Woodville Republican. (Woodville, Miss.) 185?-current, 1888-12-08


An American professor attempting to
explain to little girl the manner In
which the lobster casts his shell when
he has outgrownlt It, remarked: "What do
you do when you get too big FOR soHf
clothesP You throw them aside, don't
youP" "Oh, no; we let out the tuclsl''
A confirmed bachelor happening to
see a lady looking at a picture repre-
senting a man on his knees before q
beautiful woman, Indignantly ex-
elaimed; Before would bend my
knee TO a woman, l would go and hang
myself Do you not think it would be-
the best thing to do. madamP'p "It
would certainly be the best for the wo-
man. was the sarcastic reply.
DR.. Abernethy was once called Id to
attend man who had had a somewhat
stormy alteration with his better-half,
and found the poor man with his face
all bleeding and marked with the points
Of her tinger-nails. The worthy Doc
tor could not help demonstrating with
the woman upon her conduct
MADAM, " he said, ''are you not asham-
ed Of yourself, treating your husband
like this, your husband, who is the
head OF the house-the head OF all--in
fact, your head, MADAME" well, Doc
tor" ficrceIy returned the virago, "and
am / not at liberty to scratch my own
head?"
Having purchased some butter from
an Irishwoman, themerchant on weigh
ing the humps found them all light
weight, and challenged her with try
ing to cheat him. 'Shure, it's yer own
fault, ifthey are light" said Biddy; ''its
your own fault, sir; for wasn't it a
pound O. soap l bought here that Ihad in
the other end O. the scales when Iweigh-
ed 'emr'
you'll grow up very ugly, Daisy, il
you make faces" "Will l, auntieP Did
you make faces when you were little
grip"
AT an examination at the College Of
Surgeons, candidate was asked:
"What would you do If man was
blown up with gunpowderP" "Wait
till he came down, was the somewhat
cool reply. Every good" continued
the Professor. ''And suppose was to
kick you for such an impertinent an
swer, what muscles would / put in mo-
tionP" ''The hexors and extensors Of
my arm; for l would at once knock you
down."
A clergyman reprimanding one Of
his church members for quarreling
SO frequently and loudly with his wife
as to be source of continual annoy
ance to the neighbors, remarked that
the Scriptures declared that man and
wife were one. "Ay, that may be,
answered the delinquent; "but II you
were to pass when we were at it, you'd
think there were score of us"
An auctioneer in Edinburgh Of the
name Of Martin was one day selling
some books, and not being much of a
scholar, he made some awkward at
tempts to unravel the titles Of some
foreign works amongst the number.
At last a French work was put up, and
a young swell, thinking to have laugh
at the auctioneer's expense, asked him
to read the title again, as he did not
quite understand it. "Ohr' said Mar
tin, "it's something about manners, and
that's what neither you nor me has
over mucBle o."
Fenelon, who often bothered Rich
elieu for subscriptions to charitable pur-
poses without any success, was one day
telling him that he had just seen a
capital portrait of him. "And sup
pose you would ask it for a subscrip-
tionP" said Richelieu with q sneer. "Oh
no; saw there was no chance-it was
too like you"
Doctor passing stone-cutter's yard;
"Good morning, Mr.. Jones' Hard at
work see. 1 suppose you finish your
gravestones as far as In Memory Of,
and then wait for some one to die,
ehP" "Why, yes; unless somebody 3
sick and you're doctoring 'em; then /
keep right on"
''You don't love me now, Tom, as
you used to- said a shrewish wife to
her detected husband; "when we werO
married first, you often declared you
were so fond OF me you could eat me
up" Eyes, my DEAR" was the melan-
choly rejoinder; "and I've been sorry
ever since 1 didn't do it.
A pompous but bald-headed merchant
who had amassed considerable for
tune was continually informing people
Of the fact that he was a ''self-made
man." II say with pride, Mr.. Blank, "
he began to stranger one day, II am
a self-made man. Nobody helped me.
l made myself "Well, WE'LL" in
terrupted the listener, ''when you were
about it, why the dickens did you not
put little more hair on the top OF your
headP"
AS and my wife, at the window one day,
Stood watching man with monkey,
cart came along with a "broth of q boy"
Who was driving stout little donkey.
To my wife then spoke by way of jokes
There's a relation OF yours in that carriage. =
To which she replied, as the donkey she spied;
"Ah, yes, a relation-by marriage"
- Chambers Journal
/
The elopement Of North Bergen,
N. j., woman with an employe Of her
husbands had can extraordinary out
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