News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-02-03
A BATCH OF STRAY JOKES
GATHERED IN FROM ALL QUAR-
TIERS FOR ONE TO SMILE OVER.
FOiled In His Carerr-A Nice Occupation
Easy FnOugh-NO Impr rOvcment-Fam-
lily Gifts-Chinese FnshiOns-Odds and
Ends, Etc., Etc.
A JEWEL OF A MAID.

lAlCo ~ COLhC ldlt' SO LIZ AiA'bJ NM AACA
and the butterman is wild about her
and the butcher sometimes comes him
self to see that the meat is all right
Those advantages have not been los
upon the lady of the house, but she is
stickler for propriety. So, when tn
other morning, she found the butcher
boy kissing the pretty maid she wa
shocked. She wrote a note to tn
butcher and rold him if he couldn'
send a boy who behaved himself h
could take her name off his list of Gus
toners and she'd get her meat else
where. At breakfast they spoke abou
it.
"Well, mamma, you'd better write t.
the butterman, too. He kisses he
every morning." said the daughter o
the house.
"What? The butterman, tool"
Certainly. saw him yesterda!
morniny."
"Dear me! Well, I can't help it
He must Just do it, for I can't get as
good butter anywhere else.-SGn Fran
cisco Chronicle.
EASY ENOUGH TO TALK.
Grace and Teddy had grand fight {
few evenings ago. Grace took Ted's
Canton flannel elephant away from him
and wouldn't give it back. Ted ral al
his sister like a tow-headed fury, and
Grace gave him sounding slap on the
face. Ted's cries brought their mother
to the scene of action, and she carried
him off to bed, leaving the aggressol
Grace in possession of the field. Ted
explained matters to the ear of maternal
sympathy as he was being put to bed.
"Well, Grace was naughty" said the
mother, as she put on Ted's nightgown
'I'll have to talk to her about it; but
you must forgive her Teddy, and you
must pray for her, too" she added, as
Ted bumped down on his knees in his
usual devotional attitude.
"Just let me go down and give her
one good slap first like she gave me,
said Ted, wrathfully.
ooh, no, darling, go on with youl
prayers," said the mother, smoothing
his hair with her hand; ''the Bible says
we must pray for those who despitefully
use us"
"Mamma." asked Ted, earnestly, lift
ing his face, "mam ma, did you ever tr.
it 2''-Bos'o on Record.
CHINESE FASHIONS.
A Colorado stock raiser whose hal
was so long that it hung over his ears
looked disgusted when a waiter in tn
BRIGGS House dining room passed him .
pair OF sugar tgaz5s.. ----~-----------'-----
"What are these things fur ~ ht
asked, raising his eyes to the waiter.
"Sugar-tongs," replied the servant
Cliff your sugar out with them"
''N hats the matter with your fin
fers p
Nothing, I suppose. It's better
form to use the tongs, that's all"
''Well, to tell you the truth, stran
GER" replied the man from the West
1--WE are not much stuck on Chinese
fashions out our way. This new-fangleC
chop-stick business may be all right
here, but if the landlord doesn't care
I'll just use my fingers. y Chicago Her,
aid.
REWARD OF INDUSTRY.
Faithful Housewife: Mrs. Candour is
it? Dear me, l can't stop my sewing
now. Tell her I'm not at home
Bridget: Please, mum, I've been tellin'
so many you're not at home wish you'd
see some Nv 'em.
"Why, Bridget"
81 don't like the way they act; they
look at each other and snicker so."
"Mercy2 Do they suspect l am at
home"
mo mum, 1 wish they did. heard
one of em say they wouldn't like your
husband to know of the goings on"
"Heaven preserve US! What do they
mean?"
They think, mnm, your the worst
cad about in town. "-Iid-Bts.
THE PLURAL OF "GoosE."
He was in he tailor shop and he no
ticed 'goosen sitting on the stove.
He was a scholar, and it pleased him to
let his knowledge be known of all men.
"Our method of forming plurals is
rather remarkable" he said, after some
talk with the tailor.
Eyes, sir" replied the tailor, with
caution.
''Now, for instance" tapping the
''goose" with his cane, ''what would
70 call two of these -
ga pair of irons, of course" said the
tailor, and the scholars feelings were
so injured by the unexpectedness of the
reply that he walked right out of the
shop. = Washington Critic.
NO IMPROVEMENT.
Uncle Sam-Got a new idea, have
you
Naval Constructor-Yes, stree can
make you war vessel now that will
meet every requirement. It's modelled
after duck.
"Can it fly 2"
"WeIl, no; but it will sail like
duck"
"suppose a Canadian cruiser sees it
and shoots ?"
at will dive, just like a duck"
"Dive out of sight %
"Clear to the bottom"
"WelI, l dunno. Sounds nightly
like those we have now OMAHA
World.
FOILED.
A New YORK gentleman told his wife
and had to go to Florida. He had Just
taken his seat in the train to go to Mon
Lreal to have some fun at the winter
carnival with the Canadian girls, when
an elderly female took the seat opposite
TO him.
Will this invalid go to the carnival at
Not this trip, for he will return to the
bosom of his family, where picnic with
music and fireworks after dark has al
ready been arranged for his special
benefit; for the elderly female is his
Hife's mother. -IGrGS Settings.
JUVENILE ACERBITY.
cit hasn't developed much l see,
Orthur."
"What?"
"YOuah mustache."
"No, butt am much encouraged when
[ observe the slowness of growth in one
Of your pahsonal accessories.
"What's that"
"Your brain. - TF3- Bits.
TOO WET TO BE wRUNG OUT.
A young fellow who had been drink
ing just little, met friend when 1887
was an hour old.
'It was too bad the old year couldn't
be rung out, wasn't it e. he said.
"Why, how was that p
Don't you know Why, it was too
wet, W J. WorId,