The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1888-08-28
Some Devices of Freaks.
QUEER INVENTIONS IN THE PATENT OF
FICE WHICH ARE USELESS.

w. A. Croffut gives the following
interesting account of some odd pat
ents in the N. Y. World:
Congress is about as full of cranks
as the inventors guild is. If anything
could get hearing in the House, at
the present time, an appropriation to
expei eiiment in perpetual motion would
have a good chance. 1t is not so many
years since Congress appropriated $780,
900 to enable Robert Brisbane to
demonstrate his "grand project of
transporting goods by rolling iron
spheres through pneumatic tube. He
dug deep ditch from the Capitol to
the Public Printing Office, half mile,
began to build brick cylinder in it
and then applied to Congress for more
money. This request was declined, aud
Henry Wilson, President of the Sen
ate, laughingly said, "All l want to
know is whether there is money
enough left to fill up the hole This
proved to be the case, the contractor
filled the hole, and Brisbane filled the
circumamblent air with curses and left
The House Committee on ventilation
last month voted to encourage one Du
Bois, to build vast fyng-machine,
600 feet long and 100 feet wide-that
Is, it voted that if he should build such
vehicle and prove its utility to the
Secretary of the Navy he should then
be reimbursed the total amount of its
cost up to $4,000. IL was not . very
reckless offer. Du Bois applied for a
patent, and Commissioner Hall straight
way refused it on the ground that there
is nothing new about the contrivance,
except its great size, and this would
only increase the magnitude of ita
failure. / saw the crank to day wan
dering around the lobbies of the House
to "get another hearing" S. S. Cox
says the Du Bois balloon ought to go
up in the BoiS de Bo,tiogne.
Every week, from some direction,
comes to the pa ent Office an applica-
ton for patent for perpetual motion,
for there is abroad through the land
an unfounded rumor that the Govern
ment has offered a million dollars for
the discovery of such a device. No
contradiction corrects the impression,
any more than it does the equally pre-
posterous delusion that somebody has
offered to pay 500 for million pos
tage stamps. When each new claim
for perpetual motion arrives Commits
sioner Hall merely writes back: "Please
file working model and your applica.
ton will be considered" This always
puts a stop to it, for the model never
works.
The Commissioner showed me yes
terday two old volumes, "Perpetuum
Mobile" chronicle of the various de-
vices for perpetual motion. The first
were made two thousand years ago,
and since that time the delusion has
stumbled through 30 many complicated
failures that all governments are justi-
fed in doing what the French Aca-
deny did as early as 1775-refuse to
consider any invention which claims to
give power without an equivalent ex-
penditure of energy. This is the place
to say that Mr.. Hall gives greater sat.
isfaction than any other Commissioner
the Patent Office has had for many
years. He is not a trained expert in
patents, as he ought to be, but he has
good practical sense, quick perception,
patience and impartiality, and regard
for justice that is generally acknowl-
edged.
OTHER CRAZY SCHEMES.
Application was made some time
ago from Kentucky for a patent for
"tying weight of specific gravity to
cows tail to keep her from switching
it when you are milking"
The ingenious rustic failed to de-
cline specific gravity, and he was very
much surprised to get an answer from
the examiner "Patent refused. Idea
old. Seems to be virtually the same
as that invented by the Squire of
Spain's most famous knight. When
the mule braved and disturbed his
sleep Sancho Panza noticed that it al
ways elevated its tail simultaneously,
SO he tied a weight of specific gravity
to the mules tail so that the sleep OF
Don Quixote was disturbed no more. "
An odd patent has been granted to
shut the moth miller out of beehives.
A rural observer noticed that, by some
curious provision of nature, the moth
miller got into beehives at the very
time chickens went TO roost. He acted
accordingly, and his device makes the
weight of the chickens when they fly
to the roost, close gate at the mouth
of the beehives, which effectually ex-
cludes the moth. The inventor thought
fully says, in his application; "But |
expect that, after a time the miller
may get sense enough to keep watch
of the chickens and come in few min,
utes earlier
An applicant for gas patent pro-
poses to make gas by cheating air red
hot"
A funny patent, for which there is
not an extensive sale, is spiral spring
for mules feet, to elevate the animals
eight inches from the ground. This is
iOi ubC ohiJ III war duu SuapicS q
howitzer to be fired from mules back
without breaking his legs by the re,
coil. 1t is said to fill a mule with as
tonishment and to make him seasick.
FARMERS GET IN THEIR WORK.
Another patent, actually granted,
somewhat analogous to this, is for stills
for horse. They are adjustable, and
can be fastened on two legs of horse
on the same side, $50 as to plough with
the animal on a side hill y The opin-
ion of the horse concerning the value
of this invention is not on 6Ie. In one
of the cases of tho Patent Office is a
"tape worm trap for which patent
was granted. 1t provides for batting
hook in a peculiarly seductive man
ner and artfully lowering it down the
throat of the afflicted person. The de-
partment did not insist on seeing it in
action.
The agricultural contrivances are
very numerous, and some of them are
so ingenious as TO suggest that the in