davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

jest halter call me Miss Jedge. Amt
you gcin' to love me jest little?'
She attempted to put her arms about
my neck. Keep away from me- cried,
or shall be compelled to hurt you. Get
out of this ROOM
natral right to be in here. We have
picked her out for you and you must take
her. Thar amt pearter woman nowhar
than she is, let me tell you. She ken
skin squirrel like shuckin' wear of
corn and barbecue shote in way that'll
make yo' mouth run cPar water like a
0liin' spring. Bill Slater, you Jest draw
up the dockyment right here, and Brother
steve Moss, you j'ine their hands and
turn loose the ceremony. Now, look
mere, Jedge, don't caper none, and don't
Try to break yo' way outen here, fur eff
you do you'll git hurt. Canyin, don't
snoot the ledge lessen he tries to git
away
81 saw that to use argument would be
useless and that it would be dangerous to
use force. l would resort to stratagem.
Gentlemen said /, marriage is a
serious and sacred institution and
therefore pray that you grant me time
TO consider it. This woman may be an
excellent lady indeed; more than all you
claim for her. but must mediate upon
a step that involves so much; therefore
give me until tomorrow morning.
But said the foreman, suppose you
don't come 80 the right conclusion
I'm that event. pleasantly answered,
you would doubtless permit me to resign
my office and return home
Wall, l reckon not. We.have tuck
such likin' to you that we all deter
mined that you shall marry an settle
down among us. On, we pear sorter
curious in our ways tell folks understand
us, but when you do git to know us why
we air as clar as dew drap. Gentlemen,
shall we give him till tomorrow mornin's'
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

If they are so glad to see Judge
come among them why did they chase
away young jackson who came up here
to hold court last fall?'
"Why bless yo' life, Jedge, they didn't
chase jackson away. We was all
powerful glad to see him and was maxim
fragments to make his stay powerful
pleasant, but he gethered up his buds
and slipped away from us. Hope you
want sarye us SIGH trick ez that, Jedge.'
''Old Dicks appearance was rather COM
ical--he wore q bandless white cotton
hat, and harnessed up his flax trowsers
with his bed tick gallusses' until he
was robbed of the last resemblance to
the shape of a man-but there was about
him an air of good humor which l could
not but admire. and an aspect of sincerity
which awakened my respect. The next
day after my arrival / had q number of
written notices posted up stating that
court would be held on the fol owing
Tuesday, and that large turnout was
earnestly requested. The day arrived
and the house was crowded appointed
the county officers, selected the Grand
Jury, and after adjourning for the day,
congratulated myself upon having done
more than had hiterto been accomplished
towards reclaiming a judicial everglades.
THAT night had retired to my room
and sat down to smoke q cigar, when
lOuU LrhHlpluk Ill Tie udllWuy uTOuSeu
me. Come in called when q heavy
thump shook the door. The Grand Jury,
the County Clerk, Prosecuting Attorney,
the Sheriff and old Dick, my landlord,
entered the room.
"Jest keep on settin,' said the fore
man of the Grand Jury, when | arose.
we amt got long to stay an dou't mind
standing up. We've come to tell you
that we like you mighty we'll, Jedge'
" i am grateful, assure you
eyes, we lowed you mout be. We
like YOU so well that we want you to stay
among u.s.
" 4 am thankful / must say
eyes, we lowed you mout be. You
ken make mighty fine people outen us eff
you take right sorter steps, and we be-
lieve you will
"T shall endeavor to do SO, SIR
's'Yes, we lowed you mout. Thar is
only one drawback about you. Jedge.'
"'What is thatY
"'Well, you amt got no wife. You see
we dom believe that a feller's MORN hal
a man till he's married, and we've got a
law here among ourselves that says a
man mustn't try to be the ringleaders in
nothin' till arter he has dun picked him
up some sort of chunk of wife. Now,
we have all agreed that you air willin' to
do almost anything for the good of this
here community, and with that end in
view we have picked out a woman-no
SLOUGH nuther, let me say-that we think
will make you snatchin' good wife,
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

men, it is the duty of the neighbors to
settle 1t; that when q man steals hog,
he deserves a severe whipping; that
when he steals a horse he must be hanged,
and that when he kills some one, the case
must be fairly argued among the neigh
bors and then suffered to drop peaceably,
Many attempts have been made to en-
force the laws enacted by the Legislature.
and several log court houses were built
many years ago, but as the people would
not select judge from among them
selves, the Governor of the State was
compelled to fill the Office by appoint
ment; and, as no lawyer of experience
would accept the charge, the selection al
ways fell on some young fellow who had
just graduated. A few weeks ago, John
Spillers went up to take charge of the cir
cult. Day before yesterday he returned
to Lamsville. When asked why he had
so soon abandoned the Rock Rib Circuit,
well, l found the people to be some
what peculiar"
Were they violent in any wayP'
"Oh, no, they were exceedingly gentle. !"
"But did they object to you holding
court?"
mot in the least; indeed, they appeared
to be pleased that l had come among
them.n
why then did you leave? Why didn't
you remain and discharge your duty?"
well, I'll give you an account of the
whole affair. Upon arriving in the
neighborhood of the circuit engaged
board, shrewdly too, thought, with old
the circuit. I explained my mission to
him and asked his advice. | thought he
was flattered at so great confidence in
his wisdom, for a smile broke through
the tangled hair about his mouth as he
answered.
Law me, thar amt much advice to
give. Jest appint yo' sheriff, fix up yo'
gran jury an git right down to bust
ness"
Do you think there will be any oppo-
sition to me9'
N"'Why, bless your soul, lissen at the
Jedge. Why the folks will all be mighty
nigh tickled to death to see you.'
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
FUN FASHION And FANCY.
Good Reading for Men and Women---Styles in
London and Jersey City---Poetry and Politics
Con1bined---A Bad Country for Justice
Latest Sayings of the Profess
sional Humorist

ure you seem hopelessly lost. 1t was my
misfortune to order some clothing from a
Regent street tailor, and after selecting
the goods l was asked to step into a
back room to be measured. l began
at sonce to divest myself of my coat,
The cutter looked at me in amaze
"ment, told me that was quite UNI
necessary, and proceeded in his own way
and by aid of a tape measure to gauge my
chest. He did not even ask me to button
my coat, but as though he were in hurry
to finish disagreeable job he took my
measure from shoulder to shoulder in a
jiffy, then from my collar button to my
waist, then from my shoulders to my
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

wrist and twirling me around glanced at
the length of my coat, uttered some mys-
FERROUS words to a dull-witted boy who
was jotting down the figures in a ledger,
smiled a self-satisfied smile, and told me
he was sure would like the fit. When
he came to measure me for vest he
slipped the tape measure in under my
coat, measured my chest and waist, and
said he knew exactly the vest wanted
He took one glance at my trousers, meas
ured my right leg from my waist to my
foot and then around the knee, and
said the clothes would be ready the fol-
lowing night l intimated that / was
ment and that | hardly expected the
clothes would suit me. The tailor re-
piled in an unconcerned sort of way
that he was sorry for me, that / was
simply an American, and like all Ameri-
cans had never been used to wearing
clothes that fitted me. He did not con-
slider that any American tailor knew his
business. In the matter of cutting cloth
ing, he said, the London tailors were I'M
surpassed. They never made a coat too
tight for man, and the trousers were
never too small. This afterwards found
to be true, for the coat that was sent to
my hotel would have done duty as a
smoking jacket for Barnum's famous
giant, and the trousers would not have
been bit too small for the fat boy who
measured seventy-ive inches around the
waist. / have the suit of clothes still.
have never worn them but once. and on
that occasion felt myself the laughing
stock of all London.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
A Tale of a Cigarette.

n Aaio OF a ClGarettes
JERSEY CITY, N. j., Oct 5, 1889.
To the Editor of The Sunday Morning Netcs:--
If the enclosed lines should meet with
your approval, should feel highly COM
plimented to see them appear in the col
umns of your valuable paper. M. L. G.
TIT FOR TAT.
know it is awfully bad
To smoke cigarettes so vile;
For I'm only little lad,
Simple and all without guile.
My big sister, oft as she can,
Harps against smoking SO:
Says won't grow man,
But girls-what do they knowi
But really it Is the best joke
When ma knows won't she fume--
For last night saw thick smoke
Coming out OF Fanny's room.
There with the gas down low,
And cigarette, sat Fan.
"Oh Fam cried, don't you know
You'll never be man"
MIC.
There is some wit and more promise in
them.-[ED. SUNDAY MORNING NEWS.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
SONGS OF THE DAY.
An Ode to the Southern Girl and
One to the Irish Daisy


The Dance of the Daisies.
So, my pretty flower-follr, you
Are in mighty iutter;
All your nurse, the wind, can do,
Is to scold and mutter.
"we intend to have ball
CHATS why we are fretting),
And our neighbor flowers have all
Fallen to regretting.
''Mahy butterfly we send
Far across the clover.
tThere'll be wings enough to mend
When the troubles over).
MANY butterfly comes home
Torn with thorns and blighted,
Just to say they cannot come
They whom we've invited.
''Yes, the roses and the rest
OF the high-born beauties
Are engaged, of course, and pressed
With their stately duties.
''They're at garden parties seen;
They're at court presented:
They look prettier than the Queen!
lStrange that's not resentedl.
Peasant-fowers' they call us-we
Whose high lineage you know
We, the ox-eyed children (seeD
VI OiyHpiaH Juno.
Qdere the daisies all made eyesi
And they looked most splendid,
AS they thought about the skies,
Whence they were descended)
I'm our sanity island (hushD
Never crawls viper,
Ho, there, Brown-coat! that's the thrush
He will be the piper.
SIN this Irish island, oh,
We will stand together.
Let the loyal roses go;-
We don't care feather.
Strike up, thrush, and play as though
All the stars were dancing.
So they arel And-here we go
Isn't this entrancing?"
Swaying, mist-white, to and fro,
Airly they chatter,
And the daisy dance, you know,
Is pleasant matter
Sarah N. B. Plat in August 81. Nicholas.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

w 1dDs l. eACldlllCNl.
''"Thar, now; thar, thar. Keep puff
eckly cool. What we've did we've did
for yo' good and the good of the commu-
nifty. and we have been app'inted to take
kere of the best interests of the neighbor-
hood. Now, this lady we've picked out
will make fust-rate wife-we know she
will, fur she's been tryin' to git married
fur long time She's out thar now.
Dick, tell Moll to come in here
my landlord stepped out into the pas
sage, and moment later, upon re-enter-
ing the room, was followed by the most
repulsive creature l have ever seen. 1t
would be impossible to describe the ugli-
ness of her face. Her expression of coun-
tenance reminded me of an irritating
scar; her hair was like an UNFINISHED
rope, and yellow tusk lifted her lip into
a repellant snarl.
"tHere, MoIl,' cried the foreman.
Come an see the man what's goin' to
marry you. What do you think OF him,
anyhow
Think he's pow'ful nice. whut's
yo' name sides ledger
" 1T does not concern you what my
name is / answered. drawing back.
"'Qh, then | reckon the peopss will
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06


LONDON, Sept. 2s, 1889. THE English
man should be the best dressed man in
the world, but ne is not. After a close
inspection of the wardrobe of the various
Englishmen whom have met am in
clined to think. indeed, that they are the
poorest dressed. Their clothes are ILL
lifting and lacking in what Americans
call style" Seen for the first time in
Piccadilly, Pail Mall, Hyde Park and the
various country houses and summer re-
sorts the English women seems to be
worse dressed than her lord and master.
Indeed, she appears to bea dowdy
A new color, new style of bonnet, a
new veil or some one article of women's
dress will become the rage in Paris. The
next year you will find it the rage in New
York. the following year you will find it
will drift as er West as Chicago, and BY
the time the wave of popularity has car
RED it to San Francisco it will become
known in London and the English wo-
men will take it up. 1t will be the rage
there and will run its slow length until
finally it reaches Berlin and Vienna. One
would naturally think that the English
women who adore the French styles-and
they all do-would follow the Parisians
more closely. English women come to
Paris, look at the style. shrug their
shoulders, think they are too loud and go
home again.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

senting great naval battle. But these
fasions are only the absurdities of old
timed styles and some colts were really
picturesque. Greek women in particular
arranged the hair gracefully, and who
could help but admire the pretty colts Of
the days of Juliets
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
Her Taking WAYS.

The fair shopllfter makes us feel
Both horror and amaze,
And yet we have some pity, too
She has such taking ways.
Dry Goods Economist.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
THE ROCK RIB CIRCUIT.
They Never Shot a Judge Down
There; They Just Found a
Wife for Him.
copyright 1891

1t seems to be impossible to get judge
to stick to the Rock Rib Circuit. This
judicial path runs through three Of the
most obscure counties OF Kentucky. The
people, though mot positively vicious. OBJ
ject to what they term the pickering
strings OF tli4 law. They believe that
when difference occurs between two
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
Economical. YerY.

Manager (despondently)-I have spent
thousands ON this piece, and it is failure.
Friend-You didn't spend in the right
way. You want at least twice RS many
chorus girls. They don't cost much.
Manager-But the costumes, my dear
sir. the costumes.
Friendship mp the old ones and make
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

young man." said the long haired
passenger to the occupant of the seat
ahead, "do you know that I've never
spent dollar for liquor in my whole
life?'
Really" responded the young man.
turning halfway round with look Of
great interest on his face, show do you
work it?n-Lifc.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

The Southern Girl.
Her dimpled cheeks are pale;
She's lily of the vale,
Not a rose.
In a muslin or lawn
She is fairer than the dawn
To her beaux.
Her boots are thin and neat;
She is vain about her feet,
1t is said.
She amputates her RS,
But her eyes are like The stars
Overhead.
On balcony at night,
With fieecy cloud of white
Round her hair.
Her grace, ahl who could paintS
She would fascinate saint,
declare.
'Tis a matter of regret
She's bit of coquette
Whom sing.
On her cruel path she goes,
With half dozen beaux
On her string.
But let that all pass by,
And her maiden moments fly,
Dew-empearled.
When she marries. on my life,
She will make the dearest wife
In the world.
Teie,,,.e Hon.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
. Paradox.

There is one startling paradox,
Deny it if you can.
That when a mans in liquor.
That liquors in the man.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
STOLEN HUM0R.
Scraps Of Fun Picked from Papers
All Over the Country.
No Wonder He Asked.

No Wonder He Asked.
Scribbles-Where's the foreman of the
composing room?
Editor-Oh, he's gone off on vacation.
"For his healthS"
eyes. In our Weekly Theatrical Cos
SIP the copy l gave him to
set up read Miss de Rouge
the opera queen. mas some no
asked for vacation. ''-TeGas Stfttngs.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

1t is sad indeed when aspoet fired
With strange, uncomfortable wish to sing,
Stops in the midst of his song inspired
To wonder how much spot cash it will bring
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

AN ENGLlSH Ct)SIUME.
The New York women compare favor
ably in the matter of dress with any
women in the world, and when their
gowns are made by dreSSmaker who
knows how to drape them well and how
to fit them they look as natty as their
French sisters, but the English woman is
never so stylish as Partisan or an Amer
lean. She likes to wear her gowns looser
and she has other ideas about health and
comfort that the French woman and the
American do not relish. In truth it may
be said that the English woman is a
dowdy.
The Prince of Wales is commonly re-
ported to be the best dressed man in Lon
don. There are better dressed men than
the Prince of Wales on Broadway in New
York every day in the week. They may
not have as elaborate wardrobe as his
Royal Highness, but they show better
taste. The Prince is said by those
who know something about his do
nestle affairs to have at least two
hundred pairs of trousers, five hun
bred waistcoats, and SO many frock coats,
jackets and cutaway coats and other
things that he has lost track of them.
However, he often appears to good adj
vantage. / saw him a few days ago in a
frock coat buttoned SO tight at the waist
that 1T seemed to me that he wore corsets.
1t showed his form to good advantage.
He wore light-colored striped trousers, a
shiny beaver hat, patent leather boots
with white over CATERS, and on his hands
white kid gloves with black stitching.
With the exception of his gloves he
might have been said to be well dressed,
but there is no law under the sun which
permits even Prince to wear white kid
gloves in midday. 1t is quite the
fashion. however, for the swells
of London to wear white
kid gloves. and at EPSON
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06


Mr.. Chugwater Qaying down the morn
ing paper and shaking his head pensively)
How strangely that thirteen" super
stition keeps coming up! Something
have just read reminds me of O sight /
saw yesterday. A gang Of men were
carrying large iron column across the
sidewalk. ] had to wait till they got out
of the way. / couldn't help thinking
what terrible accident might happen If
any of them should stumble, and before
/ knew 1t | was counting them. There
were exactly thirteen Just as they got
to the outer edge of the walk one of the
mem
Mrs. Chugwater and the children
(breathlessly)-Yes
Mr.. Cnugwater (picking up his paper
again)-Called OUTLET FER go, boysr'
and they dumped it on the ground with
out the slightest accident. You see you
can't always
Mrs. Chugwater and the children (dis-
appointed and indignant)-Now that's
real meani-Chicag0 Times.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
Correct.

Teacher-Is it proper to say, Peaches
is better than watermelonsS
Johnnie (who evidently has his likes
and dislikesl-No, ma'am.
Teacher-Well, you may correct the
sentence.
Johnnie-Watermelo is better than
peaches.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

The Best Plan.
Yellowly-You say your life is made
burden by bill collectors?
Brownly-Itis.
WHY don't you adopt my plan OF
getting rid of 'em2
B. (eagerly)-Hal what is your plan?
Y.-My plan works to a charm After
putting it in operation they never trouble
me again.
B.-Good. my boy. What is your plane
VI pay 'em.-Bostorl Courier.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06
An UnbearabIe Insult.

An Unbearab1e Insult.
Miss Terrier Jefferson exhibiting her
engagement ring)-Mistah jewellah, am
dat ar ring a slap up simon puah Rhine
stone!
eweller-Undoubted
"I'll cahve do gizzard outen dat med
dlesome Sal Washington. She done an
tot me it want muffin but imitation
diam ond.-The Jclpellers' Weekly.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

them over for the whole lot. You need
not buy another yard and you will sue
coed, l promise you.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

Downs, Goodrich and Ascot, and in Hyde
Park men who pretend to style are seen
wearing them. 1t may be because the
Prince of Wales is the heir-apparent to
the throne that he cares nothing about
what people say of him. One day last
week he wore q low-crowned hat and a
frock coat, lack of taste inexcusable
even in Prince The sanie week he was
seen on the street with double-breasted
re- Yer and q pearl-colored high-crowned
hsrs, also inexcusable, as all persons OF
taste will agree. If the matter of good
taste is to be considered it is safe to say
that not one of the hundreds of young
men in New York who pretend to swell
dom would for a moment think of trans
crossing the laws as the Prince did on
these two occasions.
But il the Englishman is not well
dressed it Is his own fault. Nowhere in
the world is there such stock of cloths,
plaids, cheeks and suitings TO select from
as in London. In America we have no
such assortment as Is exhibited in the
swell tailor's shops of Regent and Oxford
streets, and the prices are very much
lower than In New York, Boston, Phila-
delphia or Chicago. The trouble seems
20 be that there are no tailors in England
who know how to cut mems garments.
You can buy q good suit of clothing In
any style YOU may desire for from Sl5 to
$50. a $50 suit of clothes is something
that only the most reckless of the gilded
youth of London would think OF ordering,
hut the tailors when they come to meas
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

i The True Way.
Sonny, how can I get to the railway
station from herep'
"Haye you got a carriage?"
mo, my little lad"
"Oh, then you'll have to waikiki
disappears whistling a very popular
melody.)-Ltfe.
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

81 heard you kissed the prettiest girl in
the room, at the party last night" OBJ
served an Austin youth to his CON-
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

We'll, did, tor a fact. What of itS"
80, nothing; only I'd just like to know
how you felt during the sweet oscula-
The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1889-10-06

"Felt like a beefsteak.
alike a beefsteaks"
Eyes. Smothered in onions. "-Teras