Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-10-21
wITTiCISMS.

London has n great problem. It has
J. OOO, 900 people unable TO get into place
of worship. In central London, with a
population Of 1000, 600, there are only
accommodations for 6OO, 900.
A cousin of John Brown died lately, and
Queen Victoria had the funeral delayed
two days until she eo6Id attend. Anglo
maniacs will tie their ears back with
mourning ribbon for two eeks.-PiiOt.
NO" said Mrs. Maguffiu, my hus-
hand isn't what you would call learned
man, but he is very ambitious to acquire
an education. Why, he attends primaries
almost every night-BOsiOn Transcript.
pig pens close to the well or close to
the house" says the Farmers Friend,
"mean death" You bet, death to the
pig. It's pretty hard 10 locate the pen so
as to change this fatal Specification, too
BuTdette.
Hostess-Mr. Levy, will you have some
pork?
Mr.. Levy-No, ma'am.
Hostess (confused) oh! forgot. Ex-
cuse me. John, get some cold ham for
Mr.. Levy.-ErehGRge.
What is the natter" asked lawyer
of his coachman, The horses are run
ming away, sir" Cant you pull them
up?" II am afraid not" Then" said
the lawyer, after judicial delay, run into
something cheap"
Husband (desperately)-Iife has no
longer any charms for me. IN kill my
sell I'll take poison. Wife pleasantly
Well, ii you DO take poison, my dear,
get the kind that's advertised Don't die
10 the house. "-PhiIddelphia Ne'rs
Eyes, ell the fellows are taking great
interest in our military organization, said
George to Clara ''I'ye got brand rev
arms
'well, George" said she, with a sigui.
ficant smile, ~ think you needed them. y
-EgchdRge.
Justice Lockemup-GOur fine is $50
Astonished Enthusiastically dollars!
For getting drunk? Justiee--NO; for get
ting caught. Hundreds Oi people gel
drunk every day and / don't fine 'em d
cent. Only fine those who get caught. -
BUfdettG.
One day little Emma'S mother reproyed
her quite shsIply tor changing her Shoes
After u moments reflection Emma said:
81 wish you would be- real. dOOd 10 me,
mamma. ] fink you wonld like it after
you got used to it.--Detroi Free Press.
Are there any ruins around here, Mr..
DaetylambleI?" asked the tourist. II
should say 50, =" replied the heart-broken
poet. Go down to the office OF the Weekly
throughout and see how they printed my
poem on The Dying Summer. -Bmdete
ibid your husband see his picture We
printed last Sunday ," asked the editor.
"Yes, he saw it. "
Just gave it Il cursory glance, | sup
pcse?"
mo, sir; he gave it cursory sweal
word. - Washington Critic.
Society women N ST. Paul wOuldn't
serve on a committee TO receive the Presi
dent with Senator Davis wife because she
was seamstress before her marriage
Sew That's pretty kind OF bias to show
in u republic, and it illustrates the seamy
side of society .-LOtCeH Courier.
A Hartford yOuugster goes to churcl
where the concluding amen of the parSon':
prayer is sung by the choir. The othel
night, after he had said his prayers, he pro
dueed harmoniCa from beneath his pill
low and astOnished his mother by blowing
blast where the amen came in, remark
ing: That's the way we 30 in church. y
Hartford COwGat.
Tommy's fathers business affairs cal
him from home early in the morning and
keep him until late at night. Recently
the old gentleman found it necessary tC
punish Tommy, and the hoy sought hi,
mother for consolation. why, whats
the matter, Tommy" she asked. 1.-THE
m-man that s-sleeps here nights
s.spanked me-" he sobbed.-ErchdRge.
1t is told about Dakota man that ht
has invented q machine to pump smoke
down a gopher hole, where il is expected
it will Kill the gopher. The only draw,
back seems to be that, while you are in
serting smoke into the hole the gopher
went into, he will come ont Of another and
whistle at you, and tell you he hns smoked
ever since he WAS 10 years old.
Surprised Citizen-''ISn't this General
CrotOu, the celebrated temperance orator.
Beamended Individual-"That's my (hic
g-gil) name, sir" Citizsn-"How did yOr
come to get in this disgraceful condition.
Beamended Northumberland sheyCn
teen bartendersh on Excuse me; thought
your foot was dog personally s'cureC
eyidensh this morn'n'. Macon 7eie.
graph
In color the Fiftieth Congress will he :
little mixed, as it will contain White
Brown and Grey. As to temper and dis
position there will be a great variety, a
one member is Gay, another Bland, an
other Crisp and another Wise. In The
matter Of provisions it will be we'll of, fol
il will have Oats, Rice, Bacon, HOgg anC
Berry, to say nothing of a large Cobb. One
member is Long aud another is Hale.