The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1888-09-29
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Some Lively Excerpts From a WIde-Awake
Frontier Publication.

Some Lively Excerpts From a WIde-Awake
Frontier Publication.
ADVICE GRATIS. have word or
two of advice to those people who are
canvassing the town for subscriptions
to build a church. Get your congre-
CATION before you get your building.
We've taken the town directory and
gone slap through it from cover to
cover, and we haven't lighted on the
name of one single individual who has
got religion enough to drive mule
forty rods
We refused to chip in for church,
but will contribute ten dollars to get
Lampas Jake, the rcyiyalist, down
here. We want him to come here and
tell the people that they are the mean
est, wickedest, low-down, shack-nasty
lot of heathens in America. and that
not one of them stands any more show
of getting to Heaven than a jack-rabbit
does of outrunning chain lightning. If
Jake can knock any of the dirt off and
get down to the cuticle and scare thun-
der out of enough citizens to hold d
prayer meeting, We'll go in for church
building with a whoop.
SOCIETY NOTES. Mayor Jim Gibbons
and wife, of Jerusalem Hill, are va
eating in the mountains. These are
the only two inhabitants who are able
to take an outing this summer, and
they couldn't have gone if they hadn't
lodged a dozen creditors and borrowed
seven dollars of us. Wen bet four to
one they beat their board bill when
they get ready to return.
To THE TRADE.-The kicker would
be willing to take a column adver-
tisement from some Eastern drug
house in exchange for one hundred
pounds of insect powder and one
hundred blow-guns. There seems
to be a nervousness on the part of
our people against uasking our local
druggists for the stuff, but there would
be no hesitation in calling at this Office.
As the publisher of afamily newspaper
we seem to beget confidence. Please
leave your orders at an early date.
Go HENCE!-The lop-eared monstros-
ity who claims to edit the Prairie Star
has been so jealous of the phenomenal
success of the Kicker that he hasn't en-
joYed his whisky for the last three
months. In his last issue he claims
that our circulation does not reach $50,
and that we are carrying sixteen col
umns of dead ads. We hereby publish
our affidavit that our circulation is 1873
copies weekly, and constantly growing,
and as for dead ads, that S our business.
We have discovered that the people OF
this town can extract more comfort
out Of a patent medicine ad than from
two-column sketch by Trollope, and
it is our business to please the masses.
| A REMINDER. Our birthday occurs
next week Friday-that being our thir-
ty-fifth-and any little reminder sent
in by the public will be warmly appre-
ciated. We stand in need of shirts,
socks, neckties, collars, etc, and it has
been suggested that the ladies organize
and contribute to generous outfit.
Some of our friends declare that, in
view of what the Kicker has done for
this locality, a purse of 800 should be
presented to us by the men. We should
be thankful, of course, and more thank.
full, if it was made $3.50. An editor
| should be modest, however, and we
| simply throw out these few suggestions
without any thought of being personal
p. S. We wear a No. Is collar and
the shirts should be full in the back.
MORE WND.-PrOf. Rose, who hi
/ this town last spring to get up a class
in music, and who has been here on his
uppers ever since, doesn't like our way
of dealing with him. Because we sug-
gested last week that he quit dead
beating and pick up the pick or shovel,
he is around town calling us a fugitive
from justice, and asking why the police
don't do something.
Gently, Professor. When we left
Xenia, o., the sheriff patted us on the
back and lent us half dollar. We are
the only man in this town who doesn t
turn pale when the stage comes in, and
the only one who doesn't break for
the sage brush when it is announced
that the United States Marshal is here.
We amt rich or pretty, but we are
good, and the Professor is barking up
the wrong tree. We don't bear him
any ill-will, but the Professor must re-
tract his statements about us or Wen
drop line to Pinkerton asking if Yaller
Jim, alias Prof. Rose, isn't wanted
somewhere Free Press.
Where the Quail Belongs.
An Austin teacher was instructing
his class in natural history.
GsTr, hot al Of INi,.1c AnnC Al