The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-09-12
A DRUMMER RELATES HIS EXPERT
ENOE IN GRAND RAPIDS. MICH.

ENCE IN GRAND RAPIDS, MICH,
One thing like about these "Knights
Of the Road" is that they are great fell
lows in secret societies. Most all the
drummers belong to everything that is
going, from the Grand Knights of the
Diamond Garter" down to the Sons of
am quite hand for
all such mysterious things myself, so !
get solid with all the boys. My old
friend Crookston called on me the other
day to see if needed any drugs and to
have visit. We had jolly old time.
While we were sitting in the office a
chap came in and wanted to borrow 50
on account of remittance not coming to
him as he expected. l told him my 81
kept to lend was in now, being sent in
the day before by Johnny McIntire, but
never lent it except to drummers. He
said That's me-" l gave him the grand
hailiDg sign of an Odd Fellow, which he
to. Then came TO the great
hair in the SCOT" grip of Pythonic.
He tumbled. Then Crook gave him the
G. B. of the Sons of Malta. He was on
to it. Then l tipped him the hair pok-
ing signal of Good TIppler. he smiled
and said "H, O." This is a chemical
term, meaning "waters." Then Crook
struck out his hand and gave him the
noted j. ID. Q. sign Of the Royal Arch
Brick Mason. He "got thar" on that
Then Crookston examined him as fol-
lows, to make sure he was drummer :
"From whence CONTEST thou, pardP"
"From the Lodge of the Holy ST..
Johns, Michigan.
"What seek We here to do?
ITO take few orders and collect bill
of Billson." al. .-r..-r
"Then you are drummerr
II am so taken and accepted by all the
boys"
"How may know you to be drum
mer ?"
by my cheek and my fifty pound
sample case. Try me-" '......-..
"How will you be tried p
'By the square,"
"Why by the square ?"
Because the square is a magistrate
and an emblem of stupidity"
"Where were you first prepared to be
drummer ?"
"1n my mind"
"Where next ?"
"In printing Office, adjoining a regu
lar post of drummers."
"How W ere you prepared p
''By being divessed of my last cent, my
cheek rubbed down with brick, bun
ion plaster over each eye and heavy
sample case in each hand. In this fix
was conducted to the door of the post. ,
"How did you know it was door, be
ing blind ?"
"By first stepping coal scuttle ant
afterward humping my head against the
door knob"
"How gained you admission ?"
"By benefit of my cheek
"Had you the required cheek 2"
81 had not, but Steve Sears had it fol
me-"
"How were you received ?" -.
"On the sharp toe of boot, applied tt
my natural trousers"
"What did this teach you ?"
"Not to fool around too much"
"What happened next ?" ..
81 was set down on a cake of ice ano
asked if put my trust in mercantile re-
ports"
"Your answer"
mot if know myself, don't"
"How was you next handled ?"
81 was put straddle of a goat made
out of 2x4, and trotted nine time
around the room by four worthy broth
ers and then trotted in front of the Lei
Bower for further Instructions.
"How did he instruct you ?"
"To approach customer in three up
right regular steps, with my business
card extended at right angles, my arms
forming perfect square"
How was you then disposed of 7"
Il was again seated on the cake of ice
in front of dry goods box and made tc
take the following horrible and binding
oath
II, Charles S. Robinson, do hereor
and herein most everlasting and dlaboli'
cally swear, by the Great Bob Tail Flush
that will never reveal and always stea
all the trade secrets can for the use and
benefit of this Most August Order. And
further swear, by the Bald Headed
Jack of Clubs, that l will never give
carve, make, hold. take or cut prices be.
low the regular rates. And | further
swear, by the Plperers that played be-
fore Moses, to never have any CONNER
cial dealings with any man or his wife,
sister, grandmother, old maid, aunt OF
uncle, unless they, he, she or it, are
sound on the goose. Binding myself
under no less penalty than to have my
grip sack slit from top to bottom, my
dirty shirts and socks taken out and my
reputation removed and buried in the
river at Pearl street bridge, where the
Salvation Army GIBBS and flows every
two and one-half hours. So help me
Bob Ingersol and keep me in backbone.
was then asked what most needed. u
"What was your reply ?"
Money"
"What did you then behold ?"
"a copy of Dun & Co.'S reports, open
at chapter 'Muskegon.' Upon the open
book rested pair of drug scales, in one
pan of which reposed ten pounds of con
centrated lye and in the other sat a small
silver jackass." ...
"What did this emblem signify p
1.-THE scales indicated the balance be-
tween debtor and creditor. The other
emblems represents disabilities and as
sets of bankrupts."
"Dld this teach you any lesson2"
"You bet 1t taught me the fact that
the former are generally 30 almighty
much better than the latter"
''Shake Brother ! n y Will
you be off or from ~
both, if can borrow money enuff
to get out of town on"
Have you any cigar ~
81 have.n ..# ..r p
"Give 'em to me-" 3d.
81 did not so receive them, neither
will 30 impart EN-"
How will you dispose of 'emI"
"On sixty days time or two per cent.
cash, F. .. B."
"All right, begin" ...'.
"No, begin you" 8. r..s
"No, you begin"
up" EN- "Set."
"'Set 'em up The words and sign
are right, Brother Shocks, he is a yard