News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-02-17
| A BATCH OF STRAY JOKES
GATHERED IN FROM ALL QUAR-
TIERS FOR ONE TO SMILE OVER.
Loved America-An Unyarying Trade Mark
Il Grease Spot Left-An Engiishman's
Lrtters-sccret Society Crank-Odds nnd
Ends, ETC., Etc.

| a Grease Spot Left-An EngiishmHn':
| Lrtters-Sccret ocieGy Crank-Odds nnC
| Ends, Etc, Etc.
HOW THEY DECIDE.
Man who had applied for position Al
express messenger on railway Ito man
| ager) -"SuppOse l am robbed 2"
Manager Well, you must take your
| chances"
and if am robbed I will, of course,
be accused of standing in with the rob
bers 2'
''Yes, and will be arrested, unless you
have beforehand taken the precaution q
showing your innocence.
How can do that ~
''By allowing the robber to kill you.
You see, if man is not killed, we sus-
pect him."
"Suppose l am only wounded p
"Well, if you are mortally wounded,
we will believe your statement, but if
you get well we will arrest you.
TRADE MARKS.
American Wife Gn a palace carl
supposed that nice-looking couple at the
other end of the car were Americans,
but l see now they are English.
American Husband-What have you
noticed
American Wife The man drinks
liquor at his meals.
At the ther end:
English Wife, wish we could make
| the acquaintance of those two the
farther end of the carriage. l am sure
they are English.
Eng ish Husband-No, they are Amer
leans.
How did ou asc rtain !''
"The man drinks between meals. -
Omaha World.
IN LOVE WITH AMERICA.
Mrs. Society-I suppose you never
hear of your daughter, who eloped with
that young bricklayer 2
Mrs. Oldfam-Yes, he has got rich,
and they are living in New York in fine
style.
"That is 4 comfort, certainly. Has
the foreign n bleman, who married your
other daughter, returned to his castles
yet 2"
''Oh, no! He is just in love with
America, and says he woaldn't think of
going back 10 Europe"
''Indeed W, ere have they been
during the last three or four years %
Visiting with the bricklaye' -
Omaha World.
A GREASE SPOT.
Agent Selling preraration for remov-
ing stains from clothin 9)-'I have got
here"
Servant (who responds to the agents
ring) g)-"Excuse me, please; but we are
in areat trouble here, to-day The gen
tleman of the house has been blown up
in an explosion"
Ala, hurt much p
S.-''BlOwn to atoms. Only a grease
| spot left of him"
A=stHal only grease snot VOL
say u ell, here's n bottle of my cnIm
pi0n eradicator, which will remove that
| grease spot in about two minutes. j.
Charleston (liass.) Enterprise.
OLD FAMILIES.
Gothamite Living in Golden City,
eh p
Western man-"Yes, and I find the
western climate delightful"
Glow do you like the people !'
''Well, the fact is, ha only been
there two years, and have not been able
to get into the best society yet; there is
so much of the old family caste there,
you know ~
"There is ~
ooh, yes, some of the people have
been there six years"
HIS LETTERS.
A good story is told of prominent
business man, who is an Eugis man by
birth. His name begins with H, and
every day he would 60 to the postoffice
and ask if there was any mail for him.
He always got the same reply, until one
day he showed his head through the de-
livery window and yelled:
"Man, what are you looking in the
Hay box for? My name begins with
Hatch"
He got his letters after that.
THE SECRET SOCIETY CRANK.
Wife -"Going to a lodge meeting
again, tonight ?"
Husband-"Yes, my dear"
"You have been to lodge meeting
every night this week. Can't join
some of those lodges ~
"It's out of the question. Why do
you want to join mems secret soci-
ETY. p
"Well. you see, that is my only
chance to spend an evening in your So
ciety.
AT AN AUSTIN RESTAURANT,
Hostetter McGinnis-'This beefsteak
is fearful tough"
Kosciusko Muir. hy-"Ihe toughest l
ever saw"
81 don't believe it's beef at all.
"What do you suppose it is 2"
''It's piece of some old broken down
horse"
.'H's tougher than horse flesh. 1
think it must be a piece of an old,
broken down veloctpede. "-Isras SUt.
ings.
LOOKING THE PART.
Young Man Ito Western young LADY,:
''Xaas, I'm a member of the Hare and
Hounds Club, Y know. At last meet
was one the hares
Western Young Lady: "What do
you mean by hare, Mr.. Sissy p
Young Man: "They are call d lab
bits in this country, [ believe
Western Young Lady: ooh, yes,
tho sweet little animals with long
ears. How nice!
THE QUEER WINTER OF 1886-87.
Spriggins: How are things moving
down in Georgia
higgins: We are trying to get up
some sort of celebration at Macon,
this month, so as to fill the city with
strangers.
Spriggins: En- that's a good idea.
What form will it take
higgins: Well we can't decide yet,
whether to try n summer carnival or an
ice palace.
WHO WAS BOSS.
Mr.. stiggins (his friends had brought
him home from the club in highly IN
ebriatcd condition. "BOyze, come IN
wiz me an get ell (hic) drink. 1hlsh
my house. IN boss thic) here"
Mrs. Stiggins from the window
'Please leave the boss on the steps,
gentlemen, and I'll come down and
fetch him in. - Telas Syt&lgs.
THE KIND TO GET.
Gentleman Cto toy dealer). Il want
to ct bank of some kind for my little
boy to keep his pennies in"
Toy Dealer. ''Ges, sir; something
that The pennies will slip out from easily,
I suppose, in case of an emerge icy =
II TIE AWKWARD SQUAD.
Instructor: That's hardly the posi-
- Il ~