The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-27
NEWSPAPER HUMOR.
Written with q Six Dollar Pair of Shears.

Written with Six Dollar Pair of Shear,
Ode to the printer-$2.
Well drilled-The oil regions.
Town pumps-Local editors.
A printers row-A quadrangle.
The fat of the land Petroleum.
Paper cuffs-Newspaper attacks.
Epitaph on printer-dead matter.
In the great battle of life many viii
by shooting off their mouth"
Why is the world like piano?-Be
cause 1t is full of sharps and flats.
The general adopshn Of fonetik spelir
wud nok Josh Billings hirn kite.
A certain preacher called his hat Col
gotha, because it was the place Of &
skull.
Talk is cheap IN this world, because
the supply is so much larger than the
demand.
If you would be wealthy get upon q
mule. You will soon find out that you
are DeJIeT OH.
An Ohio editor had new shirt collar
presented him, and he Is now waiting
for some one to give him shirt.
You can't play that on me!' said the
piano to the amateur who broke do wn
on difficult piece of music.
Kissing is somewhat like seven-up.
II he begs, and she thinks she can make
point i'll the game, she will give him
one.
There's a divinity that doth hedge a
king, but put three other kings and an
ace In the same hand, and there'll be no
hedging.
The time of spicing and picking of
fruit has come, and the economical
housewife may be seen going through
her husbands YES pockets for cloves.
A tremendous explosion recently oc.
Cured in hall in which over two thou
sand people were assembled. but no one
was hurt. 1t was an explosion Of laugh
ter.
A practical wOmln's recipe for mat
rimonial happiness is to keep the hus-
band out of the house six hours every
day, except Saturdays, when you can
try four"
When writer says a certain thing is
impossible to describe" and then uses
half column in its description, he
doubtless means that nobody but him
self could describe it.
Il smell suffin a-burnin'," remarked
an aged negro, who sat at campfire,
tOastiug his extremIties. Gossip he
added, in moment, with wild yell,
Its dis niggah's own foot"
Lord Brougham, once when he was
in facetious mood, being asked to de-
fine a lawyer, said: "A lawyer is a
learned gentlem n, who rescues your
estate from your enemies, and keeps it
himself.
The Adams Express Company refuses
to carry live snakes, and when we re-
member how Adams express company
got into trouble with one of the reptiles
in Eden, we cannot wonder at the re-
fusaI.
Professor-"What is the fundamental
of existence?' Student
Time" Professor How do you ex-
plain that" Student-"Very easily.
How can person exist, if he hasn't
time for it?'
A western editor lately married one
of his Compositors, another compositor
acting as bridesmaid, the officiating
being a retired printer. the
local editor giving the bride away
Exchange. Where was the deyi?
During trial, the judge called wit
ness. No one answered. An elderly
man arose and solemnly said, He is
gone" where is he gomez" asked the
judge, in no tender tone. II don't
know; but he is dead" was the guard
ed answer.
At theatre in Dublin a gentleman
a man in front of him to sit
down, adding sarcastcally, IL suppose
you are aware, sir that yon are opaque :"
Il shall sit down when it suits me, !"
was the response, land if you want to
handle my name, mind, it's not O'Pake
at all, but O'Brien."
A newspaper paragrapher advices us
TO give our smiles to the aged" Wei
are sorry, but we cannot. Our sweetest |
and most expansive smiles are all re-
served for the pretty girls. If the aged
want us to smile for them, let them pay |
for it; say two cents per smile wouldn't
be unreasonable, would it?