Waterbury evening Democrat., 1889-01-19
BLUNDERS AT THE ALTAR.
AMUSING HAPPENINGS AT THE MAR
 RACE SERVICE.

A Preacher Relates His Experience-The
 Ceremony from First to Last Is Full of
 Pitfalls for the Untrained The Old
 Folks Made n Mistake.
 Some ludicrous errox's committed by agi- tated and absent minded pairs as they stood before the altar are related by preacher in Chambers Journal
 Timothy Duggan was stevedore, perhaps six feet two in height and proportionately broad He appeared as bridegroom; the bride was a charming young person of tender years All went well until the moment came for Timothy and his bride to give their troth to each other in the prescribed manner.
 "Say after me-" said to Timothy, II. Timothyn-
 There was no response.
 Say after me-" repeated the parson, "I, Tmothyn-
 Timothy was still silent, puzzled look creeping over his broad face.
 Say after me" said I for the third time, with, perhaps, a shade of annoyance.
 After you, sir" responded Timothy, with the politest possible duck of his bullet head But this indifference to the rubrio is so great that upon the injunction, "Place the ring on the third finger,"I have more than once seen the bridegroom clap it upon the third finger of his own hand with all the com placency in the world. Once I detected a bridegroom endeavoring to force the ring on- to the brides thumb; but there was just sus- picion that he had been making merry before coming to church that morning. The same excuse could not be offered for bridegroom from whom l could get no word of response. not even sulky ''I will" The situation was becoming most embarrassing, when the soli- farv hTi1pnaiS-hiSSi oil ''E's little 'ard of caring, sir" The man was stone deaf; yet they had not thought it necessary to tell the parson. If the bride l groom understood not word of the service, what did it matters
 TWISTING THE RESPONSES But the marriage service from first to last Is full of pitfalls for the unlearued man. In some cases it becomes painfully clear that the contracting parties recognize but few of the words they ere bidden to say, and merely i'm itate the sound with such accuracy as their imperfect knowledge will permit The words ''to have and to hold" ought to be simple enough but, us matter of fact, they are the subjects of some astounding blunders I re- member one bridegroom who had brought very charming young bride to church, and perhaps regarded her as thing of beauty to be tn his home joy forever, rendering ''to have and to hold" as ito have and behold, d,n Another, who possibly had some cause to dread tho fate of MT. Caudle, struck out an entirely new version, and faithfully promised ito have and to be told" "To love and to cherish' is another frightful stumbling block. ''To love and be cherries" was the nearest to the original of many variations popular among the males of that parish. The brides were happy with the familiar rendering, ''tc love cherries and to bay" Gods holy ordi- nance" tripped up many. "Holy orders" was convenient, and perhaps conveyed the most meaning. Plight thee my troth" and 'give thee my troth" were, I imagine, words of foreign sound, and I we'll remember one young person, who was wedding a most viii lainous looking fellow, changing her senti- ment into thereto l give thee my throat" There was, perhaps, an unconscious prophecy wrapped up in that promise.
 Tho words accompanying the delivery of the ring are, as everybody knows, the subject of some characteristic blunders. I never heard some of the more elaborate distortions credited to countrymen, but our people nobly distinguished themselves over the clause with all my worldly goods I thee endow." They never blundered so aptly as the fortune hunter who, in wedding an heires, unwit- tingly said, with all my goodly words thee endow;" they were content to produce a similar sound with sublime indifference to sense II thee and thou," II thee do bow" "I thee allow" were the most popular of these versions
 A CLOSE CALL FOR BIGAMY. But nothing more clearly indicates the utter lack of intelligence with which some of the poor regard the service of the church than the fact that once upon time I came upon a youthful curate solemnly and devoutly marrying the father of bridegroom to the mother of his bride in the presence of their own proper partners. The discovery was brought about in this way. It was Christmas morning, a great time for weddings, since Boxing day then remained for the honey moon. Seven or eight couples had given | notice, and the congregation was large. the veshy another married them in succession with such expedition as a slight stutter would permit. The old parish clerk, with his list of names, called up the high contracting parties as the l turn of each came. superintended the whole proceedings. In the vestry were two young people being registered, whose names were, let us say, Jones and Smith. Coming around to the chancel again one was little surprised to find tho old clerk inquiring among the congregation for Mr. Smith and Mrs. or Miss Jones' When next looked in his direction he had brought up to the chan
 
 1 and dressed in a sleeved waistcoat. The bride was q broad, comedy woman, whose turned up sleeves left bare two monstrous crimson arms. Oppressed by an uncomfort- | able suspicion I hurried to the vestry, and | there found the young people, Jones and Smith, just paying the fees. ''Is your father here" said to the bride groom.
 "Yes, sir"
 "Is your mother herer'-to the bride "Yes, sir"
 "Now," said to Jones the younger, Hook through this door and tell me if that is your father being married there." "Well, sir," returned Jones, after a leis- urely inspection, ''he's having it read over to him"
 "Is your mother alive?"
 "She's in church."
 | It was the work of an instant to rush around and stop the service. But when the people were dragged asunder, Jones, the elder, in reply to an indignant inquiry as to what he meant by 1t, cooly replied: 'sWell, be-" Indicating the penitent clerk with jerk ! of his grimy thumb The told us to come | this way" That couple had been charged by