Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1889-12-25
MIR. AND MRS. BOwsER.


IN WHICH HIS MANNIsH WAYS IN REGARD
TO NEW GARMENTS ARE SET FORTH.
Mr.. Bowser has been that way ever since
we were married, and I suppose he will
keep it up to the end-jdst like all other
husbands. When he brings home half a
dozen collars know that circus is about
to begin, and prepare accordingly. After
supper he goes upstairs to try them on,
and take seat on the lower step, know
ing full we'll the part Lam to play. For q
couple of minutes all is quiet. Then
hear the mutter of distant thunder, fol-
lowed by an exclamation of:
''By the great horn spoon, but If had
that man here I'd murder himP'
About sixty seconds later his head ap-
pears over the banister and he shouts:
ssMrs. Bowser, come up here"
ssWhat's wanted?"
s'Come up here9 Look at those collars,
will youP'
ssWhat's the mattel?''
ssMatter! That Internal shirt-maker
ought to be scalpedl told him No. Is,
and he has made them all No. 20?'
'sNonsensel Here's the stamp on them,
and they are all right. Try one on"
He buttons one on and they fit splendid
ly. Indeed, he never had such fit. He
looks in the glass, however, grows red in
the face, and shouts;
sLook at it. I'll kill that man before
noon tomorrow! He has done it to spite
mep'
"Mr. Bowser, that collar is all right
You never had one that set'-
"Right! Right! Look at it bunch up in
the back! See how it sets in front! OBJ
serve how it is saving away at my ears!
You want me to look like baboon, don't
you? I'll walk in on that shirt-maker after
breakfast tomorrow morning, and if l
don't slam the buttons off n him then I'm
aliarP'
"But I can't see anything wrong with
them"
stNo, of course not! If they made me
look like baked owl you couldn't see any
thing out of the way! Mrs. Bnwser, I've
got to have long talk with yoa. There
are some things which must be settled!'
And the next morning he puts on one OF
the collars without word and there is
never any further fault finding. They
were fit and all right, but he wouldn't be
an average husband if he didn't growl and
kick. It is when his new shirts come up
that the whole menagerie is put on exhi-
bition free gratis. They invariably come
up of Sunday night, and he wants to put
one on for Sunday wear. I know what is
coming, and take baby over to mothers
and give the cook liberty to go out for the
day, am hardly ready for him when the
magazine explodes.
''Mrs. BowserW he shouts over the
banister.
"Well?'
s'Did Lynch bring home my shotgun
last night?''
"What do you want of shotgun"
'To kill the internal idiot who made
hofnr tho
sun sets tonight! I'll murder him right
before his wife and childreuP'
"Why, Mr.. Bowser! What's the matter
with the shirts?'
'Matterp' he yells as he jumps up and
down, holding one of the lot at arms
length, ''everything's the matter! My band
is fifteen inches scsnt, and he has made
these 1000 rods longI Look at that bosom!
Look at that yokel I'll follow that man to
the end of the earth but what III have his
bloodp'
"Why, they look all right to me. The
band is stiff with starch, you know"
ssI'll stitfen that idiot with something be-
sides starchl People impose on me because
never kick, but the worm has turned at
last I suppose I'll be sent to state prison
for life, but that shan't stand in the way of
my revenge"
ssPut on another and I'll come up and see
what the trouble is"
Ten minutes later he calls and go up tG
find him red in the face and breathing hard.
button the shirt in the back, pull it down
and it fits him like glove, but all of sDd-
den he gives jump, waves his hand after
the manner of Booth and exclaims:
eyes! I'll hunt him down and crush the
life out of him."
''Mr. Bowser, there's nothing wrong with
this shirt You never had one to fit you
better.''
Nothing wrong! Why, it feels as if I
had put on an old coffee sack. Look at the
way it punches up iu the neck. See how it
binds on the shoulders. l wouldn't be
found dead with this shirt on.'
''Well, as l said BEFORE l can't see any
thing wrong with it.
"Oh, you can't Anything is good enough
for me, suppose. If some fool sent me up
sheet iron shirt you'd think it was all
right. You can go downstairs
"But aren'5 VIC going to church"
''Churohl Don't say church to me! I'm
going ont and commit murder"
About dinner time he feels easier, and
after supper bis Indignation has all passed
away. Next morning he puts on one of his
shirts, aud it ian't a week before he Is hrag-
ging of the perfect fit. -DetrOI Free Press.
SAFE RULE.-Bad Boy-What We talkin'
bout me goin' to tn bad place fet? Our
preacher says there is one, but Johnny