The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1889-07-05
BURpErrs's PHILOSOPHY.
WE CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING WE sEr.


"Yes madam said Trampoline, as he
gratefully took from the outstretched hand
Of the woman o large, moist slab Of pie,
mottled like Mexican onyx, and embossed
with heavy incrustations Of lava, 'yes,
have seen better days, but Just as have seen
better clothes; other people had EN-" He
paused for her reply, but she bowed her head
silently, and he, engulhng the pie with a con-
vulsive movement Of the throttle, lifted his
hands TO heaven with an agonizing gesture
and passing on, was never again seen no more
THE PATIENCE OF LAzINEss.
A man ought to have some regard for tho
fitness of things, even when he quotes
proverb But he hasn't That's why it
makes householder 50 bowling mad when
a paperhanger, who has been ten days paper
ing three sides Of hall bedroom, answers
his reproof by saying that Rome wasn't
built in day." 1t wasn't built by hired
man, either The fact that 1t ever was built
proves that
MEN had TO WALK THE PLANK FOR THIS.
Young Foremost, who hadn't been aboard
ship three days before he committed some
act Of insubordination, for which the cap
tain gave him an awful dose Of the ropes
end, said the old mans blight was worse than
his barque.
HARD ON THE NERVES.
A dog down In Pennsylvania swallowed the
baby's rattle the other day. 1t hasn't af-
fected the dog seriously, but it's awful wear
ing ON the people Of the house. Every time
the dog moves It sounds as though rattle-
snake was after you, and the result is that
about two-thirds Of the time everybody in
the house is either climbing up on chair or
jumping down from one.
OUT ON FLY.
George, called to see you this morning
and the maid said you were out" "Yes,
uncle, l am sorry that | was" "But you
were not, for l saw you sitting at the window
as l came away" Eyes, that's just it; the
maid did not specify; she only knew was
out Sometimes l am staying out, some
times walking out and sometimes looking out
She was stupid not to say which"
DEPRAvITY IN HIGH PLACES.
Queen Marguerite Of Italy plays the violon-
cello. By the most desperate expedients and
constant vigilance on the part of the royal
family the matter has been kept secret for a
long time, but II has leaked out at last. On
account Of the respectability Of the queens
connections we suppress her last name.
A LioUTRANCE.
81 see," said the man with the newspaper,
"thnt French journalist has been killed In
duel" "At lastr' exclaimed the man read
| ing the time card "Yes; died of old age
I waiting for the other fellow to come" "Well,
| the French are terrible fighters when they
make q business Of it."
| ExPATRIATED.
Particular Boarder-This fish, waiter
| Truthful Waiter (promptly)-Was killed this
morning Particular Boarder (approvingly)
You did right to kill 1t. Truthful Waiter
dnquiringly)-Yes, sir. Particular Boarder
| (irmly)-Because 1T had been ashore so long
IT had forgot how to swim, and would have
drowned il ever 1t went to sea again.
THAT'S ALL THAT SAVES THE POEMS.
The ''elocutionist" has hid bis light under a
bushel as long as he can. He Is now deter
mined to let his light shine, to lift up his
voice and spare not and to magnify his Office
for all It is worth and toot his horn If he
doesn't sell clam. A Chicago elocutionist
discussing the elements of a successful recita.
tion, speaks of "other pieces like Mother and
Poet The Raven and like productions Of
no great literary merit that produce marvel
Gus effects when well rendered" Otter
wondered what kept those mediocre jingle,
alive so long, when some Of my own fines
efforts, worthy to go ringing down the echo
ing aisles Of the copy dummy, strandedson th'
shingly beach of the cold and sullen w. B
It's the reading that has rescued Mrs
Browning and Poe from the insatiate nav O
that relentless monster, o. B. Livion, Sr.-
Robert J. Burdette in BROOKLYN Eagle.
1ne "spring Fever
Ihave had many people ask me for
remedy for the ills which usually visi
the human body in the spring, causing
the well known complaint of "sprin
fever" My experience has been that til
best cure for this malady is plenty o
healthful and invigorating outdoor exer
else. The most pleasant of these is horse
back riding. When one is on trottin
horse, which 1 prefer, every muscle
brought into play and exercised. Their
are other outdoor amusements which al
equally beneficial. There is one pr'
valent form of pastime which conside
injurious, and that is bicycling. Whe
one is astride a wheel he is bent forwarC
and, am convinced, is placed in pos
tion which has a tendency to contraC
the chest. This is, of course, exactly IL
opposite effect to be desired or expecte
from outdoor amusements.- Lou
Blobe-Democrat.