News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-07-28


'NIr Doppenheimer, want to intro
duce q burglar alarm into your house.
| 1t will indicate at which door or WIN
dow" 81 don't want none OF dose
tings. I don bodder me init burglars.
"Once you have tried them, Mr.. Dop-
penheimer-" 'Look here, meester.
If you wash got condriyance what
keeps mine wife from goin' dru mine
pockets when [ wash asleep, den talks
nit you Il leedle bit. ."-Harper's Bozdr.
SUBORDINATE.
''What a very martial-looking man
your husband is, Mrs. Hobson." observ-
ed d caller. II saw him in the parade
on the Fourth, and was quite struck
with his Soldierly appearance.
Eyes, ," responded Mrs. Hobson, "the
Colonel looks well in his uniform,
els he at home?"
"No, baby was fretful, and told him
to give her Il turn around the block in
her carriage. ~. y. Su,.
EFFECT OF FEMALE SUFFRAGE.
First Politicial-There's something
about this School Board election don't
like.
Second What's that?
First Politician-Why, [ mean in re-
laiton to voting. You see, thought
lessly bet n hat with my wife on her
candidate, and he won. I've just dis
covered that the hat she picked out
costs S35. I'll be more careful with my
next hat bet.-Omdha World.
AS THE DOCTOR DID.
Patient-Doctor, how do you think l
am to day?
Physician oh, you're better, much
better.
Patient-Well, I'm feeling better.
Physician-And yet there are some
symptoms about your case that [ don't
like.
Patient-Well, on the whole, I don't
feel so very we'll, after all.-7Td Bits.
NO DIVIDEND.
Omaha Man-What does this bill OF
So mean?
Physician--It is for attendance on
your little daughter.
"You were only at the house once
eyes; but it was a surgical operation
-extracting coin which she had swal-
loved
We'll, it wasn't so gold piece; it
was onl Y quarter. ''-ODedho Herdla.
IN THE FASHION.
Architect-Have you any special fea
lures you want incorporated in the de-
signs for your mansion9
Mr.. Moneybag-H'mi not perticklar
Only must have the two halls J. hear
SO much about nowadays.
Architect Gnquiringly) - The two
halls!
Mr.. Noneybag-Yes; the long hall
and the short hall, doncherknOw.
IT ELIGHTENED HER.
''NTy DEAR" said Magruders wife, II
see that the Prince of Wales calls cham
pagne the boy
ooh, yes. That informations old.
Strange L hadn't heard of before.
But it explains something to me-
''What is that, my dear e
81 now realize what you mean when
You say you are going to see "a man. -
PittsJUrg Dispatch.
BUSINESS VIEW OF IT.
Teacher (re4clina)---f. s4nI TCli;..h 4l,0
prophet Do you know what prophet
means2'
SocnO'af-' eS, me kllO" Nelly we'll
Teacher (surprised)-"Doy you2 Well,
what is it"
Scholar-'Me buy sing fl cent, sell
fifteen cent, pl?ft ten cent. '-Haper'
Bd2ar.
FAIR DIVIDE.
First Tramp-Now we've got to Iii
vide fair, Ike.
Second Tramp-Cert, pard. l amt
had nothin' to eat sence Friday, an You
amt had no sleep fer four nights, In
take the pullet, an you take the feath-
ers N 90 over in that air barn n enjoy
yourself.
TOO MUCH.
He-Now. dear, that We are engaged,
and no one is looking, won't you give
ne Just one kiss.
Sie-You surely don't want to bore
me. Lionel! You forget that | have
passed the last few weeks at General
Sherman Std Bits.
WHAT HE SHOULD SAY.
MA" said BERTHE, "should say
pants or Etrowsers' e.
"Trowsers, my DEAR" said the mother.
..Wen. them said BERTHE, 81 think
Bridget had better give Fido some
water; he trowsers awfully."
AN OLD STORY.
Father of Fair One. eve close up
this house at ten o'clock. y
Brass-Headed Beau. "Thats a good
idea" '.It keeps fellows out who don't
knew enough to get inside earlier.