The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1889-02-02
DIR. WlsE's GREAT THEORY.

OF Old DIR. Wise,
And his theories queer,
Half fact. half surmise
Which excited such vast scientific surprise.
This old Dr. Wise was wonderful man,
Who mostly 10 projects and theories ran;
He could tell how a fever germ acted and grew,
And always could show you u dozen or two.
Tho the poor devil lying
ever stricken and dying
He seldom or never contrvcd TO pull through.
With the greatest presumption
He dscoursed of consumption
And laid oil the blame on some parasite sly;
As for cancers and tumors,
They came of bad humors,
And absorption would cause them to shrink UP
and die.
But this wonderful mau not alone
As common practitioner shono;
For who has not heard how the whole world
was stirred
When he published his book, "The Domestic
Outlook:
Or, how to Exterminatc Rats
without Ferrcts or Poison or Cats"
Why, the plan was so pretty, so simple and
witty, it seemed great pity
That rats by million and billion and trillion
Should haunt human dwellings in country and
city.
Just secure mad cat;
Let the cat bite rat.
And there'd be a mad rat;
There ends your labor;
He'd bite his neighbor,
And then this other
Would poison his brother
ALI I see your face dimple with Joy at the
scheme;
'Tis Us easy and simple as mince.pie and a
dream;
The madness would spreld
Till the last rat was dead.
But twas most as critic that DIR. Wise came
To make for himself a professional name,
1nr TlaAra ffn,,f
Would escape his physicians by fleeing from
earth
DR. Wise never failed to inditc u review
Which showed that the death to malpractice
was due.
1t is small wonder, surely,
That man OF such skill
Declared death to be purely
An avodable III. which ought mover TO kill
In fact, he announced it to be his conviction
That death in all cases resulted from friction:
For the body was naught but machinery cum
ming,
While life was the power that kept it running.
Then why should not science
Some cordial dstill,
That might bid defiance
To deaths power TO kill.
Some unctuous elixir, to friction superior.
That should lubricate mans complicated in
terror
Whenever he felt himself grow slightly wearierg
This argument met on all sides with great favor,
For Of reason 1t really did seem TO SAVIOR.
Besides, it is true in religion and physc
When the spirit or body is feeble or is sick
Man retains best the nostrums of pleasantest
favor,
Or to hold this thought UP TO more evident
view,
Man accepts as the truth what ned like to have
true.
How many a preacher is salaricd well
For weekly discourse on the absence Of hell
Though his parrotlike lips nothing further can
tell!
Now, in nllhuman breasts is implanted a strong.
Illogical longing to live. and live long,
Antedating De Leon's historical scramble
Through dangerous wilderness, thicliet and
bramble
Over desert and plain and impossible noun
tain,
To regain his lost years in a mythical fountain.
The world then received
DR.. Wise very kindly;
And ere long IL believed
His great theory blindly.
The excitement produced in a storm culmi-
mated,
Into which the famed savant at last Illuminated
That he the inv!nciblc investigator
Had found receipt for the great labricator.
Well, 10 shorten a story already too long,
hail was secured and numberess throng,
The young and the gray
The religious the gay,
Sisters and brothers and ia Tiers and mothers
Assembled from everywhere, distant and near.
A lecture on How TO Live Always" to hear;
No scofiers were there, their belief was com. |
plete
And each brought note book to take the re. |
ceipt.
Eight o'clock was the hour which the Doctor |
had set
Eight o'clock, and he came not; half.past, and |
not yet |
Do his faithful disciples grow weary or fret.
Nine o'clock, and then ten, when at some ones |
suggestion
A carriage was sent for the great man in oues.
tion.
1t went, If returned and the news quickly
spread
That the lecture was OF, for the doctor was
dead.
George Horton, in Chicago Herald.