Springfield daily republic. [volume] (Springfield, O. [Ohio]) 1887-1888, 1887-12-31

the town and that too many people are COM
ing here without getting permit from you.
it is a bad practice to lean on the shoulder Of
a lady who is not acquainted with you while
you sleep OF your drunk. for she might have
to leave the car suddenly when she gets to
her station and thus thoughtlessly perhaps
break your neck.
,Some of the above Donts are suggested to
my mind as go along)
Don't try TO blow the breerh pin out Of an
old gun unless you have . very strong g'breath
and more brains than you require for ordi
nary business purposes.
Don't try to wrench loose the tail Of An in
furiated lion because you see it hanging out
Of his cage They are putting the tails ON
lions this year more securely than ever, and
he has the right to wear it outside his cage
also. if it is more becoming that way.
DR. Valentine SAYS: Don't allow . meal
to pass without Joke between each mouth
fu,n This will enhance the value Of Ameri-
can humor to . great degrceL Dinner will
move along something like this: Mouthful
of soup-"Did you ever see horse hy. Hal
ha,- Mouthful Of bread-"I think that the An
archists ought to Austriasi1ed. He! he!" Bite
Of celery-"How did Eve get into the Garden
of Edeni Give it up. Got in by Adams Ex-
press wish!- Great laughter. More bread
and silent mastication-"How did she get
out! Give it upi Got maked out" Screams
Of mirth, fakes Of laughter and bread crumbs
pervading the air. Nouthful OF roast duck
reminds domestic humorist Of something.
"Do you know Why . duck goes into the
waterr Large gobs Of silence and moro
pensive eating Domestic humorist answers
it himself as follows: For divers reasons"
More bread, ice water and general good feel
ing. why docs be come outr' No answer,
and no sound but tsit Of an old joke under
the table cracking its knuckles and getting
ready to spring out and hit its heels together.
"For sun dry purposes exclaims the ready
and brainy man, looking casually At . men,
orandum on his cuff.
More dinner, and then why does be 60 in
againr Nothing can Be heard but the Low
rumble Of q thinker, perhaps, As it Erapples
with the great problsmL ITO liquidate his
bill.- Yells Of laughter, screams Of delight
and astonishing feass Of digestion promoted
bv mirth. "And Why does hs again como
outr More thought and massicatioa, then
the gastric Jester says: ITO mako . little run
IN the hank, :" and amid . general shower Of
vest buttons and wads Of mirth - big -
hickory nuts the genial, all around tonic hu-
morist and joy promoter goes on. Pleasant
little dinner parties one Of these days will
telephone for . caterer or marshal OF the day
70 inquire what will be the price per plate at
his place, including appetizer dinner. wine,
fruit. dessert, finger bowls, cigars, toothpicks
and Hygienic Humorist.
Brethren Of the American pres, the hour
of our emancipation is At hand. The time is
rapidly approaching when Little Tom Tucker
may joke for his supper. Avant pumpkins
on subscription! Avast there muskrat pelts
for paw locals, Adieu thou ecouomical party
that seekest to win the Endorsement Of the
press by laying . double yolk egg on our
table with q wild cackle Of delight. for We
see our opportunity looming up in the dis
.ancet-New York World