The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer., 1887-02-13
MARK TWAIN.
This old Offender Makes Another Funny
hi Inner Sncesr,.


Dinner Speech.
Samuel r.. Clemens was one of the guests
Thursday night at he annual dinner of the
stationery Board oi Trade, al the Hotel Bruns
wick, In his pcech Mark Twain said:
"Gcn'leinen, l ind this an evening of sur
prses. came here through nn understand
ing with the chairman that |, having
| reformed was not To break over pledges made
and ,lrift into an nitcr.dinnor speech unless
saw imnonll-ieS or crimes being committed,
and lol have waited In constant expectation
that something would be said or done that
would compel me To speak. But concerning
what has lsccn said and done hero ! am bound
| to say that Thus Hat they have been mere mis-
| dcmcnnors ] hate been introduced Ia You Us
| an example Of tluc author and the publisher
] am one NJ thc latest publishers aud | am one
of the oldest authors and certainly one of the
best, (l.aWghtcr) When | cnmc here I cN-
pccicd to remain ir some humble capacity out
side 0f thc doNr and newer drcamt of being
made conspicuous by taking sea, high up
among the distinguished guests, but then am
used To leing madc conspicuous. More
laughtcr.)
"As say, have found nothing really 10 at
tack expected Mr.. Bcaman 10 commit him
sclf-lawyC are always committing themselves
hut Mr. BCamin -was-thc fact is his
speech can acaually lie compimcnicd (l.nugh-
teri As la his attacking Ben, that Is To say
Ben Franklin. ain od dead man, that can he on
planned. franklin was sober because he lived
III iIlIiHutlNHtl. W nN- ThNsNltlnIlll h " sbUcI
city to-day What must N have hecn in Frank
Inns timc7 Clireat laughtcr.l Why, II is ns
good as Sunday In he In rhla adclphia now.
More lnuGhicr) Franklin was frugal and as
he says himself, with becoming inodcsty, he had
no Vices, because, though he lit lie suspected II,
he made vice ot frigality You saw, as Mr..
Bcarlan told sou how he did, hut when he men
tions why liz dill II lic gives himself away,
lauchcr,b and finally he wishes thai at the last
he may be showed into barrel Of Madeira, but
h.l L.,u al
he would HAYS wanted io get the barrel of Ma
dcin into him Roars of laUgicr.)
~ AIN here In tbs character of author and
publisher, but 4 think | will let that rest. e"
| renewed laughter
Referring To n pre- vio,is remark Of the chair
man that the BOirl was about to establish q
legal department Mark Twain said: 'You want
n chaplain more Than YOU do a lawyer As to
his capacity ef publIshcr h' said; "oh, can
| tell YOU u great deal about publishing but
don'i think will am rather too fresh yet
l.nughicrl ann ut the honest stage now, hut
after whsle, when graduate and grow rich,
will tell son all about IT," O.ong continued
| lnughtcr.l
| Turning his attention la education he said
| "ltis so commrn shat an education is within
! the grasp uf every one. and II he does no, want
| to pay for II why here Is The State ready 10 pay
| for II for him But sometimes want TO inquire
what an caucaiiunis remember myself, and
| oil Of You ald fellows probaby remember the
same of yourselves, that WHEN went 10 school
| was told thai an adjective Is an a,lvcrb and IL
must I've governed by The uhirl person singulas
and all that sNrt OF lining laughtcrl and
| when | got out or school ! straightway forgot
! all about IT, More laughter IN my com
bncd character Of publisher and author re-
ccivc great many manuscripts from people
who say they want II candid opinion whether
that Is good literature or mot. That Is all Il lie:
what they want Is compliment, daughter }
But as 10 this matter Of education the first that
strikes you is how much teaching has really been
done and how much is worthless examining.
You have all seen little book called English
as She Is Spoke. Now, In my capacity oi
publisher 4 recently received a manuscript from
q teacher which crntoicl n number of answers
given by her pupisto questions lropoundcd;
These answers show that the children had
nothing but the sound TO guby: the sense was
perfectly empty. Here are some of their answers
| 10 words they were easkedto define Aurifcrous-
pertaining tc am orice laughter); ammonia
the food Of tine gods (rcnewed laughtcr); cques-
trian-oncwhO SKIS quesiionst roars of laughter);
parasie-H kind ofsnbrollal shouts Of laughterI;
ipecAc,a man VIII" likes n good dinner, tRc::
newcd laughtern And here is the definition of
an ancient word honOred by great party: Re
| publican--a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
!Shouts Of laughter andapplausc.l And here
Is AN innocent d-liycnnce of geological kind:
There are good many donkcys In the thcolo-
gical gardens Cfrea, laugh,cr,) Here also is
II definition which really isn't very bad in its
way: Demagogtle-a vessel containing beer and
other liquids Prolonged laughterl Here,
too, is u sample Of a boys composition on girls,
which, must say, rather like:
Girls are very tnskup and digniied in their
maner and hchavcyour. They think more
of dress than anything and like to play with
dowls and rags They cry II they see COW
in far distance and are afraid Of guns.
1hcy stay at home all the time and 20 la
church every Sunday. They are always sick.
lhcy are always funny ami making fun of
boys han-ls ans they say how dirty. They
cant play marbles pity them, poor things.
IhcS make fun Of boys and then turn round
and luvc them ! don't behave they ever
killed Il cau or anything. They look out every
| mite ami say, "Oh, ANA the moon lovely -
'lh- is olac uhirgG have not told and that is
they always noW their lessons hcllcrn boys.
80 go
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