The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1888-09-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

Christopher Columbus.-Puck. d
amt much on politics, but I notis a
'at the one who gets ther is a statesman, v
an him as don't amt nothin' but q c
politician.-Judge. i
She-Do you realize that our vaca-
ton is nearly done, Henryp He (wild-
ly)-More than that! It's all dun!-
NeU HaUeas Ne,oS.
If Bar Harbor girl must go out ,
canoeing she should employ sailor
and never trust her canoe to heavy ,
swell Orleans Picayat,'e.
Hired girl Cto tramp)-.'Go way |
won't give you nothin'." Tramp (trom
Boston) -" Particularly grammar.
Good-b y!"- Washington Critic.
We fear that the philosopher who
said that ladies who wear un"sualiy
rich gowns keep their husbands hh-
usually poor gave voice TO great
truth..Harper's Bazar.
.Where did young Browne get his
money, papa?" From his uncle. Ola
Sam Brown. He inherited everything
he has in this world, except the nnai
.e' to his name. Life
Kentucky school-teacher-.'Wil illiam,
which do you consider the most miser,
able of animals?" "The camel.
..WhyP" sometimes it has to go for
weeks without drink. Lincoln
Journal.
Other things have been settled by |
scientific research, but no one yet mas I
ever been able accurately to determine
whether big man suffers more than
small man when he has the rheuma-
tism. -SonerUille journal.
The best position in which to sleep
having been discussed, it Is now asked
what is the worst position IN which 10
sleep. We say, without hesltatlon' II
is the position of fiagman on raii-
road-Sdfa Francisco alta.
..Robert,n said his wife, suspiciously.
s'where have you been? You're late
to dinner" 'sPve been assisting in an
humble way, my dear, toward inn
proving the breed of horses" 80. l
was afraid you were at the races
Life.
Old lady-(to village postmistress-
Bullard? Postmistress postal
from your daughter Mandy. How she
do improve in spellin' sence she's BEN
goin, to that boardin' n'-school.-H0rpeT'a
Basag.
Johnny was the son of paragraph
sr, and when hesaw his mothers sister,
of uncertain age, freshening up her ap-
pearance by rouging her cheeks he
said: ..Aunt Jennie, you're decorating
an. antique mug, amt you?-DrdEe's
Magazine.
Pa-What would you like to be when
YOU grow up, Johnny? JOHNNY
think III be soldier. ''You might
oct killed. .sWho byP" '.By the
enemy, of course" .sWell, then, 1
guess / had better be the enemy
Ieras SJtings.
Brown (taking Robinson home)-
What dye s'pose your (hic) wife'll say
t,morrer morning, Robinson? Bobin-
son-She'n (hic) shay new hat an silk
dressh, Browny. ole boy, an b'gosh she
won't shay 'em (hic) more'n once,
either.-Teras Syti'a9s.
Spinster Ito bird-fancier)-Have you
a nice parrot. sir, whose choice of
English is somewhat above the averaged
Dealer-Yes, ma'am; have just the
bird you're looking" Parrot im-
ploringly)-For gawd's sake, boss,
don't let me go!-Lte.
Bereaved widow Ito country editor(
DO you charge for obituary notices,
Mr.. ShearsP Country editor--As q
general thing, we do, Mrs. Bently; but
your husband and | were old friends
and will only be too glad to publish
his obituary for nothing. g.-LJe.
When freight agent tells you tha
your trunk is waxing shaky, and needi
q strap, ask him if he has any strap.
for SALE If he says he has, you may
rest assured your trunk is all right ane
doesn't require one, any more than {
country dentist needs a diploma
Puck.
"How much cider did you make this
year?" inquired one farmer up in Dex
ter of another who had offered speci
men for trial. Fifteen barrels" wa
the answer. Another sip. .sWell, i
you had another apple you might hav'
made another barrel. ~ Bangor Com
naercaal.
Wife Ito country editor) en'tyol
feeling well tonight. John? Countr.
editor-Not very, my dear. An in
dignant subscriber came into the offic
this afternoon aud mopped up the foo
with me- Wife (anxiously)-H
John, hope he didn't stop his paper
too!-Ltfe.
Algerton (waiting)-s'Aw, 1 say
Bobby. what does you'ah sistah thin
of me, anyway" Bobby-"She say
she thinks you're just too nice to live
and-"Algernon (highly elated)-
Yaasi" Bobby-'.An' she can't se
why heauthorities out of mercy DON
have you shot.-Jstdge.
She Gn great agitation)- George
/ hear papa at the front gate. and he i
apt to be impuisiye when he come
home late. He (reassuringly)-Cal
your fears, dear. I'm in the Goa
business, you know, and he has owe,
the firm money for coal for over min
months. .-NeU York Sun.
Miss De Pink-'.No, Mr.. Suitor. i
can never be. shall never marry
widower. The idea! Catch me walk
ing in any other woman's Shoes" Mr.
Miss De Pink, of offering you my lat
wife's shoes. You couldn't get then
on. "-Philaaelphia Record.
..Yes, boys" said old Bellows
proudly beating his breast. ..Ive beel
q soldier in my time, and if do say i
myself, like the war-horse of Scripture
i could even scent the battle iron
afar." s.I s'pose," ventured youn;
Paperwate, '.that on many occasion
that saved your life. life.
Customer (to grocer's boy)-Pro
prietor in? Boy-Yessir; he is in d
back room readin' de news. Custome
Is he a society man? Boy-No, sin
but he's got lots O. swell customers, an
he wants to find out when they'r
comm back to town. He's wer
anxious to see some of 'em.-Nea0 Yor
Sun.
s.Ah,n said kindly old Brooklyl
lady, as a group of well dressed littl
boys passed her gate, chow glad an
to see such fresh and happy faces thi
beautiful Sabbath morning. Are yo
going to Sundayzschool, little boys?
"No'm." replied the little boys, polite
ly; "we's goin' to de ball game
Epoch.
Millionaire (entering sanctum)-H
h,l old hon hnr do, to