The state chronicle. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1883-1893, 1887-12-01
4 CHAPTER ON SHAMS.
SOONER OR LATER FRAUD Is DE-
TECTED AND GOES UNDER.
Some Specimens of the Genus Sham,--
Also Illustrations OF How the Ears
Stick Out from the Lions Skin.


The other evening | was the guest in an
humble log cabin. The hour was late, the
household had dined, and | ate my bread
and boiled beans alone. The mother of
| the family stood near shelf in reach of a
milk Jug, but presently leaning over she
sazed at my end of the table intently.
'Aint ye got nair knife thar" she jerk
! ed out, rs The guest ate beans with his
| fork
Yes, hr replied, ''but cut with my
| kni and eat win my fOrn.
Law, sakes alive. A fork don't hol
nigh 'nough for mel" came the answer.
| like that woman. She said what was
| true and unaffected. 1t is refreshing in
! this day OF ''shans' 10 find an honest. I'M
adi:tterated article OF any sort. Elsewhere
| Gentlemen daily with fork but in North
arolina the good old custom of shOvellng
Town peas with knife still remains.
These newly 1ledged notions move slowly
among us What if society has issued
u bull, deifed the fork, and declared il
the unpardonabie sin for cold steel to
touch lips at gentlemau's table, When
"a fork don't hol' nigh 'nough'' for US We
Use = knife. And in many places we take
{ It orr coats at dinner, if it is warm.
1,,ghtIy my good friends here kick off
I ieir shoes and stack their feet about the
5: cial hearth. And Judging from the way
s'ie wlggles her toes the old lady enjoys
Tire luxury most, tho the daughter of the
family is IA close second. And why not:
II we outrage cOnventi0naiities in one dl-
rection, when il suits our convenience then
why not in another? | like this old wo-
man because she is no sham.
There are .:ham everythings now days,
from your shaul pillow-slips hiding greasy
lIAen TO your sham Hammonds with
r00mful of awe-lnsplrlng nervO electric
wheels and batteries. There are your
sham baking powders, see advertisement,
and Your sham patriots shedding hypOcrit-
ical tears over that poor old shirt And
there is your churchman who says ''AMEN,'
while he thinks Of that last hand which
didn't hold "a pair" And that sham, with
political aspirations and religious CON
stjtuency. who pulls down the corner of
his mouth and holds up the corner of the
church whilst his inmost soul ridicules
Your idols; and there are your sham gen
tipmen with silk hats and obscene jestS,
aud that other old sham with his white
hair dyed purpish black. And what
with your saw-dust coffee. and your glu
cose sugar. and you tale flour the world
seems every where a fraud and deusion.
ii Is said that people like to be hum
| bugged, and sometimes ii does seem so,
| goes under. The animals fled from the
donkey in the lions skin but presently they
| saw his ears and came back and laughed
at him.
! 1t is strange so many men forget that
| lions skin " Ill not cover an ass ears. How
| often We SEE men affecting TO be wise
about something when everyone knows
| them ignorant, or bOa>ting Of bravery
| when their liver is luminous with white
ness There are young ladies TOO who
would bc literary with ali English ltera
ture primer and twenty-six novels by ''the
Dutchess" for stock in trade. And have
| known a man who was ignorant of the
! first principles of art to gravely affect the
| art conuoi>oeur, besides being an authority
on music. literature, philosophy: green
| cheese and the man in the moon But
! this one is peculiar sort o. sham. for he
| has persuaded only himself that he is a
| lion, and roars, paws dirt and i3Shes his
| tail to the great amusement of All the ami
mails in the forest. And there is that
youth who spends year in Washington,
| lives in IA back street and eats at a hash
house. but going back to his rural home
can talk Of nothing but Senators, big din
ners and affairs of State.
Everyone knows that female sham who
is ,ontinually alluding to my family" till
| one would suppose she traced her lineage
| back TO Baalam's mule. Her father was
| county senator for term and hence she
knocks her sublime head against the stars.
| Heaven only knows who her grandfather
| was.
Now MY family" says she, ':neycr
would forgive my sister for merrying Mr.
| Turnipdigger. You know we always has
been very highstrung family, and all
| our connections back in the old Nirginny
! families Was so. But they was proud of
Cap'n Bloyohorn when | merried him an
! he's ris' right on up. But law, | aint never
agoing to merry a politician again, for
since Capn B!oyohOrn has been county
clerk ant seen him none. But it alters
did seem 10 me as them places fits our
family, an they do say they is going to
run the Cap'n for Congress. His name
amt up yet, but It's talked around. But
law, he's so tired of public life shant let
| him accept, an if they WILL run him any
way, | shOly amt going among them awful
women in Washington as goes half dress
ed. an all that, MY family would turn in
their graves (Mrs, b. is scrawney)
Mis-. Capin Bloyohorn does not allow
her children to visit their cousin Turnip
dggers. The Turnipdiggers ale honest
folks enough, but you see they have never
|
ator or County Clerk. And then some
times they do kick their shoes off. Now
Mrs. B. herself eats peas with her knife,
and old B. eats with knife and fork at the
| same time and sits i'll his shirt-sleeves at
dinner besides, but Mrs. b. draws the line
at shoes
This one tries to hug the lion S skin close
about her, but the miSshapen body IS
aligned through the borrowed covering.
The very geese hiss and cackle.
When a Woman's nose IS thrust above
her neighbors heads like ships keel out
of water, it does not require u sage to say
Ballast is nee ed.
1t was not long ago that number of
rural dignitaries sat about a hearthston
ENJOYING a social chaw, discussing craps
and the relic II at the last meeting. But
one among them remained silent, his fin
gers stacked, his nose elevated to a digni-
fled pitch. Nov and then, however, when
an expression of opinion had passed en-
tirely around the circle, the fingers would
descend to Salute the nose become
horizontal, and leaning toward with a
magnificent dictum he settled the discus
sion From his eminence this thing of
wisdom swooped down to the earth like an
owl upon blind mice.
A stranger present was paralyzed. He
had never before felt so condensed Gath