The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1889-02-02
BENJAMIN DOZARRiS, L.
TuROwER or lHoIGhs.
Artistlc,Illy Arranged :
with
Alterations Artful Aid


ArtistlctlIy Arranged
with
Alterations Artful Aid
Seating himself in Il Sedan Ile lloisted
His Heels on the Dashboard OF our Desk and
surveyed us with the air of an interrogation
mark. We surveyed hin IN turn
"Rum, Rock, and Rye aud Rebellion"
seemed to have Saturated every Seam IN the
Features of his FiSiognomy, and after IA few
Seconds Suspense, we inquired ii he We're
newspaper man.
"Well, something like" he replied. "rm
Journeyman Journalist"
Indeed; and what might be his special line'
photographic Tops" he said Sententiously.
"To be more explicit, | am an analyst aud
synthoSist--an examiner Of the component
Topics of the kilograms as They Tumble ON
To my Table from the Thumbs of tho Too
often Tardy rads, and the combination OF
the separate clements OF news into whole.
duly grouped, classified, headed and sub
headed. Then my special forte Commences
tho Captions must be Crcated-and they
did say roundabouts where last oiliclated on
The Bungtown Busle Blast that in the Lay
ing out of tho Lucrative l.iteratOor | was
Loo-Ioo"
He was then alliterative headline writer
We knew il from the first.
Crime" in all its Cruelty, seemed Cooked
Carelessly on one Auricular Appendage
while Calamity" Cachinatcd on tho other
| Athwart his Cory Gloster Cob, in Grewsome
Glee, "Vice and Vicissitude" Played Peek
boo Dad Luck aud Badness Percolated
| from every Pore OF his Pusillauimous Per-
sonGlity, and Foreign Fragmeuts'-B Beer,
Bologna and Bad Butter-IIung in Hungry
Hunks from his llibernal Harness. "5in
and Sadness" Seemed to have been
twin Sisters 10 him, in Joint Jux-
Imposition. Tho Tragic Track" had
been doubtless well acquainted with his
Battered Boots, and Furious Flames seemed
ready to Burst from his Bottle Blazoned
| Bugle "Tottering Thrones had no Terrors
! for his Temerity, and Bald hnobber Billet
! Doux" raised not Hair on His hirsute
| Head With The Monster Monopoly" he
| had no doubt much less to do than n Globe
Grabbing Could" and, Plethoric Portemon-
uaics had Possessed us much Of u faucity to
him as u Poripatetic Preacher
With duo regard to his feelings, we in
| formed him that that style of headline had
become blase-in fact that the capillary
! covering thereon had become 50 dense that
| even zeroic zephyr found it impervious to
assault. Besides, we were already happily
| provided with an excellent ANALYST and syn
thcsistn Probably something in the line Of
reporting might suit hnat
Yes, he had had experience thcreat, and his
case in the singing of sententlous sentences
might impart an epigrammatic air TO his
! items. For instance, in writing up fire, lie
would 90 at it thus:
I'VE are this morning compelled to chron-
icle "A costly con.lagraton that came close to
consuming n corn crib in conjunction with II
COW inclosure'-
"Stop! stop!" we cried, ''that will never
do. You must drop that all pervadIng aliit-
Grafton. You would ruin every font of type
i'll the office, That's well enough for Blather-
skite Bob at the Burial OF u Beloved Brother,
but viii not do for u Local Lingo. Try
again"
"Well, if the lower case c is scarce will
switch the letter occasionally and he CON
tinuod:
! "Fierccly the flames thrust forth their tor
rid tongues, threatening To take, with tooth
! some taste'-
"No, not" we again interrupted; that sort
of thought throwing might do wero city
| burning up, but for such an uni,nportant in
cident as you arc describing ordinary kaw
river dialect wiz do. Go ON again, but |
give you fair warning am losing my temper,
and though am not splenetic or rash, may
do something desperate"
"Well, here goes" he rejoined Hope III
suit you this time" And he proceeded
"A too tedious telephone transmitted the
fact of the fire to the fire fellows
Human nature could stand no more. His
hour had come.
Selling Snickersnec Suspended on the Side
of the Sedan, we made one Desperate Drive
at the Alternative idea evolutcr, Round and
Round our Rookery the Ragged Rascal RAM
but we kept pace with his caperings. We
Diluted the Dictionary with the Dastards
Death Dye, and we Drained the Believing
Braggart and Bathed in his Diood.
We conquered, but Bozarris fell,
Bleeding at every vein.
Kansas City Times.