Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-12-20
SPARKS OF W.T.


a CHARGE to keep i have. Is the
song Of grand GrYmen.
He: @Wil you be my wife" She:
No; but III be your cook.
THE orator who awaxed" eloquent
was arrested for assault and battery.
THE court house is not necessarily a
sad place because so many plaintiff
stories are heard there.
A SIGN on an Eighth avenue liquor
store reads: Family Liquor Ware
house" Family liquors wear houses all
out.
How IT worked: Carper-So you've
been trying the faith cure? Harper
Yes. CaEper Cure you2 Harper-Ees
of my faith.
You seem at home here, remarked
man at the pOstofice to the postmaster.
Yes, " replied the latter, this is my
stamping ground. "
SOME men are called sagaoious
merely on account of their avarice;
whereas, a child can clench It's fist the
moment it is born.
POWER and liberty are like heat and
moisture; where they are well mixed
everything prOspers, where they are
single they are destructive.
THOMPSON (proudIy) Robinson, You
see that gun Ny wife killed a bear
with that once. RObinsOn-Ah, indeed
What was she shooting at?
MARRIAGES are made In heaven,
quOth Miss Antique. "Then there is
some chance for you yet" was the
cruel response Of her young sister.
MNKs-Were you away last sum-
mer? Whistles, off about a month
at a summer resort. Glow did you spend
the time ?" Waiting for it to stop rain
ing"
TEACHER peacock has many
eyes in its tail. Boy suppose it can
Away find a seat, but it must be ex-
pensive for eyeglasses if the beast is
near-sighted.
SERVANT answering belD II Miss
Bright doesn't care to see any one this
afternoon. Willzins-But she'll see me,
[ am sure. SerYant-No. she won't
she mentioned you In particular.
WEARY WHISPERS (the tramp) Don't
get frightened, madam I am a member
Of the Anti-Waste Society, an I Jest
called ter see if yer didn't want ter hire
man to eat up what vittIes yer have
left over.
A FACETIOUs man was taking a drink
at a bar. Observing view of Niagara
on the wall he asked jolzingly. els that
real water ?" "NO, replied the bar
tender, the real water is in the glass
you hold"
TRUTH for once: GIes-Pm glad I let
that fellow have the small loan He
seemed overwhelmed with gratitude,
and said he could never repay ne
Merribt-That was strange. He told
you the truth
LADY of the hOuse-Now, don't you
think you could saw little wood for
me? Tramp (WhO has lust dined)-
No, mum; saving that there steak you
just gave me is all the saving I want
to do for one day.
On the EiffeI Tower: Mother and
the girls (ecstaticalIy): My, isn't it
high. Pepper (in a gloom that reaches
the base Of the tOwer) Well, what
Of it Have you seen anything in
Paris this summer that wasn't high?
Mrs. BRNK-Mrs. KIink! Mrs.
Klink! Your little boy is in our yard
stOning our chickens. Mrs. KIink-
Horrors! He'll get his feet wet in your
big, ugly, damp grass. I don't see why
you can't keep your lawn moved, Mrs.
Brink.
ADA-Were you not afraid during
that thunder and lightning stO n Z?
Elsie-NO; I was with Mike, who was
lately discharged from the Third Ave
nue. railroad, and you know that the
electric fluid never strikes non-con-
ductor.
THEN AND NOW.
Was q man OF aOul6 account
And well among his neighbOrs stood
For any reasonable amount
BIS name was good.
He took to drink, and soon his nose
Assume tint as red blood,
And now as far as credit goes,
His name is Dennis.
Boston Courier.
STEWARD, he said feebIy, in the
small hours of the stormy night, trying
to turn over in his berth. Steward,
what's that ?" "The sailor on d X.
sir. eyes, but what did he say
Just now 2" "Au well, sir" "my,
what a Iiar" And then ne turned over
and moaned a NAL de mer moan.
CONDUCTOR That boy can't be less
than five years old. I shall have to
charge you half fare for him. Mr.. Skin
flint (nervOusly looking at his Watch)
No, you won't It's now o'clock. That
boy won't be five years old till exactly
7.30, and we expect to get off this train
at exactly 7.28. If you charge me any-
thing for that boy III report you.
PATIENCE.