New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1888-08-02
SOME RESEARCHES IN RoMAN HISTORY

SOME RESEARCHES IN ROMAN HISTORY
What has become Of the Old Roman? A few
short weeks ago it was all Old Roman-noble,
grand old Roman-grcat, awc-nspiring old pa
trcian with the fog-horn nose. Now he has
dropped out of sight. We hope he hasn't fallen
on his sword, or led an expedition across the
mountains against the Gauls, or sneczed his head
off, anything.
Grand Old Roman, to be surel Noble old
patrican, certainly! We never said he wasn't.
What a figure the old gentleman must have cut
in his younger days during those stirring times
when julius Caesar Pompcy Mark Antony,
Lepidus Cicero, Vertas, Taxpayer, One~Who-
Knows and Old Subscriber were his daily asso-
GATES All dead except the old Roman, Verltas,
Taxpayer One-Who-Knows and Old Subscriber.
What grand times these survivors must have w1eh
they get together and talk over the old days ana
recall anecdotes of Agrppa, 1ibcrius, Gracchus,
Scipio Horatius and Romulus and Kcmus How
it must warm them up to recall speech the old
Roman made in the Senate one day advocating
taking the duty off toga cloth because he under
stood that the Egyptian factory owners in his line
were having a hard time of it and couidnt pay
their workingmen living wages.
| "GentIemen of the Senate" he exclaimed on this
OCCASION togas are high haven't had new oga
for year and half and I'll be dogged II can aioT
| one at tho present prices You sec that this one Is
patched and all worn out around the bottom ana , +
| time had n II We tako oil that duty theS il
come down fully one scstertus and then you'll SEQ your
| old uncle with new gngham tOga 1hey say II
Factories but fellow patrcians We ant laboring In
any toga factories The worhnSmcn DC bowed n I
want Is good Egyptian togas cheap, ana Oh 'f ~
Texas =,
What really grand spectacle the worthy old
gentleman must have presented in the Roman
Senate Chamber anyhow When, with an i'm
nervous sweep of his right arm, he threw his toga
around him, and, with his head back, calmly
stroled his chin whiskers and in dignihed tones
moved that we do now adjourn, it must have
driven the galleries wild Most OF tho othcr
members didn't 90 in much on chin whisllers but
he said he had worn them when the Iarpelan
Rock was hole in the ground and he wasn't
going back on them at that late day. They were
something of a hindrance to him on the day that
Caesar was done up, however The old gentleman
was getting to the front to assist his friend when
plebeian who drove the blue sprinkler wagon
on the Appian Way got him by his chin whiskers
| and SWING him around till his heels cracked to-
gcther so that it sounded like boy drawing
stick along on q picket fence. 1t was some time
after this that he emigrated to this country
lie is getting pretty we'll along in years now
He is said to keep up good many OF his ola
customs He still carries sword and OCCASION
ally makes 1t lively for a hackman or somebody
with it, 1t is also told apparently good au-
thority that ne still keeps up the high Roman
fashion of carrying n red bandanna pocket hand
kerchief His favOrite is a large cotton one, with
the picture Of q crocodile woven in the centre
which Cleopatra gave to Antony. young lady
recently visiting him remarked that she supposed
this would be very exciting canvass. "Oh,
suppose" he replied, still it won't seem so to
me. / never feel excited over any
little thing like politics any more. Inc
last time / really felt any excitement was when
Hannibal invaded our country with his Cartha-
ginian army. tell you those were stirring times
didn't 90 out to fight him, but did good deal
of quiet talking around among my neighbors about
him. was agin Hannibal every time, Miss. l
tell YOU what counts in war is quiet talk at home.
This thing of taking n long sharp sword or a mus
xct and going out and getting yourself all heated
up and excited is all right, suppose but if there
wasn't no quiet talk at home there wouldn't be
many victories That's the platform we're run
ming on now, by the way" Antquarans claim
that the old gentleman issued book about 14O
b. C. entitled The Men Who Saved the Union
or Carrying the War into Ohio and Buffalo,
However we don't suppose many of our readers
are interested in these ancient matters Antiquity
has its charms, but the average man is more in
terescd in modern institutions. Still, on the other
hand again. some relics q past ages have their
value for to-day. Egyptian mummies, put up
about the time of the flood, used as fuel for
locomotives, and the Old Roman fills out the
Democratic ticket for the campaign.
Tut, tut said plump Jack Falstaff, good
enough TO toss food for powder, food for powder
they II fill pit as well as BETTER
There is no use in burning good valuable coal so
long as mummies hold out, reason for putting
up modern man for defeat so long as the party
has an ancient who will do just exactly as well
Still, once more, there is Il fascination about an
cent history. But the place for it is hardly in
progressive newspaper like The TRIBUNE and we
don't intend to say much about ii so long as there
are such live topics as the Aquoduct investigation
and the bobtail car. The student, of course, has
that standard work, The Decline and Fall of the
Old Roman" to which to refer