Woodville Republican., 1889-12-28
THAT AWFUL BABY.
He Always Wants to Do That
" hich You Don't Want
Him To.
Unfortunately he Is Born with Legs
Which Could Well be Dispensed
With in the Early Years OF
his Existence.


With in the Early Years OF
his Existence.
After thinking the matter over, it
seems great pity that a child can walk
until it is capable of distinguishing the
difference between fun and mischief.
We wish they could not walk before the
age of eight years, and yet feel grateful
that they can not move about to any
great extent before the period of four
teen months have slipped softly into the
misty past
What a boon it would be if nature
should change and improve in such a
way, as to keep pace with the Age of
Brass. We fancy it would listen to the
every minute prayer of the parent of a
three-year-old boy, and arrange babies
like polywogs, and not allow them to
mature into the leg state for at least
half dozen years after they have an
nounced their arrival with yell.
Then their only bodily danger would
consist in their chances of rolling out of
bed and severing their vertebr@. But
even in the event of such an accident as
rolling out of bed it is scarcely likely
that it would be attended with fatal re-
suits, as no baby ever dies an unnatural
death. Having no appreciation of dan
ger, they seem to thrive and wax corpu-
lent upon hair-breadth escapes that
frighten the little mother almost out of
her wits.
He will swallow pins with the same
delight that he gnlps cube of Guava
jelly, and this no doubt may be attrib-
uted to the fact that he notices his
mother with pins in her mouth, while
making him pair of trousers out of
last years cloak, and fancies them de-
lectable provender. He is always hap
piest when in peril, and will seek rail-
road track before a garden. When he
falls down dumb-waiter or stairway,
his cries are probably affected to escape
the correction that might follow the dis
covery of his seeking out such dangerous
places for amusement. For in these
falls he is never hurt. He is never more
than frightened. The time he cries
loudest is when he wants some bread
and jam, and is refused on the ground
that it will ruin his appetite. But in
reality his appetite can not be ruined; if
it could be, the effect would be most
beneiicially felt in the commissary de-
partment.
The time that the baby of three ex-
periences the keenest and most heart
felt modification, accompanied by
subtle, poignant grief, is when his face
and dress are as white as snow, and his
hair, which is naturally straight and
wiry has been turned and tortured into
curls around the fingers of the nurse.
AS soon as he can escape through the
back door in this fragrant condition of
pink and white cleanliness, he becomes
the victim of lofty ambition to show
the shaggy dog how fond he is of him,
by putting his dimpled arms about his
great neck. The dog moves off, not be-
cause he has just been swimming and
rolling in the dust, but because he re-
members, in all its details, the perform
ance of the baby the day before, when
he strung a lot of crullers on his tail,
and lathered him to the eyes with his
progenitor's best shaving brush.
But finally the dog does listen to his
song, and when he ventures near
enough, the baby tries to get upon his
back. After he has played with the
dog few minutes, out pops the nurse
and gathers him to her bosom and hur-
ries him in, and he becomes almost
heart-broken, for he knows he has got to
be washed and have a clean dress on.
After this operation has been performed,
he amuses himself by filling the lamp
chimneys with his mothers spools of
silk, which she will not be able to find
until it is time to light up for the night.
Not being able to go out to roll about
with the dog again. he roves from one
end of the house to the other. When all
is as still as death, and not syllable
escapes from the baby, it is erroneous
to assume that he is in the popped vale
of sleep. He is in mischief that so en-.
crosses his mind that he is incapable of
uttering a sound. When you find him,
he is watching the kerosene running out
of the barrel and feeling proud of him
self for having hit upon such an enter
tanning performance. He will cheerful
ly hang the most fragile and dainty tea
cups on the door knobs, by placing them
over the knobs like caps, and then
swinging the door if you attempt to dis
turb him; and it is a common thing to
find him sitting on the floor playing
with the bottle of oxalic acid, used for
furnishing the boiler.
If he can get into the medicine chest,
he will devour bottle of pellets as
though so many candies, and if he sees
you coming, will redouble his efforts to
swallow them all before you can inter-
fere. But when you offer him one ac-
cording to the directions of the family
physician, the baby will squirm away
from it, and refuse to take it on the
ground that it will make him SICK. At
table, where he is allowed for the sake
Of peace, he never pays any attention to
IL L. l. - 4 4. l.. A :.