News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-05-05
COULD KEEP THEM.

COULD KEEP THEM.
A laughable story is told at the ex-
pense OF IL Boston gentleman, who went
with party of eXcursionists to San
Francisco. When the BOstOnian had
been duly busted, and all traces of travel
removed from his immaculate broad
cloth and shining beaver, he turned to
the affable porter with benign smile,
and vouchsafed: "Well, [ suppose you
want something for your trouble" and,
drawing out his portly wallet, he took
therefrom two bright new pennies, and,
with the air of a man who was doing
rather more than was expected OF him,
or the occasion demanded, presented
them to the porter. A look of puzzled
establishment oyerspread the features Of
the African, as nothing smaller than the
five-cent nickel circulates there; but as
soon as he regained speech he passed
them back with the remark: eve has
no use for them here, Sab :" ''Oh, "
replied the frugal New-Englander,
keep them, keep them; you may go
East some time"
CRIMINAL CARELESSNESS.
s'Julia, did that young man who called
on You last evening kiss you just before
he left the house"
s'Whv, mamma, could you hear -
81 heard enough; too much for my
own peace of mind. How often have 1
told YOU to beware of these men? ? Your
conduct is inexcusable.
81 wasn't to blame, mamma. We We're
standing at the front door, and his mouth
was real close to my face, and before L
knew it
"That will do. L see you have no ex-
cuse to offer.
"Ycs-I have" sobbed Julia.
"What is it, pray!"
"IIis mouth-was-awfu close to my
face-and-I didn't inow-it was-load-
ed."-NercAdnt TrGreLer.
THE CONSCIENTIOUS FIREMAN.
Young Wife-'I know very well,
mother, that my husband no longer loves
me-"
Mother-"How do you know it, my
daughter?"
''You know he belongs to fire COM
pany?"
eyes"
'Well, before we were married, when
we were courting and the fire bell rang,
he never went to the fire. He said that
he would rather pay the tine.!'
"Why, now, at the very first sound
of the bell, he says duty calls him, and
he is off and away in three shakes of a
sleeps tail. '-Teras lSTAngS.
THE BEST.
A man with brick-colored whiskers en-
tered a Harrison street saloon yesterday
afternoon, and, leaning one greasy coat
sleeve on the mahogany, exclaimed:
"Gimme some of the best you We got. "
The man behind the bar set out a
glass full of water.
''What's thatl" asked the man with
the whiskers.
''That's water, replied the proprietor.
''What do [ want of water 2"
''You asked me for the best [ had, and
there it is" continued the barkeeper.-
Chicago Hera!d.
MADE HIS PEACE.
A comic actor was much addicted to
drink. He was on the road and billed
to appear in a small town. When he
came on the stage he was SO drunk that
the audience hissed him. Steadying him
self on the scenery the actor said: La
dish and shentlemens-When an artist
of my shtanding conshents to appear at
all in such little One-hosh town as this
he mustn't either be drunksh or crazshy.
I prefer to be considered an inebriate. 4"
The audience roared and forgave him.
I'eeas SJtjngs.
THE FOR REPAIRS.
Railroad official Ito President of the
companv)-I am inclined to think that
the big iron bridge has been tritie I'M
safe.
observation-disclosures. Why do you
think so?
Oficial-Because this dispatch says it
has lust gone down with train load OF
passengers.
50 LITTLE.
Laura-Papa, isn't my new dress just
too lovely for anything!
Papa-Yes, dear. Was the goods very
expensive !
Laura-Why, no, papa, | am delight
ed over the colors and the perfect fit.
What makes you think the material was
| expensive! ,.,,
Papa-Because you bought so little Of
it.-HGrpe,'s Bd:ar.
HOME CYCLONE.
a Dakota young lhith Pu' oii ShOM
shoes and walked twenty miles through
a blizzard to keep an appointment to
ret married. A year after marriage he
will tell his wife when he returns home
n few hours after bedtime that he was
detained by a threatening rain-storm
aud he forgot his umbrella. .-N0rrist0@R
HcrGid.
NO CARDS.
Angry stranger Ito assistant editorl--
Is the man who is responsible for this
article in!
Assistant editor-No, sir.
Angry Stranger-Where does he sit ?
Assistant Editor-The corner desk.
sir: the one that has the 44-calibre re-
volyer for o paper weight, VIII you
leave your card, sir
sa&gy Stranger (miIdly)-~N'aot