News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-10-04
TO SWTTF AT.
A MATRIMONIAL club-the broomstick.

| A MATRIMONIAL CluD-tne DrOomStlcks
! A WATERING place-The hydrant.-
Pittsburgh Chronicle.
A MAN may be bad egg, but he's all
right till he gets broke"
TEACHER-What is velocity? Boy
Velocity is what man puts down a hot
plate with.
IT is said of one fashionable young
man that he never paid anything but
compliment.
RICH ladies are supposed to wear
their dresses short. At any rate they
do not wear their dresses long.
ORAToR-And what, my friend, is the
basis of this vile rum traffic? McGinnis,
the bartender-Cash on the bar.-Blu-
dette.
PRAISE q man while he lives if he
deserves it. The good worls in his cpl
taffy come too late.-NelU Orleans
Picay1Ine.
"WHAT is your business?" GA glass
worker" A glassblower, eh?" "N-no;
well, yes, 1 do blow the foam off glass
before l drink it."
OLD LADY stopping open street carr
You don't allow no smoking on this
car, do you? Conductor Certainly,
madam; take one of the back seats.
THINGS even up pretty well after all.
Men throw banana skins on the side
walk, and then the banana skins throw
men on the sidewalk.-LOlCeU Mail.
BRowN-How do you like your new
house? Smith-Well, there are some
Objectionable features aboutit. Brown
What are they? Smith-The land
lords.
He (poeticaD But what is money
! compared with true love? She (prac-
tical)-Ah, now I wonder whether my
dressmaker would accept that senti-
ment?
"SAY, mister" said tramp to an art
ist, gimme a dollar and I'll let you
paint me picture. Ye can put dandy
frame on it and call it "A Summer
Idyl.'"
HE-It is charming on the water to-
day; let us take sail. What sort of
craft would you prefer? She-I think
smack would be just to lovely for any
thing.-DetrOit Free Press.
DIR. WILLIAM A. HAMMOND asserts
that the brain is not an organ absolutely
essential to life. Doubtless the doctor
has just returned from some fashionable
waterinG-place. PHILADELPHIA Bulte-
tin.
HE comes to the table and prays,
"For what we are about to receive,
Lord make us truly grateful, and then
he opens his eyes, and exclaims in dis
gust, Gold mutton again!"
MIR. MIxEMUP (the interviewed
And what strikes you as the most prom
inent feature in American literature?
The Dock of Snarleyow Gust landed)-
please keep off the grass. "-Burdette.
FRIEND Are you happy? Spirit
Through medium -Perfectly so. F.
What has pleased you most since you
left us? S.-The epitaph on my tomb
stone. 1t both amazes and delights me.
Boston Courier.
IRRITATED Frenchman Ito American
who has taken him for waiter)-Sir-r,
you hat gr-r-r-ossly insulted me- There
is my card. My seconds will Wait upon
you, sir-r-r. American-Never mind
your seconds, Frenchy. You can wait
upon me just as we'll. Pass me the
Worcester sauce, and be quick about it.
'AND what answer do you make to
my appeal?" he asked as he knelt at
her feet. James, [ will be frank with
you, she murmered. ooh, speak, he
implored, "and relieve me from this
agony of suspense!" "Then let me say
it cannot be-" "Why mott" Because,
James, I do not feel able to support a
husband. "-BoStO71 Courier.
SAM JONES was speaking in one OF
his sermons about the way men treat
their wives sometimes, and how they
frequently talk to them. eff there is a
man here who has never said an un1ind
word to his wife, [ would like to know
it." said he; Il wish he would stand up"
A man in the rear of the congregation
rose to his feet, III eaf5ezs5o= to tke-fin
yitation. He was a bachelori
REAL ESTATE OwNER-Have you any
children? Applicant for a house-Yes.
r. E. O.-Then you can't have house
of mine. I won't have any children in
any of my houses. A. F. A. Hail
right, sir; I'm satisfied, but perhaps you
will permit me to say that those who
object to children in this world are not
likely to be troubled with them in the
next. r. E. O.-Ah! How do you
make that out? A. T. A. H.-There
are no children in hell.-BoSto7a ColG-
Tier.
SHE was the minister's little girl, but
badly spoiled by over-indulgence. They
were visiting at the house of a parish
Toner one day, and after dinner, inst as
the woman had got cleaned up and
seated herself to comb her hair, Nevelia
wanted piece of pie. "You shall have
it as soon as I finish my hair" said the
housekeeper. when Nevelia wants
anything she wants it right off," sug-
gested the mother. well, then, now
would be good time for her to learn to
wait was the composed reply.