Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-08-24

ALWAYS PRESENTABlE.
De B.--FIxE OLD WOMAN, THAT MADAME
REeIxE"
CoNsTANT-"ASo INVARIABLY so GENTLE
MANLY"
De b" YoU'v2 GOT NE"
CONSTANT" KEEPS HER BEARD SO WELL
TRIMMED, YoU KNOW
You can never get into the good graces
Of young woman by watching her get
out of hammock.-Lje.
''Yes," said the literary man, with a
sigh, style is fine thing for writer to
have; but when his wife has got it, too, it
takes all the profit away"
Eyes, indeed said the lady. Then she
raised the window and shouted to her lit
tie boy: Johnnie, if you don't come out
of that mud puddle will break your
back ~
At the jeweler's-"But, Max, don't you
think it extravagant to give $500 for a
diamond to wear on my hand?" Not at
all, my dear; you don't consider how
much l shall save on your gloves"
Observation-Disclosures kind of trimmings
will you have on the casket~ Widow
None whatever. A plain casket. 1t was
trimmins that killed him." Undertaken
What" Widow-''Yes; delirium trim
Minis"
Mrs. Jaggs GAM )-"Where have you
been, John {" Mr.. Jaggs-"Barshing m
books" ''AIrs. Jaggs-"Well, if you've
found any balance tonight, John, you GER
tainiy haven't brought it home with you"
Puck
Complimentary-Charlie (who has been
blowing the cornet for an hour
Say, Ned, do you think there is any
music in me?" Ned-"I don't know
there ought to be; didn't hear any come
out Thine
"What is your favorite watering place,
Mr.. Chawkem| asked the loquacious
member of the party; and the milkman
(foI it was he) blushed crimson and
straightway closed the topic of discussion.
Boston Transcript
Bessie-"I met Miss Shapely out shop
ping to-day, and l never before realized
what loud voice she has" Jennie
" But you must remember, my dear, that
she was asking for a new pair of No.
shoes."-Hape5'S Bazar.
A little chap was very much afraid of
thunder storms, and one night, while pray
ing at his mothers knee, being somewhat
fearful of an approaching storm, he said
please send US only plain rain this time,
if it will do just as we'll"
Lay not, my son, your Albert coat,
Where greedy moths are gray and frisky,
Nor put your trust in any Trust
OF sugar, skewers, lead or whisky,
For moths will gnaw where'er they settle,
And Trusts corrode the brightest metal
Puck.
Johnny" SAID the farmer to lad who
had arrived with the summer boarders and
who was watching him turn the grindstone,
kin you read?' Yes, sir" "And
writer eyes, sir" "And spell? ?" Eyes,
SIR. well, spose We jest spell me little
while at this grim stone while go and
feed the cows
Eastern man getting a glimpse of St.
Louis from the car windows My gra-
cious What hive of industry this must
be" Fellow traveller ian Illinois mani
"Eh What-industry ?" Eyes. Look
at the dense clouds of smoke in every di-
rection." ooh! That blows down from
Chicago. Neg York Weekly.
~ think" SAID a minister who was
visiting parishioner, that it is easier to
coax children than to drive them. Gentle
words are more effective than harsh ones.
You know what the poet says:
speak gently, it is better far
To rule by love than fear "
A sarcastic lawyer, during the trial of
case, made use of the expression, Cast not
your pearls before swine" Subsequently,
as he arose to make the argument the
Judge facetiously remarked: "Be careful.
Mr.. s., not to cast your pearls before
swine" Don't be alarmed, your Honor, |
am about to address the jury, not the
Court"
''What was it." asked the Sunday-school
teacher, 'that first caused the downfall of
man" THE forbidden fruit" replied the
class in concert. That's right And now
what kind of fruit was it? ' There was
silent pause, and then the offspring of
newspaper funny man Ioke up: II don't
know what it was then, but it's chestnut
now. "-Merchant Irdceier.
Howell Gibbon-'Now, you cahn't say,
me deah boy, that we have MT an uncom-
mon fine lot of handsome women in New
York" Capt. Powderly, U. S. A. (the
distinguished Indian fighter, on his first
visit to the city in ten years. .-"No, in
deed They have brought the art of
making-up to such perfection that girls of
eighteen have every appearance of being
exceedingly well preserved. Puck.
A lytetn creme appel hung bye on bough,
Itt danppId and bOhhad in tho hreeze
A badd lyttell boy came along, but somehow
He failed to locke up in the trees.
Now, wasn't hys heedlesSnesse cruelty wrong
As naughty as naughty can bee?
This poem, you see, might have been twice as
long
Badd he stopt and lookt up in the tree.
Washington Critic
"My dear, an estimate here in the paper
declares that if man were relatively as
strong as a beetle he could lift l9S,000
pounds" as that so % remarked Mrs
Bromley, as she dropped her left eyelid,
"Pll look for beetle in the morning.
"Why, dearW maybe he'll carry the
stove into the summer kitchen. I've
asked you about dozen times to do it."
"Yes, sir" said the old actor, II have
had my triumphs on the stage. | remem-
Der way back in the forties there was a
crowded house in Syracuse to see my Ham
let.' At the end of the first act the
got up and left the theater.
THAT was hardly a triumph, was ii ~
"Certainly it was; they couldn't stand any
more. All l was a powerful actor in the
forties."
One of our Sunday-school teachers on
recent occasion told her pupils that when
they put their pennies in the contribution
box she wanted each one to repeat Bible
verse suitable for the occasion. The first
boy dropped in cent, saying: "The
Lord loveth a cheerful giver." The next
boy dropped his cent into the box, saying:
" He that giveth to the poor lendeth to the
Lord" The third and youngest dropped
his penny, saying: IA fool and his money