News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-07-12
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Maid to order--A servant girl.

/
The man with twins is deucedly happy.
A sonny retreat-A boys orphan asy-
lum.
A crown jewel The bump of con-
sistency.
In Boston the horse fiddle is called the
"equine violin"
The topmost crag is u soar spot for the
American eagle.
A middle man appears to be central
figure in trade circles.
When an aeronaut smokes in his bal
loon he takes an aerolite
The Englishman who said that hug
ging was "armless was wrong. 1t is
'armful
The most successful dentist must ex-
pect to run against snag occasionally.
-Northlce5tern.
A two-year old boy can be kept quiet
for minute and a half if you give him
hammer and a mirror.
To write good story for the public
man must have good upper story of his
own. .-Nta0 Orleans Pjcayun'.
Says the weighing machine to the
drop in. n."-Dtr0it Free Press
A Boston girl attended cooking school
and became so infatuated with the cul-
mary art that she married a supe.
Fortunately for the esteem of the rest
of mankind doctors are not half as wise
as they look.-Indjqn lpolis Journal.
Funny, isn't it, that after a man has
once given his word he should try so
hard to keep it's. AlbanS Messenger.
Did it ever occur to you that, although
the bass drum dou't make good music, it
browns heap of bad?-I -IoLeolo Bla{e.
The Chicago girls foot has disappeared
from the paragraph column and there is
a mighty big hole to till.-B1st0e Courier.
Our Congressman are worthy souls,
With more or less of lustre;
They may not fill long felt want,
But they can fiiiouster-
Mercury.
History repeats itself over and over.
We often hear of the seaman who is Able
being knocked out by a hurri- Cane. -
Ocean.
1t is one of the pcculiarities of things
in general that the freshest men geuer-
ally tell the stalest stories. .-BaRg9r Com,
9aerciGt.
There are few things in life more
touching than the umbrella of an aver
age citizen in the art gallery Il I3et1I[IsJ-
Out West n 1imburger cheese trust has
been formed. There's trust that Ger
tainly will be in bad odor with the peo.
ple-Iokedo Blade.
The rose is blooming in the glade,
Wherein the lily mods;
And Patrick, with shining spade,
-Sihings.
If ali men knew as much as most men
think they know, the encyclop pdia peo-
pie would be driven out of the business.
-SOnaergille Journal.
The two Indianapolis militiamen who
wouldn't pay for their streetcar ride
doubtless consider that the brave deserve
the fare C0urier-JOurnal.
Wife CLUB night)-"Will you be home
early tonight, Johnp' Husband
"Ye'es, l think so, but don't keep break
fast waiting for me. ."-Nea0 Yort Sun.
A cynic says: elf the ancients be.
lieved the earth was square they never
could have got the idea from the deal
ings of its inhabitants with each other"
A man can master the free lunch route,
And a man can carry the banner,
But he can't sew the rip in his Sunday coat,
Because he isn't built in that manner.
-NeC York Mercury.
Phasasius (poking his head in at the
nursery -'Hulloa! What's going
Oh in here, now?" Lavina (who is dress.
ing their little ones feet ''Baby's sock,
papa. ."-DetrOit Free Press.
There is no Spanish Cabinet, the Min
listers having resigned. This crisis occurs
at an unfortunate period, as the King is
extremely busy teething just now, and
cannot be interested in State matters
Rochester Post-Eapress.
''Don't you sing2" inquired the musical
young lady of the new arrival at the
hotel; "why, how stupid of you" 'If
you'd ever heard me try, " said the young
man, with an accent of conviction, you'd
think it was everlasting smart OF me.
When Arthur was very small boy his
mother reprimanded him one day for
some misdemeanor Not knowing it, his
father began to talk to him on the same
subject. Looking up in his face, Arthur
said solemnly: My mother has tended
TO me-"
Together they dined and he bored her with
sighs,
With baShful advances and dull sheeplSh
eyes:
They dined upon quail, and she swears by the
moon,
She'll not dine again upon quail with spoonl
"Doctor-(who has been taking dis
pensary patients temperature)- e)-"Now,
my good women, how do you teel?"
Patient (eyeing the thermometer with
considerable awe)-"M Much better, thank
We. Sure an that's a wonderful thing
thatll help body so quick "-Judge
After a person has a fountain pen
kicked endwise through his chest by the
animal to which he has awarded the
prize, and later on has his features
worked up into a gibbet-pie by the owner
of the animal to whom he did not award
the prize, he does not ask for further
public recognition at the hands of his
fellow farmers. - The World.