davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.

The Railway Dinner-Explaining His
SmalIness a Baseball
Standpoint-His First Was
One, ETC., Etc.
"Superfsh."
Bing!
"Stakerliver."
Bang!
'tPieorpul."
Bung!
''Teareough"
Sling!
"Cheesercrackers."
Slang!
''Nutsrapples."
Slung!
All out!
Fifty cents!
AwIaboard?
Ph-wiz!
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
PERFECTLY SATISFACTORY.

ssHave You any work on punctuationW
she asked at the book store.
s'Sorry to say we are just out. y |
ssWell, perhaps you could tell me what.
7 want to know. What does mark;
under a word signify2"
s'That is to emphasize the word"
COIL see. Thank you" Il
And as she passed out clerk heard her
whisper to herself:
'And James put five marks under the
word Dear r"-Detrot Free Press. Is
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
AMBIGUOUS.

$50 old Tubbs remembers me, does
he2 Well, well, we used to be great GRO
aies, Bill and I did. Did he says any
thing about me2"
"Yes, pa-paw."
"What did he say?"
"When I told him that I was your
daughter, pa-paw, he said he never would
have believed it."
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A FINANCIAL NECESSITY.

Anxious Young Man-"What will You
charge for publishing this list of persons
who have been killed by eating ics
cream?"
Managing Editor-"About S5O."
Anxious Young Maxwell, print it,
am secretary of the Trying-to-save-a-cent
Young Mems Club, and we must do sonnet
thing to counteract the present expen-
sive craze, or drop out of society. ~;
Omaha World.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A GLIMPSE OF HER FUTURE.

Flossie is six years old. "Mamma" She
asked one day, "if I get married will ]
have husband like pa9" 1.
eyes," replied the mother with an
amused smile.
"And if 1 don't get married will I have
to be an old maid like Aunt Kate2" 4
eyes"
"Mamma" (after ause)-"It's q
tough world for us women, amt it7"-
Binghamton Republican,,
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A TRAMP PHILOSOPHER.

First Tramp" Ere comes benevo-s
lent-lookin' old chap, pard. Let's tackle
i'm for the price of nights lodgin'."
Second Ditto (something of philoso-
pher)-"Don't you think of it, Bill; let's
wait for somebody that's half full. Them
benevolent-lookin' ducks always wants to
organize themselves into society, elect
board of directors, and ire or6ce afore
they gives you cent. T'other sort is the.
sort to lay for."-GrSp.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
HOPE FOR THE HUMBLEsT.

Fifteen years ago Missouri boy left
bis home and started out to become the
President of the United States.
He got as far as Cincinnati. The boy
Is now a man, and he is also one of the
best shoemakers in the Ohio State Prison.
Life. -
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A HIGH-sPIRITEp GIRL.

"But if you don't love him, Clara, why
are you going to marry him9"
"Because he dared me to, mamma.
He knew my high-spirited nature, too.
Oh, I'll make him sorry enough for it
don't you be afraid. ."-Chicago Tribune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A DESPERATE ALTERNATIVE.

He poor and idle)-"You reject my
hand. Cruel girl! Reverse your decis-
lon or I shall do something desperate!"
She (an heiress who knows he woos
her to be maintained-"Go to work, I
ppose!"-SJtiaags.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
HIS FIRST WAS ONE.

Mr.. McCrackle- -"Young Brown won't
have to wait ten years before celebrating
bis tim wedding"
Mrs. McCrackle-"How Is that?"
Mr.. McCrackle-"He married girl
worth 100000 in her own right. ."-NeaO
York Sun.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
Under THE SILENT y y y

"What makes you so thoughtful to-
night, George?" asked Nellie.
"Well," said George, as he threw his
eyes up to the ceiling and took fresh
hold upon her slender waist, 81 was
thinking that if your mother was willing!
to become my mother-in-law, would
like it very much"
"You would?"
81 would, indeed"
"Then if it will afford you any salts.
faction can inform you that am quitel
willing that she should and also that she
is quite willing to act in that capacity in:
quiet and unostentatious manner"
And thus under the silent stars the!
arrangements were concluded by which,
two lives hitherto running apart are to-
be blended into one, and youth hither-i
to his own master is to stoop under the.
yoke of Observation-Disclosures
Courier.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
NO INTERMEDIATE STATE.

Caller (at a hoteD-"I cannot find
Colonel Kaintuck."
Clerk-"Isn't he in the barroom2"
Caller-ssNo."
Clerk-"Myl My! Inquire at the
morgue."- ."-Me1o York Tribune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
FROM A BASEBALL STANDPOINT.

She--"How did you like our new
minister yesterdayS"
He "a bashful crank)-"Oh, he'll
make good pitcher in time; his delivery
It pretty puzzling.'- Lampoon.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
ALI outl
EXPLAINING HIS sMALLNEss.

"How is it your Tommy is SO small
for his age, Mrs. Briggs?"
ooh, the little dear always was shrink
Ing child" explained its mother.-Ne'o
York Sun.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
BEER AND BUSINESS.

Of twenty-six of the leading business firms
and manufacturers in the United States-all
rated by Dun's Mercantile Agency as possess,
ing capital of at least $3.50, ,OOo-intervieweed
by us, only one allowed the use of liquor in
his establishment, and then only during the
dinner hour. Everyone reports that the
business interests of the employer are
jeopardized by the draln-shop association OF
the employe, and that most cases OF IN
dividual poverty among the latter can De
traced to the saloons. .-Homitetlc RerleW.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03

The Methodist Book Concern is be-.
lieved to be the largest publishing house.
in the world.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03

Newcastle, England, shows conviction for
drunkenness annually for each fifty-two OF its
population; Liverpool is disgraced by one IN
forty. Norwich, which is the least drunken
city in England, boasts Of only one conVlc-
ton in 987 Of the population.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
OUT HUNTING.

'sMy dear fellow you can't imagine how
{ felt the first time I caught sight of q
iquirre1-a real, live squirrel !! My heart
Jumped into my throat. What joy!
What emotion! I raised my gun to my
shoulder, took aim, and fired. The gun
went off all right"-
"Well2"
"And so did the squirrel"
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
A THOUGHTFUL FRIEND.

"Who was that you bowed to on the
cara" she asked of her friend, as they
stood in a store-door on Woodward
avenue. &
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
elbow sweetly she bowed back.

elbow sweetly she bowed back" 4
"Yes, We love each other dearly. When
her father died last year was the only
friend she had thoughtful enough to,
count the carriages and tell her there
were forty seven. ."-Deroit Free Press.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03

'Tf any man serve Ne, let him follow Me;
and where am, there shall also My servants
be: if any man serve Me, him WILL My
Father honorn-John II: 26.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03

b
children. They 60 through every street. up
every dark alley, into every cellar, along
every highway. Hagar and Ishmael! and
while pronounce their names, it seems like
the moaning of the death wind-Hagar and
Ishmael!
I learn one more lesson from this
Oriental scene, and that is, that every
Ishmael gave up to die. Hagar's heart sank
p'Water! water! waterm "Ah," she says, my
darling, there is no water. This is desert"
And then Gods angel said from the cloud:
'"What aileth thee, Hagar" And she looked
up and saw him pointing to well OF water,
where she filled the bottle for the lad. Blessed
be God that there is in every wilderness q
well, if you only know how to find it-fount-
aims for all these thirsty souls today. ''On
that last day, on that great day of the feast,
let him come to Me aud drink
All these other fountains you find
are mere mirages of the, des-
ert. Paracelsus, you know, spent his time in
trying to find out the elixir of life-a liquid
which if taken, would keep one perpetuaLy
young in this world, and would change the
aged back again to youth. Or course, no
was disappointed; he found not the elixir.
But here tell you to-day of the elixir Of
Of Ages" and that drinking that water
YOU shall never get old. and YOU will
never be sick, and you will never die. "Ho,
every one that thirsteth, come ye. to the
waters" All, there is man who says:
IT have been looking for that fountnin a
great while, but can't find it." And here is
some one else who says: II believe all you
say, but have been trudging along in the
wilderness and can't find the fountain" Do
you know the reason? will tell you. You
never looked in the right direction. "O,"' you
say, 81 have looked everywhere. I have
looked north, south, east and west, and I
haven't found the fountain" Why. you are not
looking in the right direction at all. Look up,
where Eagar looked. She never would have
found the fountain at al, but when she
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1889-07-03
BASEBALL LINGO.

"And so did the squirrel"
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

Sugar Planter: The Marksville
Review of the I'd inst, contains an
able editorial on the present judicial
system Of this State. That journal
is very properly opposed to the
Court Of Appeals system, and clearly
demonstrates the fact that it is cum.
bersome, costly and useless, while it
fails to meet the requirements of a
perfect judicial condition. The Re.
view suggests az substitute for the
Circuit Courtportion ofour judiciary,
return to the old parish Judge sys.
TEN, with notifications. We heartily
confer with our esteemed confrere
in its opinion-having urged the
same views on previous occasions
and sincerely trust that the press of
the State will continue to oppose the
absurdities and inconveniencies of
our judicial systein-particularly the
Court of Appeals portion thereof
until such public sentiment thereof
can be aroused as will result in a
constitutional amendemnt designed
to bring about cheaper, better and
more perfect judiciary.
While courts, lawyers and eepeci.
ally juries are mainly responsible
for failure Of a rigid enforcement OF
the laws, it seems clear to the ron.
judicial mind that the laws them
selves are also greatly At fault. BY
skilfful manipulation, the worst
possible case may, under the forms
Of law, be beaten about from pillar
to post on one techuicality after
another until, at last, it makes a
hole jim the judicial waters and
disappears from the view of the
public whose Indignation thereat
soon passes into the limbo of forgot.
ten things. Shreveport Times.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06
ADVERTISING RATES:

transient advertisements. Sl.oo per
~, t;rst insertion. Each subseqent n
sea,,ua, ea,nun,nncing ~ candidates for office. $1,000
;,droncc. ad1r Ward offices. $500 in advance.
" Death and marriage notices. when not
aver ak lines. published free. Obituaries;
resolrtionsof respect, etc, VIII be charged
for at regular advertising rates.
'' Articles of a personal nature, when adj
missible. will be charged double price.
No notice taken of anonymous conimu-
,;ratiOns. In all cases we iclurg the
writer's name and address. not necessarily
,or publication, but as q guarantee OF
goo,faith. We will undertake. to preserve
or return rejected manuscript. In no way
will We be responsible for the views and
opinioAs of our correspondents.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

An i'll word-Sick.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06
White Laborers to the Front.

The reporter of the States has
had an interview with Joseph W.
Frellsen, a rich planter of St. Char.
les parish, and proprietor of the
Fairview plantation, and he made
the following interesting statemen:
Il have changed my system of
labor. have now on my planta-
ton twenty five families of white
people, numbering in all l25 per-
sons. | have the land divided out,
and receive from each tenant one
quarter Of the crop product. find
them far preferable to the colored
laborers. They are thrifty, economi,
cal and Industrious. They take
great pride in their premises, and
are continually making such i'm,
provements as are necessary for
comfort and convenience. They fur
nish all their own live stock and
farming utensils, and each one of
the men will do more effective work
in one day than any two negroes !
ever saw, because they work intel
ligently. They are contented and
work and live together in harmony
and are honest in their dealings.
There are among them blacksmiths,
engineers, carpenters and other
mechanics, and the work on the
plantation goes on smoothly in
every detail, thereby saving much
expense that I was subject to under
the negro system Of labor, and I am
convinced that I will realize far
more from my place this year than
heretofore. I am pleased with the
change l have made and will never
Willingly 90 back to negro labor
New Orleans States.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

An agent of the Rothschilds has
purchased for q nominal sum q new
ly discovered gold mine in the
Batapolis district in Mexico. Ad.
vance rnmors says that there is $685.
100000 worth Of gold waiting to be
uncovered.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

Mrs. Morton's daughters made a
pretty picture in the gallery of the
senate, where they sat demurely
watching their father sworn in as
vice. president. There are five Of
them-a flush OF hearts, as it were.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

A Yankee has invented an an.
paratus for timing horses. A clock
with three hands-minutes, second
and quarter hands-is started by
the official timer. When the vim:
ming horse touches the wire the
clock is stopped by electricity. The
same instant the current opens :
camera, which photographs the
horse and the clock face.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06
s'The Old Time Darkey.,,

When young people commence
housekeeping and gardening, about
the first thing they DO is to hunt NJ
end employ what is known as q "old
time darkey, one that has Judgment
and knows how things should be
DONE" We have been along that
way and know all about it. We
have paid highly for our experience,
but have not found any "old time
darkey" who had judgment. lie is
and imaginery character and may
have once existed, but you cannot
find him now. Put him in your
garden and he will break it up with
a ha!f-shovel, merely scraping Oft
the surface in spots, casting dirt
over what the plow does not touch.
He never lays off your rows straight
or at equal distances. Unless you
are looking at him hs drops some
of your seed in the ground and some
of them in his pocket. He puts
your peas in deep and your Irish
potatoes shallow. He plants your
corn thick and beans thin, and about
everything as it should not be done.
He works your ground when it 10
too wet and ruins it for years. II
you feed him he gets away With
more provisions than his work is
worth. If your garden is q success
in spite of mistakes and mismanage-
ment, you may rest assured that yoa
have paid ten times the market
price for the crisp vegetables that
come upon your table.
The "old time darkey" that you
put in the kitchen holds her hand
with the man in the garden. She
fries your meat until it 10 in q twist,
black and burnt to . cinder. Your
biscuits are golden yellow With sods
and burnt on the under side. Your
tumblers come to the table cloudy
with grease, and to wash the handles
of your knives and forks 10 . thing
she never prstends to do. The
coffee ie muddy and weak and you
will eat your "peck Of dirt" many
times in the year. All the time she
is with you the big pocket she has
in her frock is fllled every day.
She has lot of kin and old "fellox.
servants" that she looks out for.
She fills it day after day With bread,
meat, hominy. batter cakes, sugar
and coffee. Your baby's toys 60
into it and your silver tpoous So
also does your towel, handkerchief
and collars. Your boys knife disap
pears in the same direction aud
pieces Of lace, ribbon or anything
lying around loose follow suit. She
will stick to you % long O. you
turn the pantry keys over to her
and let her have foil swing at the
supplies.
Such is the style Of the old time
darkeys that have come our way.
If there are any exceptions We have
not struck them. They will do to
write about, but in actual life they
arc few if any. Keep your eyes
and ears open when you hire ohe.-
Abbeville Is. C.) Medium.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06
| HAVE CHANGED
my BUSINESS
. IfZR0I CREDIT
TO STRICTLY CASH!

l hope my friends and customers
will not become offended if I refuse
them credit.
l have received a large and veil
selected stock Of Spring and Sum.
mer goods Of all kinds which l will
sell at as low as any cash store in
any other part Of the State, without
exception. Come and examine nv
goods, and learn the prices before
purchasing elsewhere.
JACOB ISAACS.
March 30.'s9-3m.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

The East Carroll Democrat says
New Orleans merchants are losing
the mercantile trade of rural Louis.
lana because of their penuriousness
with regard to advertising in coun-
try newspapers. The Democrat is
right. St. Louis Is daily encroach.
ing on New Orleans territory right
here in this State, and unless the
merchants Of the Crescent City get
q move on themselves in the matter
Of advertising and drumming up
business, they are going to be badly
knocked out in the race for trade.
The fact that North Louisiana, in a
commercial sense, is in the hands Of
St. Louis merchants, should furnish
food for thought to the thinking
business men of New Orleans. Sugar
Planter.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

Ex-Governor McEnery, of Louis.
lana, is showing his good citizen.
ship by taking prominent part in
the effort to induce immigration to
that State. A letter which he sent re-.
Gently to on immigration convention
contained the interesting statement
that niue times as many people attain
the age of 100 in Louisiana as in New
York, and fifteen times as many as
in Maine. The South, no doubt, is
remarkably healthy, and immigrants
may come to, any Southern State and
retain it, if not improve their health.
Savannah News.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

Entered at the Post Office, Abbeyille, La
as second class matter.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

A good conscience before God is
a tower Of strength to the soul.
The Meridional. (Abbeville, La.) 1856-1906, 1889-04-06

Feed wheat if you want winter eggs.
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-05-13
FOR Observation-Disclosures.
Machinery ana Metals

TOR HAND ENGINES AND
II boiers all sizes and styles kept in stock, from
to 100 h. p. all RENTED: good new, at lowest
prices; mounted portable engines, to 25 h. D.
23-25 Park way. Us. YOUNG, Allegheny, Pa.
ia3-9o-MWF
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-05-13
AN ITALIAN MISSION.

One VIII be Started at the Cathedral Mex
sunday-A Church for Them May be
BuiIt-GambIers at Service.
A mission for Italians exclusively will be
begun at ST. Paul's Cathedral next Sunday
by two Italian priests, who have been sent
out BY Pope Leo XIII. for mission work in
the United States. They will stay here one
week.
The mission will be conducted in the
italian tongue, but any person can attend
If they desire to do so. While the mission
is going on steps will be taken to organize
an Italian church in the lower part of the
city. Father Wall will give them the use
of the basement Of the Cathedral, until
they can find better place or build church.
If they do not choose to do the latter
they will probably be given the basement
as permanent place of worship if they can
secure the services of a priest from their
own country 1t has been suggested that
Rev. Father McTighe, pastor of St.
Malschi's Church, be afterward placed in
charge of the mission. Father McTighe
can converse as fuently in the italian and
many others as he can in the English Ian
guage. All the Italians in the city are
Catholics.
After the italian mission steps will be
taken to secure the services of a colored
priest for one week to come to this city and
labor among the people of that race Father
McDermott, of the Holy Ghost College, who
has been conducting a mission school for
them, is meeting with very great success.
A great many old colored Catholics send
their children to the mission school, but it
is very hard work to get them to attend
mass themselves.
The mission at the Cathedral, which
closed last evening, was one of the most sue
cessful ever held by the Pauiist Fathers.
Father Smith stated last night that the
Catholics of this city are of very intense
character, and their attendance upon the
mission has been remarkable. During the
two weeks they have been here, the priests
have heard over 1000 confessions and
added between 30 and S5 Prot
estant converts to the Catholic faith.
The church has been crowded morning and
evening. Last night it was packed to suf-
location. Many of those present were Pro-
testants, who had been attracted out of Gu
riosity, and number of former well-known
gamblers were seen kneeling devoutly in
praver. They probably went to the mission
ont of curiosity or at the solicitation of
their friends, and while in the sacred edi-
fee. memories dear to childhood may have
been brought baek::to their minds.
At the services last evening Father Smith
preached on Baptism, and the men as
sembled renewed their vows. The discourse
was a very learned one, and minutely ex-
plaiped ali the objects of baptism. In the
morning Father Weymsns preached the
sermon.
Fathers Smith, Weymans and Cullen
leave tomorrow for Worcester, Mass, where
a large mission will be conducted. Fathers
Nevins and Clark will 60 to West Point.
Four of the mission fathers who have been
here are converts. Father Clark was an
Episcopal minister, Father NearS an Epis-
copal deacon and Father Nevins was a men,
Der Of the same church. Father Weymans,
who is graduate Of Brownies College, was
Congregstionalist
Pittsburg dispatch. [volume] (Pittsburg [Pa.]) 1880-1923, 1889-05-13
SIKTY-FOUR YEARS OLD.

The Bible Cla.ses of the First Church,
Allegheny, Celebrate the Anniversary.
The sixty-fourth anniversary of the Bible
schools of the First Presbyterian Church,
Allegheny, was celebrated yesterday after
noon. After singing several hymns and re-
citing Scripture lesson, Misses Reed and
jackson sang a duet "There is Work for
All to Do"
Rev. David S. Kennedy, the pastor of the
church, delivered an address on "The Love
of Money is the Root of All Evil" Mrs.
William B. Wolfe sang a solo, EVE Hath
Not Seen" and Rev. John R. Sutherland,
d. D., delivered an address to the children,
his subject being "Gideon's Army"
After singing by the school Mr.. George
Irwin spoke on the subject, "Whose Son
Art Thou? To Whom Belongest Thou?"
The exercises closed with parting hymn
by Mrs. Wolfe and the choir.