davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1889-04-04
II lnrArcn En0n Nourishes babies perfectly.
6AOIAJ6O TVVH The Physicians juv0ri1e.

n1AY0Nn nYEc Color anything any color.
OI""V"O O'I0 Neuer Ei'l! Alscdys suref
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
NATURAL GAS.
BY oz1As MIDSUMMER,

The mistress and NIarthy were taking n doae;
The maid in the kitchen was mending her hose
The master was sleeping out under n tree
When Sarah AIMS Amos was bit by II flea
That was looking about for place where he
Could be boring for natural gas.
The flea struck vein that caused Amos to
spout,
1t drew twenty-one of his corpuscles ont;
Then tried Sarah Ann for mite of dessert,
But carefully, so the supply not TO hurt,
30 Lit on the mouth Of the dear little tlirt,
On the seat of her natural gas.
1t punctured the surface it stuck in its drill,
But drew it out quickly but not ut its WI
For the well was gushcr, and blew it in haste
From the hole It had dug i'll the powder and
paste,
1t got more than it wanted, more than taste
OF Miss Sarah AIMS natural gas.
The gas which escaped was IL talk in Il dream,
And had for It's subject its object and theme,
The kisses of divers and sundry young men
Which Sarah AIMS lips had kissed now and
then,
And seemed to lament that her Amos had beon
Slow In drilling for natural gas
Tho Joy of tho muiden beamed bright as she
spake,
She thought that tho hole which the little flea
bored
Was kiss of her lover, her modest young lord
She thought that at least she had got Amos
hoored;
He was boring for natural gas.
moment sly Amos regretted the day
The gas inclined insect had jumped in their way,
And then all his bashful declinings eschewed,
His lips to her lips he cemented and glued,
He fondled the beauty, her tiny ear chewed
He was boring for natural gas
CHICAGO, III.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

like ter see er man make some little
attempt ter be honorable. Fer in
stence, my 'sperience las night. l
want treated p'litely den, I ken tell
you dat right now."
How were you treated?"
Shameful sab. wuz on duty out
yonder in de park, close ter de little
lake where it's sich er heavy fine fur er
pusson to fish in. 1t must hab been
putty nigh midnight when 1 seed
man puliln, out catfish. I slipped up
an nailed de generman fore he knowed
wuz IN de neighborhood.- Mussy,
how he did beg! He tole me dat he
wuz er man O. mighty fine family an
dat it would mighty nigh kill his folks
ter know dat he had been rested fur
stealin' fish.
Dat doan make no diffunce wild de
law says I.
"Den he shifted his tactics. Look
yere, podner, says he, I'll give you five
dollars eff you'll let me off dis time.'
Dat made me think er little. L kim,
thlnks l, make five dollars fur de CITY
an Keep down or scanP at de same
time
Jimmy de money! says I.
Here, he said, handin' me er bill.
Its ten-give me five.' I jest had five
dollars in my pocket an gin it to him
an he didn't lose no time in hustlin'
erway frum dar. l sauntered on ND ter
er lamp-post an thought dat L better
look at de bill ter see eff it wuz counter.
felt, an bless my life, dat trifin' gener-
man had done gin me or one dollar bill:
an sab, Pse out fo' dollars, an wants
ter know whut de city gwine ter do
erbout it,"
"The city will take action in the
matter"
"Thank you, sab. Gwine gin me
back my ten dollars, is you?"
No, going to remove you from the
force"
"Whutl Jest because I lost fo' dol
lars ?"
"No, because you disgraced your po-
sition."
want me dat disgraced de position.
1t wuz dat rascal dat want honest.
Man come lose fo' dollars O his own
money, tryin' ter make five dollars fur
de city, an den gifts bounced. Oar
amt no gratitude in dis country, sah,"
Take off that STAR"
Look yere, Of you'll jest let me keep
on bein' er policeman you needn't gin
me de fo' dollars. You needn't put
yourself ter no trouble on my err
count er tall, an neber will mention
de fo' dollars"
Take off that star and get out of
here!"
Oar it goes. Man tries his bes' ter
do right, an folks comes er fingin'
trouble In his road Neber seed de like.
| amt gwine be so homes after dis.
Folks dat has any dealin's wild me hab
got ter take dar chances from dis time
on, 1 ken tell you dat" "-Arkansav
Irayeler.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
orally str1ppen and sn1vered to frag

orally stripped and shlvered to frag-
ments all of the house above it
And single pull of that silken
string would have been sufficient to
this horrible end And but for my
nervous waking-my incubus of fore
boding - the destroyer would have
come; the fatal cord would have been
touched, the mine sprung, and 1 should
have been launched into eternity as
upon the lightning's bolt
And SO Gabriel Butterworth did not
procure the destruction of my testi-
mony, but through that testimony the
Grand Jury found cause for indictment
of far graver character than had at
first been anticipated, and of those
graver charges he was convicted. Seth
Damon received back the full sum he
had intrusted to the false mans care
and shortly afterward 1 entered into
business with him, and to-day Seth
Damon and 1 are partners. Laban
Shaw came out from prison and went
to Idaho. L have not heard of him
since. Gabriel Butterworth did not
live to serve out his full term of SEN
tenpe
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
A Sadly Afflicted Journalist.

William Ernest Henly, editor of
SCOTS Observer, is one of the men
who have had literary greatness thrust
upon them, and he has paid fearful
physical price for his mental develop
ment. He began life as laborer, un-
conscious of Latent intellectual power,
unversed in the primary elements of
education, and man of dissipated
habits. He met with terrible acci-
dent, both lower limbs being crushed
beneath boulder, and while at the
hospital for treatment met Robert
Louis Stevenson, who was also pa
tlent at the institution.
Then commenced the mental exist
ence which has led him from the
stages of newspaper correspondent, art
editor, and magazine contributor to
the rank of poet. His limbs are still
completely paralyzed, and he does all
his work in an invalid chair, out OF
which towers his massive blonde head,
set on a magnificent pair of shoulders.
His conversation is brilliant, and he
counts his friends among the cleverest
and most brilliant literary men of Lon
don. -.-.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

no experience, but L tell you William
Henery air one in thousan, an L ort
to no."
Good laws I she'd think she ort,
fur she hes he'd fore partners an is a
lookin around right smart fur number
five, an eff l were to die she'd try her
best to ketch William Henery, but
thank fortune, I'm pretty tolable
helthy an there haint no widder of fore
men goin to take my place rite off
no, not enyways soon, they won't.
So when she were there reddy to go
long, l was leetle mite cool, not
clear cold and hotty, but jest moderate
cool-like.
1 were leetle bit nervy fur feer
the keers would run often the track,
or sumpthin else desperit nd happen.
l want no ways cumfertible at furst,
an when 1 seen William Henery a
talkin to a cupple of slick lookin
strangers 1 was afeard he'd git into
sum sort of scrape.
An he did.
Sally hid notised the strangers to,
an she hunched me an whispers:
"Sake's alive, Hester Ann, amt
them to men Mr.. Scooper is talkin to
Jest to hevingly fur emmy thing; an
look, they air cumming over this way.
feel thet hev met my fate! Is my
hat on strait, an dew look jest sad an
sorrerful enough fur one thet hes ben
resently bereeved?" ses she, all of a
twitter. 1 tole her she looked all right
es fur es l Good see, and then William
Henery he kim up an ses he, tickleder
an little dog stuffed with taller:
"Hester Ann, I'll bet you KANT tell
me who them two fellers is"
I looked the men camly in the eye,
an | see thet they were dressed fit to
neither. At first I thot one of 'em
might be Lemuel Martin, but see his
eyes wus black, while LENS wus gray.
"No," ses L Il don't no 'es I've ever
seen neither one of EN-"
We'll, thare old frens o yourn,
though you havn't seen 'em sence they
were childer. This one is Sam Muir
ply, an this one is Lemul Martin" I
coodn't make it seem material, but I
didn't like to say nothin' es long es
Sally and William Henery wus so tux
up with i'm.
Well, purity soon Lemu1 says: "Well,
Mr.. Scooper, les hev little game of
guess" ses he, like button-botto {"
an he takes out three little boxes and
a button, an continues: "Now, I'll
put this button in one of these boxes
an the rest of you kin guess which one
it's in, an the one thet guesses it may
hev five dollar gold piece" an he laid
one down.
"I'll bet $5 I kin tell" ses Sam.
"An soil l." ses William Henery,
though tired on his toe an shuk my
head at him.
me too," ses Sally, simperin; an
when they guessed why William Hen
cry he gessed it an then Lem sed he'd
bet twenty an they bet twenty all
aroun an me trampin William Hen
ery's toe an shakin my he'd at the
widder. Well they didn't nobuddy
CESS it thot time, an jest rose up an
collered Lem, an ses L: "Drap that
MUMMY" an he drapped it. Now" ses
1 sturnly, shakin him, "you haint no
more Lemul Martin than l be an you
no it. You gitw
An ye got.
Yes, Mister Editur, he went as fast
as he Good an William Henery an the
Widder Boggs wus purity thankful
wus thare.
reed the papers, do.
Well, an we got to Matilda ARA
bellas that mite. So no more at pres
ent. HESTER ANN SCooPER.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

| the bread. milk. egg, mLsi;. etc., is all
taken out OF the quality of the cocktail we
nt once arrive ut the conclusion that the
liquor Is of an inferior quality.
He drank another and then decided to
gradually work his way over to the Ine-
Driates' Home. where he had heard thorc
was very poor food for the inmates and o
good field for newspaper work. He took
another Attorney street cocktail and IA
breath OF air. and soon lot OFF u yell which
awoke police somnambulist. Goaded to
madness by thus being aroused in the mid
die of the afternoon, the policeman hit the
reporter sickening blow on the head and
took him to the station.
On the following day the reporter tried
to write IL up as far as no had gone, but his
head hurt him so that he gave it up. The
other papers. however. had real good ac-
counts OF the incident, giving his name
a also his stating that he was u reporter
who had made an ass of himself by inter-
viewing two othor reporters on street.
ear. and filled the columns of tho press
with horror ovor an imaginary tale OF woe.
well calculated to injure the street-ca line.
So he d not try to intervi w the Ine-
briates' Homo at all. He just stayed for
few days at Il little inebriate's homo of his
own. and tried to make his wife believe
what he told her about the origin OF the
trouble.
He hired out then for a day or two as as
sistant 10 II timer and went with him to
assist him in putting n tin patch on the
country seat of wealthy man. Here he got
to thinking once more OF his old work and
also of tho great field for usefulness in the
detective line. First he thought he would
try 1t as a stowaway, but he only tried ono
vessel and found that another pap,i had a
representative there. and one stowiway
was really all that the vessel would accom-
modate.
Then 1t occurred to him to get smugelod
into dissecting class. He had heard that
the classes In anatomy at one of the big coll
leges were very much depraved. and that
they played baseball with the heart of n
subject, and when they went to lunch, In
order to prevent fellow students from swip-
ing their pipes and chewing tobacco. many
OF them concealed these articles during the
lunch hour in the thorax OF said subject.
lie decided. therefore, that. CHASTITY as the
subject was. he would have to do 1t. After
a good deal OF delay he got permission as a
friend only to visit n dissoctng Dom as a
young visiting physician from Philadelphia.
He desired to reveal the true horrors OF the
dissectinR room with his trenchant pen and
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

tnus ATTAIN name ana u salary which
would ratio along down the corridors Of
time.
He asked If he might be permitted to SEQ
the gentleman upon whom the class pro-
posed to eueidate and was given permits,
sion to visit the room prior to the hour oil
demonstration. IF he would agree not to
carry anything away.
. He went nervously, into the place by him
'elf in order to get his courage up Also
t. make few notes. He saw something
that looked like a person concealed under
u covering evidently doing the Sir John
Moore act. The reporter with his fatal
notebook went up to the table. and. Won
dering whether he would see a mangled
criminal or fair young Peri. he gently
lifted the sheet.
1t was II young man.
There was nothing at all shocking about
his appearance. He looked as il he might
be slumhcring. One could almost fan ~
that he breathod.
Pretty soon large flv buzzed around for
a moment and alighted on the white. hand
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

rear and educate ten thousand chill
dren. The dog is noble animal and
doubtless the most intelligent of any,
and possessed of much reasoning pow
er, but dogs could dispense with some
of the good things which fall to their
lot and be the better off for it for in
stance, gold, silver and jeweled collars,
and satin and velvet and embroidered
baskets, cushions, and blankets.
The style in dogs changes every six
months for fashionable women, and
just now the caprice runs toward black
poodles, shaved in fantastic manner.
This is the best kind of dogs to teach
tricks, as they have q well ldeveloped
sense of humor, and this is the kind OF
a dog that always wears the white ruff
file and plays clown in dog circuses,
and they generally manage to keep up
a circus wherever they are.
When men keep dogs it is done eth
er from love of sport of some kind in
which dog is indispensable, or from
loneliness, or lack of human sympathy,
or downright cynicism, and dog is a
quiet, unobtrusive companion, true and
faithful, and above all in perfect har-
mony with all his masters moods with
out jarring note.
A woman keeps dogs for different
reasons. For sport, if inclined that
way; for fashions sake, to make herself
remarkable among the women, us a
sort of shield against love-making on
the part of her admirers, and as sort
of living object, cross between doll
and live baby, on which to expend
her exuberant affection and her nat
ural flow of endearing terms. A woman
finds dog an excellent foil, and
caress or slap often turns an en-
barrassing situation into harmless
channels.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

some nose The corpse stood it as long as
it could. and then brushed him off.
The reporter felt faint. He tottered and
fell over against the table. 1t tipped up a
little. and the remains slid off at the side.
Seeing the notebook. the remains said
Mister. are you reporter"
Yes, SIR, said the sad man.
We'll. shake. il you please. So am l. 1t
struck me that 1t would be good idea to
get at the inside of the traffic in dissecting
goods and raw material for demonstration,
So concluded to work it up and give it to
the public. l arranged the matter SO that
could be "snatched," and guess l must
have OVERSIGHT myself. The thing wasn't
what you could call success. however,
although have got enough notes to make
good story. but l have just found out,
when it was too late. that another medical
college surprised one OF the reporters of
the evening papers. so he'll scoop me at
one o'clock on story had for tomorrow
morning."
The sad reporter said that he went home
to the Office and asked for an assignment.
Il have none for you" said the CITY editor,
as he put II column story in the boiler and
boiled it down 10 half stickful we have
none"
Very we'll" said the reporter with q sob.
IF you have no assignment for me I will
go home. and with tho aid Of my creditors
l will make one myself.
He Is now doing time on funny paper.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
Too High.

wv
The new reporter, young man
whose graduating essay, entitled, "The
Unseen Forces of Moral Philosophy"
had been highly complimented by the
professor of botany, took seat near
the city editors desk. 81 am delight
ed" said he, speaking to the editor, to
think that 1 have so easily and with SO
little delay found the work for which
am well fitted. How do you like my
sketch, 'Walrayen st. Borrie p"
at is magnificent" the editor an
swered, as he took out the manu-
script. "Your diction is delightful
and your style is captivating; and in
nearly every line there is gentle yet
strong rebuke to the blunt and com
monplace writer"
"My dear sir" exclaimed the repor-
ter, you charm me-.
"For instance" said the editor, tax
ing no notice of the reporters enthus-
iasm, "you say that Walraven located
in this portion of the country"
"Yes; do you like the way I ex-
press t?"
81 am delighted. Some writers-old
Pinkney, out there, for instance e-would
have said that Walraven settled in this
part of the country"
"Yes, see. He doesn't understand
rhetoric very well, does he?"
"Oh, no; not at ALL Here is another
excellent point" said the editor, turn
ing the leaves of the manuscript. "You
say that Walraven went to q hardware
establishment and procured rifle"
Hfnhot'S ornp1 iop't
"First-class. Old Pinkney would
have said that he went to hardware
store and bought rifle"
"That's because he is crude in his
manner of expression, isn't it?"
"Assuredly. And again you say that
Walraven partook of refreshments.
"How does it strike your"
"Way up"
"What would Pinkney have said?"
"Oh, in his vulgar way he would
have said that Walraven ate supper or
luncheon, or something of that sort"
Il wonder that he does not learn
BETTER" said the reporter.
"It seems that he should. BY the
way. we cannot afford to use this
sketch. 1t is too high for our readers"
"What must L do with it ?"
Bring it out in pamphlet form and
sell it on the campus"
"That's good idea; I'll do it. Shall
l 60 out now and write something?"
NO; old Pinkney is covering the
ground pretty we'll You may go to
the county asylum, though"
"To write up the abuses of the insti-
tuition ?"
"No, to stay there until we send for
Won. Good day."
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

A negro policeman in southern CITY
called on the mayor and said;
"Yo' honor, things amt gwine along
ter suit me-"
What's the matter?"
IVY, dar amt ernuff honesty in dis
yere 'munity ter suit me-"
Its not policeman's duty to look
Tor honesty, but for dishonesty. If
everybody were honest we might as
well disband the force"
Vas sab. dat's SO, but still do
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
-s--4- -
He Silenced the Crowd.

A number of persons were talking
about telescopes, and each professed
to have looked through the biggest in
the world" One after another told
of the powerful effect of the respective
telescopes.
At last quiet man said, mildly, 81
once looked through telescope. I
don't know as it was the largest in the
world. L hope it wasn't. But it
brought the moon so near that we
could see the man in it gesticulating
and crying out, Don't shoot! Don't
shootP The old fellow thought it was q
big cannon chat we were pointing at
him."
The quiet man then subsidized, and SO
did the rest of them,
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
THE MULE AND THE FENCE.

THE MULE AND THE FENCE.
A mule one day tried to jump over q
barb wire fence, but he did not jump
high enough.
"See here" he exclaimed angrily, as
he took an inventory of his injuries,
what do you mean by tearing such
great holes in my hide? There are at
least seventeen different wounds on
me near the equator. Have you no
conscience?"
Reckon not" answered the fence, as
it picked some mule hair out of its
teeth, "but I have barbs, as you doubt
less found out. You jumped onto me.
and now you may blame yourself"
MORAL.
Court-plaster and arnica will fix the
mule up all right, and he will try to
jump the fence again"
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
THE SHEEP AND THE TARIFF.

THE SHEEP AND THE TARIFF.
"I notice" said a thoughtful man to
n sheep, chat you are still raising wool
ON your back"
"Yes, indeed" was the answer, "and
why not?"
Because the tariff has lowered so
there is no money in wool. Ishould
think you would quit raising it."
81 do not raise wool for money" said
the sheep, rs he picked cookie burr
out of his tail. Il raise woUl because
when the wind next winter is Lowing
through my whiskers, / shall need an
overcoat You may get warm in dis
cussing the tariff, but am not built
that way"
MORAL.
1t is a good thing to attend strictly
to ones business.-Ch hicago Ledger.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

At this point the voices We're getting
rather high, and the small kid, playing
with her dollhouse in the corner, sud
denly got up, pulled her little skirts
out, and said:
81 guess I'll get out of this"
And she took three great big steps
toward the door. Then father and
mother looked at her and then at each
other, and it was tco much for them.
The argument was all over.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
HE WAS A JOURNALIST.
BUT PROVED SAD FAILURE AS A
DETECTIvE-REPORT

Miscarriage of His Original Schsmes for
Scoopng His Rivals-He Is Now Doing
Time OH a"Humorous" Paper-Bin Nye's
SIeuth Friend.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

ike you CHI.
"You are sucker" answered the
crab. "If you were to get out here
some Chicago man would catch you
and turn you into butterine."
MORAL.
You had better stay where you are.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
Dogs Of High Degree.
ERILY, it is be.

ERlLY, it is better
to be n rich mans
dog than a poor
mans child, as far
as care and Great
ure comforts go,
and it is probable
t h ere is more
money spent upon
fine dogs in this
country than would
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
LETTERS FROM THE CORNERS.
NECK OR NoTHIN' HALL.
KILKENNY CORNERS, 1889.

|R. EDITUR: Es I
wus o sayin in my
last, Sally Boggs
was thare to go
long with us. 1
'warn't overly tic
kled to hev her, fur
she often ses to me,
ses She:
Mis- S cooper,
you don't know
what a good man
you've got, fur you
hain't never had
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

( TE STERDAY
Y s4d ! siT = : gsls: sss:
er, write o s
ill Nye in the Chi
cago Herald. lie
said that he had
been regarded al
ways as u good
all around news
paper IN q n who
had begun as u
journ alis t and
gradually worked
lhis way up. He
mad written every
kind of d .scriptiye
work on short no.
tice. and had done
everything froiG /
prize fight to 5
te IL mis- to urEa-
ment. from ufour.
hour speech or
the tariff to n holo.
caust. and h nc
b e on gen orally
considered n gooe
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24
AMERICAN FABLES,
THE WHALE AND THE CRAB.

! WHALE was one day
swimming ne ar tn 9
shore and CHANGED to
see q crab walking
Iaround near the bank.
81 wish" said the
whale, "that 1 could
walk on the ground
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

New York journalism is at a very
low ebb when it gives columns to some
"King of the Dudes" as it has done.
Yet it sneers at the rural" newspaper.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1889-10-24

Germany's army last year cost S121,.
061. 200.