The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1888-03-03
90 A,ks.a...- -
THE SMITH FAMILY.
A Plausible Theory Advanced by
One Of It's Number.

A Plausible Theory Advanced by
One Of It's Number.
The Time When, in World OF. vair
/ Glo,ying, None Eut Smiths Will 10
Found-The Rctributjre Justice
Of Stern Fate.
The glory, present and prospective Of the
Smith family. formed the toric Of converse
ton at tho, Attic Club the other night
writes the Boston Ton :cri listener, "The
earth, said Plantagenet Smith, one OF the
charter members OF tho club, "is the
Smiths and the fui1llcss thereof. You
| have heard, perhaps, how all the people
! in the world viii eventually become Smiths
No9 That is surprising, for the fact has
long been perfectly patent. l will explain
how it is to be. It'll evident that, at the
outset. whom surnarlcs We're first adopted
| there were no moro Smiths than there were
Bakers, OF Butchers, or Thinkers, or Weav'
ers, or any Of the rest OF the families that
took up a surname from their occupation
| But the Smiths presently began, through
superior vitality, or some other natural
cause, to multiply more rapidly than any
! other family. That early start wss the
| turnin y-point of their career Their nurner'
ical superiority once established, it became
| inevitable that they should absorb ali the
rest Of the community; and that that alb
! sorp.ion is now going gu we have only to
look about us to see. Note the
fact that all of the small families
tend to become smaller until they arc ex.
tinct, while tho largo families grow larger
in arithmctical progression. One hundred
! years ago there wcrc honored families III
| New England whose names arc found 10
! more in tho public registers. They h;sye
died out Every year still marks tho ey
tinction Of some family. But the Smith
family not only docs not become extinct bur
| it absorbs ali these dying families, ag,
grandizing itself from year to year by ac'
| cretions from without, as tho sun swallows
up the meteorites, and will some day s,7al-
low up tho planets. In the carly records Of
tho New England colonies 10 you find any
! such prepondcrancc OF Smiths il the popu-
lation as you find now2 Certainly not.
f, There were many Smiths, indeed, and the
| principle Of universal qualification was
was already at work; out they had not, by
any means, attained the proportonate
strength that they have row.
on, "how tho principle works ali about us,
and then / viii go on and provo that the
| Smith family must inevitably swallow up,
/, in tho future, all other families My
mother nane, as you know, was Plan.
| tal;cnet, She was the unly child OF the
last surviving maleof that na,ne left in New
England. The family, always small, mad
dwindled down to this solo male member.
His only child was d daughter, and she
married Smith. One more family had
been eng1alied in the Smiths. 1t was
destiny. The blood of all Of them III"
eyitably flows Into the Smith fam
lily. But, perhaps, you will say that thus
female Plsantagenct might, save for the
mere matter Of choice, have married!
/ Brown, or d Jones. or a Robinson.
! Sc she might: but the probability that any
given woman Will choose {, Smith for Il l!l,s-
! band is relatively greater than the l,rp',;l.
bility Of her marrying Il nlan of amy other
! name, for the simple reason that there aee
moro Smiths, And If she had married d
Brown or q Jones, it would simply have
bee1l Il postponcnlcnt Of the absorption Of
tho Plantagcnct blood in tho Smith family.
Ill roads lead to E.ome. The Browns ana
Joneses are simply helping the Smiths to
conquer the world. They are soaking Up
the small families just as the Smiths are.
but in less proportion, and Ut last their turn
will come. Tho Smiths will begin with the
smallest family OF these large ones--tl.e
Robnsons, say. 1t will be found when
there are no longer any more families re-
naming than the Smiths, the Jonscs, the
Browns and the Robirsous, thai the Robin
sons are gradually diminishing in number.
AT last they will all be gone. And then the
Browns will begin to waste away before tbs
au-deyouring Smiths, and finally q day will
come whac, only the Smiths and the Jonescs
will remain. We may well imagine that the
struggle Of the Jonescs will be long and des-
per;.ta Their vitality has bccn proved
through many centuries. But the simplest
operation Of this natural rule, that many
more Jones girls will marry Smiths than
Smith girls will marry Joncses, will at l,ss
send them tho way chat Nil tho rest have
gone, and they will take 5heir place with
the long~cxtinguished Plantagcnets, and ST.
Clairs, and tho Montmorencys, il, the broad,
placid all~cn.bracints bosom OF She mighty
racc OF Smiths.
1.-The world is then," said Grigson, knock
ing the ashes from his cigar, ~ sort Of
generic Nancy Brig, in which we nozl-s3lniths
represent the cook and tho captain bold, and
tue 1l;.te, ana INC 90 S'n itShG ant; the mid
Shipmite, and you the able seaman who will
eventually stand for all the rest Of usa 1
like you, Plantayenet, but I'll be hanged if
like tho prospect ct being eaten up by
you.'
81 regret it myself said Smith. 's1he
name of Smith has never had any fascina-
ton for me- should have preferred 70 be
q Plantagenet, or even Grigson. But l
can see design in it all. 1t IS the purpose
of Providence, by the absorption of all hu-
mainly in tho Smith family, to teach man
kind the vanity of all self-applcd dcs,gna-
tons We may give ourselves higil-sound-
ing names; we may call ourselves Kings
and Princes and Lords and Darons, and
style ourselves Great and Good and l'air,
and that sort OF thing, but the humble des-
ignation OF the sooty artisan Of the forge
will conquer all others at length, 50 that
there shall be, in a world Of vain-slorying,
none but Smiths to be found. It is the
rctributive justice of fate!''
'sBut what shall we do when we ara all
Smiths2:' asked Grigson.
"An, my dear boy, then the glory OF the
Smith family itself will end in confusion