Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1889-10-24
TALK OF THE DAY.


Republics were ever ungratefuL We
put our great men on postage stamra
ind then punch their heads.
He-'Do you believe in marrying
Tor money, Miss Antique? She-"1
ion't know; how much have you
Eotp"
Guest-"You seem musical. ] al
ways hear you whistling. What is
FOUR favorite song?" Waiter--"Re-
member me, sah." He got quarter.
1t is a curious fact that while wo.
men are reticent about their own ages,
they have no hesitation about pub
fishing the ages OF other women.
II grown men only knew as much as
their mothers think they know when
they are babies the world would have
no further use for cyclopedias.
Humorist-"I suppose this little
oke will 60 at regular rates If accept
3D." Editor-"Yes, guess SO. 1t is
100 old to travel for half-fare any
onger.
Clara (patronzingly)-"It is a good
plan for a person in society, to try at
least to look wise" True!
But don't you sometimes End it hard
TO do SOP"
Head clerk-"l'm letting my whisk-
ers grow, SIR" $50 see; but can't
permit employees to grow their whiskers
In business hours. That must be done
In their own time"
His Only Failing. Miss Charity
as your husband addicted to the use
Of alcoholic stimulantsp" Recipient OF
al enc fp1olo ha. to
only failin' is drinkin'."
The kind and correct thing to say to
the conner home is: II hope you feel
rested from your vacation" Nobody
says crested by your vacation except
those who haven't had any.
Mother was victorious. Jimmy Brown
HAS your mother been whippin'
you, BillyP" Billy-I don't care to
answer. It's sufficient for you TO know
that she got the upper hand Of me-"
Needed coaching. Young farmer
(apologetlcally)-'I know I'm a per-
Iect bear in my manners, Miss Edna"
Sweet sixteen (hesitatingly)-"No.
you're not; you you have never
Rugged ne yet.
English as She is Spoke.-Miss La
Mode Cooking into Farmer Fleece's
ghrden) You asked me to stop some
lay and see your fine lettuce heads.
Are these they?" Farmer Fleece
"Them's 'um."
A man of family. Prodley-"I hear
you have been getting married"
Tooker - Eyes" PRODIGY - Whom
did you marry?" Tooker - "Milly
Jones, her mother, her step father, and
Two maiden aunts."
Nowadays the young men OF the
period don't go down on their knees in
nervous agony before their future
wives. They hold solitaire diamond
ring above their heads and the girls
Jump for it.
What general event happened in
1862" asked Boston school teacher,
referring to the Centennial Fair. |
Whereupon bright boy answered:
1.-The National Base Ball League was
formed then"
Old sportsman-"Ah,Is see you've got |
pa'tridge. Did you use bird shotp"
Amateur sportsman (sarcastically)-
"Of course did. How do you think
| killed himp S'pose I caught him in
a barn. and dubbed him to deathP"
Fond johnnie, did you
give the bigger apple to Charlie, as 1 |
told you to-" Johnnie-"No; you see I |
ate his apple up first by mistake"
'.Did you give him the other one
then?" ''Oh, no; you see that one was
mine"
A flaw in the law-Client lin Chica-
go)-'I want a divorce" LAWYER
.'On what grounds?" my wife cannot
make good coffee" Il am sorry, but
the law is not broad enough for man
to get q decree on mere coffee
grounds"
Disgraced Bcrtie-"I heah Cholly
has been expelled from the club for
vulgarity and bad form" Gussie-
''Yaas. we had horrible evidence
against him, y know. Bertie-"What
was itp" Gussie-"One OF his tailor
bills receipted.
Didn't know beans: Little Willie
Ito his sisters beau)-"You can't |
guess what I've got in my pocket, Mr..
Blinkep." Mr.. Blinker-'No. 1 can
not guess. What Is it, Willie9"
Willie-'It's beans. Mamma sid |
you didn't know know beans, but /
thought I'd try you"
Judge-"YOu are a freeholder."
Prospective juryman Eyes. sir"
Judge - Married or single?" Pros
pective juryman-'M Married three years
ago last month" Judge-"Have you
formed or expressed any opinion"
Prospective juryman MOT since l was
married three years ago."
MIR. Goodcatch calling on the eldest
sister)-''Why, Johnny, how you are
growing? You'll be a man before
your sister, if you keep on" You
bet l will. Sister'll never be man il
she keeps on being twenty like she has
for the last five years" Then there
was trouble in the household.
Softpate-"Wh thinks OF the
dawg, Miss sprightly? Fine dog
THAI" Miss Sprightly-.'He is a
splendid creature" Softpate-"I have
refused cool thousand for him--fact.
assure you. Would it surprise you
If told you that dawg knows as much
as ! doP" Miss Sprightly-..Not at
ALL"
Nephew-'There. aunt, that is the
residence Of one of our richest citizens.
Handsome place, isn't it?" Aunt
the camel to pass through the needles
eye. The house is fine. it's true; but
who knows but it is built upon sandP"
Nephew-"It is-he's in the sugar bus.
mess"
Got back home-Mr. Blinks Tin dairy
restaurant New York City)-"I'm
most starved for bowl of milk and
some berries with some real cream on
'em. Bring mo double order"
Waiter-"Yes, sab. Been summering
on farm, 1 s'pose, sah?"
Boarder Gust arrived)-"I noticed
that we didn't have any butter at lunch
today, Mr.. Squoggs. l thought you
always had such nice butter in the
country" Mr.. Squoggs-"Yaas, we
do, but you see 81 Gass, who brings it
from the city, hasn't got round this
uanlr Snppnhnyy ~