Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1887-07-07
J0B wORRs
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Cards, BiA.Hssds, Circulars, Pes.
isfs, Etc.,
rsoArrssr sAxNsA Avn At
REASONABLE RATES.
~ Appsy here Lsioss ssesrsax ssss~hsrs
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FACT AND FANCY.

heaven! ~
A harp aud crown is In store for the genius
who can invent an electric motor which win
move the vulgar gaxers from about the church
doors on Sunday mornings
Last Sunday Rev. MIR. Grlniths, OF Kent
Conn, prayed for rain, aud two days later
there came big thunder shower bringing a
ball Of lightning which struck the church.
The clergyman who advised the women Of
his congregation to get along with only two
bonnets a year was probably put up to II by
his wife. Minister'S wives generally have TO.
When the lrreligIous man goes to the tcle-
phone he usually says 'llellor When he
comes away from the telephone he Is very apt
10 turn the expression around the other way.
Lots Of pretty girls III New York wear nut
meg around their nccks as a charm against
malaria, Young men have II sprinkled on top
Of glass Of milk and things for the same pur
pose,
Overheard IN Boston; First Lady, am
surprised at your not caring for Phillips
Brooks Second I.ady-Oh do care for him
like him very much, hut just dote on
Buddhal
Madame scolds her maid: "How Ia this,
FRANCHISE, don't YOU know any better than 10
clean my rubbcrs with my toothbrushr' "Ah,
madame, | was just going to tell you; the
other brushes were SO large aud your slippers
so small"
A talented pianist Mime, de ", sitting
at dinner Nv the side Of Col Ramellet, asked
him In an amlablc tone; Colonel, are You
fond OF musicw MADAME" replied the
warrior, rolling his eyes savagely, II am not
afraid OF tn
A thrifty husband ut Boston had his first
wifc's portrait made into fancy picture out
Of respect To his second wifc's feelings, The
color Of the eyes was changed, golden locks
gave place 10 raven trcsscs and the head was
surmounted 10y a theatrical looking hat
Mattcr.of.fact Lady CpoIntIng to art treas.
rc)-Thnt's real cutel Enthuslast--Yes, It's
nearly Ave hundred years old. Matterot.fact
Lady (encournglngly) Never mind nobody
would know n you didn't tell, aud its real
pretty all the same, Enthusiast moved to
tears,
Methodist preachers IN session In Philadcl,
phla passed u resolution excluding reporters,
and there probably wasn't clergyman In the
convention who at some time has not smiled
sweetly upon some reporter In order that u
long and stupid sermon might see the light OF
print
Some people have n way OF talking as II
they know everything aud could manage
everything 80 well II everybody else would get
out Of the way and let them direct II all. As
you look upon them you wonder how tho
Lord got on without them before they came
and how he viii get on without them when
they go,
Al LcwIstown, Me-, u few days ago a little
girl fell Into n feed.box, twelve by fifteen
inches, running from n hay-loft to a trough
below. She fell In head frat, aud slipped out
through broken board IN the trough, fright
ening the horse 81 that he rnn away. All she
said about her accident was MA, the horse
In loose"
They were discussing theosophy. lie was
argumcntatlvc aud skcptlcal; she enthusiastic
and credulous. lie had remarked that ths
chief exponent here Of the new faith appeared
10 be fully aware on which side his bread was
buttcred, "Iudeed, he Is not" she cried In
dgnantly. ale Is above all such worldly
matters, aud, Furthermore, he eats nothing
but rice"
A letter recently received at the North
Adams, Mass, postolllce was addressed as
follows; ITO the state OF Massachusetts,
where North Adams ncstles mid the hills
peaceful aud fair there put IN the postotiicc
safe under lock aud key until - - calls
and says. is there any u.ail for mepn All
over the face Of this letter was written tho
words Rats" and "Chcsnuts" Inscribed by
the different mailing clerks through whose
hands the letter had passed. $3.50.
Jabez Hall, an aged and reputable planter, lIv.
Ing near Mariana, Ark, advertised for a wife,
and the answers were 50 numerous that he
was at n loss how to choose. Ills gigantic In
lellcct came TO his rescue, however, lie gave
each applicant n number, and wr lting the
numbers on separate cards, put them In box
and shook them M well. Then he blind.
folded his little grandchld and had her draw
q card from the box. lie Is now correspond.
ing with the lady to whom the card had been
allotted, aud II Is probable that wedding
will result.
Tho following specimen OF getting even"
Is related by correspondent Of TIE u mira
IN. W Gas,t'G Miss Sawyer, who Is poor,
was introduced at lunch party 10 Miss fay-
ior who IL rich, and was coldly recesed..
an. u,,.,,.a. 4. L.i,,,t ,,J Ioou,,. ba~ .w,
',.Ia..,. -, NJ tr..Ior,. No., on. u,,.
''.I...LaI AL -, oLooru,. .,,,m az clad
A. mao, ,o, I,vn a,,.vs w,,tcd IN It'. an
So 80, mama "a s.w,er aud nv Grand.
,",n., ,."s ,ai,or aud ,our name ia T,yIor
.aa ,o"s a,,naf.,,.r w,s s,w,.r Nina
- ,a al. o,o,ho. Tor vonrs and vours
- ., 80. - d., ,,iro -
r, 49,, 49,, .,.,, a.. L..
Inc iono"n"s nSn a' Tr. ~ 70" ~
appears ~ 'ee ,,',,, ,,suo y, =" Da" 49,
.o"'"'''''' ""'an .'o, "
"as'', nus n"u '"o s."s',s ~, - - - - w." -"
ea'"'a v, guy m. -, o.,
,,I,,h,s sirc. ond ,,,ycd him for ovcr an
-. .a.,,r ,.,a,nr him hv tho Il,bt NJ ,
,.,,or, Tho ash had seemed suIky all Tho
,,,,,a all dId No, rIse IIkc a KIND and oblipiup
800. d.r s.,,non This was cxnl.Ined when
\. n.Ta5 ,h. saline, "a hc found that the
a., 80 h.a, hon,oa neor His tail II was
,ho ,nos, nccu,,ar cIrcums,ance that has han.
- =, ,ho oshI,. .yron,ds this ye.r
-. ,...,,
sen"'""'' M r, ~. IT,, - -
d. us 'i"o' s"' 80 ~ 10, -, a.
us wig y. ,ns o'. .'a -. -, Sn,a,n,,,
n,o'h,ns' 'aA"g 'no upp,' ~. -, .,n
n's WIZ :" '"o w. ~,
uuJoh"S st"'o'oo"' "s'S "'''',S' " 49,