Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-01-05
DEACON BURDETTE'S PHILOSOPHY.

DON'T KNOCK, BARONESS; COME RIGHT IN.
Mrs. and Mr.. Baroness Burdett-Coutts are
coming to America. There are plenty of
coots in the states in eveW town, but the
baroness will not claim relationship with any
Of them. Hey? She doesn't pronounce her
name that ways That's no difference; every
body else does. Another joke saved. Letter
cog Ala Gher
EITHER WAY WOULD HELP LITTLE.
The Boston Herald thinks that sometimes
Judge Hilton wishes he had never been
born" Oh, no; he only wishes that A. T..
Stewart had never died.
FATE CANNOT HARM HIM.
"Are you prepared for the necks twirledg'
solemnly asked grizzly old turkey gobbler
who had roasted high through the stormy
times of score of Thanksgivings II am
ready for any course" replied the youngster,
''my acts be on your neck; but you, grand
father-are you prepared for boardersp
"That isn't the question:" replied the reck-
less old tough, swallowing a fragment Of
Richmond granite by way of an appetizer.
care the boarders prepared for meT And
chuckling hoarsely he strobe down to the
market place to note quotations in live and
dressed poultry.
SLAUGHTER IN THE PAN.
"Why," spake the fearful guest, at the Pig
hatchahashett house, down in Maine, "why
do you have that picture of Jessie Brown at
Lucknow hung up over the dining room
door" Because" replied the smiling host,
"she it was who said to the starving soldiers,
'Dinner you hear the sloganP" The giddy
guest gave one CHASTITY gasp and got.
. MIC
"There is this difference" said Mr. Old
ooarder, between rehashed meat and re-
mashed stories. Everybody knows what is in
tne story, but all the sum of human knowl-
eage can't guess what is in the hash"
Hence," said the landlady, 1--WE weary OF
'ne one, while the other is a constant ex-
citant and an unfailing zest." So saying, she
placed the old familiar dish before them all,
"hlie the low, hollow groans went circling
round
SMOOTH AS SILK.
II should think" said Ethel, sit would feel
SO funny to have a mustache on your lip.
Doesn't it tickle you all the timer "No,"
said -Kthelred, boldly, sit does not feel
strange at all See" And Just then the
brooding owl that to the moon complained
from yonder ivy mantled tower was scared
out OF years hooting by startling sound,
something like the final exhaust of bath
tub at midnight's silent hour, only louder and
more abrubt. "Oh!" said Ethel, in sweet
Little voice, and "Ah," said Ethelred, with
the satisfied tone of man who has Just swal-
lowed a large, wide, long, brand new oyster
DEPENDS ON WHAT HE TASTES.
Editor of the Eagle: am young man
Just beginning life. 1 am very neat in my
personal appearance and am very fond Of
dress, but my salary is only "a week. Do
you think it would indicate lack of taste if
were to wear a diamond ping" Oh, no, my
boy, indeed no; it would indicate a lack of
brains, and presumably lack of honesty.
RHAPsoDICAL NONSENSE.
Doesn't a lunatic make you tired2 Here is
a poet-and a man who is old enough to
know better, too-who says: "Why do / sing
when the night is dark, and the stars are
above, instead of the sunF' Because that is
the way it always is, donkey; the night is
the darkest time of the year and the stars
are then always up. If ever you should see
the sun shining at night you wouldn't sing a
note. You would howl and run for the cellar.
thinking that you were as crazy as you really
are.-Brooklyn Eagle.