Connecticut western news., 1888-09-05
HUMOROUS

In the swim-The shark.
 A slip of the pen-A young pig.
 Apretty hard rub-A Turkish bath.
 A man of small caliber is tho greatost bore.
 A bcastly jam-A dcrailed circu. train.
 Fresh inn.formation Building . now hotel.
 Fires in dental off e, are ofttim.s ac- cidental.
 The college students now learn their lessons oar and oar.
 When bargo meets barge then comes the tug of commerce.
 Tho retired pianist and the retired minister are all expouudera
 When tho baker makes his morning rouad, tho roll call is in order.
 Its enough if you have passing ao- quaintauco with railroad man.
 Cats arc the poets of the lower ani. mals-they alone cultivate the news.
 Tho most confirmed old salt on tho sea may be too fresh whom he gou | ashore.
 Most sea captains arc called 'jolly old salts" but somo of thom are rather peppcry.
 The condemned murderer's voice is tremulous and husky, simply because he cannot clear his throat.
 I've kissed her in all kinds of verses, | I've kissed her in prose till it's stacked As high as the caves of my office, l But never have kissed her in fact.
 Man is in his bcst condition for labor when ho is fresh from rest, but tho wagon wheel is in its best condition when it is tired.
 A Georgia man cured himself of dYs- pcrsia by swallowing mouthful of bran after oach meal. This is bran now remedy, sure.
 Johnny Dumpsey-Ps, can you tell mo what MDCCCLXXXvI, on that building meant Mr. Dumpsey-Well, about all I can make out of it Johnny, Is "Mcdical College"
 On their wedding trip-Scene, rail- road restaurant. She-Oh, dearl I wish we had hammer to crack this pie crust. He-Wuit moment, my love. l will buy a sand wich. First Lady-Have you any hired help now9 Second Lady-Wel', half and half, say. First Lady-I don't un- dcrstand, quite. Second Lady-Why, you see, it is hired, but it is no help. "How we'll remember" said Dum- ley, as he proudly fou-ished sword, 'thc first timo I ever drew that onco shining blade!" "Whcro did you draw it?" inquired Feathcrly. ''At reffl,."
 Mothcr-Johnny, you mustn't play with Willie Brown any moro. John ny-Why not, mammal Mothcr-Dc- CauSo AC AS O Ou>A AheaS wye Well, mamma, aiat so good myself that you ought to be kickin'.
 When the first Napoleon, having abandoned Moscow, arrived at tho , ferry on tho River Niemon, ho asked the fcrryman, who did not know him, if many French desortors had crossed over. "No," was tho reply "you arc tho first"
 "Thcre is no more fourishing busi- ness in tho world than mine," sniI tho life insurance agent to his intended vic- tim. Yes" said tho victim calmly. 'I sec you keep fl u,ishing both hands all tho time; but my dear young sfiond, that doesn't convince me-" %a Widow Harifars Candlady) My husband used to say, poor man, that ho always felt better for 1t if he got up from table just little hungry. sar. castle boarder (only week behind with his board aud consequently indcpcn- denD-I sposc, Mrs. Hardfaro. that your husband felt good pretty much all | the timo.
 "Why can't they mako those dum- mics moro lifolikc" said facetious chap halting with friend in front of a clothing store and skipping figure Q vigorous blow on tho check. The "Iummy' turned suddenly, let fly his left, and knocked tho facetious chap of his pins. Tho lattor concluded that tho dummy was littlo too lifelikc.
 Fond Parcnt-Take her, Augustu' take her, and may you bo happy. Yct it is sad-vory sad-for father to sec his little ones bud into beauty, and when ho loves th m most leavo him. Aah! Alphabetically, sir l didn't think you'd focl it so much. Still, wo can rcli vo your aching heart. Tell yau what wo'll do-wJll come aud live n z-