News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-08-11
THE J0KER'S BUDGET.
THE FUNNIEST THINGS WE
CAN FIND IN THE PAPERS
"A Light Breast-What He was There
For-Who are the Bros ?-The
Mote in His Own Eye-Odds and
Ends, Etc, Etc.
ONE F'ISHED.

-AOIC HI II Is OWN EYe-o0OS and
Ends, Etc, Etc.
'"roo bad-too bad!" he said, as he
came out of his Office with telegram in
his hand.
''What is itl'
''Just found this in my Office as [ re-
turn from ten days vacation. 1t came
the day after / left.
"What is it about p
''It is from an old friend in Sandusky
and it says: Telegraph me 5000 to-day,
or I'm financially ruined. >"
.'And you weren't herea'
''No."
''And he busted? 2"
every probably. All, we'll! some
must fish and some must bust. The
only consolation [ have is in knowing
that couldn't have raised $40 had I
been home. '-DetrOt Free Press.
THE MOTE.
Smith (fretfully) 'There ought to be
law to hang every man who is guilty
of swindling another
Wife-''Has any one imposed upon
you, my dear ?"
'Passed twenty-cent piece on me
this morning for a quarter. Beat me
right out of five cents in cold blood"
Tim sure if his conscience can bear
up under the thought of dishonesty we
can stand the loss.'
Give tried no less than six times to-
day to get rid of it, and every one no.
ticed it was a twenty-centpiece Unjust
be sure to go to church Sunday and drop
it in the box. ."-BtnghamtOn Republicans.
THE LEG WAS CRACKED.
Dorchester gentleman recently let a
horse and buggy to an Irishman for a
funeral trip. The horse was afflicted
with slight SPAWN on his nigh fore leg,
which caused him to limp on starting,
but the trouble wore off after travelling
a short distance. While returning the
horse was driven down a rocky embank-
ment and one of his legs broken. Pat
was called to account by the gentle
man and accused of breaking his horses
leg. "Sure," said Pat in defense, 'Ethe
leg of the baste was cracked before we
started, an now, begorra, We want pay
for a whole leg !'-Boston Budget.
WHY HE HURRIED.
A Second Ward lady, who usually has
had to wait patiently for the butcher
boys arrival, was surprised a morning
or two since to see him coming along
quicker and earlier than usual. She
was SO elateG with the prospects of
punctual dinner that she gave the boy
nickel, explaining that the reward was
for promptness. The boy was out of
breath, but he managed to stammer
out:
'Thankee, mum, yes: the boss tole
me to hurry up with the meat so as to
get it here before it beginned to smell. ="
Ogden Herald
THE BOSS.
4 vouugster in a neighboring town
ysbO had o0ue ont on q pleasure trip Ivy
his fathers consent, suddenly broke out
crying, and when asked what the mat
ter was, said:
''Mamma will whip me"
An effort was made to soothe him by
explaining that as long as his father
knew he had come, his mother would
not scold him for coming without say
ing to her about it. This h rdly salts
fed the little fellow, who whimpered in
reply, ''Papa isn't the boss !"-S.
AlbanS Messenger.
THE BELL.
''Got any COW bells?"
eyes; step this way"
"Those are too small. Ha vent you
any largerl"
''No sir; the largest ones are all sold
Rusticus started off and got as far as
the door when the clerk called after him.
"Look here, stranger, take one of
these small bells for your COW, and you
won't have half the trouble in finding
her; for when you hear her bell you
will always know she can't be far off
The farmer bought the bell. .-T'cEas
SJtjngs.
ga missionary" as Zach Chandler
used to tell the story, ''hcard one of his
Indian converts, one day, calling down
all sorts of curses upon the head of his
enemy. You mustn't do that, said the
missionary; you ought to obey the
Scripture injunction to heap Goals of
fire upon his head A day or two later
the missionary overheard the Indian at
his devotions, and heard him say: oh
Lord, burn the rascal! Heap Goals of
fire on his head Heap EN- on, Lord,
BREATHED ONLY.
He: There is something which [
have been wanting to ask you for weeks,
Estelle, and now, in this almost abso-
lutte seclusion, am going to dare to-
She: Oh, Rudolph, this is so sud
den
He: You'll try to give me a fair an
swer2
She: Yves.
He: Well-hush There is nobody
around-do you believe that Sharp's
lawyers knew he was guilty?
FISHING.
Excited fisherman to Summer hotel
man-There isn't bit of fishing around
here! Every brook has a sign warming
people off. What do you mean by lur-
ing anglers here with the promise of
fine fishing?
Hotel Mani didn't say anything
about fine fishing. If you read my adj
vertisement carefully you will see that
what 1 said was, 'Fishing unapproach-
able. ."-BurljngtOn Free Press.
In London-Lord Noodle Ito Mr..
Blaine)-I saw your distinguished coun-
tryman yesterday.
Blaine-Whom do you mean?
"Why, Buffalo Bill. You know him.
of course"
"No, have never met him.
Lord Nookle (aside to a friend This
man Blaine is an impostor. He is not
acquainted in his own country !-ArhteD-
sam Traoeller.
A PLEASANT EXPRESSION.
"Where are you going with the water
melon, Uncle Rastus2" asked Il gentle
man.
Use gwine ter hab my photograph
taken, sab.
"What do you expect to do with the
melon?"
81 wants ter look at it, sab, while de
photograph am in process of construc-
ton, SOS ter git de right expression ON
de face, sab.
HE'LL TEACH HER.
81 asked Miss Tittleback to marry
me-" remarked Tompkins, "and she re-
fused But I'll teach her
"Why, what are you going to do
about it?"
"Ill teach her to treat me in that way
I'll never ask her again"
BRAVE GIRL.
81 think ice cream is delicious,
George" she said; 81 just love it."
'But don t you know that it's very
l. o