Waterbury evening Democrat., 1889-08-23
"FIGURES WON'T LIE"
A Jerseyman Anxious to Find the Man
 That Mado That Claim.


 A Jerseyman Anxious to Find the Man
 That Mado That Claim.
 "pm lookin' for the fellow that started the story that figures won't lie,' said red faced man with dust all over his boots and loud smelling cigar-stump in one corner or his mouth, to Q New York Sun reporter. I'm from Oniontown, N. J., and I'm fest more than lookin' for that man. If any body knows him and ken pint him out to me I'll make 1t worth their while to do it. Only jest show him to mo once, that's all 1 He'll be the ruination of this country wit. if somebody don't kctch him and shake him out of his boots, and I want to be the man to do it!
 "'Tain't no way likely that you ever seen that farm O mine up back of Oniontown, couple O mile, but that don't make no diff ference. 1use to raise quite a little rye on that farm, but it wasn't very rapid way to coin money, and one day year ago got to thinkin' and to fggerin'. The way of it was this: had druv into Oniontown and sold load O rye. Rye wasn't rulin' very high in the market jest then, and all got bushel for my load was thirty cents. After got my money for it dropped into Johnny Roblnson's Onionville saloon to take the chaff out O my throat before went home. Bill Glass and Jake Barr was in the place.
 
 We all took little O the old stuff. The bill was thirty cents, and paid it and went out. A solemn-lookin' chap that was hold in' down a chair in the place follered me out.
 "'It's kind O queer,' says he in bass voice, that it takes jest bushel O. rye in the bulk to pay fer lessn half O pint of its juice, haint it? he says.
 ''That idce struck me like swat on the Sorxy T ho1 1u1f 10o xoI :s
 "'rll be jigged if that haln't so, stranger says l, after spell.
 "'Yes,' says he. deeper on his bass than ever, and that hain't the hull of it, he says. Triggers won't lie, and they tell & , curious story on this subject. You blow, he says, and you sow and you reap, and | you drag your rye to market by the sweat l O your brow he says, tlnd you sell it for thirty cents a bushel. Jest look at 1t for 0 minute, and remember that figures won't | lie. Foller bushel O your rye,' he says The all-absorbin' distiller takes it. He drains out O that bushel O rye jest four gallon of raw whisky. Some says he gifts a leetle more'n that, but four gallons is nigh enough. What does it cost him to git that four gallons O whisky out O your l bushel O rye! It costs him jest 40 cents a gallon, or $1.60 for the four. These is plain | fggers, and figgers won't le,' says this | solemn man with the bass voice. There you are,' he says, your bushel O rye stands the distiller in jest $l.9O up to date. Then he has to fork out 90 cents for each one O them four gallons O whisky to pay the Government tax, and plain figgers shows you that this makes $3.60 that has to be added to the sl.9O, and there's your bushel O rye, repSesentin' q cost of s5.5O, and 30 cents of it Was yours,' says the solemn man.
 "'Now,' he says, jest look Q leetle fur der. Your bushel O rye is handed to the | iobber, and the ]obber hands 1t to the wholesaler, and the wholesaler hands 1t to the retailer, and by the time it is ready for the retailer to hand over to you and to me, perhaps, it's four gallons has swelled up to be eight gallons sure, for it has been fig Rered out. and 1&gers won't lie. Your bushel O rye has cost the retailer S12, and you got 30 cents for it, after all your plowin and sowin' and reapin'. Do you know how many drinks there is in a gallon O whisl1yl' says tho solemn man. I do,' he says. | There's sixty, so figgcrs says, and figgers won't lie. Sixty drinks to the gallon makes 4SO drinks in your bushel O rye. Ten cents drink hain't any too big price to set on lem. Consequently the retailer gets s4s for your bushel O rye. It cost him SIP Figgcrs says, and they won't lie, that he makes jest $36 clean profit on the bushel O l J on raisin' rye to dump into this awful maw of the devilish rum power till it rolls in sil yer and gold and fine linen and grinds yor into the dust says the solemn man, 'ol will you rise up like sirocco and sweep i from the landr says he.
 "I didn't say which I'd do, but wen home thinkin' hard, and the upshot of i was that made up my mind to quit raisin rye.
 "'This rum power don't git no more ry, O mo for 30 cents bushel,' l says, but won't raise up like a sirocco and sweep i from the land. I'll join it myself,' I says 'and let somebody else sell ryc in bulk fol 30 cents while sell its juice for S4S Fig gers won't lie, and that's what they say ken bo did, as plain as twice two is four.' 'So sold my farm and bought Johnn. Robin sons Onionville saloon, and settled down to clear up $36 on every bushel O ry I sold. That was six months ago. I sold good many bushels in that time, and fig .gered and proved my figgers every night and found that they come out on paper Jus as the solemn man had said, but somehoy the cash on hand didn't tally up with tn fggers. T'other day was tiggerin' ava and stranger come in and looked at me spell.
 "'Stranger, l says, what do you think ( hggersi Do you think they'll lie!' "'These iggers won't,' he says, takin' paper outen his pocket These figgers sa that Jake Popham has got s4S.92 agin yo for the last order he filled yo for old ryt I'm the sheriff, and watt the money or th shebang.'
 "Well, the sheriff has got the she ban and now all want IS to find the man wh started the story that figgers won't lie, an . I've got enough left to make it worth whil for any one to show him to me-" A Cure for HydrophObia.
 In our search for a cure for hydrophobi , why does no one think of seeking the M !, Govern family Tn County Cavan, who hay kept the secret of one for nearly three hul . dred yearsi It is, of course, impossible tell what the cure is, for 1t is confined to th ! breast of one man, says the London Ho U pital. The father on his death bed contide :A IL. if