West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1889-04-04
HUMoR's AIRY BUBBLES.
BACHELOR of hearts-cupid.

GIVEN to drink-water. You have to
pay for everything else.
THE carpenter is not necessarily
bankrupt when his stock goes under
the hammer.
THE person who sent letter TO
the city of Sarah Kuse" had bad
spell on him.
JUDoNa from it's name the new
cruiser Chicago ought to outfoot any
vessel in the navy.
CUSTOMER Gin bank)-Is the cashier
out? Clerk-No, sir. He won't be out
for about nine years.
Miss LovELoRN-W Would you believe
De Garry made me blush last night?
Miss Caustic-No; wouldn't.
A MAN is disposed to regard marriage
as n failure when his wife goes on a
visit to her mother and leaves him TO
take care of n six-months-old babT.
sHE was a modest and timid girl,
Retiring weak and shy;
But sho knew 4 oS 70 talk Till your hair would
On the wbcnceness Of the why.
CHoLLY Cocularly)-Taket that pen
Gil out of your mouth. Billy-Say,
mister, who owns this mouth? Choliy
"A syndicate, probably, Judging from
it's size.
Mr.. BoND-Have you attended die
Walkure, Madam? Mrs Stock (super-
ciliously) Certainly not; I don't feel
the slightest interest in these pedes-
trian matches.
HANNAH MORE, it is related by ira
dition, never was kissed in her life"
is it possible that this betrays the
origin of the slang phrase, "That's
what's the matter with Hannah7"
LITTLE boy-Do hotel clerks get big
salaries? Kentucky uncle-Not often.
"Then how can they afford such big
diamonds?" well, you see, they don't
have to pay anything for their Ticker"
Mr.. LUsH-I made wager last
night and lost. bet could swallow
atumbler of brandy and hold my breath
for ten seconds. Merritt should
have known you couldn't hold anything
as strong as that
MATTERS assert that the average
American head is considerably smaller
than it was fifty years ago. This is
strange, considering that the average
American head is often 90 much larger
to-day than it was last night.
TIME, patience, contact, American
clothes, finecut chewing tobacco, and
cigarettes are gradually but surely
working a change in Chinaman John,
and the day may come when he can
drop on a street-car and light on his
ear with the best of us.
REV. II. HEBER NEWTON thinks the
world wants new religion If he re-
fers to brand of theology that will
permit young man to attend church
fair without being seduced into paying
50 for lO-cent pin-cushion he will find
many persons to agree with him in his
belief.
A GENTLEMAN addressing the scholars
of large school observed among the
decorations about the room an Ameri-
can flag, and said: Children, can any
of you tell me why that flag was hung
there?" ITO hide the dirt" quickly re-
sponded one sharp boy who had assisted
in making the preparations for the oc-
casion.
BUFFALO man recently counted the
motions made by BARRIERS hand dur
ing the process of shaving one man
and found them to be 678. Add to this
the motions made by the barber's
mouth the while and the result is q
Marvellous sample of what may be got
for 10 or 10 cents.
"YoU used to think little more of
me and not quite so much of yourself
in the days when you were counting
me" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, tearfully.
during the course of little coniugai
conflict. "You never said q truer thing
than that" replied the brate. "I forgot
myself entirely at that time or never
would have proposed.
YOUNG actress (seized with stage
fright-Ol OF Pm afraid to go on.
Manager (reassuringly) 20, pitch right
in; don't bother about the audience.
No one will see you. "They won't T"
me; there is large and fashionable
theater party having good time in one
Of she boxes, and they will monopolize
attention this evening"
IN contradiction of the statement of
Polonius that "the apparel oft pro-
claims the man." an exchange saws
apparel is nothing" To our mind there
is a great deal in it, It is impos-
sible for a bandy-legged man To
look grave and dignifiod whose boot
heels are worn down on the outside to
an angle of forty-fiye degrees.
CIVILIAN What do you think of the
dynamite cruiser, the Vesuvius? Naval
officer (dubiously)-Well, she's pretty
fair sort of vessel. Civilian Ctestily)
Why, what's the matter with her
Naval officer The cruiser is swift
enough and all that sort Of thing. but
] give you my word as a gentleman that
her dancing accommodations are
simply wretched, shamefully made
uuato