Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-11-13
HOMESPUN PARAGRAPHS.
PATHS NERVE.


HOMESPUN PARAGRAPHS.
PATHS NERVE.
Nine. Patti has decided 10 learn to play
the banjo, and if at any time within the
next two months q man with disheveled
hair, q wild haunted look in his dark
ewes, buttons miSsing from his pants and
socks that wear o neglected appearance, is
found wondering simlessly around solitary
places in Europe, his name will probably
be Nieolini.
NO CONTRACTION THERE.
Heat expands and cold contracts, said
the Professor to his class in natural phil
osophy, and a few moments later he no
ticed one of the scholars at the lower end
of the class with q puzzled look on mis- face
scratching his head ~thoughtfully.
''Well. James" said the Professor,
whats troubling your"
The idea that cold contracts, !" slowly
replied James.
Don't you think il dOes?"
mot in the case of q tobobban slide,
that looks about fifteen feet long when you
2 o down and a mile long when you walk
back"
A POETS DISTRESS.
William Morris, a gentleman Of con-
siderable note, who lives in London and
writes poetry, is reported to be IN distress,
because the anarchists are to be hung. MIR.
Morris at this time probably has a better
idea than ever before of how his ~neighbors
feel when they read the announcement IN
the morning papers that he will soon pub
lish a new volume ofpetry. If his distress
keeps him awake nights he should come
over and trade jobs with one Of the anarch-
lists. 1t is hard to find anybody who can't
write poetry, but there are very few peo-
pie who know how to hang gracefully and
not work their toes and hump up thelr
shoulders during the performance
1T SURPRISED HIM.
The eoachman had asked the merchant
if he could marry his daughter and stood
tremblingly awaiting the old mans reply.
Pm surprised" said the old man at
last 81 like you first rate, John. l like
to have you about the house when you
change your clothes before you come in,
but that you should ask for the hand OF
my daughter surprises me-"
Don't you consider me honest and hon
orable ?" asked John.
Perfectly, " replied the merchant.
Don't you consider me good enough
for your daughter to marryP'
Yes"
Then what surprises you?"
l.Tl.E -. l.l,1k alnna with h1r -
IN BILL NYE's sTEAD.
A female cornet band has been organized
in Hudson, Wis. Ever since Bill Nye quit
that town the citizens have been low
spirited. and they have encouraged the or
ganizatiOn of the band to sort of fill the
aching void created by the departure Of
Mr.. Nye. They think this band will make
| them forget in a measure their great loss,
They think it will give them something to
think about during the long winter even
ings. They think the young ladies will
play on the comets and the comets viii
| play on their feelings. That they will b.
| compelled to laugh aud howl and shrek,
a good deal as they were wont to dc
when Mr.. Nye SAT in the corner grocery
/ anu lOll lutll NlOANNs uCy hAu ~
band wl!lsort of drive away the mOnOtony,
| They have the impression that it will have
about the same effect on them, whenever
they show up for practice. that a barrel o.
/ whiskey would, The band looks to the
| city for its chief means of support, and the
| city council have decided to employ it du'
ring the hot season to ward of cyclones
aud to protect the people against typhoid
fever, whooping cough, measles and othel
| epidemics. But this band has an enemy
ia the Woman's Christian Temperance
| Union.
why" did yOu say?
Because the members never go out Il
play for an evening without taking a horn
before they go.
Strange, isn't it?
SHORT DRESSES ANT BUsTLEs.
st. Paul mother to her thirteen-year,olC
daughter-Claude, what are you gettins
out your wraps for?
Claude-Pm going out this evening fol
a drive with Charley Smart.
But, my dear, you haven't asked my
consent yet"
81 know that"
Don't you know that you are not ole
enough to choose your own company anC
20 out evenings without consulting me
You must remember that you are not Out
of short dresses yet"
Il know, but l wear a hustle"
THE DOCTORS ADVICE.
INV dear fellow" said the doctor to his
patient, as he pressed his thumb on hi
pulse, what you need is more out door
exercise. You should take a ride every
day. What is your business?"
PATIENT drive a sprinkling cart.
INCONSISTENCY.
Smith, l don't see why the Mississippi
river is called the father of waters"
Why"
Because it is spelled Mississ Sippi."
AGREAT COUNTRY.
Sport-Montana is the greatest countr.
for sport l was ever in. III bet you ther,
are 10, 900 bloOded fighting cocks in tina
Territory.
Old Bum-Zay, Jim, let's go there.
'What for"
"Musht be a great place for cocktails
A PECULIAR REMINDER.
Miss Gosh, the belle of Bird Island, stoO'
beneath the wide-spreading branches of
sturdy oak that cast its shadow over tn
northeast corner Of her fathers broad past
ure. Her tiny foot tapped ccquettishly
little tuft of blue violets. A little way OF
Augustus ComstOek leaned on the bars, hi
chin resting on his hands and his eye
drinking in the charms OF Miss Gosh
beautiful face. The breezes toyed wit
her skirts and lifted them, displaying
pair of pretty ankles.
Her socks were red.
The glazing color caught the eye Of
nervous bovine of the male persussio
grazing near her, and with an angry roa
he lowered his head and charged straigh
al the t~antalizing hosiery. With a fright
ened scream the girl fell into George
: muscular arms, and he lifted her over tn
| bars inst in advance of the horns of til