Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-02-08
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS.
A FALSE start-An eIopement.

A soREw-DRTvER- The engine Of a
steamship.
A TIMETABLE watch dealers
price list.
PRoSnssoRY notes are frequently
classed as paper-waits.
A LADY invited to a party sent her
regrets. Her husband came.
THERE promises to be a Great deal of
back talk IN the photograph.
TINE never flies 50 fast as when you
are playing billiards by the hour.
THEY call it a duck of a bonnet"
because there Is so much bill to it.
The way for a doctor to become well
known is TO make his patients well.
THERE are no flies on me-" said a
stage after the theater burned down.
A WISE man will never lift a lid off q
hot stove with his fingers more than
once.
To THE youth struggling with an in
cipient mustache the darkest hour is
just before the down"
Il WILL now put on my falls suit, "
said the guide at Niagara as he pre-
pared to go under the cataract.
ALI the New York papers are com
planning that our gold is going abroad.
1t can probably afford the trip.
A GIRL may not see much in her
sweetheart to laugh at, but his mus
tache Is pretty sure to tickle her.
WE will either have to quit taking
wood on subscription or lose a good
deal Of confidence in human nature.
THERE Is only the difference of an s
between wOman's weakness and mans
weakness: One is gossip and the other
is go sip
Social philosopher marriage a
failure? Furniture man Great Scot
No. I've made $1,000 this year on baby
coaches alone.
A FASHION exchange says: Bangs
are again in order" Some of them are
not. In fact, we've seen some very
much out of order.
"JoHN, you are not listening to one
word 1 am saying" why, my dear [
am all ear" Il know you are, and that
axes 1t all the more provoking"
THE photograph shows that a mans
voice has not the same sound to him
self that It has to others, thus finally
explaining why some people persist in
singing.
Ject to having you go of duck shooting
with me? Jinks-Im afraid she would
if 1 asked her, but I'll tell my lit4le son
to order her to let me go. She always
Obeys him.
SHE-Now you know there Is no use
for you to go out and see man this
time, like you do at home. You don't
know soul IN the city. He-No, I
don't know soul, but expect to meet
few spirits L am acquainted with.
GEORGE, dear, what a beautiful dia-
mOnd butterfly I looks ready to fly. a."
81 don't see why it wants to fly"
grOwled George. Heaven knows it's
high enough now. The rolI-plate
counter is at the other end of the
store. Come on"
VISITOR Ito press-rooms of a news
paper)-Why, dear me, what a lot OF
machinery you have in this room
Pressman-Yes. V.-And what a big
boiler you have there. PIT is a big
boiler. US that the boiler you use
for boiling down your dispatches.
CASHIER stopping Mr.. Dumley)-
BY the way, Dumley, 1 see that your
bank account is Overdrawn to the tune
of $3.50. Dumley-AlI right, old man
if you send a boy down to my Office
with statement Of the whole business,
I'll give you check for the amount.
"AH," said Mr.. Scourplate, grimIy,
as he adjusted his necktie, eve ave to
put hup with the airs of these society
people hall day; but when evening"
Genes, me boy, they show wot the truly
genteel is by puttink on the dress thai
we wear all day." That's so, replied
Mr.. Crumbcloth with a grave nod.
"You ave a great 'ead, Tummis; we
walters be the real leaders of fashion.
HosTEss-I must apologize for the
salad tonight. My parIor maid usu-
ally makes the dressing. andis an adept
at it, but she was taken suddenly III
this afternoon and couldn't make it.
Mrs. Asinine (sympathetically)-H How
very provoking. Hostess Yes; tried
to dose her we'll, but it was of no use.
She was quite hors du combat Mrs.
Asinine(mOre sympatheticaIly)-Is that
so? My unfailing remedy for that is
peppermint.
THREE AGTEPG