Daily Yellowstone journal., 1889-11-23
TRIALS ADAM ESCAPED.
His Daily Life Wa Not Beset by the Things
That Drive the Modern Man wild.

That Drive the Modern Man Wild.
No doubt il was a severe affection TO
old Grandfather Adam TO be turned
out Of Paradise, though there are two
sides to every question, and perhaps
he was not wholly wretched over II
We are not going to argue the point
at present
What w2 want 10 get Gt Is The lncl
that, though Adam lived 50 tong ago
when tic world vas young, he &
capped n great many troubles and TRIALS
which bgset the modern man,
he had never 20 wrcstle with "A sci
of false teeth which did not tit, and
would not fit and which felt, in spite
of the smiliGgdentist's assurance ''thut
they looked perfectly natural, sir y
more aud more like Il bureau in his
mouth every day.
lie did not have any pretty girl
neighbor, younggrand more blOomin;
than Mrs. Eve. who made him wish,
whenever he looked at her. hat he
had waited a little longer before set.
Ting for life.
Nobody asked him 10 subscribe fora
encyclopedia.
Nobody asked him TO give a hundred
dollars 10 the minister,
No friend wanted his name on a lit
tie bill, just for thirty days, as a mere
form, you know.
Nobody wanted TO insure his life or
sell him a sewing machine, or a new
kind Of soap, or a patent churn, or a
liver pad, or a new tangled apple
parer, or prize package Of stationery.
Nobody wanted 10 put lightning
rods on his house. Chrome peddlers
had not then begun their travels. Or
gan grinders did not pursue him with
their hats held out. Bills for French
millinery and "sundrics' never cloud
ell his brow.
He had never hankered after q 2:20
horse. He had no ambition 10 mount
a bicycle. lie never had 10 fight po-
tato bugs. We may safely conclude
that he did not take pills, OF b%itters, or
restorativcs warranted TO cure all dis
eases under the sun in one month, or
money refunded.
He was never mashed TO a Jelly in a
crowded horse cGr; never blown up in
a steamboat whore the life preservers
were put away 50 safely that nobody
could find Item. lie VAS
pruned of mo of his arms and legs,
and scalded to death besides. in a rail
way collision. where nobody was to
blame, and Il = company was not GEN.
sured.
Henever Lad TO ask anybody what
this celebration at Yorktown was for"
As he YVES born grown up, we may
conclude Tat he never had 10 contend
with teetuing, or nursing bottles
soureG, or the mumpS. or the measles,
or the whOoping cough. or the rash,
and, as lie had no mother, Of course
he Vas never properly spanked, which
may account tor the misstePs he made
in his career.
His heart was never torn by the
pangs Of Jealousy. He never had to
stand by and Eeepcool, while Miss Eve
walked OF with the ''otlcr fellow"
for the simple reason that the other
fellow was not there 10 walk off with.
He had not been born Just then.
Adam, in all probability, never wore
a stiff stand up collar, or a pair of
pants in which he dared not sit down.
He never ate ole~omargarine, under
the fond deiusion hat il WAS butter.
He never attended any lectures on
health, to learn that all food was poi
son, and that nothing was Wholesome
for man to eat. He did not know
what the modern man knows, that 20
be healthy we must starve, freeze
and eschew all things called happi-
ness, and take cold-water baths and
gymnastics and dandelion tea daily.
He nevcf got divorced. He never
committed q murder when he was in
sane. He never robbed a bank. He
never ran away with another mans
wife. He was a brave old fellow, and
took great care OF his farm, and he
lived TO be $50 years old, and died
without knowing the multitude of
troubles Lie had escaped by having
been in existence at such an early
stage OF the worlds history .-Somer
vile journal.