The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1889-05-01

BruOder Gardner:
My name is Pop-Eye, and I lib on de con-
fines OBJ dis city, which has been known for
Ober fifty years by de unsaboury name Of de
Bog. was readin' in de last published re-
port oh de Lime Kiln club dat ole Nat de
Coursey's application for membership was not
receibed, kaSe be was too far along de high
way Oh life. When l read dat report to ole
Nat he just said: oval, Use MORN - and not
eligible, and as de president has asked me to
lecktur on de dark aiges or any udder subject
I'm which | am in de dark | must decline for
obvious reasons. Now, Pop yuse younger
man, Oh brilliant parts, and I'll ham de I'M
dertakiu' ober to you" Now, Brudder Card
ner, wild dis yer interducshon, I'm open for
an engagement 20 lecktur, and if I'm to be
gibben de choice Of subjecys, shall seleckt
political economy or free trade versus per
teckshun, for dat is de subieCk which can
dilate upon wild de most logical perspicuity
and de greatest elokence. l hab a record
down heah by dc sea on dat most ibely sub
jock dat would turn any Tammany hall
touter a libed green wild jealousy
On de great occashun oh de contest oh free
trade versus perteckshun in dis yer colony de
Free Trade club, aware ob the natural aspira-
tions Oh my genius closed agreement wild
me as leadah TO enlist dc support Ob de heelers
Oh de Bog end Oh Ward - at de polls When
de snews Oh war for de campaign was fur
nished ! hired de upper story OLD de ole tan
merry, laid in a hull brewin Oh Brighton amber
ale, five pals Of white eye, five barls con
meal, six bar'ls CLAIMS, half ton speahed eels
and six dozen shared rabbits, and den de-
pended upon my elokence to do de ress.
When de groceries was laid away and a tin
dippah purchased, perceeded TO interest de
cullud citizens in de great questions Oh de day.
De fust man 1 met on de street was Flat and
/ sez: "Heah, you Flat, what you loatin roun'
fori Dey's gOin' to be lection soon, and ives
goin' to support free trade; dat means free
lunch for free weeks Flat. YOU heabe and
toss yo'se'f roun' de highways and byways, de
avenues and main streets ob dis yer Bog and
bring in de free and independent electors into
dis yer tannery, and doan' you forget Ralph
Happy, Dave Frosty and Enterprise Brown,
de most experienced repeaters in de ward.
When dey had assembled dere was no ress
for dat tin dippah till / called de meetin' TO
order by announcin' dat dis was de free
lunch, free sample, and consequently de free
trade party As de leadah oh dis band OBJ
patriots, ask you to lay aside all yoah per
sonaI and domestic affairs for de next free
weeks, aud glib your attenshun to de great
questions Oh de day. When, Brudder Gard
ner, 'pealed i'm de most touchin' and pathetic
terms 20 dat aujenCe and touched de most
tender cord Oh der feelins, ask, was dere
dry froat in dat meetin'' Echo answers, was
derel Den when reached de climacks and
sed, "Sink swim, Ito or die" and soforth
and soforth, dat meetin' was in de most happy
state ob unauimity and fellow feelin' known
in dc annals ob political campaigns In con-
cIusion / sed! "Fellow bog trotters, 1 will
now glib you de interpretashun of do differ
ence tween free trade and perteckshun, and
will do dat by two ilstrashuns which am
de most familiar TO you. De fust am dat
widout free trade dere is no free lunch; con-
sequently, free trade am de cause and free
lunch am de effeckt. De udder illstrashun
am from de barn doah fowl and de incuba-
tor. Free trade is like de hen dat is sOt and
brings out her chickens in de material way;
dey grows up; de flesh am firm and de flavor
sweet when it am cooked. Dem chickens am
bro't up under de maxim dat "MOSes' mudder
am de bes nuss fer Moses. =" Dey goes to de rooSt
and when in de mornin' de owner oh 'em gets
up dey amt dere. 1t am fust-claSs fer de con-
sumner, but ~ am mighty pOah show fer de
producer On de udder ham Perteckshun am
like de incubator. De chickens am forced and
brought out in de wrong time of de yeah, de
flesh am soft and de taste poah when cooked
De business am fust-caSs fer de producer, but
fits n mighty poah show fer de consumer.
De arguments all frew was so conclusive
dat cherry one ob dat patriot band followed
me TO de polls on lection day. But as we wus
about to escercise de privilege of free and in
dependent electors heller from the Pertecll-
shun side asked me a conundrum, "Wedder
is il best to survey do pas or to take a per
specktive view of de matter2n l sez dat de
ponds upon de prospeck. "Well," SEE he, "if
you vote fer our candidate wen set up de
pins fer de next free weeks and frow in a
bar'l Oh picked pigs feet to restore de equili-
brum at de eand ob de show We decided in
dc prospective and rose to de dignity of dis
interested patriots willin' to please de in
terests ob de state above de interests of party
and unloose de grasp Oh dc foreign manufac-
turer from de frOat Oh de country.
Now, Brudder GARNER, I'm willln' to ac-
cept liberal terms to lecktur afore de Lime
Kiln club, wild de proviso dat I'm lowed de
free use OBJ de onion bin in case dere is a re-
lapse oh de chillblains, caused by crossin' de
straits in ole Kullyluyah's ice boat.
PoP-EYE
The communication was referred to the
committee on agriculture, with power to send
tor persons and papers.
NEW BRANCH.
The following was then read:
TERRE HAUTE, IND.
Brother Gardner, President Lime Kiln Club:
We most respectfully petition the illus
tTious, distinguished and honorable supreme
lodge of noble patriarChs over which you
have the exalted honor to preside as a reign
ing prince i'm Paradise hall, and guardian OF
the philosophers and destinies of the American
citizens of African descent, that you grant US
IA charter to locate a branch here, on the /
raging Wabash, so we can be a part and /
parcel of this sublime organization.
Our claim is based on the following facts; /
We are "mascots," possess the cabalistic num-
her of twenty one-aCes same-and have /
that amount of "trade dollars "filled halves |
and punched nickels' in the treasury"
Our characters can be vouched for by thu
circuit judge, prosecuting attorney" mayor |
and the chief of police. We have experts in /
all the sciences, adopts in the games, cham
pion banjo pickers, heel and toe artists, chin .
scrapers, bicycle riders and base balsts. Our |
chief innocent amusement, craps; have good /
hall in Happy Alley" rink in Happy Mol
low" We ourselves are always fup and
happy.
The name we have selected for immortal
ization is: "1he brotherhood of DuSk Sons
of the wash" The committee extend in
vitation 4 Brother Gardner to visit the
"Prairie c. y" and inhict upon US a lecture
on the conuudUum:
"How {. Make a Good Living Without
Hard WC.S." Respectfully, - .
III mus admit dat favor dc tone of dis
replied the president as
the secretary passed it to lin. "BruddeP
Giveadam Jones am now in indianapolis to
establish a branch to be known as "De High
n. l. y l.. l. ~ I L