Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1888-03-07
TALE OF TWO FRAUDS.
The Confessions of Repentant
Ex-Clairvoyant.

The Confessions or q Repentant
Ex-Clairvoyant.
ined In Rochester = Disgust Of
Druggist-Wratho of Disappoint-
cd but Vigorous Widow.
"When was younger" said q Lake
street leather man to q Chicago HerdId
reporter, 81 was obliged {, resort to
clairvoyance to tide me over the most
poverty-stricken period of my life. was
living in Syracuse and had exactly twen-
ty silver dollars. / decided to go TO
Rochester and open an Office there as q
clairvoyant physician. Arrived at
Rochester soon realized the necessity of
a fellow -conspirator in the person of an
obliging druggist. There was a pill shop
right under my Office, and the intelligent
toxicoiogist who ran it had been in the
business long enough to have his con-
science well under control, so / grasped
his itching palm in mine and proceeded
to unfold my scheme. He was willing to
be led into temptation ON the basis of q
simple "divvy."
'sWe don't want to poison any. body"
said /. $50 you will put up nothing but
water. Color it to suit the complexion of
the patient and charge to suit his bank
account"
Business began we'll. The clairvoyant
craze was new fad at the time, but viii
pass the minor details aud come at once
to the Widow Blivens. When the late
Mr.. Blivens escaped from her to paradise
he was obliged to leave about $50 600 be-
hind him, and, though it was all he had,
the relief must have been worth the
money. This poor lone woman stood
about six feet in her fiat .bottomed shoes,
and she was beamy and square-rigged
throughout. She settled into my Office
chair with a resonant sigh, and, laying
one powerful arm on my desk, said: "pvs
been an invalid for many years." In q
voice that made the chandelier rattle.
MY dear madam" said 1, s'your fine
appearance might deceive the ordinary
eye, butte us who read what is within,
your malady is clear" Nevertheless, I
yearned for few points on her system
before making out diagram of her In
terror.
DOUBTLESS you have pains there" I
continued, standing about ten feet away
from her and pointing with finger that
wavered gently over her vast anatomy.
"You have hit il exactly" said she,
laying her hand upon the region of her
stomach. This was enough. / had
located her trouble within a radius Of
not more than three feet and was ready
to proceed with the trance. Seating N.Y.
self in a chair opposite her, ran my
hands wildly through my hair, rolled my
eyes upward, threw my left thumb out Of
joint with a loud snap, and emitted q
hollow groan. Then, bending across the
table, tapped her ample chest and said:
81 see your left lung"
She appeared to regard this state.
ment as approaching an impropriety and
for moment feared personal violence,
but with only an instants pause I pro.
ceeded:
''There is a bunch on 1t the size of a
hens egg. Every time you breathe n
strikes your heart with a sickening thud.
1t has already raised a large blister on
your left ventricle, and if something isn't
done In a short time it will knock a hole
in your laryngial epithalmium and can
not answer for the result"
'Great HeavensW she cried, "am 1 as
bad as that?" and she really looked
thoroughly scared.
Then wrote out the usual form, came
out of my trance, and changed her five
dollars. She settled with a Difference
that approached to reverence. For several
weeks thereafter she was one of my best
patients, and business doomed. But there
was cloud in the sky. One day Bogus,
the druggist, called, aud from his manner
knew something was up.
"What are you up to with her. any
way" said he. 'Didn't you know that
Pve been shining up to her for the last
five years. don't want you to cut me
out Of that $4,000. Do you catch the
idea?"
'My dear sir" said I, "do you think
that 500, 900 or $50, 000, 900 would induce me
to marry that ancient giantess. / don't
feel safe in the same office with her. She's
bowling cyclone, and though long for
domesticity, don't want a perpetual
earthquake by my fireside,"
'That's just the point of it," said he:
before you came was doctoring her nv.
self-letting her pick out patent medicine
by the color of the wrappers on the bot.
ties, and in a general way preparing NV
self for an early bereavement after I'd
got my grip on the Doodle, but now Won
come along and feed her on water, and.
by thunder, she'll live to be a hundred.
Even if get her I'll get too much of her.
This thing won't do"
"You can put her up any blamed poison
you want to-" said L; "my prescription
don't mean any thing, and you know it.
but l won't lose the ten dol ars a week
Pm making out of it. AS for my making
love to her you can set your mind at
rest on that point. Pm not stuck on her
shape"
'Nor either" said he, "but 80
"Oh, you amt neither of you stuck on
my shape" said a voice, and Mrs. BIivens
strobe into the room. 'I've been listening
to you outside this door, and Pve come in
to get squares
Bogus went under the table and made
for the window, but an iron hand graspsd
each OF us and fight was out of the ques.
tion.
$50 you've been deluding a poor lone
woman, have you," said she, shaking
Bogus till his false teeth fell out.
ats all his fault" said I, but In an In.
slant l, too, was flying about like wind
mill. My head came in violent contact
with Bogus, and for few minutes all was
dreary whirl of legs, arms and clothing.
heard her shrek out something about
cheating an unprotected female, and then
another bump from Bogus head sent me
into the only genuine trance that had ever
occurred In the office. When / awoke, the
cold, calm moonlight was stealing In
through the window. On the floor lay a
bundle, which / took to be the remains of
Bogus, Silently packed up my belong-
ings nd stole forth into the night. When
the morning dawned there was a vacancy
in the clairvoyant department of the med
ical fraternity In Rochester, and since
that episode Chicago has been good
enough for me.