The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1889-07-05
WORK OF THE WITS.
soms ysrs., Sm,l.s,

Man proposes, God disposes, wom-
An discomposes, the divorce court
interposes, and the press exposes.
II some people should speak the
tfnth it wouldn't shame the devil us
much as it would surprise him.
Humanity much resembles the sue.
ruktnt and seductive strawberry.
The green ones generally go to the
bottom.
Female BARRIERS are not having
much success. Gentlemen will not
go to them, because they dislike to
be cut by lady.
The charity which hides multi
tude ct sins isn't half SO much need
ed as the sterner virtue which raw
hides them.
1t is lucky that the youthful mind
finds it so aSytoacquirc knowledge,
as We have to learn so much that we
must forget atterward
1t is estimated that some women
carry forty or fifty miles OF hair
about their heads. Forty or fifty
miles without Il switch is good long
distance for an air line.
1t is easy enough to bring up IL
child in the right way. All you'll have
to do is to watch the way in which
most people bring up their children,
and then do something else.
a perpetual motion machine has
not Yet been invented, but the ton
que OF 81 7-ycar-old boy asking ques-
tions comes pretty near it.-Somer
vile journal.
The American system of checking
baggage is admitted to he excellent
Now, it some genius would invent II
method OF checking the American
Ia%gage-smasher our system would
he perfect.
1t liz said of n Canadian mother
who died the other day: "She w,,s
true wife, Il fond mother, and so
managed affairs as to marry off her
nine girls before any other female in
the neighborhootl could even get u
beau.
\ domestic in an Indiana town
where natural gas has been intro
duced for fuel, gave her mistress
prompt notice ofleaving, rcmarkiny
that she wouldn't cook Gods
meat over hell-tirc."
1t is said that the land is so richin
many parts of Missouri that melons
cannot he raised on it. The melons
grow all right, but the vines grow
so fast that they wear the melons
out dragging them around the prni-
rie after them.
Jeweler Ito lady whose purchases
surprise himD Excuse me, madam,
but may enquire why you have Sc
lectetl only designs in imitation of
bugs, spiders. lizards and scrpents
in purchasing your iewelry?" Mrs.
Thinkllartlt: "Ccrtainlv, sir My
mlsban, drinks, and I'm going to
make him think he's got en-.
Mosquitoes are so plentiful in
Chicago that couple of lovers sit
ting on the back steps of residence
on Wabash avenue were bitten $50
times in 30 minutes. They didn't
mind it. lowcver-in fact, they didn't
know they had received Il bite until
an hour after.
\ sea captain who had a protane
. parrot on Ills vessel broke lin of
swearing by ,lashing cold water in
his face. One day some hens ON
board got II dncking from sea spray.
Passing by the parrots perch he
espie.l their forloln condition and
called out, Guess you've been say
ing damn, toO.'
Mrs. Lngsby cold Mr.. Grumpy,
the doctor says, is suffering from
clephantiasis." Mrs. l3agsby;
Caught it ut the show, suppose.
Hereafter no boy of mine shall go to
see he elephant without having been
y;uHnnted. You can't tell exactly
what the elephants fetch over here in
their trunk.
ltyou drop your collar button
there is one sure method of finding
it. After you have hauled the bureau
ucross the room to look under it,
then replncc the heavy furniture and
put OH II heavy pair of shoes, start
to walk across the room, and before
you have taken three steps you will
step OH the collar button andsmush
= it all to pieces.
:'l'e your own DOCTOR" advises u
patent-medicine advertiser. 1t il
pretty good advice. too. The man
who is his own doctor can visit linn
sell halfa dozen times n week, charge
81 a visit. collect $25 at the end OF
the month and he just that much in
POCKET. we dOnt suppose he ever
looked mt it in that light.
Washington Post: Tramp: Mister.
givrme something to eat; I'm hungry
and out of work." Practical party
lin suburhs): "What do you work
:it?" am n wood engravcr, sir. ;"
r. P..Ielightedl: "Ah, very good!
Just walk around behind the buck
kitchen; you'll find IL saw, woodhorse,
and some wood. Will you he kind
enough to engrnvea cord or SO
while ! see about your breakfast"
a'ut ihe cloud of dust disappearing
down tie road answereth not.
Historical Lies CutlOne.
There WIS an insurance man from