Evening capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1888-1893, 1889-11-16
SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.
Amusing and Embarrassing BIunder,
Caused By Accident or Stnniditx


81 never open my mouth but put nv foo
in it," was the curious complaint of som,
unlucky wight, who might have receive,
consolation had he reflected on the numbe,
Of offenders that daily keep him COMPANY
A writer in Chambers Journal tells of a mum
Der OF bulls as much amusing The guards
mans remark to the English nobleman who
was in the habit of affably conversing with
soldiers, u like you, my lord; there is moth
ing OF gentleman about your offers an ex
ample Of the kind. "How many deaths p,
asked hospital physician. "Nine.n "Wbv
ordered medicine for ten." ayes; butone
would not take It," was the startling renlv
s"Hillol where are you going at this time OF
nightW said a gentleman to his servant.
"You are after no good, I'll warrant. ),
"Please, sir, mistress sent me for YOU. sir. -
was the response. A gentleman said to the
waiter Of his club: Michael if / should die.
would you attend my funerall" "Willingly,
SIR" was the hasty answer. swell, Michael.
that isn't very complimentary" ''No, sir, /
didn't name that, sir; wouldn't be seen
there, sir" was the walters consolatory
reply.
A child may often be expected to put his
or her needless little foot in it, as the
phrase goes. For instance, youngster
one DAY begged an invitation to dinner at
the house OF friend with whom he had
been playing. At the table his hostess
anxiously inquired: Charlie, can you cut.
your own meatp "Humphw said the
youngster, who was saving away, "can,t
II I've cut up quite as tough meat as this
at homeW People who are destitute of
tact might take warning from such Juvenile
malaprops, but such does not often appear
to be the case, judging by the numerous ex-
amples to the contrary
A millionaire railway king has a brother
who is hard Of hearing, while he himself is
remarkable as having very prominent
nose Once the railway king dined at
trends house when he sat between two
ladies', who ttalked to him very loudly,
rather to his annoyance, but he said moth
ing. Finally one Of them shouted COM
monplace remark, and then said in an Or
dinary tone to the other: "Did you ever see
such nose in all your lifel" "Pardop me.
ladies'" said the millionaire, "it,s nv
brother who is deaf" You can imagine
the horror Of the lady who indulged in
such personal remarks, yet she was no
more awkwardly placed than the hero of
the following: When dining at certain
castle Mr.. T, after the ladies retired,
remarked TO a gentleman present that the
Lady who sat on his right was the ugliest
woman he had ever seen. 81 am sorry to
hear" said the gentleman, " that you think
that my wife is SO illooking." "Oh, no,
sir; l meant the lady who sat on my left;
made mistake" swell, sir, she is NV sis.
ter"
Abiding to newspapers, it NAV be re-
marked that advertisers and unpracticed |
writer's therein through ambiguity of |
words and phrases often commit absurdi- |
ties that may be touched on as further il
lustrating our subject A country paper |
once related how, "during the celebration,
child was run over wearing short
dress, which never spoke afterward." In |
the description Of the doings of a mad dog |
1t ID said that "he bit horse on the leg, |
which has since died" An account of a |
funeral says: 1.-THE remains were committed |
to that bourne from which no traveller re-
turns attended by his friends"
1t is not surprising that foreigners some
times fail to catch all the shades of mean
ing to our words. A Frencnman trans
lated Shakespeare's line, ''Out, brief can.
de-" by: sect out, you short CANDLE" And
the expression, "With my sword I will
carve my way to fortune" was rendered:
"With my sword will make my fortune
cutting meat" si 1.
Advertisers often give US amusing speci-
mems Of composition, of which this is an ex-
ample: "Lost by poor lad tied up in a
brown paper with white string German
flute with an overcoat on and several other
articles of wearing apparel" A miller at
tempted to testify to the merits of a pow
der for destroying vermin by saying: ga
fortnight ago was full Of rats, and now
don't think have one."
Examples more of the 'bull' genus also
come under the title of this paper as cases
in point. For instance, a newspaper was
running serial story called 'The Truth"
One week, so much space being devoted to
other matters, the editor was unable to
continue the story, so made the following |
announcement, containing perhaps more |
truth than any other item in the paper:
"'The Truth was crowded out of this issue
ON account Of the press Of more important
matter"
A bashful gentleman who visited school
kept by young lady was asked by the
teacher to say few words to the pupils. |
This was his speech SCHOLARS, hope |
as much as do" A tableau Of giggling |
pupils and blushing teacher attested the
effectiveness Of his words.
AuC lCCeoICE pun hio Aooe - ~ 10 ohVAOeoA
ly when he prefaced his discourse upon the |
rhinoceros with: :" I must beg you to give |
me your undivided attention; indeed, it Is
absolutely impossible that you could form a
true idea Of the hideous animal Of which we
are about to speak, unless you keep your
eyes fixed on me-" A certain preacher,
discoursing upon Bunyan and his works,
caused litter among his hearers by ex-
claiming: "In these days, my brethren,
we want more Bunyans." Another clergy
man, pleading earnestly with his parishion-
ers for the construction Of cemetery for
their parish, asked them to consider the
"depiorable condition Of thirty Thousand
Christian Englishmen living without Chris
tian burial" Still more curious was the
clerical slip with which we conclude. A
gentleman said TO the minister: When do
you expect to see Deacon S-again :"
Meyer said the reverend gentleman, sol
emnly; " the deacon is in Heaven"
Pianists' Finger Crsmp.
Certain functional diseases Of the hand
and arm have been observed in pianists by
nf