The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1888-08-18
HUMOROUS pRIFTWooD.

GiOSlnR quOtaClOn- onut Gp
Light weight-A pound OF candles
A well-knoWn composer-Landanum
The spring-ti1ne OF iife-~Our dancing
days.
A cook can change his pots, buta leOp
ard cannot.
Quite a rushing business--The foot.
ball players.
! A polished delivery--Cuffs and col
lars from the laundry.
There is a great deal left to chants in
! Che church cboirs.
When is q carpet not carpet e
When it becomes Il rooa.
Failure in the yarn trade Writing
| unsuccessful novels.
When q lady is sewing she is in real
ity not what she seams.
One who takes awful pains-Ihe
man who catches rheumatic fevers.
Why is coffee like aa axe with a dull
edge ?---Because it requires grinding.
MY first purchase is my last" said
cobbier, who Was just starting in busi-
ness.
With regard to chatting over the
front gate, good Deal can be said on
both sides.
Amy: II like Charley: his kisses are
50 nice!' Belle, with enthusiasm:
aren't theyt'
1t is claimed that bee stings are a
CUES for rheumatism. But what is
good for bee stings?
s>Pride goeth before fall" says the
inspired wntef, but it goes a good deal
quicker after one.
1t you want 10 be well-informed take
q paper. Even q paper Of pins will
give you son1e good points.
An Atlanta man eats dynamite. His
uejghoors treat hin very respectfully,
No enc ever threatens to kick him.
Wife: What! kissing the cook ?"
Husband; Can't help it, my dear.
That omelat this morning was simply
perfection
There are lots Of people VINO mix
their religion with business, but forget
to stir it up well. The business invari-
bly, rises to the top as result.
There are sone fond, foolish. trust
ing nen who will read over {. recipe for
mince PIE and then ttbink they really
know what it is made OF.
Customer: s'This is what / call tad
pole soda" Clerk; "What dc you
mean by that, sir p Customer: ''sim~
ply that it has more head than body"
A boy naay groan, and from sickness
moan, fron the church Or the school to
stay; but there's no pain SO deep from
circus can keep, because he amt built
that way.
Mother: 'sAre you sure, my dear,
that the ladies eabin is on this side of
the boat 2" Daughter: Why, OF
course, mamma. Don't you see that it
is crowded with men p
Surprised dame: "WhatI AND you
have refused Mr.. De Goode T. thought
you liked him ?" Lovely daughter: I
did, but none Of the other girls seemed
to care snap tor him.
sit is love that makes tho world go
round,' we are informed by the poets.
1t is a somewhat notable fact that a
very limited quantity Of poor whiskey
will produce the same effect.
Terribly broken, land are you real
ly broke, my friend ?'' he said, as he
rendered the tramp penny. "Broke!'
was the bitter response. ''I'm as badly
broken as the ten commandments.
"The doctor said he'd put me on my
feet again in two weeks" "Well,
did't he do it2" s'He did, indeed. I'm
on my feet all the time. I had to sell
my horse and buggy to pay his bill.
"'Onward and upward will be the
maxim of the new paper" said the edi-
tor proudly. And it proved happy
maxim, too. For three short months
the paper went onward. and then it
went upward.
1t is said to be a rule of nature that
every winged insect shall die within a
year. this is consoling to certain
extent, but it would be better ar
rangement if this years mosquitoes
would die last year.
~