The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1888-05-12
BILL NYE AS A POLITICIAN.
His Rather Neat Way Of Calling Public
Attention to Himself
IRON the Netc YorI. World.

| WIN MY SSH nave positively sCabeu, anu
now repeat. that at neither the ST. Louis nor
Chicago convention will my name be pre-
| sented as a candidate
But my health is bully.
| We are upon the threshold of most Bit
ter and acrimonious fight. Great wisdom
and foresight are needed at this hour, and
the tue patriot will forget himself and his
own interests in his great yearning for the
| good OF his common country and the sue
cess of his party. What we need at this
time Is leader whose name will not be
| presented to the convention but whose
health is good.
No one has a fuller or better conception
of the great duties of the hour than |. How
clearly TO my mind are the duties of the
American citizen outlined to-day! L have
never seen with clearer, keener vision the
| great needs of my country, and nay
! pores have never been more open.
| -Four Years ago | was in some doubt
relative to certain important questions
which now are clearly and satisfactorily
settled in my mind | hesitated then where
now / am fully established, and my tongue
| was coated in tbs morning when | arose,
| whereas now bound lightly from bed, kick
| out window, climb to the roof by means
OF the tire-escape and there rehearse speeches
which | will make this fall in case it should
| be discovered at either of the conventions
| that my name alone can heal the rupture in
| the party and prevent its works from fall
ing out.
think my voice is better also than it
was either four, eight, twelve or sixteen
years ago, and it does not tire me so much
TO think OF things to say from the tail-gate
of train as it did when | first began to
refrain from presenting my name to con
ventions.
According to my notion, our candidate
should be plain man, a magnetic, but
hairless patriot, who should be suddenly
thought of by majority of the convention
and nominated by reclamation. He should
not be hide-bound politician, but on the
contrary he should be greatly startled,
while down cellar sprouting potatoes, to
| learn that he has been nominated That's
the kind of man who always surprises
everybody with his sagacity when an
| emergency arises.
In going down my cellar stairs the com
mittee will do well to avoid stepping on a
large and venomous dog who sleeps on the
| top stair Or | will tie him in the barn
if can be informed when | am liable to be
startled.
l have always thought that the neatest
method Of calling man to public life was
the one adopted some years since in the case
of Cincinnatus He was one day breaking
a pair of nervous red steers in the north
field. 1t was a hot day in July, and he was
trying to summer fallow piece
grew SEVEN feet high. The plough
would not scour, and the steers
had turned the yoke twice on him. Gin
cinnatus had hung his toga on a tamarac
pole to strike furrow by, and hadn't sue
ceeded in getting the pillow in more than
twice IN going across. Dressing, as he did,
in the Roman custom of 45S B. c., the
LII ba1 bod Il
legs till trey were a sight to behold. He
had scourged Old Bright and twisted the
tail of Bolly till he was sick at heart. All
through tho long afternoon, wearing hot,
rusty helmet with rabbit-skin ear-tabs, he
had tOileG on, when suddenly majority
of the Roman voters climbed over the
| fence and asked him to become dictator
in place of Spurius Melius.
Putting on his toga and buckling an old
| hame strap around his loins he said: Gen
| tlemen, If you win wait till | go to the
| house and get some vaSeline on my limbs |
will do your debating for you as low as you
| have ever had it DONE He then left his
team standing in the furrow while he served
his country in an official capacity for lit
tie over twenty nine years, after which he
went back and resumed his farming.
Though $500 years have since passed
away and historians have been busy with
that epoch ever since, no one has yet dis
covered the methods by which Cincinnatus
| organized and executed this, the most sue
cessful Peoples Movement" of which we
| are informed.
The great trouble with the modern boom
| is that it is too precocious. 1t knows more
before it gets its clothes on than the nurse
the physician, and its parents 1t then dies
before the sap starts in the maple forests.
My object in writing this letter is largely
to tone down and keep in check any popular
h,l
is more settled. A Season-cracked boom is
thing | despise.
| inclose my picture, however, which
shows that | am so healthy that it keeps me
awake nights. / go about the house sing
ing all the time and playing pranks on my
grandparents. Ny eye dances with ill
concealed merriment, and my conversation
is just as sparkling as it can be.
believe that during this campaign we
should lay aside politics so far as possible
and unite on an unknown, homely but
sparkling man. Let us lay aside all race
prejudices and old party feeling and elect
magnetic chump who does not look so very
WE'LL but who feels firstrate.
Toward the middle of June l shall go
away to an obscure place where l cannot be
reached My mail will be forwarded to me
by gentleman who knows how | feel in
relation to the wants and needs of the coun-
try.
To those who have prospered dnring the
past twenty years let me say they owe it to
the perpotuation of the principles and insti-
buttons toward the establishment and main
tenance of which have given the best en-
ergies of my life To those who have been
unfortunate let me say frankly that they
owe it to themselves.
Ihave never had less malaria or d spond-
ency in my system than l have this spring
My cheeks have a delicate bloom on them
like russell apple, and my step is light and
elastic. In the morning | arise from my
couch, and, touching concealed spring, it
becomes an upright piano. | then battle in
low divan which contains a jointed tank
then sing until interfered with by prop
erty owners and taxpayers who reside near
by. After light breakfast Of calls liver
and cuStard PIE | go into the reception
room and wait for people to come and feel
my pulse. In the AFTERNOON l lie down on
a lounge for two or three hours, wondering
in what way l can endear myself to
the laborng man. | then dine heartily
at my CLUB. la the evening / 90
to see the amateurs play "Pygmadon and
Galatea.n As | remain till the play is over
any one can see that am a very robust
man. After | get home, l write 1000 or
5000 words in my diary. | then insert
myself into the bosom of my piano and
sleep, having first removed my clothes and
ironed NV trousers for future reference
n. Ii 4