Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1889-08-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
A pushing man always gets ahead in
the world. So does a cabbage.-Rtts-
burg Dispatch.
A great many men acquire 81 worth
of pomposity and arrogance with a 81
public office. .-P.tersburg Luder-Appeal.
Plenty of sleep is conducive to
beauty. Even garment looks worn
when it loses its nap.-Binghamton
Republican.
1t is considered pretty serious
charge to bring against a woman to
say that she means all she says
Rochester Express.
Serial buildings" are what they
call those high ones in Chicago, be-
cause they are continued stories.-
Washington Critic.
From the way people fight at city
collation. it is evident that they believe
that none but the brave deserve the
fare.-Boston Gazete.
The naval gun plant at Washington
is growing 50 nicely that it will soon
begin to put out few spring shoots.
Baltimore american.
There is doctor for every 600 in
habitants in this country. This may
account for the fact that Americans are
short lived.-LdWrence american.
A perpetual motion machine has not
yet been invented, but the tongue of q
7-year-old boy asking questions comes
pretty near it.-SomerUilte Journal.
This is a world of contradictions.
Men praise heroic actions first because
they are we'll done and then because
thy are rare.-Baitinaore american.
Stranger in the court-room-''What
time have you got, please. Prisoner.
at counselor's table, can tell you
better after the trlal."-B0stOn Gazette.
Electricity had made but little head
way at the time of the flood. What
Noah most needed and could not get
was an arc motor.-New Orleans Pica-
yune.
Tell q man that he is fool and he
will laugh at you; but tell him he is
not rs big fool as he looks and he
will get as mad Us blazes-Bur!ington
Free Press.
Smith-Jones is a magnifcently de-
veloped man. isn't he? Do YOU know
his measurel Robinson-No, but
think it is about ten bOttles.-Buriiaq-
ton Free Press.
The principal features of corrupt
legislative assemblies are ayes aud
noes. These features enable them first
to scent jobs and then to wink at them.
baltimore american.
"Your money or your life" Would
you rob professional brother?" rAre
you in the profession?" Il am man.
aging the church fair" Pass ON,
friend. ."-HarperSs sBazGr.
me parent-We1l, DR.. KaptaiI, like
your school much. and think I'll put
my boy here. But tell me, what sort
of boys dO you turn out? The doctor
The bad ones.-Fa"my Folks.
Miss Gotham-I adore travelling.
Were you ever in Greece, Miss Loin?
Miss Loin (of fCincinnati)-N never
was; but papa WAS in that Lard Trust,
you know.-.Hinneapolis Ifioume.
A fond Detroit father who has fast
son informs US that he desires to
secure for him "a position that will
slow him up. so to speak," Make him
a messenger boy.-Detro1 Journal.
Mrs. Kawler-Does your husband
ever condescend to hold the babyp
Mrs. Stayathome-O, yes! Every We'd
nesday and Saturday evening. while /
run the lawn mower.- Laurence An,erS-
cum.
Angry subscriber to editor-I'm mad
all the way through. an | want NV
paper stopped" Yes. sir; do you want
to pay what you over" ..No; [ ain't
mad enough for that" ."-Pheniz, (Ari)
Herald.
Wife Cooking in stationer's window
WHAT'S thisSreproduction of Eyypt-
ian hieroglyphics? Husband-No; that
ner in high-speed typewritlng con-
test-1 Time.
Nickleby-That's q strange pair OF
scales you have there. suppose they
are of the Ambuscade kind. Grocer
Ambassador What is that2 Nickleby-
Why. they lie in weight. as it were.-
Laurence america.
Laura-Hoasstu stupid these baseball
reports are! Here it says that "Mul-
roy was pounded all over the field"
and don't say what or who he was.
Aunt Jane-t guess Mulroy. was the
umpire. -Ierre Hdute Express.
New Bachelor of Arts-Why is it,
professor. that these exercises are
called d''commeneementp" Professor
Because in few short months you
young men will commence to know
your business. Minneapolis Tribune.
To cut up victim to find out what
is the matter with him after he has
been doctOred y year is a dead givea-
way on the part of the doctor, who
shOuld know what is needed when he
gives medicine. Orleans Pea.
yune.
First citizen-Do you mean to say
hat since You have been working at
dynamo station you have got rid of
your rheumatism? Second citizen
lust so. The disease seems to have
eft me and gone into my watch.-Nes0
York Weekly.
A young lady in Indiana yawned
Ter mouth so wide open that she dis
ocated her jaw. Some man who had
cen better days hud her in corner
md was commencing again to tell her
low things were before the war.-New
)rlea'ss R;cay"me.
Mrs. Blinkers-Woll. did you 60 to
he doctor TO see about that bee sting
n JOHNNY Mr.. Biinkers-Yes. He
aid we shonltl put mud on it. He
harged mo - for the prescription, but
9 gave ME the mud for nothing
'ew York Weekly.
Doctors wife-l understand that DIR.
ureall confines himself strictly to
flee practice. Old doctor-Yes; that
why he succeeds. People who are
BILE to walk to an office are generally
rOng enough to- get we'll without help.
ew York Weekly.
- >>I -0
A REMARKABLE Piece or Wood.