davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

A friend of Lawrence Gardner tells this
joke on him: Some months ago Mr.. Gardner
was travelling in a Pullman car going from
New York to Saratoga. He noticed that the
porter paid more than usual attention to him,
but thought nothing Of it. At last, after
much hesitation, the porter said:
"Howdy, Col Ochiltree! l haven't seen
YOU on this road for some time"
''No; I've been very busy in New York" :"
replied Gardner.
The porter then went into another car and
Gardner and his friend adjourned to the
smoker. Presently the porter came in, and,
going up TO Gardner, said:
You remember, colonel, tho last time l
saw your
Yes"
We'll, you promised me dollar, and you
never gave it to me.r
"Well, here's the dollar said Gardner,
and from that day to this he has been hunt
ing the auburn haired romancer of the Pam
paS-Wasbington Critic
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
THE LIME KILN CLUB.

"Will Moses Jumbo Comeback please step
this wayT asked the president, as the meet
ing opened.
Brother Comeback, who has been a very
quiet hut deeply interested member Of the
club for the past few years, advanced to the
desk. and Brother Gardner continued:
Moses, Earn dat you am on de pint Of
removin' to lllinoy."
Yes, sah.n
You Will take your certificate long wild
Tou, an you will keep your membership wid
Is jist the same; an any time you kin raise
money 'nutf to take a freight train an cum
up an see us you will find a hostile welcome"
Yes, sah-Ize much obleeged, sah,n re-
piled Moses, as he wiped tear from his eye.
An now l want to say few furtler words
to you, resumed the president after solemn
pause You am gwine to cut loose an sail
in de company of strangers, an dar am a
few things You would do well to remember
Remember, dat Il lawyer will work harder
to clar murderer dan he will to convict
thief
Remember, dat a naybur who offers you
de loan of his hoe am fishin' round to secure
de loan of your wheelbarrer.
Remember, dat you can't Judge of de
home happiness of man an wife by seein'
'em at a Sunday skule picnic.
Remember, dat while de average man
will return de k'rect change in business
transackshun. he'll water his milk an mix
beans wild his coffee
Remember, dat all de negatives Of de best
photoGranhs am retouched. an de wrinkles
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
LITTLE LAUGHS.

, r, ,.., =,
Ihe once nonrishing town ot Solltaire' IN
ARIZONA, Is now eh'ireiy deserted. Inc man
49,, Wor.i,,o.n uar.ia
Mime. fatu mas decided TO learn To play the
pah)o' ana II at any tifhe within the next TWO
months man WIN aiS'ie'eied hair' "iid'
hannteu look IN MS dark eyes, buttons miss
ing from ms pants ana SOCKS mat wear a neg
ier'.N pisarahce' Is iouha wandering ann
it''sis AROUND s"ii,ary places IN Europe, his
name VIII propaoiS oe Nico'ihi-St raui
.
orisht newspaper woman IN New iork
saiheo ADMISSION as iuha'ic 10 an Insane
asylum ana remained ,i'ere arouP'e "' weeks
taxing ho'tS' "h'ch sne "orkt" up INTO
grapmc newspaper article Is suspected
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

sboLos,.,.r -, US , ,,,rf.,, ,,an,lan,r ,,r
ir- 10, ,n,a. ., ~, 81. U,raIrs .olIa,,,
,,h;,,, ;r,,os,,,I h;s f,,hor ,,.;,h 90, .,,,,e,
Tb;s c,.t armo- n,do a ront,.non 81 ,he
.,der Shat.sra,re and as Wi,i,m's mother
was already a gentleman under the code
William hacama ono ,Iso both q, his f.,ber,s
and ON his mothers side on course ali this
!. m.ro d.,,;1 and i dru and nn;,,.r,s,;no
hpt T nefer Ia IL 10 sbox. that tbos., who have
,.,d ,b;pcc in SbaLaSreor.S ,ro,.ts that ,b.r
lid NOT ike and who therefore s,v that ha
ras no gentleman do the great hard an in.
;,s+ic.
do NOT saw that Sbakesrear, WAS the an
shor of his own works and il would not IooL
well in mo n set mn nv oninion in onnos;t;op
70 tina. of scholars exnerts and s,yants who
nav. had moro advantapes than 7 have for
v,,,ra never take ADVANTAGE Of any one
INIT say thu, soma,yb.-, the ;pnr.ssior has
.,,.nt into tho n.,,ars that be WINS n nr.ttv
,oc.l ,;,t,e MAY writer and 7 am Glad tba.
Nr C,bilds has had a testimonial made and
s.n, over To En,lond that will show an an
or,,ciat;on at l,.as. Of his ability IN te,n la-
fore the p.ople
II viii, he noticed bv an alert and keen
.,en,ad lt,er,teur that have carsfn,,v
avoided treadinp on the tail Of Mr. Don.
,e,Iv,s c,,b,r Beinp rather n moor mothe-
n,tic,an ANYWAY / will not intr,duce m.
.;nber st this time but 7 will say ,b,, .,-
tbourb tho whole thing banneped ahout ,Ir,s.
hurdrad wears aro and has now nearly
,,sssd ont Of my mind tn tho hest of nv
rocoII,..tior Sbatssn,are tbougb be was the
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
an freclles worked out.

an freckles worked out.
Remember, dat society am made up Of
good clothes, hungry stomachs, deception,
heartaches and mixed grammar.
Remember, dat people will neber stop tc
queshun de truf Of any rumor or any scandal
affectin' your character, but it takes years to
satisfy 'e,n dat your great grandfather wasn't
a pirate an your great grandmother de lead
in gal in fifteen cent ballet. You can now
sot down an close yer eyes an reflect an
digest, an de rest Of us will purceed TO carry
out de usual programme Of de meetin'."
'.In disparsin' to your varus homes" said
the president as the triangle sounded its notes
of warning, remember dat civility am de
grease which Keeps de wheels Of society from
stickin' fast to the axletrees. An oblegin' dis
position may keep your washtub an Aatirons
floatin' aroun' de nayborhood leben months
in de var, but de same reason will bring in
chicken broth an kind words in case YOU
have rup of bilious fever. Somebody wake
up Elder Toots an let us go keerfully down
stairs Detroit Free Press
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
A Midnight Reverie.

sit before the open crate,
And, as l watch the dying fire
CTis evening. and the hour is latel.
Old memories sad thoughts inspire.
Alone and lonely there sit.
Watching q dying, glowing ember,
And trying, as the 1.-the flames fit
And dance about, not to remember
The thing that troubles all my dreams,
And so torments me, sleeping. waking,
Until at times il almost seems
As il my weary heart were breaking.
The fire dies out. The sudden chill
But makes nv melancholy deeper.
20 to unrest, brooding still,
And wishing camel coal were cheaper.
Lowell Citizen
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Its nachul dat de higher We gifts in dis life
= mo trouble We has De taller de tree
grows de mo- its shuck by de win.
De bigges' an healthies' chile mighty often
doan' grow up ter ermount ter no,hin'. De
bigge' an mos promisin' wheat sometimes
runs ter straw.
has knowed many er thief dat could dis
count er homes man in putin up er straight
tale. amt neber yet seed er baby dat could
cry any mo- pityful den er painter ken.
Il hope has 'hgion, but doan' know I
hab hearn folks say; but l neber hearn er
man ay, Il hopes has money. but doan'
know" Dat sorter 'hgion dat yer hopes yers
got, but doan' know, amt gwine ter do yer
no mo good den der money what yer hopes
yerAs got, but doan' know.
II wuz axed ter put er esterrate on how
much er man is wuth ter dis yere worlr I
would fust try to foe out how much he thinks
o his mother. Er man may be good ter his
wife an kline ter his chillun, but ef he amt
good TO de ole 'oman dat give him part o. her
lie IN fust larned him ter walk toward de
sncceo what he hab reached, he amt de right
spgter puBon--Arkansaw Traveller.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Will Shakespeare-Please, sir, the manager
h'of the Globe theatre wants his new play.
Lord Bacon-How soon,
HAT once, sir. for tonight"
Tonight Great st. George! how does he
expect me to finish my Organum, write my
public speech, get ready for that trial and
write him play all in one dayf'
"H'I don't know, sir, but he wants the
title right away so he can put it on the bills. :"
"Well. I'll do it. Let-me-see. Tell hisn
the title will he Hamlet. Omaha World.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Omaha Child Ton eastern railway train)-
Oh, mamma, there's a policeman walking
through corn field
Mamma without looking out)-Is he chs
ing any one!
NO; hes walking along Just Us they do in
the street"
Dear me-. Get your things on. We aro
within the city limits of Philadelphia
Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

1t is claimed that coal famine is imnni
nent and that western families will have to
burn corncobs this winter. This is not overly
encouraging to drought stricken Kansas
Iowa. Illinois and Wisconsin, where there 10
nothing but cobs three inches long: but for Ne
braska, where the cobs are used for baseball
bats, We contemplate the famine with . re-
markable degree Of composure. As long as
the festive corncob maintains its present
mammoth proportions coal diggers may
strike, and coal dealers may pool, the Ne
braska hearth will still be warm and cozy
Eastern strikers may put this in their cob
pipes and SNAKE it.-North Bend (Neb.) Flail
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Omaha Dame-Jane, our guest, Mr.. De
Hunter, complains that you chopped up his
decoy ducks for kindling.
New Cook-It wasn't for kindling, num-
thought they was pair Of chickens your
husband sent home, an was tryin' to cut
them, mum
''Of all things! Where was i. you said you
worked before you came heref'
AT Ms De Styles boarding house, mum"
Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
A Douhtful Accommodation.

Brownies employer was calling his atten-
ton to the sales Of another travelling man,
and intimating that he ought to try and do
as we'll
II tell you what it is" said Browne, .'it's
all in the territory a man has to travel Now
any fool can sell goods in that territory"
"Well," replied tine merchant, thoughtful
ly, II think ! will start you out on that route
next month. Merchant Traveller
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
Refreshing Her Memory,

II am 50 glad you came in, Mr. Wabash, :"
said Miss Breezy, brightly; ''mamma and
were trying to recall a certain poets name
Perhaps you can kindly come to our assist
ance. His first name is Walter
''Scottf- suggested Mr. Wabash
mo, not Scott; it begins with w"
"Whitman, possibly; Walter Whitman
''Oh, Yes, that is it, Walter Whitman.
Thanks, awfully The Epoch
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Omaha Travelling Man Din Chicago,-I un-
derstand a good many Chicago families en-
ploy 5000 a year cooks.
Hotel Clerk-Nes, that's so.
Can you tell me how l can set the ad-
dresses of such familiesg"
''Go to the Highly Caterers emporium.
Do you wish to engage cookf'
''Oh, no; am agent for killercures dys-
pepsia medicine"-Omaha World.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

A Boston young man was taken out by
some Fort Worth gunners to kill ducks at
Hurst's lake As q large flock Of canvas
backs floated right by him, and he didn't
shoot, one Of the Fort Worthites got excited
and yelled:
why in thunder didn't you shootr'
"Why," answered the Boston man, ''every
time got my gun leveled at one, four or five
other blamed green headed fools would swim
right in between 30 never could get good
aim at one"
The party went home-Texas Colonel
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

In the early days only few scholars
and priests knew how TO write. 1t was
then Customary to sign document by
smearin.s the hand with ink and impress
Ing it III on the paper, at the same time
saying, Witness my hand" Afterward
the seal WAS introduced AS substitute for
the b#nc mark. the two forming the sig
nature. This is the origin of the express
sion used In modern documents. .--Chicaco
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

''Do you think, doctor. we will have the
cholera here in New York this winters"
asked an inquisitive man Of q New York
health officer
Il have studied the matter closely" replied
the official with great delberation, "and it
is my opinion, from all l can gather, that if
our present exemption from cholera con-
tinues for six months We will not have any
cholera this year. Texas Siftings
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05


thinks. The time
has fully arrived when We humorists ought
to stand by each other
William Shakespeare knew all the time
that he was great man and that some day
he would write pieces TO speak. He left
Stratford at the age of p and went to Lon
don. where he attracted very little attention.
for he belonged to the yeomanry, being a
kind of dramatic Horace Greeley, both in
the matter of clothes and penmanship. Thus
it would seem that while Sir Francis Bacon
was attending a business college and getting
himself familiar with the whole arm move
ment, so as to he able to write free, cryp-
togamous hand, poor W. Shakespeare was
slowly thinking the hair Off his head, while
ever and anon he would bring out his writ
ing materials and his bright. ready tongue
and write a sonnet on an empty stomach.
Shakespeare did not want his plays pub
lished. He wanted to keep them out Of the
press in order to prevent their use at spelling
schools in the hands of unskilled artists,
and SO there was long period of time during
which the papers could not get hold Of them
for publication.
During this time Francis Bacon was in
public life He and Shakespeare had nothing
IN common. bOtn were great men, out Da-
cons sphere was different from ShakesIsarc's.
While Bacon was in the senate, living high
and courting investigation, Shakespeare had
to stuff three large pillows into his pantaloons
and play Falstaff at one night stands.
Is it likely that Bacon, breathing the per-
fumed air Of the Capitol and chucking the
treasury girls under the chin ever and anon,
hungered for the false joys Of the underpaid
and underscored dramatist! Scarcely!
That is one reason why prefer TO take the
side of Shakespeare rather than the side of
Bacon.
l know that Shakespeare has been severely
criticised by the press for leaving his family
at Stratford while he himself lived in Lon
don, only visiting home occasionally, but
am coneinced that he found they could live
cheaper in that way. Help in the house was
very high at that time in London, and the in
telligence offices were doing very large bust
ness without giving very much intelligence.
Friends of his told him that it was not only
impossible to get enough help in London, but
that there was hardly enough servants to pre-
vent panic in the employment bureau.
Several offices were in fact compelled to shut
down for half day at time, one using the
limited stock in the forenoon and the other
in the afternoon.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Distinguished Foreigner-Yes, have trav-
sled great deal in this country and l cannot
help wondering why your government does
not catch these train robbers and lock
them up.
American-Have you met train robberss
PLENTY Of them; they're everywhere, it
seems to me, but l must say they are very
polite for highwaymen-"
Potter
VERY; and notice, too, ttat they are all
colofed men,
''Oh, those are not train robbers; those are
poCterx-Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
Mistaken Her Calling.

"And what does your husband do for a
livin'r asked Mrs. Chatterwell during her
first call on a new neighbOr. He's re-
porter "A whatr "A newspaper re-
porter; he goes about everywhere learns all
the news and takes it to the paper "And
do they pay Tor thatr' shrieked Mrs. Chatter
well, rising to her feet in sheer amazement
"Yes: $50 a month" "Oh. mercy on mel
I've lost MORN $50 900 good money since Two
lived in Talkertownr" She makes a straight
rush for the newspaper ofiice.-Journalist.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

George" she said, and her manner be-
trayed anxiety, 'what has come over papa
of latei He treats you coldly and evidently
tries to avoid you"
He borrowed 80 Of lue couple Of weeks
sSo," explained Geor2e.-Nsw York Sun.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Citizen Ito member of hoard Of trade)-
Any business of Importance accomplished at
the meeting last night
Member-Yes.
Citizen-What was it!
Member-We perfected arrangements for
the annual dinner Of the board.-The Epoch.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
A Hint to . ROarder.

Stout Man Whose appetite had been the
envy Of his fellow boarder,-I declare, I
have lost three buttons of my vest,
Mistress of the House (who had been aching
to give him hint)-You will probably find
them in the dining room, sir.-Judge
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

the Camisole.
Her dainty waist, her pretty .olpp.
Were hidden from ily view
Beneath u Ties cd garment true
Was beautifully blue.
The lace upon it chung about
The curvings Of bef mouth.
II ravished oil my senses and
1t put my wits about
"what call you this seraphic thing
This girl of Lcaytys eoals"
murincred, and she laughing said:
ut is my canisole"
A carnisoS-Jh, idly named
Ny pulses WILLY roll
- sight Of it-how caA it TIM
A'er hope to calm-nysoul:
--CkvsLad Gun.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Gentleman lin clothing store)-I find that
have got to GO to Montreal tonight. and l
want a suit of clothes.
Clerk-Yes, sir. You want q cutaway
coat, Is'pose-New York Sun
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

BAfk !" Al Ip NAnnh n "tS.
One evsning was returning from hunt
with that dog. He had enjoyed the hunt 10
much that not . quail had remained in the
county Suddenly he plunged forward; there
was . quick rush and a scrabble, and beheld
. huge wildcat poised on the limb of a small
tree Just out of the dogs reach Emotion
svelled vtsibly in the cats tail and frenzy
ruled the dog. Istepped back rod, extracted
most Of the shot from one barrel and sprink-
I'D the cat in the region Of the jumpers He
oams out of the tree and came suddenly, and
naxt minute there was a whirlwind of fur
and agony under that tree, and mingled
sounds informed me that both the cat and
the dog bad ascertained that something WAS
wrong There Was a combination Of ciawing
and yowling. splitting and swapping, re-
volvinG and rough and tumble excitement
which lasted about a minute, and then a
peaceful hush succeeded, during which the
sephy1 blew away the cloud Of dust and
hair and disclosed what was left Of the dog
lying serenely at peace with the trivial re-
mains Of the cat, and both so mixed rs to be
tnaspArahle.
The trouble with that dog was that his
pedigree was contradictory. His setter in
stinct prompted him to let go the cat and
run, and his bull terrier instinct prompted
him to hold IN, lie down aud chew, and be
fore be coald make up his mind whether he
ought to obey his father or his mother he
died.
There Is nothing 50 necessary to a sports
nan q thoroughbred, well broken dog
Always purchase q pedigree with the dog
A fun blooded dog with . reliable pedigree
cos0 about $50, which allows elI9 50 for the
1>>1snx,oo md w <~uv,fc fprt tha
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

Lady Ito drug clerk)-A two cent stamp,
please.
Clerk absent minded)-Yes, madam. Will
you take it with you or have it sent-Har-
rar,s Raznr
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
For Her Dear sake.

"Willie,- said young wife, ARE you 60
ing to take part in this tennis tournamentf'
AYES, thought Of it."
please don't, Willie, for my saka"
"Whyr
Because you might win and 1t would
surely get into the pape.."-Washington
Critic
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

An artificial eye seldom lasts more than
five years, the secretion of the glands turn
ing it cloudy.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
Harriage.

Married persons or young men
eensemplasing marriage, aware
- Physical weakness or any
ether AisqaaliAeasiens speedily
relieved. He who places hiDself
under The care 0f D68. ALBERT
may eonAde in his honor ~ .
9enslenan, and confidently rely
0pon his slkill ~ . physician.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
DR.. Albert

7,.s attained the most WonAerful
uuccess In the treatment Of the
e.ses to which he devOses his
speeial asseation, and through
years Of patient labor and re.
search he has discovered the
most infallIble method Of curing
general weakness, Involuntary
discharges. imPOtencys nervous
ness, eonfusion Of ideas, PaiPst.
alton Of the heart, tamidisys
diseases Of the throat, nose and
akin. Affections OF the liver,
stomach and boWels-shese ter
v,hle disorAers that mako life q
miserable existence and render
ing marriage impossible.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05

De sto'keeper's long prars amt no
sign of u long yard stick A. Macon.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
Opposed to Corporal Punishmsnt.

"If your dolly has been naughty, why
don't you whip herr
'cl, don't believe in that sort Of thins~
-Eichange
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-11-05
bIL.- NYe TAKES A HAND.
He wrestles with the Shakespeare Bacol
Problem.

RUSTING that it
will not in any
way impair the
sale of Mr.. Don
nelly's book, l de-
sire to offer here u
few words in favor
Of the theory that
William Shake
speare wrote his
own works and
thought his own
thinks. The time
We humorists ought