davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
A Scotch COurtShiD.

I knew a young fellow who was very
sweet on Scotch spinster. She was 8
wealthy Scotch spinster, but if there is
q kind of woman who must be loved
economically and for herself alone it is
Scotch spinster. Scotch spinsters
are warranted to make good wives all
the time. 1t is awfully hard to be un-
true to Scotch woman. She makes you
so very comfortable, and holds you tc
her, not so much by your heart rs by
your bank account. She doesn't always
want new bonnets; she is rather liable
to object to even your having new hat
until the old one is quite worn out. A
Scotch wife can keep her husband neat
and trim and herself and children as
well, at smaller expense than any
other. She doesn't want diamond ear
rings for her birthday. All you have te
do is to show her your bank account
and kiss her and tell her you owe the
balance to her, and she is quite salts
fed. This young fellow did not under
stand the Scotch spinster, AMI when he
thought to please her he sent her o
lovely and expensive basket of flowers.
He went up to receive her thanks and
smiles, and he was quite knocked over
when she told him he hadn't big enough
salary to waste it in buying flowers fo'
her or anybody else, and she was sorry
to see he was so extravagant, because
otherwise he was "a very pleasin' young
man." He lied himself into her good
graces by saying he had got the flowers
for nothing, and he thought he could not
make better use of them. She smiled
graciously and said: ~Seein' they did
IA cost you anything it's great COM
,liment." She was a woman after all
San Francisco Chronicle,
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
kansas Fairs For 1889.

Kansas State Fair, Topeka, September 1921.
Anderson county, Garnett, August $50.
Atcbison district, Atchison. September 1C-16.
Barber county, Kiowa, October I5-I.
Brown county, Hiawatha, September 81.
Chase county, Cottonwood Falls, September ~
CHEYENNE county, st. Francis, September 255-2s.
Clay county, Clay Center, October ~.
Coffey county, Burlington, September a1S.
Crawford county Girard. September 2+-2I.
Ellis county Have City, September 10-i3.
Ford county Ford, September $50.
Franklin county Ottawa, September 3
Graham county, Hill City, September 6-2s.
Harvey county, Newton, September 10-ls.
Jefferson county, Oskaloosa, September 1O-l3
Jewel county, Mankato, September 10-ls.
lincoln county Lincoln, September By.
IaCygne District, LaCygne, September 2-2I.
Lynn county, Mound City. September 1870.
Linn county PleasantOn, September i0-l3.
Marion county, Marion. October -
Morris county, Council Grove, September 23-2i.
Mitchell county, Cawker City, September 2AZ'.
Nemaha county, Seneca, September 11-20.
Neoeho county, Erie, October Is.
Osaae county, Buflingame, September ltl3.
Ottawa county. Minneapolis, October 0ll.
Osborne county, Osborne, September 1I-a0.
Plainville fair, Plainville, September 2-2I.
Phillips county, Phillipsburg, September ITO.
Rawlins county, Atwood, October Is.
Reno county, Hutchinson. September u-2O.
Rush county, Bison, September 1S-0.
Saline county Salina, September 2+2!.
sheridan county, Hoxie September 26-2l.
Sherman county GoOdland, September 10-13.
Smith county Smith Center, September ls-2.
Sumner county, Wellington. August 2I-s0.
Woodson county, NeoshO Falls, August Job.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
Tommy's Definition Of an Angel.

Sunday-school Teacher = Children,
which of you will be the first to tell me
what an angel is?
Tommy-It's typewriter, ma'am.
s. S. Teacher-A typewriter? Oh,
dear no, Tommy. Who put such an
idea into your head?'
Tommy--Papa. 1 heard him tell his
new typewriter that she was an angel.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

81 see" remarked Mr.. Phunnyman again
''that the great powers are making a meal
of Africa" ''In what way?" ''Why. they
have swallowed nearly all of her territory,
but the Sahara, and Turkey wants to gobble
that" '.Wants the Sahara, what for?"
..Desert?"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
BETTER Than Oklahoma.

LOO acres of the choicest land in the San
Luis Valley, in Southern Colorado, all under
fence, water-rights secured and bitches
ready for use. 1t will be sold as whole or
in quantities to suit the purchaser. 1t is the
finest land in the valley. and is adapted to
either farming or stock-raislng. For price,
terms, ETC., address HENRY A. BUFFERS,
Alamosa Colorado.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
Only q Woman.

What are all these
postal cards here for? They should
have been sent in last mail.
Female Assistant-1es, I know they
should, but was out to the meeting Of
the sewing society. and did not get them
read in time to send.-Omaha J, ,0rld.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Convicted beggar: "Your Honor: could
MT you change my sentence of imprison-
ment to a fine?"
Judge: "No; that l cannot do. And
would you get the money if did?"
{. B.: 81 could beg little every day till
l had enough"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

merely because the young man, in the full
ness of his affections wrote: Il used to be
troubled with Nightmares, but since we met
they have entirely left me, and instead OF
them now dream of yOu."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Book agent: 81 should like to show you our
new cheap edition of the Encyclopaedia
Britannica.
Vermont farmer. "Mister: "You need
MT show me no 'cyclopedias. My boy
graduated from college this week."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Used to dating ahead-Razzle: 81 don't
understand how young Quill gets so mixed
on dates. The other day met him and he
said it was nice weather for September
Dazzle: ''That's easily explained. He'sa
bill clerk"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

First Speculator. "Another gold mine
discovered In Michigan, see. Big one this
time"
Second Speculator. "Yes, the uninhab-
table swamp of the particular settler who
wants to sell is twice the usual siZe.''
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

In the restaurant-Gus: rs that West
phalia ham you are eating?"
Fitz: "NO; it came from Maine. 1t is an
esst-failure"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Kentuckian: 'Sir, l come of heroic stock
My father. grandfather, and great-grand-
father all died with their boots op."
Octogenarian hangman at the other end
of the bar: ''Fact, sir, l hung 'cm myself"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

When Baby was sick, We gave her Castoria,
When she was Child. she cried for Castoria,
When she became Miss, she chung to Castoria.
When she had Children, She gave them Castoria
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Is it probable that what million women
say after daily trial is mistake? They say
they kno,o by test that Dobbins' Electric is
mos economical, purest and best. They
have had "A years to try it. You give ii one
trial.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Mrs. Jason: ''What poor-spirited crea-
tIre you are Jehiel / wish you would be
either a man or mouse"
Mr.. Jason: Il wish you was a mouse.
would make you climb the bed-post in
holy minute"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

If every man refrained from marrying
until he owned house, this world would
become a wilderness of cranky old bach
elOrs.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Miss Admire: "What a frightful expert
ence Mr.. Dare must have had at Johnstown.
Was he frightened, or did he keep cool?"
Fearless (whO was with him): "Cool?
Why, he was so cool his teeth chartered"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Chicago sports are disguised at the sing1-
lar honesty of that city's base ball team.
The members had rather lose game than
steal a base.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Nothing Like Economy-Her intended:
''Well, have commenced to save up for
our little home, darling. quit smoking
today
His intended: "And II haven't chewed
any gum for a week."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Mrs. Hashcroft: "There has been another
coffee panic, see."
Billings: "Yes. This coffee seems to
have had all the life scared out of it long
ago."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

The city of Chicago may increase in pop
ulation 25O,OCO in a single day, but the Chi
cago river has boquet( ?)for all. Its sup
ply just now is practically inexhaustible.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

There's nothing like being all broken up
70 make man see the necessity of mending
his ways.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Tumble ION Labor Day: "Are the men
who march at the head of each company the
walking delegates:''
Laborer: "No; thin gintlemin what rides
in the kerridges are the walking delegates,
SIR
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Now that Chicago is gong to annex its
suburbs and of course will need some mu-
nicipal improvements, why doesn't it start
a ball club?
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
We recommend 'Tansills Punch" Cigar.

When you see man consuming cucum-
Der, you can risk a small bet on his being u
pains-taking fellow.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

When you hear man give POUND after
pound to door, you may be sure he Is try
ing to lessen his wait.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

High water Is reported from Connecticut.
The oyster farms of that state are all inun-
dated. As Connecticut oysters cannot
swim, grave results may follow.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Women are scfc from pick-pockets SC
long as they do not carry their purses in
their hands.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

For once the farmers and prohibitionists
are IN thorough agreement-both believe
that this is n mighty wet summer.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

When you feel like calling big man
liar, be sure you are right, then use the
telephone.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Louisville doctor: ''Colonel. Pm sorry to
tell you that you can not live two days."
Patient: ''That's gosh darned bad news.
doctor. Why, there's barrel of the best
rye ever drank in the cellar. sab, and not
half gone-not half gone, sah."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

An Alabama woman heard ghost in the
house. Her husband heard nothing but rats.
She stuck to ghosts ard he to rats, and they
began a suit for divorce the next day on the
ground of incompatibility of temper.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Chicago is raising fund for the suffering
miners at Braidwood. If it goes the way of
Chicago's Johnstown purse. the Braidwood
people will dine on snowballs next Christ
mas.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Omaha Belle: "YOur appearance would
indicate that you like to act as an escort to
the ladies'
Omaha beau: ''Oh, thank you. What is
there suggests gallantry."
Omaha Belle: '.You are so beau-lecced."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

TIE physician who asserts ., III
ease may be spread b.- \.
IDENTIFY refers to compiaiss !. u
palpitation Of tine heart. l..
spread.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

The cucumber does its best fighting af-
ter it is down.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Evangelist: Il shall deal to-day with es-
pecial reference to the curse of cards.
Voice from back seat: ''Shuffie fore
yer deals an give us er chance ter cut"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
The virgin forest has never been axed.

The sunstroke and the odor OF the Chica-
go river are both doing business in this IA
nous summer resort. They ought to neu-
tralize each other, but they don't.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

A. NJ. PRIEST, Druggist, Sbelbyville,
Ind, says: "Halps Catarfh Cure gives the
best of satisfaction. Can get plenty OF to-
Il" D1uRRiSts sen II, DC.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

The white horse is reddy for service when
ever the lady wants to ride him.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

First Cadet. ''Did you ever smell pow
ier?"
Second Cadet: eyes"
T. c.: 'Where?'
5. c.: son Vassar girl.'
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

When the grave-dig9er was asked how he
found life. he replied that he didn't see
much of il around where he worked.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

July magazine announces an article en-
titled ''BoOks That Have Hndered Me-
Bank books, like enough.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

If Ben Butler could see himself as others
zee him, he would not be cross-eyed.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Mr.. Hobbs: 81 see tnat Newport pa }
farmer has a hairless calf on exhibition.
What a remarkable freak that Is"
Mrs. Hobbs: "Remarkable! Why, you
are baldheaded yourself, John"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

''WeIl," said Wright Field. as be took his
overcoat to the pawnshop ''here goes for
two balls and bat"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

With the grog ration discontinued in the
navy It cannot be said that every Jack has
his gill
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

''What do you think, Chappie: Six of my
creditors were at the house at the same time
this morning" THAT was a regular owe
yation, old fel."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

It Is much more pleasant to live in New
York than it Is in Boston, because New
York people don't know so much and they
talk about It less.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

A person with false teeth seldom eats corn
from the ear.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

The great trouble with the pug as a pro-
fessional beauty Is that his skin IS made to
fit q shorter dog.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

A Dakota postmaster has NO hands. He
probably stamps with his feet.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Grit is good thing in its place, but il
place b not in q strawberry short-cake.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

What in the world is the use of sitting
around waiting for something to turn up.
You might just as well sit down in the mead
ow and wait for the COW to come up to be
milked.. Get up and shake yourself and
make up your mind to turn up something.
If you have nothing definite in your mind,
then write to B. F. johnson & Co., Richmond,
Va, and they will tell you thing or two
that will make you jump for joy.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

'Papa. is Queen Victoria in the soup,
too?' ''NOt exactly. She's in the Irish
stew"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

During the commencement season The
thermometer usually takes the highest de-
grees.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Pension Office joke-Tanner stands by the
"Vats.''
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Il nearly gave myself away last night"
"Ies, l heard so. To Miss Blackson,
wasn't it! Why didn't she take you?"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Smoke the Sheriff sac sesar strAigh, lnc Havana Sc
gar for 5c.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Confidence Man: i'1 should like to see
Mr.. Hayseed, of Hays ,edvili.' Hotel clerk:
He is over there at the cashiers desk, pay
ing his bill.''
Confidence man (sadlyl: I'm too late"
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

For Constipation or Sick Headache, use
Dr.. Pierce's Pellets; purely vegetable. One
a dose.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

How gladly we take to the ice that 10
were 90 much down ON Last winter.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

If some men were half as big as they think
they are the world would have to be en-
larged.
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Our Girls.
Kitty is witty,
Nettie is pretty,
Lutte is cute and small;
Irene is a queen,
Annette is a pet,
Nell is the belle Of the ball;
Diantha is wealthy;
Bertha is healthy,
And health is best of ALL
Perfect health keeps her rosy and radiant,
beautiful and blooming. sensible and sweet.
1t is secured by wholesome habits and the
use Of DR.. Pierce's Favorlte Prescription,
Bertha takes it, and she also stakes the
cake" The only guaranteed cure for those
distressing ailments peculiar to women. Sat-
isfaction or your money returned.
For Constipation or Sick Headache, use
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

Typewriter agent: 81 called to see you IN
reference to your typewriter. Would you
exchange if you could get some improve
ments!''
Great Merchant: Il can't. I'm engaged
to her."
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

That must have been a big drunk when
Goliah got slowed with sling
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18

We should have a winter of extraordin-
ary severity, blizzard on the heel of
blizzard. 1t was the miIdest winter
ever remember to have passed. Indeed,
the autumn and the spring almost
showed winter out of the procession,
Real troubles have no .heralds running
ahead OF their somber chariots, and NO
one has any authority in our time to an
nounee their coming. Load yourself
up with helpful words and deeds. The
hymn once sung in our churches is unfit
to be sung. for it says:
We should suspect some danger near
Where We possess delight.
IN other words, manage to keep mis-
era6le all the time. The old song sung
Mt the pianos q quarter of a century ago
was right: Kind words can never die !"
ouch kind words have their nests in
kind hearts, and when they are hatched
out and take wing they circle round in
flights that never cease, and sportsman's
gun cannot shoot them. and storms can
not rune their wings, and when they
cease flight in these lower skies of earth
they sweep around amid the higher alti-
tudes of Heaven. At Baltimore a few
days ago l talked into q phonograph.
The cylinder containing the words wore
sent 10 Warrington, and the next day
that cylinder, from another phono.
graphic instrument, when turned, caye
back to me the very words I had ut
tered the day before, and with the same
intonations. Scold into a phonoeraph
and 1t will scold back. Pour mild words
into phonograph and it will return the
gentisness. Society and the world, and
the church, are monographs. Give
them acerbity and rough treatment, and
acerbity and rough treatment Won win
get back. Give them practical friend
Illness, ana they will give back practical
friendliaess. A father asked his little
SSssgnter: Mary. Why is it that every
oooy loves you! She answered: Il
don't know. unless it is because / love
"A man that hath friends
must show himself friendly" We
want something like that spirit of sacri-
nee Tor others that was seen in the En-
0iisA Channsl. whore in storm . boat
Dodge City times., 1889-07-18
All Run Down

From The weaksning effects Of warm wssthsr, b
hard work. or from long illness, you nssd sood
tonic and blood puri6sr. Hoods sarsaperilh
gives good appetite, stzsngthsns ths whole %.
tenn. puri6ss the blood, regulates tho digestion.
Ny health two yeas ago was very poor. NJ
friends thought wcs seimg With consul. -ticu.
commenced using Hoods Sarsaparilla, took Avs
bottles Of it, and to-day can do a. hard q daya
work as ever could. 1t saved me from the gr.vs
and put me ON my feet . sound. healthy man"
WILL r. D. TRIBBxY IA East Main Street, Wiz.
gonsvills Ohio.
Hoods SaT8apaTiIla
Sold BY all druggists. 81; six for s. Prepared only
by c. i. HOOD & CO., Apothecaries, Lowell
Mass.
100 Deses Ono Dollar.
Typewriter agent: 81 called to see you IN
reference to your typewriter. Would you
exchange if you could get some improve
ments!'
Great Merchant: 81 can't. I'm engaged
to her,"
Confidence Man: IL should like to see
Mr.. Hayseed, of Hays ,edvili." Hotel clerk:
He is over there at the cashiers desk, pay
ing his bill"
Confidence n(sadly): "I'm too late"
'.Papa, is Queen Victoria in the soup,
too?" '.NOt exactly. She's in the Irish
stew"
For once the farmers and prohibitionists
are IN thorough agreement-both believe
that this is n mighty wet summer.
\ July magazine announces an article en-
titled ''Books That Have Hindered Me-"
Bank books, like enough.
Il nearly gave myself away last night"
"Ies, | heard so. To Miss BlacksOn,
wasn't it! Why didn't she take you?"
When the grave-digger was asked how he
found life, he replied that he didn't see
much of il around where he worked.
''What do you think. Chappie? Six of my
creditors were at the house at the same time
this morning. THAT was regular owe
vation, old fel."
Omaha Belle: ''Your appearance would
indicate that you like to act as an escort to
the ladies'"
Omaha beau: "Oh, thank you. What is
there suggests gallantry."
Omaha Belle: ''You are so beau-legged."
Pension Office joke-Tanner stands by tho
''Vats.''
Nothing Like Fconomy-Her intended.
The national leader., 1889-03-23
LOCALS.

The 9th anniversary of the Eman-
tion of Slaves in this city will be
celebrated on the 10th of April
From the present outlook it
nises to be success. Rev. w. B.
rick. D. D., the distinguished
ne and eloquent platform speaker
Vew York, will deliver the Eman-
btlon oration. The committee on
Rkers did well in selecting DR..
rlek as the orator upon this occa-
b. Rev. Robert johnson. one of
most eminent Baptist clergy men
the District has been chosen as
(ef Marshal. The affable and popu-
district citizen, Mr.. Chas. II. Mar
ii has charge of the executive man.
bment of the celebration. All hail
} 10Th of April.
The medical department of How
/ University had It's outing on Satur-
b night, the 10th, when at the Con-
bgational church and in the presence
an immense audience the degree of
D. was conferred upon twenty-four
ung men, and the degree of doctor
dental surgery was bestowed upon
, other graduates. Four certificates
pharmacy were also awarded. MIR.
amilton Smith, the valedictOrIan OF
8 class In dentistry, acquitted HIM
( finely and was presented by his
any friends with set of fine dental
Doctor Smith is the son
Hon. John J. Smith of Boston,
ass.
will find it to their ad.
,ntage to advertise in this paper.
and cheap.
The national leader., 1889-03-23
ADVANTAGES OF BEING PLAIN.
Claiming that HomeIy Women are
More Amiable and Polite than
Beauties.

A French newspaper lately intro
duced a novelty by asking its women
readers to write on the advantages OF
being plain, and the disadvantages of
beauty. The discussion which resulted
has brought out the deliberate express
sion of the opinion, on the part of eel
ebrated man of letters, that it is better
for any one to be 'homely' than to be
handsome.
His reasoning is that one who is with
out good looks seeks to make up for the
lack of them with all the world by
amiability, gentleness and politeness,
and so is liked by all, while handsome
persons are apt to be vain of their looks.
and confident that they make them
quite independent of ordinary polite
ness, attract dislike by giving them
selves airs
AS to women, the same writer is
sure that the plain one generally has,
except beauty, everything on her side
-modesty, simplicity and confidence.
He relates an anecdote of Lord Russell
and his son, the Viscount Amberley,
which is to the point. At a royal fete
Lord Russell called his son to window
seat and said to him:
My son, you are thirty years old, and
should think of settling in life
Have you chosen a wife for me e?'
asked Amberley.
No; you have only to choose for
yourself. Look! Do you desire wealth
with your bride? There is Miss Clan
ricardo, whose father has come back
from India as rich as nabob.'
with 100000 from my estate of
Amberley,' said the young, man Il have
no need to look out for fortune
We'll, then. do you look for high
birth? There IS young Lady Florence,
the descendant of Rotherand, one of the
companions of William the Conqueror.
when one is the son Of a Russell,
said the Viscount, there is certainly no
necessity of looking out for noble
birth in a wife.
Then, if it is beauty you seek, here
is the lovely Miss Broughthampton.
Her beauty alone has won her the most
noted of suitors.'
MY lord, I do not look for beauty any
more than 1 do for fortune. Since l
am to marry, desire only happiness
'Oh, that is quite a different easel
If it is happiness you seek. marry
plain woman by all means.'