The true northerner., 1887-01-19
BILL NYE On PULLMAN CAR
ETIQUETTE.

Many people have travelled all their
lives, and yet do not know how to be-
have themselves while on the road.
For the benefit and guidance of such,
these few, plain, horse-sense rules of
etiquette have been framed to be used
during the present season.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn to
the right on discovering an approach
ing train. If you desire to have the
train turn out for you, give two loud
toots, but it will be safer to get in be-
tween the rails and squat so that in
case the train should not have time to
turn out for you, the right of
way will not be so badly mussed
up. Many nice new right-of way has
been ruined by getting a pedestrian
spattered all over its first mortgage.
On retiring at night, on board the
train, do not leave your new teeth IN
the ice-water tank If every one should
do so it would occasion great confusion
In case of wreck. 1t would also cause
much annoyance and delay to Gabriel
during the resurrection. Put your
teeth where they will be near your re-
mains, unless you desire to gum it all
Through eternity.
Experienced tourists tie string to
their teeth and then wear them all
night. Do no not leave them with
your shoes for the porter to
brush in the morning. According 10
a recent ruling of the Supreme
Court, the porter of Pullman car
running through any State, over the
line of a solvent road, may not be COM
PEELED, by certi0rdri or otherwise, to
brush the store teeth of tourists travel
ing on pass.
If you have been reared in extreme
poverty, and your mother lras support
ed you until you grew up and married,
so that your wife could then support
you, you will no doubt sit on four seats
at the same time, with your feet ex-
tended into the aisles, so that you can
wipe them off on other people while
you snore with your mouth open clear
to your shoulder blades.
If you are prone to drop asleep and
breathe with a low death-rattle, like
the last low gurgle of bath-tub, it
would be a good plan to tie up your
head in feather-bed, and then insert
the whole thing in the linen closet; or,
if you cannot secure that, you might
stick it out of the window and get it
knocked off against tunnel. 1t would
be rough on the tunnel, but you could
do it ins such a way that the general
superintendent wouldn't know whose
head it was, and then you would be all
right.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while ia q
beastly state of intoxication.
In the dining-car, while eating, do
not comb your mustache with the fork.
BY all means, do not comb
your mustache with the fork of
another. 1t is better to refrain alto
gether from combing the mustache with
fork while travelling, for the motion
of the train might jab the fork into
your eye and irritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and you
do not discover it until you have burned
the rafters out of the roof of your
mouth, do not utter wild yell of
agony and spill your coffee all over n
total stranger, but control yourself,
hoping to know more next time.
In the morning is good tine to
find out how many people have sue
ceeded in getting on the passenger
train who ought to be in the cattle car.
Generally you will find one male and
one female. The male goes into the
wash room, bathes his WORTHLESS carcass
from daylight until breakfast time,
walking on the feet of any man who
tries to wash his own face during that
time. He wipes his face and hands on
nine different towels, because he knows
that when he gets home he will have to
wipe his nose on an old door mat. Peo-
pie who have no towels at home want
a new one every ten minutes when they
travel. Tourists who been reared on
hay at home all their lives, generally
want to fill themselves full of pie and
collie when they go abroad.
The female of this same animal
goes into the ladies' department and
primps till starvation drives her out.
Then the real ladies have about thir-
teen seconds in which to dress.
If you never rode in q vanished car
before, and never expect to again, you
will probably roam up and down the
car, meandering over the feet of the
porter while he is making up the berths
This is a good way to let people see
just how little sense you had left after
your brain began to soften.
In travelling do not take along lot
of old clothes that you know you will
never wear.
Never walk through car staring ev-
erybody out of countenance like a dol
lar-store detective hunting for Jesse
James year after he was dead, but
attend to your own business and keep
quiet, and you may fool some one on
the trip.
A Perishable Cargo.
L