The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1887-05-26
WHO BRIAREUS WAS
4 Revised Version Of some Tales ef Classis
Mythology.

w AAV ONAIANAOO V1AO --g
4 Revised Version Of some Tales ef Classis
Mythology.
Briareus was a. much Of freak % Pan;
In some respects more DO.
The question has often occupied my mind:
Which would have commanded the higher
salary In the dime museum Of the present
dAyf
Perhaps PAN would have kept in the lead,
Tor there ives only one Of him, and II would
have been very difacult 70 make another.
Freaks with gosts' horns, legs and hoofs
can't be produced every day, even in this age
Of invention and scientific attainment.
While there was only one Pan, Briareus
had two brothers - picturesque in appear
Ance - himself. This would operate against
him In the freak market, for the duplication
Of . curiosity seriously impairs its value
That is what has ruined the business Of the
slass-eater, and made bridge jumpers - cheap
u dirt.
What the people cry for IL great original
and only curiosity-an honest New York al
derman, for instance.
Notwithstanding the duplication Of Briar-
sus' charns In the person Of his brethren,
he was an attraction which would have bean
worth at least e5o0 week, with the privi-
lege Of selling his photograph to spectators.
This choice specimen Of theeffete past pos
sessed flfty heads and hundred arms.
II was wen for Briareus that in his day It
was the custom to wear full beard, and that
cutting the hair to . civilized abbreviation
was not necessary to admission into good 30
Nciety.
Think Of man with fifty heads going into
acrowded barber shop on Saturday night for
haircut and shavei
And think how the other men, with faces
frescoedwith boards Of from two to seven days
standing, would even wish themselves dead
when they found Briareus ahead of themi
Friends and fellow-citisens, they would rise
~ one man and dynamite him.
His arms would be more useful
How quickly . man could dress in the
morning II he had one pair Of arms with
which to pull on his boots, while second
vet was engaged in sewing suspender but
ton on his trousersl Another pair Of arms
could be engaged in pulling down his vest
afourth pair at the same time could be reach
ing under the bureau coaxing coy collar
button from its retirement; a fifth pair could
be occupied in combing his hair, while other
sets could arrange his neckwear, brush his
hair and stand around ready to make them
selves useful.
A woman would find fifty pairs of arms
more useful still while dressing. They could
in q large measure relieve the mouth from
holding pins, hair and other miscellaneous
articles.
But in the days when Briareus was
prominent citizen no one wore boots, vests
and collars, and 30 there was lamentable
waste Of arms in Briareus' case, or rather on
his body. How the girls would dote on man
Of Briareus' hugging capacity He would
be more popular with them than General
Sherman. One pair of arms would no sooner
be tired out than another pair could be called
into action, and by the time the fftieth get
had done it, duty the first would be thor
oughly rested and once more ready for ser
vice. A man with fifty heads and hun.
dred arms would be q regular bonanza as
patron Of Troy laundry. Think of his
bill for washing collars and cuffsl
The accounts we get about Briareus are not
very reliable. They may be classed with the
reports about the destruction of the peach
crop and the fish stories which bloom in the
spring, tra-la-la.
His biographer was gentleman by the
name OF Homer, who often lugged into his
stories incidents which require the action of
a doublejointed credulity to believe. Mr..
Homer was one of the editors of the Olvmpian
Gazette, and 1t is wonder to me that he was
never sued for libel, for he was the Baron
Munchausen Of his congressional district.
Homer says that when the inferior deities
objected to the enforcement Of the prohibi-
ton law, and conspired against Jupiter for
enforcing it, the latter telegraphed to Bria-
reus for assistance, who responded promptly,
and soon m ade the belligerent deities very
sick Of their contract. But when Briareus
himself began to feel his oats, and declare
that he was bigger man than old Jupe, he
was promptly jabbed into the calaboose,
dungeon under Mount Etna being used TO,
the purpose.
Homer says the eruptions Of Etna's vol
cano are caused by Briareus trying to break
out. There may be some truth In this, as
there IL some relation between eruptions and
breskings-out, and there is certainly some
thing which disturbs Etna's interior depart
ment.
This may seem funny explanation of
volcanic eruption, but then volcano is a
iava-ble affair. WIN. H. sIvIrsR.
A ROW WITH THE CORONER.
The jury sided with the Rsportsrs and
the Inqusstwas stsPped.
An extraordinary scene took place in .
coroner's court at Akenham, near Ipswich,
ON May 5. The coroner, Mr.. Vulliamy, had
intimated his intention Of holding secret
inquiry into the circumstances attending the
death Of Bertha Wall, aged sixteen, pupil
ct the Ipswich High School, whose dead
body was found in pond few days ago.
Considerable popular interest has been mani
girl bad bean the Victim ofs libertine. After
the tuyy had been sworn tie coroner re-