Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-09-17
TwINKS.

What is an infant? Something that
makes a pocket of its mouth. Troy Times.
To eat peas with q knife may not be good
form, but it's fun for the peas Washing
ton Hdtehet.
An exchange speaksOf "a tramp 5Omiles
long" What a capacity he must have for
pie.-BarliagtoR Free Press.
People are apt to feel proud OF all the
good traits their children show and wonder
where they got all their bad ones -Somsr-
riHe Journal.
The sign in the British Museum which
saws, NO Gratuities Allowed" must not
be miseonstrued. 1t that gratuities
must be given on the quiet.-LTe.
FIorida spiders are said to capture large
numbers of snakes in their webs, but boots
still hold the lead there as a popular snake
trap.-BurliRgtoR Free Press.
When a young man sits in the parlor
talking nonsense to his best girl, that's cap
ital. But when he has to stay in OF even
iugs after they're married, that's labor.
The claim of Chicago men that they have
the largest heads in the country ha been
verified by several persons who have seen a
Chicago man going down to breakfast
Louisville Courier Journal.
Dayy Crockett did not understand his
mother when she said: BE sure you
wife; then 90 ahead" He did rot wnte
to his girl, but vent expressly and brought
her away in his arms.-Nen Orleans Pcd-
yURe.
The o l.killer has turned his attention
from the man who rocked the boat just
for lunr TO that other remarkable indl-
| y;dusl who amuses himself by yelling
fire in a crowded heat re.-4ibany Err
press.
Yacht Owncr-Haw! What's the next
move, captain?
CapIain-Drop the hawser.
Yacht Owner-haw! do you mean 10
insult me, sir?-JUdge.
1t is said to be a rule of nature that
every winged creature shall die within a
wear. This is conSoling to n certain ex-
tent, but it would be a better arrangement
if this years mosquitoes would die last
ear.-NOrrieh Bulletin.
Grandmother Grimes-This base ball
must be dreadful Little Willie just now
confessed to me that he actually stole q
base, and now, | suppose, he is going out
to try and steal another Ouen'-Hdrper's
Young People.
Twenty-eight unmarried m re-
side in Garfield County, Col, also Loo
unmarried men. All the men can't get q
wife from among the ~twenty-eight, aud il
probably puzzles the women TO make 8
choice among the thousand.
A Tennessee five-year-old was taken by
his mother TO witness a hop at a hotel
for the fist time in his life. Noticing al
elderly musician playing on a harp, the
y~oungster looked up into his mothers
face, saying: Mamma, is that DAVID
Jones ito Robinson, whose wife's mother
has recently died)-I hear that yOu have
met with a severe loss.
R~obinson-Oh, not s0 very. The whole
business, including carriages, only cost 6
trife over SO.
The Republicans are talking of carrying
Texas next year. They tried Rhode ISLAND
last year and found it 40 heavy that
it rolled off their aCrobatic elbow
with a meteOric thud. The District
of Columbia seems about their size, bu'
it won't let 'em try.-Duluh Photographer
There is living on the Welch hills al
Tymaen a venerable widow, Mrs. Frances
who IS 1OT years old, having been born Oh
August Is, 1880. She is in excellent
health and can thread her needle withon'
using her glasses. She moves about will
ease, and is enabled to attend to domestic
duties.
1.-THE shadows gather and the day i
done" she sighed, leaning her pretty heat
on his shoulder and looking far ava!
through the window. He shivered anC
gathered her more closely to him, as hi
replied: The day may be done, love, bu
it is fully as rare a. it was this morning ,
-BurIington Free Press.
Managing Editor-Wha is it you an
nounce here-the hustle going out o
fashion?
Frin Editor-Yes, sir; I have it upon
the authority of ? leading fashion journal
at won't won't do publish it. We can
afford to imperil u circulatioMH
miRgk0m Republican.
An Ohio wedding was first ~postponeC
because the girls mother died Then tn
Young mans father died; then the giI
broke her leg; then the young man 20
kicked by a horse. Last week it was post
poned again because the girls father go
mangled in a reaper. Won't they be
happy couple if they ever do get spliced
Where are you goiug to lOcate?" aske
one young doctor of another.
81 don't know l was thinking of gOin
to x"
Don't do it. They tell me there is
general staguation of business there"
That's Just it. %StagnatiOn produce
malaria, you know" Washington Gritic
An exchanges gives to an interview wit
a barber, who complains that BARRIERS di
young. The chief cause is that they ar
obliged to inhale the foul breath Of thei
customers. 1t is a serious question, how
ever, whether Che barber in spite of hi
premature death, has not still the adyant
sge over his customer; in other words
whether it is not better to die of fou
breath than 20 be talked to death.
Mrs.C.-Doctor, you were at the last i'll
ness of my eldest boy?
Doc.or--Yes.
Mrs. C.-You also tended professional.
my first husband, who died?
DoctOr-Yes.
Mrs. C.-Well, my second husband j
sick, and l would like you to see hin
through, too.-LVe.
Children
Often need some safe cathartic and toni
to avert approaching sickness, or to reliev,
collie, headache, sick stomach, indigestion
dysentery, and the complaints incident t.