The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1889-04-20
HUMOROUS BRENTWOOD.

HUMOROUS DRIFTW00D.
It's wise bluebiYd that doesn't make
too early spring call.
The telegraph operator can get his
tick in anywhere for nothing.
The only time when gun isn't load
ed is right after the accident.
A great many girls say 'sno" at first
but like the photographer, they know
how to retouch their negatives.
eff man is complete wreck after an
accident, how can he be said to recover
..F'rom the railroad company, you
IDIOT" was the answer.
Wife: "What happy looking couple
those two are. wonder how long
THEY'VE been mamied?' Husband: ooh,
guess they are only engaged"
An examination in schools: Professor
10 pupii-ln which Of his battles was
5ustavus Adolphns killed?
Pupil, after rchection-l think 1t was
in his last battle.
Down in the cellar dark and remote,
Where alien cats your larder note
In solemn grandeur stands the goat.
Without he hears the whining storm,
And feels the draughts about him swarm
He eds the coal to keep him warm.
In q Bowery restaurant:
Ycciferous Waiter--Two pies an pud-
dn'-two eOffees!
AfripLted Teutonic Patron--P'lson
for two. poodt in two collins! Mein Colt!
7 g. rs me oudt!
Omaha Man, Flow is the weather
along the border now?'
Canadian Pacific Otficial-"Wlnter Is
breaking up"
'.No doubt OF it. eh?'
"None at NIL The avalanches have
begnn knocking trains off The track.
..Man wants but little here below
The man who wrote that lied;
The average man wants everything
And thens not satisfied
IcannOt sing the o]G songs,
AS have been requested:
When last l. tried to MARBLE them
The mayer bad me arrested.
A subscriber TO an Eastern journal III
nuires: How long does und1sputetl
r,csseseion of an umbrella confer right
full title to its ovnerehlr?' Undlsputed-
possession may ruu on indefinitely
Disputed possession 1s where all the
trouble comes in.
When the laie Professor Proctor was
an English school examiner. ne one DAY
asked g. little girl to tell him the differ |
anca between q man anil brute. She |
said:
ga brute is an imperfect beast. Man
is perfect beast"
Mrs. Snapp CATER the usual breakfast
table squabble, earcastically)--l sup
pose You would be sorry If I died.
MI, Snapp-You hat l. would. LIN
hard up and funerals ere expensive
nowadays.
The battle begins again.
81 am going to buy light coat to
match these pantaloons. " he remarked
to his wife the esother day, "and a light
pair of gloves to match the coat, and
light soft hat to match --'' s'Yor1r head;
] suppose interrupted the spouse,
gently ,s--and the household knew no
harmony that day.
..Do tell me monsieur, what this de-
lic.ous dish u.s." said pretty Mrs. II. the
star boarder.M ''zat, madame, zat is
grand. triumph of ze art. Only re
Frenchman can mex re delicious deesi1
Eat is ze---vat you call ze owel---ze pet
DWELL ''Owel !" exclaimed q chorus Of
voices, and.a dozen.wry faceswere made.
go monsieur, how.could you have the
heart to kilt thief poor thipg?" chirped
the star boarder. "It ees you Eat mex
80 cruel accusations, madame; no keel
him--he de-
An Alabama man charge with stealing
calf made the following statement IL
was alwaysNt eachedl to be honest, an
most always havet been; but when I seed
that calf caved. l never wanted
calf SO bad in ,allImykllfe; an you all
know that when s. man..wants calf he
wants him.". The Jury. returned the
following verdict: "We, this jury. air
satisfied that steve stold the calf, but,
as the Teller that owned the animal is
considerable OF al SLOUGH, we agree to
clear Steve n'..1nake the slouch pay the
COSTS"
,>,.t,orN. kN1S1 tho old |