Connecticut western news., 1888-03-21
HUMOROUS.

The age in which to marry-Tho par- son-age. Z Carpenters should always be given to speaking the plane truth
 When winter dies, spring refuses to 'Kindly omit flowers" -1 Brand-new ! Fashion Item. Brown lynx is the favorite fur for sausagcs this year.
 "A Tight Squeeze" one of the latest novels issued, has already achieved a< remarkable leap year popularity. k The Mexican raids across the border are to bo avenged. The American tramps are invading that country.
 There is man iu Kansas City who, it is said, can eat ninety eggs at meal. This must be the fellow tho hens are / '1aying for."
 A New York man advertises to re- store oil paintings; but tho man who is | to restore umbrellas has not yet gonc into business.
 A maid on economy bent l Wished to give swell luncheon in Lent Dried apples with water
 She served; but it taught Der
 A bowling swell brings discontent
 In her remarks to parliament the queen started off: My lords and gen. tlemon." Even the queen is beginning to see that there is distinction be- tween her lords and gentlemen.
 Dr. Pellet: 'So Scalpel sct your broken arm9" Patient: "'Yes sir" Pellet: "What were his charges7" .Twcnty dollas." Pellet: Robbery, sir; downright robbery! I'd have ann putated it for $25."
 Husband (groaning): 'The rheuma- tism in my leg is coming on again" Wife (with sympathy) "Oh, am so sorry, John. wanted to do some shop ping, to-day, and that is sure sign of rain."
 When a woman hears the crash of china in the kitchen, her look of de- spair and her shiver of anxiety are only equalled by those of big-eyed, short haired dog on the middle of wind swept skating pond.
 There arc times when man should not give up his seat in street-car to even lame woman. That time is when twelve men are packed like sardines on one side of the car and four women have spread themselves to take up every inch of room on the other.
 When the victim had unwrapped the bundle of supposed counterfeit money, for which he had paid $500 in good bills, and found simply the end of pine plank, and not even planed at that, he quietly remarked "All board," | and started back to Arkansas.
 'I have nothing to say to you, sir" said the man in the prisoners cell to the clergyman who had called to offer con- solation. q am entirely in the hands of my attorney" 'May heaven help you, my friend" said the minister with deep feeling, as he turned to go.
 While surgeon was administering the vapor of ether to Q patient, upon whose foot he was about to operate, the man, who had grown rather restive under the preliminary process of inhala- tion, begged the operator to cut away, as he was tired Sucking nothing out of bottle, and getting drunk upon it."
 The waiter expostulates with the guest for summonlng him by snapping of the fingers with the remark: 'Are you calling for the dog, sira" Good nessw exclaimed the guest, "are you . mind-reader2" "Why do you ask9" in- ouired tho waiter. "Why," returned the guest, q was about to ask for sau- sage"
 man who is making will,
 You surely can say that he's willing; But if he has to pay big liquor bill,
 He certainly must have been swilling. ! Though coiner don't work in a mill
 You surely can say that he's milling; Though clerk is no farmer, if he works at .
 till,
 You surely can say that he's tilling, And man who makes liquor, works at his
 still,
 wh,e st nasht Ais cron hsh,~ n 1,,- '