New-York tribune., 1889-12-23
LOOKING 4 GIFT COW IN THE MOUTH.

now AN INNOCENT SUBURBAN RESIDENT WAS
"BUZZED" By An ENvIOUS NEIGHBOR.
"I am fond Of telling and hearing stories at the
expense of other people said a newspaper man the
other day. who after years Of saving had purchased
neat little Queen Anne cottage In a convenient
suburb so don't mind, for a change telling good
one on myself One Of my dearest ambitions con
nccted with my suburban home next to possessing the
home Itself had long been to own COW and have
pure fresh milk for us all. | knew the milk would
me about four prices II raised It myself. so to
speak, so / put of purchasing the COW until had
all the instaments paid up my house, and had had
the pleasure Of burning the mortgage before my wfes
eyes on one of our wedding anniversary days.
any nelphbor Bilkins. always little jealous,
thought Of my possessions. and sometimes when
would ask him for advice about my house or garden.
and often when hal not asked him al all. he would
give me the benefit of his opinions, which were gen
orally dlsparaglng However did not allow Bilhnss
words 10 discourage mo at ALL setting them all down
to what | thought quite pardonable envy under the
circumstances seeing that all my surroundings, from
my wife down. were OF course rather superior to
those of BHkins's.
"weu last week my fatherin-law made me a
present Of a COW. Things frequently happen that
way You know when you want thing partcil-
larry and can't buy 1t nobody turns up to give 1t 70
YOU and lust when you are well able TO 0uy IL
yourself II comes your way OF It's own accord Well,
the old man allowed me to pick out my COW from
those I'm the stock Of dealer up town, who owed
him money. | suspected, and paid pretty big price
for her / thought secretly but OF course woum hot
admit that she was not D reat bargain A cross be
tween a Jersey and IIolsein, she was and fine
animal IN look at | had rented vacant lot back
OF nv own for her 10 walk about in and the whole
family turned out 10 welcome her and instantly chris
tened her Dnah when Bilklns got home from town
that evening | invited him over to have a look at
the cow thinking myself that he could certainly
find no fault with her. BIlldns looked her all over
carefully and rrally seemed az a loss for blemish
to find in her Finally he peercd into her mouth and
a CLEAN of satisiaction came into MS eye; a.,
"'Ah tust a. / thought said he. How old did
- Five years. said J. -, -,.
She'll never see tWeive seIIi; ss'I ,.. Ty IN NV
voce that could not control. What makes you say
Look in her mouth. said Bilkins triumphantly;
DO You see any teeth in the front OF her upper Jaw
by Jove. Bllklns, ,sid J. there aren't any ,o,d
you sbe a.vcr U. see Twelve no. fifteen again in my
opinion Her Sn UP sS sSn 10 eat srasa becsuse ST she
can't cton r. suppose thcy havr kept her fat
by feeding her On bran mash and such soft stun, but
you've been badly taken In my oo'' ana I'm sorry ior
The scoundrel. said IN return her era at S%D, Sns,
give me back my money I'll sue them and show them
n enc Sav WINS N, regular day ,H so hired
man with a horse and cert 10 take the COW In u
the dealers IN the city, and went IN with him with
LIood In me eve Wren we arrived very much 10 the
Oh, nri.e ~ The DEALER began 10 abuse them literally
er their osc It wss some ,ioG,s, t%s Oeprs, ,d made ,a
them undersa aud Just what opJee,ei 10 sDou, ihe
COW. hui when they did comprehend II. they almost
fell over one another fits OF laughter and when they
had assured me that COWS nevsr had teeth N their
sraton OF the fact by opcn ng the mouths OF several
other bOvnes IN the stables. ranging from sucking
esn ny. FEY lle hiring on, of the stable bows to
kick me all the way home again
Bilkns the brute. told toe Joke all over. too. and
I don't expect 10 hear the end 0f II among
neghbop out IN Mushroom Parh."