The Indiana State sentinel. [volume] (Indianapolis) 1868-1895, 1888-03-28
BURDETTE GRUMBLES
The HumOrisi From Els Standpoint Says Ger
tain Tnings Are Dat Of JOINT.
March Winds AID FcOsts-Thiugs Not as
They should Bo-Msn Ole Wac should
Live ana Vice Versa The
Stronger Sex.
iCopyrighted, 1885 }

dreadlUlly cut Of joint. The wrong men
die and the STRAIGHT men wander into
crooked places. The boot5lacks shin around
the corner with your change, and the
cashier of the savings bank scoots for Cam
ada with you- deposits Your mine was
sailed and pans ont nothing but assess
ments; you have gone into an orange
Speculation, aud white frost settles down
all over Florida At every deal you draw
hand with which you can neither pass
out with grace, nor stay in with safety.
Yoar boots are tight, your hst too large,
your dress suit comes home two days after
the party, the dog catchsrs gobble your
valuable setter, the chimney smokes,
somebody sticks the red ink pen into the
black ink, and the yo Id uns round too
fast for week at a time.
The wicked man Fl )urishes iiks a green
bay.tIee, while his honest neighb0r geIs
whip-sawed every deal. Tbs doctor pre-
Ecribes quinine for your cbills, and the
druggist puts you up something worthless
and cheap for s. an ounce. There are
fhirty-seven authors of the Beautiful
Snow" and not one for the Bread Win
ners." In Chicago one mandatory
makes nothing bat century-old "grand.
fathers clocks" and furnishes pedigrees
for the same to the purchaser, until, to
own tall, antique clock is proof positive
that your family began only with your
father. In Philadelphia they make vio-
Inns that look seventy-tiVe years older than
the most genuine radivarius four weeks
after they are made, so that now an an
cient, honest'loOkirg, decrepit violin is
prima tacie evidence of glaring aud ont.
rageous fraud There is milk In the water
of commerce and sugar in the sand the
grocer sells. We haYe rigors where We
used 10 have chills.
'O'd Subscriber is usually an individ-
ual who b0rrows the paper from a neigh
Dor or reads the copy pasted mp on the
bullstin.board. Constant Reader who
never read anything in all his life save the
pictures on q circus poster, ald Tax
Payer" is the signature of q tramp A
struggling genius writes a poem with
soul OF IRE that lives forever and day
and dies in tears and Loneliness and pov-
erty in hall ped room, fifth h0or back.
Queen Victoria grinds out book that no
living ma outside the Guelph family and
the proof-reader could be hired to read,
and bas pie three times a day, owns FIVE
dogs and bushels of India shaWls.
When December is here with select as.
sortment of chilblains and frost bites, we
cry, would Heaven it were July" Al d
when July is come, strRightEsy We are sun
struck.
There ara 5000 known classified and de-
scribed species of fish. And yet man can
fish in good waters all day long and never
one solitary specimen of the smallest kind,
and bringeth home with him only a two
weeks ration of malarial fever. TINS, also
isvanity.
never took girl to church,
The longest way back home to plan,
But what she left me in the lurch,
and walked back with another man.
Garfield was shot to death in the prime
OF a good and useful life. Lincoln was
taken away just when the country least
could spare hin. De Long laid down his
life for science ere yet his sun had reached
its meridian, while the man who can write
forty nine chapters OF the bible on one side
of postal-card Will probably live to the
age OF ninety-three. This doesn't seem
right.
The girl with soft gray eyes and ripping
brown hair, Who 6alked ell over your poor
hnttering heart at the charity ball, has Just
finished a crazv Quilt containing S64
pieces OF neckties and hat-linings, put to-
getber with q, 800 stitches, and her poor
old father fastens on his suspenders with
long nail, piece OF Irvine, sharp stick
I and ore regularly ordained button. This,
also, is vanity.
Man planteth bed of pareies IN the
front yard, and 10, there cometh up naught,
save colony of cut.worms only He gOeth
forth into the field and droppeth corn into
the hills, and 400, 600, 900 crows sing as they
pluck 1t out Of the ground right after him.
Ee strolleth through the leafy woods,
anc bis hide is filed with chigres. He
lolieth in the fragrant winrows OF the new
moED hay, and straight away fitch him
self with snake. There are spriag guns
Ia the orchard, bull in the pasture, ram
in tb- meadow, a dog in the yard, and
three ramps down the road so that he
hath rest for the sole of his foot and no
Joy + his heart il he moveth out of his
own loom.
Somebody has got to s,raighten this old
world out, and as they seem to be little
slow about it. have made up my mind
that viii do it myself.
THROWING RELIGION TO THE DOGS.
Seems to mel don't know, may be it 8
all night, but IL seems to me-Our wise
men are expecting rather too much OF the
dogs The Rev. Sam Jones says II he had
cog that would 90 to one of Bob Iugsr-
soils lectures be would shoot him full of
buckshot; and another eminent clergyman,
Inc Rev. Joseph Cook, says If he had q dog
that smoked tobacco he would hang him.
Well, now, what's the matter with the
men who go to hear Col IDgersoII and
smoke cigars? Why don't these parsons
get out their shot-guns and lariats
and go out cunning and Iassoing after
some menG is salvation for the dogs7 a
black-snd.tan dog that has taken TO cigar.
ette@smokiDg and reading Tom Paine and
1ngersolPs mistakes OF Mosee" is beyond
the reach OF the rsvivalist; bat there is
some chance for the men.
AN IEUEDATIoE OF WISDOM.
Here is another wise man who knows SO
much about sleeping that 1t hurts him 10
carry II around, so he unloads some of his
knowledge upon our general ignorance
The wise man says: Hunters. Ecouts chill.
dreD, wild men and all animals eep with
their spine upward. Every creature does
this except civilized men. II is the natu
raj and right way.
Steering on the face protects the vita
organs In case of q shot from the enemy
30 1t ges, when We bear in mind that 1t II
poo gun in these days that can't send 9
half-c nee bail crashing through q railroad
tie, a. that Garfield was killed by a shot
squalr in the back, we ought to get righi
dow our faces and stay there, moi
mere to protect our vital organs from
chaDt . cannon shots, but to express oul
proio md reverence for man who knows
70 much. Tell you, my SON, this world is
90 chock full OF wisdom and knowledge
and Information and instruction and
erudition that Ii il great wonder some oil
1t doesn't escape and leak into the schools
THE STRONGER SEX.
Why am q woman suffragist2 Because
am. Because a woman has more good
hard, common sense than man. Because
abe makes less buster about her rights
and quietly maintains them better than {
aha frxfv g.