Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1887-12-22
THE LIME KILN CLUB
LISTENS TO PROF. HIMYL-A THOMP-
SONS LECTURE ON POVERTY.

The Noted Orator Talks About the joys
of an Humble Life-He Digresses Now
and Then-Great Applaus.---A Brief
Interview.
As the meeting was about to open in due
and ancient FORM Elder Toots was observed
reclining against the back end Of the stove in
an affectionate manner, Trustee Pullback was
pairing down an old corn with a razor,
Samuel Shin was pulling rag through one
OF the holes in a tin dipper, and Harmony
Smith was earnestly seeking for a quid of
pitch he had stuck on one of the window
castings at the last meeting. Brother Gard
ner took the chair in his usual dignifed man.
ner, ordered the triangle to be gently sounded,
and said:
'It ar my painful dooty to inform dis club
dat Professor Himyla Thompson, of South
Carolina, has bin hangin aroun' Detroit fur
de las three DAYS
''He aroove heah to address US on de sub
jick of DE Joys of Poverty an has bin
maxim my cabin his home. At home he am
known as de great Southern orator. From
what hev seen of him heah am satisfied
dat he has de biggest appetite of any man 1
eber saw He Gums recommended as hevin'
jaws of an alligator, paid two outlawed
debts an voted fo' times in de same county
on one leckshun day We will bring him in
an listen to his remarks wild fewent atten-
shun.n
Professor Thompson soon appeared in the
hands of the reception committee, and after
being escorted to the platform and given a
general introduction, he removed his shoes to
give his heels fair play, and began:
my frens, what ar poverty! Poverty is
de fackt dat you hain't got muffin, never ex-
pect to hev, and nebber will hey. A millyon-
aire am not poverty stricken. Why? Kase
he's got sunthin. l see befo' me dis eavenin'
many millyonaires. De sight does me good.
I doan' blame you a bit fur bein' rich.
[Cheersl
'My frens, dis world has passed frew seb-
eral different aiges. Oar was de drift aige,
de water aige, de stone aige, de iron aige, an
seberal odder aiges which hev done forgot.
Let us not repine kase we wasn't BON in some
Of de odder aiges. Dis aige am good 'nuff
fur us. [Subdued sensationl
"My frens, Columbus was a remarkable
man He wanted to sot out and disEiber
America long befo' he did, but de sheriff
wouldn't let him. Colur-bus knowed all de
time whar' America was, an how badly she
wanted to be diskibered, but he couldn't
come. We mus not lay up any hardness
agin him. He got away as soon as possible,
an if he hadn't arove whar' would we be
now? [Applause, during which Whalebone
Howker swallowed silver quarter.l
'My frens, reckon you hev all heard
about de pyramids of Egypt. Dey is a great
sight, speShually on a moonlight night. 1t
ar too bad dat dis kentry can't hev pyramids,
1,r,&rr e,rrf% olo l. Io.1
didn't have water mellyons we might hev
pyramids, but we can't have boat More
sensation, during which Lincoln johnson
was hit on the head with potato1
"My frens, 1 s'pose you know dis kentry
was once occupied by the Injuns? You
couldn't stir out doahs widout meetin' one.
Dey owned all de land, an dey fit an fit
befo' de white man could git it away from
'en. Right in dis city ibed a great chief
p4med Pontiac. He'd fight anybody or any
ching, an he alters cum out fust best
Rounds of applause, during which some
plaster fell DOWN.
"My frens, if you could stand on the aige
of de great Sahara desert you would be as
tonished. You could look fur miles an miles
an see nuffins but sand-de very best kind of
bird sand. II any of you am thinkin' of
gwine dar' l hope you'll give it up. [Cries
of "Hear, hearr'l
''My frens, a steambote 'sploshun am a
VERY solemn affair. You is gwine along all
right an you is about to pass de odder boat
an win de race, when dar am boom bangI
an away you go. Somebody ar allus killed
or hurt, an dat's why it ar so solemn. hev
heard men say dey jist as lief be blowed up
as not, but didn't believe um- 1t soils de
clothes, scatters grease all around, an you
an quite sartin to git inter New Orleans two
days late. GCat calls and stamping, with
Elder Toots hunting for his lost hat.l
"My frens, cum awful nigh bein' in dat
Charleston airthquake. I war down in New
Orleans at de time, but war arranging to
go to Charleston de mex week Nebber fule
wild an airthquake Dey will knock you out
cherry day in de week. While on dis sub
jeck I would make few remarks on cy-
clones, which ar almoas as bad as airth-
quakes, but time forbids Hopin' dat hev
conclusively proven to you dat poverty has
its joys as well as sorrows, an thanlxin' you
for your abstemious attenshin to my over
1owin' address, will now leave you to your
own guilty rehexshuns. l shall make de
cabin Of your beloved president my home for
de next two weeks, an sich of you as desiah
to consult me on removin warts an moles
widout pain, an fur de triflin' sum of fifteen
cents each, will know whar' to find me. Pro
bono digitalis jacetl
A whirlwind of applause followed the pro-
fessor as he left the lodge room, and when
the door had closed behind him Col. Persim-
mons Whyte arose and asked:
'tMisser President, was dat an address!n
81 s'pect it war, sah," replied Brother
Gardner
'Was it about de joys of povertyF
'Dats what he said"
"An' am be gwine to put in two noah
weeks heahFn
mot if dis char knows hisselfl 1t ar evil
dent to me dat de professor ar travelin'
humbug. war lookin' all frew his speech
fur dose joys, but not one of 'em showed up.
De committee on de scientific disposishun of
humbugs, wild Giveadam Jones at DER head,
had better hold brief interview wild de
gem'lan from South Carolina"
The three lusty members referred to alb
sented themselves from hs room, and in a
few minutes shouts of "MurderI" "FireI"
and "Pohcer' seemed to come from several
directions ut once There were three dis
tinct thuds on the alley stairs, sound from
the alley as if a pumpkin had been flung
from the roof of a horse barn into mud
puddle, and then all was still-all except a
few sounds Indicating that five foot man
was trying to bust his way through a seven
foot fence and didn't care how many boards
he knocked off.-Detroit Free Press.
Overpressure In the Schools.
4 PASSING fO the main orac+iO,, o,,a,rroer,,,.o