Connecticut western news., 1888-07-18
HUMOROUS

All knotted up-Tho steamers spoc'.
 Tho child of the sea-The harbor buoy. .... ..... .-..
 A bowling swell - Tn, sea in a storm.
 A carpenter isn't needed to frame an excuse.
 Why was a certain race horse appro- priately named "Bad Eyga"-He could not be beaten.
 Sailor: '.Did you ever sec vessels in fight7' Landsman: ''No, but I've seen ship spar."
 The hungry, shipwrecked sailor, clinging to the raft in mid ocean, always longs for chop seas.
 Purchaser-Can> the .rsrrcS speak Spanish and Eaglish7 Fancier-Cer- tainly; it's polyglot.
 A mustard plaster does not seem smart at first, but it makes its imprcs. sion by hard, steady application.
 You can nevcr convince the fellows that arc locked up that stone walls do not prison mako nor iron bars Q cage.
 Tho next report of the agricultural department should give us some statis- tics as to tho number of rakes in society.
 Omaha Councilman traveling in Europe)-''Whats them bluffsl" Na- tivc-"Those, sir, are the Alps" ':Humphl They need grading badly"
 Nothing can equal the postage stamp for evenncss of temper and calm. You can lick it until it pcrspires in every pore, but it won't even change color.
 American genius should utilize tho grasshoppers. There is no doubt they could be dried, pulvorized and made into soup cakes for use of the army and navy.
 It is an interesting psychological fact that when man slips down by stepping on banana peel, he always looks as though he would like to stop on the poal of laughter that follows.
 Clarissa writes to ask eff there is anything to prevent woman from be- coming president of the United States" There is, Clarissa there is; and tho thing is commonly called votes.
 Young MT. Guy, always interested in the study of owls, tried to go below, but found the companion door of the ocean steamer locked. My goodness." he exclaimed, 'Tm decked out tonight, for sure."
 Smith Qistening from the offioo win- dow to couple of italian counts grind ing hand organs)-''Wonder if those fellows are playing in opposition to each other" Jopes-"No, they seem to be taking turns"
 Every time: Ada-"Are you study ing French and Germana' Alice-s'Yes, German with old Prof. Schwachougen and French with young Prof. Gaston Cheri." Ada-''Which language do you prefer9' Alice-'Frenc ch."
 Funny Mans Little Boy: Papa, what does tho senate do with treatiesa Fun ny Man: My son, it codifies fisheries treaties and ratifies Chinese treaties. There, now, run away and laugh, and let the gray matter in papa's brain have chance to reouperate.
 .'There are fish in the sea-" said the maiden
 fair,
 "As good as ever were caught, SO therei" And she tilted her beau and away went he. And she found, although there were fish in
 the sea
 As good as ever were brought to land, They wouldn't come out at her command, And the beautiful maid grew pale and sad. And wished she had kept the one she had.
 Five cents faro for that child, madame" said street car conductor as he opened the door and put his head into the car. "Vcry wcll," sho replied, feeling in her pocket; 'this is au or phan child, and I am its guardian. I must have receipt for all moneys paid out, and as soon as you write ono Iii drop nickel ia the box" He shut the door aud loauol over tho brako like man in deep thought .ss ss xzsss .ss,.