Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1890-04-16
This'll Make You Grin.


later he had not improved, for in
letter to Patmore he says: 81 have
been to q funeral where / made pun,
to the CONSERVATION of the rest of the
mourners. And we had wine. can't
describe to you the howl which the
widow set up at proper intervals
Dash could, for it is not unlike what
he makes"
ave 60 through life, we have our
sorrows, our trials, our overwhelming
griefs that whiten our hair and plow
deep lines adowD our faces, and how
do we end asks the illustrated Amer
ican. Death turns us into grinning
skulls.
'"Life is a jest, and all things show it.
I thought SO once, but now know it,"
This is the epitaph which Gay wrote
for himself. 1t is fortunate temper
ment that finds amusement in ones
own misfortunes, and especially in the
misfortunes of ones friends 4? Hard
ly, for you must pass through tragedy
before you find that life is farce
Yet stoicism-the quality that takes
everything calmly, and bows graceful
ly to the inevitable in whatever shape
it may stoicism is an excellent
quality to possess. What a lot of far
reaching trouble was saved by the
considerate husband who, on being
told that his wife had eloped with
neighbor. calmly replied "Well,
well, it is his own fault. / warned
him to keep away from her."
And an excellent example Of how
to make the best of it was given by
the excellent Mr.. Jacob Oopstein, the
soap manufacturer. Oopstein, junior,
had informed him, "Fader, one of de
workmen fell into one of de vats
and We didn't get nothing but his
bones"
"Vich Won vas it?" asked Mr.. Oop-
stein, calmly, and when informed that
it was "Villiam Chonson," he contin-
ued. "Vell, veil, dot vos too bad.
Still it might have been worse. Chon-
son vas der fattest man in der works" :"
A quick wit, too, was shown by the
husband and father who when his
mother-in-law died of apoplexy at the
dinner table flung the ice-pitcher out
of the window, and ordered some
brandy in celery glass.
"M'sieu," cried an excited railway
official to languid Englishman, "your
valet has been run over and cut into
a dozen pieces"
"Haw Be good enough, please,
to bring me the piece that-haw =
contains the key of my hat-box, aw "
That was thoughtful boy who,
when his companion had fallen down
a hole, called out to him: 81 say,
Tommy, if you shouldn't ever come
up alive, can have your bull-pup p
Bill Skimmins seemed to have been
a westerner of nerve. He was very
mean and had buried his father in a
most unhandsome manner close to his
barn. The neighbors talked a good
deal about this. Finally, one of them
thought he would punish by soaring
him, and so he laid in wait near the
fathers grave one dark night. AS
Bill passed by on his way from the
barn, the man arose and said in a
ghostly voice, "I'm your father, Bill"
"And who said you WARMTH" Bill
answered. "Git down thar into yer
hole, whar yer belong" And he
struck the would.be ghost across the
face with bride so that he carried
the scars for months.
A convict who had just finished a
five years sentence met the village
parson by the roadside and inquired
the whereabouts of one Bill Jones.
"Alas William is dead" respond
ed the old man. The convict was
deeply affected. All, thought the
parson, here is criminal with a good
heart. The news of an old comrades
death almost prostrates him. "Cheer
up" he said aloud. Have you look
ed forward to meeting him ?"
"Yes," was the reply. "You see,
he'd testified agin' me at the trial, and
I've been speculating all along on
breaking his face in when ! got out"
A gentleman who lived in England
received news of his sons death in
India. Wishing to have him buried
in his native place, he sent over in
structions to have the body forward
ed. In due course an enormous pack
age arrived, which, being opened was
found to contain large Bengal tiger.
He at once wired to India that there
must be some mistake.
The reply came: mo mistake.
Son in tiger"
People who can bear very calmly
the larger Affections of their neigh
bors, are often deeply moved by the
attendant inconvenience to themselves
did you hear about Maude ~
cried one younggirl to another. "Was
1t not too bad ?"