Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-07-28
SAID IN FUN.

SAID IN FUN.
One swallow doesn't make a summer.
but several swallows often make fall.
The modern policeman is the great
apostle of progress. His watchword is,
Move on"
Corwigger-"My doctors bill was some
thing enormous" Brown-"So you didn't
have your pains for nothing"
Guest-"Waiter, give me bottle OF
Chateau Laftte." Waiter-"Sorry, sir,
but we have used up all the labels" s."-TeraSS
Sytings.
When the grave digger was asked how
he found life, he replied that he didn't see
much of it around where he worked.
Rochester Express
"What do you think, Chappie, six of
my creditors were at the house at one
time this morning." ''That was a regular
owe-vation, old fep."-TIme.
Farmers wife-"Why do you get up
and leave that piece of steak ?" Tramp
81 didn't ask for work ma am: / asked for
something to eat" ."-Bmiington Free Press.
Parkson-"rll bet so cents that Mel
ville's girl has Tilted him." Richford
-"What makes you think so?' Parkson
why, he's out under the trees looking
for that pipe he threw away last month" "
Keenly-"There's young man who is
going to the dogs rapidly" Sharply
What's the matter with him?' Keenly
HES trying to satisfy an appetite for
wine on an income for beer" Commercial
Gazette
Omaha Sprig-"Your wife has very
large hands, hasn't she?" Mr.. Deadwelght
-"No; about the average size. Why do
you ask?" Omaha Sprig-"WelI, heard
pa say she has had an elephant on her
hands ever since she was married. d."-Oma-
ha World.
De Smythe-"There was only one thing
| ever asked of De Jones that he refused"
Merritt-"Pm surprised to hear that, for
he's very generous; it must have been
something unreasonable" De Smythe
q asked him for some money he had
borrowed"
A schoolboy getting his lunch prepared
for him by his granny, looked up in the old
woman's face, and said" Grannie, do your
specks magnify" "Oh, yes" said the old
lady, " they magnify little" "Ah, weel,"
returned the lad, =" l wad jist like if We
wad TAX them aft when we're cuttin' nv
piece"
Johnny had just been trounced. As he
left the paternal presence he beheld,
through his tears, the family cat cleansing
its fur, cat fashion, with its tongue. ma"
blubbered the youngster, Td like to be
that cat for about five minutes" Why q"
asked his mother. "So's | could lick my
pa."- philadelphia Press.
Mrs. Soke-" This drinking habit of
yours is utterly inexcusable. For my part,
| can't see what you men find that is so
pleasant in your glass;" Mr.. Soke-"My
dear, you should remember that if you do
not see anything attractive in your glass,
it doesn't follow that find no pleasure in
mine. BOSTON Transcript.
Young man." said the rich member of
the church to the young pastor, "you
onght to have been pugilist instead of a
preacher" "Why? l don't understand
you, sir" replied the minister, who was
naturally shocked and panied. "The ex-
PLANTATION is simple; it is very desirable in
a pugilist to be long-winded"
Friend-"Whats the matter? You
look as if you were in bad humor." Chronic
kicker-'I am in bad humor, and have
good cause for it." "What is it? "This
morning something occurred to worry me,
but | was interrupted and l have been un-
able all day long to rememember what it
was."- Philadelphia Sunday Item.
Neighbor Boy-"Ma said she'd lick me
! didn't och 1-O,,,.
watching me from the window; so out
with it or I'll thump you when I catch
you alone" Our Boy-"Well, I'll forgive
you till my big brother gets home, and
then if you know when you're well off
you'll stay mighty close to your own
house."
Old Mr.. Stetson-"You sent your little
boy over to borrow my engraving of The
Prodigal Son ?" Old Mr.. Harcom-"Yes,
Pm going to have a little celebration at
the house tonight" "Would it be imper-
tinent in me to inquire what the little
celebration is to be like?' "Not at all.
My son Jim is coming back from Okla
homa. ."-IEmeS.
Proud father" Coin ter start r church
and Sunday school, are ye? Pve got two
mighty good boys wat'll do for yer Bible
class. They never told lie in their lives
here they come now. Boys, where did
yer git that fowl?" The good boys
"Stold it." Proud father-"See, parson
Err lie couldn't live in them boys mouths" !"
Ntu,seys Weekly.
She ordered fowl for a grand dinner
and made the cook bring his purchase for
inspection. She examined it, tossed her
head disuontentedly and said: ''It is a
poor looking thingw "Oh, mum p' said
the cook, when it is fixed up with truf.
hes it will look entirely different Just
like when You put on your diamonds,
mum p'-Ne1rs Letter.
One of the funniest things that has hap
pened in Greenville, Tenn, for some time
was the shooting of negro the other night
by policeman. The cop blazed away at
the man and shot him in the elbow, the
ball glancing and striking the negro in the
cheek. As he spit the ball ont he said
Look heah, white man, you quit dat
shootin' at me; fus' thing yuh knows yuh
gwinter brake some spectacle pussons
winder glass"
A Georgia paper is responsible for the
following: "a farmer near Hilton hired
a very inexperienced boy to help him
about the place. One morning he told the
lad to salt the calf in the pasture The
| boy took about a quart of salt, rubbed ii
all over the calf, working it into the hair.
| A gang OF colts in the pasture scented the
salt and got after the calf They licked
the hair all off the calf's back, and tried
to lick the hide off too. The farmer tried
to catch the calf to wash it, but the crea-
ture thinking he wanted to lick too kept
ont of the way. The boy and the cali
and the farmer are all very unhappy
The colts are the only ones that got any
fun out of it.