Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-12-22
THE TOPICAL TALKER,

as he grows up, he learns as schoolboy Il
abhor the multiplication table and to prefer
thrashing any day TO a sum in addition sub
traction or division, the shake Of fate's die
box is pretty sure to land HIM in a profession o.
trade which demands skill in mathematics
Sometimes the man so handicapped stays OF
the course and runs a miserable race dis
tanced because he Is out Of his class. know
man very well, indeed, who, without the ability
to add column of ten figures correctly, was
sensibly dedicated by his parents and guar
dians first to banking. and. upon his utter fail
ure in that capacity. TO the railroad business
He lost one year of his life filling out bills Of
fading with mistakes, giving shipping and
| tracing clerks endless trouble, and bringing
down upon his devoted head the curses of the
biggest lubberly bully he has ever bad the mis-
ual indalges in to-day appear upon his check
book, and he wishes he could enlarge that in.
diligence indefinitely.
| CTILL envy the man-in that ridiculously
discontented way we all Will-who can foot
up two or three columns of figures at once.
There are, / am told, not few men In the rail-
road offices, banks and commercial houses Of
this city who can add from two to even four
columns of figures simultaneously. 1 asked
one of these wonderful beings how he did it,
but all he could or would say was; II don't
know how do it"
Several years ago, while the clerks at the
Transfer station of the Union line we're hard
at work, an old man of somewhat spectral ap-
pearance and great height, with piece OF red
flannel wound around his throat and a ruffied
high silk hat on the top of his long, narrow
head, entered softly. and waited for someone
to speak to him. Transfer agents have no
more time for book agents and other nui-
sances than most people, and the old man
might possibly have been standing there STILL
stroking his hat the wrong way,had not callow
junior asked his business. Without any intro
duction the singular visitor said he should like
to show a system Of footing Of which he pos
sessed the secret.
Let me have that book moment" the
owner of the system said, and the clerk let him
take the account book whose long columns he
was footing up. The old man took look at
the page, on which were many columns of fig
ures running into the millions. and in few
seconds called the totals of them all.
write them down." he said.
mo, sirr' replied the doubling clerk, ST don't
want to spoil the page"
'Wen, then" rejoined the old man, write
these figures down as call them out and then
foot your columns and compare"
The young man did so. and lol the old man
had made no error.
THE other clerks were interested by this
time One of them brought out book
whose pages we're three feet long by four wide.
It was what is known at the Transfer" as
primer If I remember rightly it records the
tonnage, charges and other details of freight
handled. The figures run mp into the millions
and tens of millions. The expert adder took
the book and footing six columns at time
NT.I - -, IL A-A 81 ar ~nH
the clerks could write them down. II was an
old primer and the totals in ink. which had
been covered during the experiment, were
found to tally exactly with the experts.
''Pn teach any man how to do this for S20,"
said he
One of the clerlrs-chosen by them all
agreed to pay the price, and rather think he
handed over the doubloons then and there, a
time and place for the delivery of the secret
having been set
The old man departed with his secret and
has never been seen or heard of since.
80
WHO NAY THE MAIDEN BE?
With gold of sun. and blue of sky,
And amorous winds that wanton fly,
blooming maid of summer time
Supplants the saint of snow and rime;
Makes jest of staid December's pace,
Laughs at his manners elderly,
Nor cares to hide her smiling face
Who may this saucy maiden be2
She's charmed way the winter skies;
The sunlight dances in her eyes
And little spears of em'rald grass
Flash out to hail the fairy lass;
The wond'ring red bird by the creek
Pipes out carol merrily,
And leaves his cedar cave to seek
Who may this sweet magician be?
Who can this sweet magician be9
May, here too soon TO kiss the lea?
To gem the lawn, and fragrance spill d
From apple bloom and daffodil?
'Tis At to puzzle birds and men,
And hutter field and forest tree
But her we warmly welcome when
We wonder who the maid may be.
a LADY is rather unk1ndly denied the use of
strong language. and she is apt to find
some simple substitute. One fair laborer in
the vineyard, far, far away from Pittsburg, has
fallen intO'the curious habit Of using friends
name in vain whenever he is moved to wrath
The friends name is De Armit.
'There is such q sense of satisfaction" she
says, 'in uttering that name, for you know, a
lady is excluded from the privilege of using any
word with a big, big D. and this name of De
Armit answers all practical purposes. When
in perplex1ng situations which would cause q
man to give way to his feelings and utter a
word OF similar sound. gently murmur De
Armik' and am straightWay <felieved-if, as all
gentlemen pretend, it is relief to say those
big words.'
HOW oUAY's NOW PRoNoUNcED.
They do not whisper it by night
They shout it out by day, &
That Presidential tides are curbea
By Mathew Stanley Quay.
Yet better were Quay's name pronounced
aE Rn~ ..1 NN,A
For Harrison is but lock,
And Nj. $. Q.'s the key.
-
IT is alleged that when old Mr. x, a
wealthy iron man, finished one OF those tre-
Jong stories for which he is famous |
he other day, one Of the victims said: "Why. |
Mr. x. must be in his dotageF'
"Anecdotage rather" suggested another VIC
i'm.
N one Of the neighboring towns which have
been earning wondrous fame lately by rea-
ION of the ineficiency of their jails, woman
an up to the police force as he was parading
he street about midnight, and told him there
vas burglar in her house.
Madam" said the police force solemnly,
keep him there. He is better there than in
all"
THE MIST AND THE MIGHT WIND.
The mist rose from the river,
It sifted through the trees,
And wound about the wooded hills
A gray and ghostly ffieze.
And the wiud amid the pine trees hissed
Its lofty scorn OF the valley mist.
Tie mist spread over the valley;
1t swept on quiet wings
Over sedge and marsh ana meadow,
O,er rocks and fairy rings
And the night wind told the trees It kissed,
Its hate for the low-born valley mist.
But when the day was dawning,
The pzind mist grew gold,