Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1887-09-21

all COllGCLlOlS KGCGlVU GTUMpl
=, = .'..,'.,' !. = Attention !s s..,s
20 all-abroad, could not guess; but As
people were beginning to come into church
In considerable numbers I drew toward
the chancel steps, discoursing as went,
and then, as we reached the chancel gate,
I paused, intending, before we parted, to
make some allusion to having met them in
Oxford The elderly lady, however, mis-
took me. She stopped at the foot OF the
steps, where her head. was still slightly
above mine, and bringing her hand out OF
her pocket, where she had been fumbGng,
slipped half crown into my palm and
said, "There, my little man, that will do;
you've got it ell very nicely; now must
just give you one kiss, my dear, and with
that I, yes /, was kissed publicly on my
own ichancel steps, under my own rood
screen, before the eyes Of my own pastor
and flock. "Oh, yesl dear little fellow, /"
cried the young ladies, che is so pert and
cunning, A" and they too kissed me with
great goodwill / stood with flaming
cheeks and mouth Rgape, the half crown
still in my hand, watching them as they
complacently reiterated down the aisle.
Then, when they had disappeared, reused
by The litter of ladies and the outlaws Of
my fellow clergy at the vestry door, fed
hastily and buried by bushes among the
registers and SUPPLIES Of the vestry.
It was useless to remain In that parish.
The conduct Of the congregation next
Sunday, when stepped forth to read the
lesson, proved that to demonstration. or
course such a story had spread like wild
fire. The church was crammed, and when
in reading about David, who was ''ruddy
and withal Of beautiful countenance, l
came to the words, 'Look not on his
countenance or on the height of his stat
ure,,n there arose such a stifed laughter
as sounded like the wind among dry
leaves. II stopped short, consumed with
shame and modification, aanable to see the
book for tears, and then, with an astute-
ness I did not know possessed, judi
cious1y tainted away and was borne out
like child in the. arms of the basso
blacksmith.
- It was skillful stroke and might have
retrieved me, but Iscould not brook to re-
main there longer. ~By the asSistaHce OF
the archdeacon: and tho consent the
bishop, who tried hard not to 1apghwh1le
he gave 1t, was transferred to another
county. But though no like blow fell on
me there, saw the attempt was useless.
Did 60 to school to catechise or exhort
the boys, my presence was signal for
disorder. AS matter Of course my au-
thority was disregarded. Girls chatted
under my nose, boys extracted from
dirty breeches pockets pegtops and
toffee before my very eyes, and even
looked to me for encouragement, and II
the master was forced to come to the
rescue and cane lad, the ingenious youth
would appeal to me, with an air that said
as plain as words, Come, you know what
aIey-tors are? Why. don't you put stop
to this grown up tyranny? Have you no
fellow feelingrr At baptisms mothers re-
fused to let me officiate upon the bawling
infant, vowing ''they weren't agoin' to let
that theer careless boy play no tricks with
the blessed babyn My ministrations pro-
voked hilarity at funerals, and once an
irate virago, with whom was expostu-
lating on the wickedness of her ways,
soused me neck and crop, clerical hat and
:
With much pain dropped my holy
calling. Marriage and o literary life alb
sorbed some years. strove@-heave
knows how earnestly-to correct the vice
Of my appearance, but the more I'D
vanced in life the more absurd matters
grew. Occasional glimpses Of hope only
proved delusive and plunged pe back
again into darker despair. II ! have
tried one patent infallible whisker pro-
Queer have tried twenty I have been a
mine Of wealth to BARRIERS. Fluids that
would make an elm plank shaggy simply
make my cheeks look chapped. Many a
time have / gone to rest daubed with
pomade, only to find in the morn
ing that it had fled from my chin in
the night to seek more hopeful
ground on the pillow. Once slight
downy eff1oresceIlce made its appearance
under my jaw, and for days was almost
delirious with JOY, and walked the streets
with my chin in the air to show my
manly beard. Alasl like Jonah'A, gourd,
it withered in one night, as it grew. Sud-
denly it dropped off and left my face hair
less as the sole Of my foot At 40 / still
looked like H. < .x..
But though / looked as IL time had
as good haste as with other folks. My
wife is half as tall again as I,sapd twice
as heavy. When give. her my arm she
puts her fingers into my armpft, and peo-
pie are ceasing to take her, for my
mother and think / am her grandchild. I
am blest with q hopeful young family, q
boy and bony, awkward girl, who looks
salready over the crown of my head and
has stpop down to kiss me- The boy !
do think an extraordinary creature He
is not more than 16, but he looks as much
older than his age as I, SO. to speak, look
younger than mine. He is tall and
burly, and has q mighty mature and
lumpish look. The beard which fate
has denied me adorns him, and with q
double portion, and, now that his voice
has broken and settled itself into kind
of hoarse bray, boyish is the last word to
apply to him.
took him down the other day to Harl-
borough school to enter him there. My
railway journey was neither more
nor less Of misery to me than
usual. An economically minded ticket
inspector remarked considerably to
my son, I'D have passed him
with half ticket, sirl You needn't have
got q whole 'un." went to the refresh
ment room and asked for four of whisky.
The young lady behind the bar leant over
and cried, "Ohi you horrid little boyl I
shan't give you nothing but glass of
milk and bun, not IL you was ever so.
To think of the likes of You wanting fours
of Scotch, indeedr' and burly country
man standing by smote me on the back
till choked, and guffawed, 'Hawl Hawl
Thee'rt good 'un. I loikes thy cheek,
little chop" and in trying to force on me
o drink of his beer contrived to pour
some half pint into my neck and waistcoat
and then cursed me for his own clu:nsi-
ness. The bookstall man treated me with
polite Indifference and paid no more at
tention to me than to spaniel. Finally,
when Q grim old lady got into our smok-