The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-04-17
BURDETTS BUDGET.
Some Practical Advice From the
Great HumOriSt.
SHE WAS A SLAVE TO ETIQUETTE.
Where they Discourage Tramps-A Crucial
Tesla Bond of Sympathy-A Dis
appointed Husband.

A woman, whom she once met on the train,
told Lydia jackson Lamphere how she kept
her husband from smoking ''On our we'd
ding day,n she said, 81 made what l called
a declaration Of principles to my husband.
! said to him that it was my purpose to make
his conduct my guide in all respects; that in
our family there would be no separate stand
ards and whatever he would think right for
himself should be right for me-" You see
what was coming. Zone evening supper was
over, the shades drawn and the lamp lighted,
and we were seated for an evening of reading
or sewing, when my husband took up his
pipe for an evening smoke. Seeing this,
calmly drew from my pocket pipe, which
began TO fill with tobacco exactly as he was
doing. As he proceeded, so did l. cooly
scratched a match, lighted the pipe and took
a Whit"
Well, as the woman told Lydia the story
the husband of course gave up. Good story,
as far as it goes, but l can't help thinking
what, oh, suffering sisters, what would have
happened if that kind hearted husband had
not relented, but had kept on smoking, and
permitted-invited-na urged his wife to
join himl What kind of an evening would
they-that is what kind of an evening would
she have enjoyedl Oh, sisters, never no
matter what Lydia Lampheres friend tells
you, never try that cure on your husbands
your respective husbands, that is 1t won't
work, with all men. 1t would cure one of
you Of smoking; that | am sure Of, but it
wouldn't be him. You may safely try it, if
you are fond of excitement of a rather limp
and stringy kind; it won't kill you, even if
you do take your first smoke with brier
pipe and niger head tobacco. But you can
produce the same effect upon yourself with
milder drug.
l tremble-especially about the shoulders
when think what awful scenes may be pre-
cipitated in happy homes by the fallacious
theories taught in this story. Why, sister,
have seen a boy, great, strong, rough boy,
IA years old, so wrought upon by a mild five
cent cigar, not more than half smoked, that
ne has stretched himself supinely upon the
cold bosom of the inhospitable earth and
waited with an unconcern that would chill
your blood for death, his father or the doctor
to come along, and he didn't care q cent
which got the first whack at him. And when
you think of grown up woman, a married
woman, mother of children, may be, starting
In on a pipe-well, l don't want to think of
it, that's all. I've got to go to bed some time
tonight, and / can rest just as well without
the nightmare as can with it and not ''hol-
Ier," till wake up the whole house. But l
cannot close without parting word of warn
ing. Don't you listen to Lydia Lamphere on
this question, for she's your friend, and 1
don't want you to turn against her.
You take the advice of a man who knows
more about pipes than you do about
husbands, and don't you go to smok-
ing in order to break him off it
Even if you don't die, you might learn
to like it as he does, and then where would
you be, if he should want to quit7 Don't you
smoke pipes; you chew gum, if you must do
something wicked. You can worry the i'm
mortal life out of him with that if you'll only
keep at it, and talk and chew great deal at
the same time. That's very effective. You
keep the quid and your jaws going and he'll
give up drinking, chewing, smoking, betting,
swe-no, he'll grow worse about that, but
he'll give up everything else. Unless, in a
furious spasm of insanity, he breaks your
jaws with cricket bat and jumps off the
bridge at the end of the third weeli-Robert
j. Burdette in Brooklyn Eagle.