Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1889-10-22
THE EPIST0LARY CRANK.
FUNNY THINGS FOUND IN THE
MAIL OF TWO PUBLIC MEN.

MAIL OF TWO PUBLIC MEN.
Letter. Received by the Manager of the
st. Louis Exposition-The Mayor Of That
City Gets His Share of the sSme Kind.
Specimens from Each Batch.
'The heads of public institutions are tar
gets for all the cranks and queers of the
country TO shoot their pellets at" said Man
ager George Mills, of the st. Louis EXPOSE
ton, after examining bushel or more Of
letters, "Some Of these should be preserved
In alcohol-here's one, for instance and he
handed the following 10 a reporter:
WANTS A MILLION FOR 1T.
ALLEN, ALLEaASY COUNTY. N. Y.
ST. Louis Exposition Director:
DEAR SIR--i learn YOU have got big show 10
your city that handles everything have nat
ural curiosity that would draw big. have offered
Il 10 number Of museums. but they would not
pay what want for II; ! heard you folks give
more Tor attractions than anybody else and l
wan. to know what you can give I'D bet my
franchise there amt another one like It, nor half
rs good What is IL III like sore to tell me,
but | n tell you what it's like
Last spring feed hollow bufted beech tree
and splitting the butt rail cut found the center
filed, from about two feet above the ground with
that looked like flesh. and which l
parted from the inside Of the hollow with some
as it seemed TO be- sort OF grown 10 the
wood. The thing was somewhat longer than a
man, but u had no form just n straight piece Of
flesh that lifted the irregularities OF the trees in
terror. But looking closer, found what seemed
like a kind Of face, and then traced out what re
manned OF nose ears. arms and legs. There was
a little orifce where the mouth ought 20 be that
the thing was breathing out OF Just little
The flesh was very white and teuder and shrunk
away IL touched put IL on the bob sled, took 1t
home, and the school teacher who was boarding
there and me concluded IL WAS the reminiscence
of slave who had run away in war time and
being almost caught, had squeezed up into the
tree; that the hole had been stopped up and the
negro not being able TO get out, the growing wood
had plnched him and the sap OF the tree had sup
Piled him with life until found him As he could
not grow sideways he forced to grow some
way. and when he had bsen compressed out of all
shape 20 accommodate the space inside the exten-
sion began The Zig bunch Of wooly hair indicated
his Africanness and no mistake. The peculiar
food and darkness bleached him. | thought the
creature was going 10 starve TO death once, but
made beach nut soup and poured il into what
used 20 be his mouth. will take 81 600 600 for
him. FRANcIs Dent.
FREE SHOW AND A FREE PASS
You'll invest, of course, in this oddityF'
queried the reporter
1T would he a star, replied the manager,
'if it existed except in the writer's brain
But the demand for 81 ,o0O. 900 betrays him
for an insane man, even had we not received
similar letters from him before He was a
school teacher, but has been confined four
years. Every time he escapes we get one of
those epistlesn
Heres one from n museum manager - Mr..
Mills continued, (which inquiries il think
the girl who receives the beauty premium
can be induced to travel for a moderate salary
with sort OF side show, and If | will act as
his agent In the matter. By way of post
script he SAYS that while she would be a
drawing card for him, it would advertise the
st. Louis exposition immensely"
What will you replyP
REPLY Why, if had the fellow here I'd
--rd-rdn-
And the manager revolved everything
mean he could imagine in his mind, but con-
tempt curtailed the assignment until he finally
calculated:
"I'd tie him in Chinese laundry to fatten
on ratsf
Another oddly was the letter of a Chicago
mechanic, who expressed in stultified phrase
ology the highest admiration for 1.-THE show
and summed up with request that Mr. Mills
writer, wife and baby TO visit the exposition;
or, he admitted, he would be glad of passes,
and, an inducemenr, offered IF any plaster
ing wants patchin'" to do il.
Requests for passes to the hall are numer-
Gus. One man writes from OTTAWA. Kan.
asking a season ticket for his family on the
ground that he boosted Verestchagin while
the latter got his sketch for "A Hanging in
Russia" Half a hundred offer their services
gratis as watchmen il their friends Will be
passed in. An inventor offers for 5000 TO
set up a machine at each entrance that will
take, automatically, the picture of every one
entering the building, without regard TO
how fast they come. This is both aS an ex-
hibit, the author explains, and to help the
police in picking up pckpockets
RURAL ARIA CHICKEN BARON
Farther on in the pile was "a letter from
farmer, who evidently could not appreciate
the Russian painters talent II went thar"
he scrawlS, 'gist 10 see them paintens hearn
so much about. My girl James only a. n she
kin paint better a blamed sight with skim
milk n huckleberry juice But unique MSS.
are not confined TO the exposition Two days
after assuming the assistant mayorship, Act
ing Secretary Simon 5. Bass had n stock OF
odd applications filed away for mementoes
Among these is one from thoroughbred
Yankee, who asks:
"Mr. Mayor: What chance is there in st.
Louis for an official incubator, that Is, one
that Is first class Matching machine which
| could get your Endorsement for as mayor for
about t2OOi Besides, / would give you a
couple Of spring chickens every day while
run and got good business Or, could do
better and make il worth your while 10 make
! license or something, 50 could put in a lot
and control the Matching business Of your
own. Please answer quick, because havea
ot Of eggs waiting
In another line was the letter which asked
4 brick making machine would pay here,
but the man spread the batter all over the
griddle who asked n wheeibarrovvs Ind been
introduced here yet, and II not how a couple
dozen would take after the novelty wore of
This came from Canada.
A farmer re, lronton, No, begs Mayor
Noonan 10 refer nun to the best poet In town,
a he wants, he says, about 100 lines about an
old fellow settler IL it would cost no more
than a nickel line. Or, he offers the mayor
fifty cents 10 let the job out not to exceed
IS, for which he would like 20 send two deers
when the game law comes in. Every man
TO his trade, :" he winds up; II can hunt; let
him as can write poetry"
So common are these appeals that an ap-
plication 10 the mayor for the position as a
school teacher, etc, scarcely provokes a
smile The answering Of these communica-
tons is left to the janitor, who afiirms they
kindle fire as well as any paper he knows OF.
st. Louis Globe-Democrat
A Serious Case.