News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-03-03

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"Was he not derided p asked the
Bostopian.
''He was, sah Dey rided him out of
town on rail. ."-Teras Siftings.
MoDVRN SIMPSONS.
"Some of those Western desparadoes
must be very strong men," observed
Mrs. Snags.
"Why? asked her husband.
"The paper to-day says that two of
them held up train yesterday"
"Oh, that nothing. Even weak
woman like you can hold up a traT
when there is danger of some ones
treading on it. it.'-Pttts5etrg Chronicle.
WANTED.
Before we unfurl our banners to the
breeze and sound the tocsin in behalf of
the cod fishers who are not allowed to
buy bait in Canada let us make them
solemnly swear that hereafter they
guarantee their patent boneless Goldfish"
to be boneless. We have been so often
fooled by this alleged bonelessness that
we demand the promise of reform. -
Cincinnati Times Star.
FRANKNEss.
Mistress. The coffee is so strong this
morning that it absolutely bitter,
Kathleen.
Maid -Yis mann. TIL polacem IL an
this bate, do be comphlainiu' av th'
wakeness av it all winther, an durin'
tn cowld wither cook is after humorin'
ta' poor divil a bit.-Iid Bits.
LONESOME
'Isnt it pretty lonesome out in the
countryW he said to the boy whose
parents moved out on farm last fall.
81 guess not was the repy. "Pa
and ma have just as many discussions as
they did in the city, and US children
get licked about the same. detroit
Free Press.
FOR MONEY.
"Would you marry an old man for
his money p asked Mildred.
'Well, I declare exclaimed Laura,
with startled air, ''you surely don't
suppose anything else would induce me
to marry him ?"-PiHsb,saY Dispatch.
OFF GUARD.
Grammar class Boy parsing-Wagon,
common noun, feminine gender"
Teacher-What gender2
Eoy-Oh neuter gender. The tongue,
ma'am, k nder throwed me off my guard
Detroit FL ee Press.
SURE TEST.
Smith -'Doy you think those Indians
in Buffalo Bills Show are real InGians?"
Jones-'1've no doubt of it. 1 have
been there several times and have never
seen United States soldier there yet"
Teras ,Syitings.
GIVING HIMSELF AWAY.
Wife. -"Who s there2"
Husband -''Me, George (hic)r
Wife.-"Go away. l don't know
George Hic. Tepas SftingS.
IF THINGS GO ON.
Anxious Citizen-I give you my word
of honor, l haven t q cent IN the house.
Burglar Blank your money! Where's
your coal bin?-II0 Bits.
ODDS AND ENDS.
MANY man seeks a girl for her pa
value.
"src TRANSIT. "A ride In an am.
bulance.
A MAN welded to his own ideas is a
pretty difficult chap to divorce.
THE Baltimore folks think bank tel
ler is not always inclined to tell.
A NOTE of warDing-Pcople who steal
watches are apt to wind up in Jail.
The cowboy poet recently discovered
IN Wyoming is to be called the poet
lariat.
To the managers of the fishery ques-
tion-A little craft will save the little
craft.
BARS in Maine hotels are kept in the
attics. BY the time a stranger lands
there he is high and dry.
"WHAr will follow the toboggan2"
asks an exchange Another toboggan;
interval about thirty seconds.
AMID all the mutations of time it has
never yet been discovered why a awyer
calls any legal document brief.
A MAN never drops into newspaper
Office to tell about little race on the
road unless his horse comes out winner.
THE cost of the cigars and whisky of
the average man would buy his wife a
three hundred dollar sealskin sacque,
but it doesn't.
AFTER all, there would be nothing so
very strange about the return of Brig
ham Young to life. Perhaps he met
dozen or SO of his wives in the other
world.
WHEN you want to be complimentary
YOU say a man has a large brain; when
' ou wish to be the other thing you call
it big head. Modern phraseology is
mighty qaeer, anyhow.
THE Rev. DR.. r. j. Breckenridge
once asked his mother if she had not
been too strict with her boys. Her witty
reply was: "Who has Wiped out three
better preachers than have"
JOHNNY, I have discovered that you
have taken more maple sugar than l
gave you,' "1es, Grandma; I've been
believe there was another little
boy spending the day with me-"
A PANTHER that was shot near Peoria
one day last week turns out to have
been a dog. The daring hunter who
shot him has gone into seclusion and
pulled the seclusion in after him.
FIRST Knight of Labor What do
you suppose Smith said the first time he
saw that baby of his9 Second Knight
Give it up. What did he say7 First
Knight Let's make knight of it.
CIT strikes me-, said Buffalo man,
'that we do not want any war with
Canada. When we were drafted in
1864 we knew where to 90, but in case
of trouble with Canada where could we
goY
THE Bushnell (nl.) Record, discour,
ages the outguishings of native genius
by in its table of advertising rates the
following: "Obituary poetry, selected,
10 cents per line: original, 1918 per
line, cash in advance"
"WHAT do you think is the most i'm
portant duty you have to perform2"
asked a citizen yesterday of policeman
from whose belt baton has dangled
but few months. "To look for pro
motion, was the whispered reply.
Eruption at Baku.