Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-05-27

IT'S the hatchet in the hand OF the I'M
methodical youngster that causes the
chew and cry"
Briggs Got your spring suit YETI
Griggs- OF course. Briggs-That so?
When did you get it? Griggs-Last spring.
Artist-What do you say to my new
picture? Critic-I am not going to say
anything to it unless it says something
to me.
Sunday school teacher What must we
do before we have our wrongs forgiven?
Bright scholar-We must first commit the
wrongs.
He is a mean New Yorker who wrote to
his Brooklyn friend; We had Centen-
NAL celebration here last week-perhaps
you heard of it.
Doctor-Rogers, derive the word fl
nance Roger (after pause)-It comes
from 'finis,' an end, sir, because it's the
art of making both ends meet.
He-We have enjoyed lovely centen-
NAL evening. May L be permitted to call
again? She-Certainly be sure and
come up the next centennial evening.
Woman of the house Ito tramp)-Well,
now; you said you would do some saw
ing after you got through eating. Tramp
-Yes'm, 1 will Fetch on your violin.
This ambiguous notice adorns a ladies'
cabin in a Hoboken ferry-boat: These
seats are for ladies. Gentlemen will not
occupy them until the ladies are seated"
A Port Allegheny, Pa, man who was
tilted out of a sleeping car berth by jolt
of the train, exclaimed in an unconscious
way, "Dont-don't-Il get up and start
the fire.
You appear to be in good health, said
a prison visitor to a convict 1t is only
in appearance, sir, replied the convict, for
the fact is | am confined to my room more
than half the time.
She-Oh, 1 shouldn't like to be bitten
by boa constructor. He-Boa constric-
tors don't bite. She-Don't they? What
do they do? He-They squeeze you. She
oh, that's ever so much nicer.
Even kings must die, and millionaires
have their troubles. The man who sits
on the throne, or even one possessed of
ten millions of dollars cannot prevent his
trousers from baggIng at the knees.
Since the Introduction of female post
masters, a girl goes up to the window
and saws: els there a letter for Miss Re
becca Robinson?" Yes says the female
postmaster, ''here is one from John Nc
Johns"
A Missouri girl dressed up as a boy and
went out as farm hand, and they never
found her out until she carelessly let them
see that she could thread aneedle without
pricking her finger, and swearing like
deputy sheriff.
boys to tie tin kettles to dogs tails? De-
cidedly wrong, Bobby, 1 hope you'll never
do such a thing as that. No, indeed, ma,
replied Bobby, emphatically; all | do is
to hold the dog.
A Dutch saloonist. on being asked why
a beer mug was hung in front of his place,
replied "Don't dot constitution of dose
United States say, hang your banner on
dose outside vall?' SO L puts mine flag on
de front vail of mine shtore."
Chow iaded your horse looks, cabman!P
remarked an old lady, as she dismounted
from the cab. sis not the bit uncomtort-
ably large for his MOUTH" ''It amt the
big bit in his mouth, mum. It's the small
bit in his stomach
Father-Well, how did you come out
on the bean-guessing contest? Dull Boy
i guessed there were 100 beans in the
Jar, and there were 5000. Father (sadly)
I'm afraid you'll never be fit for anything
but a weather bureau chief.
The wedding ceremony was being sol
emnized in the crowded church, and the
bride, young damsel, had been great
fiirt. When the usual question came
"Who gives this woman awayY young
man in a back seat replied, 81 can, but
WON'T
One day three-years -old Tommy climb
ed up in parlor chair to reach something
he wanted ''Don't get up in that chair
with your feet, Teddy" said his mother.
The little fellow looked down at his small
extremities with an air of great surprise.
ssWhy, mamma" said he, 81 tan't tate 'em
off"