests of the
evening if that Is his first visit to "our
little town."
Should the finger bowl be placed at
your side at the beginning of the meal
along with the wine glasses, you may
easily distinguish it from the wine glasses
by its height. 1t is not so tall, and is
more thick set, or thickly set, if you
please. 1t is also liable to contain a sprig
of geranium, which is not to be eaten I'M
der any circumstances. You will now
bite off a corner of your roll, and while
ostensibly reading the menu you can run
over your piece in your mind or comb
your whiskers with your pocket comb.
If a dish is brought to you which you
have not been brought up on, and you
are mystlfed about 1t, do not say to the
waiter, 81 don't want that; it's too rich
for my blood" but let it remain by your
side, and possibly some n else will ask
what it is, S 10 that you cannot only find
out, but also quietly take home the re-
ceipt to your wife.
It is considered vulgar to eat every
thing within reach, and then try to dig
the ornamental designs off the plate with
your spoon in a mad effort t. get the rest
of the food, or wipe up your dish with a
roll like an engine wiper, on a neglected
locomotive. You should eat all the time
as if you did not choose any, or had no
{ ccasion. as we say at our house when we
have company, and throughout the meal
preserve an air of enLui and appear as
rlase as possible. Do not begin to eat
like a harvest horse while the blessing is
being rendered, but sit quietly and do not
fdget with the cake or crack your
knuckles and mnrmur at the delay.
Do not seek to obtain the last drop of
gravy on your plate by Impending it into
your spoon or mouth, and if you wear a
heavy mustache it might be well Occa-
sionally to run your fork through it IN
search of custard or other game which
may have secreted itself there The
bright bon mots of a man with custard in
his mustsche fall upon the mind like a
pail.
In eating raw oysters do not seek to
hurry matters by means of q violent in
halatiOn at the moment of taking the N
from the FORK; and if you should drop one
on the floor do not gather it up with your
hand and slip it down OIL your plate with
an oath, or put it on the head of a bald
clergyman whom you know but slightly.
Tell the waiter in a low tone Of voice
that if he will get it from the floor he may
have it for his own. Then you may go
On with your OWL persihage or whatever
may be or your plate at the time.
After the entire me1u has been care
fully disposed of the chairman will take
another NIP, and arising to his full height,
thereby scattering the crumbs that were
in his lap over those who sit near him, he
will proceed 10 pound on the table vita
the handle of a knife, and refer feelingly
to the guest of the evening. Cheers will
greet his remarks, and confusion will
cover the CUES. If you are ever a guest
you y i'll know what sorrow is. To sit
up at II o'cl ok at night facing an ex-
pectant multitude of dear, devoted friends,
and listen to encon NUNS a foot high ad-
dressed to you and cheered 70 the echo,
and know all the time that you are a very
much over estimated man, Ostensible,
will turn to aloes an wOrmwOO ! the nice
buckwheat cakes and maple syrup of the
best banquet that ever graced the groan-
ing board of a monarch.
1 earnestly hope, Mr.. Peterson, that
you may never be placed in that position.
TO be compelled to stand up and sadly
say: "Boys, 1 am much obliged to you,
but I've taken advantage of you. I've
got your banquet, and / nave received it
1 ,,nHor folCo nroFancoC cannot rof17Pn II
to you, and l am not permitted by the
rules of the game to pay for it. I give
myself up. I cannot make a speech.
What little glory / ever won was won in
another way, and so | ca not do it" To
say all this anC see n countenance af ,er
another fall is tough, Mr.. Peterson, ex-
tremely to Ugh.
The ! comes the professional entertainer,
and gets the general good feeling a-going
once more. Every man to his avo alton,
OStensible, is a great rule. Neither Mr..
Edison nor l car make a good after dinner
speech. The great noticeable difference
between US, however, is that Mr.. Edison
knows enough to say so and stick to it.
To be a diner out, a bon motter or a rae
coontoor is a gift. It canno be acquired
any more than parents can be acquired
late in life.
You will think you can make an afte'-
dinner speech possibly. You may think
so all your life and still be in error But
when you get where you know even as
yuu are known, and the scales of egotism
are removed from our eyes, and the fog
and cobweb and dust and swallows nests
OF a lifetime swept out Of your int llectual
hay NOW, you will be made to SEE that
where you erred was in carrying out the
idea taat you could make after-dinner
speeches when in reality you were de
signed to watch a snow shed on the rail-
road or keep your eye peeled for Charlie
Ross.
Blessed is the man who makes his mis-
takes early in life, regrets them and puts
v~aseline on the sore places, But woe to
the man who perpetuates and cullivates
his errors, who stands off and admires
them and points to them with pride; the