Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1889-02-12
Freeport Bllletin.

Freeport Bulletin.
Valentines day will soon be here and
my bosom is already beginning to flll up
with that dismal apprehension which a
man feels when bis mother-in-law comes
to board with him. II has been the Gus.
tom for certain ones whom shall dignity
with the title Of perso rs, to celebrate the
day by filling my mail with rude carica-
lures or horrible colorings intending to
portray human being in the various
stages OF decomposition, and all intimat-
ing in poetry of more or less merit that
they were faithful por traits Of myself re-
produced by the heel yo' type process. I
am not naturally of Il morbid or vengeful
disposition, but when | am painted with
purple clothes on background consist
Ing mainly of front elevation of the
asylum for the feeble minded, feel my
choler rise. and yearn to find the guilty
sender and plant pick axe In that part
OF his figure where think it will do the
most good. 1t is blow at the liberty of
the press; threat against the democracy
OF our institutions; stab at the throb-
6ing heart of the people. What induce.
ment is offered me to be law abiding
citizen and an ornament TO the field of
letters when some ostracised geyser sends
me chrome representing a gibbering
idiot with one long finger pointing to-
ward his own vacant stare? What fun is
1t for me to read the cruel lines beneathf
Just look at this man with prominent jaw
d d make good tam with the mother-in-law
That You hear of In song IN story or rhyme,
W no never shuts VI for moment OF time,
But raises disturbance fro n mOru unit! night:
And is at 1t again with the breaking of light.
He's dwelling fool hout an tom of sense,
AND he'll talk you to death on the sl,ghtest pre-
We hold him aloft as friehtful example.
Ere Satan shall steal him TO q ssmpe.
1t is small wonder hat a man feels
gloomy when he is flooded with such bill
let doux. On u recent Valentines day
received no less than four of these pink
and purple effusions b which vacuity of
reason was offered in evidence The inn
preston seemed to have gone forth that
| my intelligence had secured a separate
maintenance and it was only by freely
gressing my joints that ! was enabled TO
dodge the emissaries Of the county court
who desired to place me under the re-
straining influence of the Elgln asylum
The world may think this is funny; but
II 1t don't smatter of prosecution I'll lie
low. Persons who in dulge in levity of
this character should be fed to the cobra
di capello or some other long and 1.-the
animal. To say that they are ill>bred is
putting 1t most mildly. Bender's "Tac-
tics for the Household" contains the fol-
owing paragraph:
ANY person who shall call general at
tentiOn to the fact that one is mentally in
capable of telling the red planet Mars
from dash of bitters is dead wrong and
should be fined IS and half the gate
money for being impolite IN tho 58th de.
gree while on duty
Aside from being incompetent to make
awill my correspondents also have it that
l am spider legged dude. This is the
last straw. Anything but that and my
firm nerves shall never tremble. 1 may
have murdered whole families for the sake
of having blood gravy; may have stolen
| children and picked them in vinegar;
may have been pirate. horse-thief and
insurance agent; / may have stopped
trains and burned down orphan ssylums;
l may have been and done all this. but as
heaven is my witness am no dude. Un
say those uukind words and leave me TO
struggle on through the shroud of mental
gloom in which fate has wrapped me
Pant me deep in the darkest corner OF
the ninehoie in the straight jacket de
partment at the asylum. Continue to
abuse and villify, but at least spare me
the pang of being a jude. You may have
children of your own.
Wouldn't that kill your
THE BYsTANDER.