Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1888-03-29


is no worse than tarradiddle on
doorstep. and that was at least As
justified in denying my identity to
an autograph hunter as footman is
in blandly closing the door in an un-
welcome callers face, with the con-
ventional mot at home" though his
mis.ress Is writing tracts for the young
upstairs. But l reflected that in such
a case reasoning by analogy was waste
of time. 1t was too late by several
generations to appeal to the common
sense and fair play of the autograph
tyrant Not persuasion. but blow,
was needed; not reason, but retalia-
ton. Then think of the inestimable
boon I should confer on the whole
race of distinguished people by free
ing chem from the insuferable yoke of
the mediocre and obscure: It was a
noble cause. and fairly glowed with
the enthusiasm of the man who has
discovered an entirely new field for
the spirit of justice and self-sacrifice.
My resolution was taken. but how
was it to be carried out? debated
various plans. l might make a prac-
tice of returning the albums without
the expected autograph 1t was
pleasant to picture the disappointment
and disgust of the despot as he opened
his book and found a blank page. But
that was not enough. Iyearned for q
more intense form of irritation. 1t was
not bad idea to announce in the
newspaper that I would not be re-
sponsible for the return of albums, and
that intended to devote the postage
stamps sent with them to fund for
the benefit of some asylum for idiots.
On consideration rejected this prof
ect because it was too general l
wanted to strike blow that would be
felt individually rather than collect
lively. to bring home to every auto
graph fiend the sense of his special,
personal inquiry. At last had the
happiest thought of all Why not
write scathing and contemptuous quo
tations in every book? Nobody could
accuse me of deliberate libel. for /
might say that the quotation was one
of my favorite passages. For instance.
if Iwrote: Yours with all good wishes.
Hubert Fitzphosphorus." and under
meath: "a halter gratis" the re-
sponsibility would be quite as much
Shakespeare's as mine. Or if l adj
dressed a lady thus: "May bloom
and beauty rest with you always!
and added this pleasant ambiguity:
LET her paint an inch thick" l
should sting without exposing myself
to the charge of open outrage. The
more considered this idea, the more
l chuckled. l was going to have a
horrid revenge. and yet enjoy tho Sc
curity of inverted commas.
The great plan was put into execu-
ton without delay. attacked a
mountain of albums. and poured into
the enemy crushing fire of vicarious
sarcasm and invective. The ranks of
the inquisitors and prosecutors reeled
before me. l felt was wiping out a
hundred wrongs as l took curse rom
Shakespeare and dropped it into a
volume in which the autographs Of
many victims seemed to groan for
vengeance. 1t was ecstasy to write:
"These tedious old fools. in the
book of man who said he had been
collecting valuable signatures for
many years. l spared neither age nor
sex ''Frailty. thy name is woman"
| was my contribution to the album of
lady who. as l afterward learned.
was the pious founder of church and
two hospitals; and friend described
to me with much relish the sensation
| created in an ultra-Protestant family
when the daughter of the house re-
ceived from me the Injunction: "Get
thee TO a nunnery.
l pursued the campaign with una
bated ardor and enjoyment until one
fatal day when an entirely unforeseen
conjunction of events completely
turned the tables. had been visiting
for some time ut the house of a wealthy
citizen whose fortune had been made
either by his father or himself in a
brewery. Mr.. Tankerdale had retired
from business long before knew him,
and the origin of his wealth was never
mentioned in his household. He had
a daughter who took much interest in
nv eminence. and whose attractions
began to make ME a frequent guest.
She was fine girl. with rather a high
color, which she subdued with those
subtle articles so dear to the hearts of
women. All. Helena if you should
ever read this confession you may be
convinced at last that only wretch
ed mischance, and not malignant
purpose. made me appear before you as
the slanderer of your charms!
l had dined with the Tankerdales
one evening. and the conversation
turned upon handwriting.
Yours must be pretty stiff hand
for painting. Fitzphosphorus." said
Tankerdale. Rather suggest spider
with St. vitus' dance. Now mine is 3