Rock Island daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1886-1893, 1888-03-29
BILL NYE AID nuReLARs.


Other People.
Bill Nve writes to The New York World
from st. Joseph, Mo-: When reached this
point yesterday l found in a bushel basketful
of forwarded letters the following peculiar
epistle:
DEAR SIR-Along with other good citizens am
pleased to see the Humanitarian effort now being
made to devise some fern of quick and painless
death for murderefs and other criminals who
may have 20 suffer the death penalty, Such eff
forts denote refined and cultivated society, one
that would in no way countenance the slightest
injury even TO the most wicked dude that smokes
cigarettes on the elevated stations
AS one good turn deserves another, aud as by
some chance one of these nice good intentioned
people may, under an unlucky star, come in con
tact with one of my profession engaged in his
regular business you would most certainly fill
long felt want IL You would invent some quick and
painless method for criminal 10 murder his vic
tim Murders are too often lingering and pain.
full. Why should there not be a reform in that
Way Should you kindly lend your genius TO help
our profession in that way you would gain the
lasting gratitude of the public as well as of
many BURGLARS.
NEW YORK, Feb ~, 1888.
In replying briefly to the above, l will
state that no burglar ever came to my house
for a favor and went away disappointed,
provided | was able to contribute to his
wants and provided he went at it in the right
way have never jumped on burglar be-
hind his back or taken advantage of my
great strength to do him up.
When burglar is in my house he is my
guest. If he is willing TO take things as he
finds them he will have no trouble with me.
But believe that, as a class, burglars are
already favored more than other people.
Burglars presume too much, l think. Be-
cause they have free entree and carte blanche
TO the drawing rooms of our best people, they
want the earth and make themselves dis
agreeable. do not wish to hurt the feelings
OF my correspondent, especially if he takes
tho paper regularly but for one l am going
to quit protecting and fostering the infant
industry OF American burglary against
the pauper burglar of Europe, Let us get
our burgling done by the best and cheapest
methods. Let our burglary take its chances
in competition with that of efete monarchies,
just as everything else will have to do some
day In the meantime do not propose to do
anything in newspaper way that viii look
like an attempt to retain the burglar vote
Let the burglar rustic for his wages the
way do and the way other workingmen do,
know that burglars claim they are poorly
paid because their work keeps them up nights
SO much, but newspaper men have to work
nights also and unless they can rob n pros
porous burglar once in Il while they have
hard row to hoe.
And what have the burglars ever done for
me that should now be called upon to adj
vance their interests!
When they had no other place to go, have
they not always felt free to come to my
house! And how have they rewarded my
hospitalityl When they went through my
house last year and found condition of
things which would have moved the stoniest
NvIto gtptp n
able autograph album which had been sent
mo to write in, and had it to pay for. They
took a valuable umbrella which | had bor-
rowed a few years ago, and which intended
to return to the owner after while. They
ate some cold rice and sorghum which had
been set aside for the use of other guests,
and then they left the gate open so that COWS
got in and ate up my lima beans
Now am asked to use my influence in the
direction of better sand bag facilities for
burglars and more reliable style of rapid
transit between the tax payer and the New
Jerusalem.
In years past I will admit that was rum
ming for Office good deal, and | had to do
things that would retain the burglar vote,
but now am firm in my convictions and
outspollen for what believe to be right. A
man engaged in trying to be his own sue
ceSsor in the portfolio Of justice of the peace
is not a free moral agent. 1t is more or less
SO in other Offices but it is especially SO with
q Justice of the peace.
Inow propose, with the help of the Ameri-
can people and all earnest, maRly effort on
my part, to shake off the burglar and come
out and take higher ground Heuceforth my
voice will be heard in moro or less stentorian
tones in the interests of humanity. Pros
porous burglary, which gets second trial,
will be regarded the same as less fortunate
petty larceny, which gets ninety days
Burglars who may have voted for mo in
the old days are hereby notified that the auto
graph album and lima beans offset that &c
count, and that it is my earnest wish, SO far
as it is in my power, during the remaining
years which may be granted me, to live
down and forget the dark and devious days
when was in politics. | believe that easier
and more painless methods for the admins
tration of capital punishment will soon be
perfected, whereby man who is executed by
the law will not be entitled to any more
glory of flowers than one who dies of pneu-
monia. To that end / am willing to work.
When that is accomplished will devote my
hating powers to the further amelioration of
our race. But the burglar has no further
political claims on me
Men who visit New York from distance
desiring 10 purchase Bltoiibd'hS ~ ioiS
sale or to obtain gold bricks of those who are
compelled to sell them for mere song, will
always be amsliorated so long as my good
right arm shall not forget her cunning.
Lam willing to do what can for the pro-
motion of science and the painless pulling of
burglars, but this is as far as | would go.
Moreover, hope that our correspondence
will not continue any longer. Burglars who
pleased and entertained me when l was in
politics have long since ceased to do so. The
truth of the matter is that while all other
professions have made rapid progress, poll
tics and burglary are just where they were
100 years ago.
One reason why burglary has not made
more rapid strides l believe to be because
burglars do not advertise. They rely solely
upon their insight and keen penetration. The
result is that burglars and burglary have
fallen Off do not believe in trying to help
profession so abundantly able to help
itself, BILL NYE.
Leap Year in Florida.