Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

-OOoGOW OU@GCtC.
Brown (soliloquizing at 2 a. NIL
wish all worsh in the English languish
wusspelt wish an ''sh" itshssshomuch
easier to shay Gd-Bits.
A widow may not be much of a
gardener, but she always has AN idea
that she can raise orange blossoms from
weeds. Fail RjUer AdUance.
$50 you think you could love Evan
geline?" 'Love her? / could love
her even if she were my wife. "-NeW
York Sun.
Some physicians say disease is trans
mitted by kissing. Heart-disease is,
and the only remedy is matrimony.
PHILADELPHIA Call.
1t is believed that when the millen-
mum is due the last parties to join in
the universal peace will be the rail
roads. -PhitadeLph5a Inquirer.
When an embezzler skips from
Chicago for Canada by water they
speak of his departure as clearing
out sail. Burlington Free Press.
IAN eel can live out of water for at
least eighteen days" A Kentucky
Colonel can live without water for a
whole lifetime. -KentucLy State Jour-
nal
Women are frightful gossips, we
know, but if they were not their hus-
bands would miss a great deal of en-
tertaining information about the neigh
bors.--Jomrmat Of Education.
Hubby, dear, / always feel so ap-
prehensiye when you 90 out shooting"
t'But, my dear girl, what harm can
betide me?" mot you, but the poor
keepers. y Wiener UJzt6Jatt.
Brown-''I detest that fellow Grape"
Jones ''The undertaker?" Brown :
Eyes. He is all the time talking shop.
Ever time he meets me he asks after
my health. '-Nea0 York Mail,
You want to know the derivation of
the word gumption, do you, Eulalia?
very well; it is derived from gum and
shun, and girl who has gumption is
one who shuns gum. Chew see?-Pitts-
burg.
Gingseng- Congratulate me, father,
I'm going to be married" Gingseng's
father-''Do you think the lady will be
able to support you in the style you
have been accustomed?" -Pjttsbar9
Dispatch.
Higgins CLOVIS this, old boy; of
for the West? Thought you We're 90
ing to Europe" Virgins [ am:
via Pacific Ocean and Suez Canal. The
Atlantic'S getting too crowded for safe
travel. life.
First Kansas woman-E'I didn't see
you down at the caucus last night
Second Kansas Woman-''NO, couldn't
get away. John wasn't feeling well,
and | had to clear off the table and wash
the dishes. IT d-Bits.
A Philadelphia paper says there is
enough beer consumed III the United
States every year to float all the navies
in the world. That's nothing. Twenty
Schooners sometimes come out of one
keg. Washington Critic.
1t is little consolation for the man
who dives into his drawer for clean
shirt and finds one with the buttons of
to be told by his wife that she has been
busy all week sewing for some other
heathen.- Yonbers Statesman.
There is one comfort for editors in
the Interstate Commerce law, even
if their passes are taken away The
more the price of tickets is advanced
the greater the sum the editor will
save by Walking.-PeOriG Transcript.
An absent-minded Pittsburg preacher
remarked in eulogy from his pulpit
last Sunday that ''death loves a mining
shark Thereupon four stock brokers
and i man with Il brother in Colorado
got up and left the sacred building
I'a9cpcRdent.
First tramp-Now we've got tc
divide fair, Ike. Second tramplCert,
parti | amt had nothin to eat sence
FRIDAY, an yoU amt had no sleep feI
four nights. I'll take tn pullet an you
take the feathers an 90 over in that
air barn n enjoy yourself. Tid-Bits.
Bascomb Gust returned from Austria
lia-Well, sir, what would You say ii
told you had seen a snake out there
that measures forty feet in circumfer-
ence and ninety-three feet in length?
Darnley-I should y-er-that Aus
tralia does not produce good whisky
The Judge.
Suppose I shall see YOU at your
fathers funeral today?" said a friend
to young man of the period. NAV;
should like to DE there, but I'll be busy
IN court, opening succession and head
ing off mother in a will contest. See
you later if | succeed. "-Ncao Orleans
Picaytaae.
I'm out just$10 Ilent Jones that
amount month ago, and he went
crazy yesterday" Zones the actor?"
Yes. well, you stand better
show of getting your money now than
ever before. There's no telling what
form his insanity viii take" -Neag
York. Mail
You are very late, doctor" said the
sick man, feebly. L expected you an
hour ago. am afraid the, delay may
prove serious" Il am very sorry. re.
sponded the physician. but | got in
to an argument over the relative merits
of the old and new schools of medicine.
and couldn't get away. "-Nea0 York
San.
Maj. Kincaid (who just popped
I'm not so very old Miss Daisy