The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1889-04-18
BUMPS AND JINKS.
They Discourse on the Calathump,
ian Party.
Refer to an Insurance Man-Who Par
aIyzes Them with BiograPh-
iCaI Facts.

was prospecting for an item, when
he spied Bumps and Jinks coming
out of Cunha's wiping their mouths
with their elbows. The reporter
sided up to them just as Jinks said:
Say, Bill, did you see that Gala
thumpian business in the Bulletin?"
Nav" said Bumps don't read
the Bulletin; used to, but it went to
seed and anonymous squibs. What's
the thumpian business anyhow"
"Oh, some Teller is just givin' the
COMMENT hail Columbia happy
Iand!"
'.What does he say? How does he
git into 'em?"
"Oh," says Jinks, "he's smart
one; he's just been studyin' up
their pedigrees, and he's found out
that every man jack of 'em is a
Boston bean eater, or comes from
whereabouts, and they won't give an
office to anybody who don't produce
a family Bible showing that his great
grandfather came over on the May
flower, or fought, bled and died, or
ran away, or something or other, at
Bunker's Hill; and that all of 'em
that's not parsons, and they pretty
nearly all is, is members of Fort
Street Church, and that nobody that
isn't one of 'em has got a show to
smell five cent piece out o the
Treasury; an all the other national
tiles they's just got on their ear and
S joined Dan Lyons party, and are
going to knock the Comment higher
than Gilroy's kite at the next cleo
ton. I'm on my way now to ask
Dan to let me get into bed with him
and have some kind of an office
Come along and I'll speak to him
about you and perhaps he'll make
you something or other"
Hold on" said Bumps, ''let's go
slow on this. If those is facts, Dams
got the bulge on 'em and no mistake;
but before L change my politics l
want to know what the facts and
prospects is"
"Oh, the facts is all right; 1 amt
a pedigree sharp myself, as l havn't
lived long in the country; but if you
want bed rock on pedigrees, there's
Father Cartwheel can just talk 'em
off to you like a walkin' directory
names, dates and all. Just come
over into his office and I'll let on that
l want to get my life insured for
S47, 900 and don't know whether to go
to him or Beretania Street Bluster,
and l can pump more pedigree out
of him In five minutes than you can
pick up from the rest of the town in
a week"
This proposition was agreed to,
and the two friends sauntered into
Mr.. C.'s new Office, which by the way
is about the nObbiest in town, and
links opened the conversation with:
MIR. Cartwheel, all things is transi
tory and life is but a tieeting shader,
and l might get married sometime,
and / might have a baby, and l
might go up salt erik all of a sudden,
and then who'd take care Of the wild
der and the kid? SO, says l to my
self, says l, I'll just look into this
insurance business and prepare for
emergencies"
Mr.. C.-That's right, sir. Life
insurance is the chief end of man
4 man who so far forgets the duties
of citizen as to fail to insure his
life rs an enemy of society, sir. The
Fairplay Life Assurance Society of
the United States, sir, Is the leading
insurance company in the world, sir.
Jinks.-Is that so? Why, 1 was
over to Mr.. Busters talkin' about
insurance just now, and he said that
the Buncome Life Insurance Com
pany was the best and that the Fair
play was a kind of one horse com
pany.
Mr.. Cone horse company! Why,
sir, the Fairplay has a paid up capt
tai of S973,46S,719, 5S3, 63127 and put
out 1868, 79S new policies last year;
and the assets are so big that 453
clerks. each with a patent adding
haven't been able 10 figure
them up for 1888 yet.
Jinks-My eye; don't say so
Company belongs in Boston, don't
it ? Everything in this country
comes from Boston, Comment
and all.
Mr.. C.-That's where you show
your ignorance, sir. The Fairplay
does not belong in Boston, neither
did the Comment come from there. |
Jinks-Why, w. L. Green is from
isn't he?
Mr.. C.-No, sir. He was born on
the 18th day of July, 1777, at half
past a. m, at Ballywag-on-Fine in /
the northeast corner of Kent, Eng
land, and came here in 1914, the !
year after did, and has lived here /
ever since, sir.
Jiuks-You don't say so Well. /
but there's Ashford, he come from /
Boston.
Mr.. C.-Well, 1 like that. Ash /
ford Why he's another Britisher. |
Born in Canada-both of 'em-and /
V. V. used TO shed his gore right
straight along as high private in the
rear rank of the regular British
srmy.
Jinks-Well, Thurston came from
Boston, or his father did, which Is
the same thing.
Mr. C.--That's where you are of
again. ThurstOn Is a straightout
hauaka. was born in Honolulu and
mis- father was before hIm-knOw
han, both cspnD tbay yrarA NDvS