The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1887-09-10
Select Storp.
A MIDDLE AGED CHERUB.

From Belgrdpid.
am at my wits end As l write, my
case of razors is open before me; the bright
blades, undimmed, alas and undulled by
use, virgin as they came from the cutler S
forge, lie ready to my hand; but my hand
shrinks from the last, the desperate stroke.
At 45, health, money, a wife, children
Though against them l well may bear a
grudge), even, may say, honor and an
unblemished reputation, are not things to
be abandoned without struggle. Yet life
and all the rest are embitteFod to me by
one misfortune, which no efforts have en-
abled me to overcome, no stoicism has
availed to disregard; and, had the cour-
age, priest as | am, l would strike the blow,
and suicide should drop the merciful cur
tain upon the pitiful farce of my existence.
Let me see if penning the tale of my woes
will nerve my hand to end them.
Yet the tale will but move the world to
laughter. My wife has long pooh.poohed
me and urged me "not to think of it" as
we'll urge the eel not to think of skinning,
or the fugitive cur to disregard the kettle
tied to his tail. But then she is supported
by the courage and good deal of the ap-
pearance of grenadier.
Old friends speak sympathizingly and
say, "Well, old fellow, I wish had half
your complaint But some men never are
satisfied" All | know their tones Of re-
sFsf and envy arc are mere iis modsssy; safe IL
the possession of gray hairs and gouty toes,
they know they can trife with me as they
please.
1 can scarcely bear to divulge my secret
to those who do not know me and it, but
must My curse is this. /, man of
IS, husband, the father Of great lout
of lad and a gawky- girl, priest in holy
orders and bachelor of divinity, have the
face, the figure, the voice, and the carriage
of a cherry checked boy of IA. Ab you
may laugh, but none can know what l en-
dure till they have tried it. Just consider
| look like nice, healthy, lower school
boy. My cheeks are pink and smooth; my
hair is yellow and rough and plenty of it;
my waist is slim, my back is fiat; I walk
with sprlngy step at times involuntarily
I run, and l believe l still could beat any
alto in my old school choir.
1t was not till after l left Oxford that l
became conscious of my affiiction. At
college many Of us do like boys, and act
like boys too. My post was naturally the
pleasant one of cox of the college eight, and
although raftmen and bargees guftawed
privily when came down to the boats,
and little boys from the towpath mimicked
my shrill, imperative voice, still / was
petted and popular, as cox is by virtue Of
his Office, and | was happy. They carried
me shoulder high round the quad and
placed me on the table at twines" to pipe
my treble songs, and, if I felt like tit
mouse beside the giants of my crew, I was
but fulfilling my steeFsman's mission.
Those, indeed, were golden days. But
from the time | announced a determine
tion to take orders, trouble grew up around
me. Tutors said they doubted if should
have "enough influence" clergymen, to
whom I applied for title, seemed skepti-
cal of my seriousness" and when l called
on the examining chaplain to the bishop of
my choice and explained the object of my
visit, the good man looked puzzled, but
smiled kindly and asked with a surtout
point de zele air if I didn't think l had
better not have troubled to come to him
till was within more measurable distance
of the earliest age for ordination, And at
that moment / was "a.
At that time, indeed, I knew I looked
boyish; but then l often felt boyish, and
not being a vain peacock, gave little
critical study to my appearance; vanity is
not my besetting sin, and in those days |
did not stare gloomily in the glass for the
purpose of detecting some hope, some
promise Of age, or, indeed, for any other
purpose. Though below the middle height,
| am not dwarf, and as yet the awful
conviction of the truth had not forced it
self upon me. / did not know how child
like front presented Atlast, however,
obtained curaey in parish, where we
had fine old church, considerable choir,
and several other cHrates, and, finding my
vicar kindly, and his wife positively affec-
tionate, / settled down to my work aud
looked forward to happy and beneacent
life. Within a week my hopes were
crushed. There befell me calamity which
has left me ever since blighted and dis
pirited being.
l had but just been ordained, and l was
very full of the solemnity and the dignity
of my new position. We had just finished
a wedding in humble life, and about half
an hour was to elapse before mathis. l
had taken subordinate part in indissolu-
bly, yoking a bashful country lass to very
bemused looking gaby from the plow tail,
and was waiting in my surplice for the
service in which | was, so to speak, to
make "Hrst appearance. The weather
was hot, and l laid aside my stole and hood
for a while; for / was as proud and careful
Of their untarnished rustling glory as
mother Of her first born; and | stood at
the vestry door chatting to my vicar and
two Of my fellow curates, who were making |
their mystical toilet within. On sudden |
heard a very sweet girls voice saying,