Wessington Springs herald. (Wessington Springs, Aurora County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1891, 1887-01-14
The Smifkinses' Remedy.

Pere and Mere Smifkins and Smifkinses
six have been, rs family, noted for their
jollity and unanimity, but of la.e things
arisen, and the family pelce has Sorrow
fally wendell her way to the Common
Council, from whose convocations she has
long absented herself. In short, tue Sniff
kin SEES have Ell hit double back-action, liver
padded, hand colds, warranted to
keep in damp climate.
Mrs. Smifkius first fell victim, some
three weeks ago; but the family, recalling
the woman and mother she once had been,
and bound to her by many years. ties of
ende0rment, spared her wretched life, bore
with her, and were bored by her. Next,
Mr.. Smifkins succambed, and the children,
with gnawing pain, beheld the widening
chasm between theirerstwhile devoted par
ents. But, one after another, all felt the
demons sway.
A suit for divorce seemed imminent.
The family treasury became deplenished
Isoothins syrups,. potash, quinine, cough
lozenges, handkerchiefs, laundry bills,
etc., etc.,. The night season was passed
in grooming and coughing, nature's sweet
restorer, balmy sleep, having closed q
contract with the patrons OF a State lee
turer, and conversation was limited to in
quiri,s for that old silk handkerchief of
mine, requests for slices of salt pork, and
the discussion of untried remedies. she IS
ended in snuffles. Miss Hortensia Smit-
kins quarreled with her lover; Mr.. Horatia
Smi. kin, was discarded by his lady love
! (sneezed plumb in her face while saving
! that life had been miserable existence
before lie knew her): the younger ones
! STAYED home from school and made each
I<>tl~
and the servant gave warning. 10 sum it
q thing of the past, and family harm ny
was lost in an octavial shuttle.
However, the other evening, the eldest
Smifkns, with beaming lace, triumph
antly produced bottle of catarrh snuff,
warran ed to give immediate relief iu the
most aggravated and nggsavating cases,
and to cause no sneezing. He applied
some to his nose-which had blazed like a
beacon light for days-and sat down to
peruse the evening paper, when sud-
denly such q sneeZe rent the
air as startled the entire family
and set all the gully consciences OF the
neighborhood quaking. Then began race
OF sneezes, ole treading upon nnothers
heels in mad haste. The family gave it
self up to hdmiring attention, and q small
Sniff Ains was set apart 10 tally. Up to
twenty-seven they were regular rs heart
beats. deep drawn as lovers signs, weak
ening as puns. Alter that, Smifkins junior
lay back in his armchair, breathless, per.
spring, his fuce OF q vivid magenta hue.
However, af er a period Of rest, he as
serted that it had lelped him. so one by
one they filed mp, bravely administ, red the
snuff, dropped into chairs, AMI BEGAN
fus.llale of sneezes such as has never be-
fore been equaled in this town, causing
the druggist on the corner, WHO sold him
the non sneeze- inducing snuff, to quake in
his boots-for the Smlfkenses are stall
wart family. The youngest Smi kins, in
the hurry Of events, had but half of lis
nasal organ supplied, but having requested
IS more lur his other nose" was satisfied.
Supper was much delayed, but the FAM
lily was lollier than it has been for some
weeks. One of the Toys propounded: If
one finger of non Inducing
catarrh snuff will produce twenty seven
and a half sneeZes i'll five minutes, how
much time and how much snuff II it take
to snee-e Oft the heads Of family of if
teen?"
Well, suffice it to say, Mr.. and Mrs.
SmifKins are reunited, the servant says
nothing more about LAWN the place. Miss
Hort nSia's Nile-.re aud lavender COM
plcAlOu NI0liISA' lib ACouuou no i1OI0.
time ose and lily hue, Mr.. Horatia Smif-
kins' heart and purse are light Just bought
a fine solitaire for i is adored, the CT ildren
are again to Ee found in wisdom ways,
and peace has again deserted the Common
Council.
The compounder of that catarrh snuff
may obtain from this Off e, at any time, an
open letter asserting: "kestoration to life,
health. and happiness by the use Of"
die? No, she fingered" ETC., or on the
aHectonats order: "Dear Doctor, 1 can
nerer exp,ess," or the severely business
like: "This is to certify, etc. Please send
me a dozen bottles. In any of these styles
it will be signed by the entire Smifkins
and will attest TO the merit of
the non-sneeze-inducing catarrh snuff,
with Int one reserve corpse" that to put
it mildly-it does predispose ono toto
n004Zq~