Morning journal and courier., 1889-08-28

taken i'll, but he still insists that it is sim pie case of tonsilitis, and has not reported it ] to the authorities.
 THE SMELLS OF NEWPORT. Graphically and Accu-
 rately Describes Them - Their Am-
 bitiOns, their Ways and their Merits
 How to be a Swell.
 NEWPORT, Aug. 28.-To be bowling swell with an income of at least two hundred thousand; to have two hundred and fifty thousand dollar cottage on the "Clifs": to have horses and carriages to fill livery sta ble: to own a hundred thousand dollar yacht, and to be on the very tip-top of the 3'swim" with good health and spirits to enjoy it all, must be very fine if no interference be al- lowed with the serious and manly duties of life-that is one side of the picture. To be continually posing for what you know you are not: to be obliged to do what you know you don't want to do, simply be- cause it Is the fashion: to bow down to folks you despise: to devote all your time to petty nothings: to suffer torture because Mrs. A. hasn't asked you to dinner: to suffer still greater torture because Mir. A. is turning out to be bigger swell than you are: to be obliged to exhibit deep interest if Mrs. c. has an ear ache, or her sister-in-law's puppy has gorged itself out of existence: to dress just SO, however uncomfortable and unbe- coming it may be: to dine till midnight: to miss summer mornings; to grow pudgy, lazy and oross-that is the other side of the pic- ture.
 There is probably no other place in the U. s. where so many people are i'll at their ease, for here the social struggle is at it's bitterest. If swelldom were like a diploma, for instance, and could be acquired by certain amount of work and then enjoyed without further both- CT, there might be some sense in going in for it. But there are endless degrees in swell dom. One swell surpasses another in glory. The chief ambition in swelldom is to be more swell than one's neighbor. If swell be not becoming more swell he is becoming less swell. There is no resting on ones oars; the struggle is perpetual. Though on top to-day, If not vigilant and active you may be at the bottom tomorrow.
 I A first class swell has merits. He is al- ways well dressed, therefore pleasing to look at He Is always polite, therefore agreeable to chat with. He doesn't know much, but has commonplace talk for everything. If he choose, he can make you believe that you are \ the one particular object of his affections. He l is always making people believe that they are \ the particular objects of his affections. If worth his while, he will entertain you, and you will be entertained delightfully."-. If not worth his while, he won't see you, though | you be large and portly and directly in the | line of his vision. To see you at all you must ! be dressed in some approach to tho fashion, ' I...l E-- kI1nka IS l agreeable and not in accord with his notions. | The greatest compliment he can pay you is to | invite you to dinner. That puts you on a | swell equality at once; an invitation to Q ball doesn't. But because you have been asked once don't expect that he will ask you again. He certainly won't till he hears that you have been asked by some
 other swell of equal magnitude, or until he | meets you driving with enc of the very tip- toppers. His talk is of the daily doings of the people of his set. He knows little, and ! cares less, about other people unless they be foreigners of distinction. Before title he
 falls prone. If you happen to know any
 item of swelldom he doesn't know, keep 1t to | yourself. Of his set he would rather be in.
 formed by one of it's members. From au
 outsider he doesn't care for news. You are | exposing him to the uncomfortable supposi- ton of ignorance No doings of his set is
 too trivial for his intensest interest. He will
 tell you all about 1t; but you mustn't tell
 him. If tho son of resident swell be
 playing tennis, for instance, play he never SC
 poorly, all the swells will gather about the
 court where he is playing, though at a neigh
 boring court Quincy Shaw of Harvard and ; Rod. Beach of Yale are putting up the very bes, set ever seen in the U. s. If Rod.
 had the physique he would whip the whole
 of them; but to play champion games as they
 are played to-day requires the muscles ane
 the endurance of Sullivan. You must not expect @ swell to take the slightest interest
 in the things which interest you. Don't try to amuse him. Don't discuss anything witt him as you value his acquaintance. Simply
 bask in his presence that Is what he nkel
 the best. A swell never discusses excep l. about dogs, horses, dress, wine and women l and then only with his most intimates. H he belongs and that the other party is com
 posed of cads. That is enough. He is
 good ohurohman and has plenty of vel . l ordered piety. He never gets drunk, ant 1 ! takes the best of care of his precious self f Praise his wine, but sparingly. Never refe ! to bis personal appearance, or to any artiol
 of his dress. Don't tell him that his daugh , knows it. All wives and daughters of swell
 are lovely and charming. Let your worshi be manifest, but manifest it dumbly. Fol s lowing these directions you will get alon t with really good swelIs. Bad swels shoul a be avoided.
 How to become swell is a question tha has never, so far as know, been seriousl f discussed. It is not difficult matter if on v have power of imitation. Pick out tip topper; observe closely all he does, says an
 wears; then go and do likewise. That is th whole of it. Of course you must surrende e a certain amount of individuality, indeper n dence and self respect; but self-eomplaceno 1t is sure to follow success. You will have n obey rules and regulations which at fir
 seem severe and odd. You will have to COL y form to ways and manners which time alor le can harden into habits; but if man will ss the acts of thing he will be sure in time "a be the thing, and the genuine thing to- V .A Money will help; but money is not essentia 'e There are millionaires by the score wi se would give half their possessions to be swel " but who cannot because they have not,
 will not exercise, the proper spirit of su
 mission and imitation; while swelldolA h
 many an impecunious member who has ma Ve tered the secrets of it's power.
 d. Enough of swells. After all, perhaps ' es Now Haveners are happy in being free fro '1 them. had better pack my traps and sts 'i for home before become contaminated.
 FERNANDEZ.