The clarion., 1887-09-28
WIT AND HUMOR.


There is an American college In
Rome, but It has no baseball club. and
Is therefore never heard of.-Psiiadel.
phia Cdli
The years undisturbed possession of
a setter dog will destroy the veracity
OF the best man in America. Macon
(Gd.) Telegraph
A poor little college does not make
man bigger by giving him title that
Is TO be added to his name and be-
come nuisance forever.-Neio Orleans
Hcdguse.
A writer on political economy says;
"lts the little leaks that tell Yes,
indeed; little leak win give you away
as last as an overgrown onion
IonkerS Statesman.
Young wife (petulantly)-''Wen.
even If don't come to meet YOU every
night as | used, what does it signify?N
Young husband-''That we have been
married six months. Life.
To look like the majority of the pic.
lures in fashion magazines a woman
would have to carry her stomach under
her chin and her liver in the small OF
her back.-Netc York Graphic
1t is problem of mathematicians to
decide which will make a man start the
quicker. Canada thistle in his chair
or an invitation to "have something"
with friend.-DanSUille Breeze.
Tourist-"H long has this been a
prohibition town?" Native-"Six
weeks" Tourist Ito his friends)-
We're all right boys. Here, Johnny.
show us the way to the best saloon."-
Bardette.
Temperance" says an esteemed
contemporary, "puts coal on the fire"
Away with temperance for the next
four months, thenl What we want
now is something that puts ice on it
Brooklyn Eagle.
Lend me So; / need them very
much" What for?" Il want TO
pawn my watch" "But you don't need
any money for that" ''Indeed i do.
] must get it from the watchmaker's
first. ."-JelCeier'S Weekly.
A possible tenant inspects a cottage
to rent, and inquiries about the quality
of the air. 1.-The airw cries the land
lord, 1.-THE air is wonderful. One be-
comes a centenarian quicker here than
anywhere else. French Fun.
Blobson-What makes You look so
cheerful to-day, DumpseyP Dumpsey
My daughter left the window open
yesterday and our piano was struck by
lightning. You can't imagine what o
relief it s.-Burlington Free Press.
Lightning knocked over three men
who were sitting on boxes in front of
grocery store in Paterson, n. j. One
of them was knocked senseless The
other exclaimed: ''Leggo! I'm comm
right home. Burlington Free Press.
A 3-year-old, who, afflicted probably
by the hot weather, had been cross and
fretful all day, was asked rather
sharply by his mother: whats the
matter?" Il want it to snow," was
the childs prompt reply.-Al6aHy
Journal
A young physician who had recently
hung out his sign came home one daY
in high spirits. ''Do you know, my
DEAR" he said to his wife, "Tm
really becoming quite wen known here.
The undertakers bow to me already"
French Fun.
Say" observed a distinguished
member of Chicago's literary circle to
another; ''Its my opinion that this
Bacon cipher is a good thing" lis
itP" replied the other greatly Interested
"Does it give points on lard, tooP"-
PittSbstrg Chronicle.
The professor was examining q
young candidate in law. The subject
being Inheritance, he said: when a
nephew inherits money from his
uncle what has he to doP" Nothing
in the world, mon professeur, except
to enjoy himself. y French Fun.
A great truth: Lager-beer is bet.
ter drink than whisky on a hot day.
Another great truth! Ice-water is a
better drink than lager-beer on that
same day.-New York Sun. Still
another great truth: And the less
you drink of either the better it will be
for you.
The Philadelphia Crematory Asso-
citation has completed its plans for a
mortuary bakery. No furnaces will
be needed, because the requisit heate
for incinerating human bodies will
be supplied by'storing up the average
Philadelphia summer climate in large
receivers.-Lye.
There is use for cats and neces-
sity for dogs; circumstances justify
babies and throw a halo of extenuation
about the milkman and the fishmonger,
the ''scissy grinder" and the mender
of old umbrellas; but he that keepeth
a peacock within city limits is utterly
without excuse.-TorOntO Globe.
The clever wife of a professor in a
western college once wrote in one of
those confession books where people
put down their opinions on all sorts OF
subjects, in answer to the question,
What is your idea of a heroine?' IAN
educated American woman who does
her own housework. "-BostoB TrGUek-
Ter
Employer Ito new clerk)-Didn't l
see you coming out of a billiard saloon
last night? New clerk (frightened)-
Ye-yes, sir. Employer-you play
billiards thenP New clerk-Ye-yes, sir.
EmplOyer-Well, after we close up I'll
go around and play you game for the
drinks. I'm something of a player my
self. -Nea0 York Sun.
Hello, Major" said the Judge this
81 haven't seen you for
NtGh, HHSIt udFt you DttUE Dctn
nome sick as dog" replied the major,
You. Why, you were always as
healthy as could be. What in the
world made you ill?" Well, l tried to
ollow some rules on health saw in the
papers. "-Pitsb'rg Dispatch
There is a good deal of food for con-
in the remark attributed to
! Pacific coast Chinaman- He was
AIKEN TO see one of the booming new
owns, where allthe outlying country
vas laid out in city lots. and he took il
III in. When he returned home be
vas asked what he thought of it, and
Too muehee by and by. -
Hartford Cotsrant.
An extraordinary sight at the sea-
hore is presented by the girl dressed
n one of the largest, most startling
Lads in fashion. and driving on a
Ugh seat. while the young man
its humbly below her in modest
As she iiourishes the
Fhip he is probably blushing with
imidity lest the horse should start
Boston yossrssdL
Mrs. A. (who IS taking French les
onsl Now. Bridget. when Prof
,lanquc comes You must say 'Entrez'
> him. and he viii know what veu
lean and come into the parlor.n
The bell rings, and Bridget goes ~
he door. IL is the prsfesSor.l
Ontario. SAYS Bridget eWud ye
-alk into the parler. sars" Crhe pro.
,Sser walked in. aud Bridget reported
or triumph 10 the cook, lsaTpsr's
asssr.
Favored al,eve ali the lands are the
lies af Sandwich. In their recent war
the rchellsoa the entire army osly
umherea la men. 80 II every soldier
nder arms. and the satlee IN the tent.
rites a magazine history at the war