The gold leaf. [volume] (Henderson, N.C.) 1881-1911, 1887-02-10
A Y ALIEN TIN Z
TO the Girls of America.
The Inimitable Pat Donan Indites
Rich and Racy Epistle TO the Purer
and Better Half of Humanity.
Fargo (Dakota) Argus. ]

Fargo (Dakota) Argus.]
Maidens and spinsters of every degree,
Charming young widows delightful TO see,
Girls who want husbands to cherish and
love,
Fly here with the speed of the carrier dove
The vineyards and gardens of sunniest
France,
The land where the beauties of Italy dance,
The bowers OF Blarney, the banks of the
Dee,
The shores of the Baltic or Caspian sea.
Each nook and each corner of bounteous
Earth
Where loyeliness dwells or where beauty
has birth,
Keep your gold and your jewels, your ru-
bies and pearls,
But send to Dakota your surplus of girls.
There are husbands for all, the gay and the
grave, -'-
For the dark and the fair, the timid, the
For all single girls who would win the re-
Of pTincely producer of number one
hard"
Cupid is a queer little chap, and the
older he grows the crankier he gets
He is bigger fooI-maker to-day than
he was four thousand years ago, when
he induced Colonel Samson, the great
original ion-tail -twister and congress
sional -jawbone swinger, to lay his wool
and his glory in the lap of half-negro
Delilah. He is a more resistless moral
tangler and common sense -smasher in
| this 100 year of Yankee Doodle than
| when he made the Psalmist David a
Mormon and an assassin. He is a
more egregious ninny-breeder now
| than he was when he led all Homer's
heroes on that wild Grecian bender
after the Sarah Bernhardt of, the Tro-
jan era. He is more inefable idiot
manufacturer this moment than when,
twenty centuries agone, he wheedled
Mark Antony-the ancestor of Susan
B., who spells it with an ''h''-into
casting aside the sceptre of the world
for nappy -pated Egyptian mulattress.
He is more unconscionable heather
amid all our nineteenth century blaze
of gospel light and liberty than when
he and his scanty-skirted mamma, Mrs.
Venus, led the pagan orgies of Athe-
nian damsels beneath the shade of an
cient olive groves. He is creations
marplot, dignity's dethroner, reasons
upsetter and scofer.
Fang Of hydrophobic cur never
punched as many madcap fancies into
its victims body as tie slightest Craze
of one Of his tiny molasses candy
shafts. Aged senators, slightly strick-
en-, oil their rusty joints and caper
around infantile treasury clerkesses,
like hand organ monkeys with, ring
worms on their Darwinian continual
tions. Old women, toothless and
shriveled, touched by the pestiterous
little archer who turks in rosehuds and
cabbage heads, plaster their graveyard
counten@nces with enamels and paints
enough to gorge camp of Kickapoo
squaws, swing gawds and gewgaws to
every available protuberanCe, pile on
sweet sixteen toggery, and smirk and
giggle in a style that would drive a
whole bedlam of ordinary lunatics to
suicide. Seventy yearold Christian
cys go spooneying after yearl-
ing girl clerks; antiquated Major Gen
eral Harneys, after escaping cannon,
muskerty, bombs and scalping knives
for a century or more, tumble before
the smiles and wiles of buxOm petit
coated private secretaries; queenly
Widow Hickses firt with octegenaran
OConors, and elope with antediluviar
Tom Lords; and she Methuselahs, like
Burdtt-e Coutts, surrender $500, 900 q
year for the pleasure OF calling lack
adaisical lily-boy Bartlett " hubby
The bigger the folly the surer the
stroke. No man was ever truly in love
: who did not make joyous ass Of him
self. and the huger the ears the purel
the fame No woman ever loved who
was not prepared to discount a whole
aS-silly-um of man-laCS at a moment
notice No freak is too wild, no va
!, gary too monstrous. Eagles mate will
, moles, and swans with hedgehogs
Tom Thumbs pine for she GOlIaths
sons of Anak wed human humming
, birds; mighty-brained heroes ant
l statesmen rave over insane little but
l terhies, punny wax dolls, and tafy
faced pigmies; kings bow down to bal
!, let dancers, and queens take refuge il
l the arms of cooks and coachmen, and
in all lands and Climes, in every con
dition and state, the Cupid wounded
gosling and goslingeses have hare
i road to travel to paradise of squasI
e an imaginary elysium, whose rose
Y are too often rue. All masculinity
:, doomed, sooner or later, to be snlit
!, ten, punctured, harpooned; and, shell
r tered beneath the mantle or wings
whichever he wears-of swift-comin
Saint Valentine, wish to tell all VIC
S mankind that nowhere else on earth
{ that shifting, puncturing and harpoon
y ing SO easily done; nowhere else be
meath the sapphIrean dome Of heave