News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-11-17

had row with my mother-in-law, and
I'll be hanged if she didn't put me out
of the house. The house belongs 60
her, you know.
Smith-You told me day or two ago
that your mother-in-law was very feeble.
Brownies; meant feeble for her.
Harper's Baz0r.
AGAINST HIS WILL.
A convicted burglar was brought be-
fore Judge Cowing of the n. Y. Court
OF General Sessions for sentence, and in
response to the usual question, replied:
81 was forced to be burglar, Your
Honor. [ did it against my will
'D1d it against your will, eh? Well,
you shall have no cause for complaint.
You shall go to Sing Sing, against your
WILL Five years. "-Teras Sltings.
MERE sco1DING HAD NO EFFECT.
Mistress can't you remember,
Bridget, when tell you q thousand
times don't like always to be scold-
ing you for forgetting.
Amiable but Forgetful Domestic
Faith, mum, you don't scold. It's quite
pleasant you are, mum. The last lady
L lived wild used to come out into the
kitchen and stamp her feet and throw
things at me.-Harper's Bazar.
NO COURAGE.
"You say, Mr.. Smith," said the girl,
in low, thoughtful, this-is-a-serious-
matter sort of tone, ''that you have
loved me for five years and have never
dared to tell me so until tonight p
yes" he replied.
"Well, I cannot be your wife. A man
who has no more courage than that
would feign to be asleep while burg
lar stole his baby's shoes"
SOME GOOD ADVICE.
''John," said his wife, ''don't you
spend more than you ought for lunches
down town? L can't understand how it
is that the money slips away as it does!"
"No, M dear, I eat (hic) free lunch
nearly ev'ry day"
''Well, I wish you would give up free
lunches, John. They cost you more
than we can afford"
WORKS BOTH WAYS.
(which is the better weather for your
business" was the question put to a
downtown bartender, shot or cold?"
SIT doesn't make much difference"
was the reply. ''In hot weather they
take little something to cool 'em off,
and in cold weather they take little
something to warm EN- up"
ON USE TO HIM.
Customer getting measured)-How
much are these trousers going to cost
me?
Tailor-Twenty-two dollars, sir. How
many pockets do you want in them2
Customer-None. l won't need any
pockets when I have paid for the
trousers.-N. 7. SIN.
THREE DOLLARS, PLEASE.
doctor, can you tell me what will
prevent my food from hurting meg
"Nothing easier. Don't eat it."
"Ha ha very good Joke"
"Not at all Three dollars, please.
If you have any further trouble, come
again, and we'll try some other course"
Boston Transcript.
SUPERIOR ADVANTAGES.
Furniture Dealer (to elderly maiden)
And there is another advantage,
ma'am, which the folding bed has over
the ordinary kind.
Elderly Maiden-What is that, sir?
Furniture Dealer-You don't have to
look under it to see if there is man
there.
HIS POLITICS.
Chance acquaintance-What are your
politics, sir?
Seedy Man with wistful look about
the mouth)-When Tn talking with a
Democrat, Tn a Labor party man, and
when [ meet Republican I'm Prohi-
bitionist -Burlingt0n Free Press.
ITS EFFECT.
Young Mr.. Sissy to his pretty cous-
in)-I say, Maude, how did my song,
"Home Again from Foreign Shore, F"
impress the company2
Pretty Cousin-Well, some of them,
Charley, looked as if they were sorry
you had got back.
WE'LL ENOUGH.
Wife Ito husband)-I caught Bridget
osene, John.
nuSDdHu-IlOW IuuCu ClO we owe HSI2
Wife-Four months wages.
Husband-Well, let her go on with
the kerosene.
UNNECESSARY ANXIETY.
George" she said, and her manner
betrayed anxiety. "what has como over
papa of late2 He treats you coldly and
evidently tries to avoid you"
"He borrowed $40 of me couple of
weeks ago. explained George. 7.
Sun.
THE FIRE.
First Citizen (baeathlessly)-Can you
tell where the fire is?
Second Citizen-I think it is the
schoolhouse. There were q lot of boys
dancing and cheering down on the cor
ner. r.-BurJjngtOn Free Press.
FOR YEAR.
Wife Zone day after marriage)-No,
dear, don't give me any money; L might
lose it.
Same Wife Zone year after marIiage)
I took twenty dollars from your pock-
ct, last night, John.
BORN THAT WAY.
Barber Ito customer-You are quite
bald, sir.
Customer (who isn't conversationally
inclined, Yes, sir, / was born that
way,
81 hn sun