davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
WITTY IMPRoMPTUs.
Some of the Brilliant Sayings of Swift.
Canning and OthersJ

Some of the Brilliant Sayings of Swift.
Canning and OthersJ
From the London News
Few people were so fertile in witty i'm
promptus as Dean Swift. He was once in
vited by rich miser to dine with large
party, and, on being requested by the host
to return thanks at the removal of the
cloth, he uttered the following grace:
Thanks for this miraele-this is no less
Than to eat mama in the wilderness
Where raging hunger reigned we've found re
And seen the wond' rous thing-e piece of beef
Here chimneys smoke that never smoked be-
fore
And we've all eat where we shall eat no more.
Even in the lunaey which darkened the
close of his life, he had some intervals of
sense when his brilliant wit was as keen as
ever. During these intervals his physicians
were accustomed to take him out in a car
rage for the benefit of fresh air. When
they came to the park, Swift remarked a
new building, and asked what it was de-
signed for, to which DIR. Kingsbury answer
ed THAT, Mr.. Dean, is the magazine for
arms and powder for the security of the
city" "0hr' said Dean, pulling out his
pocket-book, "let me make an item of
that; this is worth remarking. My tab
let's as Plunket says, my tablets; men,
ory, put down that ON which he
penned the following lines, which were the
last he ever wrote:
BEHOLD proof of Irish sensei
Here Irish wit is seen;
Where nothings lefs that's worth defense,
We build a magazine.
And then put up his pocket-book. laugh
ing heartily at the conceit, and finishing
it with these words: "After the steed IS
stolen shut the stable door, He never
again spoke sensible word, so that these
lines may be said to be the last speech and
diving words of this wit.
At trial in the Rolls Court, Dublin,
when the celebrated John Philpot Curran
presided as Master, Mr.. Hope, an eminent
attorney, being employed as agent in a
certain Gauss, apologized 10 the Court for the
absence of Mr.. Joy, his counsel; requesting
that it would delay for few moments till
Mr.. Joy, who was engaged in another
Court, would return. Some time having
elapsed, the Judge (ATr. Curran) addressed
the bar. saying: Gentlemen, think We
had better proceed with the business of
the day, although
Hope told flattering tale
That JOY would soon return. -
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
No Union of church and State.

The Constitution has received the I'M
qualified praise of the best statesmen of
this country and of Europe as an instru-
ment by which the balance of power is
wonderfully preserved and all contingent
cies provided for with marvellous pres
cience. The omission complained of was
not an oversight or blunder, for while its
formation was fresh in the minds of the
people in 1896, under the administration
of Washington, the following provision
was made in the Treaty of Tripoli:
Gas the Government of the United
States is not in any sense founded on the
Christian religion; as it has in itself no
character Of enmity against the laws, re-
ligion or tranquility OF Mussulmans; and
as the said States never have entered into
any war or act of hostility against any
Mohammedan nation, it is declared by the
parties that no pretexts arising from re-
ligious opinions shall ever produce an in
terruption of the harmony existing be-
tween the two countries"
The American nation is Christian in
the broad sense of the word, which is
synonymous with civilization. 1t seeks
to establish JUSTICE promote the gen.
eral welfare" and Secure the blessings of
liberty 10 ourselves and our posterity;" to
guarantee equal rights to all. But such
were the broad and Catholic views of the
trainers of the Constitution that Christi
anity by name was not given preference
over any other Of the great religions Of the
world.
They recognized the rights and inAu-
ence of all religions, and ignored the mar
row selfshness of theologians who can as
little appreciate such liberal ideas as
moles the broad sunshine The Moham-
medan was to be respected in his belief
as much as the followers of Luther or
Calvin. The Stars and Stripes were
flung to the breeze from a staff fixed in
the firm basis OF equality, liberty and
justice, and all nations might come to its
protection, bringing their own beliefs, as
sured in the right of enjoyment to the
fullest extent compatible with the rights
Of others.
On this foundation the nation has grown
for hundred years, with separation of
Church and State, not as complete, how
ever, as the founders intended, without
protest until the present reaction Of the
'Reformers." They would so amend as to
"places the usages in our Government on
an undeniable legal basis" in the funda-
mental law of our nation, especially those
which secure a proper oath and which
protect society against blasphemy, Sabbath
breaking and polygamy. "The real mean
ing OF this ambiguous tautology simply is
that there should be constitutional recog-
nizanee of laws which compel the observ-
ance of Sunday by attendance at church,
and an official test oath that will exclude
all but church members from Office and
disfranchise them. 1t means theocracy,
form of government which sad expert
ence has taught to be the most cruel,
narrow, utterly immoral, extortionate and
tyrannical possible to impose on people.
Hudson Idttle, IN The Arena.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
ECCENTRTcsn IN HIGH LIFE.
Some Peculiarities of a Few of Europe's
oldest HCranks"
From the Pail Mall Gazette, ]

From the Pail Mall GazetteJ
To the Odyssey of Prince Joseph Sui
kofski, who was imprisoned in lunatic
asylum at Vienna, escaped to Switzerland,
and once again imprisoned in an asylum at
Brun, has now been added another chapter.
A board of medical men who have been
sitting on the eccentric Austr'a an million
aire have declared that he is perfectly sane,
and that what in his case has been pro-
nounced insanity was nothing but original
ity and eccentricity, and consequently his
Highness the Prince is once again at lib
erty and able to pursue the uneven tenor Of
his ways.
Apropos of Prince Sulkofski's release,
the Paris Figaro publishes an account of a
number of other eccentric personages in
European high life; among them King
Louis ii. of Bavaria naturally takes the
first place. Duke Theodore of Bavaria,
who has recently performed his thousandth
successful operation as an oculist, is men
toned as the one member of the Bavarian
house whose eccentricity is of useful and
laudable kind. His two august sisters, the
Empress of Austria and the Queen of Ma
piles, have also many traits in their char
acter which mark them at once as belong
ing to the eccentric Bavarian race.
In the Hohenzollern this particular
ISM has, ever since Frederick William I.
and Frederick the Great, shown itself in a
brutal and cynical trait. An exception TO
this rule is Prince Frederick, the owner of
the charming castle OF Rhenstein, on the
banks of the Rhine, who often shows visit
ors over his beautiful residence and ex-
plains the treasures of his museum of an
Equities.
But the best and most frequent speci-
mems of an eccentric nation hail from the
land of John Bull Among them is men
toned Cecil S. (the Figaro warily sup
presses the surDame), who, for many years
made Paris ring with stories of his wild
doings. Finally govt attacked him, and
he was doomed to perpetual confinement
at home. The ballet having always been
specially patronized by him, Mr.. S. started
a ballet in his own four walls, where he
kept an entire stage with all that belongs
to it, including costumes of every possible
variety. Five or six spectators were in
yited to the photographic spectacles, the
artists in which were paid with more than
prineely Eberality. Although Mr.. S.
could never set foot outside his house he
always retained his ten horses and four
carriages, which were regularly driven
about in the Bots and on the boulevards,
somewhat like the empty carriages seen
behind a hearse.
Russia, too, has always had her eccentric
representatives in Paris, but has now ac-
cepted the social law of France, according
to which, among the inhabitants of the
most revolutionary country in Europe, it
is considered extremely iil-bred to show
any eecentricity. The first Russian of the
old school who made Paris the scene of his
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
TWO KINDS on pREAcH1NG.
An Old Clergyman Tells Some Whole
some Truths.
IFrom the New York Tribune.l

FROM the New York Tribune.
| | was talking the other day with a
rugged old clergyman who has never al
lowed the sharp angles of his creed to be
rubbed off by the modern spirit of religious
estheticism. 81 suppose am all wrong"
he said, ''but | can't fall into the new
tangled methods of preaching that are so
popular now. In my day the preachers
didn't spend all their time in dissecting
the Christian religion in their pulpits !;
they just took 1t for granted, and preached
1t as strongly as they knew how. But
nowadays there is tone of uneasy doubt
running through g great deal of our preach
ing that can do no good and must do a
great deal of harm. 1t is as if the preacher
should get up and say, Brethren, there is
good deal to be said for and against
Christianity. Between you and me, I
think we shall have to give up good
many of our old beliefs, for these scientific
men are terribly strong. l don't know
how it's all going to end, but humbly
suggest to you on the whole we had better
hang on to our religion as long as possible.
And may be we can revise it and patch it
up so that 1t won't seem so absurd to the
men Of science Now, how do you sup
pose such preaching is going to have any
effect on the world? The very idea is alb
surd."
"And then," continued the old gentle
man, $50 many of our modern preachers
lue almost entirely in the superfcialties of
religion. l don't impugn either their
earnestness or devotion, but they are earn
est and devoted about mint, anise and cum
min. | can imagine such a man at the
last day thus giving an account of his
stewardship: Lord, have done ali that |
could in the parishes of which | was pastor
/ was Jealous in putting in artistic, early
English, stained glass windows. l so
preached and labored that nearly all the
pews were rented at a high figure.
worked hard to raise the standard of music
| made the church entertainments so in
teresting that all the socially desirable peo-
pie came to them. | attracted many veal
thy people to my churches, and so in
creased their revenues, and in all my career
l never said anything that could expose
me to the charge Of unorthodoxy.' Of
course you think this is caricature, and
may be you won't print it. But it is the
honest opinion of an old man who was
taught to think much of the realities of
religion, and who, perhaps, doesn't appre-
ciate as he ought the new methods that
obtain to-day. Just give it as the opinion
of an old fogy whose course is nearly
ended, and who will be only too glad to
learn that he is utterly mistaken in his
views
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28

exploits was NJ. Dimitri D., whose fame
was acquired chiefly by his marvellous ca
pacity for drinking champagne. In graft
tude to the bottles out of which had come
the chief enjoyment of his life, he collected
the lead papers with which the corks of
champagne bottles are covered, and out of
those which he and his friends had con-
sumed a lead coffin was made in which the
Russian was carried to his grave.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
That Was Different.

"Can II have a word with you in pri-
vate ?" stammered the young man, as he
stood at the door of the private office.
"Come in p replied the head of the firm.
"Now, what is it?'
"You are aware of the fact that Il
"That you have been with this house for
four years. Yes, sir; am aware of that
fact. Want 10 leave"
"Oh, no"
Didn't know but you had had better
offer. If so, you can 60"
That's not ii, sir"
ooh, it isn't Want an increase of
salary, do you? Well, you won't get it.
We are now paying you all you are worth,
and little more"
at isn't that, sir"
at isn't? Then what are you driving
at?"
Il want your daughter, Molly"
"Humph That's different. Go and
take her, and be-hanged to you! 1
thought you were fishing for raise of
salary"
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28

Foxes increase so rapidly in several dis
tricts Of Australia that they are nearly as
great pest as the rabbit.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
New South Wales is about to make son

New South Wales is about to make some
extensive and important experiments by
sinking artesian wells. Drought is the
great plague of Australia, and the dark
spot in its future has been the fear that,
owing to the scarcity of water, the land
could never support large population.
But, according to the experts, it has now
been discovered that there are several riv-
ers flowing under the surface of New South
Wales, and if this water can be struck
and then stored the whole face and future
Of Australia will be changed.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28

No CHRISTMAS and New Tears table
should be without bottle Of Angosturs
Bitters, the world-renowned appetizer, of
exquisite flavor. Beware Of counterfeits.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28

For weak back. chest pains, use DR.. J..
II. McLean's wonderful healing plaster
(porous).
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
The FINEST WH1sKEY FOB THE HOLIDAYS IS
LIKDLEY & co.'s GOLD RIBBON. Sptf
HOLIDAY PRESENTS.

A ARoN NATHAN, 2e5 X STRICT, HAS
n just received a fine assortment of the lead
ing brands of imported cigars and meersch sum
pipes and holders specially for the holiday
trade. d3-lm3p
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
Borax Water for the Hands.

Borax water viii instantly remove all
soils and stains from the hands, and heal
all scratches and chafes. To make it,
put crude borax into bottle and fill
it with hot water. When the borax
is dissolved, add more to the water,
until at last the hot water can absorb
no more, and a residuum remains at the bot
tom of the bottle. To the water in which
the hands are to be washed, pour from this
bottle to make it very soft. 1t is very
cleansing, and by lis use the hands viii be
kept in excellent condition.-uaii and Err
press.
The largest infant ever born in Connec-
ticut was that of Mrs. Lewis Duke, OF
Meriden, which weighed % pounds at its
birth. 1t was born about week ago and
lived only few moments. Physicians say
IL was phenomenal babe.
To COUNTERFEIT the desire for strong
drink take Simmons Liver Regulator
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28
SO BUy9 "A CoRD

Of STOVE FOOD, Or A TON OF COAL
- for 6. Get your winters supply now II
the G. o. D. Yard, Fourth and streets,
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-12-28

To COUNTERFEIT the desire for strong
drink take Simmons Liver Regulator.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-04-25

only to a mediatized family, and
who holds the rank of Admiral in the
English Navy. is married morganatical-
" to Miss Seymour. who is known as
the Countess of Gleichen. One of
the SONS of this union. a young Count
Victor Gleichen, was recently in New
York.
The only American girls who have
contracted morganatic alliances are
Miss Lea, of New York, now the
Countess of Waldersee, but who on
her marriage with the late Prince
Frederick of Schleswig- Holstein re-
the title of Princess of Norr, and Miss
Elise Hensler. of Boston, an actress,
who, on becoming in 1869 the wife of
the late King Consort of Portugal,
was created Countess of Edla-
Among the sovereigns who have con-
tracted morganatic marriages are the
late King Victor Emmanuel of Italy,
who gave his left hand at the altar to
the notorious Rosina. subsequently
created Countess of Mirafori; the late
Gar, who married the Princess Dol
gorouki and conferred upon her at the
time the title of Princess Turieffsky;
the late King of Portugal, whose name
has already been mentioned above,
and the reigning Grand Duke of Sake
Meiningen, who is married to an act
ress of the name of Helene Franz,
created Baroness Heldburg. The late
Frederick William LII. of Prussia con-
the Countess of Harrack when he con-
tracted a morganatic marriage with
her, and the late Queen Christina of
Spain elevated simple soldier of
humble origin into Duke of Rianceres
when she married him in 1850.-Brus-
sells Cor N. Y. Tribune.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-04-25
CURING NEURALGIA.

The Singing OF q Wasp il Said to BE an
EficacfOus Remedy.
Having read with much interest the
item concerning DIR. Terc and his new
cure for rheumatism, the writer wishes
to offer the following account of a
somewhat remarkable verification of
the theory in question. It occurred in
New Jersey, near Paterson. about
twenty years ago, and the writer is
able to Vouch for the truth of every
detail:
An Irish girl, employed as cook in a
well-knOwn family there. had been
troubled with neuralgia for some time,
and at last it grew SO severe that she
became almost frantic with pain. actu-
ally knocking her head against the wall
in the hope of inducing insensibility.
Then her employer, who had
heard that the sting of a
wasp or a bee had been used by some
Southern physician with the best re-
suits in similar cases, asked the poor
girl if she felt willing to have such an
experiment tried on her face. She
consented at once. probably with a
SOOA ofSO COAA VI 0OSP6ATs t1uO d wasp,
torpid from the winters cold. was pro-
cured from rafter in the attic.
After being we'll warmed by the
kitchen fire the wasp was easily pro-
voked to sting the sufferer, and was
applied Just where the pain was most
intolerable. Within a few moments
there was sensible diminution of
pain, and when half an hour had passed
the patient fell asleep and did not wake
for several hours.
But the most important fact of all is
that there was never any recurrence
of neuralgia in the case. though the
woman remained for many months
thereafter In the service of the same
employer. and had been subject to the
disease for years.-Cor. N. Y. Sun.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-04-25
HOME AND FARM.

Corn should be ground in the ears
Il is better than to shell it and feed
the COW separately.-N. 7. Independ-
ent
Beans or potatoes are the best
crops for an orchard. Among sowed
crops. peas and buckwheat are best
Fertilize the orchard well if you seed
it down.-Farm Journal
1t is we'll to read and study over
what professors and chemists say about
stock food But you had better have g.
little practical sense yourself. and feed
prudeutly what you can raise on the
farm.-Iowa State Register.
Scotch Pudding: Two cupfuls of
sugar, one cupful of sour cream, three
cupfuls of flour. three eggs, one cupfu1
of seeded raisins, one teaspoonful of
soda Bake in a loaf.-Good House
keeping.
"A hawk usually alights before at
tempting to catch a chick in order to
make observation. Fasten a steel tran
on a tall pole, and the chances are that
the hawk will alight thereon and be
caught.
Stock should not, except in case OF
a good growth of blue grass. be turned
on to the new grass too early in spring.
They should be kept on a part ration
of grain for some time after the graz
ing begins Some good hay is in place
at all times.-Orange Judd Farmer.
Fruit growers should learn the
popular names of insects. study their
habits and know how to cope with
them. Among the best insecticides arg
Paris green. London purple. hellebore,
kerosene, tobacco, coal tar. carbonic
acid.
Every farmer should experiment
for himself. Because farmer Brown
raises 125 bushels of shelled corn per
acre, it is not wise for farmer Green
to assume that he can do the same by
the same methods. Different soils,
seed, climate, and manure are to he
considered. New Yorker
-Parsnip Stew: Three slices of salt
pork boiled one hour and a half;
scrape five large parsnips, cut in
quarters lengthwise. add to the pork,
and let boil one-half hour. then add a
few potatoes. and let all boil together
in the kettle should be about cupful
when ready to take off.
"A boy plowed up jar containing
$44 dollars in gold and silver coin near
jackson, Tenn, recently. 1t is sup
posed to have been buried during the
war and the shallow system of plow-
ing since has failed to turn it up until
this boy let the point run down little
deeper than usual. There is more gold
and silver in deep blowing than that
boy developed.
An Illinois fruit-grower is said to
have forwarded the apple productio1
| of young orchard very much by
planting only 16 feet apart. requiring
four times the usual number OF
trees. The redundant ones are girdled
when large enough to bear; this both
checks their growth and hastens fruit
fulness, and they give good return
of extra fine specimens before 1t be-
| comes necessary to remove them out
of the way of the large permanent
trees, then only beginning their yield.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-04-25

family. The Empress Frederick may
be next the Queen. Make q deep
curtsey to her. and shorter one to
distance from the Queen. The regula-
ton number of curtseys is six. That is
what / train my pupils for. Having
finished saluting each member of the
royal family you back out swiftly-stil
with a gliding motion, to allow the
other ladies to come up. This back
ing out is really succession Of curt
seys with first the right foot and then
the left foot forward. You kick your
skirts away all the time.
81 see all my pupils in their full
dress" said Madame, Ito give them
the finishing directions. keep trains
here four yards long for practice Les
sons are almost required if you go to
the state ball Debutantes are often
invited. The only formality to be re-
membered in the drawing-room is the
mode of carrying your ticket This
must be carried in the left hand. with
your right-hand glove between the
fourth and little finger. Ladies are
also permitted to carry handkerchiefs,
but it is not advisable. You give up
your ticket, as the Lord Chamberlain
announces your name, and then you
advance up the room to the Queen"
do you get many American pu-
pils?" asked.
Eyes, I had several last year. They
were very agreeable young ladies. too.
Some English people think that Ameri-
can women are TOO go-ahead to be as
decorous as good taste demands But
l can not say that. think Americans,
with all their curiosity and their read
mess to plunge into any conversation.
are animated not SO much by desire
to be forward in evidence as by a live
]ier intelligence and animation than
the English. have had some English
heiresses to teach; and oh! they are so
stupid when they come fresh from the
country to make their first appearance
in society. Pail Mall Gazette.