The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1887-03-26
"STANDARD" BREVITIES.


ton through the telephone a hello Gu
zionist.
ssWart to the knife!' as the man said
when he removed the excressence from
his finger Joint.
''An advance in iron.' as the soldier
said when the enemy's shells came
hurting through the air.
s'!Give me d dude egg, please" said
the boarder to the table girl. "a dude
egg? What is tI,at?' "a fresh one"
Among the multit,1des Of epitaphs
that have been engraved on tomb
stones. did any one ever see this: He
worked for a living
An American dentist sgoing TO LAfri-
ca to practice his profession The
heathen has ruined his teeth on tough
missionaries, probably.
a woman who was lost in The woods
of New Hampshire for three days said
that the most she suffered from was in
not having her Knitting along.
There are many people in this world
who, not having the slightest know
ledge OF sculpture, nevertheless are no.
ticable far cutting very good figures
Stranger: How much do you police
meg get?' Policeman: we average
$50 q week. "That much a week and
a01lnd:" mo. we are never fo,ln1.'
There are only two professional prize
fighters in all ITALY, anc; whenever
these are challenged they have the
headache and don't care to go out and
sing Tor glory.
a. man begins to understand what a
winter carnival is like when his wife
reminds him that the coal bin is empty
and that she wants q new fllr-lined
toboggan suit.
Never speak an unkinoly word to a
child. A cbild's feelings are very SEN
sitive, and an urkinG word ranIllas in
its memory and may cause it to drop a
banana skin ia your path.
a colored clergyman in a southern
town prayed the other day that the in
delicate might be made delicate, the in
temperate temperate and the indus"
tricus industrious.
a. French tramp was found dead in
New Jersey the other day who had EVIL
IDENTIFY once been an. operator in the
Paris Bourse. Several rentes were
found in his clothing.
Mobile has q brass band with a con-
science. It goes out in the suburbs OH
a Sunday aud hides itself in the woods |
to practice at a distance Of two OK
three miles the music is simply enchant |
ing.
There is q minister Of the gospel iii
this city whose total cash income for
tue past year was 1903. With this lie
supported q family Of six ana paid car
fare between this city and Chelsea every |
two weeks.
d.. Van Ribber has made out a bill
for ${0o for three hours and i've min
utes' work as expert in the ilmmons
case. This statement is expected TO
cause widespread dejunctlon among
the plumbing fraternity.
The anarchists have got hold Of an!
other argument against Republican in
situations. 1t is that Congress last year
used 1875 $50 towels How, indeed, can
the country prosper when it's rulers
thus waste the public money in wash
ing themselves.
Omaha man: "lyell, well; SO che x.
Z. L. railroad had q catastrophe this
morning. Tired traveller: 8 Y es, the
cars Jumped the track while going at
sixty miles an hour" t'Graciolls! And
OF course took Gre at once?" "No; we
ran into the river. thank heaven"
The Shroud gives this advice to un-
dertaSers: Don't let a false nlodesty
prevent you from presenting your bill
before The obligation becomes old and
your customers SORROW for the de-
parted has been so far exhausted as to
allow no sympathy for your honest
claim
It was raining when Parson Surplus
Eel, in crossing the streets, met a poor
y-clau boy whose clothes were soaked.
My dear little boy, why don't you get
III umbrella?'' said the kind hearted
clergyman. "Since pa has quit going ,
% church be never brings home any
more umbrellas" Y
''See here, now, I've heard a. good J
[eal about the honest farmer, but what
makes you put all the best apples on
he top Of the basket?" asked q man Of
be fruit seller He thought moment
nd replied: IT 'spect it is the same
eason you have the front Of your house :
f brownstone. !" 9
''That must have been q grand and !,