Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1888-10-25

uoySY S4uO WILL Iu0 tISOE u OEAWu anu OTdlu
which mustensue, in your LIES lexicon yoa'
will find no such word as fail.
THE FlDGETY MAN.
An Individual That Bears q Close Rssenss
blanco to the Mosquito.
AIRS any Of our readers unfortunate
enough to number a fidgety man among
their acquaintances? Have they ever
been compelled to listen, with the most
patient Impotence, to his two-hours
long string of ailments and grievances
If they have, they will sympathize
with us, when we say that a fidgety
man is worse than teething baby
more uncomfortable than house cleans
ing, and only a spice better than O.
fidgety woman.
He's very nice kind of an individe
ual, nevertheless. You would, to hear
him talk, that Father Job wasn't cir.
cumstance to him, and that if all the
saints and martyrs in the Prayer Book
ever walked on one pair of legs, he was
the possessor thereof! He has no sort
of patience with the female fidgets; he
looks down on them from a pinnacle
of serene scorn!
On the whole he means w,ll, but il
his wife happen to be one OF those
meek souls who believe that the world
will cease turning round unless their
husbands stand by to oil ohe wheels
and look after the valves, SD had bet
ter be under thousGnd-pound-weight
milestone at once; the grinding pro-
cess wouldn't be much worse, and ID
49, l. -
He never goes to bed without being
firmly convinced that there Is robber
somewhere In the house, and wakes up
every body to inquire if there isn't q
burglar under their beds or in their
wardrobes. He makes the tour of the
house regularly after the candles are
all blown out, to burrow in the kitchen
ashes, lest the cook should have left q
spark of fire, and to see that the bolts
are all fastened.
He endures more daily trials than
you would conceive possible. The
tailor never sends home his coat wiA
the tails of a Mechanically correct
length, and the new boots invariably
press upon his tenderest corn. If the
morning paper doesn't arrive at just
such a time, you would think that the
whole created universe had come to @
standstill. IF a door creaks, he jumps.
If the clock ticks loud, it destroys his
comfort.
Nothing occurs in the domestic
arena without his discovering it, and
he takes exception to every thing.
The flies buzz louder on his window
panes, and take a sharper nip at his
nose, than they do anywhere else; and
If any dyspeptic dog in the neighbors
hood, after having eaten too many
bones, INDUCES In howl OF two al
night, his peace is destroyed-and
everybody's besides!
On washing days the smell OF soap
suds makes him sick; on baking days
the sound of rolling pin and pounding
mortar makes him nervous! Now he
constitutes it his rule never to intersi
fere with domestic details-of all
things he detests hen-hussy; bus'
couldn't they have selected any othef
day for their kitchen orgies than the
one on which he happens to remain al
home?
No use telling him that Bridget
didn't know he was in the house. OF
course nobody takes any pains to COD
suit his comfort. He guesses he isn't
going to be choked to death in his
own house, though. There goes that
everlasting bell; he supposes old Grum-.
BILE is coming to bore his life out again;
If there's any thing in the world that
drives him distracted, it is one Of these
people who are eternally finding fault.
He wishes that man was at the bottom
Of
How do you do, Mr.. Grumble? De-
lighted to see you. What charity IL
Is to drop in Of an evening. My love.
here is our dear Mrs. Grumble. tool
This IS an unexpected pleasure!"
And the company 60 away at eleven
o'clock p. m, fully convinced that he
is an angel upon earth. and that his
wife ought to be the happiest woman
alive. Pity they couldn't see behind
the curtain.
We never could discover the precise
end for which fidgety men and mos
quitoes were created; but somehow
one ALWAYS reminds us of the other
N r Ledger.
Tn sportsman may lead IN Idle exisar
0nco, but his career u not "a aimieas onA &