Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-02-13
MR.. I'M MRs BOwSER.
Mr.. b.. Prepares n Grand Surprise fer His
wife. and Really Does Surprise Her
when the New Cow Comes.

I when int new OoN SdiCs
Detroit Free Pros.
VIVA. dive think?" exclaimed Mr.. Bow
ser, as he rushed into the sitting room
without taking time to leave his hat and
oyercoat on the hall rack.
'tSome OF our relations dead?"
"Relations? Nav! Mrs. Bowser, for the
mast two or three weeks l have been pre-
pairing a surprise for yOu-a great surprise.
How much milk do we use around this
house daily?"
''Three quarts of milk and a pint of
cream"
Exactly, Mrs. Bowser, exactly, And
the cost is twenty-fOur cents. IOu call it
milk, but what is it? 4 compound of chalk
and water, which must kill us inside of
five years"
"And are you going TO change our milk
mem"
Exactly. Mrs. Bowser. I am going to
be my own milkman after this!'
"You aren't going toto"
Eyes, I'm going to buy q cow!'
How foolish! You might just as we'll
20 and buy us a flock Of sheep"
''Mrs. Bewser, I'm going TO buy a cow!
That ends it. | & anu not going to pay Sl.6S
a week for chalk and water when / can keep
a COW on seventy-ive cents a week and
have from ten to fourteen quarts OF pure
milk daily
'But you always get cheated on such
things"
"Do |? That's all you know about it!
When don't make p per cent profit /
want to he kicked. A COW will be the best
paying investment we ever made. Just
figure for yourself: There are twelve quarts
OF riclIimilk per day, at six cents per quart.
That's seventy-two cents per day or $500
per week. Take out seventy-five cents us
the cost of her keeping, and you have a
clear profit of $4.29. Is that a swindle?
We can't use over four quarts per day, and
can therefore sell eight TO the n%eighbOrs.
Just speak to Green and Smiths folks, will
your"
"Mr. Bowser, don't you remember our
pig?"
Pig pig! What has a Durham cow
got to do with a short-horn pig? And, be-
sides, your wi base conduct killed that
animal. Mrs. Bowser, don't you dare at
tempt any tricks on my cow. i don't want
q scandal, but I'll divorce you if you ever
look c~roSs-eyed at her"
"Well, we'll see how you come out?"
ooh, yes-throw cold water on my eff
forts to give you all the comforts OF life.
It's q wonder to me that | don't get dis
couraged and go to the gutter, rs many a
good man has"
Early the next morning a woman APP
pearcd with a COW and calf, having them
tied behind her wagon. The calf was tied
as well as the COW, and ] noticed that it
seemed to be doing its best to keep away
from her. This seemed so singular that
| went TO the back door to speak to Mr..
BOwser about it, but he promptly called
to me-:
Get back there. Do you want to get
this cow excited and her blood heated upn
ITcpaid for his new milch COW and placed
cow and calf in the barn, and after giving
them an hour to quiet down he came in for
me. After looking the animals over ]
asked:
"Mr. IBowser, how old is that calf"
''Three weeks"
"And that cow is its mother"
It's mother? You don't think she's its
uncle or grandfather, do you? You must
he getting soft in the headr'
'Do you notice that she won't own, it?
See there! She's ready TO cripple it if it
IN nearnl'.
Mrs. Bowser, you go in and attend
to your gossip and that wall.eycd baby, |
and don't You dare to come near this barn
again! You have become cross-eyed and
sOft-headedl'
went in, but two hours later, when he
had n butcher mp to buy the cali, | slipped
ont and heard the man say:
That's the way of it Bowser. That
isn't her calf any more than yOu are Queen
VictOria's brother. The COW may he all
right, however, she looks like a good
mixer"
The calf was driven away, and Mr.. Bow
ser put in the afternoon ut making n milk
stool aud fixing bnttons on the cows horns.
After supper he went out and MIXED, and
as he brought in n pail even full he set it
on the kitchen table with the complacent
remark:
might have got six quarts more, but ]
got tired"
lie made a great ado abOut drinking
three glasses for supper, and the cook was
sent around the neighborhOOd to drum up
customers. lie held me in lofty contempt
tor a while, hut finally melted enough to
inquire:
"Well, did you taste any chalk in that?"
"No, Int did you observe that it had an
old taste?"
'W-what do you mean?"
'If that calf didn't belong to her what
is the Inference"
He rose up, turned as white rs a sheet,
and after n great cflor managed TO say:
THE inference is that you don't know
enough TO come in when it rains! Mrs.
BOwser, you killed off my hens, and you
caused the death Of my pig! Take care
how You cOnspirc with my COW! There is
q limit To which n human being can he
pushed"'
Nothing further was said until next
morning. when th%cquantity Ofmilk dropped
off to fOur quarts. ! began TO express won
der and amazement, but Mr.. BOwser in
%terruptcd me with:
Il didn't expect ever much this morn
ing. She is %grieving for her calf"
The quantity at night was the same, and
Mr.. BOwser's marble brow wore q look of
anxiety. At the end of n week the guam
tity had fallen to three quarts at n milk
ing, even with Mr.. BOwser feeding ten
pounds of meal per day. Then | ventured
to observe:
"Mr. Bowser. | was satisfied from the
first that you had been swindled. That
calf new"
''Oh, You were? Well, | wasn't? She's
grieved for that calf until her milk is
nearly gone. hut III fat her for beef and
get ut least $50 more than she cost me-"
We kept the beast from March TO Sep
tember. She yielded us about 80 worth
of milk which no o. liked to Use, and she
cost 500 for fodder. Her first cost, exclu-
sive of the calf, was SO. Mr.. BOwser sold
her TO n suburban butcher for So. and on
the evening the trade was concluded, and
as we sat in the cleaning, / remarked:
|. "Well, it hardly paid us to keep n cow"
1T didn't, eh? l expected you'd he
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