The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1888-03-09
THE AUTOGRAPH ALBUM,
My Great Plan, and Why I Finally
Abandoned It.

Abandoned It.
must be an eminent man, or peo-
pie would not write me so many let
tiers, tell pfe all their private affairs,
ask for large loans without security,
to be faithfully repaid in few weeks
and beseech my interest for Charles
and Mary. who are young and gifted,
and need only an opportunity to
astonish the world. Above ALL they
would not flood me with autograph
albums, in which l am expected to
write quotation or characteristic
sentiment" When this popularity
was fresh, used to take some pleasure
in signing my name to honeyed phrases
from the poets. l besought Heaven to
rain sweet odors on ladies had never
seen, and I assured gentlemen with
whom had not the slightest acquaint-
ance that | wore them in my heart of
hearts. The result was that the
albums came in shoals by every post.
Some OF them were small, and got mis-
laid. Others were large, and demand
ed an impossible physical effort to re-
turn them. Many were without the
names and addresses of the owners.
and these, of course, were accom-
panied by notes, which | straightway
lost, requesting the utmost prompt
tude of compliance. In few DAYS
came indignant missives expressing
surprise that any one calling himself a
gentleman could treat with silent
neglect volume which contained the
autographs of people so much more
eminent than himself. Then there was
q touch of sorrowful remonstrances.
sis it possible that you refuse to grant
SO simple request from delicate girl
who has to spend the winter in Flori-
ola, far from her friends, and has
nothing to console her but the sigma
lures of the distinguished people she
admiresP" What earthly comfort
there could be in my grabbed and il
legible hand to an invalid in Florida
never could imagine. Then there was
pleasant intimation that some noted
rival of mine had sent his autograph
with alacrity, thus showing his intel
lectual and moral superiority to me.
Worse than this was an encounter in a
street-car with a lady who said: 81
think you are the celebrated Mr.. Fitz-
phosphorus. " Madam, / said, ..you
are mistaken" She gave me freez-
ing look, and next day l had letter
declaring that the writer knew at last
why her book had not been returned,
for Il man who could lie so unblush-
ingly would probably steal.
Up to this time l had borne these
Affections with exemplary weakness.
l took it for granted that when man
is famous he becomes the lawful prev
of people who think that as they have
made his reputation, the least he can
do for them is to sit signing auto
graph albums all day. The popular
formula, leveled at him like a pistol,
seems to be something like this: 1--WE
buy your books, or your pictures, we
pay to see you act, or hear you sing,
or watch your gambols on the flying
trapeze, therefore your eminence and
your fortune are due to us, and we
demand that you shall chain yourself
to the autographs pen like the galley
slave to the oar There is nothing in
your handwriting that is essentially
beautiful or virtuous, but it pleases us
to have your sign-manual in our books
as a proof of your bondage to those
who made YOU" For long time l
accepted this decree as the penalty of
success, but the lady of the street-car
reused me to revolt. at is my mis-
fortune to be eminent" l said to nv
self, :" but this persecution must end.n
At first | thought l would point out to
my tormentor that a fib in street-car
is no worse than a tarradiddle on a
doorstep, and that was at least as
justified in denying my identity to
an autograph hunter as footman is
in handy closing the door in an I'M
welcome callers face, with the con-
ventional mot at home" though his
mistress is writing tracts for the young
upstairs. But reflected that in such
Il case reasoning by analogy was waste
of time. 1t was too late by several
generations to appeal to the common
sense and fair play of the autograph
tyrant Not persuasion, but blow,
was needed; not reason, but retalia-
ton. Then think of the inestimable
boon should confer on the whole
race OF distinguished people by free
ing them from the insufferable woke of
the mediocre and obscure! 1t was 4
noble cause, and fairly glowed with
the enthusiasm of the man who has
discovered an entirely new field for
the spirit of justice and self-sacrifce.
Ny resolution was taken, but how
was It to be carried outf ! debated
various planA might make a prse.