Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1888-02-29
BILL NYE'S BUTTER:
Which Illustrates the Elaborate
Beauty OF Railroad Cores
pondence:

pondence:
Some years ago, while engaged IL
the act of growing up with the coun-
try, L discovered that the price of but
ter was being bulled in the Western
market, and that choice Nebraska
butter, with dark circles under it's eyes,
was worth forty cents. Wyoming did
not produce butter enough for home
consumption. Being a stock-growing
country exclusively. We ate condensed
milk and bought our butter Of Ne
braska, and | may add that Nebraska
ate her best butter herself, shipping
West that variety which had been
taken in trade at the Indian agencies.
Ii was a dappled variety OF butter,
with scalp lock on 1t and highly
treachero9s. Though pale and listless
generally, If aroused or trodden upon il
had the superhuman strength OF a
maniac. 1t was such butter as from
tier traders get in return for whisky.
Some idea OF the hidden force con,
tained in this grocery may De obtained
when we remember that frontier
WHISKY is frequently swapped for st,
bulk for bulk. 1 soon learned to dis
Ike this butter passionately, and sent
East Tor some to be shipped by rail at
once-butter that was made from real
cream distilled from the luscious COW.
received notice that the butter had
been shipped. Part OF 1t arrived. Only
twenty pounds out of eighty, but the
freight bill on the whole amount got
in one day ahead or the twenty pound
tub.
paid the bill, and not knowing any OF
the officials but the General Passenger
Agent, with whom had held some cor
respOndence, 1 wrote him. He wrote mt
coldly, by means of a long primer ed
ltorlal, that fsuch claims should go tC
the General Freight Agent. / wrote Il
the General Freight Agent In a tone
OF pleasant banter, asking him to re.
turn the butter; that liked fun just
as well as anybody, but that it had
gone far enough. OF at least part of II
had, and that If he would send on the
rest before it acquired that peculiar
bouquet which comes to butter when il
Is in its full meridian L would bt
obliged.
He wrote me asking for the bill Of
lading or way bill or manifest, what
ever it was, stating also that the lettel
was dictated. l had a long cores
pondence with him extending over {
number of years. and throughout The
whole blindly infatuating Interchange
of thought he never came right ou
and said that these were his sent
imeRts, but always claimed that eacl
was dictated letter. He did not tel
me who dictated them.
In the meantime my butter wa
| probably side-tracked in a small place
seeking niadly to get out and shriekin;
for air. i was going to say wildl
tearing its hair, but It was not tina
kind of butter.
The General Freight Agent wrot
| me at last that he had sent a transfe
after if. l went home and told m
wife that the General Freight Ageu
had sent a tracer and a ST. Bernau
dog in search of our butter.
Some time then elapsed, though W
had been eating bacon gravy on ou
bread two years, when a letter from
the General Freight Office, addresses
IN beautiful Spencerian hand, wit
bloated capitals, was received an,
contents noted. In business CORES
pondence contents are almost invarl
ably noted. The General said that tn
tracer had just returned, thougl
fatigued, judged from the wonderful
word-paintiDg of the letter. In m,
minds eye l could see the tracer, witt
| its tongue out about four inches
sinking down exhausted in the Genera
| Freight Office.
The letter stated that the return o
! the tracer had demonstrated the fac
! that the butter was lostI
had often feared it myself. / haC
| frequently dreamed that my butter wa
IN lost and undOne condition.
wrote again and asked the General i
| he could not wrench loose some NOR,
facts like that by twisting the tail o.
a tracer. / said it in sneering way
| for L was mad,
He wrote once more to state that the
matter had been turned over to the
Auditor, and that he begged leave tC
subscribe himself my friend and well.
wisher and to repeat with even greater
earnestness than ever before that this
was dictated letter.
l then studied the style and orthog.
raphy, syntax and proSody of the Au.
ditor. He reproyed me sharply fol
| sending so far away after butter, and
then went to Florida to seek much.
needed rest. l then fell into the hands
of the First Assistant Auditor, who
enjoyed signing his name to statements
which did not in any way compromise
him.
But L must be brief. l can not enter
into details. / know there was a lonl
discussion over the question whether
the consignor had released the butter
or not, and if so whether the consignol
or consignee would be liable for dam
age done by released butter while in
transitu.
L never got the butter, but 1 OBJ
tained terse English style of erecting
Gothic sentences, banked up with ode
little three-cornered adjectives that
could have secured in no other way
l was paid for the butter at last, buI
when my grandchildren climb on my
knee as l write these lines and ash
what it was that made my affluent hail
so white, while my face is still 81
young and SO fair, L tell them thil
story.