Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-03-29
WIT AND lIUMOR.

Have YOU dog biscuit? CLERK briskly)
Yes, sir; all kinds, sir. Which do you
like best, sir?-LJe.
Men slow to do you favor are quick
enough when they have favOrs to ask.
1t is a way they have of making up
time.-New Orleans Picayune.
She is the name of rich gold
mine in Africa 1t will be difficult
matter for men miners to find the
pockets in it.-Boston Courier.
4 live for those who love me-" SAYS
Philadelphia poet. If he is like most
amateur poets, then, he hasn't much
to live Son1erUilie Journal.
Joseph never greatly fancied his
parti dress and it caught on with Miss
Fharaoh.-New Orleans Picayu1le.
Flimsey-''I can't see how it is but the
smallest specimens of men invariably
get the best wives" Mrs. T. (archly)
20, you flattercrr Boston Transcript.
Only about 7 per cent of the spirits
manufactured in this country IS used
in the arts. The balance in promoting
sociaDility.- Martha's Vineyard Her
aid.
Georges l.. H., Ill, and ". of
England showed the effects of their
dissolute behavior in early life. They
were Rex many years before they died.
life.
In Volapuk young lady is called a
ii-pul. This name is quite graceful
enough for the object if bustles are
TO remain in fashion.-NeU HdCe2
NclOS.
There is young lady IN a girls
school in Georgia who goes by The nick
name Of Postscript" Her real name
is Adeline Moore. -Burtington Free
Press.
The medals owned by Bismarck
weigh over forty pounds. He has,
therefore, little reason to be jealous of
the American priZe-fighters. Lincoln
Journal.
In the theatre: But why do you
weep? The acting is certainly not SO
touching" Excuse me; am bewail
ing the money paid to come in
FIiegeude Btactter.
Some people are passionately fond
of douganuts. Others never eat any
part of a doughnut except the hole.
Those people seldom have Dyspepsia
S0merUitte journal.
He that giveth to the poor lendeth to
the Lord; but the trouble with most
people in tuis world is that they never
make any loans except upon collateral.
baltimore AnaerecaR.
There is a question about the vail
8 Nv t,,1o,Nhnnn hY,t
we should think any level-headed
Judge would decide that it is sound"
proposal.-N0rriStoVn Herald.
City cousin-Is coasting good up
your way, Hattie? Country cousin
o, elegant! The hills are so steep that
the boys have to hold their partners on
the sleds-NeU HaUe1s NelOS.
A New York boy whose father was
sent to penitentiary last week, stated
in court that he had never heard of
God. Tnere is the making of an
Alderman in that boy Washington
Critic.
If Shakespeare had only known about
the Baconian cipher when he wrote
his plays there can be no doubt but
that he could have made them fit a
great deal better than they do.-L0'UeU
Citizen.
A new steel gun has been designed
for our new steel navy. As the enemy
approaches the muzzle his attention is
attracted by small sign, Drop a
nickel in the slot and see the gun go
off. "-Burdette.
The young man who will thug HIM
self" even when he is very happy,
don't deserve to live in a country where
there are 1000 toboggan slides in full
blast every day and evening, -Ban"-
IiRgton Free Press.
A book agent tried to sell q Pitts
burg woman Il volume entitled The
Art of Speech" yesterday, but she east
such a whitening look upon him that
the wretch skunk away in shame
PitSbwrg Chronicle.
Wen it comes ter de test, it pear
like dc smooth an smilin' man doan
sich CT bright face. De crab-apple
makes better cider den de sweet apple
do.-1rkGRSdU T'rdUelcr.
Small boy (ncar open window of
restaurant smell dat soup,
Jimmy. Haint dat fine? Jimmy
(holding his nose)-I amt smellin' no
soup terday, it nd Spite my appetite
fer de roas' chicking.-LJe.
Old lady (to small boy who is smok-
ing)-Don'tyo you know that smoking
isn't good for little boys? Little boy
Yes'm. Dis stub (puff) was maxim
my little brubber sick pufD, and l
took it from him.-NeI0 York. San.
Professor Perpetual motion, in
the accepted sense of the term, is in
possible. Can you think of piece of
machinery that operates without an
jmpelling force?" Yes, sir. "What
is it?' "A gas-mcter." Lincoln
Journal.
Rochester has an organization
called 1.-The Woman'1 Ignorance
Club, and most of the women in town
belong to it. Any woman who stops a
car on the wrong side of the crossing
is considered a candidate. Detroit
Free Press
Clara" said the old man from the
head of the stairs, ''hasn't that
ter isn't here, SIR" feebly responded
the young man. She has just stepped
into the kitchen to fill and trim a lamp"
-Ne10 York San.
Mr.. Agile (to Mr.. Stoutman. after
hard run for horse-car) by jove!
old boy, | thought you were too lazy
TO run like that. Mr.. Stoutman
Qanguidly) Easily explained, my
dear boy, laziness runs in our family
Detroit Free Press.