The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1888-08-03
THE CITY or CHICAGO.
4 Somewhat Extraordinary Descriptio
of tho Western Metropolis.

a somewhat Extraordinary Dissertation
of tho Western Metropolis.
Chicago derives its name from eel
ebrated baseball team, and is charm
ingly located at the junction of the Chi
cago river heading south and the odors
from the rendering establishments
meandering north.
The town is atpresent run as q stock
company, the principal owners being
the street railways and the gas trust,
with a few shares scattered among
railroads having terminal facilities.
Its affairs are well managed, as affairs
must be in every paying concern. The
owners hire a common council,
board OF aldermen, the saloon-keepers
and a number of lawyers. These latter
buy the jurors necessary to carry on
the business. The mayor spends his
time in making promises and trying TO
keep out of the mud.
Citizens have full liberty to live until
killed by the cable cars, and may en-
joy their property if their gas bills
leave them any.
Chicago is known by the conventions
it keeps. At school / knew boy who
derived the word from "Con and ven
tbs, an assembly of wind" He was a
wise child, but he did not know his
teacher.
Local papers call the place sssum-
mer resort" It is also winter resort.
Both these seasons resort here in all
their glory, and take off their hats and
stay.
This place once burned up, and the
event made such an impression on the
inhabitants that the wicked ones, after
departing this life, are won't to say to
acquaintance from less favored re-
gions: g This is nothing; you ought to
have seen the Chicago fire.
The growth of this Western metrop-
oils has been marvellous. There are in
it to-day 4,719 oldest inhabitants who
sold the site of the city hall for cow
mired on the premises in 81, all of
whom have since regretted their bar
gain. There are in Chicago many
real-estate agents without visible means
| of support aside from their calling.
They are, as a rule, truthful. They
follow the plan laid down by Ig. Dom
nelly: To thine own self be true"
Any person dealing with one of them
can always have every confidence that
the agent will not be swindled.
Since the Board of Trade has de-
clared against the Produce Exchange
and other bucket-shops business has
been dull, and the members of the first
named institution are obliged to enrich
themselves by ''scalping" one another
and charging the regular commits
sions.
Last year there were disastrous fail
ures, owing to inability to deliver
wheat and aldermen that had been
sold short, but Chicago is ready for
another whirl.
The packing-houses and divorce
courts are models of neatness and dis
patch. The former dispatch porkers
so rapidly that Mr. Armour can in
three minutes convert hog into four
parts of creamery butter and six of
canned-chicken pie.
The weighing machine vii, now hand
out divorce for any one Putting an
extra nickel in the slot. Gentlemen
are frequently seen setting up divorces
with other gentlemen, practice
frowned on by the best families, for
this Treating system drives many
weak-minded men to get more di-
vorces than they really want, just be-
cause they haven't the moral courage
to say mo. y William Kent, u, Puck.