Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-18

A, MICH, WEDNESE
WIT AND HUMOR.
A toe that has never got the gout-
the mistle-toe.-E
The board of trade-the clerks be.
hind the counter.-Ex.
1t requires clever surgeon to dress
wounded vanity.-Life.
The man who wagers not is better
than a Observation-Disclosures American.
Now is the time to lay in your ther-
mometers. They are way down.
Manufacturers Gazette.
Another Indian outbreak is report
ed in Arizona, it is whooping cough
this time.-N. Y. Tribune.
The most economical man has been
heard from. He tried to pawn coat
of tar and feathers, the gift Of his
nesghbors.
Merchants "take stock" here with
impunity, but out west great many
individuals have been lynched for it.
-Pittsburg Chronicle.
"That's what call an agricultural
ha(u)ll," said the farmer, as he pock-
eted $40 for his prize pumpkin at the
county fair.--N. Y. Star.
The wife of the man who does the
remarkable glass ball shooting will
sue for divorce. She says her hus-
band is a Observation-Disclosures
Rough Notes.
The young man who was refused by
a girl this summer says that in spite
of the warm weather, it was the cold
est waive he had experienced this
year.-Charleston Enterprise.
He-"Handsome woman that Maj
or Bonds wife; but why will she wear
such loud gowns?' She-"Out of
consideration to the major, fancy /;
he is so shockingly deaf, don't you
know."-Life.
Father-"Come, Bobby, you are
all tired out; so hurry off to bed"
Bobby with a reluctant and slow
movement)-"Pa, you oughtn't to tell
a boy to hurry when he's all tired
ut."-N. Y. Sun.
A Nassau girl wrote to a locomotive
nanufactory saying that if it didn't
cost too much she would like to buy
one of their new spark arresters and
see how it worked.---Kinderhook
Rough Notes.
A farmer of Otter Tail county, who
visited the Minnesota legislature re-
Gently, made but one remark during
his stay, and that was this: "By gosh!
I'm statesman myself alongside of
these fellows. minneapolis Tribune.
"If my dog doan' bite anything"
explained a Gratiot avenue saloonist,
"eaferypody say he vhas no good. IF
he bites somepody, den eaferypody
says he must be killed. Seems to me
dot dog doan' get some fair show
Ex.
Mrs. Jones-"You won't be lone
some, dear, while am away, with no
one to playthc piano for you Z" Jones
Ga brute)-"Oh, no, guess not. | un-
derstand the new boiler shop across
the way is about to run day and
night. ."-Ex.
A saloon keeper, having started
business in a place where trunks had
been made, asked friend what he
had better do with the old sign,
"Trunk Factory" "Oh," said the
friend, "just change the T to a ID and
it will suit you exactly."-Ex.
"Tommie," said a New Mexico lady
addressing her son, "you shouldn't
make so free with the gentleman
You never saw him before"
"Yessum, l have. He's the man
that shot pap"
"Oh, is he? | thought he was "a
stranger. Go back and talk to him
if you want to."-Ex.
A doctor in Sydney, New South
Wales, has invented a magic syrup
warranted to cure infrmities of tenn
per. A gentleman whose mother-in
law was of a somewhat cantankerous
disposition, purchased bottle, and
gave the lady.a few doses of it. She
became perfectly amiable, and he has
eloped with hcr.-Ex.
"The Judge then proceeded to
charge the jury" read Mrs. McGudly
from an account of trial. Now,
amt that dreadfuli' she commenced,
layinp down the paper. "To think of