Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-06-23
ALLEGED WITTICIsMs.

settee out of an ordinary hen
Mary" asked Charles, "what animal
dropped from the clouds?' "The rain,
DEAR" was the whispered reply
Miss Antique (school-teacher) -" What
does white spell ?" Class No answer
Miss Antique What is the color of my
skim" Class lin chorus -" Yellow
Ne1g York Weekly.
Mr.. Oldback (aged ffty)-" VIII you be
my wife ," Miss Oldmaid aged forty
Yes, my love. I'd rather be an old
mans darling than young mans slave"
Ner York Weekly.
3" Pa amt turning out the sort of man
expected" said little eight-year-old West
ender, as he returned, rubbing his legs.
from Il woodshed seance with his father.
" and, ma, the next time he whips us let's
get divorce"
Bishop Cullen" Miss Autumn, hear
you are an earnest studen. of the Bible.
What, IN your opinion, is the most inter-
esting line of holy writ" Miss Autumn
promptly -" Behold, the bridegroom
comesh.'-Lye.
These are nice peanuts" "Yaw, dey
lsh, but l loose goot many" "The bows
take them, eh? Why don't you ask that
policeman on the corner to watch them ?"
Och, gootnesS, nein, He is der fellow
what gets away mis- der most of 'em." -
Epoch.
Stranger lin Chicago)-"I don't see how
you can sleep nights when you know that
Bloody Jake is roaming around loose"
Chicago Man" Jake won't do anybody
any harm now. He's been given nice
position on the police force" "-Ntw York
Weekly.
Customer You sell cracked eggs at
half price, do you not~ Clerk" Yes m,
We always make 80 per cent. reduction on
cracked goods. Anything else to-day"
Customer" You may give me a dollars
worth Of cracked wheat, and here's your
80 cents
Mr.. Boggs Struggling with a couple of
pieces OF stove pipe)-"-." Mrs.
Boggs-"What was that? Were you
swearing, William Boggs?" Mr.. Boggs-
Swearing? OF course not. | asked if
you'd like to go to Wagner's 'Gotterdaem-
merung.'"
First Westerner-" Where are the New
Workers going to put that memorial arch
to commemorate the first centennial "'
Second Westerner (sardonically)- y" The
site of the memorial arch will probably be
near the sight of the Grant monument" -
Ner York Weekly.
Visitor from Indianapolis Ito White
House baby)-"Well, Benny, l suppose
you find Washington very different from
your old home?" Benny (cheerfully)
"Oh, not much, sir. miss the old streets
and buildings, of course, but the people all
seem to be here"
Tempered bliss: Colonel Gourker-" 1t
seems too good to be true. How did YOU
come to accept an old fellow like me ?''
Miss Ingenue-" Well, you see, Colonel,
mamma was beginning to act so silly and
girlish over you that | had to step in to
prevent losing her."-BoStOn Beacon.
Gentleman-"And so you are newspa-
per man, now, Uncle Erastus?" Uncle
EraStus-"Yes. sab Pse de editor of de
job department" Gentleman-"Editor of
the job department w Uncle Erastus-
Yes, sab, | carries in coal, an scrubs de
flo an wash down de windows, an all such
editin' as dat, sah."
A little fellow whose fifth birthday Is
conner, GLOW old is that infant ?" His
reply was: "She amt old at all; she has
Just begun After he had seen the in
FAINT, he said to his mother: Mamma,
that baby had her hair cut in Heaven !;
| suppose they thought she would not be
strong enough to walk to the barber's."
Tiny had hard time learning her let
ters, and thought it very tiresome to be
obliged to learn the names of all those
"horrid, black little things" Mamma
labored with her very patiently. Now,
Tiny" said she, "see how this letter looks.
This is B, capital B." "Humphp' said
Tiny, otis homely old thing. Nothing
but a stick with two biscuits stuck on it p'
The happy bride e-"W Why, mamma,
what are you crying for? Everything is
so lovely, and everybody's been so good to
me! Come and look at my presents, dear"
The wise mamma-"Its the presents Pm
thinking Of Every family with regi-
ment of girls has sent you the most horri-
bly, expensive things--and now they'll all
be getting married, and you and Charles
will have to scrape and starve to give each
of them something handsomer still Pre-
sents! o, Angelina, why didn't you
elope ?'
Secretary of the Navy-"Say, what time
should | plant tomatoes? Pm starting a
garden" Secretary of Agriculture
Hanged if | know. Ask the Secretary of
State, He has garden at home, | be-
lieve. Oh! by the way, my folks are very
anxious to have yacht, but | don't know
whether to get center-board or not.
What do you think about it?" Secretary
of the Navy (meditatively)-"Well, a
center. board might do, but should think
the bottles would be less likely to upset if
kept in side board"
Old gent" Let me see. Yes, l met
your nephew five years ago, and if you
must know the truth, was disgusted with
him-such a vain, conceited, insufferable
puppy l never saw in my life" Old
neighbor-"Oh, he's changed completely
now. He's the most modest man you
could find in days journey-he doesn't
believe he knows anything" "You don't
say So Well, now | think of it, when l
met him he was college sophomore" !"
" Yes, and now he's a graduate and trying
to earn his own living"
A correspondent sends the London
Standard the following which he says is
vouched for by schoolmaster: At vii
lage school not many miles from Canter-
bury, precocious boy being asked to parse
the sentence, "Mary, milk the COW" went
on accurately till he came to the last word,
when he said Cow is a pronoun, femi-
nine gender, third person, singular num-
ber and stands for Mary" Islands for
Nary" asked the Master in astonishment.
"Yes, sir" responded the urchin, with a
grin, "for if the COW didn't stand for Mary,
how could Mary milk the ?"
Rev. g. r. Palmer of Augusta, one of
the members of the conference, told while
in town story of brother whose elo-
quence was of the soaring style. He was
accustomed to attempt the most ambitious
rhetorical flights; sometimes he COM
pleted them all right and sometimes he
,lidn't. Not infrequently he lost command
Of his vocabulary at critical moment and
the result was disastrous to his metaphor
One Sunday he was pronouncing glowing
eulogy on a departed saint. He raised
him in stately and resplendent progress
step by step, to the pearly gates. He
almost had him safe in Heaven when he
hesitated and seemed at loss. "And
brethren" said he" "and brethren hs
went in as slick as mouser r'