The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1890-12-19
WIT AND HUMOR.
q her up tenderly.

tttDAAA AHt--L9cIN NStAtfC &1tt1S.
If men wore their hair as long as the
women do it wonld not last week
after the wedding. Dallas Nesos.
Before you do anything wicked. re-
member that the papers will propably
want to mention it.-4tchisoz Globe.
The nickel-in-the-slot machine never
robs itself. When it is not working ii
keeps the nickel.-Nesc Orleans Plea.
yssrae.
When a man is convinced that he
owes anything to himself he is always
very anxious to pay it.-Bfnghanaton
Republican,.
The poets remark about sermons
in stones recalls the lesson that David
taught Goliath with a slung-shot-
Washington Post.
so your intended is really beauty.
eh2n "a beautye Yes. indeed. Why
she even looks handsome in an amateur
photograph. - Indianapolis Journal.
1t is sign tAat her husband is max
ing money when woman begins to
get the look on her face of looking at
you without seeing you.-4tchiSop
Globe.
Mrs. Going to church
didn't improve your fathers temper
any. He came home like wild beast" !"
Dntiful Son-"After his preyr'-M
Y. Herald
The reason why they kill spring
chickens is because they are of no
earthly use except in an ornamental
way after they quit laying. Bingham
ton Leader.
.sTasa T., .k;.> 49,, on ..xUh; hso
Why he knocked him into the middle
of next week. Then, of course, he
knocked him out of time. ."-PhisGdef-
phid Times.
There IS a strong resemblance be.
back IN a quarrel and the man who
says Sick 'em" to dog in light
AfchtSon Globe.
The man who howls loudest about
the equality of man. is invariably
the man who is most firmly convinced
that the world contains no one equal
to himself.
There is no record of the Good
Samaritan distributing tracts. He made
tracks, but they led in the direction of
the man who had fallen by the way
side.-Te1ds Siftipgs.
After you have weighed your neigh
Dor in the balance drop a nickel of
fairness in the slot of self-examination
and ascertain your own moral ayoir-
dupois.-DoUeT Sentinel.
Don't You think it extravagant.
Henry. to pay 10 guineas for diamond
ring for your wife?n Not at all; you
seem to forget how much l shall save
on her glove bill. Spare Moments.
Uncle Abe, what is your idea for
having the camp-meeting held in an
other place this year?" Wal, sab,
the chicken cholera been ragin' pow w'ful
in de ole neighborhood. ~ Z. Herald
Miss Ann Fulton-..In my day the
girls wore one-buttoned gloves and
dresses buttoned up to the neck; now
they wear one-buttoned dresses and
gloves buttoned up to neck. IN r
Sstn
Il trust. said the love-lorn young
man, that the poem l sent YOU
touched you. even if only a very little y
ut did, it did" she murmured. Il
made curl papers with it, WdShing-
ton Post
A Lightning Interview: Reporter
What is your candid opinion of the
L DiSIudECkt Dis
-marek-..Vor a Gotillion he vas o Gay.
Vor q Cherman leadter he vas N Chee.n
The Epoch.
BIifers-'.Hello Whiffers! How goes
ftp Still working for Harde Cash &
Co. ?" Whiffers-"No. I'm in bust
ness for myself now.n You don't say
so?" Yes. married an actress. -
N 2. Weekly.
League Manager (to Applicant
What makes you think YOU would
make a good pitcher? You say you
have never played ball" Applicant
4 have worked in tar factory all nv
life. .''-DrGbe's Magazine.
'.Tom-..So you did not propose to
that dear girl last night, as you in
tended to. All. my friend, am afraid
yod were not fired by the divine spark K
of love. e."-Dick-..No. was fired by
her father. IN I. Weekly.
Wife You dance a great deal better
than you did when we were married
Then you always tore my dress in
dancing, but you don't now" Hus-
band-..Humph! Then didn't have to
pay for it.''-Ie1as Stftizgs.
Jimmy-..Them two Jones bows il
mighty lucky to be twins. amt they Pr
Bob-"Why?" Jimmy-'.They can
keep up three or four different Sum
day-sehools at the same time. and take
in all the picnics and Christmas trees. .
-ADer5cd.
PA" said Willie, who had been
reading the newspaper, who are the
sulphur refners?" I guess they are
the heterodox people, +" replied the old
gentleman, who takes a great deal of
interest in religious Wash
spgtoD Post.
The Rev. DR.. Rubitin-. Picture re-
jected. eh? All, well, all that will be
as nothing if you are not rejected at
the last great exibition-the Judgment
Day" Mahlstick (diseontentedly)-
well, even if I'm not rejected, then
I'll be skied. "-Racket
Father (who wouldn't give his daugh-
ter new hat)-''Good sermon, Sophvf
What was the text?" Daaghter-'I
cannot remember the words exactly,
dad, but something to the effect that if
you have one spark of generosity in
you water it well. ."-Bafalo Express.
Judge Peterby-s.W Where is YOUR son
now?'' Col. Yerger-"He is with
Silverstone." isn't that the mer-
chant who has failed several times and
been burned out ID time or sop'' Yes,
that's the man. l want my son to get
a practical business education. ~ Te1as
S!ftings.
There was very interesting. thing
happened in the House of Representa-
ives to-Hsy," said the chatty youth to
Young woman on whom he was
is il" she inquired in a
49,, >tone, ian nything that you could
fell - without iTnnron1iafv 9:s Hyoob