Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-04-05
s8IIf.Es 80 sUEBEA3Is.


ORnERLY sages always file their wiss
saws.
TEA and coffee are well termed sIuz-
uries Of the grocer kind.
EXPIRE gowns are quite economical
because there Is so little waist to them.
A GLASS eye has one compensation
everybody else can see through the de
vice, if the weaFer cant.
'CHINAAIEN never rock a baby, Cbuna-
ley" "Nog" Never. They make the
sky rocket, you know !"-C Chicago
Ledger.
IN is easier for a camel to Get
through the eye of needle than for
the savage to get through his need OF
an idol.
HE-WelI, may hope then, dearest,
that at some time I may have the hap
piness of making you my wife? She
Yes, / hope So I am sure. / am tired
OF suing fellows for breach of promise.
VEBsFIER-Yo neglected to return
my poem. Editor-Yes, on the prin~
ciple of the golden rule. I remember
how 1t affected me when I received it
and I wanted to spare you a similar ex-
perience-
WHEN man dies natural death it
is well enough to call the corpse the
remains" but if he has been assisted
hence by discharge Of nitro -glycerine
the word remnants" seams to fit the
case better.
How INCONSISTENT some men are. to
be sure Thessame man who viii cheer
fully pay $3.50 to hear woman whistle
has been known to threaten instant an
Inhalation to the Office boy for doing the
self-same thing.
IN what condition was the Patriarch
Job at the end Of his life ?" asked
Camden Sunday-school teacher of a
quiet-looking boy at the foot of the
class. dead, calmly replied the
quiet-lOoking boy.
FIRST great actress Il see Nine
Bernhardt claims she has never quar-
relied with dressmaker. Second great
actress Huh / suppose she's so thank
full to get herself covered up that she
don't care much how it's done.
AN elder sister who was talking to a
small brother the other day about the
wills Of using slang, happened shortly
afterwards to use the word dictator.
you shouldn't say Dick later, said
the little purist, 'you should say Rich
ard Potato"
A BRILLIANT prospect: Absent-mind-
ed man Gin bob-tail car)-COnductor
I think I dropped hve-doilar gold
piece in the box instead OF nickel.
Street Car Driyer-WelI, sit down in
the corner and ride it out. I'm very
busy now, and can't be bothered
FREDDY B. is troubled about his wan
complexion, and wants to know if we
can recommend some exercise that will
bring a flush to his cheeks. An ath-
Iete who has tried it, Freddy. says the
best thing you can do is to sit down on
your stiff hat in a crowded church.
Mrs. CLOVER down to the pier,
Calvert, and if the LentiIlons come by
this steamer signal me with your hand
kerchief. Mr. CIOver-What shall /
do if they don't come? Mrs. Glover
Send up some rockets and hire the
Government band for a Notification.
"WHAr shall we do if the price of
-four goes up anv further?" exclaimed
Mrs. Kneadem to her husband. 81 can
suggest a simple remedy, my dear,
responded Mr.. Kneadem, quietly. Gust
continue your home baking and we
need not anticipate any rise in bread.
| A FASHIONABLE boarding-sehool IN
/ New York teaches its pupils how to eat
| asparagus. 1t is painful thought that
! there are thousands of girls-nice girls,
/ too-who are compelled to go through
! the world from the cradle to the grave
/ without receiving a ngIe lesson IN the
/ art of eating asparagus.
| KITTY Gust up from long illness to
friend calling upon her)-I'm crazy to
| get out to see the styles. haven't a
thing to wear that's fit to be seen,
! CIara-I'1 go shopping with you.
know lust what to get. Grandma died
since you've been sick, and I've got the
giddiest mourning trousseau out.
Mrs. DE SWEET cannot under
stand why so many cultivated men are
willing to leave all the happiness of
home. all the blessings of civilization,
and spend a lifetime in explorations in
/ such countries as Africa Col. Warm
heart (gaIlantly)-Al men, madam, are
| not blessed with such wives as Mr.. De
/ Sweet.
AETI-CLIIAX.
athIess the audience sat;