The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1887-07-28
9lashes Of fun,

The chiropodist gets ahead by working
away at the foot.
A dumb wife may be said to be an un-
speakable blessing.
1t is a paradox that of all shoes a felt
shoe is the least felt.
The parlor is probably the most fire.
uuented of all court rooms.
1t is foolish to handy words with a
chemist; he always has a retort handy.
The bootblack shines while he. works,
but the lazy man whines while he shirks.
There is a long haul and a short haul,
but there doesn't seem to be any haul to-
gether. ia r..' :'sst1 "
Stocks and vessels are much alike.
When they get too much water in they
are liable to sink. " -
Self-possession in a young woman is
we'll enough for a while but she shouldn't
keep it up too long. =.
A cross old bachelor suggests that
births should be announced under the
head of new music. - "
You can't convince a young man whose
best girl has just said eyes, that this
country is2going to wreck and ruin
A man with a wheelbarrow on the
sidewalk is not very popular, but he gen.
orally carries everything before him.
An exchange answers the question, as
to whether a Christian man can do bust
ness successfully, by saying that he can
if he advertises.
Caller: "What! the professor is not at
home? I see him there through the cur
tanned glass" Servant: ooh, that is
only his shadow"
One of Boston's debating societies is at
odds on the question whether the express
sion I" a corner in pork" refers to the ami
mails ear or his foot.
Judging from floating newspaper para
graphs it would appear that Daniel Web
ster was chiefly distinguished for making
frst-class fish chowder.
Patient dissatisfied with dietary re-
strictions): Say, Doc, I'm blamed if I'm
going to starve to death just for the sake
Of living a little longer.
An exchange has an article on "The
Rise and Fall of the Poet" One import
ant point is omitted, however, and that
is the length of the stairs.
"Did you hear of the accident to
Jones? "Why, no; what happened to
him?' "Well, he fell from his lady's
favor, and broke his engagement"
One thing settled about the Interstate
Commerce bill is that tramps will con-
tinue to take long and Short hauls in box
cars provided they are not caught at it.
A young man is apt to stammer and
stutter when he declares his passion.
Some time the plying girl helps him
out, and some time it is her pitiless father.
"Pa, what is laughing in ones sleeve?"
at is being secretly amused at a thing,
my son." "And when you hit your crazy
bone is that crying in your sleeve, pap
Young Wife: II took great pains with
that cucumber salad, John, and l hope
you enjoyed it." Husband ~(anxiously):
II am afraid, my dear, that I took great
pains with it toe.
1t is said that in Portland, Me-, there is
a man with a false nose, a glass eye, but
three fingers and one thumb, one ear,
false teeth, false hair and cork leg. He
was formerly a base ball umpire.
A New Orleans editor has discovered
that fishing is hard work. 1t was gen.
orally supposed that fishing was easy
enough, but that it was the lying about
the big mes which got away that entailed
the hard labor.
Professor (to class in SURGERY: The
right leg of this patient, as you see, is
shorter than the left, in consequence of
which he limps. Now, MI. Shorter, what
would you do in a case of this kind?
Shorter: I'd limp, too.
They say out West that the appearance
in a town of a stranger in a pair of
muddy boots is sufficient to start a real
estate boom, and if he manages to have
an dor Of petroleum or natural gas about
him, the excitement is immense.