Daily Republican., 1887-09-08
Ninth AND MERRIM ENT.


after the ceremony of marriage. The
pine ana the weeping willow are pre-
scribed, but the birch is allowed as
being postiv ly useful.
"Well, how did you get alongH' in
quired q country landlord, one rainy
morning, of guest whom he had put
in top floor room under leaky roof.
"Oh, swimmingly," was the reply.
New version on--He: "Where are you
going my pretty maidp" She: 'I'm
going milking, SIR" she said. He:
can I not help you my pretty maidP"
She: "You can work the pump
handle. sir" she said.
"Good mornin' Mrs. Bryan. An
how is your brother in-l law, Mr. Nc
Caferty, to-day~ Very bad indade.
Miss Corcoran-vcry bad indade.
Sorra bite does he ate except what he
drinks"
First little cherub-"My aunt has
got false hair" Second little cherub
$50 has mine" "But mine has got
false teeth" ~ dontt care; my aunt
has got false teeth too; and yesterday l
heard mamma say she had false ton
que"
Husband: "If You only had the
ability to cook as my mother used to
do. l should be happy, dear" Wife;
"And If you only had the ability to
make money enough to buy things to
cook as my father used to do, should
be happy, dear"
De Gilt: "Come, Miss Passee, here
are the wraps, and the evening is
charming for stroll. 1t will put
new color into your cheeksl" Miss
Blunt lin loud Whisper: ayes, do
come, dear; you've worn that shade 80
long now, it's getting noticeable, you
knowW
Buckley: Would you call Miss
Starr blonde?" Dingley; "Well,
yes; but not a very decided one. I"
Bickley: .That's just where you are
wrong. If she's blonde at all she's q
very decided one. l never saw more
emphatic decision than she displayed
one night last week when asked her
to marry me-"
Husbands: Nov, l think that is
going too far. You promised me you
would countermand your order tor
that dress" Wife: 81 wrote to the
dressmaker that very day" ''But
here are the dress and the bill for it
enough to make me bankrupt almost!
How do you explain that2" 81 gave
you the letter to post, and l suppose
you forgot it. as usual"
With Moral Thereto.-A news
item states that judge took glass OF
water on his wedding day, and died
almost instantly. This might have
been expected; and the sad incident
should teach judges to not drink water
on their wedding day, or else not get
married on the day they drink water.
1.-TWO new departures ON the same day
are likely to be fatal.
Eliza and Jane were two old maid
friends, and Jane broke the bond by
marrying. Her husband was conspic-
uousiy homely, and the first time Elizs
Imet Jane she said scornfully: Good
Igracious, Jane, why didn't you marry
Ia monkey and be done with itr
l"Oh," smiled Jane, sweetly, 81
Thought you might like to marry some
|time. and didn't like to take youl
last chance"
/ A verdant maid-of-all-work at ''oul
boarding house" observing a fellow
boarder-a musician-playing his cor
net, gazed at him with much interest
He finally asked her pleasantly VIII,
she stared at him SO. "Axing ye
pardon, SIR" she answered, "th'
missus tould me ye played the corne
Iby ear; an shure ye don't, but wild ye
. mouth, loike any other dacint Chris
J titan"
Some advertisements are as comica
as if written for fun. One landlady
entirely innocent of grammatica
knowledge, sdvertises that she has -
lime, airy, well-furnished bedroom, 10
= la gentleman twelve foot square," an
lother has "a cheap and desirable sui
}, LOT rooms for respectable family /
N lgood repair;" still another has "a ha
. bedroom for a single woman eight b
ss twelve"
He Wanted Her to Live.-Old doc
Itor: $50 you think my daughter
Happiness will be safe In your hands
i. lenI 1OuuR uoClor' hho" oii
IN iloyes me, and / do not see how coul
o. live without her." old doctor: "Wel
&c YOU are young man OF good charat
: ter, and | will give my consent on on
condition." Young doctor: "Nam
lit" Old doctor: at is that when sh
is i'll you won't try to doctor her YOU
/, self"
"NO, sirt' thundered an old Me-
I'D York gentleman, Il have made up m
e mind that my daughter shall nevt
marry a man who plays poker !" ISL
might dc greal worse, sir" "ln
u possiblel Poker has proved the ruin'
lion of thousands of men, and its vi
ltims never recover from the intatu'
4 ltion. She could never do worse,
I"Excuse me, sir, but Pm sure 81
|could. She might marry some fello
who thinks he plays poker" The o
ri man deemed it wise to think 1t over.
An Unexpected Climax.-A your
man who was very iond OF two youl
ay ladies didn't know which to choose
wife. One day he accidentally ov'
: Iheard conversation between the tW
"Well," said one, ~ must go hol
= now and finish reading The Fill
,m a. Revenge; or. Marrying for Spite
4 I"And l." returned the other, I'M