Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1889-02-22

chrOndria, headache, neuralsl",
Brights disease, insanity, apo
plexy, iaundice, bank wrecklng,
burglary, intemperance, murder,
cigarettes, rebellion and fits, and
has deliberately decided TO make
his sneak at the first opportunity.
Now, to such persons we wish to
say in all candor, that you should
not be rash in the matter. BE
sure before you take the fatal step
that IN it is really what you want
TO do. 1t is true, probably, that
two thirds Of the inhabitants OF
this earth are dissatisfied with
their lot as being too hard or too
stony, or swampy, or something,
aud are only looking Tor decent
chance to get oHt. Your case is
no exception, only you have 1t a
little worse than the rest.
If. after a rigid self examination,
YOU are still bound and determined
TO end the whole business and snuh
the light out entirely, be sure anc
do a good job, with as little trouble
to your friends as possible.
Strychuine is quick, but painful
and rather uncertain, as an over
dose will not only make you Sick
bat will leave enough life in you
for the doctors to work on. Arsenic
is about the same. ChlorotoIm
and It's relatives are quiet, but it
has such a sickening smell that
few people travel out by that route,
and then you are liable to be
brought out OF 1t after a Elk hours
walking match with the doctors.
The shotgun policy is tolerably GER
tam, though not always, while the
pistol is very uncertain and alto
gether unsatisfactory, as 1t does
muss up things fearfully. You
positively cannot blow your brains
out in the house and DE decent
about it, and nobody likes to go
out of doors all alone in the murky
night, where you cant find the
trigger without cropping IN the
dark, and then can't see whether
You ane aiming at your temple or
the barn door. 1t seems to MS a
most cherries aud dismal task to
20 out thus In the mud and slush
up to your ankles, with the chick
ems, ducks and geese cackling,
auacking and squawklng at being
disturbed at such an unseemiy
hour, and the swine roofing at
your feet or scratching their brist-
ling sides against your trousers
legs. And then, with nothing but
the blinking stars, or at most the
sarcastic face of the frozen moon
to watch your proceedings, DELHI
erately plank lead into your anat-
omy.
The hogs may squeal and run
away for a minute, but they are
bound to come back and root your
carcass around in the mud to see
it you haye anything good to eat
concealed about your person. Then
when you are found by horrlued
friends, think of the awful bother
and expense you have entailed up
on them. They can't get out OF
the scrape and give you decent
burial a cent short OF $3.50 or so,
and you know you didn't leave
that much.
Just so with other methods.
They are expensive and often very
embarrassing, because not imme'
diately fatal.
Now, if you have read this artl.
Gle, and are still bent on suicide,
just get can of nitro glycerne or
dynamite; empty everything out
of your pockets; tell your folks
you are going out for a walk and
NAV not be back for dinner; wan.
der out into the fields and select a
spot where there are some big
powders set the can on the big
pest: call the flock of sheep that
is sure TO be grazing in the field,
and when one or more of them are
within a few feet OF you, seat your
self on the explosive, and then, al
ter taking a last look at the old
chestnuty world you hate so bit
terlv. pound the can with another
stone. If you find yourself still
gazing at the felds, and sky and
sheep, bit 1T again, harder than
before. If there is still no change
in the scenery, tbump It for keeps,
and keep humping it until some
thing unusual happens.
The village papers will remark
that "a strange thud was heard III
the direction OF Farmer Gubbins'
place about 1915 on Saturday
morning, and upon investigation
large rock that had pesIered the
farmer for years was found blown
to atoms, together with several OF
bis coarse wool sheep. A large
hole in the ground gave evidence
OF a fearful explosion, the cause Of
which can only be cOpjectured. a
piece of a shirt band, marked will
the initials Y. Y. H., was found II
a walnut tree fifty feet away and
the sole of a No. 10 boot. These
relics, together with the fact that
our townsman, Xannhus York
shire Zebra, has not been heard Of