The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1889-04-18

leCLOI u Ou5bOuS anu Tie -lAtAA S-lch4
are bean eaters.
Jinks Well, amt they
Mr.. C.-Ain't they Young man,
a fellow that starts out TO make
points on other people on account Of
their nationality who don't know
anything more about the facts than
you do deserves to have his life IN
sured IN the BuncOme Insurance 70.
l can't wish you any worse fate.
Why, man Austin was a whaling
captain around these waters IN 1913,
and then afterwards he was a patent
lawyer in New York, and never was
in New England in his life except
on a visit, and the Auditor General
is a Kanuck-a regular down east
blue nose from the Bay of Fundy;
and Wundenberg, he looks like a
New England parsOn, and has
sanctimOniOus manner about hum,
but, bless you, he was born on Kauai.
His mother was British and his
father was first cousin to Bismarck,
and when Bismarck gets through
gobbling up Samoa you'll see him
come Waiting into the harbOr here
and setting up Fred as Emperor of
the Pacific for all | know. And then
there's the Marshal-he's q Johnny
Bull, and his clerk Sam Graham is
another Kanuck from away back;
and the COliectOr-General-he's a
Yank with a vengeance. Great Scott,
Cleghorn a Bostoner Good honest
Scotch oatmeal nourished his vitals
when he was squalling infant. He
a bean eater That's the best yet.
And then there's Preston and Bick-
erton in the Supreme Court, and
Captain Mist in the Foreign Office,
and Robertson In the Finance Office,
and Scrimgeour and WOdehOuse in
the Post Office, and Jim Smith in
the Education Office, and Charlie
Creighton in the Marshal's Office,
and Tom Thrum and Malcolm Brown
in the Registry Office, and Johnny
Rothwell in the Interior Office,
Britishers, sir, 'blarsted Britishers"
every one of them; and there's
Lucas IN the water Office-he's des-
cended from an Irish King, and
Sam. ChiIlingworth the new Deputy
Sheriff of Maui and Langly in the
Custom House, they are both Tip
perary Fenians; and Charlie Wilson
his grandfather was an English
missionary down in Tahiti, and
Pierre Jones in the Education Office
hes a Erenchman; and Atkinson,
the Inspector General of Schools
he's English from the word go; and
so is Macintosh, the Principal of the
Royal School; and Police Captain
Larsen, he's from Copenhagen, of
good old Danish pirate stock. Why,
man, the Americans have put three
fOurths of the capital and nlne- tenths
of the brains into this country, sir,
and yet when it came to dividing up
the offices the Britishers made such
a scramble for office that the United
Statsers couldn't see the offices for
the dust, and when the thing had
kind of settled down, the American
office-holders were scarcer than hens
teeth, and now you and the Bulletin
and few more scabby citizens are
raising a howl because the American
citizens have got anything to say at
all. I'm an American citizen, right
from the top of Bunker Hill mOnu-
ment, sir! And I'd have you to under
stand that, by Jimmie Blaine and
the great American Eagle, l think
it's about time Americans and the
United States began to take hold
and look out for their interests; and
any man who has the face to come
in here and tell me that this govern
ment has been captured by the
Americans and that they are run
ming it for their own benefit to the
exclusion of other natlOnalities, in
spite of the facts which are standing
out as plain as the nose on your face,
then l say that man has got such a
supernatural development of gall
that his hide isn't big enough to hold
either digestion or brains, and he
isn't safe insurance risk, SO you
can just pick yourself up and dust
out of here double quick!
Bumps had already got outside Of
the door when war was first declared,
and Jinks now slowly tottered out,
looking as though the street roller
had run over him. As he reached
the sidewalk Bumps smiEngly greet
ed him and said, Hurry up, Jinks,
let's 90 around and see about those
offices, or we may be too late. "
Casting a look of unutterable re-
proach on his friend, Jinks husklly
whispered: Get me a 'spress-take
me home-ice on my head-Bis-
marck's cousin-Bunker Hill-bean
eater! Oh -h-h-hw and with a long
futtering sigh like the rustic of a
weary cockr0ach folding its tired
wings, Jinks sank to the pavement
in dead faint.
Thus endeth the Calathumpian
fiction.