The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-06-10
GIRLS.
Written for THE SUNDAY HERALD.

Written for THE SUNDAY II ERALD.
Girls. if were single man. would
dearly love to have four or five of you
sitting on my knee so I could whisper
few boleyed words of wisdom into
your redundant ears; not as would
have done at twenty, but in a sort OF
half-fatherly way for somehow, feeling
a serene security from detection, deem
it my duty to point out few of your
minor defects; and take the liberty OF
Offering little advice solely for the
purpose of mending your ways, that
you may still nearer resemble the
angelic. For, girls, notwithstanding
YOUR modern witchery and magnetic
beauty, you are not quite the types OF
perfection; you still have a few faults
to mend, few errors to repair: your
lntellects still contain an occasional
vacuum, or room for something yet to
earn.
10 the first place, stop chewing gum;
the habit, besides being ungraceful
aad injurious, is extravagant in the
extreme, not so much on account of the
COSs VI gum dS ~ ID LII S4C 1883 VI 16pOl
and waste OF power, for by scientific
calculation it has been demonstrated
that an ordinary school girl chewing
gum at the rate of seventy strokes p r
minute for five hours q day develops
over twelve hundred horse power per
aunum; and Just think of the number
of school girls there are in this world
Why girls. if ali this power that is lost
in masticating gum. was applied to
running saw mills, steamboats, or loco
motives, it would save in fuel millions
and millions of dollars annually.
Again, this gum chewing habit is
very detrimental to the throat and
lungs and has a tendency to over
develop the muscles of the jaw; this
physical affection is not so observable
in early years, but manifests itself very
soon after you are endowed with
the endearing name of wife. Il
is then. discovered that your
voice has lost its melodious cadence
of grlhood. and that it has assumed
those harsh, discordant sounds common
to people with an oyergrowth of jaw.
It is we'll known fact that Mrs. Oau-
| die was an inveterate cum cheWer in
her youth. So girls don't chew gum.
| When you have OuJgrown tn gum
habit and devote all your time to the
requirement OF beaux, use more con-
sid. ration in the treatment of the same !;
don't eat all your ice cream aud oys
ters with one fellow; be more congenial
and give the others a chance; it will
familIarize them with your tastes and
appetite, and allow the one fellow to
mature friendship for part OF his
salary,
When you have gentlemen callers,
don't compel your poor mother to come
into the parlor and entertain them
every night; remember, she is getting
old, sitting up late does not agree with
her, she has plenty to do cooking
breakfast and getting her girl,
Tout of bed in the morning.
And, besides, a fellow may object to
having his future moth er-in-iaw hear
all the sweet love stories he tells her
daughter; she might interpose doubt
as to the truth or originality of the
same; elderly people are not so cred
ulous as younger ones, and as rule
they have heard nearly all of Cupid s
tales.
The foregoing advice is strictly for
girls-single. unmarried girls. This !
wish to be distinctly understood, as, foI
various reasons, l have no desire to
crlticise or advise married women. But
do so wish some brave. philanthropic
man, some one who has been Through
the mill > would offer few suggestions
to, and point out the errors of wives
someone that would tell them how to
make home more happy; one that would
explain to wives the falacy of always
settling domestic arguments and dis.
putes with the rolling-pin or the poker
| have neither the b nor the inclina.
ton to do so, and. besides, my wife is
aqua nted with the nom de plume OF
your scribe. TOM DIX.