News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-11-10
TO CHOOSE A WIFE.
The Author Knew Very Little About
1t.

Some doctor of divinity wrote a book
| entitled elbow to Choose q Wife The
rules that the dear old man laid down
would work we'll in buying c, Christmas
| turkey, but the essayist knew little oil
| the intricacies of female character or he
would have realized how easy it was to
simulate the attributes which he con-
sidered necessary for perfect wife.
| Tenderness is one of the virtues that
any stony-hearted cOquette can affect.
The ancient divine had evidently waited
for a lady to dress, for he mentioned the
desirability of expedition in matters of
the toilet. I once knew q girl who
would go to her room at two o'clockand
make every preparation for elegant
street attire-all but putting on her hat.
That was because at five o'clock she was
going to drive with an ancient adOrer
whom she wanted to catch. Over all
her paraphernalia she put a touching
loose wrapper. William Henry would
arrive.
ooh my goodness !" would cry the
deceitful fair one, 81 didn't dream it
was so late, but I'll be ready in one min
ute"
Then, to the surprise and delight of
the gentleman, she would return in no
time, putting on her gloves, and he
would subsequently tell his friends that
no girl who ever lived could dress as
quickly as his Mary Ann. He married
her, and during the honeymoon he dis
covered the fraud. The crimping of the
expeditions dresser's hair was the bust
ness of an hour.
"Beware of the girl who speaks dis
respectfully to her mother, or harshly
to her little brother" says Pa Penta-
cost. Mr.. Beau must board in the fam
lily to get at the true inwardness of
Maria temper.
''Mother, dear, won't you step here n
minute, please p sings out the gentle
daughter, and when the weary old lady
shuts the door on the admiring swain,
who sucks his cane on the parlor sofa,
he doesn't hear the sweet girl say:
s'Now, if you haven't ironed mo q
collar YOU lust run down stairs as quick
as YOU know how. The idea of my hav-
ing to wait, when you knew he was COM
ing. You'd provoke a saint"
Then the gentle sister says to little
Tommy, before company: 'Here, you
blessed baby, come with sissy and get
some cookies, and she finishes the SEN
tence in the pantry: CHOW choke your
self you little beast. If you dare come
into the parlor again this evening, FIJI
take your ears off the minute Mr.. Pratt
goes away" and Tommy steals around
and begs Deacon Pratt never to leave
the premises, as his life depends on his
staying.
If I were a young man seeking life
partner I would introduce the girl of
my heart to score of actors. l would
give her Irritating proclivities plenty of
room. 1t is an awful thing for man
to marry and then learn that his pretty
little wife will sit beside him and smile
and firt with Tom, Dick, and Harry, as
I see them in theatres and cars, concerts
and congregations. It is a good plan
to examine Maria mother pretty close
ly in many ways before committal. The
condition of the old lady will let you
into the treatment she has received, and
if YOU want to know how your Dulcinea
will pan out in ten or twenty years from
date, inspect the exterior of Mrs. Del
Tobosa.
''Beauty is but skin deep" but, alas !
mankind is more given to top dressing
than to the solid treasures beneath the
surface, and the pretty, frivolous girls
chances are ten to one against that ex-
cellent woman who has cross eyes. A
friend of mine was engaged to fine
looking girl, whose peculiar formation
of face was condoned by the freshness
of youth and the glow of health. The
lady's mother was in the country, but
one day she got home, and jeremiah
lifted up his voice in lamentation. The
projecting chin of his lady love, with
the bewitching dimple, was horrible
jaw to contemplate on the mother-in-
law. The aquiline and delicate nose of
the fair girl was formidable to anticipate
as poked into his domestic arrange
ments.
ssShe's a terror" said he me. ''She
looks like a nut cracker. To think of
that nose and chin on the next pillow
for the best of my life
I am fully prepared for breach of
promise suit against jeremiah, but if
the old lady testifes in person, any
twelve men will bring in Jeremiah justi
fable