davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
The Crow Set Up a Bar.

Recently in Monroe county, Miss,
the crows had made themselves OBJ
noxious by their persistent invasion
of the corn fields. A man who had
been hired to watch particularly
promising field hit upon the plan Of
soaking some corn in whisky and
placing it in the field, so that the
crows would eat it and get drunk, and
thus enable him to kill them.
After soaking some corn over night
he put good supply in the field the
next morning, and In two or three
hours went out to sec how things wen,
on.
Now, gentlemen, mark the result.
One of the crows, little larger than
the rest, had taken possession of near
ly all the corn, had built himself a
bar out Of some clods Of earth, and
was retailing the whisky soaked corn
to the other crows charging them
three grains Of sprouted for one of the
soaked grain. "The man." ccnclud-
ed Allen, Thought the whole proceed.
ing so human that he killed not a
crow, but came back to the house and
took nip himself."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
The Bullgine was the Biggest

We had been over to an alligator
hole in Mississippi and were on our
way back to town, when we came out
on ridge from which we could see a
good bit of country around us. Half
mile away the great Jackson rail-
road crossed highway, and we could
see the railroad track for three or
four miles and the highway for mile
or more. The only thing moving was
mule attached to cart. The cart
was piled high with cornstalks, and
on top of them lay an old darkey
sound asleep.
The mule had his own way as to
gait, and he stopped to rest every few
hundred feet. We were laughing at
the picture presented, when we saw
smoke way down the railroad and
knew that train was approaching.
1t was only natural that we should
figure on how near the train and the
mule would come in collision. Every
one had made his guess when the mule
reached the crossing aud stopped with
the cart across the tracks. The ex-
press was then only about eight rods
off and coming like CREASED lightning
"Toot toot toot ~ went the whis-
tie, but the mule stood with head and
ears down. We could hear the bell
changing, but it was no use. With a
rush the locomotive lifted cart and
mule high in the air and flung them
to one side. We hastened down to
the spot to find the mule dead, the
cart smashed to pieces, and the negro
just crawling out of some bushes fully
seventy feet from the rails.
"Well, boy, are you hurtf' asked
the colonel.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

First city Deacon-Mr. Sexton
pitched into the theaters in great
shape at the prayer meeting last night
He declared them to be the devil:
prime lever in toppling souls over in
to Tophet. But of course you were
there.
Second Deacon-No fact is | had
little whist party at my house last
night. l forgot until it was all over
that it was prayer meeting night
funny, wasn't it But were there
many there
don't know; | didn't ask.
Then you weren't there, eitherf
No, but my wife was. had to 20
to the theater that night to see The
Tinted Venus Some friends from the
country, you know, that | felt obliged
to entertain, though sorely against
my principles, sir-sorely against my
principles. Towering his voice..
But between you aud me Jones, if
you want to see something that will
please you, just go and see that show,
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

mot in my pusson, sah," replied
the old man, as he stood very straight
before us, "but Pze been dreadfully
hurted in my mind. 1t hain't the
proper way to wake pusson up. sab
no, sah-an' it amt usin' me like
a gentlema', sah--no, sah-an' de idea
of KILN dat ar mewl jist to show dat
de bullgine was de biggest, wasn't
like no Christian, sah-no, sah-and
I'll nebber say il was l"-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

ave use no oleomargarine here y
was the alluring sign displayed in
front of u restaurant that attracted a
hungry traveller. But there was no
mistaking the fictitious nature Of the
butter placed before him, and he an
grily addressed the proprietor:
81 thought you said you used no
oleomargarine p
"Neither do" placidly replied the
restaurater.
What's that, then "
"Oleomargarine."
Then you acknowledge that you
do use it?
mo, cir, | don't. give it to my
customers to use. ."--Ex
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

"Rose Kactus," exclaimed the
gloomy lover, "since you won't marry
me I've nothing to live for. I'm go
ing shoot myself"
"Let me see your pistol, Mr.. Lari-
at"
He reluctantly showed it to her.
"Shoot yourself with ~ calibcr
popp said the beautiful Arizona
maiden contemptuously, as she look
ed at the weapon. "If you do, and
it hurts any, come to me and l will
give you piece of court plaster. =
Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
How Alfred was Tided Over.

"Have you ever experienced the
feeling, Mr.. McPelican," said the
young lady softly, "that some great
opportunity was within your grasp,
but you had hardly the presence of
mind, the-the courage, as it were to
avail yourself of it"
"Why-er-yes, Miss Quickstep, l
have sometimes had kind of feeling
as if I'd been sort of sent for and
couldn't 60, you know"
The door opened and Miss Aman-
da's elderly female relative looked in.
"The book you are looking for,
auntie," said the young lady, with en-
tire selfpossession, and with some
emphasis, "is probably in the library
The elderly female relative with
drew and Miss Amanda spoke again
in the persuasive voice of trained
applicant for charity.
"She will not disturb us again, Mr..
Mcclellan"
"She-she wasn't disturbing me
any" he protested.
And he sat and looked helplessly
at the glowing Goals in the CRATE, with
the feeling that every breath he drew
was mortifying and ghastly blunder.
Gas you were about to say, Mr.. Nc
Pelican" resumed the young lady,
"there are times when it seems to all
of us that we must speak what is in
our h in our minds"
"Yes," vaguely answered the be-
wildered youth, and he tried to re-
member when he started TO say any
thing of that kind Eyes, of course"
"And while / am not sure that /
ought to listen to you, Mr.. Mcclellan"
she said with downcast eyes, "when
you speak to me in this-in this per-
sonal manner, yet"
The young man could feel his pulse
beating tattoo OH the drums of his
ears, but he sat like bound boy at a
corn-husking and said nothing.
"By the way" exclaimed Miss
Amanda, presently, 81 have new
book of engravings, Mr.. Mcclellan,
that / am sure you will enjoy seeing.
1t is a large book, and you'll have to
move your chair-why, certainly you
can sit here with me on the sofa. /
meyer thought of that J"
Isn't this engraving of the Court
ship of Florence Dombey and Walter
Gay perfectly lovelyf
"Wh-which is Waltz" he gasped.
"You will have to come closer, Mr..
Mcclellan. / declare, though" and
she looked archly at the trembling
youth, 81 am almost afraid to let you
come any nearer. You look exactly
like Walter in the picture"
And then the arm of that helpless
young man stole in a timid, apologet-
ic, sneaking way around the waist of
the charming Amanda Quickstep,
her head sunk on his shoulder, and
the book of engravings fell neglected
to the floor.
Alfred" she said, an hour later.
as she toyed with a button of his coat,
"you bold boy How on earth did
you ever muster up courage to ask me
to be your wife? You know well
enough l never gave you particle of
encouragement"
The young man patted her conde-
sendingly on the head and then spoke
proudly, with the voice of an Ajax
defying the lightning:
"When / make up ms mind to do
Amanda, no obstacle on
earth can stop me-"
Innocent young Mr.. Mcclellan i
Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
Dobbins' Electric Soap.
o. l.. MATHEWS
T.. =. PENSION ATTORNEY,
LANSING, MICHIGAN.

Thousands OF soldiers or their widows OF depend
ent relatives entitled 10 pensoi OF increase OF
pension, bounty, travel pay or other allowance
can get pensions, regardless Of age now. Hundreds
Of dependent parents are entitled TO pension.
Many Of those claims have been rejected in the
hands OF incompetent agents. / can in many OF
such claims procure favorable result. Thousands
Of soldiers pensioned on disability and are
entitled 10 increase on another, OF are rated too
low, are entitled 10 increase result Of disable
ity upon which claim wis granted. The laws are
now more liberal and tho rulings of the@pension
Office less exacting than formerly. ! have In the
OF increase claims allowed by actual count. This
shows good, careful work. About eight soldiers
out Of ten entitled TO pension or other allow
anoe. No matter what your claim is, write me full
ly about t. with stamp for reply, and will advise
you free. II take your claim no fee is charged
unless am successful, and then just what the de-
o. l.. MATTHEWS,
500 Lansing, Mich
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

10 THE EpIToR-Please inform your
readers that have positive remedy for
the above named disease. BY It's timely
use thousands Of hopeless cases have been
cured. shall be glad to send
two bottles Of my remedy free to any OF
your readers who have consumption II
they will send me their express and post
Office address. Respectfully, 7. A SLO.
CUM, NJ. c., 1871 Pearl ST., New York.
699y1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

The relative difference in magnitude
between the west and east is shown by
the fact that the western man raises
corn by the acre. while the eastern
man, as rule, raises them by the
foot.-Harper's Bazaar.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

"You have heard cat purr, / sup
pose" asked the Judge.
EYES," said the Major.
"But outside of poetry, you never
heard Cowper.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
Advertising Rates.

oasinesS Cards, one year. one dollar per linz.
Lscd notices, among local reading matter. tan
ents per lin4 for each insertion.
business notices, ve cents per line each insertion
Births, Marriages and Deaths free.
Obituaries Resolutions, Cards Of Thanks. sto
Of sdVcrtisins rates,
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Smith (to milkman)-I'll have to
ask you to chalk it up'
Milkman (abstractedly)-Oh, that
has already been attended to-oh-er
beg your pardon certainly, take
your own time.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

The young clerk who goes about
full ieweled should be watched. .-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Talk is cheap, but not the affecti M
ate talk of a pretty girl, that is dear.
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Mr.. Muttonhedde to his valet
You miserable wretch You are
picked up in the street, dead drunk
every night.
Valet-Oh, that dosen't matter,
much, sir. always carry one of
your visiting cards in my pocket
Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

A misfortune much sought by
young men-a young heiress.-Free
Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
Time Card ia Effect

sDaiiy. All other trains daily except Sunday
Parlor ears on day trains. Sleeping cars on night
trains.
WHITING. Ticket Agent
d. w RUGGI,Es q. p. a T. Agt.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Don't laugh at the man who slips
on your sidewalk, Bobby. His fall
only makes the snow harder for you tc
scrape off.-Puck.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

The owner of the big raft will
henceforth be known as the great he
rafter.-Boston Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

A cornet player who can not attend
the band meetings should send subs
to-toot.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
WIT AND HUMOR

Comfortable quarters-twenty-five
cent pieces.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26
DR.. L. 4. GIUVREAU.

Graduate Of Laval University, Quebec, Canada.
Office and residence over Monaghan's drug store.
Hours OF consultation from 10 10 A. NJ, TO 3 p.
II. and to eP.M. S64
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Surgecn-Now, my man, l am
about to amputate your foot.
"Well, go ahead.
would advise you to submit to be.
ing placed under the influence of an
anmsthetic.
Hang your aDesthetic! But I'll
tell you what wish you would do.
Well?
Have somebody bring me the score
of the ball game by innings while
you re at rk.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26


During the sermon one of the
quartet fell asleep.
"Now's your chants" said the or
ganist to the soprano, "See if you
canticle the tenor"
You wouldn't dare duet" said the
contralto.
You'll wake hymn up" said the
basso.
IL could make better pun than
that, as sure as my names Psalm.
remarked the boy that pumped the
organ but he said it so low that no
one quartet.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Mr.. Henpeck Ga very small NAM
What shall get upon that chair for,
Mirandy?
Mrs. Henpeck very large and mas
culine)-Get up on that chair, you
insignificant little whiffet, so / can
box your ears without having to stoop
over. Get up on that chair Do
you hear Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

NOANae e"c'O 1e"'eSS e"SheJ nv
cent pieces.-Ex.
Talk is cheap, but not the affecti m
ate talk of pretty girl, that is dear
-Ex.
A misfortune much sought b!
young men-a young heiress.-Fre'
Press.
A cornet player who can not attenc
the band meetings should send subs
to-toot.-Life.
The owner of the big raft vii
henceforth be known as the great he
rafter.-Boston Herald.
Don't laugh at the man who slip
on your sidewalk, Bobby. His fal
only makes the snow harder for you t.
scrape off.-Puck.
"You have heard cat purr, | sup
pose?" asked the Judge.
eyes," said the Major.
"But outside of poetry. you never
heard a Cowper. ."-Ex.
The relative difference in magnitude
between the west and east is shown by
the fact that the western man raises
corn by the acre. while the eastern
man, as a rule, raises them by the
foot.-Harper's Bazaar.
Smith (to milkman )-I'll have tC
ask you to chalk it up!
Milkman (abstractedly)-Oh, thai
has already been attended to-oh-el
beg your pardon certainly, take
your own time.-Life.
Mr.. Muttonhedde to his valet
You miserable wretch You are
picked up in the street, dead drunk
every night.
Valet-Oh, that dosen't matter
much, sir. / always carry one OF
your visiting cards in my pocket
Ex.
Miss Floy Trappe (whose mouth is
undeniably large)-Nellie, Will Dew
said last night that my mouth had a
sweet expression. Do you suppose he
meant that for sarcasm?
Miss Prunella Prism-I am afraid
SO, dear, with an accent on the chasm.
Puck.
He had paid one ouce. First Syra-
cuse citizen-Ever seen Buffalo Bill,
jim?
Second Syracuse citizen-Ever seen
a Buffalo bill =? l should say had
l stayed week at hotel there once,
and the bill nearly paralyzed me-
brakes Magazine.
"How's beef to-day, Sparrib p in
luired Upson Downs, airily. High,
sh ?"
"If you want it on credit, Mr..
Downs" replied the butcher sternly,
it's OH n hook about eleven feet up
he wall. But it'll come down for
cash if whistle. Puck.
They would never know the differ
'nce. Freshly (rising to COL am
'orry to break up your hand at whist,
Miss Rosalie, but really / cant stay
my later.
Miss Rosalie-Oh, never mind, Mr..
Freshly, I'm sure we shall get on with
. dummy just as well.-Boston Post.
Mr.. Henpeck Ga very small man ,
What shall l get upon that chair for,
Mrs. Henpeck (very large and mas
,uline)-Get up on that chair, you
Insignificant little whiffet, so l can
,ox your ears without having to stoop
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

They would never know the differ
ence. Freshly (rising to go)-I am
sorry to break up your hand at whist,
Miss Rosalie, but really can't stay
any later.
Miss Rosalie-Oh, never mind, Mr..
Freshly, I'm sure we shall get on with
a dummy just as well.-Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-12-26

Miss Floy Trappe (whose mouth is
undeniably large)-Nellie, Will Dew
said last night that my mouth had a
sweet expression. Do you suppose he
meant that for sarcasm?
Miss Prunella Prism-I am afraid
SO, dear, with an accent on the chasm.
Puck.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07

GERGE W1NsH1P has given notice that
he will contest the seat of Hon. George
Walsh, elected to the council by twenty
two majority in the Grand Forks dis
trict. Both gentlemen are good republi-
cans, and this contest is most unfortu-
nate affair. Even at this early day the
name of Hon. George II. Walsh has been
mentioned in connection with the presi-
dency of the council mentioned be-
cause of that gentleman's experience in
legislative affairs and his peculiar fitness
for the position. Mr.. Walsh was men,
Der of the Dakota legislature four con-
secutlve terms-from 1879 to 1885-and
was president of the council in 1879 and
again in 1881. Tt is really unfortunate
that Grand Forks republicans should
initiate the tactics of Cass county, which
for years has been so divided against
itself-particularly in political conven-
tlons-that it has failed to WELD the
power that her population, wealth and
deserve.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07

SOME OF the South Dakota papers seem
to be just finding out that among the
provisions of the Platt bill providing for
the admission of South Dakota under the
Sioux Falls constitution, is one necessi-
tating the resubmission of the constitu.
ton as amended by the senate, to the
people of the proposed state; and as the
Platt bill, which is now in the house, pro-
vides for resubmission August %, 1888,
and that time has passed-it will be seen
that it will have to go back to the senate
again to be amended. This being the
case, why would it not be good idea for
the people of South Dakota to get to-
getLer again and decide wherein they de-
sire to still further amend the constitu-
tion and have the senate committee re-
port the bill-as amended, to satisfy the
people of South Dakota? 1t may be that
amendments, other than those already
made by the senate, will not be desired.
In either event such programme would
save time.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07

HERE is another good showing for
Dakota. In his report Secretary Villas
says that title has been passed during
the year on 8,605, 1929 acres, and that
of the lands patented 8sS,O19.57 acres
were in Minnesota, 1863, 1850 in Da.
kota, 1880 in Iowa, 1O7,377.5s in Mon.
tana, GAS, 9,551.92 in Wisconsin. OF the
agricultural patents 1882 were in Mime.
sofa, A in Iowa, 665 in Montana, 672 in
Wisconsin. The total number of agri.
cultural patents was 47,18O. There were
96,515.19 acres patented under the swamp
land grant, of which 65,53O.58 acres were
in Minnesota, 80 in Iowa and 4,276.46 in
Wisconsin. Thus it will be seen the
number of acres on which patent was
issued in Dakota is more than three
times that of Minnesota, four times as
great as Wisconsin, three hundred times
greater than Iowa, and makes the figures
of all other states and territories pale
into insignifcance. This is not bad fol
year that has been considered remark
ably quiet in Dakota.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07

The Sioux Falls Argus-Leader is in
clined to find fault with the Sioux Falls
constitution because of the representa-
tion in the state legislature. It says it
was intended to be fair, but according to
the 1885 census proves to have been but
a wild guess. It then publishes table
showing the population Of the counties
and the number of representatives ap-
portioned to each. To illustrate the al
legged unfairness of the apportionment
the Argus-Leader says:
Dawson and Butte counties each are
given one representative, while Dawson
has nearly six times the population of
Butte. Beadle county gets five representa-
tives, while Brown county, with 1000 more
population, gets four, and Minnehaha,
with about {, 800 more, also has four. on
the other hand, Sphinx county, with about
$500 less than Mfnnehaha, gets five.
4 The Argus-Leader has overlooked an
important item in it's calculations the
senatorial representation. One senator
is usually conside Tered equivalent to three
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07

members of the lower house: Thus
Butte is given one representative--the
same as Davison-but Dawson is given,
in addition, senator. Beadle gets five
representatives and one senator, while
Brown gets four representatives and two
senator's AND the same is true of Min
nehaha. Sphinx county gets five men,
bers of the lower house and only one
senator. There doesn't appear to be
anything unfair in the apportionment-
it is the Argus Leader that is unfair in
not explaining why the apportionment of
the lower house varies so much in the
different couties. It may have been an
oversight.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07
THE WEEKLY TR1BUN

the week, both foreign and local; published every
Friday, sent postage paid to any address, for one
yeas s2i six months, tbs q; three months. Is ceats.
perfect encyclopedia of Dakota sffairs Its circu-
lston is large both in heterrtory and the states
The DAILY TRIBUNE, like the weekly edition,
containing the full associated press dispatches e
adeeireble q advertising medium through winch to
reach all northwestern towns and military posts
remote from railroad lines.
The DAILY TRIBUNE will be found on file at
the Grand Pacific hotel, and Lord & Thomas, ad-
vertising agents, Chicago. and at reading rooms
and news depots throughout the country.
The general eastern advertising agent of the
TRIBuNE is A. F. Richardson, Room IS, Tribune
Building, New York. All advertisements for the
TRIBUNE from points east of Illinois should be
sent to him.
Bismarck weekly tribune., 1888-12-07
DAKOrA's OFFICIAL VOTE,

The TRIBUNE presents again this week
from the advance sheets of Longs Legis-
tative Hand Book of Dakota-the official
vote of the territory for delegate to con-
gress, not only for the present year, but
for 1878, 1880, 1882, 1884 and 1886-show-
ing at a glance the vote for ten years.
This is the first table of the kind ever
compiled and is only one of many of
equal value which the forthcoming Hand
Book will contain. It will be seen that
Mathews plurality over Harden in North
Dakota is $500 and in South Dakota 49,
86O-total plurality in the territory. 49,
1863. The vote in North Dakota was as
follows: Mathews, republican, 25,31O;
Harden, democrat, 1891; Bierly, inde-
pendent democrat, 1,723; Cranmer, pro-
hibitionist, 421. South Dakota: Math-
ews, 44,905; Harden, 25,O45; Bierly, 80;
Cranmer, 1876. Total vote of territory,
114,13O, gain of 9,318 over 1886. The
republican gain over 1886 is 1,752 in
North Dakota and 1,531 in South Dakota.
The democratic gain in North Dakota is
only 295, while in South Dakota it is
1861. There is but little consolation in
these figures to democrats who have
cherished and nursed the hope and belief
that, if divided, North Dakota could be
swung into the democratic column. In
1878 the total vote of the territory was
but 1858, showing the remarkable in
crease of over COS per cent in ten
years. No other state or territory can
show such development. Taking into
consideration several thousand en-
ployes at military posts and on Indian
reservations and in counties unorganized,
and using the usual multiple, the vote of
1888 shows that the territory has over
100000 people, or, in round numbers,
10000 in South Dakota and 100000 in
North Dakota. The 1890 census, on
which the new congressional apportion-
ment will be based, will doubtless show
North Dakota entitled to two repre-
sentatives and South Dakota entitled to
three-the two states adding nine electors
to the republican column in the electoral
college. Great is Dakota. Great will be
the two Dakotas.