Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-10-02
Knights of the Road.

Most all the drummers belong to
everything that is going, from the
"Grand Knights of the Diamond Gar
ter" down to the "Sons Of Intemper-
ance." l am quite hand for all such
mysterious things myself, so l get sol
id with all the boys. My old friend
Crockston called on me the other day
to see if l needed any drugs, and to
have visit. We had a jolly old
time. While we were sitting in the
Office chap came in, and wanted to
borrow so, on account of remittance
not coming to him as he expected. |
told him that my So kept to lend
was in just now, being sent in the day
before by Johnny McIntire, but l new
er lent it except to drummers. He
said, "That's me-" l gave him the
grand hailing sign of an Odd Fellow,
which he tumbled to. Then came
to the great chair in the SCOT" grip of
Pythonic. He tumbled. Then
Crook gave him the G. B. of the Sons
of Malta. He was on to it. Then |
tipped him the hair-poking signal of
a Good Tippler. He smiled, and said
"H. o. This is a chemical term
meaning "waters," Then Crook
struck out his hand and gave him the
noted P. d. Q. sign of a Royal Arch
Brick Mason. He got thar on that.
Then Crookston examined him as fol-
lows, to make sure he was drummer:
"From whence comest thou, pard?"
"From the Lodge of the Holy st.
Johns, Michigan"
"What seek we here to do ?"
"To take few orders and collect a
bill of Billson."
"Then you are drummer ?"
81 am SO taken and accepted by all
the boys"
How may | know you to be
drummer ?"
"By my cheek and my fifty pound
sample case. Try me"
"How will you be tried ?"
"By the square,"
"Why by the squire ?"
Because the squire is magistrate
and an emblem of stupidity"
"Where were you first prepared to
be drummer?"
'In my mind"
"Where next"
"In printing Office, adjoining
regular post of drummers."
"How were you prepared ?"
"By being divested of my last cent,
my cheek rubbed down with brick,
bunion plaster over each eye and
heavy sample case in each hand. In
this fix / was conducted to the door of
the post"
"How do you know it was door,
being blind ?"
"By first stepping in coal scuttle
and afterward humping my head
against the door knob"
How gained you admission p
by benefit of my cheek"
Had you the required cheek ?"
II had not, but Steve Sears had it
for me-"
How were you received p
"On the sharp toe Of boot, applied
to my natural trousers.
"What did this teach you ?"
"Not to fool around too much"
What happened next ?"
IL was set down Oh cake of ice
and asked if | put my trust in mer'
camille reports"
"Your answer p
mot if | know myself, l don't.
How was you next handled p
Il was put straddle of goat made
out of 2x4, and trottcd nine times
around the room by four worthy
brothers, and then trot in front of the
Left Bower for further instructions"
"How did he instruct you ?"
"To approach customer in three
upright regular steps, with my busi-
ness card extended at right angles,
my arms forming a perfect square"
How was you then disposed OFF,
81 was again set OH cake of ice in
front of dry goods box, and made
to take the following horrible and
binding oath:
|, Charles S, Robinson, do hereon
and herein most everlastingly and di
abolically swear, by the Great Bob
Tail Flush, that | will never reveal
and always steal all the trade secrets
can for the use and benefit of this
Most August Order. And further
swear, by the Bald Headed Jack of
Clubs, that will never give, carve,
make, hold, take or cut prices below
regular rate. And | further swear,
by the Pipers that played before Mos
es, to never have any commercial deal
ings with any man or his wife, sister,
grandmother, old maid, aunt, or un-
Gle, unless they, he, or she is sound on
the goose. Binding myself under no
less penalty than to have my grip
slit from top to bottom, my dirty shirt
and socks taken out, and my reputa-
tion removed and buried in the river
at Pearl street bridge, where the Sal