Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-01-27
WIT AND HUproR.

AZ utAtto nov luc fDuDuS Is
headed What to Wear We know
what to wear now without reading it.
1t is winter clothes. - f.usburg Chron-
fcie
A great scarcity of the very small
coins is reported. We are afraid tho
heather have got all The very small
coins by this time. burlington Free
Press.
If at the last day every one has to an
swer for every idle word spoken on
earth it will take eternity for the society
girl to file all her answers. -AetO HdDen
NeDs
A good many fables begin "Once on
a time Oddly enough. too, when
married men have been once on a time
they are apt to invent fables. - Somer-
Uiite Jourad'.
Next 10 trying to catch the ear Of a
deaf man. the hardest thing in the
world is to convince yourself that you've
caught the attention of a cross eyed wo-
man. Charleston Enterprise.
The difference between journalist
and newspaper man Is that the for
mer writes with pearl-handled gold
pen and the latter with anything be can
get hold of.--Aea0 Haven NetCs.
''Reggy, darling. when we
are married you will not smoke in the
house. will your" Reggy mo, love.
the fellows will expect me at the club.
you know" Still, Emma is not happy.
Life.
He-And did you see Monte Carlo?
She-No. Papa called on him | be-
lieye, but from his disappointed appear
ance when he got back TO the hotel |
think Mr. Carlo must have been cut
lid BITS.
A Nashville astronomer has discover
ed comet with three tails. We re-
member Nashville as place where even
the newspaper fellows each had demi-
john of whisky by the side of his desk
Lol0eH Citizen.
20, Clara" said Maud, "Charley
took me sleigh-riding last night had
such fun. drove" What was the
matter with CharIcy?r Stupid! He
couldn't drive with his teeth. could heP"
IN. Y. sun. h
When the small boy reaches tho
dentists to have tooth removed mis-
toothacne departs. Would that u wo-
mans ache for bonnet would fly as
quickly and positively on reaching the
modesto .-iUck.
First minister's Wicklow glad am
to see you. Has your husband parish
now? Second dnto-O. yes; he is
preaching in Brooklyn now. First-Is
that so? Well, do hope thoy will ac-
quit him. -Ncso Hdcen NeUs.
Helm awfully glad to be able to
offer you an umbrella. Mrs. Hauterive.
She-You'rc very kind, Mr.. Seller. |
shall take great pleasure in returning it
to my husband. lie left it at the club
last night. Won know. lid BITS.
1t is repeated. with all details, that
the Gar did Kill Count de Rcutern. He
entered the Counts room, saw him
smoking cigar. and instantly shot
him dead. He must have been smok-
inga tivc-ccnt cigar.-AeW HaUen NeaoS.
II hope, my dear. that you don't in
tend TO gu TO The heater aione?" mo,
indeeh reyrr go unless am chaper-
oned" "Unlcss what?' Chap On
That's just the way with me; lalways
like to have Il c!raa around. "--Harpsr's
Bdzar.
ID, you know. my friend" said the
temperance man. solemnly, "what il
costs YOU Ia dr K whisky. 1t costs
your health. character. home. happi-
ness Yes. by jines! and it costs
me 81 gallon besides. That's the wust
of il. Doston Courier
'And what's become of George Tul-
lver?" asked one old friend of another.
in reviewing the days of their youth.
Poor fellow. hear that he came to a
oad cndr' IAN. yes" replied the
friend; "a very bal end. George went
up behind a mule. "-!Eck.
Clerk lin fashionable uptown bakery
to propricior) Tina, tray of American
soda biscuits in the window. sir. mas
been there for three weeks, ami they
are getting sour. What shall do about
itP Proprietor Label them English tea
mullins. ittts6qrg Dispatch.
The ministers are almost unanimous
IN saying that the ballet must go said
travelling man. YES. one of them
went to see an opera with ballet at
tachment and was terribly shocked"
Poor man! | guess ne never attended
q full-,iress reception. p" - Merchant
7rGueier
If you were going 20 lay in $1,000
worth of wine, who would you 30 TOP"
he asked Of the barkecprr of an up
town hotel. 80 any OF the manufac-
turors of DO ua liquor" You wouid?'
Certainty; hat line only WAY you can
be sure Of what you have rot. - Hal
street NclcS.
Young husband Isn't there some
thing peculiar ahou tl.; taste OF these
onions, my dear? Young wife (auxious-
ly)-O, hope mol. dear took such
pains with them even sprinkled
them with jockey club before put them
70 boil 10 taka away the unpleasant
odor. ~. ]. ran.
Simpson We'll. Mnggins. how's
business?" Muggins (oar artis) 10.
ripping! Got :, commission this morn
ing from Il Clergyman. Wants his chill
drcn painted vcry badv" Simpson
with that pl, SAINT WAY of his)-"Well.
my boy. You're the very man for the
job" They don't speak now.-Judy.
1--we iecon" quite Interested in that
poor man. said Il philanthrophic old
lady to the Sheriff as size pointed TO one
OF the prisoners. ''llo tells me would
be surprised ii knew all he bad gone
II .ueSs vUG would. mum.
said the Sheriff; 'fhat fellow is the
most expert pickpoyket in the country"
Uncle Jack (from whom Bob has ex-
pectations) VERY enjoyable. Bob.
Wish didn't live SO far away so that
| could have the pleasure of dropping
in TO have snack with you and Mary
oitener.h Bob-"Quite so, But then, /
my dear uncle. the less frequent your
visits are the more we appreciate them"
Fun.
Its no use talking. old man; she
has Tilted me. and | have nothing to
live for / might just as well be out OF
the world now" Tut, tut, my dear
boy! Don't go and do anything despe-
rate" Yes. will; I've got an invita-.
ton from some people ut Orange to go
tobogganing and | shall accept 1t. -"
7oscn Topics
A lawyer in New London county,
Connecticut while eloquently arguing
a case Of great interest. is said to have
used the following beautiful phraseology:
"When this slauder. gentlemen of the
jury, reaches the ear OF the strong arm
of the law, it will kick away every OBJ
stacle and with its lips declare. No,
sir. no, Stree, sir. "