National Republican., 1888-02-12
REFORM IN KILLING.

In the interval between sending ap-
proved English to the heather who read
only hieroglyphics, and refusing aims to
the needy who beg without a gilt-edged
license, some professional philanthropists
are searching their intellectual archives
for new methods of executing criminals.
They long with tireless aspiration for
some device which may fire one into
eternity without warning, either to the
victim or the anxious public. 1t should
be so secret as to put to shame an execu-
tive session of the Senate, defy the dread
ful newspaper reporter, and shoot new
pang to the heart of the anxious sewing
circle. 1t is almost painful to observe
that little progress has as yet been made
in the accomplishment of this benevolent
scheme of translation.
We suspect that the philanthropists
have been put upon false scientific scent,
as it were, by designing persons. They
have pursued the phantom of the guillo-
tine, of the somnolent drug, and of cleo
tricity in Il pleasant variety of forms.
The guillotine has its friends, but it is too
repulsive as a reminder of horizontal re-
forms which preceded by few eras the
Morrison bill. Horizontalty is not pop
ular in reforms, and is particularly repul-
sive when person gets the word "go" I"
for his final heat. OF doubtful character
is opium, because, scientifically and le-
gally approved, it might, through in
fringement, encourage suicide as substi-
tute for the cold Canadian cline with
retiring bank presidents and aldermen in
haste to quit politics. Electricity has its
claims, but it is too sudden in its DISPOSE
ton to suit the temperament of any
nationality except the Frenchman of ro-
nance. Human nature is not iuclned
to see even an obnoxious brother shuttle
off his coil so quickly as to give no sign
of departure. There might also be ail
apprehension that the eccentriciues of
the fluid" would resurrect with equal
haste some fellow whose preternatural
Knowledge could ruflle the peace of So
ciety into which he should be re-
injected. In short, the mystery about
tanned lightning is not conducive to the
public peace of mind, either as a thing of
scientific beauty in the promotion of
death or as an assurance of permanent
location among the great majority.
The difficulty with this proposed reform
is that its promoters dive into science too
deeply and neglect the plain teachings of
nature. They should organize Il commits
sion of common sense, and come to Wash
ington, where at some time during the
season nature in all its forms is sure To
be on exhibition and open to experiment.
Should they desire an instrument of tor
ture as well us of sure though lingering
death with which to experiment upon
capital offenders, they might be given the
choice between the Civil Service Com
mission and Mills star chamber iunto,
Any criminal who could escape mortal
wounds in following closely the tergiver-
sations of these human machines, could
beat the most ingenious appliance of in
vention. If they would inflict a pleasant
death by sleep which comes by stealth
and knows no waking, the junior Senator
from Texas, the late Postmaster-Ge General
Reagan, should be chartered and fired up
for two hours constitutional argument
by steam. His oratorical hourishes and
the mellitiuous cadence of his voice
would far outstrip the march of Nor
pheus, and the sleep that he imparts
seldom lets go. If they prefer instanta-
neous death and cremation combined in |
one operation, they should ask the opin-
ion entertained by the Georgia Senator
Of the patriarchal beard as to the effect
iyeness Of the Ingalls, annihiator. That
Senator witnessed the demise of the
Senator from Alaska in the twinkling of
IN eye, and doubtless would recommend
it as merciful instrument of capital
punishment. The few mugwumps that ]