Omaha daily bee., 1888-05-20
O

A woman can drive a bargain, we know,
With lots of assurance and gall,
But when she comes down to a hen or a nail,
Why, she simply can't drive them ct all.
The birds are singing in the trees,
And all the world is glad;
The roses blush In every breeze
oh where's your liver pad!
Who uses but a pair of bellows
Whene'er he blows into a gun,
Will never Join the ranks of fellows
Who use their mouths and miss much fun.
When lovely woman buys a polly.
Which she designs shall talk and pray,
How shocked is she and melancholy
To find the parrot swears all day.
Englishmen often write about Queen Vic
torla, even If she is not a subject.
Figures don't lie, but they have been
kno wn to make men lie or go to Canada.
Many a crack pitcher has been spoiled by a
cracked pitcher-of the 'growler' variety.
There is every reason to believe that the
key to I~gnatius Donnelly's cryptogram is
brass.
The person who has the least mind is the
one most anxious to give you a piece of it, as
a rule. u
Strawberry boxes are selling ct 90 cents a
quart. If you return the berries you get a
rebate.
Mrs. Emily G. Gallagher, of Sioux Rapids,
has applied for a divorce. 4 Let her go, Gal
lagher. .t,.7
A spirit trust was formed in New York yes
terday, but Ann O'Delia Diss De Bal was not
admitted.
DIR. Mary Walker spent the first money re-
celved from her increased pension in buying
a trousers stretcher.
Why are mosquitoes the most religious of
~insects' Because they first sing over you
and then prey on you.
Wife-George, do the 'Amoridan Indians
always travel in single file? Husband-I
never saw but one, and he,dld.
The Topsy of an sUncle TOMS Cabin'
troupe died recently and bequeathed her
body to the doctors. Autopsy!
There are rumors of a Panslavist uprising
in Russia. The cooks must be on a strike.
They are certainly pan-slavists.
A correspondent asks the burial place of
Ham. There is a town in Indiana called
Sandwich. Perhaps this is the place.
''Does cigarette smoking affect the brain2'
Can't say, Albert; there have never been
any experiments with that combination.
A man may be truthful in everything else,
but he always played a better game of bill
lizards several years ago than he does now.
Teacher-Sammy, why do you write your
name S.. Smith, Marcheri Sammy-Why,
cause pa writes his J. Smith, Junior. l was
born in March.
We have breweries, wineries and cream
cries, and why can't we have stoveries,
painteries, obstetrics and lots of other good
things as well!
President Eliot, Of Harvard, doesn't be-
lieve in women's lecturing to young men.
The young men will nave to come to it sooner
or later, however.
In some places the performance by troupe
of female MINISTRIES and the adjournment of
the city council for the lack of a quorum is
called q coincidence"
Oscar Wilde declares that no married man
can become a dude. 1t is also true that the
average dude finds considerable difficulty in
becoming q married man.
Sometimes it almost seems as il the reason
the church steeple points heavenward so per-
sistently is because it is trying to distract
attention from the debt beneath it.
A youthful applicant for graduation, on be.
ing asked the other day, What does history
teach 4" answered, THAT the United States
has never been whipped and never will be-"
1t is said that Tennyson sometimes spends
single line in the twinkling of an eye; it is
the second line that exhausts our poetic gen
Jus.
The Detroit Free Press says that every cir
Gus in the country mas to renew its stock of
serpents each year. That's where the man
with the delirum tremens has the bulge on
the circuseS.
'If 1t were customary in this country to
confer titles upon men who rank in lltera-
ture, what would / BET" asked a conceited
journalist of his senior. Sharon of Ideas, 4"
was the terse reply.
Some of the southern states want a postal
rule prohibiting a colOred man from calling
at the postoffice over six times q day. The
present average is nine, with a disposition TO
go two or three better.
s'One thing, Marla,' said the tarred and
feathered gentleman, as his wife was pluck
-. A.. neta, tho faofttyitinC ksfhn tor nfp1t
no special use; but there's most a dollars
worth of feathers on me-
Visitor (who expects to stay to dinner)-
Do you think, really, that II is a bad omen
when there are thirteen at the tablet Mrs.
Brown Qandlady)-Yes, If there's only
victuals enough for twelve.
A sign on the store or a Toccao, Ga, mer-
chants reads: clamps fixed, razors honed,
fresh oysters, Vienna bread and tombstones. I"
On an emergency he would probably write a
spring poem or build a tarif bill.
"Another big wash out on our line !'' ex-
helpmeet, pointing to the string of whitened
clothes which stretched from their back
window to q house across tRe way.
First Burglar Bill, the Jig Is up. No
| cracking that bank tonight, Second Burg
lar-Wot's the matter detectives onto us!
First Burglar-No; ] saw the president and
cashier buyin' tickets for Montreal this
mornin.'
A North Carolina bank has been wrecked
by the president and cashier. 1t must have
been a pretty solid institution to require the
efforts of two men to break it. Ordinarily a
cashier can clean things out without any as
slstance from outsiders.
Woman TO tramp)-And il l give YOU a
| nice plate of hash you promise TO saw some
| wood! Tramp-Yes'm. Woman (doubtfully)
I don't know whether | can put confidence
in you or not. Tramp (reproachfully)-You
| N uoht M maiam,T have cOnhdenea annuph
in you to eat the hash.
1t is rumored that ladies of good manners
] no LONGER kiss each other in public. For
| years past we have felt that the time would
| come when the woman who ached TO kiss
one Of her sex would beckon her out behind
OF both, aud now the date is here.