The Republican., 1889-02-02
DR. wse's GREAT THEORY.

DR. WlSE'S GREAT THEORY.
EIIdJoa ever hear
-[E Old DIR. Wise,
aud his theories Quoer
ftHli fact. half surmise,
Which excited such vast scientific surprise.
This Old DR.. Wise was wonderful man,
" az mostly to projects and theories ran;
He cousd tell how fever germ acted and grew,
And always could show You dozen or two.
Tho the poor devil lying
Fever stricken and dying
Hs seldom or never contrived to pull through.
With the greatest presumption
He diScoursed of consumption.
And laid all the blame on some parasite sly;
AS for cancers and tumors
They came Of bad humors.
.4ad absorption would cause them TO shrink up
Sht die
But this wonderful man not alone
AS q common practitioner shOne;
For ~hS has not heard how the whole world
was stirred
sFben he published his book, THE Domestic
Outlook:
Or how to Exterminate Rats
Without Ferrets or Poison or CATS"
Way. the plan was so pretty, so simple aud
witty il seemed a great pity
ThaS rssSs by million and billion and trillion
Should haunt human dwellings in country and
city.
Just secure mad cat;
Let the cat bite "a rat.
And there d be a mad rat;
There ends your labor;
He'd bite his ncighbor,
And then this other
Would poison his brother
4sA' see your face dinple with JOY at the
scheme;
'Tis as easy and simple as mincc- pie and a
dream;
The madness would spread
Till the last rat was dead
Het twas most as % critic that DIR. Wise came
No make for himself professional name,
9N1g whenever patient of wealth or of birth
RouLd escape his physicians by fleeing from
earth
Ut. Wise never foiled to indite review
(Which showed that the death TO malpractice
was due.
1t is small wonder. surely,
That man of such skill
Declared death to be purely
~ avoidaDle ill, which ought never to kilt
an gact, he announced it TO be his conviction
That death in all cases resulted from friction:
Fur abe body was naught but machinery Gun.
piug,
@'nle life was the power that kept II running.
Then why should not science
Some cordial distill,
That might bid defiance
To death power to kill
~ou1r unctuoGs elixir, to friction superior.
That should lubricate mans complicated in.
terror
Whenever he felt himsetgrOw slightly wearier!
TkI3s argument met on all sides with great favor
lAee oS reason it really did seem to savor
ErSt'ies- 1t is true in religion and physc,
When the spirit or body is feeble or is sick
Man retains best the nOstrums of pleasantest
flavor.
S'r, 10 held this thought up to more evident
view,
Man accepts as the truth what he'd like TO have
true.
1FOS many prcachcY is salaricd well
For q weekly discourse on the absence OF hell,
Sstotigh his parTot-like lips nothing further can
tell,
Now, in all human breasts is implanted a strong
Illogical longing 10 live, and live long,
Aa,edating De Leon's historical scramble
Through dangerous wilderness, thicket and
bramble,
GTer desert and plain and mpassable noun
tain,
Ia regain his lost years in mythical fountain
The world then, received
DR.. Wise very kindly;
And ere long it believed
His Great theory biindly.
The excitement produced in storm c"lni,
naEed.
ko'G which the famed savant at last Illuminated
That ne, the invinciblc Investigator.
Had found receipt for the great lubricator.
We'll 90 shorten story already TOO long,
y hail WAS secured and numbcrless throns
The young and the gray,
THE religious, the gay.
S~,5Sfnrs AID brothers and fathers and mothers,
Assembled from everywhere, distant and near
"A Lecture on How to Live Always to hear;
No scGiiers were there, their belief was com
plete,
Ard each brought note book 10 take the re-
ceipt.
I;:xnI O'Clock was the hour which the Doctor
had set
light O'Clock, and he came not; haif-past and
not yet
To his faithful disciples grow weary or fret.
NEE o'clock and then ten, when at some ones
suggestion
h sc=ayrtage was sent for the great man in Que5
5ion.
Es went, it returned, and the news quickly
spread
Tc;sa1 tie lecture Was Of FOR the doctor was
dead!
George Horton, in Chicago Herald.