Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-12
WIT AND HUMOR.


Journal.
Why not let the lawyers settle the
coal difficulty? They know all about
Coke and Blackstone, if the coal deal.
ers do know as much about Little-ton.
Boston Globe.
A gentleman may bring himself to
make New York visits in a handsome
| cab; but the carte de visite is the prop
er sort of wagon to go in.-NeaC Or
leans Picayu1e.
Ladies speak of short dresses as
''just clearing the floor" but really
the dress that just clears the floor is
the dress with four yards of train.-Bur
tingtOu Free Press.
Fashionable lady (to elevator boy)-
Is the elevator quite safe, little boy?
Boy with an eye on bustle) -Yes M;
but if it should drop you wouldn't get
hurt. -NeW York Sun.
Philosophers have noticed that when
a man makes up his mind that he has
got to practice economy, he generally
| tries to begin with his wife's expenses.
Journal Of Education.
"That, my DEAR" young Mr.. Haigh-
cede remarked to his bride, as he
pointed to the majestic form of the
bronze Liberty, 'sthat is the famous
statue of Jersey Lightning the World. y
-Pucb.
A New jersey court places the price
of stolen kiss at $1.15. According
to the way in which all things are reg
ulated, the supply must be nearly equal
to the demand in that State.-L0WeLl
| Citizen.
Young Mr.. Sissy Ito pretty cousin)
Do YOU know, Maude, that | have all
my hats made to order? Pretty cousin
They are lovely, Charles. Isuppose
the dealers don't carry such small
size in stock.-Epoch.
can eclipse of the moon at night al
ways seems to be more or less wasted,
George" she said, as she thoughtfully
brushed the powder from his shoulder;
1.-THE sun doesn't happen to do an act
this month, does it?"-Pucb.
The health journals and the doctors
all agree that the best and most whole
some part of the ordinary New Eng
land country doughnut is the hole
The larger the hole, they say, the bet
ter the doughnut. Of EducG-
ton.
1.-The mills of the gods grind slow
| w." Those mills were started before
the world was in such hurry as it is
now, and when it had grinding mo-
nopoly. New and improved machinery
will soon be necessary. Orleans
Picayatne.
Bible class, studying about Joseph
in prison and his relations to the chief
butler and baker, also interested in
the daily news. Teacher-Whom did
Joseph trust to get him out of prison?
Indian boy-Ben Butler. Hampton
| School Record.
Gentleman Ito tramp)-Why do you
ask for only penny, my man? Most
of you people want nickels and dimes.
Tramp-Yes, sir; but I'm a new hand
at the business, an / want to begin
right; make it dime, though, if you
like.-Nea0 York San.
1t has been proved beyond doubt
that the men of the present age are
larger, stronger and better-looking
than the men of any other generation
since the world began, and now let's
shuckle bit and get down to bust
uess.- Detroit Free Press.
Citizen to coal-dealer- 1 want
ton of coal. Coal-dealer All right
Shall we send it uo right away? Citi-
zen-O, no. II it's anything like the
last I'll just call for it on my way
home and carry it up in my overcoat
pocket Washington Critic.
He was talking to Kentucky audi
'ence on the subject of ne tariff Said
he, Take whisky, for instance, when
every man in the audience arose with
the remark, THANK you; don't care if
[ do" and the lecturer had to stand
treat or die.-1eras SJtimgs.
Mr.. Jinks (to landlady)-What kind
Dinkly? Landlady-I didn't say. I
simply ordered duck from the butch
er's, Mr.. Jinks Struggling with a
second joinD-I think lie has sent you
decoy duck.-T'e1aS SJtsngs.
Police Justice-'.William Snyde-
heller, you are accused of being a va
grant. What do you say about it?''
Prisoner-''It is a libel" 'How do
you make that out9' MY wife does
! the largest washing business in town"
Sixty days" -LjncoIn Journal.
'Gilt-edged paper?" said the dealer;
certainly, ma'am-we have quite an
| out of fashion for correspondence; but
there's still heavy stock manufact-
ured for the amateur poet trade. Show
you all you want, ma am. "-Ptcb.
1t has been decided in the Supreme
| Court of Pennsylvania that a person
may fry onions regardless of the in
convenience the odor of the cooking
gives to the neighbors. 1t is decisions
like this that make Anarchists out of
| hitherto inoffensive citizens.-Pittsbarg
| Chronicle.
Detroit has the greatest Solomon on
the bench. He has decided that a
dwelling-house is not house
unless some one lives in it. 1t follows,
then, that church is only a church
Sundays, and that Judge is an ass
only when he is on the bench. Detroit
| Free Press.
1t is stated that the recent spell OF
cold weather caused several dogs in
Beverly, n. j., to go mad. 1t is not
surprising. 1t has made hundreds OF
men mad, too-especially when they
found their water pipes burst, and the
! plaster soaked off the kitchen ceiling.
-NorriSto1O1 Herald.
There are times when a man should
not give up his seat in a street-car to
| even a lame woman. That time is
when II men are packed like sardines