The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1887-06-16
Glashes of Gmm,

morgue.
The negro should be eminently fitted
for secret expeditions, inasmuch as he can
always travel under the cover of dark
ness.-Bostom Transcript.
A feature at a meeting of the Salvation
Army the other night in Washington was
an address by a converted dude. The
army prayed vociferously for all poor
dudes yet unconverted.-M Y. Tribune.
"Your Honor" said the prisoner at the
bar, "itisn't that the jury found me guilty,
or that you gave me i've years at Joliet.
What I complain of is the prosecuting at
torney saying I'm no gentleman Wall
Street MeaUs. .
"The Boycott Does Not Work is the
head of an article in an exchange. And
this, by the way, is what is the matter
with the boycotter. He neither works
nor wants anybody else to work.-Nor-
ristoaUm Herald.
A wise book agent: as the head of
the house in {" Servant: "Yis, sorr.
He's in the library thryin' to write a let
ter with his new stylographic pen. Wull
yez come in7" Book agent (hastily):
"No; I'll call again."-Harper's Bazaar.
Judge: "You are innocent. What
then were you doing with the watch if
you didn't intend to steal it?" Sam
Johnsing: 81 jess wanted ter wind it up
for him, boss. OATS de solem troof. I
can't tell a lie eff I wus ter try for a week."
-7suas Syifsmgs.
Fred (who has just offered himself):
And you won't mind, will you, if we be-
gin on a moderate scale, as I still have
my fortune to make?
She: Of course not. And I do so wish
we had known this before the Morgan
sale, for I should be perfectly satisfied to
begin with secondhand things.-L1e.
A Western man applied for a pension
on the ground that he was badly injured
by a Confederate cram" during the war.
Investigation showed that he was a sutler
in the army, and while out on a foraging
expedition with some of the boys, was
painfully butted through the fence by an
old sheep of the male persuasion, the
property of a Confederate officer. His
story was true enough, but-Norristowm
Herald.
Possible Customer: "What does a
frst-class funeral cost, Mr.. Layemout?"
Mr.. Layemout (undertaker): "Why,
none of your family are dead, are they?"
P. c.: "No, not yet, but the old lady
has bought a kerosene stove, Johnny has
got a new bicycle, and my eldest daughter
is keeping company with a Pittsburg dude
who carries a hair-trigger pistol. It's
well enough to keep abreast of the mar
ket."-Judge.
At the hospital: Physician-"I con-
graduate you sincerely, my dear sir"
Patient Goyfully): "Then I will re-
cover?" Physician: "No, not exactly
but after consultation we have come to
the conclusion that your case is an entire
ly new one, and we have decided to give
your name to the malady, provided our
diagnosis is confirmed by the autopsy"
Patient Immediately expires from fright.)
Journal Of Reconstruchves.
Hostess Ito Bobby, who is dining out
with his mother): "Will you nave an
other piece of pie, Bobby2"
Bobby: "Yes'm."
Hostess (smilingly): "And so you are
one of the fortunate little boys whose
mamas let them have the second piece of
pie2"
Bobby: "Yes'm; she does when we're
out %visitin'; but at home I never get but
one piece.-Harper's Bazaar.
A four-year old tot today invited three
older playmates into an ice cream saloon,
where she magnifcently ordered four
plates Of cream. When the delectable
food had been eaten she calmly proceeded
to walk out of the place without paying
forit. The proprietor stopped her. Look
ing up in his face in the most innocent
manner in the world she lisped: II amt
got any money, sir: I'll pay you when
I'm married. NeaOs.
Miss Clara: "And SO you really
think bangs are becoming to me, Mr..
Featherly ?"
Mr.. Featherly: "Vastly so, Miss Clara,
vastly So"
Miss Clara: "But they are getting so
common. Everybody wears them"
"Mr. Featherly: eyes, so I under
stand. A fashion note I saw in a paper
recently stated that hair dealers were
scarcely able to supply the demand."-N.
Y. Sun.
"Deed, miss" said he, addressing the
daughter, "you'se lookin' mighty peart
you is, and growed a big 'ooman, too,
since [ fust knowed We. An dar's yo'
mudder, too. Lawd! Lawd! 'stonishin'
how smart she looks. [ amt CINE ter
say at you look SOLIDS yo' mudder, but I
'clar it I'M a sartin fack yo' mudder
looks s young as you."
And the courtly old coon chuck1ed
coft1r or 1o poe,,nooI II, lora-- n