Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-11-08
BILL NYE'S DOCTOR.


BILL NYE's DOCTOR.
A Very Open Letter in the Philadelphia Press
and an Invitation to Alexander Sweet.
ALEX E. SWEET:
Dear Sir:-I have seen recently, an
open letter addressed to me, and written
in vein CT confidence and strictly sub
rosa. What you said was sc strictly con-
fidential, in fact, that you published the
letter in New York and 1t was copied
throughout the press of the country. I
shall, therefore, endeavor to be equally
careful in writing my reply.
You refer in your kind and confidential
note to your experience as an invili6, and
your rapid recovery after the use of red
hot Mexican pepper tea in molten state.
But you did not have such a physician
as 1 did when l had spinal meningitis.
He was g good doctor for horses and
blind stsggers, but he was out of his sphere
when he strove to fool with the human
frame. Change of scene and rest were
favorite prescriptions of his. Most of his
patients got both, especially eternal
rest.
He did not know what the matter was
with me, but he seemed to be willing to
learn.
Ny wife said that while he was attend
ing me was as crazy as loon, but that
1 was more lucid than the physician.
Even with my little shattered wreck of
MUD tottering between superficial
knowledge of how to pound sand and
wide shoreless sea of mental vacuity,
still had the edge on my physician, from
an intellectual point of view.
He is still practicing medicine in
quiet kind of a way, weary of life and yet
fearing to die and go where his patients
are.
He had sabre wound on one cheek
that gave him a ferooious appearance.
He frequently alluded to how he used to
mix up in the carnage of battle, ana how
he used to roll up his pantaloons and
wade in gore. He said that if the tocsin
of war should sound even now, or if he
were to wake up in the plight and hear
wars rud5 alaruH, he would spring to
arms and make Tyranny tremble till it's
/ suspender button fell off.
Oh, he was bad man from Bitter
| Greek.
One day I learned from an old neigh
Dor that the physician did not have any
| thing TO do with preserving the Union
intact, but that he acquired the scar Oh
his cheek while making some expert
ments as a drunk and dIsorderly. He
would come in and sit by my bedside for
hours, waiting for me to die, SO that he
could collect the bills from the estate, but
one day l arose during & temper. ~ de-
lirium, and extracting slat fro. my
couch 1 smote him across the pit he
stomach with it, while I Kissed through
my clepched teeth:
physician, heal myself"
then tcttered few minutes and fell
back into the arms of my attendants. If
you do not believe this, Mr.. Sweet, / can
still show you the clenched teeth; also the
attendants.
had hard tine with this physician,
but still live, contrary to his earnest
solicitations.
Mr.. Sweet, [ desire to state that should
this letter creep into the press of the
country. and thus become in a measure,
public, no pe ii will create no i'll feeling
on your part.
Our folks are all well as 1 write, and
should you happen to be on Lake Superb
or this winter, yachting, 1 hope you will
drop in and see US. Our latch string is
hanging out most all the time, and if you
will pound on the fence L will call Off the
dog.
A friend writes me that Mr.. Knox of
your paper, and Carl Pretzel are going to
lecture to each other, this winter. pre-
sumo you will write good many pieces
for Siftipgs I suppose that you have
been with Mr.. Knox So long now, that
you are getting to be quite humorist
yourself. In fact, I have seen good
many little pieces from your valuable
paper, which attribute to you.
[ frequently buy copy of your paper
on the streets. Do you get the money?
Are you acquainted with the staff of
the Century, published in New York? I
was in the Century Office several hours
last spring, and the editors treated me
very handsomely, but, although l have
bought the magazine ever since, and
read it thoroughly, L have not seen yet,
where they said that "they had pleasant
call from the genial and urbane William
Nye." 1 90 not feel offended over this. L
simply feel burt.
Before that I had good notion to
write brief epic on the Warty Toad and
Century for publication, but now it is
quite doubtful.
Tho Century may be a good paper, but
it does not take the press dispatches, and
only last month l saw in it an account of
a battle that to my certain knowledge
occurred twenty years ago. ELL NYE.