Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-09-08
FuNNYIsMs.

Grandson Gould's first .scalrs was pare
goric preferred.-Bosoa Transcript,
A young lady's first question always il,
SIS he married?'-Shoe and Leather Re
porter.
1t is the silent watches OF the night that
render alarm clocks necessary.-Isras
SifliAgs.
The United States Government has q
hard row TO hoe when it strikes Colo-row.
-WasAiagteR Critic.
To purchasers o fjewelry w would sug-
gest thar circus rings are getting cheaper.
-Nesc Hdrea Ners.
When you come to think of it, young
man, isn't the marriage ceremony miss
leading.-YoRkers &atesmaR.
summer Boarder-Here, waiter, take
this chicken wing out and have its hair
combed.-BriiRgtoR Free Press.
There is . good deal of familiarity this
year between a camp meeting and q damp
meeting.-SPriRGfeH Union.
When q man agrees 10 swap OF his fame
for q piece Of court plaster he Is considera-
bly, stuck on himself-0a City Blizzard.
The ballet girls have brought suits
against the National Opera Company. Ger
tainly the ballet girls ought to have suits.
-L0VeR Courier.
A newspaper poet demands to know
where are the girls of the past?" Bring
ing up the girls of the future, don't You
think?-Lorel CaiEea.
"when is q man legally dead?' asks an
English journal. When he dies without a
cent the law generally lets him severely
alone NorristOacR Herald.
Cornelius Vanderbilt has SIS, 00O, 600 OF
assets, and he wants to make it more just
as badly as he did when it was only SlO,-
0O0.-Detr0it Free Press.
A man will do almost anything to in
crease the happiness OF the woman he loves
except to leave her when she wants to get
rid Of him.-SomerriHe Journal.
The critic who said "this rare little vol
ume is well done may have known what
he was talking about, but we don't believe
he knows what he said.-Lge.
Uncle SANS navy is not the only one
subjected to ridicule. The Pal MaH Ga
zdte calls John Bulls war ships Our
Crockery Bulwarks, they are so fragile.
Col. Migginson has written a paper on a
new kind of bonds--the New England
v~sgabonds." They are coupon bonds-eut
of from sOciety.-Buriington Free Press.
The messenger boy that went to Europe
has returned. He could not walk, but
had to come on the boat, which explains
the quick time he made. -Naskrille Ameri-
can.
Among the amusements that seem to be
dying out are jim-iams and roller skating.
There is q distinction, but not much diff
ference between the two. -LiReotR Journal.
Duluth's new Congregational Church
will have a stairway so citizens and strang-
ers can climb up under the spire and see
the city from a religious point of view.
Exchange.
In order TO get ahead Of all eontempor-
aries we here bid Mr.. Shakespeare fare.
well. Hereafter it will be ''oh fay" as
they say in Chicago, to write "as Bacon
truly said" etc,
Girls who can play Gospel Hymns" on
the piano, with the windows open Sunday
afternoon, are greatly wanted in Western
mining towns. At least they are not want
ed here.-SpriRgfeid Union.
A Kentucky negro made a rush in the
night on what he thought was a calf. 1t
turned on: to be the back end of a mule,
and the negro will always remember that
il was.-Detroit Free Press.
"Did you ever" said one preacher to
another, stand at the door after your SER
mon and listen to what the people said
about it as they passed out?" The other
replied: II did onee"-a pause and a sigh
but I'll never do so again. philadelphia
Cal.
A little Burlington girl who dislikes
arithmetic was asked to give the sum OF
nine cows and seven cows. Fifteen, " she
replied. When informed that this was
wrong, she petulantly exclaimed: at
doesn't make any difference if We only get
the milk. Huntington Free Press.
Omaha M~sn-Jump up quick, the house
is on fire.
Wife-But I've no clothes on.
"Tell the folks you Just came from a
party"
"And, John, my hair isn't"
That's safe, I just threw it out of the
window. "-0mahd World.
THOUSANDS Of cures follow the use OF