Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-29

A, MICH. WEDNESI
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WIT AND HUMOR
A host in himself-the landlord
Puck.
Brigham's religion made him 60 i
while Young.-N. Y. Star.
The star fish is not shinner.-Bos
ton Commercial Bulletin.
Many homsly, unattractive cir
gets a husband on account Of her pa
value.-N. Y. Star.
A live dog may provoke admiration
but dead dog is scenter Of attrac
tion.-New Haven News.
The newest trust is honey trust
There may be some cell about it
though.-Yonker's Statesman.
The bakers talk Of forming union
1t will be sort of dough-nation
Well, perhaps they knead it.-Bing
hamton Republican.
A southwest Missouri attorney il
reported to have made the following
remarks in closing a case "Owing t.
the perjury of the witnesses, the igno
rance of the jury and the prejudice
of tho Judge, expect to lose thi
case. ."-Ex.
Herr Professor, how do you like
my new tragedyg'
Every much indeed. Especial,
the robbers-they are frst-rate. Ii
fact, they are the best thieves | evel
heard of; even the words they speak
are stolen from other books"
The cross-eyed man has found hi
province at last. 1t is love- making
on the sly. An Indiana farmer
whose daughter ran away with cross
eyed farm hand, declared that he new
er could tell when his hired man wal
looking at his daughter and therefore
he didn't suspect him.-Ex.
In days of old when nights were
cold, and snow in billiards flew. g
warrior bold said "Is this cold, isl
cold enough for you ?" We grabbed
him by the hair, we smashed him with
chair; we climbed his frame and
knocked him lame, and filled him with
despair.-Nebraska State Journal.
No, Patti has no babies. The fam
lily have decided that they can't afford
it. When they realized that it would
cost the youngster 9100 every time
he wanted his mother to sing him to
sleep-'cash up or no concert-they
decided that no baby could stand it
without mortgaging the nursery and
fittings. London Tid-Bits.
"My goodness, what extravaganza y
exclaimed Mrs. Pinaphor, upon read
ing that the wife of Minister Morton
imports direct from Canton, Chinese
silk and dress materials that cannot
be found in the shops of Paris "It
doesn't look WE'LL" she added, "for the
wife of minister to dress go expen-
sively." ."-Ex.
1--WE could not get out the Boomer
and Shorter this week." says an es-
teemed Arizona contemporary, "be.
causbur wife had baby on Sunday,
and we had to stay at home on Mon
day to keep the nurse from lighting
out when she found it was triplets. If
any subscriber can show better hand
than three Of kind this year he gets
the Boomer free for six months. -
Ex.
Casey Thompson, Colorado min
er, who was well-known throughout
the West in earlier days, contracted
one winter to run a 5000 foot tunnel
at $40 foot for rich company. He
timbered it nicely and got his pay,
and in the spring the company found
that they had nothing but a skeleton
framework. Thompson had run the
tunnel along the side Of the gulch in
the snow.
"When you call on sister Clara,
Mr.. Featherly," said Bobby, "you
never stay later than IL o'clock, do
you ?"
"No, indeed, Bobby, and often not
as late as that"
That's what pa said. He told ma
that there was no danger of your ever
staying any later than quarter to IL,
because the saloons close up at 12."
The Epoch.
Colorcd individual recently engag
ed in stealing a watermelon, indig-
nantly]-Is you de gentleman dat fir
ed dat bullet froo dis yer watermelon
dot I hob undar NV arp,