Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-02-03
WIT AND HUMoR.

Another great discovery of diamonds
in Kentucky. A man got five of them
on the first deal Philadelphia Press.
The life of the book-agcnt is full
OF NORWOOD and gall. The worm
wood is barely perceptible. Merchant
Traveller.
Nobody appreciates dinner-party in
yitations more than the society young
man who only has apartments. Dos
ton Gazette.
| 1t is said that some children get all
their impressions from their mother.
This. then. is how slippery men origi-
nate.-Macon Telegraph.
There are in Massachusetts $1,000
more women than men. That is why
the women have to stand in the horse
cars. - Boston Transcript
Barber-Protty short. sirp Customer
Well. yes. | am. Just put it down on
the slate. will you? Much obliged to
you for speaking of it.-Lot0eH Citizen.
Midnight is called the Wheeling time
of night, because at that hour it is some
times difficult to determine which to do,
go home or whoop it up larger. Life.
Again we would like to remark that
the man who leaves the snow on his
| sidewalk is he who drops buttons in the
| church contribution box.-Neto HaUen
Nesos.
Tho interest on mortgage and q gas
meter are alike in going on with their
| work whether there is anybody around
to boss tho job or not.-FaH RiUer Id
rance.
Smith with ef'usion) Hello. Brown.
is that you? heard you we're drowned.
Brown with sadness) No, it was my
brother. Smith (thoughtlessly) -What
pity. Washington Crttic.
A subscriber asks: Can you send
me good receipt for good hoarhound
candy?' Certainly We can, dear. Send
along your candy and you will get a
receipt by return mail.-New haUen
News.
PA" asked young Jolly. "what sort
of tree was it that George Washing.
ton cut down with his little hatchet-a
cherry?" Chestnut, my son." replied
the old man, absently; chestnut ~
Puck.
Landlady examining fugitive
bosrder's trunk WHY. Bridget, his
trunk is full of bricksi How could they
have got there? ''Sure, ma'am. he
brought one home in his hat livery
night. Life.
PA" said Johnny. looking up from
his book, 'what does it mean TO pile
Ossa on PelionP" There, don't bother
me now" replied pa; task your ma, she
understands all about millinery. Dos
ton transcript:
'.For what is it that my sad soul
ycarnsP" asks poetess. We don't
know, dear, unless it is for the editor to
send you check instead of the little
note Returned with thanks "-Nctc
Hdren Ncics.
A Massachusetts woman recently lost
the use of her jaw and the doctors say
that she has worn out the muscle that
acts as a hinge. We somehow wonder
that this does not occur oftener. -Netu
Hacen Aca0s.
"Why do the heather rage?" asks q
religious paper. II they got larger
percentage of the money collected for
them perhaps they wouldn't rage so
much. We merely offer this as sug-
gestion. N \. Graphic.
Indeed, it happened in less time
than take to tell il" said the lady who
was considered somewhat of bore
20. haven't the least doubt of that"
replied her patient and truthful listener.
- loaterS Statesman
Faith is sometimes represented by the
figure of drenched female clinging to
sea-wasied rock; but better person
iGcation would bc Il bald-headed man
buying bottle ct patent hair-restorer.
Shoe aid Leather reporter.
Pa. have you got the hydrophobia" !
NO. Bcriic; what makes you ask that
question: We'll, heard ma say to-
day that you got awfuly bitten when
you thou. .Ilt she had fortune IN her
own name. = i!arper's Bazar.
Tcnder-hearted young lady-O! you
cruel, heartless little wretch! to rob
those poor birds of their eggs! Wicked
little boy-Ho! That's the old one at
you've got on yer bonnet Guess she
won't care. Forest aud Stream.
"You can't expect man of my trade
to join this STRIKE" said carpet-beater
why not?" asked the walking delegate
Because we are the only carpet knights,
and we can raise more dust BY working
than loating. - Philadelphia Herald
Mrs. de Hobson (complacently)-Yes,
MIR. Feathlerly. that is y portrait of my
self when a little girl. 1t was painted
by q celebrated artist. Mr.. Feathery
(anxious to say the right ihing)-Er-
one of the old mastcrs?"-N J. san.
A fashion item says: "Bonnets will
not be worn as high this year as last"
If this be true, ali this talk about "ele-
waiting the stage" may as well be
dropped With less lofty bonnets, tho
stage Is high enough. = No"ristown Her
aid.
wide and more than seven miles long
was recently made mt Watertown, n.
!. 1t is thought possible to print an
entire sentence of William NJ. Egarts on
it if agate type is used. -Aew Haven
kcWS.
Sister Clara likes to have You call on
her, Mr.. Feathcriy." said young Bob |
by. Feathcrly's heart gave great
throb as he whispered How do you
know that. Bobby?" because she
says your a perennial amusement -
~ Y. sun.
The boys have an appropriate name
for the pastry cook at onr boarding
house." remarked the Snake Editor. |
What is iip" asked thr Horse Editor. |
"Shc's darby from Virginia, and they
call her the old dough minion. - Pitts
burg Chronscie Telegraph.
W. r. Travers. the wit OF Wall street,
one day saw his wife bringing n motto |
in their home which read. God Bless
Our Home LET me put one into the |
other corner" said Mr.. Travers. What |
is the motto?" II would like TO have it |
read, And d---n our Cook.
PROFESSIONALISM do you know about
the ApcnnInes? STUDENT Happy mines? |
They are in Chicago. They got away
with the pennant three successive sea-
sons. You bet they are happy nine.
I'm glad to see You taking such interest
in baseball, professor. "-1eraS SJt-
tngs.
See here, my friend" SAID the bar
tender to a man who for several min
utes had been engrossed at the free
lunch table; ''ain't you going 10 buy
any becr?" mo, sir" replied the busy
man. Il was reading last night that
beer tends to take away the appetite. -