Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1886-1890, 1888-12-12
REPLF.


JOSEPH 2. WILSON.
REPLY
NJ DEAR JosEPH-In your favor Of "a
rent date. which has just come 70 hand, you
ask me if could not undertake TO mitigate
the blemishes Of the sanctum bore in general,
and Of yourself in particular.
Yes, l suppose l could, but don't ike 20
do it, and viii give you few reasons for
NV apparent Indifference.
In the first place my testimony in your be
half would be Of decidedly negative char
ncter. might ask the public, for instance,
10 suspend its opinion as 70 your completely
n the WhitechaDeI horrors until you had
been regularly exrradited and convicted by
the courts.
Or I might even strain point and con
cede that possibly you were innocent because
you lacked the opportunity, or were 100
cowardly TO take advantage Of it; tut would
YOU derive any comfort from a compliment
tarv notice Of this kinda trow not.
From what l know about Office bores.
think might safely refer TO you as a COM
binatiOn Of Jesse Pomerov, the boy fiend, and
AnaniaS, but L do not purpose 20 do anything
Of the kind. Why should ] bestow such IN
deserved praise on youa Why should drag
their names through the mirei
There are other and weighty reasons why
7 should not encourage the sanctum bore. II
festoon your brow with the laurels Of ia
vorable newspaper criticism, the midnight
ASSASSIN. the fiend who leaves the door open
IN winter. the wife beater, and all the other
hvenas Of social life will want TO know why
l have neglected 10 puff them.
Even the barber, with his velvety breath, his
double action, self adjusting, automatic, oS
cillatiug conversational aperture, and whose
thumb tastes Of the kerosene lamps he has
5een fIlIug-even he VIII expect a fattering
personal notice. After my putting you it is
not unlikely that the friends Of Guiteau viii
expect me TO wbitewash his memory, and
how can I consistently refuse 70 do It after
have coudo1ed the offenses Of the sauCtum
bore!
L is true that some years ago, while jerk
inz the Archimedian lever OF Texas news
paper, I brought out for congress a man who
Is now serving out term ii the penitentiary,
but he was a personal friend OF mine, and a
gentleman who held my note for borrowed
"a aney. while you do not even inclose a post
are stamp 10 return y6ur vile epistle. No,
Joseph. I suppose you think you deserve an
clause and an encore, but you have brought
gour pigs TO the wrong market Under no
circumstances can I ever be more than SIS
ger 90 you.
have had upwards Of twelve years sad
azperience with Office b5res-- II am bitter
Il is 10 wonder When a journalist has been
bitten as much as I have been he naturally
becomes bitter.
There are several distinct types Of sanctum
b5res, bue I have only space 70 describe
few Of them There Is, for instance, the eS-
change fend, who paws over your unopened
exchanges and selects the best ones for HIM
se.f. He usually reads them with his legs On
your desk, which he joggles while you try to
write II this type Of bore IS not promptly
suppressed he will ask you for tie key o.
your postotice box
Then there Is the bore who imaGiles he IS
doing YOU a favor by imQarcing, IN q whisky
laden breath, important scoops about his cat
having six peculiarly marked kittens, or that
de himself Is going 70 run for Office, and be
wants the public 70 know It. Like poor
musician, this style OF sauctum bore has no
regard for tiule-the editors time He i 4
greater bore than the st. G0thard tunnel
through the Alps. He IS q very nice man TO
20 of somewhere and start a desert, but be
uever does. II he knew orly half as much
rs he talked there would lie no demand for
encyclopedias. He talks about eight hours
On the stretch, and 20 every body II the town.
he is not a humorist by any manner ii means,
but his tongue IN the EreStest wag on earth
Coufdentially, nv dear Joseph. [ believe
YOU unite all the bad qualities Of these sew
eral types Of Office bo-es, but l hesitate %
saw so, becaGse yoa may be great deal
worse, and probably are However, l give
You the benefit OF the doubt.
No doubt some uninitiated reader viii ask,
Why not give the bore a hint TO leavei Civ
inc a chronic bore . hint has about as much
effect on hin a pinchi2g q cows horn has on
the cow. be should be slung down the ele-
~ator shaft. Then his fast stIfening corpse
should be rIn backwards and forwards
through the paper cutter fer few hours,
aud what IS left OF him might be thrown
into the stereotype kettle he might take a
hint Of that kind, but As for any other hint
be would never take it, no matter how often
Il Is given 70 him.
4 long suffering journalist orce hung rp
IN I conspicuous place n his saIc1ur1 the To-
lowing rules:
On. HAVE IT PUBLISHED " A PAMPHLET.
WRITE IT DowN AND We VIII. READ x NEXT
SUNDAY.
CTR IT SHORT, OR We WILL HAVE TO GIT
OFT TWO EDITIONS
TIE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT; TZoC SHALT
NOT Buzz.
The editor foa1lv imagined that his VS.
tiers would take tse hint, particularly after
bc had requested them 70 read i, but none
OF them took Il 70 themselves. Ezch enc
supposed i WIS Ilea-- for some o-1er bora
TIE s2ncrun bore Is generally q very s--ial
c-IIber, but he Ests there - the SANE You
Get u,oro wind OFT OF 10 cezs fan than you
d from = s5G0 &C. i Is 12s sa--e wl.l tel
ce1- men
Then, again, there is tie hi,sriocslv drunk
bore. ous lie is only q terapo---- VISITOR. Ia
<isits the editors odice and breaks tor1l into
song. his fevorite selection Is, We Went
Co Homo TIL Morning ard be Is extremely
Partial TO anything WIKI q ZIP, hi2, h0TTAa'
-73-rs 20 ii. When be : drunk enough tc
osTl On the editor he usually has dis hat q
IA s.lie of his head aad mud on Ms coat tai.
Tzs editor don't mind him, for 3 soon 6 be
Is rine. Il he IS not harvested by his friends
ard hacEdriver, he Is liable % be pulled b=
TIE Police
There is also an egctisrical bore, who II
tests newspaper Offices. He never asks the
editors opinion about ANYTHING, but. n ar
an Sir Oracle surt az & way, says i fee
~ an positt-e thst." u tel YOU, 50 Ii