davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

salary will be eight dollars week, and
if every thing is satisfactory you can
start tomorrow"
"You can rely on me-" said Jim, TAX
ing his leave.
Jim proceeded to the nearest saloon
co treat his friend Neverflush ton drink,
and while there met an acfusifssfsek
named Goode.
"I've struck it rich, old MAN." said
Jim, slapping Goode on the back. "Oh,
it's regular snap. I'm in the news
paper business now"
"You in the newspaper business?"
Eyes, all brain work. just signed
five years contract down at the Herald
Office to assume entire charge of the ed.
itorial department. 1t won't be many
weeks before | will be known all over
the country. One of the conditions OF
the contract is that my name is to ap.
pear as tho editor in large type. So that
there would be no misunderstanding
had tho size of the type mentioned in
the contract"
what size was it?"
DOuDle great primer.
81 guess this brain work business is
one of your dreams, isn't it?"
mot much. Get cool hundred bones a
week, too. Two moro beers, barkeep."
Scene in the Herald office about half
an hour later:
Business Manager Ito managing ed.
itor)-Did you hire anybody to fill that
position you were speaking of yester.
day?
'Oh, yes. I got fellow named James
Neverflush. He's to start"
Great Scott! You don't mean that
tank? Why, he'd be disgrace to an
anarchist paper!'
81 didn't know he drank"
Drink! That fellow actually drinks
so much that he don't get time to eat.
Bounce him! fire him! give him the
rowdy-dow as soon as possible"
Next day Goode again met Jim.
"Well, how does brain work agroe
with you?"
"The thing is off. threw up the
whole business this morning"
what for?"
"They tried to impose on me. WHAT
do you think the Sinking swindlers
wanted to do?"
"Give it up"
WANTED to change the clause in the
contract about my name being set up in
double great primer. They wanted to
make it ordinary brewer. refused to
submit to it. Left the Office indignant
ly. Brewer, bahr'-Lewis NJ. Sweet. in
Texas Siftings. '
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

AN on WITH GREAT HORNS AND FIERY
EYES.
pearance. With low, deep believing
it walked into the road and stood di-
rectly in front of the two pedestrians
"Oo-oo-oo-oo!" beloved Sam.
"Mercy" screamed Jerry.
"Ah-oua-oo-oow
"Save mer' squeaked Tyler.
The ox-hide approached another step,
and Jerry leaped forward and seized it,
and on the next moment Tyler was by
his side.
''Now, Mr.. Peabody, l reckon you're
safe" uttered Jerry, giving him a grip
lik a wise.
"Don't-don'tr' cried Sam.
Don't what?"
Don't hurt mel"
eve won't hurt you if you keep quiet,
but if you make any resistance, you'll
run the risk of getting your head
broken"
Sam knew that it was Jerry Smiths
wife whom he had frightened, and he
knew that Jerry could handle him as g
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

amount OF talent.
Jim NeverHush applied for the posi-.
ton. Jim was a worthless kind of a
man, totally unreliable. He also drank
like the star of minstrel combination.
''The position is not good one," said
the editor to whom he applied, caadidly,
land the work is not entirely in the Lit.
erary line"
"Oh, that don't make any difference
to me-" said Jim; sin fact like to have
variety of things to dot kinder
breaks the monotony."
You'll get all the variety you want.
Sometimes you would be asked to write
wrappers, as we send out many sam pie
copies each week."
lone of my strong points is sQektpg
sample copies throughout the couhtry.~
81 am pleased to hear it. There are
other things you would be expected to
do. For instance, the paste would have
to be mixed each morning, and the Office
swept"
Certainly, sir"
"And never let the scissors get dull,
Mako it a point to see that they are kept
in good condition for writing the origi.
nal humor column"
Il will, SIR"
"Can you set type?"
81 am sorry to say don't"
"That's too bad, for you could have
made yourself useful setting up the
mail list during your lunch hour. The
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
CURING A JOKER.
How Sam Peabody Became the
Victim of His Own Joke.

OF a thousand
mil es fro m
where l We
dwelt a man
named Sam Pea
body or at
least, so | shall
call him, for he
is a good man
now and might
not like to have
the evil deeQS OF
his youth made
known amo n g
strangers. Sam
was an lnVet-
crate joker,
what is de-
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
THE NEW EDITOR.
How He Came to Throw Up His
Position.

PAPER published
in a large Western
town was in need
of a young man
1t was not necessa
~ for him to be a
full-fedged editor,
or p art ic ularly
gifted in carelessly
handling the truth,
as the position was
an in i g nj fc a Mt
one and did not
r G q u ire q vast
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
His Honor's Joke.

whats this next case?" asked the
judg&
1T be prisoner was arrested for ogling
wom$n." 49,.
LAB sort of stare-case?" said the
judgd and the prisoner laughed so
upro5 riously that the Judge was very
leniept-JurE
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
Useless Knowledge.

Tourist-What is the name Of that
ruinP
Pdasant-I don't know.
Tdurist-And what is that mountain
called? . s. So
ST on't know"
"0h, excuse me. I thought you be-
longkd to this place."
"So do, but don't need to know all
these travellers things. "-Fliegende
Blaetter.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

Mr.. Bent-I'm sorry to see, Maria
that our Tommyis developing AnaTchis-
tic tendencies.
Mrs. Bcnt-Bless mel What's he been
doing?
Mr.. Bent-Why, heard him talking
very ferociously TO small! boy; brI
when the other put up his fsts, Tommy
ran away!--puck.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
me Influences of Cllmate-How She Got
Her Fortune.
LII M r E

Ii M A T E
and soil work
wonders in
Manners ab-
its, and even
in complex
ions. A n n a.
b ell Willard
was tho pride
ohucHNJ Vi OF-
cry young man
in c a | u IN at
County. Shl
was a natural
coquette, fond
Of admiration,
given to hirt-
a t i o ms and
frequently en-
gagged to be
married. Her
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

A. wonderfully fast horse
that Axtel is" B.-"Bound to be fast.
Just look at the gang at the race track
he is obliged to associate with."-Texas
SiftinpS
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07

--"Somebody has taken my revolver
out of my DESK" said the religious ed
itor, glancing around the room. "You
didn't know it was loaded, did you?"
asked the snake reporter. mo, didn't
think So" "In that case it probably
went off of its own accord. They al
ways do. you know, when you don't
think they're loaded. "-Philadelphia
Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07


pains to make that dress fit so nicely,
and l should think you'd want folks to
see it."
by jingo!' screamed little Adam
Snip, going close to the victim, you
have worse fit now than | ever had.
Shan't l send for doctor?'
At this the crowd laughed uproarious-
ly. They would have had pity for any
one else in town, to have seen him in
such a situation, but for Sam they had
none, for they knew that for years he
had been annoying all whom he could,
and now, since he was caught in a trap
of his own setting, they thought it
best to punish him. At nine o'clock
nearly all the inhabitants of tho village
were out there, and by this time Sam
began to cry. Even Jerry was touched
now, and going up to the victim, he
said:
Now, Sam, I'll let you down on one
condition. Promise that you'll never
attempt to perpetrate a practical joke
again?
81 never will"
"Of any kind or description? You'll
never annoy human being again, if
you can help it?"
"Never-never! l never will, so help
me God!'
So Jerry united the cords, and in a
few moments Sam was free. He was
too stiff to run, and for awhile he could
walk with but difficulty. But Jerry
gave him his arm and helped him to his
own house and there let him remain
until the crowd had dispersed.
Toward noon Sam went home, and
for over a month he stuck closely to his
shop, never appearing in the street save
when absolute necessity required it. He
kept his promise faithfully, for to this
day he has not attempted to perpetrate
another of his practical jokes. And
people love him now. for he is one OF
the jolliest old men in the country and
his presence is sure to dispel any thing
like the sulks or blues. And among all
his stories there is not one over which
he laughs more merrily than over the
| one wherein is contained an account Of
that practical Joke which was so sum-
marily turned back upon himself
! Sylvanus Cobb, Jr., in Yankee Blade.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1890-06-07
"What will the remainder do?'

80, the police II gather EN- in.
Some of 'em are good, aud some aren't,
but the good 'uns II do as do, go West
But begins a business, carried On
automatically, is better n labor, but
you got to be diplomat to do it."-Chi-
cage Evening Journal.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
A Regular Crusher.
\.

Zone of the brightest things ever heard
a drunken man say" remarked a Bangor
man this morning. occurred on the train
as | was coming down from Portland. The
fellow was in that peculiarly laxative
state when he felt he must converse with
everybody and continuously. All kept
clear of him as long as possible. but finally
the train got so we'll filed that a gentle
man was forced to take tho seat which re-
NAMED vacant in front of the intoxicated
man. At once the fellow began:
SHAY, mister, did you ev' 20 fishing?
YES, Of course have camo the gruf re-
80 Shay, bet Pve caught more fsb'n
you ever did pursued tho man, Don't
doubt it, replied the stranger in a tone
meant 10 stop the conversation right there.
"'Ill bet IS I've caught bigger hsh'n
you ever did persisted the loquacious
Bachanal. Well. don't care TO talk, if
you have said the victim, as he shifted in
his seat 10 show the drunken man that tho
conversation was ended. But the inebriate
didn't see 1t in that light.
"'Shay.' he persisted, leaning over the
back OF the seat, and placing one hand con-
fidently on the shoulder OF his unwilling
companion, Shay, how big a fish did you
ev' catch?' Why replied the man in a
frantic attempt TO silence his prosecutor,
caught the mammoth cod on the steamer
Empire State last summer-forty-thre
pounds Huh came the response, in
disguised tone, as the drunken man leaned
back in his seat, as IL pitying the weak
efforts of his companion, I've used larger
bait than that The laugh that went up
from the passengers in that vicinity, who
had been closely following the converse
ton. struck the intoxicated gentleman as
quite appropriate. and be remained silent
for some I've minutes gazing in contempt
UPON biz crushed yietG.n
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
He Wants to Write a Good style.
Cpv,

This is an old, old question, and il is
oftener put to us than any other; but 1t IS
important, and is worth answering many
times. and especially at this season of the
wear. when fresh graduates from colleges
are thinking about turning their acquire
ments TO practical service III newspaper
writing:
"What would you advise me TO do 10 acquire
good style in newspaper writing
You must begin. young man, by learning
to think clearly. That is the first great
requisite for good style IN newspaper
writing or any other writing. LucldIty,
perspicuity. arc the prime essentials II the
thought is worth written expression. You
must not impose on the reader the task OF
disentanging your thoughts and cropping
about 70 find your meaning, but do that
lob yourself beforehand. If you can write
az all. You will have no trouble in making
clear to other minds whatsoever IS sharply
defined in your own mind.
The truth of this is enforced on US con-
stantly bv the correspondence which comes
10 the sun from all sorts of men. The
most uneducated express themselves with
admirable clearness when they know ex-
actlv what they want to say. and keep
within the limitations OF their precise
thought. and tho best educated founder
about helplessly when they do otherwise,
and seek 10 make vain display OF literary
dexterity.
People who would write we'll enough il
their sole object was TO elnoidate their sub
ject will spoil it all in the effort to show
themselves of That is great vice of the
writing Of very many Of the clever young
fellows of this period. They are too self
conscious and too eager to provoke atten-
ton TO their cleverness. All that IS as bad
in literary style "a 1t IS in social manners.
Showing of Is vulgar.
Hence, young man, If you want 10 &C
auire good literary style, think about
what you are writing. and not about your
self and the sort of figure you are going TO
cut in tho eyes of your readers. If you are
really a writer of consequence your style
will sufficiently express your individuality
without any conscious effort on your part
TO obtrude yourself.
Reading the masters of literature is ne
cessary for you, not to get models Tor iunl,
tation. but 20 cultivate your taste and
familiarize you with perfect literary form.
No knowledge and no information will go
amiss if you are a newspaper writer. The
wider your range of learning the better 1t
will be for you, 30 long as the knowledge
is sound and not mere smatterlng.
Finally, you must be great man IL you
are going to write great style.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
CAUSES OF SUICIDE.
and Common Sense the Best
Preyentiyes.
Tho iospl.aLl

II Is commonly believed that the ten
dency 90 suicide. like the tendency to mad
ness. runs m families and that rs no doubt
true. But the strongest and clear
est-headed man in the world has the posi-
bility Of suicide in him. On tho other
hand the disposition 20 madness aud sui
eide. which IL So decided a characteristic ot
some families. is ia many cases easily 20 be
kept at bay by resolution and Intelligence
on the part Of particular individuals. So
that in most cases If the story Of a suicide
be read from the very beginning, the iuli
responsibility must be placed on tho VIC
tim himself. I'm our own time the pressure
of highly civilized environment urges M a
~ the direction of BRAN WEAKNESS and 80
OF disgust with life. But 10 Is 10 be borne
IN mind that no man l. compelled 20 enter
into the keonest competitions OF bis age.
The brain is fairly mature before tie
age of twenty-five, and before that aye
few educated men are married. and lower
still are rroyOcahly committed 90 parti-
cular calling or way of life. 4 young man
of average Intelligence Is then quite able
90 Judge his own intellectual force and
staying power. and he is also able 10 take
into consideration the history OF ms lami-
Is aud his own inherited tendencies. lr b.
incumbent upon him at that stage 60 take
stock of his mental and physical re-Ourc
exactly as he takes stock Of his capital
If his available money amount to no
more than one OF two thousand pounds
he would consider himself mad
man we're he TO embark IL business re-
quiriug a capital Of half million. But Is
no not just az much mailman n, with q
mind Of merely average powers, he enters
upon a line of life requiring an intellect q
the strongest and clearest order and men,
tai endurance OF the most persistent kndy
A young man acting thus invites brain
worry. invites chronic dyspepsia, invites
sleeplessness; throws the door wide open
for tho entrance Of all the physiological
foes that destroy health aud drive sanity
ont Of the homo.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
UsiDg q Cat As n Clock.

Every one knows that cats can see in the
dark. and the reason they can do 50 Is be-
cause OF the peculiar construction OF their
ewes. You may have noticed that IN q
moderate light the pupil or black part of
nussv's eye is small end OF an oval shape,
while in full glare Of light It becomes
narrow. Now in the dark II expands to cir
Gle. and nearly fills the surface OF the eyeball
This peculiarly Of the cats eyes Is turned
10 account in curious manner by the
Chinese. The Able Hue relates that when
ne was travelling IN China he asked his at
tendant what time it was. The man went
over 10 q cat that was quietly basking in
the sun. and examining its eyes, told the
Able that II was about two hours after
noon. and on being questioned how
ne knew that. hs explained that the
pupils OF cats eyes Were largest
In the morning, and that they eradu.
ally grew smaller as the light increased.
til thew reached their minimum at
noon. that then they began to widen
AGAIN till at night they once more became
laroe The food Able was filed with ad-
miration for the ingenuity of people who
could use cats as clocks. But IL must be
admitted that this way OF telling the time
~ dav is rather loose one. and could only
be Trusted in very clear and serene weather.
for tsmnorary gloom or tho darkness of a
storm would sadly derange your four.
footed clock and put 1t all wrong.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
VIRGINIA CROPS.
BULLETIN BASED ON REPORTS OF
VOLUNTEER CORRESPONDENTS
Tbrop,bout the state and Published by
the u. 6. signal Service Tor '"o
Week Ending August IL, 1884,
GBy telegraph to the Dispaich-l
LrScunuaG. Va. August l6,

I,YScunueG, Va. August l6. ls9O.
The Temperature during the week has
been below the normal. with cool nights.
There has been about the normal amount
Of sunshine. The rainfall has been gene
raj light. and below tho normal. while In
sections most needing rain there has been
none.
The tobacco crop has improved every
where. Tho corn crop has improved and
is generally in fine condition, except IN the
Shenandoah Valley and part CT Albomarle
Rain is badly needed in Augusta aud
Rockingham counties, though ia the latter
the corn il already almost beyond re-
Tie peanut crop is reported IN good con-
dition.
REMARKS or SPECIAL CORRESPONDENTS.
Tynchburg, Only trace Of rain IN two
days. Corn, tobacco. aud garden truck
improved and in fue condition. Inc
normal amount OF rainfall for the week
would be go inch.
Marion: Rainfall 0.sI In two DAYS.
Favorable g. all crops.
Wythevile: Rainfall $50 in three days.
VERY favorable 10 all crops.
Ctristiausburg: No rainfall Tobacco
looking extra well in Montgomery and
Floyd counties and not the least damaged
30 far. Corn and other growing crops very
good.
Bedford City. Traceo rain on two days.
Corn coming on very we'll and the inqica-
tions are for good crop. Tobacco LOOKING
well and viii be fine. q,
Bolar: Rainfall 0.32 on ono day. Cool
weather and fine for making hay ana
threshing wheat, whichia about two thirds
OF crop. Corn will not on an average
make moro than half a crop.
Dale Enterprise: No rainfall and very
dry. Corn crop beyond redemption. Ias-
turage getting very short
laucrys Mills: Rainfall 0.O7 IN one day.
The tobacco crop. corn. grass, ana All gar
den crous are needing ram badly 90 make
any crops. Fall sowing and planting use
less until we get rain.
Lvnchburg to Manassas along Richmond
and Dauyille railroad rainfall about nor
NAL, and the corn and tobacco crops are m
a favorable condition.
Summit: The weather has been cool,
with cool nights: otherwise very season.
able. Corn and tobacco looking hne.
Fall Creek Depot: No rain. tobacco and
corn dong finely and improved since the
abatement of the rain. All growing crops
IN splendid condition.
Dauyille: Rainfall about m average.
Rather too much rain lately for hne to-
bacc0 crop.
Aspnwau: Rainfall below the average.
Corn and tobacco improved.
Nottoway Courthouse. No rain. All
crops doing well. Pastures good.
Richmond: Rainfall 0.l3 Ia two days.
All crops improved.
Petersburg: Rainfall 0.29 in two days.
Favorable TO all growing crops.
Spottsville: Rainfall 90 IN four days.
Fine growing weather. Corn and peanuts
doing their level best.
Smithfold Rainfall 1.56 in three days.
All growing crops improved.
J. \. kYKEB Observer.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
Manufacturing Statistics.

Richmond takes greatpnde in her manu-
factories, and in the collection of statistics
for the census reports she should give the
agents Of the Government such assistance
rs will enable them to do Us full justice In
their reports.
The Chamber Of Commerce may perhaps
be able to render valuable service in this
matter. We know its officers are crowded
with work and are very busy, but it has
facilities for obtaining information pos
eessed by no other organization here.
When Mr.. HaRmsoS gets ready 10 pro-
coed with this work We hope lie will apply
TO the Chamber for such help as may with
propriety be given, and we feel confident
that it viii DO readily and cordially al
fordcd.
In the special and important item Of to-
bacco the Tobacco Trade will no doubt
give great assistance; as TO milling we sup
pose the Grain and Cotton Exchange can
do much TO snliehten the officers, but for
several manufacturing statistics the Cham
Der will DO the body capable of most ef-
fectually representing the community.
II is the custom Of the Government to
invoke the support and active aid Of such
agencies, and eight OF ten years ago, when
the Chamber was but an infant. IL gave
General IssopRy, under somewhat simi-
Lar circumstances. doiG of great value which
he incorporated in his report. With its
present large membership and active and
intelligent officers we know that il viii do
asmuoh. and indeed far more. for Mr. HAIR
AIsoS II desired.
The growth aud prosperity Of Richmond
are largely dependent upon her manufac-
tories, and We trust TO see them hand
somely advertised to the world through
the medium Of the census reports.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1890-08-17
WILMINGTON NOTES.
Po1Itic, and sam Jones,. NIeeting,.

Correspondence OF the Richmond Dlspatch.l
WuMISGToN, y. c., August l6, 1890.
The political caldron is Just slmmering,
Il don't begin TO boil yet, but as the sea-
son advances the electioneerIng fires will
grow hotter, when 1t will begin TO bubble
no and overflow with vim. We learn
that General Manning, the.present Repub-
hcan sheriff. after having served several
terms. has determined not TO DO again a
candidate, and as this New Hanoyer) is
an overwhelmingly Republican county,
with great preponderance OF colored
voters, there Will be q great effort made 10
raise ono of that race % the sherlhGltv, and
there Will undoubtedly be an abundance
Of aspirants for the position.
Work has begun on the tabernacle for
Rev. Sam Jones's meetings, which are TO
commence on the 9th proximo. 1t IS 70
be large enough to seat about 1000 people.
Public opinion here regarding the dlstin-
guished evangelist is much divided and
considerable feeling hos arisen IN cOnse-
quence. Rev. DR.. Pritchard BAPTIST and
Rev. DR.. Hoge (Presbyterian), both pastors
OF large. wealthy, and influential churches.
are outspoken in condemnation of his Ian
guage, while all the Methodists. equally
large and influential, with one individual
exception. are earnest in his praise. How
ever, he is coming, and doubtless will be
greeted by large congregations.