The Canton advocate. [volume] (Canton, D.T. [S.D.]) 1877-1897, 1887-08-04
ETERNAL FITNESS.

acre Crosslots said: "Nothin' but bathin'
suits"
ETERNAL FITNESS.
"It is never too late to mend" remarked
the pastor, closing his illustration. "Good
thing" commented his son. "And whya"
asked the parent. because the older man
is the more lie needs repairs"
THE NEW, NEW STORY.
At the Church of the Holy Sinners-Dearly
beloved, you will find the words of my text
this morning in the fifth paragraph of the
fourth column on the second page of The
Sunday Screamer. In order, however, to
fix clearly in your minds the apparent rela-
tions of New York divorces and New Jersey
murders, will first read the entire article
| before going on with the sermon. breaches
the gospel most acceptably for an hour, and
| only makes one mistake; reads circulation
affidavit as reference in the prophecy of
Daniel, but naturally enough none of his
congregation know any better)
LY1N's (FAR) FROM POPE.
Loathe poor Indian, whose sun tutored mind,
Inc settlers hut or soldier scamp will find,
HIS sole proud Science never taught to stray,
Because by day or night he knows the way;
Ahd simple nature for his soap has given,
some colored clays of hues not born in heaven;
10 be, contents his natural desire,
but what to be, it's well not to inquire;
he asks no angels wing, he does not care
For anything except the angels hair
And such naughty spirit doth he hath,
lie Will not take an insult or a BATH
HARMONY IN ONE EASY LESSON.
John Sullivan has been offered 5000 a year
to sing bass in Boston choir, The members
OF the church say it is big price to pay for
music, but that peace and harmony are worth
it.
LEAF FROM AN UNPUBLISHED NOVEL.
"Agamemnon," said his wife, softly, as she
opened the door of her husbands study,
where the colonel was busily engaged upon
his great speech for the coming Grand Army
reunion, "Agamemnon, dear, there is man
In the parlnr who wishes to see you moment.
He says it tell you that old Norm, the dead
shot OF old G company of the old Threety-
twoth Of the old Onth brigade of the old
maIchin' division of the old Worst corps, Is
on post, you will know him."
The colonel, who was carefully reconnoiter-
Ing down the ''bic" column of the dictionary
to ascertain the proper spelling of bichewm-
nous, lost his place and was irritated.
sly all the gods that fought at Cohoes, or
some other place up that way, I can't be
bothered by every duffer that served in the
United States army. I don't know him; I
never heard Of such a man; never served in
that corps. That fellow was n deserter, any
how; courtmartialed him myself; there was
no such man in my regiment. Tell him I'm
busy; tell him Pm out of town; tell him I'm
dead; send him away. Here, I'll 60 down
and bounce the beggar myself; I'll bet 81 900
he wants to borrow money of me. I'll 20
down and fire him out. I've had enough of
Ii,
loafer, with nothing better to do than bother
busy people who don't want to see him.
Where Is the tramp? OH Well! well! we'll!
Old Norml If amt glad to see you! was
askin' some of the old boys only yesterday if
they knew where you were; was goin' to
write to you. don't know any man in the
old fighting Threety- -twoth I'd rather see than
you No, you don't have to go, neither;
you're goin' to stay to dinner; put down that
hat; some of the boys'u be up this evening,
expect. Say, do you remember that time
down at Fort Slaughter when you and me"--
The remaining chapters of this interesting
novelette, will not be published here, but if
you want to risk little money yos can get a
bet OF several thousand dollars and twenty
cents that at least a dozen subscribers Of The
Eagle know all the other chapters by heart.
LEARNING TO THINK.
B Sir Isaac Newton, of Newton Centre, Mass,
was one of the greatest thinkers that ever
carried thinker in his bootleg. Whatever
he saw he endeavored to find out cause for
it. But as he was thinking oil the time he
didn't see great deal One day, as he was
sitting in the garden, oiling up his thinker,
he saw an apple fall from tree. Most men
would have supposed that it fell of its own
accord, but Sir Isaac had been boy himself
long before founding the theological seminary
which perpetuates his name, which, by the
way, is q very easy one to SPELL He at once
began to wonder what made the apple fall;
some foolish people say that he wondered why
it didn't fall mp instead of down, but that Is
all rubbish. Sir Isaac was no fool if he was
philosopher, and he knew that everything
falls down except wig, and that false hair.
After pronounced awfter) much thought
and study upon the subject, he discovered the
cause; he noticed that apples were more dis
posed to fall down after school was dismissed
than during study hours. So the next time
be went into the garden he lay low, and when
the apple fell be held his breath until the
cause came swiftly over the fence to pick up
the effect Sir Isaac collared the boy, for it
was he, and taught him how easily pain
might be produced by the rapid impingement
of a common apple switch upon exposed or
only partially protected portions of the hui
man form divine. He illustrated his theory
with a few simple experiments such as a boy
Of ordinary intelligence could easily compre-
hend. This valuable discovery of Sir Isaac's
has been great boon to grown up humanity,
1t is now universally known that apples are
more apt to fall when there are few boys at
large in the vicinity than at any other time,
and that apples will fall for boy when they
might have defied the laws Of gravitation for
months longer. This sublime fact teaches US
that notifications that are at first artificial
are rendered spontaneous by heredity.
This incident of the apple tree, however,
had one bad effect upon Sir Isaac. 1t led
him to hate boys, and be devoted much Of
his time to making life burden to them.
With this revengeful object in view he In.
vented the attraction Of grayitation, apd by
joins resolution of congress, which hjeasiIY
acc aE;plished by persuading the members Of
thc house that there was big appropriation
In l., he got 1t established as fundamental
law Of nature. with jurisdiction over the
tides, the seasons and the movements Of the
planets, and many other things which boys
have since been compelled to learn. So it is
that whenever boy sees an apple he thinks
of Sir Isaac Newton first, and then he thinks
Of some way to get the apple, and by and by
he wonders if he can find the pain killer in
the dark, and then he thinks how awful it
would be to die there all alone, in the night,
and then be thinks if be lives till morning he
will give the rest Of his apples to his little
brother, and thus you see quite Rtrain Of
thought is awakened in. the boys mind by
6ir Isaao's great discovery.
Sir Isaac never took out patent on his dis
covery, but the Bell Telephone company
claims that the principle is covered by their
invention and the patents relating thereto,
and If the courts sustain this claim, as they
probably viii viii every W time time mar, man picks up up
have to pay the telephone company roy
atty, and every time he has anything to do
Will tho telephone company he will drop