Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1889-11-07
scABeY ON FLATs

House STYLE Of Living Not
popular with Tramps.
"a iaoy living on the fifth floor of an
uptown fiat-house was called to the
speaking tube by a violent ringing of
what is itP" she called dow,
through the speaking tube.
Its Scabby McGoogan." came back
the reply. I've called to see if Won
have any cold vituals this mornin, for
poor man."
10 way" screamed the Iadv
through the tube; Ego way. smell
your awful breath clear to the fifth
scabby McGoogan. ESQ.,, was not so
easily disposed of at long range.
Its hardly fair to hold me respou-
sioie for the condition of my breath,
ma'a am" he replied. "Gettin'. as best
may. odds and ends from a. hundred
Aitcnens to keep soul and body to-
gether, is it any wonder that am un-
aoie this morning to watt up to you
through this pesky tube the odor of
new-mown hay, notwithstanding / slept
In a manger last nightP"
will you go away. or will I be
obliged to call the dog?"
am not alarmed on the dog oues-
ton, ma'am. That racket works toler-
ably we'll where the folks live on the
commons. but have yet to have my
nrst encounter with a dog that comes
down from the fifth floor. l have no
tlced that in coming down from the
NTH floor dog has time to take his
second, sober thought, and, by the
Tune he reaches the street, it occurs to
MIN that in the likely event that he be
wounded in the fray. he would have
difficulty in dragging himself back up
the stairs, Or up the back stairs"
"You impudent scoundrel. will you
go9" screamed the lady, until the tube
ratified in every joint.
IL am in a mood this morning to
discuss" came Scabby's voice. with
exasperating calmness, '.and while l
have the hang of this speakin' trum-
pet, l may as well set forth an idea or
two that have not, as yet, been able
to get into the newspapers or maya
zines. l desire to say that, as the rep
resentative of a large and growing
class, am Numerically opposed to this
fat and apartment-house system
OF Twin. You see the disadvan-
tage it places US under. Now,
were permitted to present my claims
to you face to face. instead of by this
ERE hollow mockery. l dare say that
you would see the dreadful necessity
of the case and cheerfully comply"
The speaking-tube vibrated again
with the indignant message:
''Confound you. won't you ever go?'
81 can tell by the sound of your
voice." continued Scabby, ''that you
have a tender heart and hand ready
to aid the deserving poor. Oh! had l
the wings of a dove, l might perch
myself upon your kitchen window-sill
and partake of pie from your lily
white hand; but, alas, am compelled
to communicate my wants in this en-
barrasin' and unsatisfactory way. Bills
tered be the tongue of the man who
first invented flats. Aside from the
single advantage that people who live
in flats can't keep dogs, defy you or
any one else. to point to one redeemin'
feature of the Internal fat system"
'I'll pour scalding water down this
tube if you don't CO." yelled TIE land
lady.
.'Just one word" said Scab by. "and
I have done. wish to reiterate my
imprecation against the inventor and
designer of fats. May his tongue
cleave to the roof of the highest house
in this town, while he is obliged to
trudge in the middle of the road and
get his pie and cold potatoes through
a speakin' tube. Good-day, ma'am."-
Y. Y. World.