Crawford avalanche. (Grayling, Mich.) 1879-19??, 1887-06-23
THE SOCIETY YOUNG MAN.
BY EDWARD WARREN.

Here we have something that is not un-
worthy of measure Of scientific investiga-
ton. This specimen was readily captured,
as he is O native of the surface. 1t does
not require subsoiling to penetrate to his
sphere. He is O sort OF human bubble,
floating on tho surface. II is impossible
for him to dive under the outside of things.
The exception to this rule Is paternal
or maternal pocketbook, or merchant
tailor's confidence. Despite the indica-
tions, he is supposed to have a small por-
ton Of mental faculty like folks, but if he
has brains they become useless from in
nocuous desuetude. His species rarely
die with the brain-fever or contract bald
headedness from oyermental exercise. If
he becomes bald at any stage Of his exist
ence, Il results either from the extreme
poverty of the soil where the hair is plant
| ed, or is produced by too much friction OF
the comb and brush.
This specimen is thought by some, to he
| q sort of soft-soldered connecting link be-
| tween man and the dude. with inclination
and tendencies all toward the latter. He
is not as rare as some other specimens of
my collection. They do not cost much.
The regular market rate is low. This one,
like most of his class. is great admirer OF
the ladies and himself. He is q devotee OF
| uIcbb, anu uOtcb OD SAuob1 WhlNh hO AC-
nominates tho bon-ton of society. He be-
lieves in tho theory that dress makes the
man. He estimates men and women by
the clothes they wear. Brains are rather O
superfluity than an essential element.
The society young mans anatomical de-
lineation is about as follows: The head is
classed as physical supernumerary, yet II
is handy on which to exhibit the latest
style OF hat. 1t Is also convenient loca-
ton for it, as the only practical use there is
for hat is to be tipped to the ladies. The
neck Is useful, if long, as 1t serves, with
some degree of admiration, as round,
perpendicular structure about which to
place n collar, an Indispensable piece OF O
society mans attire. In fact, society man
could hardly get along without neck.
Then the body was evidently designed, by
benefcent providence, for clothes, the
leg attachments serving the purpose OF To-
comotion to carry them around for public
exhibition. III clothier's dummy could be
given automatic power, il would mako N
good a society man as this specimen, and
} very probably better.
The merchant tailors and laundrymeI
all know this young man. Sometimes they
, know him better than they would like to
He usually pays for his clothes, however
when he has the money. When his none.
| runs out ne IeSOTtS I'd CTeuis lhlb GA
. hausts very rapidly, when he draws checks
on his cheek. This bank lasts longer, al
it is botter supplied with funds. He Il
+ gifted, by nature, with the faculty of ac-
cumuIating sight of appearance for th,
I amount of capital he has TO invest. Will
} all these faults he is self-sacrifcing, anC
would surrender good meal for button
} hole bouquet any day in the week.
I This young man is of little use OF
practical nature. ot home or elsewhere, foi
that matter. His home life is ordinaril,
devoted 10 O more or less laborious strug
> gle with rebellous collars and cuffs. Th'
amount of labor thus expended, If proper.
! ly directed, would accomplish wonders
. | Then he has several other troubles thu
D serve to furnish him q vast amount of per
ploxity. The parental solicitude with whicl
he watches over and tenderly nurtures
I pale. imbecile mustache is worthy of
. nobler aim and object.
Sometimes this society young man en-
counters an affinity in one of his specie
D of the opposite sex. In all such cases IN
father law mas one addition to his fam
ily. He is frequently put to bis wits en-
G 10 know what TO do with him. Rare case
/, of this nature have been reported wher
4 the society young man, after marriage, re
Q forms and makes moderately goo
hostler.-Chica0o Ledger,