davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11
THE QUEERNESS OF THINGS.

Some of the Unaccountable Inconsistencies
of Life.
This is a sort of topsy-turvy world. No
one seems to be satisfied. One man is
strugglingto get justice. and another is fly
ing from it.
One man is saving up to buya house, and
another is trying TO sell his dwelling for
less than it cost, to get rid OF it.
One man is spending all the money he
can earn in taking girl 10 the theater and
sending her flowers, in the hope that he may
eventually make her his wife, and his neigh
Dor is spending all the gold he has saved
to get divorce.
Smith is drinking imported ale to put flesh
on, while Johnson is living on crackers and
walking ten miles day to reduce his avoir
dupois.
The laborer with ten children keeps out of
debt on SO week, while many an un-
married bank official with 800 week
can't get along without helping himself to
the banks funds.
Robinson takes sherry to give him an ap-
petite, while Brown, who has a wine cellar,
can't touch a drop of it on account of his apo
plectic tendencies. The doctor tells Morrill,
that if he doesn't stop work and take a rest
he will 90 into a decline, and then tells
Blakely that IL he does not abandon his sed-
entary position and go Off somewhere and
work on farm he will die of torpidity of
the liver.
One man is ordered to eat eggs because
they are nutritious, and another is caution
ed TO leave them alone because they produce
bile.
One man keeps pistol to protect himself
against burglars, while his neighbor doesn't
keep one for fear of shooting some member
Of the family by mistake.
You will sometimes see man planting
trees about his place for the shade; and, at
the same time you will see another cutting
they produce too much moisture.
One rich man wears poor clothes because
he is rich and can do anything, while poor
man wears fine clothes because he is poor
and wants TO produce the impression that
he is not.
One man is killed by accident, and an
other tries to commit suicide and fails.
One man escapes all the diseases that
flesh is heir to and is killed on n railroad;
another man goes through half dozen wars
without scratch and then dies of whoop-
ing cough.
The prize-f liter reforms and becomes q
preacher, while the theological student
leaves his university to become q profess
sional baseball pitcher.
The man with a colossal fortune is usually
obliged to adopt an heir, while the man
without cent generally has sufficient
number of heirs to satisfy half dozen cap
italists.
One man won't touch bacon for fear
getting trichiniasis, and another swears by
Bacon because some people think he wrote
Shakespeare.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

BY PKRrINAx.


He csrrieda pack. he begged and no traced;
bometimos. toe, at stealing he tried his hard
hand;
lie got through this world-how he did it un-
aided
Was a wonder, a mystery to all In the land
He was always at home, in seaside or camp.
HALF merchant. half beggar, but wholly tramp.
Ne sold the maids ribbons. their fortune he
told
At times he quite slyly took kisses In pay.
HE fathers and mothers all paid him in gold
And they counted their goods when the chef
went away.
They watched not their daughters an, me.
and alack =
They were the attractions to this man with the
pack
Hs was thirty years old. his eyes piercing and
The misses all gaxed on his curly black hair
Ne stole all their hearts, and they wished he d
come back;
They knew not his vows were as light rs the
air
He promised to marry each girl that he mot:
That he broke all his oaths was no cause for
regret.
Ehere are maidens to-day whose bosoms will
futter
II they chance old peddler to meet in the
lane;
And oft to themselves ancient ladies will
mutter:
Il wish / could meet Tommy Johnson again !"
Poor Tommy is dead ana nearly forgotten,
And all of the trnkets he peddled are rotten.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11
COULD FIGHT AS WELL AS PRAY.
An Ohio Minister Promptly Knocks Out u
Ruffian Who Insults Him.


An unusual and exciting scene took
place recently at the close of the services in
the Protestant Episcopal Church, known
as Jenkins Chapel, near Cable, this county.
While the exercises were in progress Rich
ard Darnell, burly ruralist, entered the
church and took seat in the front
row. He Immediately commenced an
noying both the preacher and con-
gregation by coughing, hacking, and
making unnecessary noise until the
pastor, the Rev. j. L. Frederick, politely
asked the disturber to quit the church for
the evening. Darnell paid but little atten-
ton to the pastors injunction and con-
tinued. The services over. both men met
at the door. Darnell accosted the preacher
saying: "Do you know what 1 think Of
your" TO which Mr.. Frederick replied that
he was not very particular what his opin-
ion of him was. WELL" said Darnell.
IL think you are -" The words
had no sooner left Darnells lips than
the indignant minister landed q terrific
blow in Darnells face which sent him to
the floor. Darnell, mad and furious,
sprang to his feet and was ready for an
other round. The preacher was in good
condition, and did not lose any time in dis
playing his science in the manly art, but
again promptly knocked his antagonist
down. Darnell came up for the third
round, and the preacher was ready to meet
him. In shorter order than before he sent
his man TO the floor, and when the latter
picked himself up he arrived at the wise
conclusion that he had had enough, and
the Rev. Frederick was awarded the hon
Ors. Time one minute.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11
CHARLES LETTER.
BY JEFFIE FoRBUsH HANAFoRD.

1t was letter that caused all the trouble;
a little inotfensive looking epistle, and
yet it nearly drove the man who found il
mad with misery and pain.
1t read as follows:
MY DEAR CHARLIE-You can not imag-
inc how much would like to see you.
can not bear to think how far apart we are.
You said when / was married l would for
get you. But this letter will prove how
mistaken you are, for L love you as much
as ever. Distance makes the heart grow
fonder," you know. i will write you long
letter soon. L have much to tell you, but
my time is limited to-day. Do write soon,
and tell me how much you miss me.
Yours, with love,
IRENE HUNTER DESMOND.
II was summer time. The golden sun
shine poured in through open window, the
breeZes stirred the grass, and the sweet
perfume from the flowers was waited into
the room.
The man with the letter in his hand
stood as If turned to stone, trying to real
ize what he had Just read.
There was his wfe's name in full, "Irene
Hunter Desmont" What could il mean?
Who was Charlie? What fool he was to
think there was such thing as perfect
happiness in this world.
He remembers having read In paper
that very day yes. scarce two hours ago
"a few lines that at the time caused quite
a little discussion. The lines come back
to him now with new meaning:
"Do not flatter yourselves with hopes OF
perfect happiness, there is no such thing
in is life"
lie remembered reading il aloud, and
some one spoke mp, and said, Exactly
my sentiments" and how indignant he had
felt as he made reply. He RENE mbered
glancing at his wife and meeting her fond
look of love.
he was convinced there was "perfect hap
piness" in tits lie, and confident that he
could speak from expe riencc, nnd now
Hark! What was that? Ills wife's voice,
calling him. Laying the letter down on the
desk as he had found it, ne took from the
back of chair n little black silk and lace
affair, called.a "wrap,' and stepped qui ky
through the low French window leading on
to veranda. In a very few minutes he
had descended the steps, and joined party
of ladies' and gentlemen on the lawn.
Hello, Phil! Your vile has ju-t gone
into the house to look for you. She thought
perhaps YOU could not find her wrap; here
she comes now
Philip Desmond glanced at his wife AS
she approached.
How pretty she looked in that soft dress
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11
National Flowers.

l think l am correct in saying thai
the larger proportion of the blossoms
selected as national or political symbols
have been taken from 1.-The hardy hi
gade." OF such are the rose, thistle,
shamrock and leek, the broom (planta
genista), the white iris of Florence, the
heur-de-lis of France, the lily alluded to
by Chaucer. This last is supposed TO
have been the white or Madonnas lily,
but in the north of Ireland the Orange
lily is not unfrequently degraded on
July II as a symbol of party feeling.
The violet of the Napoleon dynasty
is even yet worn in France, and at
Fountainebleau the apartments of the
ex-Empress Josephine ere redolent
with a exquisite odor. In China and
Japan the chrysanthemum has taken
the place of honor as the national
flower, but one of the latest and strong.
est of party badges is the ''pale priml1
rose" of Shakespeare, now the ensign
of the primrose League" an order
of Conservatives founded in honor or
the late Lord Beaconsiield, who gave
us the sweet picture of Lady Coris-
andes garden in Lothian. This league
now numbers more than four hundred
thousand members.-E w. BWbidQe,
IN Harper's Magazine.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

| The Weekly Editor and His Editorial "yve.-
Last Friday night, while We were
engaged at the Office and Our wife was
over to see the Widow McGinnis. some
base thief entered Our house and stole
Our watch, which was out of repair.
but valued at So. We demand to know
whether Constable Hank Smith was
elected to sit on his cOattails in Green's
grocery and play checkers, or to pro-
tect the people from the hands of the
despoilersY Hank is good fellow.
and his subscription to the Kicker is al
ways paid in advance, but duty is duty.
Our wife is in good health, and the
shock of losing Our watch has almost
upset her. Our dog has also been act
ing strangly of late. leading Our neigh
Dor, Judge Hobbs, who, by the way.
shed, and will probably be a candidate
for Governor this fall, to remark tlNt
he may have been poisoned. May
Heaven forgive the human hyena who
took Our watch, for neither We or
Our wife can ever do sol"
EXPLANATORY. - That refined
and cultured reptile, Bill Bos-
worth, whose chief occupation
is swilling down fOrty-rod whisky and
lying about his betters, is circulating
the story that he gave Us licking last
Sunday night. Now, the truth of the
matter is that Bill has been mashed on
Our eldest daughter, and he called at
Our house Sunday evening to ask Our
permission to spark her. We prompt
ly and Indignantly showed him the
door, while Our wife stood ready with
a horsewhip. Bill dared Us to come
out and We went. We hit him three
times that We know of, and We kept
count of five kicks We got in on him,
and in two minutes he was begging
for mercy. We don't pretend to be
any fighter, but if We can't lick Bill
BoswOrth with one hand tied behind
Us, We will go out of the newspape}
business. Our friends have advised /
Us to shoot him, and if 1T wasn't for
Our wife We'd do it, Bill, don't you
come fooling around Us no more!"
ga STRANGE CAsE.-Last Thurs
day night, while We were sound asleep
in Our bed, Our wife awoke Us with
the startling information that some
thing was going on in Our back yard.
We at once sprang out of Our bed 70
investigate. Hastily pulling on pof-
ton of Our clOthes-the suit made by
Weston, the popular tailor-We NOV
ed through various rooms in Our resi-
dence until reaching the kitchen.
There We found the window wide
open. The following diagram will ex-
plain matters to Our readers more
clearly:
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11
AN APPOINTEE OF GOD.
How "R. X. r." Burchard Regards Presi-
don't Cleveland's Good Luck.
New York special


The Rev. DIR. s. d. Burchard was asked
to-day about his recent meeting with Pres
ident Cleveland at the White House. He
admitted that he had a meeting and some
conversation with the President, but that
both the President and himself regarded
the meeting as entirely confidential, and he
did not feel at liberty to state what had oc-
cured. On being asked whether the report
that he had stated to the President that he
had experienced change of heart alto
gether in political matters was true, DR..
Burchard said: have always been q Re-
publican. l scarcely know what is meant
by change of heart in politics, but 1 may
say, so far as my political principles are
concerned, that they are about the same as
they always were. AS to my interview with
Mr.. Cleveland having altered them in any
respect, that is not true. / had watched
Mr.. Clevelands administration ND to the
tine l met him, and 1 must say 1t had
given me great deal Of satisfaction"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

In battle between band of robbers
and the civil authorities near San Angela.
Mexico, the robbers we're routed, and took
refuge in the lava beds. Their leader was
fatally wounded, and two of the civilians
were killed.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

In the Pacific islands and West In
dies lizards eggs are eaten with gusto.
The natives of the Antilles eat alli-
gators eggs, and the eggs of the tur-
tie are popular everywhere, though up
to the commencement Of the last CEN
fury turtle was only eaten by the poor
of Jamaica.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

Two MEN fought duel after church
service near Tuscola, I'll. Pistols at short
range were the weapons. One of them,
Elijah Ulm, was shot through the breast
and MORALLY wounded, and the other,
William Cruzan, who was unhurt, fed.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1888-01-11

W-Window.
D-Door.
Sink.
Table.
B-Broom.
W-We.
The open window stared Us in the
face as We stood there ready to sell Our
life dearly. There is nothing of the
coward about Us. Seeing nothing, and
hearing no further suspicious noises,
We advanced to the window and closed
it, and finally returned to our bed.
Who raised that Window? What for?
Was the object to murder Us and Our
wife? Who was the villain? Which
way did he escape? 1t will ever re-
main bloody mystery. Detroit Free
Press
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
PALACs or FASHION.
PALACD or FASHION.
A sTRlCH's PALACE OF FASHION.
ASTRlCH'S BROS
PALACE OF FASHION,
Il EAST KING STREET.


LANCASTER, Pa
Our line Of Merino Under.
wear.
As we are paying most spe.
cial and particular attention to
this department this year, we
hope that by keeping q most
complete assortment and by
special Low Prices so greatly
increases our sales on these
goods.
One OF the best values ever
put in our store is one case OF
Ladies' extra heavy Merino
Vests and Pants, silk bound,
regular made Cuffs, goods
manufactured to retail at soc.
Our special price on them
SAC, or three for 81.
Our next number a still
greater bargain, is 37Hc, or
75c a pair. They are fine
gauze, silk stitched, and pearl
buttons.
Next price acc, fine wool
Merino. made to retail at 75c.
Vests and Pants only acc each.
Our CSC goods are fine Cash.
mere Wool, and are retailed in
many stores at ST.
A splendid all-wool Medi-
Gated Scarlet Vests, at 75c;
Pants to match.
Extra fine Gauze, at 81 each;
guaranteed all-wool finest medi-
Gated.
Children's Merino Underwear
Vests and Pants, we start at our
lowest number: These are ex-
cellent Merino, finished Cuff,
size sixteen, at 1oc, rise aHc
for each larger size.
Our next grade, silk bound,
finer goods, commence I2H,
for I6c, and rise 21c.
Next number better, silk
stitched, commence at 15c, and
rise 2Hc for each larger size.
Our very good quality, Wool
Merino, begins at 2sc, and rises
2 I-2 on each size.
Children's Scarlet Vests and
Pants, commence at I5c, and
rise SC each size.
Our better quality warranted
all wool Medicated begins at |
age, and rises SC on each size. |
Ladies' Ribbed Merino Vests,
fine silk faced, long sleeves, we
sell at 44c; they are worth Csc
at least.
Ladies Shetland Wool Vests,
short sleeves, soc, retailed else.
where at 81.
The same goods, in long |
sleeves, at 7oc, retailed else |
where at $I.25.
ASTRICH BROS.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
For First PlaCs.

great amount of political engineering
will be done by friends of candidates to So
cure for their man the nrst place on the
the coveted place. Then II emo orsed by the
majority OF the people, the election is assured.
Eloctric Bitters has been put TO the front. its
morits passed upon. has been endorsed. ana
unanimously given the nrst place. among
cure Of al Diseases Of Kidneys. Liver ana
stomach. Electric Bitters. being guaranteed,
is safe investment.
Price 500. per bottle 1t H. u. Cochrans Drug
Store, LII and I'D North Queen Street. LancaS
tar. Pa. (O
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

OIL Echo answerp: "What." We answer .
"Hothing" So ssy We al Of us, % say wo
ali !" only Is @ nts.
A poor unfort nsts in Mi n~aukss 10 saad 10
have sneexsd himself 70 death. Alas poor
creature. living in the light Of the nineteenth
century and never heard OF DR.. Bulls Cough
syrup Well. this Is moro than Egyptian DARK.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
sPEOXAL NOTIC1a


THE B.sr sAtvl in the world for Cuts, Bruises
ChApped Han6s, Chilbialns, Oorna, ana I'll
SKIN kruptions, and positively cure6 Ptles, o.
NO pay required. It q guarAnteep 20 g1vo per
feet sAt1sfAction, or money refunded Pf1ce
. cents por box. For sale by H. b. Cochran,
Druggist, Nos. LII and Id North Queen street.
LAnOastAr. Pa 1un077.lyd :
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
- Grunt IL Out"

senseless. You can't grunt out" dyspepsia,
nor liver complaint, nor nervousness II they
themselves in that way. The taxing few
does OF Burdock Blood Btuers 10 better than
not enduTs For sale pY Il. CochrSn. SsI dru1. Iy1
gtst, lS7 and l89 North Queen street, LancaS.
Tar.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
ras votcrr.Ess.

rHB vOtOELEss.
The dwellers who Dwell ia the silent CITY
Where the waves Of sound ere never starroo;
They. whose muteness the foolish ply
They are the speakers eternaliy heard.
"Oniy the voicsless speak forevsfw
Their silent Language . heafd ~ All
The ears of ths nsart Ana the soui heed ever
The words Of The dead ~ . trumpet call.
rae voscelsss the words that they breathe are
immortAl ". tsL.
Their eIoq uens echoes resound thro' the
OF the silence that lies ct the graves solemn
portal,
The noblsst oflanguags daily has birth
Cincinnati, q. .Susts r. Beat.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

sHILOH's CURE viii Immediately relieve
Group. w Whooping Cough and bronchitis. For
sale by H. b: Cochran, Druggist No. l7 North
Queen street (O
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

me H0m01!e0t 10n % LAACn06RF.
A we'll % the hands, ana Others arc
iuvit.d 70 call Cn any druggist ana get free
and Lunss, remedy thst % selling entirely
upon Its merits and q guarantoed TO cure and
relieve all Chronic ana Acute Coughs, sthma,
ana q. jyl3 6md ~
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

Ruptars cure guaranteed d BY Dr.. J. b Mayer.
s3l Arch street. Philadelphih Ease ut once.
NJ operation or delay from business attested
BY thousands OF cures after others fail. advice
free, send for circular. marl0lydAW
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
w hat We Want.

Give Homcopath his pellets, Allopath his
pills; but for rheuma lam, for aches, for
sprains. 7honos' Ectectrtc OH is ineffably su.
people as 1t hss had purch ser :. All Druggists
sell It. For sale by II. D. Cochran, druggist, lS7
ana l09 North Queen street, LancAstar.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

DOARDING-NEW BOARDING AND
ID Lodging House, NO. ~ south Lime tist str.es
Tirst class German table board. Meals AZ All
hours. Home comforts for permaoenL pua,
ders Meals furnished promptly Sno IN "a :, rsss -
balls, hops, etc.. - skOrt notice, s,saS sns.o =.
the public'S patronage kssnsS%uSSnE EynSSI' sIIi~'
so.smd No. y South Lime e9oo6
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

Are you disturbed At. night ana broken OF
your rest BY sick child suffering ana crying
with the excruciating pain OF cutting teeth
II DO, 60 at once ana get o bottle of MRS.
WINsLOW's SOOTHING SYRUP. It viii 70
lieve the poor little sufferer immsdiately-de-
pend upon 1t there 10 no mistake about It,
There 10 not o mother on earth who has eve
used II, who Will not toll you ct once that II
mother. ana relief ana health to the child,
operating hke magic. 1t u perfectly safe 70
use In all cases and pleasant TO the tase. ana b
the prescription of ,ne of the Oldest ana best
female physicians and nurses In tho United
States. Sold everywhere. b cents bottle.
mAyl9lyd&w
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

THE REV. GEO. Il. THAYEK, OF Bourbon
Ind, says: Both myself ana wife owe our
lives TO sHILOH'S CONSUMPTION CURES.
North Queen street. (bl
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

a cold Of unusual severity which took last
aulumn developed into difficulty decidedly
catarrhal in all Its char tct eristics. threaten
catarrh. One bottle OF e US Cream Balm com.
pletely eradicated every symptom OF that
pain full and prevailing disorder-E. w. War.
ner, l86 budsOn street, Roche ster, N. Y.
satarrh -Sor twenty years was sufferer
from catarrh OF the head and throat. BY q few
applications of EIy's Cream Balm I rec eived
decided beneht-was cured by one bottle.-
Charlotte Parker, WRverly, N. Y.
o292wdeodAw
H. b. Cochran, Nos l37 ana l38 North Queen
street, Lancaster, Pa, Is selling sHILOHE
COUGH CURE as q guarantee to cure all
hroat and In ng troubles. :6)
ErtSf Mention.
"I have used BUrd0ck Blood BtHers with
sreat benent for indigeston and eonsti patton
OF the bowels" q. l.. r. ston, Hamilton, Ont
lS0 North Queen street, Lancaster.
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01

SAFH, SURE AND SPEEDY CURE
- Rupture, Varicocele and Special Diseases
of either sex. why be humbugged by Quacks
when you can md in DR.. Wright the only RDa-
uLAl PHYsIoIAN in Philadelphia who makes
speciality OF the above diseases. ana CURn
Tunnf Cunns 0uARAHrnSp. Advice Free DAY
turn home same dAy. Of1oes private.
DR. w. II. WRIGHT,
sss iSsS: 4; - ''''' '''''N 1sss; 1sss:s:iss .s
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1888-11-01
1heir Business Booming.

Probably no one thing has caused such rush
Of trade At Cochran's drug store as their giving
bottles OF DR.. Kings New Discovery for Con.
sumption. Their trade Is simply enormous in
this very valuable article from the fact that II
always cures ana never disappoints. Coughs,
Colds, Asthma, ,lsronchitis. Group and all throat
and lung diseases quickly CURED. YOu can test
xvorv bottle warranted. (O