Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-03-23
A Jammed Man.

A Jammed Man.
You have seen people who seemed
to ache all over to make some one un-
happy? Just such an old curmud-
geon was on the train the other day
when it stopped at st. Thomas, and a
bridal couple entered our car. We
all knew it was bridal couple, be-
cause there were friends down to see
'em of, and the bride and groom stood
there and received the congratulations
for four or FIVE minutes. The bride
looked bit older than the groom,
and the minute the old curmudgeon
noticed this he slid over and planked
himself in the seat ahead Of them,
and after a minute or two turned and
said:
beg pardon, but can you tell me
who's funeral that was back there ?"
"Why, there was no funeral !" ex-
claimed the bride in answer.
"Oh / thought there was" he
said in dry, sarcastic way, and he
pretended to read his paper for three
or four minutes before turning again
with:
care you taking your son to the
seashore, ma'ami I"
"No, sir. This is my husband !"
"Oh, it is ? I'd never have suspect
ed i'll"
Then he went on for quarter of
and hour telling about farm he own
ed in Canada, and then suddenly in
quired:
"Young man, I'd like to have you
and your aunt 60 and see the farm
and make me an offer for it,"
The bridal couple turned white and
red and let 60 hands for a moment,
while the old curmudgeon changed
the subject and began talking about
Niagara Falls.
Ever been there ?" he asked.
Both shook their heads.
"I'd advise you to stop off if you
have time. It's grand sight. |
suppose, though, you want to arrive at
Buffalo at the same time with the
body. What did he die of, Ma'am p
"I-I don't understand you!" she
stammered in a painful way.
"Oh, beg pardon, Il somehow got it
in my head that you had been to a
funeral, or were going to one, or some
such thing g?'
He then related the particulars of
smashup on the road in which he
had an arm broken and his wife was
killed, and added:
"The case is in court yet, but I've
lost my marriage certificate and can't
prove that she was my wife and don't
expect to get any damages. think
/ understood you to say, ma'am, that
you had been married fourteen years."
"Oh, no no sir"
BEG pardon, but perhaps it is only
nine or ten. What l was going to
say was that you ought to sacredly
preserve the certificate. / suppose
you have it with your"
Bride and groom looked at each
other in CONSERVATION. The document
hadn't been thought Of in their hurry
and happiness.
"Was reading of a case the other
day." placidly continued the old
wretch, "where a hotel.keeper had
couple sent to prison for two years be-
cause they could not show a marriage
certificate"
The bride turned 50 red that it
seemed as if she would sufocate, and
the groom so white that his ears look
ed like new blotting pads. That was
the last straw. Five or six of us had
been holding an indignation meeting
few seats back, and our delegate.
who had whipped his seventh man in
the prize ring, now went forward and
whispered in the old curmudgeon's
left ear:
Say, mister man, you let that
couple alone or I'll break your neck
This thing has been carried far
enough"
"Certainly--certainly," said old
meanness, as he got up. Excuse me,
ma'am-and you, bub-and if you
should have any trouble with the
corpse in Buffalo, don't fail"
The delegate choked him off there
and took him to the last seat in the
car and jammed him down and warn
ed him to stay jammed, and such looks
&C ral;af otnlo oyav The c,co. sc H.