Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1888-05-11

ionaiFe, and when be IS dead his
heirs devise ways to circumvenb his
viii. 1t Is almost enough so discour-
age g man from trying to be q mile
iOnaire.-Texas Siftings.
Bronson Alcott, the Concord School
Philosopher, has left fifty-seven large
bound volumes of diary. He is prob
ably the only man in one hundred
thousand who didn't abandon his
diary when the year was only six
weeks Old.-NOrristOwn Herald.
Lord Erskine. when Chief Justice Of
England, presided once at the Chelms.
lord assizes, when a-case Of breach OF
promise OF marriage was tried before
him. IN which Miss Tiolzeil was plant.
III. The counsel was a pompous
young man named Stanton, who omen.
ed the case with solemn emphasis.
thus: ''Iickelis the plaintiff. nv
lord" when Erskine dryly interrupt
ed him with: ooh, tickle her yourself.
Mr.. Stanton, it would be unbecomine
IN my position.
''John, said Mrs. Brown to B., who
was absorbed in hisnewspaper, you're
forever buried in that old paper. Ali
you used to have plenty to say before
we were married" eyes" retorted
Brown, ''and then you had very little
90 say; but. by Joves you've made up
Tor 1t ever since. New York Sun.
At the Philadelphia station. She
81 don't see why they're always pok.
ing fun at Philadelphia. See all these
people. There is lots going on. He
--'Going On-yes, to New York and
Washington. Life.
"I know it, said the bereaved wild.
over, gloomily, to the friend who was
trying to console him, ''nO amount Of
grievin' will ever bring her back.
ways
If typewriting machines could only
spell correctly they would be in more
general demand in good society. Pic
ayune.
Croesus-How much did you say Mr..
Newgold was down for2 The minister
Five hundred dollars, sir. Crnsus
Put me down for 5000 then.
In a matter of Christian charity
can't stand on a level with an upstart
like hIm.-Puck.
Countryman lat dessert) What
dye call this stuff, waiter? Wait.
er-BIanc mango, sir. COu ntry-
m an should say it was blank
mango; it's blankety blank mango.
Take away your mango and gimme
pie Life.
''My grandfather was so near-sight-
ed that ne couldn't read circus post
ers." That's nothing. Mine was so
near-sighted that he lost his life try
ing to milk a mule"
A Chicago journal used to rhyme
Goethe with teeth, until the Renais-
sance set in, since when it rhymes it
with dirty.
always pay as you 60" said an
old man to his nephew "But, uncle,
suppose have nothing to pay with?"
''Then don t 60"
The Coffin trust is a grave under
taking, but 1t ought to flourish long
enough to provide all the other
trusts" with burial cases.-Phila.
Press.
When a woman loves it's because
she can't help it; that's aIl.-Phila.
Call.
'HOw was your son when you
heard from him last?" "He wrote
me that he was so III he could neither
sit nor stand" ''Then if he tells the
truth he must lie"
Police Sergeant; as the man dan
gerously wounded?" Irish police
surgeon: 1.-TWO of the wounds IRE
mortal; but the third can be cured
provided the man keeps perfectly quiet
for at least six weeks"
'Just think" said Mrs. Walkin to
her maid, ''the very next day after
my new black dress was sent home I
was called to 60 out of town to
funeral Wasn't that nicer" was
the absent-minded reply.
There is a story told in the French
war Office, to the effect that for ten
years a soldier was stationed in the
passage leading to the minister's pri-
vate apartments, with orders not to
let the poole touch the walls. But no
one seemed to understand why this
was done. Now, q new minister OF an
lnquisitiVe turn of mind determined
to find out the explanation of a
circumstance that his fifty predeces-
sOrs had never remarked. But no
one could give him any light, not even
Jl6 CLl6I CLERKS nor SuDOEQluaCfS who
had been IN service half q century.
But q certain doOrkeeper, an old fell
low with a good memory, recOllected
that on a certain occasion a soldier
was placed there because the walls
had been painted. and the minister's
wife had got a spot on her dress. The
paint had dried, but the sentinel had
been left.
me Duke ana the 5isnop.