Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-09-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

where the first recorded eviction took
place. The first Eve-iction, we believe,
was from the Garden of Eden.-Baf-
faIo Erpress.
1t has been discovered that Buffalo
Bill eats green peas with his knife.
London society is in quandary
whether to ostracize him or initiate
him. Chicago Tribune.
Magistrate (to policeman -What's
the charge against this man? Police
mantle asked me if it was hot
enough for me. Magistrate : Six
months.-NeW York San.
Old Mrs. Bently Gin an art gallery
The program says that's the Venus
of Milo. Old Mr. Bentley reckon
she must have been killed in a railroad
accident, Mirandy.-Nea0 York Sun.
In his atlantic ode, ''My Country"
George E. Woodberry describes JUS
tice as 1.-THE third great BASE on which
our welfare is founded. 1t was high
time that our National game should be
recognized in patriotic poetry.-LJe.
you say Smythe's new store on the
avenue is closed?" eyes, it is shut
up" "Why, L thought it was doing
an immense business" That's just
what busted it up. 1t was always so
crowded that nobody could get into
it. Teas SJtings.
''My dear old friend. how were you
able to acquire such an immense for
tune?" ''By a very simple method"
"What method is that?" "When [
was poor | made out that [ was rich,
and when I got rich [ made out that |
was poor. "-Teras SJtsaags.
"What is that terrible racket about?'
asked a Whitehaller as he passed a
house on Queen street, and heard
child yelling at the top of its voice.
80, that's nothing" exclaimed his
companion, cit is simply woman
banging her heir. . Whitehall Times.
St. Louis husband CATER seeing
'eHamlet') 1.-The man who wrote that
play is = genius. Wife-You mean
Shakespeare? Husband-Yes; and if
he ever writes another and it's played
in this city, there won't be standin'
room after the first act.-Hnrpe1'S b.
z0r.
Judge, who has invited an alderman
to sit beside him on the bench-Mr.
Alderman, do you think the prisoner
is guilty? just whisper your opinion
to me. Alderman-Judge, he is no
moro guilty than / am. Judge, hest
tating few minutes, then aloud
shall sentence the prisoner to five
years imprisonment Epoch.
Ignorant foreigner you have ag-
ricultural fairs in this country, L
hear?" American farmer - Eyes,
every fall. I'm gettin ready for the
next one now" |. F.-"Rather early
to make selections of agricultural fair
exhibits, | should fancy" A. F.-''No,
stree; takes u good while to train
trottin' bosses, mister. TTd-Bits.
Young wife-O, Mr.. Jones, I'm so
sorry Tom brought you home to dinner
to-day. If he had told me you were
coming I'd have had something nice,
and | haven't thing in the house fit
to eat. Mr.. Jones-NoW please don't
say word about it, my dear madam.
You needn't worry yourself a particle.
| take the most of my meals at home
myself -Pittsburg Dispatch.
Omaha man Gin amazement)-Ten
dollars ward for such stuff as that?
Wife (very naturally installing the
cause of his surprise -That's all; isn't
it bargain? Only ten dollars, just
think of it. ''Why its scarcely half
width" o, don't worry about that,
dear. | was careful to make every
allowance for that and got twice as
many wards as usual. "-0n0h0 World
A citizen of Missouri who has been
a little put out in times past by East
ern newspaper comment on Western
lawlessness, writes to friend in this
city: Il see by the morning papers you
have killed another woman in Hart
ford. Don't kill them; send them out
here" This is sarcasm with a sting in
it, and it stings because the Missourian
is to certain extent ''twitting on
facts. "-Hartford Cour0nt.
Mrs. Goldleaf, newly graduated from
a very humble sphere of life, is fond of
using French word now and then,
and this she always does with striking
effect. As, for instance, when speak
ing of some duty her maid-servant had
left undone, she remarked in light
and airy manner, Pauline is a good
servant-a very good servant-but |
must confess sheis apt to be neglige."
--Harpe1''S Baz0r.
Col. Bowlegs- ''Death and furies!
who has been at my meerschaum?
Julius (the colored servitor)-''Ain't
seen nobody handlin' it, sir. Col
Bowlegs- ''Confound it! it seems to be
full of debris" Julius (alarmed)-
Fore de Lawd, Kunnel, | confess
smoked EN-, but l didn't use nothin'
but Lone Jack. | wouldn't put no
such stuff as 'daybree' in any gentle
mans pipe. "-PhdladelphtG Call.
Two friends are walking along the
street One of them, pointing to a
house says: There's a beautiful place,
but it's enough to make a man sad to
look at it." why SOP" ION account
of its history; for, despite its calm and
serene surroundings, it was built upon
the groans, tears, wailings and blood
of widows, orphans, old men and strug-
Cling women" You don't say SO.
Was it built by railroad monopo-
xxn IL, - 1Yf,o