The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-10-29
THE OLD KICKER.
Peck's Sun.

W rainy morning, seats full, and dozen men with waterproofs and dripping umbrellas were standing in the aisle, and on the back platform, when the old kicker hailed the car and crowded on to the platform. There was a strong smell of onions about him, and those on the platform held their noses and made room for him to enter the car, where he puffed and steamed, and breathed hard, as he searched for a nickel. AS he found the coin and stepped on a girls foot and almost crushed her, trying to reach the brass railroad that carries the coin forward, she put handkerchief to her nose and turned pale. The car was as hot as an oven, and muggy, and every man was mad. The onion fumes from the kicker began to ooze out, and in a minute every square inch of air was full of onions. Like all other onion eaters he was unconscious that any odor was visible to the naked eye, until man near him began to sniff the air, when the kicker tried to hold his breath un- til the storm had passed. Finally the board of trade man said
 "Who in the name of Julius Cesar has been eating onions? Great Scott, man who will come into crowded car, after eating a lot of onions, should be hung to lamp post"
 "The air does seem a bit fixed," said the old kicker, holding his breath as much as possible, and desiring to ward off suspicion from himself.
 "Yes, the air is fixed," said the in- surance agent, land you are the man that fixed it. can fairly see the odor come out of your shirt-collar."
 "Put him out" shouted a dozen passengers. "Throw him out of the window"
 "I don't know as there is any law making it a criminal offense for man to eat onions," said the old kicker blushing, and practically owning up to the onion charge. "Onions are an article of food, sold in the markets, and besides they are great medicine. You probably read that article in the Sunday paper about onions being sure cure for insomnia"
 "Better is insomnia with a pure breath, than over-sleep with an onion breath that is worse than sewer gas," said the floor walker "It is as much as my position in the store is worth to stand beside you, for shall drive every customer from the store. o, ge-od, what an odor! Somebody ring the bell and let me get off,"
 "Gentlemen, I hope the little odor you detect about me will not break up the friendly relations that have so long existed between us," said the old kicker with smile. "For months you have treated me wrongfully. You have accused me of crimes, have in- suited me by leaving the car in body when have been telling a story, or relating some experience. have sub- mitted to it all gracefully, but now I have found something that will make you tired. It is onions. I first ate onions for insomnia and was cured, but 1 find that, like the opium -eater, l have fastened upon myself habit that I cannot shake off. have to eat onions three times day, or I become nervous. 1 appreciate your feelings on the subject, but I cannot help it. I have alienated my family by eating onions and none of them will remain under the saIAe roof with me, but I have been cured of the dread insom- mia, and life has joys for me now that it never had before. Shall I now go back on the onion, which saved my life? Never! I shall devote the bal ance of my life to eating onions, and telling of their incstimable blessings to the world, to you heather who have never heard the truth shall be living example of what onions, rightly applied, will do for the hu- man race. Me and onions, now and forever, one and inseparable. I shall carry the glad tidings wherever go. All who see me shall know that I have been miraculously saved, plucked as a brand from the burning, by onions. l shall travel all the time, in crowded street-cars, giving forth the blessed truth with every breath draw, and shall eventually convert the world to onions. I shall publish pamph- let, giving the true theory of onions, and their power to revolutionize the world. If onions will cure insomnia, why will they not cure any disease that flesh is heir to? expect to experi- ment on rheumatism, neuralgia, loss of memory, corns, paralysis, in-grow- ing toe-nails, everything. I believe I can take the board of trade man and cure him of his appetite for liquor. I believe I can cure the insurance agent of lying, and the floor walker of being bow legged. I can, with nothing but on- ions, revolutionize the world"
 There was dull thud, the mud at the rear of the car splashed in every direction tha cor wapt np op1 fha olI