The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-03-07
WIT AND HUMOR.

1nere is put IltLle poetry III gas
bill when the meter is out of order. -
Neoo Orleans Picayune.
There is not an honest champion in
the whole country unless it be the
champion liar.-Detro1 Free Press.
Patti says plenty of sleep is the
secret of preserving ones beauty. The
hired girl believes this.-BostO,s Courier.
Anybody can tell you what to take
for cough. The man who can cure
one has not yetappeared.-NeaO Orleans
Picayune.
There may be a difference between
homeopathic and allopathic pills, but
there is little perceptible in the bills
Boston Courier.
The bad man is generally in bad
company, but he cannot improve his
condition much if he stays all by HIM
self.-Neeo Orleans Pcayu'ee.
A citizen bought himself book the
other day and wrote this on the tiy-
leaf: Presented To John Jones by
himself as mark of esteem. Toronto
Globe.
Bigbee-Wonder what business that
man is IMP They say he is deaf and
dumb. Carpenter 20, that's Jack
Robinsou; why, he receives complaints
in railroad oflice.--Pstck.
''Ah, George" she said. "when one
is happy how quickly time flies!'
.'Yes, dear" he responded, land how
quickly time stops flying at the end OF
the thirty days. Epoch.
Colored Strangely doan know
me, l reckon?" Pawnbroker-''No-"
as one ob dc Presidents of Hayti, an
I'd like ter pawn dat country fer enough
ter:buy a square meal Philadelphia
Record.
ats beautiful day for walk"
said she, looking out of the window.
..Indeed it is" he said, doing likewise.
-Would you like to lake a walk?" she
continued. above all things" ''Then
why don't you?n ?n-Ha9pGr' Bazdr.
Jones, who is an inveterate diner
out, is also bit of philosopher. This
is his latest mot: Il hear great
deal said about the slowness of the
turtle, but notice that he generally ar
rivcs in time for the oup.''-,jatctge.
Tommy Traddles (thrcateningty)-
I'll tell my father on You. Willie
Wafilcs-What do | care for your
father? lie can't hurt me. Tommy
lIatiuicS- A3N Hc. Aiil me- MY
father is Il doctor.-Ne0 YORK. Sasm.
Miss Travis-Did the Browning So
cicty meet last night? Miss De Smith
Yes; but we didn't talk much Brown
ing. Crazy quilts took up most of the
evening. Miss Travis-Pretty much
the same thing. Burlington Free
Press.
Wiggius-''I was astonished to hear
how harshly old Plutus spoke to his
secretary this morning. l should
think the poor devil would resign"
Crabley- .'Hah! He doesn't dare.
Don't you know he's poor relationa"
Judge.
"Your aunt reminds me-by antithe-
sis-of Dir. Tanner" said Mr. Jason to
his better half ''Why SOP" she in
quired. '.He went forty days without
eating, and think she intends to eat
here forty days without going. ."-7eire
Haute ErpresS.
Mrs. Guzzleton (nn the stairs)-This
is great time of night for you to be
coming home. John Guzzleton! Mr..
Guzzleton Consulting his watch)--
You're wrong, m dear It's the small
est time in the whole day. just 1
o'clock, 'pon honor!-Judge.
Mrs. Jasou-Mrs. Wickwire is trying
TO write prize story for the Weekky
-Ax. Mr. Wckwire says she sits around
for hours at time with her penholder
IN her mouth and never speaks. Mr..
Jason-Mara, why don't you go in for
literature?-Ierre Haute E1press.
American hoy-''Papa, the paper
says that Japanese war vessels are
illuminated by electric lights. Why
can't the United States have things
beginning in that direction, my son.
We've got the lights. y Philadelphia
Record.
Miss Longpurse-Why. of course
Helen of Troy was beautiful. Do you
suppose there would have been a
twenty-year war over her if She hadn't
been beautiful? Mr.. Shortcash (for-
getting himsel) %, l don't know
Maybe she was rich. NeU York
Weekly.
1t is rumored that there is one vio-
lent situation in Mr.. Howell's forth
coming novel in which the villain
throws the hero's hat out of a window;
but the authors friends are confident
that he has not resorted to the extrav-
agant methods of the sensational TO-
mancers.-LYe.
Col. Steers (of Montanal-It seems
TO me you Newly orherS are entirely too
''uppish' and on your dignity. If you
only were out whore | live you'd see
what Western hospitality isl Mr..
Manhattan-i have. once took a
drink with Six-tocd Hank of your
town at the point of pistol!-Puck.
George-What's the matter. Cholly?
Been sued, or what? Cholly-Just
got letter from--from her. George
What does she sap Cholly-Only
two words: Yours forever George
Nothing the matter with that, is
there? CholIy-She sent our engage
nent ring in the note. = Ierre Haute
Express.
Maud-See here, Bessi / hear that
you are going to be married Didn't
you and 1 and Mabel agree, on the 1st
of January. that we would never
marry as long as we lived? Bess-
Yes; but you see, girls, I've had "a
chance. That alters matters. Maud
and Mabel both together-O!-Bur
ziragton Free Press.
A woman went into Boston store
and inquired for cravat. "Do YOU
want a simple tie or Windsor, Har-
ward, a four-in-hand. or what?" "Any
one will do" ''But gentlemen have
some choice in neckwear." Never
you mind; the man this is for will
wear it and say nothing. He's dead" !"
- Shoe and Leather Reporter.
who is the distinguished gentle
man across the streetP' That is the
Hon. Mr.. Bilgeway of Cooper's Cor
ners." Drinks pretty hard, doesn't
hep" mo, not a drop .'But his
face is remarkably red" Even SO. He
has been mentiouedin in connection with
Cabinet position and since then has
been holding his breath. "-Terre Hautc
cypress.
Widow-I want a monument for
poor John. Something appropriate.
He was foot-racer, you know. Dealer
You want an epitaph something like
his race is run or something like that,