davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22
Expulsion of a Joker.

A witty clown, by name Durow, has
just been compelled to leave st. Peters
burg for carrying jokes too far. He was
giving a performance with a pig
trained to various feats. At the mans
command the animal took up from
the ground a number of Russian coins,
including imperials and small silver
and copper coins. When, however.
some ruble notes were thrown down,
the pig refused to pick them up, even
though whipped. Great amusement
was caused by this discriminating act,
and it was intensified rs a voice cried
from the gallery to the clown: You
blockhead, if the Finance Minister
could not raise the paper ruble in four
months, how can you expect 4 pig to
10 it?" Though 4 fayorite with St.
Petersburg audiences. the clown re-
ceived orders to leave the following
day.-M. Y. Posi-.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22

He always loved the joys of home,
AT home he always tarried,
And never thought abroad to roam
Until he'd been for six months married
-BOStO11 Courier.
Here's hair on your shoulder"
said his wife. with an ominous calm.
ness. "Oh-er-yes; I've been play
ing with the poodle" "John. don't
be silly. Flossie is not brunette
poodle. = Washington Critic.
Tho corpse OF an Indiana man ex-
ploded and blew the coffin into kim
ding wood. The fellow had eaten
three mince pies just two days before
the accident occurred. He can not pos
sibly recover.-Ne1CDld'e independent:
George" she said, tenderly. ''do
you believe in tire old saying: Out of
sight, out of mind?' "Wel, no, not
altogether" responded George, hest
tatingly. For instance, take boil
on the back of ones neck. IN 7.
Sun.
Yes" said young Featherly, 81
induced my girl last night to eat three
dishes of ice cream" "Heavens!" ex-
claimed Dumley. fairly aghast; ''you
must have been flush. Where were
yOu-at Del's?" mo, at an evening
party. "-Harper's Bazar.
In the early age of Rome women
were prohibited from using wine. and
hence their near relations were allowed
to salute them with kiss, in order that
they might ascertain by the sense of
smell if they had been drinking its
Why not revive this pleasant !custOmP
Only it shouldn't be confined 10 near
relations. That would destroy all the
charm. Transcript.
-Ponsonby-''Sir,I have come to re-
quest the honor of your daughters
hand in marriage" POmpano-'Im-
possible! Never will l give my con-
sent Ponsonby (anxiously)-''Is
your decision fixed-irrevocable?''
Pompano (frmly)-'.It is Ponsonby
(much relieyed) Thanks, awfully.
Nellie has been Fostering me TO ask
you. and 1 did it just TO oblige her.
PhttGdeLohta CaH.
And viii your love for me grow
cold. she murmured, ''when the leaves
fall and the snow hides the green grass
and the nodding dandelion?''. He
looked with dreamy fondmess into the
azure depths of her trusting brown
eyes. ''Apd VIII there be stove in The
parlor ut Christnastide?' he asked
softly. Yes, Alfred "Then never
doubt that my love viii burn then with
as bright a glow rs now in the harvest
time" and sealing his VOW in scarce
~ audible manner he departed, for il
'chimed midnight.-BufGLO Courier.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22
eERsoNAL AND LMPERsoNAL.

PERSONAL AMI 49, - o
-Siynor Depretis, the recently Se-
ceased Italian Gladstone, was oi1en
called by his countrymen sour s1iao-
stone"
A lady in this city desires us 10
say, says the Jackson (Ienn-) Ds"Ve,
to a certain young man who is aiiicteo
with the serenade craze. that unless ne
ceases his prosecutions of her daughter
with his amorous midnight caterwaul-
ings she will drop a pot of hot waser
on his head.
Mr.. Chauncey NJ. Depew recently
received couple of handsome due
china vases from the French Govern
ment in recognition of his connection.
with the Bartholdi statue celebration
and as a graceful compliment for his
services as orator on that occasion. lit
is said the vases are exquisite speci-
mems of workmanship Frank LeSIte'S.
Steam yachts, luxurious luxuries
that they are becoming. keep null
tiplying. Joseph Stickney, OF the
New York Yacht Club, mas just had
one built. the Susquehsnna, at cost
of one hundred thousand dollars
She is two-masted, schooner-rigged
and measures three hundred tons. BY
means of the trunk cabin the crew may
work the vessel without going on deck.
The New York Sam says there as a
fat restaurateur on Sixth avenue who
insists that all his walters shall be fat
and sleek. "Why?" he repeated the
other day. 'Well, believe that cuss 8
II Nv, hn haU
the appearance Of being well fed. Be
sides. fat walters are not so irritable as
lean ones. and are more obliging. My
fat walters have done much to adTers
tise my grub.
Mrs. William X. Vanderbilt is the
beauty and dasher of all the Wander
bits. Her social doings have ever had
a vim and style undesired, or ut least
unattained, by any other lady among
them. Her toilets, her equipages, her.
diversions have been always new and
sometimes strange, while the others
have seemed to strive for privacy, Sc
clusion and quietude. To her is due
the conception of this round-the-world
splendor.
Speaking of the dead conjuror,
hermann, Il LOnuOn paper says: Ills
tact and audacity were as magnificent
as his manipulation. After bringing
out four globes of gold fish Qarger
than any other conjuror has been able
to work with) from a cloth, he would
90 down into the stalls and request
spectators TO prod his sides and exam
inc his coat-tail pockets, then produc-
ing the fifth bowl, which had been ly- .
ing in the hollow of his back"
The following recently appeared in
the fish column of the New York
Tribune: In 1871, when Mrs. Julia A.
Lennon was on her wedding trip, shO
lost her engagement ring while wash
ing her hands in the toilet room of a
Pullman car. A few days ago a Toledo
fishmonger. while cleaning some white
fish, found the ring inside of one. 1t
still bore the inscription 81. A. B.,
Chicago, go" 1t is supposed to have
passed through the waste pipe as the
train was crossing the St Lawrence
and to have been snapped up as it fell.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22
Let him go,
For death is a comm
Sho and Sho.
"A young man who was about to en-

"A young man who was about to en-.
ter a drinking saloon suddenly stopped.
and with set LOOK upon his face
walked rapidly away. Sir" said an old
gentleman who had observed his move
ments, you fill my heart with joy.
You have resolved never to enter that
accursed place again" Il won't at
present. at least, SIR responded the
youth; ''you see it suddenly occurred
to me that l owe the proprietor seventy
five cents. It'd Bits.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22

why. how very quiet it is here"
exclaimed visitor at the Philadelphia
mint. in great surprise Didn't you
expect it to be quiet?" asked the ut
tendant- mo. indeedi have alwayt
heard that Money talks. '".-ExchdGse
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22
Yankee Shrewdness.

A Northern shoe merchant set Up a
shop in Vicksburg several years ago,
and buying his stock of the manufac-
turer he had always dealt with. with
out reference to any peculiarities
among his new patrons, found himself
loaded with an absolutely unstable
lot of shoes. At first he thought his
case was hopeless, and then noticing
that the few small numbers he had
were too small really for the people
that called for them, he tumbled to the
real state of the case. The Vicks-
burg ladies were greatly gratitied at
his automatically loud avowals that he
had bought his stock all wrong through
ignorance of the tininess of the South
ern foot. and when he at considerable
expenditure of time and ingenuity.
managed to mark a large part OF his
stock over again and invited them TO
come and see his goods bought for lit
tie feet, he drove good trade. and he
saws saved himself from bankruptcy.
AS fact, however. he did have few
boxes of advanced sizes for which he
had no call whatever. !. GrGphtc.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22

"A woman who had recently married
a rich man, and put on n good deal OF
style. meeting an old servant OF her
fathers family, asked: DO they miss
me ut home now?'' To which the serv-
ant replied: ''Law. no. TAey don l
Miss you ut all. You're Dnly plain
Maria, at home, just Is you alwayi
was. ~. !. Ledger.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1887-09-22
ga LITTLE NONSENSE"
The Novelty Wore OFF,

He always loved the joys of home,
AT home he always tarried,
And never thought abroad to roam
Until he'd been for six months maj
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

how real sharp chap will spoon around
his girl in hack the same as
If the man on the box was deaf, blind
and dumb and there never were electric
or gas lamps at street corners. Talking
about politicians, have had turn with
them during election times. Job after
job have heard put up.
"Many politicians have I taken to
as stiff games of poker as are played in
this section of the country. Night
after night used to take local politicians
to the suburbs and wait hours for
them while they went wild over cock
fights. Within the reach of my memory
! can't recall single instance when I
failed to guess correctly whether the
man who took me to the races
won or lost. If he dumped his stakes
and was game it was hard to tell he was
a loser unless you were used to the re-
served manner he talked of his betting.
The air would be filled with whiskey
fumes and boast if he was a winner.
have taken drunken men to their homes
and ministers to churches; the wounded
to hospitals and athletes to the field of
contest; the rich to mansions and
unfortunates to Jail, answered the
summons of suffering and brought
VIC physician, stlil anu got as
much show as one of these palsied cabs
we've just got in town. They can stand
on a street corner on Sunday, but
can't They can pull up any place around
a railroad depot; I can't. Dead wrong
this arrangement; it looks as If some
body was being fixed to keep an eye for
cabs. All I've got to say is that an old
hack ought to head the list of everything
on wheels, and have the freedom of the
town because it knows more"
Rats |" screamed the brougham.
Look here, gas bag, I'll make your
lah-de-dah of boss hang Grape on his
door for you if you monkey with me-"
fiercely announced the old hack as it
settled more firmly on the trestle, and
cut short further talk.
FELIX BARNLEY.
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10
A SWAN CAUGHT ON THE FLY.
How the Champion of the World Cam
tured His Bird.

How the Champion of the World Cap
tured His Bird.
Frank Copple is chief vaquero on the
Ranch Chico, and his old horse, Buck, with
almost human intelligence, is known to all
the boys on the ranch. Frank, assisted by
his horse, has lassoed everything from wild
Western steer to a cinnamon bear, and the
other day set the top feather in his cap for
the world to compete for. General Bidwell
has in his deer park large pond, in which a
graceful white swan proudly floats. Some
days ago the bird escaped, and all efforts to
capture him proved futile Shooting him
through the wing was finally suggested.
when Copple happened along, and on being
told what was the matter he volunteered to
was told to go ahead, and off he started after
his swanship, which. when he saw Frank,
arose in the air and sailed out to Sandy
Gulch, Frank following on his horse, but no
way could he find Of catching the bird, until
the coiled riata at his side suggested an idea,
novel and startling. Why not lassoo the
6irdr and Just that quick was the sixty foot
horsehair lariat unwound. What favored
the plan most was the bird few only from
thirty to forty feet from the ground, but
another difficulty presented itself-Frank
could not throw his RATA from sitting posi-
to his feet IL the saddle and started at full
galop after the bird, which arose and began
flying. Now he is under it, with the swan
forty feet In midair. Once, twice. three
times the rope circles around his head and 4
thrown with quick, unerring aim, upward
and outward. 1t cuts through the ar and
The struggling bird was drawn TO the ground
ana taken TO the park. where It u now con-
fned.-CAiea0o Eaierprias. ! -
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

church up town. He plays the organ and
manages all good things around. No man
in the city works the thing finer, for he
goes on a dandy bender every couple
months and was never found out until the
last trip. He came after me and took him
about in great shape. Long after midnight
we were near De City Hall when he
spied q saloon light and of course he
made me stop. told him the place was
tough, but in he would go. When he
came out his watch was missing. As
full as he was, he noticed that and
went back after his property. The next
thing l seen he come sailing true the
door with his nose cut. l tried to take
him home, but he wouldn't go. Coax.
ing wouldn't work. He got so mad
with me he sent me away. Inside an hour
afterward he was in police station.
Next morning he went to Jail because he
couldn't pay his fine for being drunk.
What was the worst part of the business
was, he gave wrong name to hide him
self and by 1t was committed. When
his friends, worried at his not coming
home, inquired at the station ii any
accident was reported to a man by his
right name, the police didn't know the
fellow had been there. He stayed two
days in jail and was only found by one of
the members of the grand jury, who.
with others of that body, was on visit
to the prison, and who was also big
man in the same church as the other.
Another night, a fellow who has a good
job in the postotfice now went with me
to the police station because he set up
twelve bottles of wine for himself and
two friends when he did not have cent
in his pocket. Nobody knew him where
he got the stuff, but his style took and
all the wine he wanted was given him.
The only satisfaction that could be
taken from him was to fine him for being
drunk. l could tell hundreds of stories
if l wanted about curious sights. 1 have
carried gamblers in the flush of their
winnings; pale-faced clerks with blue
blotches under their seyes, reeking in
smoke and whiskey; mechanics just paid
their monthly wages and dizzy from
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

that comes along these days on |
wheels thinks it's the finest con- lYN
cern out. There amt any of 'em Y
any good. Give me the old-time
hack. That's the king of 'eR
all. II you want tip the old hack will
give It to you straight. When I am all
right again follow me, if you want to
see the world"
"You have had an interesting expert
ence, suppose p queried the carriage.
II should say so," was the glib answer
Of the old hack, now in talkstiye mood.
"You would hardly believe it, but
started out in war-days, and since then
have seen every shade Of life. Oh, my
but It does seem strange how have
kept upl No one took much stock in
me. suppose they couldn't, because
wasn't built that way. Don't you know
people would laugh II they saw me with
fancy curtains and funny seats like that
dude over therei Yet there was time
when there were those who were proud
Of me. After . while. however, my
place ives taken and ] was nevsr brought
out nntil night For . decade ef ysars
! haxs bean rsttling along II darkness.
NJ ~ assens afsaid of dsylIsht 81 ~
/! d!ly5 ee ~ = saeA Il ~ ~
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10
KING OF COACHES.
THE RECOLLECTrONs OF THE BUSY
DAYS OF AN OLD HACK.
[ Copyrighted, lse7.1


Away back in . corner Of wheel
wright's shop stood an old hack with q
fractured axle, propped on trestle Its
queer, faded curtains dropped painfully
low. Near the street door in full gaze of
passers-by was proud brougham in all
the glory Of ebony polish and the vanity
of a big crest. Even it's tongue was
stuck up. Other vehicles, too, were
there, but they lived close to the walls,
as they had no chance at rivaling the
beauty Of their aristocratic leader. And
the wheelwright was proud of his fa-
vorite, for 1t reflected much credit
on him. The old hack was sad looking,
indeed, but it was not at the supremacy
of the brougham, but at its own decay.
Once the wheelwright came along and
gave 1t shake Poor old hack it nearly
tumbled off its springs. The brougham
laughed at its feeble condition, and with
patronizing air toward yellow-bodie
dayton wagon aarcastically remarked II
would be fine thing If. the hack was
pounded into splinters. A fresh-looking
road wagon thought the idea an exceed
ingly clever one, particularly if junk
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

dawn touches the east. Queer, 10 Il
nots once thought he was ashamed Of
me, and that was the cause of my being
hid during the day; but I know other
hacks as what are treated the same way.
A tiresome life you think have every
night, wet or dry, hot or cold. standing
in the street. Well, It is not as monot-
onous as you imagine. / see the very
cream of life, I do"
At the latter assertion the brougham
roared with laughter. When 1t caught
its breath 1t said disdainfully "Lifcl
have more style about me in one after
noon than you have in ten years
"In your mind" the old hack sneered.
"The fellows who ride in you in daylight
wouldn't bring you out at night, for they
couldn't trust you. You'd tell on them,
you would. Besides you're too nasty
niceto be out after dark. If you rolled
into little hole you would break your
self into splinters. You Just bet the
sports who do the caper so fine along
side purity ladies, while you ride 'em
through the swell streets, only come after
me in hurry as soon as it's dark. They
are glad to get away from you. Lor' what
time 'em fellows do havel Ride all
cigars and then down the road Why,
dude, II you seed your bosses 'ioying
themselves with me the sight would crack
your winders and break your body into
little sad pieces. It's all right if amt got
'em down fine. The town wouldn't be-
lieve 1t if told 'em the nice fellows who
wouldn't drink or have fun in daylight,
but who pull tusk out of the elephant
when the stars are out"
The old hack, with flourish of proud
knowledge, subsidized into mute contem-
plation Of its own recollections. s+--.s..
"Pray go on" urged the family car.
riage, 81 am interested. Do tell us some.
thing of your experiences"
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

dealer officiated at the dissolution. The
old hack looked from the brougham to its
coadjutor and gravely remarked: "If I
am splintered, get piece Of me it'll be
the only valuable thing yen have" and
then, as II in anger, 1t continued, "Why, I
have seen more in one week than all of
ye will see in a life time"
"Yes, you have" contemptuously re-
torted the brougham.
"Yes, have, swelled-neck dude p hotly
responded the old hack, land let it not
elude your mental retention. I've carried
the banner. You why you weary me
looking at you. Ifyou got good thump
the bottom would fall out of you. You
don't know enough to keep from blister
ing when the sun shines on you. What
did you ever see? Where did you ever
gof A fat old man and woman who
went out riding along watered streets
every afternoon, charity ball, lecture,
a dry goods shop-that's what you seen.
Say, dude, you couldn't go outside
your stable-door even if somebody did
want to show you thing or two, widout
your boss said so."
II would not become angry" mildly
interposed family carriage.
"Oh, I amt getting mad" explained
the old hack. 1T only breaks me up
when I see airs with no reason for
them"
1T is annoying, to say the least"
apologetically said the carriage.
"Well, should say it was" continued
the old hack. every new-fangled snap
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10

and the godfather, foolish looking, but
peaceful. Oh, my how the mamma Of
that baby waited TO hear me come up the
street after the parson had fixed the
youngsterl Say, you want to see that
sight when new mother gets her baby
back to her breast again and you'll say
there IL something in this world better
nor Doodle. How that white face of hers
is framed in red as Joy shoots the blood
into It'll Talk about . lovers look into
the eyes of his dame, II amt 0 marker
to the gaze q mother gives her baby.
There's where you see something can't
explain that says wealth, fame, health,
happiness, and even life itself 10 wrapped
up in the poor wee chap, who amt no
good to anybody nor himself. The only
thing he can do Is to squint his eyes,
make little bubbles on his lips and then
yell.
"pve followed that baby's corpse to
the grave, and how different the scene
When the tiny white casket went into
the grave often felt like 1t was loaded
with mothers heart. Don't like grave
yard sights, because there is lot of false
show made. Women cry and scream at
the grave, and laugh on the road going
home; men who didn't care picayune
lOT tu0 ucdu lOllOWcu dHu WOuiuu give
him a lift when he was alive IL he was
starving; say purity things about him.
Everybody who goes to funeral don't
feel sorry. They show up because they
are invited and think they can't get out
of going. As soon as a man dies list
of those to be asked to ride to the grave
is made out, and any one who is at all
prominent who knew the dead man
Is invited. It's good for my trade
all the same. My lap has held
many bridal parties, and often they are
solemn shows. The bride looks scared
and all broke up. / never yet saw it
miss that one of her gloves didn't raise a
laundering pile of trouble. If she had a
train to her dress, it was go that it
caught on my step when she got out at the
church. A fellow ought to see how
foolish he looks when he leads the girl
up the steps. He always takes short
steps to accommodate the bride elect, as
the politicians would say, and has a
consciousness that he is doing clown
act. After he gets her he is easier in his
actions. Plenty of hugging and kissing
going back to the house. They amt the
only ones who do that. I often caught
pair of lovers smacking at each others
lips on the way home from picnic or
excursion. A hard thing to understand
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-11-10
EXAMPLES TO CHILDREN.
Necessity OF Parents Looking Well to
Their Own Conduct.

Necessity Of Parents Looking Well to
Their Own Conduct.
"The best way to train up child in the
way he should go is to travel that way.
once in while, yourself" observed a
great moral philosopher. The profound
truth embodied in this epigrammatic OBJ
servation has been otherwise expressed
In the words, Example is better than
precept." Children are far more influ-
enced by what they see their elders do
than by what the latter say to them.
Their characters, apart from heredity,
are formed by the circumstances around
them far more than by the abstract
truths or specific instructions so often
formulated for their benefit.
And II must be remembered that the
scrutiny of children upon adults is per-
petual and minute. No grown spy could
be paid to watch as an alert and affec-
tionate child does over those who have
him In charge. In after years he recalls
gestures, looks, tones, trivial enough to
the one who used them, forgotten with
the mood which gave them birth, but
which made their lasting impress on his
sensitive mind, largely determined his
DOAsSAAAVaso AVS tAO
very likely, exercised permanent infiu-
ence for good or evil ON his moral nature.
This consideration shows that . re-
sponsibility awful to contemplate rests
upon those who raise children. Think
OF having to answer not merely for the
stain which your fault has left on your
own soul, but for some permanent dis
tortion Of the immortal part Of an un-
thinking childl We may shelter
ourselves behind the selfish reason.
Ing that grown-up people must
surely the helplessness Of infancy de-
nands of 10 . degree Of extra care in
walking the slippery path Of life lest, in
our own stumbles and erratic courses,
We shall not merely bruise our own
natures but in6ict an inefaceable injury
on those who lean ON NJ because they
cannot stand alone.