News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-01-17
COMPARISONS,

First Benedict Yes, it is mighty
are alone in the evening you could hea
the clock tick.
Second Benedict (unhappily welded
to temper)-The silence is still more
| oppressive at my house. When wife ant
L are alone you can only hear the broom
stick.-Pttts5,trg Bulletjn.
A POOR RETURN.
First Stage Robber-Whatd did you gil
yesterday, Jerry?
Second Robber-Nothin'. There was
nobody in the stage ceptin' q lawyer,
two plumbers. and prima donna, an
professional courtesy wouldn't allow me
to touch 'em, of course.-T6rra HaWtt
Express.
NASTY THING.
Maud Ito Edith, whose engagement
to Charlie Flashby is just announced
So Charlie doesn't send you box OF
bonbons every day as he used to me?
Edith-No, 1ndeeI; Charlie would
never bribe auyone's love with candy.
Maud-Oh. Of course not. He used
to tell me there was no use wasting
money on girl when you were sure OF
her anyhow.-Bufa5o Courier.
THAT BOY AGAIN.
Paterfamilias (at the supper table, to
Mr.. Thomas Cash, Susies beau)-It is
said that Spaniard can live upon an
onion and few olives day. 1t seems
surprising to us, does it not?
Susie's Little Brother-Mr. Cash, I
know what you live on.
Mr.. Cash-What, Tommy?
Little Brother-On your aunt; papa
says so.-Yankee BL1dc.
LIVE AND LET LIVE.
Old Gentleman Ito his wife, q very
stout old lady)-Slip your nickel in the
slot, Mirandy, and find out how much
you weigh.
Elevator Boy Qrom his post of honor
Better let her slip in two nickles,
mister.
NEAT THING.
She-What have you there, George ?
He-Oh, its the new adjustable en-
gagement ring-fits any finger. I have
found it neat thing, I assure you.
Will you try it on?-Bnr5ington Free
Press.
A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT.
A plumber and an upholsterer were
recently engaged in fitting up fashion
able residence in Van Ness avenue, and
got into a discussion as to which WAS tho
heavier, pound of lead or feathers.
''I'll bet you four bits that ] can prove
to you that pound of lead is heavier
than n pound of feathers" said the
plum ber. ''IIl take that bet, said the
uPholsterer. The plumber cut eff
piece of lead pipe and pared 1T down un-
til it weighed sixteen ounces. Then he
in feathers. "Now," said the plumber,
holding the lump of lead in his right
hand and the bag Of feathers in his left
hand, "let me drop the lead on your left
foot and the feathers on your right, and
if | do not prove that the lead is heavier
I'll pay four bits San Francisco Wasp.
DIDN'T SEE HIM.
Tramp (after accosting passer-by for
money)-EXcuse me, Sir, would not
now be where / am if
Passer-b -by-Nor ], if had noticed you
coming. Good day.
Then he wheels and walks away.
MATTER OF TASTE.
A lady, q day or two ago, went into
q store where they nre selling books
wonderfully cheap, and, approaching
counter over which n charming young
saleswoman presided, asked: "Haye you
got John Halifax ."
'No," was the sa!eswomans reply,
"we're just out of John Halifax, but
here is John Nicholson, will that
do Z"
The lady thought it would net do.
But the little saleswoman was deter
mined to effect sale. So she went on:
"Do you like deep books, ma'am
Here's Ten Thousand Leagues Under
the Sea'-that's a very deep novel. -
Pjtts5urg Dispatch.
JUST FIT.
Miss Spinster to shoe dealer)-I see
that you have marked down some of your
shoes.
Shoe Dealer-Yes; that line of ladies'
shoes is marked down. We have mark
ed m all down two sizes. Now there's
tidy little gaiter, Il, think will just
fit you.
Miss Splinter bushes and buys the
shoes.-BdEdr.
HOW IT HAPPENED.
Managing Editor (glancing over the
morning paper)-Good heavens, Smith
This scandal on the first page is fairly
swarming with typographical errors.
How did it happen!
Assistant Editor-I think, sir, the
proof went to our lady proofreader, and
she became so interested in the matter
that she forgot to correct typographical
errors. Burlington Free Press.
AGAINST Elm.
Mrs. Golddust-I have always consid-
cred Mr.. Paperwate gentleman, and
am sure you are prejudiced. Tell me
what you have against him
Mr.. Golddust-A Judgment, my dear
CAN'T GET IT OUT.
Smith-You say the speculation has
proved failure.
Jones-A total failure.
81 thought you said there was a
fortune in it.
J. with a groan)-So there is. Mine
is in it.-Boston Courier.
DEFINITIONS.
Little Bub (at dinner)-Pop, what
does, faith, hope, trust, mean
Pop-Your ma bought this pie at the
bakers on trust Can you understand
that
"Yes, indeed"
81 hope therell be enough to 60
round. Understand that2"
"Oh, yes"
Well, we'll need faith to enjoy it.
It's mince.-Neto York Weekly.
NOT NEW DISEASE.
''I hear your canary pined and died
right after your aunt's decease; was it
grief "
mo. not exactly that. He flew out
OF his cage, and died of cat"
NOT THE SAME BABY.
Mrs. Winks-Hold the laby a moment,
there's dear. l want to put back these
pictures | got out for Mrs. Minks to
look at. Such tiresOme creature as
she is. She was here for nearly half an
hour this afternoon, and did nothing hut
talk about the baby. Mr.. Winks bless
his little heart 50 the lad es come and
sit, and admire, and talk about the little
cherub, do they OF course they do;
they can't help loving Mrs. Wink's-
Gracious me j wasn't my baby she
talked about, it was her own.-P.tiLudeL-
phi0 Rec01d