The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1889-03-15
REMARKS FROM WM. NYE.
Regarding the Champion Bette NOire

Yesterday 1 associated for some
time with the champion bette noire.
As bette noire he could give a self
made moral leper thirty points, and
still sail out of the game in blaze of
red fire and a cyclone of applause.
He was tolerably stout, and when he
sat down on my valise and crushed
bottle of Edenia, presented to me
by an admirer in Kentucky, L re-
preached him in measured and we'll
chosen terms, but he just trotted his
embonpoint on the other knee a little
while and watched the everchauging
kaleidoscope as it sped past the win
dow.
When the conductor came into the
car the bete noire had no ticket, so
he rendered the regular fare. The
conductor was sorry but would have
to trouble him for 10 cents more, as
it was paid on the train. The bette
noire called me to witness that he
rendered the regular fare, and that
he would be OstraciZed, embalmed
and fricasseed in the southeast cor
ner of Satan's hottest precinct before
he would yield any more. The con-
ductor was a pale, blonde man, who
only gets mad every four years, but
little hectic spots broke out behind
his ears, and a strange light came
into his gentle blue eyes.
"Come over here moment, Shorty"
he said to the rear brakeman. go
and tell Skinney White, ON the sec
ond day coach, to come back here
with you. We've got large Suffolk
in Section II. that we will have to
put into corn field, [ guess. Tell
him to bring the ice tongs out of the
baggage car"
Then the bette noire tied his legs
around the car seat and the train
stood still, the engine bell ringing,
and but 200 people waiting the mo-
tion of man who refused to pay 10
cents extra because he had failed to
get his ticket at the station.
Shorty and Skinny both came back
with a look of determination and
gloves that had the fingers cut off.
Each spat on his hands and took hold
of the dead bette noire. They lifted
him little and Shorty fell over into
my lap with small wisp of the fat
mans lingerie in each hand. They
both grabbed at him again and took
out little handfuls of bristles, as one
does who tries to pull reluctant
shoat from a scalding barrel on butch
ering day. At last they lifted him
and expedited him along the aisle
from seat to seat, as he took little
mementoes from the features of law
abiding passengers, who were all get
ting further and further behind time
and losing connections because the
bette noire wouldn't pay his ten cents
One man said: Here! I'll pay you
10 cents. Great heavens! I've got to
lecture at Tailholt, Ind, tomorrow,
and if do not get there | lose So and
my expenses"
Just as he was falling off the plat
form into a cattle-guard the bette
noire paid his ten cents and remained.
The heavy train, twenty minutes late
and liable to lose its rights on the
road, tried to start up grade. The
bette noire, with his bristles down his
spine column and his wealth of Wis
cera trembling like jelly roll, stole
my paper and took a seat. 4
That night he snored like the sough
of bathtub, chewed invisible food,
put staccto inhammatus at the end
of each snore and scared two little
motherless children awake with h is
stertorous recitals. He received a
slight testimonial ever and anon until
morning, when his berth looked like
boot and shoe store. In the morn
ing he bathed for over an hour, while
the rest of the people stood around
with draped suspenders, saying
things which would look sadly out of
place in pure, nice paper like this
He bathed his concave mug and soz-
zled and spattered and blew and bel
lowed till he got his nose to bleeding.
Then he got wild and decorated that
whole end of the car till it looked
like the battle of Gettysburg. Finally
peace was declared. and just as he
left the field we drew into st. Louis.
Twenty exasperated men, unkept and
unwashed, went out of the car and
skunk away to find a hotel. was
one of them. BILL NYE.