The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-06-13
NEWSPAPER HUMOR,

Written With = Six Dollar Pair Of Shears.
A wretched Kansas village is named
Devils Delight"
A Colorado storekeeper solaces his
customers with FyNeKUT 2 bak y.
"Ah," said Miss Flirty, "it must be
nice to have a sailor beau, for they have
nice yardarms, Ocean.
And now they have begun to inquire
lis love failure p You bet it isn't
No, not by over forty girls.
A Berlin scientist says salt is conduc-
I've to longevity, but it appears to have
failed in the case of Lots wife.
Beaver-Harkins is a man who always
holds fast to the truth. Cleverly-Yes;
notice he never lets it escape him.
A baker has invented a new kind of
yeast. 1t makes bread 80 light that a
pound of it weighs only twelve ounces.
II pretty girl doesn't want to be
winked at she ought to keep steadfastly
away from the soda fountain.-SOner-
UilLe Journal.
Mrs. Gabb (reading)-Wakefield has a
millionaire who sleeps in the barn with
his horse. Mr.. Gabb (brutally)-Well,
horses don't talk.
A prominent journalist in New York,
who is perfectly bald, has offered a re-
ward of $1,000 for tale that will make
his hair stand on end.
Slngerly-Jawkins, did you ever hear
me sing within a Mile o. Edinboro
Toon p Jawkins- No, nor within a
mile OF any other tune.
A private in the army recently sent
letter to his sweetheart, closing with,
May heaven cherish and keep you from
yours truly John Smith"
The editor Of this paper has grown
weary of giving two dollar notices to ten
cent publications, and will do no more
Of it.-GeneUd advertiser.
Professor of journalsm-Mr. Smith,
how would you answer an unanswera-
BILE argument in an opposition paper
Student-Call 1t "yawp."
A Philadelphia man boasts that his
wife is mistress of five tongues. The
average man doesn't ask that his wife
be mistress of more than one.
81 am opposed to all games OF
chance" said Rawson. "And yet you
got married 2" said Lawson. "Yes, and
that's why am so strongly opposed to
EN-"
Mrs: W.-What are you doing, dear ?
Mr.. W.-Musing on the infinite. Mrs.
W,-You must stop it. You'll go crazy
II you keep your mind fixed on your
debts.
Pittsburgh has four hundred and sew
enty five manufactures, which if placed
| in continuous line would extend dis
tance of fifty five miles. And it's news
papers
First lawyer lin court room)-What
are all those buckets for ? Second law
yer-Breach of promise case on and the
plaintiff is expected to testify this morn.
ing,-Judge.
Belle (third season, ,languidly)--O dear,
wish had been born an English peer
ess Another belle first season)-Why,
sweetest-because you are tired of try
ing to become one.
A prize package man seduces the
crowd by shouting at the top of his
voice walk right up, gentlemen; you
know the more blanks you draw, the
more prizes there are left !"
A Cincinnati widow advertised for
''every Christian in the city" to send her
ten cents. She realized twenty cents,
indicating an Unexpectedly large num-
Der of Christians in that city.
The woman who never owned Bible,
supposed she was quoting it when she
greeted her son, who came home to keep
Thanksgiving, in the following words:
Here comes the fatted calf"
An Indiana paper makes the following
announcement married on the 14th
inst, by j. L. Richards, ESQ.,, Mr.. James
l.. Myers, aged 10 years and 8 months,
to Amanda Curtis, aged 12 years and II
months"
When a man is unable to tell the time
by his watch because there are two
hands and he does not know (which to
believe" it is tolerably sure sign that
he has partaken of more refreshments
than nature requires,