The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1888-08-04
A Cheerful Essay on Death.

| A Cheerful Essay on Death
New York Star.
People die very fast nowadays. I'll
a regular business. In my native vii
lage nine-tenths OF my boyhood
friends are in the graveyard. Atleast,
the bones they used are there. have
rows OF aunts and uncles there-al
dead. / have one uncle there who
was q great lover OF horses. One
night q horse kicked his tombstone in
two pieces. People remarked it and
guessed Uncle Henry had overdriven
that horse some time or other.
There's girls | used to know In that
cemetery, too. They are all dead
too. They are girls OF 1856, whose
young men went to California to
make a fortune and never came back.
The girls who waited for them died,
and those who didn't wait married
the other fellows. and wished after
ward they we're dead.
Does death end ail9 Not in New
York if there's any money in the dear
deceased. After death there's the
judgment OF the Probate Court, and
the disconnected heirs, and the broken
will, and the lawyers, and the mourn
ers mourning about the streets be.
cause he bequeathed O few thousand
to charitable society.
Said the Probate Court stenoeraph-
er OF this city to me recently: II
have been outraged. A villainous
thing was done to me to-day in open
court. The dissatisfied heirs who had
got ready to contest the will of rich
relative have by some mysterious
means become satisfied. They in.
structed their lawyers to withdraw OBJ
jections. A squad of lawyers to-day
withdrew them and lam out of pocket
in prospective fees at least two mil.
ions of doliars-two millions OF dol
lars sir. You know that Probate
Court Stenographers never work for
less than thousand dollars an hour.
You know how they all build towns
and buy railroads. l never saw such
an outrage in all my long experience
OF mortuary Jurisprudence"
Funerals are very unconsoling Of
fairs. The minister says something,
but it is never very satisfactory. No
one at funeral seems to enjoy him.
self but the undertaken. He has got
something to occupy his mind, to say
nothing OF the bill.
I've seen attempts made here by
the skeptics who try hard not to be-
lieve in anything, to make the funeral
of one of their fraternity lively and
cheerful. But they turn out just as
dismal failures as the rest. Then
speakers will get up and say: "This
is the last of our brother. He Is gone
out entirely. He is anihilated. His
body is dead and so is his soul, and
will your soul be and mine after we're
dead" And everybody then goes
home fuller of gloom than ever; and
those who dare, take a big drink to
wash out the recollection of the
whole affair. Those who dare not
drink. and live entirely on vegetables,
get their little excitement by writing
articles "to prove that we're all can.
dies eternally snuffed out by DEATH"
which they give to their friends to
read. saying: Join our misery,
brothers."
Our graveyards have become artifi.
cial stone quarries. We rate q mans
worth by the tons of stone we put
over him. If at the last day thegraves
do break open, the tall monuments in
Cavalry and Greenwood cemeteries
will 60 rattling and tumbling over
each other like run OF bricks.
In my boyhood days death and
deaJhbed scenes were the staple arti-
cles for conversation at the breakfast
table-the intellectual relish of win
ter's griddle cake and country sausage.
A funeral was three days business
in a country village where people lived
SO near each other that the sound OF
busy hammers mailing collins up could
be heard over half the place. The
young people got some relief by sitting
up with the corpse, and the old ones
by guessing how much the deceased
left his family around the tobacco
stained stove at the village grocery.
Does death end all? No. When the
rich man dies and is buried It's now
necessary to hire permanently squad
OF detectives to watch the remains.
Rich mems bones have commercial
value in the thieves market, and we
may yet see the current prices quot
ed. The requiescat in pace period is
over. This is progressive world
and when man OF money dies we
have sometimes to make q bogus
grave for people to come and weep
over to keep the body snatchers off
the right scent.
l love graveyards. There's so much
genuine fiction on some OF the tomb.
stones. was walking through the
part OF Greenwood the other
Sunday, and the resemblance OF a
and costly street OF sepul,
;hers to row OF small retail stores
Was very striking. OF course it was
The queerest move l ever saw IT.
was at Red Mountain Bar.
Cal, in the winter of '61-62, when it
aimed for sixty odd days, and we
lad commenced making designs for
Noah's arks. The camp graveyar
IN the hillside got so wet that the
whole concern. tombstones and all. |
With the boys who had died with |
heir boots on and those who hadn't,
dipped off the ledge and slid into
Bloody Bills back yard, ramjam
against his back door. The thing |
vas done so neatly that not corpse
vas disturbed, and 81 Putnam's
looked in at Bills back |
Bill was mad. and wanted |
% hydraulic the lot of, but the boys
wouldn't let him.