St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1887-10-02

W hiAO L 1CtiO dUOuG oOulCUOOy uTdWluS uuOuey
| in lottery. Last week l read where a boy
| only fifteen years old, in Milwaukee, drew
| $4,000.
| Mr.. Sharp-Who was he?
Mrs. Sharp-Peck's Sun. And now I just
| saw where Sol Smith RUSSELL in Chicago, had
drawn $4,000 house.
A BETTER ARGUMENT.
They're using more mahogany in the man.
| ufacture of furniture now than heretofore
| Amohogany chair makes far more effective
| argument against intemperance in the hands
| of tall, well developed woman. when her
husband strays home in the dewy morning
hours with his breath smelling like a moon
| sinners rendezvous, than common pine
| article with weak back painted yellow.
A JOKES CONFESSION.
I'm joke.
A weary joke.
I'm gag
"A spawned gag.
I've travelled through this giddy world,
Ger and DER again;
I'm worn out, knock-kneed. ring-boned,
blind,
But in the ring remain.
I'm special friend of the journalist.
Who wins his bread by the wag of his wrist
I'm laughed at, cried DER, groaned at and
scorned,
I'm mourned,
I'm adorned,
I'm reformed,
Once week,
As / sneak
Round the world on my mission of fun.
I've got corner ON laughter
I've also filed a claim on breyity.
I'm dandy,
I'm awful sandy,
I'm very handy
When the paragrapher's stock of wit is low.
I'm great on filling space
And always as rule,
Tell what things 1 know about
The inofensive mule.
DEPENDED ON THE STYLE.
English Tourist to st. Paul Hotel Clerk
say, young Teller, how faw is it from here to
San Francisco by railf
Hotel Clerk, calmly-It depends a good
deal, sir, on the kind of rail you ride. If it
is split rail with the narrow side up, it is
about 8, 500, 000, 100000 miles further than
it is by any other kind of rail that you might
think of.
NEW ONE ON HIM.
The dry goods clerk was busy rubbing q
grease spot off the front of his vest with ben
zine when the door swung slowly open and a
man from Kandiyoh1 county, with a hard
looking hat and hair all over his face stepped
in. He sauntered up to the clerk and leaning
on the show case with both elbows, said he
wanted some shoes.
''We don't keep Shoes testify replied the
clerk, laying down the bunch of cotton he
was rubbing his vest with.
''Yaas yer do" responded the man from
Kandiyohl. ''My ole woman said I cud git
sum hyar, an reckon she knows her bust
ness.''
'You must have made mistake in the
place sir, we don't keep shoes here
Eyer can't cum none ov yer funny business
on me, 1 tell yer,'' said the man in an angry
tone. MY ole woman told me ter cum down
hyer an get her sum er, sum err fischus, I
guess know what she said.''
'Oh, f1schus. yes sir, we've got them. /
beg your pardon, 1 didn't know what you
meant at first. Step right this way please.
What kind did she want white or black?''
'Im darned eff know, she didn't tell me.
Yer see sumbody guy her er gold fish 'tother
day an reckon she wants sum shoes fur
thet ar fish. didn't know fish wore shoes
afore, in fact / never heerd tell of fish Shoes
/ guess I'll take er pair oy black ones an eff
they don't suit, Their ole woman II bring um
back an git 'tother kind
WE'RE HIS KIND
fellow with wooden leg was arrested
in st. Paul last week for stealing a pair of
skates. What could a man with a wooden
leg do with pair of skates did you say dear
reader? Heml They were club skates.
HE WAS LONESOME.
Hello, Thumps where'd you come from?''
s'Just got back from Texas
''How do you like the country?'
TOO devilish lonesome down there to suit
me-"
Lonesome, hey?"
tsYaS. T ftJvo111I y,,,t
you see I've been Republican ever since 1
was BORN
HE JUMPED BACK.
"Have you been over to see Griggs yet,
| Charley?''
mo; have your
"Yes: he's just got back from Dakota, you
know, poor fellow. He's total wreck 1
hardly knew him. One arm is shot off, both
arms broken, big hole stove in the back of
his head, one eye gouged out, and his entire
body filed with shot"
'Whew, that's bad How did he come to
| get broke up in that way?"
"Wel1, you see, he jumped fellows claim"
DAKOTA JUSTICE.
[Scene in a Dakota justice court one week
| previous to the municipal election.]
Judge-Mr. Sweeney, you are arrested on
| the charge of stealing several gold watches,
| case of diamonds and $3.50 in money from
| the jewelry store of Slimback last night
| What is your plea, guilty or not guilty?
! mot guilty, SIR
"But the goods were found on your per-
son."
81 plead not guilty, your honor"
The judge goes down to the prisoner, and
talking to one side, says: who are you 60
ing to vote for next Monday, me or Sam Nc.
| Grath?'
You're my choice, yer honor"
The judge returns to his desk and saws:
Officer, l find that the prisoner has been
wrongfully suspected. 1 find that the prop
| erty found in his possession was left him by
| a wealthy relative lately deceased. AS COM
| pensation for the outrage done him, you will
see that he has the best hotel accommoda-
tons the city affords until next Tuesday,
and that ~ county pays for it,
A LIGHT MATTER.
! landlady down in Oshkosh has become
| the subject of scandals.
She made the biscuits so light, the board
ers used them for candles.
| Tom HOLMES