Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-10-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

OWerS--ftttSOuTy CHfOWtctt.
The pen is mightier than the sword
IN the hands of 4 General not entirely
great in the late war.-NeU Orleans
Picayune.
A travelling doctor who is holding
forth in Indiana has his bills read: IF
not hung by mob shall reach this
place about Detroit Free Press.
He-Then you love mee She-I do.
He-And | may speak to your pa?
She-No. Speak to ma. Pa amt
anybody in this house.-Bostop Cour-
Ter.
A domestic difficulty in Partisan
high life. Marquis-Are you not the
mother of my children, madam?
Marchioness- of them, sir
4own Topics.
An article is printed on ..How to
Treat Your Wife. One good way
would be to treat her as well as you
did before you married her.-Somer-
vile Journal.
This is sad and bitter world, re-
marked a gentleman of Irishextraction.
1--WE meyer strew flowers on man S
grave until after be is dead. p Wash
'mgton Hatchet.
when young man sits in the par
Tor talking nonsense to his best girl.
that's capital. But when he has to
stay in of evenings after they're mar
ried, that's labor.-Ihe Judge.
They were discussing art matters
'sHave you ever been done in oil. Mr..
Smith," she asked. 80. yes" he re-
piled. 9Who was the artist?" ''He
wasn't an artistic was broker. y
Puck.
Wife Cat breakfasG-I want to do
some shopping to-day, dear, if the
weather is favorable What are the
probabilities? Husband Consult
ing the paper)-Rain, hail, thunder,
and lightning.-Puck.
The railroads are polishing up the
passenger-car stove in anticipation of
he regular fall and winter trade.
Whey are also negotiating with under
oakers and cemeteries for reduced
rates. Minneapolis Tribune.
ELLA" said Clara, as they were
seated on the veranda of their country
boarding house, Il went fishing with
Charley this morning" ''Did youP
What did you catch?" Il caught
Charley. "-NeU York San.
"Well," said st. Peter, opening the
gate, ''who are youp" I'm q base
ball umpire" Come in, what is left
of you, my poor man. 1t is those who
suffer most below who find easiest en-
trance here. boston Courier.
.'Do you think the man legally
guilty according to the evidenced" was
the question; and Immediately every
lawyer present inquired with extreme
anxiety: ''What is the amount of his
assets and liabilities ?"-1he Judge
''Waiter, have you got any chicken
salad?" Sorry, sir; but we were dis
appointed in the arrival of our veal
this morning, but we had some mud
turtle come in, and l can give you
rome nice terrapin stew."-Boston
Courier.
Old Golddust Con his knees to the
Widow Bullion All, madam! /
adore you- Widow B.-There,
there! Do not get excited, Mr.. Gold
dust. You have let your teeth fall in
my lap. Shall | give them a caramelP
>LJe.
s.Ethel, dear, you are looking pale
I'D i'll this morning?" Yes. mann
ma; went in bathing yesterday and
rot nv feet wet" 20, careless girl,
and spoiled your bathing suit, no
doubt. Never let that happen again. J"
-Burdette.
T., +l,o o,>;p1o,, of ,,,opr,,,,rSoO' fro;
.ng-schools for children's nurses are
tery much needed in this country.
This opinion would probably be
shared by the great majority of in
Iants if they were capable of forming
Eli opinion York Tribune.
Omaha dame (reading)-ssThe King
b~s just begun a suit for divorce
against his WIFE" Chicago dame-''I
didn't. hear the first part. What
King?" THE King of the Society
Islands," go, often wondered why
they were called Society Islands. y
Omaha World.
Bartender (to customer)- s'You are
putting water in your whisky, sir. [
thought you always drank it straight"
Customer (hastily)-''Why, SO | do.
| forgot myself for the moment" Bar
tender s'That's what l thought Well,
how is the milk business, Mr.. Yelloh?"
Nea0 YorL San.
A human skeleton was discovered
six feet under ground by workmen in
a stone-quarry near Culbertson. The
spinal column was curiously incased
in a rock and thoroughly petrified. It
was doubtless the shattered remnant
of primeval real-estate agent.-Du-
nth Paragrapher.
Omaha girl-s.WhatI Art at funer-
als?" Boston girl-'sYes, indeed.
Hand-painted collins are all the style
in Boston now Some of the latest de-
signs are gloriously beautiful" :..Beau-
tiful?" '.Distractingly. 1t is all we
can do to keep from committing sui
eide. p Omaha World.
Nebraska farmer-s.Live in ST.
Louis, eh?" ST. Louis man-ssYes; I
am a street contractor there" ''W hat
do you have to do?" MY duties are
to keep the streets clean and free from
Instructions. Il see. Say. mister,
What mowing-machine do you consider
re best?'- Omaha World.
sfYou no doubt know NV friend -