Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-06-30
FUNNY MEMS FANCIEs.


but If you would see perfect union just observe
the madness Of the small wit he reads, ''De-
clined with thanks.-Puek.
Blinks-"Where are you going on your
vacation, JInks?'' Jinks (whose place has just
been seized by the Sherif)-'Jail, guess. First
vacation I've had in nine years. PhtLddetphtG
Inquirer.
Dude to odoctor-"Anything erious wrong
with me, doctor?'' Doctor, slowly-''Your condl-
tion is serious, but not necessarily fatal. have
discovered evidences of growth Of brains."-
Philadelphia Inquirer.
PERvERsITY.
Some apples, splendid to behold,
Contain bitter spot.
And ice, presumed to keep us cold,
When paid for-makes US hot.
philadelphia Press.
The boozy man in the corner of the crowd
ed car awoke from nap and discovered bulky
lady hanging to a strap and glaring at the row OF
unobservant men intent upon their newspapers.
The boozy mans gallantry asserted ITSELF 'Iu
be one 'venny two Een'l'men in.zish cart get up
an give th' lady Seat IS he said. ''-Ka11sas City
Star.
Commercial Exercise.-Mrs. Plusminus-
What keeps you away from home every Saturday
night, dear2
Mr. PIusminus-I have to balance the books, my
dear.
Mrs. PIusminus with grieved tone)-I am sure,
II you want exercise of that sort we have encyclo.
pedias enough right here at home-B~Thn0t0s
Free Press.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
What wonderful resources hide
All unsuspected in the brain.
Until exhausted art has tried
To work the reminiscent vein;
Then do we see some genius sad
Awaked to the creative mood,
And eleverly forget the bad
And only recollect the good.
-PhiIadetphta Press.
Unprofessional Advice-A Berlin Judge,
the other day, addressing q locksmith who ap-
peared as a witness, spoke as follows: 81 should
have thought you would dssuade your workmen
from going to law for such q trihe.'
Witness-That's what 1 didi L said: "Chil-
dren," said /, ''the clerk at the lawyers will
take your coat, and the lawyer will strip of your
shirt, and as for the Judge, why, man. he'll skin
you aliveI'' You see. l talked sensibly to the
folks like that, but it was all Of no usei-zs0est
The Price OF Royalty.-sfrs. 5rnith-Yes,
INV daughter Lucy married q blacksmith, and
they have . nice home and are getting along
nicely. Mary married a butcher, and Is very COM
fortably provided for. Jennie married section
hand. and they are happily situated.
Mrs. Jones-And your daughter Gladyss
Mrs. smith-Alasl she married foreign no ble-
man. send her q per week and some discarded
dresses, and by taking in washing she manages TO
support the family. Omaha World
He Bought Them Himself-Wife (sar-
casticaliy]-John. that's big trunk 1 saw tha
men put into the baggage just as we started
suppose It has your bathing outfit in It, and you
want to show your cigar-smoking beer-drinklng
friends how large IL is compared with tne little
handbag that has my bathing suit Inat's an
old joke, John, and you ought to Dc ashamed
of it.
Husband--That handbag. Maria, has my bath-
ing outfit In that big trunk you VIII ind two
new bathing suits for yourself that just about I'LL
1t. bought them myself and Len the ones you
selected at home, Help here, quick, somebody's
She's faInted.- Chicago Tribwue.