St. Landry democrat., 1887-12-10

profession responsibly, although it was a
| tradition that he had once been a great
drunkard; misled as easily as he was recov-
cred and set upon his feet, he neither fell
very far nor arose very notably.
! The same fierce, imperative spreers who
| fierce and moody spell Of reform and
! reformed Tommy Downes for familiar fellow
ship!
Come, Tommy, and sign the pledge and
be Jonadab, you little fool p
"He-he-hih p would be Tommy's way of
| taking reproof, and he would wipe his glasses
and show his teeth, and sign genially, like
one who had started the suggestion.
For some time he took the name of 'Min-
ME Downes, because he was SO small. But
finally he became known as "Unimportant"
Downes, because he had insensbly conferred
the name upon himself and also because it
seemed to fit him exactly.
The of his receiving this name was
his appreciation Of an old, old joke
The Geographic correspondents at Wash
ington, when a sensational or not very prob
able statement had been published by some
uncertain member of their guild, or gotten
up in the editorial office at a distance and
fathered on the Washington correspondent,
had way of studying the matter and sum-
ming it up as:
Highly unimportant, if true!"
This was by-play on the oft-printed black
headline:
HIGHLY IMPORTANT, IF DRUE!'
The mediocre, unillustrative mind of
Tommy Downes received abundant soace
from this paragraph:
''He-he.hihf Rih Hin! He-he-he! Hin
Hin He-kle, hih-kle, kil-kle He-he!
This was Tommy very longest laugh, the
eventful expression of his life.
After that he always read brilliant de-
scription, or sustained narrative, or bold
bit of invective from nervous, indomitable
writer with surprise, not skeptical nor
satirical, but with the prosaic encomium:
Highly unimportant. if truen'
1t survived in his small vocabulary the
date in which it was current and so another
generation Of correspondents dubbed him:
"UnimpOrtant DoWnes."
This he took rather as a compliment, and
lsh of praise. he would go off un offendedly-
"He-he-hih ~
Unimportant Downes could have given no
great trouble to his progenitors to bring him
into this world, for he hardly weighed 12O
pounds, and might have been the offspring
of cousins who were without the adventure
or enterprise to go outside of the family
circle.
His eyes were f1attish, and therefore re-
quired to be convened by pair of specta-
cles, which he had worn from his child
hood up.
For man born for spectacles," said the
hard newspaper commentator, Enoch
Grimm, you re the worst descriptive writer,
Downes ever knew Of"
subject of this witticism, ''and highly unim-
portant if true!''
To tell the truth, there was defect some
where barely noticeable in Unimportant
Downes' palate, which took away all the
dignity of tone such as small man might
otherwise possess to advantage; his speech
was of what Newspaper Row called the
''squeesicks," kind, because it settled down
between his cheeks and his tonsils, and
sounded unessentially decisive without car
rying any influence. No man could get off
sentence Of no import with more nervous
force, or be so barren of rejoinder on great
occasion, except to add:
Highly unimportant, if true'
This rejoinder lost Tommy Downes the
great opportunity of his life when Bonanza
the rich senator from Nevada, came to Wash
ington, having bought his way in and mar
ried another mans wife, all by act of the
same legislature
Bonanza observed to Enoch Grimm that,
under the circumstances, he should like to
have secretary who could influence the
press.
1t occurred to Grimm that some enemy
of his might get the place-and he construed |
all his equals to be his enemies-unless he |
recommended little Downes. So he said:
BONANZA, there is man here who has |
been on the press since the deluge-one |
Downes. He'll suit you'
'FiRst name?' inquired Bonanza.
"Oh! Why-H. l. Downcs. That's why |
we call him Highly Unimportant. Highly, !
you observe"
"Ill take n. I. Downes," said Bonanza |
land pay him my whole salary"
So when Tommy Downes appeared, Bo- !
nanza recited little speech to the following