Fergus County argus., 1888-09-13

mummy to a coterie OF friends i'm the
library to have him explode on your
hands and reveal his true identity.
Should disintegration continue in the
case OF your own mummy, private
funeral is the best thing could sug-
gest Let it he plain affair, opening
with select reading or recitation, fol
lowed by vocal solo and set-tO be-
tween some good artist and the piano.
You could charge a small admission
fee, perhaps. which would go toward
defraying expenses. and close with a
parade and torrent Of grief at the
grave.
The wantOn destruction of num-
mics and their wholesale importation
to this country, where they have been
ground up and used as fertilizers, is
going to make good mummies scarce
and high. When nation becomes so
naughty and exacting that it demands
rhubarb pies, stimulated by the gem
tlenIan who furnished corn to Joseph
during the dry spell, and expects to
promote it's asparagus by means OF
dead mOnarchs and the dust OF heirs
presumptuous to the throne OF Egypt,
you can safely predict that mummies
will he mummies before snow flies again.
You can't eat your cake and keep 1t,
too. Neither can you turn out a num-
my in Connecticut in two days which
will take the place of the real thing.
A Judge OF those things will tell you at
once that the bouquet is different.
There is not the same nut Thrown flavor
ard odOr OF poorly ventilated lineage
about the Connecticut made mummy
that there is about the Egyptian job.
The Egyptians had a way of curing
their people q good deal the same as
our physicians have now, viz: by fill
ing them with high-priced drugs. Our
physicians, however, begin on a man
before he dies, while the Egyptians, in
stead of printing bulletins about thin
people, showing what their respiration
and temperature were, and large
amount of sick room gossip, which "a
man hates to read after he has recOv-
cred, Just waited around until the gen
tleman had been permitted to die qui-
etly in his own way, surrounded by his
family, and then they came in and
cured him. so that on the morning OF
the resurrection a toothbrush and a
Turkish bath would make him look
like a new man.
The American bison and the Egypt
ian mummy are fading away. The day
will soon come when those who have
slaughtered whole herds OF buffalo for
their tongues and fertilized their tim
Othy sod with the dust OF dynasties
will go hungry. We may think that an
Egyptian cemetery has no bottom and
that true fissure vein OF these people
is practically inexhaustible, but some
day the foreman working on the lower
level will come to the surface and state
in hoarse accents that the pay streak
has pinched out. The difference be-
tween a gas well, for instance, and n
deposit of emperors is that the latter
is not self-sust aiming. a gas well may
continue To give down or give up, as
the case may be, for hundreds OF years,
but you cannot digup kings and queens
forever. Some day you are certain to
dig below their set and strike another
strata OF society.
Embalming is n process worthy OF
the dark ages. IL is expensive. foolish,
useless and highly injurious to the
complexion. am bitterly opposed to
it, My own notion about it is that
the man who embalms me will havetO
climb over my dead body to do sO.--
Bill Nye in New York World.