The morning news., 1888-08-10
BRIGHT BITS.

STRANGER-You don't look happy, friend.
Met with some heavy loss?
No, sir. have just retired from business to
enjoy life. Time.
WE edit the paper this week lying in bed; but
careful perusal of it will disclose the fact that
a man can lie in bed as well as he can out of it.
-SmithUitte NetcS.
WAITER-Have soup to-day, sir?
De Professionalism you mad? Just bring
me pitcher of lemonade and a fan; and, say
just put my coat on ice while wait, will your
Puck.
SOME people go away from home in the sum-
mer for health, and some for peasure-the
pleasure of telling their friends next winter
how miserable the grub was.-Mont0ontery I'D
uertiser
Mr.. CAUDLE-Doctor, want you to put up
powerful sedative for my wife; give me the
best specific for insomnia you know of.
Doctor-What's the matter Can't she sleep?
Mr.. Caudle-Yes, guess so; but | can't
Burdette
GENTLEMAN-How is your wife coming on,
Uncle RastuS
Uncle Rastus with a sigh)-De ole 'ooman,
sab, am jes de same: she haint no bettah, an
she haint no wuss Ise gittin discouraged,
Mistah Sniff, deed is.-Epoch.
''ONLY THINK, Agnes, remarked Mrs. Elderly,
1T is just thirty years % ago today since pa and
married so youngl Had you waited few years
should not be so old as anu, and there might
still be chance for me- "-GrdDhic.
WEST END SOCIETY OF LoNDoN-Lord Peri
winkle-May I-aw-have the pleasure of roping
you in for the next, Lady Somebody
Lady Somebody-Oh, thanks awfully, Lord
Periwinkle but have already been corralled
by Mr.. Deadwood of Dahota.-Hdrpers' BGzdr.
In common conversation, Jay Gould has the
rural habit of droppn his final g's in parti-
ciples But he always keeps his is Open takes
his e's, minds his ps and as, watches the r. RS
pays what he thinks he os, pockets the VS. and
KS, and is pretty sure to W up in the long run
Wall Street NeUs.
MoTHER Ito meddlesome cnid)- Edwin, il you
don't stop putting your fingers in that oxalic
acid, the first thing you know you will be on
your way to heaven
Elder Sister (solemnly)-Yes and if you do
go, just think you would never see your dear
mother again !-HdrperS' Bazaar.
LOUISIANA POSTMASTER (who is assisted in his
duties by his young bridel-tWhy, Mary, what
are all these postal cards doing here? They
should have gone in the last MALL" Young
bride (who was q Massachusetts schoolmistress)
-"Oh, have just put them aside until should
have time to correct the spellingN'-P1ck
First PHILADELPHIA MIssIoNARy-Yes. l be-
lieve religion far more effective than law and |
am laboring night and day among the anarch-
lists. Three of them joined the Episcopal church
last week Why do you not do the same?'
Second missionary use When they see
me coming they run. I'm Baptist t-PhiIddeI-
phia Record.
''GEoRGE, she said as the hammock sagged
little his way and neighboring hand organ
struck up familiar tune, George, darling
why was it the letter never camer"
II don't know precious" said George, as his
arm disappearedin in the cleaning, unless it was
because Gallagher wouldn't let 'er go. "-Minne-
dpoliS Tribune.
But I don't understand about this phono-
graph. How is it doneY What is it like?"
why, 1t is simply talking to a machine
instead Of to ears Of flesh and blood"
Talking to a machinel"
''Yes, talking to machine: not precisely as
I'm doing now, but very much the same."-
Boston Transcript.
SWEET GIRL GRADUATE Visiting country rela-
| tives)-Why, Uncle Thomas, what's the matterY
You are looking awfuliy cut up about some
thing.
Uncle Thomas-Wal, my dear, there be some
thing serious happened My best COW died an
hour ago.
S. G. G.-Oh, the poor fellow
Uncle I. (tickled, despite his misfortune)-It
wasn't thet sort of a cow
s. g. G.-I don't care what sort of q COW he
was, it's pity you lost him.-Jttd9e.