The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1888-09-15
HUMOROUS DRIFTWO0D.
Well -handled-Th pump.
The 6ress circle The belt.
Weather report Thunder.

A stabbing case-A dagger's sheath.
A deep mystery-The bed OF the
ocean.
A dark transaction-AA colored we'd
ding.
Trying times-Going to the dress
makers.
Important suit--First jacket and
trousers.
A ticklish position7-That OF a fly on
bald head.
Proper costume for an elopement-A
cutaway jacket.
a very troublesome young lady--Mis-
understood.
"Wbat have you got in the shape Of
| oranges p "Only round ones, slr u
Why is @ clever man like pin Be-
cause his head generally prevents his
going too far.
"William," said an Ohio mother,
| "stop throwing stones You might
hit presidential candidate.'
Mrs. Jones': "Don't trouble to see
me to this door, Mrs. Smith, Mrs:
Smith: ''No trouble; quite pleasure,
assure YOU"
Seedy partv to bartender: Gimme
a gin hzz'' Bartender: Eyes, sir.
Do you want it extra fzzy ?'' Seedy
party: INC: extra g1nny.'
'tToo much absorbed in his business"
| was the comment OF a newspaper on the
death of a brewer who was found
drowned in tank OF his own beer.
| Glow did you begin life p the young
man asked The great man. 81 didn't
begin it, truthfully replied the great
man. ''It was here when got here"
| Lady of tbs house, urging company to
eat: "Please lsslp yourselves. DO just
as you would in your own house. I an
always SO glad when my friends are at
home.''
| Husband: II tell you, my dear, /
don't have any success III business.
I'm afraid baye a Nemesis Wife:
'Weh, why don't you see d doctor
about it %
A country editor wrote at con-
siderable length upon "The Future of
Hog Raising," and rival editor adj
vised him not to be SO anxious 1egard-
ing bis descendants.
( A little girl in a Welsh school. being
asked by the inspector to name the
chief domestic products Of England in
Elizabeth 8 reign, answ cred, Potatoes,
tobacco and tlairty-nine other articles, y
] Young wife: s'Houors See here,
sir, your dog has run Off with q whole
sponge cake / left outside to cool. y
Tramp: Don't Worry, mum. The
dog is tougher shan he looks. He kin
eat anything.
| Mr.. Naudle: doctor, I want you to
put up a powerful sedative for my wife.
Give me the best specific for insomnia
you know Off, Doctor: whats the
| matter? Can't she sleep 2" Mr.. Can-
die: Eyes, l. guess so; but can't
| Young man, TO messenger boy:
! What did the young lady say when
you gave her the flowers % Messen
ger boy: ssShe asked the young fellow
! who was sittip' OF the porch with her
if he didn't want some for q buttonhole
bouquet"
Citizen: "Wen, deacon, / s'pose the
camp meeting was a success ?" Uea-
con, obviously: well, dunno.
There was forty eight converts
"Why, that's glorious ]" ''Ye-es; but
thirty-seven of 'ena owe me yet for root
beer an sandwiches"
Street.car conductor, to countryman:
"If you saw him picking the gentle
man s pocket, why didn't you interfere,
instead Of letting him get away p"
Countryman: Il saw that sign up
there, Beware of Pickpokets,' an,
b'gosh, / was afraid to ~
"They are making q door with five
keyholes,' p said Mrs. Augur. "{That Is
the use of so many p asked Mr.. Augur.
''It will be much easier. to unlock.
Y on can find it much more easily when
you come home late,'' responded tho
kind lady, Rubbish u responded
MIR. Augur. "Idiocy! When come
home late one keynote is about as much
as care to find"
"Great thing, presence Of mlnd,'
said .Greeding; might have been a
rich man to-day, if my presence Of mind
had not failed me once.'' Indeed !?
What was that p asked his friend.
~ on remember nv Uncle George
rich Old duffer You know / am his
heir. Well, sir, I was with him one
* Z, &ol /