The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1887-01-25
HALLUCINATION.

| can scarcely dare go confess to you
the strange and inconcevable reason
which urges me to this insane course.
am going to marry in order not to
be alone.
| do not know how to tell it--how
to make myself understood. You will
pity me and you will despise me when
you know in what n wretched state OF
mind am.
do not want to be alone any more
at night want to feel some being
near, close to me, being that can
speak, say something,no matter what.
want to be able to rouse that be-
ing from sleep, to be able to ask that
being any question suddenly-even a
stupid question, so that | can feel my
dwelling is inhabited--so that ] can
know that mind is awake, that q
reasoning power is at work-so that,
If 1 suddenly light my candle, | can see
q human face beside me-because-
because (how can / dare avow my
shame2 because / am afraid when |
am by myself.
OH you do not yet comprehend me?
am not afraid OF any danger. II a
man were to come in would kill him
without shudder. have no fear OF
ghosts; do not believe in the super
natural. am not afraid OF the dead
/ believe in total humiliation ofevery
human being that passes away.
Them Yes. Them Well am
afraid OF myself am afraid OF be-
ing afraid; afraid OF the mental spaSms
that are driving me mad afraid ofthe
horrible sense OF incomprehensible
terror.
Laugh ii you please 1t is hideous;
it is incp.able. | am afraid OF the
walls, OF the furniture, OF familiar OBJ
jects whiC.i seem to me to become ami
mated with a sort OF animal life.
Above all am afraid OF the horrible
confusion OF my mind, the confusion
ofmy reason which goes from me, all be-
logged, dissipated by some mysterious
and mex plicable anguish.
First, feel vague disquiet that
passes into my mind and makes all
my flesh creep. / look around me.
Nothing And feel a need OF some.
thing. OF what? Something incom-
prehensible. Then | become afraid,
simply because | cannot CON. rere' d
my fear.
/ spealt am frightened by my
own voice Then | am frightened by
the Unknown which is behind the
door. or behind the curtain. or inside
the avmo,r, or under the bed. And
nevertheless know perfectly well
there is r,Aly nothing in any OF those
places.
trtn round suddenly because | am
afrail OF what is behind me, although
there is really nothing behind me, al
though know It'll
become nervous, feel the scare
growing upon me; and | lock myself
Into my room, and bury myself in my
bed. and hide myself under my bed
clothes; snd covering there, gathering
myself up ike ball, / shut my eyes
in desperation, and thus remain tor n
seemingly infinite length OF time, OPP
pressed by the thought that my candle
is still burning on the little table be-
side the bel, and that should really
blow it out. And dare not!
Is it not frightful to be in such "a
condition
There was q time when never felt
that way l used to 90 home feeling
calm. / went out and came in with
out anything to trouble the serenity
of my mind. II | had been told
what a stupid and terrible disease OF
lear-of Incredible fear-would come
upon me in after days, l certainly
would have laughed. used to open
the doors In the dark with perfect con-
fdence; used to make my prepare
tions for going to bed quietly, without
even boiling myself in. and never
thought Of getting up in the middle OF
the night 10 see il all the entrances to
my room were strongly secured.
The trouble began last year in a
singular way.
IL was in autumn, on certain damp |
evening. When my housekeeper had |
taken her departure, after Ihad dined,
| asked myself what | was going to |
do. For some time walked up and
down my own room. ielt myself
weary, unreasonably depressed, inca