Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1889-01-24

Pitfalls for the Unframed - The Old
Folks Made a Mistake.
some ludicrpus errors committed by aci-
tated and absent minded pairs as they stood
before the ALTA are related by preacher in
Chambers Journal
llmothy Duf-gan was a stevedore, perhaps
SIX tect two III height and proportionately
broad He appeared as bridegroom, the
bride was charming young person of tender
years. All went well until the moment came
for Timothy and his bride to give their troth
to each other il the prescribed manner
Say after me-" said | TO Timothy, II,
Timothy"--.-
There was no responsa
Say after u,e," repeated tho parson Il,
Timothy
Timothy WIS still silent, "A puzzled look
creeping over ais broad face.
say after me. said for the third time
WITH, perhaps, shade Of annoyance
Alter you, sir, responded Timothy, with
the poiitest possible duck of his bullet head.
But this Indifference to tho rubric is so
great that upon the injunction, "Placc the
ring on the third finger" have more than
once seen the bridegroom clap 1t upon the
third finger of his own hand with all the COM
placency In the world Once | detected a
bridegroom eudeavoring to force the ring on
to the brides thumb, but there was lust sus
picion that he had been making merry before
coming To church that morning The same
excuse could not be offered for bridegroom
from whom L could get no word of response
not even sulky Il will" The situation was
becoming most embarrassing, when the soil
tary bridemaii- Ibis sister-casually observed: :
Els little ard OF earring, sir" The man
was stone deaf; yet they had not thought 1t
necessary to tell the parSon Ii the bride
groom understood not a word of the service
what did it matterf
TWISTING THE RESPONSES
But the marriage service from first to last
is full of pitfalls for the unlearned man. In
some cases it becomes painfully clear that the
contracting parties recognize but few of the
words they are hidden to say, and merely i'm
itate the sound with such accuracy as their
imperfect knowledge will permit The words
Ito have and to hold" ought to he simple
enough, but, as a matter of fact, they are the
subjects of some astounding blunders | re-
member one bridegroom who had brought a
very charming young bride to church, and
perhaps regarded her as thing of beauty to
be in his home joy forever, rendering ito
have and to hold" as Ito have and behold, g"
Another, who possibly had some cause to
dread the fate of Mr.. Caudle struck out an
entirely new version, and faithfully promised
Ito have and to be told" ITO love and to
cherish" is other frightful stumbling block
ITO love and be cherries" was the nearest to
the original of many variations popular
among tho males of that parish The brides
were happy with the familiar rendering, ito
love cherries and to bay" Gods holy ordi-
nance" tripped up many. Holy orders" was
convenient, and perhaps conveyed the most
meaning. plight thee my troth" and ''eive
thee my troth" were, | imagine. words of
foreign sound, and | well remember one
young person, who was wedding a most vii.
famous looking fellow, changing her senti-
ment into thereto l give thee my throat 3"
There was, perhaps, an unconscious prophecy
wrapped up n that promise.
The words accompanying the delivery of
the ring are, as everybody knows, the subject
OF some characteristic blunders | never
heard some OF the more elaborate distortions
credited to countrymen, but our people nobly
distinguished themselves over the clause
with all my worldly goods | thee endow. ~
They never bundered SO aptly as the fortune
hunter who, in wedding an heress, unwit-
tingly said, with ali my Goodly words thee
endow;" they were content to produce a
SpuhA VIII u SuDIlille ilUlueTGICG
sense. II thee and thou" Il thee do bow -
Il thee allow" were the most popular of
these versions
A CLOSE CALL FOR BIGAMY
But nothing more clearly indicates the utter
lack OF intelligence with which some of the
poor regard the service of the church than
tho fact thai once upon time | came upon
youthful cIIrate solemnly and devoutly
marrying the father of n bridegroom to the
mother of lis bride in the presence of their
own proper partners. The discovery was
brought about in this way. 1t was Christmas
morning, great time for weddings, since
Boxing day then remained for the honey
moon. Seven or eight couples had given
notice, and the congregation was large.
While one curate registered the couples in
the vestry another married them i'm
succession with such expedition as q
slight stutter would permit. The old
parish clerk, with his list of names,
called up the high contracting parties as the
turn OF each came ! siperintended the
whole proceedings. In the vestry were two
young people being registered, whose names
were, let us say, Jones and Smith. Coming
around to the chancel again one was a little
surprised to find the old clerk inquiring
among the congregation for Mr. Smith and
his direction he had brought up to the chan
Gel steps gentleman well stricken in years
and dressed in q sleeved waistcoat The
bride was n broad, comely woman whose
turned up sleeves left bare two monstrous
crimson arms. Oppressed by an uncomfort-
able suspicion | hurried to the vestry, and
there founl the young people, Jones and
Smith, just paying the fees
us your father heres' said 70 the bride
groom
YES, sir :"
SIS your mother hereto the bride.
''Yes, sir -
Now" said ! to Jones the younger, .'look
through tn door and tell me if that is your
father being married there"
well, SIR" returned Jones. after a Ieis-
urely inspe ction, hes having it read over to
him"
''Is your mother alive2"
She's in church"
1t was The work of an instant to rush
around and stop the service. But when the
people were dragged asunder, Jones, the
elder, in reply to an indignant inquiry as to
what he meant by it, coolly replied: "Wel,
he," indicating the penitent clerk with a jerk
of his grIny thumb) ''he told us to come
this way" That couple had been charged by
mention of ''the dreadful day of Judgment,
when the secrets of all hearts shall be dis
closed, y to say whether they knew any i'm
pediment why they might not lawfully be
Joined together in matrimony; and they
heard it silence. So did the wife Of the one
and the husband Of the other. l have often
wondered how far they would have gone
without remonstrance. Perhaps the demand
for ring would have precipitated tho crisis