Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-10-06
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

When the barber talks too much his
stories are generally illustrated with cuts.
Some would-be humorous sheep-stealers
IN Alabama refer to their profession as
working mutton trust"
"Loye levels all things" Perhaps so;
but 1t has been noticed that its tendency is
not to make the head level.
No lady should carve her servant as
Mrs. Hamilton did Mary Ann Donnelly;
1t Is bad form; she should cut her wages.
"Why do you call Brown an old duck ?n
well, he takes to water now more than
he used to-" "Oh, see He's swan of"
Farming is one of the best occupations
for young man. Even cabbage culture
will enable struggling youth to get a
head.
In the Far West man advertises for a
woman to wash, iron and milk one or
two cows" What does he want his COWS
washed and ironed for?
sonny, how can | get to the railway
station from here? slave you got car
riage?" "No, my little lad" ooh, then
you'll have to walk."-Lite.
A lost OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES girl (sud-
denly)-"Take care, some one will see
your Good-looking, but bashful beau
What am doing?" Kissable girl (scorn-
fully)-"Nothingm
A Washington school teacher broke one
| OF his ribs one night recently, while turn
ing over in bed. The scholars, next day,
held meeting and rendered the turn
over vote of thanks.
In Washington a man can drop nickel
in slot and have mis- handkerchief per
fumed. The proprietor of this little de-
vice makes enormous profits, giving only
one scent for five cents
"What do you mean, sir, by swearing be-
fore my wife? You must apologize"
Pardon, monsieur! Pardon! | do make
re apology. l did not know re lady wish
to swear re Installation Times.
Pretty School Teacher-"James, is to
kiss an active or passive verb?" James
(oldest boy in class Both" P.S T.
Glow is that?" James on the
part of the Teller, and passive on the part
of the girl"
Gradually wasting away-"When your
practising friend across the way has learned
how to play the cornet, he will entertain
the whole neIghborhood," said Mrs.
Brown. EYES," said Mrs. Crown, "but by
that time there won't be any neighborhood
here"
The man who sits on bent pin can
answer the conundrum: Where do the
pins go?-EG. Well, we don't think he
can. There isn't one in a hundred who
won't swear the pin went clear up through
q of 4. /
pin isn't long enough to do that.
Among the replies to an advertisement
of musical committee for a candidate as
organist, music teacher, etc., was the fol-
lowing: Gentlemen | noticed your ad-
vertisement for an organist either lady or
gentleman. Having been both for several
years, l offer you my services"
1t clearly was put up job
He knew it all the while;
And thought he had to see her home
He did not like her style.
And when they pa rted at the gate,
She muttered with sigh;
III be at home tomorrow nightp
He answered. $50 will l."
49," he said in broken voice, "vou
refuse to marry me-" II do" she said,
calmly and firmly 'And l may not even
hope% EYES," she responded, thought
fully, "you may hope" "And why" he
asked with renewed fervor, do you say
may hope?" Because" she reioined
softly, "this is free country"
"Why," asked one crook of another.
"what on earth do you mean by walking
down the street in this manner? Don't
you know that the police are after you?"
"Ges; but | have no fear of being recog-
nized." "Why mott" Because I've had
seventeen different newspaper cuts made of
me, and if the public isn't mystiied now it
never will be-"
A nephew to his old and wealthy uncle
II am desperate, and unless you send me
$1,000 by this evening | shall take my
life; by midnight l shall be no more"
Reply of the uncle-"Yours of this date
received. When, some time ago, you sent
nae missive of similar import, and sent
you my revolver, what did you do? You
spouted the weapon. have no more
revolyers."-Judge.
A little 9-year-old colored boy was
called upon as a witness in Western
Court, and was objected to by one of the
lawyers. The Judge said to him: "Do
you understand the nature of an oath ?"
"No, sah" "Do you attend Sunday-school
and church ?' "Yes, sah." "What would
become of you if you should tell lie ?"
"Dey would get me-" "Who would get
your "De lawyers would" As the au-
dience saw the point that ode lawyers"
were the head men in the undesirable To-
cality, where all liars go, the laugh was
upon the lawyers, and the boy was al
lowed to testify.
A man, or woman either, can SET a hen,
although they cannot sit her neither can
they set on her, although the old hen
might sit on them by the hour if they
would allow. A man cannot set on the
wasi-bench, but he could set the basin on
it, and neither the basin nor the gram
marians would object. He could sit on
the dogs tail if the dog were willing, or
he might set his foot on it. But if he
should set on the aforesaid tail, or sit his
foot there, the grammarians as we'll as the
dog would howl. And yet, strange as it
may seem, the man might set the tail
aside and then sit down, and neither be
assailed by the dog nor the grammarians.
-ChriStidl Union
An Indignant Spinster.
A certain maiden lady was twice in life