Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-03-07

A. MICH, WEDNESI
WIT AND HUMOR
Customs officers are noted for at
tending to duty.
Suitable dover for widow-a Wild
ower.-National Weekly.
There is nothing that will warm up
mans language so much as drop
ping chunk of ice down his back.
Star.
According to the decision of an AL
bany Judge, a mans legal residence
is the place where he has his washing
done. This seems to leave our friends
the Anarchists, out in the cold.-Ex.
"If it were customary in this coun-
try to confer titles upon men who
rank in literature, what would l be ?"
asked a conceited journalist of his sem
ior. "Baron of Ideas" was the terse
reply.-Texas Siftings.
Father-What do you think of a
boy that throws banana skin on the
sidewalk?
Son-I don't know. What do you
think Of a banana skin that throws a
man on the sidewalk ?-Life.
First little cherub-My aunt has
got false hair. Second little cherub-
So has mine. But mine has got false
teeth. don't care, my aunt has got
false teeth, too, and yesterday | heard
ma say she had false tongue.--Ma-
con Telegraph.
There comes a time in every little
girls life when she is seized with a
longing to cook. And there comes a
time in every big girls life when she
is seized with longing to hire some
body else to cook. 1t comes after she
gets married.-Ex.
1t has been estimated that the sun
cannot be relied on to furnish us light
and heat for more than 100000
years more. Mr.. Keely will have to
hurry up with his motor, if he expects
to make anything from it before
everything goes to smash.-Star.
The story that used to be told twen-
ty years ago of droll use of the edi-
torial "our" still holds its own against
all antecedent Of the editorial 1--WE"
1t was Maine editor who did the
deed. "For some shocking effects of
intemperance," he wrote on his first
page, "see our insides. Star.
"My little boy" said a gentleman,
"you ought not to eat those green APP
Piles. They are not good for little
boys"
"Thcy amt, eh p the boy replied,
with his mouth full. Guess you don't
know much about 'em, mister Three
Of these apples II keep me out of
school for week. ."-Ex.
He just introduced What a
very homely man that gentleman near
the piano is, Mrs. Hobson.
Mrs. Hobson-Isn't he That is
Mr.. Hobson.
He [equal to the occasion]-Oh, in
deed How true it is, Mrs Hobson.
that the homely men always gets the
pretty wives --Ex.
Irate guest-Sir, have not had a
decent meal since ] have been in the
house.
Landlord-What do you call de-
cent meal
Why, decent meal for decent
man.
All, that opens up question re-
garding yourself Free Press.
The autographometer, recently in
vented, not only records the distance
passed over by the vehicle, or what
ever it is attached to, but also the
course taken and the difference of lev
el and topography of the ground.
Women will not think they have their
full rights until they can compel their
husbands to carry autograpbometers
on lodge nights,-Ex.
YES" said Miss Clara to her boz
som friend, Miss Ethel, 81 met young
Mr.. Folderol last evening, and, Ethel,
he is perfectly delightful"
"Does he wear whiskers ?" inquired
Miss Ethel, with equal enthusiasm.
"Whiskers J why Ethel, he has
such lovely muttonchop whiskers
that it makes one hungry to look at
hem."-Harper's Bazaar.
This is how gentleman got his
wife. When, in tobacconist's shop,
he asked girl behind the counter,