The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1889-12-07
TANNING A HUSBAND:
The Sarcastic Advice of q Woman VIII
Has Had Three of them.

The Sarcastic Advice of a Woman who
Has Had Three of them.
Certainly-you can't scod amiss, nv
dear woman, exclaims female contributor
in the New York Ledger. If he hasn't done
this or that he has probably done some-
thing else. Scolding clears the domestic
atmosphere; you have to keep up a perpet-
ual cannonading, or there will be a revolt.
Husbands get terribly unmanageable some
times unless they are kept up to the mark
Don't lose any time about it either. Once
let man hoist the flag of independence,
and unless you haul it down for him in
double quick time you're lost woman
once allow him to suppose that he's master
of the house, and the first you know it will
be: Minnie, bring me match for my cigar,
that's DEAR" or, "Minnie, just look for
my cravat, will yous" or even, "Minnie, I've
brought Jones and Howard home to dinner;
couldn't help asking enn. You needn't
make any extra parade, but just get few
oysters, or lobster or somethlngp' That's
the way you'll be victimized Once begin
waiting on him, and you'll have business
for the rest OF your life. Put him down, and
keep him there.
"How?"
"hows" are as thick as mosquitoes on an
August evening. Blame him for every
thing he does; make up your mind not to be
satisfied under any circumstance whatever.
IL it rains, blame him because the sun
doesn't shine; if he puts his newspaper on
one corner of the mantelpiece, scold him
because he didn't put it on the other; if he
laughs above his breath, put your hands up
to your ears, and ask him 'if he supposes
you were made without nervess" II he
frowns, call him an ill-natured brute.
IL he brings home tickets for the opera,
tell him you had set your heart on going to
the theater. If he talks to lady, turn
jealous, go into Mysteries; if he joins a
knot OF gentlemen, tell him ''it's very plain
that his poor Wlfe's society has no longer
any charms for him." If he invites friends
to your house, tell him that ''you don't keep
hotel" if he Doesn't invite them, tell him
he Is an unsocial bear, who would like to
keep you alone the whole time. If he has a
cold in his head, deluge the whole house
with soap-and-water and scrub-brushes; if
he suffers from toothache, insist on having
every window in the room open on ac-
count of ''fresh air." If he is fond of roast
turkey, see that cold pork is on the table
instead; if he likes coffee, discover, all of a
sudden, that it is not healthy, and substitute
milk and water! ,m4
Don't give him his own way in any one
particular-contradict him on all occasions
tread on his toes whenever he is going to
say any thing, and then fret at him for be-
ing 'silent and sulky." Never allow him
to wear his best coat-put him on diet of
one shirt week-keep the ''change" and
deal 1T out to him by the half dime-groan
at his extravaganza whenever he buys a
new hat, and hunt in all his pockets for
strong cigars, champagne corks, peanut
shells, or any such silent witnesses to his
depravity.
Why, if you didn't keep up this constant
system of intimidation, he might actually
be impudent enough to chuck you under the
chin, or pull your curls, or even kiss you
once in awhile. He might keep dinner
waiting half a minute; he might steal one
Of your little handkerchiefs out of the
bureau drawer when he couldn't find his
own yellow border concerns; he might
elevate his feet on the parlor mantel; he
might imagine home was place to enjoy
himself in; he might be insane enough to
suppose that wife liked to wait on her
husband!
There is no telling what he might not do
snubbed.
Just follow up this system, however, and
you'll be pretty sure to take the starch out
OF him. Don't get discouraged if he is
little stiff and "set in his way" at first;
two or three months of the above discipline
will make him as limp as an old dish-rag
You may be obliged to fight one or two
pitched battles, but that's of no conse-
quence. You have always one great resort
If the day is going against you, turn on
the tears! He can't go sniveling about the
house with red eyes and swelled nose-you
can Tears will subdue man when the
rest of the feminine artillery won'tl Try it
just once, and see!
That's the way to break them in, girls!
No failure and warranted to cure the worst
cases--no better receipt in the whole conju-
gal pharmacop1ia for Transforming high
spirited young fellow into meek, umbrella
carrying, bill-paying, cradle-rocking ma
chine who knows his ''place," and never
speaks unless his wife says he may.