davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
Stories of Western Life.

His experience of Wetsern life is
as racy as volume of Bret Harte.
Take the following for instance. At
a prairie town not far from his ranch,
as distances 60 in the west, there is a
State court of first instance, presided
over by one Roy Bean, Justice of the
Peace, who is also the owner of the
principal grocery. Some cowboys
had been drinking at the grocery one
night, with the result that one of them
remained on the floor, but with sense
enough left to lie on the side of the
pocket where he kept his dollars. In
the morning it appeared that he had
been "rolled"-Anglice, turned over
and his pocket picked-whereupon a
court was called to try man on whom
suspicion rested. Roy Bean sat on a
barrel, swore in jury, and then ad-
dressed the prisoner thus Now,
you give that man his money back" +"
The culprit, who had sent for the
lawyer of the place to defend him,
hestated for a moment, and then pull.
ed out the money. "You treat this
crowd" we're -Roy's next words; and
while drinks round" were handed
to the delighted cowboys at the prls-
oner's expense, Roy pulled out his
watch and went on : you've got just
five minutes to clear out of this town,
and if ever you como in again we'll
hang you" The culprit made of
just as his lawyer came up, who re-
monstrated with Roy, explaining that
the proper course would have been to
have heard the charge, committed the
prisoner, and sent him to the county
town for trial. And 60 off sixty miles
and hang round with the boys [wit.
nesses] for you to pull the skunk
through and touch the dollarsp said
Roy scornfully; whereupon the law
yer disappeared in pursuit of his cli-
ent and unpaid fee.
1t occurs to one to ask how much
of the litigation of England might be
saved if judges Of first instance might
open with Roy's formula-"Now you
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
Business in Utopia.

Jacob Schneider and Heinrich
Baumgarten, two honest, hard-work-
ing Germans, settled on the clear fork
Of Sandles, in Gonzales county, about
the year 1S4S. They picked up some
little knowledge of the English Ian
guage from their scattered neighbors,
and in 1850 were inoculated with the
customs of the people.
Schneider sold horse to Baumgar-
ten on six months credit, and got a
neighbor to draw up the note for the
money. Baumgarten signed the note
and then said to Schneider, "Vat
must do NIT desc note ?"
Schneider said you geeps der
note, den you nose ven you must bays
me-"
Baumgarten said: "Dot ish goot. "
At the end of six months Baum.
garten brought the money and the
note to Schneider and paid him the
money, and said: "Now, you dakes
de note, den you all times nose de
money ish paid. FIX.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
A Valuable Railroad.

A witness in the Wayne Circuit
Court, says the Detroit Free Press,
recently was trying to say something
mean about cirtain railroad, one of
the directors of which was interested
in the other side of the case from
that which controlled his synpathies.
The witness was one of those who
always maintain their equilibrium, no
matter how mad the lawyer becomes
at their perverseness. In this case
the witness was not only good-natur-
ed, but being of keen perception and
ready of wit.
"a moment ago." questioned the
attorney, "you framed your reply to
my question in such way as to re-
fleet discredit, not only upon the
board Of directors of this railroad,
but on the road as we'll. What do
you know about this road, anyway ?"
Excuse my frankness. but con-
slider that it principally consists of
two streaks of rust and a right OF
way" replied the witness instantly.
1.-TWO streaks Of rust, and-Oh,
you do, eh ?"
eyes, the road runs from Hard
scrabble nortbcrly into space among
pine stumps. | telegraphed my wife
recently, who was waiting for me at
one end of the line, from the other
end, to meet Inc on the next train. l
took the next train all right, but
when / reached the end of the line /
found that she had procured divorce
from me on the ground of desertion."
"That's all, Mr.. H." said the dis
gusted attorney. "You can 60. ]
have heard all that sort of stuff |
care to hear"
"John Jones, take n seat in the
jury box" shouted court officer.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
How General Grant had his own Way

now Ceneral oranI nau nlb own Wdy.
A man who visits New York and
keeps his ears open is sure of hearing
something worth remembering. Here
is one of the results in my own
case. and they were all gathered in an
after-dinner talk among some of the
old soldiers:
1t will be remembered that at the
time of the Confederate surrender the
officers and men were placed under a
parole of honor and at the same time
were permitted to retain their side
arms and horses. Grant was great
lover of billiards and remarkably
fine player. Shortly after the war,
while at the National Hotel, in Wash
ington, engaged in game with Cen
eral Rawlins, his Chief of Staff, a
Major in the regular army entered and
advancing to General Grant whisper
ed a message in his ear. "All right |"
was the simple rejoinder overheard
by two gentlemen at an adjoining ta-
BILE lone of whom is my informant,
"I'll 60 at once" Laying down his
cue, he said: "Rawlins, I'm going to
the War Department please wait
till l return" Accompanied by the
officer referred to, the General mo-
ment afterwards was riding hurriedly
up Pennsylvania avenue.
On arriving at the department he
went straight to the Office of Secretary
Stanton, and brushing by the porter
opened the door. Evidently some
thing was weighing on his mind that
had to be settled right then and there.
Two or three persons were present,
but not needing them, he walked di-
rectly to the desk at which Stanton
was sitting, and said: "Mr. Secretary,
| understand that you are about to
issue orders for the arrest of Generals
Lee, Johnston and other officers of
the late Confederate army. Is that
so, sir ?"
eyes, sir, am preparing those Or
ders now, and shall send them out at
once"
"You will do nothing of the kind,
Mr.. Stanton. When those officers
surrendered, it was under parole, and so
far as l know, it has been religiously
observed, and they must not be dis
turbed." Grant looked the Secretary
squarely in the eye, and his lips were
fixed as they were wont to be in the
heat of battle. Stanton seemed thun-
derstruck at the audacity of the man
who dared to beard the lion in his
lair, and with the choler rising in his
face, exclaimed: "Do you know who
you are talking to, sir am the
Secretary of War, and my orders are
to be obeyed." "And !, sir" replied
Grant with emphasis equally strong
and not to be misunderstood, cam the
General of the army, and that order
shall not be obeyed while am in
command"
Without another word he turned
on his heel and left the room. 1t is
unnecessary to add that Stanton took
no further steps in the matter, and
the Confederates were permitted to 60
their way according to the agreement.
There never was any warmth be-
tween the two officials after this oc-
currence.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

give that man his money back" /
am bound to add that his practice is
not without its seamy side. When
the railway was making, two men
came in from one of the gangs for a
warrant. A brutal murder had been
committed. Roy told his clerk 1.-THE
boy in the grocery, he being no pen
man himself ] to make out the paper,
asking-"Wot's the corpse's name?"
"Li Hung" was the reply.
"Hold on !" he shouted to his clerk;
and then to the pursuers-"Ef you
ken find anything in them books
pointing to the two or three supplied
by the State, "about killing a China
man, it ken 60" and the pursuers had
to travel on to the next fount of JUS
tice.
Please find room for one more and
l will promise to cut my next shorter.
My "loaf-brother" heard it himself
as he was leaving Texas and laughed
at it nearly all the way up. A Agroup
Of cowboys at the station were discuss
ing the problem how long the world
would last if this drouth went on, the
prevailing sentiment being that they
would rather it worruted through
somehow. A cowboy down on his
luck here struck on: "Wall, if the
angel stood right thar" pointing
across the room, "ready to sound, and
looked across at me, I'd just say,
'Gabe, toot your old horn. "-Lon-
don Spectator.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

He was getting thoroughly despond
ent, and one evening, after his wife
had treated him to unusually large
slice Of her mind, he said:
"Well, Maria, | have stood thi:
about as long as | can; | have about
made up my mind to go and throw
myself in the lake."
Don't you do it, john" was the
reply. "Gracious knows there's sick,
ness enough comes from that lake wa
ter ready."-Burlington Free Press
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Were going to have some ANA
teur thcatricals for the benefit of our
society,"" said Brown; "do you think
that Biggs would take part p ex-
claimed Fogg; guess you don't know
Bigss. No, sir, he wouldn' take a
part; he'd want the whole or moth
ing. Nothing halfway about Biggs."
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Scientists say that the savage has a
more acute sense of smell than civil
lied people. When two savages get
together how they must suffer !-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

death has played a dirty trick on
this town." says an Arizona paper,
"by sneaking in upon us and bearing
off the only bartender who knew how
to mix Tom and Jerry to circulate
through the system. ."-Ex'
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Old Gent see that at tho base
ball game yesterday the home club
put in its strongest battery.
Old Lady-You don't tell me. |
wonder what they'll do with electricity
next.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

A Duluth tailor had his sewing ma
chine stolen while he was using it and
never saw the thief. To the skeptic
this may not seam sew. The needle
would have seen him had it not a
thread in its eye.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

There is a question about the valid
ity of a marriage by telephone, but
we should think any level-headed
Judge would decide that it is Sound
proposal.-Norristown Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

A young negro boy in the house
hold of New Orleans family was
overheard by his mistress, while re-
citing his evening prayer, to say,
"Forgive us our precipices and lead
us not onter plantation. FIX.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

According to- the fitness of railway
things, it seems as if the baggage
master should be called the brakeman.
Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
Advertising Rates.

Business Cards, one year, one dollar per line.
Local notices, among local reading matter, ten
'ents per line for each insertion.
Business notices, ve cents per lne sach insertion.
Births, Marriages and Deaths free.
Obituaries, Resolutions, Cards Of Thanks, etc,
at adYcriuins rates.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

The forger loves to write with a
steal pen.-The Colonel.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

A Kentucky man who was on his
way to Niagara Falls, and got laid
over by an accident, telegraphed on
to see if the falls operated on Sunday
the same as otherdays. He was much
gratified when informed that business
continued right along every day in
the year-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Never pick quarrel before il is
ripe.-Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

An Iowa woman thoughtfully put
two dozen eggs in her nice, warm bed
to keep them from freezing while she
spent the afternoon and evening with
a friend. Returning late at night
she disrobed and plunged ink.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

At negro wedding, when the min
lister read the words, 'love, honor and
obey" the groom interrupted him and
said: "Read that agin, sab read it
wunce mo-, SOS de lady kin ketch de
full solemnity of de meaning. Use
been married befo'." ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

When Landseer, the great animal
painter, was introduced to the King
of Portugal, the latter, whose knowl-
edge of English was strictly limited,
welcomed him with. 81 am delighted
to make your acquaintance, Mr..
Landseer-I am so fond of beasts. -
Ex
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Sitter Gin position for photograph
BY the way, what do you charge
for photographs?
Photographer-Nine dollars the
half dozen. Now let your eyes rest
on that sign. "Terms Cash." and
look pleasant.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

Daughter-"Father, did you really
kick George, as you threatened to do?'
Old mani did"
"Oh father, how could you You
have broken his heart"
"No, / haven't. | didn't come
anywhere near his heart" ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22

gratified when informed that business
continued right along every day in
the year.-Ex.
Men may talk about their love for
the old homestead, and women may
prattle about its memories being
wound around their hearts, but We
have noticed that there is nothing
clings to itso closely MS a good healthy
mortgage. II never loses its interest,
in the old place.-Fall River Advance
"Where do you get this bread p
asked a fastidious man of one of the
darkies who peddles chicken sand.
wiches in front of the Monmouth Park
Hotel.
"At de bakers, sah," replied the
man in evident alarm ."but fo' dc
Lawd's sake don't ak me whar ! gifts
dc chicken New York Sun.
A little colored boy went to a
butchers stall, in Austin, and said tc
the butcher:
81 say, boss, glib me little chunk
of meat for our dog"
"All right, black face and shiny
eye," said the butcher good naturedly
eyes, boss, but don't glib me sich q
tuff piece as yer did the last time
My fodder mos broke his jaw tryin
to chaw it."-Texas Siftings.
80 you always manage to put uT
with your Tartar of a wife Z" "Oh
yes We have lots Of fun together
"How is that ?" "Well, you see, my
wife, when she gets into a passion, il
in the habit of throwing at me any
thing that comes in her way. Every
time she hits me, she is pleased, and
every time she misses me, i am pleas
cd and thus we are never short oi
amusement. ."--Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
Lv. Bay City,

Time Card in Eject Nov. 2otb, 1887.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-02-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
The fQrger loves to write with
steal pen.-The Colonel.
Never pick quarrel before il ]
ripe.-Burlington Free Press.
According to- the fitness of railwa
things, it seems as if the baggag
master should be called the brakeman
Star.
Scientists say that the savage has
more acute sense of smell than civil
lied people. When two savages g
together how they must suffer !-Bo'
ton Transcript.
There is a question about the valic
ity of a marriage by telephone, bu
we should think any level-heade
Judge would decide that it is "sound
roposal.-Norristown Herald.
Old Cent see that at tho bas
ball game yesterday the home clu
put in its strongest battery.
Old Lady-You don't tell me.
wonder what they'll do with electricit
next.-Ex.
A Duluth tailor had his sewing ms
chine stolen while he was using it an
never saw the thief. To the skepti
this may not seam sew. The needl
would have seen him had it not
thread in its eye.-Ex.
death has played a dirty trick o
this town." says an Arizona pape
"by sneaking in upon us and bearin
off the only bartender who knew ho'
to mix Tom and Jerry to circulat
through the system" ."-Ex'
A young negro boy in the hous'
hold of New Orleans family wa
overheard by his mistress, while r'
citing his evening prayer, to sa,
Forgive us our precipices and lea
us not onter n plantation. FIX.
An Iowa woman thoughtfully pit
two dozen eggs in her nice, warm be
to keep them from freezing while sh
spent the afternoon and evening wit
friend. Returning late at nigh
she disrobed and plunged ink.
Sitter Gin position for photograph
BY the way, what do you charg
for photographs a?
Photographer-Nine dollars th
half dozen. Now let your eyes res
on that sign. "Terms Cash." an
look pleasant.-Ex.
At negro wedding, when the mil
lister read the words, love, honor an
obey" the groom interrupted him an
said: "Read that agin, sab read
wunce mo-, SOS de lady kin ketch d
full solemnity of de meaning. rs
been married befo'. '."-Ex.
Daughter-"Father, did you reall
kick George, as you threatened to do?
Old mani did"
"Oh father, how could you ! Yo
have broken his heart"
"No, | haven't. | didn't com
anywhere near his heart" ."-Ex.
When Landseer, the great anima
painter, was introduced to the Kin
of Portugal, the latter, whose know
edge of English was strictly limited
welcomed him with, 81 am delighte,
to make your acquaintance, MI
Landseer-I am so fond of beasts.
Elk.
A Kentucky man who was on hi
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1888-01-07
A Sunerior Man.

St. Peter" Who comes here"
4 A reporter"
"How long did you work at the bust
ness ~
about three months"
" Did you think you were the best man
on the force?'
"No."
"Never thought you could write edi-
torial matter better than the editor? '
"No."
Never kicked on an assignment p
"No.p
Didn't think you had too much work
for your salary?'
"No."
Ever run in any Shakespeare or poetry
IN your articles?"
"NoY
g Did yOu ever scoop anybody ~
i Did you ever think you could run the
local department much better than the
city EDITOR"
"No."
"Was perfectly satisfied of the fact that
the paper would be published if you should
take n notion to resign"
d" Yes"
"Did you ever tell any of the boys how
You would conduct the paper if you had
charge Of it ?7
"No."
" Here, take my place. find myself
overawed by the weight Of your superior
intellect. You may take the keys You
are the only specimen of your race" Ohio
State Journal
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1888-01-07
Demanding Husbands.

Chaste and modest as the ideal woman
of chivalry was, the social need of marri-
age was so great that no lady thought it
shame to demand husband of her seign-
eur Helissent, daughter of Yon de Gas
coigne, came to the court of Charlemagne
saying: "My father has been dead these
two months, and demand from you a hus-
band" Also La Belle Argentine, "qli q
le ckies blond ct est plus blanche que sirene,"
wife of Guy de Nanteuil, came to the
mestier" The Duchess de Bourgoyne says
in Girdrs di Viane, My husband is just
dead, but to what good to mourn? Since
the time of Moses some live and others
die. Find me powerful husband, for
have need of one to defend my land"
The King gives her to Gerard de Niane,
then looking at her and finding her genie ct
dces1aee, he keeps her for himself Helis-
sent, dame de Ponthieu, widow of a
month, is told to prepare herself to be
married to Fremont, by her brother Bald
win de Flandre "!Sire, diStelle, 81 terai 10
pidisir" Without moments delay, her
brother takes her par Ie pOia9" and gives
her to Fremont, and they are married
then and there, and have "much laughter
and joy" Charlemagne married en- bloc
all the widows of his barons who had been
killed in the Spanish war And later,
Sponsors four knights were scarcely after
the ideal pattern:
:. Druon's delight was all for single life,
And unto ladies' loves would tend no leisure
The more was Claribell engaged rife
I With fervebt flames, and loved out of measure;
So exc loved Blandamour, but yet at pleasure
Would change his likings and new le1nans prove;
And Paridell of love did make no treasure,
But lusted after all that did him move,
So diyersely these four disposed were to love"
-Fortni9htly Reriew.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1888-01-07
NOTES OF SCIENCE.

The first recorded photograph of rain
bow has been exhibited to the Photo
graphic Association of London The arch
has the appearance of something solid
like an arch of wood
The common puff-ball very strikingly
illustrates the rapidly with which fungi
may multiply. 1t is said that 300 years
would be required for man to count the
spores of a single ball, if possible to con-
tinue counting day and night for that
time. Yet favorably-planted spore will
produce plant as large as the double fist
in single night.
His Majesty Leopold H., King of Bel
GUM, has authorized a great international
competition in the arts and sciences, to be
held in Brussels from May 8, 1888, to No
vember 3, 1888. Special inducements are
offered to American exhibitors, and re-
wards and prizes to the amount of 100000
francs, besides gold and silver medals, will
be given to successful competitors.
BY the methods adopted by C. v Boys,
the British physician, glass rods are drawn
into very fine tibers by straw arrows shot
from cross-bow. One end of the rod is
attached to the arrow, and the other is
held in the fingers, the required tempera-
ture being given the center of the rod be-
fore releasing the bow Glass is thus ex-
tended into fibers less than one-ten thou
sandths of an inch in diameter, and quartz
into threads below one hundred thou
sandth of an inch in thickness-whicb is
less than one-third as thick as the spiders
web, and only one-twentieth as thick as
the silk worms fiber. The process is also
quite successful with augite, feldspar and
other minerals, garnet yielding threads of
most beautiful colors when treated at a
low temperature. At the reading of his
recent most interesting paper concerning
these fine fibers, Mr.. Boys exhibited to the
London Physical Society an annealed glass
spiral capable Of quite accurately weighing
the milllonth of a grain.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1888-01-07

DAMAGE BY FUNGI-The injuries which
parasitic fungi produce upon their host
plants were described in the American
Association by A. r. Seymour Parasites
take away the nutriment of the plants,
killing or continually absorbing the food
supply Of individual cells and iniuring cell
walls. They impair the power of assimila-
ton, weaken the physiological power, caus-
ing the formation of spots and of black
molds to obstruct the passage of light.
Some fungi cause change of position in
their host, and less favorable exposure.
They provoke abnormal acceleration or re-
tardation of growth, with resultant distor-
ton and impaired vitality. Any part OF
the plant may be affected. In many grasses
the entire inforescence is destroyed. De-
cay is produced in ripe fruits, and valuable
plants become infected with disease from
less valuable ones. The extent of the in
jury attributable to any one cause is hard
to determine, because several causes act to-
gether.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1888-01-07

SEASON FOR TREE PLANTING The
Florida Agicultlrist speaking of the best
time to plant trees, says: "Our spring
begins about January 18th, consequently
trees should be planted, if possible, a
month before that time in order that they
may have root growth to sustain foliage
and the evaporation from leaf growth.
Again, we usually have considerable rain
about Christmas time, trees early planted
will get the benefit of those rains. Trees
planted in December will make twice the
growth the first year that trees planted in
March will, also the percentage of loss is
very small compared with late planting.
Late planting is one of the causes of so
much failure with Japan persimmons.
Plant them early, put food near the roots
such as 1t can appropriate; settle them
when planting, with water ! would
make the orange tree an exception to the
foregoing. Plant after the winter is over;
possibly, if planted before, your labor may
be lost with your trees"