The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1888-04-18


When the meeting opened Broth
er Gardner announced that Profess
sor Conflict Johnson, of Columbia. s.
u, was in the antc-rOom and wait.
ing to address the club on the sub.
ject of: The Willingness of Some.
thing, and the Something of Moth.
'ngness.' The Professor was noted
all over the South rs a PHILOSOPHER,
and this lecture would he practic.
al demonstration of Philosophy. The
gentleman had been in the city three
days. the guest Of Givcadam Jones
and had not yet offered corn cure
or hair rcnewer for sale. This was
pretty fair proof that he was the phil.
osopher he claimed to be, and the
President hoped all members present
would pay strict attention to the lee.
ture.
The Professor made a favorable i'm.
preston as he entered the hall He
was small, sawed.of man, with ears
standing out at just the right angle
to scrape snow off the top Of rail
fence, and there was q look of deep
intelligence in his eyes rs he cast
them around the room.
The Professor loosened his neck-tic
pushed up his sleeves, took gulp
OF the purest drinking water furnish
Ell any city in the land, and began
My frens, look across dc room at
dat stove pipe hole in de chimbly.
Dat hole ar nothingness. You
can't carry 1T away you can't handle
it; sou can't pledge it TO the pawn.
broker; de police cant arrest it. An
ylt dat hole war made to take in q
six inch stovepipe, an carry off de
smoke from big coal stove. Wild
out dis nothingncss the something
ness combustion, Eeat an comfort
could not prevail. Sec?'
(Applause, and cries OF hear hear y
Il turn my breeches pocket wrong
side out, continued the Professor, as
he suited the action to the word.
What do you seep Nothingncss. An
yit If didn't have this nothingness
whar would put my somethingncss?
In odder words, bnt for this pocket
where would | put the money nee
cssarv for my eXistenccH At present
it ar an empty somcthingncss hold.
in powerful lot of nothiugness, but
de nothingness is highly necessary
to fucher somethingncss. Sce?'
Great applause during which Shin
dig Watkins swallowed the brass oven
coat button he was holding in his
mouth to cure palpitatiOn of the
heart.
'Heah is paper hag,' said the
Professor, as he held up one to view.
Look inside and what DO yon find?
Emptiness. 1t is somethingness
full Of rnothingness. If we had n
m:llionof dis somethingness we would
starve on the nothingness Of it. An
yit. when Elder Toots goes to dc
grocery an orders pound of white
sugar, dc grocer makes use OF dis
berry nothingncss to bring about n
somethingness. De cmptmcssi is drv.
en- out an becomes n funcss, an dc
ELDER goes home wild bag Of SUI
gar under his arm, don't mean to
insinuate dat Elder Toots has cher
bin financially able to purchase ten
hull pounds of any sort Of sugar Mt
one time, but i simply suppose a
case for illnstrasMn See?
[Vociforous applause from all cX-
cept the elder, who said that if he
was fifty years younger he'd lick
the Professor before he left town.
we look into bar'l on dark
night. We see de nothingncss of
something. and de somethingncss
OF nothing. Do nothingncss was
created to hold forty-two gallons Of
cider or somethingness. We go
an bore hole IN de ground. 1t ar
n nothingness. Nobody kin take
1t away. Put gate post In dat
hole an de nothingness becomes n
somethingness to once. See?
Long continued applause, du-
ring which Pickles Smith lost three
suspender buttons by an uncxpect-
ed careen to starboard.l
AS furder illustrashum, take
dis room when empty. All ar
nothingless. De regular Saturday
night meetin' comes around, an
de not thingness becomes some
thingness T.. ID. q. Dc meetin' ad !
journs in due time, an de some
thing resolves itself into nothing
ness wild promptness an dispatch
But. my hearers, / do not intend
to take ups de valuable time OF de
meeting. My object was to prove
to you dat riches do not constitute
happiness, and dat de Standard
Nil Company does not run dis kon.
try.
iCries Of go Onr from ali parts
OF the hall, and during the confus.
jon some one hit Trustee Pulback
In tho lon eye with n potato.
DO Pyramid Of Egypt ar anoder
Iiustrashun,' continued the orator,
as he wiped bls brow with the back
oC his nistfd and gulped down some
SnOTe water. 'At,flist sight tlcy ar,
nothin0ness. You Dalfse mn, ~