Idaho County free press. [volume] (Grangeville, Idaho Territory) 1886-current, 1887-08-26
CATCHING A HUSBAND.
The Troubles of . Married Man, and How
Ho Became One.

- Incidents and Anecdotes OF tho Civil
War" Admiral Porter relates that while
ascending the Mississippi to join Farra-
gut before Vicksburg, he was frequently
fired upon from the shore.
On one OCCASION, after having been
shelled from the bank. and wishing to
learn the name OF tho place and other
details, he captured two men who were
crossing the river in n dugout. They
were coarsely dressed In linsey- wooscy,
wore SLOUGH hats, and had the appearance
OF laborerS.
They admitted having lived all their
lives in Connecticut. and to have only
come to tho South two yetirs before.
They were, however, btaunch "Sescsh."
After considerable conversation Admiral
Porter said:
And do you mean to tell mo that
you two gentlemen, after living in your
native State twenty-ninc and twenty
seven years respectively, after forming
the dearest ties and associations. can
come South. and in two short years be
won over by these people--one OF you by
hiring his cart. the 9th or forI don't know
+, WHAT
wall, Kurnell" said Mr.. Potter, "you
talk burned we'll, but Nil them lifalut!n'
words Is wasted on me; II you had mar
ried q wildcat wilder, with u wildcat dar-
ter sixteen years old. an jeff Davis n
backin' on 'em up, you wouldn't q stood
out an hour. / stuck 1t out for three
days an nights. q sittih' out in the rain,
before became Confed'rit"
"Yes," interrupted Mr.. Opdykc. 'the
ole woman KEEP double-barrcl gun
handy for him, an say She Jake, don't
you move till you're ready to become
In your dam Yankee carcase"
'And what made you surrender, Mr..
Potter" inquired.
why" replied that worthy, "when Zeke
he come over to fetch me some whisky.
my ole woman she rum out and smashed
the bottle over Zeke's head, an then,
when was most starved an begged for
suthin' to eat, she sent me bowl O. hot
water with chicken feather In 1t.
Thar says she, that ERE chicken soup
Is all git till you hist the Confed'rit
flag So / had to cave in. Zeke can tell
you what went through with; you
wouldn't have stood 1t half day, Kurnel.
know 1t by the cut Of your jib."
On being asked how he came to marry
such a woman, Mr. Potter professed his
inability to rehearse the narrowing tale
unless he had "a drink Of whisky" Some
vinegar bitters" being ordered for him.
which the newly-fe1ged Confederate
characterized as ''real ole Union, an no
IulSLukc, IOItcI PULL pTclclIct tIistu
his comrade, "Zeke,' should tell the
story.
Yes, said his friend, 'just as soon as
get mouthful of them bitters to sustain
me while / relate that melancholy
story ov your marryih' that burned al
ligator, as goes cavortin' round the house
ms II she owned all the guaner islands In
the Pacific Ocean.
Well, you must know, Kurnel, me
an Jake was hired hands on Mrs. Rump-
kins's place. We was hired tho day ole
Pumpkins died to help handle the coffin,
an two weeks arter hearin that girl
of hers say Ma, I'm tired totin' wood
an feedin' the COW, an we must have o
man ter do it.
- Well,'t said Mrs Pumpkins, hahn
we got two men? Make one of 'em tot,
wood: they kin do 1t when they comes te
their meals
- I asked ono Of en- said Belle, 'an
he tole me he'd see me durncd first. W,
don't want that kind OF man. ma
we want q married man. We can q,
as we please with a good-naterod fellel
like old pop. who can't get away ii ",
crowd him. You M, st marry Jake O
Zeke. II you don't l Will, an I'd like t.
hear him say then he'll see me durne,
drst.'
You're crazy, Belle, says the ole
catamount. Your pops only dead tw,
weeks. an you want me TO marry aSn.'
Well, then says Belle saw rhre.
weeks, an bring him TO the halter. for
amt a goin'i to tote wood, nor feed II,
more COW arter that.
Well, agree to that, says old Mrs
Pumpkins. !
- Cos II yon don't says Belle, n
( marry one on EN- myself, an we'll SO,
whose mistress then.
II wish you could a seen how Mrs
Pumpkins laid out her lines. You seen 2
cat watchin' canary bird amt YOU
how the critter crawlS up and purs soft
rs Jews harp. an then YOU seen Tn,
little bird jumpin' round all in a twtlrr
an how at last, when the canary cline-
With Its claws to the wires of it's Gaze
Mrs. Cat grabs him. an he's a goner.
That's the way NJ IS. Pumpkins done
Says she. Belle, I'll tnke Jake. don,
like that other Teller; he eats too much
an I'll get rid of him So she piled II
sweet on Jake until he didn't know his
alphabet from the multiplication table
an then she lassooed him. You seen EN-
catch cattle in Texas! They have a long
lariat, an throw 1t over the critters
horns. goin' full split, and bring him M
all standin'. Now Mrs. Rurnplns uses
her long oily tongue for a Iariat m SC
wound IL round Poor Jake hes couldn't q
tole who he was then. when he was uuicj
as an ole horse with cart-lode OF bricks
behind him. she marches him off te
Squire Spankers Office.
- Here, Squire, says she, SIS a mar
wot owes me reparation, an I'll pay tn,
~ 1ur the marriage ceremony, an here's
the same ring as poor, dear Pumpkins
put on my finger, an Ill use it agin
This ere Teller is Yak, an want hin
to see that he can't come down here an
win the affections of a lone wilder. an
then go Off an larf at her $50
- Well, sir. says the,'Squire to Jake
what have you got to say to these her,
0harges? -
Is. Dunno, says jake
- Well then, stan up an be married
or else be drafted into the Confed' rit
army, says the Squire. So they was
married then an there, an the wilde,
TUX his arm an toted him home. an. saw,
she: Now, Jake, afore you get a bit O
weddin cake tote in the wood for tn,