Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1889-03-15
SOME FUNNY FANCIEs.

Rich relatives are like vine. They
grow deerer with age.
The "Aaiden's Prayer usually has
something TO do with a MIN.
"MY dear wife, mnrmured pater,
families as he looked at the dressmaz-
er's bill.
TIE borrowest man to this date Is
the one In Menhattanyilie who wanted
to borrow a friends tombstone.
PATIENT Doctor, I can't sleep
nights. What shall I do? Get 8 DO
| sibcn somewhere as night-watchman
THERE is said to be a veterinary sur
geOn IN Albany who has grown so ex-
pert that he can tell the age Of q rake
by looking at its teeth.
CONSISTENCY, thou art a jewel, sure
enough; but thou standeth an exec ed
ingly poor show when the other fellow
can afford q diamond ring.
Miss PARENrALsTEM (age $3.50
you are going to get married at last
Pauline? Pauline dear, IshcuId
think it was about time; you know I'm
"a
YOUNG wife Cat a baIl)-YOu are i'm.
proving wonderfully as a dancer. Don't
you remember how you used to tear my
dresses? Young husband Yes;
wasn't buying 'em then.
MADAM TO applicant)-Where was
your last place? Applicant-At the
hospital, mem. Madam-Were you
nurse there? Applicant-No mem; I
was a smallpox patient.
SMITH You say the speculation has
proved a failure? Jones-A total fail
ure. Smith thought you said there
was a fortune in It, Jones with a
groan)-So there is. Mine is in it.
MINE eyes have seen the gobbler lose
his Uranium in the dark, a prehistoric
turkey that came over in the ark, tbs
boarders break their moIars as they
chew the patriarch, but their bills go
marching on.
Mrs. HoPEFUL-Is my boy improv-
ing any? Professor of penmanship-
He is getting worse. His writing is now
so bad no living soul can read it. Glow
lovely The darling! He'll be q great
author some day"
Mrs. Brown Cwho has boarders)-
And how is Mr.. Smith getting along
Mrs. Smith fear he is past recovery.
For the last two weeks he has eaten
scarcely enough to keep a robin alive.
Mrs. Brown (unconsciously)- that
lovely!
THEIR brand of breath: Representa-
tive Martin, of Texas, recently wall
lOped a reporter because the latter said
that he blew out the gas in his room.
He should have gloried in the assertion.
It isn't every politician who dares to
monkey with the gas with his breath.
WOMAN Cooking at a house to rent)
I don't fancy these windows on this
side. The people in the next house
can look in here and see anything that's
going on. Landlord-If you Waut the
house, madam, III have the windows
boarded up. Glow on earth could ]
see into their windows then ?"
BACK NUMBERS.
The ba1d-headed man in his family pew
Leaned back on the cushion and sium bered,
And he dreamed that the preacher these words
had proclaimed:
@The hairs Of your hoad are all numbered
The baId-headed man awoke with a start
From his weekly, devotional slumbers;
Then he sank on his knees and ferventiy prayed
Judge.
81 DECLAzE!" exclaimed Mrs. Fogg,
rs she vainly endeayored to dissect the
turkey, "if you are not the poorest man G
do marketing. This turkeys as old as
Methuselah. Possibly" replied FOgg,
unabashed; 'but, my dear, it is a female
bird, and courtesy to the sex prevented
me from inquiring about her age"
MILLIONAIRE (to old and poor chum)
You ought to drop your bad habits,
Smith. Ifyou'd stop taking that glass
of beer every day you'd have SIS. % in
year. Go on that way for hundred
years and there1I be 1882 In bank il
nothing happens. Then put that ia
some good stock, and if ali goes right
you'll make money. That's the way
naonIe get rich.