Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1889-04-13
SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT.
HUMOROUS SELECTIONS FROM THE
PRESS OF THE COUNTRY.
A Collection of .Sciutillations" from
the Pens of the Funniest
Writers of the Day.


the Pens of the Funniest
Writers of the Day.
She" You were not SO dissipated be-
fore we were married" He-"Indeed l |
was, my dear; but when anybody told you |
SO then you wouldn't believe it."-Lte.
Bolton told me he had borrowed some
money from you. was surprised, because
never heard you say anything about it,"
No; ! still hope to get it back. LIE.
After the elopement: Miss Tenafy THAT
was)E"I can't get over the feeling about
what papa will say" Mr.. Tooker-': You
ought to be comparatively easy. Pm think
ing of what he will do."-Itme.
Magistrate Ito prisoner)-" Were you
born in Pennsylvania Prisoner" Yes,
sir" Brought up in the State? ?" "Yes.
l have been brought up in Pennsylvania,
and every other State in the Union, too"
Life.
Agent for Jewelry House-'I've got
fine line of diamonds I'd like to show
you" Man Addressed you've made a
mistake, sir; l am the proprietor of this
hotel, not the erk."-Sonoma Valley
Whistle.
Mother Ito daughter who is about to be
married -" There is one thing | have for
gotten to teach you, my dear. 1t is most
important" What's that ma ?" Il must
show you where mans pockets are stu
ated. "-Town Topics.
Aunt Susan Ito Boston girl who has just
returned from New York )-"And how did
you enjoy yourself, Carrie? Carrie" |
had very enjoyable visit, aunt butt was
positively shocking to see so many people
without glasses. "-Boston Transcript.
He-"I tell you, the Ponsonbys have
got a fly house." She-"Oh dear! l
thought you said you wouldn't use slang
any more in my presence, Algernon ?"
"And Pm not. 1t is a fly house. There
are two wings on it."-Burtington Free
Press.
Mother" understand, my dear that
you made quite an impression at the con-
versazione the other evening" Daughter
-" Yes, mamma" "What subject did
you discuss?" 81 didn't discuss anything,
mamma; | let others do the discussing."-
Harpe1'o Magazine.
He-"You're always growing about the
lodge" She-"Oh, no! The lodge is well
enough" swell, my late hours then" 81
don't care about that even; but it does
annoy me to get up and let you in and
find the milkman at the door. It's rather
embarrassing."-Loweu Citizen.
"Johnny," said his mother, 81 don't
want you to play with that little Brown
jones boy any longer, do you hear p
"Yes'm ," said Johnny. 'Now, don't let me
hear of you disobeying mew "No'm,'
said Johnny, dutifully; "but l may fight
him, mayn't /, if want to."-Puck
Fond Mamma (who knows him at home
=" frankie, / hope you have been nice,
quiet boy at school this afternoon.
Frankie Yes, indeed, mamma | went
to sleep in my seat right after recess, and
the teacher said she would keep in the
first boy or girl that walked me up."-Puek
"What wonderful painter Rubens
was p remarked Merritt at the art gallery
EYES," assented Cora; cit is said of him
that he could change a laughing face into
sad one by a single stroke. why
spoke up little Johnnie in disgust, "my
school teacher can do that."-Detrou Ere,
Press.
The people at the market place were
fleeing wildly in every direction. "What
is the matter?' inquired passer-bv. "A
market woman and her husband are quar-
reling." 81 don't see why that should
alarm everybody in the streetw "She has
begun to throw eggs at him."-Chicagt
Tribune.
Old Soak" You remember when But
tons, the policeman, dubbed me, DOM
you % Waters-"Yes, l remember it.
"Well, preferred charges against him
and have waited in vain to see him
bounced I'd like to know what the infu
ence is back of him." "Why, the notori
Gus copper trust, of course" -Lo,ceu Citizen
Mr.. and Mrs. Smithkins at the photo
graphers. Mr.. S. taking the photographer
aside and Whispering" my wife
wants her picture taken, but | want to give
you a pointer on her." "What is it?'
"Don't tell her to look pleasant 1t won't
do in her case. Pve tried it and it always
makes her madder'n ever" Chicago Herald
Citizen Ito Uncle Rastus)- y" So that i:
the woman you're going to marry, is it
Uncle Rastus ?" Uncle Erastus-" Yes
sab, dat am de lady. She yain't much t.
look at" well, no, not very much
Uncle Rastus." =" But she hab got SIT il
de bank boss, an she hab promised to gil
me de power of attorney generalship."-
Haper's Bdzar.
Dinny," said one Irishman to another
"Oi've been summoned into Court. Do ye
know anything about the laws ?" "Oi do
indeed Faith. Owe been there meslei
Oh took case before the Judge mesle
wanst." g. An did he thry it ?" "He die
the same He thryed it, but it didn't suit
for he throwed it out av Court inside a
foive minutes" Merchant Traueler.
Employer Ito new clerk =" This pack
age of money you've counted is two S.
bills short" New Clerk" How do yo,
know? You said you hadn't counted tn
money" ." said that to try your honesty
/ hardly know what to do about it." "
can help you out; you take me into part
nership, and I'll do the stealing for tn
firm and you can do the lying, and wei
make things hum."-7erds SJtings.
"Talk about wives" said Farmer Haw
buck give got one wife in a million
Why, she gifts up in the mornin', milk
seventeen cows and gifts breakfast 70
twenty hard-workin' men before 6 O'Clock
by gum" "She must be very robus
| woman, Hawbuck," remarked one of hi
: hearers. Son the contrary" put in tn
: farmer; "she is pale and delikit-liks
Gosh, eff that woman was strong | dunn
what work she couldn't do."-Harpe'
Weekly.
After the wife of telegraph operate
: had expressed herself fully on his stayin
out so late she became still more exasper
ated by his refusal 10 make any reply
Miserable wretch have you nothing /
say in justification of your outrageous con
. duct ?" Nothing at all. | was just NAL,
ing little calculation" What calcula
tion| Nothing, except that if you ha
sent that all over the wires to Boston
1 would have cost you at special rates owe
Sl65."-Iegas Sitttngs.
At side-track and water-tank betwee
! Greensboro and Salisbury. the hour bein
, 8 o'clock at night, a man boarded the trail
, and took seat directly in front of me
a When the train started the condueto