The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1888-07-20
NEWSPAPER wAIrs.

Husband (all ready for the theatre)
i declare, dear, it's raining bard.
Wife (buttonDg her gloves)-Well,
what's a little rain7 One would think
from your tone of voice that we were
about starting for church.-Horper's
Bdzdr.
"who made this hash 7" "Why, my
new Boston cook, Of course" "Then
please return TO her these remnants of
pair of eyeglasses, and tell her that
she needn't give her dishes such an in
tellectnal flavor hereafter. "--Boston
Gazette.
young man." he said, solemnly,
"what would you think If ] should put
an enemy into my mouth TO steal away
my brains I" 81 would (bic) think, SIR
hiccougbed the young man, shat you
were going to an unnecessary expense"
-Ne,o York San.
Friend TO Mormon lady)-You are
very happy with your husband, are you
not, Mrs. Bringham Mrs. Bingham
Very. We are devoted to each other,
and he has such perfect confidence in
my Judgment that he conides all Of
his little love affairs to me.-Lve.
Mr.. Sharkley-Made terrible funk
of my last matrimonial attempt-at old
Goldebagge's, you know. Mr.. Spark
ley-Ahl asked for bread and they
gave you stonei Mr.. Sparkley-Worse.
Asked for the daughters hand and got
the fathers foot.-7oson Topics.
Happy man TO fair widow)-"And
shall we have rousing wedding, dar-
ling, fine supper, dancing music, and
all that sort of thing 2" Fair widow
N-no. think not, John, dear. We
must remember there was funeral in
the house only short time ago.--Zhe
Epoch.
Spirit of Charles Dickens-So you
are the late Matthew Arnold are youf
Newly arrived spirit-Yes. Spirit of
Charles Dickens-Well, want to con-
dole with you on that American criti-
cism business. I've passed through
the same experience myself.-Pittsbesrg
| Chronicle.
The Minister-And what kind of a
man, FlOssie, do you think you will
marry when you grow upi Clara
| Why don't you answers Flossie-I
hardly know, sir; l don't think it's
right for me to think about marriage
until sister Clara is out of the way
life.
Husband-"Have the couple who
Just moved into the house ,ext door
any children?" Wife s'Children !
They've only been married a day or
two" 'How do you know?" "Be-
fore he started down town this morn
ing he kissed her, and he didn't act as
if he was afraid he'd get hit if he
didn't. t.'-Onaaha World
Mistress (severely)-"Marie, didn't
hear you make use of the expression
you little brat in the nursery Just
now?" Marie "a French bonne)-
"Yees, Madame, but Miss Flossie do
wexes me so {" Mistress Qess severely }
10, thought you were speaking t /,
lido. Send Miss Flossie to me It
ce.'-Ihe Epoch.
Visitor (to convict)-I s'pose you are
treated well here my friendf Convict
Yes, sir; have no complaints to
make but there is one thing ! don't
like. Every Sunday mornin' in the
chapel they set me next to one of these
ere shoutin' Methodists, an tain't
pleasant fer a man wot was born az
brought up 'Piscopaliau.-LJe.
Mamma" anxiously whispered Miss
Overtherhine, fashionable belle OF
Cincinnati whose mother was giving
grand evening party, can awful blum.
der has happened !" "Why, you alarm
me, Lula, DEAR" said the mother in
CONSERVATION "what is iti" at il
not yet ~ o'clock. and there are only
five kegs of beer left.'-Neao York Sun
Landlady TO applicant for board)-
Have you children, madam Appli
cant-No. Landlady-You are fortu
nate, for we never take families who
have children. Applicant-Have you
any children : Landlady-Yes; two
Applicant-Well, you are unfortunate
for we never board with families who
have children-Neac York San.
? 81 see," remarked the Duke of Toron
} to, looking over New Jersey paper
9 ''that Overdraft the banker is dead
, He was your friend, was he net 7" add
ed the Duke kindly, seeing the tear
r gather in the Americans eyes. eyes,
i said the exile, he was. All that
: have in this world owe to that man
J. I was his cashier "Let's 90 and liqui
date" said the Duke breaking the Ion,
Q silepce.-Burdette.
"Doctor," asked Mr.. Goodswallow
anxlously, ''my eyes are rowing veal
and watery. l read good deal afte
supper. Do you think it is the lamp
,, light or the fine print that Injuries m,
a eyes7" "N.no," replied DIR. Seegood
81 thiuk it is the glasses" 9Th
blamed old FOOL said Goodswallow
y telling his friends about it, "when
= knows as we'll as do that l neve
II wear spectacles. And when l aske
o him what l had better do he told m
u to take the pledge. l half believe h
II was drunk.-B,rdette.
Al