Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1890-06-15
FROM THE WITTY PAPERS

-DORA BURNS.
FROM THE WITTY PAPERS.
Some actresses evidently need to be
reminded that the way in which they can
best elevate the stage" is by simply ele-
waiting their skirts less.-Laicrence 4meri-
can.
Minister-"Glad to meet you, doctor.
| am doctor myself and am always glad
to meet another" Doctor-"Yes. but YOU
see | practice, while you only Preach
Chicago Inter Ocean.
Mrs. Brown-"Was it not sad about
Mrs. Smith She died this morning
while trying on new dress" Mrs. Jones
No, you don't say so; how very dread
ful what was it trimmed with ?"-Jester.
Strikes are increasing every day
AT very rapid PAGES;
Even the lightning, SO they say
Has struck atseveral places.
The latest is school for teaching young
women to walk. De Broaque says that
the institution may be the means of saving
him good deal in the way of cab and
horse-car fare if he can only induce his
girl to join it.
Callowton-"Your wife was perfect
picture this morning at churchw Ben E
Dlcke married year, and cynical )-'In
a modern sense, l agree with you, dear
boy. The frame cost me Just S127 p-
Dry Goods Chronicle.
"But Clara, what could you have been
thinking of, to engage yourself to such an
absent-minded man ?" 81 repent nay word
every minute, but my hope is that when
we get to the church he will forget, and
say no. instead of yes "-Fligende bat.
ter.
A London correspondent says it costs for
dress alone "from $500 to $1,000 to have
the pleasure of bowling to Queen Vic
toria." That settles it. We shall never
bow to the Queen-unless the game is
poker, and we draw her when we have the
other three in our hand.-NorTiStown Her
add
"Uncle john" said little Emily, "do
you know that baby that was fed on
elephants milk gained twenty pounds a
week ?" Nonsense Impossible p ex.
claimed Uncle John, and then he asked
Whose baby was ?" at was the ele-
plants baby" replied little Emily
Jester.
II think l will have to return the dog
bought of you," she said as she called al
| the fancier's the other morning. "Any.
thing wrong, ma'am?' "Why, he's bitten
the baby" ooh, that's nothing. He
probably took the child for another dog
he will outgrow that if you give him
ime."-Defroit Free Press.
Snifkins-"Ye gods Look at Briggs
Isn't he stuck up? What's the matter
| with him that he's grown so proud all of a
| sudden? Has he made fortune, or-?i
Blimley-"No; his wife sent him down
| town the other day to match some cloth
| for her, and he came within two shades o.
getting the right olor."-Lawrence Amer
ican.
Scientific Jones-"It is wonderful what
progress has been made in photography
Even the spectrum of the corona of the
sun has been successfully photographed
Tommy Jones-"I wonder if the pho.
tographer had to shake a rattle at the
spectrum to make tkeep quiet, like he had
to when our baby was photographed y
Iezas SJtings.
"If | am wakefnl at night" said the au.
thor, 81 always put myself to sleep by fol.
lowing out, in my mind, the thread OF
some of my stories from the beginning
Presently the incidents and characters be-
come confused and the first thing | know
l am asleep" chats fact" said the
friend, enthusiastically, 81 can go to sleep
over any of EN- Chicago Tribune.
First village maid-aDid you know the
new minister had arrived ?' Second vii
lage maid-"You bet; l saw him get of
the train, and followed him home from the
station; and what do you think? When
he stepped in the mud | saw that horrid
Miss Sniffkins whip out string and take
measure of his foot mark, and hear the
mean old cats set to work making him a
pair of embroidered slippers"
Housewife-"Go onl You can't get any
thing here This is no harbor for tramps."
Hungry McCluskey drawing himself up)
Madam, | am no tramp. | am Gen.
sus enumeration, an if yer don't gimme
somethin' ter stop ther cravin's of my
stummick the law'll BE- on yer. Thanks"
Departing with roast chicken ''Smoth-
erin Jacob, amt it a great go. I'll keep
the scheme dark or the rest of the fe!lers'll
"a Christians like railroad train,''
The minister's sermon said:
Happy his lot or full of pain,
So trains steam out mid snow or rain
Or leave with the sun o erhead.
"But all along the same road go
Till heaven appears in view,
And then the peariy gates, we know,
Whether we started mid rain or snow,
Will swing to pass us through.
stCo oil obaord for Copoop,c shove
He cried with might and main;
Accusing drowsy Deacon More,
Who yelled while making for the door:
-Neo York Herald.
Husband-"C you stop that baby's
yelling? Just when l want it quiet that
child has got to set up fearful howl"
Wife-"The doctor says that certain
amount of yelling is good for the baby's
lungs. 1t develops them, you know;
makes them big, strong and healthy
Husband-"Yes, and at the same time Pll
bet my ears are getting big, strong and
healthy" Wife-"Well, you know, dear,
that your ears have never been any too
good"
"You will have to give me another
room, guess" said Congressman to
the hotel clerk. whats the matter ?
Aren't you comfortable where you are ?"
"Well, not exactly. The German musi-
clan in the next room and l don't get
along well. Last night he footed away Oh
his clarionet so that l thought never
would get to sleep. After had caught a
few winks, | was awakened witt, pound-
ing on my door. What's the matter l
asked. OF you blease,' said the German,
dot you would schnore of der same key.
Youvas go from B-fat toe, und it schpoils
der music" y Washington Post.
They hung on the gate,
Though the hour was late,
And tne moon stared big-eyed down,
As much as TO say,
"Ah. there, Break away
Tomorrow will soon be in town"
The youth took no heed
Ofthe warning. Indeed,
He seemed but 10 lengthen his call,
When all unawares
The window up stairs
Was struck and seemed ready to fall.
Said the maiden. "Good-byr'
Quoth the youth, al will fly,
For that was hint, by the powersi'
Said the maiden, "Ah, yes;
1t was papa, guess;
He is striking for shorter hours"
Columbus Dispatch.