Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1888-02-16
NAPOLEON HENRY co, OHIO FEBRUARY. l6. 1888.

i NJ lulb hlblt OF the QlACuSHiOu loud shouts
were heard in the direction Of the landing,
and Blackstone appeared with the new con-
vert on his arms. HurFah boys, have got
religion, who cares for expences how many
OF them turkeys did you say you wanted
how many watermelons? somebody come
with me, I'll fetch 'um. The man who had
stole the watch welt with him-we saw that
things must be done up in a hurry. Some
one nominated your reporter as High Priest,
while another man about the same heft was
nominated Associate Pastor, the ayes and
nays were called for and we were elected by
reclamation. 1t was moved that the new Of
ticials should adopt the titles of Bishop and
High Priest, not from any particular honor
that would accrue from ii, but as means of
distinguishing one from the other, as we
were about the same heft and build. Two
officers were elected and were TO be known
one as Destroying Angel, and the other as
Recording Angel. The Offices of the pastors
were made perpetual and they could not be
removed but by resignation. The executive
the Destroying Angel had the casting vote.
The Recording Angel kept the books and the
records of the church, and succeeded to the
Priesthood when vacancy occurred. The
church as it stood consisted of twelve char
ter members, one new convert and four Of
tcers including the pastors. All the minor
details we're to be attended to hereafter, and
ed. The church was now in working order
and only awaited the arrival of the new con-
vert with his fruits and meats for repentance.
The new convert soon arrived and was re-
ceived with open arms; he was invited to re-
late his religious experience. but as he was
In somewhat of an exhausted state, he merely
said that the old woman raised sheol, and
said he had gone crazy. But what does
woman know about war or politics, said he.
Meantime he was taken to the landing and
given additional spiritual consolation, after
which he was permitted to retire and medi-
tate on the imutability of human events,
across log.
The officials of the church retired to a Sc
cluded spot for consultation. Meantime the
hewers of wood and drawers of water we're
busy preparing the contributions of the new
convert for dinner. Word was sent to q
young student of medicine who had studied
about six weeks, to visit the new convert and
report in writing as to his mental and physi-
cal condition. gentle breeze waited a fra
grant perfume to our nasal organs that told
US that we had at last struck our forte-the
smell of roast turkey made impressions on
, us that told US that we were born for the
Priesthood. The medical man returned and
reported that he found the new convert as
follows: Mental faculty active, respiration
A normal, pulsation 102, the other members of
, his body dormatory. He said that he did
! not know whether this report was strictly in
! conformity with medical grammar or not,
/ but he thought it would do in this case.
o About this time dinner was ready and we
. found that roast turkey and watermelon
/ were good substitute for mush and milk
!: Dinner being over, the Recording Angel
q called the audience together and motion
. was made that the synod proceed at once tc
business, as several members had petitions
4 to present to the council, of different kinds
x as soon as order was restored. The chair, OF
v rather the stump, announced it was
a ready to hear any proposition that the diff
d ferent committees or members had to pre-
g sent. brother that had been in nearly al
q the churches that would take him, rose anC
q said that his business called him away mos
: of the time-he would like a certificate O
g membership. stating the name of the church
e ITS creeds and dogmas.
n The Recording Angel was ordered to Civ
IT tne member certincate OF membership, al
Q so stating that ne was in good standing whel
taken IN, that TINS church was known as tn
it Church OF Divine Fragments" and as thi
70 was country Wltnout hlng, SO this was
+ church without creed, and stood on tn
e worlds record as the 666th kind of religion
k that this world was blessed with.
IT AS ne sat down announcer member rose ant
II moved that the Recording Angel be instruct
If ed to enter on the church records that no fe
e male be admitted to membership in thi
"a ohoA~A -. 1oiA oiio ole'iA ha'O Pdnoeu Htr oOt
x year. This motion was received with groan
ID and misses, and the member sat down in con
id fusion. The stump ruled that the membe
,e be allowed to give his reasons for such a.
4 unheard of proposition; he rose again to hi
Ii feet and gave the following reasons: Ell
is said that In passing through this vale of tear
q his besetting sin was lasciviousness, that al
"a though he admitted that he had been some
,e what prodigal in his habits and expenses,
had all been caused by this, his besettinO sir
10 that the female race and the doctors ha
as caused him to shed more tears than woul
a float "a gun ship, and that he hoped hi
If proposition would receive favorable con
Il sideration by the council.
If After few minutes private consultation
Il the Bishop gave mouth to the decision of th
b synod as follows: The motion of the brothe
that all women kind should be deprived O
N the benefits of church and clergy for tn
pr reasons set forth in his petition, is most de
Ze cidedly sat down on. His motion remind
us of a fable we read in our boyhood days il
,e q book called Esop's Fables. A fox had los
ar his tail in trap, he called q meeting o
r. all the foxes and laid before them the advan
al tages of having their tails cut off, that Will
ia pursued by hounds the tail often got wet il
r the snow, thus causing the death of many
A. gallant fox, and hs moved that it become tn
at fashion that all foxes have their tails cut of
a. A sly old reynard replied that when we ge
"a in the same fix you was, we will be glad +
IA part with our tails, too.
n Now with all due regard to the sentiment