Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-06-23

friend inspecting portrait, said to thu
artist: ..And this is Tom Smith, is it
Dear, dear! And l remember him
such handsome, jolly-looking chap :
month ago. Dear, dear!'
A rather different meaning from tn,
one conveyed was intended by the ole
lady who said to her friends: "Nt
man was better calculated to Judge o.
| pork than my poor husband was. HI
knew what good hogs were, for he had
been brought up with 'em from hi:
childhood.
Much better unsaid would have been
part of the address of collector fol
charities. who raising his hat to lady
at the front door. began: MADAM.
am soliciting for home charities. We
have hundreds of poor ragged vicious
children like those at your gate. and
our object is "Sir, those children
are mineH' and the slamming of the
door finished the sentence.
From the following. it would seem
that the ceremonious oricntals are not
above marring their politeness by an
occasional speech apropos of the sub
ject in hand. Some European ladies
passing through Constantinople, paid
a visit to certain high Turkish func-
tionary. The host offered them re-
freshments. including great variety
of sweetmeats, always taking care to
give one of the ladies double the guam
tity he gave to the others. Flattered
by this marked attention, she put the
question, through the interpreter:
''Why do you serve me more literally
than the rest?" because YOU have a
larger mouth" was the straightfor-
ward reply.
What are called "randOm shots" of
speech often have peculiar knack of
hitting the mark. Not long since ne
gro customer entered BARRIERS shop
in Liverpool and said: Il hope. gen
tlemen. you don't object to smoking?'
The barber, without turning round
from his occupation, replied: go on;
smoke till you are black in the face"
A lady said something the other day
at a friends dinner that found mark
the archer little meant. There We're
several strangers present, and in re-
spouse to a remark made about a GER
tain lady of certain age. the fair
guest in question exclaimed: "Why,
good gracious! she is as old as the
hills!" and could not imagine in the
least what had caused the general con-
sternation. She did a little later. how
ever, when it was explained to her that
two maiden sisters ut the table, whose
names she did not catch in the intro
duction, were called Hill, and were ex-
tremely sensitive on the subject of age.
An alderman's wife, overtaken by
heavy shower of rain, took refuge in
shop. and proceeded to make few
purchases. You seem very quiet to-
day." she said to a newly-engaged
shopman, who was very attentive and
obliging. You are generally So very
busy" "Oh, gracious, madam" was
the reply. lust look at the weather!
What respectable lady would venture
out of doors on day like this?''
Similarly ambiguous are some of the
speakers in the following incidents. A
pompous physician said to patients
wife: why did You delay sending for
me until he was out of his mind?" 20
DOCTOR" replied the wife. "while he was
in his ri ght mind he wouldn't let me
send for you"
Another doctor said to his wife: You
see. dear. l have pulled the patient
through after all; Very critical case,
l can tell you" Yes. dear hubby"
was the answer; but then you are so
clever in your profession. All. if
had only known You five years earlier.
l feel certain my first husband-my
poor Robert-would have been saved"
To turn from doctors to clergymen.
One Sunday. as certain minister was
returning homeward. he was accosted
by an old woman, who said: 80 sir,
well do l like the day that YOU
preach" The minister was aware
that he was not very popular. and he
answered: My good woman, l am
glad to hear it. There are too few like
you. And why do You like when l
preach?' 20. SIR" she replied, ..when
You preach. l always get good seat"
A crooked compliment was paid
German young lady who said: Now.
Herr Lieutenant. if you don't at once
cease your batteries, l shall have to
hold both my ears shut my ador-
able fraulein." answered the officer,
''your pretty little hands are far too
small for that"
VERY sorry. SIR" said a youn:
beauty at ball; Il am already en-
gagged. l hope You are not terry disap-
pointed?' 20. dear no. miss: quite the
contrary" was the unexpected reply
o. the gentleman.
A case of mistaken gallantry oc-
CURED in Italy. 20 Signorina, ex-
claimed dandy, IF it be true that
man descends from the monkey, how
beautiful that monkey must have been
from whom you desce udr'