Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-12-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

e agree Will you AldDcl. "A IallOF-
made suit certainly does admirably
display the figure which lady hasn't
got.-P,tck.
John, you are not listening to a
word am saying" ''Why. my dear.
I am all ears" 4 know you are, and
that makes it all the more provoking
Life.
Young minister's wife-"What is
your text to be this morning. dear?"
Young minister-''Robert Elsmere,
ninth chapter, fifth paragraph. "-B'tr-
lngton Free Press.
Club life in New York differs from
the life of a regular bum only in al
ways being able to get drunk, and in
being taken home by friends in a car
riage. Detroit Free Press.
American deteetive-Ho! Ho! Call
yourself detective? Why don't you
Ind the Whitechapel murderer? Ems
rlish detective-Hi'm too busy uniting
For Mr.. Observation-Disclosures Record.
Cambridge, England, has establish
sd college of carpentry for women.
Any woman of ordinary intelligence
can learn how to split wood in one
course of thirteen weeks.-Detron Free
Press.
Mamie-I can't imagine why Clara's
room always smells so of arnica. Loie
Why, don't you know? She is en-
gagged to the captain of the football
team, and arnica always reminds her
of him.-Puc6.
Preceptress Cat Vassar) We'll,
| Miss Daisy, I'm waiting for your reel
tation." Miss Daisy's bosom friend
please, ma'am, she's got her chewing
gum caught, and can't open her
| mouth. "-Puck
Jaggs-''Tobacco cause toothache?
| Nonsense! use it constantly, and |
haven't had toothache for years"
Bagley-''Well,y you have teeth like
iron" Jaggs-'Not eyactly-only
celluloid. "-JWdge.
Mrs. Bliffers.-Here is an advertise
ment for man weighing not less than
I; 400 pounds. | wonder if he is wanted
for a dime museum? Mr.. Differs
Dunno. Maybe they want him to drive
coal cart PHILADELPHIA Record.
s.Ah, Lionel, that poem is beauti-
1ul! Is, ASdlaIt, III 10 tuG ClOW IL
ing effort of my life.'' ''And Lionel
my Lionel! it will bring you fame,
eternal fame, will it not?" eyes
| Agatha-and perhaps $2,''-LJe.
Pa asked the small boy, s-what is
| heroine?" "Your mother is a hero
ine,n replied the parent. ''How q
heroineP'' "Why, she married youl
father when his income was only $500
a year-and she knew ii. "-N0rTISto1O2
HerGId.
stPa, what is a marplot?" cit is one
of those little games your mother and
) grandmother put up on your father,
my son, when they are particularly
anxious to 90 to matinee. Now
don't ask any more questions. Med
! York Sun.
What do you think of my poem in
the Gazette, Wilkins?" sit was re-
markable piece of work. One thing
about it I thought was particularly
wonderful" 'What was that?" That
the Gazette ever published it.''-Harp-
ers B0zGr.
Fond mother-s'Well, Harold, how
are You succeeding at college?" Har-
| 0ld-f'The professor says / am getting
we'll up in figures" ..Indeed?' Yes;
l used to be seventh in my class and
now | stand sixteenth. 0, I'm push
ing on Td7abee Blade.
Observer-Do you always flavor
your cakes with brandy? Pastry cook
20. no; [ do it lately as sort of pro-
test. Observer-Protest against whatP
Pastry cook-Against the high price
of flour. believe there ought to be a
drop in it.-LoaOeU Citizen.
Tramp-Can you give me some
work, sir? Farmer guess so. What
kind of work do you want? Tramp
Work for my jaws. Farmer
right; come in and talk with my wife.
If she can't keep you busy I'll eat my
boots.-Burlingto'o Tree Press,
Foreigner-Why do you call that
man 'EHonest jim? American citi-
zen-Well, sir, it's this way: He WAS
| once Treasurer of this county and had
a chance to run off with whole years
! Doodle, but the honest old fellow took
only $3.50, philadelphia Record
"What are the chief requisites for
success in the literary world, Mrs.
Nbson?" inquired Softly. There are
two that | may MENTION" replied the
| oracle. Zone of them is plenty OF pa
| tience." s'What is the other?" 'sPlenty
| of postage stamps. "-NeW York Su1.
Jinks-If the Government wants a
! frst-class Minister to the Court of st.
James Blinks is the man. He's born
diplomat Winks-Think so? 81
know so. Why, sir, I've seen that man
Blinks talk to uniformed railroad
| conductor until he smiled. -PltiladeL-
plaiG Record.
Wife Cat breakfast)-I think / will
60 downtown to-day, John, aud get
myself pair of shoes. Husband
Well, my dear, but you had better start
Immediately after breakfast. I am
going out this evening and ] would
like to have dinner promptly at 6
o'clock.-Epoch.
One of the leading American colleges
has resolved to dispense with ''class
yell' next year. An institution of
learning that will thus aim a deadly
blow at the higher education of our
youth doesn't deserve the patronage
of the American people. Football may
go next.-Norrist01O1a Herald.
a fashionable item says: "Small
silver TASKS, each capable of holding
gill, are now carried by ladies'" What
folly! The man who accompanies his
wife or lady friend to the theatre
will still have an excuse to go out be-
tween the acts. A gill is not enough
for one.-Drake's Magazine.
Kentucky Coroner-Yes. the papers
found upon the deceased prove that he