The Penn's Grove record., 1887-11-05
A M~lDDLE-AGED CHERUB.

I am at my Wits end. As / write,
my case Of razors is open before me:
the bright blades, undimned, alasl and
undulled by use, virgin as they came
from the cutler's forge, lie ready to my
hand; but my hand shrmks from the
last. the desperate stroke. AT 45,
health. money, a wife, children Though
against them l we'll may bear a grudge),
even, l may say, honor and an unblem-
ished reputation, are not things to be
abandoned without "A struggle. Yet
life and all the rest are embittered to
me by n misfortune, which NJ efforts
have enabled me to overcome, nc stoi-
cism has availed to disregard; and, had
1 the courage, priest as l am, l would
strike the blow, and suicide should
drop the merclful curtain upon the
pitiful farce Of my existence. Let me
see If penning the tale Of my woes will
nerve my hand to end them.
Yet the tale will but move the world
to laughter. My wife has long pooh
poohed me and urged me mot to think
of it," as well urge the eel not to think
of sk'nning, or the fugitive u to DIS
regard the kettle tied to its tail. But
then she is supported by the courage
and a good deal Of the appearance Of a
%grenadier.
Old friends speak sympathizingly
and say. "Well, old fellow, 1 wish l
had half your complaint. But some
men never are satisfied" Ali 1 know
their tones of regret and envy are mere
mockery; safe in the possession OF gray
hairs and equity toes. they know they
can trife with me as they please.
/ can scarcely bear to dlvulge my
secret to those who do not know me
and it, but I must. My curse is this,
l, a man of As, a husband, the father
Of a great lout of a lad and a gawky
girl, a priest IN holy orders and a
bachelor Of divinity, have the face, the
cherry checked boy Of IA. Ali you
may laugh, but non can know what l
endure till they have tried 1t. Just
consider. / look like a nice, healthy,
lower school boy. My cheeks are pink
and smooth; my hair is yellow and
rough and plenty of it; my waist is
slim, my back is fat; 1 walk with a
sprlngy step; at times involuntarily l
run, and l believe l still could beat any
alto in my old school choir.
1t was not till after l left Oxford
that l became conscious Of my Attic
ton. AT college many of US do like
boys, and act like boys too. My post
was naturally the pleasant one of cox
of the college eight, and although raft
men and barges guffawed privily when
1 came down to the boats, and little
boys from the towpath mimicked my
snrill, imperative voice, still l was
petted and popular, as o is by virtue
Of his office, and l was happy. They
carried me shoulder high round the
quad and placed me on the table at
''wines'' to pipe my treble songs. and
If l felt like a titmouse beside the
giants of my crew, l was but fulfilling
my steersman's mission. Those, in
deed, were golden days. But from the
time I announced q determination to
take orders. trouble grew up around
me. Tutors said they doubted il l
should have ''enough influence" clergy
men, to whom I applied for a title,
seemed skeptical of my ''seriousness;''
and when l called on the examining
chaplain to the bishop of my choice
and explained the object of my visit,
tile good man looked puzzled. but
sInlled kindly and asked with a surtout
point de zele air if l didn't think I had
better have not troubled to come to
him till l was within more measure
able distance of the earliest age for
ordination. And at that moment /
was "a.
At that time, indeed. I knew l
looked boyish; but then I often felt
boyisb, and not being a vain peacock,
I gave little critical study to my APP
pearance;. vanity is not my .besetting
sin, and in those days I did not stare
gloomily in the glass for the parpose of
detecting some hope, some promise Of
age. or. indeed, for. any other purpose.
Though below the middle height, / am
not a dwarf, and as yet the awful con-
viction of the truth had not forced
itself upon mt. l did not know how
childlike a front 1 presented. AT last,
however, / obtained a curacy in q par
.ish, whe-a we had a fine old church, a
considerable choir, and several other
.~curates, and, finding my vicar kindly,
and his wife positively a~ffectionate, /
settled down to my work and looked
forward to a happy and beneficent life.
Within a weeRemy hopes were crushed.
There befell J 3 a calamity which has
left me ever dnce q blighted and dis.
.plrited being.
l had just been ordained, and 1 was
very full Of the solemnity and the dig
nifty of my new position. We had Just
finished a wedding in humble life, and
about half an hour was to elapse before
mathis. l had taken a subordinate
part in i~ndissolubly yoking a bashful
country lass to a very bemused looking
gaby from the pillow tail. and was wait
ing In my surplice for the service in