The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-01-31
NEWSPAPER HUMOR.

Written with Six Dollar Pair of Shears.
Western train robbers who rifle the
mail bags use their rifles on the train
men, too.
Nature is just with compensation for
losses. The toothless man is not apt to
bite off more than he can chew.-NetD
Orleans Picdy1ne. i. Is s..tt.
Young doctor-They don't bleed peo-
pie nowadays as they did twenty years
ago, do they, professor Professor-Not
with the lancet.-DoctOr,
A widower is like baby, because he
cries for the first six months, begins to
notice in the next six months, and 1t is
uard work for him to get through the
second summer.
Husband Ito wife with pet dog)-You
should have married Fido instead Of me.
Wife (reeretfully)-Bu poor Fido hadn't
any money, don't you Washing
ton Post.
cleaning, Johnnie p asked Merritt.
carried the 200 pounds of fish home in
last night "-NeU York Sun.
He-My darling, really believe my
rheumatism has wholly disappeared.
She-Oh, am 80 sorry /! Now we shall
never know when the weather is going
to change e.-BoStOn Beacon.
Mrs. Jason-Jediel, was there ever
such person as the foOl killer? Mr.. JAS
pn-What idiotic questions you do ask.
How the dickens do | know? / never
met him. Mrs. Jason-Oh, know that!
Patertamilias--Why, Ethel You
don't mean to marry that baldheaded
| Professor Wiseman? Ethel-It is true he
is bald, but think how many young men
of today are bald on the inside Of their
heads Idea.
| A boy who had been starving himself
for some time in anticipation of a Christ
mas feast was heard to remark to COM
Danion that he was so empty that he
heard the first mouthful strike on the
bottom of his boots.
"You may bring me some satanized
crustaceans." said Miss Boston to the
waiter. MAN ~ gasped the astonished
menial. Don't you understand me |
want deviled crabs" 20, yes'm. Bring
'em right away."-Ided.
An item is going the rounds alleging
that the hustle is liable to explode and
! should be labeled hazardous" Bustles
: are as safe as coal scuttles. We've held
D many of them on our lap without risk
Detroit Free Press.
A New York clergyman, dismissed
from the pulpit few months ago, is
now acting as brakeman on a railroad
:, train. His experience in coupling was
y no doubt a strong recommendation for
the position. on.-NorriStoU Herald.
Acknowledgements must be getting
up in the world. Did you notice how
politely his tailor bowed to him Bolton
!, -Humph The poor fellow knows he's
l. got to be civil il he ever expects to col
% lect cent.-Ne,U York Sun.
as Louisa-Clara, if were you I'd take
e. Mr.. Oldboy to certain store on Broad
ID way before I'd let him take me to the
t. theater again. Cara-And what stor'
a. is it, pray Louisa-The one that adver
r. tises "Old bows rehaired while yol
v! air."-Puck.
I'd MY brothers are lucky dogs One o
TX them married two big farms and tn
r.. other married half interest in a nation
I'd al bank" "They are lucky indeed
tn What did you get with your wife /;
l me Oh, got timber jaw and a pal
he of ice cold feet :"
re Grimsby-That man, DAnks, get
IL more matter accepted by the newspaper
an and magazines than any other person
ie' my acquaintance. Danks-Is that 30
as He dosen't look like a literary fellow
l Grimsby-He isn't he is an advertisin
q agent.-BOStOn Post.
an Phiadelphisn-Is there much music'
or et culture in Prairie City Westener-Mu
, I ical culture Well, should smile. VIII.
n , sir, the Prairie City folks just turn oil
~ and mob the salvation army every tin
ID. the bass drummer gets out Of tune wit
T. the cornet.- Philadelphia Record.
M Thrifty mother-Ellen, why will yc
Nv persist in eating the soft part of yol
he bread and leaving the crusts under Il
l edge of your plate Some day you ms
'els be glad to get even crusts to es
nv Thoughtful daughter-Yes, mothe
I'd that's what I'm saving them for.-Bt
the ton Transcript.