The Monitor. [volume] (Woodstown, N.J.) 1884-1892, 1887-02-04
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Lucrett0 WcID0na6tey-1. Celiuloid is
made mostly of ingredients. Take about
equal parts of ingredients and foreign sub
stances and unite them at given tempera-
ture and they will harden under certain
pressure so that they will become celluloid.
The process I dare say, is less complex
than You had at first supposed
Celluloid is used in the construction of
various articles of trade, such as combs,
knife-handles, billiard balls, poker chips,
etc, etc.. but it has distinguished itself
more in late years in the collar-and- cuff
line than elsewhere. The celluloid collar of
commerce has a tired and tme-stained hue
even in youth, and in age it is sicklied DER
with the pale east of thought.
] am now engaged in pc rfecting cell
luloid garment, to consist of pair of cuffs
to be fastened inside the sleeve of the coat
in such manner as to be independent of
the Endorsement of the shirt. A standing
collar with a Rhine stone button and buck
skin scarf, so made as to spring around the
neck as set forth in designs accompanying
application for patent, and held down by
weights in such a manner as to prevent the
collar from climbing over head, will be
used at the same time. Both collars and
cuffs will be made with buttonholes, so
that a shirt may be buttoned on while in
use-if it can be borrowed. These gar
ments will be worn by American authors
in case an international copyright law
should be deemed inadvisable. European
authors will have to economic also, but
whether they will squander their royalty
on such gaudy trappings as collars and
bread remains to be seen. A literary friend
of mine, writing from England, says that
unless speedy justice is done to authors on
after will consist of small haversack of
snuff to throw in the eyes of the police.
But forgot, Lucreta, that you were not
nquisitiye about celluloid only.
9 You can bleach yonr hair by exposing
it to the night air You may also produce
the same effect by getting yourself scared
to death. These things may be carried to
excess, however.
3 Pare it down as much as you dare to
and then put on few drops of kerosene.
julius Aqudafum-I cannot write weekly
for your Good Templars' lodge paper, the
Tin Dipper. | would be tickled to death
to do so if my family could be filled up
three times day with prohibition, but in
the home circle over which | have the
honor to preside the gastric juice turns up
its nose at prohibitory measures in place
of ground feed.
do not feel above writing for the Tin
Dtpper, but on behalf of the Nye nsophe-
gas, cardiac orifice, denodenam, illeum,
and .jejumm, | must decline.
Please state to the Hydraulic Pressure
Lodge, No. 1873, that it is not pride that
prevents my becoming regular contribu
tor to the Tin Dipper, but common ap-
petite for vctuals in heated state.
FManciea-Y on ask how money is made
most rapidly, and how most suddenly to
acquire the same. In coming to the writer
of this paragraph for information you have
done WELL Had you gone to the devil you
would have done better, however.
Money is most rapidly made in the United
States minis at Philadelphia, San Francis
co, New Orleans, and Denver. The quick
est way to acquire this wealth would be to
take long, stiff crowbar, two-bushel
bag of dynamite, and a stern resolve, so
to the mint in Philadelphia while the
Waterman is in Europe, pry open the door
with the crowbar and dynamite, using care
to close the door after you, so that you will
not take cold while counting the money
take what you absolutely need, and go
away. In going away do not leave your
brains or other portions of your system on
the floor. In the United States mint great
attention is paid to cleanliness, and even if
your brains are of no use to yourself do
not leave them in the way for other people
to step over and fall down upon.
Physical W'reck-You can hardly take the
ruby color out of your nose in the way you
suggest. The man who charged you S25
for bleaching your nose and then went
away, leaving your inilamed snout inserted
in a large plaster cast, was no gentleman,
and | would be willing to have yOu tell
him so on your own responsibility. can
not hold out any glttering promises to
you, P. Wreck, as regards the ultimate
fading of your nose. 1t may fade, but you
will, no doubt, fade with it. 1t will not
grow pale in time for you to marry again.
My advice, for which charge nothing,
simply appropriating the three virgin
stamps you inclosed, is to so live that when
You come TO die you will not be ashamed
to let st. Peter smell of your breath.
Farewell, Physical Wreck. Let your
nose be a lighthouse to the growing youth
OF our land. Do not put it under a
bushel, but let it be trimmed and burning.
Do not hide it behind the thick glass bot
tom of beer mug, but keep it out in the
open air where the school children can
look with shndder on the parboiled,
hand painted holocaust which God gave
Won to smell with.-BW Nye.
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