davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
HUMOROUS.

when your wife writes letter all kisses
Look out for the postscript: 'rm all out OF
money!
Pittsburgh Bulletin
Indignant Guest-"Waiter, have
acank 1--WE glasses Of water waiting for
that beefsteak. When am I going to
get it?' Waiter-.In about four glasses
more. ."-Texas SiftingA "
a-'Can you show me the grub that
makes the butterfly" she inquired.
sweetly. "Buckwhcat's the grub. but
faint in season" answered the horid,
ignorant farmer.-Baltimore Newa
-Blinks-"You don't mean 70 say
you've found sure way to make money
1t the races?" Jinks-"Sure - shoot
ing. never fail" Blinks-''Myi myi
Do you buy tips?" Jinks-'No / ssll
them."-N. Y. Weekly.
8 Hitherto Patient Boarder-'Mra
Starvem, ! can stand having hash every
day in the week, but when on Sunday
you put raisins in it and call It mince
pie, draw tho line. Lam
poon.
Casey Qn grocery store)-'Givs me
. pound Of tay." Grocer-Green tea or
black tea?" Casey-Grane tay, in
coorse. Do ye think I'D so back on me
colors. ye spalpane?'-Light
Census Enumerator-"WeU. have
finished . big days work. and I'm
tired" His Wife-.'I'm 20 sorry I can't
help you. Now sit down, dear, and tell
me all you found out about our neigh.
bors."-N. Y. Sun.
His Worship-"I must really make
an example Of you-you come here 20
often" Prisoner-''Don't b too ard
ON me, guv'nor; you amt I'D any trouble
with me for eighteen months. Why, )
only come out this mornin'r'-Funny
Folks.
-Distracting. - Customer - "Well,
Shears, what did you think Of the
Bishops sermon on Sunday7 saw you
in church." Barber-"Yes. sir, but -
tell the truth there was . man sat in
front Of me whose hair wanted cutting
20 badly that couldn't hear word ~
The Jester.
-NOkoS- VuSt 10 tuo Icol QIuOt0uOO
between wit and humor?" Stokes-'I1l
tell you. Wit consists Of the funny
things written by men who arc now
dead; humor consists Of the funny
things written by men who are now liv.
ing."-America.
-Yabsley-''If ever marry shall
marry . woman of education" Wick
wire-s'I used TO talk that way myself
But in fact never had . thought Of
marrying the present Mrs Wickwire
until one day got letter from her an
nouncing that her uncle had dide' and
left her 65, 900 dolerA' "-Terre Heute
Express.
Uncle Hiram-sThis 70 . queer
world" GothamitA-.'What makes you
think so7' Uncle Hiram-"Wal. Q
PAINTER feller came down to my place
last summer. and while he was loalin'
arosn' painted . picter Of ny yaller
doe. I heard sfterward that he sold II
Ter $50, % brought mp the dog think
ing could git at least oool tAoussn'
for him: but By gosh! / cant even give
him awsy."-Aussay's Weekly.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
VACATION.

Pn been having little vacation, wife.
ADd twas better than caa tell:
% 1t the farm, with the old homo life
Ere We came to the city 70 dwell a.
AID 1ust % LEFT Il, was every thing thseo
Father and mother and all, ga ..a.
1he hills Were ~ green. and the skies were -
fair
And the trees were Just as tall
Ana father was getting In hay, you know.
And he wanted me 70 load;
Twas the clover and herds grass. - heavy,
. that grow
In the meadow across the roa6 .-f
And those fractious old oxen were j1st tAe
e. same.
Ssaxp,norned, with the brass button tips.
YheIped fasten them on the day they came
Twas The year of the great eclipse.
Wi6en the long long beautiful day was DER
And the lowing cows came home.
MY mother stood there at the open door
And she called TO the children TO come.
For supper was ready. 50 one and al -.-
We tumbled and laughed with glee,
In our haste TO answer the welcome call,
WHY wife-what's the matter with mef'
And the old wife bowed Ger the old mans
- head
And snooshed down his scant graz hair.
And her kiss and q tear we're one. as she sod:
"You've been having nap in your chair"
Youths Companion.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

lady to whom he had been engaged. 50
when fine position was offered him in
Rio he had no reason for refusing it.
Now that he has amassed . fortune he
comes homo to enjoy it-and IL generous
enough to let me make use Of his ex-
periences. You young ladies are usually
eager novel-readers. don't you think
can make fine serial out Of this?'
The girl had listened intently; IS he
concluded she exclaimed:
''What . romance! Mr.. Burton, l
have some copy here which l think will
at in with your history"
While speaking she handed to him
Helen Smiths NJ. s.; he had hardly
glanced 1t it when he cried:
'sShe says she IL an old maid! Where
does this Miss Smith liver"
''She did not tell me; she is to call for
the II. S. 1t two o'clock"
..Ah. thank you; I'll meet her here. "
s'Why, of course, 1t was not I who
died. /" the typewriter might have heard
Helen saying. about two o'clock, IL she
had not been womanly aud discreet
euOUKo W I0SSk0 0OE 4SCQS AAA8 WI vOAy
"Don't you remember, WILL
that my fathers youngest sister and |
were the same age and both Of US named
Mary Helen? 1t was she whose obituary
you saw" --5.r
ssWhata fool I was not to have made
some inquiries!" exclaimed Mr.. Burton,
wrathily. .sBut, Mary dear. doesn't our
old engagement still hold good?"
''If you say So"
"U?" he repeated. laughing; then.
tearing Mary Helen Smiths story into
inch-long fragments he said: "This
thing which you had written out 80
has fulfilled its mission; it
shall be consigned to the waste-basket"
Which WAS just what the editor would
have said. had he ever seen the N. s.
But though he would never have given
Helen the ten dollars for her article, I
think we may rest assured that she con.
siders that it did win . prise.-Frances
&. Wadleigh. in Young Woman's Maga
.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
a x,A,o.a lgea,, Hxpaa.aese..

Two men graduated from WE'LL
known medical school. and both went
into practice In New York. One was .
bright fellow and hard worker and .
modest man. the other . man OF snowy
parts and not given 70 overwork. Tho
latter soon secured . handsome peac-
tice. The other got little practice, and.
when making . call upoa his classmata
remarked: 'sHow is it. J.. that you, who
never worked In school. who often came
to me for assistance over kaotty mat
ters, which l rendered (aAd J. admit
ted all q statsd). have large practice.
while I am not yet earning nving?
Come to the window and will explain
to you the whole case OF every hum.
Ared persons you go passing mp street
eighty at least ere fools. l an Doctor
ing the eighty, while yoa aFe attending
10 the twenty wise ns4.-bsunswtek
(4A) TsasgrspA.. :, -. - --.-.-,
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
THE JOKE MARkET.

ln Nest Llnes the 00Dp1y 8xoooaD ~
Demand Considerably.
The strawberry-box joke II coming On
the market in small lota Fifstrate
strawberry jokes like the bottom Of
the strswberry-boxes. come high. We
quote gilt-edged. Slso 70 y; fair to
prime, 50 70 el.2A
Ice-cream jokes are more expenstve
than they were last year%75 cents each
for fair; shelf-worn ice-cream Jokes and
those saved over from last season arc
unstable. Ice-cream jokes With tyro-
toxicon attachments command slight
advance on quoted Agurea el
There 10 NO demand for mother-in-
Law Jokes and aseir manufacture has
ceased at the regular joke factories
Amateurs just starting In business pro-
duce faw, but there 10 no market for
them.
Jokes about irats fathers setting the
bulldog On 'unweleo0o callers upon
their daughters are occasionally pro-
duced, but the demand f6e them u quite
small.
Saltwater jokss Of the drugstore
wink brand are reappearinG in tie mar
ket There are no fresh ones. howevef.
the specimens being thooo left over
from last season. Strictly fresh soda
water quips would meet with . ready
sale, but the supply Of this grade u
short
Jokes on lecturers and traeedians and
the reception they meet with st the
hands OF discriminativo audiences Arc
eeRspenaive, II fresh laid, ssy elto 70
- per pair.
Church-fair oyster jokes B out Of ssa-
Plumber and coal-deal humor II out
Of the market and ice-man fun has
taken its place. The high price Of Ice
throatens 70 run values Of this class Of
humor up to An exorbitant point There
Il not much ON the market - yet hold
srs seemingly waiting for higher prices.
Humor about the spothecsrY who mis-
takes morphine for quinine IL drug on
the market
Jokes about millinery bills arc IL.
ways se~sonable. though there 10 gan-
orally . boom from just before Easter
UU6ll tOo 0UH0W0H - 4OsSSy o0SOs INV
the fair consumersoi the nillinery, this
brand Of humor 10 very dear.
Seslskin jokes arc now put away In
camphor for the summer.
Servantgirl jokes, like servantrgirls,
come high. bat No must have then.
We quote A No I st . per dozen.
Fun about speing poetry II somewhat
ffsyed at the edgeA The subject u too
serious for peopsr numerous treatment
Good efforts command from q % 81. SIN
Ooeh. according 70 quality.
Jokes sbout PhilaAelphla aro slow.
Spring chicken jokes aEs teagh.
The new sxtradition treaty With En-
gland has spoiled Tie market for cashier.
eone-toC CAnads fun. We unaeEstand that
large dealers were caught with quite .
supply On hand. anA which were thus
rendered vsluelssa
Baby Mckee jokes 60 Of very slowly
noW, st cents per 1ooI
The latest style a Jokes include The
Chicago WaelA's Fair. the phonogFspA.
aaA death b sleotrocutioa - . means
q peoleaGing lie.
Ches&nutD are unselable. We quote
esnts psR carload - seminal ASuSo
-pit&sbufgh Chreaiclo.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

.-Canned Lima Beans: Boil them o0e
hour, season with salt and pepper. MI
the glass-cans quito full. seal carefully.
and put them In . cool, dark place.
They keep well-Home and Farm.
-Strawberries sholA b eaten with.
in one hour after being picked. Their
exquisite favor II never enjoyed 70 the
full by those Who depend upon 'btore"
berriea
Grape Nectar: Two pounds Of Co
tawba grapes. squeeze through coarse
cloth, add to tho juice three tablespoon
fuls Of loaf sugar. and one cup Of Geld
water. Add shaved ice or water 70 suit
the taste.
t-Rhubarb Tart: Slice and cook -
much rhubarb as may be desired. sweet
en- when hot add heaping teaspoonful
of butter for two pies. and the yelks Of
three eggs Bake with under crust and
cross bars Of crust over the top
Ito make sealing wax for fruit cans.
take eight ounces Of resin, two ounces
Of gum shellac. and . half-ounce OF bees
wax. Melt all together. This will
make quite quantity and may be
melted for use when wanted-The
Housekeeper.
When making crab-apple jelly have
ready two or three fresh rose-geranium
leaves and drop in ~ you take the jelly
from the iire.. Let them remain about
three or four secondA or until wilted.
then remove. Itimparts mostdelicioua
flavor.
-IfaN hard soaps for the weekly wash
Arc shaved and dissolved on the stove in
. partly filled kettle Of water. twill not
take - long to make sudA 1t can Be
shaved beforehand to Be in readiness
Monday morning. Not On the Sabbath
day as some do. there II plenty Of time
some week day.
Fried Satisfy: Scrape and lay the
roots in cold water for thirty minutes.
wipe and slice. Tho slices should b
one-half inch thick. stew In salted watef
till tender. The water should b boil
ing when satisfy is put in and kept boil
ing till the slices are tender. but not
quite done. Drain Oh the water. and
dip the slices in beaten egg, then in
very fne cracker crumbs and fry del
icate brown in very hot buttef.-The
Household.
Fruit Custard: Thoroughly beat
three eggs, add . pinch Of salt and
three tablespoonfuls Of sugar. Heat
one pint Of milk boiling hot in . adouble
boiler. and stir in the egg preparation
until Il thickenA Pare and thinly slice
four bananas; sprinkle over them one
tablespoonful Of sugar and one Of cold
water. Pour over 1t the custard and set
In . cool place. Serve cold Oranges
can b substituted for bananas; OF .
layer Of orange and one Of desiccated
cocoanut arc nice.-COuntry Gentleman.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.


The Msthodists build TIVE houses d
worship every day In tho year.
Tho Wesleyans have Afty-o1s
eAapels and other preaching places h
Italy. and eighteen In Spain and Poeta-
gal.
"A dozen colleges and seminaries are
now Saising money toward supporting
one of their own students - foretgD
missionary.
Mccormick Theological Seminary
(Prssbyterianl. Chicago. sends seven Of
IT. thirty-nine graduates 70 tAs nissaos
nelA
In New Haven. Conn. some Of the
churches Are debating the propRiety o.
setting aside the Internatio0al Sunday.
school Lessons and adopting Prof. Har
per's inductive plan.
Rev. Albert Gallatin Norton. Of
Amesbury, MasA. 10 still preaching in
. pulpit that he has regularly filled
since le25, without in single instance
writing out sermon.
Tho incumbent Of St Stephens.
LAunceston. England, 10 chosen BY pop
uisr suffrage. Every rate-payer under
ESQ has one vote. another being con-
ferred fos every additional ss5 Of rata
BILE value. up to . maximum OF ak
voteA
Newton Case, to whom Hartford
Theological Seminary 10 indebted for
it, valuable library Of $1,000 volumes
has announced his intention to erect at
once are-proof building adequate for
the present needs and large growth Of
the library.
Episcopal Church, whose erection was
begun recently in Brooklyn. there was
placed photographic cylinder incased
in tin, upon which . member had spok-
On. in the name Of the cod eregation. .
message 20 those who shall ct some fut-
uro time uncover the Stone.
Tho Cohsnsey Baptist Church. at
Roadstorm, near Brid9ton. N. J.. has
just celabrated Its two hundredth
anniversary. Tho frst pastor Of this
church Was Rev. Thomas Killingsworth.
who was settled In l6o0. The church IL
tho third in ago in Now jersey and the
thirteenth in the United States.
Tho 5000 loyal Methodists Of Glove
land. O., after two years Of unremitting
effort have raised $50, 900. and have
paid all debts ON the twenty n. E
churches Of that city; 5000 remain In
hand to apply on two now mission
ohapela On June 8 these liberal peo-
ple held jubilee over the event
Rev Francis J. Clay Moran has been
raised to the rank OF Protestant Episoo-
pal ArChdeacon Of AnnapoliA His
rights and privileges are larger than
those Of other archdeacon in this coun-
try, and are neatly equal to those Of the
canons In the Church OF England. IL
10 the first time that the rank has been
used In Maryland. Il is now done in
erder that Bishop Paret may moro fully
carry out his plans Of missionary work
among the colored people Of the StstA
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16


about Ne. she finished BY explaining:
Oh. Miss Smith, do wish you'd marry
orothef Bert, he's such . fooly
These last three words being sisterly
euphemism for connrmed inebriate. /"
but could mot espouse brother Bert
Tor delirium tremens secured him before
did.
Then there was David Archer; his
wiie and were very dear friends, and
Just before her second child was born,
"nen she was very low-spirites and
miserable, she sent for me, and when
arrived she said: I have one earnest
request to make to you, Helen, and
want You to promise to carry it out;
wnen die want you to take
my little Nellie, and the coming baby,
TOO II Il lives. and then, after . year
OF %. want you 70 marry Dave. He's
: issle bit disposed 70 be Wild. but with
: urn hand to guide him. like yours,
ne wiii b all right Do pronise, dearr
:! managed to avoid giving promise;
ess asea aet Asve bsea - ocs1puleas,
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
:. ..AI.&alss]

widowed mother, her widowed sister
and infant. daughter, . widowed aunt
and herself.
Tho united incomes Of these -four
women hardly sufiiced to supply them
with the simplest necessities Of respect
able life, SO it was their habit to scan
carefully the wanted" columns of the
daily press and all the Inducements
to agents., IS set forth by weekly OF
monthly journals.
As yet, neither OF them had ''struck
psy gravel" One day Helen's eye was
caught by an announcement in . re-
spectable-looking weekly papef. that
1t would give . prise; of ten dollars to
the spinster who would send Il the best
article explaiHing why she had mot mar
ried.. - a.. rk le -
Helen had never written for the press.
therefore she was not conversant with
the many artifices 'resorted to BY jour
nails TO advertise themselves: when she
saw such prizes offered. she was foolish
enough to believe them sincere At Arst
she smiled ae the request, wondering
who would be willing to thus blaxon
abroad her, heartrhistory, but ten dol
lars would be % useful. 80
1--WE mind to try for tho prize" !" she
suddenly said to herself. my story js
truly . strange one, and as poor Will Is
dead, and therefore the recital can not
annoy him, and as am blessed (?) with
the very common name of Mary Smith.
noone will be harmed il do come out
in print My family and friends, all but
poor Will, have always called mo by my
middle name, SO that Aunt Mary and l
should not be confounded. therefore
they'll not be apt to suspect that ! Am
the writer"
He1en was facile writer, but her
chirography was terror even to print
ers. 20 she wisely determined to have
her manuscript copied ON typewriter.
my reasons for being IN old maid
are diverse. To begin with, it is doubt
less Kisma. Aunt Eunice has said to
me ever since I left school: You are
too particular, Helen Smith! You'll 70
through the woods and then pick up .
crooked stick at last Now what woman
wants. knowingly, to marry . crooked
stick? don't for one. Yet how many
such sticks have dropped in my path!
There Was Bert Wallace; I can never
forget how heartily his sister spoke one
evening. when, after repeating to mo
various pleasant things he had said
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
FULFILLED ITS MISSION.
Miss Smiths Article Wins q Prize
Aar In Peculiar Manner.

ELEM SMITH
was only too
we'll aware that
money was not
. drug in any
m marke { with
which her fam
lily had deal
ings. II . z
branch Of the
great s N ith
IL m lily was
small and strict
ly feminine con-
sistiug OF her
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

Ten years ago = good buhalo head
sold for as - 3s9 The tsiso now
ranges from SIS to SlOo Thsser has not
been . green buffalo head in Denver
for three years. But It isexpected that
Buffalo Jones' domestic buns1o herd in
Kansas win occasionally add . now
head to the market Rocky mountain
sheep are not very aumeross. snd the
handsome head Of that animal brings
from Ss5 to Sl00 Mountain sheep are
sold in pairs. when the tsxidermist has
saved the whole animal and they sell
for $50 . pair. Elk heads sell from
S3S to 500 each. Grizzly bear rugs
bring from % to $500 esch. black bear
- high SIS The cinAamoa snA brown
bear are common and not % desirable,
aud the hest will not sell for over ESQ.,
Kansas City Journal. al
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

Talking OF scoepious reminds - that
have 1T times induced some people to
believe that ! possessed the power Of
tanning these antipathetieal eroatures
and their equally rapelsnt many-footed
relatives, the centipedea Though the
capacity OF rendering such veDomous
reptiles harmless may appear amazing
to the uninitiated. there was really noth-
ing supernatural in the art which sim
ply consisted in sufrcptitiously nipping
Oh the ipof the scorpions sting and tho
poison hooks Of the Scolopendra's jaws
with . pair Of scissorA Thus deprived
Of the power to penetrate the skin. tho
once anxious insects arc banned in their
attempts to do mischief, snd may b
permitted to roam undisturbed over the
hands and face without the slightest
tear Of danger.-Naturalist
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
AN ORDEAL IN cEYLoN.
a Custom which Does Not Alwavs Argue
for Gulltl0ssness.

a Custom which Does Not Always Argue
for Guiltlessness.
Recently the district Judge ct Kalu-
tara, in Ceylon. had before him three
persons, including . village head-man.
charged with causing grievous hurt to
four others BY requiring them to plunge
their right hands into . caldron Of
boiling oil Tho medical evidence de-
scribed tho hands Is being in - sod
den. suppurating condition." the
fingers being in some cases deformed.
In all cases the injured persons were
unable to follow their ordinary ayoca.
tions for about . month.
The facts Of the case. - stated in the
Judgment, were these: A woman in the
village had some plumbago and rice
stolen from her; . head-man made in
quiry, and failing to obtain . clew
to the theft announced that it
would b necessary on the third
day to hold an ordeal by boiling oil
This appears to be not uncommon GUS
tom in remote parts Of the country, and
the formalities are a follows: Some oil
from newly-gathered king cocoanuts Is
manufactured by one Of the friends Of
the complainant; this is poured into .
caldron and heated to boiling point Each
of the suspected parties is supposed to
dip his hand into the vessel Of boiling
oil, and Is at liberty to sprinkle As
much of the hot oil as he brings up
with his fingers ON the person Of the
complainant who stands close At hand.
An exclamation Of pain on the part Of
the suspected person II construed into
IN admission Of guilt II NO such ex-
clsmation is made, the innocence Of the !
party is supposed to be established.
In the present case the evidence e.
tablished that the pressure on the &C.
cused was not merely moral; they were
forced TO dip their hands into
the burning oil No force seems
to have been used in = bring
ing them to the scene Of the ordeal;
they collected there in response to the
orders Of the headman who, seated on Q
platform opposite the vessel Of oil, ap
pears to have acted as the presiding
Judge. Each Of the conplainants de-
posed TO the fact that they were reluc-
tant to submit to the ordeal, but were
forcibly dragged up to the caldron by
the other two accused and their hands
plunged into the boiling oil. They had
sufficient self-control to abstain from
calling out except . boy Of seventeen.
who cried out Justify and was thereupon
pronounced the guilty one. The judge
took the fact that it WAS . custom into
account, but refused to dismiss the pris.
oners with . warning. - suggested By
their counsel. He fined them enc hun
dred rupees each. with the alternative
II rigoroas imprisonment for ten months
London Tines
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16
Hls Ilttle Conpllnsa'

Boarder-Did you ever play ehee%
Ars. Irons?
Landlady-l never did.
"Yoa would mafs very strong play
oe."
highly pleased )-'Why do you think
%, Mr.. Tuttle1'
inspecting the hash and the chow
chowl-ssYour combinationa, MrA Irons.
,re simply bswildssiAg. ."-Chicsge Trib-
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

0ldboy (handing . postal card - the
eleyk)-Will that 90 all right9
Postal Clerk = Certainly Why
ohouldn't it?
Oldbey-Well. after wrote 10 acca-
aentally got little blot o. the front
side Of it. and you know Nothing but
the address II 10 b. on this side u
printed there. wasn't sure whether
k1ots counted or not-Nunsey's Weekly.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

''Never was % put out in all my life
- / was yesterday" rsmarked Hsghes
Ut his club the other day. .;1ast lancyi
returned home rather late. lit the gas.
and was aboat 70 retire for the hight
Whon took Q notion 70 sDoGo . cigar
etts. Hunted high and low, but not .
sign - match could and. Ina rage.
! pat out the light and went TO bed-"
''Bst Why Aidn's yoa Hight yo1r cigar
etts By tAe gas5' asked ssoe oss.
Great goodnsssr' cried Hughes in
eomical despair, 'ifrd only thought OF
ik"-The Jury. Et
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1890-08-16

when your wife writes letter all kisses
and honey.
Look out for the postscript: 'rm all out OF
money 70