The National tribune., 1888-10-11
HUMoR.


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: The subject with
which am about to torture you for q few mo-
meuts this evening is war, and ! will try aud
give you an illustration of the part that some
of us took in suppressing the rebellion.
1t was my privilege to be engaged in that
great struggle from the time the first gun was
fired on Fort Sumter until the last bounty was
paid in New York.
Having enlisted as private in the ranks,
by gallant conduct many bloodless field
soon rose to the position OF coffee -csoIer, which
position held with honor throughout the war.
The first engagement in which distinguish
ed myself was Bull Run and oh, what a run it
was In the language of the pedestrian, it was
n regular gn-as- you please. / was in the front
ranks-on the retreat-and reached Washing
ton "a hours ahead of tho telegraph; SO |
thought l would make an extra lap, and
skipped to New York. While there was in
terviewed by detective, after which | made
another lap back to the front
From that time on TO the end OF the war our
pathway was strewn with roses and rebel bull
let's The cry was On to Richmond" but
there were so many obstacles IN the way that
we never got there.
AT one time we encountered a masked bat
terry, which opened on us with terrific fire;
il seemed evident for time that our artillery
would be defeated, for they had run short of
shot and shell. Just then the order was given
to load with hardtack.
That settled it. In 10 minutes we silenced
that battery and took 100 prisoners The reb-
els said they conld stand the Yankee shot and
shell, but that hardtack was too much for them.
We often used them afterwaTd for building
breasfworks aud notifications. Some of them
arc still standing or lying.
At least | am.
/ remember having great deal of trouble in
one engagement with al animal called mule.
/ was on the retreat, as usual, aud was very
anxious to get in the rear Of the rear, but that
mule would not bulge an inch. l tried to rea-
son with bin.
| said, "See here, you humble apology for
horse, don't you know that if you remain here
you will he captured by the rebels and killed,
and your carcass sent South as food for Union
prisoners2
He just spread himself out like stack Of
muskeis and stood still and winked had no
further time to argue with him. Time was too
precious so / left him with soldiers bless
ing
lie may be standing there STILL 1 hope he
is. Ii | ouly had time l would have raised
monument over his head before / left him. l
always regretted the loss of that mule. He
was OF such kind aud gentle disposition. |
don't think he ever kicked me more than four
times day the whole time had him. Then,
again, he WAS SO easy to take care of; in fact
he always took care of himself and | did not
care If he did. He used to go off foragng on
bis own hook. He would eat anything from
soldiers blouse to poptoOn bridge.
think of ali men most entitled to pension.
the one who drove mule is the most desery
ing, Even now, when ! think of the many
hair breadth escapes from death caused by anX-
iety for tile welfare of the mule, aud of the
many dangers encountered while giving him
his Cruel, IL makes me sick
But why dwell on these sad scenes? We
know that if the mule driver does not receive
| his reward in this Congress, he never Will re-
ceive it in the Congress to come.
Excuse me- kind friends, for wandering from
| the scenes of the battlefield to those OF the
baggage wagon; but was 80 accustomed to it
| during the war that | have never gotten en-
! tireIy over it. Indeed, | thuk it is one of the
| greatest wonders that my life has been spared
at all. But fortune fayors the brave, especially
| if he Is out OF danger.
| will neyer forget the gallant charge that
| some of our company once made on Suffers
| tent 1t was a hand to hand conflict In this
/ engagement l was mortally wounded. Some
| one hit me on the head with can of tomatoes.
which bnrsted.
| | was also taken prisoner and sent to the
| guard house for two weeks, after which time
/ was exchanged for a bar of soap and plug oil
tobacco.
The Surgeon advised me to go home and die
1 of my wounds, but said, No; l will never
friends say at home who sent me into the army
| to get rid of meP My name for ever afterward
would be Dennis aud my chance OF becoming 9
Doodle Alderman lost forever"
The Surgeon finally said he didn't know but
| ! was right after all, and he had great deal o
sympathy for my friends at home; so he pre-
| scribed a dose of quiniue and whisky-tht
| ouinine for me and the whsk for himself, and
we have never since drank from the same can
| teen
4 brother contraband once said TO me: 2" /
| this war continues much longer there won't b'
n chicken left in the South. Even now it IS a
much as a ROSTERS life is worth to crow within
10 miles of camp, and chicken dassent q
to roost for fear of being called out in the mid
die OF the night to go to camp and have goot
time with the boys, and when they get theS
they 70 to Growing and get into tight, and
never knew soldier and chicken to have
fight but what the chicken got killed, and thel
we had to eat him to get him out of the way.
Some people might call this cruel, but W
weren't going to allow any rebel chicken {
crow over us while we were living on salt porl
and bareback, and just suffering for the photo
graph of an egg To remind US of home and ou
ueighbors' hen-roosts.
Kind friends do not think for an instan
that all our time was spent in fighting rebel
and killing chickens. for we spent great dea
of our time writing letters to loved ones a
home and playing poker. Every time we 60
busted we wrote letter home. l was c0ntinu
ously writing letters.
| used to receive great many letters givin
a description of the battles we were engage
in. | valued the papers very highly; fo
without them | wouldn't know anything abOu
the battle. l always examined them yer
carefully TO see if | had been killed or take
prisoner not that l thought there was any dar
ger, for believe if the whole army was take
I would he stl tO left
Finally, after four long years. came the new
of Lees surrender. The war was over. TIL
band struck up "The girl left behind me,
and l struck for home on a doubIe-quick, TT
! solved that the battlefields which once kne'
me would know me no more forever.
In conclusion, let me say that if you woul
like photograph of man who suffered mol
or less than any man in the war. that m
chrome will be on exhibition at all the leadin
dry-good stores, and will be given away wit
each pound of tea f. +. A.