The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1887-08-25
THE ARTIFICIAL MOTHER.

-Nonkers Gazette.
THE ARTIFICIAL MOTHER.
..No," said. Il can't stand this any
longer. might as well have no wife
at all rs to have one who, instead of be-
longing to me. her lawful lord and
master, is at the beck and call of sun
dry small specimens of humanity, to
whose remorseless tyranny she yields
an obedience as implicit and uncom-
planning a. that of the most AFFECT
slave"
Nos. 8 and Q of our little family had
arrived together, and, sturdy little
fellows that they were, had recognized
the situation at glance, had deposcd
No. from her position of supremacy.
and had set up despotism over their
mother and the household perhaps the
most unmerciful that had as yet been
experienced.
It will be apparent from this pre-
liminary word that ] am married
man. sufficiently so the superficial
reader may imagine. But it is pre-
cisely my complaint that. while my
opportunities for the development Of
my parental qualities are unsurpassed,
nv married life. so far as the society
of my wife is concerned, don't amount
to-well, to the value Of a Confederate
dollar.
II. going '.fair shares with my
progeny, ! had been permitted to put
in claim for, say IN even tenth of her
attention. / should have nothing to say.
But these ogres of children pull her
to pieces in small mouthfuls through
the twenty-four hours between their
nine voracious selves, without giving
me chance for even a thirty-second
nibble.
In giving them their classification in
the animal kingdom, ] should, think.
place them under the head of Polly
pophagi,' or another deyourers.
was just beginning to console my
self with the thought that before No. l
became old enough to sit up evenings
No. would learn to 90 to sleep before
midnight, when Nos. 8 and arrived
as said .all in heap" and deranged
my calculations. NO" l said, for per-
haps the 996th time, as the maternal
slave, after eliminating Nos. and in
a flood of disgrace and tears (that gave
them the appearance of compound
waterspout), tucking up 8, and 5,
who were accidentally good, and turn
ing over to me the cradles containing
and Z, with injunctions to keep them
stirring rushed to obey the vociferous
calls of the despots in chief. the two
latest arrivals-..it won't do
Polly l asked, as she returned. a
little out of breath, with red-faced
tyrant on each arm, "what do those
Twretchcs, / was about to say, but
fortunately checked myself in time]
young gentlemen want?'
why, little motherly affection, to
be sure,n she answered, commencing to
"croon'' to them in the language pecu-
liar to mothers and babyhood. They
want me-
..Bosh." l rejoincd. They want
merely something soft to touch, swing.
ing motion to addlc their brains iii
they have any and a monotonous din
in their ears, and they would be just as
we'll satisfied if these We're supplied BY
steam engine as by their mother. Il
is all nonsense to talk of babes having
affection. You might as well believe
in their Calvinism or trancendentalisn
or any other product Of later life
Polly, however. wastoo much absorbed
in the ..crooniag" process to listen t.
my insinuations, and the beginning o.
growl in one of the cradles at my
feet recalled me to my own duty. But
while worked pondered. The wore
uttered in jest remained in my mind
"A steam engineer Yes. Why not!
Or an engine of some kind to perform
Mt least this routine labor of keepin.
the young savages at rest by keeping
them in motion. Something steady
and soft, and swinging, and .'croon
ing" Pshaw! science has solved wors,
problems than this. 1t is simply tn,
construction of an "artificial mother.
The thing is possible, and it shall b,
done! ! gave the cradle kick o
malicious satisfaction that evoked from
No. z a roar of protest.
On my way to business next mornln:
called at the studio of an artist frient
to see new picture, and my eye restet
on q lay figure standing graceful,
draped in one corner. 1t flashed acros
me that this was just what wanted
and l persuaded my friend to spare i
to me for time for some work mysel
had in hand.
did not want to startle Polly OF
to arouse the suspicious of the twin:
prematurely, SO | carried the figure w
to a disused garnet and devoted all tn.
spare hours of the ensuing week to ex
perimenting upon her. She was, for
tunate]y for my purpose, Of the fines
Paris make. steel springs, and double
extra jointed. and there was question
merely of applying the inward power
("true inwardness'' and the outwar,
apputenances.
| will not weary my readers with al
the details of my labors. l became ST
absorbed in my task that could hardl,
give thought to anything else. NJ.
business suffered, and my wife com
planned that my face was getting
vacant stare upon it, and she thought
was spending too many hours at tn
horrid club. II is sufficient to say tina
after various Intellectual experiment
with steam, compressed air, and electric
ity / at length succeeded in placin,
in the body of my lay woman clock
work combination which, by series O
spiral connections with the head, arms
and shoulders, moved these in uni
form swing, timed to coincide witt
that of the rocking-chair in which | hat
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