The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-04-11
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
HIS FIRST ATTEMPT.


HIS FIRST ATTEMPT.
the New England Magazine, November,
1891.
The aim of the warriors ambition is
10 govern; of the philosophers, to dog
Matte. The first has accomplished his
object when his power is undisputed;
the second, when his opinions are held
Aered. l trust, my opinions are held
sacred at the breakfast table of my re-
Spected landlady, who has requested me
% save her the expense of an advertise
AaOnt, by stating in thi place, that she
will be happy to accommodate two more
boarders on reasonable terms. That it
has cost me some pains to accomplish
this mental infallibility, l do not deny.
l have awarded the name of cherub to
two infants respectively, neither OF
whose outward features were laudable,
and one of whom was almost lusus.
have looked unmoved upon the plate OF
smoking rolls, which has now and then
bTeathed up its soft aroma amidst the
rank and file of toasted lamine around
10, like love in a desert, under the false
pretext Of dyspepsia, always remember
ing TO give my stomach little some
thing IN private to atone for the insult
ing imputatiou. have sacrificed my
personal vanity to my effective weight
Of character, as men clip the feathers OF
Q game cock to fit him for action. All
this aud much more have done, and in
this manner have gained the enviable
privilege of asserting without contradic-
don, and deciding without argument.
In cutting out my extracts from the col
Hnns Of domestic life, may perhaps
now and then include little irrelevant
matter, as one sometimes finds, in a
lady's scrap book, the poets fount and
the Krocer's advertisement included in
the same excision.
The remarks. which follow, were ut
tered vt different times, and in very diff.
ferent manners. 1t is my rule, when
asserting truism, not to waste my
vocal energies, but to reserve them, as
veil as the more earnest kinds of gestic-
ulatiou, to carry down that which con-
slider false or doubtful.
Truth, if may use the language OF
the pugilist, can step up to the scratch,
witchout hacker; but her half sister,
Feasibility, requires a stout bottle
holder.
Somebody was rlgmaroling tie other
morning, about the artificial distinctions
OF society.
Madam, said l, society is the same in
large places. divide it thus.
/. People of cultivation, who live in
large houses.
3. People of cultivation, who live in
smsll houses.
8. People without cultivation, who
live in large houses.
4. People without cultivation, who
live in small house.
0. Scrubs.
An individual, at the upper end of the
table, turned pale and left the room, as
| finished with the monosy liable.
Excuse my indelicacy: but whenever
I see johnny-cake without consistency,
and butter without flavor, am remind
ed OF poultice and simple cerate.
Apparently considered barbarous by
the feminines.
love the magnificent. An antedilu-
Wan tragedy wrote some years ago,
opened with the following scenery /:
Hill behind Boston. A crimson sun
set forming the back ground. A ring
tailed mammoth seen leaping along
from one to the other. The manager
informed me that ringtailed mammoths
were procured with difficulty, but per-
hsps something might be done with the
great OK Columbus.
Every individual character is centre,
determined by converging attributes. II
10 were not troublesome and thankless
effice to scrutinize a mans nature too
nicely, should love to have each of my
species submitted to few tests like the
following, before admitting him into
society
Kick him, to see If he will show fight.
Request the immediate loan of seven
and sixpence.
Tell him his talents are rather of the
solid than the brilliant order.
Observe that externals are nf little
consequence, with evident allusion to
bis personal appearance.
Talk him down in the presence OF sew
eral young ladies.
There are some men that have only
soul enough to keep their bodies from
decomposition,
make very excellent fables occasion
ally. This. being a little outrageous,
vas articulated in low key, very slow,
with pretty considerable blow on the
table.
Once on time, notion was started,
that if ell the people in the world would
shout at once, it might be heard in the
moon. So the projectors agreed it
should be done IN just ten years. Some
thousand ship loads of chronometers
were distributed to the selectmen and
other great folks of all the different ma
tions. For year beforehand, nothing
else was talked about, but the awful
noise that was to be made on the great
occasion. When the time came, every
body had their ears so wide open, to
hear the universal ejaculation of Boo
the word agreed upon-that nobody
spoke, except deaf man in one of the
Fejee Islands, and a woman in Pekin, 80
that the world was never so still since
the creation. l was requested to give
the moral Of my fable. 1t is too obvious,
observed, to need explanation. The
inquirer looked very indefinitely.
Ny forte in literary matters rests
chiefly 10 prose and poetry. These two
pleasing verses were made while sailing
up the Delaware
roLLLDY WITH HER bACK TO ME.
/ know thy face is fresh and bright,
Thou angel moulded girl;
Icaught one glimpse OF purest white,
saw one auburn curl.
would the whispering ripples breathe
The thoughts that vanly strive
She turns-she turns to look on me;
Black cross-eyed seventy-hve!
How much easier 1t is to be witty on
some old, backneyed subjects, than to
find out the ridiculous for ones self. II
l had been a married man, regard Tor
my personal safety would have saved the
world two epigrams.
TO FAME,
They say thou hast hundred tongues;
Ny wife has only one;
II she had been equipped like thee,
o, what should have done
THE ECHO.
Nay, dearest stranger, do not shout;
Ny wife has worn the Echo out
Nothing can be more delightful than
70 listen to a person laboring through a
string of absurdities, in order TO prove
an axiom.
II Theseus should come back and take
A walk over West Boston bridge, he
would return into town swinging the
heads of both the toll-keepers, raise q
mob in Washington street. and congrat-
ulate them on being rid of two tyranni-
cal extortioners.
The laughable and the pathethic are
sometimes strangely mingled in little
exhibitions OF domestic economy. A
plate OF apples, for instance, with the
detective parts cut out for the children.