News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-09-29
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
SOME OF THE FUNNY THINGS
FOUND IN THE PAPERS.
Home MisSions-Fate of a City Dude
The Fair-Out in the Country
A Nice Time-A Lone Hand
Odds and Ends, Etc.

| anu
| TAFFY JUDICIoUsLY APPLIED.
Waiter "Anything else I can heli
You to, sab p
Guest-"No, think not"
Waiter =" Everything satisfactory
sah?"
Guest-''It seems so.
| Waiter-''S Service all that could be de
sired, sab p
Guest-"Good enough, 1 believe" "
Waiter-''I always knows when
meets gemmen, sah-especially, sab, 9
Boston gemmen They alters has baked
beans and fish, and dey knows when
dey's sarved well, sab. No grumblin
dar. sab, and dey nevaw-ah, thanks
sab" Aside-''I jest thought I'd fotcL
dat old wooded-head skinhint.
specks he gimme dis yer quarter jes tc
stop my elumquence. San Francisco
Wasp.
JoLLYBoY IN THE COUNTRY.
She--Did you enjoy your visit to the
country, Mr.. Jollyboy2
He-Yas, with one or two exceptions,
I had verwy delightful time.
She-Ah, indeed! Then there was
bitter with the sweet?
He-Hawdly bittah, We know, but
verwy disagweable You see, thought
it would be chawming idea to dwink
from the old Oaken bucket.
She-Why, what bright idea. Did
you succeed2
He-Yas, to me sorrow. [ bwoke of
two of me teeth on the iron hoop which
surrounded the edge, swallowed piece
of moss as large as me hand, and took
me mouth away just in time to escape
swallowing a how'd bug.-Pecks San.
SOFT ANSWER.
Agent have, madam, little article
which no household should be without,
and
Downtown Dame-Be away wild We
now.
Il beg you to look at it moment; it
is"
-"Go long wild we Oh say; phat does
dacent paple want wild y'r patent hum
buggeries 2"
'I see you are busy; you are unpack-
ing, I suppose. l should have called
earlier in the season, but l knew all the
society people were off at the summer
resorts and I'd not find any of you at
home"
"Come in, sor. I'll lux at it. ."-OmaAo
World.
THE FAIR.
81 understand you are going to have
big agricultural fair up your way"
Eyes; or rather we did intend having
one, but we've been disappointed.
Disappointed? In what way p
"Why, you see, we got the race course
all laid out and the baseball field fixed
up nice and handy, and everything was
getting on splendidly, when we found
we had no room for go-as-you-please
pedestriau races.
You don t say 50 -
eyes; and that isn't the worst of it.
There's lot of old fossils who want to
exhibit cattle, vegetables and all that
sort O stuff. ''-BOston Transcript.
NOT TOO PREVIOUS.
A young couple called at Judge
Whites house one evening and asked
him to marry them. They looked like
working people. AS he stepped ON one
side to make some preparation, the
young man came up and whispered to
him:
81 say, Jedge, hain't got no stuff to-
night. She's got the stuff there in her
bag. I'll bring it to you tomorrow, but
l don't think it would look we'll to begin
on her in that way tonight, do you?"
The ceremony proceeded, and next
morning the young man was on hand
with the ''stufi Chicago Herold.
MIR. SMITHS DELICACY.
"Uncle James," said Miss Penelope
Waldo of Boston, who is visiting in the
country, 81 was out walking this morn
ing, and young Mr.. Smith, who was
with me, killed snake. When I asked
him what kind of a snake it was he SEEM
ed embarrassed and changed the sub
ject.
''The only kind of snakes we have
here, Penelope" said her uncle James,
sis garter snakes
Then Miss Waldo realized the mate
delicacy ofyoung Mr., Smith, and was
deeply grateful to him.
AN OVERDOSE.
Judge: tOf course, you have an ex-
cuse ready
Prisoner: 81 have, your Honor. 1
was full, but it was for medical purposes.
Whiskey is good for snake bites.''
Judge: "Were you bitten by a
snake p
Prisoner: 'No; but, your Honor, 'an
ounce of prevention is worth pound of
cure
Judge "I see, I see. But you should
have confined yourself to the ounce. l
fine you $40 for prescribing medicine
without a diploma"
IT DIDN'T WORK.
Gotham Bum-"This beautiful place
of yours is favorite resort for those
noble reformers called Socialists, I see."
Citizen Schwab-"Yah, dey all koom
heer."
81 am sort of Socialist myself; al
ways attend the meetings. You are one,
too, understand.
''Yah."
"You believe that everything should
be held i'll common, of course 2"
''Efryding except bier; fife zents.
blease "-Om0h0 World.
A LONE HAND.
She was a widow, and perhaps a little |
sensitive on that account. When she |
answered a summons the other day she |
found a good-looking ministerial chap
at the door.
Good day." he began. 81 represent
n loan association"
$50 do l." she responded, shortly, |
''and L mean to stay alone; good day,
sir."
He hasn't thought it out yet to his en-
t ire satisfaction Detroit Free Press.
IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
"What's the matter p said an usher in
4 Chicago theatre, addressing man who |
was crowding his way through the audi
9nce.
'Matter the deuce! Do you suppose
I'm going to allow my wife to sit beside
hat black negro T.
"You don't know what you are talk
ng about. That fellow pitches for a
1ase ball team
"That's all right then. Sit down
here, Jane. "-ArkanSao Tra0eller.
AN EARLY RISER.
"Mrs Van Coover Ito caller)-I have
,uch a splendid cook, and she is such an
Early riser. The iceman leaves the ice
It o'clock, and she is always there to
)ring it in. She is perfect treasure.
don't know what | should do without
ler.
Splendid Cook Opening the door