St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1889-07-21
DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

DON'T GO TO CHURCH.
So much has been said and written of
church-goers and theater-goers, that it
would be only fair to give those who do
not 90 to either of the places chance.
If Minneapolis, however, continues un-
dergoing the wonderful and rapid evo
lutlons where its municipal laws are
concerned, the nOn-churchgoerS will
have but slim chance for existence.
It's an old saying and true one that it
takes all sorts of people to make a
world, yet there are those who would
make everybody believe that but one
SortOf person has right to exist. That
one, according the latest edict and pro-
posed laws, must belong to some church,
and be direct descendants from the
Puritan fathers. 1t will not take long
to pick out those who never go to the
theater. They are those who are too
poor to afford the luxury of even gal
lery seat: those who are too sordid to
eXpend what little money is necessary
for the purchase Of amusement, and the
religious fanatics who look upon the
stage as visible hades, and the per-
formers as visible devils. Like an old
Methodist deacon, who was sure every
thing pertaining to circus was sinful,
able to tell his flock exactly how sinful
it was, and what the sin was composed
of, he purchased front seat when the
fist circus came to town, and watched
the lady bareback riders with the
closest scrutiny. He looked upon him
self as a martyr, and enjoyed himself
accordingly, while the rest of the peO-
pie who were present were degenerate
and unredeemable sinners.
~
Now there is a vast variety of people,
who do not 90 to church. They me be
sinners according to the old orthodox
theories and doctrines, but they are not
all fools or ignOramuSeS. A great
many of them i'll fact are intelligent and
learned men. One, for instance, in this
city is an inventor of some note, and he
has lately been at work Oh a new ma
chine which, when completed, will rev.
olutionize the church business, and
strike terror and diSmay to the hearts
of all missionary workers, and Jealous
members of the ministry. The machine
is to be "drop-a-nickeI-n-the
get-a-sermon'' affair. The nickels
will all go to the owners
of the machines so he will furnish the
sermons. and this will do away with
sitting three hours listening to tireSome
biblical diScourSes and dropping
nickel or pants button into the deacon's
hat when he pushes it under your nose.
1t is good thing for this daring i'll
ventor that these are not the days when
the JeSuitS held everything in despotic
sway. or when Miles StandiSh courted
Priscilla, as then his life would not be
worth one of the nickelS which will be
dropped in the slot. He would have
been burned to the stake as a male
witch in those days. The police COM
mission, however, may attend to his
case.
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Some of the people who do not go to
Church are heretics and atheists, and, be-
lieving in neither God nor man, they,
of course, find no necessity in going to
church. Others believe they can serve
their Maker, themselves and mankind
in general just as we'll by remaining at
home in the bosom of their family.
They believe that in doing right as best
they know how and observing the
golden rule, they are entitled to just as
much reward in the hereafter as those
who go to church three times day and
prayer meeting seven times a week.
AS a rule newspaper men are not great
churchgOerS. 1t is not because they
are dissolute and beyond all hope of re-
demption by any means, but because
their vocation has made them in ameas-
ure cynical, and cyniclsm and the church
do not travel hand in hand. A great
many poor people do not go to church
because they cannot afford the drop
g-the-nicker' process; nor can they
afford to pay the prices asked for pews.
Some of them also consider themselves
as too porly clad to enter into some of
the palaces of worship. and fear if they
did so that they might be refused a seat
or placed at the back end, near the
door. 1t is very probable that the
above reasons have no foundation,
yet there is no accounting for the sensi-
tiveness of poor people you know.
Dudes go to church--in the evening
only-so as to be able to walk home
with some pretty girl who has been sit
ting demurely attentive through the
whole service. Some dudes, however.
do not go to church, preferring to take
their chances by waiting on the corner
opposite. Frivolous and thoughtless
women go to church to show off some
new wrap or bonnet; sensible women,
who are not actuated by desire to hear
sermon remain at home