The morning news., 1889-03-16
BRIGHT BITS.

AN Albany man says he had an uncle once
who became frightened at the peel of a banana,
Iell INTO peach pit, and broke his word.-Al-
6dny Journal
WHAT doth it profit man to get a modern
society novel for 25 cents if he has to buy an
unabridged dictionary and an encyclopedia be-
fore he can understand it?-StOe and Leather
Reporter.
A CONTEMPORARY thinks that the Senate of the
laIe congress ended its work with great credit.
What does it suppose s the advantage of being
a body Of millionaires if there can be any ques-
ton about credit?-Detrott Free Press.
FATHER (the son using the family hammer
John, don't swear thst way, especially at your
CIwo blows later - -! III!
John-O, that's the way you want me to
swear, is it ?-Terre Hdute Express.
FIRST SWEET G1RL-O, did you hear the news?
Mr. Nicefellow, who is engaged to Clara We're de
We're, hugged her so hard last night that he
broke one of her ribs.
second Sweet Girl-Just my luck. | might
have had him myself philadelphia Record.
EASILY UNDERsTooD-You know nothing of
the peculiar fascination offered by debate,
brother.
Yes, sab, 1 does" said the latter, 81 co'ter
big catfish wunst by de perculyer fascernashun
offered by de bait. Time.
Poor PnLosoPHY-Ancent Actor (regret-
fully well Waiter, who would think that we
should ever come to thisY
Walter (an old paD-Nothing unnatural, old
Fellow. We played to poor houses all our lives,
SO why regret residing for awhile and finally
dying in one!--Ne1C York Sun.
AT THE PAINT AND CLAY''-NIiss Gilder-And
50 your picture is called Washed Ashore Mr..
haulstick Really, how very appropriate.
r, Dir Maulstick-Approprate Miss Glider {?
Miss Gilder-Why, that it should be hung on
the line, you know.-B0st0n Beacon.
Nor Coon As COLLATERAL. - Impecunous
southerner-Say, mister. your sign says that
you advance money on titles.
New York Land Agent-Certainly, sir; where
ia your land situated?
Land be blowed My title is Gen. Buford St
Clair. How much do you loan on that sort of a
tltle! '-IerdS SgttngS.
REVISED RELIGIoN.-"I haven't seen you at
church lately my boy Come up sunday and
hear the dIsV.a o. Break Away preach on tile
Derivation of the Psater from Sun Myth."
u am not interested in these modern sermons.
IL they would only let the sermon alone-"
But you would never know that you
were listening TO sermonH'-IiRte.
DEAR GEORGE, deem it only just to tell you
that | am not the rich girl the world thinks me
My fathers income is smaller than it has been,
ana my own private fortune, from my losses
on the turf, yields less than thirty thousand
year.
Lula, dear, do you think me fortune-hunter
that filthy lncre influences my love for you?
Never! / love you all the more for your pow
ty'@LJe
WICKED BoARDER (Sunday)-You do not read
Sunday paoers. believe, Mrs De Goode?"
Mrs. DeGoode (severely)-No, | do not, and
am grieved to find that you do.
Il was only going t. say that this copy Of the
sunday Scandal LAS a twO-cOumn account of
that minister who was arrested for improper
80, if there is anything in the paper about
ministers that's different. Thank you."-PhlL-
ddeiphi Record.
81 FEEL apprehensive and detected - said the
umbrella, as it dropped Imply into the hat
rack.
why so?"
so, always feel bad at this time of the
year.
For what reason?''
joke-ugh, - and it shuddered dismally, scatter
ing great, muddy tear drops all over the car
pet.-MercbdRt 1Td0eter.
4 FUNNY MANS TROUBLE. -Edtor-Mr. Fun
nyman, your humorous department is not half
SO bright ami fresh as it used to be. Are you
in poor health?
Mr. Funnyman-N-o, sir; my health's all
right, but I'm afraid I'll have to give up the
humorous work.
"What s the matter?"
Wei sir | got married some months ago
and now when print joke about wives my
wife thinks it means her. and il | mention a
mother-in-law her mother comes around and
raises the roof; and besides, one of my wife's
brothers is a plumber, another is an ice man,
and the other is q coal dealer, and she Las
half-brother who is a book agent and they're
all big men with ugly tempers. IL you don't
mind, I'd Ike to retire from the humorous de-
partment and take position as obituary editor "
Philadelphia Record.