News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-01-10

Mother-Clair, we arc going to have
company for tea now, be sure and do
not ask twice for anything.
Clair-Then don't forget to help mo
twice.
HIS NAME WAS MUD.
"Ma," said Willie, "is man made of
dust }"
eyes, my SON"
"Was that the reason pa said his
name was mud when he forgot his UNI
breIla the other night!'
MUST BE SERIOUS.
Judge Roper of Bowling Green, Ky,
had lust entered his Office the other day,
and had Just begun the investigation of
IN important case, when a man named
Patterson rushed into the room and ex-
claimed :
"Ah, have caught you, have II"
eyes, reckon you have" the judge
answered.
"And sir, howled Patterson, shaking
his fist in the judges face, Z" 1 want to
tell you that you are an internal thief
and an Infamous liar"
A serious expression settled on the
" Patterson" said he, "do you mean
what you say1'
Il do !" Patterson shouted.
"Then it is no iokel"
No." Patterson thundered.
cali right, them" said the Judge.
F'I am glad that you respect one of my
pcculiarities. l could never bear joking.
In this life, Patterson, we should all DO
mantle-piece. Pipe and tobacco in the
window"
NOT THAT KIM.
Purchaser-I've brougl8 these collars
back. They don't sit at all gracefully
on my neck
Clerk-Aw-yes, me deah sir, but you
must remember, they are standing col
lars.-Arg0sy.
AT THE CONCERT.
He is a Philistine OF the Il, epest dye.
The symphony has been played.
'Well," she asks, what do you think
of that 2"
SIT seems to mo that their fiddles
ought to he in tune after all that fuss.
When does the music begin ?"-Ha1pe7'S
Bdzdr.
u
Mistress (after heavy crash in the
kitchen below Gracious, Bridget, L
hope you haven't broken that new vase
l brought home to-day.
Bridget-No, mem; it's one o the i'm
min meringe pies that yes was n-bakin
this afternoon.
BAD ON THE DOG.
Young Wife--Poor Fido! He has
broken out three of his teeth.
Brutal Husband-Yes, | see. / gave
him one of your pancakes for his break
fast.
THE MAN HAD TOLD HER so.
Nistress-Have you washed the fish
Biddv-Shure, mum, what's the use?
Isn't it right out of the water, mum4
CONSIDERED IT A COMPLIMENT TO PAY.
care Won o guest of this house ?"
asked the clerk ut the cigar stAnd of
travelling man.
ga what p
ga guest"
"Oh-no'p-not at all, am simply
permitted to live here-tolerated at the
rate of four dollars per day. ."-Merchant
Ir0CeIIer.
A FRIEND SLIGHTED.
Old Blunder (after getting back from
n twenty years residence in the West,
to son of an old friend)-Whar's your
father living now!
"He's dead"
"Umph. I'd like to see the old man.
Him an me used to be great oronles.
So he's dead, is heF" Umph. It's
strange he didn't let me know of it,
beins we used to be such great friends.
-Kentuchy Stato Jt'T.HaI.
WOULD IT WERE.
"Mamma," said little girl (they were
in the reception room of q fashionable
chiropodist), "isnt this q lovely roomF
And 1 never saw SO many flowers be-
fore" =.
eyes, there's great protuslon of
them"
"Well, mamma, ,are they what the lady
trims the corns with ?"-Ne'0 York.
IN CONFORMITY.
Cowboy, by moonlight on the plains
The preachers say rs how folks die and
go to live i'll tho stars. Can yer bleivo
that, pard?
Partner-It mought be. Bill. Now,
there goes q shootin' star; some cowboy
must hev got sent thar.-ChicGgo Globe.
INAUGURATION FUN.
Old Wheelhorse- sir, I'm going
to Washington next March. Two been
at every Inauguration for the last forty
years.
Bystander Which did you enjoy tho
mOst2
"Well, [ enjoyed Hayes Inaugural
tion the most. That time L had bed on
billiard table and got near enough to
the grand stand TO see tho tops OF tho
hats.-N6Ic Torh Weekly.
A FAMILY TRAIT.
Bloodgood-You never know my
cousin, did you2
Jarvis-No.
Bloodgood he WIS tough one.
Jarvis meditatively)-Ies. should
infer Darlington Free Press.
LAW.
"Will we win our case ?" said the law
yer. "rhe jury decides that we are
damaged to the tune of $4,000 My
charges are plst about that sum-
"But what do | GET" querie1 the
client.
"You, my friend. will receive my re-
ceiptod bill and tho verdict