Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-03-28

! thrown BACK over the pillow; his mouth
wide open and storing, actually snoring!
That capped the climax of my disgust
and intensified my determination never
to own him for brcther-in-lsw.
How would have liked to tweak his red
nose or give his bald pate one good
sounding rap! But prudence forbade.
"Dat ha'r n dem teefs" were the objects
of my raid, and them I must secure with
out delay. There they were; the wig re-
posing on the bureau, the full set of teeth,
upper and lower, in glass on the wash
stand. In moment had seized the prize
and began my retreat. But, alas! for my
fatal IL heritance from Grandmother Eve!
l must have just one more peep at that
ridiculous bald head, red nose and open
mouth. Horrors! The eyes were open,
too, looking full in my face; and was
only too conscious that my glance in re-
turn must have told Major Barton that I
was no sleep walker, but as wide awake as
he was.
In one breath I blew out the candle, in
the next l was outside the door. Bot not
out out of danger. I heard the major
jump up and grope about the roonn,
evidently seeking for matches. Every
minute l expected to see his bald head
poked through the door looking for its
vanished covering.
There was but one place where 1 could
conceal my unlawful spoils. The garrett
had many dark hooks, we'll known to me
and Prissy, bat never visited by any other
person. I had no light, but that mattered
little. I could tread every step of the
way bDndfolded, and, having never met
anything in the dark half as bad as my
self, did not fear 1t. Softly and swiftly
fed up the steps leading to the garrett,
carrying the extinguished candle and the
wig in my hand, the tumbler in the other.
Arrived at the door of the attic, push
ed it open, expecting to find the vast old
room steeped in denset darkness. To my
establishment, faint CLEANS of light shone
from the farther end; and, advancing, I
beheld sight that to this day makes me
shudder to think about.
human body, wrapped ia a winding
sheet with the jaws tied up with a white
cloth, lay stretched in all the rigidness of
death upon the floor. Blue sepulchral
flames played about the face and hands,
lighting up the pale yellow skin and the
white teeth, from which the lips were
drawn tightly back. 1t looked positively
fendish-as if the fires of Tartarus had
body as we'll as preying on his soul.
With shrek that ran from garrett to
basement 1 turned to hy, when either
hand clasped my ankle or my foot caught
in the folds of my trailing gown. The
wig and candle few in one direction, the
tumbler with the major teeth in another,
and fell prone to the floor, fainting dead
away for the hrst and only time in my
life.
When 1 came to myself I was in bed,
surrounded by the entire family. Ny
wild shrek had aroused the house, and
everybody rushed to discover the cause;
finding me, after a prolonged search,
lying on the garrett floor. To my infinite
relief the whole affair was at once PLACED
to the account of my sleep walking pro-
pensities, and excited lutte surprise or
comment. In somnambulistic trance I
had wandered to the garrett, had fallen
and hurt myself. VOLTA tout. No galvan-
lied dead body had been found, and not
a word was said about the majors hair
and teeth. Had 1 really been walking in
my sleep and dreamed all these events? I
knew better than that, and chung close to
Milly for the balance of the night, afraid
to shut my eyes lest that fearful face
should appear before me.
However, towards day fell into deep
sleep, and awoke refreshed and inspirited
by The bright morning. I was late, and,
dressing hurriedly, I ran down to the
breakfast room, where I found mother
greatly exercised by the majors non-ap
pearance. All the family were assembled
in the parlor awaiting breakfast for the
laggard, and not sign or sound had
been heard or seen of him that morning.
81 hate to hurry VISITORS" said mother,
as I entered, "but il is so late 1 really
must send to the majors room and see if
he is up. Bob," to negro boy who
stood waiting orders to bring in the
breakfast, 'go and knock at Maj. Bar
toms door and ask if he is ready for
breakfast"
Bob departed and shortly returned,
holding his waiter before his face to hide
the grin that stretched his mouth from
ear to ear.
"Well, what are you laughing at? Did
you see the majorf Is he ready for
breakfast?"
"Yes'm, seed de major, ye! he! he!
he! He dom wan no bekfus'. Emf got
no appetite dis mornin'. vi! XII! XII! xii"
"What do you mean, sir, by laughing
il my face when 1 ask you a question?
Go to the kitchen and stay there until
you learn to behave yourself. Uncle
Pompey, step up stairs and see if any
thing is the matter that Maj. Barton
doesn't come down."
Uncle Pompey was our major-domo,
"culIud gemman" of considerably more
dignity and self-importance than the
bishop of the diocese. Never had his
equality manners" been known to fail,
and the stolid gravity with which he de-
parted on his mission he was making
convulsive efforts to preserve when he
returned.
"Mai. Barton sem de oomblem ents
of de season, haw! no! He not feel
hese'f inclinated fur bre'kfus', hum! ha!
He ben constable diseomhoberlated by
de 'sturbaLce las night, ys! he! in tink
he go Straight bone"
"Well," cried father, "this bangs
Banagher! I'll go myself ana see what
all this to do is about"
she won see yer, marster. He done
lock he do m spar he won open 1t gin
fur nubody. Ise ter BRING his hat m
CLUBS, m fotch he boss roun' ter de back
steps, m him beg yer Won none er yer
tex de trouble ter see him Off"
"What on earth is the meaning of all
this? Pompey, insist on knowing what
it isl
"Well, missus, de major promus me
five dollar eff hole my tongue, but dat
sassy Bob done tole everybody en- de
kitchen fo' now, 80 wat de use fur me
ter hole my tongue? De fac am, marster
de hants er sperrits er sumpun done
crrr'd of de majors ha'r N teefs en- de
night m he hain't mex up his min fur
ter interspec' de ladies en- stitch er condi-
n of md him q IN,