Union County courier. [volume] (Elk Point, Union County, D.T. [S.D.]) 187?-1913, 1889-02-06
A Letter.

- I0xt0f.
EDITOR CoURlER.--I am a profes.
sor in the domain Of love and sweet
matrimony. The world is my eli
entage for advice in its occult mys.
teries. The subjoined letter is &C
unique that l give it in print, as
feminine curiosity is languishing fol
the latest wrinkle Of cupid's inyen.
tons:
"My DEAR PRoF.-I am a young
girl of sixteen, and an, in a dilem.
ma. The latest fad in connubiai Sc.
lection is that your intended in
name must approximate or cores
pond to some physiological develop.
ment, organ OF member, into which
science has mapped out our-oul
bodies. II so, the "oracle" guaran.
tees that no storm domestic shall
wreck our Eden of love aud constan-
cy; no maelstrom of passion or jeal.
cusy engulf our welded souls, MOI
dash our more than life on the black
rock of the divorce court. CThis by
way of prologue.) And now my
dear, dear Prot. I reach my diem
ma, and solicit your wise teachings,
Three young men are in the throes
Of dissolution for love of your cor.
respondent, and each in name coin.
cides with the above formula. No.
one is Mr.. Buzum. The idea! two
bo-bo-buzums; ha-ha-ha, and to
be addressed as Mrs. Bo-Bo-Buz.
pm, / wonder If he deals in cotton
ESr< Sfsets.s Then-but I'll ask Mr..
Buz. and-O, dear, Prof, sympa.
thize with me and-I do believe the
stays will burst from an upheaval
Of my--of the may-be-Ms Buzum's
bosom.
No. two has the euphonious name
of Mr.. Rellaphone. Now if it had
been Bellyacher-Oh! fan me, ye
angels of Bellyhack, ere I swoon.
Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear! Don't
you think, Prof, such union might
heget obesity? And just imagine
the possible young Bellaphones--a
dozen or more-waist measure sew
enty inches. And dear Prof. is it
true that science has positively To-
Gated the soul in the stomach? Now
reason teaches, the larger the cask
the more wine it will hold; then by
analogy it follows, the larger the
waist band the greater the soul. You
see, Professor, l am figuring out how
| may catch on in the sweet by and
hy~.rnd soar into elysium Oh Bella
phones soul, should my own not
initiate, and should | become Bella
phones Bellaphone.
No. three, and last, is Mr.. Legg,
he-he-he. fle imrlores me to be-
come Mrs. Legg, Northumberland to
leg it with him through life on legs,
ha,ha-ha. Yes, ! am actually blush
ing-how my cheeks burn. The
idea! Leggs and gar-whew! Holy
Moses! there, l shall swoon dead
away. Oh! Oh! All! There, | am
better; yes, smiling. Now, old and
wise Prof, in three months time l
shall be II Buzum, a Rellaphone or
Legg, and | want you to advise me
which of the three men, considering
their affinity with the organs or
members specified, will work the
most potent charm over my life.
| cont mean in sentimental rhap.
soiies or love verbiage, but in use.
fulness. For instance, l am inordi-
nately fond of OK tail soup, with a
dash of brandy to pickle the tail;
and crabs-divine crabs-"lit food
for Gods" my appetite is a slave to
their carcasses. Now l want Il hus-
band to watch the cat and keep her
feline brush out of my OK tail, pick
the heart and liver from the crabs
abdominal regions with a four tined
gold fork, and on his Blended knees
feed me until | am m}l-and hold
me till | till again. That is wha.
love calls homage. Such, Prof, is
the man | want. Only that l am
so innately modest and delicately
punctilious, ! should have married
years ago. Why, our minister would
have appointed me a missionary
among the Mormons only for my
diaphanous innocence and cloudy
dclicacy. Even the W. G. T. L. inn
plored me to act as their accredited
temperance lecturer until it learned
how | picked OK tail. ! even then
offered a compromise by substitut-
ing champagne, when l was eoolly
informed that there was only enough
Of that tiprle manufactured for the
society. Kind and patient Prof. /
await, with FACILITATING bosom, your
reply" SAL.
NV answer to the above will APP
pear at the next new moon.
A great many persons who have
found no relief from other treatment
have hoen curad of rheumatism nv