St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1887-09-01
ALLEGED HUMOR.

A Wisconsin burglar turned out to
be stone deaf. He Will gain hearing
in court.
the modern cOnveniences, even rheu-
matte tubes.
The most wonderful thing about a
shad is how the meat ever got i'll be-
tween the bones.
From the records of recent college
graduates it is believed the letters b..
A. indicate Boss Athlete.
"Waiter, see you have turtle soup
on the menu. Is it mock turtle 2"
Waiter-''No, sir; mud."-[Tid-B
Fish culture will never reach it's high
est form of usefulness until fish are
taught how to bite so that they may
be hooked.
1t is used as an argument, either for
temperance or the bicycle, that no BIZ
cycle rider ever comes home drunk on
his bicycle.
"Train up child in the way he
should co." and keep a little ahead of
him in the same way during the train
ing, to be sure he goes.
When a politician puts himself in
the hands of his friends, he finds that
the hands of his friends put themselves
in his pocket New Haven News.
The man who left home to spend
the summer with his family has just
returned. The summer is not yet
spent, but his money Isl Lowell Cit
izen.
Somebody claims to have discovered
substance which is 300 times as
sweet as sugar. The substance" is
supposed to be about eighteen years
old aud wears a hustle.
The birth of son to George and
Edith Kingdom Gould is probably put
father as new issue of preferred
stock Utica Observer.
The Vermont legislature, it is said,
will be asked to exempt base ball play
ers from serving on >juries. Already
the courts in that state are adjourned
when the judges want to attend Il
game.-[N N. Y. Tribune.
"My dear, why are the eggs always
hard at breakfast now 2" "They must
be eggs of the new hens," replied Mrs.
SnaggS, thoughtfully. "The new hens
why should their eggs be hard 2"
'They are Plymouth Rocks, you know"
II Pittsburg Chronicle.
Omaha Manufacturer. - Well, did
you sell any of our automatic fire
alarms in St. Louis Returned Agent.
They wont do there. You know
they go off when TIE temperature of IA
room reaches 1902. ''Of course"
"Well, they all began going off while
| was putting 'em up"
Miss Wauka Shaw sis MIR. o. Shaw
any relative of yours ?" Miss Sarato-
ga Geyser: ''Oh, yes, he's a distant
relative" Miss Wauka Shaw: 'How
distant 2" Miss Saratoga Geyser: she
is my brother but he is the youngest
of nine children and Im the eldest"-
[Chicago Herald.
The principal of an academy in New
Jersey advertises in the city papers
that he prepares boys for bus. or col.
Backward boys taught pri." If you
have boy who is little slow in his
gram. or dilator. in his rith. or weak in
his Lat. that you want to run for a
bus. posish. or a profesh., you should
write let. to the prime. of this acad. |
for Giro. and "a cat. containing terms
and curric. The prof's head is level
DuTu0GCo'
The pitcher had little ball, and it |
was white as snow, and where the |
striker thought it was, that ball it
wouldn't go. 1t had sudden inshoot
curve, it had fearful drop, and when
the striker wildly struck, that ball it
didn't stop. "Why does the ball fool
strike US SO p the children all did cry.
''The pitcher twirls the ball, you
know" the teacher did reply.-[ De-
trOit Free Press.
To remove mosquitoes from room,
mix four ounces of oil of cloves, two
ounces of oil of peppermint, three
ounces of oil of lavender, eight ounces
of capsicum, eight ounces of camphOr,
half pint of spirits of turpentine and
half pound of insect powder. Catch
the mosquitoes and give them half
teaspoonfnl every Is minutes. AS soon
as they begin to show signs of paraly-
sis hit them tenderly with paving
They can then be removed
from the room without danger. =
[ springfield Union.