davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Difficult to Understand.

Customer-"Here is something in nv
chicken salad, waiter, that looks a good
deal like feathers"
Waiter-"Eat cahn't be possible,
sah"
Customer 'Why not?"
"kase calves dom hab no
feathers. "-1he Eb0cA.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
ParadOxcS.

Have you ever seen
a fclon on the finger of scorn2
A sly on the eye of faith.
a stone bruisc on tho heel Of des-
potisma
Bunions on tho foot of mountain
a heel that wears the spur of the mo-
mcnt2
a spar from the ship of state2
-Arkdnsaw 7rapeler.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Good Enough for Him,

Boarder Ito landlady)-'T an afraid,
Mira. Hendricks, that I shall have to
leave you at tho end of tho week"
Landlady-"You can't leave, Mr.
Dumlcy, until you have paid your back
board"
Boarder-"very well, then, l will
stay on. "--Harper's Bdur.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Looking Ahead.

"You must be very fond of me,n she
murmured, as she leaned her golden
head against his tricot vest.
What makes you think so7" he asked
in tones of tenderness.
because you have only known me a
week, and yet my little brother says that
he has seen you hanging around our
house every day since we became ac-
quainted; Such ardor, am afraid, will
not last"
"Shall tell you why have been
hanging around your house during the
dnyI' ne asked, as he pressed the tiny
hand which nestled SO lovingly and so
confidently in his own.
Tell me-"
u am trying to get acquainted with
the dog. "-Bo1toa Courier.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
4 Little Too Hnstx.

Old Farmer Crosscut Crushing into
editorial oiiicel-"Stop my paperl Stop
1t right awayl l won't stand seeing
such lazy lubbcr as Zeke Doolittle
pulled to the skies. There. do YOU
hear met Pm in dead carncst.n
Editor-"All right, MIR. Crosscut.
John ito the dcviD run up stairs and
tell Lower Case to stop the press at
once. Tell him, too, to take out that
quarter column puff of Farmer Crosscut
ana his big crops. and put in its place
the account OF the man who tried to
stop Il buz saw By sitting down on it.
Your paper has been stopped, MIR. Cross
cut. You arc six months III arrears.
One dollar, please"
Crosscut isoliloquizing ON the street,
''Pll go right home now and tickle the
hind legs of the white mule with short
straw. "-Drake's Magazine.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05

The English sparrow is credited with
having nearly exterminated the foreign
cabbage worm in the very extensive cab
bage- fields around Chicago.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Not So Very Mad.

Mr.. Firth, In his autobiography, tells
the following story of the Duke of Glou-
cestcr, who, though an amiablc Prince,
was not brilliant intellectually, and
was familiarly known rs "Silly Billy.n
Visiting lunatic asylum, the Prince
was told that there was a peculiarly
violent patient, whom he could not safely
approach.
well. but" said the Duke, "can't |
get Just peep at him somehow, eh |!
without his getting ut me-"
"S:r, there's small square opening in
the door of the cell through which he
receives his food; it is barred. II your
hoSal Ilishness is so very desirious you
might -"
hci"
The royal visitor was led toward the
bottom OF long passage.
The Duke peered through the bars,
bowling ceased, and the mad man ex-
claimed:
Hello. why that's Silly Billy"
Good gracious" said the Duke, che
knows me-"
"Oh, yes" said the Governor, che has
his lucid intervals"
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05

"Detectives arc no good" said Tom
my, who WAS reading newspaper.
"Why not2" asked his fathor.
cit says there are number of Con-
gressmcn at large. If the detectives
were any good they would run 'cm in
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
A Fatal Mistake.

Ambitious Mamma" ETHEL, didn't 1
see young Mr. Ferguson paying particu-
lar attention to you last evening at the
partyt"
Ethcl-"Yes. mamma; but l snubbed
him ctTcctually before the evening was
over"
Mamma-"Horror of horrors! Are
you crazy"
Ethel-"Not at all, mamma. Not
this winter. His father is an ice pack
er."
Mnmma-"Yes, but he makes artificial
ice"
Daughter faints). = Chicago Tribune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
LOVES RESUME.

The Sun, the Rose, the Lily, the Dove
loved them all in my carly love,
love them no longer, but her alone
The Pure, the Tender, the Only, the One;
For she herself, my Queen Of Love,
Is Rose, and Lily, and Sun, and Dovol
-He{ne.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
BrcnN Milking.

Once, in going down the river to New
Orleans at dull season when there was
not much travelling. found myself en-
tircly without pleasant lady com panions.
So, nftcr getting tired of reading,
asked and obtained permission to sec
tho tnker make his rolls for tea. lie was
very obliging, and l spent an hour or two
out of each day i'll tho bake room, watch
ing, taking dots, and asking bread ques-
tons. Since then l have usually gone
exactly by his directions in making
bread and rolls, except the addition of
little sugar and the use of home. made
yeast instead of bakers yeast, which
cannot always get in the country. |
have tried other bread recipes, but find
mono to equal the following in simple ty
and certainty:
One large homemade yeast cake or n
small cup of bakers yeast, two cups of
milk-warm water; add to this five Lowell
cups of flour, measured before sitting,
and ono level tablespoon of salt and
sugar; mix this into a dough and work
well; put in creased bucket, cover
closely and set 1t to rise in q warm
place in winter, cool place in summer.
When light, which will be in four or
five hours, make into two loaves with
out any more working or adding any
flour, putting a little melted butter on
top and between the loaves. Put these
In deep baking pan, covered, and let
them rise an hour, or little longer if
not light in that time. Then bake in q
moderate oven. Just before browning,
little butter on top improves the crust.
A little more or less flour than is given
may be used, as some flour thickens
more than others, but five cups to two of
water is as good general rule as can be
laid down. Bread may be started in the
morning and baked in six or seven
hours, or started at night and baked In
tho morning. 1t rises faster in warm
weather. Everybody says my bread is
superfne, light, tender and wholesome.
I'd say 30, too, if excessive modesty
didn't prevent. y .troit Free Press.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05

There has been great increase in the
production of oats of late years in the
United States.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

Sot from the whole wide world choose thoe,
sweetheart. light of the land and tho seal
tho wide. wide world could not incloss the,
-for thou art the whole Wide world to me.
Richard Glider.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Editor and Littcrareur.

Editor writing to eminent literary
man:
"If you will send us story-say 1900
to 1000 words-we will pay you SO o.
You understand that this is $2D5 for the
use of your name and S5 for the story
our usual rates"
Literary man:
~ regret to say that have no time or
inclination to write the story, but l en-
close my name. which you may use, aud
In return send me check for 1895. %
Burlington Free Press.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEM OF THE PRESS.

Warnod-Very True-Good Enough
for Him-Just Saved Borself-
Paradoxcs-His Reward-Etc.
Minister-"You say great many
bright things Bobby, don't you7"
Bobby-"Not as many Gs used to-"
Minister-"Why mott"
Bobby-"S Slippers.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05

Nine elevated railroads arc proposed
for Chicago.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
Biggest Job They Ever Heardo or

There was some kind of q medical So
ciety holding q meeting ut the Grand
Pacific Hotel and it set the boys in the
Office talking about surgical operations
and the big aud important ones they had
heard of. Enoch Whipplc and John
Hey were on watch, and were having
a lively debate while Paul Gore was try
ing to figure up mans bill. The
cashier, finding he could not ge: salts
factory solution OF how much the guest
owed for three days and quarter at
$3.50 per day, took hand In the talk.
He told how an oculist he had heard of
once took a mans eye out of the socket,
scraped it clean and then put it back
ag,in as good as new. "That amt
circumstance to what heard" said Mr.
WMpple; speaking of big operations
what do you think of Lansing llancing)
M chigan." "That must have been quite
a Job" SAID John Kelley, "bu; it is no
greater than one know OF; this is not
surgical operation, it is truo, but it struck
me as pretty big job for any one to un-
dcrtake." "Well, whit was the Job,
john" said Enoch and Paul, simulta.
neously. why" said Mr.. Kelley, az
think Wheeling, West Virginia. is about
rs big Job US ever heard of."- Chicago
IIera[{
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
A Promotion.

"You seem downcast," said n travel
ing man to friend. "What is tn,
troublei"
"IhF 9 struck hard luck.n
''In what wayf"
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
ERoa

The rense OF the world is short
Long and various tho report
To love and be beloved;
Men and gods have not outlcarnod it;
And, how oft soccer they've turned il,
IT'S not to be improved.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-05
GRANpMAMMA's VALENTINE.


Two little brides after ono hyl
|" onder If mey6e they moan you and l.
Wil[Boy and Jiml
Two little builders, that you can SEQ;
And If one Of 'em's you and tue othor Is mo,
j. Wonder who's hint
.sutterhics is such o1-culiar thingsi
Nothing at all but just two little wings.
Guess they must DO
Quick winl'ie thinkesl Wonder II this
Isn't think, or dear flying kiss,
+ Fom g'annie to wei
S'pose VIC can catch It'll And then II wo do
Is ono half for and the othor for youl
I or-s'pose we just look
"A ny doesn't want to be tored into two.
and kiss Is as good, when you know It has
few,
As If 1t was took.
-Mrs. A. D. T. IVhitney.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
A Very Useful Article.

Mr.. J. O. Hebert, the photograph
artist in this city, has proven himself
quite genius in the invention of what
he terms ''Finger-ring Scissors" He
has obtained patent thereon and will
soon either dispose of his patent, or
else commence their manufacture.
The Milwaukee Sentinel of the 10Th
inst contained the following comph-
mentarY notice: Mr.. J. O. Hebert, of
Grand Rapids, Wis, has recently had
patented very useful article known as
"Finger-ring Scissors" his own inven-
ton. When in use they rest between
the first and second fingers of the
hand, fastened with two Ilngs around
the first and one ring around the sec
ond fingers. When you want to use
the scissors you simply spread apart
the fingers, and cut a thread or piece of
twine very quickly. They are a unique
invention and will undoubtedly in a
few years be in general use by clerks,
seamstresses and tailors."
1t is our wish that Mr.. Hebert NAV
realize handsomely from this unique
invention, which we have reason to
believe that in few years will be a
most popular article.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Death of L. a. Houston.

1t is with feelings of sorrow when we
think of the sad ending of the life of a
fellow human being at his own hands.
1t is a thought which sends thrill of
timidity and horror through our nervous
system when called upon to chronicle
such an event as transpired last Sunday
forenoon on the farm of L. A. Houston,
two miles south of the city. Here, In
behalf of the sorrowing relatives and
friends of the deceased, we throw the
mantle of charity over the heart-sicken
ing details, and suffice it to say that Mr..
Houston was discovered suspended
from beam in his barn, dead. The
following note was found on wash
stand in the house, which apparently
had been written only few moments
before he committed the deed of self
destruction, which explains fully his
feelings at the time, and what was
uppermost on his mind:
L. A. Houston born May Goth, 1915,
died October 18th, 1889. | know | will
be considered fool, and probably that
will be a correct conclusion, but L am
tired of life and the impulse to suicide
is irresistible"
Ever since his wife and companion
in times of happiness and adversely
died, some five years ago, his has been
a sad life, full of griefs and sorrows.
Wife gone; children all married and
gone away to homes of their own in
different parts Of the country, leaving
none near of kin to comfort and cheer
the poor old father in his declining
years, life had become burden. and
not so easy matter to throw off and
cast aside the gloomy thoughts and
forebodings which are constantly be-
setting mans pathway through life, he
sought relief from all his sorrows in the
cold embrace of the Angel death.
Mr.. Houston was one of the old
pioneers of Wood county; coming here
in the ffties, and wherever he has
lived in the county he won the conf
dence and esteem of all he came in
contact with. Honest and upright in
all his dealings with his fellow-me en-,
believing fully i'll the Golden Rule of
doing unto others that which he would
have others do unto him.
He leaves two sons and one daughter
to mourn his loss: Charles, of this city,
Thomas, of Glendale, Dakota, and Mrs
Annie Wheelock, of Medford, Wis.
The funeral services were held from
the Cong'i Church on Tuesday afternoon
and the remains inferred in the old
cemetery, Rev. Campbell officiating
Pittsville Independent.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Pulp Mill Burned.

The large pulp mill in Centralia own
ed by Mrs. NJ. L. Bensley was DESTROYED
by fire last Friday afternoon. About
one o'clock great volumes of smoke were
seen issuing from the rear, or river
side of the mill. The Grand Rapids
engine and company responded imme-
diately and did everything possible to
stay the progress of the fire, but their
efforts were in vain. The flames con-
sumed the mill with such rapidity that
the men employed therein were obliged
to escape with their lives. No clue to
the origin of the fire unless it was
caused by friction of machinery in the
basement where the fire first was seen.
The fire company were successful IN
staying the flames so that the founda-
ton was largely preserved.
The loss will not only be heavy for
Mrs. Bensely, but it is sad occurance
to the business interests of Centralia.
However we are assured by telegram
from Mrs. Bensley that it will be
rebuilt next summer. The mill employ
ed several men constantly and these
are now thrown out of employment.
The mill and machinery was insured
for $50, $50; SIS, 1000 of which was on
machinery and balance on building.
The j. d. Witter agency held $4,000 OF
this insurance and the remainder is
held by Mutual companies in Chicago.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Hiles gets Another Postponement.

There was another hitch in the Hiles-
Carter breach-of-promise suit Monday.
Neither Hiles nor his attorney being
present III Commissioner Ryan's court
when the case was called. The case
continued TO Thursday by Mr.. Ryan,
who had received a telephone message
on Saturday from Lawyer Briggs asking
that it be so postponed as he was
obliged to go to Madison. Lawyer
Cox, who was present with his client,
Miss Carter, vigorously objected to the
continuance. claiming that the defend
and was afraid to come to trial, but he
objected to no purpose.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24

Sunday Telegraph: Let the boy
learn a trade, even though you do not
expect that he will follow it. Let him
be a blacksmith, machinist, wagon
maker, shoemaker, printer, a steno-
grapher, a carpenter, almost anything
so that he has trade by which he can,
if necessary, earn his living. While he
is learning his trade he is being disci-
plined 1t is a notable fact that there
are very few professional men and very
few men who have learned trades who
are behind the bars of prisons and jails
unless we except New York bankers.
There are 1000 convicts in the
Pennsylvania penitentiary and only
nine men who have trades. Have the
boy lealn trade.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24

Probably the oldest man in the
United States closed his career in this
life on the 10Th inst. at Junction City.
He was born on the 1st day of January
1776, and was therefore 113 years, 9
months and Is days old at the time of
his death.
Mr. Waterman came to Wood County
in an early day and has resided in this
city for several years past. He was
married several times during his life
time and was divorced from his last
wife on account of incompatibility Of
temper. He was visiting with his son
Mark at junction City, when he passed
away. He simply felt poorly and laid
down and died without a struggle. The
Milwaukee Sentinel narrates the fol-
lowing events Mr.. Waterman witnessed
during his life: 'William Waterman,
who died in Wood County in this state
Thursday, was a good sized baby when
the Declaration of Independence was
made; he was nearly six years old
when CORVALLIS surrendered; he was
fourteen when Washington was first
inaugurated he was twenty-five years
old when Washington died; he was
thirty-one when Fulton's steamboat
made its trial trip; he was man in
middle life when the last war with
England closed; he was man Of sixty
two when the Mexican war closed-and
he was an old man of eigbty-four when
Lincoln was inaugurated. He was
nearly sixty when the American
settlement of Milwaukee begun. What
wonderful procession of events be
witnessed, from the declaration of
independence of the thirteen colonies,
to the admission of Washington terri
tory as a state"
His remains were laid away in their
last resting place last Friday afternoon
in Forest Hill cemetery, Rev. Provision
officiating.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Group can be Prevented.

We want every mother TO know that
Group can be prevented. There is no
question about this; as it has been done
in thousands of cases, and you may
depend upon it that when child takes
the Group, it is wholly owing to the
negligence of its parents. True Group
never appears without due and timely
warming; few hours, or a day or two
before the attack, the child becomes
hoarse. This hoarseness is the first
indication of Group, and is a sure sign
that Group is to follow, unless promptly
treated. The free use of Chamberlain s
Cough Remedy as directed with each
bottle, under the heading ''To Prevent
Group" will dispel all symptoms of the
disease. For sale by Walter L. Wood.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
PATENTS GRANTED

To citizens of Wisconsin during the
past week, & reported for this paper by
&. A. Snow & Co, Patent lawyers, Opp.
U. S. Patent Office, Washington, ID. &.
j. F. Birchard, Milwaukee, lubricator.
J. Zen, Amherst, sharpening plow
points. H. Kaufman, Milwaukee,
lounge. P. V. Lawson. Menasha, Pull
ley. n. Shaw, Eau Claire, friction
clutch. G. P. Sherman, Milwaukee,
car axle lubricator. L. Sherman, Mil
waukee, temperature regulator. G. c..
Smalley, Manitowoc. feed cutter box
A. o. Smith, Sheboygan, gas generator.
P. j. Tracy, Racine, electric generators.
G. III. Vollhardt, Milwaukee, vehicle
tongue. HI. NJ. Waltman, ,Lomire, rail
way spike.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Au Bon Marche'

Why will you keep caring for
what the people say? Do not
look at the color of the man, nor
at his religion, nor at his national
ity, but every day of the year look
at the prices of the goods he sells
and their excellent qualities. Great
God How some of our competi-
tors feel sore (maD and do all they
can to hinder (embecher) the people
from entering our doors. but it
will not work gentlemen NfSSfnS)
Our prices will land them in our
store from all over the country (de
baytOu0 and while you are standing
within zen dedanS) your doors look
ing into the skies (aas ciel) to see
whether it is going to rain or not
(mau0ais tembS.) We are raking
in (n0ns m0isS0nn0uS) the coins, and
spot and short profits do it.
Our school supply is in full
blast. States, pencils, paper, tab
lets and prices are way down
under the rocks.
Our tea combination works a
marvelNe. Ladies, children and
mems rubbers we sell ali P5zr con-
tant.
We propose to make this fall
great holocaust of parlor heating
and cook stoves. But the extra
grand offering will be two lengths
of best stove pipe and one elbow
for 25c. Come and see the fun.
c. E. PARISEAU.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24

B. Silber just returned from
New York and Philadelphia where
he has bought an immense stock
of Mems, Boys and Childrens
clothing, consisting of Suits, Over
coats, Hats, Caps, Underwear,
Boots and Shoes, Dry Goods,
Flannel Suitings, Cloaks, Carpets,
ETC., which will be sold at bedrock
prices. Call early and get the
best bargains ever offered in this
city or Centralia for frst-class
goods. We do not handle any
ten year old shelfworn or second
hand clothing. Nothing but first
class goods sold in this establish
ment. b. SlLBER.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Baby Show and Supper.

A baby show Will take place in
Centralia, on Thursday, the oath inst,
in the building formerly occupied by
Mr. Natwick as furniture store, on
Water street rhe babies will be d1vi-
ded into three classes:-
First.-Under six months.
Second.-FrOm 6 to IS months.
hird.-From Is months to years
Everyone casting a vote will pay five
cents. The child receiving the largest
number of votes. in each class, will be
awarded a prize.
At O'Clock P. NJ, supper will be
served. Price of supper, with oysters,
80 cents; without oysters, 20 cents.
A general invitation is extended to
everybody to come and have good
supper, and cast their vote for the
babies; and let the mothers all come
with their babies, and see that their
respective claims are properly recog-
nized.
ID
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
Their Business Booming.

Probably no one thing has caused
such general revival of trade at w. L.
Wood & Co.'S, drug store as their giving
away to their customers of so many free
bottles of DR.. Kings New Discovery fl r
Consumption Their trade is simply
enormous in this very valuable article
from the fact that it always cures and,
never disappoints. Coughs, Colds
Asthma, Bronchitis, Group, and al
throat and lung disease quickly cured
You can test it before buying by getting
a trial bottle free, large size 81. Every
bottle warranted. 3