Tombstone epitaph., 1888-01-21
DEACON BURDETTE.
His Witty Talks Out O Meetin' Upon
 Timely Topics.


 @Papa.r said Ethel, q do not think you are just to Mr. Sophomore; was walking with him last night. His head is full of ideas" "Yes yes," said the professor, and went on reading the proof of his lecture on "Micro- scopic Thought" "'we cannot realize the in- finite littleness of the cholera bacteria, when we know that 30, ,0C0, ,0OO, 900 of them occupy space no larger than pins head Yes, yes; as you say, he has great many ideas; but they are''--goes on reading proof
 NEER PASTED THE VOLUNTEER AT A.
 q am weary of this humdrum life," said Calliopus "Why, what are you doing| "Tuning hurdy gurdies." "Shake; am writing speeches on tariff reduction"
 BUT FARE YE WELL, AULD THISTLE BENl Young Mr. Sawbones, first year in medical college; sees an edit orial headed "The Dan- ger of Apathy"-"1he incomprehensible ig- norance of these editors!" he exclaims grand Jy; 'they write about things of which they know absolutely nothing. Now, you take apathy in time and there isn't dangerous feature in it: the veriest quack can handle it." Puts on his hat and goes out to look af- ter case of incipent inertia.
 VIE AIBLINs MIGHT DINNA KEN.
 Lawyer Buldozer--Do you know anything about George Thorpes Stupid Witness-Yes, sir. Lawyer B-Ah, you dos Do you know any good about hims Witness-No, sir. . "Oh, you donts Well, then, do you know anything bad about hima" Witness-No, sir. "Then, for mercy's sake, what do you know about hmg" q know he died twenty years before ever heard of him."
 sTl IL HAE A STAKE.
 A Boston b, oker lost wallet containing S15. GOO on the street and a newsboy found 1t and brought it to the owner. The man struggled with Q terrible temptation to be mean and sordid for a moment, and then. forgetting self and casting to the winds his greed of gain as he trampled the temptation under his feet, gave the honest boy permls- sion to go on the Common and play every day, "We can trust you," sobbed the grate- ful man; "we know that you will keep off the grass" Oh, how often this opportunity to make others happy by a kind word, gentle | smile or some little act of kindness knocks at our doors and we heed it not, until it is too late. Oh, that more people were like the Boston man. P. S.-They are.)
 ''wHEN HAME YE MAKE!" Where, oh, where has the young man gone who graduation clothes put on, some time along the last of May, and owned the whole wide world for a day? And where is the sweet girl graduate, who chanted an essay dread with fate and started out with gig glng frown to turn this old world upside down9 And where is last years candidate, who had things fixed for this years slatee Who carried around, as you'd believe, Q couple of counties in his sleeve? And where | is the scribe with vaulting will who tried @ louc felt szant to fill. and courted shekels and | renown with minion paper in bourgeois town? The lad has divided the world up fair, and holds but his own eight billionth share; the sweet girl grad. is a grand surprise, and conquers the world with well made pies; the candidate with the deathless "gall" is fixing himself for another fall; while the journalist with the naughty crest has gone the way of last years nest So year by year and day by day the world runs on in the same old way the balloon that is biggest round about is the flabbiest rag when the gas is out.
 IT MAKs AN UNCo' LEEwAY.
 There is one thing Ignatius O'Donnelly might have done very easily, if he had thought of it-he might do it yet-prove thai Harriet Beecher Stowe didn't write the "Unclt Toms Cabin" that is presented on the stage ten times week all through and between tht season. He could find plenty of ciphers, il the cast; the two Topseys, the two Markses the two donkeys, and the latest company an nounces two Uncle Toms-these, with tn, four meat hounds, would give an ingenious man ciphers enough to prove anything.
 AN SWAT WI DREAD
 "Is there any benefit in monopoliesW asked the teacher. "There is" answered the smar bad boy. "And what is it!' Owning an in terest in one." He was kept in two hours.
 REAL AND IMITATION BABIES.
 A Boston woman comes out in print to de nounce "that lingual dish wash popularl, known as baby talk" Oh, well, that's to b expected in Beanvlle, where Joseph Cook i regarded as model child's nurse ant primary kindergarten teacher. We believe firmly believe, that baby who! which that9 is born with eye glasses and theor, should be called a babe at birth and ad dressed as sir or madam.
 . Out upon your machine made babel
 knew one long ago. His name was Henderson Ingraham Stillweather, and his parents calle, him that when he was in his cradle He wa but 5 years old when first l met him, dowl by the Illinois river. He said to me: "Excus me, sir, but could you kindly enlighten me a to the character of this strange looking craf toward which our steps are tending and, also can you tell me to whom does it belonga" , clutched the little monster by the neck an, held him under the dredge boat for an hour I expected scene with his mother. but sh only said that "Henderson was very ia advanced; his Uncle Dennison did not drowl until he was 49" They didn't bury Tender f son. They pressed him betv cen the pages o Colto $ Atlas, and he flattened out an, dried just like fern. That's what become of that sort of children. l am glad drowned him. am looking around for nor like him. People who wean their infants o dictionaries will do well to keep them unde l glass until lose my tomahawk. Wagh!-
 Brooklyn Eagle.