davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21
FULL OF FUN.

Wife (club night)-'!Will you b
homo carly. Johnf" Husband
''Ye'eA ! think 90; but don't kcer
breakfast waiting for mc."-M y
Sum
Tho Man with an Only Son
'What kind Of scholars do you turn
ont at this institution?' Principal
Those who won't study. "-Nev Ha-
cen Nes0s.
We shall sing on that beautiful
shore. tho melodious songs Of the blest.
and the neighbors will no longer roar.
%. lot up. and givo US rest:' Wet
evn HoUmGa
"A London druggist has hit the
popular taste for good bargains. lr
his windows he displays card that
reads: Come in and get twelve cmct.
les fnr one shilling"
-Housekocper negotiating for pair
Of ducks)-..But you don't weigh the
head and feet. do your Butcher
'Oh. yes. madam; we weigh every
thing but the quack. It'd Bits.
-Lady-'.Are these eggs freshr
Smart Boy-(on deck while the boss is
away)-"You bet they are fresh. We
don't salt our eggs We've have had
them on ice right here in the box for
three weeks" "-Critic.
The true meaning Of tho woman's g
suffrage movement il very easy to
see. Woman wants to be first in war.
as we'll as first in peace. and first in
the hearts o. her counirymen. Puck
Mrs ''Thcy say that
Jim Simpkins lost all his money in a
Pharaoh bark IN Now York. l tell
you them Egyptians air g,asping
lot The Ci,il.lrcn of Israel found that
out" -BMriin3soS Fres Press.
The man who was convu'scd with
laughter a. woman trying tn sharpen
q pencil. was soon af.cr discovered
trying to cut . paper pattern by the
united efforts OF pair Of scissors. his
right hand. lower jaw and twO-lhirls
Of his tongue.
Wife (wl0 has been driven nearly
frantic by habit Of hor hasba isD =
John. / rca to-lay about n man ont
in Minnesota whose vito killed him
because he said i want 10 know 50
much" Husband (surpriscd)-"l
want to knOw!' Judge.
will you have the kindness to
give me dime. sir? Iwant 10 estal,-
lish a trust" with ono dinner
How can you do that?' '.If l pay the
barkccpcr for one drink. you sec. he
will trust mo for another. ''lIcro is
your dime. my friend. ! like to en-.
courage trade. ."-Droke's Magazine.
Lady (enteri~x-saisssls saastaaA)
II should like to find out. sir. sOme-
tLing about the condition Of the poor
in this town" E litor -''Well. ma am.
at present we are well supplied with
potatoes and cordwood. but new pair
Of trousers Or spring ovcreoat would
be quito acceptable"
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21
MARRIAGE OF CHILDREN.
An Evil That VIM Coatlnuo Uatu PoroG
AssoPt Their Auehority.

Assert Their Authority.
Recently . boy and girl from Ohio
wandered around for four days
and visited three States en-.
deavoring to end some ono who would
marry them regardless of the fact that
neither was of actual marriageable
age. Their parents had. Of course.
objected. but the boy found full-grown
men willing to aid hmm in scheme to
run away with the girl. and the girl
had tho most active assistance in
avoiding the parental vigilance OF
some full.grown women who sym.
pathizsd with her probably because
they had no little girls OF their own to
misguido in a most important affair Of
life. This boy and girl. after being
thus aided to escape. tried West Vir.
ginia and Pennsylvania. but failed 10
get license to marry. Then they re.
turned to Ohio and could not get any
one to marry them there. In dcsper-
alton the boy telegraphed for his
fathers consent. which, he didn't get.
and the girls brother turned up and
did her the good service to take her
home.
The failure of these children 10 got
married is very discouraging to them
and to those who abcttcd them. but Il
is most encouraging 10 society. 1t is
crcditablc that in three States they did
not succeed in finding any one willing
10 aid in making them miserable for
life. but they had the good fortune not
to strike New Jersey. II boy was 10
be sent 10 school tho matter would be
important enough to employ the fam
lily judgment; il hc wanted to buy
shotgun or dog or a suit Of clothes.
he would get the advice I his friends;
but when hc starts out to get married
he generally displays very small dis
position to consult either his n
jud gment or that Of any body else
who has any sense TO spare. II the
girl wanted to buy a new spring hat
all her friends would be called TO con.
suit about the color of tho ribbons.
and they would warn her against this
or that; but when she wants to dispose
Of herself for life against her parents
wishes her friends warn her against
nothing They turn in and help her
10 escape from homo and plunge into
svery possibl. misery.
These things have been done time
and time again. and they will continue
to be done. although there are enough
horrible examples known to every
body to be sufficient warning 1t is
useless to moralizo on such things
Tho responsibility is upon those who
arc oldex- - while i'll playing
with their dolls. arc male to believe
that getting married. is tbs whole OF
life. There arc grown women who
devote themselves to teaching such
things who assume tho responsibility
of making matches regardless Of tho
character and fitness of tho parties.
and they do it with less concern for
tho result than they would have in
matching yard Of ribbon. where they
would exact perfect harmony. Tho
ma, cl,. makers make the mistakes and
children havo to suffer tho consc.
quenccA This will continue to be 50
until all children learn that their bcst
friends arc their parents. nts.-In;ladeI.
phio Presa
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21

General Crook stands six feet In
his stockings. and is as straight As an
arrow. He has been thirty-six years
in the service. -
While Banker Corcoran was on
his death bed he drew check for $500
for the widow of n young man who bad
committed suicide.
Cornelius VandcrbilA's income
from his capital is said TO be in the
neighborhood of e1.OOO.OOO a month.
while that Of William X is not far be-
hind it
An English lord recently kept his
birthday in 4 novel manner by invit-
ing his friends TO receive tn. Holy
Communion with him. About sixty
responded.
Mrs. Eliza Chappell POrten who died
the other day at the age Of eighty. is
sincerely mourned in Chicago. She
taught the first school in that city. and
her husband. Dr. Jeremiah Porter,
preached the first sermon,
Senator ingalls, has had eleven chill
drcn. seven of whom survive. The
names given to his offspring have been
somewhat peculiar: Ellsworth. Ruth.
Ethel. Ralph, Addison. Constance.
Sheffield, Faith. Marion. Muricl, Lou
isc.
A New York lady who recently
gave a ball is said to have hired u per:,m-
bulatory coffee and cake vcnder to take
his stand in the street and distribute. at
her cost. cake<, coffee and chocolate to
the hack drivers and to all others wait
ing on her invited guests.
Mrs. Alice J. Shaw. the musical
whistler. speaking of her CAREER, said
recently: IL was a whistling girl. and
my friends always told me that il l
would cultivate my talent l would find
"a fortune in it. have not found tho
fortune vet. but my success has been
beyond any thing ever dreamed Of"
-Boulanger visited the United States
in 1881. He came over hero rs the
chief of the French mission for the celc-
bration Of the centenary Of Yorktown.
He says that it is pet idea of his to
make another visit to America for the
purpose Of studying our form Of gov
ernment He expresses the opinion
that the United States is model Re
public. and says that his highest ambi-
ton is to give France such a cOnstitu-
tion as ours
There Is often wonder expressed
how Chaunccy Nj. Depcw can stand the
strain Of attendance night after night
on dinner parties. public and private.
The mere task of eating and drinking.
let alone making speeches. would use
Neesslinssy men in Z 0hrt time. His
secret is to eat sparinsly and to drink
only one kind of wine. II he starts in
with clarct. he drinks nothing else. II
it is sau;erne. then sauternc becomes
the favorite for the night. and SD with
champagne. He likes champagne tn c
better. but claret likes him and agrees
with him better than any other.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21
"a LITTLE NONSENSE"

Try buttermilk for the removal Of
tan and walnut stains and freckles. II
that is not eilicacious, try sand-papcr.
Puck
"A Darlington girl is learning to play
the cornet, and her admirers speak oi
her rs ..the fairest flower that blows J"
burlington Free Press.
Fair rfriend--"And do you ever soak
your brushes. MIR. Palettc?" Artist
"No. I'm happy to say never was
reduced so low as tina. ."-Harrard
Lampoon.
-"What made the Tower Of Pisa
lcan?" because of the famine in
the land" said small boy who got
the tower confused with Joseph's bretll-
| rcn.-7he Teacher.
A Chicago man who had grown
rich selling hams built country seat.
but had some difficulty in finding -
name TO suit. A friend suggested that
he call it the All-hambra. 81
How soft the moonlight sleeps up
on the bank!" exclaimed the poetic
burglar. toying with his drill. Il wish
the same might be said Of the watch
man." replied his companion.
The rcnny's mighty" quoted the
tramp. rs he pleaded for the price Of n
nights lodging. Guess the swar,l
will do you tonight" growlcd the un-
poetic Bobby. as he vanished in the
gathering dusk.-LUc.
-Swcl!-.Im going TO resign from
my club" Fricnd-..I thought you
liked i: 50 much" Swell-..Uscd To
be MI right. but society is getting too
mixed. Why. mr. my pawnbroker
there TIE other nightT'-Na1cr's Nag.
dziHe.
"A woman h ad her picture. with
others. in adaily paper under the head
in. ..Lsi~r's Female Colnrts;" AMI.
in rcmarkin. Historically tina, she had
never been Il co.iort in her life. took u
her bed and .lida't rise for three weeks
Judge.
"A High Oilice.-"What does your
father do?" asked the teacher Of tho
ucW X1c , u WAY
the reply. "a railroad contractor?"
mo ma am. a sausage contractor. He
ties up the ends after another man has
filled them. It'd Bits.
Sunday School Teacher-"What
does it mean. Johnny. in the prayer
where it says LEAD MS not into temp
tation." Johnny-''W'y ! guess it
means. they needn't trouble themselves
because we can 60 into it ourselves
without leaalin'." ."-Critie.
-Atthe close Of a recent performance
at the opera house. and while the crowd
was retiring. lady's garment was
caught in seat A gallant Irishman
rushed to the rescue. and asked the
trouble. My lace is caught" she
said. "nould ON a bit. lady," said
he. "and Ill relase ye.". -Bsnscs
Commercial.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21
ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE

MSS Mary. aroused by the knells
Vi oabbafh's sweet silvery kbella
Proceeded in search
OF her favoritc chearch
ana found it-as history ktells.
ANA then. as she entered the aisle.
An usher advanced with smaislr
And showed her pew
That gave her the vcw
One wanted-of fashion and staisle
The preacher he gave out hymn,
ana Mary, who sang it with wynn,
Stood up like the choir
So she could admoir
The dresses aroufid her so trymn.
The preacher he prayed in his guise,
ana Mary she peeped with her cuiso
Through the crcvices OF
Her dainty kid glof
Al oonncts as high-as the skuise.
The preacher a sermon he said.
And Mary kept turning her haid
To see what she could
But those who were gould
Just listened Is il they were dad.
sc he services closed with psalm,
Ana MARY she thought, "Well, palm
Quite pleased on the whole
feel IN my wsole
Muco better. know I'm plalmr'
~ III. &. Dojge. in Dsfrof Free Press.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21

"A man in Come cticut has eaten
fifty.,hrce raw eggs in an hour OH a
wager. lie offers to challenge any
one ON a fivc-iozcn-egS eating mahh
within the samc time
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21

"A Battle Creek young man inocu-
lated himself with the dreadful dis
ease by striking = glandered horse in
the mouth with the back of the hand.
an abrasion being made by the ILL
tempered blow.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1888-07-21

While the Kansas women are max.
ing laws and drawing salaries with
great success tho men seem to bo de-
voting their enersiea to hunting horse
thieves Four were lately hung in
one day. and more will soon follow
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
For the Herald. |
4 ME MO Y.

Grey dusk has changed to golden dawn
As drift Yer memory's sea,
And forth from the ashes of long gone years
The past comes back to me-
Again / stand on the sunlit sand
While the waves wash on the shore,
And your arms are clasped around me- love,
As they will clasp no more.
Grey dusk is deepening into dark
But one long line of white
Across the misty western sky
Divides the day from night.
Once more your lips and mine have met
All, sweet the kisses given
The white dies out of the western sky,
Alas for my lost heaven
DIXIE.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Australian Helps"
alleged ads in Victoria paper. !

| NAueSSU aus III NlclOrla Daper.I
| Wanted-An amiable and high toned
| family consisting of delicate and shrinking
| elderly widow who is small eater any way
| and has her meals sent in from restaurant,
secure a comfortable home with a supe-
rior cook. No notice taken of families who
| give dinners or who fail to take nicked china
in a truly Christian spirit. Address Earnest
Worker" forwarding credentials authentica-
ted by clergyman.
Wanted-An industrious and hard working
family who do their own cooking, washing,
ironing, ashes sitting, dressmaking, mending,
dusting, sweeping, nursing, whitewashing,
housecleanmg, carpet beating, fancy work,
chamberwork, preserving, knitting, painting
in oils, scrubbing, wax fruit and care Of the
COW, and who have an agile hired man to make
fires, fill lamps, snuff candles, exercise the
pugs, clean the silver, run for the doctor.
wind the clocks, tend door and shoe noctur-
nal cats off the back fence, can hear of a good
opening with a lady whose speciality is gem
eral housework. Address "Overtasked.n
Wanted-A winning and modest appearing
male baby, months old, of unexceptionable
moral character, would like to avail himself
Of the advantages of a nurse. Baby's name
is mostly "Tootsey-W Wootsey- Mammals Pet.n
but it can be changed to "Bub," if that seems
to come handler. Can refer to seventeen
nurses now in the lunatic asylum with whom
he has lived during the past four weeks. Ad-
dress "Little Angel"
Wanted-A graceful and accomplished
family that moves in the best circles and has
no poor relations that come to the house will
be permitted to allay itself with a select
waitress; must furnish satisfactory pedigree.
Apply in applicants own handwriting. No
notice taken Of letters not stamped with a
"crest." Families that did not come over
with William the Conqueror will be repulsed
with scorn. Address Department"
Wanted-A chambermaid who is about to
form matrimonial relations would like to
procure situation for really deserving and
well behaved family, which has lived with
her for the last twelve years. This is a rare
chance for chambermaid in search of a
family that keeps its place and never gives
impudence. Salient sketch Of family and i'm
perial group picture furnished on application.
Address "Orange Blossoms. = Cor. New
York Tribune.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Ananias at Work.

A Missouri man says that he recently went
into the woods, painted black circle ON the
end of a log, and when he went back to the
log an hour later he found 800 dead rabbits
there, the animals having mistaken the circle
for hole in the log and dashed themselves
to death against it. Since the story has ap-
peared in print he has received letters from
the publishers of several New York dailies,
offering him the position of affidavit clerk,
his duties being to swear to the circulation.
But he says he cannot tell a lie.-Norristown
Herald
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Never Heard of Sullivan.

Cowboy-Who is this man Sullivan the
papers are talking about?
Omaha NANNY starsl Haven't you
heard of Sullivan, the great prize fghter?'
'Fights, eh! I'd like to see him. b..
eyes, he's knocked out more men thanr--
"Knocked outs What's thatF'
"With his fists, You know"
"Great Buffalo Bill Who wants to bother
with fists in these days of hair triggersF'--
Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Larry Jerome Emulates Henry Bersh.

Larry Jerome tells good story on himself
in this wise: On his recent trip to the south
he was walking along country road he
came upto long, lank, ague shaking native,
who was mired in the clay with his two
wheeled cart. His mule was tugging with
might and main, while the fellow was beat
ing him over the back with an old wagon
spoke. Mr.. Jerome is tender hearted regard
ing brute creation and Indignantly pro-
tested:
"Here, you white ivered, measly whelp,
what are you beating that mule in that inhu-
man way for9 Why, you are worse than Ba-
laam.n
"'Cos got er bigger ass talkin' ter me-"
Whack! whackl pingl whackl bifl and the
mule with a superhuman effort lifted the cart
out of the clay.
"Yeou doan't know any more bout mules
then yeou dew bout mindin' yer own busi-
ness" shouted the native. as be drove off,
New York Evening Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Acute Perception.

An English writer observes that the sense
OF hearing in some birds seems as wonderful
and discriminating as that of smell in dogs.
A thrush has been seen to listen for worms,
and very evidently to hear them, too, though
within two yards of noisy lawn mower; +;
while robins appear to be able to distinguish
the voices of their own offspring and parents
from number of others, and at g. great dis
tance. 1t is suggested that such cases indi-
cate the Exclusive direction of the attention
OF sensen rather than mere keenness. Ar
kansaw Traveller.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Getting a Pleasant Expression.

Photographer Ito sitter)--I saw you at
church last Sunday, Miss Smith.
Sitter-Oh, did yous
Photographer-Yes, and also your friend
Miss Brown-if you could raise your chin a
trile, thanks-and what an atrocicls looking
hat she had on. tAfter pause. There,
Miss Smith, it is over, and think we have
caught a very pleasant expression New
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Striking a Balance.

Bagley-Ha, Gagley, squaring up accounts
for the years
Gagley (gloomily)-Yes.
Bagley-Hope you come out WELL
Gagley-Well, I've put $4,000 into the
bank.
Bagley-That isn't so bad don't see why
you look SO gluln.
Gagley-Dont eh! Why, confound it, I've
drawn out over S13. .OO0-Life.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Scheme for SwindIing Farmers.

The latest scheme to swindle the farmer is
being perpetrated under the guise of a So
called society to prevent the killing of birds.
man invades the rural home, talks glibly
about the good beingdone for the farmer by
the birds, and ends by asking him to sign q
pledge not to kill bird in twelve months.
The pledges, with a little manipulation, turn
up in the way of promissory note and
make tro1bie- Chicago News
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
A Good Reason.

Justice-Your testimony as to the prison
er's character isn't complete. I want to
know about the last five years. Haven't you
been living in his neighborhood?
Witness-Not two blocks from him.
Justice-Ahl Well, now, what can you
tell rs about him for-say the last year!
Witness-Nothing, your honor.
Justice-Why not, sirs
Witness-Because / was in jail-Phila-
delphia Call.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Was it Sa1tonstaIFs Joke?

Life would be very dreary for Mr.. S. N.
Dyer, Jr., private secretary of Collector
Saltonstall, if he could not have a little fun
once in a while; hence the issue by him yes
terday of the following notice:
'In accordance with department orders,
the custom house will be closed on the first
day Of January next
This order was received during the day by
the different heads of departments and by
them formally turned over to their clerks
to promugate. The effect on the EMPLOYEES
was electric. All were highly pleased, but
they could not understand the motive that
prompted this seeming iberality of the gov
ernment; for it is not, and never has been.
the custom to close the Offices ON New Years
Day.
After while, one clerk who was brighter
than the rest observed that JAM falls on
Sunday, and ventured to suggest to the sec
retary that he appeared to have made an
error in writing Jan. 1, when he meant
Jan. g
But it wasn't an error; it was only a Joke.
Custom house clerks are not SO happy as they
were.-Boston Transcript.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
The Full PROGRAMME.

Omaha Mamma-Mercy on mel What
does all this racket mean on Sunday? And
you've got ali your dolls out, too
Little Dot-You said we might play church.
do you call all this gable and laughter
churchf'
No, mamma; church is just over and the
folks is goin' home. Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Herd of RuHaIo.

Here's news for those sportsmen who are
anxious to get shot at buffalo before they
disappear from the continent. The CHEYENNE
Leader says that herd of 200 has been found
in the Big Horn mountains. Pity the whole
herd couldn't be saved and protected by the
government
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
In Small Quantities.

Chicago Drummer TO stranger)-W hat line
of goods are you selling, srl
Stranger with dignity)-I'm lawyer. 1
sell brains
Chicago Drummer-Ah, yes Retail, l
s'pose-New York Sun
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
A Bachelors Christmas.

First Bachelor-Did you have happy
Christmas
Second Bachelor-You bet did. One Of
my shirts came back from the laundry with
all the buttons off.-Omsha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Next TEiur IN II

Guest Ito lapdlordl-I say, landlord, have
you got such thing as an encyclopedia about
the house?
Landlord-No, sir, we have not; but there
is a gentleman from Boston in the reading
room.-Harper's Bazaar.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
All Buckle! Stay Buckledi

ut BuckIe! Stay BuckIedI
Though fat and sere,
He loved his dear
With HIS, KS, and Qs;
But, to he sure.
When she got poor,
He offered his excuses.
When times were good -
This lover would
Enrich his love with toffee:
But now, alas!
It's come to pass
She takes it out In coffee,
Slaughter in the panl Draw onel
-Burdette in Brooklyn Eaglo.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Poverty and Progress.

Starving Supplicant-Pl Please, sir, wsuldn't
you be willing to buy dog to help poor
man alongs ] have two more than Iced. =.
Well Fed Clerk-Very sorry, but can't
afford to keep dog.-Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
Beauty in Washington.

Washington Editor-A pretty mess you've
made of that ball. What do you mean, sir,
by calling Mrs. Rednose ''distractingly
beautiful!'
New Rep&ter-You told me could get all
the points l needed from last years files, and
she was called "distractingly, beautiful in
every report last season.
"You'd better keep posted on the history of
your native country, sir. Last year Mr..
Rednose was chairman of the committee on
public pap; this year he's on ventilation and
acoustics, and near the tail end at that
Omaha World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1888-02-02
The Irrepressible Tourist.

. Lady-Your clothes are very ragged.
Can't do some sewing for your
Iramp-Yes, madam; you may sew an
oyercoat on this button, if you please. 1t
seems to feel the need of society.-Drift.