St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1888-11-10
cLUrTERBUCK's CONFESSION.

CLUTTERBUCK'S CONFESSION.
Some people may think that it is not
a nice thing for young lady to make a
story out of an incident which happened
lat friends table. where she was
guest, especially as it concerns real peo-
pie who might be recognized. But l
must tell it. And. besides, iJ concerned
me myself most of all.
1t was Christmas dinner at Judge
RObinSon's, who is one of the leading
men OF our town. Among the guests
was Mr.. Clntterbuck. He is well-Otf.
lives at the hotel, and is q regular at
tendant at church. He is young man,
slender in build, and wears rather
ragged. reddish muStache. In manner
he is quite grave. Indeed, were it not
for his fashionable clothes you might
take him for minister. lie is not mar
ried. once heard him say that there
was nothing nicer than to have a loving
wife, unless, possibly, it were having
two; but that to propose man should
lose not only his heart, but also his
head. So people considered him pro-
fesSed bachelor. Pa says he is hook
ish," that is, he reads much. | know
that his learning has often awed me,
but then the awe did not last long, be-
cause l could not help-liking him. We
girls often thought he was a good sub
ject for fun, but in ali our attempts on
him could never be sure but that he
was making fun of us.
He is the hero of this story, and | am
the heroine. So | must tell you little
about myself. My name is Smith. /
know that it is quite common name,
but it is also. quite ancient, for Mr..
Clutterbuck told ME that Tubal Cain,
one of the early members of the race,
was Smith. | am seventeen years
old. Ma thinks l am ''giddy," and tells
me that | must be quieter and more
lady-like; but Mr.. Clutterbuck says that
nature, guided by common sense, is the
best etiquette.
Next to Mr.. Clutterbuck at the dinner
table sat Susan Jones, the daughter of
the minister of neighboring town,
who Was spending the holidays at the
judges. She is nice girl, but very
baShful. 1t was her blunder at the
table that caused this story.
Mr.. Clutterbuck had offered her some
dish, and she said: "Thank you. Mr..
Butterchuck." just had to laugh out.
] couldn't help it, the transposition of
the name sounded so odd. But Mr.. Clut
terbuck said gravely: 1.-The name is
Clutterbuck. l take great pride lit. for
looked through many city directories and
biographical dictionaries before | Sc
lected it," Then !, said: "Why, Mr..
Clutterbuck, what do You mean :? Pee
pie don't select their names. They are
born with them. How did you come to
choose your own name % At first he
was unwilling to explain, but after
some friendly teasing and begging (for
he had excited my curiosity he prom
ised to do so after dinner.
When we had all returned to the par
OF, while the old folks were chatting in
groups, we girls drew Mr.. Clutterbuck
into a corner. throned him on a sofa,.
and gathered about him to hear his
story.
Il confess, young ladies'" he said,
that [ have been long carrying cat
concealed in n bag. | always had fear
that it would escape, for its whiskers,
or its paw. or it's tail was always getting
out. Now, shall set it entirely free.
But since you insist upon it, especially
you, Miss Smith, you must not blame
me for these painful and awful disclos-
ureS.
j Ou lUuSU hilOW llidU ltlC uSc VI Idll-
lily names is of comparatively modern
introduction. 1t was about the end Of
the middle ages that noble families first
began touse family names derived from
their estates; but the plebean and vaster
portion OF mankind only slowly adopted
them. Even in the beginning of this
century the peasants of portions of Ger
many had none; and it can hardly be
said that the Welsh peasants as yet
have any.
whether our family names are
merely the product of social intercourse
and of the growth of language, OF not,
it is certain that no inventive faculty
was exercised in their making. How
poorly they contrast with the names
used by the red Indians, the Australi an
and African aborigines, the ancient
Celts, and the uncivilized races gener-
ally. Their names were full of poetry;
ours are poor. pr0sy, practical, derived
from common, rough trades or unpleas-
ant personal peculiarities, as Smith,
Chandler, Brown, Black, Long. Short,
etc. Just fancy how much more appro-
pirate it would be to call this young
lady, instead of plain Miss Smith. Miss
Dawn of Day, or Miss Light of Our
Eyes, or some such euphuism that
would befit her character and person.
s'Thank you, Mr.. Clutterbuck," |
said. "You almost make me wish that
| were red Indian or an ancient Celt.'
II am glad, indeed, that you are not"
replied Mr.. Clutterbuck, land lest you
should grow into that wish l will no
longer dilate on names. but will tell you
of my own case"
II was born about twenty-five years
ago, and received from my parents the
name of John. besides inheriting the fam
lily name, which was the source of so
much annoyance to me in after life.
Of course | knew nothing OF
the matter then, and had nothing
to say about it-in fact. could
not speak at all; so that was helplessly
at their mercy. 1t was long time be-
fore knew | had a name, especially
such distasteful one. When. in the
course of time, began to notice things,
/ thought my name was tootSy-poOtsy,
because sundry ladies used to take me
in their arms and coo and prattle that
name to ne, and print soft kisses on my
cheeks. And though in later life. [
recognized the Stiffness Of that baby
name, | believe / would have preferred
to bear it rather than the hateful one
which the fate of birth had imposed
upon me.
az first realized my misfortune when
went to school. for my name was so
common that several unfortunate COM
panions also bore it. As a result, we
were confused in the teachers memory,
our merits and dement's were inter
changed, and OH one occasion | was
actually punished for some misdeed OF
one of my namesakes. | often Wept i'll
secret at nv cruel fate.
after l left school and mingled with
the world. my lot became worse. Not
only were my letters miscarried. not
only were my good deeds ascrlbed to
others and their evil ones to me, but |
was constantly made the victim of small
wit, insipid pleasantly, and historic
Jokes. How often. when introduced to
some one, have ] been told: oh, in
deed. your name is quite familiar. sir. l
I, ,fi r 1,af