Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1889-12-20
WHY HE MARRIED.

y
think that am going mada Perhaps may
be, q little, but not for the reasons that YOU
suppose
Yes, I am about to marry.
And yet my ideas and convictions have not
changed. I consider the legal union an alb
surdity. 1 am convinced that eight mar
riages in ten are failures Less than ever do
feel myself capable Of faithfully loving one
woman-I shall always love all the others
too well.
Iwould have thousand lips, a thousand
arms, that might embrace at once an army
of the charming creatures.
And yet am about to marry.
may add that 1 have but slight ac-
quaintance with my wife Of tomorrow. I
know that she is not displeasing to me, and
that is sufficient for my purpose
She is petite, blonde and plump. But next
week shall long for woman who is tall,
dark and thin.
She is not rich. She does not belong to
family rank. She is one of those girls to be
found by the gross in the middle classes, good
girls to marry, with neither virtues nor
faults.
People say of her: 'Miss So-and-So is very
pretty" They will say of her tomorrow:
''She is extremely pretty, that Mrs. Blanks"
Why, then, do marry, you aska
scarcely dare avow to you the strange
and incredible reason which impels me to this
senSeless act.
marry that I may not be alone.
know not how to say it, how to make my
self understood. You would pity me and de-
spise me, so deplorable is my state of mind.
do not want to be alone at night. want
to feel human being near me, beside me-a
being which can speak, say something, no
matter what.
Some one whom I can waken from s1umber
and question abruptly-any foolish question
only to hear voice, to feel that my rooms
are inhabited, to feel a consciousness on the
alert, a reason at work, to see on suddenly
lighting my candle, human form at my
side-because-bec is hard to &C
knowledge it-because, alone, am afraid
Oh! you do not yet comprehend me-
am not afraid of danger. If burglar
entered my room, would kill him without
tremor. am not afraid of ghosts. 1 do not
believe In the supernatural. am not afraid
of the dead. believe in the total annihiIa-
ton of every being which disappears.
Well, am afraid of myself 1 am afraid
of fear, afraid of my warning intellect, afraid
of this horrible sensation of incomprehensible
terror. Laugh, if you will. 1t is frightful,
incurable. I am afraid of the walls, of the
furniture, of the familiar objects which be-
come instinct for me with a sort Of animal
life am afraid, above all, of the horrible
agitation of my thoughts, Of my senses, which
escape me in confusion, scattered by my an
guish, mysterious and indefnable.
l experience, first, vague lnqufetude
which penetrates to my very soul and causes
a shudder to run through me. I look around
me. Nothingl And desire that there
should be something. Whats Something
comprehensible For / am afraid solely be-
cause cannot comprehend my fear.
Ispeak. I am afraid of my voice. Iwalk.
am afraid of the unknown behind the door,
behind the curtains, in the closet, under the
bed. And yet know that there is nothing.
turn suddenly, afraid of what is behind
me-though there is nothing there, and
know it. I grow agitated, feel my terror
increase, and 1 lock myself in my chamber
and plungei into bed and hide under the cover
erings, and, covering there, rolled up like a
ball. close my eyes in desperation, and re-
main thus for an endless time, knowing that
my candle, left burning on my night table,
ought to be put out-and dare not do it.
Is it not frightful to be thus9
Formerly, I Experienced nothing of all that.
I entered calmly. / went and came in my
rooms, with nothing to disturb the serenity
of my mind If any one had told me then
what malady of fear-incredible, foolish
and terrible-wouid one day possess me, I
should have laughed heartily. Iopened the
doors in the dark with assurance. undressed
slowly, without pushing the bolts, and never
arose In the middle of the night to make sure
that the doors and windows were securely
fastened.
1t began last year in singular manner. 1t
was on damp autumn night.
It was dreary everywhere. The wet side
walks glistened. A moist warmth of the sort
which freezes you with sudden chills-an op-
pressiYe warmth of fine, impalpable rain en-
yeloped the street and seemed to lessen and
obscure the flame of the gas. l walked slow
ly, repeating to myself as went: II shall
find no one to talk to-"
For blocks and blocks searched the cafes.
The tired looking men sitting at the tables
appeared too listless to finish their repasts.
wandered about thus for some time, and
toward midnight started homeward. I was
calm but very tired
My concierge, who retires before IL o'clock,
opened the door for me at once, contrary to
his usual habit. I thought: Doubtless an
other ledger has just gone up"
On going out always double lock my door.
I found it simply latched fact which struck
zne. I supposed letters had been sent up
during the evening. entered. The fire was
still burning and family illunined the apart
ment. I took a candle, intending to light it
at the fire, when, turning my eyes in that
direction, saw some one sitting in the arml
chair, with feet to the fire and back toward
me.
was not afraid. Oh, no, not the least in
the world. Probably it was one of my friends
who had called to see me. The concierge, in
formed by me on my going out had told him
I would return, and given him pass key
And instantly the circumstances Of my re-
turn required to my mind-the cord pulled
without delay the door on the latch.
My friend had fallen asleep while waiting
for me.
I saw him distinctiys an arm hanging
down on the right his feet crossed Che oyer
the other, his head leaning over little to
the left side Of The chair-unmistakable eyl-
dence OF slumber.
"Who is it?'' I asked myself.
1t was impossible to see clearly in the dim
light. ! reached out my hand to touch him
on the shoulder2 = I encountered the
wood of the chair! There was no longer any
one Unero. NE SeetG was eLi}py
Mercisrl heaven, whata shock! * 50 ]
xecoiled at first as if before some terrible
u.l4sol. / JGIned suddenly, feeling
that some one was behind me.
But am a man Of considerable nerve, and
] presently came to my senses thought:
" have had an hallucination, that is all"
had had an hallucination-Ghat was an
incontestable fact But my mind had re-
NAMED clear all the tinse, acting regularly
and logically. There was then no trouble
with the brain The eyes alone had been de-
eeiyed-bhe eyes had had vision, one of
those visions which lead the simple to believe
in miracles. There was e nervous affection
of the optical organs nothing more. a slight
congestion. perhaps.
| lit nay candle | noticed, on bending
toward the fire, that was trembling, and
raised myself with a start, as if some ets bad
touched me from behind.
Assuredly, I was far from tranquil.
walked about, spoke aloud, sang in q
subdued voice.
Then 1 double locked my chamber door and
eo1t eo,oawbat raass,1red At least no one