News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-05-09
CAUGHT FROM THE ELEPHANTS.

General Oldbeau-The result of q
military education, madam. 1 never
like to see good ammunition wasted.
HE HAD RECEIVED 1T.
Customer (returning)-Didn' [ give
you $5 gold piece Just now by mistake
for Il tivecent piece?
Merchants(positively)-No, sir.
Customer turning to go)-It isn't OF
any particular consequence. / had a
counterfeit So gold piece that carried
simply as curiosity. [ must have lost
it some
Merchant (hastiIy)-Wait a moment.
III look again. ChicGgo Tribune.
DIPUDENT CHARLIE.
Aunt Ito visitor)-Little Charlie, my
nephew, is always up to something.
Now, Charlie, behave yourself; remem-
ber l have an eye on you.
Charlie Which one? If it is the
glass eye, [ don't care. .-Epoch.
RICHMAN PENNILEss.
Returned Traveller - Mr.. Richman
could draw his check for a million when
I left. How much money has he by
this time?
Citizen-He hasn't any.
''Eh? Wha- Did he fail?"
''No; he died.
WIT OF THE wIGwAM.
"What makes that Indian wear such
a big head dress2''
Don't you know?''
SgT
"Why. to keep his wig warm, of
course"
AN ANSWER TO 4 CORRESPONDENT.
Robert inquiries if you should look
directly at a young lady while kissing
her.
Certainly, Robert. This habit of
kissing maiden while you're looking
for the family bulldog or her fathers
boot is by no means in good FORM
/ etrOit Free Press.
AN HONORABLE ENEMY,
Jack Dorr (recapitulating) Yes, sir,
Tom CHM is his own worst enemy.
Sandy Hooks-That may be; but /
notice he never fails to extend the cour-
tesies of war to himself.
TT HAD NO TERRoRs FOR HIM.
$50 this is my claim, is it," unused
the newcomer. "My good man, I don t
wish to put you to any trouble, but
you re on my patch of ground"
81 am, hey!" said the fierce looking
Oklahoma squatter. my friend, dye
see that inclosure staked off thar the
other side of the cabin? Well, that s
my private buryin' ground, an it's full
o fellers that thought they he'd Il claim
on this ranch"
81 see it, replied the visitor, care
lessly, "and it doesn't scare me any. [
umpired ten baseball games in Detroit
last year." he added, with capacious
yawn.
"For heavens sake, mister!" exclaim-
ed the squatter, his faceGturning fright
fully pale and his knees knocking
together. 'give me five minutes to pack
up my traps and light out. - Chicago
Tribune.
FIERCER BEAST.
Poor Old Coldeck-Can You let me
have a little money, sir, to keep the
wolf from the door2
Wise Old Uprite-f appearances don t
belle you, my man, it is not the wolf
but the tiger you need to shun.-PUck.
GIVING HIMSELF AWAY.
Caller Cwatching Col. Blood as he ap-
proaches)-What soldierly bearing
your husband has, Mrs. Blood He
carries himself SO very straight and
erect
Mrs. Blood (without looking around)
I expect so. He has been dining with
some friends.-Lite.
A LESSON IN GEOMETRY.
Teacher-What is q tangent? You
may answer, James.
James-A gent what runs a lanyard.
HER CONSOLATION.
Bankrupt's Wife-Well, at any rate,
the Thompson failure was worse than
ours.
Sympathizing Friend-Why,I Il thought
it was just the other way.
Bankrupt's Wife-No, indeed. Ed
ward only failed for ten cents on the dol
lar, while Mr.. Thompson failed for
fifty
SYMPATHIZED WITH NATURE.
Granger-Doc, thar mus be suthin
left whar you pulled that tooth fer me
last week. It's ached me ever since.
Dentist examining the MOUTH
Nothing here, sir, but vacuum.
'How big!
"Why, about the size of a tooth, of
course :"
"Whap, yank her out, [ knowed
suthin' was wrong. I've heerd that ma
cher obhors a vackeyum an dinged # |
blame 'er f she ever got one stuck inter
her jaw.-Ttnle.
A BIG FOOTED TITAN.
Twas u wonder he ever stopped growing
At his height of six feet seven,
But if less of his legs had been bent off for
feet
His head might havereached up to heaven.
WHY THIS IS JOKE.
"Ethel, will you be my wife 2"
eyes, Harold, i will.
Note.-The joke in the above is the
fact that no allusion is made to the
young mans income, or to the young
woman's money; that she doesn't want
to be his sister; that her little brother is
not hidden behind the sofa, and that
the heavy footsteps of the "old man" are
not heard III the hall. The idea is
strictly original, l,-EpOch.