The Penn's Grove record., 1887-11-05

| stood at the yestry door chatting X
my vicar and two of my fellow curates
who were making their mystical toilet
within. On q sudden 1 heard q very
sweet girls voice saying, "Oh, I DE-
wish I could make out this window
there should be some one to explain
it," and looking down the church 1 saw
one stout elderly lady and two slim
young ones examining a window OIL
Ananias and Sapphire. / looked again
at the girls, and oh, joyl l recognized
two fair Americans who had appeared
in Oxford during my last term there
and had been the objects Of my passion.
ate and heart stricken devotion. Never
had 1 forgotten them. Cajolery and
intrigue had ono brought me into the
same room with them, but before
could find an opportunity for an intro.
duction they were gone, and / saw
item no more. Now vas my time.
Straight l tripped down the steps Of
the chancel and presented myself before
them like a knight Grant, as / thought,
coming to deliver O distressed maiden.
"You would like to know what the
subject of the window isp" ! asked
blandly. 'It is very old glass and very
quaint; allow me to explain it," and
sailed huently on. Dear mel" cried
the elderly lady presently, when I came
to a pause, ''how Interestingly What
a very happy idea to have the church
shown in this way, and what very nice
choristers there are here; so intelligent
and well behavedp l thought this
rather irrelevant and was puzzled, bat
all praise Of the church just then was
honey to me, and / said complacently,
'Yes, the choir In very good; we take
great pains, and great attention is paid
to Discipline" Why the young ladies
Should have Uttered, or the old lady
have looked so lall-abroad, ] could
not guess; but as people were beginning
to come into church in considerable
numbers l drew toward the chancel
steps, d~iscoursing as l went. and then,
as we reached the chancel gate, ]
paused, intending, before we parted, to
make some allusion to have met them
in oxford. The elderly lady, however,
mistook me. She stopped at the foot
Of the steps, where her head was still
slightly above mine, and bringing her
hand out OF her pocket, where sine had
been fumbling, slipped q half crown
into my palm and said, sthere, my lit
tie man, that will do; you've got it all
very nicely; now I must just give you
one kiss, my DEAR" and with that /,
yes l, was kissed publicly on my own
chancel steps, under my own rood
screen, before the eyes OF my own pas
tor and flock. "Oh, yesi dear little
fellow" cried the young ladies, '.he is
so pert and cunning" and they too
kissed me with great goodwill. l stood
with cheeks and mouth agape, the half
crown still In my hand, watching them
as they complacently ~retreated down
The aisle. Then, when they had disap-
peared, reused by the litter Of ladies
and the outlaws OF my fellow. clergy at
the vestry G0or, Led hastil:Tef@ ssried
my bushes among thS 40 anu
surplIces Of the vestry.
1t was useless to remain In that par
ish. The conduct Of the congregation
next Sunday, when / stepped forth to
read the lesson, proved that to demon
stration. Of curse such a story had
spread like wildGre. The church was
crammed, and when in reading abou.
David, who was ''ruddy and wlthal Of
a beautiful c~ountenance " / came to
the words, "Look not on his counte-
nance or on the height OF his STATURE"
there arose such a stihed laughter as
sounded like the wind among dry
leaves. / stopped short. consumed with
shame and mortlEe6sso Unable to see
the book for tears, and then, WIN an
astuteness I did not know / possessed,
iudicio asly tainted away and was borne
out like a child in the arms OF the
basso blacksmith.
1t was a skillful stroke and might
have retrieved me, but I could not
brook to remain there longer. BY the
assistance Of the a~rchdeacon and the
consent of the bishop, who tried hard
not to laugh while lie gave 1t, I was
transferred to another county. But
though no like blow fell on me there. /
saw the attempt was useless. Did 1 60
to school to catechise or exhort the
boys, my presence was the signal for
disorder. As a matter OF course my
authority was disregarded. Girls chat
ted under my nose, boys extracted from
dirty brooches pockets pegtOps and
toffee before my very eyes, and ave
looked to me- for encouragement. and if
the master was forced to come to the
rescue and cane a lad, the ingenious
youth would appeal to me, with an air
that said as plain as words, "Come, you
know what alley-tors arep Why don't
you put q stop to this grown up tyr
annyp Have you no fellow feelingsp"
AT baptisms mothers refused to let me
oficiate upon the brawling infant,
vowing s'they weren't agoln' to let that
theer careless boy play no tricks with
that blessed baby.n My m~inistrations
provoked hilarity at funerals, and once
an irate virago, with whom l vas ex-
postulatIng on the wickedness OF her
ways, soused me nick and crop, clerical
hat and all. into her soapsuds and
washtub.
With much pain / dropped my holy
calling. Marriage and a literary life
absorbed some years. Istrove-heaven
knows how earnestly-to correct the
vice of my appearance, but the more l
advanced in life the more absurd mat
tiers grew. Occasionally glimpses of
hope only proved delusive and plunged
me back again into a darker despair.
Ii l have tried one patent infallible
whisker producer j have tried twenty.
/ have been a mine of wealth to bar
bers. Fluids that would make an elm
plank shaggy simply make my cheeks
look chapped. Many a time have !
gone to rest daubed with pomade, only
to find In the morning that 1t had fed
from my chin IN the night to seek a
more hopeful ground on the pillow.
Once a slight downy efaorescence made
its appearance under my jaw. and for
days | was almost delirious with Joy,
and walked the streets with my chin
in the air to show my manly beard.
Alasl like Jonah's gourd, it wlthered in
one night, as it grew. Suddenly 1t
dropped of and left my face hairless as
the sole of my foot. At40 / still looked
like IA.
But though 1 looked as IL time had
stood still with me, in fact it has made
as good haste as with other folks. My
wife is half as tall again as l. and twice
as heavy. When I give her my arm
she puts her fingers into my armpit,
and people are ceasing to take hey for
nv mother and think lam her grNnd-