The Washington critic., 1888-03-03
MARRIAGE MADE SAFE
A Business Venture inWhiCh Men
and Women Want Stock,
HOW A LIVE YANKEE
Proposes to HcrmeticaiIy Seal All
Family Jars.
az beg your pardon

dressed, keen-eyed Yankee who was
busily engaged at the desk in the writing
room.
The gentleman looked up over his
shoulder at his interlocutor.
"Are you Mir. W. II. Atalie of Massa.
chusetts 2" continued the reporter.
"And ifI ann answered the gentle.
man, with q question.
"Well, IT, you are you are the man I'm
looking for"
"Not detective arc you ?'
"No;a reporter"
"1 wo of q kind said the Yankee, with
a smile, "What's up"
81 understand you are the originator Of
q new business venture"
Forty of en-, replied Mr.. A., with
snap.
"But this last oncg'
"Wbat last oneY
"Aw, come of" exclaimed the reporter
forgetting his manners you know what
| mean. It's some sort of a matrimony
snap, healing busted hearts or swiping
out domestic infelicitics, or something like
that
"Why didn't you say so at first? You
are not quite on to it, but you are near
enough. I'm the general manager of the
Matrimonial Security Association Of the
power to establish branch offices all over
the United States, but I'm not in Wash
ington on that business"
Don't you think this is good field
for it%
Excellent, from what hear, and we
will have branch office here in the
course of a few months, but not just at
present"
Lent is the season for matrimonial ar.
rar ran
81 know IT. but when we come we
come to stay, and one time is as good as
another
"Tell me something about the business
will you?"
Certainly; anything you want to
know. Start your pump" and Mr.. A.
slid down into his chair and assumed the
air of a martyr with his mind made up.
what is your. .objectW
"Well, the social conditions of the
world are arriving at that stage when
matrimony, instead of being a mere con-
tract between two young people of OPP
posite sexes, to live together in a rosebud
and feed on honeysuckles and hope, will
be business contract, entered into with
all eyes wide open, and a full knowledge
of the trials and responsibilities incidental
to the combined life of the two contract
ing parties. There will be less romance,
but good deal more comfort, and the
Disappointing discoveries married people
make in each other will be thing of the
past"
"The theory is excellent" remarked
the reporter, "but what of the practice ?"
"Quite as excellent. Our plan of op.
camille Agencies, in which, as far as pos
sible, members are protected in their
dealings throughout the country. OF
course everything will be conliden-
tial to the utmost and we will TIL ow the
most careful guards about all vic trust
their affairs to us. In a general way, our
officers will secure and keep on record
the private and open history of all mar
riageable persons in their districts; that
is to say the age, occupation, means of
support, social position, religion, family
and all other particulars which have gem
eral circulation in the community where
he may be known. Then, in addition to
that, we will have private advices as to
character, habits, health, disposition and
such other personal qualities as are
usually not known until 1t is too late"
''If a man snores, for instance?n queried
the reporter.
"Yes," or if he is ugly when the coffee
is scorched or the beefsteak is bad"
COR cold feet ?''
Everything goes" said Mr.. A. "Its
| the little things that make life a burden,
and we propose TO have all of the little
things set forth as well as the more inn
| portant and serious ones"
"Does this apply only to men?'
"Of course not. The man is only half,
and we don't do business half way. We
| will give either party all the information
| possible to be attained, anduuthen, if they
marry and make n mistake in it il will
be because we cannot secure infinite con-
clusions from finite premises. Half the
matrimonial troubles which now exist,
and which the world knows nothing
| of, do not result from absolute incom-
| patability, but because two blind young
| fools dashed into q condition they knew
nothing about, and before they could
| learn its significance they had made their
own purposes so discordant that a union
| of sentiment was impossible and a pos.
| sibly happy married life was changed
| into cold, comfortless sort of existence,
in, comparison with which the grave was
| luxury of warmth and good cheer.
| "You don't bellevein the poetry and
romance which have so long been at
tached to the consonance of two hearts
beating as onep'
| "Yes, do, but we want the two hearts
| togo on beating as one. As they now
| work they beat very mlsically through
courtship and well along into the honey
| moon, and then, ten to one, the disil-
| lusionizing process begins, and the way
| those two hearts don't beat as one is pain
ful in the extreme. I've seen thousands
that way, and because | did, ii occurred
to me to turn philanthropist and at the
same time turn an honest penny. By our
| plan welded life will not become time
Determination, period of eXclaiming
| If had only known this or If | had
only known that, and so on, till death or
| divorce brings surcease of sorrow.'
"Hou don't suppose young man in
| love with pretty girl will come around
| to your office to find out whether his
angel has got wings or not, do your said
the reporter, with u chill of horror creep
| ingup his spine.
perhaps not; but when he finds out
for himself that she has got claws he
will wish he had, replied the matter-of-
| fact Yanll.
"And the girl? WIN she down her
hero in the first round by setting a de-
tective on his PATH"
Better do that than sit up seven
nights in the week till midnight waiting
for husband and then sweating him in a
blanket to get the whisky out of him till
| breakfast time, hadn't she?'
The reporter couldn't deny the force of
| the argument
"But do you think it will be a popular
| scheme@
"Of course it will. There are plenty OF
sensible people in the world and they are
the ones we are particularly anxious to
make comfortable, A man or woman
who hasn't Judgment enough to make
thorough inquiry into an investment
before they venture all they have in it,
would scarcely appreciate salvation if il
were forced upon them"
"How do y0u get anything out oft!
"Simply by charging for what we fur
nish. For ordinary information we eX
pect fee of S25; for other and more inn
portant particulars, from $50 TO 800, anG
for lesser matters say s. to Sl0.n
'Is there any stock for sale?' inquired
the reporter, showing his fist down into {
lonesome pocket.
mot share. It's all taken in Mass
achusetts, and the last report had was L