The Monitor. [volume] (Woodstown, N.J.) 1884-1892, 1887-10-14
HIS FAIR EXPERIENCE.

II am a farmer, and | hear you are goini
to have another agricultural fair next fall
and / thought / would write and tell you
that am getting ready for it.
"You probably don't remember me, bu
| attended your fair last year. | brough
the ~doggondest biggest punkin On tn,
grounds, though | reckon mebby you didn't
see it, most of your time being took VI
keeping a record of the different racing
horses entered. / also had a fine blooded
COW, while my wife brought big loaf Of
bread, so light it wouldn't hardly lay still,
and two bottles of ho'made wine though
you might not eff saw these either, as ]
noticed that besides the boss business you
had enough work for one man issuing per-
mits to those sturdy farmers which had
three-card monte outfits and such other
agricultural products.
"And, after all, it cost me tan dollars to
see the other side of the cards one of these
gentlemen exhibited.
Il reckon | may say | had hard luck at
your fair last fall. When | first drove in
the folks was making such a hoIIering
bout a boss race that had just come off,
that my team got scarf and run away and
spraiSed my wife's ankle. While | was
looking round for a good place to put the
big punkin a man COME along and said he
was judge on wines and drank mp both
bottles of ours.
Il afterward saw him standing in front
of a tent and yelling: "'Ere's yer chancel
'ere's yer chancei See the Twin hal If
woman an the man what was t~ittattooed
all over on the island of Chattanooga.
Only a dime.
Il then went to tie up the COW, and when
l come back a tramp had his face in the
loaf of bread. l didn't care so much about
that as that I missed him when I kicked
at him.
II stayed three days, and each night
some gypsies which were camping right
on the grounds MIXED my COW and pound
ed her with a lumber wagon whiffie-tree
because she switched her tail.
81 watched the races most of the time,
there not being much else to look at. One
day | had to pay a mar fifteen dollars
because the boss that came in way ahead
on the first two heats was the very last on
The other three. I think that boss must
have been took sick. | know I was.
THE next day a pickpocket got my
silver watch.
"About every hour Bill CHATS my boy)
would come to me and get another half
dollar. He said he had a system that ne
was certain must finally beat the wheel of
fortune, and the nut-shells, and roulette,
and the man down back of the barn who
was throwing the loaded dice. I couldn't
say nothing because | took Bill with me to
show him how | was going to clean out
the three-card monte man that time it
cost me ten dollars.
"My wife bought a bottle of liquid glue
which proved to be mostly water, and a
receipt for soap which she afterwards dis
covered was printed in Norwegian.
She would nave bought some other things,
probably, but she lost her pocketbook.
''In the meantime l might mention that
somebody stole the whip. and spring
seat, and end-board. and neck-yoke of'n
the harness.
sWhen the fair was through I demanded
my diplomas on my COW and punkin, as
they were the only ones there. got them
after some talk-two leetle piecesof paper
with some printing on them-and when |
turned round to go out a big man stepped
on one OF my corns. He was the owner of
the r~ace-horses and was looking down roll
ing up the SC, 500 the treasurer had just
paid him as his share of the purses, to put
it in his pocket, and so didn't notice me.
'sThat, Mr.. Secretary, is a brief and con-
densed history of my experience at your
fair last fall. shall come this year, but
as Billy says, l shall come heeled.
~ shall make no exhibits, but | have
got a two-wheeled sulky, and every day I
shall hitch old Doll to it and run her round
the five acre field. shall enter her in the
senior class-as l believe it is called-1
Judge she is old enough.
''BilI has got himself a thimble rig out
fit aud has whitfield some dice out of the
bone of a mules leg, and has inserted lead
on the opposite side from the big mum
bers.
.'My wife is preparing liquid glue by
the wholesale. the same kind she bought,
and will peddle it on the ground.
''For myself, beside entering old Doll,
and betting all my money again her, |
shall work the three-card monte business
for all it is worth. can already mix up
my wife and occasionally fool Bill.
Il am also painting the end Of the OK
yoke to look like a face and shall stick s
clay pipe in its mouth and let people throw
rolling-pins at it, three whacks for q
quarter. Come over and try it. If yor
break a pipe you get six nickle cigars
1--WE shall all of us bum our feed on thu
grounds and sleep under the grand stand
If | can get a ~two-headed calf to exhibit ii
a tent (not to enter for a diploma ] shall
do so. In fact. TO sum the whole matte
up, we shall come prepared for an agricnl
tural fair as we understand it.
Yours truly,
ZAcHARTAH WAyBAcK."
up. ST. shall were a poker dot shirt
and smoke a cigar printed high. Bill vii