davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Horse Dentistry.

"See that horsei" asked George F.
Case this morning.
eyes"
"Well, in about two minutes dentist
is coming around to put his teeth into
shape"
IA horse dentist3"
"Exactiy. He'll trim the rough edges
off and in fifteen minutes hell be the
happiest equine in the stable. He won't
feel any more's if he had three boils in
his mouth and scalded tongue"
The dentist arrived just then, opened
q tanned calfskin case and exposed set
of shining tools. The horse, which had
been standing in somewhat despondent
attitude, frightened up and looked ex-
pcctantly, but a little nervous. The
dentist didn't stand on ceremony. He
thrust his arm deep into the mouth and
acquainted himself with the length and
locality of the spikes. Then he thrust
in an instrument like pair Of tongues
and began cutting the teeth. The
roughened edges came off with loud,
crunch.ng noise. A smaller pair of
tongues was then inserted and about
one. eighth of an inch was cut of the
front teeth. They were then beveled
with another instrument and then all the
teeth were filed off smooth. The horse
looked satisfied as he was led away to q
stalL.-D.troH Journal.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
His Name Against Him.

The Hon. Daniel Dougherty, who was
heard at Central Music Hall last night
entertained few friends at dinner in
this city, and TO: three hours charmed
them with his fund of anecdote. Three
brighter hours never passed, from all 1
have been told. "My name has always
been against me-" he said, as he turned
the con iersation to himself. "A few
years ago 1 was invited to be one of a
party of prominent people who made an
inspection of the State Penitentiary of
Pennsylvania. In going through one OF
the corridors an attendant had occasion,
not knowing who was, to call out the
name Dan Dougherty, and in the twinkle
of an eye three of the Understanding
criminals 1 ever saw popped their heads
sout and answered Here" Mr..
Dougherty's guests roared at this story,
for he had tod it as it can never be
made to appear in type: They had
hardly recovered from holding their
hands on their sides when he added :
"There has been Dan Dougherty hung
in Pennsylvania every year since l can
remember" )" The plates fairly danced on
the table. Chicago Mail.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Brains Always Win.

Stranger-"Beg pardon, madam. for
calling you to the door, but will you, be
kind enough to tel me who that
ignorant, vulgar, commonplace woman
in the house across the way isl"
Mrs. Gabb-"That's Mrs. Stuckup."
"Stuckup. Thank you. 1 must re-
member the name so as not to waste time
on her in future. How did sucl hope
lessly ignorant woman get on this very
respectable street, l wonders"
'Im sure don't know. called on
her once, but she never returned it, and
that ended our acquaintance, you may be
sure, the odious thing"
~ should say so. Why. that woman
wouldn't know lady from an orang
outang; she wouldn't know a bright
spoon from q black one. It's an actual
fact that it isn't five minutes since she
said she had never heard of the Skihigb
silver polish; and when I even went to
the trouble TO brighten spoon for her
she said it looked just the same.-Never
saw such ignorance. l suppose you
have always used the Slrihigh polish, OF
course. You have the bright, CHEEKY,
beautiful appearance of ladies who do,
but perhaps your supply is NEST out,and
in that case" -.
IL believe it is. III take a package"
.'It comes in cans, madam. One
dollar, please. Thanks. "-Pailade!phaa
Record.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Drove Him Away.

Mark Twain, during his early days,
did not stand we'll among boarding
house keepers. The drawing youth
was too lazy to pay his board. Once,
while working on the st. Louis Repuota-
can, Twain, after many boarding house
hardships, cast his hungry lot with Q
hard featured widow named Perkins.
The printers had told h In that she was
woman of gentle nature. They gleefully
awaited the end of the first week. Mon
day morning when Mark came to the Of
flee his face wore an anxious expression.
"How are you, Clemens" said the
foreman.
"Slow."
"That's fact. Glad to see that you
have entered upon the week in so truth
full q way. How is your landlady2"
'Bad."
''Did you pay her Saturday nightf'
"No."
'sWhat did she sayi" :,
"Nothing, but she looked as though
she were chiseled out of stone.
'I should think" tramp printer re-
ioined, "that she looked as though she
were chiseled out of board"
Twain cast a quick glance at the
speaker, and, lazily reaching for his coat,
said: "My immortal so&l is too tender to
stand the cruel shafts of sarcasm. GOOD
bye"
He dragged himself out of the Office
His career as printer was at an end
Arkansau ITareier.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
A Queer Family.

There resides in Urbana, Ohio,
veritable family of cranks. Two sister
and brother are now living. Years ag
the father bought coats for the boys, bu
neglected one of his sons, John, Jr.
whereupon the boy said he would neve
wear coat as long as his fathe
lived. He went upstairs to his room
where he remained until fourteen year
after, when the father died. The hous'
was afterward painted all over with tn
most grotesque and curious designs
While John, the peculiar, and brothe
were disputing about these designs, tn
brother said: "John, I wish you woultl
90 upstairs and stay there" John die
50, remaining as before for four years
coming down to attend the brother1
funeral. John, the recluse, is bleached
as white of woman because of his lons
confinement. He is sixty-tive years old
A sister has charge of the finances, bul
the sisters and brother live a secluded
life, never mingling with the world With
out
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
The Japanese Emperor.

The Emperor of Japan is a very
studious man. He rises early and break
fasts at seven or eight o'clock. He uses
the knife and fork in eating when he
takes foreign food, and he adopts the
chopsticks at his japanese dinners. He
varies his meals, sometimes taking foreign
food and sometimes japanese. He is
fond of meats, and has well-trained
% japanese cook to serve them for him
II is not customary for him to eat with
the Empress, and he usually eats alone.
After breakfast is over he goes to his
study, and at o o'clock he receives such
Ministers of State as have matters to re-
port to him. His audiences with them
often last until 12 o'clock. He then re.
turns to his own room and takes his
lunch. This usually consists of fish,
meats, bread and wines. He is good
eater and likes good wine.-Londoa
Figar!
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
An Interesting Lcgislator1

An interesting figure in the Peunsyl
vania legislature is the Hon. John 8
Rhey, member of the lower House from
Cambria County. He is past seventy
was Speaker of the House in 1852, and il
the only representative of the old schoo
Democracy now in public life in Penn
svlvania. AS Speaker of the House il
1852, he appointed the committee tina
looked after the entertainment of Loui|
Kossuth and his suite when they visited
Harrisburg and escorted them across TIN
State to Pittsburg, a large part of thd
iournev having to be made in sleighs
there being no Pennsylvania Railroad Il
Pittsburg then, and the State cana
being frozen. Mr.. Rhey is one of th)
oldest and eblest lawyers, journalists and
politicians in active life in the State to !
day. HIS mother is living, and will sooj
be 100 years old.-New York Sun. !
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Both in Hard Luck.

This story opens on the third floor ofa
magnificent Harlem compartment house.
He had been twisting about on his
chair trying to find words to express his
undying devotion, and had already be-
gun to hem and haw, when voice came
from the floor below:
"Miss Candlewick," it said "I love
you passionately-madly; bid me but
hope, and all the dark colors of my life
will change"
This was bonanza for the young man
above.
'Aliss Clara, darling" he said, tremu.
lousy, "thems my sentiments"
Then another voice came from below:
"No, Mr.. Goatee, I cannot bid you
hope; I love another"
''And them's mine, Mr.. Morris, re-
marked Miss Cla. a.-Harpsr's Basar.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Philadelphln Built on q Gold Mine.

A few days ago I met Professor Alon-
20 Chase, gcologist of Cornell University.
The conversation happened to turn on
gold, when the Professor remarked
Some of the most interesting facts about
gold is that it is found in greater or less
Quantities in all parts of the world. For
instance, the city of Philadelphia is
built ON gold mine. Tests have been
made of earth from various parts of that
city, all of which show the presence of
gold, but, as it yields only a few cents
to the cubic yard, it would not pay to
work it,"-Msu York Star.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Chinese Nuptial Preparations.

The preparations for the imperial we'd
ding 60 on uninterruptt dly at Peking.
Thirty officials Of the Han-ln Academy
are copying out hanging scrolls of au-
spicious and poetical inscriptions, to be
hung in pairs; and twenty operatives of
the paste pot come every morning, each
with his passport in his belt, to the pal
ace TO decorate the walls. The court
painters are also hard at work at the
mun:hln or door josses. for which paper,
paint, etc., have been issued to them by
order of the Board of ReYenue from the
Color Department. San francisco
CbrOujr1e
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Country Versus City Life.

The general death-rate in large cities,
says DR.. j. NJ. French, in the american
Agrieulturist, is often twice as great as
in the sparsely-settled country, while
among children under FIVE years of age
the difference is even greater than this.
20 constant and we'll ascertained is this
difference that DR.. Farr, the English
registrar general, has formulated the law
that the death. rate of districts increases
with the density of their population.
Investigations which have been recently
made upon large scale prove conclu.
sively that all persons living beyond the
age of eighty years only, an extremely
small proportion were born or spent their
childhood in the city, while large pro:
portion were reared upon farm. In
one case, out of one thousand octo-
genarians, four hundred and sixty-one
had been farmers all their lives, and
nearly all of them began life upon the
farm. In another instance, out of many
thousands, only one person over eighty
years of age had been born and brought
up in the city. Many of them had re-
moved to the city, and engaged in busi.
ness there, but all except one had spent
the years of bodybuilding in the coun-
try.
The great majority of the successful
business men in our cities, and of men
occupying responsible positions in pub :
lie life, were country born and bred. In
the country they obtained that robust
ness of constitution and strength of body
without which no one can long endure
the strain of business or professional life.
There too, they build up that strength
of mind and character which is neces-
sary in order to overcome the temptations
of city life, and that stcadfast determine
tion which enabled them to achieve sue.
cess.
The reasons for these things are not
hard to find. The conditions of city
life are such as to lead to much greater
prevalence of nearly all epidemic
and contagious diseases. Then the
country lads and lasses enjoy plenty OF
good air and sunshine, simple food and
outdoor exercise. Their habits are
regular, their hours of rising and retiring
are early, and they live close to nature
In the city these conditions are reversed.
Pure air is hard to find, night is turned
into clay, and life is artificial. The
strain upon the nervous system Is
greater, the body is not as well nour.
ished, aud the vital forces give out ear
1ier
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
THE AILKIND MOTHER

Lo. whatever is at hand
Is full meet for the demand:
Nature ofttimes giveth best
hhsn she seeneth char isst.
She hath shapen shower and sun
To the need OF every one
Summer bland and winter drear,
Dimpled pool and frozen mere
All thou lackest she hath sthl,
Near thy finding and thy fill
Yields her fullest faith, and she
VIII endow thee royalty.
Loveless weed and lilY fair
She attendeth, here and there
Kindly to the weed as to
The lorn lilly feared with dew.
Each to her hath uss as dear
Is the other; an thou clear
Thy cloyed senses thou may'st see
Haply all the mystery.
Thou shalt see the lily get
It's divinest blossom; yet
Shall the weeds tip bloom no less
With the song-bird's gleefulness.
Thou art poor, or thou art rich
Never lightest matter which:
An the glad gold of the noon,
All the silver Of the moon,
She doth lavish on thee, while
Thou withholdest any smile
or thy gratitude to her,
Baser used than usurer.
Shame be on thee an thou seek
Not Der pardon, with hot cheek,
And bowed head, and brimming eyes,
And her merciful arise"
james ". Riley in the Century.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Salary No Object.

Young Woman (at intelligence office
-"Any situations open to-day"
3lanager-"Yes. There is fine open
ing for second girl in good family
on Sunny avenue, 81 week. Duties
light. And you get your board free,
you know, and two afternoons off every
week"
Young Woman (haughtily)-"Any
other chances2"
Manager-"Let me see. HIM. Yes,
Grindem & Hardface, the dealers in green
hioes and tanners supplies, in the base
ment this side of the docks on Dingy
Row, want an assistant bookkeeper.
Salary small, of course"
Young Woman (excitedly)-"Never
mind the salary. Giva ME note to the
firm!"- Chicago Tritune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
He Admitted She Was Right.

He was seated across the room.
"Georgc," she said ''if fire were sud.
denly to break out in the house what
would be your first impulse, do you
think2"
"Well, my first thought would be for
you, of course. I would get you
to place of safety, and then do what
could to extinguish the flames"
"That would be very nice of you,
George, to think of me first; but if fire
were to break out now, for instance,
wouldn't you lose valuable time in reach
ing me from away across the room:"
II don't know but what l would,'
said George, as he changed his seat.
-SundaU CrHQue.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
A Contract to Light Mexico.

n. A. Haven and John J. Haddy. of
St. Louis, have received from the
Mexican Government the papers
conccding them twenty years ex,
elusive privilege to manufacture and
furnish water gas to all the cities OF
Mexico. The company is known as the
Union Light and Fuel Gas Company of
America, with capital stock of SIS, OO0,-
coo. The President OF the company is
D. D. Dewey, and the Secretary John
d. Norton, both of Pontiac, Mich. The
papers are signed by President Diaz and
other officials of Mexico.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
He Didn't Advertise.

First Tradesman-"How's business
with you, Smith"
Second Tradesman (dejectedly)-
"Pretty poor" :,
First Tradesman-'I see you haven't
got any sign up"
Second Tradesman-"No; don't be-
licve in signs. Goods speak for them
selves"
First Tradesman-"No, they don't.
It's my opinion, Smith, that, with re-
spect to sign, you have either got to
put up or shut up."-Buringto~ Free
Press.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Easily Suited.

Landlady-"Does the turkey suit you,
Mr.. McGinnisn
Roarder-s'It is excellent, Mrs. Hash
we'll. I do believe that cook of yours
could roast side of so:e-leather and
make it tender and palatable. This is
feeling confusedly that he has made a
blundery, 1 mean, of course, tender
enough for me. I'm not--ah-at all
particular, you know. lean er--worry
down any sort of cooking, Mrs. Hash
we'll"
Iandlady Gcily)-Thank you, Mr.
McGinnis !''-C Chicago Tribune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Misrepresentation.

"Doctor Jenkins" asked an. anxious
patient, don't you think it would be
dangerous to go into the water after o
hearty meal3'
sit would be more dangerous to fish
it out and eat it" "growled the DOCTOR
Judge.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
the proprietor to trust him to two cents

the proprietor to trust him to two cents
worth Of candy.
II don't know you," was the reply.
'sBut live ,ust two blocks down."
'sBst what made you suppose I'd
trust you2n
Il supposed so because you've got two
barrels Of kerosene out doors and I could
have bored gimlet holes in both of them
last night without anybody knowing
it."
The grocer compromised by trusting
the boy to cents worth of candy and
rolling the barrels into his shed.-Dstrat
Free Press,
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Put I'm n Different Light.

In the garden.
"Are you not ashamed, cousin, to kill
a pretty bird like that"
But, my dear girl, thought it would
look so we'll in your hat"
"True, didn't think of thatl It's
exactly the same shade of gray. You are
very kind !"-Ju ige.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
It Had Been the Rounds.

Miss Clara--'Is that a new ring you
have on, Ethel9 1t strikes me have
seen it before"
Mis-, / thel (blushing)-"Yes, Clara;
Young Mr.. Paperwate presented il to me
last night. have accepted him"
Miss Clara-"Uh, indeed! I'm so
glad. Accept my best wishes. I
thought that ring looked strangely fa-
miliar. ."-LJe.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27

quirsd the dentist, posing the forceps.
There was a moments hesitation; then
the Judge sat up from his reclining po.
sition, and looking innocently at the
dentist, said, in all good faith: swell,
now, I don't know; I'll 60 home and ask
Halen ~
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Consfderate Judge.

Judge-"Miss, how old are you2'
Witness-"Well, I'm thirty"
"Thirty what"
"Well, between thirty and forty"
sI'n put your age down at thirty
nine; guess you won't lose anything
by that. t."-Teras Sittings.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Not At All.

De smith-"Don't you think Hiss De
Co!lete is splendid creature."
Travis es, all but her eyes. They
aren't exactly the same color"
De Smith-"You ought to overlo ok
little fault like that"
Travis-''I can't. She's foot taller
thanoI ain. m."-Bur!ington Free Press.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
An Excellent Dressmaker

Miss Travis-"Don't you think my
new dress is too sweet for anything"
Miss DeSmith- -"Oh, lovely-exquis.
ite! do believe your dressmaker could.
make beanpole look graceful ."--Bur-
Hnyton Free Iress.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Practically Unanimous.

At the beginning of our late war the
secession of one of the States was being
discussed in little company one even
ing. :. .,
"How do the ladies feel about iti"
asked one gentleman of another.
"Oh," replied the person addressed,
"the ladies are for union to MANI
Hurper.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
The Mothers Joke.

Mo!her-"I would not put too much
faith in Miss Pert, john"
Son-"Why not? She's all right"
Mother-"Don't you think she's q
little tlighty, apt to change, like a
weathercock!"
Son-"No. What makes you think
she's like weathercock2"
Mother-"Because she's little vain. "
Boston Courier.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
The Size Nothing to do With 1t.

Magistrate Ito complainant)-'Do you
mean to say, sir, that this woman's baby
can annoy you so excessively as you
claim2 Why, they live next door"
Complainant-"Yes, your honor" ;,
Magistrate-"And the baby doesn't
weigh more than fourteen pounds; it's
about the smallest specimen of hu-
manity I ever saw! A baby that size
can't make any noise"
Crmplainant-"Judge, you ought to
get married and have few babies your.
self; it would broaden your intellect and
rive YOU information that might be even
Of legal importance to ou."-Ep7ch.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Musical Item.

'One of these dollars is counterfeit,
ma'am."
"How can you telli"
",imply by sound. Just tap it and
hear how clear the genuine sounds.
That's tenor. Notice when / tap the
other one. That's base."- SytingS.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27

When the water slowly freezes
In the pump,
When the merry winter breeze IS
On the jump,
When the people Of this section
Get purplish complexion,
And the mercury's direction
Is a-slump;
When the merchant dons his great
Rubber boots,
And the school.boy on his skate
Executes
Most astonishing gyratlons,
Eephantine demonstrat. ons,
When in full blast are the nations
'Boggan chutes;
When the attic room doth grow
Quite too airy,
When the streets because OF snow
Become glary-
Then it's very safe to say
That tits not the month of May,
But the blizzariously gay
February.
-Harper's Bazar
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
He Was Slow.

Drill Sergeant-''l say, Schmidt, have
you any idea of how slow and stupid you
arel"
Private Schmidt-"I don't know"
"Of course you don't, but let me tell
you that an Egyptian mummy is frisky
compared with you"
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES

Signs of the Season - Misappre'
hension-Musicai Item-A Con-
siderate Judge-Put in q
Different Light, Etc. Etc.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-02-27
Supposed O. Case

A small boy entered Fourteenth
avenue grocery the other day and asked
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-10-25

The voters of Dawson county will
he called upon next month to decide
whether it is advisable at this time to
4 purchase poor farm. and the ques-
tion is one of sufficient Importance to
warrant the fullest consideration. We
q are advised by those who have given
sstAe matter their special attention that
such q farm can be bought for about
what it costs to provide for the county
poor for one year under the present ar
Sssfangements. The establishment of the
farm will also have the further effect
ITO lessen the number of those applying
sssf0r aid. as only those absolutely
adependent on the public can safely
ask to be cared for. Another fact
sgin favor of purchase at this time is
sSs4hatland will never be as low in price
asiit1is now, and a much more desira-
6le location can be secured than if the
purchase be delayed. Every one will
ssadmit3the necessity of such an institu-
{ tiOh5 sooner or later, and if the land is
now sufficient amount can be
saved TO warrant the early investment
are of the opinion, therefore, that
|ssfhe9 e9proposition should receive the ia
ESSDrable consideration of the tax pay
N Sts. Meanwhile these columns are
sOpensto full discussion OF the ques-
gs4inf1