Daily Republican., 1887-04-01


MIRTH AND MERRlMENT.
1--WE won't indulge In suoh horrit
anticipations, = ~ the henpeoked hus
band said when tho parson told him b
world, never TO separate.
"Why don't you come and kiss me
Johnny" asked maiden aunt OF hsl
nephew. Zoos Why" said JOHNNY,
hanging his head. "Becanse whGt7'
"Cos I'm afraid Of powder"
"Arthur." said q good natured father
to his young hopeful, II did not know
till to day that you were whipped las.
week." "Didn't yon pa~ replied
young hopeful. IL knew 1t at the
time"
A man who offered to be bail for q
frieLd. was asked by the judge II he
bad AZ incumbrance on his farm. "Oh,
yes." said he; "lots of 'em; wife, ten
children. an aunt, and q mother. IL
law"
"a mechanics lien." said Lawyer
IGripem, alancing oarelessly At The
legal papers he held in his hand.
Yes" responded the faoetious Judge,
"a mechanics usually lean, while his
lawyer Is fat"
A yonng lady who did not admire
the custom In vogue among ner s;sters
OF writing letter and then crossing Ii
to the point OF ELIGIBILITY, said abe
would prefer her epistles "without an
overskirt."
That was a ghastly joke that n sinfnl
Southern chap played on q stranger
| whom he promised to introduce to a
rich planter, and then took him around
and presented him TO the leading under
tAker.
Love IL said to he the motive power Of
the world, and Jet ffty.six women out
of every niuety-two will stick to 1t that
q weli-ssasOued broom handle is more
reliable than moral suasion for imme-
diate results.
1t being claimed by ore of the sterner
sex that man was made frst, and lord
OF creation, the question was asked by
an Indignant beauty how long he re
mAiued lord Of creation. "Till he got a
wife" was tho reply.
A remarkable accident happened to q
young man In this city. He Is counting
@ very fat girl, and the other evening
she planked herself down 10 his lap 60
L
car through his boota.
A country bookseller sent to New
York for copy OF little book called
Happy Husbands." The work not
| being procuraSls, tha country dealer
received note stating that there WI re
no Happy Husbands" in New York.
o,nfden 20 woman who WAS detected
trying to pass O spurious bill tainted on
top CT the counter. A f1ssy old party
rushed mp and demanded to know what
the trouble was. Nothing p said the
policeman, ''nothina but counter At"
A well.known beauty has ono draw.
hack; her hands are the color of boiled
lobster. Some one happened to men,
ton her name to DR.. Holmes. 'Shs IL
very pretty" paid the wit; II see cnly
one fault in her. Her hands arc q trihs
too-bash sinful 70
Counsel Co witaess): Then you
think be struck You with malice afOre.
thought ?" Witness Indignantly:
I"Yoo cant mix me up like that. I've
told you twice he dit me With brick.
There wasn't O mellets nor nothln' OF
the kind about"
us pot woman equal to n,an?" asked
female lecturer on" Womsn's Rights"
to which man la tie audience diff.
IDENTIFY replied: ~ beg your pardon,
madam, but it would depend on who
the woman was, and W no the man was,
you know"
Little Edith: 'Mr Sspley why does
my sister pray when you cowe to see
hef?" "Surely she doeen't. What DO
you mean" "Why, every time yor
come here and the servant comes up to
the library to say you are In the parlor,
Clara Just shrugs her shoulders aud
says: On, LoIsi"
"Thcse Chinese have some strange
customs. For instance, the men buy
their wives at auction" remarked Col.
onel Wltherspoon to General Gilhooly.
That 10 Oaroarous. When will thty
learn 10 buy them at private sale, an
We do In this country" responded tho
General, cynically.
Eyes, ths said, ~ al, 10 be married
next week, and dear win aud / will
settle down to lite OF eternal bliss I"
"Psha W, grill don't talk 30 foolish" OK
claimed her practical mother. "Eter.
nal bliss. indeed That's just what I
thought; but found married life more
buster than b,iss."
A Freachman said: 81 ntvara see 30
much contradiction re desc English
avs In dere drink. Dey put In some
whisky to make 1t strong, come water
to make 1t weak, some Lemon TO make 1t
soar, some sugar TO make 1t sweet; and
den dey takes up de glass. say. 'Heie's
to you. and den, by gar, dey drinks 1t
themselves"
"Pleass give me something to eat.
Ive not had warm mouthful for q
week." Here, my good man, is o
plate Of hot soup for you," replied the
cock. "Hot soupl" he Rrowled;
"haven't you anything elss2 This
makes the fifth plate OF hot soup I've
had In the las. hour. II Is not healthy
to put 80 much socp en- an empty
stoms ch."
Dying husband-"If you think, my
dear, that 1t will be better for the chill.
dren that you should form new matri.
monial ties after am gone, 90 not let
the memory OF me stand In the way.
Marry some Rood man who, for your
sake, will he a kind father to our little
ones" Wife-aD.do p.noa worry
John. l w-will llook out tor the chill.
dren."
"You look tired, Miss Golightlr."
DO l? Getting old, l suppose. You
know the saying, "A mana ~ old rs he
feels, and woman's as old as she
lcoks >" "Weil, Pm sure the saying
does not hold good In your case" And |
then he smiled his killing smile, as
who should say, 81 have fetched herv'
but abe wi,berM him with q p]anca,
and the ron 20 raatinn eudfoplu f1auuad