Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-07-04

A, MICH, WEDNES]
WIT AND HUMoR
In order to carve out a fortune, one
must be sharp.-The Epoch.
1t might reduce the funeral ex-
penses if the toll of the bells could be
collected.-Ex.
Did it ever occur to you that, al
though the bass drum doesn't make
good music. it browns a heap of bad.
Toledo Blade.
Flossie (aged 4)-Bobby, why do
they call ministers doctors?
Bobby Ga lad of considerable infor-
nation Cos they make folks better.
Epoch.
Getting at it by indirection: Miss
Ada-How do you pronounce Mephis-
topheles, Mr.. Smith
Mr.. Smith never pronounce it.
| simply mention his home address,
It'd Bits.
ooh, Ella" said Clara, 81 think
Lily and her beau have quarreled."
"Why," replied Ella, what makes
you think so ?"
"Well, her parlor has been bril-
liantly lit every evening this week "
New York Sun.
Dumley had been asked to carve
the chicken, and he was struggling
with it.
"What seems to be the matter, Mr..
Dumley ?" asked the landlady; "has
not the carving-knife good edge ?"
"Yes, madam he replied, "but it
won't have very long."-Ex.
He had just married rich wife
and was bowling along in a new equi-
page when he met a chum.
"Hello !" cried the chum. Whats
that thing you are riding in? 1t looks
like hearse."
ut is hers" was the gloomy re-
joinder of the newly welded man
Elk.
Jimmie Reynolds called on DIR, b.
A. Brigham one day during the rainy
season for medical advice.
"You had better wear heavier shoes
during the wet weather." said the
doctor.
"Would it not be better for me,
during the rainy spell, to wear
pumps "-Ex.
"How deep mourning border do
you think ought to have on my note
paper, Mr.. Crimsonbeak ?" asked the
daughter of his deceased boarding.
house mistress.
pretty large, miss, pretty large !"
said Crimsonbeak, taking his hat and
his leave. "Your mother always did
like a pretty generous boarder, you
know. ."-Y onker's Statesman.
Who is your family doctor, George?
DR.. Smoothman.
How did you come to employ that
hair-brained creature?
Oh, my wife once asked him if he
could tell why she always had cold
feet, and he told her they were so
small they couldn't hold blood enough
to keep them warm. She won't have
any other doctor.-Cbicago News.
This meat isn't half DONE" he
growled. 81 don't see why our cook
ing isn't better. Any fool ought to
be able to cook. 1t doesn't take any
brains to be a cook"
"Did you ever try it, dear ?" she
inquired sweetly.
mo, of course not. Why do you
ask ?"
"You ought to try it. You would
make an excellent cook. Graphic.
Ponsonby-Sir, / have come to re-
quest the honor of your daughters
hand in marriage.
Pompano--Impossiblel Never
will l give my consent.
Ponsonby (anxiously)-Is your de-
cision fixed-irrevocablc
Pompano (firmly)-It is.
Ponsonby (much relieved)-Tbank,
awfully. Nellie has been pestering
me ask you, and ] did it just to oblige
her. Philadelphia. Call
Young man, said stern parent,
with the accent on the young, edo
you intend to stay here all night hold
ing my daughters hand and looking
her in the eyes like sick calfY"
"No SIR"
What do you intend to do then p
well, had thought that when
you did us the kindness to retire |
would put my arm around her waist,