Waterbury evening Democrat., 1889-08-22
THE LIME-KlLN CLUB.
It's Doings as Reported by the
 Detroit Free Press Man.
Brother Gardner Explains Why He Changed His Mind Concerning Capital Punishment - Other Matters of
 Momentous Importance.

lieves in hangin' fur murder. We used to | so believe, but we doan' any mo. We has cum to de conclusion dat it is very wrong to | stranglc pusson to death simply because l he happened to kill somebody. We believe dat 0 murderer should be softly arrested, locked up in the jail parlor until he kin be tried, and dat de verdict of de joory should be not guilty on account of sof defense or insanity. On leaving de courtroom de pris oner should be given an ovation an wine supper, an at de next 'leckshun he should be given fat offs. Murder am all right. If you doan' like man kill him off an' git him out of de way. If you git down on family wipe lem out wid de ax. Punishin' mur- derer is all wrong, speshually hangn' him by de neck. If by some blunder de joory convicts, do Jedge should make de sentence about six months in an orphan asylum. Dis would gin dc murderer time for refeck shun, an he'd probably be dun sorry dat he killed somebody.
 "De seckretary will answer to de effeck dat dis club has undergone a change of opinyun, an dat it no longer believes in hangin' fur murder. It held to dat opinyun fur ten yars, an' steadily lost friends. It has come to pass dat not one of de fo'ty or fifty murders walkin around de State of Michigan will speak to a member of dis club, an we feel dat a change ot sentiment on our part is highly necessary. De status of dls club until fucher orders will be:
 "1. De embezzler didn't mean to, and his victim orter to settle fur fifty cents on de dollah an gin hlm certificate of character
 '2. De highway robber an burglar war driben to it by stern necessity, an instead of arrestin' lem de police orter take up contribushun for deir benefit.
 ''3. De murderer was temporarily insane, or he reckoned tho victim was gwine to shoot fust, or he did it in his sleep, or he felt it his dooty towards society. In any event he should not be convicted.
 "We will now attack de reg'lar order of blzness, an Samuel Shin will please keep watch of de thermometer an gauge de fiah in de stove to keep it at about 125 degrees" WILL TAKE THE RISK.
 Giveadam Jones said he arose in the in- terest of the 6,O0O,0OO colored people of the United States. He had culled from the newspapers during the last two weeks no less than seven instances where watermel- ons had exploded and wrought more or less havoc, and Tn each instance they were in the hands of colored men. Had the time come when the watermelon was an element of danger to life and limbs Was it to descend ! into history along with the kerosene gan l and the Washington pie! If the time had come when a colored man walking home ward with watermelon under hls arm was ! liable to be driven through the sidewalk by | an explosion, or family group ran the risk l of being blown through the roof of their ! cabin, then life had no further charms for him. He would move that committee be ! appointed to investigate and report. II will appint as sich committee " replied | the president, "Brudders Jones, Bebee an Watkins, an l will gin it as my personal | opinyon dat III de meantime we had better | take all risks an keep right on devourin' de l mellyons."
 AN ABUSED FRUIT
 l Some time since the Seventeenth Assist l ant Commissioner of Agriculture request l cd that Q committee of the Lime-Kiln Club l investigate the cucumber, and report as to whether the general abuse heaped upon 1t | was well founded or a mlstake The mat ! ter was referred to Colonel Timothy Sago, l chairman of the committee on agriculture, | and he now announced his readiness to TO- ! port His committee had traced the cucum- Der back to t he year 1462, and had followed l it's progress to date. It had investigated the long green cucumber and the short sky. | blue cucumber, and it had dissected all | sizes and makes and varieties, and eaten ! them raw and served up. Over one hun- | dred authorities had been consulted, and ! not one instance had been found where tho
 cucumber had produced tho least harm to
 any human being. Where cases of collie l were alleged it had been found that the vic ' tlIu uau UcVOurSu u uOZcu dppleS, QranK q | pint or more of ice water, ate q cocoanut or
 two and then topped of with a cucumber. | Standing by itself 1t was as harmless as q | June sunbeam, and 1t was fondly believed
 that rubbing the luico of the fruit over the
 soles of the feet would cure chilblains.
 Brother Gardner thanked the committee | for its jealous labors in behalf of a down. | trodden product, and on motion of Sir Isaac
 Walpole it was resolved that the attention ' @f Al~ I1<~ ,l.,<,, l,o ll,.l
 port.
 | FALSE ALARM
 Judge Cahoots arose with the remark
 that he had the interests of ten thousand
 colored men at heart. He had been in-
 formed through reliable sources that the ! agent of the torpedo chicken had been | working Detroit on the quiet for the last ! two weeks and that he had disposed of
 some two hundred machines. He could not
 doubt that tho report was true, and he felt | it his duty to sound Q note of warning be
 fore some calamity occurred.
 ''I call dat gem'len to order, sah!' ex-
 claimed Rev. Penstock, as he bobbed up and
 interrupted the judge
 Estate yer pint!' replied the president
 "Bekase. sah, 1t arr an insult to dis club
 to intimate dat any of it's members would
 steal chickens"
 'Brudder Penstock, you allus fah up red
 hot at de namc of chicken, an you ar' allus
 wrong in yer argument Instances hev bin
 known whar' cull'd men hev lifted chickens
 out O white mems coops. You will find lem
 recorded in standard history. hev nc
 doubt dat odder instances will also be
 known. While I doan' suppose dat any l member of dis club would so far forgit his
 sell as to steal chickens, de judge is wise iu makin' his announcement. A Kentucky man has invented a torpedo in de form of 6
 fat bullet. Seen on de roost in de dimness
 of night it can't be told from living fowl
 You reach up fur it, and dar am a pun
 an bang! an your hull hand is blown off
 Your pint Is decided to be badly tooken, an
 de thanks of dis club arr due to Jedge Ca ! hoots."
 ! Ty,o nf Fla