Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-03-10

all that he learns or imag;nes about
you. You can anticipate him by tell
ing II yourself, and say-if you will permit
an oio friend to drop into the coIloouial
Wnat grlno IL would be on the Chef, or
i Sooh' II you should tell all you know about
MIN: Although, to be sure, it wouldn't do
for the President to take liberties with the
Cook. There were Cooks long before there
were Presidents. Think this over Tfit
| be true, as as has been reported in nrint
that you have an inherited weakness for the
! Demon Pie, YOU will have to make vour
own, and eat it secretly by night, in bed, if
you would keep your weakness from the
world. And even then, the terrible secret
would leak out, in all its sickening details
and with accompanying diagrams-forgive
me that the wicked thought of saying dia-
phragm entered my teeming brain-in the
Sunday papers.
Do not aim to treat all men alike. Why
should you, merely because you are Presi-
| oenU do all men treat you alike? BE
ware OF entrance to o quarrel, but being in,
| shut your eyes and slosh around with both
hsts until you have cleared large circular
space around you as far as you can reach.
The advantage of closing your eyes before
you begin is, that you can't see who you
NIT, and sometimes the man nearest to you
is the man whom you want to hit the hard
est, but being President, you feel that you
can hardly do so, if you know it. Cut this
out and past it in your hat; it may cost
some fellow his head.
JUSTICE TO THE MUGwUMP.
Deal gently with the Mugwump. lost bird
| that moulted out of season and migrated on
mistaken wings; flying south in the very
morn o. the balmiest June-breathed winter
that ever wreathed this continent in summer
L. l.
the air northward when the belated blasts
from the Arctic caves turned all the mists
of spring to frosty rime. The Mugwump
know not what they want. Nor what they
think. Nor do they fully believe
they believe what they believe. Be
kind to the Mugwump; we might
have been born that way ourselves. You
would not be impatient or harsh with an
Indian because his ideas on politics and one
thing and another are vague, and crude,
and amorphous? Then do not be hasty
with the Mugwump; he knows as much as
an Indian. Not so much as all Indians
nor even two Indians, but just one Indian;
and I'll let you pick your Indian. Be Just
sire. Opposition is his native element;
provide him with plenty of it. He thrives,
when he thrives at all, on neglect; see that he
lacks it not, but surround him with glacial
acres of it. He pines for martyrdom; let
him have it, right on the neck.
AS Jeffersonian simplicity died a natural
death some years ago, it will not be neces-
sary for you to shake hands with each unit
in every procession that marches through
the White House. If you shake hands with
man, it seems to me that courtesy de-
mands that you should say something to
him, and, as you won't know his name once
in million times, you will have to say
Mister" which, although refreshingly
democratic, is not exquisitely elegant, and
when repeated several thousand times, is
apt to deteriorate into similarity if not
actual monotony, besides inducing incipient
labial paralysis of the larynx with raucous
tendencies. Moreover, If you begin this
handshaking business, you will be compelled
to make determinations and thereby give
offense, because there are some men whom
you cannot shake.
CIVIL SERVICE REFORM
Don't talk very much about civil service
reform, but do great deal of it. One of
the best ways of securing an efficient civil
service is to carry little pocket guillotine
around with you and keep it oiled. "Work
off, some fellow ''constitutionaIly'' once in
while, just to keep the departments stirred
up to general futter of expectancy, activi-
know why the mountain stage drivers give
the mules the lash while swinging down the
dizzy grades at breakneck speed So that
they won't have time or opportunity to look
around for something TO shy at, and thus 1
pitch coach and passengers over q precipice |
as high as a window on Inauguration day.
The mules mind is kept on the whip; |
he never knows where it may strike |
next, so he keeps right ahead as
fast as he can pick up his feet,
and tends right to his knitting, hoping the
lash may have no need to fall on him. The
most respectful and industrious citizens in
America are the department employees since
election. Their respectful demeanor is
only equalled and their industry only ex-
celled by those patriots who are not depart |
ment employees, but are willing to throw |
aside their foolish scruples and native diff |
dence, and become so. When q man be- |
comes indispensable to the Government. and |
the administration couldn't hold together |
40 minutes without him, and he finds it out,
it's time he was shot-6red, mean. IF |
he does not know how necessary he is, keep |
him, for he is of great value; but so soon as |
he learns what everybody else knows, his |
usefulness begins to wane. However, this |
does not often happen; as a rule, the man |
finds it out long before the rest of us. Some |
times he finds it out when the rest of us |
never do.
GAINS FOR ALL. LOSSES.
And, while dwelling upon this point, re- |
member, no matter what happens. or who |
goes back on you, that you can always get a |
better man than the one you lose The best |
man hasn't been invented yet. There are |
plenty of better men, but no best. Since |
Sullivan was whipped by smaller man,
,k1-
downed at last, and killed himself trying to |
get even. Napoleon was conquered by a |
soldier with not tithe of the great Corsi- |
cans fame; Rome was destroyed by barba- |
rians; and no matter how good man NAV
be, you will always, can always find bet |
ter in the poolroom, or at the Hoffman |
House. There have been but two men |
who excelled all others in their own /
specialties. Adam was the first man
but see how long ago he had to start to ac-
complish this. And how much he missed |
by making such an early start. Got oil his
work done ages before the rest of the world
got out of bed. Methusalah was the oldest /
man, but he had to live till his back ached
to do it. And, then, he isn't sure of it,
after all; we're not through; Hannibal
Hamlin or Mr. Bancroft may break the
record vet. Adam, after all-or rather be-
fore all-is the only man who has a dead |
sure thing on pre-eminence. And Science
says-but no matter what Science says; she
will say just the contrary the next time she
says anything.
THE SURPLUS.
1 was going to give you few valuable
suggestions upon the surplus; 1 know
something about that, as 1 live under the
shadow of the Episcopal Church; but if, as
I have heen intnrmed the CnanressinnaI |