News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-07-07
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
STRAY BITS OF HUMOR FOUND
IN OUR EXCHANGES.
Naming the Baby-His WatCh-The
Student-Fecding Tramps = No
Poppy for Him-Thc Shears
Odds and Ends, etc.

Poppy for Him-The Shears
odds and Ends, etc.
NO ssPoPPY' FOR HIM.
A Montana girl came East aud at
tended fashionable boarding school for
q year. On her return she flew into her
fathers arms, gasping out:
ooh, papa! How is mamma and"
The old Montanian retreated until he
had backed up against the depot; then
he shook one horny finger warningly
toward the returned 'Sadie, and said:
"Don't you go for to calling me
poppy and your mann 'mommy, Sary
Jane. We won't hev it! Dad an
mann was good enough for We when ye
left home, an it's good enutf now that
we've come home. Bar that in mind,
Sary Jane, an don't poppy me again,
OF I'll take brush to ye.''
THE KINDLY LANDLORD.
Landlord-Good morning. Glad to
see you trimming the lawn. | have
notion to reduce your rent.
Tenant-That would be appreciated.
But [ was not trimming the lawn. I was
gathering few plantain leaves. They
make fair green's for poor man.
Landlord-Do you mean to say that
you are supplying your table from this
yard?
Tenant-Just little.
Landlord-Dear, dear. It grieves
me to have to raise the rent, but you
know yourself that no garden truck is
mentioned in the lease. Omaha Herald.
SHE SAW IT.
Miss Sawyer, who is poor, was intro
duced at lunch party to Miss Taylor,
who is rich, and was coldly received.
Miss SAWYER is bright, and knows her
own antecedents and Miss Taylor's also.
She was unabashed, and spoke cheerily:
"I'm so glad to meet you. I've often
wanted to. It's so frnny-my name is
Sawyer and my grandfather was tailor,
and your name is Taylor and your
grandfather was a sawyer. Mine used
to make clothes for yours, and yours
used to saw wood for mine. ."-Eymira
Gazette.
EACH TOOK HALF.
'Do YOU understand about notes of
hand?" asked one of the market white
washers of stand-l1eeper the other day.
81 think So"
"Wall, [ had feller's note for 500.
1t amt due till de list of July, but las
mite he paid me half of it.
"And you indorsed the amount on the
back of the note?"
81 did, heyl Was dat de way to do?"
"Of course. How did you do?"
''Cut de note in two an gin him half"
Detroit Free Press.
FEEDING TRAMPs.
81 don't believe in feeding tramps at
the door," said Mrs. Crimsonbeak
sEYou feed them once and they are sure
to come back" 'tWell, I don't know"
replied Mrs. Yeast; 81 always give them
bread when they come to my door, and
[ can't say that [ ever knew tramp to
come the second time ''Oh, well, Mrs.
Yeast, you make your own bread, do
you not?" This was all that was said,
and yet Mrs. Yeast went down the street
like a straw hat on a windy day Yon-
kers Statesman.
HAD TO KEEP THE WATCH GOING.
The attention of the passengers in a
Texas smoking car was riveted on a
strangely acting negro. He rocked him
self from side without ceasing. "'What's
the matter with you ?" asked Andy
Faulkner, who was in the car. "Does
yer know Dan McGary 2" ''Of course
I do" ''Well, sab, he sold me silber
watch for twenty dollars, continued the
negro, still swaying from side to side,
''and eff [ stops movin' dis heah way de
watch don't go no noah. "-Teras Sift-
ings.
THE WAY OF THE WICKED WORLD.
Subscriber-You give altogether too
much space in your paper to reports of
crimes and moral delinquencies. How
much better would it be for you to re-
cord instances of scrupulous honesty
and exemplary rectitude!
Editor-I agree with you. 1t would
be better. But our readers wouldn't be-
lieve the stories We're true. They'd
swear that we evolved them from our
inner consciousness short, that we
faxed them.-BOst0n Transcript.
CURIOUS MISUNDERSTANDING.
Mr.. DeGallante-"Isn'ts she charming
to-night?"
Miss DeBeauty "Shes perfectly
lovely. Why don't you go talk to her2"
81 can't get chance"
''She is alone"
"Alone! She is surrounded by admir-
ers''
"Oh, you mean that Miss Pert l
thought you were referring to that dear
little white-haired old lady in the cor
ner. "-Omah@ Fo51d.
AN OvER-zEALOUs STUDENT.
Mrs. De Garmo-I understand your
son is quite sick at college, Mrs.
Smythe?
Mrs. Smythe-Yes. Poor John The
President writes me that he entered into
his work with too much ardOr, and he
has broken down.
Mrs. De Garmo-What seems to be |
the nature of his trouble?
Mrs. Smythe-He was hit on the head |
by foul ball, [ believe they call it.
.sHAkY.
Housed hunter (to agents clerk)-But |
this house faces due north. Mr.. Smart |
told me it had southern exposure.
Clerk-Did he? Well, am sure he
thought he was telling the truth. He's |
not the man to deceive anybody. You
see, he is patriot, that's what he is.
He knows no North and no South, and, |
between you and me, l suspect he's a
trife shaky on East and West.-B0st0n
Transcript
THE TASTE.
One negro called to another.
"Come ovah yur, Jim"
"Waf'ur?"
SCOT suthin' good"
"What is it,"
"Pollyna1is watah."
'tPooh, watah!"
"'S good, though
"Wha's taste like 2"
'Like yer foot's asleep. "-Ahanta
C0nStjtuti0H.
THE SHEARS.
''It seems to me-" observed DeCarp, |
"that the recording angel must have
pretty easy time of it nowadays.
'How so?" asked his wife.
"Simply because if man does any
thing good or bad it gets into the news
papers.
"WelI, what of that?"
"Why, all the angel has to do is to
go over his exchanges with a pair of
shears"
A REASONABLE PRICE.
Customer Ito Boston bartender) r)-How
is it you charge me fifteen cents for
whisky, while the gentleman who just
went out only paid ten cents
Bartender-You called for the best
whisky!
Customer-Yes; but the liquor was