Morning journal and courier., 1888-07-14
RUIN ED.

We've got over swearing at the weather since we learned that 5000 pianos are ruined every year in this country by changes of atmosphere. Burlington Free Press.
 True to His Principles.-Mr. Jenks (at dinner)-"Would you like some of this oys- ter plant, MT. Primf' Prim-'tNo thank you; I'm strict vegetarian. Life.
 CT clar', MT. Shookum, f I didn't forgit to ax yo to take off yo' hat! I am actually git ting dat absen- minded ain't got common perliteness no mo- '"-Harper's Bazar.
 Customer (to barber)-''I s'pose that in your profession it is rather difficult to achieve great wealtha" Barber-''Well, I dunno; it's like all head work; there's plenty of room at the top. Have your head sandpapered, sira"
 Bishop (on his semi-annual ound)-"And do you remember me, Bobbya" Bobby "Oh, yes, sir; you are the gentleman ma scolded pa about because you smoked in the parlor and nearly ruined the curtains" The Epoch.
 Sympathetic old lady (to convict)-"Ah, my unfortunate friend, your fate is indeed hard one and as she thinks of you here in suffer-" Convict Every much afected)- "Wh-which one mum? I'm up for biga- my"
 Woman Against Woman.-Mrs Morris Parke-fMr. Rives is out great deal at night, isn't he3 My husband always spends his eve- nings at home" Mrs. Riverside Rives-"How kind of himl But then, you know, Riverside and have such perfect confidence in each otherl'-Puck
 Mourning For a Deur R.lA4iHA-Ha fat an evening party)-"May have the next waltz, Miss Claraq" She-'tExcuse me, MT. Wabash, but owing to the recent death of very dear aunt do not think it right that I should dance. But you may take me in to supper if you like, ,'-The Epoch.
 beast" AI.-5Tndeeds" Ed.-"He said he'd remember me in his will" AL tsWellF'' Ed.-"I heard the will read yes- l terday, and in the oodicil was this line: T | wish to be distinctly remembered to my \ friend, Mir. Edward Smith, "-Time.
 'Put on some more clothes, Mandy" shrieked the elderly aunt at the watering place. ''Folksll see you," she added, hor- TOT struck. "Aunt Julia," replied Amanda, as she went out among the waves with all I the trustful innocence of Texas statesman, 'swhat are we here forF'-Chicago Tribune. The housekeepers good genius, the infalli- l ble adviser, afirms that lamp chimneys may ! be preserved from breaking by cutting the | glass in perpendicular lines with diamond. | This counsel will be worth everything to the user of the kerosene lamp-the good old dia- mond- bedecked farmers wife.-Boston Com monwealth.
 It was at Albany. There had been fune- | ral of local musician. Also a newspaper \ reporter. Quite extended. A chorus had l helped make the obsequies more solemn and i fitting. What did it singl Two choruses | from "St. Paul'-''Take him away" and ffStone him to death." This is fact Musical Courier.
 Father-"Who is that young man who comes to see yeu so muchG" Daughter "Mr. Chestnut, young coal dealer from Harlem, papa" Father-t'Well, the next time he calls want to see him." Daughter -"Oh, papa, you won't say anything you ought not9' Father Quietly but frmly)-"I shall order 8 ton of coal and tell him to | charge it."-NeW York Sun.
 stMa," demonstrated Bobby, "when was | at grandma's she let me have two pieces of
 pie" "Well, she ought not to have done so,
 Bobby" said his mother. 'I think two
 pieces of pie are too much for little boys.
 The older you grow, Bobby, the more wisdom
 you will gain" Bobby was silenced, but on- l ly for moment. "Well, ma," he said,
 "grandma is a good deal older than you are." Christian Advocate.