Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-07-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

The dairymaid pensiveiy MIXED the goat
And pouting, she paused to mutter,
:" wish, You brule, you would turn to milk"
And the animal turned to butt her
The tombstone is about the only thing
that can stand upright and lie on its face
at the same time.
1t doesn't do for cigarmaker to "puf'
up" his goods too much or he will consume
all the protits.--DaariUe Breeze.
The portrait painter may meet with
and works ahead IoakeIS Statesman.
A tailor being asked if the close of the
year made him sad said yes, until the
clothes of the year are paid for-Iegas
Sgtjngs.
They say the EifIel tower is a very small
affair compared with the steepness of
board and lodging in Paris.-Pttsblgg
Chronicle
A jockey has named his horse Clarkson,
after the Assistant Postmaster General,
probably because he "gets ahead SO
often.-NeIO York World.
GLOW can you tell poor cigar without
smoking it, Smith? BY looking at the
picture on the box, my friend If the pic
ture is pretty, the cigar is bad. Boston
Courier
Mrs. Brown lat Mrs. Smiths tea)-"Oh,
dear, that dreadful Miss Smith is singing
again. l wonder what started her?n
Tom Brown (age D" dropped nickle
down her back when she wasn't looking"
The London Globe says: alt is COM
forting to find that the boiling point of
'allylenedich hlordibromida is 1902, while
that of neutrality-suspicious.
chloride is something between l40o and
1852"
Book Agent-"I should like to show
you my new cheap edition of the Encyclo-
pedia Britannica" Vermont Farmer
Mister you needn't show rue any 'cyclope-
dias. My boy graduated from college this
week"
Lady" These berries look very large
and ripe" Little boy (who is selling
berries for the first time y" es, mum,
the little green ones are all underneath.
That's the way the boss fixes 'em up every
morning"
Josh Billings said that he had noticed
that when you see spiders crawling up the
side of barn, backwards, it is the sign of
a short crop of beans that year. Doing
business without advertising is crawling
backwards, and means a short crop of dol
lars.-SpriRaieid Union.
Judge, to prisoner upon whom he is
about to pass sentence-"Do you ever
think of your mother, sir?' Prisoner,
much atfected-"Y Ye-yes, your Honor, but
she's dead" Judge, sympathetically-"I
did not intend to hurt your feelings. l
hope you viii pardon me-" Prisoner,
frightening mention it, your
Honor. hope you will pardon me-"
Judge, catching his drift-"Don't mention
it."-Philadetphia Press.
Wife" Don't forget to insert an adver-
tise about poor lost Fido." Husband
Fear not" (Exit) Wife (reads in the
paper the following morningl-" $40 re
ward Lost, last Monday, measly, hair
| Tipped, cross-eyed old yellow pup, answer
ing to the name of Fido. He has no tail,
is wild with fleas, has a glass eye, and his
! whines would make rhinoceros shudder.
Knows how to bite. Fifty dollars reward
if he is returned in a hearse." wife
faints.)
"Phwat is that ANYHOW that they've
| been putin on Dinney's tomb-shtone?"
said Mrs. Murphy, as she was visiting the
resting place of her deceased husband.
as Requiescat in Pace, means let him
sleep in peace said the sexton who had
| ACCOMPANIED her Shlape in pace, is
it?" Yes =" Well, that would be
moighty foine if ii wasn't for wan mistake
in the gramma-.n Il don't understand
YOU" :" He was blowed up in "a gunpow-
der factory Il ought TO be Shlape in
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