Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1889-11-22
A MARTYR TO HONESTY.

Mr.. John Upandownjohn had the mis-.
fortune To be strictly honsst man, in
which particular he stood lamentably
alone. He was constructed pecuiarly--he
was born into an atmosphere of integrity,
and his training had added TO his natural
bent to n d:gree that made him as in
capable Of an untruth, or the aemblance
thereof, as George Washington himself.
Having no tendency, it was we'll for him
self that he was born with a fortune, for
his rigid adherence to his principles unfit
ted him for almost every occupation. He
did try journalism but was dismissed
ANONYMOUSLY for saying of candidate of
the party with which the paper acted that
he was q thief and trickster. Then he
essayed the law. but he saw enough of law
| while medicine lasted him scarcely q
| week. So he decided to do nothing but
| live on his income and be an honest man.
He adopted certain rules by which he
lived, and he could no more depart from
| them than he could lise from the earth and
! take place among the stars. He ate ex-
| actly so much, at certain fixed hours, and
of certain kinds of food. He drank so
many times a day. Of certain liquors he
fancied were good for hiin, measuring the
quantity with the accuracy and precision
of an apothecary; aud so far did he carry
rule into life that he put On and off his
clothing on certain dsys in certain months,
| without reference to weather saw him
shiveriDg in June, and demanded the
reason.
II laid off my woolens this morning" I"
said he.
why lay off your woOlens in winter
weather." l asked
''The lst Of June is, my day therefor
said he. 1.-THE weather ought to be warm
to-day cannot break my rule"
He never ne egleeted to, pay Il debt, and
never told lie, not even white one. He
was cut out of an aunts will by respond
ing to her anxious inquiry as to how she
looked in certain dress which she had set
her heart on by the simple word "hidsOus." I"
Aud the same devotion to truth barred him,
no matter what path he took.
He was frightfully unpopular. though
notwithstanding he held high position
among his fellows. His child-like sim
plicity and sterling integrity made him
valuable, and besides every one knew that
his devotion to truth was honest, and had
nothing Of bumptiousness or malice in it.
Mr.. UpandOwnjOhn was member of the
Leviathan Club. l write the word was,
sadly, for he Is a Leviathan no more. The
cause and manner of his leaving that de-
hghttul association OF good men is the
animus of this'paper.
The members Of the Leviathan were
pleased with the appearance of Mr.. Up
andOwnjohn, and made much of him. Had
they known him better they would have
loved him less, Tor his peculiar virtue was
never popular in that club.
He excited attention, first, by his habit
of correcting loose-talking members when
their statements were highly favored with
romances, as, for instance, when one gen
tleman asserted that his father owned
Flora Temple when she wss colt, using
her as q common hack, aud selling her
finally for fifty dollars. Mr.. Upandown
john quietly put him down.
81 knew your father" In said, land
worthy, truthful man he was. He died
just three years before Flora Temple was
was foaled. The mare he used for u hack
and sold for fifty dollars must have been
some other famous animal. Flora Temple
will some day be the death of me. Every
racing season some one narrated the cir
eumstance of his fother having owned
Flora Temple and worked her as hack,
and what is more exasperating, he always
sold her for fifty dollars Would that |
could find one man whose father had sold
her sixty dollars or sixty two dollars and
fifty cents. You, my dear sir, are the
sixty eighth man this season whose father
once owned Flora Temple. She was the
most extensively owned mare | ever knew
any thing about"
On another occasion gentleman detail
cd with great minuteness how, in doing the
regular thing at Niagara by going under
the sheet, the wind parted the torrent and
he stepped out upon the shelf outside,
when, to his horror, the opening closed,
leaving him outside the falling sheet on
narrow ledge of rock. With great pres
ence of mind he darted through the falling
sheet and rejoined the frightened party,
who supposed him lost forever.
Mr.. Upandownjohn took pencil and pa
per, and worked all night and the next day,
without sleeping or eating. The next eve
ming he exhibited to the hero Of this mar
velous adventure the weight of the water
In that sheet, and demonstrated to him the
fact that had he got under it, he would
have been mashed, though he had been
constructed Of steel.
care you sure it was Niagaraf" he asked,
anxiously. Wasn't it some other fallf'
One day a member died, and the club
did the usual thing by him. A committee
was appointed to draft resolutions express
ing the bereavement Of the members, and,
rs ill-luck would have it, Upandowniohn
was put upon the committee.
They met, and, as is usually the case,
two of the members really had no time to
attend to it. One had an engagement at the
theatre, the other was to take his sister--or
some one else's to the opera.
"Upandowpjohp, said the FIRST, "you
have nothing to do, and are handy with
the pen. There is no earthly necessity for
keeping US here You just write out the
usual resolutions, aud send them down to
the Screamer, the Soarer. and the Spoater
in time for tomorrow morning"
"How shall treat the deceasedf" asked
UpandowDj ohm.
''Oh, in the usual way. Speak Of his
qualities, the feelings Of the club at his un-
timely taking off, the sources OF consola-
ton we have, his qualitiosas an actor; hurl
in something to alleviate the pangs Of his
family; speak of his general standing, and
put in a strong dose of general comfort and
so on. It'll be all right. You'll attend to
1t now, won't youf"
at is disagrecable duty" replied Up
sndOwnjohn, "but I'll do it."
And they left him to his work.
Now, Mr. Upsndowniohn had had no OK.
perience in work of this kind, and con-
sequently, he wasn't clear as 10 its form.
So he sent for the scrap book, in which
oucb ut,orances of the clnb had been mast.