Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-01-13
THE TOPICAL TALKER.
Why Mr.. Laffenbnch VIII Not Put Much In
the Collection Plate This Year.

Why Mr.. Laffenbnch VIII Not Put Much Il
the Collection Plate This Year.
"Hand me the Bible, Susan" said the pro
prietor of the Railway Hotel in our tow
Saturday night week ago to his wife. The,
were sitting in their small parlor between th'
bar and the kitchen; and when Mr.. Laffenbacf
called for the sacred book his wife quietl,
arose and going to the sideboard on which 6
silver teapot lorded it over some plated tank
ards, pitcher and a waiting salver, drew out
from drawer large volume which notwith
standing that its black leather covers were
worn with use. was undoubtedly Bible. Il
anyone had doubted the title of the book, he
might have read on its first page in florid and
not very easily deciphered capitals the abso
lutte proofs
1t would be very pleasant to picture the stout
and jolly hotelkeeper coming up from the
cellar where he had been tapping new barrel
of beer for the evening trade, to set down in
his parlor to read a chapter of the Good Book.
But the picture would lack the essential ele.
ment of truth.
Mr.. Laffenbach took the big volume from his
wite's hands and, resting it on his knee, pro-
ceeded to extract from between its gold
edged pages sheets of memoranda. bills and re-
ceipts. When he had taken out perhaps score
of these documents, he closed the Bible with an
irreverent slam and then put it away in the
drawer of the sideboard. With a small piece
| of lead encil and sheet of white paper Mr..
Laffenbach proceeded to compose the weekly
balance sheet.
Nobody but MIR. Laffenbach understood the
use or convenience of this balance sheet, but
every Saturday night it was made. Mrs. Laf-
fenbach would have been seriously alarmed
had her husband allowed Saturday evening
| to pass without taking out the big Bible and
| figuring up the results of the weeks trade. 1t
is rather unfortunate that Mr.. Laffenbach is
not good arithmetician. He confesses that
to this very day that the multiplicati table is
not on good terms with him, which is not hard
to understand when the bill he rendered to
| Chief the other day contained this queerly cal
eulated item:
To dozen Beer q 81 00................s3 so.
When Chief asked Mr.. Laffenbach how three
times one could make three and a half, the
latter replied that he supposed he had been
under the impression, in making out the bill,
that it was for Abel Swartzman.
1t is q curious fact that this Abel Swartzman
is suffering from partial paralysis, which has
caused his mental faculties to fail.
HaE
In the customary course of events it was
usual for Mr.. Laffenbach to spend half an hour
arranging the balance sheet and then about
two or three hours, usually till the hotel closed
at 10 o'clock in fact, finding out what its gen.
eral meaning might be. As rule the sheet
showed that Mr.. Laffenbach was on the verge
of bankruptcy-this was sure to be the story
the figures told when the weeks business had
been unusually profitable.
Last Saturday night, however, after Mr..
Laffenbach had covered no less than three half
of ofa and m 0f
all the first page of the Public Defender with
marvellous and may columns of figures he
came to the extraordinary conclusion that he
was actually what sporting men would term "a
winner on the week"
For wonder the statement Mr.. Laffenbach
had arranged was fairly clear and comprehen-
si5le even to himself So he did not as gener-
ally he did, call in half dozen neighbors to
extricate him from the web of his applied math-
ematics
Instead, he put the balance sheet into the big
Bible and asked his wife, who had retired for
the night, to throw down his bank book over
the banisters. This she did, and Mr.. Laffen-
bach, with two of his Oldest friends, namely,
Chief and MIR. Goodblood, drew up their chairs
about the parlor fire. The bar was closed and
the hotel only open to such passengers as might
break the record and leave the express from
the East to stay over in our town on a Saturday
night
Mr.. LAFFENBACH would have been very
much offended if Chief had not asked as soon
as the first glass of steaming whisky punch had
disappeared: "Well landlord, how's business
been this week?'
The question was q time-honored part of the
Saturday evening ceremonies. 1t was some
thing like the "Fine weather, your honor r'
that District Attorney Porter throws to the
Judge on a second morning of a murder trial
Mr.. Laffenbach chuckled softly and slapped
his bank book. Then he opened the book and
wrote In pencil the total of cash that had been
taken during the week, as stated in the balance
sheet. There was silence for a moment as Mr.
Laffenbach's pencil slowly travelled up the page
of the bank book, then down again, then up
and down thrice more Mr.. Laffenbach
chuckled again when he had completed the
operation.
Mine friends" said he. "fill up your glasses
and drink NIT me-der pissness is grader dan
eferr'
They did drink with Mr.. Laffenbach, in fact
they kept on drinking with him till Mrs. Laf-
fenbach asked in a rather chilly way from the
top of the stairs if she was to be allowed to
sleep at all on the Sabbath morning
*x=
THE next morning Mr.. Laffenbach went to
church as is his won't Before he went he took
out his balance sheet, all the memoranda in
the Bibles custody, and the bank book, and
spent half an hour figuring out his financial
condition.
He was pleased at what he found; but even
more astonished than pleased. 1t was no won
der that he marveled, for repeated footings up
of his bank account had resulted in the dis
covery that he was nearly $1,000 richer than he
had thought himself to be.
To- 4l,ao oo11o 70 dob
blood deposited in the hands of his pastor
and Mr. Laffenbach that morning was found
a 500 bill. Such a contribution had never been
seen in our church before. The pastor made
inquiries, and finding that Mr.. Laffenbach was
the generous donor, thanked him by name
at the evening service.
Consequently Mr.. LaffeGbach was a proud
man last Sunday night.
50
But he wasn't so proud when he returned
from the bank on Monday morning.
The cashier, you see called Mr.. Laffenbach's
attention to the fact that he had overdrawn his
account SO. Then Mr.. Laffenbach produced
his bank book and laughingly asked the cashier
to correct his books from that. The cashier
took the bank book, checked off the amounts
and returned it to Mr.. Laffenbach with the re-
mark that there was no mistake about the over
draft.
Mr.. Laffenbach footed up the column and
gave the cashier the total as he found it. The
cashier scribbled for minute on pad, and
said: You are just ST. $50 out of the way: let
me look at the book!'
The cashier laughed as he observed that Mr. |
Laffenbach had for his own convenience |
written the figures 1889 at the head of his ac- |
count for January, and then included them in |
the total of the credit side of his book.
Mr.. Laffenbach didn't laugh. His contribu- |
tions to the support of the church are likely to |
be very, very small for the rest of 1889.
HEPBURN JOHNS.
SHOWER OE DTaMONDS