The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-01-03
WISE AND OTHERWISE.


Pears is the purest and best soap made
In order to carve out fortune one
must be sharp.
A matter of some weight-Proposing
to a 200 pound widow.
John, what would you do if were
to die ?" Bury you, my dear"
The Arab who invented alcohol died
900 years Hgo, but his spirit still lives.
In the matter of speed there is a great
similarity between flash of lightning
and bit of scandal.
Granger--So they amt nothin' here
fur me Wal, stranger, is thar any 9TH
er good postoffice in town.
When woman promenades the street,
leading dog, it looks as if she couldn't
get anything else on a string.
Blobson-Don't you think that Demp-
sey rather plays the fool Popinjay-
No, sir think he works at the job.
In spite of all that cynics say, a good |
many people do marry for love-though |
very often the love that influences them |
is the love of money.
The proprietor of bone mill announ-
ces that parties sending their own |
bones to be ground will find their orders
attended to with punctuality and dis
patch
The prettiest sight in the world is a
pretty woman's foot in Jersey Lily |
boot, and since DR.. Bulls Cough Syrup |
cures all sorts of colds all women can |
wear them.
At drill soldier spits in the ranks.
The Sergent of manGuvres, Indignantly |
The fellow that spat, four days in the |
guard house. There shall be no splitting |
in the ranks. We are not in parlor
here.
Omnibus conductor to countryman-I
If you saw him picking the genlleman's |
pocket why didn't you interfere, instead
of letting him get away ? Countryman
i saw that sign up there, Beware of
pick-pocke s." an | was afeard to
Its despite thing" said old Joe,
"a Despite thing That ar young coup
lie, who've been billin' an maxim eyes |
at one another for month, have now
gone to the minister and got permit to |
see if they can keep it up for life time"
An exasperating editor being threat
ened with a coat of tar and feathers
said in his next issue 1.-The people Of |
this town may break into somebody's |
hen roost and seal the feathers, but we |
know they are too stingy to buy the
tar"
Office boy to editor-There's mad old |
gent outside, sir, wat wants to see you |
Editor-Did he say what he wanted ?
Office boy-Yes, sir he said that you
printed poem that his son writ, an he
says he'll have satisfaction or go to a
hospital,
First bootblack-What did they put |
those pennies on old Skinflint's eyes for |
after he was dead Second bootblack-I
To see if he was dead. How can they |
tell by that ? Why, don't yon see if he |
was alive he would make grab for the
pennies.
A country paper says that during |
trial in court a young lad, who was |
called as one of the witnesses, was asked |
if he knew the obligation ofan oath, and |
where he would go if he told lie. He |
said he supposed he should go where all |
the lawyers went.
We have a speedy and positive cure
for Catarrh, Diphtheria, Canker Mouth
and Headache, in SIIILOH'S CATARRH |
REMEDY. A nasal injector free with
each bottle. Use it if you desire health |
and sweet breath. Price SO cents. Sold |
by j. 7. Shurtleff.
WhoOping cough, Group. sore throat, |
sudden colds, and the lung troubles pc
culiar to children, are easily controlled |
by promptly administering Ayers Cher
ry Pectoral. This remedy is safe to |
take, certain in its action, and adapted |
to all constitutions.
Dealer-I say, Jake, put out a sign,
Our great G.. X. p q. sale begins to-
day." Jake-G. X. p. @. sale ! Why, |
sir, nobody knows what that is Dealer
OF course they don't, neither do |, but |
it'll draw like mustard plaster. Don't |
forget to make the letters large and
plain.
Doctor, passing stonecutter's yard
Good morning, Mr.. Jones. Hard at
work, see. suppose you finish your
gravestones as far as I'm Memory OF"
and then wait for some one to die, eh
Stonecutter Why, yes (; unless some
body's sick and you're doctoring 'em
then keep right on.
Why do so many people we see around
us seem to prefer to suffer and be made
miserable by indigestion, constipation,
dizziness, loss of appetite, coming up OF
the food, yellow skin, when for rs cents
we will sell them Shiloh's System Vital
iZer, guaranteed to cure them. Sold by
]. T. Shurtleff Bennington. VT.
THE greatest objection / have TO the
house" said the new tenant, lis that |
can always hear vague murmuring,
caused by the people talking next door"
well ma'am," said the agent, 1--WE can
have the walls made thicker for you"
Thicker ~ she exclaimed. "Why,
then l couldn't hear anything ~
"Adolphus, dye know that I'm lit
tie vexed at Miss Simmons ?" What
Arthur, old boy P" "Well,
YOU know pride myself on my singing.
We were at the piano, I'll sing one more
song and then go home" / said. WAS
it late ?" About midnight" And
what did she say ?n "She said, Can't
you 60 home first P" And did you P"
Yes, Adolphus, | tell you Pm little
1eXed about it"
| have had catarrh for twenty years,
md used all kinds of remedies wi hout
'elief. Mr.. Smith, druggist, of Little
Falls, recommended Ely's Cream Balm.
The effect of the first application was
magical, it allayed he inflammation and
he next morning my head was as clear
Is bell. One bottle has done me so
much good that am convinced its use
will effect a permanent cure. 1t is
oothing, pleasant and easy to apply,
md / strongly urge its use by all suffer
Terry. Little Fal $, n. Y.
Anplv Rain, intn aanb nngfril !
RATAI NRcTEsyr