davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Sturgis advertiser. (Sturgis, Dakota [S.D.]) 1887-1???, 1887-12-14
Episcopal Church.

The erection OF Il church building for
tho Episcopal denomination will be ac-
complished at an early day beyond a
doubt. Bishop Hare returned east
Monday evening, with the intention Of
sending pastor to this place to take
charge Of the work. Quite a comfort
able sum has already been subscribed
for the support Of a minister.
Tho bishop stated that if the people
Iof this vicinity, interested IN the build
ling of church of this denomination,
would erect the building, that he would
guarantee donation Of $500 as soon as
| it was ready for occupancy, and would
| also negotiate loan Of from five to six
hundred dollars at per. cent interest
payable in 800 installments an
Inually. This is liberal proposition,
and no donbt but this people will push
the enterprise to a successful terminus
ton.
Sturgis advertiser. (Sturgis, Dakota [S.D.]) 1887-1???, 1887-12-14
For sale,

100 acres Of land in Boulder Park, vol
improved and under cultivation, Also
residence property and several town lots
| in Sturgis, for sale cheap.
Il. F. HALL.
Sturgis advertiser. (Sturgis, Dakota [S.D.]) 1887-1???, 1887-12-14

Y IL you have never shaved at Atdrich's
tonsorial parlors, you have missed one Of
the greatest blessings bestowed upon
man. Try him.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

Not far from Bradford, England, an old
couple lived on their farm. The good man
had been ill for some time when the practi-
toner who attended him advised that a ply
sician should lie summoned from Bradford for
a consultation. The doctor came, looked into
the caSe, gave his opinion, and descending
from the sick room TO the kitchen, was there
accosted 10y the woman with: We'll, doctor,
what's your charge!" My fee is guinea {"
a guinea-doctor! \ guinea! And if ye
come again will be another guinea." "Yes. "
a guinea, doctor. Heck!" The Old woman
ros.', went up stairs to her husbands bedroom,
and the doctor, who waited below, heard her
say: He charges guinea And if he comes
again, it'll be another guinea. Now what do
You sayi' The feeble voice Of the sick man
was lost on the doctor, but there was no mis-
taking the energetic tones of his wife as she
answered: If | were ye III say no. like u
Britoner, snd I'd die first. Boston Pilot.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
Saved by a Bluff.

Lord O., an Englishman, was a very
rough and imperious man, also quite deaf
He was riding along one day in post chaise,
asleep, when he was stopped by a robber on
horseback, who awoke him. what DO you
wantT said Lord O., angrily. Money,
my lord What money! Are you rob
bert Are YOU the rascal who has Just awoke
me SO suddenlyi' Come, be quick" said the
highwayman; Il have no time to lose;
must have your purse" My pursem ex-
claimed Lord O.; indeed, you shall not
have it. Really, you carry on a fine trade ~
He pulled out his purse, which was full and
with his finger and thumb deliberately took
out two guineas, which he gave to the rob
Der. There, that's enough for scoundrel
like you; hope to see you hanged some Of
these days" Lord O. coolly put up his
purse, still calling him a rascal and scoun-
drel, and repeating that le hoped 10 see him
Hanged soon. The robter was so much awed
by the others manner that he did not venture
to insist on his demand for the purse, though
he had pistol in his hand to enforce it, and
Lord O drove on-New York Star.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
No Time to Enjoy the Race.

Billy" Emerson, the minstrel, tells with
e1cruciating mimicry the story of how he
took Ben Cotton To see a quarter of mile
race in Sacramento. The horse was one Of
those big animals that can 60 like the wind
for quarter of mile, but are no good for a
greater distance. The race was against time,
and was set for 10 o'clock in the morning
Ben demurred strongly. because they had 10
be called at : in order to catch the train to
reach there in tina. The weather was very
warm, and the two minstrels reached the
track a few minutes before the race began,
Billy all enthusiasm over the horse and Ben
putting and blowing between each expostula-
tory word They talked tor little together,
when suddenly Billy threw up his hat and
cbeerei with several hundred others
"What do you think Of that" he asked Ben,
triumphantly.
what do think of whati" said Ben, who
was pulling at cigar.
The race" answered Billy. Didn't you
see it,"
Il didn't see anything" replied Cotton.
That's a - of race. A man turns bis
head to spit and its all over Chicago News.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
THE COUNTERSIGN.

His Honor Recognized tn. sign of .
Brother in Distress and Made Another.
He was a bearded man and his breath was
redolent with C.cves and gin. Once upon a
time he had endeavSred 10 tram his hair into
pompadour and partially succec,led. But
only partially, for oue-half stood up like
dndying Truth while the rest pointed to all
directions of the marine compass He wore
a winning smile and evidently intended To
captivate his bon0r with a glance But his
honor wasn't TO he captivated and the pris-
oner soon found ii out. Then he started off
on new tack Laying down his hat softly
he slowly elevated his right hand to his ear
and bowed three times solemnly. Then he
laid his left hand ON his stomach and his right
hand ON his head and began working them
circularly. His honor put on his glasses and
looked down solemnly at the prisoner. That
individual stepped backward three PAGES
three more 10 the left and back again. de-
scribing triangle. In a low voice he whis-
pered:
Brother, do YOU recognize the hailing
sign9"
His honor nodded and turned over a leaf on
the docket. The man at the bar then tapped
his forehead three time. and elevated his
arms over his head, saving: The signal of
distress, brother" The court merely bowed.
cit will be all right, thenf' cheerily asked the
prisoner. Il suppose | can 60. And say,
brother, can't you advance brother fifty
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19


"why, isn't that the sweetest poetryi
It's
INV good wom-I mean my dear lady, YOU
are very kind to say so, but you've made me
forget how | intended To finish the last line y
The plump and widowed mass of feminin-
ity looks at him with an aggrievej expression
In her mauve eyes.
Il should think if it was something nice
about ME you wouldn't forget it so easily"
But poor Beuder is rummag ging among the
-ecesSes of his poetic brain for the last line,
which he has concocted, but lost in the YER
bal shuttle.
1T was something that rhymed with years
let's see-ears, sneers, spears, tears, fears,
lsers, beers--oh, pshaw, can't get it!r
"Whats the matter with that husband of
minei He looks as if he was going TO have a
fit, What's the matter, hubby dear''
1t is Mrs BIender No one else, the reader
has doubtless observed, would have used such
endearing language.
"Theres nothing the matter with him; he
is only composing poetic sediment-senti-
ment, | meant-he meant-oh, you know
what | mean
Whereupon Mrs. Splice reads the three
quarters Of a verse that has been dedicated
&c her.
Cant remember what the last line is, eh r
remarked Mrs Bender, solemnly. The
omission is the one redeemiEg point about
that production. Seventy-five per cent. of
that sort of stuff is about as much as any Or
binary mortal can stand in one day Just
sign your name to that and then go into the
kitchen and grind the coffee. Chicago Her
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

Kind friends carIe from everywhere TO ask
me if it hurt much, and in a thousand differ
ent ways showed their gentle desire to draw
me into a spirited conversation. A doctor
came down from the Insanitarium to set the
leg. and tied his horse to little sugar maple
tree that set out last spring. When he puts
i'll his bill for medical attendance he will be
surprised 10 find an offset of eighty cents for
that tree. | NAV be slightly crippled, but
YOU can announce in your valuable paper
that there are no flies on HE to speak of
While spread out here with nothing 10 do
my mind has been quite active, and l have
had drawn off for me the following outlines
of a will, which send you inclosed herewith
Please read and return" as il says on the
Bible rack on board the cars:
Know all men by these presents, that l, the
subscriber, being of sound mind and realizing
that am now under the doctors care, and
therefore may lie swept into eternity any
moment, do hereby make, execute and pub
lsh this my last will and testament firmly by
these presents:
Fust-I hereby appoint my beloved wife
Heuriette 10 lie my sole executrix, assignee
and receiver of nv entire estate, with full
powers TO pay taxes on said estate forever,
and to have and to hold the same 50 long as
grass grows and water runs together with
such other and further relief as the court may
adjudge
Second-I hereby request that the red horse
Napoleon be sold snd the proceeds thereof
USED toward defraying my funeral expenses.
provided that the sum of SIS therefrom be
set aside for the purpose of maintaining a
large, aggressive bulldog, whoee duty it shall
4. =.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

cents to relieve his immediate necessitiesf T.
His honor took off his glasses and asked:
Mr.. Beboe. recognize your signals, etcetera,
but l cannot for the life of me recollect the
order; so many, you know"
Il am surprised, brother, greatly sur
prised, remarked the prisoner. Il never
knew candidate who ever forgot mis- initia-
tion into the United Order of Benevolent Sons
of Good Fellowship of the Temple of Solo
mDn," and he gave the hailing sign with EN-
bellishments
"Ah, YES; | had il mixed up with the An
cient Order of Old Billygoats," exclaimed his
honor. DO YOU recognize this sign, brotherl r
and he dipped his pen in the red ink and held
it up"
At isn't in the ritual. is itl" asked the pris-
oner. as he rubbed his head.
at means, Mr.. Bebee, that the court has
dropped onto your little racket sternly re-
piled his honor. Then picking up blotter,
he waved it in a circle and said: Does this
sign seem familiar TO YOU"
Don't recollect it, meekly responded the
accused
We'll, as l interpret it. it means that
you get three months. Now give the part
ing sign to the Most Worthy Tier and Mas
ter of the Guard at the door and pass down. "
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
All There Is About Cows.

Here is Laura's scomposition on the COW: a
COW is an animal with four legs on the under
side. The tail is longer than the legs, but it's
not used to stand on The COW kills flies with
her tail. A COW has big ears that wriggle on
hinges; so does the tail A cow is bigger than
a calf, but not as big as an elephant She is
made small SO she can 60 in the barn door
when nobody is looking. Some cows are
black and some hook A dog was hooked
once. She tossed the dog that worried the
cat that killed the rat. Black cows give
white milk; SO does other cows. Mlkmen
sell milk TO buy their little girls dresses,
which they put water in and chalk. Cows
chew cuds aud each COW finds its own chew
This Is all there is about cows.-Wide Awake
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

Way'lown Bebee submitted his report on
poems, all composed lay colorcd people The
subjects We're classified as follows:
Spring. Fall, Winter,
Old Year, New Year. Last Year,
Love, Thunder, Women.
Upon critical examination the poetic COM
poems were stolen more or less bodily from
Longfellow. SAKE, Moore, etc These were at
once sold by the pound for the benefit Of the
relief fund of the club. or the remaining five
poems three We're rejected for faulty rhythm
and another was found to have been sub
mittej last year The one taking the prize
was composed 10y Col SNOWFALL johnson, Of
Alabama MY Heart is Ever Sad" The
first verse runs aS follows:
In de good ole long ago, way down in Tennessee,
! had a leetle cabin hy de hill:
An when de day was done, an my chil'en came
tome,
Oar was JOY an happiness 'nuff to kill
CHoRUs
But de chilleE all am gone an de cabins torn
away,
An my dear ole wife am sleepih' meath de sod
An Tze trabblin' all alone on de weary path Of
life,
An my limbs am CROWN weaker as plod
The prize is g. gold piece, and for fear
that the winner might be tempted to spend il,
a couple of holes were punched in the coin
Detroit Free Press.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
LOVES SOLITUDE AND SOCIETY.

Wnsn must ~ into the turmoil rude
OF worldly men and ways, cbcerily CO.
Since am there as one that hath nu fee
Bat moves in sylvan peace where boughs ex-
cIula
The too herce sun and paths with leaves are
strrwc,i
And hinl-Sou-ht brooks in shady stiffness fow-
i need not shun the turmoil, since know
That Love al make 'pr me sweet solitude
And Il into exile must br sent
Let me not crI.vr: the Fate's commanding lips
l Hiss, and take my way without a fear,
II iltle desert must pitch my tent.
Love hath within itself all feliowships
Is friends and home and r, and pIenteous cheer
Atlantic Monthly
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

dust shall be of no use 10 science. 1t is my
desire that my executriX shall so maintain
said bulldog hereinbefore set forth in order
that pimply young medical students may not
make too free with all that is mortal OF a
superior man. II is my special desire that no
part Of my anatomy shall contribute in any
way to science or to the amusement of a class
OF sore eyed goslins, who cannot get near
enough to a live man TO operate on him
| desire TO state also that hope whatever
may he odd or eccentric or abnormal about
my formation may lie generously allowed 10
pull oblivion over itself and fade away do
not wish to be perpetuated in the form of q
fatty tnInor or oeseous formation Let NV
good deeds be my only monument Let the
post mortem IN my case be omitted and the
time lie taken up in some other way
! request also that at my funeral the free
list lie suspended and that those only who
have personal Interest in the proceedings be
permitted u take part Persons who make
the funeral industry a business or rely upon
il as means Of relaxation are requested to alb
stain from my funeral as a personal favor to
me-
| give and bequeath. make over and pre-
sent to my beloved wife Henriette, all and
singular. my real and personal property aside
from said horse Napoleon, heretofore enumer-
ated and set aside for funeral purposes. to
have and to hold all said property during her
lifetime and after that the said real and per
sonal property TO pass TO my beloved son.
Henry, who is engaged in publishing
paper at 81 year. To said beloved
son, Henry, / also bequeath all my
wardrobe. | have worn out his old lawn
tennis and polo clothes while he was attending
college, using his boating and baseball suits
for undertaking during the winter, and
now that | am about 10 pass on ] leave nv
own clothing to him as a slight testimonial of
my appreciation for his kindness to me when
j had no polo suit CT my own. | also direct
that an obituary, consisting of forty lines,
relative TO me be printed in my sons paper,
eodGt, al 10 cents per line, TO follow pure
reading matter, for which the sum of S2i will
be found in an old sock in NV escritoire in the
t.arn. do not care for the obituary, but de-
sire 10 aid painting, struggling enterprise.
II Is also my desire that all my debts con
trarted during life be paid up after my death
MY object III dying is not in any way to
evade the payment Of my debts.
may add to this will, from time 10 time.
as ANYTHING good suggests itself In the
mean time, let me hear from YOU ever and
anon. Tell US how you come on with your
new paper, and whether you have contribut-
ed any more Of your thumbs TO your new job
press or not Respectfully, your father, Bill
Nye.-New York World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

county IaIrS, morse races aha wrestling
matches, and having more or less to do in the
harvest field and around cider mills. 1t is
disputed point whether the wasp can bite
harder than the bulldog, hut the weight of
opinion is in favor of the wasp. He seems %
be mad about something all the time, and it
doesn't make any difference whether his vic
tim is the babe iii the cradle OF the father in
the harnyard. Five months Is the average
life Of the wasp, and he is heard from about
as often any other insect on the pro
gramme. Detroit Free Pres
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

little darky's mother had given strict
injunctions against his whistling in the house,
and any infraction of law was followed
by condiGn punishment. One day he came
in with his mouth frishtfully on the pUcker
from eating his first green persimmons, and
his mother saw him.
Min what Ise been tellin' you, chile
Doan You dab fo' 10 whistle 'roun' heah,-
she screamed.
whistle Iuffin.' he piped in reply Il
spec I'se pizeI od. w ashington Critic.
His First Patient.
A physician who now stands very high in
his profession tells with great enjoyment OF
his iirS. visit 50 a patient, and its amusing re-
suit: MY diploma and well filed medicine
case and s. in cash comprised my earthly
possessions when / landed in B., then
small, new town in n western state.
Renting n small, furnished room, printed
my name III bold black letters on n piece Of
pasteboard, and put it in one of the windows
that opened upon the main street of the
town. Then | was ready for patients. But
the people seemed diScoUragingly healthy,
end the outlook was not promising.
1T was three weeks before ! had a call
Then there came to the door an elderly, angu-
lar woman, who asked:
"'Ba YOU the doCkF
~ am replied, looking as wise and dig
nified as a man could who had been called
dock
"She then said that her old man was
'ailin' somewheres,' and asked me to go and
discover if | could what was the matter of
him.
Ia col hat
tie with greater anxiety than went forth TO
meet my first patient. | cannot to this day
account for the nervousness that possessed
me. Nv knees literally shook as l entered
the room in which my patient lay.
Making an effort to look WISE and trying
har,i to affect the manner of All experienced
physician, said:
" Put out your putse'
Realizing the mistake / had made, and
maGnifying it into most horrible one, |
made matters worse by saying:
No, | meant let NE feel of your tongue ;
The SEX man, puzzled, and probably
doubtful of my sauity, added to my CON
fusion by asking:
"'What ferr
Oh, it was only a little slip of the
tonguer | said, with what must have been a
ghastly smile Are You very sickP
That's what want You to find QUIT said
the patient.
"Oh, yes; to be sure' | managed to say
Then / Went through the usual formula,
gaining little in self-confidence, but was not
greatly elated as you may judge, when the
man, eying me keenly, said on my de-
parture:
'GIpen hand at the bzness, amt youl l
guess You don't know as much as you think
you do
Il did not seem TO myself to know as much
Us tho'ght | did Youths Companion.
Society is aptIy described in New York as
"a vast aggregation OF newcomers. some OF
whom viii never have their names in the di.
rectorY."
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
COST NOTHING.
Story Of Man who Ate Himself Sick
because Another Paid for II.

because Another Paid for II.
/ A curious looking old fellow, dressed in
| gray "homespun," was found lying in an
alley. When questioned by some one be
/ turned over with a groan and said:
Go on away from here, now, and let me
die"
-Why do YOU want to dief'
! "Becauso am blamed fool"
"Comr, get up; that's no excuse"
YES, it is. Go on away, ] tell y GU, and let
me die
Haven't you been drinking"
"NO, hain't techcd n drap. Go on away
and let me die, tell you. \ man that amt
got no more sense than | have amt fitten to
live. Its dangerous for him 10 walk about. !"
Come, tell me what YOU did"
With an effort and another groan he raised
up leaned back against the wall and said:
If ] tell you will you 90 on away'
ayes"
"Wall, I'll go yo whuther or no. Early
this mOrnin' | come inter town an met a fel-
Ter that knowed. He asked me to go round
an take breakfast with him. | had dun eat
breakfast, but as it wasn't no expense to me
l concluded that it wouldn't do 20 let the
vidults go to waste, so | went with him.
eat a long handled shovel full NV butter
cakes and drunk four cups NV coffee, argyin'
all the time that it want costiu me n thin
Airter got through went knockin' round
an putty soon met a Teller that eat dinner
with me while he was a candidate last sum
mer. He said that it was gcttin' putty well
along in the day, but that If I'd 20 round
home with him he'd skeer up some breakfast.
| started to say no, but ricollectin how he alto
at nv table, | went with him On the way
he got lot NV theSe here great long sausages
Wall, / stored away about two pounds NV
them sausages, eat about my hatful Of bis
cults an drunk three cups of coffee. By
this time ! was putty well filed up, bu.
shortly afterwards one NV the buys that lives
out my way told me that he had found a s,a-
loon whar they put out a whole lot NV vid-
ults an let people eat all they wanted to, so,
a. it didn't cost nothin'. went round let
in on a big dish NV sour potatoes an raw
cabbage, an made myself at home After
got through with that | went to dinner W th
a feller because it didn't cost me ANYTHING.
an eat putty hearty. Then struck out an
eat few apples thai l slipped out NV a
wagon, an then eat a piece NV cheese that
found in saloon, just because it didn't cost
anything. About this time the Old Boy COM
menced to overtake me. an lodged in here
an' drapped down, an hope Iii die before
git outen here fur, rs | said jist now, a man
that amt got no more sense than have amt
fitten to live. When think that have eat
myself TO death jest because it didn't cost
anything it makes ne 80 mad don't know
what to do. Oh, how do suffer all overr'-
Arkansaw Traveller
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
DEACON BED0TT
WRITTEN By HIS WIDOW.

He never jawed in all his life.
He never was unkind.
And Though say 1t, who was his wife),
Such men are hard to find.
never changed my single lot,
| thought 'twOuld be sin;
thought so much of Deacon BedOtt
never got married again.
If ever he spoke a word in heat
His anger soon was DER
He always dressed in garments neat
That came from J. NJ. Knote's store.
A wonderful tender heart he had
That felt for all mankind;
He told his friends that honest goods
At j. NJ. Knote's store they'd find.
Whisky and rum he tasted not;
Twas sinful, | suppose;
And, being saving, Deacon Bedott
Went To J. NJ. Knote's for his clothes.
But, poor man, he died all the same.
My grief can't control
He left good clothes and an honest name
His widow to console.
The finest. most complete and cheapest
Line of overcOats, gloves and underwear
In Springfield is at J. NJ. Knote's
Globe Clothing House, 13 east Main st.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19

Anxious Daughter-Mo Mother, did papa have
his salary increased when he was marriedl
Omaha Matron-No. my child"
Il don't suppose he had any money saved
up, did he'
Not a penny, he spent all he earned
"Did You get along comfortably"
ave We're very happy"
"Well, you know, George hasn't been able
to saye a cent. but
See here, if that poverty stricken fellow
dares 10 show his face here again III get
Your father TO kick him outr-Omaha
World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-02-19
why the Chickens Came Ont.

An aneCdote is told of a little fellow who,
on turning over tine leaves of a scrap book,
came across the well known picture of some
chickens just out Of their shell. Ny COM
panion examined the picture carefully and
then, with a grave, s8gacious look at me,
slowly remarked, They came out COS they
was afraid Of being boiled" Awake