Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-09-04
THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
FIRMLY RESOLVED TO STICK TIGHT TO
GOODNESS.
The Thirteenth Dastardly Attempt 10 Destroy Para
disc Hall--Bruthsr Gardner Produces Good Ad-
vice by the Yard.
Detroit Free Press.

stroy PARADISE Hall was revealed at 5
o'clock Saturday evening" when the ianitor
arrived to place the hall in order for the
usual meeting Ever since the attempt
last October bear-traps and spring guns
have been set ut every door and window
when the hall was closed, and this fact
was generally known to the public The
human hyena, who had resolved in his
own mind to destroy the headquarters OF
the club, procured ladder, mounted to
root, and then cut hole and descended
alongside Of chimney. In this way he
thought to escape all dangers prepared for
him, and he no doubt chuckled with fiend-
ish glee as he dropped down into the
library. His first move was to demolish
the bust Of Cicero. This was one of fhe
first busts donated to the club and has re-
presented Horace Greeley, Napoleon Bona
parte, Franklin Pierce, George Washing
ton and several other distinguished men
by turns. The william seized crowbar
standing in a corner of the library and de-
molished the bust at one awful sweep. He
then started for the club safe, doubtless in
tending to drive the crowbar through and
through it, and then vengeance overlook
him. AS he stepped into the passage be-
hind the secretary's desk a bear trap
awaited his coming with yawning Jaws
and clasbing teeth. What occurred is par
TALLY o matter of guesswork. The trap
was found sprung, and in its jaws was
hcn ,to 1a1
thence to the ante-room, and there the
bastard had raised window and leaped
down on the roof of the grocery and escaped
to the ground. The occurrence probably
took place Friday night, as the policeman
on the beat remembers Of hearing a loud,
long shrek about IL o'clock. 1t sounded
to him like the voice of strong man
about to give up the fight for his life, and
though he investigated the neighberhood
he was made no wiser. How the villain
suffered he wrung his hands and
vowed to live better life hereafter--how
the sweat Of agony stood out on his fore
head aud his eyes grew fercely wild--can
be imagined by any one who has visited
the scene.
1t is supposed that he had "pal' in
the alley, and that this man finally came
to his relief, and pried the trap open far
enough to permit the foot to be pulled out
of the boot. As soon as the meeting was
called to order the Janitor reported the
case, accompanied by war map, and
Brother Gardner arose and said
My frens, dis incident furnishes me wild
an opportunity to address you on de sub
jick of Goodness VS.. Badness. II, when q
baby was three days ole, he could reason
an calkilate, he would reason as follows:
'Heah | ar, sound, healthy boy wild a
big show Of CROWN up to manhood. De
more kick an yell an misbehave dOorin'
my infancy de mo- spankin's I'll receive.
DE better mind an de gooder ! ar as a
boy de easier will | slip along. AS ayOung
man shall he upright an benest As a
middle aged man shall act on de squar'.
As an ole man l shall quit chawin' plug
tobacker, read up on de Bible an 20 to
bed airly.
"Wickedness doan' pay, fgger il up as
you will. We hev had many instances of
it in dis club, an we ar surrounded wild
'em at home. When Whalebone Howker
stole wheelbarrer belongin' to Pickles
Smith he at fdst rejoced an was glad
He felt dat he was 81 ahead OF de game,
and he poked hisselfin de ribs fur smart
man. Howsumeber, he hadn't had dat
stolen vehickle in his posseshun two hours
when his game rooster died, de dog-catcher
picked up his dog, an a man who owed
him $4 went into bankruptcy. He could
figger dat he was s. ont of pocket, an den
Pickles foun' out who stole his wheelbar-
row an cum ober an licked Whalebone
widin' an inch of his life besides.
Take de case of Bermuder Jones who
Ibis mex doah to Condensed Cunningham.
Bermuder sot down wild a piece of chalk an
figured up dat wickedness paid 200 per
cent an he went ober to de grocery, backed
up agin cracker bar'l an while he in
GAGGED de grocer in a religus discussion
wild one hand he filled bis hind pockt wild
crackers wild de odder. He started out of
dat grocery feelin' dat he was seben cents
ahead an still gainin', but what was de
result? A small boy who was in dar to
buy cents WORT of taffy seed de hull per
Torrance and told de grocer. Bermuder
was followed home, knocked down in his
own kitchen an made to give up de TO-
cane-seated cheers in his parlor to settle de
case. Did he profit by his badness? Did
he make any 200 per cent on dat?
"Agin, take de case Of Kurnel Keffing-
we'll kabar. had six leghorn hens in my
coop, an he coveted 'em. Instead of comm
to me in frank, honest way an offerin'
to buy dose hens at der value an gibin'
me his note due in thirty days, he steals
upon my coop in the gloom Of midnight
an forcibly captivates my poulty. He
chuckled to hisself ober his smartness an
he figgered up his 200 per cent profit, but
Nemesis war on his trail He left one OF
de ole blue patches on his pants on nail
in de coop, an when | found my hens
gone | walked ober to his humble cabin
an took him by de neck an drawed him
out O. doors Some of you hev probably
heard dat he went into decline soon arter
dat, an dat when de post-mortem was held
three of his ribs war found stickin' out OF
his back.
81 hev figgered on goodness an badness
an tell you dat badness doan' pay. Some
of YOU may hev lifted ham at de co'ner
grocery widout bein' caugnt at it, but yet
how did you feel when you met police
man, or when a strange knock cum at de
doah? Guilt was SIGH burden on yer soul
dat de ham tasted like sawdust, an you
woke up at midnight to see spooks standin'
by yer beds. De good man goes aroun'
wild his hat on his ear, afeard OF nobody
an lookin' everybody square in de eye.
If he happens to see de patrol wagon gw'ne
along he doan' turn pale. II anybody
happens TO lay hand on him he doan'
sink inter his butes.
''How ar it wild de bad man? He's
allus lookin' fur b'ar-traps an spring guns
He's allus 'spectin' to be rested an shut
up. 4 strange knock at his cabin doah