davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
BURDET1'E'S HUM0R.
COMMUNICATING on THE WALL OF A
LAWYERS OFFICE.
I'll, Poor Heathss and the Modern Fash
ionahls ChuroA-The Cup that Cheers
A Simple Problem.



One day last summer | went into
LAWYERS Office. climbed up flight of
dusty stars, Turned 10 the night, walked
down hot, dingy passage-wsy until |
came to = door and kRocked hard. There
was no response Everything Was too
tleerv even 20 make an echo. SO | said
Come in " to myself aRd walked IN. IL
wss very warm. The windows were open.
and the hot AR came qnivering In from
the bhsterins street and wsst around the
Office in sluggish waves wsrplnS the big
law books on the baize-cOvered table. IN
the corners of the room the cObwebs
huhc dusty snd motionieSs. 4 broom and
a battered Watering pot stood behind tho
stove. v hich was rea with TuSt and stood on
three legs and a cobbe stone. wesry with
,nsctioB. 4 solitary cuspadOre, half
Allied With the Sawdust of ages, slept
behind the coal-box, whore nobody could
get az 10. The glass doors OF the ibrsry
hung aisr. and the bunch Of keys, half
caught. hung IN q limp disspaied way
from the lock rs though they had tired
e. Get IN but fell asieepln the ehert. lae
big Aics huzzed lazily shout IN the ar,
s. though they had about decided to
make one more effort 10 get 70 the cell
inc. and if they missed II that time they
would give 1t up and fall down
on the floor. In n very old-fssh-
ioned web in = Windov-corrcr, an old
fashioned spider, in condition OF pItifnl
destitnhon. sat by Iert IN his den,
irving 70 make up his mina TO brace up
and set at it and mend it. A simwoisted
wasp craWlcd shout over the Old, tune
eaten windov-framo. looking tor raw
material for her wood-pulp mill. All the
pens on the green table were cOrrOaed
snd split mp the back. The ink in the
big cut-e'ass stand had dried mp IN
sun baked. cracked mass. Tho lawyer
Jaw back in bis big leather chair. Hisfeet
we're on the table. lis head huBc over the
back 81 the chair. His moath was wide
open his ewes were tight shut. hls
hat had rolled under the table A news
PAPER had fallen from his hand. He did
rot move when | told him ] had come
e. nay that bill he snored gently, reg
ulariv. but resoluteiy, like one to whom
snoring aud sleeping IS not duty. but
pleasure Above the little lroa safe ard
above the big green table hung two
framed notices. Above the table It
smc. in severe letters of forblddlng
black,
e" his is my busy dav.
And over tae ht,is non ssfe emphatic
lett Us IN chromatic pint ssid
Lime "a money
hadn't the heart t. wake him. l sat
down sud gave him an hour II improving
reflection, and credited myself with that
moment on my bill
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
DkNNll.TE.
Ocd-FeiIoWs' Cciebrafisn-Thc Tobsc
60 aigrhst

60 fAGEAets
Especial telegram % the Dspatrhl
DANvLLr, VA, April 21.-Profcssor
John A. Kern, of Rendolph-Macon Col
legs, will deliver the address before tie
Pierian Literary Society OF the Danvilie
College for Young Ladies' at the APP
preaching commencement.
As next Thursday is the siyty-ninth
anniversary OF the organization Of the
Odd-Fellows in the United States nom
bers of the erder here viii assemble IN
the Main-Stree Methodist church and
hear a special sermon from Dr. Starr.
The occasion will be an interesting one.
The Riverside Cotton Mills, in this
city are contemplating large additions
to the present commodiOus factories.
The mills already employ five hundred
hands. and have capacity OF thirty
thousand yards Of cloth a day. 1t is
now proposed to double the present ca
pAcity bv addiEg a nav building. When
the additions nave been made tho COM
pany will employ one thousand hands.
The leaf-tobscoo market showed mark
cd improvement durlaG the week just
CLOSED. All classes Of tobacco sold at IN
increased price except nondescrpts. 1t
is believed by buyers that the prices
reached the bottom some time ago, and
that the market will have an upward
tendency till good living prices are
reached.
Sales OF tobacco.stamps for the week,
1858.
The Council today passed the nppro-
priations for the next fiscal year, amount
ing to Sl14,0 900.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
nerA end There.

At Tolono, ILL.,, stands house that has
long had Interpolation OF being haunted.
The owner advertised it for sale for
100, end though it cost more than
three times the money, no one would
buy it. This spring, however. Yankee
came along and bought the property for
$500. lie moved his family into the
house, and soon after ghosts began to
make their presence manifest. lie took
his gun and went hunting for the spOOks.
he found them located IN an empty
house near by, from which place they bad
stretched u string over to the Yankees
dwelling, where it was fastened to
brickbat and dropped through some lat
tice-work, which could be slammed
vigorously when the string was pulled.
He fired several shots at the "splrits .
and gave them lively chase for long
distance. They have not annoyed him
since.
Placer mining is a novelty in Provi-
dence, K. |. In one of the large build
Jugs destroyed recently in the great fire
i'll that city was manufacturing jewell
lers establishment Shortly alter the
fire the rubbish that lay piled in the cell
lar was carefully csrted TO and dumped
in the cove lands, near the city, and mas
been ON guard there day and night ever
siace. Now the firm is mining for its
gold and silver after the old Cali
fornia method of sluice-washing. An
engine pumps water for the sluice-
way from pond few hum
bred yards up the Woonasqua-
tucket river. The sluiceway is about 400
feet long and is made up Of boxes or
sluices each about ten feet long. They
empty into q basin which contains the
quicksilver necessary for securing the
washed gold and silver. The earth and
the rubbish are thrown in at the head Of
the slnicewsy and washed and siftsa by
each since until nothing but the finer
particles float onward to the quicksilver
basin. The scene is almost as picturesque
as some of Bret Harte's descriptions.
This novel "claim" Is expected to yield
S7,0es or 1000 worth OF the precious
metal.
Guatemala's bird OF liberty is the
quezzal. Its picture, rather distorted,
is stamped ON many Of Guetemala'a
coins and engraved on all the postage
stamps Of thai country. 1t Is : bird Of
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

Old Msrmsduke Longstreet set the
richly-iniaid tomato can down on the
tesseilsted pavement, and paused with
the re>Sy beer-keg poised upon the chine
Of its fellow. or moment he strOked
bis erizzied, shaggy beard in silence
long years ago, when the invasion Of
English nobility taught the bloodiest
blood of tn, republic now 10 live without
working, cid Asr@ssuke had sworn
terrible vow never TO shave or wash his
lace or comb his hair again-and then he
spaks:
may. am not ecathed, good wot, by
ell this fairy on the street in time 1
foIesaw the elimination Of this wild
spirit Of reckless speculation and ieyerish
activity. miscalled enterprise, and wisely
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

beautiful plumage, having two extremely
long tail feathers and superbly crested
head. u cannot DO kept in captivity,
and is therefore seldom seen alive, ~ it
is found only in small portion OF the
country. 1t il truly bird OF liberty,
and il dies almost immediately when
captured. Its pride in its rear feathers
is evidently dearer than its love for
life. When one OF them accident
ally gets soiled or broken the
bird goes TO its nest, sits down, and
dies. II it is caught in q trap it Is al
ways found dead, and when the young
birds are taken from the nest they die at
once. Occasionally a quezzal has been
captured and in few seconds restored to
liberty, but the contamination OF the
hand could not be removed with the
grasp. and it dropped lifeless to the earth
before it had flown many yards The
quezZal builds round-roofed nest, like
the home Of the wren, only instead OF
one hole there are two, directly opposite
each other. Thus the bird avoids the
tail breaking necessity OF turning round
to make its exit. 1t goes in at one side
and out at the other, and tho loug
feathers, which wave gently in the air st
resting time, are slowly aud cautiously
drawn III after It.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

How birds are able TO keep on the
wing so long as they often do was ex-
planned some time since by Professor w.
J. Trowbrilge in a paper read by him
before a scientific society meeting. Pro-
fessor Trowbridge said that birds OF
prey and some others have the power to
lock securely together those parts Of the
wing holding the extended feathers
aud corresponding to the fingers Of
the human hand. The action Of the
air on the wing in this condition
extends the elbow, which Is prevented
from opening too far by q cartilage, and
the wings may keep this position for an
indefinite length OF time, vita no mus
cular action whatever on the part Of the
bird. While resting in this way the bird
cannot rise in still atmosphere but if
there be horizontal current it may al
low itself to be carried along by it, With a
slight tendency downward, and 50 gain a
momentum by which, with slight
change Of direction, it msy rise TO some
extent, still without muscular action OF tho
wings. The Professor also believed it
quite possible for bird to sleep on the
wing. In discussing this paper Profess
sor j. S. Newberry said that he had
once shot a bird which came slowly to
tue ground as ii still flying. but reached
it dead. He believed that it had died
high in the air, but he had never been
able to account for the manner of it, de-
scent till now, when he found an expla-
nation in the statement OF Professor
IrowbrIdge.
"The name Reformed ." suggests
the Presbyterian, sis a good name 10
set on the banner OF any church Ii
there should be evar wider union and
the devided churches in this land which
might be regarded under one name
should be perplexcd to find a title which
would fifty set forth It's character and
aims, what better one could be found
THAI the Reformed Church of Amen-
c. 90
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
JACKETS.

Loose jackets are now worn for the
street, over figured or striped buttoned
vests. They are very comfortable and
decidedly pretty.
Black mare is an excellent material
TO DO used az the foundation Of tea
gown. especially for a lady Of middle
age. The trimming should consist OF
plated front OF black satin, black Lace
Chberslly used, aud bright scarlet,
he.iotrope, orange, or some similar light
colored satin ribbon.
A useful hint for those who are about
to furnish their houses is contained in
the woris-buy mirrors. Mirrors are
being usedextensiyely as wall ornaments.
&. IL. NJ.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
NOREOLK EOTER.
a Freight Train Wrecked Thrown
Overheard.
Especial telegram 20 the Dispq.chl

Especial telegram 20 the Dispa'ch.l
NORFOLK, Va, April 81. Seven loaded
freight-cars Of the train coming to Ports
mouth were wrecked early thus morning
on the Raleigh and Castor road rear
Weldon by the train parting on a steep
grade and the rear portion oyertaking
and running into the cars in front. The
road was badly blocked up for several
hours. No ous was hurt.
James Herbert, foreman Of the Simp-
son dry dock at the navy-yarl was
thrown overheard this afternoon and had
his coIlar-bone broken and was other
wise injured.
Chief-of- Police ROLAND was wired
from Richmond to-day to arrest colored
man who left that city on the New York
steamer last night and is wanted for
felony. The steamer did not put into
this port but kept on to New York. and
Chief Roland wired the superintendent
Of police Of New York TO make the ar-
rest.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
based. Take the case OF Mrs. Sinister

based. Take the case OF Mrs. Sinister
and Mira Frank
"How do you like our new pastor "
asked the former of the latter on a recent
occasion.
Every much. indeed, in the pulpit"
was the reply; "but," added Mrs.
Frank. "socially | think him rather
naughty. lie bears himself as If he felt
superior to his flock. For my part /
think u clergyman should be above
looking down upon his congregation.
Whereupon Mrs. Sinister went about
reporting that Mrs. Frank had wished
her pastor out of the world. al dis
tinctly heard her say" she remarked,
THAT she thought be ought to be above,
looking down upon his congregation"
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

"Ihe cup that chetrs?" Oh, no, my
son, the cup never cheers. Sometimes
it tres TO, but then it is only hic cup.
II gels mad sometimes aud then has its
back cup. IL sees Won when it is look
cup. il is proud when IT gets on the
bracket, for then IT Is stuck cup. 1t is
discouraged when YOU let it TALL for then
i j. all broke cup. Often it lis lively
and tries 10 kick cup. II Is nebristed
even CD cold water when you st IT down,
for then II IS 6rpnl cup. But it never
cheers. II d "holler boiler rs II
orum--but that is IS near rs it comes TO
chCeflpg.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
POPULAR COLOR.

Speaking Of habits, dark green, next
10 black, Is decidedly the most popular
color worn. The shape Is not greatly
varied, but for summer wear the bodice
will not button to the collar, bat will be
finished by a linen chemisette. The
skirts are quite short, none OF them
scarcely concssliug the wearer's feet,
even when she is mounted. They are,
therefore, less troublesome TO manage on
terra frHla than the old style. Tho
head-gear generally now consists OF a
ieunty little untrImmed Derby bat.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

"Your husband ? thought you told
me, Mrs LskeIIont, you werd divorced. "
Oh, yes, that was from Mr.. Shortage,
ny other husband He's here some
where, and l want you to meet him. 1
know You'll like him
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

Sic Ran the Scale OF Prices, Maybe.
Ii is said that Schubert wrote one of
his loveliest songs on a bill Of fare at
hotel-table. 1t is a common thing for
man to whistle for his dinner, and if a
bill OF air doesn't suggest tune nothing
else will. Even an ordinary musician
could write a score of notes to the land
lord while the waiter is taking half
rest. Then the bar is always handy
and But, you see, there's no limit
TO tins sort of thing, and it's easier to
compose a whole opera at botel-table
than it Is to get dry napkin and some
thing to eat Now, if Schubert had
gone to the tavern and got mis- dinner
the same day he ordered it, History
would have something to write about.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
,Bv ,o,.rr.ph 10 the Dispatch

DANv1L1E, Va, April 2l.-There was
a heavy frost here last night and the
ground froze. Fruit and. early yege-
tables suffered considerable damage.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

DIR. Bigsss's Hucklebsrry Cordial
should always be used for children
tecthing. IL soothes the child, softens
the gums, allays all pain, cures wind
collie, and is the best remedy for the
bowels. TRY IT.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
An wahl An. Wsb!

Wall That's funny name for
baby. Is it family nance" ono,
replied the father, with sigh, " / call
bim that because 1 have to 90 to him SO
often"
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

Census man: "How many children 5"
Citizeness: " One" Census man ::
Twins or triplets
ROBERT J. BURDETTE,
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

The man that had his back broke
wouldn't have it set because no main
tanned that the misfortune was setback
enough in itself.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
A NOVEL IDEA.

One OF the largest establishments
here, engaged in the making OF ladies'
gowns, has in one of its "trying-on "
rooms q life sized model OF a horse,
harnessed with a side-saddle. and placed
before a huge pier glass. When a lady,
having ordered a rlding-habit, comes to
Try it on, she is mounted upoA this life
like steed, and the assistants proceed to
drspe the skirt Of the habit The skirt,
as every lady is aware, forms the most
important part of riding habit, and
this animal is therefore quite IA useful
as any Of his fellow-brutes, albeit life
less
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

WANTED. PURCHASERS FOR
W tho Remington STANDARD Typewritcrs.
Over 600 In daily use. ORo Erm In Richmond
using twenty-five oil than. Machines put on
trial and advantages ever others prac .ically do
mo1strAted. Don't get Typewriter until you
examine the Remington. a. tbs best IA always
tho cheapest one secoDe-hsRd No. Bloomington
and 3 fOur-drRwer Walnut CGbiset, Sl05-sels
new for $50: / No. 2 RaHiingtsR. with table and
coysr se0--sslls new for sisa; No. 2 Remington.
with tabls and cover. S55 ; 1 w. . CaliCrapb. with
table ana cover, f4Ss9; No. CaligrapA, with
cover, i35: ! Hail TypeWritsr. with extra type
wheel. so. Also, neg "a proved RomiRgtons and
CabIHets, all STYLES; UEderwosd5 and smiths
ribbons and supplies. kening,on operators
wanted and steuographic and typewriter help
furnished. JOHN b. CULPEPER.
General Manager.
an 23-it Richmond, Va
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
1.-THE sleep or the LRboring-Man IL
Nwe0t's

NWeot.
Cases Of prolonged sleep are not rare
at this time OF the year. A man IN Bal
timore Law down in q room on the Sc
cond floor Of handsome residence
about 5 o'clock on sn afternoon in early
spring and fell asleep. lie has slept
almost continuously ever since, only
rousing himself now and then for
something TO cat. lie is a paper
hanger. and promised solemnly that he
would have that room finished by carly
autumn, as the people are expecting COM
paxv in July. 10 il not expected,
however. that he will awaken until
some time in September-probably the
last week in September. The people Of
the house are not at all surprised or dis
turbed. They have lived there twenty
seven years, and have lodged paper
hangers every year. A paper hanger
will stand moro sleep than 3 painter, but
he cannot whistle one tune ell the week,
nor can he whistle it even for very
short time on 50 shriil key. But then
the strongest painter in the world
cannot SIT still on cornice In
the blazing sun and think so long as
feeble roofer. The rocfcr does not care 10
pound any while the family is out of the
house. The hour for family worship is
his popular working hour. "Let me
make TIE noise ON the roof" 30 says,
and care not who makes the prayers.
But when it comes to sitting on a swing
scAffold and gazing earnestly in at the
windows Of your dressing-room the OBJ
servant painter wanders away with the
white mountain cake amid the envious
crashing OF teeth by bis amisble rivals
in practical industry. In these restless,
biG b. pressure days what is wearing out
the American people is driving hard work
and too little recreation.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22
If Will IHaDDeu.

What ais that man IN yOnfer seat7
hos risen az tho STALLION
Asst vera his doom % meet
Some caGse for periuroatiOn.
Some pain doh sure bis system rack;
IeN met with some disaster;
LumUggO's levied "a bis back
Perhaps and Graves plaster.
Quite cautiously he reaches round;
so DOUBT bic spinal column
Has got Jar, which gives good ground
FER grown OF a,pec. soQlrn
Ha. eakluk? o. hast Uefei
some bone 20 Slip its socket
Alas Hes mashed Neufchatel
HeG ia his coat-tal pocket!
"Josiah, DO wish you wouldn't NOR
tify me the way you do by going to sleep
in church.
"Pshaw, Maria warn't asleep; l
lust closed my eyes to sort o rest EN-.
Chow can you preyaricaie 80, Josiah ?
I could have sworn toit, from your heavy
breathing, that you were asleep. Atany
rate I'll warrant you can't tell me what
the sermon was about"
eyes can, 100. 1t was about forty
minutes too long"
The old conuudram. "Why is dogs
f0li IKE an Oll pleu DfS'WHc ~ y AZ
firm "-hos lost much Of its flavor by
wears Of wear and tear but a Dundresry
friend of ours recently contrived TO IN
iect 1t with fresh relish
lie had but lately heard it, and was
met thereafter laughing immoderstely
on the street Being questioned as to
the cause Of his hilerity, be replied
well, sir, I've just heard the fun
NEST conuAarum ! ever heard IN my life.
Why is-ha, la why Is AXE ke-ke :
why il a dogs tail like-hke-an old
man ? Ha, hal Give it up? You do,
Ell BccauBe-ke-ke because you
can't pull il out Haw, hsw, haw
On the ball-feld "That Yale chap
over there is q lively fielder now, amt
he? There isn't anything in the States
that covers moro ground than he does,
I'll bet you.
"Enfess It's the mortgage his pa teok
out 10 give him his college education;
that covers about hundred and fifty
acres,
Upon what simple perversions OF
speech are tronbleus rumors sometimes
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

"Dennls, what have you been doing
Who told you to put this cluckiug old
hen up here on the mantelpiece ?"
"Beggin' yer pardon, mum, bnt it's
absent nOinded OF am. It's the masther
towlt me to sit the hin jist as yersllf
towlt me 10 sit the clock, an pom mo
constance olive sit the clock on the MIST
beysnt, an the hin on the mantel, fax
on nj have
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

The viOlinist has no trouble TO keep
time he gets it from the fddle's-tick.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

The public has about made up its
mind that there 10 but one kind Of safe
burglar, and that is a dead one.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

The man who lies under an obligation
is the most cowardly of liars.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

A style OF dress to De made up in any
OF the light summer nsterials-mohaIrs
or challies-is IN polonaise form. The
polonaise reaches right to the bottom Of
the skirt. 1t divides at the waist and so
displays the front OF the skirt. which ia III
figured goods the PoloDaise itself being
plain. A V-shsped vest Of figured goods,
forming tho trimming Of the waist por-
ton Of the costume, IS bordered on either
side by broad reyers, and reaches as lar
down as the waist.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

WANTED. ASlTUArION ~ A RE-
w TAIL CLOTHING STOKE. by young
man Of good address aul experience. Can re-
FER 10 lat employer Is 70 Ability Tor selling
g0oss. character, ct. Address sAbhs MAN,
4 spatch 0nicc. ap c-tl'
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

WANTED, PURCHASER FOR
W FIVE ACRES or LAND ant TWO
STORY HOUSE with six rooms han. frent ant
bsck porch, kitchen, Cut bu 'liqEs; splendid
.haas trout snd rear: Orcksra u cho.ce fruit,
grapes, &c. ia sight II the city. Price $50.
Terms liberal. Conveyance viii leave ny oaics
every day this week AZ 20 0'coc1A A. 81.
4. O. BLISS.
% ffrf Naia afrasf tltv.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

AIdrcs. JOHN r. JJNE,, Superintendent.
ap.s8t' Gay'on ros'-o1'e, Va
GrNqrFJ,N WANTS 4 FUR
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

Upon what simple perversions Of
speech are tronbleus rumors sometimes
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-04-22

WANTED. LADIES. GENTLE
w MEN, GlR1S AND tONs TO LAIN
TELEGRAPHY, SHORTHAND, OR TYPE
WRITING. Instructions thorough and COM
plcto. Day AMI nignt sessions. Competent QUE
rators aud steuovrspn"rs fIrni-9ed iO en-
pl0ycrs. Apply to McD4nra college, lib vain
street. Rl.urond, Va ap 22-it'