davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
--a s--------------
WELL. WHY is 1T?
Petri1ed Chestnuts shaken Down by an
Enthusiastic ArchaeoIogist.

Fortified Chestnuts shaken Down by an
Enthusiastic ArchaeOlogist.
Why is a cats tail like the earth? 1t
is fur to the end.
What kin is the door-mat 70 the door?
A step farther.
What is a waist of time? The mid
die of an hour glass.
Why is a doctor never seasick? He
is used to see sickness.
Why does an old maid wear mittensa
To keep off the chaps.
Why is a doctor in potential moods
It's would, or should be.
What is the board of education? The
schoolmaster's shingle.
What sticketh closer than a brotherP
A postage stamp, by gum.
Why is tin can tied to dogs tail
like death? Its bound to occur.
Why does a sailor know there's a
man in the moone He has been to
sea.
Why is the north pole like an illicit
whisky mandatory? 1t is a secret
still.
What is it that will give cold, cure
a cold and pay the doctors bill. A
draught
What does q man take when he has
a mean wife? He takes an elixir
(he ticks herr.
Why is it easy to get in an old mans
house? Because his gait is broken
and his locks are few.
Why is man who makes pens very
wicked? He makes people steel pens
and says they do write.
Why is city official like a church
bell? One steals from the people and
the other peals from the steeple.
Why is it dangerous to go out in
spring? Because the trees shoot, the
flowers have pistils and the bullrush is
out.
What is the difference between a
dogs tail and rich man? One keeps
a wagging and the other keeps car
riage.
What is the difference between an
engineer and school teacher? One
trains the mind and the other minds
the train.
What is the difference between a
soldier and a pretty woman? One
faces the powder and the other pow
ders the face.
Why is a sheet of writing paper like
lazy dog? A sheet of writing paper
is an inclined plain, and an incline
plane is a slope up
What is the difference between an
apple and pretty girl? One you
squeeze to get cider and the other you
get side her to squeeze. = Pittsburgh
Dispatch.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
How Old Maine Went.

just for the encouragement of the
Democratic brethren, who still con-
tinue to discuss tho political situation
down in Maine, the Tribune desires
once more to call the attention of the
world to the central facts of the situ-
alton.
l. Every Congressional district in
the State was carried by an average
plurality of about 5000.
2. Every county in the State elected,
for the first time in years, a Republic.
an to the State Senate.
3. Every county in the State also
gave a plurality for the State ticket
4. The plurality in the entire State
was about $4,000.
5. The majority over all was some,
thing less than $4,000; when the Re.
publican managers gave it out cold a
few days-before the election that they
confidently expected 10000.
6. The total Prohibition vote in
Maine-the mother of the Prohibition
movement-was 1000.
Now, it is not worth while for our
Democratic friends to get out oil
temper and sulk. The truth is that
four years of Democratic experiment
has furnished sufficient amusement for
American people, and they have de-
termined to quit, and return to the
virtuous in government Minneapolis
Tribune.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
PITH AND POINT.

"A babe In the house is well spring
of pleasure; but twins-twins are a
deluge.
The man who wants good show
in this world must pay for a reserved
seat.-Judge.
He that has no friend and no enc
my is one of the vulgar, and without
talents. power or energy--Lacater.
-Self-confidence is the first requisite
for success in life. but a good many
men fail because they think it is the
only one.-JourNdl of Education.
Few things are impracticable in
themselves; and it is for want Of APP
plication, rather than of means, that
men fail of success.
1T is good to lay by something for
the proverbial rainy day, but not TO
pinch for that purpose until present
necessities unsatisfed give real dis
tress.
The remarks of the stump orator
who wants to please labor, capital,
and every body, are like the stovepipe
when il falls-very much disiOinted. -
Boston Budget.
One of the most unhappy men in
the world is he who, instead OF
measuring his strength against his
work, is always measuring it against
the strength of other men, Christian
Union.
Somehow or other, it troubles a
man when he tells his wife that he is
thinking of going to Europe next sum-
mer to have her look at him rather
skept;c,Iy and advise him to begin
right away to learn to swim. Somer-
rifle journal.
Woman Ito T. .mp)-''Have you
got any friends or relatives?" Tramp
IL have a brother BILL Woman
ais Bill a tramp, too?" Tramp-"No;
Bill didn't turn out very well. He
tried most every thing and finally
drifted into the milk business. -
Time.
-Badgered. snubbed. and scolded
on the one hand; petted, fiattered, and
INDUCED on the other-it is astonish-
ing how many children work their
way up to an honest manhood in spite
Of parents and friends. Human nat
ure has an element of great toughness
in it. Beecher.
1t is not good to cover our eyes
from our mistakes and losses, or even
our sins; the better way is to look at
their worst, and with them all full in
view. and then determine to avoid
them in the future. Half cur wisdom
is gained through experiences that are
unspeakably dreary
BE cheerful; do not brood over
fond hopes unrealized until chain.
link after link, is fastened on each
thought and wound around the heart.
Nature intended you to be the fountain
spring of cheerfulness and social life.
and not the travelling monument OF
despair and melancholy. - arthur
Helps.
There is scarce any lot SO low but
there is something in it to satisfy the
man whom it has befallen; Providence
having SO ordered things that in every
mans cup, how bitter soever, there are
some cordial drops-some good cir
cumstances, which. if wisely extract
ed, are sufficient for the purpose he
wants them-that is, to make him con-
tented, and, If not happy, at least re-
signed. Sterne.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
With money, this fine old mugwl.np

with money, this fine old mugwrmp
Salem gentleman of immaculate linen,
austere Puritan virtue and exalted
mugwump morality, has gone down
deeper into partisan filth and come up
nastier than any of his associates.
This circular stamps him as guilty Of a
political trick no predecessor of his
has ever attempted before. As a con-
cession to the spirit of reform he has
officially ordered that none but Demo-
Gratis shall be employed in the arsenals
and armories of the United States!
He has turned the hitherto non-politi-
cal National workshops into vote
factories for Cleveland He has re-
moved every obstacle and opened their
doors vide to the spoilsmen and given
them carte blanche to GUST old exper-
fenced workmen. He has literally
made the army political machine
and opened the way to its demoraliza-
tion. In his eagerness to help the Ad-
ministration he has not even spared
women and childrenl Even the hide
bound Democratic New York World is
compelled TO declare its establishment
in these words:
This is impartial but il is not reform. II
may be magnaniLAous, but II is not mugwump-
ian. The meu, women and children employed
in the armories have nothing 70 do with pol
itics, and politics should have nothing TO do
with them. Secretary Endieott can henceforth
be regarded only as a broken idol by the Brah.
min caste OF polite ans IN Massachusetts"
The mugwump Secretary of War did
not soil his fingers with Doodle contri-
buttons to Brice's campaign fund, but
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
suHoPE's PAuPER LABOR.
How the Work and Wages of Free Trade
Struck a Methodist Minister.


Struck a Methodist Minister.
/ have just retured from Europe,
having visited England, Belgium and
Germany. leu years ago | visited
quite leisurely England, Scotland and
France. | was then deeply and sadly
impressed with the hardships and
poverty of the laboring classes in the
Old World. In my recent visit gave
special attention to the conditions of
the labOring class. / made inquiries
personally from many sources as to
wages in all departments of manual
labor. took pains TO know for my
self the condition of the laboring
classes as to their habitations. their
clothing, their food and their education,
and the results of these careful OBJ
servations is feeling of sadness for
the Iaboring classes of Europe which |
never had before, and which no one
Fan have unless from personal obser-
gations for himself
At the docks at Glasgow, Scotland. |
saw women with wheelbarrOws heavi-
~ laden in line with coarse and hard
looking men. wheeling freight to and
from the steamboats,. In the fields do
ing all kinds OF field work, including
the heavy work Of getting hay and
grain. | saw as many women as men
hard at work, and working as late as
eight o'clock in the evening. | saw
this in England all the way from Liv-
erpool to London. / saw il in Belgium
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
LITERARY EXTRACTS.

A SHEET Of yellow paper placed on the
wall over the desk is said to afford res to
the eyes Of writer's.
THERE is said to be popular dime novel
Isl who has killed one million Indians-in
bis stories.
TWENTY-FIVE years ago only fifteen wom-
en- were employed in the whole country as
editors. Now two hundred find employ
ment in New York alone.
THE first volume of Peter the Greats cor
respondence, edited by Count Tolstoi, con-
talns 1000 pages and 402 letters and docu-
ments referring to the period between 10
and 170l
UPWARD Of twenty thousand letters OF
Peter the Great have boon gathered from
all parts of Europe, and are to be published
in ten large volumes. They are TO be edited
by Count Tolstoi
Mr.. GLADSTONE received an honOrarium
of 100 guineas for the manuscript Of his last
essay from an American magazine. Tho
sage Of Hawarden has got higher pay from
American authors than any other writer.
NJ GREyY, late President OF France is
busily engaged in writing his memoirs, COW
ering the leading events in French history
from 1915 to 1886. Il is said that publisher
is already negotiating for their simultane-
Gus publication in London and New York.
The largest publication in the United
States is the monthly volume, big as an I'M
abridged dictionary, in which the patents
for each month are described Every large
library in the country receives these vol
umss, and it is by searching them, aided by
an index, that one learns what has been
done in this country in any given line of in
vention,
A WEALTHY young man of Chicago aspir-
ing to authorship short time since sent
manuscript TO an Eastern magazine with a
800 check attached for the purpose Of in
surfing its publication. The same was re-
turned with the following note; Dear sir;
We regret exceedingly being compelled to
return the inclosed MSS. but we arc prompt
ed to this action by the fear that your
check is as worthless as your story. Very
respectfully -"
So LITTLE is known of the personal or
private history of Moliere that any detail
now discovered att racts attention in French
literary society. There has recently been
found at Fontaincbleau a contract of sale
signed by Molieres father, Jean Poquellin
the name so spelled. 1t is dated May %,
1881 when Moliere was a little over nine
years of age), and it has 10 do with tho
supply Of furniture for the royal troops.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
NOTHING BUT NONSENSE.


WILLIAM" said an Ohio mother. "stop
throwing stones! You might hit .Presi-
Dental candidate"
He" What kind Of goods is that dress
made of, Laurari She" Camel's hair. /"
He" OF course; now that you turn around
see the hump
"HERE, waiter! what kind Of pie do You
call thisl'' Apple pie, sir'' "But there
is nothing in it." BEG pardon, sir, but we
use evaporated apples in oil our pies"
"WHAT was Nero's greatest act Of cruel
tyln asked the teacher of the class in his
tory. "Playin' the fiddle,m was the prompt
response, and the teacher let it go at that.
WHERE is the island Of Cuba situatedln
asked school teacher of small, rather
forlorn-looking boy. Il dunno, sir" "Don't
you know where your sugar comes 'front.'
. Yes, sir, we borrows it from our next door
nelghb0r."
LEND me your ear minute remarked
Mrs. Brown to her husband the other even
ing. Twill you give It back 10 metz he in
quired with mock anxiety. "0f course
will, you IDIOT Do you suppose want 10
start tanneryl'' She got the car.
A LITTLE girl who does not understand
encores, found fault with the audience at a
recent children's concert, IN which she
helped to sing chorus. 4" / knotr we didn't
make ono mistake" she exclaimed on the
way home; and yet they made US come out
and sing it all over AGAIN.
Mrs. VIZ have letter from your
Uncle James, Penelope, who wants US &c
spend the summer on his farm" Penelope,
dubiously-"I Is there any society in the
neighbot.oodP Mrs. w" I've heard him
speak of the Holsteins and Gueruseys.
presume they are pleasant people,
Miss CAMBoGE," says Blxem to that IN
teresting but rapidly advancing lady OF
for1y-four, Z" declare you are looking quite
charmng-a regular twenty-One bloom and
spirit. You can't be day over that figure,
if I'm a judge Miss Camboge lets of q
shower of smiles and says: Now, Mr..
Blixem, you do say such insinuating things
and then Won gncss ages so CLOSELY"
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
a FEW FRESH FIGURES.

THREE hundred thousand people keep
bees in America, and the annual product is
l00,0OO,000 pounds of honey.
ONe hundred aud six million feet of
lumber, valued at 81, 100000, has been
shipped from Fernandina, Fla, in the cur
rent year. If strung out end to end it would
make 1000 miles-or make plank walk as
tar as Denver, Col Over 1900 cars were
required for the transportation Of it.
IT IS estimated that the amount of watered
Or fictitious railroad stock in the United
States is s., 800, 600, 900, and the actual cash
stock at 81, 700 100000, making the total
railroad stock $4,000, 10000. This $780,
10000 draws interest at the rate of from o
10 10 per cent, from tho people in the
charges made for freights and fares and
every cent is stolen.
The total area under cultivation in corn,
wheat, rye and oats Ia the United States
his year is about lac, 1905, 600 acres or near "
n9,0O square miles. This,is less than half
the 30, $4,000 acres Of public lands which
nave not vet been surveyed, much of which
S well adapted to the cultivation Of the
cereals. The crop possibilities Of this coun-
Try are far from having reached their
maximum.
SINCE the war Of the rebellion the United
States has paid nearly Sl,ooO,000,OOO for
pensions. According TO Commissioner
Blacks report, there arc now on the
pension rolls nearly $4,000 names
ourin,; the past year over $1,000 new names
we're added TO the list, and during the year
he amount paid for pensions lacked a
title of being 100000. The Pension
Bureau is by far the most important dis
~. sing agency in the country.
TEE annual consumption of feathers IN
his country for bedding purposes is said
o amount TO 100000 pounds, or 375
carloads To furnish this 3,0O0,000
healthy geese must give up their feathers
n a year. The geese furnishing these ars
o be found mainly in Southern llliaols,
Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee and Ken
lucky. The climate is cold enough TO cause
he feathers TO be fine and soft, and not too
old TO make their care q matter OF IN
profitable labor to the farmers
The American Statistical Association
Yublishes some interesting figures on tie
mount Of water-power employed in the
United States. In 1880 there was total
Eater-power equal to !, "a, 379 horsepower
Used for manufacturing purposes, this be-
ug 359 per cent Of the total power thus
employed in the States. The annual value
4 the water-power thus utilized Is set
Town at s24,OO0,0o0 The New England
States alone used 345per cent Of the whole
Sater-power Of the country, and altogether
he Atlantic States use over three-lourths
Z the whole
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
AN OUTRAGEOUS ORDER.
The War Department Turned Over to the
spoils System.

Not content with prostituting the
State. the Interior. the Postal, the
Navy and the Attorney-Generars de-
partmeuts to the service of partizan
and ''pernicious activity" the Admin
istration has now turned over the War
Department to the spOils system by the
issue of the following circular:
ORDNANCE OFFICE, WAR DEPARTMENT
WASHINGTON, d. c, sept "a. iSsS-To the
Commanding Ofcsrs Of Ia National 4rHa0riss
al Springfield and Rock T'!dnd and Of ne United
States Arssuafs az NsIr York. West Troy, Paid
delphia Boston and BsaiciG: While arsenals
and the armories are not intended TO be con
verted into POLITICAL machines, two political
parties in this country are recOgnizc II .
therefore ordered hereafter in employing or dis
charging employees OF any and all grades, other
things be ng equal and qualifications satlsfac-
tory. Democrats Will be favored the object
being 20 divide the force in the fereut afes
gradually between Democrats and Republic
ans The rule will apply TO women and chi
dren as well as men, and Will be strictly en-
forced a. V. BENET. Chief OF Ordnance.
The Secretary of War is a Civil
Service reform mugwump. He was
appointed to his position in recogni-
ton OF his kind and as a concession to
Civil-Service reform. He has been
and is still their special representa-
tive. He is the only out-and-out mug
wump in the Cabinet. and George
William Curtis himself has not been
more devotedly worshiped by them
than Secretary Endieott- Holding such
a position. 1t would not have been con-
sistent for him to join the President
and the other members of the Cabinet
in making . money contribution TO the
Democratic campaign fund-an excep-
tion which was not without its COM
pensations TO his near and thrifty New
England soul. The circular printed
above. however. shows that he has got
in his work all the same Though not
belonging to the '.horde OF Office
holders who with zeal born of bene-
fits received and fostered by hope of
fsyors yet to come stand ready to aid
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11
SPHACTALIS MINOR.
A Jamaica Insect which Kills on the
Cotton Planters Plague.

A Jamaica Insect which Kills on the
Cotton Planters Plague.
The greatest bane to the cotton
planter is the COCO grass. Where it
once gets a fOOthold, from the time
the cotton is planted until it is harvest
ed. it is one steady fight against this
active enemy; and if a rainy spell
should happen TO come up, and the
plantation work be seriously inter
ferred with, the coco will gain such
Roadway that it can not be stopped
and will smother and kill the young
cotton. +. L. Maxwell. of Killarney
plantation. Merdron Point, in this
State. thinks he has solved the coco
problem A West Indian planter told
him of bug in Jamaica which showed
a great prediction for the coco. Mr..
Maxwell obtained from Jamaica sew
eral hundred eggs of the bug which is
known scientifically as the sphdctalis
rHlgdriS minor.
Only twenty of the eggs Matched. He
began operations with these. He plant
ed the eggs in a box. raised several
crops of them, and. when he thought
he had enough. began planting them
in the worst COCO patch on his planta-
ton, scattering them three feet apart
just as though he was planting seed.
After some weeks some of the COCO be-
gan to wilt An examination showed
that the worm had burrowed down two
or three feet in the ground to the nut
from which the coco springs. eaten it.
and thus killed the plant. Since the
first crop was Matched out about the
beginning OF May. five crops of worms
have been Matched, have laid their
eggs and died. and each crop has been
many fold larger than its predecessor,
until the twenty SphactaleS have grown
TO many billions.
In one place they have destroyed ten
acres of the COCO. cutting it level with
the ground, burrowing to the roots and
annihilating it. but not injuring the
cotton in the least. Ii is MT yet known
whether il will attack O.her plants
than COCO. In Jamaica it is said not
to injure other grasses OF any kind.
Mr. Maxwell is already shipping the
worms TO planters in other portions Of
the South " ~ fTor Y y Stfa
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1888-10-11

and Germany even to a greater extent
than in England In the cities OF Ant
werp and Brussels, in Belgium, and in
Cologne, Germany. saw women DO
ing the work of horses. They were
hitched to carts which were heavily
laden. ! noticed especially in the city
of Cologne, Germany. much of the
hardships of the laboring classes. i
stood on the bridge of boats crossing
the Rhine and saw many pitiable spec
tacles. To one cart with nearly a two
horse load of truck for the Cologne
markets were hitched by ropes across
the breast and around the waist, a
young man and a young woman
brother and sister, evidently, for there
was a strong family resemblance-and
the load was so heavy that the two
were compelled to stop every twenty
yards, and then it was hard TO start
the load. noticed the young girl es-
pecially She would pull till every
joint and muscle in her body fairly
trembled before the load would start.
In the market-place of the city of Co
lOgne there was no shelter at all.
Women did all the work there. There
were hundreds Of them in these mar
ket-places. The morning | was there
it was raining hard, and these poor
creatures were literally drenched with
rain.
For all this hard toll and these long
hours each day the wages paid were
scarcely half Of what is paid to our la
boring classes. This is true of all
kinds of la Dor in Europe. 1t is some
times said that while wages in Europe
are low the living is very cheap. They
do live cheaper than we do. The poor
creatures can't do otherwise. They
live in the plainest manner. You
rarely find bit OF carpet on the floor
of even what they call their spare
room. Their tables contain very few
dishes of food. Meat and butter are
Injuries rarely enjoyed by the work
ing-man in Europe.
turned my back upon Europe with
feelings of sadness for the toiling
millions of those lands and my face
towards this, my dear old country,
feeling that our land is the earthly
paradise of the laboring man. | do
not wonder that every ship from these
lands is heavily weighted with strange
passengers for these hospitable shores.
/ also felt more than ever before that
Il is a sacred duty of every American
citizen by voice and vote to perpetuate
to the laboring man in this land the
pre-eminent position which he in this
country of all other countries in the
world enjoys. 1t will indeed be sad
day for the laboring man when, by
the vote of the American people, the
blessings of American protection to la
Dor shall give place to the pauperizing
competition of free trade. - Thomas
Hdnlon, in Trenton (M - state Ga
zette.