davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
NEWSPAPER HUMOR.


| "ANh OLA DolAhN bnehEh
A man may tell his wife that it is "too
awful hot" to stay in the house-and
then go out and play billiards in a room
made ten degrees hotter than his own
home by a dozen gaslights,
A case of domestic scandal was under
discussion at tea table. "Well, let us
think the best of her we can,n said an
elderly spinster. "Yes, said" an
other, 'and say the worst-that's the
fashion"
docs the conversation and carriage
of your new minister become the Cos
pelP" asked a learned bishop of a
simple-minded farmer. "Well,m was
the reply, "his conversation is rather
fluid and he don't keep carriage"
Emma asks us. DO you think it is
right for girl to sit on young mans
zap, even If she is engaged to him2"
AND we say: "lf it was our girl in our
lap, yes; lift was another girl in our
lap, yes; but if it was our girl in an
other fellows lap, never"
A reporter, in an article on the desti-
tute poor, spoke of the great number of
persons reduced to poverty by the
mysterious DEGREES of Providence. {"
His astonishment may be imagined
when he saw the printer had altered it
to MYSTERIOUS DEGREES of provisions.
An Alabama paper published the fol-
lowing notice: Married, at FlintstOne,
by the Rev. Samuel Windstone,
Ephralm GrindstOne to Emilne Sand
stone, both of Limestone" Look out
for lot of small Grindstones, we trust
not to be followed by birthstone.
Il can't trust YOU" said a rumseller
TO an impoverished customer. "You
should let liquor alone; if you hadn't
drunk so much of it you might now be
riding in your own carriage" "And if
you hadn't sold it" retorted the victim,
you might have been my driver"
The nude figure on drinking fount-
am IN western city, has brought out
the following by our Dutch poet:
"Der small boy stands on der fountain,
Und he don't get on any close
Und der young girls dey all plush und say
Vat he means py such conduct as dose'"
THE BALLAD OF AMEIGULIA MAIREIGH.
Miss Amelia Mary Cholmondey,
When in summer time she rode.
Did not look one whit less colmondely
Than in winter whom she s,ode.
As became farmers daughter,
Milk she to the market took
Mingled flour and eggs with waughter,
And delicious toa-cakes book.
By her Establishments the neighing
Colts and bleating sheep were caught:
And, they tell me, there's no seighng
What lot Of rcks she thaught.
AT her orders farm yard beauties
Turkeys. geese, and hens-were slain;
From her purse for weekly duties,
All her fathers men we're pain.
Mary, too, was always present
When the frisky lambs were shOrn;
And the chicks ofmany phesent
By her careful hands were rorn.
Spite Of Mary's fond endeavour.
Once her ,favorite lap-dog swan
Far from land and sank for eavour
And her eyes with sorrow dam.
Girl more kind or tender-hearted
Noer in all my life saw.
Scores of swains for Mary smearted;
She was perfect, all agraw.
Thus, when to Elisha Farquhar
Hand and heart at last she gave,
Though he was billiard-marqahar,
Happily with him she lave.
st Jdmes's Gazette.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
The knights victorious at Rome.

A Roman cablegram to the Catholic
Netrs announces that decree Of the
Holy Office on the Knights of Labor
question. favorable to that organization,
has been forwarded to Cardinal Gibbons.
1t will he remembered that in April OF
1887 the Pope, concurring with the ideas
set forth in the letter uf Cardinal Glib
bons in favor of the Knights, decided
that there was no cause for action. The
Pope also decided that in Canada. where
a mandament had been issued against
the Knights, the members Of the order
could receive absolution on promise Of
obedience to future decisions of the
Holy STE. The matter having been
placed before the Pope, this decree lie
the result.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
Could Not Keep

Shop without them. consider your
Sulphur Bitters a remarkable blood pur.
ifier. know of several people, whose
cases were considered hopeless, that have
been entirely cured by your medicine.
The sale Of Sulphur Bitters is so large
here that could not keep shop without
them. Il. s. YATES, Pharmacist,
20 Essex Street, Lawrence, Macs.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
AN UNEXPECTED LEGACY.

The Rev. Herbert Evans was in great
distress AMI perplexIty.
That could be seen at a glance by the
way in which he knitted his brows and
ran his fingers resllessly and uneasily
through his hair.
Before him lay au open letter telling
him of the death of his Cousin Annie, by
whose decease her little daughter was
left alone in the world. In her last
hours she had committed TO his charge
her doubly orphaned child.
And he, poor man having just entered
upon his first curacy at the age Of three
and-twenty with an income of ESQ a
year lin parish full of poor people),
with generous heart and an earnest
desire to help the needy in body and
spirit, felt this grieYous burden almost
too heavy to borne.
What was he to do, he asked himself
in these dingy apartments with a little
girl of seven? How was he to find the
means to clothe and provide for her
how to amuse and instruct her =?
His heart stood still at the prospect
Yet, like the brave and God-fearing man
that he was, he never wayered for a mo-
meDt in his resolution to take up this
burden thus Unexpectedly laid upon
him,
Let her come, he said to himself,
"and God Will provlde-somehow.
Two days later Ivy Bevan arrived, ,and
he found her, as ne mad always remem'
bered her, the sweetest but most self.
willed of little maidens.
Before she mad been a week IN the
house she was IN tull and entire posses
sion, had conquered the heart OF grabbed
Old Sarah, his hourekeeper, and had es'
taDllsbed certain rule over the earnest
and somewhat austere young curate
The first night, even, there had been
contest IN when he had been worsted.
Cousin Herbert che said, tlmidly
you always gave me an elephant ride
before l went TO bed when you came tt
see dear mamma; you will do 50 now
won't you 2
My dear child y he exclaimed
aghast. Think one moment-you vii
STE that 1t ls impossible for me to do so
am clergyman now ,and 1t would lool
very strange to see me crawling rounC
the room as used to do in those days
Besides, you are getting too old for suct
game" he added, hoping she nigh
like to be considered above such childish
sport.
'Oh, no ! she cried. Besides, it vii
be such fun y and she clapped he
nanus WIN gee. oee mere Is scal le
Tug lnat wlll liiase , splehuiu howuah
Now you crawl 1nlee .Inies I1une I'M
rooni' ana 'hen WI" 20 10 oeu "l'n"u
"0Iu' ., :,
.,6u 6uV Consioe II, iii
On, Oous'n neipe'1, WIN you reius'
iIttie IVY tne hIst tning she ASKS Ior
On, you are uhklhu anu tne Oiue eye
tnreateheu 10 orim over, ana Danger
Gus Pout apPeaIeu oi, ner Ups
Wpat couIu ne 40 put "nat ne uIu 10
nanleiy, carry net lnIee t,nies aroun'
tne room On aii,'ourS' anu ENJOY he
merry IauHh'er ,-,.,.-,,
otranee W say ne ne'ei ',,: tu,t n,'nee =:
"hIt tle pogIei " 'n'e auu',ion " III
no9SenolI, hls coat nllSht oe .HIgaIoar' 51 u.l
anu MS oiotneS Henelany Ii I9ipinueu @ Uii'
Vi oettel uays' s out NOV a otnu iol ln''e, t
n,OurH nro,,i,, "aa ,San % I;,,Ie ITu % Rovsn No o
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20

During the past year it has beel noted
that a great many people have jumped
their board bills. The hotel-keepers
don't like this way of observing leap
year.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
Eeaema. Itchy. sealy, skin rortures

The simple application Of "SwAYNE's ONT
ment,n without any internal medicine, will cure
any case Of letter, Salt Rheum, Ringworm Piles,
Itch, Sores, Pimples, Eczema, all Scaly, Itchy
Skin Eruptions, no matter how obstinate or long
standing. II potent effectiYe, and costs but :
iIihe, Slyl
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20

VIM TIT IN htHtuIe5 maut Dy WIZ
uer Of Safe Cure fame. Regulate the
regulator with Warmers Log Cabin Sar'
saparills.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
Benrrinstop $aa'rtsr,

ruRLIsHHD EVERY THURsDAT AFTERNOON,
TERMs OF SUBSCRIPTION;
OWyeAr, in advance 81 SO Three months''''''''Ss
msnthA rs Single copies,..,......5
(rosTAaE PRE-PIID.1
RATES OF ADVERTISING;
Oue ipchl week, = rs One incl monthstS.OO
ons inch, weeks, las One inch 9 months, $50
O1e.Fourth col. 1 5000 One inch year, SEQ
NorIcBs-inserted under head of Business Lo-
calls" Ice per line, each insertion.
An Letters and Communications should be Ad-
dressed O. A. PIERCE, Publisher and
Proprietor.
Entered at the Bennington P. Gas seOond-class
matter.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
W. r. SHELDON,

DIR. B. G. JENNEY, Dentist.
SUCCESSOR TO DIR. j. N. SCRANT0ND
y Il prepared to perform all operations in Dent
Stry in q thorough and workmanlike manner. Per-
Set satisfaction guaranteed in all cases submitted
his care, and At reasonable prices. Gas or
Ether administered or extracting teeth when re-
uired. Once opposite Congregational Church
Main st., Bennington.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20

LOG CABINS, lacking ele-
gance, were yet comfortable
homes. Health and happi-
ness were found in them.
The best of the simple rem
edies used are given to the
world in Warmers Log Cab
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
Business Dircttorp.

G. H. MASON.
A TTORNEY AT LAW.
"A Adams Block Bennington, Vt. 20
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20

MRS. NJ. E. PARTRIDGE, NJ. D.
OFFICE and Residence, SO Main Street.
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20
JUDGE ROBINSON HEARS FROM YER
MONT AND MAINE

Judge Robinson, editor Of the North
Adams Transcript, one of the very beat
political writers in the Old Bay Stats
has heard a sound Of September. We
give below a portion OF it, omitting the
figures: '"0
The Bennington banner. [volume] (Bennington, Vt.) 1858-1894, 1888-09-20

No panger of the Order Breaking Up on
Account of Corporal Tanners ResOlu-
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
rurks tia,herine oIanpa.

Mr.. Cole, of Bitlis, missionary of the
American board in Eastern Turkey, in
describing a journey from Harpoot to
Bitlis, says: I'VE Travelled for four DAYS
through region where had newly fallen
a remarkable deposit of heavenly bread,
as the natives sometimes call it--manna.
There were extensive forests OF scrubby
oak, and most of the deposit was on the
leaves. Thousands of poor peasants,
men, women and children, were out upon
the plains gathering the sweet substance.
Some of them plunge into kettles of boil
ing water the newly cut branches of the
oaks, which washes off the deposit, until
the water becomes so sweet as to remind
the Yankee of veritable sugaring off in
the old Granite state as he takes sips of
it. Other companies of natives may be
seen vigorously beating with sticks the
branches, which, from having been
spread upon the ground. have so dried
that the glistening crystals fall readily
upon the carpet spread to receive them.
Tie crystals are separated from the pieces
of leaves by sieve, and then the mamma
is pressed into cakes for use. The mama
is in great demand among these Oriental
Christians. AS we Were travelling through
q rather dry region, the article came in
play for our plain repast. Chicago
,JOurnaf.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
A JournnIi.t.. Note Boo :.

In regard to subjects, have found It
a very wholesome and inexpensive plan
10 carry little note book around in my
pocket. You Will find this a very worthy
device. Set apart a pocket sacredly to its
use. and always have 1t there. If you
wake up at quarter of o, and have to
be at the Office at 8, and must needs
economic on Your dressing time. Just let
your stlspenders and collar buttons go,
but be sure to have tile book. Don't
leave your room without it.
Into this book put every odd, wllirn-
sical or suggestive thing that you run
across, whether you see it, hear it, read
it, or whether it comes popping into your
head without apparent cause or reason.
You IL soon find that you have subjects
enough to last tile whole family for six
months. Then all you have to do, when
you feel the divine affiat is creeping down
your spine. and hear The inviting murmur
of the muse. is to seize your book, run
your finger down its pages till you find a
theme to suit your mo Humorous, re-
iisious. philosophical or Walt Whit
maniacal, as the case nay be. and then,
putting your best foot forward, follow it
up with equally good feet till tile thing is
done. You Will find, by adopting tlia
plan and putting in your odd moments,
and an evening or two, you can average
one or two pieces of rather $3.50 verse
every week.-John P. Lyons in The
Writer
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
A panIsine Trinl.

It's the hardest thing in all legal prac-
tice to convict b;mfing criminal.
While the jury may be convinced that
he's rascal and deserves conviction,
there are 20 many ways in which every
questionable banking transaction may be
niade to look business like that the attor-
neys of the swindling defendant can
easily make it appear to conscientious
jury that there is at least reasonable
doubt III the case, and the prisoner goes
free. 1t is difficult, too, to make jury
understand the points III banking case.
The clearing house is the greatest puz-
zler of all.
In one banking trial I had put st.
Louis banker on the stand to explain the
clearing house system to the jury, and
although he did it in what might have
appeared to bankers a most lucid man.
ner, you never saw twelve men worse
muddlcd than these jurymen were when
he finished. That trial, by the way.
was one of those in which the criminal
escaped. After hard work, convicted
the man on five counts. but the supreme.
court saved him by deciding that the law
he had violated did not apply to private
banks.- Bank Attorney in Globe-Demo-
Graf
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
swixtcrlan,l,. ,It1ch COWS.

Switzerland has GEO. 900 mich cows.
all of native breed, and divided into two
sharply defined races. the brown and the
spotted. The former cnlor varies from
deep fawn TO mouse gray, the latter
shade being held in the most esteem.
The brown race is short horned and con-
sidered as the original type. 1t corre-
spends to the remains found ON the sites
of the Roman cities of the Third century
of our era. The skulls of this race. fur
thermore. arc identical with those found
in the Swiss lake dwellings. The spotted
race, peculiar to Berne and Fribourg, is;
believed to be of scandinavian origin.
From the milking point of view there is
not very much difference between either
race. The average daily yield is about
two gallons, or twelve gallons per 112
pounds of live weight. The percentage
of butter to- the milk varies from 9 81 to
4 34 per ccnt.-Chicago Times.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
society fin Tabiti.

A Taliitian gentleman or lady is a
charming person to meet. They are cul-
tivated and refined. the men have bcen
educated in the best universities in Eu-
rope. They and their wives are trav-
eled, they arc thoroughly cosmopolitan
and they meet the stranger with knowl-
edge Of his customs as well as of his Ian
guage. and with hospitality. simple,
generous and delightful. What with
spearing fish on the reef by torchlight,
picnics in cocoanut groves by the sea,
drives on the beautiful Broom road under
the cliffs and across the lagoon by Pha-
raoh's caves, dinner parties ander a ba-
mana leaf roof, and reclining under the
trees on moonlight nights. the happy
days slip by unnoticed. But Tahiti ex-
acts an expensive tribute from the stran-
ger for the Happiness he has felt-hc can
take but the memory away and long
ing to be back in dear, lazy, sunny
Tahiti. Cor. New York Tribune.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

The. engineer on the Congo who has
been writing his experiences in Black
woods Magazine assures his readers that
with ordinary good care white men can
live there at least as conveniently and in
as good health as in Jamaica, and lie ex-
presses the opinion that when they have
more home comforts they may enjoy life
with as much case and safety as now in
India. The white men on the Congo
within the past two years have become
convinced that the great MORT ity during
tlre early years of Stanley's enterprise
WIS largely due to the privations and
t,.rlships that his followers had to under
40. 1t is noteworthy fact that at Bona,
IN the lower Congo. which Stanley years
kSo described as pest hole, the sanitary
condition has been so far improved that
it is now the seat of government of the
Congo state. Among the thirty or forty
traders and agents of the Congo state who
are living at Bona, not death has thus
far been reported this ycsy.-Ncw York
Sum-
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
The nogue,s Latest Device.

The latest London rogue's device is to
drive hansom, and from that elevated
position to pick out from the roofs of four
wheelers such articles of luggage as seem
most promising. These lie places on the
roof of his own cab, and drives away
with them, presumably to some railway
station. The proceeding is of the neat
est kind. and every precaution is taken
that forethought can suggest. In order
that the spectacle of luggage on an empty
cab should not excite suspicion, a tenn
he has nothing to do but look as if he
owned the property .-er his head, though
in reality he knows .sthing about it. and
Is Specializing in his own mind as to
whether it is carpetbag or portman-
ieau. The Argonaut.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

The Now York Times, an indie
pendent journal of great ability, ut
ters these sound sentiments:
"Cleveland represents a policy
which has curbed the graspiDg and
defent- corporations with which the
Government holds direct relations,
and has restored to the public
domain vast tracts of land upon
which they had seized without com
plying with the conditions of their
grants, and he has courageousIy at
tackled the abuses and excesses OF
the tariff system under which mo-
nopolies are fostered and encouraged.
Thurman stands conspicuously for
resolute and unfiinching efforts to
compel the subsidized transconti-
mental lines of railroad to fulfill
their obligations to the Government
and the people. 1t looks as though
the line were to be drawn in this
contest between corporate power,
aggregated capital, protected com
binations, monopoly" on one side,
and the vast commercial and indus
trial interests of the mass of people
on the other. The result will de-
pend on the intelligence, the hon
esty, the saving common sense OF
the people"
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
NO. s..
The TsigIIt ror alonopolies.

New York Herald
The Republicans insisted that the
tariff on tin plate must be doubled.
Not content with the monopolies.
which they have created by the
present tariff, they insist on creating
a new one. Is it not painful to see:
a whole party, once honest and in
favor of liberty, join hands not
merely to maintain existing mono
poles. but to create new ones, bur-
densome in a peculiar manner to
the whole people2 But it is just be-
cause this new monopoly would levy
a toll upon every house in the land
that it is so bitterly fought for.
The prize is very great. General
Alger, theslumber millionaire, can
levy toll on the people of only a few
torestless States, such as Iowa,
Minnesota and Illinois; the tin plate
millionaires who would be created
by this Republican proposition
would make tributaries to their
greed every kitchen and store room
in the United States.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
Blue Eyes tho Best.

There is some reason for the admiration
generally felt for blue eyes. a connois-
seur in eyes states that nine-tenths of the
railroad men, pilots and others who are
selected for their keenness and correct
ness of vision have blue eyes. Brown
eyes are beautiful. Gray eyes usually
denote intelligence. and hazel ewes be-
speak talent for music. The common
est color of eyes is g1ry and the rarcst,
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

Ben. Harrison who was nominat-
ed for President at the recent Chica-.
go convention while in the 47th Com
gress of the U. S. was an active
worker against theanti- Chinese bills
and voted against them at every
stage. How does this suit the labor
ing man Will he be anxious to
vote for man who invites pauper
labor here to compete with him and
drive him and his loved ones into
starvation.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

The Portsmouth Times says cold
soldiers are pleased that General
Black was not nominated at ST. Louis.
They say he makes the best Pension
Commissioner the country has ever
had, and they want him to remain
at the head of the Pension Depart
ment. This being the case, they
should all vote for the reelection of
President. Cleveland, who has placed
such man as General Black at the
head of the Pension Bureau"
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11
Buyers of diamonds.

The American public are the most
critical judges of diamonds, and hence
buy the largest percentage of fine
diamonds. Russia, Mexico and the
Spanish speaking countries buy the
yellow and those of second quality.
Paris and New York receive the best
assortment of brilliants and perfectly
matched pairs. George F. Kunz in New
York Mail and Express
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

Patrick Ford, the editor of the N.
Y. Irish World, few days ago said
it would not do for the Republicans
to nominate Harrison for President
because his Know Nothing record
would prove fatal. Ford gave zeal
ous support to Blaine four years ago
and was anxions that be should be
the Republican candidate this year.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

stoop, and who are becoming round
shouldered arc advised To walk with the
palms of the hands forward, the thumbs
outward 1t will do wonders toward
s:raightening bent fern. as an. soI6.1r
Will tcstify.-New York Sum.
The weekly register. [volume] (Point Pleasant, Va. [W. Va.]) 1862-1909, 1888-07-11

The reunion OK the blue and the
gray at Gettysburg is typical of the
united country that exists every
where save in the minds of a few
bloody shirt apostles Where gal
liant veterans meet these bellicose
stay-at-homes, however, are con-
spicuous by their absence.