The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1888-06-01
BILL NYE AS A POLITICIAN
He Suggests Himself as a Suitable
Dark Horse For an Emeraeprr.

"hicu nave Just mad with myself |
have positively stated and now repeat,
that at neither the St. Louis nor Chicago
convention will my name be presented US
a candidate.
But my health is bully.
We are upon the threshold of a most
bitter and acrimonious fight. Great wis.
dom and foresight are needed at this hour
and the true palsiot will Forget. himself
and his own INTERESTS in his great yearn-
ing for the good of his common country
and The success of his party. What we
need at this time is a leader whose name
will not be presented at the convention
but whose health is coed.
No II has a fuller or better concep-
ton of the great duties of the hour than
|. How clearly to my mind are the du-
ties of the American citizen outlined to-
day! | have never seen with clearer;
keener vision the great needs Of MY
country, and my pores have never been
some doubt relative TO certain important
questions which now are clearly and sat
isfactorily settled in my mind. | hest
tated then where now am fully estab-
IFhe1, and my tongue was coated in the
morning when | arose, whereas now |
bound lightly from bed, kick ont Il win
dow, climb TO the roof by means of the
tirc-escape, and there rehearsc speeches
which | shall make this fall in case it
should be discovered at either of the con-
ventions that my name alone can heal The
rupture in the party and prevent its
works from falling out.
| think my voice is better also than it
was either eight, twelve or sixteen years
ago, and ii does hot tire me so much to
think of things to sayf rom the tnil gate
Of a train as it did when ! first began to
refrain from presenting my name to con
ventions.
According to my notion, our candidate
shbIld be a plain man, a magnetic but
hairless patriot, who should he suddenly
thought of by a majority of the convem-
ton and nominated by acclamation. He
should not be a hide bound politician, but
on the contrary he should be greatly
Startled, while down cellar %sprouting
potatoes, to learn that he has been nomi.
hated. That's the kind of Il man who
always, surprises every body with his
sagacity when an emergency arises.
In going down my cellar stairs the com
mittee will do well TO avoid stepping on IA
large and mem dog who sleeps on
the top stair. Or will tie him in a barn
if ! can be informed when | am liable to
be startled.
have always thought that the neat st
method OF calling Il man TO public life
was the one adopted some wears since In
the chse of C%incinnatus. Hewas one dny
breaking il pair of nervous red steers in
the bb1th field. 1t was a hot day in July,
and he was trying TO summef-fallow a
piece of ground where the Unison weeds
grew seven feet high! The pillow would
not scour, and the steers had turned the
yoke twice on him Cincinnatus had
hung his toga on atamarack pole TO strike
a furrow by, and hadn't succecdcd in get
ting the pillow in than twice in going
across. Dressing as he did in the Roman
costume of 45S b. c., the blackberry vines
had scratched his massive legs Till they
were a sight to behold. He had scourged
Old Bright and twisted the tail of Bolly
till he was sick at heart. All through the
long afternoon, wearing a hot. rusty hcl-
met with rabbit SKIN ear-tabs, he had
toiled on, when suddenly a majority of
the Roman voters climbed over the fence
and asked him to become Dictator in
place of Spurius Melius.
Putting On his tosa and buckling on an
old hame-strap around his loins, he said:
Gentlemen, if you will wait till | 90 to
the house and get some vaseline on my
limbs | will do your debating for you Us
low as you have ever had it done" He
then left his team standing in the furrow
while he served his country in an official
capacity for a little over twcn;y-nine
years, after which he went back and re-
sumed his farming.
Though 900 years have since passed
away, and historians have been busy with
that epoch, even since, no one has vet
discovered the methods by which Cincin-
nutus organized and executed this, the
most successful Peoples Movement OF
which we are informed.
The great trouble with the modern
boom is that it is too precocious. l.
knows more before ii gets its clothes OF
than the nurse, and the physician and liz
parents. 1t her dies before the sal,
starts in the maple forests.
My object in writing thus letter is large
ly 10 tons down and keep in check any
popular movement in my behalf until the
weatheris more settled. A season cracked
boom is a thing / despisc.
] inclosc my picture, however, which
shows thatl am so healthy that ii keeps
me awake nights. l go about the house
singing all the time, and playing prnnks
on my grandparents. My eye dances with
~iH-concealed merrimcnt, and my CONVEX.
sation is just as sparkling rs it can BE-.
| believe that during this campaign We
should lay aside politics so far as posi-
bic and unite on an unknown, honcly.
but sparkling man. Let us lay aside All
race prejudices and old party feeling and
elect a magnetic chump who does moi
look so well, but who feels fist rate.
Towards the middle of June / shall ct
away to an obscure place where | canno'
be reached. My mail will be forwardoe
TO me by a gentleman who knows how
feel in relation to The wants and needs O
The country.
To those who have p~rosperod durita
the last twenty years lie, me say that III
owe it to he erpctuation Of The prime
pies and institutions towuid the establish
ment and maintenance of which | hav,
given the best energies of my life. 1o
those who have been unfortunate let M.
say frankly that they owe il to them
selves.
have never had less malaria or de.
~spondchcv in my system tlan [ have ihis
spring. My checks have a delicate hlo0n
on them ike a russell apple. and my .stcl,
is light and elastic. In the morning ]
arise from my C0ucn ana, touching q
concealed spring it becomes an upright
piano. ! then battle in n low divan which
contains a jointcd tank. | then sing
until iaterfereh with ny property owner,
and taxpayers who reside near by. After
a light breakfast of calves liver and
custard pie go into the reception room
and wait for people TO come and feel my
pulse. In the afternoon | lie down on Il
lounge for two or three hours, wondering
in what way | can endear myself to til,
'ahoring man. then dine heartily at The
club. In the evening go to see thr
amateurs play ~"Pygmalion and Galatca. .
AS remain till the play is over, anyone
can see that l I'm a very robust man.
After l get home ! write two or three
thousand words in my dairy. |
then insert myself into the bosom Of my
piano and sleep, having first removed my
clothes and ironed my trousers for future
reference.
In closing let me urge one and all to re-
newed effort. The prospects for a speedy
and unqualified victory at the polls were
never more roseate. Let us select a man
| anon whom wa r,n oil sDi,n /, ,,,, ,,t,