Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1886-1890, 1889-11-01
THE EPIST0LAKY CRANK.
FUNNY THINGS FOUND IN THE
MAIL OF TWO PUBLIC MEN.

MAIL OF WI FO6cIC MEN,
Letters Received by the Manager of the
St. Louis Exposition-The Mayor of That
City Gets His Share of the Same Kind.
| Specimens from Each Batch.
'sThe heads of public institutions are tar
gets for all the cranks and queers Of the
country to shoot their pellets at" said Man
ager George Mills, of the st. Louis e1posi-
ton, after examining bushel or more Of
letters. ''Some of these should be preserved
in alcohol-heres one, for instance" and he
banded the following to reporter:
WANTS MILLION FOR IT.
ALLEN, ALLEaANY COUNTY, N. Y.
st. Louis Exposition Director:
| DEAR SIR learn you have got big show in
your city that handles everything have nat
ural curiosity that would draw big have offered
pay what want for it; ! heard you folks give
more for attractions than anybody else, and I
want to know what you can give. I'd bet my
franchise there amt another one like it, nor half
as good. What is it! III like some to tell me,
! but I'll tell you what it's like.
| Last spring felled hollow butted beech tree,
and splitting the butt rail cut found the center
something that looked like fesh and which
parted from the inside of the hollow with some
difficulty, it seemed to be sort of grown to the
wood. The thing was somewhat longer than
man, but it had no forn1-just straight piece OF
flesh that fitted the irregularities of the trees in
terror. But looking closer, found what seemed
like kind of face, and then traced ont what re-
manned Of nose. ears arms and legs. There was
little oridce where the mouth ought to be that
the thing was breathing out Of just a little.
The flesh was very white and tender. and shrunk
away if touched put it on the bob sled, took it
home and the school teacher who was boarding
there and me concluded it was the reminiscence
of slave who had run away IN war time and,
being almost caught, had squeezed up into the
tree; that the hole had been stopped up, and the
negro not being able to get out, the growing wood
had pinched him and the sap of the tree had sup
piled him with life until found him As he could
not grow sideways he was forced to grow some
way, and when he had been compressed out of all
shape to accommodate the space inside the extern
sion began. The big bunch Of wooly hair indicated
his Africanness and no mistake The peculiar
food and darkness bleached him. thought the
creature was going to starve to death once, but
made beech nut soup and poured it into what
used to be his mouth. I will take 81, DOC, 900 for
him. FRANCIS DENT.
FREE SHOW AND FREE PASS
you'll invest, of course, in this oddityT'
queried the reporter
SIT would be a STAR" replied the manager,
''if it existed except in the writer's brain.
But the demand for $1,000 600 betrays him
for an insane man, even had we not received
similar letters from him before. He was a
school teacher, but has been confined four
years Every time he escapes we get one Of
those epistles."
a Mr
Mills continued, (which inquiries if l think
the girl who receives the beauty premium
can be induced to travel for a moderate salary
with sort of side show, and if l will act as
his agent in the matter. By way of post
script he says that while she would be a
drawing card for him, it would advertise the
ST. Louis exposition immensely"
What will you reply?"
-rd-Id"-
And the manager revolved everything
mean he could imagine in his mind, but con-
tempt curtailed the assignment until he finally
CALCULATED:
sd tie him in Chinese laundry to fatten
on rats?"
Another oddity was the letter of a Chicago
mechanic, who expressed in stultifed phrase
ology the highest admiration for 'the show"
and summed up with request that Mr.. Mills
use his influence to get half fare rates for the
writer, wife and baby to visit the exposition;
or, he admitted he would be glad of passes,
and, as an inducement, offered ''if any plaster
ing wants patchin'" to do it,
Requests for passes to the hall are numer-
GUS One man writes from Ottawa, Kan,
asking season ticket for his family on the
ground that he boosted" Verestchagin while
the latter got his sketch for ga Hanging in
Russia Half hundred offer their services
gratis as watchmen if their friends will be
passed in. An inventor offers for 5000 to
set up q machine at each entrance that will
take, automatically, the picture of every one
entering the building, without regard to
how fast they come. This is both as an ex-
hibit, the author explains, and to help the
police in picking up pickpockets.
RURAL ARIA CHICKEN BARON.
Farther on in the pile was letter from a
farmer, who evidently could not appreciate
the Russian painters talent. Il went thar"
he scrawls. ''gist 70 see them paintens hearn
SO much about My girl James only IA, n she
kin paint better q blamed sight with skim
milk n huckleberry juice" But unique MSS.
are not confined TO the exposition. Two days
after assuming the assistant mayorship, Act
ing Secretary Simon s. Bass had a stock OF
odd applications filed away for mementoes
Among these is one from thoroughbred
Yankee who asks:
Mr. Mayor: What chance is there in ST.
Louis for an official incubator that Is one
that is first class Matching machine which
could get your Endorsement for as mayor for
about s2O02 Besides. l would give you a
couple of spring chickens every day while l
run and got good business. Or, could do
better and make it worth your while to make
a license or something, so | could put III a lot
and control the Matching business of your
town. Please answer quick, because havea
lot of eggs waiting"
In another line was the letter which asked
if brick making machine would pay here,
but the man spread the batter all over the
sriddle who asked if wheelbarrows had been
introduced here vet and if not how couple
dozen would take after the novelty wore off.
This came from Canada
A farmer near Ironton, Mo-, begs Mayor
Noonan to refer him to the best poet in town,
as he wants. he says, about 100 lines about an
old fellow settler if it would cost no moro
than o nickel line Or, he offers the mayor
fifty cents to let the job out not 10 exceed
SIS, for which he would like to send two deers
when the game law comes in Every man
% his trade" he winds up; ~ can hunt; let |
him as can write poetry"
So common are these appeals that an ap- |
plication to the mayor for the position as a !
school teacher, etc, scarcely provokes |
smile The answering OF these conmunica |
lions is left to the jsnitor who afirms they /