Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1889-09-12
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

Red hot-A boiled lobster.
The lovers fayorite actor-Mari-us.
"The board of arbitration"-A shingle. |
Riparion diseases-The cataracts of the
Nile
The pretty housemaid is the lily of the
valet.
The original "salt union"-Neptune
and Amphitrite.
Smartness is knowing how to "catch |
on" wisdom, how to let go.
A poor widow-One who can't remain
unmarried any length of time.
An electric spark-Making love by
telegraph. h. Washington Capital.
4 drill is a bore-especially to the Of
fcer in charge of the awkward squad
Life,
A John Mary Ann is the latest name for
a man that pushes his baby about in a
perambulator.
A good resolution is fine starting
point, but as terminus it has no value.
--Scranton Truth.
What a quiet, economical world we
would live in, if it were not for the move.
ments of the under jaw!
"Does the wind always blow this way,
my good man?" "No, it don't. Some
times it blows the other way"
One of the interesting experiments in
popular chemistry is when youth feeds
his fame with ice-cream.
"What are you digging, dear9" "I'm
going to plant mashed potatoes. like
'em better than the other sort. Life.
There is always room at the top-and
when small man gets there, he only
serves to set off the surrounding vacancy.
Judge.
The most unfair thing that happens to
women is that engagements are so short
and marriages SO long.-Binghanston Re.
publican.
Remorse is a good deal like a wooden
leg. 1t may help you on your way, but
you always think how much happier you
would be without it.
IT'S the church-bell in the steeple
That to worship calls the people;
'Tis the church-belle in the choir
Calls the young men to admire.
Judge.
The auctioneer is no more liable to In.
sanity than anybody else, notwithstand.
ing the fact that he is almost continually
in more-bid mental condition. Wash.
ington Capital.
A shoemaker hung out a new sign, and
then wondered what passers-by found SC
amusing. His sign ran as follows;
''Dont go elsewhere to be cheated.
Walk in here. ."-Ne,O York Tribune.
Prospective Tourist am going
West because 1 have reason to believe
that it's a good place to settle in" Re-
turned Tourist-"I am not so sure OF
that. l lived there ten years myself, and
never paid bill while was there. -
Philadelphia Inquirer.
There was little boy
Whose name was "Quick."
He knocked off some apples
With stick.
The apples were so good
That he ate q,
And now Gf no was good enough)
He's in heaven.
-DansriLe Breeze
Simpson-"Well, my boy is through
college now, and I guess will start him
in one of the professions. Sampson
II think he will make a good physician.
Simpson-"Why?" Sampson-"In the
next two years that boy is going to have
as fine set of side whiskers as you ever
."-Terre Haute Erpress.
John Loss Consulting clairvoyant)-
"My watch has been stolen, and want
information that will lead to its recov.
cry" Clairvoyant "Cross my palm
with silver dollar. ct is done and the
clairvoyant falls into trance,) Your
watch is in the pocket of bad man. Find
him; cause his arrest, and the timepiece
will again be yours. ."-Jeace1ers' Weekly
Weeping Widow-"You are sure, Mr.
Boneplanter, that you will conduct every.
thing in a satisfactory mannerG" Emi.
nent Observation-Disclosures no fear on that
score, beg of you, Mrs. Billhope. OF
all the people have buried in my long
and successful careerI am proud to say
that not one ever raised the slightest OBJ
lection to my work. ."-Terre Haute Er.
press.
Brother Flacktery, who is to occupy
this pulpit next Sunday in my absence, y
remarked the Kansas City pastor to his
congregation, sis young clergyman re.
siding in st. Louis. 1 trust you will re.
ceive him with kindness and cordiality
that may effectually remove the feeling
of embarrassment he will naturally ex-
perience on his first appearance before a
metropolitan audience.N- Chicago 1ri.
6une.