St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1890-12-28
Experiences OF a Would-Be
Carver at a Select Xmas
Dinner.
He Was Determined to Keep
Cool and Swish at the
Bird.
But the Thermometer Rises
and a Pair Of Trousers
Are Spoiled.
The Unsuccessful Search Made
After the So-Called Dark
Meat.

A turkey is not hard to carve-that is,
If you know how.
How easy it is to go through life
thinking that you know how when
really you do not. Theoretically. what
didn't know about carving was-well,
was hardly worth knowing. Practi-
cally, this knowledge extended no
further than rare tenderloin steak or
well done cold tongue-that is, until
few evenings ago, at which time the
wide difference between practice and
theory was demonstrated in a very
thorough manner. 1t was on st. An
thony hill, and had been invited to an
informal dinner. On the day in ques-
ton the host that was to be in some
manner severely cut one of his fingers,
and thereby hangs taie-a blOodless
one, however.
AT o'clock the party of twelve, half
of whom were ladies, assembled at the
table. The accident to the host neces-
STATED the appointment of substitute
to do the carving, and, as fate decreed,
the honor came to me-a case of having
greatness thrust upon one with venge-
ance. Ere had been seated at the
table minute began to realize the dis
comforts and the possibilities of the
situation. and the practice-theory ideas
came forcibly to mind. 1t was neceS-
sary to
Keep Cool.
however. and, as the first courses re-
Quired only some slight dexterity with
soup-ladle and fsh-spoon, began to
gain confidence and join into the con-
versation freely. Never whistle until
you are out of the woods-I never will
again. A great big Thanksgiving and
Christmas combined turkey came to
view. and was placed before me. I'm
dOubtedly it was the largest and most
intricate turkey l ever saw. and my
temperature went up at once to $50 in
the shade.
Al was determined to keep cool. The
conversation was general by this time,
and / saw my chance to dissect that
bird without attracting attention. | be-
gan whacking away at the turkey in a
calm knOw-it-ail way. 1t wasn't on
skates, but pretty soon it commenced to
skate around on the platter at lively
rate, and my outward serenity began to
vanish and persDlration appear at every
pore. 1t now seemed necessary to stand
up to it, and pushed back my chair.
menced to happen. Interest began to
center upon me at the head of the table,
and not on the conversation, which
gradually Gained down and then flick
cred out into cold, sickening silence.
To make matters worse there was "a
we'll, adjectives fail me heTc-but there
was little pet terrier in the room, and
soon after ] had commenced giving an
imitation of man who knows how to
carve turkey, he
Started TO Frisk
about my feet and to tug atmy trousers;
something he kept up throughout the
performance, to my discomfort.
AFTER ages of silence, broken only
by the clash of carvers and the dull
swish of the turkey as it skated up and
down to elude me. l got enough meat
to go around. and resumed my seat with
an inaudible sigh of relief. But it was
only for moment, for one LAYOUT of
pure cussedness, suppose; it could be
nothing else-called attention to the
scarcity. in fact, the total absence, of
dark meat, and then, of course, every
one wanted some of the dark l got
up again. l cut this way and then the
other way. turned the bird over half a
dozen times, and once on the table.
With knowledge acquired of numer-
Gus experiences with roast turkey
when some other fellow did the carving
i was certain there should be dark
meat somewhere, but i'll spite of all my
efforts and searching no dark meat came
to light. There was no restraint to
mirth now, and the room fairly rang
with laughter as | sank back crushed,
limp. and defeated, into my chair after
announcing firmly that there happened
to he no dark meat on this particular
turkey-an extraordinary fact, but the
truth of which l could vouch. regis
tered resolve, however, as
Sat Down,
that the intricacies of a roast turkey
would be more familiar to me in twenty
four hours, and that | would never rest
until l could turn off from wing up.
Until black coffee came l was the object
of remarks which seemed to strike the
others as being funny.
''Mv trials were not over. We had
been in the drawing room but a moment
when the only Englishman present
added the last straw: 'Ah. dear fellow.
aw, goodness gwacious, what ever can
be the matter with your twousersP
There was something the matter with
my 'twousers.' looked down and dis
covered. to my horror, that while l was
making inroads into that turkey the pet
terrier had not been idle. He had made
fringe around the bottom of one leg,
and the other had hole as high as my
shoe tops. This was awful. The yell
that went up when this mishap was dis
covered could be heard mile. | hast
ened back to the hotel. 1t had cost SIS
pair of trousers so far, but my mind was
made up that it could cost 500 before
would cease looking for some one TO
post me in carving. 1t was at great
personal expense, but the chef at the
hotel told me all about it. Now | can
carve, but | am loaded to the muZzle for
Z liz, .hc,., L To-