davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

"Say, grandma, do people always
paint the devil with red clothes on
because he is wicked and has evil
spirits near him all the time I"
eyes, dearie, red is the color of
wickedness and SIM"
"Well, then, is it because grandpa
has bad spirits near him that his nose
has got so red ?"
And grandma suddenly commenc-
ed to knit and said she didn't know.
Newark Sunday Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

A Congressman sent an office beg
gar to General Black of the pension
office with this unique Endorsement
"The bearer, who desires clerkship
in your department, assures me that
she is the mother of the wife of the
son of Mr.. Blank, now dead, who
served with me in Congress some 13
years ago. He was, as / remember
him, an honest man and a good Dem-
ocrat, and to such an extent as you
may believe these virtues likely to be
transmitted from him to the bearer by
intermarriagc of their children, l de-
sire to commend her to your consider
alton. Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

whats the matter ?" said an ush-
er in a Chicago theatre, addressing a
man who was cr6wding his way
through the audience.
"Matter the duce. Do you suppose
I'm going to allow my wife to sit be-
side that black negro?'
"You don't know what you are
talking about. That fellow pitches
for a baseball team"
"That's all right then. Sit down
there, Jane. e."-Arkansaw Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Among the dearest children in the
world are some Of the little ones up
in the northwestern part of Africa.
They are Morocco kids.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

The girl who owns fast horse and
a comfortable cutter, and who has a
proper appreciation of the advantages
of leap year, should be stranger to
sorrow.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

"Ma won't let us play poker on
Sunday, you know" "Why it was
encouraged in the Bible" "How SOP"
Noah took in a pair several times ;
Samson stood on a king, and Solomon
had full of queens" FIX.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

A Bengal tiger costs $4,000. A
"blind tiger" in Atlanta costs $500
and thirty days in the chain-gang.
Judge Anderson controls the market.
Atlanta Constitution.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Smythe, who is something of con-
nosieur in art, says his servant girl,
who lit the fire with kerosene, was
done I'M in oil.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Teacher Cat the mission Sunday
school)-Yes, children, Daniel was
cast into the den of lions, but not one
of them dared to touch him. How
strange Pupil (scornfully)-Aw,
dat's nuthin. l seen duck do dat in
de cirkis las year.-Tid- Bits.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

Noah was doubtless the only man
who has seen a full house on nothing
but pairs.-Lowell Citizen.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

A Linguist-"Pa, here's a piece in
the paper about parasites. What is
parasites pat" Parasites, my boy ?
Why, parasites are the people who
live in Paris. You ought to know
that, and you in the third reader !"-
Ex
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

1t is no wonder that certain young
ladies are pleased to hear any tale that
will make the hair curl.-Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08
Advertising Rates.

ss'iness Cards, one year, one dollar per line.
LEGAL notices, among local reading matter. ten
tents per linz for each insertion.
business notices, Ave cents per line each insertion.
Births Marriages and Deaths free.
ohtuarie', Resolutions, Cards Of Thanks, etc,
at advertising rates. 'N''
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

A week or two ago, in Philadelphia,
Mary A. Getz and William Sinner
were joined in wedlock. Happy COM
bination:
See, in this race for happiness
The husband is the winner;
For he, as usual, gets a saint,
While Mary Getz Sinner.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

$50 your wife is dead ?" said the
governor of Arkansas to a rural ac-
quaintance.
mo, she amt dead"
"Why, | heard some time ago that
she was dying"
"Yes, l thought that she was dyin',
guv'ner, but airter all she hustled
round an disappointed me. kin
derhook Rough Notes.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

"Gol durn my boots" said an old
hay-seed to his wife, chow them city
women do eat alum"
"Eat alum Why, Joshua, what
makes you think that they eat so
powerful much alum !"
"Well, durn it, Liza, thar amt a
paper what | pick up thet don't say
something about some woman suing
some man for divorce and alum
money."-Evansville Argus.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Rev. Mr.. Martin, a colored minister,
was barber originally. After he
was ordained his first duty was to
baptize child. Wetting his hand in
the water bowl he laid it on the child's
head, and then, his mind reverting to
his old calling, he began rubbing the
head vigorously, and then, turning to
the astonished mother, said, "Sham-
200 ?"-Chicago Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Gentlemen" said the judge of an
Arkansas court to the attorneys dur
ing a trial. 81 don't mind your shoot
ing at each other occasionally if the
circumstances seem to Justify it, but
l see that one of your bullets has hit
an overcoat belonging to the Court
and broken quart flask in the inside
pocket. l wish it distinctly under
stood that if there is any more such
careless shooting in this court I'll lift
the scalp of the galoot that does it.
Now 60 ahead with the case" Chi
cago News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

Mr.. Brown in the forenoonl-
Mary, 20 down to the station and see
what time the last train goes. Exit
Mary.]
Mr.. Brown [when Mary returns at
night-in temper]-What the duce
have you been doing with yourself all
day? You knew | was in a hurry
and
Mary-You told me to see what
time the last train went, sir. The
train has just gone.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-08

81 don't see why you should sneer
at my engagement ring" said the fair
girl, with flush Of indignation on
her cheek, rs she faced the belle of
the opposition town. ut is a great
deal prettier than the one you wore
three years ago, and haven't worn
SINCE"
"No, DEAR" replied her friend, with
faraway look in her voice, mot
prettier, but quite as pretty. 1t is
the same ring."-Puck.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Entertaining Company.

Persons entertaining company
should consider the pleasure, likes
and dislikes Of their gest and provide
such comforts and enjoyments as are
within their reach; but | do not think
that the host or hostess in providing
for the enjoyment of a guest should
overwork themselves either mentally
or physically, so they must appear
before the guest tired and careworn
and thus cause the guest to feel that
his or her visit has occasioned more
trouble than pleasure to the host or
hostess.
Very often persons entertaining
expend most of their time in provid-
ing for their company such things as
are not provided in their everyday
home life, and consequently they
have but little time to enjoy the
society of the guest, and this I think
is a mistake. Should the presence
of visitors cause any inconvenience in
our home matters we should prevent
them from being conscious of such if
we can, so they may not feel that
they are source of annoyance; but
when we can conveniently make any
arrangement for their special pleasure
we should do so in such a manner
that the visitors may know we are
anxious to add to their pleasure and
enjoyment. 1t should be our aim to
have the guest feel at home" to q
certain extent, while visiting with us,
but regarding this point much de-
ponds upon the circumstances and
surroundings of'the person entertain.
ng company, and each must use his
or her own judgment in the effort tC
make the stay of the visitor as pleasant
as possible, avoiding all unnecessary
confusion of such effort.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Rule By Kindness and Humanity.

Wallace's Monthly.
There is no vice more detestable in
man than cruelty in any form to any
being. The crime is sometimes pun
ished but seldom does it meet ade-
quate retribution. The man who
mercilessly uses his power to punish
any creature under his control is
disgrace to his kind, yet how many
of these whom leach kindred brute
might bid blush for shame" there are
in the world. There is no animal
having equal claims upon our con-
sideration and kindness with the
horse, yet none suffer as greatly as
the horse from human prosecutions
and wrongs of every degree. To the
honor of our kind be it said that per-
haps in the majority of cases where
our horses are ill-used it is more
through thoughtlessness than through
willful cruelty. But this does not
make it any the less an outrage
against our first and best servant and
friend, and it is as much the duty of
the true horsemen to point out where
ignorance is responsible for ill-usage
as to prevent Intentional cruelty.
One of the most lamentable things
in life is to see a young colt being
"broken" by an ignorant and incom-
petent "breaker." His ignorance is
excusable if he is kind, but your aver
age breaker does not believe in the
power of "moral suasion" in the
equine kingdom. His motto is, "I'll
break his spirit or I'll break his
heart" and he generally succeeds.
The colt "breaker" is a colt killer,
and he must give way to the colt
educator. A successful educator needs
unlimited patience, a sweet temper,
and good stock of ingenuity or tact.
The happy mixture Of patience and
firmness that will not be mastered by
the horse, but will master him with
out harshness, is the kind of nature
that copes successfully with a wild
and foolish colt, whose wildness and
foolishness are merely eXuberance of
spirit UNPUBLISHED" by education.
A horse educator must be a thinker.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Perseverance an Important Factor.

In any line of business, the man
who uses reasonable economy and
has the ability to give fair manage
ment and the perseverance to hold
on will, in q great majority of cases,
make success; while, on the 9TH
er hand, the one who rushes into
whatever he has undertaken with q
spasmodic endeavOr to win all once,
as a general rule wastes his energies
and often fails for sheer want of per-
severance. The editor of the Indus
trial Gazette has observed that the
man who starts in to doa days work,
and attempts 70 do as much in one
houras ought to be done in two, will
usually find it necessary in short
time to take q rest, and while he is
resting will lose valuable time which
he evidently feels that he ought to
make up, Judging from the spasmod-
ic efforts he will make when he starts
in again. But, at night, the man
who works steady, but persevering-
ly, viii be found to have accomplish
ed the most, while usually he will
also be found III much better con-
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
The Reason Why

Ayers Pills are so popular is, that
while always reliable as q cathartic
medicine, they never leave any i'll
effects. This is because they are purely
vegetable, and entirely free from Gallo
mel or any other dangerous drug. In
all cases, therefore, whether the patient
be old or young, they may be conf
IDENTIFY administered.
In the Southern and Western States,
where arrangements of the liver are so
general, Ayers Pills have proved an in-
estimable blessing. d. w. Baine, New
Berne, N. c., writes:
II suffered long time with stomach
and liver troubles. tried various rem
edies, but received no benefit until ]
commenced taking Ayers Pills. These
pills benefited me at once. took them
regularly for a few months, and my
health was completely restored"
Throughout New England, next to
lung diseases, Stomach and Bowel
Complaints are the most prevalent.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
There is an American college in
Rome, but it has no base ball club,
and is therefore never heard from.
Contagious Blood Poisoning.

Col. B. II. Kieser, editor and pro-
prietor of the Opelika, Ala, Times,
writes: "While young man con-
tracted a disease which stuck to me
for years. For five years past walk
ed with difficulty. Finally / tried
S. S. S. After using seven bottles, |
could walk seven miles day, and /
not had a return ofthe old pains since.
l am sixty-eight years old, and,
thanks to S. S. S., l feel like a young
man."
Mr.. G. w. Langhill, of Savannah,
Ga, who had a well developed case
of contagious blood poisoning, which
a physician tried in vain to cure, be-
gan taking S. S. S. He writes:
"After using the medicine a short
time, was entirely cured, and am,
today, a perfectly well man."
Mr.. F. Woehl, No. 2l1 North Av-
enue, Chicago, writes: 81 deem it
my duty to thank you for the cure l
received from your excellent medi-
cine. / contracted severe case of
blood poisoning about two years ago.
Hearing of your medicine l went to
a drug store, the proprietor of which
persuaded me to buy a preparation
of his own, which he said was sure
cure. l used six bottles of his stuff,
and grew worse all the time. At
last got Disguised, and despaired
of a cure. met a friend who told
me that your medicine had cured
him. Invent to the same druggist
again, and demanded your medicine.
He reluctantly sold me twelve bot
ties, and am now perfectly cured.
/ write this for the benefit of suffer
ers, to prevent their being deceived
by false representations. Thanking
you again for the benefit received
from your medicine, I remain re-
specially yours"
Mr.. Geo. o. Wellman, Jr. ofSalem,
Mass, writes: 81 was suffering with
blood poison, and was treated sever
al months with mercury and potash,
only to make me worse. The potash
took away my appetite and gave me
dyspepsia and both gave me rheu-
matiSm. / then took sarsaparillas,
etc. All these sarsaparila mixtures
have potash in them. This made
me still worse, as it drove the poison
further into my system. A friend in
sisted | should take Swifts Specific,
and it cured me of the blood poison,
drove the mercury and potash out of
my system, and today am as well as
| / ever was"
/ Treatieson Blood and Skin Diseases
mailed free.
TUE SWIFT Specific Co., Drawer
Atlanta, Ga.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
lition to commence again the next

dition to commence again the next
day.
So it is in business. One will seem
to hustle around and make consid-
cradle to do over what he is doing,
and after wasting his energies in ac-
complishing what, by taking little
more time, could be done with very
little effort, and then, because, as he
thinks, he fails to meet the success
he imagines he should, becomes dis
couraged and is ready to make a
change to something else. This, in
majority of cases, proves a loss.
and, in consequence, he does not sue
coed as the energy he displays would
seem to warrant. Another man,
while he may not make a great dis
play of his energies at the start, he
will go to work more systematic, and
will have better opportunities to
economize, and in many cases to man.
age better than when he attempts to
rush matters. 1.-The will but observe,
he will be ready to take advantage of
any favorable circumstances that
may arise. 1t always seems that the
man who is constantly shifting about
is always making change at the
wrong time, when a little persever-
ance would have brought him
through all right. In all lines Of
business there are fluctuations, ups
and downs, and in order to succeed
we must persevere. 1t is " hen the
odds seem against us that it Seems
the most important to persevere.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Waiting for a Thunder Storm.

A colored man, fishing in the Emo
river, near this place, caught a large
turtle and while trying to take the
hook from its mouth his right fore
finger was caught by the turtle. The
negro tried every means of beating
and persuasion, but the turtle was
obdurate. No release could be had
AT length the negro cut the head off,
which only increased the turtles
fury and grip. He was told by a
companion that the turtle would not
let lose until it Numbered, so he sat
quietly down on stump on the bank
Ofthe river, waiting for it to thunder.
The last we heard of him he was
nursing the turtles head, waiting for
thu nder.-Hillsboro IN. c. Recorder.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
PENSIONS,

WILLIAM B. GREENE. late Assistant Chief
of the Western Division, U. s. Pension OF.
fee, is now engaged in the prosecution of
pension and all other soldier claims.
His thorough experience in the Pension
Office and in the prosecution of these
claims renders his services especially valus-
BILE.
Special attention given to the working up
of rejected or abandoned claims on
which other attorneys have failed,
. Co.operates with respectable attorneys
throughout the country in cases which need
attention at Washington.
Many pensioners who are entitled to in.
crease do not obtain it because they fail to
apply or because their cases are improperly
rejected. Particular attention paid to such
cases.
No fee unless successful. Advice free.
Refers by permission to
Hon. r. w. Townsend, Of Illinois.
Hon. c. c. Mstson, OF Indiana.
Hon. E. N. Morrill,, Of Kansas.
Hon. Thos. Ryan, OF Kansas.
Hon. d. B. Henderson, of Iowa.
Hon. James Laird, of Nebraska.
Hon. l. s. Struble, of Iowa.
Address:
WILLIAM B. GREENE,
Washington, d. G.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

ga moderate drinker," says one,
SIS much more dangerous member
o. a community than an out-and-out
drunkard. The one says, by his ex-
ample, "There's no harm )" the 9TH
er, "See what you'll come to-" while
the great difference in the two is a
IA mere question of time"
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
THE
Weekly American.
+Cash Premiums to Agents.

In order to stimulate effort on the part of
agents, at this leisure season of the year, 10
extend the circulation of the WEEKLY
AMERICAN, the management has deter.
mined to offer one hundred and twenty cash
premiums to persons who will engage in the
work. 1t is hoped and beleyed that the
liberal amounts offered will cause an indus.
trious rivalry throughout contiguous sec.
tons, and many thousands be induced to
take the paper who have not hitherto re.
ceived it, Not merely our regular agents
are invited to engage in this competition,
but all persons whatsoever who see proper
to contend for the premiums offered A
book will be opened in which every agent
will be credited with each name sent, be.
ginning July Is, 1887, until Nov /, 1887, at
whice time the awards will be made accord.
ing to results then ascertained, as follows
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Don't Be Discouraged.

In conducting reforms, discourage
ments are met at every turn this
only goes to show that the devil is
still alive and at work. 1t was st.
Paul who wrote: "We are troubled
on every side, yet not distressed; we
are complexed, but not in despair
prosecuted, but not forsaken cast
down, but not destroyed" And it
was that brave, unselfish man, Sir
Philip Sidney, who, when hardpress-
ed, shouted out Remember that
in all things lamenting becomes fools,
and action wise folk" Head winds
are stimulating; they bring out the
ingenuity and the pluck of the nav
igator.
Those politicians who hatch out
their unpatriotic schemes in the tav-
ems and saloons have made an ALI
ance offensive and defensive with
the rumsellers, big and little. Socie-
ty is being classified. 1t is also be-
ing awakened. People everywhere
are saying: 1--WE have had enough
of the curse" There is no difficulty
in seeing which side is growing.
Science, religion and common sense
all unite in commencing our cause.
Pouring alcohol into these God-con-
trived bodies of ours to derange
their operation and weaken them is
the maddest of mad acts.
Shall the rising generation be saw
ed from thisgreat danger? The rum
sellers say: No we want their mon
ey.
Yevampires who despoil our homes
and suck the blood of our boys, well
see about it.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

"Any saint or sinner who dreams
that the principle of prohibition will
ever prevail to any considerable ex-
tent without the most earnest and
persistent effort, is laboring under
delusion. Whenever there is an
opportunity to write a line, or speak
word, the opportunity must be inn
proved most faithfully. In the
church and Sabbath-school, at home
and else where, in season and out OF
season, there must be constant, ener-
getic work."
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

1t would seem that common sense
would teach one that it is impossible
to regulate an evil by law. In the
first place, the law has no business
with Regulating" evils. Its only
duty is to prevent them. In the
second place, it not the nature of evil
to submit to regulation. 1t is con-
tinually trying to break the bonds
imposed upon it, it cares nothing for
rules or laws, and the very fact that
the law confesses its inability to pre-
vent it by trying to regulate it, is Il
confession of weakness which it is
very quick to take advantage of.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07
Dyspepsia

and Constipation are almost universal.
Mr.. GALLAGHER, a practical chemist, Of
ROxbury, Mass, who was long troubled
with Dyspepsia, writes:
"a friend induced me to try Ayers
Pills, and, after taking one box without
much benefit, was disposed to quit
them; but he urged perseverance, and,
before had finished the second box,
began to experience relief. continued
taking them, at intervals, until / had
used eleven boxes. Suffice it to say,
that am now we'll man, and grateful
TO your chemistry, which outstrips
mine"
The head and stomach are always in
sympathy ; hence the cause of most of
those distressing headaches, to which
so many especially women, are subject.
Mrs. Harriet A. Marble, of Poughkeep-
sic, n, Y, writes that for years she was
martyr to headache, and never found
anything to give her more than tenn
porary relief, until she began takirg
Ayers Pills, since which she has been
IN the enjoyment of perfect health.
Ayers Pills,
PREPARED BY
Or. ]. c. Aver & Co., Lowell, Mass.
Sold by all Druggists.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

"The strength of the passions will
never be accepted as an excuse for
complying with them; they were
designed for subsection and if man
suffers them to get the upper hand,
he then betrays the liberty of his
SOUL"
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

Never shall my hand or voice be
lifted against so-called temperance
fanatics. If ever cause justified
fanaticism, the temperance cause
does. To me there is nothing more
disgusting, or more disheartening to
the cause of humanity, than the self
i'h, ease loving, luxurious man in
digging in dissipation and denounc-
ing temperance fanaticism.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1888-01-07

Is there a woman living who
couldn't furnish her neighbours house
better and more tasteful, if she only
had a chance?