Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-03-25

1t is no use to fret about the inevitable,
but sometimes it helps to pass away the
time.
1t is said that Mr.. Wanamaker never
went to a circus. There is great treat
for him in Washington.
Spring lamb has made its appearance
in market. That settles it. The back
bone of winter is fractured.
Kate Field says the hustle is an lnven-
tion of the devil. If his Satanic Majesty
gets royalty on each hustle sold, he must
be very rich by this time.
wag being asked the name of the in
ventor of the butter stamps replied that
it was probably Cadmus, as he first bro't
letters into Greece.
The man who wrote, Nothing is i'm
possible" never tried to find the pocket
of his wife's dress when it was hanging
up in a clothes-press.
Waiter, bring me some PASSPORT her
rings in cotton-seed Oil" Not on the
bill, sab" "Never mind the bill,-bring
me box of sardines."
Mrs. Doogan-Dhat's foine dog yez
have, Marie. Is it a black-antan ur a
Greyhound? Marie-Mrs. Doogan, bein'
as it fell to us, we do call it sky terror.
What is n man of-war?" said a teacher
to his class. "A cruiser, was the prompt
reply. What makes it go?' Its screw,
sir ''Who go with it," Its crew, sir"
Tennyson compares men to trees, and
perhaps he is right about some men, who
are all limbs, whose boughs are awkward
and whose general reputation is some
what shaky.
At the Registry office (clerk) .-Your
age, please. Woman voter (facetiously)
woman, you know, is only as old as
she looks. Clerk-Oh, but surely madam,
you cannot be SO old as that.
Patronizing Old Gentleman-I wonder
whose little boy this is? Small Boy
There's two ways you could find out.
Old Condemnation so, my son? Boy
You might guess, or You might inquire.
Il used to Think said Uncle Ezra,
''thet this thing of gals kissin' pug dogs
was purity rough but sence L come to
town, an see some of the dudes-well,
maybe the gals amt so much to blame
arter all.
Bobby was curious about the "white
STUFF on the strawberry short-cake. His
mother explained how it was made, and
pretty soon he said feelingly, please
give me another spoonful of the spanked
cream
The salary of the king of Samoa is said
to be only $40 month. They seem to
do some things better in Samoa than in
England, Germany, Austria and Russia.
They pay u king what he is worth, not
what he wants.
Sacred to her memory. Bootblack-
Shine, sir? Countryman (sadly)-No,s SON
ny; them boots amt been BACKED since
my poor, dear wife died, six months ago.
There amt much blackin' left on 'em, but
what's there she put on herself.
The following lines were actually APP
pended to the death notice OF a woman
who died in Monroe County, Pennsylva-
mia, 1878 =
''Some have children, some have none:
She was the mother of twenty-one."
Bobby-Ma, is the church raising
fund to send our minister to Europe?
Mother-Yes, dear Bobby-And will the
church be closed while he is gone? Moth
er-Yes. Bobby-Well, ma, can't give
that dollar I've saved up to the fund?
The Bazaar is informed of the very APP
propriate selection of ali organist at re-
cent church wedding. As soon as the
happy pair had been pronounced man and
wife, the organist played, ''She never
will be missed, she never will be miss
ed
One day Ray and Ernest were playing
together, and as they occasionally quar-
relied, their mother said If you are
naughty again, l shall separate you. In
a little while Ernest called: he is naugh-
ty, mamma; please come and separate
him.