Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-03-31
W.T. MI MINOR.

sport. ave shot three beautiful
misses!' He means he has missed
three beautiful shots. ]-Punch.
An eminent scientist claims that
sober man can become intoxicated by
passing half an hour with drunken
man. He can if the latter's money
holds out. Burlington, Free Press.
A big gopher snake in Florida re-
Gently swallowed a rattlesnake and
was killed by it from the inside. This
fable teaches that it is not often safe
to gopher rattlesnake. Boston Post.
Resident Observation-Disclosures do you
think of water as a beverage, Colonel?
Kentucky Colonel-As a beverage?
As drink, do you mean? Resident
Yes. Colonel-Why, try not to think
of it at all in that connection.-PittS-
burg Dispatch.
That couple who has just passed us
reminds me of sort of fruit which is
neither palatable nor desirable said
a gentleman to friend. s'What
makes them so Objectionable" asked
the friend. They are 'prickly pair. :"
National Weekly.
MAUD has taken severe cold, re-
marked Clara. '.She is threatened
with pneumonia. How did she take
cold?' asked Ella. ''She went sleigh
riding the other evening with her
brother" with her brother? How
improyidcnt. "-NeW York Sun.
NJ Spuller, the Deputy who repre-
scented France at the Bartholdi statue
dedication, declares that in the United
States there is more liberty and less
license than anywhere else. True, o
keen-eyed Spuller.-more liberty to
get drunk and less high license.
Mistress coffee is so strong
this morning that it's absolutely hitter,
Kathleen. Maid-Yis, maam. Tn
policeman on this bate do be COM
plainin' av tn wakeness av it all win
Their, an durin' cowld wither cook is
afthcr humorin' tn poor divil bit
Iid-B,ts.
Swell No. pretending to mistake
for an usher rival whom he sees
standing in evening dress at the cloak
room of the theater) -'.Ah! have you a
programmed" Swell No. 2 (equal to
the occasion) Thanks my man; got
one from the other fellow Nee York
Tribune.
Its been given out that my daugh-
ter was married." said gentleman
near Griffin recently, ''but | want to
state there amt no truth in it. Such
talk as that will keep the young men
away. She amt married at all, but is
jest as willin' as ever" Colatnsbus
(Ga. Enquirer.
Lawyer-Now, you say you've known
this couple for years? Witness-Ycs,
sir Lawyer-Eyer seen them quar-
rel? Witness - Never. Lawyer
They've always lived together in unity,
Ell? Witness-No, sir, in Swamps-
Vile, that's about four miles from
Unity. Tie Judgc
At table 4 h6te All Englishman,
pointing to the piece de resistance-a
huge roast turkey-calls out: ''Garcon,
bring me that chicken, if you please"
Il pray that monsieur will have the
kindness to wait until it is cut 80,
never mind about that, | will eat it just
as ii is'-Ffench Fun.
First laly-..Yes, I've tried three
different sewrg-machines in the last
six months Second lady-''What
pests these sowing machine agents are,
amt they?" First lady-'.Pests9
Why. ii it wasn't for them | should
L.,., l,.,,l a., hu,- !, Y,aohipa to,, x,aarc
ago." Haren Netcs.
A Chicago news item states that
"the American hog holds its own and
pork-packers look cheerful. )" When
lady enters u passenger car and sees
a man and his feet and gripsack occu
pying four seats She must conclude
that the American hog is holding more
than It's own o1Y3St0Wn Herald.
How hideous Miss Blakely looks in
that new bonnet 81 thought it was
very becoming. At least the trim
ming was very appropriate. 81
didn't notice the trimming" The
bonnet was trimmed with ivy leaves"
''Ivy is very appropriate. 1t only
clings TO old ruins. "-Ieras Sittags.
The incarceration of once popular
circus clown in county Jail in New
York state is probably well enough in
its way. What suffering humanity
most needs, however, is some disposal
of his collection of old jokes which
shall insure their perpetual retirement
from public view and hearing. Pitts
burg Dispatch.
The Rev Sam Jones, who is now
he would like to make that town "a
suburb of glory" He will not sue
ceed. however; the people down there
would never subI!; to il. Now if he
wanted to make glory suburb of Bos-
ton it might be different natter
Phiiadelpbtn CaH.
The Rev. DR.. Mackenzie has been
lecturing on Munkacsy's great picture
of "Christ Before Plate" The rever-
end gentleman gave SO elaborate, ac-
curatc, and exhaustive description of
the celebrated painting that if he
should ever have the good fortune to
see it he will be able to recognize it in
minute. San Francisco Newsletter.
4 well-known professional gentle
man said concerning the General As
sembiy investigation and its hang
fire developments that it reminded him
of a motion made by q Connecticut
legislature on the famous clark day
The member rose in his seat and with
quivering voice exclaimed: ''Mr.
| Speaker, move who's afraid. '-Proui-
dcpcc Journal.
Bridgct-'l'm goin' TO lave yez,
mum. Ivrything about the house is
too unhandy, mum" Her mistress
i'm sorry 10 hear that yoa are going.
But what is that fastened to your
waist?" Bridget--.'lt's walkometer,
mum. II shows that I've walked nine
miles. this mornin' gittin' breakfast. l
can't stand anything Ike that, mum. "