The Osceola times., 1887-04-02
MARK TWAIN AS A FARMER.
A Speech That He Might Have Delivered
before an Agricultural Club.

experienced agticnlturlst. tLaugn'er')
love the farm. Adam loved the farm.
Uatightet.J Noah loved his vineyards.
Horace loved the farm, as is shown ny
that great book, What Know about
Farming" CLaughter.) Washington
Webster and Beechcr were allured by
the attractions of agriculture. Some
one said to Beecher: keep your cows
out of my shrubbery." keep your
sirubbcry out of my cows, replied
Beeeher, at spoil. the milk. =
Laughter) Hogs are hard animals to
drive over Il bridge. Uaughter) 4
once saw 4 man carried several miles
on the back Of a hog that
turned back in opp sition to
the solicitations Of the driver on sIs
pro,ehing a bridge. Oaughter)
will tell you of safe way to get hogs
over a bfidgs' Kill them and draw
them over in wagod. tLaughter.) }
Hogs are fond of spring lambs nm"
spring chickens. Hogs will eat their
own offspring il no lambs or chick
ems are offered in the market. Qaugh-
ter.) When a boy vas solicited TO
escort pig to neighbor's farm" A
strong rope tied to the pigs leg was
placed IN my hand. | did not know
before the speed and strength of pig.
Naughter) But they do not run the
way you want them to run. (Renewca
laughter.) A pig can draw a canal
boat with the tow-line tied to his hind
leg, but | would not insure the canal
boat. Hogs are oleanly, orderly, silent
and not bent on mischief-Qaughter)
when cut up and saltei and in IA tight
barrel, with d heavy weight on the
lid. prolonged laughter) This is all
know about hogs.
love cows. Uaughter.) What 50
meek and low-ly- Qaughter)-as a
mooley cow9 City people are foolish
to be frightened at cows. / was never
hurt by COW but once He shook his
head at me from behind a strong gate.
felt the security of my position and
SHE'D a pumpkin at him. He came
through the gate as though it was a
spiders web, and then | was sorry |
dill it. Oaugh er.) This kind of a
COW should not be fooled with unless
you are tired OF monotony. Uaugh-
ter) The poet loves to dwell upon
milkmaids. milking time and lovers
sparkling over the farm yard gate, but
no such poet could ever have MIXED a
COW in fly time. Uaughter) can
not imagine a successful love
suit at such season. !
MIXED the COWS one night when the
boys were off on Fourth Of July.
| Laughter.) That is, | mked one and
one-half cows. Uaughter) The las,
one was so busy knocking off flies with
her hind foot thought had better not
disturb her longer. A pail of fresh milk
kicked over boy does not improve his
clothes or temper. Some say | milked
from the wrong side. (Great laughter. }
thought | would be sure and be right
so | MIXED half on one side and hall
on the other. (Renewed laughtor)
was on the other side when she knocked
off most flies, Can any one tell me why
COW should be permitted 70 dictate
which side a man shall milk fromP
claim the right of my choice at leas'
half of the tim.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gambol over the
green. trust you never gamble over
the green. Nothing so patient and
modest as sheep. Uaughter) Some
say scamp is the black sheep of the
flock, but black sheep is just as re-
spectacle as any, and the color line
should not thus be drawn. daughter.
| once fshed on the bluff and casually
discovered sheep with large crooked
horns coming at me with head down
and fire in her eyes The fish were
not biting well, so | left my sport and
lodged behind stump. The sheep
fell on the rocks below and broke her
neck. For this act | have since been
accused Of non-protection of the WOOL
traffic. This reminds me Of commits.
sioner of agriculture in old times who
purchased six hydraulic rams for the
improvement of American flocks.
prolonged laughter) Feather beds
are made from geese, but all wooden
goods and drums are made from sheep
skins. (Applausc.)
take great pride in the horse. 'lle
is the noblest Roman Of them all -
Uaughter.) | once led stephens horse
to water. How proudly he arched his
neck and tail He was so fond of me
he tried to embrace me with his front
feet But was so shy he turned about
and playfully knocked my hat off with
his heels. Uaughter) told stephens
| thought horses looked much better
walking on four feet than on two feet
A horse presses hard when your toe i.
caught under his hoof | speak not
from theory, but from actual expert.
ence. Uaughtcr.) ! went riding with
Stephens horse and he SHE'D and
danced provokingly. Treat him kind
ly." said Stephens; "never beat Z
horse BY and by Stephens thought
he would get out and walk foreyercisc.
"iou may let him feel the lash little
now, " said Stephens. "A little discip.
line now will do him good" pro,
longed laughter.)
Here is a composition ! wrote on
farming when a boy; Farming is
healthy work; but no man can run .
| fnIn1 md NunnI. Ii. ln.A l.lni H. IL.