The Opelousas courier., 1888-02-25
READYMADE SPEECH
Mark Twaip's Recipe For an
I%mpromptu Address.
Ready for Any Occasion by the
Change of a Few Words.

Mark Twain, who was n Of the
sneakers at the recent celebration OF
JForefather's Day in Boston, included the
following in his speech, which was re-
, ecived as all his speeches arc quite en-
, thusiasticallyt .
A man ought always to come pre-
pared to speak whether he is likely t@
be called on or not. My Scheme is this
that he shall carry in his head a speech
that will fit any conceivable OCCASION in
this life. He could fit it to a dot !
have built a speech Of that kiad, and |
brought it along to exhibit it here as 80
sample of what can be- done. Suppose
a man that has got a speech 81 this
kind is called upon to deliver a funeral
grafton, or talk at a granger gathering,
or a wedding breakfast or a theological
disturbance, or q political blowout or
anywhere you choose to mention. All
that he has got to do is to change three
or four words in that speech, and make
his delivery clipper or solemn, or just
what the occasion calls for, and turn
himself loose, and then he is all right.
+ Twill illustrate But T will deliver
eight or nine lines, just enough fot you
10 see the possibilities that lie in that
speech. Noy for the speech to the
granger. He gets up with some hest
fancy and reretitioa, so as to give the
speech a right1mpromptu air. Hhe has
delivered it q lot Of times, he can ven
| ture, outside and make some impromptu
remarks. If there is a distinguished
man present, he can speak OF his talent
or his clothes. Such a thing as this
| gives it a sort Of neRness. He then
wants to leave his audience to wonder
at his readiness, just as they were get
ting ready to pity him. He wants to
fire the farmer with his words from his
mansard down to his cellar. Then he
goes on:
I am called up sudden and am, indeed, not
preparedto make a speech. l was not ex-
p,cting to be called up sir, but l will, with
what effect / may, add my shout to the ju-
bilation-to this spirited star occasion. Ag-
riculture, sir, is, after all, the palladium of
our American liberties. By it We may be
said to live and move and have our being.
All that we have, all that we are, all that
we hope to be, is, rn't e, and
must continue to be, providentially,
by the mighty industry Of mar
through this glorious agriculture. Vhile we
have life, while we ~hayevouls, and in those
souls sweet and holy NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
will be that boon by which re thrive and
aspire, and with it is born far reaching grace
and duty and purity and loveliness. But the
least Of us know, but the least of US feel, that
we are as-but the time is late and l will not
Suppose it is not a granger gathering,
but q wedding breakfast. That speech
has got to be delivered in an airy and
gay fashion. But it must terminate
gravely. He says:
81 am called up suddenly, sir, and am, in
deed, not prepared to make a speech. l was
not expecting to be called up, but l will, with
what effect | may, add my shout to this spir,
tied star occasion. Matrimony is, after all
the palladium of our domestic liberties. 1 By
it we may be said to live, to move and to &C
quire our debts. All that We have been, all
that we are, all that we hope to be, is, must
be, and must continue to be, providentially
moved by that great and glorious mat
rimony. While we nave life, while we
have souls, let us with generous accord at.
tune our souls to songs of praise for that
most precious boon whereby we numerically
thrive, whereby our otherwise worldly exist
ence is made grand, and we aspire to EN-.
brace grace and duty and purity and lowell
ness. But the least of us know, the least OF
us feel, and doubtless many of us will con,
fess-but the hour is late, and / will not"
But suppose the occasion---I just wan:
to show you that it will cove the whole
grouud---suppose this occasion is an in
quest. At the funeral of a person yor
want to be as melancholy as you can, but
in the case of IN inquest you simply
want to be impressive and awful. Say
this inquest was on a second cousin,
a wealthy second cousin, who has re.
membered you in his will Perhaps ht
has left you a horse or pair of horses.
not the finest Morgan stock, but horses
that can go in three minutes. He is {
second cousin and he his lost his life
trying to save somebody from
drowning: Say it il a mind
cure physicianehe was trying to save
from drowning lut didn't succeed, but
she did not want him to succeed on the
old plan. He would have to have
great deal of experience and a diplom,
or he could not save anybody from
drowning with the mind cure. / jus
want to make this explanation to show
you that the speech is all / claim for it.
Why, his reputation would go every
where. He could go TO any intellectual
gathering in the United States, Boston
included laughter, and he woult
draw like a prize fight. This man get
up with graded emotion and he says:
II am called up suddenly, sir, and am in
deed not prepared to speak. was not ez
pecting to be called up, but I will, with wha
effect l may, add my voice to the lamenta
tions Of this spirit-crushing occasion. Death
death. sir. is after all the nailadium of on