Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-05-04

| You may send it any way you like,
| Except the usual weigh.
-New York Journal
| The hen may be negligent of her duties
during the winter weather, but she gener-
| ally manages to come up to the scratch in
the time of spring gardening.
Sweet Girl-"What did you give NAM
ma for her coldg' Her Lover Ia Young
| physician -"Opium She won't bother
us tonight" -Nep York Weekly.
A new drink called Earthquake CIDER
has been introduced. An old topper who
swallowed four fingers of it as tester says
1t is mo great shakes. "-Norristown Herald
A former Terre Haute shoemaker is run
ming mining camp saloon out in Arizona
He used to sell boots and shoes, now he
sells booz and shoots.-Tere Haute Err
press.
| Tightening the waistband is said to allay
the pangs of hunger, but the tramp who
has succeeded in corralling quarter usu-
ally prefers to get tight all over.-Somer-
u;Ue Journal.
! fodder: 'Papa, will 90 buy Misser
Doody for me?" Papa: "Buy Mr.. Doodle
for your fodder: "Yes, 90 thaid he was
a pup. Fth tired playin' wifi my wool
make-b'lieye pup an wanth live one"
st. Peter kindly =" Enter" Fair
Spirit (hesitating)-"Di Did Mrs. De Fashion
go in here?" "No. She went to the
other place." sob! Beg pardon for
troubling you. Which way is it pm. Y.
Weekly.
Pretty Little Girl ooh, mamma five
young gent'men, and three old gent'men,
and six nice little boys bowed to me to-day.
/ counted 'em." Fond Mamma (ecstatic-
ally)-" She's me over again."-New York
Weekly.
| Physician-"You husband is quite de-
lirious, and seems utterly out of his mind.
Has he recognized any one to-day ?" Wife
-"Oh, yes. He called me a dragon this
morning, and he constantly speaks of the
governess as an angel" Beacon.
Drummer Ito fellow-passenger who has
produced bottle of beer)-" Here, take my
corkscrew." Fellow passenger-"T Thank
you; but how can / reciprocate? This
bottle only holds enough for one" Drum
mer-"All right. Pass it over to me,
then"
Lulu-"Sir Herbert proposed and said
he could put million at my feet. 1
like him, but l like American Jack better,
and as he offered million, too, | accepted
him." Elsie" Idiot, Sir Herbert meant
million pounds, five of our millions !"
Lulu-"Oh! did he? boo hoo"
Ed" Why did you marry Miss Elsie ?"
Al" Because she's no fraud / asked
her at the ball what / should get her from
the supper table" Ed" Well" Al
"And she said, instead of cream and jelly,
Bring me some rare roast beef, little
CHECKED salad and bottle of claret.'"
Mr.. Porcine-" Say, M'randy, who's
this Ignatius Donnelly l hear s'much
about ?" Miranda-"He's a Shakespear-
can scholar, paw. He's going to lecture
here next week on Bacon" Mr.. Porcine
I-"He can't give US Chicagoans any points
of bacon. M'randy, he cyant do itw-1Re
Epoch.
A Band of Hope-Mrs. Bascom-"Have
you got Band of Hope in your town, Mr..
Overalls ?" Mr.. Overalls-"Well, we've
got durn poor brass band, and there don't
seem to be no way of discouragin' it. Ell
that amt a band of hope, then 1 don't
ketch onto your meanin' ."-Bmlington
Free Press.
Cosetta-"O what handsome, elegant
gentleman Rosetta-"Where 2" Cosetta
(pointing)@"There." POSSIBILITIES nv
cousin" Cosetta-"Introduce me, quick,
dear" Rosetta do no good He'll
only, bow. He never speaks to anybody"
lCosetta-"How queer !" Rosetta-"Not
all. He's dumb"
Stranger Is your father in, boy ?"
Boy-"Y es, sir, pas in, but he's very busy
readin' yesterdays Sunday papers"
Stranger" When do you suppose l could
see him ?" Boy obviously =" Well, l
dunno, sir; he's got big job before him,
but if you're around this way Friday after
noon you might try it again"
| Aspiring Author-"I have the Ms of a
play which l would like to submit"
Manager-"Has it good plot% A. A
"Good plot! / should say so. Why
waxing confidentiaD the plot is so intricate
that the audience who sees it once will
have to come every night for week to
find out exactly how things turn out"
Moray We PLACE, Min, Oh kim to
give We warnin' Dim goin' ter lave yer at
tn ind o TIL munt." Mistress Why,
what's amiss, Nora?" Nora" Ye air a
decaving liddy, Min. Oh Civ We dis
tinchtly ter oonderstand Oh nivir wurruked
out save in tn Dist fmilies, an Oh don't
see yer name in TIL Foor- Hoondrid at all,
Min"
Editors Wife Cooking over his paper)-
mercy me. You weren't at the office
yesterday, were your" Editor" Not
much. Why?' Zone of your backbiting
assistants has taken advantage of your alb
'sence 10 call you dog" Eth ?' "Listen
to this: The editor of this paper has
been and will continue to be the watch dog
of the city treasury" "Oh, that's all
right. That's intended as compliment"
Watchdog Compliment! Why, watch
dogs are the commonest kind of brutes. II
he wanted to compliment you, why didn't
he call you an English pug or a Yorkshire
terrier ?"-New York Weekly.
| A newspapergentleman had his hat in
his hand as he entered the office of soap
boiler.
"Get ont of here, you-loafer," roared
the soap boiler, and the newspapergentle-
man knowing that the remark was meant
for him, declined to associate with such a
vulgar person, and left the house.
An axegentleman was engaged in telling
monarch of the forest, when the boss
came along and remarked: "Hurry up, or
I'll help you"
al am gentleman, and you must not
address me in that manner" said the axe
gentleman, firmly.
"All right" said the boss. sect off the
ranch, and PHI hire Chinaman."
A cooklady was reproved by the woman
Of the house for putting too much salt in
the soup.
i "Pm Teddy, Oh am, an 1 don't want
no woman a.prying around my kitchen,
retorted the cooklady. "You get out OF
here, or Pll throw yer in the soup"
"1f you were lady you would not
speak in that way to the person whom you
permit to pay your wsges," said the wo-
man of the house, and as do not seem to
meet with your approval, perhaps you had
better seek out a new paymistress."
A saleslady, waiting on a valuable GUS
toner, was asked in a courteous manner to
} increase the velocity of her movements
and concentrate her attentions on the de-
sires of the customer.
"Pm lady, and don't allow women Ia
talk to me like that" said the indignant
saleslady.
'Quite right" said the valuable customer
"and for fear that may offend you again
l 10 NJ