Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1889-05-23
alrainia free gwss.
WITAYD HUuOR.

The greatest weather profit OF TINS season
is the money saved by young men "h'
didn't go sleigh-riding.
Western Constituents you're a Demo
craft Give me your hand washington
Belle (absentl-Ask papa.
Why is a theatre drop curtain so called
Because the gentleman so out to take
"drop" whenever 10 comes down.
Senator Stanford is of the opinion that il
twenty.fv years it viii be possible Tor
man TO 90 clear around the world 10y rail.
Dude-You have been looking straight
at me for the last FIVE minutes. What is it'
Farmer-Thats just what was wondering
You never know how sure-ioo,ed a dog Is
until you attempt to put him on his back ia
a tub Of water lie is then all feet and
eyes.
The mustache is said to be losing its pop
ularity as a part Of the birsute adornment oil
the masculine face; tits always getting "iu
the soup"
Dyspeptic traveller surveying the menu
card)-"Ob, that I bad the wings Of a
dover Waiter ,prompIyl-"Pigeon pot
pie FOR one"
Boston women have started rage for
buttercups, which are popular as corsage
bouquets The oleomargarine blossoms
will appear later.
A Brooklyn woman Is keeping in book
list Of things She ough, 20 purchase, but
cannot afford O wear She calls The book
her ought to-buy-ography.
There is one thing that you dou't know, %
said a man to another who was airing his
knowledge in company "And what is
that. pray % "You don't know that you
don't know everything
John Bright used To- say that in one im-
portant respect a dog is superior to man {;
When a man is utterly out Of everything he
gives up, but a dog simply curis up aud SO
continues 20 make both ends meet.
Two Dartmouth sophomore, were receu,-
lv expelled for sending I'm false excuses 20
the falculty. The day has passed when the
artful sophomore can attend the funeral OF
his grandmother four times every term.
Jack-"Say, Gus, viii you please leave
your trousers out in the hall .o-nisht?'
Gus-"Good heayeusl Jack, what do you
want me to do thst for2' Jack-"Why the
pattern IS so loud that they keep me
awake"
What is the most aris,ocratic stree, in
New York 2" asked Mrs. SQuildig. Il
don't know about the street, replied Squil
dig; "but the most aristocratic ward, in the
opinion off -Four Hundred, is Ward Nc
Allister.
A lecturer said, II must beg You to give
me your undivided attention; indeed it is
absolutely impossible that you could form
true IDEA Of the hideou- animal of which
we are about TO speak, unless YOU keep
your eyes on me-
"What the deuce does Mrs. wear so
many puas and thing. ior?' asked a lady
at the Won Schr eder ball las. week.
"Why." was she reply, "she ha. indu'geds so
much in fashionable dissipation that she
has the delium trimmings"
Said the city editor to- the cbarlatan riyi.
valst who had asked Dim for pur "No,
sir. if I say anything abou, you, &c viii De
to criticise you severely" very well"
replied the cxhouer; let her go. I don't
care so long as 1 am advertised
sympatbizing friend-Your rich old un-
Gle, they tell me. did not leave you a cent.
1 thought be once entertained the idea of
making you his heir Poor relation bitter
ly)-Eutertained the idea? lie never bad
hospitality enough 90 entertain anything.
Did everything go OH pleasantly at
school to-day, John?' Yes, mother; bu
some bad boys persuaded metoplay truant'
You mean they tried 90 persuade you,
John; If they bad rcrsuadedyou. you would
have gone off with them That's what /
did"
The little boy was on his knees i'm bis lit-
tie night dress saying his prayers, and bis
little sister couldn't resist the temptation to
tickle the soles of bis it,ie feet. lie stood
it as long as be could, and then be said:
Please. God, excuse me while I knock the
stufi0g out Of Nellie