The Republican., 1889-04-20
Mark Twain in His Element.

day evening, rendered to the ALI
American and Chicago clubs, on
their return from the trip around the
world, Mark Twain. the famous hu-
Emorist, spoke as follows:
Though not a native, as intimated
oy the chairman, have visited, a
great many years ago, the Sandwich
lslands-that peaceful land, that
beautiful land. that far-off home of
4 profound repose and soft ,dolence anu
dreamy solitude. where life is one
long, slumberless Sabbath, the eli
mate one long. delicious summer
day, and the good that die experience
no change, for they but fall asleep in
] one heaven and wake up in another.
tfAnd these boys have played base
ttheref Base kall, which is tue
g%eMtsymhDsof the outward and Wis
ihle expression of the drive and push
and IRISH and struggle of the raging,
tearing, booming nineteenth century.
One cannot realize it. The place and
the fact are so incOngruous it's like
interrupting funeral with a circus.
Why, there is no legitimate point of
contact, no possible kinship between
base bali and the Sandwich Islands &;
base ball is all fact, The islands all
sentiment. In base ball you've got
to do everything just right or you
don't get there in the islands you've
got to do everything just wrong or
you can't stay there. You do it
wrong to get it right, for if you do it
right you get it wrong; there is not
any way to get it right but to do it
wrong, and the WrOnger you do it
the Fighter it is. The natives illus
trate this every day. They never
mount a horse from the Iarboard side !;
they always mount him from the
starboard on the other hand, they
never milk a COW on the starboard
side, they always milk her on the
larboard ; it's why you see so many
short people there-they have got
their heads kicked off. When they
meet on the road they don't turn to
the right, they turn out to the left
And so, from always doing every
thing wrong end first that way, il
makes them left ft-handed-left-ha hand
ed and cross-eyed they are all so.
When a child is born the mother
goes right along with her ordinary
work, without losing half day-it's
abe lag her that knocks off and goes
tI1ed till he gets over the circum-
stances. And those natives don't
trace descent through the male line,
but through the female. They say
they always know who child's
mother was.
Well, that odd system is well
enough there. because there a woman
often has as many as six or seven
husbands, all at the same time, and
all probably married to her. Yet
there is no fussing. no trouble. When
a child is born the husbands all meet
together in convention, in a perfectly
orderly way, and elect the father.
And the whole thing is perfectly fair.
Of course you can't keep politics out
you couldn't do that in any coun-
try and so if three of the husbands
are Republicans and four are Demo-
Gratis it doesn't make any difference
how strong Republican aspect the
baby has got, that election is going
Democratic every time, and in the
matter of that election those poor
people stand at the proud altitude of
the very highest Christian civiIiza-
ton. for they know as well as we that
all women are ignorant, and so they
don't allow that mother to vote.
The native language is soft and
liquid and flexible, and in every way
efficient and satisfactory till YOU get
mad; then there you are; there is
not anything in it to swear with.
Good judges say it is the best Sunday
language there is, but then, all the
other six days in the week, it Just
'hangs idle on your hands; it isn't
any good for business, and you can't
work a telephone with 1t. Many
time the attention of the missionaries
has been called to this defect, and
they are always promising they are
going to fix it; but no, they 60 fool
ing along, and nothing is done.
Speaking of education, everybody
there is educated, from the highest
to the lowest; in fact, it is the only
country in the world where education
is universal. And yet every now and
then you run across instances of ig-
norance that are simply revolving,
simply degrading to the human race.
Think of it-there the ten takes the
ace. But let US not dwell on such
things, they make person ashamed.
We'll, the missionaries are always
going TO fix that, but thew Dut il off