The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1887-04-03
to you, as you stood there" he said. 20 my
boy. you cannot imagine the shock you gave


me.a
All! yes. know it now, that same vision
will haunt everyone whom | touch. l am
from me as they would from plague After all
there is Coda terribly, awful God-all-pow-
erful, all hearing, all seeing Have not proof
Of it, Is not this Gods recompense2
OCTOBER 81 am going East There is a sus
Pcion here that there is mystery about me,
and cannot abide IL. If any man should dis
cover my secret and make it public, think
would kill him.
New YORK, Nov Ill met man at Berry
vile yesterday named Hot He is on the Trib-
une. Had to sleep with him because hotel was
crowded. During the night my hand fell upon
him and awoke him, and the usual result fol-
lowed. turned it off in the morning by telling
him he had been dreaming. If he had insisted
that 1t was not dream. and had guessed the
truth. God knows what would have done.
DECEMBER 26-Just year has passed since
was stricken with this living death. 1t seems
like century. And now the worst is coming
God, is this just9 1 reported Christmas SER
mon yesterday: the burden of which was that
there is forgiveness for all VINO ask it. Christ
was born to save the worst of us. And yet
cannot ask It. This is part of my punishment.
Is 1t that have committed the objectionable
sins The thought drives me mad! Will relief
never comet
JANUARY l, 1871 have been making New
Years calls with my arm in a sling. was COM
PEELED to resort to that q means of avoiding
shaking hands with my right hand. Cart
wright, of tho Post who is a literary chap, and
somewhat OF society man, wanted me TO join
him in his New Years calling. and to oblige him
and for the sake Of diversion did So Perhaps
it Is the most unfortunate step | have ever
taken. At one house met most charming
little woman, as pretty as picture and as gen.
tie as tame dove. Margaret Willoughby she
Is called. We had the pleasantest of pleasant
chats and when l left her she invited me to call
again. Shall goi My reason bids me not to;
my heart tells me cannot keep away.
JANUARY I'll have seen Miss Willoughby
again. l met her at the theater. and she asked
me why had not called / must go. Surely
there can be no harm in admiring her and spend
ing pleasant hour in her company.
MARCH 15-Margaret grows more and more
charming. l have begun to write romance in
which she will be the heroine, and a man aff1ict-
ed as am the hero 1t will be a strange story,
surely. When it is finished l will read it to her.
think she is fond OF me. Indeed, I am sure of
it My romance shall be my proposal If she is
willing to accept me knowing what am, 1 shall
be happy. Can it be possible a great JOY awaits
me9 | am afraid to hope.
APRIL 22-The romance is written. Not an
hour ago put the word ''Finis" on the last page
Tomorrow | will read it to her. 0 Margaret
my beloved, you will not fail me! 1 am sure
of it
APRIL 26 Hard work at the Office prevented
me seeing Margaret until this afternoon. when
read the romance to its close. When looked
at her there were tears in her eyes
II do not wonder she loved him." she said,
she had suffered so much, and he loved her so
fondly."
"And would you love me so if had suffered
SO much and loved you so fondly?" asked.
Is it to be wondered at that am happys Have
not held her to nv breast2 Have not kissed
her lipsg Has she not told me that she is mine
forever. that nothing under heaven part us9
will strap that dead arm to my side and forget
that it exists. will learn to use my left hand
altogether: 1 have been practiclns with it Of
late. and I shall soon be able to do without my
right hand we'll enough.
MAY l0.-The darkness Of midnight has come
ct monday. The cup of joy has been dashed
from the lips that had but touched its contents
Gods wrath is greater than dreamed His pun
lshment more than can bear. 0 heaven. that
should have 90 bear rhis My brain is aflame
| My conscience is prodding me with sharp sticks.
Death no matter what it brings. cannot be
| worse than this living hell. To find happiness
but to lose it is tho worst torment. How it came
| about know not. ] was so sure that hand of
mine should never touch her, and yet o God,
| 1T was Thy vengeance that directed tits icy
clasp, against my will, fell upon the soft white
| ness Of her rounded arm. She shrank from me,
! Razed at me for second, and then
| fell back with piercing cry-a cry
such as I never heard before. and
| such as pray heaven never to hear again-a cry
in which all the awful horror of the sight before
her seemed to echo and re-echo-a cry that tos>
| my heart to shreds and filled me with the very
agony of despair. When she recovered from her
faint her reason had fed. She was raving mad.
| To touch her sent her into d paroxysm OF fear.
The mere sight of mel who loved her so much
who would have given my life for her hundred
| times over who would have gone through fire
| and flood rather than the least harm should
have come to her-was the signal for shrieks oil
| tie widest alarm. / cannot write more. The
thought of it is naddenpg the writing of it tor
ture. From that hour to this those shrielss have
| rung IN my ears; that look of fear has beer
before my eyes. Remorse has filled my soul
| Sleep has fed from me- Another day of this ant
l should be as mad she. / feel it, know it
| Death alone can prevent it.