Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-04-20
WIT AND RUMOR.
FUNNY THINGS FOUND IN THE
WEEKLY PAPERS.
Light Reading for Those Who
Would Laugh and Grow
Fat.

Sweet and Iowa lump of sugar OF
the hoor.-NeW York Journal.
A noodle is most apt to find himself il
the soup.-Near Orleans PieGyuae.
There are good many cases of a salt il
admiralty eourts.-B,efington Free Press.
Bolt-making seems to be the favorite
occupation among politicians this YEAR
Columbus Despatch.
There is town in Arizona called Zach.
ing Tooth" 1t ought TO grow, because
there is nothing to stop it.-Rochester Post
Express.
A Jersey City undertaken advertises
that he furnishes every requisite for a
funeral" He must be doctor as well as
an undertaken.
She" If you attempt to kiss me I'll
call mamma" He" All right, call her
I'd rather kiss two than one" Then |
guess won't call her"
A woman always seems to wear the
largest hat she can find at night; a man
wants the largest hat he can get in the
morning.-Yoakers Statesman.
Teacher-"Do YOU know the difference
between right and wrong?" Boy-"Naw. y
IF you were to take your little brothers
cake from him, what would you do ?" Eat
it up"
'Where are you going, my pretty maid ?''
'I'm going to your employer, SIR she
said. 81 don't get much salary, my pretty
maid" "Then l won't marry you, sir, "
she said
Teacher" How is young lady to act
when she is alone on the street ~ Rose
bud" She must look around every once
in a while to see if any handsome young
fellow is following her.
"Why do you look so sad, Miss Ethel -
Sister Helen is going TO marry Tom
Barry" The worthless young reprobate
No wonder you are sad" "Oh, il is not
that; | wanted him myself"
Mamma, at the Ponce de Leon hop last
night Mr.. De Ritch asked me TO be his
wife" ''Of course you accepted him p
"Of course-but he began so queerly.'
GLOW ?" ''He asked me if loved him.
Puck
New Yorker" congratulate you on
the latest acquisition to your family. Boy
or girl? ," Nebraskan-"Girl." "What's
her name to be?" "Well, she bowls so
much nights we thought we'd call her Cy-
clonia. "-Epoch.
Excuse me, Mr.. Brown" said the
haberdasher, 'but this is a quarter neck
tie you have selected; you always wear a
dollar one" That's all right, old bow" he
returned, with wink; my wife has Just
started making crazy ilt"-Jadqe.
Mrs. Reelass-"I have selected this bon
net, Frank. Isn't it beauty, and only
Sl3w Frank (hurriedly Thirteen dol
lars? Ny dear, Is is an unlucky number.
You mustn't think OF paying that for a bon
net. Try one Of those So beauties. - o,gcii
Citizen.
Mother-"That young man seemed to
be very affable last night. Did he propose
before he left ?" Daughter-"No, he
didn't propose exactly, but he blew rings
of tobacco smoke, so he must have been
thinking of engagement rings, or some
thing Of that sort"
Smith-"The most modest lady in the
world lives in Boston" Jones-"What
makes You think she is the most modest
lady in The world 90 III Just guess so. In
her library she has one bookcase for the
works Of male authors, and a separate one
for female authors"
Virgins Cooking at the results of his
wife's shopping)-" Well, | suppose we
NAV be able to make use of some of this
stuff some day, but where are the shoes
you said baby needed ?" Mrs. Virgins
Bless my heart, l forgot them ] spent
all day at the bargain counter, you know"
TEXAS Sytta9S.
Mr.. Dunnell-" You'll pardon me for
taking advantage of a secluded corner, my
dear Miss Bristoe, but want TO ask you a
question" Miss Bristoe-" T-this is $50
suddenp' Mr.. Dunnell-"I know I'm a
bit abrupt, but | want to inquire as to the
best time to find your father at home He
owes our firm for that last block of stock,
you ow."-Judge.
Gentleman lin Chicago gun store)-'T
want pistol" Dealer (politely)-"Yes,
sir Here is a small, plain weapon, usu-
ally bought for defense against footpads.
Here is a silver-mounted beauty, very pop
ular for shooting sweethearts; and here,
sir, is our shef-doover, ull-ieweled, rolled
gold plate, all the rage now for shooting
wives" ~. Y Weekly.
Wife (time, midnight" Pretty time of
night for you to come home-and in such
condition, too" Husband" Mdear, it's
Qhic) only fright. | sthopped in at zee mi
chroscopic s'ciety rooms and, m'dear, |
looked at some water in microscope,
m dear-zhe water we drink. I'M dear-and
sure Ii live, m'dear, | shaw it full of
snakes Mershy on me Zhe 'em YETI
Neo York Weekly.
yeweler-"You say you want some name
engraved on this ring ?" Young man
eyes, ! want the words: George to his
dearest Alice engraved on the inside of
the ring" as the young lady your
sister," ''No, she's the young lady to
whom l am engaged" 'FWell, if l were
you | would not have George to his dear
est Alice engraved on the ring. If Alice
goes back on you you can't use the ring
again" "What would you suggest?" Il
would suggest that the words be- George
to his first and only love- You see with
that inscription you can use the ring half
dozen times. | have had experience in
such matters myself -Tsras S5tings.
George" Eth? You got engaged last
night? Gus, my old, my dear friend,
tell me how you did it." ''Gus-H Really,
/ hardly know myself. Couldn't help it.
Just like falling down stairs l was on the
edge of a proposal, she gave me push
and there | was engaged Well,
| haven't had any such experience. Every
time | try to start my knees knock to-
gether and my teeth chatter and my tongue
cleaves to the roof of my mouth. I've
tried dozen times to pop the question to
Miss De Pine, and slumped every time"
"And did she let you slump?" EYES,
"You are counting the wrong girl."-Har.
per's Weekly
Miss De Pink trying to get the CONVEX
alton into pleasant groove)-" | was so
shocked while reading Max O'Rell's book
to-day. He says that in America the girls
do the proposing. Isn't it contemplate in
him to print such SANDER? Mercy
Why, any self-respecting American girl
would die before she'd let a man know She
loved him. The idea of our girls propos-