The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-03-28

BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
A Lawyers Courtship-The Euro
pean Situation-Incredu
Mamma-BoDkishness-
A Combine, Etc.
''My GRAND here tonight" said a
young lawyer to damsel on whom he
had called, reminds me of the cry OF an
owl"
"Indeed," said the maiden; "what is
your errand here to-night!'
"Courtship-To wit, to woo.-Ner-
cary.
The European Situation.
Foreign Prem er-'sYour Majesty, the
people are grumbling about the military
taxes"
The King-"What children the people
are! They ought to know that the army
cannot live on less than it does"
r They know that, sire, but they say
the army can be reduced. They want 1t
reduced one. half, if not more"
:Very well. Declare war;"
Incredulous Mamma.
A Young School Girl-''Oh, mamma!
please mayn't I read romances? Lucy
Jones does, and she isn't day older than
am. Ipeepcd into her book the other
day and the first two lines read: And
they were married and lived happily ever
afterward.'
THAT wasn't romance, my
dear; it was fairy tale. e."-Jadge.
! Bookishness.
Lieutenant Boxer-'I'm ordered to
Morocco, Miss Elson. We're likely to
have trouble there, you know"
Miss Elson-"Youm must be careful not
TO get captureo. .,
Lieutenant Boxer-'I'll try not to-"
Miss Elson-'I would. Just think
how ridiculous you'd look bound In
Morocco. ."-IM- Bits.
? A Combine.
Time-leap year. Scene-atete a tete.
Lady Angela -"What, can you tell me,
.re these trusts one reads so much
about lately2"
Adolphus-"A 'trus:' is a combination
for mutual advantage, so to speak"
Angela (confusedly)-"Adolphus-er
that is-Mr.-"
Adolphus-"Yes2' p
Angea-"Why may we not form a
trust Z"
They combine. Tableau.-L0ueH CHi-
zen.
: An Expert Stock Waterer.
Jay Gould-'AEustapha, what is the
price of your camels:'
Mustapha - "Twenty-fve dollars
apiece, your serene richness. 1cou.dn't
lake cent less, bi>m;llah!"
]. G.-"Cheap enough. Ship me
Two to New York by the first vessel.
Figs! Inever in my life saw stock absorb |
water so magnifcently as those camels
ao"-SniagfeM Union.
On the Santa Fe Trail.
HospitabIe Native, producing flask
'1rrigate
Temperate Tenderfoot-"No."
H. N, producing pipe-''Fumigate 2"
T. T.-''No."
H. N, producing Navy plug-"Masti-
cate2'
T. THO"
Disgusted Native, uncoiling mule
whip-"Castigate 2"
Timid Tenderfoot, fying-"Evac-
uate!"
Wrathful Native, pulling iron-"Per-
e!"-Bwdette.
| The Real Calf.
Quaker wit IS not aggressive, but one
who is rash enough to scratch a Quaker
generally finds wag-to his cost.
. An old Quaker went into bookstore,
and an impertinent salesman, wishing to
have some sport at his expense, said to
him, "You are from the country, aren't
you 2" Eyes" quickly answered the
Quaker. "1hcn here's just the thing
for you," responded the clerk, holding
up a book. 'What is it ?' asked the |
Quaker. "It's an essay on the rearing
OF calves" Friend" said the Quaker,
"thee had better present that to thy
er!"-Geol Cheer.
: A Fatal Delay.
! The young man had been trying to
tell her how madly he loved her for over
an hour, but couldn't pluck up the
courage.
Excuse me moment, Mr.. Featherly,"
she said, II think hear ring at the
telephone" And in her queenly way she
swept into an adjoining room.
Presently she returned and then his
mad passion found voice.
>, II am sorry, MIR. Featherly," she said,
.s'to cause you pain, but I am already
engaged. Mr. Sampson, learning that |
you were here, has urged his suit through
the telephone. ."-Epoch.
r Delights in Iniquities.
Mrs. Greenapple WAS exhibiting her
daughters collection of curios, and was
dilating thereupon with maternal pride.
"They are certainly very interesting"
observed Colonel Mooney. ''Some of
them appear to be exceedingly rare"
} 81 should think so," smirked the old