The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1889-05-09
MARK TWAIN,
ss LATEST mrrcH on TIE HAwAsiAS
ISLANDS.

q. banquet recently given IN New |
York to the baseball players who
went around the world -
Though not native, as anti
mated by the Chairman, / have
visited, y great many years ago, the
Sandwich Islands -- that peaceful
land, that beautiful land, that far
off home of pr und repose, and
soft Incidence, aud dreamy solitude,
where life is one long. slumherless
i Sabbath, the climate one long, do
lcious summer day, and the good
tlat die experience no change, for
tnry but fall asleep in one heaven
and wake up ID another. And these
boys have PLAYED baseball there !
baseball, which is the very symbol,
the outward and visible expression
Of the drive and push and lush al d
struggle of the raging, tearing,
h"oming nineteenth century! One
cannot realize ii, The place and the
fact are so homogeneous; It's like
intrrrupting funeral with a circus.
Why, there's no legitimate point of
contact, no possible kinship between
baseball and the Sandwich Islands;
baseball is all fact, the islands all
sentiment. In baseball you've got
to do everything just right or you
don't get there in HE islands you've
got 10 do everything just wrong or
you can't stay there You do 1t ong
TO get it right. for if you do it right
you get 1t wrong; there isn't any
way 10 get it right but to do it
wrong, and the wronger you do the
Fighter it is.
"The natives illustrate this every
day. They never mount q horse
from the larhoard side, they always
mount him from the starboard. On
the other hand they never milk
COW on the starboard side; they al
ways milk her on the larboard; it's
why you see SO many short people
,herr-they've got their heads kick
ed off.
"When they meet on the road
they don't turn out to the right !;
they turn out 10 the left. And SO,
q from always doing everything
wrong end first that way, it makes
i, them lrft-handed-lett handed and
f cross-eyed; they are all so.
~ ''In those islands the cats haven't
any tails and the snakes haven't any
!, teeth; aud what is still more irregu-
~ lar, the man that loses game gets
a the pot. AS to dress, the women
all wear a single garment, but the
:. men don't. No, the men dol ;,
y wear anything at all; they hate dis
q play. When they wear smile they
70 think they are overdr"ssed.
~ "Speakng of birds, the only bird
- there that has ornamental feathers
g has only two, just barely enough tc
sr squeeze through with, and they are
: under its wings instead of on top Of
VI its head, where, of course, they
~ ~ ought to be to do any good.
a. "'rhe native language is soft
q LIQUID and flexible, and in ever,
n, way efficient and satisfactory, til
~ you get mad. Then there you are
there isn't anything in it to swea
with. Good judges all say it i, th'
best Sunday language there is, bu
then all the other six days il
the week it just hangs idle in you
ne bands. 1t isn't any good for busi
ne ness, and you can't work a teIe
n phone with it. Many time the at
ne temtion of the missionaries has brel
tn called 10 this defect. and they ar
n. always promising they are going t
ad fix IL; but no, they 90 fooling alGni
1t. and fooliug along, and nothing l
OF done.
lily 'Speaking of education, every
N body there is educated, from th
OH highest to the lowest. In fact, it
the only country in the world wher
'lll ,ducat on is actual y niversal. An
no yet every now and then you I'll
or across instances of ignorance tn;
'an are simply revotiog-smply de
at grading to the human race. Thin
The of it--there the ten takes the ace
But let us not dwell on such thing
ira they make a person ashamed. Wei
the missionaries are always going
'eu fix that, but they put it off, IN p'
ers it off, and put it off, and so that n
lidt ton is going to keep on going dow
Abt and down, and down, till some ds
,.u, you will see pair of jacks beat
straight flush.
lers swell, it is refreshment to Il
slra jaded, water 10 the thirsty, to lo'
upon men who have so lately breal
'he ed the soft airs of those isles of 4
N Blest, and had before their eyes I
aag inextinguishalle vision OF the
:. beauty. No alien land in all I
a"g world has any deep, strong char
aop for me but That one, no other lal
could SO longingly and so beserc
mi ingly haunt me, sleeping and wa
49,. ing, through half a lifetime, as tn
s'" one has done. Other things lea
,lers me, hut it ahides; other thin
change, but it remains the san
For me its halmy airs are alwa
blowing, its summer stars FASH
,Ing in the sun, the pulsing of its su
beat is in my ear; can see its g
landed crags, its leaping cascad
Is ol its plumy palms browsing by