, 1887-11-03
A MIDDLE AGED CHERUB.

ease of razors Is open before me; the bright
blades, undimmLd, alas! and undulled by
use, virgin as they came from the cutters
forge, lie ready to my hand; but my hand
shrinks from the last, the desperate
stroke. At As, health, money, u wife,
children Though against them l well may
bear grudge), even, may say, honor
and an unblemished reputation, are not
things to be abandoned without n strug-
gle. Yet life and all the rest are cmbit-
tered to me by one misfortune, which no
efforts have enabled me to overcome, no
stoicism has nvaied to disregard; and, had
] the courage. priest as 1 am, / would
strike the blow, and suicide should drop
the merciful curtain upon the ptiful farce
of my existence. Let me SEQ If penning
the tale of my woes will nerve my hand
TO end them.
Yet the tale will but move the world to
laughter. My wife has long pooh poohcd
me and urged me mot to think of it," as
we'll urge the eel not to think of skinning,
or the fugitive cur to disregard the kettle
tied to his tail. But then she Is supported
by the courage and good deal of the ap-
pearance Of n grenadier.
Old friends speak sympathizingly and
say, "Well, old fellow, wish had half
your complaint, But some men never
nrs satisfied" All! know their tones
Of regret and envy are mere mockery;
safe in the possession of gray hairs and
gouty toes, they know they can trifie with
me rs they please.
can scarcely bear tn divulge my secret
to those who do not know me and it, but
] must. My curse Is this. l. q man of
4J, husband, the father OF n great lout
of lad and IL qawky girl, n priest in
holy orders and n bachelor of divinity,
have the face the figure the voice, and
the carriage OF a cherry checked boy of
II, All! you may laugh, but none can
know what | endure till they have tried
it. Just consider | look like a nice,
healthy, lower school boy. My cheeks are
pink and smDoth; my hair Is yellow and
rough and plenty Of If: my waist Is slim,
my back is flat; walk with sprjngy
step; at times involuntnrily run, and
believe ! still could beat any alto in my
old school choir.
1t was not till after left Oxford that
became conscious Of my af1iictiou. At
college many Of us do like boys, and act
like boys too. My post was naturally tho
pleasant one Of cox of the college eight, and
although raftmen and bargees gufrawed
priv!ly when l came down to the boats,
and little boys from the towpath mimicked
my shrill imperative voice. still was
petted and popular, as COX is by virtue of
his office, and was happy, They carried
me shoulder high round the quad aud
placed me on tho table at "wincs'' to pipe
my treble songs, and, IL felt like tit
mouse beside the giants Of my crew, l was
but fulfilling my steersman's mission.
Those, indeed, were golden days. But
from the time 1 announced determina.
tiOn to take orders, trouble grew up
around me. Tutors said they doubted II
should have "enough infuence;" clergy.
IN xvhnr, r iatf fnr tel 4
skeptical Of my ''seriousness;'' aud when
called on the examining chaplain to the
bishop OF my choice and explained the Oh.
ject Of my visit, the good man looked puz-
Eled, but smiled kindly and asked with
surtout point dc zele air IL l didn't think
had better not have troubled to come to
him till | was within more measurable
distance of the earliest age for ordination
And at that moment l was "a
AT that time, indeed, knew looked
boyish; but then i often felt boyish, and
not being vain peacock, 1 gave little
critical study 10 my appearance: vanity is
not my bescttiny sin, and In those days I
did not stare gloomily In the glass for the
purpose Of detecting some hope, come
promise or age, or, indeed, for any
other purpose. Though below the
middle height, L am not u dwarf, and
rs yet the awful conviction Of the truth
had not forced Itself upon me. | did not
know how chldliko front presented.
At last, however, obtained curacy in a
parish, where We had u fine old church,
considerable choir, and several other
curates, and finding my vicar kindly, and
his wife positively affectionate, settled
down to my work and looked forward to
happy and heneficeni life. Within q
week my hopes were crushed. There
befell me \ calamity which has left TIE
ever since blighted and dispirited being
had but just been ordained, and was
very full OF the solemnity and the dignity
Of my new position. We had inst flushed
wedding In humble life, and about haii
an hour wss to elapse before mathis.
had taken = subordinate part IL indis-
solubly yokina q bnshful country lnss
to very bemused looking gaby from the
plow tail, and was waiting in Iny
surplice for the service in which was, SC
to speak, to make u "tirst appearance.
The weather was hot and lnid aside Iny
stole aud hood for while; for was rs
proud and careful OF their untarnished
rustling glory as a mother of her first
born; and l stood ut the vestry door chat
ting to my vicar and two Of my fellow
curatcs, who were making their mystical
toilet within. On sudden heard u very
swest girls voice saying. "Oh, l do wish
! could make out this window there
should be somc one to explain it," and
looking down the church saw one stout
elderly Indy and two slim young. ones ex-
n,nining q window OF Ananias ana Sapphi.
70. looked again at the girls, and ch,
joy ] recognized two fnir Americans whc
had appeared In Oxford during my lasl
term there and had been the objects Of ny
passionate and heart stricken devotion
Never had / forgotten them. Cajolery
and intrigue hnd once brought me into
the same room with them, but before ]
could find an opportunity for an introdnc
cion they were gone, and saw them
more. Now was my time Stsniaht