The Mason County journal. [volume] (Shelton, W.T.) 1886-1927, 1889-07-26
THE LIMEKiLN CLUB.
The Right Honorable Blackberry DAVIS
Delivers Lecture.


IL ar pleased to announce de fack
dat de Right Hon. Blackberry Davis,
of Charlotte. Moth Caroliny, ar wild
us tonight" said Brother Gardner as
the meeting opened in due and ancient
form. '.De Hon. Davis ar known to
moas' of you as de inventor OF root
beer, an de man who fust found out
dat a dog sleepin' under the bed made
it unhealthy fur de pussons above. he
Or on his way to de Norf Pole, an has
stopped off yere fur day or so to visit
dis club an deliber his address. De
address which he will favor us wild to-
night ar named DE Laws of Health,
an trust dat he will receive your on
divided attenshun while he speaks. He
will now be brung in an interduced. !"
And he attracted much attention as
he passed up the aisle to the platform.
He seemed to have been intended for a
man seven feet high, but had somehow
got sawed off at about five. His left
shoulder was Topped pretty badly, his
head had failed to grow a crop OF hair.
and his right leg fingered behind as his
left went forward. Waydown Bebee
couldn't see any thing literary about
the man. He looked more like some
unsuccessful candidate for the Presi-
dency.
The honorable didn't waste much
time in getting down to business. He
investigated the contents of the pitcher
of buttermilk placed before him with
a sigh of satisfaction, wiped off his
mouth from north to south and back
again, and in voice resonant of cow
bells and libe1>Y he said:
''My frens, what is health? ! doan'
'spose one single pussOn in dis hall has
cher giben de least thought to dat
queshun. BAR ar two sorts of health
good an bad. [Agitation.l Some
of us hev one sort an some de Odder.
As rule, man ar BON in good health.
Natur' starts him out all right, an il
any thing happens to gin him de bill.
yous colick it's his own fault. Sup
pressed groans.] Oar ar sartin laws
to govern society, SIGH as not stealth
anybOdy's chickens - keepin' away
from odder peoples wood-piles-gwine
right by a smoked ham which de
butcher has keerlessly left hangin' out
doahs ober night. [Sensation on the
back seats If you obey dose laws
you needn't be skeert an jump under
de bed when policeman knocks on de
doah. If you doan' obey 'em you
must suffer the quenseconses.
"My frens," continued. the orator,
after looking into the pitcher again.
''dar' am sartin laws regardin' health.
Dey is Natur's laws. She holds us jist
as accountable as de police. Fur in
stance, if Pickles Smith invites Samuel
ShinOber to his house to dinner what
does Samuel do? He dOan' eat muffin
fur two days befo' hand, and when he
sots down to dat table. groanin' wild all
de luxuries which wealth kin purchase,
he calkerlates on filling right up to the
brim. He eats till dey hev to draw him
away from de table. He has trans.
crossed law of natur'. Natur' says
we mus not Obercrowd our stomachs.
Agitation. Along about midnight
Samuel is tOOken wild awful pains, an
three doctors hev hard work to save
his life. Faint cheers.
"Natur' says we need bout eight
hours sleep. Giveadam Jones goes
ober to see Elder Toots. an dey sot an
play checkers till two o'clock in de
mawnin'. Mex day boat am limpin'
around an growlin' bout de weather
an cussin' de rich. Agitation.] Dey
transgressed law of natur' an ar
payin' de penalty; but in DER ignerence
dey lay it to any thin else. Shindig
Watkins hires out fur private watch
man at a saw-mill. Seven o clock comes
an he lays hisself away on pile of
lumber an sleeps till half-past six de
mex mornin'. Den he gifts up an
growls about dis bein' billyus kentry,
an labor bein' crushed by capital, an
goes home to tell de ole woman dat
liberty am sham an delusion. He
transgressed law of natur' slept too
long. [Gasps of establishment
"My dear frens," continued the ora
tor as he gulped down the last of the
buttermilk, "dar' am sartin pussons
who regard de human stomach as a
sort O. carpet-bag furnished free gratis
by natur'. In de co.'s of day dey will
throw in whisky, beer, ginger ale,
soda water. coffee, ice-water, meat,
'taters, sugar. vinegar, apples. berries,
vegetables. an whateber else comes
handy. De stomach kicks. or orter, an
de owner is greatly surprised about it.
[Cheers. 1t is only in de las five
Vars dat de Guild people of dis kentry
hev come to realize dat dey had noses
an lungs. Sensation.] Colonel
Huckleberry jackson used to wonder
why de smell of burnin' feathers
choked him up, but he sot it down as a
monopoly of some sort. He let his three
dogs sleep under his bed an went
around guessin' dat rat had died un-
i der de house. Laughter.
'.Dar am sartin laws of health which
ar arbitrary an ar broken at your
peril.
''Doan' go to sleep wild your feet
stickin' up to night breeze to cool off.
'.Doan' sprinkle de sheets wild ice
water to cool off the bed.
''Doan' git yer ha'r clipped off when
de wind is in de nOrf.
"Doan' let your feet go from October
to June an den draw hull tub of cold