The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1888-02-15

NO'
The dog Is not much of a pedestrian,
but hc can make an unlimited number OF
laps In a very short space.
Don't dance young men should par
take of 'hop bitters.' 1t might lubricate
their limbs n little.
1t is a great honor to be a rear admiral,
but, curiously enough, we never heer of
q rerr general or rear high private.
There is a certain corset factory that
turns out two corscts a minute. This is n
striking illustration of haste making waist.
See that your animals are made comfort
able when the mercury Is playing about
the zero point.
OF all dark traits that d~isEgurc the hui
man race, that Of wishing to belittlc Oh de-
grade the charatcr of another is the lowest.
An Investigator has come to the conclu
sion that women have a larger proportion
OF brown eyes than men.
There is nothing under the face Of the
sky that can hc quite so stuck up as n sheet
OF postage stamps when IL tries to.
The girls have formed a "kiss trust"
and now the boys arc talking of prosecuting
them under the law which profits the fore,
Sailing of ncccssaries of life.
ooh, very beautiful are little girls,
And goodly to the sight"
So John G.. SAKE wrote years ago,
And John G.. SAKE was right.
Quite beautiful arc little girls,
And pleasing to the view;
Their rosy checks and clustering curls
like to see. Don't you?
Yes, very beautiful are little girls,
And yet the dullest prig
Will willingly agree with me
They're prctticr when they're big.
Wifc-O, doctor, benjamin seems to be
wandering in his mind! Doctor (who knows
Benjamin)-Don't trouble about that; he
can't go far.
Tho age Of a tree is determined by the
number of its rings, but it is not safe to
apply this rule to the bejcwelled ovcrripc
madam or the %ovcrgrown monopoly.
Sometimes it Is hard to tell whether a
man is firm In principle or simply obstinate,
but the man himself never expresses any
doubt.
1t was the young tailor who said, refcrr-
ing to a rival for the affections Of n younp
lady, that he thought he knew enough to
be able to cut him out.
When you see two dogs growing and
getting ready to fight, remembe. that il Is
only a joint debate, and the ~livclicst dog
Will get away with the joint.
YES" said Smith, when the United
States gives away lands to railroad corpo
rations II sinks to the level of a colportcur."
"How Is thatf' asked Jones. because it
becomes a tract distributor"
A girl who weighs one hundred and
twenty pounds and mas thirty thousand
dollars In her own right, no matter how
homely, unattractivc or cross. tempered she
may be, is worth her weight in gold.
"Wha is your employment" asked his
Honor of a prisoner arraigned for vagraucy
the other day, Walking, sir" Where
which way the policeman is coming from"
Physician TO patienU-Your case is a
very serious one, sir, and | think a consul
tation had better he held. Patient Zoo
sick to care for anything)-Very well,
doctor; have as many accompliccs rs you
like.
II began with nothing" boosted a mil.
~lionaire who had made his money in
crooked ways. And that is the condition
in which you have left those who dealt
with you" was the blunt response of a
by%stander.
lit is said that women are not naturally
fnanciers. This is just about as true as
the statement that all crows are white.
Hand a five-dollar bill to the fair occupant
of a bazaar at a church fair, and see how
much change you get back. O no, women
are not %flnanciersl o no!
A beautiful girl In San Francisco has
been sound asleep for seyenty-three DAYS.
Well, don't fool with her, boys. These
pretty girls turn out to be mighty wide
awake sometimes when their eyes seem to
be shut.
Come and dine with me today, Grind
stone" said Kiljordan; 'thc bill of fare
will just suit you. Calves brains is the
principal dish" "Ill come, Kiljordan,"
said Grindstoi,e, "in order that you may
have one man at the table who can eat
calves brains without making a cannibal
Of himself"
A lady sent q luxurious easy. chair back
to the factory three times TO have the seat
made "a little softer, then "a little harder"
and SO On. Finally 1t suited her exactly,
and she paid for 1t. The chair seat had
not been touched. This Is the way our
mothers fooled our fathers when their shirts
did not fit.
Take a teaspoonful OF English, CD
A modicum of Dutch,
OF Italian just a trile,
And of Gaelic not too much;
Some of Russian and Egyptian,
Add them unto the whole,
With just enough to flavor
OF the lingo OF the Pole.
Some CiDgalese and Uottentot,
A suspicion, too, Of French,
OF native Scandinavian
A pretty thorough drench;
Hungarian and Syrian,
A pinch of japanese,
With just as much OF Ojlbbeway
And Turkish as you please.
Now stir 1t gently, boil 1t well,
And IL you've decent luck
The ultimate reslduum
You'll find Is Yolapukl