davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
NAILED KyIGHT ~ THE WITNESS BOX
pats latter I'm Tho LOndJn Telegraph.

A police court even In Paris Is prosale place 80
Ear rs scenery Is concerned but great oa OF color
,as observed Yesterday In the wtneSs-oo1 as IL may
ha called of the Tribunal Of Correctional Foicc Ibei0
etood with his vizor up tall parsonage In the inli
nanoply OF knight Grant OF the Midde AGES 10
adoDt a somewhat vulgar hut expressive phrase, pc
had them all on lie was rcsplendent IN coat OF
man his hands were cncased In iron gauh,els ana nc
looked in fact a. II he had Just stepped out OF inc
sgrs oi Ivanhce" or Orlando Furioso" His APP
pearance of course created what may be calcd Eith.
ont the least touch OF cxaggcrauon, N tsnsalon
Tho grim g1effer ~ the court loosea SUI "
Young parrsters and attorneys sn.icd az me chp -
sion on the face Of the presiding judge can ohy be
Jmapinpd ~ last the crc1iei sumriniru hp couIEso
after much whispering had taken place bc,"csh hW
and the tudge, to demand of the me1lncvM eng
srcount Of himself Then It transpred thar the ui
~ mail was hight Pierre Gtosclau1e thar 10 was c.
gagcd in distributing handl;lis for the proprietor OF
he hrasser,c OF Tho Beautiful Fredegonda ana that
10 had been subpoonacd In the cSse Elancafd vs.
Dcuizct "But how IT," asked the iraio pro
sdnc magistrate "that you have the audacty TO pre-
sent Yourself I'm dress like that - The rcpy was
deivered In n faltering tone. Yielding to necessity:
tho EnIgh-crrant had pawncd his prosac attire ann
was obi ged to APPEAR In the professional hab'lneis
I'm which rs distributed handbs on tho bouleNals
setting forth the comforts and Injuries OF the brassen
OF "Thc Fair Frodegonda" and the peerless beauty %
lis principal iIehe. Tho answer having satished Tho
ma eIs rate tho witness told 10 sit down bu; ne
caused further explosions OF laughter whtn he nnvcy
said: Il can't sit do wn. your worship, with all ny
iYonmongerv on I" As business could not % pro-
ceedod with, owing 10 the rcprcssble merrtment,
which turned the court OF justice Into sort Of branch
OF the Paaisoval Theatre. the dispositions OF the
champion Of the Frede gonda taken In camera, and
be was sent speedily about his business
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
"SOVERIyES" IN A TOY-SHOP

Going into Brooklyn toy shop, lady asked to Gee
toy Ratchet Oh yes, they had Them sad the sales
woman a gsrrulous person. who had passed the mid
period OF life The two styles shown cheapy made
OF wood, gded and decorated with ribbons Both bore
the name Father OF his Country but II the Ratchet
welded by George Washington had not been much
formidable weapon George would never have given his
father any trouble about that cherye and fathers and
mothers for the last century would have been forced to
train up their children in the they should without
the benent OF the famous incident which has been made
TO much yeomsn service and which Edward Everett
Hale declares he believes to be strictly Tho
laxative saeswoman said nothing OF this kind however
nor did give the prospective opportunity
to think It. incessant the stream Of her
place The purchase OF the larger OF the styles
Of Ratchet being completed, she still continued date
on their merits.
Oh" she said, there's something about this little
that must tell you Last winter Mr. - (namIng
the proprietor OF the sor made 500 OF these for church
fair. you know. Everybody who bought ticket got
one, you know. As soyerine you know"
The lady fastened with the soverne" that she had
bought The Incident has proved a longer continued
OF amusement 70 her than tho sOyerne" did the
boy for whom # was purchased.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
TEACHING HUMANITY IN SCHOOL

From Inc Phlla1ephia Call.
boy In school was having very funny time, by stick
ing pin into the legs Of the boy who sat next him and
laughing at his antics The teacher caught sight OF the
proceeding ana taxing PIN went to the nrst mentioned
boy and said: Would you like to have pin stuck into
you Ike thatr lie laughed though he thought it
might be capital joke. wherea teacher the
rather freely, and his jumpngs and squrmlnga accom-
panied by his OusW and endeavors 10 save himself
by the use OF his hands attracted the attention OF
the whole school. The teacher finally asked him what
the matter. and why he did quietly. and when
he said that he couldn't IL hurt" the teacher said
Well that Is Just The IL feels other people Have
you had enough OF I'll lie very decided In his
opinion that he had and the teacher occasion 10
few words 10 the school In regard 10 their treatment not
only Of each other but Of the lower animals sho said
boy Kill toad last night and wondered n no
that the toad 10 help 70 and he thought OF
tosds suffering" OF tho looked thoughtful.
few laughed and the boy that killed the toad raised
his hand and said " What good can q toad do Upon
the teachers inquiry among the scholars she found that
only few knew anything Of tho good that toad does In
garden IL the means OF reform In that direc
ton the OF birds revealed the fact that
very few Of them knee that bird Of any use whatever
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
THE PAPER WAS PROTESTED.

From Tho Chicago Mall
Colonel Graham, the Forty miner, interested crop
in the lobby OF the Willard the other night by poll
ing out q mild-loohdng old gentleman who, he sd,
had been connected with moro duels than any otir
10 IS the most noted duelist on the Pacific slop"
the Colonel proceeded, in revercntial tone. g
has been on the field OF honor, as principal seeOd
or arbitrator fifty-three times. He has on his boy
seventeen scars received In duels He has fouft
with pistols, swords, bowie knives, shotguns al
clubs He was in constant demand as a counselr
in tho day when dueng was considered the ma
honorable way to settle personal dncuities In "a
Seeing tho Champion the Colonel continued -
minds me of another noted character We had In y
duelllng days of California. lie was Ned Byrne
San Francisco, a lively, shfty fellow. He was a.
pointed Notary Public, an Important Office IN tho,
days. and was always ON s5 5s Sa ce
out to California from Ncw-York and bulit tneatl
by thoughtless remark Tom McGnire gaze ave.
tense to ono OF tho most desperate men In 'trisc,
and forthwith there q challenge TO fight due
Now Tom didn't want to fight, aud he didn't hno me.
TO Ned Byrne's once and asked brother Irishman
advice. $1,000. A.. .,1 -
y ia d .yW WITH S
{" All right said Mcclure, delighted; Put
through for me; will you, Squire = .0,,,., notary
protest IN legal form, and had It signed. affixed u
Big seal Of his office, and told Mcclure to deliver
" what's the charger asked Mcclure.
%.My usual fec for protesting e.. challenge -
fs9'G protested Hundreds Of Challenges
d'Here's your money said Mcclure; and no addet
q little dubonsly, Il hope she'll stick,
"'Oh,' said Byrne, cncouragingy, 1t VIII stsne
havo protested II according to law
mcclure returned the challenge and heard no NOR
about II until ono day, quito a time afterward, N
protested challenger stepped to him on tho street
extended his hand, and said, sdmringly:
ar Tom Mcclure you are my kind Of man
want to be your friend You arc tho smartest man
In Frisco VI
smart. but I've made Il my business mover to sceP
bud paper, and on that principle let yours %
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
Tho Pale Fnces"

This is the generic designation OF the white 70 %
slowed by copper eolored brother the noble sse
The Caucasian though many shades lighter is notices
sary pailid But when HIS eutice has the paronsnN
colored tint and his cheeks the hollowness
want Of bodily stamina ne well deserves me .ppe'uon
OF -palo face" These facial indications should s'se"
course Of uos,.,,es stomsch pitters acknowledge
rchablltatOr Of falling strength and renewer Of diiy
substance. Il Is derived exclusively from banjo
,ou,ce. IA MIRA and sr,,ent It's mvgorsting acth 10
prompt. thorough and speedily felt Can the Tx %
said OF most tonicsr Scarcely. Appetite as wen shs
ability to satisfy IT without subsequent discomfort re-
newcd by it. and It erectualy tones the hve' ana o0e~
It ,ortines the system against malaria ana rhepmsA
and remedies nervousness and kidney eonpn'nA
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
ovrpUFARD 1T THE TELEPHONE.

Time 80 a. III. sunday-Gentleman enters drugstore
hurrcdy and gets permission to use the telephone Con-
yersatlon proceeds to this effect:
Hello there, is that -'sT
ANSWER evidently satisfactory
"Is It too late for you take an order for today
forgot all about It last night"
ANSWER evidently satisfactory
want you send two quarts OF ice cream TO NO. -
steenths forgot order It last night and you can
do It now it will get me out OF bad hole"
ANSWER evidently satisfactory
AN right Don't forget it. Much obliged"
Hangs up receiver with satisfied air and tells the drug
gist the sodawsteF" that he considers tho tee-
phone beyond question the greatest invention Of modern
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
SHE WAS NOT sQUAYDERIyd MONEY THAT N1

From The Boston Courier.
It IS sometimes charged that the prices asked py hc
publishers Of dramatic and evolutionary inanuas !, y
csssiye but tale recently poured into the
ing ears Of the Editor by one OF tho guild SHOWS
they find il necessary to have wide margin to provid
against tho Incidental losses
We are accustomed to cheekD Mr.. X OBSERVED "
that manner both classical and breezy which AZ onc
the delight and tho pair OF his friends ana We AT
thoroughly hardened to having our books purolneo ou
tho other day a woman actually managed 10 give US
surprise In this line She came In and asked for par
tcuar recitation. and after hunt OF some twenty nh
utcs the clerk unearthed It in volume We sell for III
teen cents The woman seized upon IL and sat dowr
and began to poro over It, The clerk supposed So
was going to sit there and commit It, but II she ma
that Intention her time presently gavo OUT, ana Sd
mildly asked II she might COPY part OF IT, Inc cier
IS lOngsuffering fellOw-wc all have 10 % LOT tns
matter, in our businessman he said certainly sp
paper That lend was dainty piece OF euphcmisI
and It fetched him that he handed over hrstci9
pad. Then she modestly begged for q pencil az
when he had meekly produced brand new one, 50
sat down and copied every word OF tho recitation o
Well tho Editor observed 1T is to DO hoped So
was grateful"
Grateful - echoed the other. "when she 70
through she gathered herself and. without won.
She walked of with her COPY and tho clerks me-
pencils
You should be thankful tho editorial Coz
mont that she left the book and the pad
"Pm used to their stealing the books. ! cod
havo stood that. but tho pencil gavo me shock IL
cheek OF II was too colossal"
But she left the clerk the other suggested WI
the evident intention Of being as consollng a. %
sibe.
"Yesn Mr.. X remarked with sangy solemnS
{" there is no question but ho was lcft'
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
GENIUS UgRECOGyIzD.
From Tho Chicago Mail.

A dron thing happened Northlarkst. yester.
day morning. On tho thoTOughfare Intioned not fac
from Indlana-st there Is a newsdealts store and on
tho counter yesterday CHANGED to lie copy Of Ople
Reads new book-a book Of which ithances, Messrs.
Ticknor & Co. have not yet sent thauthor his pers
sonal copies. There entered the pesdealcrs abeus
O'Clock big leopinc fellow, who anccd over tho
magazines and newspapers, evidently liking tor some
thing for sunday reading, and who gaze at nrss
rested to the book alluded to. He evcnced q degree
OF curiosity, picked up, glanced at titlo page, and
then turned over tho leaves Of the vame somewhAs
critically. Meanwhile the newsdeale had his eye
upon the visitor. The dealer was I amiabls
man, and bis breakfast had evidently isagrced with
him He glowcred moro and more heely upon tho
Intruder, and finally, unable to stand: any longer,
roared out
See here keep things to sell, poso DO read in
tho store IL YOU want that book b. Il and get
out I II you don't want to It, put IL Own. DON'T
propose to have my goods fumbicd oveand spoiled
Your hear mo !" -
The big mans eyes became tribe hninous, and
lt appeared for q momcnt II no hs mind 70
break tho orator In two wreck tho sto, or some
thing of that sort but the expression chgcd and he
went out OF the place sadly, remarkng abe reached
the sidewalk: am be hanged 4 ~ wr any thing ling
Read, and no hasn't examined his own hooyst
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
PArS POUR BORE"
From Tho Albany Journal.

An Albanian Of ph&nthropo turn of mind
was In the habit Whenever he hired hack TO take
him 10 his homo In the suburbs of giving tho driver
8 or 10 cent piece In add ton to the regular charge
and this he called =" beer money" On one occasion
advocate OF temperance was with the gentleman,
noticed fine bcstowal OF the money and leard the
remark that was beor money" He suggested that
bis friend tell the driver 10 Use the money to get
piece Of pie instead OF glass Of beer Tho phiap-
hoplst undertook TO work the PIE racket" and when
no gave tip the driver the next time said Now,
Pat, do you like pe1D 90 do, sor." Well, here Is
5 cents for you to buy piece OF pic with Il VIII,
sure y said tho driver. The gentleman entered the
depot TO take his train when no happened TO think
he left his in the hack. He went out but could
not ind the vehicle, Finally he discovered what
seemed to DO bis hack In front of saloon Look
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29

- ian, .,orss which have Just visited nave daiioc
three o. ivu sIthoneh am anxious to make can ana
osd on, greatly. You were more ooiging 'nsn 49,
somnetitors and put yourself 70 some .rouoe ,hst
sa and FOR that reason have bought wateh M.
dSt need MY daughter to Be married soon ana you
sbaII furnish the rousseau $500. fran, han,
4 few DAYS afterward received ie1eeI ..y a.a.n
80 ~. On call at his hotel where cormsi reocp
,o and an order for costing 2ooooo snss
swai,ed mo This stroke Of good fortune s' dahs
.s =, an 600 francs after liouidating Gil my ueo
ssp,hstandnr this warning OF the Engiishmsn m0so
Nv ~, one OF the fashionable touevards ana hsa MN en-
up ,Snas for customers But as matter OF prhcpie,
al eif and nv sons have shown wilinghoss "
both ny customers In the smallest matter This has been
-. oorneystone OF my fortune
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
THE FUN OF BEING POSTMASTER.


Last Christmas q lady who lives at ono { tns
hotels in this city sent neckties and scsf PIN
10 a relative in Colorado. They were sent bymais
but did not reach their destination. She went ne
post-offIce hore, but could not get any trace ths
goods she wrote TO her relative I'm Colorad 90.
scrlbng tho ties and pin infinitely. tow daJ aso
shs received letter from her relative saying tht tne
man who was postmaster OF the tonw at thu time
tho goods sent bad donned new suit OF othes,
and also . necke and a scarf pin such ths
lady here had sent and described
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
TRICKS OF THE JUVENILE EAR.

From The Jewish Messenger
That was ght scholar-the little Jewish Sabbas
school boy Of very tender years who, when sskedii
he knew ono of the creeds, said, ayes, God IL Do
mortar II took some time to explain the dlfePece
between mortar and mortal He is doubtless
kindred spirit to the little miss who when askedto
I'D fire. smoke, and liver"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
CURRENT ANECDTES.
BRowy WAS HALF RIGHT; zxHoM.
ON The Washington Critic

From The Washington CrItc.
Jones had married the prcttiest woha in town and
Brown had married. the homelIest andilsght she was
beautiful. One evening they were taklg ABOUT their
II say, Jones, think you and asfed tho two
prcttiest women In town"
Jones Looked at him in surprise snnent, but he
he was serious -
swell" he replied, cautiously, an, Nth pride, X
guess you are about half right, old rG!'
Brown didn't soc the point until old his villa
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
THESE OAR DRIVERS ARE zo,0nITIoAL.

"Talkin bout them women" contued the brake
twisDr as he sat down, " / remembea funny thing.
There was two women standing at ossing and one
OF em waved her hand and stops The car Tbs
got on the car. hope to tell lie or the truth
IL that didn't happen and the drip 1ourfshed his
whip as II be felt Ike thrashng some them w0men'
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29

ing inside no saw Patrick swsliowfnx schooner d
hecr Tho gentleman explained his end to the dri-
Ter and the Ia ter came out and In an atogetc way
no drew hts sleeve across his mouth ss Ike pie
Mr., but tho bartender says IT'S D for mo dyS
popsy go TUX tho beer
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29
PROFOUNDLY ABSORBED.

From Tho Detroit FREQ Piesa
man stood waiting on tho corner OF wooward-eve
and sproat-st. yesterday when grocers wgon came
nm and the driver delivered some goods a'a house,
While he was gone the horse took frgh. al started
OF and az ne cams out and looked aroundae aslsd
Of the lounger:
1Did YOU soc my rgT
81 saw you drive up herc~
"But the horse and wagon are gone
@Yes.n
"Did they run awayf" -
az am not sure, but think they DID,"
"Didn't you SEQ 'em go ?"
"Hnd YOU made no effort TO stop the horse
&c / don't remember that DID,"
"Wcll, you are mighty mean mani" .
Am II Don't do me on injustice. Sir rae -, !
was buried in rejection and didn't take notice olany-
thing Man back here offered mo thirty cents 70 rn9
in a ton OF coal, and was figuring on how 2uld
sub-et tho fob and make q quarter our or serys
sir but wo all have our reflective movements"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-04-29


tects the burden Of responsibilities, the conscien-
tious toll of State business have left their print
on these features and OH the man himself. Cir
cumstances have broJs ht Lord Harrington and
Mr. Chamberlain together, and are likely TO keep
them together There is identity Of opinion be-
tween them on the question which each thinks
most vital 10 the Empire. or real sympathy,
outside Of politics there can be very little They
nre two types, and no community of political con-
viction can make them one.
In the absence of Mr. Phelps who is on the
Atlantic, Mr.. White, American Charge d Afaires
for the next two months, sits on Lord Granville S
left Sedet etcrnumque sedebit, SO far as this
dinner is concerned. lie will not be asked to
rise in answer TO any toast TO his country or
his absent chief. America has to get on tonight
as best she can without recognition by the au-
thorities Of the Devonshirc who have in hand the
official ordering Of this dinner. But have said
enough on that point by telegraph and since there
was not the least intention Of incivility, and
since further, the committee are likely 70 say as
gmuch, the matter may be left where il IS Mr..
White is glad enough to escape from speaking,
and knows that no slight TO him or his country
was meant. Mr.. Colmer. next TO him, is from
Canada and hc too, is relieved from the duty
INF speech. l began TO think / reflected on
gthese peculiar arrangements that the United
States and Canada could not have such great
Si,;terests at stake In this Fisheries Treaty we
'Ihave ali supposed. And perhaps they have not.
"a. There are other notable personsges. Sir Henry
,Jsmes is at Lord Hartington's right band; one OF
,sbe three or four first lawyers in England; ex'
fAttorney-General. with the distinction Of having
sbeen offered by Mr.. Gladstone In 1856 his choice
,between the Home Office and the Lord Chancellor
tsbip and of having declined both in obedience
sso his convictions. He could not Join Home
sIsule Ministry. and did not and has endured
tas best he may the parting with old colleagues
IL you give glance at tho build Of the lowe'
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1888-09-01
The First Man Has No Chance.

In the early days Kline's ranch, in
southwestern Colorado, was famous
stopping place for the stage coaches,
and there was always a goodly and
somewhat diversified assemblage of
passengers around the freside every
evening. One evening tourist, who
had been devoting the summer to
trout fishing in the Cimarron. was
telling some pretty good sized fish
stories to long haired frontiersman,
who while listening was evidently
studying how he might "see" the
tourist and raise him" on the size of
his yarn. The tourist ended. The
frontiersman shifted his quid of to-.
bacco to the other cheek and said
"Well, mister. them was pretty good
size trout We caught, but, Lord! We
should ha' been with me up at the
mouth of the Columby, in Oregon.
Why, we used to catch salmon there
every mornin' that would run all the
way from 80 to $50 pounds For a
moment the tourist was silent; then,
looking sadly at the triumphant
frontiersman, he said: "My friend,
I don't doubt your story in the least.
On the contrary, 1 believe it fully and
implicitly. 1 will only remark that
my experience has taught me that in
Colorado the man who tells the first
story has a darned poor show
HGTper's Magazine.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1888-09-01
CHIEF OF POLICE SALE.

NOTICE is hereby gwen that by virtue
of a warrant issued by the Auditor and
Police Judge of the City of Astoria, in
accordance with an order made by the
Common Council of the City of Astoria,
by Ordinance No. 1047, entitled an Ordi-
nance ordering the Auditor to issue war
rants for the collection of assessments
remaining unpaid on West-9th street, be-
tween Water street and Berry street, ap-
proved July %, 1888. Said warrant bear
ing date the 25th day of July, 1888, COM
manding me to levy upon lot No. in
block No. 115, in the City of Astoria as
laid out and recorded by j. M. Shively to
collect an assessment of eighty-seven and
50-100 dollars, which assessment was
made for the improvement of West=9th
street between Water street and Berry
street by Ordinance No, 1045, entitled an
Ordinance declaring the probable cost of
improving West-9th street from the south
side of Water street to the south side of
Berry street, approved June 18th, 1888,
have this day levied upon lot No. 6 in
block No. liz, in Shively's Astoria, and
on Friday, the 14th day of September, at
10 O'Clock A. M. of said day in front OF
the Court house door in the City of AS
toria, Clatsop county, Oregon, will pro-
ceed to sell lot No. 6 in block No. lis, in
Shively's Astoria, to the highest bidder
therefor, to pay said assessment, costs
and expenses of sale. Said sale to be fol-
U. S. gold coin.
Astoria, August IA, 1888.
w. ]. BARRY,
Chief of Police.