The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1889-01-30

How To Run Them ON strictly Religious
Principles.

How To Run Them ON strictly Religious
Principles.
A short time ago, as Mr.. Alright,
General Manager of the Gripsack Rail
road, running between Chicago and
the setting sun, was in his office, man
came in and demanded employment en-
tain sect. This man had never been on
railroad, nor had he any experience
of the world on wheels. But he had
heard that the manager was of the
same faith as himself TO this visitor
Mr.. Alright responded with joyful
alacrity:
"Oh, certainly, we will give you a
position We are running the Gripsack
Railroad entirely on religious princi-
Piles. We never inquire into mans
capacity, honesty, or sobriety. All we
want to know is the church he belongs
to-"
Here the manager rang n bell, a
clerk appeared, and the applicant, "A
Methodist lay preacher, good in SER
monizing and taking up collections,
was appointed conductor, as his chapel
experience had taught him TO exhort
would-be dead-heads and take up fares.
His principles were on the broad gauge.
After him came Presbyterian
deeply imbued with the covenanting
doctrine of eternal damnation. He
was Immediately appointed engineer
on the John Knox engine" his ia
vorite prayer was 40, Lord, grant that
/ may be right, for I'm awful hard to
turn"
A Home Ruler who hailed from the
Old Dart and belonged to the ancient
faith was duly engaged and ordered to
report TO the engineer of the Daniel
O'Connell" locomotive. 1t was called
after the great Liberator because it was
a clear the-track engine, and Daniel
once remarked that lac never heard OF
law through which he could not drive
a coach and-four.
The next applicant was red-headed
Orangeman just out from Eelfast.
They put him on the "Boyne Water, u
which runs on the narrow-gauge. A
curious fact about this line is that the
engineers suffer from peculiar bilious
ness that makes everything seem vel
low, and when the green flag. the dan
ger signal, is hoisted, they are sure to
run foul of it.
The Plymouth Brethren, who OBJ
ject to pay salaries to clergymen, were
made conductors, and instructed &c
keep sharp lookout for dead-heads.
A Christ Church Episcopalian, who
prided himself on his aristocratic APP
pearance and the patrician character
of his faith, was put as conductor on
the Pullman Palace cars. No one
knew better than he how to treat for
eign blue-b blood IN llionaires, cattle
kings, coal harons, and other distin-
guished plutocraJs among the moneyed
ariStocracy of America.
The Second Coming Adventists, who
are in chronic state of prophecy,
were tried as time-keepers, but as they
made so many mistakes about the
time accidents, for instance, would
happen, it was found necessary TO re-
move them.
The Salvation Army and the follow
ers Of the Rev. Sam Jones were ap-
pointed -pickers and spoilers.
They had 10 do so much in the past
with the hard cases of society that the
position of looking after the hard cases
on the line was just suited to them,
and they had their hands full.
Mr.. Alright, however, had to draw
the line at the disciples of Col. Boil
Ingersoll, who go in for demolishina
all religions. He was afraid they were
too much given to knocking dorm,
land that" quoth he, won't suit the
= frances of the company. And, be-
sides, they don't believe in hell, and
do--at least for all who knock down
american Commercial TrdCelier.