News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-12-29
THE JOKER'S BUDGET,
HUMOROUS NOTES CIIppED
FROM OUR EXCHANGES,
lie Read a Piece.-She Will Make
Him Tircd.-He Wanted the
House-Not Worth WhiIe.-A
willing Martyr, etc, etc.

ta's father can't appreciate us. He has
no soul"
"Ohl he HASN'T eh? Well, if you'd
been in my place last night you'd have
thought he was all SOLE"
CARRIED HIM OFF.
Judge.-What excuse have you to
offer for this violent assault2
Prisoner was carried away by an
uncomfortable temper.
Judge.-Well, I'll see that you are
carried away by the Sheriff.
BOSTON AWAY BEHIND.
Teacher-Now, children, am going
to tell you about the prophet Daniel,
who, though cast into den of lions
New scholar (fresh from New York;
Have you only just got on to that here
Boston Record.
ENOUGH IS A FEAST.
Old Man with emotion)-Do you re-
alize, my dear sir, that you are asking
me for the only daughter that [ have
Young Man (calmly)-Yes, sir; but if
you had dozen L wouldn't want but
one.
A DIFFERENCE.
|
that make n success in the city come
from the country. The rule works both
ways. When city man buys farm
ne raises cabbages at $5 head, which
no farmer is ever able to do.
TEST.
When d man comes home late at night
after working hard all the evening at
the office on the books, it is mean for
his wife to require him to say: "Should
such q shapely sash shabby stitches
ahoW!' before she will unbolt the front
door.-J0urRaI Of Education.
A PROUD DISTINCTION.
Every town in Nebraska claims to
have the prettiest woman in the State
1T is generally conceded, however, that
Lincoln has the homeliest men. They
warmth hearted and nice, but they
are as hOmely as q sOrrel horse with
blaZed face.--LincOln Journal.
ADDING INSULT TOO INJURY.
Mr.. Oldboy "a bachelor)-It's all
over, Gussy, my boy. Miss Smith has
refused me-"
Gussy-I suppose she let you down
easy by promising to be sister to you:
Mr.. Oldboy (bitterly)-No, b'thunder,
she said she would be sister to me!
IN TROUBLE.
"Sce here, Georgie,' - said f9nd I
mamma to her small son, as they walked
~, the beach. ..1vhat a lot of nice small
rouTisi stones
eyes" grumbled George, as he cast
searching glance around, land not a
single thing to throw 'em at. ."-DetrOit
Free Press.
THE LATEST.
A North Side matron bought a roll of
oilcloth at neighboring store.
''Shall have it delivered!" asked the
merchant.
"No, thanks, was the reply. 81
shall carry it home, and all the women
ON our street will think have the very
latest thing out in the way of a pocket
book.
A WASHER.
Smith-Don't you think could be
masher2
Jones-Certainly you could.
Smith-How shall begin2
Jones-You've already begun; 1 not
iced the baby put ripe tomato IN the
chair before you sat down.-One@hd
Herald.
ON THE PLATE.
She-James. do you know you put
three buttons on the plate in church to-
day?
He-I knew what was about.
She-James, perhaps you don't know
that [ bought those buttons yesterday
for nv new dress and paid so cents
apiece for them.
ONE FOR THE MICRoBE.
Mrs. Noseup has always contended
that her husbands tobacco habit was
vile thing.
"There,'' remarked Mrs. Noseup, as
she turned from the scientific journal,
sit says here that there are no microbes
to be found in tobacco"
"That's where the microbe shows his
good sense, said Mr.. Noseup.
A GOOD TIME TO QUARREL.
A nan went to the house of a neigh
Dor to get him to indorse note for him.
The neighbor, however, refused, say
ing: ,.,.
'If was to pit my name lilPt ye wad
get the siller frae the bank, and when
the time came aroond We wadna be
| ready anu Mtl Ha W Pthy y, 5S'0 oiiOAA
YOU and me wad quarrel, sac we mae
just as weel quarrel the moo as langs
the siller's in my pouch. "
TWICE SURPRISED.
Young Wife Cat dinner table, sobbing)
I think you're just as mean as you
| could be. I made that--that apple
! ds,zaapling as nlaasant surprise for you
and-and now-you-wantm me to bring
a hand saw to cut it in two with.
Young Husband-Good heavens,
Maria! Is that a dumpling2 l took it
for cocoanut. with desperate firm
ness.) I'll eat it now, Maria, if it kills
me.
NOT WORTH WHILE.
Robinson.-Do you know, Jonesy,
that Brown called you q liar?
.Jonesy dumping into the air).-Whol
what when! where! He called me a
liar!
Robinson.-Yes; he said you were a
mighty good looking fellow, but an aw-
full liar.
Jonesy getting back to terra-f -firma).
oh, well, Brown isn't such bad fel-
low; little hasty, that's all "-Harpers
BasHr.
WILLING MARTYR.
"NIister, would you like to do
suthin' in the cause of science?'
''What science?"
"Perlitical economy
"What can | do!"
81 s'pose you've heerd this discussion
whether man can live on fifty cents a
week."
'Yes."
"Well, if you want to encourage sci,
ence ies' lend me fifty cents and III
make the experiment for week. =
chicago Neacs.
NECESSARY PRECAUTIoN.
"Mary," said lady to her maid, 81
am going to the country tomorrow at
six o'clock"
"All right, ma'am.
eyes. And [ shall want you; conse-
quently you, will wake me up at live
o'clock"
"Yes'm, but spose-"
"What do you suppose, Mnry9"
81 suppose you'll ring the bell for
me, ma am, about quarter of an hou1
L NNsA n