The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1890-10-12

I
election. like Othello, with his occupation
gone The fountain of perpetual riches
has been discovered in the person of Uncle
sam, and the fountain of perpetual youth
for which Ponce de Leon sought In vain
for so long, Is a green and Shiny pool IN
comparison. No officer will ever became q
defaulter, now, because the lnducemenI
will be entirely absent-something better,
you know. Harvest will promptly follow
seed time, and viii always be abundant.
Every corn crib over the length and breadth
OF this land will become a United states
sub-treasury, with money advanced upon
demand. Every wheat granary in the ma
ton can be staked at current prices for al
it is worth, and the chickens. pigs and
oxen, poor things, will be fortunate indeed,
II they know their masters crib. We VIII
feel safer when riding on the train, for we
viii each have share in the unWatered
stock Of the road.
Years Of research have finally triumphed
and the hidden secret OF government with
out cost Is now unveiled to the general
public for the first time. Taxation has
been discovered to be a useless burden for
we can all go into the government BUSH
ness and reap a handsome dividend. No
/ more hot winds; no more drOutns: no more
/ chintZ bugs. No more failures Of any kind
| whatever. but one grand. continual boom
now and forever more, world without end,
/ as soon as his plans are adopted. But I'M
! fortunately or fortunately rather. the pol
/ itical cranks do not all agree. The gov
1 eminent should shoulder all OF our indebt-
ednes" SAYS one crank. 1.-The government
| already has too much power, and that
country is best governed which IS least
! governed" says a second. Down with
! the National banks, they are the cause Of
all our trouble" shouts a fourth. Give
| me warehouse receipt for my corn IN the
/ crib, cries fourth.
Want one too" shouts number five,
/ although my corn Is still in the field, hut
/ then | was tired and could not hush it, ~
and so il goes on and on. These fellows
/ compel Us to think and act We call them
/ cranks, day dTeamers, enthusiasts, Yet
many theories now obtain in this country
/ which were considered vagries fifty years
/ ago. | said the political crank was Just
now a conspicuous feature Of our land
scape. The imitation of prices a few years
! ago, OccasiOned by the heavy influx OF
money and people tempted many Of us 10
I become spectators. We mOrtgaged what
property we owned. bought more than we
cOuld pay the cash for and laughed at the
foolish coupon clipper for being such a
Ounce As to loan Us money at such time
We strutted the streets and felt Ike we
would not take any ordinary boot between
ourselves and Jay Gould. We assumed
many debts, and contracted many more,
but none for the necessarles of hfe-and
the depression came. The boom collapsed,
the bottom dropped out of the real estate
market, our equities became less and less
and finally disappeared altogether, or
existed only in our imagination.
Our equities folded up their tents like the
Arabs aud as silently stole away. They
folded up as folds the portals when the
light of day is shut folded up as folds the
jack-knife when chew of plug IS cut.
But the debt did not fold itself up;
mott bpr did IL 6iSaOpaaF I'm storm in
sunshine in adversely, rs in prosperity,
the creditor, the representative Of the debt,
sprang up. He bobbed up serenely. and
some of Us think from below, and demand
ed, like Shylock, his pound of flesh.
Neither did the coupon clippers presence
long remain imaginary. There he stands
now swapping his empty scissors, almost
rusty from disuse, in very suggestive
way He is DESTROYS of clipping some
back interest coupons. We hunted for
him when we borrowed the money, and
from the bottom of our hearts pitled him
because he was not a speculatOr.
This was when we were on earth the
first time. Since our return he has been
hunting for u.s.
Need / say To you that every feature Of
this condition of affairs is the result of our
former greed our desire 10 become
wealthy without giving an equivalent.
We sOwed to the wind and are now reap
posed to blame ourselves. We never are.
Neither is the political crank, for he would
not be much of a politician If he did that.
His leadership would be exceedingly brief
were he TO make such a blunder. We,
like him, are hunting for a scapegoat, and
we find 1t in the powers that be-the gov
eminent itself So the crank poses a
politician, gets himself nominated for
office if possible. tells the dear people how
much he thinks of them aud what he viii
do for them if he be elected and 50 we
vote for him and he is elected. When he
gets into Office be draws his salary In a
manner very much like his predecessor, |
and we find when IT IS TOO late that hui
mainly is very much alike. We thought |
we had found a special kind Of dirt but |
upon trial it was found TO be Just common !
clay The world was not ready for his |
theories, so he dropped into a niche pre- |
pared for him. We must wait yet awhile |
for the adoption OF his ideas. He must die /
first. This Is nearly always q condition I
often like the man with his /
life insured: he must die to win /
The medical crank with his long. flowing
hair, and that yearning, faraway look IN
his eyes, is perhaps on the whole, the most 1
OF all the species now eXtant.
He usually makes his first appearance
upon a rearing charger In advance Of q
brass band which leads the way while
strains OF cracked music are filling the
circumambieut air, TO tent where stage
has been hastily imprOvised, and where
the band hslts and actors of doubtful
ages perform old chestnuts for a time,
after which the medical crank again ap
pears upon the stage.
He is built like CaSsius, long, lauK and
very lean. He has an extensive store house
Of words, and IL il almost superiluOus 20
say, that this store house i always acCes-
sible, and he can impress more Of US with
the profundity OF his knowledge in a
shorter space Of time than any other being
On earth. ! say this sdvisedly.
! see him now a. he svaggers before his
audience, his long hair floating In the air,
bis fingers Clutching convulsively az an
intricate hair splitting thought which be
laS evolved from the enormous store
house of his gigantic intellectual wealth.
How tiueutly be discOurses upon the diff
erent ORGANS of the body and their vBri-
JuS functions. How learnedly be aliudes
% he pOsteTior mares, the soft palate the
.hm0Id and sphenoid bones, the laryuN /
he vocal cords, the bronchial tubes the
unGs. the liver. etc, until for the moment
Fe stand astOnished IN open mouthed /
wonder at the mans intellectual teCuud- /
~.
We forget again that be Is a crank, an
and that he has not told US a
hing but what we already know. But he I
els Il 50 exceedingly well that we listen. |
nd listening we admire How huently !
le talks OF that headache which comes on
eguarly about ? o'clock in the morning
fter a hearty midnight caTousal, Just as
hough men did not always have pain IN
be head a. they ought 70 have after VIC
zting the laws OF health.
And then too be never fails TO tell Us q
hat listleSs. tired feeling which comes
- =