The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-08-20
ABOUT SYDNEY SMITH

since Swift. All the world knew him as a powerful writer and brilliant wit The editor of book of "Table Talk" in which the sparkling and whimsical preacher figures conspicu- .ously, informs us that his conversa- lion was diverting far beyond the con- ception of those who are familiar with his wit only in print. He was born in l77l, and died, universally re- grettcd, in 1S45. "Manners," said Smith, "are often too much neglected; they are most important to men, no less than to women. l believe the English are the most disagreeable peo- pie under the sun, not SO much be- cause Mir. John Bull disdains to talk, as that the respected individual has nothing to say, and because he totally neglects manners Look at Freno carter; he takes of his hat to neigh Dor carter and inquiries after the health of madame with bow that would not have disgraced Sir Charles Grandson; and have often seen a French SOUL brette with far better manners than an English duchess. Life is too short to get over bad manner; besides manners are the shadows of virtue"
 Did you ever hear my definition of marriage? It is that it resembles a pair of shears so joined that they can not be separated; often moving in op- posite directions, yet always punish ing any one who comes between them
 It requires surgical operation to get joke well into Scotch under- standing. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of this electric talent which prevails occa- sionly in the North, and which, un- der the name of wit is so distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysic- ally. Ioverheard young lady of my acquaintance at dance in Edinburgh .exclaim in sudden pause in the mu- sic, "what you say, my lord, is very true of love in the d6stract, but" Here the fiddlers began tiddling furi- -ously, and the rest was lost. No na- tion has so large a stock of benevo- fence of heart. If you meet with an accident half Edinburgh focks to your door to inquire after your pure hand or pure foot, and with degree of interest that convinces you their whole hearts are in the inquiry. You find they usually arrange their dishes at dinner by the points of the com pass. Sandy, put the gigot of mutt ton to the south and move the singet's head wee bit to the norwast." If you knock at the door you hear shrill female voice from the fifth flat shriek out "Wha's chapping at the door?" which is presently opened by a lassie with short petticoats, bare legs and thick ankles. My Scotch servants bargained that they were not to have salmon more than three times week, and always pulled off their stockings, in spite of my objurgations, the moment my back was turned.
 Somebody having asked Smith why he never went shooting, he replied : "Because l found that the birds seemed to consider the muzzle of my gun the safest position; secondly, be- cause could never help shutting my eyes when fired my gun and third ly, because if you do shoot, the squire and the poacher both consider you their natural enemy, and thought it more clerical to be at peace with both."
 feel so weak both in body and mind that l verify believe if the knife were put into my hand should {. not have strength or energy enough to stick it into Dissenter.
 Speaking of utilitarian friend Smith said: "That man is so hard YOU might drive broad wheeled wagon over him and it would produce no impression. If you were to bore holes in him with gimlet I am convinced sawdust would come out of him. If everything is to be sacrificed to utili- ty why do you bury your grandma <. ther at all? Why don't you cut her into small pieces at once and make portable soup of herr"
 Children are excellent physiogno- mists and soon discover their real friends. Luttrell calls them lunatics, and so in fact they are. What is child hood but series of happy delusions?"
 Hearing friend was about to mar ry fat woman Smith exclaimed: "Go- ing to marry her! Impossible! You mean part of her. He could not marry her all himself. It would be a case not of bigamy but of trigamy. There is enough of her to furnish wives for the whole parish. One man mar- ry her Lit is mopstrons! You might people colony with her, or give an assembly with her, or perhaps take your mornings walk around her, al- ways provided there were frequent resting places and you. were in rude health. I was once rash enough to try walking around her before breakfast,