The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1888-02-17
ouEERnEss OF THINGS.
A Few Puzzles which No school OF PHIL
osophy Can Solve.

Few Puzzles which No school of PHIL
osophy Can Solve.
This is sort of topsy-turvy world.
No one seems to be satisfied. One man
is struggling to get justice and another
is flying from it.
One man is saving up to buy house,
and another is trying to sell his dwell
ing, for less than it cost to get rid of
it
One man is spending all the money
he can earn in taking a girl to the
theater and sending her flowers, in the
hope that he will eventually make her
his wife, and his neighbor is spending
all the gold he has saved to get di-
vorce.
Smith is drinking imported ale to
put flesh on. while johnson is living on
crackers and walking ten miles day
TO reduce his avoirdupois
Tho laborer with ten children keeps
| out of debt on ten dollars a week,
while many an unmarried bank official
with hundred dollars week can't
get along without helping himself to
the banks funds.
Robinson takes sherry to give him an
appetite, while Brown, who has wine
cellar, can't touch drop of it on ac-
count of apoplectic tendencies The
doctor tells Morrill, that if he doesn't
stop work and take rest he will go
into decline. and then tells Blakely
| that il he does not abandon his seden-
work on farm he will die of torpidity
of the liver.
One man is ordered to eat eggs be-
cause they are nutritious, and another
is cautioned TO leave them alone be-
cause they produce bile.
One man keeps a pistol to protect
himself against burglars. while his
neighbor doesn't keep one for fear of
shooting some member of the family
by mistake.
| You will sometimes see man plant
ing trees about his place for the shade;
and. at the same time, you will see
about his house because they produce
too much moisture
| One rich man wears poor clothes be-
cause he is rich and can do any thing.
while poor man wears fine clothes be-
cause he is poor and wants to create
the impression that be is not
/ One man is killed by accident. and
another tries to commit suicide and
fails.
/ One man escapes all the diseases that
flesh is heir to and is killed on rail-
road; another man goes through half
a-dozen wars without a scratch and
then dies of whooping-eough-
The prize-fghter reforms and be-
comes preacher, while the theological
student leaves his university to become
a professional baseball pitcher.
The man who can make twenty thou
sand dollars year. as general thing
can't save cent while the man who is
thrifty and wise is seldom so gifted
that he can earn any thing at all.
We know wealthy merchant who
keeps half dozen horses, who recently
stated that his store was closed on ae-
count of ''holliday;" and we also
know a proof-reader who can spell
every word in the English language
correctly, and the only time he expert
ences any horse is when he eats horsee
radish-
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The man who is fat with health can {
get employment. and the man who is
making money hand-over-fist has to
give up business on account of i'll
health.
Linguists are keeping peanut stands,
and monkeys are writing for newspa-
pers. In railroad collision the dane
ing-master generally loses his feet, and
the mathematician his head.
The pugilist breaks his wrist, and the
opera-singsr contracts throat trouble
The man with colossal fortune is
usually obliged to adopt an heir, while
the man without cent generally has
sufficient number of heirs to satisfy
half dozen capitalists
One man won't touch bacon for fear
of getting trichina. and another swears
by Bacon because some people think he
wrote Shakespeare.
We wish we could find out why these
things are so. because it would set our
minds at rest and make us happy
Puck