Smyrna times., 1889-09-25

needn't be pertickler about the amount
yO' send the fellar that sends a post
age stamp III git his book list as soon
as the fellar thet sends a thousan' dol
lars. Here's a spesymen:
THE APPLE.-The apple is a vedga-
table thet ginerally grows on trees.
In fack, never knOwed emmy to grow
eEnywhere else, eckscept a few thet
growed rotten in my cellar wunst. In
some respecks they grately resemble
the gurls. Fur instance, some on ems
sweet an some on 'em haint so sweet.
An then they're ginerally very tasty
about Their dress, an luve to ware brite
cullars. They also differ very mutch
In Their tastes in this respeck, an
while some prefers green others likes
red the best, an others, agin, yaller,
an some on 'em's so proud an stuck .
up thet they even dress in two or more /
cullars to wunst. The only wun o. |
the speshies thet's inclined to be emmy
ways kwakerish in his attire is the |
'rusty-eoat." He allus dresses in |
plane clO'es. The apple is very use
full animal, an answers more purposes
than he does kwestchuLs.
When the first comes into market in
in the spring, he's of a kind O. specku-
iatiye turn O. mind, an is. is.-ea.llllgIis elllgIis very
-R6nIllisb, .oQi-tha9e--1aiT' t!ae-- 1aT maky ginger an
blackberry kOraj market
Some folks likes him best when he's
robbed o. his natchural coverin' an
done up in a coat o. pie-crust, or
dough, an either baked or billed, but
I'm o. the opinyun thet it haint rite
a Z iof ia
zen as he is that way. When he's all
withered an dried up by the heat o.
the sun, or sOmethin' else, he's grately
beluved by the keepers o. cheep board
in'-hOuses, he don't kost mutch an
swells offul
The jOOse is sometimes skweezed
Outen him, an made into varyus bev-
erages, mostly slider. This beverage is
mostly noted for its industry. Its so
| industryus thet its almost impossible to
keep it frum wOrkin'. In anshent
times they used to make slider vinegar
| frum this beverage, but its now mostly
made from other ingredjints.
DOwnin Moo Jersey they also make
a very eckshileratin' beverage thet
they call appiejack. This name is a
nickname for apple-jacket, an is so
called from the fack thet when skWeez-
in the joose Outen the apples to make
1t, good menny yaller Jackets is
skweezed along with it an it is COM
monty supposed that its the loose o.
the yaller-jackets thet's micksed with
it thet gives it It's eckshileratin' prop
critics. l kind o. think thet thet's a mis-
take, but l wOOdn't be sure, fur I'll ad-
| r1oit
eckshileratin'. This beverage is like
shampane, yo' don't git thurrowly
drunk on it till yO' begin to git sober.
Hogs is said to be very fond O. this de-
cOckshun (twO-legged hOgs).
The LIAR. This animal is so COM
mon an well known that to more'n list
menshun him 'ud be to paint the
lily"
The BRAKEMAN.-This individual is
mostly found on relrOad trains am is
so called bekaws o. his irresistible
impulse to brake somethin', 1t appears
to be a kind of a born and raised
impulse an wun over which he has
no kOntrOl whatsOmever. He's divid-
ed into two kinds: passenger brake
man an frate brakeman.
The passenger Brakeman is so called
bekaws he's allus tryin' the h'arts o.
the lady passengers. In pers'nal ap-
peeTance he somewhat resembles the
Inglish Lord, an in pocket book he
bares a strikin' likeness to the Ital'yan
Kount. Hes mostly O. eckstrachun-
thet is to say, all the nobility has giner-
ally bin eckstracted outer him afore he
becomes a brakeman, or mitey soon after
wards. He used to have to twist a
wheel around when the train wanted to
stop, but some years ago a fellar in
vented anuther kind of wind masheen
fur to do thet job, ans NOWADAYS the
passenger brakeman mostly earns his
wages by inVentin' moo pronunshea-
shuns fur the names o. the stashuns
along the road, an singin' 'em out
when the train gifts here. Wun kweer
thing about him is thet he never gets
old. I've knOwed lots an lots o. him
in my lifetime, but l never knOwed a
old wun. The Frate Brakeman is not
SO LOrdy in appearance as tother kind.
but in pOcketbOok he's just about as
KOuntish, an is distinguished by thet
same Overwhelmin' desire to brake
sOmethin'. His principal ockupashun
]
along the road that he has to load an
unload, an the harder they is to brake
the more delite he takes in it. Flour
in sacks has no charms for him, be-
kaws its too easy but he's bin knowed
to cheerfully climb to the top o. boks
car with a coOkstove or barrel O.
shugar on his shoulder iist fur the
pleshure o. throwin' it down an, seein'
it spred itself out over the platform.
He also takes crate delite in brakin
things thet's marked glass-with kare
He's even been known to brake the
Third Commandment qWite frekwent
and his propensity fur breakin' things
is so blamed strong that when he kant
find nOthin' else to brake, he sometimes
falls off his train an brakes his neck
He's o. the same strain o. blood as the
baggage-smasher, an some foxes think
he's distantly related to the fellar thet's
said to be the "father o. liars" He.
o. the same relidjus persuashun as Bot
Ingersoll, at leest l s'pOse he is, fol
judgin' from his ackshuns, reckun he
don't think there's emmy hereafter.
These eckstracts III show yO' the
J drift o. this CRATE wurk thet I've got il
contemplashuD, an II be sufficient ful
the present. Eff the postage stamps an
thousan'- dollar checks comes in righ
lively, mebbe I'll publish a few more
Wun thing yo' may be shure of ,anC
thet is thet the spellin' an grammar o
this here wurk III be kerrect an per
feck, fur efI do say It myself, l kan
be beet on them there branches O
edjucashun. UNCLE JOHN"
sit is fact" that Hoods Sarsapa
rilla does scrofula, salt rheum, anC
other diseases or affections arising from
impure state or low condition Of thl
blood, overcomes that tired feeling
creates a good appetite, and give
strength to every part of the sYstem