Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1888-12-31

Why is city official like church bellF
One steals from the people and the other
peals from the steeple.
One of the Country Week" girls ex-
claimed on seeing watermelons growing,
''Ey l always s'posed watermelons grew
in the water"
He-What kind of goods is that dress
made of, Laura? She-Camel's hair. He
OF course; now that you turn around,
see the hump"
81 can't go to JAIL" said a funny va
grant, have no time" "The court pro-
vides that, d" said the judge. 81 give you
ten days"
Magistrate-What is your complaint
against this young man, John? China
man unable to collect laundry bilD-He
too muchee by-and-by.
st. Peter-Enter. Why do you hest
tate? New Spirit don't see any usher
1--WE have no usher here. Sit where you
please. I" Dear me How different heaven
is from a church..
Husband (impatiently)-If the fool
killer should strike this town he would
find plenty of work to do! Wife with
anxiety)-Well, 1 do hope, John, that
you win be very careful.
School mistress (to dull little boy
Johnny, I'm ashamed of you. When l
was your age l could read twice as well
as you" Johnny-''Yes'm but you had
different teacher from what I've got"
In a hotel dining-room.-'' Fresh "
Drummer-What is your name, Miss?
Waitress-Pearl. Second Drummer-Ah!
are you the pearl of great price? Wait
ress-No; l am the pearl before swine.
A Brooklyn lady, last week attended a
funeral in a country church. After the
singing of hymn, man who was sitting
behind her remarked: Beautiful hymn,
isn't it, ma'am? The corpse wrote it."
81 can't afford more than one flower on
hat" she said to the milliner. "Well,
where will you have it?' "As / sit next
to the wall i'm church, you can put il on
the side next to the congregation, was
the soft reply.
A youngster sat watching his mother
while she pitted cherries. She inadvert-
antly passed one without removing the
stone. Hopeful Immediately picked it up
with the remark, "Heres one you didn't
unbutton, mamma"
Mr.. and Mrs. Jason were engaged i'm
their usual evening debate. Said he, for
a clincher, "Well, there's no use arguing
with a woman or jackass." II wish |
had known that at the start and saved my
breath" said she.
Mrs. Hobson Gust bereaved) you
go, Mrs. Hendricks? Mrs. Hendricks
Yes, it is getting late. Let me assure you
again sof my heartfelt sympathy inEthe
sudden and unexpected death Of Mr.. Hob
son. Good-by. l hope you will have
pleasant day for the funeral.
"Wose, deah, tell me-ah-did you
make a memorandum of the-ah-we-
mark made to you~yhen / was here be-
foah?" 'No, Charlie, | didn't" That's
dweadful, cause, don't yer know, cawn't
wecolect myself whether / pwoposed to
you or Clawa."
One day, when the teacher of kinder
garten for poor children was giving
them their first lesson i'm geography, she
used ball to illustrate the shape OF the
earth. After faithful explanation she
gave the ball to a little boy and said
"Now, Johnnie, can you tell me what is
round like the ball?'' "Yes'm," said John
ME, delightedly. "Another one"
The civilization of Montana is of
high order, as shown by these rules dis
played in hotel Guests will leve thar
weepins SOS they'll not go off in the mite.
No titin' or shutin' allowed in the bed |
rumes. Gests must sine thar names ev-
cry day and pay accordingly. Emmy |
guest who isn't satisfied with |
these roofs must mosey or stand the kon-
sequences.
ON the extravaganza shown i'm funer- /
ais, one PAUL., Catholic priest, tells this /
tale. The Emperor Vespasian heard that
the funeral of a noble Roman had cost
him sixty ducats. "And pray, what will
my funeral cost?" asked the emperor of
his chancellor. ooh, sire not less than
three hundred ducats." "Then, in pity,
hand me the ducats now; and, when |
am dead chnclx me into tho rfhar