The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1889-05-24
WHAT THE WITS SAY.


ueh.AAS, eucy diWaSS ElIcn tnelr
tents.
There is nothing in the language
of flowers 80 eloquent as q pair of
pressed tulips.
One-half of the world doesn't know
how the other hultlivcs, hut it isn't
for want of trying to find out.
Iowa has n doctor by the name of
tiustayus Duck. lie objects to be-
ing called II quack doctor, however.
1t was II Boston society girl that
wanted to know the relationship ex.
listing between the smelling furnace
and the smelt.
The pugilist boxes his man before
he lays him out. The undertaken, OH
the contrary, lays out his man before
lie boxes him.
lti is stated that cows only live
fifteen years, but you can never get
people who reside ut n boarding
house to believe it.
Poet-"Alr. Reviewer, l hope you
will deal rs gently as possible with
my book" l will; I'll say moth.
ing whatever about it,"
All this anxiety about the elc-
walton of the stage is quito unneces-
sary. The stage can elevate itself,
because it has wings and flies.
We sometimes find poor person
claiming relationship with IL rich one
OF the same nnmc, but never a rich
one claiming relationship with u
poor ono.
1t always bothcrs n Frcnchman
who is learning English to read one
day that n murder has been commit
ted, and the next day that the muir
dcrcr had been committed.
Some scientific men declare that it
is impossible for man to think with
out words. That may he, but VIC all
know that it is possible for man TO
use words without thinking.
An Independent old lady, speaking
OF Adams naming all the animals.
said she didn't think lie deserved any
credit for naming the pig. Anyone
would know what ocail him.
Youth is easily made happy, says
a philosopher. That is true. The
small boy is in whirl of delight
when he sees man chasing the hat
which the wind has blown off down
| the street.
Brown says that choosing n wife
isvery much like ordering /, meal in
a Paris restaurant when you do not
understand French. You may not
get what yon want, but you will get
something.
1t is said that in some parts of
Africa there are birds with bills
yard in length. II the theory OF
trnnsmigration of souls is IL correct
one, these birds must he the spirits
of departed lawyers.
Little Randall waspounding vigor-
ously at the door one day calling his
mother to unlock it and let him in.
One of the neighbors hearing him,
said: "Why, Randall, you are max
ing an awful noise; what ifyou should
break the door down." "Icould get
in then, was the reply.
Bankrupt's Wife-"Well, at any
rate, the Thompson failure was worse
than ours" Sympathizing Friend
why, l thought it was just the
other way. Bankrupt's Wife-"No,
indeed; Edward only failed for ten
cents on the dollar, while Mr.. Thomp.
son failed for fifty!"
"Did everything 60 off pleasantly
at school to-day, John" Eyes,
mother; but some bad boys persuad-
ed me to play truant." "You mean
they tried TO persuade you, John; il
they had persuaded you, you would
have gone off with them" "That's
what did."-Boston Transcript.
Uncle Midas Ito young scapegrace
ward)-What, more money! My
dear boy, your extravaganza is
something amazing. Go to the ant,
thou sluggarl, consider her ways
and-Young Scapegrace-Ah! that's
just it, nunky; l do consider nv
aunt's ways, but l consider my un.
cle's means"
A celebrated barrister, retired from
practice, was one day asked his sim
cere opinion of the law. "Why, the
fact u.s." reioined he. "If any man
were to claim the coatupon1 my back,
and threated my refusal with a law
suit, he should certainly haveit, lest,
in defending my coat, l should lose
my waistcoat also"
Business Changes.-"A year ago."
he said, 81 sold out my drug bust.
hess and went to Wall street, and in
less than IL weeks time doubled nv
capital. That making money fast,
ch?" Eyes, indeed. You must be
very rich now. well, no; not very.
At the expiration of the second week
left Wall street, and am now clerk.
ing for the man | sold out to-"
Husband-"Aly dear, these trous.
ers are frayed at the bottom" Wife
-"They IRE the best you've got.
John, except your dress trousers"
Husband-"Wcll, give those to inc.
] have an important interview to.
day in which expect to he ut differ.
ent times proud, naughty, Indifferent.
dignified and perhaps IL triic dis.
dainful. A man can't be all that sue.
cessfully with fringe on the bottom
of his trousers.