Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1889-08-29
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Presence of Mind-What He Knew
Winding His Sister-Didn't Want
Company.
WANTED TO SEE A JUMP.

would pop the question to Bella.
Bella-Robert, you naughty boy, what
possessed you to make such preposter-
GUS remark,
Bobby (sulkily) Well, anyway, ma
said if he did you'd jump at the chance,
and want to see you jump.-lSiftings.
AN INJURED VETERAN.
Journalist would like to get pen
sion.
Pension Agent Where you injured
while you were in the army during the
war;
Yes, was newspaper correspondent,
and did so much hard lying that /
strained my conscience, and as every
body connected with the army is getting
pensions L thought I'd just file my
claim.
PRESENCE OF MIND.
They were seated in the parlor and
he was declaring his love in fervent
tones. All at once she stopped him with
an imperious gesture, and look OF pain
overspread her countenance.
"Wait wait she exclaimed in
short, sharp tones.
Heloise, looking tenderly up into his face,
said. "As you were saying, George9 -
Judge.
WHAT HE KNEW.
Miss Gossippe trying to pump him)
is it true, my dear, that there is q
skeleton in your family closetl
Little Johnnie know whether
it's skeleton, mum; but ma told me
there was O ghost in the pantry.
FACTS VS.. GRAMMAR.
''Did you know, Mrs. Thickly," said
that lady's pedantic husband, ''that
man is an animall"
"Yes, / did," replied she, 'and
what's more ] know tlat some animals
is dumb animals, and that some men is
dumber than all the dumb animals put
together. That may not be grammer,
but its facts"
NOT TOO CUMBERSOME.
Husband-The latest bathing suit is
the cheapest and most becoming.
Wife-Do tell me what it is.
Husband-A shiver.
WINDING HIS SISTER.
Little Johnnie-Sister's lost
Mrs. Brown Lost! Didn't caution
you, you naughty boy, to look out after
her?
Little Johnnie-I know you did. /
looked after heral could, but couldn't
see far enough. Sister fell down the
well.-LN. Y. Sun.
GETTING OVER THE DIFFICULTY.
''Such a pity itisn't girl p said the
elderly and rich maiden aunt, as she
looked regretfully at the infant. 81
have no namesake in your family, you
know"
aunt Minerva" exclaimed the poor
relation, eagerly, 1--WE will give the boy
your name with n masculine termlna-
ton and call him Minervous.
CORRECTED.
GLOW much does young SmiflSins
earn in the government service 2 asked
one of that gentleman friends of de-
partment chief.
~ beg your pardon, was the re-
spouse, ''but you mean to say, How
much does he receiver do you mott"
SAD HEARTED SHE'LL FISH.
Glow are you r. said the oyster to
the clam. 80 you are picked up and
carried away to be eaten just like the
rest of us. "
Eyes; it is sad. Oh, if I had only
needed the advice / received in my
early youth !"
''What was thatl"
"Don't be clam. ~ Merchant Tray
eler.
A GOOD REASON.
The New Graduate-I can never be
your wife. We would not be happy.
You are too extravagant in your habits.
Augustus-Ex travagant Why l am
as economical as deacon. / have to
be.
"Then can never be your vile.
because I'm economical
''No; because you have to be.
RELIGIOUS TRADE.
Crir1ple-You may talk about the
lack of religion in business life, but
there is man whose daily work brings
him nearer to heaven.
Indeed Is he minister.
sNo, he runs an elevator. - Time.
wELL-BEATEN TRACK.
Teacher-Can any of the class explain
why the way of the transgressor is SO
hard
Spark guess it's cause it's travelled
so much.
HE FELT MUCH BETTER.
Minister-Tm glad, BERTHE to see
that you kept your promise to me and
came to church to-day, instead Of going
fshing2
Bert;e-Yes, sir.
Minister you feel better than
if you had gone to the creek
Bertie-Yes, sir; COS pa said if l fol-
Tered him to-day he'd lick me good.
GAINING SELF CONTROL.
ssYour husband looks like man Of
great self-control, remarked Mrs. Gadd
to Mrs. Gabb.
tsVall he badn'tmuch when I married