Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1887-09-21
MELANGE.

to return to her native land. She Will ap-
pear in q brand new play and $4,000
worth of fresh diamonds. Philadelphia
Press.
A little girl who wanted to describe the
Observation-Disclosures of her uncle said: Ills
remember is so tired that he has to use his
forget all the time. Boston Journal.
A poet sent to an editor q contribution
entitled, 'Twhy do / Live?' The editor
answered, Because you sent your contrl-
button by mail instead of bringing it,
Northern Eagle.
English traveller at q German hotel TO
waiter)-"Can you speak English?" Wait
er-''Nein." Engllshman-"Then send
some one to me who can,-NeT Orleans
Tmes-DemOerdt.
Remarks on, would rather have lett I'M
answered-"H ell, good-by, dear Mrs,
Jones. I'm afraid I've put you out by
calling at this unearthly hour" oh, l
hope | didn't show it"-Puneh.
When the base ball professional is at his
own house and hears the dinner bell he al
ways the m at his topmost
speed. He says lit is making a run for
the home late."-Pack.
Aclergyman on a sultry afternoon paused
in his sermon and said: II saw an adver-
tlsement for 500 sleepers for q railroad. l
think | could supply at least fifty and rec
ommend them as good and sound.-Je'rtsh
Messenger.
The mind cure has already abolished all
disease. Nobody has any disease; the
trouble is simply they think they have.
Another society is to be started to enable
people to lift themselves up by the straps
of their boots. -HdrttOrd COuTaRt.
Strangely enough, when two young peo-
pie want to get married they must go to a
minister or a Justice Of the peace to get
hitched, and ii they can't get either Of
them TO do it, that's where the hitch comes
in, too How do you explain this?-Bur-
HagtOa Free Press.
Costa Rica has levied q tax OF 81 per
year on every male inbabitant Is years OF
AGE, the proceeds to be devoted to improv-
ing the roads of the country. If they keep
up this sort of thing the inhabitants will
be for changing the name OF the country to
Costa Dollar. Huntington Free Press.
Miss Lucy Salmon, the new professor OF
history at Vassar College, is one OF the
fellows-beg pardon! She il a fellow of
| Bryn Mawr College and an A. B. of Mich
igan University. Beside these decorations,
ard what Is more to the point, the girls
say she is o. K.-BurLngtOH Free Press.
81 saw Mrs. B to-day, papa, and |
took off my hat and bowed to her very
| --l.A.1. - ANTN,> uar clad 10 hear that
Where did you learn to bow so nicely
asked the fond father, blissfully anticipat-
ing that he had himself been the model,
II saw the hand-organ monkey do It,,
was the prompt reply
Mechanically did you break the
plaintiffs windows?
Defendant-My inveterate love for labor,
your Honor.
Magistrate-HOw is that?
Detendant-Im q glazier, sir Wash
ugtOR Critic.
Customer addressing waiter Waiter,
this plate is not clean.
Waiter g%rumblingly wipes the plate
Customer ldisgusted)-Why, bless me;
you are using your pocket handkerchief.
WATERFRONT worry; it's a soiled one.
- Washington Critic.
Brown-Are you still writing for the
same paper.
Journalist-No; l have gone into the
furniture business.
Brown-Indeedi | congratulate you.
Sold anything yet:
Journalist (glOOmily) Yes; my own
bedstead.- = Washington Critic.
A contemporary asks: Ibid it ever Oc-
m, 10 c-[L-a H>E:F GLO rvuaVp Vf this
country should march en- masse to the polls
TO vote no power on earth could stop
them?" Turn a cow loose near these polls
and the ~eniranchised women wOGld scat
ter zen maSSe." No power on earth could
stop the panic.-Ndrthd's Jineydrd Herald.
Omaha Dame-Pretty time of night for
you to come home.
H~usband-Woman, if you (hicl will read
the papers you will learn that Professor
Brooks Chic) new comet does not rise until
l p. m.
"Oh, yes, you have been looking at the
comet, Of course"
"Why shouldn't | look at the comet?
Dye expect me to sink into and unaStro-
nomical iguOramus Just because | (hic) got
married, say
Murphy want a pair of shpecs.
OptiCian-What number do you uscY
Murphy-Number? Faith, l have none.
Optician-Try these. Hands him a
pair of spectacles and a newspaper
Murphy-The devil a bit can | see
through them.
Optician latter exhausting his entire
stock in fruitless trials )-Remarkable
You are the first customer we have not
been able to suit. What sized print do
you read with the naked eye?
Murphy-Shure, l don't read at all
Washington Critic.
THE times are sadly changed" said a
gentleman not long ago, who felt that
everything was going wrong, and that he
himself in particular was being sadly neg
lected.
I'm what respect do you find them
| changed most?' he was asked by a friend.
''Oh, that is plain" he said; mo regard
is paid nowadays to people of quality"
well, to be sure" said the friend, ''it
isn't so much the people of quality that we
paw attention to nowadays as IL il the
quality of people. Youths Companion.
What yerall dressed up fur?" queried
a newsbOy as he halted a lad of his &C
~quaintanee coming out Of the pOstofice.
"On fathers account"
"What about your father?'
Coming out OF the workhouse to-day,
and We have all dressed up to meet him. -
~ shouldn't go into a picnic over that. y
"YOu wouldn't, hey! II you'd been
there and seen the Judge hesitate whether
to give him sixty days or hold him over
for State prison you'd feel like holding an
ice cream festival. Detroit Free Press.
An Editors Vacation.
Nashriils American.
A Tennessee country editor who went
1 a e. L. w,o,k.Nn lafk kha c,l1nu-