Daily Republican., 1888-08-16
mIkTH AND MERRImENr.

The difference between noted mel
and noted women is said to be that tn,
men always like to see themselves il
print, and that the women prefer u
see themselves In silks and velvets.
| Old bachelor docking at new baby)
"Er-rather small and puny, Jimf'
Proud father: s.Ye-es, rather" OLD
bachelor (encouragingly): "Still, Jim,
II / were in your place would try Il
rear him."
He Ia blood); "Won't you have
some wine, Miss Keepstillf" She: Oh,
no, thank you, sir; il makes me gid
dy." Then for Heavens sake take
some; it'll do you good" Now they
never speak.
What wretched old bachelor that
must have been, who, on being asked
concerning row of hacks standing in
the street, if there was funeral, re.
piled, with a shrug: "Worse, there's
a marriage" ..
"Oh, ps-pal" exclaimed Lucy, as
her father returned to the parlor after
throwing the young man out, chow
could your That was my Bill. {"
We'll" returned the irate parent,
"pve settled it,"
~ love you with a deep and undying
affection" he sighed. "Can hope that
the affection is returned?' "Why, Ger.
tn'yP responded the matter Of TACT
young lady. Il have no particular
use for it. "
Ever Of thee I'm fondly dream.
ing," WAS the burden OF his song in
the honied days OF courtship, but he
found out mighty shortly after mar.
riage that he must wake up and scratch
around to keep the kettle boiling.
Smiths wife went to the dentists
lately and took gas. The new set of
teeth is not ready, nor is she ready;
and so there has been peace in the
Smith family for several days. AS
Smith ioyfully remarked, "Her mouth
is closed for repairs"
"1ou couldn't believe, now,n said a
fopptsh young man to simple old
lady, 'that | was born with a silver
spoon in my mouth, could your" Shs
looked at his large mouth a moment,
and said: why, yes; | could believe
II was silver soup. .ladle. j"
An Irishman was observed writing
letter in very large hand. When
questioned as TO why he employed
such large characters, he replied:
"Shure, an isn't it to my poor mother
IN wrilin7 An she is SO very deaf
that Pm wrltin' her loud letierlp
A man who was seen coming out of
newspaper office with an exceeding
lY damaged countenance explained to
a policeman that he entered the office
simply to inquire if the editor was in.
And he was in" the victim mourn.
fully added,
A man once excused himself for
staying In bed on the ground that he
was mentally listening to dispute be.
tween idleness and Industry. and that
it would have been unfair TO the former
to get up until both sides had been
heard and the dispute was settled.
Ardent lover Con his knees): "Gan
you, then, doubt my affection, dar-
ling2 1t is eternal as the hills--ever-
lasting as the valleys. All ask,
sweetest, is your dear hand" Ian.
guild beauty: ASK me paw, George"
Ardent lover: "Ah-er-then, your
paw, darling"
scene-restsurant. Waiter, to Gus
toner: "Ain't de soup all right, sahP"
obviously; "Y.e 5, 1t tastes
all right; but Pm barber, and / wish |
you would ask the cook If he doesn't
want bottle of my tonsorial elixir
1t prevents the hair from falling out"
A little lawyer, giving evidence, was
asked by a gigantic counselor what |
was his profession. He replied that
he was an attorney. "You a lawyer
Why, 1 could put you in my pocket"
''It you did, was the ready response,
"you'd have more law in your pocket
Than in your head"