Connecticut western news., 1888-09-12
HUMOROUS

The mermaid's favorite tune--Nep- tune.
 Breakfast is the proper place to call the roll.
 Europe has several kings who aro total rex.
 It is the mau who pulls for tho shoro who wants tho earth.
 Some men never tumble, even when an idea strikes them.
 In order to look spruce it is not neo. essary to be evergreen.
 Though lawyer may be long winded. his business is usually brief.
 Cathay seems to be poor place for bicycling. The poet says:--"Botter fifty years in Europe than cyclo iu Cathay." ....
 ''Do you know Brown--a dried-up old mani" ''Ycs, know Brown, but the description doesn't fit. He talks necessarily and never dries upi"
 ''Mu,ic," said old Dr. Johnson, 'is the least disagreeablo of all noises." But the piano was not invented, and gutter bands not imported then.
 "The world is minel' exclaimed the tragedian in ''Monte Cristo" and the comedy man, waiting for eight weeks back salary, murmured faintly: ''Cut me off piece of New York, please"
 Tommy shortocash (reading)-"Say, pa, what does tho Latin word 'cx' mean9' Professor Shortocash-"O "Out of, I believe, my son." Tommy "Wcll, you're always exchange, thou, ain't you?"
 ANcw-York correspondent counted IA mlllionaires in group on the piazza of Saratoga hotel. That's nothing; we've seen ono little woman on Sum- mer hotel piazza put on nearly as many airs as that
 A Morning Call---Tubbley (bashfully, and TO moving his hat spasmodically)--- Is Miss Tremmer in2 Maid--- She is; but she'A engaged. Tubbley (who settled things last nighD-.-I know it--- Pm the young man.
 "Aud you saw cordwood for liv- ing2' "Ycs, sir, and it is an honorable employment" ''No doubt, no doubt" "Yes, sir, so honorable that my labors arc universally applauded." Applaud. ed!" ''Yes. My work is always on cord"
 In the country. Miss Travis-"Oh, here you are, MT. Do Smith! Mrs. Raynor says she lost the dinner-horn and doesn't know how to get the men up to dinner. Suppose you go out and stand on the piazza. I think they could hear your necktio as far as tho last meadow
 Pretty Cousia-And what arc you go. ing to do, Bob. when you grow up to be manl Bob-Oh, I mean to be rark policeman and you shall be my nurse. Cousin-But policemen don't havo nurses, Bob. Bob-Oh, don't they, thought That shows you've never been in tho park.
 Disgu,ted bus band (eating breakfast on fifth floor of faD-Msria, what do you call thi,a Wife-That is loaf of Bostonssrown bread of my own baking, John. [John opens window and throws loaf of bread out It kills street-car horse. Great excitement Missile in- spccted by local scientists and unani. mously pronounced an acrolite].
 A bear, wishing to rob beo hivo, laid himself down in front of it and overturned it with hi, paw. 'Now," said he, 'I will lie perfectly still and let tho bees sting mo until they arc ex. hausted and powcrlcss; their honey may then be obtained without opposition" And it was so obtained, but by fresh bear, the other being dead. This mar rativo exhibits ono aspect of tho Fab ian policy splendidly.
 She had gently refused him, and as he turned to go, she said: 'T am very sorry MT. Arbucklc. but soma day you may learn to love one moro worthy of you perhaps than l, and as you go to the gate bc careful of tho dog" ''Care- full of the dos," hs repeated bitterly and he crushed his hat down over his oyes, 'Tve been too careful of him al- ready, aad If he crcssss " palh to-s TIT E Fl l E N ? |1