davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
The Presidents Condition.

The Longcofffn, girls have been trying
very hard to capture Colonel Kimberly.
rich but cynical old bachelor, but he
made a remark, few evenings ago,
that discouraged them very much.
president Cleveland - very well
off, said Birdie.
Kimberly shook his head and said,
with sigh:
He was well off, but he IS not sc
now.
Has he lost his money!" asked
Esmerelda Longcotfin.
stNo, he has not lost any money.
"You mean he is not well off because
he has the rheumatIsms
.sThat's not it. I mean he is no
well off because he is married
After Kimberly left Mrs. Longooffii
/ said: 81 don't think it is worth whil'
asking that old fool to tea any more
Teas SifaiDgs.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
TO, PREVENT COLDS.
The Theory and, Method Advanced Dy
Prominent Medical Authority.

Tho Theory and, Method Advanced by .
Prominent Medical Authority.
DIR. Brown-Sequard makes con-
tribution to. the Societe de Biologie
which will be read with interest.
Every body catches cold more or less
often. and nobody wishes to do so;
hence Brown-Sequard's method
ought to be popular Under the name
of a. .scold'' are included a number OF
acute catarrhal infiammations affecting
the nasal, pharyngeal, tracheal or bron-
chial mucous membrane. I'm this coun-
try we even apply the term to acute
affections of the. middle ear. the eye, the
stomach, intestines or bladder. The
cause of these so-called colds is the
influence of cold, damp air upon sensi-
tive portions of the body, producing
thereby disturbance Of the vascular
equilibrium. The result is a conges-
ton which settles, down, perhaps with
the help of microbes, as the late DIR.
Austin Flint believed, into an inf1am-
nation.
The most sensitive parts OF the skin,
according to DIR: Brown-Sequard, the
l CaEdTTndG SChCClC 1ACssSs ~AO s~~~
and the feet In order to prevent
"colds,'' therefore, one has only to
harden these. areas and destroy their
| constituencies. This is done by daily
blowing a stream of cool air, by
| means of an elastic bag, upon the neck.
and by hmmersing the feet in cool
water. The air is at first only slightly
cell; but is each day made colder.. un-
ill the neck can stand an Arctic blast
with inpunity. The feet are immersed
in water; which is at first at teaPera-
| ture Of about ninety degrees Eahren-
heit, and this is gradually reduced te
thirty-eight degrees Fahrenheit.
| nr. Brown-Sequard's method is only
a more rigid and elaborate form OF
wellknown practice. viz, thst OF dahS
bathing in cool wator. u Will, ne
doubt. be useful if the person is mo-
aged or weak. Such methods, bow,
ever. seem, after a time, to lose theil
efficacy.-Medic1t Record.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
SURE TO BE BEATEN.
The "Masterly" Way In Which the Penn
sylvania Republicans Are Preparing
Their Party for Defeat.

The "Masterly" Way In Which the Penn
sylvania Republicans Are Preparing
Their Party for Defeat.
With big majorities at their COM
mand the Republicans of New York
and Pennsylvania have just demon
strated that they have learned nothing
by recent National defeat. The loss of
the Presidency on their part was due
as much to the widespread popular
impression that the men at the head OF
the Republican organization were
unworthy as to any other cause. 1t
was hoped by many of the boilers of
1884 that temporary defeat would send
some of these fellows to the rear, but
in the light of recent events in two OF
the principal States in the Union there
seems to be no reason to look for such
a result.
In New York State the assembly has
just reelected to the Speakership the
odorous j. w. Hustled, of Westchester
County, than whom no legislator IN the
last ten wears has obtained more
questionable reputation. His methods
have all been obnoxious to decency and
uprightness in politics, and he never
yet gained place of prominence IN
his party without encountering the
protests of the best elements thereof.
| In PENNSYLVANIA Matthew S. Quay, a
| longtime henchman of the Cameron
| gang, has been elected to the United
| States Senate almost without opposi-
ton. He has been associated with all
the scandals of Republican rule in that
State for twenty years, and has on all
occasions proved himself willing and
| an efficient tool of the corrupt bosses
against whose methods the election of
Governor Pattison in 1881 was a pro-
test. As lobbyist Quay has long been
unfavorably known to the people, and
as politician of the most extreme and
reckless type he has commended him.
self only to the rings which have
now concluded to give him his re-
ward. 1t was Quay who worked
hand in hand with the notorious KEN
BILE in lobbying through the Pennsylva-
MIA Legislature the 100000 grab fol
the alleged settlement of riot losses in
Pittsburgh. For his part in that labor
| heInDle WAS luuiCUcus CIlCu,
and sentenced to the penitentiary, ane
it was M. S. Quay, who, as member
| of the Board of the State, had a reso
luton in favor of Kemble's release
ready for the Governors signature be
fore the culprit had been removed from
, the court where sentence had beer
passed upon him.
In the case of Hustled disposition tt
adhere to an old and disappointed poll
, tician is the worst that can be charged
against his party, In the case of Qua,
the situation is different. Nothing bu
p a slavish submission to the dietation o
the Camerons, which would have in
+ duced the Legislature to select an
q creature whom they might name, ca
explain the elevation of such ma
to the Senate. A party so welded t
its old-time idols, smeared all owe
and broken as they are, is evidentl
electioneering for another licking
q Chicago Herald.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
FARM DETAILS.
Why Every Agrfculturist Should Keep .
Strict Business Account.

Why Every Agrfculturist Should Keep
Strict Business Account.
There are farmers who investigate
the details of their business SO little
that they can not tell what branches OF
it bring profit and what are carried
on at a loss. They know, in general
way, whether they are as well off at the
end of the year as they were at the be-
ginning, but they can not tell just
where the loss or gain was made. 1t a
strict account IS kept in detail, it can
be easily told whether a particular
crop cost more than its value in mar
ket, and thus the farmer be enabled to
decide intel1igently what crops his
farm is best adapted for. Lack OF busl-
ness methods cause many farmer
to 90 on from year to year making
little or no Roadway, and claiming
that farming does not pay. Nor is
this lack of systematic business meth
DDS confined to those who devote their
farms to grain-raisingp How many
stock-raisers are there who can tell
what it costs them to raise a. horse or
steer and prepare him for marketP
How many dairymen are there who can
| ten Just what the returns, from each
cow of the herd are, so they can tell
| which cows should be disposed of and
| which retained.
Now is good time for change III
this respect. More system and atten.
ton to the details are necessary in
| these times of lower prices and closer
competition with the producers in Other
| countries. Those whoafnderstand theil
business the most thoroughly and giv'
it the closest attention will secure tn,
best results. National LiUe-Stocl
Journal.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
LITERARY CRITICS.
A Learned Discussion of Books IN
Authors by Two Scholarly BostOnes

Learned Discussion of Books and
Authors by Two Scholarly Bostoness
Damsels.
They meet in horse-car; each gives
little scream of surprise and delight;
they shake hands furiously, kiss, giggle,
and finally settle down into the follow
ing learned discussion of books and
authors:
What you reading this winter, any.
how, Mame?'
s.Oh, Broscning. to be surer
$50 ann T." CThis happened in Bos-
ton.)
isn't he just perfectly splendid
''Oh, perfectlyr'
.tBut it's hard to always understand
just what he means"
Eyes, so it is; but then ] just rave
over him, anyhow.
.sOh, do. too; he's just grandr'
"You reading Howells this winter?'
.'Oh, yes; I've read the Minister
Charge Isn't it good?''
Splendid! Only was just utterly
disguised with the way that 'Manda
| and Statira carried on"
Wasn't you, though? 1t was just
perfectly awful
Eyes, and to think of that splendid
Lem going to sacrifice himself to that
Statira, as he was; declare / cried all
| night over itr'
$50 did I! And could hug Howells
for getting Lem out of that scrape the
| way he did. I just think Howells is
perfectly and utterly lovely, anyhow >
..Isn't he? I read every line h
writes the minute it is out"
care you reading Craddock any?'
| eyes, indeed! Some of her charac
tiers are just too lovely for any
thingr'
ii kmow it! But her descriptive
parts are so awfully long. Do yol
| know always skip them?''
$50 do !. She has full moon il
every chapter, hasn't sheP''
"Of course she has! And it's alway'
popping up over the Tennessee mount
aims on the slightest provocation."
"That's so! But wasn't Lethe Sayle
just perfectly splendid?'
ooh, I just screamed over her: Blu
then she couldn't step outside the doc
without the full moon or a :sibilan
wind coming up immediately"
81 know. Perfectly ridiculous, WASH
it? They say James is going out. -
s.Oh, I think he is just too utterl..
splendid for any use in some things
Eyes, but one has to read so much t
get so little in his books
ooh, how funny you are, Name"
Il don't care! It's so, Lol. He take
TWO solid chapters to tell how woma
gets up from her chair and walks acros
a room"
.'Oh, you ridiculously funny CIR
you! Ishall die laughing"
.But, I tell you, Name, when wal
to read something perfectly splendid
} fall back on Dickens David Copper
field. "
'.Oh, Lol, hush right up, or I sha
just boo-hoo right out in this car,
shall! l just want to be off where
can cry real hard every time think
Dora.
81 tell you, Name, these model
writers don't get right squarely dow
to the heart of things as Dickens ar
, Thackeray did,
+ ''No, they just dom'tn'
, Now you just-do you get O
) he,e?''
g Yes, goodbye, dear"
g 'Good-bye.''
, "You'n come real soon to see mel
e eyes, soiU.''
g "Do, now"
y Eyes, indeed! Goodbye
"Good-bye."
: Goodbye
+ Goodbye '-Zenas Dane, IN P1e
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
A Bangor ice man says that they

A Bangor ace man says that they
never take a horse on the ice without
tving a rope around bis neck, so that If
he gets into the water the rope may be
frightened and the animal choked. The
strangled horse at once puts up and
rises to the surface, and is then usually
pulled out without much trouble, and
when he is well away from the hole the
.,oose is loosened and he gets his wind
AGAIN. A few hours hard work gem
orally warns the chilled morse
thoroughly, and he is none the worse
for his cold bath. BOSTON J0nTas0h
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27

The Albany Journal Blaine
Rep.) feels called on to remark that "a
good many of Mr. Blaine's fool friends
are like frozen dynamite cartridges;
wheH you warm them up at big din-
ner, they blow the roof off,
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1887-01-27
IN THE MIDDLE WEST.
A Story of Life in the Great
Mississippi Valley.
BY klVA MILTON KERR,
CHAPTER XXIv.-CoNrrNuE

COPYRIGHT, 1886, BY THE A. N. KELLOGG
NEWSPAPER COMPANY1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02
Badly Mixed Heather.

Disheartened missionary, returning
to his field after years of absence :
"Oh, unhappy man, you have lapsed
into error and darkness and paganism
again." Chief heather, apologetical-
ly: swell, you see, after you went
away a Catholic missionary came
along and told us the bad place was
full of Methodists, and so he scared
us into his communion then he went
away and Presbyterian came along
and walked us up on regeneration,
adoption and election and we joined
his church; then an Episcopalian
came and we burned our Westminis-
ters and stocked up on prayer-books /;
then he left and a Baptist landed and
walked us into the water and bap-
tized us right, and we just about got
settled when New Congregational
ist came over and told us that so long
as we were heather we had dead
sure thing of going to heaven but if
we became Christians we had to walk
mighty straight or 60 to the ever
lasting bonfire. So we ate him up,
burned our Bibles and resumed busi-
ness at the old stand. Boys, put the
parson in the cage and fat him up for
Thanksgiving day."-Bob Burdette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02
The Creole Maids First Ball.

1t was in the dressing-room wher
the ball was about to come to an end
and sleepy maids we're wrapping uT
beautiful girls in white opera cloak'
and feecy hoods, that Olympic rushed
in. All the dew of youth was in hel
bonny eyes. Her red lips smiled
her 1.-THE form was all a quiver. 1,
was her first ball. She saw Arthe-
mise, and rushed over to kiss her--as
young girls kiss each other. "Oh,"
said Olympic, clasping her palms and
rolling her heavenly eyes heavenward
"Oh, mon Dieu but / have amuse
myself this night l have beep so
gay-I have been so happy"
YES! What did you do?" ask
ed Arthemise.
"Me? Oh, 60 out to supper with
my papa, 1 dance once with my cous,
in Albert, dance seek dance with
my brother, an then--I sit by my
mamma p-N. o. Picayune:.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

asked the stranger eagerly. "Tell
me of the companion Of my boyhood
days"
Dead replied the old man in a
choking voice. Dead and gone"
Dead I" cried the other, taking
out his handkerchief and swabbing
his eyes. "No, no. 1t cannot be.
Maria dead How inexpressibly sad.
Cut down in her blooming woman
hood like a tender flower. Pardon
my excess of grief When did the
sad event take placer"
"Let me see." said the old man,
Tightening his grip on the others arm.
THAT was in the spring of '62. She
was just two years and three months
old the day she died. Cholera infan-
tum was what did it. Cut down, as
you remarked, in her blooming WON,
anhood like tender fl"
"I-I guess I'll have to leave you
now," said the gentleman of the side
whiskers, struggling to get away. 81
have an appointment across the river. y
$50 have l." said the old man, "and
on the way we'll talk about that $2E
| loaned you when you came up tc
Cleveland. Haven't got it with you
Well, perhaps that policeman across
the street yonder will lend it to you
Suppose we"
But just at this point the clerical
looking gentleman slipped out of hi.
coat, galloped down Superior street
turned under the Viaduct, and disap-
peared.
Gurus" muttercd the old man
going through the coat to see if there
was any change in the pockets. "This
is the third time, and they always
leave me just when the conversation
is at the most interesting point
Guess they'll leave me alone after this
Hello Where's my sachel? Where's
my"
But it was gone. The young man
in spectacles had not been idle
Cleveland Sentinel.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

An old man carrying a corpulenI
satchel disembarked from the "City
of Cleveland" one morning this week
and started on his way uptown. Al
the corner Of Water street young
man rushed up to him. seized him by
the arm, and exclaimed:
"Ah, my dear Mr.. pumpkins, what
an unexpected meeting"
"Very unexpected, very" said the
old man wearily. "But my name is
Sagsby-John X. Sagsby, Of Buoy
rus, Ohio"
"a thousands pardons," said the
stranger, very much mortified. "You
are the very picture Of him. What
a misfortune to be so near sighted"
Don't mention it," replied the old
man, adding to himself as the spec
tacled gentleman disappeared around
the corner, "same old game"
At the corner Of Water and Su-
perior Streets a clerical looking gen.
tleman, with whiskers, grasped his
hand warmly and exclaimed: "Is it
possible My old friend Sagsby, of
Bucyrus. It must be-"
THE very same,"' replied the old
man "and you-whY, you are Sam
Jimson, sure as guns" and the old
man, setting down his satchcl, slapped
him on the back with cordiality
which loosened his back teeth.
"I-I-that is-yes, of course"
stammered the side whiskered gen.
tleman. "And how is dear old Buoy
rus getting onf"
Bully" replied the old man. TAX
ing the others arm with grip that
made him vince. "And just to think
that you are Sam Jimson that used to
come and see my sister Maria years
and years ago."
"And Maria, how is she doingi"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02
Accounting for the Mule.

"When was young lieutenant in
the -th Massachusetts, battery" said
the professor to q writer in the Boston
Record, II was stationed with the bat
terry on the railroad track between
Lake Pontchartrain and New Orleans
1t was necessary to guard the line ai
that point, and there was just enough
solid ground on the embankment
which at that point ran through an
almost impenetrable swamp infested
by alligators, copperheads and bush
whackers, for US to hang on to. My
tent was pitched SO near the track
that there was barely enough room
for the trains to pass without tearing
the tent to pieces and smashing its oc.
cupants. There was a freight train
that passed through between 8 and 5
o'clock every morning, shriekiDg as il
did so. For FIVE or six times l woke
up each morning with the impression
that the train was going straight over
my body, and was on the point o.
leaping into the middle of the track
or any place else, but after awhile ]
began to grow accustomed to it.
One morning, however, the train
came through with such a series o.
wild and unaccustomed shrieks that
started up with sense that something
awful was happening, and, just as
was trying to realize what it all was
the top of my tent-pole gave way with
a snap, and there came crashing down
through the roof of the tent the man
gled body of a mule that had been
straying on the track, and had been
casually thrown my way by the loco
motive. The poor animal was not dead
but was badly done for. and I ordered
the guard to knock him in the head
and drag him away. 1t was done.
This might have ended the incident
but, as any soldier will know, it did
not. That day the corporal of the
guard who had killed the mule came
to me and said:
Lieutenant, that mule has got tc
be accounted for. What shall W,
do ?"
81 suppose we can put him down a.
"lost in an engagement, said 1. But
I don't suppose that will work after
all"
"But must l pay for him Z" asked
the corporal.
told him l would think about it
and did think about it little, but the
next day the corporal came to me and
said:
Lieutenant, we've got the mule al
right"
"What mule ?" said 1.
ooh, that mule that was hurt, said
he. Hes all right now."
I went with him in amazement, and
he showed me q handsome mule with
a fresh ~. S" branded OH his flank
l did not say a word. What was
there for me to say.
Within a day or two after that q
poor white planter came around look
ing for something. He said he had
lost mule, and somehow he got into
camp and succeeded in running down
an animal that he swore looked exact
ly like his. But there was one cir
cumslance that was dead against him
His mule didn't have "U. S." branded
OH his flank.
swell, what did he do about it?"
"He didn't do anything about it.
He couldn't swear the "U. s." off the
mules flank, could he?"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

Great is gold. Money can do al.
most anything. 1t can buy men. 1,
can build palaces. It can run elec-
tions. 1t can encircle the globe. 1t
can reach the clouds. 1t can dive tc
depths. But there is one thing it can
not do. No amount of it will enable
a man, while crossing slushy street,
to preserve the innocence of a five
cent shine.-Baltimore American.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

"Ifil wasn't fer one thing. boys
said an old farmer, as he got down
from his wagon, "I'd bet emmy
amount O. money on that bay colt O
mine trottin' a mile in 2:16l. I'd bet
q million dollars eff / had it."
The crowd laughed derisively.
"What is the one thing?" asked
one Of the crowd.
THE distance is too fur fer the
time. ."-Lifc.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

A Georgian returned to his home
after an absence Of two weeks. His
eight-year-old son loudly welcomed
him. "Is everybody well, Willie ?"
the father asked. "The wellest kind" {"
the boy replied. "And nothing has
happened ?" Nothing at all. I've
been good, Jennie's all right, and 1
never saw ma behave as we'll as she
has this time."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

The ground is bare in spots, and
cats may be planted to advantage.
You cannot plant cats any too early,
nor is it possible to get too many Of
them in a hill. You may not raise
anything where the cat is planted, but
the cat will not raise anything either,
and that is were the enormous profit
comes ink.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

When a man kicks at a refractory
COW and sits down in the milk pail
before a select audience while doing
it, and a moment later sees the un-
harmed object of his wrath demurely
browsing grass fifteen rods away, he
cannot fail to realize that this life is
not bed of roses.-Toledo American.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02
A Good Excuse.

81 want to ask your advice about
something" said Kosciusco Murphy
to Hostetter McGinnis.
1'll give the best I've got"
Last evening at the ball / slipped
and fell while was dancing with Miss
Esmeralda Longcoffin."
did che get angry
"You bet she did. / d0ht know
how to excuse myself. l want to set
myself right with her. l don't want
her to think hard of me-"
"Oh, say you we're drunk.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

The newest and finest bridge in
Pittsburgh is receiving a coat of sky
blue paint. A bridge to be solid, OF
course ought to be azure thing.-Pitts-
burgh Telegraph.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

"Why, Allie, dear, is that the way
to begin your dinner'" asked a moth
er of her little daughter, as she began
with the pie, instead of the bread and
butter. "Well, I declare, mamma, I
was going to eat my dinner upside
down; wasn't l ?"-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

There is talk that Sarah Bernhardt
intends leaving her husband. If she
should do so life will indeed be for
him Sahara desert.-San Francisco
Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

If you ask bald-headed man how
he would prefer to be upholstered
he'll likely express desire for mo-
hair on the top of his bead.-Yonk-
ers Gazette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

1t is wrong to poach chickens, but
perfectly proper to poach eggs. So
you see there is difference between
tweedledum and NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

Postponed on account of the wealth
er, as the timid city man said when
he didn't 20 through the sheep pas.
ture with belligerent ram holding
the fort.-Cincinnati Drummer.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

Glass shingles are now being made
in Pittsburgh. They are very handy
for the mother, as she can just see
how it tells on the boy.-Brooklyn
Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

A Brooklyn girl is eveloping a
healthy beard around her rosy mouth.
She will not tell who she caught it
from.-.Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

People who think themselves smart
go about asking questions like this
"Can rope walki" We say, yes
when it is taut.-San Francisc O
News letter.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

A California man choked himselfto
death with tape measure. The cor
oner's verdict was that he died by
ches.-Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-02

Jems says his boarding house is too
slow. He told the old lady yesterday
that hereafter he'd like to dynamite
earlier.-Hartford Journal.