News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-04-26
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
THE LATEST GOOD THINGS SAID
BY THE HUMOROUS MEN.


THE LATEST GOOD THINGS SAID
BY THE HUMOROUS MEN.
Her Foolin'-A Leap Year Story
1t Was Returned-Mr. Perkins
Left-Why She Formed It-He
Still Had Hope. Etc, Etc.
THE ONLY REMARK.
: ''I say, Bobby, whispered Featherly,
"dld your sister Clara seemed pleased
when she learned that l intended to call
last night?"
81 didn't notice." said Bobby.
"Didn't you hear her say anything
at alll"
"Let-me-see, unused Bobby.
i "The only thing 1 heard her say was
she told ma she mustn't forget to set the
clock half an hour FAST
GLOOM.
| Mrs. Flatte-There is no doubt about
! it; this is the worst cook we have ever
had. Positively not decent thina On
| the table; but she does the wash most
beautifully.
Mr.. Flatte (gloomily)-Pity we can't
eat the wash.
| INCREASE OF ILLITERACY.
"What is the percentage of ilIiteracy
! in Nebraskal'
81 don't know, but it is rapidly on the
| increase"
Chow do you make that out?"
"Well, take Smiths family, for in
stance. A year ago they were all edu-
oated persons. Now so per cent of them
. oaunot read nor write"
81 can't see how that can be-"
"Why, Mrs. Smith had twins last
week. ."-NebraskG State Journal.
HE HAD HOPE.
81 can never be more than sister to
you" said buxom widow, tenderly, to
an old bachelor who had proposed.
"Ah, madam, yes you can," he re-
Bponded, gallantly. 81 am not man
to lose hope"
eyes, but I say cannot" she per-
sisted.
"You have daughters, madam he
said; "you may yet be my motherin-
law. - Washington Critic.
IN ITERNALsUMMERSyILLE
Hotel Waiter Gn Southern California;
-Orang awslicedquartere d t d.
triederbaked3
Guest (desperately)-I don't want
EN- in any shape. [ want meat and
potatoes
"Meat?"
eyes, meat"
"Potatoes?'
"Yes, potatoes"
Waiter Ito proprietor a few minutes
later)-Send for the police, crazy man in
The dining room.-OmGhG World.
SHE FAVORED IT,
"Oh, I'm so gIad!" exclaimed Miss
Gushington, looking up from the paper;
they are going to appropriate, oh, ever
so much money on coast defenses. You
remember the last time we went tobog-
gaming tore my costume into ribbons
by running off the slide. "--BOstOn Tran
script.
THE CRITERIAN.
$50 you want to join my company2"
said the manager of an unsubstantial
theatrical company to young man,
"Yes, cir.
"Ever had any experienced"
'Yes, sir"
"Well, I'll test your capabilities.
Just pick up that trunk over there and
let me see how you would go about let
ting it out of the window. .'-IHerchant
ITdCelLer.
THE CONVERSATION OF CAB.
IT, :, ;n+oroc+;pc, +, +rooo +Lo oro1,,+;o,,
of words and expressions. Cultivated
people say, ''How do you no?" Those
who are less precise say, "Howdy do?"
say, "Howdy2' The noble red man of
on the fsnce says, "Ow?"-NOrWich BuL- |
letin.
A WISE BUSINESS RULE.
Visitor Ito convict-What are you in
for. my friend?
Convict-Burglary.
Visitor-Rob bank2
Convict-Excuee me- sir, but [ have |
always made it point never to discuss
my private business affairs with stran- |
gers.-N. Y. Sun.
PERKINS LEFT.
"Miss Laura" said the young man
smilingly, "may 1 ask why you have |
that string tied around your finger?"
"That string2" said the lovely girl, |
rousing herself and removing it. "Why,
I put it on my. hnger to remind me that
you were coming this evening. I have
Perkins What are you going al
rao5u2 opo o,,rrv - ILjn1oa Tl,,; !
bune.
HIS LIVING.
A good story is told of the son of the
learned Methodist Bishop Foss. The
young man was introduced to an emf
nent minister of that church at n recent
reception at Minneapolis. "Ah," said
the minister, '.you are the sun of Bish
op Foss, are you2 l know him very
we'll and am glad to know you. [ sup
pose you are going to be a minister,
too?" "No, sir, replied the young man,
promptly, Il am going to earn my l1v-
ing - Washington Post.
VERY WEAK.
Smith (an old-school medical student
and new border, to the mistress of the
Jones, you are q believer
in homeopathy, are you not2
Mrs Jones-Oh, no, sir. What made
you think so2
Smith-Your coffee.-Judge.
COURAGEOUS ANIMAL.
Bruised and Battered Young Man ito
livery stable proprietor)-You told me
the horse WASH afraid of anything.
Livery Man-So he isn't. You don't
suppose horse that's timid would try
to beat an express train over railroad
do you?
COMPLETE EXPLANATION.
Pittsburg Citizen Ito grocer)-Look
here, Mr.. Small, that pound of tea L
got yesterday contained only fourteen
ounces.
Pittsburg Grocer-Oh, that's nothing.
It's only a weigh l haqe.- PttS6nrg
ChrOnScle.
CHICAGO EDUCATION.
At Chicago breakfast table:
Husband-Frightfu blizzard that in
the East, wasn't it? All the cities on
the Atlantic coast were completely iso-
lated.
Wife mot educated in Chicago
Don't pronounce that word with the /
long, my dear. You should say "isso-
ofoI