Telegram-herald., 1888-01-31
THE UGLY MUSTACHE
sEy LsRGe. TIE sAssgs's FsieN0.
Ths HiFsass APEs4a&gs 81 tas PpsF LIP
sAs~a - ~ Al ias HoEEs<. ffs.tsa
nlstsFi9 Ally ecisAGne<1lss A0E-
aAIy sea >o1f@tly.

speaker eDsned sith ne broad. unqualified
assertion Ih4s 40 prs-ezainently great mao
ever yst sAs accustomed u Essr : naas-
t41hs. Conana az the sasiset be saia
P0lilsaes.. oT course. rsq2irss tast e ~
Always ua.isrsloOd that present com
ua1y . excepted from rae app icatlon
Of any critical remarks EhaL may oe made
10 thls LSclnFe. 10 ons must apply "a him
sell or bis mastaeas however formidzb.s 3
one BE NAY hsvs. any u the remarks, oui
BE must consider them Ike The good bIts
in a ssgm0a. as especially applicable o
uslz hb1r B. Or DE. c. Of Mrs. e.
snG lhAs as ainsei Is a0t referred % a. al
j he iipa are - a. ths most expressive por-
ll04 ol ne fac. 81 nan . man tells ne
tazI as Is zzd 20 see me. tbe speaker sait.
tie sncsfs cheerful expression bis lips
show ne nc sincerity OF hls heart, but II
as mouth IS al covered with half
| .Ooz bus I can not tell whether
tie words come from his mouth, hls
ear. from the BACK OF his head, or from bis
hand Ghs whole speaking part Of bis face
kAs ths unintefesting and unenAyening
lo0k 0f commou shoe brush. 1 caunot
tell Whether nc IS sincsrs O. not, and have
% regret that bis foolish compliance silh a
missra1ls and wfstched fashion has taken
away one Of the means Dy which Ne read
each others thoughts There are many pas
sages IN ths bible the right Interpretation o.
Which shows that the mustachs dtd not ex-
ist IN those DAYS. In tie 22nd Psalm Is
pro phosisd the manner ia which ChrIst's
ensaiss would treat him when on The
cross. The Psalm sAys-"Ihey shoot ont
the lips l. {. they made mouths az him,
but how could they DO this II the mouth
wzs covered with a great musEachet IL
would not be seen and could have no de-
sired effect. The expressions OF the lips,
the moekery and sco-n n intended 10 be con
veyed Dy shooting the lips out, Is all hidden
by the nustache Had the mustache
been common IN those days the Psalmists
language would havs been very different,
IL would have been more like this--they
erect the brlstles, they elevate the hair,
they rufiie up he feathers, or some other
sucn expressive phrase. When the
Bride ia the Book of Csnticles IN
speaking OF the bridegroom says OF him,
his lips are like lilies Suppose that those
lips were CO sered all over with q great. un-
slightly growth of oristle. The language OF
the bride would have been very different.
She would have said. His lips are Ike
the waving name OF the wild denizen OF
tbe pararie, or his lips are ike the shaggy
tail of the Iberian Ysmtak, or some Other
such classical and elegant illusion.
But when she says in language
the most simple, the most beau
tiful. the most poetlcal-"his lips are like
| lilies Is il not evident that those lips were
clean. and sweet, and pure, and smooth,
and exquisitely adapted to the performance
Of that most exhillrating duty always ex-
pected OF them upon such an occasion. The
only passage in all the scriptures that
= * al n h.af fHaa nf
mustache IL it refers TO that At all, IS
where the Prophet complained that he
dwelt in the midst of a people Of unclean
| lips ST. Paul frequently speaks OF saluting
| with kiss. OF course the men kiss the
men, and the women the women. Now
you have only TO suppose the case
/ Of two men with nuge mustaches
meeting each other and endeay-
oring TO perform this saintA-
ton, TO perceive at once the gross
aosurdity Oh the thing. IL would be the
most ludicious performance that sensible
| msn could we'll be guilty of. IL would not
/ be q kiss az all-but rather the rubbing to-
/ gsther OF noses-or the smelling OF each
| other as the Chinese do with their babies.
The mustsche destroys the excellence, the
beauty, the sincerity of the kiss between
the sexes-between man and wife-it de-
priEes her OF her Just rights. and II destroys
| entirely the sweetness, the tenderness. the
sscredness of the kiss. Where the mus
tache Is large 1t Is not a kiss at al.
bat mere attempt, an aggrava-
vation, q failure, . tizrle-out. q trayesty.
n caricature, an abortion, and not that
| plump, luscious. exhilirating, inspiring,
| exploding thing that 1t was intended to be.
The habit OF wearing the mustache is seri-
ously detrimental to health There are
those who do not have the time 10 wash.
cleanse. cut and scent II every morning,
who seldom scrub It out at all, and thus IL
is le n as place where filth accumulates.
But suppose It to be nicely cleansed IN the
| morning. At breakfast in spite OF all the
care that may be taken 3 little butter. or
gravy from the steak, or q little OF some
thing that goes into the mouth, IL Is
inevitable, Il will get there. The
napkin OF course is used. bat this instead OF
viping il of wipes il all through the mus
tache. The breath, a warm, tetid caroOnic
acid gas rises and pours right through this
mastachs. Before night Que thousand mi
liou OF little infusoria-animslculR will be
found al over the upper lip and mustsche,
and If YOU would use microscope you
would zee = sight tnat would sstonish you
-inpumsrable animalcula of the most hid
eous shapes darting around, chasing and
| fighting each other-some long snakey
things, some like tigers aud hyenss. furious
and savage, others horrid and frightful
ike those lost species of creation
that Aaassiz and other natursiistS
tell rs about When the wife kisses her
husband on his return home in the evening
! or the sweetheart her lover when they
part. it Is not nan they Kiss but q great
roaring mensgrrie OF wild animals. Ina
there Is some connection between the upper
lip aBd The intellect Is certain. Search al
history and you will fnd that wherever
there we're great orators, or trsgedlans, OF
musicians. the upper lip was bare. Who
are the eminently successful men In thi'
| countrY2 They are the men with ths
smooth upper lip. We elected Mr. Cieve-
land president. Bat be wears a hugs
mustscbs Has his administration beer
ANYTHING Ike what We looked fOrP Has D
not bseu almost a failure his lsts mes
/ sars to Congress vas decent bat you coulC
ace the ssrsaks OF the mustsche al through
it rom beginning 10 end. What u Il bu'
the depressing. psrsiyring influence CT tb'
/ musfscas upon the mental faculties tha
binders our politicsl men from seeing wha
e 50 very , ain. that protective tsrf !
/ nothing more Than a huzs premium Offers
20 The iasorsr - come over here and dTiv'
/ our la5orers from the field. step dowI
/ quietly - the BARRIERS az soon as Spin,
comes. say nothing about his lsctD rs
don't even sliade 10 II bat 80
/ that warm weather has cpuae and vol
thing y0u vii be more comfortable With
Gus ths mussaehc- ne vii cut it OF Tor yol
most cheerfailr. and my word for it. If you
will aniv sser it 40 YDu viii have the bless
7 ing q veur - = ron wiii deserve ths srsti
fu3e q your court ~. aud Jon vii posses
cissrer conzasnce and . Lesser lace a
tas year r0u7s
/
a Clever Performances.
a fsir sfzsss susisr~. ~sx wsil srfsrts,-a. :.