National Republican., 1888-03-11
CONFIDENCE OPERATORS.
THEY PRACTICE lPON THE HON WILL
IAN HERODOTuS MARTIN
How the Game Was Worked a Mag
niGcent Banquet where Oratory Ran
wild-The Finale shroudcd in Mys-
terry, Gut the victim survives.

lnCllbcrcu ny lllt non. W lIlllHl IltlNl'NUN
Martin. of Athens, Tex, aS the greatest in
all his long and chcckcrcd existence. For
some time past Major Martin has lain
quietly under the imputatiun that ut one
time he with malice aiorcthought, had
blown out the gas in his room at Williard's
Hotel, and his position toward the news
paper fraternity presumably his dGiamcrS,
bore strong resemblance to that which
is said To have existed between one Ishmacl
and his fellow beings: Ills hand was
against every man and every mans hand
was against him.
This condition Of affairs has caused the
Hon. Robert Jones Vance of Connecticut,
much pain, and his every cndcavOr of
late has been toward patching up peace
between the grizzly old Texan and the
tantalizing horde of correspondents who
delighted to annoy him. In a little while
the fiery headed Vance realized that the
task was beyond his power, So hC enlisted
as Il coadiutor the Hon. Amos Jay Cum
mings of New York. This able team
then proceeded to do the confidence
act, and in few days were ON such init
mate terms with the major that hc
would willingly have accompanied either
of them to draw Il lottery ticket or to bet Il
~ bill on the jack in that harmless
sucker are the prerequisites. The next
step was to make their victim acquainted
with certain shining lights in the Con
grcsional newspaper irmamcnt, and
to this end the Congressional
Press Club was organized with the
following membership; Il. j. Vance,
Ashb0l =. Fitch, Charles DOughcrtN,
w. ;. Andrews. Amos j Cummings, John
H. Monitt, and Pat. Donan. When each
villain had been drilled into his part the
scheme began to unfold itself, and on
Thursday the conspiratOrs captured their
unsuspccting prey and took him (privily
and by night to the "I.osckam," where u
dinner had been prepared in his honor.
The astOnishcd major was conducted to
his seat with all ceremony, and as he
gazcd ovcrthc gaily decorated board his
thoughts reverted invOluntarily, to that
far away land where corn bread and
mOlasscs, favored with occasional chunks
of "sow-bclly,' is the staple food. The
menu card was somewhat elaborate and
in the center of the front page was Il pie
turc of the beneficiary, looking maddcr
than wet hen. The dinner
was . magnificent affair, and was thor
Oughly enjoyed by all who participated.
The only persons present were the mem
berS of the club and the guest. Wine
flowed like water; in fact, the major
being accustomed to stronger liquors,
more of the thin liquid. Before the com
pany had got down tn tCrrapin and Ncuvc
CliCuuOt the utmost good feeling prevailed,
and II was with difficulty that the bubbling
clOquencC OF several of the members
could be restrained until coffee and cigars
came in.
The toasts were eight in number and
brought forth such OratOry as is but too
rarely heard even at the nations capital.
The first was, "'rhc memories of Gaines :
Mills" and Mr. Motlitt told the oft re-
peatcd tale of that bloody day. He con-
cludcd by quoting from that beautiful
poem, The Returned Regiment"
The waves of that human sea
of life and of destiny
Roll on once more.
Yet over the city'S roar
The drum and the tife's wild strain,
Like some battlc.songs refrain,
Catch my still listening ear
And know, know full well,
BY my own heart + aching swell,
How the pulses gentle and rude,
of that pausing multitude,
With a nameesS feeling beat
A sympathy, noble and sweet,
To the rhythm of patriot feet.
Feet" calculated the major. Feet
bet you, sir that there wasn't as many
of EN- as there was atOrc we got after EN-,
sir This came from the majors re-
beliOus heart, for he had also taken part
in the fight at Gaincs's Mills, but he was
on the other side. In trumpet tones he
told his wondering listeners how his regi-
mcnt, commanded by him, had busted the
Union lines and captured three chickens
and fragment of catin' tobacco. He did
not apologize for the part he had taken in
the CORY strife, and quoted Lowell us al
excuse:
For me Fate gave, whate'er she else denied,
nature slOping to the southern side.
4. l,,. Atr Ia.
major closed with poetic selection
that ran as follows:
The spooks and goblins that delight
To fill with terror all the night;
That stalk abroad in hideous dreams
With which dySpepsa'S fancy teens,
Will never trouble with their ills
The man who fought at GainesS mills sir
The peroration was greeted with long
continued applause, and when quiet ha'
once more been restored, Amos Cumming
leaned across the table and asked th
major where he got that beautiful verse
IEf you won't tell anybody, sir salt
the major very mysteriOusly, "twuz GU
ont of newspaper, sir; twuz II piece of
doctors advertisement. Good, wasn't,
sir?"
Mr. Fitch responded to the next senti
mcnt, THE Prohibition Battle in TeXa
and in New York All the wcalth o
statistics with which Mr., Fitch is loadc'
of all descriptions, including figures o
speech, were poured out in II stream tina
daHed the major The popular vote il
the last presidential contest and the has
ball averages in the Association were 81
dcXtcrously mixed with occasional refer
enccS to Gen Clinton Il. Fisk and Senate
Reagan that the bewildered guest began t.
believe that his glasses must have hccl
filled with some more potent liquid thai
water. After throwing at him Il fey
Dropositions from one of Col. SwitZlcr'
reports, Mr.. Fitch concluded his remark
and resumed his seat
The subject was of too much interest I,
the major to be passed by unhcedcd
ne saw. or imagined he saw, an ignOranC
rccded to enlightcn their darkcned intel
lccts ON practical prohibition aS under
stood in his "decStriCk,' He punctuatc
his remarks with frequent draughtS Il
POmmery See, but nevertheless succccde
in making an admirable speech, MARIE
slightly, perhaps, by the fact that tn
majors" great and growing head wa
topped with fOulscap of purple hue an
adorned with four silver stars. The ga
ga portion of the club uniform, and caC
member wore one for the first time ON I'll
occasion of the dinner.
internal suggestions ON the bias 1
Jurisprudence was the next tonst, an
VIM ). Andrews responded. His iron
cal remarks were highly appreciated b
his fcllow-c0mspirutorS, but the major
listened with undisguiscd admiration
the silycry flow of elOqucnce HAT was cl
gagged in Satiri2ing his administration Il
district attorney in the county where h
home is situated. II was cruel 10 thl
abuse the old gentlemen without lcttin
him know it, and the wretcheS laughed ,
loudly and So long as to offer conyincir
proof that they were indeed hard of hra
Mr.. Charles DOughery answered to II
next sentiment, "rhc bovine manipuQt,
in politics. The speech was listened
with marked attention, and when thcco
spimtols laughed their victim follow,
- III a. Ia.