Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-03-01
WIT AND HUMOR.
Life is real. life is earnest.
And the grave is not its goal:
Dust thou buyest, dust thou burnesi
That was spoken of the coal.

1t was pork-packing Chicago man
Whose knowledge was at fault
When he said JOB Lot was the husband OF
her
Who was t,.-Aed 10 pillar of salt
-Puc6.
Everybody is more or less pious
these days. Pumpkins pi-ous, we
mean.-Danriie Breeze.
4 Brooklyn little girl calls her cat
Santa on account of his claws.-NelC
York Morning Journal.
Eolapuk, dear inquirer, IS the Ian
guage in which the train men call out
the stations. PHILADELPHIA Call
When a church sewing society meets
at members house the session soon
develops into an Ehglish-speaking
race. Puck.
At the museum. Mrs. My dear,
l wish you to observe this beautiful
statue of Apollo; and this is his wife,
Apolinaris.-Lye
She spoke from experience: Gras-
perl lost my pocketbook to-day"
I Mrs. Grasper-'I pity the woman who
finds i. -Gioe0n Topics.
a little lay Bachelor B.-Why,
NIL " ti!IL d NcLS eIudIl Egg mary
Yes, sir. it is; but it was only laid
this morning, sir.-LJe.
The difference between jay Gould
and the milkman is that, while they
both water their stock, the milkman
always milks his first.-LJe.
The destiny that shapes mans end
does not make q good shape without
some little assistance on the part of
the man.-Ne9U Orleans Picayane.
It would seem to the average phil
osopner that the man who wants the
earth the most is the chap sailing
about in runaway balloon.-Detroit
Free Press.
Countryman Cooking at elephanD
Dye s'pOse them tusks is real ivory,
John? Countryman-Naw, 1 don't
blieve they are. Prob'ly eelluloid.-
Nea0 York Sun.
Alderman (to his guest after good
dinner)-'Elpy shelf! Recollec' every
bo'l6 O champagne we drink provi'sh
employment for the wOrkin' closshesh
London Punch.
"Wedded " it'll Great Pomp' is not
an ideal heading for newspaper ac-
count OF q fashionable wedding. 1t
conveys the idea of miscegenation.-
Springfield (Mass.) Clarion.
When America was christened the
asylum for the oppressed Of all ma
lions information relative to Anarch-
lists and English sparrows was rather
meager.-Bosto1a Transcript.
Bootblack Ito old @entleman)-
Want er shine, boss? Old gentleman
No; it's going to rain, sonny. Boot
black-TIl get 'em shined up afore it
rains, boss.-Te1as SJtings.
A terrible glutton: What
big mouf Mr. Smiz must have"
Mother why, darling?" Child-'I
heard him say he swallowed two ponies
this morning. '-Toec'o Topics.
A writer says the Turks will cheat
but will not rob a man. He can't con-
vince people Of that in q country
where an Ottoman is always a foot
pad. Bjnghon1to11 Republican.
Brown (who has given his friend
cigar -These are something like ci-
CARS, eli, old boy? Jones obviously
regarding his)-Y es-er, something
like-what are they?-1e1as SytjngS.
If BOuguereau wants to send his
picture Of Adam and Eve weeping
over the body of Abel to New York he
Will have to fit them out with seal
skin sacques and ulsters. Pitt55urg
Post.
Stranger is Mr.. Blinks in? Hotel
clerk-Yes, he's in his room. Tell
him Mr.. Observation-Disclosures
''Front, tell 126 q gentleman from
Cincinnati wishes to see him. - Omaha
World.
The idea of using axle grease on
bread seems utterly repulsive to some
people until they have tasted the fresh
country butter sold at some of the
western Observation-Disclosures State
Journal.
Guest-Have you fre-escape in
this house? Landlord-Two of 'em,
sir. GUEST thought so. The fire
all escaped in my room last night,
and | came near freezing.-La1Orence
american.
A scientist declares that the hair
curls after death. Now, when you
hear you wife say that she's ''made
Il pie that will make your hair curl, ~"
you'll know just what she means
Ion6erS Statesman.
A Brooklyn photographer has struck
bonanza. He is working off a large
number of photographs of the en-
trance to Mammoth Cave labeled
Herr Most on the Platform. Bur-
Zingt011 Free Press.
900 L.,
ages for losing his feet by freezing
when lie was drunk. A man in Ere
mont is worth just about the same as
business property in Lincoln-$1,0 900 a
foot.-LancoL11 (Neb. Democrat.
After the dinner given to Mr.. Ros-
well Smith Mr.. Frank r. Stockton re-
marked carelessly: eve we're seven
hours at the table" Now, three meals
a day at that rate would be all that
any man ought to expect.-Epoch.
First gilded youth-There goes that
Brown, who is constantly taken for
ME. Wonder what's the reason? he
doesn't look like me in the least. Sec
ond ditto-No, that's so; but then you
may look like him, don't cher know
Life.
Ardently obedient: Wife Is it
true, hubby, that alcohol will take
stains out of silk? Husband-Yes,
dear. Wife-Well, please breathe on
these grease spots, there's darling.
He obeys and burns a hole in it
Tovn Topics.
Change is a great help to the
sick, remarked DR.. Pellet, while Wis
ting a patient. Yes, DOCTOR" re-