Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-07-07
WIT AND HUMOR,

les connected with ladies toilets are under
discussion, the bustles always come to the
| front.
The man who dies worth less than S5
will never have two widows putting in a
claim for his estate. Poverty has its ad-
vantages, after all.
When the modern prodigal son returns
to his fathers house he starts domestic
game of see-saw. Every time the young
man settles down the old man has to settle
up.
"Mrs. Smith, l am obliged to inform
] you that | am afraid your pies will break
my teeth" "Sirl l made pies before
f, you were born." THAT is Just what sus-
pected."
a Request.-An English country squire
who wished to make an entry at an agri-
cultural exhibition, wrote thus to the Sec
retary: Please put me down on your list
of cattle for calf"-Y Youths Conpaaion.
You went to the exhibition with
Bertha !? am sorry to say | did"
"Ah! She told me that everything she
saw there was hideous." "Yes: she spent
the whole time before the mirrors."-
Figaro.
No ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Peleg Ito hotel
clerk y" No, sir, don't stay in no hotel
whar l can't blow out the gahs. Haeow
in thunder dyer think Pm goin' to sleep
with all that light burnin' ?"-Boston
Record.
The quiescent and somnolent mud turtle
presents an appearance of luxurious ease
when he is stretched out on the sunny side
of log, but if you put your finger in his
mouth you will find that he hasn't such a
soft snap.
Bashful Youth-"Will you take this
chair, Miss Ethel?" Miss Ethel-"Oh,
no. 1t has no arm" Bashful Youth
(eagerly)-"I shall be most happy-ah-
to supply the deficiency, | assure you"
And he did.-London Iyd-Bits.
Brown" Have you cigar about you,
Griffiths?" Grifiths (dubiously) -"
don't believe have Searching his pock-
ets). Why, yes, there's one, and it's
good one, too. Do you happen to have
match, Brown?'-U Utica Observer.
The Victorian family at present con-
sists of seven children, all married, twenty
two grandchildren, fourteen cousins and
an aunt Yet, in spite of this royal flush,
Great Britain has not the pluck to stand
Pat.-BOston Commercial Bulletin.
Hardware Dealer-"Now, Mr.. Rusticus,
there's what | call bargain. That stove
has quick oven, and the draught is so
arranged that it will save one-half your
fuel" Mrs. R. (who is student of econo-
mics LA sakes, pa! why not get two,
and save all the fuel ?"
Mrs. De Style" Were you at church
last Sunday? didn't see you" Mrs. De
Fashion-"I saw you" did you How
did you like my new bonnet?'' "Oh, it
was perfectly lovely 1t came from Paris
Pm sure" "Yes, my dear friend, Mrs.
Devout, smuggled it in for me-"
The Sunday-school teacher had been
telling the class how honesty was better
than royal birth, and to test the force of
her remarks inquired: "Now, Johnny,
what is better than to be king ?" Johnny
was silent. 81 know" said the new pupil
Well, you may tell" "The right
bower"
Sunday school teacher Ito new pupiD-
We are taught by the Bible that when
some one smites us on one cheek we should
turn the other to him. Isn't that beau
tiful sentiment" "Yes, ma'am." "Now,
if an enemy were to smite you on one
cheek, what would you do?" "Pd pound
der top of his head off"
Great Statesman-''I have Just received
letter from my brother. He has failed
In business again. No matter what he
tries he fails utterly. Singular, isn't it?"
Ordinary citizen" Well, if he is too in
competent for any trade, business or pro-
|
into politics ?"-New York Weekly.
Omaha Belle-"Ma, do believe that
George is getting ready to propose"
Omaha Mamma" What inspires that
hope" Omaha Belle-''Well, last night
he asked me if Pa is doing well in busi-
ness, and when | told him that Pa is get
ting rich, he put his arm around me and
called me his silver star and his golden
hope"
Hotel Clerk (suspiciously =" Your bun
die has come apart. May | ask what that
queer thing is?" Guest" This is a new
patent fire escape. always carry it, so
in case of fire | can let myself down from
the hotel window. SeeY' Clerk Thought
| fully)-"l see. Our terms for guests with
fire escapes, sir, are invariably cash in ad-
vance"
Flossie is years old Mamma" she
asked one day, "if get married will
have husband like pa?" 'Yes," replied
the mother with an amused smile. "And
if don't get married, will have to be an
old maid like Aunt KateT "Yes,"
'Mamma"-after pause-''it's tough
world for us women, amt il t?'-Bingham-
ton Republican.
Anxious mother" wish, Susan, that
when you give baby bath you would be
careful 10 ascertain whether the water is
at the proper temperature" Susan
"Oh, don't you worry about that, ma am.
7 don't need no 'mometers. If the little
one turns red the water is too hot; if it
turns blue it's too cold, and that's all
there is about it."