davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
The Lime Kiln Club.

4 wish de world would let he e. i)ne fur q
couple OF weeks" said Brother Gardner as
the echoes of the triangle died away. 1t has
got to dat pass whar' am constantly lookin'
fur sunthim' 10 happen, an it is warm on my
narves.
"Ebery Monday mawuin' we kin look in de
papers fur an item 10 de ciTeck dat he cholera
AIN Sartiu H. reach dis kemtry.
"On Tuesday nlawnn' we kin expcck 10
find dat somebody has diskibered new
comet, an dat said comet ar gwine to switch
his tail around an knock dis kentry all to
smash
On Wednesday mawnin we ar purity sar-
tin to find medical report to de effect dat
consumption has increased - per cent iii dis
kentry in de last five 'arS an dat Guild men
all ober de kentry am dro!pin' dead w'd
heart disease.
Thursday am lie rrS'lar day fur pre,lictin'
tidal waves, cyclones an tinamshul panics
FRIDAY ar sartin to bring de news dat de
coal fields of de world viii hc exhausted in
about 25a0lu vars, ebery stick of wood lie
gone a Var later, an dat lie Guild populaShun
kin prepare fur sorrowful time.
Saturday eantls up de week wild railroad
slaughter. big hotel tiah, u steamboat col
liSlun' an de statcn nlent dat de germs OF yal-
Ter fever hev appeared in watarmellyons. DIS
puts Us all ia Il good frame of mind. an when
we 20 to church on Sunday an har de
preacher tell how glad we OTTER I've dat we are
lowed to LID frew de week we feel dat lie has
struck de keynote.
Il tell YOU, | duan' care two cents whether
de sun am 100000 miles from de airtiI, or
only g5IO.uvO. | doan' know whether de
moon mn inhabited or not, an doan' pro-
pose to lose any sleep oler it. Dis kaDtry
NAV hev 900 miles of coast exposed to de at
tac; of a rurreim ironclai, but amt gwine
to git up one mint aIriIer in lie mawnin'. 1t
NAV I've dat De Intellectual standard OF de
world has decreased 10 per cent. Ill lie las
decade but Ize gwine to keep right "n buy'n'
de same grade Of coiti>h from de same
grocer. Imtideiism may be Gainin' ground at
de rate of pcr cent. per var, but me an de
Ole woman am gwinc to smoke &c same Kind
of terbacker an soothc our buny"IrS wld de
same make of salve.-Dctroit Free Press.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
Tie Wise ElN.

Once upon n time several flies flew into a
kitchen through a window. They were locking
for something nice to eat. hut they were not
particular. They were willing To put up with
anything they could find.
The first lily took Il sip at some dough which
the cook had left in the pan. Il tasted very
nice. but in a short time the insect was rackei
with a dreadful pain in his abdomen, and in
short time he hreathed his last in great agony.
His bowels could not stand the alum with
which the aUur had been carefully adulter-
Ated
The second fly took a sip at some coffee
dregs, and Immediately his head began 10
swim. and he experienced a sensation Of
nausea. After few fearful contortions, the
fly held up his legs and was relieved from
his sufferings 10y death. Oxide of iron, with
which the coffee was adllterated, was more
than the fly constitution could stand.
The third fly tried the syrup and dropped
dead into the pitcher. Unless IA fly is pro
vided with Bes-emer steel bowels he should
never inilale sulphuric acid. It's not healthy
The fourth fly had a massive, sixty-five
ounce brain. He had studied the nature of
his fellow insect. man, and was up to his
tricks and devices. Noticing "a box of Rough
on Flies, which was labeled Poison hc flew
gayly to it and fed voraciously on its CON
tents. The fly never experienced evil effects,
for. like everything else, the fly poison was
aiulterated. Siftings
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Charley Deacon, the doorkeeper of the
Stock Exchange on the Wall street side.
meets SOME queer people. Yesterday a visi-
tor from the rural districts, with his coat on
his arm, with his wife and two children, en-
tered, and, pointing to the stairs leading to
the visitors gallery, said: Can l Z inF'
YES, if you put your coat onf' replied
Deacon. ''ls it ireei" asked the man from
up country YES" Does the city pay for
it, persisted the visitor Pay for what =
wearily returned the doorkeeper why, for
the menagerie. They told me that this was a
menagerie, where the bulls and bears fight"
The coumtrynIan was told that he might
safely enter, and fifteen minutes later, when
he came down stairs. he remarked: "Goll!
that's the biggest circus ever saw. Do they
do that every dayf" But by this time the
courteous and chirpy Deacon WIS ready to
die, and he didn't reply.-New York Sun.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
No More Rhyme Than Reason.

God bless tie kickers the dear old kickers-
God bless them, every one. For they'll kick
when you're sober and in for work and kick
when you're in for fun! They'll buck at i'm
provemrcn;s in real e~tate-theyll buck at
booming the towii-and Gt every thing that'll
work for good some kicker Will frown II
frorn! If this thing or that is thought to be
good some other they'll say will be better;
and If one could write them up as a mass"
they'd knock off that superfluous letter.,
When these self same kickers arrive at the
gates the pearly gates of heaven-theyll
kick if offered nice small crown and pick
out big number 'leven. On earth, in heaven,
at home on the street, there are men who are
bound to kick: until, we declare there's 10
peace anywhere-tis enough to make man
SICK. So out on those kickers, those chronic
old kickers-that blight that is thrust on
town-and wien they kick with their mulish
ways-for heavens sake, frown them down.
Brule OAK Index.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
HIS rePra OF WCs,


Och. Kittie. love We, an faith can't mend Il,
Yer lips are 50 r,'sy, your eyes aTc 81 blue:
With a smile that's So ruSuis--th, saints all lie.
feud it
That # am ravin, the fault is wild YOU.
Ye chidc an fruwn. vet mest.lf it il thinkin',
Murr angry ye'd tee Wild mr were g. 20:
Sure. kIttic me heart like a stuus would he
sinkin',
If thought that wild more than ger lips ye
said no.
tt rn ont on We foolin', me darlin'. nor tazs me;
Gut end this SuSpnSe If yr value me life
IL CourSr there is many another could rla2e me,
And make, like yersrlf. me "A true, luviu' wife.
Don't flash wild yer two eyes, didn't quite name
it
Though the truth tits the same, an the devil
say no
Thin come 10 my arrums-och. must l explain
Me socks are all out at the heel an the toe.
THERE'S the pig, the poor dsrlin'. an sure he is
failin',
Wid gruann an moanin-bcgob its a sin
From morniu' till night the swate craythur is
wailin
An no one 10 carry his shwill To the pin
Thin com" To- me shantv. beg Of yez. Kittie;
Say Wis, an wid joy IN b, danciu' jig;
II not for meS,lf in Yer heart We take pity,
Och, kitjir, remember the woes Of me pisi
C. II. Turner in BIn-,hamton Republican
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Watering place socirty.-Young Nan Ito
young lady to whom he has been introduced
You are daughter, believe, of Maj.
Nucklrhead
Lady-IeS, sir. Do you know papai
Man-Yos
LADY, think papa is just splendid
Man-Ani You have a brother WIlhami
Lady-Do you know brother Will.
Man-ltS.
Lady-Oh, | think brother VIII is lust
splendid.
Man-Some time ago met an aunt of
ours, Miss Tahitha Thorn
Lady t"iih enthuSiasmD-Do you know
Aunt Tahithal
Man-Ncs.
Lady oh, think Aunt Tabitha is lust
splendid.
\ few moments later the lady, while talk
ing {" her mother, says: Mamma, have
just had "A deli Shtful conversation. Mr..
l. the most charming Conversationist ever
saw. w."-Arkausaw Traveller
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
A Mean Little Boy.

John FIzzlctop is the meanest kind Of lit
tie boy. His aged grandmother, whose eye
sight is very much impaired, asked him to
read the morning paper out loud to her. In
stead Of reading right straight along, he
skipped from one item TO another, thereby
confusing the Old lady very much. He read !:
Her majesty having listened attentively
TO the address of the lord mayor, she pro-
ceedei TO lay the corner stone with the silver
trowel, when a sudden gust Of wind threw her
OH her beam ends"
"W hiatt" gasped Johnny's grandmother
"Yes, its just as read: A sudden gust Of
wind threw her on her beam ends. and she
Immediately filed and sank in ten fathoms of
water
Dear me. how dreadful Well, she has
made England a gool queen, and she has been
a virtuous widow for many yeaIs.-Texas
SiftIngs.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
HE WEARS THE UNIFORM, ANYWAY.


In n burst Of obviously misplaced confidence
young laly just returned from college con-
fided one Of the awful secrets OF her scX-the
true inwar,iness Of the females account book.
You See" she said Il can't always remember
exactly what | have spent all my money for,
so | just put down all the items can remem-
Der, aud then charge the deficit to postage
stamps. Mamma often wonders what can
possibly do with all the stamps buy, for she
knows | haven't such n dreadful list Of cor
respondents. OF course she went on, with q
truly inexplcabIe look of conscious prevarica-
tion, Il don't write TO anybody mamma
doesn't know about
"Of course as>.ntei the tourist
And You see.' continued the fair NasSar
ite, "whcn she looks over my accounts and
sees twenty-five cents charged for missionary
fund, ten cents for lead pencils. fifty cents
for carauclS and s! for postage stamps, she
thinks its kind OF funny. ALBANY Journal.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
LITTLE LAUGHS.
The favorite pets for the seashore an
Shelley and Crabhe - New York Journal

The favorite pets for the seashore an
Shelley aud Crabhe New York Journal
Jones, he keeps a blacksmith shop,
His wife "A poultry pen;
Jones, le shoes the horse
And is wife she Shoes the hen
Whitehall Times.
Some fresh air children located near Ithaca,
n V, asked permission to pick flowers. The
kind hearted family gave them permission to
pick all they chose. Imagine their surprise
when it was discovered that they had picked of
every blossom from Il large cucumber patch
Floating Item.
An Illinois school teacher sent To Chicago
for "mrmorundumh books" and the trustees
of the district got hold Of the fact and re-
quested her resignation They don't believe
in 'art spelling" in that state te-ExchanGe.
In Boston they say that July was "fervid. -"
In this city we stick 10 the pian Henry Ward
Beecher Philadelphia Call
a Syracuse lawyer in drawing up brief
referred t" a "gote,' "carp"ntir," a 'hotcl
keaper~ amda "coustcbul," and Vet he won his
case. A lawyer who can weep before a jury
has no need Of any orthography at alL-De
trot Free Press
a writer on political economy says: Its
the little leaks that tell" Yes, indeed, Il little
leek will give you away as fast an over
grown omon.--Ionkers Statesman.
"EeS," says Mrs. Pneuvoriche in front of
the Venus lie Milo, Il see by the card that it
is torso; but it would he interesting to know
how 1t became torso. Boston Transcript.
In n restaurant, i'll Cincinnati Stranger-I
say, waiter, can | get such thing pork
chop in this cityt Waiter falls dead-Town
Topics
y novel under the curious name Of The
WASP is just published. 1t must have bad
ending g-Life.
Some one says the age Of political party
may he told 10y its rings.-New Orleans Pic
ayune.
When n man buys porous plaster he gem
orally sticks to his bargain.-Peoria Tran
script
No self respecting Saratoga trunk goes
travelling nowadays without leather strap
around its waist.-BostOn Globe.
Mystery. How can a girl six inches in
diameter get away with pan Of CLANS
eighteen inches across -Martha's Vineyard
Herald.
He would not say the words. although
She did her hest 10 please:
So she gave him q pinch of old Scotch snuff
And brought him to his sneeze
Merchant Traveller
Private arm in arm with his sweetheart,
meets his sergeant in the garden of a restaur-
antl-Sergcant, my sister. Sergeant -
know; she was mine ouce.-Eberswalde
Zeitung.
Pa" said a Second avenue boy, al know
what makes folks laugh i'll their sleeves" t"
"Well, my son, what makes 'em." Cause
that's where their funny bone is."-New
York Mercury.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Eastern Eouth-No, you'll never get me
away from the east I'm going to settle
down alongside the old folks.
Omaha Real Estate Man ION trip)-Wcll,
! should feel that way too II | We're in Your
place By the way, wish you'd ask your
mother for some good waffle recipes \
young lady who belongs to the Housekeeping
society wants them.
The Housekeeping societyw
"Yes, all the pretty girls Ia Omaha are or
ganizng a society of that kind. The object
is to learn housekeeping thoroughly, and all
have 10 promise that when married they will
do their own house work. BY the way, can
sell you lot very cheap now"
Give me a big one, with house on it,
Omaha World.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

We hear that Luman Woodwari's log for
the old settlers cabin is quite marvel in its
way. II. CroSsley says he stretched a tape
line along it from end to end. There is sag
or curvature of the spine in the middle that
makes divergence of six feet two inches
from a straight line The tree was cut by
the owner becausc it made the cows in the
pasture 50 crusseyed TO look at it
that the butter from their milk made
the children tonSuetied. The tree never
leafei out till fall, because it took the
sap all summer to find its way up to the
branches. When Luman put the log on the
fair ground it Immediately began to roll all
around the premises, Icing too crooked To lie
still They had 10 whip up the team to get
away from it-Gcneseo dis News
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

"William!" said the old gentleman at the
breakfast tabte.
1Sir!r
Il am not pleased to see you so much in the
company of young JobsoI.. He is dissipated
young man, and he CANDLES. should prefer
that you avoid his society,"
He gambles, father. l suppose He can
afford to. He has just made 100000 in the
wheat corner
"Wall-still--you had better be careful"
After little while William rises from the
table.
"William!"
..Srl"
Iii Mr.. Job>on is disengaged this evening
you can bring him up 10 dinner. Perhaps Il
little good example may save him-and,
William, you can just tell him something
about the new mining company am float
ing.-San Francisco Chronicle.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
OVER 1000 LADIES IN PHILADELPHIA
CLANS PRESCRIBE " FREELY.

It's purpose Is solely far the legitimate hauling Of
ease and the rcf pain ard it does DO
1t VIII cure entirely all Ovarian Vaginal troubles
Inflammation and liberation, Falling and Displace-
meuts; and consequent Spinal Weakness. and Is par
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
The Trap Would lie II Safeguard.

We'll, what on earth 10 you suppose that
old lady up in Lilo wants nowt she has Just
runc again" said CLERK i'll one Of the largest
hotels in Saratoga To the senior proprietor,
who rad been several times appealed TO to
crafty the wlims Of a notional old guest.
well, | don't know. What does she
want!"
She wants a mouse trap"
We'll, get her a mouse trap
But you know there was never mouse
seen on that floor since the house was built"
What difference does that maker said the
circumspect boniface. at is not mouse that
she wants, it's mouse trap-get her mouse
trap"
The clerk sent right out, got three hole
mouse trap for ten cents and the old lady was
comfortable i'll mind for several hours.-The
SaratOgian
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
elTIS 4 SOVEREIGN
H REMEDY,

y trpFAsASrro
rHK TASTE. rttI
, CACIOrs AND irt-
mediate and last
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

A young lady, clad in a plain calico dress,
was walking up Nirnilet avenue yesterday,
holding the hand OF youth of ~ or there
ah0uts, with a country look about him
When they reached Yerxa's grocery the
young man saw basket of cocoanuts on the
sidewalk. He quickly dropped the girls
hand, and, rushing into the store, exclaimed.
excite'lly: Say, mister, gimme ten cents
worth of them big pcrtaters with hair on 'em.
Gosh, but won't | make the old mans eyes
stick out Minneapolis News
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

A Junior member of the wealthy Rothschild
family, who had heard about the price Of land
out west, visited this country some years ago
In a San Francisco barber shop be was
shaved, had his hair cut, shampooed. etc, for
which he was charged 81. This is queer
country" said young Rothschild afterward
to FRIEND "a shave here costs two acres of
land. The FpOch
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Great Traveler-Ihe most interesting
country in the world Is China.
Omaha LADY, suppose so. have read
that Confucius taught that the greatest Of all
virtues was veneration for age
YES. By the way what do you suppose
they swear witnesses 10y in Chinese courtsl'
The book Of Com ucius | should imagine :"
"No, they swear witnesses by chicken"
"Oh, yes. sea boarding house chicken n
Omaha World
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
Ps,choIoCically Distant

Citizen-Havau't you got any relatives at
all, Tramp-YeS, sir; | have one. but he is
a distant relative. WHO is that" "Il's a
brother, sir" Well, you don't call your
brother distant relative, do your Why.
Yes, sir; you see he's dead, sir.-Yonkers
Statesman.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Il know what is the matter with me, doc
ter, said the patient, "ani know just what
| need and all need | want quiet and rest. ="
Correct You are, replied the doctor, and
I'll fix y"u right out join cricket club"
TIorGHTs FROM THE CONCORD SCHOOL.
why is the air in the country much
fresher than in the city" asked Miss Sillibub.
Because" replied Farmer Hayseed, 80 many
fresh people come ont from town and wade
around in it" No man who reads Aristotle
can deny this
As it not possible" suggested Professor
Gull, principal of the kn>knsbia Primary
school, i'll the course of his paper "n the In
materiahty Of Substance, that Aristotle
derived his ideas of potential infiniries from
other invcmtor,r' "Oh. vcs," said Professor
Muggs, LII d. teacher Of violin and accor-
dion, ST. Paul City, MINI, seafoam, shampoo
sspecialty); be hnd been reading Mime
apolis directory"
No WONDER THEY CAPsIZED.
yawl, containing members Of the Second
Presbyterian Fishir; club, Of Philadelphia,
capsized of Ca.r May last Thursday and the
fishers Were rescued from drowning with
great difficulty. Well, the Presby byterians
ought to know enough to keep out Of deep
water. They're not used 10 it.
SUPREME COURT DECISION.
solomon the Wise was saved from being a
pettifOCger by a woman. The childs mother
checked the monarch in the very beginning
of his career as an heir splitter.
AT MRS MKERREL's sOIREE.
"Were you intendon to carve the fowl, Mr..
Samson:" asked the landlady, insinuatingly.
"Sincw insist upon it, will" replied Mr..
Samson. and ali the spectators vailed their
faces IL the strong man bowed himself for
the struggle.
HE WEARS THE UNIFORM. ANYWAY.
From the Incorporate language used by
Professor Tyndall in his assaults upon Mr..
Gladstone. the hard names he calls the Grand
Old Man, the vicious charges he ma!eS, the
mud he throws and the generally hateful and
malignant temper he displays. we fear the
scientist has become a philanthroplSt and
joined the refOrmers 1t is indeed dishearten-
ing and saddeEinS TO see Il man who has
hitherto possessed warm, atfectionate,
human heart, touched with perhaps one or
two human infirmities itself. suddenly be-
come infirTmcd with a desire to do people
good. It's always mighty hard on the people.
BROOKLYN Eagle
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

Dealer to clerkl-What did that young
lady want, Jamest
Clerk-She asked for anatomical Brussels
carpets, and l told her We hadn't such a
thing
Dealer-Great Scot 1 lanes, that young
sells. and we've got an overstock Of 'em.-New
SarE Sun
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
EH39|


Merit will win and receive public recognition and
praise. Facts which the outcome Of general eI
perience. CROWN. through years Of critical and
practical test, become as rooted and immovable ~
the rock Of Gibraltar in public opinion and hence
forth need no further guarantee as to their genu-
ineness. The indisputabe fact that SwIfts Specific
Is the best blood purifier IN the world is Of
immovable Gibraltar rpCk facts Of which We have
spoken and every days experience roots this con
SictiOn deeper and deeper in pubic opinion. Every
class Of our people in America and In Europe
every trade calling and profession. including the
medical profession, have borne voluntary testi-
mOny TO the remarkable virtues Of 5. 5 s. and
Its tnfalblo efficacy in curing all diseases Of the
blood. These testimonials on file by the thou
sands and open To the Inspection Of all. Now come
unsolicited two distinguished members of tn. th.a
rcal profession. who gratefully testify tO the wonder
full curative qualities Of the Speciic In their indi-
vidual cases. Their testimonials are here~ th sub
mitted TO the public without further cOmment-let
them speak for themselves The lady l. a member Of
the famous Thn!ia Theatre Company OF New York.
many. and Of McVicker's r'sStock Company Of Chicago.
The gentleman II a well known member - the New
hOrs Thalia Theatre Company. Both are well known
In theatrical circles In this country and in Europe.
Charlotte Randow's Testimony.
NEW YORK. May s, 1881.
Swift Specific Company. Atlanta, Ga:
'-ntlrIii.u- Having been annoyed with pimples,
eruptioEs and rOughness Of the skin from bad con
dition OF my GLpOd, for more than "A year used a
tised remedies to effect Then consult Ell prom
iDcnt physician. and from his treatment received
no benrnt. then concluded tn try the : s. s
cdy Tor the blood, and five or six packages, by q
thorough eradication Of my trouble and restoring
smoothness to my skin, have made me happy. and
i cherrfuIly give you this testimonial for such u.s.,
and publicity as you wish To make Of IL.
CHARLOTTE RAINBOW
~ BOwery, near Canal Street.
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
Asking Too Little,

Two 1rishmen We're conversing in front OF
a saloon One of them said: 1--we wurked on
all of the Texas railroads for the last tin
years, and, be jabbers, I'm entoitled to an
annual pass"
If 1 We're you, Pat, wouldn't accept an
annual pass A scmi-annual pass is the laste
you are entitled to."-Texas Siftings
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20
Sam John.inS'- at Home"

Sam ,InhnsimG. an Austin c,,lorei man,
who keeps the sheriff busy hunting him up,
Is once more an inmate of the Travis county
bastile. Jim Webster, chum of the accused,
called at the Jail to console his friend.
What do You want heref" asked the jailer
gruflly.
Il jess called, sab, ter make inquiry, sab,
eff NV friend Mr.. sam Johnsing is 81 home.
sab hg"-TeNas Siftings
Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-08-20

"Your daughter writes the most beautiful
letters ever read" said Merritt, trying to
make himself solid with the old lady
"Yes," replied Mrs. Malaprop, Il have
spared neither trouble nor expense To give
her a thorough education. As for her letters,
know they must lie good, for l bought her
a copy Of the hest letter writer that is pub
lish,sl The Epoch.