Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-09

81 - ing house request tn
~ -o pleasure of you
presence at the SAM
2 on Dec. 81. We do not expect you to be present
\ in fact we would rather have letter of regre
0 from you. If you would so favor it would no
be published but simply be read on the evening
with other communications of like nature etc.
etc.
As there is no stamp inclosed in reply tt
the above letter, | have decided to reply
=. brifly through the columns of the press
. The idea of soliciting letter of regret i:
original with the writer of the above, whose
name is kindly suppressed This reply will
come little late for the 1887 Christmas, but
1T may be retained for that of 1885,
As one who has gladdened many a social
gathering by well worded letter of regret,
desire to state that hail with joy this new
and ingenious method of saying distinctly in
letter of invitation whether ones regrets
would be preferable to his company. This
custom will finally revolutionize society, and
letters of invitation will some day state dis
tinctly whether the guest will afford the
greatest delight to his host by accepting OF
declining the invitation. 1t will be a big
thing. Eminent men, like DR.. Mary Walker
and the writer of these lines, will then have
more regrets than they know what to do
with.
1t will also simplify the matter of enter
tainment itself and render it purely cleri-
cal matter. With good typewriter a man
of moderate means could issue invitations
enough in one forenoon to yield column
and a half of regrets
He could then, on the evening of the
banquet, congregate himself around light
| collation. of mush and milk, write up an ac-
| count of the debauch and send it in to the
morning papers, accompanied by the letters
| of regret, and it would read well and cost
| very little Invitations might read as fol-
lows:
Mr.. - requests the pleasure of a letter from
you declining and regretting your inability to be
present at his Christmas tree. The letter should
not coStain over 500 words and must be written
only on one side of the paper.
r. S. ". p Z. 0. d. T. f.
Replies should be in the handwriting of the
person invited, and should not only containa
large blue mass of regrets, but branch off in
a way that would really jerk out the stinger
which letter of regrets generally contains.
For instance, letter from the president
should contain, beside the pang expressed in
his regret, a fragment of his message and
lock of his hair. A letter of regret from Mr..
Whittier should contain an autograph poem
these conditional invitations would be ex-
pected to embody portions of forthcoming
speeches in their letters of regret. Artists
would be expected to jerk pen and ink sun
set in the corner of their reply, suitable for
an album, and musicians could insert bar
of a favorite opera.
This method of swapping stationery for au-
tograph regrets would soon, if properly
handled, yield more than silver wedding
and b. Infinitely more versatile. 1t prevents
the WI 'esale tramping of cake into the car
pet, because you need not have cake and you
need not have any one to tramp it into the
carpet. No cards, no cake, no carpet, no
company.
The time is approaching when man with
lock box at the postoffice, sixty cents worth
of stationery and the utmost confidence in him
self can produce for publication an account
of the orgies at his house, which would make
the reading public extremely angry because
it was not present
All of the foregoing, except the letter of
invitation, is written in a tone of banter and
raillery. The letter is genuine, and was
written by young man of this city. If he
had said that my letter declining his invita-
tion would be published, very likely would
have replied by mail, but he has maddened
me by asking for confidential autograph
letter of regrets which would not get into
print. Another form Of invitation may read |
as follows:
Compliments of Mr. and Mrs. Borntobl,ish Tn. |
seen, who would be tic1led almost to death on re.
ceiving word that Mr.. William Continuously cam |
not be present at their Christmas tree. The tree
is given largely for the purpose of making the |
people who live opposite hate themselves to death,
and letters of bitter regret and disappointment |
are expected from many noted people. Please |
send in 'copy'' by o'clock The transom over
the door will be left open late 1890 for the
reception of Christmas gifts.
Letters of regret may be coucned IN choice |
language, expressing poignant grief in the
first line or two and then branch out in the |
direction of grief, pathos, humor, patriotism,
poetry, politics or trade. The following is
the style which would be in best taste for
poet:
My DEAR Mr.. AND Mrs. THT IFTY-As write
these words tears well up to my surcharged orbs,
and if Bunny were here would like to lean my
head in her lap and have good cry. cannot at
tend your beautiful Christmas tree, as shall have
TO remain at home up to late hour writing letters
of regret to people who will be bitterly disaIt-
pointed unless they receive them.
Hoping that you will have good time and see |
that this letter of regret goes into the paper
straight, remain, yours truly, etc.
This custom will make every host his own
historian, reporter and social biographer, and
with purple imagination, fountain pen
and messenger boy, man may entertain
like a prince.
But sad thought comes to me as close
this column of bright anticipations. Per-
haps an exception has been made in my own
case 1t may be that the custom is not to
become general, but that in my case the host
has seen me at some other gathering and de-
cided that would do better and shine with
more effulgence as a regretter than as q
guest, and so, with that prompt and ready
iiscernment which should characterize the
true host, he has assigned to me that part on
The programme which he thought nature had
best fitted me for!
And so, while fair women and brave men
beneath the ruddy light sway to and fro to
the yoluptuous measures of Strauss waltz,
or happy voices burst forth in song and eyes
tell of love to other eyes which in return
make a similar remark, shall be permitted
10 fill the air and the postoffice with my vain
Hah Oh narrowing thought! 1t
cannot, must not bel Once more make the
same statement, viz, "Hahv-Bill Nye IN
New York World