Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1888-11-07
Bits from Rurdette.

"Was there ever time in your life,
Mr.. Slammaround, asked Miss Lii
bud, when all the world seemed a
dreary waste to you when your heart
was hungry and starving; all the sweet
springs of your life were turned to Bit
terness, and death seemed the sweetest
boon the gods could offer you; when
all the light was dark and all friends
seemed false?" Indeed there was, !"
said Slammaround, earnestly Il can
remember it as though it was yester-
day. was only Is years old at the
time, and I didn't try to smoke another
cigar for six years after.
where did you last work ?" asked
Mr.. Easy eli were 'ostler for hoffi-
cer," replied the new coachman. II
see," said the gentleman, kindly, "you
are young man of misplaced aspira
tions; but that won't matter here. I
have no daughter, and you can't run
away with my wife; she won't trust me
long enough out of her sight to elope
with anybody"
There's one thing boy can do that
his father cant-he can Jump out of
bed at the stroke of fire alarm, put
on all his clothes the right way, and
be at the fire two minutes ahead of
the first engine. The boy is father of
the man IN some things. "But," says
the escaped lunatic, who sometimes
turks around the asylum to see if he has
yet been retaken, "the girl is farther off
the man than the boy is.
Money in England used to be made
of wood. Hence arose the expression,
I'm dead broke; stake me for break
fast. There is o currency in America
called Chips" but there's nothing
woodeny about it.
An inquisitive correspondent wants
to know which is worse, caterpillars
or grasshoppers Depends on where
you have 'em; on the wheat, grasshop-
pers are worse; down your back, cater
pillars.
"The awkwardest thing in the world,
says cynical neighbor, sis woman
handling gun" Dunno about that;
did you ever see man handling a
baby?
An obituary poem about dead poll
tician says, "He blooms with the angels
in heaven, his home" Might be, might
be; probably is, in fact. We noticed
before he went that he had already be-
gun to blossom at the nose.
The Texas wool clip this year will
reach about 100000 pounds, not
counting Mexican scalps. They are in
cluded only in off years
"How can / hide my freckles ?" writes
a sweet young thing. Oh, paint your
face black, Clara; paint your face
black, and they won't show; no, not by
lime light.
II perceive" said the observant En-
glish traveller, shat you have two
classes of newspapers in this country"
yes" assented the citizen, "dailies and
weeklies." "That isn't the distinction
I had noticed; thought they were d.
vlded into organs and trucking mouth
pieces. "Oh, yes" assents the citizen,
"they are at this time of the year. That
won't last long, however"
Farewell address of the little star
shaped, red hot Cinder: Old car, fare
well! The hour has come when I must
bid long adieu; but still I'll cherish
all the months of summer days I've
flown with you; I've led discomfort
through the train; I've put out many
laughing eye; the happiest hours I've
drowned in pain. Good-by, old car,
good-by. Inaugural of the Car Stove
How do, old car? The merry time of
brittle rails and wrecking trains brings
back the dear, familiar scenes, when
I'll get in my work again; full many a
time, in days gone by, I've roasted
folks alive with you; you've been re-
built-and SO have I-how do, old car,
how do?