Connecticut western news., 1888-06-20
HUMOROUS

General training-Railroading.
 A model woman-The tryer-on of cloaks.
 Water fowcs until it freezes, then it's ice focs.
 Is it all day with a chess-player when both knights are gonea
 In winter fashionable horses take their grass Q To moved.
 A fountain head may very naturally have water on the brain.
 The girl who uses violet ink, wants her corrospon dence to be inviolet
 A counter-irritant--.A woman who prices everything and buys nothing.
 When singers throat is raw you can't expect her songs to be well done.
 'T passed some qucer'' and here am in prison all on accounterfeit, "he sighed.
 The days of chivslry havo passed wearing coat of aims.
 If you're to scribble what you hear,
 Then keep your pen behind your ear;
 If youewrite what you know of men,
 Then keep your ear behind your pen.
 sI will now take de sense ob de mcctin'," said tho ''froe lecturer;" but his audience had wild visions of penny collection and bolted for the door.
 Alas, how hard our tempers are
 To fully overcomel
 Too oft hearts take the trick abroad,
 While clubs are trumps at home.
 Heard on the street. First Domes- tic: Where are ye livin' nowf Second Domestic That Was: ain't Twin at all; I'm married We avoid extremes wherever we can,
 They always set our head in @ whirl; We've suffered much from the Positive man,
 And great deal more from the Negative
 girl.
 Other countries may spcnd moro money for guns than the United States, but they fall behind the American nation in the high prices paid for bat terics of the base ball sort. A calf was born on the farm of Michael Gibbons, Cambria County, Penn, without the remotest sign of tail. This refutes the venerable saying that the tail always goes with the hide.
 Judge---The witness swears you stole his coat, and have it on. must, there- fore, find you guilty. Tramp---Oh, well, your honor, if you're going to judge man by tho clothes he wears s'pose I'll have to give in.
 ''Willie," said the teacher, (which is the shortest day in the yearG' "Twenty- first of December" replied Willie. "Tommy may tell us which is the long. est day2' said the teacher, indulgently. Sunday" sh uted Tommy.
 We arc willing to take certain amount of stock phrases in newspaper accounts concerning blizzards, but when paper tells us about Q zephyr carrying bed quilt sixty-one miles and then going back for the sheet we aron't there.
 'I think" said tho minister, who was visiting parishioner, 'that it is easier to coax children than to drive them. Gentle words are more effective than harsh ones." 'I think so too," said the lady, tendcrly. Then she raised her window and suddenly shouted to her boy: "Johunie, if you don't come in out of that mudpuddlc I'll break your back"
 A novel just published closes with this sentence: ''They stood beneath the elm tree under whose spreading branches they had plighted their troth. Signing, he pressed her to his bosom aud then went away from her forever" The author is not we'll in- formed in botany. It is clear from the sentence quoted that the tree was not an elm, but sigh-press.
 "You mustn't hail a man
 When he's foggy insist;
 For melancholy reigns within;
 When he's gone he's never mist"
 Thus spoke the funny editor
 To man when travelling,