The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1888-04-07
Tait and 3umor.
THE OLD MAN PLAYED HORSE.

THE OLD MAN PLAYED HORSE.
"The funniest story-teller ever knew"
said ex-City Judge Hyatt, at the Criterion
Club recently, "was SUIT Lovingood, of
Tennessee. He had big reputation be-
fore the war, but | can't find anybody now
adays who scenes to remember him. He
died about the time the war broke out.
Thirty years ago the papers were filled
with funny things Sut Lovingood had said
and DONE l remember one of the stories
be used to tell 1t was the story of Ten
nessee rustic, told as if he was telling it
himself, in the drawling vernacular Of his
kind. SUIT described him as long-legged,
short-bodied, white-haired, hog-eyed, funny
sort of a genius, who had ridden up to one
of the backwoods groceries Of the region,
Oh a crowbait of horse, where crowd OF
wild mountaineers were assembled, full Of
fight and bad whiskey. They guyed the
rustic and his horse numerically, and
finally he got mad and yelled back at them:
az say, you ash-eaters Jist keep your
shirts on, will yer? You uns never seed a
raal horse till I rid up. Tarpole h'yar is
mex to the best boss ut ever shelled nub-
bins, an the fus bes' ones name war
Tickytail He's dead uz still worm, pore
OF Tickytail is
"Then the mountaineers wanted to know
what killed Tickytail, and the rustic went
on-but SUIT Lovingood ought to be here
to tell it.
"'Wot killed i'm 2 drawled the hog-eyed
genius. why, nawthin', We tarnation fools
He jis' died, that's all. Standin' up at
that Warnt that pluck? He didn't
freeze to death adzac'ly, but starved fust
and then fruz@afterwuds.> He fruz so stiff
ut wheRme an dad pushed him over he
lis stuck out at the four corners like a
tipped over carpenters bench, an we he'd
to wait seventeen days fer i'm to thawr out
afore we cud skin i'm. Wall, thar we war,
me an dad; Sal an Jake; Phineas an
Simon; Jonas an Charlotte; Ca'lina an
Cashus Henry Clay; Noar Dan an Cathern
Secont; Cleopatry Antony an Jane Lind;
the baby an the prospect, an mann herself
all left 'ithout no boss to crop with.
Now that war nice mess for spectacle
family to be sloshed about in. warn't it
| 'clar eff I didn't feel like stealth horse
sometimes! Wall, l waited an rested, an
] waited an rested on, till wall nigh to
strawb'ry time, hopin' ut some stray boss
mowt come along; but dog my cats eff any
sech luck ever comes whar dad is, he's so
drottedmean an lazya savage an ugly an
tryin' like.
"'Wall, one night he laid awake all
night, a-snortin' an a-rollin' an a-whisp rim
at man. Mex morning lie SUI ter me:
"'Ill tell yer wot we'll do he SUI. I'll
be boss m'self, an pull the plow,' he SUI
while you drive me, and we'll break up
corn CROWN, he SUI. Then the oil quilt
-meanin' mam-'an' the brats kin plant it
pr leave it alone jest as they please, he SUI.
$50 out me an dad goes to the pawpaw,
an peels right smart chance o bark, an
mann an me made gears for dad an they
become i'm like new bed-tick shirt. Then
dad he would hev bride, an | bent an
twisted am umbril wire sorter inter bride
bit. Dad wanted curb, he said, uz he
hadn't worked for some time an mowt
sorter feel his oats and 90 to cavortin'.
Wall, when we got the bride all fixed on
dad he champed his bit jes'- like a raal
horse. Dad always war Il complicated oil
fool, anyhow. put the gears on i'm an
out me an dad goes to the field, me
leadin' dad by the bride and totin' the
gopher pillow on my back.
"'When we come to the fence | let down
gap That made dad mad. He wanted
ter Jump the fence on all fours, boss way.
/ quoted i'm down an hitched him on ter
the gopher, an away We went, dad leanin
for'ard ter his pullin right peart like.
And we made sharp plowin', dad goin'
right over the bushes and sprouts same uz
a real horse. The only Difference war ut
he went on two legs. Bawmbye we come
ter sassyfrax patch, an dad, ter be boss
all over, bulgcd squar' inter it, an tore
down hornets nest nigh uz big uz hoss's
head, an all the tribe kivered i'm right
straight. He rared an kicked wunst ur
twicet, an fetched squeal wuss nor any
boss in the deestric', an sot inter runnin
away jist az nat'ral uz ever yer seed.
al let go the pillow an hollered, 'Woa,
dad woal But yer mowt uz wall er said
woa ter tearin' lokermotiff Jeewillikins
how he did run! When e come ter
bush ed cl'ar it, gopher an all. ! reckon
G. mowter thort thar war another settle
ment O. hornets in it, an ut it war safer ter
90 over it thun through it, an quicker
done. Every now an then he'd pawr one
side O his head with fust one fore leg and
then with t'other. Then he'd gin hisself
an open-handed slap ut sounded like the
crackin' of wagon whip, an he kept
runnin' all the time, and er carryin' o that
gopher iist erbout as fast an w high from
the earth uz ever gopher war carried, |
swar When he cum ter the fence he
busted right through it, tearing nigh onto
seven panels, an scatterin' and breakin
the rails right smart clip. Right thar
he left the gopher, gears, swingle-tree an
clevis, all mixed up an not with a darn.
Most O. dads shirt stuck to the broken
end of a splintered rail, an nigh onto
pint O hornets stay with the shirt, stingin
il all over. The balance on EN-, about
gallon an a-haf, KEEP on with dad. He
seemed ter run jist as fast uz hornet could
fly, fur it war the highest race | ever did
see. Down through the grass they all
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