Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1887-10-15

Monkeys and bears are now held by
/ the Corporation Counsel to be OBJ
nOXious animals In this city, writes
/ Bill Nye In the New York World, and
/ orders have been issued to queu them
/ wherever found Every effort is being
/ put forth to extend the limits of human
/ life here and to enforce the game
I laws IN every instance. Monkeys are q
/ luxury anyway, and bears are un-
| satisfactory to a great degree. No one
| ever knows just how to take a bear, and
that IS why so many people do not
make the effort.
The theory that music should in all
| cases be accompanied by a restless
monkey with his tail extending through
| the seat of his TantalOons, is entirely
| erroneous, and it is gratifying to know
that this NANCY and oVerestimated son
Of song can not 60 about New York as
| sessing people with a high hand any
more without violating the law.
The common American bear is also
/ a pest. and a thickly settled community
/ like New York ought to hold out every
inducement for Wiping him out. If
| the country would offer a bounty for
| every bear killed outside Of Wall street
it would be a good thing. I never feel
my unWOrthiness so much anywhere
else as do In the presence Of a loose
bear. 1 never appear at my best IN
! the presence of a bear. Once / met
one at the foot of Sheep Mountain
years ago, and L know he must have
formed a poor opinion Of me, for he
did not see my best side.
Tame bears make good pets and gen
orally Outlive from four to six owners.
A German restaurant-keeper by the
name of Fischer, at Laramie City,
| W. T., once owned a pet bear, which
he called William. William would
frequently come and eat out of Mr..
i ischer's hand, and he endeared him
self to one and all for several years.
But one day the relations between Mr..
Fischer and William became strained,
and after eating. out of his masters
hand for a little while, he decided to
top off with the hand. Bears can
never hope to get ahead so long as they
live from hand to mouth that way.
Bears will not only resent an injury
but they VIII also resent anything else
that they can get hold Of There are
three ways of meeting an Infatuated
bear. One is to look at him in a re-
prOachful way till he feels ashamed Of
himself and goes away to live it down.
Another Is to beat him into insensibility
with the clinched hand, and still an
other is to place one of your coat-tails
in his mouth and lead him so far away
from his home that he can not find his
way back. You can then dispatch him
at your leisure. Bears multiply rap
idly and are also quick in subtraction.
If the police carry out strictly the new
rule regarding monkeys and bears an
unarmed man can go from Central p ark
to the Battery without an escort.
The rule viii not affect music gener-
ally throughout the city. The man
with the portable piano viii still @the
affrighted air with a shudder bore, " to
use the language of the poet in a new
way. The fOrtissimO gentleman who
whistles for a livelihood at Pier 6, at
so much per strain, viii probably com
plete his summer engagement also.
The strOlling minstrel who plays the
flute with his nose, and the deaf old
lady near Bryant Park who has made a
large fortune with a hand-organ be-
/ cause it does not make any noise and
she is too deaf to know about it, will
| both go ahead with their good work,
! but monkeys and bears viii please keep
of the grass.
On second thought, it might not be
best to give a bounty for the scalps OF
| bears here, for it would open the way
| for abuses Of various kinds. A bounty
/ of 50 was offered for every bears nose
/ brought to the Register of Deeds
/ Office IN certain county in New En-
/ gland a few years ago, and the Treas
I urer paid out j, 500, it is said, for bear
shouts, which he now finds are made
| of vulcanized rubber.
A schOOlmate OF mine is now en-
! crossed on a three years contract, at
| the Oliet Henitentiary, in Illinois, for
/ buying wolf scalps in Montana, where
| wolf scalps are within the reach of all.
/ and bringing them into Illinois, where
| there was more Of a demand and better
/ rates. And still it Is held that inter
state commerce Is going to help all
| kinds of business.
But the law to suppress bears here
viii be productive of great good. They
have never been Of any use according
to history, except when Elijah fed a
| whole primary school to these animals
| for speaking disrespectfully of his
! badness, and even that has been Sc
verely criticised by other bald-headed
men since.
don't think 1 could ever win the
| affection of a bear so that he would re-
| member me after 1 was gone. The
| affections of a bear are not lasting. He
| may IKE man Tor few moments but
after he has eaten his features OFF and
the mans beauty is therefore marred,
the bear seeks out a new face.
am glad it is not customary to call
out a bear every time any one said
something rejecting on a baId-headed
man, for if they did so now the gen
tlemen who sit on the front row at the
Fall of Babylon" would keep a
/ menagerie pretty busy this summer.
/ That is the reason we have decided to