Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1887-01-18
SCHOOL FOR MATRI HoNY.
A SCHEME FOR TRAINING MEN
ABOUT To IS AIiEV

Reforrner Who Takes Marriac = n X
IL. and Not az It. Might, Could, would
or Shou d b The Sh ,rp and Oyu}o<i
DistiDc' ion Between Is 1nsA "a .asntad
with Your Intended and Kn0w1n I
Your Wife. M
From the Brooklyn Cutssn X#8l
"Ihe whole idea," said the profes1or.
as he halted me in front OF the fran8
house, ais based on the remark attribut1d
to Socrates by Epictetus-book I'LL
chapter II, page 222-tbat we are not u
lead life which is not tested. That il
more than happy thought; it is a useful
and practical thought. But let us enter
the house and will unfold the scheme"
The building was located on a small,
narrow street, in one OF the finest a. Ctions
OF the Twenty-third ward. 1t was a three
story structure, and there was nothing
remarkable about it, except that it stood
alone and little hack from the sidewalk,
we entered small reception room on the
lett OF the hall, aud, seating ourselves on
an old-iashloned hair sofa, which was
slippery and uncomfortable to the last de-
gree, the professor began:
Zine name OF the institution is the
School for Matrimouy.' Its object, ap-
1stence. Is it not" almost shrIeked the
Professor. "a most remarkable thing Tia at
men Will enter that state which is to last
so many years, unarmed, unaiGed for the
conflict? The answer is, of course, in the
Affirmative
"Does not nature" | was about to
observe
Mature, human or otherwise, is not
now the subject of our consideration, |
see your poInt. | note the density OF
your ignorance. and must correct it at
the outset. You think, sir, that we are
crackbralned retOrmers endeavoring to
bring about happy marriages. MY dear
fellow, We are nothing of the sort. We
are the most practical OF men. We take
the lie matrimonial, not as it was, as it
might be, but, sir, as it is. Now, tue mar
rled life of all men 10 teltered by unpeas.
ant conditions of one sort and another"
"Weli." l said, 'yOu mean that, through
the natural self hness of man, he"
"l meRn," roared the professor, as he
grasped me by the shoulders ana wrIggled
rae around on my slippery seat, 81 mean
that the married man is not a supremacy
happy man. Great heavens! you are
married, are you not? les. Well, are
you supremacy happyp
"Well, as DR.. Johnson said-"
"Well," continued the professor, put
ting aside what DIR. JO1nsOn said YOU are
not; you know you are not. You cannot
say that your dual existence has been one
vast song, either comic or sentimental, or
that your heart Is as musical and JOYOUS
as the singing birds OF the summer. All
married men say that they are happy, but
understand that is said to the world; the
fact Is otherwise. Now, our object Is to
take the life matrimonial lust as it ia. To
take women just as they are. To take the
net results OF matTlmOny Just as we find
them. To illustrate: Ny friend Jones,
aged %, is engaged to be married. He
don't know bis future WIFE"
"But YOU just said be was eng aged"
t'He is engaged, and he is acquainted
with the young woman he is 10 marry.
but he don't know her. A man never
knows his wife until be has been married
year or two. Providence has wisely 90
arranged 1t, otherwise there might be no
marriages at all. Jones comes to us 10
be trained Tor the new state. A full
course takes six months. but we can put
a man through 10 half the time. though 1t
is very severe strain. 6ou see that the
advantage is that when Jones gets mar
ried he is ready for the battle-I should
say the happy event. You see when |
am here forget myself and use our own
vernacular. OF course, in the world the
proper nomenclature must be adhered to.
Now" continued the professor, at the
same time taking out large diagram
from his inside coat pocket and
spreading it over his lap, ''here ie
plan Of our rooms. Now, fol-
low me carefully through the different
stages of instruction. Our candidates
first enter the lee ure room. Here, may
he permitted to say, preside. | enlarge
on the idea gave you moment ago. to-
wit: That we must take marriage as it is,
not as we want 1t TO De, or as we think ii
Is going to be. ] am called, facetiOusiy.
of course, the nonsense knOcker' And
II is very trying position. My lectures
are always Interrupted by cries and re-
marks from the hearers, commencing
with: But know that Il te you nv
wife shall Don't you admit that it, and
so on. | shut them up as quickly as
can and inform them that they are not in
the institution for the purpose of indui x
ing ia Idle dreams or making idiotic
assertions, but to receive prac
teal training for the coming battle
Il should say the happy event.
] go into particulars. Wives develop
differently. Some are lazy. some jealous,
some spur up the man to be money
grubber, some have roaring tempers,
some make a man jealous, and 50 on.
Now talk to them In tnat way until they
admit notNnlv that there are some such
wives, but even that theiI own venture
may result In more or less excitement
for which they ought to be prepared.
When Jones comes again, after digestiug
my lecture, be is shown TO what is called
tbs worry-roo This is that small
apartment over in the corner. There
about twenty attendants, who almost I'LL
the apartment, greet him."
"LadiesW | inquired.
mo, sir. men. We did try ladies. but
two of them married subjects that came
mere for treatment: the result was a
couple of suits for breach or promise. so
instead we have bright young men.
Jones is warned 10 be on hand, say al
O'clock, pune uaily. Sure enough, ne ar
riyes at the very moment the clock strikes
the hour. When ne enters the room nne
attendant grabs him by the coat, anoiher
pulls his hair and whiskers, others beln
shove him around the room, while they
scream. and. shaking their fists AZ him,
orv out, What made you so later
Where have you beenp WHATS the
meaning Of this wonan's hair on your
coatY And then there is hysterical sob
II bng. (Our SOLDIERS command very high
Il salaries.l Then we teach him to do the
wig actD
And what, pray, is thai"
"Me,l, wife saws YOU have woman 2
hair ON your coat. You are mistaken
my DEAR responds the husband; Il
nave whole headul,' ard he nysteri-
ously but quickly plants before her aston
~ hGI t.s 3 al 70 u . a