Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-12-30

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And now, said the colored preacher
let US pray for the people on the unin
| habited portion OF the earth.
Friendly-Why, what's the matter
Toothacher-rve got Il little bone o
contention with the dentist and I'm yoin:
to have it out with him.
Little Flaxen haii-Papa, it's raining
Papa somewhat annoyed by work il
hand We'll, let it rain. Little Flaxel
Hair (timidly)-I was going to.
While they are producing an elixir t
make old people younger, it would be
| great blessing if they could get up SOM
thing to make some young people older
First soldier-Get any Christmas? sec
ond soldier Yep; present. first solde
No? second soldier-You bet. frs
soldier-What? second soldier-Presen
arms!
BY quick shot he had just rescued hel
from the clutches of a bear. What were
your thoughts when bruin commenced to
squeeze? was his inquiry. Oh, Charlie,
L thought of you!
As general rule, we are opposed to
monopOlies and trade comb ines; but
there is no rule without its exception,
and we are free to admit that turkey
trussed is not so bad.
Mr.. Henpeck-What'S this? Clerk
That's an attachment which fastens on a
piano to make it shut up quickly. Mr..
Henpeck (aside) -Heavens! 1 wish it
could be hitched on to Marian.
Lady of the house-Why yon are the
same man to whom L gave loaf of my
home made bread the other day Tramp.
Yes mum; and merely came round to
show yon that L was still alive.
The Sign FaIled.-Young Husband
pretty tough. Young Wifi know it
is, and can't under>t md it al looked
in its mouth and cOult sc IL II rln't even
cut its first teeth yet.
Dissatisfied Start hclieve Boston is
the safest harbur in the United States
for ships 10 outer. Managcr-What
makes You Think 81? Dissatisfied Star
Because We have played to so many
light houses there.
Old Richfellow desperately IF you
refuse me. " hat is there left for me to
do? Sweet Girl-Well, / read the other
day about rich man who made his will
in favor OF woman who refused him,
an | then went and hung himself.
AtiStocratic New York Lady-Td like
ali the roast beef and cake that was left
over from yesterday? Bridget-Sure,
mum, didn't We nver have a peIlaceman
calm on We whin We were my age.
Steward, he said feebIy, in the small
hours of the stormy night, trying to tarn
over in his berth, Steward, what's that?
The sailor on deck, sir. Yes, but what
did he say just now? All well, sir. My
what Il liar! and then he turned over
aud moaned.
Bobby Gazzam Ito Mr.. SUBWAY who is
spending the evening" Wont you show
me your fiddle, some time please? Sun
way-Fiddle, Bobby l have no fiddle.
Bobby Gazzam-Oh, yes you have. Pop
says you've played second fiddle ever
since you got married.
City Boarder-Well, Mr.. Bascom,
what's the weather going to be to-day?
Farmer Bascom-I haven't any idee, Mr.
Smith. CITY Boarder-But you've got
the mornings paper in your hand. Farm
er Bascom-Oh, That's no account! Wait
til! go and get the almanac.
Miss Slyme-How do you like my new
gown, dear? Miss Plompe-Well it isn't
so bad. But it has il rather odd looking
figure in it, | think. About thirty min
utes later. Miss Slyme-I wonder if
that hateful thing was referring to me.
These goods are perfectly plain.
Maude, he said softly, rs he pulled out
the tremolo stop in his larynX, will you
marry me? No, she answered, with all
of sincere conviction. He
paused as if in deep thought, and then
word revives scenes and impressions
that have passed away. | am almost
certain that l have heard that before.
p. T. Barnum told a good story some
time ago of an old lady who was so deaf
that, when some playful chaps fired
small cannon near the old lady's door,
she merely said, Come in. That was
a pretty fair story when first heard it,
said the veteran, but heard "A good one
a day or two siuce that beats it. Two
gentlemen were walking along ii high
way near a railroad. One of the pedes
trians was somewhat hard of hearing.
Along came q train, and the engine
emmitted "a frightful shrek. HIM, said
the deaf one, that's the first robin I've
heard this spring.
Bishop Temple somewhere relates that
when he was once worshipng in an East
end church where hearty musical SER
vice is a distinguishing feature, he Joined
in the singing to the best OF his ability.
He has stentorian voice, and the effect
Of his efforts on those sitting near him
may be imagined. At the conclusion of
the second verse of the hymn the patience
of a working man on his immediate left
seemed fairly exhausted. Not recogniz
ing the dignitary beside him, the poor
man, in sheer operation, gave the
bishop a sharp dig in the ribs, and the
latter, on turning round for an explana-
lion, was thus addressed in subdued but
distinct tones II say, 2nv'ner. you dry
up; you're spelling the whole show.