davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
The Lime Kiln Club.

'My attenshun,n said Brother Gardner, as
he carefully pulled down his vest, has bin
directed to de follerin' article in a Chicago
paper:
'Skipped.-The treasurer of the cele
brated Lime Kiln club at Detroit has changed
his postal address to Canada. He took over
$1,000 with him and it is said the club is
badly broken up Let us have some phil
osophy from Brother Gardner on the subject
of official honesty
How dat report got abroad doan' know, y
continued the old man, "but it was made
outer hull cloth, as we all know. Oar sots
our respected treasurer in his usual seat au
de funds of de club ar safe in bank Human
foresight an human hindsight hev deir weak
pints, an de day may possibly come when
some sich item may be true in part. may
take de liberty of briefly explainin' to de
meetin' fur de benefit of any suspishus mem.
ber de modus operandi on which de finanshul
system Of dis club am conducted.
"fustiy-All de moneys received fur dues,
payment Of fines, ETC., ar counted three
times ober by de three members of the finance
committee BY dat time de figures are
krect, an all de bogus pieces sorted out to
send to de furrein heather. De sum ar en-
tered on three separate cash books an each
member must check up de entry made by de
odder.
"Secondly-De cash ar den passed ober to
Sir Isaac Walpole, Waydown Bebee, Elder
Spooner an myself. We recount it an enter
it on four mo- cash books
"Thirdly-It den goes to de treasurer, who
counts it again, makes anodder entry an do
five of lis purceed to de bank an deposit it,,
On de way down we keep clus watch on
each odder.
'Fourthly-Nota cent kin be drawed frum
de bank widout issue de check an fo' odder
pussons sign it.
"Fifthly-When de treasurer Of dis club so
fur forgits hisself as TO absorb $1,000 of our
money an cross de ribber it will be a cold
day-cold 'nuff for two undershirts. It can't
be dun, eben if he wanted to git his name up
an run fur some fat offs.
"Sixthly-As to any remarks on de subiiclS
Of ofiishus dishonesty, our feelin's ar purity
generally known. 1t ar mighty few honest
men who run fur any offs wharf dar' am a
chance to steal. 1t ar mighty few who
could git offs if dey wanted it. Candidates
fur fat offises, in desc days, ar selected by
various rings Each ring wants a man Il
kin handle. Each ring gifts dar. De fitness
of candydate as to honesty has no bearin'
on de case. If he doan' turn out thief or
an embezzler befo' his term ar up all people
ar surprised. II he does turn out de public
holds its bref to find out how many others
ar guilty as well, fur it understands dat he
has not profited alone When de honest men
of dis kentry riz up an insist wild deir bal
lots dat only respectable men shall hold offs,
de great highway to Canada will be grass
grown. "-Detroit Free Press.
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

mention any defects, and yet shall try to
avoid hurting the authors feelings. want
to score the operetta with merciless hand,
and yet l do not wish to give myself needless
pain.
The operetta itself is called "The Singed
Cat" because it is really so much better than
it seems to be. The music was composed
partly by myself and partly by count who
plays on the ferryboats in summer and has
his winters to himself. He does not wish to
have his name used because, as he says, he is
afraid that foreign powers will get on to it
and make him come back to attend to the
count business again. He says it is very
disagreeuble to be count and live on a long,
slim pedigree and what the neighbors bring
in from time to time.
The orchestra opens the performance with
a selection from the "Flying Dutchman. -
Difficult as it may appear, the orchestra
makes good selection from this gentleman,
and it is played well after everything Is
ready. 1t takes some little time for an
orchestra to get ready, however. The man
who bites Off the first joint of the clarionet
breathes few liquid notes, the first violin
sounds "a" and the gentleman with the bas-
soon looks up into its dark recesses to see if
any cayenne or kittens have been deposited
there since he played last The superintend-
ent of the large violin stands it upon end and
feels Of its staccato. He then chalks his bow
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
Inst the Same.

1t was on one Of the ferryboats the other
day. An old man, who seemed to have some
trouble with his foot, pulled Off his shoe in
the presence of two scores of passengers,
rubbed his heel for a moment as he looked
around, and then hobbling over to mother
ly looking woman he asked:
"Ma'am, will you oblige me with the loan
of pair of pincers for few secondsg
"Pincersp she gasped.
"Yes'm-want em to pull a peg out Of my
shoe. If you have tack hammer, perhaps |
can drive the Internal thing inv
"Why, my soull but l haven't ANYTHING
of the sortp
Haven't youl Well, it's all right, and YOU
needn't feel bad about it. We are ali careiess
critters, and l often come away from the
house and forget my milestone, wagon Jack
or gimlet. No excuses, maam-it's all right
all right detroit Free Press
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

me cry OF a wounded clay pigeon, and gradu-
MY scars upward, like the price of coal, and
'nds with some artistic gargling which sug-
sests a warble in the upper register.
AS she gets more confidence in herself she
becomes more irritated because Felix did NOT
get there at the same time he said he would.
The prima donna of the "Singed Catn has
tpleasant voice, full of timbre and fine allie
gro movement, bordering on the andante
Mr. Riley, who has heard her. says that when
lhe pulls out the last joint on her crescendo
IND opens her upper register, her mouth
ooks not unlike a stab in the dark. She
unSs with the whole arm movement. and her
lction is good as she goes by the Judges,
fnnd. She has selection in the second
lct called Back to Our Mountains in
Ehich she starts Off with a ritard in
which she emits chest note which tests
he acoustics of the hall, that She is
ickled TO get back to her mountains. such as
hey are, and is pleased with the altitude
She has assisted in "The Damnation az
FAUST but otherwise her conduct has been
good. She is a widow, her husband being
deceased. He was listening to the song Of a
luzz saw near saltwater, Mimi. in 1873. and
;ot an idea that the saw had something com
ldentlal to communicate and desired To take
nm apart for that purpose. Anyway, he
vas in that condition when they found him
sor that reason her music is frequently tear
ul and often solfeggio in spots. Her reper-
oire is very large and has a lid on it, The
mly criticism that feel warranted in max.
ng, and hate to do that, is that she has
lightly ruptured her voice by trying several
Iears ago to sing a duet with herself and
hus draw two salaries
When the applause has died away Felix
| omes in with a baritone voice and dimin-
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
A JUDGES Qulek Rernrtee.

The following was perpetrated by a Judge
OF one of our higher local courts, now off the
bench, but whose identity will be instantly
discovered 10y many lawyers without mem
loning his name. On the first Monday of a
term many jurors were as usual in line before
him TO present reasons for being excused
from service. Among them was very
dirty, unkempt, shaggy bearded man, who.
despite the efforts of the attendants 10 re-.
strain him, insisted on advancing to the
Judges desk and speaking privately with him
The judge, noticing his importantly, signi-
he'd his willingness to allow the talesnan to
approach, and then said to him somewhat
sternly: "Well, sir, what is itr The man
leaned over tue bench until his lips almost
touched the judges ear, and then Whispered; /;
I've got the itch" The crowded court room
was watching the result with curiosity "NIr,
Clerk" said the judge instantly, without the
slightest change Of expression and in a voice
painfully loud and distinct "Mr Clerk.
he's got the itch Scratch him. York
Tribune
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
A Pecp AZ ,Toseph cb,nl,n,l,,,,,

The Right Hon. Joseph Chamberlain is one
of the most peculiar of the thousands Of ne.
culiar folks who have feasted at Dclmopico's
great dining hall. He sat through the long
dinner Of the chamber of commerce on Tues.
day night and listened to the flow Of oratory
and not the faintest indication of a smile or
even interest fitted across his clear cut feat-
ures. Secretary Fairchili tried TO engage
him in conversation, and Mr.. Depew, his
next neighbor, seemed disposed to make
things pleasant for the stranger. Mr.. Cham.
berlaln, with his gold trimmed monocle stuck
IN his right eye, would show momentary in
terest in the courtesy of his two neiehbors
and relapse into his frozen state. lie glared
straight ahead like a soldier on dress parade
He spoke, Of course, with an English. Yer
knAw' accent, and in his speech of 1000
words only two forlorn and unprotected
psriods were accommodated with standing
room. 1t was speech Of commas. New
York Sun
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
"eooks THAI HAVE HELPED us.a

Among the books that help us all
Along life's dreary track, ~.
IN summer, winter, spring and fall, h'SsT
None beats the Almanac. -TSslfEg
OF past events it serves us with ss.5s El,a,
A record, full, complete, Il (
In sentences as full OF pth 4 t-S'5aT5-5S
AS eggs are full OF meat. ;.I.3zS,5-.TT
Its weather prophecies are true, ] sSsslSlST
Or nearly, il not quite, ~ 70
And knock the Signal Service Blu. TeI7TJ5T
Reau's higher than kite. :.T.,T;-I
From day to day with confidence ~
We to its pages go,
10 find, gs-clear-mild-cold Intense
High-wind-"Lo lookout
But better far than heat or cold,
Snow, hail, rain, thunder showers
1t gives us jokes that Adam told
To Eve in Eden's bowers
The jeu d'esprit that mirth provokes-
For which the babies cry,
The old, the dear familiar jokes,
The jokes that never die. =
Among the books that help us an
Along life's dreary track,
In summer, winter. spring and fall,
None beats the Almanac. Boston Courier
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
Erroneous.
''Is that you, Charley"

SIS that you, Charleyg'
1t was beautiful night and the soft rays
of the moon fell about the fair form Of the
speaker like benediction.
The young man had come quietly from the
gate and the slight noise he made in ascend
ing the steps attracted the girls attention.
"Great heayens!n he muttered to himself,
show love that maiden.n
SIS that you, Charleyf' she repeated, in a
low, sweet tone; "I'm SO glad you came.
Draw chair from the parlor; it is lovely
here in the moonlight
But, alas it wasn't Charley, it was George;
and the cold wind wlistlcd through his
whiskers. Life.
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
Mark Twain as a Lecturer.

The last time heard him lecture, after
having got rid Of his hands, he stood before
the house as stiff and silent as an unopened
oyster. The audience was as still as he
After long pause, during which every one
was painfully wondering what ailedihim, he
said HIM and Immediately relapsed into
silence \ fun minute went hv during
which he remained perfectly quiet with his
eyes staring straight before him. Then he
said Him again. At last, some one started
nttle ripple rt applause Mark looked IN.
radiant with smiles Thank you, he said,
York Tribune
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
STORES ABOUT MEN.
He Wanted to Buy a Jowsharp from
Plat Evans.

He Wanted to Buy a Jowsharp from
Plat Evans.
Cal Thomas, who always has q good story In
tel, has this one on Platt Eys,s, a suffering
Joker, who was one of the early pioneers Of
Cincinnati: In early days" saws Cal eft
used to be thought capital fun to send n
countryman from store 70 store inauirinr for
the things he would be certain not to find at
the places to which he was sent One dnv q
Fellow came, as he had been directed to
Platts store 10 buy a iewsharp Platt was a
merchant tailor. He was busy with customer
as the man appeared but, observing that sew
eral OF tho Toys had dropped in at the door
Just t .o- what Platt would do he caught
on at once and responded to the inquiry for
the musical instrument, 'W-w-wait "A min
ute Having served his customer, he picked
up PAR OF glove srretchers and approached
the rural mcIodist with, 'L-l-let me m-mens-
ure your m.m-mouth,' and, introducing the
stretchers, manipulated them so as to trans
form the aperture into a horizontal yawn
awful to see, and capacious enough to 6old a
uolen Jewsllarps Removing the apparatus
ne examined it carefully and deliberately. ms
one might scrutiniae thermometer or a
pocket compass, and then dismissed tbe mn.
hunter for jewsharps, as he said in
. a., tone Of well feigned disappointment:
y iH-w-we S..y hain't g-g-got any your size, w
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

which develops into duodccimo run. He is
accompanied by a running mate, consisting
flute with large red mustache over the
main entrance.
The Snged Cat will be produced at the
Pol grounds early in January. Let there
y a full house.-Bll Nye in New York
Rurld.
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
S. III. Barnard,

FIFTH AND MARKET SITS,
Has hislarge warerooms chuck full
of Pianos and Organs. They are for
sale. 1t will pay you to stop in and
examine his stock. New goods.
New Management We mention
few leading makes. First on the
listwe place the standard WEBER
good as gold. Then comes the
HARDMAN remarkable for its
fine tone and finish and splendid
wearing qualities. You must not
pass by the MASON&HAMLIN
their new method of stringing will
strikeyouas radical improvement
in piano making. CHICKERING
is a household word. Then for
medium prices we have theaf vor-
lite MARSHALL &WENDELL,
STIRLING and others. Pianos
in all styles Of Rosewood, Ebony,
Mahogany and Blister Walnut.
Cash or instalments.
Is it an ORGAN you are look
ing for? How will an ESTY do?-
king of organs. Following closely
on its heels are the DYER &
HUGHES and WILCOX &
y HITE, both noted for their
volume, sweetness durability and
artistic design Always on hand
the popular Eastern Cottage Or
gans in every style of case and
action. Cash or installments.
Smaller instruments in great
variety. Sheet music and books.
Pianos, organs, s,acoordeons, &C.,
thoroughly tuned and repaired by
E. T. Potter, with
S. III. Baynard,
FIFTH AND MARKET SITS.
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

ished triad. He
thinks of the first
verse while the pic
colo makes a few
desultory remarks,
and then he ex-
plains how he could
not get there when
he agreed to be-
cause the jury dis
agreed, or some
Ching Of that kind.
He swallows nim-
aginary clam with
the shell on it, and
begins in a low,
passe roun d e Law
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
G. w. KENNEDY & co.
1924 Chestnut street.
The Hazelton Piano is taking
well and no mistake.

The public has taken us at our word and
we must say that we are more than satstee
with results SO far Many have called, We
know, simply to inspect our warernOm, bu,
Z 'hev came in with that intent they went
iout with far different one. When they
anme again they Will buy a HAZEL1ON
PIANO, with which they seem to be more
than lavorably impressed. There seems t.
be very general impression that all the in-
struments we handle are up to the mark
that is, everybody who comes to see us so
expresses himself.
But while the many have come to look
around and admire Our wareroom, there are
more than few who have come to buy, and
buy they dd. Our sales so far have been
beyond our expectations, ard those older in
the business would be surprised if we were
to tell them what we have already accom-
plished. It's not ovr intention to resort to
braggadociO, but we want to let the people
know that we are on deck and that we are
in the business to make money
This week a HAZELTON GRAND went
to the home of one of Philadelphias most
noted musicians and a NEWMAN BROS
ORGAN was purchased by representative
Of one of the best known families in the
city. That's good enough for start, but
we expect to do better than that right aloug
now. We attribute our snccess to two
things: Printers ink and the quality of the
instruments we handle.
Continue to come to US and we'll do as
well by you as we can.
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
BILL NYE AS A PLAYWR,ear.
he Describes a New Opera of which He
Is tho Author.

HAVE just re-
turned from a pri
vate rehearsal Of a
ne W operetta Of
which l am the
author, and hasten
to write a fair, hon
est criticism Of it
for the press. In
this criticism /
shall try to be per-
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

Tor this chorus. Get
these children Sc
cured in advance
and all their par
snts will come to
zee how the child
rem look on the
stage. l thought
Of this myself.
A beautiful So
prano now comes
IN, accompanied
by her voice, and
wonders where
Felix is. She de-
sides to sing a small
Iong while waiting
'or him. The song
S an arIpeggio with
iatonic scales on
t. It begins low
and huttering, like
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17

and the leader whispers in low voice to the
man who salivates the cornet The snare
drum soloist gets his assortment of drums
into semi-circle, hangs his triangle where
he can get at it, runs his eye over the xyio-
phone, sleigh bells, bird call, picket fence,
bones, castanet, cymbals, Swiss bells and for
tissimo. The leader writes his autograph in
the atmosphere with his stick and the band
goes into committee of the whole with wild
mort A difficult piece then follows. Some
Of the audience are heard to state that thew
wish it had been so difficult that the orchestra
could not have played it.
The curtain now rises, and primary
School of over 500 pupils is seen passing in re-
view across the stage, singing a song of
torty-nine verses, meantime going through a
ystem of calisthenics In making one night
stands with THE Singed Cat" most any
primary school will do with few rehearsais
The Wilmingtonian., 1887-12-17
ioc., 25c., SOC. and $I.oo.
HOME TESTIMONIALS.

Balm whc
W. b. r. "A small
one of the y y Iel4o 2 AZ few Balm cured me-
cod lever had with loss &c
can tell what % % SS sIRs & ever saw td Ed tongue
uned with Asthma
and have 5 @ gave me even temporary relief began Balm
otln all
the curl
h-llos children hHJ
the
Sey-burton B. Deputy Milford WAN 'U' ts'o'efeo ianedi-
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05

ABOUT one hundred boys are studying to
be millonaires in the plumbing class OF the
New York Trade School.
MAYOR EpwiS IL. FILLER was sworn In
as Mayor of Philadelphia yesterday. He
wore yellow rose ia the lapel of his coat.
Mn. JAMES BRowS POTTER arrived IN
New York from southampton on Wednes-
day. lie left England March ~, several
days before Mrs Potter made her debut.
The gossips will have It that Theodore
Titon Is coming back to this country, and
that Mrs. Louise Curtis Bullari, rich New
Yord widow, with whom he became nfatu-
ated abroad, is the attraction.
Mn. ions &. MooRE Of the New York
Stock Exchange firm Of Moore ,S Schley,
has Just returned from trip through the
South more Than ever convinced OF the sub
stantial progress and hopeful promise OF
that section OF the country.
On. HUNTER MAGumE OF Richmond de-.
liyers the annual Grafton this year before
the alumni Of jefferson Medical College,
Philadelphia. He was professor In that
institution when the war broke out and per-
suaded 175 students to leave with him for
the Southern Confederacy. .. ....
THE ARTISTS who are making most money
IN New York now are Z. A. Abbey, with
an annual income Of $4,000 to 10000; G.
S. Reinhart, William Chace, c. j.. Taylor,
| Arthur b. Frost, Harry Fem, Alfred Par
sons aud I. de Thulstrup, all OF whom
make $4,000 to $4,000 year.
AMONG the numerous actors who reside
In Brooklyn the best known are Margaret
Mather, Tom Keene, Fred Warde, Lillian
Olcott, Minnie Madden, William DavIdge,
Cora Tanner, Ada Rehan, Milton Mobiles
John w. Mackay, James A. Hardie, Bllly
Barry, George Edeson and Annie Ward
Tiffany.
| HERE is one OF John &. Saxe's epigrams
this time on an ill-bred lawyer:
| An idle attorney besought a brother
For something to read-''some novel Oh
| other
| That was really fresh and new.m
"Take Chitty," replied his legal friend
"There isn't book that could lend
Would prove more novel to you"
Miss FLORENCE KELLEY, daughter O.
Hon. w. ID. Kelley OF Philadelphia, afte
graduating at Cornell, went abroad t
study political economy at the University
OF Zurich. Remaining there four years
she married Russian medical studen
n0med Nischnewetsky, with whom she ha,
recently returned to this country aud 10
Gated in New YORK. She is a great stu
dent OF social aud economic topics and
forclble writer.
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05
ApRILIs CARMEN,

APRlL1s CARMEN.
Down by q gentle, purling brook,
Where daisies bloom and blow,
Where birds sing all the liyelong day,
And where firenies glow,
There is q slab of marble, white,
A snowdrift trimmed with flowers,
Above an unpretentious grave,
Exposed to April showers.
Beneath the marble and the loan,
A youth is sleeping there,
The deep eternal sleep OF death,
The sleep that knows no care.
There rests he till the final call
Shall make the lifeless clay
And pour into the mouldy gloom
The light Of heavenly day.
How softly In his narrow bed,
lie sleeps away the hours,
In utter dreamlessness, beneath
Ills coverlet Of flowers;
IT'S well that he has found the rest
The grave alone will bring
To restless, wild, poetic souls
lie wrote an "Ode to Spring.
Jay Gould says his money has enslaved
him. We've got an emancipation proclama-
tion he can have for consideration.
Sweetness wasted on the dessert hair
Sugar on pie.
a counting man at the Metropolitan Club
sends In this one:
IT'S good to be careful and wise;
lis good to he honest and true;
IT'S good to be on with the old love,
In case you get on with the new.
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05
LILACs,
over the blossoInlng hedges

over the blossuming hedges
lleGyy with all perfumes,
Swcctly to-day there noateth
The breath Of the lilac pllmos
Dear l. the deepening fragrance.
suhtly the sense II thralls,
Aud full Of n sweet suggestion
Across my heart II fails,
The udor bears me backward
10 the heart OF another May,
When the snowy sprays We're tossing
In the all OF iatctul day
a day when purple splcnd0r
Came flooding "a narrow life,
And the pomp Of lfe's royal pageant
Displaced Its calm with strife.
Never the breath of the lilaCS
Comes with the apple blooms,
But the day of Fate comes with it,
And the old times deep perfumes.
smell the blossoming locusts
That drOopOd above our way,
The spicy mint the sassafras,
All odors OF the May.
And even In the hush of night
The old time with mc seems,
And lilac breath and apple bloom
Are with me in my dreams.
Hattie Tying Griswold, In Brooklyn Maya
zine.
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05

THE Interstate Commerce bill In.
crcascs the receipts of railroads on
communication tickets out of Philadelphia
81 $50 day, or over 100000 a year.
In this item alone Is five per cent.
dividend on $40, 100000, and yet the
railroads opposed the bill. What the
commuters think about 1t will probably
be expressed forclbly, II not politely,
when they have chance to vote for
ConGressmen.
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05

as a souvenir Of tlis great event
handsome silver medal, worth full
dollar of one hundred cents, suitably
inscribed and as bright as the news
paper Of which 1t records the remark
able success. Mr.. G.. w. Turner, the
Wgrids business manager, vonches for
the gcnuincness OF its circulation and
the purity of It's metal
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05

THE recent lecture Of General George
A. Sheridan on "lngersoll, the Modern
Pagan" created so much interest
among orthodox people that there is a
general demand for Its repetition. 1t
is quite likely that an arrangement will
be made by which the eloquent Gen
eral will repeat the lecture at the
National Theatre, Sunday, the nth
ipstnnt
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05
Ss4To THE rupLIc.-undsr the

,>SsaTo THE PUBLIC.-Undsr the
* act of Congress Jan. % 1851. all
buildings 10 fcct high or over arc to be pro-
vidcd with combined stand pipe and ladder
Ere escape. Tho undersigned having made
syecialty of this limo of business for years,
are prepared to erect, at reasonable rates, the
most approved form of this appliance, with
all the latest improvements for safety OF llfo
and property For further Information, plans
COLLINS n CO,
seaf UYt.ttN
The Washington critic., 1887-04-05

WHEN leading Democrats begin to
look into the future of Democracy they
swear because Grover Cleveland isn't
thin enough to see through.