Morning journal and courier., 1888-03-05
UNIVERSA

"Volapuk, Mr.. Higgins, is universal Ian.
guage that nobody speaks. Life.
Stranger Ito Washington Hotel clerk
''Will you direct me to the barroom!" Clerk
l-"Yes, sir, follow the procession. Epoch
Customer-This stuff is not fit for a hog te
eat.
Waterfall right, sor. Don't ate it.
Texas Siftings.
Husband-I never saw a woman so hard te
please as yeu, my dear.
Wife (ealmly)-I am not SO sure about
that, John. I married you, you know.
In the adjoining reom.7-Bobby listening
the parlorg" Mother-''No, dear, he is writ
ing with his new fountain pen Epoch
Miss Brimmer {between gasps)-"You'n
p-pardon-me-Mr. Sontag if-I remind you
thst-this is simply fgure-in the german,
and-not a t-tackle in a footbal1-match' -
Judge.
Indignant restaurant diner--See here,
walter You've split about quart of soup
down the back of my neckl
Waiter (suavely)-There'n be no charge
for the extra soup, sir.-Burlingten Free
Press.
George" asked the teacher of Sunday
school class, 'swhom, above all others, shall
you wish to see when you get to heaven?"
With face frightening up with anticipa
tion the little fellow shouted: "GerIiah. y
Christian Register.
First citizen-"You are looking we'll this
morning, Brown" Second citizen-'Yes; ]
enjoyed uninterrupted nights rest. Il
was the first time in weeks that burglars
didn't ransack the house. live in Brooklyn,
you know. Epoch.
Wife-"Oh, dear! The fire will have to bs
built againl" Husband-"Is that SOL That.
too bad" Wife-''Why do you suppose i
goes out so often?' Husband-tGoes out tc
get something to keep it warm, just as an
going to do. I'll be back in an hour or So ,
Lowell Courier.
Reuben-It's too bad, Pete, bout Wilsunl
bein' cut O. work. I'm 'fraid he'll hab kinde
hard work to make bofe ends meet.
Pete (who never heard the expression be
by his present circumstans, he'll be might,
lucky if he kin make one end vegetable
Harpers Bazar.
Tramp Ito fussy old gentleman)-"Wil
you please give me ten centa, sir, I'n
| starvings" Fussy old gentleman (producinI
a bill)-"Dear me, starving. Can 20,
| change a dollar?" Tramp-"Yes, sir.
Fussy old gentleman (pocketing the change
| ''Dear, dear, starvingl Bless me, but thi
| world is full of misery!"-Epoch.
| She had been rhapsodizing about Brown
| and as she sat there in the aickering freight
| shading her eyee with one shapely hand, h
| thought he had never seen fairer picture
She was about to go when her little broth
er opened the door. Penelope" he said
| ''can't have some of them cold beans yot
put away to eat after Mr.. Waldo goes homes?
Sun.
Gus-'How do, Chollya Come in and-av
-have-aw-glass of sodah." Cholly-
"Cawn't do it, Gus. Got too-aw-mucl
business to attend to this mawning, and /
aw have to keep clear head" Gus-'WhJ
-aw--what is it, yknowa" Cholly-"Why
i-aw-nave to purchase for mamma a-aW
dozen postage stamps and owdah a-aw-
new paiawr of twoussrs for myself. Life
A scissors grinder man was walking slowly
down Main street, ringing a merry ting-a
ing-ling chime on his bell when woman
rushed to tho front door and asked in e
breathless voice: "Do you grind scissors?'
The man looked at her a moment and theI
meekly answered: "No; I black boots. My
father is dead and I carry this grindstone
around to conceal my trade. Umbrellas tc
mend! Ting a-ling-ling. Darby News In.
dspeudent