The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-01-31
WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Secretary of VARIETIES gone out |
rowing in the navy"
Mistress -"Where have you been ?
I've secured the whole house for you:
Bridget-"Is that so, mum An tn
tinware in tn kitchen, too, mum p
Said a gentleman, while calling upon
an author, This room is as hot as an
oven" The author replied, So it ought
to be, for it is here | make my bread"
Don't be alarmed, friends" id the
man who had fallen down an elevator |
shaft there's no need ofthat mop and
bucket. I'm an old time tobogganist,
you know"
Things best left unsaid.-Hostess-
miss Brown has no partner for this
waltz, you will not mind dancing with
her instead of with me Pr He-"On the
contrary, shall be delighted"
1t is said that when a girl gets to be
IS she is fond of being called Daisy IRE
marks the Pittsburg DiSpdtch) if that
happens to be her first name. At IL she
insists on being called Miss Smith"
Jay Gould's wonderful new yacht will,
it is said, be most completely and ele-
gantly furnished. Among other useful
and indispensable things ordered for it
was box of DR.. Bulls Cough Syrup.
Confession of in ability could not 90
further than in the prayer of good
brother more nsed to dry goods than
leading camp meetings-"O Lord, we
are as weak-as weak as No. go bas'ing
thread"
Marriage Failure-"Is marriage a
failure Ph
"Yes, of course"
"Why, of course ?"
Because the lady never marries the
best man."
How" asked the professor, "can one
conceive of an'innnmerable multitude'P"
"Well," said the new bad boy, whose
father is a reporter, wait about five
months, and notice the Presidents rela-
tives and old school fellows"
Five-year-old Harry heard his sisters
new dress discussed. You see, the
skirt comes in two pieces, the waist in
one piece" And peace on earth,
added the boy, who was having his first
experience of public-school hymns.
Baker-"What is the price of flour to-
day.
Assistant-"Somewh higher"
"Well, go down and tell the foreman
to chuck in more yeast. Thank heaven,
old Hutch can't get up a corner on
wind"
We have speedy and positive cure
for Catarrh, Diphtheria, Canker Mouth
and Headache, in SHILOH'S CATARRH
REMEDY. A nasal injector free with
each bottle. Use it if you desire health
and sweet breath. Price SO cents. Sold
by j. T. Shurtleff.
A Fortunate cident.-Mistress (af-
ter heavy crash in the kitchen below):
Gracious, Bridget, | hope you haven't
broken that new vase brought home
today" Bridget mo, mem it's one
O. the limmin meringe pies that yez was
a-bakin' this afternoon"
Eminent physicians everywhere rec
ommend Ayers Cherry Pectoral as the
most reliable remedy that can be had
for colds, coughs, and all pulmonary
disorders. Ask your druggist for Ayers
Almanac it is the best publication Of
the kind, and full of information.
DON'T DESPAIR.
If you are weak and weary from some
so-called chronic disease, don't give up.
Sulphur Bitters has given hope to many
invalids, where hitherto there was moth
ing but despair. 1t will build up and
renew your whole system. Editor
Weekly American Ito
"Oh, Miss Brown, who was that
homely young lady you were with this
afternoon P" That sir That was my
sister," "Oh-ah-I beg ten thousand
pardons ! | ought to have noticed the
great resemblance ! That is-that isl
Then he wished an earthquake would
happen right then and there.
Why do so many people we see around
us seem to prefer to suffer and be made
miserable by indigestion, constipation,
dizziness, loss of appetite, coming up of
the food, yellow skin, when for rs cents
we will sell them Shiloh's System Vital
iZer, guaranteed to cure them. Sold by
j. T. Shurtleff. Bennington, Vt.
A mother was correcting her little
boy the other day, and appealing to him,
asked how he would feel if he had a son
who didn't do this and didn't do that
and so on. When she had reached the
end of the inquiry he answered well, |
mamma, if had little boy eight years
old, I don't think I'd expect the earth of
him."
Druggists Clerk-"Here prescrip-
ton so illegibly written l can't make it
out"
Druggist, lin back room)-"Who
Clerk-'Mr. Rambo."
Druggist (testily)-"Why didn't you
say so ? Whiskey four parts water
one part"
Miss Spinster Ito shoe dealer)-"I see
that you have marked down some of
your Shoes"
Shoe dealer-"Yes that line of lad
les shoes is marked down. We have
marked 'em all down to two sizes.
Now, there's tidy little gaiter, IL, l
think it will just fit"
Miss Spinster bushes and buys the
shoes.
Jim and young African companion
were one day fishing from the wharves.
His friend missed his footing, fell into
The water and was drowned. .Jim's
grief was so uproarious that a sympa-
.hetic by-standcr inquired fthe drowned
boy was a relation. NO. said Jim
through his tears he warn't no rela-
ion, but he mout's well been-he had
Ill the bait"
Escort Ito Miss Penelope Waldo of
Boston. on the lawn)-Don't be fright
ened, Miss Penelope, but there's a big
green worm on your skirt"
Miss Penelope-"Oh, don't disturb it,
Mr.. Wabash. l should like to take il
home with me. 1t belongs to the species
Known as the capillus capillary capii,
md is very rare in these parts. Dear
title fellow, l shall prize it so highly
Would you mind, Mr.. Wabash, putting
t in your hat.
Mr.. Smith (making purchase for
Mrs. Smith who has instructed him to
ret her a pair Of 81 .)-"Let me see
,air of ladies' fves, wide" Clerk (who
,nows the Smiths)-"Why, Mr.. Smith,
our wife always orders threes and a
lalf." Mr. Smith-"Young man, am
lot going to suffer the fortunes of the
Iamned, every morning, watching that