Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1888-01-06
AN DYL OF THE RAILROAD.
Bob Burdette on Baggage, Bag
gage-Smashing and Baggage
Smashers.
Tie Only Trunk That Ever Delled
Smas Iing-The Smasher's Gifts
and Powers.

The life Of a joke is long, and the art
Of getting to Canada safely is feeting,
but ali the days of the trunk are num-
bered- The fragile pitcher that goeth
often to the fountain is broken at last,
but the iron-bOund trunk, with sole
leather sides and ribs OF oak, gets both
ends smashed in on the first trip. The
art Of trunk-making and trunk-smash-
ing is coevaL When the first trunk
was made, the same record tells rs that
the first trunk was smashed. And since
that far away day, ages back in the
misty past, the history Of trunk-making
and embarrassing has gone hand in
hand; it has been written in interviewed
volumes, Children Of men, exclaimed
Ben. Solelsather Chilled Steel, AZ
have made a trunk that viii laugh to
scorn the gnaWing tooth Of time. 80,
race Of mOrtals," cried silva the De-
strOyer, al have perfected a maui with
a four-foot handle that viii break
through the crust of the rock ribbed
earth" From the maui, assisted by
Mr.. Darwin and other eminent evolu-
ton fakirs, the Destroyer evolved the
Baggage Smasher, a cross between a
Steam hammer and stump extractor.
From that time two great problems
mankind. The one, to produce an in
destructible trunk; the other, to evolve
a force that Will make kindling-woOd of
the indestructible; to construct that
which shall be all resistant aud to
evolve that which shall be irresistible.
When the Baggage-Smasher was
evolved in the fullness Of his destructive
powers, the gods were so pleased with
him that each one endowed him with a
special gift. Venus gave him the power
to smash the hearts of the waiter Indies,
50 that he might always get his dinner
first, although the hungry passengers
might vainly shrek their orders IN
voices rendered harsh and shrill by
starvation. and weigh their quarter
-tips" against the Destroyer's smiles.
Vulcan gave to his arms the restless
swing Of the sledge-hammer, and to his
massive chest the resting power of the
anvil, 50 that whether he pitched or
caught, whatever he touched, or what
ever touched him might be broken.
Minerva gave him wisdom, so that he
might tell, by running his eve over il,
the weakest corner Of stubborn trunk.
Apollo taught him TO tell the truth on
the bias, 30 that he might stand beside
the CHASTITY fragments of a wrecked and
splintered Saratoga, and lay his hand
on his callOus heart and calmly say that
that trunk was that way when it was
put IN his car" Mars taught him to
fight, that he might knock out the
bowling passenger who sought to re-
dress the wrongs of his baggage with
force and arms And Jove gave him a
voice Of thunder aud a regal bearing
with which 20 alright the wary com
mercial traveller who might seek most
fhrTfkfIr 70 aIraH1a the hn7raa Nth krrr
tons Of extra baggage, while he paid for
800 pounds. And thus equipped, they
sent him forth to make life a burden to
all travelling folks.
Under the rule of the DESTROYER, the
life Of a trunk follows the earth in one
revolution around the sun. 1t, the
trunk, starts out in the vigor of sole
leather oak ribs, wrought nails, and
strong rivets, when the wind-hOwers,
called out by the smiles of spring. deck
the sheltered glens with starry beauty
it loses a caster or two when the apple
buds are pink, and casts a shoe in early
June. The scythes are swinging in the
hay harvest when it throws both ham
dies, and when the leaves begin to turn,
it comes back from the mountains
bound with many strong ropes, which
the Destroyer keeps always on hand at
y
time, that trunks own mother wouldn't
know it, and when the robins nest
lgain, it Is a trunk only in name. True,
a trunk may last several years, if you
only make a thirty five mile trip once
in three years, to visit your grand par
ents, and you make the whole trip
there and back in a farm wagon lined
with straw, and sit upon your trunk all
the way going and coming, and handle
it as tenderly as though it were an egg
Of the renaissance every time you move
it. But that, gentle reader (by which
phrase 1 mean guileiess imbecile), isn't
Just what is meant in these days by
travelling. On the average, the trunE
of the commercial traveller, the actor
the lecturer, or any professional wan
derer, is marked "B. O.-shops" ut the
end Of the first year. At the close of
the second it goes TO the scrap heap,
and is trodden under foot Of the rag
picker.
It is a mistaken idea that light bag
gage receives the least injury, because
il is SO much more easily handled. I
have tried ali sorts, and my experience
is that light baggage fares worse, be-
cause the Destroyer can throw it fur
ther. He is rather tender with the han
if they pull out he has nothing to catch
hold OF but the small round iron Jumps
and the riyet heads, which afford him
no grip at all. But in the case Of the
little, modest lightweight trunk, the
champion pulls the handles out for fun,
because he has no use for them, any
how; he throws that trunk like a foot
ball
A bright and gifted Iowa woman, Ma
tllda Fletcher, some years ago invented
q safety trunk. 1t was a perfect cylin-
der, rounded at one end and fiat ct the
other. SO you see, it always had to
stand on the fat end in q secure cor
ner OF the car. 1t had to be carefully
sustained IN position, because If it fell
down it would roll across the car and
break the Destroyer's legs. He couldn't
toss 1t up on top Of a high pile Of bag
gage, because IL would then roll Of and
break his neck. He couldn't pile any
baggage on top Of it. because nothing
would stay on the rounded end. Thus
It was always where its owner could get
at It For the same reason it had to be
wheeled around on a truck all by itself
IL was made without handles, 50 that
the destroyer had to handle It with
great care. If he rolled, tilt received no
HARM butt would roll in tanEsnts and
get away from him, and cause him no
end of trouble. BE had to hug it M IN
his arms and carry it into the car as
though it was q three-year-old baby. 1t
was a perfect success, but II looked 80
much ike an oVergroWn dynamite
bomb that everybody was afraid Of It,