Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-02-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

SuocGS OUU Wigs. 1nlS makes nor the
wiggedest woman in America Wash
ingt0n Post.
When your mother interferes in your
play, Johnny, by spanking you with a
trunk strap, you are perfectly justified
in abiding to the affair as a leather
meddle.-Harpea'S BazGr.
The photograph shows that mans
voice has not the same sound to him.
self that it has to others, thus finally
explaining why some people persist in
singing. -Loa0eU Courier.
"a foul tip!" Kissed the ex-ball-
player, present hotel waiter, as he
picked up the quarter left by patron
on the table and found it to be made
of lead. -BialghamtOn Republican.
"How do you get along with your
German, old manP" '.Pretty well.
Since l caught this cold in the head
my teacher says my pronunciation has
improved rapidly."-Nea0 York World.
If the granite powders that make
the Falls of Niagara should ever wear
away they can be replaced by the
checks of Niagara hackmen and be
made to last forever Nea0 Orleans
Picay'1'ae.
George" writes to inquire what
athletic game he had better cultivate
in order to improve his appetite. Try
draw poker, my boy. Stick to it, and
you will be hungry most of the time
Washington Post.
Dullard-Now this is outrageous.
Here's Casket has charged the widow
Jones $500 for her husbands funeral
Brightly-Well. you must always ex-
pect stiff bill from an undertaken
Lot0eU Citizen.
Wife-What a lovely little bonnet!
Who brought it up? Husband-A
small boy, my dear. Wife - Did he
bring the billP Husband-O, no; /
guess they'll send that up on hand
CART Washington Post.
Spelter-'.W woman you are to
run on when you get started! | can't
get in word edgewise," Mrs. S.
Notwithstanding that your language
is so exceedingly thin. 1t is funny;
that's fact. '-B0stoa Transcript.
Wife-John, when you die [ want
HOu " NC CiCIlIflUCbs L Ou "Oulu luSU
as lief, wouldn't you?" Sick husband
(wearily)-''Yes, | suppose. You've
been roasting me all my life and l
guess one more won't matter" -Terre
Haute Express.
Householder to tramp = No, you
can't have anything to eat here.
Go right away! Tramp-That's what
they told me over the way. They
said you had only one meal a week
here. Sorry l troubled you. Ta-ta!-
Nea0 York World.
She (tenderly)-In the spring a
young mans fancy lightly turns to
thoughts of love, Mr.. Heartsease. He
Yes, Miss Willing, but there's no
use in being in hurry. 1t won't be
spring for four or five months yet
Washington Post.
Deacon-"Do they use the revised
edition of the Bible at your church,
Mrs. Hymnal?" Mrs. Hymnal-''We
used to do so, but since this craze for
the antique began we did not wish to
be behind the age, so we adopted the
other book. "-Lo0eU Citizen.
"What airs Mr.. Textual puts on!
Quite absurd, don't you think so, for a
clergyman? One would think he own
ed the church, go, | don't know.
He doesn't claim to own the church,
but L presume he considers himself
soul agent. n-BoSton Transcript.
Theater-goer Indignantly : The
idea of baby yelling like that at a
theater! Why don t you have the
youngster put out? Manager (help-
lessly)-I don't dare. It's the pet
grandchild of the little actress you
threw the boquet to-" = PhiladeL3hia
Record.
Mrs. B.-My dear Mrs. S., would
you kindly lend me your hat for the
play? Mrs. S. Nighly fatteredl-
Certainly, with pleasure. What kind
of part is it? Mrs. 30, it is one
of those parts where one wishes
to look as absurd as possible-don't
you knowP-LJe.
"Helloa, Bromley, that isn't the fair
thing! You promised that if your side
lost the election you'd shave off one
whisker." ''Well, haven't I?" Eyes,
but you've shaved off both of them"
w. CudG ) oil II2IU. L lOSb Glle OIueE
one in the same kind of a bet with
Darringer.-ITnae.
Bagley-what a melancholy man
that Griggsby is! Bailey-Well, I
guess you'd be melancholy if your
wife had just died. Bagley-Yes, but
Griggsby is continually doing things
to increase his misery. Bailey-Indeed!
Bagley-Yes, saw him last night at
the minstrels.-IEnle.
First confirmed bargain hunter--See
my lovely apron; only % cents!
Second G. B. H-Why, I got one just
like it for %. First G. B. H.-O,
where, where? I must go and get one
right away. / don't need any more,
but one can't afford to let such bargains
go, don't you know.-Ihe idea.
The man who sold his birthright--
whatever that was-for a mess of
pottage probably knew what the
thing was worth and had right to
make his own bargain; but it seems
the world at large will never stop
talking about that particular mans
particular bargain.-Nea0 Orleans Pica-
yu7ae.
Mrs. CT understand you have
had trouble with your servant girl.
Mrs. H.-Not at all. s.Oi then l was
misinformed. ''It was nothing. /
was going to give a reception. but she
had arranged one for herself that
night" land she gave hers up?"