Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1889-07-03
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

tDoEs the captain say whether we
shall break the record or not?" Eyes.
He says that the record or the boiler
must CO." "How lovely l"-Munsey's
Heekly.
BRIDeEr-"Wel, Patrick, phwat do
yez think of the new masther?" Pat
rick-"Faith, Bridget, he would be a
foine, handsome man av it wasn't for
his face" -Burlington Free Press.
SCRIPTURE shows us how and when
the children of Israel learned so well the
art of making both ends meet. It was
when they were in the desert and the
soup at the same time.-Terre Hdute
Express.
THE difference between missions and
home church work is this: At home
ministers live off their congregations,
but in mission fields the congregations
live off the missionaries Pittsborg
Chronicle.
HAD had all he wanted (Solicitously)
"Grindstone, stop moment. That's a
fearful cold you have. Are you taking
anything Tor it?" (Hurrying on Mot
in the shape of advice, Kiljordan. y
Chicago Tribune.
reputation-a trihe nearl =" Bobby,
what would you do if were to give you
bright new silver dollar?" Bobby
with a gasp)-"I'd bite 1t, uncle, to see
if it was good. "-Horper's Bazar.
FRESH barber, (shaving customer)
WHO is that old hen going along the
other side of the street, with hustle
on her like boxing glove ?'' Custom
er (rising deliberately and looking
''That? Oh, she's my wife. "-LoueU
Citizen.
LITTLE schoolboy-" Mamma, you said
if I'd bring you reward OF merit you'd
give me new knife.' Mamma-"Y es,
my pet. Here it isl "But this has
Tommy Toodle's name on it." Eyes,
m; traded him my cd knife for it. y
Hdrper's Bazar.
Ella How do you like Mr.. Mash :?
/ hear he called the other night"
Ethel-"I think he's tearfully horrid.
He asked me if could play on the pi-
ano, and l told him l couldn't play
much" And what then?" THAT
was all. "-New York Sun.
FRIEND-"That sun In your last paint
ing is very natural" Artist-"Yes, al
together too natural" Friend-"Why
do you say that?" Artist-"Because it
dries up the water in that pond SO last
that [ have to paint new water every
Two we'll known clergymen lately
missed their train, upon which one of
them took out his watch. and finding it
to blame for the mishap, said he would
no longer have any faith in it. But"
said the other, Isn't ita question not of
faith but of works ?"-Licing Church.
MAMMa Cat the matinee )-"Well,
Johnny, this is the first time you have
ever seen tragedy. Doesn't 1t make
you feel bad to see the leading charac-
ters killing themselves off in this way ?"
Johnny with a yawn)-"Yes, they're
SO blamed slow about it, mamma. y
Chicago Tribune.
"WHAT is an echo?" asked the teach
er of the infant class. Its what you
hear when you shout" replied the
youngster SIS it caused by hill or
hollow?" again asked the teacher.
Both" was the ready reply. "How
SOP" "The hill throws back the hol-
Ter. "-Btnghamton Republican.
In one of the Boston clubs is an old
and notably fine painting, ''The Boar
Hunt" At dinner the other evening
the conversation turned on one of the
other clubs, and a witty doctor re-
ture. "Well, there's no need to hunt
boars in that club !''-Boston Gazette.
MCCoRKLE-"I was surprised to hear
that you had taken a German course,
McCrackle." McCrackle--"A German
course Who told your" McCorkle-
"Jimsod told me. / think the language
will be of great benefit to you. Nc
Crackle-"Language nothing! What I
took was lager and limburger." -Epoch.
Mr.. SLICK (innocently) -"I never went
home drunk in the whole course of nv
life" Mr.. Coldwater (congratulatory)
-''Ah, that's good. I'm glad to hear it,
and [ hope you never will" Mr.. Slick
-"WelI, / won't unless the patrol
wagon is off duty some night and
strange cab driver gets onto me."-
Washington Critic.
DETERMINED to run the risks-Citizen
Here, cab !" Cabman Cooking at
him critically it reception, sir pr
Citizen tangriIy) = ''What difference
does that make TO you?" Cabman-
"All the difference in the world, sir.
You're in tull dress. fits reception
advance, sir. Chicago Tribune.
EMMA NEVADA. the American prima-
donna, in a letter written from Paris,
states that there was "a plot to assassi-
nate her in Spezia by blowing up the
opera house with dynamite" This will
recall Artemus Wards refusal to hand
his new seventeen dollar watch over to
the hotel clerk to put in the fireproof
for safe keeping. He said the clerks
scheme was 10 appropriate the watch,
burn the hotel down during the night,
and swear that the timepiece was lost in
the fames.-Norristown Herald.
WIFE-"John, I wish you'd GO into
Coffee & Co.'s when you're down town
and see why they haven't sent up the
groceries I ordered by postal card two
days ago. It's shameful to neglect my
order so. Just give them a real hard
scolding, won't you, John?" Jokn-"I
shall 60 there and see Mr.. Coffee him.
self about it." An hour later)-"Mr.
Coffee, here's an order on this postal
card that I've carried in my pocket two
days. Iwish you would get the goods
up to the house early this morning; will
y ou, please ?"-Epoch.