Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1889-01-16

I A, MICH, WEDNES
WIT AND HUMoR.
The young man who forged his way
to the front is now in the penitentiary.
-Ex.
II is a good man that can tell the
age of a saw by looking at its teeth.
-Danville Breeze.
1t does not follow that an aged man
will be silly if he should happen to
live to a green old age.-New Orleans
Picayune.
Perhaps the most potential letter
in the alphabet is "n," because it can
make a man of ma.-Binghamton
Republican.
Son-Papa, why is cur State called
commonwealth,
Cynical father with thwarted am
bitions) Because, my boy, the COM
mon people seem to have all the
wealth.-Ex.
"Is Mr.. - in ?" asked visitor
Of the Office boy.
"Naw."
"Do you know where he is I"
"Nope his aunt's dead, an Iguess
he's either at the funeral or at the
ball game."-Ex.
Mamma-Do you know the ten
commandments, my dear?
Little Bess-Yes, mamma.
Well, repeat them.
| can't, mamma. / dot know them
by heart. l only know them when |
see them.--Ex.
Buyer-How much are these trous-
ers, Mr.. Solomons?
Mr.. Swell, meine freund, We are
yust givin' dose pants away.
Buyer (effusively Thanks, thanks!
I'll take this pair. exit rapidly with
trousers. Life.
A gross libeler of our 400 states
that society worships the dollar.
This is great mistake. Society new
er prostrates itself before anything
less than million dollars. Our aris-
tccrats have their limitations but it is
not in this direction.-New York
Press.
Mr.. Gowest lat Chicago evening
party]--May mark your card for
the next waltz, Miss Breezy?
Miss Breezy consulting card]-
Thanks, awfully, Mr.. Gowest, you
may have the one following, if you
like. see that Mr.. b. Moor has cor.
rallied me for the next.-Ex.
Mr.. Dumpsey-There, there, my
dear, allow me to PROFOUND conun-
drum. Why are you like palm
leaf fan?
Mrs. Dumpsey (sulkily)-I don't
know.
Mr.. Dumpsey-Because it is i'm
possible to shut you up.-Burlington
Free Press.
Miss Beauty-Do you remember
that French count who followed me
from place to place and declared he
was dying of love for me' Well, his
family have put him in lunatic asyl-
um.
Rival Belle am not surprised.
l always did think he was crazy.--N.
Y. Weekly.
From the opening gun OF the pres
ent campaign to the present"
Hold on, said the managing edit
or, that won't do"
"Why not, sir?" asked the brilliant
young political writer.
Because there was no opening
gun'-nothing but busted BARREL"
"Well, sir, don't busted barrel
open gun p Indignantly asked the
brilliant young political writer
Elk.
She at end Of the third act]-I do
not like that play. It's too gushing.
There is altogether too much kissing
in it.
He-It isn't real kissing. They
don't do that in plays. It's only an
imitation-it's only stage kissing.
She [later in the evening]-Don't
you think, George, that stage kiss
must be-don't George-awfully-
quit, George---unsatisfying.--Free
Press.
Tot, aged 4, asked her mother if
she might have an apple and obtain
ed the privilege of going to the store
room and taking just one. She came
back with two large apples.
why, Tot " exclaimed her moth
er, didn't mamma say you must take
only one ?"
"Well, mamma" said little iDno-
cence, "it was so berry dart in zare,
how TODD rna 400 70 fata los nnn "