Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1889-10-10
Helena Montana. Thursday, October 10, 1882
MR.. BOWSER AGAIN.
Trying to Shave Himself and q Poor
Business He Made of 1t.

Mrs. Bowser, do you know how mucl
time the average man consumes per weel
in getting shaved ?" queried Mr.. Bowser
as he entered the house the other evenipl
with parcel under his arm.
81 do not"
We'll, l figure it at an hour and q hal
to ~ nothing of the expense. One alst
runs many risks by shaving in a public
place."
YES"
"And 1 shall hereafter shave myself.
can do it in seven or eight minutes, at 8
cost of less than two cents, and 1 run no
risk OF having my throat cut by some
lunatic"
well. hope you'll make success OF it.
There you go! Did 1 ever attempt any
thing you didn't discourage
But you know you tried it twice and
gave 1t up and threw your outfits away in
disgust
"And why? Because some one used my
razors to cut kindling woodw
"Mr. BOwserw
"At least it appeared that way to me.
And got lame arm and we went off on
a visit, and there were several other rea.
sons. From this time forward 1 shall
shave myself, and | shall begin after sup
per-"
After supper he prepared himself with
three towels and quart of hot water, and
went up stairs to begin operations. / crept
softly up and took a seat on the landing
just as Mr.. BOwser had removed coat and
ov,1 COLL 81 L.
While he was sOaping his face l heard him
grOwl several times, and afterward ascer-
tanned that it was caused by his jabbing
the brush into his mouth and eyes by mis-
take. About one-half of the lather was
deposited on his shirt front before he got
through. He was just seventeen minutes
getting ready for the razor, and when he
took it up Leard him mutter:
This thing handles mighty awkward
If that fellow has gone and sold me a left
handed razor I'll prosecute him to the last
ditch" !"
He held it in various positions to get
"the hang" He made careful motion
along his right cheek and shaved off
whole spoonful of lather.
In the course of the next fifteen minutes
Mr.. Bowser must have removed as many as
two hairs from his face, and he uttered
fully one hundred sighs and grunts He
tried the razor in his right hand and in his
left, and in every conceivable position, and
he brushed on the lather until hoe would
scarcely have scraped it off.
You see," l heard him saying to him
self, "a fellow has to fool around while to
get confidence in himself. l expected it
would take me about half an hour this
time, but inside of a week I'll make a
clean shave inside of five minutes. There
that's good job"
He wet the towel and wiped the lather
off his face and took look in the glass.
The result astonisbed him. So far as he
could see he had not removed one single
beard. He had scraped off the lather, but
the beard was still there. He growled
away for while and then mixed a fresh
lot of lather and brushed it on, and, after
satisfying himself that the razor's edge
was all right by cutting hair pulled from
his head, he laid it against his chin. He
gradually turned it up and began to scrape,
and heard him softly saying:
Now, then, Pve got the real hang of it.
l was carrying it too flat. There's another
trick -"
Two things suddenly happened. He cut
the left corner Of his moustache off and
gashed his chin at the same stroke, and the
next instant he bounded into the hall and
shouted for me.
well what is it?" asked as l rose up.
Look here Pm fatally wounded" he
cried, as he danced around the hall.
Let me see. Why, it's nothing but
slight cut Let me wash the lather off"
1t was lively cut, and it bled freely for
a quarter of an hour, during which time
Mr.. Bowser did great deal of signing and
groaning and forgot about his mOustache.
When l had plastered up the cut he re-
turned to the glass, discovered that his
was lop- sided. and wheeled on
me to exclaim:
"Look at it Look at that Mrs. BowseIw
"Yes, you haggled your moustache. I'll
get the shears and trim it off"
"Never! Keep right away from me
Mrs. Bowser, your plot has been discov-
eredw
"Don't be so foolish, Mr.. Bowser. told
you you couldn't shave yourself"
ut is all as plain as day now," he con-
tinued, as he upset the lather cup and
walked through its contents, "you prob
ably figured that I'd cut my throat. You
were sitting at the head of the stairs to
catch my death rattle"
"Did tell you to bring home that razorf
Didn't / try to discourage you from shaw
ipg?"
He turned from me without reply and
went down stairs. He came down after
about half an hour. He had been obliged
to sacrifice third of his moustacbe to get
it in shape again, ana the lather which had
gotten into his eyes gave him the appear
ance of having wept for a week.
"It's too bad" said, breaking a long
ard embarrassing silence.
"Oh, it is, is it ?" he sneered in reply.
TOO bad that l am not lying headless
corpse up stairs and you figuring on my
life insurance.
well, it's no use to talk to you, Mr..
Bowsern
Not bit, Mrs Bowser. You had
plan; check mated it. You stand revealed
IN your true light as would be Borgia or
VI orse. This is the last straw. Mrs Bowser
the very last. In the morning will talk
busir ess
But when morning came he didn't have
3 word to say. l found his shaving outfit
in the side yard, where he had thrown it
from the window, and the girl is now using
the razor to peel potatoes.
ssIn the Swim," as 'rwere.