davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10
"With pleasure, madam. What ia

"With pleasure, madam. What is
your name 7"
"Simpkins."
christian name. please"
"Sophronisba."
"Any middle name :"
Katherine"
"What is your age, please :"
THAT'S none of your business"
Pardon me, madam, it is the rule
of the bank to make these inquiries.
l can not 60 on without these inquir-
les. 1t is as necessary for your own
protection as ours"
"Thirty-fve, then"
care YOU married or single?"
"Now look here, mister, you are inn
pertinent. Do look married. I'd
like to see the man who'd marry me,
if he dared"
"Shall ! write married or single 7
Be quick as you can, please"
"Single, then. And as I said, if
you think"
"Residsncei"
Right here in the city"
"Quite so, but the street and num-
ber, please"
That's nothing to do with it. l
don't want you to call, and if you dare
to send police to SEE"
What is the place and number 7"
"Thirteen- place. But I never
saw any thing like this in all my born
"Where were you born ?"
"Same place if you want to know"
"Have you an occupation :"
Now, see here. suppose you
want to know where l got this money.
But I didn' steal it, if that's any sat
isfaction to you. Of course L"
"What did you say your occupation
is ?"
81 didn't say; you didn't give me
chance. / keep the best boarding
house in town; meats three times a
day, and"
"Please sigh your name on this line. !"
"Sign my name' Don't you be-
lieve me. Inever sign anything. only
Every well if you can't write make
your cross"
"Make me CROSSE That's just il
you make me 80 cross I can't. So
phronisba Katherine Simpkins.-
There"
"That will do. Kindly make way
for the next person."
ooh, but mister, say, lock here
What have you got itf"
Got what =
"The age"
"Thirty-fve."
"Does it make any difference if il
amt right p
at might make serious difference u
30 dear? o dear I've gone and
|
perjured myself. But it's all your
fault, you horrid man you Austered
me SO. Did say thirty-fvei did
not mean it. It's forty-fve, so there.
And away she goes in a state Of
great Indignation and perplexity.-
Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

1t was Bilkins' wedding day, and
he was teasing his kid brother-in-law
"Well, Johnnie" he said solemnly
"I'm going to take your sister way of
and have her all to myself, where you
won't see her any MORE"
"Nol Really, are your" said the
kid, curiously.
Eyes, am. What do you think
of it ?"
Nothing. l think | can stand il
if YOU can" ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10
The Trouble a Woman Gave the Re.
ceiving Teller.

The officials require not only MIN.
BILE fingers and active brains to deal
with all these dollars, and all these
anxious, nervous people, but they re-
quire great deal Of patience as well ;
for in their busiest moments they are
often pestered with patrons like this
irritable and suspicious woman, WI o,
after fdgeting for half an hour in tl,e
line, at length reaches the tellers WIN
dow, and seems inclined to stay there.
T've got &c." says she, land I
want to open an account"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

A deadly effort-Count P. Schov,
ualof, the Russian diplomatistis is dead
Sooner or later we must all Schovual.
off this mortal coil.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10
Consumption Surely Cured.

10 THE EDIToR-Pease inform your
readers that have positive remedy for
the above named disease. BY its timely
use thousands of hopeless cases have been
permanently cured. shall be glad to send
two bottles of my remedy free to any of
your readers who have consumption II
they will send me their express and post
office address. Respectfully, 7. A. SLO-
CUM, M. c., 18l Pearl ST., New York.
90Qv1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

The daughter of the Chief Justice
merely wired to her papa, II am mar
ried." She did not consider it neces-
sary to send Fuller particulars.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Clara-Did you notice how beauti-
fully my dress sat at the Harvard as
sembly?
Bessie-Yes, l noticed it sat most
of the time.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Mr.. McCorkie was showing some
visitors over the house. Arriving at
the nursery he remarked; "This, gen.
tlemen, is the bawl room. ."-Harper's
Bazaar.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

He-And why do you call your dog
Sunset" Miss Brimmer
She-Oh, because he's a yellow
Skye, you know. And then the dog
moaned and died.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Apair Of diamonds. Wife-Iknew
| should get my wish at last; the dia.
monds you were so kind to promise
me, dear, and that made you so late
home.
Husband-What is the matter with
youi | have seen no precious stones.
Oh, yes; you know you said in your
dreams that you had "pair of dia-
monds. s."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Pastor-Have you given up any
thing in Lent, Mr.. Parish
Mr.. P. with deep feeling)-Yes,
sir; have given up s27 for an East.
er bonnet for my wife.-New York
Sun
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

"At what age were you married ?"
she asked, inquisitively. But the 9TH
er lady was equal to the emergency,
and quietly remarked: "At the Par
sonage."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

The absent-minded pickpocket ad-
mitted that he had many moments of
abstraction-Hotel Mail.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10
WIT AND HUM0R.

1t is better to give than to receive
especially in personal encounter.
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10
Advertising Rates.

Business Cards, one year. one dollar per line.
Local notices, among local reading matter, 10.
'ents per line for each insertion.
business notices i've cents per line each insertion
Births, Marriages and Deaths free.
Obituaries, Resolutions, Cards Of Thanks, stO
st sdVcrtisins rates.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

A man fails in business for 500, ,000
His creditors levy upon his assets and
obtain $1,000 in settlement of their
claims. How much does his wife
make by the transaction? Answer
S13,000.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Cholly-Ab, Tiedrich, see you
have my trousers ready; ! am forev-
er indebted to you.
Tiedrich-Foreffer indebted Nein,
mein friendt, dose drousers don'd 90
oudt NIT dis store till dot bill vas set
tied, spot cash, right away aind It'll
Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

1t is fitting that dressmakers should
become biased.-N. o. Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Uncle-Fritz, you are past mend
ing. Money, money, always money
| am glad I have not got many such
nephews.
Nephew.-Exactly my sentiments
uncle; so glad I'm the only one.-Ex
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Oun.
A man fails in business for $20, 900.
His creditors levy upon his assets and
obtain 81, 900 in settlement of their
claims. How much does his wife
make by the transaction? Answer I;
13,000.-Life.
Uncle-Fritz, you are past mend
ing. Money, money, always money
| am glad I have not got many such
nephews.
Nephew.-Exactly my sentiments,
uncle; so glad I'm the only one.-Ex.
A memorable affair-"We had a
cane presentation down at school to-
day." said Willie, after an unusually
long silence at the supper table.
"Ah, indeed. And who got the
cane 7"
II did."-Ex.
Mrs. Temperton--Henry, father
wrote me yesterday about typewrit-
er. What is the best kind, do you
think :?
Temperton Immersed in stock ques-
tions)-I like them about "a, with
dark blue eyes.-Ex.
Glad it's raised. Young wife
Come right in to supper, John, dear
/ have made some fresh raised bread
for you.
John (wearily)-I am awfully glad
it's raised, dear. l don't feel like lift.
ing much to-night.-Ex.
No objection. Tenaweek-Sir,
wish to marry your daughter.
Gruff father-My daughter, young
man, will continue under the pater.
nal roof.
Tenaweek-No objection will be
raised to that, sir.-Harper's Bazaar.
Remorse for two. Clementine-Ii
/ had known you married me only for
my money l would never have accept
ed you.
Montague-And if / had known
you were going to be so close with il
l would never have proposed.-Life.
Naming the baby. New Yorker
/ congratulate you on the latest ac.
QUESTION TO your family. Boy or girl
Nebraskian-Girl.
What's her name to be
Well, she howls so much nights, VIC
thought we'd call her Cyclonia.-
Epoch.
A homelike spot. Philadelphia
Con a back street in Chicago)-My
my, here are cobble stones and ash
barrels, and slop cans, and-smells
lots of 'em.
Wife-Yes; | didn't think these
western cities were so civilized. Phil.
adelphia Record.
Nothing new. Mrs. Fangle-Wel
this is strange
Mr. Fangle-What is it, my dear
A man in Paris has taught an ape
to black his shoes.
Oh, there's nothing remarkable
about that, my dear. I've often heard
of monkey-shines.-Ex.
Cholly-Ab, Tiedrich, / see you
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

A memorable affair-"We had a
cane presentation down at school to-
day." said Willie, after an unusually
long silence at the supper table.
"Ah, indeed. And who got the
cane 7"
II did."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Nothing new. Mrs. Fangle-Well
this is strange!
Mr.. Fangle-What is it, my dear?
A man in Paris has taught an ape
to black his shoes.
Oh, there's nothing remarkable
about that, my dear. I've often heard
Of monkey-shines.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

Mrs. Temperton--Henry, father
wrote me yesterday about typewrit-
er. What is the best kind, do you
think I?
Temperton Immersed in stock ques-
tions)-I like them about "a, with
dark blue eyes.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-04-10

A homelike spot. Philadelphian
Con back street in Chicago)-My,
my, here are cobble stones and ash
barrels, and slop cans, and-smells,
lots of 'em.
Wife-Yes; | didn't think these
western cities were so civilized.
adelphia Record.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
sullivan,s s,c1Se Hammer Blows.

The habitues of the Laclcde hotel
have a lively recollection Of the visit
which John L. Sullivan paid to that
hostelry some four years ago. He was
there for several days. and during his
stay was the observed Of all observers.
A number of gentlemen did their best
to induce him to give an exhibition Of
his wonderful strength. This he de-
clined to do, but at length yielded to
their solicitations and performed feat
which none who witnessed it will ever
forget Stepping TO the bar, which is
Of hard mahogany, he laid a silver
dollar on the counter. He then raised
his right hand and brought his fist
down upon the coin with tremendous
force. Upon raising his hand it was
seen that tho coin was stamped deep
into the bar and could with difficulty
be extracted. Every letter and line Of
the device was reproduced in the hard
wood and remained plainly legible for
two years, in spite of the frequent
scrubbings to which it was subjected.
st. Louis Post-Dispatch.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Sc.loolday Holidays.

The holidays we get in after life
never equal in flavor those of our
schooldays. The schoolboy enjoys the
the holiday before it comes, when he
las it, and after it is thing of the
past. Especially if he be sent away
from home to school. AS soon as he
gets there he begins to calculate how
long it is to the vacation, blotting off
each day in thumb marked list us it
slides from under him.
1t used to be source of trouble to
me to decide, the morning after l
reached homo for the holidays, whether
l was as supremely happy as I had,
when at school, assured myself to be.
Possibly the joys in anticipation ex-
ceeded the realization sometimes. The
last week at school before the holidays
always seemed to me to be an intense
ly delicious period. Discipline was
relaxed. Trunks appeared in the pas
sages and bedrooms. Letters coutain-
ing checks for railroad fares arrived.
The result Of the examination came
out to relieve everybody, though not
always to bring tidings of great Joy.
"A sort of fever of excitement seized
upon every one about the great school,
and time, a sluggard earlier in the
term, broke into a gallop. At the end
Of this pleasant vista came actual holi-
days, with the return of young scape-
grace to his family.
There's nothing likeitin after years.
The vacation comes to ward off illness,
to lift the harness off tue tired animal,
to prepare the man for more labor, but
not as a season of almost supernatural
joys. Not as a fairy tale, in fact; but
a chapter of sober earnest dished up to
look like a bit of pleasant fiction
Pittsburg Dispatch.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01

The percentage of crop failure from
adrouth is as great in Minnesota and
other states as in South Dakota, but
the only fact which the eastern press
seems able to grasp is that the latter
sstate is on the verge of absolute destl-
Stution. The following dispatch has
lsstarted out dated at Waterville, Min
nesota, Oct, "a, but ten to one before 1t
HRets east of Chicago it will be charged
ssup to some Dakota point:
' 1t is almost impossible to state the
Severity of the drouth i'll this region
sand its evil effect if it should freeze
sswithout rain. AL creeks and rivers
/ are dry and have been for some time,
and lakes were never SO low in the
history OF the country. Only the best
fOf wells furnish any water and many
think that it is unfit for use. Certain
1T is that there is much sickness, but
whether this is the cause or not it is
impossible to say. Farmers southeast
sof here in Blooming Grove have been
lhauling water for some time for do
mestic use and for watering stock
from distance of over six miles. Re-
I cent excavations in the village show
& perfectly dry earth at the depth of
seven feet.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
4 EonIisI, ,s,nal.

The other day as lay in my hammock
saw huge toad winking and blinking
iazily under the large leaf of a foliage
plant. Lie looked contented and happy,
and just as ii he didn't care whether
school kept or not. a humble bee came
blzzinss around the flowers. That toad
opened his eyes, looked around, deliber-
afesy wiilked one eye at me, and then to
ali appearances went to sleep again. He
was not asleep, however, for the next
moment. when the adventurous bee
came q trii.e nearer, he made a little
spring, opsned his countenance till
thought he would actually drop in two,
there was y red tiash-and the bee had
disappeared. | was just beginning to
wonder where it had gone. when l Oh
served the tead begin to look melancholy
l tlen noticed that his white vest was
pared out like ;la a!ler.nan's. In less
time than it takes to tell it he was the
most lonesome looking toad ever saw.
lie seemed to reflect a minute, and
then he got into the attitude in whicl,
the old prints represent Nebuc,:,lnezzar
when he was ont TO pasture His big
inotith was Close to the ground, while
his hind feet stood on tiptoe He had
swallowed something hot and was now
going to get rid of it by reversing the
process. After several violent efforts
during which his whole anatomy heaved
with emotion, the troublesome Jonah
was elected and lay on the grass before
him. The toad wasn't win.iing at me
any more. Instead he was venting looks
of revengeful spite at the unfortunate
author of all his troubles, which by this
time presented a sorry appearance. Soon
he cautiously approached and with a
like movement the bee again
this time to stay. For
moment the toad moved cautiously, as
if to avoid stirring up again that burning
fire beneath his vest, and then seeing
that it was all right hoped back with
an elated air and went to sleep under the
leaf.-Syracuse Jollrnal.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Athletic Sports Growing in Popularity.

Baseball, horse racing, yachting,
rowing, sparring, and a number Of
other manly diversions divide the at
tention of the whole people, but few
failing to have their sympathies enlist
ed in one or the other of these pas
times. A proper degree Of attention
paid to all sorts of manly sports, and
to athletics especially, will do much to
promote health and contentment
among the people, and will moreover
serve to gradually modify one of the
most pronounced and not particularly
Admirable traits in the American char
acter, namely, q too absorbing appli-
cation to strictly commercial matters.
This all absorbing rush after gain has
kept in abeyance many OF the more
attractive traits of the American char
acter, hence it is matter for congra-
tulation that there is a growing ten
dency towards giving more time to
healtlful amusement and manly eSer-
else, as Indicative of healthful change
of habits.-New Orleans Picayune.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Tow to Sell Goods.

"How to sell goods?" repeated New
York merchant after Il Star reporter.
sit depends upon the man. That is
the whole secret. Like the old parody
on Victor Hugo, If you want to be a
good salesman, you must educate your
grandmother. A good salesman i.
born, not made In the first place you
must be able to size up your pur-
chaser all through. Ifyou tell a racy
story to church deacon, orif you Of
fer prohibitionist candidate for JUS
tice drink out of your private bottle,
or if you try to get the village free
thinker to direct you to prayer meet
ing, you will make an expensive mis-
take. You must, like st. Paul, be all
things to all men, and, more than that,
the right things to the right men.
You can't sell two men in the same
way. You must attack each man diff
ferently. You must catch a man when
he is net busy and when he is not
tired. N.hen YOU do go for a man, go
for linn horse, foot and dragons.
Don't give him a chance to get away
froia you, but hold on to him until
you @.ld him. You must be prepared
for very possible reception, and for
cye.y possible and impossible objec-
ton and suddenly you find you have
sold u big bill, and you have TO go over
the thing slowly afterward to find out
how YOU did it"
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Eeccl,cr and the DOG,

AS a child. Henry Ward Beecher
was not remarkable for prccocity. His
spelling was refreshingly original, and
the catechism was q hopeless STUN
bling block lie could sew, darn and
knit, or chop wood better than lie
could master the mysteries Of gram
mar or mathematics. A bonnie, gold
en- curled boy, he was full of cliildisl,
courage. When going to school, the
Beecher children used to say, What
if a great big dog should come out at
us?" and Henry would answer ~
would take an ak and chop his head
Off" This was curiously prophetic.
Long afterward, in brooklyn, Mr..
Beecher saw through his window a
rabid dog foaming on the sidewalk. a
number of children were playing lii
the road. Without an instant's delay
he seized an ak, opened the door and
rushed out. The dog sprang at him,
but was felled by n Single blow.
True Flag
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01

There seems to be great deal of
unnecessary discussion as to the rela-
tive order in which the new states are
to enter the Union, but aside from
the little honor which may attach to
the fact of being the thirty-ninth in
stead of being the fortieth or forty
first state, the issue does not appear to
be burning one. OF course, South
Dakota feels that she is entitled to
lead the list, but even if she does not,
her senators and congressman will
stand on the same footing as those not
only of the other new states but of all
the states, the moment the proclama-
tion is issued. And this seems to be
one of the most vital benefits of state
hood-this matter Of representation
and voting power in congress.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Fashions in Handouts.

"There is quite a variety in hand
cuffs" he continued, as he opened q
large show case where in polished steel
and dazzling nickel hundreds of these
bracelets g1ittered. "The old style
Handwriting was poor thing at best,
and where the prisoners hands were
small and easily compressed into the
same size as the wrist, there was little
trouble in getting out of them. The
modern cuff is made to fit any wrist,
the steel bow passing through the lock
being rachel allowing the cuff to be
closed as tight as desired, but loosened
only when unlocked"
"Do prisoners ever get out of these
handcuffs2"
"Well, very seldom. An old time
expert if left alone with one hand may
pick the lock on t,ie cuff of the other.
Here is "a form of calf to prevent this.
You see between the cuifs instead Of
the ordinary link is a steel bar about
twelve inches long which effectually
keeps the hands apart. Some time ago
getting out of hanecuffs was a COM
mon manifestation with so called
spiritual mediums The trick was
done by introducing piece OF quill
shaved down fine between the rachel
and bolt. By striking a number of
blows with the steel bow of the cuff
against some hard substance, the bolt
is made to jump the rachets sufficient
ly to free the hands. This, however,
we have got over by means Of a double
lock, which is warranted to defy the
efforts of the spiritual friends of
Nine. Diss dc Bar herself. There
is another variety Of handcuff, where
there are three cuffs instead of two.
They are mainly used by sheriffs in
transporting prisoners by rail, the third
cuff being fastened to the arm of the
car seat. Sometimes three prisoners
are shackled together with them, when
they are in such an awkward position
that running away becomes an impos-
sibility, as they would tumble over
each other. ."-Cleveland Plain Dealer
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01

The press OF the state is stacking
up lots of work for the first legisla,
ture. The Dakota Ruralist wants the
millers called down for making IS to
100 per cent. profit on the flour they
sell; the Dayison County Gazette
calls attention to the urgent need Of
radical reform in the outrageous tax
penalty system; Conklin's Dakotian
is following up its demand for strln-
gent laws against usury; and eSioux
Falls Press suggests that some of the
railroads, which are unfairly discriml-
mating in rates against Dakota job
bers, may have to be disciplined. All
of which calls for the exercise of q
high order of craftsmanship next
January.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01
Sheep In the Emitted States.

1t is calculated that there are at the
present time about 10000 large sheep
breeders in the United States, besides
fully 1000, 900 small! farmers whoown
small flocks The number of sheep
reared in the States was doubled in
twenty years. being returned at about
22,000,000 for 1850 and A4,00O,0OU lin
1880. Ln 1883 it even reached 5A,
100000; and during that year it is
said that the wool trade III this co!ln
try absorbed capital Of about slUD,
100000, and that the production
reached fully 3oo,0Go, 300 pounds.
Once e Week.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01

Henceforward. the people who feel as
the Chronicles subscribers do will
have to choose between a prohibition
paper or one that openly advocates the
violation Of the law; for the most
radical position which our Douglas
county contemporary took was, in its
own language, the following:
Just after election we stated that
as prohibition had carried we would
do allin our power to keep our town
free from any holes in the wall.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1889-11-01

The agitation of woman suffrage in
South Dakota will provoke a discus
sion vital not simply to the fate OF
that issue but having q tremendous
effect on the whole question Of the
elective franchise. The crying need
of this republic today is not the fur
ther extension of the right of sul-
frage but its limitation and protection
along the lines of Intelligence and
good citizenship rather than restrict
ing it by mere distinction of sex.