Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1888-01-05
RULES FOR CARVING.
now to Master the Difficulties of TN,
Family Dissecting Table,

now to Master the Difficulties OF the
Family Dissecting Table.
Many man has risen from'o bscuritv
and blue overalls and climbed, rune BY
fung. the ladder of fame only to totte1
and fall while about to grasp the last
rung because he had never learned to
carve.
A man may be able to solve some
abstruse problem in algebraic insan-
lty; he may be able to sit for his pho.
tograph and look natural; he NAV
have risen so high as to occupy con-
tested seat in the State Legislature,
and with his feet across the aisle inn
aglne that he owns the State of New
York, including Rhode Island; or per.
chance he may become the lucky pat.
entee of gas meter, that with almost
human intelligence forgets to register;
yet he can not be considered more
than one-horse success in life till he
has mastered the difficulties of the dis
sectlng table as it lies spread out be-
fore him on q festal day.
1t is our purpose to here present in
a brief, concise form few rules to be
observed in carving which suggested
themselves to us from time to time be-
fore we broke up housekeeping.
Rule l. Call the attention of your
guests to the age of the chicken. Ac-
count for its thin emaciated appear
ance by stating that it was raised in
the spring. and didn't have time to
attain the robust development of the
adult hen. or Ill other words, that its
yOungness accounts for its thinness.
After having claimed your guests and
satisfied them that you have acted in
good faith, proceed to observe
Rule 2 AK you guests whom they
think is the smartest pulpit orator in
town, and as the discussion becomes
animated and every body gets ex-
cited. seize the chicken by the hind
leg and draw the carving knife dag
onally across the thorax, to the dia-
phragm. Then ask the cook to brin o
in the grind-stOne. Grind the knife
rapidly but quietly under the table,
and in an unsuspecting moment grasp
the chicken by the collar, twist tho
clavicle 10 one side. humming softly:
white Wings, they Never Grow
Weary" and cut laterally across the
epidernis. in wild but vain endeavor
to reach the connective tissue immedi-
ately underneath; then call for anoth-
er knife.
Rule 8. Ask the guests if they have
any idea who will be elected President
in 1888. and when no .one is looking
your way strike the chicken heavy
blow just below the belt with the back of
the Ratchet. which you will have con-
cealed under your vest, then counter,
and wrestler catch-as-catch-can, and
if possible. while no one is looking, in
troduce the Ratchet once more.
Rule 4. If The chicken be II spring
chicken it will no doubt spring from
the platter and fly across the home
plate to the short-stop mt the other
end of the table. As he mops the
gravy from his whiskers with the cor
ner of his table-cloth you will shout
Fowl ballr' This little joke will
amuse the guests and cause the short
stop to forget about his whiskers.
Rule ). After the chicken has been
carried out and laid quietly away in
the alley, instruct the cook to bring in
something to eat meanwhile apollo
giving to the guests for what may
have seemed like unnecessary formal
ity.-Drift