Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-05-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

H1GNtt q SlII may BC II SIC lines SOiiG
other young man better. Someruijle
Joarpai
A good many women who have mar
ried dry-goods clerks have got two
yards OF illusion as a premium
HGren Ne1Cs.
De man dat has de po'es' side oh de
Argument allus talks de loudes'; jis' ez
de mule kicks de mos desperate dat
has de le2s' cause.-Judge.
Butcher do not like to lose your
custom. What can do to make mat
tiers all right with you? Customer
Buy me a new set Of teeth.
Wife (after the theater) How lovely
the moon is tonight, John! Husband
Git was tive-act play)-Yesh, m dear
(hic), both of m beautiful.-Ne10 York
Sun.
Successful young artist tell you,
Jim, there is a big field for artists in
New York. Unsuccessful ditto-I sup.
pose you refer to the potter's field
Harper''s Bazaar.
Mrs. Riley fare yes on CALM
turns wild our neighbour" Mrs. Muir
phy-''ATe coorse I am. She called
me a thafe, an [ called her another"
Teas SJtings.
A young man ought not to propose
too gracefully. If he does the girl may
get the idea that he has had more eX-
perience than she deems Desirable
SO771erUiLle Journal.
1t is unfortunate for a Kansas man
to lose his bunch of keys. Until they
are recovered he is generally obliged
to 90 to the nearest river when he is
thirsty. Lincoln Journal.
81 never could see that AnaniaS told
such lies that he should be struck dead
for them" ''And who are you? I'm
a real-estate agent" ''Ah! That ex-
plains it."-Li32coJ2 Journal.
''How would I adviseyou to begin?''
responded an old actor to an aspirant
for stage glories. ''Well, the best
plan is to begin like a good dinner;
with the supe. "-Ne1O York Tribune.
Sunday-school teacher-Tommy, do
you know what themeaningo of Amen
is? Tommy Yes'm; it's what the
people say when they think it's time
for the minister to stop.-Nei0 York
San.
Jaggs - Yes, I proposed to her.
Baggs-And she gave you her hand
and with it her heart. Jaggs
exactly. Her father gave me his foot
and his sole went with it. Philadelphia
Call.
Popiniay = Well, Blobson, you've
made a pretty good thing out of the
grocery business, haven't you? Blob
son-O, yes, I've made a success of it
in small weigh.-Batrlingt01a Free
Press.
Spring is always a melancholy sea-
son to the New England farmer. In
the first place, there's the spring plow-
ing to be done, and then, besides, the
cider barrel is getting loW.-JouraaJ
| Of Education.
Customer (to barber)-That is not
the razor you usually shave me with,
Rastus? Barber-No, sab. I wah out
to er dancin' pahty last ebbenin' an !
| don left dat razor home in my dress
coat.-The Epoch.
He that cOnquereth himself is greater
than one who taketh a city. But both
| have to give way to the man who can
sit behind one of the spring bonnets in
a theater without thinking unutterable
things. Philadelphia Press.
Mr.. Saw (excitedly)-I tell you, the
| truth must out! Mr.. Instance (calm-
| ly)-Yes, indeed, and I notice that it
will out of some men so thoroughly
! that it doesn't seem to leave a trace be-
hind ''-PucL.
Small boy (whose ideas of heaven
are not totally disconnected with fall
stomach)-''Papa, will we have three
meals day in thenext world?" mo,
my son; but we will get our desserts
there. ''-JudSe.
He was baseball player, and he
asked girl to marry him. Out on
first" she said, with a cold, reflective
smile. Don't fiatter yourself" he re-
piled, as he picked himself up. Its
out on third. y Washington Critic.
Clara" said the old man from the
head of the stairs, ''has that young
man gone yet?" No, SIR" came
back an exceedingly prompt reply, and
it wasn't in Clara's voice either, ''but
he is going at once, sir. ''-The Epoch.
Young George, I'm not going
to the theater again till high hats 90 out
of fashion. I always have the bad luck
to sit behind one. George - That's
what heard the man say who sat be-
hind you last night.-Ne0 York. Irjb-
et12e.
Guest (to Florida landlord, who has
presented bilD-Does this include the
good will and fixtures? Florida land
lord-Good will and fixtures? Guest
Yes; don't want the hotel unless the
good will and fixtures so with it.-NeoC
York San.
Teacher Ito Tommy, whose father
is a miIkman)-Ton1my, how many
pints make a quart? Tommy-A quart
for instance. Tommy-Two pints; one
pint of water and one pint of milk.
The Epoch.
He Ito Miss Shawsgarden of St.Louis,
after the opera May not hope, Miss
Shawsgarden, that you will eat few
oysters before going home? She
Thanks, you are kind, Mr.. Mulebeel,
but | shall want but few, those peanuts
were so hearty.-Nea0 York Sun.
Husband (towife, home from church
Service interesting this morning, my
dear? Wife-Not particularly so. Mrs,
Cartol-Pell's baby was baptised, and
they say its baptismal robe of lace cost
$500. I think there is such thing as
being too reIigious.--Neo0 York San.
Stranger Ito young Mr.. DARWIN J
VIII you kindly tell me the time, sir?
Young Mr.. Darwin Consulting his
watch, Waterbury)-Aw,ju just u, sir