Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-04-19
BUDGET OF FUN.

A CHEAP way to lay Ia coal-Sleep ~
the coal bin.
a PLUM-PUDDNG on the table is
worth two in the stomach.
WEAK men are never over-bold, but
they are often bOwled over.
We cannot all be as wise as Solomon,
but we can all stop pretending that va
are.
A BORE is like the traditional hoop.
snake-Usually has q long tale Of him.
self in his mouth.
THE philosophy of everyday life
proves that many tailor-made girl can
take the cOnceit out of a self-made
man.
An exchange speaks of a woman as
being the only one left of her family.
| But how can q woman be the only sir
vivor
JUDGE-If I got as intoxicated as
you do I'd shoot myself. Prisoner-If
you Wss 3 tossicated as / am you could
not hut barn door.
SNAGGs-I see an EImira minister
preached last Sunday on What can I
do to be saved ?" Jaggs- Seems to me
one of the first moves would be to get
out of EImira
WOMAN is rarely able to sharpen a
/ lead pencil or drive nail In the proper
/ way, but she generally knows how to
manage a husband and that's a good
deal tougher job.
EMPLOYER say that your habits
are all correct. Applicant-Ye sir.
Employer (after moments pause)-
! Do you drink? Applicant absent
minded Thanks. Don't care if I do.
For the sake of Iong-suffering hui
10,
Edison viii never invent any sort Of a
machine which viii enable people to
hear what is said about them behind
their backs.
WIFE (reading morning paper)-
Why, the Mormans actually still claim
the right of having two, three, and
| sometimes four wives at once. Husband
Why, at that rate, how can a man
ever hope to be a widower.
FATHER (who has given his consent)
Il hope, young man, that you know the
/ value Of the prize you Will get in my
! daughter? Young man-W ell-er-nO,
sir; L don't know the exact value; but
/ as near as / can find out, it's in the
neighborhOOd of $50, 600.
I HAVE received the following com
! plant: "In the poem which I sent you
! the prOOf-reader made me say hunger
! ing regret, whereas, / wrote lingering
! regret. That's all right. The proof
! reader understands that q poet is a good
! deal more apt to hunger than he is to
finger.
FOGG (arguing with BrOwn)-I tell
! you prohibition viii never prohibit. If
/ they pass the constitutional amend
ment we shall have free rum. Mrs. r.
| Suddenly interested)- 20, that'u be a
! great saving to you, won't it, David?
| You'll be able to buy me the sealskin
sack next winter.
BNKs' Coachman (colored) II
thought you sayed yoah folks was so
| dog gone rich. Jinks' C0achman (Celtic)
SO they are, ye black devil. Binks,
! COachman-Huh! 1 guess not I looked
| in de winder las night an seen two
! oh de young ladies playin' on de same
! PLAINLY. Guess you all has ter econo-
mize.
"AH. she said, with a tremulous VIZ
bratOry little sigh, "true happiness is
something that is rarely experienced,
isn't it?" "Yes," he replied, rarely,
and yet I have known it. "When?"
! This evening. with me?" Eyes;
about five minutes ago, when you told
me that your father was laid up with
! rheumatism in his right leg"
A 1EAIDEN-s PRAYER.
| A maiden Of uncertain age
! To catch q husband did engage;
! And having passed the prime Of lie
| In striving to become q wife,
Beneath an oak this ancient maid
knelt down, aud ferYently she prayed:
Send, send q husband, Lord sbs cried,
While yet L may become bride.
Else IN die without early love
And none to meet me in Heaven above"
just then an owl, perched up the tree,
In deep, bass tones cried, "NVhOol ali whee27
And dOsJ Thou ask me, good Lord, who?
Why, any man, dear Lord, will do
-WasIjngtOR Critic.
FIRST department official Cat Wash
ington)- had strange experience
to-day-strange Second department.
oficial-YOu look as if you'd seen a
ghost. Come, tell me the story; any
thing to relieve the mOnOtOny ut is
not ghost story. It's all flesh and
blood "Well, well Out with it"
"a man came to me to-day to ask about
q matter which couldn refer to any
other department, and actually had to
attend to it myself
Bird GET-The nurse saws, mum, that
yez Wort in the kitchen while I worr
out? Mistress (timidly) YVES, Bridget.
Bridge -Yis-indade, mum; an what
Wud We think If I whit into your hood
war when ye wOrr out? Mistress more
timidly)-I should think it strange.
Bridget Bridget (mollifying a little
as she skaters a piece of Sevres on
the dOOr)-Well, mum, but hereafter
if yez viii stick to your own part Of the
house OH stick to mine.
PATS PAT ANSWER.