The Irish standard., 1887-09-17
GREASY JOE WHELAN.
A Man Who Drinks Crude Petro-
leurn and Likes It.
he Took 1t First for Medicine and Then
as Beverage = An Object of Ad-
miration and Reverence for
Common Whisky Topers.

|
Common Whisky Topers.
According to the Philadelphia Tines, a
wonderful individual exists in Pittsburgh.
He is GREASY joe Whelan, who is distin-
guished from the common herd by his IN
contro!lable appetite for petroleum, which
he drinks as many men do whisky.
On the corner of Penn avenue and Twelfth
street there stands a crazy-looking two
story building, occupied by one J. Gatens. a
purchaser and repairer of oil barrels. To
this establishment whole wagon loads of
barrels are brought daily, and it is all i'm
portant part Of Mr.. Gatens' business to col
lect the oil which remains sometimes in
pretty large Guantities--in the bottom OF the
barrels and dispose of it afterward. perhaps
to the very Individuals through whose hands
it has passed once before.
Until recently the presiding genius of
Cfatens' barrel shop was Greasy joe"
A red-nosed, blear-eyed. gr'izzled. rough
bearded, stoop-shouldcrea. gobiin-like four
feet and q half of bone, muscle and grease ;
such is Joe. He is ugliness persouided.
Black. Shiny, crude petroleum is as CRATE
fnl to his abnormal stomach as ambrosial
nectar to the paIates Of the gods. Its as
good as whisky if not better.H he is wont to
say, and TO see him toss Off & cupful. roll
it about in his mouth. like choice cid port,
and let it triclsie down his throat with evi
| dent gusto. one can not help being con-
vinced that lie actually leEsbes the stuff.
The process by which Joe became Injured
to the practice OF oil-arinl1ing was an easy
and narllral one Three-follrtils Of his days
were spent in G!atens' repair shop. the at
mosphere of which smells like the combined
odors Of a dozen refineries. With the ex-
ception Of tools and paint. there WAS moth
ing about him but Oil The liquid thick and
! Shiny, had soaked through and through the
; floors; it t1'clSled down the walls and
tlripped lazlly from the ceilings. Joe be-
came saturated with it until it appeared to
ooze from every pore Of his body and
permeated his clothing so thoroughly that
the application OF a match Would have sent
him heavenwara in an instant. Thus it was
| that he came to be known as GREASY joe"
an cpithet which will undoubtedly stick to
him to his dying day. Joe's feilow-laborers
in the work Of draining, lnending, cleaning
and putting new hoops On the barrels
brought TO his employers establishment
held it as a. sacred article Of faith that crude
Oil is q panacea. Did one Of them take
cold, glassfll Of petroleum two or
three times day would fix him up as sound
as q dollar. Somebody's liver was disor-
dered Out came the crude oil and a couple
Of swallows restored the troublesome organ
to it's normal condition. Thus. too. with
rheumatism. neuralgia, headache, cramps
and the whole category OF ills that flesh is
heir to. Joe, when still in his apprentice
ship, became a firm believer in the curative
properties of oil, and in course of time came
to look upon it as comforting and agreea~
BILE beverage. For long time he did his
oil tipping in the strictest secrecy, but one
day, for the qualification of q group Of small
boys, he publicly tossed off a goblet of the
fluid, and did it with such unmistakable rel
isll that the youngsters were stricken with
fear and looked upon him as q miniol Of the
evil one.
Thenceforth Joe's reputation was made.
Strangers in the neighborhood were invited
to feast their eyes upon him, with the WINS
pered information; He drinks oil.'' Com
mon, everyday whisky drinkers regarded
him with reverence as a being whose ca
pacity had wonderfully outstripped their
own.
IN fact Joe came to be treated as a rara
avis. and was by many considered as much
an honor to Twelfth street and vicinity as
the Sphinx and the Pyramids are to their
desert location in Egypt. In very truth, as
time passed on, he became as i1npenetrab1e
as the one and as difficult of access as the
other.
There are some men in the world who can
not endure to be famous. "Greasy Joe'' is
one of them. He never coveted the adrnira-
ton or the dread of his fellows, and when
he realized that such was his portion his
spirit rose in revolt. One day, about a
month ago, he was missed from his accus-
TOM ho1,nto nine 6a1-c> 1y0i1Har
whittier Joe had betallen himself. Some
thought he had gone to the oil regions,
there to pitch his tent beside q we'll and pass
the remainder of his days in one long and
celestial petroleum debauch. Others limited
darkly that he had been carried of by spon-
taneous combustion.
Every body said: 81 told you so," and
laid claim to having always thought that
Joe would come to a. bad end some of these
days. But in the course of time the indi-
vidual himself reappeared and took up his
quarters at q Twelfth-street boarding
house, and it has since been ascertained
that he is working for the Allegheny County
Electric Light Company.
One Of Joe's old time fellow worlmen,
popularity known as 'sDavy," chatted for
awhile the other day with the writer, who
happened to drop into the barrel-house in
quest OF lntormatlOn. DaVy was 1ucllneu 10
be taciturn. and clearly did not care to give
away any of the secrets Of the profession.
''Drink oil?'' said he, in answer to a leading
question, ''why, yes, drink oil. Not much
of it, though. 1 only drink it when I'm not
feelin' we'll an then it's the boss, 1 tell you
Did Joe drink it! Why, yes, he drank it.
Much? How do know? I never seed him
drink what you'd call heavy, but he always
tOolz 0Orna when he fa}1, had -
s'He felt bad pretty often, didn't he2'' in
terposed the reporter.
'sNone O. your business" retorted Davy,
ungraciously. II tell you, though" said he,
Frightening up as he changed the subject,
''oil is immense for sick folks. It's the only
thing in this here world that'll cur, con-
sumption an all them diseases that doctors
can't do nothing with. I seen it myself
when l was in the Oil regions. Women an
men used to come there dyin' by inches,
and after drinkin' the crude Oil for awhile
the color came back into their cheeks am !
they went home with bran' new insdes, /
good for twenty years to come. Just wait !
a minute. You're lookin' pale. Ill fill you !
up bottle and you can take it home an
cure yourself if there's any thing wrong |
with you"