News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-09-20

THE WINTERS SPECTRE.
The seasons as they roll,
Put up the price of coal,
Then, rolling as before,
They put it up some more.
POINTER FOR THE THIRD PARTY.
"The Prohibitionis ought to buy
that tract of land" said Richmond tc
Hawlev, pointing to a number of acres
that had been inundated by rise in 8
Western river.
Hawley found it a trife tiresome
when be asked what they could use ii
for, to be told, "a cold water tract. -
Tid-BitS.
LOSING HIS POPULARITY.
Friend Ito eminent barn stormer)-
How did you make out on your recent
trip, Cholemon deley.
Eminent barn stormer-I played tc
poor business everywhere. tell you,
old man, Shakespeare is losing his grip,
Life.
A LITTLE CONFUSED.
Jack-Sis, What is that funny little
noise [ hear all day2
Sis-Why, Jack, that's cricket You
don't mean to tell me that you don't
know the cricket's song?
Jack-Reallyl They never sing when
sit on them.
MIsERIEs OF POVERTY.
First parson (cheerily)-Yes, I'm of
for the mountains; my hay fever date is
next week. When does your attack be-
gin2
Second parson (sadly)-I shan't have
the hay fever this year-congregation is
too poor.
"IT's ABOUT AND ABOUT"
Johnnie-I wish I lived in South
America.
Mother-Why Johnnie?
any slippers.
eyes, my son, but you must also re-
member that the little boys in South
America do not wear any trousers.
"That's SO. It's queer that 1 never
thought about that. "-Teras Siftings.
NOT DANGEROUS.
"Julia, perhaps am staying too 1ato
Is not that your father tapping on the
floor overhead 2"
eyes, Arthur, but don't go yet. He
isn't dangerously mad until he goes
tearing along the hall beating the
gong"
PATHOLOGICAL.
Teacher-What is tautology9
Boy-Repetition.
Teacher-Give me an example.
Boy-We are going to have sleeps
head for dinner, and my sister Elsie's
beau is coming to dinner, also.
Teacher-Go up head.
Platter.
Dealer-What's wrong with the bay
marc? She seems bit lame. Has she
cast a plate2
Groom-Cast plate 1 was drivin'
her in dawg cart this mornin', and she
bolted and pitched into cartload O
crockery; and talk about castin' plate,
blow me if she didn't cast whole
bloomin' dinner service, to say nothink
of tournaments Fun.
A MILD HERO.
Mickey-Did Pizen Jake, the Count
of Bridgewater in disguise, carry der
lovely dorter of der trapper up der pre-
cerpiece?
Stubby (who is reading dime novel;
he left her wild der Injuns an
went after help.
Mickey docking sick)-He did2 He
was good 'un, he was. I'd Ell smashed
der two chiefs an dere follerers and took
der lovely maiden in me arms an carried
her up der canyon on der run. T'row
der book in der gutter, Stubby; it must
be dis ere Sunday yschool guff.-Teras
4Sittings.
THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN.
First Architect and Builder-What's
wrong, James,
Second Architect-meanest swindle
ever 1 heard of. You know old Skin
flint? Well, 1 put up a $4,000 house
for him, and when the bills came in for
$40, 900 he got mad.
"Well, well!"
"But that isn't all. The old swindler
Immediately put all his other property
IN his wife's name, and now he says if [
want my money I've got to take the
house for my pay. -PhiLadelphia Record.
STRANGE SIGHTS.
l saw a cow-slip through the fence,
house-fy in a store;
saw wood-chuck up the road
And stone pick on the floor.
Cleveland Herald
A BILL TRAvERs STORY.
One day Mr.. Travers ssrolled into
Henry Clew's Office and greeted him
with:
''Hello, H-h-enry."
"How do you do, William2 Sit
down."
"N-no. h-h-haven't got ti-ti-time.
] just wawa-wanted toto ask you some
thing"
"Well, fire away"
"They t-t-tell me you c-c-claim to be
a self-m- made m-man."
eyes, William, | do claim to be
self-made man. [ began life selling
and now [ am one of the |
greatest bankers in the United States"
"Ah! t-that is certainly v-very p-p-p-
praise-worthy on your p-p-part, b-but,
Henry, w-w-when you M m made your
self w-why didn't You p-p-put little |
N m ore hair on t-t-Op of your head?"
LONG SIGHTEDNEss.
Hell see Miss Jones is back from |
Paris.
She "a spirited rivaD-I noticed her
lress was cut rather low, but [ didn't |
suppose you could see her back from
hat distance. -I'eras SJtingS.
LEARNED TO SHOP.
Pretty Miss-Have you any plows?
Jeweler-Plows?
Yes; or harrows?"
Harrows2"
Yes; or rakes, or hoes, or moving
=" See here, my little miss, you seem
o be out of your head, and [ don't
lnow but may be L ought to call doc
or or policeman or"
ooh, mercy me! Don't do that My
lead is all right. You see, wanted to
% shopping, and as 1 had not any
money ma told me to be careful not to
SIX for anything the store l went into
'as likely to have in stock.-PhiLacteJ-
hi0 Record.
GETTING EVEN WITH HER.
Mrs. Culver (waking in the night 1
ohm, I'm sure there's burglars down {
bairs
Mr.. Culver (sleepily)-Stuff! Let {
I'M burgle.
Mrs. Quiver--O Johnl didn't You |
romise at the altar to protect me? {
Mr.. Quiver-Bah And didn't you &
romise to obey me? It's stand off,
udge,