St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1887-11-16
AFRAID OF TYPHOID FEVER
And He Drank Whisky to Kill the
Fatal Germs,

And He Drank Whisky to Kill the
Fatal Germs. -
Cincinnati Times-Star
Somebody had evidently kicked the
man who answered to the name of AL
fred Pennington Binggs in the face,
for he bore confusion across the fore
head four inches in length. His honor
surveyed him critically and kindly
asked him:
''Beer Or whisky?"
The prisoners vacant look vanished
like flash aud he answered.:
'Just a leetle rye with dash o.
Stoughton bitters."
''What?' calculated the court.
well, if you hain't got the bitters,
l'1l take it straight" murmured Alfred,
as he adjusted his diSarranged necktie.
MIR. Binggs, your are trifling with
serious subject" sternly remarked the
court. 81 wanted to know whether it
was beer or whisky that brought YOU
here. Which was itP'
A look of disappointment appeared on
the features of the prisoner, and he
shrunk up visibly.
(which was it, sir?" demanded the
court.
''Well, 1 reckon it was neither" was
the slowly spoken answer. I'm ILL
clined to think it was typhoid"
Typhoid" howled the court, the
prosecutor, six lawyers, nine witnesses
and an old soldier i'll one of the special
cane chairs. A detachment of near-the-
stove visitors rushed for the street in a
solid body, thereby jamming the door,
keeper into shapeless mass.
''Typhoid," calmly returned the pris-
nnnr ha ravad IN tho off
crowd.
''Tut-tut-tut-typhoid, did you say?"
asked the old soldier as he reached for
his cane.
Yes, sir: typhoid feverw
''EX-eX-cuse me, your honor" slut
tered the veteran, ''but-t-t, really
great Scott. this is wuSS than the
Wildernessw and he laboriously
stumped out, gaSping typhoid" at
each breath.
From his elevated seat his honor shiv-
eringly asked:
''Have you got it, Mister Binggs"
The prisoner tlared up and indig-
Why3"
Then his honor flared UP and grew so
red that his face looked like base
burner. He got his breath with some
difficulty, and demanded: 'What do
you mean by soaring US half to death,
you perverter of the truth?"
''Me?' inn0cently asked the prisoner.
Eyes, you'll" yelled the court.
''Why, L didn't scare you, did l?'' was
the bland question.
His honor was simply knocked out,
but managed to blurt out:
"Why did you get drunk?'
"Me?"
Eyes, you! You are the man that
went around and threw rocks at people
and walked off with basket of bananas
in broad daylight while the owner
cursed in the best Italianw
why, it's mistake, Sir" eXpl ined
the prisoner. Il keep a grocery and
dou't get drunk. Yesterday Col. Mont
gomery Goober he read in the paper
that the river water was fuller of
typhoid than a dog full O. fleas in
August. What good for it?' says [,
and Col. GOOber, he says, Alcohol
Says l, Wouldn't whisky answer just
as well?' He studies and says, We'll.
l reckon it ought to; there's alcohol in
whisky, I've heard tell Says he, Mix
the water with spoonful of whisky
and it will kill the germs deader than
Solomon Well, to make long story
short, we goes out and tries Col. Coolers
prescription.
How many times?" asked the court.
''Well. the colonel allowed that the
germs were powerful hard to kill"
Mr.. Binggs, L accept your statement
because of its novelty" pleasantly
remarked the court. ''But | must crit
icise your action in trying to kill your
self in the attempt to kill typhoid"
''Well, the colonel says"
''Never mind the colonel" inter-
rupted the court. well have the colo
mel within few hours. Pll dismiss you
with a small fine-S25 say"
The sufferer turned pale, shook and
sat down as limp as rag: Gosh, I'd
sooner have ketched the typhoid"
The court afterward instructed the
clerk with the alum diamond to label the
case as: mo. 5706-Medical Drunk
Typhoid Germs-Whisky-S25, for first
attack.