davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Harlem Real Estate Agent: II hope you
will take this store. You'll find this good
neighborhood for an undertaken.
Undertaken: ''I'm afraid to risk it,"
Its a very sickly neighborhood, SIR"
''Indeed!''
Sand a great many doctors about"
That's good. Still Pm afraid"
"And no end to the boarding houses"
''Sir. I'll take the roo,n.''
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

First Crook: 'I'm fixed for life now. Ye
know about a year ago thought would re-
form, so got job as janitor of a big book
publishing house. Well, while there got
acquainted with all the literary people,"
second Crook: ''What good does that do
ye?"
F. c.: ''Why, most of these women that
writes passion novels is real ladies and they
writes under assumed names, and now I'm
goin' around and blackmailin' EN-
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Little Jimmy visits his fathers Office and
after examining the typewriting machine,
observes to his mother: ''Say, mariner,
what do they take those to the theatre for!"
'rMy boy" replies his mother, ''they do Lot
take them to the theatre" ''Well, its
mighty funny, then. Pa was tellin' MIR.
McNofiies that he took his typewriter to the
thea" ':James," said his father stern
ly. 81 will see you in the stable this eve
ninpo
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Emigration agent Ito Irishman): (which
steamer do you wish to go by?"
Irishman: '.Begor. I'll go by me name
sake-the O'Regan (Oregon) of course!'
E. A.: ''Will you have cabin or a steer
age ticket?"
Iri- hman: Faith. sir, l lived in cabin
all my life and that will he good enough for
me. l don't want any OF your quality
steeraoe."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Rural statesman: ''Ssy, III vote for your
city grab bill if you'll vote for my bill pro-
vidin' for a third deputy auditor in my
county,"
City statesman: "What on earth do you
want of third deputy!'
''Well; ye see the regular auditor is rel
ative of mine and he's deaf and dumb, and
the first deputy is a relative of Boss Pinury,
and is bedFidden, and the second deputy is q
relative of Boss Buckwheat and Is crazy.
We want someone to do the work."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

The widow who was mourning the loss of
her husband exclaimed: ''There is nothing
left for me now but to enter a convent for
all Is vanity" LET us hope not" reInon-
strated friend. 'You are still beautiful,
and a widow of 30 years. ''Twenty-
nine, if you please, SIR" interrupted the
uncOnSOled.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27
Better Than Oklahoma.

100 acres of the choicest land in the Sau
Luis Valley. in Southern Colorado. all under
fence, water-rights secured and bitches
ready for use. II will be sold as whole or
in quantities to suit the purchaser. 1t Is the
finest land in the valley, and is adapted to
either farming or stock-raising, For price,
terms, etc.. address HENRY A. BUTTERs,
Alamoea. Colorado.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

'.Havc you any particular object in loaf
ing around here?" asked the contractor of
a new building of an idler who was in the
way. "Yes SIR" was the prompt reply.
'Well, what is it?' II want to dodge my
creditors, and they will never think of look
ing for me where there is any work going
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Muttonhedde: 'Do you know why Har-
ward college is the greatest repository of
learning in the country!'
Smith: mo, dear boy. Why"
Muttonhedde: Because everybody takes
a little knowledge there and nobody yet has
ever been known to carry any away. See:"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Customer: ''See here! I've only worn
these pants one day, and they already bag
at the knees"
Dealer: 'Yah. Das vas recht. Dose is
our patent knee-stretching pants vat make
effery customer of ours look like q literary
man. See? You wear dose pants, mien
frient, and folks dake you vor Sharles
Dickens or Shakespeare"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Dr.. Pierce's medicines outsel all others
because of their possessing such superior
curative properties as to warrant their man.
(as they are doing through all druggists)
on such conditions as no other medicines
are sold under, viz: that they shall either
benefit or cure the patient, or all money
paid for them will be refunded. The ''Gold-
en- Medical Discovery is a specific for
tarrh in the head and all bronchial, throat
and lung diseases, if taken in time and Civ
en- a fair trial. Money will be refunded if
1t does not benefit or cure.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Ethcl-"Do you think he loves you, Mel
lie?" Nellie-"Oh, I'm certain of it. Why,
he wants to marry me so much that he has
borrowed money of papa for us TO get mar
ried on-a thing his proud. sensitive soul
could not brook If he did not love me"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Caterers foreman: ''Mr. Ruche, l don't
know what We are going to do with that Ro
man punch. Dobbs has put SO much new
rum in it that there is no sale for it,
Caterer: ''Send it to that temperance So
ciety's dinner tonight and have it marked
sherbet on the menu. 1t will be great card
trre"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Mr.. Johnathan Trump: ''You are charm
ing tonight" Miss Penelope Peachblow:
'.lndeed? What nice things you men say.
Mr.. Brown just told me the same thing"
Mr.. Jonathan Trump (anxious to depreci-
ate his rival: "Of course you don't believe
he meant it,
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Jones: Il think 1 never heard of man
SO taken up with his profession as is that
man Brown
Smith: ''What is his business?'
Jones: ''He's an aeronaut."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Jenny: "Here comes Jack, auntie. l
wish YOU would come down and stay in the
ROOM" Auntie: ''Why?" Jenny: "I'm
afraid he is going to propose and l can't
trust myself-he looks so poor and so hand
some"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Husband Ito wife in full evening dress):
"My stars! Is that all you are going to
wear?"
Wife Calmly: "All, except the flowers.
Which of these clusters would you select:"
Husband (resignedly): ''The biggest"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Bifkins: ''With all the trouble Jinks has
with his wife he seems to love her. Icaught
him this morning kissing her photograph"
Smithers: photographs can't talk"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

First Fireman: ''That alarm is from box
$780, Second Fireman: ''Great Caesar.
That's in a district full of fireproof build-
ings. Hurry, or we'll have terrible con-
fiauration,o
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A young lady in Indiana yawned her
mouth so wide open recently that she dislo-
Gated her jaw. Some man who had seen
better days had her in a corner and was
commencing again TO tell her how things
were before the war;
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Yours is an agricultural country, isn't it,"
asked a man on the limited of his new ac-
quantance froLp Dakota. ''Yes pardner'
'.What do you raise mostly?" ''Jack-pots."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

There are two classes of people whom a
sensitive man avoids-those whom he fears
he may bore, and those who he knows will
bore him.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Can the sale of an inferior article con-
stantIy increase for "A years? Dobbins'
Electric Soap has been on the market ever
since 1865, and is to-day as ever, the best and
purest family soap made. Try it. Your gro
Ger will get it.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

johnson: "But can you speedily circulate
the rumor in roundabout way so no one
will know where it starts from?" Ander-
son: ''Ycs: I've told it to my wife as Sc
cret and she will attend the sewing society
meeting TODAY"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Miss Pyrte: "What makes you such a
confirmed woman hater, Mr.. Oldbach!"
Mr.. Oldbach: ''Well, when was young
man woman made fool of me-"
Miss Pyrte: "And you never got over il? ~
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

The principal features of corrupt legisla-
tive assemblies are ayes and noes. These
features enable them first to scent jobs and
then wink at them.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Senior surgeon: ''How's that affection
Of the heart going on:"
Junior surgeon forgetting himself):
'Its all settled, doctor; she accepted me this
morning."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

?. Green: "Have you seen Smear's new
portrait of Dollie Footlite!" Ivory Black:
"No: Is it natural?" Z. Green: Il should
say it is natural. Every dude that sees it
instinctively commences to adjust his tic."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Small boy: Teacher, mother says l am
too delicate to come to school any more, SO
she's got me light employment" Teach
er: .'What is it!'' Small boy: "Selling
matches"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A western farmer is represented as saying
that it is better to he struck by lightning
than by lightning rod agent. He has
never been struck by lightning, ana SO his
experience, however sad, is one-sided.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Detective: "Was your cashier right or
left handed?" Bank president: Fright. 1
should say: nothing he could get his hands
on was LETT"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Fond Mother: ''My dear, 1 do not think
you should wear that ring on your left hand;
people will be asking if you are engaged"
Amorous Daughter; swell, mama, if
they should, could answer :.No, but Pm
open to be-"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

SIS Jour wife very ousy with her house
hold atfairs?' 'Yes. buster than ever"
work, isn't it," ''She don't any longer.
She's got a servant girl to look after now"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Gotham dame: DO you think Mr.. Nice
fellow is in earnest?'
Daughter: Il guess so. He asked me
last evening which one of your daughters
was your pet, and / told him that l thought
that if all: three we're marrled you would
rather live with Clara or Dora than with
me.'
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Mr.. Winks (solemnly): "a noted physi-
clan says that deadly bacteria lurk in bank
notes, and many diseases. especially small
pox, are spread that way.''
Mrs. Winks: ''Merey on US! Give me all
you have, right off. I've been vaccinated,
YOU know"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

The curtain had dropped on one of the
tragic acts in 'sTen Nights in Bar-room"
when one youth turned to another and said:
''pretty strong, amt it?' ''YOu bet, Let's
go out and take suthin."
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Jones; mo one has ever spoken Of mo
as being fool.'
Crown: ''Some things are so generally
words"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Personal-John W. B.: If you will return
to your home, you will find all is peace and
happiness again. The piano has been sold.
Your loving wife.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

1t is considered pretty serious charge to
bring against n woman to say that she
means all she says.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Judging from the formidable preparations
made for executing criminals in New York
it seems certain that after a man has once
tried the new way he won't patronize any
other.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A thief who stole mirror was imprisoned
for theft and fined for drunkenness. He
bad taken a glass too much.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

The circus performer who balances
crow bar on the top Of his caput has pry
set upon his head.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Colored lad: "Gemman to see va. num-"
Lady of the house(at breakfast): Very
Well. John show him into the parlor."
John: "Oh, but it's de gemman come to
sweep dc chimbly." Lady (much nettledl
''Then show HIM up the chimney"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

First Tramp: ''Murder. Help! Help"
Second Tramp: "What's the matter,
Denny?'
First Tramp 81 dreampt was wur-r-r-
kim
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Edwin Arnold must think hippantly of
Europe and Africa, since he made Light of
Asia.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A Pocket Cigar Case and five of ssTansill's 3
Punch" all for 25c.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Why are scholars so much interested in
Folk Lore-than themselves!
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Ethel (dreamily): ''They say there is a
man in the moon" Amy: eyes; it is not a
summer resort"
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A spirit mediums business is naturally
dull in the summer. there is so little demand
for wrapS.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

''WhoIn the gods love die young" And
the more one sees of the survivors the moro
one appreciates the taste of the gods.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A soldier wins his spurs on the field of
battle, but a tom-cat purS on the back
fence.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

A Harlem butcher says he has royal pat
ronage-prints of the blood in his shop ev-
cry day.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Fogg declares that he no longer spends
his evenings with Miss Spilkins because her
father Is freebooter.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

She ordered fowl for grand dinner and
made the cook bring his purchase for her
inspection. She examined it, tossed her
bead discontentedly and said:
ut is poor looking thingn'
"Oh, mumv' said the cook, ''when il ID
fixed up with trufies it will look entirely
different. Just like when you put ON your
diamonds NUMB
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27
Never on time-Sales for cash.


Days of virtue and usefulness mako
Knights of Honor.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Business man Ito new amanuensis):
.'See here you are writing out my words
in full. Why don't you take it in short
hand?"
New amanuensis: ''You talk too fast.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

If afflicted with sore eyes, use DR.. Isaac
Thompson's Eye Water. Druggists sell it. 25c
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

HALLS CATARRH CURE is liquid and
Is taken internally, and acts directly ON the
Write for testimonials, free. Manufactured
~ =. J. CHENEY 4 CO, Toledo, u.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

DR.. Pierce's Pellets-gently laxative or
actively cathartic according to dose. %
cents.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Mid enuabs climato certain and abundant crops Bss1
fruit grain grass stock country in the world Yul
70 ton free Addrs the Oregon Immigration Board
Portland. Oregon.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Sherifrs Sale.
Smoke the Sheriff Sale ses.r straight loa Havana -
gar for H.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

Write C. Conklin, 4. C. MO-, Agent
yandalia line for cheap tickets east.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

When Baby was sick, We gave her CastoriA,
when she was Child, she cried for Castoria,
When she became Niss, she chung to Cassoria,
When ahs bad Childrca, shs gave them Castorias
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27
TSNe
%ASN&s
S;SaSxsaEax;Ma
100
NQSSS
ONeNS1x

Tho Chief Reason for the great success OF
Hoods Sarsaparilla IL found in the fact that
Merit Wins. 1t is the best blood purifier and
actually accomplishes all that is claimed for It
Prepared only by c. I. Hood Co.. Lowell. Masa
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27

AEto Se day. Samples worth 0e. Is FREE.
Ne1I.ines not under horses feet. Write Brew
WISER Safety Rein Holder Co. Holly, Mich.
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27


keep great religious festival After
the hospitable homes were crowded with
visitors, the tents were spread all around
the city to shelter immense throngs of
strangers. 1t was very easy among the
vast throngs coming and going to lose
a child. More than two million people
have been known to gather at Jerusalem
for that national feast. You must not
think of those regions as sparsely set
tied. The ancient historian Josephus
says there were in Galilee two hundred
cities, the smallest of them containing
fifteen thousand people. No wonder
that amid the crowds at the time spoken
of Jesus the boy was lost. His parents,
knowing that He was mature enough
and agile enough to take care of him
self, are on their way home without any
anxiety, supposing that their boy is
coming with some of the groups. But
after while they suspect He is lost and
with flushed cheek and a terrorized look
they rush this way and that, saying:
Have you seen anything of my boy?
He is twelve years of age, Of fair COM
plexion aud has blue eyes and auburn
hair. Have you seen Him since We left
the city?" Back they go in hot haste, in
and out the streets. in and out the pri-
vate houses and among the surrounding
hills. For three days they search and
inquire. wondering if He has been
trampled under foot of some of the
throngs or has ventured on the cliffs or
fallen of precipice. Scarborough all
the streets and lanes of the city and
among all the surrounding hills
that most dismal sound, "A lost child!
A lost child,' And 10, after three
days they discover Him in the great
Temple. seated among the miehtiest re-
ligionists of all the world. The walls
of no other building ever looked down
on such a scene. A child IL years old
surrounded by septuagenarians, He ask
ing His own questions and answering
theirs Let me introduce you to some
Of these ecclesiastics. This IL the RTea1
Dodge City times., 1889-06-27


Jerusalem, and toiling two years on it,
found that after it was done it was two
spans too short. and the boy took hold
one side of the throne and His father the
other side of it and pulled it to the
right size? Is that any more wonderful
than that after growing to manhood He
folded mp, as easily as you would a fan,
q Galilean hurricane? Or the uninspired
story that His comrades in their play
brought flowers and crowned Him as q
king? l should think they would have
done SO. Or the uninspired story that a
boy hunting for eggs in a partridge nest
was stung of viper and the poisoned
lad was brought on q couch to the boy
Christ and Christ asked to be taken with
the afflicted child to where the child
was bitten and at Christs command the
serpent with its own mouth drew forth
the poison from the wound? Why.
Christ has been doing that through all
the ages, namely, compelling the very
things that wound us, under His sancti-
flying power, to bring us to health and
reinvigoration and eternal life. Or the
uninspired story that children were
playing on the housetop and the boy
Christ was there and one of the children
was showed from the roof and fell to the
KIOuuO Auu uicu- anu tue Otuer cQ1lOren
charged Christ with the misdemeanor
and the boy Christ said: Charge not
Me with the crime, but let us leave it to
the dead child to settle the controversy"
and the boy Christ said: ~Zeinumus,
Zei4umus! who threw thee down from
the housetop?' Then the dead child
spake and said: Not Thou. but such a
one did" Was that more wonderful
than Paurs resuscitation of Eutychus,
who fell from the window while the
apostle was preaching? Or the unin-
spired story in the apocryphal New Tes-
lament which says that Christ the boy
was taken to school and Za.cheus, the
teacher told Him the first three letters
of the alphabet, whereupon Christ the
boy asked His teacher such profound
questions concerning the alphabet that
the teacher was confounded and the boy
Christ Himself explained ali to the
teacher until Zacchsus said to Joseph
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1889-04-13
Where win they sleerg

NEW YORK, April 13.--"Where art
the many thousands of people going t.
sleep and eat that will come to New
York to witness the centennial celebra
tion?' This is the question that causes
the average hotel and boarding houss
keeper to smile.when mention is made
Of it. AS matter OF fact there are BIZ;
few persons who have begun to realiz
the gigantic number of visitors this city
is going to contain during the week from
April q 10 May 8. Those who conside
themselves as authorities estimate tina
the number will fall but little short of {
million.
One leading hotel man stated that h
thought fully 200, 900 people would hav
to walk the streets, il they did not TAX.
the outgoing trains to nearby towns
either in New Jersey or Connecticut
After the hotels 1.-The next recourse thu
visitors will have is the keepers Of board
ing and lodging houses. OF these Their
are many thousands, both in this citJ
and in Brooklyn and Jersey City. It Il
roughly estimated that fully 900, 900 per
sons will be provided for in this manner
in this city alone, while Brooklyn cat
take care Of about 100, 900 and Jersey Cits
can stow away about $4,000.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1889-04-13
Burned in the Brush.

EAsToN, Pa, April I3.-Henry Charles
William Miller. root and herb doctor.
aged SO, was burned to death on his land
in Forks township, near this city. He.
went out ia the morning 10 burn brush.
AT noon his family saw that the fire was
causing great blaze and much smoke.
and had then spread over ten acres Of
ground, but no further attention was
paid TO it until night. when his grandson
went out and found him burned beyond
recognition anu 10 crisp. Every article
of clothing had disappeared, the flesh
was cracked and bones disiointed. As
Miller's feet were found entangled in a
wild grapevine it is believed that while
fighting the fire he was unable to extri-
cate himself, was overcome by smoke,
fell and was then burned to death. Mil
Ter supported his family for years by
making medicine from roots and herbs
and peddling the same in several counties
in this state.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1889-04-13

WEST CHESTER. Pa, April 13.--Johr
McNIinn, son of Samuel McMinn, of Yves
Nantmeal township, in this county, was
shot in mistake for a robber. A few
nights ago burglars broke into Mr.. Nc
MINIS barn, in which several fine horse.
are kept. The thieves were evidently
frightened off, as some of their harness
was found in the barn next morning ant
none of the horses missing.
Mr.. McMinn and son, thinking til,
robbers would return, since then watched
nightly for some time. In the nigh
John thought he heard footsteps, ant
slipped around to the other side of TIL,
barn from that where his father wa:
watching without the latter's knowledge
When Mr.. McAfinn saw the figure Of 1
supposed robber he blazed away, and his
son fell. He was shot in the breast amt
his wound may prove fatal.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1889-04-13
one Car ran il arlnneapoll..

MINNEAPOLIS, April 13.-Not q whee
was turned on ant of the street car line
until p. M. At that honr q car wa
started under police protection, but after
q run Of two or three blocks the con
ductor ordered the driver to pull back 4
the barn. 1t was said the men gave ca,
conductor SO to turn back. a second
attempt at $50 p. m. proved more sue
cessful. About block away from tls
barn the strikers threw the car from thu
track. but It was soon put upon the rail
refund trip. No further attempt VA
made To run out cars.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1889-04-13

Adverse Action Oh the -Dlrrriminn.
tfon and Australian Dak1ot BlllG
HARRzsDURn. April ~ -1Er. Wherry
made another effort ii the house 70 ct
his anti-discrimination bill special Or
der. He offered ! resolution t. make
the bin . special order for Tuesday On
second reading and Wednesday Tor third
reading. After considerable debate the
resolution was defeated By So yeas tc
70 nays. II required two-thirds vote
to pass it.
Mr.. Baker offered a resolution making
special order for his bill regulating
elections. providing for the Australian
system Of voting and other reforms Mr..
Fow sought TO have an amendment made
70 the resolution, providing that his bill
Tor similar purpose be considered at the
same time. Dir. Fow finally Withdrew
his amendment. and 1ir. Bakers resolu-
ton was voted d0wn-yeas, 81: nays, So.
Dir. MARYLAND called up his resolution to
have his bill TO repeal the act preventing
the sale or manufacture Of 0leomarga-
rine. After some discussion the resolu-
ton was ejected yeas, a.; nays, 1l3.
Dir. Thomas offered resolution pro-
viding for a commission of four members
of the house, three senators, the speaker
Of the house, and president pro tenn. of
the senate, and two citizens, 60 be APP
pointed by the governor, TO consider the
insurance law, and all questions relating
to the same, to report 70 the next legis-
lature. Referred TO committee on IN
surance.
Mr.. w. s. Williams presented reso-
luton recitfng that there existed on the
part of corporations chartered by thu
state and other companies and individuals
a conspiracy to restrict the output OF
coal, thus throwing thousands of miners
and workmen out of employment, re-
sulting in distress and suffering. The
resolution provides for commission Of
representatives and senators TO consult
with the governor and attorney general
as to whether some remedy cannot be
had for this evil, and to report by bill or
otherwise to the next legislature. Re-
ferred to the committee on mines and
mining.