Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1889-09-05
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
TESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Another Hotel Tragedy-Artistic
Astronomical Intelligence.
A REST PROMISED.

REST PROMISED.
Minnie-It is no longer fashionable
to have the ears pierced.
Mamie-So | suppose you won't be
called upon any more to sing, will you,
dear9-L lTerre Haute Express.
SATISFACTORY ADVICE.
Doctor" said Sohker, chow would
you treat q man who was subject to dip
somanias"
81 wouldn't treat him ut all, replied
the doctor, after moments considera-
ton: treating is the bane OF our civil
ization." And the applicant for infor-
nation paid the usual fee and left the
Office. IL Washington Capital.
IT WILL FILL BILL.
Cumso-I see that Edison has invent
ed a machine by means Of which a per-
sons face can be seen miles away.
Mrs. Cumso-Oh, how NIGEL You'll
get one, George, and then when we go
10 the theatre you can see a man on the
street without leaving your seat
ANOTHER HOTEL TRAGEDY.
Miss Crimple Ito clerk Of Snake Creek
Honse)-Will you please send the porter
TO our room, Mr.. Bigstuds
Clerk-Yes, ma am; anything wrong2
Miss Crimple-Papa Just shot mos
quito, and we would like Patrick to car
ry it out.
ASTRONOMICAL INTELLIGENCE.
Telescope man Come up, gents, and
ko1x - q nr,Ix Tan
cents.
Countryman-D it make the moon
look any bigger
Telescope man-Look any bigger
Why, it brings the moon so close that
you can read the signs on the board
fences.
HER MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
Fanny (who lives across the street
What caused you to give up your sing
ing, Ethel.
Ethel Screecher-Oh, mother per-
suaded me TO give it up. You see, Fan
NY, we are keeping boarders now
Time.
HIS VACATION.
care You going away this summer"
said one merchant TO another
"No. / am going to the store every
day; but have made arrangements to
take rest.
How"
81 took my advertisement out of the
paper.
ARTISTIC SHOES.
Old Fogy-These signs. Tonsorial Ar
fist, Artistic Tailor, or Halter, of Shoe
maker, disgust me. Now, what on earth
is there artistic about pair or shoes.
Rip van Snorter-Well, have known
. pair to draw my feet. Il New York
Sun.
cURBsToNE PARALYSIS.
Policeman Well, doctor, can you do
for me-
Physician yes, sir; ! think i can
bring you out all right. 1t will take
time, however. You see it is case OF
long standing. Lowell Citizen.
1T WAS ALL THERE.
"That was fine speech OF yours,
Fangle, but there was one quotation
that mystifies me-.
(which was that2"
''You said: In the words Of Web
ster, 80. Where did you get that I 1t
is not in my edition of his works
81 got those words out Of the Una
bridged Dictionary, my friend. ;"
KNEW WHAT HE WANTED.
as there anything can do for your"
asked Mrs. Cumso, tenderly, when her
husband was suffering from seasickness.
''What do you want
al want the earth, gasped Cumso,
as he again leaned over the rail.
THE IMPROVED METHOD.
StrolIing Musician Can you give me
! few pennies
Housewife But you haven't made any
music yet.
Strolling Musician-Certainly, but, |
my instrument is sadly out Of
tune, shall play unless you contribute
something.
Housewife-How thoughtful and kind /
Df you. Here is dollar Omaha
World.
MARINELY INGENIOUS.
Miss Duluth (from the West, during
some very thick weather) is that |
bell ringing for
Mr.. Moreton-Fog. I
Miss Duluth should think people I
could see it without having their atten
lion called to it by gong.-IJudge.
AN OLD GOOSE.
Mrs. Startup-Isn't that acquaintance
IF yourn Spaniard gentlemanl He's
70 dark complicated, he must be.
Mr.. Startup No, my dear, he's a
Portuguese.
Mrs. Startup-I wish, my love. that
you would be more particular about
your grammar. How can
me man be portuguese. You mean
for the singular gender.
WE'VE BEEN THERE.
Jocose Patrick. under
Itand you are gentleman of good in
ellectual abilities. Can you tell me
What knight Grant isl
Patrick (the proud father of twins
noight Grant, is it Sure it's mesilf
S knows PLAT that is better nor any
,ther crayture. It's goin' for the doc