Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-05-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

Fogg says he loves to go into So
ciety, for he always sees there so many
fools that he returns home with quite
a good opinion of himself. Boston
TRANSCRIPT.
Husband-I never saw a woman so
hard to please as you are, my dear.
Wife (calmly)-I am not so sure about
that John. | married you, you know
-New York Sun.
Many a man who thinks he bears a
great enterprise on his shoulders is
simply round-shouldered from carry
ing large load of self-conceit.-S
and Leather Reporter.
Blobson (the morning after the club
banqueD-s'Well, Dumpsey, how did
you come out last night?" Dumpsey-
Give US hard one. Ask me how
got in. y Burlington Free Press.
Magistrate (to witness)-Do you
know the nature of an oath, Uncle
Rastus? Uncle Rastus I reckon /
,toes, yo' Honah. Ise owned a balky
mule for foahteen ya.'-Nea0 York Sun.
1t is in the highest degree improper
and unjust to ridicule a man on ac-
count of his small stature. Because
he happens to be little it isn't right to
belittle him. Shoe and Leather Re
porter
Six species of North American birds
have become extinct in the last ten
years. They were probably mixed up
in some sort of pot-pie affair when
they made their exit.-RocheSter Post
EIpreSS.
The original elements are earth, air,
fire, and water. Fire is the most de-
structive and water is the most power
full Fire-water, therefore, forms a
combination that is a teaser.-Bing-
hampton Leader.
The New Haven newspapers are adj
Vertising an exhibition of old mas
tiers" in that city. Probably the
senior members of the Yale faculty
form the nucleus of the collection
Washington Star.
Minister'S wife (to husband) VIII
you put up the parlor stove to-day,
dearP Minister (vexatiously)-I sup
pose | will have to. Wife-And don't
forget. John, that you are minister
of the Gospel. Harper's Bazar.
Tobacconist customer-The figure
of the Indian is all right and true to
nature, but | don't understand why
you put that bottle of rum in his hand
Sign Reckon you've never
seen living injun, boss.-IId- BITS.
just as the spring poet timidly
opened the sanctum the telegraph ed
itor, who was filling in a dispatch,
SAID TO the chief: "Shall | put big
head on it?" Then the building shook
as the spring poet FASTENED down
stairs.-Ihe Epoch
DE Sappy, ole fel, what are all
these TWISTS we wead about in the
papGrs?' ''Must be some big credit
you don't say. | nope spwing suit
twust Will be started, doncher know"
-Ptts6urg Chronicle.
Miss Churchman-''O yes, l always
deny myself in Lent | give up cards,
music, frivolous reading, and unedi-
flying conversation. Now, what do
you give up? Mr.. Mundane (rehect-
iYely)-''I think I'll give up calling
here. accident NelOS.
George" asked the teacher of a
Sunday-school class, ''whom, above
all others, shall you wish to see when
you get to Heaven" With a face
Frightening up with anticipation the
little fellow shouted: 'Gerliahr'-Bos-
ton Christian Register.
A swinging sign in front of Chi
cago store bears the legend, Truth
Spoken Here" Being in Chicago it
attracts great deal of attention.
Some night the boys will be putting it
in front of a lawyers office for joke.
-NcU Orleans Ptcayane.
"Yes," said a north Pearl street
clerk to-day. q was broken all up
by IN ice gorge right here last Au-
gust 1t was an ice-cream gorge my
regular girl INDUCED in, and cost me
$1.75. l was in melting mood, and
paid it. "-Al6Gny Journal
Little pitcher (to visitor)-'Mrs.
Smith, be you almost blind?" Blind?
Why, what put that into your heada"
mamma said you couldn't read fig
ures. +" Couldn't read figures"
Eyes; she said you'd never see 40
again. boston Transcript.
Now that the theatrical season is
drawing to Il close. fashion journals
make the announcement that the
in the crown than during the winter
This is what we should call the infer
nal unfitness of things.-Norristown
Herald.
A minister of the gospel in Louisiana
having been asked to become candi-
date for the legislature gives several
reasons for declining to run, one of
which is that he fears politics would
take from him much of his religious
comfort and make death hard. Hart
ford Religious Herald.
See, father" said son. with the
proud consciousness of duty done, Il
have saved $500 from my years allow
ance." Good" exclaimed the old
man; you are wise young fellow,
Charley" Yes. father; and l wish
YOU would add $500 to it, I've got to
pay some debts. The Epoch.
"Dairyman-"Got any dairy farms
few acres which might do for one. y
'.Grass on it?" mo, nothing but
clay" ''Humph! Hasn't it even been
cultivated?' mo, 1t used to be a
brickyard." "What is there on it,
anything at all?7 1T has a never
failing spring. ''I'n take it,
Omaha World
DR.. Lewis Swift director, of the
Warner Observatory ut Rochester,
states that the comet of 1913 had tai
100000 miles long. 1t is such
statistics as this that tend to reconcile
man who is prone to step on ladies
o.ownS To the len 10Th of tho d,,o,vin sr