New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1888-12-05
StarkWeathers War Story


living in a certain uptown boarding
house, is a great favorite with the
young ladies of the house, who use
him as lay figure for the display of
aumberless little coquetries addressed
10 the sensibilities of younger men.
Besides his honorable position as
oldest inmate, he enjoys reputation
for good-natured willingness to act
as escort to the escortless, and for
little generosities in the way of
5heater tickets, oyster suppers and
ice cream parties which has long
secured to him the devoted adherence
afall unappropriated misses.
Lately, however, his supremacy in
this special realm has been disputed
by the major, an old fellow equally
;grizzled, good-natured and generous,
though hampered with slight in
cumbrance in the shape of wife,
She is a little woman, however, easily
overlooked, and seemingly quiet in
different to the open firtations car
ried on between her husband and
half q dozen laughing girls
Since the advent of the major, a
strong rivalry has sprung up, not as
the rash reader may suppose between
him and Bachelor jim, but between
the young ladies on their behalf. A
portion of these, having fallen away
from their first love, have set up a
pretense that the major possesses SUI
/ periors charms which not only justify
but compel this secession, a pretense
hotly contested by the faithful.
The Major is somewhat portly in
person and pompous III diction, and
loves much tho sound ofhis wnvoice
which is often uplifted in variations
ofpersonal experiences, and especially
4 exploits of valor performed by him
during the ''War between the States"
Bachelor Jim, on the other hand,
zig small and lean, with square ret
Icent cast of countenance, illumin-
ated, by tWinkling black eyes and a
cheerful smile lurking in perpetual
ambush under a gray, stubby mus
tache.
I 1t is a difficult feet to launch him
fho r,+,,
still more difficult to keep him afoat
after he is launched, and it is here
that the Majors partisans make their
candidate, whose never-failing fund
Of anecdote they perpetually vaunt.
The other evening after the Major
had related with much eclat one of
his best stories, Miss Valeria, the
leader of the Bachelor Jim faction.
suddenly exclaimed:
weren't youin the war, Mr.. Stark
weather? ("Bachelor Jim" is only
pseudonym used to designate him be-
hind his back.)
Yes, was in it, said Bachelor
Jim with an extra twinkle of his
black eyes.
go, Mr.. Starkweatherp chorused
his party. You never told us that.
Tome now, tell us a war story and
you shall be forgiven
1 don't know any war story"
"Whatl Were youneyer in battle?n
questioned the leader severely.
"Oh, yes, | was in a dozen battles,
suppose"
"Well, then, tell us about Them
There's nothing to tell. [ went in,
and came out"
You didn' shoot anybody,
Perhaps, [ don't know"
And you were never shot, nor
taken prisoner, nor anything?"
Yes, yes" admitted Bachelor jim,
evidently delighted to have dis
covered something so satisfactory
IN his past experience. l was taken
y prisoner once"
Will you see that, now?'' cried
Miss Valeaa, ecstatically. "What
modeSSy! A perfect mine of heroic ad-
re locked up in his bosom, and
is never SO much as limited at it.
90 on, now at once, and tell us about
it. Where was it ~
swell, it was UP in Missouri.
In Missouri? oh, how nice! we've
never had a Missouri war story yet.
What battle was it in?"
81 wasn't in BATTLE"
- What! not in battle? Why, where
were your"
st was riding along the road
sob! out on the scout, suppose.
No, | was going to buy hogs
An unmistakable litter was audi
Die from the other side, but Miss
Valera did not finch She was con
WINGED that Bachelor j i'm had a war
story concealed about him equal to
the majors best, and she was bound
that he should produce it.
Well, she said sweetly, "and why
shouldn't theySlet you buy hogs if
yoU wanted to? | don't see anything
criminal in that"
"Oh, they didn't know was going
~ l,T>rc, - al