Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1887-02-17
SOMETHING LIKE
What Ought TO Be Done TO Make Eyerybod,
Perfectly Happy.
L3udon Punch


London Punch
In the jubilee year money will be no
object. Tradesmen will give unlimited
credit, and will forget TO send in Their
little accounts. Farmers gill be so pleas.
ed with the weather that they will send
loads OF fowls and dairy produced into
the towns for free distribution among
the poor land 0thersl several times dur
ing the year. No inferior goods will be
sold anywhere; but all superior goods will
be sold at inferior prices. In the begin
ming of the year there will be a great
meeting of tradesmen, at which it will be
carried unanimously that no circulars Of
any kind be issued during 1887. The
taxes will continue to be levied but ii
viii be in the option of the citizen to de-
cline to pay them; his decision to be fin
al; 1887 will be a great year in the streets
There will be no bawling of nasty litera
ture in crowded thoroughfares. Every
wayfarer in the Strand will take his prop
er side; no umbrellas will be carried IN
der the arm and when two cabs come
in contact the drivers will beg each
others pardon. Perambulators will be
reduced in size, or n new way will be
found for giving children an airing
London howergirls will be under 10 years
Of age, and simmer in proportion
When you are paying your hotel bill the
waiter will remind you that attendance !;
included in it, and if you offer the rail
way porter a sixpence he will tell you
that it is against the rules. At the tele
graph offices the clerk will insist on athI
ing the stamp.
A great philanthropist will buy up the
stocks of the leading tobacconists and
distribute them among the deserving
| public; the 1885 Habanas to be reserved
for bachelors in chambers. At the VI
gent request of their husbands, wives viii
reluctantly order new bonnets; and wives
will persuade husbands to look in oftens.
at the club Your favorite seat at the
club will always be vacant when you wan'
| it; You will never forget which is YOU
coat; and if you think of game of BIZ
/ lizards there will be table open for
/ you.
Breach of promise cases will be things
/ of the past
The doctrine of the Socialists will be
that everybody Including Socialists
/ should work six days a week.
/ 1t will be year of unusual LITERARY
/ activity in a new direction. The price CT
society journals will go up to 3d., and no
/ body will think of paying the price
| There will not be q single new magazine
The publication of shining Dreadfus
will be entirely stopped, and no ChFl''
mas numbers will be issued earlier thal
/ October The editor of the Nineteensl
Century will accept contributions from
untitled persons. Biographers will mo-
write the memoirs of living men. Auto
/ biCgraphers viii discard all malice Au
/ thors will forget what log rolling" means
and amateurs will retire from the on'i
ness. "Paterfsmilias" and San Indignan
Matron" will cease writing to the Times
( and some opulent hunorist will buy ~
Punch and make comic journal OF u
( No more volumes of sermons will be PUG
/ lished by request of the writer's congff
/ CATION. Poets will let the jubilee yes
down easily. The novelist will give ma
\ riages of convenience, bigsmy, Frenea
quotations, and Goodvood a rest. lH'
4 interviewers will be taken to Londo-
Bridge on a moonless night, and dropPe-
over.