Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1888-03-25
BURDETTE GRUMBLES
AND TELLS OF SOME THINGS THAT ARE
OUT OF JOINT
March Winds and Frosts Set the Genial
Humorist to Grumbling.
For the ni.pa,ch-copyrigh.ea. 1881

Humorist 10 6rumbiing.
For the Dispatch-Copyrighted 1881
Sometimes, and especially it seems TO
me in the month OF March. the time is
dreadful out Of joint. The wrong men
die and the straight men wander into
crooked places. The bootblack Sims
around the corner with your change.
and the cashier OF the savings bank
scoots for Canada with your deposits.
Your mine was sailed and pans out no.
thing but assessments you have gone
into an orange speculation, and a white
1 frost settles down oil over Florida. AT
every deal you draw hand with which
you can neither pass out with grace nor
stay in with safety. Your boots are
tight, your hat too large. your dress
suit comes home two days after the
party, the dog-catchers gobble your
valuable setter, the chimney smokes,
somebody sticks your red-ink pen into
the black ink, and the world turns round
/ too fast for week at time.
The wicked man hourishes like a
green bay-tree, while his honest neigh
Dor gets whip-sawed every deal. The
doctor prescribes quinine for your chills
and the druggist puts you up something
worthless and cheap for 81 an ounce.
There are thirty-seven authors of " Beau
! tiful Snow" and not one for the " Bread
Winners" In Chicago one mandatory
makes nothing but century-old grand
fathers clocks, and furnishes pedigrees
for the same to the purchaser, until 10
own a tall, antique clock is proof posi-
tive that your family began only with
your father. In Philadelphia they make
violins that look seventy-five years older
than the most genuine Stradiyarlus four
weeks after they are made, so that now
an ancient honest-lookine, decrepit
violin is prim0-tdcie evidence of glazing
and outrageous fraud. There is milk IN
the water of commerce and sugar in the
sand the grocer sells. We have rlgors
where we used 10 have chills.
"Old Subscriber" is usually an in
dividual who borrows the paper from a
neighbor or reads the copy pasted up on
the bulletin-board.. "Constant Reader
who never read anything in all his life
save the pictures on a clrcus-poster, and
Tax Payer" is the signature OF a
tramp. A struggling genius writes a
poem with a soul of fire that lives for
ever and a day and dies in tears and
loneliness and poverty in a hall bed
room, fifth floor back. Queen Victoria
grinds out a book that no living man
outside the Guelph family and the proof
reader could be hired to read, aud has
pie three times a day, owns five dogs,
and bushels of India shaw.s.
When December is here with select
assortment of chilblains and frost-bltes
we CRY. Would Heaven it were July"
And when July is come stralghtway we
are sunstruck.
There are 5000 known classified
and described species of fish. And yet
a man can fish in good watere all day
long and never catch one solitary specl-
men Of the smallest kind, and bringeth
home with him only two weeks ration
OF malarial fever. This, also, is vanity.
Inever took girl to church,
The longest way back home 10 plan,
But what she left me- in tho lurch,
And walked back with another man.
Garfield was shot to death in the prime
of good and useful life Lincoln was
taken away just when the country least
could spare him. De Long laid down
his life for science ere yet his sun had
reached its meridian, while the man who
can write forty-nine chapters of the BIZ
BILE on one side Of postal-card will pro-
baby live to the age OF ninety-three.
This doesn't seem right.
The girl with soft gray eyes and rip
ping brown hair, who walked all over
your poor, futtering heart at the charity
ball. has Just finished crazy quilt con-
tanning 1884 pieces OF neckties and hat
Innings put together with II, $3.50 stitches.
And her poor old father fastens on his
suspenders with a long nail. piece Of
Irvine, q sharp stick. and one regularly
ordained button. This, also, is vanity.
Man planteth q bed Of pansies in the
front yard, and 10, there cometh up
naught save colony of cut-worms only
He goeth forth into the field and drop
peth corner into the hills. and 400, OOO.-
600 crows sing as they pluck it out OF
the ground right after him.
He strolleth through the leafy woods,
and his hide is filed with chigres. He
loleth in the fragrant winrows of the
new-mown hay, and straight away fitch
himself with snake. There are spring
guns in the orchard, bull in the pas
ture, ram in the meadow, a dog in the
yard, and three tramps down the road, so
that he hath no rest for the sole Of his
foot and no JOY for his heart if he moyeth
out of his own room.
Somebody has got to straighten this
old world out, and as they seem to be
little slow about it / have made up my
mind that / will do it myself.