The Sauk Centre herald. (Sauk Centre, Stearns County, Minn.) 1886-current, 1887-05-12
MRS. D0RETTA VAN DYKE.

"Bravo Mr.. Tort" exclaimed Mrs.
Doretta Van Dyke, as she ran with a
light gay step across the room to meet an
elderly gentleman, and warmly shook her
hand. you came just at the right mo-
ment. l nevet 60 to confession, but, you
know, to an old family friend, who has
known me from childhood, and has been
almost like father-well, to cut the
matter short, / want to open my heart
to you. You must be my father con
fesSor.'
"You are jcSting!''
earnest. 1t is the first favor I've asked of
you in long, long time. You won't say
no?'
''If you think that it is necessarily
"Of course do You can judge for
yourself. I've been here only two days;
come over from Boston on a visit to my
mother, you know, and already they are
instgating my husband to bring a suit for
DIVORCE
MY dear Doretta," interrupted Mr.
Tort, mildly, couldn't we discuss this
matter IL little more coolly? Might we
not, for example, sit DOWN.
Certainly, let us sit down."
But this circumstance did not in any
way dampen the fire of Mrs. Van Dykes
eloquence.
"You know the cause of all this trout
ble?'
mot in the least"
"No? You know just rs well rs I! 1t
is all about that little Lieut.. Scratch.
People say he has been making love to
me, and |, so they say, am pleased with
his attentions. Did you ever hear of such
calumniations? l saw Scratch for the
first time here at Mrs. Fitzgerald Archi-
balds She isn't related to Lord FitZ-
gerald, of Devonshire, at all, though she
claims to be. Goodness gracious, every
body nowadays pretends to be related +"
the nobility. Why, my maid says she be-
longs to the Fontainbleus. But, let me
see, where were we? If there's anything |
hate it's digrc5sions when one has q story
to tell; it's so tiresome.
"Oh, yes! about Lieut.. Scratch and
Mrs. Fitzgerald-Archi tea. Well,
there couldn't have been more than ten or
twelve people there at the most. Mrs
Archibald-it takes too long to pronounce
all her name and she really has no right
to it anyway-Mrs. Archibald had one of
her headaches. That is her forte. She
is always complaining of headaches. The
drawing room was lighted by couple of
carcelles lamps, one with u red shade and
the other with O green one. These pro-
duced the funniest physiOgnOnies! Mrs.
Archibald stood near the green lamp and
looked for all the world like an unripe
lemon. And her sister, Mrs. Patterson,
was near the lamp with the rcd shade,
and had the appearance of a picked beet.
While there in the middle was the old
aunt! How did she look? One cheek had
red tint and the other was pale green
tint 1t was too funny!
Yes, there was Mrs. Archibald and
Mrs. Patterson-so lovely! A pair of ripe
beauties, thoy! But they haven't given
up the hunt after conquests yet Every
body in New York knows that Mrs.
Archibald was most extraordinarily in
innate With
But, DOretta'--
ooh! entirely platonic, / assure yout
With an alderman. Now, ask you,
what is an alderman, even if he does go
to the springs every year? And Mrs.
Patterson? People arc so malicious,
You know old Gen. Cabman, don't your
The man who is blind in his right eye and
deaf in his left ear? He is her favorite
now they say, and his predecessor was
Capt Guernsey, who lost his leg OF Bull
Run, and has nothing but a trifiing pen
sion. You've heard what they call Mrs.
Archibald's house, haven't you? No!
The military hospital. Pretty good,
isn't it?
''Of the old aunt, believe, they have
nothing bad to tell, or good either, for
thai matter, though her face and figure
are something frightful. She is regular
pedant. When she isn't harangling the
company at the top of her voice she goes
| to sleep. And if in waking interval she
does keep silence once in while, she
makes the whole company so nervous they
| don't know what to do, by the disagree
able habit of rubbing her hands, as if she
was washing them with soap"
"But, my DEAR" interpolated Mr. Tort
once more, ''all this has nothing to do
| with the matter in hand"
what! Nothing to do with it?' On
| the contrary, it is indispcnsabler'
"Wcll, then, you see, to tell it briefly,
the only young and - ahem! - pretty
woman in the room was myself. OF the
gentlemen, the alderman and the general
| occupied themselves with the pair of
| sisters; thcro was a millionaire, made rich
| by bankruptcies; a congressman, whether
| Democrat or Republican, can't say; at
| all events, he had never smelled much
| political powder; then literary man
deliver us from evil;' then Scratch and
my husband. Now, if you take out Scratch
| and myself, that was q delightful COM
pany, wasn't it? For you see--well, you
| know, my husband is good enough sort
of fellow, but he is tediousnes3 personi-
/ fed. 1t is natural enough; he is simply a
normal married man, and tiresomenesS
seems to be a general characteristic of
husbands. No! Don't shake your head,
| Mr.. Tort! You don't know anything
| about it. You should be n woman, and
\ married-one week would be enough. A
| husband is, perhaps, away from home,
good company, entertaining and witty,
but in his own family he is pro-
sale, grumbling and unbearable. He
is discontinued with everything. Every
| thing gives him occasion to moralize,
! TO preach sermons as long as a seven
| years drouth. He holds his wife back by
the skirts if she wants to go out, and if
she wants to stay at home nothing will do
but she must strot along with him and
make calls. Always opposition and irri-
| liability. If our honored lords and mas
tiers are gracious enough to take us to the
| theatre their faces are as long as your
| arm, if they are alone with us; but they
brighten up the instant they see the wives
of other men. We get along all right
when we have two couples together; then,
at least, there is opportunity to open cross
fire, and this has certain attractivcness.
4 But, alasi for us, if one happens to be the
only lady in company. Then our hus-
bands make every species of conversation
impossible. He tells the most frightfu
anecdotes. There is always some poin
which he won't say out loud, but he mus
whisper it in his neighbours ear. Thel
the jollity reaches its climax, and the as
sembled lords laugh, and it sounds as if
whole chorus of catarrh troubled cat
sneezedr'
t ''My dear Doretta, all this is very witt,
and entertaining, but may make one rs
marksn