The Ottawa free trader., 1888-08-18
Green Things.


Q. "Isnt this chestnut"
A. "Of course it is."
@. "Why wasn't she run down BY tha,
passing train?'
A. "Hov should know"
Got the Grand Bounce
They offered him Eve dollars per week,
For playing in the band.
he played part Of one tune through
And then he got the grand
The girl with dimpls, unlike the youth
with pimple, is proud. She glidss along
with consciousness Of possessing that
which few girls can boast Of either by natur'
81 gitt or the gift Of the surgeon. But how
many Of our bellies are there, who, perhaps
mourn that they have no dimple, when, il
they were acquainted with its inmost nature,
would rather possess 9 pug nose or num-
Der seven foot. A dimple, especially if the
surgeons knife is little dull, is not likely
to prove success over which we'll inform.
ed young lady would spend her surplus
time in growing. Most Of your surgical
dimples require the spending Of surplus
time in puttying and squeezing after they
have been allowed TO heal, for to be joy
and light in the home dimple must be
slight and shapely, and not be allowed to
create the impression that it's young owner
carries powder reservoir in the side of her
face. This is the great failing of $3.50
dimples, and if you can make up your mind
to have $25 dimple or none at all, you will
be assured of peace Of mind which knows
no breaking
There sre few kinds of gloom that equal
the perpetual gloom, and there is no variety
which is used more and more generally and
generously abused. When man goes off to
the spirit land "his friends are shrouded in
gloom When he becomes demented, "his
intellect is shrouded in perpetual gloom"
II he deserts his wife, che leaves her shroud.
ed in gloom" II he steals . horse, "his
movements are shrouded in gloom No
matter what he does, how he does il, or
always shrouded in gloom" Some day.
the gloom shrouder" will die. Some day
he will awake to find himself at the golden
gate, and when he knocks for admission, St.
Peter will sadly say, "Go away! don't
know you, you are shrouded in gloom "
The po stage stamp is the legitimate sue
cessor Of the sealing wax and the candle.
The sealing wax has been relega,ed to ex.
press Offices and canning factories. and no
longer holds place IN the heart of great
ful public. Once the sealing WAX manufac'
turer was the admired of all eyes, the petted
darling of dynssties, but his power has faded
away, and like the owner Of the stage line
and the packet boat, ne is poor and neglected,
while the United States grows fat and gouty
over its profits on the postage stamp. The
postage stamp is small and insignificant, and
yet men have been known to spend thous'
ands Of dollars in order to sell them, and,
when the goal Of their ambition has been
reached have found that they are forced to
sell them at cost because the United States
would make no reduction in price. A mum.
Der have been bold enough to retain what
they considered fair profit on their sales,
but they have been sent TO states prison
and their license has been revoked The
United States makes these stamps in large
quantities. and the sole reason why it is
allowed to keep up it's price in dull seasons,
as we'll as in busy ones, is because it has 9
corner on the industry. The user Of the
stamps is usually Of the literary style of
man. If he ie poor and struggling, he licks
them himself but otherwise his private Sec
retary dees the licking. Ayoung man with
thick lips and shadowy, pale appearing
tongue, stood on the corner Of large Office
building yesterday and appeared pensive
and dissatisfied. Some one asked him why
such pensivensss WAS thusly depicted. He
said that he had once been stamp ticker to
q poet who was liberal man, and paid him
Q lucrative salary, but now the poet was
dead, and his son who was Q mean cuss and
wore celluloid collars TO save wash bills.
WAS doing the licking himself. He said that
his business, before he had become stamp.
licker. was teaching three week old tsbes OF
Murray Hill nobility how to grasp . milk
bottle correctly and get up 9 suction. Now
his business was ruined, because his tongue
was worn to . razor edge on refractory
stamps, and its continued sticking into his
lips had made them sore and infamed. He
had then tried to cure them with alum and
oxalic acid, which had made them larger and
unsightly. lie said the only occupation now
open to him was that Of negro minstrelsy
or side show, and he thought he would
probably enter the latter, as he would have
to have his tongue spliced on to large piece
Of India rubber in the minstrel business, and
his means were limited. The only consola.
ton he now had was that the poets son
would soon be in condition akin to his, and
as he was q self made young man, and had
not been very accurate in his plans, he would
scarcely be able to write poetry after three
months application to stamp licking.