The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-02-14
WIT AND HuMOR.
Good only when used up-An UNI
brella. B0stoa Beacon.

brella. Boston Beacon.
Before you clope, young woman, let
yonr mother know your route.-New
orleans ifcdyaae.
You will find the most correct ac-
count of the clothes of the yearin your
tailor's bill.--DoSioa Butletin.
Oliver-I do not think | am quite
myself this evening. Jeannette-Al-
low me to congratulate you.-Life.
What arc the great astronomers
The stars. because they have studded
the heavens for ages.-Bosto's Beacon.
Don't be dishonest in small mat
tcrs. Ii you get found out you won't
have much of a chance for larger
operations. Life.
Dcaf-dumb-blind," read Squeers.
Here. my good man, take this quarter"
Beggar-"You lie! OATS two-cent
piece, you tief. f."-iifite.
House and visiting gowns are slight
" trained this season, but The bali
room dress is rs unmanagable-a as ever.
= Burlington Free Press.
The critics who gush So eXtrayagant-
~ over the star actresses and prime
donne are liable to die from an over
dose of lauden' en- Te1as Sittings.
John, DEAR" she said, ''if we're to
die would You marry again9" ''Imight.
my love, he replied. "but should go
q trihe less recklessly than l did be-
fore."-Once Week.
1t is not always the man who looks
the wisest who knows the most, but
most people don't know this. so that it
will pay you to look just as wise as
you possibly eau. u.-LoaisUiAe Journal.
Miss Smith-Did anybody call this
evening, Bridget? Bridget-Yis. miss;
Aioike O'Shamus and Tim Blarney.
Miss S. What? | don't know them!
Biddy-T6ey called on me, mum
Life.
eff you refuse me | shall die!' he
exclaimed wildly. Then you might
give me proof of your love before
YOU die" What kind of proof?" ''ln-
sure your life in my vor."-Bosto'1
Courier.
Abused husband-Say can man
get divorce for cruelty? Lawyer
Certainly What does your wife do
TO you? ..She fits my shirts herself
and makes me wear 'em. - -Phitadet-
phia Record.
Winks-What are you doing now?
Jinks-Running cheap restaurant
downtown. II never supposed you
knew how TO cook. Il don't That's
why l'm running cheap restaurant"
= Philadelphia Record.
II is proposed to hold the next re-
union of the Smith family in Delaware.
The absur,lity of holding reunion of
the Smith family in Delaware would
make the authors of 'Pinafore" smile.
SomerUiIie Jou:nGi.
s.What will be the end of the human
race? inquired the orator, and one fell
low in the audience remarked that if
cremation continued to grow in popu-
larity the race would end in dead
heat.-7er7ic Haute EGpress.
Mrs. ManlIattan--But what a hope
lessly vulgar lot those Joneses are!
Why, hear that Mr.. Jones pays all
his bills in cash, and Mrs. Jones to my
personal knowledge will go shopping
for pair of gloves and carry them
home herself, Life.
Winks--s' Seems TO me the Haytians
might know better Than to be buying
old broken down merchant vessels for
men-of-war. Minks-"But you must
remember the poor ignorant blacks
down in Hayti have never seen any navy
except ours. Philadelphia Record.
II wish to get pipe suitable for a
present" said the daughter. LET me
see something artistic. please" Some
thing er-er-whal?n stammered the
bewildered clerk. '.An artistic pipe" :"
Gained in Mrs. Malaprop. "One that
draws we'll, you know."--Neuo YorE
Sun.
Miss Richandugiy with sigh)-
Then you love me, Count? Count
Castagno fervently)-Lova youp My
Coda, yesa! Bobby (under sofa)-
Chestnuts! Count (bis old commercial
instincts overcoming him)-Fiva eenta
pinte; how mucha you wanta?-I0u7l
Topics.
Fair passenger Qo her travelling
companion)--Do you know. Mr.. Samp-
son, that feel nervous? Mr. Sampson
What makes you feel that waya Do
you anticipate danger? passenger
(shyly)-No, | don't anticipate any
danger. but we are approaching tun-
nel.-EpoeA.
Wife-John, my housekeeping al
Iowance won't suffice this week. You'll
have to help me out about So. Hus-
band-Is that so? What's the troublep
Wlfe-O, it won't happen again, but
have been trying some of the dollar
dinners that the newspapers are full of.
Harper's BaSar.
Head waiter-''Didn't Mr.. Good
heart tip you just nOwP" Waiter
Yes, sab; CUB me half doliah. :"
well. you wait on that new guest
and give some other waiter a chance
at Mr.. Goodheart's table. He isn't
more than half through yet "-Phila-
delphiG Record.
Mrs. De Fashion (sneeringly)-Here
I've been wondering where You were
for the last hour, and | find you've
been up in the nursery. That new
nurse girl is rather pretty, isn't shep
Mr. De F. (quietly)-1he nurse is out,
but there some interesting children up
there. philadelphia Record.
Yes said Mrs. De Porque, lust
after her return trip from abroad.
''France Is great country. The peO-
pie in Paris are amazingly clever"
I'm what wayP" why, they all
speak French tfuently, and several OF
them assured me they had never taken
Oculist-..When did your eye first
become iuflamedP" Patiently Jester.
day. ! went up to a lady to speak to
her and the peak of her bonnet
II see. We have many such cases.
Use this lotion and be careful while
the present fashion lasts to do your
talking to ladies by telephone. .n-Phiia-
delphid Record.
Miss Mabel (to Miss Spinster)-And
so you are really engaged TO Mr. Bent
ly, are you Miss Spinster-Yes, poor
man; when his wife died realized that
there was soul to save, and stepped
in and saved it. Miss Mabel-That is.
you become engaged to him. Miss
Spinster-That is the same thing, Miss
Mabel, the same thing.-Epoch.
Iowa has discovered that she has no
law to punish q person who sets fire
to stack of oats. Only wheat and
lor y