Omaha daily bee., 1887-12-25

very careful not to look our gift horses in the
mouth.
A watch that don't run doesn't need any
chain.
Failure in the yarn trade-writing unsuc-
cessful novels.
Many an old book has to be bound over to
keep the piece.
This world owes us a living but we have to
enforce payment.
The bucket shops are kicking the bucket.
They are dead and have no future.
Amateur-No an actor does not go to an
IRON foundry when he is cast for part.
Some men dat am de ahkitccts OBJ dar own
fawchuncs creek mighty crazy bulldin's.
A mans credit is low down when he can
not obtain money under false pretenses.
Adversely may try mems souls, but pros
perity often grinds them to powder.
There is an athletic club in Indiana COM
posed entirely of groccrs. They are all light
weights.
ST. Peter will open wide the gate for the
man who in winter here on earth always shut
the door.
mo, maam," said the grocer to an appli-
cant for credit, Il wouldn't even trust my
own feelings"
1t is no great credit for the worm to turn
when stepped upon, A barrel hoop will do
the same thing.
1t is said that the poet Gocthc's death was
fastened by his hearing an American pro-
nounce his name.
In the Volapui language the word for dol
lar is ''doab." But it win be just as hard as
ever to borrow one.
Rejoice when your Christmas turkey makes
a brave fight for life The bravcst are the
tenderest you know,
AS between the dude and his cane at this
writing the cane seems to have q trife the
best of it in the size of head
If the hairs of every ones head are num-
bered, we presume those on the back of the
Uranium are back numbers.
We met a man the other day who has hay
fever all the year round. 1t breaks out
whenever you ask him question.
A Boston man has advertised for the return
of "a green lawyers bag" Culture up that
way is still a little ragged about the edges.
1t is said that 100000 people in France live
in apartments that have no windows. Those
are the people who can safely throw stones.
Ruskin says: MAN should resemble q
river" Some men do, IN one respect, at
least The biggest part of them is their
mouth.
wants the old song, "Hold the Fort for l am
Coming" changed to hold the pianoforte till
can get away.
An Ohio family were made ill by eating
poisoned pie; Any one who would add to the
already deadly character of the American pie
by putting poison in it, is a ticnd.
"You may bring me-" said Boston girl,
"a small portion of a Celtic disturbance" +"
"a which is it.' said the waiter Irish
stew you stupid" answered she.
Impassioncd Lover Quoting Moore in a
whisper)-''Our couch shall be roses, be-
spanplcd with dew" Practical Grl-''It
would gvie me rheunatics, and so it would
your
The merits of new organ are thus de-
scribed by a provincial newspaper: ''The
swell died away in a delicious sutfocation,
like one sing ing a sweet song under the bed
clothes"
"Oh. yes" said grumbling beggar, "folks
al'ays helps them as don't need any help.
Why, there's lightnin'; it can git down to the
ground fast enough all by itself, and yit folks
is all the time a-puttn' up rods for it to slide
down on"
Young Rural lin New York restaurant.
showing off before his girD-'Waitcr, bring
us a bottle of champagne" Waiter-"Yes,
sir. Dry!" Young Rural (hOtly)-'Its
none. c.of your internal business whether we
| are dry or not. just You bring it."
"Move on,n shouted west side citizen to
| q organ grinder. who had stopped in front of
| his house to exhibit the antics of his ape.
"My mother-in-law has just left us this morn
| ing and we don't want any more monkey
| business around here for a while"
A young German officer, rather new to his
work, was drilling squad of raw recruits,
| and gave the word of command: Lift the
| right legr One of the soldiers by mistake
raised his left leg. so that it joined closely to
| the right leg of his ncighbor. "Donnerwet-
! teri" exclaimed the officer, "what Jackan-
| apes has lifted both his legs!"
sven integrdy und ooprighthood," says
| Carl Pretzel, ''vas got shtamped on der hoo
| man mind, der owner of dot mind could vhent
| fishin on Soonday, und it vas alrighth."
Son-"Papa, how do they catch lunatics?''
| Cynical Fathcr-"With diamond necklaces,
decollctte dresses and fourteen-button gloves
| my boy"