News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-11-17
THE J0KER'S BUDGET.
STRAY BITS OF HUMOR FOUND
IN OUR EXCHANGES.
A Maiden's Mistake-A Slow Fever
-SOlomOn's Children - Lawyer
and Creditor, etc.
HE KILLED EN-.


side of the wagon.
care these fish fresh2" she asked,
viewing the fnny representatives with
suspicion.
"Yes, m: caught this very mornin', .
was the reply.
care you sure ?" she continued, giving
the load sundry pokes. 'They all seem
to be dead"
"Dead?" echoed the vender-"dead
Yes, m, they are dead. They wuz so
kill em to keep 'em from iumpin outer
ther wagon. "-Ha1per's Bazar.
misunderstood.
The importance of distinct enuncia-
ton in singing was well illustrated IN
Sunday-school recently. The scholars
frequently sing:
'Pass along the watchword, shout as
you go,
Victory victory, over every foe
A little girl of five years, coming for
the first time to Sunday-school, was
greatly pleased with the singing of this
hymn. When she reached home she
said:
mamma, they sang such a funny
song at Sunday-school to day y
"What was it % asked her mother.
so, they sang, Pass along the wash
rag, and they kept saying it over and
over. ."-Youth's Companion.
LAWYER AND CASHIER.
A bank cashier, who had stolen $50,
600 from the bank and skipped out to
Cincinnati, went to lawyer and said:
Chow can I fix matters so as to be
safe from law?"
sI will arrange to have the bank set
tie for half the amount, :" was the prompt
reply. -.
When this had been done the thief
expressed his great pleasure and salts
faction and inquired:
.And now what shall I pay you for
your services 2"
"The other half, sir, was the calm
reply.
Moral: It is a wonder the lawyer left
SO much for the bank.-AtlanltG C0nstt-
tuition.
A GREAT PLACE.
She stood in the press room of coun-
try daily, where the agile "fy" of the
press was slapping down the papers with
admirable precision. She was moth
erly-looking creature, with a blue cot
ton umbrella.
'sThat fly delivers the papers at the
rate of 800 an hour" modestly re
marked the proud proprietor.
s'Fifteen hundred an hour " she eX-
claimed MERCY on usi You don't
mean itl" And then, moved by moth
erly instinct, she added: 'What a
place to spank baby !'-Somerri5ie
JOurnaJ.
A CANINE POLITICIAN.
'That's a nice dog you have, Dr.
Horn, but what's the matter with his
eyes-one is blue and the other is
black?"
eyes; he was sired by tan terrier
and damned bya sky-blue terrier and he
takes a mean advantage of the fact
whenever have stranger to dine with
me-"
"How's that?'
"He first gets fed at one side of my
guest and then goes round the table to
his other side and pretends to be an
other dog. Cincinnati Telegram.
ALL THINGS HAVE THEIR USES.
Philosopher-Yes, there are many
useless things in nature. A pigs tail,
for instance, is of no use at all.
Patrick-No use is it, yez soy? Did
yez iver say pig9
''Oh, yes"
"Did yez ever thry to drive pig into
a new pen?"
"No."
"Yez thry it some day. The tail waz
made to take hold of an pull. Thin
the baste thinks yez is thrying to pull
him out ov the pen an i'll he leaps. -
omaha World.
MAIDEN's MISTAKE.
Bride-Did you receive the piece of
wedding cake I sent you?
Schoolmate-Yes,d dear.
'.Now, tell me what kind of hus-
band you dreamed about"
81 don't like to talk about it. He
was an awful creature, with hoofs and
horns and the most horrible face that
you could imagine. Oh, it was ter
rible.'
"Mercy me! Did you put the cake
under your pillow?"
'No, ate it t."-O Omaha World.
SETTLING FOR HIS DINNER.
eff 1 give yer nice dinner" she
said to the tramp, twill yer do little
work for me?''
Certainly, Madam" was the frank
reply.
After dinner he explained to the
woman that aside from being out of prac-
tice in wood saving, his physician had
l. E., I lo,~ G1,,,@ l.
"I want to do something, of course, and
if your husband has new pair of boots
that he wants broken in I'll undertake
the job.-Teras SJtings.
THE OLD HEN.
Mr.. Blobbs-Mariah, hadn't l better
take that hen to market?
Mariah-She's about 40 years old,
Zeke, an I'm afraid she'll spoil our
trade. Better think up some other way
of getting rid of her."
81 might give it to the editor in pay
ment of our subscription.
81 paid that yesterday in last years
turnips."
"Well, We'll save her for the next
donation party. omaha World.
OH, GEoRGEi
George, DEAR" said Naomi, 81 am
afraid you are too industrious in your
efforts to win enough money to obtain
papa's consent. Your health will break
under it.
"Too industrious! Why, L don twork
very hard"
ooh, yes, you do"
GLOW do you know?"
"Why, L heard papa say to-day that
you were carrying an awful load last
night. "-LiHcOln JOUrnd.
THE RULING PASSION.
''Pa, won't you give me a new dress?
[ want one SO much?"
"I'u speak to your mother about it."
The child's wistful expression was
turned into disappointment.
"Surely, mamma will know if it's
necessary"
YES replied the child, demur civ,
81 suppose so. But when you speak !
to her, touch her easy, papa, or she might
want one for herself. "-Teras .SifttnQS
JUST FEEBLE ENOUGH.
Smith--You look q little mussed ND,
Brown.
Brown should say sol I've just