The Irish standard., 1887-03-26
POINTED PLEA5ANTRlES.

An some!et worn around the neck,'' sale
pretentious woman, twill keep OF al
sorts OF evils.''
IT's a slim chance" remarked a super
anuated belle when a consumptive dude
proposed to her.
s'THAT remains to be SEEM" is what the
young lady remarked when she left some
thing on the plate ''for manners"
A FINE field for spectacle-ventlers would
be Lima in South America, as it is claimed
by paper of that country that t'the ladies
are all eyes.''
CHINESE daughters depend up II their
husbands for fame and fortune, while the
sons depend upon themselves. 1t is not SC
In this country.
A LITTLE girl, upon asking her bright
brother what goldfish balls were for, re
cciveu the reply: Why, to shoot Goldfish
with OF course.''
A DOCTOR successfully cut open a cats
throat and successfully extracted a needle
therefron, after which opera ton the cat
successfully died.
A LoyE-LETTER written to married
woman twenty-seven years ago has cost
the writer several hundred dollars q year
ever since. Moral: Use rather, the tele-
phone.
AT a gospel meeting, a very lengthy paper
on the success Of a Ger tain missionary work
was read by a lady in very deliberate
manner; at it's conclusion the hymn 'Iial-
lelujah, tits done,o was given QUE and sung
with much gusto.
a STRANGER III a. mining town out West
overheard the following: "How's Jim
A,.1 ,lx,0 81 he
kemitted sewerside bout a month back T"
s'Tllat so! How'd he do that 81 'Wall,
we see, he called me liar"
A PARROT that had been left in the com
pany OF the servants by a young couple
who went abroad for few weeks, ''let the
cat out Of the bag'' upon their return by
heavily exclaiming: "Lesh fave nuzzes
bot'l; nobody 'round ter boxer usp'
The pest seats in q theater are those jus.
back of ''ths bald headed row." It is much
easier to squirt across the shining expanse
OF "slzating-rink'' than go through the
gymnastics necessary to obtain q view
from behind one Of the fearful and won
derful structures known in millinery Cir
cles as hat
tsWHAr is the difference between. sitting
up and sitting down, pas" asked a child.
"Why, when {. body is standing up he sits
down by seating himself, and when he re-
mains out Of bed he sits up" "Well, bur
how can he sit without sitting down; and
how can he sit up when he is sitting
down?" queried the child.
A LAuGHABLi: experience of book agent
in school is narrated in the Cleveland
Leader The agent called upon the super
intendent and finding him out rang bell
close at hand. It proved to be a fire alarm,
at the sound of which, six hundred we'll
trained pupils arose and filed out OF the
building. The agent soon sought "felds
afresh.''
A FRENCH restauranteur, upon being
asked the name of delicious dish upon
the table, replied: "Ah, Eat is re mag
nifque deesh: Eat is re vat you call hini
Oui, re owel' "OwlW exclaimed tbs
diners. "Owl! Where did you get ito Did
you kill it?," ''Tonnaire ~ exclaimed the
Frenchman, reproachfully, II no keel him
he himself hat die"
MANNEssEH-"You Silel Whot yo' go1
yo' he'd dun up dat-a-way fo'a" Sile-s'Er
er, toothache; powful toothache, chile.''
Mannesseh-"Glt hit pulled nigga, git hit
pulledw Sile-"M-m! No sab! Da,
grinder dun had ham in musicatin' al
de chickens dis pusson cher eat Yo' spose
Use gwine ter pawt wild SIGH soothenei
as dat? Mini Lem me be-"
AN English organist recently published
a book which claims that "a cow lows in 8
perfect fifth and octave or tenth; dog
barks in fifth or fourth; donkey brays
in perfect octave; horse neighs in 6
descent on the chromatic SCALE" To this
be might safely add, and pig under
gate runs tbs whole gamut from the added
line below up to the skylight. r. B. W.
sTHERE is nothing in nature that so sensi,
lively shrinks as pure country milk when
1t is exposed to the wiles of a great city
ninety sever perv cent. pure whe1
pallid and wan, upon the hotel-table, it car
rest having oozed out in tears of regret fol
its lost condition.
els THERE any thing on your mind thai
troubles you!" inquired a pastor Of dying
soldier ayes" said the dying man. g
am the only man in the Union army thai
has not picked up burning shell and cast
it Kissing and suffering over the parape,
of fort, although have had lots of oppor
tunltleS. always IOOllSnly drew the fuse
with my teeth and saved the she'll" Their
cracked noble heart-Burdette.
A YASKEE, upon asking stranger if he
had a family, received the reply: II have
wife and six children, and never saw
one of then.'' After puzzled silence the
Yankee asked: "Had any trouble with
your eyeszn 'sNo, SIR" ever had any
brain trouble?' 'sNo, sir!" 'sWell, how
can it be that you have wife and chill.
dren ane never saw one of them2n s.Well
one of them was born since have been alb.
cent vou COO ,,