News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-08-23

ulOSt SIueIHlIy BlU 50 lull we COulOn Ue
a jack from queen after II o'clock.
EXPERIENCED.
'Young man life is but one span.
"Yes, sir; but that only fsts Will
you are engaged, one horse will do afte
marriage. "-BurIjngt0n Free Press.
| THE PRoDIGAL'S RETURN.
Stranger-Are you Mr. Bridgely9
"That's my name. Who are you?"
''Don't you remember me e.
81 do not
"Do you remember how, fourteen
years ago, your Oldest boy left his hom
to seek his fortune?"
Certainly 1 do"
"Mr. Bridgely, 1 am that lost son."
"Well, well! I told Martha thi
morning when the plaster fell from tn,
ceiling that it was a sign of bad luck. -
Nebraska Journal.
CLOSED.
Daughter-Papa, dear, Mr.. Sampson
is coming tonight, and l wish when you
go to bed that you would close the tran
som over your door.
Father (humbly)-Do snore so loud.
ly as all that?
eyes, papa; and I don't want Mr.
Sampson to think that sort of thing runs
in the family"
A DISAPPOINTING ECLIPSE.
He gazing at the recent eclipse OF
the moon)-Ah, dear, isn't it wonder
full, and-er-wonderful, wonderful
She somewhat disappointed)-Yes
George; but it isn't nearly as dark as ]
expected it would be.
A sEDATIvE.
Judge-Mrs. O'Todd, your husband
charges you with throwing a painful of
oil on him..
Mrs. O'Todd Yis, sor. He wor boist-
rous an stormin' around, an I'd rid
how they throw lie on the say to quiet it
down.
Judge-Did it calm him?
Mrs. O'Todd-Like q slaping child,
yer honor.
Judge-Discharged with thanks
Time
DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.
First policeman-Are you going to
the concert next Sunday evening?
Second Policeman-Sacredc concerts
cludes some fine old allads, negro
minstrel sketch, recitations and comic
alities by Buffoon, the noted humorist.
S. P.-AhI l wish L could go.
F. P.-Going to be on duty?
Salvation people from singing hymns in
t1o
OF COURSE.
Wife (tenderly)-George, do you still
love me?
Husband (who is busy)-Yes, love
you still.
oBLIGING.
Tramp-Could you do anything to re-
lieve poor man, sir2
Citizen-Certainly; here's a fan; go
and fan yourself.
THE LESSER EVIL.
Office Boy Ito editor)-There's q fe-
eyed man what wants to whip de editor.
Editor-Well, show the man that
wants to whip the editor in.-Ep0ch.
MUssY.
Country Groom Ito waiter) Raw oys-
ters for two, mister.
Waiter-Yes sir-have'em in the
SHELF
Groom Ito bride)-That suit you,
ovey?
Bride (dubiously)-Why-er-yes,
John, if you think you kin open 'em
thout making o muss.
ALARMING.
Wife (carelessly)-What's the fire
alarm ringing for?
Husband (freshly)-For a fire of
course.
Wife (calmly)-Well, what do you
suppose it wants with q fire such day
is this?- Washington Critic.
THOSE BILLS.
A cynical man says there are two oc-
,asions when he would like to be pres.
mt. One is when the gas company pays
is water bill; the other is when the wa
er company pays its gas bill.-Teras
'Jt5ngs.
NOT QUITE SURE OF HIMSELF.
Magistrate Ito with ess)-You do sol
,mnly swear, Uncle 'Rastus, that the
evidence you are about to give shall be
he truth, the whole truth, and nothing
,ut the truth2
Witness Ye-es, yo' Honah; but
uddent yo' swa' me on a smaller Bible? |
De size OBJ dat book, sab, makes de ole
nan narvous, deed it do.
A noted Sunday school worker living
u Kansas was once asked to talk to the |
hildren of Sunday school on the sub
ect of temperance. He is very earnest |
n the cause, and wears bit of blue rib
ION as badge of his principles.
Rising before the school, he pointed
o his. bit of blue ribbon and said: "Now,
an any of you children give me q rea-
on why l am not drunkard2"
There was no reply for moment;
hen childish little voice in the rear of
he room piped out:
"'Cause this is prohibition town."
- YOUTHS C0ntpani0n.
HIS FIRST VENTURE.
Friend Ito young photographer
Veil, how are you getting alongs Taken
ny negatives yet2
Photographer-Yes; one. proposed
} Amelia last night and she refused me.
-Judge.
A SUBSTITUTE.
AT q summer resort. Bella-Oh, dearl
What are we to do to day, without
ian on the grounds4
Carrie-Let'sg get a boat and row round
le buoy.-Br5ingtOn Free Press.
AN INTELLIGENT WITNESS.
Magistrate Ito small witness)-Do you
now what becomes of people who swear
what is not true?
Small witness-Yessir; dey skips for
anada.
Magistrate-Swear the Witness
eras SJtjngs.
THEY DON'T PLAY BALL.
"Does the Washington nine play bail
l Sunday p asked Y. NJ G. A. of
an who had backed the club.
"No." was the gruff reply.
"Oh, am so very, very glad, said
le Y NJ G. A., rubbing his hands.
"Well, you needn't be-" responded
n booLor EGtbay JOD't nlav hall on