Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-05-05
SQUIBS.


Mother-in-law (grimly)-She ought to
know by this time.
Life insurance is an institution which
keeps man poor as long he lives, so that
he may die rich.
Pretty soon you will see "a little duck
of bonnet on a little goose of
woman.
1t is never to late to mend; but a man
cannot expect to have button sewed on
much after midnight.
A Kentucky town was recently visited
by shower of what looked like whiskey.
Nature never made a mistake.
The London Telegraph calls d.. Hol-
mes an evergreen veteran" This is
probably because he always looks so
spruce.
Mr.. Hammond has a new name TO,
mesmerism. He calls it syggignocism
May we ask whittier are we drifting?.
Eight girls now in Wellesley College
intend to be missionaries. Happy csa-
nibals! The Wellesley flavor is delicious.
Speaking of drinking it may be observ-
ed that the man who "can takeit or leave
it alone" most always take it.
This is General Greely's first spring a.
chief of the signal service, and If it's a
sample of what he can do, what must the
genuine article be?
Some of the spring bOnnets on exhibit
ton are real poems, while others hardly
come up to the standard of jubilee
ode.
The knowledge that murder on the
high seas" is an extraditable Offense has
caused great CONSERVATION among debu-
tante vocalists.
There is no truth in the rumor that the
president asked J John l.. Sullivan how he
would like to be Secretary of War.
Actors, in general, may not know much
about architecture, nevertheless many of
them have been known to draw good
houses.
It is said that Theodore Thomas walks
ten miles a day. He is the very man
wanted to lead the New York American
National Opera company.
The country editor yesterday changed
the standing head Drowned While Skat
ing" to Drowned While Bathing" and
we know spring is on us with both feet.
Husband Gmpatiently to his wife)
told you I only wanted half cup of tea,
and as usual you've filled it up to the top.
Don't you know what half full is?
We never appreciate how much subdu
ed humanity there can be found in a man
until we see him playing dominoes with
his mother-in-law.
Strange that man has been given two
ears and but one tongue, when, as every
body knows, he would rather talk all day
than listen five minutes.
A Burlington woman lost her false
teeth and when asked what was the
matter with her wrote on piece of paper:
displacement of the Jaw"
: The 'Rise and Fall of the Poet" is
what an exchange talks about to the ex-
tent of three columns, but in all that
space not one word is mentioned about
how many times he was hit.
1t is becoming fashionable in New
York for ladies to carry gold headed
canes on the street, and quite number
Of important dudes are laid up with sore
heads.
A student of the times tkinks a great
war in Europe would demolish the nobil-
ity and send TO level the classes. Per-
haps; a soldier has no duty that he
loves SO well IS that of breaking rank.
The space-writing reporter will write
seven columns about nothing, and after
he has finished will run on for hours
about the garrulity of the female sex.
Consistency, thy name is not man.
A sentiment writer asks: "Did you ever
watch dear baby waking in the morn
ng?"Many times. 1t generally occurs
about 5 o'clock and enables the father
to get up splendid appetito for break
fast.
"Don't you find the people around
here very sociable?" asked Cobwigger of
new neighbor.
eyes, indeed I do" was the hearty re-
Spouse. "Oniy moment ago I met a
beggar, and he held out his hand to me-"
Herr Most says the socialist will yet
make his mark in America. It would be
more to his credit if he would learn to
can only make his mark which makes
him a socialist.
Judge exhibiting awedged razor =
Is that the weapon with which the prison
er assaulted you? mplainant-Yas.
boss, DAFT the same razzer. Judge
Prisoner is discharged. Don't come
ncIO dlu uulCSS lS uIlOS W SudfS you
with it.
whats the matter, Pat?" "More fun
in the family this morning, sor." eyes,
twins again?" No, sor Faith and its
triplets this time" you're getting on"
"Gettin' on, it is? By hiving, sor, I be-
lave tae next'll be quadrupedsw
A Local divine relates With much gusto
the unwonted honors paid him at re-
Gently attended funeral service. On his
arrival the widower-chief mourner adj
dressed the assembly as follows: "My
friends, have the pleasure of introduc
ing to you Rev. Dr.. We'd better sing
something. Suppose We try the dox
ology."
Japan, with its boosted culture, is al
most as knighted as China after all. A
traveller states that no wine, whisky Or
brandy has ever been manufactured there.
Like the heather chinese, they take
opium, which puts them to sleep, instead
of drinking fluids, which would make
them feel like roaming around painting
the town red, killing their next door
neighbors, and having good time gener-