davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05
An Absent Minded Man Indeed
Portland Argus.

For absent mindedness a citizen of
Bangor Me, is certainly entitled to the
wreath. Not long since he severely injur-
ed one of his fingers and was advised to
poHltice it. Preparing a poultice he ap-
piled it carefully to the deceased member
(as he thought, and went about his bust
ness as usual. Soon, however, the finger
began to pain him in an unusually severe
manner and he could not account for it
until he made close examination of his
hand, took hold of the member that pain
ed him, when he found that the poultice
was on the wrong finger.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

The London correspondent of the New
York Herald draws copiously on Mrs.
Acland's recently published notes on
America. She says:
There is one characteristic of the
American Democracy which should not be
passed over, and that is its tendency to
hero worship. Politics are much more
matter of persons than of princi pies,
and the leader of political party is a
hero to his followers and a monster 10
opponents. From heroes to heroines is a
short step, and the Presidents charming
wife is worshiped and set on pedestal as
the first lady Of the land. If all hero
worship took such harmless form as
this latest development there would be
little to be said against it, but it is sig
nifcant that it should spring up in the
Oldest and most conservative democracy
in the world, and Is one more proof of
the ineradicable tendency of human ma
ture to find some one to look up to and
admire, however scupulously the door,
may be shut against an aristocracy.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

''I'II have to ask you for an increase in
my salary" said a Pittsburg clerk to his
employer this morning. 'Why, you had
an advance the first of the year." II
know; but you see my wife is attending
some cooking lectures and cooking &C
cording to receipts"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

No man gets on in the Christian life by
accident. There Is no such thing as hap
hazard. If man advance in the Chris E.
ian life rapidly and nightly, it is be-
cause he employs certain means and does
certain things in order TO gain those
Observation-Disclosures
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05
GRAND RAPIDS WISCONSIN.

Four hundred dollars week has been
offered the New York city government
for the privilege of raking in the gar
bage scows for odds and ends that may
have found their way there. 1t is said to
be SO profitable an occupation that even
at this high figure fortunes are made IN
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

up by certain committees in some cases
particulariz'ng the bills to be considered.
After, considerable fIlbustering the reso-
luton was agreed to and the house ad-
journed.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

Advices from Rangoon say that the
town of Myingyan, an important mill
tary post in upper B urrnan, has been de-
stroyed by fire. It is believed the fire
was started by incendiaries. Fifteen
thousand persons are left without homes
and an immense quantity of grain, hides,
and other property was Destroyed.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

~-"Grandpa," inquired Johnny Bliss
'must everybody die?" "Yes, my child
every one in this world must die when
his time comes" "Well,-long pause
"shat To like to know is, who'll bury the
last man!n
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05
Officers Set Out to Escort the Absconders
Hnmn

RALEIGH, n. c., March 30.-The district
attorney with the chief CT police of this
city left here this afternoon &c bring back
from Toronto Cross and White, the alb
scondipg officers of the late National
bank. They are in custody there.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05
THE POSTAL SERVICE.

Statement of the Postmaster General in Re
gard to Expenses.
WAsHINGToN.-The postmaster general
in his revised estimates of the postal e1-
pense says TIE large and continuing
growths in the postal business neccessi
tate considerable increase. The item
for the hire of clerks in postoffice has in
creased to S6,00O,00O. The estimate fo1
rent, light and fuel for postofnces has
increased to $4,000. The estimate fo1
free delivery service has increased to a
total of S6,000,000 Touching the spec
ial facilities in the railway mail service
the post master general says in his new
view special appropriations do not con-
ducs to the advantage of the service for
the reason that these are non sufficient
for the proper distribution.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05

Collector for the heather -"Is Mr.
Jones at home?" Mrs. Jones-''He is
down in the cellar trying to fix the fur
mace. 1t won't draw. Shall I call him
up?" Collector (hurriedlyj-"O, no, I'll
call some other time"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1888-04-05
MONDAY, April 2.

Senate-The house bill to give a
pension of $4,000 per year to the widow
of General Logan was, on the motion of
Mr.. Davis, passed. The Memphis bridge
bill, with the senate amendment, proyid-
ing for foot aud wagon way, was passed.
The senate then resumed as unfinished
business the house bill for the purchase
of United States bonds by the secretary
of the treasury, the question being on
the motion TO recommit the bill.
Sen. Stewart moved to recommit with
instructions to the committee to report
without delay a separate bill allowing
owners of gold and silver bullion to de-
posit the same and receive coin certifi-
Gates therefor. Sen. Thurman opposed
the motion. Sen. Mcpherson said the
proposition of Sen. Stewart meant
free coinage OF silver and nothing else.
After some further discussion Sen.
Stewart withdrew his amendment and
without action the senate adjourned.
House Mr.. Mills, chairman of the
committee on ways and means, reported
the Mills tariff bill and it was referred
to the committee of the whole. Mr..
Mckinley, of Ohio, submitted the minority
report which was ordered printed.
Mr.. Grain, of Texas, moved to sus pend
the rules and put upon its passage the
joint resolution proposing constitu-
tional amendment changing tie time of
the annual meeting of congress. The
motion was lost Mr.. Randall from
the committee on rules reported
the resolution designating certain
DAYS ard evenings sessions for
the consideration Of measures to be called
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
The Fakir's Harvest.

A short time ago quack expert
mented in Lambeth with considerable
success upon the pockets of an awe.
stricken crowd. After a preliminary
harangue and a terse little lecture on
the viscera, which the charletan
sketched in colored crayons upon a
blackboard on which the human skel-
eton was outlined in white paint, the
fellow came to business. II am going
to demonstrate to you," said he, "by
startling experiment upon one of
you bystanders, that my miraculous
remedy can cure all diseases of the
lungs and chest. Now, whoever's got
a bad cough or cold on the chest let
him stand forward" There was some
hesitation and good deal of giggling.
Don't be afraid, my friends" said
the quack "it's all free, gratis, for
nothing. Let any afflicted person
come forward and I'll show him the
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
We" are Laid Up.

The next issue of the Arizona Kick
er (if there is one) will contain the
following double-leadsd explanation
"We owe an apology to the patrons
of the Kicker for its non-appearance
last week. Several low-down cusses,
like old Jim Whitefish and Steve
Baylock, have remarked that We
might skip half dozen publication
days and nobody in this section would
ever notice it, but We know better.
We know that the Kicker is looked
for each Thursday by its subscribers
as anxiously as old Pete Whitcomb
looked for help when grizzly bear
played ball with his carcass down in
Red Dog Canyon last summer.
eve are not rich. We are prepar-
ed to roll in the lap of luxury on
short notice, and with neatness and
dispatch, but the time hasn't come
yet. Not being rich, We are Our
own compositor, pressman, local and
editor. Last week, Saturday, while
We were engaged in setting up an
article on the increase of gophers, for
our outside, our Office was invaded by
a couple of jim dandy hyenas of the
lowest type named Sutton and Smith.
The following map will enable our
friends to grasp the situation by the
back of the neck.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

nature of his disorder and give him a
packet Of my lung healer for moth
ing" AT last a man with violent
cold and cough came forward. The
quack doctor pretended to sound his
chest with stethoscope of almost
pantomimic proportions and informed
the staring crowd that the patient was
in a galloping consumption.
"My friend" said the quack to the
unfortunate victim, $50 terrible is this
disease that you can actually see it,"
He handed glass tube to the patient
and then poured pint of clear water
into large tumbler. "Just you blow
into that water, my friend" said the
quack. The man obeyed, and the
water grew discolored, turbid, and at
last as white as if it had been mixed
with milk. The patient himself be-
came as pale as ashes. "This unhap-
py man, my friends" said the quack,
as he held the glass on high, "if he
hadn't had the good fortune to come
across me tonight, wouldn't have been
long for this world. I should have
given him about fortnight, that's
all. Now package of my lung heal
er will cure him. What you see in
the glass of water are his vitiated hui
mors, the products of corruption.
My magic lung healers destroy these
humors in the body or out of the
body. Observe, my friends, watch
me carefully; there is 10 deception
here" The quack dropped pinch
from one Of the packets of powders
into a glass and directed the patient
to stir it with the tube. The water
became Immediately clear. Then he
reaped his harvest. The water was
lime water and the carbonic acid in
the mans breath naturally threw
down the carbonate of lime at once
and rendered the water turbid. And
the miraculous lung healer was slmp-
ly a little citric acid and sugar. which
instantly redisolved it.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

1-Stove.
2-We.
3-Office towel.
4-Sutton.
5-Smith.
Neither of the hyenas was person.
ally known to Us. We took them
for couple of tenderfeet from Illi-
nois, looking to open in busines here.
We left the case at which we were at
work and approached them with a
smile on our brow. We may not be
a Chesterfield at the free lunch coun-
ter of a red front saloon. but when it
comes to receiving a stranger who
may give us a half.column advertise
ment for six menths (see fourth page
for advertising rates. We think we
know our business.
ut seems that in our article of two
weeks ago, on the necessity of orns-
menting the trees in this locality with
scoundrels, We pointed out these two
purps as good ones to begin with.
They took umbrage at Our remarks
and had been laying for Us. Well,
knowing that although We have been
consumptive for years, and that our
weight has run down to eighty-nine
pounds, We never let any one wipe
their feet on our coat-tails and get
away, they dared take no chances.
"The following map shows how
things changed in about a minute:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

A Deadwood (Dakota) husband
published this notice: "My wife Sa-
rah, has Shot my rancho. When !
didn't doc thing Too hur an want
it distinctly Understood that any man
That takes hur in and keers fur hur
On my account will get himself pump
ed so Full Of lead that some tender
foot will locate him fur Mineral
clame. A word to the wise Is suffi.
cient, and orter work on fools. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
"Ex perience may be dear teacl

Experience may be a dear teach
err" remarked clergyman as the
contribution box was returned to him
empty, "but the members of this par.
ticular flock who have experienced re-
ligion have accomplished it at very
trifling cost. The choir will sing the
seventy-ninth hymn, emitting the
first, third, and fourth verses in order
to save unnecessary wear on the or
gan."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

The other day an old squatter came
to the city and attended divine serv-
ices at fashionable church. The
old fellow listened with a rapt atten-
tion to the sermon, occasionally nod
ding in approval or shaking his head
in uncertainty. When the man with
the contribution box approached, the
squatter asked:
whats up?"
ave are taking up collection for
the heather, and as you seemed to be
so much interested in the sermon,
didn't know but you would like to
give few dimes"
whats the matter with the heath
EN- ?"
"Why, he doesn't know ANYTHING
about the gospel, and We want to raise
money enough to send it to him."
"Well, l tell yer. don't think he
will spile before mornin' I've hoss
swap on han, and eff ken get 'nough
boot, come around and well sorter
look inter the matter"
"But, my friend, the heaIhen chile
ren need clothes" ;"
$50 does mine, by jingo. Bill amt
worn nuthin' but n shirt fer over six
months, and haster stay outcn per-
lite s'ciety; Ike's got Il vacancy in
his britches biggern yer hat, an Jake
haster stay under the house when II
stranger comes, case he got his clothes
scorched durin' hog KILN. Come
around arter the swap, fur don't
think the heather will spile fore
morning."-Arkansaw Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Young ladies who will not marry
when they have chance Miss it,
Elk. No doubt of it. But what are
they to do. When one accepts an
offer she Mrs. it too.-Boston Post.
And if she Mrs. it, what oddsi
Her Joys it might enhance,
And if she'd Miss it, folks wo'd weep
Because she'd Mr.. chance.
Merchant Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Wife (to unhappy husband)-"I
wouldn't worry, John it doesn't dc
any good to borrow trouble Hus-
band-"Great Caesar, my dear, ain't
borrowing trouble; I've got it to
lend. Epoch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?'
said Philadelphia wife to the hus-
band who had come home intoxicated
"You are not only disgracing yourself
and family, but the children are SO
disgusted with you that they shudder
every time they pass saloon
at is all right, my DEAR" meekly
replied the partially sobered hus-
band. "It's all right. I'm making
a horrible example of myself just to
save the children. I'm afraid the
boys can't stand as much as / can,
and if my conduct disgusts them with
liquor just think how much cheaper
it is to have one drinking instead OF
three. ."-Philadelphia Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

"May have the pleasure of seeing
you home p bashfully asked report
er of the Pittsburgh Chronical
Certainly" she graciously replied
There is a high hill just in front Of
the house, or, if you prefer it, you
can climb a big tree in the COW lot
Go anywhere where you can get a
good view.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
3
/. The Colonel.
2. Office towel.
3 We.

1t was the most villianous outrage
since the days of Troy. We are slow.
ly getting better. AS soon as We arc
on Our feet again We shall issue the
Kicker regularly. Now is the time
to subscribe. Next issue will be a
hummer, and our citizens should take
10000 extra copies and send them all
over the East to boom the town.-Ex
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Judge-Have you statement to
make? Prisoner-No, your honor
l don't want to commit myself. Judge
-I'll do the committing. Ninety
days, sir.-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
/. 2. 3.

Sutton.
I've.
3-Smith.
1t will be Observed that We were
in the center of the gang, where We
could strike out each way. The re-
bellion lasted about four minutes, at
the end Of which time the pirates de-.
parted and left Us lying on the floor.
We were tired. There was also some
difficulty with our vision, as we'll rs
with some of our teeth. Every step
taken in the investigation up to this
time leads to the belief that We were
licked. We had been lying there
over an hour, when Colonel Hillyer
came in to renew his subscription and
discovered Us. Some men would
have picked Our pocket, but the Col,
onel did not. The following map
shows the conclusion of the rebellion:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

A Texas man got mad because q
waiter handed him napkin the 9TH
er day. He said he "reckoned he
know'd when to use a han'kerchier
without havin' no hints thrown out. "
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

A driver Of street car recently
called out to green conductor
Switch off," and instantly nineteen
out of the twenty women in the Cal
put their hands quickly to the back Of
their heads.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

She-"John, what is a coast.wise
steamer RI" He-"One that knows
how to keep off the rocks, darling"
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

We suppose that lady who has a
little daughter named pearl" would
be mother of pearl.-Drake's Maga-
zine.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Old woman--"Will yez have a
drink of buttermilk ?"
Old man-"Av course, but you dc
not call this it, do you ?"
Old woman-"It came from the
goat" New Haven News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

The lobster is like some authors.
He is never red until he gets into hot
water.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
Advertising Rates.

sanness Cards, one year, one dollar per line.
Local notices, among local reading matter, ten
ionts per linz for each insertion.
business notices. Ave cents per lIno each insertion
Births, Marriages and Deaths free.
ontuaries. Rosolutions, Cards Of Thanks eto.
At advcrtisipg rates.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Miss Admiration-General, were
you ever mixed up in many engage
ments
General-Quite q number; but !
fortunately escaped with being mar
ried but once.-Waterbury.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Leaning inclination. Sir Robert
Peel, speaking of Lord Eldon, said
"that even his failings leaned to vir-
tues side )" upon which a bystander
observed, that his Lordship's failings
resembled the leaning tower of Pisa,
which in spite of its long inclination
had never yet gone over.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Don't be fool, my dear" remon.
strated a husband to his wife, who
was letting her jaw swing loose in the
breeze.
"I won't, Mr.. Jenkins, l won't,
she answered "people wouldn't know
us apart if | did"
He went right down town.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

"The car is full of alumni whis-
pered Miss Beekonstreet to her friend
from the west, as they both journeyed
Cambridgeward in the horse car.
"Yes," said the Chicago girl, "and
how it chokes one up, don't it?
wonder they do not open the ventiIat-
ors. Boston Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

A cotton boom creates quite busi-
ness bustle.-N. o. Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Minnie-"Mamma, you told me
that ladies should always be first,
didn't you 2"
Mamma-"Yes, my darling, GER
tainly."
Minnie-"Then, if you please, why
wasn't born before Willie New
York Graphic.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

Rector-"How cute these pansies
are f; they look like SO many monkeys
faces"
Bessie (his daughter)-"Yes, papa,
each one looks like a chim-panzee.
Epoch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

We agree with Bob Burdette in the
most truthful saying of his life "God
wasted mud when he made the man
who after taking a paper for six
months ordered it stopped without
paying up arrears" oil City Critic.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

McReilly-I can't made out your
friend Bowser. Yesterday | read
him an original poem of thirty stan
zas, and at its conclusion he walked
away without word of comment.
Bagley enthusiastically just
like Bowser! He's the most forgiv-
ing man | ever saw.-Philadelphia
Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

An arrant Britisher claims that
yankee Doodle" was composed by
EnglishmCn. Without pausing to
discuss the question, it may be re-
marked that Yankee Doodle" has
often discomposed the Englishmen.- -
Philadelphia Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25

sDAily except Sunday.
Parlor cars on day trains trains between Alpen'
and Detroit, without change.
n NJ REEVES. MILO EASTMAN,
Agent. Alpona. Genr Supt
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1888-01-25


er day. He said he "reckoned he
know'd when to use a handkerchief
without havin' no hints thrown out" +"
-Ex.
Rector-"How cute these pansies
are they look like so many monkeys
faces"
Bessie (his daughter)-"Yes, papa,
each one looks like chin -panzee.
Epoch.
Wife (to unhappy husband)-"l
wouldn't worry, John; it doesn't dc
any good to borrow trouble" Hus-
band-"Great Caesar, my dear, amt
borrowing trouble; I've got it to
d."-Epoch.
A driver Of street car recently
called out to green conductor
Switch off," and instantly nineteen
out of the twenty women in the Cal
put their hands quickly to the back Of
their heads. .-Ex.
Miss Acknowledgement, were
you ever mixed up in many engage.
ments?
General-Quite number; but
fortunately escaped with being mar
ried but once.-Waterbury.
Old woman--"Will yez have a
drink of buttermilk ?"
Old man-"Av course, but you dc
not call this it, do you ?"
Old woman-"It came from the
goat."-New Haven News.
We agree with Bob Burdette in the
most truthful saying of his life "God
wasted mud when he made the man
who after taking a paper for six
months ordered it stopped without
paying up arrears. s."-Oil City Critic.
An arrant Britisher claims that
yankee Doodle" was composed by
Englishmon. Without pausing to
discuss the question, it may be re-
marked that Yankee Doodle" has
often discomposed the Englishmen.-
Philadelphia Press.
McReilly-I can't made out your
friend Bowser. Yesterday l read
him an original poem of thirty stan
zas, and at its conclusion he walked
away without word of comment.
Bagley enthusiastically That's just
like Bowser! He's the most forgiv-
ing man | ever saw.-Philadelphia
Call.
Minnie-"Mamma, you told me
that ladies should always be first,
didn't you :"
Mamma-"Yes, my darling, GER
tainly."
Minnie-"Then, if you please, why
wasn't born before Willie New
York Graphic.
-----------------
"The car is full of alumni" whis-
pered Miss Beekonstreet to her friend
from the west, as they both journeyed
Cambridgeward in the horse car.
"Yes," said the Chicago girl, "and
how it chokes one up, don't it?
wonder they do not open the ventiIat-
ors. Boston Bulletin.
Leaning inclination. Sir Robert
Peel, speaking of Lord Eldon, said
"that even his failiDgs leaned to vir-
tues side :" upon which bystander
observed, that his Lordship's failings
resembled the leaning tower of Pisa,
which in spite of its long inclina ation
had never yet gone over.-Ex.
Don't be fool, my dear" remon.
strated a husband to his wife, who
was letting her jaw swing loose in the
breeze.
81 won't, Mr.. Jenkins, | won't" )"
she answered "people wouldn't know
us apart if | did"