The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1889-02-17
CAUGHT ON THE FLY.
Paragraphs on Some Current Topic

l al SA0Pnc VI Sono OufIoub 4OpNe
Brief Comment on WIsdons ard FcIlies
a fictitious tale founded on a ster,
reality, is tho best definition yet oil
fered of Il hustle.
4 LEADING editorial in leading ex
change tells us how 10 live long; i
seems if you want your days to b,
long in the land which the Giftie hal
gied us. yon must never get excited
you must have no passions, desires
emotions, feelings nor impulses; yot
must move slowly, never allow your
self to be influenced by whatever
may occur. You must never fall il
or out of love, never marry, never
speculate, make or lose money, fight
argue, run for Office, write for the
press, run steamboat or a fire en-.
gine or city or state, or anything ex.
cept wheelbarrow. You must just
float serenely through life and never
be guilty OF doing anything.
So that's the way to 'live," is 1T
Well, that may be ''living," but to our
way OF thinking, a man who would
follow the advice would be dead even
while walking around on the surface,
defrauding worthy undertaken out
of job.
Life is thought, action, intensity
One man can live more in an hour
than another in a century. It isn't
life to be like vegetable, or a clam.
Two or three enterprising young
men ought to 60 over to- Seattle and
start postoffioe.
There is another test announced OF
mans financial condition by his
pronunciation. If he says ''eyther," )"
or "nyther," he is we'll fixed; il
'eether," or "neether," the same as
you and do, he has no more than
either Of us. No man is allowed to
say eyther, or nyther, unless he is
worth some big amount OF money
say $4,000.
The hot-water cure is the latest
idea in Astoria. Folks who have
tried it says that it beats the faith
cure all to pieces. 1t doesn't consist
in getting into hot water. but in get
ting the hot water into you. 1t is
laid to cure corns, dyspepsia, disap-
pointed love, freckles, insomnia, con-
'tipation, heart disease. loss Of mem
Dry and rheumatism. 1t also acts as
IN emetic.
Somebody hes figured out that the
world is going to come to an end in
1899. Well, that's all right. Most of
rs can get along just as well without
,. What is the eni of the world any
how? Just this; when you who read,
,r who write, drop out Of the ranks
Il the living, that is to us. the ''eud
It the world" Then, the fireworks.
0ne thing is aure-and this is the
pnly thing in this column or the next
hat you'll remember tomorrow
norning-that the moment after
ieath, the innocent child of seven, or
he world weary old man OF seventy,
will know more of the Great Here
.fter than all the Divinity doctors,
scientists, sages. philosophers, occult
sts, and right reverends and wrong
everends that ever lived.
Well: the members of the Oregon
legislature certainly gave value re-
.eived this session for the passes they
got from the o. r. & N. Co. Wonder
will they have gall enough to ask and
rake mileage from the state treasury!
What sound headed private citizen
vas it who said that If be had his
way the state legislature would meet
'nly once in ten years, and then the
work Of the session should be con-
dned to repeating the acts of the last
legislatureH
Cap. Humphreys prize conundrum
1t Salem is: why is a clerk in the
legislature like a printer with a pock-
ct full Of sorts?"
Lish Applegste tells a funny story
1t Salem on statesman Watts. II
was when Applegate and Watts and
Ben Hayden, ct al, we're lecturing
around on temperance. One night,
down at Eugene, Watts was holding
forth to an audience on the evils of
intempersnce: he had lot of dia-
grams or charts OF the human stom-
ach, showing its condition from the
time the first drink is taken by the
Dossessor OF the stomach till he has
used it up and wore it plumb out.
he, that is Watts, had a lot of little
charts, l, 2, 8, 4, ETC., and big one,
that was hung up on the wall, show
ing a very abnormal abdomen and
the inner works thereof revealed to
the nude eye. "Now," said Watts,
ladies and gentlemen, General Ap-
plegate will hold up chart No. /,
while I explain it to you. Observe the
condition of the coats. Gen. Apple
gate, hold it up so as the ladies and
gentlemen can see it." And so he
went on. After awhile "GeD. Apple
gate" got little tired OF doing the
hold-up act, and Watts began to get
funny. This" said he, as Apple
gate picked up No. 4 or 5 or 6, you
will observe, is about the size Of Gen.
Applegate's stomach" YES" drawled
Lish, in his inimitable way, "and
that, ladies and gentlemen" pointing
TO the big stomach picture on the
wall, lis about the size, you will OBJ
serve. OF Bro. Watts stomach" And
to this day Bro. Watts can't see for
the life OF him, what was SO funny to
a