The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-07-26
NEWSPAPER HUMOR.
WRITTEN WITH A SIX DOLLAR PAIR OF
SHEARS.

|
SHEARS.
"Wanted-A plain cook" reads an
advertisement. Wonder whose wife
put that in the paperP
The passion for antiquities is on the
increase, but old ladies are not apprecia-
ted more highly than ever. Neither
are mothers-in-law.
Papa" said his little girl, aged six
years and nine months, "Why do you
say step-daughterp Is it because she
has been trodden uponP"
The fashion editor wrote, "Boas are
fashionable among young ladies" but
the intelligent compositor had 1t next
day, Boys are" etc.
1t is singular fact that man who is
second in command at home always
wants to rule the whole of creation
when he gets outside his yard gate.
HE seems to have been shot IN the
diaphragm, " said the doctor. 'Oh non'
exclaimed the weeping wife, "he was
shot in the lower end of the saloon"
The editor of an Illinois daily paper
says that he does not depend upon
journalism for his daily bread, but raises
hens. Wonder whose hens he RAISES. u
There is one reason why type-setting
machines ought to become very popular
with editors. They cannot yell copy
Rome Sentinel. Nor the devil take it.
New York has Female Bible So.
ciety." female bibles may possess some
advantage over the old bible. but we
doubt it, Sex in the Scripture is al
wrong.
A writer in an Irish newspaper, after
mentioning the wreck of a vessel, re.
joices that all the crew were saved, eX.
cept four hogsheads of molasses.
Whiskey is an antidote for snake bites
and when a Texan man sits on prickly
pear all the argument on earth wont
persuade him that snake didn't bite
him.
1--WE ent an impetus !" shouts a con
temporary. Somebody should place an
inverted tack on his chair. 1t goes
right to the spot every time; and if nc
impetus, no pay.
Mr.. Hugg of Morristown is constantly
afflicted by the girls of his vicinity who
insist on remarking whenever they see
him, Go away, sir! shan't do it, yor
| ridiculous creature"
A farmer writes to the local news
paper complaining of the low price o.
dairy produce, and adds-'1t doesn
pay for the wear and tear of the hen
The price of eggs is ridiculousw
1--WE had short-cake for tea," said {
little girl to neighbours boy to whom
she was talking through the fence. ''SC
did we," he answered; very short
so very short it didn't go round"
A negro was put upon the stand as &
witness inquired if he understood the
nature of an oath. For certing, boss,
said the citizen; IF swears to lie
must stick to him."
ma thinks great deal of you,
fancy" said little girl to physician
"Why do you fancy that my child?'
Because / heard her say she thought
you vast near so big fool as the othel
old humbug."
"If Ihave ever used any unkind words
Hannah" said Mr.. Smiley, refectively
II take them all back" Eyes, sup.
pose you want to use them over again, y
was the not very soothing reply New
Haven Register.
Mrs. Shoddy's views are interesting
to those thinking of keeping a carriage
She says she has thought it all over,
and come to the conclusion that brooches
are almost too large, and that these re
commons are too shut IN, but that a nice
stylish pony-phaeton is just the thing.