Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1888-12-06

RAPID CHICAGO.
The PiteouS lament Of Visitor From
the SlolC Paris Of Amerfca.

the Slolc Parts Of America.
In despair of overtaking Chicago,
Cincinnati Enquirer man invents new
complaint against her, and writes thus;
A days soiourn in this city by viriu-
Gus and unsophisticated denizen of Gin
cinnati reveals many strange features OF
the peculiarities of the human race as rep
resented by the people of Chicago. 1t
would probably be unkind to say that
the people of Chicago are all cranks, be-
cause their peculiarities may be caused
by something else. But they are
mighty queer lot. If YOU 60 into res
taurant and ask for meal or lunch
the waiter will ask YOU ifyou want 1t on
the fly.
"On the Ay?" you repeat. "What do
you mean by thatY
"Will YOU sit down and eat, or d. you
wish to have your order served while you
are proceeding at a rapid gait through
the streets?'
Great God, man, do you serve meals
to people in that fashion here?"
Certainly, sir If you are in hur-
ry 10 turn a trick You need not lose a
moment in taking your lunch. Well fit
you out in the best style and send a man
along with you to hold in front of you
the meal, Of which you can partake while
you rapidly walk in any direction"
Mott if know myself You just give
me chair with plenty Of beeswax on the
seat, and chain The whole business to the
floor 50 that I can eat in peace. I'm no
photograph shop on Wheels
"Very good, sir. You're not resi-
dent Of Chicago, see?'
you can bet a hundred to one amt,
and I'm in with You as often as you can
get takers. And, furthermore, | don't
want to be resident of Chicago if that's
the way fellow is expected to live"
Desperation seized upon him when he
tried in vain to find out where a street
was and scheme was determined upon
in the hope that they would come his
way the next deal. A street was found
where ditch about Is feet deep had
been dug, probably in search Of war
rumor with which to work the market.
\ stand was taken alongside Of the
ditch, and the first man that came along
was yanked into the cavern by the writer,
who proceeded to jump on top Of the vic
tim with both feet before escape was pos
sble. Then followed the dialogue given
below:
Say"
"Want to buy or SELF" interrupted
the Chicago citizen. May, June, July,
spot or anything"
Buy nothing, colonel. want some
Information"
"Waut a pointer, eh p
YES"
commission in advance. Twelve dol
lars and half; please"
Thunder and Mars, man, you don't
propose to charge me $3.50 for telling
me where Randolph street is, do you?'
"Dusiness, young man. Come to cen
tire, and be quick about it. You owe me
S18 now"
"What for?7
Time lost. Settle"
By the time the chump from Cincinnati
could climb out Of the ditch he was COM
PEELED to telegraph home for money.
The correspondent, desiring 10 get
even, fixed up a scheme of his Own, and
here is how it was worked Accosting a
wealthy gentleman who was found in a
pocket formed by several different streams
Of people all trying to 2, in opposite di-
rcctions, so that the wealthy gent couldn't
get away, the writer said to him:
you owe me S36. Pay me right
now"
"How do l come to owe you anything?
"For time expended on your account"
an what way?"
In telling you that you owe me s36.
"Wby, - glad to meet YOU, sir.
You mnst be the original settler Of Chi
cago."
Finding hackman who looked as
though he had made all the money he
wanted for one day, the jehu's confidence
was sought. He was told that the mi-er-
able wretch who respectfully addressed
him had just $500 left, and would the
hackman guarantee to take him to any
depot on earth where a train could be
taken Immediately for any place in the
world out Of Chicago, the understanding
being that the hackman was to take the
$500, and to see that DO other Chicago
Indian .calped him between there and