Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-05-20
Late habits-Night gowns.

Late habits-Night gowns.
star of the EVENING" policeman.
Court plasters-awards for damages.
Pleading at the bar-Begging for a
drink.
The first board of education - The
blackboard.
When is a nutmeg like window? When
it is grated.
Walters epitaph-He couldn't wait any
longer, so he went.
A dry goods clerk ought to be good on
n counter-march
The sieve through which the man strain
ed every nerve is for sale.
An unfortunate listener begs for some
one to invent ''noiseless hand organ"
The saying that ''there is more pleasure
in giving than receiving" is supposed to
apply to kicks, medicine and advice.
Guest-Isn't my dinner ready yet? New
waiter-O certainly; it was ready yester-
day. 1t is just being warmed over a
little.
An undertaken having apartments TO
let posted his bills upon the collins in the
windows, announcing, lodgings for sim
gle gentlemen.
Mrs. Smith, who is reading a humorous
paper-I don't see any fun in these jokes
about big bills for ladies' hats. Mr.. Smith
Il don't either.
He-Can you tie true lovers knot, my
dear? She-No, hiding her bushes with
her fan, but our new clergyman can do it
very nicely.
'sWhat is an edition de luxe?'" asked
a customer in book store. at is sim
ply an edition de looks" was the conclu-
sive reply.
Barber-Do you want a private mug,
sir? Customer-No, sir! unless you treat
it with more respect than you do the one
nature bestowed upon me.
She-Yes, we had splendid time last
summer. Four other Vassar girls and
took a tramp through the Adirondacks. He
Did the tramp have good time?
Mrs. Topcrust-I would have you know
that my family moved in the upper circles
of society. Mrs. Blunt-I've often hearn
tell that scum allus rises to the top.
A fellow in Indiana put one end of
gun barrel in the fire and looked down
the muzzle to see if it was loaded.
coroner's jury decided that his suspicious
were correct.
Johnny-Tommy, let's put our pennies
together and buy ma nice Christmas
present. Tommy-All right. What shall
it be? guess we had better get her a
padded slipper
'Disjointed quotations won't do said
one of the counsel in a trial before Jus
tice, ''for 1 read in a book that Judas
hanged himself, and in another place, go
thou and do likewise"
Sykes-The worst has happened, and
can't pay ten cents on the dollar. Spikes
You are lucky man. When failed
had so much property that had to pay
fifty cents on the dollar.
certain clergyman, who recently had
an overcoat and umbrella stolen from his
hall, thinks that the thief is likely to turn
up in the world where neither overcoat
nor umbrella will be essential to comfort.
Old lady,to grocer's boyle them eggs
on the counter fresh, young Teller? Boy
-Yes'm. Old lady-How long have they
been laid? Boy-Not very long, ma'am.
laid em there myself less'n half an hour
ago.
Dutiful daughter-Now, mother don't
ask me to marry that man / admire and
respect him, but do not love him. Prac-
teal mother-Oh, that don't matter. You
won't see him often enough to grow tired
of him. He's politician.
Professor" said a student in pursuit
of knowledge concerning the habits of
animals, 'why does a cat while eating,
turn her head first one way and then the
other?'' 'For the reason, replied the pro-
fessor, ssthat she cannot turn it both ways
at once"
Sunday school scholar, who has been
giving profound attention to the subject
under Observation-Disclosures, you say we
must always love our enemies. Now,
s'pose two fellows love the same girl and |
one gets her and the other don't. Do you |
s'pose the one that gets left is going to
love the one who gets the girl? Teacher
lost in meditation.