The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1890-10-02
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Lots of Things Happen in Those Western
Towns

Lots of Things Happen in Those Western
Towns.
The last issue of The Arizona Kicker con.
tains the following interesting items:
NoTICE.-If the party who threw the brick
at us last Tuesday night rs we stood on the
corner of Apache avenue and Green street
will call at our office he will hear of some
thing to his advantage. We can make him
realize in about five minutes that men of
his talent are wasting their time in this
country. He can also make his choice of
l65 eligible sites in our private burying
ground free of COST Come early and avoid
the rush.
No BooM.-For two straight years The
Kicker has persistently opposed the idea of
boom to attract attention to our town.
We have watched this boom business in
scores Of other places, and in every instance
it has reacted disastrously. Our course
has aroused the ire of certain spectators,
but we shall continue it just the same.
We've got 200 acres of cactus pasture which
we should like to dispose of to some Ohio
farmer who wants to better his condition,
and who could be worked up to part with
5000 in cash, but we haven't the cheek.
We own half mile of side hill which
won't even grow rattlesnakes, but we
haven't the gall to boom it for peach
orchard. A million years hence we may
have six railroads here, but we can't force
ourselves to whooplal hurrah! over the
prospect We own about fourteen billion
dollars worth of wildcat mining stock,
every mine being in the clouds, and but
for our honesty we'd proceed to boom and
| unload. We are ut the head of company
to turn the Pacific ocean into the deserts
of the west, president of an artesian well
| company, secretary of the Great Straw
| berry Growers association, etc, etc, but
we were born honest and we can't look a
| tender foot in the eye and lie to him.
No, gentlemen, this town is what it is
| and no more. 1t isn't going to be II sec
ond Chicago. 1t has no Niagara Falls.
| There isn't even good fishing within thirty
| miles of U.S. We simply have the great
| Arizona Kicker, l4S saloons, sixteen gam
bling houses, five stores and population
of $500 souls, most of which will take
1.-THE other road" when the judgment day
arrives. That's all, and those who don't
want to come can stay away
In THE WRoNG.-"l1andsome Charlie"
the genial and enterprising proprietor of
| luC Swan, CullCu UillS OnlCd
and convinced us that we were wrong in
stating that he had killed seven men and
was dangerous character. His list in
cludes only four men, all laid away in self
defense, and so far from being dangerous
he says that he has refused to put up fly
screens this summer out of general pity
| for the poor flies. He also has pictures of
three different angels on the walls of his
bedroom
| We cheerfully make the correction, not
because the gentleman subscribed for five
copies of The Kicker to be sent to his
friends and gave us II $50 "ad," which will
be found elsewhere, but because we wish
to do all men justice.
| FAIR WARNING.-Ben Stays, the eating
house man, has made public threats to
wiring our nose in the streets. The trouble
dates back to II year ago, when Ben tried
to pass some cactus soup on us for mock
| turtle.
Ben may attempt to wiring our nasal or
gan. He may even figure that he can sue
coed. We give him fair warning, however,
that he'll have to be prepared to dodge six
bullets, and if he doesn't happen to be
quick enough it won't make us feel very
| bad,-Detroit Free Press