davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

swell, sir, got married some months
ago, and now when print joke about
wives my wife thinks it means her, and
if mention mother in-law her mother
comes around and raises the roof, aud,
besides, one of my wife's brothers is q
plumber, another is an Ice man, and
The other is coal dealer, aud she has a
half brother who is book agent, and
they're all big men with ugly tempers.
If you don't mind Id Ike to retire from
the humorous department and take u
position as obituary editor. "-Philadel-
phiu RcIid.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

The mortality from prevcrtable dis.
eases is over 5000 yearly in New Jersey
alone. According to the New York
haeDenaeni, taking $1,000 to DO the
value of each life thus sacrificed, the an
nual loss in money for unnecessary deaths
from the following diseases: Diphtheria,
1927; typhoid fever, 522; measles, 29G;
scarlet fever, @55; whooping- cough 1871,
and smallpox, ., foots up So, $40, OO9.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
In the sanctum "A century Hence

"Well, Cash, what's the newsp'
owe have phototelegrams from Mer-
curry, Venus and Mars"
Are those from Mars of any in
tcrestp
"Y'cs, indeed. There's a revolution in
the Central Empire"
"And what of Jupiter"
Nothing rs yet. We cannot quito
understand the signals. Perhaps ours do
not reach them"
That's bad," exclaimed the pro.
prietor, as he hurried away, not in the
best of humor, toward the hail of the
scientific editors.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

a .lapanesc, after 70 years OF labor 4;
research and experiment, has patented
nm invention for walking on the water, q
sort OF shoe made of wood, OF paper, OF
iron and of gum elastic. lis shape is
elip;ical, and it is joined with belt of
salvage and gutta percha tubes. II is
not stated what makes the locomot ion,
but it claims to go nearly league an
hour The whole thing does not weigh
more than % pounds. and it allows the
voyager to carry with him about 2j
pounds of baggage.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
of the value of farms.

The newspapers are beginning to COM
ment on the extraordinary number of fat
women who appear in public places in
New York. Who they are and what
makes them so phcnomenally corpulent
is mystery. Fat women appear TO be
on the increase all over the country.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

A Paris paper wonders why the
American press pays SO much attention
to the affairs Of Ireland, and adds that
the average daily has 100 lines about
Ireland to one about France.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

The United States Labor Commission
er's report from seventy two leading
cities on the condition of working wo-
men shows that Atlanta, Ga, pays tho
lowest wages o! any, with the exception
of Richmond, Va.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
cemetery

The first woman preacher to be IL
ccnsed by the Methodist Church South
Is Mrs. Weber, of Springtown, Arkan-
sas, whose husband Is also a preacher
The innovation, states Hrper's Weekly,
has caused quite stir in Southern Meth
odist circles, and will probably result in
the passage of law making women eli
gible for holy orders.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

Why is it, asks the Atlanta Coastitu-
tiOn, that our United States Senators arc
shaved at the expense of the people.
Is there any sound reason for having the
expenses of the senatorial barber shop
paid out of the contingent fund!
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
y Man in the HONEYMOON.

lIostcss-"And so you really believe
the moon TO be Inhabited, Profcssor!"
Professor Einzumachen-"Ah veil.
do not say Eat. But zere is vun moon
IN which zere mus be vun man."
lostess-"And which might that be
pray"
Professor L. quitting on his party
manncrs)-"Vy, ze-vat you call it?-ze
honeymoon
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
The WORKINGS Of T,uo

Mrs. B.-"That couple across the
street are going to &C citrate the anniver-
sary OF their wedding. l wonder how
long they have been married."
MIR. B.-"Ths must be the first ami
versary, because notice that she sits mt
the window every evening and waits for
him to come home"
Mrs. B.-"If they had been married as
long MS we have, the poor thing would
have TO wait for him all night. "-Life.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

The greatest emigration society ut
present is the Argentine Republic. 1t
will spend this year 81, 900, 600 to bring
emigrants from the north of Europe
alone. Ships from England Holland
and France are taking them over in thou
Squalls.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
A Fnynritc Tonic

"Don't you think it strange that Mr..
BJoncs never gets tired FROM talking so
much!" asked Merritt.
Not at AL" returned Miss Snyder,
with smile; 'you see he always speaks
about himself "-Ju,ige.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
lie Had 1t Down Fine.

Say Cholley," asked one ncwsboy of
another, whats pa, in icllcrl"
Hes dc man what pays out de
money"
AN what's reccivir, teller"
Hes dc man what taxes in dc
money"
can what's dc cnshier?n
Hes de Teller what gifts away wild dc
money. "-Ba-r.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

The Bellaire, GAINESVILLE & Cincinnati
Railroad in Ohio is advertised rs "the
only line running through, without
change OF cars, to Jerusalem, Bethel,
Ozark, Jacobsburg, and in full view of
the plains of Abraham, near Cumbcr.
land. Close connection made at Jerusa
lem with stage for Antioch" This makes
rather odd juxtaposition of biblical
names
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
Time Wasted.

81 hope. Mr.. Tcmplccourt," said the
lady, n she rose from the chair which
had viblatcd with her voice for an hour
and u half, chat haven't taken up too
much of your valuable time"
mot at all, Mrs. Chats" returned
the lawyer, CHANGING YEARLY at the pile
OF letters on his desk; 81 assure you
that this time has been of no value to nc
whatever. ~ oston Beacon.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
A Funnv Nfan,s Troubles

Editor-tMr.F unnyman, your humor.
GUS department is not half SO bright and
fresh as it used to be. Are you in poor
health2"
Mr.. Funnyman-"N-o o, sir; my health's
all right, but I'm afraid I've got to give
up humorous work"
whats the matter2'
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

Three street cars recently shipped from
this country TO Buenos Ayrcs are
equipped MS hearses and mourning cars
of three different grades. Inside are
seats for the mourners, Il place for the
collin, an altar, cross and candelabra.
The cars arc to be run on the street car
tracks to convey funeral parties to the
nnmntcru
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
He WouIdn't WHIT.

81 understand there is man here who
wants to lick the terror of Shinhandy,"
beloved the bully as he entered the bar
room Of border town.
Yes; he's just now engaged in n
proad-aX dual w tn two other men in the
dark room yondcr. Won't YOU waltz
"N-n-no; I'm late for supper now."-
Juagc.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
a BEGINNING.

American Boy = "Papa, the paper
says that Japanese war vessels are ilumi-
mated by electric lights. Why can't the
United states have things that wayi"
Papa-"We have made a beginning in
that direction, my son. We've got the
lights. PHILADELPHIA Record.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

-pItEkc State Commissioners report shows
ff he than 10, 600 farms are mortgagcd
.ipeFeSas, and the aggregate debt repre-
,ssnfsW is only $40, GSl, $50. AS n COM
ItGl9s9q with other States Ohio is cited,
Of. which is fifty three per Gent.
of the value of farms.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
From Opposite stnndpoints.

Bobby-"What fine time the pearl
divers must have, Tommy They arc in
swimmin' all day, and have more fat.
Juicy oysters than they can eat"
Tommy Yes; and what fine time
the sharks have eatin' of them ~
Jc,eetcrs' Weekly.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

by the best ladies OF
our society, and how
our statesmen throw
open Their houses and
their arms TO him, tho
contrast between his
position aud that of
the American minister
TO China is Il national
humiliation. The bet
ter class of the Chinese
oiler no social invita-
tons TO the foreign
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

If the armies of the Old World should
go on increasing rs they have been do
ing for the last few years, asserts the
Commercial Adcertiser, all Europe will be
bankrupt before the close of the present
century.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

on their backs instead of one. They
are covered with wool instead of hair,
and this long, curly coating appears in
oil the various shades of tan. They come
here from tho cold regions of Mongolia
or Siberia By the thousands, and during
my visit to the Chinese wall l passed
caravans, each of which numbered hun
drcds OF these camels marching in single
lille led by ropes fastened to sticks thrust
through the thick csh Of their noses,
and bringing great loads Of furs from the
north for the use. of the dilcttant mall
dnrins of Fckirg, and carrying back
brick dust, tea, and coal 10 the Tartars
and liussians. Some of them are ridden
by brown faced Mongol women, who, in
coats, pantaloons, and fur caps, r.do
astride, and the men arc clad in sheep
skins with fur caps pulled well down
over their fierce Tartar eyes. | zee tho
Thibetan lamas in their gorgeous robes,
and we have here large lama temple or
monastery, wncrc these men havo one
OF tho two living Buddhas of the
world. He is worshipcd us n god, and
when lie dies another Buddhn will be
chosen and the g'eat spirit will inhabit
hlm and continue the sprual reign.
Thlbct, Corea, Siam, Burmah, Mon
golia, Mautchooria, and parts of Af-
ghanistan are all tributary to China, and
their representatives are all here. This
city is tho capital of nearly onc-tcnth
the cultivahlc surface of the earth, and
from onc-third to onc.fourth of tho
people of the earth are governed from it
and pay homage to it. The great En-
pirc of China hasa territory much larger
than that of the United Suites, and its
population is greater than that of the
United States and Europe added to.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

Dom Pedro, Emperor of Brazil, would
make good immigration agent Dur
ing his recent stay in Europe he per-
suaded 1926, 600 people to go to Brazil.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
Took tho Phras, Literally.


81 don't want yer old paper no long
cr'n ye may est stop it to wunst."
What's the ma.ter2'
"Any paper that'll lie like your'n
does, ain lit to place inter n refined
and dedicated household like mine is. :"
'Has it been lyingi"
"ilc. it! We'll, should say it had.
rayther. Only last week it sed in the
items from aour taown, tibet 'Rev. James
pogram NV Boston filed the pulpit at
tho Union Church in B.rchyiIe decs-
trict'"
"Wcll, didn't hel"
mo, stree, he didn't. Why, mes a
little lightweight whppcr snapper, wot
don't weigh no morc'n eighty pounds.
and it would take 200 hundred w such as
him ter fill aour pulpit, or cum any
wharcs near il. We've got full grown
pulpit, wot can't be filed by no ono
such boy ez he is. '-Daasutic Brees,.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
CITY OF PEKING.
THE FILTHY CAPITAL OF THE
GREAT CHINESE NATION.
Tho Most Conccitcd Nation on
Earth-Thc Great Walls OF
PclSing-Livcly Scenes
in tho City.
~T ne TELEGRAPH has be.

come u fixture in
tho holy city of Pc
king, writes Frank
G. Carpenter in the
Chicago Times. Tho
mandarins now use
the wire and the En-
peror has his reports
by telegraph from tho
leading cities of the
kingdom. Ten years
ago the ChinaInan
who dared proDose
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

A prominent Southern newspaper is
agitating the utilization of barren Alas
ka us penal colony.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
y Blimhtcd Isomance.

The young man had accepted seal
an hour or two before in crowded tram
by the side of Il young lady who had
graciously made room for him.
You will pardon me, he was saying,
"for being bold enough, Miss -"
Hopper" she prompted softly.
",liss Whoppei. Thank you. My
name is Cahokia. You will pardon mo, ("
he went on, in slightly trcmulous
tone, ''for being bold enough to shy on
such short acquaintance that l sincerely
hope this may not be the last time we
shall meet. have never seen a young
lady for whom felt l could entertain 81
deep A"
DINNER all ready in the dining carl"
announced dark complexioned official,
thrusting his head in at the door of the
car.
The young man from st. Louis sprana
convulsivcly to his feet, seized his hal
and ovcrcoat with frantic energy, aud,
by the most desperate and reckless exer-
tons, succeeded in being the first man
in the cor to respond to the invitation,
and n budding romance in the life OF
the susceptible maiden from Southern
Illinois came to a melancholy aud I'M
timely cnd.-Chi age Iribuae.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
Real Cause the Samoa Fuss.

The special representative of the
Chicago Ne,cS has succeeded in discover
ing the true inwardness Of the American.
German Samoan imbroglo. Startling u:
it may seem, Chicago is at the bottom
OF 1t all. 1t appears, according to tho
statements OF prom ncnt members of the
committee of investigation appointed by
the Taimua, and the Faipule, that
Chicago parties had shipped large guam
titles of canned beef, veal, chicken aud
other edib.es of the animal kind through
their agents there to the natives of the
islands, who, by the way, on the dead
quiet, are rs great cannibals rs ever, and
relish human flesh the more because it Is
forbidden them. The Samoans are not
particularly stuck on canned meats in
general, but they were badly taken In
with those sent from Chicago. The
American traders in Samoa removed
all the original labels and replaced
them by entirely new and
still Gaudier ones. The reading
was materially changed. For instance.
the new labels on the canned chicken
read: "One- Half Pound Fresh White
Baby, Already Cooked; Cut the Can at
the Arrow" while the canned veal was
changed, acco. ding to the label, to
".'piccd Dude, with Dressing; Very
Tender" The corncd beef labels, too.
had been slightly altered, for they bore
the legend: "Boneless Missionary, with
Tru.iles." The Snmoans were delighted
with these delicacies and willingly paid
fancy prices for them. All went we'll
until the German, gave the snap away
after vainly endeavoring to introduce
bockwurst, sauerkraut, imburgei
cheese, and brctzels as staples OF Samoan
diet. Then civil war was be gun.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
The stnlcn, Felt CompIimonted.

Daring the engagement of Booth and
Barrett ln New Orleans last season u.s.
sistants for sold ers, courtiers and mobs
were drawn largely from tie students of
the medical and law departments of the
Tulane University. They liked it, and
subsequently,, those who had swallow
tail coats. and were swell were induced
to assist ut tie Mrs. Langtry receptions.
One OF tho young gentlemen, a law stu
dent, was much elated by his association
with the great ira edians. Ono night he
weat home in great gee to his mother,
and said; "Mothcr, Mr.. Booth spoke to
me to night" "Spokc to you" said the
proud mother. "What did he Says
why, MOTHER" said the hopeful young
lawyer, 81 was standing in ono of the
entrances to the Stage VIXEN Mr.. Booth
came out of his dressing room to go or
quick, like that-and he said to me ::
Gonfound you sir Get out of the way,
quick; get out of the wayp Yes, indeed,
he talked to me-" Pscayune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
a MaIden's Aec-A BcgInning-A
Favorito Topic - He Wouldn't
Wait-From Opposite Stand
points, Etc, Etc.
Maiden twenty,
4

Maiden twenty,
Lovers plenty,
Pertiy shakes her pretty caput, vows that
she will never we'd
Two years alter
M Causes laughter,
limit at twenty she 20 foolish, she so silly
thing had said.
Five years later
Still a waiter;
welded sho will be-
Twenty-eight,
Meets her fate,
ana most happily is married ut the age of
twonty thres.
-Btnghan,pton RepuJf;an.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
Memories Of Work.

Weary Raggles-"Will you kindly
give me drink of water, Nadame2'
Mrs. Haseed There's the well; 90
help yourself"
Weary-taggles-"I would prefer you
should hand it to me in Il goblet, if you
please. The memories which the sight
oil that old oakcn bucket awaken would
make the draught bitter with my tears F."
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

Late statistics show that there are only
about one hundred thousand militlamcn
in the United States.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

Scarcity of suitable firing ran ees is
complained of in England.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19
Bee culture in the United States Is in
depressed state just now.
England, too, is awakening to the ne
ressity OF limiting immigration.

In Pennsylvania the subject of allow
ing women full power of suffrage is be-
Ing widely agitatcd.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-04-19

PertIy shakes her pretty caput, VOWS that
she will never we'd
Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1889-12-04
READY FOR The DRILL.
Progress OF work ut the Artesian Well
Complete Equipment-The Valley.

Final preparations for setting the drill
at work ON the artesian well were com
pleted to-day, and the machinery Is eX'
pected to start tomorrow. Some delay
was occasioned by the fact that the sand
pump line formerly used was too much
weather worn to be trusted, and this had
to be replaced with q new rope This
came to hand from Denver this morning,
and is l,400 feet in length. The
water tank has been also oVerhauled,
also the big Wheels and every
feature OF the equipment is now counted
as first class. The water supply for the
boiler and for keeping the drill hole
moist will be hauled from Hanley's Ar
royo Hondo WE'LL the contractor has to
pay 81 day for the water and haul it
himself, whi b is considered rather steep
when taken in connection with the great
benefits artesian water will bring to every
land owner in the vicinity.
No one with an eye for the beauties OF
nature can visit the well without feeling
that Santa Fe has bonanza here at her
very door ii the undertaking to people this
valley with farmers is successful. One
gentleman. a comparative stranger, said
to-day: Il took drive yesterday out as
far as the artesian well site and was as
tonished to find so beautiful a valley. The
soil is excellent, and when supplied with
water will put to the blush the productive
bottom lands of the Missouri valley. In
deed Santa Fe has resources that never
dreamed she possessed"
Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1889-12-04
TERRITORIAL TIPS.

Dick Dunn has furnished Las Vegas
with seventy-fve foot flag staff which
is to be erected in the plaza.
Or. j. +. Pettijohn, formerly of Las
Vegas, now of Mora, is candidate for
superintendent Of the census of New
Mexico.
]. V. Ashley, OF Albuquerque, has de-
cided to leave the self styled "metrop-
oils" and offers large lot OF realty for
sale dirt cheap.
Tres l1ermanos mining stock is held at
stiff prices by holders in this city, but this
morning an idiot sold small block of the
stock and then walked to an office two
blocks away, where he learned that he
could have sold his stock for Just four
times the amount that he got for it,
Optic.
An Albuquerque genius has invented a
tree fastener. 1t will be extensively en-
ployed in Albuquerque and Las Wages to
keep trees from blowing away. McCreight,
OF the Citizen, will get up an improvement
on the machine to hold young ladies down
who go out on the streets when the usual
sprirg zephyrs are blowing.-Gallup
News-Re lister.
The Cutinole woman was found guilty
OF forgery in the case OF Father Gentle,
wnich has so long been occupying the at
tention of the court at Albuquerque,
and was sentenced to one year in the
penitentiary. When the verdict was
made known there was n canon fired
somewhere in the vicinity OF the court
house. The case was certainly re-
markable one in very many of its fea-
lures.
Las Vegas note: In the matter of our
school board, consisting of Edward Henry,
A. C..Sloan and David Thomas, they have
proved themselves very efficient officers.
When they went into office they found it
in debt over 81 800. All but 5000 has
been paid, and before the LIST of January,
1890, that amount will be paid and money
left in the treasury. They have furnished
eight or nine months of school during
their term of office. Such service is en-
titled to our consideration and to show
them our appreciation of their valuable
services they should be continued in office
another term
Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1889-12-04
PERSONAL.

L. L. Lawrence, of Fairview, is at the
Exchange.
Judge H. J.. Waldo left this morning
for Las Vegas.
J. w. Mcdonald, OF San Juan, is regis
tered at the Exchange.
DR.. B. NJ. Thomas, territorial secretary,
returned from Albuquerqe yesterday.
District Attorney Twitchell returned
yesterday morning from flying tript to the
Missouri river.
Hon. J. Frank Chavez, who has been
in Kansas City on business for two weeks
past, went down the road yesterday to
Los Lunas.
Mr.. J. Rhynas Jones, of Cambridge,
Mass, who has been the guest OF Capt.
and Mrs. Summerhayes for several days,
has resumed his journey to San Fran
cisco.
Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1889-12-04

Parties in from Espanola say that great
excitement was caused by the discovery
few days ago OF the foot and portion
of leg of a man in an ash heap about
200 yards east OF the Denver & Rio
Grande railroad in the pinon timber, nine
miles north OF Baranca. The section men
noticed large fire there last Wednesday
night, at which time it is thought muir
der must have been committed. There
is cross country road from Taos to Ojo
Calente, at that point, and the remains
are supposed to be those of some luckless
traveller, who was murdered and his body
burned to prevent detection. There is as
yet no clue, and it will probably always
remain mystery.
Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1889-12-04

In order to keep pace with the progress
si,e measures adopted by the ID. & r. G
road toward New Mexico, the Santa Fe
Southern yesterday closed its daily train
service to Espanola, and henceforth will
run tri-weekly trains toconnect there with
the y. & r. G. trains. The connection,
however, will he direct only one way.
Trains leaving Santa Fe will be direct
through trains to Pueblo, Denver and all
Colorado points, but the incoming pas
sengers and freight on D. & r. &, trains
will have to lay over all night at Espano-
la. The Santa Fe Southern people say
that if there is to be any kick on the part
OF the travelling public it will thus fall on
the D. 4 r.. g., and it is family hoped
that this new move will inspire the d. q
r. &. to resume the running OF daily
trains in New Mexico. The Santa Fe
Southern traios leave here on Tuesdays,
Thursday and Saturdays at s 80 a. M, re-
turning the same day at | p. IN.