Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-08-19

Domestic skeletons are usually formed
of the bones of contention.
The scissors grinder is the only man
who Invariably finds things dull.
Superintendent-''M ake "a good police
MANI" Father-''Yes, sir; you see he's
a somnambulist,-cou walk his beat
while asleep, you know
Thackery speaks of a place in Ireland
where the sense of elegance was so keen
that the servants brought up the Goals
for the CRATE on clean plates.
II wonder how the irOn-jawed man
acquired his marvellous power of lifting
weights with his teeth?" "He probably
boarded at a restaurant for a while"
Il often feel an aching void" remarked
young Fitzpercy to Miss Susie. Il am
sorry yon are troubled with chronic head
ache" replied the girl, alphabetically.
A little boy-one of a large family
was dining out one day; and his hostess
inquired, ''Do you like chicken, Willie!'
81 don't know, ma'am. never tasted any
thing but the drumstick, was the demure
answer
"Didn't you tell me you could hold
the plough?" said a farmer To an Irish
man he had taken on trial BE aisy
now,'' says Pat. How could L hould IT,
an two horses pullin' it away! Just
stop the craytures, and I'll hould it for
ye.'
1t is said that, when General Grant
was in Japan, the japanese Premier, de-
| string to compliment the general by tell
ing him that he was born to command,
tried in English, with this result: "Sire,
brave general, you vas made to order"
Barber: 'Will you have an egg sham
poo, sir? 1t will thicken up your hair,
and give it IA nice lustre." Customer
eggs will do no good. There were
dozens of them used on my head the first
season entered the lecture field. y
A Natural Conclusion.-"We are all
worms" exclaimed the preacher in his
sermon. And little Bobby, who was fol
lowing his course attentively whispered
to his mother, ''then that's the reason
why the great big fish swallowed JONAH
isn't it, mamma?"
Teacher: .sWhere did George Wash
ipgton live after he retired from public
life?" No one seemed to know. Teach
err: 'Was it at Washington or Mt Yer
non?" Still no reply. Teacher: ''Como
children. Some of you must know
fnarhnF
He lived in the hearts of his countrymen.
First Actor: ''Oh, the sar casm of des
tinvy,, Second Actor: "What's up?'
First Actor: "They are going to revive
Henry VIII and I'm engaged to be on'
of the .beef-eaters' of the guard; and Pv'
had nothing but four pickles and an oys
ter cracker since Tuesday"
Teacher ssHow is Pompeii pronounc
ed?" First Boy: "Pompey l." Teacher
ssNext!" Second Boy: ''Pompey- ai-ai.
Teacher: "Next!" Third Boy "Pom
nee" Teacher: .'Next!" Fourth Bo.
with ineffable scorn) 81 don't pro
nounce it. just say 'Herculaneum.'
Outraged Erin: "Gintlmin, wud loik
to ashk thin Amerikins wan thing VIII
, doog the canals NV the coontry but fur
riners? Who built the railroads NV tn
coontry but furriners? Who worruk
the moins NV the coontry but furriners
Who does the votin' fur the coontry bu
: furriners? And who the divll dishcooV
cred the coontry but furrinersW
One Gordon, vocalist of the last cen
tury, rashly accused Handel of accom-
. panying him badly, and added that h
: would Jump upon the harpiscord an
= smash it if the composer did not chang
= his STYLE ''Let me know when you vi
p do dat" said the Saxon master, land
will advertise it. L am sure more Deopl
will come to see you slump dan will com
to hear you sing!"
There is good story told OF MI
6 T. Balfour in reference to one OF MS II
d cent visits to Ireland. He put the 10
e lowing question to an Irish priest VIII
4 whom he sat at dinner: "Do the IRIS
hate me to the extent that the Parnelii
y naners saw they do?" To which the ca
did priests good-humored answer wa
.sMy dear sir, if they hated the deVll I'D
10 as much as they hate yoa, my occupatie
ry would be gone"