Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1888-03-21
MONSTR OSFTEES.

| w FE- U0OFS0, 10 tn0 american In
dams always travel in single file ?'
| Husband-''1 never saw but one, and
he id Harper's Bazaar.
PROFESSOR, said graduate, trying
| to be pathetic at parting, Il am indebt-
ed to you for all | know" "Prav do not
mention such trifie,' was the unfat-
| tering reply.
FIRST Burglar-What's that ? Second
| Burglar-A sample case. [ spend the
daytime goin' around selling oil to keep
doors from squeaking. Great scheme
amt it '"-[Omaha World.
| CouNTRYMAN Tin art store)-I s'pose
paintin' like that runs right smart inter
money Dealer-Yes, that picture is
worth $500. Countryman-Gosh! it
must be hand painted.-[Tid Bits.
PHYsICIAN-"Pa Patrick, don't you know
better than to have the pig pen so close
to the house ?" Patrick-"And why
should Oh not, sor ?" Its unhealthy"
BE away wild yer nonsinse Sure, the
pig has niver been sick day in his
loife. -[Omaha World.
"BUB," said the agent, as little boy
| opened the door, lis your ma in ?''
| Yes; she's in the kitchen trying to fix
the stove, it won't bake. Who shall l
say wants to see her?' "Tell her it's
IL Harper's Bazaar.
Il HAVE just learned" said Mrs. Bip-
per, looking up from the. paper, "that
the inventor of the gatling gun is
| DOCTOR" EYES," replied Bipper; "and
| he is still engaged in professional
work" "Is he ?'' ''Yes. A gun he has
| just invented will kill 1000 persons
minute.-[ Kansas City Times.
OMAHA dame-Didn't you know be-
| fore your marriage that the man you
loved had contracted the liquor habit
Neglected wife-Yes, knew he had
contracted the habit, and if it had only
planned, but after marriage the habit
expanded Omaha World.
LADY purchaser-"N Now, please do not
| want, if there S anything else. If I want
anything else / can remember to ask tor
| it without being reminded that there is
something else that I may want. Do
you understand ?" Salesman-''Y es' m
Anything else ?'-[ Boston Transcript.
The waiter expostuates with the
guest for summoning him by a swapping
of the fingers, with the remark: Are
you calling for the dog, sir ?'' "Good-
ness exclaimed the guest, care you
mind reader ?' ''Why do you ask ?''
inquired the waiter 'Why," returned
the guest, u was abont to ask for the
sausage. . Baltimore Herald
BRIDGET Sure, mum, Missus Smith
was akin fer we; but l got ava wild
her." Mistress-''H How did you get rid
of her, Biddy. Biddy-"Sure, didn't
tell her no 10y, mum. I jist gave her
num-" Mistress-"W What did you tell
| her, Biddy ?" Biddy-"Faix, an I
| told her to 60 to tee divil and find out"
I-[Epoch.
A GENTLEMAN once saw a boy peeling
| the bark from one Of his choice trees
with Ratchet. The gentleman tried
to catch the boy, but the latter was too
quick for him, SO the former changed
his tactics. "Come here, my little son."
he said, !" in a soft, flute-like voice, with
counterfeited friendliness, ''come here
minute. | want to tell you something"
"Not yet" replied the recipient; little
boys like me don't need to know every
thing. "-[Texas Siftings.
He was heavy New York swell, and
he was enduring Washington society for
brief afternoon. He was presented to
sharp-witted girl and stood before her,
grand, gloomy and peculiar Then he
uttered two or three syllables, 81 beg
your pardon, Mr.. Hardwood, she said,
lido you speak English ?" "Awy co'ahs
doncher Know he replied with Ian
guild surprise. "Well, really now, I'm
SO glad; don't you know, thought you
only spoke New York. = Washington
Critic.
'I SAY, Cholly, what dye think?
took Clara up-street to the concert the
other evening and she asked me what
an opus was. 'No ~ Eyes, she did.
But made her ashamed of herself! [
gave her whitening look and told her
loud enough for the people around us
TO hear that an opus was an andante
in crescendo time with rallentando
huge establishment, and V GU bet [
cruued her. "-[ChicAg) Mail
A NEW congressman made his first and
only society call yesterday. He got
along all right until he came to be in
| troduced. LET me present you to the
hostess said his companion, starting
into the room. mot MUCH" he ex-
| claimed, pulling back; "I'll be blamed if
I'm going to be given away in crowd
| like that and he rushed out and es-
| caped.-[ Washington Critic.
| AT a Boston wedding the other day
| the officiating minister sneezed four
| times while performing the ceremony,
and all the old women present presaged
UuluSo Ill olOIC 1O1 UAC OI1uC
and bridegroom. The minister did not
countenance any of these superstitions.
however; he knew why he sneezed; he
| felt the big draft that was in the bride
groom's pocket Indianapolis Journal.
LITTLE Johnny entertaining young
man in parlor My sister thinks you've
got beautiful teeth. Mr. Hankinson
| (highly pleased All! what have you
ever heard Miss Irene say of them,
Johnny? Johnny-She says she thinks
that the upper set didn't cost less than
| $25, and she doesn't blame you for not
eating maple caramels. like caramels,
Mr.. Hankinson. Got any ?-[Chicago
| Tribune.
WHY yes, I have seen quite good
deal of Tom Bigbee recently. Fact is,
he's one of the most entertaining men 7
ever met. Really, I didn't know there
was SO much in him. He's positively
brilliant when you get him talking.
Most delightful companion, and SO hos
pitable and" ~ see Which of
Bigbee's sisters is 1.-THE little one with