The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1887-06-08
WIT AND HUM0R.

| soon wear out. says phX Slcian- II
may be, but people who are always
low-spirited wear other people out
| fonkers Statesman.
Lady at theater (who has left her hat
outside)-Where are YOU going. my
dear? Husband Cat end of first act-
| am going out to see if your hat IS all
right -Ne,0 York San.
MIA, there's hole in my rubber.
and it's full of water" well. come
| the water'll run out" Who saws a
woman doesn't reason?-B Boston 7raRs-
script
A New Orleans editor has discover
/, ed that fishing is hard work. 1t was
| generally supposed that fishing was
easy enough. but that it was the lying
about the big ones which got away
that entailed the hard labor-NorrIs-
tO;on Herald.
WHO is the god of battlesP" asked
a teacher of the class in mythology.
MAR" answered little Johnnie Hen
peck. MARS, you mean, Johnnie"
corrected the teacher ''No, l don't
neither. only got one mar. " Wash
iagton CrTtic
A mesaliiance at Tuxedo-Mrs.
Rapide-Aren't YOU going TO join us
after the bag this morning, Tom? Mr.
Rapide (who does not believe IN his
wife's infatuation) Thanks, no, dear.
I've got TO stay at home and do a little
sewing. - TGd-Bits.
The Marquise de Calinaux. who is
still somewhat giddy. wrote TO one of
her friends recently; My daughter
has just given birth to son. Tell the
news to our friends; but YOU needn't
mention the fact that / am a grand
mother. French Fan.
DeForest-"Where did you learn to
make such mince pie, Mrs McDoodle2
| What tender recollections it revives"
Mrs. McDoodle (tenderly)-. Home
and mother, l suppose" DeForest-
''No, not exactly that 1t reminds me
of the dreams l had last night. "-Neto
Hduen NctGS.
He (to Pittsburg heiress)-Do YOU
know Miss Wandergrifr, whose father
is reported to be so very rich? She
(glass and pig-iron)-O, no. indeed,
The Wandergrifts do not belong to our
set at all! They are so new, you
know! Their money comes from ma
tural gas.-Puek.
Il didn't know before that Jones
had been night-watchman." II
don't think he ever was one" II
can't account for it, then. He certain
ly told me he didn't hear the explosion
| in the next house the other night when
the burglars blew open the safe"-
PittSbarg Dispatch.
A New York Judge has decided that
"cornering" is crime. When YOU
return home few inches after mid
night by the clock and your wife be-
gins to question and '.cross"-examine
you, and finally begins TO "corner"
You, call her attention to this decision.
-NorriStolcH Herald.
Dead silence in the parlor. Half
lights. More silence. Dim lights. In
crease of silence. Female voice speaks
verbally, breaking quiet: 80, Jack.
you haven't shaved to-day" More
silence in the parlor. accompanied bv
gradually-decreasing quiet in the sit
ting room. Il Burdettc.
Doctor-"My dear man, you have no
organic trouble, no symptom of dis
ease, properly speaking; but YOU are
simply run down. What is your oc-
cupation?" Patient-'I am a city Ia
borer and work upon the streets"
Doctor-''Ah, it is as suspected.
You require exercise" "-Boston Tran
script.
'How do you like your new posi-
/. tion?" inquired a travelling man of
friend. 20, first rate" Your en-
ployer treats you well, does hep"
, "Yes, indeed. He has already given
me raise "What, so soonp When
was it?' Last Sunday night, when
| called on his daughter. Merchant
TraueIer.
Woman Ito tramp)-"I kin give ye
some cold buckwheat cakes an piece
o mince pie" Tramp (frightened)-
| .'Wha-what's that?' Woman-"Cold
buckwheat cakes an mince pie"
: Tramp (heroically) Throw in a
small bottle of pepsin, madam, and I'll
take the chances. ."-Medical and Silrgt-
cal Register.
Mrs. H.-''Great heavens. Grams
, ton! Don't deny it; | saw you kiss
herr Mr.. H. (stifily)-''You are mis-
taken; she kissed me. Mrs. H
''But why did you let her?" Mr.. H
II couldn't be rude to a lady" "But
why did she want to kiss you?" Mr..
HI can't imagine You ought to
know. Life.
fl A surmise-''You know a scene oc-
ours in Hamlet in which Polonius
asks the Prince what he is reading and
receives the reply, Words, words,
words" said a literary traveller to a
friend. Yes" "Well what do you
suppose Hamlet was reading?" 1.-The
Congressional Record, l reckon" -
Merchant TraUeLer.
A new baby has arrived at little
Johnny's residence. and the youngster
was admitted to take his first look at
!, the little stranger. He surveyed it
calmly for moment, and then looking
= up exclaimed enthusiastically: "His
face is just the color Of Uncle Georges.
! Gosh, but he must be hard drinkeri"
!, -Pittsburg Despatch.
/ ''And what does your costume repre-
/. | sent?" said Chauncey Depew to
O young lady at fancy ball, whose dress
i began too late and ended too soon.
: 'sOi This is an idea of my own, you
n know. / am the New York Central. :"
a $50 see. The Fast Limited. at the
j lowest Cut Rates, imagine" replied
O the witt Tolen Topics.
VI That is beautiful hat you have on,
e Miss Fyregillte" ''Do you really
If think so, Mr.. Jenkyns? You flattereri
# I'm sure | can't see how you can say
f, it." because / think it, but
, you've no idea. Why. the dreadful
/ thing only cost $50. | put it on to-day
8 because it was raining and / wanted to
spoil it. ''-Toacn Topics.
9 'What sorrowful little duck you
7 are, - said Edward, as he sat up and
tried to remember how he got to bed.
a 81 ought to be-" said Angelina, who
e remembered perfectly well. ''for / am
/ afraid my husband is a sad rake" But
a the narrowed joke slipped painfully
II over Edward, who knew nothing about
. agricultural matters, with the teeth up.
= -Burdette.
: Young man Ito western young LADY,
-Yaas. I'm a member of the Hare and
i Hounds Club, v know. At last meet
!. / was one of the hares. Western young
= lady-What do you mean by hare. Mr..
- Sissy? Young man-They are called
!. rabbits in this country. believe. West
~ ern young lady-O. yes. those sweet
little animals with such long ears. How
4 nice.-Hdrper's Bazar.
nt A man sat on salt barrel on Michi-