News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-11-29

hAlSi1SA DefoHJ -OIdclOuS, bIiugSt,
hope you havn't broken that new vase
brought home to day.
Bridget-No, Mem; it's one O. tn,
immin meringe pies that yes was abakin
this afternOOn.-IHe Epoch.
IN HIGH CIRCLES.
First Tramp-I say have you taken {
bath?
Second Tramp (anxiouslO No; il
there one missing ?-HarCGrd LampOOn.
WHAT HE WOULD DO.
Brown-Oh, if I only had million
dollars, what lots of good l would dc
with it
Smith-What would you do, for in
stance?
Brown-Oh. there are always enough
I don't know exactly what 1 would do
Smith-Well, I know.
Brown-What?
Smith-You'd go to work all youl
might to make another million. Spring
field Union.
FEELING BLUE.
"Darling," he said, ''your eyes are as
bright as diamonds, your teeth as white
as pearls, your lips as red as rabies, and
and"
Eyes, George" she replied sweetly,
Sand you are as green as an emerald.
Then George went out into the jet
black night.
GOOD TINE TO SAVE.
Mr.. Blifkins-Catch me paying that
fellow $40 to dig that little ditch; I'll
go out and dig it myself
Mrs. Blifkins-Horrors Have YOU
lost your senses, Mrs. Blifkins ? What
will people think2
"They'll only think Tn paying an
election bet, my dear. Philadelphia Re
cord.
TABLES TURNED.
''Hallo, john
"Ha-ha- halo"
"Why, didn't know you stammered. 4"
" Ye-ye-ye-yes. / started a school
f.f-f-for the c-c-cure of s-s-s-s- -stammer-
ing, and ca-ca- caught it f-f-f-from the
boys"
NOT BAD TEST OF FAITH.
A plumber and an upholsterer were
recently engaged in fitting up fashion
able residence on Van Ness avenue, and
got into n discussion rs to which was
the heavier, n pound of lead or feathers
IN bet you four bits that can prove
to you that pound of lead is heavier
Tim I'll ,.,.aeannd of fenthers'' said tho
s'I'll take that bet," said the uphol-
sterer.
The plumber cut off piece of lead
pipe and pared it down until it weighed
sixteen ounces. Then he got from the
upholsterer the same weight in feathers.
''Now," said the plumber, holding
the lump of lead in his right hand and
the bag of feathers in his left hand, 'let
me drop the lead on your left foot and
the feathers on your right, and if l do
not prove that the lead is heavier I'll
pay four bits.
The man of feathers would not con-
sent to the trial, but paid for the cigars.
San Francisco Wasp.
ABBREVIATED PoLITENEss.
Gentleman in crowded street car Ito
lady just entering)-Madam, permit me
to offer you q seat.
Lady (coolly taking eat)-'Bliged.
Gentleman frigidly)-N'tall. Welk.
A DISASTROUS DUEL.
Mrs. Blood Ito the Colonel, who has
returned from fighting n duel)-Oh,
Colonel, you look distressed; is it pos
sible that you have injured your antago-
mist?
Colonel Blood-A sight worse, my
dear. killed valuable mule in an
adjoining lot, and s'pose I'll have to
pay for him. m.-IerGs SjttjngS.
THE FRUITS OF SUCCESS.
First Baseball Player-Well, old man,
I've taken villa at Nice for the winter
Will you come over and see me?
Second Baseball Player-Thanks
awfully, me boy, but I'm going to try
Senate, so I'll be too busy to get away.
Remember me kindly to the swells.
sPoILING THE SALE.
Prim Spinster-Well, if you say, Mr.,
Featherwing, that the parrot has been
we'll brought up and is perfectly strong,
1 think I may as well take him.
Parrot (who knows life and is some
what aghast at his future prospects)-I
say, boss, amt it about time l took my
medicine?
And then he coughed till the tears ran
down his face.-N. Y. Sun.
HE WOULD DYE FOR HER.
'Pd rather die thousand deaths than
have you refuse my Offer" said the aged
suitor as he knelt before o fair young
damsel.
81 see you have already begun to
dye" said the heartless creature, land
you daubed lot of it on your ears, too,
[ like gray hair better than blue black,
any day.
He fled in terror. .-DnnUiUe Breeze.
PoNsoNBYs PROSPECTS.
Mr.. Dolliver--So you want to marry
my daughter? Have you any means of
existence2
Mr.. Pomsonby-At present, none, but
[ have very brilliant prospects.
Mr.. Dolliver-I dare say; but suppose
l don't die for n good many years, what's
going to become of you then ?-Drake's
-Ndgazine.
THOUGHT THEY CAME TOGETHER.
Young wife Haven't I heard YOU
say, james, that you are fond of ham ,"
Young husband eyes; ham and
eggs"
Young wife "Well, if you will stop
al the market and order about two !
pound of ham and eggs, we'll have it for
dinner. .'-Judgo.
SIMILARITY OF BEAR STORIES.
Maine Hunter.-Pll tell yeou bout a
bear I.
Experienced Visitor. i know all |
about it. The bear had club and at
tackled you, and after using up all your
you finally drew your
pocket-knife and killed the brute.
Maine Hunter. now, eff that
amt jest the way it happened who told
yeou?
Experienced Visitor.-No one; but
I've heard about $50 bear stories since
I've been here, and in every blessed
case the hero used up all his ammuni-
tion and finally killed the bear with a
pocketknife. The mystery to me is
why you fellows don't start in with the
l. Ill r.