Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1888-12-13
SOME SMALL COMFORTS.

SIudAA thih. AtOCHCotCf OSt-4@.e ~ coos
WESTERN train robbers who rifle the
mail bags use their rifles on the train
men, too
NATURE is just with compensation
for losses. The toothless man is not
APT to bite off more than he can chew.
-NeW Orleans Picayune
YOUNG doctor = They don't bleed
people nowadays as they did twenty
years ago, do they, Professor? PROBES
sor-Not with the lancet-Doctor.
HUSBAND Ito wife with pet dog)-
You should have married Fido instead
of me. Wife (regretfully) But poor
Fido hadn't any money, don't you
know.-WaShington Post.
Hwy darling, 1 really believe my
rheumatism has wholly disappeared.
She-Oh, am so sorry Now We shall
never know when the weather is going
to change. Boston Beacon.
"WHAT little basket is that you are
cleaning, Johnnie?" asked Merritt.
"That's the fishbasket dad told you he
carried the 200 pounds of fish home in
last night. "-Neiv York Sun.
PATERFAMILIAs-Wh Ethel You
don't mean to marry that baldheaded
Professor Wiseman? Ethel-It is true
he is bald, bus think how many young
men of to-day are bald on the inside of
their heads.-Ided.
Az item is going the rounds alleging
that the hustle is liable to explode and
sho Id be labeled hazardous" Bustles
arr rs sa e as coal scuttles. We've held
many Of them on oar lap without risk.
Detroit Free Press.
"You may bring me some satanized
crusta eeans, said Miss Boston to the
waiter. Mani" gasped the astonished
menial, Don't You understand me?
/ want deviled crabs 20, yes'ml
Bring 'em right away. Idea"
Paperwate must be getting
up in the world. Did You notice how
politely his tailor bowed to him? Boil
-humphl The poor fellow knows
he's got to be civil, if he ever expects
to collect a cent. -Nelo York sun.
A New YORK clergyman, dismissed
from the pulpit few months ago, is
now acting as brakeman on a railroad
train. His experience in coupling was
no doubt strong recommendation for
the position -NorriStoicn Herald.
LOUISA Clara, if were YOU I'd take
Mr. Oldhoy TO certain store on Broad
way before I'd let him take me to the
theater again Clara And what store
is it, pray? Louisa-The one that adj
vertises "Old bows rehaired while you
wait. Puck.
GRTMsBY-That man, banks, gets
more matter accepted by the news
papers and magazines than any other
person OF my acquaintance. banks
Is that so? He doesn't look like liter
airy fellow. Grimsby-He isn't; he is
an advertising agent. Boston Post.
PHLADELPRIAN-I there much musi-
cal culture in Prairie City Westerner-
Musical culture? Well / should smile.
Why, sir, the Prairie City folks just
turn out and mob the Salvation Army
every time the bass drummer gets out
of tune with the cornet. Philadelphia
Record.
THRIFTY mother-Ellen why will
you persist in eating the soft part of
your bread and leaving the crusts un Ter
the edge of your plate? Some day you
may be glad to get even crus.s to eat.
Thoughtful daughter - Yes, mother,
that's what I'm saving them for -BoS-
ton Transcript.
In the columns of a medical contem-
porary it is asserted that there is
patient in the Pekin Hospital who COM
plain that there is another man inside
him who keeps up perpetual CONVEX
saton. That man must have been COM
PEELED to eat his own words. London
Court journal.
INDIGNANT citizen-Whea / bought
this horse you told me that with lit
tie training he would make first-class
animal for the track. Horsedealer-
And so he will Citizen Il tried HIM
yesterday, and he was seventeen mn
utes trotting mile Householder
Oh, didn't mean a race-track, friend;
meant street-car track. Time.
WHEN a wife gets to rea ling one of
the old diaries her husband used to
keep before he was married and finds
an entry that SAYS; Prayer meeting
out at 10 o'clock; home Mt IL AZ, she
can't help wondering just where the
young man was and what he was doing
Tor that mysterious hour and forty-fve
minutes SO many years ago.-JourRai
Of Educ ftion.
He wa a new conductor on his first
trip. As he passed the corner hand
,omely dressed young woman nodded
her head graciously. The new con-
luctor tipped his hat with the utmost
polit ness, and turning to a passenger
IN the platform, said "How's that for
/ mash, eh?" "She wanted you to stop
he car replied the passenger.
'B'gosh" exclaimed the new conduc-
or, Il never thought of that. 1t may
urn out smash instead of mash. -
Epoch.
WHEN JIM WAS DEAD.
When Jim was dead,
"Hit snryel him right" the nabcrs sed,
An 'hused him for the life heid led,
An him a-lying thar at rest
With not n rose upon his breast.
All menny cruel words they sed
When Jim dead.