Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-04-22

Walters epitaph-He couldn't wait any
longer, so he went.
A dog is in full dress when he has on
his collar and pants.
A Camden man IS so modest that he
never changes his boarding place until
after dark.
1t is one of the compensations of ma
ture that people who are too fresh are al
ways getting into a pickle.
The highest office in the gift of the
president is that of postmaster at Mineral
Point, Col. 1t is $4,000 feet above the sea
level.
Sad about Choly, wasn't it? Got his
cane-head in his mouth, you know, and
couldn't get it out ''How much was it
worth?'
Friend-Do you live happily with your
husband? Muscular female-Of course
L do. I'd like to see him try not to live
happily with me.
He-Can you tie a true lovers knot, my
dear? She-No, hiding her bushes with
her fan; but our new clergyman can do
it very nicely.
Mrs. Smith, who is reading humorous
paper-I don't see any fun in these jokes
about big bills for ladies' hats.-Mr.
Smith, don't either.
Old LADY, hope, my boy, you don't
sell papers on Sunday? Small newsboy
(sadIy)-No, mum; Faint big enough
to carry Sunday edition yet.
Hostess-Miss Brown has no partner
for this waltz. You will not mind dane
ing with her instead of me? He-On the
contrary, shall be delighted.
Good Minister-Yes, children, we all
have besetting sins. So have l, like the
rest. Now, what do you suppose is my
besetting sin? Bright bodybuilding.
Father" said the lad, 81 grant you
Your parental right to whale,
But ere you begin proceedings,
Please remove the shingle nail"
1--WE would like to see your mother if
| she is not engaged" Seven-year-old-
Engaged! Goodness, she was engaged
long ago and got married before / was
! born.
Wife-Why were you so long at the
! front door last night John? Why didn't
you sing out? Husband-That was just
the trouble. couldn't strike the right
key"
"Whin we pay good money to a band
we want thin to all play; now, here's
wan or two of yez playing, Stint Patrick's
Day and the rest af yez goin' foot, tootH
Why don't all of yez play the chune and
arm yer money!"
An East Boston man who keeps a live
~ stable had mule for sale, and hearing
that friend in a neighboring town want
ed to buy one, sent him the following,
written on postal card: Dear Friend
If you are looking for a No. mule, don't
forget me-"
GLOW absurd she said, "to call Jay
Gould heartless. / see in this mornings
paper that he spends an hour in the nurs-
cry every day watching his little grand
son take his bath" EYES," he answered
unkindly, could always has been fond
of watering his own stock"
A six-year-old boy wrote his first com
position on water. water is good to
drink, to battle in, and to skate on. When
| was Il little baby, the nurse used to
battle me every morning in water. have
been told that the Injuns don't wash
themselves once in 10 years. / Wish l was
an Injun!"
The old maid should be the happiest
woman in the world. She hasn't got any
children to watch and worry over, or any
husband to sit up at night for. In fact
she hasn't got anything but herself TO
to worry her. She's got good position
and don't know it. If we were female
we'd sooner be an old maid than half
| dozen husbands.
'sGrandpa, do hens make their eggs!
Certainly" 1.-The same way boy makes
ball when his papa don't buy one for
/ him?" "No, not exactly" ''Do the hens
put in the yellow first aud then put the
white around it?' Il guess they do, but
| you shouldn't be asking such questions;
/ when You are older you will know all
about it, Il want to ask you just one
more question; may /, grandpa9" Eyes,
| go ahead" 'Wbo sews the covers on for
1 them?" Grandpa was silent