Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-09-16

The canons of criticism are useful In
literary battles.
Names exclusively for the fair sex con-
stitute a nomenclature.
Street Loafer-Hello, boy! what's new
in the paper to-day? Smart Newsboy-
The date.
He rejected)-Well, you may 90 fur
Their and fare worse. She-Yes, but it
can't be done around here.
The average man at the summer resort
is like a lighted candle-the longer he
continues the ''shOrter" he grows.
Mr.. Speaker, I've got the floor. So l.
perceive, sir, and if your feet were lit
tie larger you'd have the whole block.
As the butcher adds his hand to the
weight of the steak, he piously signs to
himself, love to steal, a while, weigh.
A boy recently hung himself because
somebody found fault with him. That
boy was not born to be Il country editor.
He-What did your pater say when you
told him we were engaged? She-Oh, yon
UluSb uOb dSh llC W 1NPCh1 ouNh
A correspondent suggests that John L.
Sullivan's bust be placed on the new 2
cent postage stamps. But Sullivan can't
be licked.
"How Long Girls Should be courted,"
is the title of an article in Texas paper.
Very much the same as short girls, we
should say.
At school-Now, my little dears, can
you tell me the plural of child? Young
ster-( frantically raising his arm)-Yes,
sir; can. Twins!
Gazzam-DO you know the favorite re-
mark of the Prince of Wales? McCorkle-
No; what is it? Gazzam-It's long
time between coronations.
She-Oh, see that scarecrow out there
in the field. He-That isn't a scarecrow.
She-It must be. See how motionless it
is. He-That's the hired man.
Lady (horses running away - Dear,
dear, dear, what will become of me? New
Coachman (grimly) -Madam, it depends
on your past life. I'm all right.
He-Talking about names, L wish Il
could get mine changed. l think it is too
ugly for anything. She (enthusiastical-
ly)-Oh, don't, L think it is just lovely
Well, doctor, how did you enjoy your
journey? How did you like the savages?
oh, they were very kind-hearted people
they wanted to keep me there for dinner.
Higgins heard you lost pile on
Change yesterday. Wigglns-You heard
right. Higgins-Were you a bull or
bear? Wiggins-Neithe 1 was jack
ass.
Charley-I hear that you called at Miss
Sweetleigh's last evening. Did they re-
ceive you with open arms? Harry-Not
exactly; but they allowed me to depart
with open doors.
Tom (angrily)-Did you hear Dick call
me fool? Harry-No; on the contrary
he paid you compliment. All, what did
he say? He said that you were not the
only fool in the world.
Lady-Has any one called while L have
been out? Cook-Yes'm; August Pom
norman was here. LADY, don't know
the gentleman. Cook-Not likely, ma'am.
He only came to see me.
DIR. Squills-There is nothing serious,
sir; your wife has merely bit little skin
off the end of her tongue. Mr.. Henpeck
End of her tongue! Great Scott II didn't
know there was any end to it.
A girl caught the small pox on Pacific
Mail steamer and her father has sued the
company for $4,000 1t is not enough
that the patient is pitted. Something
more substantial than pity is wanted.
1t is claimed that a new discovery in
tanning will revolutionize the leather bus
mess and make shoes five times as dura-
BILE as they are now. The revolution will
be not only in shoemaking, but in lasting
In French translation of Macbeth, y
the well known apostrophe, "Hail, Mac
beth !" was rendered, Comment vous
portez-vous, M. Macbeth" There is but
one step from the sublime to the ridicu-
lous.