News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-02-14

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of the ready wit of the Celtic race yes
terday. A turbulent Irishman, some
what the worse for liquor, was brough
up before him for disorderly conduct
1t required the united efforts of tw
bluecoated gents to arraign him at tn
bar of justice.
"What brought you herel" asked tn
little Judge. cycling the culprit sternly
"Two policemen" was the unabashet
answer.
"Didn't drink have something to d,
with it1''
''To be sure" quickly responded th'
Hibernian. 'tThey were both drunk.
-Ne.o York Star.
A CASE OF MUST.
''No, Mr.. Sampson, she said sweet
ly, II can never be your wife. We
would not be happy. You are too ex
travagant in your habits"
"Extravagant he repeated. "Yor
have been misinformed, Miss Lulu.
am as economical as Brooklyn deacon
Why, have to be-"
"rhen can never be your wife, Mr..
Sampson"
"Because / am economical
No, because you have to be econom-
ical. "-Once Retk.
stock,
The dark and dismal pawnshops hold with
care;
Full many a stolen watch is placed in hook
Where three balls dangle o or the thorough
| fare.
-Je,celer's Weekly.
NOTHING TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
Editor ito gentleman just arrived)-
We don't want any poetry.
Gentleman-No!
Editor-Nor prose.
Gentleman-Nol
Editor-Nor blank verse.
Gentleman-How would two-dollnr
bill suit you for years subscription in
advance.
Edtor-Why, my dear sir, why didn't t
you say so at frstl (To office boy
James, give this gentleman n couple of
chairs and the floor to spit on.-
Epoch.
THE DEACoN's PARROT.
The pleasing story of Deacon 5tapIos-s
parrot is being told IN Boston nowadays,
and is worth reteling here. One day,
when tue Deacon's wife was doing up
pickle s, the parrot, whom her back was
turned, stole q pickle from the dish
Mrs. Staples turned in time to see the
theft, and threw a knife Mt the parrot
with such force and accuracy that it
took all the feathers smoothly off the
birds head. For days the parrot was
disconsolate Mt the loss of his topknot,
but recovered in course of time. Soon
afterward clergyman camo to spen1
Sunday at Deacon Staples's, aud the
parrot was in the dining room when the
guest came to breakfast. The parson
was bald; his head was rs smooth as q
door knob. The parrot looked nt him
with interest, and then, rs heads were
bowed while the minister said grace, the
bird screamed with distinctness:
"Ha We old scamp! Been stealth
pickles I"
LINES, DY A brute.
Oh, woman, in our hours of ease,
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
And always in the wrongi
When pain and anguish wiring his brow,
You go to sleep and don't care how
The old man gets along.
Life.
ITS REDEEMING FEATURE.
"Oh, the terrible pawnshops" said
the actress to Paperwate, who had res
cued her diamonds. "What tales of
misery those places could unfold had
they tongues!"
"Even pawnshop has its redoeming
feature" responded Paperwate.
"What is it, I'd like to know2"
"The ticket.
LENGTH AND BREADTH.
He-My views on social reform are
quoted in full.
She-Wasn't it very long speech
you made?
He-Why, no; I wasn't aware of say
ing very much.
She-N-no, you didn't say very much.
was referring to the length of the
speech.
HER WISH.
Hell am carried away with my pas
sion for you. I
She-I wish you were, but you arc
not; you are still here.
IN THE DRUG STORE.
"Give me something alkaline, quick
-Gninine, aloes, rhubarb, anything,
ugh"
Drug Clerk (anxiously)-What's the
matter r-sickl
-'1 should say SO. just licked one Ut
the last issue of two-cent stamps. -
B0ston Post.
DISPOSED TO BE SERIOUS.
Aspiring Author-Of course you are
fond of poetry, are you not, Miss Whip
perly
Miss Whipperly-My maid is, be
| lieve; but let us talk OF something seri
GUS. Tell me all about the entries fol
the dog show.-LJ6.
A HAPPY COUPLE.
Wife-What happy looking couple
those two are ! wonder how Ions
they've been married
Husband-Oh, guess they're only
engaged.-Neao York. Weekly.
A PAINFUL THOUGHT.
A fashionable boarding school il
New York teaches its pupils how to en-
asparagus. 1t is painful thought tina
there are thousands of girls-nice girls
the world, from the cradle 10 the grave
without receiving single lesson in The
art of eating asparagus. us.-Norristou
HelaId.
A DISTINCTION
'Ha, Wnab s bne ull1erence between
thief and kleptomaniac p
"Oh, about $40, 900 year. The ont
who hasn't it is the thief. ."-Bazar.
ONE REGULARITY.
Miss Overtherhine (of Cincinnati ut {
swell entertainment)-So you thinl
that our society is somewhat queer, Mr.
Gotham2
MIR. Gotham-It has its peculiar ties
Miss Overtherhine; for instance, neve
ate hot sausages in q dress-coat befor,
at an evening party.-Bazar.
PRIDE OF STATION.
Prima Donna (proudly)-If that is tn,
Prince of Wales ut the door, tell hin
that the queen OF the operatic stag
has no desire to associate with mer,
princes.
Maid-It is not the prince, madam: i