The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1888-10-06
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Some Lively Excerpts From "a Wide-Aw wake
Frontier Publication. ,

Some Lively Excerpts From "A Wide wake
Frontier Publication. Z,
ADVICE GRATIs We have a word or
two Of advice % those people who are
canyassing the town for subscriptions
10 build a church. Get your congrc-
cation before you get your building.
We've taken the town directory and
gone slap through IL from cover 70
cover, and we haven't lighted on tho
name OF one single individual who has
got religion enough ~ drive mulo
forty rods.
We refused % chip In for a church,
but will contribute ten dollars 10 get
Lampas Jake, the reyiyalist, down
here. We want him 10 come here and
tell the people that they arc the mean
est, wickedest, low-down, shack nasty
lot OF heathens In America, and that
not one OF them stands any more show
OF getting TO Heaven than jack-rabbit
does OF outrunning chain lightning. IL
Jake can knock any Of the dirt of and
get down TO the cuticle and scare thun-
der out Of enough citizens TO hold
prayer meeting, wen go ia for church
building with whoop.
SOCIETY NOTES. Mayor Jim Gibbons
and wife, Of Jerusalem HILL are va
eating in the mountains. These arc
the only two inhabitants who are ablo
they couldn't have gone II they hadn't
lodged IA dozen creditors and borrowed
seven dollars Of Us. Wen bet four TO
one they beat their board bill wben
they got ready TO return.
To TIE TRADE. Hicker would
be willing 10 take column adver-
tiscmcnt from some Eastern drug
house in exchange for ono hundred
pounds Of insect powder and ono
hundred blow-guns. There seems
10 be n nervousness on tho part OF
our people against oasking our local
druggists for the stuff, but there would
be no hesitation in calling at this odice.
AS the publisher Of family newspaper
we seem TO begct confidence. Please
leave your orders mt an early date.
Go HENCE! The lop-carcd monstros-
ity who claims TO edit the Prairie Star
has been SO jealous Of the phenomenal
success Of the Kicker that no hasn't en-
joyed his whisky for tho last throe
months. In his last issue no claims
that our circulation does not reach $50,
and that we are carrying sixteen col
umns OF dead ads. We hereby publish
our affidavit that our circulation IL l53
copies weekly, and constantly growing,
and rs for dead ads, that's our business.
We have discovered that the people OF
this town can extract more comfort
out of patent medicine ad than from
n two-column sketch by Trollope, and
1t Is our business To please the masses.
A REMINDER. Our birthday occurs
next week Friday-that being our thir-
ty-hfth-and any little reminder sent
IN by the public will be warmly appre-
ciatcd. We stand in need of shirts,
socks, neclttics, collars, etc, and II has
| been suggested that the ladies organize
and contribute To generous outfit.
Some OF our friends declare that, in
view OF what the Kicker has done for
this locality, II purse of 800 should be
| presented to us by the men. We should
| bo thankful, of course, and more thank
ful, If it was made $3.50. An editor
should be modest, however, and wo
! simply throw out these few suggestions
| . Of a1
PS We wear No. ID collar and
tho shirts should be full in the back.
MORE WIND. Prof. Rose, who hit
this town last spring TO get up n class
! in music, and who has been here on his
uppcrs ever since, doesn't like our way
of dealing with him. Because we sug-
gestcd last week that he quit dead
beating and pick up the pick or shovel.
he Is around town calling us Il fugitive
from Justice, and asking why the police
don't do something.
Gently, Professor. When We left
Xenia, o., the sheriff pattcd W. on the
back and lent us half dollar. We arc
the only man in this town who doesn't
turn pale when the stage comes In, and
the only one who doesn't break for
the sage brush when it is announced
that the United States Marshal is here.
We ain't rich or pretty, but We arc
good, and the Professor is barking up
the wrong tree We don't bear him
any ill-will, but the Professor must ro-
tract his statements about us or We'll
dropa line to Pinkcrton asking If Ialler
jim, alias Prof. Rose, isn't wanted
'omcwhcrc. Detroit Free Press.
THE TIN TlNDER-BOx.