davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
The Cocktail Feminine,
New York Sun.

A gentleman on his way out of a
Broadway theater between the acts asked
lady if he could do any thing to relieve
her WEAKNESS. She said: ''Yes, just do
as we'll by me as you will by yourself y
He did. On his return he laid a pretty
bunch of flowers in her lap, and, when
their extraordinary weight aroused her
attention, behold, cxnningly fastened by
a wirt in the center has half-pint
pumpkins seed bottle. Through the cork,
into the heart of Gala lily, went a straw.
With what wealthy of admiration for
mans Invention did she hold that fra
grant bouquet to her pleased face! The
bar that had got up this novel way of in
PRODUCING a mild cocktail to a lady will
doubtless prosper. But whenever lady
in theater is seen inhaling the frag GRANGE
of huge bouquet it is suspected that she
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
At a Low Ebb.
Arkansaw Traveller.

ArKanSaW traveller.
~. Abelson Peters," said the managing
editor of great daily, glancing at a card
which had just been handed him. ''Show
him up"
A few moments later man so conscious
Of his mpressiveness that he made
painful efforts to be impressive stepped
into the room. He was dressed like an
undertaken, aud, bowling to the editor,
presented him with sort of pallbearer's
smile.
"You have, of course, read my paper"
said the visitor, as he lifted his coat-tails
and seated himself.
''What paper do You representa-"
"The HoganviIle Forum. [ am the
humorist of that paper. OF course you
have read extracts from it?"
mo, [ think not" the editor cruelty re-
piled.
"Why, The Hornpiks Pebble repub-
lished an article of mine this week. Be-
lIeve I've got copy of it now"
He drew out small sheet, firted the
creases out of it, and pointed to an article
headed. "a Good Joke on our Leading
Merchant" Il wrote that the other night
s RlS NV Write 6efasHr @ len ant afdne can
80 can I, and [ have considerable
work to do at present." the great editor
replied.
'Yes, much better the humorist re-
piled. II ara growing out of foolish
dialogue and am getting down to senten-
tious merit. I think that every smile
should be accompanied by a healthful
suggestion, every laugh by thought. AS
I make progress in this direction l find
that my work is read by a more select
class. I used to write for minstrel and
circus men, but now [ write for philo
sophers. Now, to show you how far above
my former self I am getting, will relate
a little Incident"
"You'H have to excuse mo-"
"Only take minute. This morning I
went over to the circus-ground and ap-
piled for admission, but do you know,
sir, that [ was refuseds had gotten SO
high above the circus that the fellow, to
get even with me, refused to let me look
at his show. Then good idea occurred
to me. [ thought that /. would come
around and let you interview me on the
subject. Capital, don't you think?'
"Capital effrontery, yes. You must ex
cuse me, or, rather, shall be pleased to
excuse YOU"
SCOT circus ticket about your clothes
any-where?"
''Close the door after you, please"
"Give me circus ticket and Til send
you an article. No? Got none? Is it
possible? Sitting right here almost with
in sight of the tent and got no tickets.
l must say that journalism in this town
is as a low ebb.'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07

Some day 1 am going to get myself a
crest. I am only waiting for something
to put it on. It will consist of monkey
with his eye knocked out and bright
green parrot with his tail pulled OF
and over this the simple remark: ''We
have had high old tirne," or words TO
that effect.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
The Mirror at Her Back.
PHILADELPHIA News.

At recent flower fete in London one
of the beauteoGs maids in that English
village set the town by the ears and
completely crushed her jealous sisters.
She had figure famed for its beauty, and
her skin was like tinted marble. This
she got only showed to the young men
who faced her at the stall, but the back OF
her corsage was so scooped away that she
resembled sculptor's nude model. But
say you, there was no one behind to look
at beauty thus unadorned.
Well, no. But-the back of her stall
was one hugo mirror. And 1t was this
same mirror that had made the otner
girls realize that they had oeen backed
out.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07

The town is full of northern folks, and
the position of the native is well stated
in the words of a little darky, who, asked
how he got living, said: "In de sum
mer, sab, we lives oTen de fishes, and in
de winter We lives often de sick Yankees"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
A Good Example as to Stays.
Brooklyn Eagle.

The Princess of Wales has endeavored
to set good example in the matter of
tight lacing. Her daughters know moth
ing of corsets, and the Princess insists
upon plenty of room for the free play of
her organs. She is called the best dress
ed woman in Europe, but it is not gener
ally known that she not only frequently
designs her own costumes, but cuts and
fits them as well, and that her daughters
have learned the complete art or dress
making.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
Heaven Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Indianapolis Journal.


The reason a West Virginia preache r
walked into Charleston without any
clothes On and looking like a piece of
raw beef was because he met bear two
miles out of town.. and the bear wanted
to have a little fun with him. The
preacher depended upon the Lord for
the first ten minutes, but after that used
his jack-knife and club, and Satan was
finally put to rout.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
The Youngest Bovine Mother.
Tuscola Qll.) Cor. Globe Democrat.

A thoroughbred Jersey cow belonging
TO R. Fletcher Helm, county clerk of this
county, gave birth to a calf on the 18th
inst. at the age of eleven months and
thirteen days, according to accurate rec
ord, and the animal is considered the
youngest bovine mother in the country.
The cow is small for its age, and the calf
is little larger than a jack rabbit. Mr..
Helm vouches for the correctness of the
above assertion, and a look at the young
Jerseys will convince any one that it is
frua
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
Fatally Stung by a Centipede.
Nashville American.

Cooke county comes to the front with
the horrible death of young man named
Chas. Allison Several years ago his
brother William went to Texas to engage
in the cattle business. He came back
last week on visit. Last Sunday morn
ing the two brothers were pre- pairing to
go to church, when Charles put on coat
which his brother had brought from
Texas with him. In few minutes he ex-
perienced burning sensation on the arm.
He took off the coat and tore open the
sleeve, when deadly centipede from the
plains of Texas was seen crawling slowly
up his arm, singing as it went. Medical
assistance was hastily summoned, but
winch the doctors arrived his arm had
sWoiien 90 twice its natural size, aid in.
Few hours hurst along the poisoned track
of the insect, The Young man died in
most horrible agony and was buried the
next day.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07

A cadet at West Point was recently ar
rested and confined three DAYS in the
guard house for brushing fiv off his
nose while on parade. And that same
day the Indians came up to small fort
in Northern Dakota and chased the man
On picket duty mile and half and
yelled so loudly that the hair of the com
handing officer, who recently came from
Washington, turned white. And the
government never said a word-not
whisper. You wouldn't have known it
was anywhere around. In fact it wasn't.
1t was back at West Point running that
poor cadet all over the grounds and
whooping at him till it was hoarse and
asking him what he ment by insulting
the flag by brushing that fly off his nose.
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22

Moveral. expanding what little breath
we have left in q faint attempt at a
cheer. But it was much too cold on
mat bare bleak crag, exposed to all the
WINDS OF heaven, for us to remain there
long; and we were soon on our way
down again, little dreaming that the
most exciting event Of the whole day
was still to come. We had hardly de-
scended a hundred feet, when all at
ohce there came a rattle and a crash.
and Jack Selby was gone! Like light
mag Marletaz sprang forward and dis
appeared likewise. For a moment l
stood motionless, hardly knowing what
TO 40; then l rushed to the edge Of the
cilfi' and looking over, saw a sight
that l shall not easily forget. Thirty
1eet below me, just at the point where
the steep descent ended in a sheer
preclpice, the two men were hanging
IN mid-air, the Englishman on his back,
with his feet swinging over the gulf;
Inc Swiss on his knees beside him,
grasping jacks collar with one hand
and a projecting rock with the other,
over which the blood was running freely
from a terrible cash. But there was
not a tremor in the quiet voice which
babe selby draw up his feet. Slowly
and cautiously Jack obeyed, and then,
while Marletaz held his collar, proceed
ell to turn round, so as to face the cliff.
l held my breath as l saw him begin to
move, knowing that the least slip would
be fatal; but in another moment he had
his feet firmly on the lowest ledge of the
incline, from which, aided by the sure
footed guide, he soon regained the spot
whence he had fallen. Two hours later
we were safe in the valley again; and
that night, and for several days after,
Jean Louis was the hero of the entire
village.-David Ker. in Golden DAYS.
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22

Last spring a workman in a shop
fixed a very fine wire so that his fellow
workmcn would run against it and be
brought up standing. He thought it
was FUNNY. One OF his fellows was
caught across the eyes by the wire.
One eye was destroyed, the other in-
iured. and the pain and shock resulted
in II stroke of paralysis, and the mar Is
now likely to die.-N. \. Sun.
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22
-,,r FASCINATING BOARDER.

ruE fASLINA
The other night we sat around
Trs table, pea o score:
ise urs r.. with smiles: '-To-nigft
Ss Wou'I have one member more
fascinating boarder; re-
MT hush he's at the door,"
:. ,or he talked! OF every thing
A %ow much and we'll he knew!
~, w;sdou, wit and sentiment,
~" fast the moments flew!
,,a ;ustice did to every theme,
And to bis dinner too.
very taking fellow, yes,
m that we all agreed.
,rvas Just before dessert be rose
uis nose began to bleed
ea,1ed handkerchief, excused himself
And left the room with speed.
u,w fat the conversation 1ellI
n seemed to lose all zest;
rncomiums we're passed upon
This comrade OF the best,
congratulating Mrs. T.
Upon her new-found guest
rbe dinner done, we left the room
In clearinghouse pell.mell:
put when we reached the upper floors,
We found all was not well;
The boarders at each other looked
Asi if transilxed by spell.
That taking fellow we admired
That boarder-where was he:
Ask of the jewelry and clothes
We shall no longer see.
Ask of the pawn-shop, the police
Ask any one but me.
George Birdseys, in It'd Bits.
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22
HANGING In MID-AIR.
Fearful Adventure in the Higher
Alps.

Just the morning for u work, eh,
Inv boy? Wen manage the old fellow
Ibis time. never fear"
So speaks my English friend, Jack
selby, expanding his brawny chest in a
LONG breath of satisfaction, US he looks
up at the bright morning sky, against
The clear blue of which the dark-green
nasse, of pine forest that clothe the sur
pounding hills seem doubly somber.
The work spoken of by my athletic
comrade is nothing less than the seal
ng of the "old fellow" in question:
kast tower of stern gray rock and shelly
(ng gravel, more than ten thousand
feet in height (known as "Le Grand
b1overan''), which hangs like Il thun-
a%er-cloud " the higher end of the
charming little mountain glen in which
We are quartered for the time being.
Twice we have been driven back from
by a sudden outbreak of bad weather,
buch as is at all times common enough
n this region of storms. But the third
Ittempt seems to promise a fair chance
fsuccess, and so, evidently, thinks our
guide, Jean Louis Marletaz, q wiry lit
lie Swiss peasant, active as a monkey,
lnd brave as u lion.
"See You. monsieur, to-day re
Weather be all good, because re clouds
lit so high. When you see re mountain
Ehat we call pull him hat over him
yes, den come re bad time. To-day all
30 well, suppose fog not come"
"Aud iifog come. what thenP" asked
kelby.
Jean Louis answered only by an ex-
(@ressive shrug, and a motion of his
land suggestive of something falling
rom Il great height, which needs no
EXPLANATION. Tramp, tramp, away he
Fent, across the small, green plateau
yer which the tiny huts of our village
fas scattered like dominoes fallen
fom some giants pocket-up a steep,
rassy slope beyond-then down a
reakneck bridle-path, covered with
plling stones, into a gloomy gorge,
prough the depths of which a foaming
Pountain-torrent went flashing and
pairing among black masses of fallen
pck, on its way down in the
stant Rhonc. We footed it
Pmewhat gingerly along the round,
lppery pinc-trunk that bridged
Pc chasm Cover which our active lit
+ guide had tripped as nimbly as a
Ppe-dancer), and browning a rocky
Fdge on the farther side, found our
Yves in a narrow, green valley, or
kther hollow, shut in by the Grand
~oyeran on n side and by the Dent
ouge (Red Tooth), an insignificant
Ftle peak not more than six thousand
|et in height, on the other.
Suddenly a deep, mufiled reverbera-
Pm, echoed back from every cleft of
e dark rocks ground us, was heard
F away up the mountain side.
"Rock-fall," said Marletaz, quietly,
answer to our inquiring looks. "Dat
nat make &c mountain so dangerous.
hen olse rock fall, he bring down
pre-; and so at last dere come down
! great hill of rock and earth, dat
|ke away house all same as egg-shell."
rand does that sort of thing happen
fenP' asked Jack, looking rather
|ank.
"Veree often it happen-everee day
|metlmes. Look-seeW And he point
around him as we began to wind up
Rrd through the shadowy pine-woods
at frlnged the base of the Grand
pveran. "Dis gap, troo which we
was made by one great eboulemcM
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22

1t will be seen by the subjoined esti-
mates of the worlds crop Of coffee for
the year 1886, that American coffee
practically monopolizes the trade, and
its cultivation in South and Central
America is capable Of indefinite eypan-
sion. The quantities have been reduced
to the equivalent Of Rio bags of 100
pounds each:
The Grenada gazette. (Grenada, Miss.) 1885-18??, 1887-01-22

The average price for Rio coffee by
the cargo was o.o1 cents per pound for
the year 1885, the lowest point reached
since 1882. when the average was S.S4.
philadelphia Times.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20
FAIRCHID,s aUrrEAIsM.

We are glad to see that the words of
Guiteauism uttered by FAIRCHlLD meet
with diSapprObatiou from Grand Army
men, except here and there few 6reaeters
Let us here repeat the mutterings Of this
bowling lunatic:
May God palsy the hand that wrote
the order. May God palsy the brain that
conceived it, and may God palsy the
tongue that dictated it. "
Now listen to the dying words OF hero
and patriot, this from General GRANTS
letter to General BUCENEE.
Il have witnessed since my sickness
lust what have wished to see ever since
the war-harmOny and good feeling be-
tween the sections, have always contend
ed that if there had been nobody left but
the soldiers We valid have had peace in a
wear, and are the only two
that know of who do not seem to be sat
isfied on the southern side. We have
some on ours who failed to accomplish as
much as they wished. or who did not get
warmed up to the fight until it was all
over, who have not had quite full Satisfac-
ton The great majority, too, of those
who did not 20 into the war have long
since grown tired OF the long controversy.
We may now we'll look forward TO per-
petuaI peace at home, and a national
strength that will secure US against any
foreign complication. believe, myself,
that the war was worth all il cost us.
Fearful, rs that was, since it was over /
have visited every State in Europe and
number in the East. l know, IS / did not
know before, the value of our inner
itanee"
The Louisville C0HrieS-J Ogy1sdl COM
menting on the situation, makes some
happy hits. We quote few at random:
L THAT De rhetoricaDs, who know as lit
tie of war as they care about truth-quite
carried away by their own slaughter of
epithets and overcome by the lust Of con-
quest by proXy-shOuld air their verbose
fnery and sport q spurious patriotism or
suggestion of this kind is characteristic of
the lion-hearted quill-driyer and the roar
ing Bengal singer Of ink; but when the
real matter is boiled down to an essence,
the phial containing it viii be labeled, if
labeled at all, black mail Under the
whole of this elamor there Turks q delib-
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20
what Comes of keeping Republicans In


once.
A Buser Cban,y COIOael in PfitsoHp Posi-
What is all the hubbub about the return
of the Rebel fings2
/ tell on, Mr.. Editor, it all comes from
keeping Republicans in office.
This man Drum who issued the order TO
send the war trophies back to the Southern
governors is 8 Republican. He was APP
Doiuted by the sainted Garfield three
months after he was inaugurated.
What better could you expect Of a Re
publican holding Office under Democratic
administration
i say turn the raScals out"
What did Cleveland do when his atten-
ton was called to MI. Republican Drums
order?
He called him up and said: ''See here,
Mr.. Adjutant General, where did you get
the law to issue this order?"
Republican Drum stammered out:
''Well, was told / could do it under the
general powers Of my office.
Grover Cleveland-''To hell with your
general order. Here is the law showing
your act is illegal"
Republican Drum-"But Mr.. Presi-
dent'-
Grover Cleyeland-"But me no butts.
Issue an order at once reyoking your letter
to the governors. / am running this little
machine. Did you read what Fairchild
said about paralysing your hand and
tongue? Better look out, or you will 60
into decline and resignation"
That's what Cleveland said. know the
man and heard every word Of it.
Drum is one of the rascals that ought to
have been turned out long ago. We
wouldn't have had such nonsense then as
this order of his.
What does he care about the good name
Of the Democratic party or the Cleve'
land administration?
He is working his little Republican
racket on the sly.
Turn the Rascals Out, Mr.. President,
and do it p. d. q,
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20

Il AN TOLD" said General Sherman
the other day, that within q short time
a back country man came into the town
of Cumberland, W. Va, accompanied by
a eolored man, to make inquiries as to
the selling price of niggers. He wanted
to sell his colored man, 80 he said, and
he came to town for that purpose. Neither
he nor the darkey knew anything about
emancipation OF any OF the events con-
nected with the war. IL seems almost
impossible that such thing should occur
over twenty years after the close Of the
war, and yet it may have occurred
We know of no town in West Virginia
by the name OF Cumberlond nor have We
ever heard of the man making Enquiries
as to the selling price of niggers." But
the lack of facts makes no difference to
those who are in The habit of trying to in
lure the good name of our State. General
Sherman would like to believe that the
war il not yet over.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20

crate, earefully-planned conspiracy be-
tween the swashbuekler and the dema-
gogue to rob the Treasury"
'@The veto Of the Dependent Pension Bill
was the motOr-the Confederate battle-fAg
order is the signal
"There is to be one last orgy around the
dying embers of sectional strife before the
party Of venom dies its death There Is to
be one final rally of the elements of vim
dietiveness and rapine before the despiea-
bic leaders Of this party relinquish their
faith in hate as q political creed. The
Bloody Shirt is once more to suPersede
All other claims, and the people are
TO be asked 10 open anew the purse
of the nation to pillage because the Presi-
dent of the United States directed
the Old Clothes Basket Of the War De
partment to he emptied of its dirty linen. !"
This is a vulgar bid for Republican pr
macy. 1t is designed to to Out-FAIRCHILD
SHERMAN. 1t comes from the lips Oh
soldier who has the bee in his bonnet AID
has either been stung by it out OF his SEN
ses or melted by it to a thrifty exclamation
of mawkish and simulated passion. 1t
would be ridiculous if it were not inia-
nous"
''There is no class in the South answer
ing the description Of the man-Of-straw
whom mad partisans and mercenary pa
triots are setting up before the gaze of the
Northern people"
"But, truly, q more senselsss much
ado-about-nOthing we have rarely met
even among those believing followers OF
BELLoSA, to whom war is blessing and
peace a curse"
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20
DIED.

PRAGER-On Saturday, June IS, 1887, AT 1880
O'Clock D m at the residence Of her parents,
No lO7 Twelfth street, HAZEL, youngest daughter
Of Charles and Sarah Prayer, aged year and ID
days
The funeral will take place this afternoon at
O'Clock from the family residence.
MAHAN-On Sunday, June 10, 1887, at 1 p. m,
JAMES MAHAN, in his list year.
Funeral from his late residence, No. PISS Main
street, on Tuesday at a. m. Friends are invited
10 attend
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-06-20

IT is reported that to-day the Supreme
Court of Missouri will confirm the decision
of the st. Louis Court in the case Of MAX
WELL the murderer of PRELLER, and that
sentence to hang will soon be executed.
HUGH NJ. BROOKS alias WALTEE LENNON
maxwell, made the acquaintance of c.
Arthur PRELLER on an Atlantic steamer
and decoyed him to st. Louis, where he
murdered him with chlOrofOrm and then
packed his body in trunk. He robbed
the remains of 500 and fed to Auckland,
New Zealand, where he was captured and
brought back. The murder occurred
April >, 1SSj, and was not discovered for
eight days. MAXwELL's defense hoped
for a reversal on the grounds that the State
introduced detective in the cell with
maxwell, who wormed \ confession
from him. The great interest in the trial
will be recalled by the REGISTER readers.