The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1888-11-25
For THE HERALD.
A Farce in Three Acts.


berry. Bill passes without much oppo-
sition, except from few'old and anti
quated fossils who have not kept Up
with the progress OF the times, and the
fat goes forth that the Mormon Church
must be despoiled.
Act obscene, Salt Like City. A
carrion on which il inscribed Poor
Mormon Tithing." Vultures all around
eager to pick at it.
Vulture No. 1-"You fellows keep of
till 1 get my fill. Pm the biggest bird
| in the outfit"
Vulture No. 2-"See here I represent
the man that killed the beast; want
| first pick.
Vultures and Ave are will
ing you fellows should come in. but we
object to all these buzzards. Our
motto is. us four and no more.
Amen ,"
Here follows clapping of bazzard
wings, cries and confusion, ETC., etc.
xSAct 3d-To be continued IN our next.
I'm poor clod hopper aud in order
to raise the wind it struck me 1 might
attain to fame and fortune by writing a
play for the stage. This Is my first
venture and 1 think it will be great
success. If you will u 5lish I'll take
you IN and give you a free ticket for
the whole season. OF course, it will
meet with some opposition, genius
always does, but l believe that if | in
sist on its production it will finally
succeed. Nothing succeeds like success
and this is great SUCCESS, l tell you. /
remember reading about lord somebody
writing some plays and hey didn't take,
but he was gritty, he stuck to it and ne
came out all right, so you mustn't des-
pair. This play of mine may appear
rather crude at first, but the more you
look at it the more its beauty and
grsndeur looms up (like an iceberg in
fog) 1t will bear heap Of study and
therein lies Its great merit. row I've
seen some plays that after being wit
messed you go home and think no more
about them, but this Is different. When
yon We seen this one yon haven't seen
1t all and you sort of banker for more :,
and you go home and dream about It
all the time. It's kind of perpetual
thing, like hand organ, there no end
to it. tell you, Mr.. HERALp, it's big
thing and you won't get many offers
like this in your lifetime.
Con6dentially, Pm not a Democrat
por yeta Republican; I'm not a Nor
mon nor an Anarchist. I doesn't be-
long to any sect, party or organic alton
on the face of the whole earth, and I'm
qualified to take disinterested view
of this play, and when l think of the
great effect it will have on public
morals my bosom swells with pride.
To think that 1, citizen of this great
and free republic, should be the author
of such a play! I'm naturally very
modest and the fact of my bose m
heaVing with pride, proves conclusiVelY
its great merit. Besides the moral tone
of society wants refining. Heretofore
been traditioned to believe that it's
wrong to steal it's a great mistake,
except when done by some poor devil
who is very hungry or wants pair of
boots, then, of course, you're obliged to
put a ball and chain on him or what
would be much better, kill him and put
him out of his misery, but then when
its done By some great governing
body or ring OF some kind
its another thing altogether, because,
then, it acquires all the sanctity Of law.
You will be able, no doubt, to per-
ceive the difference, but there ar5 q
great many people so stupid that they
can't do 1t to save 'em, and they organ
ize into all kinds of secret SOCIETIES for
the purpose of putting an end to all
stealing by blowing up everything in
the shape OF law or government. Now,
you see, this here play of mine will tone
up such people and show them the error
of their ways.
Before l quit I'll give you 9 bit of
news which will be valuable to you, as
you publish newspaper. I've just
heard that the great election which
| takes place once in a while In the United
States (not in Utab) has gone Repubii-
can-clean gone. l know you'll feel
bad, because you're Democrat; but I'm
mighty glad of it; not that you feel
bad, but because the Republicans have
won. I've been looking around for a
drink, but l amt struck it yet, but l
reckon I'll get it after while, because
as understand it the Republicans are
in for free whisky, and being of Irish
extraction, as they say, that is, my
mother was extracted out of ireland
through starvation, naturally love a
drop, and being poor I've never been
able to raise enough money to pay the
duty, let alone buying the whisky, and
the consequences are I've never been
able to indulge in an old-fashioned jol-
LITIGATION. Now there's going to be a
change. Whisky once free thing, and
I'll stand show lii Q other nabobs.
! l knew all the time the Republicans
would win (you see I'm a natural born
prophet, Notwithstanding my father
said l was a natural born fool, but then,
he meant l was foolhardy, because be-
ing long-headed l was always looking
ahead, and naturally stumbled over
everything that was lying loose around)
because the majority of the people in
the United States are sensible, and l
knew they would vote for free whisky;
| that stands to reason. You see, the
Democrats was in for cheap clothes and
the Republicans for cheap whisky
Now, if you've got plenty of whisky
you don't want many clothes, they
would he in the way. Whisky makes
you warm, it will even make you hot
when the thermometer is 80 below. 1t
makes warm bed and soft pillow of
the hardest rock, and above all it makes
ran rich even if he don't own red i,
and then, of course, he don't want