The Irish standard., 1887-06-04
STANDARD" BREVITIES.

STANDARD" BREVITIES,
"a man never loses anything by po-
litenesss.' At all events there are some
men who never do and never intend to.
Anew minstrel company will take the
road next season with $4,000 worth of
new printing and 500 worth of new
jokes.
A Chicago farmer. in answer to an
advertisement, sent $40 for the Finest
seed cutter in America" and in return
got 50 set of false teeth.
Customer Ito bakers boY): "Is your
bread nice and light?" Bakers boy
(confdentially): Eyes, ma'am; it only
weighs ten ounces to the pound.'
'.Shall light the gas?" asked the
landlady at the supper table. "Oh, it
isn't necessary" answered the new
boarder; s'the supper is light enough. I"
Mrs. W., walking on ore Of the
wharves. asked sailor why ship was
always called she. "Oh," said the Sun
of Nepture, "because the rigging costs
more than the hull"
When it was learned in Chelsea that
diamonds to be OF fine quality must be
of the First water" the citizens became
discouraged. They don't want water
even in their diamonds.
A Kentucky paper published the
names of all the persons in the town
who were drunk Washington's birthday.
Since then that list has been used as a
directory, being more full than the old
one.
A crusty old bachelor says: "Women
may talk as they like about feeling the
cold, but just give one of them an e..
gagement ring, and all the cold in
Greenland wouldn't made her keep her
gloves on in church.
Scene: Chemists shop IN Scotland.
Enter small girl, with bottle of cod
liver oil, purchased on the previous day.
Small girl: IF ye please, sir, wull We
take this back? Tha man cannot take
il, for he deeu last nicht."
Poetical contributor: t'Myne spring
poem has twenty eight stanzas, all as
good as that one. To whom shall I
dedicate it?" Editor: s'To your hus-
band. 'tBut he's dead" $50 much the
better. He'll be able to stand it,
A magazine writer says that charac-
ter can be read in the eyes-that blue
eyes indicate mild and even DISPOSE
ton. Black and blue eyes, it is pre-
sumed, mean a combative disposition
and that their wearer has been tackling
the wrong man.
Carney and Frazier had genuine
hammer-and-tongs battle recently in the
neighborhood of Boston. The English
man had undertaken to stop Frazier in
a given length of time, but did not sue
coed, although he had the better of his
opponent.
81 must have order in this court
room!" sternly commanded justice of
the peace. II must and will have less
noise and confusion here. I have al
ready disposed of three important cases
without being able to hear one word of
the evidence
II don't see how you get so much
news into your paper said the village
clergyman to the village editor. ''seeing
you have no local reporter. "Oh, that's
easily explained replied the editor;
my wife belongs to three sewing socie-
ties in the village, and she has an excel
lent memory"
Little Nell: 81 caught sister Maud
engaging herself to another fellow last
night, an she hasn't sent off the first
one yet" Little Kitty: 'Ain't that
nice; did you tell on her?" emo; she
buyed me off, "What did she do?''
'She said that if I'd keep quiet she'd
give me one of 'em when grow up.''
IA sensible woman,'' as DR.. Aber-
nethy would have called her: was dis
covered by shy man, who made her
rather original proposal. He bought
wedding ring, and sent it to the lady, in
closing sheet of note paper with the
brief question, '.Does it fit?' By re-
turn of post, he receives for answer,
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