Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1888-11-23
TAKERS OF THE PAVE.
A REPORTERS EXPERIENCE WITH
CHICAGO STREET MERCHANTS.

CHICAGO STREET MERCHANTS.
The Wonderful Instrument Which Even
+; Newton's Genius Failed to Discover.
I The Magic Bean and Its Virtues-''Turk-
( ish Delight" Confectionery.
81 have here, ladies and gentlemen, an in
genious little instrument, worth its weight
in gold No well regulated family can afford
to be without it. 1t affords comfort to the
old. pleasure to the middle aged and amuse-
ment to the young. Newton, the greatest
philosopher that ever lived, spent days and
nights studying to invent something like it,
but failed. 1t is an inspiration of genius,
gentlemenh-
The speaker was long haired, greasy
looking faker standing at the corner of Mad
ison and Market streets. In an open tray be-
fore him he had some dozens of the wonder
full instruments whose powers he was SO elo-
quently eulogizing
His audience addressed as Ladies and gen.
tlemen" consisted of three or four Italian
bootblacks, district messenger boy, tired
grocer's man pushing truck, and two rusty
looking countrymen. The latter were his
most attentive listeners, and on them he
focused the full stream of his eloquence.
s'For the cost of one dime, gentlemen, you
can purchase this beautiful little instrument.
No more profanity in your house, no more
need to exchange the joys of single bliss for
the cares and anxiety of married misery, no
more weary waiting up nights for some one
to sew buttons on your only pair. With
this little instrument you can thread a needle
in Egyptian darkness, sew button on while
you wait and enjoy life while you're young
CAUGHT THE CoUNTRYMEN.
The last sentence caught the countrymen.
Two brawny arms held forth dimes, and in
return received each duplicate of the won
derful piece of mechanism which had baffied
Newton's skill
A few moments later reporter was trying
to buy out the takers whole stock on pre-
tense of going into the business. The pat
ent ''needle threaders,n of which he had about
five dozen left, he offered to sell at the rate
of SO cents gross.
''Y GU mean dozen, surelyT p
mo, fifty cents gross; want to get out
of town"
A call at place where the advertisements
said men were wanted to earn $50 a week off
capital of S. found a little old man whose
eyes twinkled and sparkled like the big dia-
mond which he wore on his hand.
''Can you singY' asked the little old man.
The reporter acknowledged that he
couldn't.
.sConjurea"
ga few school boy tricks"
"Captiall' said the old man, gleefully.
ssThis is what you want. Hall marked gold
rings-every one stamped-warranted thir-
teen carat, or return money; throw in a half
dollar with every fifth ring; mix 'em up and
there you are only one dime. Cost you 35
cents gross"
''Show me something else"
"Heres patent cement, warranted to
hold house and lot together Take piece
of plate glass, break into pieces about an
inch square, fasten them with cement, and a
ten-horse power steam engine couldn't pull
them apart without breaking the glass.
Fifty cents gross. No? Well, suppose you
try a combination penholder, with rubber,
pencil, knife and toothpick. Rather ex-
pensive-twenty shillings a gross-but sells
like hot cakes at quarter apiece"
Finally the reporter allowed himself to be
persuaded into buying a gross of ''Carrib-
bean Archipelago nuts" warranted to cure
rheumatism, sick headache, toothache, lum-
bago, dyspepsia, sciatica, eczema, ingrowing
toenails, chills and fever, sore eyes, corns,
warts and bunions.
LAY STRESS ON stCoRNS.n
always lay particular stress on 'corns,
warts and bunions,'" said the little man as
he gave the reporter ten cents change out of
quarter for a package of the wonderful
beans. Everybody has corns, warts or
bunions, and for every corn, wart or bunion
in the human family there are nearly dozen
remedies People buy these things, try 'em
on themselves, and are perfectly satisfied
when the corn doesn't cure. They've tried so
many remedies that they believe theirs is
the only incurable corn in the world"
Before you start out selling these things, y
he continued, Il would advise you to study
one or two tricks. Rig yourself out in In
dian fashion if you want to make a bowling
success of it. Your blonde hair is rather off
color, but a little nutmeg on your face will
tone that down. and people don't mind a
blonde Indian occasionally.
At the corner of Peck court and State
street the reporter found prototype of the
mongrel Indian his principal had instructed
him to represent. A crest of feathers
reached from his head to his heels, and his
part was a cross between Mkado costume
and Tweedledum in the Crystal Slipper .
Strangely enough, he was selling the identi-
cal "Carribbean Archipelago beans" which
the reporter had purchased, but the public,
who gave a nickel for one of the articles, evil
IDENTIFY did so on the guarantee that be had
"growed 'em meeself on the awlkelee plains
above the Rocky mountains"
Another street fake which Just now is
booming is turkish candy" There must be
something in the name of the land of the
prophet peculiarly attractive to the gullible
portion of mankind Cheap molasses candy,
studded with almonds, would be passed
unnoticed by dozens of people who stop to
buy from man clothed in Turkish fez and
long flowing garb the same compound dig
nifed by the title Of Turkish Delight
tChica 90 Tribune