The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1889-04-04
NEWSPAPER HUMoR.
Written With a Six Dollar Pair of Shears
Late habts-Night gowns,


Late habits-Night gowns,
a star of the evening-A policeman.
Court plasters-Awards for damages.
Pleading at the bar-Begging for a
Drink.
The first beard of education-The
blackboard.
When is a nutmeg like a prison win
dow!-When it is grated.
Walters epitaph-He couldn't wait
any longer, so he went.
The sieve through which the man
strained every nerve is for sale.
An unfortunate listener begs for some
one to invent ''noiseless hand organ"
A Camden man is 80 modest that he
never changes his boarding place until
after dark
MARY, my love, this apple dumping
is not half DONE" well, finish it then,
my dear"
The man whose head was fairly
turned says it feels very uncomfortable
in that position.
The saying that there is more pleas
ure in giving than receiving is supposed
to apply to kicks medicine and advice.
An undertaken having apartments to
let posted his bills upon the collins in
the windows, announcing, lodgings
for single gentlemen"
Mrs. Smith who is reading a humor-
GUS paper-I don't see any fun in those
jokes about big bills for ladies' hats.
Mr. Smith, don't either.
He-Can you tie true lovers knot,
my dear? She.-No, hiding her bushes
with her fan, but our new clergyman
can do it very nicely.
Teacher-Tommy, what is half of
eight Pupil-Sldeway or top? Teach
er-What do you meau? Why, half
from the top of is 0 and half sideways
is3
A fellow in Indiana put one end of a
gun barrel in the fire and then looked
A cOroner's jury decided that his sus
picions were correct.
Johnny-Tommy, let's put our pen.
nies together and get ma nice Christ.
mas present. Tommy-All right. What
shall it be? guess ave had better get
her padded slipper.
A certain clergyman, who recently had
an overcoat aud umbrella stolen from
his hall, thinks that the thief is libely to
turn up where neither overcoat nor UNI
brelia will be essential to comfort.
She-I must show you my new clock
before you go. He, facetiously-Some
of my frienes tell me l am homely
enough to stop a clock. She-Oh, that
won't matter! 1t can be started again.
Hanover Squeer-It would be good a
thing for that young Jack Dorr. if the
conceIt were knocked out of him. Park
Rowe Merciful powers! There wouldn't
be enough left of him to hang clothes
on!
Dutiful daughter-Now mother don't
ask me to marry that man! | admire
and respect him, but do not love him.
Practical mother-You won't see him
often enough to get tired of him. He's
politician.
Old lady, to grocer's boyle them
eggs on the counter fresh, young feller?
Boy-Yes'm. Old lady-How long have
they been laid: Boy-Not very long,
ma'am. l laid em there myself less'n a
half an hour ago.
Professor" said a student in pursuit
Of knowledge concerning the habits of
animals, why does cat, while eating,
turn her head first one way and then the
otherT "For the reason" replied the
professor, that she can't turn it both
ways at once"
Mark Twain thinks that soda water is
not reliable for steady drink. 1t is too
gassy. The next morning after drink
lug thirty eight bottles, he found him
self full of gas and as tight as balloon.
He hadn't an article of clothing he
could wear except an umbrella.
Sunday school scholar, who has been
giving profound attention to the question
under Observation-Disclosures, you say we
must always love our enemies. Now
s'pose two fellows love the same girl,
and one gets her and the other don't.
Do you s'pose the one that gets left is
going 10 love the one who gets the girl?
Teacher lost in meditation.