River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1887-08-04
DOG-DAY JOKES.
THE PROMISING AMATEUR.

THE PROMISING AMATEUR. I
He was an amateur yachtsman and :
he looked around the store in a timid ,
way before he hesitatingly asked:
''Got any tacks?" 1
Eyes, Sir, plenty Of 'em. How !
many papers?"
81 guess I'll take paper of slarboard
and paper of port. I'm going a-sail-
ing and Iwant to be provided with
both kinds"
KINDRED SOULS.
young man. said the long-haired
passenger solemnly. do you drink
whisky
'Well-er-I am sorry to say con-
fessed the young man with blush of
shame, ''that do occasionally drink a
little, sir
"Well try swig at that" said the
long-haired passenger, passing over
quart bottle.
AT THE AVIARY
Attendant-This is the toucan Some
of the boys call it the plumber-bird
Visitor-Indeed! Why so?
Attendant-Just look at the size of
its bill and you need not ask,
STRONGER THAN THE BOY.
my dear" said Magruder's wife,
81 see that the Prince of Wales calls
champagne the boy.
"Oh yes. That information's old.
Strange l hadn't heard of it before.
But it explains something to me:''
"What is that. my dear?h
Il now realize what you mean when
you say you are going to see a man."
A PERFECT LADY.
A bright little fellow, the son of
naval officer at Washington, came into |
his room overheated from playing in |
the sun. His mother said: why, |
Harry, you are in a dreadful perspira- |
ton; your clothes are wringing wet"
"Well, mamma, said he, II don't |
care. My school-teacher's a perfect |
lady, and she sweats, too, just as much
as / do
HIS NARROW ESCAPE.
"Did | ever tell you, Dave inquired |
|, show near dear friend of mine |
came to running away with an irish |
girl?r
NO" Dave answered. Ibid you
have a friend about TO run off with |
one?''
YES"
''Well, why didn't he, then?"
80! another person ran away with
her."
"But why didn't he elope first?"
HE was unacquainted with her
them" replied in an absent-minded
manner.
HIGHLY APPROPRIATE.
Jack-What is your dolls name
Lolette?
Lolette-Mrs. Potter.
Jack-But your doll can't act.
Lolette-No; that's why l named her
GONE WITH COMPANY.
Ms. Brown-You told me that if
left my tablecloth out all night the
fruit stains would disappear. Well,
put it out last night.
Mrs. Jones-Of course the stains
We're gone in the morning?
Mrs. Brownies; so was the table
clOth.-Harper's Bazaar.
HOME FARE.
Young wife-O, Mr., Jones, I'm so
sorry Tom brought you home to dinner
to-day If he had told me you were
coming I'd have had something nice
and haven't thing in the house fiji
to eat. Mr.. Jones-Now please don't
say a word about it, my dear madam
You needn't worry yourself particle.
l take the most of my meals at home
myself.
A WALKING DELEGATE.
$50 you've got a horse and buggy,
have you?" asked a friend of a
prominent labor agitatOr.
YES; since I've been appointed a
walking delegate / haven't done any
thing but ride about the city"
LABoR-sAvING PURCHASE.
Wife-Now that you have bought
cow' who will milk it?
Husband--O. he says the calf does
that. So Wen have all the milk we
want.
CASE FOR SYMPATHY.
Jack CATER closely scrutinizing his
crying baby brother)-Do babies 90 TO
heaven, mamma?
Mamma-Yes, dear. when they die.
What makes you askP
Jack-O, nothin'. / feel sorry for
the angels. Don't you, mamma?
CONJURING IN THE FAMILY.
Tommy Bagley-''There was a
wizard at the show, NAV, and he did
the wonderfullest trick you ever saw.
He took silver dollar, moved it around
a little while and turned it into a
rose
Bagley-"That's nothing. Tommy
in a twinkling."
Mrs. Bagley-"And your father.
Tommy, beats all the wizards in ex-
istence. He can make $40 disappear
in single night SO completely that it
is never heard of again.
STEP UPWARDS.
First Thief-Getting much Doodle !
lately?
Second Thief-Dead loads of it.
"Cracky! Robin banks?"
Nav, too dangerous"
"Pocket-pickin?"
Nav. that amt respectable no
more.
what are We doin'?''
I'm keepin' Saratogy hotel. :"
SEEMED TO INFLUENCE THE JUDGE.
Judge, who has invited an Alderman
to si' beside him on the bench-Mr.
Alderman, do you think the prisoner Is
guilty? just whisper your opinion to
me. Alderman-Judge, he is no more |
guilty than | am. Judge hesitating q
few minutes, then aloud shall |
sentence the prisoner to five years
Imprisonment Epoch.
OUT ON A FOUL.
Bobby's mother had let him stay |
home from school because he complained |
of having a fever.
After he had looked as sick as he !