Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-09-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

The man who never takes exercise is
often called upon to mourn an athletic
friend who took too much.
Journal.
He Crejected) )-"Well. you may go
further and fare worse" She-"Yes;
can't be done around here. ."-MunSey's
Wetbly.
There is talk of changing the name
of the state of Kentucky to Sparta.
Spartans were never known to "take
water. ."-Light.
If we need a national flower why
not take the pansyp 1t indicates the
origin of the species-the chimpanzee.
-1eras Sittings.
A man may be very great and very
good, and then not attract half the at
tention that captured horsethief does.
-MilWaukee Journal.
A man may consider himself much
better than his neighbor, but he can
not prove it to that neighbours satis-
faction.-1 Troy Press.
81 live mostly within myself" said
conceited fellow. Il understand" re-
piled his neighbor at the table, ''you
occupy a flat."-1e1as S5ftings.
Paddy-"Mike, do yez behave in
home ruler" Mike-"Oi do but the
old woman is the only one that knows
what it names. ."-Kearney Enterprise.
Mrs. Smallers They do say that
Midshipman Blinkers is very fast
young man." Capt. Beaugard-"Yes;
he belongs to the fleet. ."-Kearney En-
terprise.
Heoffer-What are you engaged in
now" Pfeffer-''I'm in Omaha man
ufacturing Indian relics to sell at
church fairs for the benefit of the
heathens. ."-On,aha World.
"This is somewhat of a Irvine
trust" said the young man as his best
girl wound her arms about his neck
to whisper sweet nothings in his large
left ear.-Kearney Enterprise.
The Maharajah of Cawnpore esti-
mates his fortune at eight thousand
lacs or rupees. Our fortune, too, is
timated by even greater lack of
rupees than the Maharajahs slight.
First asebalist-"Did you propose
to Miss Diamond last night, Bat
tersbyP" Second baseballist-"l did,
Pitcher, nv boy. f. B.-"ScoreP"
S. B.-"W hitewashed. ."-Boston Cour-
Ter.
Youngwed-"I've been married only
a month, but tell you my wife is an
angel and my home is heaven Old
time-'O yes, they are apt to be until
you clean house or move. Omaha
World
He-"How beautiful and poetic are
some of the old Indian words! Min
nehaha, for instance, or Alabamam
She--"Yes, and Kissimee." Which he
did if he was any good.-LaOrence
american.
st. Peter-"Halt!" New spirit
"Can't l come IMP" st. Peter-"I'd
rather you wouldn't. You are just
out of college, and we don't want any
advice about running the universe. ~
Neao York Weekly.
In the words of the lamented Mr..
Macbeth the hungry tramp exclaims:
"And blanked be he who first cries,
Hold, enoughr" The tramp never
knows what it is to hold enough
Philadelphia Press.
'.Mr. Dash may be fine player, but
l do not intend to ask him to my lawn
tennis parties" "Why, what is there
against himP" 80, he pays too much
attention to the game and too little to
the girls. Time.
Tommy-"Paw, what is a philan-
thropistP" Mr.. Figg "A philan-
thropist, my son, is man who would
rather supply dozen men with a col
lar apiece than give one man shirt"
-7erre Haute Express.
Mr.. N. Peck-'I think if anyone is
entitled to pension it's me-" Mr..
Nudge - You were never in the
war, were youp" MIR. N. Peck-"No,
but the fellow my wife was engaged
to got killed at Shiloh. "-Ierre Haute
Express.
Wagg, to his sister-"The young
man with whom you came home last
night was a thoroughly disreputable
fellow" Sister-'So 1 inferred. He
said, poor fellow, that he had been in
innate with you for many years.
Philadelphia Inquirer.
"rve been injured by a statement in
your paper" "Pm sorry, sir. What
did sayP" "You stated that had
compromised with my creditors for 70
cents on the dollar" "Wellp" "Well,I
haven't done anything of the kind; it
was 40 cents. ."-Epoch.
"We are all worms" exclaimed the
preacher in his sermon. Little Bob
by, who was following the discourse
attentively, whispered to his mother
Then that's the reason why the great
big fish swallowed Jonah, isn't itp"-
Portland (Ne.) Press.
Miss Crimple Ito clerk of Snake
Creek house)-"Will you please send
the porter to our room, Mr.. Bigstudp"
Clerk-"Y es, ma'am; anything wrong%
Miss Crimple-"Papa just shot mos
quito, and we would like Patrick to
carry it out. ."-Munsey's Weekly.
Visiting statesman-"I tell you men
of Kentucky, here and now, the race
question is the American problem"
His audience Gas one man) fright
you are Colonel, and the way to solve
it is trot out something that can beat
Ten Broecks time. ."-Drake's Maga-
zine.
Judge-"Did you ever notice any
signs of insanity in the deceasedp"
Witness Ga member of the legislature)
-"Well once, when he was member
of the legislature, he introduced bill
that wasn't particle of interest to
anybody = except taxpayers. ~ Neao
York Weekly.
Minister Ito Johnny, who is digging
worms for bait-''Johnny, don't you
know that IL is wrong for Won to do