The Democratic advocate., 1887-11-26
Mark Twain as a Farmer.

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vineyards. Horace loved the farm, as is
shown by that great book, "What | Know
About Farming" Washington, Webster
and Beecher were allured by the attractions
of agriculture Some one said to Beecher:
"Keep your COWS out of my shrubbery."
"Keep your shrubbery out of my cows,
replied Beecher; ''it spoils the milk"
Hogs are hard animals to drive over a
bridge. I once saw man carried several
miles on the back of hog that turned
back in opposition to the solicitations of
the driver on approaching bridge. |
will tell you of safe way to get hogs over
bridge. Kill them and draw them over
in wagon. Hogs are fond of spring
lambs and spring chickens. Hogs will eat
their own offspring if no lambs or chickens
are offered b the market. When boy l
was solicited to escort pig to neighbor's
farm. A STRONG rope tied to the pigs leg
was placed in my hand; l did not know
before the speed and strength of pig.
But they do not run the way you want
them to rum Apig can draw canal-boet
with the tow-line tied to his hind leg, but
would not insure the canal-boat. Hogs
are cleanly, orderly, silent and not bent on
mischief cut up and salted and in
tight barrel, with heavy weight on the
lid.
love COWS. What so meek and low-ly
as a mooley cow? City people are fool
ish to be frightened at cows. was never
hurt by COW but once. He shook his
head at me from behind a strong gate. |
felt the security of my position and SHE'D
a pumpkin at him. He came through the
gate as though it were a spiders web, and
then 1 was sorry did it. This kind of a
COW should not be fooled with unless you
are tired Of monotony. The poet loves to
dwell upon milkmaids, milking time and
lovers sparkling over the farm-yard gate,
but no such poet could ever have MIXED
cow in fly time. | cannot imagine
successful love suit at such a season. !
MIXED the COWS one night when the boys
were off on Fourth of July. That is, |
MIXED one and one half COWS. The last
one was so busy knocking off flies with her
hind foot thought had better not disturb
her longer. A pail of fresh milk kicked
over boy does not improve his clothes or
temper. Some say l MIXED from the
wrong side 1 thought | would be sure and
be right, so I MIXED half on ond side and
half on the other. was on the other side
when she knocked off most flies. Can any
one tell me why COW should be permitted
to dictate which side man shall milk from?
1 claim the right of my choice at least
half of the time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gambol over the green.
/ trust you never gamble over the green.
Nothing so patient and modest as sheep.
Some say scamp is the black sheep of the
flock, but black sheep is just as respec-
table as any, and the color line should not
thus be drawn. l once fshed on bluff
and casually discovered sheep with large
crooked horns coming at me with head
down and fire in his eyes. The fish were
not biting well, SO l left my sport and
lodged behind stump The sheep fell
on the rocks below and broke her neck
For this act I have since been accused of
non-protection in the wool traffic This re-
minds me of a commissioner of agriculture
in old times who purchased six hydraulic
rams for the improvement of American
focks. Feather beds are made from geese,
but all wooden goods and drums are made
from sheepskins.
/ take great pride in the horse. ale is
the noblest Roman Of them ALL" once
led Stephens horse to water How proudly
he arched his neck and tail. He was SO
fond of me that he tried to embrace me
with his front feet But was so shy he
turned about and playfully knocked my hat
off with his heels. 1 told Stephens 1
thought horses looked much better walking
on four feet than on two feet A horse
presses hard when your toe is caught under
the hoof. speak not from theory but
from actual experience. I went riding with
Stephens horse and he SHE'D and danced
provokingly. "Treat him kindly" said
Stephens "Never beat horse" By and
by Stephens thought he would get out and
walk for exercise. "You may let him feel
the lash little now," said Stephens. "a
little discipline now will do him good"
Here is composition wrote on farm
ing when boy: Farming is healthy work;
but no man can run farm and wear his
best clothes at the same time. Either the
farming must cease while the new clothes
continue, or the new clothes must cease
while farming continues This shows that
farming is not so clean work as being a
Congressman or schoolmaster, for these men
can wear good clothes if they can find mon
ey to pay for them. Farmers get up early
ma. the morning They say the early bird
'B -ze-es the worm. IF was a bird, had
rather get up late and eat cherries in place
of worms. Farmers don't paint their wag-
ons when they can help it for they show
mud too quick. The color of their boots
is red, and don't look like other people S
boots, because they retwice as big. Farm
ers' wives have a hard time cooking for
hired men, and the hired men find fault
with the farmers wives cooking. Why
don't the farmers wives let the hired men
do the cooking while they do the finding
fault. Farmers don't get as rich as bank
presidents, but they get more exercise
Some ask, aWhy don't farmers run for Con.
gress?" They run so much keeping boys
out of their peach orchards and melon
patches they don't have any time to run
after anything else If Congress should
run after farmers, one might be caught now
and then. Lawyers can beat farmers al
running for most anything. | know far.
mer who tried to run a line fence according
to his notion. The other mau objected and
hurt the farmer. The farmer hired law.
yer to run his line fence, and now the