Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1889-03-07
DINNER A LA CARTE

| w
car the bette noir had no ticket, so he
rendered the regular fare. The con-
ductor was sorry, but would have to
trouble him for ten cents more, as it
was paid on the train. The bette noir
called me to witness that he rendered
the regular fare. and that he would be
eternally ostracised, embalmed and
| fricasccd in the southeast corner of
Satan's hottest precinct before he
would yield any more. The conductor
was a pale, blonde man, who only gets
mad every four years, but little hectic
spots broke out behind his ears, and a
strange light came into his gentle blue
eyes.
Come over here moment, Shorty"
he said to the rear brakeman. go and
tell Skinney White, on the second day
coach, to come back here with you.
We've got large Suffolk in Section ii g,
that we will have to put into corn
field, I guss. Tell him to bring the ice
tongs out of the baggage car"
Then the bette noir tied his legs
around the car seat and the train stood
still, the engine bell ringing, but two
hundred people waiting the motion of
man who refused to pay ten cents ex-
ira because he had failed to get his
ticket at the station.
Shorty and Skinny both came back
with look of determination and
gloves that had the fingers cut off
Each spat on his hands and took hold
of the dead bette noir. They lifted him
a.little and Shorty fell over into my lap
with small wisp of the fat mans lin
gerie in each hand. They both grabbed
at him again and took out little hand
fulS of bristles as one does who tries to
pull a reluctant shOat from a scalding
barrel on butchering day. At last they
lifted him and expedited him along the
isle, from seat to seat, as he took little
mementOs from the features of law
abiding passengers, who were all get
ting farther and farther behind time
and losing connections because the bette
noir wouldn't pay his ten cents.
One man said, ''Herel I'll pay the ten
cents. Great heavens! I've got to lee
ture at Talbot, Indiana, tomorrow,
and if | don't get there lose So and my
expenses"
But the passengers said, mo, he
must pay it himself. We will assist in
hanging him to dried apple tree, but
we will not allow anybody to pay his
ten cents for him"
just as he was falling off the plat
form into a cattle guard, the bette noir
paid his ten cents and remained. The
heavy train, twenty minutes late and
liable to lose its rights on the road,
tried to start up grade. The bette noir
with his bristles down his spine column
and his wealth of viscera trembling like
jelly roll, stole my paper and took
seat
That night he snored like the sough
of bath tub, chewed invisible food,
put stoccato inilammatus at the end of
each shore and scared two little moth
erless children awake with his stentori-
Gus recitals. He received a slight tes-
timonial ever and anon, until morning,
when his berth looked like boot and
shoe store. In the morning he bathed
for over an hour, while the rest of the
people stood around with draped sus-
penders, saying things which would
paper like this. He bathed his con-
caved mug and sozzled and spattered
and blew and beloved till he got his
nose to bleeding. Then he got wild
and decorated that whole end of the
tysburg. Finally peace was declared,
and Just as he left the field we drew in
to St Louis. Twenty eXasperated men
unkempt and unwashed, went out of
the car and skunk away to find a hotel.
sink away until | found my overshoes.
They were gone! reached under my
seat and burned myself on the heat
81, tr.u
| ing to look under the other seats, and
then the porter said that ode pussy
gentleman in number leven, sab, took
kipd of doubtless when he lit out, like
he expected he be shot befo' he got
home"
"Wel, which way did he gof" I in
quired.
"Well, sab, he went up toads de
stock yahds, sab, and when l saw him
lasht he was wearin' the eye of gen.
tie old lady from Shakerag, ILL.,, on de
end of his umbrella, sab"
| can imagine such a man in his
home life. He plays the poor sick papa
act when he gets home and eats up all
the jam, and digs the tenderloin out OF
a steak, and the poor old thoughtful
hen comes and contributes to poor SICK
papa her latest and best work. His
poor, meek wife wishes that Heaven
had made her better assignment, and
his children run and conceal themselves
when he comes home.
When the excitement incident to the
resurrection has died away, shall b.
surprised if the patient, sad-eyed, wife
and the scared children on the parloI
floor of heaven, do not receive note
by messenger boy from Poor, sicl
Papa asking them, if they can con
sistently do so, to use their influence
toward getting the Celestial House Co.
} No. to play for few hours in tn,
} overheated apartments of Poor Sicl
Papa" BILL NYE.