davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10
HUMOROUS.
"A policeman always looks blue. -
american COH21nercInL Traveller.

"A policeman always looks blue. -
american Commercial TraUeler.
old Lady-"How often does this
elevator come DOWN." Elevator Boy
''Between up-trips, ma'am."
-He-"What are you thinking OFF"
She-"Nothing' -(absent mind
edly)--"You flatter me. 1Sd-Bits.
DO all the jokes about restaurant
pie come under the classification of
"Humors of the Stomach" Merchant
Iraveler.
In the Criminal Court Lawyer
"My client, your Honor, in killing his
victim, had lost his head" Judge
''Not yet, but he will!'
Gray Say, Black, why is the
moon like city attic Window" Black
-"Why?" Gray-"Because it. sky
light, of.course. "-Boston Budget.
The man who rides on the cars
every day is satisfied with one seat;
but the man who rides once a year
wants at least four.-Shoe and Leather
Reporter.
"A young lady in Summerdale is so
very tender-hearted, that she refuses to
pare the potatoes for her mother. She
says she is afraid she might iniure their
eyes.-Drake's Travellers Magazine.
1t bothers the man who has earned
success by faithful, honest, brainy
work to hear his friends say among
themselves: ''What an Internally lucky
fellow Jack s!'-Joar7eaL OF Education.
Customer Ito photographer)-"I
don't think the picture does me JUS
tice." Photographer" My dear sir, if
photography did justice TO every one
who has his picture taken, the art
would soon grow unpopular. - b,ca-
90 AdUd,2ce.
What She Is
MY love is not an angel.
With thoughts ON heavenly scenes,
She's just a common Boston girl,
And dotes on pork and beans.
-SomerUilEe Journal.
-''You put your foot in it nicely to-
night, - said Mrs. Sweetspeech. ''How
was that?' asked her husband.
.When you told Mrs. Fourthly that
you were sure her husband would new
er go the way he sent other people,"
'Well, and what of that?" s'Why,
her husband is preacher. ''Great
Scott! I thought he was sheriff. y
Burdette.
| Minister of Kirk, Glasgow I'M
derstand, deacon, that the church car
pet is being ruined by the water drip
ping from umbrellas Elder Goode-
YES, minister, and something has to
be done" ''Why not have rack in
the vestibule and leave the umbrellas
there instead of carrying them to the
seats?" I'm afraid it would spoil the
solemnity of the benediction." you
think sop Eyes, minister; every
body would want to be first out to get
the best ones
-"Why, Harry" said a lady to
small boy who was cryingin the street,
..what's the matter?'' Mother
whipped mer' groaned the boy.
s'What forP'' "'Cause | fell in the
river and got wet. We'll, don't
you think you deserved it?'' '.No, I
| don't. came purity near gettin'
drowned, and if | had, then wouldn't
she a-cried her eyes out? and just be-
cause I didn't, an come home little
act, she gives me whippin'. Next
time I'll drowned, and teach her how
o treat a feller-boo-hoo!" ~ 7.
Ledger.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10
How BERTHE Knew.

Bertie-Pa, is that new Mr.. Hanks
an ice dealer?
Pa-Yes BERTHE, how did you knows?
BERTHE II didn't know, only D
thought he was, for when the minister
prayed for hot weather yesterday hei
said "Amen" awfully loud. = Chicago
Inter Ocean,
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10
THE ALPHABET ILLUSTRATED.

THE ALPHABET ILLUSTRATED.
a is the Apple. How small boys delight
TO stand round an apple and beg for bite
The Apple o
d is for Ball. It is used in game
To capture gate money. How base is it's aim!
The Ball. o
C is for cup. When it's filed with hot tea
The women gossip it. They're fond Of
beau-he.
The Cup. ~
ID is for Dollar. A Dollar, you know,
Is round. That's the reason it rolls away 80.
The Dollar S
e is for Egg tits laid by hen
When fresh, soft and cracked it resembles
some men.
The Egg. O
is for Fishhools. This fishermen prize.
II they had no fish-hook they couldn't tell lies.
The Fishhook.
G is for Goblet. Some people, alas,
Get very red noses who gaze in this glass.
The Goblet
When some other fellow can rake in the pot
The Hand. 81
j is for Icicle. Like poor joke,
It's point is transparent and easily broke.
The Icicle. v
j is for Jackstraws This little game serves
TO strengthen your patience and steady your
nerves.
The Jackstraws. hmm
X is for Key. 'Tis whis-key t. at locks
The door Of prison as tight as a box.
The Key. C~u~1@TT
4 is for Line. Some statesmen % may wish
The lines they have written were dropped to
fish.
III is for Marbles They have to DO small,
Or else little boys couldn't shoot EN- at ALL
The Marbles. o 1000
N is for Note. 1t makes one feel blue
To know that tomorrow there's one falling
due.
The Note. i. u:
o is for Orange. An orange farm pays
The sellers. The buyers but mortgages
raise,
The Orange. o
y is for Poker. Your mother-in-law
Should give you the poker if ever you
"draw."
The Poker. o.
q is for Question. First question the pop;
Then pop off the question before you can
stop.
The Question. ?
II is for Ring The ring we like best
Comes out Of the dinner bell when wore
guest.
The Ring. o
s is for Stars. They all scintirate true,
And, pardon the je5t-nut, men sin till late
too
The Stars. $3.50
j IS for Facks. When hey go in your heel
An income tax heavy you probably feel.
The Tacks. T TT
US an Umbrella. We're betting cent
That some one will say it is used up and lent
The Umbrella 7
V ia Villain. A villain is bad
And ought to be waloped each day by his
dad.
The Villain. g
n
WIS for Worm. If on Sunday it's dug
1T goes with hshpole, man and a jug.
The Worm. N
n for Example in algebra stands;
1t puzzles our brains till our forehead ex-
nands
The X-ample. A-Y-CxB-X
is for Yacht. Hold H'England, you know,
Sends over his yachts and We take om In
tow.
The Yacht p
y is for Zigzag. Some men who get tight
! Know all about zigzags and walk EN- at night
The zigzag. &
III @. Dodge IN Detroit Free Press
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10

Matte, after studying history for
a year, wrote: "One of the principal
causes of the Revolution was the Stand
Back STAMP aeD.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10

"a is the Apple. How small boys delight
TO stand round an apple and beg for bite
The Apple. o
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10
. Detroit Free Press.

y is for Zigzag. Some men who get tight
/ Know all about zigzags and walk EN- at night.
The zgzag. =
III O. Dodge IN Detroit Free Press.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1887-06-10

III is for Marbles. They have to DO small,
Or else little boys couldn't shoot em at all.
The Marbles. o o
N is for Note 1t makes one feel blue
To know that tomorrow there's one falling
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
State p.,r-N.ehi.er, Department.

Mr.. William NJ. Bushnell OF st. Paul, who
labored last fall so ~zealously without fee
or reward for the advancement OF the de
partment OF farm machinery and motive
power at the state fair, has accepted the
appointment of superintendent OF that de
partment, which was rendered to him by
the board OF managers. In a letter MIR. IL.
f.. Hoard, secretary OF the state agricul-
tural society, concerning this appointment
saws: .....
Mr.. Bushnell is deeply interested in build
ing up a splendid representative exhibit in
this department, and the are
anxious to assist in every reasonable way
in securing such an exhibit and in drawing
attention to our state and the Northwest
as a region where good machinery is not
only used and needed, butt where it is also
made in great perfection. 1t is appropri-
ate that the manutacturinga and commercial
interests OF our state should be as well rep.
resented at the state fair as are the farm
ing and stock.raising interests.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Suicide Of Rev. Charlie. ward.

A dispatch from New York oiMay 4, says:
Rev Charles Ward formerly rector OF st.
Paul's Episcopal church at Englewood, n.
j., who shot himself and wife and tried to
kill his little daughter last February. was
found dead in his room at the home Of udge
Drew, Rockland Lake. Judge Drew is the
rector's counsel in the criminal prosecu-
ton brought against him, aud also in
the case OF the suit Of his wife for
a bill as separation. About three
weeks ago the Judge had his client taken to
his home, SO as to be with him hen he
prepared his answer to the charges. His
dead body was found this afternoon, and
in the room was an empty bottle which
had formerly contained a mixture OF hy-
drade Of chloral. The body was discovered
by DE-. Watson Of Washington, ID. C., a
guest OF Judge Drew. A note was oundi in
Mr.. Wards handw riting addressed to Mr..
Watson, saying that the choral prescribed
was not strong enough, and that he had
been Obliged to take it all together. DR..
Ward was a long time rector OF the Epis-
copal Church at Winona, Minnesota.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Enormou. Increase Of western Trade.

The weekly trade review by r. g. Dun q
CO., OF New York says: The feature OF bus
iness reports 10 the increase re-
ported at many Western points. In that
section the Interstate act, though checking
trade at some important points, seems to
have produced a feeling OF extraordinary
confidence in a much larger number oil
towns. Other causes, particularly the
speculation in real estate md the nc
tiyity in building, contribute to swell the
transactions surprisingly. At Cincin-
natl elearings show an increase OF 30 per
cent over last year, a 81. Louis 16 per cent
and at Chicago Il, while st. Paul and a
Francisco report gains OF 43 per cent,
Memphis, st. Joseph, Peoria, exceeding 30
per cent, Indianapolis and Denver nearly
so per cent, Oman 102 per cent and
Wichita, Kan, 10 per cent. Apart from
land trading and new building, other bust.
ness has been remarkably active through
out that region. st. Paul sotes a
large output OF -four, Cincinnati
and Milwaukee a distinct improve
ment in trade and collections, and the sup
ply OF money seems everywhere ample.
Eastern cities do not find a corresponding
Improvement in trade. Large amount OF
capital are going to the West on mortgage
loans. Railroad earnings give proof that
while traffic is large the increase falls far
short OF reported grains in the volume OF
business in the West. Reports o!railroads
Tor April show an average increase oil II
per cent in gross earnings over last year.
Already 976 miles OF railroad have been
completed against 652 to date last year,
and new contracts are offered in great
variety and large amounts, but the uneer-
tain prospects as to rates and the decis-
ions OF the interstate commission affects
investments in stecks, though prices have
improved a little. The enormous supply
of money goes far to explain the situation.
Not only has the treasury added about
81, 972, 900 to the circulation in April, but
the abundance and cheapness OF money in
london are clearly felt here.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12

Grant Allen, in the Fortnightly Review,
has giyea az interesting article on Love.
He does not seem to agree With Sir George
Campbell who would have husbands and
wives selected for each other on scientific
principles. lie thinks that the voice OF
pature is far better han the dictum of the
Lord Chancellor or the Royal Society;
that tits not foolish fancies OF youth that
viii have to be got rid OF. but the fool
ish, wicked and mischievous in.
reference OF parents on outsiders
This is quite in the vein of an address by
DIR. Foote. Jr., at Metropolitan Hall, on
the occasion of the first meeting OF the
Auxiliary Hereditary Association in this
city some years ago. II there Is to be in
reference it ought to be wholly on scien-
tifc grounds, and scientific interference
might many imes offset to advantage the
meddlesomeness of parents and friends.
The best way would be to have young
people well Instructed in the laws OF tenn
peramental adaptation and in everything
a~ppertaining to Heredity, and then leave
them to their own fancies.-From Foote's
Health Monthly.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Decision Of low. Railroad Commissioners.

The Iowa railroad commissioners, In the
case OF the complaint OF Gov. Larrabee
against the Chicago, Burlington 4 Quincy
railroad, gave their decision. They say:
The complaint makes Ii their duty to de-
termipe whether OF not the railroad CON-
pany had charged an unreasonable rate.
The government had arraigned and
put them on trial before the bar of public
opinion for the manner in which
they had performed their duties, and had
given them notice that unless they redeem
ed themselves the commission would ave
to 90. Lengthy quotations are made from
the governors criticisms OF prior action OF
the board and for their alleged neglect OF
duty. They say that in February last they
held in this same case that the shipment OF
coal from Cleveland on the 'Q' route
from Glenwood, 136 miles, and to
Council bluffs, 157 miles, were un-
der like conditions and circumstances ex-
cept distance; that 81. so per ton Tor the
shorter distance against $1.25 for the
longer distance was excessive and unjust
discrimination and they recommended a
revision OF the tariff rates to conform to
the provisions of the interstate law. The
road advanced it's Council Bluff rate to
S1.9o. A rehearing was had. and the
commission, after reviewing the arguments
and a careful study OF rates on coal
roads, find n general concession 10
made at competing points. From
all sources of information possible they de.
eide that for class A roads, a proper
criminal chargers 3ocents a ton. An ad-
ditional reasonable rata up to loo miles
distance should be 8 mills per ton per mile;
to 200 miles, Z mills; to 800 miles, 8 mills;
to 400 miles, 5 mills, to 500 miles, 4 mills
per ton. The reasonable rate on coal
from Cleveland to Glenwood would be
$1.45.
The decision OF the commission is unan
imous. This is the first decision on 'iong
and short haul" rates in thet state.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
British oolumbI. Nine ExVIO,ioa

4 terrible explosion occurred in No. 1
shaft of the Yaeouver coal mine at Nani-
mo, b. c.. a few minutes before six o'clock
Tuesday, May Sd. There are supposed to
DO about one hundred men in the mine.
The probabilities are that the Imprisoned
miners viii perish OF s~uffocation.
The first intimation those on the shift
had OF the explosion a a terrific shock,
followed by an outburst OF thick black
smoke through the air shaft. Tine first
explosion WAS quickly followed by a second
one heavier than the first, carrying pieces
OF wood, miners tools, etc, hundreds OF
feetiuto the air. In a few minutes flames be-
n to issue through the air shalt with a
loud, roaring noise. In a short time the
pen house caught fire and was quickly con-
So med. Tlierei Is but little hope OF reaching
the imprisoned miners. Over half OF them
are dead. The miners have wives
and families. The lead whose bodies
have been recovered are William Davis,
John Linn, William Craven and Frederick
Craven, with Samuel Hudson, who formed
one Of the rescuing party, and Others.
This is the worst accident that has ever
occurred in the history OF British Colum.
bia.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Alexander niteh.Irs Wealth.

Milwaukee Sentinel: Unless John l..
Mitchell, John Johnston or David Fergu.
son choose to tell, no one will ever know
what amount OF wealth Alexander Mitchell
had amassed. The late banker tool good
care OF that. In the first place he made
his widow and son sole ex-
~ecuters and stipulated hat they
need furnish no bond 1.-THE amount
OF the bond in such case is supposed to
represent twice the value OF the estate
No inventory will be filed, as is usual, be
cause the executors have decided to file q
bond sufficient to cover the indebtedness,
and Mr.. Mitehell's will. after making a mum
Der Of minor requests, leaves all the rest
OF the property to his son, without specify
ing what that rest of his property con-
sists OF.
The Mitchell estate is not the only large
one concerning whose value the public ID
in entire ignorance. The large Nunnemech,
err estate never got into the probate Office
at all. Mr.. Nunnemacher simply left a
private letter to one of his sons directing
what disposition he wanted made of hil
property. The I'ereles estate was also
left under conditions Which made it impos.
sible to any one outside Of the heirs to
learn its value.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Terrible Tornado In Michigan

Special from Marquette. says: A ter
rife wind swept the peninsula Monday aft
eraoon, the End INST, completely prostrat-
ing telegraph and telephone wires and do
ing great damage at lshpeming, Houghton,
Nesannee, Eseanaba aud all through from
Fort Howard to Iron river, and from Nor
way to Saulte Ste. Marie communication
was entirely destroyed. Many buildings
were ~unroo7ed. chimneys demolished
and railroad travel badly inter
rupted by fallen trees. Men in
the woods were terribly frightened. At
Norway John Coleman was Killed By a
ltlling tree, and Mt Quinnessec the Masonic
hall and Fireman's building were demolish-
ell. At Iron Mountain great damage was
done to houses. II is believed that when
communication is restored reports OF gem
eral havoc will be received from all quar-
tiers. Thomas Hicks was killed at the
Franklin mine, H~oughton, by an g explosion
OF powder. The charging house of the
Jackson mine, Shaft. No. Z, at Negaunee.
was burned. The miners lost one hundred
suits OF clothes.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Latest Sorthrestern Patents.

Minnesota. F. Appleby, Minneapolis,
bundle carrier fos harvester, also wheel; ii.
NJ. Carpenter and ]. Watson, Minneapolis,
sub,aerged bfacing for pile bridges; Z. s.
Crowell, Rochester, stretching and drying
frame for sensltized paper, G.. Eekles, Ego
IN, hustle; l.. ID. Frost, Minneapolis, ma.
chine for turning insulator pins; f. c.
Hagplist. aud S. Rydreck, Hector, baling
press; ID. w. Lewis. Albert Lea, clip for
harness; J. Righy, Minneapolis, securing
tires; also one for die for forping a wheels;
also Tor making ear wheels; Q, p. Waldo,
Minneapolis, extensible vehicle.
Wiseonsin-C. Blokek, Merrill. horse col
lar; w. II. Burdiek, Racine, steam boiler;
q. & q. G. Campbell. Milwaukee, water
valve; II. +. Crandall, Milwaukee, grain
binder; ID. NJ. Diekman. Racine, machine
for turing fabrics: J. Huebel, Marshfeld.
kitchen cabinet; w. Keppier, Juda, shoe
fastener. also for -button-setting tool; J.. b.
Letsehaw, Durand, track raiser; f. {. Pes
lyn, Nandyne. crate; ". d. Stewart. Merrill.
thill coupling. Dakota-F. NJ. Neif. HUI
ron, eompositor's frame; NJ. b. Runyon,
Fort Buiord, picket pin.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Gen. McC1ernand Will Fight
Death.
From the New York Herald.

From the New York Herald.
Gen. McClerDand, of Illinois, isa
fighter. Although well up in the sev.
entities, be is still as full of pluck as hs
was during the stormiest days Of tbs
rebellion. A few weeks ago one Of ths
Generals old army chums died at his
home at Springfield A meeting to
draft suitable resolutions of respeetto
his memory was attended by a num-
Der OF his friends, among them Gen.
MeClernand. One of the speakers, Id
eulogizing tie deceased, said: stAnd
so when death came to claim him ioF
its victim he met it as peacefully and
calmly as the warrior who wraps ths
drapery OF his couch about him and
lies down to pleasant dreams"
After the meeting adjourned the
subject of their conversation was the
immutable fate of all men and the
calmness with which their deceased
friend had met the grim destroyer.
That's the weak point in bis char
acter. That's something | never liked
in him." said Gen. McClernand, angrt
ly.
The generals companions Wilson's
surprise asked, "VNhy not, general7p
Because" said the veteran ola
hundred battles, "I don't like this
business OF meeting death calmly. !
have no respect for any man who does
that. When death comes to me Id
fight him sir-I1n fight him to the last.
/ don't want any lying down to pleas
ant dreams in mine. Death can't con.
quer me without a struggle"
The look and tone that accompan-
led the words satisfied the generals
hearers that he would act as he had
said.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
The Cap Fitted Her.

DIR. John Radcliffe was in his DAY
the most famous physician in Eng
land. He numbered kings and queens
among his patients, and receives
enormous fees. But he was fond o.
the bottle, and, as one writer says;
was "oftenfound in an over-stimulasea
condition"
Summoned one evening to a lazy
patient, he found himself too much 10
ebriated to count her pulse, . =
muttered, Drunk dead drunk ana
hastened homeward. ]
The next morning, while experiene.
ing intense modification ovef tnd
recollection, he received q note from
the same patient, in which she sala
that she knew only toe well her Own
condition when he called, and beseea
him to keep the matter secret.
She enclosed a hundred-pound nov
more, probably, as a bride to =.
lence him, then out of appreciation 9
the skill which she attributed TO nnh
In understanding her case.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
The Ra iIroaa commIs.lonsrs and the Manitoba
Managers.

The Minnesota railroad commissioner
have addressed ~ letter to General Mana
ger MARVEL, OF the st. Paul, Minneapolis &
Manitoba railway company, concerning
the recent accident at st. Anthony Park.
The letter ii as follows:
The attention Of the commission is called
to the report OF a sad accident saidto have
occurred on theline OF your road at ST. An
thony Park, whereby Clara Lindmeyer lost
her life. We are informed in this connec-
ton that there are several trains run
on that line which do not stop at that sta
ton, but they are run past it at almost, IL
not quite, the usual rate OF speed which. II
true, seems to the commission to border
onr ecklessness OF human life. We should
like to near from you as to the exact cir
c~umstances attending the accident-which
OF course, you have, or viii at nee ascer-
tain with care and certainty, though the
coroner OF the county has decided that no
inquiry on his part is called for-as wen as
what precautionary measures, il any, your
company may ave in contemplation to
prevent the occurrence of similar accidents
in the future.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1887-05-12
Men who Saved the Union.

/. Colonel Dom Piatt's new book,
Memories OF Men Who Saved the Tn
ion," excites lively attention. HE
FIVE heroes are Lincoln, Stanton, Chase,
Seward and General George ID. ThoTr
as. He makes it very clear to he
readers why he does not add to bis
military list. The reasons Ior MS
omission OF various well known Ianes
are likely to receive a general BON
bardment from hero worshipers.
Whatever view may be taken OF his
failure to bestow praises where ne
does not think them due, there viii q
a general agreement among the frieisas
and admirers OF General Thomas thai
quite aside from any comparisons
which Colonel Piatt institutes, ne hss
produced the most worthy tribute 70
that great soldier which has yet ap.
peared. While he presents new and
most interesting pictures OF each o.
his characters, his chapter on Ihon'as
is the masterpiece ofthe book. Every
friend of Thomas will cordially thank
the author. ALI who watchthe course
OF pending controversies over u var
history will await with interest the
stir which the volume is sure 10 make