Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1888-03-17
BILL NYe AND BURGLARS.
ffe Thinks They Are Favored More Than
Other People.

Other People.
Bill Nye writes to The New York World
from St Joseph, Mo-: When reached this
! point yesterday found in a buShel basketful
of forwarded letters the following peculiar
epistle:
DEAR SIR-Along with other good citizens am
pleased to see the humanitarian effort now being
made to devise some form OF quick and painless
death for our mIrderers and other criminals who
may have TO suffer the death penalty. Such eff
forts denote a refined and cultivated society," one
that would in no way countenance the slightest
| INJURY even to the most wicked dude that smokes
cigarettes ou the elevated stations.
As one good turn deserves another, and as by
some chance one of these nice, good intentioned
people may. under an unlucky star, come in con-
tact with one Of my profession engaged in his
regular business. you would most certainly fill a
long felt want if you would invent some quick and
painless method for a criminal to murder his vic
tim. Murders are too often lingering and pain
full. Why should there not be a reform in that
way: Should you kindly lend your genius to help
our profession in that way you would gain the
lasting gratitude of the public well as Of
many BURGLARS.
New York Feb. 81, 1888
In replying briefly to the above, l will
state that II burglar ever came TO my house
for a favor and went away disappointed,
provided | was able 10 contribute TO his
wants and provided he went at it in the right
way. have never jumped Gu n burglar be-
hind his back or taken advantage of my
great strength TO do him up.
When a burglar is in my house he is my
guest Ii he is willing to take things as he
finds them he will have no trouble with me.
But l believe that, as class, burglars are
already favored more than other people.
Burglars presume too much, think. Be
cause they have free entree and carte blanche
to the drawing rooms of our best people, they
want the earth and make themselves dis
agreeable do not wish TO hurt the feelings
of my correspondent, especially if he takes
the paper regularly, but for one / am going
TO quit protecting and fostering the infant
industry Of American burglary as against
the pauper burglar of Europe. Let us get
our burgling done by the best and cheapest
methods Let our burglary take its chances
in competition with that of effete monarchies,
Just as everything else will have to do some
day In the meantime do not propose to do
anything in newspaper way that will look
like an attempt to retain the burglar vote.
Let the burglar rustic for his wages the
way l do and the way other workingmen do
paid because their work keeps them up nights
SO much, but newspaper men have to work
nights also and unless they can rob n pros
porous burglar once in a while they have a
hard row to hoe.
And what have the burglars ever done for
me that should now be called upon to ad-
vance their interests!
When they had no other place to go, have
81, ,1t to 70
house! And how have they rewarded my
hospitality! When they went through my
house last year and found a condition of
things which would have moved the stoniest
heart, what did they do! They stole a valu-
ablo autograph album which had been sent
me TO write in, and had it to pay for. They
took valuable umbrella which l had bor-
rowed n few years ago, and which intended
to return tn the owner after n while. They
ate some aold rice and sorghum which had
been SET aside for the use of other guests.
and then they left the gate open so that COWS
got in and ate up my lima beans.
Now | am asked to use my influence in the
direction of better sand bag facilities for
burglars and n more reliable style of rapid
transit between the tax payer and the New
Jerusalem.
In years past will admit that l was run
ming for office good deal, and had to do
things that would retain the burglar vote,
but now | am firm in my convictions and
outspokeu for what believe to be right A
man engaged in trying to be his own sue
ccssor il the portfolio of justice of the peace
is not a free moral agent. 1t is more or less
so in other offices, but it is especially so with
a justice of the peace.
now propose, with the help of the Ameri-
can people and an earnest, manly effort on
my part, to shake off the tu.glar and come
out and take higher ground. Henceforth my
voice will be heard in more or less stentorian
tones in the interests OF humanity. Pros
porous burglary, which gets a second trial,
will he regarded the same as less fortunate
petty larceny, which gets ninety days.
Burglars who may have voted for me in
the old days are hereby notified that the auto
graph album and lima beans offset that &c
count, and that it is my earnest wish, so far
as it is in my power, during the remaining
years which may be granted me, to live
down and forget the dark and devious days
when was in politics. | believe that easier
and more painless methods for the admins
trution of capital punishment will soon be
the law will not be entitled TO any more
glory of flowers than one who dies of pneu-
monia. To that end l am willing TO work.
When that is accomplished l will devote my
hating powers to the further amelioration of
our race But the burglar has no further
political claims on me.
Men who visit New York from q distance
desiring to purchase greenbacks at forced
sale or to obtain gold bricks of those who are
compelled TO sell them for a mere song, will
always be ameliorated SO long as my good
right arm shall not forget her cunning.
lam willing to do what l can for the pro-
motion of science and the painless pulling of
burglars, but this IL as far as would go
l hope that our correspondence
will not continue any longer. Burglars who
pleased and entertained me when T. was in
politics have long since ceased to do so. The
truth Of the matter is that while all other
professions have made rapid progress, poll
tics and burglary are just where they were
lC0 years ago.
One reason why burglary has not made
more rapid strides | believe to be because
burglars do not advertise. They rely solely
upon their insight and keen penetration. Tho
result is that burglars and burglary have
fallen of do not believe in trying to help
a profession so abundantly able to help
itself. BILL NYE-