The Irish standard., 1887-07-09
STANDARD" BREVITIEe, :.

Physical training for girls nust 90.
4 girl discovered that a .aoath,s work
in gymnasium increa. .4ea the size of her
hand by one size of glove, and she
quilted training faster than you could
drop hat.
Diner: 'sWaiter, how came this sleeve
button in nay soup?" Waiter: ''Sleeve
buttons? Is that so, sir? Beg pardon.
We never give sleeve buttons in tomato
sonp; only collar buttons. Let me ex-
change it for you.
The following occurred in a school
near Paisley whilst geography class
was under examination. Teacher: 'Now
tell me where Glasgow lies" Promising
pupil: "Glesco lies in thinkin' she's
the secoint city o the empire"
GIVE changed by boarding house, {"
remarked Lighthead to friend. ''I've
got room on the top floor, and they
charge me e3 week. t'Three pounds
week? I wouldn't pay it" II don't
intend to-" replied Lighthead.
Brown: s'Why don't you open your
umbrella?" Coles: "Well, to tell you
the truth, I'm afraid some one in the
crowd will recognize it, Brown: ''Then
why do you carry it?' Coles: ''Afraid
some one will call for it while I'm out. {"
II am very sorry, Mrs. Hardtack, -
said the new boarder, "but I'm little
short this week, and I'll have to ask you
to wait little for my board, though my
motto is 'to pay as I CO. y "Can't do
il" replied Mrs. Hardtack, my motto
is pay or co."
II told you this morning that I would
whip you if you were not good boy to-
day, did I not, johnny" Yes, sir. y
WAS it because you wished to please
me?' ''No, sir; because don't believe
in encouraging STRIKES
Lady visitor: s'How do you know
when you are getting on at school,
Tommy?" Tommy: Dunno" L. ":
Don't you get marks, then?" Tommy,
cheerfully: ''Ya'as, we get marks-red
ones" Ell. ": "Oh, come, that's bet
ter. What do you get those marks for?"
Tommy: 'sFor being late.'' -.
A young man thrust his head out of
the window of cab and cried to the
driver: "Why don't you go faster? I am
going to be married this morning, and al
this rate I will arrive too late for the
wedding" Driver (sympathetically):
.'Well, what of it? I'm giving you plenty
of time to reflect"
sI am going to become missionary"
she said. as she gazed at him with a
why-don't-he-ask-me-to-marry-him ex-
preston on her face. Looking down
upon her, he replied: ''Don't you think
you had better begin on he-then?"
They were married in the spring under
the spreading chestnut trees.
my dear, said a wife who had been
married three years, as she beamed
across the table on her lord and master,
s'tell me what first attracted you to me.
What pleasant characteristic did I pos
sess which placed me above other women
in your sight?" And her lord and mas
ter simply said: 'I give it up"
.'Been North, I understand" said
Jones to Brown, who had gone to New
Hampshire to sponge On some of his
rich kin. eyes, I was up among my
relatives" How did they treat you?"
''Oh, immense! Nothing was good
enough for me, and"-dropping his
voice. "that's just what they gave me" :"
A young lawyer who had long paid his
court to lady without much advancing
his suit, accused her one day of being
insensible to the power Of love. cit
does not follow" she archly replied,
ssthat I am so because am not 40 be
won by the power of attorney "For-
give me-" replied the suitor, 'tbut you
should remember that all the votaries of
Cupid are solicitors"
When Illicit distilling was common in
Aberdeenshire there was at one time a
man who went about the country repair
ing whiskey pots. The gauger meeting
MIN one day, and, guessing that he had
been doing some repairs at no great dis
tance, asked him what he would take to
inform him (the gauger) where he re-
paired the last whiskey pot. s'Och,"
said Donald, ''She'll shust TAX half a
Groom" ttDone," said the gauger, here's
the money, but be careful to tell me cor
rectly." ''Och, she'll no tell the gentle
man a lee. I shust mended the last
whiskey pot where the hole was.''