The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-06-04
ADVICE TO BILL NYE.
gTeNas SlflinsS TGNAS SFrtNGS SANTUM, ! NEw YoRK, tSSs.

NEw ToRN, iSss.
 10 R1llsosa Nyv, Neee issk,
 MY DEAR But: am glad to lCarn that you have located permanently In New York. No doubt the taxpayers of your former residence will be hys- terically hilarious over yonr rcmovAl to this city. Nothing retaNis the growth ot small town aS nuch as a live humorist, New York Is largc and can stand great deal. have lived here thrce years my self,
 New York Is the grat literary center of the United States, and de>erve,ily so, for there are lots of places herr a good square meal can be obtained for a quarter,
 New York presents fine large field for the study of human mturc. Good bnttermilk in summer only costs twelve cents a gallon. And then think of the historic memories that cluster around the loplly Hudson. In warm weather you cau go to Goey Island and back and drink two glasses of bter while you aN thcre, all for tiny cents.
 Having had scvCral wears cNpericnce in New York, it k my duty to give you somc good advice. No doubt Nou would prefer a cigar ar some lsser, but l know what is best for Vour system Cigars and beer cost money. Advice don't.
 As soon aS vour address l. know n You will hc the recipient of tlatteriug attentions from New York merchants They will rnd you cinulars contain ing the prirr> of their goods aud in Vitc Vuu to call during business hours some ot them belong ta the old Dutch families who first settled New York
 1T the andcrhil> invite you Ia dine with them, Tor heavens N,kr don't eat pie with Nour knife. tor it will remind them ot the old man and his primitive ways.
 Bv the way, rad iu recently published work an etiquette that soup k eaten with spoon If while out in the S,gr brush YOU have acquired the habit of eating soup with fork or a eart ing knife, try and wean yourself ot the habit or You will never gct your muc in the New York t76r directory
 If, while in New York. You propose tn use toud to sustain animal life. shun the deadly boarding housr There arr two kinds uf New York boarding houses. la the ouo Nau get nothing to eat Thi- Is the siiest kind to pat roni1c, provided there is restaurant in the vicinity Boarding house coffee |, good for thc liver, a- ihr doc tors say real coffee inure, tho liver No liver k injured in New York boarding house.
 Al first Nuu will mol like some thing, in New York The ticket sellers al the elevated stations. seeing that Vuu are a stranger. will shove lcid nickcl~ on on Nou in change You will moi discover the fraud until subsequently,. and then you will ral- iIc that while misery has many bitter moments. thc iir~i awakening from a great sorrow l. the one of it- most utter agony. If you go back and ask the ticket seller tu give you good nickel he will toboggan yoi down the stairs into the street Hold on to th" plugged nickel and -hoot 1t int" th" fare box nt bnhtail ear. or contrib utc it to the missionary fund
 l am not quite sure that you will like the climate of New York In winter the principal u~r you will have for your lower eNtrcmitics will hc to hand paint their fantastic curves with iodine for rhctiuaii-m Console yourself with the thought that lral misfortune. deliver us, while they last, from the petty dcspoti-ns of all that are imaginary \ rng dipped in solution of -altpetre and wrapped around the rlieunnticky limb also furnishes relief
 In summer yon don't have rhcuma- ii-m, a- malaria has to have its turn. You can't have both at once, which is great climatic advantage. Ton will suffer kccnly. but remember that he who suffers kccnIy has the greatest capacity for enjoyment Rochelle salts in barge daily doar. vii al-o mi, !. igate your suiicrings.
 However, don't bc discouraged it is not too late for you to get the spring pncumonia. Nobody who Qcts that in New York i- ever troubled after wards with rheumatism or malaria.
 Your friend and fellow sufferer,
 ALEx -wLET.