New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1887-02-15
BLESSED NUTRIC1TORS.

Let Mugwumpery rejoice Let there DO
Jubilee meeting Of the Civil Service ASSOCIATION
nj once for Edison has dcvised a way TO lead
President Cleveland out Of the Wilderness.
Mr.. Clcvcland's fatal difficulty n all men know.
is that his party is very hungry and very
thirsty. In tho words Of IN eminent rcforincr.
In the presence Of this Unsuitable hunger and
uncomfortable thirst reform pledges and pur-
noses are powerless, and Cleveland. the pure
and spo,Iess promiser Of unlimited reform, has
turned out tho worst pap distributor of thu
generation. But now comes relief from an UNI
cxpccted quarter Mr.. Edison has made an In
vcntion, and tho Washington democratic or
gan which, with singular Inconsistencies OF
its great political importance. chronicles the
triumph OF his inventive genius, states that he
has evolved swine from Ncw-Jerscy earth and
water, that nobody can tell from Chateau
Yauem", that he has extracted meat from
sarpillaceous soil from Wcschcster County,
and that he cannot sec "why the manufacture
of starch and sugar from earth and water has
not been hit upon before
That settles it. II sugar can be manufact-
urcd from earth and water, and wine from New
Jersey soil, the Democratic party can be fed at
public expense OF course, it Is presumed, il
vino can be manufactured, the lighter difficulty
OF evolving whiskcy out Of mud can be over
come ly a trining modification Of the wonder
working machine. Then President Cleveland
can simply attach one Of Edison's nutricators
10 every applicant for Office. and perfect har-
mony in the party will result Tho machine
can be graduated to turn out whisscv or vino.
according to the taste Of the applicant; meat
or cougar" according TO his habits. Tho
sugar" especially will be wanted by pol
iticians of the Democratic persuasion, and Mr.
Edison should be particularly careful that this
part Of his invention works we'll. II it does
not turn out enough sugar, Mr.. Cleveland win
not he able to satisfy all patriots.
1t may occur to some professional Civil Ser
vice rcformer that the attachment OF Mr.. Ed
ison's costly machine to every Democratic APP
picant for Office will take great deal of money.
But, rightly considered, there is after oil a
wonderful economy in the process. Think how
small tho cost Of feeding and liquoring tho
hungry and thirsty, compared with the ancient
and semi barbarous method now in vogue
Hitherto President Cleveland has been Obliged
TO give Democratic worker a fat Office. draw
ing from the Treasury from 81 900 to 5000
per wear. In some acute cases OF thirst he bas
been obliged 10 tolerate telephone spcculations.
through which the public has been blcd and
The Treasury depleted $4,000 or $4,000 in
short time or Matchmaking Indian trader
ships, with profits not easily computed, or lum-
her companies for stealing logs from Indian
reservations, not unknown 70 Villas and his
friends, or real estate syndicatcs at Washington,
with a Presidential purchase Of costly villa
10 help them. But how simple the process in
future. 1t can hardly be expected that Mr..
Edison will charge more than 81 900 for his
machine. BY taking only $1,000 from the
Treasury, the salary for several years can DO
saved and competent person can be kept 10
do the work. Even in the most acute cases.
an improved machine TO extract the finest wine
and unlimited sugar" from Ncw-Jerscy mud
will not cost more than $1,000 Or $1,000 and
see what disgrace, what humiliation. what
shame to tho country and what Pan Electric
embarrassment in tho next Presidential CAM
paign will thus be avOiSGd. Bless Edison. all
good Democrats, and let the whiskey and the
sugar 10 provided at once. For the surplus
revenue can thus Immediately he distributed
in attaching a nutIicaor to every applicant.
and in that way panic next fall and DEM