San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1887-10-20
A HARD BARGAIN.
BY WALTER BEsANT.

take in the conduct of life. Between the
rest of the world and me there was great
gulf fixed. They could enjoy, / could
not; they could celebrate every joyful
event with something additional to eat;
they could make little festival of every
day; they could give TO happiness an out
ward and tangible form. Alas, not only
was | debarrcd from this, but | was cut
off even from joy itself; for, if you look
at it steadily, you will find that most Of
human Joy or suffering is connected with
the senses. | had bartered away a good
half of mine, and the rest seemed in
mourning for the loss Of their fellows.
As for my pale and cOlorless life, It was as
monotOnous as the clock. If / neglected
to stoke, the usual feebleness would fol
low. There was no gracious looking for
ward to a pleasant dinner; no trembling
antiCipatiOns in hope and fear of what
might be preparing; no cheerful cOntem-
plation of the joint while the carver
sharpens his knife; no discussions of flavor
and richness; no modestly haZarded con-
illusions as to more currants; no rolling of
the wine glass in the fingers to the light
and smacking of lips over the first sip
all these things were lost to me. Reader,
If haply this memoir ever sees postum
nous light, think whet would happen to
yourself if eating and drinking, those
perennial joys OF humanity, which last
from the infantine pap to the senile Reva-
lenta Arabica, were taken away.
All things tasted alike, as l have said,
and cold mutton formed my staple dish.
AS could only distinguish between beer,
wine, coffee and tea by the look, drank
water. If ventured, which was seldom,
to take my dinner at a cook shop, / would
choose my piece de resistance by the look,
by some fancied grace in the shape, but
not by taste or smell. The brown of
roast beef might attract me one day and
repel me the next. l was pleased with
the comeliness of game pie, or tickled
by some inexplicable external charm of a
beefsteak pudding. But three quarters of
my life were gone, and with them all my
happiness.
If you have no appetite for eating, you
can enjoy nothing in the whole world.
That is an axiom. | could not taste,
therefore my eye ceased to feel delight in
pleasant sights, and my ear in pleasant
sounds. 1t was not with me as in the
case of blind man, that an abnormal de-
velopment of some other sense ensued;
quite the contrary. In selling one, seem
to have sold them all. For, as I discov-
cred, man is one and inseparable; you
cannot split him up; and when my arch
deceiver bought my appetite, he bought
me out and out. A wine merchant might
as well pretend to sell the bouquet of
claret and preserve the body; or painter
the color of his picture and preserve the
drawing; or a sculptor the grace of his
group and keep the marble.
AS regards other losses, found had
lost the perception of beauty in form or
color. Why this was so cannot explain.
was no longer, suppose, in harmony
with other men on any single point.
Pretty women passed me UNDECIDED; pic
lures had no charm for me; music was
only irritating to my nerves.
Then found that had lost the power
of sympathy. had formerly been soft
hearted man. / remarked now that the
sight of suffering found me entirely cal
lous. There was poor family living
about half a mile from me, whose ac-
quaintance l made through buying some
of my supplies of them. They were in
distress for rent; they applied to me
there, 1 cannot bear to think of it. l had
the money and | refused them. They
were sold up, and l sat at my door and
watched them on their way to London
the mother, the two girls, the little boy,
hand in hand, homeless and penniless,
without pang and without a single
prompting of the heart to help them.
God knows what became of them. May
he forgive me for the hard hearted cruelty
with which l regarded their fate.
Had |, then, sold everything to this
man?
had been pretty religious in way--a
young mans way. Now had lost all re-
ligious feeling whatever. had once am
bitiOn and hopes, these were gone; | had
once the capacity of love, that was gone;
1 had once a generous heart, that was
gone; once loved things worth loving, /
felt no emotion now for anything. was
a machine which could feel. was a man
with the humanity taken out of him.
This time lasted for about four months.
On the first of each month went to re-
Ceive my pay-the wages of sin-frOm the
clerk, who surveyed me critically, but
said nothing till the morning of the fourth
month Then, while he handed me my
money, he whispered confidentially across
the table.
"Look here, old fellow, you know;
Kirby Why don't you stop it? What is
the good of feller's drinking himself to
death? The old gentleman was here yes
terday, asking me how you looked, and if
you continued steady Pull up, old man,
and knock it off"
took the money in my trembling hands
and skunk away abashed. When got
home again am not ashamed to say that
cried like child.
Delirium tremens! That would begin
soon, and then the end would not be far
off. it was too awful. Think of my po-
sitiOn. / was but four and twenty. Not
only was l deprived of the pleasure
mind you, a very real pleasure-of eating
and drinking; | was the most temperate
man in the world though that was no
great credit to myself, considering; and
yet bore in my face and my appearance,
and felt in my very brain, all the marks
and signs of confirmed drunkenness and
the very hOpelessness of it. That hard
ened old voluptuary, that demon of glut-
tony, that secret murderer, would have no
pity. He must have felt, by the falling
off of the splendid appetite which he was
doing his utmost to ruin, that things were
getting worse, and he was resolved-I had
suspected this for some time-to kill me
off by drinking me to death.
believe should have been dead in an
other week but for a blessed respite, due,
l afterward discovered, to my demon be-
ing laid up with so violent a sore throat
that he could not even swallow. What
was my Joy at being able to go to bed
sober, to wake without headache, to feel
my bad symptoms slowly disappearing, to