The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1887-12-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

must sell bad whisky.-NeW Orleans
Picayune.
1t is generally conceded that sleep
ing beauty is a nod woman.-Neso
HdUen NeIos.
A Fighter of wrongs is, as rule, even
more poorly paid than writer of
poetry.-Neto Haren News.
A messenger-boy's diary-Monday
hired; Tuesday, tired; Wednesday,
ed.-NeUart Sunday Call.
The maxim that ''heat expands and
cold contracts does not apply to coal
dealers bills.-Philade!pb,a Inquirer.
Mistress (to applicanD-And what
is your name? Applicant = Mary
Browne, mum; we spell it wild the
"e."-Ttd-B Bits.
Putting up stoves is not an agree
able task, yet strange to say, it scots
everybody who engages in it.-Btng-
hamton Republican.
Dumpsey-I understand that Bigsby
is over ears in debt. Blobson-Huh!
guess you never saw his ears.-Bur-
lington Free Press.
When you read that a millionaire
works harder than any of his clerks,
please to remember that he gets more
pay.-PhaladeLphia Call.
A man sometimes loses his balance
on an orange peeling on the pavement,
and sometimes he loses it in savings
bank.-L0utsUtLle Courier.
When you have to pay 81 an hour
for one-horse sleigh, it's easy to I'M
derstand what is meant by revenue
cutter.-Duluh Photographer.
Miss Pittsburg-Do you believe in
marriage, Miss Chicago? Miss Chicago
Why, cert! How else could we ever
have any divorces?-Iid-Bi Bits.
Giving nothing yourself and asking
others to contribute to a monument
is what might be called monumental
cheek. "-NeO Orleans Picayune.
Why is the letter '.u" like cream
cry as compared with a common
dairy? Because it makes better but
ter, you know.-Sprimgfeld Union.
Husband (dressing)-"Where in the
world are my boots, my dear?' Wife
-"On the mantelpiece where you left
them last night. "-Neao York San.
When the world was new there was
naturally an abundance of original
sin. Now wickedness of any kind is a
chestnut. Orleans Picayune.
Presence of mind is all well enough
in some cases, but when a man finds
himself in danger of freezing to death
he shouldn't try to keep too COOL
Epoch.
H. Rider Haggard will lecture in
recall its statement that he is thor
oughly original genius. - Nebraska
State Journal.
mo, l don't like Prigston, he's such
an ignoramus. "Why, that's the best
thing about him. If he knew anything,
he'd be telling it to everybody" Dos
ton transcript.
First young LADY, see that Mr.. Buff
falo Bills profits in London amounted
to 10000. Second young lady-Yes,
and think, too, of his position in So
ciety.-Tid-B Bits.
The dead elephant Alice was dis
sected at Hartford and 800 pennies
being found in her stomach, it is be
lieved she had started a monument
fund. Omaha Bee,
Only rich man can afford to use
coal-gas as means of suicide nova
days. His poor neighbor must con-
tent himself with the plebeian rope
Baltimore american.
1t was nip and tuck with Rhode
Island girl and her pa whether she
should bring dude son-in-law into
the family, but finally Pawtucket.-
Duluth Photographer.
1t it an Irishman who defines a rich
man as a man who bites off more than
he can chew, and a poor man as man
who chews more than he can bite off.
-NeaO York Tribune.
The value of diamonds depends upon
circumstances. Usually the ace is
worth the most, but sometimes the
ten-spot has twice its value.-DaUen-
port Democrat Gazette.
''It's queer how some people make
money" remarked one travelling man
to another. "Yes; | suppose you re-
fer to the counterfeiters, was the re-
joinder Merchant TraelEer.
Old lady(on her way to church,
Don't you know, little boys, that it's
wicked to play ball Sunday?"-"W
amt playin' we're only practicin' for
termorrows game. "-Nelo York Sun.
81 say, old man, can you lend me
tenner?" mo; you remember what
Shakespeare says: "A loan oft loses both
itself and friend" Yah! You can
go to-a nunnery! I've had enough
of you. "-Neoo York Sun.
Counsel Ito witness)-Is it possible,
Uncle 'Rastus, that you would swear
to what you know is not the truth for a
single paltry dollar?" Uncle 'Rastus
Gndignantly)-"No, sab; de gemman
guy me s.. "-Harper's Bazaar.
With a high appreciation of great
and interesting truth, Elizabeth Stuart
Phelps remarked: 1.-The sweetest song
is that no poet has begun" And, as
a general thing. the sweetest poet is he
who has begun no song.-Ne,o York
World.
Sister Clara entertaining young
Mr.. Featherly)-Why do you ask me,
Bobby, if was at the market yester-
dayP You know very well l was not.
Bobby heard Mr.. Featherly say
something about your being in the
market.-NeU York Sun.
AS soon as you forget to pay a man
small sum you owe him tell him so
and he will be satisfied. 1t is the put
ting off and putting off of such pay
ments and not telling the man you
have forgotten it that makes him mad.
-New Orleans Picayune.
Patent agent-Pve got just the thing
you want. l. is a book-holder, and
- German professor-Vell. don't
want him: l vos hold onto my books
poody veil. Vat l want ish a padent
ash will pring back dot books vat vas
borrowed from me.-Harper's Bazar.
A young lady insists that it isn't the
pathos of the acting at the theatre that
makes her cry. but the soulful Sob
bing of the violins. She may be right.
1t is certain that nothing will make