Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-07-04
WIT AND HUMOR.

sued for divorce. Bjones-Actress or
typewriter?-Judge.
Noah would have failed as a rail-
road man. He even built an ark to
keep stock from being watered. -Nea0
York Nail.
Appearances are sometimes deceiv-
ing. Eggs are not strong, yet they
do we'll in scramble. -BinQhanstO7s
Republican.
A smiling wife is blessing, but it is
one that the man who smiles too often
himself can hardly hope to enjoy
Boston Courier.
1t occasions little surprise that there
are so many decayed families when
one reflects upon the number of spoilt
children.-II11e.
''That man expects to rise high in
the world" "Indeed-in what way?"
"Well, he's working to perfect flying
machine. "-Epocb.
There is very little profit in manu-
featuring strawberry boxes for the
trade. The bottoms come too high
Neo0 Orleans P5cayatne.
Maud-And what will you do now
that poor Flossie is gone? Sibyl
(mourning the demise of a favorite
poodle)-I shall marry!-Puck.
Miss Wabash = How delightfully."-
your sister plays! Miss Waldo-Why,
my dear, that's the man in the back
parlor tuning the piano.-Lye.
In this advanced age of progress
and reform it is extremely singular
that no bench show for dudes has yet
been established. Troy Times.
Barkeeper-Lookh here, you, I say,
stop working that lunch coun ter.
Tramp (reproachfully)-I amt work.
ing; it's pleasure. -Neeo York Sun.
A jersey City undertaken advertises
that he furnishes .'eyerything requisite
for funeral" He must be a doctor
as we'll as an undertaker.-I1eGG Sift-
tngs.
Mrs. Browgne-SnoreP The idea.
Well, / must say you are the first man
who ever accused me of such a thing.
Mr.. Browgne-Wh- what!-Ierre Haute
EGpresS.
Speaking of charges and counter
charges, 60 to the military man for in
formation about the former and to a
saleslady about the latter. Pjttsburg
Chronicle.
Visitor (to the butler who is show
ing him through the picture gallery of
the old mansion)-That's a fine por-
trait. Is it an old master? Butler
No. That's an old missus. Boston
Courier.
Wife-My new bonnet came home
this afternoon, Charlie; won't you
take me to see Mrs. Baker tonight?
Husband-Do you want to see Mrs
Baker or do you want her to see you.
- Time.
"What did Miss Frost say in answer
to your proposal?" 'Well she spoke
in such a hoarse whisper that found
it impossible to understand her." 90,
then she probably said neigh. "-BostOn
Gazette.
Mr.. Wabash = You seem to value
your butler highly? Mrs. Knicker-
bocker-Yes; never saw his equal at
handling a tray. Mr.. Wabash (sadly)
i saw man hold four treys once
Nea0 York. San.
Mrs. Parvenu-t'What do you think
of our statue of Venus?" Miss Waldo
81 must confess that the face seems
to me rather hard" Mrs. Parvenu-
perhaps you forget that it is done in
marble.-Harper's Bazaar.
On the body of a man found hang
inc to Il tree in Missouri was found
this card: 81 die because am too dod-
gasted lazy to live" Lots of worth
less men are living as if they were too
lazy to die. Sdft6ngs.
Business-man-See here, that type
writer you sold me has no capital H
at all. Agent-pll have the mistake
corrected at once. They must have
sent you one intended for our English
trade.-Ierre Hamte EGpress.
Mrs. Winks-'I see by the paper
that the Government has advertised
for bids for 1000 pounds of porous
plaster What is that for?n Mr..
Winks-"Going to patch up some
old ships for Samoa, probably. Phil
adelphia Record
Corker.-"You know my wife waits
up for me every night. Well, fooled
her in great shape the night of April
l." Waters-"Whatd did you do, stay
out all night?n Corker (chuckling)-
mo! by cracky. l came home SOBER"
-LoWeU Citizen.
BROMLEY, did you tell Jones that l
never told the truth?" 81 said on the
contrary, that you occasionally in
advertently told the truth. y swell.
that's something else. l won't allow
any man to intimate that I'm con-
stitutional liar"
'.Hello. Brown! I hear you have a
new typewriter. Is she cookbook
ingP" Why. man, no; my wife Sc
lected her, why. how did she come
to select her?" ''Well, you see, my
wife was typewriter herself before l
married her. Life.
Col. Gouaker-It seems too good to
be true. How did you come to accept
an old fellow like me? Miss Ingenue
We'll, you see, Colonel, mamma was
beginning to act so silly and girlish
over You that I had to step in to pre-
vent losing her.-Judge.
Blinks-Do you believe in a state of
future damnation, Deacon Grimm?
Deacon Grimm-Of course / do. How
would | ever get even with the people
[ have forgiven at various times if
there were no such thing as future
punishment?-T erre Haute Express.
Mr.. Brown (proudly to his friend,
an attorney)-By Jove, Henry. my
wife can sing the entire score of all of
Wagner's operas. The attorney alb
sent-mindedIy)-Weu. I'll try to get a