davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
Mere Nonsense

A great deal of written and spoken
nonsense is nonsense. not because
words are misused, but because they
are ill-placed. Here are some examples:
l. HE blew out his brainSafter saving
goodbye to his wife with 4 blunder-
buss." ,. Being early killed. l sent
a party in search of his mangled body"
3. Il could not cross-eXamine my
children in the family history Of Sir
Charles Grandson and Harriet Byron,
az Lord Macaulay sometimes did" +.
eve cOmplimented them upon dis
cussing matters which were in some
countries found irritating in so calm a
way" 5. "A lantern Of linen and
embossed copper hangs from the cen
ter, thick Turkish carpets cover the
ground, and an enormous knob of
brass, about six feet high, surrounds
it. i" 6. He had jumped into the
river after fastening Il rope around his
neck, the end of which was fastened TO
a big stone" Z. "a tent large enough
TO contain fifty persons of fine work
manship." As regards the first example,
[ fail to see how man can say good
bye to his wife with blunderbuss. As
regards the second, if the writer was
early killed, how does he manage to
write afteIward of how he sent out q
party, etc? The third sentence is a
gem from Sir Henry Hollands's Greco
lections." [ don't know what it i'm
plies; but it may imply that Lord
Macauley was in the habit of catechis-
ing either his own children or Sir
Henry's on the subject of Sir Charles
Grandson; or that he was in the habit
of cross-examining his own children
on some other topic. In sentence four
| read about matters being irritated in
so calm a way, and | feel quite sure
that that is not quite what the author
intended me to understand from his
words. In five | am puzzled to know
what the knob of brass surmounted.
Syntax answers that it was the ground;
but [ suspect that it may have been
the center of the lantern. In SIX learn
for the first time that man can tie the
end of his neck to q stone. In seven [
make the acquaintance of fifty people
of fine workmanship, and | am sure [
am proud to know them. a simple
arrangement of words will set most
of these curious sentences right. What
pity it is that the writer's did not
make the simple Encouragement in
stead of leaving their readers to do it.
-C0SSelpS Sdtx2ddu Journal
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
Newspaper Bores.

No one who has had the least experN-
fence in newspaper office will dispute.
me when | say that the journalist also
has far more than his share of bores to
endure. His lifeis largely made up of
this kind, which he is compelled to take
up aud carry every day he sits at his
desk. The bore appears early in the
day, when the busy newspaper man is
getting comfortably to work, and, is
putting in his big licks''; he comes in
later, when the editors desk is covered
with copy, and the man in charge has
all he can attend 10 without listening
to other matters; he ''bobs up serene
ly'' when the tired journalist is.attempt-
ing to snatch his MONDAY lunch in
peace; he buttonholes his helpless
victim upon the street, corners him IN
the horse-cars. runs him down in the
theatre lobby. calls on him in the guise
of friendship, and finally haunts him in
his sleep, until the poor, WORKOUT
worker drops into slumber, with
dreams in which all creation seem to
be made up of bores, with their never
ending buzz and hum.-Ihe Writer.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
Why They Don't See Wei.

1t is a fact, says d Pittsburg paper,
that large percentage of the men en-
plOyed as heaters in the iron mills of
Pittsburg are more OF less troubled
with defective vision. the nature of
their work compelling them to gaze for
protracted periods upon the dazzling
light Of metal at white heat, which they
must be able to distinguish from the
flames of burning gas which surround
it. Secretary William Martin. Of the
Amalgamated Association of Iron and
Steel Workers in Pittsburg, says that
among men who have worked for few
years in the iron mills near-sighted-
ness or weakness of the eyes is almost
universal, and advised the reporter to
interview few of the employees of any
mill in the city to test this statement.
This was done resulting in confrma-
ton from half a dozen heaters in one
of the largest rolling-mills in the city.
The men seen had worked in the iron
mills for periods ranging from three to
twenty years, and with very slight diff
ference their powers of visions had all
been affected in the same manner.
They are unable to distinguish small
objects at any considerable distance.
One was entirely unable to read the
print in an ordinary newspaper; another
pointed out a clock with a dial a
foot in diameter and said he could
not see the hands ten feet away.
With one the trouble was permanent
and unvarying, while another's eyes
were restored to their normal condi-
tod if he stopped a month. None of
them experience pain, and it does not
seem to have occurred to any one that
a physicians services were needed.
They regard the change that takes
place in their eyes as a sort of process
of getting used to necessary require
ments of their trade.
The reporter on looking into one of
their blazing heaters could distinguish
only a binding glare, scarcely inferior
to the dazzling light of the sun itself.
Yet these men must be able to see
clearly the white-hot masses of metal
through the flames of the gas that is
burning all around them. The diff
Guilty of doing this may be compared
to that which would be experienced in
trying to perceive one bright light
through another. Yet the experienced
heater does it with as much ease as if
ing in water. They say that no degree
of proficiency can be acquired in less
than three months time, and that
since the employment of natural gas in
the furnaces the difficulty has become
much greater and the effect upon the
eye more pronounced.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
The Red Planet.

People who can obtain the privilege
of looking at Mars through the Lick
telescope should not neglect the oppor-
tunity. says the San Francisco GAIL
Several years have elapsed since that
remarkable planet could be seen to
such advantage as at present, and it
will be three years before we have an
equal chance again. 1t has certainly
never been examined before through
telescope of such power as the monster
refractor on Mount Hamilton.
It may be interesting to lovers of as
tronomy to know that the eminent
French astronomer, NJ. Perrotin, is en-
gagged in a minute study of Mars, and
that his discoveries confirm those of M.
Schiaparilli in every particular. 1t
seems actually true that the longitude
stripes which circle round the planet
are bodies of water, and must. accord
ing to all laws of probability, be artifi-
cial. No one ever saw or conceived a
system of parallel rivers from one to
two thousand miles long and straight
as a plumb line Everything is posi-
bic, of course, but such straight rivers
it is impossible to reconcile with the
stand them. On this planet, at all
events, nature abhOrs a straight line,
and by analogy it should do so in
Mars. ha
Yet. if these bodies of water are ca
mails, as Schiaparilli believed and Per-
rotin sees hardly to doubt, what mon
strous works they must be! They arc
from 30 to so miles wide. Fancy the Ia
Dor of digging such a canal, the time it
must have taken, and the number of
workmen it must have employed. The
pyramids of Egypt are tritiing in COM
parison. The Suez canal is 1917 feet
wide at the surface, and the Nicaragu qua
canal is to be 80 feet; the Martial ca
nails are $500 times wider. Our canals
on this one-horse globe are considered
long when they reach 100 miles in
leBgth. The Panama canal will be less
than 60 miles long. The canals OF
Mars reach alength of 1000 miles say
as far as from here to Omaha. y nat
traffic there must be to support such
enterprisesi On the WATERWAYS of chi
IA travellers describe the incessant ebb
and flow of multitudinous crowds: but
to require canals of such dimensions
as we have described, the movement oi
traffic in Mars must he far more BRO
digious. In fact they imply popIlla-
ton which almost staggers belief; con-
sidering the volume Of the planet is
only one-sixth that of the earth, the
diameter being + 400 miles as against
5000 miles, they warrant the widest
coniectures as to the density with
which it is peopled.
What manner of man lives in Mars,
if there be men there, has always been
a favorite topic of speculation. The
law of gravitation tells US that he may
be II feet high; not such son of Anak
as the inhabitant of the asteroids, but
still one who would regard the Belgian
giant as a remarkable dwarf. Posi-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
The Maiden and the Viper.

In the family of a settler, who resides
some half league from Parametta,
was an invalid daughter of an extreme
lY nervous temperament. She was
sleeping one summer afternoon in q
hammock swung between two support
ing standards in the shade of the piaz-
"a, when she was suddenly awakened
by feeling something cold and moist
clinging about her throat. She put her
hand to the spot and clasped the body
of snake just back of the head, and,
with a Mortified cry, Wrenched with all
her strength to pull it away. This was
the first instructive action OF the mo-
ment, but SO great was her terror that
she speedily lost all consciousness of
her position. Her hand, however, still
grasped the snake where she had first
seized upon it and with such a convul-
sive force that the creature was render
ed pOwerless. The cry of the terrified
girl brought the father from within the
house, who instantly came to her relief;
but in the fit which her fright had in
duced her hand had slowly contracted
about the creatures throat with force
which she could not possibly have ex-
erted when awake, and, before her fin
gers were uncIasped by the aid of bit
of hammock cord, the reptile was COM
pletely strangled. Fortunately the
creature had not bitten the girl before
she seized it and after that it was una
bic to do so. 1t is said to have been
four feet long and of poisonous spe-
-jS9Ctney Southern Cross.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21

tionateiy. ana alter they had enjoyed
t short eonversati IN, the son said sud-
denly:
Here, father, take my overcoat; I'll
be back in q minute But the Young
man did not return He learned, how
ever. through Other members of his
regiment, that his boy had returned to
the army and that he served with hon
or and safety to the end of the war,
but although hewrotc repeatedly, there
never came a line of explanation from
the YOUTH After the war all trace of
him was lost. Once, thirteen years
ago. the father saw an account in
newspaper of the drowning of Charles
Davidson in the Pacific creek, and
doubted not that the ungrateful boy
had thus met his punishment in the
form of . violent end.
The other day, however, a travelling
man dropped from train Mt Ann Ar
Dor and accidentally ran across a resi-
dent there who called himself Charles
B. Davidson, had been in the army,
and had spent his boyhood in Adrian.
My fathers name was Lyman, said
he.
And he is still alive. know him."
said the drummer.
What was the exclamation of the
Ann Arborite My father alive?
Why. l wrote him more than hun
dred letters when | was in the army
and never got an answer. l thought
he must be dead"
''Oh, there can't be any mistake
about it. He's very old, but still there. "
The son still had some doubts, but
his visit to Adrian last Sunday assured
him that the drummer had been the
bearer of truthful tidingS. for the faith
er and son met once more after their
separation of twentyfour years.
Mr.. Davidson, the younger, is fore
man in the Ann Arbor Courier office
and superintendent of the City Electric
Light Works, and is an excellent and
respected gentleman. He is now AZ
years old, and his father is 50. They
had lived in adjoining counties for
many years. and but for the drummer's
chance conversation with the son,
would still be unknown to each other.
Here's your overcoat," said the old
man, at their recent joyful meeting,
after they had talked steadily for sew
eral hours. why didn't you come
back for it?''
why, | received a telegram COM
handing me to return to my regiment
at once and 90 to the front. [ had only
time to catch my train, and, although
| tried to send word to you, knew so
few people that | could not do it. |
had to go without saying goodbye to
you, but comforted myself with the
recollection | could write, bat YOU did
not get my letters. ST. LoUjS Globe
Democrat.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
A Rank-LeveIer.

''Hello. there!" exclaimed portly
gentleman. Hello there, Major! Have
you filled that order Of Mulberry &
Greene's yet?''
Yes, sir" replied the Major, az or
dinary-looking individual, with cloth
ing rapidly falling into seediness.
u suppose Capt. Bladesworth at
tended to the copying Of the letters?"
'Well-no; the fact is, the captain
has been on another spree, and so |
got one of the office boys to do the
work"
The captain is getting worse, eh?
Wen have to send him adrift if he
doesn't brace up little Can't stand
much more Of his nonsense. You may
tell him that one more spree and he
goes-d'ye hear. maior?"
Yes. sir; I'll tell the captain; but I
fear there's little hope for him.
Yes, he has got pretty bad. that's a
fact; but we'll give him just one more
chance. But where is Col Blouslev."
The colonel is down cellar fixing
the furnace"
when he comes up tell him TO wash
the windows in my office here. and
while he is about it he may as well
clean all the windows. The colonel is
getting mighty lazy of late, and we
must keep him at something or he'll
die Of dry rot. And, by the waS, ma
ior, send Gen. Bean here immediately"
Beg your pardon, sir, but the gen
eral is out in the Darkroom backing
my boots; shall let him finish them
frst?"
"Oh, yes; I'm in no particular hurry;
but as soon as he gets through send
the general here. want him to sweep
out and clean these cuspidors."
The writer, who was present at this
conversation, could not refrain from
asking the gentleman first mentioned
Il few questions.
''Who is thatman you called maior?"
THAT is Mai. Strong. He has fine
military record, and was several times
mentioned in general orders for gallant
" on the field"
'And who is the Capt. Bladesworth
YOU spoke of?''
''Why, is it possible you never heard
of Capt. Bladesworth? He was one of
service. A splendid disciplinarian and
a perfect tiger in battle"
And now he is drunkard?n
Yes; when the war ended, the cap
tain went right down, and he has been
down ever since"
And this Col. Blousley, who fixes
furnaces and cleans windows-surely
his title is given to him through face
tiousness?"
Not bit of it. / have seen the
colonel many time at the head of his
regiment, and a very superior officer
he was, too"
land this Gen. BEAM"
"a full major general, sir. He did
excellent service in the Army of the
Potomac. and you'll find his name in
connection with almost all the leading
events in the Virginia campaigns
And now he is bootblack and gen
eral scrub?"
''Oh, that's nothing; life is full of
changes, you know"
But, Mr.. Remington, you were in
the army, too, believer"
YES.
''An officer. of course?"
Not /. l was high private in the
rear rank, and carried a musket for
four years. Boston Transcript
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21

When Mary Ann UoIIinger got the skuIe
daown thar on IDjun Bay
! was glad ferI like ter see gal maxim her
honest way.
II heerd some talk in the village abaout her
fiyin high,
Tew high fer busy farmer folks with chores
tew dew ter hy
But paid no sorter attention ter all the talk
ontc0
She came in her reg'Iar boGrdin' raound ter
visit with US a spell.
Ny Jake an her he'd been cronies ever sence
they could walk.
An it TUX me aback ter hear her kerrectin'
him in his talk,
Jake amt no hand at grammar, though he
haint his beat fer work;
But | SEE ter myself, Look eout, my gal, yer
afOolin' with Turk!
Jake bore it wonderful patient and said in q
!nOurnful way
He p'sUmed he was behindhand with the doin's
at Injun Bay.
/ remember once he was askin' for some O.
MY fnjun buns,
An she said he should aIlus say, them air, -
std o. them is the ones
Wal, Mary Ann KEEP at him stiddy. mornin'
an evenin long.
Tell he dassent open his mouth fer fear O.
talkin' wrong.
One day | was pickin' currants daown BIZ the
cid ounce tree,
When | heard Jakes voice a-sayin', BE ye
willin' ter marry meI''
An Mary Ann kerTectin'-"AiT We Willln g,
yeOu should say
Our Jake he put his foot down in plum de
cided way.
NO wimmen-folks is a-going ter rearrangin'
me:
Hereafter say craps, them is, l caIll'late, an
J be.
Ell folks don'tlikc my talk they needn't bark
ter what ] say
But amt a-going' tertake no sass from folks
from Iuiun Bay:
ask We free an final, BE yer going ter mar
~ me<'"
An Mary Ann sez tremblin' yet anxi0us-Hke,
u be.'
D E. Pratt, in New York Tribune,
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21

order to tear himself from the hideous
temptation. The whole thing IS like
a blight along the coast. The neigh
bors, as you have seen. are eager to
abandon everything for the chance OF
finding what does not exist
But, cried jeff, at does exist! I
saw it myselfi''
'.Eh?" interiected the clergyman
The finest and most delicious water
I ever tasted, said jeff.
Water echoed the parson. ''You
are digging for water?'
What else?" cried Mr. jeff You
didn't suppose l was digging for gold?"
s'Of course we did.' bawled the red
faced man.
.'Certainlyr' uttered the clergyman
Were You not aware that this Jagged
piece u coastland is supposed to be the
place where some notorious pirate
buried the most of his treasures?0
Never heard of it." doggedly de-
clared jeff. Il don't believe it, and |
don't think any pirate ever buried any
money. If he did, haven't the least
idea that [ shall find it. I'm digging
for we'll Of water, to Tighten my
wife's homework, and | propose to
keep on doing so"
The parson shook hands most cor
daily with him; the red-faced man
Went away, muttering something
about people with no enterprise"
And that night John JET did his
digging all alone. No one came to help
him. Nevertheless he was Il man OF
courage and perseverance. and he dug
the vel. and the sweet drops Of the
spring were garnered up like 4 fountain
in the wilderness.
(Which observed Nanny. lis a
great deal better for me than any
pirates treasure"
70 this day, however the neighbors
ali believe that they have been taken
i'm
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
just a Trif1e too Shrewd.

The inaptitude of the female mind
Gin rare instances, we mean) to take a
comprehensive view of business trans
action is marvellous. At a dry-goods
store in this city a woman recently
called for some sort of trimming,
which we will not attempt to describe,
because we could not. She was told
that piece, containing ten yards,
would cost her so cents. Then a con-
versation something like the following
ensued:
Customer-Oh, I don't want whole
piece. How much is it by the yard?
Saleswoman-We have to charge {
cents a yard when we cut it.
Give cents? Well, / guess seven
yards will be enough. (Here the stuff
is measured.)
S.-Thirty-five cents, please.
Glow much is there left?
S.-Three yards.
c. presumably mentally reckoning
that ten times five are fifty)-HoW
much for the whole ten yards?
S. (demurely, but with an eve tc
business oh, YOU can have the ten
yards for 45 cents.
C.-Nery well, guess Ill take ten
yards. Planks down 45 cents and de-
parts satisfied. -Nelcburyport Herald.
Heavy machinery is now run by
artesian well power in many parts OF
France, and the experience of the
French show that the deeper the vel
the greater the pressure and the higher
the temperature. The famous Grenelle
well sank to the depth of 1,S00 feet
and flowing daily some 500, 900 gallons
has pressure of sixty pounds to the
square inch, the water being also sc
hot that it is used for heating the
hospitals.
A doctor always remembers kindly
his first patient-if the patient lives
San Francisco Chr0nacle.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21

bly, the enormous public works on
Mars may be explained on the theory
that these tall fellows can work in pro-
portion to their statUre-that one citi-
zen of Mars can shovel as much dirt as
two and half denizeEs of this world.
Whether the grass of Mars IS red, as
the old astronomers ayerred, modern
telescopes have failed To decide. it is
very difficult Ia determine c1logs when
an object lens collects thirty thousand
times rs much .Ight rs normally enters
the eye. But the speculative astrono-
mer is safe in asserting his belief that
Marian cabbages are of the color of
our beet roots, as no one can disprove
the assertion.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
Men of Great Memories.

AS an illustration of how the memo
ry may be cultivated in retaining a long
list of numbers, one has Onlyto observe
the freight conductors, and very often
remarkable examples of retentive
memories will be found. One of them
recently talked to a st. Louis Globe
Democrat reporter as follows:
Il have been on the road as freight
conductor for fourteen years, and in
that time my memory has had a care
full training in the particular line of re-
tanning the numbers on the cars. |
start out on run and know the num-
Der of all the cars with which the train
is made up, and while some cars will
be left at stations along the road and
other cars will be taken up, yet at the
end of our run if an officer asks me if
| have a car number so-and-so | can
invariably tell him without referring to
my book.
Now, when it is remembered that
the train may be made up of forty
cars, and that the numbers run all the
way from the hundreds to the twenty
five and thirty thousands, and that a
dozen cars may be taken off and an
other dozen taken on along the road,
my statement undoubtedly seems in
credible to those not Familiarity ac-
quainted with this particular depart
ment of railroading. But it is a fact,
nevertheless, and | have known quite
a number of freight conductors who
have memories of equal retentiveness.
Noting the numbers on the cars
daily for years a conductor becomes 80
familiar with the work that his memo
ry holds these large numbers with but
little difficulty. The style and peculiar
finish of the cars from different roads
are also learned, and conductor at Il
glance can tell the road to which car
belongs as far as he can see it..
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
He Got His Overcoat.

In 1888, Charles B. Davidson, the
son of Lyman Davidson, a rather prom
inent citizen of Adrian, Mich, left that
place, accompanied by sister, and To-
Gated in western Missouri their mother
having previously died. Shortly after
their arrival at their Western home,
young Davidson enlisted in the Union
army, and in 1864 visited his father at
Adrian on a furlough. He reached this
city in the night, and the next morning
repaired to the Lake Shore car shops,
where he knew his father was employ
ed. The old man greeted him afec-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21
He Was Not Married.

A Congressman dead against wo-
mans rights was talking TO delegate
to the international Council of Women.
why" he said, ''you women can't
be men, you can't vote, and you can't
tight"
Cant fight, can't we?" she said,
with cold glare in her eyes. on
are bachelor; amt you?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-06-21

Northumberland Brewster left an
estate valued at 100000, to be held III
trust for his son until he reaches the
zoe of 80. If his son dies without issue
fore reaching that age the property
-9es 10 the Sisters of St. Francis OF
PhiIadelphia.