The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1887-04-28
M ark Twain as a Farmer.

1hA eeA n w 1"ill eso q l. III LlSAs
a SPEECH THAT HE MIGHT HAVE DE-
LIvERED BEFORE AN AGRICULTL RAJ
CLUE.
| have been INTRODUCED to you as an ex.
perienced agriculturist. [Laughterl 1
love the farm. Adam loved the farm.
Laughter Noah loved his vineyards.
Horace loved the farm, as is shown by that
great book, What l know about Farm
ing" [ laughter Washington, Webster.
and Beecher were allured by the attractions
of agriculture. Some one said to Beecher:
Keep your COWS ont of my shrubbery."
Keep your shrubbery out Of my cows"
replied Beecher, sit spoils the milk
Laughter Hogs are hard animals to drive
over bridge. [llaughter.] once saw q
man carried several miles on the back of a
hog that turned in opposition to the. solici-
tations to the driver on AZ preaching a
bridge. [Laughter.] l will tell you of a
safe way to get hogs over bridge: Kill
them and draw them over in wagon.
laughter Hogs aref fond Of spring lambs
and spring chickens. Hogs " i'll eat tLeir
own offspring if no lambs or chickens are
| offered in the market. Laughter When
a boy l was solicited to escort a pig to a
| neighber S farm. A strong rope tied to
the pigs leg was placed in my hand. did
not know before the speed and strength of
a min NJ do
the way you want them to run. Renewed
laughter.] A pig can draw canal boat
with the towlne tied to his hind leg, but
[ would not insure the canal boat. Hogs
are clearly, orderly. silent, and not bent on
mischief laughter when cut up and
sailed, and in tight barrel with heavy
weight on the lid. prolonged laughter
This is all know about hogs.
Tlpye COWS. Laughter What so meek
and LOVELY -Elaughter]-a a mooley COW?
City people are foolish to be frightened at
COWS. was never hurt by a cow but once.
He shook his head at me from behind
strong gate | felt the security Of my po-
sition and SHE'D a pumpkin at him. He
came through the gate as though it was
SPIDERS web, and then 1 was sorry did it.
Laughter This kind of COW should
not be fooled with unless you are tired of
monotony. Laughter.] The poet loves to
dwell upon milkmaids, milking time, and
lovers sparkling over the farm-yard gate,
but no such poet could ever have MIXED
COW in fly time. Laughter | cannot
imagine successful love suit at such a
season. l MIXED the COWS one night when
the boys were off on a Fourth of July.
Laughter That is, | MIXED one and
one-half cows, Laughter The last one
was so busy knocking off flies with her
hind foot 1 thought had better not dis
turb her longer. a pail Of fresh milk kicked
over boy does not improve his clothes Or
temper. Some say 1 MIXED from the
wrong side. [Great laughter thought |
| would oe sure and be right, so MIXED |
half on one side and half on the other. |
[ Renewed laughter, | was on the other |
side when she knocked off most flies. Can |
any one. tell me why COW should be per-
mitted to dictate which side a man shall |
milk from ? claim the right of my choice
at least half of the time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gambolover the green.
so patient and modest as a sheep.
Laughter. Some saya scamp is the black
sheep of the flock, but black sheep is just
as respectable as any, and the coIor-line
should not thus be drawn. Laughter.]
| once fshed on the bluff and casually dis
covered a sheep with large crooked horns
coming at me with head down and fire in
her eyes. The fish were not biting well,
80 | left my sport and lodged behind
stump. The sheep fell on the rocks below
and broke her neck. For this act | have
since been accused of non protection of the
wool traffic. This reminds me of COM
missioner of agriculture in old times who
purchased six hydraulic rams for the i'm
ID laughter.l Feather beds are made from
geese, but all wooden goods and drums are
made from sheep skins. [Applause.]
take great pride in the horse. He is
The noblest Roman of them all.'' Laugh.
er.l | once led Stephens horse to water.
How proudly he arched his neck and tail.
he was SO fond of me he tried to embrace
ne with his front feet. But | was so shy
T. turned about and playfully knocked my
1t off with his heels. Laughter l told
stephens / thought his horses looked much
)e1ter walking on four feet than on two
get. A horse presses hard when your tee
) caught under his hoof. l speak not
rom theory, but from actual experience.
Ltughter.l l went riding with Stephens
orse and heshied and danced provokingly.
Treat him kindly, " says Stephens" never
eat a horse" BY and by Stephens thought
10 would get out and walk for exercise.
You may let him feel the lash little
low, said Stephens. "A little discipline
low will do him good" prolonged laugh
er.]
Here IS composition wrote on farm
ng when boy: Farming is healty work;
nut no man can run farm and wear his
est clothes at the same time. Either the
armlng must cease while the new clothes
ontinue, or the new clothes must cease !
While farming continues, This shows
hat farming is not so clean work as being
Congressman OR schoolmaster, for these
aen can wear good clothes if they can find
money to pay for them. [Laughter.] Farm {
RS get up early in the morning. They say .
he early bird catches the worm. IL was :
bird | had rather get up late and eat
herries in the place of worms. Laugh {
er.l Farmers don't paint their wagons !
vhen they can help it, for they show mud
30 quick. The color of their boots is red,
nd don't look like. other peoples boots. !
BECAUSE they are twice as big. [Applause.l .
Farmers wives have hard time cooking /