Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-05-30
WIT AND HUMOR.

slst IN chewing gum-NetU York Sun.
An American may suffer from lack
of dollars, but no Calcutta man ever
went to the poor-house because of
lac of rupees.-Neao York San.
'.Poor Simpson,! A year ago he was
one of thirteen who sat down at din
ner." 'What, is he dead?" mo; mar
ried last night" -DenUer Republican.
where's me beer?' cried the TRACE
dian, stalking behind the scenes, ~
don't know, SIR" cried the small boy,
''but l think it's in the Supe. "-Nel0
York. Sun.
They are forming hog trust in some
of the Western cities. There has been
a general impression that nearly all of
the trusts are of that kind.-PhiladeL
phia Call.
The man who is so blue that he SAYS
he wants to die is the first to get stuck
in the jam at the door when somebody
in the crowded hall shouts ''fre."-
Journal Of Education.
The poets continue to rave about the
purity and all that sort of thing of
marble, in spite of the fact that tomb
stones are the awfulest liars on earth.
-Ie7re Haute ETpresS.
Some temporary scientist claims to
have discovered that music aids vege-
table growth. Is that the reason a
man can always raise Cain with a
fiute?-MInneapolis Tribune.
Wife-"This light is very poor. The
gas seems to be lower with every
week" Husband-''So it does; but
the bill is all right. 1t gets higher
every time. THE Quaker.
Jarvis-"How true the proverb is
that a man is what his wife makes
him." Jervis-"And how true it is,
too, that man does what his wife
makes him.-Ierre Hdute EGpress.
Miss Dash-O, by the way, Mrs.
Highmind, have you heard the latest
slang expressionsp Mrs. Highmind-
I suppose so, dear. You have been
here almost an hour-PhilGdelphia
Record.
To that old question as to whether
or not marriage is failure it may be
said in general way that it depends
largely upon the number and value of
the wedding presents.--BaZtimore
american.
She TREMENDOUSLY George, papa
threatens to turn off the gas if you
stay after 10 tonight. He delighted
ly)-Let him, let him! That's Just
what ] want. He can't say l did it
Boston Courier.
Mrs. Popinjay never uses slang, but
she came near it the other day when she
caught her lazy chambermaid sitting
at ease in the parlor and exclaimed:
"Now you get up and dustn'-Batrti1ag-
tom Free Press.
Sunday school teacher-"Why were
only Noah and his family saved in the
ark?" Small bov-'"Cause Noah was
good and didn't ask nothln'. The rest
wanted the earth, an they got it,
Nea0 York Weekly.
1t is easy enough for a fellow to tell
gentleman from waiter at a ball.
Just ask him for an ice. If he is a
waiter he will bring it. If he isn't
he will merely freeze you with a look.
-Terre Hamte E9press.
Wife-Shall | put your diamond
studs in your shirt, dear? Husband
What on earth are you thinking OFF
Do you want to ruin me? | have a
meeting with my creditors this morn
ing.-JeweIers' Weekly.
Mrs. Scroggs-"Isn't this strange.
A noted physician says he never yet
saw dying man who showed the least
fear of death" Mr.. Scroggs I'm
does he say whether they are married
or single?' -PhiJadelphja Record
Cant woman kiss her dog if she
wants TOP" writes a fair subscriber.
Well, yes, she can now, but she
couldn't while Henry Bergh was alive.
All, the poor dogs will never know
what friend they lost when Henry
ied.-Burdette.
Fashionable laughter Mamma, do
f1irt in mild sort of a way?" Fash
ionable mother Certified -"Clara, l
am surprised at you. The idea of an
unmarried person flirting! PhiIadeJ-
phta Record.
"Ah!' exclaimed the matter of fact
man joyfully, as he saw the heading in
the newspaper, ''Trials of Authors"
$50 they've arrested some of those
COMPOUNDED poets at last, have theyP
Wouldn't like to be on the jury?'-
Harper'S Bazaar.
The church on the little Island of
Atufa, in the South Seas. includes all
the adults on the island. The church
should send missionaries to some of
our American cities, where they would
find Atufa set than they have at home.
Boston Transcript.
81 don't see why you can't get rich.
You sell a handspring for $3.50 that
only costs you 10 cents" THAT may
be true, sir, but we have to keep three
clerks to wait on the lady shoppers,
and we must get our money back in
some way."-Jewelers' Weekly.
Good minister-The fervor with
which you joined in the hymn II want
to be an angel delighted me. Little
Dick-Yes sir; the teacher told me
there wasn't any preachin' an prayin'
an catechism lessons in Heaven
Philadelphia Record.
The reason why the Dying Gladiator
is so much admired, Ethelred, is--be-
cause he keeps his mouth shut. He is
different from our modern gladiatOrs,
who go all over the country blowing
about what they are going to do as
soon as they get into condition. y
Puck.
Maud hirtling girls and crow
ing hens always come to some bad
end" Do you remember how Clara
De We're used to whistle at school?
EGith-Yes, indeed. Poor child What
hos hnnronod r., nor0 Mand -Sho has