davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
She Thought 1t Was a Com pliment.

An ex-minister abroad, who was as popu-
lar in the northern capital where he repre-
sented our government as in his own birth
place, showed his appreciation of the honors
bestowed upon him by marrying the daugh-
ter of one Of the high officials of the state, a
beautiful girl Of Is. The honorable minister
was as proud of his lovely young bride as are
all men of so who are fortunate enough to
have married girl still in her teens, and
most of the honeymoon was devoted to teach
ing her the English language, of which she
was entirely ignorant The lovely little for
eigner learned very rapidly, not only what
she was taught, but every word that dropped
from the lips of her husband, who would
occasionally say very naughty things just to
hear her sweet mouth repeat them. That
this was unwise he learned to his sorrow one
day, when on presenting his wife to an old
friend and schoolmate, she said:
"Oh. Mr.. -, how do you do? l am in
deed glad to meet you, for only the other day
heard my husband say you were the great
est bore in Washington. New York Trib-
n
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
WiIlie'S Manifest Destiny.

81 confess / am sometimes sorely per-
plexed," said the father, with heavy sigh,
''when l think of the future of my boys. 1t
is great responsibility to have the choosing
of a calling in life for them"
Through the open window came the voices
of two of the lads at play.
"Look here!" loudly exclaimed Johnny,
''that isn't fairl You've divided these mar
bles so as to get all the best ones in your own
bag"
didn't l have the trouble of dividing
'em" reiterated Willie, hotly. ''Think I'm
going to spend my time at such jobs for
nothingp'
$50 far as Willie is concerned" resumed
the father, after pause, ''the task of choos-
ing vocation is not so difficult l shall
make a lawyer of him. Chicago Tribune.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
A Guinea Pigs Misfortune.

1t seems that in the wisdom of nature
guinea pigs have no tails-and thereby hangs
tale. A South Minneapolis carpenter re-
Gently invested in dear little guinea pig for
the edification Of his youngest boy. Before
the wondering youth was presented with the
animal the father gave him this admonition:
snow, look-a-hear, Johnny, don't you hold
that pig up by the tail or its eyes will drop
out"
The awe stricken boy retired and soon re-
joiced in the possession of his pig. He had
not amused himself long with the pet before
he convulsed the whole family by shouting
out:
Papa! papal somebody's been holdin' this
pig up by the eyesr'-Minneapoli Journal
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Cupid's Decadence.

In ancient days, when all was young,
And love and hope were rife,
Dan Cupid fed on country fare.
And lived country life
He rose betimes at break Of day,
And round the country harried,
Upstirring hearts that were unwed.
And soothing down the married.
But then on wider mischief bent,
He hied him p the city;
And finding much to suit his taste,
He stayed there-more's the pity.
Men built him there golden house.
Bedight with golden stars;
They feasted him on golden grain
And wine in golden jars
They draped his pretty nakedness
In richest cloth Of gold,
And set him up in business,
Where love is bought and sold.
And thus he led a city life,
Forgetting his nativity;
Since then he's gone from bad to worse.
From cupid to cupidity.
Boston Herald.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Quite True.

1t is said that the town Of Rowland, Me-, /,
derived its name from the exclamation made
by an adventurous white man who fell IN
love with and stole away from her fathers
wigwam young and beautiful squaw. he
was pursued down the Piscataquis, where he
took his sweetheart into his canoe and boldly
padded out into the foaming waters In hot
pursuit came the dusky sons Of the forest,
and reaching the banks of the swift flowing
waters they saw the white sanup nearing the
shore They set up cries Of rage which con-
tinued through the night When these came
to his ears he proudly lifted his head each
time, and in classical English cried back:
"Howl and be burned. "-Unidenti6ed.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
CASEY'S TABLE O,ROTE.

Oh, them days on Red Hoss mountain when the
skies WIZ fair nd blue,
When the money flowed like Ekker md the folks
wuz brave nd truei
When the nights wuz crisp and b2lu7y md the
camp wuz all astir
With the joints all throwed wide open nd no sheriff
to demur
Oh, them times on Red Hoss mountain in the
Rockies fur away
There's no sich place nor times like them as kin
find todayl
What though the camp hez busted? Iseem to see
it still,
A-lying like it loved it, on that big md warty h;
And feel a sort of yearnin' md chokin' in my
throat
When think Of Red Hoss mountain md of Casey's
tabble dote!
This Casey wuz an rishman-youd know it by
his name
And by the facial features appertainn to the same;
He'd lived in many places nd had done thousand
things,
From the noble art of actin to the work of dealn'
kings;
But, somehow, hadn't caught on-so, driftin with
the rest,
He drifted for fortune to the undeveloped west,
And he come to Red Hoss mountain when the little
camp wuz new,
When the money flowed like hkker nd the folks
wuz brave nd true;
AND, ldVln been a stewart Oh u DOdUy
He opened up a caffy nd he run tabble dotel
The bar wuz long md rangey, with mirror on the
shelf
Nd o pistol, SO that Casey, when required, could
help himself;
Down underneath there wuz a row Of bottled beer
nd wine;
nd kag of Burbon whisky of the run of SO;
Upon the walls wuz pictures Of hosses md Of
girls
Not much on dress, perhaps, but strong on rec
ords md on curlsl
The which had been identified with Casey in the
past
The hosses nd the girls mean-and both wuz
mighty fastl
But all these fine attractions wuz of precious little
note
By the side of what was offered at Casey's tabble
dotel
tabble dote is different from orderin' aler cart;
In one case you git all there is-in t'other, only
And Casey's tabble dote began in French-as all
begin
And Caseys ended with the same, which is to say
with "vin;"
But in between wuz every kind of reptile bird nd
beast,
The same like you can git in high toned restau-
raws down eastl
Nd windin' up wuz cake or pie, with coffee denny
tass,
Or. sometimes, floating Ireland in soothin' kind
of sass
That left a sort Of pleasant ticklin' in fellers
throat
Nd made him banker after more Of Casey's tab
BILE dotei
The very recollection Of them puddin's md them
pies
Brings yearnn' to my buzzum nd the water to
my eyes;
Nd seems like cookin' nowadays amt what Il
used to be
In camp on Red Hoss mountain in that year Of 6S;
But may be it is better and may be I'm TO blame
I'd like to be alvin in the mountains jest the
same
I'd like to live that life again when skies wuz fair
nd blue,
When things wuz run wide open md men wllz
brave nd true
When brawny arms the finty ribs Of Red Hoss
mountain smote
For wherewithal to pay the price Of Casey's tab
BILE dotei
Eugene Field In Chicago News
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
experts" In the Court Room.

Under the present usage the expert
bears witness for one side against the
other; whereas the truth being neither
black nor white, but gray" may stand In
the middle of the disputed territory. The
science of the court room is Hrigious, not
judicial; and no place Is found for the un-
biased presentation Of fact. regardless Of
its bearing upon the personal interest at
stake, and with fair credit given to genu-
Inc doubts and uncertainties. To the
scientific partisan the court room doors
are wide open; to the scientific jurist they
are practically closed, for no one wants
his services. In criminal cases, perhaps,
better showing may be made; for here
we have an ;mpersonal state seeking to
do exact justice, and its experts have no
private end to crafty. If, however, they
are incompetent. the criminal, perhaps q
poisoner, may escape punishment, and
glaring cases Of this kind are on record.
Professor Frank w. Clarke in Popular
Science Monthly. sa
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Changing OF.

Mrs. Crimsonbeak-Well, what did the
doctor saya
Mr.. Crimsonbeak-He said my system was
out of order.
''What are you doing for its'
"Oh, I'm going to try the doctors system
for q little while. n-Yonker Statesman
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
ONE OF BILL NYE'S FIRST EFFORTS.
A Thrilling Piece of Verse Published in
His Earlier DAYS.

| A Thrilling Piece of Verse Publ shed in
His Earlier Days.
At different times we have read different
stories upon the subject of the discovery" Of
Bill Nye The popular tradition is that The
Denver Tribune was the first paper that
recognized the merits of the genial humorist
and exploited them 1t appears. however,
that Nye contributed to another Colorado
paper before his connection with The Tribune;
this was The Georgetown Miner Mr.. E. H
N. Patterson was then editor of that paper,
and he was the first editor, we think, to en-
courage the Wyoming genius At any rate,
Nye contributed to The Georgetown Miner
before his fame reached Denver
We have one of Mr.. Nyes first contribu..
tions to The Miner, and we give it herewith.
It is of interest, first, as being one of the pop
ular humorist's early works; second, as con-
tanning poem by him; third, as affording
an opportunity to such as may be disposed to
compare Nye's early work with his later
work, deriving from such comparison pretty
good evidence that his work has greatly i'm
proved in quality:
"The following poem was composed while
the writer was recovering from a very vio-
lent attack of bilious collie; but it is a sweet
little thing, with vein of touchfulness run
ming through it and sticking out in places.
There is something indescribably sad about
it. Most every one who has read it felt sad
after they got through Idon't know whether
7 Lox q: I -,
it, or preserve it in alcohol:
Darling, have often thought
That I'd put my racket in,
But I've had to listen on
To the music of your chin.
''Win you love me when I'm old,
And my locks are turned to grayi
Will you buzz into my ear
With your grand and flowery playi
when weigh 200 pounds
Will you keep your love for mef
Will you promise, cross your heart
That you'll hold me on your kneeS
''Shal we be the as now
After we have ol'nr grown?
When you're troubled with boil,
Will you be my ownest ownf
''When my hair is dappe gray
And cannot make it curl,
Shall be your solid pard-
More SO than the hired girl?
''Will you hover o'er my head
When I'm going up the fume?
Will you weep and paw the ground
When I'm planted in the tombs
"Will you watch the lowly spot
Where your loved ones dust is laid
With your shotgun cooked and primed
For the student with his spade?
''Will you shoot him full of holes
If he digs around my tomb?
Will you send him by express
To his long, eternal home?
"Any one sending me 81 as an evidence Of good
faith will receive the answers to the various Co
nundrums propounded in this little gen.
Eugene Field in Chicago News
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
An Unanswerable Argument,

Tonsorial Artist-You want to try some Of
mine patent hair tonic; your hair vos got
thin on top already.
Customer-Why don't you try it yeurselfi
You're balder than am.
Tonsorial Artist-Ya; but rebresent 'pe-
fore using" Look at dot barber py der next
chair; be rebresents latter using two bot
ties" We know our peezness, amt itfE
America.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Advancing Civilization.

St Paul Mother-Johnny, don't put your
knife in your mouth while eating that piece
of pie.
Johnny-But, mamma, we all used to put
knives in our mouths.
st. Paul Mother-That was when we were
living in Chicago Remember we are in. st.
Paul now-St. Paul Pioneer Press.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
A Fair Warning.

The skill Of the ordinary advertisement
writer is continually illustrated It almost
pays to read the advertisements to get the
queer examples of business English that they
contain. The other day the writer noticed
this:
'If you buy pair Of Dumkopf's panta-
looms you will never buy another. Boston
Transcript.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Even Harder.

"Is there anything so hard to find as a
needle in haystackg" he said. with sudden
flash of meteoric brilliance.
YES" she responded softly, lit is quite as
hard to find haystack in a needle. Did you
ever try to find a haystack in needle, Mr.
Brady Washington Post
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
High Ideas.

Pater Familias dnterrupting)-Yo girls
should fix your minds on something higher
than dress.
Mary Ann-That is what we have, pa. We
have got our minds fixed now on a couple of
lovely high hats down at Mrs. Feathers mill
nnery rooms.-Yankee Blade.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Not Far Enough Along.

A little boy complained that his bter had
purposely pushed him, which she denied. Her
father, taking her aside, said: Nov, Abbie.
don't you go to Sunday school, and don't they
teach you that it is wrong to tell lies7" I'VE
haven't got SO far as that" she interrupted
-Woman's Work
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Helena, Montana, Thursday, March H. 1889.
An Unfortunate Name.

Philanthropist-My friend, you look as II
you were out of worka
Pale Young Mani am indeed, sir. For
tune is pretty bard on me.
Philanthropist-What kind of job arc
you looking for9
Pale Young Man-Cashier in bank; but
my name is dead against me.
Philanthropist-What is your name9
Pale Young Man-De Camp.-Burlington
Free Press.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Improving the Occasion.

Little Dot-Mamma, papa was readin' in
the paper bout a oatmeal mill that exploded
awful in Chicago.
Mammal suppose the meal was not man
aged carefully.
Little Dot-I dess so. Maybe they didn't
put enough sugar on it.-Philadelphia Rec
ord
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Men and Things.

Men and Things.
A man about to be hanged knows more
than any other living person He always has
the latest moose.
As general thing cowboys do not marry.
It is a mystery, too, for each one loves a
las-so.
The man who works the brass brick dodge
is not likely to win golden opinions from his
victims
When you split your sides with laughter
you must run till you get stitch in them.
It is the astronomer who most frequently
rises to observe.
The lazy mans pet flower is the dahliah.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Working a Mine.

Head Waiter-Didn't Mr. Goodbeart tip
you just nowl
Waiter-Yes, sab; CUB me half dollah.
"Well, you wait on that new guest and give
some other waiter a chance at Mr. Good
hearts table He isn't more than half
through yet Philadelphia Record
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
In the New Flat.

Mrs. Honeymoon-Oh. Charlie. what
small room this isl
Mr.. Honeymoon-Very. Spare room,
s'pose. Sparest room Of the lot.-Harpeg's
Bazaar.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Exchange Of Courtesies.

Mrs. Donohue-I wad have ye comprehind
that me own family always moved in the
higher circles Of sasiety.
Mrs. Doyle-I am aware Of it, Mrs. Dono-
hue. have always heard that the scum al
ways rises to the rop.-Texas Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Painters of Political Portraits.

Sign painters graduated to portrait work
turn out from five to seven portraits in
twelve hours. but the rapid and careless
way in which they are done is illustrated
on many of the banners now strung. Two
or three men often combine in painting
political portraits. One will do the draw
ing of the head and the rough lines OF the
face. Such is known as the likeness"
artist, and it is he who is expected to
catch the expression. One or more men
fill in the coloring and details OF dress.
In this manner the work can be done
quickly end to a certain extent correctly,
providing, of course. that those engaged
have had any training N portrait paint
iup.-BrooSlyn Eagle.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
A Shri1l INN.

"That's bright boy Of yours, Brown" re-
marked Terwilliger.
"Yes," growled the old man. "He has al
ready begun to make noise in the world."-
New York Evening Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Effects of Mill Weather.

Good Citizen-Did you dispense any charity
today7
Wife-Yes, fed three tramps
"Poor fellows! Who were they7'
1.-TWO coal dealers and plumber. "-Phila-
delphia Record.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
An Epitaph.

A much esteemed but injudicious man
Caught cold in JAN,
And tangled thus in fate's mysterious web.
He died IN Feb.
AChicago NewH
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Faint Heart.

Jack-Now, look out, I'm going to kiss you.
Sallie preparing to run)-Oh! ohll oh!i
You wouldn't darel Jack wavers) would you7
brakes Magazine.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21

Young Mr.. Porcine-Didn't young Mr..
Wabash, Miss Breezy, board here not long
sinces
time ago. We all liked him so much. He
was such a gentleman-so quiet and refined
in his tastes-but he jumped his board two
months ago, and we haven't seen him since.
New York Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
The Story of a Life.
Only One Thing More.

OnIy On0 TnInS MOres
Diner to slow waiter)-Some roast beef,
well done, potatoes and glass of beer.
Waiter-Yes, sir. Anything else, sira
Diner-Yes, I'd like it today.-Exchange.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Sweet Sympathy.

Oliver-I do not think am quite myself
this evening.
Jeannette-Anow mo to congratulate you.
Life.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21

Fair Passenger ito her travelling compan-
ton)-Do you know, Mr.. Sampson. that feel
very nervousa
Mr. Sampson-What makes you feel that
waya Do you anticipate dangera
Fair Passenger tshyly)-No, don't antici-
pate any danger, but we are approaching q
tunnel-The Epoch.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Accidents In High Life

Accidents In High Lit6s
First Tramp-Say, pard, how'd 70 smash
yer fingerl ~
York Weekly.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21
Under tho AIistletOe.

Ii she'd been his sister,
: He'd never have kissed her;
But she was his cousin.
And he gave her q dozen.
-Somerville Journal
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-03-21

The monster Ill ton cannon recently
manufactured in Germany carries twenty
miles.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1889-03-01
Masked xURDgRsRS IN PENNsYLTAxrA.
suoorrse DOWN AN OLD MAN IN ORDER 10
STEAL his MONEY

L,sunler, Pshn., Feb es.-The entire county 10 in
fsvar Of excitement and rage over the news OF .
murder The scene OF the crime farm about ton
miles east OF hero Jennerstown, Somerset County
About o'clock last night. while Herman UmborGor
and hs wife were seated their dining fro,
they were aroused by . knock 1t the door. hr. m
berger opened the door and was confronted By two
masked men, who informed Him that they wers ofbccrs
They said they bad warrant 10 make an Investigator
OF hts premises br Iewelry that Ina pces
stolen from . pedlcr in that neisheornooa sou'e
time ago. They also showed parnrx upon ~"'sn "ot'
names Of number OF farmers In the vicnity' ~n'oa
they claimed they had searched Af'er cogssaoc
able elaboration Mr.. Vmbergec finally cohson'ea !"
permit the search After several articles hsh neoa
searched he opened . drawer In which lay poehne
book containing $4,000. Tie informed bis "si"rs
that the book contained nothing but valuable cePos
and PLACED it In his pocket ThcJ replied hA sney
not aitnr his money bus were simply do'hs .nea
duty % ouice.s Of the Law. The oN '@o!
who was with them up to this nme want ose.
to the kitchen She had scarcely rscneo
thore. when she wss startled BY hearing
The murttc-ous exclamation.
Monoy or your life.
ehe hurried toward the room, out oclorc sne
there terrible death struggle was on several shoes
wcrc rcd and sho rushed TO tho farm Dell sna ooe~.
10 ring 10 violently. she returned to the mouse sno
the scafre was still going on. 4 moment later she
heard Ave shots arcd and then all still She
went into the house and found the old man lying
dead upon the floor Two Of the shots TOOK enect IN
his body one passing through his heart, tne o.nes
nahing nesh wound In his aide Death had rcsuisso
tnstantaneously.
Tho villains after securing the pockstbook eontsr'
ing the $4,000, made their escape. They were
tracked In tho directio. Of the mountains. when We
tran was lost The murderers are descneed enc -
wearing slouch hat The murdered man w. about
seventy years Of age, aud LIVED al alone WITH MS 80
he opiy reason that can DO assigned for the ElnnG
that he recognized tho thieves HIS wife yss tns ohs
wltncss 10 tho cold biooded, deed but she was 0S
feeois 70 Aid her SusSand Parties Of men ere scear
ing the country, and win shoot down tho muroef0'
II they are caught.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1889-03-01
DANCING FOR CHARITY.
srcoEseruu, BALL or THE PCRIM A'socIATIoN-
PEOPLE WHO WERE THztE.

PEOPLE WHO WERE THA'tE.
Tho words Puriu7 an CHARITY In gas lets,
blazod over the stage Of TIE Notr0 oltsn Opera
House lss, evening Youth, heenty nd wealth as-
semhled 10 make memorable The snrx Al ball Of the
Purirn Association. The door was ctov aod than
last year II possible, with merry and chs rmng dancers
and the financial result Of the ban win DO the raising
OF handsome sum Of money FOR at. Sit al Hospital.
From the dome Of the ball room, ut which was an
immense bouquet OF roses ran garland Of flowers to
tho balconies Tho boxes scfo fostools with flowers
Al tho entrance Of the ballroom w,S bower Of
eyergrecns pottsl plants and exoticS4
Among tho box occupants 10 he pArtsrp row
were Isicor Wormsor, Max y than Isidor
strauss, a, strauss, A. Do nheimer, l.,
Otleuheiner, Eo!omon Lnco, -. Un-
mau, T. LewtsohE, IL Thslmaa, J. g. Ptrs, L. q.
BloomIngdao aud L. strNsbcrser. II the nrb ter
were f. C. stanton, s. u. soloaon, T. Asniel s.
sshafer A. Tawzer, J. Koch. j. p. Sc tn, y. Russak,
A BluIncntbsl, J. f. BsTbergot, L., Levy, Isaac
Hium. s. Nc,asta4tt c. schIcssingcr. stenry Ries n
Morrison, l. N. HOrnibGl, B. Hscn, ! LsberEer and
/. Topntz. st+.r. J
Among Others prcsept were Mayo ofaat Judge
A. 4 lawrence, Judge simon H. K.rs n. Police Com
missioner Mclean ard Mn. Mclean idso Morgan J.
O'Brlon, esJndgp and Mrs ]. c. Dss ~ David spcro,
Henry Nathan aud Coroner SID Mrs Lazy. a..
I. The opening nAchs Pprir's Wasad ct II O'Clock
b. Mosez r. Noses preedeat OF The ~ dn Association,
and A,s Boses, snd ssa dsneics asv until an early
hour - ~- p -, a..
Tho aes- ceai,a,ts.e wa; AZ, II loses, chairman
1 q. ,bahnfos, q. A. Cohen. L. nc e., J. l. Brusn,
s, KoeA.- A. Bernhard. b A,iiua. 200 Gala, ASz