The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1887-04-23
UNDERTAKES, TALES.
Stories Told by Funeral Directors at Their
Meeting in Pittsburgh.

| Stories Told by Funeral Directors at Their
Meeting in Pittsburgh.
81 had a funny experience years ago,
when worked for Mayor-elect Nc
Calm in this city," remarked country
undertaken.
what was that?'
why, l got pay for burying man
twice. 1t was this way: A man had
been fished up out of the river and sent
to our house to bury. That night about
nine o'clock in came two women, a
mother and daughter, named Smith,
living on the south side. They asked
to see the drowned man. and as quick
as lifted the cloth that covered his
face, the old lady threw up both hands
and screamed: That's him; that's my
poor husband The young lady identi-
| fed him, too, but didn't seem to feel
very bad. The next morning the family
lawyer came to me and gave orders for
the burial. The old man, it seemed,
had considerable money; at any rate.
worked him off real nice and respectable
like, and got my pay. About a year
later the same lawyer came to me and
says; You ought to owe me fifty
dollars?'
Why says I.
"'Why, 1 paid you that for burying
old Smith about year ago and he
WASN'T dead. But he is ready to plant
this time; died last night, and 1 came
over after you.
"Well. / went over and laid the man
out. While | was at work on him the
old lady came in and said: We'll, he's
dead enough this time, poor man. The
night after we'd buried him before, he
came walking into the room where we
was all sitting. He had taken little
too much drink, and had just got over
it and read about our buryin' him in
the papers, an Lor' but he was mad. l
knew he was no sperrit as soon as he
came in. But l guess he won't come
back this time
81 never like to shave corpse" re-
marked red-headed funeral director
from an adjoining county, "and if it is
practicable always like to get a barber.
About month ago l had an old man
to bury who had died with four or five
days growth of beard His limbs had
contracted terribly after death, and to
straighten them out we had laid couple
of plank across him. He was lying on
the bed in this way when the barber
came, big colored fellow, with consd-
cradle superstition about him. He
shaved the outside of the face all right,
and then had to climb on the bed, over
the deceased. to shave the other side.
In some way his knees hit the plank
which lay across the dead mans chest,
and held his arms down, releasing
both arms. They sprung together like
the jaws of steel trap, and happened
to catch the barber on both sides of the
head. He gave one long yell that
lasted till he reached the street, and
that was the last seen of him. l had to
finish the job, since the darby was so
badly scared that it was three days be-
fore he went to work again"
The following dialogue is alleged to
have been overheard at the convention,
and was re-told with considerable gusto:
Country Undertaker-Do you make
any difference in your own manner and
expression in conducting different
funerals?
City Funeral Director-Certainly. II
have three expressions-one for first
class funerals, one for medium, and one
for cheap funerals. First-class funerals,
as 1 call them, are when the family has
wealth and social position. These peo-
pie are calm and undemonstrative in
their sorrow, and use what call my
"dignified sorrow expression-a calm,
sad look, with white tie. l charge
ten dollars extra for this in my ct Get
eras. For the medium class l just sling
in a sort of ministerial sadness
| look that costs them five dollars extra.
If the family have lots of money and
are pretty shoddy, and bound to make
big show, use a Suppressed grief
expression that pride myself on. 1t is
really pathetic. That costs the mourn
ers twenty-five dollars, but it's dandy.
-Pittsburgh Dispatch.