News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-04-14
THE BUDGET OF jokes.
BEST WE FIND IN THE PAPERS.
just the Thing-The Weather-The
Coils sStrategy-An Unhappy Cred
itor-He Changed It-Odds and
Ends, Etc, Etc.


COL. wINTERSMITH 8 STRATEGY.
Col. Dick Wintersmith was trying to
write letter in room where Dan VOr-
hees, Mr.. Beverly Tucker, and two Or
three others were sitting. These three
gentlemen formed a conspiracy to worry
| him and prevent his writing. Every
time he would put pen to paper one or
! the other would ask him a question. At
last old Judge Key come i'll, and the
| Colonel greeted him very cordially.
Judge" said the Colonel, 81 wish
you would sit down and tell us about
| your trip to Europe"
'tDid never tell you about my life in
Europe2" said the Judge with some sur
prise.
"No, never. These gentlemen want
to hear it."
The Judge turned to hang up his coat
and hat, and the Vorhees party made for
the door When he was ready to take
his seat no one was present but Col.
Wintersmith.
"Where are those gentlemen 2" asked
the Judge.
'"They are gone, SIR said Col. Dick ;
X
It's an outrage. I would seek satisfac-
ton"
The Judge, being of a fiery nature,
put on his overcoat at once and started
in hot chase after the offenders. AS soon
as he got out of the door, Col. Winter
smith quietly locked it and wrote his
letters. .---Boston Adoertiser.
HE DID KNOW.
Pater familias Cwho has invited his
daughters beau to have little refresh
ment)-"What will you have, John
A little ham, cold roast beef, cold chick
en-, Orr" John Ga true BOstOnian)
-"Ain't those baked beans in that
dish ?" P.-"They are. Have some p
Daughters little brother (who has been
permitted to sit up a little while longer
than usuaD D-"Ha, Jennie, I've caught
you. ] thought you were telling me a
lie at the time" Jennie-Wbat do you
mean, Johnnie?" Johnnie-"He pick
out what? Who?' Johnnie-''Your
and you told me he didn't know beans. .
Pater familias in voice of thunder)
-''Johnnie, go to bed - Johnnie
luIO l6dIS kOllG CllCl, Ilt, SIlS
did. She said he didn't know beans or
he would have proposed long ago" "
| [Tableau. Boston Courier.
GIVING THE TEACHER SOMETHING.
A certain young teacher in one of the
public schools suffers all the pleasures
and inconvenience of being idolized by
her boys. The children demonstrate
of their greatest pleasures is ''givin2
teacher something" The other morn
ing little chap slid up to the desk with
a box in his little red paw and, pressing
it into the teachers hand, said in whis-
per:
"TThere, I've brought 'em for you.
''What is it, dear 2" said the teacher.
"Oh. Won look :" with a grin Of salts
UuyIua the string she opened the
box, and behold, there was a set of false
teeth ~
'TThey are mamma's," exclaimed the
child in a delightful tone; ''they're much
prettier than yours, and [ brought 'em
for you. ."-B08t0n Herald.
PLANTATION PHILOSOPHY.
We Farm ez much frum de 'zample
O de fool ez we do frlm de words o de
wise man.-Ise seed men dat didn't hab
time ter eat nor ter sleep, but neber yit
seed er man dat didn't hab time ter die.
-Er man ken be sich er ole frien' dat
he thinks it is right te pose on ye; like
er ole family hoss what takes up de idee
dat he's got er right ter kick de chillun.
Hope is like er sassafras sprout. Yer
mer tramp on it; yer mer cut it down
III eben dig it up by de roots, but de
fust thing yer know er tender shoot dun
come up.-Er pussen will sometimes
make de same mistake twice, but [ amt
fOun' de man Wit that eber crowded one
desc yerelaung, hungry houn' dogs up
in de conder o de fence de secon' time.
Arkansas Traceler.
CHANGED TT.
Mr.. Brown recently brought home his
second wife. A lady who had known
the first quite intimately came to make
call As she looked about the room
she remarked Chow familiar every
thing is to me here; used to be here so
much; there is a picture, however,
pointing it out-which I do not recog-
nize." ''Oh - said the bride, CHATS
the first Mrs. Brown. My husband
thought it might not please me to have
it hanging there as it was; so he took it
to an artist and had a Gainsborough hat
put on, and changed the color of the
hair and eyes, and we call it fancy
piece. "-Stoe and Leather Reporter.
FIT FOR AN ASYLUM.
First Omaha Girl: eyes, that Mr..
Newbeam is handsome, but he's such a
fool"
Second Omaha Girl: cit doesn't
seem possible"
'1t's true, though. At the concert
the other night I caught him staring at
me and I looked back at him in sur
prised, angry sort of a way, you know"
"Of course. "
'.Well, he didn't once glance in my
direction again the whole evening. -
omaha World.
NO BOTHER.
A citizen was trying to hire a colored
man at the market yesterday to clear out
back yard, but the laborer lodged and
hesitated and hung out about it so long
that the other finally exclaimed: "Hang
it. don't believe you want to work at
all!'' "Oh, yes / dose; but / dassn't
trust myself. | shouldn't mOre'n git to
work afore I'd go on a strike, an l
doan want to bodder you. ."-Detr0H Free
Press.
AN EXPLANATION NECESSARY.
"Mr. Featherly," inquired Bobby,
notwithstanding the injunction of his
father that little children should be
seen, not heard; ''have you got holes in
your feet2
"Holes in my feet !" exclaimed the
astonished young man.
eyes, pa says You must have, or you
couldn't drink all the liquor you do"
A HINT.
He was an ardent but an economical
lover, and had been counting her for
three months. "When do you think,
dearest" " he said, as they sat near the