News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1888-06-07
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
THE FUNNIEST THINGS THE HU-
MORI rs ARE SAYING.
The Sergeant's Order-Western Ball
Room Politeness-Ea Their
Money Papa's Dilemma An
Arithmetical Problem. &c, &c.
LAWS,

LAWS.
1t was in q Boston private school oi
fashionable repute, and the class OF
Young ladies who had been studying the
history and the Constitution of the
United States were under examination.
Chow is law made?' said the In
structOr.
ooh" said a tailor made damsel
cheerfully, ''the Senate has to ratlty
it, and then the President mas to veto
It'll"
INTEREST.
There is a movement on foot in Boston
to abolish usury. The brokers take
much interest in it.
GIVEN AWAY.
Mamma don't see where papa can
be. He's very late tonight.
Mildred-Why, he's fixing his cane OF
something. l heard him tell Uncle
George, this morning.
Mamma-What did he say2
Mildred-He said George, I've got to
blow that new club of mine off to night.
It'd Bits
Mr.. Rural Hayseed, Gn town on Wis
it, has Just been shaved, and the tOnso-
rial artist ''tOuches" him for hair
cut.
Barber-Your hair looks pretty bad
comes over your coat collar, sir. Shan t
I fix it for you?
Hayseed-Wall, 1 don't care If you
do. You might just pull the coat collar
down little.
In the death of Leary New York
loses one of her distinguished burglars.
Mr.. Leary was hit on the head with
hard burnt brick, and lived but few days
after the concussion. 1t may be truly
said that during Mr.. Leary's long ca
reer every door was open to hlm.-C0u-
rier-JOurnGI.
FALL.
Visitor Ito Montana widow)-And you
say your husband met his death by fall
ing off scaffold2
Montana Widow-Yes; poor John.
Visitor-How far did he fall2
Montana Widow-Er-oh, the fall was
about three feet, I think.
TDEPENDs.
When q riding master was asked the
other day how many lessons a lady
needs to take before she can ride alone,
he said:
ssDot defends on der laty. Some
Iaties do dot NIT dree lessons; some lot
at all in dree year. Chicago Tribune.
ACQUAINTED.
Fogg, the eminent lawyer (who has Il
weakness for charging high fces), to
nephew who has been speCulatlng-
What! you paid two dollars for one rIL-
bit, Bobby.3
Bobby (seven years oId)-Yes, sir.
Fogg-Why didn't you consult your
uncle9
Bobby (who has heard of his uncle's
fame)-Then it might have cost me five.
RIGHT FACE.
A story is told of an Irish drill ser
geant who had been put in charge of an
awkward squad. At the word of com
mand: "Right face" one of the recruits
turned completely about, bringing him
self exactly in the same position from
which he started
"Holy Moses!" shrieked the drill ser
geant, ''Phat does yez name by turnin'
completely about, when sez right
face ?"
The recruit was as awkward in his an
swer as he had been in his manmuvring
and the old sergeant, with the intention
OF sending him to the guard house, de-
manded his name.
"Turner," said the man, whereupon
Irish wit asserted itself and the old SER
geant said:
"Begorra, and yez couldn't help it
then"
Guest Ito Florida hotel keeper-What
is this item among the ''extras:"
weather vane, 81 2" Hotel keeper
Yes, sir; we charge 81 day for telling
which way the wind bows, and there is
no money in it at that.-Tid6jts.
EARNING THEIR MONEY.
It was during performance at Daly's. /
A young gentleman from the city and an
old gentleman from the country occu-
pied adjoining seats. At the end of the
second act, when the curtain had fallen
amid loud applause, the young man
turned to the old man and said, in a |
burst of unwonted enthusiasm:
Excellent! Superb! How they do
act!"
eye es," responded the old gentle
man, with a face as cxpressionless as Il
whitewashed fence, ''but l understand
that's what they are paid for.-Detr0i
Free Press.
OF A FINANCIAL NATURE.
Bobby (thoughtfully)-Pa, do men in
business worry about money matters2
Father-Sometimes, Bobby. For in
stance, when man whose credit is not
first class owes me money, worry more
or less until I get it. Do you under
stand2
Robby-Yes, pa, and when you owe
money to other people I s'pose they
worry until they get it.-EpOch.
PAPA's DILEMMA.
Mollie (who has poured glass of milk
over her new dress)-You will catch it,
papa, Just as soon as mamma comes
home.