St. Paul daily globe., 1889-06-25
FEMININE JOCULARITIEs,

Tulips.
A wife must be one of two things to
her husband. She must either be his
crown of glory or his crown OF thorns.
Smith-Miss Jones is a self-possessed
young woman. BrOwn-Very; but she
won't be much longer. She's engaged
to be married.
Caller-Is your mother at home. little
boy? Little boy-No, ma'am. Caller
Ahem! Do you know whether her new
bonnet is in?
How much misery would be saved if
some ladies would only discover that
whatever their forte may be it is not the
piano forte.
She-And will you always love me?
All the ivelong day? He-Ye-es, 1
guess SO. You'll give me chance to
stop for meals, suppose?
Minnie-I feel so awfully stupid to-
day. Ny head feels heavy as lead.
Mamie-Why don't you take off some
of your hair, dear, and tighten it?
Merriman-Do you know why mar
riage is failure? Graves-No. What
is the reason? Merriman--The bride
never marries the best man.
Maude-Papa says look frightfully
in this bonnet. Do frighten you. dear?
Ethel (rather jeaIous)-Frighten me?
No, indeed, Pm no coward.
"My dear friend, 1 am in despair. Al
mas heart is as hard as Steel" "Sup-
pose you try it with diamonds; they are
harder than steel, you know"
Young man-You are older than am
and want to ask you question. Does
woman always mean what she says?
Old man-AlWayS-that is if she's
married.
It is estimated that some women carry
forty or fifty miles of hair about on their
heads. Forty or fifty miles without
switch is good long distance from an
'air line.
De Baggs-Yellowly understand, is
going to marry rich girl De Gags
All! Is she beautiful? DE Bags
Beautiful! OF course she is beautiful.
Didn't say she is rich?
Featherhead- Quickwit, if I
were to ask you to marry me what
would you say? Miss Quickwit (who
despises dudeseSay, sir? should say
that nothing in the world could induce
me to do it. He didn't ask.
Society girls are carrying all sorts Of
trinkets and blessed things for charms.
If they are going out for an evening,
however, the powder rag makes useful
charm, and makes the one who uses it
charming.
Husband (to wife in full evening
dress)-My stars! Is that all you are
going to wear? Wife (calmly)-Au ex-
ers would you select? Husband, re-
signedly)CThe biggest.
ST always look out for No. L." re-
marked a selfish fellow who had just
married a red-headed widow. "WeIl,
you needn't worry yourself about it any
longer" she replied significantly. mo.
will look out for you hereafter"
Mr.. Winks {soleMnly9A noted phys
ician says that deadly bacteria lurk in
bank notes, and many diseases, espec-
tally smallpox ARE spread that way.
Mrs. Winks-Mefey on us! Give me all
you have, right off. Tve been vaccin-
ated, you know.
First Vassar student-Did you hear
why poor Elvira has been suspended?
Second ditto-No, dear. First V. S.
For surreptitiously nursing doll dur
ing class time. Perfectly scandalous
isn't it? Second ditto-O, well, the
poor dear is engaged, dou't you know.
The lred-looking little schoolma'a am
had been obliged to give up. She had
10 remain away from nef duties and
summon physician. ''YOur liver is
out of order," said he gravely. 'tOut of
Orderv' she repeated in mechanical
tone. ''Stay after school for fifteen
minutes and lose your recess for the re-
mainder of the week"
II thought, Henry" said the wife re-
preachfully as her husband stumbled in
about midnight rather the worse for
wear, II thought that you were not go
ing to drink any more" 'sThish'er lasht
time, m'dear." ''Yes. but you said be-
fore it was the last time" Ibid 1 shay
sho before?'' "You did," ''Guessher
mus bin drunk then-hlc-and forgot
er bout it."
Mrs. R.-Why, professor, what is the
matter? Prof. Won Spelehen (angrily)-
Madame, l spend Won hour und Won
half dis morning to exblafn to der young
lady vot is der difference between Won
whole rest and Won half rest. and she
still take der nalf rest ven I say der
whole rest! Mrs. R.-Why, Elsie. am
surprised. Why don't you do as the
professor tells you; you know you have
nlnnfv Of time