Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-09-02

~ Jul Sldl 10 app " NC dS HoucSt as IHc
day is long.
1t is a funny fact that the air of society
always makes a green man turn red
Mrs. Fangle-I'm sorry for Queen Vic
toria for one thing. Mr.. Fangle-What
is that Mrs. Fangle-Everybody knows
her'age.
girl, being asked by her teacher what
kind of a noun 'kiss" was, replied, with
"a blush, that it was both proper and
common.
Shyleigh-Are you fond of animals?
Miss MatuIe-Very. Which kind do you
like best? Miss Mature with u far away
look) Man.
Balloonists say that when at the height
of two miles they have heard women call
ing over the back fence to borrow nat
irons and starch.
Patron-This set of teeth You made for
me is too big. Dentist-Yes, sir. Sit
down in the chair and will enlarge your
mouth little.
Mother (reading)-A machine has been
invented that will fling man 1900 feet
in the air. Pretty daughter-Horrors
Don't let pa hear Of it.
Omaha teacher-Can any of the class
explain to me why the way Of the trans
gressor is so hard? Scholar-I guess
it's cause it's travelled so much.
Father, said Willie, who had just been
corrected, that strap is hereditary, isn't
it? l don't know that it is. But it de-
scends from father to son, doesn't it?
A little boy, compelled ON account of a
long journey to drink condensed milk,
took his mother into his confidence
Mamma, wish to heavens the condensed
cow would die.
Henry-So you asked old Growler for
his daughter last night did you, Fred?
and how did you come out? Fred-It was
by Il window, believe, Henry. That was
the best could do though.
Visitor, in Chicago-I should think you
would be dreadfully afraid of burglars in
a place like this. Hostess-Burglars?
mercy. no. w &c uOL Iiluu luC
It's the police we're afraid of.
See here, Mr. Grocer, said a Hartford
housewife, if you are going to bring me
any more goods want them to he of the
very best. We keep none but the best.
1 presume so. But you sell the worst in
order to keep the best.
Wife, uspiciously-Cyrus, my nose
never deceives me. You've been drinking
again. Husband, rather thickly-It's on
my clothes, Emily. The car was crowd
ed, and L had to occupy seat with an
internal revenue collector.
Anxious mother-Why, my dear, in
tears! What has happened? Married
daughter-I-I got angry at Arthur this
morning, and said a lot of-of mean
things; and-and 1 couldn't think of any
thing mean enough to say back 1 Couldn't
Wife-The twenty fifth of February we
shall celebrate our silver wedding. Don't
you think we ought to kill the fat pig and
have feast? Husband-Kill the pig? L
don't see how the unfortunate animal is
to blame for what happened twenty-five
years ago.
Irate neighbor-See here, Mr.. Blank, ]
got tired of having old tin cans thIown
into my yard, and this morning l went to
your house and gave yonr wife piece Of
my mind. Mr.. Bank-Well, well knew
you were no SLOUGH, but / didn't suppose
you were such dare devil as that.
Cook (seeking situation)-I must tell
you, mum, that my young man comes to
see me reg'ler on Sunday evenings. Lady
oh, indeed! and what is he? Cook
Well, don't quite know myself yit, mum,
cause, you see, phen L comes into new
neighborhood 1 alters looks out for a
fresh one.
Bobby (who has been sitting patiently
half an hour)-Mr. Boomer, wish you
would pop the question to Bella. Bella
Robert, you naughty boy, what possessed
you to make such preposteroqs remark?
Bobby (sulkily)-Well, anyway, ma said
if he did you'd jump at the chance, and !
want to see you jump.
The attention of the passengers in
southern smoking car was riveted on
strangely behaved negro. He rocked him
self from side to side without ceasing.
What's the matter with you? asked
traveller who was in the car. Does you
know Dan McGary? inquired the negro
Yes. Well, sab, he sold me silver watch
for $50, added the negro, still swaying
from side to side, an eff ! stops moVin'
dis here way de watch don't go no NOAH
CONSUMPTION CURED.
An old plYsician. retired from practice, having