The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1888-10-24
OUR WIFE.
Or How the Editor of Pisen-
wood Quit Drinking.

OOR VIII Z.
Or How the Editor of Pisen-
wood Quit Drinking.
When the yellow-haired devil Of the
Jack Creek P;ssnrooi vent to the offie at
O'Clock a. ni. on the morning Of the Sd
OF April, 1887, he found the editor in II
was so unusual to End the editor in at
that hour that the boy whistled in low
contralto voice and vent into the news
room, leaving the gentlemanly, genial
and urhane editor Of the Pi.7lroo,l as he
had found him, sitting in his soandered
chair with his head immersed in pile
OF exchanges on the table and his vener-
able ~" near by, acting as paper-weight.
The gentlemanly. genial and urbane e,li-
tor Of the Piss,,sro,i presented the ap-
pezranoe Of a man sleeping of long and
aggravated case Of drunk His bat was
Oh the back Of his head, and his features
we're entirely ohscured by the loose pa
pers on which they rested.
Later on Elijah r Baehforl, the fore
man, came in, AMI found the following
copy on the hook, markell Leaded I'd
itor.al, and divided it up into two
takes for the yellow haired devil and
himself.
In another column Of this issue will
be found. among the legal notices, the
srst publication Of summons in an ac-
ton s9r divorce. in which our wife is the
plaintiff and we are made defendant.
( While generally deprecating the practice
Of bringing private matters into public
through the medium Of the pres, We feel
{ justified ia this instance, inasmuch as
7 the summons sets forth, as a cause Of ac-
ton. that We are, and have been, for the
4 apace Of ten years, a confirmed drankard
( without hope Of recovery, and totally IN
I willing TO provide for and maintain our
said wife.
That We have been given TO drink We
DO not, al this time, undertake TO deny or
in any way coutrovert, but that We can
q,,it at any time We do most earnestly
contend
In 1867, on the 5th day of July. we
married cur wife. Ii was a joyous day,
and earth had never looked to u 50 fair
or 50 desirable as summer resort as it
did on that day The flowers biOomed,
the air was fresh and exhilaraiing, the
little birds aad the hens poured forth
their respective lays. 1t was a day long
to be remembered, and it seemed as
though we hsd never seen nature get up
and hump herself 20 be 20 attractive as
she did on this special morning-the
morning Of al mornings-the morning
We married our wife.
Little did We then dream that aftsr
ten years Of varying fortune We would
to-day give utteranee 70 this editorial, or
that the s;eam-pow press Of the Piss1.-
rood would squat this legal notice Of di-
vorce, a veneuioIet thoro, into the virgin
page Of our paper. But such i the case.
cur wife has abandoned Us TO our fate,
and has seen ct to publish the notice in
what We believe 70 be the spiciest paper
published ives, Of the Misso ri Tiver Il
was not necessary that the notice should
be published. We were willing at any
time 10 admit services, provided that the
plaintiff would serve il while We we're So
Der. We cannot agree to remain sober
after 10 O'Clock a M, in order 20 give peo-
pie chance 10 serve notices on Us. But
in this cSse plaintiff knew the value Of
advertising, and she selected a paper that
goes TO the better classes all over the
Union When cur wife does anything,
she does it right.
g For ten years our wife and We have
trudgei along together 1t has been a
record Of errors and failures on our part;
a record Of heroic devotion and forbear-
ance on the part OF our wife. II is over
now, and with nothing TO remember that
Is not soaked full Of bitterness and wrap
ped UP in red flannel regnorse, We 20
forth to-day and herald cur shame by
publishing TO the world the fact that as i
/ husband, We fare a depressing failure,
while as a red-eyed, rum-soaked ruin and
all-around drunkard, we are a tropical
triumph We print this without egotism
and We point to it absolutely without
vain glory
-Ah, why we're We made the custodian
Of this fatal gin, while Others were denied. {
1t was about the only talent We had, but /.
we have not wrapped If up in a napkin
Sometimes We have put cold, wet towel I
on il, but We have never hidden it under /.
= bushel. We have put II oct at per
cent. a month and il has grown TO be a
thirst that IS worth coming all the way
from Omaha To see. We do not say ali !
this 10 the disparagement Of other bright 4
yOang drinkers, who came here al the
same tine and had equal advantages with I
Us. We DO not wish 10 speak lightly Of
those Whose prospects for filing drunk
ards graves we're at one time even bright I
er than ours. We have simply sought TO
hold our position here in the grandest I
galaxy Of exienpo-zneoGs inebrizfes in /
the wild and Eoolly West We do not /
wish 10 vaunt cur own prowess. but we
say, without fear Of successful contra
dIcEion, that We have done the best that
we could
sOn the fourth page Of this number /.
viii be found, among other announce
ments, the advertisement Of our wife. /
who Is abo1t to open up the old laundry
at the corner Of Third and Cottonwood
streets, in the Briggs bnilding. We hope
that our citizens viii accord her geI.er-
Gus petronaee- Not so much on her he's
bands accoEnt, but because she is de-
zar.-sr,sr rrosnar aud q sr1,s1 7efrr,tl -razs