Connecticut western news., 1888-08-01
HUMOROUS

at him.
 Tho fashionable hair cut is Ia moved.
 When the girl baby appears in household there is generally a family cry-sis.
 Willie, when asking for another plate of dessert, remarked that "it would just fill the Bill"
 The mn with tho first baby i, all smiles-Smilcs for himself and hi, friends, too.
 lughter-Mamma, what is Q man-of- war2 Mamma-It's naval officer, of course, y,u silly child.
 It seems as if the bread and pastry cook might not inappropriatcly be termed Q douyh-mostic.
 'H,w much to peep through your tclcscopc2' "Ten cents." ''There's five. I've only ono eyc." When cat gives m entertainment from the top of the wall it isn't the cat we object to, it's tho waul.
 ''Where are you going, my pretty maid'" "Im going a-y yachting, sir" she said. "May go with you, my pretty maidF "Yes, siree, if you're not afraid. '" The Chinese ought to be very good billiard players, for they are accus- toned to handling the cue from their earliest years. Chicken salad neversots well on some people. Perhaps it is made of the wrong kind of chicken. For instance, roosters arc never good settlers. A New York literary man composes good many of his poems while riding about the city. Ho is hack writer with vengeance.
 A boy may groan, and from sickness moan, from the church or tho school to stay; but thcro's no pain so deep him from circus can keep, because he ain't built that way.
 Dingley-Oh, I'm just like used to be. By the way, Peckham, how's your wife9 You used to say you had tho boss girl when you were single. Peck ham (sadlO-She's still boss.
 Ethel: Mamma, I am writing to Nellie Lee; shall say anything'for youa Mamma: Writing to that contemptible person again2 Yes, give her my love. How detest that girl, to be sure.
 A pretty good toast.-'May you be hung, drawn and quartered! Hung high above the reach of diversity; drawn in a carriage of your own and quartered in the arms of those you love-
 'Women cannot be satirical," says writer, ''any moro than they can be humorous" So2 How is it when man, after courtiug Q girl for seven years, proposes, she says, "Oh! George, this is suddenH
 Physician Co living skeleton in New York museum): You seem to be threatened with Q fatty degeneration of tho heart. Skeleton: I presume so, as l am engaged to the fat woman over there who weighs GA pounds.
 '.What trials you must have" said the lady, contemplating famished tramp devouring the generous repast she had placed before him. "Yes'm, and the wust of it is I allus get convicted" answered the tramp between bites.
 A German General, on inspecting his troops at the close of the war, addressed them thu: "Now, my children, we can once more get seriously to work. Tho pastime of war is at an end, and drill must go on regularly as hereto fore"
 The late James T. Fields had favor ito ane cdote of an English guest at his breakfast table, who declined sugar with his coffee. ''Never take sugar unless the coffee is very, very bad, iu- deed, you know" Thon presently, after tasting the coffee, 'May trouble you for the sugar9"
 II was getting measured for suit of clothes this mawning," said young MT. Sissy to his pretty cousin, "and just for joke, y'know, I awsked Snipem if it weally took niao tailors to make man. He said it would take more than nine tai,ors to mako man of some people. thought it was quite clevah."
 Enter Irishman (pickiug up six ouncc bott.c from the counter)--"Good marnin', yer honor. What would be the pricc of bottle this size" Drug. gist-"Two cents, but if you arc going to have anything put in it it will cost only one cent" Irishman-"F "Faith, then, yer honor, shove cork in." A Legitimate" transformer recently returned to the city on foot after an un- successful starring tour in Shakespearean characters. A friend accosted him and asked him what luck he had had. "Luck," the actor replied, "why, out there in Illinoy l played to four kero- sens lsmpa and two of thess went out a.tA.. Xhe AeaA ank tA s.sz s s