Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-07-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

LIN I1a NlOllss w III
WIT AND HUMOR.
Never black your teachers eye. II
might endanger his pupil.-Life.
The women of Warsaw are noted
for their long black hair and theil
beautiful Pole-locks. .--Ex.
When the amount of fiction in them
is considered, they might more appro
priately be called public libraries -
Elk.
A fellow that has actually tried says
that although there are three scruple'
in dram, the more drams you take
the fewer scruples you will have
Elk.
Briggs haven't taken drink
for two weeks, now. What do you
think of thatY
Braggs-It sounds to me like an
empty boast.-Ex.
No longer afraid of her. Society
belle (gloomily)-I must be going of
horribly in my looks. That's the Sec
ond girl within a week who has asked
me to stand as her bridesmaid. Life
Grave symptoms. Knight--My
heads all filled up this morning.
Bright (much concerned)--You
want to take care of yourself-these
sudden changes are dangerous.-Ex.
Does it pay. "Does it pay to
strike ?" shouted the orator.
"That depends on how much you
strike for" said the base ball enthusi.
ast. "If it is three bagger, it pays
every time.-Harper's Bazaar.
Indiscreet. First dude-Chawles
how did you evan get such cold?
Second dude-Oh, don't you know
| was out in the night air with my
summer cane and it was too much for
my constitution.-Omaha World.
Son-Papa, what was your dentist
bill when you were young?
Fond father-Why do you ask, my
son?
Son-Because ma says that it took
lots Of money to get your eye teeth
cut.-Ex.
Two ways. He (sentimentally)-
How shall | ever leave your
She (practically)-Well, if you go
now, you may get out Of the door.
But hear father coming, and if you
don't go now, you may 60 out at the
window. .-Ex.
Nothing better reveals the unset
tishness Of clairvoyants than the fact
that fer paltry dollar they will re.
veal to others the lottery ticket that
will draw the capital prize instead of
keeping the valuable information to
themselves and profting by it.
While travelling on a western trip
Jay Gould once drew up a check for
several millions on the back Of an en-
velope. This drawing checks for sew
eral millions on the back of an envel-
opes, while travelling, is not business
like. We never do it.-Norristown
Herald.
Reflex repentance. Parkhust-PH
bet fifty cents that Melville's girl has
Tilted him.
Rickford-What makes you think
so?
Why, he's out under the trees look.
ing for that pipe he threw away last
month.-Ex.
This is mechanical age. Mrs.
Brown (at Mrs. Smiths tea)-Oh,
dear, that dreadful Miss Smith is sing
ing again. ! wonder what started
her?
Tom Brown Gage o. dropped II
nicklc down her back when she was
not looking.--Munsey's Weekly.
A terrible case. Let me die. /
cannot afford to live.
Why.
Well, my time is worth So an hour,
so it costs me $40 every night to get
eight hours sleep. That is $4,000 a
year for sleep alone. / can't do that
on an income of S5,000.-Harper's 5
Bazaar.
Going over. Lord Useless-Only
fahncy, fellah in New Yowk asked me
what | wowked at in Lunnon. The
idea of me doing wowk Pewfectly
absurd.
Miss Sharpc--Utterly foolish -
Why, he might have known from the
looks Of you that you couldn't do any.
thing.-Ex.
Boy-ls the rooster speaking to the
hen when he crows, papai