Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1888-11-25
HERE'S A woEFUL COMEDY.
The Sad But True History of Robert Bar
racks, an Artificial Man.
Now Work Evening Sun


Robert Barracks was a sincere, though
hirhIy artificial man. That is to say, ne
was rothing of hypocrite, in spite OF tbs
fact tia! he had one false eye, wooden
leg, an auburn wig, an artificial larynx,
not t. mention five very handsome sets o.
teeth, which he wore on different occasions
as the spirit moved him.
Ths Only act of deception Of which
Robert Barracks had ever been guilty was
that he had concealed from the fair Aman-
ds Pe!kins, with whom he was deeply IN
love, the undoubted fact that he had one
eve, one leg, head of hair, one larylx
and no end OF pearly white teeth IN the
grave, and that CT nsus of his or g'nsI Tea :
lures would disclose the unhappy truth
that there was bat seven-tenths Of his pc T.
sonality left to declare the passion he felt
for the lively heiress.
B4rra kI hsd met Miss Perkins exc!u'
sively BY moonlight. He had courted her
by moonlight, proposed By Moonlight.
The relentless glare Of the sun had never
lit coincidtntly upon tie form Of Robert
Barracks and Amanda Perkins; never had
the foad young couple batAed together 10
the effslgent light OF a single ray. Had it
b.en otherwise cur story would probably
never have been written. Amanda firmly
believed that her Robert was perfect
srecimen of mature manhood, and Bar
rscks had o:rmittei Eer to Sd believe
rather than confess ttat a respectable mi
uoritv of bis being was dead and buried
nd
map. murder will out
L. happ:nei early in September last
that Barracks had laid 10 his winter sup
NV of legs, eyes, teeth and locks-his
trcusseau, as he calls it in conversation
with himself-and was fully prepared for
tina exigepcies of life for oue year TO come
AZ TIE very lesst, and fe,t ready to call
up,u the fair object OF bis afftc !iOos and BIZ
the soft light of the Pickering legs ask
Miss Perkins to name the day..
81 will drop Annie liue,' quoth ho,
"and tell her to expect me this evening at
$50"
And he sat down and wrote to Amanda
L, th,t xfr.us, addI SEED the envelope, sell-
ed it, mailei it and then forgot al about
ANYTHING in the world save the stock mar
ket, among whose listed securities were
one or two aud per cent. dividend pay
ing shares not wholly unknown to Miss
Perkins fe deposit box.
As 8 o'clock struck Robert dressed for
his call, and precisely at $50 he mounted
the steps of the Perkins mansion and rang
the bell.
miss Perkins is not in" said the an.
swering funkey, "but she requested me to
hand you this note"
Thanks" said Robert, tearing the en-
yelope frcm the note and readiug half aloud
aud half TO him elf as follows:
October 6, 1883.
''RObert Barracks, Esq:
DEAR SIR:-Alli is over between us. l
find you are falss-talse to the world; false
to me. Do not try TO see me more. l can
never be yours. AMANDA PERKINS.
'P. S.-Eaclosed please fiud proofs OF
your falsensss. A. F."
With mad sob Robert Barracks dashed
down the steps and, rushing to his ap:rs-
ments az fast as his artificial leg wo1ld
remit, threw himself upon his folding
tei and wept copiously with his good eye,
tearing his blonde wig madly all the while
and uttsriug the most piercing shrieks OF
which his false lsrypx was capable.
Il am lo.t - he whispered hoarsely;
and indeed it YVES go, fer before him were
the proofs which Amanda had enclosed In
her letter. They were in this form:
NEW YORK Oct, !, 1855.