Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-01-14

Perhaps il is because fresh air is free
that so many of our fashionable churches
decline to have it.
new broom sweeps clean; but il
doesn't sweep half as clean as new hired
girl with an old broom.
A Christmas belle-The girl with the
ring in her voice who will always chime
in when anything is toled.
Little Freddie was awe-struck when the
hotel waiter announced for dessert zap
ple-pie, plum-pudding and baked Indian"
A number of the little post-oflices are
aching to call themselves Harrison but
they are afraid that the democratic Post
master General would frown them out.
Tramp-Don't get excited, Miss. | was
presented with a turkey at the last house,
and having found the wish-bone, l have
called, thinking you might like TO break
it with me.
what is that dear, delightful, old-fash-
toned chair worth?" she inquired. 1T is
worth, madam said the honest dealer,
Just about sl.75; the price of it, how
ever, is So"
At the church sociable. Niyacious
young lady-Guess what we are going to
have tonight, Mrs. Bascome-charades
Mrs. Bascome-I knowed it / smelt EN-
clear out to the gate.
Mrs. Popinjay never uses slang, but she
came very near it the other day, when she
caught her lazy chamber maid sitting at
ease in the parlor, and exclaimed, "Now
you get up and dust"
Belinda-What would you say my dear,
if / should tell you that young Springey
has asked me to be his wifey Mabel-lt
wouldn't surprise me; l have always
said he was eccentric.
An old chap of ninety-two set out TO
dance at a country picnic in Massachu-
sets, and the bones of his legs snapped
like pipe stems. You can't "swing part
ners" safely after about eighty-nve.
Il thought you said YOU were going to
move your house, Smith," "Well, | did
think of it, but came to the conclusion
that it could not be done" "Why not?Y
1.-The mortgages would break the jacks.
The Southerners lost the election, but
they have a big cotton crop which miti-
gates the disaster. You can't have every
thing you want i'm this world, but the fell
low who has a pile Of cotton bales has
his full share
During the war a fresh-faced soldier,
taking in the sights at Washington, be-
came bewildered in the marble labyrinth
at the capital and anXiously inquired the
way to the blouse of Reprobates. He
wanted to find the House of Representa-
tives.
"What in the world, John, asked his
wife, "did you open that can of tomatoes
WITH" "a can opener, Of course" he
growled. "What do you suppose open
ed it with?" 81 thought from the Ian
guage that you used that you opened it
with prayer"
An editor out west put love letter he
had written into the copy box, and his
editorial upon the proper observance of
| marital duJleS ne sent 10 MS love. Inc
letter appeared in his paper, and he is
chasing his compositors all over the coun-
try with a tomahawk in each hand.
A reporter connected with one Of our
leading daily newspapers canvassed a
train the other morning as TO what paper
was altogether the most popular. His
own paper received four votes, while
the remaining sixty-two were evenly di-
vided between wall paper and fly paper.
Minister-Well, Bobby, what did you
learn at school to-day? Bobby learned
that the world is round, and turns on
hinges like that one in the parlor. Minis
ter-Weu, what did you think OF that?
Bobby think that they ask me 10 be-
lieve a good deal for little boy.
"But what an awful lot o. money these
/ heightened travellers waste in drink, -
said Uncle Abner, as he laid down his
newspaper. ga man who'll pay hun
dred dollars for saloon passage TO Eng
land when he can go in the steerage for
$50 is slave to rum-thaL's what say =