Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-01-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

A glazing fraud-a glass eye.-Terre
Hd1te Express.
If a pretty girl doesn't want to be
winked at she ought to keep stead
lastly away from the soda Fountain
Son1erUille Journal.
A Berlin scientist says salt is condu-
Give to longevity, but it appears to
have failed in the case of Lots wife,
NorristoUn Herald.
Beaver-Harkins is a man who al
ways holds fast to the truth. Cleverly
Yes; / notice he never lets it escape
him.-Drake's Magazine.
And now they have begun to in
quire: us Love a Failure?" You
bet it isn't! No, not by over forty
girls.-Detroit Free Press.
Singerly- Jawkins, did you ever
hear me sing '.Within a Mile O. Edin-
boro ToonP" Jawkins-No, nor within
a mile of any other tune.-Terre Haute
Express.
Professor of journalism-M Smith,
how would you answer an unaswera BILE
Student Call it a ''yawp."-Ierre
Haute Express.
/! A Philadelphia man boasts that his
wife is mistress of five tongues. The
average man doesn't ask that his wife
be mistress of more than. one.-Rich-
nond Despatch.
"Highway robberies grow more COM
mon as winter comes on" says a news
paper. The loss of the summer hotel
will not be felt so keenly after all
Merchant Traveller.
Mrs. Gabb (reading) - Wakefield
has millionaire who sleeps in the
barn with his horse. Mr.. Gabb (bru-
tany)-Well, horses don't talk.-Phil-
adelphia Record.
Mrs. W.-What are you doing, dear?
Mr.. w. -Musing on the infinite. Mrs.
W.-You must stop it. You'll go
crazy if you keep your mind fixed on
your debts.-Life.
First lawyerGn court-room)-"What
are all those buckets for?" Second
Breach of promise case on
and the plaintiff is expected to testify
this morning. "-Judge.
81 am opposed to all games of
chance" said Rawson. And vet YOU
got married." said Lawson. Eyes,
and that's why I am so strongly OPP
posed to em.' -Drake's Magazine.
Belle (third season, languidlv)-"O
dear, wish | had been born an Eng
fish peeress!" Another belle (irst
season. =" Why, sweetest = because
you are tired of trying to become one."
Life.
A study of the servant girl question
discloses the extraordinary fact that
the greater part of our domestic intel
| ligence is foreign intelligence, and
low grade of Intelligence at that
Pack.
Even kings must die and millionaires
have their troubles. The man who
sits on throne, or even one who is
possessed of $10,000,000, can't keep
his trousers from bagging at the knees.
Puck.
Asks an American humorist: "If
strong drink is a mocker what is weak
tea?" About five cents a cup, we be-
| lieve. Come to think about it, weak
coffee may be a mocha, too.-Drake's
| Magazine.
80. ma, did you think was lost?"
said Jennie, who had gone for a walk
! around the block and returned five
hours afterward. No." replied her
mother. 81 thought that young man
had found you" -NeaO York San.
| Somebody has invented waist at
! tachment." 1t may be less 'armful
than the old waist attachment, gener-
ally applied after the old folks have
! gone to bed, but it will never become
half so popular.-DrGbe's Magazine.
Agent-Has the religious press much
of a showing in this community? Old
citizen Tin a whisper) the par
son is all right, but they do say that
Deacon Pusley is mighty fond of hug
/ gin women when he gets chance
Washington Post.
"Who was that girl with you yester-
day afternoon, McCrackle?" ''She is
one of the most popular girls IN town,
CUnso." "Indeed!' Eyes, she has
more callers than any other girl, in
fact. She is the telephone girl at Cen
traln '-Drahe's Magazine.
81 tell YOU what" said Springhunter
in Boosting tone, ''my wife is the
best bargain-maker ever saw. Why,
she gathered a lot of dead leaves be-
cause they we fall remnants, and
every night she sings our youngest to
sleep with a lullabuy. "-Detrojt Free
| Press.
Trackman Ito tramp)-"Sure, yez
had better get off the track, the fasht
mail is due" Tramp-''Say, boss.
yer don't tink I'd let it run over me,
do YEP" "Begorra, it isn't that fear.
but the engineer will tex the nose of
yez for red light and shtop the train"
-Teras SittingS.
Jinks-Johnson wants to borrow
f10 from me. Is he good for that
amount? Binks-Yes, with proper
securities. Jinks-What would you
suggest? Binks-A chain and pad
/ lock, pair of handouts, and dog.
+ That would be enough, think, to hold
/ him.-LondOn Tit BITS.
"You should never point, Johnnie"
said Mrs Brown, as they left the store.
1T is rude" But what are you to do,
ma, when you don't know the name of
the thing?" Why" she returned,
''let the clerk show you everything in
the store until he comes to the right
one. "-NeaO York. Sun.
Mrs. Blinks-.'You did nobly at
church to-day. Instead of going to
sleep during the sermon you listened
attentively to every word" Mr..
Blinks-..Best sermon | ever heard.
i IT, 1nor into