The Somerset reporter., 1887-02-23
WANT TO TRY THE PLATFORM.



of His Trials and Tribulations.
"At about this time of the year when
the woodchuck takes n farewell view of
the clover field and goes head first into
HOLE says the manager of lecture
bureau, "the platform fiends begin to
crawl out and make life miserable for me
Everybody thinks he, She or it can lect
ure. Only yesterday Il big man with
thick neck and Il forehead like u hen
came in here and wanted me to put him
up to the lecture racket, as he called it.
He said what der public wants is ter
look at me. I'm famous, | am Well,
what do you suppose was the basis Of his
desire to go upon the lecture PLATFORM
He had once challenged sullivan and
fought him | don't know how many
rounds-through the newspapers. |
promised to let hn know if any
church lecture committee sent for him
Nearly all the bridge jumpers have sent
in applications for jobs on the rostrum,
and have here n letter from an eX-bnnk
cashier asking if have any dates open on
the other side of the Canada line. | re-
piled that the Canadian demand for at
fractions seemed to be filled but there was
vacancy in the course of the Sing Sing
Moral Improvement society which he
might fill to general satisfaction. | told
him the terms there were usually liberal,
but he hasn accepted the offer
"rhe other day man came in and
wanted to be put on the list for u scien-
tinc lecture, which he said was in 4 popu
lar style and very instructive, IIestruck
me SO favorably that asked him to bring
the lecture in the next day and let me
look over it He said he called it The
e fri,.ilf1atiap ,rit Ia
gripsack, took out n roll of manuscript
and some curious apparatus and pro-
ceeded to read me an essay on high eXplo-
sives. lie took up something that looked
like compressed sawdust-he said it was
'vigorite'-and announced that. although
by percussion ii would explode with ter
rifle violence, he could and would safely
pound it with hammer. | seized tho
hammer as it was about to fall and bun
died him out of the Office. He was n
theoretical Nihilist.
"And then the elocutionists. as they call
themselves The good Lord deliver me
from that tribe They all want to inhict
upon an abused public 'Curfew Shall Not
Ring Tonight They are almost as bad
as the funny men of western country
papers, who have been copied all over the
country and have got up rehashes of Joe
Mi, or and Artemus Ward that they want
to fire off under titles that have no earthly
connection with the subjects ON which
they propose to speak.
"Pcrhaps you don't believe more than
half of this, but it is all solemn fact.
Why, what would you say if ! should tell
you that Virgins, the FL Mahdi of OF
tawa, wanted me to arrange for him an
eastern circuit, so that he could deliver u
lecture on My Storms and How They
Have Been Sidetracked by an Unscientitic
Providence. Well, perhaps that wasn't
just the title of it, but at any rate re
wanted to talk on that weary old chestnut
the weather. / wouldn't be surprised
if n discharged patient from an in
sbriate asylum should walk in here
and ask me to star him in the church
courses with thrilling monologue
on Snakes; or, How | Had Emf
Hark heard somebody coming You
wait and see if it isn't an aspirant for
fame and fortune on the lecture plat
form.
The door opened, and tall, good look
ing and we'll dressed woman entered. She
had society air, but an independent,
determined look withal. She had been
left to her own resources by the death of
her husband, and she wanted to earn her
own living with the capital of good
presence, fair voice and slight knowl-
edge of the art of public reading, ac-
qtlired in an amateur way. 1t was no use
trying to discourage her. She was deter
mned to try, and knew she could succeed.
So her name was booked after some con-
sultation. When she had gone the man
ager Of the bureau said: "She wants to
lecture on cranks, and think / can give
her plenty of points. n-"Uncle Bill in
Chicago Herald.