Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-01-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

can.
Tom Bigbee-I say, Epson, what
would you do il you had million dol
larsp Epson Downes-Nothing.-
Puck
A lot of little bootblacks perched on
a curbstone may not be India rubber
boys, yet they are gutter perchers.-
! Teas Syttngs.
Teacher-Willie, what is the Capital
of CanadaP Willie-The money taken
there by United States fnanciers and
boodlers.-Life.
The poetess who sings that she was
kissed by the waves" probably fell
overheard near the mouth of a river
Binghanaton Republican,.
1t is all very well to pay as you go.
but if you have no baggage the hotel
proprietor would rather you would pay
when you arrive Pittsburg Chronicle.
Hall clock-rm getting tired of this
ceaseless round, aud I'm going to stop.
Gas meter-Huh! Come down here if
you want to know what work is
Philadelphia Record.
Dude-Aw-Miss, may I awsk what
you call your dawg? Pretty girl
have named him after that new Indian
province-Sik him! Dude-Wow.-
Detroit Free Press.
Adolphus-Estelle, if you do not
love me [ will blow my brains out
here-right away! Estelle-Dont,
please! You might make speck on
the carpet.-The Idea.
Mr.. Lik, the Charge d'Affaires of the
Corean Legation, is no relation to Mr..
and Mrs. Boot Lik, who are well known
in Washington social and political cir
cles.- Washington Post.
All the speeches and addresses de-
livered during the last twenty years or
SO by Albert Edward are to be publish
ed. They will be known as the prints
of Wales.-PhitadeLphta Ledger.
Smith Ito miIkman)-I'll have to ask
you to chalk it up. Milkman Cab
stractedly)-O, that's all been attend
ed to-o-er-beg your pardon; GER
tainly, take your own time.-LJe.
You're an angelr' said he, unre-
gardedly. mo, I'm not" she re-
sponded with conviction. ''Im a
woman, and | want new winter suit
before the snow flies, sure. "-SOn1er-
ctLLe Journal.
Shakespeare was slightly mixed in
his "Seven Ages" 1t is the "whining
schoolboy" whom the maternal eve has
detected in some fragrant act of DISC
bedience that ''shifts into the slippered
pantaloon. "-Puc6.
Husband Robert Elsmere" is get
ting talked about more than any book
know of. Wife (disappointedly)-
Yes, and it isn't bit naughty, either.
I've read it through from Preface to
Finis.- Washington Post.
Young DR.. B. is run down with bus
mess. s'You must earn a mint of
money" said friend to him one day.
"Not at all; my patients don't pay"
"Nop But their heirs ought to stand
something handsome" -Judge.
La Fiancee-Do you know. Clarence
dear, that when you gave me your first
kiss | was so astonished that nearly
went crazy! Clarence-Ah, yes, dar-
ling! I should have known better
than to give you only one.-Lye.
Lawyer-You want suit brought
against defendant for breach of prom
iseP He asked you plainly to marry
him? Young lady-H.e said he want
ed me to be his typewriter. Lawyer.
We can get $4,000 sure.-Denver Re
publican.
Mother-''Goodness me! Is that
Irene at the piano?" Little son
Eyes; ma" well, 90 ask her what
she is doing. If she is practicing, she
can keep on until the hour is up; but
if she is playing, tell her to stop
PhiJadel DIti0 Record.
Miss Mahoney Ga boarding-school
graduate, TO her father)-O, papa,
won't you do something for US? My
best friend, Mr.. Gilhooly. is in a terrible
dilemma. Mr.. Patrick Mahoney-Bad
LUX to i'm, Biddie. An how long is
he in for?-W Washington Post.
Mr.. De Dude Ito his best girls little
brother)-I notice you always come
into the parlor to amnse yourself with
me while your sister is dressing. Little
brother OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES else is
there for me to do? Pop won't buy
me donkey. PHILADELPHIA Record,
Judge-Prisoner, you set about this
man, shamefully abusing and nearly
killing him. Now what have You to
offer in extenuation? Prisoner
Honor, he was reciting a campaign
poem, and Judge-That is enough.
/ The prisoner is discharged idea.
Wife Cat breakfast table)-George,
dear, why do all the defaulting bank
cashiers from the Far West go to Can
ada? Husband (who is Emeritus Pro-
fessor in Geography)--Because, my
| dear, though there is less longitude
there they must have more latitude =
Puck.
81 haven't seen Miss Gushy since |
returned from Europe" remarked
young Shallow. al wonder what she
will think of the mustache have rails
edP" eff she is as affectionate as she
! used to be to me-" returned Merritt,
81 should say she would be tickled to
death. '-Nea0 York San.
Tramp (to partner)-Did the old
man give US anything. Bill? Part
ner-Naw. Tramp-What did you say
to him? Partner-I asked him if he
could help poor man who was out OF
/ work, and he said he could give me
some work. Times seem to be gettin'
wuss every day.-Loaadon 1ld-Bits.
Tubley-WelI, my little man, what
would you do with a 10-cent piece If |
should give it youP Freddie would
put it in the little brass ship that papa
| gave me for bank. Tubley-That's
right. You are papa's own boy. He
puts his money into schooner almost
.c<l,t LIcop Prpca