Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1889-07-11

4
soon as you can. as they are in a par
ticular hurry sigh. not because
am annoyed, but in sympathy with the
pathos Maggie manages always
to Undue her time-worn commu-
nication with. After l get through
signing I tell Maggie to take the
visitors to the drawing-room, and say
to them that 1 shall be down in a few
moments. Then I 60 on with the read
ing of my book. You see I like them
to get just q trifle impatient for
think it extremely important that the
young people taking such q serious
step should become nervous enough to
appreciate its significance. II not
facing the executioner. they await
him. knowing he is near; the waiting
also gives the pursuing parent "A
chance for his white alley as used
to say when I was boy. At the end
of, say ten minutes, descend the
stairway to the tune Of an ominous
creaking. and enter with all the frigid
dignity can call to my assistance. I
nearly always find the bride in my
armchair away from the rest, with
her eyes fastened on the carpet. the
bridegroom is trying to look as though
he had been marred daily for the
past twenty years, and is fore
ing a strained. jocular conversation
with the witnesses. Everybody
looks relieved when they see me- l
at once drop my dignlfied look-that
is, to an extent-and remark, with an
air of solemn jollity: Well. 1 think
l can guess to what am indebted for
the honor of this visit" The bride
bushes and coyly focuses her eyes on
another figure in the carpet, the wit
| nesses look at each other and litter,
| and bridegroom rises and gulps out:
'W-well, er-er-the fact is, doctor
[er-that is to say-this lady-oh.
meant both of us-together. of
cOurse-want--er-e get married.
It's out and the poor fellow feels bet
ter. l then sternly eye both of them.
as though l would read their Utmost
secrets. Then I ease the strain
by affably saying: so that's it.
is it9 Well. you might do
worse, young people, then assure
them that marriages Chat is, wise
ones) are made in heaven. This ser IL
ment seems as rule to have the un-
qualified Endorsement of the contract
ing parties. Then turning to the
| bridegroom: Now, sir, word with
you. Let US step into the next ROOM
The bride pouts at this and asks if
she can not accompany us. refuse
and she goes on pouting. obtain the
usual details from the young fellow
and we return. Then the ceremony
proper begins. Now. Miss Smith,
begin, what is your fathers name?'
She always answers Mr.. Smith
Nine out of ten women consider
initials superfuous. When l ask her
mothers name she generally sheds
tear. am at loss to know why, but
it is fact l always crack little
joke when l ask her age. How old
are you. Miss Smith? No hesitation,
now. You should have no secrets from
your doctor. lawyer or minister Ill
have made that joke once have-let
me see; twenty-five times fifty-twO.
ought and carry five; 125-1. 800 times,
multiplied by four, the average num-
Der per weeks. 200 times. Well. of
those $500 brides could almost af-
firm that 5000 laughed at the joke.
Another thing, they nearly all give
their age last birthday, and look an
noyed when make it next birthday
in the certificate. When the declara-
ton is at an end l say to the bride:
Now. Miss Smith, please sign your
maiden name for the last time That
makes her so nervous that in the ma
jority of cases she spatters the ink all
over the table. It's pretty nearly as
bad with the bridegroom; but the
witnesses enjoy it. It's human nat
ure to put our names on rec
ord when it doesn't cost any thing.
Then the ceremony proper and
the fun commences. John. please
tell him to be as quick as he
can If the lady knew that / am as
anxious to return to my study as she
is to start on her bridal trip, she
would not make the injunction. The
awkwardness of bride and bridegroom
is phenomenal. When say Let the
lady stand at the gentleman's left it
usually takes them a minute to deter
mine which is their right and left
hand. and l have literally to push
them to their proper places. When l
have finished and say to the man:
Take your BRIDE he continues to
stupidity gaze ahead with a fixedly
strained look. holding her hand with
ridiculous energy. 1 have to break
the spell by gently remarking: That
is all, my young friends. You are
now man and wife.
Il then turn to the bride and say:
Now l suppose. Mrs Shocks