The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1887-08-20
A Warning to Candidates.

w
stretch, but we will so designate
nlm. He poured this sorrowful story
"a the ear of an attentive and sym.
pathetic listener:
s. mo, sir; I'll never run for Office
again, SAID Mr.. Stretch. "You know
when they came and asked me if I'd
Accept nomination in the Legisla-
fure they told me that the whole
community wanted me to run and
that L was certain to be elected be-
nanse | was man whose character
was so good that nobody could find
inult with it. / thought so myself,
and agreed to run, and accordingly
they nominated me, Well, sir, the
Fry next mornings Arg,ts come out
With an assertion that l had been
detected in stealing chickens, and it
gave a full history of the case, to-
gether with pictures of the chickens,
and, after darkly limiting that since
abandoning chicken stealing | had
been continually engaged in other
forms of robbery, it asked ifthe people
of This State wanted to see a chicken
thief making laws for them. And
the mischief of it was that did hook
couple Of chickeIs from my grand
mothers coop when | was a small
boy but how'n the thunder they eyer
found it out beats me. 1t was fifty
two years ago.
"Now, look at mynose! 1t amt
much OF a nose for beauty, is it? l
know well enough that it's crooked
But nobody ever alluded to it until |
was nominated, and then the Argus
said that there was tradition that |
had my nose mashed around sideways
during my career as a Prize fighter,
although some people insisted that |
had run it hard against a door while
[ was drunk. And then all the illus
trated papers in the State began to
publish pictures of me with a nose
like The jib-sheet of an oyster sloop.
only twisted around sideways and
one Of them said that when | sneezed
on the front porch the concussiCn ac-
ted ike boomerang and blew the
back door open.
"And then they tackled me about
my war record. You know was out
with the militia. And the Argus
published a letter from a man who
said that during the battle of Get
tysburg / was hid in a refrigerator
in cellar in the town, pretending
that l was ordered there to mount
guard over some rations of cold beef
And the Argus asserted that the only
man9uYre | was ever good at was
falling back that whenever the enc
my was expected to be approaching !
always made a beeline for Nova ScO-
tia, and never turned up until after
the fight but once, and then we were
surprised, and | fred my musket so
wildly that | shot our Colonel in the
leg and surrendered to an Irishman
who belonged to our own regiment
and who came up to me to borrow a
plug of tobacco. To tell the truth |
wasn't much of fighting man, but
how in the mischief they found out
about that refrigerator gets me.
Awful, isn't it? L wouldn't have
minded it SO much only they got up
poster and stuck 1t around the
streets and headed it "Stretch's War
Record, and put on it picture of me
with monstrOus lopsided nose sit
ting inside that refrigerator gnaWing
at bone out of the roast beef.
"And then, as the campaign went
along, they accused me of having
deliriatm hene'aS of beating my wife;
of wiping my nose on my sleeve; OF
robbing a bank; of selling my dead
aunt to medical college and OF
holding the doctrine that the whale
didn't swallow Jonah, and that when
Moses crossed the Red Sea he padded
over in boat. The Argus said that
If my wife dared to tell how | treated
her the community would be filled
with horror, but anybody might see
for themselves, who would notice
that her back hair was all thinned
out. And it said that | had a wer
on my leg that untitled me for active
duty anyhow, even if / had not for
felted all claim to public confidence
by turning my grandfather out o
doors when he was dying of con
sumption, and then setting my dog
on him and making the aged mar
roost in mulberry tree on the cold
est night last winter for fear of being
eaten up.
People began to avoid me on thu
streets. The general impression pre-
Vailed that 1 was a desperate anC
hardened william, L might haye stooC
that, but YOU know the way they lev