The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-12-06
WISE AND OTHERWISE.


yacht is, the latter can go on tack with
out swearing and the former canno'.
From the way in which everybody is
jumping on him, Lord Sackville is prob
ably considered more of door mat than
diplomat.
Figures never lie, but under skilliul
manipulation they may be induced to
prevaricate to an extent that answers
the purpose.
An exchange says Nobody knows
where the flies go to-" Perhaps not ;
but we know where people tell them to
go to, though.
A New York brewer allows his en-
ployees twenty-five glasses ofbeer day.
We should think the brewer would have
his hands full.
A medical journal tells people chow
to catch cold" but what they want to
know is how to prevent a cold from
catching them.
Woman, to tramp "How's the soupp'
Tramp "Taint quite strong enough,
ma'am. l wish you would wash few
more dishes in it,"
A good many fables begin "Once on a
time" Oddly enough, too, when mar
ried men have once been on time they
are apt to invent fables.
There are two periods in a woman's
life when she does not love to talk.
When one is we never knew, and the
other we have forgotten.
A man having bought 1000 Havana
cigars was asked what he was carrying.
Tickets to a course of lectures to be
given by my wife" he replied.
Smith (deaf)-"What is the matter,
Jones P" Jones-"I've got the head
ache" Smith (who mistook it for the
toothache)-"Why don't you have it
filled P"
Emma "Reggy, darling, when we
are married, you will not smoke in the
house, will you P" Reggy mo, love
the fellows will expect me at the club,
you know"
He, cautiously What would you do
Fannie, if | were to kiss you ?" Fannie:
Nothing, Harry. What would there
be for me to do You could attend to it,
couldn't you Pr
Magistrate $50 you admit having
been engaged in making counterfeit
money Pn Prisoner Yes, your honor
you see the supply of the genuine article
is so very, very short"
The reason why pretty girl thinks it
an easy thing to manage husband is
because she has always made all the ex-
periments she has ever tried with some
other woman's husband.
LET me see," said the minister, who
was filling up a marriage certificate and
had forgotten the date, this is the 5th,
is it not ?" mo, sir,n replied the bride,
with Indignation, this is only my sec
ond."
81 can't imagine how you can dislike
work to me it's real enjoyment !" said
the father to his lazy son. Yes pa
was the guileless response, "but don't
want to give myself wholly up to pleas
ure."
Miss Ethel "And so you are really
engaged to Mr.. Sampson, Clara P" Miss
Clara, blushingly Yes, it all hap
pened last evening, Ethel" Miss L 'hel /:
What a blessing to some leap year is,
dear ~
Customer, to head waiter "Here. sir,
this clumsy fellow has spilled over half
of my cup of tea down my back" Head
waiter, sternly, to clumsy waiter
Bring this gentleman full cup of tea,
Mrs Brown-"And how do you like
Rev. Mr.. Choker P" Mrs. Smythe "Oh,
very much, indeed" Mrs. Brown /:
what is he, high or low church P" Mrs.
Smythe well, he's q little high
$4,000 year"
A Boston boy was telling his father
one day of a schoolmate's attempt to
sing. "And time" said the l0-year-old,
in deep disgust why, he didn't keep
any better time than COW when a dog
is running after her."
Pa-"What would you like to be when
you grow up, Johnny P" Johnny-'I
think I'll be a soldier" you might
got killed" "Whn by pn "Ry tho ono
my, of course "Well, then, l guess l
had better be the enemy"
According to the decision of medical
men, it is doubtful if anybody was ever
buried alive in this country. This is
encouraging, and it is very creditable to
the profession for the thorough manner
in which they do their work.
When old Judge Jowler was tucked
in his little bed by Mrs. Mouser he
couldn't sleep wink until the excellent
woman had brought a bottle ofDr. Bulls
Cough Syrup. Then he crossed his lit
tie hands and sunk in sweet repose.
Two men were in prison, the one for
stealing a cow, the other for stealing
watch. what o'clock is it P" said the
cow stealer to the other. 81 haven't
any timepieCe handy but | think it,
most milking time ~ was the retort.
Polite clerk, showing goods Here,
lady, is something l would like to call
your attention to. The very latest thing
out" Mrs. Rounder eff there is any
thing out later than my husband guess
| will take it, if only for a curiosity"
We have a speedy and positive cure
for Catarrh, Diphtheria, Canker Mouth
and Headache, in SHILOH'S CATARRH
REMEDY. A nasal injector free with
each bottle. Use it if you desire health
and sweet breath. Price so cents. Sold
by j. 7. Shurtleff,
Bagley, sernly-"Aurelia, let this
thing stop right here Mr.. De Twir-
Tiger" Aurelia--"Oh, paw, do not for
bid Arthur the house !" Bagley-"He
may come every night in the week if he
pleases, but he must not bring his dog
into my parlor. Last night its howlings
kept me awake for an hour" Aurelia
why paw, that was Arthur singing
a selection from Erminie."
Answer This Question.
Why do so many people we see around
us seem to prefer TO suffer and be made
by indigestion, constipation
dizziness, loss of appetite, coming up of
the food, yellow skin, when for 70 cents
we will sell them Shiloh's System Vital
izer, guaranteed to cure them. Sold by
J. 7. ShurtIeff. Bennington, Vt.
Has the campaign opened in your
neighborhood yet P" asked a citizen
yesterday of farmer from one of the
Western townships. "Oh, yes" was
.he reply. Much enthusiasm" Heaps
Of it. 1t has got so that no Democrat
can borrow drawing of tea from Re-
publican, and no Republican could get
bar of soap from Democrat if he were
lying for it. oh, yes ; the campaign
has opened"
Caller-What has become ofyour new
clerk Grocer-Poor fellow He wasn't
cut out for this business. The second
day after he began work an order was
received from an uptown lady, calling,
among other things, for a can ofthe best
baking powder. He went to the baking
powder shelf and began studying the
labels and circulars to find out which
was the best, and when / came in few
hours later he was raving maniac.
Facts Worth Knowing.
In all diseases of the nasal mucous
the remedy used must be
non-irritating. The medical profession
has been slow TO learn this. Nothing