The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1889-02-22
THE M0SSBACK.
Some Original Remarks on Hl3 Chsracteris.
tics and Tastes.
Oregoniln.

Oregonian.
A mossback, my son, is the sleeping !
partner in our business relations with the |
Pacific northwest. He is not indigenous |
to this corner of the armament, but on |
his arrival be so thoroughly set his stakes !
down, and adopted the state with SO much |
determination that, for all practical pur-
poses, he is native.
Yes, he is peculiar to Oregon, and would !
be anywhere outside of q graveyard. |
But he is not peculiar to Oregonians.
All mossbacks are Oregonians, but al
Oregonians are not mossbacks.
Webster says: Moss is an Gcrogenous
cryptogamous plant of cellular structure,
with leaves, and distinct root"
In our mossback the root Is not dis
tinct. 1t is imbedded in his spinal col
umn, but he hes oil the other symptoms.
The word mossback as term of re-
proach has as much earnestGess Of appll-
cation as a porous plaster.
When a man becomes GlCssback he IS
of no use except to count one in the CEN
sus. He still breathes, bCt his functions
have lost all hope, all ambition and all
nerve. They merely go about with the
owner, and have feeling enough left to
dread the day that will cansiGn them TO
the grave with him alone to perform upon.
In waiting for things to turn up, the
mossback displays as much interest as u
seven-year-old note. Yet if thing turns
down when he expects it to turn up he
don't seem to care. 1t IS his way. l
once saw a mossback stand on q street
corner, wait for First street car to turn
up Stark street, and when it didn't leave
the track to do so, he showed no more
concern than one-cent stamp on three
ounce letter.
A mossback takes everything easy. in
cluding the market price, malaria, cleo
ton returns. chills, cod liver oil and Gods
name in vain.
He believes in patent medicines and the
ten commandments. He likes to talk
politics, and when he does he IS generally
down on corporations and the head of q
nail keg.
He is very reminiscent, and will go
back eight miles for q lost Inch pin,
when it is only half mile TO the next
blacksmith shop.
He never leads anything, unless it be
that portion of his life not yet called in.
He joins the procession at the tail end,
long after the band has turned the bend
in the road, and loses the step.
He takes no interest in the human race,
but hangs around the judges stand and
waits to see the others come in. He
never bets because he can't afford to lose,
and don't know enough to win.
He has been introduced on several oc-
casions, but. never got on speaking terms
18th enterprise.
When an opportunity comes along he
goes into the house, shuts the door, and
looks out of the back window.
When the mail came by stage he asked
one of his neighbors every day to enquire
for him; now that it comes by rail, he
makes the request only once q week. He
don't believe in railroads.
He buys improved farm machinery, be-
cause he can get it on long credit. He
leaves it out in the elements because he
hasn't paid for it.
He remembers that rich man can no
more enter the kingdom of Heaven than
| camel can vault through the eye of a
needle. Therefore, he remains poor and
thin, and will not hump himself, because
that's what allied the camel.
The average mossback owns more
ground than the whole group of Pilgrim
Fathers landed upon. Yet, he cultivates
only half of it and summer fallows the
balance for six years at stretch and a
dead loss.
He often buys Iowa butter at the store,
but makes his wife exhibit two rolls of
her own at the county fair, while he
drinks soda" water and watches three
large squashes of which Mr.. Hubbard
was the original author. He thinks
there's money in pork, but continues to
| pay IL cents pound for bacon done up
in yellow ochre shroud. He believe in
economy, and it makes him almost mad
to realize that hens lay most when eggs
are cheap. He won't waste q for sure
| egg under a hen, and uses an imitation
| decoy under protest. He forgets that
occasionally hen has chic, and does not
| like to assume a sitting posture without
something to base her expectations upon.
| He never seeks to advance the interests
of his state. He thinks the rates are too
high already. But if he has any money
| to loan, he takes large interest in any
thing worthy of note.
He is slow to move. mortgage On
his movable goods and chattels is as safe
as the Bull Run water BILL
He hates anything like q sudden res
possibility, and knows no more what to
do in an emergency than q woman does
in the presence of an ambitious mouse.
He never comes to the front: When he
leaves the house he always goes out by
the back door.
He is not in the least conventional
|
on his daily behavior. His personal con-
duct is as little measured by the rules of
society, rs the capacity of his stomach
is by his personal tape worm. His tates
are very simple. They are confined to
bacon and dodgers and the last dose of
quinine he took.
Years ago he had some influence in his
neighborhood, but now it is on the wane,
and SO scattered that q fne-tooth hay
rake could not make it felt.
At one time he had considerable curl
osity, but he exercised it so much day
and night that it died from over-work
and not enough feed. Occasionally he
thinks, but does not express himself, slow
freight is fast enough for him.
The mossback stays around until he
accidentally meets death, or until some
ailment that no one else will have any
thing to do with, gets interested and alb
sorbed in him. Then he goes off and we
hear nothing more about him until the
seed comes up, and the messy marbles
rest on the lips that we have pressed in
their bloom, and the names wo loved to
hear have been carved for many year
on the tomb.
"An unfortunate comparison, Under the
circumstances.