St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1888-12-23

sneWs rooms" leaving the gentle manly,
genial and urbane editor of the PiZen-
week as he found him, sitting in his
foundered chair with his head i'm
mersed in pile OF exchanges on the
liable and his venerable Smith Il WesSOn
rear by acting as paper-Welght. The
gentlemanly, genial and urbane editor
of the Pizeweed presented the appear
ance of man engaged in sleeping off
long and aggravated case OF drunk.
His hat was on the back of his head,
and his features were entirely obscured
by the loose papers i'll which they
nestled.
Later on. Elijah P. Beckwlth, the
foreman. came in, and found the fol-
lowing COPY on the hook, marked
s.Leaded Editorial" and divided up
into takes for the yellow-haired devil
and himself:
"Iu another volume of this issue
will be found, among the legal no
tees. the first publication of a sum-
mons in an action for divorce, in
which our wife is plaintiff and
we are made defendant. While gen.
orally deprecating the practice of bring
ing private matters into public notice
through the medium of the press, we
feel justified in this instance, inasmuch
as the summons sets forth. as cause of
action, that we ale, and have been for
the space of ten years, confirmed
drunkard, without hope of recovery,
totally unwilling to provide for and
maintain our said wife.
That we have been given to drink,
we do not at this time undertake to
deny or in any way contrOvert, but that
we cannot quit at any time, we do most
earnestly contend.
"In 1867, on the 4th day of July, we
married our wife. 1t was joyful day,
and earth had never looked to us SO fair
or so desirable as a summer resort as it
did that day. The flowers blOomed, the
air was fresh and eXhilarating. the little
birds and the hens poured forth their
respective lays. 1t was day long to
be remembered. and ii seemed as though
we had never seen Nature get up and
hump herself to be SO attractive as she
did on this special mOrning-tne morn
ing of all mOrningS-the morning on
which we married our wife.
Little did we dream that after ten
years of varying fortune we would to-
day give utterance to this editorial, or
that the steam power press of the Pizen-
weed
WOULD SQUAT
ct thoro, into the virgin page of our
paper. But such is the case. Our wife
has abandoned us to our fate, and has
seen fit to publish the notice in what
we believe to be the splcieSt paper
published west of the Missouri river.
1t was not necessary that the notice
should be published, We were ready,
at any time, to admit service, provided
that plaintiff would serve it while we
were sober. We can not agree 10 remain
sober after 10 o'clock a. M, in order to
give people chance to serve notices
on u.s. But in this case plaintiff knew
the value of advertising, and she Sc
lected paper that goes to the better
classes all over the Union. When our
wife does anything she does it right.
For ten years our wife and we have
trudged along together. 1t has been
record of errors and failures on our
part; a record of heroic devotion and
fOrbearance on the part of our wife. 1t
is over now, and with nothing to re-
member that is not soaked full of bitter
ness and wrapped up in red flannel re-
morse. We go forth to-day and herald
our shame by publishing to the world
the fact, that as husband we are de-
pressing failure, while as a red-eyeS
and a rum-SOaked rum and all-rOund
drunkard we are a tropical triumph.
We print this without egotism. and we
point to it absolutely without vainglory.
All, why were we made the custodian
of this fatal gift, while others were de-
MED? 1t was about all the talent we
had, but we have not wrapped 1t up IN
napkin. Sometimes we have put a
cold. wet towel on; but we have never
hidden it under 'bushel. We have put
il out at 8 per cent month, and it has
grown to be thirst that is worth COM
ing all the way from Omaha to see.
We do not glOat over it. We do not say
all this to the Displacement of other
bright, young drinkers, who came here
at the same time and had equal advan-
tages with us. We do not wish to speak
lightly of those whose prospects for fill
ing a drunkard'S grave were at one
time even brighter than ours. We have
simply sought to hold our position here
in the grandest galaxy of eXtempora-
neous inebriates in the wild and woolly
West. We do not wish to vaunt our
own powers, but we say, without fear
of successful contradiction, that we
have done what we could.
ION the fourth page of this number
will be found, among other announce
mentS, the advertisement of our wife,
WHO Is dUCul 10 open llt Olu
at the corner of Third and Cottonwood
streets, in the Briggs building. We
hope that our citizens will accord her a
generous patronage, not so much on her
husbands account, but because she is
deserving woman and good laundreSS.
We wish that we could as safely recon-
mend every advertiser who patroniZeS
these columns as we can our wife.
"Unkind critics will make cold and
unfeeling remarks because
OUR WIFE
has decided to take in washing, and
thew will look down on her, no doubt,
but she will not mind it, for it will be
pleasing relaxation TO wash. after the
ten years of torchlight professions and
Mardi GraS frolic she has had with US.
1t is tiresome, of course. to chase pill
low case up and down the wash-board
all day, butitis easier and pleasantert than
it is 10 run one-horSe lnebrlate nome
for ten years on credit.
Those who have read' the PiZen-
weed for the past three years will re-
member that it has not been regarded
as an outSpoken temperance organ.
We have never claimed that for it. We
have simply claimed that, so far as we
are personally concerned. we could take
LIQUOR or we could let it alone. That
has always been our theory. We still
make that claim. Others have said the
same thing. but were unable TO do as
they advertised. We have been taking
it right along between meals for ten
wears. We now propose, and so state in
the prospectus, that we will let it alone.
We leave the public to judge whether
or not we ean do what We claim
After the foreman had set up the
above editorial. he went in to speak 10
IL nIitor. hnt he uaS still Slnmilfring.