The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1888-08-23
SOME DEVICES OF FREAKS.
soueer Inventions in the Patent Office
Which are Useless.
From the Neto York World.


guild is. If anything could get hearing
In the house at the present time, an appro-
prjation to experiment in perpetual motion
would have a good chance 1t is not so
many years since congress appropriated
sS0 600 to enable Albert Brisbane to
Demonstrate his grand project" of
transporting goods by rolling iron
snheres through a pneumatic tube. He
ding a deep ditch from the capitol to the
nublic printing Office, half mile, began to
bnild brick cylinder in it and then applied
% congress for more money. This request
was declined, and Henry Wilson, president
of the senate, laughingly said, 'All l want
IN know is whether there is money enough
10 'oft TO TO FIJI up the hole.n This proved to Be
The case. the contractor filled the hole, and
brisbane filled the circumambient air with
curses and left.
The house committee on ventilation last
month voted to encourage one Du Bots to
build vast flying machine, 600 feet long
and 100 feet wide-that is, it voted that if
he should build such vehicle and prove its
utility to the Secretary Of the Navy he
should then be reimbursed the total amount
Of it's cost up to S75, 900. 1t was not very
reckless offer. Du Bots applied for patent,
and Commissioner Hall straightway refused
n on the ground that there is nothing new
about the coutrivance, except its great size,
and this would only increase the magnitude
of its failure. I saw the crank to-day wan
dering around the lobbies of the house to
''get another hearing" S. S. Cox says the
Du Dois balloon ought to so up in the Bots
de B0ulOgne.
Every week, from some direction, comes to
the patent office an application for patent
for perpetual motion, for there is abroad
through the land an unfounded rumor that
the government has offered 81 900, 900 for
the discovery of such a device. No contra
diction corrects the impression any more
than it does the equally preposterous delu-
SION that somebody has offered to pay 500
for 100000 postage stamps. When each
new claim for perpetual motion arrives
Commissioner Hall merely writes back:
please file working model and your APP
plication will be considered" This always
puts a stop TO it. for the model never works.
The commissioner showed me yesterday
two old volumes, "Perpetuum Mobile" a
chronicle of the various devices for per-
petual motion. The first were made 1000
Years ago, and since that time the delusion
has stumbled through SO many complicated
failures that all governments are justified
in doing what the French academy did as
early as 1775-refuse to consider any in
vention which claims to give power
without an equivalent expenditure
of energy. This is the place to say that
Mr.. Hall gives greater satisfaction than any
other commissioner the patent Office has had
for many years. He is not a trained expert
in patents, as he ought to be, but he has
good practical sense, quick perception, pa
tience and impartiallty, and a regard for
justice that is generally acknowledged.
OTHER CRAZY SCHEMES.
Application was made some time ago
from Kentucky for a patent for living a
weight of specific gravity to a cows tail to
keep her from switching it when you are
milking"
The ingenius rustic failed to define special
gravity, and he was very much surprised to
get an answer from the ex miner: Patent
refused. Idea old. Seems to be virtually
the same as that invented by the Squire of
Spain's most famous knight. When the
mule brayed and disturbed his sleep, Sancho
Panza noticed that it always elevated its
tail simultaneously, so he tied a weight of
specific gravity to the mules tail and the
sleep of Don Quixote was disturbed no
more"
An odd patent has been granted to shut
the moth miller ont of beehives. A rural
observer noticed that by some curious pro-
vision of nature, the moth-miller got into
beehives at tho very time chickens went to
roost. He acted accordingly, and his de-
vice makes the weight of the chickens,
when they fly to the roost close a gate at
the mouth of the beehives, which effectually
exclude the moth. The inventor thought
fully says in his application: But | ex-
pect that, after time, the miller may get
sense enough to keep watch of the chickens
and come i'll few minutes earlier"
An applicant for gas patent proposes to
make gas by cheating air red hotT'
A funny patent, for which there is not an
extensive sale, is a spiral spring for mules
feet, to elevate the animals s inches from
the ground. This is for use only in war,
and enables q howitzer to be fired from a
mules back without breaking his legs at
the recoil. 1t is said to fill mule with as
constituent and to make him seasick.
FARMERS GET IN THEIR WORK.
Another patent, actually granted, some
what analogous to this, is for stills for a
horse. They are adjustable, and can be
fastened on two legs Of horse on the same
side. $50 as to pillow with the animal on a
side hill" The opinion of the horse con-
corning the value of this invention is not on
file. In one of the cases of the patent office
is "tape-worm trap" for which patent
was granted. 1t provides for batting hook
in peculiarly seductive manner and art
fully lowering it down the throat of the
afflicted person. The department did not
insist on seeing it in action.
The agricultural contrivances are very
numerous, ana some OF Unem are SO lngenl-
GUS as to suggest that the inventor must
have sat in the warm corner of the fireplace
and thought about them all winter. One
farmer has utilized horses step by fasten-
ing corn planter to each of his fore feet,
so that in driving him across the field he
will punch the seed into the ground and
cover it at every step all day, for his boots
are filled with corn.
Another presents curious combination
OF war and peace in "the cannon pillow, the
lroq plow-beam being hollow and charged
with cannon ball, so that if Cincinnatus
Is attacked by the Equi in the open field
rs may merely touch off the plow-handles
and scatter dismay and destruction among
the advancing enemy. But in this valua-
Die device, as in so many others. the brute
creation are lost sight of, and there seems
TO be no arrangement for suddenly wheel
ing the unsuspecting mule around out of
the way of the posterior grape-shot. This
omission should be remedied before the re-
markabe combination pillow is brought into
general use.
A patent exists for mounting house on
wheels so that it may be turned around on
aclrcular track, the benefit being that every
part Of the residence is thus alternately
brought to the front gate, and the sun,
winch is VIGOROUSLY limited to a semi-cir-
cult, Is made to shine into every window in
spite OF the laws of the solar system. | am
sorry to report that this patent is nearly
run out, and that if people with cavernous
ana darksome rooms would take advantage
Oh 1t they must do SO without further delay.