davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

ave always want what we haven't got"
remarked a philusophic barber, as he rubbed
some Croton water on the reporters head
and charged him for bay rum. Twenty
Years ago one Of my customers was complain
ing that his mustache wouldn't grow. and
now when he has a mustache he is kicking
that his hair won't grow. When a man gets
rs bad as that he either becomes a Socialist
or else makes hermit Of himself and ponders
over the problem As TO whether life is worth
living.
"A man came in this morning and aske;
me if l could cut his hair without blowing il.
his face He said he had been trying to get
his hair cut for a whole week The first bar-
her he went to blew away the clippings at
each movement of the shears, and his breati
ienoted that whisky was his chief article Of
diet. 1t was bad whisky, and it smelt WORSE
At second hand. So the man skipped out Of
the chair with one side of his head cropped
This one didn't drink whisky He ate garlic
The man hurried out of the place with his
neck half shaved. This was the condition l
found him III, but l soon had him present
able. When he was going out he asked me
why never blew the hair of a customer
Because l can't said i. Don't you see l
have the asthmaf New York Evening
sun
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

1t happened, however, a few mornings ago
that the old lady reached the breakfast table
without her trumpet. She did not seem
troubled at forgetting it, but adjusting her
glasses inspected the bill Of fare and ordered
breakfast, concluding with request for some
fishballs.
There amt any fishballs, ma'am," said
the waiter, respectfully.
Il prefer them done brown she said.
There amt any fishhalls this morning"
And | wish YOU would tell the cook not
TO fry them in lard. Use little piece Of salt
pork"
"There amt any
"And wait moment Tell her TO lie very
careful not 10 use halibut for fishballs instead
of Goldfish. l understand it is frequently
done.
There amt any fishballs today" repeated
the waiter in loud tones.
You really ought not to serve iishballs
every day, john she said, pleasantly. The
old New England way was to have shem for
Sunday breakfasts
There amt any fishballs," shouted the
waiter
YES, serve them with parsley
The unfortunate waiter glanced iielplessly
about, and then bending down to the old
ladys ear, in tones that proclaimed it to the
entire dining room, he roared out again,
There amt no fishballs today"
''Why didn't you say SO, then, Johnf" she
added, gazing at the flushed waiter over her
spectacles. Il think you have been drinking.
You have been muttering to yourself there
for the last five minutes. Never mind about
the fishballs, but l shall report you TO the
clerk New York Tribune.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
Only a Portion Of His Family.

A short man conveying eleven children
stood at Broadway and Cortlandt street yes
terday afternoon. He wore u shiny Prince
Albert coat, a decalcon,anie on his necktie
for scarfpn, and there was look of settled
melancholy ON his smooth shaven face.
The children ranged from about Is years
DOWN The eldest carried sachel and the
rest had umbrellas or bundles suited to their
carrying capacity.
They were waiting for Broadway car,
and the small man grouped his charges care
fully on the curb. uttering frequent admoni-
tons the while Thomas, he said, reprov-
ingly TO a small boy, "if yt drop that bas-
ket with the eggs in it therUll be trouble for
You, sir, tonight. Isabella, put down that
umbrella You are poking everybody in the
ribs"
Just then car came along, ard the peril
Gus work of emharkinG the children began.
bringing two drays and cab to standstiIl
in Broadway.
Hurry up. old man." called the cabmar,
land hustle your picnic into the car
"You want ter keep them orfuns outer
Broadway" said a drayman, "or else dress
'em up alike with the name Of the asylum on
their collars"
The short man did not reply. He hoisted
the smallest infant into the car, and as it
started he turned his mournful face to the
cabman and said: This is not picnic. il is
a portion Of my family. Perhaps, young
man." he added with deepening sadness,
when you have had fourteen children life
will not seem to you to be all a merry Jest.
New York Tribune
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
A Chestnut. but still Toothsome.

The late Justice Patrick Grattan was one
of the most popular citizens of West Troy,
where his memory will ever be green, and
"reminiscences of his witticisrns continue to
bring smiles to the countenances of his sur
viving friends, as passing events recall the
name Of the genial Pat" 1t was but seldom
that his quick wit would not pierce through
any practical joke that was intended to be
played on him, and he used to relate that the
most completely that he was ever taken in
was by rollickinS son Of Erin, who stood
arraigncd and convicted before him for pub
lie intoxication. The fellow pleaded for mercy.
saying that he hal large family dependent
on him for support. How many children
have your asked the kind hearted Grattan.
"Oi hev siven byes and sister for livery wan
o EN-" was the reply. He was let of with
the payment of a light fine, and it was not
till several minutes had elapsed that the
court comrrehended that one girl could lie a
sister TO seven bays. just as easily as seven
girls, as ne at first thouSht.-Albany Argus.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
DEACON euRoerTes PHILOSOPHY.
THE YOUNG WHITE HEAD.

You probe my story when you ask me how
In my lifes morning all my hair Is white
As Alpine snowdrIfts on some mountains brow,
That lifts above the peaks its lc.ty height.
NV hair was blacker than the raven ; wing,
And kindly matruns, aye. and laughing girls,
Smil sd not unkindly on me-foolish thing,
AID praised the ebon shading of my curls.
But in one summer night short and still.
IL changed To ghastly white from raven hue;
You cannot help il, in Touring mill,
II comes of easy with wet shampoo.
BLOOD WILL TELL.
Be a gentleman. my son: be refined and
gentlemanly in your home department.
Don't be rough and vulgar toward those
whom You love and respect. Be a nobleman.
When London costernongers wife dis
pleases him he kicks her with his heavy
boots, but when the Duke of Snariboro's wife
offends him he only slaIs her mouth. We
cannot all be born of gentle blood, my son,
rs is the duke, but We can nobly aspire to
something better than the coster.
DISTANCED.
Oh. am the man who got left
OF Office and place Tn bereft:
When they counted the votes, Il e tally denotes
The other chap collared tn. beft-
There was fraud and corruption and theft,
For the other mans heelers were deft.
But without hesitation. I've this consolation,
I'd rather be right than I've left.
brooklyn Eagle.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
STRAY JOKES.

The latest things in stockings-feet.-
Epoch.
''Took long steps, my cheild, y said Solomon
Isaacs- You Won: wear oud your shoes
nearly 50 quick. Detroit Free Press
She Had Him-This is a new shade. isn't it
''ies, madam, it LAS just come in" what is
it called! The manufacturer wanted TO pay
US delicate compliment, SO he named it
THE Clerks Favorite'" 'Give me fiv
yards of your plainest black It'd Bits.
A Lady in Dai;on, Ga, is the possessor of a
breastpin containing a lock of hair which
grew On Washington's head. There are SO
many locks of Washington's hair still in
existence that it is not surprising that nearly
all his portraits show him wearing a pow
dered wig.-Norristown Herald.
Chicago Husband-Well. nv dear, was
your Raconian class n success this afternoont
Wife-fes, but l vas very nervous for n
while. Hushand-What was the trouble:
Nne-Why, it was nearly 4 O'Clock before
the pie came from the bakerS.-Epoch.
Two thousand dollars Jest for q pitcher
repeated old Mrs. Bently. in amazement Fl
wonder. what them Chicngo folks kin be
thinkin of! This craze fer decorated chny
is gittin' to be wicked Epoch.
Michigan town boasts girl six feet aine
inches tall When fellow gets a kiss from
her he has to say please, and don't you forget
it-Burlington Free Press.
Playwriter-I will now read You nv play
Friend-But why have You given me this
package. That package contains half a
dozen handkerchiefs. Ny play is tragedy,
and don't want You to be unprepared"- ~
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

The treatment of many thousands of cases
of those chronic weaknesses and distressing
ailments peculiar tn females. AT the lnyalids
Hotel and Surgical Institute, Buffalo. y. Y,
has afforded vast experience in nicely
adapting and thoroughly testing remedies
for the cure Of w0Tnan's peculiar mala,lieS.
DR.. Piercess FaSOrite Prescription
IL the outgrowth, or result. Of this great
and valuable experience. Thousands Of
testimonials. received from patients and
from physicians who have tested il in the
more aggravated and obstinate cases which
had bafficd their skill. prove it to he the
most wonderful remedy ever devised for
the relief and cure of suffering women. Ii
Is not recommended as a cure-ail." bur
as a most perfect Specific for woman'S
peculiar ailments.
As a powerful. invigOraiing tonic,
IL imparts strength To the whole system,
and to the uterus. or womb and its ap-
pendaxes. in particular. For oyerworkcd,
''worn-out," rundown" debilitated teach
ers. miliners. dressmakers, saamstress.s,
" "shop--iris." housekecpers. nursing moth
ers. and feeble womcR generally, DIR.
Pierccs Favorte Prescription is the great
est earthly boon. being unsIualled a an
appctizing cordial and restorative tonic. II
promotes digestion ana assimilation Of food,
Address, WORLDS DISPl
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Doubtful Party ito gentieman)-Can you
assist me, sir, 10 u trifie. I'm stranger in a
strange land 1900 miles from home
Gentleman-My conscience! Where is
your home.
Doubtful Party-Australia-
Gentleman (handing him cent,-How do
You ever expect to get back theref
Doubtful Party balancing the penny
Well, if l don't do better than this. sir,
spose I'll have to waIk-Drake's Travellers
Magazine
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
4 Long Felt Want,

American lin Europel-I understand you
are willing to sell your Wild West show.
Buffalo Bill am willing enough, but the
Indians object.
why so:'
'1dont know; superstition, I suppose. They
say they will never be bought"
.'Say, Bill, take those Indians back TO New
York and Wen elect them aldermen. -
Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
The Ear Trumpet Wa Missing.

An honored guest at one Of the uptown ho-
tells recently was pJrtly and dignitiei old
lady. She was dressed in rlstling black silk
and stiff white cap, and even the clerk was
awed by her presence and conversation. It
was highly edifying signt at meal hours to
watch the head waiter obsequiously convey
ing this piece Of ancient respectability across
the dining hall to seat Increasing deaf
ness led the old lady always 20 carry an ear
trumpet with her, but the presence Of t..at
implement did rot detract from the i'm
pressiveness Of the scene. The ceremony of
seating having having been duly performed.
she would orde- her meal. and the waiter
having humbly dropped few words of ex-
PLANTATION or suggestion into the business end
of thA '--- ---ia a.rsrr gu his mission
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Little Mollie was caught by her mother
stealing apples from the tree and severely
rebuked Her mother told her she must not
touch those apples, as she was going to make
preserves Of them.
On the following Sunday little Mollie's
school teacher, while walking home with her
from Sunday school, asked her why God for
bade Adam and Eve to eat Of the tree in the
midst of the garden.
because he wanted to make preserves of
the apples" was the childish reply-Texas
Siftings.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Mr.. Rolert johnson, who lives on the
Fisher farm, has a little boy, Dave. who is
just old enough to he taught to say his pray
ers The other evening his mother was
teaching him the Lords Prayer, and got
along very well until they reached the line,
Give us this day our daily bread
The mother repeated it twice, but the child
made no attempt to follow her.
why don't You say itf' urged his mother.
Cause don't want bread" said the boy
Il want pie oil City Derrick.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

A story comes from Belgium to the effect
that once upon time dog found his way
into the chamber of deputies just as prolix
member was boring the house with a
harangue. The tediousness of the speech
was soon appreciated by Carlo, who gave
vent 10 his feelings in barks. And on the
morrow the stenographers' report of the
speech had at various points the interpola-
tion Barking OIL the back Seats,.-Boston
TRANSCRIPT
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

In pregnancy, Favorite Prescription"
Is mothers cordial" relieving nausea,
weakness of stomach and other Gisfr, ssirIg
symptoms common to that condition. II
its use Is kept up in the latter months or
gesiation- IL so prepares tie system for de-
livery as tn greatly lessen. and many times
almost entirely do away with the suf'erings
Of that try ing ordeal.
"FavOrite rrcscriptiOn,- when taken
in uDn.ction with the use of DIR. Pierce's
Golden Medical Discovery. and small lava
tive doses Of DIR. Pl>A4's Purgative Pellets
little Liver P,.sg'tnres liver. Kidney and
iSrs~rs-s- -ssarssfs Their c0Mlined use also
removes blood taints. and ahaishes can
ccrous and scrotulous hunors Lhc
system.
"FayOrite Prescription is the only
medicine for women sold. by druggists.
under n positive guarantee, from the
manufacturers. that II Will give satisfar-
tinn in every case, OF money will be- re-
funded. This guarantee has been printed
on the ho'tle-wEtpper. and faithfully car
ried out for many years. Large bottles
1iG doses sl.OC, or six bottles for
$500.
- Send ten cents in stamps for DIR.
Pierces large. illustrated Treatise JlfD
pages on Diseases OF Women.
/. 663 Main Street. BUFFALO. n. ".
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

The small child is to the front again. He
had been naughty. The naughtiness Of
youth and the naughtiness of age are widely
different.
If you do that nobody will love you," the
tender mother told him
"Taint 50. know one who'll like me- he
answered
"Whor
Satan. He likes the bad ones San
Francisco Chronicle
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Judge B. with emphasis Clara. is that
fellow coming round here again tonight
Clara (hop4lesslyI-I believe SO, papa
Judge B.-Well, daughter, remember this:
This house closes at 10, sharp, and
Clara (Eastilyl-Oh, Gec::ase will be here
before that, papa; please don't worry
Harper's Bazar
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Chicago Man Ito a fellow passenger)-Have
;ou ever been in St Louis. sirs
Fellow Passenger tproudlyl-Weil should
say 50! Why, live in St Louis, stranger.
Chicago Man-Oh, 1 am glad to know that
want to stop off at st. Louis, and Ill Le
much obliged to you if you'll tell me when
we get there. l wouldn't like to be carried
blythe Epoch
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Omaha Man-Montana wants to come into
the Union, ehl
Montana Man-That's just what we're
after, and we'll make il. too
Il did not suppose Montana had enough
population"
Great Scott, We've got l ,400, 900 cattle,
loo, 600 horses, 2,oO0,Oo0 sheep and no end OF
hogS-Dmaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Thanksgiving day ought to be observed
with more genuine thankfulness this season
than usual The election is over, the base
iall season is ended, and John l.. Sullivan
hss left the country. 1t is feared, however,
That the papers will be more full Of SullivanS
daings than eyer-Norristown Herald.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Madam ito servant,-What is Miss Clara
doing in her room, Marief
Servant-She is reading a love story by
Howelis. mum.
Madam-And what did she ring forl
Servant-She warts more ccal ON the fire,
mum-New York Sun.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

JesSies teacher gave her pupils a party, TO
which little brother was invited He ate
heartily Of ice cream and cake and was
found reposing on the bench in the porch,
while the other children were at play in the
yard. When asked why he didn't join them,
he exclaimed:
''Oh, can't play, my pants choke me so!"
Youths Companion.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

A little 3-year-old Rocklander went into n
market last week, and, helping herself to
green pepper, tried TO eat it. After she had
failed the marketrnan asked her what the
matter Was with the fruit, and she replied,
between sobs, We're was humble bee in il. 1"
-Middleboro News
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Omaha Husband-The play will be half
over before We get started Hurry up.
Wife, can't find my theatre hat.
Il saw il this afternoon i'll the nursery"
The nursery! How did it get there, I
wonder"
II don't know Maybe the children were
nsing it for Ilayhouse. Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

'irandpa," inquired Johnny Bliss, mus.
everybody dier
Yes, my child Every one in this world
must die when his time comes.n
''Welr'-long pause-"what Id like to
know is, who'll bury the last manf'-Detroit
Free Press
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

"Here's box addressed to you.- said the
wife of a prominent man. Il don't think
you'd better open it, though
"Wh hat shall we do with itF'
IN tell you; Wen take it out and get the
hired girl to open it. She has lit the fire
with kerosene three times this week, and l
don't think that dynamite will hurt her
Washington Critic
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

In some st. Louis restaurants the walters
no longer bawl the orders down to tl.s
kitchen; they touch certain electric bells in
stead When n st. Louis man orders a lunch
of coffee and ham and eggs. the eggs cooked
on both sides, he will no longer be obliged to
listen to this mysterious speech: .-one in the,
dark, white wings, hog to come aspng. Ship
wreck them white wings York Tri-
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

A-What's going on over ut your house:
hear music and dancing.
B.-Ies, we have got little family cele-
bration.
What's the occasionN
lone of the boys has just got home from
the penitentiary. From the German.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

The following telegram was sent home by
a member of the Yale baseball nine
Nose broken-which do you prefer, Greek
or Roman! Telegraph answer bcfore doctor
sets il. Life
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

A Burlington teacher told one of her boys
that the next time he wrote a composition
there must be some point to it. The subject
of his next disquisition was Needles.
Burlington Free Press.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
Well, Hardly.

They are not particular about small things
m China. Recently the census takers forgot
to enumerate the population Of little
province containing 69,00O,OO of souls.
Such a thing would never have happened in
St Paul or Minneapolis.-St Paul Pioneer
Press
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
THE ACNE QUARTET.

Mr.. Az There, Mr.. Wun Lung and Mr.
Sing Lo, who sat pretty well back on the off
dde Of the upper balcony. thought that the
American play was too briof They claimed
that too much had to lie cut out in order to
play one Of our dramas at n one night stand
Altogether like this Bowery show better
than the kind We used to have on the frontier
the Alhambra, Of Cheyenne. for instance.
Nobody was shot during the evening and no
had Of the boss orchestra iddler.-Biu Nye
In New York World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Editor ito young aspirant for Jour ,lalistic
honors,-"Iou are something q = writer,
you sayf'
Young Man: ''Oh, yes, sir, 1 took second
prize at school for penmanship Epoch
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
otIi NvG At THE PLAY.


T is TO he regretted
that during the
past week 50 little
attention has been
paid by the bright
and able snuse-
nent and theatri-
cal writers of the
New York press 10
the bill rightly
presented by the
London theatre, of
this place. Ger
tainly for those
who enjoy an even
ing Of uninterrupt-
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
Newt.

Husband CONSUMED with laughter over one
Of his own jokes,-Ha, ha, ha, n-not bad, ehl
Wife-No; but, John, you ought to take il
10 the BARRIERS and have its gray whiskeTs
trimmal The Epoch.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

Mistress ito maidl-Did any one call while
I was out, Nary
Mary-Yis, mum: a young man called to
See Erld-et, the cook, an she sint wurrd up
that she wasn't at home till avenin'"-
Texas Siftings.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

A music dealer says that violin has not
improved any since ITO. The same may bs
said of the violin player who lives n,sxt door.
-NOrristown Herald
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

JOHN r. SEGAR Of NMsnbeck. Va. writes:
:. My wife had been suffering for two three
years with female weakness, and had paid
out one hundred dollars Ia physicians with
out relief. She took Dr. Picrcc's Favorite
Prescription and it did her more good than
all the medicine given to her by the phys-
'e years they had been practcing upon her"
Mrs. GEORGE HERGER, of WcSifsi'L ". y.
writes: " wis u great sufferer from lcucor-
rhes. bearing down pains. and pain contin-
ually across my back. Three bottles of your
Favorite Prescription restored me to per-
feet health. l treated with DR.. . fG
nine months. without receiving any benefit.
ription is the greatest earthly boon 10 us
m "
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26
THE LITTLE PEOPLE,
lday afternoon)-What a drefrel

Bobby Sunday afternoon What a dreirel
long. dreary day Sunday is, mother.
Mother-Why do You find it drcary,
Bobbyt
Bobby after some thoughtl-I spose it's
because pa stays home ali day.-Texas Sift-
inCS
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26


aistion another
Indifferent,
such by
his bills
treatment and complications
entirely
misery.
II i q Marvellous Cure.-Mrs. G.
i 1tIS Crystal Mich, II
L. i female weakness. eucorrhea falling ~ the
uIJ0nInR0 | womb for ! had
SVS'S"S' for good part of the time. d"crore with
OF different ply ysiCiaus and spent
OF money but received no lasting benefit Al last husband
persuaded medicines. which lOHth
becau was prudced against them and the doctors SAID
would do good. finally told husband
he would medicines. ] would
the advice He
Fayore Prescription BOTTLES Of the
dollars. l bottles Discovery of
Fayore Prescription. n
then the balance Of the medicine who
troubled cured herself
time. have not had to take medicine for almost
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-26

P
b