News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-07-28
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
UMNS OF THE HUMOROUS
PAPERS,
1t was in ChicagO-A Man-How
Time FIcw-it was the Doctors
Day-An Ancient Family-A Fair
Divide, Etc. Etc.

HIS TERMS.
Some 60 years ago Billy Patten was a
cllrrier in ROxbuly. Leonard B. Har-
rington served his apprenticeship with
him. cold Billy, as he was called, was
queer fellow Having lost consider
able money by giving credit, he finally
determined that he wouldn't trust any
body. Silas Alden, OF Randolph, had
made Il contract for a large quantity of
calf boots AS he couldn't find st.ch
skins as he wanted to make them of in
Boston, and having heard that Billy
Patten could supply them, he went to
see him. Billy had the stock to suit
him, and they agreed upon the price.
II suppose You will give me some time
on this purchase, says Mr.. Alden.
''Oh! yes says Billy, ''half cash down,
and the rest when you take the skins. .
Alden accepted the conditions and went
to Boston to get the money.-!Sb0e and
Leather Reporter.
A BACKYARD BOOM.
"What are YOU doing, Tommy" asked
q Sioux Falls lady of her son who was
sticking up stakes around the back
yard.
:.'Plat'in a addition replied the
young hopeful, whose father is real
estate agent.
''How are sales =
''Bullv, ma Stubby Jones takes
that corner there by the gate for a pea
nut and lem made stand, Bill Smith and
Dutchy take a block by the barn for
their circus, an Hen Jones is talkin
bout tal1in two lots by the apple tree
to tie up his dog on SOS his dad can't
shoot it. Say, ma, I'll let We in on the
| ground floor on that lot by the corner of
the house there to stand yer flower pots
on-take it fer five cents an handful
o rails ms, scein' its you.-Dakotn Ben.
IN CHICAGO.
81 have spent most delightful eye-
ming, Miss Breezy remarked young
Mr.. Waldo of Boston, who is in Chicago
on business. '"TO gentleman far away
from home an hour or two such as [
have just passed is peculiarly grateful
and refreshing
"Thanks, awfully,' responded Miss
Breezy.
CAS- it is quite early" went on Mr..
Waldo, 81 would be very glad if you
and your mother would go with me for
Il dish of ice cream"
''Thanks, " said the young lady bright
ly. 81 presume mamma is agreeable,
and as for myself, Mr.. Waldo, my
mouth is always wide open for that
sort of thing"
FILLED IT.
A north Texas man, anticipating the
prohibition in August, sent u 10-gallon
jug down 10 Il liquor man to be filled.
The Deacon slipped around next day-
lTll u,
suid tllG Houor man, s'NYhnt, $s:3 II gal
lon!" gasped the Deacon. ''No, only
s.. [ filled the jug-15 gallons" But,
my dear Sir, you know that was no Is
gallons, said the Deacon. g Now, I
'tOh, very we'll, I'll put it IN the hands
Of a LAWYER to collect" .'N-no, don't
do that, Ii would be all over town. 1t
was not the $50 l kicked on; was only
thinking what a terrible strain it was on
my 1O-gallon demijohn, said the Dea-
con, as he paid the bill.
AN ACCIDENT.
Quite an awkward accident took place
the other day in the ''Wild West show
travelling with Il circus down in Iowa.
The ring master was standing on box
explaining to the audience that the
buffalo was Il wild one captured this
sDrinc. and that if it were not for the
men stationed around outside of the
ring it would charge up the seats and
clean out the whole crowd, when the
wild and dangerous animal came up and
began to chew his cOat-tail. He got
down and stopped talking, and man
had to take an ear of corn and trOt Off
ahead of the buffalo before it could be
got into a run.
HOW TINE FLEW.
The brisk, lively hOusekeeper is de-
scribed aptly in n new novel OF western
| life. "Zury:'' ''She was called come
gals kind of woman by neighbors,
partly in ridicule of her enthusiasm and
| partly in admiration of her energy. 1t
was told of her that she would get up
before light on Monday, lily around,
uncover the fire, hang on the kettle and
call up the ladder to the loft: Come,
| gals! Dew start up'n start Ill. Today
Monday, to-m0rrows Tuesday, II next
| DAVIS Wednesday, n then comes Thurs
day, Friday n SaturCloy-the hull week
gone n nothin' done. '-BoStoR J0uT-
| nat.
AN ACCOMPLISHED WIFE.
s.Ah, cid fellow said an Austin gen
|
| $50 YOU are married ut last. Allow me
TO c0ncratulate You, for | hear you have
an excellent and accomplished wife.
II have. indeed" was the reply;
sshe is accomplished. Why, SIT, she
is perfectly at home in literature; at
| home in music; at home III art; at home
in art; at home III science-in short, at
home III everything, except
Except what =
Except at home. '-SgjiagS.
AN ANCIENT FAMILY.
There are more ways than one of call
ing q person an old goose. Perhaps the
neatest is that adopted by Kosciusko
Murphy. Miss Esmerelda Longcoffin is
verv proud of her relations to the Long
coffins of Virginia. Taking offence Mt
some remark made by Kosciusko, she
said, in a cold, naughty tone Of voice:
''Sir, l wish you to understand that L
belong to ancient family"
'.Yes," replied Kosciusko, yawning,
GIVE read of that family. They saved
the Roman capital. "-7Gcas SUtjHgs.
50 ANGRY.
Two spruce-l looking girls stopped an
open car. They were rather out of
sorts, | fancy. by the tones OF their
voices, and the prettier of the two was
evidently ''tabing it, for some delin-
Quency, by which the other had suffered
an annoyance. Finally she burst out
with the old familiar feminine "Well, l
don't care I" And then, with a deep
sigh, said, "Oh, dear, I wish I'd been
born without feet. Then / shouldn't
be forever treading on peoples corns -
-Bost0R Uc'aH.
CLAUS SPRECKLES'S S SCHEME.
"What's all this fuss in the Sandwich
Islands" asked the Horse Editor. 81
see that there have been consigned from
San Francisco to Claus Sprec!Ies's brok
crs in Hawaii 5000 rifles, $4,000 car
tri ges, $4,000 primers, 5000 bullets
and Il few cases of small arms.
"Oh," replied the Snake Editor,
''Spreckless is about to introduce base
ball, and he is determined that the
umpire shall be protected. PHtsJ"rS
| Chronicle.
i GERMAN JOKE.
First Student of Medicine-"I say
Fritz, did you see those boys stick oat
their tongues at usf
Second Stndent-"Ies, uEd it doe.
me proud. They evidently fake as ion