The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-10-21
HIS Fair Experience.

air AssOciatiOn has received the f0l-
owing letter:
~ am farmer, and l hear you are
going to have another agricultural fair
next fall, and l thought l would write
and tell you that am getting ready
for 1t.
"You probably don't remember me,
but / attended your fair last year.
brought the doggondest biggest pun
kin on the grounds, though l reckon
mebby you didn't see it, most of your
time being took up keeping a record
Of the different racing horses entered.
l also had 6ne blooded COW, while
my wife brought big loaf of bread
so light it wouldn't hardly lay still, and
two bottles of ho'made wine; though |
you might not of saw these either, as
! noticed that besides the hoss business
you had enough work for one man is
suing permits to those sturdy farmers
which had three-card monte outfits
and such other agricultural products.
"And, after all, it cost me ten dol.
lars to see the other side of the cards
one of these gentleman exhibited.
81 reckon | may say had hard luck
at your fair last fall. When / first
drove in the folks was making such
hollering bout hoss race that had
Just come off that my team got scarf
and run away and sprained my wife's
ankle. While l was looking round
for good place to put the big punkin
man come along and said he was
Judge on wines and drank up both bot
ties of ours.
81 afterwards saw him standing in
front of tent and yelling: 'Ere's yer
chancel 'ere's yer chance! See the
was tittattoed all over on the island ov
Chattanooga Only one dimer
81 then went to tie up the COW, and
when | come back a tramp had his
face in the loaf of bread. didn't care
so much about that az that / missed
him when / kicked at him.
81 stayed three days, and each night
some gypsies which were camped right
on the grounds MIXED my COW and
pounded her with lumber wagon
whiffietree because she switched her
tail
II watched the races most of the
time, there not being much else to look
at. One day had to pay man fif-
teen dollars because the hoss that come
in way ahead on the first two heats
was the very last on the other three.
/ think that hoss must have been took
sick-I know was.
"The next day pickpooket got my
silver watch.
"About every hour Bill Chats my
boy) would come to me and get another
half.dollar. He said he had system
that he was certain must finally beat
the wheel of fortune, and the nut-shells
and roulette, and the man down back
of the barn who was throwing the load
ed dice. l couldn't say nothing be
cause l had took Bill with me to show
him how l was going to clean out thu
me ten dollars.
"My wife bought bottle of liquit
glue, which proved to be mostly water
and receipt for soap which she after
wards discovered was printed in Nor
wegian. She would have bought SOM
other things, probably, but she lost he
pocketbook.
"In the mean time l might mention
that somebody stole the whip, AM
spring seat, and en1-board, and neck
yoke off'n my wagon and cut all th
ivory rings off'n the harness.
"When the fair was through / dc
manded my diplomas on my COW an
punkin as they were the only one
there. got them after some talk
two leetle pieces of paper with som
printing on them-and when / turne
round to go out big fat man steppe
on one of my corns. He was the owl
er of one of the race-horses and ws
looking down rolling up the SO, SO
the treasurer had just paid him as h
share of the purses, to put it in b
pocket, and so didn't notice me-
"That, Mr.. Secretary, is brief an
condensed history of my experience
your fair. shall come next year, b,
as Billy says, shall come heeled.
81 shall make no exhibits, but ha'
got two-wheeleo sulky and every ds
hitch old Doll to it aud run b
round the five acre field. / shall ent
her in the senior class-as / believe
is called-I Judge she is old enough.
"Bill has got himself a thimble-r r
outfit and has whitfield some dice O
of the bone of mules leg and has
serted lead on the opposite side fro
the big numbers.
"My wife is preparing liquid glue
the wholesale, the same kind g
bought, and will ped lie it on t
ground.
"For myself, beside entering {
Doll and betting all my money ae
her l shall work the three-card MOI
business for all it is worth. can
ready throw the cards so as to nea
always mix UP my wife and occasi'
ally fool Bill.
81 am also painting the end of
ox-yoke to look like face and st
stick clay pipe in It's mouth and
people throw rolling-pins at it, tn
whacks for quarter Come over a
try it. If you break pipe you get
nickle cigars.
"We shall all of US bum our feed
the grounds and sleep under the gra
stand. If can get two headed {
TO exhibit in tent mot to enter fo
diploma) / shall do SO. In fact, to 8
the whole matter up, we shall &C
prepared for an agricultural fair as
understand it. Yours truly.
ZAcHARIAH WAYBACK.
p. S.-"I shall wear poker
shirt and smoke cigar p'inted hi
Bill will stick out his chin and or
his elbows considerable. z. W.
A Charming Acquaintance.