The National tribune., 1888-05-10
FUNNY FOLKS.
Some of the Best Things Said Recently.

The JtGdge.1
Rev. Mr.. Timmid (who has accepted an in
vitatiOn to take lift " on the road by the
way, my friend, this road is very rough. Is
your load heavy?
Accommodating Driver-NOt so very, boss.
Pm csrtin' dynamite fer tn new aqueduct
Bagley-What did Lawyer spriggs advise
you about your $50 case?
Bailey-He advised me to settle without
suit.
Bagley-That's peculiar. BY the way, what
did he charge you for the advice2
Bailey-S -SeVenty-fve dollars.
Landlady Ito boarder)-Now, what earthly
use have you for my cOal-shovel in your room
at this hour of the night2
Boarder-Why, had dream last night Of
finding a buried treasure, but didn't have a
thing to dig it up with, so tonight I'm going
TO make sure of il.
She-You may think it's very funny to come
home at this time o. night, Mr. Smith, bat what
would you say if you came home some time
and found / had returned to my fathers?
He-Wha' d shay, IN dear2 I'd shay
how lucky f. the ole man that he's deaf.
Have you ever met Brown, of Toledo?"
No; / have never had that pleasure, al
though l have corresponded with him about
business matters for five years"
Brown is one of the worst stammerers
ever heard"
Funny never noticed it in his letters"
It'd Bitsl
What does your father dor" asked the
teacher of the boy.
He's contractor was the reply.
"a railroad contractor2"
No, ma'sm; a sausage contractor He ties
up the ends after another man has filed 'em."
Friend Ito Mormon lady)-You are very
happy with your husband, are you not, Mrs.
Brigham?
Mrs. Brigham-very. We are devoted to
each other, and he has such perfect confidence
in my judgment that he confdes all Of his little
love affairs to me.
Coroner-Was there nothing on the person of
the unfortunate man to indicate whore he came
from?
Witness-Nothing but paper collar.
Coroner.-H-m Probably from Trenton. Had
the collar been turned once?
Witness-Turned twice, think.
Coroner-Ahl That is important a citizen
of Camden.
Mr.. Rawlings (coIored, who has Just been
knocked down n)-Whoffer yo' do'd dat9
Nr. Plunkah-Yo's been an went an tole
lies bout me.
Mr. Rawlings-T -Taint so! Dat nah twin
bruyver, Silas.
Mr. Plunkah-Well, yo' look nOugh like m
+ desarbe lickin', an'how
[Ts5as Sg7ings.l
An editor was writing at home, when his nu-
merous children disturbed him, whereupon he
howled to his wife:
Make them cussed brats keep quiet, or PIl
get up and beat the life and soul out Of them" {"
"Why, what is the matter2"
"Pm busy writing an editorial denouncing
the inhction of corporal punishment on chill
| dren in the public schools, and if those brats
| interrupt me once more I'll get up and wear
my cane out on them"
| Jones-so Nine Debar says these pictures are
painted by Michael Angelo, and she receives
visits from saints?
Smith-That's what she says.
Wonder how the saints are dressed wher
they appear?"
90 guess they wear spirit wrappers"
From EUeyi0hers.l
He was a baseball player, and he asked gir
to marry him.
"Out on frst," she said, with cold, reject
i've smile.
Don't fatter yourself" he replied, as h,
picked himself up; "its out on third. ."-Wask
iagtOn Critic
Gentlewoman lat intelligence ofice)-Pleas,
| tell the directresS that woman wishes to speal
! with her.
Lady Friend-What made you say woman
Lady sounds go much nicer.
GentleWoman-Do you think I want to b.
| taken for a servant Free Press.
Petticoat government is causing great bus
| tie in Europe just now. The hand which erst
while rocked the cradle is taking turn q
rocking principalities Philadelphia Press.
Did your son take the valedictory in col
lege?" said gentleman to a lady who was en-
Enthusiastically praising the ability of her off
spring.
mo, indeed, he didn't" she replied, witt
pride; he didn't take anything He is tn
healthiest boy you ever saw WashingtO
Critic.
The statesman that wants to feather his nes
has got to take keer of the geese that fernishe
the fethers.- Washington Critic
The only time an Anarchist has his heart il
his work is when it rises to his mouth.-Re;
Hayen Register.
Some temperance men are so punctilious tha
they will never permit themselves TO appear il
good spirits.-BostoB Post
Carpets must be made TO know their place
They can be put down at once if they rebel, 0
they may be taken up and shaken.-NeU Oh
leans Picayune.
A Limburger cheese trust has been formed
but it is only little one for scent.-MinHe
apolis Tribuns.
IL