The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1887-08-17
WIT AND HUNIOI,.


ing YOU the flask"
First Young Man (meeting second
young man i'm billiard saloon)-''ls it
possible | see you here again? This
makes five nights in succession Sec
ond Young man--"Well, sir, what of
ftp Have not / n right To come here as
often rs choose?n 20, certainly-no
oflense-but-yo used TO be quite
Stranger-when you went to see that
little Miss Shrimp about every night in
the week THAT was three months
ago. | ann married TO her now" ''Ahl
that accounts for it," ~ Philadelphia
CALL
A New York letter in the Philadelphia
Times says: Thomas Davis, an immi-
grant in search of employment, was Of
fered by superintendent Jackson of
Castle Garden place rs coachman in
centleman's family. ''And have l
come 5000 miles to be n servant" said
Davis. What do you want, then?"
asked Mr.. Jackson. 81 came out here,
sure, TO be Il plumber" ''Do you know
anything about plumbng" THE
diyil bit know OF plumbing, but they
write home 10 say to send out all the
men they can, as the plumbers III New
York make fortunes.
Acknowledgement Garland confesses
that he is not a success at poker. Henry
CLAY was more fortunate. He used TO
have card parties at the Ashland home
stead, and it is not on record that the
speculation was bad one. One day a
young lady visitor from the North, to
whom the sight of the poker tables was
rather an alarming one, said to the
wife of the statesman: Mrs. Clay,
doesn't it shock you to sec your hus-
band playing cards so much in his own
homc?" 80, no." replied the benevo-
lent old lady, innocently; che most al
ways wins. - Washington Hatchet.
Hello! Simpson, old boy; how feel
ing this morningP | see you were fined
$40 yesterday for being drunk on the
street and fighting an Italian crossing
sweeper" "Me? never was drunk in
my life, and have been out of town
for two weeks; just got back this morn
ing" "Well, here it is in the paper,
anyhow, plain as day: Marcus Ii.
Simpson, grandmother, of SID Barley
street. ''Lemme see the paper. Well,
truth is dead in this world. The news
papers are lying more than ever, The
miserable liar of a reporter who wrote
that, ! told the Judge my name was
Thomas Jones, and that lived in Han
nibal, New jersey. There's no liar like
a newspaper!''-Broobiyn Eagle.
Dude-Ha! my deah boy; come down
town with me for half an hour. wish
to get a new hat. Anglomanac with
horror in his countenance) - Why,
you're mad. surely. D.-Mad! Why?
Ado you know what day it is? D.
Certainly. 1t is Saturday A.-Well,
do You know, my deah, fellow, it is con-
sidered extremely vulgah in England to
DO shopping Saturday. DYE dawn't
say? A.-Fact. my deah boy. D.
Then, I'll wait TIL Monday. Much
obliged to you, old chappee, for calling
my attention to it. l should have died
of mawtiication if | had gone shopping
and any of the young ladies of our set
had seen me.-BOStOR Courier.
when ! was a young man." said the
reJ-headed citizen, Il wanted TO be
Texas cowboy. got position on a
ranch after correspondence with the
owner, and went, full of enthusiasm, to
begin my wild life upon the plains.
When / met my employer my hopes
were blightcd. He took look at me
and said: You are a strengthening
fellow. but YOU won't do. Then, look
ing at my flaming topknot, continued,
No. YOU won't do. Every bull in the
| herd would start for YOU the minute
YOU went into the corral. and if YOU
Wercn' gored TO death there would be no
les, than Il thousand dollars worth of
cattle killed in the scrimmagc. -
louisville Post
Dear VIII, said the bride of three
months. - am really afraid that you
have deceived me. Your breath has
several times smeled OF liquor Now,
| don't YOU drink?' "Why, pet how
can YOU suspect me? Drink To be
sure not. The doctor tells me that |
have weak gums, and | occasionally
rub them with alcohol to harden them"
"But, VIII. dear. beer doesn't smell
like alcohol, does it?' 'Of course, pet.
Don't YOU know that it is alcohol in
beer that makes it intoxicating? BY the
way. pet, there is a volume of chemis-
try in my library. You had better look
over that, and YOU will understand
these matters more fully. "-PhitaClet-
2biG Chronicle.
A young man who wished to send
some complimentary verses to lady
whose beautiful singing ut a conserva-
tory concert had pleased his fancy. got
an impecunious friend who was a brill
liant rhymster to get them up for him.
The result pleased him greatly, and he
copied them and sent them to the lady
as the Outcome of an idle moment,
from yours, -" The next day they
were returned with an interrogation
mayG under his name. To his chagrin
and rage he found he had used sheet
of paper without noticing that his
friend, who had probably called when
he was out, had scrawled across the
back: dear j: ] can't let you
have the last verses to Miss B. for
less than 81. Please be more prompt
than YOU were last time.-BOSton Bed-
con.
Miss Birdie McGinnis has been pay
ing q great deal of attention TO Tom
Anierry, a student at the University of
Texas. Her affection has been recipro-
Gated very literally by Tom. Still