Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-10-27
ALLEGED WITTICISMS.

Like many young man, nature begins
her fall by painting things red.
The butcher should be careful man.
He always has a great deal at steak.
The baker makes more bread than any
body else, but he never has all he kneads.
A laundress is something like heavy
sea. She is always MASKING things over
board.
The country now has six months in
which to discuss next seasons baseball
games.
We may not be able to establish COM
plete pedigree .or champagne, but we know
it has grand pop.
One of the very few trusts that fail to
hang together is the umbrella trust. Every
body has grown suspicious.
Connecticut decides that cold water is
poor drink, even with a little grated
wooden nutmeg sprinkled on it.
A lot of useless politicians are after the
SUPPLEMENTARY of the Mint. They
think they can make money there.
He-Wh are you reading, dear? His
wife-The ! est society novel. Pm just
glancing thredgh to see if it is fit for you
10 read, dear.
Fruits are so nice nowadays it is hard to
believe they ever ate each other. But we
are told that the first apple was eaten by
the first pair.
The man who feels around in the dark
for door, and gets an arm on each side of
it, occupies the time of a recording angel
for fully five minutes.
"At the party last night / was the only
upper-ten lady present, and had to sit all
alone by myself" said Mrs. Touchmenot.
''Dear me, how bored you must have been, y
said Mrs. Psalm.
Watermelon seeds were found in an
Egyptian tomb that was 5000 years old.
There was no doubt about their being
watermelon seeds, because the mummy
was all doubled up.
| johnson defined music as the least dis
agreeable of noises. 1t is very plain that
johnson never heard one of the bands
| which go about the streets in wagons to
advertise horse trots and baseball games.
Travelling man Cat country hotel)-"Sir,
/ can | get drink here% Landlord
"Why, certainly there is the pump out in
the back yard" Travelling man-"Pump,
the deuce! Do you think want bath?''
Her cheek turned pale,
| Of red beret.
| It was indeed no Jest;
| Her cheek turned pale
| Because she'd left
It's color on his vest.
| A thin Brooklyn man sent twenty-five
cents to an advertiser, who promised, for
| that sum, to impart reliable information
how to get fat, and received this mes
sage on a postal card: "Buy it at the
butchers"
| Judge Ito oficer)-"How do you know
| that the prisoner was drunk ?" Officer
NWell, I'll tell We, Judge. He tiliphoned
me on Wednesday that he wos drunk, an
his breth was so strong that it was Sunday
before | wis sober 'nough to 90 fur him.
| American Commercial Irauelier.
| Julius Jefferson lat Thompson-street
soiree) -"Does yo' believe, Mr.. Speaker, in
ebolution?" The Speaker docking around
upon the assembled company)-"Well. er
-ya'as Mr.. Jefferson, i kinder does blieve
in ebolution; at least my mind is opinion
ated in that direckshun somewhat; but
dom vo' think dat it moves very slow?"-
Life.
/ Old Lover-"I know | am old enough to
be your grandfather, but, my darling,
have an immense fortune to bestow upon
YOU" Young Heart-"I hesitate to an.
swer.n Old Lover-@Do not keep me in
suspense. l have heart disease, and under
excitement am likely to die at any mo-
ment.D Young Heart-"Then | will be
yours Omaha World.
! First old lady" Conductor, raise thi;
window; / shall smother to DEATH
Second ditto-"Conductor, lower this win
dow, or I'll freeze to deathp' First o
| L. again" Conductor, will you raise
-" Irate passenger (interruptiHg11 J
"Conductor, hoist that window and freezt
one of those old women to death ther
lower it and smother the other onew 81
lence in the Car.
At village school precocious boy
being asked to parse the sentence, Mary
milk the cow" went on accurately till h,
came to the last word, when he said
Cow is pronoun, feminine gender, third
person singular, and stands for Mary
''Stands for Marv?' asked the master il
establishment. Yes, sir" responded th'
urchin, with a grin; for if the Gov
didn't stand for Mary, how could Mari
II