The morning news., 1889-04-11
TIE SANDWICH ISLANDS.
Mark Twain's Delightful Recollections
OF Them.

AU-AmeTica base pan clupS III Ne" oIA
tbe other day, one of the speakers was Mark
twain. who spoke as follows:
nTbouch not native, as intimated by
.,o chairman, | have visited, a great many
.ao .iaors ago, the Sandwich Islands-that
yyoaceful land, that beautiful land, that far
PPg home of profound repose, and soft indo-
Illcn On and dreamy solitude, where life is
l9,si nre long. slumberless Sabbath, the climate
0I,e one long delicious summer day, and the
o.aod that die experience no change, for
sSbsy hut fall asleep in one heaven and wake
~ ~ !, another And these boys have PLAYED
Sppsa bali there!-base ball, which is the
ssrv symbol, the outward and visible
oVTnression of the drive and push and rush
and struggle of the raging, tearing, BOOM
;1r nineteenth century! One cannot re-
LIE IT. the place and the fact are so
;ncougruous; it's like interrupting funeral
,Tirb circus. Why, there's no legitimate
Doint of contact, no possible kinsaip, be-
4Fveen baseball and the Sandwich Islands;
baseball is all fact, the islands all sentiment.
In baseball you've got to do everything just
riobt or YOU don't get there; in the islands
you've got to do everything just wrong
10 Get it right, for if you do it right yoN
Get it wrong !; there isn't any way to get it
right but to do it wrong, and the wronger
YOU do it the Fighter it is.
1.-THE natives illustrate this every day.
They never mount a horse from the lar
board side, they always mount him from
tbe starboard: on the other hand, they
never milk a COW on the starbOard side,
they always milk her on the Iarboard; it's
why YOU see SO many short people there
they've got their heads kicked off. When
thew meet on the road they don't turn out
to the right, they turn out to the left. And
go. from always doing everything wrong
end first that way it makes them left-hand-
ed-left-handed and cross eyed; they are all
So When a child is born the mother goes
right along with her ordinary work,
without losing half a day-lt's the
father that knocks off and goes to
he'd till he gets over the circumstance. And
those natives don't trace descent through
the male line but through the female.
They say they always know who a child's
mother was Well, that odd system is well
enough there, because there woman often
has as many as six or seven husbands, all at
the same time-and all properly married to
her, and no blemish about the matter
anywhere. Yet there is no fussing, no
trouble When a child is born the
husbands all meet together in convention,
in d perfectly orderly way, and elect
the father. And the whole thing Is per-
fectly fair; at least as fair as it would be
anywhere. Of course you cannot keep pol
itics out-you couldn't do that in any coun-
try: aud so, if three of the husbands are
republicans and four are democrats, it don't
make any difference now strong a republi-
can aspect the baby has got, that election Is
going democratic every time. And in the
matter of that election those poor people
stand at the proud altitude of the very
highest christian civilization, for they know,
as well as we, that all women are ignorant,
and so they don't allow that mother to
vote
I'm those islands the cats haven't any
tails and the snakes haven't any teeth; and
what Is still more irregular, the man that
loses a game gets the pot. And as to dress,
the native women all wear a single gar
ment, but the men don't. No; the men
don't wear anything at all. They hate dis
play When they even wear a smile they
think they are overdressed. Speaking of
birds, the only bird there that has any
ornamental feathers has only two, just
barely enough to squeeze through with, and
they are under It's wings Instead of on top
of its head, where, of course, they ought to
be to do any good.
1.-The native language is soft and liquid
and flexible, and in every way efficient and
satsfactory-till you get mad; then, there
you are; there isn't anything in it to swear
with. Good judges all say it is the best
Sunday language there is; but then all the
other six days in the week it just hangs idle
on your hands; it isn't any good for bust
ness, and you can't work a telephone with
it. Many time the attention of the mis-
sonarieS has been called to this defect, and
they are always promising they are going
to Tx it: but no, they go fooling along and
fooling along, and nothing is done.
Speaking of education, everybody there
is educated, from the highest to the lowest;
In fact, 1t is The only country in the world
tpba ~, IL. A
yet every now and then you run accross
instances of ignorance that are simply re-
voltlng-simply degrading to the human
race. Think OF it-there, the ten takes the
ace But let us not dwell on such tnings,
they make a person ashamed. Well, the
missionaries are always going to fix that,
but they put it off, and put it off, and put
1t Oh, aud so that nation is going TO keep on
going down and down, and down, till some
cay you will see pair OF jacks beat a
straight flush
We'll, it is refreshment to the jaded,
water TO the thirsty, to look upon men who
have SO lately breathed toe soft airs of
thoSe Isles of the Blest, and had before their
eyes the lnextinguiShable vision of their
beauty. No alien land in all the world has
any deep charm for me but that one, no
other land could so Iongingly and so be-
teecnlngly haunt me, sleeping and waking,
sNiOuSH hal1 1tetlme, as that one has
done. Other things leave me, but it abides;
other things change, but it remains the
same. For me it's balmy airs are
always blowing, its summer seas flash
ing IN the sun, the pulsing of it's
ssurf-beat is in my ear. l can see it, gar
!9haed crags, its leaping cascades, its
plumy palms browsing by the shore, its
remote SUBMITS floating like islands above
tue cloud rack; can feel the spirit of its
woodland sohtudes, can hear the plash of
us brooks, IN my nostrils still lives the
breath OF flowers that perished twenty
years ago. And these world wanderers who
gu tt1 before us here have lately looked upon
these things and with eyes of flesh, not the
thsatlst ylng vision of the spirit. envy
1es, and | would envy them some
'. naI oI %! oi the glories they have achieved in
otI. oneII niustrlous march about the mighty
k SknculnIerence OF the earth, if it were fair;
, Dut no, IL was an earned run, and envy
1u %ouIu DO out OF place. | will rather ap-
%ptauu-add pau my hail and welcome to the
C'S1s ceSy SHout now going up from Maine to the
Suii, IRON the Florida keys to froZau Alas
"a out OF the throats of the other 65, 100000
~, ~ .neH countrymen. They have carried
tne American name to the uttermost
psIS OF the earth, and covered it
"'u glory every time That is a service
sentiment; but they did the gen
sd s,aI world large practical service also, a
VetVlce 10 the great science Of geography.
a. thlnk OF tnat We don't talk enough
~ UUHSut that-don't give it its full value.
nhy, when these BOYS started out YOU
NOIlQub the a1tt tor # ali ,vo,, could