News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-12-13

ician) oh, doctor, how do you do!
You look lining this evening!
Young / ysician Quietly - Thank
you, but I'm not I'm on duty, don't
you know ?-Drdk6's Magazine.
DUcKED HIS HEAD.
"You ducked your head" said the
magistrate to Patrick Lane, who charged
Joseph Kavanagh with shooting at him
in the Strand.
"Faith, and did, your worship.
It's better to be a coward for five min
utes than to be dead all your lifetime. "
London Globe.
UNDERSTOOD THE BASS DRUM.
"Then you think you really appreci-
ate orchestral music, Mr.. Fitzroy?" she
said i'll a quizzical sort of way
"Well-er-yes. That is think do.
Once in a while, you know, the instru-
ments seem to be all out of tune, and
wander little, but when the man hits
the bass drum solid all is clear to me. 1"
--HarJ0rd Post.
THE WRONG HEAD.
McSorley-I see there was row in
your street last night I'm glad the
trouble has come to head at last.
McGuff-Well, I'm not.
McSorley-Why not?
McGuf (emphatically)-Because it
was my head.-LOooeU Citizen.
| MIR. wINKs' EXCUSE.
Mrs. Winks-You surely are not going
out tonight?
Mr.. Winks-Yes, my dear, election
you know.
Mrs. Winks-The election is over
Mr.. nks-Um-er-yes, my dear,
this one is; but there'll be another
election in four years my dear, and every
good citizen must begin to think about
candidates, you know, my love. I'll be
back early. Philadelphia Record.
ANSWERING THE DOCTOR.
Doctor passing a stonecutter's yarD
Good morning Mr. Jones. Hard at
work, [ see. [ suppose you finish your
grave stones as far as "In Memory of "
and then wait for some one to die, eh ?
Stonecutter-Why yes-unless some
body's sick, and you're dcctoring EN-;
then L keep right on.
A HEROINE DEFINED.
''Pa," asked the small boy, ''what is
a heroine?"
''Your mother is q heroine" " replied
the parent.
GLOW a heroine22
his as fnG5me ;57 was 5sa' anis $500 sasHsr
she knew it."
METROPOLITAN NOISE.
Kansas City Resident Con board train
to stranger)-Well, sir, we have reached
the metropolis of the great and grow
ing West at last We are in Kansas
City. This is S40th street.
Stranger (peering out of the window
Well, what is that peculiar noise?
Kansas City Resident-That, sir, is
the croaking of frogs. Our climate here
will raise anything.
EASILY IDENTIFIED.
Husband-My dear, didn't you say
you once owned parrot and it got
away?
Wife-Yes; poor, poor Poll =
"Was it large green bird, with q
Roman-nose bill?"
eyes, yes. Have you seen it9'
"Well, there is q parrot on Green
street which I think may have been
yours.
"How 10 ely Did it keep asking for
crackers
"No, it opt asking for money
PhiladeLph record.
CAL FoRTITUDE.
Dentist tooth you want extract
ed is very fl ly set. Will you take
gas?
Patient-No, never take gas.
"Ever had tooth extracted before 2"
"No, but | was best man at q we'd
ding once, and l took no gas then. -
Nebraska State J0urHaI
THE CAUSE OF THE DISTURBANCE.
A woman's club meeting broke up in
great disorder the other day. 1t was
held in the parlor of the president and
was debating "Ihe Lady or the Tiger,
Which?" when one of the members sit
ting next to the window gave fearful
scream. Then ensued an immediate
panic. The cause of the disturbance
was great big h-O-r-r-i-d spider rs large
as nutmeg that hung suspended from
the lace curtains so close to those sitting
there that it could have bitten them. 1t
didn't bite because it was made of rub
ber and wire. But it was narrow es-
cape for all those defenceless women
Detroit Free Press.
THE CoIGNE OF VANTAGE.
''Why do you persist in sitting at that
side of the table p said Mrs Brown.
"Because," replied little Johnnie, 81
want to be opposite that part of the
pudding where the most plums are"
HE HAD TO SAY IT.
Mrs. Brazor-My dear Colonel, Ican't
tell you how entirely and supremly de-
lighted 1 am to see you. Do sit down.
Colonel Brusk (who has been waiting
an hour for her to come down stairs)-
Madam, you may be entirely delighted,
and you may be supremely delighted,
but I'm teetotally blest if l think you're
ste1denly delighted.-Juttge.
SIGNS OF SUCCESS.
Mrs. Minks-How has young Mr..
Hopeful's novel turned out?
MIR. Minks-Guess it's q great sue
cess; must be selling like hot cakes.
Tndeed has any one told you so7'
s'No, but he is letting his hair grow
long and has begun to roll his eyes. -
PhiLade}phiG Record
AN UNFORTUNATE ADMISSION.
Youngest Daughter (of father of seven
of them)-Papa, L can't positively
can't stand the strainl 1 NM must
tt tell you! had planned to elope to-
night.
Papa-Just my luck! What did you
want to peach for? Now | suppose I've
got to stop you.-P"c6
A SHABBY AFFAIR.
Wife-Is that n new hat, John2
John (gloomily)-Yes.
Wife-It's shabby looking affair.
John-Yes; it's an election hat.
ROUGH.
Epson Downes-Say, Kirby, where's
that silk umbrella | loaned you9
Kirby Stone-I found it was my own,
SO 1 kept it!
Upson Downes-Jove Is that so?
And here have been dodging Old Hy-
son the last three weeks. thinking it was