The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1888-12-20
MIR. BOwsER GOES TO CHURCH,

MR.. BOWSER GOES tn CHURCH.
Mrs. Bowser's Version OF tho Usual Sunday
Mornings Programme.
Isuppose the regular Sunday morning
programme at our house is the same Us
at all others, and l presume Mr.. Bow
ser's conduct is the same as that Of the
average husband. He is snoring away
ut s o'clock, when l give him q dig and
remark:
"Come, Mr.. Bowser, we are going to
church this morning."
After about dozen digs l get him out
Of bed, and in due time we have break
fast. After that the performance begins
As the curtain goes up Dir. Bowser IS
heard saying:
'I'd like to know what particular ben
eft we get from sitting in church for an
hour and half and listening to a dry
old sermon? ?"
swell, We must go for example"
"Examplel WHO knows whether We
90 10 church or stay ut honey"
Everybody knows, Mr.. Bowser. We
are in neighborhood Of ehurch.goers,
and we shall be set down as heathens il
we don't 60"
II might listen to 10000 such sermons
rs we hear and not DO m iota better, but
I suppose must be dragged OFT. Have
l got clean shirt?"
'"Of course you have-five or six Of
them. Go right up and dress yourself"
He proceeds very slowly up stairs,
muttering as be goes, and in about II
minute calls oyer the h1nister!
"If there is anybody in Detroit who
can find my shirtsIll givehim a twenty
dollar bill" >.
"They arc in the lower drawers OF
your bureau"
"Oh! They are! What did you tell me
to look in the cleset for2"
From the interval OF silence that en-
sues it is fair to presume that Mr.. Bow
ser makes u discovery. There are five
shirts in the drawer, all alike as to clean
illness, but he lays the five out on the
floor aud makes 0 selection. When he
has done this, he calls QUIT
"Haye yougivenmy shirt buttonsaway
again."
81 never gave any of your shirt but
tons away"
"Then where are they%
sin the shirt you have on, OF course.
You never had but one sci"
"Oh, / didn't. Some men have set |
for every day in the year, suppose"
There Is another interval OF silence,
during which he is supposed to get into
the shirt, but it is presently broken by: |
"Where's my Sunday pantaloons?"
changing up in the clothespress."
"They are not there! I've looked the
blamed thing over forty timesI'
"On the first hook at the right OF the
door"
"What did you go and move them of
the first hook to the left OF the door fol?
Hereafter | want you to let my clothes
alonew
| have about three minutes OF rest,
and then Mr.. BOwser inquiries:
SIS there any such thing Us a collar in
this house, or have all OF mine been
taken for dish-clOths and moprags?'
"Your collars arc with your shirts. II
is strange how helpless some men are"
There is silence for about five minutes
this time. Then Mr.. Bowser comes
down stairs with one end Of his collar
buttoned, his hair standing up and his
eyes having dangerous look.
"SIrs. BOwser, do you pretend this is
one ofmy collars2" he huskily demands.
Certainly II is. Anything wrong"
"Wrong! Why, the Internal thing
won't go hall around my neck! I'll be
hanged il this isn't the worst run house
in Michigan
button his collar. 1t buttons very
easily, and he goes back up stairs to put
on his hectic and vest, and calls out:
"How much did that secondhand man
give you for my coat"
81 haven't sold any coat"
"You must have! l can't find my Sum
day coat anywhere up here. 1t isn't
down in the basement, is itP'
go up, and his coat is lying across the
chair, right where he tungit.
st will be the last time | go to church |
for year, and you chalk that down.,
he growls, US ! descend to finish my
dressing. i
BY ID o'clock Mr.. Bowser is dressed
and down stairs. Then he discovers
that his shoes want shine, and his hat
and overcoat must be brushed, and after
pulling the right shoe on the left foot,
he mildly observes:
"Church church! Don't you ever
say church to me again !"
By and by he discovers that he is nil
nus handkerchief and gloves, and after
going up stairs and hunting around he
calls out;
"Did the young un swallow all the
hnndkpFrhiafR in the lOuReW
mo, dear, you will find clean ono
in your hip pocket"
"Why didn't you say SO at first?'
"You didn't ask"
"Well, my gloves are gone"
"They are in your coat.tail pocket"
ooh they are! You saw me coming
up stairs aud you never said word. ]
suppose now I'll have TO wait a half an
hour for you?
"No, dear-I'm nil ready. I had TO
stop to tell the cook about those ducks,
and to feed the baby, and to fix but
ton on my shoe, but I'm all ready"
"Its the lust time I'll fool around like
this. There my burned old watch has
stopped"
"And l believe I've bursted my sus-
pendersI"
get him started, however. Hegrowls
all the way to church, suowls ut the min
lister throUghoWtthe sermon, and it's only
after the service is out that he says to me
as we walk homeward:
Mrs. Bowser, wish you would re.
form in one matter Look at the num-
Der of people out at church to-day, and
then think how they would estimate US
il we stayed at home. hope to see you
little more enthusiastic about getting
out to serviCesI"
"Why, dear, Pm always ready to goW
"Then prove it by your actions. It's
a duty we owe to the neighborhood and
to ourselves, and II we can't get you
started without such a fuss as you made
&L4, ,,,o.asNSV I ukoll w nIOnn hnHnnftaR "