The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1887-06-25
AMUSING METAPHORS.
A Collection of Ridiculous. Witty and
Humorous Remarks.

A Collection of Ridiculous. Witty and
Humorous Remarks.
Ridicule, says German critic, is like
blow with the fist; wit, like the prick
of needle; irony, like the sting of a
thorD; and humor the plaster which
heals all these wounds. All of these
qualities may be found in some meta
phors.
Man is said to be an animal that has
mania for getting up societies and
making himself president. If the pres
ide1cy has been already claimed, he
contents himself with the position of
treasurer. In a cynical old bachelors
opinion, ideas are like beards-men only
get them when they grow up, and
women never have any. 1t was prob
ably another old bachelor who said:
Mature shudders when she sees
woman throw stone; but when n
woman attempts to split wood nature
covers her head and retres to dark
and moldering cave in temporary de-
spair." A spinster says old bachelors
are frozen-out old gardeners in the
hower-bed of love.
A farmer said: lone thing l don't
like about city folks-they be either so
stuck up that yer can't reach 'em with
a haystack pole, or so blamed friendly
that they forget to pay their board"
A rural poet said of his lady-love:
''She is graceful as a water-lily, while
her breath is like an armful of clover"
An American poet wrote eulogy of
Washington, whose glorious life should
compose volume as Alps immortal,
spotless as its SHOWS. The stars should
be its types, its press the age, the earth
its binding, and the sky its page. Truly,
some American poets go in for marvels
of metaphor
"You look" said an Irishman to a
pale, haggard smoker, "as if you had
got out of your grave to light your
cigar, and couldn't find your way back
again"
A schoolmaster describing money
lender says: ''He serves you in the
present tense, he lends you in the con-
ditional mood, keeps you in the sub
junctive, and ruins you in the future.
A close observer of human nature re-
marks: thine marches on with the
slow, measured tread of the man work
ing by the day" A French author is
charged with the prediction that France
will throw herself into the arms of the
liberating sword This is not quite so
bad as the politicians speech: 1--WE
will burn our ships, and, with every
sail unfurled, steer boldly out into the
ocean of freedomr'
A clergyman on board a ship began
sermon in the following manner:
"Dear friends, l shall embark nv ex-
hortation on the barge of my lips, in
order to cross the stormy ocean of your
attention, and in hope of arriving safely
at the port of your ears"
A young American lawyer employed
to defend culprit charged with steal
ing q pig, resolved to convince the court
that he was born to shine. According
ly he proceeded to deliver the follow
ing brilliant exordium: "May it please
the court and gentlemen of the jury,
while Europe is bathed in blood; while
classic Greece is struggling for her
rights and liberties, and trampling the
unhallowed affairs of the bearded inf
dels to dust; while America shines
forth the brightest orb in the political
sky-I, with due diflidence, rise to de-
fend the cause of this humble hog
thief. "-Cbristian Union.