Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-05-10
THE JOLLY J0KERs

IGBA eco men object TO tobacco
sm0ke-when 1t is their own factory
that Is on fire.
WHEN you cut into an apple you dc
not necessarily cut an apple In two
Y09lkers Statesman.
WOMEN, it is said, live longer than
men. This may be true, but of course
they never get 50 old.
HONESTY is the best policy. The res
son we don't hear more about it Is prob
ably because 1t has expired.
WESTERN tourist-Got much stock
on hand? Ranchman-Nope, got a right
smart bunch on foot, though
HoBBs-Don't you think QuobBs
quite q promising writer? Bobbs-I
should say so. Every time he sends
me letter he promises to pay.
A GLANCE at the marriage announce
ment columns In the New York news
papers shows that tie-ups are still
prevalent In that city. The clergy en-
courage them, too.
Mn. GIBBS (meeting his son late at
night)-Where are you going at this
time of night, John? On no good err
rand, I'll warrant. John-NO, sir; I
was going to look for You.
WILLIAM MERLE SMITH, formerly
pitcher Of the Princeton University
baseball team, has delivered his first
sermon as n New York pastor. His de-
livery Is swift, but not puzzling.
SHE (softly)-I shall never forget
this highland the bali. He (tenderly)
Tell me why. She-And that last
waltz He-You delight me! She
fmOre softly than ever}-Yes, you've
about smashed two of my toes.
WIFE-Here it is 1 o'clock. What
have you got for an excuse this time
Husband was to wrestling
match. " Wife-Yes, that's good.
guess by the looks of your clothing
that the other fellow won every fall.
BoBBY-Say, Mr.. Updyke, what do
you suppose Clara said about you Just
before you came in? Mr.. Updyke-I
haven't an idea IN the world, Robert.
Bobby (amazed) ~ Whew! You've
guessed it. That's just what she said
"How COULD you help that Mrs.
Proudly dress for the opera when YOU
hate her SOP" asked Maude. "Be-
cause" replied Bessie, 81 wanted to
get a chance to put pin IN her dress
so that it would be sticking her in the
back all evening.
GLHOOLY-Its seems to me that there
are fewer marriages than ever before.
wonder what Is the cause of it? Gus
De Smith, young ladies would learn
to stick q pin in their apron-strings so
that 1t wouldn't scratch fellows wrist,
there would be more marriages.
De BIGsBY-What makes you so
down in the mouth, Rigley? Rigley
with long drawn sigh)-Addition to
fathers family last night. De Bigsby-
Then why the deuce are you so gIum b?
Was it a boy or a girl Rigley-
Neither. Miss Recusant became my
sister.
"Do YOU see that man going toward
the stairway 2" asked one travelling
man of another In the Office of a hotel.
"That big cOlOred man with the check
cred blouse On?" eyes, you might not
think it, but he is man of a great
deal OF polish" "Who is he ?" "He is
the bootblack Of the hotel.
SMART wife-Don't worry, George. Z
wrote an article for the paper to-day
showing how to get up family dinner
for 81, and / took it around and the
editor gave me a dollar. Husband
That's rare piece of good luck. What
are you going to do with the dollar? Il
am going to try that recipe myself and
see if it Will work.
YOUNG wife-Are you the editress Of
the Household Department In the
WOnlG13'S Companion? Mrs. De Letter
Yes; I have had exclusive charge Of
that department. for ten years I am
so glad we are near neighbOrs. I'm sure
you won't object if I run in once IN q
while for little practical help about
cooking, viii you? No, indeed. Come
in whenever you please-that is, after
next week. My cook is away temper
arily, and my husband and I are taking
our meals at a restaurant.
A SUGGESTION.
The old maid sat in her rockingham,
With thimble, and scissors, and thread,
And talked as she seWed, of her neighbOrs'
Till the minister wished he was dead.
But he sat quite still in his patient way,
And heard all her acid talk.
While she pounced on this one. and then on
that,
Like vicious old hook-beaked hawk.
She sewed, as she talked, in a vigorous way.
And pulled the thread through with d jerk
Then she tried the SCISSORS but they were SO
That she never could make them work
@These scissors are dreadfuIly dull, " said she,
As her sewing she augriIy flung
On chair; and the minister Enurmured lows
Then Why don't you use your tongue? ?"
-SonIeTUftle Journal
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