The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1888-11-07
A HORRID FICTION.
The Fiendish Author Confounds Our
Regular Drudge with the Boswell
OF Bumps and Jinks.

The situation was so bad that in the ex-
tremity of his despair he was revolving
in bis mind whether he would better get
one Of lawyer thompson two-for-a-quar-
ter-three-for-ffty-c patent-aPplied-for
legal opinions on the feasibility Of bring
ing suit for damages against V. '. for
blocking up the sidewalk with his mus
tache. or whether it would be more efec-
tive to pose as widow and orphan and
hire Luning to carry around subscrip-
ton list on halves.
The occasion of this disastrous state of
| affairs was, that the editor had gum
boil on the end of his tongue, and as the
editor cannot write first class editorial
without chewing on his tongue, and
ramming it halfway through his cheek
at the end OF each sentence, the inability
to avail himself of the usual brain slim
ulator, bid fair to wreck the fair literary
career of the paper.
The editors brain was so full Of ideas
that you could hear his hair rustic with
the effort to hold them down, but every
time he composed himself to turn off
| choice morsel he would forget himself,
and that unlucky sore tongue would
wander off into his cheek and his teeth
would come down astride of that devoted
! gum boil, and then there would be demon
| alizing defamation from the editor, con-
| sisting of various scriptural quotations
| and epithets concerning a young lady
| called Helen DamnatiOn. The reporter
was not acquainted with the lady, but
| from the context judged she must be OF
| bad character.
! The reporter had finished his work for
| the night, having wrung his brains out
| dry in the manufacture of several sensa-
| tional runaways, including an extra fine
one about a horse running three miles
| with a brake with only one wheel and a
| baby without injury to either, and conse-
quently was in light, careless, happy
frame of mind, and disposed to enjoy the
! editorial literary circus. He facetiously
| offered to get pair OF tOngs and sit by
the editors side while he wrote, and
hold his tongue in place for him; and
| when the editor scowled at this offer,
| the reporter pathetically suggested
that he take a half hitch around his
tongue with a rubber band and hang
paper weight on the other end, SO that
|
his Jaws began to work the gum boil
would hang out 80 far that it would be
out Of the way OF danger.
The editor glared at the reporter with
a Clammy eye and fairly paralyzed him
by saying in cold and measured tones,
young man, Daniel Webster was ga
spring chicken in comparison with you.
You deserve to be made literary critic to
that strictly scientific association, the
Ball of Irvine Society. Such genius as
yours deserves recognition. YOu-sit
dOwn-there-and-writ ne-cOlumn-of-edi-
torial-in-one- hour-Or consider yourself
discharged" These last words were
measured off one at time, and left the
reporter in an utterly demOraliZed con-
dition. He knew by the cold-blooded
CLEAN of the bald spot on the editors
| head, and the sinister and vicious man
ner in which he cleared his throat and
adjusted his shirt collar that he meant
business. 1t was at this juncture that
the alternative methods of gaining a
livelihood above mentioned fitted like
nightmare visions across I, Wearled re-
pOrtOrial brain; but he had formerly
worked on the Bulletin staff; instinct
| lively his mind reverted to its old chan
nels and he began mechanically to write
"What are all these pains that are COM
ing upon us-a mysterious case in Wales
three bottles (price 5s. I'd. each) will
cure cOrns, bunions, liver complaint,
dizziness, tOOthaehe, itch, gumboils''-
y The
editor had been impolitely looking over
| the reporters shoulder, and these stars
and exclamation points are for polite
ness sake substituted for the remarks
| which he interjected at this point. He
wound up by saying: "None of that
| 1n1y I'LL
writing for the Bulletin, that you can fill
up two or three columns day with bogus
patent medicine ads. People will stand
that kind of thing in the Bulletin be-
cause they are used to it,and it's as fresh
as anything else in the paper, but I'd
have you to understand that this is a
newspaper The editor wound up his
remarks by humping the table with his
fist with such force that Jet of ink shot
out of the ink bottle and hit the reporter
full in the eye. He felt discouraged. As
he wept inky tears the drops struck the
paper in front of him, and to his inky
vision seemed to form themselves into
| the word jackal." This struck famil-
lar cord in his soul, and once more taking
up his pen he began: "The present
| government is hOpeiessly corrupt. Last
! Saturday night it rained, and on Sunday
morning there was a mud puddle on
! King street. Can any reasonable man
ask for better proof than that? Great
| gods and little fishes Charlie Mccarthy
and John f. to the rescue. But one short
year, and the foul deceivers masquer-
aiding as reformers have reduced us to
| this! The jackals of missionary politics"
- - '''' !! = y!
Here the editor glanced at the editorial.
He drew one long deep breath, and then
brought his big right hand down on to
the reporters head with such force that
four teeth and three joints of reportorial
back bone were instantly telescoped.
Grasping the unfortunate reporter by the
scalp lock he jerked him out of his chair
and shouted: so I've caught you at
10 It, have 1 So you're the drivelingid