The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1887-02-16
CATCHING A HUSBAND.


The Troubles Of . Married Man, and How
He Became One.
In his newly-published book entitled
q Incidents and Anecdotes OF the Civil
War" Admiral Porter relates that while
ascending the Mississippi to join Farra-
gut before Vicksburg. he was frequently
fired upon from the shore.
On one occasion, after having been
shelled from the bank. and Wishing to
learn the name OF the place and other
details. he captured two men who we're
crossing the river In a dugout. They
were coarsely dressed in linsey-woolsey,
wore SLOUGH hats, and had the appearance
of laborers.
They admitted having lived all their
lives In Connecticut, and to have only
come 10 the South two years before.
They were, however, stauach "Sesesh. :"
After considerable conversation Admiral
Porter said:
And do you mean TO tell me that
you two gentlemen, after living In your
native State twenty-nine and twenty.
seven years respectively, after forming
the dearest ties and associations, can
come South, and In two short years be
won over by these people--one OF you by
hiring his cart the other for don't know
whatY"
Wall, Kurnali, said Mr. Potter, YOU
talk burned we'll. but all them hifalutin
words is wasted on me; ifyou had mar
ried wildcat wilder, with wildcat dar-
ter sixteen years old, an Jeff Davis q
baekin' on 'em up, you wouldn't stood
out an hour. I stuck II out for three
days an nights, sittin' out In the rain,
before became Confedrlt.'
yes interrupted Mr.. 0pdyke. 'the
ole woman KEEP double.barrcl gun
handy for him. an says she, Jake, don't
you move till you're ready to become
one of u.s. or I'll work some buttonhoies
In your dam Yankee carcase =
'aAnd what made you surrender, Mr..
Potter" / inquired.
"Why," replied that worthy, when Zcke
he como over to fetch me some whisky
my ole woman she run out and smashed
the bottle over Zeke's head, an then,
when was most starved All, begged for
suthin' TO eat, she sent me n bowl o hot
water with chicken feather IN It..
Thar says She that ERE chicken soup
is all you'll git till you hist the Confed'rit
flag. So had to cave In. Zelse can tell
you what / went through with; you
wouldn't have stood 1t half a day, Kurnel
| know II by the cut OF your iib.'
On being asked how he came to marry
| inability to rehearse the narrowing tale
unless he had "a drink OF whisky" Some
evinegar bitters" being ordered for him.
which the newly-fedged Confederate
characterized rs real ole Union. an no
mistake" Mr.. Potter still preferred that
his comrade, ''Zeke.' should tell the
| story.
Yes, " said his friend, fsiust as soon a.
get mouthful Of them bitters 10 sustain
me while | relate that melanchols
story oy your marryln' that burned al
ligator, ms goes cavortln' round the house
i as II she owned all the guaner Islands in
the Pacific Ocean.
Well. you must know, Kurnel. me
| an Jake was hired hands on Mrs. Rump'
| kns's place. We was hired the day ole
Pumpkins died to help handle ale coffin
an two weeks AFTER hearin that girl
Of hers say, Ma, I'm tired u totin wood
an feedin the cow, an we must have q
man Ter do It,
- Well, said Mrs. Pumpkins, 'hain't
we got two menu Make one OF EN- tote
| wood they kin do 1t when they comes 10
their meals.
asked one OF EN-, said Belle, an
| he tole me he'd see me burned first. W.
don't want that kind OF man. ma
| we want married man. We can dc
| as we please with good-natered fellei
| like old pop. who can't get away II We
crowd him. You must marry Jake OIL
Zeke. II you don't will, an I'd like Il
hear him say then he'll see me durnet
first
-. You're crazy. Belle says the OLE
catamount. Your pops only dead tw,
weeks, an you want me to marry agin.'
q. Well. them says Belle. say tire,
weeks, an bring him to the halter. for
amt goin TO tote wood, nor feed ns
more cow arter that
80 Well, agree to that says old Mrs
Pumpkins.
Cos II you DON'T says Belle, III
marry one on EN- myself, an we'll se'
whose mistress then.
II wish you could q seen how Mrs
Pumpkins laid out her lines. You seen 1
cat watchin' canary bird, amt you
how the crltter crawls up and purS sof
as Jews harp, an then you seen th'
little bird jumpin' round all In twitter
an how at last, when the canary clings
with Its claws to the wires OF It's cage
Mrs. Cat grabs him, an he's goner
9 That's the way Mrs. Pumpkins done
Says she, Belle, I'll take Jake. dom
like that other Teller; he eats too much
an I'll get rid of him. So she piled !
sweet on Jake until he didn't know hi
alphabet from the multiplication table
an then she lassooed him. You seen ZEN
catch cattle In Texasi They have Ions
larlat, an throw IL over the critterl
horns, goin full split, and bring him ul
all standin. Now Mrs. Pumpkins use
her long oily tongue for lariat. an 81
wound IL round Poor Jake he couldn't
tole who he was then, when he was quie
as an ole horse with cart-lode OF brick
behind him, she marches him of I
Squire Spanker's Office.
- Here. Squire. says she. is a ma
wot owes me reparation, an Ill pay tn
81 fur the marriage ceremony, an here
the same ring as poor, dear Pumpkin
put on my finger, an Ill use 1t agiI
/, This ere Teller Is q Yank, an 1 want hi
! to see that he can't come down here al
win the affections OF q lone wilder, al
then 10 of an iarf at her.
Well SIR says the Squire to Jak'
what have you got to say to these her
charges?
, 80 Dunno, says Jake.
, - Well then, stan up an be married
, or else be drafted into the Confed'r
| army says the Squire. So they wa
| married then an there, an the Wilde
tux his arm an toted him home, an, say
+ she Now, Jake, afore you get a bit {
{ weddn' cake tote In the wood for tn
day, an mix the feed for the cow Jak
j obeyed orders, an has been the most SUE
] cessful husband / ever see."
Nav Hlu.,uet.