The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1887-06-22
THE SOCIETY YOUNG MAN.
BY EDWARD WARREN.

Here we have something that is not un-
worthy of a measure of scientific investiga-
ton. This specimen was readily captured,
as he is a native of the surface. 1t does
not require subsoiling to penetrate to his
sphere. He is a sort of human bubble,
floating on the surface. 1t is impossible
for him to dive under the outside of things.
The exception to this rule is a paternal
or maternal pocketbook, or n merchant
tailors confidence. Despite the indica
tons, he is supposed to have small por-
ton of mental faculty like folks, but if he
has brains they become useless from in
nocuous desuetude. His species rarely
die With the brain fever or contract bald
headedness from overmental exercise. If
he becomes bald at any stage of his exist
ence, il results either from the extreme
poverty of the soil where the hair is plant
ed, or is produced by too much friction OF
the comb and brush.
This specimen is thought, by some, to he
sort of soft-soldered connecting link be-
tween man and the dude, with inclination
and tendencies all toward the latter. He
! Is not as rare as some other specimens of
my collection. They do not cost much.
! The regular market rate is low. This one,
! like most of his class, is great admirer of
the ladies and himself. He is a devotee of
]
dominates the bon-to of society. He be-
lieves in the theory that dress makes the
man. He estimates men and women by
the clothes they wear. Brains are rather a
| superiority than an essential element.
The society young mans anatomical de-
! lineation is about MS follows: The head is
classed as physical supernumerary, yet it
is handy on which to exhibit the latest
style of hat. 1t is also convenient loca-
ton for it, as the only practical use there is
| for a hat is to be tipped to the ladies'. The
neck is useful, if long, as it serves, with
some degree OF admiration, as a round,
perpendicular structure about which to
place a collar, an indispensable piece of a
society mans attire. In fact, n society man
could hardly get along without neck.
Then the body was evidently designed, by
beneticent providence for clothes, the
leg attachments serving the purpose of To-
comotion To- carry them around for public
exhibition. II a clothier's dummy could be
given automatic power, it would make as
good society man as this specimen, and
very probably better.
The merchant tailors and laundrymen
all know this young man. Sometimes they
know him better than they would like to.
He usually pays for his clothes, however
when he has the money. Wnen his money
runs out he resorts to credit. That eX-
hausts very rapidly, when he draws checks
on his cheek. This bank lasts longer, as
it is botter supplied with funds. He is
gifted. by nature, with the faculty of ac-
cumulating sight of appearance for the
amount of capital he has to invest. With
all these faults he is self-sacrificing, and
would surrender good meal for button
hole bouquet any day in the week.
This young man is of little use of a
practical nature. at home or elsewhere, for
that matter. His bone life is ordinarily
devoted TO n more or less laborious strug-
gle with rebellious collars and cuffs. The
amount of labor thus expended, if proper
" directed, would accomplish wonders.
Then he has several other troubles that
serve to furnish him n vast amount of per-
plexity. The parental solicitude with which
he watches over and tenderly nurtures q
pale, imbecile mustache is worthy of a
nobler aim and object.
Sometimes this society young man en-
counters an affinity in one of his species
of the opposite sex In all such cases the
father-in- law has one addition to his fam
lily. He is frequently put to his wits end
TO know what to do with him. Rare cases
of this nature have been reported where
the society young man, alter marriage, re-
forms and makes moderately gooc
hostler. Chicago Ledger.