The Washington critic. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1889-1889, 1889-04-10
MARK TWAIN'S LATEST SPEECH.

Tho sneccb of Mari, Twain NJ tho dinner
given n, Delmonico,s In honor Of the Chi
caeo and An. American ball PLAYERS was a
good one. Mfr. Twain said:
although not native. as intimated by
tho chairman. I have visited. n great many
vcars ooo. the Sandwich Islands-tbat peace-
ful land. that beautiful land. that far-ofY
home of profound repose and soft indo-
lence and dreamy solitude. whose life Is one
long, slumbcrless Sabbath, the climate one
long delicious summer day, aud the good
that die experience no change, for they but
fall asleep in one heaven and wake up in
another. And these BOYS. have PLAYED base
ball tbere-baseball. which is tho very
symboI. tho outward and visible expressiop
of,tbe drive and pnsh and rush and strur.
gle of the rapiuq. tearing. boominpa nine
teenth century, Oue oannot realize "a. the
place and the fact ere so inconpruous: tia
like interruptinp funeral with n circus.
Why. there's no legitimate point Of con-
tnct. no uosslble kiuship. between base,
hall and the Sandwich TsIands. baseball Il
alI fact. the islands all sentiment. In base.
hal, vo,,,ve oot 10 do overvtbIno inst r,rb,
or YOU DON'T ret there, In the islands vou,ye
rot TO do everything lust wrong or Won
can't STAY there. You do Il wrong 10 ret
II right, for II YOU do IL riaht Won get it
wrong: there isn,t any wav 10 vet n right
hut to do H. wrong. and the wronner YOU do
IL tho Fighter H. Ia
"The natives. illustrate this every dav.
They never mount n horse from the lar
hoard side, they always mount him from
tho starboard: ON the other hand. thew
never milk a cow ON the starboard side.
tbey always milk her on tho Iarboard. ia
why Won see 40 mauv short neonle tbero.-.
they've got their heads Kicked of. When
thew meet ON tho road thew don't turn out
to the right. thew turn out TO the left. and
SO. from always doing everything wrong.
end first that way, 1t makes them left
handed--left-handcd and cross-eyed. They
are all so. When a child is born the mother
goes right along with her ordinary work.
without losing half day--it,s the father
| that knocks off and goes to bed TIL he pots
over the circumstance. And those natives
don't trace descent through the male line,
but through the female. They say they al.
ways know who child's mother was
Well, that odd system is well enough
there, because there a woman often has as
many as six or seven husbands, all at the
same time, and all properly married TO her,
and no blemish about the matter anywhere.
oYet there is no fussing, no trouble.
When child is born the husbands all meet
together in convention, in perfectly or
derly way, and elect the father. And the
whole thing is perfectly fair; at leastas
fair as it would be anywhere. or course
| you can't keep politics out--you couldn't
do that in any nycountry- and so, If three Of
the husbands are Republicans and four are
Democrats, 1t don't make any difference
now strong Republican aspect the baby
mas got, that election is going Democratic
every time. And In the matter OF that cleo
uon tnose poor people stand at the proud
aititude OF tnevery mghest Christian civil
ixauon,f Tor tney Knox, as well as-we, that
oil women are ignorant, and 50 they don't
allow tnat mother TO vote
| I'm those Islands the cats haven't any
| tails and the snakes haven't any teeth, and
what's still more irregular, the manlthat
loses a game gets the pot. And as to
dress, the native women all wear single
garment, but the men don't. No, the men
don'twear anything atall; they hate dis
play; when they even wear; smile they
think they are overdressed. Speaking
| Of birds, the only bird there that has
! ornamental feathers has only two, jnst
barely enough to squeeze through with, and,
they are under its wings instead Of on top
Of its head, where, Of course, they ought to
| be to do any good. IA r
"The native language 10 soft and liquid
and flexible, and in every way efficient and
satisfactory-till you get mad; then, there
YOU are; there isn't anything In It to swear
with. Coed Judges all saw II ia the best
SUNDAY language there is,l but then all the
other six days In the week II lust hangs
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