The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-04-01
Bill Nye and Big Hats.

Bill Nye and Big Hats.
The late Shakespeare once wrote
in an autograph album these words:
GAN the worlds a stage.
Sincerely your friend,
VIM. SHAKESPEARE.
Perhaps he meant that there were
flies on it-but we will not under take
to enter this field of thought. How.
ever, to speak in more serious way,
and treating the subject in more dig
nified way, / will state that after
number of years scrutiny of the world,
l am convinced that the great bard
used this expression in figurative
sense only. Could he pick up his pen
to-day, he would either erase the above
line, or add to it 80 that it would read
"All the worlds stage, and nobody but
the woman in the high hat can see what is
going on upon it. Yours bitterly. BILL"
1t is not new field but desire in
my poor, weak way to add my testi-
mony to the testimony of those who
have sat down on said hat. / feel of a
truth-occasion this high hat
is making an old man of me, and draw
ing lines of care here and there over
my fair, young face Here at a time
of life when ought to be in the full
flush and pride of manhood, find my.
self no longer able to build the fire in
the morning, and my breath, which
was once as robus. as the upas tree,
now comes in short pants.
The tall hat with wad of timothy
or FIVE pound pompon at the apex
thereof, has brought this about. How
would man look, who might sit in
the bald-headed row, wearing a joint
of stovepipe on his head, trimmed with
hay? Has it not been the custom for
years to place bald headed men on the
front row, be cause they offered no OBJ
struction TO the vision.
And now what do we see?
We do not see anything!
will leave 1t to any disiuterested
person to say whether l do not love
and admire women, whether aggre-
gated or segregated, but size does do
some things which as her friend aud
admirer deeply regret.
Not long ago had the pleasure of
attending one of Mr.. Booths perform.
ances in which he took the part Of
Hamlet with great credit to himself,
as afterward learned from a member
of the orchestra who saw the whole
performance.
paid large price a week before
hand for seat at the Hamlet perform
ance, because had met Mr.. Booth
once in the Rocky Mountains and had
made a deep impression on him. l
had also told him that if he ever hap
pened to be IN town where | was
lecturing l would dismiss my audience
to come and hear him, and he might
do as he thought best about shutting
up on the following night to come and
hear me.
Well, l noticed at first, when l went
in, that the row before me was unoc-
cupied, and gathered myself up in a
strong, manly embrace aud hugged
myself with joy. The curtain bumped
itself, and the first act was about in the
act of producing itself, when a meek
little gentleman, with an air of con-
scious guilt, came down the isle in ad-
vance of a woman's excursion, consist
irg of four female members of his
family, l judged. He looked about
over the house, e,timidly took off his coat
and seemed to be preparing himself for
the vigilance committee. Then he sat
down TO see whether executive elem
ency could do anything for him.
The first woman of the four was
probably over forty, and yet with her
almost beardless face she looked scarce
ly thirty eight. She wore tall, erect
hat, with short plume in it, made by
pulling the paint-brush tail out of an
iron-gray mule and dying it q deep
crimson.
She wore other clothing, but that
did not incense me so much as this hat
which had to examine critically all
the evening.
She moved her head also, aud kept
time To the music, and breathed hard
in places, and shuddered once or twice
She also spoke to the miserable man
who brought her. Her voice was a
rich baritone, with a low xylophone
action, and she breathed like the pas
sionate exhaust of an overworked
freight engine. When she syoke to
her escort noticed that he shortened
up about four inches and seemed to
wish he had never entered society.
The other 8 women had broad hats
with domes to them, and the one who
sat on my right also sat on her foot
This gave her fine opportunity to
look out through the skylight of the
opera house now and then. The next
one to her wore her deceased Plymouth
Rock rooster in her hat. The fourth
one sat in front OF an oldish gentleman
who went out between the acts and
came in with picked olive in his
mouth each time. He could not see
anything on the stage, but he crawled
up under the brim of this woman's hat
with his nose In the meshes of her hair
and his hot, local option breath in her
neck, patiently trying to see.
If you will continue in your excel
lent paper to sit down on the tall hats
l will get you number of subscribers
here. = Bill Nye, IN Neo Yorh
World.
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/ IL =