Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-05-31
HIS HEALTH Is GOOD.
Bill Nye Refuses to Allow His Name
to be Presented-Bu He YigOr-
Ously Insists That His
Health is Bully.
New York World


presented as candidate
But my health is bully.
we are upon the threshold of a moss
bitter and acrimonious fight. Great wis
dom ano foresight are need at this hour.
and the true patriot will forget himself
ana MS own interests In his great yearn-
ing for the good of his common country
and the success OF his party What we
need at this time is a leader whose name
will not be presented at the convention
but whose health is good.
No one has fuller or better convention
of the great duties of the hour than I.
How clearly to my mind are the duties of
the American citizens outlined to-day! I
have never seen with clearer, keener
vision the great needs of my country, and
my pores have never been more open.
Four years ago | was in some doubt rela-
tive to certain important questions which
now are clearly and satist lctorily settled
in my mind. I hesitated then where I
am now fully established, and my tongue
was coated in the morning when / arose,
whereas now I bound lightly from bed,
kick out window, CLIMB to the roof by
the means of the fire escape and there
rehearse speeches which will make this
faIl in case it should be discovered at
alone can heal the rupture in the party
and prevent its works from falling out.
think my voice is better also than it
was either four, eight, twelve or sixteen
years ago, and it does not tire me so much
to think of things to say from the tail
gate of train as it did when first be-
gan to refrain from presenting my name
to conventions.
ACCORDING To NV notion our candidate
should be plain man, magnetic but
hairless patriot, who should be suddenly
thought of by majority of the conven-
ton and nominated by reclamation. He
should not be hide-bound politician,
but on the contrary he should be greatly
startled, while down cellar sprouting po-
tatoes, TO learn that he has been nomin-
ated. That's the kind of man who al
ways surprises everybody with his sagac-
lty when an emergency arises.
In going down my cellar stairs the com
mittee will do well to avoid stepping on a
large and venOmOus dog who sleeps on
the top stair. Or will tie him in the
barn if L can be informed when 1 am
liable to be startled.
Ishave always thought that the neatest
method of calling a man so public life
was this one adopted some years since in
the case of Cincinnatus. He was one day
breaking pair of nervous red steers in
the north field. 1t was hot day in July,
and he was trying to summer fallOw a
piece of ground where the Unison weeds
grew seven feet high. The pillow would
not scour, and the steers had turned the
yoke twice on him. Cincinnatus had
hung his tOga on tamarac pole to strike
furroW by, and hadn't succeeded in get
ting his pillow IN more than twice in going
across. Dressing as he did in the Roman
costume of 458 B. c., the blackberry vines
had scratched his massive legs till they
were sight TO behold. He had scourged
Old Bright and had twisted the tail of
Bolly till he was sick at heart. All through
the losg afternoon, wearing a hot, rusty
helmet with rabbit-skin ear tabs, he had
toiled on, when suddenly a maj ority of
the Roman voters climbed over the fence
and asked him to be dictator in place of
Putting on his toga and buckling an
Spirius Meliu5.
old hame strap around his loins he said:
"Gentlemep, If you will wall till go to
the house and get some vaseline on my
limbs will do your debating for you as
low as you ever had it done. He then
left his team standing in the fuTrow
while he served his country in al official
capacity for a little over twenty nine
years after which he went back and re-
sumed his farming.
Though $500 years have since passed
away and historians have been busy with
that epoch ever since, no one has yet dis
covered the methods by which Cincinnatus
organized and executed this, the most sue
cessful "People's Movement of which we
are informed.
The great trouble with the modern
boom is that it is too precocious. 1t
knows more before it gets its clothes on
than the nurse, the physicians and its
parents, 1t then dies before the sap
starts in the ma pie forests.
I enclose my picture, however, which
shows that L am 40 healthy that it keeps
me awake nights. go about the house
singing all the tire and playing pranks
on my grandparents. Ny eye dances
with iIl-concealed merriment, a1d my con-
versation is just as sparkling as it caA be.
L believe that during this cam paign we
should lay aside politics as far as posi-
BILE, and unite on an unknown, homely
but sparkling man. Let US lay aside all
race prejudices and old party feeling and
not look so very well, but who feels
Toward the middle of June 1 she'll go
away to an obscure place where 1 cannot
be reached. My mail will be forwarded
to me by a gentleman who knows how 1
feel in relation to the wants and reeds of
the country.
To those who have prospered during
the last twenty years let me say that they
owe it to the perpetuation of the princi-
pies and institutions towards the estab-
lishment and maintenance of which l
have given the best energies of my life.
To those who have been unfortunate let
me say frankly that they owe it to them
selves.
| have never had less malaria or de-
sponoency in my system than l have this
pring. Ny cheeks have delicate bloom
ON them like russell apple, and my step
is light and elastic. In the morning 7
arise from my couch and, touching con-
,ealed spring, it becomes an upright
piano. / then battle In q divan which cor
tains d iointed tank. l then sing until
nterfered with by property-ewners and
lax payers who reside near by. After a
light breakfast of cslf's liver and custard
pie go into the recep tion room and wait
.or people to come and feel my pulse. In
he afternoon | lie down on couch for
wo or three hours, wondering IN what
way can epdear myself to the labor
ng man. 1 then dine heartily at my club.
n the evening l go to see the amateurs
play "PygmelIon and Galatea." IA L re-
main till the play is over, any one can see
hat am a very robust man After
get home write two or three thousand
yords IN nv diary L then insert myself