The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1887-04-02
THE MAN FROM TOMS RIVER
Who Doesn't Propose to Allow an Enemy
to Land on His Coast.


to Land on His Coast.
You may have seen something in the pa
pers about the coast defenses. The idea has
somehow got abroad that our coasts ought to
be lined with forts and guns as warning to
Europe against declaring war against US some
morning before breakfast. Engineers have
surveyed and reported, and congressional
committees have sat and reported, and for
about $50, 900, 900 we can get things In such
shape that when the enemys first 1ron-clad
heaves III sight she can be saluted in proper
style.
A lot of us were sitting in the depot wait
ing room at Trenton, and the only man who
had a newspaper was reading away for dear
life, when a stranger entered with TWO sach-
els and a tall girl, chucked the baggage under
a seat, waved the girl to another, and walked
up to the man with the newspaper and asked:
sinister, is there anything in the paper
about our coast defenses.'
mo, sir!" was the gruf reply.
''That's singular. Have they given up the
idea, do you think?"
II don't know what you mean, sir"
"You don'tl Why, they've been talking
for the last year about building forts to pro-
tect our coasts 1 live down near the mouth
of Toms river, and rather expect they'll
build big fort there. The way things are
clare war against us and land a force at
Toms river before we had our eyes open.
They'd land right on lay farm, and nobody
knows the damage they'd do. Don't see any
thing about fort at TOMS river, ehs"
mo sir"
"Wen, that's singular. If this government
expects me To get down behind rock with
Fly old shotgun and keep Europe from land
ing at that point it's expecting leetle too
much of one man. I'd fight to the death, of
course, but the chances are that hull navy
could lick one nigh sighted man. So the
paper don't say anything"
Didn't tell you no in the first place."
"Say! mebbe you don't keer a copper about
coast defenses!" exclaimed the two-sachel
man, as red spot appeared on either cheek.
mot copper, STRIP
81 thought so from the start! You live out
in Michigan or Indiana or Illinois, and are
tucked away in some holler where the sheriff
can't find We, let alone an invader of our sa-
rad sile? Oh, no, you don't kerr
Father chided the tall girl as she half
rose: but he turned on her with:
MARY, you keep shet! I've allus thought
if Europe declared war agin us we'd have
plenty of enemies right at home, and here's a
case to prove it! Stranger, did you fife III the
last war!'
''None O. your business, STRIP
''Theres his open hand, gentlemen!" said
the two-sachel man as he turned to the
crowd. ''When you find man who don't
lIeer how soon the hull of Europe jumps on
this country you have found man who'd
dig up the bones of Washington and sell 'em
to junk man for So"
The man with the newspaper laid it down,
got on his feet and asked the other if he
would step out doors minute.
mo, sir, l WON'T" the prompt reply.
ain the fust place, I've got these two sachels
| to purtect; it the second place, there's Mary
in the third place, don't fight with no man
| who didn't fight in the last war IN the fust
| place, L asked we if there was anything in the
paper about our coast defenses."
''And l said no, you idiot"
"And you said you didn't keer."
"Neither do l."
"Theres his hand agin, gentlemen! While
! I'm lying behind a rock at Toms River, wait
! ing to sell my life in defense OF my country,
| here's Teller from Coon Holler, state Of In
diana, who don't keer a coOpers copper hOy
! quick Europe kivers the site of New jersey
with the blood of our bravest men!"
"Fatherl" chided Mary again.
"Lemme alone, Mary! You know all
| about carpet rags and darning and house
work, but you never heard the rumble OF
war. If Europe is going to jump onto this
[ country [ want to know who's going to shoot
me in the back as l face the enemy
The man with the newspaper opened it and
sat down with dangerous glitter in his eyes
| and there was solemn silence for a few min
! utes. Then the TOMS River man edged over
to Mary and they slid out doors together.
! Then he beckoned through the open window
! to three or four of US, and as we went out he
surrounded US and whispered:
Gentlemen, it's my solemn opinion that
that Teller is a jannisary from Europe who
has come over here to coax Uncle Sam not tC
| put up any coast defense. l want to say
right here, and l want you to hear it and re-
member it, that if the enemy lands at Toms
River it will be over my dead body, and
won't be to blame for TN. Quad in De-
troit Free Press