Helena weekly herald., 1889-06-13
Helena, Montana, Thursday June 13, 1889.
"DONT,S FOR TRAVELLERS L.
Some Things that People who ''Do"
Europe Should Not Do

Some Things that People who "DO''
Europe Should Not Do
chances are that you'll get seaslck anyhow
if the sea is at all rough. Most stomachs
are so constructed that when the ship
wobbles they get turned inside out. II
you find that you have that sort of interior
department console yourself with the re-
Election that thousands have been there be-
fore, yea, many time, and that in the
economy of nature fishes must be fed.
But if your stomach is built on differ
ent plan don't brsg because you don't get
seasick. The merit isn't yours, and it is
apt to make your society oppressive to
| those who are lees fortunate. In any event
don't lay in stock of patent medicine,
with the idea that it will stop seasickness.
1t won't bat it may upset the fishes.
ont carry a lot of baggage along with
you. Every pound of it that you leave at
home is a pound added to your enjoyment
abroad. Leave that to the effete sciOns of
a played out aristocracy. Style and COM
OOu lila
If it is your first voyage don't tell every
body that it is your twentieth. If you do
great will be the scorn heaped upon you
when you are stretched upon the flat of
your back sucking lemons. Don't act as
though you owned the ship. Don't volun-
teer advice to the captain. 1t may be good
but he won't think 80. Don't pose as a
poet and and pretend that you see things
in the sea that nature never put there.
1t will pay better to cultivate the pretty girls
abroad Don't squander your hard earned
savings by giving enormous tips to the
stewards under the delusion that is the
standard by which your wealth will be es-
timated. 1t will serve only as a measure
to gauge your folly. Be content to tip
modestIy, as do the Astors and the Van
derbilts and such fairly welltO do folks.
When you get ashore don't start in with
the idea of seeing everything that's down
in the guide books. There is no better
way under the sun to get thoroughly
bored. Don't be afraid to skip lots of
things Don't be afraid to follow your own
tastes even if they make you prefer
modern villa to a ruin and modern pic
ture 10 a lot of antique madonnas, apostles
and martyrs But don't 60 in for anything
Just because it happens to be expensive;
don't feel that it is incumbent upon you to
travel always first class. 1t is this pecu-
liarity that has caused Americans and fools
to be put in the same category abroad.
Don't feel that patriotism requires that
you should make the American eagle
scream on every possible occasion. Let the
bird alone. 1t is big enough to take care of
itself Don't 60 around telling everybody
that they manage everything better In
America. Of course America is the great
est nation that the sun ever shone on
and the humblest American citizen is the
peer of the proudest monarch that sits on a
throne in Europe and all that sort of
thing, but so dense and colossal is the
ignorance and prejudice of most foreigners
that they have not yet found it out, and
you can't convince them of it either
Therefore be patient. The schoolmastsr is
abroad, and some day they will willingly
testify to the SURPRISING glory of every
thing American. Meanwhile learn
lesson from the oyster and know when to
shut up.
Don't seek to emphasize the fact that
you are American by using the mantel-
piece as foot rest. Better use another
chair for that purpose, but don't even do
that if you can help it, because foreigners
have queer prejudices abont the proper use
of furniture, and it is worth while to
humOr them.
Don't abuse the barber because he does
not know how to shave you as well as J our
pet tonsoIial artist in America When you
pick up foreign newspaper, don't feel
called upon to declare soudly that it isn't
half as good as the Hogsville Clarion or the
Wayback IOOter. Your opinion is of course
correct but such remarks give offepse.
Comparisons are odious. For the same rea-
son, when you meet an Englishman, who
in his ignorance imagines he is well
dressed, don't tell him that his clothes fit
him like a shirt on bean pole. English
mer, and foreigners generally, are deficient
in appreciation Of humoT. In fact, man
seldom does see tine point of joke when
be is the butt.
Don't make it point to speak of distin-
guished people ESQ regarded by benighted
foreigners) as "his royal nibs" or "blue
blooded pauper," or any thing of that Sort
Better reserve these observations until you
get back.
On the other hand, don't become an
Anglo maniac or a French maniac, or any
other sort of maniac. Don't try to acquire
. drawl; United States English is quite
good enough for any American. Don't |
adopt the monocle; it is bad for the eye
sight. Don't learn to begin every observa-
ton with "Dontcherknow;" it is supur-
1uous and idiotic. 1t is better to be a |
natural home made ass than feeble copy |
,f foreign product
Don't try how quick you can "do" any
hing. Rather 60 slow and take it easy. |
That's the best way to get your moneys |
worth. Hurry means worry.