Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1887-12-09

Sweet girl (disrobng I'D you look un-
der the bed p Old maid-"What for =
"To see if there is man there" NO,
dear, I've given up all hope. ~ Omdhd
World
Talmage is authority for the statement
that there are NJ pianos in heaven. What's
the use of piano trying to he square or
upright then .--YonkerS Statesman.
said the widow, mendaciou, young Mrs,
Il really don't know what KRIS
The lover in haste
Put his arm round her waist.
Aud promptly hut firmly said ''rhrS.
Jesse Packard, who lives at Buckield,
y. H.. is by no means teetotaler and one
evening last week when returning home in
an inebriated condition, ne was Knocked
unconscious in street fight. His limp and
apparently lifeless body was carried home,
and one of his boys seeing it moaned "Oh,
dad, you are kilt-you are kilt - Old
Packard never stirred, but he growled out
well, don't you s'pose know it swell as
you do =
"Now here is something you'll like, said
the manager of the tile works, as he was
showing some ladies the process of manu-
facture, texts of Scripture on tiles for
mantel ornamentation. 'Oh, replied Mrs.
Fangle, 1--we often heard of textile manu-
features, hut never saw them before.
lid BITS.
4 reporter. in describing the murder of a
man named Jorkins, said The murderer
was evidently in quest of money, hut luck
lily Mr. Jorkins had deposited all his funds
in the bank the day before, so he lost moth
ing but his life,
Train robber ton Texas express)-Shell
out now, quick Passenger-All nv mon
ey is is in this satchel open it. ~ Look, 80
"All in silver dollars! Keep it. We amt no
draymen. '-Omdhd WoHd.
Professor-Whch is the most delicate of
the senses. Sophomore-The touch, Pro
fessor-Prove it. SophomoTe-When you
sit on tack. You cant hear it; you can't
see it; you don't taste it; you can't smell it;
but it's there
A young lady who had been married
little over a year wrote to her matter-of-
fact old father in this city, saying I'VE
have the dearest little cottage in the world
ornamented with the most charming creep
ers you ever saw The old man read the
letter and exclaimed: Twins, by thun-
der."-GrccHrHic (Terl Tribuar.
An English publication says Mr. Troll
oppe considered Whateley the wittiest man
he ever knew, and contemporary memoirs
TEEN with proofs of his wit. A lady once
went TO Dublin castle in such very full dress
that more bust than barege was visible.
Did You ever see anything so unbushing {;
said some one to the Archbishop. "Never,
since | was weaned " replied the wit.
One day recently lady student of Corn
ell University discovered that her name
was Incorrectly given in the list of students,
and hastened 10 the registrars Office to
have the error corrected "Are You en-
gagged Just now" was the first question
asked the registrar, in hlssful ignorance of
the lady's mission, aud whose mind evil
IDENTITY was wandering in matrimonial chan
nels. "No, indeed" replied the gallant
official with some little emphasis, his face
at the same time becoming the very en-
bodiment of pleasant anticipations of the
approaching leap year, well then, I
should like to change my name said the
fair visitor. ooh, you would gasped the
young man. his cnuutenance radiant beyond
all expression. And then the young lady
undertook to explain matters more in detail
much 10 the discontinue of the assistant.
The story got out and now there is hilarity
in all the college circles.