The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-02-17
FUNNY FACTS AND FANCIEa.

sAnos-"Did you ever see vessels en-
gagged in Q fehti" Civilian-"No, but I
have seen ship spar"
A DOG jumped of the Brooklyn bridge Q
few days ago. An exchange thinks IL was
the most intelligent thing that ever took
the leap.
"WHERE is the ideal wifeT asks a lect-
urer. The Norristown Herald answers: |:
husband, her search will prove fruitless." :"
IT Is EVER So.-
"All flesh II grass" an ancient truth,
BY which II will be seen
That in the spring.time Of our youth
We are 90 ''jolly green"
Ak exchange says 'kind words are never
lost" But careless wife sometimes mis-
| lays them until she wants another new
| bonnet
JuDaE-'Prisoner, why don't you 60 to
worki Take hold Of any thingw Tramp
Yer homer. it won't do; I did take hold Of
| q chicken and here am"
A WRITER says that the mating of human
beings is beyond the science Of man.
Perhaps this is the reason why match
makers are usually Of the gentler sex.
"Can you use this" timidly inquired the
poet, as he laid bundle on the desk. II
think can," said the editor, affably. ~
am just about to start fre in the Office
| stove"
A VISITOR in Dublin was asked by car
driver If he wanted car. "No," said he
II am able to walk" MAY your honor
long be able, but seldom willing" was the
witty reioinder.
| ANSWER TO ''vocAL1sr''-We don't know
what will prevent your eyes from filling
| with tears while singing, but the best way
to keep the eyes of the listeners from fill
ing is not to sing.
One of the old settlers at the Isles OF
Shoals, seeing the name of "Psyche'' on
the hull of yacht, spelled it out slowly,
and then exclaimed: "Well II that amt
the biggest way to spell tishv'
81 WISH I was q public house," said q
loving woman to her husband. "WhyP'
he inquired, with some degree of surprise.
20, because you would be in eighteen OF
twenty times day to see me-"
THE coming girl will walk five miles q
day, says the Household. II the editor will
name the starting time and distance per.
haps the fellow she is coming after can gel
out Of the way, says the Minneapolis Trib
| 1ne.
"HAvE you ever sat upon an inquesta''
asked the coroner Of cowboy. "Betchei
life hev, stranger" was the ready
answer. "And what kind Of verdict did
you bring ina' "a charge Of murde,
against the Doctor"
FIRST WARD DUDE (st recent social af
fair)-"Miss M, have started mutual
admiration society" Miss M-"Ahi Wher
do you initiate the other memberl" Their
q deep, solemn stiffness brooded DER the
gathering.-Elmira Gazstte.
hou -xol
stop locomotive going at the rate Of forty
miles an hour within space of fifty feet
The engineer and fireman are expected t.
keep on for about mile and o half, bu
they are Of little consequence.-Detroit Ere
i Press
A YOUNG man who held q loaded pistol t,
his head and threatened to blow his brain.
out unless the girl who had refused hin
would consent to have him, was coolly tolc
by the young lady he would have to blow
some brains into his head first. He didn'r
blow.
SWELL No. (pretending to mistake fol
an usher a rival whom he sees standing In
evening dress at the cloak room Of tn,
theater)-"Ahl have you q programmed
Swell No. equal to the occasion)-
Thanks, my man; got one from the othel
fellow"
any DEAR" he whispered softly, as they
seated themselves on the toboggan, 'if OF
the way down I should ask you to be mi
wife, what would you sayi" "What wouli
you do II should refusel' she whispere,
back. II should have to let you Slide" h,
simply said.
KINDLY OLD LADY-"What's the matter
little boyp Little Boy (crying bitterly)-
II lost A. cents" Kind Old Lady (givinl
him nickeD-"Well, here IL i've cent
more for you, don't cry. How did you los
itr' Little Boy (feeling better)-"I lost i
pitchin' pennies"
| A LOUISVILLE lover, while kissing hi
sweetheart goodbye felt choking sensa
tion in his throat and finally died from suf
location. The doctors could not tell wha,
allied him, but evidently, says an exchange
his heart had come up into his throat ant
choked him to death.
CLARA-"They say Charley Il q grea
catch, and all the girls are running afte
him; but for my part don't see what the,
find in him to admire" Susan-"Perhapi
you do not know that his mother has tn,
reputation OF being wretched cook.
Clara-''Is that sol He'll make q spendit
husband for somebody"
LEARNING TRADE.-Blacksmith III
young NAM" You think you possess til,
necessary qualifications for Q blacksmith y
Young man-"Yes, sir. was Q membe
Of the foor-ball team at college," Black
smith (dubiously)-"Youm may be stronI
enough, young man, but this business de
! manda brains aa well ma stren0fh -