Union County courier. [volume] (Elk Point, Union County, D.T. [S.D.]) 187?-1913, 1888-08-01

.1UNWhAADs
II might reduce funeral expenses Il
the toll Of the bells could be collected.
- Washington Critic.
THERE are two things that . woman
will jump ata conclusion and q mouse.
Burlington Free Press.
WouLp it be proper to speak OF
theatrical prompter as vehicle because
he 10 . stage-coach - Yo,skers States
man.
DurfrN-s Did you take the rhnbarb
ordered? Patient fes, SIT Doctor
How did you take III Patient-hn
pie Detroit Free Press.
WE don't see why strawberries are
not strong enough to keep their own
prices at . high figure. They have
plenty Of sand in them-Boston Post.
FLY the pleasure that bites to-mor-
row." observes philosopher who prob
ably reeled off this piece of wisdom
after days i'll luck at fishing. Phita-
detphia Ledger.
"WouLp you like june idyl?'
writes poet. We would, indeed, il
We could afford it, but we shall be
obliged to postpone our vacation until
August. Nec York Ne,ts.
THE proposed form of capital punish
ment for American murderers is death
by electricity In New York City it is
not necessary to commit murder to be
experimental on. Texas Siftings.
A LEADING man among the Chinese
Of New York, now defunct, used to say
that he could tell all his countrymen
here by their pig-tails. He can't now
dead men tell no tails. -Teras Strings.
Brown Have You got quarter about
you, Robinson? Robinson--C Certainly.
Brown Thanks! I'm just back from
the races, and I want to get drink
and have my Boots shined. --Ne,t York
Sun.
CLARA (whispering)-rm so sorry we
moved. You can't stay SO late as you
did when we lived in the other house.
George Why, my darling what differ
ence does it make? "These stairs
squeak. > Omaha World.
Il AM SO glad to meet you, Mr.. Gray
beard; my friend tells me you are the
oldest Mason in America" O, dear,
no, that is my son, George Washington
Graybeard, my youngest son. l am the
boy preacher. "-Burdette.
PHAsEsrus (at greenhouse) - What
are you going to do with the cutting,
Dingolby? Dingolby-Take it home to
Mrs. Dingolby, my boy Phasasius-
All, 1 see. You intend to give your
wife the slip, as it were.-Dctroh Free
Press.
Wicklow great, how overwhelm-
ing, how beyond all compare, how ex-
ceeding all the widest fancy paints,
the most extravagant imagination con-
ceives. Husband - What, my dear?
The falls or the hotel bill p Wdshing-
ton Critic.
WHEN they talked about the nine in
Athens it was the nine MUSES.; to-day,
all over the country, the nine refers to
baseball, excepting through the Middle
and Western States, where it is under
stood to mean quinine. San Francisco
Examiner.
Mrs. MARYwELL--Ah,J Jennie, l I'M
derstand you are going to marry a
secondhand husband. Miss Jennie
(who has chosen widower)-Yes, but
/ am ready maid, you know, and the
combination won't be so bad FASH
ington Critic.
COUNTRY MIN1srER--I am sorry, Mr..
Wrangle, but as was driving from the
parsonage before service / saw your
little boy on Gooseback bridge sharing
for suckers. Mr.. Wrangle--Is that so,
parson? Did We notice what luck he
was havin ?-The Epoch.
IT is not always easy to tell whether
or not woman really means what she
says; but this rule does not apply when
she is expatiating on the accomplish
ments of her baby. She may be mis-
guided, but she is always perfectly
sincere. S0D,eruille Journal.
OMAHA IGNoRAMUs--Well, we'll! So
the daughter of my old friend has been
on the stage for years under an assumed
name. Is she great actress? New
Yorker-A great actress Gee whit
taker! Didn't l just tell you she'd been
married nine times Omaha Horld.
WEI see by the paper that
Russian troupe that plays on twenty
four pianos at once is on it's way to
America. Dear me! wonder if they
were not driven out. Husband-Like
enough. This country is a refuge for
the oppressed of all nations. Il omaha
JVOrtd.
BOBBY (whose uncle has given him
dollar)-I wish you would give me
nickel, Uncle James, instead of dollar.
Uncle James (astonished) But, Bobby,
q dollar is better than nickel Bobby
That's the trouble; if it's dollar,
pail want it; if it's only nickel, can
have 1.-THE Epoch.
UNDERWATER TO physician Did a
stranger call ON you to-day for treat
ment, doctor? Physician = No. IN
dertaker--That's strange. The gentle
man was looking for physician and
recommended you very highly. Ply
sician-Yes, l guess that's the reason he
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