Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-12-06
LAUGHANDGROW FAT
Eye and Riley, the Princes of Fun
makers, Appear Here.
THEY DIDN'T PEDDLE CHESTEUTs.
Stories, Witticisms, PathOs, BathOs and
JestS Their Weapons.
GREAT DUAL ENTERTAINMENT

of the Nye-RileY lecture last evening would
have been merrily augmented. The closing
act of the screaming farce was when every
body had left the hall and the janitor
swooped around and gathered up quart of
buttons.
Fun and merriment reigned in various
stages the whole evening through, princi-
pally the superlative stage, however, and
the faces of the audience in the different
contortions that excessive mirth produced
were side-splitting study in themselves.
The capacity of the hall and galleries was
taxed to the utmost to accommodate the
laughing, shaking mass of humanity.
Round after round of applause, and peal
after peal of laughter, greeted the humor-
lists at every move, word and look.
The fun commenced when Nye, in dress
suit, pair of glasses and bald head, informed
the audience that he was fond of rural
sports; that he especially enjoyed fox hunt
ing, and he wanted good red or grey fox
that would come home nights. He said he
owned one once, but it had fashion of get
ting in the pound just when he wanted to
hunt it, And IL was dreadfully inconvenient
to have to search all over town for the fox
you were going to hunt after the party were
all mounted, he said.
THE FOX THAT FUNKED.
The fox he was the proud possessor of
was light red fox and it went lame in the
off hind foot and eraWled under the barn
the last time he wanted to hunt it, where it
remained until after the hunt was over. In
buying new fox he wanted q light red, or
iron gray variety, a young, fealess fox,
good roadster, and one that would come up
and eat out of his hand and yearn to be
loved.
He was also desirous of purchasing tall,
red horse with a sawed-of tail, horse that
could jump barbed wire fence without
mussing the fence up with the fragments Of
its rider. Anyone having either animal
with the necessary requirements, he in
formed the audience, would do well to COM
municate with him. He was to be found in
the summer time ON his estate spread out
under a tree-engaged in thought.
In Riley's first appearance the audience
was regaled with dialect impersonat"n of
an old bachelor who, in an inexpressibly
funny manner, took his friends into his con-
fidence one day and told them why he had
never married.
The story, in substance, was that loving a
stepsister to distraction he was just on the
point of proposing to her one evening, as
they were riding home together on load OF
hay, when she turned and kissed him, and
in his own language he had bigger load of
heaven than he had of hay just about that
time. But when she explained her caress
by telling she was so happy because she was
going to marry Mr.. Brown, his feelings
struck partnership with the sunset and
went down.
HE WENT AFTER THE WIDOW.
The wedding occurred and the couple
went to Illinois to live. In due time the
husband died, and the old bachelor went out
and brought the widow and children home,
and gayly told his listeners he had just come
into town for to get marriage license for
to marry Mary Brown.
Mr.. Nye reappeared and said while Riley |
was recovering his breath he would tell them |
a story; it would be true story, for he liked |
to deviate from the usual programme occa-
sionally It was a "reminiscences of |
his boyhood days, when he attended the vii |
Iage school. One rule of the school was |
that if any article of the schoolhouse furni- |
ture was mutilated a fine of S. would be inn !
posed on the offender One day while |
thinking-of the tariff, he said, he whitfield |
the desk. He was given his choice between |
paying fine or taking whipping. He |
said he didn't have the cash with him, but |
when he went home that night he told his |
father about it, and put the case to him very !
strongly, and asked him for the loan Of the |
necessary money.
AN IMPLACABLE PARENT.
His father, he said, was not inclined to |
become broker, and said he could stand a |
great deal of corporal punishment taken in |
the proposed way. The father was finally |
persuaded, after exacting promise that 1t |
would be the last offense, to furnish the %.
On the way to school the next morning |
Nye said he thought over the matter care |
fully and prayerfully and concluded that |
S. 90 was too large sum of money to fritter |
away on a school district that had never |
done anything special for him, and SO when |
he got there he took the whipping-and re-
tanned the S5 90. It was, he said, the first |
money he ever honestly earned and with it |
he went to the circus with a portion-and |
bought arnica with the remainder.
Riley then, to the great satisfaction of his |
hearers. became the old man thinking OF his |
boyhood days, when he and his little brother |
were accustomed to visit old Aunt Mary |
and be regaled with jam and jelly and all
sorts of pickles that called forth a wonder
full smacking of lips Just from memory. He
also portrayed the German-American dia-
Iect in ''Dot Little Poy Of Mine" in such a
way that when the death of dot little poy
occurred the grief endured called forth many
a tear from his hearers.
LARGE, EXPENSIVE WORDS.
Mr.. Nye then became a schoolboy and
convulsed his hearers by reading one of his
own articles written with the large, ex-
nens1ye words that were in vogue when Mr.
McGuffery was fond of standing around and
ranorting conversations
The boy from Zewe was then characterized |
by Riley and whole host of street urchins
who were interested in the boy from Few in
all of his exploits, from blacking one OF
their comrades eyes to breaking his own
arms at every opportunity.
Nye then said by the request Of many |
citizens of Pittsburg that were not there he
would describe dog he was once associated
with. When he first went West, he said, he
didn't own dog because he didn't think
himself poor enough, but after becoming ac-
ouainted with the various mines in the West
he thought he possessed the necessary pov-
erty for one dog at least.
It was a tramp dog, brindle colored where
it had any hair left and seal brown where it
was worn off. His tail had been intimately
acquainted with pail of boiling water, and
as consequence looked like a new sausage, /
was bald-headed tail.
IT WAS AN INSECT DOG.
He named it Entomologist because be
learned that entomologists made large collec-
tions of strange and peculiar insects. Its
appetite was immense, it would spend the
DAYTIME away from home eating all kinds
of indigestible food and return to the cabin