The Hawaiian gazette. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1865-1918, 1888-11-13
A HORRID FICTION.

Regular Drudge with the Boswell
of Bumps and JinIs.
The ADVERTISER Especial" reporter
came near being turned out on the cold
charities Of the world the other day.
The situation was so bad that in the ex-
tremity of his despair he was revolving
in bis mind whether he would better get
one OF lawyer Thompson's two-for-a-quar-
ter-three-for-fity-cent patent-applied-for
legal opinions on the feasibility of bring
ing a suit for damages against V. V. for
blocking up the sidewalk with his mus
tache, or whether it would be more etfec-
tive to pose as a widow and orphan and
hire Luning to carry around subscrip-
ton list on halves.
The occasion OF this disastrous state OF
affairs was, that the editor had a gum
boil on the end Of his tongue, and as the
editor cannot write first class editorial
= without chewing on his tongue, and
ramming it halfway through his cheek
at the end OF each sentence, the inability
to avail himself OF the usual brain slim
ulator. bid fair to wreck the fair literary
career OF the paper.
The editors brain was so full OF ideas
that you could hear his hair rustic with
the effort to hold them down, but every
time he composed himself to turn off a
choice morsel, he would forget himself,
and that unlucky sore tongue would
wander off into his cheek and his teeth
would come down astrde OF that de',oted
gum boil, and then there would be demon
alizing defamation from the editor, con-
sisting OF various scriptural quotations
and epithets concerning u young lady
called Helen Damnation The reporter
was not acquainted with the lady, but
from the context judged she must be OF
bad character.
The reporter had finished his work for
the night, having wrung his brains out
dry in the manufacture OF several sensa-
tional runaways, including an extra fine
one about horse running three miles
with a brake with only one wheel and
baby without injury to either, and conse-
quently was in light, careless, happy
frame OF mind, and disposed to enjoy the
editorial literary circus He facetiously
offered to get pair OF tongs and sit by
the editors side while he wrote, and
hold his tongue in place for him; and
when the editor scowled at this offer,
the reporter sympathetically suggested
that be take q half hitch around his
tongue with rubber band and hang
paper weight on the other end, SO that
when the literary spasm struck him and
his Jaws began 10 work the gum boil
would hang out so far that it would be
ont of the way of danger.
The editor glared at the reporter with
a clammy eye and fairly paralyzed him
by saving in cold and measured tones,
young man, Daniel Webster was
spring chicken in comparison with you.
You deserve to be made literary critic TO
that strictly scientific association, the
Ball of Irvine Society. Such genius as
yours deserves recognition. Nou-sit-
down-there- d-write-one-colum -ofedi-
torial-in-one- hour-or- consider yourself
discharged" These last words were
measured off one at time, and left the
reporter in an utterly demoralized con-
dition He knew by the cold-blooded
CLEAN OF the bald spot on the editors
head, and the sinister and vicious man
ner in which he cleared his throat and
adjusted his shirt collar that he meant
business. 1t was at this juncture that
the alternative methods OF gaming
livelihood above mentioned fitted like
nightmare visions across the wearied re-
portorial brain; but he had formerly |
worked on the Bulletin staff; instinct |
lively his mind reverted to its old chan |
nels and he began mechanically to write |
"lWhat are all these pains that are COM |
ing upon us-a mysterious case in Wales |
three bottles (price 5s. Cd. each) will |
cure corns, bunions, liver complaint, |
dizziness, toothaehe, itch, gumboils'-
I! The |
editor had been impolitely looking over
the reporters shoulder, and these stars
and exclamation points are for polite |
ness sake substituted for the remarks
which he interjected at this point. He |
Swound up by saying: None OF that |
now You needn't think you are still |
writing for the Bulletin, that you can fill
mp two or three columns day with bogus
patent medicine ads. People will stand
that kind OF thing in the Bulletin be-
cause they are used to it,and it's as fresh
assanything else in the paper, but I'd
have you to understand that this is a
newspaper The editor wound up his
remarks by humping the table with his
fist with such force that jet Of ink shot
out Of the ink bottle and hit the reporter
full in the eve. He felt discouraged. As
he wept inky tears the drops struck the
paper in front of him, and to his inky
vision seemed to form themselves into
the word jackal." This struck famil-
lar cord in his soul, and once more taking
up his pen he began: The present
government is hopelessly corrupt. Last
Saturday night it rained, and on Sunday
morning there was a mud puddle on
King street. Can any reasonable man
,Rsk Tor better proof than that? Great
gods and little fishes Charlie Mccarthy
and John T. to the rescue. But one short
year, and the foul deceivers masquer-
aiding as reformers have reduced US to
this The jackals OF missionary politics"
III
Here the editor glanced at the editorial.
He drew one long deep breath, and then
brought his big right hand down on to
the reporters head with such force that
four teeth and three joints Of reportorial
back bone were instantly telescoped.
Grasping the unfortunate reporter by the
scalp lock he jerked him out OF his chair