Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-12-29
HOW TO BE AFAILURE
A Little Humorous Wisdom Dishet
Up Exclusively for
TIE BENEFIT OF YOUNG AUTHORS,
Recipes for the Manufacture Of Unread
Poets and EOVslists.
HOW TO ACHIEVE PEcuEIARY FAILURE


osity as to the way mot to do It, that 90
many youths and maidens, matrons and
heavy fathers found their way to South
Kensington, says the London Globe, to hear
Mr.. Andrew Lang's precepts for those who
want to fail. Whatever was their motive,
they had the pleasure of simultaneously
helping that laudable institution, the Col
lege for Men and Women, and listening to
q charming exposition of the snrest methods
of coming cropper. For the sake of those
who could not be present, we propose to re-
produce as much as we can remember of the
instruction. Let us begin with the early
preparation.
If your ambition is to be dead failure, at
the outset it is wise to begin observing moth
ing. Don't follow the advice of Mr.. Besant,
and the example of NJ. Daudet by going
about with notebook in your hand. There
is only one thing more ruinous to heaspirant
than observation, and that is hard reading.
Avoid the classics as you do poison. Never
by any chance open q Shakespeare, Bacon,
Hooker, Sir Thomas Brown or any other
great work, home or foreign. Should you
wish to fail in fiction q casual glance ct the
weakest drivel of the most driveling novel;
ist will serve your turn for model, and
though 1t is unwise to trouble about style at
all, look at the thinnest article in the
worst magazine is all you require. Then
cultivate the gifts OF playing such tricks
with grammar as sandwiching an adverb in
an infnitive, like ito ingloriously copy,
and to ANONYMOUSLY live as such ''-''such, I"
according to Mr.. Lang, being always a pro-
noun in the failures grammar-and you
will do very well. Don't forget to begin
early; to be great failure or a great bat,
the training must date from childhood.
There is one word which those who want
to fail as poets must be sure to use. It is SO
familiar to all the editors and publishers
that they recognize in it an old acquain-
tance, and at once proceed to give the sender
his hearts desire. Mr.. Lang recited some
verses of his own to illustrate the sort of
thing he meant We dare not, and we could
not an we would. infringe copyright by re-
producing them, but here are some others
which may serve almost as well, made for
the occasion in close imitation of the bard
who fails:
Only dying ember, only q warming fire,
Only life's December, only deaths desire,
Only last love token, only memory rare,
Only sad heart broken, only a lock Of hair,
Only only
only only
The aspiring reader who wishes to initiate
the style of the unread poet cannot do better
than exercise himself with filling in the
blanks Imitation is a sine qua non of the
art. Initiate Tennyson, Swinburne, Brown
ing, Rossetti, anybody and everybody, but
don't be original. Never plagisrize either.
ALI the common successful poets do that
~ hoI III
that merits failure you would succeed II
some critic were to cruelty your work in
parallel columns. Be careful, too, to write
a cramped, illegible hand. Puzzle the ed
itor with hieroglyphics, and he will be sure
to send your copy back. II you cannot
write SO i'll as to prevent your MS. being
read, the next best thing is to search out ali
the most out-of-the-way words you can find,
and insert them at the very spot where they
will most astonish the reader. Try not to
be simple and natural; but If you cannot
help it, then be commonplace. If you bear
these maxims we'll in mind it will require
the utmost ingenuity in fate to prevent you
from failing.
POINTS FOR NovELISTs.
In these days, judging by the successes,
it does not seem altogether easy to fail as a
novelist; but. nevertheless attention to
a few plain rules will secure il in
10 cases out of 20. A careful choice
Of character and scenery is nearly
enough in itself. Put in 'tthe sunny smiles
of Italy" or ''the soft sweet air of the
Riviera" make the hero either stake and
lose his all or break the bank at Monaco,
utilize the sceptical curate, and the risquee
governess who speaks slang and rides to
hounds, and the quiet, unnoticed governess
with sad eyes. who one day flashes forth as a
radiant beauty; also in comedy the large
family of sloVenly, good-humored girls, who
tear mp the bed curtains for garters,
but who all marry rich husbands.
In introducing your hero and heroine,
never use any but the well-trIed devices,
the bull in the meadow and the sprained
foot being especially recommended. Never
choose your characters from your own So
ciety. If you have been brought up poorly
in the country admit nobody into your book
below the rank of knight or baronet, and
give detailed accounts of ducal dinners such
as in fancy you have conceived them. But
if you are yourself a marquis, twine your
story round the daily life Of dock laborer.
Whenever there is an unsuitable oppor-
tunity give a brilliant specimen of your
finest writing. In that way you will insure
that the publishers reader will direct your
copy TO be made up into a brown paper
parcel and expeditiously returned.
It is essential that you should be very
careless about your manuscripts. Write 1t
only once (as badly as possible) and never
correct it, till, if you ever do, you see the |
proof. That is expensive. and brings about |
pecuniary failure even after a measure of |
success has been achieved.
A SURPRISED TRAMP.
Put the parcel outside the window for |
Pickford's van to call for, and mayhap. as
once occurred in Mr.. Lang's experience, it |
will be stolen by a tramp, when you will |
not only have the satisfaction of failing, but |
the intense pleasure of imagining the thief |
curiously opening what he conceived to be
at least suit of clothes, and perhaps some |
thing still more valuable, and finding only |
a heap of paper. A less satisfactory way Of |
achieving the same end is to write the ad- |
dress so carelessly that the parcel is never
delivered. When it is done, write to q
friend who has distant acquaintance with |
some man Of letters to use his influence for /
it Probably the go-between will scribble /
something in this style: Dear Smith-That |
wretched idiot Jones asks me to write Won /
about some drivelling romance he has writ |
ten. am doing 30 to please HIM, but, Of |
course, / would be the last man to interfere
with the performance of your duty" This
does the trick.
If the best houses refuse TO accept, don't |
for moment imagine that this is the end Of
the whole affair. Publish boldly at your
own expense; it is as well to spend the
money in that way as in any other, or induce
some semi-bankrupt fourth rate publisher to
take it up. The greater rubbish it is be the
more insistent on its appearance.
HOW TO MAKE A BARGAIN.
In spite Of all your precautions the novel
after all may turn out to be marketable, but
n that case you can still manage to be a
Iaflura hv mokino a hod ha~r,a;rs - ,,-stE A., /