Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-07-06
Shuck Trotter's Fourth

ing prospects VI goOu crOp, InaL nt
decided to hold a sort of celebration
on the Fourth.
The celebration at Shuck's house
can be given the most appropriately
in the exact words of Zeb Finch.
"When Shuck come over whar
wuz cleaning up some new ground ful
er turnip PATCH" said Zeb, "an' told
me er bout the CELEBRATION, / sortel
hung fire er bout going; but when he
lowed pint blank that Liza Baker an
the Unison gals would be thar, l told
him that nothin' but er powerful mix.
ture Nv the rheumatic an cramp col.
ic could keep me away, an l meant
whut / said, even eff Liza is fat, and
not ez pale ez the most NV folks like
to see gal. Wall, when I ariv at
Shuck's house l seed that all the nec-
essary preparations had been made.
1t wuz too h ot to stay in the house,
so lot Nv cheers an benches had
been put in the yard under er low
spreadin' mulberry tree, that give a
thick shade. Thar wuz er right smart
sprinklin' Nv folks, l tell you. Ole
Uncle Nose Gayner, that went to the
Legislature last year wuz thar. Un-
Gle Nose amt much bigger er round
then er hoe-handle, an it do peer like
that when natur sot in to maxim his
legs she came mighty nigh not stop
PIN at all, but in spite NV all these
here drawbacks the ole feller has got
a way NV smackin' his mouth when
the jug is passed, that jest nachully
keeps him from fallin' into obscurity,
ez the preacher says. Ole Miss Gay
ner was thar too. | don't think / ever
seed fatter woman then her, Wy,
she's SO much thicker than she is high
that when she wants to reach up on
er shelf after anything she lays down.
The Jimison gals wuz thar sho enuff,
an'-ges hop my hat, somebody, while
/ think NV her-Miss Liza, bless her
fat jaws, wuz thar bigger'n life, un er
average hoss. Don't understand me
to mean any disrespect when / COM
par that lovely creetur with er hoss,
fur, lemme tell you, the human FAM
ly will have to improve nightly be-
fore it ketches up with er hoss.
1t mout not peer to be necessary to
speak about the size NV these folks,
but I'll jest say that weight had er
good deal to do with the tallness NV
the capers that wuz cut that day.
Old Shuck wuz in his glory, and
lowed that the country's birthday
should be cilybrated in er manner
that the neighbors wouldn't soon for
git.
How you goin to do it Shuck ?
says !. We KANT do nothin' but set
er round an stuff ourselves with wa
termillons an sich.
Don't fool yo's'f,' says he, Pm 60
ing to hev some 'plosions here airter
while that'll lay all the firecrackers
an tawpeters you ever seed in the
everlastin' shade. See this taking er
package outen the pocket of his dust
er. Here's two pounds of the finest
blastin' powder you ever come across.
Alter we eat an drink er while we'll
step out here and bore holes in logs,
load 'em up an have the allfredest
bombardment you ever seed. Folks
way over the creek will think that the
biggest Fourth of July this country
ever seed has Jest been turned loose
on the community
oh, Cousin Shuck, said Miss Liza
and ez | remarked Jest now, bless
her fat jaws-'please don't have no
shootin' fur it skeers me-
Bless yo soul an body, L'zy,'
Shuck replied, Il wouldn't skeer you
fur nothin' in the world, but on this
ercasion I'm jest nachully bound to
turn the hills an hollers wrong side OUT
ard, er haw, haw-plum wrong side
out'ards, Uncle Nose, he added grin
min at the lean old man.
Laws massy, cried Shuck's wife,
the white SOW is in the million patch.
Run Shuck and knock her fetch-tak-
ed head off,
Shuck he drapped the package NV
powder in er cheer an er way he went
an Liza snatched up the powder,
retched up an put it on a limb NV the
tree an begged us not to tell Shuck
whar it wuz which we all promised we
wouldn't. Shuck brought er big mil.
Ion back with'him an we div into it
red-eyed. Then he axed fur his pow-
er. We all lowed that we hadn't
seed it.
'That'll never do in the world, says
he. 'Er Fourth Nv July CELEBRATION
without powder is like er set Nv pl w
gear without er back-band-jest ma
chully won't go. Uncle Nose, whar's
the powderS
Amt seed it Shuck. B'leve you
tuck it with you when you went ART
er the white SOW
| a. i n 4 4