Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1888-09-24

A thrifty animal is the snake it can al
ways make both ends meet.
The man who never saw railroad ha
never known what it was to hunger for
pass.
A Cincinnati man named Sine has diet
childless. In other words, he died anC
left no Sine.
Question in Geography. Where are
the Sandwich Islands? Near the Knife
and-Falkland Isles.
Philosophy of the Future. Moralist-
Who knows what tomorrow may bring
forth? Positivist-The day after.
| You know, she said as clincher, that
woman is the salt of the earth. Yes, re-
piled he savagely, and the pepper, too.
''Tell ME, little Tommy, what you
ought to say to mamma when she gives
you such a nice piece of cake?" "Give me
another
The next time you buy Sc pair of pan
falcons try and remember the girl who
received six cents for making them-and
pray for her.
Little Bess-Fred, I'm to write COM
position on dogs. Tell me something
about dogs. Master Fred-Well, fieas
are always about dogs.
Physician-You wished me to call mad
am. What is the matter? Lady (reclin-
ing on sofa)-Nothing, doctor; but that
is just what alarms me.
GLOW must take these pills, doctor?"
asked a patient. ''You must take them
in water" Take 'em in water? Why,
we haven't got any bath tub"
The proper time for girl to marry is
after she has counted up her cash and
found that she can support herself in case
her husband turns politician.
Chow do you suppose Mr.. Poorcase
manages to get diamonds for his wife?"
asked lady of her husband. ''Oh, buys
them by the quartz, L presume"
Mamma Cat IL 80 p. m.)-What on
earth has kept you out SO late, daughter?
Daughter-Nothing on earth, mamma,
George and were gazing at the stars.
Wife-I made this pound cake, myself,
John. What do you think of it? Hus-
band-Well, my dear, L think it will run
fully sixteen ounces to the pound.
"Why is it," said husband to his wife,
''that married women, as a rule, are such
terrible gossips?' Because they find such
attentive listeners in their husbands"
the lady replied.
81 hear that Ebenezer Jones is support
ing Harrison and Norton" remarked
Cumso. ''That's just like Eb. JONES'
replied his wife. ''He'd better be support
ing his own family"
Now the good housewife is busily en-
gagged in quitting up fruit" and next
winter her family will be busily engaged
in putting it down Such are some of the
ups and downs of life.
Old lady Ito boy who is tying a tin ket-
tie to dogs tail. Little boy, don't you
know that it is wicked to treat poor
dumb animal so? Little boy-Dumb?
Jest wait till let him go.
''Grandpa, said Teddy, as the old gen
tleman woke up from a lOud-sounding
after dinner nap. eff you'd give your
nose spoonful of paregoric, don't you
think you could put it to sleep, too?"
McQuiden-Do you believe that theo
sophy is remedy for the mundane ills
that clog the esoteric development of our
inner selves? Miss Foote-I don't know.
Mamma always uses goose grease.
Hunter-Have you seen deer pass this
way? You know what deer is like don't
you, boy? Boy-No, | don't. Hunter
Why, something like donkey with short
ears Have you seen anything answering
that description? Boy-Not till you came
along.
Seeing the Elephant A bright little st.
Louis boy, aged seven years, attended the
circus and the next morning electrified
the circle at the family breakfast table
with the inquiry: ''Papa, what does an
elephant have two tails for to keep the
flies off both ends?"