News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-10-06
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
WHAT THE FUNNIEST MEN IN
THE LAND ARE SAYING.
AT the Sea Side-The Old Mans
ReadinG-Rcquired an Umbrella
His Last Request--Odds and
Ends, Etc, Etc.
TELL THE TRUTH.

TELL THE TRUTH,
4 careless man while at work in the
Back Bay the other day droppeda a brick
from the second-stOry of the building
upon which he was engaged. Leaning
over the wall he discovered well dress
ed gentleman with his hat crushed over
eyes and ears aud engaged in desper-
ate effort to eXtricate his head from its
battered covering
s'Did that brick strike anyone down
thero!' thp-nan inquired, his voice
qliyering with apprehension. The af-
fiicted citizen, who had just removed
the dismantled cranial adornment re
piled, with considerable warmth
Eyes, sir: it hit me.'a
That's right" came the cool and eX-
asperating response. 81 would rather
have wasted 1000 bricks than to have
had Won tell me lie about it."-BostOn
Record.
| HIS LAST REQUEST.
''And is this to be the end Z" said the
deeply enamOred travelling man, to the
beautiful young lady who kept the books
for one of his regular customers i'll the
little inland town.
cit is, Mr.. McThompson, she re-
piled. 81 can never be anything to you
but friend
':Thcn,' said the drummer. with trem
uloas voice and a face of ashv paleness,
sit only remains for me to say farewell.
| shall he here again, he continued,
consulting his memorandum book, with
rapidly recovering self-possessiOn, sin
thirty days, with a full line of samples
in millinery and dress goods. Save me
your orders, please. Good afternoon.
-Chicago Tribune.
HOUSEKEEPING INTELLIGENCE.
Mrs. Molly Bigman, newly-married
lady, does not know anything about
housekeeping. but she is anxious to have
her husband believe there is nothing in
the housekeeping line she does not
know. He happened to be in the room
when the cook came in and said:
''Will you please glib me out de cof-
fee De water is been a-bilin' dis las
half hour"
''Let the water boil, Matilda, re-
piled Mrs Bigman, calmly, "the longer
it boils the stronger it will be. =
EditoJ's Dra,cer in Harpsr's Magazine for
September.
A young man sent the following to
| his girl:
Oh, of all your kind, don't laugh
Or think | deal in IL chaff.
thee and thee alone;
Oh, wilt thou dearest b my own?
Her father read it: ''Oh, asterisk of
all your kind, don't laugh or think /
deal in comma II chaff. / figger naught
for thee and thee alone; oh, wilt thou,
dearest capital B, my own, The old
gentleman vowed that hiS daughter
should never marry such Flame fool
ndsittpgt0ft CRITIC.
WHAT WILL DE THE RESULT.
Customer Ito tailor)-Do you make /
the new style of dress coat, designed to |
distinguish gentleman from waiter ! |
Tailor-Yes, sir.
Customer believe YOU may take my
measure.
Tailor taking his measure)-Where /!
may have the pleasure of sending the |
coat, sir?
Customer The Hoffman.
Tailor-You are guest there, sup
pose, sir?
CustOmer-No, I'm one of the walters. |
REQUIRED AN UMBRELLA.
''Can you assist me to few pennies,
ma ann" pleaded the tramp.
81 kin give We some breabfas said |
the woman, ''but no money"
''I've had all the breakfast I want" |
he said; ''I'm very light eater"
"What dye want of money" the wo-
man demanded, "to buy Ticker WITH"
"No, ma am, the nature of my pro-
fessiOn keeps me from under shelter
most of the time, and [ am trying to
raise money enough to buy an UNI
brella. Tjd5its.
THE MODERN PRoCRUSTEs.
Irate Customer-See here, that bed |
you sent me is so short can't lie III it
feet stick away out beyond the foot
board
Omaha Dealer-By Jinks That new
clerk of mine has sent you the wrong |
bedstead. That was not intended for |
the Omaha trade at all.
"Well, what under the canopy are
such beds made for 2"
"They are for the summer resort |
trade; made to fit the rooms, you know"
-Omtthn World
SHE WAS DESPERATE.
He-What had you rather see a friend
of yOuls-me, for instance-a great gen |
eral, an eloquent preacher, leading |
editor, or perhaps a mighty political
leader!
She (who has wasted summer on |
Iim)-i think had rather you We're an |
ear of that ight-colored, sharp pointed |
corn, that We saw this morning Mt the |
grOcer's.
He-Great Scott and why?
She-That kind of corn will pop, you
know.
INTERRUPTED.
Ella-Why, father, [ should think
yOu would be ashamed to wear that |
great pair of No. II boots with those |
huge nails.
Father (signifcantly}-I know, my
dear, but the red heifar died to-day and |
I want to kick somebody.
Then Ella went into the house and |
wrote Walter not to call for week.
TWO OF KIND.
Highwayman in Pullman palace car
Your money or your life. !
''Is you dressin' dose remarks to me,
sab 2
''You bet L am. Hurry up"
"Wcll, I'm de pohtah of dis yeah
cab. "
ooh Excuse me. How are you,
comrade - Washington critic.
DIDN'T KNOW.
cts ashamed yez ought to be, sittin'
there an sayin' me son sthrugglin' i'll
the watah, and not liftin' yer finger to
hilp i'm
"Yaas; but didn't know it, num-"
Didn't know phatl Sure an there
he was roight before yez oies."
Didn't know that he was your son,
mum.-Harper's Bozar.
THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT.
Clarence X. Shear Ito Cholly)-Break
it to my wife, Cholly. | am going to
Canada to settle some business. The /
long and the short of it is
Cholly-What is the long and short of
it!
Clarence went long on wheat and
short in my accounts. That's the size of
it. -by.-JHdge.
A VERDICT.
A man in a Western town hanged
himself to a bed-post by his suspenders
The CoDner's jury were some time III
coming to decision in the case, bat the
foreman, who was native of Erin, final
lv announced that the deceased came