davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
AHumorous Undertaken.

From the Philadelphia Record.
"Let her rolll' cried stout under
taker recently, as he wiped the
waves of perspirution from his brow
and took second roar at Squire
Pearce's speech The squire lives at
Ardmore, and he is the Clones and
tambourine" ofthe Funeral Directors
association. When lie rose the au-
dience laughed just the same as it
does rThen Hughey Dougherty makes
his appearance on the stage. The
Squire took the healthy humorist to
task in this manner:
"0tT dealings with the dead are
made thesubject ofconsiderable mirth
by people who are in the enjoyment
of fairy good health, and consequent
" never expect To die, and whose
glory appears to be TO ehuckle over
the fact that they are cheating some
of our number out of a job, but who
do not think for one moment that
our dealings are exclusively with the
living and moi at all with the dead.
In an experience of third of a
century as an undertaken ]
have to strike my first bargain
with a corpse. Experience likewise
shows that the superficial condition
OF % corpse is often such that the
funeral Grafton would bemore fitting
lift was braccd upon geology instead
Of theology. However, the corpse is
cleaned, diSiufected, and made harm
less, while the much-tO-be-dreaded
living relatives. fresh from the sick
room, go about not exactly seeking
whom they may dcyour, but dcvour-
ing, all the same. The board oflIealth
is not infallible. For instance. il re-
quircs the purchase of "A permit for
the shipment of an Dramatically
scaled body, but no restrictions are
placed upon the disease-bcaring reia-
lives WHO occupy the upholstered
seats of a first-class coach. In the
ease of ,ity funerals the board of
health makes no objection To the use
of carriages to haul unfumigated
families TO the cemetery, neither does
il enter the slightest protest against
the iiverymtn hiring the same CARR
ages To unsuspccting PARTIES to at
tend weddings, halls, or parties.
Again, in case of contagion, the bed
upon which the patient died is char
itahly" given to some poor family"
These palpable hits at the public
were received with demonstrations of
approval. Mr. Pearce referred to the
stringent regulations in vogue at
many cemeteries, and said it would
not surprise the directors to see
the sign hung out: dying on Sun
day is positively prohibited" He
concluded by outlining the necessity
for a lawgoyerning the qualifications
of uudprtnkprsS
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

There was an interesting scene in
Alexandria, Va, the other night,
VIXEN the floor of a lodge room in
which number ofcolored people who
were being initiated into the order %
True Reformers fell through, precipi
tating the candidates into q dark
room below. A man who was asleeI
in the room below was crushed, but
the people who fell through thought
that the fall into the dark
ness was a part of the initiatory Ger
emony, and waited calmly for a con
tfnuanoe of the rites.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

There has already been expended
ON DeLessep's Panama canal scheme
the prodigious sum of $500, O00, 900
The interest charge on this sum, to
gethsr with the running expenses, is
$50, o0G. 900 per annum. Yet so dis
tiDguisiied On authorityas the Lon
don Engineering News declares that
the work accomplished by this vast
outlay of capital sis only a mere
scratch on the surface
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
Under British Free.Trsae.

Mr. Z. o Lsnxay an American resident at
LIVERPOOL England. for twelve years, writes
thus detailing biz experience under British
Frpretrsfde. sAs personal illustration 81
the brnefts; first get my clerks much lower.
my servants cost mc much less, and my Fres,-
trade AIncT1caI friend thinks that my house
r:Bt is surprisingly low. so il H. But for.
got TO tell that l. the tenant. pay tho
taxes Uf 1876 per eeut upon the rental,
aud | also forgot TO tel him that I
Also pay an inhabited house duty ofTd. upon
the pound rental, then | have an income tax
Of I'd, on the pound. aud stamp taxes on
every hand, and by HctHHl comparison with
a friend in America It cost ME about Il per
cent more to serve my table here than it
docs him ia America
But do grt my clothing cheaper, because
the poor fellow that made Il gets about lDs.
per week, but, unfortunately for me, eat
more than | wear IL the laboring man in
America docs not let him throw up his hat
for Free trade. viii promise him a cheaper
coat, but can not promise him the money Ia
buy II ith."-DUSton Commercial
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

The Buffalo Courier tells remark
able story of a remarkable man. He
was well dressed, large, self-possessed
evidently a man of the world. He
strolled into O commission house at
she Elk Street market, where stood q
bushel basket full of eggs. Tbs
stranger looked at them awhile and
then deliberately stepped into the
basket. The crash that followed
brought out the proprietor. "See
iserei whit in the name Of the seven
devils are you doingf 'Oh. / only
Santsd to see how it would seem to
stand on this basket Of eggs said
Sthe man. calmly "You'n settle for
This before you leave here" was the
reply ofthe irate merchant. "Ihaven't
any objection he said producing a
vel sled wallet and paying in full
for the damage. Then be strolled
ost Is calmly ~ he had strclled In
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
cie,e,aad'. soldier Record.

1. Sent o substitute To thr war.
9 Veto ola bill to- provide fuads for TIE
Observance of Memorial day ut Buiiaioi
while mayor.
3. Veto Of "a law prohibiting others than
members of the Grand Army Of the Kepub
dc wearing the badges Of the order ia Ne"
York wbiie governor.
g. Permitting an officer Of his adminis'
tratioR 10 hoist a flag in memory Of that
old rebel. Jake Thompson.
8 Veto of worthy pension blhs.
Is. Sueakin@ ava on fishing excursion
10 avoid Memorial day services at Washing
fou.
7. Issuing au Infamous rebel flag or.
der
s. Refusal To visit St Louis because the
Grand Army Of the Republic was to hold a
convention there at the same time, alleging
that they might insult or do hiin injury.
This j. the record the people are asked to
indorse in November the ticket, and plat
form Of the Democratic convention having
been prepared by the Presidents friends 10
that end.-TOlcdO Blade.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
The Herb of Prophecy.

There grows in Mixtcca, Mexico. n
plant which the natives call "The
herb of prophecy" 1t is said that
whoever partakes of the herb, in a
few moments sinks into sort oil
sleep, or rather hypnotic state, in
which, while apparently quite insen-
sible, he has "A kind OF prophetic gift,
or double sight, answers questions
that are put to- him, and becomes SO
under the will of another that he
obeys any command, even to taking
his own life. When the effects of the
herb wears of, he remembers moth.
ing of what he has done.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

A young woman on her way home
from church in Mentone. Ind, the
other night was caught in a thunder
shower and struck by lightning. IT
is reported that, though terribly
frightened, she managed to reach
home. On examination, she found
that the fluid had bent two hairpins
m her head and actually melted one,
but the skin was not abraded, and
she was not injured a particle.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

The most unique elopement vet is
reported from Georgia, where the
objective mother-in-law found out
the plans Of the young folks and
dressed herself in her daughters rig
TO await the lovers coming. He
came, saw. conquered, to the extent
of whipping the yelled figure into his
buggy and driving for dear life to-
ward the minister. But pretty soon
u screaming that would make wild
cat die of envy showed him how he
had been fooled; SO he slipped out
and at once went west, while the old
lady made his accompliee drive her
home and upon pain of prosecution
forattempted kidnapping swear never
to try stealing her girl again.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Years ago Amanda Townsend,
daughter OF a wealthy New York fam
lily, married, in q fit of Pique, anigno-
rant and boorish mental at Richfield
Springs. and went to live with him in
a hovel at his native place in Chen
ango county, New York. She resisted
all entreaties of her friends to return
to her elegant home in New York,
and lived in squalid misery and APP
parent content. She died in the
county poorhouse. and all that her
rich relatives could do for her was to
give her body decent burial.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

The Excelsior 6syser in the Yellow
stone Park. which has lately been in
course of eruption, IL in the form OF
an immense pit 800 feet in length
and 200 feet wide, and the aperture
through which il discharges itsvolum,
of water is nearly 200 feet in diameter
1t has been throwing water into the
air TO Q height of 800 feet.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
One of These Cases Can BE Cured.

There are two men in Atlanta who
are sorely but very dissiinilarly ai-
fiicted One has a gray eye and 2
blue eye. He can see with the graz
eye at night, but it is blind during
the day; The other man is afflicted
with a painful, but fluent inability 20
tell the truth. Darkness or dayiigM
are alike to him in the pursuit Of ~ nls
vocation. He is the liar who wrfF
to the papers about the man WIZ
the alternatingeyes of gray and nias'
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
A Skull as n Money Box.

At the Bologna exhibition is to %
found the skull of Donizetti the com
poser. To it is attached a printed
statement to the effect that it was
returned from the house of a pork
packer of Bergamo, whose children
had used it us a money box. Il y
surely a curious and suggestive fie'
that within that skull, where oncs
immortalmelodies delighted the mlna
ofgenious, vulgar clink ola trades
mans gold should for so long time
have Knocked that fleeting phantom
men call faGes-New York World.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
PersanaiNaies.

The man Who represented himself as Artist
Remington Of Harpers Weekly. and who kill
ed himself at Trinidad Col, il fully ideatifef
~ Baron RaymoRdston Rhowski ofGsrmsBy.
His father Is a colonel in the German army,
and Of noble lineage.
Mr.. Langtry bas gone TO housekeeping in
a villa AT Long Branch for the summer. and
in manner to create the belief that she
and Freddy Gehhar'lt are already married.
u u currently reported at tie great Jersey
rrort that quiet eeremony followed a quiet
divorce in June. aud that a honeymoon il
now going on.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
ARs.alt Of free Trade.

AT present tin-plate making is practically
unknown 10 this country, though We are as
web titted 10 make il as England and W ales,
from which countries most OF our un-Tiate
comes Within six years wehaye paid Bi1tlsb
mauUlarturcs over 500. Og0,000 for TIM
plate. besides payinZ freight. As near as
can learn the total wages paid the British lab
orcrs in the production OF the tin-pinte nm
ported into the United States last year were
about 81 ZOO, 600 Nv wish Il that such
amount shall BE- expended in our OWE country,
and that il shall go to our own wage-work
p
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
No podri,r In This Campaign.

Let us. then, have an honest, not . byp9l-
critical campaign The issue j. not 0i details
as TO the protective thrift. u y much bigger
than that. The Democrats strike at the
heart Of tie protective theory, for they deny
the right of congr.ss to lay tax for pro
lection. Democrats who arr too cowardly
10 come W 10 the issne squarely will DO wen
TO drop out and fan 20 the rear. The dodg-
ing and squirming and lying Of $50 are not
going 20 b repeated this year " ashibgtoh
POST
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

The average price paid the average
Iowa school marin" by the year is
$212.45- Presuming that her board
and washing costs her about SO per
week, and heresothing and incidentals
$50 more, she viii then have a sur.
plus of just $6.45 a year to build up
a bank account. which in twenty
years of hard work would amount
TO more than 500. Truly it has
been said that it is the honor that
forms the chief reward ofa literary
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

John Roll, residing in Redmon, ILL.,,
Is the owner Of a horse that is twenty
hands high. weighs $500 pounds
and is said TO be the larges,
horse in the world. 1t is five years
old, never was off Rolls farm, never
has been broken, and has never been
shod The blacksmith at Redmon il
afraid to shoe the horse.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
Thoroughly Satisfied with Himself.

An English general, in reviewing a
corps of cavalry. suddenly stopped
before a splendid looking fellow and
asked abruptly: (Which is the best
horse in the regiment?'' Number
forty. sir" What makes YOU think
he IL the best horse?' SHE walks
trots and gallops well: is a good
jumper; has no vice, no blemish; car
ries his head well; is in his prime. >
And who is the best soldier in the
regiment" Tom Jones, sir. =
Why?" because he is an honor
able man, is obedient, tidy. takes
good care of his equipment and does
his duty well" And who is the rid
er of the best horse?" tom Jones
sir. "And who is Tom Jones?' 81
am, sir" The general could not help
laughing, but he gave a sovereign to
his informant, who received it with.
out moving muscle,-Liverpool
Post.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Greece has had such hot weather
that the eurrant crop has been dam
aged twenty-tivepercent. Howmucf
the dirt and gravel which go with
dried currants to make up weight
have been damaged can be better
estimated next winter.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
While tearing low, a.

While tearing down the oldest
brewery in Des Moines the workmen
found some beer that is % wears old
At one time well was dug close by
the building, the shaft going down
by direction of "A water witch
alongside the cellar. A STRONG fIow
OF water was obtained and it burst
through the wa!l into the lower eel.
lar, which contained watts of baer
sealed 3 In order to stop the over.
NOW TN the cellar was walled up and the
wen filied and the watts of beer ra.
mainsd buried. s ~
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

The New York Herald reports that the
Democrats have got thsjT wedge into the ne
publican majority in Wisconsin. LIT Sc
what was il happened To that reeksa's J French
mna who got bis bead into bOn'n mouth
the other day7 We seem la rcnemi'ef thtt
bea.lies.s trunk that tIc man ought 20 have
know. better.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Mrs. Booth, ofWashingtoncounty
Tennessee, died recently in the log
house she was born in, ninety-eighi
years ago. She had in all that tim,
never been further than five K1iles
from home.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Thirty years ago insanity was al
most unknown among the Southern
negroes, but now the number thus
affected In North Carolina alone 1.
estimated at I, 900, and the asylum
for their treatment at GoIdsboro has
just been enlarged.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Suffer eans.s home late AT night. and learning
that Romail had baen at the house IL The
evening. sefpsd huge butcher knife and
started in ssarca - rssl. Finding him on
the street. iFithott asIecrd he plunged the
knife into IIonaai b iEk ast with such forcs
az to completely sevhr two ribs He then
returned TO his loaee where. in company
with three friend, he barricade-l himself and
saFsgely nsist1l arrest. hut was finally
oyerpoweresI end locked up. Roinaz died
after indrntifymg Suffer as his murderer.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

A Democratic President and DtInocra,ie
House Of I.epresf nt8tives ask the Issopie to
abandon this trifng duty ON wool 10 or"et
that they may cnioy what npPeaTs 20 lils
Democrats TO be The inestimabls pnNnegs -
,,avinu one hundred millions Of dollars 10
mnintaiI, a few sugar planters in Louisiana
whose crops grow less year by year, rom
the Baltimore American.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Philadelphia hotel men calculate
they give away $1,000 worth OF
stationary year TO letter-wr1ting
friends who don't pay the hotels .
cent.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Nurse Ito father of tripIets)-Ah.
sorr, they be perfect littlegemsl Fa.
ther obviously )-Yes, lut give me
soiltaries in preference to elustert
every tims.-Evening Sun.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02
Republican Campaign.
Mhere cle,eIana ]. strengeat.

From what the London pnpers say " =
clear that Cleveland could carry bngiand N
the coming election, He should go there aBo
-PitisbHrg Chronicle.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1888-08-02

Store trouble j. threatened from a new
feature oi The burlington strike The man.
ageBeni Of the road has notised its tala-
graphic operators that they must leave the
telegrhphers' union. This the men refuse 10
DO; One conference has been held between
officers Of the road and the union but With.
out resnit Another il, to be held when II il
expected thata settlement viii be reached
Ihefe = great Indignation among labor or.
saeil.etlens ~ what they term the Brrlirg.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07
Alma, Mich, Sept. z, 1888.

Vote, yeas, Hawkins. Smith, Montigel,
Bagley, Tinker-vote announced and
declared carried.
On motion James Gargett was in
structed to abate nuisance on premises
near creamery arising from waste
of water from flowing well.
On motion commissioner was in
structed to issue duplicate order to
Peter Fechting in place of one lost.
On motion council adjourned.
+. b. GREEN, w. A. BAHLKE.
President. Clerk.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07
Farm for Sale.

Qituated = mile east and a mile north of
y Pine school house; miles n. w. of ST Louis
Farm consists of ~ acres, about 30 acres
cleared, good farming land; abundance Of
fruit apples. pears, plums, grapes, cherries
etc, excellent winter, good new house lSX26
and wing ,4X50, also cellar. snOp, small barn
etc. This place will be sold cheap IL sold soon.
Apply on premises or of owner. s. II. BRETT.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07

Members of the Alma Building and Loan Asso-
wi citation are hereby notified that the Sep
tember installmcnt to the capital stock of said
the board of directors at the sccretary's office
john ID SPINNEY, Sec'y.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07
Strayed or Stolen A..
For Sale.

20 acres of choice land, in Antrim Co; five
0 miles from county seat; frst-class hard tim
bercd land; 10 acres improved Will sell cheap
or exchange for village property. Enquire of
4e6 MCCULLOUGH 4 BUTTON.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07


On motion the claim of Michigan
Pipe Co. was laid on the table.
On motion the claim of Wright,
Schneider e. Stuttz was referred to
committee on claims.
On motion the balance of claims as
above presented were allowed at
footing and clerk instructed to issue
orders for the same.
Health officer reports that the well
near Cronkrite premises does not prop
erly flow the water in tank on highway
on Superior street, causing stagnant
water and stencil.
On motion the matter was referred
to committee on health.
On motion the sidewalk in front of
premises of John Hicks, l.. G.. Holiday
and Edd Berry on Superior street was
ordered repaired. Voted on as follows:
Yeas, trustees Hawkins, Smith, Mon
tigel, Bagley, Tinker-yote announced
and declared carried.
ny ClhlOl ouBBpiN-
ed 10y trustee Hawkins that a new side
walk be and that the same is hereby
ordered constructed twelve feet wide
in front of premises OF J. NJ. Montigel
& Co., described as lot six (6) of block
twenty-three, Alma. Vote, yeas, trus-
tees Hawkins, Smith, Montigel, Bagley
and Tinker-vote announced and de-
Clared carried.
Trustee Smith reports that W. ).
Turck refuses To give village addition
of ground for highway on Ely street, at
present owing to want of time in con-
structlon of new fence, etc, this fall
On motion Wright, Schneider &
Stuttz were instructed to complete
sidewalk in front of grist mill at once.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07
City Dads.

Alma, Mich, August 18th, 1883.
No quorum being present, no session
of council was held. w. a. BAHLKE,
Clerk.
Alma, Mich, Sept. 4th, 1888.
Common Council met in regular SEES
sion at clerks Office on above date.
Present, f. b, Green president, and
trustees Hawkins, Smith, Montigel,
Bagley, Tinker; absent, Pulfrey.
Minutes OF council meeting held
Aug. 2lst read and approved.
Following petition presented:
Ito the honorable board of the vii
lage of Alma: The undersigned, free
holders Of said village do hereby petit
ion and request Of your honorable body
the building Of a sidewalk commencing
at the southeast corner Of lot eight (S)
block 80 Of the village Of Alma, thence
running east across lots seven ~ and
six (6l Of said block SO and continue
across lot seven ca block four "a of
said village.
JOIN n. DAY. DERwIN ELY,
+. ID. ELY, CELIA CONKRITE,
=. l.. JENNINGS, V. NJ. WILSON,
ARTHUR MOVER.
On melton such petition was ordered
l placed on minutes and the subject
matter referred TO committee on
: .treets.
Claims presented.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07
Alma Market.
Special Notices.

For Sale.
0uc yoke of young work cattle, well broke.
" Enquire of Miller Bros Alma. 4s2-tf
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1888-09-07

.cter. stan
4 a wife.
rly flashed
RAID" cried
'conhde j
much respet
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1888-11-08
A Great Cargo Of Cotton.

CHARLESTON, Oct. Sl.-An ocean
tramp, the steamship Glepgoil, went to
sea to-day, crossing the bar with cargo
of 5000 bales of cotton, which it is
claimed is the largest cargo Of cotton ever
slowed on an ocean steamship in any
port in America. The ship only drew
seventeen feet of water after being load.
ed. Her cago is valued at s4O0, 600, and
the freight list at $4,000. The incident
is important, for the reason that it proves
that deep water at the bar is not an abso.
Lutte essential for Charleston's importance
as seaport. The tendency of wooden
ship building is to build vessels of light
draught and at the same time a heavy
carrying capacity, and good many peo.
pie in Charleston are of the opinion that
it would be a.wise thing for the million-
aires ofthe city not to wait for the tardy
and niggardly appropriations Of Congress
to complete the: jetties, but that they