Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1888-08-13


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How to make the most of Yourself
Pad.
1t is curious how sweet a honey-bee is
at one end. and how bitter he is at the
other.
An African tribe is governed by ruler
who has no tongue. He is not only the
King, but the King dumb.
When young man detects the first ev-
idence of hair on his upper lip he feels ell
evated, when in reality it is a sort of COM
ing down.
Jones was feeling little unwen. ''Run
quick, he said to his servant, land bring
two DOCTORS" ''Two doctors?" Eyes,
one to correct the mistakes of the other. :"
If the human race was evolved from
the apes, it at least has the satisfaction
of knowing that its ancestors were intel
iigent-they were educated in the higher
branches.
Clerk pelieve We will get some bad
vedders. Nose Schoumburg-Yo pc
lieve We viii get some pad vedders. Vat
you mean by We? Since ven haf you been
partner oph mine dot you talks of We.
Hired man-Gosh! I've been stung by
wasp. Farmer-Why don't you swear !?
Hired man-Because the female wasp
is the only one that stings, and you don't
catch me swearing in the presence of a
female.
Hus band Gall ready for the theater)-
declare, dear, it's raining hard. Wife
(buttoning on her gloves Swell, what's
little rain? One would think from your
tone of voice that we were about starting
for church,
Physicians are disputing whether it is
possible for man to commit suicide by
holding his breath. There are some who
think that perhaps a man could do
it, but they are all unanimously agreed
that a woman couldn't.
Dumley-Who was that gentleman that
touched his hat so politely to you just
now, Hardcash? Hardcash-My tailor
Dumley-(with an envious sigh)-Ah, it
must be glorious experience to be treat
ed in that way by ones tailor.
Two young men out riding were pass
ing farmhouse where farmer was try
ing to harness a mule. ''Won't he draW?"
said one of the horsemen. s'Of course he
will, said the farmer, she draws the at
tention of every fool that passes"
''Will you have the Kindness to give
me dime, sir? I want to establish a
trust" ''With one dime? How can you
do that?" ''If pay the barkeeper for one
drink, you see, he will trust me for an
other" 'Here is your dime, my friend.
| like to encourage trade
'Spieglehausen, said the leader of the
little German band to the Trombone, 'vat
for you blay so loud? Yer drown the rest
of dat music" ''Meigenstenier, returned
the Trombone, ''ven I don't blay so loud
und drown the rest of dat music, We lose
money; so dond you forgot id"
''Why, how is this, my dear sir?" in
quired the doctor, ''you sent me letter
stating that you had been attacked by
smallpox, and 1 find you suffering from
rheumatism ssWell, you see, doctor, it's
like this, - said the patient: 'sthere wasn't
soul in the house that knew how TO
spell rheumatism.
Composition on Physiology bya Small
Boy The human body is made up of
the head, the thorax and the abdomen.
The head contains the brains when there
is any. The thorax contains the heart
and lungs. The abdomen contains the
bowels, of which there are fiye-A E. /.
O. e. and sometimes w and Y.''
Balloonist-No, sir, we never had such
a terribly exciting trip. Gas began to
leak as we were crossing the lake, and
we just barely got to shore on Grand
Isle, kerklump on potato patch. / was
of cold sweat all over. Chittenden
County Farmer-Say mister, did ye no
tice whether the potato bugs was ravag-
in on the island?