Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-10-14
TwINKS.

AppcdLs 70 Dc IuSuius-DOotV" -'NHP'
Some men would think they were cheat
ed if they had the humps lighter han
their ~neighbor. -LelristOR Journal.
An exchange says Gettysburg is becom-
ing . summer resort. So it was in 1868, but
il was much warmer then.-NeC Orleans
RedyHRe.
Cigar Dealer-I have something new in
cigarettes i want to show you, Mr.. Dumley.
Dumley-What is it, tObaccO?-Ner York
Sun.
As it isn't polite to say Gle, the young
ladies at Narragansett Pier call it ~''preyari-
eating on the sand" in their bathing suits.
The Waterbury.
The editor who saw a lady making for the
only seat in the car found himself crowded
out to make room for more interesting mat
ter.-JelriA Ntrs.
What kind of boys 60 TO heaven?'
asked the Sunday school superintendent.
Dead boys" yelled the youngest member
of the infant class. Jordan Times.
Young Wife, took great pains with
the salad We had for dinner, Robert. Rob
ert rubbing his embonpoint ruefully)-
And so did /, my dear.-ArkdHSds Life.
1t is stated that electricity will put a
piano ont of tune. Some of the pianos IN
town, Judging from their tune, have been
struck by lightning. -NOrristOtrn Herald.
Delia-How is Mrs. Grenadine lately?
Is she perfectly recOuciled TO the loss OF
her husband? Believes, / think so.
Her mourning fits beautiiully.-LoTe
Citizen.
What do you do for q living, Tom
asks the old college chum. DO? l don't
do anything; l undo" "EhT" I'm a
divorce lawyer" "Oh."-BrookIy" Eagle.
1t is the silent watches OF the night that
make their owners swear when it is dis
covered the next morning that they have
run down during the night.-BoSton Post.
Lady of the house to the cook: 1.-The
veal was not done enough yesterday" II
know it. l had to cook it over for us-we
never could have eaten it otherwise. -
Paris Figure.
A humorous Hartford lad who attached
a kettle to a dogs tail was extremely de-
lighted with the result, and said it laid
all over Crismus what's comm. "-Hdrt-
ford Journal.
Clerk lin drug store)-What will you
have, mein HERR
Professor y. (dreamily)-Really, l for
got. But that's nothing; give me some
thing similar. -TYd-Bits.
Sunday school scholar to teacher of a
Sunday class who has related the parable
of the Prodigal Son-Well, l don't think
he was very smart to eat husks when hun
CRY. Why didn't he kill one OBJ dem little
pigs?-BurIiRgtOa Free Press.
Nobody likes to be nobody, but every
BODY is pleased to think himself some
body. And everybody is somebody; but
when anybody thinks himself everybody
he generally thinks everybody else is no
body.-NdrdSOta (Tsr.) Tablet.
The following brief but pointed eOnver-
sation was heard the other day on q South
Halstead street car: Good mOrnin', Mrs.
McCarty." Good mOrnin', Mrs. Null
cahy, and how's Mr.. Mulcahy?" He's
dead, thank you."-SdR Francisco Report.
Moriarity-Sure an / wudn't wurrk on
that schaffOld, Sleyin, an git kilt, for a
farrum!
Slevin-Yes wudn't, eh; faith and I'd
do that same, MOriarity; and whin | got
kilt I'd have the farrum to fall back on
Puck.
Resident-Well, stranger, what do You
do for a living?
Stranger play
Res dent lenthusiastically)-Wh Base
ball?
Stranger-Oh, no; the piano.
Resident-What's the use of raising a
mans hopes in that waX2-EpOch.
Book Agent Ito woman at the door
Do you give any of your time, madam, to
things of a literary nature? have here
Madam-Yes; when anything of a liter
airy nature comes around and wan to sell
me some fool book, l kin alters find time
to set the dog on it. Here Tige! Tige!
No sale effected.-Haper's Bazar.
That Left Him Out.-"The true gentle
man." said she, will never indict pain,
and l never can respect a man who is not
a true gentleman"
Then, Mary" he said m~Ournfully, Il
suppose that l can hope for your love no
longeT?"
"Why not, Edward?"
Ppm a dentist, you know. "-LincOh
Journal.