The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1889-04-10
MARK TWAIN I'M ms RLRMRNT.
Characteristic speech at tho BASE Ball
I~lannuat In Nnyg Y,,Flr.

AT the banquet in New York Monday
evening, rendered TO the All-Amerlcan
and Chicago clubs, on their return from
the trip around the world, Mark Twain,
tho famous humorist, spoke as follows:
Though not q native, as intimated by
the chairman, l have visited, a great
many years ago, the Sandwich Islands
that peaceful land, that beautiful land,
that far.of home OF profound repose and
soft idolenCe and dreamy solitude, where
life is one long, slumberless Sabbath, the
climate one long, delicious summer day,
and the good that die experience no
change, for they but fall asleep In one
heaven and wake up in another. And
these boys have played base ball there!
Base ball, which Is the very symbol OF
the outward and visible expression OF
the drive and push and rush and strug.
gle Of the raging, tearing, booming nine
tenth century, One cannot realize 1t.
The place and the TACT are 80 %inCongru-
GUS it's like interrupting a funeral with
u circus. Why, there is no legitimate
point OF contact, no possible kinship
between base ball and the Sandwich Is
lands; base ball is all fact, the islands all
sentiment. In base ball you've got
to do everything Just right or YOU don't
get there; In the islands you've got to
do everything just wrong OF you can't
stay there. You do 1t wrong to got II
right, for II you do It right you get 1t
wrong; there is not any way to Set 1t
right but to do 1t wrong, and the wrong.
or you do 1t the Fighter 1t Is. Tho ma
tives illustrate this every day. They
never mount a horse from the laboard
side; they always mount him from the
starboard; on the other hand, they never
milk q COW on the starboard side, they
always milk her ON the larboard it's why
you sec 80 many short people there-I
they have got their heads kicked off.
When they meet on tho road they don't
turn to the right, they turn out to the
left. And 80, from always doing every.
thing wrong end first that way, II makes
them Observation-Disclosures and cross
eyed they are all so. When a child is
born the mother goes right along with
her ordinary work, without losing half q
day-its the father that knocks of and
goes TO be till he gets over the Circum.
stance. And those natives don't truce
descent through the male line, but
through the female. They say they ul-
ways know who a child's mother was.
AN ODD but GOOD SYSTEM.
VOL, that odd system is well enough
there, because there q woman often has
as many as six or seven husbands, all ut
the same time, and all probably married
TO her. Yet there Is no %fussing, no
trouble. Whom n child is born the hus.
bands all meet together in convention,
in a perfectly orderly way, and elect the
father. And the whole thing is perfect
ly fair. OF course you can't keep poll
tics out-you couldn't do that In any
country; and so II three OF the husbands
are Republicans and four are Democrats
1t doesn't make any difference how
strong q Republican aspect the baby has
got, that election Is going Democratic
every time, and in the matter OF that
election those poor people stand at the
proud altitude OF the very highest Chris.
tian civilization, for they know as well
rs We that all women are Ignorant, and
so they don't allow that mother TO vote.
The native language is soft and liquid
and flexible, and In every way efficient
and satisiaCtory-till you get mad; then
there you arc; there Is not anything in
IL to swear with. Good judges say It is
the best Sunday language there Is, but
then, oil the other six days in the week,
II lust hangs idle on your hands; 1t isn't
any good for business, and you can't
work a telephone with 1t. Many q time
the attention Of the missionaries has
been called to this defect, and they are
always promising they are going to fix
II; but no, they go fooling along, aud
nothing Is done. Speaking of educa-
ton, everybody there Is educated, from
the highes' TO the lowest; in fact, 1t Is
the only country In tho world where cd.
ucation Is universal. And yet every now
and then you run across instances OF ig.
noranCe that are simply sevolting, simply
degrading TO the human race. Think OF
it-there the ten takes the ace. But let
us not dwell on such things, they make
a person ashamed. Well, the mission
aries are always going TO fix that, but
they put II of and put 1t off and put II
OF, and so that nation is going 10 keep
on going down and down, till some day
you willsee a pair ofjaCks beat a straight
flush. Well, II Is refreshment to the
faded, water to the thirsty, to look upon
men who have so lately breathed the
soitair OF these isles OF the blest, and had
before their eyes the inextinguishable
vision Of their beauty.