The Irish standard., 1887-06-11
STANDARD" BREVITIES.

| OlANDAl1U D1G11 1111Ns
The mirror has ample time for retec-
tion.
Always prepared for death-the un-
dertaker.
The most wonderful flight on record
was when the chimney fue.
A vessel sailing from Cork is incom-
plete without a Cork's-crew.
A distinction-a tourist without money
is tramp. A tramp who has money is
tourist.
Reckless of photography, an impass-
ioned swain wrote: ''Mary, I love the
well!'' She replied that she was glad he
was teetotaller.
Doctor: s'You handled me very gently
during that cross examination" Law
yer: ''Ah, sir, I didn't. know how soon
you might be handling me.''
II wonder what makes these buttons
burst off," Dora petulantly exclaimed.
David looked at her tight dress. "Force
of habit think, !" he said softly.
Customer Ito bakers boy): sis your
bread nice and light?" Bakers boy
(confdentially): eyes, ma'am it only
weighs ten ounces to the pound"
Sergeant Cookie, who went on the
Northern circuit once told a cheeky
witness that ne was saucy following up
the remark by asking him which sauce
he liked best. 'Any sauce, I" he said,
ssbut cookie sauce.''
"Does hanging prevent murder?'' is
question which agitates the Society for
the Abolition of Capital Punishment.
Yes, it does. Cases are very rare where
a man commits murder after he has been
hanged once or twice.
Mrs. de Hobson (complacently): eyes,
Mr.. Featherly, that is portrait Of N.Y.
self when little girl. It was painted
by a celebrated artist" Mr.. Featherly
(anxious to say the right thing): 'tEr-
by one of the old masters?"
''What is the first thing to be done in
case of fire?" asked professor. sSue
the insurance company" promptly
answered the boy at the foot of the
class, whose father had been burned out
once or twice, and appeared to have
made good thing of it.
How near akin laughter is to tears
was shown when Rubens, with a single
stroke Of his brush, turned laughing
child in painting to one crying, and
our mothers. without being great paint
ers, have often brought us. in like
manner, from joy to grief by a single
stroke.
A certain barrister had complete sys-
tenn for making out his fees, which we
fancy not peculiar to him alone of the
legal profession. ''First," he said, II
charge retainer, and then I charge
reminder, next charge refresher, and
then I charge fnisher.'' The clients
Of good many lawyers very rarely
have enough left to get as far as the
'tfnisher."
A curious mistake occurred lately in
printing labels for a meat preserving
company. The printer had been in the
habit of labelling tins of beef or NUT
ton, as the case might be, with the
words 'Without bone' prominently dis
played. The company having added
kidney soup to the list, the new article
was duly ticketed as t'Kidney soup
without bone.'
He was wheelman, and called at a
farmhouse for glass of water, but the
pretty farmers daughter offered him q
glass of milk instead. "Won't you have
another glass;" she asked. as he drained
the tumbler. s'You are very good, - he
said, t'but am afraid I shall rob you. I"
"Oh. no! We have so much more than
the family can use that we are feeding it
to the calves all the time!"
FEMALE P1EAsANTR1Es
Il heard it!''
who told you?''
Her friend.' (O
''You don't say?''
"'Tis dreadfulv'
Don't tell it. Iprayv'
"Good gracious!'
Who'd think itv'
''Well! well! well!'
"Dear me!'
i've had MY
''Suspicionsv'
"And too, you see!''
Lord bless us -
''Poor creature!'
$50 artfulr'
$50 sly!'
mo beauty!'
'Quito thirtyv'
Between you and I ~