The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1889-08-07
a. Iss55l[sSslxu>s1 No.
WEDNESDAY. AnG I 1880.
WEDNESDAY,, AUG. I, 1889.
Wit AND nUMOR.

nal.
McCorkle- Smythe says he owes
you a grudge. McCrackle-Never
mind; Smythe never pays anything
HdTper's Bazaar.
A man never opens box of chew
ing tobacco with a corkscrew; he sim
ply pulls the cork out with his fingers.
Washington Critic.
The reason why the small boy does
not wear bathing costume is because
nothing is good enough for him.
Terre Haute Express.
An Interesting sight is to watch a
minister try to open o car window.
The dramatic effect comes from what
be doesn't say.-Life.
i Teacher-Name some Of the most
Important things existing to-day which
were tfhknownl 100 years ago. Tommy
Us Isyrs Hauts Express.
u Goyarness- Can you give me an
illustration of the meaning of abbre-
Walton. Tommy? Tommy promptly
Sister Mays bathing dress. To
day.
Some old dinner customs still pre-
vail The Romans used to recline at
their banquets, and the habit of lying
at public dinners is common STILL
london Tid-Bfts.
Brown-Ten English paupers came
over on the last steamer. Jones (who
Is rich and the father Of several
daughters Great goodnessi Not all
Dukes. / hope.-7e1as STtings.
Ted-So she cost you all that money!
Why, the girl must be made OF ice
cream by this time. Ned-I guess
you're right. She is a Boston girl and
irregular freezer herself. Epoch.
The worst of these child's banks,
said fond father the other day, is
that it takes so long to get the money
out of them when yon are in hurry
to catch the train.-Boston Courier.
Flush Youth Qrom the country
"Can you direct me to tho Office Of
Catchem & Cheatem, brokersp Po-
lieeman-.'Ask that man over there.
He was rich once. m--Neto Fork Weekly.
Notwithstanding the great number
Of great men there are in this country
the country is still great enough for
them all to turn about in without
crowding each other.-Neto Orleans
Ricayts,se.
Ex-Basso-"The singers to-day have
NO strength, ] assure you, children. /
sand once in Vienna so hard that
gentleman in the parquet became deaf,
and he never was sorry for IT,
Fiiegende Blatter.
Cowboy-Say, you! DO you run
this enginep Locomotive engineer
Yes, what can do for youp Cowboy
II want situation as cow-catcher.
I've been on q ranch for the last ten
years. -Bosion Herald.
Mr.. Bowie (of Arkansas)-A COM
mittee of one of our best citizens, Mr..
Smith. ID waiting In the hotel parlor
to receive you. Mr.. Smith (who is
visiting the town)-Best citizensm
Great Scott What have done to BIO
iynched. - Time.
Doctor Your blood is deficient In
quality, Mr.. Jones. What you need
Is more iron in your system. Mr..
Jones-That can't be. doctor, have
stepped on at least twenty two tacks
vain my pare feet since house-cieaning
psgan.-Du'''"g'o" rree 1fesS'
Briggs-What the dickens are you
applanding that jay forP Why. he
can't sing that song any better than q
l4-year-old boy. Braggs-I know he
can't. but thought l would applaud
him for his magnificent exhibition Of
nerve - ie'fe ha"'e h@Press' !.
She--George, why do they call
Philadelphia the City OF Brotherly
Loyep He Because whenever a girl
promises 70 20 sister 70 ieiiow nc
puys ticket 70 rniiaueiphia so us %
nsve qu'es pace 10 ui,nk me whois
anair over -Du'''"gso" rfee f'esS'
Mrs Gadd-You look tired, Mrs.
Gabb-What is the matterP Mrs Gabb
Tired! I'm nearly dead. I've sat al
my bathroom window for seven weeks
r,gnI along, listening 10 the SOUNDS ~
.ne parsonage next door. ana , maven
1eara cross word yet.--He~ FORK
"seSsy.
The dentists daughter (who hears
her father approaching)-0, dear,
Edward. here comes my father. II he
should find us together here we are
lost, Y, he IS comingl You will have
eitner 10 ask Tor my hand or-let him
pun our a tooth iof you. -Ftsegentfe
6sdlter.
Deacon-Were you at church yester-
day. Mr.. Topper Toper-I was not.
Deacon Sorry. We had splendid
sermon on the constitutional amend
ment You missed 1t. Topper (sadly)
guess not. got It oil from my
VIE last night before went to sleep.
---LosoeH CHssen.
Uncle Jake Gust out Of the side
show That's the blamedst critter of
. pig ever seed. named the Jack
Of clubs and the darned thing list
rooted 1t right outen the deck.
Isranger-lnats quite q souse. uncie
sake--Souser Stranger-fes, pigs
teaL-tsoneer Press.
Valet (rinoing mn the doctor Mt IT,.