The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-12-20
NEwsPAPER HuMoR.
Written with Six Dollar Pair Of Shears.
Filthy lucre-D,rty bank notes.


Written with Six Dollar Pair OF Shears
Filthy lucre-D.rty bank notes.
A big mistake Marrying fat girl.
CannibaIism-Feeding a baby with il
pap. f#. #r0 HTEn--
Gentlemen, make room for one
m1wer," said the farmer as he set to
work a new hand in the hay field.
A man has invented a chair that can
be adjusted to $40 different positions.
IL is designed for boy to sit in when
ne goes to church. ..e.
A young lady who was blamed for al
lowing her glove to be discovered in
young mans pocket, stated that she
: had no hand in it.
Publishers say light reading is good,
while doctors say that light reading is
injurious to the sight. Now, which of
the two are we to believe?
A ratcatcher advertises for Employ
ment TO catch rats (alive)" Does this
mean that there is such thing ss catch
ing dead rat
s"Is your house warm one. ne.landlord?"
asked lady in surch of dwelling. 1T
ought to be the painter has just given
it TWO coats, " was the reply.
Auctioneers should know something,
but what do you think Of this one
For sale, large quantity Of oil pain
tings by some of the ancient masters OF
the day" ........ ....
Young lady Ito her Sunday school
class)-CAn any of you tell me what is
meant by backbiter Small boy (who
has had painful experience)-Please
mama it's a flea !
A little girl, attending a party. was
asked by her mother how she enjoyed
herself. "Oh," said she, 81 am full of
happiness. couldn't be any happier
un.ess l could grow" @ ~
A little five-year old boy who had
seen peacock for the first time, ran in
to the house exclaIming to his sister,
"Oh, Lizzie I've seeh great, great,
big, monstiferous tail, walking around
with hen tied to It =
1t is DOW announced, on the authority
of an eminent physician" that it is
not healthy to rise before eight o'clock
in the morning, This applies only to
men. Wives,it is said can rise at seven,
and staIt the fire as heretofore.
Good, kind hearted soul that she
was" said Job Shuttle as he unused on
the excellencies of his better-half, long
since passed away. IF l don't meet
that women in heaven, hope shall
miss her in the other place, that's all =
A Rockford girl had her corset torn
off by stroke Of lightning, aud was un-
injured, but young man who called to
borrow book had his right arm shat
tered and a piece of corset steel blown
INTO his liver. He said he didn't know
she was loaded,
School teacher to a little boy whose
father is a-grocer Now, Johnny,if your
father has barrel of whisky containing
forty gallons, and one fourth of leaks out
how many gallons does he lOcse?Johnny
He don't loose none. He fills it up
again, right off.
"Will you please hand the milk, Miss.
Brown" asked a young man OF a fidgety
old maid at the supper table. "Do you
take me for a waiter, sir p she answer
ed, WELL" he added. as no one has
taken you thus far ,and you've waited
20 very long, should think you we're
one.
How is it," exclaimed the late Hor-
ace Greeley one day 10 a subordinate,
that such a blunder as this should
occur in the Tribune l wrote that name
Back, and here it is printed Brown ="
The subordinate pondered the matter
and then replied. Il suppose the COM
positor and proof reader must both be
color-blind |"
Wanted, smart youth who can
shave and cut WE'LL" We had thought
that in shaving it was a desideratum to
avoid cutting, but judging from the
above advertisement which appeared in
one of our local papers, lately, our in
formation on this subject seems to have
been incorrect, and we were not little
mortified at this ''most unkindest cut"
The gentleman who had been off for
a fishing excursion and sent paragraph
to the local paper saying that "Mr. Jones
had sent home fine mess of speckeled
beauties" could not account for the
warm reception from his wife until be
heard that Mr.. Jones had 'been fined
and sent home for a mess with some
freckeled Beauties" and then he went
for the newspaper man with a rod.