Connecticut western news., 1889-10-30
WIT AND HUMOR.

Miss Belle (warningly)-Sally, they used to tell me when was little girl that if didn't let coffee alone it would make me foolish. Sally (who owes her one)-Wel, why didn't you2- Life.
 A Dartmouth graduate has written work on "The Probable Cause of Gla. ciation." We didn't suppose that was a matter of dispute. If it wasn't cold weather, what could it bep-Lowen Courier.
 "Now, really, what was the most astonishing thing you saw in Paris, MT. Spicer?" asked Miss Gusher, and without moments hesitation Seth answered, 'sMy hotel bill."-Boston Bulletin.
 Charges of plagiarism still continue. It is now hinted that the successful and hitherto unsupported farmers crib the stores of their corn magazines from nature's cereals.-Baltimore American.
 Charming widow-ssAnd what are you doing nowadays?" He-"Oh, amusing myself; looking out for number one. And you?" Charming widow-s'Looking out for number two."-Life.
 Miss Minor (after the concert)- "Fraulein Sprawler plays with great deal of expression, but what do you think of her technique" Miss Green ing-"I didn't notice that she wore one. ."-America.
 New nurse, rocking the crib, sings: "Sleep, little one sleep" Voice from the crib: s'Now, Paula, you might as we'll understand at first that I don't want to hear any of those old things."- Fliegende Blatter.
 A Philadelphia base ball player has been given a gold watch for stealing bases. and another Philadelphian has been given two years for stealing seven dollars. Is justice a failure?- Norristown Herald.
 A Michigan fruit grower has a peach that measures eleven inches in circum- ference, but as he doesn't show any disposition to pass it around, it isn't likely to do the Somerville people any good.-Somervill Journal.
 Temperance Woman-t'My friend, if you don't want whisky to get the best of you, you must get the best of whisky" Promising subject-"I do, mum, when can; but when feller's only got nickel -"-Puck.
 Masherby = "They tell me, Miss Lacey, that you will dance with mo- body. Now, can't I prevail upon you to take the next waltz with mel" Miss Lacey-sWhy, certainly, Pm woman of my word, you know."- Grip.
 Mamma-"And how did my darling like being at church?" Maud (who had been at church for the first time, and put penny in the collection plate)-s'Very much, mamma, and it wasn't dear" Philadelphia Press.
 Gratitude.-Mr. Brown (to stranger who has saved him from drowning)- "My dear, good friend, I'll never for get you as long as ivel Come up to my store and get some nice, clean, dry clothes; I'll let you have them as cheap as anybody."-Epoch. A Birmingham man has patented an umbrella that is transparent. What he needs to do now is patent borrower of umbrellas whom the owner can see through before lending. This would save many an umbrella to the unsus- pecting lender.-New York Commer- cial Advertiser.
 Family Nothing will do your daughter any good unless she controls her appetite for sweets and rich dishes. She must live on the plainest food, and very little of it, for months. Mother-Very well, I'll send her to the boarding school I used to attend.-New York Weekly. ! 'sWhy do you doubt my word, Clara, when tell you that I have eyes for no other woman but yourself Why cannot you trust me?" "George,' ) replied the damsel, and her voice was 7 serious even to gravity, "George, you ! know how I abominate all trusts and l combines. Leave me. ."-Boston Tran.