Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-12-09

The monkey goes to the sunny side OF
the tree when he wants a warmer climb.
The woman who declares she wouldn't
out the worst.
If we didn't have any rent to pay, and
didn't need to eat anything in this world,
what fine clothes we might wear!
Oh, he is a born debater. There is
nothing he likes better than argument.
He won't even eat anything that agrees
with him.
1t is curious thing that while women
are reticent about their own ages, they
have no hesitation about publishing the
ages of other women.
Mrs. Brown-What prompted that bold
young man to kiss you at the door last
night? Cora-Why, ma, 1 don't think
he needed any prompting.
The female organist of the Utica church
has eloped and married IA year-old boy
who pumped the organ. The affair has
taken the wind out of the choir.
I have mislaid the book containing the
names of my patients, said a physician.
That is no serious loss, replied friend /;
you can find most of them on the tomb
stones in the cemetery.
Mother-Did you break any of the rules
to-day, Tommy? Tommy (frst day at
SCHOOL, -No'm; was a good boy. Teach
er broke two, though: one on little Har-
ry Fletcher, another on me.
A Chicago girl was cured of rheuma-
tism the other day in miraculous man
ner. When discovered she was standing
on the parlor table. A mouse can some
times do more than Christian science.
Irate politician-Look here, you pub
lished lie about me this morning-an
editor-But just think where you would
be if we were to publish the truth about
you.
A subscription paper was lately circu-
lated with the following object in view :;
eve subscribe and pay the amount OPP
posite our names for the purpose of pay
ing the organist and boy to blow the
same
Mr.. Sissy-Aw, Miss Laura, er do you
think marriage failure? Miss Laura
Well, Mr.. Sissy, as l have never been
married l can not say from experience,
but between you and me l think it would
! be failure.
l would advise you to buy better
watch. | cannot guarantee this one. Oh,
it is plenty good enough. l am buying
| it for my nephew to remember me by,
and the worse it goes the more he will
have to think of me.
Pat, is that true what hear? An
what's that, yer honor? That you are
| going to marry again. That's so yer
Honor. But your first wife has been
dead only u week. Sure, she's dead
now as she liver will be, yer Honor.
Puritanical young beauty Ito young
man who has just kissed her without her
consent)-That, sir, was most singular
conduct. Obliging young maxwell,
then, kissing her AGAIN., l will proceed
to relieve you by making it plural.
Mr.. Nagger-I believe if was to die,
you'd be willing to wed Beelzebub him
self, just to see if you could force him to
subsection to your will. Mrs. Nagger-
The law does not allow a woman to mar
ry the father of her deceased husband.
Messrs. Gibbon and Redman (calling)
is Miss Flirtette in? Bridget-Faith,
Oh don't know. She said eft was that
ridhidded, Freckled dude she wasn't in;
but eff it wus that handsome Mr.. Glib
bon, she wus. An yer both here togeth-
er.
The making of dress gowns and the
embroidering of slippers for the bachelor
minister is already begun, in anticipation
of the holidays After he has been mar
ried a few years he will write in his
shirt sleeves and walk about his studio
in his stocking feet
Judge-You must be mistaken about
having to work twenty five hours day
for your employer. There are but twen-
tyfour hours in day. Colored Wit
ness-Yes, boss, 1 understand that, but
he always puts me to work an hour be-
fore day in the morning.
He-Where are you going, my pretty
maid? She-I am going after 19-cent
ribbon, 29-cent stockings, 39-cent cash
mere, 49, silk, SO cent velvet, SO cent
gloves, 79-cent cent hats, SO cent shawls,
99-cent umbrellas, and all the other bar
gains in the papers, sir, she SAID.
The man who went out to milk and sat
down on a boulder in the middle of the
pasture and waited for the cow to back up
TO him, was the eldest brother of the man
who kept store and did not advertise, be-
cause he reasoned the public would back
up to his place when it wanted anything.
Do you ever receive contributions writ
ten on both sides of the paper? No, sir
never, emphatically replied the editor.
All right; 1 was going to endorse this
check to your order, but 1 don't want
you to break your rules. Then he went
out, leaving the editor in deep-green
study.
A sarcastic lawyer during the trial of
a case. made use of the expression. ssCast
not your pearls before swine" Suisse
quently, as he rose to make the argument
the judge facetiously remarked, ''Be
careful, Mr.. S., not to cast your pearls
before swine" ssDon't be alarmed, your
honor, am about to address the jury,
not the court
A Safe Investment.