Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1888-12-05
THE FUNNY PRESS.

ountryman-"Health You bet
| we're healthy. We've got ter be. There
amt doctor within forty miles. -
| Philadelphia Record.
LADY (engaging id)-Have you any
recommendations Maid-None, mum.
| Except me beauty, me luvIy form, and
me knowledge of the Hinglish langvidge.
mot engaeed).-TSme.
McSTREEr-"For gracious sake, old
boy, what are you going to do with that
| old campaign helmet :" Van Avenue
| "Why, won hat from Job Lott on the
| election, and this is what he sent me-
Puck.
They say that Bangor lawyer, noted
| for being absent-minded, went up his
own stairs the other day, and seeing
| notice on his door. "Back at clock"
| sat down to wait for himself. -LeDiston
| Journal.
RICHES take unto themselves wings
and fly away" said the teacher. "What
kind OF riches is meant ?' And the
smart boy at the foot of the class said
| he "reckOned they must be ostriches."
American Poultry Yard.
Mrs. JAsoN-"Jehiel, was there ever
| Mr.. Jason-"What idiotic questions you
! 90 ask How the dickens do know?
never met him." Mrs Jason-"Oh,
know that p'-Terre Haute Express.
CATULLE MENDEs, the most daring of
the erotico- philosophical novelists of
Paris, is by birth Portuguese. He is a
pale, cameo-iaced man, with a warm
and genial manner, and his converse
| ton is as brilliant as his poisonous writ
ings.
SUPT. LAMoN-" Officer o 'Hooligan,
you are charged with having been drunk
and riotous while on duty after mid
night" O'Hooligan-"It's loi, sor,
and | can prove an allyby. Sure an
was aslape at the tonne. Philadelphia
| Times.
STRANGER (at hotel BARI -"Best
| whisky, please" Bartender Severely
This is a prohibition town, SIR"
Stranger-"Ah, excuse me-" Moving
away. Observation-Disclosures Scot, strang-
| er, haven't you got sense enough to get
| sick ?"-Drake's Magazine.
OFFIcE-BoY Ito editor There s mad
old gent outside, sir, wat wants to see
YOU" Editor-"Did he say what he
wanted?' Office-b boy essir; he said
that you printed a poem that his son
writ, an he says he'll have satisfaction
or go to hospital. "-Once Week.
ELsIE-"Yes, dear, my husband is a
doctor and lovely fellow, but be is
| awiully absent-minded. Ada-"In-
deed p Elsie--"Only fancy. During
ring, he felt my pulse and asked me to
hang out my tongue. "-Town Topics.
Mr.. LARDER.-Lucv, who is this man
Milton that | hear you and YOUR ma
speak of? Miss L.--Why, father, don't
you know who Milton was Mr.. L.
haven't been able to learn anything
about him. Miss L.-Where did you
look? Mr.. LIN Bradstreet's. -Anaeri-
can.
DANIEL D. MAGNUM, of Danbury,
Conn.,, is blacksmith who has made a
bid for fame and fortune. He has in
vented a wagon reach so constructed
that the wagon can be turned around
anywhere without the backing process.
His invention is called Magnum bo-
mum.
MYRTLE Florence, is that Fred.
Dumley's handwriting Florence
Eyes, dear; I'm engaged to him, you
know" Myrtle-"Yes, I know it. I
| was engaged to him last summer"
Florence-"The dear boy! 1 wonder
| who will marry him eventually. .
| Cartoon.
OLD ldu ~ Ou SGCm W nave d COlU@
sir Stranger-Yes, madame. Old lady
Well. I'll tell you what to do. Jes' go
home and put your feet in a tub o. hot
| mustard water an Stranger (gruff1y)
That's fine advice to give man with
| a cork leg; now, amt it, Chicago
| america.
METEOROLOGICAL Item.-Miss Bunker
Hill-"Do you have much Indian sum-
mer in Colorado?" Maj. Webster
eyes, we have great deal more Indian
summer than you do here in the East
81 wonder why that is SOP" ''Be-
| cause we have got more Indians, reck-
on. "-Teras SJtings.
FATHER-Hello! Where did you get
all those toys? Son-I bought 'em with
the money you gave me. ''But I gave
you that money to learn you how to
save" eyes, pa, I kept it for three
weeks until | learned all about saving,
| and now / am learning how to shop
PHILADELPHIA Record.
SAVED from going out - Dumley
on MIR. and Mrs. Brown, just as Brown
was beginning to get nervous and
thirsty. "Dumley," he said, winking
rapidly with his left eye, will you ex-
cuse me for moment? ! want to step
out and get a few CIGARS Nonsense"
responded Dumley effnsively. whats
the use of going out for cigar? I've
got half dozen in nv pocket" -Ths
Epoch.
YOU'VE Mr.. Waldo Ito Miss Breezy
"What are your views, Miss Breezy, in
regard to the question, Is Marriage
Failure p" Miss Breezy (of Chicago
"Why, can't speak from experience,
of course, Mr.. Waldo. but have very
dear friend who was married year ago,
and she has found it delightful sue
cess.' Mr.. Waldo" She is happy,
them" Miss Breezy" Oh, very, Mr..
Waldo. Clara draws $50 week ali
mony ."-Harper's Bazar.
OLD Heavywaite cooking over the
Yell college account BLESS my soul |!
Twenty-Five hundred dollars? Jack,
Jack, this won't do! Young Heavy
waite-Quite the correct thing. govern
or. Old Heavywaite-But 1 don't un-
derstand why two-thirds of your ex-
penses should be put down as extras.
Young Heavywaite-That includes sur
| geon's fees after the otball match and