News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-01-26
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
STRAY BITS OF HUHIOR FROM
OUR EXCHANGES.

STRAY BITS OF HUHIOR FROM
OUR EXCHANGES.
Found in the Baske t-Short- hand
Business-The Delegates Hat
They Ate Bluegrass, &C, &c.
COASTWISE.
She-John, what is q coastwise steam
er?
He-One that knows how to keep of
the rocks, darling.-Puck.
UNCLAIMED.
Pastor Cooking in collection basket
"Dey am seberal coins in dis var basket
dat neber saw de denominashUm befo
Dey am made OBJ bone about as big as d
half dollar: some am cOlored white an
some am blue-de most am white. As
dey am no use to de church, deyIL be re
turned to de owner if he comes forrard.
Nobody stirs. )-Judge.
THE SHOES.
''Mabel, what does your father do2"
F'He is a shoe merchant"
''Does he deal in the kind of shoes he
wears" (thoughtfully).
"Of course"
"Think I'll have to patronize him
They are good strong shoes"
THE CAUSE.
Lady-What can I get divorce for?
Iowa Lawyer
Lady-Why, how cheap! 1 always
thought it took piles of money.
Lawyer-Money. Oh! it will cost yor
just 5000 counsers fees. / thought yor
were asking about the cause.-Ch5cagt
Ledger.
A CONFEDERATION.
"Papa, what is confagration?"
cit is big fire, my son.
"And what do they call little FREE"
''There is no special name for little
fire. Oh, they sometimes call it an in
cipient fire, and-let's see-well, it Is
sometimes called an inconsiderable fire,
Why"
"Well, I see your coat tail is on fire,
and was wondering whether 1t was O
contiagration or an incipient fire.
In few minutes the young man had
reason to think it was a confagratlon.-
Chicago Nee0s.
BROKEN HEART.
"Papa," she said, as the old man came
in late, "young Mr.. Sampson offered
himself to me tonight and | refused
him. And oh, papa, I am afraid his
heart is broken.
ssHe told me about it," said the old
man.
"Then you met him 2"
eyes, he is down at the Eagle playing
billiards.
AN ACCOMPLISHED WIFE.
"Well, Nellie, does your husband still
drink?''
"Yes, mother, and it's worrying the
life out of me"
"Did you try the plan of breaking him
Of the habit that suggested to you Z"
eyes.
"Did you put whiskey in his coffee e
'Yes.
"What did he say?"
"He said I was the only woman he
had seen since eahislae4herdied who knew
how to make coffee as 1t sh ould be
made. -
DEEP THEoL oICA1 DISCUSSION.
Their grandma had just given them
nice dinner, and the children, feeling
grateful were discussing the question of
thanks:
Chow nice it was of grandma to buy
all those nice things for Thanksgiving
dinner. We ought to thank God for the
dinner"
"No, said another little tot, eve must
thank grandma for the dinner and thank
God for grandma"
'Let us do all the thanking at once,
and thank God for grandma and the din
ner.
"No, - said the first, "we must thank
grandma for the dinner and God for
grandma, eos there's plenty of dinners,
but we've only one grandma"
HIS HAT.
At one of the hotels in New York a
colored man takes the hats of the guests
as they go into the dining room, and
hands each man his hat without hesita-
ton or mistake as he comes out.
"How did you know" asked the Won
dering delegate, ''that this was my
hat 2"
II didn't know it wuz your hat" was
the quick response; 81 only knows it
wuz de hat you CUB me-.
GUESTS BLUNDER.
Eastern Hotel Clerk-What did 938
want
Hall l-Boy-Nothin'. He didn't ring.
Must been some other number, sir.
He said he didn't ring an didn't want
an he says he's very comfort
able, sir.
Every comfortable! He's got one of
the cheapest rooms in the house. Go
turn the heat off - OmdtN World.
A PRECoCIoUs DIPLOMAT.
Boy-Oh, mamma, [ upset the salt
cellar over the clean clothes.
Mamma-That was careless; go and
brush the salt off, and see you don't soil
the clothes.
Bov-But, mamma, when any one
spills salt they have q quarrel, don't
they?
Mamma-So they say.
Boy-Well, then, if they don't spill
the salt, they don't have quarrel, ism t
that so?
Momma-Yes, that is so. Butwhy do
you ask?
Boy-Well, because, mamma, it wasn't
the salt 1 spilled, it was the ink.
CAUGHT on
A Dexter 5-year-old was put to bed
the other night little earlier than she
herself thought desirable. Soon after
she called for some bread and milk, and
got it. After eating few spoonfuls she
looked up to her father with q most un-
air and remarked: "Papa, [
believe [ heard you say it wasn't good
plan to retire immediately after eating.
guessI'n get up.--Decter (Ne.) Gazette.
THEY ATE BLUEGRASS.
Customer--Is your milk really pure!
NIilkman-Perfectly pure, ma'am.
C. (dubiously) UT may be, but
M.-But what, ma am?
Cit looks mighty blue.
M.-That's easily accounted for. The
COWS are feeling blue. They always feel
blue at this time of the year when their
supply of fresh grass is cut off.-BoSto"
Courier.
SHORTHAND BUSINESS.
"You must do II great credit bust
ness ?' remarked n reporter who happen
ed to be in an uptown grocery store
when the collector came in and tossed
pig bundle of [. O. US on the desk in
discouraged way.
eyes, far more than I can afford.
Those are some of my hardest customers.
See how this bill is marked in pencil 7,
On the back were the letters G. L. s.,
g. b. s., G. [. II. c., and the merchant
"The first means, Gone to Seashore;'