The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1889-02-15

humorous Peek Tells How He Got IN
Hla work ne Hia Expense.


Almost every daily paper OF any pre-
tensions to greatness or enterprise
maintains n shumoristn on its stafT.
funny fellow whose business IL is &c
make the readers laugh s'hal hal'' The
following item was written by one OF
those alleged humorists:
"Pecls OF PscEs sun won $1,000 on the elec
ton, but his consc enee will not permit him tc
keep It. He proposes TO dispense u 20 NEEDY
widows In sums OF go each. Every widow "
neeo OF cash should put IN her claim ~ once
The laughable item was started the
Lord only knows where, but 10 Is
going the rounds, and am be-
ginning to get the benefit OF course
II / knew who the fellow was that
wrote the item i could kill him, and
that would break him of sucking eggs,
but he Is .sincog.n He Is like the fell
low who writes an anonymous letter
One would think such an item could
not do any harm. II does no harm to
me. except to make my heart bleed
about twice day. The fellow who
wrote it probably thought would re-
ceive lots of letters from pretty widows,
and that | would have picnic answer
ing them. The facts are that never
bet cent on election. and never won
a dollar. and while may occasionally
| give little money TO the deserving
poor. l have no thousands of dollars
laid away for the purpose of aiding
widows or any other deserving class.
/ wish the fellow who wrote that item
TO be cunning could read some Of the
letters receive. IL he could sit here
beside me, / could make him so
ashamed OF himself that he would an
swer these letters am receiving, and
acknowledge that he was not only n
star liar but foolish ass. These let
ters are not from beautiful and "fy +"
widows. with pearly teeth, red lips.
beautiful complexion, soulful eyes, and
fat little hands. but they come from
| old ladies seventy and eighty years OF
age, who have been left alone. and
| who are so poor and needy. They
never knew any thing about news
paper liars. and take 1t for granted
that the above item il Gods truth. and
! they picture to me their sufferings
and poverty and despair in such
| terms that it makes me feel as though,
II was able. would support them all
in luxury as long as the precious
old souls live. They tell me
how TO send the money, and
how much good it will do them
this winter. One poor. loving old
creature, ignorant of the ways of the
wicked world, shivering from insult
hcient clothing, has bought some
underelothes of warm wool from a
kind merchant. to be paid for when
she gets her twenty dollars from me,
and she writes such glad letter OF
thanks, and tells me that she believes
! must be perfect image of her dear
boy who was so kind to her, but who
was killed at Antietam, or at least she
supposes he was. for she never heard
fsom him after that battle, and she
says am so good she knows will GO
every day. What opinion will the in
nocent old lady have of me when tell
her the story is all lie, and what
opinion will she have OF the liar who
wrote it to be funny. think / will
! pay for those underclothes for luck,
any way. Another letter comes from
a woman eighty-four years old. who
has been widow for forty years. and
supported herself for thirty years knit
ting socks, until she became paralyzed.
and for ten years she has been in Q
poor-house, bed-ridden. She tells me
what she is going to do with hel
twenty dollars. With ten dollars OF il
she is going to buy blanket shaw
and some warm underclothing, and
some crab apple jelly. and a chicken
I to make some soup. and little china
concern which Is used to pour liquid
nourishment into the mouths of those
who can not raise their heads. Fiv,
dollars of it she is going to use to pay
a debt. money sne borrowed nine years
ago to buy medicine, and with the resi
she is going 10 buy crutch for poor
! girl whose limb is shriveled, and tn,
rest she is going to put under her pill
low to be used when she is dead, K
r paint the poor-house coffin in whicl
she will be buried, and buy a shrout
and bouquet of flowers for that occa
sion. Well, l can see that poor olC
woman cry when / write her that tn,
, item is not true. | can see the tear
, run down her wasted. wrinklel cheek
and l wish the fellow that wrote tha
/ item, and thought he was smart, coulC
see her as 1 do. But l guess l vii
: send her the blanket shawl, and tn,
: china affair. and have the poor-hous'
a folks inform her that her coffin shall
: be painted all right, and that she shall
. have a good send-off, with flowers
But, o. g0ouldS't / like to catch tn,
fellow who wrote that smart Aleck lii
about me. II he had heart coul'
Y show him some of the results of hi
:, work. and make him cry at a mark
# How much trouble can be caused in
nocent people by such fellow, VIII,
n draws salary for being funny
: Perks Sun.
@ MIR. Rambo's Mistake.
lonr IF M Pa, nHp -