Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-06-23
WIT AND HUMOR.

years, and his business friends are
watching him closely.-Puck.
The word s'jugulate" has become
current in Western journalism. Po-
licemen are more apt to jug-you-late
than any other class of men.-NeW
Haven NeaCs.
An exchange has an article on 1.-The
Rise and Fall of the Poet" One i'm
portant point is omitted, however, and
that is the length of the stairs.-Bur-
langto7a Free Press.
whats the trouble here, Mickey"
Don't you know? There's street
car tie-up." go, see. That's why so
many people are standing around in
knots. Philadelphia Call.
Young wife-I took great pains with
that cucumber salad, John, and / hope
you enjoyed it. Husband Cautiously
I'm afraid, my dear, that [ took
great pains with it, too.-New York
SIN.
We don't question the statement
that George Washington never told
lie, but he certainly was never asked
by fond mother what he thought of
her cute little baby. = Washington
Critic.
go, Ella" said Clara, 81 think Lily
and her beau have quarreled." why"
replied Ella, ''what makes you think
SOP" "Well, her parlor has been bril-
liantly lit every evening lately. "-NeO
York Sam.
Mrs. Brown How elegantly that
dress fits you! What q pity the ma
for1a1 &c nhnaYI hrs Innnc Tho
goods in your dress are really superb
What pity it doesn't fit you.-Hdr-
per'S Bazaar.
Some of the tip-top in society say
1.-THE low-necked dress must 60"
They will please say which way it
must 90, in time to warn those who
wish to take to the woods before it
goes lower.-NeeO Orleans Pic0yat1ae.
Hark! What's that? That? That's
brass band. What are they out for
tonight, | wonder? Out to get the
air, of course. And, by the way, I
should think from the sound that they
hadn't found it yet.-LoaoeU Citizen.
Only girl who has run typewriter
at 81 per week and finally marries her
employer can enter a dry-goods store
and paralyze q lady clerk receiving Sc
per week. It's no use for million
aires wife to try it. = Detroit Free
Press.
How is it 1 find you in prison, my
man?" sit was mistake, sir, that
brought me here-indeed, / might say
blunder." "How SOP" Il only stole
thousand dollars when / could just
as easily have taken $780, Pitts
burg Dispatch.
A book agent who invaded the King
dom of King M'wanga of Africa was
captured by order of his Majesty and
CHARTERED into seventeen pieces. The
agent was selling fashion magazine,
and the King has 1000 wives.-Norris-
toaU7a Herald.
Wife of a rich rural Californian at
her first grand dinner. The Colonel
offers his arm: 81 am to have the
pleasure of taking you out to dinner,
Mrs. A" Rich rural wife: go long
with you; my husband is here; take
your own wife outn'-Puck.
go, Charley" she exclaimed, ''what
beautiful arbutus! and did you really
pick them YOURSELF" Yeds," said
Charley, Il bickkd 'em bvsef, BECAUSE
[ thaughed you'd PRICE 'em bore than
if | boughd 'em adj (chew-hasp-k'-
chem! eggschuge bed fioridt's. "-Nea0
York San.
Lily Secretary of the cooking class)
Now, girls, we've learned nine cakes,
two kinds OF angel food and seven
pies. What next? Susie (engaged)-
Dicks father says | must learn to bake
bread. Indignant chorus = Bread?
Absurd! What are bakers for?- Pits
burg Bulletin.
Texan-Yes, mebbe you wouldn't
think it, but / made my pile out
of watered stock. Newly orker I
shouldn't Judge so from your appear
ance. Texan-No, perhaps not; but
you can't expect to make much out of
the creeturs if you let em go thirsty.
-Nea0 HaUen NeaCs.
A crowded horse-car. Enter Mrs.
Mulcahey, with JUG. Mr.. Mahoney,
who is seated, facetiously : Wud [
hould the whisky fur yez, Mistress
Mulcahey? Mrs. M. with whitening
sarcasm) Thank yez kindly, sor, but
We have all We can hould now, I'm
thinking.-Atbany Argats.
''Have you Hours of Idleness' hereP"
tuS Iutl(lSu dShStl. DIS Sic SdunIcGeu III
to the secondhand book store. mo,
we haven't miss" said the youth be-
hind the counter. s'The boss is an old
sl1lnfiint, and when we amt doing any
business he keeps us busting the
books. Boston Courier.
'sAh! what's thisp" exclaimed the
intelligent compositor. "'Sermons in
stones, books in the running brooks?'
That can't be right. l have it! He
means Sermons in books, stones in the
running brooks. That's sense" And
that is how the writer found it. And
yet he was not happy.-Boston Tran
script
Two laborers met upon street cor
ner and one of them with kindly in
terest said: "How are you doing, Pat?"
80, finely, man; never did better in
my life" What are you working at?"
80, I'm a real-estate conveyancer."
And what in honor's name is thatp"