Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1889-11-14

The Chinese have political saying
which is worthy the reading even Of
American statesmen. 1t is as follows:
When is the Empire well governed, and
affairs go as they should go? When
swords are rusty and spades are bright;
when prisons are empty and grain-bins
filed; when the law courts are lonely
and o'ergrown with grass; when doctors
walk and bakers ride, it is then that
things go as they ought, and the State
is we'll ruled.-Yo uth's Companion.
This is a pen-and-ink sketch of an
American girl, as given in an English
comic paper: "Baron Won Smallpumps
Titles, wealth, position-all these
offer. Why, then, loveliest of Amelias,
will you not be mine?' Miss Wander
tromp-'Why Barn, I'm ready to marry
One-half of We tormorrer, for them feet
of yourn are just lovely. But, as things
stand, I've got to take your head into
the bargain, and | cayn't bring myself
to swaller that nohow. ?"
"A citizen of Eatonton, Ga, smokes
about twelve pounds of tobacco yearly
in pipe that he declares is over two
hundred years old. This leads mathe-
NAUTICAL person to calculate that if that
were the average amount used in the
pipe since its first day, 2,4O0 pounds of
the weed have been burned in its bowl
and if the first S12 had been put out at
compound interest at the iate of ten per
cent. it would now have grown to the
sum of S1,755, 443, 200. just how this
would have benefited the first owner of
the pipe does not appear.
"A Scranton man who had observed a
butcher bird carrying off humble bees
and sparrows, finally traced the bird to
large thorn bush hard by the river
bank, nearly half n away. Impaled
on the sharp thorns 4 found thirteen
beetles, eight humble ,ees, five shriv-
eled mice, and the skeletons of seven
English sparrows. While he was MAX
ing this interesting discovery of the
butcher birds nice and accurate work,
the master of the bush suddenly APP
peared, circled about the spot number
of times, piped spitefully at the intruder,
and seemed to be greatly afraid that a
man was going TO disturb its choice and
neatly arranged collection of things.
The question Of who can be given the
title of colonel with propriety in Ken
lucky has at last been settled by COM
petent authority BY the latest rule
every man who conducts a large distil-
lery is ipso facto colonel. Every promi-
nent railroad official is also colonel.
Every Congressman is a colonel. Every
man with a government Office is a
colonel Every great editor is colonel.
The chief of the police department is de
facto colonel. Then there are other gem
tlemen who are colonies because no other
title fits them If man has been cap
tain in the war, never call him captain;
call him colonel He is entitled to this
promotion twenty-four years after the
war has closed.
-Rung Them All INA sable gentle
man created much amusement at the
theater one evening by the ostentatious
display of profusion of cheap jewelry
with which his person was adorned. A
few moments before the performance
began he was seen to draw a huge,
bright watch from his fob. and, allowing
the glittering chain to bangle in all its
msgnifcence before the eyes OF the null
titude, he pointed with his little finger,
upon which shone Respondent a ring
with setting .trifle sasller than a
grindstone. at fly that was meander-
ing over the crown of his polished silk
hat on the parquet rail before him, and
exclaimed: Look a-heah, mistuh fly,
jess GIBBS yuh one minnit ter git often
dat hatv'-The JeweleT.
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