Omaha daily bee., 1888-04-08
INIPIETIES.
Orthodox epitaph for Bob Ingcrsoll:
Hic iacet man,
f.. .a..l .A.... -.


Hic iacet man,
His life cord UNFINISHED,
Who has gone to place
Which never existed.
A Michigan woman, who wears false teeth
has lost faith in christian science be-
| cause it failed to restore to her natural set
| of teeth.
Papa. how old was Methusaleh when he
| died!" "Niue hundred and sixty-nine years,
| Rollo." "And what was his busincss!" "Boy
| preacher"
''How do you like our pastorn "Much in
| deed. Like good wine he improves with
| age" eyes, and his sermons are also
| like good wine" "Why" They are extra
| dry"
| "A clergyman is accused of being seen ty
| ing TIN can to a dogs tail" Well, what of
| 1t! Some people are unreasonable enough TO
| expect that because IA man is a minister he
| ought to tie silver goblets to dogs tails.
| priest is called in to see poor old hack
| man who is on his death bed. The priest
| (solemnly)-Have you been in the habit of
| going to church' The hackman (faintlyl-
| No, but (his face brightening) I've driven
| lots of people there.
The Rev. Leonard w. Bacon last Sunday
| threatened to call the police on dsturbers
of the services i'll his church at Waterbury.
| Mr.. Bacon comes of the stock not to be tri-
| fed with. He not only believes in hell, but
| in giving the wicked "A taste of it here.
Walt Whitman, in an alleged poem, says:
| "Nothing is ever lost or can be lost" Evi-
IDENTIFY the author of "LePves of Grass"
| doesn't believe in the scriptures, wherein we
| read something about "lOSt souls" He
| never played the sinful game called ''poder"
either.
A woman who keeps little store at the
quiet hamlet of BrocktOn, Ill, is on trial for
ceiling cigars, pop and lemonade on Sunday.
| 1t is sad TO find in rural village where
| naught but virtue and innocence should exist
| depth of depravity that would even sh ock
st. LOUIS.
A pous citizen of western city, who con
| tribUted stained glass window to the
| church, is said to have fallen from grace
| when he read in the local paper that 'our fel-
| low townsman. Seth Schemerhorn, has
| placed a stained grass wdoW in st. Josephs
| church, etc.
| David probably reached the conclusion that
| all men are liars by .reading alternately the
| articles in the government organs and the OPP
| position press Other men since his time,
| after such IA course of reading, have very
| nearly arrived at the same opinion, only
they were too polite to blurt it right out as he
| did
The Germany sausage meat must be offici-
| ally examined before il is sold. dealer
was recently arrested for failing to comply
with the regulation He gave as an excuse
| the fact that he always sent some of his sau-
sage TO his pastor first and If the pastor was
not made i'll by them he concluded that they
were all right without an inspection.
An actress Of the Peoples theator Lin
| coin, lately attended church in that city in a
new bonnet, the crown of which was
! adorned with beautifully worked adver-
| tisement of the company. This is a novel
| way of advertising, but an excellent one TO
! attract the ladies' attention. Ii might
| make the preacher enviOus, but what of
| that
ST, Peter (consuIting credentials of appli-
! cautl-Always lived in Philadelphia, always
/ whether It was hot or cold enough for him,
! never wrote "A spring poem! Front, show
! this gentleman to Row A Hold on IA minute!
| What's that stain on your hngerss Appli-
! cant-l--l used to smoke cigarettes. st.
! Peter-Front, show this gentleman TO the
| chimney
Frontier population n has about all it can
| attend TO in the here without giving much
| attention to the hereafter" Denver, how
| ever, is giving some consideration 10 matters
| that pertain TO the beyond The News of
that city says: AN audience of 1000 men
| crowding the seats and standing room of a
house of worship is AN inspiring sight in any
| city. but especially SO in a frontier capital
! like Denver, where IN the general estimate,
| but little thought is given TO the things Of
| the future.
MIR. Cyrus Foss, son of the eloquent and
learned bishop of the NJ. E. dpurch. was m
! troduced 10 an eminent minister of that
church at a recent reception at MINI apolis.
, "Ah," sdid the minister, "yOu are the son Of
, Bishop FOss, are youi / know him very we'll
| and am CLAN TO know YOU. | suppose you
arc going 10 he minister, tOoN No sir"
| replied the young man, promptly, II am go
ing 70 earn my livng.n Then they both me-
! audered toward the lemonade.
A Desirable Location.
| New Haven News: One Of the bright
! spots in existence is spot cash.