The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-03-10

when announcing birth in somebody's
family, always making the new arrival. If q
boy, take the place of his father in what
ever calling the latter may be engaged-as
for instance:
Thomas w Jones is now happy man. For
twenty long years he has worked without ceas-
ing at his turning lathe in Ward II. At 3:15 this
morning, young man stepped into the house
hold and told the fond father to take a rest
henceforth-that he would run that lathe here
after.
The vertebrateless skull then takes rest
until he hears of another birth, when we
get the same dose. Bah! He is the
"chiefest' nuisance in the business. Any
body that would inform him of birth
OUGHT TO BE FINED S.,
in aid Of the fund to provide the q. d. with
a practical, western set of brains. Let US
inaugurate holy war against all such
And while we are at it, let US give him a
fOretaste of what will be here ''eight years
hence, ," when reporter who grinds out a
lot OF pleasant purgative paragraphs leveled
at those who failed to recognize him the
night before will be given long term in
the San Quentin to be established on
Church Island
In dream lately saw
THE NEWSPAPER OF THE FUTURE,
and to characterize it (the paper) as full
grown morning glory would be faint praise
1t was not spread over half an acre of
paper, but was quite modest in its proper
tions; the articles did not take the reader
behind them to the ones who had produced
them to see how many instead of how few
words could be used to express an idea.
Everything was to the point, intelligently
and readably stated, and either short, sharp,
or surprising, sometimes all three; adver-
Users, like the aboriginal races, were given
a reservation upon which they seemed quite
as contented as they do now with their an
nOuncements staring the reader in the face at
every turn, and they paid better prices and
made their statements to the public in a
more systematic and interesting manner
than most of them do now; a standing an
nOuncement at the head of the department
was to the effect that an Edison patent
neck-breaker stood Just inside the sanctum
door for the benefit of those who brought
in cards of thanks; it was opposed to
woman's suffrage and to woman being any
thing but woman; in giving a description
Of fashionable entertainment, thrice
worn dress with the accompaniment of
plain face and virtuouS, genteel conduct
was not Sighted in order that space might
be found for bright eyes, new gros- grains
and rapidity of demeanOr; of course it was
strictly Democratic, but favored giving it's
political opponents chance; it was in
laNOE VI sewerage, DuI uIun NIX
sewage up with your diurnal cab
bage and beef, nor flavor your
matutinal coffee with it; it had no
cranky spasms, no society rabies, nor any
schoolboy whims-it was just a good-sized,
good-natured, well-behaved, dignifed, up
right, modern newspaper, worth what it
cost and costing what it was worth. 1t was
NAMED THE HERALD, and I look for the
dream to be literally fulfilled. Now that
hn 1~nIC on n hnnnSr NJ
the United States is about over for four
years to come and that of the temporarily
expelled boodlers, ringsters and decayed
aristOcrats about to be resumed, you have
a wide and woeful field to work in
ESSAY CAIGH.