The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-01-31
WIT AND HUMOR.

AuOoO auAiOuS " SiNc u picCo VI IL W
his friends. s.-Ne,0 Orleans Picayuae.
De Luizzel-How blue you look.
What's upp lie Clerke (on 1915
week, with six children)-Bread.-
Time.
When Ireland becomes independent
the ship of state will doubtless be
manned by Cork's crew.-PtttSburg
Chronicle.
No wonder the goat is an unreliable
animal; diet of circus posters would
destroy the spirit of truth in any crea-
ture.--Puck.
Patient-"Doctor, l can not sleep
nights. What shall do?" Doctor
"Get position somewhere as night
watchman. ."-Judge.
A man who has one jug of corn
whisky and another of rye refers
to them as his grain elevators.-lher-
chant IraUeler.
An embankment caved in on some
railroad laborers near Oil City, and
the verdict of the jury was: "Died of
gravel. ."-OH CITY Derrick.
For tank that is a tank, insepara-
BILE from realistic mellow drammer,
some manager should work in a real
tramp. Philadelphia Ledger.
Consistency thou art jewel" sure
enough; but thou standeth an exceed
ing poor show when the other fellow
can afford II diamond ring.-PacE.
When bald-headed man removes
his hat to salute a lady it does not re-
mind one of leaAess branch although
it's a naked bow.-Binghanto Repub-
licdn.
A Boston man has been arrested in
Montreal for playing policeman. He
was not suspected until he refused an
invitation to 'take something. ."-IeTTe
Huute Express.
Mr.. Hayseed (reading his Sunday
paper) r)-Why do these ere society
women wear so little clothes? Pert
daughter-Perhaps, pop, it's because
they are in the swim.-Ioaom Topics.
= Customer Gin book store e)-Have you
Ben-Hur? Saleslady (thinking about
something else) No, but would like
to have been her when she got that
new sealskin coat Washington Post.
..Just came from the West, ELI? Well
how's business out there?' Rushing.
Thirty new towns were started in KAN
sas last week, and three of them have
already got u few Inhabitants. "-Ne,O
J orr; World.
Mrs. Backgammon (who is giving
small lunch to some Washington
friends, to the chief musician n)-Strike
up the Pirates Chorus now, Professor.
They're just going into the dining
room.-IIme.
Smith-You say the speculation has
proved failure? Jones-A total fail
ure. SMITH thought you said there
was fortune in it. Jones with a
groan)-So there is. Mine is in it
Boston Courier.
Young wife Cat ball)-.'Yeu are
improving wonderfully as a dancer.
Don't you remember how you used to
tear my dresses?n Young husband
'.Y-e-s: wasn't buying" 'em then. y
Philadelphia Record.
Miss Westcnd (confidentially)- )-Mr.
Saphead proposed to me last night.
Rival belle-Did he? When refused
him in the afternoon he SAID he was
going to do something Desperate
Philadelphia Record.
Why do veally Young men occupy
the front row of the parquet at the per-
tormance of burlesque? On the
principle of mutual attraction-there
are always calves in the ballet, don't
you see?-Boston Gazette.
Mine eyes have seen the gobbler lose
his Uranium in the dark, a prehistoric
turkey that came over in the dark, the
boarders break their molars as they
chew the patriarch, but their bills go
marching on.-LiacoLp Journal.
Boucicaults new dramatic school
teaches its pupils how to walk. If it
can teach them how 10 walk from OsIi-
kosh to New York without getting
tired or hungry, it will not have been
opened in vain.-Nos9istosOn Herald.
Miss Laura" said he, 81 long have
worshipped you in silence; but l feel !
that the time has come when | must |
tell you that your Incompatible beauty, |
your" ''Let me say just one word"
she interposed. ''What is itP" '.Ratsr' |
--Gerre Haute E9press.
Mrs. Gabb-'.What's the matter with
my husbandP" Doctor-"Nothing, ex-
cept that he needs change. / pre-
scribe opiates and rest" .sShall |
give him the opiates at once?" 80, the
opiates are not for him; they are for
you. u."-Philadelphia Record
Sister Kate-Why is it. Charlie, that
you Harvard students will not take part
IN the prayers except under compul-
sionp Charles Freshlie-Our men are
SO modest, you know. They don't pro-
fess to have much influence with the
powers above.-Boston Transcript.
Wife (at point of DEATH John. if
should die l wish you would have
the funeral in the evening" Husband
-"Everything shall be as you wish,
my dear" Wife-'.They are quite
customary now, and gaslfght is so be-
coming to my complexion" ."-Epoch.
An exchange wants the name of the
man who invented the wheelbarrow,
but what many more persons crave is
the name of the man who lets the
wheelbarrow stand in the middle of
the sidewalk after dark. The latter is
more deserving of death.
Herald.
Visitor-.What did you think of the
menu last night, Mrs. Bliss?" Mrs.
B.-"Why, it was all eaten up before
1 got to the table, and they say the tout
ensemble was a perfect failure-too
sweet, 1 suppose. That's the worst of
everything to the caitiff.''-
Detroit Free Press.
II was at the wedding at the church
asst evening, Miss Lighthead. Allow
ne to congratulate you on your ele-
,ant appearance as bridemaid You
we're 'robed in ecstasy divine sup
bose. ''That is about as much as YOU
nen know, Mr.. Tould-I wore a robe
# white silk null and point lace."-
Springfield Republican.
st. Louis girl-"Did you have much
# an election celebration at your
ouse, Gwendolen? I know your fa-
her won a large sum-" Cincinnati
,irl-''O, no, dear. We Just had some
for the children and two
II three kegs of beer on the roof.
damma's health is not robust YOU
now. ."-Neao York San. 3
II declare" exclaimed Mrs. Fogg,
s she vainly endeavored to dissect the
urkey, .'if you are not the poorest
nan to do marketing. This turkeys
Id as Methuselah." 2" ssPossibly. re-