The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1889-12-28
ENGLISH COURT FOOLS.
Specimens of Their wit Preserved by An
Client Chroniclers.

Client Chroniclers.
John Haywood was fool to Henry Ill,
having been introduced to the King by
Sir Thomas More. Mary Tudor had a
great regard for Haywood, who indulged
in much audacious talk. Bold as were
his sayings, row of them appear witty
A landlord asked him: "How do you
like my beerp Is it not well hopped?"
$50 WE'LL" replied Haywood, that had
1t hoped little further 1T would have
hoped into water" Dr. Doran, in his
"History of Court Fools" gives several
specimens of Heywoods rhymcd cpl
grams. One of them is perhaps worth
transcribing:
"where am least, husOnnd'' Quoth he, I'm
the waist; ..,,,,
Which cometh of this, thou art vengeaoie
strait-lacod.
Where am / biggest, wifof' I'm the waist,
too,' quoth she;
For all is waste in you, rs far rs eau see
Heywood was a devoted Catholic, and
after Mary's death he took up his abode
in Mechlin and died there, iesting, 1T is
said with his last breath. Though
Elizabeth was so good n Protestant that
Haywood could not live near her court,
she was so bad Protestant as to have a
crucifix and lighted tapers in her
private chapel, and Pace, her jest
er, was employed by Archbishop
Parker to destroy those obnoxious
ornaments in the Queens oratory.
Chester another buffoon of that reign,
was so scurrilous in his talk that Sir
Walter Raleigh and Lord Knollys made
him drunk and then had him built round
with masonry, and only desistcd from
roofing him in on his promising never
again to joke at their expense. An
other gentleman whom he had abused
stopped his mouth by scaling his beard
and mustache together with wax. Eliz-
abeth entertained many testers, who, in
their turn. entertained her: Clod, Tarle-
ton and others. Her successor also had
official buifoons. Passing over the less
famous of these, we come to Archibald
Armstrong. one of the most celebrated
fools on record. Armstrong was born in
Cumberland, and at Il very early age
entered the service of James l., before
which he had been, tradition says a
sheep-stealer. He went with Charles
and Buckingham on their secret matri-
monial expedition into Spain. He sent
from thence a letter to the King, signed
by his mark. in which he asks James to
provide him with an interpreter of the
Spanish language: he had an English
servant with him as valet. Archie
Armstrong contrived to amass large
fortune. OF him it is written:
" Archie. by Kings and Princes graced of late,
Tested himself into Il fair estate"
Archbishop Laud was the object of Ar
chie's deep dislike and some of his bit
! terest sarcasms. lie once, in presence
of Charles l., asked leave, though Laud
was present, to say grace before dinner.
Permission being granted, the Jester
said: "Great thanks be given God, and
| little Laud to the devil" When Laud's
anxiety to bring all Scotland into the
Episcopal Church had resulted in very
serious opposition, Archie scotfed at
| Laud for his want of success, and, after
| the news of the rising at Sterling
against the Liturgy, he dared to accost
Laud. on his way to the council cham
ber. with the question: ''Who's the
fool now?" This insult was too great;
the Jester was brought before the council
and condemned to have his coat pulled
over his head. and to be banishcd the
court, which sentence was Immediately
executed. For all that, Armstrong did
not cease to revilc the prefatc. c.-Cornhill
| MnGnyinp.