Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1887-03-16
WOES OF A FAT NAN.
Life Made Wretched by Too Much
Ayoirdupois.

| pois. Anyone VINO has ever DCen III
the fat man business can appreciate my
woes and troubles, for they are as many
as the hairs on cows tail. Trouble
seems to have been born the day was,
and to have selected me for its one vic
tim. All through my life 1 have been
beset with care and worry, from the
time | was a small boy until now.
Thank God, l am getting Old, and,
though grow fatter each year that i
advance to the iumping-off place, L am
slowly and surely coming to the time
when people will ask: "What has be.
come of old lard pail?"
As early as l can remember l was
fat. When was sGhoolboy my com.
palions used to call me ''fatty," and
wonder that my flesh did not burst my
c,sthe5. Now that am older 1t is Just
the same. People wonder what 1 eat.
The fact is my appetite is very poor;
but the less eat the more L grow. /
am living paradox. Once l tried
"anti-fat," but 1t only made me sweat
harder, and my ribs grew more and
more indistinct. My trouble commences
the moment | awake in the morning
L usually find myself on my back, so
all do is to just start myself rolling
and roll out of bee. had an inclined
plane set up in front of the bed, so that
l do not land on the floor abruptly, but
roll down slowly and easily. But the
greatest difficulty is in getting to my
| feet. Sometimes this little feat occupies
several minutes. Now my trouble
commences in earnest. Ihave to dress
myself, and any one who could stand
by and see tie operation would be i'm
mensely amused. | don't muse much,
though; It's all labor for me. / get my
clothes on with fair success and a great
consumption OF time, up TO the point
of putting on my shoes. Then the fun
commences. haven't seen my feet,
face to face. in twenty years; 1 don't
have any idea how they look. But
putting on those shoes is the curse OF
my existence. Sometimes l wear but
ton shoes, and the expedients L adopt
to get those internal bGttons into their
holes are wonderful. I fasten button
hook to the cnd OF 4 cane sometimes,
but that don't result well as work of
| art. l tumble and hOunee about the
floor and bed, getting the upper hand
of my shoes in 4 manner that resem-
bies the struggles OF pollywoI out of
water. AT last get them on and the
prayer of thanksgiving that goes up TO
Heaven is recorded among the sacred
documents. When 90 down stairs
my wife usually asks Jne If have been
haying another wTestle with a ghost.
She says L have Jared the plaster
down, have frightened the neighbors,
made the milk man inquire if her hus-
band had started carpet beating es-
ltsbllshment Gn the second floor and
ir>fs>d Cam generally.
swell, my dear, how is your appe-
itite this morning?" asks the wife OF
lmy bosom as l sit down to the table
This is exasperating when she knows
that all l will eat is a small piece of
Goldfish with an air accompaniment, a
small cup OF weak coffee with oat-
lmeal and wind sauce. ''My dear, my
appetite is good" 1 reply, 80 good
THAT l think can eat y whole bean. ="
I"Bean drinking before breakfast again,
II see." says she. Then 1 collapse. l
can't stand puDs; pun my word can't.
I start down town to my business.
Hailing a car, notice it doesn't stop.
The next one / catch, and am informed,
when L attempt TO go through the door,
and get stuck. that that is not the fat
mans line. THIS makes me mad, and
with a rush and a push from the con-
ductor, l am crowded through, but
usually the door posts give about six
inches in the operation. Pulling and
pulling my torn clothes together l sit
down. 'Say can't you be satisfied
with four whole seats?" some one
growled. / look around, and sure
enough [ am crowding the only four
passengers In the car.
1 hear young lady giggle to her
companion: Guess Barnum's circus is
coming. The side show has got here"
The sailor sitting next her mumbles to
his neighbor: "What fine ballast such
bags of fat would make for sailing
vessel" BY this time the car has
reached my corner, aud Iyell to the
conductor. He sees me, but only
grIns. Again yell that l want to
get of, and he sticks in his head and
says: Were going night around to the
shops, and then III have one side of
the car taken off so you can get out"
looked at myself, and, sure enough, l
had begun to swell.
"Stag the SWELL" yells the newSbOy,
and my anger is so great that take
after him. Through the Car door |
rush, taking every button of ny
clothes, and nearly killing the conduc
tor; who attempted 20 stop my progress.
Then when L start to walk over to
my Office my friends accOst me with the
salutation, "Well, how are you .o-dayp
Seems to me you are looking thinner
than usual" If 1 ever want to COM
init murder it is then. Why will men
tell me such an internal lie as that?
How can l be growing thinner when
my weight is fast increaSingp Pretty
soon man comes around and inquiries
for me and after talking over the
weather and feeling around and finding
out what humor l am in, breaches his
errand. He is dealer in cigars and
wants me to pose before wood carver
while an image Of me is made for his
sign. He Is very much in want of that
kind of sign and am just the man to
be the model. In less time than l take
to tell it, that mans family is father
less. BY and by another man calls and
he is in the toy trade. He thinks toy
made in representation of me would
take well. l toy few minutes with
him and he never calls again. So they
continue to come. Some are advance
agents of circuses and want to hire me
to stand at the tent door and take
tickets. They thiak 1 will draw so
well. They get drawn directly. My
pity for such men is small.
When 1 step into the "sample room"
and call for beer, the bartender In
forms me that beer is liable to increase
ones flesh. That bartender is only
sample of all the sample room dons in