Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1888-05-31
THE HEALTH CRANK.
A Concentrated Nuisance OF the Most Dis
9greeable Type Ever Invented.

a concentrated uisance OF the Most Dis.
agreeable Type Ever Invented.
Health. no doubt, is good thing to
have in the family. for no one is more
to be pitied tina the invalid. but it is a
rem arkable fact that there are healthy
people who complain much more than
the average invalid. We refer to the
health crank. By this term we desig-
nate the man who is sorely aft cted
with chronic theories in regard to the
proper way to promote longevity.
He lives. eats. works and sleeps, and
bores people according to certain rules
that he has adopted for his guidance
and their annoyance. H, is sick half
his days from the effects of what he
eats and drinks. and from the exercise
he takes to encourage his health, while
he shortens the lives of his friends by
urging them to become cranks. even as
he is a crank. Verify, the condition
of the health crank is not one to be
envied.
He is never free from some infirm-
ity, and if he could acquire two in
firpities at once. his dream of Heaven
would almost be realized. AS soon as
he gets one weak part of his system
renovated some other part breaks
down. and he has got to go to work at
that. 1t may be mentioned incident
ally that he never does any thing for
his head. which is the weakest part
about him. His blood troubles him
much. He drinks acidulous beverages
to make his blood thin. and sleeps on
his back. with his head toward the
north. to make it circulate properly.
When he imagines that his liver
is working in a reprehensible manner
he stimulates it, or props it up, with
horseback ride before breakfast, and
if his stomach does not perform it's
functions with accuracy and dispatch,
he floods it with cold water before GO
ing to bed, OF irrigates it with seid-
litz powder the moment he gets up in
the morning. H. is always doing or
taking something to head off some in
trinity.
Anticipated ills trouble him most.
His favorite maxim is that about the
ounce of prevention and the pound
and half of cure. When he is not
engaged in fortifying his system with
graham bread or oatmeal, he is de-
veloping some weak muscle with
dumb bells. or trying to create an
appetite. or saving half a cord of
wood before the dew is of the grass.
He wears cork soles in his shoes,
claiming they act as rheumatism in-
suiators. He Is very regular in his
habits. He cuts his hair according to
the season. cleans his teeth by the
almanac. and takes exercise by the
clock. He is very fond of explaining
how much phosphorus there IS in corn,
fat-producing qualities in cheese. and
saccharine matter in wheat
His talk at the table is about the
adulteration of food. and he makes
his friends nervous and sick by telling
them of the DIRE adful things that gold
Ell slrup and butter are made of, and
the gloomy effect that hard boiled
eggs have on the digestive organs
of the idiot who eats them. He keeps
himself sick trying to get we'll.
wretched in efforts to obtain
ease. and goes down into an early
grave from the effects of trying to
lengthen his days.
To sum all up. he is crank and
concentrated nuisance. with the re-
deeming feature. however that he
Furnishes himself even more than he
does any body else. -7esas Sittings.