davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
BUDGET OF FUN,
SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
tho Commercial TrGyolcr-A Neigh
borScnt Him-Clcnncu tho Chick
On With Soap-His Favorito
Speech Is "Eello," Etc.
MS langungo is nrtless anal FREQ.

Ills language is artiess and FREQ,
And his fund OF good jokes is immense
Lis hundshako is hearty and warm,
And his mnnncrs polite to intense.
His clothes,fit him snugly and trim,
His nccktie way up IN tho style,
His hat is tho latest thing out,
And his face wears n genial smile.
He has the time tables by heart,
Ho Is ''chummy" at ali tho hotels;
Ito calls his trade by their first name,
And leaves copies of all goods he sells
His trunk is just packed with "big jobs"
He throws out his pet little "baits;"
Hos determined to sell his NOW man,
So hos offered him all sorts of dates"
Tho trade never want any goods.
Ho'saccustomcd to Sights and rebuff
But got u man started and then
lie can scarce wait II day for his 'stuir."
Oh, jolly bright follow is he,
This tourist of commences and trade,
Don't call him "srunmcr,n forsooth
Hc'sa full band completes on parade
philadelphia North american.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
4 SUDDEN rAII. IN vALuE.

Strangcr-"lIavc you any choice lots
on handW
Landowncr-"Yes, sir; yes, sir, some
thing fine! The incest lots that over laid
outdoors! There are two; NIL improve
mcnts, convenient to ears, clear title, etc.
They arc choice, but will make them
fifteen hundred for cash."
Stmngcr--"Wcll, Pm not buying; I'm
making asscssmcnts-did you say fifteen
hundred each for these lots?"
Landowner (hastily)-"No, oh, no, FOR
the twom
Strangcr-"Any more choice lotsl"
Landowncr-"rhat's all; just about
sold out. "-Epoch.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
Great Britnin's Largest Tree.

Great Britain's largest tree is the Cow
thorpe oak, in Yorkshire, believed to be
some 1900 years old. In the seventeenth
century, before some of its projections
were covered by heaping up of the
Garth, twas scventy-eight feet in circum-
ference at the ground, and its branches
overshadowed half an acre. 1t is now a
ruin, with q hollow in its trunk in which
at least forty people may STANDARDIZATION
IN. ~ American.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
rATEH let rILlus.

Vcrisopht, Sr.-"lt pains me to know
l have IL son who is treated with dcrision
by his comrades"
Vcrisopht, Jr.-"Aw! I-awl beg
pavilion, Paw; but | aw! don't undaw-
stand yaw."
Vcrisopht, Sr.-"l presume not. can
well believe u man who murders English
ms you do cannot understand il when il is
spoken properly; but perhaps you may
comprehend the meaning of this paper |
found pinned to your coat when your
registering companions placed you on the
front steps this morning."
Verisopht, Jr.-"Aw! indeed Aw!
will yaw pleasc-aw wead it taw inch?
law! left NAV monoclc awp sta-aws,
yaw knaw."
Vcrisopht, Sr.-
Here Hes II thing without brain,
a form To hang some clothes on;
lps head well soaked, but not with rain,
SO gently turn tho hose on"
Life
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
AGRICULTURAL.
TOPICS OF INTEREST RELATIVE
TO FARM AND GARDEN.
CARRIAGES THAI DO NOT HEAD.

The defective cabbsges in the fall are
those that have been checked in growth
during summer. To head properly a
cabbage should grow without ceasing
after it has recovered from the shock of
transplanting. The shock is perhaps
useful, as it supplies the plant with new
set OF roots. If II dry time comes on,
water literally with water in which COM
mercial fertilizers have been dissolved.
No crop grown will prove better for this
labor than cabbage. 1t may make the
difference between cabbage head and a
mess of unstable leaves.-Hostom Guilt
Gator.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27

expense account" said tho head of the
house, pcering over his glasses Mt his
travelling salesman, "and there is one
item here do not understand. 1t is mu-
cilage $11S. What does this meant"
cit MEANS" said the salesman, who
had had good weeks business, and was
correspondingly reckless, ait means that
is Whore you get stuck. ~ cc&'s Sup.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
rInunEs Lis snMrrlMrs,

Bohby-"papa, how many feet arc
there in one yard'"
Papa-"A linear yard contains three,
u square yard nine, and cubic yard
twenty-scven square feet"
Bobby-"Can't there be more than
twenty-scvcn feet in any yard"
Papa-"No."
Bobby-"rhat's where you're Off. Our
barnyar'i has got ten COWS in it, and each
COW Inns got four feet, which makes forty
feet. Bnghamton R,pntiican.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
A GREAT TRAVELLER.

Mr.. Plaintalk-"Havc you Travelled
much, Miss Elderly"
Miss Elderly-''Indecd have. Every
summer since my sixteenth year dear papa
has taken me off for a trip abroad."
els that so? Well, l don't suppose
that there isnny country that you have not
visited. "-SitIiags.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
A coRREcrEp SENTENCE.

Johnnie, is it proper to say
Peaches is better than watcrmclons!'
Johnnie (who evidently has his likes
md dislillcs)--'No,m a'am."
Tcacher-"Well, you may correct the
sentence"
Johnnic-t'Wntcrmclons is better than
beaches. "-Juage.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
SHE WOULD DE AN AUNT TO HIM.

Edith-"No, Herbert, can never be
your wife, but l will bel
"EIerbert--"Don't say sister to me.
So many girls have said that"
Edith-"I wasn't going to say that. I
was going to say that shall be delighted
to be your aunt. accepted your Uncle
George last night. Once Week.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
A Big front Farm.

Pennsylvania has big trout farm near
Emans station, on the East Pennsylvania
Railroad. There are eight ponds at the
farm, (which number by actual count
"a, 700 brook trout and $500 California
trout from one to four years of age"
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
JolINNIn SUGGESTS A rorIc.

Little Johnnie approached his mother
as she was laying away Il pan of fresh
laid doughnuts.
"Nlothcr, say, mothcrw
"What is it, my SOM"
"Why don't you talk some, mothcr?"
"Whnt do you want me to say, John
nic2"
'Wcll, you might say: Johnnie, don't
you want doughnut!' Philadelphia
Press.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
cIyILIrIEs pErwEEN DEAR rR1ENps.

Miss Clearinghouse dining with her
friend, sweetly)-"What perfectly lovely
coffee you make, Laura! 1 don't think
[ ever tasted any that was just-just cx-
actly like it, you know"
Miss Kajones (still more sweetly)-sI
always use genuine coffee. So glad you
like it, Irene, dearl"- Chicago Tribune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
DREAKrSG OFF GRADUALLY.

Father-"Eleanor, now that you have
given up young Hopkins, wish he would
stop coming to the house."
Daughter-"Hc's been here only seven
times this week, pa"
Father-"Only seven timcs2 How
many times do you want him to Gomez"
Daughter-"Don't be harsh, father.
George is trying to break of gradually"
Epoch.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27

Hotel ClerlS-''Do you wish to walk
to the railroad station, or shall | call Il
hacka IL is only II block distant"
Fat Man-"Gct me II carriage. If
Providence had intended mo to walk |
would have been provided with more
cgs."-SiJIings.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
A DESERVED FATE.

Editor-"I'm sorry, squaggs, but
you'll have to 60"
Forcman-"Td like to know what I've
DONE"
Editor-"Well wrote about that gal
liant old war horse Colonel Billinger, and
you set it up that gallous old saw horse.
It's your place or my life, and want TO
live. "--HqTper's Bazaar.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
THE opIATEs WERE FOR HER.

Mrs. Gabb-"What is the matter with
my husband2"
Doctor-"Nothing, except that he
needs change. / prescribe opiatcs and
rest"
Mrs. Gabb-" SHALL give him the OPT
ates at oncc2"
Doctor-"Oh, the opiatcs are not for
him; they arc for you."- Oncea Week.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
WOULDN'T SUIT TIE runSIrunE.

Doctor-''No wonder you are sick.
open the blinds and let the sunshine into
your room"
Fair Patient" SIercyl 1t wouldn't
harmonizc with this expensive furniture.
Sunshine is disgustingly cheap. "-No,o
York. Weekly.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
A NEIcllnon SENT INN.

Hc-"I'm the piano tuner, num-"
She-''I haven't sent for my piano
tuner"
Hc-''Ycs mum, know mum; il were
The gentleman next door sent me here,
mum. "-SJfiags.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
TIIla pOcroMs AGnEEp.

Skeptic-"Did you ever know two doc
'ors to ngrec2n
Medical Student (aftcr rcncctioD-
Yves; once"
"Whcrc was it?"
cat post mortcm. - Mc,o York. JVccI
d,
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE.

1Ic-"Will you marry mc2"
She (coldly)-"No; nor won't be II
lister either. You're too young"
Hc-"Will you he II grandmother to
Vie, then?"-7ri6unC.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
DIRECTIONS FOR CHEESE MANUFACTURE.

DinEorioNs FOX CHEESE MANUFACTURE.
The materials employed in making
cheese arc milk and rennct. The milk
may be of any kind from the very poorest
to that which is rich in cream. The
former will make very mean cheese, the
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27

Ills FAMOUS SPEECH is "nELLo," ETC.
Crimsonbcak-"You remember our
old friend, Bcll?"
Ycast-"Ccrtainly."
Gle has developed into public
pcakcr."
"You don't say?"
eyes; he's clerk in telephone
office. "-Statcsmaa.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27
CLEANED THE CHICKEN WITH SOAP.

Mistress (cntcring the kitchcn)-
"Bridgct, have you cleaned the chicken
yct?"
New Cook with an injured air.
"As well ms | could, mum, with nothing
but yellow soap to elaine it WITH
Chicago Tribune.
Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1889-09-27

WHAT THE MucILAaE WAS For.
"SIr. Afiible 1 have looked over your
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
THE DAY WILL COME.

SIT is plain as the MONDAY sun, that
without constitutional morality every
pretense of patriotism must be false and
counterfeit. The man who says he loves
his country, and yet strikes fatal blow at
the organic law on which her life depends,
shows his sincerity as NERO proved his
flial affection when he killed his mother
and mutilated her body"
So said the late Judge JEREMIAH S.
BLACK to the judiciary committee of the
House Of Representatives in February,
1885, The language occurs in his great
argument in favor of the rights Of local
self-government for the territories. 1t was
a mastery presentation, and that it has
been violently disregarded can be accounted
for only on the theory that mems preju-
dices overcome and destroy their judgment
and reason, and their sense of judgment is
nullified by their hates. How much of local
self-government have we left here in Utah.
Little indeed, and what remains will be
taken away if some of the men who
pirate about their patriotism can have
their way. The governor is sent to US
to execute the laws, and no citizen
of the territory has any voice in his selec-
ton Indeed, if the majority of the people
were to unite in petition that certain
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27

man should be placed in the chief execu-
tive Office the fact would furnish suff-
Gent excuse to the appointing power to
designate another person and one who was
unlike as could be the man recommended.
AS a rule the governors are selected on &C
count of their known enmity to the people
they are to govern.
The people are permitted to exercise no
influence in the selection of the judges who
interpret the law, and the circumstance
that Judge is disposed to be fair and just
in his application of the statutes towards
the majority class Is regarded as sufficient
cause for his removal. He is expected to
show his enmity on all occasions, and If he
can distort the law to make it oppressive
on those it was framed to protect in their
personal and property rights heis expected
to do so.
Even the probate Judges are now ap-
pointed against the protest of the people
and from the minority class, and these Off
Gals select one-half the grand and petit
jurors, the other half being named by the
district court clerk VINO acts under the di-
rection of the judge. All jurors being taken
from one political party and that party's
platform being violent and unreasonable
opposition, in season and out of season, to
the masses OF the community trial by a
Jury of their peers is unknown to the peo-
pie of Utah.
There are few offices to which the peo-
pie elect, and now it is proposed that these
shall be filed otherwise than by the popu
60
tary of the interior in his annual report
that ''some federal agency should be au-
thorized to appoint the following county
officers: Selectmeu, clerks, recorders,
superintendent of district schools and
assessors
This recommendation is followed by the
introduction into the Senate by Senator,
PADDOCK of bill in harmony with Gov
ernor THOMAS suggestion, the federal
agency" to be authorized to appoint these
officers being the governor himself.
In truth, there is very little of local self
government left in Utah, not even the sem
blance of the thing remaining as to ad-
ministration in important or material mat
tiers, and this condition of things has been
brought about by those patriots who are
so plainly described by Judge BLACK in the
words quoted above.
But we are not discouraged, nor are the
people of this fair land by any means dis
heartened. Their faith and confidence in
the final triumph Of justice are firm and
mistaken. They know that in the end
right will prevail. Some day the Anne
can people will awaken to the great wrongs
inflicted upon Utah, and then there will
occur mighty undoing of evil, glorious
rectifcatlon and recompense. We can all
afford to wait, and afford it much better
than can those who have caused these long
years of suffering and abuse, who are re-
sponsible for the temporary suppression of
constitutional liberty aud the denial Of the
great American principle of self-goyern-
ment.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
An Antnmn LII

Yestereven, as the. twilight shadows
were gathering, I at5a-near the window
with my head upon my hand, thinking
those thoughts that ever and anon wan
der through great minds. was full of
sorrow for the falling leaves, and sad
was because, though many were the
flirtations of summer, there was not one
girl whom / could call my own. On a
sudden my thoughts were distracted by a
fly upon the pane. the last fly Of summer
left buzzing alone.
determined to possess the rare bird,
and, making wise of my first finger
and thumb, / began a gentle siege upon
him. Slowly, slowly proceeded, but
somehow, whenever bounced upon him,
he was somewhere else. drew hack,
and felt my blood boil at being thwarted
by such little thing. Just an ordinary
specimen of the musca domestica. Oh,
for the chance to throw his name at hint
1 sighed, and with teeth set l renewed
my attempt at imprisoning the monster.
1 now used both hands, but, try as 1
would, the insect was beyond my clutch.
Up and down, to the right and to the
left, movement sudden or long studied,
he escaped me.
How frail is all human strength and
power! To be thus baffled by fly! To
gain the object of my desire was pre-
pared to do anything. 1 may say here
that 1 am trihe near sighted. 1t was
growing dark, and looking closer, de-
cided that was blank blank fool. The
fly was on the other side Of the pane. =
Munsey's Weekly.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27

AN EASTERN paper has it that las long
ago as December, 1862, JEFFERSON DAVIS
issued a proclamation declaring General
BEN BUTLER an outlaw and directing that
he be killed whenever caught. But General
BEN still survives to take note of the
funeral of the man who thus arranged for
his speedy taking off" Is not this more
nearly an evidence of the fact that GER
tain gentleman who need not be mentioned
takes care of his own, than otherwise
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27

Her Father Was a Judge.
He-What makes you so quietH My
other girls have sill been full of fun.
She with dignity would have you
understand, sir, that this is civil COURT
Lowell Citizen.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27

A Performances by Special Request.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27

THE WooNsoCKET Or. L. Reporter offers
purse of 500, 900 for SULLIVAN and JACK
son to fight for. but it makes the express
reservation that the offer does not hold
good if either of the principals survives the
encounter. There is something very
thoughtful and to the average civilized
mind quite appropriate in this.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
Awakened Painful Reflections.

Small Boy Cooking at displayed adver.
tisemenO Papa, what are all these
things?
Papa Gate candidate for oficeIPic-
lures of household implements, my son.
"What is this one?'' il ..-........ IS
THAT is L potato masher."
"What is this one, papa?'
THAT is = griddle."
"And what is this other one, papaY'
at is a tureen, Willie"
"What is a tureen, papa% ...-
Brokenlyl-"A tureen, my son, isis
ais dish for holding-for holding
run out and play, Willie" Chicago
Tribune.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
What the Editor Said.

He was tall, thin and hungry looking,
and when he told the editor he was a
poet, the editor didn't say a disputatory
word. But he didn't get his poetry in
the paper just the same, and the man
with the blue pencil and the preoccupied
air made several remarks
poets are born, sir.'' he said haughtily,
as he rolled up his manuscript.
And I'm doggoned sorry for it, said
the editor. Merchant Traveller.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
COLONIZATION.

NEFH1, October IS, 1889.
o. ". POlOers, Esq,
DEAR SIR:-The bearer of this wants to
vote, look after job for him.
JOHN WITBECK.
Tony, Levan, Juab CO., Utah.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
GOVERNOR THOMAS POSITION.

,"Sone Federal agency should be author
lied to appoint the following county Off
GERS: Selectmen, clerks, recorders, super
tutendents of district schools and assessors
Arthur T., Thomas
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
Counterbalanced.

"Blinkins is a nice fellow"
Eyes; but he shows such marked dis.
position to exaggerate."
ITO be sure; but that is counterbal-
anced by one thing"
"What is that?"
1.-THE general ihdisposition to believe
him. Merchant Traveller.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
THE PEOPLES POSITION.

'sThe basis of free government is the
right Of the people to govern themselves. !"
-PeopIe's Party "DccldrGtion Of Principles. :"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1889-12-27
The Chronic Kicker.

Dost love a man who always kicks. no matter
what you do,
Who kicks with most prodigious ease the whole
long season through, g.
Who kicks If anything goes wrong, and kicks II
all goes right, tf' -
Who kicks because he likes to kick, and kicks
with all his might? H
We know some awful kickers on this wicked
mundane sphere,
Who came on earth by accident and kick because
they're here;
They make themselves uncomfortable and other
people sick,
They drive their friends to suicide and still they
always kick.
We know a man who kicks and kicks the blessed
livelong day,
And If there's naught to kick about he's kicking
anyway;
at times when things going right and other
men would smile,
He kicks on general principles. and kicketh all
the while
Chicago Tribune
Omaha daily bee., 1889-10-06

great center and stronghold Of Mormonism.
Here are the chief Offices, great temple, big
tabernacle and everything else to make this
q mecca OF Mormonlsm, but they have been
losing power very rapidly the past few years.
Gong back to 1885 we fiud that only one
liberal member was elected 10 the legislature,
composed of thirty-six members, In 1857 tho
number crawled up TO five. August
the legislature resulted in the selection OF
eight liberals to serve In tho session to con.
vene next January IL was ut that election
that victory was won, which was heralded
over the country as great event for Salt
Lake City. The Mormons became alarmed
Just before the election, and did all in their
power to get out their fun vote. They clam
TO have gotten out over niuety.hve per cent
OF their vote, while tho liberals lacked
twenty five per cent of getting out their
vote, aud yet carried the five city precincts
by forty -one majority. This was revela-
tion to the people, aud las created great en-
thusiasm here, and universal interest
throughout the country.
Among the Mormon leaders this election
caused CONSERVATION. They are now trying
to arouse the people by holding meetings at
which old, DISTINGUISHED polygamist men
who have served terms in tho penitenttary
under convictions under the Edmunds law,
ana old women attend and plead for the
voters to stick to the peoples party. They
have aiso imported men from outside sottle-
ments to work on public and private improve,
ments that they may help fasten Mormon
rule on this city for another term OF two
years. On the other hand the liberals are
organizing clubs in each Of the twenty-five
wards, and arousing such enthusiasm as iu-
surcs success. These ward clubs are being
uniformed, assigned by companies TO reSi-
mcnts and all TO form ono big
brigade in regular military order.
There is a big drum corps and also
tiambeaux club. Two years ago the pre-.
sent Mormon city directory was elected by
over SIX hundred majority. For the liberals
to carry the city seven weeks ago by ma
jority of forty-one was no small victory. TO
win in February means more than care to
discuss ut this time, and more than strangers
to Mormon ways and the history of Utah
can comprehend. Fortunately all voters
must be duly registered and take such oaths
us pretty thoroughly purge the lists of pev-
pie unqualified by law. Although it is over
four months TO this election, ward clubs
meet every week, the drums are heard
frequently, and a, most thorough
organization is being perfected
bv men empl Dyed for this purpose While
20j0)0 Norm ons are anxious for the contn-
uance OF Nor mon rule in this city, every true
citizen of this nation wishes for libe raj vic
tory.