News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-11-10
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT THE FUNNY MEN ARE
SAYING.
A Mans BrainS-She Could Not
Stop Him-A Hard Crowd-Old
AssOciations-A Hasty Revenge
She Came Back, Etc, Etc.
MRS. MURPHY's SARCASM.

MRS. MURPHY's SARCASM.
Mrs. Moorphy, We certainly are NJ
lady. The way yez jumped into my by
Dinny an all fur Just hollerin
rats showest to me moind that yez are
a dangerous characther."
BE alsy wild yer tongue, there, Mrs
Rlordan. Dim naturally as pacefuIl as
goat, but don't you say another WIZ
rud av an uneomplimentery nature. It's
bad enough to have to own yez for a
neighbor, SO it is, widout havin' to
sthand an be talked to by yez."
"Nlver you moind that, it's an honor
ye don't deserve. An Dim thinkin'
very seriously of putin the police onto
your thrack''
"Well, as for that, Mrs. Riordan, 1
nlver had any dalins wild the police:
but aV L wanted an introduction to 'em
L don't know av any wan that would be
better qualified by long acquaintance to
give 1t than your own self, Mrs. Rior-
dan. Good day to yez. "-Merchant
1raoeller.
RICH MEMS BRAINS.
Omaha Lawyer.-I have just heard
of the death of your uncle, whom you
know was an old client of mine.
Nephew-Uncle's dead, eh. Smart
man that uncle of mine. Started on
nothing and made million after million
without half trying.
eyes, he was smart man, there is
no doubt of that.
"Smartest man I ever knew. Saw
him only a few months ago and his
brain was as quick os a steel trap, old as
he was. You have charge of MS will, I
believe"
eyes; he left all his money to orphan
asylums.
f.He did, That will wont stand.
He's been a half idiot these twenty
years. "-0maha World.
SHE KNEW HE WAS FAILING.
"You are not as strong as you used to
be, john" said fond wife to her h11s-
band. 81 think it is about time that
you were getting some insurance on
your life"
'sInsurance on my life! What are
you talking about? L am as healthy as
l ever was. Insurance indeed"
"Well, my dear, I only mentioned it
out of respect for yourself. I thought
you were failing"
"And what in the world put it into
your head thatI was failing"
''When you were counting me you
could hold me on your lap three hours /;
now you cannot hold the baby on your
lap three minutes. Our Society Jo,u'-
nag
THE GOVERNOR BLUsHED.
A good joke is told at the expense of
Gov. Hill. In making his speech at
one of the e@mty fits lis tht n,t,h5r fiji he tolR
Twain, of Elmira. 1t appears that
Whenever IL, Irondisl by Gle,
birth of a child, erects water trough
in the city upon which the name of the
child is chiselled. The Governor was
commenting upon this fact and urging
his hearers to follow the good example
of Twain, when some one in the audi
ence exclaimed:
"Well, Governor, what are you doing
for the Watering trough business 2"
Our bachelor Governor could do
nothing but blush.-ADany Journa5.
ANSWERED. HIS PURPOSE.
One of our attorneys tells story of
lender he once knew living in
Denmark. Being approached on GER
tain occasion for money he told the
borrower to step into his room and he
would get it out OF his safe and let him
have the sum wanted. AS the borrow
er went in and took a seat he saw no
safe there, but the money lender
went to an old bible and, after turning
over the leaves awhile, he found the
amount needed.
What. sir do YOU call that safe?''
asked the borrower.
''Well, itain't exactly safe against fire,
but it's safe against the family, said the
lender.
OLD ASSOCIATIONS.
"Want to sell that mule2" asked a
quiet looking man on the sidewalk.
Eyes, but I'll be honest with you,
mister. don't think you'll want him.
He's an awful kicker.
'Is he a full jewelled, thoroughgoing,
first-class kicker!''
"That's what
"Wen, name your figures and I'll
take him.
"Great Scott, mister What do you
want of him?''
Company. I'm n baseball umpire
and l don't want to feel lonesome this
winter. = Washington Critic.
A DOLLAR LESS IN THE CONTRIBUTION
Good Minister-It's rather odd that
the collections are exactly 81 less than
they used to be.
Minister'S Wife-Nothing odd about
it.
eve haven't lost any of our congre-
CATION
"No, bat [ suppose you remember
that Mr.. Pious never used to give less
than 81.
"Of course"
"Well, Mr.. Pious has been elected
deacon aud he passes the plate now."
--Omada World.
MAKING HIMSELF SOLID.
Wife-Why did you send home ton
of coal to-day, dear? We have coal
enough to last until July.
Husband-I didn't order any coal,
and I wish you wouldn't pay gas bills
I went to the office to-day to make Il
kick and was told the bill was paid.
Wife-Why, haven't paid any gas
bills.
Daughter (blushing)-George is the
responsible one, papa, and think 1t
was n very delicate thing for him to do.
". Y. SIM.
LOCATION Is EVERYTHING.
House Owner-How many children
have you, madam!
House Hunter-Fivc.
House Owner-That alters the case. L
can't let you have the house.
House Hunter-You are more partic-
ular and exclusive than the kingdom of
Heaven.
House Owner--Possibly, madam,
possibly. This house fronts ON Prairie
avenue. Good morning. .-Chjc"go 1'3d-
une.
SELF-INSURANCE.
" Bridget, did yez iver sthop TO think
that after yer dead yer niver safe from,
these middical Students"
''That's so, Dinny. It's wan of the
things that's preiudiced me very much
aginst dyin'."
" I've thought of way to get ahead
nv EN-"
How's that"
"O'im' goen' to worruk i'll powder
mill. . IKaShingt0I Critir.
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