The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1889-02-28
FULL OF FUN.


-"Well, Patrick, what struck you
most during your Southern trip"
"The mule, sor!'' replied Patrick with
. grin that disclosed the absence Of
nine molars. Burlington Free Press.
If the human race was evolved
from the apes, it at least has the satis-
faction OF knowing that its ancestors
were intelligent-they were educated
in the higher branches.
Eat, drink and be merry" Is all
right enough, but the man who has to
eat salt fish-balls and drink river-wa-
ter finds it sorry work to be merry
Binghamton Republican.
--Governess Ito little Miss Ethel,
who is making famous progress in
mythology)-"Now, Ethel, what do
you know OF Minervap" Ethel
minerva was the Goddess Of Wisdom;
she never married. d."-Town Topics.
The ancients believed that the
whole earth was square, but up to the
hour OF going to press we have not
heard that they expressed similar be-
lief in regard to the inhabitants there
of. -Norristown Herald.
1t is hard enough, anyway, for a
bachelor to hold a baby, but it Is SIM
pie torture when it is the baby Of the
girl who Tilted him heartlessly only
three years before.
Miss Wideawake Ito young agri-
culturists from Vermont)-"I fancy,
Mr.. Sidehill, that you are fond Of
husbandryp" Mr.. Sidehill with an
unutterable expression) 81 suppose
I would be. Miss Wideawake, If 1 could
find the right kind Of gal. Texas
Siftings.
First Thespian--'How did you do
in GawkvilleP" Second Ditto-"We
played to public buildings" First
Thespian-"How's thatp" Second
Thespian-"The first night we played
to lighthouse and the next to poor
house. America.
-"I might have known better than
to steal white horse" said the thief
in New York, ''for the Auburn locks
were sure to follow" And then the
jailer at the Auburn penitentiary
turned the key on him neatly.
MIR. Nonreddin Noddy-"Ah, Mad
anne! Do I have the pleasure of taking
in mine the hand that has penned SO
much charming versep" Madame
Poetry, sir-poetry, and never write
with pen, but always use typo.
graph" Time.
-"You would be sorry to loose your
sister, wouldn't you, Johnniep" asked
the visitor, suggestively to the little
boy who was entertaining him in the
drawing-room. "Nope," replied john
ME. II guess I could stand 1t, Mr..
Hankinson. Nav says I've got to wear
short pants till after Irene's married. +"
Exchange.
How do you feel nowp" asked
the general manager Of tar-and-
feather social. as he poked handful
OF feathers between his victims teeth.
II feel down in the mouth" the latter
replied. Whereupon six revolvers
were instantly emptied into the same
cavity.-Puck.
Teaching Her Lesson. Uncle
Rastus (who has caused the arrest of his
wife for assault)-'I want yo' ter glib
it to her, jedge; glib her de limick OBJ
de law. Dis amt de fust time she
'saulted me-" Judge-'Tm afraid,
aunty, I'll have to fine you ten dol
lars" Aunty-''Well, yo' honah, I
amt got ten cents" Judge Ito Uncle
Rastus)-"lt'll be ten dollars, Uncle
Rastus." Uncle Rastus (handing over
the money with bewildered look as
who should say, this may be right or
this may be wrong)-"All right; jedge;
dere's de money" (To wife as they
leave court together): "Dar, ole wom-
an, I trus' dis yere 'sperience IL rarn
yo' lesson what yo' won ferget.
Harper's Bazaar.