Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1889-10-05
VARIETIES.

| 49,
on land.
The darkest night is but the token
of bright day. The outlook is never
so dark but there is the sign of dawn.
20, Teddy don't get up into that
chair with your feet y "But, mamma,
| tan't take them Off" came the quick
response.
"What makes you so cold, Eve ?"
inquired Adam solicitonsly.
81 rather think" she replied, chat
lis due to the late fall"
"Sonny, how can / get to the rail-
way station from here ?" "Haye you
got a carriage sir ?" "No, my lad"
"Oh, then you'll have to walk"
A prophecy-Frank (persuasively)
"ma, dear, only say yes, and there will
another" (Newsboy, outside.) "Big
breach of promise case. Extra p
"There," said the new lady of the
castle, "are the graves of the former
owners ancestors. "My ancestors"
she added proudly, care all living"
The man who carefully closes the
door after him all Summer is about
shedding his shell, aud will now sys-
tematically leave the door wide OPEN
Father (regretfully)-"I fear, my
son, You will never set the river on
fire." Son (refectively)-"Not if l
wait for you to cut the kindling, dad"
A stout lady getting oat of a
crowded omnibus exclaimed, "Well,
that's a relief anyhow. $50 the
horses think, mum responded the
driver.
"Can you tie true lovers knot,
my dear p inquired Merritt. "No
replied Mamie, hiding her bushes
with her fan, "but our new clergyman
can do it very nicely"
Mr.. Suburb-Uncle 'Rastus, | wish
you'd go over to my place and clean
out my hen house.
Uncle 'Rastut with grin What
in broad daylight, sac :?
Pompous Party.So you are the
exchange editor, young man. Nauti-
cally speaking, you are clipper2
Shearnelle-No. Inasmuch as [ ply
the scissors for Lying, | am reve-
nue. cutter.
"Why is it," demanded the lecturer
in stentorian tones, "that we see SO
many brutish-looking men in the bar
rooms of our cities2" "Don't know"
replied stubby faced man in the gal
lery, "unless it is that you go there"
A Cincinnati saIoon-keeper the
other day paid dollar for sealed
envelope containing directions that
would enable him to sell more beer.
When he opened it he found upon a
small card these words: "Don't sell
so much froth."
"Bobby-"Ma, did pa spend a good
deal of time at the dentists when he
was ia New York ?" Mother-"I
didl't know that he was at the dentists
at all, Bobby. Why :" 81 heard him
tell Mr.. Smith that it cost him over
two hundred dollars to get his eye
teeth cut"
After scratching his head and
thinking for some moments, Grand
Rapids boy said to his mother: IF
God makes a stock Of little boy and
girls babies and gives them to mar.
ried folks it seems funny t. me that
they look so much like their papas
and mamm.,s every time"
We owe respect to the man who,
however ignorant, makes no false pre-.
tense, but strives to repair his defici-
encies by attentive listening or modest
questions; but We can have only scorn
for the conceited assumptions of one
who strives to make his narroWness
appear broad, and his shallowness
deep.
"Did you know, Mrs. Thickly," said
that lady's pedantic husband, "that
man is an animal p
Yes | did," replied she; "and
what's more, know that some ami
mails is dumb animals, and that some
men is dumber than all the dumb ami
mails put together That may not be
grammar, but it's facts"
Tramp-"Excuse me, sir, but may
speak to you moment ?"
Citizen-"What do you want2 A
dime to get drink ?"
Tramp-"No, sir. | have not fall
len so low as that. But assure you,
sir, that if you wish to ask me in to
take drink as one gentleman should
invite another you will not hurt my
| feelings in the least
1t is worth knowing that vaseline
has wonderful effect on fine leather,
and it is fast taking the place of all
compounds manufactured for soften
ing the shoes. Take pair of shoes
that have become stiff and uncomfort-
able by constant wear in the rain, and
apply coat of vaseline, rubbing it in
well with cloth. In short time the
leather becomes as soft and pliable as
when taken from the shelves of the
shoe dealer.
A burly Texan went into gamb-
ling house, says the Pttsburg Dispatch
and, after sitting of couple of
hours. arose $4,000 winner and de.
handed gold for his chips. The
"banker" began fumbling in his
drawer, ostepsibly for the purpose of
getting the money, but, instead,
brought forth an ugly looking six
shooter, and leveling it at the Texan,
| calmly remarked A
81 pay these large amounts in lead 3
In twinkling, and before Il
"baDker" realized what he was doi1
the Texan had him covered,
] on,ork ad =<[<