News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-01-24
THE DUDES DILEMMA.

never stays IN the room with us more thai
ten minutes. ."-Jmlge.
THE DUDES DILEMMA.
What shall | do? Go buy an ovcrcoat
To wrap about my slender form?
Or for my Ethel get u diamond ring.
And trust to love to keep me warm?
-Bdzar.
| SAVING THE AUDIENCE TROUBLE.
Young Playwright-Did yon witness
my tragedy last night, Charley1
Charley-Oh, yes.
Young Playwright What did yor
think of killing off all the characters il
the last act
Charley-It was good idea, chappie
because if you hadn't killed them off the
audience would.-Ep0ct.
HE WAS MARRIED.
The car ioIts violently, and the stou!
lady is thrown into Mr.. Fuddle's lap.
Stout Lady (blushing)-Excuse me,
sir, but the car
Mr.. Puddle (sadly)-Don't mention
it, ma'am Don't mention it I'm
used to being sat on by women.-Loucll
Citizen.
TEE BEST REASONS.
"What are you going to do, my dear
Sue, asked Gracie, "if You recover tie
twenty thousand in your breach-of
promise suit ?"
81 guess" replied her friend, ''the
best thing [ can do is to try and marry
my lawyer"
"Why?"
"Because lie is to have half [ get, and
1t would be an awful lot of money to let
so out of ones hands. ."-PwcG.
THEY ARE BLoATED BoNDHo1DERs.
She-Do professors make much mon
ey 2"
He-Yes; some professors do. know
o professor who makes hendsome pay.
She-What is he professor OFF,
He-Of the manly art.-Yankee BLAZE.
FEELING HIS OATS.
George-I say, Gus, what's happened?
You strut along the street rs if you
owned the whole city. Fallen heir to n
fortune ?
Gus-No, but I've been dodging nv
tailor for eighteen months, and TODAY |
We got the money in my pocket to pay |
hIm'-Ne'o York. Weekly.
APoPULAR CONVERSATIONS.
''I-'w- "uLn-0 . SIv, "v--~-- ----~' -
to match my eyes"
''Let me see. Blue eyes and--er- !
sorry, sir, but our blue ties with red
edges are all sold. Have some in next |!
week"
HAD TO BE MADE UP.
Groom Enormously lingering dollar
bill. to minister)-Well, Mister Smith
for the job!
Minister-Oh, about couple O. dol
lars, Hawbuck, will make it square.
Groom reaching down into his pOcke)
"A couple O. dollars with sigh. Well,
there you are, Mr.. Smithers. L s'pOse
its cheap enough, but that extra dollar
is goin' to cut short the weddin'
tower, an don't you fergit it.-BazGr.
"A FINANCIAL BLOOM.
"From a financial point of view, is
your profession O success 2" she asked
the pianist.
"Well, it ought to be-" he replied,
''for I have handled thousands of notes
and never had one go to protest" -
Time.
WANTED IT DONE IN STYLE.
"Inasmuch as the animal you stole
was only colt" remarked the leader of
the Regulators, Eve have decided to
give you forty-nine lashes with q horse
whip instead of hanging you. But We
shall lay them on we'll"
81 have only one favor to ask, gentle
men, said the prisoner, pale but un-
finching.
"What is it %
"Gentlemen, he replied bitterly, 81
have not always been a criminal and an
outcast. / have moved i'll good society
and 1 know the customs that prevail
among our best people. will take it
as favor, gentlemen, if you will lay
the Iashes on in regular checks or dag
Onals. Perpendicular stripes are not
worn this season. &C Chicago Tribune.
THE VICTIM OF HIS CONVICTIONS.
"Why are you here?'' asked the visi-
tor, kindly.
''Because of my convictions, replied
the prisoner, with sigh.
RRoAD HINT.
''Did you see that Tennyson compares
men to trees, Miss Clara?" said Mr..
Staylight rs the clock struck twelve.
eyes. It's absurd, too. Trees some
times leave, do they not, Mr.. Stay
laight ?"-ArgOSy.
APPEARANCES DECEITFUL.
Mrs. Westend-And so you are en-.
gagged to Clara We're de VereR She is so
naughty and cold and disdainful l did
not suppose any one could ever get en-
gagged to her. How did you manage
it
Adult Son-I didn't. She managed
it. -PhiladeLphia Record.
THE MISTAKE OF LIFETIME.
Ambitious Mamma-Ethel, didn't I
see young Mr.. Ferguson paying partic-
ular attention to you last evening ut the
party2
Ethel-Yes, mamma, but I snubbod
him effectually before the evening was
over.
Mamma-Horror of horrors Are
you crazy2
Ethel-Not at all, mamma, not this
winter. His father is m ice packer.
Mamma-Yes, but he makes artificial
ice.
daughter faints. l-Chicago 7ri5wne
TIRED RAZOR.
Customer (after a shave)-Great Scott,
barber, that razor of yours is in ter
rible condition
Barber-Yes, sab, / spect it am. It
was out to dance las night.
IN SOCIETY.
Belle-Mamma, l wish you'd get
"Robert Elsmere'' for me-
Mamma--Goodness me Another one2
thought you wanted me to get that
lieutenant in the navy for YOU VASE
iRgt0n Critic.
A DIFFERENT COMPOSITION.
MaudieCto her brothers fancee)-Im
80 glad you write verses, Flossie,
dear. You and Jack will just suit each
other; he's very fond of poetry.
Flossie-Does he compose!
Maudie--Ive never read anything Of
! his, but | heard him tell pa the other
day, he was thinking of a composition
with some other people--oh! with his
cre1itOra he sai III