Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-05-05
SQUIBS.


Toil1los ain patriotism Dy long SnOt-
Always has pryor engag ment-the
crowbar.
Every man should be his own prohibi
zionist.
A good drink of jersey lightning will
make man feel like thunder.
A dollar goes farther than it used to
and it makes the distance in quicker time
None of US are so poor that we can't
pay compliment when it's due.
Foot reading is the latest kind. Verify
these are times that try mems souls.
When a man abandons party in order
to improve it he generally succeeds.
The Cologne Gazette should be in GOD
odor with the German Government.
The man who thinks that the world
collects the bill
The Philadelphia Press does up the
boston symphony fiddlers in this fashion
I'VE came, We sawed, we conque red"
The Interstate Commerce law does
not prohibit the passing of cold way es all
over the country.
Any one who wants . partner In the
show business should look mp contor-
ZIONIST. He will always be found ready to
double UP.
"Defne monstrosity." said the teach
er. and the children all replied in a ring
ing chorus: "Ax Insurance agent with
the humps"
'The Writer" has en- article on "How
to Get into Print" and yet does not re-
commend the most direct and expeditions
method-to appear as simple drunk.
A school of journalism has been started
in London. Every one who has er- at
tempted to read an English pape iilf
admit that the school has a broad field
before it.
A paper in New Me xico says the climate
Of that Territory is the finest in the world
for marrying. The papers however, faile
to say weather the climate is cold or
simply bracing.
A Key West man who was in New York
refused to eat mock turtle soup on &C
| count of the apparent injustice to the
real turtle, who is doing his best to push
business and build up Il market.
Chicago Congregational pr eacher
was in some mysterious manner knocked
| down the other day, and no one can i'm
agin how it happened. Perhaps Henry
Ward Beecher's mantle fell on him.
''That new dentist who came to town
last week is going to make business hum"
said the new postmaster. "How so?"
said the parson. "Why, he has sign out,
| Teeth extracted while you watt He's
rustler."
There's big difference between tray
cling salesman and drummer. Tho
drummer sells car loads of goods and gets
his salary raised. while the travelling sales
man doesn't earn his salt and gets dis
charged.
TIE fact that Mrs. James Brown Potterrs
portrait has not yet appeared in Lon
don soap advertisement is pretty conclu-
sive evidence that her debut on the stage
over there has not been an overwhelming
success.
Lady shopper am looking for we'd
ding present.
Druggist-You we're fortunate in COM
ing here, madam. We have just laid in a
large stock of the latest hair restorer.
A man in Cincinnati named Jarvis
makes it his whole business to hunt ous
men with brick colored whis kers an6
knock them into the middle of next week
when found. What broad field he
would have in Scotland.
eporter-What effect do you think the
the drama? Trage lian-It will not
crush Melpomene. 1t will not affect us.
Reporter-Why not?. Tragedian-Be-
cause the new law does rot say anything
about walking,
will you trust me, Fannie?" he crieGl
passionately grasping her hand. ''With
all my soul, with all myself" she VIII isper-
ed, nesting on his manly bosom. 'W oulG
to heaven you were my tailor" he muir
INJURED soto voce, and tenderly he took
her to his arms.
James" said the high school girl to
her brother, II wish you would ebonize
my pedal integuments for me-
cob, Pm no dentist" replied Jim.
"A dentist! | OILY want you to black
my Shoes
Then why don't you talk United States
and say 500"
"Does prohibition prohibit" he de-
manded as he glared around. "Is there a
city Or town in any prohibition State
where you can't buy glass of whiskey?"
give teen in a hundred towns where i
couldn't" answered tall, lean tramp ON
the outskirts of the group. "Why couldn't
you-why sir?' Because didn't have
a nickel.
Four-years-old Susie had done some
thing wrong, but her mother had for
given her and promised not to tell her
pa.
ooh, ma!' she exclaimed, as thought
struck her, "when pa dies will the LORD
tell him what did?''
eyes, think he will, said the mother.
"Well,' said susie, after another long
pause, 81 think he is a ular tattle- tale,
don't your"
Visitor Tin penitentiary My good
friend, what brought you to this place.
Convict-Bauk burglary, sir.
Visiror-And you look back on your
past life with regret and shame?
"Well, dunno, sir. Ten years ago
was nothin' but common sneak thief,
an now I'm up for bank burglary. No
thin to be ashamed of about that"
The Ingenuity of SwindIers.
A couple of rascals are swlndiing the
farmers CT Greene county, Pa, IN an In
Tbau road tho local