Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-12-16

WOfu SOIu ny H. u Iieice.
A MARvEL!-Weare Sure Cure for Heaves is
just what its name implies The only reliable rem
edy science has yet produced Sold by Ii. c. Pierce.
Employer sternly (to Jones, who has
been out late the night before and is late
at his desk )-Wel? Jones-Not very sir!
An exchange says, Rev. Mr.. Smith
preached at the South church all day
yesterday. The Rev. Mr.. Smith must be
a long-winded speaker
Is your father easy to get along with?
asked George, as they sat on the door
step. Why, certainly. What made you
ask? Nothing: only he seems a good
kicker.
l wish l was star, said a Cornell
junior dreamily, to his companion. /
wish you was comet, she replied, cody,
for then you would come around only
once in 1860 years.
Hostess-Wont you sing something,
Mr.. Greene? Mr.. Greene-There are so
many strangers here / Hostess-Never
mind them; they'll be gone before you
get half through.
Mrs. Hinton (recently married)-Did
you know my husband was very i'll? Miss
CarringIon-I suppose he must be. Be-
fore he married you he told me l had
broken his heart.
| WilIie's like piece of flannel, said Tom
my, as he watched his small brother cud-
died up in his bath tub. Why do you
say that, Tommy? Because he shrinks
| when he is washed.
| Foot ball player (feebly)-Did we win?
| Sympathizing comrade-We did, old
fellow. Foot ball player (excitedly)-
Never mind that dislocated thigh, doctor
Take these broken teeth out of my mouth
so can boiler.
| He Cent husiastic dancer)-Is not waltz
| ing delightful? Really, l think when l
die should like to waltz up to heaven.
She (smilng quietly)-Hm, do you think
so? Take care you do not reverse and
| go the other way.
The average number of hairs npon the
human head is only 1901 00 The Ameri-
can wife will please bear this in mind
when taking large, generous handful
from the head of paterfamilias There is
a limit to all good things.
Miss Elderly-I have just been gather
| in. autumn leaves, Mr.. Oldboy. Mr.
Oldboy (cynically); So l perceive, Miss
Elderly. You have gathered them so
many years, l suppose you do it au-
dramatically, it were.
Mrs. Gabby-It is shocking, the way
that Mrs. Sharpe bosses her husband.
The poor man can hardly call his
his soul his own. Mr.. Gabby-Don't you
say a word against that lady, Maria; she
refused me ten years ago.
can of prepared pumpkin, standing
in the sun in front of a Maine street gro
Gerry, exploded and threw its golden con-
tents over Il number of persons. People
fond of pumpkin pie should sit in the
shade for few hours after eating it.
Canvasser-I have here work-Mas-
ter of the house, can't read. Canvass
er-But your children-Master of the
house, have no children triumphant
lyO; nothing but cat. Canvasser-
Well, you want something to throw at
the cat. He took it.
Little Willie Ito his sisters beau)-
You can't guess what I've got in my
pocket, Mr.. Blinker. Mr.. Blnker-No,
cannot guess. What is it Willie? VIII
lie-Its beans. Mamma said you didn't
know beans, but | thought I'd try you.
Marion, he asked, in that style which a
big brother assumes when patronizing a
little sister. Marion do you know that
the earth moves round? OF tos l does,
answered Marion, resenting the imputa-
ton of ignorance; that's the reason
tumbleS out of bed.
Miss Laura-Ohi dear, we're invited
to Thanksgiving dinner at the Beau
mondes, and I've nothing to wear. Pater
Great Jupiter, girl, what's the matter
with that Worth costume in "Gobelin
blue that l just paid for. That will
match the turkey, won't it?
1t having been demonstrated at the
Bay state fair thaa fine quality of ducks
can be raised without giving them access
to water, it would now be interesting tc
know if IA good breed of hens can be
brought up without allowing them to
scratch in a neighbors garden.
Judge-You are freebooter. Prospec
tive juryman-Yes. sir. Judge-MarrieC
or single? Prospective Married
three years .ago last month. Judge
Have you formed or expressed any opin
ion Prospective iuryman-Not since
/ was married, three years ago.
Tommy-Are we going to take the cal
with US when we go to see grandma mex
week? Mrs. Figg-Of course not. Wha
mikes you ask such foolish questions
Tommy-Cause l heard pa tell Mr.. Brags
that the mice would have a high old time
while the cat was away next week, that:
all.
An editor, wishing to give milllner ;
sspuff, wrote that he was glad TO see he
stocking up. The next time he met thu
milliner she assaulted him with an UNI
brella, and threatened to tell his wife
several times before he could understand
why she was wrathy.
Mrs ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 20 cent pounC
for mackerel? Why, the man across tn,
street only asks 16 cents. Fisherman
: Very good, madam. but you mnst re
member that my fish are all hand caugh
in nets 1t makes difference, you know
Mrs Newhand-Of course, how stupid o
me. You may give me that large on