New-York tribune., 1888-03-25
Mr.. BARNEY McGILBRY.
THE LIFE OF A PROCESS SERVER

Midget. He attached to- the hrm In q con-
Hdental relation II confidential Indeed that
no knew q great many things about them and their
affairs which they themselves had been at some pains
not to hear Of II will not bc mentioned by Barney's
bIogrspher that he born to fame Nor was he
born to gold good looks. The number OF desirable
things to which he not born had often been gone
over iu his mind until he we'll nigh convinced
that the list included Fortunes ente stock OF birth
right favors. The problem Of what be was born to
had pcrplexod Barney almost S much as the problem
of what he was born for had perplexed his mother,
and the result Of reflection and inquiry in both cases
was always unsatisfactory The neighhors felt more
confidence In their ability 10 solve both problems
The impression general among them that Barney
was born to sin and for the distinct purpose OF being
hanged
Tho rapidity with which this notion gained ground
10 the Seventh Ward. where the phenomenon OF Bar
ney's birth had taken place, was doubtless due In
some measure to the diligence with which he acquired
and tho energy with which he applied useful informa-
ton Tho educational facilities OF the Seventh Ward
were quito unparalleled In their way They enabled
q boy to learn moro about many things than any
other school In the country could teach him. Ihey
did no, consist of books or blackboards or charts.
They were not mewod up withln brick walls Ihey
wcro right out In the streets. In the open air. ana
Barney always the first boy to appear In the
morning and tho last to leave at night Before no
so we'll. known that no was Just as private OF his
personal knotholo tho Polo Grounds as II be were
a wealthy box-owner He knew all the saloonKeep
ers all the policemen all the dives all the peanut
venders all the pawn-shops. all the fences' thr'"gn
out the Seventh Ward and his acquaintance was rapid
ly extending In all directions
n was at about this timo that Barney conceived
great fancy for the circus. Every circus that MADE
its appearance within q days walk Of Ncw-forh
was bonored with a visit from Barney Slowly but
surely the fires OF great ambition were hndled In
Barncy's heart 1t was a nohly discriminating am
bition II looked with disgust upon the antics OF
the dsrbed and boresome clown Even the nooie
ring master with his prodigous voice and lntoerant
whip affected It but slightly It was positively cold
toward the adventurous rider, but when 1t contem
plated the amazing feats Of the acrobats, burned
high In the privacy OF his rooms Barney
tumbled about for hours together He learned TO eat
pies whlls sitting on the back OF his neck nc DO
camo amazingly dcxterous In springng over his oed'
and after breaking pretty much all the fnrnlturo IN
the house he ran away from homo and Joined Circus
being adopted into the great suppleIes family ana
billed a ssgnor Bernard suppeleg, ut whose
Amazing and Unprecedented Feat Of Filling His Ear
with Cotton by means OF His Great 100 hinss anu
Emperois have Tscmbled-'
Before long. however, Barney grew weary OF the
society Of snake-charmers and douoo-joned holnos'
and determined TO study for one OF the learned pro-
fessons It was when In this serious frame OF mind
that no happened to be passing the law ofico OF
Mastodon & Midget he entered and inquired rc-
spectfully of tho clerk nearest at hand II boy
wanted.
"No." answered tho clerk, "clear out OF nero OF
I'll mop tho noor with you-'
Now Barney hadn't been three years In q clrcus
for nothing. he knew his rights as rco-oorn
American and he had studied tho art OF handling
hi. feet and fists Therefore, ho replied in firm
but quiet tone Of voice: -
aYou bloody, indicating chump lessoo yer DO t"
At this Interesting point Mr. Midget walked ID
upon tho scene, and Barney promptly asked IL no
wanted . nice, good, steady boy
aUm we'll Dunno said Mr.. Midget, thoughtnlly
at wants a place fer T. help me mudder,' SAID
Bpncy
"AII right answered Mr.. Midget. "rll SEQ what
you're good for Let this boy copy tho letters there
Then turning to the clerk with whom Barney had
had his alteration, he said: Go to Mr. Ihoropreo'
ofIce and servo these papcrs'
No sooner was Mr. Midgets back turned than tho
clerk handed the papers to Barney. Nibsy'' no
said, "you 60 servo en-
aNot fer Joen replied Barney, rcsolutely. do
said fer you to do 1t an I amt agoin' ter"
sWhati Blank-blank- blank blank-blankctty- -blankl
I'll teach you TO DO civil /" and the clerk punched
Barney In the eye.
Well several things happened number OF chairs
tables
tents were dashed to the floor, full length crayon
portrait Of Mr. Mastodon was reduced to shreds and
abres. and when the partners csmo walking In upon
the scene all huddled up In one corner OF the room
lay tho scarcely visible clerk and directly over him
stood Barney pne up top OF his routed antagonist
all tho broken chairs. tables books and other debris
which he able to reach
For moment tho partners contemplated the situa
ton in silence while Barney suspended hostilltles
and hung his diminished head Then Mr. Mastodon
solemnly observed: "Ikey, don't you think that new
boy of yours takes up rather too much room In
this object"
These Incidents are told merely that 1t may be un-
derstood that though only errand-boy when he
entered the service Of Mastodon Midget, Barney
was stu q lad Of attainments. Notwithstanding his
stormy Introduction he remained he rose rapihiy'
His native talents of that order which appealed
strongly to both Mr.. Mastodon and Mr. Midget Ills
conscience was flexible. and his tongue discreet HIS
wit and tact flowed easily and never became agitaed
or muddy He developed great powers OF persever-
ance and always retained his courage These quail
ties led to his employment In many matters OF
difficult and delicate nature. until he became In time
ono of the firms most trusted agents.
II has long been the custom In the Office Of Mas
.odon & Midget when every other means OF serving
dsagreeable papers npon unwilling people has failed
TO turn them over to Barney McGilbry. Those who
have had experience with the law will appreciate
the statement that among the vie works Of human
ingenuity few arc viler than orders Of arrest, In
functions and the like Their appearance rarely falls
to awaken sentiments OF doep irritation and disgust.
Incidents of premonitOry character often lead persons
to suspect the intended visitation OF such annoyances
and they will often resort extraordinary devices to