davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08

First Art Critic at an exhibition Great
Scott
Second Art Critic-I should say so.
"How under the sun are we to get up our
critiquesT'
81 don't know. There is no way to dis
tinguish good paintings from bad"
"None at ell. There isn't single price
mark in the whole catalogue. Omaha
World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Ilihu Washburne. Sr. and ,Jr.

Ehhu b. Washburne, Jr., who was called
home by the death of his distinguished father
from the college he had been attending at
kingston n. Y, told this anecdote of him to
friend at the Coleman house, New York:
The ex-minister was entirely lacking in ap-
probation of American humor From the
time he was rocked in the old oak cradle at
Llvermore he saw the sterner side of life, and
failed with the most favorable surroundings
to appreciate Yankee fun. Last summer
Ellhu, Jr., spent some weeks with his father
at the old homestead in Maine During the
collegiate year the young man had not failed
to draw on his father for funds As the old
gentleman was sitting and reading and medi-
tating perhaps on the proneness of youth to
make money fly upward, like the sparks,
EIhu, Jr., passed by in the hall singing in a
fine baritone:
The fifteen dollars
Ia my inside pocket,
whereat the elder lost no time in answering,
IN the same strain, but with a slightly sar-
castle intOnation:
Since when, Elihu,
Since when?
Chicago Herald.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
STORIES OF MEN.
DIR. BryaEt's Joke Upon a Teller of Old
Stories.

DR.. Bryant, who accompanied President
Cleveland on his recent tour through the
west and south, is a serious man, who never
jokes and never uses slang. One day the
doctor was walking through the woods on
the Belle-Meade farm, near Nashville, with
Gen. Bill" Jackson, who is known far and
wide as a very successful racounteur The
general was in particularly high spirits that
day, and stories ran out of him like sap out
OF sugar maple.
AT the end of one especially good story the
doctor, who did not seem to be much pricked
by the point OF it, continued to look up at the
trees, which he had been some time examin-
ing, and said:
General, you raise good many chestnuts
here, don't youP'
All the rest of the day the doctor Won
dered why Gen. Jackson told no more stories.
Chicago News
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Electric Railway Systems.

Twelve miles of electric railway will be
built this fall in Cincinnati, thirteen miles in
Richmond, Va, and one mile in st. Joseph,
Mo. Atlanta is to have an electric system,
Binghamton has four and half miles and
Wilmington will have road mile and
half long. A six mile road will run from
Baltimore to Ellicott City.-Brooklyn Eagle.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Bishop Potter's Poser.

Bishop Potter is credited with the follow
ing joke; A young clergyman, not far from
Harlem, being on the eve of marriage, and
not wishing to trouble any of his clerical
brethren, wrote to the bishop inquiring if,
as he had already published the bans from
his own pulpit, he could marry himself.
The bishop at once capped the query with
another: "Could you bury yourself." That
settled it.-New York Ledger.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
The Force of Habit.

In court: Prisoner, what is your calingan
workman, without work: and, your
honor, I've now got so used to it that if times
should get better, give you my word don't
believe | should be able to do stroke."-
Judge
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
No Ear for Music.

Sister Clara practicing at the piano.
Wasn't that young Mr.. Featherly, Bobby,
who spoke to you on the street just now?
Bobby-Yep, he's goin' home to dinner.
Sister Clara Stimulating indifference)-Did
he have anything particular to sayl
Bobby-He asked me if that was the piano
tuner in the parlor.-New York Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Funnier Than 1t Seems.

The Princess Bismarck, speaking to a
friend shortly after man in Posen had left
her husband about $500, said: "Im so glad
Bismarck got the money just at this time,
when he needs good, steady horse to ride. He
always refused to buy one on the ground that
he couldn't afford it. 1t comes in handy,
doesn't itr' The prince, it will be remem-
bered, has an income of S125 600 year.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
A Practical Suggestion.

Beggar-Please, sir, give poor man some
assistance.
Gent.-rve nothing for you.
Beggar-You might subscribe on the in
stallment plan, and pay over the first Install
ment now and the next on the first of the
month. Then you wouldn't feel it much
Texas Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Dickens, Characteristic Reply.

An enterprising phrenologist once wrote
note to the late Charles Dickens, asking per-
mission to make an examination of his era
MUM. Dickens replied: 'Dear sir: At this
time 1 require the use of my skull, but as
soon as it shall be at leisure l will willingly
place it at your disposal. Manchester
Guardian.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
A Kinder Horse Never Lived.

Passenger on front platform-That nigh
one looks like pretty good horse.
Driver-A kinder animal never lived.
Passenger-Kindl How SO!
Driver-He kinder bites and kinder kicks
and kinder wants to run once in a while
New York Star.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08

DO you want humorists" inquired sad
eyed young man.
mo, sir. What we want is humor rest"
replied the editor, who was writing up the
funny column Washington Critic.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
EXECUTED WITH A PEN.

Cardinal
Beneath the sliding rule of men entirely great,
The typewriter is greater than the sword.
Oldgold--Who swored, my lord?
Cardinal
The man who received the Typewriter letter;
The printers who set up the copy;
Whole words spelled in the space of one small m,
With all the letters piled on top of another,
Like to Chinese sentence standing on its head.
What sense is there in this?-"Rgw? GHops
ffidwwdt"
And yet l know it means THE horse fell dead"
In all the lexicons we use there's no such word
AS ''kbftlIa)IsnT;" yet full well know
1t stands in this man note, for ''information;"
/ have so learned the tangled language of the
thing,
That all its jargon is writ plain for me;
But sorely do fear that learning it,
have made hopeless wreck of temperate
speech
And lost my front pew standing in the syna-
gogue.
See. all around this line Of consonants
Scared with lost capitals, the proof reader has
drawn
His awful circle with the pencil blue;
Stand off, while on this correspondents head
launch the cuss of our composing Room.
THE cuss
Dog gone the billy be dog goned man of thumbs,
The diddledy dag goned chalky fingered loon;
Y gum; y gaul; cd rabbit; jeeminy petit
Cad cooks; odd boddikins; by Venus glove;
By Mars his gauntlet; by the river side;
Sweet by and by, and bo oh, baby by;''-
lat this point the caitiff slowly withers away
Brooklyn Eagle.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Tabor to the Rescue.

at is shame,n said patriotic Colorado
man to Senator Tabor, ''that we have no
monuments to any of our great men In this
state"
$50 it is. I'll have my measure taken for
one Immediately" was the reply.-Chlcago
A Lost Lesson in Etiquette.
Miss Struckoyle Gn whisper)-Dontp place
your napkin under your chin, papa
Pater Struckoyle lin growl)-Good Lord,
child! You don't expect me to eat soup with
the back Of my neck, do yous-The Judge
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08

"What swells your face up so awfully,
boy" Jumping toothache." Doesn't it
hurt!" "Nearly kills me-" Come into my
Office" said the kind young dentist, land I'll
cure it for you in minute" Don't want
it cured" replied the boy; "want it to keep
me out of school on the race days. It's
mighty rough on a feller at nights, mister,
but wouldn't take ten dollars for this tooth,
Just the samen
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
THE HOUR OF TEMPTATION.

"You can trust me now," said the penitent,
resolutely, II wouldn't tell a lie to save my
life" But can you trust yourself!" asked
the pastor, anxiously, "a habit of exaggera-
ton and prevarication isl II can tell the
truth without a struggle" insisted the re-
formed man, "the season is about over, and
beside, some hound got into the store last
night and stole my trout rod; the prettiest
thing you ever whipped brook with (;
weighed four and a half ounces, and in 1879
landed seabass with it that weighed"-
But the minister had lighted a candle and
gone away to get his bell and book
ANOTHER HEARTLESS EVICTION.
Not alone in suffering Ireland and bleeding
Iowa does the curse of landlordis1n make
desolate homes and aching hearts. We have
Just learned, from sources that cannot be
doubted, that young Willoughby Kitteredge
Stackblossom, who has been boarding at Mrs.
Hashbacon's well known boarding house for
six weeks past, was last evening fired out of
his apartments" by the landlady, who re-
tanned his Sunday gloves and cane, thus
thrusting the unhappy tenant into the street
practically naked. Mr.. Stackblossom has
long been one of the social lights of our city,
and if his place at the suspender counter is
vacant tomorrow morning it will be because
the worst has come. A man can live upon
worst, however, for an indefinite space of
period There is something that usually goes
with worst, but we do not know how to
spell it.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
Helena, Montana Thursday, December 8, 1887.
DEACON BURCETTE.
wITH COSTS or THE PRosEcUTIoN.

prisoner, did you kill this boy!' II did,
your honor; cut his throat. He shot me in
the ear With a rubber sling, and"- "The
prisoner is discharged, and the sheriff will
give him back his knife and tell the janitor
to sharpen it for him"
THE GHOST AND THE GRIG
My son, be uniformly serious in your con-
versation with strangers. 1t is an uncomfort-
able situation to be in, having uttered
merry little pleasantly, to learn, from the icy
chill that congeals your hearts blood, that
you are talking to that awful and human ice
berg, the man who never jokes. There is only
one worse thing in the world of horrors-the
man who always jokes.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-08
L PHILANTHROPY.

"What is the charger" asked the justice.
"Well, sor," said the officer, 'this man
knocked the child here Until the gutter, thin
kicked him all the way across the sthreet, an
,hin KEN up wild 'em he was batin' him wild
the tail gate of a doomp cart" ''Why did
you assault the child, prisoners" Because
he threw a stone at poor catn "What is
your businessf' Il am a philanthropist."
He got thirty days for sentiment and retec-
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
Too Cute for Dog.
81. Louis Globe-Demoera..

81. Louis GIo6e-Dtmocr1t.
Between hare and hound there is all the
difference between weakness and strength
and, IS tho world goeg, tho former usual
ly gets the worst OF it. The Creator, how
ever, has given cunning to the weaker
party, and this sometimes makes him more
than a match for bis prosecutor. .
A laughab!e instance OF this occurred
awhile ago at rabbit hunt near Hohokus,
M. "a ffE.- -Tol7,.I.,-.'
The hound started the "cotton-tail" in
piece OF short brush on side hill. Tho
hunter could witness the race at great
distance, and soon saw the rabbit making
q great circle. AS he appeared emerging
from the brush he was seen to stop sud.
denly. On rushed the hound, and ss he
lowered his head to seize the little ami
NAL, the rabbit gave spring to one side
and the dog doubled up like ball. While
he was letting himself out the rabbit was
making time on the back track. .s
g The hound WIS soon in full pursuit
again, but the rabbit led the dog to where
two eaplinga grew close together from an
old root. He then stopped as before and
waited until the dog was almost upon him,
when he leaped between the two saplinss,
while tho dog attempted to follow. But
there was barely room for tho rabbit, and
the hound was caught in the crotch and
badly injured. The rabbit turned and
looked at his enemy minute and was
soon lost in the thicket. The dog started
Immediately for home, and no amount Of
coaxing could induce him to continue the
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18

IL. !. Gurcts'e IN Erookln Eagle Il.
An old soldier lay dying in q little town
IN Pennsylvania, one day last week. as
there anything on your mind that troubles
you" asked his pastor, as IN expression
otgrave concern passed over the yeteran's
face. EYES," said the dying man "there
is. ! have not made use OF my opportuni-
tiea. l was in the war about four years, in
many battles, and thought tried to do
my duty. But I never picked up q lighted
shell, with its burning fuse eputtering
close to the shell, and threw it over the
parapet Of the fort. + have been repr-
lar attendant upon army reunions, and |
haye read the newspapers since tho war,
and find that nm the only man in the
Union Army who has not performed that
tsat, although l had plenty Of opportuni-
ties. My life has been wasted" "But
Why" asked tho pastor, kindly, "did you
not do it when you had IN opportunity 2"
Because" said the gallant old soldier. II
wanted to save the she'll. I ALWAYS knelt
down and pulled tho fuse out with my
testh" And then the noble life went ouf
with snap like friction primer,
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
Little, but Oh MY!

lHGluNdp0ta uRpulcNu I'd a....+ PSI. ..t ".
A special TO the Journal from Martina.
vile says: "Ilenry Flowers, a l4.year-old
boy oil Jefferson township, this county, ID
ono OF tho moot peculiar specimens OF hu.
manity that has ever como to light in this
aection. &c came to town last Saturday,
az Ia his usual custom, and was taken to
the Mansion House Of this city by two
prominent .citizena, who bargaired with
tho landlord to furnish the boy Equsre
meal for 1ftyfve cents, they wishing 10
satisfy their own curiosity as to his abili-
ties 81 MI eater. They did not have long
to wait until their fondestl hope Of get.
ting the joke upon" the landlord
was realized. He ate six pieces Of
light bread, two piecea Of corn
bread, two largo slices OF beef, roasted
with gravy; two large slces Of roasted
pork, four large potatoes, ono dish OF beans
one dish Of slaw, two dishes OF hominy,
one dish OF parsnips, and two pieces OF pie.
After eating his pie he called for q bowl OF
oysters and was informed that they were
not on tho bill of faro for that day. Ho
then went to Dr.. Biackstone's to eat again,
and his meal there consisted OF seven DO.
tatoes, three elices OF bread, each six BY
eight inches, two slices of roast beef, two
cups Of coffee, one dish OF tomatoes, one
dish OF butter beans, and two pieces OF pie.
AS usual with him, his hunger was not
yet satisfied. He went from Dr.. Black
stones to one Of the city bakeries, there
purchased 10 cents worth OF cheese and
crackers and ate them, and at last accounts
he was in his usual condition.
1.-THE boy is very lean and Of less than
the average height for his age, being only
about three feet high, and weighing but
forty pounds. His skin is thick and yell
low, his checks hollow and eunken, end
his eyes give an unmistakable proof OF his
constant hunger, which he evinces on all
counter ouch an appetite, and it is q won.
der where he slows away so much food.
No physician here can satisfactorily dag.
nose hia Case." sr.s -
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
DIED.

DIED.
RIESBECK-on wednesday evening. February TO-,
1857. a.9 O'Clock, MAhSrs RlEsDEcx, aged Y
years AIRS aE nE. DaH
Funeral from his late residence, No. $50 Sixteenth
street, this afternoon at go o'clock. Friends
Of the family are invited. Intcrment at Mt.
Calvary Cemetery. 0ara
MARsHALL-On Thursday. February II, 1857. at
$50 o'clock A. NJ, lELLG j., wife OF John W.
Marshall, III tho Sith year Of her age. +
Funeral will tako place on Saturday at y O'Clock
noon, from the residence OF hor husband, No.
27o3 Jacob street. 1ntarmont from Presbyterian
Church at ClaySvllle, Pa. .
HAENA-on Wednesday morning, February 10,
1887. ut 0 O'Clock, Mrs, MARY HANNA, ased Gs
years. H- t.s
Funeral from tho residence OF her son, Thomas
Hanna, at Fulton, Ohio county, Friday at 1880
I'm. lntermcnt from the Fifth Street N. P,
Church, OF steubenvllle, Ohio. Friends Of The
family arc invited to attend. a.
tsteubenvile papers please copy.) So
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
Ghe QatteuiIgettenr
WHEELING, W. VA, FEBRUARY IS, 1887.
Choosing United States Senators by Popular
Election, ". AKA.

While IN West Virginia We aro endcav.
oring in our poor weak way to elect q SEN
ator, and the same sort Of thing has been
disturbing the peace OF other States for
weeks, some whore In the House OF Rep
resentatives ulumbers proposed constitu-
tional amendment providing for the cleo
ton OF Senators by direct vote OF the
people. Tho measure 10 advanced at this
timo by Representative Little, OF Ohio,
who has no hope Of doing anything now,
but wishes 10 put tho ball in motion.
Many propositions touching the manner
Of choosing Senators wers before the
iramera OF the Constitution, who were not
at all agreed that tho method ct last &C.
lectad was a revelation Of supreme wis.
dom. Direct election was strongly urged,
but the conservative spirit prevailed, and
the Senate was constituted with q Wow 10
remove one branch OF the National Legis.
lsture from immediate contact with tho
psople, and so to insure It's greater indie
pendence.
1t was thought that o Legislature, repre-
santing the collective wisdom Of the State,
would choose only the best and the ablest
for the United States Senate. The ides
that State Legislature could be corrupted
seema to have mado no impression at that
early day when politicians were patriots.
Gradually suspicion has grown up that
State Legislatures are not safer reposi-
tories Of this appointing power than the
people who choose the Legislatures. 1t
happens sometimes that Legislature
voluntarily and gracefully ra!ifies the
popular will, just as presidential olectoru
do in obedience to custom which has in
fatt amended tho Constitution in IN
ESSENTIAL way.
The Little amendment will not be rush
Led through in hurry; 90 that there will
DO time to discuss it.
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
kept in constant prominence by tho con.
triyance think there has been nothing
ike It since the flood for clearing tho field
DnEAKFAsT BUDGET.

Partridgea glut the markets in the South
at ten cent? piece.
There arc PIG miles Of bitches on sin.
gle farm In Ford county.
The Michigan Democratic State Con.
yention will DO held ~ Detroit March l.
It costs the Government $4,000 a year
to furnish the Bt1dcnts at West Point with
music. SD -
1t 10 said that n number OF Cinnamon OF
New York arc sure 10 90 TO Berlin 10 start
laundries there.
In the springs one OF the boarders Of
Beaver Dam Lake, Wisconsin, there were
caught fully 1000 sled loads OF bullheads
during January.
Frank Fleming, grand nephew Of
President Pierce, was sent 10 jail recently
in St. Louis for begging. He was profess
sor in skating rink. haa 's
A young deer appeared on the leo ofthe
river q. Rock Island the other day. A
number Of boys and dogs gave chase and
finally captured 1t. 1.u 81 r
a point Of intercat at st. Augustine 10
the great and costly Ponce do Leon Hotel,
which has cost 100000 already and will
not be finished thiu year. FL
The 'possum business In Berriln county,
Ca, Ia looking up. A car load Of big, fat
fellows came into Quitmau the other day
and found ready market. .at''r
The number Of passengers carried over
the Brooklyn Bridge during the past three
years Is as follows: ASSESSES, 200; 1856.
1851 500; 1Ss6-24,l7S,324. II,
Sharp cracks. like guushots overhead,
warned an "Unc!e TOMS Cabin" com.
pany and audience to vacate q rink at
Canastota, N. Y, tho other night. Tho
audience rushed out by the front and the
"srtists" by the back exits, and were
scarcely more than safely outside when
the roof Of tho rink, carried down by snow,
collapsed. Only one person was injured.
The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1887-02-18
Charity nntl the Constitution,

Some good friend ought to advise the
President just to clap on his little ve!oes
without giving any reasons. When he be-
gins to reason he begins 10 tic himself up.
The President vetoes the bill to appro-
PIRATE $4,000 worth Of seeds to the
drought-atricken region Of Texas. This
he says he does because no "can find no
warrant for such m appropriation in the
Constitution" Here was good place to
stop; but the President was like the old
preacher who said he had etarted 60 hard
no couldn't stop until he was out Of
breath. Iz..E =Ttl.
Having stsrtod so hard, the President calls
attention to the large sum OF money which
the Commissioner OF Agriculture "is an
nually directed to expend for the purpose
Of the propagation and distribution OF
seeds and other things Of this description,
two-thirds OF which are upon the request
OF Senators, Representatives and Dele.
gates in Congress, supplied to them for
distribution to their constituents" To
which the President, out Of the fullnces OF
his wisdom, adds 1T is supposed that
this free superintendent among their
neighbors is privilege which may be
waived by our Senators and Representa-
tiyes. Ii sufficient ,of them should re.
quest the Commissioner Of Agriculture to
send their shares oftho grain thus allowed
them to the suffering farmers OF Texas,
they might be enabled to SOW their crops,
the constituents for whom in theory this
grain is intended could we'll bear the tenn
porary deprivation and the donors would
experience the satisfaction attending deeds
Of charity.
What right has Senator or Representa-
tive to divert from his constituents any
thing that is intended for them? And
how much Of the satisfaction attending
deeds Of charity" does tho President
think q Senator or Representative could
find in giving away what doesn't belong
to him7
The President may DO expounding
constitutional law az it never was e1-
pounded before, but he ia preaching a
poor article OF charity, II he had advised
Senators and members to put their hands
in their own pockets his advice would
have been at least not immoral.