Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-04-21
ehaun cey Depew's Humor.

A Nefsnee OF Wit. Ni>dcin and Rhetorie-Rne,
An ecdotSs OF Tra,ei-Quesr Experiences and
ereer Designations.
The Autocrat of the Dinner Table,
the Hon. Chauncey NJ. Depew, of N.
Y, delivered a lecture recently at
Canajoharie, taking his recent trim
through Great Britain as bis theme,
II is full OF the pith and Attic salt
. whose pui,gency has seasoned his ia
nous aiter-dinner remarks, and con.
tsins bits of description which show
that poetry, rhetorical spangles and
the management of a system of rail
roads arc not incompatible. A few
excerpts from the lecture are given be.
low. His preamble is worthy the
man: .
.'Ihe good ship Gallia was in mid
ocean when a patriotic American OF
German birth suddenly announced
with wild enthusiasm, This is our
country's birthday The little
community which had been strange
and distant became at once ac-
quainted, and in the common purpose
&c. properly celebrate the day, each
discovered in all the rest powers OF
companiolship and good fellowship
not dreamed OF before. Fourth OF
July in mid ocean on an English shin
and with representatives of many ma.
tionalities on board does not possess
the attend ants, the accessories and
the unrestrainad enthusiasm which
marked the early rural celebration
with which | was familiar; and the
orator has to subdae his eloquence
somewhat to the conditions which
surround him, but on this occasion
our couDtry's bird never screamed
: louder or With clearer notes. | had
charge OF the bird"
Those who listened to the American
eagle when Mr.. Depew had him gently
but firmly by the hind legs, will APP
preciate the truth OF this assertion.
He continiies: Is
81 was struck during another enter.
tainment which we had with the un-
.orseen difficulties which sometimes
surround q speaker at sea. An emf
nent lecturer was giving an elab-
crate description of the English cathe-
drals and i;heir architecture. The ship
was rolling iearfully, and while he
could generally manage to keep one
lee on thetioor. the other was making
miscellaneous excursions from chair
totable, and the lecturer would find
himself suddenly plunged from the
splre to the crypt, or unexpectedly
thrown from the crypt to the spirs oil
his cathedral, and the alterations
were made with such speed that the
audience forgot the lecture in specu-
lating on what might be the fate oil
the lecturer"
Here he iisposes of the incidents oil
landing at Queenstown:
The question OF the customs Off
GER at the wharf warn us of the two
elements which Great Britain most
fears, the one affecting her pocket,
the other her safety. ANY wines or
liquors. No ANY dynamite?'
No THIN you can pass"
Here is a characteristic bit-the re-
suit OF an observation taken on a
drive to Blarney Castle:
Children swarm everywhere, for
the marriage bond in Ireland is a
,oupon bond, and they cut one of
every year, | said to a distinguished
English Sanitarian: See how these
people live and what pictures oshealth
they are, while in New York
are ventilated upon q new principle
every month. and in fighting sewer
gas squander our incomes aud become
the abject slaves ofthe plumber. How
do you ACCOUNT for ito Well said
the nonplused scientist, it establishes
the fact thiit there are only two con-
ditions for perfect health-either all
dirt or no dirt And yet the intelli-
sesiee and morality among them are
superior To those of any other peas
antry in Europe. and out of these cab.
ms viii trip barefooted girls SO rosy.
checked and neat, and sweet of voice,
to sell you the little articles they knit,
with a sit of bright color in their
shaw.s conti asting with their dark
hair, that they seem to have dropped
from the clouds"
He kissed the Blarney stone quite
unnecessarily, though he says:
II knew It's virtues both in politics.
IN law and in love, and longed to glue
mr lips to it's surface"
He IS patriotic, even at Killarney:
Whoeyeil expects to find the Lakes
otkiilarneJ gems uneqaalled in scenic
merit, VIII realize, il an American,
that centuries OF ~undisputed praise,
the adjective cumulating as each cycle
rolls round like the STORED adula-
tons OF the old masters, produce a
picture in the Imagination real.
lied by the eye. Lake George, in our
own state would smile with serene SUI
priority upon any sheet of water in
sEurope, whose beauties have been
celehrated IN prose and poetry by the
genios OF every age. Nevertheless, the
u1questiened charms OF Killarney, the
ruined abteys and castles upon its
shores, the wild legends which are con-
nected with it, make it one of the
most impressive places in the world.
never shall forget the iaunting-ear
ride with tho wild horse and the wild
er driver around to the upper end oil
the lake. See here | shouted. as we
dashed at full speed down q steep
bull, what will become of us il that
horse stumbses?' And sure, Yer Hon
or answered. the driver, why thin, j
viii fall out FIRST"
hevyof saucy peasant-girls, each
a xild-rose, cleans his party and HIM
sell out their last shilling. Their
method he gives thus:
Sure, scr, an are the winters very
cold n Amer ka?, Yes / said. Then,
ssid this b:ight-eyed siren, Il have
been expecting you sor, aEdhavek knit
TED these w,oilen stockings to make
yop comfortable at home and keep
your heart warm to ould Ireland.
and Is there nothing you will buy?'
said another, Nothing said /.
We'll, then. shc cried, will Yer Honor
ave me n shilling for a sixpence?' 4
am going to I've married. sor,' llsped a
mountain beauty, and me marriage
portion ia PRETTY near made up, and
Pats getting very weary waiting so
long. my money is all gone SAID /,
when, quick as a flash, Iheard afriend
say 70 her: a
Mary thry him on getting to Amer
Here Is a trrse and vigorous bit o.
tnglish brutality he remembers:
\ American can GO through Ire
and without the inquiry being ever on
rs lips, why do the troubles of this
people vex all the world? If you ask
an Eaglishman theremedy he answers.
Leave the island t~wentyfour hours
under water
Ne gives thu legion OF, the Giants
1aaseway thus:
In the olden time the famous Irish
.I:aht Fin McCoul had a quarrel with
q scotch giant across the water. The