Morning journal and courier., 1887-08-04
TIPS.

It is said the head waiter of one of the big Saratoga hotels takes home his fees in a tip ! cart.-Boston Commercial Bulletin. (Which will you have ,chloroform or laugh ing gas?" inquired the dentist. "Ether will answer" replied the patient.-Exchange. The signal service bureau is so called be- cause it renders so little service and fails so signally in its prognostications.-Phil delphia Call.
 clones, do you know 'Rienzi's Addressn y asked Smith. ''No, don't," was the reply, 'but you might find it in the directory."- Pittsburg Telegraph.
 Now that Chinaman has been arrested as a tramp there is no possible surprise for the public except that an Apache h. dian has started a laundry.-Baltimore American.
 A writer in an agricultural journal asks: "How can hogs be made to pay?" It is i'm possible. The best way is to keep them out of the hotel dining room altogether.-New Orleans Picayune.
 The hot weather drives some folks to suicide and others to the seaside. And some of the latter soon begin to think that they made mistake by not taking the former course.- Norristown Herald.
 "Barber-"Bay rum?" Granger (whose shave has been supplemented by an applica- tion of the puf-ball) )-"No, Pm temperance; but friend, f you'd jests lieve pass that air cockade over my face agin you'd obleege me. :" Denver News
 ''1 saw Smith just now sitting alone on the veranda. Asked him what he was doing Said he was enjoying himself. The last thing anybody else would try to enjoy. I was tempted to say: The confounded eg otist!'- Boston Transcript.
 "How is the work progressing in Dakota?' asked 6 Boston minister of good brother at the Baptist anniversaries the other day. "Well, am getting along pretty we'll, but still it's rather discouraging. The first week I went there had big congregations. One day there were 150 down on their hands and knees weeping and praying. A man came in and said there were two detectives coming down the road, and every blessed person got up and skipped. ."-Minneapolis Journal.
 First Omaha man (breathlessly)-''M poor friend, the stag party which you in- tended to have at your residence tonight cannot come of" Second Omaha man ''Great CsesarI The dining room is chuck full of jugs and bottles and glasses. Why, it isn't A hours since my wife wrote to me month." "Your wifes I said nothing about your wife. I just came from your part of the town and saw your house burn down." "Oh! Is that alla I was afraid my wife had got home. ."-Omaha World.
 The emergency of weather has made every body soiicitous as to his health. A very young doctor was instructing circle of friends the other night, telling them what, how and when to eat and drink. "The med ical profession is agreed" he said grandly, 'sthat a chronic impairment of the digestive functions results from drinking while one eats; it was never intended that solid and liquid food should be sent into the stomach together" According to that, doctor," said bright young woman, 'sbread and milk is terribly unwholesome dish2" The doctor is still thinking about it.-Buffalo Express.
 The Hare and the Tortoise (with apologies to the late Esop).-There was once Tor toise, who having read the Fables of Hsop, became possessed of desire to try race with Hare. It struck him that he could make good thing of it if he only found the right kind of Hare. After considerable trouble he succeeded in arranging match such as he desired. He induced many of his friends to put up their money on the result of the race, and stacked all his own posses sions on his success. The day of the race ar ed spectators. The word was given, and off they started. The Tortoise indulged in quiet smile as he saw the Hare rushing along far ahead of him, for he reflected that it was about time, according to Esop, for the impe- tuous animal to lie down and take nap. But to the amazement and chagrin, the Hare did not seem to feel sleepy, but kept right on and reached the goal in 2:0711, amid vo ciferous applause. Having won the Race the animal thus addressed the Tortoise: "Old man. times have changed since Esop's day. The nineteenth century Hare is hustler, if you will pardon the slang, and never maps Der that the world moves" Moral: Keep up with the times.-Tid-Bits