The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1887-02-10
ARTEMUS WARD.
The Humorist's Trip Through the West
How He Bulldozed aFelIow-Passenger.

when Art6mus w ara le1I ''tne SlateS
for the purpose of capturing the Nor
mons. or being captured by them, he
had for fellow-passenger on the stage
q man from the east, who had been
over the overland route once. and who
felt that it was his duty 10 lengthen
many q weary hour for the meditative
and sensitive humorist by unbosoming
himself of what he knew of the country
and other paraphernalia of the west.
When they got pretty well out and
Ar.emus was still alive, the talking
passenger remarked, pointing out OF the
| stage window:
These are the great western plains
you read about?"
..The great plains?" said Ward,
| waking up and looking out "Why,
where are the towering mountains. the
snow-capped peaks, aud the foothills
which adorn them?"
mo mountains ever adorned the
plains" said his friend. They are on
dead level"
well, now," said Artemus, 81 must
have read of these somewhere long ago.
| in connection with the plains. In some
it, what great changes have taken
winds of late years have completely
leveled this couAtry till there isn't
mountain in sight, nor tree to climb
up and feast your eyes on. There has
been a great change great change.
These plains are not even rolling or un-
dulating, as they once were, but how
they ever got them to stop rolling or
undulating is something that puzzles
me, but they can do anything here in
this great west. Yet where are the
buffaloes that used to 60 buffaloing. and
the antelopes that went anteloping
across these plains?'
"They have been ruthlessly killed of
for their SKINS" was the answer.
"Ah, yes; ah, yes; reflect now. The
buffalo robe has gone TO make the seal
skin sacque of the effete and shivering
Ieast. worn very late and very early in
the season, the symbol of metropolitan
lextravagance; also. to furnish the wal
rus oyerceat, or to collar and cuff the
loyercoat of the imminent theatrical
manager. or to warm the star whose
scintiffations. although they serve to
occasionally warm the audience, leave
him cold and shivering when the play
is over. All, yes, the buffalo robe!
where they grew? l have heard that
the buffalo wIth-as little cOmpunction as
they would take one out of my sleigh.
and let its shorn owner gallop off. sing
ing in the language of Rpbespierre:
Tue knife Of the hunter my b, hath torn,
To the western shore we travel shorn.
But are all the bisons gone from their
ancient domains?'
There are verv few left; hardly
enough to supply the market for jerked
meat.
"Jerked buffalo meat? Yes, yes.
remember / had some for Il lunch in
Kansas City after lecture. It's tough.
You fastcn your teeth on it. get good
grip with both hands. and jerk when
you don't get bite. know it. have
no sympathy for the buffalo. 1t is q
tough road he travels, and he deserves
il. But sec; there goes band of noble
Indians on the warpath!'
''Oh, no. Those are cowboys"
"Yes. now | see. A band of noble
cowboys on the cowpath. But are there
no Indian residents of these plains lef
around here?"
They're about all gone west, ol
dead"
That's just what said long ago
II it kept OH that way there would no
be noble red man left nor right.
never did uphold this promiscuou:
slaughtering of Indians in dispatches o
our frontier commanders. l alway:
i thought they killed too many, on paper
unnecessarily, and that it was not only
disastrous to the Indians, but 1t wa
Il S,,l ha I'D
numbers with ink, but we have enough
OF them to spare. Then, look at tn,
number of indians it takes to supply thu
authors of the weekly dime novels
to the happy hunting grounds before
they know it or are prepared for it!
said long since that at the rate the
sanguinary authors were slaug hterine
them. in few years time they would
have to go back into the past fol
enough Piutes to stock two chapters Of
border tale. However. in expeditions
after hostile tribes l have always ad-
vocated the policy of taking one Indian
romance writer along to put him at the
front, and the demand would soon ex,
haust the supply. and save the lives o.
our precious soldiers. Still, sigh
grabs me when l think how the abo
rigine is being driven toward the set
ting sun, and l wonder what will hap
pen when he is driven into it," And
Artemus wiped an imaginary tear ou
of his imaginary eye with nearly an i'm
aginary handkerchief.
After reflective pause the now sub
dued passenger said:
This Is the great west"
Yes" said Artemus, "the great ives
, out here gets pretty far west. more ives
, than it has ever been in its life, ant
yearly more so.
WESTWARD the course of empire holds IL
way.
never was in section where TIA,
country was more numerous and stretch
ed out on the Indian rubber plan, us l
were. There is more of it to the Squar,
mile than ever saw before. l obscrv,
that on these plains the eye can sac al
far us it can reach. and then it has tt
sit down. exhausted, to rest before i
can continue its excursion further away
Distance is all knocked endways here
Now you observe those elkS over there. '
"Elks! Those are Texas cattle"
Il should have said Texas cattle
They only seem half mile away, bu
if was sent out to reach them woul,
be two miles away in no time. A mill
is nowhere here. Everything is bound
less. You buy claim out here and
is also boundless. Next thing you know
you have half of all your nei" hbors
claims. OF course you'll fight littl
over it. Every foot of these plains ha
been hallowed by the pen of Emerson
Bennett. Now there is your beautiful
prairie flower; there is"
: That's a jimson weed"
Il mean the one right by It,"
That's prairie thistle"
well, what l mean to say is that
am going to sleep. Good day. DE