Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1888-03-23
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

Stage whispers are frequently hard In
mail coaches.
Ifyou want to know what sliding
scale IS try to handle a wet fish.
Under the hammer-the nail. Which
nail1 Why, your thumb nail, of course.
Witness, did you ever see the pris-
oner at the barr" "Oh, yes; that's
where l got acquainted with him."
At arailroad crossing near the depot
in Adrian, Michigan, is q sign bearing
the words: " Prepare to Meet thy God"
"What kind of tobacco is this2"
asked the customer. "Long cut or fine
cut9" Connecticut, replied the
dealer.
A Kansas City real estate agent was cut
on the cheek recently, and the Philadel-
phia Gall suspects it must have been with
a cold chisel.
Stranger Ito Washington hotel clerk
evil you direct me to the barrooml"
Clerk-"Yes, sir; follow the process
sion. "-Epoch.
- Three scrup,es make a drachm,n is taught
By teachers to their pupils;
Yet drains, if they're too often sought,
Won't add unto your scruples.
Judge.
Beggar-"Helpl Won't you choke
the dog off, oifcer2 He's killing mel
Officer "Choke him off, brute! What
do you take me for? Pm an officer of
the S. P. G. A.-Id. Bits.
At Texas Hotel; Guest Ito porter)-
81 want you to be sure and wake me up
at 5 o'clock. Porter-"All yer has to
do is to pull de bell when yer wants to
be woke. Tile hooking Bird.
There was once young man quite unique
For forty-fo tongues he could spique.
But one day for fone
He put them in one,
And he christened that one "Volapique."
Washington Critic.
This is the toast which the modest
Irishman drank to the Englishman: :
"Here's to you as good as you are, and
here's to me as bad as | am; but as good
as you are, and as bad as l am, Pm as
good as you are as bad as I am"
"Good evening, Mrs. Ownhair; how
did you like the entertainment last even
ing2' ~ was delighted" "And how
did you like the olio" ~ beg your
pardon, Mrs. Smith, but we use only the
best creamery butter. "-BostOn Tran
script.
George" asked the teacher of Sun
day-school class, "whom, above all 9TH
ers, shall you wish to see when you get
to heaven2" With face frightening up
with anticipation the little fellow
shouted: "Gerliah. "-BoSton Christian
Register.
London Truth sums up the record of
Osman Digna, the famous Arab chief, as
follows: Killed, six times; fatally
wounded, three times severely wounded,
four times; troops totally dispersed, nine
times; permanently discouraged, three
times; escaped, once.
Judge to jury)-"Have you agreed
upon verdict3 Is the prisoner guilty
or not guilty of theft, as charged in the
Indictment" Foreman-"We have not
yet reached verdict, you honor. l
nH.ee>ed my pocket book IN the night, and
| would respectfully ask that each juror
be searched. "-Net0 York Sun.
The rooster would be much more
popular bird if he could only be induced
to feel that there is no real, vital necessi.
ty for his reporting his whereabouts be-
tween midnight and A. NJ. We know
that he is at home, in the bosom of his
family. So are we, but we don't get up
in the night to brag about it.-Brlette.
Don Atenogenes complains bitterly of
the conduct of his son. He relates al
length to an old friend oil the young
mans escapades. "You should speak to
him with tirmness to call him to his
duty" says the friend. "But he pays
not the least attention to what | say. lie
listens only to the advice of fools.
wish you would talk to him. "-Meric0r
Fun.
"sir," sad the prisoner, 81 did rot
pay this man for my refreshments, be
cause know nothing of the value O.
money. never pay my debts. am 6
child of genius" "And what is you
age2" asked the justice. "Forty-twC
years" "Then it is time you wer,
weaned," and his Honor gave him thirt,
days away from the bottle.-NeW Yorj
NewS.
"That ton of coal looks to me abou
: two hundred pounds short, " said famil.
man, land by thunder I'll have i
weighed. The way some of these Goa
+ dealers cheat is wicked" After he haC
it weighed, he said to his wife: ut
all right; weighs about a hundred
! pounds over" "How much will yoV
6 have to pay for the extra weight, John9
"Nothing. That's their mistake. Wife
--------~---------------