The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1887-03-12
MARK TWAIN AS A FARMER.
A speech That He Might Have Delivered
Before IA Farmers club.

Before Farmers club.
have been introduced to you as an ex-
perienced Agriculturist. Uaughter)
love the farm. Adam loved the farm.
! CLaughCer) Noah loved his vineyards.
Horace loved the farm, as is shown by
that great book, What Know About
Farming" Iaughter) Washington.
Webster and Beecher were alured by the
attractions of agriculture. Some one
said to Beecher, keep your cows out of
my shrubbery." Keep your shrnbbery
olt of my cows replied Beecher; ''it
spoils the milk" Q-aughter.) Hogs
are hard animals to drive over a bridge.
! Laughter.) once saw man carried
several miles on the back of hos that
turned back in opposition to the solicita-
tons of the driver on approaching a
bridge. Uaughter) ! will tel! you of a
safe way to get hogs over bridge: XIII
them and draw them over 10 a wagon.
! (Laughter.) Hogs are fond of spring
lambs and spring chickens Hogs will
eat their own offspring if no lambs or
chickens are offered in the market.
(Laughter.) When a boy was solicited
to escort pig to neighbor's farm. A
strong rope tied to the pigs leg was
placed in my hand. | did not know be-
fore the speed and strength of a pig.
| (Laughter.) But they do not run the
way you want them to run. 0tenewed
laughter.) \ pig can draw a canal-bo
with the tow line tied to his hind leg, but
| would not insure the canal boat. Hogs
are clearly, orderly, silent and not bent
oa NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. cut up
and sailed and in tight barrel, with
heavy weight on the lid. prolonged
love cows. (Laughter) What so
meek and low-l y- Qaug hter)-as a
be frightened at cows. was never hurt
| by COW but once He shook his head
at me from behind a strong gate. felt
the security OF my position and SHE'D
pumpkin at him. He came through the
gate at me as though it were SPIDERS
web, and then | was sorry | did it.
| (Laughter.) This kind of COW should
not be fooled with unless you are tired of
monotony. Uaughter.) The poet loves
| to dwell upon milkmaidS, milking time
and lovers sparkling over the fanny yard
| ta hpt
MIXED a COW in fly time. Qaughter.) l
| cannot imagine successful love suit at
such a season. | MIXED the cows one
night when the boys were off on a Fourth
of July. Uaughter.) That is, MIXED
one and one-half cows. Uaughter.) The
last one was SO busy knocking off flies
with her hind foot | thought had better
not disturb her longer. A pail of fresh
milk kicked over boy does not improve
his clothes or temper. Some say MIXED
from the wrong side. (Great lau ghter. y
thought would be sure and be right,
SO | MIXED half on one side and half on
the other. (Renewed laughter was
on the other side hen she knocked off
most flies. Can any one tell me why a
COW should be permitted to dictate which
side man shall milk from? | claim the
right of my choice at least half of the
| time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
green. trust you never gamble over
the green. Nothing so patient and mod
est as sheep. Uaughter.) Some say a
scamp is the black sheep of the flock, but
black sheep is just as respectable as
any, and the color line should not thus
be drawn. (Laughter.) | once fished
on the bluff and casually discovered a
sheep with large crooked horns coming
at me with head down and fire in her
eyes. The fish were not biting WE'LL so
left my sport lodged behind a stump
The sheep fell on the rocks below and
broke her neck. For this act have since
been accused of non protection in the
wool traffic. This reminds me of Com
missioner of Agriculture in old times
|
the improvement of American hocks.
prolonged laughter.) Feather beds are
made from geese, but all wooden goods
and drums are made from sheepskins.
(Applause.)
! take great pride in the horse. "IIe
is the noblest Roman of them ALL"
(Laughter.) once led Stephens horse
to water. How proudly be arched his
neck and tail. He was SO fond of me he
tried to embrace me with his trout feet.
But was SO shy he turned about and
playfully knocked my hat off with his
heels. Qaughter.) | told Stephens
thought horses looked much better walk
ing on four feet than on two feet. A horse
presses hard when your toe is caught IN
der his hoof. l speak not from theory,
but from actual experience Daughter
| went riding with Stephens horse and
he SHE'D and danced provokingly. Treat
him kindly" said Stephens, Never beat
a horse" BY and by Stephens thought
he would get out and walk for exercise.
You may let him feel the lash a little
now," said Stephens. "A little discipline
now will dc him good" prolonged
laughter.)
| Here is a composition | wrote ON farm
ng when boy: Farming is healthy: but
no man can run farm and wear his best
clothes at the sane time. Either the
farming must cease while the new clothes
continue, or the new clothes must cease
while farming continues. This shows
that farming is not SO clean work as be-
| ing Congressman or schoolmaster, for
these men can wear good clothes ii they
can find money to pay for them. (Laugh-
ter.) Farmers get up early in the morn.
ing. They say the early bird catches the
worm. If | was Bird had rather get
up late and eat cherries i'll place OF
worms. Iaughter) Farmers don't
paint their wagons when they can help
it, for they show mud too quick. The
color of their boots is red, and don't look
like other peoples boots, because they
are twice as big. (Appause.) Farmers
wives have hard time cooking for hired
men, and the hired men find fault with
the farmers wives cooking Why don't
farmers wives let the hired men do the
cooking while they do the finding fault.
CGreat applause.) Farmers don't get as