Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1886-1890, 1888-09-16
BILL. NYE,s FURNACE.
His Touching Experience with Goa
Consumer,

| His JOUch1nE experience with . Goal
Consumer.
| Last year had an experience with fur
| mace which ought to be en1balmed in song.
l only regret that I am not a suitable en-
balmer tl-at might attend to it myself. In
the prime of summer time engaged a coal
dealer to deal me some Goals at low rate.
By this means ] saved enough on my Goals to
purchase buffalo overcoat to wear while
carving at table during the winter, 50 it was
a wise move
We had reddish furnace and I tried to
win its confidence and mold its career dur
ing the winter. First it had to be cleaned
out thoroughly in the fall. Previous people
had used it apparently as retort for clink-
ers. desired to avoid the expense of hiring
a man to clean it out, as it was not what
would be called skilled labor, and so l did it
myself. By this means | saved $3.50, to
which added s47. so for the purpose of pur-
chasing a new suit Of clothes TO take the
place of the one ruined by getting it full of
ashes.
This furnace had two cut offs, ierker of a
cold air 1ue7 eleven hampers and tape
worm. l would go down at night and fill it
full of Goals, shut the cold air fue, examine
the steam gauge. also the crown sheet, dump
the clinkers and open the rear damper. l
would then retire. In the middle of the night
the humidity in my room would warn me
that all was not well with the furnace. l
would go below in my simple wrap and find
the furnace suffering from an overdraft l
then sought to reduce the temperature and
we famed ourselves to sleep In the morn
ing the furnace was found to be extinct.
This went on for q week or two. Then I
asked the coachman to look after the furnace
l told him | would look after the horses and
polish the crest if he would Try to win the
confidence of the furnace.
He resigned the second evening and left
me with the barn and the refrigerator both
on my hands. then secured the services of
a middle aged girl, who said she used to run
the Jay Gould furnace. L told her ours was
the same. Jay and l always bought our fur
naces at the same place.
She said she used to have two nights out
while she was with the Goulds / told her
that she would be treated equally we'll by u.s.
Her name was Lorena. and she did very
well while on duty, but the great difficulty
seemed to be that Lorena and the furnace
both wanted to go out on the same nights.
was her alternate with the furnace, and
it made me mad to have Lorena absent
Wnen IL was really my nlSnC OUT.
l told her that she might run Jay Gould
that way, but she couldn't run me. l de-
clined to take care of the furnace while she
was sleeping it off. | told Lorena that she
bad better go back to the Goulds.
She did SO.
l then began again to steer the furnace
through a tempestuous career. | excused
myself while dukes and titled people were at
our house, in order to 60 down and jerk the
furnace. l even tore myself away from q
mush and milk sociable up stairs in order to
go below and shovel Goals upon the never
ending appetite OF this great bottoUless pit.
And Yet the basement was the only part OF
my house that was really warm. Up stairs l
gradually froze, while tried to seem genial
and urbane. l wore fur overcoat up stairs
while the potatoes were sprouting in the cell
lar, and on the second floor the nurse and tho
governess were eating pemmican and waiting
for a relief party. Goose flesh manifested
itself on the exterior of those who sought to
dress for dinner party on the second floor,
while in the attic my employees were eating
blubber and hoping for congressional relief.
This furnace also had a sound magnitier to it.
Its sound nagnifer, AS a matter of fact,
worked bette! than its other fire did. When
excused myself to our pastor, seeking at the
same time to convey the idea that l was leav-
ing the room for the purpose of some exanli-
nation, it annoyed my wife much to hear
smothered roar, rattle and some loud and
horid remarks in my well known tones come
floating Up through the register
1t was q good furnace for everything but
heating purposes, and I have often thought
that if they had the same style in ancient
times the Hebrew children got good deal
better press notices than they deserved.-Biu
Nye in New Y DIRK w orld