The Delta independent., 1888-05-08
WELCOMING THE BURGLAR.


When they had no other place to go.
have they not always felt free to come
to my house? And how have they re-
warded my hospitality When they
went through my house last year and
found a condition of things which would
have moved the stoniest heart, what
did they do? They stole a valuable
autograph album which had been sent
me to write in and l had to pay for it.
They took n valuable umbrella which l
had borrowed few years ago, and
which intended to return to the owner
after awhile. They ate some cold rice
and sorghum which had been set aside
for the use of other guests, and then
they left the gate open SO the COWS got
in and ate up my lima beans.
Now l am asked to use my influence
in the direction of better sand bag facil-
tiles for burglars and more reliable
style of rapid transit between the tax
payer and the New Jerusalem.
In years past will admit that l was
running for office good deal, and l
had to do things that would retain the
burglar vote, but now l am firm in my
convictions and outspoken for what 1
believe to be right. A man engaged in
trying to be his own successor in the
portfolio of justice of the peace is not
free moral agent 1t is more or less SO
in other Offices, but it is especially SO
with a justice of the peace.
now propose, with the help Of the
American people and an earnest, manly
effort on my part, to shake off the bur.
glar and come out and take higher
ground will go further and include
the patrons of arsony and other social
istic organizations. Henceforth my
voice will be heard in more or less
stentorian tones in the interests of hu-
manity. Prosperous burglary which
gets second trial will be regarded the
same as less fortunate petty larceny,
which gets ninety days.
Burglars who may have voted for me
in the old days are hereby notified that
the autograph album and lima beans
offset that account, and that it is my
earnest wish, so far as it is n my pow
er, during the remaining years which
may be granted me, to live down and
forget the dark and devious days when
l was in politics. L believe that easier
and more painless methods for the
administration of capital punishment
will soon be perfected, whereby man
who is executed by the law will not be
entitled to any more glory or flowers
than one who dies of pneumonia. To
that end i am willing to work When
that is accomplished will devote my
hating powers to the further ameliora-
ton of my race. But the burglar has
no further political claims on me.
Men who visit New York from . dis
tance desiring to purchase greenbacks
at forced sale or to obtain gold bricks
of those who are compelled to sell them
for mere song. will always be amelio.
rated so long as my good right arm
shall not forget her cunning.
Visitors who visit the metropolis for
the purpose of going on a bat, claim
ing that eastward the star of Vampire
takes its way, will have to get their
amelioration outside this Office.
1 am willing to do what can for the
promotion of science and the painless
pulling of burglars, but that is as far as
l would 90. Moreover, hope that our
correspondence will not continue any
longer. Burglars who pleased and en-.
tertained me when l was in politics have
long since ceased to do SO. The truth
of the matter is that while all other pro
fessions have made rapid progress, poll
tics and burglary are just where they
were hundred years ago.
One reason why burglary has not
made more rapid strides 1 believe to be
because burglars do not advertise. They
rely wholly upon their insight and keen
penetration. The result Is that burglars
and burglary have fallen off. 1 do not
believe in trying to help profession 80
abundantly able to help itself.