Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1890-03-20

pre-empt tine sidewalk py noidIng MS
umbrella so as to knock out the eyes Of
people who desire TO retain their eyes, or
for him to stick his legs across the aisle
of a car and trip up a blind woman
whose eyesight he has previously de-
stroyed with his umbrella.
The best works on bridal tour etiquette
thus far have forgotten to speak Of how
to eat celery properly. Celery may be
eaten with grace, or It may be eaten
in such q way as to bring pain and
sorrow to the hearts Of those we love
the best. Select stalk by deity pull
ing it out of the ornamental umbrella
stand in which it has been placed on the
table, and if you drag the whole thing
out by mistake, do not curse or other
wise seek to attract attention to your
self, but burst forth into a merry
laugh, and while you tell some rich an
ecdote or other, you may select some OF
the best stalks and replace the others in
the aquarium. Then gently stabbing
your celery into the salt, which should
be on your plate and not on the cloth
or elsewhere, softly insert the vegetable
into the mouth, not to exceed four or
four and one-half inches, meantime hold
ing the little finger high in the air in
order to give grace to the motions of the
hand.
Now close the mouth quietly, and then
in rapid succession you may masticate
the celery, but the mouth should be kept
closed at such times. People who open
the mouth while chewing their proven
der make a great mistake.
To eat your celery without bsIng audible
Is an ambition that's highly audable
Iquote the above from the preface of
little work Of mine, entitled How to
Domesticate Man"
have spoken several times of the ETH
quette Of sleeping cars, and these rules
are general, of course, applying to all
classes of people. However, hope you
will not allow Bartholomew to lie for you
as some husbands do when their wives
want to swap an upper berth for lower
one. Not long ago had good lower
berth near the thermometer 80 that
could watch the squirt of the mercury as
it clomb up and looked over the edge of
the tube and then gently crawled back
into Its bulb again with blue lips and
chattering teeth.
Anon a man with luxurlant head Of
whiskers came to me and said could do
him great favor if would swap berths
with his wife. as they had been unable
to get lower berth. I said was not
very well, and l in other ways seemed
TO hesitate and hang back, for it is not
long since gave my pleasant little berth
to an unknown woman who had not the
grace of God in her heart nor the grace
of anybody else in her general bearing.
She did not even thank me, but ate
crackers and cheese all the way from
Buffalo TO Chicago. and kept the section
looking so tough that l could not stand
il. got the pneumonia, and it took two
weeks to rim out my poor congested
lungs.
Well, this Dir. Whiskers said that the
only reason he wanted lower berth for
his wife was that she was almost always
seasick while travelling on the cars, and
especially when in an upper berth. he
also added that her berth was over mine.
Recalling the general gloom and other
things that a seasick person can cast
over a community at times, / decided TO
yield my berth. Next morning | told
the conductor about it as / put large
plaster ON my chest. He said yes, that
was getting to be quite a popular way of
soaring a man out of a lower berth now.
He hardly made a trip, he said, that
some man was not rified Of his berth
right in that manner.
Keep the mouth closed while sleeping
on the cars. Your mouth will thus taste
sweeter even to yourself in the morning
than it would otherwise, and beside you
are less apt to snore. Snoring, which is
at all times reprehensible, is doubly so
on a sleeping car and on bridal tour.