News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-09-01

OOE girl! one must De terribly
homely y to be SO smart. .'-Omaha World.
THE BASE BALL CURVE.
The pitcher had little ball, and it
was white as snow, and where the strik-
er thought it was, that ball it wouldn't
go. It had a sudden inshoot curve, it
had fearful drop, and when the strik-
er wildly struck, that ball it didn't stop.
''Why does the ball fool strikers so 2"
the children all did cry. ''The pitcher
twirls the bali, you know" the teacher
did reply.-Det10jt Free Press.
BUTTONS.
"Where did you get all those but
tons % asked lady-of little boy who
had thousand or more on string.
"Why," was the reply, "don't you
know pa is minister p
eyes, " returned the lady, "but what
has that got to do with it,
Everything" said the boy; "because
he has the sorting of the collection
basket. Tile Epoch.
HE WAS FLATTERED.
In a restaurant frightfully bald Gus
toner has just begun his dinner, when
he suddenly calls the waiter, and points
to hair in the soup.
''Where did that come from?"
cit must be monsieur's."
The customer, evidently very much
fattered, replies:
''No doubt, my good fellow, no doubt. "
-Judge.
THE BEST SHE COULD DO.
Tramp (to woman)-Could you give
me something in the way of OLD clothes,
ma'am? i'm gettin' shabby.
WOman-You're gettin' more than
shabby, but I amt got thing. You
can change coats with the scarecrow
back in the cornfeld if you want to.
That,ill slick you up some, an it's the
best [ kin do
1T LOOKED so.
A New York firm are advertising a
brand of gin they manufacture as
geat cure for all disease. Of course they
publish certificates. One of these says:
'After using six bottles | felt like diff
ferent man." We believe it, for we
know many a one, on far less quantity,
has looked like different man. Gospel
Age.
EVIDENTLY A FRAUD.
''That man is no italian Count" he
whispered ''He's fraud. Watch him
eat his macaroni." "
"What has that got to do with it ?"
"Everything. He cuts it up. If he
were genuine italian nobleman he
would get about half of that macaroni
| twisted around his ears and neck.
IN HARMONY.
| Sam Johnsing, an Austin colored man,
has mule that balks. After Sam had
belabored the mule for an hour the ami
NAL trOtted off all right. ''Dar," said
! Sam confdentially to the mule, ''dar,
yer see. Eff yer would only do what's
right we mout lib tergedder jes like two
| brudders. "-Tegas Sttings.
HIS BIRTHDAY GIFT.
Uncle-So, my dear boy, you haven't
forgotten your uncle's birthday, have
you! You have bought this nice smok-
lng-cap to present me. Thanks, little
nephew. Here's half Il dollar for you.
Little ephew-Boo-ooh-o h-ooh. 1t cost
dollar and half.-Tecas Sittings.
THE SMILE.
In the front parlor, IL p. M:
Ethel-Harry called tonight, papa.
He was too witty for anything and all
smiles.
Papa-Yes; I can smell the smiles
yet.-7oun Topics.
MENTION THE PAPER.
Editor Bill Snort (after kicking a man
down stairs who had called to demand
retraction of something he had read in
Shorts paper)-I say, please mention
what paper you saw it in.-SJtings.
PROMISING YOUTH.
Magistrate Ito Chinaman)- What is
your complaint against this young man,
John?
Chinaman (unable to collect laun-
dry bilD-He too muchee by and by.
SHE DID.
''Ethel, dear" he asked tenderly, "do
you believe in love in Il cottage p
eyes, indeed" she answered enthusi-
astically, "if the cottage is at Long
Branch, or Nyack- e-Hudson.
ODDS AND ENDS.
Go SLOW in this hot weather and spare
the hearse horses.
cred RIVER is so low" says Texas
paper, sit can't get ont of its bed"
On the other hand, here is the Ocmul-
gee so full that it can't be kept in its
bed.
A MOTHER was whipping her boy yes
terday, and as she applied the rod she
shouted, "Will you behave?" "Yes,"
blubbered the throbbing boy, 81 will if
you will. -
A NEAT propo al of marriage was
made by a Yonkers man the other
night, who said: "Now, my dear, you
say you have $50, 900 in your own name,
why not put it in mine p
OUT in Nebraska man invented a
new fly trap-a II blanket saturated with
coal oil-which he hung up in his house
and burned after it was full of flies.
Now he's trying to find the house.
WHEN a man goes into Wall street
and comes out several millions in debt
he is a Napoleon of finance. When
he goes i'll and drops all he owns he
is merely a commonplace, everyday
fool.
AN elderly female in Indiana is telling
the girls that not five men in hundred
are good enough for them to marry.
The girls go right along marrying, how
ever, and every blessed one of 'em
thinks she gets one of those five white
sheep.
A MICHIGAN youth applied for posi-
ton as teacher: 81 hain't got no certifi-
cate from the County Board yet, but [
think [ can pass, as mother has been
questioning me and she thinks So
Please let me hear from you as soon as
you see fit.
The ChiId'S Perception.