Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1889-11-22

deceased
RESOLVED, That the club house be draped
in mourning for thirty days va memory "i
of the deceased.
As he finished, Mr.. Cpandownjohn
brought his fist down upon the tabl" I'LL
the glasses jingled
What stuff that isl he said Indignantly.
al knew So and So. He was dishonest
and untruthiul man. tyrant in his family,
q trader in politics, disagresable man in
society, and II curse to humanity general
Iy. And they mourn him. do they'
And suppose they want mo To
mourn Ranter, who il 10 he en-
balmed tonight. Ha, Ha! | will astonish
these people. will write one set of hon
est resolutions knew Ranter, who has
| just gone hence, and justice shall be done
him, sure. will be as mild as can be,
and do him justice, but will be honest with
his memory"
| So Mr.. Upandownjohn called for fresh
| pens and ink and paper and wrote; and
having made fair copies of what he wrote,
took them himself to the office OF the
| Seredmer, the SpOater and the SOdrer, and
went home and slept as only he can sleep
who rejoices over n duty done aud well
| done.
The next morning the members OF the
| Leviathan We're astonished at reading in
the journals the following:
WHEREAS, BY a long course of most out
rageous dissipation, of late nights of late
| suppers of the grOssest food, of perpetual
| beverages Of the most villainous kind
| those that give the stomach no show what
| ever-by unchecked and unregulated in
| dul geuce i'm the worst possible sensuality.
| in brief. by long continued series Of the
vilest outrages upon the physical, mental
| and moral man, our late member, Arthur
| Simpson Ranter, has been taken To that
bourne from which we hope he may never
return, and
WHEREAS, When n member of the Levi
athan Club expires, it is customary tn com
| memorate him, to give him II good send
| of, as it were; therefore be it
| RESOLVED. That when we remember the
villainous habit he had of revoking at
whist, and also his adroit way of sliding
out of paying the score whenever he lost
the rubber, our grief at his departure is Sc
verely mitigated, if not entirely subdued.
late associate in accepting invitations 10
| slske his thirst and his intolerable tardi-
| ness in reciprocating, did more honor To
his head than his heart.
RESOLVED, That his habitual untruthful-
ness, his utter disregard for his word, and
| his clustering and overbearing manner,
were the best points il him, as they served
as warning to the younger members OF
the club. For this his demise is to be Ia
mented.
RESOLVED, That his habit of getting
boozy before eleven AN, and staying III
condition as long as there was n good
natured man in the club, gives US,
his survivors, good reason TO pause and ask
no more that conundrum "Why was death
introduced into the worldf"
RESOLVED, That when We remember the
success with which our late brother bor-
rowed money, and his utter forgetfulness
of such transactions our hearts are soften
ed toward Adam and Eve (through whose
sin death was made part of the economy
of nature), and we publicly thank that lady
and gentleman for their investigating turn
of mind and hurl back Indignantly the
charge that they did not do the best thing
possible for posterity.
RESOLVED, That in the death of our late
brother, who was as vile an actor as he
was bad as man, the long suffering, the
ater- going public have n boon, the sweet
ness of which cannot be over-stated, and
upon which we extend them hearty con
gratulations.
RESOLVED, That we congratulate Mrs.
Ranter, upon the fact that her private ror.
tune was settled upon herself and 80 skill
fully tied up that her late husband, our de-
ceased, could not get u cent of it. And
we do this remembering how often we
have monrned it was so, for the reason
that, could he have touched it, he would
have drunk himself into tomb several
years sooner than he did. Death, with US,
bures all anim0sity and does away with
ahacriuony.
RESOLVED That the club house be il
Illuminated the night of the funeral, and be
draped in white for thirty days in honor of
this happy event.
RESOLVED, That this truthful tribute to
the memory of our deceased brother he
published in the Scredmer, the SpOater and
the SOdrer.
To say there was an uproar in the club
the next morning, h these resolutions
were read, would be to convey a very faint
idea of the case. In the midst it, when
when it was at its height, entered Upan
downtown, cleanly shaved, and as serene
as June morning.
"Did you write and publish this mser
able mess--this ghastly connection of in
fernalismf" demanded score of indignant
men.
"Did | write those resolutions, you
meant | did. l was appointed a commit
tee to embalm the memory of the late Ran
ter in the daily papers. did it. Do you
find anything Objectionable in themP"
"Why, you assert that he was a sponge"
exclaimed one.
"Unhappily it is the truth have my
self paid for gallons of liquor for him"
"You said he was bad actor"
"The worst l ever suffered under"
"What will his wife think of what you
said of himp
"She will recognize the portrait, and
with US thank Heaven for her release"
"You gave it as the sense Of the club
that he was"
Everything that was bad, mean and
disreputable. Very good. 1t is true, ey
cry word of it, He owes me thirty
dollars, sixty-three cents and third, which
he has owed Gt was borrowed) since July
9, 1871, ut twenty seven minutes past ten
o'clock in the evening. And every one of
You is also his creditor. If there is mean
thing that he has not done it has escaped
my notice"
BY this time Mr.. Upandownjohn saw
that his fellow members were angry, and
he at once lost his balance and became an
cry, too.
Brandishing his umbrella Qt was not
raining, but as it was the time of the
month when it should have rained, he car
ried it) he exclaimed:
Gentlemen, you have had one set of
resolutions written which contained moth
ing but the truth, not the whole truth, for
my time was limited and it was impossible
to get in all that could have said, and
besides desired to be as lentent as possi-
BILE Having written nothing but the
truth you are offended. 1t is well. l
will have nothing whatever to do
with club where the truth cannot be
told. Truth, if not the immediate jewel Of
my soul, is very close to it. Gentlemen,
adieu You have seen the last OF John
Upandown. Should l stay, | might be
called upon TO resolve over some OF your
remains, aud Us can not tell lie, 1t
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