News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-08-30
THE J0KERS' BUDGET.
SOME OF THE BEST SAYINGS BY
HUMOROUS WRITER'S.
For Her Sake-Sad-An Opprobrious
Epithet-New at the Ball Game
She Knew Him Well, &C.

EpIthet-New at the Ball Came
She Knew Him Well, &C.
FOR HER SAKE.
Wife-John, your hair is coming out
at terrible rate.
John-I know it, my dear. / must
do something for it at once.
Wife-I wish you would, John, for
my sake. You know how people talk
Epoch.
IT BROUGHT BACK HOME.
Mrs. S.-Did you enjoy your Euro
pean tour?
| Mr.. Z.-Immensely
Mrs. S.-What place did you like
| best2
Mr.. Z.-Constantinople
Mrs. S.-Agreeable city2
Mr.. Z.-Yes. The streets are filth,
the police very impertinent and the ho-
tel accommodations horrible. It remind
ed me of dear New York.-Time.
SHE KNEW HIM WELL.
Miss Clara (blushing)-Do you know,
Ethel, that young Mr.. Sampson pro-
posed to me last night, and I accepted
him?
Miss Ethel (heartily)-I congratulate
you sincerely, Clara. Mr.. Sampson is
a noble young man.
Miss Clara-Do you know him very
we'll?
Miss Ethel-Oh, yes. It was only
few months ago that promised to be
sister to him.-7Td Bits.
| yor KNOW
Miss Guileless-Do you know why I
have always taken fancy to you, Mr..
| Bashful2
! Mr.. Bashful (who has at last nerved
himself up to the occasion and is about
to declare his undying loye)-I am sure
I should like to know.
Miss G.-Well, it's because you are
not one of those soft fellows who think,
because I am polite to them, that 1 am
in love- They're such bores, you know.
Declaration indefinitely postponed.)
NEW AT THE BALL GAME.
"Now, Cicely," he said, as they seated
themselves ON the grand stand, "if there
is anything you don't understand, Just
ask me and I'll tell you all about it.
"Thank you, George" replied Cicely.
"Who is that young man going about
with the glasses; is he the umpire2
"No; he's the soda water man. Here,
young man, give us two glasses OF
lemon. "-Drake's Magazine.
OUR CHILDREN.
Anxious Mother (appealingly)-"Alec,
please do not put your foot out that way.
You might get hurt
Johnny (positively)-Alec, take your
foot in. Do you want mamma to have
to buy coffin and funeral, when you
know she wants O new refrigerator so
badly?
TEMPUS FUGIT.
"Well, did You get along all right2'
said young married lady to a friend
who had just returned from Wasfington
where she had gone to pass an examina-
tiOn for the civil service,
"Oh yes, think so" was the reply,
uttered in a rather hopeless tone, her
friend thought.
"Wasn't it odd % the friend rejoined
-''last year you went on to be examin- |
ed the day after my wedding; this year
the day after baby was born. When
you go on to get your appointment"
"He will be grown up" interrupted
the hopeless one.
AN oPPRoBRIoUs EPITHET.
Uncle Rastus Ito lawyer)-Kin 1
git Ell man rested fo' callin' me bald
headed ole thief, Mistah Blank2
Lawyer-Certainly Uncle Rastus,
no man has any right to call you such
man.
Uncle Rastus-Dat's what thought,
sab. When er man gifts to be as ole as
l am, taint his fault dat he's bald-head-
ed.
SETTLED IT.
She was very embarrassed, as the
rivals had both called the same night;
but at last bright thought entered her
mind.
"Oh, Mr.. Brown" she said to one of
them, who was musically inclined, "do
play that lovely waltz of yours, and Mr..
Gysant and will Dance
A STROKE OF GENIUS.
Reginald I love you. L
Elsie (interrupting) - Really, Mr..
Regin-
Reginald Gnterrupting)-Before you
finish, come out and have some wine
Jelly, ice cream, cocoanuts, lemonade,
fried oysters, and sherbet.
Elsie (fondly)-Reginald, I always
loved you.-Time.
DEFICIENT MENTALLY,
Dumley (whose credit is not first
class)-I say, Brown, can you lend me
$40 for few days?
Brown (reluC tantly pulling out roll
of bills)-I-er-s'pose I'll have to,
Dumley.
Dumley-You seem to have plenty of
money, old fellow.
Brownies, [ seem to have more
money than brains.
COULD PERLICE LITTLE.
essay, Mister inquired countryman of
the station-house keeper yesterday, "do
you want any more hands down herel"
He was big six-foot fellow in his
shirt sleeves, slouched hat and pants in
his boots, with his whip tucked under
his arm.
81 don't know" said the station-house
keeper. "What can you do2"
"Oh, l guess | can perlice little"
"No," laughed the policeman; eve
don't want any more hands.
"Mr. Sampson asked me to be his wife
last night, papa"
"And what did you say2"
81 told him he must give me little ;
time, and he said could have the usu-
al thirty days, or 5 per cent. for cash,
and then he stopped and apologized.
What am I to think of him, Papa?"
"Think of him." shouted the old man. I
''That young fellow is full of business, '
and you can't say yes too quick!"
A PROBLEM SOLVED.
Old Man-If I give my daughter to
you, young man, where will you take d,
her?
Young MAXWELL, ,er-I thought we !!
might stay here with you until can get
things Strengthened out bit. !
Old Man-H-m yes, had quite over i i
looked that easy solution of the difficult ::
ty, but my house is very small. !
Young Man-Ye.es, thought of that, l
too; but the idea occurred to me that :
possibly the house could be enlarged. !
A BREAK. I
Commercial Man (awakening, to por '
ter)-In already? Well, I've been trav-