davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
FAsc1Es OF FUNNY MEN.

A man gets his life insured for the policy
ofthe thing. -Ksarnev EHtsrprfss.
The wise king said: $50 to the ant, thou
sluggardrs In Florida the ant saves the slng<zrd
the journey. -FzoridG Times Union.
She Cat the piano )-Listsnl How do you
enjoy this refrain?
He-Very much. The more you refrain the bet
ter like if.--Ausfcat Couslsr.
"Dld you hear Of the snake up at the
museum that was trying to get inside OF ifseI2's
eyes. They call him the dude anacouds. BE-
cause he's such swallow-taIl. ''-Hdrper's Bdsar.
"What7 Is the Widow Brown going 70
be led to the altar for the third timeG's
',No, guess not. She ought to be able 70 ana
her way there herself By thls time. s'-FEieQends
Btdsttsr.
Banks-Say. why do they call political
speech-making tour 'stumping the statsPs'
Politician Because that is The way they rs< -
''dead wood'' on their opponents. Ksarasg ~
tsrprfse.
PRESENT AND FUrURE
Philosophers say now's the time to prepare
For what is to come. be ye monarch or peasant.
Yet he who at Christmas remembers his flir
wise fjust now he prepares for the present.
-harperss Bosar.
How shall we move the massss?'' asked
the temperance orator. Just then somebody IN
the outskirts or the crowd remarked: Come up
and take drink, fellows. - and the masses moved
-Arnsey's Weekly.
WHERE TIE GOOD SLEEP.
The purest spot on earth may be
The happy homestead hearth,
But church appears 70 Us 70 Be
The pew-rest spot on earth.
Registtr Of Voters-How old are you,
madam?
Ancient Female-I have seen 10 summers, SIR.
negisfrar-Er, uni How long have you been
blindz-Nso iork Sun.
A Safe Affirmation. The clock struck Il
Darling viii you lore me when I'm gonep
Il can safely say yes. Ir. Hmifhers, because
DOESN'T look now As II you would ever 60
piled the younR lady. And then smithers kne" nls
case was hopeless. -H1rpT's Basar.
The Academy Committee have 1grndRe
against zou haven,t :heyg'' asked one Disciple o<
the brush Of brother in Art.
why, no. They accepted ny marine.
80 SAN. Il the1 we're well Us.P''1 ''e{
FoaI.I 14vz >ent It bsck. ''--Aa'YFe I''1@&
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

The first effect of the change OF the Cot
ton Oil Trust to the corporate form of organ
ization was to squeeze about 25 per cent of
water out Of its capitalization. The capital
being reduced from s4S, ,OOO, 900 to s32, 2,OOO.-
600, there is still plenty of water left in it.
But when it was discovered that the trust
scheme could not hold the monopoly, ii was
also discovered that it was best to get rid of
some of the fictitious capital on which it
was hoped that the monopoly would earn
dividends.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
MRS. GRUMPY SATISFIED.

y she was the parsons daughter,
And he was the deacon's son;
He saw her home from meetin,,
And thus 1t all begun.
He saw her home from meetin',
just as he should have done,
For she was the parsons daughter,
And he was the deacon's son.
BE called to see her mother
Upon Sunday night
To ask if she remembered
The date of Joseph's fight;
He called to see her brother,
And stayed till set of sun,
For John was the parsons hopeful
And he was the deacon's son.
BE called to see the parson,
And then he called again,
But all the thought he ventured
Was, 81 don't think twill rain.''
They always made him welcome,
As they did every one,
And then 1t was the parsons,
And he was the deacon's son.
At length there came q crisis,
He took her out to ride,
And Love despoiled his shyness-
He begged her be his bride,
And gossips never wondered
For once, at what was done,
For she was the parsons daughter,
And he was the deacon's son.
The girl was sweet and pretty,
And she could sew and bake,
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Academy Of Music.

Gillett's World on Wheels and Vaudeville
Company occupies the stage at Harry Williams
Academy this week. The remarkable evolu-
tions of the five members of the Gillett family
on their steel steeds would excite the Jealous
admiration of any amateur 'cyclist The bal
ance of the performance is above the usual
standard of vaudeville companies Among the
clever members of the company are the Midg-
leys, Emerson and Cook, Ripley and Risbee.
Smith and Post, Miss Agnes Atherton. May.
Wentz Brothers and the Coyle Sisters 1t goes
without saying that the house was packed.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

IT is asserted that Senator Vest has his
choler aroused and declares that if Phil
Armour tries to give evidence before the
committee on the cattle combine, he will be
shown the door. Since the Senator talks
that way, it will be just like Armour to stay
away from the committee altogether and
keep what he knows about cattle and
dressed beef, strictly to himself.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

CHIcAGo's real estate boom has reached
the stage of ''grand amphitheater sale, I"
at which balloon ascension will be made,
and from the height of 1000 feet the aerno-
naut will send down parachute with
deed for one OF the lots to the finder. We
should fear that this balloon feature would
be unpleasautly suggestive OF the nature of
the real estate values, with a warning that
when the boom bursts the supply of para
chutes to let values down easily will be ex-
hausted
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

declaration that he will hold his power only at
the approval of his subjects practically puts
his government on an irregular basisAof
republicanism. Dom Pedro viii rule to
the end of his days. but whether q republic
may not succeed him is question for the
future to decide.
The New World has set many examples
to the Old World; but there are few that
should be more instructive than the spectacle
of the Emperor of the second largest empire
in the world declaring to his subjects that
he will maintain his dynasty no longer than
the majority OF them wish him to.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
DOCTORS TALK AND EAT.
The southside Medical Society Opens the
Winter Season.

The inaugural meeting for the winter season
of the Southside Medical Society was held at
the Office of DR.. English, on Sixth street, last
evening. The society spent the whole evening
until 10 o'clock discussing whether future
meetings should be held at the offices OF the
members or in the operating room Of the
Southside Hospital, and it was decided to re-
quest of the Board Of Directors Of the Hospital
the use of the rooms, and If satisfactory, future
meetings will be held there. Following this
discussion DR.. Herseman read q paper on
''Sleep- Producing Agencies" and without dis
cussion the members repaired to the dining
room.
The luncheon was served by Lacha, the Press
Club caterer, and for some time the doctors
forgot all else save the menu and stories Of
old college days, intermixed with puns and
witty sayings only heard at such gathering.
When the last Of the menu had been served
vote of thanks was rendered Dr. English for
his hospitality and as the hour was late dis
cussion Of the paper was adjourned indef-
nitely,
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

The extension of q Southside incline
plane to a close connection with the coming
Birmingham traction road will bring the
hill regions into closer connection with the
business part of the city. The other incline
companies will be prompt to recognize the
force of the example, and follow suit.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
OF INTEREST IN PITTSBURG.
A VIII Contest i'm Which n Quarter Of a
Million Is Involved.


The Philadelphia Inquirer yesterday said:
To-day the Orphans Court win issue a COM
mission giving the right to any duly authorized
person IN the State of Florida to take the evil
dence of DR.. D. M. Duke and wife, Of De
Furiniah Springs, in one of the straDgesr will
contests known to American Jurisprudence. j.
heron Foster, the son of the late Colonel
Foster, is in legal battle with his two sisters,
Mrs. Rachel F. Avery and Julia T. Foster, to
set aside the last testament of their mother,
by the provisions Of which the brother is
ignored.
The contestant is represented by Mrs Carrie
=. kilgore. the defense by Lawyer James s.
Williams, and ex-Police Solicitor Miles suc-
ceeded the late Harold Mann as examiner. The
assigned cause for the contest is that Mrs.
Foster was monomaniac in her hatred for her
son. and that undue influence was used In the
execution of the will. The amount involved
has been esumated to be a quarter of million
dollars"
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

IF Chicago's population lived in New
York the Worlds Fair might stand chance
of being located on the North river. As it
is, when the New York papers are advo-
eating the raising of the guarantee fund by
25-cent subscriptions. the project has stuck
in the same mire as the Grant monument.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

POLITICAL assessments are likely to 60
out Of fashion in Washington when one of
the politicians who levy them has been sent
to the pepitentisry. But we reserve our
opinion on the question whether that mil
lenial penalty is likely to be applied in this
year of grace.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
The World. Museum.

Mr.. Geary's amusement venture in the sister
city has proven success, which this weeks
bill is not likely to weaken. The feature of
the hourly performance is a first-class minstrel
show, including such burnt-cork artists as the
WaFky Brothers, Frank Emerson, George
Marshall. the Criterion Quintet and a number
OF others. The Museum contains q number Of
new and novel attractions
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

The oil market reached the point yester-
day where it was absolutely necessary to
pay some attention to the threatening man
ner in which the wildcats throughout the
petroleum regions are developing into
han,o
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
THE TOPICAL TALKER.
The Success Of n Pittsburg Boy-some
Rather Odd Celebrations of Birthdays.

l.
The Success of n Pittsburg Boy-some
Rather Odd Celebrations of Birthdays.
WASHINGTON the Little has now three daily
papers. 1t is remarkable how the success OF
one man in q perilous venture will attract
others. But Mr.. Byron Clark's hit with his
bright and really newsy paper, the Journal Is
not likely TO be duplicated. 1t was daring ex-
pertinent that Mr.. Clark made, but the hard
work which he brought to bear in the enter
prise carried it over the reefs easily enough.
heard few days ago that the journal is
already paying nicely, and those who have any
idea of what difficult matter it is to establish
a daily paper on paying basis in small town
will be inclined to compliment Mr., Clark
highly.
The success of Mr.. Clark in Washington is
not a surprise to the newspaper men VINO
worked with him for many years in Pittsburg,
and knew him to be brainy, hard worker, en-
veloped in more modesty than would suftce
| half dozen men.
Occasionally man or woman is found who
does not have very clear notion of when he
! was born.
/ There used to be one of those anomalous be-
| ings who can take care of garden, horse or
COW indifferently well in the employ OF
| friend of mine. He was wont to come to his
master for advice On all sorts of questions
Once he came into the house and asked for an
audience. When he was admitted to the
library and bidden to say what he wanted, he
said, with q pull at bis forelock: "If ye PLACE,
Sir, want to have birthday"
Certainly Pat. When does your birthday
come?'
Faith an that's what don't know at all
hot arr1,os 80 eoI1
How can tell you?"
''Oh, everywan has birthday but me; and
the byes they laugh at me cause have sorry
one"
And by dint of cross.questioning the master
learned that his man did not know when he
was born, but needed birthday to celebrate.
II tell you what you'd better do" said the
adviser at last. you're an American citizen
now, and you should take the glorious Fourth
of July as your birthday
This pleased Pat immensely and he cele-
brates July to this day with tremendous
energy.
THERE lives or there did few years ago,
an old lady in this county who has movable
birthday. She had the good fortune to be born
on Easter Sunday and she insists on receiving
presents and congratulations on that festival
no matter when it occurs. Lots of people have
tried to reason with the old lady, calendar in
hand, but she replies to them all, II was born
on Easter Sunday morn SO years ago, and till
die Easter Sunday will be my birthday"
And this reminds me of the very loyal En-
glishman born in the shadow of Winchester
Cathedral, on the Oath day of August-the
birthday of William IV.-who when tnat
neutral-tinted monarch died, changed his birth
day to May "a, in order to still enjoy the coin
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

The industrial exhibition at Mechanical
Hall is reported to be taking very attractive
shape. In that case, why not give the pub
lie a chance to see what our manufacturers
can do in the exhibition line, upon payment
of an admission which will help to meet tbe
exnenses?
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Women q, MililnrY Lenders.

There is still room for great woman general
in this country Semiramis and Joan of Arc
and Bodicea and Elizabeth had the spirit of
war and the strength to feed it, but where is
the great general in petticoats since Elizabeth's
dayg Are women never to draw sI3 month as
Uncle Sans soldiers? Cooks and nurse girls
might Just as well be enlisted as the hostlers
and gardeners with which the rank and file are
kept filled by the able recruiting officers.
The wife of General John B. Gordon, VINO,
since the war, has been Governor of and United
States Senator from Georgia. was the INSOFAR
able companion of all his army campaigns. and
fierce ones they were. She had the soldiers
soul; she lived in camp, slept often on the
bare ground, ate ha.dtack and salt pork and
rode on the march by her husbands side. There
was woman who might have been a general.
She was a captain, by brever, for "the boys"
always called her Captain Sallyr'
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Levy Comes Again.

Levy, the great cornet player, with his con-
cert company. will appear at Old City Hall to-
morrow afternoon and evening. In the COM
pany are Rosa Linde, the noted contralto and
has not appeared here since TIE old Exposition
was burned.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
A Turner Recention.

The ladies Of the Birmingham Turner'S So
ciety entertained their friends at Turner Hall
on Jane street, last night with reception. The
affair was strictly private, and those present
were treated to royal good time.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

THE announcement that the Vanderbilts
have cast off the tyranny of their French
cooks, gives ground for the hope that the
millionaires may yet grow up to good
American style of living.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
rhs usunl order Rersr.ed.

From the Washington Post.i
Miss Hattie French. OF Naples. N. r. went
stark mad because the publishers rejected
novel she had written This is reversal Of the
usual orter.l Most OF the girls 60 crazy and
then write their romances.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

THE advance in ore rates indicates that
if the railroads cannot transport all the ore
that is offered them, they are bound to get
all the money they can out Of what they do
carry
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

Mrs. LILLE DEvEREAUx BLAKE
should be informed that it is not crime to
be woman Neither is it crime to be
man. The crime is when men and women
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Cave oansm. KaIssr.

Nrum the FhHaueIpma Inqulrer.J
'Twould be horrible If one Of the multitu-
dinous dogs Of Constantinople should change
the map of Europe by fatally biting the visiting
Kaiser, but it is Just such trivial events that
determine destinies Mighty Achilles was vul.
nerable only in his heel.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

NEW plate glass factories seem to be
coming to Pittsburg almost as rapidly as
new gushers are striking the petroleum
market
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Probably sbe Reason.

From the Minneapolis Tribune.l
Emperor William is having new crowns
made for himself and the Empress. The rsn-
son is not made public, but It Is highly prob
able that graodpa's Has too big for him
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
such Stock Comes Hirh.

From the New York World:
c. p. Huntington, who is descended from the
Nornans, evidently considers foreign nobility
preferred stock.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
He Smoked Too nIany CIgarettes.

John Barry. victim of excessive cigarette
smoking, has just been sent by his family to
the insane pavilion Of Bellevue Hospital
Barry is rs years old and the SON of Officer
Barry, Of the Leonard street police station. He
began smoking cigarettes at the age Of 10.
Twoyears later his wealth began to depreciate,
but he could not be pursuaded to give up smok-
ing. Five years ago he was smoking package
Of cigarettes every day and was SO nervous and
weak that he had to quit business. Recently
he has smoked three, four and sometimes six
packages of them daily. His mind grew weak
and several times when but few blocks from
home he forgot where he lived. Last Friday
Mrs. Barry noticed that he was acting rather
queerly and asked him what was the matter
Hush, /" he said, IGod is speaking to me and I
must not be disturbed" In a short time he
commenced to grow violent and it became nee
essary to remove him TO the station house and
from there he was taken to the Bellevue Hos
pitaL The hospital physicians say that young
Barry's mind Is irrevocabiy gone
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
a Band of Boz BrIeand..

Five young lads in knickerbockers were ar
rested to-day in cave, the entrance to which
was an old disused carpenters shop. at Scher-
merhorn street and Third avenue, Brooklyn
The police were good while discovering the
cave and found it only by shadowing one Of
the boys whom they suspected OF petty
burglary. The boys wanted to be bold brigands
and have good time, so they organized a
gang and made their headquarters in the csve
last summer. Since then they have stolen any
amount OF crackers, cheese, knives, powder
and shot from the stores in the neighborhood-
The interior of the cave was fantastically
adorned with used-up goat skins, bright bits of
rag carpet and rows Of formidable clubs which
were intended to make it resemble wild
western rendezvous of desperadoes. The Eve
little dime-noyel criminals will be tried to-mor-
row morning.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
GREETED BY FRIENDS.
Ir. and Mrs. Mcclure Hold Reunion Of

Mr.. and Mrs. Mcclure Hold Reunion Of
Old Acquaintances.
The reunion which took place at the resi-
dence of Mr. and Mrs. Mcclure, 8 Beech street,
of the immediate relatives of the host and
hostess last evening was in honor Of the twen-
tieth anniversary OF their wedding. The guests
assembled at o'clock. and in manner bef1t-
ting the occasion congratulated Mr.. and Mrs.
Mcclure upon the past 20 years of happiness,
and wished them a continuation Of the same,
accompanying their remarks with many beau
tiful presents in china. Later in the evening
Luther served very enjoyable lunch.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

THE Supreme Court decision on licenses
yesterday amounted to cold wave for the
distIllers
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29

The rising riveis promise to add their
contribution to the business activity, if the
down-river bridges will permit the coal
tows 10 get past.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
METRoPoLITAS MURMURs.
A0uartet Of Gains.


fNKw YORK BUREAU sPEcIALs.1
NEW YORK. October 28.-Four murderers
were before the bar Of the General Sessions to-
day. They were Joseph Wood. Charles G.
Schultz, William s. Ball and Giovanni A.
Sciescente. Wood was ioungiug on log near
the Croton aqueduct on which he worked one
Sunday afternoon recently, when Charles
Rufin, q fellow workman, sat down beside him.
Rufin had some trouble with the foreman Of
the gang Of workmen, but had no personal
quarrel with Wood. Wood. withour anv prov
ocation whatever. pushed Rufin of the log
and then put his hand back to his hip pocket
Rufhn cried: "If you shoot me nobody VIII
gain anything by It," Wood shouted: II will
shoot you," whipped out S2caliber pistol and
shot Ruffin dead Wood pleaded not guilty to-
day and was remanded. Ball, colored boy,
fatally stabbed Sherman Porter, a horse racing
tout" at 4 negro ball last August. He was
indicted for murder in the first degree, but was
convicted only of manslaughter. he was SEN
fenced to is years imprisonment sciescente
fatally stabbed Henry Novick. Hebrew ped
dler, because Novick chucked his best girl.
Cecilia De salvo, under the chin and told her
she was pretty. His trial was postponed till
next month. Schultz beat his sick wife SO bru-
tally last September Il that she died four days
later. He pleaded not guilty to-day and was
remanded.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Lady Guide. and Accounrnn,..

Women in New York will undoubtedly find a
new calling befpre long as '.lady guides"
That's what they call themselves in London,
where the Lady Guide Association" very re-
Gently published statistics showing that 1t was
established and on a prosperous basis There
are no professional guides for whose services
strangers in New York now call except the
hotel detectives who show guests from the
country the Sixth avenue and West Third
street dives after midnight Women couldn't
comes with its millions OF strangers, who will
want to 60 everywhere and see everything in
limited time, women can be guides in New
York and guides to the fair, and in all proba-
bility they will be. They might just as well call
themselves guide women" however, as lady
guides" and in fact great deal better. Seeing
the sights of the town with brighteyed, rosy
checked guide woman to point them out would
at once become an attractive diversion even for
your veteran New Yorker who fancies he
knows every cobble stone on Broadway.
English women seem to have good heads at
thinking out new callings for themselves. A
smart English girl has just launched herself on
the sea of London life as q household auditor
and accountant: families whose grocers' and
butchers bills are very large and who don't
want housekeeper about all the time call in
the household accountant once a month to
verify the balances Of the buffers and head
cooks accounts; she does SO and gets well paid
for it. Why shouldn't there be household
accountants in New York, and why shouldn't
they be women?
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
TERMS OF THE DISPATCH.

POSTAGE FREE IN THE UNITED STATES.
DAILY DISPATCH, One Year. 90
DAILY DISPATCH, Per Quarter. ................ 200
DAILY DISPATCH, One Month .....,.......... 70
DAILY DISPATCH. including Sunday, year. 10 90
DAILY DIsPATcH. including Sunday, Smiths, 50
DAILY DISPATCH, including Sunday, month 90
SUNDAY DISPATCH. One Iear .......,......... $50
WEEKLY DISPATCH, One Year ................ Is
TIE DAILY DISPATCH is delivered by carriersat
l5cents per week or including Sunday edition, at
2Vcents per week.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-29
Rscommended by Queen Victoria.

On the Anchor line steamship Circassia
which came into port to-day after tempestu-
Gus voyage were IL members of the Balmoral
Choir. an English singing organization, with
letters Of recommendation from Queen Vic
toria. Lydia Thompson and several members
of her Robinson Crusoe company were also on
the Circassia.