Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1888-06-03
Startling Statements BY Man Who has Sudlsd
The SuHjscs-Hs Thinks he IS an Expert
asd hs Never Bats 'sm.
rtnnon d, National Flrner.

VINO u auulCLcu " bho CoeAo6 " -
Pie is often as bad for the stomach oil q
growing boy as cigarette smoke Is for the
brain, and as Injurious To the beat physical
development Of girl in her teens as an
overdose of fashion plate is for the mind.
Our State prisons, penitentisries and re-
formatories are filed with the unhappy
wretches who were given over TO inordinate
indulgence in their appetite for pie.
On the other hand, no one has ever been
elected president Of the United States who
was . victim of this awful vice.
Mental hallucination, physical wreck,
and moral turpitude mark the path oil the
monster evil.
Men who rob banks and cut threats eat
pie.
Ministers who fall from grace think
more of their pie than their principles.
Crooks" and cranks who seek to knock
the uuderpinnipg from under the sstab-
lished order of things eat pie between
meals.
New England used to burn witches and
punish men who kissed their wives and
children on Sunday.
WITHDRAWING long ago ceased, and the
Blue laws are regarded rs o curiosity.
And yet as great a sin against the bgat
and intelligence Of the nineteenth century
has been perpetGsted by New England; as
great a relic of the barbarism of the dark
ayes has been handed down in the shape
OF pie-ea;iug
Pie ruins digestion, and sets dyspepsia
up in business.
Conscience takes vacation when dys-
pepsis gets TO RAINING on full time.
With the absence Of conscience and the
presence Of pie, the victim Is doomed.
With the appetite whimsical the dlges-
tive apparatus total wreck, the liver up
side down and the spleen ready to hit the
first head il sees, the wretched being has no
regard for either the laws of man or God
A great deal is said, and a good deal OF
il rightly said, against the evils Of rum and
tobacco. And yet great many Of these
reformers themselves eat pie, and give 1T to
their friends, and feed it to their innocent
little children.
To be consistent, every total abstinence
pledge should include the eating Of pie
along with the drinking and smoking and
chewing.
Some young ladies' refuse to marry any
man who has habit of using narcotics or
stimulants. Ifthey were wise, these same
Young ladies would ind out if their adj
mirers had developed q weakness for pie.
Snch a weakness should secure "the nit
ten" for q man every time he tries to get q
wife
The woman who will organize an anti
pie association the non eating, non
pie-eOoking young women, who are bound
by a solemn pledge never to marry a man
who eats pie-will do grsnder service to
her sex and humanity than all the wo-
mans rights societies and pilanthropic
combinations in the world.
Pie is the prime cause of divorce. Let
the manageable woman. remember this
fact. Indirectly it sOurs hesweetest tenn
psrs on earth, making husband and wife
cold, peeyish, hard to please, unreasonable,
unforgivipg. Directly, many a home that
might be otherwise happy, is started on
the downward road by the snappish criti-
Cism of the husband.
~ do wish you could ever learn TO bake
such pies as my mother did"
From the pie, that is unlike the one the
mother baked, to the divorce court is but
a short trip.
II consider the kitchen as being the
DEVILS own organized kingdom against the
kingdom of health in the human family"
says Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.
Mr.. Beecher is right, but he might have
added that the boss devil Of the kitchen is
pie.
Pie runs a neck-and-neck race with in
temperance for the honor Of filing the jails
and mad houses.
Pie is the druggists hope and the doc
tors Joy, and is one OF the most energetic
and useful allies of the undertaken.
Pie means slow death, in lbs most pain
ful, most expensive form.
Leaving the crime and disease and the
other penalties Of pie-eating ont Of the
question, the direct cost in dollars and
cents is startling.
We are told how many millions rum and
tobacco cost the people of this country
every year, how many cigars and cigarettes
and how many gallons of whisky, wine
and beer there are for every man, woman
and child, but not word about the pie
consumed or its cost.
Let's try some figures on the pie ques-
ton There are now go, 900, 900 people in
the United States. Give them each q pie
a week for q year, only one pie q week
aud some of them eat two or three pies q
day, every day OF their stomach-debauched,
pie-bIastsd hyes-thst make q total OF
3,12O,O 900 pies eaten every almanac
year in the 3S States and 10 Territories Of
this pie-cursed land.
Call the eoet of each pie four cents-a
reasonable estimate, below rather than over
the actual figures-and multiplying the
estimated number OF of pies eaten by the
cost, and we have Sl24, 500, 600 spent for
pies in - months!
What sort of hole would that make in
the national debt. about which the pie-eat-
ing politicians and economists have such
chronic Nightmares?
But these figures ae drawing it mild.
know a single community of 700 souls,
in q New Eugland town, where they eat q
pie day apiece, every man, woman and
child Of them. That would be, at cost
of 4 cents pie, $2S a day, or SIC, go =
wear for pies in one small village. There
isn't one of them that lives in house that
cost over $500. They consider themselves
poor, and they do work hard for every cent
they get. They can't afford books or papers,
and il isllike pulling teeth for them TO raise
$500 q year to pay their minister.
Aside from the money worse than wasted
on pie, and its horde of other baneful ef-
feets, the time worse than wasted by
housekeepers and cooks, if devoted to im-
provement of the mind would in twelve
months Danish illiterscy from the land
Young women, if it be true that you can
only reach q mans heart through the stom-
aeh, do not, with pride in your skill Is a
cook, offer your accepted lover or prospec-
tive husband that which may cast fatal
spell over all the coming years. Give him
cold poison, if yon will, but IS you value
your happiness and his, offer him no cold
pie.
Young man, ifthe angel of your dreams,
the young lady ofyour hopes, with smile
upon her sweet lips, offers You pie, though
she add, 81 made it myself" have she
moral courage 10 resist the temptation,
and bravely say:
II love yOu dearly, truly, aye, better
than my own life, but cannot eat your
piep'
To the homeless one, surrounded BY
tamptation at every railway station, every