The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1887-07-07
WIT AND nUMOR.

VIII AND HU MUR.
Mistress Ito new servant) I'VE
have breakfast generally about &
o'clock" New We'll, mum,
if / amt down TO it don't wait. ."-Har'-
per's Bazdr.
Phrenology is fraud. Look at a
mans trousers. If they bag at the
pockets he has money, if they bag ut
the knees he has brains burlington
Free Press.
A Connecticut man dropped dead in
n store where he called to pay bill.
The impecunious will read in this an
additional warning to them to avoid
their creditors Boston Post.
joaquin, it is said, has purchased a
tract of land at Fruit Vale, Cal, and
is going to establish n Literary colony
there. 1t is possible that they may take
to raising chestnuts.-Bostofs Post.
The official title of the Governor OF
Rhode Island is Captain-General of
Rhode Island and Providence Planta-
tions. The title runs out of the State
into deep water.-Sdn Francisco Alta
!! Writing letter is, to many people,
irksome as it is to hear lawyer reading
your letter aloud five years afterwards
i'm open court.-JournaI of Education
Astonished father-in-law-s.Wa a
pensioni What in thunder do you
mean?" Son-ln-law-''Why, amt l
dependent on you for support Well,
want to be ndependent-that's ALL!
Puck.
Simpson, fell in love with my wife
fifteen years ago. Kennedy-And you
have been in love with her ever since?
Simpson-Wel er-not exactly. You
see, we have been married eight years.
The Judge.
Fogg-What do you think of DoleP
BoggSI think he is one of the biggest
liars ever knew. Fogg-Of course;
he said / was fool the other day.
Bogg-Indeed! Well, / may have mis-
Judged him-Tid-Bi
Policeman (to tramp)-'You were
begging from house to house, and yet
find 35 cents in small change in your
pocket" Tramp-..Well, yer didn't
expect me to have the 35 cents in $2C
gold pieces, did youp"-Jeras Sitfings.
Hair is coming down, according to a
fashion journal-that is, in price only
and not from the top of the head. In
cidentally we observe that the theatre
bonnet is still there by a discourag-
ingly large majority. Philadelphia
Press.
..Dot Abram Levi he opens store
next to mine. 1t wash mean in him. y
but didn't you say last summer, Mr..
Doppenheimer, that competition is the
life of trade?" "Yes; but / wasn't in
no beesness last summer. ."-HaTper's
BazGr.
..And how do you like my playf
..SplendiU So original, you know. ,
..YesP | fear you wish to fatter me. ,
..Not bit of it. The characters are
quite unlike anything one sees in
real life, you know. Boston Trans
.cript.
Bertie-"Pa, is that new Mr.. Hanks
an ice-dealer?" Pa-"Yes, BERTHE
how did you know?" Bertie-'sI didn't
know, only I thought he was, for when
the minister prayed for hot weather
Yesterday he said sAmenpawfully loud.
It'd Bits.
He (after the opera)-Won't you
have something more Miss Breezy!
She (visiting from Chicago)-I believe
/ will take a few more fried oysters
thanks. They're delicious, and PATHS
delightful singing always gives me sucl
an appetite.
Young lady (to shoe dealer)-A pain
of French boots. please; number twos
Shoe dealer Qong in the business)-A:
large as that? James Ito clerk) bring
q pair of small, narrow twos. (Sale
effected, and young lady trips off to {
life of torture.
Lawyer Ito client)-You want to sue
Robinson for $500 for libel, you say
Client-Yes; he has blasted my
character. forever. Lawyer-You think
$500 the proper amountp Client
Well, make it $3.50. only want whats
right -Harper's Bazar.
What makes Mr. Pottleton so un
popular, wonder? He's good look
ing young man and quite intelligent
'.Yes. But he writes poetry" We'll
that isn't crime against society, is itP
''No. But he insists on. reading it tc
you, too. ."-Tos0n Topics.
First saleswoman-Of all the AFRO
giant, disagreeable people ever wait
ed on that woman is the worst. I won.
der who she is. Second saleswoman-
Why, that's Mrs. Chipp. She used tc
tend at the same counter with me before
she was married.-1gd-Bits
''It is good thing to have a friend
IN need" said Brass thoughfully. ''Do
you think SOP" inquired his chum. 81
ought to be happy, for all my friends
are in need, judging from the begging
letters | get from them and he sighed
deeply.-Detroit Free Press.
A resident of Manville, r. I. has a
silk hat which he bought several years
ago to wear at the funeral of his wife.
He has worn it three times since then,
having buried four of them. The hat
is almost as good as new, but a little
out of style--Hutter and Furrier.
at was terrible" remarked Herr
Most to brother nuisance, ito
be deprived of my liberty and con-
fined behind bars of iron" '.It
might have been worse John. What
if those bars of iron had been bars OF
soapp" Herr Most shuddered.-NeW
York San.
"You ought to be ashamed of your
self, great big man like you, to be
beggar and tramp. You oughtn't
to be afraid of work" Il know it,
mum, but i can't help it. You see my
nurse frightened me once in dark
room when was baby and l have
been timid ever since."-Neao York
Mail
If some men would only put the same
amount of enthusiasm into saving
wood that they put into sitting on a
plank and watching nineteen men play
ball their wives could kindle the
kitchen fire every twenty minutes
through the twenty-four hours and
still have kindlings to spare.-Jourmdl
of Education.
The Pennsylvania Railroad has
broken up the largest gang of railroad
thieves, numerically speaking, that
ever infested this country. We are
glad the rascals have been caught.
To the block with every one of 'em