The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-09-17
KING JOHN OF ENGLAND.

KING JOHN OF ENGLAND. Alex. Sweet, in N. I. Commercial Advertiser
 At the age of thirty-two John as- cended the throne of England, using a borrowed stepladder, which he subse- quently forgot to return. Ascending the throne was his first downward step, so to speak.
 The most remarkable thing about King John is the suddenness with which he developed into first class tyrant. Scientists, who have made despots the study of their lives, assert that John must have been practicing beforehand. He didn't seem to have to learn the business. He knew it al- ready. His record as go-as- you please despot has never been broken.
 One of his first acts of inclemency was to murder his nephew, Arthur. He gave as an excuse for his crime that Arthur was his own nephew, and a king had right to do as he pleased with his own, besides he would have died sooner or later, anyhow.
 Philip, king Of France, made war or John, and despoiled him of most of his possessions in France. John threat ened to beat the French, but he was so cowardly that retreats were the only things he beat. He made a speciality of beating retreats. People all over the country who wanted their retreats beaten brought them to King John. In war, King Johns motto was live and let live-and he lived up to it.
 Following the example of Dr. Me Glynn, King John got into row with the pope, who threatened an interdict. King John who was somewhat of a humorist in his way, made out that an interdict was something good to eat He sent word that he liked in- terdicts fried in batter and served up hot. Then the pope promised him an accommodation, to which John re- piled that he had had it on both sides when he was boy, and besides he had just taken out an accident policy, Nevertheless, he got scared and wanted to arbitrate.
 About this time the English barons and taxpayers became a trifle weary of John and gave him to understand that he had to reform. John got mad, but he never got fighting mad. He always drew the line at safe place.
 On the 10th of June, 1914, at Runnymede, he signed the famous Magma Charta. Historians say he signed it with smile. Probably he would not have used smile for the purpose if his stylographic pen had been in working order He was asked to sign it, not necessarily for publica- tion, but simply as a guarantee of good faith.
 There lived in London at that time a necromancer named Peter, who kept little prophecy shop and supplied his customers with fresh horoscopes, signs, omens, tokens, portents and prognostications. Peter predicted that John would not live after Ascen- sion day. On that day John trembled so much that he could hardly keep his clothes on. On his awakening next morning he was surprised to find him. self alive. He sent for Peter and told him that his ascension day had come, and that he was going to be hung. Howe x Hummel called on King John to obtain stay of proceedings, but the latter merely remarked that he had observed that hanging had a neckative influence on the lives of criminals, and Peter was duly hung, although he kicked a good deal.
 John had some cheap soldiers inn ported from France and proceeded to ravage his own country with fire and sword. So terrible was the devasta- tion that the English papers said that things could not be worse if Eli Per- kins had gone through the country on lecture tour, but this is probably an exaggeration.
 While King John and his army were proceeding along the seacoast of England, they were overtaken bv a tidal wave that swept away his bag gage train, including new crown, studded with gems of the Orient, which he just ordered from the foun- dry. Cursing, swearing and gnaw ing his fingers, he went to Swinestead ab- bey, where the monks gave him some fruit. It is believed that with com- mendable public spirit they also gave him some patent rat poison, for he did not die on the premises, but went on next day to Heafor castle where he did his perishing. He went into the real estate business permanently, and is in it yet. His death utterly failed to cause panic in the black crane mar