News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-12-15
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT THE HUMOROUS WRI-
TIERS HAVE TO TELL US.
Man-It was only in Fun-He was
Too Late-Up the Hudson, &C., &C.
IN GEORGIA.

from box)-Thank'e 'ee, deac'n. f I'd
knowed yer paid folks fer comm, I'd {
ben here afore.-Ifd Bits.
THE TELEPHONE CAT.
Though most of the cats on the backyard fenc
Belong to the lf-same choir,
And faithfully call and caterwall,
"Maria! Mariai Mariai'
There's one that shouts above all the rest,
At any hour that suits him best,
In a strangely human, familiar tone,
As if he called through a telephone,
Hello! Hello! Hello!
His voice we have learned to know;
And whenever we hear it we say. ''There's tina
Dete e,tabIe nuisance-the telephone cat"
-Bazar.
A Michigan town boasts of a girl 81
feet nine inches tall. When a felloy
gets kiss from her he has to say please
and don't you forget it.-Burlingto
Free Press.
IN THE AUTUMN WOODS.
She-And whom do you like best O
all the people of your acquaintance, Mr.
De Monte2
He-YOu ought to know
She-Oh, [ mean next to him.
ANO4 Al hOnSEs
Mistress Ito maid Did any one cal
while [ was out, Mary? Mary-Yis,
mum; young man called to see Bird
get, the cook, an she sint wurred ur
that she "wasn't at home till evenin'. j
-T'eras SiJftings.
ONCE MORE.
Teacher Cat the mission S. SIZES,
children, Daniel was cast into a den of
lions, but not one of them dared touch
him. How strange
Pupil (scornfully)-Aw, dat's nuthin'.
[ seen a duck do that act in der cirkis
las year.
A wEIGHTY REMARK.
Smith Ito Jones, who lives in the
apartment overhead) Il say, old fellow:
you must have been awfully full las
night. heard you fall when you got
up stairs.
Jones-I didn't fall, dear boy. That
was wife-she dropped remark as I
went in.-Puck.
REQUIRED HIS ASSISTANCE.
School Teacher-Your little boy Hans
wasn't at school yesterday, Mr.. Johanis-
berg.
Mr.. Johanisberg (of the Bowery)-
No, vas maxim der parrel of saurkraut
and Wanted Hans to joomp it down NIT
his feet.-T'eras SJzings.
IN THE EMERALD ISLE.
An American tourist was offered n
shillaleh for n shilling.
''Thats the thing pay the rent
with" observed the dealer.
mo: it's blackthorn, - responded tn,
Celt.-Pttcb.
A VALUABLE DEPOSIT.
Hotel CIerk-No, sir, we can't accom-
mOdate you. You have neither bag
gage or money.
"I know L haven t, but came to town
in a freight car and there is considera-
BILE coal dust in my hair"
"Well, comb it out carefully, and
that'u do"
UNPARDoNABLE IMPERTINENCE.
Political Magnate from the West, to
waiter at Fifth Avenue hoteD-I say, l
wanta bottle of champagne, and be
quick about it.
Waiter-Dry, sir?
Political Magnate (very indignant)-
Never you mind whether I'm dry; you
bring that champagne.-Judge.
NICE POINT OF LAW.
A couple of justices were talking shop.
One of them said:
"What bothers me most is to arrive at
a just decision where one of the htigat
ing parties is rich and the other poor. u"
'That don't bother me at all, ;" said
g. J.
render just decision where both of the
litigating parties are rich and each one
tries to outbid the other"
THE TWINS.
A colored woman called her twins
Truth and Falsehood. When asked why
she did so, she answered:
"Well, sab, Truf never needs no
quietin'. He jes' lays down whar yo'
put him an goes right ter sleep. But
dat dar Fausehood's alters a-startin' up
jes' when yo' thot yo' had got him ter
sleep" ."-Epoch.
HE WAS TOO LATE.
Emigration Commissioner - What
could have tempted you to leave your
home in such destitute circumstances
Emigrant-Phwy, they tould me in
the ould country that Oh could foind
goold in the sthrates of Ameriky.
Emigration Commissioner - You're
too late, my man. Gould sailed for
Europe on the last steamer.
so LATE.
sLaura," said the young man, de-
spairingly, 81 know it is growing late,
but this may be the last evening l shall
ever see you. If there is no hope for
me, Laura-if your answer this night is
final one-there is no happiness for
me in this world except in the grave
Wide and deep it yawns before me, but
l fear it not. 1t yawns-"
$50 do 1, George, SO do I, said Laura,
YEARLY.
VICTIM.
If any man wants to know how it
feels to be the victim of unjust suspi-
cion, let him buy half gallon of vine
gar, have it put in small brown jug,
and start through town towards his
home with it. One man did that yes
terday afternoon. Before he got a
block away from where he bought it
friend met him with smile and asked:
els it good?" "1t's vinegar he an
swered, and his friends smile spread
till it extended half across the sidewalk.
INHERITED.
A gentleman entered phrenologist's
office in Boston and asked to have his
head examined. After a moments in
spection the professor started back, ex-
claiming:
"Good heavens! You have the most
unaccountable combination of attributes
/ ever discovered in human being.
Were your parents eccentric9" ?"
"No, sir" replied the all-around
character, meekly, "but my wife is.
You needn't pay any attention to the
larger bumps, sir. "-B,rIington Free
Press.
TWO WAYS OF PUTTING IT.
Omaha Child Why, mamma, did
grandma live to be 100 years old
Mamma-Yes, dear; she was never
sick in her life.
'Didn't have to take medicine 2"
"No."
The next day.
Child-Oh doctor, / heard suoh a
funny thing about my grandma, yester-
day.
Family Physioisn-What was that
lived to be 100 years old. ."-Omad@
World.