The Irish standard., 1889-08-24
HUMOROUS DRIFTWOOD.

Young wife latter visitors have gomez
why ,ithey didn't eat a bit of my cake
Husband. You ought not to hay
told them that you made it,"
'The thermometer and the coll egg
graduate resemble each other Thu
morning." said Squildig.
I'm what way?" asked Mrs. Squildig
'sThey get there by degrees"
Enterpris1ng Merchant. James, jus1
mark up the:price on those light over
coats.l0 per cent" Ten per cent, sir?'
eyes; I'm going to advertise them al
special bargains for Tuesday,"
.sHas McCorkie told you that hair
raising story Of his?'
mo, is it thrillingF"
mot particularly. It's merely his
account of cultivating his moustache.'
A Henry George party has been es-
tabIished in South Dakota. AS cyclones
are apt to blow away almost everything
in Dakota at any moment it IS thought
that the only thing that is safe to tax is
land.
Chicago sport. ''Our base ballists
have become too honest for any use, all
Of sudden"
Friend. Why do you think so?
Sport, OF late not one Of them can
be induced to even steal a base.
Mr.. Youngcouple. What is this cake
you have made, darling?
Mrs. Youngcouple. A pound cake,
sweetest.
Mr.. Youngcouple. I think there
must be something the matter with the
scales.
"What an awfully small mouth Miss
Bagby has," remarked Jennie.
':That is only a deceptive trick she
has acquired,'' replied Miss SNYDER,
.You ought to just see her out in the
YARD on wash day with FIVE clothes pins
in her mouth"
Jay Gould says he worked hard to
get his money"
"Those who know him talk different
ly."
Tin what way?''
"They say he worked hard to get
other folks money.
Jones. Congratulate me, old fellow.
Miss Dashaway has agreed to marry
me.
Smith. / do, indeed, Jones. Glad
you're coming iuto the family.
Jones. Coming into the family?
Smith. Yes; Dashy is sister to me.
The man who is busy working doesn't
have time to read up on the subject of
capital and labor, and the man who
puts in his time in reading on that
subject doesn't have time to work.
That's why no one reaches complete
COMPREHENSION of the difficulty.
..Charley," said young Mrs. Toker.
II wish you would quit taking the
Daily Express and take the Evening
Journal"
"Do YOU like the Journal best?"
Yes, much the best. It is so nice
and large to put under carpets when we
clean house."
ssNEu pono,e orot Coma new horses and
anice new brougham.'
"Wel, my papa's going to buy a new
yacht
And my mammals got lovely new
piano."
"Well-w-well,m my mammals got q
cook that has stayed two weeks!''
The leaning tower of Pisa is to he
sold by lottery" remarked Souildlg.
II wonder why the municipality does
borrow money and give a mortage on
it instead of parting with it outright. y
"Probably,'" replied McSwilligen,
1.-THE tower would fall if another lien
were placed on it."
A man at Monticello, Fla, claims to
have tree which bears ounces, pears,
and apples. But that's nothing re-
markabie. A man in this town has a
tree which bears apples, sweet potatoes,
pears, onions, and pumpkins. 1t is an
axle-tree. The species OF the Monticello
mans tree is not given.
A repeating rifle in which noiseless
powder is used is the latest invention
reported. What.a curious spectacle it
would be to see two armies moving
each other down without any noise. II
noiseless brass bands, when practicing,
could be invented, the cup of human
happiness would be full.
Bankrupt's wife: well, at any rate,
the Thompson failure was worse than
ours!'
Sympathizing friend Why, I
thought it was just the other way"
Rankrupt's wife: "NO, indeed; Ed