The Dalles times-mountaineer. [volume] (The Dalles, Or.) 1882-1904, 1889-12-28
NUMBER 90.
"CHESTNUTS."

With many of the performer
ne ballet is a matter of form.
\, Poker is our national game
III and that is why the chips ar
Mt red, white and blue.
20 When a woman asks for som,
lo pin money does she mean sh,
n will only needle little?
e A pig was never known t.
a wash, but a great many people
: have seen the pig iron.
e The devil has particular,
: hot fire for the mother thai
: wants to send her daughter hus.
band-hunting at sixteen.
. Crusty-"Be careful, waiter,
your thumb is in the SOUP" !"
Waiter-"I don't mind it, sir;
|, I'm used to being in the SOUP"
"What is your salary, DR..
Stiggins?" "My salary" said the
clergyman, slowly, "is $4,000.
But my pay is about $12OO."
"You have heard a cat pur, L
suppose, George?"
eyes, Mary, but outside of
poetry you never heard Cow
per-"
care we running on timer"
asked the nervous passenger.
"Not much," said the conductor,
"this road does strictly cash
business.
She-"And will you love me?"
Az the live-long day?" He
"Ye-e-s, l think so. You'll give
me chance to stop for meals, L
suppose?"
Titus Canby-"I want a tooth
pulled; how much will it be?"
Dentist-"Fifty cents" Titus
Canby-"Here's a quarter-pull
it half out"
Redheadvihe is the name of a
hourishing settlement in Ostego
county, Michigan. White
horses are, presumably, pre-
valent in Redheadville.
"My dear sir, how much your
daughter has grown this last
summer. / can scarcely believe
it. Why her dress scarcely
reaches to her shoulders.
He-"My dearest, darlingest
little wifey--" She--"You needn't
employ any of that sort of taffy,
for you won't get the latch-key,
no matter what you say"
That recent snow storm at
Havana was a remarkable event.
That the Cuban brethren were
little frightened is snow won-
der. They decline to Havana
more.
Funny passer-by-"What are
you digging for, my friend?"
Trench digger-"Money." f. P.
B.-"When do you expect to
strike it?" T. D.-"Saturday
night"
Man at telephone Crying to
find out who rung the call)-
"Hello, there; are you 37?"
Young lady at the other end
(indignantly)-"No, you horrid
thing, Pm only H."
81 met Squibbs, the tailor,
at the labor meeting last night,
and he sat at the same table as
the reporters" Taking notes,
eh?" "No, confound him, he
wasn't He wanted cash."
Teacher-"Have animals q
for affection?" Glass
NEARLY ALL" Teacher-"Cor-
rect. Now, what animal pos
sesses the greatest affection for
man?" Little girl-"Woman."
Cant you stay a little while
longer?" asked the criminal, as
his kind friend was about to
leave. "No, Bob, l haven't time
to-day" "Well, ,"sai1 Bob, "take
some of mine. I've got ten years
more than l want here"
Judge Ito police officer)-
"Are you sure, sir, that the pris-
oner was drunk?" Oficer-"Is
it dhrunk, yer honor? Sure, 'af
he I'D shpake through the till
phone, the BIRTH Nv i'm have
made the poles shtagger."
81 never spoke cross to my
wife but once, Uncle Hank"
said Charley Miles.
"Quite remarkable that
quite remarkable"
"Not so very, Uncle Hank.
See that scar"
"If it wasn't for one thing"
said Uncle Hank Allen, "Pde
bet 100000, if had it, on
that bay colt O. mine trottin' a
mile in 2::20."
"What's the one thing ?"
asked Deacon Bonney.
:"The distance, Deacon, is too
great for the time-too great"
The following was overheard
between a Columbia student and
his best girl: Oh, Will, what
lovely flowers. They look as if
they had just been gathered.
Why, there is little dew upon
them. Will Slightly embar-
rassed Mot a cent, | assure
you; not cent.
Prominent Actress-That man
whom you recommended to
me as a competent person to
steal nv $4,000 worth of dia-