The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-12-04
WIT AND HUMOR.


There is talk of the oyster getting in
to "a TRUST. Down with the oyster
YOn6ers Statesman.
When the selfmade man goes into
politics he is apt to find that officials
are machine made.-Patck.
The woman who cuts her hair short
rarely applies the same process to her
speech.-1erre Rdate Express.
1t is the man continually cramped
who finds difficulty in keeping his head
above water.-Te1as Sittings.
There is a great movement on the
part of the anarchists-when the bar
keeper offers to treat to beer.-1roy
Press.
Don't hit a man when he is down
hit him while he is up a tree, and run
away before he reaches the ground
Puck.
Little Man (proudly)-"Yes sir, I'm
selfinade man. Big Man-..W
was the matter, did the material give
outpn-1I?ne.
Mr.. Longbawr-'1 fact, Miss Gay
lor, just act as if were not here" Miss
Gaylor-''T Then I'll proceed to enjoy
myself. .'-Pstck
Teacher-.'Why should we all rever-
ence George Washington" Sammy
Zoos he never got caught in lie. p
Ierre Haute Express.
Mr. We'll, understand that
you have finally taken a partner" Miss
Hihand-''Yes and he's going to be .
silent one, too. Thine.
Nr ..X4yl,o4 J:1 -, A. - +Lo
cooking school to-day?n Laura-''O,
-Ierre HdUte Empress.
Willis-s'So your cook has left you
ehp Did she 90 off with the hired man?"
Wallace-..No; she went off with the
kerosene can. IN. I. San.
Don't be frightened. The house isn't
haunted. It's only the hired man get
ting the furnace ready for the fall cam
paign. Pittsburg Chronicle.
There are few society bellies who have
not record of conquests made with the
assistance of smokeless powder. There
is nothing new under the SUM- Wash
GRgto1a Capital.
The woman who carries her hand.
kerchief in her corsage should remem.
Der the fate OF the man in the fable who
warmed wiper in his bosom Terrt
HGattc EGpreSs.
Jinks-''I was up to my neck in the
sea at Cape May when l proposed to
my WIFE Jacquese-"Ah, indeed. ,
Jinks-'.Yes; and now l am up to my
neck in debt. Light.
Merryman to bud)-''Out for the
winter at last, Miss PoorgirlP" Miss
Poorgirl (neither pretty nor rich)-
"Out for dozen of them, Pm, afraid.
-Phi1adelphia Inquirer.
81 hear you were arrested the other
night for cutting up. Did you make
much noise?n II suppose 1 did. They
say woke up the policeman that ar
rested me. IN Y. Sun.
Parrott-''I see that young Ton
Grafton has got his name into the news
papers, Jawkias-''Good gracious
he's not in politics. What disgracefu
thing has he been doing?" Time.
Watermelon seeds were found in a,
Egyptian tomb that was 3, 900 years old
There was no doubt about their bein:
watermelon seeds, because the mumm,
was all doubled up.-ferds Syt6ngs.
Aplomb: He-sOf course you know
the Epic of Hades'?" She-''I thinl
I've met him, but I'm not sure. On
meets SO many of these queer titlet
people nowadays. Is he cep"-Jasdy
'Ehe increasing popular desire fo
modern conveniences legitimates tn
belief that the court room of the futur
will be supplied with wooden jurymer
built in by the contradictory Washing
ton Post.
Mrs. Maginnis-''J Johnny grows
more like me every day" Mr.. Ma
ginnis-"That's fact. Nurse says he
lost his temper nine times in eleven
minutes yesterday. ."-Phtladetphtd In
Quirer.
The man who likes his own talk best
should be shut up with phonograph;
but such a man is not satisfied unless
other people hear him. That is what
makes him nuisanee.-Net0 Orleans
PicGyune.
''Ah, deah boy, you must be cahful,
don't you know! l am afraid you will
get veal tipsey." ''Why, Hawwy, you
know I never drink anything" No
but you've been mixing youah chewing
gum. ~ Washington Capital.
First Clubman-"Miss Aimhigh is t,
marry Scrooge, whom she just me
last week. Isn't that rushing things
bitPH Second Clubman-"O, no. He
got $3.50, 900 year and can't live an
other month. Philadelphia Inquirer.
Mr.. Fastandloose-" Marriage is
very serious business" Mr.. Candid
Z .'Are you contemplating it?' Mr.. F.
81 am" MIR. C.-'Weli, I should sa
it is mighty serious business for tn
girl, whoever she is.''-Boston Courier
Tramp-'.Win you give me chanc,
to Get warm, sirp" Man of house
Certainly, sir. You know that saw
you? Well, III give you fifteen mir
y. Sun.
Gazzam-'1 have just thought of
strange paradox. 1t is this: Ii a man
left hand is arnputated his right bt
comes his left hand" Snooper 50
too, have thought of paradox.
What is it?" Two physicians. -
n. 7. San.
While everything else has taken
step forward in the last decade, tn
manner of putting up a stove remain
the same. The tools are those use
fifty years ago--an ak. crowbar,
hundred cusswords, and crushed foo
Detroit Free Press.
Mrs. Sadface to Tommy, who ha
stolen jar OF preserves My boy,
know you are sorry. see it in yor
face Tommy meditatively) )-''Ye'
mamma, / am. There was a bigge
jar on the shelf that l couldn't reach.
-PhiJadeipti0 Inquirer.
'Mr. Prettyboy-'' Miriam, If yo
win be mine our bliss will know n
alloy Miriam Smelt (whose father
gold retiner) Mr.. Prettybo,
papa assures me that anything abol
Is carats fine doesn't wear well."-
Jeaoeters' Weekly.
Landlord "Janitor, l hear a bah
crying. l told you to rent no rooms
this ilat TO people with children
.Janitor-.'That 'un was born here.
Landlord Strange! These peop
must have known my rules were il
flexible. Pioneer Press.
Mr.. Ham A. TeWer-ssWhat did yo