The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1889-12-13
NUMBER 40.

have it, Upandownjohn was put upon
the committee
They met, and, as is usually the
case, two OF the members really had
no time TO attend to 1t. One had an
engagement at the theater. the other
was to take his sister-or some one
else's-to the opera.
Upandownjohn." said the first,
you have nothing to do, and are
handy with the pen. There is no
earthly necessity for keeping US here.
You just write out the usual resolu-
tions, and send them down to the
Screamer, the Soarer and the Spoutcr
in time for tomorrow morning."
''How sha II / treat the deceasedP"
asked Upandownjohn.
go, in the usual way. Speak of his
qualities as a man, the feelings OF the
club at his untimely taking-off, the
sources of consolation we have, his
qualities as an actor; hurl in some
thing to alleviate the pangs of his
family; speak OF his general standing.
and put in a strong dose of general
comfort, and so on It'll be all right.
You'll attend to it now, won't youP"
at is a disagreeable duty" re-
piled Upandownjohn, ''but I'll do it,
And they left him to his work.
Now. Mr. Upandownjohn had had no
experience in work of this kind, and,
consequently. he wasn't clear as to its
form. So he sent for the scrap-book.
in which such utterances of the club
had been pasted from the beginning.
He was shocked. There were a great
many sets of resolutions on deceased
members (the liquors were bad at
the Leviathan) and they were pre-
cisely alike They ran as follows:
WHEREAS, 1t has pleased Almighty God, the
ruler OF the universe, 20 remove from our
midst our esteem ed brother, John James So
and-So; and,
WHEREAS, II IS fit that we, his afflicted sur
vivors OF the Levislhan club, should publicly
express our sore grief at this great bereave-
ment; therefore. be IL
Resolvsd, That in the death Of John James
So-and-So, IN Club has lost worthy mem
ber, society an ornament his family an anec-
tionate father ana husband, the State pillar
and defender and the world at large ono 1t
could il!y spare.
Rsso!Osd, That while We mourn with sorrow
that seems 10 have no alienation under the
great affection that has fallen upon US, we can
not but bow IN humility 10 this inscrutable de-
cree.
Resol0sd, That we tender our heartfelt sym
pathy 10 the family and relstives OF the de-
ceased
RESOLVED, That the clubhouse be draped in
mourning for thirty days in memory Of the
deceased,
As he finished, Mr.. Upandownjohn
brought his fist down upon the table
till the glasses jingled.
what stuff this isr' he said, indig-
nantly. 81 knew So-and-So. He was
dishonest and untruthful mana
tyrant in his family, a trader in pol
itics, n disagreeable man in society,
and a curse to humanity generally.
And they mourn him, do thcyP And
/ suppose they want me to mourn
Ranter. who is TO be embalmed to-
night Hal Hal / will astonish these
people l will write one set of honest
resolutions l knew Ranter, who has
just gone hence, and justice shall be
done him, sure l will be as mild as
can be, and do him justice. but will
be honest with his memory"
So Mr. Upandownjohn called for
fresh pens and ink and paper. and
wrote; and having made fair copies Of
what he wrote. took them himself to
the Office of the Screamer. the Spouter
and the Soarer, and went home and
slept as only he can sleep who re
joices over a duty done and we'll done.
The next morning the members of
the Leviathan were astonished at
reading in the journals the following:
WHEREAS BY a long course OF most outra-
geous dss patton, OF late nights, OF late suppers
OF the grossest food, of perpetual beverages Of
the most villainous kfnd-thoSe that give the
1 stomach no show whatever-by unchecked and
a-rulr faf in luI in he
scnsuEliry. in bret by Along-continued series OF
the vllest outrages upon the physical mental
and moral man. our late member, Arthur
Simpson Ranter, has been taken 20 that
bourne from which We earnestly hope he may
never rcturn and
WHEREAS, when a member OF tho Leviathan
Club expires, Il is customary TO commemorate
him. 20 give HIM L send-on, as IL were; there
fore be it
Rzsotred, That when we remember the val
famous hab!t he had Of revoking at whist, and
also his adroit way OF sliding out of paying the
score whenever he lost the rubber, our grief
at his departure IS severely uitigated II not
entirely subducd.
Res0lrsf, That the prom ptness Of our late -
sociate IN accepting invitations 10 slake his
thirst and his intolerable tardiness in recipro-
eating, did more honor 10 his head than 10 his
heart.
RssOlEed, That his habitual untruthfulness,
his utter disregard for MS word, ard has blus-
tering and overbcaring manner, were the best
points in him, they served a warning 20
The younger members of the club. For this his
demise IS TO be Iamcnted
RsSO'-ed, That his habit Of getting boozy be-
fore eleven q. m. and staying in that condition
as long as there was good -natured man in the
club, gives US, his survivors. good reason 10
pause and ask no more that conuadrum ''Why
was death introduced into the worldr'
Resoired, That when We remember the sue
cess with which late brother borrowed
money. and his utter forgetfulncss OF such
4 transactions, our hearts are softened toward
Adam uchT VII gfu DO
made 4 part OF the economy OF nature), and we
publicly thank that lady and gentleman for
their investigating turn Of mind, and hurl back
Indignantly the charge that they did not do
the best thing possible for posterity
Resolred. That in the death Of our late
brother. who was vile actor he was
bad as man, the long-sunering. theater-go-
ing public have boon, the sweetness OF
We extend them hearty congratulations
| Resotred, That we congratulate Mrs. Ranter
! upon the fact that her private fortune was set
tied upon herself and 50 skihfully tied up
that her late husband. our deceased brother
could net got cent OF II. And do this re-
memberng how often we have rnounled II was
! so, for the reason that could he have touched
II, he would have drunk himself into IN
timely tomb several years sooner than he q d
| Death, with Us. ouries all animosity and does
away with all acrimoay.
ResofgsZ, That the club house be nluna,-
mated the night Of the funeral, and be draped in
1 white for thirty days IN honor Of this happy
| event.
ResOlref. That this truthful tribute 10 the
memory OF our deceased brother be published
4 IN the Screamer. the Spouter and the Soarer.
To say there was an uprOar in the
club the next morning. as these reso-
lutions were read, would be 10 convey
| very faint idea of the case In the
midst of it, when it was at its height
entered Upandownjohn. cleanly
shaved, and as serene as a June
morning.
| ''Did you write and publish this