News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-08-23
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
SOME OF THE BEST SAYINGS BY
HUMOROUS WRITER'S.

A Logical Conclusion Satisfactor!
to the Prosecution-The Prodi
gals Return-Force of Habit-A
sedative, Etc, Etc.
| so TIRED.
Mrs. Ragson welcoming her 1iegt
lord to supper)-Tired, are you? Yor
have been sitting at your ease in the
baseball park all the afternoon, ant
then to tell me you are tired
Mr.. Ragson (meekly)-My dear,
have just been watching our club lose it'
ninth consecutive game. It's enough tc
make any man tired.
IN HOT WEATHER.
Woman Ito tramp)-I don't sec how
| you kin eat in such hot weather.
don't swaller enough to keep a birC
alive.
Tramp quitting away the last morsel)
Madam, poor people have to PIT uE
with great deal.
Woman-I s'pose so. Now can't you
saw little wood?
Tramp (reproachfully)-Madam, il
you think it is too hot to eat, IL is GER
tainly too hot to saw wood-woman is
nothing if not inconsistent. title Epoch.
VICTIM OF CONSCIENCE.
"I am in terror" sighed poor Mrs.
Goodmother, "every time I hear the
bell ring; I know I'll hear something
dreadful about Jack. I'm sure he's
been into some awful mischief"
Io1-
her husband.
'Oh, he came directly home from
school this afternoon, sat down and
studied his lesson for tomorrow for
nearly two hours, and has been as good
as an angel ever since. Dear, dear,
what has that boy been up to, would
like to know ."-Burdette.
FORCE OF HABIT.
Louisiana postmaster (who is assisted
in his duties by his young bridel-Why,
Mary, what are oil these postal cards
doing here2 They should have gone in
the last mail.
Young bride (who was Massachu-
sets schoolmistress)-Oh, [ have just
put them aside until 1 should have time
to correct the spelling.
TALKED OF OTHER THINGS.
eyes" said he, s'life is so lonely
cit is lonely, sometimes she an
swered.
"Wouldn'tit it be sweet to have little
cottage covered with ivy and honey
suckle and rose bushes 2"
"Oh wouldn't it p
"And when a fellow comes home tired
from business, to have q nice little wife
meet him at the door with kiss.
"Y-e-e-s."
"And then the summer nights, the
window open, the sunset just giving
light enough in the cosy parlor, and
vOu-I mean q wife at the piano, sing
ing in the cleaning. 1t would be
lovely"
"I-think- -it-would- -be-nice.
"And then"
At this point a care-worn woman came
around the corner with a pair of twins
in perambulatOr. A dead silence fell
upon the summer air for little. Then
they changed the subject. x christian
Union.
HE DIDN'T STOP.
In a case of assault and battery in the
Police Court the other day the plaintiff
wls asked:
elbow came the defendant to strike
you?"
"Why, he just stopped as we were
passing and hit me-"
"There was no provocat1on?"
"Not the slightest. :"
"You hadn't said anything2"
"Why, yes
ooh, you had ! What had you
said?"
81 told him that could mop the earth
with him, but had been careful not to
Use provoking language!'
''What do you publish paper for, I'd
ike to know?" sarcastically inquired an
rate politician, tackling country edi
5or.
"For So year, in advance" respond
I'd the editor, ''and you owe me for four
years."
SHE STRIKES.
"How does the new girl strike you?'
Isl ed citizen at dinner lately.
"She hasn't struck me yet" answered
lis wife, meekly. "But she has done
Ilmost everything else"
A SUCCESSFUL WAY TO PUT 1T.
"No, Mr.. Smith," she said, gently but
irmly, 81 can never be your wife.
Then he struggled to his feet, and said
n broken tones: care all my hopes to
)e thus dashed to pieces2 Am l never
o be known as the husband of the beau
iful Mrs. Smith?'
This was too much for the girl, and
he succumbed.- d.-Harper'S Bazar.
SHE DID THE BEST SHE KNEW.
MIR. Bullion-What induced you,
Iaria, to tell Lord Bromleigh that our
vase cost "ten stone?" What
10 you mean by ten stone?
Mrs. Bullion-There you go. Always
hiding fault with me. You told me to
dined here, and did. You
ourteen pounds, and am snre the vase
ost GAO" And then Mrs. Bullion
urst into tears over the unreasonable
ess of mankind in general, and Mr..
'ullion in particular.
AMENITIES.
SCcuS, pdI1OI NClUC1 OlCl naval OluCoI
lvited to dinner.
o. N. O.-Ah, Bobby, where's your
arents2
Bob-They'll be down. I knew you
as coming.
0. n. O.-HOw so? I,
Bob-I heard ma say to pa: eve are
ut of salt; buy some new stock And
Q said: "Bah! we're going to have old
lit for dinner" Lend me ten cents.
HAPPY DISPOSITION.
"Father has such happy disposition
[r. Sampson, she said as the front gate
ahmed and the old man came up the .
ak. 'Do you hear him whistling?"
eyes, responded Mr. Sampson, nerv-
lsly, ''and the chances are that he will
'ouse the dog"
SATISFACTORY TO THE PROSECUTION.
Prosecuting Attorney (selecting
ry)-Isn't the prisoner a relative of t
ours?
Juror-No, sir; he is relative of my
ife's.
Prosecuting Attorney-Your Honor, h
e prosecution accepts this gentleman. t
THE PARADE. r
Mona had always lived in a country
WI, and in her mind, parades and I