Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-09-11

Ma, MICH, WEDNEI
WIT AND HUM0R.
Tom-Did you ever fall in love?
Dick-Yes but / got out-with
the assistance of her father.-Epoch.
Sparrows for the table sell at %
cents per dozen in Albany, N. Y
Richmond would like to sparrow few
at less price.-Richmond Dispatch.
Sappy-I think / shall, aw, nevah
have to stwuggle for gweatness. Aw,
l was born gweat, doncher know?
Crusty-Great Scott how you
must have shrunk !-Ex.
Tom Bashful-Say, Jack, can't you
give me any light on the subject of
making love?
Jack Beenthare-Tom, my boy, no
light is needed. It's better in the
dark k.-Ex.
"This seems like a sweet dream" he
rapturously remarked as he fingered
with her at the door step. at doesn't
seem like dream to me, ,"'she replied,
for dream soon vanishes, you know"
He vanished.-Ex.
A bachelor, who lives in Newark,
N. j., and who has always had fear
that his wife might rule him, says now
that a new idea has struck hin. He
is going to marry type writer girl,
because he can dictate to her.-Ex.
Wealthy Kansan-Did anything
come by the afternoon train, John?
John-Yes, sir a box of nails and
ten bars of soap.
w. Kali right. Tell Fred to
come in, put the bars on ice, and bring
glasses for two.-Ex.
Don't you know how to spell ?"
asked the exasperated teacher Of the
extremely phonetic boy.
''Oh, yes; :" said the boy, 81 know
how to spell well enough, but the men
who made the dictionaries don't seem
to."-Somerville Journal.
Sharpe-Just give that messenger
call whirl, will you?
Clerk-Yes, sir. What shall | tell
the boy when he comes
Send him around to the telephone
office to notify them that would like
to use the telephone.-America.
"Now remember, Belinda" said
Mrs. Sharply to her daughter just
married, violence in anything is most
unladylike. OF course you will some
times disagree with your husband, but
always hit him with the soft end of
the broom. ."-Munsey's Weekly.
Miss Coldtea-We must plan an ex-
ira fine dinner for tomorrow. 1t is
Mr.. Coldtea's birthday. Let me see !;
what shall we have for the piece de
resistance
New Boarder-Why not have the
usual piece de resistance-the steak ?
America.
Mr.. Briggs-I wonder what women
will do next! | see in the paper that
women in the east are running their
health nowadays by eating tea.
Mrs. Briggs-Do you suppose it is
any worse than eating coffee ? Every
night you come home munching coffee,
and it seems to make your nose red
der and redder, to say nothing Of the
looks of your eyes.-Ex.
Mrs. Briske-Johnny, did the doc
tor call while l was out
Johnny (stopping his play)-Yes'm.
He felt my pulse and looked at my
tongue, and shook his head and said
it was very serious case, and he left
this prescription and said he'd call
again before night.
Mrs. B.-Gracious me! 1t wasn't
you sent him to see; it was the ba-
by.-N Y. Weekly.
First old lady-Conductor, rails e
this window shall smother to death!
Second ditto-Conductor, lower. this
window or I'll freeze to death
First old lady again-Conductor,
will you raise
Irate passenger (interrupting)--
Conductor, hoist that window and
freeze one of those old women to
death then lower it and smother the
other one. (Silence in the car.-Ex.
$50 you are married :" said "a tray
cling man to friend.
"Oh, yes; married over year ago"