The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-04-08
BILL NYE ON FARMING
He is Made Honorary Member
Of a Farmers Club,
AND he ACCEPTS THE HONOR
with the Condition that he be not
Asked to Make an Annual Ad"
dress or Award Prizes.

The Secretary of the Ashfeld Farm
ers' Club, of Ashfeld, Mass, Mr.. E. D.
Church, informs me by United States
mail that upon receipt of my favorable
reply, will become an honorary mem
Der of that club, along with George
William Curtis, Professor Norton, Pro-
fessor Stanley Hall, of Harvard, and
other wet-browed t0ilers of the cstnip-
infested domain of agriculture.
[ take this method of thanking the
Ashfeld Farmers Club, through its
secretary, for the honor thus all so IN
worthy bestowed, and joyfully accept
the honorary membership, with the un-
Outstanding, however, that during the
county fair the solemn duty of deliver
ing the annual ADDRESS from the judges
stand, in tones that will not only ring
along down the corridors of time, but
go laundering three times around
half mile track, and be heard above the
rhythmic PUNK of the hired man, who
is trying to ascertain, by means of a
large mswl and a humping machine,
how hard he can strike, shall fell upon
Mr.. Curtis or other honorary members
of the club. 1 have a voice that does
very we'll to express endearment, or
other subdued emotions, but it is not
effective at county fair. Spectators
see the wonderful play of my features,
but they only hear the low refrain OF
the naughty Clydesdale steed, who has
a neighSal voice, aud wears his tail in a
GrecIan coil. L received $3.50 once for
addressing a race track one mile in
length on the "Use and Abuse of En-
silage as g Narcotic" I made the gest-
ures. bat the sentiments were those of
the fouT-ton Percheron charger Little
Medicine, dam Eloquent.
l spoke under a low ,she9, and rather
adverse circumstances. In talking
with the committee afterward, as l
wrapped up my gestures and put them
back in the shawl strap, l said that |
felt almost ashamed to receive such a
price for the sentiments of others, but
they said that was all right. No one
expected to hear an agricultural ad-
dress. They claim that it was most
generally purely spectacular, and SO they
regarded my speech as great success.
I used the same gestures afterward IN
speaking of The Great Falling off
Among Bareback Riders in the Circuses
of the Present Day."
A PLEA FOR MERCY.
l would also like to be excused from
any duties as judge of curly-faced
stock or as umpire of ornamental
needle work. After person has had a
fountain pen kicked end-wise through
his chest by the animal he has awarded
the prize, and later on, has his features
worked up into giblet pie By the owner
of the animal to whom he did not
award the prize, he does not ask for
public recognition at the hands Of his
fellow citizens. It is the same in the
matter of ornamental needle work and
gaudy quiits which goad a man to
drink and death. While l am proud to |
belong to farmers club, and "change |
works" with q hearty, whole-Souled |
plowman like George William Curtis, l |
hope that all country fairs or other in !
tellectual hand-to-hand contests te
tween outdoor orators and other do
mestic animals, | may be excused. and |
that when judges Of iuflamed slumber |
robes and restless tides, which roll up |
and fall over on the floor, or adhere to |
the backs of innocent people; or stiff, |
hard Doric pillow shams which do not |
in any way enhance the JOY of sleep; |
or beautiful, pale-blue satin pin-cush- |
ions, which it would be wicked to put |
pin in, and which will therefore ever |
ard forever mock the man who really |
wants pin, just as the beautiful |
match-safe stands idly through the |
long vigils of the night, year after year,
only to laugh at a man, who staggers
toward it and falls up against it and
finds il empty; or like the glorious ink
stand which is so pretty and so fragile
that it stands around with its hands in
its pockets acquiring dust and dead
flies for centuries, SO that when you are
IN hurry, you stick your pen into
small cham Der of horrors I say when
the Judges are selected for this depart
ment, | would rather have my name
omitted from the panel, as [ have
formed or expressed an opinion, and
have reasonable doubts and conscien-
tious scruples which it would require
testimony to remove, and am not quail
qualified anyway. and 1 have already
placed in jeopardy once, and that is
enough.
LIVE QUESTIONS ON HAND.
Mr.. Church writes that the club has
taken up, discussed and settled all
points of importance bearing upon
agriculture. from the tariff up to the
question of whether or not turpentine
nourrd in a cows ear ameliorates the
hangs of hollow horn. He desires sug-
eestjons and questions for discussion.
Thet shows the club to be thoroughly
alive. 1t will soon be spring, and we
oornot then discuss these matters,
New responsibilities will be added day
by day in the way of stock, and we will
have to think of names for them.
Wonld it not be well before the time
comes for active farm work, to think
ont long list of names before the little
strangers arrive? Nothing serves to
iow-farmers. or the world, more than
rhe frequent alterations between own
srs and their hired help over what name
thew shall give weary, Wobbly calf