Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-09-18
The Stub-Tailed Cow.


humor are seemingly inexhaustible.
One, which think has never appear
ed in print, comes from man who
held a prominent Office under Lincoln
and knew the great statesman well.
At an official ball some thieves made
off with many of the hats and over
coats Of the guests, so that when the
presidential party was ready to take
leave Vice President Hamlin's head
covering was not to be found.
"I'll tell you what, Hamlin," said Il
friend "early in the evening | saw a
man, possessed of keen foresight, hide
his hat upstairs. am sure he would
be willing to donate it to the admins
tration, and l will 60 and get it for
you"
When the hat was produced it was
found to be very much after the style
affected by Hamlin, but it wore a
badge of mourning, which emblem
the Vice-President ripped off with his
penknife. The party stood chatting
merrily as they stood waiting for the
carriages to be driven up, when a
man stepped directly in front of Mr..
Hamlin and stood staring at the "tile'
with which his head was covered.
"What are you looking at, sir p
asked Hamlin sharply.
"Your hat" answered the man mild
ly. "If it had a weed on it | should
say it was mine."
"Well, it hasn't got weed on it,
has it ?" asked Hamlin.
"No, sir" said the hatless man, 'it
hasn't"
"Then it isn't your hat, is it ?" ask
ed the proud prosessor of it.
"No, | guess not" said the man as
he turned to walk away. When this
little scene was explained to President
Lincoln he laughed heartily and said:
"That reminds me, Hamlin, of Il
long time ago when | was pioneering
and soldering in Illinois, and we put
up a joke on some officers of the Unit
ed States army, My party and |
were long way off from the comforts
of civilized life, and our only neigh
bors were the garrison of a United
States fort. We did pretty fair for
rations, had plenty Of salt meat and
-four, but milk was not to be had for
love or money, and as we all longed
for the delicacy we thought it pretty
mean that the officers of the fort, who
had two cows-a stub-tailed one and
a black and white ne.-ofiered us no
milk, though we threw out many and
strong hints that it would be accepta-
ble At last, after much consultation
we decided to teach them lesson and
borrow or steal one of those COWS, ust
as you choose to put it. But how it
could be done without the COW being
at once identified and recovered was
the question. At last we hit on a
plan. One of our party was dispatch
ed a days ride to the nearest slaught-
er house, where he procured a long
red cows tail to match the color of
the stub-tailed COW, after possessing
ourselves of which animal we neatly
tied our purchase to the poor stub,
and with appetites whetted by long
abstinance we drank and relished the
sweet milk which our cow gave. A
few days afterwards we were honored
by call from the commander of the
fort. Say, boys, said he, we have
lost one of our cows OF course we
felt very sorry and expressed our re-
gret accordingly. But continued
the commander, Il came over to say
that if that COW of yours had stub
tail, | should say it was ours
"'But she hasn't a stub tail, has
she p asked we, sure Of our point.
"'No,' said the officer, she certain
ly has not a stub tall
"'Well, she isn't your COW them
and our argument was as unanswera-
BILE as was Hamlin's. New York
Tribune.