News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-03-24
MARK TWAIN AS A FARMER.
A Speech that He Delivered Before a Con.
necticut Farmers Club.

4
have been introduced to you as an
experienced agriculturist. l love the
farm. Adam loved the farm Noah
| loved his vineyards. Horace loved the
farm, as is shown by that great book,
ssWhat I Know About Farming" Wash,
= ington, Webster and Beecher were allur-
ed by the attractions Of agricu ture.
| Some one said to Beecher, "Keep your
COWS out of my shrubbery." "Keep
your shrubbery out of my cows, replied
Beecher; sit spoils the milk" Hogs
are hard animals to drive over a bridge.
| | once saw a man carried several miles
on the back of a hog that turned back
| in opposition to the solicitations of the
driver on approaching bridge. [ will
tell you of a safe way to get hogs over
! bridge: Kill them and draw them
over in a wagon. Hogs are fond of
! spring lambs and spring chickens. Hogs
will eat their own offspring if no lambs
or chicke2s are offered in the market.
When boy I was solicited to escort a
PIC to a neighbours farm. A strong rope
tied to the pig S leg was placed in my
hand l did not know before the speed
and strength of pig. But they do not
run the way you want them to run. A
pig can draw a canal-boat with the tow
line tied to his hind leg, but | would
not insure the canal-bOat Hogs are
Clearly, orderly, silent and not bent on
mischief-when cut up an salted and in
a tight barrel, with heavy weight on
the id. This is all | know about hogs.
love cows What so meek and low
ly-as mooley COW? City people are
foolish to be frightened at cows. l was
never hurt by a COW but once. He shook
his head at me from behind strong
gate. l felt the security OF my position
and SHE'D pumpkin at him He came
through the gate as though it was
spiders web, and then | was sorry l did
it. This kind of a COW should not be
fooled with unless you are tired of mon
otony. The poet loves to dwell upon
milkmaids, milking time and lovers
sparkling over the farm yard gate, but no
such poet could ever have MIXED COW
in fly time. cannot imagine success
full love suit at such a season. MIXED
the COWS one night when the boys were
Off on a Fourth of July. That is,
MIXED one and one half COWS. The last
one was so busy knocking off flies with
her hind foot thought had better not
disturb her longer A pail of fresh milk
kicked over a boy does not improve his
clothes or temper. Some say l MIXED
from the wrong side. thought | would
be sure and be right, so l MIXED half on
one side and half on the other. [ was
on the other side when she knocked off
most flies. Can any one tell me why
c no cd 70 4 +o+o ioh
side man should milk from? / claim
the right of my choice at least half of
the time
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gamble over the
green. trust you never gamble over
the green. Nothing so patient and mo-
dest as sheep. Some say a scamp is
the black sheep of the flock, but black
sheep Is just as respectable as ary,a and the
color line should not thus be drawn.
once tfshed on the bluff and casually dis
covered a sheep with large crooked
h rms coming at me with his head down
and fire in his eyes. The fish were not
biting well, so l left my sport and
lodged around a stump. I he sheep fell
On the rocks below and broke her neck.
For this act have since been accused of
non protection in the wool traffic This
remin me of Commissioner of Agri-
culture in old times who purchased six
hydraulic rams for the improvement of
fiocks. Feather beds are made
from geese, but all woollen goods and
drums are made from sheepsbins.
take great pride in the horse. "He |
is the noblest Roman of them ALL" I |
once led Stephens horse to water. How
proudly he arched his neck and tail He |
me with his front feet But | was so /
shy he turned about and playfully |
knocked my hat off with his heels. !
told Stephen 1 thought horses looked |
much better walking on four feet than
on two feet. A horse presses hard when !
your toe is caught under his hoof. [ |
speak not from theory, but from actual |
went riding with Stephens's |
horse and he SHE'D and danced provok-
ingly. "Treat him kindly" said Ste
phens, "Never beat a horse BY and |
by Stephens thought he would get out |
and walk for exercise. "You may let
him feel the lash a little now," said Ste
phens. IA little discipline now will do
him good
Here is a composition wrote on farm
ing when a boy: Farming is healthy |
work; but no man can run q farm and |
wear his best clothes at the same time. !
Either the farming must cease while the
new clothes continue, or the new clothes
must cease while farming continues. This
shows that farming is not so clean work
as beng a Congressman or schoolmaster,
for these men can wear good clothes if |
they car find money to pay for them.
Farmers get up early in the morning.
They say the early bird catches the
worm. If / was a bird, l had rather
get up late and eat cherries in place of
worms. Farmers don't paint their
wagons when they can help it, for they
show mud too quick. The color of their
boots is red, and don't look like other
peoples boots because they are twice as
big. Farmers wives have q hard time
cooking for hired men, and the hired
men find fault with the farmers wives
cooking. Why don't farmers wives let
the hired men do the cooking while
they do the finding fault? Farmers
1on't get as rich as bank presidents but
hey get more exercise. Some ask,
''Why don't farmers run for CongressY
IAey run 81 uuCu heepluS boys out OF |
heir peach orchards and melon patches
hey don't have any time to run after
anything else. If Congress should run
after farmers one might be caught now
md then. Lawyers can beat farmers
'unning for most anything. / know a
armer who tried to run line fence ac-
,ording to his notion. The other man
objected and hurt the farmer. The
armer hired a lawyer to run his fence,
md now the lawyer runs the farmers
arm and the farmer has stopped run
ling anything. Speaking of running
eminds me of our calf that ran away to
he woods. There were not enough
aen in the county to catch that calf
Ne turned the old COW loose into the
woods and she caught the calf, proving
he old saying that it takes COW to
latch a thief.
A Check in Coffin.