The Arkansaw traveler., 1888-02-25
TOO PRETTY FOR HIM.

When old Uncle Bold Winchester married Miss May Hsllum, the undis- puted belle of Lukins county, nearly everybody in the neighborhood was surprised. Uncle Bold was pretty well of, it is true, but he is a little, squint-eyed old man, with chuckle like drowning strangle and laugh like the sneeze of goat. About two months after the marriage, old Uncle Bold stopped one day at his wife's mothers house, called the old lady out, and said:
 "Miz Hallum, when'll yorS wagin be over in my ncighborhood2"
 "I don't know in purticuler. Whut makes you wanter know?" \
 "Wall, thought when yore wagin come over that way ag'in you mout tell the driver to stop by an git my wife an fetch her back here. l don't want her."
 "W'y, whut do you mean?" the old lady exclaimed.
 "Putty much whut say. No pur- ticuler hurry about it, but when the wagin does come, wy, tell the driver to stop by an git my wife. Don't furgit it, please. I would send her over myself, but Pm using my hosses haulin' saw logs. Good mornin'."
 When it became known that old Bold wanted to separate from his wife, the people were not only surprised, but indignant, and it was suggested by one of the leaders of society that old Bold be requested to explain his peculiar conduct. The old fellow, when informed that some sort of ex- planation was wanted, promptly made his appearance before the citizens meeting.
 "We wanter know why you don't want your wife no longer" said the chairman. "You tuck the puttyest gal in the neighborhood-don't know how in the world you managed 1t, but you did-an' now, bout the time the honeymoon has reached the first quar- ter, you wanter quit her. Shed lit- tie light on the subjeck, efyou please"
 "Wall, gentlemen," said old Bold, "nothin' gives me mo- pleasure than accommodatin' my neighbors an frien's. Summin' the matter up, gen. tlemen, my wife is too putty to suit me-"
 "Whut" the chairman exclaimed.
 "Too putty fur me-"
 "I don't Understand you. I don't see how any woman ken be too putty"
 q uster didn't, nuthcr, but I do now"
 The chairman reflected a moment and said: "Er leetle mo- light, eff you please"
 "Yas, jest ez much ez you please, gentlemen. I wuz nightly in love with my wife, an love her yit, fur that matter, an I flowed to myself that would spend my old age in a happy sort uv way. Wall, tuck my wife home, I did, an showed her round the place, showed her the pigs an cows an told her that everything she seed wuz jest ez good ez her'n. Wall, everything went along well fur erwhile, but 1t struck me that May tuck too much pains with herself She had some sorter grease that she put on her face. Said that it kept her skin aft. l told her that reckoned her skin would allus be saft enough, an that if I seed any danger uv 1t not be- in, I'd tell her in time. Shortly alter this she skeered me putty nigh ter death. had been to mill an got back late. When she got outen bed am opened the do fur me, was shocked, fur her face wuz ez black ez . wash pot am there wuz green rims to her eyes. May, what on earth is the mat terr I said- Oh she replied, T've got my mask on. have to wear it at night to preserve my complexion.' "fIs thar any danger uv 1t spilin'r l asked. 1b 1t necessary ter put on the wust lookin' skeer-face I ever seed in order to keep yore complexion up to