Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1890-09-01

''Beware of the dog" should be painted
run.
''Now let good digestion wait on appe-
tite," murmured the goat as he chewed
up the latest novel.
LET him who merits bear the palm, .
said the boy when his mother whipped
him for playing truant.
''Has your girl a keen sense of the ri
diculons?" eyes, she laughs all the time
am with her."
Debtor want to pay that little bill of
J,nnrS-- Crnditnr-An right. my dour
boy. Debtor-But can't.
What is the matter with that lamp,
Bridget? Does it smoke? Bridget don't
know nothin' bout whittier it smokes or
drinks; but it goes out noights, num-
When the tramp who had been loafing
around the park all the morning was told
by the policeman to F'move on he re-
piled, ''Half loaf is better than none. .
Daisy What surprises me about the
stars is not their sizes and their distances
and all those horrid things, but how they
ever found out what all their names were.
''What are you laughing at SOP" he ask
ed, suddenly starting up in bed. The
wife checked her laughter at once. 81
couldn't help it, John. dreamed l was a
widow"
prin TO n
erary, / am told. Mrs. Missit-Yes, in
deed. Why, with his books and papers
he filters a room worse than any one 1
ever saw
EditOr-Isn't the ink running a little
gray? Foreman-That will be all right,
sir, after a few more impressions. The
devil upset an oyster stew on the form at
lunch time.
A mans ears are placed in such way
that he may catch the things that are
said in front of him; a merciful provi-
dence never intended that he should hear
what is said behind his back.
Lawyer-Do you swear positively that
you know more than half this jury? Wit
ness-And now that have taken good
look at 'em I'll swear that L know more
than all of 'em put together"
''Oh, Clara, Toms been expelled from
Yale! ''You don't tell me so. What was
the matter?" ''He was found studying
political economy when he should have
been developing his muscles for the next
boat race"
Mr.. Gilman (who has taken board ona
farm)-Is there a bank anywhere near
here? Farmer Catchum-No, sir. We
amt never had no use for banks in this
section. You see this is the first season
we have taken city boarders.
Dumley-It's pretty hard to satisfy ed
itors. Stumley-So it is. D-The edit
or of the Housemaid advertised for mar
velous stories. L sent him story of
man who fell in love with his mother-in-
law, yet he returned it as unavailable.
ENJOY life while you can, for you will
be long time dead" is our advice to a
man in the position of the car of Russia,
who no longer eats boiled eggs now that
he has discovered that the egg-meat can
be poisoned by pricking through the shell.
Clerk Cat summer hotel)-The lady in
No l6 has been complaining about the
chambermaid. Landlord-If No. 16 isn't
satisfied, she'd better go. The trouble
with these city people is they imagine
they come here just for their own pleas
ure.
Advertiser wish this advertisement
placed in some part of the paper where
people will be sure to see it. Editor
Yes, sir-yes, sir. L can put it right be-
side the editorial, if you wish Aim!
Please put it alongside of the baseball
news.
Excited Female-Say, if you have flied
them divorce papers for me | want you
to go around and stop 'em right away.
Lawyer-Have you made it up with him?
Female-Lord, no. L don't have to- He
has Just been run over by train. want
you 10 sue The company for damages"
A fellow thinking TO appear smart en-
tered 4 notion store on Sixth Avenue the
other day and said to one of the sales la
dies, Ever have any calls for husbands
here?" .'Oh, yes, occasionally. Are you
looking for a market?" "Yes," said Smar-
ty. "All right. Step right up on the ten
cent counter