News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-08-29
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Another Hotel Tragedy-Artistic
Shoes es-AstronomicaI Intelligence.

Another Hotel Tragedy-Artistic
Shoes-Astronomica Intelligence.
A REST PROMISED.
/ Minnie 1t is no longer fashionable
to have the ears pierced.
Mamie-So | suppose you won't be
called upon any more to sing, will you,
DEAR Terre Haute Express.
SATISFACTORY ADVICE.
'Doctor," said Sohker, chow would
i you treat man who was subject to dip
sOmania.
81 wouldn't treat him at all, replied
the doctor, after a moments considera-
ton: ''treating is the bane of our civil
i ization." and the applicant fer infor-
nation paid the usual fee and left the
Office Washington Capital.
1T WILL FILL BILL.
Cumso-I see that Edison hassinvent-
ed a machine by means of which per
sons face can be seen miles away.
Mrs. Cumso- Oh, how nice! You'll
get one, George, and then when we go
to the theatre you can see a man on the
street without leaving your seat.
ANOTHER HOTEL TRAGEDY.
Miss Crimple Ito clerk of Snake Greek
House)-Will You please send the porter
to our room, Mr.. Bigstud?
Clerk-Yes, ma'am; anything wrong?
Miss Crimple-Papa just shot a mos
quito, and we would like Patrick to car
ry it out.
ASTRONOMICAL INTELLIGENCE.
Telescope man Come up, gents, and
take look at the moon. Only ten
cents.
Countryman-Does it make the moon
look any bigger
Telescope man-Look any bigger?
Why, it brings. the moon so close that
you can read the signs on the board
fences.
HER MOTHER WAS RIGHT!&
Fanny (who lives across the street -
What caused you to give up your sing
ing, Ethel:
Ethel Scrcecher Oh, mother per-
suaded me to give it up. You see, Fan
ny, we are keeping boarders now.-
[Time.
HIS VACATION.
care you going away this summer
said one merchant to another.
"No. | am going to the store every
day; but l have made arrangements to
take a rest"
''How.'
Il took my advertisement out of the
paper"
ARTISTIC SHOES.
Old Fogy-These signs, Tonsorial Ar
tist, Artistic Tailor, or Halter, of Shoo-
maker, disgust me. Now, what ON earth
is there artistic about pair OF shoes?
Rip van Snorter-Well, have known
a pair to draw my feet. i New York
Sun.
C1RRsTONE PARALYSIS.
Policeman Well, doctor, can you do
anything for me-
Phvsician yes. sir, / think L can
bring Won ont att rfSrrt, 1t wIfa ta+te-
time however. You see it is a case of
long standing. Il Lowell Citizen.
IT WAS ALL THERE.
"That was a fine speech of yours,
Fangle, but there was one quotation
that mystifies me"
(Which was that2''
You said In the words of Web
ster, &c. Where did you get that 1t
is not in my edition of his works.
Il got those words out of the Una
bndged Dictionary, my friend.
KNEW WHAT HE WANTED.
us there anything l can do for you2 "
asked Mrs. Cumso, tenderly, when her !
husband was suffering from seaslckness. /
'What do you want
''l want the earth, gasped CumsO, |
as he again leaned over the rail.
THE IMPROVED METHOD.
Strolling Musician Can you give me
q few pennies!
Housewi e-But you haven't made any
music yet.
StroiIing Musician Certainly, but,
although my instrument is sadly out of
tune, | shall play unless you contribute
Housewife - How thoughtful and kind
of you. Here is q dollar Omaha
World.
MARINELY INGENIOUS.
Miss Duluth from the West, during
some very thick weather)-What is that
bell ringing for!
Mr.. MOI eton-Fog.
Miss Duluth should think people
could see it without having their atten-
ton called to it by gong. Judge.
AN OLD GOOSE.
Mrs. Startup Isn't that acquaintance
Of yourn Spaniard gentlemanl He's
so dark Completed, he must be.
Mr.. Startup No, my dear, he's
Portuguese.
Mrs. Startup-I wish, my love, that
you would be more particular about
your grammar. How can
one man be portuguese. You mean a
for the singular gender.
WE'VE BEEN THERE.
Jocose employer Patrick, under
stand you are a gentleman of good in
telcctual abilities. Can you tell me
what knight errant is :!
Patrick the proud father of twins)-
A noight errant, is it ! Sure it's mesilf
rs knows phat that is better nor any
other crayture. It's goin' for the doc
ther at wan o'clock in the marnin', sure
tbs.
HOW HE WAS CAUGHT.
Outcast p ease, mum, could you
help an unfortunate man who was
taught in an elevator and laid up for
six months.
Old La ly-Poor man; here's dollar
Tor you. How did you happen to get
'aught!
(Pocketing the dollar)-The police
wuz too quick for me, mum.
FOR FUTURE CONSIDERATION.
"My DEAR" said dying husband,
'do you think you will marry again
when l am gone.
81 don't know, John" replied the
adv, with burst of tears, Il haven't
given the matter very much thought as
yet"
A TERRIBLE DRAIN.
Mrs. Cobwigger-You surprise me
about that Young couple. l used to sec
hem quite often year or so ago, and
hen they were getting along quite
nicely.
Mrs. Brown But that was before ,
hey began buying things on the install :
ncnt plan.
OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT.
Mrs. McGinnis Ito landlord
yez think Dim goin' to pay rint fur
)lace loike this Jist look at the Wathcr
n that cellar, an see me poor chickuns
q is dhrounded.
Landlord tut, my good woman.