Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-08-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

A silent partner is one who supplies
the money for firm and keeps his
mouth shut when it is being squander-
ed.-NeaC Orleans Picayatale.
Old lady Ito boy in shoe store)-Are
your shoes al made on anatomical
principles, boy? Boy-No, mum;
they're all made on lasts.-Epoch.
Politician, amt We, misterP" he in
quired, turning to the passenger i'm
mediately behind him yep; how did
you know?" Breath. Epoch.
Loan a dishonest man money and
you viii find him out sooner OF lat
He will be out when you call for Ii
return of the money.-Nea0 Orleans
Picayas'le.
"Silence is the severest criticism"
but men have been known to be will
ing that their wives should criticise
their faults that way.-SonlerUiIJe
Journal.
Light checks are in demand forsilk
petticOats," is the statement of fashion
authority; which will be Indignantly
denied by the husbands who sign the
checks.-PucE.
Nurse (to father of triplets)--Ah,
SORT, they be perfect little gems! Father
(dubiously)-Yes, but give me solitaires
in preference to clusters every time
Neo0 York San.
Old lady (to grocer)-My daughteri is
quite an invalid, sir, and wants some
nice fresh eggs. Groceries, ma'am.
Go boy: James. show this lady those
invalid eggs.-The Epoch.
Bostwick (who has been pleasantly
refused)-"Is this final, Miss Daisy?n
Miss Daisy (who is coy)-''Y-yes, ex-
cepting that always add postscript"
(And he got her.)-Tjd-Bits.
The woman in Mexican County, this
State, who has ten living husbands
should organize nine and challenge
some Chicago woman to a game of
base-ball.-O1 CITY Blizzard.
When a young lady gets married
her father or some relative generally
gives her away, but when the court
ship is in progress the younger brother
frequently manages to do it.-OH City
Blizzard.
Stern father-My son, if it breaks
my heart l am going to break your
stubborn will. Dutiful son-All ii CHIT,
father; I'm going to break yours
some day, if it breaks my pocket
BuTdette.
Hostess why aren't you dancing,
Mr.. HOLSTER? [ thought you enjoyed
the reel" Mr.. Hollister?"- do
exeeedingly-mad-am; but t-these
sleeve-b-uttons have tired me all out"
-IGd-BitS.
Smokeless gunpowder is the latest
addition to the science of war. Now
let somebody invent a smokeless
cigarette, apd peace will have her VIC
tories no less renowned than war
Boston Transcript.
Stranger-"ts the lady of the house
in?" No; the lady of the house is
down the street there talking to a
policeman; butl am the wife of the pro-
prietor, if I can do anything for
uP"--Li2sooI1s Journal.
He -sked for Congress water, and, as
the soy started to draw it, he added:
lis it fresh?" Certainly; keep
right up with sessions of Congress.
Just came in from Washington last
night. "-Detroit Free Press.
Little Mr.. O'Flynn-We have bin
married foive years an more, an it's
divil a cross word to me ould woman
have spoken yet! Big Mrs. O'Flynn
If yez did it would be Their last word
yez would liver speak!-Patc5.
Miss Cooington-And when we are
married, dear, hope you won't smoke
those horrid, odious cigars around the
house. Mr.. Billington-Why, no dar-
ling! think pipe is much more
home-like; don't you?-Puct.
Chicago lawyer Ito witness)-Are
you sure that you are telling thetruthP
Chicago witness (wiping his face)-
Great heavens, sir, can you ask such
question? Don't you see these great
beads of perspiration!-Nea0 York San.
''By the way, Mr.. Straddles, which
is the most general term, poet or poet
esp" Mr.. Straddles Poet" "Can
you give me a reason for it?'' 81 think
so sir. 1t is probably because "a poet
is born, not maid. '"-Neo0 HaUera NeoOS.
The man who can retain his table
manners at a railroad restaurant with
ten minutes for refreshments would
probably be polite enough to say to
the Sheriff tying the knot: pardon
me for putting you to this trouble. y
Life.
An Allentown tailoring firm employs
young woman to collect from the
swell customers who are inclined to
shirk paying honest debts. This seems
70 explode the old saying that woman's
work is never dun. "-NorTistoaOn
Herald.
A colorado man uses a $4,000 gold
brick as a paperweight. Our expert
ence is that gold bricks are too IN
wieldy to make satisfactory paper
weights. Their use has been discon-
tinued in this office.-Emporia Repaid
hcan.
Customer Tin restaurant)-A broiled
spring chicken, waiter, and a small
bottle, vintage IA. Waiter-Yes sir.
Oater)-Find everything right, sir?
Customer-No; you've made mistake.
You've brought me spring wine and
IA vintage chicken.-NeoO York Sun.
She-Won't it be delightful when we
are married, Jim? He-Won't it?
She-No conventionalities to bind US
and everything lovely. He (who has
played long game of tennis)-Yes,
and then / can take a rocking-chair
and you the camp-stool without excit-
ing remark.-Iid-Bits
80, my friends, there are some
spectacles that person never forgetsm
said lecturer, after a graphic de-
scription of terrible accident that he
had witnessed. "I'd like to know
L