davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23
Tho Calmest Liar in Creation.
JCincinnati Commercia,l

Cincinnati Commercially
The calmest liar in creation is little
twenty-tive-cent thermometer on a frigid
morning. In its deliberate way of telling
an incredible story it beats the weather
philosopher who remembers the cold
winter of 1916. No one will believe it ex.
cept it's owner but the fidelity with which
he stands by his thermometer, when COM
pairing notes with his neighbors. is beauti
ful to observe
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23
" Consumption Cure"

would be truthful name to give to DR..
Pierce's "Golden Medical Discovery" the
most efficacious medicine yetdiscovered for
arresting the early development of pulmo-
nary disease. But consumption cure'
would not sufficiently indicate the scope OF
many diseases which spring from de-
rangement of the liver and blood the " Dis
coveryn is a safe and sure specific Of all
druggists.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

PRIcKLY ASH BITTERs is an unfailing
cure for all diseases originating in hillary
arrangements caused by the malaria Of
miasmatic countries. No other medicine
now on sale will so effectually remove the
disturbing elements, and at the same time
tone up the whole system. 1t is sure and
safe in its action.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

THE advertisement of the old reliable es-
tablishment, The Storrs and Harrison Co.,
gainesville, Ohio, appears in this issue, Of
fering flower and vegetable seeds, roses,
plants, grape vines, fruit and ornamental
trees. They are running one of the most
complete nurseries in the world, and issue
will mail you free, on application. They
have no travelling agents, and are only re-
sponsible for orders sent direct Give them
a trial and save Dealers commissions. They
guarantee satisfaction.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

The sweetest and best-favored
pork in the world is produced on the
island Of Madeira. The hogs there
subsist mainly on fruits, nuts. grass
and roots,
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

JOHN says the gain of his flock Of sheep
may be called wether profit. Good for
eve, John.-Prdirie Farmer.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

How orvxv is the light Of the household
clouded by signs Of melancholy or lrrlta-
bility on the part OF the ladies. Yet they
are not to be blamed, for they are the re-
suit Of ailments peculiar to that sex, which
men knew not Of. But the cause may DC
Pierce'g stFayorite Prescription" which,
as tonic and nervine for debilitated wom-
en-, is certain, safe and pleasant. It IS be-
yond all compare the great healer OF women.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

AN Austin man is trying to make living
by attaching an alarm to the silent watches
of the night.-IeIas Sitti,egs.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

AN exchange observes: :" We owe much
to foreigners, from which we infer that
the editor has not paid his hired girl.-M
y GrGphc.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

THE lost cause-her better half's excuse
for not coming home earlier.-Aerchant
1rasler.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

SUDDEN CHANGES OF WEATHER are pro-
ductive of Throat Diseases, Coughs, CoiaA
etc. There is no moro etfectual reneL ~
nt RpowN,s BRONCHIAL TRoCHEs
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

WHEN you swear of swear on swearing
at the same time, it never will be missed -
PhiladelphiG Call
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

SHE was very pert miss once, but mar
riage tanned her and she IS an expert
Merchant Ird,esr.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

A MAN with the heart-diseasei is about the
only chap who desires regular beat" for
bosom friend.-Ihe Whip.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

"How DID that man lose his hair, papa!'
.Eating pie, my dear. He's pie bald."-'
N Y Journal
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

IF afflicted with Sore Eyes use DR.: Isaac
Thompson's EyeWater. Druggists sell t.S5c
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

AN open winter has novisible connection
with open doors, but they seem to travel in
company. Philadelphia CaN.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

EXPLOSIONS Of Coughing. are stopped by
Ha,e's Honey of Horehound and Tar.
P,ke,s Toothache Drops Cure in one minute.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

4 MAN may have great head from
o.rer than intellectual causes. = Bosto"
To;t.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23
A CITY of Beautiful Women.

Detroit, Mich, is noted for its healthy,
handsome ladies, which the leading ply
sicians and druggists there attribute to the
Iron Tonic.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

LIFE is short, but it isn't half so short as
some men are all through life. ~ Y. lnde-
Deudeut.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

TuE ink.bottle is one of the most in-dip-
nen.dant things known. Merchant Traveller.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

THERE is no place like home, especially
If IT'S the home Of your Dest eirl-0''
Paul Herald.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

EssNo, SIR he said to the captain, 81 am
not seasick, but am really Disguised with
the motion of this vessel"
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

"SUpDuED snuff " is handsome new
color not to be sneezed at-M Y. Ledger.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

BREAKFAsT-TABLE father of family read
ing)-" There is cat in Manchester that
drinks beer" Daughter (sixteen): "Pa,
she must be Maltese cat!''
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

WHEN a man tumbles head foremost into
q narrow well, it is difficult for him to
draw himself up with dignity. Norristown
Herald.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

"AH, see new star in Orion!n OBJ
served Mr.. Snaggs. "Orion!" repeated
Mrs. Snaggs; 81 have never seen that
play, think. It'd Bits.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

VERY young people show their age. Tho
old ones know how to hide tn. 0. Pied
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

WHAT is the difference between q dude
and his bootsa One is calf skin and the 9th.
pr is calls kin. Danyik Rrsszs,
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23
Ipture. Breach. or Hernia.

Rupture, Breach. or Hernia,
permanently cured or no pay. The worst
cases guaranteed. Pamphlet and references,
10 cents in stamps. Worlds Dispensary
Medical Association, 663 Main ST., Buffalo,
NJ "
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

THE Household says the coming girl will
walk five miles day She will be sure te
get here then.-LoueM Courier.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

TEEY say onions will produce sleep. They
are strong enough to produce something. -
New Hauen Nems.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

A PROMISING writer-the giver Of prom
issory note.
The Louisiana Democrat., 1887-02-23

When they went back to Earlingford
on the banks of the Ohio, they found
that fire had licked up the old house
on the hillside. Either from the en-
bers John Earling left upon the decay
ing hearth, or by the entrance of
some wanderer, it had passed into
smoke upon the morning that the
Young man said adieu to it.
The land, twelve hundred acres in
extent. and that which had accrued
from grazing it, brought fifty thousand
dollars; the property that Lawyer
Woodman begueathed John Earring
brought fifteen thousands more; the
first sum they made their own, the
second passed ints hands that needed
it, and all that has ever come to them,
above that first sufficient sum, has fol-
lowed on the same sweet. grateful road
to those whose lives were better for it.
Why shouldn't it? They have enough!
millions have not! We're it not best?
Is it not beautiful? Is there aught that
louder cries, or calls with more heart
broken voice, for justice and for succor
than mans own fellow-man? Is there
in all the world such another need as
the evening up of mans material foot
ing? Can it come by else than honest
living and honest giyingP They saw
no other present way; but whether
their sight were clear, their philosophy
true, their method just. their spirits
great, !, who have felt the sweetness
Of their bounty, leave to the gentle
heart and clearer head of him who
THE END.l
The Press., 1887-02-10
tPrepared for The Press.l THINGS WORTH KNOWING.

Italian proverbs =
 The unfortunate know who are thei real friends.
 One enemy is too many, and 8 hundred friends are too few.
 Among men of honor 8 word is a bond.
 No one ever became poor through giv | ing alrns
 It is easy to give advice when all gosi well.
 Empty vessels make the most noise. Goose The tailors' smoothing iron The plural of this is gooses.
 Camel.-The ordinary load of a camel ii from nine to ten hundred weight. The speed of the animal carrying this burder IS about two and half miles an hour The average day's journey is from thirty to thirty five miles.
 Grecian Bend: This is notsa new term it was used in the aEtoniauv more than half century ago, as the following extrac Eshows:: "In person he was of common Esize, with something of the Greciaya bend contracted doubtless from sedentary hab its. "
 Granite-So called because composed o grains of various minerals firmly compact ed together
 Hate.-Perhaps the finest definition of { word ever given is that of the word hate by Chaucer, in the ''Persones' Tale Hate is olde wrathe.
 Herodians. The sect so called in the New Testament was composed of Jews who believed that Herod was the Messiah because "when the sceptre departed from Judah" he was declared king by 8 deere, of the Roman senate
 Pane (of glass; is contraction of thu word panel
 Ramble This word is derived from inc Latin perGnabuEo, to wander.
 Saucy.- Photographers usually deriv. this word from the Latin s0lsaLs, salt, pung ent, sharp. Mir. Fox Talbot thinks tha as the Latin supercitiuna, from which wt get supercilious, means an eyebrow, sc our word 'tsaucy" may have been derived from the French sourcil, which also means an eyebrow.
 Saws were invented by Daedalus Pliny Apollodorus, however, ascribes their in troduction to Talus, who having found the iaw-bone of a snake, employed it to cu through piece of wood, aud then formed an instrument of iron of the same shape Saw mills are known to have been in ust in Madeira as early as A. ID. 1490. They became general in England about the close of the 18th century.
The Press., 1887-02-10
gaamyaa9sa ass5d MO ACCIDENTAL Discovery OLD woMAN's REMEDY

Dr. R. c. Flowers Liver and Stomach San ative is no accidental discovery, no old grand. mothsrs remedy, but is the culmination of the npest scholarship, the crowning work ot years of profund study, and an experience sxtending over the largest private practice ever enjoyed by an American physician. This medicine has radically cured many } thousaAd of cases where hope had almost vanished, and life was continued torment before it was placed upon the market. Every one can now be cured of dyspepsia, liver complaints, and general debility at 6 nominal cost. For sale by all druggists. Only $l.O0 bottle
The Press., 1887-02-10

JUDGE GRAY's STARTLING QUESTION Agent Barrett of the American compa- ny's Chicago office tells very funny story about Judge Gray of the supreme court bench of Iowa. "I don't know Judge Gray myself, says Mir. Barrett, "but I hear he .is a very estimable gentleman, though one likely to get excited, and say harsh things when matters in which he happens to be greatly interested go wrong. As for the truth of the story, it was told me by well-known Methodist minister of Iowa, so have every reason to believe in it. Some years ago Judge Gray was oall- ed to Colorado by the death there of rel- ative, who had in vain sought better health iu the mountains. On the way back with the body transhipment was necessary at Council Bluffs. Judge Gray purchased tickets for Iowa Oity, and ak- tended to the checking of the coffin box in regular form. Then he retired to his berth in the sleeper for a nights rest At 4:30 next morning the porter reused him to dress, ss Iowa City was but few miles away. The judge had not slept well, and the early rising did not help to put him in good humor. He was feeling anything but cheerful when he stepped upon the platform at Iowa City, and walking to the baggage office, found that the body of his relative was not there.
 "'No body came this morning, unid the agent.
 Judge Gray was furious. He was too full for utterance, and, without utterine one word, he walked to the telegraph of- flee, seized pen, dashed of dispatch to the baggage agent at Council Bluffs, and thrust it through the window at the as- tonished operator. It was this:
 "'Where in hell is my mother-in-law 2'" l-ChScdgo Herald. l sHi.
The Press., 1887-02-10
gDR. HOLLIS, MANTLE WOULDN'T FIT.

I e sIt is not the length of friendship that counts 1t is the thickness. This struck nee as most of my sayings do, as being uncommonly neat so ] sprung it on the company aprOpoS o1 nothing in particular at the first pause.
 Every body stopped eating and looked al me, as I hoped they would but the young man they call Bill, said in q loud, and as it seemed to me, disreapectful voice
 'Rata,"
 ssSir. said I 1: s'Iam gratifed with your remark. Independently considered, it lacks point and pertinence; but it gives me just the opport tGnity to monopolize the conversation that have been laying pipes ] for. it
 'sSuch words are tho bindgeons of repar- tee. They have neither point, nor edge, nor brightness. They require neither skill in handling, nOrsrenGth. Yet with them many good joke has been knocked on the head. fs
 vsThe word chestnut is the condensed reproof that intellectual poverty opposes to ostsntatiOus wealth of wit. It is the false measure by which conscious imbes cility strives to dwarf the attituds of hum- orons flight Chestnnts are-"s
 Five cents qn9rf, said the old gen. tleman opposite,
 Everybody laughed at this deliberate ldegradatioD of my theme, and some one said < sIsff
 t'Go get club.
 This gave me fresh start.
 s''The club is the weapon with which men of leisure kill time. es EYE
 My friend, the professor, says that the word sclnb, sthe nearest synonym that Ahe language of the great tribe of bachelors possesses for 'home.'' The dominating in- fluence of home is love; in the bachelors translation it is self love. B ''The hospitality of club is co-opera- tive Every member is not only the guest, but the host of all his fellows. This in- wolves the exercise of 50 numerous and complicated list of virtues that--''
 Here discover that ana all alone with my luncheon.
 Strange e-itnever worked this way with Dr Holmes. @
The Press., 1887-02-10

''Come in, my poor man," said 8 beneyo. lent lady to a ragged tramp, "and will gel you something to eat"
 ssThanky, mum; don't care if do."
 'Isuppose," continued the lady, setting g square meal before him, your life has been l full of trials p''
 ssYis, mum !; an the wust of it wuz I allus got convicted. .-Jndge.
 FREE TRADE.-The reduction of internal revenue and the taking off of revenue stamps from Proprietary Medicines no doubt has largely benefited the consumers, as well as relieving the burden of home ma ufacGurers. Especia ly is this the case with Greens sugust 1 Flower and Boschee's German Syrup, as the freduction of thirty-six cents per dozen, has lheen added to increase the size of the bottles containing these remedies, thereby giving one-fifth more medicine in the 75 cent size. The August Flower for D spepsia and Liver Complaint, and the German Syrup for Cough and Lung Troubles, have, perhaps, the largest Isale of any medicines in the world. The ad- vantage fl increased size Of the bottles will be greatly appreciated by thesick and af1ict- ed, in every towns and village ii civilized countries. Sample bottle for 10 cents remain the same size. .sx tssIt is reported that a widow in Oak and, Gal has sued newspaper for libel because in it's obituary notice of her husband it spoke of his having gone 70 a happier home" DRUNKENNESS, or LIQUOR HABIT, can be CURED by administering DR. HAYNES GOLDEN fSpEc1rro It can be given in a cup of coffee or tea without the knowledge of the person aking it, effecting. speedy and permanent cure, whether the patient is a moderate drink 1 CT or an alcoholic wreck. Thousands of drunkards ! have been made temperate mon who have taken the Golden Specific in their coffee without their know edge and to-day believe they quit drinking of thes own free will. No harmful affects results from tr administration. Cnres guaranteed. Send for clrcu- EN SPECIFIC Co, 1s5 Race St., Cincinnati. Ohio.
The Press., 1887-02-10

Mrs. Annie Sherwood Hawks, the au. thor of 'T Need Thee Every Hour" re- sides in modest brick house on St. Marks avenue in Brooklyn. She is middle-aged lady, has strong motherly face, and her dark brown eyes sparkle when engaged in animated conversation.
 Mrs. Hawks wrote the hymn which has gained such popularity in June, 1872, but thought so little of it's merit that she filed 1t away in an old portfolio, where 1t re- mained until one evening, when Rev. Robert Lowry, a writer of hymns, learned of it's existence during visit to the house of Mrs. Hawks. til 4tta t3
 'sLet me read it, said the doctor
 His request was granted, and he im- mediately recognized It's superior merit. After earnest solicitation permission was granted by the author to emhody it in Dr. Lowry's volume of shymns. "The Royal Diadem, then about Go be published.
 The sucoess of the hymn was instan- taneous, and it was translated into the Spanish, German aud Italian languages. Several years ago at a notable festival in the Vatican at Rome, it was sung in the presence of the Pope with great effect.
The Press., 1887-02-10

Pat was fresh arrival and had obtained situation in hotel as sort of man of | all work. s.
 sNow, Pal, ]" said the landlord, 'syou see that sign, eGentlemen must use the spit toons. If you notice any of the guests violating that rule I want you to report the matter to me. E ''Oi wull, sor.P' l Pat kept sharp lookout, and after watching gentleman for half an hour he went to him and said: Dye moind the soign forninst the wall, sor ?"
 "Yes. "..
 aWhy don't you observeit thin2
 'sI am not splitting on the carpet, said the gentleman, rather astonished.
 "Oi knaW yer not an' yer not usin' the spittune. nayt ther. sSpet, .ye thafes or Oi'll report yez."
 No matter how far from cities you may be, you need not dread accidenEa CT The1aaatiS1n, if you are supplied with St Jacobs Oil.
 A Harvard professor has made the calcula- tion that if men were really as big as they sometimes feel there would be room in the United States for only two professors, three lawyers, two doctors, and . reporter on a Philadelphia paper. The rest of us would be crowded into the sea and have to swim for it.
The Press., 1887-02-10

Rockville Journal: The Journal de. sires to call public attention to matters in connection with Holland county jail. Un. der the present plan of dealing with prs. oners in that institution it seems almost as though g premium is being offered fol crime There never was so many inmates in the jail as now. Numbers of them are there because the jail is comfortable place to remain during the cold months. months. Several recently discharged pris- oners were out but few hours before they were again conveyed back for slight mis. demeanors at public expense for the ride and for board during their confinement
 1t is well known fact that they deeired to go back to their old quarters and com
 rades. What is their life at the iaila Il
The Press., 1887-02-10

-"Bet dollar it was one of my boys" said a Stafford Springs man on hearing that boy had been carried over the River Mill dam on cake of ice. And it was.
The Press., 1887-02-10
SEWING MAGHINES.
 WHIT E

Over three hundred sold in this town, and every machine giving the best satisfaction. Acknowledged to be the easiest running, most durable, and makes the best work of any ma- chine made
The Press., 1887-02-10

BE YouR 0wN DocroR. .--n won't cost you one half as much. Do not delay. Send three cent stamps for postage, and wo win send you Dr Kaufmann's great work, fine and home cure. Address A. P. Oriway A Co, Boston, Mass.
The Press., 1887-02-10

Dr. Seth Arnolds Cough Killer gives immediate re-
 lief, and cures seyereet coughs, colds, and gnant levers, sore throat asthma &c asc,. Soc, and stoo sizes.
 For coGtiveneas, bounnnsa, haadnnha, and ail few erish habits Dr. Seth Arnod'a Bilious Rn. aSo. Mothera, always use pr. Seth AFnOld'e Soothing and Quieting Cordial for children. mild, safe ton- ic. 2bc tflfu .tH liItf
The Press., 1887-02-10

A bill has been introduced into the Connecticut legislature, making it crime to sell tobacco, in form to chew or smoke, to boys under 16 years of age. This won't work. Boys will get the weed so long as its use is regarded as the sign manual of manhood. The boy of generation ago, anxiously watched for the first indi- cations of beard growth, to indicate that the long waited age of standing dickeys and going home with the girls had come. The boy of to-day presents as his diploma of manhood, his ability to use and enjoy one of the nastiest forms of vegetable growth. No matter what his size if he can expectorate five times in a minute, each time with a resoundiug splash on the floor, Cfor it IS on a floor that he best loves to spitl. he deems that he is no longer to b., regarded as a mere boy, and he is never aysrse to giving evidence of his manhood he likes to do it, in fact Put him in a public hall and he thinks it is @ duty to at once create nasty, brown liquid pools upon the floor. Next to this, he likes 10 make the sidewalks into water courses of mixed saliva and tobacco. Let him be standing on the edge of the curbing, facing the street, and he will invariably turn inward to spit, that nothing may be wasted, and spit often at that. Put up a sign in pub ilc hall requesting him not to spit on the floor, and he deems it only polite move uf the proprietor to save him the trouble of splitting, and his manner ptainly says No trouble at all in fact I'd rather than not" If the comforts and discomforts of the use of tobacco could only be confined to the nsers. But its no use to legislate after such style on the matter, every boy will want to smoke or chew to prove that he is oyer 16 It may work better to en- act that every boy must smoke saatit he is Is. Make smoking into an attribute of extreme youth and let abstinence from the use of tobacco be regarded a sign of maturing years. Try that plan, Messrs. Legislators.
The Press., 1887-02-10
4 GENTLEMAN having ,,,..,s 5, sssa sss.

yous Illustration, Seminal Weakness, Premature Decay, and all the evil ef- feets of early indiscretion and youthful folly is anxious make known to o1heTs the simple m0deof self -cufe. To symptoms, he will send 6ree) by re- turn mail copy of the recipe so suc- ! cessfully used in his case.
 Address inconfidence, JAMES w. z P1NKNEY, 42 Cedar St., N. Y.
The Press., 1887-02-10
NEW HOME.

any praise-always reliable, perfect working, simple in construction.
The Press., 1887-02-10

The three Leading Machines. Sold on small monthly payments, and every machine warranted for five years