The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1888-02-17
VARIETIES.

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"A chap being asked what he took for
cold, replied "Four pocket handkerchiefs
day"
There is nothing under the face of the sky
that can be quite so stuck up as sheet Of
stamps, when it tries to.
This is the way the world looks to
small New Orleans boy Mamma, what kin
is Cousin Matte to 2" She is your first
cousin" us she? Who's my last cousin :"
An honest life is always the best one.
Many men who would scorn to defraud even
to farthing's worth are dishonest towards
themselves, and liyein perpetual treachery 10
their consciences.
Let the weather. alone if you want il to
let you alone. The hottest man in the town
is the one who goes about with fan asking
everybody if il is hot enough, and appearing
to have charge of the weather.
-Laura-"So you are really engaged to
him. dear? He is forty, you say, and you
are twenty-just twice as old as you, love.
Dear me, when you are forty Ire will be
eightyp Clara-"Good gracious Ihadn'.
thought of that"
One day Ernest had been seriously lee
tured by his mother, and finally sent to the
yard to find switch with which he was to
be punished He returned soon, and said,
IL couldn't find any switch, mamma ; but
There is more coziness, more warmth,
more homelike friendliness in small house
with small rooms than there is in big house
with big rooms. The big house beWiders,
separates, silenCes and subdues its inmates.
They have not the elbow touch of compan.
ionship.
"A negro prisoner, on his way to the
penitentiary for larceny, was asked what he
thought of his trial. He said: "When dat
lawyer Tended me talked, made suah was
gwine to take my old hat and walk right out
of dat cot room; but when de odder LAWYER
got up and he gotto talking, knows was
de biggest rascal on de top of de earf."
Asking neighbor why mutual friend
had not financially prospered, he replied,
Charley knows the worth of one hundred
dollars, but not ofone dollar" That told the
story. And it tells the story of the fruitless-
ness of many in higher fields than that of secu-
lar business. They know the worth of the great
opportunities, but not of the smaller, every
day opportunities, and so lose ALL
Helen, four years of age, entitled to
prize at the Sunday. school, selected Tesla
ment. The next Sunday her teacher handed
her one it had Russia leather binding,
with extension covers, and band of elastic
to hold it together. Helen looked dissatis
fed. "What is it Helen didyou not want n
Testament ?" Eyes" she replied "but |
did not ask for one with garter on it,"
Church was over, and, as usual a CON-
pany of women were standing about the door
way talking and laughing, probably not con-
corning the sermon. Soon young man &C.
quainted with the group approached, say
ing: aren't you ever going home? You
are blocking up the way like Baalam's ass"
you are wrong there" replied young
lady with toss of the head. TT was the
angels who blocked the way and the ass made
fuss about it,"
"A Sunday School teacher began his ques-
tioning at the end OF the old year with the
query: "Are you better than you were last
year," A good many of the little fellowshadre-
piled :"Ycs, sill" but croupy boy on the back
seat had the courage of his convictions. ~
hain'tno betternor lever wuz," he said "but,"
he added by way of softening the harsh state
ment, 81 got e sorest froat of ANYBODY in
this class-I-l-I mos got dipferia."
"A sharp trick was played upon Lamb
ertville citizen few days ago He gave a
tramp pair of old pantaloons and was sur
prised shortly afterwards by the chap return
ing and giving him a five dollar note, which
he said he had found in one of the pockets.
So pleased was the citizen with the tramp's
honesty that he presented him with a silver
dollar, but imagine his rage upon discovering
shortly afterwards that the bill was counter
felt
An authority on pigs says that he never
thinks ofcutling off the tails of his pigs. The
tails are the indicators of the porker's condi.
ton Ifpiggy doesn't feel well, if his food
doesn't agree with him his tail begins to
straighten. The sicker the Fig, the straighter
the tail and the healthier the pig the tighter
the curl. The old theory that it takes a
bushel of corn to fatten an inch of tail, this pig
raiser scorns. The pigs tail is his pulse;
therefore never cut it of.
"A family living near church owns very
bright parrot. Every evening the bells of
the church ring the "Angelus," and recently
one of the little girls of the family was taught
to recte the appropriate prayer at the sound
of the bells. The parrot watched her care
fully, and the other evening, at the first
sound Of the chimes, dropped to the bottom
of the cage, put down his head and said the
first few words of the prayer. He has kept this
up ever since and is adding other words of
the prayer ms the little girl teaches them to
him.
Gleason, the horse tanner, says that the
word Whoa" should never be spoken 10
horse unless it is desired that he stop STILL A
lad near Albany knows what sound advice
this is. He was on a moving machine and he
fell in front of the knives; AS he fell he
shouted whoa" to his horses and they stop
ped. The cutting knife of the machine was
resting on top of the boys foot when he was
taken up. Had the horses taken single
step more the lads foot would have been
-Douglas Jerrold was considered dull
boy; at 0 years of age lie could scarcely read
Goldsmith very unpromisiEg boy. Dryden,
Swift, and Gibbon in their earliest work did
not show any talent. The mother of Sheri-
dan, herself a literary woman, pronounced
him to he the dullest and most hopeless Of
her sons The father of Barrow is said to
have exclaimed "1f it pleases God TO take
away any of my children, hope it will be
Isaac" The injudicious parent regarded the
lad as a miracle of stupidity, but he after
ward proved the glory of his family.
1t appears that Kaiser Wilhelm is q ter
ribly frugal old monarch as TO the use of his
overcoats and personal luxures of dress. His
valet has orders never to bring out certain
fur coat until the thermometer falls five de-
grees below zero. This year, when the gar
ment in question was brought out, the Kaiser
remarked that it wanted refining. "Your
Majesty, 1t is really necessary that you should
have q new one altogether" meekly suggest
ed the valet, ''the coat is worn out" "Oh,
no it will do well enough with another lin
ing" maintained the Emperor. II have
made inquiry, and have not had it yet as
long as soldiers overcoat should last"
Shrewd Farm Hand.