Waterbury evening Democrat., 1889-05-02
 TANNING A HUSBAND:

TANNING A HUSBAND: The Sarcastic Advice of a Woman Who
 Has Had Three of them.
 Certainly-you can't scold amiss, my dear woman, exclaims female contributor ;n the New York Ledger. If he hasn't done ''this or that" he has probably done some thing else. Scolding clears the domestic atmosphere; you have to keep up a perpet- Husbands get terribly manageable some- times unless they are kept up to the mark. Don't lose any time about it either. Once let a man hoist the flag of independence, and unless you haul it down for him in double quick time you're a lost woman. Once allow him to suppose that he's master of the house, and the first you know it will be: "Minnie, bring me match for my cigar, that's dear," or, ''Minnie, just look for my cravat, will youa" or even, Minnie, I've brought Jones and Howard home to dinner; couldn't help asking lem. You needn't make any extra parade, but just get D few oysters, or a lobster or somethlngl" That's the way you'll be victimized. Once begin waiting on him, and you'll have business for the rest of your life. Put him down, and keep him there.
 sHow?"
 That's pretty question to ask The "hows" are as thick as mosquitoes on an August evening. Blame him for every thing he does; make up your mind not to be satisfied under any circumstance wh atever. If it rains, blanc him because tho sun doesn't shine; if he puts his newspaper on one corner of the mantelpiece, scold him because he didn't put it on the other; if he laughs above his breath, put your hands up to your ears, and ask him Eff he supposes you were made without nervesa" If he frowns, call him an ill-natured brute. If he brings home tickets for the opera, tell him you had set your heart on going to the theater. If he talks to a lady, turn jealous, go into mysteries; if he joins knot of gentlemen, tell him "it's very plain that hls poor wife's society has no longer any charms for hlm." If he invites friends to your house, tell him that ''you don't keep hotel," if he doesn't invite them, tell him he Is an unsocial bear, who would like to keep you alone the whole time. If he has a cold in his head, deluge the whole house with soap -and-water and scrub-brushes; If he suffers from toothache, insist on having every window in the room open, on ac count of ''fresh air" If he is fond of roast 1 turkey, see that cold pork is on the table instead; if he likes coffee, discover, all of sudden, that it Is not healthy, and substitute milk and water!
 Don't give him his own way in any one particular-contradict him on all occasions tread on his toes whenever he is going to l say any thing, and then fret at him for be- l ing ''silent and sulky" Never allow him | to wear his best coat-put him on diet of 1 one shirt a week-keep the ''change" and l deal it out to him by the half dime-groan 1 at his extravaganza whenever he buys a | new hat, and hunt in all his pockets for strong cigars, champagne corks, peanut. | shells, or any such silent witnesses to his depravity.
 Why, if you didn't keep up this constant
 system of intimidation, he might actually be impudent enough to chuck you under the
 chin, or pull your curls, or even kiss you once in awhile. He might keep dinner
 waiting half a minute; he might steal one of your little handkerchiefs out of the | bureau drawer when he couldn't find his own yellow border concerns; he might l elevate his feet on the parlor mantel; he
 might imagine home was place to enjoy
 himself in; he might be insane enough te
 suppose that a wife liked to wait on hel
 husband!
 There is no telling what he might not dc
 or say or think if he were not judiciously
 snubbed.
 | Just follow up this system, however, anC 1 you'll be pretty sure to take the starch out ! of him. Don't get discouraged if he is
 little stiff and "set in his way" at first l two or three months of the above discipline
 will make him as limp as an old dish-rag
 You may be obliged to fight one or twt pitched battles, but that's of no conse
 quence. You have always one grea1resor if the day is going against you, turn ol
 the tears! He can't go sniveling about th' | house with red eyes and swelled nose-yol | can! Tears will subdue a man when tht
 rest of the feminine artillery won't! Try 1 just once, and seel
 That's the way to break them in, girls
 No failure and warranted to cure the wors ; cases-no better receipt in the whole conju
 gal pharmacopoia for transforming high
 spirited young fellow into meek, umbrella carrying, billpaylng, cradle-rocking ma
 chine who knows his ''place," and neve speaks unless his wife says he may.