Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

'
a liar be sure you're right then use the
telephone. -Lye.
With the floating population at the
seashore undressed kids are quite COM
mon oRbers Statesman.
Man will give ten words to the ex-
preston of his JOY and fifty to lament
| his sorrows.-Atchis0fl Globe.
The lawn-mower is good deal like
the keeper of bucket-shop-it shaves
the green. Gazette.
1t is evident that the earth is fem
mime from her persistency in refusing
to disclose her age.-TecaS SittingS.
! In former times it took ten mills to
make one cent. Now it takes hun
/ dreds of pounds to make one MILL
/ Baltimore american.
Alum contracts soft solids. That is
why college man becomes an alum
nus upon leaving his alma mater
BingbanatOla Republican.
A good deal of billing and cooling is
being done at the summer resorts just
now. Lovers do the cooling and hotel
proprietors the billing.-Lye.
Noah was the first curve pitcher
He pitched within and out. He was
no SLOUGH of a twirler, either-his
neighbors couldn't get ''onton his ark.
-Puck
We don't want law to purify cleo
tions half so much as one to purify a
chap after he has been elected and be-
gins to reach down for Doodle. De
trOit Free Press.
Evangelist-''I shall deal to-day
with especial reference to the curse of
cards" Voice Cfrom back seat)-
Shuttle fore yer deals an give US er
chance to cut. Epoch.
People who are constantly complain
| ing that life is a burden to them seem
surprised at the intimation that they
are making it burden to everybody
| else.-NerchGnt TraUeLer.
Parson White-How'd yo' like de
sermon on Charity dis mornin', dea-
comp Deacon Hardscrapple-Dat was
r very touchin' sarmon, parson. Kin
yo' lend me r dollar?-Life.
Miss Byston-Papa, find our Pro-
fessor of Pathology interesting. Mr..
Boston-Our what? Miss Boston
Our Professor of Pathology-our guide,
| you know.-NeaO York Sun.
The Linseed Oil Trust expects to
pay per cent on $16,000,000 In view
of that diluted capitalization the theory
that oil and water will not mix is
somewhat impaired. -LoveU Courier.
McCorkle-It's queer that none of
these railway robbers are women.
Mrs. McCorkle Gndignant)-Indeed!
And why? McCorkle-Because they
they know so we'll how to hold up a
train. Epoch.
Mr.. Phunnyman-My dear, did you
know that Noah understood all about
electricity? Mrs. Phunnyman - No;
did he? Mr.. Phunnyman-Why, yes;
he made the arc light on Ararat.-
Philadelphia Press.
Fashionable people at the seashOre
are more than ordinarily Indifferent
to the cearacter and extent of their
bathing suits this year. In word,
little or nothing is good enough for
them. Philadelphia Press.
''Here, Brown, let's see how much
you weigh. Drop a nickel in the
olOLs NO. 4 IL uOO uO LudG. JUL YOU
drop nickel in my hand and I'll tell
you how much l weigh, my age, and
the size of my hat. "-Harper'8 Ba@ar.
81 am from St. Louis" said young
man as he registered at a Chicago no.
tel. 30, WE'LL" replied the clerk,
compassionately, put your address
down as New York. Your awful Sc
cret will be safe with me. "-Harper's
Bazar.
First Omahan-What excuse does
Parson Doolittle offer for not holding
service to-day? Second Omahan =
Well, you know he has just returned
from his regular summer vacation
rest, and he says he's too tired.-On1G-
h0 World.
Mrs. Pancake Ito tramp)-Go away
there! l don't want any wood chop
ped, nor any carpets beaten, nor any
thing else! Tramp-Be jabers, mum,
thin it's just the roight house Dim
sthrikin', mum. It's only begin Oi
am. Life.
English club men are excited over
new kind of cigars which are said to
contain not a particle Of tobacco.
Cigars like that may be new in En-
gland, but they have been making
them down in Connecticut for a great
many years. -SOnoerUGLte Journal.
Smartfellow-"Ye I'll be away
some weeks. I'm going to Oklahoma. "
-"Oklahoma? Why, you
are too late" Smartfeilow-''No,P I'm
just in time. | have three or four car
loads of sandwiches which am going
to trade for corner lots. "-Ne1O York
Weekly.
Mrs. Pettim-* Strange what taste
my boy has for natural history. He
has been collecting specimen" Mrs.
Titter-''What progress has he made?"
Mrs. Pettim-'.Splendid! Why, he has
six pairs of live cats hanging by their
tails from the clothes-line in the back
yard this minute. Epoch.
Mr.. Phunnyman (reading from an
exchange)-''Iti is aggravating for
hungry tramp to find only a fork in
the road" Mrs. P.-''Except when
he sees brother tramp approaching"
/ Mr.. P.-'FWhat difference would that
make?" Mrs. P.-''Meet on the fork"
| PbtLadelphiG Press.
Husband-Well,m my dear, what did
the magnetic physician say TO you?
Wife-He says am sick woman,
and that my nervous system is not in
equilibrium. He saws / am too
positive. Husband-Humphi l could
have told you that and saved couple
of dollars.-NeaO York Sun.
DR.. Bowless-You will find your
dyspepsia greatly alleviated, Mr..
Peck by cheerful and agreeable con-