New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1887-10-31
r,11 rnE cohIyG RicE syoRE;


The scientific Ics-im.st is cunning and in.
sflious creature Instead Of casting his gloomy
;Loucht, In the form OF spccuiaton, w cA any boiJ
n ..lt combat and overthrow. he underi"ke' !"
demonstrate by what he pictcnds to be strictly
irdu,rivc methods, the advancing deterioration
Of the human race through the effects Of cvilza-
,.o, Ard mark tho stralthy approaches Of this
cucin, Of hi, kind First be- attacks the hair, ana
i,h an lro,t sanitation OF innocence proceeds 10
show that lAlduc,s Is the destiny OF the man Of
the fu'urc-and perhaps also of The woman
dlcaiful thought Having catabl shed to his ha''o
faction his hateful proposition, the scientific
pc-~imist opens Iaiai.l, tor an attack upon tHe
teeth. sun carefully keeping rhind the shi'h
Of science. L.. predicts the elimination Of mAli-
la,ics and tic development OF II bald ana bare
cummcd race. with thc tops Of billiard balls ana
tho law. Of ccntcnarans Needless - point out
that the doom Of Romance and sentiment would
49, scaled hy such change, and with them the
death at Fiction. For how could "A shiny p"Hed,
nutcg.,l,. -awel people ever know ih" sl'mor
api delight OF Young Love? How could a race
50 marked by tie dominant signs II phlSlraI
FL tcuc-s po.,,-,~ the Imagination which con
c.,t,, u tc eyes Of th' beloved night thRt
u.,,c va, on land or Tea Intellect we are
r.I /, TO rule when these changes conc There Is
-
crnIl. t. thc grave neither combs and brushes
nor tooth. o,yIcr will be needed, and perhaps
tine ast novel published Will deal with tie
tragedy Of the Last Dentist.
Yet ,Lc scientific p"s,imst !, not content with
tho hayo. he has wrought In our dreams OF the
future. Ii is not enough for him thai the mastery
of man over nature = t. he obtained Mt The sacri
ice Of all that romantic love and personal beauty
Las. 4
lie must pursue hl, deiestabic tn"uctons srli
further. and must lus.nunt" TIC conviction that
the coming bald and toothlcSs race Wall snofe.
lie begin, by a gratitous assumption. Nobody.
hc saws, ever heard savage snorc. or course
very few people have ever slept with savaSes'
and therefore there Is no available evidence on
this POINT. Eat the common enemy goes on t"
argue that the savage does not snorc because II
he did he would oso his SCALP, and so, by the
law OF the survival Of the htt"st
The savages who sleep most silently
are the ones who retain their hair As for civilized
people. they have changed all this The Impure
mir Of our sleeping rooms induces all manner OF
catarrhal Affections The nasal passages arc the
first - be- affected. Instead of warming The inspired
air on the way 10 the lungs, and removing From
IT. the dangerous impurities with which IL Is
londcd the nose tccomes obstructed. part OF the
uIrcntcrS ana escapes Dy way vi Inv H""''' il'
veil of the lalaic ybratcs between tie two cur
rcnts-that through the mouth and nose shli
passing through tie partially closed nostrils-lks
torn sal IN the wind" IL Is needless to cite
The narrowing description further Let 1t suffice to
say thar the result j. snorc, and dat according
10 thc sccntihc pr,smist "In future oil men
and women Will Snorc!'
Hyron no doubt thought he was drawing
q powerful yicture when in his Darkness" he
Icprcsents two rcmnants OF Adams race on this
scpu lchral coh looking m one another by the
hrd glare OF the final cOnlagraton. and dying
then AID there " of their own mutual hidcousnesS
but Byron gives no Indication in his poem that
lis last mcr were bald. toothlcss. and snorcd.
II hc had forcscen this lrightul descent Of man
he would have made his miserable wretches die
before they had s"cn one anothcr-dlc Of the
appalling sound OF their own bald and toothlcNS
snoring For { indeed + the climax and capshcaf
Of the scientific Icssimst's malgnity. race
without hair OF teeth inght he mag ned as getting
along somehow IN mumbling, senIle fashion
but no Imagination IS strong or icrtle enough TO
render IL conceivable that race not only hnircss
and toothless but which snCred habitnally and
syslcmatically could survive II. rs Pip reelected
m contemplating Mr. Wopsc, the Romans must
lave Aggravated one another greatly by their
no cs how incalculable the aGsravan"n would
be. surprising all the Roman noses snorcd Had
that been the case in the Old World GIbhon would
have had 10 write his Decline and Fab on alto
rcthcr different lines Should the scientific pcss-
mist be right Chao, and Old Night viii come again
wien mutual snoring md loathinS have cXtin-
lShcd the last cmbers OF vitnlity in an nlrndy
dccrcpt rncc. Int there is n way Of escape from
the horrors Of this a~ful prediction II is only
necessary 10 assume that the scientific pessimIst
Is - humbug 10 renew the morning OF humanity
The voters OF New-Yort have an opportunity 10
support for the Supreme Court bench a candidate
OF rare qualifications, exceptionally equipped In
every way for this lofty position Daniel G.
Rollins ought to have the earnest support not