Roseburg review. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 1885-1920, 1887-01-14
HOW TO TREAT INGERSoLL.

HOW TO TREAT ING ERSOLL.
The following question having been
submitted to college professor, he re-
piled in the Albany Journal, from
which we quote:
Dear Professor: Are not Ingersoll's
unanswerahlel What are
you going to do about itl
SEVERAL STUDENTS.
So you are out half dollar apiece,
are youl No, no; cannot answer him.
Boys, | recall the incident in nv
eager and impetuous youth of wasting
a pound and half of bird-shot on a
small owl I followed him from tree
to tree, and shot away as much as
hatful of feathers, and when he died
Of fatigue ] found that his body was
about as large as robins and | could
put it to no earthly use He was
deceptive target If understand the
gentlemen from Peoria, he wishes to
liberate youth from the incubus and
thraldom of superstition, That deves
tating influence of the country clergy
man of $500 per annum and dona-
ton is what worries Robert, and ne
proposes to cure it and eradicate it for
the trifing pittance of $3.50 per lee
ture. Fbr so cents he proposes to lib
crate your mind from that influence
which filtered into it from the tremb
ling lips of your mother, and free you
from the chains of superstitions loaded
upon your sonl by the rough but low
ing hand of your father. Of course
he worries about you mora than those
old fogies did-for 80 cents.
You look around you in the city
here and you discover several millions
of dollars invested in hospitals, semi
narios, asylums, forced on the suffer
ing community by this same mythical,
miraculous, and superstitious Incubus
of religion. You ask the gentlemen
from Peoria where his little public in
stitutions are, founded by his peculiar
teaching, and he says in an absent
minded manner, Fifty cents at the
door.
Boys, you see sometimes a poor
mans little funeral procession, with a
democratic wagon and little coffin
SO small you could carry it under
your arm. A poor couple walk be-
hind it with breaking hearts. Their
baby is in the little coffin. 1t was
their ALL Their . hearts are kroken.
Oh, if we only had Bob there to tell
them about liberty and myths and
miracles-fcr fifty cents-hew it
would cheer them up.
But you say "there are many inf
dels." Boys, you are mistaken. An
infdel is an abnormal growth, and
nature feels funny once in while, Gre
ates freak, e. g.; the living skeleton;
the fat woman; the two headed girl.
So there is about one infdcl to mil
lion sane men.
The most of these noisy fellows are
amateur infdels. They talk Ingersoll
in fair weather and pray themselves
hoarse every time it thunders. A
well-deyeloped case of cholera morbus
will knock their infdelity out of them
and leave them in cold sweat like a
china dog in an ice house. | know
them The most of them are like the
boy who runs away from home and
comes back to stay with father nights.
Then, again, boys, take a look
around you when you invest another
fifty cents in liberty, and compare the
crowd with the kind Of people you
find IN almost any church. It is the
order of sanctity you smelll Hardly,
boys, hardly. Bat you can eat pea
nuts there, and choke on the shells,
while you applaud the funny jokes
about the heaven where you know in
your hearts you hope your mother is,
OF hear the humble Nazarene ridi-
culed, who, you think, and always
will think, gave home to your weary
old father when he left the earth.
Yes, boys, his arguments are unan-
swerable, and / think the seasons will
come along and the churches will con-
tinue to bloom, and all nature will
most exasperatingly and camly per.
form her functions, if Robert is not an
swered. You know when the first
steamer crossed the Atlantic great
philosopher was delivering a most
conclusive argument to prove that by
no possibility could a steam vessel
cross the ocean, and that provoking
steamer came snorting and sizzling
and spurgling right into the harbor,
Boys, SO viii Gods foolish children
go right on praying and preaching and
dying and going to heaven in spite of
argument.-St. Louis Advocate.
-->~>e--~-AR~s--