Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-12-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

OAd1d" NntI6 EjuSls mduO-
'Maud-''She has gone home. She
got her bathing suit wet."-Tfme.
A carpenter would be handy in a
BARRIERS shop, especially the one who
is a good lather Enterprise.
There is nothing loud about the
flannel shirt. On the contrary, it is
modest and shrinking Washington
Capital.
Before he married her he said she
was a dream. Afterward he intimated
very strongly that she was a night
Washington Capital.
''Listen to that woman" said Binks
to Banks. The one who is struggling
after high C:?n Yes. she makes me
'C' siek,"1 Washington Capital.
Diamonds are hire the manager
remarked as his new artripped on the
stage resplendent in leased jewels
JeWelerS' Weekly.
Mrs. Fidget-"Tm afraid my daugh-
ter is drowning" Guard-"Have no
fears, ma'am. Her bathing dress is
light enough to float her.n-ToWn
Topics.
Wickwire-"Why, Yabsley, your
face looks perfectly awful. Who shaves
youP" Yabsley-"A blankety-blank
idiot named Yabsley."-Terre Haute
Express.
Kissable girl (suddenly)-''Take care
some one will see you'll" Good looking
but bashful beau-'What am l doing?'
Kissable girl (scornfully)-"Nothing.'
Once a Week.
Wibble-"Can you tell me how fa1
the protection on glass extendsP" Wab.
ble-''To where it gets into the hands
of the hired girl, 1 suppose. "-Ierrf
Haute Express.
Mrs. Greggs-''I see that johnson &
Co., the great upper leather dealers,
have failed" Mr.. Greggs-''Yes, 1 al
ways knew they were a skin firm."-
Kearmey Enterprise.
Singley ~'How much you resemble
your sister, Miss Biones? I would take
you for her. Miss Bjones-''W-well.
Mr.. Singley, this is so sudden; but you
may ask a."-EGWrence american.
"Ah, yes; | love to write on mani
fold" said the pretty ~telegrapher, as
she stretched her plump arms over he1
head. There is a good deal in the
name, you know."-Kearmey Enter
prise.
Smith-"Look here, Brown, We'll
o decide the matter; let's ask the
waiter. Waiter, are tomatoes a fruit
or a v~egetable?" Waiter-s.Neither,
sir. Tomatoes is a hextra."-Fanny
Folks.
A shoemaker hung put a new sign,
and then wondered what passers-by
found so amusing. His sign ran as
follows: Don't go elsewhere to be
cheated. Walk in here."-PHtsburg
Post.
Intimate friend (deadbeat species)-
"Say, Doc, what would you give,
you know, for a deuced bad cold?"
Long suffering physician-'.A deuced
good prescription, don't you know
Detroit Free Press.
Husband Cat half-past 1 a. ny
'tDon't say a word! l know it's awful
late, but I've had a hard tug of itP''
Wife-'Yes, you look as if you'd had a
hard tug. How many schooners did
you tow in to-night?"-BoSton Herald.
Judge (to police officer)-''Are you
sure, sir, that the prisoner was drunk?"
Officer-''Is it dhrunk, yer honerp
Shure af he nd sphoke through the till
phone the BIRTH Nv i'm nd av made the
poles shtagger."-Ennkeepers' Journal.
At a foreign railway station-'Guard,
can l smoke in this carriage?n s'No; it
is against the rules Then where do
all these cigar ends on the floor come
from?n From smokers who have not
asked permissio Pail Mall Gazette.
MY friends are responsible for my
being here" said the prisoner bitterly.
How was that?" askedthe sympathetic
visitor. 81 was sentenced to be hanged.
but they got the Governor to commute
it to life mprisonment. "-Harper''
Bazar.
Manufacturer (to applicant for pc.
sition as designer)-''Have you ever
had anything to do with the production
of valuable pieces?" Applicant-'I'
hasn't been three weeks since | helped
make a $1,000 Jackpot. "-JeweIer'!
Weekly.
Tompkins-"Heard you left the
clearinghouse, Jack" Jack-"Yes
the landlady was far too modest for me-
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES that?" Jack
80, she insisted that we eat dressed
beef at every meal. "-Kearney Enter.
prise.
Edison has a new invention where.
by you al see a mans face miller
away said Smith. Mrs. Smith-"O
how nice. James, you will buy
won't you? You a then stay in a
nights and still see the man."-COm
merctaL TraUeler.
Young man (proudly)-'1 am build.
ing a great reputation, sir" Old gent
Sitting near by)-"Maybe, maybe, bu'
it strikes me you're putting in a leetlt
too much liquor to make a strong
foundation and a steady upper story
-Kearney Enterprise.
J~ones-"Wonderful change has COME
w my bookkeeper. He's as meek al
a lamb and does his best to please me-
Smith-''Remarkablei What's the
matter with the man; is he afraid o.
you?" Nope. He's working me foI
a vacation."-Te1as SiJttngs.
MIS-. SIloftpufSc (yeaf 1o9j)-NJonn
what became of those fashionable pan
falcons you wore on our summer trip
in 1892" John-.They are upstairs
somewhere. What do you want O:
them?" Il want to make them ove1
for a dress. "-Men's Outftter.
See, my son, how well this trained
dog a calculate; and yet you bring
me a very bad report as to YOUR arith.
metic. Aren't you ashamed?" "AI
very well, father, but you just ask hin
one question in geography and see what