Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-03-03

II force the payment
of bill, and finds that the lawyer has had
it, but cannot really refund it without per-
sonal inconvenience to himself.
This music, to which I at first so feelingly
alluded, comes from the volunteer band OF
salvation army. They are playing be-
meath my easement for my benefit They
desire to snatch me as brand from the
burning, but am in Michigan, and =!
would rather be brand at this season OF
the year than to be outside, making large
mouse-colored ass of myself.
So I step to the window and say that
while thanking one and all for the honor
thus paid to me, comparatively unknown
man, I am entirely unprepared to say any
thing at all suitable fer the occasion, and
being a poor extemporaneous speaker, seek
ing modestly % plug along the bestl can
and support my family, will once more
thank one and all for this fattering recep-
tion, and say good bye.
AN UNPRoFITABLE CAMPAIGN.
The leader is large, red-nosed man, who
weeps easily and pulls out the tremlo on his
voice at sll times. He wears street car
conductors cap, with red band around it,
which matches his nose, and as the night is
intensely cold, he wears pair OF ear mutts
which were formerly used by the baby ele-
phant, perhaps. Near him, with bleak
waste of purple beak, knocking poor and
defenseless tambourine silly, wearing a
green veil tied under her lower jaw, in or
der to protect her ears, and pair OF her
favorite husbands socks over her shoes to
keep out the bitter cold from her massive
feet, stands a woman with straws in the
fringe of her shawl and a vacant look in her
r 9r1of ff doxy nn
ought to be at home with her family, but
all at once it occurred to me that it would
be a great blow to the family. So perhaps
it is better as it is.
The plan of salvation as outlined by the
Salvation Army is too vituperative to be
successful. Life is of course, a warfare,
and nearly all of us have to fight more or
less, with the exception of the regular army,
but the war made on Satan by the Salvation
Army is too acrimonious, it seems to me. 1t
makes a good deal of noise and requires a
good deal of foraging, but is really harder
on the surrounding country than it is on the
enemy.
What is the use of bombarding Satan all
winter here in Michigan when the chances
are that he is down at Hot Springs?
Why make personal attack up John g..
Lucifer with disagreeable Grassland here
in the Northwest, when he is in fact down
at Washington, where he can hear good
music?
As listen again at the window, hear
the voice of the Lieutenant Colonel of the
Salvation Army. He is urging his little
band of Don Quixotes to charge on the
Satanic windmill. He is speaking extem-
poraneously and the woman in the large
wooden socks is trying to look pleasant
This frightens loaded team, and cord
half Of dry maple wood expends itself
along the main street with great fury.
OPEN TO INSPECTION.
The leader goes on again to state that we
are journeying through an unfriendly
world. That a man may lose his money or
his clothing or his wife and still recover.
But when he loses his soul his name is
Dennis. "Oh, then, let US fight for those
souls, such as they are. Let rs challenge
old Satan and give him only time to train