The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1888-10-20
j i,IIl III|I'|1I|I|
HUMOROUS DRlFTW00D.
"A; large snowdrop-An avalanche,

season Of the year.
Now is the time to conciliate the
girls father and make friends with the
dog.
It is a miserable economy to save
time by robbing yourself of necessary
sleep.
The Chinese always weep at their
weddings. AS usual, the Chinese are
ahead
Mistress: 'sJane, Willie informs me
that my husband kissed Yo, yesterday
Jane: >'Oh, that's all right, nla'am; I've
got used to it now.''
Robinson, on visit to his native
town: "Well. Smith, see that you haye
changed your office again. Burnt out?'
Smith: ;.No, indeed. Fired OUT
Two children are making up conun.
drums at party. One asks: Eat what
time was Adam married?" 'Glve II
ap." s'Oh, on his wedding Eve
Patient old lady, to elevator boy read
ing dino novel: Glow often does this
elevator GO up, boyY" Boy: cit goes up
At the end Of every chapter, ma'am.
A conceited coxcomb once said to a
barber's boy: did you ever shave a
monkey?'' WHY, nc, sir,'' replied the
boy, "neyer, but if YOU will please sit
down I will Try"
The papers are again printing table
ny which to tell ones age. No woman
will look at it, She doll'ii want to know
how to tell hex age, and she wouldn't
tell il she did know.
The song, II Am Weary Tonight,
Love, Without YOU was composed by
man whose wife bad lett him to take
care ct the children while she went to
t,,n theatre with one Of the neighbors.
Railroad official: ~ am exceedingly
aorrY, but cannot renew your pass
Citizen, Indignantly: "Wh at! Aud I've
had q pass on your road for Is years. Is
that the way YOU treat old customers?"
zone thing, MARIA" said the tarred
and feathered gentleman, as his wife
plucked him after the festivities, the
tar amt no special use, but there's
most dollars worth OF feathers on
n,e.'
Young wife: s'Horrorsl Sec here, sir,
your dog has run away with whole
sponge cake I left outside to cool"
Tramp: Don't worry, mum. That
dogs tougher than he looks. He kin
eat anythlpG."
Old Griggs: Really, fem, my boy, L
can't stand this extravaganza. You
spend Eve times as much money on
Yourself as do" Tom: "Well, don't
you kgaow, father, haven't got a son to
support and you haye.''
Husband, ON his re5urn frcsn ousi
ness: "Why, MY deaz, what is the
matter? You look ILL" Wife, family:
''Oh, John, Eve just been reading an
almanac, and I ind I have II diseases,
a7,y one of which may prove fatai.'
''Ploase. sir, have you seen q gontle~
man without little girl ~ ssWell,
what il I have, little e%' "My
Uncle j hn has lost me and thought
if you'd seen a gentleman without q
little girl you could tell me where lie
was
Mother, who with her little boy is
dining at & friends: johnny, I am
really ashamed Of you. You never be-
have 80 badly at home" Johnnie: II
know it, ma; hut when have chance
at good dinner like this I am apt to
get excited"
a. young artist who lives in board
ing house wants 5o know how he can
play the violin without disturbing the
other boarders Soap yo,>r bow, young
man. and battle the strings twice day
in sweet oil. They won't complain
VSl uCkj JuVA'
''Did your son take the 7aledictozy III
college ~ said gentleman to lady
who was enthusiastically praising the
ability of her offspring. mo, indeed.
he didn't" she replied with pride.
Gle didn't take anything. He is the
healthiest boy you ever saw
Mrs. Chllsley: II see that statistics
show that rs per cent. of male criminals
are unmarried MI. Chilsley: (Which
shows how many men prefer the penl-
Tertiary to matrimony." And the en-.
suing silence was so deep that Mrs.
Ghiisley could hear herself reflect.
Magistrate: "After walking up to
the lady to beg money, with this blud-
geon in your hand. you began to threat
en- her, and said, You must die r."