St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1887-12-04
WOULD YOU WE'D A LADY?
Things to be Done and Things
Better to Leave UndOne.

Make yourself solid with the old folks
the very first clatter. 1t goes long
way towards giving you footing in the
household
Call the old gentleman papa" 1t
won't hurt you and will affect the lady
powerfully for your own good.
If the mother of the lady is handsome
remark as frequently as opportunity
presents itself, the striking resemblance
she bears to her maternal ancestor. If
otherwise, switch on the old man. If
neither is good looking, bank on some
back-number relative.
If you value your life never attempt
to sing. If you sing badly yOn are
ruined: if you sing well you are apt to
Overd0 it and incur the enmity of the
folks mex door.
1t were more than imprudent to in
trOduce the subject of age. If you are
so unfortunate as TO let your tongue get
the start of you, remember that ladies
stop aging at eighteen, so keep within
that limit.
Agree with your girl in every thing,
though you know she is dead wrong
nine times out of ten. l have passed
many chilly evening just for the bar
rem victory of putting in my oar.
~ HldI VI a lldll Oll
the irrepreSsible small boy of the family
has often been known to be preventa-
tive of at least 81 dollars worth of disa-
greeable explanation.
Ascertain as soon as possible the rela-
tlveS, Immediate and remote, of your
dear one. / advise this because many
poor fellow has wandered into story in
which lie fOOliShly characterized a GER
tain man as thief and ScOundrel of the
first water, not knowing that that GER
tain man was first cousin of his would
be partner for life. ReSult-endleSS es-
arrangement.
Never extend your visits beyond mid
night, else the old gentleman may drop
around some evening and make you real
tired with his bitter illusions to gas
bills.
1t is terrible risk to venture funny
story in company. Oppressive silence
may follow your Side-Splitting recital.
You can imagine your predicament in
case there is no fire escape.
SerenaderS with mouth organs, jews
harpS, banjOs, etc, in the evening are
fOOlhardy, not to say dangerous. Men
have been known to leave their homes
armed with guitar and buOyant spirits
to wake the night with their dulcet
strains, never to have returned. Others
have come back mangled and bloody,
having failed to convince the neighbor-
ing bull dog that his presence was alb
sOlutely necessary to the peace and en-
iOyment of the outraged community.
Still few have dragged their wet and
SOggy forms back to their little man
sionS, the OdOr arising from their weary
frames Smacking strongly of diShwater.
These are but a few of the cOnSidera-
tons that impel me to strongly dis
countenance any innovation OH field
very creditably covered for some time
back by the festive tom cat.
Lavish expenditures on gifts is sheer
folly. Save your stuff until after the
binding ceremony is over. You will
then have ample opportunity for thlOw-
ing away your money, | assure you.
When girl insinuateS to you that it
is her intention of entering a convent,
quit her at once. 1t were positively
cruel to offer barrier to her vaulting
ambition. Such women usually wind
up by marrying a gray-haired widOwer
with five of family.
When the time comes to pop the ques-
ton, approach the subject not like one
''whO wraps the drapery of his couch
about him and lies down to pleasant
Dreams" nor yet with the crInging air
and faWning mien of those who ask for
princely favOrS," but manfully. some
thing after this style: MAUD, L love
you" II want you" "Can | have
yOu?'' If she says mo" there is fight
ing chance still, but if she tells you that
she thinks the world of you and will al
ways be as sister to you, take your hat
and go. The jig's up. NJ. j. ID.