Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1890-05-15
WIT AND HUMOR.

appears.-Atchiso, Globe.
There are no good liars, though some
of them are very skillful and talented.
-Neao Orleans Picayume.
Time will tell, but the ordinary man
with an important secret won't give
time chance. SomerUiLle Journal.
How many things there are to laugh
at in this world to the girl who has
pretty teeth and dimples.
| Globe.
If man does not care to live let him
umpire baseball or go hunting with an
amateur sportsman. - NeO Orleans
Picayune.
While we're on the subject of ances-
tors we might remark that the dog has
four paws and maw.-Binghamton
| Republican.
mo, sir, tell my wife everything
Il conceal nothing" what miser-
able, unhappy woman she must be-
| N. Y. Sun.
"'Never strike man below the belt,
is my motto.n You don't live up to
it. You struck me on the pocket the
other y."-Chdtter.
! The attitudes which some people
strike after doing what it is their plain
duty to do would make a dancing
master blush. "-Pucb.
Sir Isaac Newton made money by
seeing an apple fall. Some women
make money by keeping al apple
| stand. boston Courier.
(Which would you rather be, a knave
or a fool?' asked Idioticus. Il don't
know" replied Cynicus What has
been your experience?"- Y. Sun.
Sappy-"Yaas, aw, doncherknow, if
there, aw, is anything l, aw, love, it is,
aw' calves bwains" Miss Pert-''O,
the annibalr'-LdWreuce american.
When man is going down hill he
finds the attraction of gravitation and
the encouragement of the public a
great help to him. Binghamton Leader
Under Officer What is the matter
with you, Fusilier? You look like
hippopotamus that is seeing the ballet
for the first time. "-Fliege0de Blaetter.
"You ought to thank the Lord your
daughter has married so we'll" No"
replied the millionaire. The Lord
should thank mel paid his debts. -
Racket.
Faddles-''Did l ever tell you that
story about my uncle and the snake?"
Swaddles You did, my boy, and I'd
rather believe it than hear it again. y
Harpe,'s Weekly.
''Did you pass the last examinations"
| said Senator to a rather rapid son.
"Well, er-no; didn't just exactly pass
it. l laid down my hand, as it were"
Washington Post.
Advertiser-''C Can't find my ad. in
your paper this morning; what's the
trouble?' Editor-.'Don't know. Put
in Lost adj. and it will probably turn
up."-N. Y. Herald.
Judge" Prisoner, do you confess
your guilt?" mo. your Honor; the
speech of my lawyer has convinced
even Inc of my entire innocence. -
Fhege,ade Btoetter.
Old Cocktails drinking a good stiff
glass just after dinner)-'Ah! that's
the stuff. 1t is funny, but l never feel
an appetite for dinner unless | take a
drink afterward. IN. Y. Tribune.
Not feeling well, dear boy?" 80,
a lIItlC wv an you hHo". udl
all. I've adopted a course of mental
exercise" What do you do?" 81
count hundred every day. Wash.
ingtOn Post.
Willie" said lawyer to his son,
"did | hear you swearing this after.
noon?' No, father. | may have
been affirming with unnecessary en-
phasis, but 1 WASH swearing" Wash
a1agto,s Post.
Man in Carriage (down SoutD-"I
say, Colonel, can you direct me to
Blankville?" Man on Horseback
I'm no Colonel" Man in Carriage
well, well! Stranger like myself, eh?"
N. Y. Weekly.
Doctor-"Take cereal food for break
fast my dear sir; it will help you won
derfully." Patient (next morning.
''Barkeep, gimme a little old rye.
Must follow doctors orders. "-Minne-
apolis Journal
Say, waiter, reckon you've taken
my order all wrong 1 ordered spring
chicken and a bottle of II claret.
Here you've gone and brought me
II chicken and a bottle of spring
claret. "-Racket.
Mumby-''Say. when two trains col
Tide they call it a telescope don't they?"
Dumley - Yes; why?" Mum b y
Nothing. only was wondering why
they didn't call it collideoscope."-
| Laurence american.
An old saying makes it that she who
goes borrowing goes a-sorrowing." 1t
may be SO with some borrowers, but IN
other cases it is the fellow who lends
that generally does the sorrowing.-
PHILADELPHIA Times.
Old Mr.. Walstrete-"And have you
sufficient MEANS young man, to sup
port my daughter in comfort?" Jack
Hastings Why, yes; provided I'm not
ruined by the expenses of a long en-
gagementr' -Puck.
Benevolent Old Lady-''Dear, dear.
Little boy, why do you sit on the curb
stone eating those crusts?" Small Boy
81 N dom it for me health, maam.
You didn't suppose l was hungry, did
| ye?"-Ltppiacotts 1Magazinae.
Irate Customer-'Lookh here, 1 want
my money back. That parrot you sold
me won't talk at all" Bird Dealer
Il did the best I could, sir. You in
sisted on having bird that would not
swear. "-Ierre Haute Express.
'.And how did you like the services
at our church last EVENING"" There!
G. - 7 Il -