Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1889-01-11
SAM JONES IN CHICAGO.
Hs Gives tho Western Metropolis = shal
lug Tn.

Ing Up.
| Sam Jones has put Chicago by the ears
with sermon he preached there last week
| at Battery i, 10 l,.0J people, who paid 20
cents apiece TO hear him spout. He an
nounced the subject OF his lecture IS Get
| there, with the Eli left of, Of course, be-
| cause, as you all know, l am constitution
ally opposed 10 using slang Tho thread
| OF the lecture upon which the many slang
expressions, funny Illustrations and occas-
| ional pathetic incidents were strung to
| gether, was simply paraphras. ng OF the
| idea that true success in life Is only 20 be
attained through earnest, honest and con-
scientious endeavor. Some of the charact-
eristic slangy illustrations and expressions
which were used are these:
1.-THE dude aud the dudeen arc the high
| est type OF modern society. The Almighty
never dreamed of dude when he created
| Adam, and the whole business has got the
start OF the plan of creation. A dude IL a
| little pimple on the body of society, indicat
! ing that its blood is out of order. Did you
never wake up in the morning with little
white pimpe on your facei Well, that
pimple is dude, and when you squeeze 1T
! ii is a dudeen.n
"Hcll itself is only selfishness on fire."
There's such thing as getting there
| politically, but it doesn't amount to much.
| I've. been down in Kentucky and Tennessee
a good deal lately, and they are all III
mourning down there. l amt shouting
much myself. Ny man got badly left. But
| we're gett ng over il, and are looking for
ward to four years of prosperity under
| Gen. Harrison. If we can't get pudding,
we II take pie, and try to make out we like
| IL best. Id RAJ her be Il preacher OF the Cos
| pei than be president The Job lasts longer"
"There are some real men in the world
| but there are also lot of these little fell
| lers a fly can sit on the nose OF one OF
them and paw in one eye and kick in the
| other. You can put 100 of such little fell
| lows in sardine- box, put one cent stamp
on il and send them anywhere by mail.
you hear some of these old Christians
singing %, 10 be Nothing Yes, old man
| Nothing going nowhere and Old woman
| Nothing going with him. What do you
want TO be nothing fort How can God
crown nothing, and how can nothing play
on harp
"Nevcr were there so many people sim
| ply trying 10 have good time, TO en-. oy
hog heaven-plcnty 10 eat and nothing 10
| do. The highest ambition OF nine out of IL
girls is to dance. There is some good in
eating, but my my my what good is
| there In cutting pigeon wing with the arm
| OF dude around your
, II don't believe we came from tadpolcs
| and monkeys, but | do think many of Us
are headed that way now"
"YOu can never put gambling out of Chi
cage until you put progressive ouchre out
| of your parlors. You never play euchre
without playing for something, aud when
you get up from the table whether you
| win or lose, YOU are as much of black-lec
gambler in the sight of God as is any faro
| or poker player in Chicago"
~ never did have but one objection TO a
saloonk,sper and that's the same one I've
got against a house, and that's because OF
the way he gets his living of the heads 81
| families
~ think n barkeeper will feel very com
Portable in hell with lot of you Metho
dsts and Baptists all about him.
~ admire Chicago because it's alive;
but you've got enough hell in this town 10
start o braDch Office of damnation, and
you've got r-T1ty OF men ready and fit to
! take the place Of the devil IN running il,
and good locations for the Office on nearly
every corner
al an angel should come down from
| heaven and announce that not another
man would die in Chicago for 100 years
and you believed il, not preacher in town
could get salary above 50 year"
"The meanest people are in the church
! They pack their pastor in ali ice box for q
year, and then grumble because Re don
! sweat
1.-The more dignity man gets the nearer
death he is. a dead man is the most dig
nified animal know Of
The people complain Of being priest
ridden, but excepting in Illinois, of course
there not preacher who can't be ridden
| But here's one that don't ride. They come
up and put their foot in the stirrup, and
the first thing they know, when the dus
has blown away, I'll be standing at the
trough eating with one Of my hind legs
| and they won't know what's happened e
| them There's not church in the country
! that would have me for its pastor, and mo-
one I'd have for my sheep"
81 like physical COURAGE. DO as Tho
| Quaker did, turn both cheeks 70 be slapped
and when YOU got the bible on a man pitch
in and whip him till his wife don't know
| him.
"Whom Cod hath Joined together let M
man put asunder, and whom the devil haiti
joined together let them como 10 Chica
20. More people can get unioined quick
er In Chicago than in any place ! ever
heard Of"
Don't stop making love to your wife
when you have married her. Put your
arms around her once in while and tel
her: You dear old thing, you are the
! sweetest old thing that | ever knew.
( Some of you will have 10 tell lie TO say il,
but tell the lie once in while and YOU
home will b. the happier
eve talked an hour and 20 minutes now
and admission TO the street is free if any Of
you want 10 go"
"They say Sam Jones is only after
money. Well, what are YOU after. old
cooni If you Il show me man in Chicago
who is not after money Ill eat him raw
without bite OF bread, and he'll be glad
he's ate up, because he Will be so lone
| some -