Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1888-07-27
Faint Smiles.

ger at a concert): as that the violin
virtuoso Just leaving the stage2''
Stranger: burned if know whether
he is virtuous or not. but he can play
Sle fiddle ike Washington
Critic.
"Why do you suffer from catarrh?''
asked a medical advertisement
what a fool question. Because
that's what's the matter with US. Do
you expect p fellow to suffer from dis
location OF the hip Joint when he has
catarrh? "-Burdette
Mamma" said q Connecticut-ave.
girl, just returning from a visit to q
Maryland farm, ''you are always talk.
ing about nice country milk, and how
much better and richer it Is than the
milk you get IN the city, but think
you are mistaken" Il don't think
am" replied the mother. ''Wen, I
know you are, for they used to water
the cows twice every day, while was
at Aunt AIMS" The poor mother
went upstairs and shed a few scalding
tears. Washington Critic.
According to a Boston paper it is q
very poor day when a fashionable
New York clergyman doesn't preach
to $5O.UOO worth of good clothes.
But if they are good, why should he
preach to them?-Rutlsnd Herald.
A Boston paper, at the close Of a
long article, asks this question: care
the young ladies Of the present day
fitted for WiVes?" A much more inn
pOItant Enquiry is whether they are
fitted for husbands.
0 weary mani It isn't the weight
of the burden of which you complain.
after all; it's the material. Twelve
pounds OF baby make some men tired
unto death In less than 2 hours,
whereas 100 wounds of sweetheart
used to sit IN the same lap from g 2.
III. to 1915 A. NJ. without q murmur
from the lapidary. Half a mile to
church is a long walk, when 10
miles tramp around billiard
table is recreation. A man who
can carry lightly about in his
person q pound Of beef and pOta-
toes, is bowed down with weight OF
woe when he encysts himself around
a pound OF hot mince pie. L tell you,
brother, Il pound of lead is heavier
than a pound Of feathers.
An army officer tells this story: ''At
the battle of Gettysburg heavy fight
ing was going on at the front. The
wounded in great numbers were beng
carried past us to the rear. At this
moment when ones backbone needed
all the bracing possible, I saw on q
tree, some little distance from me, a
paper which looked so much like a
notice OF a hOrse-Face or a public sale
that 1 left my position and rode up
to read it. "Phausy my felinks," as
YellOWplush says, when I read the
following: Bodies of officers carefully
embalmed and forwarded by early ex-
press to THEN friends for fifty dollars.
n. B.-phe bodies Of privates at half
price. Undertakers and Embalmers. ,"
Young Mr.. Softly Badboy, home on
a vacation, entertaining lady friend
':And this IS our class yell, Miss Weak
nerves, Hoo pah; hoo pah; moo pah!
yah hoo,yah-hOo! DOM pah, DOM pah,
wa-hee! wa heel lli-hi mi! ki-hiva va,
va va, waugh" (Old Weal-nerves ex-
plains next morning. while paying q
hne Of $50 for assault with a deadly
weapon with intent to commit bodily
injury and murder, that he had had
'em himself only about ten days ago,
and when the attack came on the
young man he lost ali control Of him
self and grabbed up an adj and bug
gy wrench and went for h!m.-Bur-
dette.
It is often a little amusing to note
the proud yet embarrassed manner OF
a young husband who for the first
time introduces his BRIDE TO strangers.
The words ''my wife" are so new and
strange to his lips that he cannot
speak them as he would other words.
At a wedding, recently, there were
among the guests q large number of
friends OF the bridegroom who had not
vet met the bride. After the ceremony
they Of course came forward to be
presented to her, and to each Ofthem,
the husband, dazed possibly by his
great happiness, SAID, "Aiy wife, Miss
Brown" The young wife, who was
no longer Miss Brown, soon found an
opportunity to say In an undertOne
to her husband. '.Why, Henry, Pm
not Miss Brown now; Pm Mrs. C"
''Oh-Oh-sO you are!' said Henry;
IN a bewildered manner that was very
laughable, and a moment later he said
to q friend, ooh, I'm so glad to pre-
sent Miss Brown, my vile, you know,
to yOu!"
A Mrs. Blank was spending the sum
mer in the country Says the Boston
Courier) and was very anxious to
catch a certain train. As that event
seemed, from the leisurIey gait OF the
horse, extremely uncertain, she urged
the country driver to make the beast
90 faster. The coachman piled whip
and reins with no apparent effect,
while the lady alternately examined
her watch and encouraged the driver.
At last hOWeNer. herDatlenca becane