Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1889-05-01
MARK rwAi.-s LATEST.


Speech which Is reSafued as one OF the
hes, in his life II Is here reE--o.iuced-
Mr.. Twain said:
Though not native, a. intimated by
The chairman. | have visited. great
many years ago. the Sandwich Islands
that peaceful land. that BEAUTIFUL land.
that far oil hnrn- Of profound rrpose.
and soft in.ls,ienrc. and dreamy solitude.
where iif. l. one hong. sIumberls-s- Sab
bath. ti.. climate one long leiiciou- sum
nler day. and the god that die experience
NO change. for they but fall asleep in one
heaven and wake up III another. And
th.-.. TOYS have played BASEBALL THERE
bsisets1Il, which is the very symbol. the
outward and visible expression If the
drive and push and rush and struggle
of the raging. tearing. bonling Nine
tenth century! One cannot re-
aiiz- il. the place and the fact are 50 in
conyruo,is: its like interrupting flu
neral with "a circus Why. there's no
legitimate point OF contact. no possible
kinship. between baseball and the Sand
wich Islands: baseball is al. fact. the
islands all sentiment. In baseball you've
got To do everything just right or you
don't get there: in the islands you We got
To do everything just wrong or you can't
stay there You de- it wrong to get it
right for if you do it right you get II
wrong; there isn't any way to get it
right hut TO do 1t WRONG and the wronger
you do it the RICHTER it Is.
The natives illustrate this every day.
They never mount II horse from the lar
a. him, IRON
the starboar,i: on the other hand. they
never milk a COW on the startbard side,
they always milk her on the iarloard;
it's why you see So many short people
there-they'v got their heads kicked
oil When they meet on the road they
don't turn out to the right. they turn out
to the left And so. from always doing
everything wrong end first that way it
makes them left handed-left handed
and cross eyed; they are all 50. When
a child is born the mother goes right
along with her ordinary work without
losing half day--it's the father that
knocks off ard goes To bed till he gets
over the circumstance. And those ma
tives don't trace descent through the
male line. but through the female.
They say they always know who
child's mother was. Well, that odd
system is well enough there, because
there a woman often has as many as
six or seven husbands. all at the same
time-and all properly married to her
and no bleinish about the matter any
where. Yet there is no fussing, nc
trouble When child is born the hus-
bands all meet together in convention, in
a perfectly orderly way. and elect the
father. And the whole thing is perfectly
fair: at least as fair as it would be any
where. Of course you can't keep politics
out YOU couldn't doth in any country:
and 81. if three of the husbands are Re
puhlicans and four are Democrats, it
don't make any difference how strong a
Republican aspect the baby has got. that
election is going Democratic every time.
And in the matter of that election those
poor people stand at the proud altitude Of
the very highest Christian civilization.
for they know, as well as we, that all
women are ignorant. and SO they don't
allow that mother to vote.
In thos, islands the cats haven't any
and. what is till more irregular. the man
'iat loses Il game gets the pot. And as
to dress the native women all wear a
single garment hut the men don't No.
tin. men don't wear ANYTHING At all they
hate display: when they even wear a
smile they think they are overdressed.
Speaking of birds the only bird there
that has ornamental feathers has only
two. Just barely enough to squeeze
through with. and they are under its
wings instead of on top its head. where,
of course. they ought TO be to do any
good.
The native language is soft and liquid
and flexible. and in every way efficient
and satisfactorv-till YOU get mad: then,
there you are-there isn't anything in it
to swear with. Cool Judges all say it is
the best Sunday language there Is; but
then all the other six DAYS in the week it
Just hangs idle on Your hands: it isn't
any gool for business. and you cant
work telephone with i, Many IL time
the attention of the missionaries has been
called Ia this defect. and they are al
WAYS promising they are going To fix it;
but no. they go fooiing along and fool
ing along and nothing i done.
Speaking of educ -, everybody
there is educated f., highest to
the lowest. in fact. it only country
in the world where education is actually
universal. And vet every now and then
YOU run a"ross instances of ignorance
that are simply evolting-simPly de-