News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-10-18
THOSE JOKING STORIES.
HUMOROUS ITEMS CLEANED
FROM THE PAPERS.

| 1hOCII COAINO ~ IO1l1LD'
HUMOROUS ITEMS CLEANED
FROM THE PAPERS.
Up in Maine-Explained It-A Mean
Thing-A Fine Opening-End of
the Season, Ftc., Etc.
WHAT MADE THE BOY MAD.
Hardly closer their heads could be bent if
'twere tried;
''Pweep Pweep! Pweep!"
4 The dickey bird sat in the window outside:
'Pweep! Pweep! Pweep!'
And the small boy in hiding the sofa beneath,
C1enched his teeth in hissanger and gritted his
teeth,
For he couldn't determine if lovers or bird
We're making the comical sound that he heard:
'Pweep! Pweep! Pweep"
Chicago NAL.
FINE OPENING.
One legged Man-Say, boss, can't y-A-
do something for an unfortunate GRIP
pie?
Gent-Yes, let me give you piece of
advice Sail into politics. Now's your
chance. iOne-legged orators are always
successful on the stump. You can get
fifty dollars speech from either of the
campaign committees. .-Teras SJttng8.
AT THE VERY END OF THE SEASON.
| He-I've been trying to tear myself
away for q week, but these autumn
breezes are awfully enticing.
She-How very funny! 1 heard papa
say, yesterday, he couldn't raise wind
enough to get away on to save his life.
CHICKEN FOR THAT DINNER.
Visitor Ito convict Why, what
brought you here, Uncle Rastus2
Uncle Rastus -'Cessive hospitality,
sab.
Visitor-Excessive hospitalityf
Uncle Rastus-Yes, sah Yr see, sab,
I invited the minister to Sunday din
ner, an when L got home late Saturday
night de ole 'ooman 'fo'med me dat dar
warnt chicken in de house an de sto's
was all closd.
PREVENTING A FAMINE.
A missionary writes from the Feeiee
Islands rs follows:
"Our small force of brethren seems to
be absolutely unable to cope with the
distress which prevails in this dark and
! benighted land. Many of the natives
are starving for food. Please send at
once a few more missionaries. .-Ne,0
| York Sun.
GOT ON THE INSIDE.
Friend-I don't helr of you making
any more speeches against the Trusts,
Boomly.
Boomly-You bet you don't. I've
been elected President Of one.
SPEAK, oH SPEAK
Fat Widow-Doctor, want you to
answer my question candidly.
Doctor-Certainly my dear madame.
Well, am in love, or have only got
fatty degeneration of the heart?
WHAT MADE HIM MADDER.
Soon they snatched the young wretch from his
cosy retreat;
''Swipe! Swash! SwankI"
He got about ten on his upholstered seat:
''Swipe Swash Swauk!'
And the small boy soon learned to his INFINITE
mat lis Dig sister had q most muscular beau,
And he felt quite assured twas a man, not n
Was making the terrible sound that he heard:
"Swipe Swash Swank I"
Minneapolis Tribune
A BOSTON CHILD.
Our little boy, years old, was sent
to school last week for the first time, and
on his return home asked his papa:
''Who taught the first man his let
tersa"
AN UNKNOWN SPECIES.
New Governess-Now, my dear, in
what geological classification would you
place man.
Pretty Girl-Man2
eyes; don't you know what man
is?"
"No, ma'am. I been spending my
winters in convent and my summers
at seaside resorts. ."-PhilGdelphiG Re
cord.
LIMITS TO HIS AMBITION.
Bobby was i'll. Mamma" he asked
YEARLY one day, "will I get well
again 2"
eyes, darling" replied the mother,
"you will soon be well again, and grow
up to be big man.
Silence for one minute. Mamma,
he asked earnestly, ''wiIl be as big as
Uncle Dicka"
"Yes, my dear"
"Then [ guess" he continued
thoughtfully, "Td rather die"
NOT IN THE BEST TRIM.
Mr.. Benson-How many watermelons
do YOU suppose you could eat at one
time, Uncle Zeke?
Uncle Zeke-Dunno Massa Benson.
1 eat fo'teen one night, but ma wife'd
died dat nr AFTERNOON, an Uncle Zeke
warn't in fust-class c'ndition.
MEAN THING.
"What is Georges last name, Eta "
asked the little sister one morning at the
breakfast table.
"Simpson, DEAR" said Eta, with a
becoming blush. "What makes you
ask 2"
"Oh, nothing" said the little sister,
carelessly, "only l was listening outside
the parlor door when he was here last
night, and l thought from what 1 heard
you say to him all the time that it might
be Don't"
FORGOTTEN MUCH OF IT.
Miss Waldo. of Boston, and young
Mr. Wabash, of Chicago, were discussing
literature, and as he allowed her to do
all the talking, he was getting on
famously.
"You have read 'The Quick or the
Deadf Of course, Mr.. Wabash?" she
said.
''Oh, yes, he replied, "but very much
of it has escaped my mind. 1t must be
ten years now since / read it. ="
WAS ACQUAINTED WITH IT.
Examining Doctor of Divinity (to
candidate for orders You are thorough |
ly familiar with the Bible, of course
Candidate-Yes, sir; l acted as book |
agent in the vacations, and took orders |
for large number. -Drahe'S IHdgazjne.
HE WAS NOT OPAQUE.
She lat the Concert) to man who is |
standing up and Obstructing her view of |
the great conductor. Sit down, sir. |
you are not Opaque.
Man-No, mum; Ohm O'Reilly.
HIS FIRST OFFENCE.
Miss Gotham Ito Mr.. Wabash, recent
ly returned from abroad)-I suppose
you were at court while in London, Mr. |
Wabash?
Mr.. Wabash uneasily) Weller
yes, Miss Gotham; but only once, and
then 1 got off with q merely nominal
fine.
KNEW WHAT HE WAS.
''Did you see any Quakers in Phila-
delphia 2" was asked of Detrolter who