Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-05-31
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

IN many 4oA-54OtA never gets
abOTe the knees.
THE boss of a gambling saloon may
be termed a vlee-president.
APPEARANCES are sometimes deesiv-
ing. Eggs are not strong, yet they do
we'll in q scramble.
WHEN a couple begin to address each
other as SAY" and you, marriage i.
not far from being a failure.
Few men understand the art of WOO
ing, but women are always ready to af-
ford them an opportunity to practice.
SENSE goes a great way in q political
argument, but yet we have noticed that
cents take q back seat when dollars
have the floor.
SHE-YOu were not so dissipated be-
fore we were married. He-Indeed I
was my dear, but when anybody told
you so then you wouldn't believe it.
Twas ever thus from chiIdhood's hour
I've seen my best back teeth decay
And when within the dentists power
He's nearly pulled my Jaw awayp
-Te10s SytilgS.
To NEUTRALIFE the smell of cabbage
while boiling, cook onions at the same
time. If you wish to destroy the smell
of the onions, burn the house down.
He had never worked in his life and
was about to die. As his last breath
left his bOdy-he was too lazy to draw
it himself-his wife sObbed out. can.
other idle vanishedi"
WHEN a youth sparks girl to that
degree of familiarity that he feels en-
TITLED to call her his "old flame" he
ought not to be surprised if the fiery
parent makes him light out.
"HOw WAS it your little sister cot so
much Of the cake when I gave it to YOU
all for yOurself?" asked his kind aunt.
" Because, " replied little Johnnie. rub
bing his eyes, "she snatched it. j."
KATHARINE GROsJEAN saws: A mans
speech sayors of his trade. But this is
not always the case. Take the lead
ing pugilists, for instance. They are
always talking fight and never fight.
THAT fellows very rich" ST don't
like him" He has half a million in
mortgages on city property" Well,
1 judge men rather by their deeds than
their mortgages. Chicago LEDGER"
A sCHoOLMAsTNR of BursIem lately
received the following note of apology:
VIII yu plees exkews my son Fred for
not cOmming tn skoole, this mornin.
He is ded. Widow H, washer
woman.
Two CONTEMPORARY items from Kan
sas City viii strike the card-pIayer as
something like cause and effect. One
reports the playing of a heavy game of
poker; the other relates that two people
met death by falling over a bluff.
PHILADELPHIA magistrate - Were
you ever here before? Prisoner-NO.
your Honor. I was never arrested but
once, and then it was for deed L was
not quite responsible for. 'Was the
deed committed in q state Ofinebriety 2"
mo, your Honor; in prohibition State
Iowa"
WILL you trust me, Fanny?" he
cried passiOnately, grasping her hand.
With all my heart, Augustus, with all
mysOuI, with all myself, she whispered,
nesting on his manly bosom. Would
that you were my tailor, he murmured
to himself, and tenderly he took her In
his arms.
PROFESSOR - Iicroscopical inyesti-
cations lead us to believe that there are
colOrs too delicate to be discerned by
the human eye-invisibIe cOlors we may
call them. Student know the name
Of one of them, sir. Professor (sur-
prised) Indeed What is it Student
Blind mans buff.
SUNDAY-sCHoOL Teacher Ito new pu-
pil)-"We are taught in the Bible that
when some one smites us on one cheek
we should turn the other to him Isn't
that a beautiful sentiment?" eyes,
ma'am." "Now, if Charley Jones were
to smite you on one cheek what would
you do ?" I'D pound der top of his
head off.
"PA, asked sleepy Bobby, "can I
ask you a question if it amt foolish ?"
"Ya'as, almost shouted the old man,
who was trying to read. well, If toad
had tail, pa, would it interfere with
his iUmpin', or would it help him like
it does the kangaroo ?" In less time
than it takes to tell it Bobby was be,
tween the sheets.
LOVELY WOMAN.
Fair Chloe posed before the glass
To don her tiny bonnet;
She deity set it right, and spent
Most lavish care upon it,
The siIken strings she crossed beneath
Her little rounded chin
Then skilifuIly she made loop
lied al It's dlnaples in.