The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, 1887-04-09
THE SARCASM OF NAMES.
Some Examples of Anything but Appro-
Urimtaness.

priaten.ss.
What funny names people give TO
their children. anyhow. writes Bob Bur-
dette. Not the high-sounding. or fanci-
full. or romantic names; they do well
enough, although they do harmonize i'll
with red hair and freckles sometimes
But real good, sensible names, even
family names. mean. Now, one OF /
the boys with whom | went TO school |
was named Newton, Isaac Newton. His |
ideas OF heaven and mathematics were
equally well founded l shall never
forget his amazement when the teacher
assured him that two and two made
four. He stuck out for seven for long
time, and at length agreed to leave II
20 the class. aud when we unanimously
decided in favor of four he said II was
the beatin est thing ever happened to
him. The day he learned that AN apple,
loosed from the tree. would fall down
instead of up. he sat without speaking
a word all day. dumb under the over
towering burden of this revelation that
fell upon him like the world-renowned
clap of thunder out of a clear sky. And
one day. overhearing the teacher de-
clare that the sun was more than twice
as large as the earth he gathered up his
books and said he couldn't stand any
more of this nonsense. He never came
/ back TO school. He got place as clerk
/ In n coal-yard, where his immovable
| faith in the doctrine that two and two
make seven, and the attraction OF grAyl-
tation makes things fall up. SO that the
/ lighter anything weighs the heavier it
is paved his way to partnership and
great wealth. He kept on knowing
less and less every day. until now he Is
most eminently respectable citizen.
Then there was young Solomon Wise
man. He stood at the foot of the same
class five wears; that was the lowest
class in school He never got out Of it
Said 4 teacher: ''Can fish live on the
land. NisemanP" And Solomon thought
a moment and said: ''Yes m" Then
she said no. and explained why they
couldn't and then asked. Gould they
live in the aire" and he said. cheerfully,
s.Yes'm" But she said no. and explain
ed VIII, and then asked. '.But they could
live in the water, couldn't theyP" Aud
Young Wiseman said. very confidently,
Nome" She said they could. and this
discouraged him. He never came sc
near answering question correctly
again. He staid in school tive years,
; during which time he drove two teacher
To suicide. lie is IA rich man now and
a member of "A local board of clvil-ser
vice reform. When he left school h'
got place down at the gas works. and
: his unfailing capacity for making every
thing mean exactly what It didn't sa,
led To the invention of the gus-meter
Z and SO he sped on to fortune
! Why, do YOU know. / could give
dozen instances of these misnomers
There was Jerry Blackhart, not Jert
miab, but Jeroboum. lie was "A hall
T breed Indian, sou of old Col. Blackhari
. a miserable old thief OF an India
: trader. who called this boy Jeroboam 1
spite the chaplain Of the post. That bo
+ Just loved his worthless old father. AN
! he wouldn't have his name changed 10
. ANYTHING. though everybody shortene
q it TO Jerry. But he was the whitest bo
Is In that school He never used a wor
or an expression that lac couldn't haN
. used in Suuday-school. He was the sol
d of honor. aud was religious clel
4 through He got up noon praye
y meeting in school and ii led to revi
al. and he is IA missionary to-day wor
e ing among his brethren in the Far Wes
lt And there was Nick Doolittle; he vi
at the busiest boy in school. lie read
y firelieht until he was bald at IL. studi,
10 himself into brain-fever at Is; then
\. became civil engineer; laid out ra
roads faster than the Gould family cou
al gobbIe them up. and every time he -
unusually busy he discharges two
D. three clerks because. he says, they z
IN in his way aud retard his work. Fact
e ycu cant tell much about boy by
Il, name except ia the uld-iue SundH
l. school books. where the good boys a
always named John and Charles Al
the bad ones are called Bob and Bill