davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22

was strewn with pineapple marmalade, and
a stream of red juice and another of white
united on his back and fell in a syrupy cas-
cade from his coat tails. A ounce did duty
for scarf pin, and the Smathers hair was
occupied by two branded peaches and pint
of juice, which gave him an anti-prohibition
odor for three days.
''You horrible, horrible brute" said Mrs.
Smathers, choking her anger, as she extracted
two more Strawberries from her hair "Just
see what you have DONE" she added hyster-
ically.
Her husband seemed somewhat in doubt
just what to do in his tutti frutti condition.
II would rather not discuss this matter just
now, Martha, he said timidly, as he removed
some apple jelly from his left eye with his
coat sleeve. 1.-THE back of my head is crys-
tsllizing, and unless I am wiped off soon I
shall be n'arroon glace in ten minutes y
New York Frib'lne.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
THE SCARE CAT" DEVICE.
A New Invention That Must Meet with
General Approval.

General Approval.
Mr.. Bart Kane, of Brooklyn, E. d., presi
dent of the Scare Cat club, has the thanks of
this office for a copy Of his new invention
called the "Scare Cat" Thinking that little
skat descriptive of the device would not be
devoid of interest to the public 1 have, in
company with the author, examined and
criticised it and must heartily indorse it.
The machine or appliance consists of a de-
collete black walnut box, around which an
elastic gum band is lightly attached. Inside
the low neck box a small bait is arranged in
such a way as to catch the eye of the COM
mon, midnight, predatory Tom cat. He ex-
ecutes low, passionate wall, smells the bait
and hunts for it. When he takes his head
out of the low neck lunch counter a common
elastic band goes with him at a rapid rate
across the state of New York.
The following day cat with swollen ap-
pearance and apoplectic bulging eye is
found dead in the corner of fence in st.
Lawrence county. Thus does the "scare
cat' save much in the outlay of bootjacks in
New York, and add to the business of the
coroner in st. Lawrence county.
The attractive features of the "scare cat"
are so apparent to the casual observer that
when the president of the Scare Cat club of
Brooklyn opened out on the corner of the
City Hall park, near the postoffice, not long
ago, the crowd overwhelmed Mr. Kane, and
a policeman had to prohibit the sale of this
great boon on the streets of our town.
l can truly say that after successfully using
the "scare catn for night or two on a dele
cation of silver throated songsters of Staten
Island, who have been in the habit of coming
underneath our easement at eventide and
singing, "Sweet Spirit, Hear Ny Prayer"
that it is good thing. Nine baritone cats
with purple faces and bulging eyes tried to
catch the IL o'clock boat for New York, and
died before they could get their tickets
chopped.
l sleep well now and miss that seal brown
taste in the mouth which formerly noticed
on getting up. Life seems to wear more
roseate hue and l say frankly to Mr. Kane
that he is my benefactor. The common elas-
tic band sold at stationery stores is all the
outlay required each night, and it will make
a common tortoise shell cat hang his tongue
out so far that any physician can readily as
certain what is the matter with him.
The "scare cat" has a wonderful career
ahead of it, and have no doubt that in the
near future it will be SO far perfected that by
putting a nickel in one corner it will catch a
contralto cat, pull his tongue out nine inches,
play a tune and bury the cat.-New York
World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Stories of Beau BrummeIl.

Beau Brummell the glass of fashion in his
day, died in poverty at Caen. Many droll
stories are told of him. He was once met
hmping on Bond street. On being asked
what was the matter, he replied that he had
caught cold in his favorite leg, adding: II
left my carriage yesterday evening on my
way to town from the pavilion, and the inf
del of a landlord put me in room with a
damp stranger"
Meeting Lady - at Ascot, he entered
into conversation with her, on which she ex-
pressed surprise that he should waste his time
on SO questionable person, and begged him
to think of the risk he ran of being seen.
"My dear lady," he replied, pray don't
mention it; there is no one near us.n
The story of 'Wales, ring the bell," Brum.
nell always denied, but it is quite true that
after his quarrel with the prince, on meeting
his royal highness, who was determined to
give him the dead cut, Brummell turned to
the friend he was walking with, whom the
prince had accosted, and coolly asked:
''Who's your fat friendN
BrummeI once borrowed $500 from gen.
tleman. Some time afterward the lender
pressed for his debt, on which Brummell de-
clared he had paid him.
paid me-" said the gentleman, "when!n
"Whenm cried Brummell Indignantly,
"why, when L was standing at the window
at Whites and said as you passed: All,
how do you do, JemmyF"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Spicy Correspondence of Statesmen.

The courtesies extended between members
of the early California legislature were often
characteristic of the times A great deal of
the bitterness which was then felt between
the friends of the great San Francisco vigi-
lance committee and the members of the law
and order party was constantly cropping up.
Many anti-vigilance bills were introduced
and one in particular by Harvey Lee pro-
voked much discussion, although it was filed
with absurd and unconstitutional provisions.
Lee, being of an ardent temperament, spoke
long and warmly for his bill. A crushing
reply was made by Caleb Burbank, who was
man of large physique, as well as strong
intellect, and afraid of nothing. He had
scarcely taken his seat when page handed
him note, which read as follows:
Burbank:
"SIR-If you ever refer to me in that
manner again l shall take occasion to visit
your desk with bowie knife. Ii. LEE"
To which the following reply was promptly
sent:
"H Lee:
"SIR-Ny henever you find occasion to visit
my desk with a bowie knife be sure and fetch
pail to carry home your entrails in.
&C. BURBANK"
-Bancrofts Popular Tribunal.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
She Couldn't Helm If.

pedestrian who was going up Macomb
street yesterday discovered woman sitting
on horse block and making various motions
with her handkerchief. He at once braced
up, pulled up his collar and smoothed down
his coat, and drew near her to scrape and
bow and remark that it was fine day.
"Sorry for you, mister" replied the woman
az she folded up her handkerchief and held it
to her jaw. Il presume you took this for a
mash?'
"Well, ma'am-ahem-yo know, p
"That's too bad-too bad! yea thought
was flirting with you, bnt I wasn't. 1t is
simply case of the toothache. Been aching
all night, and I'm trying to get up courage to
have it pulled"
"Ah! / see."
Its too bad to put you to all this trouble,
but couldn't help it. It's case where you
really must excuse men
Il see-ahn--
I'm glad you do. It's double tooth. NY
husband will meet me at the dentists. <
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22


Shakespeare was a perfect gentleman, hav-
ing been made SO by the Herald's college,
which invested his father with coat armor.
This coat armor made a gentleman of the
elder Shakespeare, and as Williams mother
was already gentleman under the code,
William became one also both on his fathers
and on his mothers side. OF course all this
is mere detail and is dull and uninteresting,
but l refer to it to show that those who have
read things in Shakespeare's works that they
did not like, and who therefore say that he
was no gentleman, do the great bard an in
justice.
I do not say that Shakespeare was the au-
thor of his own works, and it would not look
well in me to set up my opinion in opposition
to that of scholars, experts and savants who
have had more advantages than [ have, for
would never take advantage of any one;
but say that somewhere the impression has
crept into the papers that he was pretty
good little play writer, and am glad that
Mr.. Childs has had testimonial made and
sent over to England that will show an APP
probation, at least, of his sbility to keep be-
fore the people.
1t will be noticed by an alert and keen
scented htterateur that l have carefully
nelly's cipher. Being rather a poor mathe-
matician anyway, l will not introduce tho
cipher at this time, but l will say that al
though the whole thing happened about three
hundred years ago, and has now nearly
passed out of my mind, to the best of my
recollection Shakespeare, though he was the
son of a bucllwheater, and though he mar
ried his wife with a poetic license, and
though he left his family at Stratford rather
than take them to live in London fiat, wrote
the most of his plays with the assistance of
an expurgator who was out of the city most
all of the time.
/ cannot show Shakespeare's ready wit
better at this time than by telling of his first
appearance on the stage as | remember it.
He came quietly before the footlights with
roll of carpet under one arm and tack
hammer under the other. In those days it
was customary to nail down stage carpets,
and while doing so ''Shake," as we all called
him then knocked the nail off his left thumb,
whereupon he received an ovation from the
audience Some men would have been ratified
and would have Scaled up," as we say, but
Shakespeare was always ready to please his
friends or respond to an encore, SO putting
his right thumb up against large painted
rock in a mountain scene, he obliged by
knocking off the other thumb nail.
Shakespeare was one Of the few English
men who never visited this country for two
weeks for the purpose of writing an eight
pound book ON his impressions of America
Bill Nye in New York World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Max O'Rell's English.

~ have lived so long in England that I
feel almost an Englishman, however," said
NJ. Blouet, better known as Max O'Rell, to
New York reporter lately. "Still, speak
with a French accent, as you will readily no
tice And that reminds me. delivered
lecture in Scotland-I have since written
Friend Newfoundland in apologizing for
my bad English, as is my usual won't big,
ruddv Scotchman stood up and shouted:
Don't APOLOGIZE Yer spel English quite
as weel as oursel.'"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
STORIES ABOUT MEN.
An American Girl Declines to Dance with
His ROYAL Highness


The only snub the prince of Wales ever re-
ceived at Homburg was administered by an
American girl and in such a manner as to
take the breath away from her mother. 1t
was the season the prince fell on the salon
floor with Miss Winslow while Waiting. He
had overcharged himself with wine while at
dinner. Presently he caught sight of this
southern girl, distinguished looking, hand
some and passionately fond of dancing, who
had some days previous been introduced to
hlm. He dispatched an equerry to summon
her for waltz. On the instant and while
her mother was dumfounded for want of
suitable reply she said: Convey my regrets
to his royal highness and inform him that
shall dance no more this season."
but you forget, Miss Winslow," continued
the emissary, "that this is royal command"
"And you forget, sir, that am an Ameri-
can and am not accustomed to obeying royal
commands"
At this the equerry vanished and the
young lady's mother recovered her breath.
The plucky southerner kept her word by alb
staining from dancing the remainder of the
season.-Chicago News.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Curfosities of Law.

Judge-Stand up.
Prisoner claim the right under the law
to remain seated, y'r honor
''How so!'
1.-The law says no man can be made to
criminate himself, an if I stand up I'll Grim
mate myself"
''That point is well taken and you may re-
main seated. You are accused of stealing a
pair of breeches from this man, but l can
find no evidence against youn
"None at all, y'r honor"
"You are discharged"
''Thank you, y'r honorn
"By the way, why were you unwilling to
stand up?'
'If | stood up the man would see had his
breeches on, y'r honor."-Omaha World
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22

has fully arrived when we humorists ought
to stand by each other.
William Shakespeare knew all the time
that he was great man and that some day
he would write pieces to speak. He left
Stratford at the age of q and went to Lon
don, where he attracted very little attention,
for he belonged to the yeomanry, being a
kind of dramatic Horace Greeley, both in
the matter of clothes and penmanship. Thus
it would seem that while Sir Francis Bacon
was attending business college and getting
himself familiar with the whole arm move
ment, SO as to be able to write free, cryp-
togamous hand, poor w. Shakespeare was
slowly thinking the hair off his head, while
ever and anon he would bring out his writ
ing materials and his bright ready tongue
and write a sonnet on an empty stomach.
Shakespeare did not want his plays pub
lished He wanted to keep them out of the
press in order to prevent their use at spelling
schools in the hands of unskilled artists,
and SO there was long period of time during
which the papers could not get hold of them
for publication.
During this time Francis Bacon was in
public life. He and Shakespeare had nothing
in common Both were great men, but Ba-
cons sphere was different from Shakespeare's
While Bacon was in the senate, living high
and counting investigation, Shakespeare had
to stuff three large pillows into his pantaloons
and play Falstaff at one night stands.
Is it likely that Bacon, breathing the per-
fumed air of the Capitol and chucking the
treasury girls under the chin ever and anon,
hungered for the false joys of the underpaid
and underscored dramatists Scarcely
That is one reason why prefer to take the
side of Shakespeare rather than the side of
Bacon.
know that Shakespeare has been severely
criticised by the press for leaving his family
at Stratford while he himself lived in Lon
don, only visiting home occasionally, but
am convinced that he found they could live
cheaper in that way. Help in the house was
very high at that time in London, and the in
telligence offices were doing a very large busi-
ness without giving very much intelligence.
Friends of his told him that it was not only
impossible to get enough help in London, but
that there was hardly enough servants to pre-
vent a panic in the employment bureau
Several offices were in fact compelled to shut
down for a half day at time, one using the
limited stock in the forenoon and the other
in the afternoon.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
No Fears for a Coal Famine.

1t is claimed that coal famine is immi-
nent and that western families will have to
burn corncobs this winter. This is not overly
encouraging to drought stricken Kansas,
Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin, where there is
nothing but cobs three inches long; but for Ne
braska where the cobs are used for baseball
bats, we contemplate the famine with re-
markable degree of composure. As long as
the festive corncob maintains its present
mammoth proportions coal diggers may
strike, and coal dealers may pool, the Ne
braska hearth will still be warm and cozy
Eastern strikers may put this in their cob
pipes and smoke it.-North Bend (Neb) Flail.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22

SmatherS resides IN One Hundred and
Twenty-fourth street, and the connubial
bliss of the Smathers family has been undis-
turbed until last Friday afternoon. Mrs.
Smathers has long been noted among the
neighbOrs for an astonishing talent i'll making
preserves. Indeed, the fame of her picked
peaches, raspberry jam and canned pears
reached at least three blocks each way.
Every season she puts up a generous supply
Of fruits, and to be presented with jar of
Mrs. Smathers' preserves was a mark of eX-
traordinary esteem.
Last week the canning season was formally
concluded with ounces, and the family
moved to an apartment house just around the
block. The sixty-nine jars of preserves re-
ceived especial care in transportation and
were carefully slowed away upon the top
shelf of the pantry. On returning from
business Mr. Smathers found his wife en-
deavoring to drive a nail into the wall above
the preserve shelf to hang up some herbs.
She had placed a stool on a chair and
perched on this combination was struggling
with the hammer and nail. Her husband
watched the combat in patronizing silence
and then said: II never saw woman yet
who could drive nail. Get down off that
chair, Martha, and let me drive your tacks."
Mrs. SmatheIs climbed down, and grasp
ing the hammer, her husband was soon III
position on the stool. He accomplished, how
ever, considerably more than he intended.
Giving the half driven nail vicious dig to
pull it out and begin over again, he loosened
a cleat that supported the shelf, and the re-
suits were appalling. There was a frightful
crash that resounded from cellar to roof,
and Mr.. Smathers, the chair and the stool
disappeared from view. The air was filed
with broken glass, flying peaches, pears and
plums, and canned cherries pattered about on
the floor like big red hailstones.
On Mrs Smathers' upturned cOuntenance
the contents of a jar of Strawberries settled
gently down. Two damsons and a label
decorated her back hair, and on every part
Of her dress that offered any inducement
there nestled jellies and jams, ounces and
plums and blackberrics in artless confusion.
Dazed by the sudden crash she stood for a
moment or two mechanically endeavoring to
remove the strawberry juice from her coun-
tenance with a small pocket handkerchief.
Just then there was a struggle amid the
glass and debris in the corner, and Mr..
Smathers came slowly to his feet still grasp
ing the hammer. He was a most astonishing
sight. There was enough broken glass ON
his person to have Mortified the boldest cat
on the Smathers back fence. His mustache
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Very Encouraging.

'Do you think, doctor, we will have the
cholera here in New York this winter?'
asked an inquisitive man of New York
health officer.
81 have studied the matter Closely" replied
the official with great deliberation, "and it
is my opinion, from ali can gather, that if
our present exemption from CHOLERA con-
times for six months we will not have any
cholera this year. Texas Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Revision.

Mr.. Robert johnson, who lives on the
Fisher farm, has little boy, Dave, who is
just old enough to be taught to say his pray
ers The other evening his mother was
teaching him the Lords Prayer, and got
along very well until they reached the line,
''Give us this day our daily bread"
The mother repeated it twice, but the child
made no attempt to follow her.
why don't you say it?" urged his mother.
"'Cause don't want bread" said the boy;
81 want pie oil City Derrick.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
4 EiU City.

Omaha Child ION eastern railway train)-
Oh, mamma, there's a policeman walking
through a corn field.
Mamma twithout looking out)-Is he chas-
ing any ones
mo; he's walking along just as they do in
the street,
dear me! Get your things on. We are
within the city limits of Philadelphia
Omaha World.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Ave long, long. long ago,
A CHlLD'S LAUGH.

All the bells of heaven may ring,
All the birds of heaven may sing,
All the wells on earth may spring,
All the wind on earth may bring
All sweet sounds together;
-weeter far than all things heard,
sound of harper, tone of bird.
yelling waters winsome word,
Wind in warm, wan weather.
One thing yet there is, that none
Hearing ere it's chimes be done,
Knows not well the sweetest one
Heard of man beneath the sun,
Hoped III heaven hereafter;
soft and strong and loud and light,
Very sound OF very light,
Feard firm mornings rosiest height,
When the soul of all delight
Fills child's clear laughter.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
A Fresh Solution.

Little Mollie was caught by her mother
stealing apples from the tree and severely
rebuked. Her mother told her she must not
touch those apples, as she was going to make
preserves of them.
On the following Sunday little Mollie's
school teacher, while walking home with her
from Sunday school, asked her why God for
bade Adam and Eve to eat of the tree in the
midst of the garden
"Because he wanted to make preserves of
the apples" was the childish reply.-Texas
Siftings.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Poor Ct. TOuiS.

Chicago Man Ito fellow passenger)-
you ever been in st. Louis, sir?
Fellow Passenger proudly)-Well should
say sol Why, live in st. Louis, stranger.
Chicago Man-Oh, am glad to know that.
want to stop off at st. Louis, and I'll be
much obliged to you if you'll tell me when
we get there. l wouldn't like to be carried
by.-The Epoch.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Couldn't Aim.

A Boston young man was taken out by
some Fort Worth gunners to kill ducks at
Hurst's lake. As large flock of canvas
backs foated right by him, and he didn't
shoot, one of the Fort Worthites got excited
and yelled;
"Why in thunder didn't you shoot?'
'Why," answered the Boston man, "every
time got my gun leveled at one, four or five
other blamed green headed fools would swim
right in between SO l never could get a good
aim at one"
The party went home.-Texas Colonel.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
A Case of Choke.

Jessie's teacher gave her pupils party, to
which little brother" was invited. He ate
heartily of ice cream and cake, and was
found reposing on the bench in the porch,
while the other children were at play in the
yard. When asked why he didn't join them,
he exclaimed:
"Oh, can't play, my pants choke me so!n
Youths Companion.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
LONG AGO.

Long, ever so long ago,
when the world was one age old,
The glittering stars were bright and new
And twinkled down from rim of blue,
Aud rivers started their downward flow
In those dim days of old.
when the years had not grown old,
Ia the days of long ago,
The flowers and grass grew rich and sweet
Kissed by the rain and the Wild deer's feet
And sunshine down in a torrent rolled
70 long so long ago.
IN summers earliest glow,
when the world was not yet old
Then the trees were green the whole year round
And never a dead lef could be found
Ere the raindrops paled and changed to snow
teiore the world was old.
When over the low sands crept
The gathering tides set free,
Ger the tawny sands with rhythmic Groom
While far overhead the pallid moon
Royalty down through her wide halls swept
As the tides first came from sea.
When the surgng waters rolled
with never "a sail to show;
When the waves that washed the lonely strands
Were free from the touch of human hands,
A. the winds and tempests uncontrolled,
IL ages long ago.
Ave long. long. long ago,
Pr the earth grew gray and cold:
When the step and voice and face of man
Were never "a part of the primal plan,
Whose mystery none shal ever know,
Though the earth grows gray and old.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1887-12-22
Long Sermons.

Mr.. Spurgeon, in the annual meeting of his
eyangelists, thus speaks of the longwinded-
ness of certain preachers: "There are some
preachers who ought to have two pounds OF
Chapman & Halls gunpowder sewed in their
trousers, to go off when they get to second
ly.'n and there were some brethren whom he
was afraid to ask to preach, because he never
knew whether they would leave off in this
world or the next