The Progress., 1888-10-06
MISCELLANEOUS.

1 "A soldier who was seem TO take Oh
bis cap while using the telephoue, in
formed questioner that he did SO be-
cause he was talking to hls superior
officer. s
The man who finds faa1t with
every thing, usually does so because
he wants to get even on the amount Of
fault that is found with him. Merchant
lrGveler.
An even temper laughs at the ther-
mometer, and better is flannel shirt
with coolness and contentment than a.
sealskin oVercoat with a forward mind
IN Y. Sun.
'Cholly.'I say, Binx, did you
ever witness a burial at sea?i' Binx-
! No. never saw a burial, but we had
wake behind us all the way over last
tsip. Harper's B0gar.
''It takes year, my DEAR said
an old lady to a bride. of couple of
months who was anxious about her
husband s affection, ito, know man
and, then you know nothing about him.
Doctor (to patient, who complains
OF a great numbered troubies): ..What
a splendid fund of health you must pos
sesss my dear madam, to, maintain it
against SO many attacks F'kiegende
Bzatten..
The young lady OF fFon du Lac who
heard that bathers at the seashore were
required to wear trunks purchased two
extra: Saratogas for the purpose
Northwestern.
Some of those olds saws. have q
great deal to answer for. For'instance,
if somebody hadn't once said, cit. is
never too: late to mend" probably a
good many people would not be post
poning the process SO long Shoe and
Leather Reporter.
"A certain means of stopping a. dog
fight or loosening a vicious dogs: hold
upon any thing is showering something
over the animal that will produce
sneezing. Be his will power ever so
strong the motion of sneezing, invol-
UNFAIRLY: opens a dogs jaw: Pepper
answers very well, but snuff is-the best.
as it can be used without limit.
e Why can't they make these dunn
mics more lfelike?" said a, facetious
fellow, hating with friend in front of;
a clothing store on Market street and
slapping a figure a vigorous blow on
the cheek. TIE dummy turned
suddenly, let fly his left. and the face
tious man wentdown on the pavement
as though struck by a lightning, ex-
press. Philadelphia Times.
81 left the business long ago. said
the ex-umpire, "but it seems to follow
me still, even to my own home.'' ..How
is that?" asked his auditor. ssWeu.
my son works in an iron mill and my
daughter is a fine young lady. I,go,
home at night and find my boy on.a
strike and my girl gone on balls and
parties. Even my wife gives me chicken
wings-foul tips, you know" And the
old umpire sighed. Piitts1sergh, Caron-
icle.
One night at a meeting asnegro
prayed earnestly that he and his breth-
rem might be preserved from what he
called their 'upsettin' sins.'' 'sBrud-
DER" one of his friends said, ssyou amt.
got de hang OBJ dat ar word. It's be
settin', not 'upsettin' :. - ssBrudder,','
replied he, '.if that's so, it's so; butt
was prayin' de- Lord to save us from ,de,
sin OBJ 'toxicatfon. an if dat ain'ta,up--
settin' sin. / dunno what am.,,'
"A girl who by chance was conn
PEELED to washa her face with the juice
of watermelon found it so soothing
that she continued it and to her joyful
surprise discovered that her freckles
We're disappearing. She applied the
new wash with more vigor than ever;
and soon they were entirely gone. This.
makes the even 1000 things which
are said to be sovereign remedies, for
freckles.
New York dame 81 thing you.G Chi
cago married folks ought to,liye. to-
gether, if only for appearances sake..
just think what an awful regulations
all these divorces give your city pr
Chicago dame-'Well, you see Chica-
go, has NO nearby summer resort to.
which all the married. women can 90.
every spring and not see their hus-
bands oftener than once a.. month, as
you do, in New York, you. know. -:
Omaha World.
Judge Ito prisoner whn has just
been brought into. court )-..What is
your namep' Prisoner Billings.'
Judge-.sWhe are, YOU from, MIR.
Billings?' Prisoner .I.refuse tostate,
ias-ssaeh information has nothing to- do
with the case.' Judge But We viii
compel you tosstate, sir" Prisoner
"Fhat will bea dangerous proceeding,
! u assure you. | shot a judge once"
Judge (musingly) s'The, prisoner is
from Kentucky. .''Arbansaao Traveller
Telephone operators receive lots of
queer, foolish and funny calls every
where. Bat a fellow here gave the ex-
change good one, the other day. He
rang up and called for s.the wagon
yard. " When asked ssWhat wagon
yardp" replied: s.Whyt the one left