Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1889-02-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

went to the poor-house because of a
, lac OF rupees.-NesO York Sum.
"Poor Simpson! A year ago he was
one of thirteen who sat down at din
ner. what. is he dead?" mo; mar
ried last night"-Denrer Republicans.
"Where's me beer?' cried the TRACE
dian, stalking behind the scenes, "I
don't know. sir" cried the small boy,
..but I think it's in the Supe."-Neso
York Sun.
They are forming hog trust in some
of the Western cities. There has been
general impression that nearly all of
the trusts are of that kind.-Pailadel-
phiG CdH.
The man who is so blue that he saws
he wants to die is the first to get stuck
In the jam at the door when somebody
in the crowded hall shouts ..fire.p.
Journal Of Edmcation.
The poets continue to rave about the
purity and all that sort of thing of
marble. in spite of the fact that tomb
stones are the awfulest liars on earth.
-Ierre Hante Express.
Some temporary scientist claims To
have discovered that music aids vege-
table growth. Is that the reason
man can always raise Cain with
hute?-Minneapoh Tribune.
Wife-''This light is very poor. The
gas seems to be lower with every
week" Husband-..So it does; but
the bill is all right. 1t gets higher
every time."-The Quaker.
Jarvis-'.How true the proverb is
that man is what his wife makes
him." Jervis-'.And how true it is.
too, that man does what his wife
makes him.-Ierre Hautc Erpress. .
Miss Dash-O, by the way. Mrs.
Highmind, have you heard the latest
slang expressions? Mrs. Highmind-
I suppose SO, dear. You have been
here almost an Philadelphia
Record.
To that old question as to whether
or not marriage is failure it may be
said in general way that it depends
largely upon the number and value of
the wedding Baltimore
american.
She TREMENDOUSLY George, papa
threatens to turn off the gas if you
stay after 10 tonight He delighted
ly)-Let him, let him! That's Just
what ] want. He can't say 1 did it
Boston Courier.
Mrs. Popinjay never uses slang, but
she came near it the other day when she
caught her lazy chambermaid sitting
at ease in the parlor and exclaimed:
Now you get up and dust!EBssrting-
ton Free Press.
Sunday school teacher-'.Why were
only Noah and his family saved in the
ark?" Small bov-'"Cause Noah was
good and didn't ask nothln'. The rest
wanted the earth, an they got it,
NeO York Weekly.
1t is easy enough for fellow to tell
a gentleman from waiter at ball
just ask him for an ice. If he is "A
waiter he will bring it. If he isn't
he will merely freeze you with a look.
-Terre Haute Ezpress.
Wife-Shall I put your diamond
studs in your shirt, dear? Husband
What on earth are you thinking of?
Do you want to ruin me? / have q
meeting with my creditors this morn
ing.-JeDeiers' Weekly.
Mrs. Scroggs-s.Isn't this strange.
A noted physician says he never vet
saw dying man who showed the least
fear of DEATH" Mr.. Scroggs-"Um-
does he say whether they are married
or single? Philadelphia Record
Cant a woman kiss her dog if she
wants to-" writes a fair subscriber.
Well, yes. she can now, but she
couldn't while Henry Bergh was alive.
Ah. the poor dogs will never know
what friend they lost when Henry
Fashionable daughter-..Mamm do
you really think it is wrong for me to
f1irt in mild sort of way?" Fash
Ionabie mother (terriied) -'.Clara, i
am surprised at you. The idea of an
unmarried person firtingr Philadei-
phia Record.
"Ah!' exclaimed the matter of fact
man JOvfully, as he saw the heading in
the newspaper, trials of Authors
$50 they've arrested some of those
confounded poets at last, have they?
Wouldn't like to be on the jury?''-
HaTper'S Bazar.
The church on the little Island of
Atufa, in the South Seas. includes all
the adults on the island. The church
should send missionaries To some of
our American cities, where they would
find Atufa set than they have at home.
Boston Transcript.
81 don't see why you can't get rich.
You sell handspring for $E50 that
only costs you 10 cents" THAT NAV
be true, sir, but we have to keep three
clerks to wait on the lady shoppers,
and we must get our money back in
some way. y.n-Je,celers' Weekly
Good minister-The fervor with
which you joined in the hymn 81 want
to be an angel" delighted me. Little
Dick-Yes sir; the teacher told me
there wasn't any preachin' an prayin'
an catechism lessons in Heaven
Record.
The reason why the Dying Gladiator
is so much admired, Ethelred. is--be-
cause he keeps his mouth shut He is
different from our modern gladiators.
who 60 all over the country biowin"