Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1890-10-16
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JEsTs AND YARNS, By FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Wanted a Couple-Heavy Pies-A
Lesson from Experience-More
Remarkable, Etc, Etc.
WANTED A COUPLE.

-
weddings furnished?"
''Yes, sir" replied the caterer, briskly.
81 wish you'd send a couple to my
house right away. I've two daughters
I'd like to get off my hands. - Bazar.
Duncan--So you and the handsome
Bramble girl are one2
Titcomb-That's what I thought
when the minister married us, but have
since concluded that we are ten.
Duncan--What do you mean9
Titcomb-She is one and I'm
naught. Il Epoch.
VALUABLE FAMILY RELIC.
Billiams-Ihave taken fancy to that
cane you sport, Gilliams. Would you
sell it2
Gilliams-Wouldn't dispose of it for
any consideration. It's an old family
heirloom; my great grandfather used to
belabor my great-grandmother with it..
Jewellers Circular.
AFALLACY.
In Washington.
Bagley-Well, I suppose necessity
is the mother OF invention.
Patent Office Employe-You wouldn't
think SO if you worked in the Patent Of
fee.
HEAVY PIES.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS got into my
house last night and got away with six of
my wife's pies
Yeast-How in the world did they
get ina
'That isn't the question. How did
they get out after eating the pies, won
der2"- Yonkers Statesman.
AND THE BAND PLAYED-A QUIcKsTEP.
Arabella alone with her beau,
In the dim light of gas burning leau,
Heard step on the stair,
Turned the gas up full flare,
And said to her worshiper, "Geau!
Papa has his boots on, kneau!"
-[New York Herald.
NO CHANGE.
"Mother, can't stand this" objected
the young wife to her mother, ''Harry
keeping me up this way till 2 or o'clock
almost every night since we've been mar
ried."
"You might have expected it of him, ="
was the reply.
"Why, should like to know2"
"Just because it is his nature. What
he did before marriage he is not likely
to change afterwards. VI Philadelphia
Times.
HOW HE KNEW.
"Pop," said Billy Blossom, of St.
Louis, ~ seed dude down street."
"How dye know he was dude,
Billy"
"Cos he had collar on."-[Epoch.
BOLD BEGGAR.
"Do give me a kiss, my dear-just
onew
"Don't annoy me, sir. and let me tell
you once for all that if you ask for such q
favor again I'll have you arrested for
begging without license. Fliegende
Blaetter.
SOLVING THE DIFFICULTY.
She-Isn't it terrible that ice should be
SO dear in the summer and coal SO dear
in the winter2
Chappie-Yaas. Now, if we could
only have the wintah in the summah
time and summah in the wintah every
thing would be just right, Bah Jove!-
New York Herald.
AS THEY STATED IT.
Funnyman-A fine pair of bays yor
have there, Mr.. Horsey. Raised in Mas
sachusetts, l suppose.
Horsey-Why do you suppose they
were raised in Massachusetts,?
Massachusetts is the Bay State, isn't
it,"
"To see you bestraddle nag, Mr.
Funnyman, one would take you for 6
Green Mountin' Boy".-ITexas Siftings
swEETLY FEMININE.
Emma-Does my dress hang all right,
dear2
Lucie-It certainly deserves to. The
style is positively criminall
AN MPossIBILITY.
II understand that Bullion, the rich
banker, used to write poetry"
"Impossible. Bullion prides himself up
on being self-made man, and poets are
born, not made, y'know."
LESSON FROM EXPERIENCE.
Young Husband-I want family
jar.
Crockery -H'm-how long have
you been marriedf
"Three weeks.n
"Had visit from your wife's mother
YETI"
"No-she's coming next week"
Crockery Dealer lin fatherly tone)-
Then l wouldn't buy one now, my son
Maybe the old lady will bring on wher
she comes. My wife's mother has beer
visiting us regularly for the last fifteer
years, and she never has failed to bring
one yet.-[Epoch.
MEASURING BY THE EYE.
Young LADY, want a pair of shoes
large and comfortable. Two will do.
New Boy (glancing at her foot)-Mr
Leather, the lady wants two shoes, large
and comfortable Where's that box Of
sixes3-IGood News.
1T DIDN'T WORK.
Whiffers-See here, Bliffers! You
told me the way to win a girl was to de-
vote myself to her mother.
Bliffers-Yes, Stree, that will do il
very
Whiffers-Huh! I wanted to win
Miss Beauti, and took your advice, and
devoted myself to Mrs. Beauti, and now
the old lady, who is q widow, wants to
marry me herself.-lN New York Weekly.
HE SHOULD HAVE DIED YOUNG.