The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1889-04-24
WIT AND HUMOR.
A parting word-divorce. Puck.

until it goes out of fashion. TER,
Haate cypress.
Even the tiger is not without affec.
ton. He is very much attached to hi
paw and maw.-Pasck.
There has been no typical cradle o.
liberty since the modern cribs were in
vented. -NesO Orleans Picdyuase.
The greatest weather profit ofthis
season is the money saved by young
men who didn't go sleigh-riding. :
Puck.
Chalmers - Love youP Why, I'D
jump off the bridge for you. Miss
Romantique-O, how lovely that would
be.-Epoch.
1t is ono of the paradoxes of life thai
the more wife keeps her husband in
hot water the colder he grows toward
her.-BostoD Courier.
She-You were not so dissipated be.
fore we were married. He-Indecd
was, my dear; but when anybody told
you so then you wouldn't believe it,
Life.
Popiniay-I declare, Blobson. that
picture of your wife is speaking like
ness. Blobson (gloomily) would
MT be my wife if 1t wasn't-Buriington
Free Press.
The doctor-Rogers, derive the word
FINANCE" Rogers (after pause)-
1t comes from 'iinisr an end, sir, be-
cause it's tho art Of making both ends
meet. Judy.
ut takes three generations to make
a gentleman" 1t would sometimes
seem as if the thing most requisite to
accomplish the result were one gener-
ation.-Puck.
Patient-I'm not afraid to die, doc
tor, but | do dread being buried alive.
Doctor (cheerfully) = Don't let that
worry you. I'll see that you amt
Boston Courier.
"Bolton told me he had borrowed
some money from you. l was sur
prised, because | never heard you say
anything about it." mo; l still hope
to get it back. Life.
AS the warmer weather comes on
metals will begin TO expand. A $40
piece reaches great deal further when
the gas-man and goldman have re-
Taxed their grip.-Pack
A young physician was showing a
friend a recent purchase that he had
made in the way of u skeleton. Every
interesting commented his friend.
"One of your patients, doctor. Life.
She-There are not so many elope-
ments now as there have been. He
No; they are out of season. She-Sea-
sonl What has that to do with itP
He-Everything. 1t is not fly time
now Time.
Theresa-O, Mabel! Have you heard
that dreadful rumor that Aggie has
been taken to an insane asylumP
Mabel-Well, rather thought that
las$ bonnet of hers would do the fatal
work. Time.
"How do you get along at school.
Charleyp Do you keep up with your
CLASP" keep up with the class
That isn't anything to do. It's how to
get ahead of the teacher that worries
me. "--Burdette.
Mrs. Any husband is beginning
to reform. Mrs. B-IndeedP7 / saw
him going in a barroom to-day Mrs.
M.--Yes, | know. He went in for a
glass of whisky, but he takes water
with it now.-Epoch
Fond father-What are you going
to be when you grow upP Son-A
man, sir, Fond father-What will
you do when you are manp So
Do the Same rs you do and kiss thu
servant girl. Judge.
Minister Ito hotel clerk -Do yo,
have special rates for ministers of tn,
Gospel Clerk--Yes, we have. w,
make no money reduction, but we give
their names as prominent arrivals
to the reporters. Life.
Clementine-If | had known yor
married mo only for my money
would never have accepted you. Mon
tague-And If I'd known you were
going to be so close with it woult
never have proposed. Life.
The professor-You have the mos
strongly developed bump of venera
ton l ever saw. Clinchy-Tek yurt
hand afr thot! The ould woman
aised me out O. bed this mornin'. an
shtruck me hid agin the fiure. Judge
Dry goods merchant - You have
called in response to our advertise
ment for a floor walkerp Well. sir
what are your qualifications for the
positionp Applicant am the ia.
Their of three pairs of twins. Boston
Courier.
Bridget-Shall lave the hall lamp
burnin', ma'amP Mistress--No. an
pretty sure Mr.. Jones won't be home
until daylight. He kissed me three
times before he left and gave me SIC
for a new spring bonnet. Terve Hautt
Express.
Mr.. Uppertel( tailor)-Mr. Balcony,
your account 4 getting rather large,
and would be glad to receive some
thing on account. Algy (after deer
thought) If you will fix me up $40
suit I'll try to pay You fifty down.
Texas Sijtings.
His Lordship-It was jolly enough
but-er-but what beastly crowd.
The scum of Europe l should say.
Mrs. F.-The scum of Europe! They
are the elite of New York; His Lord
ship - What's the difference il you
only go back little. Life.
Mrs. Hautton-W When Mr.. Hamilton
comes, Mary, you will tell him tha'
our sewing circle meets this afternoon,
and - what's the matter with these
pinsp They seem to be headless.
Mary amt pins. mum, them's
needles. - 1egvc Haate cypress.