The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1888-03-09

pleasant to picture the disappointment
and disgust of the despot as he opened
his book and found blank page. But
that was not enough. Iyearned for a
more intense form of irritation. 1t was
not bad idea to announce in the
newspaper that / would not be re-
| sponsible for the return of albums, and
that | intended to devote the postage
stamps sent with them to fund for
the benefit of some asylum for idiots.
On consideration | rejected this prof.
ect because it was too general l
wanted to strike blow that would be
felt individt lilly rather than collect
lively, to bring home to every auto
graph fiend the sense of his special,
personal inquiry. At last had the
happiest thought of all. Why not
write scathing and contemptuous quo
tations in every book? Nobody could
accuse me of deliberate libel, for l
might say that the quotation was one
of my favorite passages. For instance,
if Iwrote: "Youfs with all good wishes,
Hubert Fitzpkosphorus," and under
meath: "a halter gratis, the re-
sponsibility would be quite as much
Shakespeare's as mine. Or If | adj
dressed a. lady thus: "May bloom
and beauty rest with you always"
and added this pleasant ambiguity:
"Let her paint an inch thick" l
should sting without exposing myself
to the charge of open outrage. The
more considered this idea, the more
| chuckled. | was going to have a
horrid revenge, and yetenjoy the Sc
curity of inverted commas.
The great plan was put into execu-
ton without delay. | attacked q
mountain of albums. and poured into
the enemy crushing fire of vicarious
sarcasm and inyective. The ranks OF
the inquisitors and prosecutors reeled
before me. felt / was wiping out a
hundred wrongs as took a curse from
Shakespeare and dropped it into q
volume in which the autographs of
many victims seemed to groan for
vengeance. 1t was ecstasy to write:
"These tedious old FOOLS" in the
book of man who said he had been
collecting valuable signatures for
many years. spared neither age nor
sex. "Frailty, thy name is woman, !"
was my contribution to the album of
a lady who, as 1 afterward learned,
was the pious founder of church and
two hospitals; and friend described
to me with much relish the sensation
created in an ultra Protestant family
when the daughter of the house re-
ceived from me the injunction: "Get
thee to nunnery."
/ pursued the campaign with una
bated ardor and enjoyment until one
fatal day when an entirely unforeseen
conjunction of events completely
turned the tables. / had been visiting
for some time at the house of wealthy
citizen whose fortune had been made
either by his father or himself in a
brewery. Mr. Tankerdale had retired
from business long before knew him,
and the origin OF his wealth was never
mentioned in his household. He had
daughter who took much interest in
my eminence, and whose attractions
began to make ME frequent guest.
She was fine girl, with rather a high
color, which she subdued with those
subtle articles so dear to the hearts of
women. All, Helena, if you should
ever read this confession you may be
convinced at last that only wretch
ed mischance, and not malignant
purpose, made me appear before you as
the slanderer of your charms!
/ had dined with the Tankerdales
one evening" and the conversation
turned upon handwriting
-" Yours must be a pretty stiff hand
for painting, Fitzphosphorus," said
Tankerdale. Rather suggest spider
with St. Vitus' dance. Now mine is a
jolly round hand anybody can read at
sight"
AS round as your balance at the
bank said Mr.. Cudgell, who was a
distant relative of the Tankerdales,
not attracted by eminence as distinct
from dollars.
GAS round as your barrels at the
brewery" said /, but not aloud.
Papa doesn't think much about the
character of handwriting, said Hell
ena, sweetly. ITO me, Mr.. Fitzphos-
phorous, your hand is quite clear and
full of meaning.
THAT is because it writes the die
tates of the heart" said, tender,y, IN
her ear. Unfortunately the effect of
this speech was to heighten her color,
which was already rather strong. But,
oh, Helena, knew it was natural!
When was young piped an old
lady at the other end of the table,
"girls used to write lady-like hand,
but now they try to scribble like men.
l call it forward. l do. There's Hell
ena, whose writing is that bold that it
always makes me blush"
Everybody laughed, and Tankerdale
| Sdlu. Auub Udilc Sllll WIIbGS Will u me
old gold pen she used thirty years ago.
A modern rib is so broad that it shocks
her,"
do you find the autograph hunters
very tiresomep" said Helena to me.
"They are pests. I answered. "lf
they had been numbered amongst the
plaques of Egypt, Pharaoh would
either have given in much sooner, or
settled the Jewish question by whole
sale massacre"
"Give me the autograph at the foot
of check!" murmured Cudgell, in his
coffee-cup, with his eye on the host.
"When l was young" said Aunt
Jane, Il once had letter from
Grimaldi, the famous clown, you know.
Long before your time," added the
old lady, looking at me- LAY, clowns
a0ere clowns in those days! She
seemed to believe that Twas Grimaldi's
successor, and very poor substitute.