News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-01-03
THE JOKERS' BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.

JEsTs AND YARNS BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Force of Habit-A Days Hours-How
lie FeIt-A Use for the Biscuits,
Etc, Etc.
FORCE OF HABIT.
Photographer Copying an old cray
on portrait)-Now, mine trent, will you
oplige by looking leedle bleasand, an
sid shust as you are Once q week.
DAYS HOURS.
"How many hours are there in q
day;" inquired the Enhoolma'am of
Johnny Stubbins in the geography
class.
"Ten, ma 'arn," ssadrsehnny, whose
father belongs to union "but therell
only be eight after 1890. Chicago Neeos.
HOW HE FELT.
Brown-So your girls father showed
you the door?
Jones He did.
Brown-How did you feel over it2
Jones-Well, felt put out.-Spring-
feId Republican.
USE FOR THE BISCUIT.
Mrs. Bryde-Dear me I've quite
spoiled that batch of biscuits. What
had better do-give 'em to the poor7
Mr.. Bryde-No, dear, no; not if you
love the poor. Just whittle them down
little, and save them to patch up rat
holes.-Judge.
WHAT PAPA OVERHEARD
Evangeline Gust after the "Yes')-
But you haven't told me a word about
your profession, Hector.
Hector-I'm Promoter, my dear, and
you've just helped me organize the oom-
pany. Your father shall be the president
and you the manager.
E7angeline-But where do you come
Hector-Oh, I'll be the receiver.
Puck.
NOT TO BE BOUNCED.
Vocalion-Miss Rasper is to join the
Screecher Opera Company, 1 under
| stand.
Stops-Yes, [ recommend her to Sig
nor Screecher.
Vocalion-But, my dear fellow, she
can't sing worth a cent.
Stops-I know that well enough; but
she was in my choir, aud you can't
bounce pretty girl simply because she
can't sing. g.-LOloeU Citizen.
HIS BUSINESS.
"What's your business, prisoner?"
asked the Judge.
81 am photographer, your honor"
| "It seems you are accused of stealing
this mans family album. Why did you
do that"
"Isn't a photographer one who takes
| photographs, your honor9"
"Ten days !''-ArgOsy.
DUEL WITHOUT DANGER.
Village Squire docking up from the
morning paper NJ. Paul Deronlede
and an N. Reinach have meg on the field
Bystanaer-Brenohd dusg9 /,
Village Squire-Yes sis.
Bystander (relieved)--I am glad it
was. Famous men are becoming too
scarce nowadays.
THE ANSWER SEEMS CORRECT.
"Papa," said little Johnny Cumso,
"the paper says, Tie people Mt large
think So. What does it mean by the |
people at large?'"
"Those not in JAIL" replied his sage
papa.
DETACHABLE"
Chow true 1t is, my dear" he said,
os he tenderly lifted lock of her hair,
" that thick, luxurient growth of hair
is woman's crowning glory"
Yes, indeed, George" she replied,
uneasily, "but please don't pull too
hard"
"Why, do I hurt you, darling?" he
"Ye-es, George"
LOVES LABOR LOST.
Tommy" said the teacher sternly,
"your writing is wretchei; it is nothing
but scrawl"
"Well, what's the use O. learnin' to
write at ALL" asked Tommy, "when
they are inventin' writin' machines al
most every day?"
A CHILLY EVENING.
Unwelcome suitor-That's a lovely
song! 1t always carries me away.
Shelf | had known how much plea
sure it could give us both, 1 should have
sung it earlier in the evening.-LJe.
THEY WENT.
"Now let s take look nt the Santa
rum, " said a tall Philadelphian who was
showing off the Quaker City to Chi
cago visitor.
81 don't care if 1 do" was the reply;
81 m just about as thirsty as l usually
get"
TO RAISE THE WIND.
Wife Ito husband)-John, what are
you going to give your uncle for birth
day presents
Husband-My watch.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.
De Thompkyns (who has been mar
rating an incident in his career)-Oh,
HDt no fool
Paperwate-N-n-no, you're no fool,
but enthusiastically what substitute
you would make
NO JUSTICE FOR HIM.
Prisoner Ito his lawyer)-Do you
think l will have Justice shown meG
Iawyer-I'm afraid you won't. You
see I've managed to get two men on
the jury who are opposed to capital
punishment. ...
VIRTUES AUXILIARY REWARD.
Garcon-Monsieur has given me
counterfeit twenty-five cents.
Monsieur-Is that SO? Well, keep
it for your honesty Time.
DEFINING TRICKLE.
"I thought you told me the water
wasn't running few minutes ago, Rob
bie," said mother to her six year-old
boy, ns she approached the water basin,
and found small stream of water com
ing from the faucet.
"Well, mamma replied little Rob
bic, pointing to the faucet, 81 don't
think you could say that water is run !
ming it's only walking. - Yonkers
Statesman. I
ANOTHER SURE CURE. :
Family Doctor-You wife needs out |
door exercise more than anything else. {
Husband - But she won't go out.
What am to GO2 E
"Give her plenty of money to shop
with. ''-Ne1o York Weeitg. [
A FRANK OPINION. !