Connecticut western news., 1888-05-02
HUMOROUS.

The girl who won't be won usually re. mains one.
 The girl who loves William nevcr asks her father to foot her Bill - The man who married his type writing girl was in the habit of dictating to her, but now she dictates to him.
 In times of war they charge batteries with powder and hall. In times of peace, they charge them with electri- city.
 The dude who wears a single eye glass can generally see with one eye all that he is capable of thinking about.
 A scientist says wasp may be picked up if it is done quietly. Yes; it is when the wasp is laid down again that the noise begins
 Brakeman: See here where are going with that ax7 Passenger: Keep cool, young man. We stop for sandwiches at the next station.
 A New York man has invented a pro- cess for making railroad cars out of wood pulp; but it takes Kansas cy- clone to mako wood pulp out of railroad cars.
 Bystander: Doctor, what do you think of this mans injuries9 Doctor: Humph! Two of them are und oubtedly fatal, but, as for the rest of them, time alone can tell.
 Saturn is 700 times larger than the earth. We impart the information for the sake of those who want the latter. They might just as we'll want Saturn and have done with it.
 Consoling Friend to henpecked hus- band)-Why don't you give your wife piece of your mind1 Henpe cked hus- band (dazed)-Peace of my mindi Great Scott, man, she never lets mo have any.
 Mr. Hopper-May have the pleas ure of this dance, Miss Snob9 Miss snob (wishiug to show her preferencs) Thanks, MT. Hopper. I don't dance with every Tom Dick and Harry. but I'll make an exception of you.
 A Georgia nm stopped to pick up pin on the street the other day, with the following results: His hat fell of and rolled into the gutter; two sus- bender buttons few off; his collar split open and his store teeth fell out and broke on thewalk. He secured tho pin. v
 Tramp recoguiziug frienD: 'Is that yerself, Tooley7 An what are yo doin' in that hole2' Friend: 'Don't say a wurrud, 'ti, foine job have; the fclly that runs the summer hotel be- low hero pays me five dollars week to live here, an ho calls me Tho Hermit of Scrub Oak Hill' The boordcrs como up here be the dozen to lux at me, and it's good cigars I'm smokin' the whole day long,"
 "Pcrhaps, madam, you could get your husband 10 put his amc down on tho roll of our society,"" Lady of the House: "What is your socictya' Wis itor Gmpressively): 'Thc Society for the Repression of Crime" L,dy of the House: q don't think my husband would care to put his name down for any such thing. He makes his living by crime" Visitor (horrifieD: "Whatl l. he crimina!2' Lady of the House: ''No. Hs's policcmsn.'
 Girl: "Oh! you mon arc very mys- terious about your secret societies. Guess you don't know we girls havc secret society too." Man: ''Rea ly, did not; you have kept your secret we'll" "Yes, we havo one; it was formed last night; but its object is secret, you know" T suppose so." "Yes; you see all the members are to be true to each other under all circum- stances" "Of course" "And tell each other all the secrets they hear. Isn't it splen did,"
 Of Jones, the miser, 1t was said,
 When death cut his life's thread;
 He never tired of doing good. ] Fer rood ho nnyer did.