News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-04-25
THE JOKERS BUDGET.

THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
The Directors Are Interested
Falsehood Defined - How He
Knew.
THE DIRECTORS ARE INTERESTED.
Passenger-How many times a day do
you stop fos refreshments on this road
Conductor-Six times.
"Why, that's a good many, isn't it p
perhaps so; but, you see, number
of the directors of the road are interested
in company that manufactures Il pat
ent medicine for dyspepsia. .'-Yonkers
! Statesman.
FALsEHooD DEFINED.
A little fve-year- daughter of John
T. Monk, of Randolph County, was
reading aloud to he- mother few days
ago. In the course of her reading she
came to the word 'falsehood. Elaving
pronounced the word, her mother asked
/ her if she knew what falsehood was.
eyes, mamma" she replied, sit is a
nightcap. Macon Telegram.
HOW HE KNEW.
Merrit-Nice smoking jacket, that.
| Kind of your wife to make it for you.
! Young Husband-Why, how do you
| know my wife made it fOr me?
! II lN.,@4l &O,,c
sewed down the wrong side Woman s
| World.
IT HAS REACHED THE PACIFIC.
FIJI Islander-He, no! He, he! Quick,
Matesi? I've caught missionary.
Second Islander Cumming up and ex-
amining the game)-We'eri in great luck.
Yum, yum
"What'l we do with him."
''Put him in the soup. - Chicago Her.
aid.
THE RIGHT PLACE.
Sick man-Is this the Westend San
itarium?
New Girl mystifed)-This is DR..
Blanks house.
eyes, but doesn't he take sick people
to nurse sometimes.
go! Maybe he does. There's two OF
three skeletons in the back office. .
Ptila. Record.
AN ACCOMPLISHED TRAMP.
First Tramp-Hello, pard, you look
as if you d been in clover.
Second Tramp-I was-been six
months i'll Chicago.
81 most starved there.
81 didn't. l can beg in ninety three
languages. "-NeU York Weekly.
SOMETHING NEW.
Philadelphian-Any new in New
York?
New Yorker Cbrusquely)-Of course,
sir; there is always something new i'll
New York.
"Well, what is new now 2"
''Um-er-let me see-pneumonia."
-Phild. Record.
REAL MEAN or BROWN.
Smith, don t know, but sometimes /
fid just about as lief die as not. 1t
would save me n mighty lot of worry, |
and I'd never be bothered with bills !
from the grocer, the butcher OF the coal |
dealer.
Brown-EspecialIy the coal dealer
Boston Transcript.
NECESSARY TO SUCCESS.
Bagley-I want little advice. My
friends tell me to adopt literature II
means of livelihood. What is the most
necessary thing to do first!
Editor-Get somebody to give you Il
good big bank account.-Judge.
MATTER OF TENSE.
"My DEAR" said Mr.. Ruggles, "did
you say this was tenderlOin steak!"
''Yes'
"Well, my dear, maybe it soas. y
And the accent on the ''was' was so
strong that Mrs. Ruggles dissolved into
tears.-Bazdr.
A STRONG DRAUaHT.
Friend Ito actor)-I am glad to see,
Jim, that you are getting along so well.
Actor proudly)-Yes, I've risen some
what i'll my profession, and [ think that
/ can draw pretty well now anywhere.
Friend-That's good, Jim. Let's go
down to the bank and see if you can
draw the ten-dollar bill you owe me-
Bdzdr.
AT A CAFE.
Bose-Let's see. We've ordered Irish
potatoes, haven't we? What can we
have to match them?
Emily-Ah, yes Waiter, pat of
butter, please. .-Burlington Free Press.
CAPABLE OF LEARNING.
Smith-Got ten handy, Smythe |
Here's that confounded sheriff with
warrant for my arrest for bill of Just
$989.
Smythe (coldly)-I have, but you
don't get it. Ten minutes after you
worked that sheriff racket on me last
saw you and the sheriff drinking wine
together. Excuse me, this time, please.
-Philadelphio Inquirer.
SUGGESTION
81 owe a frightful lot of money. I !
don't see how on earth / can ever pay"
"Why don't you borrow enough to
settle with your creditors, and then
start clear 2'-Bazar
HOW HE LOST TIME.
edestrian-B-b -b-boy, can you t-t-tell !
me how f-f-far it is to the po-po-post-
office?
Newsboy-What dye say, mister
edestrian-I-I-reckony you-you heard
me. How f-far is it to the po- -post-office!
Newsboy-Only half block, mister.
If you hadn't stopped me to ask you'd
a-been there a'ready.-LJe.
CURIoslTIEs OF LAW
Meek-looking man-What's the mat
tar nv good man.
Irate stranger-Im going to have
that woman arrested. She inveigled
dollar out of Inc on false pretenses.
Can you urest a woman for that2"
eyes, siree."
"My! my! Law is curious thing.
Why regular fury of woman inveigled
me into marrying her, by false pretenses
pretended she was an angel-and the
law not only won't let me arrest her,
but makes me support her. r."-Ne,o, York
Weekly.
COMFORT.
'Poor Johnnie was kind and for
bearing husband" sobbed Johns widow
on her return from the funeral.
''Yes, said sympathizing neighbor,
"but it is all for the best. You must
try to comfort yourself, my dear, with