The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1888-08-25
GROCERY GROSSNESS.
a Comedy Drama in One Act
Taken from Real Life.

a Comedy Drama in One Act
Taken from Real Life.
Dramatis Personse: Mrs. Owebill, Regu-
lar Customers; Miss Oldstoclk, He1 Sis
ter; MIR. Dunmore, a Meek and
Long-Suffering Grocer.
Mrs. o. Cooking about)-Now what in
the wcrld shall get for supper? Let me
see, how would some baked apple dump
ings do, dear?
Miss Dust the thing, should say.
Mrs. Dwell, let's look at the apples.
Have you any choice apples, Mr.. Dunmore?
MIR. D.--Yes'm, here are some Of the finest,
fifty cents peck; how many will: you have?
Mrs. D. eating one)-Wen (munch-
munch>, hardly, know (munch-lnunch),
guess they're too dear (munch munch),
think will look at some Goldfish. Have you
any real nice homeless cod?
Mr. D.-Einest in the market, ma'am;
here are the goods.
Mrs. O.-What do you think of some
picked up fish for tea, dear?
Miss O.-Good as any thing, I should
think (tasting), this is nice fish.
Mrs. OBTAINING off strip.} So it is;
(chew-chew) how DO you sell this, Mr.. Dun
moro! (Chew-chew.)
Mr.. D.-That IS something extra, ma'am,
twenty cents pound.
Mrs. O.-{Still chewing.) Oh! Chew
chew how exorbi!ant! {chew-chew) can't
think of paying that (chew-chaw). I guess
will take some raisins and have a rice pud-
ding. Let me see some raisins, please.
Mr. D.--Here are some extra London
layers, maam; line lot, eighteen cents
only.
Mrs. O. eating spray)-They are nice,
amt they deara
Miss o. .(also eating )-Yum-yum yes, very
nice indeed.
Ms. O.-You may (gluck- glucl} send me
pound Of those, please. Now then (gluck-
gluclz), want some crackers. Have you
any that's good, MIR. Dunmore2
Mr., D.-Xes, ma'am; here are some fine
soda waters, fifteen pound.
Mrs. 0. (taking one)-Ffteen centsi
Dear me (crack-cracl), how high they are;
(crack-crack) well, must have a pound Of
them Try them, dear (crack-crack); do
you like them?
Miss O. (sampling them)-Yes <crack.
crack crack, they'll do.
Mrs. O-Some cheese would be nice
Miss O.-Yes, with the crackers
Mr.. D.-This is new lot, ladies, choice,
mild, and only twenty cents q pound
Mrs. O. (sicing off quarter section)-"
1t looks nice (chomp-chomp}; yes, that Is
nice; but twenty cents q pound {chomp-
chomp)! Amt that rather steep for caeese7
Mr.. Doh! not at all, nla'am, not at all
steep. You can't duplicate this in town.
Mrs. O.-What do you thinl, my dear;
would you like some cheese
Miss O. (helping hersel)-Yes, I think SO;
and this is (smack-smack just delicious
{smack-smack) but it's too high.
Mrs. o, (chomp-chomp)-- Yes, indeed,
| but (chomp-chomp), We'll take half
pound of it any way.
thousands.
Mrs O-Have you any nice butter, Mr..
Mr.. D.-Plenty Of it; gilt edge, extra
creamery, forty cents, ma'am
Mrs. O.-Forty cents Oh! oh! why do we
have to eat butter. And suppose it's but
terine, too. Dolly, can you tell good butter?
Miss O.-Yes, of course ! can. Let me
taste it (scooping out big piece with the
cheese knife): that's good, pretty good, any
way.
Mrs. o. (tasting)-Y-e-e-s, but I don't
like the flavor. Show me some other,
please.
Mr.. D.-Here is some not quite so good,
though it's not so bad at thirty five, ma'am.
Mrs. .. (ick-lick)-Not so bada goodness!
that's strong enough to do Homework
(tew-tew). No, guess won't take any but
ter. but you may send some fresh eggs, if
you have any real nice fresh ones. Let me
see, well, send me dozen, please. Is there
any thing else, Dolly?
Mr.. D. {sotto yoce)-Wonder she doesn't
want to taste these eggs.
Miss O.-Nothing else that know Of,
Mrs. OIL guess that's all, Please send
them right up, Mr.. Dun,nore. Oh, yes!
there's pickles. What kinds have yous
MIR. D.-Girkins, caulidower, onions, chow
chow, pigs feet and tripe, na'am.
Mrs. O.--What kind do you like, Dolly?
Miss O.-The onions are my farorite, l
think, but like chow-chow as well.
Mrs. Dwell, let us see the chow chow,
please; think we will take some of that,
Nh. D.-There it is, ma'am, fresh and
clean; in bulk or by the bottle.
Mrs. O. {tasting}-I don't fancy that
much, dear; taste it and see how you like it.
Miss O. (picking out a chunk OF caul-
hower)-Oh, it's real nice, it's got lots Of
caulidower in it. Let's get some.
Mrs. Dwell, let me see. How do you
sell it, Mr.. Dun1nore?
Mr.. D.-Thirty quart, ma'am.
Mrs O.-Thirty. Well, you may send me
pint Now, then, think that is all
Please send up the things at once, and MI.
Owebiu will call and settle. exit ladies.)
Mr.. D. [plunging the cheese knife into
a comely keg Of oleomargarine, and thrust
ing his arms knee-deep into his trousers
pockets}-Well, dog my granny'sN cats
That's cool enough to give fellow bad
cold. Mr. Owebill viii call and settle, will
he! Well, if he does, I'll be apt to find it
out, and joyfully surprised in the bargain.
Mr.. Owebill, if am not mistaken hasn't
had touch of remorse since the collectors
dun horse and wagon made him call, and if
amt greatly mistaken he will have doc
tors bill to Jungle up when those apples
raisins, cheese, Goldfish, pickles and things
begin to get more familiar with their sur
roundings. Great grief! but some people
are indurable. Them that pay as they go
are particular, but them that tick as they
go are exacting. Alack-aday, if it amt the
! people themselves it's their horrid ways;
but it'll all come out in the wash, suppose
| --Ffank B. We1ch, in P,iladelp7ssa Grocer.
The Farmers Wife.
Many farmer wife tolls on through the
passing years without rest or recreation
|