Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-03-27
Mbeelin9 Register
BILL NYE
TELLS HOW TO FIRB AN QUESTIONABLE
SUITOR.
The Young Woman Says He Doesn't Suit Her, and
Asks William How 10 discourage Him
William Suggests That She Shall sing
10 Her Lover.
Boston Globe

ings in the Globe ever so much, and
noticing that you have given a great deal
OF advice free, l thought that possibly YOU
would tell me the best method of getting
rid of an impertinent young man, whose
room Is much preferable to his company.
Hoping that I do not intrude ON youI
valuable time. Yours truly-.-
You do not say why you wish to get rid
OF the young man, nor do you state what
is the matter with him; whether he is a
poor cOnversatiOnalist or too fluent in that
line: whether the first two Joints of his
finger and thumb are yellow with cigarette
stains, OF what his leading Characteristic
are. Possibly he has fatty degeneration OF
the thinker.
However, you say he is an imprudent
young man, and l infer that you have o n
through the p~reliminaries of gentle scorn
and such things as that. Now what shall
we do to make him fully understand that
yOu do not want him to remain?
Perhaps you have such a thing as q
Younger brother about the house. If 50
bring him in and let him toy with the
Young man 4 few hours. You can excuse
yourself while you oStensibly put on your
other dress, and If you delay long enough
YOU can cause the young man . great deal
of intense suffering. NOu can take the
right kind of 4 younger brother, with in
iammatOry hair and white eyes and warts
on his thumbs and season cracks in the
hacks OF his hands, and it you properly
sick the boy on his prey and faSten the
door securely, You can come hack in an
hour and do anything you want to with
that young man l know this to he true,
for 1 have been the young man myself.
1 have also been the boy.
There are other indignities which YOU
might heap IN an imprudent and persistent
Young party who don't know enough To 20
home.
| have known young men Who infested a
house that way to be eradicated by means
OF very sad music. They do not die in the
house.
Your music will drive away the bravest
young man who ever tried to sit out = firm
and wakeiul parent,
DO You sing:
II 50, let yOnr selections be of sad and
melancholy nature, soaked with unShed
tears. Should he undertake to draw near
and console you, you might do as YOU
think best about allowing him him to do
81. Ii you think he is simply practising
on You 81 that he can gracefully embrace
another, you might induce him 10 crawl
under the divan after something or other,
and then while he gently backed ont you
could administer 4 severe reprOOf to him
hy means of a fence board. Some use a
picket. but you will find that a fence board
will hurt worse, and so give better S~atisfac-
ton.
Another plan would he 10 avoid laugh
ing at his funny anecdotes. Wait till he
vets through with the anecdOte and looks
up in your eyes for a twinkle OF merriment.
That is the time TO refrain from twinkling.
Wait till he gets TO the nub OF the joke, as
it were, and pricks up his ears to listen
for a wild burst of silyery laughter. That
Is the time To hang on to your silyery
laughter. 1t will give him q panied eX-
preston of ~cOntenance, and you will see
him soon after look at his watch. When
he completes his story, suddenly wake mp
and ask him if that is all. Few men can
endure this for over two weeks.
OF course there are other and more radi-
cal methods of accomplishing the result
YOU wish, but these are the ones more COM
mon in the best OF society. | naturally
supposed that you wanted the methods
used in the best society, or you would have
gone elsewhere instead of coming To me.
Should you finally wish TO be more
severe, however, you can invite a young
girl to he present during the young mans
stay. would suggest that this young
girl be a fluent talker on the subject OF
clothes. Ii YOU both keep the talk going
pretty we'll while the Young man looks at
the album or gazes with u fixed stare
through "A stereOscope that hasn't any pic
lures in il, You will soon have his
p~achvdermic pelt on the fence.
But there is a bare possibility that this
Young man IL in love with you, and would
thiuk il humorous even II you were to NIL
him full OF fine shot. In that case, / do
not know what you ought to DO. Love Is
a strange miSsiye. II goes where 1t IS not
sent, and il refuses to go where 1t Is sent.
II YOU could get him away by himself,
it would be well enough, perhaps, to ask
him il be loves yOu. That's the way
would do. The quicker a matter OF that
kind is disposed OF the better. Ask hun
in amanly way if such is the case, and II
he really does love YOU, and has reason to
believe that YOU were paying attention to
him all this time, you canine IN honor de
sert him now.
Sometimes q girl marries a man to get
rid Oi him. l have known several cases oil
this kind. | once knew Of n young woman
who married = person in order to get rld oil
him, and il worked 20 well that he Ism al
home once a month since they were mar.
rieG. He is the owner ola wooden leg, and
the only way she can keep him ut home Is
to get up early in the morning and conceal
this limb in the hay 10Y ut the barn.
Getting rid Of man Is q very SIMPLE
process If You are really in earnest about IT,
Some girls marry and feed their victims
with bread that they have made them
selves. That is a roundabout way oil get
ting rid of q man.
DO not be discouraged. Let me know
how you get on with the suggestions have
made above, and | am confident we Will
succeed.
Have Won ever tried wearing a large, tall
hat with a stuffed blueiay in 1t TO the
theatre, and Sittingiu the seat justin from
of him. Try il if you have not done SC
already, and if you do not get rid OF nm
as we'll as a great number OF law-ahldlng
citizens. write me, and will suggest some
thing else. Yours truly. BILL NhE
Carrying a Stove on the Road
Chj-qqo Herald
"A new trick among the boys" SAID a
commercial traveller, lis carrying q stove
along on the road. To keep warm with:
No, not exactly, but in the line Of business,
You see, the competition among stove men
Is now so keen that when a house gets d
new parlor stOve-SOmething extra nice
,nt IN their travelling