News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-02-28
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY THE FUN
NY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Loves Young Dream Enlighten-
ing the Young Man - Henry's
Plea, &C, &c.

| LONcS bFtdh1
ing the Young Man Henry's
Plea, &C., &c.
| LOVES YOUNG DREAM.
Little Girl Cat schooD-What did the
teacher send you here for2
Little Boy-She said L was bad and
must come over and sit with the girls.
| 81 like you. Can you stay long?"
"Guess not. / wasn't very bad.
| "Well, you be Bladder next time. -
Nep York Weekly.
ENLIGHTENING THE YOUNG MAN.
Mr.. Hankinson (admirer of Miss Gar
1inghouse)-Howca calm and stately Miss
Clearinghouse looks! I think 1 have not
seen her smile this evening.
Miss Kajones dearest friend of Miss
t'G. Yes /; Irene has read somewhere
that excessive smiling produces wrinkles
on the cheeks. Lovely evening, isn't
it, Mr.. Hankinson?- Chicago Tribune.
HENRY's PLEA.
"Mabel," said Henry, and in spite of
his effort to control himself the voice
was tremulous, and he spoke with the
air of timid desperation which marks
the elocution of a man about to ask for
the loan of five pounds; "Mabel, I do
not kneel at your feet" (and he wasn't
he was sitting bold uprig ght ON sofa)
''to plead for myself. 1 come here only
to beg you to think of my brother
George. He-he loves you dearly, Ma
bel, and should you refuse his plea L
tremble for the consequences. He is
alone in the world, and he wants
sister-in-law. Oh, will you not be one
to him ?''-L0ndOn Tid-Bits.
PRESENCE OF MIND.
Unfortunate Skater-Helpl Helpl
Party on Bank-Hold on! Hold on
I'll run right home and get my book on
'tHow to Resuscitate the Drowned and
Relieve the Frost-Bitten. Life.
CERTAINLY A CURIOSITY.
Clerk-Bond you wish to deposit2
Dude-Naw; it's a receipted bill from
my tailor-frst one 1 ever had-value it
as er-ah-sort of-ah-curiosity, don
chuknow ?-Once Week.
ANENT SAMOA.
The eagles been settin' round a holdin
flags and things,
Ornamentin silver dollars with q quecriSh /
pair of wings,
And alookin' kinder sleepy; but if he should
see a cause,
Yew will see his eyes a-blazin', and he's got
the same old claws.
Albany Journal.
MISFORTUNE IN MATRIMoNY.
Old Girl-Why don't you marry, Mr..
Batch2
Mr.. Because I'll be always FORUM
ate if I don't
Old Girl-Quite the contrary. You
Mr.. B.-I beg your pardon. Doesn't |
the good book say misfortunes never
come singly p Washington Critic.
MUMMIEs COME HIGH.
Egyptian mummies, which could be
i'll Alexandria five years ago
for five dollars apiece, now cost S15.
There has evidently beon a strike among
the mummy makers, and our readers
should not lay in stock of mummies
for the summer for few weeks yet.
They Will be lower when warmer weather
sets in.-NOrristoWn Herald.
TWO PROPOSITIONS.
Mr.. Gold-You have owed for those |
diamond earrings for three years and
have never thought of paying me. I'll
make you proposition: Pay me i'm
mediately, and I'll deduct one-half from
the bill.
Mr.. Brass-Your proposition is kind,
but I'll make better one. Wait three
years more and we'll be quits.
Weekly.
PERFECTLY SAFE.
Wife petulantly)-Such q lump of
selfishness! The house was full of
strange noises last night and didn't
dare close my eyes once; and there you
were sleeping like log. Burglars mil ght
have carried us both off and you would
not have known it.
Husband (wearily)-Don fret dear, if
they ever carry you off they'll bring you
back.-Nen York Weekly.
ANOTHER MYSTERY EXPLAINED.
Sensible Wife-My dear, you remem-
ber, of coures, that before our marriage
told you that 1 rather enjoyed cigar
smoke. Well, | am sure I do not love
you any less now, yet the fact remains
that 1 find your smoking intensely disa-
greeable. What is it?
Sensible husband-When I had only
myself to support 1 smoked two for a
quarter; now smoke two for five
Philadelphia Reccrd.
sPRINGTIME WOES.
Now the sunny days are coming.
Claribel is full of woes;
For the price of every walk is
Five new Irecklcs on her nose
Buffalo Express.
JOINING FORCES.
"Sir," said the missionary to the de-
parting legislator, 81 wish you would do
all i'll your power to reclaim the poor
red man of the West
will - oi1 tba Io lyar haort
lily; "I1l begin with their reservations
first"
DOUBTFUL WHETHER HE TOLD.
Physician-I've good mind to tell |
your wife, Smith, that if she continues
to chew gum so persistently there is
danger of paralysis of the jaws.
Smith (eagerly)-Don't you do it, doc
tor leave it to me. I'll tell her.
Hngton Free Press.
BIG GUN DISCHARGED.
81 want you to understand that Tn a |
big gun here, said supercilious hotel
clerk to a guest with whom he was quar-
relling.
Therefore I'll discharge you," said
the proprietor, who came upon the scene |
as the fighting began. And the fighting
big gun was fired.
STILL WIDOW. i
Two ladies from the West happened |
to scrape an acquaintance while waiting
for connecting trains at the Broad street |
station yesterday. "How long has your
husband been dead2" asked one. "About |
a year" was the reply. "And you are
still widow" eyes. His estate amt |
settled yet. Philadelphia Record.
ANYTHING BUT HUMoR.
Young Man Ito Office boy)-Give that
humorous article to the editor, please,
and ask him if he can read it right |
away.
Office Boy (returned with humorous
article)-De boss returns the article
with thanks. He says he's all upset
with the mumps, and prob'ly won't be
able to read anything funny for week.