Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-04-26
HUMOR's AIRY BUBBLES.
BAeHELoR d hearts-Cupid.

BACHELOR Of hearts, Cupid
GIVEN to drink-water. You have 10
pay for everything else.
THE carpenter is not necessarily
bankrupt when his stock goes under
the hammer.
TIE person who sent a letter to
the city of Sarah Kuse" had a bad
spell on him.
JUDGNG from It's name the new
cruiser Chicago ought to outfoot any
vessel in the navy.
CUSTOMER Gin bank)-Is the cashier
out? Clerk-NO, sir. He won't be out
for about nine years.
Miss LovELORN- Would you believe
De Garry made me blush last night?
Miss Caustic-No; I wouldn't.
A NAN is disposed to regard marriage
as failure when his wife goes on q
visit to her mother and leaves him to
take care Of a six-months-Old baby.
SHE was modest and timid girl,
Retiring, weak and shy;
But she knewLow to talk tin your hair would
On the whenoeness of the Why.
CHOLLY GocularIyl- Take that pen
Gil out of your mouth. Biliy-Sav.
mister, who owns this mouth Chollv
"A syndicate, probably, Judging from
its size.
Mr.. BOND Have you attended die
Walkure, Madam? Mrs. Stock (super-
cihOusly)-C Certainly not; I don't feel
the slightest interest in these pedes-
trian matches.
HANNAH MORE, it is related by ira.
ditiOn, "never was kissed IN her life.
Is it possible that this betrays the
origin of the slang phrase, 'That's
what's the matter with Hannah 2"
LITTLE boy-Do hotel clerks get big
salaries? Kentucky uncle-Not often.
"Then how can they afford such bic
diamonds ?" "Weu, you re, they don't
have to pay anything for their Ticker. "
Mr.. LUSH made a wager last
night and lost. I bet / could swallow
tumbler Of brandy and hold my breath
for ten seconds. Merritt should
have known you couldn't hold anything
as strong as that.
HATTERs assert that the average
American head is considerably smaller
than it was fifty years ago. This Is
strange, considering that the average
American head is often SO much larger
to-day than it was last night.
TIME, patience, contact, American
clothes, hnecut chewing tobacco, and
cigarettes are gradually but s rely
working q change in Chinaman &, i'm,
and the day may come when he can
drop on a street-car and light on his
ear with the best of US.
Rev. r. HEBER NEWTON thinks the
world wants a new religion If he re-
fers to a brand of theology that viii
permit young man to attend a church
fair without being seduced into paying
S. for a 10-cent pin-cushion he viii find
many persons to agree with him in his
belief,
A GENTLEMAN addressing the scholars
of large school observed among the
decorations about the room an Ameri-
can flag, and said: Children, can any
of you tell me why that flag was ung
there ?" "To hide the dirt, " quick re-
sponded one sharp boy who had assisted
in making the preparations for the oc-
casien.
A BUFFALO man recently counted the
motions made by a BARRIERS hand dur
ing the process of shaving one man
and found them to be 678. Add to this
the motions made by the BARRIERS
! mouth the while and the result is q
! maYelous sample Of what may be got
! for 10 or Is cents.
"YoU used to think a little more of
! me and not quite so much of yourself
in the days when you were counting
/ me, exclaimed Mrs. Brown, bearf .ly,
! during the course of little COM gal
| conflict "YOu never said a truer thing
! than that, replied the brute. II forgot
myself entirely at that time or I never
would have proposed.
YOUNG actress (seized with stage
fright)-O! o! Pm afraid TO go on.
Manager reassuringly) 20, pitch right
| in; don't bother about the audience.
| No one will see you. They won't 3"
"No; there is a large and fashionable
/ theater party having a good time in one
/ of the boxes, and they viii monopolize
/ attention this evening"
In contradiction of the statement Of
| POlonius that "the apparel oft pro-
! claims the man." an exchange saws
apparel is nothing. To our mind there
is a great deal In it. 1t is impOs-
| sibIe for bandy-Iegged man to
look grave and dignifed whose boot
heels are worn down on the outside to
an angle of forty-fiye degrees.
CIVILIAN What do you think of the
! dynamite cruiser, the Yesuyius? Naval
I officer dubiousIy)-Well, she's q pretty
fair sort of a vessel. Civilian (testiIyl
Why, what's the matter with her2
/ Naval officer The cruiser is swift
enough and all that sort Of thing. but
/ I give you my word as a gentleman that
! her dancing accommodations are
simply wretcheds shamefuIIy made
Euate.
WIND INSTEAD OF PAY.
There used to be q pSeachers
| Weary worn. and OLD
/ OF whom O little story
With q teu-tou morals told.
This preacher tried his level best