The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1890-07-22
THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
Summer Lecture Series.
LECTURE No. 2.

Sidehill Wellington, D. Ks. Gal,
OF Eufaula, Ala. The gentleman named
was known as "The Demosthenes of the
South" and ranked as a philosopher of
the first water. His subject was: "Why
Ar Dis Thus?" and Samuel Shin and
Pick es Smith were warned to preserve a
proper decorum in the presence of the
stranger or be prepared t. take the conse-
quences.
He
The honorable gentle man was intro
duced by the visiting committee in one
time and three motions. Like all great
philosophers his shoes were down at the
heel, his elbows frayed, his knees out of
true, and his general appearance proved a
carelessness on his part as to whether he
go up right end first or not in the morn
ing. He was received with enthusiastic
applause, during which Deacon Baker
managed to give Elder Toots a vigorous
kick and lay it to accident. As he bowed
his applause two buttons were heard to
strike the wall behind him and his collar
made a determined effort to rise above his
ears.
He BEGINS.
"My frenS," began the honorable, in a
voice rich with anticipation Of the coming
watermelon season, ave go to bed at
night. If we hev no company we go to
bed long bout h~alf-past 9 o'clock. If we
hev a SOiree on hand it may be two hours
later. If [ ak you what you go to bed
fur, you answer to sleep. What do you
sleep fur? You reply dat it is bekase
natur' intended you to. Yes. but why
did she? You can't tell. You tumble
into bed an lay dar' on your backs an
snooze an snore an dream of de lucky
numbers in policy, an when mawnin'
comes you fall out an kick de dog an
jaw de chilpen an wish you was rich an
didn't hev to go to work. Wells of ap-
plause. Natur' meant dat you should lie
down in sleep to give de body a rest-to
let all de muscles relax, de nerves grow
quiet, de brain cease its tremendous
efforts fur awhile. My world renowned
tonic, which kin be had in de ante room
after dis meetin' ~adjourns at two-bits a
bottle, cherry bottle warranted to hold half
a pint, will bring about dis happy result.
No cure, no pay"
The orator paused here to imbibe a
glass of water, and a puzzled look crept
into Brother Gardeners face. He was OBJ
served to make a signal to Giveadam
Jones, and that individual nodded as if he
understood.
eve hev de back ache" continued the
orator-"de back ache, de collie, pains in
de chist, fits of melancholy, bad dreams,
sudden desiah>to jump off de tower of de
City Hall. We hev SIGH things an we
nebber stop to inquar' de reason. We
jist go right along suffering, laYin' III sad
condishun to Jay Gould, Vanderbilt an
de Standard Oil Company, an nebber
supposin' dar is a sartin an cheap cure
right at hand. Sensation. My frens, /
has de proud satisfackshun to tell you I
am de inventor, proprietor an sole agent
on dis globe for de Wellington Cholera
Preventative an Lightnin' Con Remover
an afte- dis meetin' is ober my remedy
kin be had by any of the gem'len present
at de usual price of two bits a box-war-
ranted purely vegetable or money re-
funded" High old applause.
As the speaker st pped to take another
pint of water there was a broad grin on
almost every face, and this was increased
by the uneasy movements Of Brother
Gardner. 1t was plain to be seen that he
had been taken IN and done for again,
and that he was arranging some sort of
programme with Giveadam Jones. who
has long held the position of Bogardus
Kicker to the club.
"My frens,' patheticallY continued the
honorable, after the water had been put
away behind his nankeen vest, "you is
walkin' along the street, an am suddenly
looked wild a crick in de back, an can't
go on down to de bank an draw out $50.
You git up in de mawnin' feelin' slumpy.
You doan' keer two cents whether you
hev quail on toast or turkey on sweet
cake fur breakfast. You wake up in de
night wild a cole sweat startin' out, a
violent beatin' of de heart, an a fear in
your soul dat a band of Anarchists is hid
den under de bed to take your life. On
sartin occasions you sot down wild a pi ce
Of chalk an a shingle to fgger up how
much a var it will cost you to rent forty
~possofice boxes at 81 each. You is stuck.
De fggers dance away from you. Your
eyes blur, an you jump up in alarm if de
dog bowls in de back yard. You go right
along list the same, however, nebber stop
pin to Inquar' into de material causes, an
de fust thing you know your friends am
gathered around your bedstead to see you
expire. decided sensation all over the
hail. My frens, it gives me de utmos'
pleasure to be able to inform you on dis
auriferous occasion dat I am de sole owner
of what is called de Wellington Cure-All
Plaster which l w~arrant.to be composed
of sixteen different roots an de best Norf
Carolina tar. Desc plasters sell at twenty
cents each, or six for a dollah, and de
President of dis United States has one on
de small of his back when he entered de
White House fur the fust time. AFTER
dis meetin' is ambuscaded 1 shall be moas'
happy to see you all in de ante room, an
I"
At this point Giveadam Jones inter
rupted tie speaker to say that a man
wanted to see him outside on very i'm
portant business.
Exactly" replied the honorable. "My
frens, I will retiah fur a moment an as
certain his business. My address is only
half concluded"
He retired in good order, smiling and