Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-06-15
The Man from Toms River.


as a warning to Europe against de-
claring war against us some morning
before breakfast. Engineers have
surveyed and reported, and Congress
sional committees have sat and report
ed, and for about $50, 100000 we can
get things in such shape that when
the enemy's first iron-clad heaves in
sight she can be saluted in proper
style.
A lot of us we're sitting in the de-
pot waiting-room at Trenton, and the
only man who had newspaper was
reading away for dear life, when a
stranger entered with two satchels and
tall girl, chugged the baggage under
seat, waved the girl to another, and
walked up to the man with the news
paper and asked:
"Mister, is there anything in the
paper about our coast defenses T.
"No, sir! !" was the gruff reply.
That's singular. Have they given
up the idea, do you think p
81 don't know what you mean, sir ?"
"You don't? Why, they've been
talking for the last year about build
ing forts to protect our coasts. l live
down near the mouth of Toms river,
and rather expect they'll build a
big fort there. The way things are
now, England, France or Germany
could declare war against us and land
a large force at Toms river before we
had our eyes open. They'd land right
ON my farm, and nobody knows the
damage they'd do. Don't see any
thing about a fort at Toms river, eh?"
mo, sir"
"Well, that's singular. If this gov
ernment expects me to get down be-
hind rock with my old shotgun and
keep Europe from landing at that
point it's expecting leetle too much
of one man. I'd fight to the death, Of
course, but the chances are that hull
navy could lick one nigh-sighted man.
So the paper don't say anything?'
"Didn't tell you no in the first
place !"
"Say! mebbe you don't keer cop
per about coast defenses exclaimed
the two satchel man as red spot ap-
peared on each cheek.
"Not a copper, sir"
81 thought so from the start! You
live out in Michigan, or Indiana or
Illinois, and are tucked away in some
holler where the sheriff can't find ye,
let alone an invader of our sacred sile!
Oh, no, you don't keer !"
Father chidded the tall girl as
she half rose; but he turned on her
with:
MARY, you keep shet! I've allus
thought if Europe declared war agin
us we'd have plenty of cnimies right
at home, and here's case to prove it |!
Stranger, did you fit in the last war =
"None o your business, sir"
There's his open hand, gentlemen"
exclaimed the two satchel man, as he
turned to the crowd. "When you
find man who don't keer how soon
the hull of Europe jumps on this
country you have found man who'd
dig up the bones of Washington and
sell 'em to n Junk man for FIVE dol
lars"
The man with the newspaper laid it
down, got on his feet and asked the
other if he would step out doors
minute.
"No, sir, l won'tP was the prompt
reply. "In the fust place, I've got
these two satchels to purtect; in the
second place, there's Mary; in the
third place, don't fight with no man
who didn't fight in the last war. In
the fust place. asked ye if there was
anything in the paper about our coast
defenses."
"And l said no, you idiot !"
"And you said you didn't keer!"
Neither do Iw
There's his hand agin, gentlemen I!
While I'm lying behind rock at
Toms river, waiting to sell my life in
defense of my country, here's fellow
from Coons Holler, State of Indiana,
who don't keer cooper's copper how
quick Europe kivers the sile of New
Jersey with the blood of our bravest
men :"
Father" chidded Mary again.
"Lemme alone, Mary! You know
all about carpet rags and darning and
housework, but you never heard the
rumble of war. If Europe is going
to jump onto this country l want to
know who is going to shoot me in the
back as face the enemy"
The man with the newspaper open
ed it and sat down with dangerous
glitter in his eyes, and there was a
solemn silence for a few minutes.
Then the Toms riverlm edged over
to Mary and they slid out doors to-
gether. Then he beckoned through
Al r