The Penn's Grove record., 1887-05-07
A DELICATE SITUATION.

/ must commence this narrative with
a most painful admission-my wife is a
confirmed kleptomaniac. In all other
respects she is an admirable woman,
though / say it who shouldn't. She is
beautiful-at least in my eyes; she is
comparatively young, though perhaps
she might not like me to be too precise
on this point; she has troops Of friends
and no lack of anything that a husband
in comfortable circumstances and deyo-
teddy attached to her can supply; and
yet owing to some distressing mental
disorder she is continually bringing
home other peoples property.
Nothing, l am quite sure, could be
further from her gentle disposition than
the vice of coVetousness. She does not
take things because she wants them, or
in order to obtain a cheap qualification.
So far as l a see she is subject merely
to the same propensity as the jackdaw.
About a year ago Mrs, Arbuthnot, an
acquaintance of ours, lost a valuable
bracelet, which / felt quite sure Maria
had taken. But / never could find it
though 1 searched the house from top
to bottom. Mrs. Arbuthnot had her
suspicious, l could see, and this drove
me nearly frantic, not only with think
ing of what become of the bracelet, but
also with trying to discover a remedy
for the existing state of affairs.
At last | hit upon what struck me as
a really good idea. Like cures like, |
argued. If 1 were to introduce into the
house another kleptomaniac would not
Maria become disguised and alter her
wayP A bad habit in ourselves may be
tolerated, but when it crops up in
others it often assume a most repulsiye
aspect and straightway clamors for its
removal. Such, at least was my idea.
/ thought it worth a trial.
The first thing to be done was to
secure a genuine kleptomanfac. With
this object in view l inserted in several
Of the daily papers the following adyer-
tiSement:
WANTED, a kleptomaniac, who must
be a lady of otherwise irreproachable
habits and pleasing manners; she will
be required to act as companion to a
~gentleman's wife, who is similarly
afflicted; duties light; remuneration
liberal. Apply in the first instance to
X. Y. Z."-eare of a firm of advertis-
ing agents.
Imagine my surprise at receiving
ffty-seyen answers to my advertise
ment, every one of the ladies claiming
to be a lady. From the nature of the
case, l could not very well ask fol-
references. Not that this mattered
much, for 1 had enough confidence III
my own judgment to think l could dc
without them.
1 went through all the letters with
great care, putting aside all that tried
to recommend themselves by shame
lessly describing acts of successful pill
fering. | had no hesitation in conclud-
ing these ladies to be lmpostors attract
ed by the salary.
There remained but five, who bash.
fully said they were considered by theil
friends to be kleptomaniacs, a state.
ment which they did not themselves
indorse in any way.
l decided to interview all five, that
being the only way by which l could
discriminate between them. Accord
ingly | wrote to ask them all to come
to nay house on a certain day, and
added that L would, of coure, defray
any travelling expenses. In order tc
prevent clashing, which / saw might
place me in a most unpleasant position.
l requested one lady TO present herself
punctually at IL O'Clock, another al
11:30, another at II, and so on.
There would be no difficulty from my
wife, for she was to be away from home
all that morning. 1t had been arranged
that a certain Uncle Joe should escort
her to an exhibition which / had
declined 10 attend.
When the morning inquestion arrived
l tried to bundle Maria out of the
house with very unconjugal haste, but
Notwithstanding all my efforts her toilet
required SO much time that it was past
IL O'Clock before she drove off.
When my first visitor Miss White
appeared a meeker looking creature ]
never saw. She was neatly dressed in
black; in figure she was tall, thin and
rather angular, and she had a pinched
face, with a very mournful expression.
When she first entered she raised hel
eyes to glance at me and then at the
room, but then after that they fell, as il
they were habitually fixed upon the
ground.
Her intellect, 1 imagined, was a little
duh, for she apparently mistook the seal
l assigned to her and occupied the
couch. In self-defense / was obliged tC
move my chair farther away and face
the light, which was not what I had
intended. Without taking any notice
of my action Miss White laid down by
her side a black bag she had been carry.
ing. Then she drew out her handker.
chief, placed it on her lap, and folded
her hands over it, in this attitude, witt
downcast eyes, she silently waited fol-
me to begin-a most difficult thing t
do, as l now found. As l tried to escape
the necessary questions so as to be the
least offensive, | grew very uncomfort.
able.
"Aheml" 1 said "Miss White.n
There was a knock at the door and
james, my facttoum, entered.
"A lady to see you, SIR" he annoan,
ced, "a Mrs. Stone"