davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
FISH ARE MOI PARTICULAR.
They Care for Quantity, Not Quality, and
Always Take Water in Theirs.

SIT is a well-esta blished fact in nat
ural history" said Fish Commissioner
z. G. Blackboard Yesterday. ''that fish
have two chief occupations. One is
to eat and the other is to avoid being
eaten. Few persons have had occasion
to actually observe the voraciousness
of fish. Fish are not particular as 10
what they eat when hungry. | have
seen a half-pound trout swallow a
quarter of a pound trout. have
found in the stomach of a Goldfish
weighing eight pounds block of wood
as large as my hand. There was found
in the stomach of Goldfish that was
taken at Gloucester, not so very long
ago. pack of playing cards. How
the Goldfish found the cards no one has
ever been able to surmise.
II have found in the stomach of a
striped bass which weighed twelve
pounds another stripped bass weighing
four pounds. And, astonishing as it
NAV seem, there were found in the
same fish nine menhaden and a few
other smaller fish. A few weeks ago
there was found in the stomach of a
fish caught off the coast of England a
long iron bolt.
Probably the greediest of all fish. !"
added Commissioner Blackford, sis
the black swallower,' as it is popular
" termed. This fish can perform the
seemingly impossible feat of swallow
ing another fish from eight to twelve
times larger than itself. Its true hab-
itation seems to be at a depth of 1000
fathoms. 1t has an elongated body of
nearly uniform thickness from the
head nearly to the tail. The skin is
destitute of scales. the mouth is very
deeply cleft, extending behind the
eyes, and reminding you of the chest
nut about the boy who was said to
have so large a mouth that when he
opened it the top of his head was an
island. The popularity of the swal-
lowers mouth is that some of the teeth,
all of which are long and sharply point
ed, are movable. Let the swallower
espy a fish many times larger than it
self and it darts upon its victim like a
flash, seizes it by the tail and gradual
ly climbs over it with its jaws, first
advancing one jaw and then the other.
As the victim is taken in the swallow
er's stomach it appears as a great bag
projecting out far backward and for
ward. The walls of the stomach are
SO tightly stretched that they are trans
parent, and the species of the fish TAX
en- in may be discovered. Such ra-
pacity is often more than the captor
can back up by digestion, and the
swallower IS forced upward from the
depths to the surface of the ocean,
where it may be picked up. In this
way specimens of this rare fish have
been obtained and sent to the National
Museum at Washington. "-NeU York
Sun.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
THE PRINCESS LoUIsE's ROMANCE.
Her Marriage to Scottish Nobleman
Who is Made Duke.

Her Marriage to a Scottish Nobleman
Who is Made a Duke.
Speaking of the recent wedding of
Princess Louise and Lord Fife, who was
made Duke at the special request of
Queen Victoria, on his wedding day, the
London queen says:
1t is no indiscretion to say how very
much in love the young people are, and
that on the princess side she would
willingly have married Lord Fife years
ago, only he never thought for one mo-
ment that she cared for him or that the
union would be allowed; and so things
drifted till an intermediary was found to
explain the situation to the two interest
ed people. There is a very pretty story
being told that the princess had bought
a birthday present for Lord Fife for the
last five years, but being too shy to give
them to him she locked them away very
carefully, and the drawer was only
opened and the story told when she
knew that it was all right and that the
wish of her heart was about to be real
lied
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
The Too Intimate Neighbor.

Save us from the neighbor who
thinks herself intimate enough to be
privileged to enter our house without
knocking. You can never forsee when
she will be down upon you. Do yon
stand before your mirror, razor in
hand, in shirt sleeves, with your face
covered by lather? Then it is that she
chances in with smirk, just to saw
good-morning," and ruffies your tenn
per and demolishes your sense of
dignity. Is your wife without cook
or maid, and is she in the kitchen
flushed. and perspiring, and untidy,
getting up hasty meal?
The intimate neighbor is dead sure
to run in unannounced, and, when you
beg her to step into the sitting-room,
coolly passes you and surprises the
mistress of the house over the hot
stove. Then, too, see the wretched
efforts the latter makes to appear at
ease, and to make the vulgar visitor
feel that it is delightful for one to be
surprised with her hands in dish-water
and a SCOT spot on her cheek, is
enough to give one the lock-jaw And
as for the miserable man who tried in
vain to stop the lady in the parlor-
his actions in the privacy of the bed
chamber are those of a wild and des-
perate creature. Is there no remedy
for this most intolerable of all nui-
sancesp-I'e1ds Ssft5ngs.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Who Got the Worst of 1t.

There is q story told of well-known
South Brooklyn contractor, says the
BROOKLYN Citizen. who has in his en-
pillow an old and faithful hand named
Flynn. Flynn is sober, industrious,
and for the past ten years has never
missed days work. But few morn
ings ago he failed to report at the
yard and his employer who needed his
services, determined to ascertain the
cause of his absence. The contractor
had a vague idea that he tenanted one
of the shanties which are to be found
between Third and Fourth avenues
near Sixth street Accordingly he set
out. and after a prolonged and vain
search for Flynn accosted strapping
Irish woman who stood at the door of
d particularly ramshackle hut. The
woman showed signs of rough hand
ling. Her left arm was in a sling,
both eyes blackened, she had a cash on
her left cheek, and her head was
swathed in bandages.
Madam" said the contractor, as he
approached her, lean you tell me
where man named Flynn lives?"
''Oi can"
NV here!
''Roight here"
s'Then Ipresume I'm addressing Mrs.
Flynn?'
''Roight yez are"
SIS F1vnn siek?n
s'Indade an he is. He's terrible sick. ="
'What is the trouble with him?"
"Well," said the woman. as she re-
adjusted one of the bandages on her
head and wiped her left eye. ''yez see,
Flynn and Oh had troifle av dispute
las noight, an'-an' he's in bed as a
result av it."
land, madam" said the contractor,
cycling the dilapidated countenance of
Mrs. Flynn, 81 imagine. judging by
your appearance, that you got the
the worst of the dispute"
"Whistr' said Mrs. Flynn. as a
broad grin overspread what was left
of ner face, don't yez say wurrud
till vez see Flynn"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Do Men Fear Death.

Who said that men fear death? Who
concocted that fable for old wivess
He should have stood that night with
Philip in the midst of host of 1885,
900 men in the full flush and vigor of
life, calmly and deliberately making
ready at dawn to receive death in its
most horrid forms at one another's
hand. 1t is in vain that Religion in
vests the tomb with terror, and Philos-
ophy, shuddering, averts her face; the
nations turn from these gloomy teach
ers to storm its portals in exultant
hosts, battering them wide enough for
thousands to charge through abreast.
The heroic instinct of humanity with
high contempt of death is wiser and
truer, never let us doubt, than super
stitious terrors or philosophic doubts.
1t testifes to a conviction, deeper than
reason, that man is greater than his
seeming self; to an underlying con-
seriousness that his mortal life is but
an accident of his real existence, the
fashion of day, to be lightly worn
and gaily dotted at duty's call
What pity it truly is that the tonic
air of battlefields-the air that Philip
breathed that night before Antietam
cannot be gathered up and preserved
as precious elixir to reinvigorate the
atmosphere in times of peace when
men grow faint of heart and cowardly
and quake at thought of death. Ed
aOard Bal5onay IN the Century.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Down Hill Makes Bow Legs

"Bow-legged people are generally
thought to have involuntarily deform-
ed themselves by crawling in infancy"
said physician and surgeon to a
Dispatch writer yesterday. Not So"
continued the M. D.. flor in a number
of years practice / have paid attention
to the many malformed people who
have had their limbs bowed even
after maturity"
"Why?" was the inquisitive interjec-
ton.
well. it is peculiar fact that per-
sons residing in altitudinous houses
of which there are numberless in both
Pittsburg and Allegheny-are the ones
to whom | refer. The daily ascent
and descent of hills, where the horse
cars or inclines do not traverse, has
been the cause of more crooked limbs
than was ever thought of. The ascent
of hill, of course, makes muscular
developments; but in the descent per-
son throws the entire weight of his
body upon the knee and ankle joints,
which relax in order to ease the strain
upon the forelimb. and the maid weight
falls for support upon the ankles.
There is a superabundance of avoirdu-
polse bearing down upon them, which
naturally causes them to crook, thus
throwing the limb from the ankle to
the knee into ''bow" shape.
1.-The only remedy | could suggest
would be for all hill denizens to de-
scend. "-PtttS6arg Dispatch.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
In a Nutshell.

The good die young. This is par.
ticularly true of chickens.
The servant-girl question - How
many nights out in the week?
A woman will forgive everything liz
man except neglect of herself.
The pleasantest thing connected
with labor is the drawing the pay for
it.
1t is the skirt of lady's ball dress
that costs; the corsage doesn't come
high.
How happy our neighbors might be
if they would only Go as we think they
ought to do!
What is ancestry, after all? The
rich as well as the poor man came
into the world without a shirt to his
back.
The man who is in the habit of try
ing to get TO the bottom of things
should beware of falling overheard in
mid-ocean.
When washerwoman changes her
place of residence one may ask her
''where she hangs out now without
using slang.
Solomon says there is nothing new
in the world. Nevertheless it will be
admitted that Boston dude if not ex-
actly new is pretty fresh.-BostOn
Courier.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Beating the Slot Machine.

Look here" said an enterprising
young man at the Wayne Hotel yes
terday, addressing two of the clerks
and Free Press representative; 1--WE
found way to beat the weighing ma
chine"
The trio followed the youth to an
adjoining room, where was a magnifi-
cent and costly machine, patented and
bearing the inscription:
Put a nickel in the slot and card
will issue from the machine with a
printed statement of your exact
weight"
Putting a cent instead of a nickel
about half way into the slot the boy
gave it smart snap with his fingers.
Instantly the intricate clockwork, visi-
BILE through the glass casing, began to
revolve and card issued with Jay"
the exact weight of the person on the
scales.
Here. try this pants BUTTON" said
one of the clerks, handing out an ordi-
nary brass-rimmed trousers button.
1t was snapped in and the same result
followed.
do you know what you have done,
boy?" said the other clerk solemnly
The youth with dim consciousness
that he had land himself liable to an
swer in a court, family responded in
the negative.
you have rendered worthless a
large amount of labor and expendi-
ture of much money. OF course it
will be a good joke when the machine
man empties out his treasury and
finds it full of pennies and pants but
ons, but it winds up his business and
leaves him in the condition of Othello. :"
Detroit Free Press.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
OF for the Wild, Wild West.

MIR. Joblots, returning from his Of
fee, finds Mrs. j. bathed in tears and
in a decidedly historical condition.
james, oh, James, our boy is gone!
George has ran away! Ran away with
the Begosh boysw yep" replied
Mr.. j. Il know it l saw 'em run
ming. Got two pistols in the crowd, a
loaf of bread and twenty pounds of
salt. Policeman told me about 'em.
Got buggy and followed 'em about
five miles; mighty tired and anxious to
be pursued. George took a piece of
chalk and wrote on the fence: We're
goin' so kamp in Hankses woods.
Deth to the persooer.' He'll be back
about 10 o'clock, and" he added,
twisting the rattan to make it subtle,
''we'll give him royal welcome. -
Brooklyn Eagle.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08


containing some precious family plate
and few good pictures. Mar Lodge
is a model of Highland shooting quar-
tiers and capital bachelor residence
but no place for a man to take his bride
to. lines House, near Elgin, is let.
Delgaty, another home. is in the hands
of some member of the Duff family.
Balvenie, beautiful specimen of seven
teenth century architecture, has been al
lowed to fall rapidly into ruins since the
wife of the fourth Earl Fife died there
from the bite of rabid dog. Bothie-
may House, which is said 10 be the old
est and prettiest of all the Duff posses
sions, is let to another relative of the
Duff family. Lord Fife raised a
good deal of discussion by an order to
his tenants forbidding them to take any
thing from their small savings to give
him wedding present, as is usually
done in marriages of this kind As
rule his action is commended Another
thing that is winning him public favor
is his determination to make his bride
simply the Countess of Fife, and not in
slst upon her claim to princess-ship She
will have no household. She will lead
the life of an ordinary English countess,
unattended bv flunkvism.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Uncle Sam Gets the Shake.

As to annexation-as to flirting with
Uncle Samuel-no. Absolutely, firm
ly. irrevocably, no. We love you, es-
TEEN your manly virtues. firmly be-
lieve you have good religious princi-
Piles and a high moral character: but
Canada can never be more than a
sister to you. She will always take an
interest in you, and trusts you may
find a partner with whom you may yet
be happy. Go; and in the whirl of
pleasure or the intoxication of business
forget her as quickly as you can. but
seek not to win her affections that are
already placed.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
A Juvenile Casuist.

The age is nothing if not skeptical.
saws the Boston Courier. and out of
the mouths of babes and sucklings
come nowadays the most unorthodox
sentiments.
Little George has attained to the
mature age of z and having enioyed
the advantage of a pious education he
Is well up in the theological subtilties
which it is in such a course of instruc-
ton felt proper to stuff into young
heads. His especial delight is in
bringing them forward, tangled and
twisted, with the intent therein to en-
snare his worthy grandmother, who
holds to the faith of fifty years ago
with mistaken fidelity.
ssGrandmother." he said the other
day, you say that one has to give an
account for everything he saysP"
Yes, George she replied, solemn
", for every idle word, even, one
must give an account in Judgment.
''And, you said, grandma, that all
the influence counts, too"
Yes, all the influence.
"Well,if | said something in a room,
and | didn't know there was any one
near 0uOuPu W hCehLs IL "Ouiuh u oO
fair to blame me if somebody was real
ly in the next room and heard me and
was made wicked"
But you shouldn't say things that
would make people wicked, even when
you are alone"
s.But it might not be anything
wicked" persisted the boy. Suppose
a man had made up his mind TO steal
something and he didn't know where
it was, and l told where it was when I
didn't know he was there or meant to
steal Would that be wickedP"
'sOf course not" was the not wholly
patient reply.
s'But it would make him steal"
Don't talk nonsense" the old lady
returned with majesty. Don't say
anything more unless you have some
thing sensible to ask"
But, grandma, If should make you
provoked when | was only trying to
find out about these things, would that
be wicked?"
Clara" the prosecuted grandmoth-
er said to the boys mother, who at this
point of the conversation entered the
room, eff you don't want that boy to
kill me | wish you would send him out
to play"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
The Equilibrium Of the Sexes.

Whenever careful and reliable statis-
tics have been obtained it is found that
more male than female children have
been born. In Great Britain, where
the returns are nearer perfection than
elsewhere, the proportion for the last
ten years was found to be 1,041 males
to 1000 females. 1t is singular fact,
however, that the mortality among the
male children is greater, so that the
equilibrium is restored in ten years,
and census of children of that age
shows the sexes to De equal. From
that age onward, owing to the more
perilous occupations of males, to losses
in war, etc., the proportion of females
begins to increase until the final GEN.
sus in England shows 1000 women of
all ages to 949 men.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Rattlesnake's Deadly Bite.

Speaking of people bitten by rattle
snakes, Mr.. j. Ii. Estill of the Savan-
nah NesOS, says: .sOut of a thousand
people bitten by rattlesnakes | do not
think a dozen recover. There is no
known cure, in spite of tie fact that
many people have said that they were
cured by whisky. You may depend
on it that when man says he was
cured of rattlesnake bite, though not
necessarily a liar, lie is at least labor
ing under a misrepresentation of the
facts. There is a small snake similar
TO rattlesnake in appearance, whose
poison is not so venomous, and negroes
bitten by it place lime upon the spot
or else drink enough whisky to coun-
teract the poison. Whisky if taken in
a large quantity, goes directly into
:he blood and counteraats the poison
of the snake. But the regular Georgia
RATHER, from TO z feet in length, is a
deadly customer TO meet. 1t does not
give any warning, but strikes the mo-
ment it is disturbed, and it can strike
an object as far distant as it is long.
A friend of mind was riding along in
the saddle on day and a big RATHER
lying in the road leaped at him as he
passed. 1t closed to his boot leg, driv-
ing one of its fangs clear through the
thick leather of his boot and through
his trousers, just escaping the flesh.
1t required considerable kicking to
shake that snake off, and w hen he was
finally got rid of he started in pursuit.
My friend faced bullets in the army
with nonchalance, but his hair stood
L. 81, L.
ing, and he damned spurs to his nag
and didn't stop until he had gone a
quarter-stretch. My plantation is full
of rattlesnakes, and only last week my
hands killed twenty-six in q field of
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08

guests he is received by body of kilt ed
retainers. who accompany him home
with more patriarchal splendor than is
customary among the prosaic highland
peers of to-day. During dinner the
guests are compelled to listen to the hid
eous wheeling of the bag pipes. In Lon
don, at his own town house in Caven-
dish Square, Lord Flies royal hospitali-
ty is proverbial. Here, as in Scotland,
the does is opened by a gillie and the
servants are pure Scotch. The Prince
of Wales likes to dine at Lord Flies, for
the cook there knows precisely the dishes
which tickle His Royal Highness' pal
ate. All the large dinner parties there
are arranged and presided over by Mr..
Horace Farquhar, who has been for
years Lord Flies counsellor, guide and
friend.
Though Fife possesses many man
sions, they are not all at his immediate
disposal. Duff House, his principal
seat, is near Banf-a quiet, substantial,
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08

The bride is the second member of the
royal family to tempt ia tie by marrying
a commoner, or a subject of the realm.
So far as the other one (the Princes IS
Lorne) is concerned, it must be confess
ed that her experiment has not been as
complete a success in a domestic sense
as might have been desired. The new
Duchess of Fife is approaching her go
year. She is short in stature and plain
looking. The Earl of Fife is distant
relative of the Queen, but on the wrong
side of the blanket. His grandmother
was daughter of Mrs. Jordan, the &C
tress, who was the mistress of the Duke
of Clarence, afterward King William
", and was left by that large-hearted
Saiior-King of England to die in poverty
at st. Cloud. They had lived together
for twenty years: The eldest, who
would have been King of England had
the union been a legal one, was made
Earl of Munster The Earl Of Fife is
within few months of his 40th year,
and Liberal Unionist in politics. He
is terribly in earnest in his opposition to
the Irish policy of Mr.. Gladstone, and
not long ago, in a public speech, said
that the Gladstonians should be treated
dS lrdllOFS. OF i've years Ho was
member of the House of Commons, and
in 1882 was sent on a special mission to
the King of Saxony. He is wealthy,
owns a vast estate and bank, is free
from vices and sporting proclivities, and
altogether is looked upon as an exemplary
and model man.
If Lord Fife has a passion in life it is
for Devastating. The forest of Mar
Lodge, which belongs to him, has long
been celebrated as the finest deer forest
in Scotland. Sportsmen who get an in
vitation to go up there for weeks
shooting consider themselves lucky.
Lord Fife is one of the few noblemen of
the North border who keep up some
thing OF the old highland chieftain style
When he goes to Mar Lodge with his
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-08-08
Working Till the Last.

/ was told rather affecting story
a few evenings since. 1t seemed that
there had been employed in one of our
departments for great many years 3
gentleman whose principal duty it was
to stamp with the official seal of the
department the various documents
which came in and were sent out. The
seal was attached to piece of wood
like businessmen employ in stamping
their names to papers when they are
too lazy or too greatly occupied to re-
sort to the pen. 1t was wonderful to
see the gentleman get through with
his work. He would place huge piles
of documents before him, and then
with the seal in his right hand ne
would commence. Up and down would
90 the hand with marvellous celebrity,
and as each document was stamped it
was pushed aside with his left hand.
In few moments the task for the time
was finished. Finally the gentleman
was taken dangerously i'll. The best
medical attendance and the most de-
voted nursing were unable to save his
life. 1t was announced that death was
imminent, and his family, with sorrow
stricken faces, were gathered around
the bedside. In absolute stiffness the
end was awaited. The aged sufferer lay
perfectly quiet-perhaps unconscious
of his situation. At last a smile swept
across his emaciated face and the right
hand was feebly raised and broug ht
down upon the bed-once again the
motion was repeated. The faithful
clerk was thinking of his old occupa-
ton, and in his last moments imagined
he was stamping documents as of yore.
When the hand fell upon the bed the
second time it rested there, and those
who were present saw that Ibis pain
was forever ended, and his troubles
thing of the past. - Washington
Press