Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1889-02-21


Member OF prominent Athletic Club
Quick man, let me by I'm the hare
and the hounds are just behind me,
don't you know!
Farmer (quietly)-BilI, run and git
Const'be Shivvers twunst. Kings
County crazy house has lost a pet
boarder agin.-Jadge.
STRONG VOICE.
At the Opera. George-Hasn't Miss
Singer a lovely voice. It's so strong,
too.
Thomas-Well, your's would be strong
too, if you ate as many onions as she
does. -Arcola Record.
DEPENDED on THE DISTANCE.
Theatrical Manager ito applicant for
position)-Do you think you would
make good walking gentleman?
Actor (suspiciously) = Um-er-how
far West are you goingl--AeD York
Weekly.
READY WIT.
Judge Duffy gave me an illustration
OF the ready wit of the Celtic race yes
terday. A turbulent Irishman, some
what the worse for liquor, was brought
up before him for disorderly conduct.
1t required the united efforts OF two
bluecoated gents to arraign him at the
bar of justice.
"What brought you herel" asked the
little Judge, cycling the culprlt sternly.
1.-TWO policemen, was the unabashed
answer.
didn't drink have something to do
with til"
"To be sure," quickly responded the
Hibernian. '"rhey were both drunk. =
-Neso York Star.
A CASE OF MUST.
"No, Mr.. Sampson, she said sweet
", al can never be your wife. We
would not be happy. You are too ex-
travagant in your habits.
"Extravagant no repeated. "You
have been misinformed, Miss Lulu. |
am as economical as Brooklyn deacon.
Why, have to be"
"Then can never be your wife, Mr..
Sampson"
because / am economical
No, because you have to be econom-
ical. "-ORee Week.
ALAS
Full many gem, flehcd from the dealers
The dark and dismal pawnshops hold with
care:
Full many n stolen watch is placed in hook.
Where three balls dangleo'er the thorough
fare.
NOTHING TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
Editor Ito gentleman just arriveD-
We don't want any poetry.
Gentleman-Nol
Editor-Nor prose.
Gentleman-Nol
Editor-Nor blank verse.
Genileman-Howw would tvo-dollar
bill suit you for years subscription in
advance.
Editor-Why, my dearsir, why didn't
you say so at first2 Go Office boy
James, give this gentleman couple OF
chairs and the floor to spit on.-
Epoch.
THE DEAcoN's PARROT.
The pleasing story of Deacon Staples's
parrot is being told in Boston nowadays,
aud 10 worth reteliing here. One day,
when the Deacons wife was doing up
pickles, the parrot, when her back was
turned, stole pickle from the dish.
Mrs. Staples turned in time to see the
theft, and threw a knife at the parrot
with such force and accuracy that it
took all the feathers smoothly OF the
birds head. For days the parrot was
disconsolate at the loss of his topknot,
but recovered in course of time. Soon
afterward clergyman came to spend
Sunday at Deacon Staples's, and the
parrot was in the dining room when the
guest came TO breakfast. The parson
was bald; his head was as smooth as
door knob. The parrot looked ut him
with interest, and then, as heads were
bowed while the minister said grace, the
bird screamed with distinctness.
cha We old scamp Been stealth
pickles !"
LINES, BY BRUTE.
Oh. woman, in our hours ease.
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
And always in the wrong
When pain and anguish wiring his brow,
You go to sleep and don't care how
The old man gets along.
ITS REDEEMING FEATURE.
"Oh, the terrible pawnshopsl" said
the actress to Paperwate, who had res
cued her diamonds. "What tales OF
misery those places could unfold had
they tonguesl"
"Even pawnshop has its redeeming
feature" responded Paperwate.
"What is it, I'd like to know"
''The ticket.
LENGTH AND BREADTH.
He-My views on social reform are
quoted in full.
She-Wasn't it very long speech
you made?
He Why, no; wasn't aware of say
ing very much.
She-N-no, you didn't say very much.
was referring to the length OF the
speech.-Lye.