Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-01-26

ENA, MICH, WEDNE
WIT AND HUM0R.
A blank look-A search for check
book.-Ex.
Diaries and umbrellas are hard to
keep.-Boston Post.
An old joke is like bad egg-Un-
offensive until cracked.-Ex.
A cigar lighter--The case, after
you have taken a smoke.-Ex.
Lavina wonders if the lot of a
pawnbroker isn't loan-ly one.-Ex.
Figures will not lie, but they are
handy to lie with.-Cincinnatti Com
mercial- Gazette.
A man isn't liable to arrest for as
sault and battery if he "beats" his
creditors.-Ex.
The Lick glass cost $4,000. A
liquor glass is oftentimes more expen.
sive'-Boston Transcript.
Many a man besides brave Custer
has fallen at the Little Big Horn
New York Morning Journal.
Tobogganing might be defined as
an instantaneous sensation followed
by long walk up hill.-N. Y. World.
They are making leather out of
porpoise hide now. The fish is caught
for the porpoise.-Pittsbur Tele-
gragh.
The fireman is is not always a good
gardener, although he is accustomed
to lighthouses. Boston Commercial
Bulletin.
"The dye is cast" exclaimed Pha-
saesius when Lavina flung a sample
can of coloring substance at dog in
the back yard.-Ex.
The "sweets of matrimony" doubt
less consists of honeyed words, for the
first month and of candid expressions
for the rest of life.-Ex.
Mr.. John L. Sullivan seldom be.
comes unconscious, still his opponents
are always alarmed when he feints.-
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
"Where is the ideal wife?" asks
lecturer. Well, if she is out looking
for the ideal husband, her search will
prove fruitless.-Norristown Herald
"What 1 want" cried an impetu-
Gus woman, struggling to reach rib
bon counter in a crowded store yester-
day, "what l want is free trade !"-
Boston Herald.
"Have you any chestnuts ?" "No )"
haven't received any yet. But there's
to be minstrel show in town tonight.
Perhaps you can get some there.
Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Don't always search for the serious
side of things. The man who has no
eye or ear for the ludicrous is an un.
happy mortal. Next to virtue, the
fun in the world is what we can least
spare.-Rochester Union.
"The modern female novel-reader
greatly resembles the captain of
schooner" said De Wigs.
I'm what way r. asked LIE Diggs.
"She is a skipper" Pittsburgh
Chronicle Telegraph.
"Pa." asked small boy, who was
just beginning his education, "do you
ever miss any of the letters in the
alphabet?"
eyes, sonny" answered the father
readily, II often miss V."-Ex.
ais he accomplished ?" was asked
concerning nobleman now honoring
society.
II should think he was" was the
answer. HE got $50 out of old Skin
flint, who never lends cent."-Mail
and Express.
"The line must be drawn some-
where" remarked the wife as she
stretched the clothes-line across the
path. Just after dark her husband
made some remarks in this connec-
tion.-Ex.
"Do you know, my friend" said the
temperance man, solemnly, "what it
costs you to drink whisky. 1t costs
you your health, character, home,
happiness" "Yes, by jings and it
costs me four dollars a gallon besides.
That's the wust of Boston Cour-
ier.
IL must have order in this court
room," sternly demanded a justice of
the peace. IL must and will have less
noise and confusion here. have al
ready disposed of three important