The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-28

BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES
Romance of a Phonograph-AG Great
Similarity Why He Was So
Earnest-Theory and Prac-
tice, Etc, Etc.
He loved blushing maiden,
But his soul was full of fear,
So he spoke into photograph
The words he'd have her hear.
Her father moved the lever,
And before the day was done
That phonograph was guarded
By bulldog and gun.
Judge.
A Great Similarity.
"Whenever I see Barkins I think of
the trade winds" said Ismythe.
"Why sol" queried B. ones.
"Oh, he is always blowing about his
business"
Why He Was So Earnest.
Maud-"Are you really engaged to
Mr.. Hawkins, Ethel2"
"Ethel-"Yes, hardly know whether
I love him or not, but he was so earnest
that somehow I could not refuse him. "
Maud-"Yes, l know. When I re-
fused him last summer he told me he was
going to marry somebody or burst before
Christmas. ."-Terre Haute Express.
Theory and Practice.
"What is the half of twenty-fv
asked the teacher.
Little JOHNNIE scratched his head and
didn't answer.
"Well, I'll make it palmer" she said.
eff your father bought one cigar that
sold two for quarter, how much would
the dealer charge him9"
"Fifteen cents" returned little John
nie.-Msw York Sun.
A Wise Suggestion.
"My dear, why do you change cooks
so often2"
"Because you are always complaining
of the food"
"Well, won't kick any more. Just
hang on to one individual and give my
stomach chance to get acclimated."
A Literary Butcher.
Visitor-"What beautiful library you
have! I1eally envy you."
Retired But hcr-'Yes; and just look
at the binding of them books"
Nisitor-T see; they are all bound in
calf"
Retired Butcher. ".Just so, and killed
all them calves myself what furnished
the leather. ."-Teras S!ftangs.
Expensive.
Barrowly-''l'm not feeling very we'll,
doctor. My head aches and 1 feel all
broken up generally"
Doctor-"Iou don't take enough ex-
ercise. You ride down to business in
stead of walking, as you should"
Barrowly-''But l cart afford to
walk, it makes me so hungry, and
lunches cost money.-Harper's Ba.ar.
Getting Things Mixed.
Magistrate absent. minded, to pris-
onerj-"Stand up! You hereby solemly
declare, in the presence OF these wit
nesses, that you will love, cherish and
protect this woman until death do you
part"
Prisoner (badly frightenedJ-"Wha-
what's that, yer honor2"
Magistrate (rousing himself lf)-"Oh,
beg pardon! It's ten dollars or thirty
days.
Trimming His Sails.
Gus-"Do you carry two watches,
Jack, or is that double chain bluff"
Jack-"No bluff, Gus; carry a Water
bury in one pocket and a Jurgensen in
the other"
Gus-"What's that fora"
Jack-"When man to whom I owe
money asks me the time 1 consult my
Waterbury, but when stranger or a
lady wants the same information it's the
.Jurgensen that gives it, and don't you
forget it.-EpOch.
A Man of Inventive Genius.
Carpentcr--" You say you want a
bureau made on a new plan ~
Citizen--"les, sir. | want it made
with legs so that can get my head and
shoulders under it"
Carpenter--"Uf course, I will fill your
order, but you might satisfy my curiosity
as to why you want a bureau made in
that way"
Citizen--Well, T want to. be able to
find my collar button when l want it
without moving the bareau. "--B9stOn
Cyurier.
A 1T" Fight.
Blobson-"Had little tea fight at our
house last night"
Dumpsey--"IDdeed!m
eyes: my wife said there ought to be
two t's in better, and said there ought
to be only one."
"Your wife was right"
"Eh! Right? ror heavens sake,
don't tell her, or she'll never let up on
me. Pm president of the Burlington
Business Mems Literary Club. ."-Bur-
lington Etee Press.
looks Black for the Witnesses.
eyes, SIR" said the witness, "he fell
out of the sixth story window. There
we're six of US in the room at the time
there was no quarrel; we were ali friends,