Evening capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1888-1893, 1889-06-07
SCRAPS"

SCkAPS.
Bright boy Ito visiting pastor)-
Now try itonm me. Ma says you can
put anyone to sleep in five minutes.
"Not good If detached" appears
on railroad coupon tickets, and it
might often be inscribed on divorce
paper.
1t is said the science of medicine
now knows 1000 remedies for dis
eases, and themost remarkable thing
in the face of this is that the people
keep on dying, precisely as if disease
could not be cured.
Mr.. Jack Strauss-Miss Mamie,
did you ever read "Behind closed
doors?" Miss Manlie-O, yes, often.
/ read all of Miss Rives' works in
that way. Mamma is so old fash
ioned and strict, you know.
Parson-I am astonished, sir, to
hear man with three married
daughters, say that marriage is a
failure" Citizen-Well, sir, when
you have three families to support
you will learn that marriage is posi-
tive ban kruptcy.
"Make yourself necessary, young
man." said Josh Billings long ago,
"and success Is certain" Yes, yes;
but suppose the young man makes
himself necessary in a breach of
promise suit? Success isn't always
80 certain then as it might be.
A Chicago gambler, whose first
name was George, used to frequent
q Chinaman's establishment and
smoke opium daily. One day he
rushed into the place and said, ex-
citedly: "Hip, loan me ten dollars.
Thanks. III come in and pay you
tomorrow noon if I'm alive" and
went out with the money. About
three o'clock the next afternoon a
friend of the gambler dropped in on
the Chinaman and said: "Hip, p,where
is George to-dayw and the confiding
celestial wiped his eye with the
corner of his blouse and replied:
George, him dead"
The Harney Items man is nothing
If not original. Hear him: owe
want to say to the fellow who SO
freely expressed himself about us in
Burns last Saturday, that with all
our faults we have never stolen lum-
ber from George Wilcoxen and John
Gates, nor from George Huston.
Neither have we stolen can of
powder from Walter Huston, nor
did we ever steal sledge hammer
from Steve hampshire, nor fill our
pockets with nails while sitting on
nail kegs in the stores. Neither did
we ever steal auger bits from p. +.
Stenger's store while Billey Miller
was clerking there. If the fellow
sees his likeness in this item he can
preserve IT."
In John Wanamaker's Philadel-
phia establishment the employees re-
ceive n certain percentage of the
profits. A distribution 10 made
monthly among employees irrespect-
i've of the length of service. These
distributions amounted to
SOS. .26S during the past year. Be
sides this, there is portion of the
profits set aside for the benefit of
those who have been in the employ
Of the firm for over seven years.
This fund Is distributed annually,
aud for the year ending April l.,
1883, amounted to S44.lS5, which
sum has been divided between about
400 employees.
IL WAS at n banquet, and cham.
pagne flowed freely. The evening
Was well advanced, when benig-
nant old gentleman rose up To pro
pose n toast, He spoke with huen-
rncy, but somehow he said exactly
the opposite To what he meant. "I
feel, y said he, THAT fora plain coun-
Try squire like myself to address this
learned company is, indeed, To
r,st pearls before swine" Never
was so successful speech made,
He could get no further for many
minutes, The company applauded F.
'ociierously, and Is though they
" ould never cease.