News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-02-07
THE JOKERS' BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
MODERN METHODS OF PROPOSING.

lived in the radiant light of your either
cal presence and passionately
"Please speak little slower, Mr..
Hoover" said the fair typewriter, inter
rupting him, while her fingers continued
to fly over the keys of her machine.
| Ethereal - presence - passionately.
| Now l am ready to proceed"
"Great Scott Miss Caramel" ex-
claimed her employer, ''you are not
| taking down my offer of marriage on
That internal typewriter, are you z"
"a proposal" shrieked Miss Cara
mel. "Why so it is. I dipn't notice. 1
| thought you were debating. Forgive
me, dear William, 1 am yours. And
now, since 1 have made this foolish
blunder, please sign this paper and [
will keep it as a memento."
The marriage took place according to
contract. Chicago Nesos.
! SUBSTANTIAL KNOWLEDGE.
"Were you at the Ladies' Athenian
Club this afternoon, my dear2" asked
Boston husband.
"Oh. yes, AMI we had most reviving
time, and besides that we got Mrs. de
Literati's recipe from her own lips for
making SNOWFALL pudding. g."-Ne,c York
Sun.
EASILY FIXED.
First leading Citizen Gn Southern
lynching party)-The sheriff threatens
that if we break in and get those pris-
oners he will shoot.
Second Leading Citizen-Wall, reckon
we'd better lynch the sheriff first
Times.
VERY KIND.
I 4.
who has made her debut at musical
entertainmenb: And you succeeded
splendidly, of course2
Miss Barr-Yes, got along pretty
well, but was considerably disconcert-
ed when somebody in the audience re-
marked that 1 had left my voice behind
me.
"That was awfully rude
eyes, but he was Immediately re-
proved by somebody else, who said.
Nonsense she never had any That
was very kind, don't you know, and I
plucked up courage Immediately. -
Boston Transcript.
so MUCH THROWN AWAY.
"My son" said the solemn passenger,
tickling the young mans neck with his
breath, remember that integrity is the
foundation of character, and character
is the vital principle of all moral life. [
never see life just crystallizing from
youth into manhood's prime, like yours,
that L do not feel impelled to impress
these great truths upon the mind.
Excuse me, replied the young man,
languidly laying down his paper, "but
-er-did you speak 2"-Epoch.
A GOOD SUGGESTION.
''I saw your new play last night,
Charlie = remarked Is friend, land was
delighted with it, save one thing. You
kill your characters all off in the last
act"
"Well," answered the young play
wright, "what could do 2"
"Why, kill them all off in the first
act. "-EpOch.
A LITERAL INTERPRETATION.
Mistress Why, Bridget, what in the
world are you doing with my new dress
on?
Bridget-Sure, mum, it's yerself what
gave it to me
Mistress-I gave it to you2
Bridget-Yis; yez said OF cud have it
as soon as yez had worn it out, an
begorra yez wore it out yesterday
! afternoon n.-Harper's Blzar.
DIVIDED DUTY.
Woman Ito tramp)-There, I have
| obeyed the divine injunction to "Feed
the hungry" and now l hope you will
remember that one good turn deserves
another and chop little wood for me.
Tramp-Tm very sorry, mum, but
I've got an engagement, an must hurry
off.
"Why, what have you to do"
'1t is my solemn duty, mum, to go
out into the highways ami by-ways, au'
tell hungry gents like myself that this
ere house is q good place to git square
meal. "-Neo York Weekly.
IN MONTREAL.
Skipp-Yes, fortune is smiling on me.
| You see l had clearing sale before L
left New York.
Flimsy-I don't understand.
Skipp-Well, 1 sold the depositors
and cleared out.
| PRACTICAL MUSICIANS.
A gentleman of literary tastes was
tormented oil day long by the incessant
practising of two musicians, fiddler
and a clarionet player, whose rooms
were only separated from his own by
narrow passage. He therefore called
upon them one doy, and by paying n
| good round sum got them to promise to
change their lodgings. But the next
day the noise was as bad as ever
A.-What practising again2 Didn't
you both promise me to remove to other
lodgings
B.-To be sure, and we have done SO;
we have exchanged apartments Blatter
zur Unterhaltung.
THE LADY WAS MISTAKEN.
Mrs. Guzzleton (on the stairs)-Tkis
is a great time of night for you to be
coming home, John Guzzletonl
Mr.. Guzzleton Consulting his watch)
Your wrong, m dear. It's the small
est time in the whole day. Just one
o'clock, pom honor.-Judge.
OF GREAT CAPACITYs.
Mrs. Hobson-Your husband is very
fond of fox hunting, is he not, Mrs.
Vancouver?
Mrs. Vancouver-Yes, indeed, very.
Mrs. Hobson-How many bars can he
take
Mrs Vancouver don't know exact,
ly, but have heard it said that his ca
paciety at bars is very great. York
Sun.
HIS STATEMENT.
An old gentleman in Wisconsin
town who has been running a private
bank for some years was recently re-
quested to publish some sort of state
ment. So he posted the following on
the door of his bank:
"Notice-This ere bank has got $50
900 behind her. She don't owe nobody
a cussed cent. Good paper discounted,
as heretofore, and nobody proposes to
cut sticks for Mexico or Canada ~.
Y. Tribune.
HE HAD ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT.
Miss Travis-Oh, I'm SO glal to meet
you this morning, Mr.. De Smith
De Smith-You charm me But
why2
Miss Travis-Why, do you know,
am trying to get up donkey party, but
we find it extremely hand to discover
suitable persons. You will cope, won't
you ?-BurljngtOR Free Press
DELICATE INsINuATIoN.
"What do you think of the modern
style of writing paperl" asked Cora.
'Do you like it as well as the old ?'
'I'm afraid Tn notcompetent to form
an opinion" replied Merritt. 81 should
Judge that great deal can be said on
both sides,--Life,