Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-10-13
taker-"Dead. How's yours?" Rag

case SECOND QlttO-'N cry bad the
man never paid his bill"
Jenkins-"You shouldn't have asked
old Henpeckt if he was going to the cir
Gus" Firkins-"Why not ?" Jenkins
Because he was going home"
The word love in one of the Indian dia-
lects is neutrality-suspicious.
This accounts for the fact that Indians
never have but one sweetheart at time.
Mother may go speculate ~
My son, you hand't oughter;
But if you must please do it straight,
And don't 90 near The lrater."
lntolerance-Brown-"What was the
trouble with the paper you started up in
that health resort ?" Smith, ran in a
death column, and the Town Trustees ran
me out"
With a Proviso.-An ancient adage
says: at is better to suffer an injury than
to commit one." But this depends largely
upon circumstances. Size of the other
man, for instance.
Drill officer, out of "Instead
OF attending to your orders, you are al
ways thinking how you are going to walk
Sunday, with your Rosinante, arm in arm,
like the old Don Qulxote."
She Had the Name.-"What are YOU
chillin doin'? A eatin dem green pears {?
Now you walk yourselves in de house yer !;
fust thing you know you'll be down sick in
bed wild pear-eat-in-eat-us"
Mrs. De Fashion (at Long Branch store)
Us there anything new in bathing
suits?" Fair clerk-"No, madam, we
have nothing more outlandish than the
one you bought last month"
1nquiring spectator (at the races y
(Which horse was it that won?" Specu-
lative spectator (sloomily) y)-"I don't know
the name of the horse that won; but |
know the names of most of the horses that
didn't win"
Returned traveller = 81 have often
thought of that young Mr.. Tease, and how
he used to torment Miss Auburn about
her red hair. Did she ever get even with
him?" Old Friend-"Long ago. She
married him."
Must Have Had Tough Time-"Hard
work has done Charlie Barrett good. Just
see what huge muscles he has on his arms" !"
Yes. He wasn't SO last year. What was
mis- work on the ranch ?" He did the
carving at meals"
Self-made Man-"I can't see any sense
in wasting so much time on dead lam
guages." College Student-'Neither can
|. Since Wilkins started in to win the
Latin prize he hasn't been worth a cent
in the boat crew."
Maiden-"What can a woman do when
a man that has won her affections refuses
to marry herr" Lawyer-"Is he rich 2"
"No; hasn't cent" "She can appoint
day of general thanksgiving and invite
both families to participate"
Mr. Blinks lin dairy restaurant, New
York city," Pm most starved for bowl
of milk and some berries with real cream
on 'em. Bring me double order"
Waiter" Yes, sab. Been summering on
farm, s'pose, sab ?"-New York Weekly
Observe the youth as argument
His empty head engages,
Dispose of questions held in doubt
By gray sayantS and sages;
Some twenty summers may have tinged
His cheeks with color ruddy;
And yet he seems by means occult
To have obtained the net result
OF centuries OF study.
"Maria," said Mr.. Jones, as he looked up
from his breakfast coffee, "can you tell me
vixenish Mrs. Talk?' "CertainIv Henry"
was the easy reply. 81 do it because it's
the only way in which can find out what
you have been doing"
Wild-eyed Man-"I want lot of poi
son right off" Drug Clerk" It's against
the law to sell poisons to people who look
as if they wanted to commit suicide; but
Pll let you have bottle of DIR. Black
Sequin's Elixir of Life. That seems to
be pretty sure death"
"Oh, Uncle George" cried tender
hearted Rollo, his eyes filling with tears,
''let us give some money to that poor wo-
man over there on the sand. See, she
has hardly any clothes on p' "Sure
enoughP' said Mr.. George. "Why in
thunder didn't you point her out before ?"
Cupid once, on mischief bent,
Took his truest, sharpest dart,
And, with glance of merriment.
Sent it straight at Claras heart.
Bnt the arrow, spurned aside,
Blunted fell. In mocking tone
Naughty Cupid quickly cried,
"Clara's heart is turned to stone"
Summer guest (impatiently have
found dead flies in every dish | touched
this morning, and l think you might at
least make reduction in your charges"
Hotel proprietor-"l can't reduce your bill,
sir; but if you will come with me to the
kitchen, Eli let you hear me swear at the
servants"
Mrs. De Style-"My dear, your ward
robe is three months behind the fashion.
Why don't you have your husband buy
you some new dresses?' Married Daughter
CT can't afford it; he has no money"
Mrs. De Style-"N No money? Well
Well l can't imagine what on earth You
married him for ?"-New York Weekly.
Cross purposes-Coriins (reading dis
patches about Lendon strike)-"That
fellow Burns is sadly lacking in
judgment" McStab (hotly, looking
up from sporting page e)-"He is,
eh J Put out five men on third, assisted to
put out four and made no errors If you
can't talk anything but gulf, don't talk"
Chicago Tribune.
Conductor-"That boy can't be less than
five years old l shall have to charge you
half fare for him." Mr.. Skinnphiint
Enormously looking at his watch )-"No,
you won't It's now o'clock. That boy
won't be five years old till exactly 7:30,
and we expect to get off this train at ex-
actly 7:2S. If you charge me anything for
that boy Pll report you"
A Texas man who was innocent of crime
was sent to prison for twelve years. He
thought himself forsaken by Providence,
but as the officials did not o5lige him to
cut his hair, he came out with it hanging
down TO his knees, and dime-museum
man gives him $40 per week for year.
How little we know what is for our own
good Detroit Free Press.
Why does the ocesn rage?
1t misses the form it clasped,
And riots its grief to aSsauge,
For Neptunes temper is rasped.
He tears up the shingly strand
That russetclsd feet have pressed,
And he beats with heavy hand
The shores that he once caressed
Fled from his fond embrace
Back to the city's din
Is the pretty girl with the sun. .bronzed face
And Neptune is mad as sin.
The Boston Way: Managing Editor
"Mr. Faber, what have you in hand lust
?" Ready writer-dNothing in par
ticular." "Well, here is something for
you to write up A boy down in Blind
Alley fell down and lost all his marbles