davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
WANTED HIM.

An unpreteDtious man entered the office of the proprietor ofa great daily newspaper.
 "Well, sir, what can do for youi'
 "I have come, sir, to ask for poh ton as editorial writer on your pa per"
 T don't think there is room for an. other man, still, using a homely phrase, we are ever on the look -Out for good timber. Have you done much newspaper work?"
 "None, sir"
 "But you think that you can shape public sentiment, ch2"
 "No, sir"
 "Then why do you ask for plaoei'
 "On account of my fitness"
 "Of your fitness7 But what does your fitness consist of7"
 My absolute ignorance"
 "You are surely . peculiar man. Want q position as editorial writer because you are absolutely ignorant?"
 "Yes, sir"
 "But of what use is an absolutely ignorant man? What would you propose to dor"
 "Write articles on the tariff"
 The proprietor caught a quick breath, placed one hand on the table to steady himself, and said: "Of course want you, but I am sur- prised to see that you have resigned your seat in congress-"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
HER GREAT INFLUENCE.

"Yes," said the colonel, when for some time the conversation had dwelt upon woman as great political fac tor, "woman even in our land of unro- mantle democracy has not only made cabinet officers and presidents, but has caused wars. Why, sir, you may talk about slavery and states rights, but ii it hadn't been for woman we would not have had civil war in this country ?
 "I don't zee how you make that out" the general responded. "No one is more willing than am to ackDowl- edge woman's great influence, and I admit that she may have made cabinet officers and presidents, but don't think she had anything to do with tine bringing about of our war"
 "You have not, it seems to me- said the colonel, "given the subject as
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
WAS REWARDED.

A man with long hair went into a barber shop and was shaved. After getting out of the chair he stood as if waiting for something.
 "Anything mo'?" the barber asked.
 "Yes. I owe you five dollars. Here's your money"
 "You doan owe me no money, cap'n.
 "Yes, I do. Several years ago vowed that the barber who shaved me and failed to ask me If wanted my hair cut, should receive five dollars. That was years ago, and although l have been under many razors since took the VOW, you are the only one who failed to ask the question. Take the money. Your strength in with standing great temptation deserves reward"
 The barber took the money, and as the white man was turning away, the barber said "Call agin, Cap'n Moore. {"
 My name is not Moore"
 "Ain't dis Cap'n Moore?"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
Bill-"wall, Mr. Preacher, it's about

Bill-"Wall, MT. Preacher it's about time ter begin the rat-killin'. Al, want you ter stan up with me. Ain't got no gal ter stand up with Liza, but you ken stand up fur both uv us."
 Sam-"Oh, les wait a while an have suthin' mo- ter drink, fur lot uv folks will drap in alter while, an eff the weddin's dun tuck place, wy, they'll be diserp'inted."
 Bill-"Wall, Pm agreeable. Pm putty full now, but thar's allus time ter drink"
 [They drink again. Bin sits down on bench and soon falls asleep.
 Sam (o Mir. Blake)-"Now, ole man, me an Liza will git married. Ive got the license right here ter seal the erfair with He won't shoot when he wskes np, will he Al2"
 Al--"No. You leave that ter me. Git married now an hull out rum here."
 Sam and Liza are married. They mount horses and ride away.
 Bill (opening his eyes)- )-"Here, let's licker."
 Al-"Ef I wuz you wouldn't talk erbout lickerin' no mo-"
 Bill (getting up)--"Why so?"
 Al-"You'd better ax why so. You got drunk a while ago, tuck out yore pistol an swore that eff Liza didn't marry Sam and hull out rum here you'd kill 'em both. Treated the ole man here shameful. He begged you ter marry the gal yo'se'f-tole you that he had been ergin you some time ergo cage he didn't at that time know yore strong p'ints, but you punched him with yore pistol an swore you'd kill him eff he didn't make Liza marry Sam. I couldn't do a blame thing with you, fur you swore you'd kill me eff l didn't keep my mouth shet up, an Pm not goin' round hankerin alter bein' killed, me-"
 Bill-"l'm a gre't mind ter take myself out here an shoot my head off. Here Tve lost the best gal that ever lived just on the count uv little flicker. Gentlemen, whisky won't do It pizens mans prospects, an gives his moral character the rheumatiz Pm sorry, ole man, an I 'polygize Wall, fellers, under the circumstances think we ken stand leetle mo flicker" ."-Opte P Redd.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
PRICE, 5 CENTS.
LAUGHED AT HIS sHREwpNEss

The judge met old John simpson and asked
 "Arc you going to buy that lot you were talking to me about tho other dayp"
 "Nor, sah My stock dun gome down in dc market, Fs cr busted man."
 "liow did that come aboutp"
 Wall, sah, dc lady whut mair,l owned all de property dar wus In do family, an she's dun ict- mo-
 Why did sho leave your"
 "She tole me some time ergo, she did, dat ef ebor got drunk ergln she gwIne ter leave mo an taka all do property Way rum mo, an dc prock- ermation made mo opcn my eyes, 1t did, fur knowed she gwino do Iea' whut she said, It went crluang all right, an I didn' tctoh er drap till night 'fo' las Den me an some do boys got In CT little game, an alter while l hit dc Jug befo' know'd whut wuz a-doin', an' alter hittln' 1t wunst, wy, l kcp' on CT tappin' It till got putty full. How In do worl' is Kwinc git outcn iisf' I said ter mersct. 'Blec,ls ter go homo, cage I tole her I'd bo dar in time ter take her ter prn'r-meetin'. Whut ia Igwlne dor Den CT idco hoppcd In my head. T has noticed, says l. dat CT drunk man ncber washes his hands wld noap.' It's CT dicklus idee, but It's CT fack. Now, I'll 70 home, walk 'lILcrately out in de kitchen whar my wife Is, take up do soap an wash my hans laughed ter think O my sharpness, de po' fool dat wuz, an hurried erlong home. My wife wuz In dc Kitchen.
 ''Bood cbsnin', honey says I. Sho looked at me, but didn't 'skivcr my secret. went up ter dc wash basin an 'gunter wash. 1 splattered an' rubbed wid dc soap, an kcp' on rub bin', but de soap wouldn't lathcr. l kcp' CT rubbln', an CT rubbin', but no father Alter while my wife she say When you git through rubbln' ycr- se'f w!d dat whetst0ns I'd like ter hab it CT minit ter sharpen dis knife
 "l flung up bof hans right dar an gunter beg, but It want no usc. She lef' me de ncx' mawnin'."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

Incensed newspaper hnmorist (to friend )-"See here, that fellow John- son has stolen my sketch and worked 1t over."
 Friend-"Yes, sec he has,"
 Humorist-"Isn't that outrageous? Why, I'd rather steal . mans money than his ideas"
 Friend-1S0 would I. Would rather have his money.s
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
INTERVIEWED BY A PIPE.

T was once sent to interview the governor of Kentucky on an import ant question:" said we'll known Lou isville newspaper man. "Just before reaching the state house 1 thoroughly lighted my pipe, larg black briar- root, and forgetting myself still fur ther, I walked into the governors pri- vate office, still smoking. He gave Ihe hard look, and, now realizing my breach of politeness, I said:
 "Governor, you must pardon my thoughtlessness. l."
 "'Let me see that pipe,' said he.
 "I handed it to him, and, after ex- amining it, he said:
 :.I stopped smoking last week, and although can withstand the tempta- tions of cigar, yet an old pipe like this-well, it-it-' He stuck the stem in his mouth and began to pufl with sort of hungry vigor.
 "'Governor,' said I, can you give our paper your opinion on
 "'Give me some tobacco
 "I handed him some tobacco, and stuffing it into the pipe, on top of the fire already in it, applied lighted match and then said:
 "'Now, leave me for half an hour
 "About half an hour later returned end got the points of an excellent in- terview. Young man. said the gov ernor, as I was about to take my leave, you should not have come in here smoking, but I'll tell you whats . fact if it hadn't been for that pipe you wouldn't have gotten a word out of me-"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
DIDN'T KILL HIM.

A Georgia man started out one morning to kill his dog. He had given the animal every opportunity to show his worth, but as he had failed to take advantage of any of them, the disappointed man decided, after holding n consultation with his wife, that Rip, as he was called, should be deprived of his life. The man took down his gun and lcd the dog away, intending to take him to the top of distant hill.
 "Rip,' said the man, "f hste ter shoot you, but you aiD't Bo manner account. You won't tree q 'pos.um, won't light coon, an won't eyen run q rabbit, so you've got ter dis"
 Just then, having reached the road, the dog broke away, dashed at man who was walking along the road and springing upon him, bit him severely.
 You've got to kill that internal dog p exclaimed the victim when he had been rescued.
 "WaiI, 1 did star. ou. ter Kill him"
 "Go on then and do it.7
 "But wait minit. Ain't you the county Jedgei"
 Yes"
 "Air you bit bad?"
 "Ye=, am."
 "WsIl, ez I said, had started ter kill him 'caze he ain't no count, but gay, air you sartin you air the county ledger"
 "Of course 1 am."
 "Wali, Rip, (affectionately stroking the dog) won't take you over yonder on the hill, fur have diskivercd that you air good fur suthin' alter all. Come on an we'll go home. Bit CT county jedge. Wy, Rippy, that1l tickle nay wife putty nigh to deAth."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
THE BLAIR BILL.

An old negro called on the governor of southern state. "Fs come," said he, ''ter get some information dat needs nightly. Now. tell me suthin' bout dis yere Blair bill. Whut do 1t pose ter do?"
 Well" the governor replied, "it is measure to give to the states money to be used for educational purposes"
 "Who gwine ter gin de money ter de states?"
 "The general government"
 "Gin it ter de statcs?"
 "Yes."
 "Wall, den, w'uts de cause O all dis 'skussion. Ei dc gubermcn wants ter gin money ter de states ter keep so much ignunce from trampin' roun' de neighborhood, w'y'nt dc states take de money an hushp"
 "The general nment has no right to interfere with the educational affairs of q state."
 "Call gibin' money interim 2"
 "Yes, it is opposed to our inherited right of state sovereignty"
 "Ah, hah. Oats all l wanted ter know, sah. De berry fack dat folks is ergin dat ar measure Is CT sho sign dat da needs it. Spozen l want able ter sen my boy ter ez good CT school cz hc oughter go to an my bes' frien' wuzter come ter me an tell me dat he had 'cided ter vote some O his gre't wealth ter edycation, an dat ef l would sen my boy ter de big school-house whar ever kind O book would be gin him, does yer reckon dat I'd turn on dat frien' an tell him ter mind his own bizness? Does yer think it would be right fur me ter go 'way an mutter an move an say dat my frien' wuz tryin' ter take mean vantage O me?"
 "Old man." said the governor, "you do not understand the question, and fear that could not, If l were to try ever so hard, make you comprehend it. l."
 "Oh, yas, does un'erstan' 1t, sah, but you's de man w'ut doan un'er- stan 1t. un'erstaD's dat our grc't frien', de gubermen', would gin us money ter edycate our chillun wid an dat you smart men is mowlin' erbout de rights O de state. Er state may hab CT good many rights, sah, but no community is got CT right ter keep its chillun in ignunce."
 But, old man, the states are able to educate their children"
 "Den wy doan da do itf Oh, l knows dat we's got schools, an de chillun in de towns far's mighty well, but you jes go out anywhar in de country, in any d'reckshun you please, an you'll Hn' ignunce growth ez rank ez CT grapevine in CT beech woods"
 "There Is no use talking to you, old man. The states are just now becom- ing able to educate the children"
 "Whut, bin Joyin' dar percuiiar rights all deze years and is jes now gittin' able ter grub up de roots of ig- nunce? Oh, no, dar aim no use ter talk ter me. Good day, sah. Jes wanted CT little infermation.n
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

An anti-prohibition preacher in Alabama closed sermon with these words: "An now, my dyin' hearers, it is only necessary fur me ter say that q fair artickle uv ticker is mighty am will prevail"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

"W'y, thought 1t wuz. Neber did think I gwine ter furgit Cap'n Moore. Pressed hisself on my mine, he did, luther week wen he tOle me dat ef eber I axed him ter let me cut his ha'r ergin he'd hit me. Lowed dat I ruint it de las time I cut it. So dis ain't Cap'n Moore. Ter tell the truf, boss, yo' ha'r do need cuttin."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
THE MARRIAGE.


 marriage party has assembled at the house of the prospective bride.
 Bill Miles Irrespective bridegroom, to friend)-Al, the folks don't pear ter be droppin' in so mighty peart."
 Al-"Oh, they'll be long d'reckly. The Jamison boys an ther women folks flowed that ez on CT 'casion uv this sort am some sperets wuz needed, they'd go over ter the still-house an fetch quart UT two"
 Bill-"Good idee. Old man Blake (prospective father in- law, ain't zack- ly up ter the handle on sich p'ints. Thar ain't nothin' that sets off we'd din' mon good Ticker, an I don't see how man that's got CT putty far ar- tickle uv hoss sense on CT average, ken neglect sich p'ints uv p'liteness."
 Al-"Say, Bill, I have hearn that none uv the folks here wuz hank erin much alter this weddin."
 Bill-''They want, an ter tell the truth, they wouldn'ter greed ter it a tall eff 1 hadn't give it out flat footed that eff anybody popped up an tried ter keep me rum marvin Liza, wy thar'd be CT little shootin' goin' on in the neighborhood."
 Al-"How's the gal?"
 Bill-"Oh, she pears ter he wiIlin' ernuff. Don't pear ter banker airter me, you understan', still I ain't hearn no complaint"
 Al-"I hearn that she wanted Sam Haines, an that her folks wuz willin', but you skeered lem off,"
 Bill-"That mout be. don't keer who's skeered off, you understan', so it ain't me. Wonder comes the Jamison boys with the Ticker. Don't think we'd better wait till alter the we'd dim 'fo' we drink. Drinkin' is allus in season, you know"
 [The Jamison boys enter, bringing a jug. MT. Blake, the prospective father in- law, welcomes them and the glasses are brought out. The circuit rider who is to perform the ceremony, together with the rest, helps himself to the liquor.
 Bill-"Le's all drink hearty, fur ter-morrer we mout die, ez the prophet flowed. Here's to everybody (flling his glass). Liza, ain't you goin' ter take jest little sup ter keep comp'ny with us? Al, dinged eff she ain't ez putty ez CT peach. Make any man CT fine wife, tell you. Wall, eff here ain't Sam Haines. Sam, whut did you come here fur when you know Pve dun cut you out?"
 Sam-"Oh, jest thought I'd come down ter see you step off,"
 Bill-"Good boy. Look at her. Sam (pointing at the girD, ain't she lookin' snipshus? Don't you wush you had won the fight?"
 Sam-"Don't jolt me too much about it, Bill, fur mout not give her up yit."
 'Liza-"I wush you men wouldn't talk thater way"
 Sam-"Thar, Bill, you see she don't like ter be reminded uv her loss"
 Biil-"Whut loss?"
 Sam-"W'y, the loss uv me, uv co'se."
 Bill-"Blame little she's lost, I ken tell you. Say, fellers, let's take a leetle mo- nv the caper juice"
 [They drink again. The girl and Sam exchange affectionate glances.l
 Bill-"Wall, folks, reckon it's about time fur the weddin'. Liza, air you ready?"
 Liza (trembiiBgly)-"Wiii be in a few minits."
 Sam-"Oh, thar ain't no hurry"
 Bill-"No, I reckon not. A man never is in hurry ter see some other feller marry his gal. Let's have a leetle mo- juice anyhow" CThey drink-Bill heavily, but the others touch it light. Sam whispers something to old man Blake, who shakes his head, casts quick glance
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

Shakespeare is the mocking- bird of literature. He takes part of every birds tune, and though he gives no credit, improves the music.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

A Knights of Labor paper says "Jay Gould deserves the penitentiary." Yes, and he would get it, too, if it were left where he could put his hand on it.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18
LIMNINGS.

The Baconian theory is growing with marked rapidity, and it is now thought that MT. Donnelly himself believes in it.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

There is town in Mississippi where the law is enforced in rather peculiar manner. A man who ran blind tiger under the very nostrils of the law, reformed suddenly and announced that he had become an evangelist. The next day he was arrested for preach ing without license.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-18

An agent who was selling a humor- ous book made a speech to crowd of men in Tennessee town.
 "W'y, gentlemen" said he, "this is the funniest book ever printed. Over here at Winchester sold one to lady and she laughed until she died-actu- ally laughed herself to death."
 "Here," said a man, "I want a copy of that book"
 "Yes, sir, you shall have it, judge.
 Shall send it to your officer"
 "No, send it to the house. I want it for my wife,"
 "That boy" said a Missourian, speaking of his son, lis early rose ef thar ever wuz one, an is goin' ter make his mark ez shore ez you live"
 "Whut evidence have you got?" a neighbor replied. q have been a knowin' uv him all his life putty much, an ain't never seed him do nothin' either brash UT promisin'."
 "You hain't :" exclaimed the father. "Wall, eff you hain't, you hain't ob- server, that's all. Lemmo tell you whut's fack. Befo' that boy wuz three year old he crawled behind the trunk, tilted a jug over and drunk flicker jest like man. Whut do you think O that?"
 "Wall, since you show him in that lar light it do sorter pear that he had 'arly insight inter the affairs O man an human natur'"
Dodge City times., 1888-01-12
EFFECT OF THE STRIKE.
Manufacturers Much Concerned as to the
Effect of the Reading Strike-Paupcrs vs..
rib

Manufacturers Much Concerned as to the
Effect of the Reading Strike-Paupcrs vs..
Strikers.
READING, Pa, Jan. Had the strike on
the Reading railroad proved successful and
the traffic been entirely paralyZed, there
could not have been more genuine alarm
throughout the great industrial regions Of
the Schuylkil valley than there is to-day.
The proprictors Of the large furnaces and
iron works iu this section predict that il
the mines are shut down for two weeks,
that the majority of the large establish
ments will be obliged to close, owing to the
lack of a supply of coal. All the industrial
cities and towns in this section, such as
Reading, BirdsEoro, Norristown, Potts
town, Hamburg and smaller places receive
their coal over the Reading railroad, and
with the stoppage of work ut the mines,
trade will be entirely paralyzed. Reports
received to-day show that Of the sixty
eight colieries in the Schuylkill region,
forty of the largest of which are controlled
by the Reading Comp my, but six are at
work. There is movement on foot among
the business men to hold meeting IN this
city and bring such pressure to bear upon
President COrbin as to cause him to con-
sent to an arbitration Of the miners strike,
at least. The strike will not only throw
8,OOO m ners out, but $1,000 iron workers as
well.
PACPERs vs.. STRIKERS.
LANCASTER, Pa, Jan. 4.-The President
Of the Board Of Poor Directors this morn
ing asked the tramps confined in the coun-
ty workhOuse, 40 in all, who were willing
to 60 to Reading to take the strikers places
to sign paper, but only twenty-five com
piled, the rest fearing violence. Those
who have consented will be sent there.
Dodge City times., 1888-01-12
STANFORD'S DENIAL.

He Denies the Allegations That the Cen
tral Pacific Has Not Lived Up to Com
tract.
NEW York, Jan. 3-Senator Stanford, of
California, SAID to-day in an interview !:
ATTACKS upon the Central Pacific people
are simply ebullitions Of politicians and
demagogues. We have been treated most
unfairly. Crocker, Huntington, Hopkins
and myself conceived the idea of building q
railroad over the Sierra Nevadas. If we
could do this, we hoped to secure control of
not only the Nevada Il Utah, but of the
Montana u Idaho road. After survey
had demonstrated that tho idea was practi-
cable, the company was organized in 1851
under the laws OF California, and not by
act OF Congress, as has been asserted.
The Central Pacific diff rs from
tue Union Pacific in that respect.
By accepting the act Of Congress
in 1862 we became contractors with the
Government to build q road from Sacra-
mento eastward, and the Government
loaned us $27, 600, ,0N and bonds, upon COM
pietion of the road from Sacramento to
Ogden. We bound ourselves to return our
obligation partly in cash and partly in
service. The Supreme Court has declared
this to be the contract. We have lived up
to that contract; we have paid cash and
the obligation has several years yet to run.
There has never been any question but that
we have performed every obligation we
owe the Government. If we have realized
500 600,0O out of the road it is nobody's
business, so long as we have faithfully
filled our contract. We constructed the
road at more than double the cost Of the
bonds received from the Government. 1t
is true that not a great deal of capital was
paid in by way of subscription, but the
road was built on stocks and bonds. The
charge that and Crocker, Huntington and
Hopkins, directed that certain bonds be-
longing to the company be destroyed in
order that the committee might not scru-
tinize them, is absolutely false.
Dodge City times., 1888-01-12
OIL EXCITEMENT.
q. Oil Boom That Mas seldon

A Oil Boom That Has Seldom Beoo
Equaled-Advsncei In the Article.
NEW YORK, Jan. 4-There was great ex-
element in the oil market yesterday morn.
ing, and the crowd around the Gil ring was
one Of the largest ever seen there, there
being corner OF the shorts, who tried to
cover with none but other shorts to buy
from. The FIRST sale was made at 9O}<,
which was e above last Saturdays close,
and the advance was accompanied with the
widest excitement, which carried the
prices upto9S before there was reaction.
Then there was u slight pause in the ad
vance and the price fell Is The range Of
prices was the highest for over two years.
Brokers generally ascribed the advance to
the manipulation Of the Standard Oil Com
pany, but one Of the representatives Of that
company said the advance was caused SIM
ply by the success of the shutdown move
ment by the Producers Union and tho
facts that the stock Of oil was being r.
duced 10000 barrels per month. The
Standard Oil Company, he said, was not
responsible for the advance except in its
position as consumer. The sales of oil made
on the way up from y were largely Of short
stuff as the operators in Pittsburgh and the
West were heavily short and there was
X III
The indications OF a corner became more
married, as tho morning passed, but at
noon the market was quiet at 9214, but as
soon as an attempt to cover was made by
some Of the short operators they found no
oil for sale aud the price advanced to 9%
cents in the half hour between twelve and
1890. Some trouble Is expected to result
from the rapid rise. The price advanced
~ cents since Saturdays close.
THE PITTSBURGH BOOM.
PITTSBURGH, Pa, Jan. 4.-The excitement
In oil yesterday has seldom been equaled.
The market opened strong at % cents, and
in twenty minutes advanced to 9S}S cents
A general rush to cover was made by the
shorts, but in this many of them were un-
successful, owing to the scarcity of certisa.
Gates. In the meantime prices continued
to advance, and at one O'clock sales were
reported at 95 cents. Tie news of the ad-
vance created great excitement among
the spectators, and in o short time
after the opening The lobby of the
exchange was crowded with outsiders anx-
ious to close their deals, while about the
ring a scene OF pandemonium prevailed
The shorts were wild and shouted them
selves hoarse in their efforts to secure oil
to cover. The buoyant feeling kept up all
the afternoon, and in this city and Brad
ford, Titusville and Oil City the closing
quotations were within Il fraction Of the
highest points Of the day and were at least
five cents higher than ut the opening, at
which time also the lowest prices were re-
corded.