Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-11-18

Had no turkey meat to eat.
---------------
Editors are good men because they are
always on the write side.
There is talk of the oyster getting into
a trust. Down with the oyster.
I've had great many trials in my time,
remarked veteran criminal sadly.
Caller-Bridget, is your master in yet?
Bridget-No, sorr, he's out on bail.
Titles of nobility are as old as the hui
man race. Adam was the first bareun.
A summer resort phenomenon-th
longer a man stays the shorter he gets.
Mabel-Amy what has become of your
Anti Slang Society? Amy-Oh, it's in
the soup.
First lobster-Well, what are you going
to do now? Second Iobster-Get dressed
for dinner.
Well, Brown, how do you find yourself?
Never lose myself. If 1 did, suppose
I'd advertise.
The car of Russia blows on a cornet,
and it is suggested that he does it as
safety measure to ward off assassins.
The Emperor William will visit Turkey
this month. Let's see-this is the very
month turkes is goin to visit US, isn't it.
Hear twice before You speak once, says
an English proverb. The common I'M
preston is that most husbands have to.
Old LADY, hope my dear, you never
conceal anything from your husband.
Young Wife-Oh, no; nothing but my
thoughts.
1t is said that the reason a dude wears
single eyeglass is because he can see
more with one eye than he can possibly
understand
Charley, my boy, you are positively
shabby; you ought to get Il new suit. Sh!
don't mention it. My tailor has COM
menced one already.
McCorkle-Isn'tB Briggs naturally a lazy
man? McCrackle-Note exactly lazy but
he seems to think it unhealthy to work
between meals.
Wife (tearfully)-You've broken the
promise you made mel Husband (kissing
her)-Never mind; my dear, don't cry,
I'll make you another.
A.-The weather we have had this sum-
mer has been good for the hay crop. B.
l suppose so. 1t has been raining pitch
forks most of the time.
I'm letting my whiskers grow, sir So
1 see; but L can't permit employees to
grow whiskers in business hours. That
must be done in their own time.
Joe-Your wife looks as fresh as a
morning-glory. Joe-WhY so? Bill
Because she'd shut up at night.
Sambo, would so gold piece stop
your mouth? Sambo-It might, boss,
but Use pow'ful feared it nd leak roun' de
aidges-you bettah try a twenty.
Dear, said physicians wife as they set
in church, there is Mrs. Goldberg sitting
in draught. Never mind, said her hus-
band. 1 will catch that draft later on.
Charming Widow-And what are you
doing nowadays? He-Oh, amusing
myself looking out for number one.
And you? Charming Widow-Looking
out for number two
A druggist says that starting a fly-pa-
per is queer. 1t may be queer, but it is
not so blame expensive as starting a
newspaper, though man is liable to get
''stuck" on both.
Lavina-There can be no mistake, then
You are quite sure Sylvia's young man
plays i'm the band? Maria-Indeed / am
Didn't she herself tell me he was a drum
mer from Boston?
John, see, your little sister is crying
because you did not share your peach with
her. That isn't so, mamma. | gave her
the stone, and if she plants it she can
have a whole tree.
Mr.. Boozy-Boy, what is the score:
Boy-Can't you see the bulletin boards
Mr.. Booty Ga moment later, in front of a
cheap restaurant) = Sirloin 26. Pork
chops 10. Rah for sirloinl
Mother-You have drawn that donkey
very nicely, Johnny, but you have forgot
ten one thing Where is his tail? John
ny-Oh, that donkey doesn't need any
tail There are no flies on him.
Bobby-Pa, what do they call man
who has two wives? PA bigamist
Bobby. Bobby-Pa, suppose he has more
than two wives; what is he then? Pa
blamed fool! Now don't bother me
with any more questions.
He-Somethin2 about the room look:
different from what it did when | called
last What is it? She-Oh, why; L tool
down that Learn to Say No" motto tina
used to hang over there by the piano
He-What did you do that for? 1t was ;
pretty piece of work, / thought. She
oh, yes, the work was very pretty, but
/ didn't like the sentiment. And in les:
than two minutes she was saying eyes"
scrap of Paper saves Her Life.