Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-08-18
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

A sharp tongue is the only edge-tool no
blunted by constant use.
The professional swimmer plunges int
his work for divers reasons.
When fortune smiles on you don't exam
Inc her teeth.-Ne,v York Tribune.
The dying BARRIERS hands were crossed,
He moved his lips in prayer,
And muttered as he lay and tossed,
There II be no parting therer'
Kalakaua owes $4,000, the most O
the debt being incurred through lacl
OF Judgment as to the value of "pat'
hands.
The boy with fshpole plays Close
second to the woman with baby wagon a
disturbing element in crowd Miirauke
JOarRdl
A pocketbook made of rattlesnake hide
which is so repulsive TO ladies that they
won't touch it. is having large sail
among married men. .
"Yabsley-"Doctor, can you give suf
ferer any suggestion as to the best way t.
stand this hot weather." Doctor Bowles
STAND in the shade"
The Duke O'Neill is one of the character,
of Brooklyn. He is tailor by calling anc
a dude by nature. He claims to have
royal blood in his veins.
Blind beggar displaying a halfdollar
"Ain't that sight for sore eyes?" Dea
and dumb partner-"Well it is-got the
true ring, amt it ?''-Epoch.
A Texas woman attacked her husband
with pair of scissors, and in short order
he discovered that he was cut out for an
angel.-Hutchinson Kan.) News.
Frenchman (about to invest in some
summer ties)-"Show me something hand.
some, delicate and reasonable" Saleslady
WHATS the matter with me?"
1t makes an underwater frown
To drain this bitter cup;
That where ship has settled down
BE has to settle up.
Rochester Herald
doctor, how do you find your patient
to-day ?" ooh Mr.. Jones, he is no worse
"Do you anticipate fatal result ?' "Fatal
result! We'll, medicine never failed to dc
its work vet"
Mamma" said little girl, "you know
the story in our reader about the King
who never smiled again ?" eyes, dear.'i
"Well, does that mean that he signed the
pledge ?"- Washington Capital.
Henry-"So you asked old Growler for
his daughter last night, did you, Fred ?
And how did you come out 2" Fred" 1t
was window believe, Henry. That was
the best | could do, though"
Visitor-"I am surprised that your
daughter Clara does not marry. She is
certainly not too young" Widow" Oh,
no, she is quite old enough, but am too
young TO have a married daughter"
Anxious Father-"I don't see what is to
become Of my son. He seems to be a born
blun1erer." Old -"Um-there is
no reason why he should not succeed as
well as the rest as weather prophet"
Customer" told you | wanted two
hip pockets in my trousers, sir, but didn't
say Make them quart size'n Tailor
"To be sure, you didn't say anything about
the size. You said you were Prohibi.
zionist, though" Thine.
Mother (suspiciously you haven't
been in swimming how did your hair get
so wet" Little Dick-"Thats perspira-
tion-runnin' away from bad boys wot
wanted me to disobey you an go in swim
Ilin --4hcW i OfE W eetCy.
'Tis only an infant pippin,
Growing on a limb;
IT'S only typical small boy,
Who devours it with vim.
IT'S only doctors carriage,
Which stopped before the door;
But why so into details
The services begin at four.
-EdStoR Free Press
Magnificent Creature (actress, in news.
paper counting room -" Oh, sir, | called
to see the paper in regard to very large
number Of valuable diamonds and a guam
tity of iewelry which were stolen from nv
room at the hotel last night" Clerk
" Yes, madame; will you kindly step to
the advertising department, two windows
to the left"
Mrs. Nickle-"I see you are growing
quite bald-hcaded, Mr.. Nickle and | shall
demand divorce" Mr.. Nickle-"But
surely the to me painful fact that / am
losing my hair does not make me the less
worthy husband" Mrs. Nickle-"Not
at all, my dear, but cannot afford to rest
under so serious reflection upon my ami
ability. Binghamton Republican.
There is mean man in this village.
He sells milk-shakes The other day his
clerk had the chills so very bad that his
teeth chartered like pair of castanets. A
man came in and called for milk-shake
and this mean man made the clerk hold
the glass in his hands till the mixture
was beautifully shaken. He said he
saved the wear and tear of his patent
shake-.-Attica Meas.
"What kind of piece of ice do YOU call
thatY demanded the irate housekeeper, as
she gazed upon the infnitesimal lump
which the man had brought. ''Why, that
won't last long enough to pay for putting
it into the refrigerator" you'll find it
more economical" replied the iceman, Of
you would take ice by the season; but,
YOU know, you said you'd get it as you
wanted it." "Yes," replied the house
keeper with some cerbity, shut | don't
want it as | get it."-Boston Transcript.
as it another applicant for charity ?''
asked the father of the family, impa-
tienty, looking up from his newspaper.
"Send her away" SITS a poor woman" said
the servant, whose little boys got lost or
been stolen. She has spent all she had in
trying to find him." Don't send him
away, Williams" said the eldest daughter,
reprovingly. Don't you remember, papa,
how We felt when darling little Fido here
was lost for whole day, and how gladly
we gave $50 to have him brought back ?
Here's % cents, Williams Give it to the
poor woman"
Little Ike-"Uncle Rastus, does cold
make ebrything git littlerg Uncle Ras-
tus-"Yes. it do; cold will always contrac';
don't yo' member night 'fo' last Christmas
de wood pile o Parson Jones dat Ibis mex
to me swunk up in one night Z nex' t
nothin' ~ Little Ike-"But don't you
member, Uncle Rastus, how de pile O.
wood by de side OBJ de stove, in de cabin,
got heap bigger?' Uncle Rastus-"Well,
twas hot in de room, yo' little idyot; heat
makes things bigger. You amt got de
sense you was born wid."-Haper's Basar.