davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
ALLEGED HUMOR.
written with Our Five Dollar Shear,


Explained-"To what do you at
tribute your success in life? asked
the economist ITO my failure" re-
piled the ex-merchant.- Life.
An Omaha man has an egg he
claims he has kept for 10 years. 1t
must be decade egg, of course
Ready to Back Anything-Host-
"Can you ride, Mr.. Lightfoot ?"
Easy Guest Ride? l belong to IA
secret societies. Bring on your mus
tang = Brooklyn Eagle.
Teacher 1t seems you are never
able to answer any of my questions.
How is this my little boy ?" Little
Johnnie-'If l know the things you
asked me, ma am, dad wouldn't go
to the trouble of sending me here. >
Harper'S Bazaar.
A True Sign. Jones-There was a
dog bowling under my window last
night, and-Smith knowingly
That was sign of death. Jones'
You bet it was! And, as l was going
to say, it was the first time | ever
found brick when l wanted one
Life.
Sunday School Teacher" Children,
verse, Verify, say unto you that a
rich man shall hardly enter into the
kingdom of Heaven p" Thoughtful
Boy-"We learn that it's going to be
good deal harder to get into Heaven
than it is to get into the United
States Senate Christian Regis
ter.
| Getting His Hand In. "Pwhat
yez dom Dennis ~ Getting my
hand in for a place on de perlice. De
tin cans a buggler, an de hats an
inaffensive citizen" ''An' why don t
yez foire at de buggler instid av the
citizen ~ Hist, man! I'm doing
what der perlice does. y Harper's
Weekly
Cant you put a poor starving
man in the way of getting a bite of
bread ~ inquired a hungry tramp as
he presented himself at the door
where lived the humorist of the local
paper. why, certainly, my poor
man." said the kind-hearted wife of
the humorist, 'here is a cake of yeast
that YOU are welcome to-" But
can't eat yeast, ma am" mo; but
perhaps you can raise some bread
with it; we do" And the hungry
tramp lifted his hat and retreated in
the shadow of q smile that was sub
lime Boston Courier.
Black Ian expert stenographer)-
Say, Green, the boy from the Journal
office is here after the transcript of
that temperance lecture. Is it most
finished? Green Ga novice)-All but
a short sentence in about the middle
of it, and I'll be hanged if can make
out from my notes what it is. Black
Just insert great applause" and
let it go. Green acts upon sugges-
ton, and the lecture is sent to the
Journal office for publication with
the doctored part reading: "Friends,
| will detain you but little longer. y
Great applause. III Life.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
PROCTOR As A HUMORIST.

Secretary Proctor possesses qual1-
ficatiOn that has been entirely unSuS-
pected until a few days ago. He has
blossOmed out as a humorist. This
is rather surprising to the many peo-
pie in Washington who know Mr..
Proctor only by heresay, but his in
innate friends, who have known him
long, say that he has an lneXhaustl-
BILE fund of humor. 1t was at the
banquet of the Loyal Legion in Balti-
more, a few evenings ago, that the
secretary gave his new Washington
friends the first evidence of his wit.
The secretary was called upon to
speak about the army to the large
gathering of officers and other dis
tinguished persons. They prepared
themselves tor dull half hour, and
expected to be bored numerically.
They were, however, happily sur
prised at the secretary's speech. He
arose III a deliberate, hesitating sort
of way when called upon, and began
his speech by saying that as all the
persons present were interested in all
that pertained to the good name and
standing of the army, he would en-
deavor to entertain and instruct
them by reading a few columns of
statistics from a very valuable docu-
ment which he had taken the precau
ton to bring with him. Then, with
out suggestion of a smile, the sec
rotary gazed at his vast audience,
who painfully showed the uncOm-
Portable state which they were in.
He drew from his pocket a copy of
his annual report. Then, as his hear
ers were wondering if he really meant
to read it to them, the author said
that the statistics were correct, he
knew, having prepared them himself.
About this time, the fact that the
solemn and somewhat sOur-looking
head of the war department was
playing a joke upon them, began to
dawnupon the minds of the old sol
diers, and, apprecia ting the situation,
they arose and applauded the secre-
tary' $ hit until his first annual report
was entirely forgotten. For half an
hour the secretary kept the great
crowd in a roar of laughter, and in
his quiet, careless, homely style, much
resembling that of Lincoln, the
humorist of the administration play
ed with his audience. A United
States senator who was present says
that he never listened to q more hui
morous speech, SO cleverly delivered,
as that which the grim-visaged sec
rotary of war addressed to his I'M
suspecting audience. He says the
wit and l1umor of his remarks were
pure and inimitable, and that the
secretary would make his fortune as
an actor of comedy 81 Washington
Correspondent of N. Y. Commercial
Advertiser
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
VILLAGE HOUSES AND FARMS
FOR SALE

Village residences from $1,000 to $4,000.
Farms at any price, according to location.
32tf w. H. PRESTON,
Agent for sale of all kinds of real estate
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26

needed reforms. If such reforms are
not necessary in Vermont they will
do no harm
Don'tin covertly trying to throttle
public opinion on this question, pro-
fess to want TO extend It to the eau
Gus, which, while recognized as tea-
ture of party movements, is yet I'M
known to the law Don't be horrl-
fed at the thought of the expense to
the state in printing the necessary
ballots as one of the guarantees OF a
really secret and honest ballot. The
ballot was intended originally as a
means of providing for secrecy
Don't cavil at the necessary means
to make that guarantee secure now.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
VERMONT NEEDS BALLOT REFORM

The St. Adams Sentry prints a let
ter from a gentleman prominent in
political and professional circles of
Franklin county that contains some
exceedingly pertinent thoughts upon
the subject of ballot reform:
In the midst of the almost unani-
nous cry of honest American citizens
for some remedy for the Overwhelm-
ing tide of corruption which has
swept over the land in the matter of
the exercise of the right of suffrage.
and notably in the last presidential
election, the Montpelier Waterman,
Burlington Clipper and st. Adams
Messenger are inquiring why any
necessity for ballot reform in Yer
mont? What evidence is there that
in Vermont there is the slightest
hindrance to every voters casting
his ballot unawed by power or unin-
f1uenced by intrigue ?'
If in the course of the discussion it
becomes necessary to enl1ghten those
gentlemen on this point they shall
have it to their hearts content But
in the first place it would become
the secret foes of this beneficent re-
form to show cause why Vermont
should be singled out and made an
exception to the general rule of bal
lot reform that is fast prevailing ev
eTywhere. 1t is a necessary reform
if the influence of a plutocracy of
wealth, growing more and more in
solent every hour and more and more
defiant of the popular voice, is to be
beaten. That is the question, gen
tlemen. Come out boldly in your
opposition You profess to have
great confidence in the integrity and
intelligence of the people. If your
profound confidence is well founded,
you can trust them to carry out
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
PER CENT
20 YEAR GOLD BONDS

We offer at par and interest $500, 900 Bear
Lake and River Water Works and Irrigation
Co. Bonds. due in 1909, interest payable
April st and October LIST
These bonds a portion of a total OF
So, 600, 900, and are issued to complete the
construction of 20 miles of canals diverting
the water of Bear Lake and Bear River into
the Great Salt Lake Valley, Utah, for irrigat-
ing $50. 900 acres of land, and to supply the
City of Ogden and other towns with water
for domestic and manufacturing purposes.
They secured by first mortgage on all
the property, canals. franchises and water
rights belonging to the Irrigation Company.
including many thousand acres of fertile land
in Salt Lake Valley. The right is reserved to
advance the price without notice. For full
information. address inquire al the offices
of the
JARVIS-CONKLIN MORTGAGE TRUST co.
No. 239 Broadway, New York; No. SIS
Walnut street Philadelphia; No. &C State
street Boston, Mass, and No. 81 Custom
House street, Providence, r. l., or
22-5l L c. CLARK. st. Iohnsbury. Vt.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
EDWARD BELLAMY AT BOSTON.

At the first anniversary of the Ma
tional movement at Boston last
Thursday, Edward Bellamy, author
of that remarkable book, Looking
Backward" delivered an address on
the aims of the NationaIists. Copi-
Gus extracts from his address are
here given:
No republic can long exist unless
there be substantial equality in the
wealth of its citizens. Without it,
social equalityis at an end, industrial
independence is destroyed while con-
stitutional provisions as to equal
rights become ridiculous. This re-
public was founded 100 years ago
upon a material equality among the
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26

You Scratch Ny Back and TH Scratch
Yours.
The Bennington Banners hand
somely illustrated report of the lay
ing of the monument cap-stone was
one of the most creditable journal
istic efforts of the year in Vermont
Rutland Herald. This coming from
our wide awake contemporary, is
highly priced TheHerald is certain
ly the foremost daily in the state,
and it stands well in comparison
with many of the city dailies ALSO
Bennington Banner.
"VOices in the Air"
The truth of the matter probably
is that not 500 of the voters wish to
hear these voices" The most of
them understand perfectly we'll that
at the proper time they will be asked
to ratify by the votes of their dele
gates in convention the nomination
of some one, of whom they know
little and about whom they care
less. That has been about the size
of the performance called the state
convention for several years past
moon" this time around, and it NAV
be that the friends of no one of the
candidates will be able to carry his
nominate to the convention in
their pockets MiddleburyRegister
The Presidents Message.
President Harrison's approval of
service pensions extends to those
persons who served in the army. and
who, being dependent upon their
daily labor. are now disabled. Sec
rotary Noble takes the same ground,
and asks the sum of $97 ,21O, $50 for
pensions next year, against $685.
275, 113.2S for last year, which was
an increase of So, 499 PSI SO upon
the preceding year. The next de-
mand will be probably 800, OOO, 900.
In this proposition of an enormously
increasing pension fund there is the
material of resolute differences of
opinion, without the least difference
of patriotic feeling or of gratitude to
the~soldiers of the Union Harper's
Weekly
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
FARM FOR SALE IN
EAST PEACHAM, VERMONT

Consisting of rs acres suitably divided into
moving, pasturage and til1age, with an
abundance ofwood and timber. Good sugar
and apple orchard. Buildings nearly new
and in excellent repair. Barn with new Sio,
elevated driveway and other modern inn
provements. Never failing running water.
Location most desirable within fifteen min
utes walk of churches and of Peacham Acad-
emy-one of the oldest and best preparatory
schools in Vermont; also within five minutes
walk of store, school and post office. For
terms and further particulars apply to
MRS. SAMANTHA L. MCLAUGHLIN,
loft f. Peacham, VT.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1889-12-26
FARM FOR SALE.

1 will sell the P. S. Stevens farm 100 acres
land, plenty of wood and timber choice sugar
place, nice buildings. farm in high state OF
cultivation, at a VERY LOW price if sold
soon. One half the purchase money can re
main on mortgage at per cent if desired
Call on address e. Z. ALLEN,
92f st. Johnsbury Centre, VT
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13
Mooushiner Captured.

BEATRICE, Ncb., Dec. G.-James
IIutchins, the alleged moonshiner whose
outfit was captured twenty miles south
of this city about week ago. was ar
rested in town this afternoon. Hutchins
seems to be travelling under several
aliases and letters found on him after
his arrest indicate him to be fugitive
from justice and that he is undoubtedly
the same individual that is wanted
III Madison county for an attempt
TO kill Captain Goodrich at Meadow
Grove last summer. Hutchins was
arrested at tho time and escaped Jail
after his preliminary examination, and
has not been heard Of since except on
his arrest here today. In an interview
with your correspondent he admits to
having been engaged in the indiscrin-
mate manufacture of whisky in this
state, but at the same time claims to be
IL government distilier. He clans that
the still found in Gage county some
days ago was an old still kettle, but that
it had not been in use for years. The
Madison county authorities have been
notified of Hutchins' capture and he
will be held here until their arrival.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13
Eulosies hx Public Men.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 7.-Senator Re-
gan, ex-postmaster-genera of the con-
federacy, was seen at the telegraph
office yesterday, just as he was sending
telegram of coincidence to the family
of Jefferson Davis. He said the prin-
cipal motive which actuated Davis in
going into the rebellion was to secure a
government that should be friendly to
the people. He was an intense believer
in the doctrine that the states should
control absolutely their domestic affairs,
and the general government had no
power or authority to act outside of the
matters specially delegated to it.
"Will his death affect in any way the
sentiment In favor of accepting the re-
suits of the war as final?"
'Not at all. Why, Mr.. Davis himself
always urged the fullest acceptance OF
the present condition of affairs"
"Why did he not ask to have his disa-
bilities removed?"
because he did not feel that he had
done anything which required him c
ask any mans pardon. lie had done
his duty as he had conscientiously seen
it, and he had no apologies to make
| tnereiOr.
| Postmaster-General Wanamaller said
| The passing away of jefferson Davis
shuts from view tn, last great landmark OF
| the terrible war. If it could end all divis
ions and strifes n new day of pence ant
prosperity would dawn upon the land
Ex-Attorney-General Garland believed
that when Davis whole life and charac
ter are considered and analyzed in ar
unclouded atmosphere by a cool, dispas
sionate people, he will hold very higf
| place in history.
Justic Lamar said:
The whole people of Mississippi are il
grief. My personal relations with hin
were not only kind, but atfectionate. AS {
public man my estimate of him was of
most exalted character. He was man o
intellect, honor and craftsmanship.
Senator George said:
Whatever may be said of Mr.. Davis b.
some of his contemporaries who differed
with him, am sure the Judgment of pos
terity will be that he was pure, able ant
patriotic citizen.
Senator Walthall said:
Mr.. Davis in his last days had a stronge
mold on the affections of his own peopl
han he had in the time of his creates
power There will be universal mournin:
the SOUTH
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13
JEFFERSON DAVIS FUNERAL.
1t Will Take Place on Next "Wednesday
The Southern Statesman Eulogined.

1t Will Take Place on Next Wednesday,
The Southern Statesman Eulo.ized.
NEW ORLEANS, Dec. 7.--Arrange-
ments for the funeral of Jefferson Davis
are only partly completed, but it is
known that it will take place next
Wednesday. Business will be gener-
ally suspended in the city, ane all city
and state officials will attend in body.
Bishop Galleher will conduct the relig-
ceremonies. The remains will be de-
posted temporarily in a vault in one of
the associations Of confederate veterans.
Governors, statesmen, military and
public men generally from all over the
south announce their intention of being
present at the funeral
Mr. Davis body was removed from the
Payne mansion to the city hall at 1l:l5
las night, where the remains will be in
state until next Wednesday. The hall
is heavily draped in black, which was
relieved with the red, white and blue of
the stars and stripes. There were rich
floral decorations everywhere, besides
crossed swords and other military de-
vices AT the head of the hall hung a
portrait of the dead man, richly fes-
tooned with Grape, through which
Sparkled incandescent sparks like tiny
stars. The catafalque was draped in
plain black and the coffin was covered
with black plush, eyed wish broad black
braid.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13

Lady Dufferin, in her notes on India,
says: Tho Burmese women are grest
personages, and play great part in
their households. They chose their
own husbands and divorce them when
they like, retaining their own property
and all that they have earned; they are
at liberty to marry again, whether as
widows or Divorces. Mr.. Bernard told
me that when the last census came in
he thought the number of women who
said they could read and write was
small, so he made inquiries, and from
all parts of the country young ladies re-
piled that they did not like to say that
they could read, lest young gentlemen,
learning of the fact, should write to
them.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13

At the Academy of Sciences in San
Francisco, two horned rattlesnakcs from
the Mojave desert were exhibited re-
Gently, The venomous creatures are
yellow, like the sand they live in, and
have over each eye a scaly horn. They
never move straightforward, but with a
sinuous side motion. so that it Is i'm
possible to tell in which direction they
intend to strike. In Palestine and in
the Sahara desert there is horned
viper which in many characteristics re-
sembles the horned rattlesnake of the
Mojave. The use for the horns is not
known. They are not to shield tho
eyes from the glare of the sun, because
other snakes in the desert have no
horns. The two snakes ware gift
from Mr.. Quinn, of Moiave.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13
GOVERNOR GORDON AT CHICAGO.
Hc Indignantly Resents Charges Made by
Chicago Newspaper.

Hc Indignantly Resents Charges Made by
Chicago Newspaper.
ATLANTA, Ga, Dec. 7.--Governor
5ordon, who left Chicago few days
.go in rather hurried manner, returns
soday in order to be present at the open
ng of the Auditorium on Monday night.
Mrs. Gordon and the other members Of
ais family are still in that city. The
generals departure was due to tho fact
Mat local paper in mentioning the
act that he had received and accepted
IN invitation to make an address upon
the occasion in question, took occasion
20 suggest that he was only too willing
md anxious to air his views on every
AVAILABLE occasion. This aroused
;he generals southern blood, and after
aaving expressed himself to the effect
Shat if that was the way in which the
,itizens of Chicago were inclined to re-
gard him, he had no desire to impose
lis presence upon them, he took the
irst train for home. During the past
iwo days, however, he has been assured
shrough the medium of score or more
If kilograms that the sentiments in
question were not generally entertained,
and hence he has decided to keep to his
word and show himself in the Garden
City on Monday night.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13

To BE Presented by the President.
CHICAGO, Dec. 9. Tho spectacle of
the president of the greatest republic
in the world presenting 60 an immense
and distinguished audience the greatest
"Queen of Song" of the nineteenth
century will be presented at the Audi
torium on Monday night That is un-
less President Harrison with his char
acteristic objection to be pushed for
ground and allow the honor of present
ing the peerless Patti TO be conferred
upon some one else. According to the
present program, it is understood, the
president himself will escort the diva
to the footlights, from which point she
is expected to electrify her hearers
"Home, Sweet Home" The dedica-
ton of the Auditorium will be
one Of the most brilliant events in the
pare favorably with the ceremonies
Albert hall in London by Queen Vic
toria and the royal family some years
ago. President Harrison, Vice-Presi-
dent Morton, the governors Of surround
ing states and the visitors from Canada
will be seated upon the stage. while in
the body of the hall special stage has
been constructed for the mayor and
city Off GERS, board of aldermen and
other civic guests. The interior of the
hall is already in order for the event.
save the carpeting of the main
floor. The 1000 chairs arc in position
,l, Is., e r,,,.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13
Iowa Census Districts.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 6.-Superintenden,
Porter, of the census bureau, has COM
pleted the list of supervisors districts
in the different states. Those in Iowa
are as follows:
First District-Cedar, Clinton, Davis,
Dcs Moines, Henry, Iowa, jackson, Jasper,
jefferson, johnson, Jones, keokuk, Lee.
Louisa Mahaska, Muscatine, Poweshiek,
Scott, Van Baren, Wapello and Washing
ton counties.
OSecond District-Allamakee, Benton,
Blackhawk, Bremen, Buchanan, Butler,
Chickasaw. Clayto Delaware, Dubuque,
Fuyette, Floyd, Franklin, Grundy, Hardin,
Howard, Linn, Mitchell, Tama and Winni
shiek counties.
Third District-Adair, Adams, Appa-
moose, Audubon, Cass, Clarke, Dallas, De.
catur, Fremont, Guthrie, Harrison, Lucas,
Madison, Marion, Mills, Monroe, Mont.
gomery, Page, Polk, Pottawattamie, Ring.
gold, Shelby, Taylor, Union, Warren and
Wayne counties.
Fourth District-Boone, Buena Vista,
Calhoun, Carroll. Cerro Gordo, Cherokee.
Crawford, Dickinson, Emmett, Greene,
Hamilton, Hancock, Humboldt, Ida, Kos.
suth, Lyon, Marshall, Mononn, O'Brien
Osccola, Palo Alto Plymouth, Pocalontas,
Sac, Sioux, Story Webster, Winnebago
Woodbury., Worth and Wright counties.
The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1889-12-13

Rosa Bonheur, the great animal
painter, wears the cross of the Legion
of Honor, and M. Rene Peyrol, her
brother-in-law, now tells us how the
distiction was gained. The empress
asked for it for the artist, but the re-
quest could not be granted. The crosa
had never been given to woman, and
the ministers protested against a prece.
dent. But the empress bided her time
till the following year, when, during
the absence of the emperor in Algeria,
she acted as regent. One morning a
servant hurriedly entered Rosa Bon
heurs studio with the announcement
that the empress was below. In another
minute she was in the studio borrowing
a pin from one of her ladies. The en-
press then kissed the artist, who, gl;inc-
ing down, saw the cross of the Legion
of Honor pinned on her breast.