The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1890-05-25

Col. J. Annoy Knox, the eminent pachyderm
of the humorous press, reached Washington un-
expectedy by the fast freight on the Pennsyl-
vana Railway last fourth day. The train, it
grieves me to state, was seventeen hemisphere
cal knots behind time. The conductor had
brought the train to stop for that period of
eternity at Bladensburg, Nd, to afford his pa
irons cursory view of duel that was in pro-
gress between a clerk in the War Department
and a boarding house keeper of Washington,
whose butter the aforesaid clerk had, in an un-
guarded hour, impugned. The conductor had
another and more sinister motive for stopping
the train at Bladensburg. He had made the ir-
ritating discovery that the LOGON otives locomo-
ton had been entirely too expeditions, so to
speak The blood had CONCEALED in his main and
collateral arteries when he learned that his train
was actually on time. "If | should run into
Washington on time" mused he, sotto roce, "
should not only forfeit my reputation as rail-
road man, be reproved by the superintendent of
motive power, but my name would appear in
the liceutous press of Washington under scare
head" No train has ever been known to arrive
in Washington time with the single excep-
tion of George Francis train.
AS the train discharged its human freight in
the depot yard Col. j.. Annoy Knox alighted
with that Chesterfiedian and McAllasteran
grace and abandon, which his creditors have on
divers occasions remarked make him so poeti-
caly resemble the Pdndion hdliBtus CdrOlinen-
sis of Patagonia and the corn-fed maverick OF
Bolivia. This was his first official visit to the
irdescent Capital of his native land. Col. Knox
upon his own motion Immediately went into the
Committee of the Whole House on the state of
the Union. While debating under the fiye-
minute rule whether he should go and ask Mr..
Blaine to send him as duly accredited consul
to Coatzacoalcos, or whether upon his own re-
sponslbility he should luXurate in an electric
sea-foam shampoo, the eye of Col. Knox hap
ed 70 ia the T,prsnectiyp of 81 human
being who would be picked out at any town cau-
Gus as a man unalterably opposed to the Mckin-
ley proposition to increase the duty on beans.
He at once approached this man with the sang
froid of a managing editor, or the agent of an
Arkansaw sorgham mill.
surely, am making mistake" lisped the
pilgrim, as the wind soughed gently through his
epigrammatical whiskers. my eyes, which have
stood me in good stead since the surrender of
CORVALLIS, cannot now deceive me. This is the
celebrated John Chamberlain who played Casino
with the Mill Boy OF the S'lashes' and three
card monte with Jefferson Davis. l recognized
you, my dear boy, from woodcut which saw
in the current issue of the National Baptist"
well ?" replied the man, with that hauteur
and frigidity so much affected by bad actors and
with the dignity Of Vanderbilt's $1,000 cook in
his mein.
my name, am proud to say. is j. Annoy
Knox"
in the Rogues' Gallery, and you don't look bit
like him. You are either bunco artist or a can
vasser for subscriptions to the Worlds Fair in
Chicago, and you make me tired"
Thereupon the man, who was none other than
Col. John Chamberlain, walked away to keep an
engagement with planked shad that had ar
rived G. o. d. on the same train with Col. Knox.
This setback nonplussed the famous promoter
of adipose tissue somewhat, and darklng
thoughts of revenge and retribution hovered in
and around his garglia.
LET me go and adjourn Congress- thought
he, "and IA blightng, whitening. devastating
curse will fall upon this town, infinitely more
far-reaching, vastly more holocaustical than the
late esteemed cyclone at Louisville. or the play
full cataclysm at Johnstown, and why should not
the curse fall? Why should my hand be stayed I?
The occupation of these people is but the writing
of the Government. | have been outraged and
insulted. | shall go and adjourn Congress-" 1t
was while in this cholerlc mood that Col. Knox
strobe forth in the gladstone sunshine with the
shadow Of the Capitols dome in the iris of his
larboard eye ana the reflex of the Washington
Monument in the iris of his starboard eye.
The business which brought Col. Knox to the
Capital of his adopted country has not yet been
disclosed. 1t is now our pleasure to expose the
nigger in the wood pile. 1t appears that a few
days prior to the opening of our tale Col. Knox
was swopping stories with DR.. Depew in the
Grand Central Depot. when the Doctor incident
ally mentioned that there was standing reward
OF $500 in gold for the man, woman, or child who
could make Senator Quay, the chairman of the
Republican National Committee. laugh a laugh.
1t further appears that Senator Quay had been
unable to laugh since Col. Bill Nye began his
side-splitting articles in Il New York journal of
civilization rejecting upon the inherent qualities
of Quay as a borrower of the State funds of the
Commonwealth OF Pennsylvania 1t was for the
deliberate purpose of coppering this reward, of
laying it up morh and rust, it were, that the
Colonel and his whiskers had come to the seat of
Government.
But to resume. Having disguised the aroma
of his morning cocktail with Glove, Col. Knox
again sought the free and unfettered air.. Still
bent upon his revenge, walked he forth. A
familiar face magneticaly loomed up cn his
port quarter.
when / introduce myself to Levi p Morton,
the twenty-third Vice President of the United
States.'
my friend" said Levi P.," for the man was
none other, you cross my path like ray of
sunshine You are like tin cup of beer from a
Cincinnati brewery TO parched and weary
traveller in the sun-scorched desert of the elder
world. ! am on my way to the Washington
ShOreham Hotel where would gladly welcome
you if it had bar. But alas, il has not. The
organs of the Administration say it has not, and
am bound TO accept their word. But what
might be your name and what is the nature of
your claim against the Government Perhaps
if ] knew all the particulars might in my own
Thanks, many thanks, for your dlsinterested
generosity, the remembranee OF which l shall
carry with me 10 the dark and silent tomb. But
my name is KnOX-J Annoy Knox. Perhaps
IN the range OF your wide and diversified read
inRs you may have met with that name"
The name is household word with me. The
discoverer of noN vomica has my profound re-
spect, my sincere admiration. Indeed, L may say
that 1t was only this morning that directed my
private secretary TO prepare bill appropriating
coverer of noX yomica, that great boon of man
kind, the banisher of headache. 1t does me