Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-09-28

~ IkIUu y
Protection, palsy and pensions. -Lou'sraHe
Democrat.
A woman isn't lit to have a baby who
dossn,t know how to hold it, and this Is
as true of a tongue as of a baby.
In 1884. 26, OOO, 900 Britishers used %
ooo noO mounds of tobacco. Now 36,OOO,-
600 use So, OOo, 900 pounds.
Several young ladies Of Madison WIS,
have Organized a cornet band. 1t Is to De
hoped that they do not contemplate travel
ing.
To keen A woman out Of sulks the easi-
est way is to keep her in silks. only q
slight difference between U n i.-Bosfon
Transcript.
The senior deadhead of the world has
inst been taken out of a stone CONN 10
S;don. where he had been 1880 years.
San Francisco Atlas.
In figuring on the chances OF the Nolun-
teer's winning the Americas cup, the
Briton's should recollect that 1t was the
volunteer who won America.
Some men seem to imagine that ladies'
resemble horses to the extent OF not peipg
disconnected if they are stared at and their
good points audibly criticised.
1.-TWO knots an hour isn't snch bad time
for a clergyman" smilingly said the min.
ister TO himself Just after he had united
the second couple. Merchant Trdreier.
II is said that job never lost his patti
epce. This warrants the inference hat he
never undertook to explain a base ball
game TO 4 woman BiaghsngJtoa Repabh-
can.
A clergyman who preached III q prison
not many Sundays ago began his discourse
with: My friends, ! am glad TO see 50
many OF you here this morning. Cedar
Rapids Gossip.
Uncle Johu-Why, ms gill, You have
grown like a cucumber vine! What prog
ress are you making toward matrimony?
Clara-Well, uncle, I'm on my nth lap
-NeW Hdpea NeirS.
Lady OF the house urging company TO
eat)-Please help yourselves. Do Just as
You would in your own house. am al
ways SO glad when. my friends are at
Francisco Wasp.
YES" said a convalescent and classic
patient. "even the Greeks suffered with
the ill.I-'ad. Possibly" remarked the
doctor, las your complaint was rather
odd j see. -DRuh Pdrdgrdpher.
In the island of Sumatra a flower grows
which is nine feet in circumference and
weighs fifteen pounds. When a cracked
voiced prima donna sings in Sumatra ut
SIS a seat the people eau pelt her with
flowers Omaha World.
Queen Victoria has the largest book ever
bound. IL measures eighteen inches across
the back, and weighs over thirty pounds.
1t is the volume with the jubilee addresses
of cougratulation from the habitations OF
the Primrose League.
Nothing more quickly curdles the milk
of human kindness which irrigates the
purity Of the bosom OF a milkman
than for a customer to order n pint Of the
tactical fluid aud then tell him to chalk
it ."-Hartord Sunday Journal.
Mrs. Minks-Does your boy show any
particular bent yet? Mrs. Blinks-Yes,
He'll be q noted scientist some
day. "Do you really think SOP. %,
no doubt OF it at all. He always
uses the biggest words he knows. Omaha
World.
Mother-Has Mr.. Goslow offered him
self yet?
Harriet-No; not yet; but | think he
will soon. Last night he said he was
around for a wife, and asked me
very particularly if thought | could earn
to venture to marry n .-LJe.
Possible Pa;ron-What do you charge
tor your paper, mister? Co untry Editor
cents a year. my stars and
That's cheap" Eyes, ! put the
price low 80 no one subscriber will think
he can bankrupt me by stopping his sub
scription. Omaha World.
Mrs. Young Ito young friend seeking s
for aid s%ociety)-I can't afford TO give you
much, for | have a large family to sup
port. Friend-Why, you are just mar
ried. Mrs. Young-Yes, but you see our
has a mother and eight children
depending on her for food.
Even the nationality of Shakespeare does
not appear to be safe in the days of fantas-
tic speculation. A Frenchman is said to
be writing a book which will show that
the Bari of Avon was of French descent,
and his name was originally Jacques
or, in plain English, John Peter.
Conntryman TO bookseller)-My wife
wants me TO get her a Testament.
BOoEseller-Tes, sir. New Testament,
| suppose?
Countryman-Well, dunno. Ifyou've
49, A..A NLaN a.-fN
a secondhand one would suit her
Just as well.-Drake's 7rarelers' Maqa.
"You would be a much happier man if
you wouldn't drink" said the temperance
reformer. why don't you try a sober
II have, and there's only one trouble
about it,"
What's that"
THE novelty wears off of il 30 blamed
quick. ~ Washington Critic.
A Cliff street man has a cocker spaniel
that will not eat breakfast until his face is
The dog spent his puppyhOod 10
, family with children, and took his turn
them at the morning wash. II his
toilet is neglected he doesn't weep, but sits
right down and bowls, and there is no
peace until his eyes are clear and his head
combed. -NOrpich Bulletin.
a female servant sweeping put 4 bache-
.or's room found a fourpenny niece on the
,arpet, which she carried to its owner. "You
may keep 1t for your honesty" said he. A
short time afterward he missed his gold
pencil case and inquired Of the girl il she
mad seen it. Eyes, SIR" was the reply.
And what did you do with it2" Kept
for my honesty. "-Pdrs Figaro.
A DEADLY MISSILE.