News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1889-05-23
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
The Height of Absentmindedne
More Than He Wanted.

The Height of Absentmindednes
More Than He Wanted.
THT HEIGHT OF ABSENT -MINDEDNEss.
First Sportsman shouting at the top
of his voice)-Come here! Come here!
Quick!
Second Sportsman (arriving out of
breath What is it?
"The best shot you ever saw at rab-
Bit He's just got out of sight"
"Why didn't you shoot him your
self"
81 forgot 1 had my gun with me!''-
IN. Y. Sun.
A NEW USE FOR HAND-GRENADEs.
Poet-I thought this new building of
yours was fire-proof?
Editor-Yes. 1t is.
Poet-Then why do you have those
extinguishers and bottles all through
the building!"
Editor-To put out poets.-[ Bazaar.
THEY MADE NOTHING USEFUL.
Wiggins (refectively) Lord Mac
Enoch! Lord MacEnech2 / don't re-
member anyone of that name in the
British nobility. Who was the founder
of his family9"
Baboony (haughtily)-My fwiend's
family, sir, includes no founders, nor
any other kind of manufacturers
| Judge.
GUESSED HE WAS.
''Is your father speculator?" queried
the first boy, as the two backed up
against the gate.
81 guess he is, was the answer.
"Don't you know?"
"Well, we have got out of paying
rent for the last six months, and L guess
father is sort of speculator. ~ Detroit
Free Press.
MORE THAN HE WANTED.
Gladleigh-Did your wife bring you
much when you married herr
Sadleigh than wanted. She
brought her mother.
FLIES ON HIM.
Young Lady-Why do you sigh and
look at me like a fool9
Lovesick Youth-O, Miss Emily, with
what tenderness do you brush the insects
from the plants. How I wish 1 was
rosebush to be cared for by your gentle
hand.
"Flies on you, are there2' 2'-Texas
Siftings.
CHANGED HIS TUNE.
| He entered saloon on Monroe avenue
with his hat on his ear end his coat on
his arm, and fiinging the garment on
table, he shouted:
Is the man here who said he could
pulverize me in two minutes?"
8" He is, !" replied an individual who
was just wiping off his chin.
"And are you the man9"
81 am"
"And you said it9"
81 did
"And you won't take it back?''
''N No, siri"
''Well, let's have some more beer. |
The boys said con were All old man with |
one arm, and I didn't propose to take |
sass from any such person. Drink |
hearty, my friend. Detroit Free Press. |
TOUGH BISCUITS.
New Boarder-It strikes me these bis
cults are tough.
Mrs Bazoo (the landlady) Young
man, I've made those biscuits, and I've
made them before you were born.
NCW I)OdIuCL uOI u
doubt it ma'am; but why don't you
keep them in the ourio cabinet9 Aren't
you afraid somebody might break them.
-Drakes magazine.
INA BOSTON BUTCHER SHOP.
Young Boston Wife Cat meat stalD-I
really don't know what to get for dinner
to-day.
/ x,f4
mutton chops? Good healthy food;
eighteen cents pound.
Young Boston Wife puts hand to
forehead Let me see.
! Butcher-What the chops2 Here
| they are.
Young Boston Wife-No; was think
ing.
! Butcher-About the price2
! Young Boston Wife-No; I was think
ing whether you ought not to have said
wholesome instead of healthy.-Yankee
Blade.
SAFE FROM CUPID's DARTS.
Visitor Cat studio)-I do not see how
an artist could paint such beautiful
woman without falling in love with
! her.
Great Artist assure you, madam,
that while painting that picture 1 never
once thought of love.
| '1s it possible ?''
eyes, You see the model was my
wife. ~ New York Weekly.
EXPENSIVE EDUCATION.
Miss Urban from the city)-Oh,
there's no doubt h city life broadens
q persons mind.
Mr.. .Rubarb (who once spent week in
New York)-Yes'm it broadens the
mind, but, JehOshaphat, how it narrers
CowED THE OLD MAN.
Father (threateningly)-Tve great
mind to thrash youl
Little son-Take a man of yer size.
Take mai
Father rembles at the thought,
and sits down New York Weekly.
A GOOD REASON.
Mamma-Howard, are you going to
take part in the tree planting at school
ON arbor days
Howard (emphatically)-N hahn t
there's huff switches CROWN round our
school now.-[ Life.
AN UNPARDoNABLE ERROR.
Father-Mr. Sand, the grocer, tells
me he discharged you for swindling him.
This is terrible disgrace to the family
Son-I couldn't help it, father. He
gave me some lead to put under the
scales, and L made mistake and put it
on the wrong side.-[ Life.
''REvENGE is SWEET"
Barber Ito first conner, in hand)-
Shave, sirl (To second comer)-Take q
chair, sir. [ shall be disengaged imme-
diately.
Smith first conner, who has recog
nized in the glass opposite that it is that
fellow Brown, his rival and enemy
Ya-as; wish to be shaved, and-ah-
then L should like my head washed
shampooed, y'know-and afterwards my
hair cut, and carefully curled !-(Tab-
leau. u Punch.
GOOD GRAMMARIAN.
"Johnny," said New York school
teacher to a boy who had come from the
West, ''you may parse the word town. y
"Town' is q noun," said Johnny,
culture tense"-
"Think again" the teacher interrupt
ed. "a noun couldn't be in the future
tense"
fT don't know abOut towns ont here "