News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-12-27
THE JOKERS' BUDGET.
A BATCH OF HUMOROUS YARNS
FOUND IN OUR EXCHANGES.
The Robber-Not a Guest-Ehe Rea-
son Why-A Large Job-Shc
Scared Him, Etc, Etc.

son Why-A Large Job-ShC
Scared Him, Etc, Etc.
THE ROBBER.
| They made noise at the gate that nj III,
| 1t woke the old man from his sleep upstairs,
"Ah la !" he laughed, as he struck light,
| ''I'Il take you, my burglar unawares."
But though he searched every Granny and
Not trace of the thief he found to slaugh-
Tor the only thing that the burglar stole
Was Z kiss from the lips of the old mans
| dauShter.-JudJe.
NOT GUEST.
care yon glest OF this house," ask
ed the clerk at the cigar stand Of a travel
ing man.
ga what I"
ga guest"
| "Oh, no; not at all. am simply per-
mitted to live here-tolerated at the rate
of 81 per day."-Merchant Irareler.
THE REASON WHY.
Glow is it, young man," he said,
"that you can make three thousand dol
| 1u1o OuA bhoCDd1l, Nui1C u
| college professor, can only make two
! thousand ?"
"Well, J. don't know, sir" was the re-
| ply. 81 s'pose mans intelligence gen
orally governs such matters"
LARGE JOB.
| The man who wants to reform the world
or a billion souls, can guess OF the labor,
| If he'll begin in very small way,
And try to reform his neighbor.
| HAD BEEN PRESENTED.
"Were you presented at Court whilo
IN London!" asked young society lady
of n gentleman visitor.
sob, yes, several tines" he answered
| promptly.
cit was very nice, wasn't it?" sho con-
| tinued
"Well, no; I didn't care about it much.
Thirty days is rather stiff sentence,
you know" Now they never speak as
they pass by.
SHE SCARED HIM.
Miss Shadyside-How bored that poor i
Mr.. Jonesy looks with that frivolous
young thing he is with. / can always
tell when gentleman is bored.
Mr.. Tiredtodeath with guilty start) |
Bless my soul, you don't say so!-Ier-
as SJttngs.
AN UNEXPECTED REPLY.
"And now, children" remarked the
Sunday-school superintendent, "what
happened to those wicked people who
reviled Noah and refused to heed his
warning? Where did they find them
selves when the flood Gamer"
''In dc soup!" exclaimed q class of
newspaper boys on the back seat with
one voice. - Chicago Tribune.
HIS TWO WATCHES.
Gus-DO you carry twa T0tches, /
Jack, or is that double chain bluff?
Jack-No bluff, Gus. / carry
Waterbury in one pocket and q Jurgen |
sen in the other.
Gus-Whats that for?
Jack-When a man to whom I owe |
money asks me the time I consult my
Waterbury, but when a stranger or n
lady wants the same information, it's the |
Jurgensen that gives it, and don't you
forget it.-EpOch.
THE UNCERTAINTIES OF LIFE.
Patient (to young physician)-You !
say, doctor, that l am we'll now, and i
that no further danger is to be ex
pected?
Physician-I apprehend none, sir;
but life is uncertain.
Patient-Perhaps I had better pay
your bill now.
Physician-Well, yes, sir, it might be
as we'll; as have said, life is very un-
certain.
Young Hopeful-Papa, the prefix
''trans" means across, doesn't it2
Old Hopeful (delightedly)-Yes, my
son; rs in transatlantic, which means |
across the Atlantic.
THOUGHT HE MUST HAVE GILLs.
Little Pitcher-Have you got gills,
Mr. Green?
Mr.. Green-No, my boy; what put
that into your head.
Little Nothing; only heard !
pa tell ma you drank like fish and l !
thought you must have gills.-Minne-
apOEts Tribune.
NOT BORROWING TROUBLE.
Wife tounhappy husband)- II wouldn't
worry, John, it doesn't do any good to
borrow trouble.
Husband-Borrow trouble Great
Caesar! amt borrowing trouble; I've
got it to loan.
THE GODDESS OF WISDOM.
Governess (to little Miss Ethel, who
is making famous progress in mytholo-
gy)-Now Ethel, what do you know of
Minerva2
Wisdom; she never married. -IO,cR Top
icS.
NOTHING IF NOT METHoDICAL.
In court room o lawyer had ex-
hausted all the arguments he could
think of to save his clients life. At last
he concluded:
Gentlemen of the jury you have be-
fore you no hardened criminal, but n
man of method and order. Scarcely
had no chopped up his unfortunate
wife, when he was seized with pang
of remorse, and began to-count the
pieces. "-Tinaes.
THOUGHT THEY CAME TOGETHER.
Young Wife-Haven't I heard you
say, James, that you are fond of ham,
Young Husband-Yes; ham and eggs.
Young Wife-Well, if you will stop
at the market and order about two
pounds of ham and eggs well have it for
dinner.-Judge.
THE REAL DIFFICULTY.
Clarke-I see, my dear, that several
of the newspapers are printing direc
tions for getting up dollar dinner for
four.
Mrs. Clarke-Yes, John; but the diff
ficulty is to get such dinner dolon.
ON ART BUSINESS.
Young Artist Ito clerk)-I desire to
see Mr.. Wabash on an important matter
connected with tho coming exhibition
of paintings. understand he is Chair
man of the Art Committee.
Clerk-Yes, sir. Just at present he is
mp in the slaughtering department; he
will return shortly, or you can go up
stairs and see him there Our hog re-
ceipts to-day were very large.
Young Artist QNintly)-I think I'll
wait here.