St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1889-07-01
BOB BURDETTE.
Quaint Sayings of a Droll HumOr-
list.
TOO THIN.
Brooklyn Eagle.


TOO THIN.
My son, now and then you will come
across news item in the paper which
begins something this way: During
the summer of 1S-I was crossing the
ocean in the steamer - Of the - line,
when a young officer, since married to
the daughter of a well known mer-
chant of this city. etc." Don't read it.
Read patent medicine advertisement,
rather. There will be quite as much in
formation and about five hundred
times more truth in the ad. than in the
narrative that spells the very things
YOU most want to know, in meaningless
blanks and dashes.
DON'T"
Men have gained reputation of
great wisdom, and men have written
books upon this reputation, by giving
advice about what not to do. They say
s'don't' do this and ''don't' do that.
Now, my son, that is all very we'll as
far as it goes, but it doesn't go half way
to the spot. A bridge 100 feet long is of
no earthly account if the river is 200
feet wide. You get just as wet wading
half the distance as you would if
you forded from shore to shore.
The trouble with the ''don't'' people is
they tell you to ''don't' things that you
do few things, and leave a hundred
untouched:- which you can't for the
life of you tell whether to do or don't.
A man who can tell you one thing to do
is worth 10000 advisers who tell you
few things don't. A pilot who avoids
the rocks is good enough, if he knows
all the rocks, but he doesn't; for there
are 10000 of them and he knows only
$500 of them, and is in constant danger
of smashing you on some of the uD-
known 500. But the man who knows
lust where to 90, and that is the main
thing; that is the only thing, i'll fact.
When man tells you to don't" ask
him what you shall do. And if he says
he doesn't know. smite him for person
ating a prophet under false pretenSeS.
Out on the whole don't" crowd, miSer-
able comforters and pilots are they all.
TOO MUCH.
DR.. Squills: You don't take enough
my own salary" DR.. S.: 81 see; you're
overworked."
I'm EARLY DAYS"
Some people are never satisfied with
ANYTHING. Now, while the rest of us
are content to hurrah and talk over the
old times, a hundred years ago, when
Washington was inaugurated, the Allan
tic Monthly discusses 1.-THE Conspiracy
Against Caesar" Fore George! wouldn't
be bit surprised if the Nation turned
IN now and revamped that old story
about 1.-The Expulsion From Eden"
IT KILLED HIM.
Teacher: 'What was the last act of
Washington's life?" New Boy: His
DEATH"
THEY'LL DO IT.
SIT is all well enough" said the
statesman, ito cry, turn the rascals
OUT but how are you going to do it?'
''Start few more Saloons" replied the
PrOhibitionist. "they turn. out more
rascals than anything else in the cOun-
try"
THAT'IL. FETCH IT.
.sWhat's the trouble with yOu?" asked
the doctor. Insomnia" replied the
patient, "Can't sleep, ehP" mot four
hours night" 'Ever tried anything%
Tried everything; all no good." Ever
try anything to keep awaken Patient
sees hope for himself in an experiment
that never was known to fail.
NOT EXACTLY.
Industrious Striker-Were you in the
lockout last month? Lazy Tramp-No.
| was in the lookup.
TAKES THE CAKE.
Crackers being $3.50 pound in Okla
hOma. the man who takes the bakery
there will soon own the whole terri
tory.
THREE TIMES A WEEK.
Miss Neverread-Are you writing for
the Journal of Ethnology now, Pro-
fessor? Professor. (who owes three
years. subscription)-No; it is writing
for me.
WRONG THING.
An agricultural paper says: Use
plenty OF grass seed in sowing grass"
There; you see what fellow loses by
not taking an agricultural paper regu-
larly. Last fellow who sowed our lawn
never read that paper and so he didn't
use anything but plantain seed.
1t all came up, too; splendidly.