Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Helena, Montana, Thursday, February 2, 1888.
THE GERMAN BARBER,
He Wakes Inquisitive, Has a Fight am
Wins the Day.

He Wakes Inquisitive, Has Fight ant
Wins the Day.
"You vos commercial draffler. eh?'
"No."
The assistant to the German barber wa:
the one who asked the question, addressing il
to slender but middle aged man in the chail
at which he earned his far from monotonou.
way through life. He had shaved this Gus
toner two or three times before, and was
endeavoring to find out all about him, as al
BARRIERS always have done when their curl
osity was up and their man was down and
lathered and well tucked in.
''Oh, you're choost CLERK by sdore, ehp
mo; shave up whin you git to me neck
Me neck is tinder."
"Certently; know dot. Maybe you peen
in der igger peezness. Veil, dots a fine
peezness, ban ticker uf you got good
shtand. know a trent of mine from der
same village where l vos born, und he
got'-
me frind, Dim not in the saloon trade at
all, and SO ye're joost wastin' yer breath.
Alsy wild your razor on me chin"
"All rigid; you keeb your peezness by
yourselluf. i choost like to make mineselluf
bolite NIT you, dots ALL"
AhO JOo was pidCtiCdlly uuiSLcll, tIc dSU
strokes of the brush were being applied, when
'the monkey barber" as the boss always
called him, on account of his foolishness, ex-
hibited loss both of temper and discretion,
owing to the customers reticence.
"Uf you vos ashamed Won your peezness
you done right not to told Something's apowd
dot; vot it vos. A mans got to put Won eye
out und look sharp like der teffle nowadays,
on ackound uf Anthony Gomstocks und In
sbector Villains und der society for der bre-
wention uf cruelty, alretty; bartickler uf he
vos doing crooked peezness, yet"
Thunder and starsln shouted the Gus
toner, literally beside himself and springing
out of the chair. "Fwhat dye name at all,
wild yer slack: Me bizness is me bizness, and
it's not the rights of amy monkey faced,
cracked jawed larrup i7 Dootch divil to
Grass QUESTION me fwhniver he has me laid
out in a chair at his convenience. Me biz
ness, is its It's lickin' the Dootch; that's
fwhat it is. There, now; come ON, now, till 1
polish the flure wild yer headn
'Hop on! Sdop leetlei Wait choost
minute!" said the boss, rushing to the aid of
his assistant. ''Dis dings got to been played
owd. Whoeffer Gcks dot poy must first lick
mineselluf. 1t vos fife year, now, vot effery
bugnacious Irishmans by der city has peen
licking dot poy, und it costs me weeks
wages for substidoot each dime alretty."
''Oi'll lick the two av yer and all yer rela-
tions," said the irate customer. "D'ye think
Oi'll lay shtill and let comic picture from
a Dootch paper walk all over me wild his
tongue
'Chimany cracky' shouted the German
barber, seizing the hot water kettle with its
gallon of boiling contents "a man can't die
more as vonce, alretty. Run, or l boil you
init der kettle. Chakel Why der tickens
don't you do Something's! Kick der stole ofer
und CLIMB by der sdreet und yell like sexty,
Or chump down his troat und carve your way
owd from his boots nit der razor | show
you, you pig loaver."
At the same instant the German barber be-
gan to swing the kettle like madman. The
lifted the great slab of marble of
the table, and both advanced toward the Gus
toner. They were too much for him. He
seized his hat and overcoat and fed, pausing
at the door to hiss something about a lunatic
asylum between his teeth.
When he had gone the German barber
dropped into chair in a paroxysm of
laughter.
''Chake," said he, ''dot's der greatest day
uf my life.-New York Sun.