Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-05-26
RATES OF SUBSCRIPTION.
WIT AND HUMOR.

for any length OF time are those who
keep them for sale.-Harper'S Baxa-
This is PATHS last farewell tour, but
if we all club together and ask him,
possibly Nicolini will come over and
see us again.-PWck
The Mayor of Montreal wears
$500 gold collar about his neck. but
never when any member of the Amcri-
can colony are around. - Washington
Critic.
Customer Ito bakers boy)-Is your
bread nice and light, sonny? Bakers
boy (contidentially)-Yes, ma'am, it
only weighs ten ounces to the pound.
Puck.
Once in n while it is well to remem-
Der that a crown will not cure a head
ache any more than a golden slipper
will the gout.-Shoe and Leather Re-
porter.
The Hoosac Tunnel is nearly FIVE
miles long; but it's no use, young
people, no use. The brakemen always
light the lamps before the cars run in.
SOnlerpille journal.
No matter how bad and destructive
a boy may be he rarely becomes So
degraded or loses his Self-reSpect Suf-
ficently to throw mud on circus
poster. -7eras SiftingS.
A Michigan school-teacher Furnishes
the big girls by kissing them when
they misbehave. As n consequence he
has the most unruly school in the
State. Philadelphia CAL.
taGhnal-snnr ttnn,.tppi,,lnI LOT fhnen
bus conductors! One of them passed
bad sixpence on me fortnight ago,
confound him And I've not been
able to get rid of it yet!'-P@nch
IF you want tew git at the circup-
ference of man examine him among
folks; but if you want tew get Mt his
actual diameter measure him ut his
tireside. Boston Commercial Bulletin.
There's good deal of bosh written
about "the square gambler" In the
game he plays the chances are usually
so much in his favor that there is no
need of crooked work. - Buffalo ED-
press.
Wisconsin claims to lead all other
States in the production Of Limburgcr
cheese. If this true, none of them
will care to approach near enough 20
take it away from her.-New Hareis
NeWS.
"Who is the ugliest woman in
town." asked the strrnger. Cant
tell you" replied the citizen, ">ae
never comes in until fifteen minutes
after the entertainment begins.
Burdette.
Joe-Where are you going to spend
the summer? Eli was thinking "
going to Maine on fishing trip, Joe
Going to Maine to go tishingP Why,
man, that is a prohibition State!--D be
troit Free Press.
A distinguished physician has dis
covered that the gall of a rattlesnake
will cure its bite. From this we infer
that the average rattlesnake has al
most as much gall as book-agcnt.-
NelO Haven NetCS.
Parson-How did you like my SER
mon this morning? Parishioncr-To
long. Parson-Dear me; I'm sorry.
Parishioner-So am /. II | sleep five
minutes over my usual time it gives
me a horrible headache. - Iid-BttS.
A Northern man says: Il came
down to Florida to get a little change
and some rest" "Did YOU get ita"
some one asked. mo; the walters
got the little change, and the hotels
got the rest. atlanta Constitution.
A gentleman writes on the subject
of spirits and beer. One point he
fails to make is, that too much beer
makes one lose ones spirits, while an
overindulgence in spirits is only too
likely to result in premature bier
LJc.
- OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES is n vefy
good fellaw-a-I don't know that /
quite call him gentleman, You know.
Miss Sharp (who has liking for
Jones) Don't you, really? But per-
haps you are not very good judged
Punch.
A Chinese theatrical manager il
taking steps TO introduce the Chinese
drama in American theatres. This
will be a cruel test of our forbcarancc,
but the manager evidently knows how
we have behaved under British in
fiction. HGuen NeUS.
II wish had your conscience for
pair of suspenders," was the witty
remark with which Alderman White
floored an opponent whom he desired
to accuse of too much elasticity IN the
region Of his moral mentor, in the
city council proceedings. ~ BnGato
Courier:
"The only possible objection that
can be found with the house" said the
landlord, after showing all the apart
ments, lis the absence of bath
room" THAT doesn't make any diff
ference at all, !" said the would-be ten
ants; 1--WE are Anarchists. "-Hdrper's
Bdzar.
Miss Upperten-Oh, by the way,
dear, am going to send you an inyi-
tation to my party. 1t is 20 I've next
week. Miss Sassiety-Party! Why,
love, you surprise me. + il possible YOU
are not keeping Lent Miss Upper
ten--Oh, no; it's so common.-PtttS-
burg Dispatch. +
As a gentleman in the parquet re-
marked None but women who have
purchased high hats and have none
other to wear, because they can't afford
to buy new bonnets, would dare to
wear them to the theatre after all the
hue and cry that has been raised. -
Phtladelphta Bulletin.
William Sturgeon, the able and
famous electrician, rose from n cob
bler's bench. We saw a man try TO
do the same thing, once, but he was
prevented by chunk Of shoemaker's
wax that had been carelessly or mis-
chievously left on the seat Of the
bench.-DdnUiRe Breeze.
The deacon's wife wanted to iot
down the text, and, leaning over 10
her scapegrace nephew, she whispered:
Have YOU any cards about you?"
You can't play in church, was the
solemn, reproving answer; and the
good woman was so frustrated that
She forgot her text.--Hdrgord Journal
San Francisco bartcnders are kick
ing against the adoption of the leash
register" new device to prevent
naculatinu ~