The Hawaiian gazette., 1889-04-23

D4uhS- Dllb huSblu Nlu-
Mr. C.-Young man, you make
me tired. Perhaps you'd like tc
4 give me some more points on pedi
! grees; perhaps you want to tell me
that the Auditor-General and the
Postmaster-Ge and the Col
lector OF Customs and the Marshal
are bean eaters.
! Jinks-Well. amt they L?
Mr.. C.-Ain't they Young man
a fellow that starts out to make
( points on other people on account OF
their nationality who don't know
anything more about the facts than
you do deserves to have his life in
sured in the Buncome Insurance Co.
l can't wish you any worse fate.
Why, man Austin was a whaling
captain around these waters in 1913.
and then afterwards he was a patent
/ lawyer in New York. and never was
/ in New England in his life except
on visit, and the Auditor General
IS a Kanuck-a regular down east
blue nose from the Bay of Fundy;
and Wundenberg, he looks like a
New England parson. and has a
/ sanctimonious manner about him,
but, bless you, he was born on Kauai.
His mother was British and his
father was first cousin to Bismarck,
and when Bismarck gets through
gobbling up Samoa you'll see him
come Waiting into the harbor here
and setting up Fred as Emperor of
the Pacific for all l know. And then
there's the Marshal-he's Johnny
Bull, and his clerk Sam Graham is
another Kanuck from away back;
and the Collector-General- a
Yank with a vengeance. Great Scott,
Cleghorn a Bostoner Good honest
Scotch oatmeal nourished his vitals
when he was a squaling infant. He
a bean eater That's the best yet.
And then there's Preston and Bick-
erton in the Supreme Court, and
Captain Mist in the Foreign Office,
and Robertson in the Finance Office,
and Scrimgeour and Wodehouse in
the Post Office, and Jim Smith in
the Education Office, and Charlie
Creighton in the Marshal's Office,
and Tom Thrum and Malcolm Brown
in the Registry Office, and Johnny
Rothwell In the Interior Office,
Britishers, sir, "blarsted Britishels"
every one Of them; and there's
Lucas in the water office-he's des-
cended from an Irish King, and
Sam. Chillingworth the new Deputy
Sheriff of Maui and Langly in the
Custom House, they are both Tip
perary Fenians; and Charlie Wilson
his grandfather was an English
missionary down in Tahiti, and
Pierre Jones in the Education Office
he's FrenchInan; and Atkinson,
the Inspector General of Schools
he's English from the word go; and
SO is Macintosh, the Principal of the
Royal School; and Police Captain
Larsen, he's from Copenhagen, of
good old Danish pirate stock. Why,
man, the Americans have put three
fourths of the capital and nine tenths
of the brains into this country, sir,
and yet when it came to dividing up
the offices the Britishers made such
a scramble for Office that the United
Statsers couldn't see the offices for
the dust, and when the thing had
kind of settled down, the American
office-holders were scarcer than hens
teeth, and now you and the Bulletin
and few more scabby citizens are
raising a howl because the American
citizens have got anything to say at
all. I'm an American citizen, right
from the top Of Bunker Hill monu-
ment, sir! And I'd have you to under
stand that, by Jimmie Blaine and
the great American Eagle, 1 think
it's about time Americans and the
United States began to take hold
and look out for their interests: and
any man who has the face to come
in here and tell me that this govern
ment has been captured by the
Americans and that they are run
ming it for their own benefit to the
exclusion of other nationalities, in
spite of the facts which are standing
out as plain as the nose on your face,
then l say that man has got such a
development of gall |
that his hide isn't big enough to hold |
either digestion or brains, and he |
isn't a safe insurance risk, so you |
can just pick yourself up and dust
out Of here double quick
Bumps had already got outside of
the door when war was first declared, |
and Jinks now slowly tottered out,
looking as though the street roller
lad run over him. As he reached
5he sidewalk Bumps smilingly greet
ed him and said, Hurry up, Jinks,
cts 20 around and see about those
offices, or we may be too late"
Casting a look of unutterable re-
1roach on his friend, Jinks huskily |
whispered: Get me a 'spress-take
ne home-ice on my head-Bis-
narck's cousin-Bunker Hill-bean
,ater! Oh-h-h-h" and with long
iuttering sigh like the rustic of a
weary cockroach folding its tired
wings, Jinks sank to the pavement
n a dead faint.
Thus endeth the Calathumpian
iction.