Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-02-03
HE LEFT DIsGusTED.


never mistake it for the smallpox, and
| you never have a suspicion that you
NAV have fallen from the roof of q
thiri-story building and broken forty
or more bones in your body. You GO
TO bed feeling in excellent spirits and
! willing to pay one hundred and twenty
cents on the dollar. Soon after mid
night-as soon after as the ailment can
| make it convenient-you wake up with
horrible back-ache and hard chill.
You needn't hatter yourself that you
are coming down with diptheria- ty-
! phoid fever or some other disease
which will cause your friends to anx-
iously inquire if you have made your
| will and own lot in Elmwood. You
are simply booked for fourteen days
| wrestie with common. one-horse af-
fair. and the sooner you settle down to
it the better for all concerned.
You may gargle all the gargles ever
invented. but the throat grows worse
For two or three DAYS the doctor can
place the handle of spoon on your
tongue and get sight of what is be-
hind. but you suddenly discover in your
mad career that you have shut your
head" The jaws have taken a great
liking to each other and the doctor has
to quit. Then you'll turn to. fax-seed
poultices. 1t doesn't do any good as
anybody can see. but you'll try it.
Furthermore, you'll get hot compound
of hops and vinegar and try steaming.
That never helped anybody, but it s
fashionable to try it All the glands and
cords and tendons from the ear down
TO the shoulder begin to tighten up. the
crevice between your teeth closes at last,
and there you are. IF some butcher cart
hasn't run over you and knocked
some of your teeth out it won't be any
use to try soups and gruels. If you've
got two or three places where the cruel
can sneak in you II presently wish you
hadn't Every time you swallow you
are lifted seventeen inches off the chair,
and it's health lift which you get
tired of after three or four attempts.
The other day when my eyes were
swollen nearly shut, my jaw ''sot,
every gland and cord as sore as boil
and my wind-pipe nearly closed, the
doctor looked me over and made little
speech. [ shall remember his every
word for the next hundred years. He
said:
well. something has got TO be done.
Your throat has got to be lanced. I've
been expecting for day or two that it
would come to this. -
And he lay back in his chair and
licked his chops-yes, sir, smacked his
lips like boy eating rich p lum!
Yes, III be up after dinner" he con-
tinued, signing heavily to think he
WASH t equipped then. You'd better
lie down and prepare yourself.
I tumbled into bed. wondering If
Providence wouldn't take him off dur
ing the forenoon. and slept to dream
that was on a dissecting table and
twelve medical students were carving
away on my body. Providence spared
the doctor. He didn't even have mar
row escape. He was on hand soon after
dinner, Il smile of satisfaction on his
face, and he was followed by meek
looking young man whom he intro
duced as medical student.
Now said the doctor. don't get
excited. We shall first chloroform
you!''
I tried to groan. but it W as only
wheeze-something like a summers
gale blowing into an old oyster can.
And then we shall wedge your jaws
apart! Here are the pine wedges to do
it. 1t will, of course, be a couple of
weeks before the cords and glands get
over the effect. but there's no way of
getting around it p"
I tried to groan some more. and the
doctor laughed. He said it reminded
him Of the sigh of tired horse as he
lay down TO rest.
Didn't have time to sharpen this
lance at home" he went on, as he
begun TO hone it on a strop. IF you
were woman you might be squeamish,
but as it Is you won't care L
expect to have to lance it in about three
places. It ought to relieve you at once,
but it viii be some days before the cuts
heal up. Say, James. get him in that
rocker Did you bring the chloroform
up9 Pour it on this handkerchief and
hold it TO his nose until you see that he
is gone. Where's the wedges and ham,
mer? Now come with your hand
Something down my throat gave
throb and twist and bust, open flew
nv Jaws, and out came the quinsy with
a rush.
"You-you wretches!'' I gasped. find
ing my voice for the first time in five
days.
Now, James. Just see therer ex-
claimed the doctor, in tones of mingled
disgust and despair just see what
he's gone and donei Here was the
finest case I've had in six months, and
he's gone and busted it! I felt it in
my bones that ought to have col1ared
him this forenoon; and here's the
proof. James, we will go!''
Doctor, shall I use any gargie?' I
called after him.
''Humphr'
And win you come in Tomorrow
But he never turned nor spoke. He
walked downstairs as stiff as poker,
climbed into his cutter like martyr,
and when once he had the lines he woke
the old horse up with the whip until he
made a mile in two and half He
hasn't been near me since. I expect
he 5 greatly put out, and that he hopes
I'll have a relapse. but did I do any
thing to him? Am to blame that he