Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-01-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

To make a bad bar gain some one
must sell bad whisky.-Nea0 Orleans
Picayune.
1t is generally conceded that sleep
ing beauty is a nod wOman.-NeoC
HaUea Neo0s.
A Fighter of wrongs is, as arule, even
more poorly paid than writer of
poetry.-Nes0 HaUe1a NeUS.
A messenger-boy's Monday
hired; Tuesday, tired; Wednesday,
fred.-NeWGrk Sunday Call.
The maxim that cheat expands and
cold contracts" does not apply to coal
dealers bills.-PhiLadeIphtG Inquirer.
Mistress (to applicanO-And what
is your name? Applicant = Mary
Browsle, mum; we spell it wild the
sc. "-TGd-BitS.
Putting up stoves is not an agree
able task, yet strange to say, it scots
everybody who engages in it.-Bjng-
hGnton Republican.
Dumpsey-I understand that Bigsby
is over ears in debt. Blobson-Huh!
guess you never saw his ears.-Bur-
Liggtoa1 Free Press.
When you read that a millionaire
works harder than any Of his clerks,
please to remember that he gets more
pay.-Ph1JadeLphia Call.
A man sometimes loses his balance
on an orange peeling on the pavement,
and sometimes he loses it in a savings
bank.-LouiSUjILe Courier.
When you have to pay 81 an hour
for a one-horse sleigh, it's easy to I'M
derstand what is meant by q revenue
cutter.-Duluth Photographer.
Miss Pittsburg- you believe in
marriage, Miss Chicago? Miss Chicago
Why, cert! How else could we ever
have any divorces?-Tjd- Bjts.
Giving nothing yourself and asking
others to contribute to monument
is what might be called monumental
cheek. "-Nel0 Orleans Picayune.
Why is the letter gu" like cream
cry as compared with common
dairy? Because it makes better but
ter, you know.-SDrjngJfelG Union.
Husband (dressing)-''Where in the
world are my boots, my dear?' Wife
-"On the mantelpiece where you left
them last night. "-Neo0 York. Sun.
When the world was new there was
naturally an abundance of original
sin. Now wickedness of any kind is a
chestnut. Orleans Ptcdyune.
Presence of mind is all well enough
in some eases, but when q man finds
himself in danger of freezing to death
he shouldn't try to keep too COOL
Epoch.
II. Rider Haggard will lecture in
this country. The Journal desires to
recall its statement that he is thor
oughly original genius. = Nebraska
State Journal.
mo, l don't like Prigston, he's such
an ignoramus." "Why, that's the best
thing about him. If he knew ANYTHING,
he'd be telling it to everybody. "-BoS-
ton Transcript.
First young LADY, see that Mr.. Buff
falo Bills profits in London amounted
TO 100000. Second young Iady-Yes,
and think, too, of his position in So
ciety.-IId-B Bits.
The dead elephant Alice was dis
sected at Hartford and 800 pennies
being found in her stomach, it is be
lieved she had started monument
fund. Omaha Bee.
Only a rich man can afford to use
coal-gas as 4 means of suicide nova
days. His poor neighbor must con-
tent himself with the plebeian rope
Baltimore american.
1t was nip and tuck with Il Rhode
Island girl and her pa whether she
should bring q dude son-in-law into
the family, but finally Pawtucket.-
Duiuth Photographer.
1t it an freshman who defnes a rich
man rs man who bites OF more than
he can chew, and a poor man as a man
who chews more than he can bite off.
-Nca0 York. Tribune.
The value of diamonds depends upon
circumstances. Usually the ace is
worth the most, but sometimes the
ten-spot has twice its value.-DGUeit-
port Democrat Gazette.
''It's queer how some people make
money" remarked one travelling man
70 another. Yes; suppose you re-
fer to the counterfeiters, was the re-
ioinder.- Merchant TraeIer.
Old lady Con her way to church,
Don't you know, little boys, that it's
wicked to play ball SundayP"-..We
amt playin'; we're only practicin' for
termorrow's game. "-Ne10 Tor5 San.
Il say, old man, can you lend me a
tenner?' mo; you remember what
Shakespeare says: "A loan oft loses both
itself and friend" Yah! You can
go to-a nunnery! I've had enough
of you. "-NelO York Sun.
Counsel (to witness)-Is it possible,
Uncle 'Rastus, that YOU would swear
to what YOU know is not the truth for a
single paltry dollarP" Uncle 'Rastus
Gndignantly)-''No, sab; de gemman
guy me 81. "-Hdrper's Bazaar.
With a high appreciation of great
and interesting truth, Elizabeth Stuart
Phelps remarked: The sweetest song
is that no poet has begun" And, as
a general thing, the sweetest poet is he
who has begun no song.-Nc1O YORK.
World
Sister Clara entertaining young
Mr.. Featherly)-Why do you ask me,
Bobby, if was at the market yeSter-
day? You know very we'll [ was not.
Bobby heard Mr.. Featnerly say
something about your being in the
market.-NeO YORK.; San.
As soon as you forget to pay a man
a small sum you owe him tell him so
and he will be satisfied. 1t is the put
ting off and putting off of such pay
ments and not telling the man you
have forgotten it that makes him mad.
-Ne,o Orleans Picayune.
Patent agent-Tve got just the thing