News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-09-13
THE JOKtR'S BUDGET.
SOME FUNNY SAYINGS BY THE
HUMOROUS MEN.
just What He Wanted-EmpIoyed
the Wrong Man Both Disap-
pointed-No Politics, &c.

Barber (desirous to please)-How
would you like your hair cut, sir2
Customer Gnnocently)-First rate |!
That's what l came in here for.-Ide1.
EMPLOYED THE WRONG MAN.
DR.. S.-You don't mean to tell me
that old sawbones charged you fifteen
dollars for cutting off your arm?
| Mr.. P.-Yes, fifteen dollars.
DR.. Snow, why didn't you send for
me? would have cut both arms off for
less money than that.-LJs.
BOTH DISAPPOINTED.
| The two men had occupied the same
seat in q railway coach for half q day
and the train had reached its destina-
| ton.
II am indebted to you, sir, for an
agreeable conversation that has relieved
greatly the monotony of q long journey.
| May ask your name2"
Certainly. My name is Sullivan"
(Jocosely.) "Not Mr.. Sullivan of
Boston p
eyes. reside in Boston"
"What! Not"
(Haughtily.) "No, sir; I am college
professor.
"Beg pardon. Permit me to introduce
myself. My name is Crowley"
(Smiling.) "Not Mr.. Crowley of New
York;"
eyes, New York is my home"
"What Not"
(Hotly) "No, sir. I am the Presi-
dent of a bank, SIR
(Coldly.) "Good-day, sir -
Frigidly.) "Good-day !"
NO POLITICS.
Citizen Ito stranger)-Whst are 20,
politics, my friend?"
Stranger-I have no politics this year;
m leader of brass band.-N. 7. Sun.
A CHARMING DUET.
Mr.. Sampson Ito Bobby at the front
gate) is your sister in, Bobbyl
Bobby-Yes, she's in the parlor with
Mr.. Featherly. They've been singing to-
gether.
Mr. Sampson--Ah, and what have
they been singing?
Bobby-"We're going to be married,
ha, ha, mamma"
SOMETHING.
Countryman Ito idealer)-I see ye ad-
vertise outside "everythin' supplied fer
weddin's."
Dealer-Yes, sir.
Countryman-Ye go the hull bust
ness?
Dealer-Yes, sir.
Countryman earnestly IL say, mister,
how much would ye tax me fer good
healthy gal what kin milk, an amt
afraid of work. -Ep0ch.
HAVEN OF REST.
81 have been reading 80 long, Mr..
the iS gate, pseb that ina my my ss Tsua- It
til = sd. :. =: ~
he replied, with tender sympathy, "and
let your tired eyes rest on me-"
A PUzzLER FOR THE TEACHER.
Sunday-School Scholar (who has been
giving profound attention to the Subject !
under discussion) n)-Teacher, you say We
must always love our enemies. Now,
s'poSe two fellers love the same girl, an
one gets her an the other don't. Do you
B'pose the one that gets left is goin' to |
love the one who gets the girl
Teacher lost III meditation.-Judge.
ADVICE.
Brother, don't stop your paper just be-
cause you don't agree with the editor
The last cabbage you sent in didn't agree |
with US, either, but we didn't drop you
from our subscription list on that ac-
count. No; we simply said. "Make us
thankful for what we are about to re-
ceiye, and after we received it We We're
not able to say anything. g.-iSmithgiHe,
IGa.) Nens.
NOT TO SELL.
A Darlington man tells q story of
resident of that town who was notorious
for buying anything that was offered
and being very slow pay. 81 want to
buy some of your basket stuff" said this
man to my father. 81 haven't any,"
said my father, who did not care to sell
to him. A few days after ny father
found that the man had been cutting on
our land, and he spoke to him and said
'See here, my friend, l guess you've
been cutting basket stuff little over the
line, haven't youl" 81 thought you said
you hadn't any, Capt. Buzzell," respond
I'd the man.-D0cer (N. H. Times.
REALISTIC ACTING.
Prompter Cto boy)-Tell Mr.. Ham
hat his cue will be given very soon for
he death scene; is he ready?
Boy-Yes, sir; he's just got through
'atin' watermelon.
CHEEKY.
Mrs. Gorham Ware-I must run now,
lear. We're going to have a dreadful
hover. hope your dress won't spot.
Why did you come out to-day without
n umbrella
Miss Korton-Oh, don't know. I
uppose because you borrowed it yester-
lay. +
Mrs. Gorham Ware-How stupid of {
ne to foroei2 This is rnnr I'M hrolla