News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-09-19
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.

]
MEN OF THE PRESS.
One of the Freaks of fTime-Splendit
Progress - The Shock was to-
Great, ETC., etc.
HER REASON.
Agnes-Mr. Smith, I reconsider m,
decision, and will marry you, although
you are only poor, wretched, mIser
abe dealer in second-class hardware.
Smith, know it; but, oh ! angel
why this change?
Agnes-Pa has bought me two pc
African ostriches, and they can live OF
your stock.--Epoch,
MISREPRESENTATION.
Wealth O,d Gent-What! Marry
my daughter. You are being supported
by your father.
Suitor sir, but my father is
tired of supporting me, and l thought
I'd better get into another fami'y.-NeW
York Weekly.
THE SHOCK WAS TOO GREAT.
Travers Ito Office boy)-Johnny, did
YOU take that check down to my tail
or's?
Johnny sir.
Travers-What did he do when you
gave it to him?
Johnny-He tainted
ONE OF THE FREAKS OF TIME.
"Curious state of affairs at my So
ciety," said the recording secretary.
"What's that!
"Why it took two hours last night fol
me to get ten minutes. Bazaar.
THE WORK WAS DONE.
Biddy-Mr. Smith called tonight
when you were ont.
Miss Clara-Oh, it is too bad. ]
think he would have proposed.
Biddy-He did, Miss. He'll marry
me next week. Epoch.
HAD SEEN SMALLER.
Miss Hauteur exhibiting diminu-
tive spaniel) This is one of the small
est dogs living. See, can hold him i'll
the palm of my han |.
Bigsby-That is rothing.
Miss Hauteur-Have you ever seen a
smaller one!
''Yes, indeed. I've seen many dog
that could be put on scent.
SPLENDID PROGRESS.
Mrs. Pettim-Strange what q taste
my boy has for natural history. He
has been collecting specimens.
Mrs. Titter-What progress has he
made?
Mrs. Pettim-Splendid ! Why, he
has six pairs of live cats hanging by the
tai from the clothes-iinc i'll the back
yard this very minute Hatehet.
NOT TO BE SwINDLED.
The Italian who runs the peanut
stand at the corner of Woodward ave-
nue. and Congress street, was turning
his peanut roaster the other afternoon
with slow and measured hand when an
old woman came to hat and carefully
observed the operation. After Scrutln-
izing the rooster from every side, she
ily gave it up and remarked:
NO, sir; You don't get cent ont of
c;.ift 1aeoir iiaIf OF any Of tina ~;
and it smells as if something was burn
ing inside p Detroit Free Press.
CoNvALEsCENT.
Squirrel heard your wife was pretty
SICK llSU week, ut1COi, ONAo L IiSPO oiAS y
mcnding rapidly now.
Deacon-Yes, thankee, she's ketchln'
ND with her mendin' now; set up till II
o'clock last night N darned pile O
stockin's two feet high. She kin mend
pretty fast when she gets agoin'. '.-LDe-
troit Free Press.
VALUE OF A MUSICAL EDUCATION.
81 tell you," he said earnestly, "that
a musical education is a mighty good
thing to have. A man little knows when
it will do him good turn. You remem-
ber Handsome Harry Andrews, don't
you?"
LOST OPPORTUNITY.
Kissable Girl (suddenly)-Take care,
some one will see you!
Good-looking but Bashful Beau
What am | doing!
Kissable Girl (scornfully)-Nothing !!
i Once Week.
NEIGHBoRLY GREETING.
"Strange how wet it is -
''Be stranger still if it were dry with
such heavy rains. "-l Bazaar.
GRADUALLY WASTING AWAY.
"When your practciag friend across
the way has learned how to play the
cornet, he will entertain the whole
neighborhood," said Mrs. Brown.
Eyes said Mrs. Crown, "but by that
time th,re won't be any neighbors
here. = [Somerville Journal.
THE BABY's LAMENT.
''I'm such a funny little thing
That everybody laughs at me.
] can't do much but bite ring,
And cry with pain and laugh with gee,
But none the less it's mean, | think;
These visitors will never stop,
When gazing on my cheeks of pink,
Remarkiug: MY! How like his popl'
Why popsy-wop has whiskers red
And ears as big as dollars.
He has some hair upon his head
And wears big linen collars.
He's wrinkles on his forehead big;
He feeds on mutton chop;
It's almost absurd to say that
Am just like popsy-wop
IA wall of determination1
SOME DIFFERENCE.
Daughter mamma, you ought
not to object to Charley ON account of
his poverty. I'm sure he has as much
money as father had when he married
you. I've often heard you say you were
as poor as church mice when you mar
ried.
Mother-You must remember, my
dear, thai your father had good deal
of horse sense, which Charley hasn't
Terre Haute Express.
MEANT THE SAME THING.
Poet Invading the sanctum) Your
c0mpositor made an awful mistake in
my poem. Instead of 81 kissed her un-
der the rose, he set it up ''under the
nose"
Editor-I don't see the mistake.
Poet-You don't?
Editor-No; you kissed her under the
nose when you kissed her under the
rose, didn't youl Think it over, my
friend. = New York Sun.
A HORSE THAT NEEDED EDUCATION.
Nellie (sym athetica'ly - You poor
dear! What Il narrow escape And
what started the horse?
Gussie Indignantly - Well - you
know. Will wa helping me out of the
buggy and-the stupid horse could not
tell the difference between goodnight
kiss and sigma to start. And he Just
started. Some horses have so little
sense. : Pitt burg Bulletin.
HOW HE PREFERRED THEM.
Simeral Ito waiter) bring me two
eggs, toast and butter, and a cup of
tea.
Waiter-Yes, Sir How will you have
vOnr eUps SIR