The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-09-18
TWAIN'S FUNNY REPORT.
How Stupid Crmpnsit"r Kindly Spoiled
One of the HumOrist's Best Efforts.

TWAIN'S FUNNY REPORT.
How Stupid Composition Kindly Spoiled
One of the Humorist's Best Efforts.
No" said Mark Twain week or
two ago as he sat in his room at the
Murray Hill Hotel and dreamily watch
ed the smoke from the pipe which he
was smoking. mo; | would not say
that it was the best thing that | ever
wrote, but [ remember that | was
pretty proud of it at the time and was
decidedly disappointed when it didn't
come out the next day. l didn't know
until you told me that the story had
ever reached this part of the country.
But you haven't got it just right; it
wasn't the foreman at all; it was a
fool of compositor who ruined the
story. Poor devil! l suppose he is
dead now, and it doesn't much matter
what we may say about his stupidity.
But he was certainly an awful fool.
You have one part of it right"
continued the humorist sit happen
ed when l was reporter on the Viz
ginia City Enterprise. was assigned
to report dinner given by party of
some of the most notorious hard drink
ers in the town, and Virginia City was
not supporting many temperance peo-
pie at that time. Everybody knew
that the dinner was going to resolve
itself into a glorious drunk, and the
result proved that everybody was
right OF course l didn't want to be
too hard on the boys in reporting their
dinner, and yet. AS II truthful reporter
| had TO give the public to understand
Just what had taken place there, In
happy moment | conceived the idea of
conveying this information i'll Il deli
cate way without really saying all
hands were.urunk. My plan was TO
begin my report i'll the regular cut and
dried way. After giving a few sem
tences in this way l grew little more
careless in my style. Gradually 1 be-
came more and more mixed up in my
language until at last the words were
written without any real or apparent
connection with each other. L tried
my best to give the reader the idea
that as | wrote the report l became
more and more intoxicated, until l
wound up in Il stupidity drunk condl-
Gition. [ was greatly interested In
carrying out this plan as NATURAL Y as
l could, and when after an hours hard
work the report was finished | felt
that had written the very funniest
thing that ever appeared in that
paper. The copy went out without
being read, and the first part OF 1t was
set up Just as had written it.
.'Ihe fool >composltor got hold OF the
last part, and, of course, couldnt tlnake
| head or tail out of it., Instead of set
| ting it up rs he found it and leaving
the rest to the proof-reader or editor,
he made up his mind that | had really
been drunk when | wrote it. He was
a kind-hearted man and he never liked
to see one of the bows in trouble. so
lie calmly proceeded to change my
copy and put in little connecting
words 50 as to make sense of it. 1t
was all done with the kindest inten-
tions in the world He didn't want TO
see me discharged for being drunk.
Then he destroyed my copy so that it
couldn't be brought in evidence of my
damaging guilt.
81 wouldn't care to say how fear
fully disappointed | was when | pick
ed up the Enterprise the next day and
looked for my funny report. 1t was
as coldly stupid as 10-year-old patent
office report. | wept scalding tears
and left the office. On the street, met
the compositor who had taken such
pains to fix my story for me. lie
looked so happy when he told me how
he had been the means of keeping NE
out of trouble with the manager of the
paper that L hadn't the heart to tell
him what fool he actually was
was sorry afterwards that didn't do
50, however, for / discovered that fot
wears he told thesStory OF how he hau
saved me from disgrace in half OF the
newspaper offices west Of t"e Missls,
sippi river. He was an Old man, and
so j think he must be dead by this
time Ii he isn't he is probably telling
his version of the story yet.
ChemiCdi Sugar.
IT. is generally known that chemist
) can produce in their laboratory froI
raUs a substance very similar to ST
\ oar and having the same sWeetin
! 1rouerty. The Germans are, how
ever. hard at work trying to produc
.rtificiaI supar on large scale. an
although its production for practIc;
,uruoses has not vet been realize
considerable advance has been mad
IL
cessful results.
Herr Emil Fischer has succeeded
obtaininy a true sugar, which is ci
pabIe of undergoing alcoholic terme
tation by means of yeast, just like o
dinarv sugar. There is only one thlr
wanting'In this new chemical sug;
which causes it to differ from natur
! suGar. and thai is that it is optical
inactive it will not rotate a beam
polarized light either to the right
LETT. They call this new sus
".acr0se.
Glvcerine. that sheet anchor OF
many recent Investigations, is
starting point in the preparation,
aerose, which must not be contound
with ..saccharine,f which is not
gar and can never take it's place as
article of diet. The discoveries
acrose are sanguine of making a p
feet sugar at no distant day, and til
works. watched with interest by
scientific as well as the indastl
world