The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-04-12
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

AT the banquet OF the Army OF the
Tennessee, toast was proposed to The
Babies to which Mark Twain re-
sponded:
AS they comfort us in our.sOrrow, let
us not forget them in our festivities.
| like that. We haven't all had the good
fortune to be ladies, (Laughter) We
haven't all been generals or poets or
statesmen, But when toasts work down
to babies, we stand on common ground
for we have all been there; we have all
been babies. daughter and applause,)
1t is a shame that for thousands OF years
the worlds banquets have utterly ig-
nored the baby as if he didn't amount to
anything. If you gentlemen will stop
and think a minute; if you will go back
80 or 100 years of your early married
life Qaughter), and contemplate your
first baby, you will remember that he
amounted to good deal, and something
over. You soldiers, you all know that
when that little fellow arrived at head
quarters you had to hand in your resg.
nation. (Laughter.) He took entire
command. You became his lackey, his
mere body servant, and you had to stand
around too. He was not commander
who made allowances for time distance,
weather or anything else. You had to
execute his order whether il was posi-
BILE or not (laughter) and there was only
one form of marching in his manual of
tactics, and that double quick. He
treated you with every sort of insolence
and disrespect, and the bravest OF you
didn't dare to say word. You could
face the death-storm of Donnelson and
Vicksburg, and give back blow for blow
(applause), but when he clawed your
whiskers, and pulled your hair and
twisted your nose you had to take it.
(Laughter.) When the thunders of war
were sounding in your ears you set
your face toward batteries and advanced
with steady tread; but when he turned
on the terrors of his war whooDs you ad
vanced In another direction Qaughter) (;
and mighty glad of the chance, too.
When he called for soothing syrup, did
you venture to throw out any side re.
marks about certain service being unbe.
coming an officer and a gentleman !?
daughter No, you got up and got it,
If he ordered his pap bottle did you talk
back? No sir. you went to work and
warmed it. You even went so far in
your mental office as to take sup of the
warm, insipid stuff yourself to see if it
was right, three parts water to one of
milk, a touch of sugar to modify the
collie and drop of peppermint to kill
the immortal hiccOugh l can taste it
yet. (ROars of laugter)
And how many things you learned as
you went along. Sentimental young
folks still take stock in that beautiful
old saying, that when the baby smiles in
his sleep it is because angels are whs-
pering to him, Very pretty. but too
thin. daughter Simply wind ON the
stomach. My friends, if the baby pro-
posed to take walk at his usual hour,
2:30 in the morning, didn't you rise up.
promptly and remark with a mental adj
dition which wouldn't improve the Sun
day school book much. that it was the
very thing you were about to propose
yourself? (Roars.) Oh yes, you were
under good discipline and as you went
futtering up and down the room in your
undress uniform, you not only prattled
undignified baby talk but you tuned up
your martial voice and tried TO sing
Rock by, baby, in the tree top, for in
stance. What spectacle for the Army
of the Tennessee (roars of laughter), and
what an afflction for the neighbors, too 4
For it isn't everybody within a mile
around that likes military music at 81
o'clock in the morning, and when you
had been keeping this sort Of thing up
two or three hours and your little velvet
had intimated that nothing suited him
like exercise and noise, what did you
say? You simply went on till you
dropped in the last ditch. Great laugh
teri The idea that baby don't amount
to anything Why, one'baby'is just a
house and front yard by itself. II one
baby can't furnish more business than
you and your interior department can
attend to, he is not enterprislng. IRE
pressibe, brimfull of lawless activity do
what you please you cannot make him
stay on his reservation. prolonged
laughter.J Sufficient unto the day is one
baby, AS long as you are in your right
mind don't you ever pray for twins
Yes, it was high time for the toast mas
ter to recognize the Importance Of ba
bies. Think what is in store for the
present crop.
Fifty wears hence we shall all be dead,
l trust, and then this flag if it still sur
wives. and let us hope that it may, will
De HOdNluR ONCl ItPuOiib huhlocih ing
200, 900 900. According to the settled
laws of increase, our present schooner
of state will have grown into a political
leyiathan Great Eastern, and the Graded
babies of to day will be on deck, Let
them be well trained, for we are going
leave a big contract on their hands. ZAP
plause) Among the three or four mill
lion cradles now rocking in the land are
some which the nation would preserve
ages as sacred things II we could know
which ones they are In one OF these
cradles an unconscious Farragut of the
future is at this moment teething. Think
of it. And putting in the world Of dead
earnest, unutterable, but perfectly JUS
tifiable profanity over it, too. Laugh
teri In another future astronomer is |
blinking at the shining milky substance
with but languid interest, the poor little |
chap, and wOnderiDg'what is to become
of him. In another a future great his