The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1887-09-17
The raragrmp,her and Machine Poet.

The rgragrnpher and Machine Poet.
The hest card for the victor-the won
spot lVhitebdU Times,
In proportion to It's size mosquito draws
better than the average cigarette Nee
HdUen NeUS.
Speaking about alacrity, you should OBJ
serve clerk tack up an early closing nc
tice on store door.-BOstOn Globe.
The man who will not listen to reason
soon becomes a crank; but trying TO turn
him is Il waste of time--Picdyune.
Kentucky has become so lawless that it is
no longer safe for a quiet citizen To steal a
watermelon.-LouiScillG Courier J0urmGL
The policeman who never arrests any.
body but little boys might be called vari-
ETY. of collarer infantum.-- Washington
critic,
The New York reporters are all writing
the Thistle up, but one Of these days we
shall hear of Thistle down.-BuliRgt0
Free Press.
4 Republican has been made Fish Com
missioner. Democratic states will uoT
have to buy their own fish ggs-AoulSciHe
Courier JOY'Rdl.
Tennyson's "memory for faces" is said to
be very bad. His later poetry shows that
his memory for feet is also very detective
I-NjHHcdpChs Tribune.
An old woman may be an incorrigible
gossip, but when you come right Gown to
facts, the peacock is the greatest tail bearer
Of all.-St. Paul Uerd}a.
Florida spiders are said to capture large
numbers of snakes In their webs, but boots
still hold the lead there as a popular snake
trap.-BHFihgt0a Free Press,
Mr.. Powderly says that if he should
leave his present place he would devote
himself to literary pursuits. Then he would
be a sure enough working man,-Puch.
School days come, barefooted urchins
O'er their books commence 10 pore,
And the poor, hard working farmer
Chuckles softly DER and DER.
--Erchaagc.
al say, Dumley," remarked Fea,herly;
"you look tired and worn out Why don't
You take vacatlon?" "Pve just got back
from one" remarked Dumley, weGrily.-
Puck.
Alarmed pedestrian tpickiug up painter
at the foot of a ladder)-My poor nan, are
you hurt much Painter-Only three ribs
broken. But went down with col0rs fly
ing, didn't l?--Phj2ddtiphiG CaV.
MY friends said Temperance lecturer,
lowering his voice TO an impressive wills
per, IF all the grogshops We're at the bot
| tom of the sea- what would be the resuit?'
| And the answer came: Lots Of people
would he drowned. -Puck.
TONGUE cannot tell how much love
you, Miss Clara" he said. would do any
thing in the world for you" "Would you,
she asked, YEARLY. "Try me-" well, go
and spend the evening with Lily Brown"
Lilly Brown! What for" he asked as
| tonished. ~ hate her-Nelo York Sun.
Old CrGsus, vexed by clerical mistakes,
Delays and shabby dissipation, makes
An automatic instrument designed
In Office work t supplant the cierky mind,
Alas! Tn invention was too like the clerk.
! Twas sweet to look at-but it wouldn't
work. Life.
Customer coughing and sputtering)-
Great Scott, man, that isn't whisky. It's a
mixture Of sulphuric acid and kerosene oil.
Barkeeper-I-I guess | gave you the
wrong bottle. Where are you from? 81
am from Kentucky" Beg pardon.
thought you were from Kansas "-Omaha
WOrid.
"Young man." said stern parent, with
the accent on the young, ado you intend to
stay here all night holding my daughters
hand and looking her in the eyes like a
sick calf" "No, sir" "What do you in.
tend to do, then ?" "Well, had thought
that when you did us the kindness to retire
| would put my arm around her waist, and
if she did not object too forcibly might
risk kiss."-,San Francisco Pest.
My First is flower combined with lard,
My Second eggs and milk;
Below I'm usually hard,
Above Pm soft as silk.
l hide on many messy mound,
Turk meath tufts of grass;
On tempting rustic seats I'm found
Where men and maidens pass,
wait my prey with purpose fell,
The youth in trousers white;
| He sits on me; there comes yell.
Great Scott! but he's sight.
My whole is IN atrociOus mess,
A sweet conundrum |
But what | am you'll never guess;
am the Picnic Pie
-Chicogo TrtjgHc.
AT TUE CROSSING.
See her lift her dainty feet,
As she steps across the steet,