News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-04-19
THE JOKER;S BUDGET.
NOTES AND SAYINGS OF THE HU-
MOROUS MEN OF TO-DAY.
1t was Reason Enoush-He Thought
Better of II 1t was Another
smith Peace by Compulsion,
Etc, Etc.
THE VETERAN.


Etc, Etc.
THE VETERAN.
A conductor poked his head in the
door of a car and called out the station
"Sawver," whereupon q young man upor
! his wedding tour, who was about to kiss
his bride, yelled back: 81 don't care i
you did, sir; she's my wife.
AT THE BALL
Young Lady decidedly decollete)-
Good evening, Mr.. Gray-you don't
know me, guess.
OLD Gentleman-No-zei ei-what This
can't be Joe Barker's dsss'-5l-tar, Fanny. >
eyes it is. I have chss-Sed some since
you saw me last.
"You have indeed, Fanny. You've
grown quite out of your gown, de
clare ?"-B0st0n TRANSCRIPT
NOT THAT SMITH.
A plainly-dressed man who introduced
himself as Mr.. John Smith walked into
a doctors office, and, having explained
his symptoms, asked the doctor how
long it would take to cure him. The
/
every possible courtesy, replied: "You
will require several years careful treat
ment under my personal supervision be-
fore you are perfectly well; but think,
Mr. Smith, you will be able to resume
your labors in the bank in about two
months" doctor, you are fooEng
yourself. I am not Smith the banker,
but Smith the street-car- driver" sis
that so2 Well, my good fellow, don't
see what you came to me for. There's
nothing the matter with yon, except
that you are not banker. "-Tera Sift-
ings.
DISCRETION.
Omaha girl-Did you really go to see
"La Tosca2" Why, the correspondents
said it was outrageously immoral.
New York girl-Well, it isn't quite SO
bad as that; but at the same time, it is
not the sort of play l would like to
send my mother to.-Omahd World.
REASON ENOUGH.
Smyth-I hear that Miss Hify smiles
on your suit. Do you feel that it is so'
DeForest-I do ..-.-.
Smyth-And yet there is no special
| reason why she SnOulu.
DeForest-No, unless she believes that
it is paid for.-Neeo Haren Neps.
Wife-And you won't give me the
price of an Easter bonnet2
Husband-No.
w. with sob)-You are one of the
meanest of men, one of the smallest
I'll. (sarcastically)-You are lady and
model wife.
w. with dignity)--I know it, sir.
The opinion is universally held that the
meanest men get the best wives.
II. Qaughingly) = BY Jove, that's
worth bonnet! Here, take my pocket
book and help yourself.
W. Gn smiles and tears)-1 always
knew you were astleEs. lss--t2as Courier.
KEEPING ORDER.
It is said that an applicant for the
positition of police officer was acceptable
in every particular, but when everything
had been arranged he asked: can will l
have to be prisint at sparrin' matches,
glove fights and knocks down2" Being
assured that he would be expected to as
sist in keeping order at all exhibitions
of 'loafers' sports" (as the Hon. P A
Collins calls them), he declined to take
the position. n.-BOston Tra0elger.
PEACE BY CONFUSION.
Fred D., five years old, had to
learn verse to recite at Sunday school.
His verse was, "Blessed are the peace
makers. He did not exactly under
stand what it meant, and his mother ex-
planned it to him, telling him that when
ever he saw two boys quarreling or
fighting he must be little peacemaker
and try and stop them.
The next night as he was being un-
dressed he said: Mamma, / was q little
peacemaker to day."
"Were you?" said his mother; "how?"
81 saw two little boys fighting in the
street, and stopped them"
"That's good boy" said the mother,
giving him kiss; land how did you
part them2"
"Why, just ran up and fired stones
at them till they stoppedfghting and ran
away.-BostOr Globe.
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.
Mr. Umpah (at the close of the ball-
Dem togs yaint mine!
Hat check Clerk-Can't help it; dey's
all dat's lef'. If yo' had n been sech a
hog ter darnse de las darnce yo'd done
git bettah s'lection. .-Judge.
NEW TEST.
know a married couple who have a
bright child, who | presume has heard
her father pitch into her mother about
those buttons or socks or something,
and suppose she stored up the knowl-
edge to make point on her mother.
Anyway, they were at breakfast and the
little girl was rather quiet. Suddenly
she spoke up in very severe tone:
"Mamma! Are you moral woman?"
"What do you ask such an extraordin-
ary question for3 / hope am"
I "Well, You didn't darn my socks last
week. "-Sdn Francisco Chronicle.
SLIPPERY ELM.
'I swear by those tall elms in yonder
park" he commenced, but she inter
rupted him. =
"Swear not by them" she said, i'm
ploringly.
"Why noto"
because those trees are slippery
elms," she said, simply. Merchant fras-
elIer.
HIS PRICE.
Chow can ] get my price on my house
and lot p he asked of the real estate
dealer.
"What is it it actually worth 2"
"Seven thousand dollars"
"Then you must list it at $40, 900 and
gradually come down"
A week later the man entered the
the Office and said:
"Your plan is no good. I've been
asking $4,000 and no one will offer me
over $4,000. Hadn't 1 better start Mt
$4,000 and let somebody offer me
$12, 900 ?"-DetrOit Free Press.
ANSWERED.
A self-important official in the Patent
Office was talking grandiloquently to
his chief the other day about his import
ance to the department..
"Why, SIR" he said, "what would
happen if 1 were to die some night2"
'"There'd be fifty applications for your
place inside of twenty four hours" re-
piled the chief, and the subordinate
withdrew Washington Critic.
BROKEN sLUMBERs.
Dumley-You don't look as if you had
enjoyed very good nights rest,
Brown.
Brown-I didn't. A cracker kept me
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