Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-07-18

MT. IuuutrS ulttu etluo ph"V hiSios
Thine.
VAIL OF THE STANDING COLLAR.
Alas for humidity,
Lack of rigidity
Under the sun.
Oh, it was pitiful
Near whole cityful,
Not n starched one!
-[Clothier and Furnisher.
HE COULDN'T USE IT.
A stall keeper on the central market
who had been "stIlck" with number of
green melons, plugged one yesterday,
poured pint of kerosene into the hole,
and after waiting quarter of an hour
gave it to a colored man. The latter sat
down ON n box to eat it, but after re
moving the plug and taking smell he
arose and returned the melon to the
stand.
"What's the matter?" asked the donor.
Size much obleeged, but Icouldn t use
it onless you frow in Il chimbly an n
wick, an dat would be AKIN too much
of any ybody. Detroit Free Press.
NO CAPACITY.
A tradesman, who had amassed
fortune, anxious that his son should
enjoy the advantages which had been
denied himself, placed him under the
tuition of minister of considerable
attainments. Going to the clergyman,
after the boy had been for some months
under his care, the father was disap-
pointed to find that he had made little
progress, and inquired what the trouble
was.
"Why, the trouble is simply this"
replied the minister, your son wants
capacity"
WANTS capacity" exclaimed the
father, "Why on earth didn't you tell
me about it sooner! L would have got
him one if it cost u thousand dollars
brakes Magazine.
AN ACCEPTABLE CONTRIBUTION.
Author-You return everything / offer.
What can send you that will be ac-
ceptable?
Editor-A years subscription.
MASTER FRED's VERDICT.
Freddie, you have q new baby at
the house, haven't you?"
"Yeth um."
"What does little sister think about
him9"
"She says he's too sweet for any
thing!"
"And what do you think about him?"
81 think he's a big nuisance. -
Epoch.
WHERE IT WAS.
Brown-What's al this about your
throwing pepper at your sister,
Little Johnny Why, dad, that's all
in her eye brakes Magazine.
GOOD BUSINESS MAN.
"Here, Brown, let's see how much
you weigh. Drop II nickel in the slot. 1"
"No, I'll not do that; but you drop
nickel in my hand, and I'll tell you how
much weigh, my age, and the size Of
my hat.
TO INSURE QUICK DELIVERY.
"But, Johnny, how could it take you
so long to post the letter for uncle in
the Post Office;"
ooh, L did not go to the Post Office
at all, mamma, but to the letter box just
in front of his house, SO that he would
get it sooner"
MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
Visitor-It seems to me that your
mother doesn't talk as pure English as
before she went West.
Daughter to tell you the truth,
she doesn't.
Vistor-Whatha has made the difference?
Daughter-We don't kI ow; un ess it
is the new set of teeth ma gotin Detroit.
-[Judge.
"You look wcawy and tiahd, Cholly."
"Yaas, my deah boy L overwahked
myself this mahnin."
"Overworked yourself, Cholly?"
:'Yaas, my deah fellah; tied my
own quavat this mahnin. Light.
HIS BIRTHDAY TOO.
Augustus (no longer the Young)-
Well, there's one comfort; they say at
forty man is either fool or n physi-
clan.
Angelina (nearly swallowing yawn)
And are you physician then'
Augustus-No.
Angelina
ON ACCOUNT OF HIS FAMILY.
First Juryman-It looks like pretty
clear case against the feller, that's
fact, but L think we had better let him
go-on account of his family.
Second Juryman-Why, the family is
Just about as noaccount MS he is. /
can't see where your argument comes in.
First Juryman-What mean is that
we will have to keep 'em all winter if
we send him to Jail. See Terre Haute
Express.
NO DANGER OF INTERFERENCE.
First Burglar (whispering)-Hist! 1
hear step on the Sidewalk in front,
Bill. Is the coast clear!
Second Burglar listening moment)
Its too brisk n step for a policeman,
Jake. Up with that window Chicago
Tribune.
HIS UNLUCKY DAY.
"Friday may be an unlucky day for
some people, but Thursday is mine.
That's the day on which proposed"
so, yes; and the girl rejected you.
see. ;"
"No; she accepted me"