News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-09-12
THE JOKERS' BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
No Agents - LUCKNOW He Pre-
mark-Knew Too Much.

mark-Knew Too Much.
WHAT HE WAS.
Yowler-I don't know whether I am
an attractive man or not, bat to-day |
had at least fifty ladies wave their hand
kerchiefs at me on the street.
Howler-Oh, you must be firt
Yowler-No, I'm n horse-car con-
ductor, and these ladies wanted to get
on my car. Il Lawrence American.
WANTED THEM SEPARATE.
''See here, my good lady," said Bach
elor Tompkins, coming down stairs,
after his first night at his new boarding
/ house, and feeling as if he had been
sleeping on the sidewalk, 'haven't you
a dining room p
Certainly, sir. this way, if you
| please"
''But when I asked you to furnish me
with bed and board didn't suppose I'd
have 'em both i'll my own apartment. >
Detroit journal.
HARD MATTER.
"There's one thing that's hard to I'M
derstand."
"What is that2"
"Why, it is that in this era of trusts
it is so extremely hard TO get trusted
Merchant Traveller.
A MARTYR To Duty.
Mother (suspiciously)-Ify you haven't
been in swimming, how did your hair
get so wet?
Little Dick - That's pcrspiration
runnln' away from bad boys wOt wanted
me to disoboy You nm go i'll swimmin.'
Il New York Weekly.
NOT THE ONE SHE WANTED.
Dcaler-What kind of novel would
you like2 Here's one that has been
well received by the critics, and they
all say that il is book that cyery ono
ought TO read.
Yonng lady-TIlat is just the book I
don't want. Havo you any that the
public is advised not to read q Omaha
World.
First Tramp Some folks is born
lucky Rem Der Bill Soaks2
Second Tramp Yep.
First Tramp He got into Swcipier's
brewery the other night an was
drownded in beer vat. New York
Weekly.
NERVOUS AND TENDER-HEARTED.
Conductor, what was tlat2" asked
nervous old lady as tho wheels of the
coach made little more jar than usual.
"We went over a iow frogs just them"
he replied
"Most likely squashed The poor things,
too, she said with tremnr in her
voice. i uarpcr's Bazaar.
NO AGENTS.
Mr.. Wayside T. RavolIor-Cnn you
give me something To cat, madam
Aunt Martha O;Itcnko-(io long with
you 1t isn't five minutes since nuOthcr
tramp was hero.
Mr.. Wayside T.. Ravcller--YOu do
not suppose, madam, that ! am one of
his agents, come to impose upon you n
second time No, indeed l make this
request i'll my individual capacity.
vERACIOUS BOOMERS.
Slumpcr Just got back from Kan
sas, have You? Well, how does the
land lie out there
Sl;mper-Not half so bad as the
boomers do. Lend me q dime, will
yoI !-[ Lawrence American.
KNEW TOO MUCH.
Bobby-My papa's richer'n yourn.
Tommy care, mine knows
more; mamma told him yesterday he
knew too much.
NOT THAT VARIETY OF BULB.
'sOh, am the flower that blooms in
the spring." sang an intoxicated indi-
vidual as he lay ON the sidewalk
"You don't seem to possess the self
raising qualities" said the cop who
gathered him in charleston Is. Co.
World.
TuEY ARE HOLLOW.
There is probably Just as much real
sincerity in tho kisses which the crowned
heads are exchanging over in the old
country as there is in the kisses which
the women exchange who haven't seen
each other since yesterday II Burling-
ton Free Press.
ALBERT EDWARDS REMARK.
Gazzam-Do You know the favorite
remark of the Prince of Wales?
McCorkle No; what is it !?
Gazzam-It's a long time between
coronatiOns.-[Li Life.
"No"
s'You look positively happy, Dolly"
Negatively happy, my dear. L have
just rejected Tom Barry"
ANTICIPATED HIM.
Fond Father-Sir, my daughter is
the apple of my eye. She shall con-
tinue under her fathers wing.
Won Ga'l-Thanks. / was just going
to speak about that. Can you give us
the northwest wing.-[Epoch.
IN DANGER.
Boy-Mamma, am I made out of
onions, sage, sorrel and bread crumbs
Mother-Mercy, no! What do you
mean?
Boy-Johnnie Jones said he was
going to knock the stutfing out of me.
AN INTERESTED DECISION.
Rev. Primrose have very kind
father, little boy. L heard him say it
was a shame to punish children.
Little Johnnie - He only says that
when ma does the licking. II brakes
Magazine.
PRETTY DECEIT.
When maidens greet
Upon the street
Exchanging love and kisses, too,
You must admit,
At sight OF it,
Now, Here's pretty how-de-do."
-lPhiladelphia Press.
COLD FACTS.
The girl for whom you risk your life
By plunging in the water,
Is sure 10 be another's wife,
And not a rich mans daughter.
SLY.
Alonzo-You know how passionately
fond of smoking | used to be-but now
my wife can not tolerate smoking in the
house.
Rudolpho-My wife wouldn't have it
either at first; but [ had her picture
painted on my pipe from photograph,
and ever since she fills my pipe regular
ly herself. - Wasp.
PLEASURES OF THE IMAGINATION.
Jawkins-Gt's time to begin to think
of Fall clothing.
jack BGrrowit- and that's about
as far as III ever get in the matter.
HOW He PREFERRED HER.