The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1889-09-05
A WORD OF WARNING.
Hlo1,itowof pilot.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1885
TWAlN'S FUNNY REPORT.
How Stupid Compositor Kindly Spoiled
One of the Humorists Best Efforts,

NO" said Mark Twain a week or
two ago as he sat in his room at the
Murray Hill Hotel and dreamily watch
ed the smoke from the pipe which he
was smoking. mo; | would not say
that it was the best thing that l ever
wrote, but [ remember that | was
pretty proud of it at the time and was
decidedly disappointed when it didn't
come out the next day. / didn't know
until you told me that the story had
ever reached this part of the country.
But you haven't got it just right; it
wasn't the foreman at all; it was a
fool of compositor who ruined the
story. Poor devil! l suppose he is
dead now, and it doesn't much matter
what we may say about his stupidity.
But lie Vas certainly an awful fool.
You have one part of it right,
continued the humorist. at happen
ed when | was reporter on the Vir-
ginia City Enterprise. | was assigned
to report dinner given by party of
some of the most notorious hard drink
ers in the town, and Virginia City was
not supporting many temperance peo-
that the dinner was going to resolve
itself into glorious drunk, and the
result proved that everybody was
right. OF course | didn't want to be
too hard on the boys inreporting their
dinner, and yet, as truthful reporter
| had to give the public to understand
just what had taken place there. In a
happy moment | conceived the idea of
conveying this information in deli
cate way without really saying all
hands were drunk. My plan was TO
begin my report in the regular cut and
dried way. After giving a few sem
fences in this way grew little more
careless in my style. Gradually | be-
came more and more mixed up in my
language until at last the words were
written without any real or apparent
connection with each other. l tried
my best to give the reader the idea
that as | wrote the report | became
more and more intoxicated, until |
wound up in stupidity drunk condi-
dition. was greatly interested in
carrying out this plan as naturally as
l could, and when after an hours hard
work the report was finished l felt
that | had written the very funniest
thing that ever appeared in that
paper. The copy went out without
being read, and the first part of it was
set up just as | had written it.
The fool composItor got hold of the
last part, and, Of course, couldn' make
head or tail out of it. Instead of set
ting it up as he found it and leaving
the rest to the proof-reader or editor,
he made up his mind that | had really
been drunk when | wrote it. He was
a kind-hearted man and he never liked
to see one of the boys in trouble. So
he calmly proceeded TO change my
copy and put in little connecting
words so as to make sense of it. 1t
was all done with the kindest inten-
tons in the world. He didn't want TO
see me discharged for being drunk.
Then he destroyed my copy so that it
couldn't be brought in evidence of my
damaging guilt.
Il wouldn't care to say how fear
fully disappointed l was when l pick
ed up the Enterprise the next day and
looked for my funny report. 1t was
as coldly stupid rs a l0-year-old patent
office report. | wept scalding tears
and left the office. On the street met
the compositor who had taken such
pains to fix my story for me. He
looked SO happy when he told me how
he had been the means of keeping me
out of trouble with the manager of the
paper that | hadn't the heart to tell
him what fool he actually was. l
was sorry afterwards that | didn't do
SO, however. for | discovered that for
years he told the story of now he had
saved me from disgrace in half of the
newspaper offices west of tie Missis-
sippi river. lie was an old man, and
SO J think he must be dead by this
time. If he isn't he is probably telling
"a l. H-.n,.siAr, .af th.n ....n,.,. - :,