davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
PITH AND POINT.
Navy Plugs-old sea horses.
Cut rates-The surgeons fee.

Navy Plugs-Old sea horses.
Cut rates-The surgeons fee.
Very few persons can hold their own
on their first sea voyage.-Bost0a Courier.
The march of righteousness should be
played on an upright piano.-Baltimors
american.
Can things will come to him who
waits" The dry rot, for one thing
Philadelphia Press.
Wrestling is by no means confined 20
animate things, as everyone knows who
has ever seen a ships spar, sea fight or Il
ballot box.-Baltimore American.
We observe that a young man who was
arrested for attempted suicide by jump
ing into the river has been ''baled out
by his friends. "-Ntnsey's Weekly.
They sat within the parlor dim
Andfretfully she said to him:
4 wish, dear John, chat you'd behave,
If not, 1 wish that you would shave"
Boston Courier.
ssWhat shall I call my Playl" asked
the man who had stolen one from the
French; and his friend advised him to
call it Elijah, because it was translated
SytiHgs.
wonder no more you retain your bloom
And grow so sleek and fat,
When you ask as much for my hall bedroom,
As your landlord asks for the fat.
-Nel0 YorE; Sun.
Enjoy Shape, is itl The
minute I lay down I'm aslape, and the
minute I'm awake have to get up.
Where's the time for enjoying Shape to
come in I'd like yez to tell me?"-Lite.
The burglar sneaked silently into the room,
The housewife awoke with a cry;
She didn't assault him with pistol or broom
She conducted him to the mince pie.
Washington Critic.
Visitor-"I presume it was because
YOU were sadly tried by adversely that you
are confined here. Prisoner-''No; it
was because I was tried by a granger
jury that couldn't be bought - Omaha
W0rld.
When you go to the circps=-
Take care what you drink
Look not on the lemonade -
When it is pink
Laurence American.
'sWhere's your pa, sonny9" "He's
out" ma INF" mo; she's out"
''Brother in2" mo; he's ont " ''Then
you're the only one in7" NAV; I amt
in; three out, side out; I'm just left on
bases. "-Brooblyn Eagle
A youth who resided in Leicester,
Blew into patent lung leicester,
But he stopped with a sneeze,
For with Limburger cheese,
The machine had been stuffed by sons
leicester.
Washington Critic.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

During the six months Of this year 1S3
railroad lines we're laid in thirty-one
States and Terisories, aggregstiBg 1922
miles Of track Mississippi heads the list
with III miles laid, while the minimum
mileage is in Maryland, six miles being
constructed IN that state- Eight miles
Eere laid IN Illinois, on one line. During
ne last hall Of the year Il is probable that
some Of the Northern States, including
Illinois. viii add considerable mileage.
The tendency in the last two years has
been % the construction Of numerous short
ines. instssd q lesser number Of long
competitive Ines.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

saw the bald cliff bathed in slssser rain
While the parched fields stretched up their
threats in vain:
Woe to the land whose unpluclSed ears have
pinned
Who's harvests waste. and never yield their
hndl
Know you not, wise one with what thank
less toll
You pour your love out on a desert soil2
Still wars the heart if this be truth or no
What the priests say-that God has willed it
so.
Dora Read GOodale, in Ltppincott.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
BREAK1NG OFF GRADUALLY.

Eleanor, now that you have
given up young Hopkins, wish he would
stop coming to the house"
Daughter-"He's been here only seven
times this week, pa.
Father-"Only seven times9 How
MANY times do you want him to comet"
Daughter-''Don't be harsh, father
George is trying to break off gradually"
- Doch.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
WHAT TIE Muc1LAeE WAS For.

sfMr. Afible ] have looked over your
expense account" said the head of the
house, peering over his glasses at his
travelling salesman, land there is one
item here I do not understand. 1t is mu-
cilage S118. What does this mean2"
at MEANS" said the salesman, who
had had good weeks business, and was
correspondingly reckless, sit means that
is where you get stuck. "-PecPs San.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Il any persons hsye been frightened by
Feeeat ramors Of q coming deficiency in
the beef supply q the country, they can
ind reassarsaoein this years report Of
tie agricultural department on farm mi
male To pat the statement in round
numlesz there were q, 900. 900 in the
Uuited States IN 1850, 81, O0O, 600 in
1850. sud so.oo0, 900 in 1888, the year
covered By the last report.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Great Britain's largest tree is the Cow
thorpe oak, in Yorkshire, believed to be
some 1900 years old. In the seventeenth
century, before some of its projections
were covered by heaping up of the
earth, it was seventy-eight feet in circum-
ference at the ground, and its branches
overshadowed half an acre. 1t IS now
ruin, with a hollow in its trunk IN which
at least forty people may stand'-Irentois
IN. u American.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
A SUDDEN FALL IN VALUE.

stranger-''Haye you any choice lots
on hand2"
Landowner-'Yes, sir; yes, sir, some
thing finel The incest lots that ever laid
outdoOrsl There are two; all improve
ments, convenient to cars, clear title, etc.
They are choice, but I will make them
fifteen hundred for cash"
Stranger-''Well, I'm not buying; I'm
making assessments-did you say fifteen
hundred each for these lotsl"
Landowner (hastily)-''No, oh, no, for
the twol"
stranger-"Any more choice Iots?"
Landowner-''That's all; just about
sold out "-Epoch.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Mr.. Plaintalk-"Have you travelled
much, Miss Elderlyl"
Miss Elderly-"Indeed I have. Every
summer since my sixteenth year dear papa
has taken me off for "trip abroad"
ais that sol Well, I don't suppose
that there is any country that you have not
visited. "-iSiftings.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
A DESERVED FATE.

Editor-'TFiin sorry, Squaggs, but
you'll have to 60"
Foreman-'I'd like to know what I've
done"
Editor-''Well I wrote about that gal
liant old war horse Colonel Billinger, and
you set it up that gallous old saw horse.
It's your place or my life, and I want to
live. n--Hdrper's Bdzar.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
FIGURES LIE SOMETIMES.

Bobby-"Papa, how many feet are
there in one yardl"
Papa-"A linear yard contains three,
a square yard nine, and a cubic yard
twenty-seven square feet.
Bobby-"Can't there be more than
twenty-seyen feet in any yard2"
Papa-''No."
Bobby-"That's where you're off. Our
barnyard has got ten cows in it, and each
COW has got four feet, which makes forty
eet."-BlRghamtoa Republican.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

There is g weIl-grounded idea in En-
glish army circles that there are TOO many
oaieeH in proportion 70 the number Of
priyates ia the service. A scheme has
accoraingly been devised By which many
n the generals al present In receipt Of
large pay Tor more OF less ornamental
service shan be dispensed with. Eatu-
sziiyfhe prapozal has aroused considerable
autagonism, and II Is not al all certain
that il viii be carried out, however much
i would Re Of benefit 10 the taxpayers.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
THE op1ArEs WERE FOE ure

Mrs. Gabb-'eWhat is the matter with
my husbanda"
Doctor-"Nothing, except that he
needs change. 1 prescribe opiates and
rest.
Mrs. Gabb-"shall give him the OPT
ates at once2"
Doctor-''Oh, the opiates are not for
him; they are for you. "-O7aeea Week.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
SHE WOULD BE An AUNT TO HIN

Edith-'No, Herbert, can never be
your wife, but l will bel
"Herbert-''Don't say sister to me.
So many girls have said that"
Edith-"I wasn't going to say that.
was going to say that I shall be delighted
to be your aunt accepted your Uncle
George last night. Once Week.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

The most extensive building in the
world iz undoubtedly Machinery Hall, in
the Pans Exposition. It is nearly a
quarter q mile long and so feet broad.
Iia roof. which covers GO, 600 square feet,
Is one great arch. Epanding the entire dis
tance from side 70 side, without a single
iu-erseulug support.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

A county II Arizona Is larger than the
STATE q NHszaehusstts, yet II has not a
single doctor within is borders. It's IS
the healtiliest traet IN the country, CON-
ments the Chicago Herald. and its few
graveyasds are peopled only By victims
u he lead poisoning 50 peculiar to from
ter districts.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

.Engiish piclpockets. " says the Lon
don Grp2ie, ..hare hitherto carried of
Che pain among such hght-fngered gen
tTy, but statistics gathered by the Partisan
poles show that the British now only
bold the third rank. The spanisrd is
the most sldlful Of all, and does his work
with tEe fingers only, while the Italian
comes nert, operating much in tbe same
efsIe
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Paris papers consider that the King
Of Hollands address to the State General,
IL winch be asked Tat sc. eco troops be
kept armed 70 defend Dutch neutrality,
IS a grave event, indicating expected
German action.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

The Minneapolis Tribune has II some
way diseoveTsa thar the blue bird, which
CONES 70 rs IN the carly spring, with the
ezbltps and the hand organ, can van
80 he E1glizh sparrow il single con-
BAT VIII tbs fact as basis Il moyes
70 Gust the bald-headed eagle from its
place Is the American bird and substitute
the pl1cky little warbler which goes
dressed ID shc uniform Of Uncle Sam.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

There is every probability, states the
New YORK 9iaes, that japan viii soon
become entirely Independent Of other
countries as regards its coal supply, vast
coal 6elds having been recently discovered
on the islands Of Kinsio and Yesso.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

The Atlanta Constitution alleges that
New York is & centre Of misery. The
police estimate thar 1000 people walk
The streets not knowing where 10 sleep al
night. and 1000 others sleep SIS best
they can, not knowing where to get a
breakfast in the morning"
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

il is alleged, observes the New York
Commaeial Adserfissr, that the sale Of
banai, is, which IN 1888 were imported 70
the value Of s.. l72, 900 ian increase Of
$500, 600 over the year Previous), is IN
ierfering with the sale Of berries.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

? Chicago has afforded from time to time
ample evidences, asserts the New York
zlnes, that she cable system Of propell-
ing street cars is not adapted 70 the crowd.
ed streets ef cities Il occasions frequent
injuries 70 people crossing the streets snd
is subject todelags that produce vexatious
obstruction.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Its estimated By the head of one Of
The largest banking houses in New York
city that at least 500, 600, 600 win be
cent 70 Europe this year to meet travel
ers' credits. This is an immense drain
on lhe financial resources Of the United
Stoseq
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
c1v1L1r1Es BETWEEN DEAR FRIENDS.

Miss Clearinghouse dining with her
friend, swectly)-"What perfectly lovely
coffee you make, Laura don't think
ever tasted any that was just-just ex-
actly like it, you know"
Miss Kajones (still more sweetly)-'I
always use genuine coffee. So glad you
like it, Irene, dearr '-C Chicago Tribune.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

'fMother, 1 say, motherl"
'fWhat is it, my sonl"
"Why don't you talk some, motherl"
"What do you want me to say, John
nie7"
"Well, you might say: Johnnie, don't
you want doughnut2' Philadelphia
Press.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

"Johnnie, is it proper to say
peaches is better than watermelonsp
Johnnie (who evidently has his likes
ard dislikes)-"No, ma'am."
Teacher-''Well, you may correct the
sentence"
Johnnie 'Watermelons is better than
peaches Judge
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
WOULDN'T SUIT THE FURNITURE.

Doctor-''No wonder you are sick.
Open the blinds and let the sunshine into
your ROOM"
Fair Patient-"M Mercy! 1t wouldn't
harmonic with this expensive furniture.
Sunshine is disgustingly cheap."-Netc
York Weekly.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Hotel Clerk-"Do you wish to walk
to the railroad station, or shall I call a
hack? It is only block distant"
Fat Man-''Get me a carriage. If
Providence had intended me to walk I
would have been provided with more
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

He-'Tm the piano tuner, num-"
She-'I haven't sent for my piano
tuner
He-"Yes mum, know mum; it were
the gentleman next door sent me here,
mum. "-Sgtings.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
THE DOCTORS AGREED.

skeptic-"Didy you ever know two doc
tors to agreel"
Medical Student (after refection)-
eyes; once"
"Where was it?''
SAT post mortem. "-NstO York Well
I,t
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Scientists seen to be unable TO decide
whether death by electricity IS always
painless or not.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Owing TO neglect on the part Of the
city government tie city Of Boston is
without q Potters field N which to bury
her indieeut dead.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
pHE oN1Y ALTERNATTvE.

He-"Will you marry met"
She (coldly)-''No; nor won't be a
sister either. You're too young"
He-"Will you be a grandmother to
me, hen7"-Tri5une.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

The large coal fields recently discovered
in Tonquin- China, are expected TO revo-
Iuionize the shipping traffic in the
O.ient
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

II is estimated that visitors and ex-
hibitors at the Paris Exposition viii leave
ss00, O0O, 600 in Paris.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

It's asserted that during the EXPOSE
fiou Paris siopkeepers have raised prices
fully fifty per cent, but only to
sfangen.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Idsho Territory is actively bestirring
itself in the matter Of securing admission
to the Union.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

-Four million of New England's dollar
have just been put into the new Alabams
town Of Fort Payne.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
What it Costs to Run a Locomotive.

The following statement of averages,
says Benjamin Norton in Seri6ner, repre-
sents fairly what it costs to run loco
motive under ordinary conditions:
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

The white population Of Texasinereases
more rapidly than the black.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Little Johnnie approached his mother
as she was laying away a pan of fresh
laid doughnuts.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Miss Burton looked tenderly at James
as she uttered the above sentiment and
softly sighed. What wonder the young
mans heart beat violently, and his brain
was in a whirl7 Was not he hobnob-
bling, so TO speak, with the beautiful and
aristOcratic heiress Of whom the whole
asseniblage stood in awe, whose praises
had been so loudly and persistently sung
by her uncle, the doughty squire.
The good people of GAINESVILLE and
vicinity being early risers were necessa-
rily early retirers; consequently the festi-
val came TO an abrupt end at far earlier
hour than Miss Burton's accustomed bed
time
How short the evening has seemed,
Dir. Monroe, " she said, as she gave him
her hand at parting, 'and have you to
thank for It. VIII you not call on me
tomorrow afternoon or EVENING" Some
thing tells me We are TO be the best of
friends. VIII you coslel"
~ shall be delighted to do so,n said
JAMES. Squire Hurtom coming up at that
moment, the young man reluctantly left
the heiress and proceeded TO seek out his
deserted and till then forgotten be-
trothed He found her seated near the
entrance to the grounds, having with her
an old lady whom she had prevailed upon
10 remain with her until her recreant
lover made his appearance She was very
quiet, and as they passed near the large
lantern st the gateway leading from the
scene Of the festivity, james noticed that
she was deathiy pale and that there was
an oIninous glitter in her jet black eyes.
The evening was wonderful one. The
stars shoae brightly, the moon was at the
full, and q cool breeze unsteady rustled
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Figures show that the sustaining
limit Of the globe VIII soon be reached.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Number of miles run to pint of OIL. 1882
Number Of miles run to ton of coal. 1917
Number of pounds of coal per mile run 1852
Number of pints of oil per mile run. OO6
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.

The Commercial TraveIer-A Neigh
Dor Sent Him-CIeaned the Chick
en- With Soap-His Favorite
Speech is Hello" Etc.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

HIS FAMOUS SPEECH IS HELLO" ETC.
Crimsonbeak-"Y remember our
old friend, Bella"
Yeast-"Certainly"
"He has developed into a public
speaker"
"You don't say7"
Eyes; he's a clerk in telephone
office. "-StdtesmaR.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18

Buenos Ayrss comsenplstes holding q
xorid's lair.
The San Saba news. [volume] (San Saba, Tex.) 1873-1966, 1889-10-18
CLEANED THE oHIcKEN WITH soar.

Mistress entering the litchen)-
''Bridget, have you cleaned the chicken
yeti"
New Cook with an injured air.
GAS well as 1 could, mum, with nothing
but yellow soap to clane it with. -
Chicago Tribune
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-09-19
The Uses of Electricity.

People are prepared to accept any
claims put forth for electricity. 1t is
apparently to be the motive power in
transit for passengers and things to an
extent impossible now to limit. It
has not probably occurred to some
that it is to be valuable factor in the
churches. 1t lights them at night.
and in New York many of the largest
organs are pumped by electricity. and
it is believed this will become gen.
eral where the connections are posi-
BILE. The telephone has shown its
possibilities in the way of reporting
sermons to the absent The phono-
graph. too, will come and record the
words and voice. and reproduce them.
no doubt eventually with fullness OF
expression and volume. Talmage and
other great preachers will speak their
discourses into the monographs with
all the vocal ranges, and they will be
repeated to audiences all over the
country. The photoscope will be per-
fected so as to present the speaker
with all his dramatic posing and eye
rolling, and electricity will be the in
ducing agent to all the church re-
citals.-St. Paul Globe.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-09-19
Comfort for Young Poets.

DR.. T. NJ. Coan gives piece of adj
vice to young writer's which may be of
service to some of them. He says:
Write poetry! You can not write too
much if only you will spare your
friends. Discipline yourself, but do
not ask any one to read or publish the
verse you write. Verse-making is the
best possible practice for writing
prose; it trains you in careful choice
of words; it forces upon your con-
seriousness host of synonyms that
you might never stop to find when you
are ambling along in prose; it makes
you think of clear expressions, of
melody, of iveliness, of condolences
of every quality. indeed, that prose as
we'll as poetry demands. Verse-writ-
ing. in a word, is the best possible
tonic for the indolent writer of prose;
for one can not write even tolerable
poetry without taking pains. -
Youths Companion.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-09-19
Notices for Various People.

The Toper-Put me in my little bed.
The Collaborating the bell softly.
The Doctor-All's well that ends
we'll.
The Hatter-Will he ever shoot that
hat?
The Cabman-Han'som is that
hanson does.
The Pickpocket-Myh heart goes with
my hand.
The Policeman-Far from the mad
ding crowd.
The Insurance Mana long life and
a merry one.
The Thin Man-May my shadow
never grow less.
The Pugilist-Knocking, knocking;
who is there.
The Fat Man-Oh. that this too, too
solid flesh would melt.
The Politician-A long pull. a strong
pull and a pull all together.
The Old Maid-'Tis better to have
loved and lost than to have never loved
at all.
The Editor-All liars shall have
their part in the lake that burneth
with fire and brimstone.-N. 7. Herald.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-09-19
7HE BIGGEST FISH.

When, in the halcyon days Of old, Twas little
tyke,
4 used to fish in piekerel ponds for ,pinnows
and the like:
And, oh. the bitter sadness with which my soul
was fraught
When rambled home at nightfall with the
puny string I'D caught!
And oh, the indignation and the valor I'd dis
play
When claimed that all the biggest ash I'd
caught had got away!
sometimes it was the rusty hooks. sometimes
the fragile lines.
And many times the treacherous reeds would
foil my just designs:
But whether hooks or lines or reeds were act
ually to blame
I kept right on at losing all the monsters. just
the same
never lost little fish-yes. am free to say
1t always was the biggest fish caught that got
away.
And so it was, when, later on, felt ambition
From callow minnow joys to nobler greed for
pike and bass.
found it quite convenient when the beauties
wouldn't bite
And returned all bootless from the watery
chase at night.
To fegn a CHEEKY aspect and recount in &C
cents gay
How the biggest fish that had caught had
somehow got away.
And. really, fish look bigger than they before
they re caught
When the pole is bent into bow and the slen.
der line IS taut,
When q fellow feels his heart rise up like
a doughnut in his throat
And he lunges in frenzy up and down the
leaky boati
Oh, you who've been a-fishing will indorse me
when say
That it always is the biggest fish you catch
that gets away!
IT'S even so in other things-yes, in our greedy
eyes
The biggest boon is some elusive never-capt-
ured prize;
We angle for the honors and the sweets OF hu-
man life
Like fishermen we brave the seas that roll in
endless strife;
And then at last, when all is done and we are
spent and gray,
We own the biggest fish we've caught are those
that got away.
would not have it otherwise; tits better there
should be
Much bigger fish than have caught a-swim-
ming in the sea:
For how some worthier one than may angle
for the game
May by his arts entice, entrap and comprehend
the same;
Which. having done, perchance he'll bless the
man who's proud to say
That the biggest fish he ever caught were those
that got away.
Chicago News.