Morning journal and courier., 1889-05-16
NEVER. .

Precipitation never rains, but it pores.- Washington Critic. When man goes out for sspin" on the road he should use ''top" buggy.-Yonkers Statesman.
 Strange to say, the funny mans society is less to be desired when he is amusing than at any other time.-Boston Courier.
 The difference between a carpenters tool and handbill is, one is 6 circular saw and the other circular seen.-New York Jour nal.
 Paterfamilias-C Clara, see that the front gate is down this morning.
 Clara (shyly)-"Yes, papa, you know love levels all things.-Burlington Free Press.
 Our consul at Annoy says lots of tea ship- ped to this country is nnft for use. Dear, dearl Perhaps someone will uow venture to doubt the artistic value of the chromos that go with it.-Lowell Courier.
 Husband-I'm going into business in Wall street and don't know whether to be "bulP' or 'tbear."
 Wife-Don't worry, dear, you will always be beast of some kind.-Epoch.
 Aged friend-You are always talking about your family tree.
 Youth-Yes, of course.
 "Weli, wouldn't, if I were you"
 "And why nota"
 "Too shady" Chicago Globe.
 If we lived in Boston. where eighteen thousand public school children were thrash ed in the last year, and if we wanted to give our boy liberal education, we shouldn't know whether to send him to school or to run him through carpet-cleaning machine. Washington Post.
 He (to divorced wife)-I presume you are now prepared to say, Mrs. B., that marriage is failure.
 She-Well, not exactly. I had nothing when I married year ago and have now sufficient alimony to support me handsomely. Minneapolis Tribune.
 Chicago woman-I want marriage license. My fance is too busy to come himself.
 Clerk of court-Yes, mann Balancing at calendar). Let me see, this is the 10th, isn't ita
 Chicago woman-Why, how perfectly absurd of you! This is only my sixth.-Ex- change.
 ''It's the most remarkable thing,n said old Mrs. Oatcake to her wondering and admir- ing neighbors, upon her return from the cen- tennial celebration, 'twhat we'll educated peo- pie those New York folks be. saw signs iE ten different languages down there, and, actu- ally, in some O the poorest neighborhoods, too. Life.
 "Speakin' of twins," said the old man Chumpkins, s'there was two boys raised in our neighborhood that looked just alike to their dyin' day. Lem did't have any teeth and his brother Dave did, but they looked precisely alike, all the same. The only way you could tell lem apart was to put your finger in Lem's mouth, and if he bit yer twas ave."-Lewiston (Me.) Journal.
 The president of the Theosophieal society of America says that :'in the astral existence time and space do not embarrass as they do in the material existence" We'll, we are glad to hear that. Nothing is more calculat ed to fill man with cyclone of gloom than to be informed that time and space embar- rass as much in the astral existence as they do in the material. The year 1889 is going to be full of bright spots, after all.-Norris- town Herald.
 'You have great country" said sn Eng lishman to an American. 'I admit it. But your climate! It is averred that Americans die early" 'Die earlys" "Yes, sir, and especially your business men," "And don't you know the reason! Is it to be found in the nature of our climate: No, sir. The reason Americans die early is be- cause they know when they've got enough. Public spirited, patriotic and unse16sh, they die early, sir, to make room for the rising generation. "-London Tid-Bits.