Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1887-11-04
A MIXED LITIGATION.

'tLike the new cote 'ouse? hump! not
much. Tell ye, jedge, my ole terbarker
barn ID be er fittener place, fer most er the
ejints that comes yere, an as fer jestice,
er chick N coop would hole erbout all er
that artikle thars been in this yere Mum
gumry county since the wah. o, yes, l
know this fine, new big house suits you
lawyers down ter the grown. Fact is, you
fellers, yere in Poverty row, e'e'nabout
runs this county; now we've got sech er
lot er jackasses in the quarterly cote
magistrates, they call themselves - but
Joe's dead eff I hadn't ruther trust emmy
case er mine befor er suckin' calf, N nine
out er ten er the whole compoodlement I'm
'um.
''That's what brung me in town ter day
ter see the upshot er some her thar tom
foolery. Walker VS.. mes'-don't you
know the case? Well, I'll tell We bout it,
Hits case, an no mistake. By rights,
Jack Weems orter go ter the penitenshery
fer it. Hits all his dom, pesky young
vilyun.
''.But that amt nothin' ter do with this
yere yarn. Whar was I? Oh! yes. The
deestric's little one, as I said, an, as I'm
er ivin' sinner, fore election day every
man in it WIS arunnin' fer squire, 'cept-
in the ole squire, Jack Weems, me an
one more man. An warn't they perlite
My! Parydise fore the snake got in
warn't a patchin' to it. Such bowin' an
scrapin' an neighborin' We never did see.
My three nighes' neighbors had it mighty
bad. When went out ter feed Their stock
o. mornin's. by the second chicken crow
they'd begin whoopin' crost FIN thar hill
tops ter mine: Good mornin', Mr.. Jack
man; how's yer good health? an yo' wife?
an yo' famly?' an Hello, ole Jack, we're
jist a-gwine ter tap the las barrel er hard
cider. Come over an fetch yer Jug; or
the pious one would yawp: How are ye
in the Lord, Brother Jackman? Tell Mrs.
Jackman we're f-gwine ter night meetin'
in the wagin ter-night, an want her and
the gals ter come an heep us fill up
Blamed if don't believe airy one er them
there'd ruint hisself for my vote an in
fuence.
''Did they git it? Never you mind
That amt neither here nor thar. Now of
all the onfitten men that was runnin',
Bill Hines was shorely the onfittenest.
He amt got the sense the law allows er
p6ssum, an hits my belief he'd never er
chen thought erbout it but fer Jack, who's
eat his own weight in chicken, er pretend
in to court Bets Hines Sundays fer three
years, er sech matter. He put Bill up
ter it-I'm most shore er that-and then
whit does the young vilyun do but slip
round ter all the rest an say: sCose
you'll be the man, you've got the dead
wood on all en- 'em. I'm fer We, tooth an
toenail, an want yer ter do me er favor.
Bill Hines, yer know is runnin'-ain't it
er joke-an' want you lection day ter
vote fer i'm. Of co'se he won't git but
the one an he'll think that's me, so I'll
keep solid with Miss Betsy an the chicken
pie, an you could'n' throw erway on no
body safer
''See his game, don't We? But they
didn't, an when the votes wus counted
the ole squire had 'leven votes, if he
wasn't a-runnin'; the hard cider man
seven, an Bill Hines all the rest Wasn't
they mad, though? Wet hens warn't no.
where ter 'em.
''Jack took good pains ter have hisself
'pinted to wait on the gram jury, and
stayed outen reech tell they sorter got the
wire edge often 'em.
''When he did come home he got sick
enough er his fun. 1 don't rightly be-
ieve he'd ever looked furder N foolin'
them fellers fer his mischief. Now he
UCl paw IOW IL w uS-tt llldu UudU
know B from a bulls foot set up over us.
He tried his best ter git Bill ter resign.
He mought as well er tried ter milk er
goose. Bill wus thar ter stay-the tick
eldst man you ever see ter have er handle
ter his name an so stingy the fees seemed
ter him like er fortune
Especially arter Jack read out to him,
from the Statutes err Tennessee that the
ole squire passed over to him, that thar
law that fines er man fifty cents for every
cuss word said before er magistrate setten
in court. Bill thought it meant any
whars-didn't matter jes so he heard it,
an that he wus a made man-fer thar's
no two ways about it, our fellers does use
er heap er languidge, in the course er the
year.
s'Well, one day in the spring Bill, out
er hog huntin', come on Jim Walker,
coulterln' up er piece er groun' with er
par er mules that wasn't more'n half
broke, an the air wus fa'arly blue round
erbout thar. Every time they struck er
root one er tother mule'd kick outer the
traces, an Jim wolrld swar an his big
ges' boy, that was shrubbin' behind him,
ID jump up on er stump an try ter out
cuss his daddy. An Bill stood in the
bushes an listened, an cownted and
coWnted till he got ter fifty-nine. That's
all the fur he kin count. I've heard him
try ter go fifty-ten, fifty-eleven, fifty
twelve a-many time. Then he streaked
it home ter make Bets write out the
count, mighty sorry ter think them wus
all he could reckon, but shore that whut
he had got wus with more N he'd make
at his blacksmith shop in er month.
C Now, ses zee ter Bets, git yer pen
an paper an write plain whut I tell We.
To any offs err Mungumery county,
speshaP Mr. Jack Weems. You air KUN
mandid ter take the body of Jeems
Walker an bring it before me ter pay fer
swearin' this many oathes, here set down,
at fifty cents erpiece before a justess of
piece
''Bets busted out a cryin'. 'O paul.
ses she, 4 CANT write dreadful language
l CAN'T, CANT, Brother Macpounder
would turn me out er Bresh creek meetin'
house if he was ter know it. Sides the
Walkers is our very bes' neighbors, you
know that yourself. Please, please don't
go raisin' er fuss with them.''
'''Shet up ses Bill. 'S'pose We think
We know morn yer daddy, an him er
offs of the law, but sence see ne paper
wont hold it all, and you're so mealy
mouthed ye may put down, ne SWOr'
fifty-nine oathses-an heap more that
warn't counted an then see if yo' fine
free schoolin' will hep you ter find out
whut it all comes to. "
'"Then Bets got the slate an arter fig
germ all over both sides on it, tole 'em
twas 500 so. Bill sot up half the night
tryin' ter think out eff he could hear sech
another cussin er week, how much he'd be
wuth at the end er his TEEN.
"Jack come over next day, an when
Bill gin him the papers ter serve, he was
paid good for his lectioneerin. He knowed
well 'twant no use to say nothin' Them
$3.50 had fixed Bills flint too tight for
that. But at last he did persuade him ter
make it returnable fore Cowper, the
tother squire, who is jest about half the
fool Bill Hines is. Fust time he set the
trial fer Sunday, and that didn't hold.
Next time he run erway, but third time
never fails, We know, and things come to
a head then with a vengeance. Fer We
see by this time Bills ole brindle bull had
broke into the wilder Tippen's turnip
patch, and pretty nigh cleaned up all her
gyarden truck an Jim Walker had put a
load er shot in i'm for pyore neighborly
kindness he said.
$50 thar wus suit fer trespass. An
then Bill he up an kills Jim's dog fer
WOrryin' of the beast an there WIZ