Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-11-10
WIT AND HUMOR.


find that have got to 60 to Montreal
tonight, and I want a suit of clothes.
Clerk-Yes, sir. You want cut-a-
way coat, s'pose. York San.
The Sultan of Turkey has to have
six slaves to dress him. This is very
hard, but does not begin to compare
with the misery of man who has six
slaves to dress-slaves of fashion,
Boston transcript.
Excuse me, sir" he said, .sbut
| Judge, from your erect and soldierly
bearing, that you have seen serviceP"
'sYis, sorr, Olive seen service" was
the reply. ''Oi'm footman for Missus
Paran Vendome. "-Epoch.
Maryland darky-How d'y, boss?
How many melons you raised this
year? Gardener-About 900, I guess,
Pete. How many have you raised?
Darky-Forty-two, sab (aside) -ober
yo' Burlington Free Press.
Mary" said Bliffkins, can't real
ize it. 1t seems all like a long, beau
tiful dream!' "What seems like a
dreamp" inquired his wife. 'sYou
haven't said word for three-quarters
of an hour. "-Merchaaat IraueIer.
Wife (to husband)--I caught Bird
get starting the fire this morning with
kerosene, John. Husband-How much
do we owe herp Wife--Four months
wages. Husband-W let her 90 on
with the kerosene.-NeaO York San.
George" she said, and her manner
betrayed anxiety, what has come
over papa of late. He treats you cold
ly and evidently tries to avoid YOU"
HE borrowed so of me couple of
weeks ago." explained George.
York San.
.Just think" said Mrs. Walkin to
her modiste, "the very next day after
my new black suit was sent home |
was called to 90 out of town to
funeral" s'Wasn't that nicew was the
absent-minded reply. Boston Com
mlonaUealtb.
ST. Peter (to applicant)-What was
your business when on earthp APP
plicant-Editor of q newspaper St.
Peter-Big circulation, of course? APP
plicant-No, small; smallest in the
country. ST. Peter-Pick out your
harp.-Epoch.
It is said that ''fads are to be tabooed
as bad FORM" Now, if people who
know good United States English will
taboo altogether such poor British ex-
pressions as ''fad' and ''bad form" OF
'sgood FORM" our common speech will
be the gamer. Springfield Union.
She (whose grandfather made it in
iron)-Why did you bow to those Bart
let's? He Gan old chum of Bartlett?)
What's the use of snubbing people
because you're little better than they
are? N. B.-Bartlett married poor"
and is clerk on $1,000 a year
Life.
II have an unfortunate habit of
talking in my sleep" 81 should call
that fortunate, rather than unfortun-
ate-that is to say, in your case, you
know" ''How in my case?" why,
don't you see? Because you are not
awake to hear yourself talk. BOSTON
Transcript.
First Chicago drummer-Do you
know Breezy, who travels for Loud
mouth & COP Second Chicago drum
mer-Yes. I've heard it said that he
is the biggest liar on the road" chats
all nonsense. He amt as big a liar as
| am, if do say it myself. "-NeU
York San.
"You don't know how worried I am
about my little girl She is telling
tibs all the time" s.Why don't you
punish her in some way?' .'Punish
her? You don't understand the nature
of my alarm am afraid she won't
live to grow up; SO precocious, you
know. boston Transcript
s'You have remarkably soft hands,
Mr.. Seacook. Do you use glycerine?"
"No." 81 wish my hands were like
yours; they are so white and small, a
lady might envy them. What bust
ness are you imp" Il am organizing
new labor party" ''Well, that beats
glycerine. "-Lincoln Journal.
A lady whose husband had a severe
cold, recommended f1axseed lemonade?
'Huh" he said, irascibly, "a man
can't have cold without everybody
suggesting some fool remedy. I'll
send for doctor. So the doctor came,
charged the sick man So for the visit,
and advised fiaxseed lemonade.-Nea0
York San.
"Will you remember me, dear, when
I am gomez" asked the sick man.
Eyes, john" replied the stricken
wife, "and l will see that your grave
is kept green, and all that will
you marry again?" Il can never love
any one but you, John, and if | do
marry again he will have to have
money. "-Nea0 York San.
John" said his wife. ''don't you
spend more than you ought for lunches
downtown? can't understand how
it is that the money slips away as it
doesw mo, my dear, eat hic)
free-lunch nearly every day" "Wen,
l wish you would give up free-lunches,
John. They cost you more than we
can afford. "-Nea0 York Sun.
''My family is very ancient re-
marked an English tourist in Ohio.
1T dates back to the crusades." $50
does mine," replied the Buckeye.
ssMy mother was a crusader herself.
| And what noble stand they made