Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1888-03-30
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
One of His Characteristic After-Din-
ner RudgeIs Of DroIleriea.

At the banquet of the Army OF the Ten
nessee, toast was proposed to THE Ba-
bies, " to which Mark Twain responded:
As they comfort us in our sorrow, let us
not forget them in our festivities. Laugh
ter | like that We haven't all had the
good fortune to be ladies. Uaughter.) We
haven't all been generals or poets or states
men. But when toasts work down to ba-
bes, we stand on common ground, for we
have all been there we have all been ba-
bies. Laughter and applause.) 1t is a
shame that for thousands of years the
worlds banquets have utterly ignored the
baby as if he didn't amount to anything
If you gentlemen will stop and think
minute if you will 20 back 80 or 100 years
of your early married life Qaughter), and
contemplate your first baby, you will re-
member that he amounted to a good deal,
and even something over You soldiers,
you all know when that little fellow arriv-
ed at headquarters, you had to hand in
your resignation. Uaughter) He took
entire command. You became his lackey,
his mere body servant, and you had to
stand around too He was not a command
er who made allowances for time, distance,
weather or anything else. You had to ex-
ecute his order whether it was possible OF
not laughter; and there was only one
and that double quick. He treated you
with every sort of insolence and disrespect,
and the bravest of you didn't dare to say a
word. You could face the death storm of
Donaldson and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow, (applause) but when he
clawed your whiskers, and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose you had to take it,
daughter When the thunders of war
were sounding in your ears you set your
face toward batteries and advanced with
steady tread but when he turned on the
terrors of his war whoops you advanced in
another direction laughter and mighty
glad of the chance, too. When he called
for soothing syrup, did you venture to
throw out any side remarks about certain
service being unbecoming an officer and a
gentleman Daughter.) No, you got up
and got it, If he ordered his pap-bottle,
did you talk back Z No, you went to work
and warmed it. You even went so far in
your menial office as to take sup at that
warm insipid stuff yourself to see if it was
right, three parts water to one of milk
touch of sugar to modify the collie and
drop of peppermint to kill the immortal
hiccough. l can taste it yet. (Roars of
laughter.)
And how many things you learned as you
went along. Sentimental young folks still
take stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles in his sleep it is be-
cause angels are whispering to him. Very
pretty, but too thin. Uaughter.) Simply
wind on the stomach Ny friends, if the
baby proposed to take a walk at his usual
hour, 2:3O in the morning, didn't you rise
up promptly and remark with a mental
addition which wouldn't improve the Sun
day school book much, that it was the very
thing you were about to propose yourself
| (Roars,) Oh, yes, you were sunder good
discipline, and as you went huttering up
and down the room in your undress uni
form, you not only prattled undignifed ba-
| by talk, but you tuned up your martial
voice and tried to sing Rock a by, baby, in
the tree top for instance. What a spec
tacle for the Army of the Tennessee (roars
of laughter), and what an affliction for the
neighbors, too For it isn't everybody
within a mile around that likes military
music at o'clock in the morning, and
when you had been keeping this sort of
| thing up two or three hours and your little
velvet had intimated that nothing suited
him like exercise and noise, what did YOU
say You simply went on till you dropped
in the last ditch. Great laughter.) The
idea that baby don't amount to anything !
| Why, one baby is just a house and front
yard by itself. If one baby can't furnish
more business than you and your interior
department can attend to, he is not enter
prising. lrrepressible, brimful of lawless
activity, do what you please, you can't
make him stay on his reservation. pro
longed laughter.) Sufficient unto the day
is one baby AS long as you are in your
right mind, don't you ever pray for twins.
Yes, it was high time for the toast master
to recognize the Importance of babies.
Think what is in store for the present crop.
Fifty years hence we shall all be dead,
trust, and then this flag, if it still survives,
and let us hope it may, will be floating over
a republic numbering 200 900, 900. Accord
ing to the settled laws of increase, our
present schooner of state will have grown
nto political leviathan Great Eastern,
and the Graded babies of today will be on
deck. Let them be well trained, for we
are going to leave a big contract ON their
hands. (Applause) Among the three OF
four million cradles now rocking in the
land are some which the nation would pre-
serve ages as sacred things, if we coulC
know which ones they are. In one of these
cradles an unconscious Farragut of the flu
ture is at this moment teething. Think OF
it. And putting in the world of deaC
earnest, unutterable, but perfectly justifia
BILE profanity over it, too. (Laughter) Ii
another future renowned astronomer ii
blinking at the shining milky substancs
with but languid interest, the poor littls
chap, and wondering what is to become oi
him. In another future great historian
is lying, and doubtless he will continue I.
lie till his earthly mission is ended. laugh
ter) In another future President is busy
ing himself with no profoundsr problem o
state than that of what the mischief ha
become of his hair SO early and in might!
array in other cradles there are some 80,
600 future office-seekers getting ready Il
furnish him the occasion to grapple witt
that same old problem a second time. AM
still in one more cradle somewhere unde
the flag the future industrious commander
in-chief of the American armies is so lttl
burdened with his approaching grandeur
and responsibilities as to be giving his Who'll
tragic mind at this moment to trying +
find out some way TO get his own big to
into his mouth