The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1888-10-19
The Old Maid OF Protection and
the Young Girl Of Fair Trade.

II For the Courier.
The Old Maid or Protection and
j the Young Girl or Fair Trade.
j ~ Calamity Peter of A. D.. 1000.
i Two friends, one. as Il happens Just
that wav, an Englishman. and the other
Ia n Irishman. got married on November
the sixth, 1883. (strange coincidence),
the former to old maid Protection and
the latter TO young girl Fair Trade.
i That's the Introduction TO our story.
and here is our story.
i The wedding came of il Jasper at tie
lpoll-box. Uncle Sam being the minister.
The Englishman was married to old maid
Protection, and with smile on his face
took her 10 his home. having now in re-
lality become Q citizen or the United
States and welded to the Republican
lparty. At his home he found the we'd
ding dinner spread In great style. There
were present 81 the occasion Uncle Benz
famine and his wife Anna Dickius,
brother Jim and his neighbor widow
Reid, grandfather Hovey and bis niece
Rehiie Chase, cousin Morton and Misc
Quay nephew Carnegie and Mrs. Sher-
imam. widower Hoar and Miss Edmunds, I
and others. Uncle Benjie brought . lot Of
Isccond-haud speeches as . wedding pres- j
lent,s and bis wife . worn ont dramatic
lpiece; brother Jim presented q book
lentitled. "Twenty Years on the Stump, n
land his neighbor, the widow, gave Z pile
Iof old newspapers labeied, IN. Y.l
ITrib. !" grandfather Hovey gave to thel
bride pension certificate entitled, anil
|see you later" aud Refiie Chase blessed
the bridegroom In the form Of . pres.
|ence cousin Morton had with him bagl
|0f copper cents, and Miss Quay a keg oil
fat, which they placed on the centre-ta-
BILE % present TO the wedding couple i
nephew Carnegie and Mrs. Shermanl
presented set Of rules, "How 10 Rusti-I
|caie;" widower H0sr aud old Miss Ed
munds came empty handed, and 50 did
the others.
The dinner was partaken OF by al, and
the occasion was enlivened by IN un-I
limited supply Of Free Whiskey.D andl
several after.dinDer speeches. Deliver
ing one Of the latter brother Jim vcry|
nearly choked on . piece Of Cleveland
luck.
After dinner the gentlemen retired 10
smoke free cigar, and the women to
contemplate each other.
Time fitted, and the time to retire 10
the wedding-chamber approached with
dire significance.
At last the chance 10 see what Mr.
IngIish (the Englishmsn's name) had
been welded to had arrived.
Aud what did he see? We shall see II
Old Maid Protection with loving eyes
besought Mr.. Inglish to retire without
but Mr.. Inglish was inexorable.I
So Miss Protection removed the loveIy|
veil that protected her beauty from un-l
holy gaze, and Mr.. IDglish stood thun-
Before him lay pile OF false hair tied
10 b0w-knot which had protected Miss|
Did Maid Projections son head froml
getting . chill; . pair OF faIse-teethl
which had up TO date protected the old
maid (called Miss Trusi BY some) FROM
being surprised by unprotected crackersl
ind figs; false eye which had 0ftenI
protected Miss Trust from being mis-I
AIKEN for . blInd-eyed Goddess: twoI
pretty wire-wovcn bos0ms, which
lsd protected Miss Trust from being
AIKEN for hobby horse and also from
atchiug cold; 1 stomach pad. : liver
I'D, two Kidney pads. and other psds|
osSo uuu pSVtSStcO Al99 4Gu4J IrOulI
ooking like bean.pole, and from ,tch-|
Dg calarrhs into the different regions Il
y artificial left arm, an artificial right
'and, 90 artificial right foot, brace to|
race the left thigh, completed the arna-
nentarium with which Miss Trust had
een protected from the unholy gaze
nd the immoral glanCes OF the volersl
or matrimony IN the year 1858. With
heee things TO protect her che had sue
eeded 10 binding Mr.. Inglish % vote
Dc Il and Be Joined ID wedlock with I'LL
And now before Mr.. IngIish stood
[iss Trust, the old maid OF Protection
ncovered In all her native and natural
ideOusnoss. Mr.. Ingllsh saw tho fatal
listake be had made, but Il was too late IN
here were but two courses open 10 him.
ne 10 grin and bear Il, and the other tolh
Dmmit suicide. Mr.. Republican. stand n
nd ponder before you wed Miss Trust. N
10 old maid Of Pr0teciion Ia
Now this 10 very nearly the whOlolfr
'0ry. IL 10 true the Irishman got MARI =
ed too at the same time and place as|
II. Inglieh, but be married the youuglil
|rl Of Fair Trade, who WAS born on alsf
9eetorn farm, who had nothing on but 81 |tl
ONE epun drees, and who Wos fair tolc<
ok upon, and pleasant 10 b with. ia
The young girl Fair Trade Was pro-|dl
'nted 70 the groom BY her Father, Gro u
Or Cleveland who Was President Or the n
'nited States from 1885 70 1898, and
'ho was one OF the most illustrious andth
and wise and couragoousa ~
reoldonts the United States ever had. q
The country presented % The glrI \
ar Wrndn Anil her huohand : waah j@ss ~e