Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-22

Crusty-"Be careful, waiter, your thumt
is in the soup" Waiter-"I don't minc
it, sir; Pm used to it."
James (piously)-"What is the gate tc
heaven ?" James father-"Wen, it's no
the gait you've been going at recently"
Ugly-looking Wayfarer-"Whar is the
man O the house" Farmers wife with
rare presence of mind )-"He's back OF the
woodshed burying a tramp"
"That man is spelling for fight" re
marked Cumso, speaking of an individual
who was quarreling with another. "No
he is not" replied Fangle. 81 know him
He's professional pugilist."
First juror-'I tell you this bribery o
Jurors is a crying shame, it's disgrace.
Second juror-"You're dead right. The
darn fool who did the bribing never Offered
me cent. He ought to be punished"
There's big blunderbuss at the window;
There's cat on the backy ard fence;
There's a shot; there's a squall,
A long caterwaul
And then-there is silence intense.
Sand now, gentlemen of the jury, here
is a circumstance which certainly ought tc
weigh in favor of my client The mur.
dered man had just safely deposited his
money in the bank, so the only thing he
lost was his life"
One-legged Dorsey-"Say, you chump
wy don't ye put dat 4 Am Blind sign on
the front of yez instead of your back Y'
Conscientious Biggs-"' de front side O
me amt blind. | don't want to git run in
fer no false pretenses."
Miss Luendi bursting into the doctors
office )-"Doctor, Doctor, you must come
down to the house at once Doctor
"Why, what's the matter? Who's sick ~
Miss Luendi-'I am. But as there was
no one to send, l came myself"
"Don't go through life with groan,'
once advised a we'll known lecturer If a
certain man in Ottawa had obeyed this In
junction, he would have been a corpse to-
day. He groaned as he was being lowered
into the grave, and he is now alive"
Mrs. Blinks-"See here, Mr.. B.,
thought you said you had been duck
shooting" Mr. Blinks-"Yes, m'dear
been duck (hic) shooting" "But these
ducks you brought home are tame ducks.
ayes, m'dear, l tanned 'em after l (hic,
shot 'em"
"Is DIR. Brown-Sequard imp" "That':
my name" "Well, Doctor, want YOU tc
go down to Railway with me to funeral
with some of that elixir of your'n. The
corpse owes me $40, and I'd like to have
him brought to for little while-iust
long enough to pay up"
In small town in Baden a minister
closed his sermon the other day with these
words: awe would be pleased, moreover
to have the young man who is now stand
| ing outside the door come in and make Ger.
| tain whether she is here or not Thi:
| would be great deal better than opening
the door half an inch and exposing the
people in the last row of seats to draught.'
A Mean Trick.-''Yes, sab ! Miss Ange
lima played pow'ful mean trick on me
At de chu'ch festival t. other night, sab, /
slipped an split my plate OBJ b'ilin' hot
soup in de lap OBJ Miss Angelina's bran
| new satin dress" can wat did de lady
do?" "W'y, den's de time she showed hel
manners. She jest Jumped right up an
split it all fore could sabe one drop oil
it. An it was possum soup at dat, sab" /"
Time.
The following seems to be the latest
"thing one would rather have left
unsaid:" A pianist recently spent the
evening at the house of lady. The com.
pany was agreeable, and he stayed some
what late. As he rose to take his depart.
ure, the lady said; "Pray don't go yet
Mr.. Jones, | want you to play something
for me-" ooh, you must excuse me to-
| night; it is very late, and l should disturb
the neighbors." "Never mind the neigh.
bors," answered the young ladies, quickly
."they poisoned our dog yesterday
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