Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-06-23
SOMETHING LIGHT AND AIRY.
BYsTANDER" STRIKES A HAPPY AMI
AMUSING VEIN.
The Office Slate Must Go-County Clerk
Hamilton and the Lady's License
Only Wharf Rats.

| have been unable to discover (eyen
after the most persistent research in the
"multifarious documents confded to me"l
the origin of the custom of both trades
men and the profession, in hanging out a
SLATE at the door" as the most expedient,
convenient, and faithful instrumentality
by which anyone who should need their
services might make their requirements
known. 1t might be that the slate and
pencil at the outer door takes the place of
the office boy; it is certainly cheaper less
trouble to the owner, and always there,
but to the public generally dare say it is
as uncertain as unsatisfactory, and carries
with the experience of its existence as
many disappointments as the 5O-cent cou-
pom does in lottery.
Take your family physician, for in
stance You rush down town in great
haste and find on his slate, 'Be back in so
minutes" That is all. Just simply, ''Be
back in 80 minutes" Now, in the name
Of heaven, what are you going to do.
Your wife or child is sick; perhaps very
sick. You want medical aid and you
want it at once. You want your regular
physician, too. Now, if he has Just gone,
you are afraid to wait. If he has been
gone 20 minutes, you can afford to wait
five, but which one of these surmises is
correct? You don't know. You must
either wait and take your chances,
get a new doctor and take your chances,
go home without one and take your
chances, or write upon the slate: "Wife
dying; come quick" and take your
chances.
You have toothache, for instance. A
regular stem-winder boy. Frantic with
pain you go to the dentists. Same old
slate says: "Gone to lunch" Now, if
dentists are as long eating lunch as they
are getting ready to pull a tooth any man
with natural judgment will hunt another
slate. Let water pipe burst and the i'm
mediate services of a plumber thereby be-
come necessary; what viii be the result :?
You will find on his slate three orders.
The last one, perchance, will be the ad-
dress of your next door neighbor, and the
NSlS VI IIiC pluiuDSI DtllS ClOSS
at hand with all his tools is so gratifying
that when you notice the other order call
ing him four miles out of town, and it then
flashes upon you that you do not know
which one of these orders he is responding
to, you experience such confusion of per-
ceptions and conflict of impulses that be-
fore you have recovered your whole house
may be flooded and your entire family
drowned.
Then again, if you should have urgent
need of a carpenter, you start down to
your office at the regular hour in the
morning, and as the carpenter shop is but
block out of the way it will be no
trouble at all to personally engage him,
and for that purpose you walk around TO
give the order. There you are again"
the same, old, dismal, greasy slate; but as
a carpenter must be had, and at once, you
Immediately proceed to find out when he
will return, and consequently consult the
only means you have Of ascertaining. Now
you may talk about the conglomeration of
hieroglyphics on Chinese tea chest, or
the mysterious characters carved on the
prismatic monuments of Egypt, or the
marvellous confusion of emblems found on
Cleopatra's needle; but for the genuine
mysteries in the handiwork of man, shall
refer you to the writings on carpenters
slate. Talk about the pig in the pen puzzleI
There is no comparison; and as your car
penter must be found, you spend Just one
hour endeavoring to read the writing on the
slate, until by accident you turn it over
and find written on the other side, of more
recent date, something that looks like
"Gone out of town"
There is no use talking about the dan
ger of the City Hall, the improvement of
our sidewalks, or what color is best for the
eyes. The agitation condemning the
office slate must continue until this con-
trivance, whose origin must have been in
the confusion of the flood, and whose voice
is the disharmony of the universe, goes.
And yet for all the discontinue and
trouble caused by this little article of
commerce it has its humorous side as we'll.
For instance, during the last week on the
various states in the city have observed
the following inconsistencies" There is
nothing so excruciatingly funny in what l
am going to write that it will throw the
readers of this nonsense into spasms, but
they are really funny, and what is more,
they are exactly as | saw them, with no
change, except that have omitted to give
the addresses in instances where the ad-
dresses were written, for you must remem-
Der most people do not think it necessary
to leave their addresses on slate.
saw on the slate of the gas companvs
workshop the other day: "Come to y
street quick. The gas is escaping in our
gas stove"
observed on Tom Scott's little black
faced indicator: "The water is running
through our hydrant. Bring TOOLS"
At carpenter shop read: "The door
you made is letting everything in"
At timers: "There is a hole in our
stove pipe"
A paper-hanger's slate read: "That
paper you put on is sticking to the wall.
Come out"
While on an undertakers slate / read
Doctor - was here this morning. You
come out this afternoon"
This was too much, and | went no far
ther.
Rather a neat, trim young woman
stepped into County Clerk w. B. Hamil-
toms Office the other day, and the follow
ing conversation occurred:
Young LADY, Is the County Clerk
in?"
Billy" very blandly)-"I am the
County Clerk, Madame. Is there any
thing | can do for you?"
Y. L. (rather WV" Yes, sir. If you
please, would like license"
B. VERY litely)-"Ah! Eh Certainly,
Madame, certainly. What is your name,
please?"
Y. l." Jenny -"
B.-"And your age, please?"
Y. L." Twenty-Five"
B." Do you reside here ?"
Y. LII do" Rather sternly this
time.)
-"Do your parents live here?"
Y. L." They do, sir" (She is biting
her lip now.)
B." Do they consent ,"
Y. L." What ?"
B." Do they consent ?''
Y. L-"Of course they do"
B." What is the young gentleman:
name ~
Y.L.-(Startled, and looking Billy right
in the eye) "What?"
B." What is the young mans name p
| Very soft and NICE
Y. Lob, what er you givin' us