The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1888-05-25
WIT AND HUMoR

fools that he returns home with quito
a good opinion of himself.-B Boston
Transcript.
| Husband-I never saw woman so
hard to please as you are, my dear.
Wife (calmly)-I am not so sure about
that, John. | married von, you know.
-New York San.
Many a man who thinks he bears u
great enterprise on his shoulders is
simply round-sbouldered from carrying
a large load of ccnceit.--Shoe and
Leather Reporter.
Blobson (the morning after the club
banquet)-"Well, Dumpsey, how did
you come out last night" Dumpsey-
"Give us hard one. Ask me how
got in."-Burlington Free Press
Magistrate ito witness)-Do you
know the nature of an oath, Uncle
Rastusi Uncle Rastus-I reckon l
does, 20 Honah. Ise owned balky
mule for foahteen ya,-Ne'c York
San.
1t is in the highest legree improper
and unjust to ridicule a man on ac-
count Of his small stature. Because he
happens to be little it isn't right TO be-
little him Shoe and Leather Repor-
ter.
The original elements are earth, air,
fire, and water. Fire is the most des-
tructive and water is the most power
full. Fire. water. therefore, forms a
combination that Is a Bi8g-
hampton Leader.
Minister'S wife (to husband)-Will
you put up the parlor stove to day,
deaii Minister (vexatiously)-1 sus-
pose will have to. Wife-Aud don't
forget, John, that you are a minister
of the Gospel.-Harpers Ba@ar.
Tobacconist customer-The figure
of the Indian is all right aud true TO
nature, but / don't understand why
you put that bottle of rum in his hand.
Sign sculptor-Reckon you've never
seen living injun, boss.-ZFd Bits.
Just as the spring poet timidly open
ed the esanctum door the telegraph editor,
who was filing IN dispatch, said to
the chief: "Shall put big head on
| it," Then the building shook as the
spring poet, fastened down stairs
The Epoch.
"De Sappy, ole fel, what are all
these twusts we wead about in the
papers7" Must be some big credit
scheme, lie Sawft." "Gwaciousl you
don't say. l hope a spwing suit
twust will be started, doncher know"
-Piusbavg Chronicle.
| Miss Churchman-"Oh, yes, l
always deny myself in Lent. give
up cards, music, frivolous reading, and
unedifying conversation. Now, what
do you give up? Mr.. Mundane (rehect-
ively)-''I think I'll give up calling
here" ."--Accident Neos.
George" asked the teacher of a
Sunday school class, "whom, above
all others, shall you wish to see when
you 90 to Heaven?' With face
frightening up with anticipation the
little fellow shouted:' Gtrliah!" Bos-
ton Christian Register.
Little pitcher Ito visitoD -"Mrs.
Smith, be you almost blind!' "Blind?
Why, what put that into yonr head"
"Mamma said you couldn't read figur-
es.' 'Could'nt read fgures?' Yes;
she said you'd never see 40 again"
Boston Transcript
Now that the theatrical season is
drawing to a close, fashion journals
make the announcement that the
spring and summer hat will be lower
ia the crown than during the winter.
: This Is what we should call the infer
nal unfitness of things.-Norristoaon
! Herald.
A minister of the gospel in, Louisi-
, ana having been asked 10 become a
can lidate for the Legislature gives sew
eral reasons for declining to run, one
of which is that he fears politics would
take from him much of his religious
comfort and make death hard. Hart
ford Religious Herald.
,.See, father" said son, with the
proud conciousness of duty done, 81
have saved $500 from my years allow.
ance" Good" exclaimed the old
!. man; "you are wise young fellow,
r Charley" "Yes, father; and | wish
You would adj $500 to it. I've got to
lay some debts. ."-We Epoch.
"Dairyman-"Got any dairy farms
to rentl'' Agent--"No, but have a
few acres which might do for one.
:, Grass on it," mo, nothing but clay.
!, Hum phi! Hasn't it even been culti-
= vated?' "No, it used to be brick
!, yard" "What is there on it, any
! thing az al!' at has never-fallina
J srring.' "rll take it, omaha
World.
i DR.. Lewis Swift, director of th'
. Warner Observatory at Rochester
|. states that the comet of 1S43 had
!" tail 200,000,000 miles long 1t is sucl
e statistics as this that tend to reconcil
n a man who is prone to step on ladies
3, gowns to the length of the drawing
e room trains of the period, The.
|, might be longer.-Neao York Iri
It bune.
u 81 saw you out with a half-dozel
les different girls during last week, Fred,
u said a friend. "The first thing yo,
Is know one of them will be suing yol
for breach of promise and getting S45
e 900 out of YOU "By GEORGE repli
y ed Fred, 81 wish ! could fed a gin
Is that could get that out Of me. L
70 !, marry her as soon as she got it,
j. Neao York S1n.
Or First political boss-No, sir, II
never put Blinks in Office again; h
amt honest. Second boss-Eh! Wha,
''He amt honest" "Wbat sort O j
quor are you driukin nowi" "rhe !
'R quor of experience, that's the sort II
drinkin'. That there dishonest felle
!, Bliuks accepted $4,000 from me al
IN then went into meetin' an voted tn
u other way Omaha World
!" Scan | sell you six bushels of peacf
( stones to-dayT" he boldly inquired a
- ~ he entered Cleveland confectiorer