The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1888-12-13
The wisest GIFT.

81 bought my wife velvet SACK"
Thus proudly boosted Mr.. Brown.
She'll b., with that upon her back,
The best-dressed dame in town."
But velvet sack or diamond ring
Can bring no balm to suffering wife.
Fayorite Prescription is the thing
To save her precious life.
The great and sovereign remedy, known the
world over, for all female troubles, Inflammation,
cruel backaches, and internal displacements is
Dr. Pierce's Fayorite Prescription. 1t Is the only
guaranteed cure. See guarantee on every bottle
wrapper.
Dr. Pierce's Pellets-gently laxative or actively
cathartic according to dose. 20 cents.
81 want the best suite of rooms on your first
hoor," said the gentleman. registering his name.
THAT Will cost you $50 day, SIR" replied the
hotel clerk
81 didn't ask you what it cost, sir; don't care
Guess without baggage are required to pay in
advance"
LOOK at that card, sr,' Numbered the guest
throwing upon the clerks desk card inscribed
B. JONES, Halter.
"Beg pardon, Mr.. JONES'" said the clerk hum
bly,, as he looked at it. "Boy, show the gentle
Ii was the day after election,
- UdU WIG SnouIO always nc inc
same, especially to her husband, but II she is
weak and nervous, and uses Carter's Iron Pills,
she cannot be, for they make her "feel like a
dhereDt person." so they all say, and their hus-
bands say so too!
Following instructions too literally.
A twelve-year Old 10y in Chicago recently Sc
cured a position with the Western Union Tele-
graph Company as a messenger. He was as
afa
sually bright, Is learning very fast. One Of the
nrst things he learned was of the Importance of
death" messages and the promptness with
which they were always to be handled.
One morning message was handed him for
delivery, and on the lower lett hand corner he
read the initials 3D. H."
"What does ID. H. mean? he INQUIRED OF one of
the older messengers.
"That means dead head" replied the older mes
Senger. On went the boy on dead rum and he
kept Il up for nearly two miles to deliver promptly
what he construed to be "death" messaAe.
When Baby sick we gave her Castoria,
When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria,
When she became Miss, she chung to castoria,
When she had Children. she gave them castoria,
The ability of little folks to arrive at logical
conclusions was well Illustrated in a primary
school recently. A teacher in one of the lower
fractional terms upon the minds of her little pu-
pills. Her statements were clear and so easily
comprehended that even their MANTLE intellects
seemed to grasp all that was given them. One
little fellow however, was little slow, and the
teacher repeated her explanation for perhaps the
fifteenth time. Holding up four pennies by way
''Now, Charlie, If / have four cents and give
you half, suitlng the action TO the word, "how
"The other halt" replied the child, with an air
OF the deepest conviction.
Cheapest and best-Dr. Bulbs Cough Syrup.
% cents.
'Some feelings are 10 nortals given with much
of earth and none of heaven" as for example,
headache, neuralgia and the like. One bottle OF
Salvation Oil sends them hence. Oh! let us be
joyful.
1t is related that when the venerable Jacob
Levy lay upon his deathbed he was approached
by friend who sought 10 cheer him by holding
out vain announcements and promises.
Jacob" said the friend, chow foolish of you 10
talk of diving! Why, never saw you looking so
well before. Brace up-you'n live to be 100
years old
siyely, "you make MISTAKES ven you tings
live so long. Der Lord isn't going der dake me at
100 ven he can get me at 49,"
have been sufferer from catarrh for the
edies advertised as "sure cures" without obtain
ing any relief, had resolved never to take any
other patent medicines, when friend advised me
to try Ely's Cream Balm. l did so with great
reluctance but can now testify with pleasure that
after using it for six weeks / believe myself
cured. 1t is most agreeable remedy-an inyalu-
able Balm.-Joseph Stewart, e24 Graud Ave-,
Brooklyn.
Shoe department.
Mr.. Smith (making purchase for his wife, who
has instructed him to get her 31a)-Let me see
pair of ladies' 1ves wide.
Clerk (who knows the smith, -Why, Mr.. Smith,
your wife always orders 313.
Mr. Smlth-Noung man, / am not going to sufer
torture every morning watching that woman try
ing TO get bushel of feet into peck OF shoes.
am going to take her pair That VIII III ner.
Precocity.