Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1889-10-12
THE EPISTOLARY CRANK.
FUNNY THINGS FOUND IN THE
MAIL or TWO PUBLIC MEN.

Letters Received by the Manager of the
st. Louis Exposition--The Mayor Of That
City Gets His Share OF the Same Kind.
Specimens from Each Batch.
'sThe heads OF public institutions are tar
gets for all the cranks and queers Of the
country to shoot their pellets att said Man
ager George Mills, cf the st. Louis exposi-
ton, after examining bushel or more Of
letters. "Some of these should be preserved
In alcohol-here's one, for instance, and he
handed the following to reporter:
WANTS MILLION FOR IT.
ALLEN, Ar1FekNv CouSTY. n. Y.
st. Louis Exposition Directors
DEAR SRI learn you have got big show in
your city that handles everything. Ihave a nat
ural curiosity that would draw big / have offered
It to number Of xluseums, but they would not
pay what want for it; heard you folks give
==s-c for attractions than anybody else, and
s-ps to know what you can give ia bet my
franchise there amt another one Hike u, nor half
as good. What is its I'll like some 70 tell me.
but I'll tell you what it's like.
Last spring l felled a hollow butted beech tree,
and splitting the butt rail cut found the center
filed, from about two feet above the ground with
something that looked like flesh, and which
parted from the inside of the hollow with some
difficulty, as 1t seemed to be sort of grown to the
wood The thing was somewhat longer than q
man, but it had no form--just straight piece OF
flesh that fitted the Irregularities Of the trees In
terror. But looking closer, found what seemed
like kind of face, and then traced out what re
manned of nose ears, arms and legs. There was
little oriice where the mouth ought to be that
the thing was breathing out Of just little
The flesh was very white and tender. and shrunk
away If touched. Iput it on the bob sled, took 1t
home, and the school teacher who was boarding
| there and me concluded it was the "Reminiscences
of a slave who had run away in war time. and,
being almost caught, had squeezed up into the
tree; that the hole had been stopped up, and the
negro not being able to get out, the growing wood
had pnched him and the sap of the tree had sup
piled him with life until found him. AS he could
| not grow sideways he was forced to grow some
| way and when he had been compressed out of all
shape to accommodate the space inside the extern
sion began The big bunch Of woolly hair indicated
his Africanness and no mistake. The peculiar
| food and darkness bleached him. thought the
creature was going TO starve TO death once, but
| made beech nut soup and poured 1t into what
| used to be his mouth. win take S100O,OOO for
| him. FRANCIS DENT.
A FREE SHOW AND A FREE PASS.
you'll invest, of course, in this oddityf'
| queried the reporter.
| at would be star, replied the manager,
| 'sif it existed except in the writer's brain
But the demand for 100000 betrays him
! for an insane man, even had we not received
similar letters from him before. He was a
school teacher, but has been confined four
| years. Every time he escapes we get one of
| those epistles"
ssHere's one from museum manager, Mr..
Mills continued, (which inquiries if think
| the girl who receives the beauty premium
f,x. als...x
4 with sort Of side show, and if / will act as
his agent In the matter. BY way of post
| script he says that while she would be a
| drawing card for him, it would advertise the
| st. Louis exposition immensely"
"What will you replyr'
"Replyi Why, If l had the fellow here I'd
| -rd-rd''-
| And the manager revolved everything
| mean he could imagine in his mind, but con-
| tempt curtailed the assignment until he finally
| CALCULATED:
nd tie him in Chinese laundry TO fatten
| on ratsg
| Another Oddly was the letter of Chicago
mechanic, who expressed in stultified phrase
| ology the highest admiration for "the show,
| and summed up with request that Mr.. Mills
| use his influence to get half fare rates for the
| writer, wife and baby to visit the exposition
| or, he admitted, he would be glad of passes,
| and, as an inducement offered ''if any plaster
| ing wants patchin'" TO do It.
Requests for passes to the hall are numer-
Gus. One man writes from Ottawa, Kan,
asking a season ticket for his family on the
ground that he tboostedn Verestchagin while
the latter got his sketch for "a Hanging in
Russia Half hundred offer their services
| gratis as watchmen IL their friends will be
| passed In. An inventor offers for 5000 to
set up a machine at each entrance that will
take, automatically, the picture of every one
entering the building, without regard tc
how fast they come. This is both as an ex-
| hibit, the author explains, and to help the
police in picking up pickpockets.
RURAL ARIA CHICKEN BARON.
Farther on in the pile was letter from a
farmer, who evidently could not appreciate
the Russian painters talent. II went thar,
he scrawis, 'gist to see them paintens hearr
so much about Ny girl James only IA, IN she
kin paint better blamed sight with skim
milk N huckleberry juice" But unique MSS
are not confined to the exposition. Two days
after assuming the assistant mayorship, Act
ing Secretary Simon s. Bass had a stock Of
odd applications filed away for mementoes
Among these Is one from thoroughbred
Yankee, who asks;
"Mr. Mayor: What chance is there in st
Louis for an official incubator, that is, one
that is first class Matching machine which
Icould get your Endorsement for as mayor fol
about $2O09 Besides, would give you @
couple of spring chickens every day while
run and got good business. Or, could dc
better and make it worth your whileto make
license or something, so could put in lot
and control the Matching business of your
town. Please answer quick, because / have
lot of eggs waiting"
IN another line was the letter which asked
il brick making machine would pay here
but the man spread the batter all over the
griddle who asked if wheelbarrows had been
| inttqod,rca1 here vet and if not how a couDle