The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1889-04-19
Wit And Humor.
Time out of mind--a forgotten d

Whether marriage ia A failure or moi,
the run on the bank continues.
A case of self.denial--the nnn who
travels under an alias.
1t is all right to have crank notions
IL man can turn them to good advan-
tage.
1t is easier for camel to get through
the eye Of needle than for savage
to get through the need Of an idol.
When stylish girl goes down the
street almost all the young men feel
sort OF blind impulse 10 follow the
fashion,
The immed ate friends of the family
are not always the ones who come i'm
mediately to relieve them when in DIS
tress.
1t is all right to talk about champion
sprinters, but If you wish TO see the
the record broken start a running
account" with the grocer or provision
dealer.
There is one man in this world who
may die too soon. His name is Bis
mark. He may die before he has been
made to realize that he dosnt own the
| earth.
| He--Well, may hope then, dearest,
that at some time may have the hap
piness of making you my wife! She
Yes, hope so, am sure. l am tired
of suing fellows for breach of promise.
Coal dealer-W Would you like chest
nut coal7 Customer-Yes; but there
is one chestnut don't want and that
is your joke of calling 1900 pounds OF
coal and the driver ton of chestnut
coal.
"You all remember the words of
Webster" shouted the orator. mo,
we don't interrupted man in the
gallery "He has so many words
can't remember more than half of them,
A physician says that more wrinkles
come from laughing than from worry
ing. Young women should remember
this when they see mau's hat blow
off and go whiring down the street.
Health journals insist upon reposing
on the right side only, and claim that
it is injurious to lie on both sides, but
we don't know where they will find
healthier looking set of men than law
yers.
"Are you not ashamed, cousin, to kill
, a pretty little bird like that?' "But,
my dear girl, thought it would look
so we'll in your hat" "True, didn't
think of that! It's exactly the same
shade of gray. You are kidd"
Intruder-'I would like position
on your paper" ST. Louis editor
What can you do?" 81 can write an
eatirely new squib about the decay of
Chicago every day in the year. Con-
slider yourself engaged"
'There are two new moons this
. month";" said Mrs. Waddle, who had
been reading the paper to her husband,
, who had Just come home. "Zash
!, right" said he, ''zack'y right. saw
q EN- both ri come along the street."
Clarence-Aw, by Jove. Cholly,
4 where did v get such--aw--beastly
f cur! Cholly-Bawght him of--aw-
} blind fellah--leads me home, and l.
t aw don't have the dweadful wesponsi-
r bilily of remembering where l live, y
e know.
! "You never cit and talk to me now
{ as you did before we were married,
e sighed the young vile. "No," replied
v the husban |, who was drummer
: ''the boss always told me to STOP
praising goods as soon as the bargain
was struck"
A Philadelphia received a bill by
messenger from his tailor few day
E ago covering a small balance. Thu
note was subioined to the account
This boy is honest, though he MAJ
rs not look it, The recipient took tn
e HUT.
a a 81 suppose" said Uptown meekly T.
+ the real estate agent, shat if l hir
this flat from you l viii be allowed t
:, sleep in it when l am tired "Wel
10 YES" returned the autocra'. ado
q ing new clause 10 the condiI ous Z
~ 20 the lease, provided you don't sLore
y. Dawli.h-"Thats peculiar bulto
st you are wearing, liable y. What doe
n it indcatea' Jabley-"That' littl
v idea of my own. 1t means that al
IN not "a member of any secret society {
st all. l have patented it ard will n
to doubt make fortune from it
Is. Citizen TO bartenderl-'I suppo,
ps your receipts are largely depleted b
w the habit of swearing off the first {
an the year, Bartender-"Ye-, sir, fl
N. about week, ana then the rush
nv gins. A man who has left off liqu,
ur for week naturally has an increase
y thirst upon him.
no $50 this Italian Count not on
al turns out to humbug, but be abus
~ you into the bargain" said Beatric
ho He's such a wretch it's wonder
" didn't strike you before the marriage
"He did, sobbed the young brid
''Slruck me every time he called +
So"
H. The minister-As your guards
on Lucille, must insist upon year reg
of lar attendance at devotional servic,
,is His charge-Wby then, guardy, VIII
makes you use such DR. adfully dres
ne full words7 You necd't insist at 8
la I've a new love of bonnet and p,
RS, feet dream of wrap, and Id just