davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Not AlfO~ether EriendleSs

The small child is to the front again He
had been naughty. The naughtiness of
youth and the naughtiness of age are widely
different.
IF you do that nobody will love you," the
tender mother told him.
''Tain't SO. l know one who'll like me,n he
answered.
"Who."
''Satan. He likes the bad ones. San
Francisco Chronicle.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Mistake of Identify.

Omaha Man-Do you intend to lecture in
Omaha?
Eastern Stranger-Lectures
eyes, you lecture, don't you, or perhaps
you only writeW
81 am not lecturer or an author, sir. /
am manufacturer of car stoves.n
"Oh! l beg your pardon. My friend
Blinks must have made mistake. He told
me you were noted cremationist Omaha
World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Uses of Parties,

Omaha Boy-Pop, are political parties good
for anythingl
Wise Citizen-Indeed they are, my boy.
Good citizens would be badly off if it wasn't
for the political parties. They are controlled
by certain men that we all know.
"Oh, yes. And then when these men make
the nominations you know who to vote for?o
mo, indeed. We know who to vote
against t'-Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Health Resorts.

Iirst Doctor-Busyl
Second Doctor-Yes, almost worked to
death.
$50 am /. 1t will be two months before
the people returning from their health get
ting trips Will quit sending for the doctors"
That's fact. If it wasn't for these health
resorts we would have to go out of business" )"
Texas Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Wonders of Nature and Art.

American Tourist-Oh, yes, oui, oui, Wis
tied Paree, of course.
Great Traveler-Did you see the Alps?
"Vell, no."
"There is a remarkable echo in the High
Alps. /. is on the italian side, and no mat
ter what language you shout the echo always
comes back with an Italian accent"
"Eh? Is eet not wonderfulp
swell, scientists agree that it is not more
wonderful than the fact that Americans who
have been in Paris week always come back
with French accent. ."-Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
A Profound Reflection.

Grandpa" inquired Johnny Bliss, "must
everybody die!'
eyes, my child. Every one in this world
must die when his time comes"
"Welr'-long pause-"what I'd like to
know is, who'll bury the last manF'-Detroit
Free Press.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
What the Book Saws.

Amateur Actress (rehearsing)-You must
not say ''exit" when you retire from the
stage, Mr. Sissy.
Amateur Actor triumphantly showing her
the book)-That's what the book says, Miss
Gnshington.
Amateur Actress convinced why, SO it
does,-The Epoch.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
A Hidden Sting.

A little 3-year-old Rocklander went into
market last week, and, helping herself to a
green pepper, tried to eat it. After she had
failed the marketman asked her what the
matter was with the fruit, and she replied,
between sobs, ''Vere was humble bee in it,:
-Middleboro News.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Apostles of Cremation.

''Miss Susie" asked Gus Prattle, fare you
in favor of cremation after deathI'
"No, Mr.. Prattle," said Susie, naively.
"But l believe thoroughly in ice cremation
about seventeen years after birth l was II
last Monday, you know"
She got the kina of creamation she believed
;n.-Rahway Advocate
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
4 Little SnperstitiOns.

Wife Ito husband)-There were two hats
Ihat liked, one for S13 and one for SIS.
husband-Which did you finally decide
upon?
4. "ne-The S1S one. I'm a little supersti-
eious about the number thirteen York
Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Staler Than Ancient Meat.

Patron-That last meat you sold me was
stale.
Butcher-Was it?
Patron-Yes, it was, and mighty stale
Butcher-I can show you something ahead
of that meat for staleneSs.
Patron-Dont believe it, What?
Butcher-Your account on my books
Omaha Herald.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Wasted Sweetness.

Miss Clara-And SO your engagement with
Mr.. Featherly is at an end, Ethela
Miss Ethel-Yes, for evermore.
Miss Clara-Nil you return the presents
he gave youi
Miss Ethel-No, I cannot do that He
never gave me anything but caramels and
ice cream-.New York Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Pleasure of Travel.

Fair Tourist-And haven't you been away
this summer at all!
Omaha Man-Haven't stirred step from
Omaha.
''What shame? During all this warm
weather l have been up in Manitoba"
pleasant up thereT
''Delightful; perfectly delicious 1 nearly
fToze Omaha World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
A Pointed Comnosifinn.

Burlington teacher told one Of her boys
that the next time he wrote a composition
there must be some point to it. The subject
of his next disquisition was Needles y
Burlington Free Press.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Will Still BE There.

De watermillion vines am shrickled up by ole
Jack Fros;
Dat mos entrancin' fruit am gittin' ha'hd ter
come ercrosS.
But nebber mind dough wintah wins may make
er fuss an roh,
De chicken coop will blossom jes' as chahming
ez befoh. Washington Critic.
Crime Must Not Go Unpunished.
Kansas Judge Ito prisoner)-What was
your reason for numbering the man in such q
cold blooded way?
Prisoner-Yer honor, he pronounced depot
"daypo."
Kansas Judge-Ten dollars or thirty days
New York Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
To Him That Hath.

IS II true, old man, that you are going to
Larry Miss B. and her two millionsr
Yes; tomorrow"
Topics. W " I 0"e 'ou' o"A
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Unnecessary ANXIETY.

George" she said, and her manner be-
trayed anxiety, "what has come over papa
OF lates He treats you coldly and evidently
tries to avoid YOU"
"he borrowed $40 Of me a couple of weeks
ago." explained George.-New York Sun.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
The Fever Necessarily Slow.

Patient-Doctor, what makes desc brane
! fevers hang on so long? Dis am de secon'
mont Use bin in dis bedl
Doctor misunderstanding for de brain,
Mr.. Webster, am what takes up de time ob
desc slow fevers.-Texas Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

Bobby Sunday afternoon) What dreffel
long, dreary day Sunday is, mother.
Mother-Why do you find it dreary,
Bobby?
Bobby (after some thought)-I s'pose it's
because pa stays home all day.-Texas Sift-
ings
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Mr.. SMAThERS DRIVES A TACK,
And the Capitalization Process Set IL
RAPIDLY.

HE happiness of a
Harlem household
has recently been
destroyed by a most
unfortunate occur
renee, and h e
white winged dove
of peace has folded
her wings like a
cabinet bedstead
and vanished.
Mr.. Bald in
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
The PrOdipal Son.

Prodigal Son-Father, l have spent my
substance and have arisen and returned to
thee.
Practical Father-What did you spend all
that money ons
Amateur photography"
xiii the fatted calf and send it to the
nearest idiot asylum. My son will dine there
tomorrow Omaha World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
BILL NYE TAKES A HAND.
He Wrestles with the Bacon
Problem.

RUSTING that il
will not in any
way impair the
sale of Mr.. Don.
nelly'S book, 1 de-
sire to offer here a
few words in favor
of the theory that
William Shake
speare wrote his
own works and
thought his own
thinks. The time
wa brIroorictc oI1Obt
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
CAVALRY HORSES.
Interesting Information Furnished by |
 United States Army Officer.

Interesting Information Furnished by
 United States Army Officer.
 Most company officers try to get their men mounted on horses which are all of the same color, and in every regiment we have troops of black, gray roan, bay and sorrel horses. Bay horses are the easiest procured, and consequently you will find several troops of this color in each regiment Blacks and grays are not so easy to get, and it is almost impossible to get roan troop. Captian Wood, of the Fourth Cavalry, has the finest troop in the service, the horses are all magnif- cent iron-grays, and it has taken him long time to get them together. The regiment is proud of this troop, and the officers always give way to Captain Wood when fine gray horse is purchased, so he can select it for his company. When a horse is first bought for the service he is designated by number branded on his hoof, but as this soon wears off, he is allowed to be named by the soldier to whom he is assigned. Some troops have a uniform system of naming their horses; thus all of the horses belonging to B troop of the Fourth Cavalry have names commencing with the letter B. A great deal of attention is given to the cavalry horses; they are carefully groomed and regularly fed on the very 
 best hay and grain which the Govern ment can procure. The horses are re- tained in service just as long as they remain sound and in good condition. When they begin to fail in strength, become blind or get crippled, they are condemned by a board of army off cers, and are sold at auction to the highest bidders. Some horses remain in the service for many years. l have known of horse which was perfectly sound after twenty years service in one troop. Not few horses are con- demned soon after being bought for, although they have the appearance of being all right, short test shows that they have not the endurance necessary for hard work. In long campaign animals suffer greatly at times for want of forage and water, but in time of peace the cavalry horse may be said to occupy as enviable position as any reasonable horse could desire. e.-St Louis Globe Democrat
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27

You say there are no good abilities in crooked work. How about forgers? The Fisher and Marsh Market Jake gang, for exampleP"
 'Now, there you strike upon the clever lot. At least they were, for they are nearly all in prison now. But let me tell you that professional forgers are very few-fewer than counterfeiters, in fact, who are practi- cally exterminated, not because of the cleverness of the police, but be- cause the mechanical work of making notes and bonds requires such an eX- pensive plant, the founding of which attracts attention to itself. There are few professional gangs of forgers, say half dozen. in the history of the United States in a quarter of a cen tury. The last one was the one you named. It was composed practically of three men. A 'scratcher, one who does the writing, you know; an organ izer, who plans and directs, and third who covers up the tracks and helps the fellow who lays the paper down to get away. The or ganizer in the gang l speak of was Fisher, a calm-faced, gentlemanly young fellow of good ad- dress and some superficial knowledge. Don't let anybody deceive you into thinking that any crook is a polished gentlemen, learned in the philosophies, conversant with the arts and founded in literature Why, there's Hungry Joe, the famous-well, notorious, then -bunko steerer. Why, he is an utter vulgarian; can't speak two sentences of grammatical English; nouns and verbs nearly always at war, and the objective pronoun in the nominative case invariably. He leads your cul- tured Oscar Wilde and your learned Charles Francis Adams up to the dealer like an unsuspecting lamb to a butchers block As soon as they ac- quire that sort of thing they know enough to be honest. Philadelphia | Times
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
Eight important Rules.

Pasted over the desk of the city ed itor of a Georgia paper are the follow ing instructions:
 'All brides are lovely, beautiful and accomplished, except they be old and tough widows, and then they are amia- ble and cultivated.
 'All merchants who advertise are enterprising, wide-awake and a credit to our city. The names of those who do not advertise must not appear in our paper.
 'All old lawyers are able and worthy of a place on the Supreme Bench. Young lawyers are promising and sil' very-tongued.
 Conductors on passenger trains are gentlemanly and courteous.
 Doctors are eminent.
 Farmers are intelligent.
 Candidates who put their announce ments in our paper are gaining ground every day. Those who do not announce are likely to be defeated.
 "Under no circumstances must these rules be broken. F. Meddleton Pryor, editor and proprietor. "-ArSGnsau TTnCeler
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
 COURTESY AT HOME.
Some New Thoughts on a Subject Thf
 Can Not Be Discussed Too Often.

Some New Thoughts Subject That
 Can Not Be Discussed Too Often.
 If there is any spot where the amen- ities of life should be freely eX- changed, it is at home. Courtesy should be the rule, not the exception. It prevents jarring, it dissipates mood mess, it heals wounds, it ennobles human nature It is wonderful in its subduing influences. It is contagious. It extends to the entire household. The boys. with inward pride over their fathers courteous demeanor, will be chivalrous and helpful to their young CT sisters. The girls will initiate their mother in gentleness and patience, even when big brothers are noisy and needless. Even the domestics will show their appreciation.
 It seems strange that man will speak more rudely to his wife than to any other lady; or that brother will be harsh to his sister, while to her lady friend he is every thing that is respect ful-perfect gentlemen in society. but boors within their own homes. It is a sad commentary to say that some, nay many, mothers, wives and sisters are indebted for most of the politeness shown them to those who are not mem bers of the household.
 Family ties are designed to make us sociable. We are not gregarious. We were not made to live alone. We must have heap of embers to have 8 glowing fire; if we scatter them, they will flicker and die. In the same way, if we want to live healthy and vigor- ous life, we must have a group ot lives, to afford comfort, encourage. ment and support. Courtesy is mighty in its influence to glorify the home and to benefit the world; yet fathers ant mothers are careless and indifferent and allow day after day of opportuni ties to go by. Let us remember tha life is made up of moments, and that succession of well-spent moment make up a well-spent life.-Gooc | ROusekeepi7sQ.
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
MATERIAL FOR A SAINT.
The Commendable PhiIanthropical Works
 of DOrOthea Lynde Dix.

The COmmendable PhllanInrOpical " Orks
 of DOrOthea Lynde Dix.
 Dorothea Lynde Dix, an American woman who holds a position in the annals of philanthropy equal to that of Elizabeth Fry Howard and Pinel combined, died a short time ago and received less notice in the news papers than a police item. to say noth- ing of the base ball game the same day. She was born in Worcester, Mass, in 1902, and was the daughter of Boston merchant Visiting a Mass achusetts State prison through curi- osity, she was led through pity to enter upon the sisyphean labor of securing proper care for the defective classes. At the beginning of her labors prisoners, paupers and lunatics were almost uni versally looked upon as demon-pos- sessed. Insane hospitals were few, while almhouses and prisons were in most disgraceful state. To the labors of Miss Dix are largely due such re- forms as have been since effected in American almhOuses, jails and insane hospitals.
 In 1884 her health broke down and she visited Scotland. Here she found the insane hospitals horribly misman- aged. Through the reforms she brought about they now rank more than the equals of any other country in administrative perfection. From 1887 until the beginning of 1861 she never ceased in her efforts to secure State hospital provision for the insane dragging out a lingering life of untold suffering in county care. Through her unwearied efforts a far-sighted measure passed both houses of Congress in 1854 giving 10000, GOO acres of public lands to the States for the care of the insane, but it fell before the veto of President Pierce.
 Among other notable works she organized the army service of nurses during the war. At the time of her death she was living upon a pension granted by the State of New Jersey. Had she lived in England. for example, she would have shared the veneration and love bestowed upon Florence Nightingale, Chicago NsUs,
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
VOLUME XVI.
LOVES EXCHANGES.

You praise my beauty, grace and art, OLove; but you are much to blame; In every line you leave smart, That makes me bow my head in shame. Whate'er the world may choose to say, Hook not for such words from you; I'd throw them from my heart away, If you could even prove them true. Worlds praise is but passing mood, That shifts about with the occasion; It serves as oft for envy's food, As that of honest admiration. In your regard, set no store
 On what, by way of form or feature, I hold in common, less or more, With every other human creature. If Love be blind, as it is said,
 What can he know of outward gracesf I care not for the love that's led A facile slave of pretty faces. I would not have my love depend On beauty, were ten times fairer- If beauty knew no change or end, Life asks for something deeper, rarer- Something that sets the world aside. Beyond the touch of time or season. If only love for love abide,
 Ido not want another reason.
 -Chanbers' Journal
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
DROPPING TO PIECES.
A Man Who Pulls of His Own Fingers,
 Toes and Ears.


 Toes and Ears.
 An odd case of human wretchedness has been reported by Justice John Lavins and Constable Frank Little, who had just returned from trip to Chickasaw bayou. On a plantation near the bayou they found a negro man who had been a farmer until in- capacitated by disease from working. He first attracted their attention by hobbling about on the stumps of what should have been his feet, and ex- hibited hands which were without fin- gers or thumbs
 Too much accustomed to the sight of queer deformities in persons of the negro race they simply glanced at him and would have passed if the un- fortunate African had not deliberately unwrappeI bandage about one of his hands and carelessly caught the re- maining stump of finger between his knee and the wrist of his other hand, and, with the utmost nonchalance, pulled the stump off He threw it away and again put his disfigured arms in his bandages. He then scratched considerable portion of his left foot off and settled himself com fortably at rest on the shady side of the fence.
 The peace officers recovered their equanimity after a few seconds and held q consultation. They were not sure that if they disturbed the man that they would not unjoint himself entirely, and not wishing to be the cause of such a catastrophe they wait ed until he had time to grow quiet be- fore they questioned him.
 The curiosity started to lie at first, but Justice Lavins put him on his oath to tell the truth and stopped this. The story told was that about six months ago the victim noticed that his fingers and toes were becoming cramped and numb. He paid no attention until one day in using his index finger as a stopper for his pipe he broke it off in the bowl. He was alarmed and threw the pipe away, and as he did so parted with another finger. Panic-stricken, he fled to his home and had a voudoo doctor attend to him. The treatment he received did not benefit him, and he continued to lose his fingers and toes until he became hardened to it, and of late when he found one growing too dry he would pull it off One of his feet was gone, and the toes of the other were missing The last finger he pos sessed was the one his audience saw him remove, and he had stripped near ly all the calloused flesh from one shin. He further stated that he never felt pain.
 After he finished the listeners were inclined to doubt, and on the promise of two-bit piece the darky camly pulled off a portion of his left ear, which he said was uying very rapidly, and would fall away in few days anyhow. He did not seem particularly frightened at his condition, as he thought he had enough legs and arms 10 last year or two longer at the worst.
 None of the mans friends were able to explain how he contracted his dis ease, and the man did not know him. self The gentlemen who were treated to the sight of his condition were also unable to tell what his trouble is. but are inclined to believe that it is some thing of the nature of leprosy or elephantiasis. - Ncbsburg Herald.
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
pITH AND POINT.

Kind words naturally flow from kind thoughts.
 Character is one of the greatest motive powers in the world.
 A Boston pianist has gone mad. Now he knows how the other fellow feels.
 Nothing is more beautiful than virtue; nothing fairer, nothing more lovely.-CcerO.
 -He-"You are the only college girl I ever liked" She-'Why, how so?" He-''Oh, the others all know so much. "-LJc.
 -"What book has helped you most in lifeP'' Iasked my friend, as home we took our way one day, and he re- piled. My pocket-book. "-Vor Pop"li. A New York oculist says that only one man in 600 knows how to take care of his eyes. It is evident that more people should take boxing les sons.
 It is well-kown to all experienced minds that our earnest convictions are often dependent on subtle impressions for which words are too coarse a medi- um.
 -''Young gentlemen, said an old doctor to a graduating class of med ical students-"Young gentlemen, keep you patients alive-if you can; dead men run up no bills.
 -Wife-''Perhaps Miss Gules is a little disagreeble; but think of her family! Why, she quarters her arms on" Husband-"Pshaw! She quar- ters herself on us every summer-and I'm getting tired of it."-Harper' 8 BGzGr.
 A wise man does not often allow it to be seen that his own estimate of himself is higher than that which his associates and people generally who know him well, place upon him.
 Not willing to work | The reason why in depths we grieve For heights to which our hopes aspire,
 Is that we rarely care to leave The pleasant valley of desire. -IeIGS SJttngS. The bod carrier lives by the ups and downs of his life. Philadelphia 1 Call. What S the matter with the boy that runs the elevatorP-CdrL PretzeL. The matter with him is that he is saucv and careless. PhiLadel lphiG CGLt.
 At a country boarding-house always talk loud, help yourself first and abuse the place and the people. It inclines your fellow-boarders tc think that you have been a superin tendent of an insane asylum.-M + Journal.
 She didn't say skill. "-Beatrict -'I don't see how you play on that mandolin" Angelina-"Well, it re' quires a great deal of patience and some skill.' Beatrice-"Yes, yor were always noted for your patience dear" "-ITd- Bits.
 The benefit of advertising is very great. Thursday Newport man ad vertised in the Journal for his lost dog and before the paper was printed tn dog broke the rope the fellow who stol him had him tied with and ran home.- Kentucky State Journal.
 A poem in an exchange is entitled "They Had No Poet and So The, Died" That was terribly sad. Ant the calamity might have been so easil,, averted, too! Almost any city in tn Union could have spared dozen O more poets. and would have gladl,, forwarded them, free of charge, to an, point where such singular fatalit prevailed. We don't know wh "They" were, but they should hay made their wants known. -NOrrtSto1ci Heruld.
The Arizona sentinel., 1887-08-27
Handles Real Estate.

Parent-Before accept you, SIT, as my daughters suitor, l must know what your business is, what youl means would be of supporting her.
 Would-be Suitor-I handle real es. tate.
 Parent (more suavely)-Ah, up town or down townP Uptown property is said to be raising.
 Would-be Suitor-No, sir, suburban. I'm a grave digger at Greenwood.- N F. Sun.