The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1887-06-23

FUNNY SYMPOSIUM.
SWEET AND SOUR.
There's nothing like pretty lass
With charming golden hair;
There's nothing worse than her when mad
And crosser than bear.
or COURSE NOT.
Ia body kiss body
Need Z body cry.
Well, hardly, II Some other body
Isn't standing by.
THAT'LL DO, SIR!
Mother. why do they call girl a
bride when she gets married." BE
cause that's the right name for her then
l suppose?" I'll bet know" Well.
why?' .'Causc bride is took from
bride, and they call her that cause
then is when she begins to put the
bride on her husband-or halter
dunno which. Mebby she ought to be
called halt, cause she puts halter
on him. Was it bride or halter you
put on pap?' ..That'll do, sir"
| HEATHEN IN INDIA.
Upin . neighboring town . few years
ago good deacon on his way to church
one Sunday morning crossed the culvert
over a well-known trout brook just as
a young man emerged from the alders,
fishpole in hand, and with goodly
string of beauties. He was not over
and above intelligent, SO the deacon
drew rein on his horse and said solemn
ly:
Charles. do you know who saw you
catch those trout this holy Sabbath
morning.
mo, deacon. 'twan't Henry Ferris,
was it?''
Charles, the Lord saw YOU"
wall. wall, deacon, you kinder
scarf me when you first spoke. don't
care about the Lord. but 'twOuldn't do
for Henry to see me, cause I've hired
out to him for hayin. and he'd git
somebody else If he knew 60 troutin'
Sunday"
The deacon drove on. and made 4
powerful plea in the missionary con-
cert of the Sunday-school for the poor
heathen in India.-Concord Monitor
MONOPOLY.
Il say, pa, what is monopoly
inquired young hopeful. "A mono
poly, my son, is sort of scheme
whereby man has all there is and
nobody else has anything" Then
you are the biggest monopolist in these
parts. You took the last piece Of pie
there was on the table,
BETTER THAN DYING.
She was coxily intrenc he'd uEcn hi
shoulder, and they were very. very
happy. George she whispered, and
he bent his head to listen. lido you
knew what would do il your love for
me should cool?' ..Would you die,
dear?' he asked passionately. mo
George; would bring suit for breach
Of promise"
THEY HAVE TO HAVE EN-.
A countryman stopped in front Of a
store, attracted by line of baby car
riages. ..How much might one of them
be?' he said to a clerk. ..The cheapest
is fifteen dollars. sir" '.Fitbeen dol
lars!' he exclaimed. ..Why, Great
Scott, mister, it only cost me two dol
lars to git married.
4 TOO TRUE.
..Why haven't = 6OO-acre farm a
well Us that man riding by in his car
riage?" yelled a red-nosed Anarchist
orator, as he glared at the crowd.
Because he saved 5000 and bought
his farm when it cost him 81 an acre,
and you poured your 5000 down your
throat!' responded man on the bach
seat, and the orator asked no more con.
undrums.
FULL TOO.
She-How glorious the fresh breeze
fills the sails, Mr.. de Salt. He-Yara
the sails are FULL She-And how re
splendent the moon is. Mr.. de Salt:
He-Ya-as-th moon full. She (get
ting tircd)-Ah. do you know wher.
the Captain is, Mr.. de Salt? HER
ya-as, below. He's full, too.
ATTENTIVE LISTENERS.
..Why is it, said husband TO hi,
wife, ..that married women, as a rule
are such terrible gossipers?" ..Becaus,
they find such attentive listeners il
their husbands, replied the lady easily
A TERRIBLE REVENGE.
j, Gray-.Smith insulted ME SO terri
bly, today that | feel mad enough to xii
him."
Green-..What's the matter?"
Gray-..Nothing. A mere matter 0
$40 have owed him for a couple Q
! years or 50. The mean fellow that he
has called me 4 swindler and scound
rel and 4 great many other names.
Greenland you feel mad cnoug
|; to kill him?''
Gray--..I do.
Green-.Then do it. Pay him hi
: $40, and the surprise will kill him"
Boston Courier.
i THE EVER GREEN SHORE.
! Preston (Minn.) Republican: Thos
! who ate dinner at the 'ribbcts Hous
Q Sunday will never forget the deliciou
t strawberry shortcake served by Mis-
r Nellie Ward. Her friends ask nOthin
:, more than to meet her on that eve
h green shore with cake equally q
s good.
SIZE WAS EOUAI To HIM