Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1887-04-25

Emperor William is 80 years old. In
longevity he y c DIS all other monarchs
The latest catch is: Ibid you ever see
a cent and quarter" Don't answer too
impulsively.
The man that wants the earth doesn't
seem satisfied when the grocer gives it to
him in sugar.
The snowiakes in Montana are said to
be so large that four of them will make
good sleighing.
Probably this world could not get along
without cranks; but sometimes it can't
help thinking it would like to try.
1t is reported that Virgins learned to
be a prophet by guessing what his wife
would say when he came home late at
night.
The Car of all the Russians has at
least one consolation in the midst of all
his troubles. He is not bothered by life
insurance agents.
People who are always in high spirits
soon wear out, says a physician. 1t may
ed wear other people out.
\ rich man, who began life as boot
black, having remarked that he had taken
box at the opera, some one meanly re-
marked if brush went with it.
Mary had little lamp,
Twas full of kerosene;
One day the lamp it did explode
Since then she's not benzine.
Pleasure seeker en- route for Montreal
Look here, my friend, four dollars is a
little steep. COachman-You amt payin'
it out out of yer own money, are yer?
''You are picturing rather a gloomy fu-
ture for me, madame" he said to the for
tune teller. Yes, Sir" she replied ''but
it's the best 1 can do for half dollar"
Mistress-Where's the meat, Bridget?
Bridget don't ate mate of a Friday
mum. Mistress-But we do. Bridget
1 don't see how yez can when yez haven't
any.
There's a difference in men. Some think
twice before marrying, and some marry
twice before thinking. But the latter
generally do some tall thinking the third
time.
Say, mister, don't you want boy?"
Are you out of work." Yes s'What
did you do during the summer" 4 stuck
flies on to fy-paper in druggists winders,
but fiy-time's over now"
Brown-What did you think of the
play? Fogg-Fairly good thing; but
what object to is the intense realism in
the third act-a church scene, you know.
1t was so natural | actually went TO sleep.
Mrs. Gabbleton-Oh. Mr.. FOgg. 1 saw
your wife in Biasfolds store yesterday,
and she did look perfectly lovely. Fogg-
Don't you know, my dear madam, that
everything looks more attractive in the
store than it does after you get it home.
Its been given out that my daughter
was married, said gentleman near Griffin
recently, '-but l want TO state there amt
no truth in it. Such talk as that will
keep the young men all away. She amt
married at all, but is jest as willing as
ever
A lecturer who once gave lecture on
the oyster tells this story: After it was
finished one of the audience went TO the
lecturer and said, There is one thing
about the oyster that you have omitted to
mention. The oyster always knows ex-
actly when TO shut up"
My dear said frightened physician
in the middle OF the night, shaking his
wife, ''where did you get that bottle of
strychnineE" .'On the shelf, next the pep
perInint- 20 Lord!" he groaned. Il
have swallowed it, .-Well, for good
ness sake whispered his wife, keep
quiet, or you'll wake the baby"
Jane-PIease, sir, there's a man here
who wants Minister--Aow, Jane,
you know | can't be bothered with visit
ors. Jane--He says he is poor, and if
Won viii only. Minister.-Send him
away, Jane, at once l declare it is very
annoying. While writing this sermon on
charity I've been interrupted three times