Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1887-04-21
NO. 81.
WIT And HUMOR.

Sensational preaching is nothing but
the pulpit touching its cap to the stage.
Some men seem TO be fond of hugging
delusiOns, and it may be that they got in the
habit because girls are such delusive crea.
tures.
Sunday school teacher-Johnny, does
your father live in fear OF God johnny
Yes'm, guess so be never goes out on
Sunday without he carries gun.
Charles Reade says that children should
be taught to have presence of mind, but
haven't they got it? Catch a hoy IN a sugar
box and isn't be looking for flies ?
Kind-hearted old gentleman There
there don't cry Be.a little man."
Injured child; 'How can | be little
man when rsa little g-girl? Boo-hoo~
"Pa, old maids alus drink tea, don't
they - YES lille "Well, wish you'd
make ma stop it," "Why, my boy ?"
"Huh don't want my mother to be an
old maid
Lady lin shoe store 81 would like to
look at some cloth slippers for myself"
Clerk until recently in the dry goods linel:
'Yes, madam, something all wool and a
yard wide!'
Curran. one day when the Judge was
shaking his head, said, addressing the jury;
Gentlemen, don't be convinced by the
learned Judge shaking his head, for there's
nothing in it"
\ San Francisco paper says of one of
Its esteemed local contemporaries that it
has not the courage TO announce the ris-
ing of the sun in the east because many
of its readers live in the west
New York has a bureau Of mending,
where socks will be darned for five cents
pair, buttons sewed on for three cents apiece,
and all kinds OF rips and tears mcnded at
prices proportionate to the extent of dam
age done.
Heard in society.
He 81 beg your pardon, miss, but /
don't admire your last name"
She; Great heavens, man, haven't |
done everything IN my power to change itg
Must knock a man down with a club"
The dedcon's wife wanted TO ot down
the text, and leaning over to her scape-
grace nephew, she whispered Have you
any cards about your "You can't play
in church" was the solemn, reproving
answer, and the good woman was so nus-
trated that she forgot her text.
"Hebo INC Isrul, Nanny say huccome
de milk 50 watery on top in de mornn'?"
Patriarch Tell you Nanny dats dc
bes' sort o milk dat's de dcr on tide
COWS been layin' in de dew
"Hebe: And she tell me to AK you what
meek it so blue?
Patriarch you AK you Nanny what
meek she so black =
Maud Il am asionished at you, Irene,
for saying that Henry is awkward aud
bashful"
Irene 81 ought to know, think I'm
his own sister lie hates TO 90 out into So
ciety. lie never knows what TO do with his
| hands
Maud You are mistaken. Irene In
that respect he is one Of the most accom-
plished young man ever went sleigh ri
ding with"
! once heard an amusing fight between
an operator at Xenia, Ohio, and another at
Cincinnati After each had exhausted his
vocabulary Of Bilingsgate the operator at
Cincinnati suddenly subsided aud refused
TO continue the contest, whereupon Xenia
snapped out;
What's the difference between you and
a jackass ?7 Quick as a fash came the re-
ply:
Gust sixty miles. Give me harder
one"
"Did you hear that Tom May was mar
red last week ?"
"No, l. that so? He didn't marry that
red-headed widow on Chestnut street, did
he?"
That's what; only he doesn't put it just
that way"
"What shade does he make her out?"
"Well, met Tom to-day, and inquired
what he had been up to, and his answer
was that he had been ringing the chestnut
belle"
\ landlord, noted for his bulk Of per-
son, was lying seriously i'll, and one Of
his tenants who came 10 inquire after the
"masther," was informed that be was be-
ing kept up by the occasional admins
tration Of teaspoonfuls Of brandy.
Whereupon he rejoined somewhat con
temptuously. TEASPOONS, Is it? And
what good would tayspOon be sthraying
about in such a wilderness Of a man"
Gen. Taylor said one day, soon after
his Inauguration as President, that he had
never enjoyed turkey 50 much as he
had at New Orleans on his way home
from his Mexican campaign. 1t was
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