The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1887-09-10
The Paragrapher and Machine Poet.


trician: 4" Pm going home to dynamo
Boston Transcript.
! If you happen TO see small boy chasing
q humble bee you will know when he yel!s
thar he has caught Il.
Young Blobson has named his canoe
William Henry Harrison because lis a
tippy canoe.--BmliHgton Free Press.
If the Queen confers upon Red SHIRT
the order OF the Bath, won't ii have ten
dency to take the color out Of him ?-Pucs.
Forakers mouth isn't quite as dangerous
as the toy tirecracker, but 1t seems TO go uil
with more HILARIOUS baug.-FhtLadelpdtd
| Times.
An Austin dispatch says: "To day has
been a Waterloo to the Prohibitionists."
1t looks like whiskyloo.-PCrtlaRd Id.
UertiSer.
Nearly everything that has avoirdupois
is weighed on scales, except anchors--they
are weighed on ship --ChdrleSt0pn
Enterprise.
The tramp ought to cease grumbllng
He can not complain Of being cast on the
mercies of "a cold world this summer
Syracuse Herald.
| When you see poor actor standing be.
tween two good actors il reminds you for
chilly of bad "ham" sandwich.--ChdrLes
to,on Enterprise.
In weeks time the earth travels over
100000 miles. Fortunately there are 10
wooden bridges on the line.--NOrC!ch
(Conn) Bulletin.
We don't quite understand how steam.
| nj nt ig. al al M
Like the dude he's most always on the
ow.--DalHth Pardgrapcr
Water is supposed to be as cheap and
as plentiful rs dirt, yet jewe!er has 10
computation in charging dollar for L
handspring, -CdaylestoCa Enterprise
There is man In Pittsburg named Whe-
Ian who lives ON crude petroleum. He Is
the only rival the Standard Oil Company
has not yet crushed.-Chicago Tribune.
Ferdinand says he is Prince of Bulgaria
shy tho grace of God" But if he remains
Prince of Bulgaria it will be by the grace
Of the Car of Russia.-Scraat0n RepuJti.
can.
A proposed New Hampshire law torbids
person to have more than ten pounds Of
brook trout in his possession at one time.
As a rule the Law would not be violated
LOweN Courier.
A strange story of youthful depravity
comes from Blutfton, Ohio, where there is
a brass band, the Oldest member OF which
is but Is and the youngest but years old.
-BDaIo Express.
Never ask gi,l If she believes in love
in cottage unless you can show her a
nIA =, Cd tpt hn Attn , hpN vel
to have the deed with you and show 1t as a
curiosi:y,-LouisciHe Democrat.
Duluths aspiring young attorneys are
trying to secure homes on Beach street
Several Of them, as well as q number of
other citizens, are also industriously drink
ing Congress water.-Erchange
What is the sound so deep and strong,
That seems the skies TO burst?
What great event so moves the throng p
| MCGinnis is out at first.
-|VashtRgtOn Cyitic
A church member in Oakland was re-
buked for doing real estate transaction
Sunday. He excused himself by saying
that if land, like bread, will rise Sunday,
1t must have attention.-San FrdaciSc0
Alta.
If a man and wife are one flesh no won.
der it is such painful operation for them
to get divorced And, by t.e way, that re.
minds us that divorces should only be
granted on'Twos-day.-CHarleSt0on Enter
prlSG
People in Kansas who migrated from
Illinois have formed society which they
coll the Sucker Association. Its not until
an Illinois man settles down in Kansas that
he discovers what a thorough sucker he
really is
An indian who got drunk in New York
wanted 60 fight the entire city This shows
not only the refining effect OF civilization
upon the Indian, but also the miserable
brand Of liquor sold in that p!ace.--Phita-
deIphia ChrOatcie.
II is singular phase of human nature
that when man gives his wife dime to
buy box Of hairpins or a gum ring for
the baby it looks about seven times as biz
as when be planks it down for bitters-
Shoe md Ledther Reute,o.
Nine hundred women in Iowa own and
manage farms. This is in addition 10 the
much larger number that own and manage
farmers. WOman's sphere since bustles
btSdn " COille InlD iisLlOD HAS DeeB IeGlly
enlarged.--Pe0ria Transcript.
She may dress in silk or may dress in
satin,
May know the languages, Greek and Latin,
May know fine art, may love and sigh,
But she amt no good is she can't make
ple.--NercbQnt Trdre,er.
A Georgia paper says that Mr. Wheeler
of Hancock county, cut a Watermelon q
few days ago, and when opened it displayed
q distinctly formed "w' on both halves
This must have been one of the melons
that will "w" up.-NOrristo0n Haul&.
A practical joker, who was probably an
idle man, noticed that on certain day ct
the week a pudding was placed on the
ledge of window TO cool, and when the
pudding was due invested in bean blower
and box of Mandrake pills Sitting al
toe windOw he blew the pudding full Of
pills, Puddings are no longer exposed or
that back window
When blooming In the garden beds,
The flowers eyhale their sweet perfume
And man his thiunest tlannels sheds,
The dog his summer pants assumes.
-RoSt0u E1urJey,