Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-07-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

there" while longer. r.-BoSton Tran
script.
When a girl slams the front door in
suitor's face she has certainly been
guilty of contempt of court.-Ddns
pille Breeze.
Patti says plenty of sleep is the
secret of preserving ones beauty. That .
accounts for Philadelphia having such
handsome policemen.-YOnkerS States
man.
Yes" said Mrs. Porcine, "Pm
mighty afraid of ghosts, but then |
keep them away from me by wearing
an omelet round my neck. ."-Jee0elerS'
Weekly.
The Mare Island Navy-Yar is to be
put in commission for repairing steel
ships. 1t will be Il good place for
drilling horse marines. Orleans
Picayune.
"Do you find it hard to turn your
jokes INTO poetryP" she asked. mot so
very," replied Tubbs. The hardest
thing is to turn poetry into money!
Time.
South Carolina is moral State.
Divorce is entirely unknown there.
When man gets sick of his wife he
simply swaps her off for cow.-Bur-
hngton Free Press.
Nothing takes the conceit out of an
adoring young man like pretty girl,
and nothing inspires conceit in pretty
girl so much as an adoring young man.
-SOmerUille Journal.
A good woman is seldom the cause
of any evil. 1t was not Eve, but a
crawling reptile that dispossessed the
Adam family of its pleasant pre-
emption.-Butalo EGpreSS.
1t is said that there are 1,200 actors
out of employment in the country.
They ought to be given the places of
some of the people on the stage who
are not actors. Baltimore american.
Brown-The price of coal is fuctu-
ating. Robinson-Yes, the price goes
up and down, but the weight remains
stationary in the neighborhood of
1,6O0 pounds to the ton.-IeraS Sift-
ings.
Mr.. Gabb-I see that Mind-Reader
Bishops wife wants a divorce Mrs.
Gadd-No wonder. 1t must be per-
lCClll awful W DC lllulllCtt W Il llllu
who can read your mind -PhiiadelpAia
Record.
Bloodgood-How are you getting on
with Miss Debut, Poseyboy? Have
you broken the ice yetP Poseyboy-
Yes! and got a cold bath that / shan't
forget to my dying DISQUALIFICATION
Free Press.
Family doctor-"Your wife needs
outdoor exercise more than anything
else." Husband-"But she won't 90
out. What am | to doP" "Give her
plenty of money to shop with."-New
York Weekly.
An usher in Kansas church has
turned out to be a burglar. His down
fall probably dates from the time when
he began putting strangers in pews
where draught would strike them
Burlington Free Press.
Ethel--(to her betrothed) DO learn
to skate, George. I'm sure you would
look lovely on ice. George Ga young
and rising undertaker)-Look lovely on
ice, would /? Thank you no hurry
about it.-TeGaS Sytings.
When doctor prescribes wine to
patient who rather likes wine, but who
doesn't approve of it, the patient goes
by apothecary measure and doesn't let
his scruples interfere with his drains.
-SOnlerUtLLe Journal.
"Dld you hear about the burglar who
was arrested this morningP" mo.
What forpn "For breaking into song"
"Is that SOP" "Yes. He got through
two bars when some one hit him with
a stave. ."-Scranton truth.
Mrs. Tiptop-My dear, that Mr..
Nicefellow, who is coming here SO
often, hasn't a penny to his name.
Daughter-He has a rich bachelor
uncle. "But it isn't the uncle that
comes. ."-PhiIadelphia Record.
Young lady-Anything new in writ
ing paperP Dealer-Yes Miss, we have
one new style ugly enough to give folks
fit and so rough that no human be-
ing can write on it. "How cute! Give
me box. x."-Philadetphta Record.
Mrs. Hopeful-Is my boy improv-
ing anyP Professor of pennmanship-
He is getting worse. His writing is
now so bad no living soul can read it.
GLOW lovely! The darling! He'll be a
great author some day."-Ne,0 York
Weekly.
A Hotel Trust is about to be organ
lied This does not mean, however,
that travellers without baggage need no
longer pay in advance. 1t means that
where they formerly had to pay So they
will hereafter be asked for $4.-Neto
YORK. Sun.
Dumley-There comes Brown up
the street. | owe that man a grudge,
and propose to pay him with in
terest. Robinson-Going to pay him
now, DumleyP Dumley-No, not
now. Let's turn down this way.-Net0
York. Sun.
First tramp-Ah, yes, I've seen bet
ter days, better days. | used to be a
manufacturer of roller skates. Second
tramp-Same way with me, pard,
same way with me. l used to be
manufacturer of pocket diaries. =
Hlladelphta Record.
He (departing)-I hope, Miss Smith,
will be green in your memory. She
(tenderly)-Yes, Mr.. Grassley, and you
will be green in the memory of every
body who has known you. But don't
be sad, Mr.. Grassly, you'll be ripe by
and by, maybe Washington Posi-.
"Slr," said she, ''do you expect me,
saleslady in Tapely ~ Jaxon's dry
goods emporium, to marry common
clerkp" Il am not common clerk"
he answered; II am salesgent."
She fell into his arms and murmured,
Il am thine. ."-1erre Haute EGpreSS.