Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1888-02-03
READY-MADE SPEECH
Mark Twain's Recipe For an
Impromptu Address.
Ready for Any Occasion by the
Change of a Few Words.


speakers at the recent celebration OF
Forefathcr's Day In Boston, included the
following in his speech, which was re-
ceivcd rs all his speeches are, quite en-
Enthusiastically:
n man ought always to como pre-
pared to speak whether no il likely to
be called on or not My scheme is this
that lac shall carry in his head spec ch
that will fit any conceivable occasion In
this life. lie could ht it to n dot !
have built speech of that kind, and !
brought 1t along to exhibit il here rs a
sample OF what can DO done. Suppose
man t.,st has got speech OF this
kind Is called upon TO deliver iune raj
Grafton, or talk at a granger gathc ring,
or wedding breakfast or theological
disturbance, or a political blowout, or
anywhere you choose to mention. All
that he has got TO do is to change three
or four words in that speech, and make
his delivery chippcr or solemn, or just
what the occasion calls for, and turu
himself loose, aud thea he is all right
will illustrate. Bat l will deliver
eight or niue lines, just enough for you
TO see the possibilities that lie In that
speech. Now for the speech TO the
granger. lilo gets up with some hcsi
fancy and repetition, so a TO give the
speech right impromptu air Ifho has
delivered 1t lot OF times, he can ven
turo outside and mako some imprompiu
remarks II there is distinguished
man present, he can speak Of his talcnt
or his clothes. Such a thing as this
gives il a sort Of ncwncss. lie then
wants 10 leave his audience 10 wonder
at his readiness. just as they wero get
ting ready to pity him. Ho wants to
fire tho farmer with his words from hi.
mansard down TO his cellar. Thcn he
goes on:
am called up sudden and am, indeed. not
prepared TO make a speech. | was not OK.
p citing 20 be called up sir, but | will, with.
what effect may, add my shout 10 tho ju-
bilation-to this spirited star occasion. Ag-
riculture, sir, Is, after oil, the palladium OF
our American libertieL BY It Wa may be
said TO live and move nnd have our being
AL that We have, all that we are, all that
we hope 10 be-, Is, mu.t be, and
must continue 10 b., providcntially,
by tho mighty industry OF man
through this glorious agriculture While we
have life, while We have souls, and In those
souls sweet and holy sentimcnts, agriculture
will be that boon by which We thrive and
aspire, and with II IS born far reaching graee
and duty and purity aud Ioveiinesa But the
least Of us know, but the least Of Us feel, that
wo are as--but the time is late end will not
~
Suppose II Is not granger gathering,
but a wedding breakfast That speech
has got to be delivered Ia an airy and
gay fashion But IL must terminate
grayely. lie says;
"I arm called up suddenly, sir, and am, In
deed, not prepared 10 make spcecb. was
not expecting 10 b. called up, 5ut I will, with
what effect may, add my shout 20 this spir,
tied star OCCASION Matrimony Il. after ali
tho palladium Of our domestic liberties. BY
u We may be said 70 live, 20 movc and 20 ac.
guire our delta. All that We have been, all
that we are. all that We hope 70 be. Is. must
be- and must continue 10 be, providentialIy
moved by that great and glorious mat
rimony. While We have life, while we
havo souls, let B with generous accord at
tune oar souls % songs Of praise for that
most precious boon whereby We numerically
thrive, whereby our otherwise worldly exlt-
snco Is made grand, and we aspire % EN-.
brace grace and duty and purity ami lowell
ness. But tie least Of as know, the least of
ns feel. and doubtless many of us will con
fsss--but the hour Il late, and ! viii NOT
But suppose the occasion---I just wan.
10 show you that Il will cover the whole
ground suppose this occasion Is an Ia
quest AZ the funeral of person you
want to be a. melancholy a. you can, but
10 the case Of an inquest you simply
want 20 be impressive and awful Say
Ills Inquest was on second cousin,
a awealiby second cou 80, who has re-
mem cred you IN his wiil Porhaps ne
has lcft you o horse or pair q horses
not the finest Morgan stock, but hor,es
that can 60 10 three minutes lie ha
second cousin an1 he hts lost his nfo
trying % savo somebody from
drowning. Say Il f. a mind
cure physician 30 WAS trying 10 save
from drowning lul didn't succeed. but
she did not want him 10 succeed on the
old plan. lie would have to have q
great deal of experience and q dlploms
or be could not save anybody from
drowning with the miad cure I just
want 20 make this explanation to show
you that the speech is sil claim Tor it.
Why, his reputation would 20 every
where iIo could 90 20 any iatellectusl
gathering in tho Uaitsd States. Boston
lncluded lIaughteri. and he would
draw like prizs aght This maa gets
up with graded emotion and he says
~ am called up suddenly. sir. AMI am ~
deed not prepared b speak .sss not e.
psctins b BE- called up but all eith Whist
effect J may. add my voice b the lasronta
tlons % thls spiritc crushing occasion. Death.
deaih, SIR Is after ail the paliadinm of oar