News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-03-01
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
HUMOROUS STORIES TOLD BY
FUNNY MEN OF THE DAY.
A Lesson in Etiquette-The End
Wars Havoc-How He Acted
Climate and Weather, Etc, Etc.

| n
Wars Havoc-How He Acted
Climate and Weather, Etc, Etc.
| THE RUG QUESTION.
Mr.. LIE Grand Mills (of Minneapolis
picking up bric-a-brac for the new
house)- e)-That's pretty good one. Come
from Bengal, you say!
Salesman-Yes, sir; he was shot in
Nagpore.
| Mrs. Mills-Haven't you got one that
was killed in Daggystanl I understand
they're more stylish-Itd-Bits.
| LESSON.
"Melissy, I ben -readin' that book on
| etiketty that your paw went an fooled
away dollar an a half fer, an it says
that when q girls ingaged to feller
! they should conduct themselves in pub
lie with the same reserve and dignity as
| if they war'n't ingaged."
"Well?"
"Well, then, you an Hi Daggett air
maxim plumb fools O. yerselves.
"Haow?"
"Why, at the party at Bill Hobson's
las night when High come in you stuck
out yer foot a-purpose, an tripped Hi
up, jist fer a joke, an Hi he up an
chased you three times round tn house,
an ketched you, an hugged you, an
kissed you three times, before ev'ry-
body. Ev'rybodyll kno1o you're in
gagged, if you carry on hathaway; an
it amt etiketty. The book says SO. =
It'd Bits.
AN ILLUSTRATION.
Little eDick-Mamma, where is the end
of the earth2
Omaha Mamma-Why, Dick, the
earth is just like your ball, and it goes
turning round and round in the air.
Do you understand?
eyes, man."
"Well, let'see if you do. Now, where
is the end of the earth?'
"Where the covers sewed on"
BUSINESS ooURTsHIP.
He, with emotion-Now, dearest, that
you have accepted my proposal, let us
seal it with kiss.
She, in q business tone-What's the
use? Your bid has been accepted,
and there's no need of sealed proposals.
= Washington Critic.
IGNORANT BUT HONEST.
Gentleman-What do you mean,
Uucle Rastus, by going to my wife with
the story that [ said she must assist
you? When you came to me to-day /
told you that charity began Fat home.
Uucle Rastus-Yes sab, an [ s'posed
yo' meant dat [ was to go to Mrs. Smif.
1 may be ignorant, Mistah Smif, but ise
homes, deed is.-N. 7. Sun.
GOOD LUCK.
In the Domestic Circle
Husband-Have you heard the pretty
little superstition regarding visits paid
by young ladies to Mrs. Cleveland ut
the White House2
Wife-What is it?
IIusband-It brings them luck.
Wife-How
Wife-Ugh You 6aIl-xthat luck, do
you p Washington Critic.
HE PICKED UP THE PIN.
A Main street merchant who believes
in the old saying of :" See a pin and pick
it up and all the day you'll have good
luck,'' saw pin in front of the Post
Office the other day, and while stopping
to capture it, his hat fell off and rolled
into the street, two suspender buttons
gave away in the rear, his collar split
open, and his store teeth, which cost
$13 when new, fell out and broke on the
walk. He picked up the pin however.
-Berkshire Courier.
VETERAN HOUSEKEEPER.
Brown-Do you know how long Rob
inson has been keeping house
Smith-No; but it must be a good
many years. [ took dinner with him
the other day, and he carved a duck
without spilling it on the floor
Bazar.
NOT BARGAIN DAY.
81 know am not match for you in
wealth or in social position" he said.
81 know how unworthy | am of you; yet
may not hope that perhaps some time
some day"
"Yes,'' she assented, lifting her regal
head: ''some day, as you justly remark,
l may be glad to consider your PROPOSE
tion. But not, I think, in the near fu-
ture. No, Mr.. Secondshelf, it is not
bargain day on this counter yet.-FrOne
Puck.
THE ONE THING.
He with deep passion) oh. Geral-
dine, my darling, love you SO. love
you so. Be mine, dearest, be mine.
She with suppressed emotion)-Oh,
Harold, you are SO sudden: must have
time to-
He (unguardedly)-Don't mention it,
darling. Time is nothing; moneys the
thing, and you've got plenty. - Washing
ton Critic.
CLIMBING THE LADDER.
Gentleman Ito tramp)-Why do you
ask for only penny, my man Most of
you people want nickels and dimes?
Tramp-Yes, sir, but I'm new hand
at the business, an l want to begin
right; make it a dime, though, if you
like.
TALENTED GIRL.
He Ito Miss Breezy of Chicago)-
Your friend, Miss Shawsgarden, of ST.
Louis, is something of a linguist, is she
not, Miss Breezy?
Miss Breezy-Yes; Clara speaks
French, German and the Missouri
languages.
CHARGE IT.
Margaret-Has he called again?
hd1l- uulJ MLdI SlihIl L L0ll
him?
Margaret anything; only get rid
of him. Tell him any lie you please
and have it charged to my account
Neao York Sun.
MUSCULAR CHRISTIANITY.
Burt was twelve years old. He came
home from Sunday y-school one day, and
said he had taught class of little boys.
"What possessed you to do such
thing?" asked his mother.
"Oh, got along first rate. They be-
gan to giggle, and l told them if they
didn't quit it / would lick every last one
of them when Sunday school was out !
The Superintendent says it was the
stillest class there was. ."-Detroit Free
Press.
OUT OF THE ORDINARY RUN.
''Say, Jim,' said Jobkins to his bib
ulOus friend, "come into the office and
I'll give you drink of something that's
out of the ordinary rum
Entering, Jobkins stepped out for
moment and returned with q glass of
clear looking beverage, which he hand
ed to Jim.
"Bah! that's water, ain it," said Jim
in disgust.
eyes" replied JObkins sT 6rau, II