Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-07-14
ALLEGED WITTICISMS.

1t isn't what a slugger does in this world
that makes him great. 1t is what he says
he is going to do.
1t is not putting things in the right
place that bothers a man so much as find
ing the right place after he has put things
in it.
Flush Youth (from the country )-"Can
you direct me to the office of Catchem Il
Cheatem, brokers ?" Policeman-"Ask
that man over there. He was rich once"
Aunt-"Put on your red dress, Cora"
impossible! 1t would make the
dinning-room too gorgeous we have to-
matoes and strawberry ice-cream for din
ner."
Mr.. Breckinridge-"Hi, dar, yo' folks
Bettah git out. l heered d. flo crack"
Mr.. Coales-"Come back heah' yo' fool
coon. Dat wus Miss Winders smackin'
her lips ober d ice-cream"
Mr.. Hobbs-'T see that Newport, Pa,
farmer has a hairless calf on exhibition.
What remarkable freak that is" Mrs.
Hobbs-''Remarkable Why, you're bald
headed yourself, John" Minneapolis Ti.ib-
uRe.
Old lady-"I believe the Cape May boat
leaves this pier, does it not% Pierman-
"Ges, marm it leaves it every trip. Never
knew it to take it over with it yet and
I've been here getting on for forty year
come this June"
An honest confession: Probationer-
Do you not find it difficult to be Chris
tian at all times?" Parson-"Yes, may
as well confess to you privately that dur
ing the season when the walks are COW
cred with banana peels frequently back
slide" e."-Omaha World.
Sympathizing Friend - weren't you
awfully scared when you saw that the fell
low had you covered with pistol ?"
Hardware Man" was at first, until |
recognized the gun as one had sold the
day before for 81 so. Then [ sailed in
and kicked the stufing out of him."
An English writer says the American
girl "puts on too many airs" No Won
der! An American girl with an accor-
deon skirt, bugle trimming, huted what
beau may not be musically inclined, but
she can hardly help putting on airs
Wickwire -" You lock a little warm,
Yabsley." Yabsley-" | am, somewhat.
Just been looking at an ice gorge, too?'
Wickwire-" Ice gorge ?' Yabsley-
"That's what l said. Took that new girl
of mine down town and she got away with
four plates without turning a hair"
Dilapidated Specimen Say, watts the
price O that ere brown-stone? Agent
"Huh What do you want to know for ?"
Dilapadated Specimen" None O y'r airs.
Pm walkin' to Saratogy, where Pve been
promised all summer job as head waiter"
Agent (humbly)-" The price is only $780,
600, sir"
Customer lin "25 cents meal " restau-
rant out West)-" Gimme a glass O milk"
Waiter Cautiously" Got yer gun wild
YEP" Customer (disgustedly)-" Nav!
Dye expect me ter go out an shoot cow
fer ye2" Waiter (imperiously
got coffee, an we don't give milk an coffee
too"-New York Weekly.
Ingenious Johnny-Mrs. Dempsey-"See
here, Johnny Dempsey! You have been
in swimming. Now don't deny it." Johnny
Dempsey-"Cross my heart, / hain't, ma ''
Mrs. Dempsey-"Careful, sir How does
your shirt happen to be on wrong side
out?" Johnny Dempsey-"Me and Bill
Brown have been turning somersaults all
the morning"
Dan Voorhees, says that he would be
glad to pay for bottle of champagne
every day for the pleasure of seeing Bey-
erly Tucker drink it. Mr., Tucker is a
very ungrateful man if he would not be
glad to drink bottle of champagne every
day for the pleasure of seeing Dan Voor
hees pay for it. Beverly could stand 1t as
long as Dan.-NolTstown Herald.
An epitaph on the memorial slab of an
elderly lady in churchyard in Noting
ham, Eng, concludes with:
She drank good ale, good punch and wine
And lived to the age OF ninety nine.
An American imitator of the above
| chronicled:
He always took his liquor straight,
And died at the age of IS.
| Pure spirits here below his love,
Pure spirits may he meet above.
Mrs. Highup Ito foreign visitor r)-"oh,
no; it's very great mistake to suppose
that social lines in this country are
bounded by wealth. The basis of our
highest society is simply education, refine
ment and moral excellence" Miss Highup
| crushing in)-"Oh, mamma the most
awful blunder has been made! Cards to
our reception have been sent to the De
Culture girls whose father failed last
week. ."-Netu York Weekly.