The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1888-03-29
WIT AND HUMOR.
THE REASON.

| by DdsDIQilesS ulstrSssel-
In fact I'm noted for my cheek,
And know the bold are best.
My reason, then. IL must give,
Is simple saort and clear
know that L can't wed and live
On haf-enough year.
| Wood b. Benedict in The Century.
Volapuk, Mr.. Higgins, is "a universal
language that nobody speaks.-Lye.
No man ever forgave woman for
knowing more than he. and the more
the knowledge the greater the indig-
| nation.-Puck.
De man wat kin make to pah grow
wha' seed TO only one pah wuz planted
scion has toe argue dat is collah.
button am solid gop.-Judge.
Stranger Ito boy in lawyers ofice)
I'm looking for legal blank, sonny.
Lawyers boy-Sorry, sir, but he's just
stepped out.-Ne1O York san.
Newly-married couples should be
careful not to extract so much sweet
ness from the honeymoon as to leave
only the whacks.-BoSton Transcript.
The man who is not straightforward
and honest-who tries to be all things
to all men-generally ends by being
nothing to anybody.-New Orleans
Picayune.
a paper in New York has changed
from a political journal to religious
weekly. 1t will now leave the credits
off of its clipped photographic humor.-
NorriStOt0n Herald.
Visiting dominic And how does
the minister continue to please you,
Mr.. Ransom? Parishioner-O, very
well, indeed. He's just opened fresh
barrel of sermons.-Judge.
Miss Sangbleu Indignantly -
Waiter, you've got your thumb in my
soup! Green waiter (assuringly)-No
matter, miss; it isn't hot enough to
burn me.-HarUard Lanpoon.
At a reception: Host-My dear,
aren't you afraid Mr. Selfconceit will
get too much wine? Hostess %, no.
He's so full of himself he can't get
full on anything else Washington
Critic
Jones-I think cheap cigars are
horrible. Smith - Are they? j.
Are they? Didn't you ever smoke
one? S.-No; l never accept any
cigars from my friends. - Boston
Courier.
First flirt-That handsome man is
an acquaintance of yours, | see.
! Second fiirt-Yes. | have known him
for some time. ''Is he married or I'M
married." Hes drummer" ~ omaha
World.
SMITH see you are keeping COM
pany with Miss Jones yet? Brown
Yes. 'Does it mean businessP"
Cant tell. L wouldn't be surprised,
though, if | received proposal SOON"
-Btnghamt0n Republican.
An Eye for REPRESENTATIONS in
and have some lunch. professor. My
husband will lend you pair of trous-
ers if yours are wet" My dear Mrs.
Poyntz! Why, am twice your hus-
bands size!" 'Ttco pairs, thenw-
Punch.
"a Husband to Order is the title of
comedy. "a husband to order" is
what tie girls of this day and genera
lion are signing for, especially hus-
oand who will not object to buying a
sealskin sack when ordered to do SO.
NeU York Graphic.
Have you seen Quimby's painting
If Oldboy, who died last fall?" Yes,
and it's the most remarkable piece of
work | ever saw" Life like, is it?"
! i should say 50. When | saw it l in
voluntarily said to it: 'What'll you
| nave? y Lincoln Journal.
Customer Ito rubber overshoe deal
ar)-l want to get pair of rubbers.
| oealer-1es, air; same as you bought
Yesterday, l s'posep Customer-O,
yes, those gave excellent satisfaction.
t was nearly Il o'clock last night be-
fore they gave out.-Nea0 YorE Sun.
Druggist Gin alarm, to boy)-James,
run to Mr.. Smiths at once. I've made
an awful mistake! James (seizing
his NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
poison Druggist-No, no; she
sent for 10 cents worth of one cent
stamps, and l sent her ten twos,-NeW
| YORK. Sun.
Dumley (to landlady)-How true it
is, Mrs. Hendricks, that a woman's
work is never doneP Landlady-Very.
! would like to see you moment after
dinner, Mr.. Dumley, before you 90
out. Featherly (whispering)- say,
Dumlcy, some women's work is always
| dun.-New York Sun.
. Magistrate (to prisoner)-You say,
Uncle Rastus, that you took the ham
because you are out of work and your
family are starving. And yet l I'M
derstand that you have four dogs
about the house. Uncle Rastus-Yes,
sail, but wouddent arsk my family to
eat dogs, yo' Honah!-New York San
Washington dame - My dear, as
| your pa is to be stationed in China
next year, | wish you would try to
make favorable impression on the
members of the Chinese Embassy at
the party tonight, 50 that we can get
into socie<y when we go there. Lovely
| daughter Yes ma. Where is my
high-necked dressP-Omaha World.
Texas widow-"Yes, my husband
was good man before they hung him.
He killed seven men in five years. !"
And | suppose he was executed for
it" mo, he wasn't. Where did you
get that idea?" ''Why, you said he
was hanged" $50 he was, and told
him he would be when he commenced to
use loaded dice" - Nebraska State
Journal.
The Rothschilds are said to be en-
! gagged in an effort to control the dia-
mond products of the world. The
Rothschilds are a powerful family, but
when they deliberately rush into a COM
petitive fight with our native hotel
clerks their name is no longer Roths-
child but Dennis. Front! Show Mr.
Rothschild to No. 149, twelfth story,
rear!-Btnghamton Republican.
American Gin Canada)-"As I was
coming down the street | saw Mr.. De
Thief, the great American embezzler,
being taken to the police station. :"
Canadian-''Yes, Mr.. De Thief is a
valuable addition to our society, as he
spends his money freely, but he must
learn to obey our laws even if he is
rich and generous" "Eh? what has
he been dolng?" Driving faster than
a walk Sunday. Omaha World.