The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1887-11-17
HOW STOVES ARE PUT UP.

0OSoOAA VI LIN SAA
when multitudes of people are adjust
ing their heating apparatus, preparing
for cold weather, some will rec gnize
their W experience in the following
amusing description from the Ameri-
can artisan of the way it is sometimes
done:
In the first place, the mar puts on
an old and very ragged coat. Then
he puts his hands inside the place
where the pipe ought to 60, and black
ems his fingers, and then studiously
makes a black mark down the side of
his nose. Having got his nose prop
erly frescoed, the nan grasps n side
of the bottom Of the stove, and his
wife and the hired girl take hold of the
other side, and in this way the stove
is started from the woodshed to the
parlor. In passing through the door,
the man carefully swings his side Of
the stove arounl and jams his thumb
nail against the door post. Atlast the
stove is set down in the proper place,
and the man and his wife and the
hired girl set out in a triangular search
after the stove legs. Two are finally
found inside the stove, where they
have remained since spring, and the
two others are found hidden under
four tons of coal. Then the old man
holds up one side of the stove, while
his wife puts two of the legs in place.;
then he holds up the other side, while
the other two are being adjusted, and
me of the first pair is displaced. The
trick of getting the four legs into their
proper places is practiced with varying
and indifferent results for some ten
minutes, and by this time the man gets
excited and reckless, and throws off
his coat, regardless of the consequences.
Then the man goes for the stove
pipe and gets a cinder in his eye. The
stove was put up in irst-class shape
last year by the stove man but this
year the pipe proved to be a little too
long. So the man jams his hat down
over his eyes, takes a piece of pipe
under each arm, and starts for the tin
shop to have it fixed. Then he comes
back, steps his muddy boots into one
of the best parlor chairs to see if the
pipe will fit, when his wife makes him
come down. In the act Of descending
he plants his foot square down or the
hollow of the cats back, and comes
within an ace of trampling the baby
under foot. Then the man gets an old
chair from the kitchen and climbs up
to the chimney opening again, and
makes the startling discovery that in
cutting off the end of the pipe, the
timer had made the pipe too large
to enter the hole in the chimney. So
the man goes into the backyard and
splits side of the end of the pipe
with an old ak. and squeezes it be
tween his hands until he makes it
smaller.
Then the man gets the pipe into
shape only to find that the stove does
not stand true. Then the man and
his wife and the hired girl move the
stove to the left, and the legs fall out
again. The legs are replaced and the
stove moved to the right, and there is
another seance with the legs. Then
the elbow is found not to be even with
the hole in the chimney, and the man
goes into the woodshed after some
little blocks. Then the man and his
wife and the hired girl essay to put
the blocks under the legs, and the
pipe comes out of the chimney. The
pipe is replaced in the chimney hole,
when the elbow commences to topple
over. The mans wife is visibly agi-
tated, and the man gets the dining
table out of the kitchen and balances
an old chair On it, and makes his wife
hold the chair while he performs aero
batic feats on the grand combine, in
an effort to drive some nails into the
ceiling, during which performance the
man drops the hammer down upon his
wife's devoted head, and she surprises
him with a yell worthy the emulation
of a Comanche Indian.
Finally the man completes the
grand act Of driving the nails, con-
structs a wide swing to hold the elbow
in position, hammers the pipe a little
on one side and then a little on the
other, pulls one joint a little here and
punches another length a little there,
gives vocal expression to a series Of
d~eprecatory and mildly profane adjec-
tives, takes a long breath, breathes a
deep-dawn sigh of relief, and proudly
announces that the job is finished.