Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1887-10-30
MY ADVERTISEMENT.


My name is Peter Piper Peppercorn
Stropg-i. arm, and, strange to say,
am not cynic, nor pessimist, nor
joker, nor strangest OF ALA fool.
Yet bad been each and all think
nigh, have pleaded, with some show OF
reason, that my friends did their best az
the font TO dedicate me TO the service OF
folly.
shall never forget the hour when.
being at the time about eight years old,
stumbled for the first time on that
famous nursery question relative TO the
mythical peppcrcorns said TO have been
picked by one Peter Piper. had not
the smallest doubt that il had refe-
renee 10 some famous action OF one of
my forefathers, and experienced the
agreeable sensation OF feeling myself
the bearer of an historic name. Since
then / have been Mt great public
school, TO say nothing of my university
ordeal, and have had sensations that
were not agreeable.
We're my parents insane? Not more
than most parents are /; that is to say,
they dotted on their single bantling, as
he had been the only one of his species.
l have notion that they did not ex-
pect any more bantlings to arrive in
future, and. desiring to have particu-
lar set of names carried over to the
next generation, they adopted the un-
happy expedient of making me the
bearer Of them all.
My father was Peter StIong-i-th'-
arm my mother, before she was mar
ried. was Miss Piper. of Piper Hall, in
the noble county of Herts (; my mater
nal grandmother was that Mistress Sell
ma Peppercorn, daughter of Admiral
PeppeIco,n, whose fame at Bath is in
ali the chronicles, and ought 10 be in
Macaulay's picturesque History of Eng
land, though il is not. After six duels
bad been fought about her she refused
the hand of the Earl of Bonsal-a hand
said to be worth 10000 poundsa year
and made a runaway match with the
impecunious Squire of Ratchley, my
worthy grandfather All me, what q
thing is family pride Out of it sprang
Peter Piper PeppercOrn Strong-i-th'-
arm, your humble servant.
/ am q believer in the convenient
doctrine of Obscure Causes, think
my name had something to do with it.
but when was fifty-one years Of age
was still bachelor Mrs. Peter Piper
Peppercorn Strong-i thu rm-no, it
would not work. Did | not know that
Master Jacobus de Voraigne had sue
cinctly. pithily, pathetically, perspicu-
Ouslv, Up. p. p. forever y and elegantly
delivered twelve motions in Latin to
mitigate the miseries of marriage? In
truth did but then l also knew the
Antiparodia to it done into fine old
English. Perhaps because could read
English more fuently than Latin, l
thought the twelve English motions
ought to be carried. So, in my bache-
lorbood / was happy and contented-
the blind Away are.
Father and mother dead, / lived in
the old place, in something OF the old
style. / still mounted postilliOn. and
rode in the old coach with yellow wheels
and leather springs. | shot, | fisbed, |
boated, occasionally | hunted. | led
very quiet life, saw very few people,
and was proud of Ivy wine cellar. Hob
bies two-bees and mosses-One eccen-
tricity-I thought myself as well set-up
a man as any within league or two OF
Urochs Chacc live at Urohhs Chace.
Ny life had no adventure in it, no
romance, and no trouble, until the
sudden death, by heart. disease, of my
old housekeeper. She had been in the
family for over fifty years in fact, was
originally engaged as my nurse. She
knew all my ways and whims, and ran
the establishment like clockwork. (ln
the term establishment | include my
SELF Her death was to Urochs Chace
very much what a revolution is to a
kingdom or a mlltiny 10 ships com
pany. All the loud elements seemed
10 be let loose, and where order had
reigned disorder began to riot. |
realized for the first time the necessity
and the sovereignty of women IN the
domestic economy. / tried in vain to
get a suitable housekeeper. All such
persons seemed either to have recently
died, emigrated, or married. My ex-
perience may be summed up in one
bitter sentence In twelve short
months no fewer than twelve miserable
women tried to keep house at the
Chace and departed unblest.
My old Observation-Disclosures and
gentle-hearted Sir Giles Fauntleroy-
said to me one day: "Your time has
come, Strong-i-th'-ar you had bet
ter marry. AS well hang for a sheep
as a lamb, wife as a housekeeper."
"Nay, nay; Tir sine UrOre malO-
rum erpers est" l answered, signing.
"a palpable lie, Strong-i' til arm-a
palpable lie. Optina viri possessiO
Is uTor bonecOla. Sayeth not Solo
mon, 'She is pillar of rest? Co
lunna QuictiS. Cad, and it's true
too"
told him to help himself to some
wine, and the subject dropped. A week
or two later Sir Giles made another
suggestion.
why don't you advertise in the
Times Z" said he.
Advertise Let those advertise
who believe IN it. L do not"
Suppose you don't, what then :?
Nobody will ask you to make contes-
sion of faith. 1t will be enough for
them if you will pay your money"
The idea fingered after my friend
took his departure. l did not like the
idea. The fact that while all the world
was given up to advertising had never
been Influenced in the remotest degree
by any kind of advertisement was one
OF the little tributary rills that helped
to swell the stream of my self.com-
placency. Was / now to fall under the
spell OF the general delusion? All l
know is was at my wits end.
That same evening sent off to the
Times the following advertisement
WANIED.-In single gentleman's
establishment, an expert housekeeper,
not under thirty widow with one
child not objected to; docility,
honesty. sobriety, and thorough re-
spectability indispensable. Apply So
and-so."