Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1889-02-16
A WoEFuL COMEDY.
The Sad, But True. story OF u bert Bar.
racks, an Artificial Man.

racks, ah Artificial Man.
Robert Barracks was sincere,
though highly artificial, man. That is
to say, he was nothing of a hypocrite,
in spite of the fact that he hal ono
false eye, wooden leg, I'M auburn
wig, an artificial larynx, not to mem
ton five very handsome sots of teeth,
which he wore on different occasions
as the spirit moved him.
The only act of deception of which
Robert Barracks had ever been guilty
was that he had concealed from
the fair Amanda Perkins, with
whom he was deeply in love, the UNI
doubted fact that he had one eye, one
leg, n head of hair. one larynX and no
end of pearly white teeth in the grave,
and that q census OF his original feat
ures would disclose the unhappy truth
that there was hut seven-tenths of his
personality left to declare the passion
he felt for the lovely heiross
Barracks had met Miss Perkins ex-
clusively by moonlight He had court
ed her by moonlight, proposed by
moonlight and had been accepted by
moonlight. The relentless glare of the
sun had never lit coincidently upon tho
form of Robert Barracks and Amanda
Perkins; never had the fond young
couple bathed together in the effulgent
light of single ray. Had it been
otherwise our story would probably
never have been written. Amanda
firmly believed that her Robert was a
perfect specimen of mature manhood,
and Barracks had permitted her to SO
believe rather than confess that Il re-
spectacle minority of his being was
dead and buried.
Alas for trusting woman and deceittul
man, murder will out!
1t happened early in September last
that plrracks had laid in his winter
supply Of legs, eyes, teeth and locks
his trousseau, as he called it in con.
versation with himself-and was fully
prepared for the exigencies of life for
one year to come, at the very least,
and felt ready to call upon the fair OBJ
ject OF his affections and by the soft
light of the llickering logs ask Miss
Perkins to name the day"
Il will drop Annie line, quoth he
land tell her to expect me this evening
+ ut $50"
And he sat down and wrote tC
Amanda to that effect, addressed thu
envelope, sealed it, mailed it and ther
forgot all about any thing in the worlC
| save the stock MAJ ket, among who's,
listed securities wern one or two sever
Y Or eight per cent dividend paying
shares not wholly unknown to Mis-
+. Perkins safe deposit box, ......
AS nine o'clock struck Rober
dressed for his call and precisely Il
$50 O'clock he mounted the steps o
!. the Perkins munsion and rang the bell
+ miss Perkins is not in" said th,
:. answering turnkey, but she requested
4 me to hand you this note. 4"
- Thanks" said Roberts, tearing tn,
4 envelope from the note and reading
D. half aloud aud half to himself as fol
y lows:
October g. 1888.
Rob ri BARRACKS Esq:
DEAR SIR-All is over between us l fin
you are false-falsc TO the world; false TO me
DO not try to see me moro. l can never b
yours AMANDA PERKINS.
p. S-Inclo5ol please nnd proofs OF YOU
lalsencss. A.. p.
With mad sob Robert Barrack
dashed down the steps and rushing u
e his apartment as fast as his artificial
= leg would permit, threw himself upol
1t his folding bed and wept copiously wit
r. his good eye, tearing his blonde wi
70 madly all the while, and uttering tn
8 most piercing shrieks OF which hi
-, false larynX was capable.
Il am lost" he whispered, hoarsely
~ and indeed it was So for before hir
y were the proofs which Amanda ha
S. inclosed in her letter. They were i
Or this form: ...l.
IN NEW YORK. Oct, ], 1888.
n Robert Barracks, Esq.
:" TO Universal Furnishing Co., DR..
m Sept. I. One false leg, mahogany, nickel
-, knee, decorated calf ........... 6
. One gross blue eyes variegated
q pupils, agate finish. .............
n Repairing knee pan on rosewood
limb two new toes and altera-
w tons Of instep.
d Sept. B Three sets pearl.fnish teeth, full
Jeweled.. .......... ...,..........
3, Four heads Of auburn hair.
II ~ Repairs to larynx. .......... -.
W lotdl ...,........'''.'' ..,',... e.
cO Please remit
t" Poor Robert! He had been guilty
that fatal error, that old, old stor,
p that twice, nay, one hundred and twiC
told tale, of mixing up his love Letter