Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-08-14
THE TOPICAL TALKER.
Rare IL the Chnritnble speaker-Fleeins
o. From Alcohol Into the Arms of Forgery.

Rare IL the Charitable speaker-Fleeinx
From Alcohol Into the Arms of Forgery.
VERY rare indeed is the human being who
never says an evil word about anyone but
always seeks to see some good everywhere.
Recently certain rascally individual was
being discussed by large family circle, every
one In which had something bad to say of him.
One referred to his mendacity; another to his
dishonesty; a third to his immoral nature;
fourth to his audacity in crime, and so on. But
one old lady, the senior of all present, was
silent till the indictments were all in. Then
she said gently: "But he was beautiful tenor
singerT
IT was toward the close of an imperial drunk,
the last act of melodrama in whisky, that the
young Pittsburger came to the conclusion that
whisky was not worth the money or the head
aches that 1t cost. He had been there before
several times. When the mockery Of maudlin-
ness had been brought home to him the
thought struggled through his disordered
brain that he ought to swear off. Wherea His
previous experience had taught him that the
temple of q city Alderman was the most solmn
place open to him. Many ten dollar bill had
he laid upon the Aldermanic altar. To an AL
derman's Office therefore, he went with such
directness and speed as the duplicity Of his eye.
sight would permit.
~
THE Magistrate sat behind his desk recount
ing to an attentive audience of constables and
courtiers his conquests and cavortings at the
sea shore in the month of July. But with the
graciousness for which the Alderman is famous
that luminary cast laovse from his satellites,
and asked the shaky and haggard young man
at the rail what he wanted.
II want to swear of" said he.
tom, bring me an affidavit" said the Alder
man to q constable, economizing time, and in
about 80 seconds the oath had been admin
istered. In another minute the form had been
filed ont and the young man was signing his
name, when the Alderman said with automatic
concern: "Fifty cents"
To man with half plug of chewing to-
bacco, a latch key and three cents as his total
assets the call for half dollar must always
sound appalling. The youthful reformer was
90 situated and SO appalled,
II haven't got so cents Y Ier Honor" said the
unfortunate suitor.
Then you can't swear off here" was the SEN
tence from the Bench.
-
THEN the young man went out and passed
into the saloon which, appropriately, adjoined
the temple of justice. He walked up to the bar
and said hoarsely-"Glass of beer, please?'
No-not at all You forget he had but cents
His petition was: Len me pen and ink and
a scrap o. paper, BillT'
Bill, the bartender. recognized good GUS
toner, and complied with his req uest. The
young man wrote: "Please give the bearer the
afidavit I will pay the so cents" and signed
the name of a friend who was also on intimate
terms with the Alderman. This. after a suit
able interval, he took back to the Alderman,
and the latter on the strength Of the forged
order, permitted the young man to take away
the affidavit.
This absolutely true story of to-day exhibits
singular confusion of moral IDEAS Forgery
is a novel life-belt for use in the sea Of drunk
enness.