New Ulm weekly review., 1887-03-23
MARK TWAIN AS "A FARMER.
z Speech That He Night Have Deliyered Before
farmers' Club.

= = SFoecn fAhst no night HATo Delivered BEFORE
Farmers Club.
l have been introduced to you as an
experienced agriculturist. daughter.
I love the farm. Adam loved the
farm. (Laughter.) Noah loved his
vineyards. Horace loved the farm,
as is shown by that great book,
What I Know About Farming"
(Laughter.) Washington, Webster
and Beecher were allured by the at
fractions of agriculture. Some one
said to Beecher, Keep your cows out
OF my shrubbery." "Keep your shrub
berry out of my cows replied Beech
er; .'it spoils the milk" daughter.
Hogs are hard animals to drive oyer
bridge. (Laughter.) once saw
man carried several miles on the
back of a hog that turned back
in opposition to the solicitations of
the driver on approaching a bridge
(Langhter.) will tell you OF safe
way to get hogs over bridge: Kill
them and draw them over in q wagon
(Laughter.) Hogs are fond of spring
lambs and spring chickens. Hogs will
eat their own offspring if no lambs or
chickens are offered in the market.
daughter When a boy Twas solicited
to escort a pig to q neighbours farm.
A strong rope tied to the pigs leg was
placed in my hand. I did not know
before the speed and strength OF a pig,
(Laughter.) But they do not run the
way you want them to run. (Renewed
laughter. A pig can draw q canal
boat with the tow-line tied to his hind
leg, but Iwould not insure the canal
boat. Hogs are cleanly, orderly, 81
lent and not bent on mischief -Qaugh-
ter) when cut up and salted and in
tight barrel: with a heavy weight on
the lid. prolonged laughter.) This is
all know about hogs.
I love COWS. (Laughter.) What so
meek and low-ly- Qaug ghter-as
mooley COW? City people are foolish
to be frightened at cows. I was never
hurt by a COW but once. He shook
his head at me from behind a strong
gate. felt the security OF my posi-
tion and SHE'D a pumpkin at him He
came through h the gate as though it
were q, spiders web, and then I was
sorry I did it. Iaughter.) This kind
of COW should not be fooled with
unless you are tired OF monotony.
(Laughter.) The poet loves to dwell
upon milkmaids, milking time and
lovers sparkling over the farm-yard
gate, but no such poet could ever
have MIXED a, COW in fly time.
QIaughter.) I Icannot imagine a sue
cessful love suit at such season. 1
milked the COWS one night when the
boys were off on fourth OF July.
(Laughter.) That is 1 milked one
and one-half cows. (Laughter.) The
last one was SO busy knocking
off flies With her hind foot |
thought I had better not disturb her
longer. A pail of fresh milk kicked over
a boy does not improve his clothes or
temper. Some say 1 MIXED from the
wrong side! (Great laughter.) 1
thought would be sure and be right,
SO milked half on one side and half
on the other (Renewed laughter.) I
was on the other side when she knock
ed off most flies. Can any one tell me
why a COW should be permitted to
dictate which side man shall milk
from? I claim the right of my choice
at least half of the time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gambol over the
green. Nothing so patient and mod
est as a. sheep. Laughter.) Some
say a scamp is the black sheep of the
flock, but a black sheep is just as re-
spectacle as any, and the color line
should not thus be drawn. Laugh
ter.) I once fshed on the bluff and |
casually discovered sheep with
large crooked horns coming at
me with head down and fire in
her eyes. The fish were not biting
we'll, so J. left my sport and lodged be-
hind stump. The sheep fell on the
rocks below and broke her neck. Eor
this act have since been accused of
in the wool traffic.
This reminds me Of a Commissioners OF
Agriculture in old times who pur.
chased six hydraulic rams for the I'M.
provement OF American hocks. pro
longed laughter.) Feather beds are
made from geese, but all wooden
goods and drums are made from sheep
shins. (Applause.)
I take great pride in the horse. "He
is the noblest Roman of them ALL"
(Laughtsr.) Ionce led Stephen horse
to water. How proudly he arched his
neck and tail. He was SO fond of me
he tried to embrace me with his front
feet. But was so shy he turned
about and playfully knocked my hat
of with his heels. (Laughter.) l told
Stephens I thought horses looked
much better walking on four feet than
on two feet. Ahorse presses hard when
your toe is caught under his hoot I
speak not from theory, but from act
ual experience. Maughter). went
riding with Stephens horse and he
SHE'D and danced provokingly.
Treat him kindly" said Stephens,
t'Never beat horse" By and by
STEPHENS thought he would get out and
walk for exercise. "You may let him
feel the lash little now" said steph-
ems. "A little discipline now will do
him good" prolonged laughter.
L r