Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-03
LINE KILN CLUB.
Elder T0OtS Gets His Back Too Near
the Stove.
Calculation by Brother Gardner OF
the Good the Club Has Done.
Detroit Free Press.

wooden, caused by Elder Toots getting his
back too near the hot stove, Brother Gard
ner arose and said
I'VE hav begun the twelfth gar of de ex-
istence of dis club, an it ar an appropriate
time for fggerin up what we hav accom-
pllshed as an organization. | hav made a
leetle calkerlation, which l will proceedt
read:
I'VE hav improved the moral status of
de Gull d race in America 50 per cent.
I'VE have reformed upwards of (esti-
n,sted) $4,000 pussons who war addicted
to the use of intoxicatin' drinks.
1--WE hav converted upwards of (estimat-
ed 100000 pussons to de science of by
gienne an sanitary regulashuns.
Twelve Y airs ago 5000, 900 dogs owned
by Gull d pussons war allowed to sleep I'M
der de bed. To-day de number is estimat-
ed at less than 100.
when dis club was first organized de
loss of chickens in de United States by
midnight evaporashun was calculated at
10000 per night for cherry night in de y ar
/ At dis date it will not average so.
Twelve Y airs ago no Gull pusson in
dis hull kentry felt any moral obligashun
when in de presence of awatermellyon At
| de present time de said mellyon has got to
be de biggist an ripest sort, an to hold
| out actual Encouragement to be Token In,
befo' Gull d man kin be tempted.
! in II different states dis club has
taken precedence of the regular legislach-
ures, an its proceedings ar read an hon
ored wild far mo- interest.
in many localities de Lime Kiln Club
is considered de superior of Congress, an
our reports on agriculture, fshin', POISON
huntin' an astronomy ar accepted as
standard by a large majority.
! 1--WE hev induced de speerit of economy
an thrift into ESTIMATED 1000, 900 bosoms,
adding to de capital Of de kentry at least
SIS, 900, 900 per y ar.
Twelve y ar ago de best educated Gull
man in dis kentry, couldn't tell six-shil-
lin chrome from a $4,000 paintin' At
the present date de same kin be told six
miles off,
Eben up to seben y ar ago no Gull d pus-
son In dis kentry had any idea of gravita-
shun, astronomy or medical science To-
day 100000 of our race know why a
grindstun falls to de ground when you
woman an child keeps track of de moon s
phases and knows de suns distance from
de airth De cause an effect of chillblains
!
man who gifts whack In de eye knows all
about de virchews of fresh beef as a
remedy.
TO sum up, we hev made record of
which cherry member of the club may justly
feel proud, an we hev honestly ARMED de
right to inscribe on our banner: Sic semper
tremor.
The Rev Penstock who has been very
quiet for few week past, now arose to in
/ quire:
Does de char fulluy comprehend de
meanin oh de Latin term used?''
''De char does?'' was the emhasic re-
Spouse.
Exactly, but I-I-what did de cha
mean to infer?''
'Brudder Penstock, " replied the presi-
dent, with a whole cold storage company
in his tones, ''dis cha r hash t passed frew
college, an bin loaded down wild certif-
Gates an diplomas, but nevertheless he
reckons on KNOWN what he is talkin
about. De meanin of dat Latin is: ''We
He's Got to De Top
'.But I-I-r'
''Brudder7 Penstock, set down. You is
disturbin' de meetin an layin yourself
liable to fine of half millyon dollars"
Penstock fell backwards in a heap, and
the president then announced the follow
ing local officers and committees:
Treasurer Isaac Walpoles
Secretary -Waydown Beebee.
Keeper Of the bear traps-Samuel Shin.
Janitor- Shindig Watkins.
Outer Guard Giveadam Jones.
Superintendent of the museum-Col
Kyann Johnson
On claims and accounts-Judge Hard
head, Col. BIN and Elder Walkoff
Onways and means Napoleon J, Hines,
Sandorf and Maj Rayback
On the fisheries Sinker Smith,
Elder Bass and the Rt. Hon. Caulifower
Clam
On jurisprudence Judge Capias White
and Esquire Blackstone.
On harmony-Peaceful Smith and Con
science Jackson.
On agriculture Subsoil Davis, Green
Clay Taylor and Corntop White.
On international affairs-Judge Buffing-
! ton Saunders, the Hon. Shivington Hast
ings and His Grace the Duke of Ala
| bama.
In announcing the last committee Broth
er Gardner said it was expected that they
would take hold Of the Canadian fisheries
/ question and the Behring sea troubles right
away, and make full investigation and a
complete report as soon as possible.
Authority is given the committee to send
for persons and papers, and from the we'll
| known sentiments expressed by at least
two of them it is confidently believed that
this will report a way to settle the ques-
tirn to the satisfaction of all concerned.
Judge Sunders and Hon. Shivington are
! in favor of buying Canada from the Eng
fish government, providing the price is not
too high, and only a few weeks since
mailed a letter to his PREMIER asking him
to state his lowest cash price.
The chairman of the committee on fads
and discoveries was asked for his quarterly
report. but he excused himself on the
! ground that his committe were just now
making some interesting experiments and
were not ready to report. The elixir of
life is being tried on large number of the
club and the results In each case will be
announced at the next meeting. Some of
them will no doubt astonish the medical
world. and all will prove of great interest
/ to the public generally.
Insanity and Crime.
Boston Herald
! The rapid increase of insanity Is one of
the serious problems of the day It APP
pears to be peculiarly malady of modern
civilization The greater the civilization,
the higher the ratio Of the insane. and the
increase is higher than that Of the popula-
ton. In the highest civilized countries
the proportion has grown to be something
| ike one insane DerSOn to every 800 or 400