The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1888-03-29
WIT AND HUMOR.
THE REASON.

language that nobody speaks.-Lye.
No man ever forgave woman for
knowing more than he. and the more
the knowledge the greater the indig.
nation.-Pack.
De man wat kin make to pah grow
wha' seed fo' on'y one pah wuz planted
button am solid gor.-Judge.
Stranger (to boy in lawyers oflice)
I'm looking for legal blank, SONNY.
Lawyers boy--Sorry, sir, but he's just
stepped out.-Ncw York San.
Newly-married couples should be
careful not TO extract SO much sweet
ness from the honeymoon as tn leave
only the whacks.-Boston Transcript.
The man who is not straightforward
and honest-who tries to be all things
to all men-generally ends by being
nothing to anybody y.-Nea0 Orleans
FcGygne.
A paper in New York has changed
from q political journal to a religious
weekly 1t will now leave the credits
off of its clipped photographic humor.-
NorristoWR Herald,
Visiting dominic And how does
Lit RANoSS Jod1
Mr.. Ransom? Parishioner-O, very
well, indeed. He's just opened fresh
barrel of sermons.-Judge:
Miss Sangbleu Indignantly =
Waiter, you've got your thumb in my
soup! Green waiter (assuringly)-N
matter, miss; it isn't hot enough to
burn me.-HGrUard Lanlpooz.
At a reception: Host-My dear.
aren't you afraid Mr.. Selfconceit will
get too much wine? Hostess %. no.
He's so full of himself he can't get
full on anything else.- Washington
Critic.
Jones--I think cheap cigars are
horrible. Smith - Are they? j.
Are theyP Didn't you ever smoke
oneP S.-No; l never accept any
cigars from my friends. - Boston
Courier.
First flirt-That handsome man is
an acquaintance of yours, | see.
Second fiirt-Yes. have known him
for some time. els he married or uu-
married." Hes drummer. y Omaha
WoYtd.
SMITH see you are keeping COM
pany with Miss Jones yetP Brown
Yes s'Does it mean business?"
'sCan't tell. wouldn't be surprised,
though, if I received proposal soon"
--Bsnghamton Republican.
An Eye for Proportion.-"Comei in
and have some lunch. professor. My
srs if yours are wet" s.My dear Mrs.
Poyntz! Why, am twice your hus-
bands sizep ''1tco pairs, then!'-
PatRch.
"A Husband to Order is the title of
q comedy. "a husband to order" is
what the girls of this day and genera
lion are signing for, especially a hus-
band who will not object to buying a
sealskin sack when ordered to do SO.
NeW York GraPh:c.
"Have you seen Quimby's painting
Of Oldboy, who died last fall?" ''Yes.
and it's the most remarkable piece of
work ever saw" Life like, is itp"
II should say so. When 1 saw it in
voluntarily said to it: 'What'll you
havep'"- Lincoln Journal.
Customer Ito rubber overshoe deal
er)-I want to get pair Of rubbers.
Oealer--Yes, air; same as you bought
yesterday, / s'pose? Custemer-O,
yes, those gave excellent satisfaction.
It was nearly u o'clock last night be-
fore they gave out.-NeW York San.
Druggist Gin alarm, to boy)-Ja.nes.
run to Mr.. Smiths at once. I've made
an awful mistake! James {seizing
his NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. hat
i-poison- Druggist-No. no; she
sent for 10 cents worth of one cent
stamps, and l sent her ten twes!-New
York San.
Dumley Ito landlady)-How true it
is, Mrs. Hendricks, that q woman's
work Is never done? Landlady-Very.
] would like to see you moment after
dinner, Mr.. Dumley, before you 60
out. Featherly (whispering)-I say.
Oumley, some women's work is always
dun.--New York Sam
Magistrate Ito prisoner)-You' say,
Uncle Rastus, that You took the ham
because you are out of work and yonr
family are starving. And yet r .un-
derstand that you have four dogs
about the house. Uncle Rastus-Yes,
eah, but I wouddent arsk my family to
eat dogs, yo' Honah!-H Hea0 FORK San.
Washington dame = My dear, as
your pa is to be stationed in China
next year, 1 wish you would try to
make a favorable impression on the
members of the Chinese Embassy at
the party tonight, SO that we can get
into society when we go there. Lovely
daughter-Yes ma. Where is nv
high-necked dressp-O omaha HIorld
Texas widow-"Yes, my husband
was good man before they hung him.
He killed seven men in five years"
-'And l suppose he was executed for
it." "No, he wasn't. Where did you
get that idea?" "Why. you said he
was hanged" $50 he was. aud told
him he would be when he commenced to
use loaded dice" - Nebraska State
Journal.
The Rothschilds are said to be en-
gagged in an effort to control the dia-
nond products of the world. The
Rothschilds are powerful family, but
when they deliberately rush into CON-
petitive fight with our native hotel
clerks their name is no longer Roths-
child but Dennis. Front! Show Mr.
Rothschild to No. 149, twelfth story,
rear!-Binghantton Republican.
American Gn Canada)-"As l was
coming down the street / saw Mr.. De
Thief, the great American embezzler.
being taken to the police station"
Canadian-"Yes, Mr.. De Thief is a
valuable addition to our society, as he
spends his money freely, but he must
learn to obey our laws even if he is
rich and generous" '.EhP what has
he been doingP" '.Driving faster than
walk Sunday. Omaha World.
Miss Wabash (of Chicago)-I hear
that young Mr.. Porcine is fitting him.
self for the stage. Miss Breezy-Yes.
think it is too amusing. ] heard him
say that he ought to do we'll as he had
large repertoire; he meant abattoir,
of course, and it will take a large
abattoir to dt Jim Porcine for the
stage. Besides it belongs to his father.
don't suppose he'll have dollar un-
til the old gentleman dies.-New York
6Gn.
" Responsibility" Grandmamma
Quoting last school report)-"Idle!
Insubordinate! Playing truantr o.
Harhartf I waa shOoEod tn hoar tb;st