The Daily times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1886-1889, 1889-11-03
HOW TO TREAT INGERSOLL.

The following question having been
submitted to a college Professor. he re-
plies as rollows in tfe Albany Journal :
Dear Professor:-Are not Iugersoll &
arguments unanswerable? What are
you going to do about it?
SEVERAL STUDENTS.
So YOU are out half dollar apiece,
are you? No, no; | cannot answer
him. Boys recall the incident IN my
eager and impetuous youth OF wastInga
pound and half Of bird shot on small
owl. followed him from tree to tree,
and shot away hatful Of feathers.
and when he died of fatigue found
that his body was about as large as a
robins aud | could put it to no
earthly use. He was deceptive
target. If understand the gentleman
from Peoria. he wishes TO liberate youth
from the incubus and thraldom of eu-
perstition. That devastating influence
of the country ciergymans on 5000 per
annum and donation is what worries
Robert. and he proposes to cure it and
eradicate it for the triiling pittance Of
$3.50 per lecture. For fifty cents he pro-
poses to lberate your mind from that
influence which filtered into it from the
trembling lips of your mother, and
free you from the chain of superstition
loaded upon your soul by the rough
but loving hand of your father. OF
course he worries about you more
thal those old fogies did-for fifty
cents.
You lock around you in the city here
and you discover several millions OF
dollars invested in hospitals, seminaries,
asylums. forced on the suffering com
munity by the same mythical, miracu-
lous and superstitious incubus of re-
ligion. You ask the gentleman from
Peoria where his little public institu-
tions are, founded by his peculiar
teaching, and he says in an absent
minded manner, Fifty cents at the
door
Boys, you see sometimesa poor mans
funeral procession, with democrat
wagon. and little coffin in it so small
you carry it under your arm. A poor
couple walk behind it with breaking
hearts. TheiI baby is in the little
coffin. 1t was their all. There hearts
are broken. Oh, if we only had Bob
there TO tell them about liberty and
myths and miracles-for fifty cents
how it would cheer them up.
But you say there are so many inf
dels. Boys, you are mistaken. An in
fidel is an abnormal growth, and Ma
ture feels funny once IN while and
creates a freak, c. g., the living skele-
ton, the fat woman. the two headed
girl. SO there is about ore inidel to a
million sane men. The most Of these
fellows are amateur infidels. They talk
IngersoI in fair weather. and pray
themselves hoaIse every time 1t thun-
ders. A welldeveloped case of cholera
mOrbus will knock their infidelity olt
of them and leave them in cold sweat
like a china dog in an Ice-house. / know
them. The most OF them are like the
boy who runs away from home and
comes back to stay with father nights.
Then. again, boys. take look around
YOU when you invest another fifty cents
in liberty, and compare the crowd with
the kind OF people you find in almost
any church. Is it the odor OF sanctlty
you smell Hardly, boys. hardly. But
you can eat peanuts there and choke on
the shells while you applaud the funny
Jokes about the heaven here you know
in your heart you hope mother is, or
hear the humble Nazarene ridiculed,
who, you think, and always will think,
gave a home To your weary old father
when he left the earth.
Yes, boys, his arguments are unan-
swerable, and think the season will
come along, and the churches will con-
tinue TO bloom. aud all nature will most |
exasperatingly and calmly perform her
functions if Robert is not answered.
You know when the first steamer
crossed the Atlantic great philosopher
was delivering most conclusive argu-
ment to prove that by no possibility |
could a steam vessel cross the ocean,
aud that provoking steamer came snort
ing and sizzling and splurging right in
to the harbor. Boys, so will Gods |
foolish children go right on praying
and preaching and dying and going to |
heaven in spite of argument.