The Ohio Democrat. (Logan, O. [Ohio]) 1886-1906, 1887-04-23
uNpERrAKeRs' TALES,
Stories Told by Funeral Directors at Thot
MeafInR In BIifaliuru uIa.

Stories Told by Funeral Directors at Thct
Meeting In Pittsburgh.
~ had funny experience years ago
when worked for Mayor-elcct Nc
Calm in this city" remarked a countr,
undertaken.
"What was thatp"
"Why, got pay for burying y mar
twice. Itwas this way: A man hat
been fished up out of the river and SEM
to our house to bury. That night about
nine O'Clock in came two women, d
mother and daughter, named Smith
living on the south side. They asked
to sec the drowned man, and as quick
as lifted the cloth that covered his
face, the old lady threw up both hands
and screamed: That's him; that's nv
poor husband The young lady identi-
fled him, too, but didn't seem to feel
very bad. The next morning the family
| lawyer came to me and gave orders for
the burial. The old man, it seemed,
had considerable money; at any rate, I
worked him off real nice and respectable
like, and got my pay. About year
later the same lawyer came to me and
says: You ought to owe me fifty
dollars?
Why says I.
"'Why, paid you that for burying
old Smith about year ago and he
wasn't dead. But he is ready to plant
this time; died last night, and I came
over after you.
'Well. went over and laid the man
out. While was at work on him the
old lady came in and said: We'll, he's
dead enough this time, poor man. The
night after we'd buried him before, he
came walking into the room where we
was all sitting. He had taken little
too much drink, and had just got over
itand read about our buryin' him in
the papers, an Lor' but he was mad. I
knew he was no sperrit as soon as he
came in. But / guess he won't come
back this time"
81 never like to shave a corpse" re-
marked a red-headed funeral director
from an adjoining county, "and if it is
practicable always like to get barber.
About month ago had an old man
to bury who had died with four or five
days growth of beard. His limbs had
contracted terribly after death, and to
straighten them out we had laid couple
of plank across him. He was lying on
the bed in this way when the barber
came, a big colored fellow, with consid-
cradle superstition about him. He
shaved the outside of the face all right,
and then had to climb OH the bed, over
the deceased. to shave the other side.
In some way his knees hit the plank
which lay across the dead mans chest,
and held his arms down, releasing
both arms. They sprung together like
the jaws of steel trap, and happened |
to catch the barber on both sides of the |
head. He gave one long yell that |
lasted till he reached the street, and |
that was the last seen of him. 1 had to
finish the job, since the darky was so
badly scared that it was three days be-
fore he went to work again"
The following dialogue is alleged to
have been overheard at the convention,
md was re-told with considerable gusto:
Country Undertakcr-D you make
my difference in your own manner and
Expression in conducting different
City Funeral Director Certainly. I
lave three expressions--one for first
lass funerals, one for medium, and one
or cheap funerals. First-class funerals,
Is call them, are when the family has
wealth and social position. These peo-
'le are calm and undemonstrative in
heir sorrow, and l use what l call my
'dignified sorrow" expression-a calm,
ad look, with white tie. 1 charge
en- dollars extra for this in my ct Get
ras. For the medium class just sling
n a sort of "ministerial sadness"
ook that costs them five dollars extra.
the family have lots of money and
re pretty shoddy, and bound to make
big show. use suppressed grief"
xpression that l pride myself on. 1t is
eally pathetic That costs the mourn-
is twenty-five dollars, but it's dandy.
Pittsburgh Dispatch.