News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-01-27
A BATCH OF STRAY JOKES
GATHERED IN FROM ALL QUARTERS
NO CHESTNUTS HERE.
That Big FeIIOw-The Clock Mt Work
George Saw It'll is the style in Omaha
A Surprising NIemory-Odds and Ends,
ETC., Etc.


and 1 can tell any ones fortune now.
Augustus-''Wel tell mine, please. ="
'tWell, let me see, this is the life line,
or the other one there is, but guess it
don't much matter, they look good
deal alike anyhow-yes, now l see.
You are to meet some one who will be
awfully in love with you, but she will
die an old maid"
''And I?''
ooh; you'll go through life just the
way you have been doing, never seeing
beyond your nose"
''But why Will she die an old maid9"
'Because you wont have sense enough
to ask her to marry you, that's Why
omaha World.
EASILY IDENTIFIED.
The Czar-Brother Jonathan, do you
know anything about the Standard Oil
Company2
Brother Jonathan-I should say did,
Why?
''They have been buying land and
wells over here"
"'They have2 Have they made you
an offer for your throne yet?"
''Oh, mop
Haven't they limited that you could
make money by selling out now and re-
tir1ng to private life instead of waiting
until they squeeze you outW
''Not a word"
cts some other company, then, y
Omaha World.
THE CLOCKS FATAL WORK.
The witching hour of 2 a m. was ap-
preaching. They were sitting on the
sofa and you couldn't have slid paper
knife between them.
''No, my love-" he said, 'you are the
first dear object of my affections. In all
my life I have never loved any other
girl but you"
Ting, ting!" softly ch1med the costly
French clock upon the mantel.
The lover started.
''That 1s," he exclaimed nervously,
81 never loved any other girl as tender
ly as do you, my darling"
But the clock had done its fatal work.
''THAT BIG FELLER."
A middIe-aged man whose business
keeps him away from home on all days
except Sunday had occasion to chastise
his eldest son one Sabbath about three
weeks ago AS soon as the shingle seance
was over the child ran crying into the
house,
"Why, Johnnie, what is the matter2"
asked the mother in alarm.
That big fellers been licking me" :"
whimpered the boy.
"What fellow do you mean, Johnnie?"
"Why, that feIler what stays here
every Sunday" replied the urchin, with
a gulp.- Chicago Herald.
THE STYLE NOW.
Omaha Dame.-No, ] have no desire
to spend any time on a farm. even in
summer.
Iowa N1iss-Don't you like the coun-
try?
ooh, yes, but I have visited relatives
on farms several times, and they always
had such dreadfully bad butter-sent
all their good butter to market, you
know"
'Oh! that's all changed now"
'Tt is?"
eyes indeed. We eat our best butter
now ourselves and buy oleo to send to
market"
GOOD FOR NOTHING.
He meant business. Ma-''Now, you
must be good, Algy."
Algy-"How much will you give me
for being good2"
M.-"How much will I give youi
A.-"Yes'm"
M.-'Nothing, of course"
A--"Then l wen be good"
M.-'EYou wont2"
A.-"Not unless you pay for it."
M.-"Why not"
A.-"Because 1 would then be q
-for-nothing boy.-Boston Courier.
A FRANK CONFESSION.
Merchant Ito applicant for a job)-Do
you know anything about figures, Uncle
Rastus2
Uncle Rastus-Yes, sab.
Merchant-Well,i if were to lend you
SIS, and you promised to pay 81 each
month, how much would you owe me az
the expiration of three months2
Uncle Rastus-Fi' dollahs, sab.
Merchant-Pm afraid you don't know
much about figures.
Uncle Rastus--No, sab, but I specs l
knows all bout Uncle Rastus.
fhEACE1N0-
A New England clergyman of ability
has been in other work for several
years, and is son, of five Summers, has
rarely seen him in the pulpit. Recent
ly the little fellow heard his father
preach away from home, in vacation,
and took early occasion to inquire:
''Aunty, is papa a preacherf" Eyes,
dear" 'But is he a real preacher2"
Certainly, Teddy" "But say, aunty,
he isn't much of a preacher, is hes"
The clergyman will not soon hear the
last of this criticism.
NO FUN IN CANADA.
Nellie-Were you ever tobogganing
in Canada?
Minnie-Yes, but it isn't half so nice
as it is in Omaha.
"Too coldE"
''No, not that; but the slides are so
awfuliy steep"
"Steeper than ours"
"Oh, ever so much. Why, they are
so dangerous that the gentlemen can't
do anything but just watch the course
and steer"
"Ohw
George" said Irene, tenderly, ''do
you know your lip reminds me of Ban
quo's ghost?'
"Of Banquo's ghost, darling3 Where
is the resemblance?" said George.
1T won't down." she replied.
"Won'c DOWN. echoed George, in as
tonishment; "whv, Ive got the heaviest
moustache of any man in our club.
Won't down2 Dahl see-I see!"
George bent his head and his lip came
down.
THE MEAN THING.
Miss Clamwhooper, who wears false
tresses, but imagines nobody knows it,
calls on her friend, Miss Snobberly.
Miss Snobberly-"H Dobinsky fin
ished your portralt2"
Miss Clamwhooper-'Pll have to
give him another sitting, so he can get
the right color of the hair"
Miss Snobberly-"If that's all, why
don't you send it to him by servant"
--Ieras 6ittings.
BEFORE OR AFTER.
During a recent storm at Martha
Vineyard a shower of angle worms Gov
cred the walks and street at Cottage
City. A few weeks previously shower
of fish was reported in Western town.
70 lon