The Mason County journal. [volume] (Shelton, W.T.) 1886-1927, 1889-08-30

nothing 10 signify. T heard his In
structions and received his prescription,
kindly rendered, like one in dream.
All doubt was now at an end, every ray
of hope banished; l was literally con-
demned to death. Il take an interest
in your case,'' he said, land will watch
it, l thanked him for formaIity's
sake, although his words brought me
about as much comfort as they would
have done spoken by . hangman
to the wretch he would soon have
to operate on officially. 1t was
as though he had said: go home and
die, my boy; I'll have much pleasure in
watching the symptoms and duly re-
cording them for the benefit OF the pro-
fession.'' l dragged myself YEARLY
back to the railroad depot, but l felt no
longer the slightest interest in any
thing that was happening around me.
was in the world, but no longer of the
world. Not until l had reached home
and retired for the night did l begin to
feel the whole horror of my situation.
Now it was the awful uncertainty of
the kind of death should die that hurt
me most. / knew should die linger-
ingly and in the full possession of my
senses. feeling the ebbing of my hearts
pulse and counting my latest breath.
As to any future state, had no hope at
all. 1 had lost all belief in the exist
ence of a beneficent Creator. | be-
lieved in the doctrine of chance, and
looked upon the existence of soul as
mere poetry and romance. | felt quite
convinced that nothing could exist in
dependent of matter; that height and
depth, and up and down, the points of
the compass, weight, sight and sound,
thought itself, and every principle or
so-called fundamental truth, had no
existence in the abstract, or "beyond
an earth" | believed in the after ex-
istence for the merely material part of
my body, but that would be sublunary.
Matter can not die, reasoned, and
shall live again-live again in the sum
nv air, in the dew that distils from the
clouds-live again in trees, in flowers,
and, perhaps, in some other form of
animal life, and here, amid all my
gloomy speculations, came the ridicu-
lous thought: II shouldn't like to be a
centipede, though, nor beetle, nor
anything creepy" For what was
life but changer What was change but
motion the result of force, force heat
in another form? And what was heat?
So 1 scared away, and got lost in the
realms of the abstruse. But it will be
thus seen that there was no alteration
of intellect, no wandering of hallucina-
ton. The brain was clear, though in
a high state of eXaltatiOn, and my rea-
son was similar to and the conclusions
arrived at the same as those of many
schools of philosophy-notably those
of Germany. And now there began to
dawn in my mind a feeling from which
l at first recOiled with horror. l con-
stantly saw in the distance the dread
necessity of suicide, for the time |
knew would soon come when l could
bear no more. AS further source of
comfort to me my medical adviser had
given ME little book, of which he was
the author-a book on disease of the
right side of the heart, and which de-
scribed very infinitely the different
modes of exit from this world specially
prepared for the poor wretches so af-
flicted. This book was bible to me for
many days. The easiest style seemed
to be to live all your life with contin-
ual congestive headache, and expire
some fine morning in fit. Then there
was sudden death by heart cramp or
paralysis. Oh, it was a merry volume!
For the first fortnight in December
never less than five drains of the hy-
drate Of choral was my nightly dose.
From the time l arose in the morning
my sufferings were extreme. | had
now lost all power of reading, writing
or speaking aloud, any attempt to do
either was eXcruciating brain agony,
and if persevered in fainting followed.
1 could hardly move my head from the
pillows or sit erect, while my eyes
seemed starting from their sockets if 1
attempted to walk. But toward night
well, if all of mental, all of bodily
suffering ever have endured in my
life could be compressed into one hour,
it would not exceed the torment then
underwent. Every vein in my body
inflamed along the whole length, while
the restlessness was so distressing that
l could not lie for five minutes in any
one position. Add to this that time
seemed Indefinitely long-minutes as
hours and hours as days-and you will
have some faint notion of my experience
of the ''grand remedy for sleeplessness
that had no after Effects
Then came day when my landlady
took fright and went of her own accord
for medical man to come and see me.
was worse that day than ever J had
been. This gentleman hardly stopped
minute with me, and as he went out |
heard him say to the landlady: You
ought to have sent for me before
weeks ago. He CAN'T last many hours
now" So, then, it had come at last.
was almost face to face with the grim
enemy. went quietly to bed and took
my choral. The doctor was to come
at ten in the morning and l was anx-
lously awaiting his arrival He came
at last. The first thing he did was to
glance up at the windows to see if the
blinds were down, and l think he was
disappointed that they were not. Ibid
not like this man, and Law nerfectlv
still, with closed eyes, when he came
in. He felt my pulse gently enough,
ana then stood looking at me for few
moments with his hands in his pockets.
wondering what you will put in nv
death certificate, Ell, doctor?" said /,
opening my eyes," Il am" he re-
Pied bluntly. ''Then,'' said I, ..here
Is the verdict-felo de Sc. Now, good
bye; can't bear talking" He went
away @.s accordingly s3is11a thinking; no doubt,
! was slightly distracted. Hardly
had the sound of this mans
carriage-wheels died away in the dis
lance when hale, hearty, bluff old
gentleman stepped into my room. He
was a medical mon lo oS&o..