davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
The Undertaker's Joke.

All undertaker's are not morose and
gloomy, as the professional cast of
their countenances might indicate.
There are many wags and jokers
among the funeral directors in this
vicinity, and one in particular, who is
the most misanthropic looking of them
all, is one OF the most sociable and jol-
liest fellows that visit Olneyville.
Rarely does he leave without practi-
cal joke on some one.
His latest is one that started rumor
OF sudden death. He entered store
III the business centre, where he is a
frequent caller, leaving his sombre-
looking business wagon in front of the
place, and hanging "a large loop of
Grape deity TO the door knob behind
him. He stayed quite while. and,
the proprietor being busy, did not
notice that the door was closed. With
the Grape ON the closed door no one
tried to enter. More than half an
hour passed without sign of trade,
and the storekeeper, in his converse
ton, dwelt on the dizziness of trade.
Small boys began to gather and look
in the windows, and this attracted the
attention of u neighbor, who came to
inquire with evident anxiety about the
facts OF the death indicated by the
sign of mourning on the door. The
joke got out, and the cigars and soda
are dispensed free TO those who are in
the Observation-Disclosures Journal.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Western Wisdom.

The way to get rich with rush is to
go slow.
Your friends punish you more than
your enemies.
Many man knows dollar by sight
who does not know its value.
When you look at some people the
first thing you think of is club.
Don't try 10 drown your troubles in
the cup; troubles are great swimmers.
The first time man is called Badly
the thought of fight comes into his
head.
1t is so easy for mean man to say
that the people dislike him because of
envy.
1t is safe to say that no girl ever
went TO party without wearing some-
thing that was borrowed.
There is a coarse streak in every
man that lives; it is bound to crop out
if you know him too well.
The two ugliest things on earth are
the man who looks like girl and the
girl who looks like man.
The woman who takes three hours
to dress for party may be vain, but
she will never wear short hair or try
to act like man.
Every man knows how mean he is
himself, but he is not absolutely sure
about his neighbors; hence his fond
ness for gossip.
When a young man starts out to get
a drink and passes an old drunkard on
the way we wonder that he doesn't
think OF him.
When woman pays another wo-
man a compliment she speaks OF her
as having been good-looking once, and
then adds, "But, my, how she has
changed"
II you want to get along smoothly
accept the shams Of the world. If you
commence fight ON them the shams
will wear you out and live long after
you are dead.
A slouchy woman who can not make
the best.use of her clothes is apt to
say that the woman who dresses well on
a similar allowance did not come by
her clothes honestly. -Atchison Globe.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
BROUGHT TO TERMS.
A story That Proves that a Dog
Can Reason and Remember.


Can Reason and Remember.
Mrs. T. Picton had a Skye terrier
which manifested a strong aversion tc
being washed, says the Youths Com
panion. In time this aversion In.
creased TO such a degree that the SER
wants refused to perform their ablu.
TONS being afraid to do so on account
Of the ferocity evinced by the dog on
such occasions. Mrs. Picton herself
was unwilling to undertake the Office,
for though the animal was passionate
ly attached to his mistress such was
his horror OF the bath that even she
was not safe. Threats, beating, and
starving were of no avail. He was de-
termincd; he would not take bath.
At last l hit upon a new device.
Without curtailing his liberty in any
way gave him TO understand, by TAX
ing no notice OF him, that he had
offended me. He was usually the COM
panion of my walks, but now / refused
to let him accompany me. On return
ing home ] took no notice of his de-
.monstrative welcome and il he came
looking up at me for caresses when |
was engaged either in reading Or nee
dlework deliberately turned my head
aside. This state of things continued
for a week or ten days and the poor
animal looked wretched and forlorn.
There was evidently a conflict going on
within him which told visibly on his
outward appearance.
Then one morning he crept quiet
ly up to me, and gave me look which
said as plainly as words could have
done. Il can stand it no longer; | sub
nit" And submit he did, quietly and
patiently, to one Of the toughest ablu-
lions it had even been his lot to expe-
rience. After the washing was over,
he bounded to me with a joyous bark
and wag of his tail, saying, unmistalza-
bly,, Il know all is right now.n He
took, as of right, his place by my side
when vent out TO walk, and retained
from that time his usual joyous demean-
Or.
When the time for the next bath
came round, the old spirit of obstinacy
revived, but single look at my avert
ed countenance was sufficient for him,
and he again submitted without MUIR
muir. Why should we hesitate to
ascribe reasoning faculty to an ami
NAL in which a struggle between OPP
posing desires could thus be carried on
for days together?
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
dark & Anderson,s Luck.

Omaha (Neb) Bee, August lS
There is luck in odd numbersf'' said
Rory O'Moore, and Rory might have
added that occasionally an even number
strikes it rich. Clark & Anderson, propri.
etors OF the Monitor restaurant, GA
South Thirteenth street, think so at least;
Tor they held one-fourth OF a ticket, No.
is, ! S. in the July drawing OF the Louis.
lana State lottery, and when the wheel
stopped it was found that Is, 166 had
drawn $4,000, hence their share was
$12 500.
1T happened in this way" said Mr.. An
derson to a reporter, CLARK and | were
not very we'll fixed and l remarked one
evening let us invest So in the Louisiana
State Lottery. | was in favor OF buying
five twenteths, but he said: No, let us buy
u fourth, and five win we will get some
thing So We purchased. looked anx-
iously for the list and when it came and
found that it had won ! was actually par.
alyzed. We collected the money through
the Pacific express. and it came to hand Ms
promptly as if it had been one OF Jay
Gouid's checks we were getting cashed
No, we arc not going to Europcj we will
stay right here, put little more money in
our business and see ii we can not increase
our gains. AS matter OF fact the cash
will help US out anna zingly.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
His Hat Was Preserved.

Professor A. usually took his cup OF
afternoon coffee at the Golden Crown
inn. There, in the company of a few
congenial spirits, he INDUCED in a
game of skat, q popular game oil
cards. One afternoon, having been
overtaken by a heavy shower, the
game was prolonged somewhat beyond
its usual length. On rising to take his
hat, the profe ssor discovered that il
had been exchanged, much to his ad-
vantage. In place OF the shabby and
we'll head gear he usually wore,
he found an irreproachable Partisan
silk hat of the finest make.
Delighted with his new acquisition,
the professor escaped unobserved, and
fastened home to inform his better
half of his good fortune. This, how
ever, was of but short duration, for
the next time he found himself at the
inn he was approached by a young
man, who, bowling and smiling, ae-
costed him thus: MY dear professor,
allow me to claim my hat and at the
same time explain to you my apparent
error in taking yours. You were
more fortunate than I, in the possess
sion of an umbrella, and knowing
that the storm would completely ruin
my hat, borrowed yours for the occa-
sion"
Having finished his speech the
young man departed, leaving the pro-
fessor to examine his hat, which the
shower had by no means improved,
and to ruminate on the wickedness of
humanity.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
He Had Nc More to Say.

A book agent occasionally slips by
the vigilant Waterman and beguiles
the government clerk into buying
thin s he doesn't want. One struck in
on the postoffice department the other
day, at lunch time, says the Washing
ton Post. He cornered a peaceful-look-
ing clerk, produced q roll, shot out a
sample binding, and began to talk.
Observation-Disclosures edi-
tionofDickens inthemarketatanypricein
morocco bindings at the small sum of so
rents once a weekand hereare50cents to
paytheagent whenhe bringsyourfirstvol-
ume."
He showed his hand into his peck ct
pad brought out half-dollar and slip
ped it on the desk as he ratified along.
''Itis theonly chanceyou willeverhave
tosecuresuchanelegantsetofDick-"
The clerk raised his hand depreciat-
ingly. Il have been a book-peddler
myself"
Without another word the agent
picked up his money and walked clear
out OF the building.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30

and try to pull it down; his eyes rolled
so that nothing but the whites could be
seen, his lips turned up. showing mis-
teeth, his mouth filled with foam and
blood, and, as have said before, every
hair on his body and name bristled
with anger. tell you he was an ami
NAL not to be handled and to be avoid
ed with care. He was not disposed to
let me down in hurry, but kept watch
Of every movement / made. / could
see my gun standing up ia the snow
and my snowshees were all right be-
low, but did not dare to make start
for them. When the moose got tired
of his useless tantrums he would lie
down or stand quietly right under me.
and when rested get up and try the
same motions.
How long he kept me up tree |
could not tell-it seemed long time
to me-when / noticed the. moose in
one of his quiet moods cock his ears
forward as il listening, and thought |
heard the sound of distant ''hollo'' or
the barking of dog. i raised myself
up from my tiresome perch, and
answered back with all my breath and
vim, and my call was answered beck,
and soon l heard the welcome baying
of my old hunting dog, "Pointer," who
had struck the moose trail, and was
really coming up. As soon as the
moose heard tine blying of the dog he
began to be uneasy, and started off
away from the sound. and before |
could get down from the tree he was
out of sight.
1t did not take me long to get Oh my
snowshoes and recover my gun, drop
in a big load of powder and ram down
ball, md take after the moose.
knew he would not go far
after the dog came up, but | was
anxious to get shot at him before
he came up, so ! put my best foot for
ward, and | soon got sight of him,
the snow being so deep and heavy he
could not go fast. The dog FOLLOWED
the trail around the tree, and so gave
me time to come up TO the moose.
did not want to shoot at his body, and
followed behind within gunshot for
him to turn his head or give me a
chance at his neck, and as he turned out
of his direct course to avoid wind
fall he turned his head and gave me
the shot wanted, right behind his ear
The moose was mine. The dog came
rnnning past me just as fired, and be
fore my neighbors came up had the
moose bled and the ''muff1e" cut off.
"Mufie," what's that? The hunters
prize, as the tongue OF the buffalo is
the soft part Of the nose and lips,
which, when properly cleaned, boiled
and cooked, is as white as snow, and
is better than calves foot jelly.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Dainties of tho savage.

The lion is eaten by some African
races and the hippopotamus by others.
The Zuluf find carrion so much to their
liking that, according to the late Bishop
Coleilso, they apply to food peopled Ivy
large colonies of larvae the expressive
word "nborni," signifying in their I'M
conlll jargon "great happiness. Da-
vid Livingstone, that keen and accurate
observer, reminds lis that the aboriginal
IAnsIralans and Hottentots prefer the
intestines OF animals. sit is curious, y
ho says, "that this is tho part which
animals always begin with, and it is the
first choice Of orr men," On this point
/ may remind tho civilized reader That
the woodcock and the red mullet or sea
woodcock are both eaten and relished
without undergoing the cleansing pro-
cesses which most animals used for food
among us generally experience to fit
them for the table, so that our aversion
TO the entrails of animals is not ALSO
lutte, but only one of degree. -Cornhill
Magazine.
! A dog that has been taught to walk
backward is owned by Bellairc, Pa,
man.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
The Land Of way Off"

Was there ever boy who didn't
imagine at some time that he wasn't
used well at home, and gloomily re-
volve plans for escaping from his
thraldom? He would go sway off
and never see those cruel parents and
teasing brothers and sisters any more.
Happily for him the boy does not gen.
orally make the contemplated fight,
though there be exceptions. 10 go
way off sometimes means to run away
and go to sea; to seek foreign lands in
search of strange adventure. But since
the introduction OF iron steamships
there isn't SO much romance about the
sea and sailor life as there used to be.
The times so thrillingly described by
Capt. Marryat and Ned Buntline are
passed away. Where can the boy who
longs to Ego way Off turn his thoughts
to now?
We learned from a small boy with
whom we conversed the other day,
that the land of SWAY Or is in the
boundless west, where Lad has a
choice between becoming a cowboy or
a stage robber, with odds in favor OF
the latter. During lull in business
he could prospect for gold mines or
accept an engagement as mountain
evangelist among the Indians, killing
and scalping those whom he failed to
convert firing OF this he might
write play of which he was the hero,
get together company of Indians and
gradually develop into another Buffalo
Bill.
Happy youth that can live and revel
in the land of SWAY On" whether it
be reached by stormy seas or through
border perils. Dream of it while you
can, with dried tears on flushed cheeks,
wrung by home wrongs, real or imagi-
nary, for tho time will come all too
soon when you will realize that there
Is no retreat In this world from lifc's
actual tslals. There Is no land o! Way
on such rs you imagine. -S!ftings,
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Colonist Sleepers.

The Union Pacific Ry., also known al
the Overland Route, has lately added tc
its service number OF new cars-whicl
by the way are built by the world famous
Pullman company = entitled Colonist
sleepers, and which for convenience and
comfoIta are but little behind the handsome
Pullman Palace cars. The cars are de-
signed for the use and comfort OF the colo
mist, who with his family intend moving
west to grow up with the country.
The only difference between these cars
and the regular first-class Pullman ia
that the Colonist sleeper is not uphol
stored. There are fourteen sections in
each car, and separate toilet rooms for la.
dies and gentlemen. At night, by means Of
sliding head boards and heavy damask
curtains, as much privacy is occurred as il
in the regular first-class sleeper. Plenty Of
fresh, clean towels and good supply oil
water are also to be found. A uniformed
porter accompanies each car to look after
the comfort and attend to the wants oil
the passengers, and no smoking is allowed.
1t certainly seems that for cheap and com.
modious sleeping accommodations, while
travelling, these cars cannot be excelled.
A pure white tarantula was caught In
Los Vegas, A. r., recently.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
abau, n,,hins:

Clothing possesses no warmth in its.
self, but as it Is more or less poor con.
ductor of heat, it prevents tile escape of
bodily warmth. Wooden fabrics. con-
tain a large quantity of air enrangled in
their meshes, which, being poor con
ductor of heat, adds considerably to the
warmth of clothing made from them.
In hot weather we wear light cotton OF
linen clothing, so as to allow rs much OF
the bodily heat to escape as possible.
There is prejudice in favor of light
colored clothing for summer wear, but
it is hardly based ON scientific grounds.
Dark cloth is the best radiator, allowing
the bodily heat to escape readily, while
white clothing absorbs less of the heat
radiated directly from the sun. There
fore, to dress scientifically in summer;
one should wear dark clothing i'll the
shade aud light clothing when exposed
10 the suns rays, Practically. the mat
ter of appearance is the only one to be
considered, rs the warmth or GOODNESS
of clothing is not appreciably affected
by its color.-Popular Science News.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Treat Them Like Gentiemen.

Tt is the wisest thing in the world fol
q woman travelling alone 10 regard all
the men she meets as gentlemen, and tr
display the presence of that conviction
in her mind directly she is approached
by them in any why. A cad will usually
he ct great pains to avoid disturbing
the illusion when he finds himself taken
for gentleman. A gentleman would
break his neck rather than peril yonl
evident good opinion of him. Men
have beautiful regard for womankind
i'll the abstract. They may be quite
capable of abusing the particular woman
dependent upon them, but they all OF
them are just full mp of courtesy and
kindness for the women they meet Oh
the streets, in cars and lepots. Also
they are likely 10 treat with every con.
sideration the damsels whom chance oil
travel throws upon them for protection.
Ladies' Home Journal.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30

Via Missouri, Kansas g. Texas Rail-
way, and Parsons Pullman Buffet
Sleeping Cars Daily Between Kansas
City and tho Principal Cities Of
Texas.
The Missouri, Kansas & Texas railway
via the Kansas City g. Pacific division and
Parsons, is absolutely the short line to
Texas and Mexico. Evening train from
Kansas City has Pullman Palace Buffet
Sleeping Cas- to Parsons, Denison. Fort
Worth. Waco, Taylor, Austin and San
Antonio without change. Connects at
Parsons with Pullman Buffett Sleeping
Car for Sherman, Dallas Corsicana,
Houston and Galveston; connects at Fort
Worth with sleeper for Pacific coast
points, and at San Antonio with sleeping
car for points in the Republic
OF Mexico. Morning train from Kansas
City runs solid to Parsons and Coffeyviile,
connects at Parsons with solid train car
rying Buffet Sleeper forD enison, TT. Worth,
Waco Tayorand Austin; also carrying
Pullman Bnifett Sleeper for Sherman, DIAL.
las, Corsicana and Galveston via Denison,
See that your tickets read via Parsons and
the Missouri Kansas & Texas railway
For tickets and further Information apply
nearest ticket agent or correspond with
J. l.. Daugherty, Travelling Passenger
Agent. 400 Court street, Des Moines. la.
Face all thing,!s Even adversely IL po-
lite tew mans face.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Two Opinions.

Old Mr.. Funds: 81 can't see, Harry,
why you find it necessary to draw your
salary in advance this way. I'm sure
the other young men in the Office are
saving up money out OF theirs" Harry:
you're all wrong there. uncle. |
never knew a single one OF them TO
have moro than 10 cents in his pocket
when | happened to want to borrow a
dollar. Puck.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
AnRstiiesia fn Surgery.

DR.. Benjamin w. Richardson, who q
little more than twenty years ago intro
lduced ether spray rs means OF produce
ing local an@sthesia, now makes novel
Suggestion. viz, 10 use n jet of highly
compressed air rs II cautery. He points
ont its advantages over the cautery,
heated wire or knife, in that it is less
alarming, and for the moment painless,
us cold is On anesthetic. He mentions
chlorine rs suitable gas for the pur-
pose, but prefers carbonic anhydride as
most manageable, cheap, almost inodor-
ous, not unwholesome, and not infam-
mable, so that it can be used with artiii-
eial LIGHT. York Telegram.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
How to vn.h Flannel, shirts,

Yes, we have had a good deal OF cont
plants from customers about the shrink
ing of their shirts. All materials will
shrink some; We generally allow half an
inch for flannel, and if it is properly
washed there Is no reason why it should
SHRINK perceptible after that. The
proper way is TO souse the garment i'll
hot soapwater, never rubbingi it, and put
it repeatedly through wringer. Tie
garment should never be wrung with
the hands and never put in cold water.
A Clothier in The Argus.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
ousht to be Hauuy.

Boston Herald: There is no doubt
OF it! Tho less we think of ourselves
the healthier and happier we arc."
AIRS Gadding. should enjoy excellent
health. then. She Is all tho iimo
thinking about her neighnorsl''
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
MESSRs. ILEis & co.

Proprietors OF the Willow Springs Distill-
ing Co., give an interesting account OF the
character OF spirits and alcohol. as to their
relative value in articles OF food and drink,
claiming that only the pure spirits, which
are made absolutely neutral should be
used for drinking and medicinal purposes,
while the use OF crude alcohol, although
rectified and deodorized should be limited
to mechanical purposes. Their celebrated
East India Bitters are distilled strictly
with the finest spirits from choice selec-
tion OF herbs and roots. AS tonic they
are far superior to the average patent
medicine, made mostly from alcohol and
imitation extracts, while rs beverage,
they contain none OF the fusil oil, so fire.
quent in liquors.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
A Her hepar,nrs

from the ordinary business methods is
made by the manufactures OF DR.. Pierce's
Golden Medical Discovery, in guaranteeing
this world;famed remedy to cure ell dis
eases arising from the arrangement Of the
liver or stomach, as indigestion, OF dys.
pepsia, billiousness or ''liver complaint,
or from impure blood, as boils. blotches,
pimples, eruptions, scalp disease, salt
rheum seroiulous sores and swellings and
kindred ailments. Money paid for "Dis.
covery" promptly returned il, on fair trial,
il don't cure.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Which side.

Publisher: ..Mr. Deliver, have you
gone over those statistics about the
use of bicycles among the masses?'
Deliver: YES, SIR" "And you have
analysed them carefully, so that you
can give an intelligent opinion as to
their effect on the public healthp"
Yes, sir.'' well. then. you may
write it out We want it as soon as
possible" ..Yes. sir, bat you haven't
tod me which side | am to prove -
whether they are healthful or the re-
verse. Boston Transcript.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30
Do You Remember!

Do You Remember!
Do you remember
The red September,
When like an ember
From sunset skies
The orchard oldeu
Looked rosy golden
Through silvern mist, thin disguise
And l beheld the earth's gay beauty,
Its autumn splendor, full and fruity,
Reflected in your hazel eyes:
Do you remember
The white December.
The dim lit chamber,
The hearth's dull beams;
At which found you,
With perfume round you,
Low singing to the fires faint CLEANS!
Twas then that first l kissed your tresses,
And you confessed amid caresses-
1t was the Christmas of your dreams.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1889-11-30

Those who use Dobbins Electric Soap
each week, land their name is legion) save
their clothes and strength, and let the
soap do the work. Did you every try it?
If not, do so next Monday sure. Ask your
grocer for it.