davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES
A Vegetable Maid-Hoist With
His Own Petard-Got It
just the Same
Etc, Etc.

In glancing through the lads" Of all the
daily papers,
From the 'strong and active girl to the 'qady
for the drapers,"
In the situations vacant" through which
duly wade,
There's none that takes my fancy like the
vegetable maid.
Lettuce try to picture her-commencing at
the top:
Of course her head (of colery) is surmounted
OF fern called fmaiden-hair, so delicate and
green,
Which needs the use of monkey soap to keep
it nice and clean.
Descend little lower and her ears (of wheat)
descry,
Perchance they may be barley, or oats, or
With cheeks little radish, and turnipnose
Ito SMELL,
Her mouth a stalk of tulips-which are
cherry red as well.
We must not fail to mention, though it cause
you some surprise
great black eyes.
But, unlike that poor old tuber's, hers can
both blink and flash,
And certainly are not cut out when going
for '.mash.n
No doubt the marrow in her bones Is vege
table, too.
Her palms are cased in foxgloves Of bright
magenta hue,
While round her neck, the choicest furze she
wears with London pride;
Though an old man with his sage advice is
often at her side.
She drinks from out buttercup this Canter-
bury bell (e)
Her name is Rose or Violet, but which she
will not tell:
Some thyme perhaps in fuchsia the secret
will leek out,
But that it is floral name, can anybody
doubtl
-Vdnkoe Rfdr1e
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Simple Rules For Computing Interest.

A simple rule for computing interest
at any given per cent. and for any length
of time:
Multiply the principal (amount OF
money at INTEREST," by the time reduced
to days-then divide this product by.
the ouotient obtained by dividing $50
(the number of days in the interest year,
by the per cent. of interest, and the
ouotient thus obtained will be the re-
quired interest.
COMPUTATION OF INTEREST.
To find the interest on any sum, mul.
tiply the principal by the number OF
days, and then proceed as follows:
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
CouIdn't Afford to be Cheated.

-
A Poland man once had occasion to
borrow q horse of Ex-Governor David
Dunn the famous Poland lawyer, having
to ride several miles to see several peo-
pie. He made the trip, returned, drove
to the Governors house, found no one at
home, put the horse in the stable and
then went to the store, where he found
the Governor talking with some friends.
II put the horse in your stable and
fed him."
Cali right"
"Now, what's the billf'
"Where did you goi" ..
81 went first to Leacon Smiths"
"How far do you call that~
"Three miles" ..-.... H.
"I know better. It's three and q hslf."
"Well, call it so. Then I went over
to my brothers."
"How many miles does that EskeF
"Seven."
'It's all of eight" .-
This examination continued until tho
entire route had been covered, when the
man who borrowed the horse said:
Snow, Governor, what is the bill2 Tell
me, and if I've got money enough I'll
pay it now" - -.-.'-.
1.-THE bill9" said the Governor. ~
don't want anything. When you want
the horse take him. I.didn't care how
far you went, but when you undertook
to tell me couldn't afford to be cheated
in the miles. ."-Lewiston (Me.) Journal.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
So She Was.

81 came to you, ma'am," said the
tramp, "because they told me you was
friend to the human race"
$50 I am" replied the lady Of the
house, with pleasant smile, "but you'll
excuse me if I do not see how the fact
can be CT the slightest interest to you. "
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
A Small Concession.

Elderly Lady Ito boy in hardware
store )-"Hev ye got any O. them hand.
bellows fer buildin' firesa"
Boy-'Yes'm; there's somethin' nice
- twenty-five cents each.
Elderly Lady-'Is that the cheapest
ye can sell 'ems"
Boy-"Yes'm; but I'll tell you what
I'll do: as you don't look to be a very
stren'thy old lady, I'll fill it with wind
fer ."--L;G.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
IT. Would Seem So.

"Why do doctors always write their
prescriptions in Latino" asked little
Johnny.
sNy son." replied old Brown, 'they
do that in order to give the druggist a
chance to add dollar on the prescrip-
ton for translating it."
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
TEMPERANCE.
He would Not Take It.

The following incident shows the true
bravery and steadfastness Of boy who had
bow of only fourteen years, and by accident
had his legs 50 badly hurt by passing rail
road train that amputation was necessary.
OF course he was very weak, and the doctors
said he must have glass of brandy. But TO
their surprise, ne refused to take 1t when
they held it to his lips.
''No brandy for me, doctor, " ne said; , ~,
"But you need it," they urged. wen
have to give you chloroform.."
anything but brandy."-Tsmperance Ban
neT.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Always Ready.

What in the name of common sense,
Jones, makes you 90 around with such a
heap of cotton stuffed in your ears"
"Well, you see, the fact is that dine
out almost every evening, and the piano
forte is 80 much in vogue now after din
uer that one has to be prepared. "-Judge.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Medical Changes.

Citizen Ito elderly physician )-"You
don't bleed patients as often as you did
fifteen or twenty years ago2"
Physician docking over package OF
unpaid bills)-'tNo, we don't bleed 'em
at all; they bleed usp'-Lye.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Cot II inst The Same.

GLOW about the defaulting cashier
you were defending2" inquired Ter
williger ofa lawyer. "Did you succeed
in getting stay of proceedings3"
'No. 1 didn't" returned the lawyer.
"but the cashier got stay of ten years
in the States prison. ."-Neao York Sun.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14

If the principal is expressed in dollars
and cents. point off four figures and the
result will be the interest in dollars and
cents.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
A Husbands Sympathy,

"My wife always comes to me with
her troubles" said Brown.
"Qui,e right" replied the minister.
ga wife shonld always look to her hus-
band for sympathy. And how do you
console herr"
"Why," replied old Brown, 'I laugh
at her."-Sun.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Giving Her Away.

Snobberly- "Have you ever crossed
the ocean, Miss Flirtyt"
Miss Flirty-"No, Mr. Snobberly, I
have adread of the water. I don't think
ever could be induced to embark in a
ship of any kind"
"How about courtship, sis9" asked
Johnny, Miss Flirty's younger brother.
-Sytings.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Hoist With His Own Petard.

Nervous Old Gentlemau-"What on
earth is that burning, Charles"
Charles-"Eh2"
Nervous Old Gentleman-'T say, what
makes that terrible odor2"
Charles-"Why, father, I am smoking
one of your cigars. ."-Bazar.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
harmony in the Party

Mrs. G.-"I understand that you have
had trouble with your servant girl"
Mrs. H.--"Not at ALL"
Mrs. G.-"Oh! then 1 was misln-
formed"
Mrs. HIT was nothing. I was
ooine to have a reception, but she had
a arranged for one herself tnat night"
Mrs, G.-"And she gave hers up"
Mrs. H.-"No, I gave up mine, so we
are still the best of friends. ."-Boston
Courier.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14

given two foot rule to measure q pieco
Of iron plate. Not being accustomed to
the use of the rule he returned it, after
wasting q good deal of time.
"Well, Mike" asked his superior,
"what is the 81 e of tie plate9"
swell, replied Mike, with the smile
which accompanies duty performed, 'ft's
the length of your rule and two thumbs
over, with this piece of brick and the
breadth of my hand and arm, from hero
to there, bar fiuger."--Yoaths Com
panion.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Two Ways of Selling Goods.

"What do you git fer them crab
apples3" asked an old lady of the
grocer's boy.
"I'm very sorry, marm," replied the
boy, "but III have to charge you doll
lar a measure for 'em."
"Huh! that's too much" and she
turned to 60.
"Can 1 do anything for you, MADAME"
inquired the proprietor, approaching.
~ was askin' the price o. them crab
apples" she said.
"Well, I'm very glad to inform you.
madam, that, seeing you're an old Gus
toner, can make them crab apples to
you at only one dollar measure.
"All right. guess you kin send me
two measlll es -kal0ch Il =
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Reduced to q system.

H6UUC6II 20 d Oy5VCH
Two vagrants called on kind lady in
the suburbs of New York.
'To which of you two shall give this
nickel2" she asked.
First Tramp-"Give it to him, madame.
He has purchased the route from me, and
I am just taking him around to introduce
him to the customers. ."-Sytings.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14

Sir Wilfrid Lawson says: "There Is an
old saying of which am fond. Some great
man said: 4 never knew anyone get LOST
upon straight road 1t Is only when you
dodge a principle-that you get into
scrapes.n
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
An Awful Day.

"Come right in the kitchen, Johnny"
said Mrs. Brown, ''and get your supper.
Don't make the least noise, and as soon
as you are through you must get right
upstairs to bed"
whats the matter, ma" cried little
Johnny, putting his finger in his eye.
Hush, dear" she replied, ''your
father has been putting up the stoves
this afternoon"
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Could Afford to Wear Any Kind.

Could Afford to Wear Any Kind.
"The young man who accompanied
you to church last evening, Laura" said
Miss Clearinghouse, "has fine, intel
lectual face, but it seemed to me that his
pardon me-his trousers were some
what baggy at the knees"
"Quite, likely, Irene" replied Miss
Kaiones, with some hauteur, 'Mr.
IIankinson is, if I mistake not, one of
the heaviest stockholders of the Bag
ging Trust" - Chicago Tribune.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
Long Visits.

Long Visits.
"What's the matter, Darringer2 You
look dispirited."
''I'm troubled with too much mother
in-law."
"That is bad, old boy. How often
does she visit you9"
"Twice year."
''That isn't often, Darringer."
s'No, it isn't-only that she stays six
months at time. ."-1ime.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
The Clerks Diplomacy.

Shoe Dealer Ito clerkl-"William,
why did you insist upon selling to that
old gentleman pair of small, soft shoes,
when he called for large cowhide
boots2"
"Well-er-"
Il insist upon knowing"
"The fact is I call on his daughter
quite frequently in the even1ngs."-Lm-
coin Journal.
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14

No Use For q Foot Rule.
A laborer in a shipyard was one day
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14

IamlIy WILL leel Inc MoIal upiii"nS
or depression. Have nothing OH your
wall or in books that will familiarize
the young with scenes Of cruelty or wassail;
have only those sketches made by artists In
elevated moods, and none of those scenes that
seem the product of artistic delirium tremens.
Pictures are not only strong but uni
versal language. The human race is divided
into almost as many languages as there are
nations, but the pictures may speak to
people of all tongues Volapuk many have
hoped, with little reason, would become a
worldwide language; but the pictorial is
always a world wide language, and printers
types have no emphasis compared with 1t.
We sly that children are fond of pictures;
but notice any man when he takes up book,
and YOU will see that the first thing
that he looks at is the pictures. Have
appeal a o' to the better nature. Ons
engraving has sometimes decided an eternal
destiny. Under the title OF fine arts there
have come here from France class of pic
lures which elaborate argument has tried to
prove irreproachable. They would disgrace
. barroom, and they need to be confiscated::
Your children will carry the pictures OF
their fathers house with them clear on TO
the grave, and, passing that marble pillar,
will take them through eternity. :,
Furthermore, let all reformers, and all
Sabbath-school teachers, and all CHRISTIAN
workers realize that If they would be etfec-
tive for good, they must make plctures'
il not by chalk on black-boards'
or kindergarten designs, or by pen.
Gil on canvas, then by words. Arguments
are soon forgotten: but pictures. wnesnea NI,es
in language or in colors, are what pro1uce
strongest effects. Christ was always teuing
what a thing was like, and His Sermon on the
Mount was great picture gallery, beginning
with a sketch Of "city on hill that cannot
be hid" and ending with a tempest beating
against two houses, one on the rock ana tne
other on the sand. The parable OF the PROOF
gal son, a picture; parable OF the sower, "ne
unmerciful servant, picture; parable OF the
tsu virgins, picture; parable Of the talents
The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1888-11-14
COMPUTATION OF INTEREST.

For four DER cent. ... divide by 9
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
SALT LAKE HERALD SATURDAY NOVEMBER II. 1888
COMMERCIAL.
BulliOn
Money Market.

New YoKR, November l6-Bar Silver,
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17

FLoUR-Firm; supply far below demand:
advance of25c. noted. car lots, So; upward
movement will continue.
WHEAT-Supply fair; demand good; hold
ers waiting for higher prices.
OATs-No exports noted frmer; advanced,
$1.l712 to 81 25
BARLEY-Brewers continue to buy all
white club offered, at figures justifying Cali
fornia competition; Utah 81. 10 to 81. Is, bulk
California, soc. to 81 sacked: supply good
RYE-Fair demand; unchanged.
CoRN-Stationary; NO advance. Nebraska
article imported on account of low price.
LUCERN SEED-In good demand; supply
light, advanced, with the upward ten
SIC bulk; two car loads shipped to-day,
one to S.. Louis and one to San Francisco,
HAY-Good lucal demand; no exports
LpCERN-Buyers are paying $11G$12 OBJ.
at Salt Lake. An upward tendency is notice
eble, however.
PorAToEs-Expo1ts, Thursday. ten car.
loads, from Spanish Fork, at soc, sacked.
I. o. b. for the east: demand light; supply
in excess of demand
ONIoNs-Demand light: sup oly good; no
shipments noted; unchanged.
BUTTER-Creamery A l, good demand;
supply light for frst-class; medium in ex-
EGGs- Advanced with upward tendency;
buyers are paying Csc. for fresh; supply
light; demand good.
SALT-Unchanged; some better feeling
manifested on account of smelters starting
up. To Butte, from Utah common points,
f., o. b. on milling, 81 rs per ton. Table and
dairy, IS and los, delivered TO jobDers at IS
per ton Cattle salt, good outside demand;
Lake lump, $3.50: Nephi mountain rock,
81 50; SaIina mountain rock, Sc %.
DRIED FRUIT - Peaches, common, &c !;
peeled, 1212c. Apples, sc. P4ums, Sc.
Apricots, 10c. No shipments of any guam
tity; market dull; supply in excess of de-
lots; no home demand Carload lots would
shade these prices a trifie
LIVE SToCK-C Choice steers pa % 212;
medium, 2; cows ~ @ 2; calves, 5 @ s;
sheep, muttons. 2 "a ~.
HoGs-Dressed, 7@8. Market firm; supply
equol to demand.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Deafness.
Hay Fever,
Bad Breath.
so CTS "A Box so CTS.
At Salt Lake City Drug Stores.
Sent by Mail on Reoe1pG.
of P-ice.
NEW ORLEANS, LIZ.


1 suffered with catarrh for many years
and got so deaf that l went about my hu-
scum, Circus and Theatre giving direction
at the side OF nv head. # was yeyv annoV-
ing to me and amusing to those who saw
me By the advice of physicians / sought
the climate of the Sunny South. IN six,
months could see no change and was dis
couraged At this time l began US NO
Chalmers English Catarrh Cure. In three,
months felt new man. in six mouths nv
hearing returned. l refused to give q testi-
monial at once for the English Catarrh Cure.
as feared it was not permanent But q
heartily indorse Chalmers English Catarrls,
Cure for the cure OF ca.sFrh and deafness
EUGENE ROBINSON
Proprietor Robinson's Circus and Memphis
and New Orleans, Museums and Thea.
tres.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Mary,s Persecu tor Insane.

MBrys Persecu tor Insane.
New YORK, Novem Der 16 -Physicians
who examined James NJ. Dougherty,
the prosecutor of Mary Anderson, the
actress. to-day proved and pronounced
him sane. he will be taken to an
asylum.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
STORES!

= ++-+++++++ - - - 80 =
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
New York Stock Exchange.

NEW YORK, November Is The stock mar.
ket was weak at the opening under the in
fluence of heavy selling of Union racifc
and Lake Shore by London houses. and ca
bles from London reporting declines in the
rest of the list have had a depressing effect
Trunk line stocks were especially weak;
selling orders were soon exhausted, how
ever, and after the first hour the market
showed considerable strength ana the
early losses were rapidly recovered The
volume of business was comparatively
small
Governments dull and steady.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Petroleum.

New YORK, November 16.-Petroleum
opened steady at $50; trading was quiet
and fluctuations confined within range of
% cent until the last hour, when the mar
ket sagged off slowly to 8434 and closed
weak al s..
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Mining Stocks.

NEW YORK, November 10 Mining Gu ia
tons: Amador, p 0; Consolidated CsIifor
nis& Virginia, 10 90; Deadwood, IT'S
Colorado Central, II; Caledonia Black Hills,
8 90; Eureka 800; Homestaka, II so; Iron
Silver, 3 90; Plymouth, 81; Standard,
1855; Silver King, 20,
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Boston Quotations.

Boston, November 16.-Atchison & Topeka
first sevens, L20M; Atchison & Topeka
land grant sevens, !. Is; Atehison & Topeka
K KaIios1 O. cntT aITng5On 9gsneyh ~
Central, first mortgage bonds, 64H; San
Diego Land Company, 81.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
New York General Markets

NEW YORK, November 16
Hops-Moderately active, steady
Cotfee-OptiOns, steady. Sales, $500 bag,
Including November, IS 4001S 80; Deem
Der, l3 90(9l3 SO; January, Is 2O@1S As; Feb
r1ary, ID l5@l3 IS; March Is. 15(913.50; spot
Rio steady fair; ca goes, 1917
Sugar-Firm: refined, quiet.
Wool-Firm; domestic fleece, 29036
Copper-Quiet; lake and November, II. IS
Lead-Quiet: domestic, TO-
Hn-Opened firm, closed easier; straits,
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Lfverpool Grain.

LIVERPOOL, November 16
Wheat-Dull; demand fair; holders offer
moderately.
Corn-Dull and lower; new mixed west
ern. Is Cd per GENITAL
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Afternoon Railroad Stocks
Chicago Live sCoek.
OE1cAeo. November !

Csttle-Receipts, 5000; active and 10 cts.
higher for desir able natives; beeYes, 5 500
Is: steers 3.O0@5.35; stockers and feeders.
2. 0t98. 50: Texas steers, l.7093 40; western
rangers, 3.00@4 Is.
Hogs = Receipts, 5000; 10 cents lower;
mixed, 5 2595.45; heavy, 5 3095.55; light,
35@5.65
sheep-Receipts, 5000; steady; natives.
275g4 so, western, 2.60940O; Texans, co
93 rs.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
PHILADELPHIA Wool,

PHILADELPHIA, November 16- Wool
Firm Improved Eastern oregon, 13@22c;
Oregon. 2192S; New Mexican and Colo
RADIO 1920
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Boston Wool

BosTos, November 1.-THE wool market
has been very active and prices higher,
with buoyancy at the close and tendir e
upward. Sales of wool amounting in all to
1,67S. 600 have been rep Jrted. one manu-
facturer buying 1900 bags, ON secured
basis, at 52(955, and others from 5O@6O
There were large sales of California spring
at 17922: fall, 20(022; oregon and other I'M
washed woods are in fair demand.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
Chicago Produce Market.

CHICAGO. NoVem Der 10
Wheat - Easier; cash, LIP; December,
1254; January, liz; May. / 141a.
Corn Easy; cash, 4015; December, 3S34 :;
January, 271a; May, SO
Oats-SteAdy; cash, 251s; December, Is !;
May, 1919.
Ba1leyeNothing doing
Pork : Steady cash, 1865; December,
IA IS; January, 7O@7I12; May, Is.
Lard - Steady: cash, SOS; December,
SIS; January, 121a@S Is; May, g. 80.
AFTERNOON.
Barley-Nominal.
Whisky 1.20
Shoulders, 7 371a97 so; short clear, e12@
SO; short ribs, 1907 SIS.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-17
METEOROLOGICAL LOCAL RECORD.
SALT LAKE CITY. Utah, Nov. 16, 1888

Max temp, AZ Z; min. temp. 80 0.
Mean temp, 400; for II years, 29': ex-
cess, 10.
Excess of temp. since January l. 1885,
46l0; deficiency of temp. since November /,
1888, $50.
Rainfall, Is inches; mean daily for II
years, 0.06 inches; excess, OH inches
Deficiency of rainfall since January l,
1883. 5.22 inches; excess of rainfall since
November l. 1883. 0.S1 inches.
P. q. FITZMAURICE, Sergeant,
Signal Corps.
The Middleburgh post. [volume] (Middleburgh, Snyder Co., Pa.) 1883-1916, 1888-12-06
JAS. g. SllAFlElI
j. 4. SrRAUSt,
ELL pOltrXLlNE,
ANNA II MBAliD,

The Permanent Certificate Com
mitteo then reported that they
would meet in Middleburgh the last
Saturday in February for the pur-
pose of holding examination. The
same standard is maintained as last
year Each applicant required to
have thesis OF not less than 700
words.
1t was resolved that the Institute
make some provision for payment
Of the expenses of Permanent Ger
tifcate Committee.
After some remarks by Superin.
tendent Herman, Institute adjourn
ed.