The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1889-01-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Berlin scientist says salt is condu- :
Give to longevity, but it appears to
have failed in the case of Lots wife, /
NorristotOa Herald.
Beaver-Harkins is man who al |
ways holds fast to the truth. Cleverly
Yes; notice he never lets it escape
him.-Drake's Magazine.
And now they have begun to in
uuire: lis Love a FailureP" You
bet it isn't! No, not by over. forty
girls. Detroit Free Press.
Singerly- Jawkins, did you ever
hear me sing ''Within Mile O. Edin-
boro Toon?" Jawkins-No, nor within
n mile of any other tune.-1errc Haute
Express.
Professor of journalism-Mr. Smith,
how would you answer an unaswcrable
argument in an opposition paper?
Student Call it q ''yawp. ."-1erre
Haute Express.
A Philadelphia man boasts that his
wife is mistress of five tongues. The
average man doesn't ask that his wife
be mistress of more than one.-Rich-
mO,ad Despatch.
Highway robberies grow more COM
mon as winter comes on" says news
paper. The loss of the summer hotel
will not be felt SO keenly after all
Merchant Trdveter.
Mrs. Gabb reading) = Wakefield
has millionaire who sleeps in the
barn with his horse. Mr.. Gabb (bru-
fally)-Well, horses don't talk.-Phit-
adelphia Record.
Mrs. W.-What are you doing, dear?
MIR. w. .-Musing on the infinite. Mrs.
W.-You must stop it. You'll go
crazy if you keep your mind fixed on
your debts.-Lye.
First lawyer(in court-room)-''What
are all those buckets for?" Second
lawyer-'.Breach of promise case ou
and the plaintiff is expected to testify
this morning. ."-Judge.
81 am opposed to all games of
chance" said Rawson. ''And yet you
got marriedp" said Lawson. Yes,
and that's why / am SO strongly OPP
posed to 'em. "-Drake's Magazine.
Belle (third season, languidly)
dear, wish l had been born IN Eng
lish peeressi" Another belle 0irst
season) why, sweetest = because
you are tired of trying 10 become one"
Lye.
II SltiuN Va Tic ScTNtii1 Sltl HucStiOu
discluses the extraordinary fact that
the greater part of our domestic intel
ligcnce is foreign intelligence, and a
low grade of Intelligence at that
Puck.
Even kings must die and millionaires
have their troubles. The man who
sits on q throne, or even one who is
possessed of $10,000,000 can't keep
his trousers from bagging at the knees.
s-PucE.
Asks an American humorist: "If
strong drink is a mocker what is weak
tea?" About five cents cup, we be-
lieve.. Come to think about it, weak
coffee may be mocha, too.-DrG5e's 5
Magazine.
20, ma, did You think | was lost?"
said Jennie, who had gone for walk
around the block and returned five
hours afterwar,l. No" replied her
mother. Il thought that young man
had found you. .'-New York San.
Somebody has invented a waist at
tachment." 1t may be less armful
than the old waist attachment, gener-
ally applied after the old folks have
gone to bed, but it will never become
half so popular.-Drake's Magazine.
'Who was that girl with you yester.
day afternoon, McCracklee" She is
one of the most popular girls IN town,
Cumso." s'Indeedi' Yes, she has
more callers than any other girl. in
fact. She is the telephone girl at Cen
tralr "-DrGke's Magazine.
81 tell you what" said Springhunter
in boasting tone, ''my wife IS the
best bargain-maker l ever saw. Why.
she gathered lot of dead leaves be-
cause they were fall remnants. and
every night she sings our youngest to
sleep with lullabuy. Detroit Free
Press.
Trackman Ito tramp)-"Sure, yez
had better get off the track, the fasht
mail is due" Tramp-.Say, boss.
yer don't tink I'd let it run over me.
do YEP" 'Begorra, it isn't that fear,
but the engineer will tex the nose of
yez for ared light and shtop the train"
-TerGs Siftings.
Jinks-Johnson wants to borrow
810 from me. Is he good for that
amountP Binks-Yes, with proper
securities. Jinks-What would you
suggest? Binks-A chain and pad
lock, pair of handouts. and dog.
That would be enough, think, to hold
him.-Loradon Ift-Bits.
''You should never point, Johnnie"
said Mrs. Brown, as they left the store.
alt is rude" but what are you to do,
ma, when you don't know the name of
the thingP" Why" she returned,
''let the clerk show you everything in
the store until he comes to the right
one. ."-NeU York San.
Mrs. Blinks did nobly at
church to-day. Instead of going to
sleep during the sermon you listened
attentively to every word.' Mr..
Blinks-"Best sermon / ever heard
Glorious! The way he pitched into
rich men like Winks and Minks aud
Jinks just did me good. Philadelphia
Record.
Experienced tramp stHelloi we're
in luck. / hear a husband and wife
quarreling in this house. I'll wait uu-
til he comes out" Fresh tramp-''Wot
good IL that doP" "Ill tell him I'm a
wanderer over the face of the earth
because can't live with my wife, and
he'll give me a dollar. ~ -PhiladeLphiG
Record.
Professor Coming angrily out of
his study)-"Did not ask particular
1y that you would be quiet? and what
noise you maker Wife ION the
floor in tears)-''O, forgive me. l was
putting up the curtains and the step
ladder fell over" Husband-"Weil,
can't you do anything quietlyP" -
Fliegerade Blaetter.
Mrs. Goshley (tremulously)-Does
the doctor give us any hope, MMy?
Mary Goyously) Yes. ma'am. He
says the worst is over and Mr.. Goshley
will recover. Mrs. Goshlev (tearfullvl
Go down to Yardley & Ribbons and'
tell them not to send that sealskin
sack. / had hoped the life insurance
would pay for it.-LoaoeN Citizen.
Visitor-"Is your daughter a MEM
Der of the Shakespeare Club, Mrs.
BlissP" Mrs. b ''Yes, she's the
President. They've finished Tanning
of the Wild Shrew,' and now they are
reading Much About Doing Nothing
That's one comfort, as my dear father
used to say of us. The children are