Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1889-05-22
TANNING A HUSBAND.
The Sarcastic Advice of u Woman Who
Has Had Three of them.

AsAO SssACoSNAC AONICO Ot - "OLhAu w 10
Has Had Three of them.
Certainly-you can't scold amiss, my
dear woman, exclaims female contributor
IN the New York Ledger. If he hasn't done
this or that he has probably done some
thing else. Scolding clears the domestic
atmosphere; you have to keep up a perpet-
ual cannonading, or there will be q revolt.
Husbands get terribly unmanageable some
times unless they are kept up to the mark.
Don't lose any time about it either. Once
let a man hoist the flag of independence,
and unless you haul it down for him in
double quick time you're a lost woman.
Once allow him to suppose that he's master
OF the house, and the first you know it will
be: Minnie, bring me match for my cigar,
that's DEAR" or, "Minnie, just look for
my cravat, will you2" or even, "Minnie, I've
brought Jones and Howard home to dinner;
couldn't help asking 'em. You needn't
make any extra parade, but just get few
oysters, or a lobster or somethlngr' That's
the way you'll be victimized. Once begin
waiting on him, and you'n have business
for the rest of your life. Put him down, and
keep him there.
"How?u
That's a pretty question to ask The
'hows" are as thick as mosquitoes on an
August evening. Blame him for every
thing he does; make up your mind not to be
satisfied under any circumstance whatever
Ii it rains, blame him because the sur
doesn't shine; if he puts his newspaper Oh
one corner OF the mantel-piece, scold him
because he didn't put it on the other; if he
laughs above his breath, put your hands ur
to your ears, and ask him ''if he supposes
you were made without Dervesln If he
frowns, call him an nl-natured brute.
If he brings home tickets for the opera,
tell him you had set your heart on going &c
the theater. If he talks to a lady. turr
jealous, go into Mysteries; if he joins 2
knot of gentlemen, tell him sits very plain
that hls poor wife's society has no longer
any charms for hlm.n If he invites friends
to your house, tell him that ''you don't keer
a hotel,' if he doesn't invite them, tell him
he Is an unsocal bear, who would like to
keep you alone the whole time. If he has
cold in his head, deluge the whole house
with soap-and-water and scrub-brushes: il
he suffers from toothache, insist on having
every window in the room open, on ac
count of 'fresh air." If he is fond of roast
turkey, see that cold pork is on the table
instead; if he likes coffee, discover, all of
sudden, that 1t is not healthy, and substitute
milk and waterl
Don't give him his own way in any one
particular-contradict him on all occasions
tread on his toes whenever he is going to
say any thing, and then fret at him for be-
ing "silent and sulky." Never allow him
to wear his best coat-put him on a diet of
one shirt week-keep the ''changen an6
deal it out to him by the half dime-groan
at his extravaganza whenever he buys a
new hat, and hunt in all his pockets for
strong cigars, champagne corks, peanut.
shells, or any such silent witnesses to his
depravity.
n i1,,1f 1yro, Ali
system of intimidation, he might actually
be inpudent enough to chuck YOU under the
chin, or pull your curls, or even kiss YOU
once IN awhile. He might keep dinner
waiting half a minute; he might steal one
or your little handkerchiefs out of the
bureau drawer when he couldn't find his
own yellow border concerns; he might
elevate his feet on the parlor mantel: he
might imagine home was a place to enjoy
himself in; he might be insane enough tc
suppose that wife lLfsd to wait on hel
husband
There is no telling what he might not dc
or say or think if he were not ludiciously
snubbed
just follow up this system, however, and
you'll be pretty sure to take the starch out
of him. Don't get discouraged if he is a
little stiff and ''set in his way'' at first:
two or three months of the above discipline
will make him as limp as an old dish-rag.
You may be obliged TO fight one or two
pitched battles, but that's of no conse-
quence. You have always one great resort
If the day is going against you, turn on
the tears! He can't go sniveling about the
house with red eyes and swelled nose-you
canl Tears will subdue man when the
rest OF the feminine artillery won'ti Try il
just once, and seel
That's the way to break them in, girls
No failure and warranted to cure the wors,
cases no better receipt in the whole coniu
gal pharmacopoeia for Transforming a high.
spirited young fellow into meek, umbrella.
carrying, bill-paying, cradle-rocking ma,
chine who knows his ''place," and never
speaks unless his wife says he may.