Omaha daily bee., 1888-03-25
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Holds his hone-The barber.

Holds his hOne-Ihe barber.
A false step-That made with a cork leg.
Why is wood like sleep2 Because it's lum-
Der.
It's always soft weather when it rains
hard.
A combination lock makes o good chest
protector.
The new treaty is enough to make the
Goldfish bawl.
Those who engage in a milk trust evidently
want the cream of it.
With a cockney Englishman ''the letter
that never came" is an b.
Why is hemlock like cornbread and mo-
lassesi It's cheap board.
Why is a ton of coal like a shipa When
it's under weigh, of course.
1t doesn't follow that every man who has q
hoarse voice is a stable fellow.
In the bright lexicon of the anarchist there
is no such word as clothes line.
Why is your hat like an advance agent?
Because it goes on a head, Of course.
When is a women like a vicious horse2
When she takes the bits in her teeth.
When does a hen withdraw from lite?
When she makes her egg-sit, of course.
Farm note-After a citizen has had a bully
time at the club he goes home with a cowed
look.
When a man thinks the world is his oyster
he can soon manage to get himself into a
stew.
Binders are now put on white horses so
they will not stop to look after red-headed
girls.
Easter Sunday this year comes on the LIST
of April. Somebody will get fooled on new
bonnetS.
When engineers find a railroad company is
putting on too much steam strike is their
safety valve.
There Is no telling what Sampson might
have been if he had had John L. Sullivan's
opportunities.
Why is whiskey like the flowers that bloom
in the spring! Because it makes the nose
gay, my dear.
The poet who burns the midnight oil' is
kept awake by the muse. It's the same way
with a man who keeps a cat.
The balloon for the 4th of Jnly is to be
named Anthracite" The aeronaut think
it will keep up for a long time.
Smart Boy-Do you keep all the brands of
teas2 Groceries, sir; what kind do you
prefer! Smart Boy-Socrates.
The rock strata under and about Cincin-
natl have millions of fossils in them. More
are being added as fast as they die.
Don't laugh when you see a woman trying
TO drive a horse. 1t may seem funny to you,
but think how the poor horse must suffer.
Another mineral spring has been found at
n Well-knoWn watering place. 1t is said to
taste vile enough to make it worth a fortune.
~ Ol. LOUIS MAN WuuuS u ulVOTCe DGCduSc
his wife smokes, SHORES, whistles and swears.
She evidently made a mistake in beng a
woman.
The man who begins to wear a spring suit
now should receive due praise for his econ
omy, for he probably will never need
another.
The straw is put in the bottom of street
cars for warmth, and not, as some have sup
posed, to enable passengers to lose their
change.
A Boston man proposes to exhibit a dog
valued at 81 500 at the bench show. This
must be the chap who advertises "three-dol-
lar pants"
An Albany Judge has decided that a mans
legal residence is where he mas his washing
done. According to this ruling the tramp has
no legal residence.
"What is home without a mother2" It's q
place where girls can sit up with their fellow
until they hear the old man coming in the
gate about midnight.
why is a frog like a man who bets on the
wrong horsein asked the snake editor. ''Give
it up" replied the horse editor. Because
he is a green hacker"
A tam deer named Grover Cleveland has
been placed in one of the city parks of Balti-
more. Probably the gift of some oftice-seeker
that thrift may follow fawning.
Six species of North American birds have
become extinct in the last ten years. They
We're probably mixed up in some potpie
N'iN'i "HNH VIZ a. NhSi OAip'
Yale college is said to be IN need of s2, 0O0,-
600. When you consider the size of the canes
now used, you must understand that this
"cane" rush business is expensive.
We trust that winter will not linger in the
lap OF spring very long this year. 1t is leap
year and spring has a perfect right to hint
TO him that he is not wanted around.
1t has never vet been decided by compe-
tent authorities whether snoring is vocal or
instrumental music. Calling it ''sheet
music" doesn't settle the matter at all.
The Princess of Wales is so deaf that she
Is compelled to use an ~ear-trumpet. This
does away with the use of the prince remoy-
ing his boots a block away from the house.
That's not a bad proposition for the dispo-
sition of abandoned gas and oil wells, viz, TO
cut them up in six feet lengths and sell them
10 the electric light companies for ~postholesl
'"rhe Artof Investing'' Is the title Of a cur
rent book. If the author had only turned his
attention to the calculation of the art Of
acquiring something to invest, his work
would have a wider circle Of anxious readers.
George Eliot says; sold mems eyes are.
Ike old mems pemQries: thy are strongest