Sacramento daily record-union., 1889-09-22
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

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SENSE AND NONSENSE.
There were no baseball mines before the
food, but Noah was the boss pitcher; he
pitched the ark.-Mmtha's Vineyard Her.
ald
The reason some men can't make both
ends meet, is because they are too busily
engaged in making one end drink-Bdlti-
more American.
No, Colonel, you cannot lay the railroad
with hen tracks any more than you can
get a mosquito bill through Congress-
Huper's Bazar.
"How Long Girls Should be Courted" is
the title of an article in a Texas paper.
Much the same as short girls, we should
say.-Ieaas SyytingS.
Confding Son-"Mother, what's the
best way to propose to girl?' Mother
"When the right girl comes along, my
son, you won't need any advice"
Chicago dame (reading the headlines
in her home paper )-"Another Murder
Last Night-Where Were the Police ?n
misunderstanding the murder, prob
ably"
Little Dick-"Do you go to circuses
Circuses is wicked" Little Jack-"Yes;
the big shows is wicked, but the ten-cent
shows amt. Pop always takes US to
them"
Conductor, shall complain of you p
"What for, sir?" "You stopped me smok-
ing on the car" "Thats the rules"
"And the next minute helped woman to
alight."-Cticdgo Ledger.
Wealthy Old Gent-"What! Marry my
daughter? You are being supported by
your father" Suitor-"Yes, sir; but my
father is tired of supporting me, and /
| thought I'd better get into another family"
Stage Manager-"Gr snakes Stop
Don't move that scene yet" Supe-"Its
most time" "Don't touch it. Juliet is
there dead in the tomb. ,fyou move that
canvas it will let in a draft, and she'll
sneeze."
City Man ION summer jaunt)-"Are
you going to have an agricultural exhibi-
tion here this year% Farmer (sadly)-
ladies what makes quilts is died off, and
there amt a decent race-hoss in the
county"
Mrs. Winks (at dinner in great hotel y
"Who are those men at that table in the
cornerT Mr.. Winks-"Don'tkn know. What
are they talking about" Baseball, horse
races, prize fights, and so on" "Oh, they
are probably city officials"
Jinks-"Have you ever noticed what
spiteful things women will say of one an.
| otherW Blinks married y" Yes; and
never could understand why they are
afraid to make digs at woman except be.
hind her back, and yet they will rip out
[ anything they please to man."
"Vell, Misder Isaacstein, how ish bliss.
ness ?" 'Bissness vos pooty goot, ober
noding eggstra" II haf been hating a
| poody hard time myself. My poy laid deI
hy-paper on der chair and sat down on
it." ''Vhell, but how does dot affect your
bisness?" Il got shtuck on fy-paper
don't lt?"
"Well, old fellow" said one travelling
man to another, "where have you been %
''To Newport" "To Newport? Well
you look as if you had enjoyed it." "Where
| have you been this summerw "To Old
Port" "To Old Port ?' "Yes; my father.
in-law is out of town and | have the key
to the wine cellar"
Young Lady-"A pair OF No. twos, il
you please" Shoe Salesman (glancing at
her foot probably have not heard
try wears No. five, Mrs. Potter five
Anderson No. six" "Indeed! Well, give
me pair of fives, then"
A sick man expressed desire for some
apple dumplipgs, and his wife made 6
dozen. A little son sat by the bedside
watching the dumplings disappear one by
one. After eleven had been devoured the
boy said: "Ps, can / have dumpling p
And the invalid, biting into the last of tn,
toothsome delicacies, said $50 away, ms
son, your father is sick. THE Epoch.
At College Examination-"And now
sir, let US see whether you know more
about physical science than about Tn,
other subjects you have studied. Wha
are the properties of heatP "One of tn,
properties is TO cause expansion" "Cor
rect give me an illustration" "Oh, that
easy enough In summer, the sun, beinI
hotter, causes the days to lengthen, sir
A society event in Wyoming is thus Sc
forth in descriptive gem dug from tn,
rich mines of the imagination and dul,
polished off hS poet of the period:
They fit and fit,
And gouged and bit,
And scui1ied in the mud,
Until the ground
For three miles round
Was kivered with their blud:
And piles of noses, ears and eyes,
Rose like pyramids 20 the skies.
Great Politician-"Say, Pm out of job
and if you rich temperance folks will sub
scribe the funds, Pll carry the State 70
prohibition" Wealthy Prohibitionist (de
lighted )-"You will? How much do yol
want?' about hundred thousand
"You won't use it for bribes, | hope !?
"No, stree; that's agin the law. Pll jus
| distribute it among the boys, an it won
be used for anything but treatin'. .n-Na
York Weekly.
| Mr.. Hayseed (at a city hotel =" NJ,
gracious Marier Wake upl Well b
too late for breakiastw Mrs Hayseed-
"Why, Joshua. it's dark YETI Mr.. Hay
seed" Can't help it, Marier They mus
have breakfast early here. / just heard
map knockin' at the room next to us, an
tellin' 'em it was o'clock. He forgot us
an it's lucky wake easy. Just tell yol
these 'ere city folks don't waste no tim,
! gettin' to work"
1t has been remarked by all travellers il
foreign parts that more English is spoker
| IN the Furonean continent this wear thar