Connecticut western news., 1888-10-10
HUMOROUS

Comes up to the scratch-Tho friction match.
 The pivotal 'if" of the campaign The tariff.
 The church fairs-The female portion of the congregation.
 There's always hitch somewhere in a marriage ceremony.
 When stock fails to pay dividend. the holder loses his interest. A poet talks of 1.-Two Ways of Love-" One of them doubtless is tho biilal- path.
 A petrifed man has boon found in Wisconsin. It is probably tho body of the man who fell "stone deal." A learned man of Gonoa clnims to havo discovered that Columbus wa, morose and solemn, while Ve,pucci was Anericu'.
 Some say that man who would ''bcat an egg" would be so crual as to "whip cream" ''th1esh wheat" or even "lick postage stamp"
 He-Jake, quit yer talking at tho ta ble. Now lemme ketch ye openin' yer mouth agiu while ye're eatiu' an I'll send ye 'way from the table hungry.
 A horse fancicr's daughter, Betsy by name, having reached marriageablo age, her father wrote familiarly to an old friend: 'Bots offered, but no talk CTS as yet"
 Are yeu acquaintei with Jimson over there2' ssNo." ''sHes laid out moro men than you could count in an hour." IA desperaio, chi" ''No; an undertaken"
 Mrs. H. .Norah, did Mrs. Richly leave any message when you told her l was not at home2' Norah = s.No, ma'am, she didn't, but she looked very much pleased"
 Teacher rhetcric clasO-"Miss Pur. plobloom, you may express the thought Necessity is the mother of invention in different words" Miss Purplo bio - Invention is the daughter of neces- sity"
 A lady leaving street car leaves be- hind her parcel bearing suspicious resemblance to hustle. Baseball Um- pire (handing it to her and speaking absent- mindedly)-Madam, tako your base"
 An amateur cornet player has been shot in Cincinnati. We are not in favor of shooting amateur cornet play. CTS. Imprisonment for life is punish ment severe enough.
 Citizou-What are you doing with that mani Policoman-Tve just ar rested him. Citizcn-But he's al deaf as post. Policeman-Ho'll get his hearing before the magistrate.
 "The world is mineW exclaimed the tragedian in Monto Cristo. and the com. edy man waiting for eight weeks back salary, murmurcd faintly: "Cut me of piece of New York, please"
 Old lady No Respondent small boy): Why are you not playing ball with tn, other little boys, sonny3 Small boy (with tears in his eyeS: D, empir, fiued fl cen's yistiddy fer back talk, an dis morniH got my release from de club.
 MT. Fremont-Charming reception, Mrs. Lofty. Mrs. Lofty-Don't think much of it. Lots of ordinary people here. See that commo on looking woman over there, and what horrid dress sho has on. (Suddenly discovers sho is fac ing mirror.)
 Caller-Can seo MT. Smith2 M ic No, sir. Caller-Can I scc Mrs smith2 Maid-No, sir. MT. and Mrs Smith are out. Caller (kindly) Oh, are they2 Well, tell them to kiss and be friends again. Quarrelling is bac thing in the family.
 Commercial traveller Gin fascinating tone of voice to pretty waitress)-Stoak an baked potatoes, Mary. Pretty waitress (haughtily)-My name ainl Mary. Gully. Commercial traveller Well, don't get mad about it, dear. M, name ain't Gully.
 Grocer-This brand of oatmeal, mad am, is called the t'7 30" because it takes only seven minutes and thirty seconds to cook it. L,dy-Tnats itf- have been using it and l thought 1t wal called the ''7 80' because 1t takes ssv- ] sn heurs aad . hslt to digsst k