Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-10-20
BURDETTE WOULD BE A BELLE
And CoutemptuousIy Refuse TO be Any As.
sistance Whatever.

And Contemporary Refuse TO be Any AS
sistauce Whatever.
What would 1 DO if were a woman?
1 wouldn't try to be a man. Cut that out
and paste it in your looking glass, daughter,
and it will be an ornament of grace unto
thy head and chains about thy neck many
times day.
wouldn't shudder and groan every time
the name of the monster was mentioned, but
1 would studiously avoid acquiring the
lightest of his many accomplishments and
the best of his manifold ways.
Iwould never learn to lay fire, in range
or fireplace. Every time touched a fire,
summer or winter, would put it dead out.
Then I'd never be expected to make one.
The first loaf of bread l baked l would
let drop on the dog and kill him. Then I'd
never be asked to bake bread again, and I'd
get a new dog.
When / descended into the laundry, I
would manage to bring out all the fancy
hannels white as ghosts, and all the white
shirts as blue as the skies of June. Then I'd
never be asked to assist at the washtub
again.
I would pinch every baby that was given
ne to hold black and blue in half a dozen
Tplaces before it could catch its breath
enough to shrek, and 1 would frighten the
lie or tease the temper out OF anybody's
children whom 1 was asked to amuse. Then
I'd never be troubled with other peoples
young ones, and nobody would ever ask me
teach the infant class while the tired teacher
took vacation.
II 1 had to sit on the front seat when
asked to drive, 1 would carry a large sun
umbrella, and gouge the drivers eyes out
and run the team into fence corner the
first mile out. Then I'd get the back seat
on the shady side every time ever after
ward.
1 would always sit sideways in street
car. Then would have plenty of room.
would wear a carriage dress in the street
car if had no other place in which to show
1t off
would smash something choice and ex-
pensive every time 1 swept room or busted
a parlor. Then I'd never be asked to do
such work.
In church would never rise during the
singing, and never kneel during prayers.
Then people would notice me, and say:
"Who is that pretty girl with such lovely
eyes?'
At the theater 1 would wear the biggest
hat obtainable.
At cricket and lawn tennis matches 1
would sit in the front row and raise my
parasol.
would cultivate such charming helpless
ness, such hopeless innocence, such pretty,
childish ignorance, such fascinating de-
pendence, such dainty bsbywsys that people
would say: ''Oh; we must take care of her;
she doesn't understand these things"
Then, all my life long would be petted,
and coddled, and fondled, and cared for In
thousand ways, where more independent
women have TO "hustIe" FOR themselves.
That is daughter, if other women would
care for such sweet little bit of helpless
ness. May be they would. You know bet
ter than do how women regard that sort of
q woman.
But, you can gamble your peace of mind
your love of ease and all your enioyments of
life that the Monster Man wouldn't torment
the solitude of such a woman with his pres
ence longer than a day or two, and she
would thus be spared one of the greatest
ennoyances to which mankind is subjected,
ROBERT j. BURDETTE,