, 1889-05-16
HUMOROUS BITS.
A blow in the dark-A curtain Iect,

A blow in the dark-A curtain lect-
ure.
Oae OF the curiosities never seen IN the
dime museums is the man who is deal,
and still is willing TO admitit.
The valentine business was created to
catch soit-beads, aud it is the only day
in the year that the old fool and the
mOon-struck youth can call their own.
Mrs. Gabb (reading )-"Wakefield has
millionaire who sleeps in the barn with
his horse" Mr.. .Gabb (brutalIy)-"Well,
horses don't talk"
Edith-you seem to grow younger
every day. hope you don't think your
self getting old? Hortense-Not so long
as the gentlemen uffer m, their seats in
the cars.
Young man lin jewelers. shcp)-I see
that big diamond trust has just been
formed JeweIer-Yes. Young man
(persuasively)-Say, suppose you and l
form one. You furnish tho the ring and
I'll constitute the trust.
81 never felt so much ashamed in my
life as lid yesterday afternoon" said a
member OF congress.
''What was the mattcr?'
sit wasn't anything serious; merely
one of those occurances which come in
the most inoppcrtune mannor to embar-
rass fellow called on a friend-a
senator-and was obliged to wait for him
some time. There was decanter and a
wine-glass on his centre table, and with
out thinking anything of the matter, l
proceeded to help myself. Well, the
confouuded bottle was one OF those
April fool Hffairs that have music box
concealed inside. The machinery OF the
box is so arranged that when it is tilted
something or other slips its mooring and
sets popular melody going. That's
just what happened to me. ! replaced
the bottle on the table while 'Peddy
Duffy's Cart was trundled through the
atmosphere with diobolical distinctness.
OF course, my host come in at that mo-
ment, and the smile that came over his
countenance was scarcely perceptible,
yet exceedingly cutting. Really there
was nothing wrong in my taking glass
of wine, considering my familiar footing
at the house; but it was very funny for
my host"
A Fort Kearney stage driver, with an
eye for horse flesh, met man with a
miserable team of half sick and aged
little mules. The sight was hateful to
HIM, and straightway he pulled up mis-
horses.
Look-a-here, pilgrim! know n man
that would give $500 to see them mules"
"Why," exclaimed the mule driver,
startled by such lucky possibility,
"yeou daon't say SO! Who is he?"
Hes blind man." answered the
coach driver. "G'lang"
Mr.. Pettygrew of South Carolina, was
as famed for repartee as legal acumen.
On one occasion he entered the court of
common pleas, Abbeville district, clad
in linen summer suit. He had to take
jury suit at once, and borrowing a
black robe from fellow barrister, went
at it,
South Carolina has all the old English
form and fuss, and the Judge said: "Mr.
Pettygrew, you have on light coat
You cannot speak"
Pettegrew replied: ''May 1t please
your Honor, l strictly conform to the
law. Let me illustrate. The law says
barrister shall wear black gown and
coat, and your honor thinks that means
a black coat"
eyes, replied the judge.
''Well, the law also says that the sher-
iff shall wear a cooked hat and sword
Docs your Honor hold that the sword
must be cooked as well as the hat?"
Pettygrew was permitted to go on.
One day last week a shabby looking
female witness in New York court, who
was putting on great deal of style, was
asked the question:
'Where were yo" when the row be-
tween your husband and the defendant
occurred? ?'i
Witness with conscious pride)-An'
where wud be but IN my boodwoir
stemming the strawberries?
n. B.-At that time Strawberries were
selling about 81 Il dozen.