Connecticut western news., 1889-01-16
HUMOROUS

A Astare-case-Au opors glass.
 A stcrn necessity-A boats tiller
 Motto for cooper-"Hoop at tub.
 The cracksman's invcctive Blast itl
 Query: I, tho whoclwri ,ht bottor than his fcliocs7
 Oac of the brightest spots in exist encc-"Spot ca,h."
 Moa who walk off with a smile arc very rarely arrested.
 Under falso colors-Tho checks of a great many womon.
 Tho lava mower, after all, really "kecps off tho grass"
 Relatively speaking, what's tho mat ter with ''couutry cousinsf'
 Apropos of ''high rollers" the elo- vatcd trains suggest thamsolvoi as giddy.
 To the thrifty housewife baking day is m occasion replcte with stirring h. cidents.
 It is to be assumed that tho doaler in ships canvas employs none but oompe- tent sails -mea.
 B,bby-"What di you say, Paf' Pa IN VT mind. Bobby-"I don't oftoaer than l hsvo to, do Il
 'Amonr' says the pastor, in solemn tone, and then tho ncient maidens lit their eyes and groan, "Ah, m.n"
 Mistress-"Why, N,ra how duty tho chairs arcl" Maid-''Yos, min, there's nobody sat on ,him today, mim." Whyi, general houscmaid liko boot2 Because ono is maid of all work and tho other i. also m, ,do of awl work.
 ''Tho search is fruitlcss," said tho small boy. as ho looked at tho wirs screen covering the corner grocor's ap- plc barrel.
 "Don't forgot tho number-SS. 'shu like two brctz,ls syto by sytc,' is the way prominent Chicago firm prints its letter and bill heads
 Johnny-'Tommy, lets. put our pom nies together and buy ma a nico pros ent." Tommy-"All right. What shall it be7' Johnny-"I gu,ss wo had bet ter get her paddod slipper" Sheriff Qo condemned men eating his last breakfasD- "Will you have somo ham and oggsf' Condemned Man-"A couple of eggs, please, but no ham. Pork giv,s m, indigcstioa."
 Feminine criticism: "What viper that M nc. Z- i,r' 'Thcros no use in making her out as bad as that my doaE Sho only tries 10 bite in order to mako u, believe sho has somo teeth left"
 It must bo curious event, tn, pro- posal of stuttcring lover. He would havo somo difficulty i, telling his fair ono that shc was tn, pup-pup- pearl of his life, and tho dud- d-dud. darling of hi, | heart.
 H use seko,p,r - Professor, h,vo you any suggestions with regard to my bric- a. br nc that ou think would assi [ tn, artistic If ct of my housef Pc fcssor--I would suggest tho advisabii- ty of an auction sale.
 'Ah, so the Spsnish ministers hay, resi- ,ncd," sai Mrs. Homesru,. look. ing up from h,r paper. Minister, arc always preaching about thu duty of resignation, and it gratifying to know that somo of them, nt least, have final ly folio wed thoir own counsel" MT. Knowitall Imparts Information -'Pa," said Johnny K,owitall, 'tho paper say, natural gas i, offensive to the olfactories. What does that mcanW "Ofactorics is misprint. It should | bo oil fac. ories. Tho oil factories don't liko it because natural gas isrunning | their busincs,." "There are fish in the sea-" said the maiden fair,
 1 "As good as ever were caught. 80 therep i And she tilted her beau and swy went he. | And she found. although there were fish in the sea
 | As good as ever were brought to land, | They wouldn't como out at her comm md, | And the beautiful maid grew pale and sad, l And wished sho had kept the one she had.