The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-03-10
Written for The ArkonsGw Tr0veIer. MAJOR GUZZLEFUNGUS
 ANTICIPATES.
BY RUMBLE B.

Major Guzzlefungus, having fallen into arrears for hash and house. rent, determined, after several unmistaka- ble hints from the landlady that such 8 proceeding on his part would meet with her unqualified approbation, to change his quarters.
 So, liquidating his indebtedness af- ter the manner of the illustrious WH- ktas Micaaober, with an I. o. U. which the recipient contemplated for a moment with rather a lugubrious air, and then, with little sigh, care- lessly dropped into a receptacle for odds and ends of little or no value, the major started out to hunt for means of conveyance for his baggage, which was slowed away in a grotesque-lo look ing affair which the owner dignified with the name of trunk.
 After considerable hustling around he succeeded in borrowing a yoke of oxen and an d-fashioned tumbler cart in an advanced stage of dilapida- tion. Depositing his trunk therein, he next hunted up piece of plank of suitable dimensions and placed it across the bed of the cart for seat. Then, armed with bludgeon some six feet in length and of bone- crack ing proportions, he shook the dust from his No. 10 bug -smashers, climbed into the vehicle, dropped his precious and somewhat ponderous corporosity on the extemporized seat, and then, letting on steam by the simple pro- cess of bringing the blossom end of his bludgeon down alternately on either, or, accompanied by the words of com mand, "Git up, Buck; go long, Bright" uttered in 8 tone of voice that could have been heard mile, the emigrating major struck out for Lick skillet.
 The day was hot and the road was dusty. The oxen lolled their tongues out till they nearly touched the ground. The precipitation oozed from every pore of the majors cuticular en- velope. The dust settling thereon, converted itself into thin coating of mortar, SO that it was not long before his frontispiece presented an appear ance of mud image in an unfinished state.
 This unique circus hadn't proceeded far before it began to develop an addi- tional attraction. The absence of grease on the axles of the cart began to make itself known, and then there was music in the air that would have drowned the combined efforts of 8 thousand coyotes.
 About midway between Post Oak and Lickskillet was ravine which every hard rain converted into a roar ing brook, but which on the present occasion was nothing but deep mud hole, with about two inches of water thereon, whose surface was orna- mented with beautiful green scum.
 AS the picturesque group, com- composed of oxen, cart, with it's soul- narrowing music, passenger, trunk and bludgeon, approached the mud hole the oxen began to respond once more to the persuasive eloquence of the drivers bludgeon, to which, for some time, they had been apparently oblivious, it having no more effect in increasing their speed than would the gentle flaming or their hides by mid- summer zephyr.
 From snail-like poke along, they quickened their steps into what might by courtesy at least be called a slow walk. From slow walk their move- ments waxed speedily into fast walk, and almost immediately, with simul- taneous below, they broke into trot.
 By this time coming events casting their shadows before fast-approach- ing catastrophe began to loom before the majors excited vision. But not for long did the vision loom. Brac- ing his feet against the end-gate of the cart, the major yelled "Whoa, Buck whoa, Bright !" with stentorian vigor and terror stricken accents. But he might as we'll have yelled to a cy- clone. Reaching the edge of the mud hole at high rate of speed, the oxen and cart came to a sudden halt.
 Not so the major. Involuntarily rising from the now motionless vehi- cle, with his arms advanced in spread eagle fashion, the majors pom derous body shot forward as though it had been discharged from catapult. Clinging to his bludgeon with the desperation of 8 drowning man to 8 straw, the flying body described an arc of a parabola through the air some three feet above the backs of the late frantic but now quiet team, at the same time executing 8 double somersault before reaching terra t,ma, which was found some two feet be- heath the surface ofa body of slush of about the consistence of nasty pud- ding.
 Emerging with some difficulty from his mud bath some six feet in advance of where his oxen were vainly en- deavoring to quench their thirst, the major, covered as he was with tan