Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1889-10-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

The man who never takes exercise is
often called upon to mourn an athletic
| friend who took too much.-JdnleSt0lCn
Journal.
He (rejected)-.'Well. you NAV go
| further and fare worse" She-"1eS
can't be done around here. "-Murasey's
Wehkly.
There is talk of changing the name
of the state of Kentucky to Sparta.
| Spartans were never known to ''take
water. Light.
If we need a national flower why
not take the pansy? 1t indicates the
origin of the species-the chimpanzee.
Teas SJtiaags.
A man may be very great and very
| good, and then not attract half the at
tention that captured horsethief does.
-NiLUaukee Journal.
A man may consider himself much
better than his neighbor, but he cam
not prove it to that neighbours salts
faction Troy Press.
81 live mostly within myself" said
conceited fellow. Il understand" re-
piled his neighbor at the table, ''you
occupy a fiat. "-Tegas Sitings.
Paddv-"Mike, do yez behave in
home ruler" Mike-"Oi do but the
old woman is the only one that knows
what it names. Enterprise.
Mrs. Smallers They do say that
Midshipman Blinkers is a very fast
young man." Capt. Beaugard-''Ye
he belongs to the fleet. "-Kear1aey En-
terprGSe.
Heoffer-What are you engaged in
nowP" Pfeffer-"rm in Omaha man.
ufacturing Indian relics to sell at
church fairs for the benefit of the
heathens. Omaha World.
This is somewhat of a Irvine
trust" said the young man as his best
girl wound her arms about his neck
to whisper sweet nothings in his large
left ear.-Kearney Enterprise.
The Maharajah of Cawnpore esti-
mates his fortune at eight thousand
laos or rupees. Our fortune, too, is
timated by even a greater lack of
rupees than the Maharajah slight.
First baseballist-"D you propose
to Miss Diamond last night, Bat
tersby?" Second baseballist-"I did,
Pitcher, nv boy. F. B. -"ScoreP"
S. BY hitewashed. "-BoSton Cour-
Ter.
Youngwed-"Tveb been married only
month, but tell you my wife is an
angel,and my home is a heaven" Old
time~-"O yes, they are apt to be until
you clean house or move. = Omaha
World.
He-"How beautiful and poetic are
some of the old Indian words! Min
nehaha, for instance, or Alabama"
She-.'Yes. and Kissimee." Which he
did if he was any good.-LaaOrence
american.
St. Peter-.Halt!" New spirit
Cant I come in?' ST. Peter-ssPd
rather you wouldn't. You are just
out of college, and we don't want any
advice about running the universe. y
Nea0 York Weekly.
In the words of the lamented Mr..
Macbeth the hungry tramp exclaims:
"And BANKED be he who first cries,
Hold, enoughr" The tramp never
knows what it is to hold enough
Philadelphia Press.
''Mr. Dash may be fine player, but
do not intend to ask him to my lawn
tennis parties "Why, what is there
against him?" 80, he pays too much
attention to the game and too little to
the girls. Time.
Tommy-"Paw, what is philan-
thropist?" Mr.. Figg "A philan-
thropist, my son, is man who would
rather supply dozen men with col
lar apiece than give one man shirt. ;"
-Terre Haute E1press.
Mr.. n. Peck-''I think if anyone is
entitled to a pension it's me-" Mr..
Nudge = You were never in the
war, were youp" Mr.. N. Peck-"No.
but the fellow my wife was engaged
to got killed at Shiloh. "-Ierre Haute
Express.
Wagg, to his sister-''The young
man with whom you came home last
night was a thoroughly disreputable
fellow" Sster-''So [ inferred. He
said, poor fellow, that he had been in
innate with you for many years. y
PhiLadeiphia Inquirer.
1--WE been injured by statement in
your paper" I'm sorry, sir. What
did l say?" 'You stated that | had
compromised with my creditors for 20
cents on the dollar" "Well?" ''Well.I
haven't done anything of the kind; it
was 40 cents. "-Epoch.
eve are all worms" exclaimed the
preacher in his sermon. Little Bob
by, who was following the discourse
attentively, whispered to his mother
"Then that's the reason why the great
big fish swallowed Jonah, isn't it?"-
Portland (Me.) Press.
Miss Crimple (to clerk of Snake
Greek house, you please send
the porter to our room, Mr.. Bigstud?"
Clerk-''Yes, ma'am; anything wrongP"
Miss Crimple-''Papa just shot mos
quito, and we would like Patrick to
carry it out" -Munsey's Weekly.
Visiting statesman-"I tell you men
of Kentucky, here and now. the race
question is the American problem"
His audience Gas one man) fright
you are Colonel, and the way to solve
it is trot out something that can beat
Ten Broeck's time. "-Drake's Maya
zt7ae.
Judge-'.Did you ever notice any
signs of insanity in the deceased"
Witness Ga member of the legislature)
-"Well once, when he was a member
of the legislature, he introduced bill
that wasn't a particle of interest to
anybody = except taxpayers. "-NeaO
York Weekly.
Minister (to Johnny. who is digging
worms for baiO-.'J Johnny, don't you
know that it is wrong for you to do