The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1887-01-28
CATCHING A HUSBAND.
The TrszbIes OF Married Man, ane How
he Became Ons.


In his newly-published book entitled
Z" Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil
War" Admiral Porter relates that while
ascending the Mississippi to Join Farra-
gut before Vicksburg, he was frequently
fired upon from the shore.
On one occasion, after having been
shelled from the bank. and wishing to
learn the name OF the place and other
details, he captured two men who were
crossing the river In dugout. They
were coar5ely dressed in a linsey-woolsey,
wore slouch hats, and had the appearance
of laborers.
They admitted having lived all their
lives in Connecticut, and to have only
come to the South two years before
They were. however, staunch ''Sesesh."
After considerable conversation Admiral
Porter said:
" And do yos mean to tell me that
you two gentlemen, after living in your
native State twenty-nine and twenty
seven years respectively, after forming
the dearest ties and associations, can
come South and in two short years DE
won over by these people-one OF you by
hiring his cart, the other for don't know
WHAT"
wall. Kurnel," said Mr.. Potter. "you
talk burned we'll, but all them hifalutin
words Is wasted on me; II you had mar
ried wildcat wldder. with n wildcat Gar
ter sixteen years old, an Jen Davis
backin on 'em up, you wouldn't a stood
out an hour. l stuck II out for three
days an nights, sittin' out in tho rain.
before became a Confcd'rit."
Yes" interrupted Mr.. Opdyke, 1.-The
ole woman keep a double barrel gun
handy for him, an snys she, Jake, don't
you move till you're ready to become
one OF us, or I'll work some buttonhOlcs
in your dam Yankee carcase"
And what made you surrender, Mr.
| Potter" inquired.
! why" replied TINT worthy, when Zeke
/ he come over to fotch me somo whisky.
/ my ole woman she run out and smashed
| the bottle over Zekcs head, an then,
! when l was most starved an begged for
suthin' to cat, she sent me n bowl o hot
vator with chicken feather in 1t.
Thar says she, that ere chicken soup
! is all you'll git till you hist the Confed'rit
flag So l had TO cave In. Zekc can tell
! you what l went through with; you
/ wouldn't have stood II half day, Kurnel.
| know it by the cut OF your ilb."
| On being asked how he came to marry
! such woman. Mr. Potter profcsSed his
/ inability to rehearse the narrowing tale,
! unless no had "a drink OF w'isky." Some
| ''yInegar bItterS" being ordered for him,
which the newly-hedged Confederate
J characterized as real olO Union. an no
| mistake" Mr.. Potter still preferred that
| his comrade, 'Zeke." should tell the
story.
- eS, Sald his 1rtcnu, Just "a soon rs
| get mOuthful OF them bittcrs to sustain
me while / relate that melancholy
story Ov your marryin' that burned al
| liGatOr, ns goes cavortin' round the house
as II she owned all the guancr Islands in
the Pacific Ocean.
! Well. YOU must know, Kurnel. me
an Jake was hired hands on Mrs. Rump-
| kinsS place. We was hired the day ole
! Pumpkins died to hOlp handle tho coffin,
an two weeks artcr l hcarln that girl
! of hers say, Ma, I'm tired "a totin' wood
an fecdln the cow, an we must have u
| man ter do it
Well said Mrs. Pumpkins. 'hain't
we got two mon? Make one OF EN- tote
wood: they kin do 1t when they comes TO
| their meals.
/ 1 asked one OF en- said Belle, AN
he tole me he'd sec me burned first. We
/ don't want that kind OF man, ma
we want q married man. We can do
as we please with good-natered feller
like old pop, who can't get away II we
crowd him. You must marry Jake or
Zeke. If you don't will, an I'd like to
hear him say then he'll see me burned
/ first
"' You're crazy, Belle says the old
catamount. Your pops only dead two
weeks, an you want me to marry agin.'
! a. Well, then says Belle, say three
weeks, an bring him to the halter, for 1
amt a goin' to tote wood, nor feed no
| more COW arter that
40 Well, agree to that, says old Mrs.
Pumpkins.
Cos II you DON'T says Belle, III
marry one on 'em myself, an we'll see
whose mistress then
II wish you could a seen how Mrs.
! Pumpkins laid out her lines. You seen
cat watchln canary bird, amt you?
how the critter crawls up and purs soft
as Jews harp, an then you seen the
! little bird jumpin' round all In q twitter,
| an how at last whom the canary pliDOS
with its claws to the wires OF its cage,
| Mrs. Cat grabs him, an he's goneT.
That's the way Mrs. Pumpkins done.
/ Says she, Belle, I'll take Jake. l don't
like that other feller; he eats too much.
an I'll get rid of him. So she piled It
sweet on Jake until he didn't know his
alphabet from the multiplication table,
an then she laSsOoed him. You seen 'em
catch cattle in Texas? They have long
lariat an throw 1t over the critters
horns, goin' full split. and bring him up
all standin'. Now Mrs. Pumpkins uses
her long oily tongue for a lariat an so
wound it round Poor Jake no couldn't a
tole who he was then, when he was quiet
as an ole horse with a cart-lode OF bricks
/ behind him, she marches him of to
Squire Spanker's Office
I" Here, Squire, says she, IS a man
wot owes me reparation, an I'll pay the
81 fur the marriage ceremony, an here's
the same ring as poor, dear Pumpkins
put on my finger, an III use 1t agin.
This ere feller is a Yank, an want him
to see that he can't come down here an
win the affections of lone widder, an
then go off an larf at her.
Z" Well sir says the Squire to Jake,
what have you got to say to these here
charges|
"' Dunno says Jake.
80 Well, then, stan up an be married,
or else be drafted into the Confed'rit
army says the Squire. So they was
married then an there, an the widder
tux his arm an toted him home, an, says
she: Now, Jake. afore you get bit o.
weddin' cake tote in the wood for the
day, an mix the feed for the cow Jake
obeyed orders, an hns been the most sue
cessful husband l ever see"