The morning news., 1889-01-17

look at Lord Chuinley overcoat which has
been sent from New York"
"Trifes, Elijah, trifesm So saying, the
general took a bulky manuscript from his
desk,
The Private Secretary deftly dropped a
hoar hound troche into his mouth sighed,
fixed his eyes upon fly on the pier glass,
and looked solemn.
Il begin.n said the general, with some
remarks in a centennial vein:
Standing at the bright portal Of another
century of national splendor and success and
looking back with glistening but rejoicing eyes
upon the wOndrous panorama OF prosperity, OF
heaven grazing oaks sprung from the acorns Of
hundred years ago, Of fields now white with
richest haryests-
Pardon me, but IN March they will
probably be white with snow"
The general did not hear, but went on:
which, within the memory of men now
living were shrouded in the gloom of primeval
forests. the home of bloodthirsty savages-
looking back, say
At that moment the private secretary
really looked through the window behind
he cried. 'Bose is chewing up the coon"
Don't stop him. / wish the whole
menagerie could be destroyed"
Looking back, / say, upon that proud past,
and forward 10 that prouder future what pa
trotic heart does not throb with gratitude
with joy, and with hope?
What do you think Of that, 'Lige 4"
The private secretary softly whistled
"Sweet Violets."
Perhaps it is too flowery."
IF might make suggestion" said the
secretary, Il would treat that passage as
Delilah treated Samson's haircut it short" p"
mir. Haford," " said the general, ''Script-
ure IS never to be quoted with levity. Per-
haps my remarks on civil service reform
may be more to your taste:
A system of civil service reform which will
give satisfaction to everybody, would undoubt-
edly prove satisfactory to all. l unhesltatingly
declare myself in favor of such system.
The secretary whistled a small bar of
"Over the Fence is Out"
YES" said the general, with one of his
rare smiles, "when we get such a system,
after March will be out to our democratic
friends. / will now give you the rough
draft of my views on appropriations for
rivers end harbors:
These veins and arteries of interstate and in
ternational commerce must not be permitted
to grow clOgged, congested and CONCEALED
The Mississippi is the golden zone of the twin
empires of the east and west Shall we not
brighten and adorn it, keep it fresh and clean
and splendid?
The secretarys mobile lips puckerad into
Small We Gather at the Rivers" "Hurrah
for the West Fork of White!"
appreciate your 6QUluSldSL1, S6lQ C0o
general. 81 will now. if you please, submit
to your consideration my remarks on the
Haytian revolution:
The unfortunate difficulties between the
United States and her sister republic of Hayti
have been partially adjusted by the efforts of
Admiral Luce. Much, however, as it is permit
ted to admire the diplomacy and the valor of
that illuStrious ancient mariner, there are those
among us who contend that cannon in the
hands Of men entirely great are less destructive
than champagne bottles.
"Oh, how it sparkles," shot from Elijah's
lips like an adjective from Mrs. Rjves
Chaner's literary catapult. General, - ne
said, with ali due Difference, l would pro-
pose a substitute for that Haytian stuff
"Stuf, srln thundered the general, rising
angrily from his armchair-"StuffP
Il beg your pardon, general. 1t used to
be our newspaper term for copy from any
source, from Gladstone to Elliott T. Shep-
ard
Very well, sir, go on"
with due submission, why would not q
substitute answer your purpose? Why
stir up the wine question prematurelya l
propose this:
The past present and future of Hayti seem
dark None the less would l congratulate tue
gallant Admiral Luce upon his triumphs on the
foam.
Very well put, 'Lige. But do you call it
J.
when was a rolhcking college lad, they
used to call it 'fizz "
IS all the same, sir. Luce is a great
uncorker."
"Halford, take back what said about
the word 'corker' Ela, ha! A very good,
joke, sir. Folks lie that say | have no sense
of humor. Mahone's people know better
Did You see me grin when his henchmen
were talking him uD the other dayY
tAN will TaT,116i 10 70 bar iat He
hal And what of the solid south"
Reads: The solid south must be liquefiei
and fused into the general mass of American
citizenship We must insist upon an honest
ballot in the south.
Good. Excellent. l can't help thinking
how pleased Vestryman Dudley will be with
your remarks about an honest ballot"
in the south, Halford, in the south. My
dear 'Lige, shake hands. We must have an
honest ballot-in the south"
Exactly, and it can't be honest till the
south is republican. Weare onto you"
"Whatp
"Whatl"
1--WE comprehend and approve" (Whis-
ties 'Shoo Fly.'D
Shall l give You my position on the
tariff! Do you think I'd better say much
of anything about revision! Perhaps in
view of the experience of my predecessor,
Mr.. Cleveland-n
Elijah whistles, "Hark, from the Tombs
Doleful Sound"
LET me suggest The tariff should be
modified, if at all, to the extent to which
notifications seem Indispensable. How's
thatW
Excellent, 'Lige. l will simplify the
idea ana read you the result tonight. This
reading makes me thirsty. Shall we split a
bottle of sarsaparilla"
Thanks, no. I'm to have a calisaya
frappe with Harry New"
Remember me to him and his father.
Pray come back tonight and help me with
the inaugural. You might ask policeman
to take out the coon's remains. Good-by. ."
"Good-bv." whistles, II Want to Be
An Angel
Sixty Men Have a Close Call.