New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-12-28
pERns OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

| From The Chicago lnterOcean
feel like chanting paean Of praise to the woman
with a bundle. just now she is queen, and poor
he thing who has business on Safest Will find 1t 10
| his advantage 10 walk IN the cutters and give the
Sidewalk with It's job lots and special sales as adj
vcrtised' over the determined amazon In hot pur-
suit Of price Christmas presents some men are
of of HagsaId's heroes, and these are INC ones
down aud sunk by heavy lady bent on getting there
men are suffering today from having been teescoped
into an armfu Of Christmas toys, and are busy this
morning picking fragments OF rocking horses anu
mis- is no idle assertion made for the purpose of
influencing public sentiment. l have been there.
Yesterday morning | tied rope about my waist,
breathed silent prayer because nc,
tbo h,rstb IN nv person knocked out of nue.. and
plunged into the vortex 60 and nail 34-ccnt
bargain. marked down from 1928, and exciting and
sensational account of which Mrs. Jones had read
I'm the morning paper. She had extracted solemn
pledge from me, which, fer man accustomed 10
taking the pledge 50 frequently as do, came with
| would, If l escaped, make net gam Oh VI Genus
on the deal, and even If we're lost, should not
the 81 cents. She also gave me minute directions
as to the shade which suited her complexion, and
violet ink. II l lost my reckoning ! was TO haul
OIL till / sighted floor walker and when he shouted
at me: "NcXforascOunt-rri right middle" l would be
understood the hoorwakerese dialect l, IN return,
cAacted promise that should hO tidngs Of Inc reach
her by wednesday next she would see my friends ana
get them to organize relief expedition On the
trcpidatiOn and a 81 bill After plungng into the
tide was able to hold my own with my strong right
arm for the first hour or two but this could not
last. There IS limit 10 all human endurance, eX-
cept that of woman on grand bargain hunt !
mad pulse and low sob that the verdict was going
afrcsh and plunged on, to be Slid back Like one in
hdo0us t0aStedcheese nightmare.
The long, weary day wore on. but there was no
& Of roll ana s n on Th9 sh tbro S OF
hungry and tired and longed TO pull out Of
the crowd, to 90 In secluded corner and build
camp fire. and lie down beside It for an hours rest
but they told IT was against the rules Of the house
So batled manfully on and wished was woman
for htteen minutes OnIy was calOmed rom the
ribbon counter which / reached about 3 80 in a
where young blonde thing asked me what number,
please Before l could return her smile was pro
lected thence and brought up in the centre OF an
angry group composed OF large Niles Centre family
trying 10 change ifteen-cent doll, without toilet,
because 1t wouldn't squeak when hammered In the
Eourthrty found mo with signal of stress flying
and s3rely regreng that did not study my football
lessons more aSslduously when at college. by this
time tfc shadows were lcnghcnng In a way which
indicated that night was coming on apace. had to
siOr pining over educational opportunities thrown
away in youth and resume my hunt for Mrs Joness
thl1y four.cent present, warranted to look Ike a
Finally Was cast P %p against co@nter that
seemed to answer the description OF the one ! was
octopus. Then the young lady who does business
With a chew Of gum and blunt lead pencil had
say ! did want something. What did She sup
pose vas there for ANYWAY then stated my case.
and said: You Will find what you want on the fifth
noor' on hearing this brutal truth I commenced
10 tottcr ] was then standing I'm a sort of chasm
for on ono side lowered a fat nankcd by a
dray-load OF bundles. On the other dray-load
Of bundles fanhed by a fat woman. They both were
after the same piece OF goods. They grappcd '
am a small man and l stood between. = l lost
consciousness
When recovered was outside and not altogether
right IN my mind Had II not been so I would never
have attempted TO go back. but heard a large. re
vcngeful looking lady mention nfth floor and fell in
line behind her AMI urged her on She went through
the crowd Is cannon ball through a cOrn-ird. with
me trailing on Ike tail TO a comet. / found my
goods bought them, paid for them. got my change.
and with wlltcd collar and approving science
walked out, leaving the articles on the counter I
don't care To 90 back for them. Any ono who wants
the same may have them by mentlcning my name
CONFLAGRATION JONES