davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
DO not think because you are Duke that
You can come over here and corral trusting

Do not think because you are Duke that
you can come over here and corral trusting
American girl, lead her away to your large
stone smokehouse, put up a light board
fence around your premises, and neglect her.
Ii you do that, will correspond with you
and thus make your life a perfect hell. Try
to live down the disagreeable reports hear
about you, Marlborough. Come home to
your meals. Allow your wife to see ali
your mail. Read the marriages and deaths
to her from the morning papers. Ask her
advice in matters Of business, and then do as
you like. That's the way do. 1t pleases
your wife and does not hurt your business.
BE q good husband, even If you have to
neglect your duties as Duke, and good
luck to you.
ADVICE TO THE DUCHESS.
To you, Duchess, I need say but little.
You can reason to a man and possibly i'm
prove him In that way, but woman's great
success or failure rests in her own heart.
That's why need not talk to you at length.
For awhile it may seem odd when you will
get up from day to day and find yourself
Duchess, but you will get used to it at last
lust as man gets used to wooden leg un-
til at last it seems entirely natural to him.
And now, Duchess, adieu and God bless
you. So long, or bon jour, as We say in
dear old France"
"And now," said the Duke as he picked
up his umbrella and felt apprehensively in
his vest, "Mr. Hewitt, how much are you
out on this?"
"Oh, any time will do for that" said the
Mayor, "and if you don't pay it at all. that
will be all right, guess"
"Well, then, if you don't want to take
anything for 1t, am much obliged any
how, and If can do you favor any time,
just press the button and you'll get waited
on"
1t was not long till the eminent but i'm
moral Duke returned to his estates. Nobody
welcomed him. He got off at the station
and had to carry his valise and hatbox up
to the castle. There all was hushed, and the
Duke had to crawl in at the 'front.' window
and unfasten the door before he could let
the Duchess in. A proud Duke hates to do
that. II makes him hot. People 20 by and
see him tearing his small clothes on nail
as he hangs by means of his stomach on
the ledge Of the windoy. 1t unmans him
and makes him say things which would
sound better in the affidavit room of a
newspaper.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
6zl2 Aws
SHREWD AGENTS POLICY.
Why Life Insurance Men nre Interested in
Wedding Announcements,


Wedding Announcements.
at seems to me-" remarked a young
Pittsburger, ''that the life insurance agents
watch the columns of the daily papers for
wedding notices, and as soon as they read
of the marriage ofa business man at once
20 in search of him. Within the last few
months three fellows in our Office got mar
rice, ,and in each case the fthe
wedding was followed by the daily appear
ance of a tribe of life insurance men, each
apparently very solicitous about the well
fare and future prospects of the BRIDE
groom"
"Did the agents succeed in inducing the
young man to take out policies?"
They captured two of them and the
other one escaped by lying. Said he had
all the insurance he could carry, and so got
rid of them. Talk about persistence! Why,
the most indefatigable book agent could get
pointers from life insurance man. And
the queerest thing about them all is the
firm belief of each agent that his own CON-
pany is the very best in creation. He not
only believes this absolutely, but he is able
to prove it if you will listen. Once they
get alter man they never let up in their
efforts ii he gives the least sign OF encour-
agment. Professional men seem to be pre-
ferred; they are what are called good risks
and the agents have most success among
them"
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
ELECTRIC EFFECTS ON WATCHES.

People Afraid the Allegheny Road May
Ruin Their Watches.
"Will a watch be damaged if its owner
wears it on an electric railroad carr" was
question asked of Pittsburg jeweler.
'Not if it is good watch" was the re-
ply. "a good many people have asked me
the same question. Indeed, several who
travel regularly on the electric road in
Allegheny seem to have assumed that their
timepieces were in danger of being ruined.
There's nothing in it, so far as have been
able to discover. The conductors themselves
don't complain OF it, and one of them,
who bough his watch from me, assured
me the other day that it was keeping the
best OF time. 1t might not be quite safe to
carry an ordinary watch into the electric
power-house, but as far its being affected
on the cars, that, I think, is nonsense"
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
1T HELPS SALOON TRADE.
Prohib ition Agitation Beneficial to the In.
terests of Barkeepers.

Prohib ition Agitation Beneficial to the In.
terests of Barkeepers.
"whether that prohibition amendment is
adopted or not" remarked a Fifth avenue
saloonkeeper, 'the discussion of the ques-
ton is benefting our trade at present."
"How SOP inquired the reporter.
"Makes men drink more. You may laugh,
but 1 can assure you am not joking. NY
business is improving daily. The man who
Just went out took two drinks-he never
took but one at time before this amend
ment came up for discussion-and jokingly
said:
"'Liquor is going to be scarce after next
Jure, SO I'm going to have all want while
can get it.
"If hear that remark once day on an
average 1 hear it dozen times. Men who
drink seldom need but a small excuse to in
duce them to drink more, and though they
say such things half in jest, good many
are unconsciously influenced BY this sort Of
reasoning to indulge more in stimulants.
It's queer, as you say, but it's fact never
theless."
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

Chinese centuries before America was dis
covered. Its first copies were struck of
hundreds OF years before Gutenberg gave
printing to Europe, and it was in existence
600 years before the Frankiord Gazette, the
first daily newspaper of our civilization, be-
gan its publication in 1915. Age has, how
ever, produced no more change upon it than
upon the Chinese people, and its contents
are much the same to-day as they were when
it was founded in the darkness Of the mid
die ages. Its method of printing is the same
and it is still set up from movable type of
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
newspaper.

And so the whole matter has been lnau.
spicious from the start. The Duchess found
the basement of the castle alive with rats
The seed corn in the spare room had been
almost entirely carried off and can ot
Strawberries which had been placed toe
near the furnace had worked" and blown
its brains out all over roll of stair carpet,
the potatoes in the donjon tower had
mostly all sprouted and a lackey had to
run lawn mower over them before they
could be cooked. Ants were in the sugar
barrel. Moths in the clothes presses and
Satan in the servants. All the help had
been eating in the ducal dining room as the
casual observer could at once discover. Not
only that, but the thinking mind immedi-
ately jumped to the conclusion that the SER
want who had done the carving was an anna
teur and that the gravy did not match the
wall paper.
THE FLAG INsULTED.
That is no way for an American Duchess
to be welcomed in her own house. It is an
indignity to our flag. When one buys a
ducal coronet she does not wish to be welted
over the head with it. She does not care to
be greeted with coldness in her own castle
or fail to find the key to the front door under
the door mat according to agreement, or to
find the drawbridge tied up and have to
wade across the moat.
That is not all. Marlborough has kept
company with others who are distasteful to
his wife, those with whom his name has
been formerly associated in disagreeable
way in the days when he was trying to COM
bine the correspondent and Duke industries
together.
1t is all sad. It is pitiful to see social
wreck at his best, but it is doubly sad to see
him mar one of our wealthiest and most de-
sirable American girls, and, having taken
her home, proceed to desolate her life by a
course of blooded .cussedness which would
make talk and cali forth adverse criticism
in Satan's addition to Texas.
And so cannot close this letter in a
more appropriate way, it seems to me, than
to dash off little poem which I have
thought up myself, and which is supposed
to be the wall OF soul or the moan of q
Duchess. 1t breathes spirit of extreme
sadness and melancholy which I think will
touch each heart, even though expressed in
faulty orthography, syntax and prosody, as
am only just beginning to write verse, and
my muse, as one may say, has not as yet got
her sea limbs on.
THE VAIL OF A SHATTERED HEART.
Cdnto First
Oh, I've came far Ger the sea-
But you've went away from me,
And wildly, wildly smart
Though know ! hadn't ort
AS think that have went so far away.
Cd,lto Second.
But oh I can't be gay
When have went away
From all my friends and kindred oh SO dear.
For see made a fuke
When wed nawsty Duke
And that is why make the statement here.
@4lA Aws
-
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

doings of the Emperor are all reported and
and his god'like character appears on every
page. In the Peking Gazette Of December
l9. see it stated that the Emperor will 60
at $50 A. M. of the morrow to inspect the
PRAYER which is 10 be recited at the sacrifice
to heaven, and that after the burning Of the
sacrifice he will proceed to the hall of fast
ing. From copy of last year see it an
nouneed that he will go in person,
on the I'd of January, to q temple
and pray for snow, the want of
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
CHAPTER TX.
THE MYSTERY OF THE WELL.

'The last crust, "out at the elbows"
such like expressions borrowed from older
days convey to US in our land of bounty an
idea rather than any actual fact.
If man is "out at the elbows" in Cali
fornia let him take off his coat and carry it
on his shoulder. as in Italy. This will con-
ceal the condition OF things and he will be
quite as comfortable, for the coat here Is
rather luxury than a necessity. If a man
Is out of bread let him eat meat. For in al
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

wood and struck off in dark, low rooms by
the long fnger-nailed hands Of these al
mond-eyed celestials. Still it is the most
aristocratic paper in the world, and the Chi
nese Emperors of the past have been its edi-
tors. 1t is the official organ of the Chinese
Government and it is simply record of Of
fetal acts and reports. 1t is a crime to add
to or subtract from it in its republication.
The Chinese Government allows no COM
ments upon its acts, and this is the only
organ by which these millions of people,
making up more than one-fourth of the
whole world, can know what their ruler is
doing.
AN IMPERIAL EDITOR.
The Peking Gazette is edited within the
holy OF holies of China-ln the forbidden
city where the Emperor lives. The reports
from all parts of China and its provinces
come in daily to the imperial editorial desk,
and with a red pencil His Majesty marks
the characters which indicate whether they
are to go into the waste basket or are to be
pasted on the bill-boards of the palace, from
whence the scribes take them down for the
use of the newspaper. The first copies are
written, and these beautifully engrossed
command, Colonel DENLY tells me, price
of 500 year. Private printing firms buy
these copies and republish them. They are
set up in Peking and all over China, and
are sold in many cases almost as cheaply as
are our American newspapers. Some editions
go for 80 cents a month, and there are
Chinese clubs, who subscribe together and
take their turn at reading the various issues
of the Gazette. John Chinaman does not
move by electricity, and the Peking Gazette
q months old seems to suit him quite as well
as that of yesterday.
A copy of this great journal lies before
me. 1t is bound in imperial yellow, but it
looks more like cheap patent medicine
advertisement in the shape of long, f1abby
account book than a great metropolitan
newspaper. You could make 500 Peking
Gdzettes of one of the Sunday editions Of
this paper. 1t is not as large as an official
envelope, though its shape is much the
same. Three inches. wide and six inches
long, it contains about 16 pages Of Chinese
characters. There are about seven lines of
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

uCoo, CNCl anu duOu, as pCOplC CdulC III IIOL
time to time to see him about opening up
new street or getting out license tor ex-
hibiting tame bear in quiet little town.
AS TO DUCAL DUTIES.
All being satisfactorily answered, the
Mayor said: II now desire briefly to pro-
nounce you man and wife, and what have
Joined together as Mayor of New York it
will bother plain citizen to put asunder. 1
cannot refrain at this time from making a
few remarks which have thought up while
standing here. 1t is these: The duties of q
Duke and those OF Duchess are almost en-
tirely different. as understand it. As Duke
it will be your duty to receive and account
for all such moneys as MAY come into your
hands, paying them out only on an order
from the worthy Chief You will be re-
quired to do the chores or see that they are
done by others, see that sufficient coal is laid
in during the month of August,
while it is cheap, to keep the
castle hot till spring; also to keep
the taxes on your Dukedom paid up
and not allow the same to become delin-
quent. You will eject the cat at $50 each
night, lock the front door carefully and
wind the clock. 1t will also be your duty
to love your wife all the time, no matter
what the customs of eminent people may be.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
THE CENTER OF LIFE.
DR.. Hammond on the Functions and
Derangements Of the Heart.
THIS GENERATIONS RAPID PULSE
Ascribed to the Increased Mental Activity
Of the Age.
THE DANGER OF VIOLENT EMOTIONS
THIS GENERATIONS RAPID PULSE
THE DANGER OF VIOLENT EMOTIONS
WRITTEN FOR THE prspArcH.I

HE heart may be de-
scribed as o hollow
muscle, the function
Of which is to pump
properly aerated blood
to every part Of the
body. In order that
this. action may be
performed the blood
which has served its
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
THE PEKING GAZETTE
The Oldest Newspaper in the World
and its Imperial Editors
NURDERERS SLICED TO DEATH.
ALook at the Last Great Examination. and
its 1000 Students.
SCHOLARSHIP A PASSPORT TO OFFICE
NURDERERS SLICED TO DEATH.
A PASSPORT TO OFFICE
CORRESPONDENCE OF TEE prsrArcH.1

A@'Ns NAA
Ma, D ecem Der,
1SSS.-0ne of the
Oldest things in
this old capital OF
China is its news
paper. The Peking
Gazette has been
published almost
daily for 500 years.
1t is the oldest news
paper in the world.
1t was read bv the
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

AN palneo 70 Ie-
ceive later intelli-
gence from dear
o.l d Bl e n h e j m
which leaves me
no chance to doubt
that q cloud about
the size Of a joint
school district has
obscured the honey
moon OF the Ouch
ess of Marlborough
and the eminent
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

WORDS on each page, and these run up and
down the paper from top to bottom, instead
of from lett to right across the page as with
us. The paper is of tinted white, and be-
tween the lines are stripes of red. The
whole is bound with two paper strings
within paper cover of cheap yellow, and
the beginning of its reading matter is at the
back of the book instead of at the 'front.' 1t
contains no advertisements, no editorials
and no social gossip.
IGNORES SPORTING NEWS.
The latest Manchu archery match and
sporting news is not reported in it, and you
will not find the prices of camel's or dogs
meat, nor other market reports within its
columns. 1t is not cried upon the streets,
and there are no newsboys in Peking. What
its circulation is it is impossible to say, on
account of its being reprinted by 50 many
firms. 1t is well known, however, that all
China reads it, for curriers' carry copies of it
to the various provinces, and it is discussed
and read by the educated people of the
cities.
The Picking Gazette is translated into
English, and the Chinese Times, OF Tientsin,
and the North China Herald, of Shanghai.
devote part Of their space to it daily. From
these translations one gets the inside and
most authentic ideas of China, and by read
ing between the lines one sees that the
Chinese people are the same now as they
have been in the centuries of the past. The
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17

LET all remember that they can buy Sal
vation Oil for % cents. 1t kills pain.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-02-17
NYE GETS BAD NEWS.
The Marriage of the MarlboroughS
HumOrOuSly Reviewed.
THE DUTIES OF TITLED FOLK.
Something About Swapping Broken
Heart for Coronet.
SAD THOUGHTS AND A SADDER POEM

rwRITTEN FOR THE DIsPATcH.l
The Clifton clarion., 1889-08-28
ChevreuI and the Photographer.

The late centenarian, NJ Chevreul, although one of the patrons of photo graphy, refused during the greater part of his long life to have his picture taken. Not until 1883, when in his ninety-seventh year, did he overcome this antipathy. It happened, as he wrote to friend, in this manner: T entered the carriage to go to the insti- ute, when a gentleman in the politest manner possible addressed me: Mon sieur Chevreul, you can do me the greatest service replied that 1 was in a great hurry, but he persisted and begged permission to accompany me in my carriage. acceded to his re- quest. He had scarcely taken hI place at my side, however, when he said: Monsieur Chevreul, you can be my fortune or my ruin. am pho tographer.' trembled, but he added The emperor of Brazil (you know Dom Pedro, who is true savant and who de- corated me with the Order of the Rose), wishes to have your photograph, and if succeed in obtaining your permis- sion, my future is assured 1 could not resist him, and in the name of Dom Pedro accompanied the photographer to his studio. Chicago Herald.
The Clifton clarion., 1889-08-28
He Won't Entl,usa.

"This George Washington they are making such a fuss about was the old George, wasn' t hel'' he queried, as he leaned against the city hall fence yesterday.
 He was, " replied the other
 Wasn't the George Washington, of New Orleans, who fought twenty-three rounds after his left arm was brokenf'
 'No"
 Wasn't that George Washington, of Chi cago, who carried a billiard table around Q square on bet of S5F'
 No"
 "Thero was George Washington in Omaha who held up bank cashier for S6,000. Do you think he could be the mani"
 "Oh, no. This is the original George used to be president"
 Led the American army and suffered at Valley Forge, didn't hef
 "Yes."
 "Crossed the Delaware one night in the winterI"
 "Yes"
 "Got the bulge on Cornwall at YorktownT' He's the one"
 "Al right, then. If he's the man I'm not going to split my coat up the back. If it was some of the boys I've met I'd be willing to help the thing move off lively and push 'em up peg. l never try to get in any work on a dead man. He can't recip. m-Detroit Free Press
The Clifton clarion., 1889-08-28
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Its Motto Is "Live and Let Iive"-An
 Obituary and Free Pass.

Its Motto Is Hive and Let Iive"-An
 Obituary and n Free Pass.
 The last issue of The Arizona Kicker con tains the following interesting items;
 CAN'T Do IT-We have been offered sos in cash and barrel of wild plum vinegar to publish the record of the man who runs the weekly further down the street. While there is no doubt in our mind that be is bigamist, horse thief, barn burner and anarchist sym pathizer, we know what belongs to decency and We positively refuse the bribe.
 There is too much mud throwing among the editors of the west, anyhow. They seem to have forgotten what is due to the position If one of our doctors kills patient by some mistake the rest are always ready to swear him clear. If one of the editorial fraternity makes trip, the rest are eager to pitch into him. It shouldn't be so. There should be more of the fraternal spirit-more of the pride of profession. Therefore, while we are perfectly satisfied that the bald headed, bow legged, squint eyed old coyote who calls him self the editor of the moribund dish rag eleven doors below ought to be in state prison for life, We are not going to forget what be- longs to the amenities of editorial life.
 PASSED AwAY.-"Injun Joe," as he was familiarity called, has finally passed in his checks, although be hung on for year longer than any one thought be could. He crept into one of the A 6 T. stage coaches and surrendered to the grim destroyer. We al ways looked upon Joe as half witted, but we beg to acknowledge our mistake In his last hours be wrote down the fact on a bit of pa per that we owed him seven dollars borrowed money. and that bit of paper was left where it could not help but be seen. The first we knew of his death was when the coroner brought in the note. We borrowed the money "a year ago, and as Joe had never dunned u. we supposed it had slipped his mind We shall probably have to pay it, but whether we shall do so before appealing to the law re mains to be seen.
 DESERVING OF PATRoSAGE.-It Is over seven months since the A. 6 T. coaches were pit on to connect our town with the outside world. The Kicker has not before mentioned the fact, for the reason that no pass was sent to us If stage coach or a railroad com pany starts out with the idea that it can pad dle it's canoe without the aid of the press, the best way is to give them rope. We have been giving the A. SS T. line rope. Yester day it threw up its hands and sent us a beau tiful annual pass
 The Kicker now takes pleasure in calling pub lie attention to the fact that the A. Ss T. Stage Line company, limited, has three roomy and comfortable vehicles running from the post office to Topknot Station, on the U. P. road, nine miles away. The fare is very low, the drivers safe men, and the speed satisfactory. It is an enterprise which deserves patronage, and we hope the company will have the sup port and good wishes of every citizen of the town.-Detroit Free Press.
The Clifton clarion., 1889-08-28
n Incorrect n.a-nos;s.

A business man and fAancier Of the first rank in Boston is so absent:0inied that he occasionally forgets to go to his dinner. His customary hour for this meal-when he re- members it-is , o'clock. The other day, quite absorbed in business, he worked stesC;i y on until o'clock, and then began to have quite natural sense of emptiness and yearn- ing in his stomach.
 Dear me" he said, musingly, applying the fiat of his hand to his waistcoat T won der what l ate for dinner that disagrees with meln-Boston Transcript.
The Clifton clarion., 1889-08-28
Lessons of Exnerience.

Anxious Mother-AIy son, that young lady you admire knows nothing about house work.
 Son-Well, mother, you know you don't either.
 True, my son. Your fathers brother, however married a girl who did, and tie money she saved was invested in real estate and they are now living in a brown stone palace"
 Oh, well, his fortune couldn't all have come from that"
 Maybe not, maybe not; but your father and are living in rented house, and ore of our cid servant girls owns 1t "