davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-11-01
HUMOROUS.

Instantaneous photography han
been perfected until it is now pos
sible to take a messenger boy in his
flight-Puck.
-Excitable Old Gent" Waiter,
here's q roach in my SOUP" Waiter
THAT'S nothing. The gentleman at
the next table found three in his"
Barber (desirous to please)-
'.How would you like your hair cut.
sir?" Customer Cnnocently)-"First-
rate. That's what l came in here
for"
-Bicarbonate of soda pays three
fourths Of one cent pound, which will
not make much difference, except for
those who are compelled to bicarbon-
ate in large quantities.--Tezas Sift-
ings
When a Cincinnati husband was
asked in court if he dragged his wife
out of bed by the hair he said he
couldn't really remember, as that was
a very busy morning with him--De-
troll Free Press.
Next to having her young man
come to see her Thursday evening. q
girl likes best to stand on the sidewalk
and look at the engagement rings
shown in q first-class jewelers. win
dow.-Somerriu Journal.
Longevity! l should say long
evity did run in the family" said Mrs.
Spriggins. why. John was six foot
two, Bill was six foot four. and George.
he had more longevity than any man
l ever see. He was six foot seven II
he was a foot"-Havper's Bdzdr.
The gentlemanly dry-goods clerk
met the popular shoe salesman emerg-
ing from a savings bank and did not
attempt to disguise his surprise. 20,
I always visit that bene6cent institu-
ton twice a month";" explained the
popular shoe salesman; "once TO put
in money and once to take it out. -
Buffalo Express.
"A gentleman Of this city in mod
crate circumstances was recently so
licited to sign q bail bond with an
other party. When questioned by the
magistrate he was asked II he was .
real estate owner. He responded that
he was, and without further question
ing was accepted. As the gentleman
associated with him on the bond
reached tho street he remarked. "H-.
/ didn't know you owned q foot Of
real estate Pray. where IL It situatedP
'.In the Mount Hope Cemetery. ]
have lot there twenty feet By ten. "
replied the other.-Bostos Budget
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-11-01

Historian Bancroft visited Mrs.
Polk at Nashville, Tenn, not long ago
and borrowed the late Presidents state
papers. He returned them to her few
days ago with a note in which he said:
II hope my life will be spared to COM
plete my history 10 the close of your
husbands Administration. That will
close my life work. l am engaged
with corps of type-writers and clerks.
and l believe l. viii be able to accom-
plish the task.
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-11-01
MARITAL INFELICITY.

A Humorous Discussion Of the Compiler
tions OF Married Existence.
The subject of matrimony takes up
a great deal Of space in the journals
and magazines Of the present day. 1t
also appears from the columns Of the
daily papers that matrimonial felicity
is on the wane. Matrimony. acrimony
and then alimony seem to follow each
other in natural consequence. This Is
getting to be SO well understood that
marriages are becoming less and less
frequent every year. while the divorce
mills are kept grinding day and night.
With some married couples the hon
eymoon is exceedingly brief. Before
it is half over the disappointed hus-
band feels inclined to cowhide the min
lister who married him.
The alleged causes for the husband s
dissatisfaction are various. With one
it is failure to persuade his wife to
try the early-closing movement on her
mouth.
A Western man retires to his cy-
clone cellar when the house-cleaning
season sets in and stays there until it
is over. Other husbands charge that
wives are too extravaganza; and this is
probably the cause of more domestic
infelicity than all the other ofenses
put together. Some husbands COM
plain because their wives don't cook,
while others lament because their wives
do cook.
The dissatisfied wives allege that
after marriage they notice a falling of
in affection and consideration due them
from their husbands. The young man
who rides fifteen miles in a snow
storm to see his girl frequently refuses
after matrimony to get up and give the
baby dose of paregoric.
Then. again, husbands come home
late from lodge meetings and have to
be pushed upstairs. There are other
husbands who are stingy. A Texas
woman AYERS that she would rather
have the nightmare six straight nights
in the week than tell her husband that
the -four barrel is empty.
Then, again. there are cynical men
who never marry. They maintain that
marriage is merely female despotism,
tempered with buildings; that the voy-
age on the ocean of life would be very
nice with wife if they had any assur-
ance that the ocean would be the Pa
ciic. A unique reason for remaining
single was that given by New York
club man. He said he would rather
live an old bachelor than to marry and
take the risk of raising boy who
might play on the accordion; while
another selfish old scoundrel said that
he could not see the good of giving half
of his victuals to woman to spoil the
other half by trying to cook them.
OF course, these matrimonial COM
plications only occur in civilized coun-
tries. In Thibet, for instance, Nor
monism is reversed. There half a
dozen men are married to one woman,
and when all the husbands are seen
racing through the streets, that means
she has intimated that she needs new
bonnet.
However. returning to the subject OF
domestic infelicity in our own country.
although cynical old bachelors may
turn up their noses, if men were as
good. as true and as faithful as women
are, the country would be paradise.
comparatively speaking. - Ate1. E.
SUeet in TEXAS Sifkin1S
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-11-01
PERSONAL AND LITERARY.


-viscount Cranbrook. lord presi.
dent Of the English Council. prides
himself on never having through his
long life read novel
Oliver Wendell Holmes IL doctor
Of medicine. and has made moro money
out of the practice Of that profession
than he has by the sale Of his numer-
Gus and popular books.
The popular writer for the juve-
nile magazines whom the little folks
love rs e" MEgaret Sidney" Is known
outside of literature as Mrs. Daniel
Lothrop. wife Of the Boston publisher.
Mrs. Margaret J. Sangster. the
poet and reader for the Harpers, Is q
woman above medium height, gentle
hammered. smooth-browed. unrufaed.
very pleasant to look upon. You
would call her at first glance well-bal-
anced, and repeat the phrase when you
knew her better.
Edmund Yates says of the late
Prof Richard A Proctor: "As q lect-
urer he was unsurpassed. His fugitive
articles. conversations, and letters
have familiarized outsiders with the
deepest thoughts OF experts. A potent
force and stimulating factor is ex-
tinguished."
MIR. Whittier has recently said to
a friend that there were draw backs to
his enjoyment of the scenes he so hap
PLY described in ''Snowbound." They
recall to him his sufferings from cold.
the snow beating through the crevices
of his fathers house and falling on his
head. His lack of robust health he
attributes to the privations Of those
days.
One of the bright women Of this
country is Miss Cora Benneson, Of
Quincy, Ill. She was graduated with
high honors at the University Of Mich
igan, and afterward received the de-
gree of LII. b. cum lamde from the same
institution. She has been around the
world, most OF the way alone. and has
spent some time roughing it in the
Rocky Mountains. She now holds
fellowship in Byrn Mawr College.
Pennsylvania
The well-known poem, ''Curfew
Shall Not Ring Tonight" was CONE
posed by Rose Hartwick. Of Litchfield.
Mich, at the age of sixteen. After
arranging and altering several times
she finally threw it aside as unsatis-
factory. Three years afterwards. be-
ing Ill and pressed for copy" by the
Detroit Commercial advertiser, she
sent the cast-off ''Curfew," with an
apology for its inferiority. It immedi-
ately became famous, greatly to her
surprise, but not one cent to her Pc
cuniary advantage.
AT the age of thirteen Bryant had
become somewhat famous as q poet,
and when between the ages OF four
teen and fifteen he wrote the we'll
known Embargo" he was recog-
nized as something extraordinary. and
people were fain to doubt its author.
ship. Aided by the beauty of the
scenery surrounding his home. his
poetical genius grew rapidly, and
soon the Berkshire hills were immor-
talized in "Thanatopsis." las rock
ribbed and ancient as the sum-" This
poem. written when the poet was but
nineteen, was, like the Embargo"
seemingly so far beyond his years.
that it was sometimes credited to the
poets father, Dr.. Bryant
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-11-01

MIR. Sampson (dnishing song)-
"Do you know, Miss Smith. that I am
always saddest when I sing?' Miss
Smith (gently)-"I feel very much
that way myself. Mr.. Sampson. Mr..
Sampson-'.Ah. then you. too. sing
sometimes?" Miss Smith-"No. !
never sing "-Iime.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
BELLIES OF BURMAH.
The Dress and Ornaments Worn by the
Ladies' of the Upper Glass.

The Dress and Ornaments Worn by the
Ladies' of the Upper Glass.
The dress of the Burmese lady is
simple and elegant. They wear the
silk loongyee. as the men do. over their
lower limbs, and which is simply
tucked in at the waist. They wear a
finer and thicker silk than the men. of
Il smaller check pattern. A sleeveless
injee, jacket, close-fitting and worn
high at the neck, serves to cover the
upper portion of the person. This
injee is generally made of fine cloth
or velvet, and is ornamenued with gold
buttons and lace as the taste of the
wearer dictates. With young women of
position it is Indispensable that the
bosom be completely covered. Their
beautiful long hair is combed back of
their foreheads, which are broad and
low, bangs not being in fashion there,
and deity twisted in n coil at the
back of their shapely little heads. then
fastened in its place with deliberately
carved, high tortoise-shell combs, aided
by pins of the same material or of gold.
They wear golden nadaing. Il neck
let, of beautiful workmanship, around
their neclls. hanging down in two or
three rows. Golden padoung, brace
lets of massive form and eXquisitely
chased with figures of beasts, birds.
reptiles, etc. real and NEUROLOGICAL.
adorn their arms and wrists. Anklets
of gold and silver are sometimes. but
not universally. worn. Their most
curious ornaments are, however, their
ear jewels. They are made of massive
gold and consist of two pieces of tubu-
lar shape, fitting closely one into the
other, the outer ends being closed with
a sort of cap carved in various pat
terms. The girls ears have long Sits
cut in the lobes when they are children
about four years of age. The men also
have their ears cut in this fashion
when of an earlier age. Dainty slip
pers of soft leather. with pointed toes,
and ''down at heel" cover their small.
bare feet. They are innocent of stock
ings, and their feet are as carefully
attended to as are their hands. the
nails of both being carefully pared and
trimmed. Burn1dh Letter tn San Fran
cisco Chronicle.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
RABYHOOD.


Heigh-ho. Babyhood! Tell me where you linger;
Let's toddle home again, for we have gone
astray-
Take this eager hand of mine and lead me by
the finger
Back to the lotus lands OF the Far-awayl
Turn back the leaves OF life-don't read the
story
Let's find the pictures and fancy all the rest;
We can I'LL the written pages with brighter
glory
Than old Time the story-teller, at his very
best!
Turn to the brook where the honeysuckle.
tipping
Ger its vase of perfume, spills it the
breeze.
And the bee and humming bird in ecstacy are
slipping
From the fairy fagons OF the blooming locust
trees.
Turn to the lane where we used to "teeter-
totter,''
Printing little foot-palms in the mellow
mold
Laughing at the lazy cattle wading in the water
Where tho ripples dimple round the butter
cups OF gold
Where the dusky turtle lies basking on the
gravel
OF the sunny sand-bar in the middle of the
tide,
And the ghostly dragon fly pauses in his trave
To rest like a blossom where the waterllly
died
Heigh-ho Babyhood! tell me where you linger;
Let's toddle home again, for we have gone
aStray-
Take tuis eager hand of mine and lead me by
the finger
Back to the lotus lands of the PARKWAY.
james Whacon6 Riley, in Washington Critic.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
Afraid of Vampires.

The Pesther Lloyd reports from Bel
grade a case of superstition which al
most had n fatal result. The police
found lying in the street the body of a
man apparently frozen to Heath. Eff
forts to revive him failed, aud his iden-
tity having been ascertainod, he was
handed over TO his family for inter
ment- The cemetery was n ~Onsidera-
BILE way distant, and. as it was being
reached. the driver of the hearse told
the priest who attended for the re-
ligious service. that he heard some
noise in the coffin. The clergyman and
others drawing near also heard the
noise. and all ran away lest vampire
should issue from it and attack them.
The driver, terrified at finding himself
alone, turned about and drove the
hearse to the nearest police station.
By this time a knocking was distinctly
audible. The coffin was forced open
and the man was found alive. but in 8
very exhausted state.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
The COWBOY cossAcKs;


Following Fortune Through the FIamess
Story of the Great Wars OF To-day.
When the Grand Duke Alexis of Russia
visited the United States he was captivared
by the wild life of the far western plains
md took great fancy to the cowboys, who
reminded him Of the famed Cossacks OF his
own country. There Were three COWBOYS
of whom he became SO fond that he In
yited them to visit him in Russia. One OF
them was Jacques Dardeville, from New
Orleans; another was Robert Macy, from
Nantucket, and the third was Rory O'Brfen.
who came from Dublin when a baby They
all had nicknames, Da-deVille's being
Daredevil Jack" Macy's >, Buckaro Bob"
and O'Brien's Little Bricks" from his
small stature and gamy qualities in a rowe
These cowboys liked the Grand Duke so
well that they resolved to accept his invita-
ton. and as soon as they could get ready,
they went to Russia, and hearing that
Alexis was In Moscow. they fastened thith-
er. Shakespeare's Macbeth was to be played
at the theater in English on the evening OF
their arrival, and they went to see It
General Skobeleff, the celebrated SWhite
General" he was called, who was the
idol OF the Russian army, was present, aud
Daredevil Jack, Buckaro Bob and Lite
Bricks happened 20 sit in the parquet nears
him and his friend General Krapotlxin- :
Skobeleff, who had been told much by tb05
Grand Duke of his cowboy friends, sur.
missed who they were
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
A HEATHEN TATTOO.
How It Proved a Remarkably
Lucky Thing for Me.

One day over thirty years ago, rs III
ship. the Three Partners, was lying in
the harbor at Rangoon waiting to dis
charge cargo, a native boat in which
were three people met with an accident
while drawing near us, and the occu-
pants were thrcwn into the water.
was at the moment on the ships bow
spirit. and without taking a second
thought l dropped into the water and
seized an old man who had gone down
for the second time and was almost
done for. A rope was thrown me from
the ship, and after II good deal of trou-
BILE the old chap was lifted over the
rail and brought back to life. The two
other men were swept away and
drowned. But for the fact that the
captain of the ship was my brother,
the mate would probably have broken
my head as l regained the deck. A
madden man never saw.
why. you Internal. good-for-noth-
ing idiot!' he roared as he danced
around me. 1.-The idea of your jump
ing overheard among the sharks and
crocodiles to save the life of con-
temptible heathenr'
At that time. and presume it is still
the case, the life of common Siamese
was of no more value than that of
dog in the eyes of white men. 1t was
my first voyage to those waters, and
was also young and impulsive.
''See here, young manr' continued
the mate after he had exhausted his
stock of curses, and as l walked to the
port quarter and looked over into the
muddy waters the head of crocodile
WAS plain to be seen.
The native whom had rescued was
An old man. at least sixty. He had a
venerable. dignitied look, and was evil
IDENTIFY man of much intelligence. He
could speak English fairly well, and,
as soon as he was able to talk, he took
me by the hand and said:
The white people are born brave; I
would not have done it, had been a
young man, for one of you. can do
nothing to reward you. l had wealth.
but it went to the bottom of the harbor
when the boat was wrecked.''
/ told him that no reward was ex-
pected, or would have be en- received, if
rendered. and that / would get the cap
tiin's permission to pull him to the
shore. He looked at me for a couple of
minutes. still holding my hand, and
finally asked if 1 had India ink and
needles. When brought them to him
he told me to bare my breast, and he
slowly and carefully pricked into my
flesh right over the breast bone, sign or
token. of which the following is u copy:
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19
They Deserved the Bounce.

al suppose" said one travelling man
To another. ''that horse makes that
peculiar noise because it is his neigh
ture to do SOL
Yes" was the response, land the
mules remarks are owing entirely to
his bray-zen effrontery."
The head of the firm overheard them
and discharged them Merchant
TrGUeier.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19

Vhe right and left hand figures may
be capital as" and the middle one an
inverted capital ''V." He was won
Grously swift with his work, and was
evidently an adept. When he had COM
pleted his task he said:
IL offer you this rs a reward. If YOU
ever need help in India show this
sign" If was four or five hours after
the rescue that he was pulled ashore,
and no one aboard the ship knew of
the sign he had left behind While I
felt certain in my own mind that was
connected with native Free Masonry.
and was given to me in all earnestness,
10 have shown it to the crew would
have been to make me butt of ridi-
cule. The ink was pricked in so
deeply that the punctures We're much
longer in healing than those made in
sailor work, and when the wounds
were healed the sign stood out rs bold
and plain as if put on with black paint.
In due time the ship was unloaded,
received her cargo. and sailed for
Boston, at which port she arrived
safely. i had the misfortune to break
my leg before we had reached our slip,
and consequently did not make the
next voyage. Instead, made VOYAGE
to Liverpool and return. went back to
Liverpool and was paid off, went to
Singapore before the mast. and there
Joined an English Government survey
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19

Kaiser William left little fortune
of SO, 600. 600. He was little less than
half as rich as Vanderbilt. and almost
as rich as Jay Gould Queen Victoria
has thirty or forty millions
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19

If the team has weak horse. give
him the advantage of an inch Oh TIVE
Of the doubletree.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-04-19

The child laborers of New York
City number about twenty-five thou
sand
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1888-11-01
OUR MARKkTS.

The nonsensical talk OF st. Lawrence
that Miller is not n market Of any kind,
has no weight with the unprejudiced, i'm.
partial citizen. Such statements are set
ualIy silly in tho face of the proof at hand.
A visit to the towns will ninety nine times
out of hundred, show more farmers do
ing business in Miller than III 81. Law
renee. We cencede st. laxrrnce Is a
good grain market and buys lots OF grain.
Why do We do thiss Because We are not
fools, nor do We take the PEOPLE OF the
county to be fools. Bat We think, with
evidence from both grain buyers and sell
ers that Miller Is a better grain market,
for the simple reason that the chaoneis
through which money Genes in, and the
channels throug which the grain ana
-four go out, show conclusiyely that the
larger proportion of the business is done
at Miller. Again in the lines OF staples
and merchandise Of all kinds the receipts
of freights at the railway stations show
still wider difference in favor OF Miller.
Yet, with all of this. we do not claim
the earth, as the papers In our rival town.
We can see and acknowledge the competi-
tion existing between the two towns, as do
most OF the farmers, and We submit to
you II it is not to your interest to have
the situation remain unchanged. rather
than comply with the wish OF st, Law
renee people, aud have one good town
at st. Laurence? The competition OF
these two towns is certainly OF great benc'
At to every farmer in the county.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1888-11-01

game OF raising any offer Miller NAV
make. We want to save him any worry ON
'his point, Miller is not trying to brbe or
eoerce voters to stand ty her. but simply
appealing to their good sense and iudg-
ment. The offer made by Miller of 5000
In cash and something more i'm work is
only to comply with what we believe the
town owes the county--in fact it is more,
but we of, it freely. This however is all
We have TO give: Nor do We expect to de-
ceive the people 10y an offer OF more
money dav or two before election. Our
offer Is made in good faith. the money is
up and will stay there until the voters de-
eide how it will be used, and all reports to
the contrary are simply lies To ask more
than this would be an injustice TO the citi-
zens of Miller, because many of us have
seriously inconvenienced ourselves TO con-
tribute to this court house fund in the
hope of protecting our homes from de-
probation in value. We believe the farm
ers OF Hand county are human, and can
but Justly say the people of iilier have
done the honorable tbing to the fullest ex-
tent of their means.
We offer you all we have-enough to
build a good substantial court house.
The principle at stake Is the same even
though Mr.. Driver offers S25 900.
We have complied with a reasonable
demand. To ask more would be un-
reasonable. And we firmly believe the
residents Of Hand county will respect
fully serve notice upon Mr Driver that
he cannot Duy the county seat at any
price.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1888-11-01

keep most Of the county papers on fiie--
including the Journal. Before Baldwin
tagrLt for Ives. Driver 4 Co. bonght SaGs
he occasionally merriy twitted the 50
Lawrence folks 10 this fashion wherever
lac uses the word REX" the reader will
under stand he means 81 Lawre Ice. For
instance:
Journal die June 10. lsS3.--"Ileaveas
and earth Hand county readers Rex
has finally got so far along with her pro
per where she is going to prepare to pre-
tend that she has got them Another
place the map SAYS Presbyterian church
costing sS,00o Test 1t probably will
cost pretty near that sum by the limo tits
torn down aud moved nearer to the center
of Miller or sold and moved to Howell
but up 20 time 'they say its cost Is aEopt
5000, and s rs void Of finish as their cob
tribution box Is of sheckles, but they gst it
that lar and stuck. ont of spodulix
and had 10 play freeze out AL winter IL
they SO much as looked toward it."
journal file Nov, lssi.--''Signs of the
times now plainly viible TO all. axes Ia
certainty that which We have many tin.es
predicted, that Millor i. bound to lie TINE
metropolis and cntrepot Of the entire Reo
Valley country. Every day increaees our
faith in the prediction, aud supported as
.he is by one cf the richest agricultural
regions on the continent, who is there 10
dispute our assertions n
Echo answers "who p