Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1889-09-09
When is house like bird? When

w ncu Is Il mousse llhG Il OlIl. " hSh ~
has wings.
An eagle always feels more or less
soarness in its wings when it nses them.
Whenever trouble rises in the church
choir everybody simply takes his chants.
IT'S the accounts of Il side door saloon
that are kept up by the double-entry sys-
TEN.
When you feel like calling big man a
liar, be sure you are right, then use the
telephone.
Conductor with SEQ on his car)-Plen-
ty of room up this way! Old Lady (hold-
ing on to brake for dear life)-Is this the
Grip Line.
And you went up the Rhine, suppose?
said Mrs. Malaprop. Indeed, yes. 1t
was beautiful. And did you see any
Rhinoceroses?
Brown What makes you think that
your neighbor Smith is religious man?
Jones-Because he always puts ashes on
the icy sidewalk.
Old woman presents herself at the
booking office and asks for third class
ticket Where for? inquiries the clerk
That's my business! was the reply.
You wish to marry one of my daugh-
ters? The Youngest will get $4,000 marks,
the second 10000 and the eldest $4,000.
You don't happen to have one still older?
Teacher-It seems you are never able
to answer any of my questions. How is
this, my boy? Johnnie-If knew all the
things you asked me, ma'am, dad would
not send me here.
"Mary," said her mother, severely, elf
l am not mistaken / saw your head on
Georges shoulder. What sort of an atti-
tude is that for young Lady," Mary
(ecstatically) latitude!
Gus-What did you think of our anna
teur theatricals, Miss Mamie? Rather of
rare entertainment, was it not? Miss
e-Well-er-yes; it wasn't very
well done, to be sure.
A Jersey City policeman having offered
his hand to Il lady, which was refused,
he arrested her. ''What is the charger"
asked the sergeant at the station-house.
.Resisting an offer, SIR was the reply.
Wife Ito unhappy husband)-I would
not worry, John; it does no good to
borrow trouble. Husband - Borrow
trouble? Great Caesar, my DEAR amt
borrowing trouble; I've got it to lend.
When General Grant was in Japan the
Japanese Premier, desiring to compliment
the General by telling him he was born to
command, tried in English, with this re-
suit: "Sire, brave General, you vas made
to order"
Husband-Your sister Jennie has run
away and got married. eloped. Wife
(faintly) -What was she married in?
Husband-SiIk. Wife (relieved) -Then
she didn't disgrace the family after all.
Whom did she marry?
Guide Showing places of historic in
terest)-It was in this room that Wash
ington received his first commission.
Mr.. Einstein-His first commission! Ish
dot so? Guide-Yes, sir. 1t is fact.
Mr.. Einstein-Vot percentage of COM
mission did he get?
MIS-. you
Fatrenter-Yes, we have children, but
we do not expect you to let them live
with us: however, L shall insist on hav-
ing my pet dogs and parrots. Mrs. Flat
owner-They will be welcomed, but l
draw the line at children.
Devil appearing at sanctum door)-
Copy Want half column to fill out IRE
ligious Department. EditorGn despera-
tion)-Tell the foreman to set up chap
ter of the Bible, and run it without cred
it. None of our esteemed contemporaries
will know where it came from.
Customer--You sell cracked eggs at
half price, do you not? Clerk-Yes'm.
We always make fifty per cent reduc-
tion on cracked goods. Anything else
to-day? Customer-Yes. You may give
me dollars worth of cracked wheat and
here's your fifty cents.