The Helena independent., 1889-12-27
THE GREAT CAT SCHEME.
The Project of Col. William G. Blood
Soon to Be Launched
Upon the World.
When Furnaces Have Closed and
Mines Shut Down, the Coloners
Ideas Will Live.
Sable Skins, Sausages aud Oysters TO he
simultaneously Produced on
Desert Island.

sab. and don't you forget ii.
The colonel drained his glass, and the
members Of the Sheffield Mutual Improve
ment Society waited with bated breath TO
hear the latest scheme of the colonel's un-
folding. "The great and sovereign state of
Alabamy," continued the orator, helping
himself TO second modicum OF the old
stuff, twill owe a lasting debt of gratitude
TO Col. William G. Blood when the Great
Cat Island project is launched upon the sea
of time. Yes, sab. il will, sab. Long after
Manchester has rotted away beneath the
liberated tooth of age; long after Birming-
ham has bust. sah, her mines exhausted, her
furnaces stopped, and after Decatur Flor
ence, Admission and Gadsdcn are places of
the past, the star of Sheffield will still be in
the proud ascendant and the name Of Blood
will shine more and more unto the perfect
day"
The colonel paused. Born and bred in a
school of oratory which knew the value Of
long and eloquent pnuses, he softly stirred
his brain caresser while allowing the lull
effects of his exordium to be felt IN the more
sluggish brains of his fellow citizens. The
5. M. /. 5 has been in existence some years.
IL has not yet succeeded in catching on, 1t
had been formed at the beginning of the
great southarn boom, and It's end and aim
had been to improve the condition of the
various members by means of some grand
and money-making scheme which should
tempt that plentiful but illusive thing,
northern capital, to the most glorius but
hitherto unappreciated center Of Sheffield.
Ala.
The model city, the iron every-man-for-
himself mill, the wonderful marble mines,
the gold excitement, were all sprung on an
unsuspecting public in vain. The unsus-
pecting public did not bite. gigantic
stock farm. the stock being 10000 certili-
Gates of par value of SlOO cash, and sup
posed 10 represent money invested III
gigantic farm or ranch for the raising of
b.ooded horses and cattle, was evolved from
the brain Of the indefatigble Col. Blood,
and was put on the market and doomed ex-
tensively by an honest firm of Quaker
bankers in the city of Philadelphia; but the
purchasers were 80 few that the bankers
gobbled everything and moved the ranch TO
Montana.
The great Cooperative cotton company
was launched and sunk. The Alabama Con-
federate scrip phrensy, though 1t nearly
gave the colonel deirum tremens, caused
little or no fever in the veins az which II
was aimed. In short, the s. Nj. |. 5. was in
fair way toward dissolution, and the mem-
bers thereof were ON the verge of despair,
when Colonel Blood brought new courage
by announcing that he had invented or dis
covered the scheme for which Sheffield had
been created-the scheme which she had
waited for Though all these weary years.
A meeting was promptly called and the
colonel had the door. The Great Cat
Island project, he informed his hearers, was
the title of the new, improved, warranted
not-to-fail scheme.
"You see, boys" said the colonel, assum-
ing a more conversational tone, Its just
about here. You've all hoared about lynx
skins. All the 90 in the fashnable world.
Can't supply the demand. Big price for
'em. And, what do you thinkf Every one
of them made from the skins of cats-of
black cats, sab. Well, now. begad sab, look
here. You know the island in the river,
seven miles long by one-hRlf wide. and two
miles from AIRY shorey Can't grow burned
thing on il, only swamp grass and sich.
That's the island part of the plan. All we
got TO do is stock il with cats-black cats
an wait fur natur TO do the rest. Seeg'
The colonel oiled his mouth with about
two fingers, lolliug the friendly fluid about
on his tongue and lubricating all parts Of
his talking machine.
'One hundred thousand cats for starter-
won't cost cent-people glad TO give 'em
TO family, two litters year, accidents, in-
cidents, double marriages and death by duel
or drowning, ought 10 make one million the
first year, fourteen the second and two thou
sand million the third. Then we can begin
TO butcher. Or shall say trap and hunt.
"Protitsr All, who can guess emf Mlrac-
ulous Half a million lynx skins, 20 cents
green or 81 each tanned $1,000 pounds Sc
lected meat for imported bologna sausage
a An nantl tla rAnnnH IN lan ruahita aud
squirrels, at - cents the PAIR; 5000 wolf
scalps TO send TO Texas hunters. mt ~ cents
apiece: 5000 tons of Excelsior fertilizers:
1000 fiddle strings, but, gemmen, desist
Kun the figures over in your heads; IT'S a
grand scheme, saba grand scheme. Gen
eral. may | trouble you for a little more
Blue Grass? All, thank you.
Then there are the mussels. Another
BONANZA. As you all know, this island is
surrounded by mussel beds. Al low water
they are bre. Now, n hungry cat will hunt
mussels, any arnithologist will tell you.
Y =, sab mussels. What then? Why, our
c Is Will Le h lnl ~, of cawse, and they will
grub up the mussels; a fine food fish, sah
when You don't know 'em delicious BIZ
valve, as might say, when YOU call 'em by
nobler title; good enough for Decatur,
Birmingham, Flowence, Annison or Gads-
den. Begad, sab, the cats ! say will grub
hH lllt iAuHNtlrt anu MI We nave fh CO ~ 10
wrest the fish from his shell and ship him
TO Chicago and elsewhere as the finest of
fresh oysters. Three hundred million gal
Ions OF oysters per year at $40 per gallon.
Gentlemen, run the figures over in your
head. General, will thank you 10 pass the
Blue Grass"
The S. Nj. |. S. cleared its many throats.
Its eyes stuck out gogglewise. Ii saw mil
lions in the colonels wondrous project.
Aa.T a Al -.
ing TO his theme. The time is coming.
and soon, gemmen. when the overwhelming
preponderanoe Of sable skins on the island
will darken the country for miles nrOund.
This will necessltate the building of large
electric light plants aud tremendous gas
factories, all stimulating activity in our
minst-and no one loves the b1sy hum OF
labah, sah, more than Colonel Bio I'd, sab.
But when those plants are finished We will
set cats a-hghting and furnish electricity so
cheap that We will beat the company in its
own market. Electricity for 100 square
miles Of territory, 100000 year easily.
All this will build up Sheffield and give Us
lnnumefable openings for the display of Onr
genius, but this is not all.
Thousands of tourists will come 20 see
our cat island, the eighth wonder of the
world. We can establish lucrative beer
gardens for their eaificntion between cats,
as u We're, build grand hotels run electric
roads with cat electricity. sell souvenirs in
the shape OF mussel shells painted by our
old masters, and give displays OF fireworks
with grand background Of black cats. As
Tor the concerts, we can deuge them IN
fulsc. Hal methinks ] see this city a
Mecca for tourists Of every cline and coun-
try, the streets full of sight-seers, the
steamboats, plying up and down the river
packed with eager throngs, the railroads, OF
which we shall be directors bending be-
meath their burdens of humanity.
1--WE will sell music 10 Decatur. Birming-
ham, Florence. Admission and Cadsden.
Wrapped in anti-phonetic sheets of non