davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
A Very Natural Mistake.

Herr Klimper is very stout man
weighing upwards of two hundred
pound. He is a professor Of music, and
gives lessons on the piano. He is also
somewhat Of an inebriate- He recently
moved into rooms in the eth story Of a
Harlem apartment house. He cele-
brated his moving into new quarters by
getting drunk. He came home about
twelve o'clock. and the fact that it took
him three-quarters Of an hour to ascend
tue stairs to his rooms proves that he
must have been having avery nice time
Of it with his boon companions.
Next morning two old ladies living
or the Iloor below coaversed about the
new tenant.
Have you seen the new tenant, Herr
R.imrcr?"
'.No. I've not seen him. but it is very
iaeonSiderate in him to have his piano
Erouga up into his rOom at twelve
clncS al night. disturbing the board
ess. It must be IN awful big piano b.
tie rrorble they bad with it"--TsxsI
S11iass
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04

announcement conveying fearful in
telligence to the gallant tars who fire.
quent this port: Sailors vitals cooked
here"
A clearinghouse keeper announces
in one Of the newspapers that he has a
cottage to let containing eight rooms
and an acre of land. A dealerin cheap
shoes was equally ambiguous when he
counseled in one of his advertisements:
Ladies' wishing these cheap shoes will
do well to call soon, rs they will not
asst long" The SAN, may be said of
the following: This hptel will be kept
by the willow of the former landlord.
who died last summer on a new and
improved plan"
A Scottish blacksmith, being asked
the meaning of metaphysics, replied:
"When the party wha listens disna ken
what the party wha speaks disna ken
what he means himser-thats meta
phcesics."
Perhaps as odd a way of putting
things as any of the foregoing exam
pies was furnished by little Partisan
mendicant, who. following a gentle
man, said: Monsieur, give me just
penny; Tn an orphan by birth. "
The definition was worth ten centime'
to her.-LOHj0H Spectator.
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04

and no breakfast or dinner is thought
to be complete without them. There is
no reason why they should not be on the
table # farmers. They are very easy
TO raise. and they contribute much &c
tn. 81 Assure of the table.
Asparagus is u cheap luxury that the
majority of farmers deprive themselves
of. Rhubarb or pio-plant is another,
and celery is a third Their cOnsnmp-
tion in cities has increased greatly
during the past few years. and they
should be In general use in the country.
The Concord grape can b. raised as
far north as most kind Of apples will
ripen, and is very desirable for the
breakfast table. A variety of cOndi-
ments can be raised by farmers. Let
tuce, peppers, nasturtium. cress. pars-
lev, sage, summer savOry and thyme
should be raised IN the garden Of every
farmer. A bed of waterscTess on the
bank Of a stream, the margin Of a
pond. or the side of a spring will fur
nish one of the most desired condiments
during half the year. As a relish for
eating with meat or with bread or but
ter it has no superior. Sweet potatoes
are much more easily raised than most
farmers suppose. and enough to supply
the wants of family can be produced
on a square rod of rich soil. The best
substitute for them is the Hubbard
squash baked ION the half she'll"
The cooking Of meat in farm-hOuses
could be greatly improved by substi-
tuting the broiling-iron for the frying
nan. Il could also be improved by
cooking it a shorter time. Fine beef is
ruined by too much couking. Its flavor
Is DESTROYED and its digestibility lee
sened If it is cooked till all its juices
are destroyed. The majority Of the
country people seem to think that beef
should be baked or fried in the same
manner that fish are. They never
learn to eat raw beef. Frying meai
and fish IS much m9rs common in the
country than in cities. probably for the
reason that the soft coal cooking-stoys
is in general use II offers no good
place for the brOiling-iron. while the
fuel used makes no suitable Goals. The
best fuel for broiling is charcoal, which
farmers in many parts Of the country
obtain at a reasonable rate. or can pre-
pare themselves Its value in dOmes'
tic economy is not appreciated in mos
parts Of our country as it is abroad
Chicago Tines
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
MET HIS MATCH.
4 Boo.g-AEent IBvtdes a Ia lrOad Office
and is q, orsted.

4 Boox-Aeent Invsdes Ia lroad Office
and is Is orst"d.
A rather stability dressed man with
a large book under his arm, inserted
lis Ise into the oridcs through which
railroad tickets at the Uuica Depot at
Austin are sold.
VIVA can ! do foryou?' asked Pete
Lawless. the genial ticket agent.
How much does a ticket to Dallas
cost?'
'"Seven dollars and fifty cents"
well. I've got ali but the seven dol
lars"
That's hardly enough"
"Lool, here. my friend, Tn a book
agent. and I got roped into a listle
game of poker and want to get out Of
town. Now, if stay here I'll have to
drum, and I'm a terror. I've talked
lots Of people ito the lunaic asylum.
You don't want me to talk you silly,
do you?"
Suppose you try"
IN the interest Of the people of
Austin YOU want to help me leave this
town. Ny staying here a week will
retard its growth ten years.
so You are really a bpok-agent
What book are you selling?'
A galvanized smile spread over the
mans face. like a lot of butter on a
hot batter cake. and in a sing-sOng
,-,,;., ba ran, ..l-ad-
II am Offering the public. in seven
teen volumes, d. BIm5leDee's OBJ
servat;ons in Palestine, a book that
should be in every household; a book
that not only contains the views Of the
learned savant on what he saw in the
Holy Land. but numerous sDeculations
and theories about what be did not see,
altogether forming a complete library
Of deep research, pure theology anu
chaste imagery. am not selling this
incompatible encyclopedia, bat am
giving it away at a ridieulOusly low
figure"
The agent paused He expected that
the ticket agent would be bored, but he
was not. On the contrary, ne seemed
to be amused and pleased.
Hadn't you better give me ticket,
instead of having me- talk you t.
death?"
Talk me to death! Why, man alive,
like to hear it. Say that over"
Say it over?" queried the bewildered
boOk-asent.
Yes; I was a book-agent myself, be
fore went into the railroad business
and what you say is music to me. 1
calls back hallowed memories Of thl
/ past and makes me want TO 90 on th'
road again. Why, man alive, coul'
/ lis.ea to you all day. wouldn't have
YOU leave Austin for any thing. Come
around every day, and we viii swap ex
/ perienees.
The book-agent elosel his book wit
a bang, aud faded away like a beauti
full dream in the direction Of a salooi
where they set ont free lunch. He har
met his match for Once.-Icras SET
mas
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
THEY NEV-R DECLINE.
Women Who ave Never Been Known {
Refuse an Invitation.

Women Who ave Never Been Known &c
Refuse an InyitsSion.
There are unqIestiOlably some wO-
men living in this AMI every great and
growing city who, were they upon the
couch of death. could conscientiously
say: II have fought good fight; 1
have, during society experience of
five or ten years. accepted every invi-
tation that ever received l have
taken in the Old-fa5hiOnel general
party, its su acessOr the five o clock tea,
and the prevailing at home have
never refJsel Al invitation to lunch,
dinner or ball have always been on
hand; when it was only going to be IAN
informal affair. as well as when every
body was goiag.' My friends have
always put me on the list Of those who
are "sure to CO NJ" never wasted a
cent on ''regre. cArP' in my life. ]
would not know how to write a dedica-
ton of an invitation. 1t has been
hard sometimes to 60 to three
or four entertainments on the same
day, but have managed to do it. My
omnipresence in the social circle has
been my strong point. for nobody ever
appeared to b. surprised at seeing me,
and yet in this. my last hour, 1 recall
the singular fact that was Slways
asked the next day if I 'was there.
The strange part of it is that have
been an invalid the greater part of my
social existencs. Ihtve been a profit
able patient f)r MAJ ny physicians; my
delicate cOnsisIsiJ1 has been the
source of constant anxiety to myself
and of assured interest on the part OF
nv friends 1 have been obliged to
to make others do more for ma than
their share of life's hard work; but
there has never been day so cold that
got left when it came to being present
at party, ball. or any Of the social fes-
tivities. What 1 chiefly regret in say.
goodbye to each is that / can't tak'
nv calIing-list with me; that l have
got to begin with an entirely new sci
on the other side of the dark river. anC
must wait awhile before I can be gen
orally introduced. "-BafalO CONNER
/ cial 4dUertiser.
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04

IOC,l
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
ODD EXPRESSIONS.
An Amusing Collection OF Verbal Bulls and
Hiunders.

kSiunufFss
Curious WAYS Of expressing ideas in
English may be expected from foreign
ers, as. for instance. when the French
man, who paid call in this country
and was about to be introduced to a
family, said: "Ah. re ladies! Zen
would before, if you please, wish to pur-
ifv mine hands and to sweep mine
hair!'
But the various natiOnalities Of the
British isles are sometimes not a whit
behind in verbal bulls and plumbers and
in what may generally be described as
odd ways of putting things. It is said
that when Constable'5 aunt was dying
the good, deaf old lady said: "Anne,
if I should be spared to be taken away.
l hope my nephew will get the doctor
to open my head and see if any thing
can be done for my hearing"
A Scotch publican was complaining
of his servant-maiI that she could never
be found when required: shell gang
DOT o the house." said he, twenty
times for once she'll come in"
A Welsh landlord who for some time
had been annoyed by an obstreperOus
guest, walked across the room to him
and striking the table with his fist,
shouted very volubly: you hat kick
up a row all day ere tonight! We was
not interfere with you, do we? Fiery
man here mind his own piziness; yes,
! by Jink, no"
The beggar was verbally mixed who
thus accosiei a passesr-by: "Sir, would
you please give me a little money to
/ buy bit Of bread. for I'm so dreadfully
thirsty that don't know where 1 am to
get a nights lodging?"
The same may be said of a country
yokel who went to the menageris to
examine the wild beasts Several gen.
tleman expressed the opinion that the
orange-outang was a lower order Of the
human species. Hodge did not like
this idea, and siriding up to the gentle
man expressed his contempt for it in
these words: 'Pooh! he's no more Of
the human species than be-
Mamma, is that spoiled child3"
asked little boy on seeing a negro
baby for the first time.
An amusing announcement was issued
by a corn-cutter from Leige: ''They
extarct the corns vidout the litest pain.
Cut males, deformsd witch spreds in the
tieisch-by new methode vidout pain.
They spokes French, Anglish, Italien.
Spaniteh. Portuguese, Dutch and Gar
man vid equal luency and rites dem. y
Over bridge in Georgia is the fol-
lowing: ANY person driving over this
bridge in pace faster than walk
shall, if white man, be fined five dol
lars, and if a negro receive twenty-five
lashes. half the penalty to be bestowed
on the informer."
In a small town near Avignon the
houses IN the suburbs became flooded
up to the level of the first floor, An
enterprising resident distributed among
his neighbors the following card: IN
Brochet, professor Of swimming, is
prepared to give lessons at the pupil s
residence" The professor may be
said to have taken fortune at the flood,
A shop exhibits card warning
every body against Inscriptions per-
sons "who infringe our tide 70 deceive
the public" We are afraid the shop
man does not say quite what he means
any more than the proprietor Of On eat
iDg-house. near the docks, on the door
Of which may be read the following
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
NEVER HEARD OF EN-.
A Farmers Sad Experience in a Detroit
Harness shop.

A Farmers Sa0 Experience IN n Detroit
Harness shop.
'|There's yer old robe" exclaimed a
farmer. as he entered a Michigan
avenue harness store yesterday and
flung down a goat-skin.
Il haven't lost my robe, " replied the
dealer.
mo, l reckon not, but havel I've
been fim-fammed, bunkoed and three
keered-mOnteed out of seven dollars,
and somebody has got to make it
rightr'
my friend, what is the matterP"
anxiously asked the dealer.
Look at that robe! Fur all coming
out by the handful bought it here a
year ago-Only a year"
But the moths have been at work
on it. It's entirely ruined"
"Jist what I said. Seven big dollars,
please"
But you let the moths get in last
summer. am not responsible for tho
damage"
''What mothsP"
"Why. the insect which destroys furs
and clothing"
Never heard of 'em. Seven dol
lars, please.
Il shan't pay it. You ought to have
known enough to pack it away and
keep the moths out.
..What do know of insects or moths,
1 sayr' shouted the farmer. 'Gimme
them seven dollars or there'n be ;
cyclone herer'
Two workmen came in from the shop
and helped put him out. and he wen;
across the street. sat down on a boz
and flung the robe over his shoulders,
and when any one stopped to ask what
was wrong he replied:
.'Feller over there. Sold me this
ere. Took seven big dollars outer me.
Moths got in. Want my money back.
He won't pay. Waiting for him to
come out II You see a big cloud Of
snow lowering in the air around here
purity soon don't git excited. It's -le'r
him I'm on top. - Detroit Free Press,
1t is said that whisky is being male
from old rags. ANY clothes observer
will remember instances where whisky
has made rags YoBksrs Statesman.
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY.

Herman experiments have shown
that cast-iron pillars remain nearly up
right and sustain their load in very hot
fires, while those Of wrought iron bend
TO such a degree as 10 Le valucless as
supporters.
Cherry tree gum is an emulation
from the trees of that name, and occurs
in shiny red Jumps With water, in
which it Is only partially soluble, it
forms a thick mucilage. This is not
used commercially.
Electricity on railroads win surely
not be long in coming. We are at the
we Of greater changes than we have
yet seen. The New York street ear
lines are experimenting with a promise
# immediate action. The Julien
system" at present, meets with most
favor In Europe electric lines arc
decided success on a small scale
An important announcement to
chemists is the recent synthesis of
glucose, or grape-sugar,, by Drs.
Fischer and Tafel. al the University Of
WurzburE. A remarkable attribute Of
the artificial product is that, unlike
other sugars Of the same composition,
It viii not rotate a beam Of polarized
light
Since the first appearance Of the
great red spot on the planet Jupiter
some nine years ago, Mr. w. Z. Den
ming, the well-known English astrOn-
0mer, has made about three hundred
observations Of the phenomenon. He
believes the red spot to be a feature OF
jupiter's atmosphere, and not Of the
surface Of the planet
1t still seems to be an unsettled
question whether wood can be ignited
by the heat Of steam pipe in contact
with it Il IS admitted. theoretically,
that it is impossible for wood 10 take
ire at a temperature Of PIP degrees. OF
somewhat higher; bat it is well known
that there have been a large number
Of cases Of fire reported as occurring
from this cause, and the evidence Is
very conflicting.
spreadingrapilly. Since the extension
OF the French colonial possessions, sol
diers, sailors. traders and missionaries
have fallen victims to it in large num-
bers. B.snier. therefore, exhOrts phys
icians in al countries to study the fell
disease in order to find means Of cOun-
-teracting its ravages. for it has active
focuses Of infection in every part Of tbs
globe
An electrical heating stove. in
vented in France, presents some inter
es,ing points Of arrangement am
operation. In it the conducting wire
are led through apertures in plates o
refractory clay and plumbagO. and II
which wire bObbins are placed as par
Of the electric circgit. To carry on
this plan the bobbins are heated By tn
passage Of the current, and in turl
heat the air. which is allowed to pas
freely through the apparatus.
Scientists are asked to tell VIII,
land that has been densely shaded. o
protected from the sun By piles Of lum
Der brick. wool. stone or any thin.
else for few years. always become
richer than adjacent land that has no
been thus shaded or protected 1t i
alleged that a great number Of fact
have been collected showing thas Their
Is no doubt Of the enrichment Of lanl
thus protected from the sun for au.
considerable period Of time. but tha
no explanation Of the phenomenon ha
yet been reached.
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
Out Of the swim.

Young Mr. Waldo (of Boston)-Ars
you going into society very much this
season. Miss Breezy
Miss Breezy (of Chicago Very liz
tie. Mr.. Waldo. Ny health Is so fal
from robust chat our family physician
has charged me against undue excite
ment An occasional FIVE . clock tea
CT divorce breakfast is the only social
dissipation Indulge in.-M Z Sun.
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04

links together, and with solder the
union is perfect The blit used is a
mule cut from head g. tail. Each link
is attached to the bal. by dEe Irvine,
and an attractive bait is offered with
hooks partially concealed and an invie-
ible snood. This tackliug possesses
great strength. for sharks nine feet in
length have been captured with the rig.
Jacksonville. [ Eli Nens- HernId
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04
a RemarkabIe - PIatgau.

This celebrated plateau. comprising
about ten acres. and rising sixty feet
above the surrounding prairie, ard
ninety feet above the level of the sea,
lies six miles northwest Of Columbia
It is covered by fertile soil. with red
clay foundation, resting upon sub
stratum Of shale, which is richly
charged with sulphate Of iron, magne-
STA, lime and other salts usually found
in mineral waters emerging from slates
This sbale. disintegrated in water and
STEPPED. possesses medicinal properties
Of great value a vet lower stratum
consists IS Q compars limestone. yield
ing d good qualify OF lime There /:
but litle doubt that the mound is Of
seismic origin. Deep crevices abound
penetrating it would seem, into tbs
very bowels of the earth, as q stone
dropped in can be heard striking
against the lodges OF rock until the re.
verberations are lost in the mysterious
depths below. ---0 Old CapitoL
The climax. [volume] (Richmond, Madison County, Ky.) 1887-1897, 1888-04-04

lli |
akin |
apps '
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1888-09-28
A CHESTNUT.

a prominent citizen of Burlington, VT,
recently had visitor from the bluegrass
region of Kentucky, who was easily enter
tained in learning the history of the cele-
brated horses of the green hills. The
great horse, ETHAN Allen" commanded
his greatest admiration,an when his host,
going the rounds of the city, pointed out
statue of the hero of Ticonderoga, he
remarked: "We think mighty heap of
horses in Kaintucky. but we have never
erected monument to one yet"
The above paragraph is going the
rounds of the press, but it is very stale
joke. The story has been told in Bur-
lington from time immemorial that a
countryman, on being shown the grave
of Ethan Allen in Green Mountain cem-
etery, remarked: "Ive seen lots of his
colts, but / didn't know where he was
buried"
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1888-09-28
PERSONAL.

George o. Tyler has been appointed
deputy commander for Vermont of Su-
preme Council of the 33d degree of Scot
tish Rite Masonry.
His Excellency Gov. Ormsbee and
Mrs. Ormsbee will hold reception in the
executive chambers in the State House
at Montpelier OH Wednesday evening,
October 3, from 5 to 10 o'clock.
a. C. Ferrin, late principal of the
Keeseville, n. V, school, has been cleo
ted principal of the Burr & Burton SEM
inarv at Manchester. He is graduate
of the university at Burlington.
1t was reported that Rev.J. II. Bennett
of Troy, formerly presiding elder of this
district, lost last week his pocket-book
containing a large sum of money and val
liable papers. 1t turns out that he only
left it on the bureau in his bedroom at
home.
Our readers will be pleased to learn
that Bishop Bissell is almost restored to
his usual health. He administered the
rite of confirmation to four persons at
Highgate on Thursday, and on Friday
returned to his home in this city Bur-
llngton Free Press, Saturday.
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1888-09-28
NOTE AND COMMENT.

A proposed amendment to the Maine
constitution, providing that the legisla-
ture shall meet annually, was voted down
by large majority at the recent election.
Anna Dickinson is delivering ten ad-
dresses for the Republican cause in In
diana. She speaks very plainly of per-
sons and principles and is waking up
things.
A movement is on foot to secure action
by the present legislature relative to the
proper celebration of the one-hundreth
anniversary of Vermont's admission into
the union, March 4, 179l.
The i'll health of Bishop Bissell leads
to talk about his successor. Those most
prominently mentioned are Rev. DR.. j..
Isham Bliss, rector of ST. Paul's, Bur-
lington, and Rev. DR.. E. r. Atwell, for
merly rector of the same church, but
now of Toledo, o.
The South seems to be getting on well
in the cotton-growing line. The statis-
tican of the New York cotton exchange
say . thae tic SioPo VI tilc CHltcu Otdles
for 1888 have been the largest on rec
ord, being 7,046,s33 bales, or $4,000 bales
more than the largest previous crop, that
of 1928.
The high-license law in New Jersey
does what advocates of that system OF
restricting the traffic claim it will accom-
plish, that is, break up the solidity of the
liquor interest. In Bergen county the Ii
censed dealers offered to make out, be
fore the grand jury, cases against l20 un
licensed yenders.
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1888-09-28

The Springfield Republican has long
chapter of "Advice to Postmasters," the
gist of which Isl "Let no postmaster
forget that he has been appointed to han
die the mail of the people in the most ex-
peditious and accurate way possible, and
that he is not political missionary. He
is part of great system of public busi-
ness and not the agent of party ma
chine"
"If we win," Mr.. Breckenridge of Ar
kansas is quoted as saying, lit will mean
that the Mills bill as a preliminary step
to free trade is all right. 1t is a victory
or Waterloo for the Republicans. It's
victory or a twenty years setback for
u.s." This is the opinion of one of the
men who framed the bill, and if he
doesn't know what the thing means, who
does?
The treasurer of the Democratic State
committee of Kansas sends to each of the
has been assessed Gin the sum of - as
being your equitable proportion which
you should and would willingly contri-
butte toward defraying the expenses nee
essarily being incurred by this commit
tee in making the campaign of 1888 on
behalf of the Democratic party in this
State" Great is "reform."
The Christian Union has been studying
Cleveland's letter of acceptance and finds
that ''he lays the foundation for much
more radical free trade position than he
now occupies" The letter, as whole, it
says, ''plants the President, and there
fore the Democratic party, more square
ly than any previous utterances, in mes
sage, platform, or proposed legislation,
on the fundamental position that protec-
ton to industrial enterprises must be an
incident, not an end, of the tariff, and
that whenever it ceases to be an incident
and becomes an end, it becomes injurious
to the public and unjust to the individu-