News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-08-01
THE JOKERS BUDGET
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
The New Arithmetic-The Wedding
Prelude-Cut off.
THE WEDDING PRELUDE.

THE WEDDING PRELUDE.
Little Boy-Say, ma says you are
going to take sister off.
Engaged Youth (soon to be married)
Yes, in few weeks she's going to my
home, and my ma and pa will be her ma
and pa. See?
81 see. Then she'll be your sister,
same as she was mine. Say, don't you
do anything she doesn't like, for if you
do she'll bang you around awful when
your pa and ma amt looking. II New
York Weekly.
GONE TO CANADA.
Kooponn BY the way, Bonds, what
caused the decline in your bank shares
o-day-dividend off.
Bonds Qaconically)-No, cashier
Life.
PESSINfISTIC.
"Papa," asked Johnny Cumso, "what
is pessimist 2"
h" Mr.. Briggs is pcssimist, Johnny"
replied papa. He always bets against
the home club"
THE NEW ARITHMETIC.
Goodfellow-Say, old chappie, lend
me half dollar, will you2
Rockaway Beach-Herc's dollar. l
haven't any change.
Goodfellow Ctaking it)-All right, old
| boy, I'll owe you half then.
He leaves Rockaway Beach trying
hard to fathom the true inwardness OF
the transaction New York Sun.
FLY FAKER.
Mrs. Harpy-How did you manage to
acquire such fortune from that little
pamphlet, "How to Mako Dynamite"
Mrs. SHARPLY used to offer the book,
then pull ont foot section of two-inch
gaspipc, loaded with paper and piece
of rope in one end for a fuse, and tell
them that was how bomb look1Sl when
finished. Everybody thought it was
genuine and subscribed to get rid of me.
II The Epoch.
WHY HE LOOKED TROUBLED.
'Tucker-Why do look so troubled?
Well, last night dreamed | died and
was buried, Parker, and l saw the
tombstone Mt the head of my grave.
Parker Saw your tombstone, ell?
And what of it?
"Why, I'm trying to live up to the
epitaph saw on it. y New York Sun.
GOOD FOR HIM SHE WASN'T.
"Johnny is an awful boy" said Mrs.
Brown. "He hasn't sat still moment
this whole blessed day."
eff was his mother, returned Mrs.
Slipper, she wouldn't sit still for
whole month. Judge.
ONE FOR HARRY.
Harry "a beardless cynic of seventeen)
i quite agree with you, Edith, that
Mrs. Bromley's gray hair enhances the
effect of her fresh and youthful com
p,exion, but it dcceives nobody. i sup
Ipo her locks were red before she
DIeaclIcd them
Edith-Come now, Harry, don't be
so bard on her. Such gray hair is nat
ural to many people. / shouldn't in
the least wonder, Harry, if your NOUS
tachc would be gray when it comes out.
CUT OFF.
Frank-The deuce he did! And what
did the General say?
Kate Papa said that if j married
young Ellaby he'd cut me Off with Il
shilling.
Frank-Bravol Go it, Ellabyl And
did you mention me?
Kate-Yes, Frank, dear, did. Papa
said that if married yOu he'd cut me off
,cithout one - Time.
CHOICE IN PETS.
Shylcigh you fond of animals?
Miss Mature
Shyleigll-Which one do you like
best
Miss Muture with far away look)
MAN. Time.
IT WAS EXPLAINABLE.
"Weigh me, please ?" said Briggs, as
he stepped on the grocer's scales.
Theman who manipulated the weights
looked at him in astonishment. Briggs
looked MS though he ought to weigh
about 120 pounds, but the beam bal
anced at POP.
"You must have something heavy
about your clothes" said the grocer.
"Oh, that's it," rejoined Briggs; 81
have my summers ice bill in my pock-
ct. ~ New York Sun.
ADMIRATION.
care you unfriendly with this man."
asked the Judge.
''I am not, sir; 1 used to bo, but I
amt now"
sWhat has caused this sudden change
in your feelingsE
"Woll, Judge, 1 never knew before
how hard he could hit. He certainly is
a daisy ~ Merchant Traveller.
FATHERLY soLIoITUDE.
Mrs. Skinnphlint (anxiously)-James,
/ am alarmed about Johnny. He has
been away all the afternoon. L am
afraid he's lost.
r.. I.b % lx ha
has run away for good. And it's been
only three weeks since I had that boy
vaccinated. (Gloomily)-Cost me
DOLLAR Chicago Tribune.
IN DEMAND.
Jack-l'm going back to business to-
morrow. Are you sorry?
His Enslaver (carnestly)-More than
/ can tell you.
Jack mot contented with fair COM
pliment)-Why?
His Enslaver because we are to have
q picnic to morrow, and l did so want
Won to make our calves head sand
wiches. Brother Tom has spoken of you
so feelingly in connection with the sub
ject, you know Judge.
HE TOLD FORM OF TRUTH.
Beggar-Please, please help poor
cripple.
Passer BY giving him money)-Poor
fellow! Where are you crippled?
Reggar (pocketing the money)-In my
finances, sir The Wasp.
JUST so.
Boston HeireSs-I am afraid it is not
for me, but for my money, that you
come here so often.
Ardent Wooer-You are cruel to Say
so. How can / get your money without
getting you ?-Boston Courier.
LOST HIS BALANCE.
Mrs. Jaggs Il a.m.)-Where have you
been, John
Mr.. Jaggs-Bal'shing m books.
Mrs. Ja9gs Well, if you've found
any balance tonight, John, you GER
tainly have not brought it home with
you.-LPuck