Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-01-16
HUDSON, Wis, January !, IL

Mr.. AdOlph Jaynes, Lock Box 6O4:
DEAR SIR-YOur favor OF late date is at
hand, and | take pleasure i'll writing Jihls
dictated letter to you, using the columns
OF the News rs q delicate way of teaching
YOU. | will take the liberty of replying 10
yOur Inst question first, If you pardon me,
and | say that you would do better, no
doubt, at once, in a financial way, to 20 on
with your drug business than to monkey
with literature.
In the first place, your style of compost
ton is like the present style of dress
among men. 1t is absolutely correct, and,
therefore, it is absolutely like that OF nine
men out of every ten We meet. Your style
of writing has - mustache on it, wears a
three-buttOn cutaway of some Scotch mix
ture, carries a cane, and wears a straight
stand-up collar and scarf. 1t is so correct
and so exactly in conformity with the pre-
vailing STYLE of composition, and your
thoughts are expressed so thoroughly like
other peoples methods Of dressing up their
sentences and sand-papering the soul out
of what they say, that | honestly think
you would succeed better by trying to sub
sist upon the quick sales and small profits
which the drug trade insurcs.
Now, let us consider the question OF loea-
ton: .
Seriously, You ought TO look over the
ground yourself, but rs you have asked me
to give you my best Judgment on the ques-
ton of preference rs between Kansas and
Colorado, l will say without hesitation
that, if you mean by the drug business the
sale of ~Sure-enough drugs, medicines,
paints, oils, glass, putty, toilet, articles,
and prescriptions carefully compounded, l
would not 20 to Kansas ut this time.
Ii you would like to 20 TO q ilOurishing
country and put out n big Eastwood mortar
in front of your shop i'll order TO sell the
tincture of damnatiOn throughout bleed
ing Kansas, now is your golden OppOr-
tunity. Now is the accepted time. 1t 1t
is the great big burning desire OF your
heart to 20 into u town of !, 900 people and
open the thirteenth drug store in order that
YOU may stand behind n tall black
walnut prescription case day i'll and day
out, with q graduate in one hand and a
Babcock fire-eXtinguisher in the other,
filling orders for whisky made ot stump
water and the Juice of future punishment,
you will do well to go to Kansas. 1t is a
temperance State, and no saloons are al
lowed there. All is quiet and orderly, and
the drug business is u great success.
You can run n dummy drug store there
with two dozen dreary old glass bottles
on the sleeves, punctuated by the hand OF
time and the Kansas fly Of the period, and
with q prOhibitOTy law ut yOur back and q
tall, red barrel in the back room filled with
q mixture that will burn great holes into
natures heart and make the cemetary
blossom rs the rose, and in q few years you
can sell enough of this justly celebrated
preparation for household, scientific and
experimental purposes only to fill your
fiabby pockets with wealth and paint the
pure air of Kansas a bright and intlamma'
tory red.
Ii you sincerely and earnestly yearn fol
a field where you may 90 forth and garner
an honest harvest from the legitimate effort
of an upright soda fountain and free and
open sale of slippery elm in its u%nadulterat'
ed condition. | would 90 to some state
where | would not have to enter into com
petition with a style of pharmacy that has
the unhOly instincts and ambitious Of q
blind pig. | would not go into the field
where red-eyed ruin simply waited for q
prescription blank, not necessarily for pub
LEGATION, but simply as aguaranty of good
faith, in order that it may bound forth
from behind the prescription case and
populate the pOorhOuses and the paupers
nettle-grown addition to the silent city Of
the dead.
The great question of how best TO down
the demon run is before the American peo'
pie, and will nor be put aside until 1t !:
settled; but while this is being attended TO-
Mr.. Jaynes, | would start a drug store
farther away from the centre of cOntlict and
20 on ~joyOusly, sacrificing expensive tine
lures, compounds and syrups at bedrock
prices.
Go on, Mr.. Jaynes, dealing ont to thu
yearning, painting public, drugs, paints
oils, glass, putty. varniSh, patent medi
cincS, and prescriptions carefully COM
pounded, with none to modest or make
afraid, but shun, oh, shun the wild-eyet
pharmacopeia that contains naught but the
fostering fluid so popular in Kansas, n com
pound that holds crime in solution AND
ruin in bulk, that Shriycls up a man:
gastric economy, and sears great ragged
holes into his immortal soul. Take Thu
advice home to your heart and will eve
command the hearty cooperation o
''yours for health" rs the late Lydia f
Pinkham SO succinCtly said.