Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1889-07-26
TANNING A HUSBAND.
THE SARCASTIC ADVICE on A
WOMAN WHO HAD THREE OF
THEM.

my dear woman, exclalms a female
contributor In the Ne,o York Ledger
If he hasn't done "this or that
he has probably done something
else. ScOldlng clears the domestic
atmosphere; You have to keep up
a perpetual cannOnading, or there
will be a revolt. Husbands get
terribly unmanageable sometimes
unless they are kept up to the
mark. Don't lose any time about
il either. Once let man hoist
the flag OF independence, and un-
Iess you haul 1t down tor him in
double quick time you're a lost
woman. Once allow him TO suppose
that les master of the house, and
the first thing you know IL will be ;
"Minnie, bring me match for my
cigar, that's a dear or, "Aiinnie,
last look for my cravat, will you p
or even, "Minnie, I've brought
Jones and Howard home to dinner
couldn't help asking 'em. You
needn't make any extra parade
but Just get few oysters, or a lob
ster or something y That's the
way you'll be victimized. Once
begin waiting on him, and you'll
have business for the rest Of Your
life. Put him down, and keep him
there,
allow ~
That's a pretty question TO ask.
The shows are as thick as mos
quitoes on an August egening
Blame him for every thing he does ;
make up your mind not to be salts
fed under any circumstances
whatever. Fit rains, blame him
because the sun doesn't shine; if
he puts his newspaper on one cor
ner of the mantle-piece, scold him
because he didn't put it on the
other if he laughs above his breath,
put your hands up to your ears,
and ask him "lf he supposes you
were made without nerves " II
he frowns, call him an lll.natured
brute.
If he brings home tickets for the
opera, tell him that you had set
your heart on going to the theater.
If be talks to a lady, turn jealous,
60 into Mysteries If he joins a
knot of gentlemen, tell him "its
very PLAIN that his poor wite's So
ciety has no longer any charms
for him." If be invites friends 70
your house, tell him that you
don't keep a hotel,' if he doesat
invite them, tell him be is an IN
social bear, who would like to
Keep you alone the whole time.
If he has a cold in his head, deluge
the whole house with soap.and-
water and scrub-brushes if he suf.
fers from tOothache, insist on having
every window in the room open,
on account of "fresh air" II he
is fond of roast turkey, see that
cold pork is on the table instead (;
if he likes coffee, discover, ali of a
sudden, that 1t is not healthy, and
substitute milk and water
Don't give him his own way in
any one particular-cOntradict
him on all OccasiOns-tread on his
toes whenever he is going to say
any thing, and then fret at him
for being "silent and sulky." Never
allow him to wear his best coat
put him on a diet of one shirt a
week-keep the "change' and deal
it out to him by the half dime
groan at his extravaganza when
ever he buys new hat, and hunt
in ali his pockets for strong cigars,
champagne cOrks, peanut-shells, or
any such silent witnesses to his
bis depravity.
Why, if you didn't keep up this
constant system OF intimidation,
he might actually be impudent
enough to chuck you under the
chin, or pull your curls, or even
kiss you once in awhile. He might
keep dinner waiting halt minute (;
he might steal one OF your little
handkerchiefs out of the bureau
drawer when he cOnldn't find his
own yellow border concerns; he
might elevate his feet on the par
lor mantel; he might immaglne
home was a place to enjoy himself
in he might be insane enough to
suppose that wife liked to wait
on her husband !.
There Is no telling W b at Il g
might not DO or say or think If he
we're not judiciOusly snuhbed.
Just follow up this system, nov
ever, and you'll be pretty sure to
take the starch out of him. Don't
get discouraged If be is little stiif
and "set in ways' at first; two or
three months of the above disci-
pline will make him as limp as an
old dish.rag. You may be obliged to
fight one or two pitched battles,
but that's of no consequence. You
have always one great resOrt-lf
the day Is gong against YOU turn
on the tears tie can't 60 SWIVEL
| ing about the house with red eyes
and swelled nose-you can Tears
will subdue man when the rest of
the feminine artillery won't! Try
it just once, and see