Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-08-25
DEACON suRoETTE.
His Out o. sIeetin' Talk on Topics That
Are Current.
..-..u 49,.

Are Current.
CAN'T SERVE TWO MASTERS
Brother Quickspeech," said the pastor
| gravely, but not unkindly, ~ want to say
just a word to you. You've got to have your
breakfast little earlier. or else move back
! into the city" The brother gasped for
breath. "Look here, Elder Tyndall, he said;
/ "you are my pastor, but that gives you 10
| authority to interfere in my domestic ar
rangements, and Tll-n ~ can't help that"
said the pastor solemnly, "but you can't miss
train four mornings in the week and main
tain your standing and fellowship in the
church. I've seen that all too clearly these
ten days past"
But HE Is NOW.
Mr. Staylate has been entertaining Miss
Lila with an account Of tho doings of the Kit
| Carson Rife club, and is just entering upon
the preface to the introduction of the ninth
| chapter Of the second volume. bliss Lila
with weary but heroic interest-And are
| You q good shot, Mr. Staylatel Mr.. Stay
late (nodestly)--W We'll, rawther; they do say
/ that yours truly spois tho bulls eye every
| time he draws a bead. Miss Lila-l should
think you would make splendid target.
| appalled, silence Of an interrogatory naturcl
Because you never would be missed.
DEMAND AND SUPPLY.
Why does a young man wear a single
barrel, center fire eyeglass, my sonl Well,
because that kind Of young man never
understands more than halt no sees, and by
shutting off onehalf the spectacle lie man
| ages to keep about half way up with the
show. Does thee savyi Wen, keep on
savyin', and if you must wear Il minocle,
keep both eyes wide open and wear your
minocle over your mouth and you'll know
more and look prettier.
HELD BY THE ENEMY.
"John B. Cough" said the avant courier
| of Hook G. Ga1nbrels Six Million Dollar
Consumedly Consolidated Aggregation Of
Monster Mammoth Mastodon Equescurricu-
| lum and Hippodromatic SplendorS, "wGs one
| of my dearest friends; he was always con-
| viyial with me The year before he died
| met him on the train, and we sat for two
| hours in tho dining car, drinking whisky and
scltzcr." "That can't be true, though" said
the minister. Gospel TRUTH" said the A. C.
Il drank the whisky and John drank the
seltzer" And then he and the parson had
one the same way
RECREATION.
As soon as the summer vacation was come
and the weather wGs torridly warm away
from the city's hum and confusion ne fed to
the rest OF the farm. The scent of the clover
with joy he inhales, be leaps DER the fence
and he shrieks as on silvery rails he his per-
son impales and fractures the dome of his
breeks The sound Of the supper bell makes
his heart glad. for his hunger is wolfsh and
keen, but tho milk has been SKINNED and the
bread is sad, and the berries are not 70 be
seem He sleeps in n bed that is inhabited
and the mattress is lined with old hay; so,
forgetting bis prayers, be grumbles and
swears and fights till the dawn of the day
He is called to arise with the lark, and he hies
to battle in the trough at the we'll when
twelve hired men are through with it, then
the towel is his for q spell His additions are
done, he goes for run through the meadows
SO ,verdant and trim, when the bull comes
along, with his baritone song, and that settles
| the meadows for him. With pleasure he secs
the industrious bees and finds them quito
harmless to be- but he finds it is warm when
| he happens to swarm some hornets that live
in a tree He goes every place till he poisons
| his face with the leaves of rhus toxicodcn-
dron, and ho looks like man who is under
/ the ban, FOR having been out big bender on.
/ He helps to make hay, but he gets in the way,
and gets plowed down the back with rake;
/ then he goes to the brook, for pond lilies 70
! look, and bites himself twice with a snake
/ In sorrow he cries, with tears IN his eyes,
! I'm the wretchedest man among men; if my
4 life can hold on till this summer is gone, I'll
never leave Brooklyn again"
NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THIS.
/ "Victoryl 10 Triumphel Clay County Re
deemedl Glory enough for one dayl We
/ have met the Enemy and He is Ours! A
/ Clean Sweep for the Right The Pride of
| Goliad Humbled Forever. Tho Valley is Ex-
/ allied Above the Mountaini The People Arise
! in their Might Our Enemies ere Smitten
/ Before Usl Eternal Honor to Our Noble
4 Nine! Eurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!ll Score,
/ 81 to 90! Mass Meeting of the Citizens at the
/ Square Tonight Everybody nluminate!o
! Nay, do not laugh. It is truly American.
/ These headlines, in ali the glory Of display, on
the first page of Tho Clay CouOty Sentinel,
merely announce that tho Flat Valley Red
/ Stockings had won the first game in series
TO DO played by themselves and the Mount
Goliad Athletics
sUNsTRoSE IN THE CIRCUS.
"Who is the groo party that has taken tho
red cages" asked tho Cashmere goat who was
counting I'D the receipts. Hes q Ho tentot, p
said the polar bear, who was still wearing lis
winter overcoat on account Of q cold be had
caught while sitting behind woman in pas
senger car last December, "end no brought
his climate with him. $50 did the monEey,n
said the beaver, who also appeared in fur,
frankly admitting that his summer clothes
were pond. Gle doesn't look like a very
harte best, remarked the lion, who, although
lie was no hog, always looked out for tho
mane chance. The llama, who came from
Chilli country, said these Hottentots always
mado him think Of 4 nngur, whereat all tho
animals shivered and the sacred COW, who
sang at Sunday night beer garden concerts,
said If tho wild dog wood bark at them. il
might peruvian tidote, something like canine
You sec, children, the intense heat and the rs
ISOLATION with the funny old clown had do
veloped rabies among the poor animals rad
they were all stark, staring, gibbering mad
Mad as Tnrtars. slow mad arc Tartars9o
No mad, thou silly giggler, nomad; 60 to tho
ant cater consider her ways, and live on your
relatives
IN THE BIO TENT.
cab, here we are again, Mr. Merrymanr
yes, sir; yes, sir; here we are againl And
here are all the good people crowding the
tent to see US and hear US. And tho ladies,
| sir-ah, yes, sir; the ladies-bess their sweet,
smiling faces, what would we do without tho
ladesl They are the high candle and we
poor men the fluttering moths; they arc the
paper and we are the hy"-- Come como,
Mr.. Merryman, that isn't very pretty com
parison, sir; that isn't complimentary
| simile, sir" "Ah, yes, sir, but it's true she
thepaper; he the fly. It's The fly's own fault
that BIO gets stuck on the paper, sir, but
whose fault is it that be doesn't get awayl
The papers, sir; every time the papers. IIc
struggles to get away with all the wings and
legs and buzz he has in and on him, Sir, but
the paper won't have IL; he doesn't cling 10
her, she clings TO him. Yes, sir; that's what
she's there for; yes, sir
"Oh, when was lad
My sagacious old dad
Said. Keep your mouth shut, Jack, and open your
eye;
Keep your hands OF the taper,
Your name of o. paper;
Be deaf with one ear, Jack, and don't be too fly'
A 1 l. T. - l. l.