The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1889-09-05
sTAUNTON VIRGINIA, THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER s. 1899.
The Stub-Tailed Cow.

Stories of President Lincolns keen
| humor are seemingly inexhaustible. One,
| which | think has never appeared in
print, comes from a man who held a
prominent office under Lincoln, and who
| knew the great statesman well. AT an
official ball some thieves made off with
many of the hats and overcoats of the
guests so that when the Presidential
| party was ready to take leave Vice-Pres-
ident Hamlin's head covering was not OF
be found
''I'll tell you what, Hamlin," said a
! friend, ''early in the evening | saw a
man, possessed of keen foresight, hide
his hat upstairs. | am sure he would be
willing to donate it to the Administra-
ton, and | will go and get it for you
When the hat was produced it was dis
covered to be very much after the styIe
affected by Hamlin, but it bore a badge
of mourning, which emblem the vice
President ripped off with his penknife
The party stood chatting merrily as they
waited for the carriages to be driven up
when man stopped directly in front of
MI: Hamlln and stood staring at the
tile with which his head was covered.
what are you looking at sir ~ asked
Hamlin sharply.
Your hat, answered the man mildly.
If it had weed on it | should say it
was mine"
We'll, it hasn't got a weed on it, has
it p asked the Vice President.
NO, sir" said the hatless man, A..
hasn't"
"Then it isn't your hat, is it % said the
proud possessor of it.
mo, guess not" said the man as he
turned to walk away. When this little
scene was explained to President Lin
@1,, 10 Ia,, l, ,.4.1
"That reminds me, Hamlin, of long
time ago when | was pioneering and sol
diering in Illinois and we put up Joke on
some officers of the United States Army.
My party and | were long way off from
the comforts of civilized life, and our
only neighbors were the garrison of
United States fort. We did pretty well
for rations, had plenty of salt meat and
flour, but milk was not to be had for love
or money, and as we all longed for the
delicacy we thought it pretty mean
that the officers of the fort, who had
two cows-a stubbed-tailed one and
black and white one-offered us no
milk, though we threw out many and
strong hints that it would be accepta-
bic. At last after much consultation we
decided to teach them a lesson and Dor
row or steal one of those COWS, Just as
you choose to put it. But how it codul
be done without the COW being at once
identified and recovered was the CUES
ton. At last we hit on plan. One of
our party was dispatched days ride to
the nearest slaughter-house, where he
procured long red cows tail to match
the color of the stubbed- tailed COW, after
possessing ourselves of which animal we
neatly tied our purchase to the pos
stub, and with appetites whetted by long
abstinence we drank and relished the
sweet milk which our COW gave. A few
days afterward we were honored by
call from the commander of the fort
Say, boys, said he, we have lost one of
our cows OF course we felt very sorry
and expressed our regret accordingly
But continued the commander, T
came over to say that if the COW of yours
had stub tail, should say it was ours
:" But she hasn't stub tail, has she?' "
asked we sure of our point.
mo, said the officer, she certainly
has not stub TAIL
'''Well, she isn't your COW then,' and
our argument was as unanswerable as
was Hamlin's.'