Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-06-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

y y
your mother know your route.-NeD
Orleans Picayursc.
You will find the most correct &C
count of the clothes of the yearin your
tailor's bill.-BostOrs Bulletin.
Oliver-I do not think l am quite
myself this evening. Jeannette-Al-
low me to congratulate you.-LJe.
What are the great astronomers?
The stars. because they have studded
the heavens for ages.-BoSton Beacon.
Don't be dishonest in small mat
ters. If you get found out you won't
have much of chance for larger
operations.-Life.
af-dumb-blind," read Squeers.
"Here, my good man, take this quarter. !"
Beggar liel' OATS a two-cent
piece, you tief. Thine.
House and visiting gowns are slight
~ trained this season, but the ball
room dress is as unmanagable as eyer.
Harrington Free Press.
The critics who gush so extravaganza
ly over the star actresses and prime
dome are liable to die from an over.
dose of lauden'em.-TeTas Sytings.
John, DEAR" she said, ''if L were to
die would you marry againP" "Imight,
my love-" he replied, ''but I should go
trifle less recklessly than did be-
fore. Once a Week.
1t is not always the man who looks
the wisest who knows the most, but
most people don't know this, so that it
will pay you to look just as wise as
you possibly Charlottesville Journal.
Miss Smith-Did anybody call this
evening, Bridget? Bridget-Yis, miss;
Moike O'Shamus and Tim Blarney.
Miss S.-WhatP 1 don't know theml
Biddy-They called on me, num-
Life.
"If you refuse me l shall dier' he
exclaimed wildly. Then you might
give me proof of your love before
you die" What kind of proof" SIN
sure your life in my favor. "-Boston
Courier.
Abused husband-Say can man
get divorce for crueltyP Lawyer
Certainly. What does your wife do
to your ''She fits my shirts herself
and makes me wear 'em. "-PhitGdeL-
Winks-What are you doing nowP
Jinks-Running a cheap restaurant
downtown. II never supposed you
knew how to cook" 81 don't. That's
why Pm running cheap restaurant"
Philadelphia Record.
1t is proposed to hold the next re-
union of the Smith family in Delaware.
The absurdity of holding a reunion of
the Smith family in Delaware would
make the authors of ''Pinafore" smile.
SOnerVitLe Journal.
"What will be the end of the human
racer" inquired the orator, and one fell
low in the audience remarked that if
cremation continued to grow in popu-
larity the race would end in a dead
heat.--I'erre Hdute ErDreSS.
Mrs. Manhattan-Bu what a hope
lessly vulgar lot those Joneses are!
Why, hear that Mr.. Jones pays all
his bills in cash, and Mrs. Jones to my
personal knowledge will 60 shopping
for pair of gloves and carry them
home herself!-Life.
Winks-"Seems to me the Haytians
might know better than to be buying
old broken down merchant vessels for
men-of-war. Minks-"But you must
remember the poor ignorant blacks
DOWN. Hayti have never seen any navy
except ours. Philadelphia Record.
II wish to get pipe suitable for a
present." said the daughter. Let me
see something artistic, please" ''Some-
thing er-er-whatP" stammered the
bewildered clerk. IAN artistic pipe,'
chimed in Mrs. Malaprop. lone that
draws well, you know. "-Neoo York
San.
Miss Richandugly with a sigh)-
Then you love me, Count? Count
Castagno Qervently)-Lova you? My
Coda, yesa! Bobby (under sofa)-
Chestnuts! Count (his old commercial
instincts overcoming him)-Fiva centa
pinte; how mucha you wanta?-ToUrl
Topics.
Fair passenger Ito her travelling
COMPATIBILITY you know, Mr.. Samp.
son, that | feel nervous? Mr.. Sampson
What makes you feel that wayP Dc
you anticipate danger? Fair passenger
(shyly)-No, [ don't anticipate any
danger, but we are approaching a tun.
nel.-Epoch.
Wife-John, my housekeeping al
lowance won't suffice this week. You'll
have to help me out about S.. Hus
band-Is that so? What's the troubled
Wife-O, it won't happen again, but
have been trying some of the dollar
dinners that the newspapers are full of
Harper'S Bazaar.
Head waiter-"Didn't Mr.. Good.
heart tip you just nowP" Waiter
Eyes, sab; CUB me half dollah.
"Well, you wait on that new CUES
and give some other waiter a chance
at Mr.. Goodheart's table. He ism
more than half through yet. -Phila
deLphiG Record.
Mrs. De Fashion (sneeringly)-Her
I've been wondering where you were
for the last hour, and / find you'v,
been up in the nursery. That new
nurse girl is rather pretty, isn't she
MIR. De F. (quietly)-The nurse is out
but there some interesting children VI
there.-Phtladelphia Record.
EYES," said Mrs. De Porque, JUS
after her return trip from abroad
''France is great country. The PEG
pie in Paris are amazingly clever.
s.In what wayP" why, they al
speak French fuently, and several 0
them assured me they had never taker
3 single lesson. "-Merchant Traveller.
When did your eve frs
become infiamed?" Patient-"Yester
day. l went up to lady to speak &
her and the peak of her bonnet
Il see. We have many such cases