News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-10-20
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT THE FUNNY PRESS MEN
- HAVE TO SAY.
The Missionary-A Difference-No
Winking-A Foolish Question
A Lively Town, &c, &c.
so LAZY.

| so LAZY.
story is told of law Nantucket
| shopkeeper, who was not inclined to
| give up his personal comfort or ease.
| Whenever he saw a customer enter the
front door he would call out from his
| chair:
"Wells what is it; what is it? because
| perhaps, [ haven't got it."
On one occasion a customer wished to
buy pail, of which there was line
hanging from the ceiling, and inquired
the price The sh.-..s-,eeper, without
! getting out of his clair, designated the
| price with his foot, saying:
''That is so cents, that is 623 cents"
| etc.
"Well," said the customer, 'I will
take one of those, pointing to the pail
he wished to buy The storekeeper did
not stir, and wave of distress seemed
| to be passing over him. Presently. with
an air of great perplexity, he said:
''No, won't sell it, for I shall only
have to buy another ."-Boston 7raceller
SATISFIED.
Occasionally the servant has really
reason to find fault. A man appeared
at an intelligence Office the other day
and engaged a girl for general house
work
"Have you any children?'' asked the
maid, before she closed the bargain.
"Only few he replied; and she
took this to mean two or three
She arrived at the house just at break
fast time the next morning, and was sur
prised to see nine little ones filing into
the dining room.
care there any more?" she gasped.
"Well, yes," answered the proud
father: "there are the twins, who can
not walk yet, and the baby
The girl did not stop to unpack her
trunk.-Bost0n Gazette.
FOOLISH QUEEN.
Omaha Man Gin England)-That's a
pretty fair sort of a house. [ believe
I'll take that for the season.
Englishman-'Ouse? 'Ouse? That's
no 'ouse, sir.
''No house, Ell What is it, then,
stable q
"Thats one Of the queens palaces"
"Oh I see it's empty"
eyes, it stands hempty most of the
time"
81 wonder what rent she wants for
it,"
"Rent? You couldn't get that for n
million pun, SIR
ga million pounds! Great Scott
/ wonder if she thinks this is Los An
geles ?''-Omaha World.
THE WAY MADE PLAIN.
"That boy" said q proud father, who
was an amateur phrenologist, ''that boy
was born to be a great fighter-not
vulgar pugulist, you Understand, but
great general or something OF that kind,
but" and lie hove ts-.aael5 sigh, t'the
world is moving, peace waves her olive
branch, there will be no more wars and
he will never have a chance to distin-
guish himself"
eff he was born for fighting, said
the mother, 81 guess we can give him a
chance to distinguish himself"
GLOW, Maria, how?"
'We can make him member of
church choir. - Boston Courier.
GRAMMATICAL CLERK.
Customer this wash?
Clerk-No, I don't think it will. I
never knew it to.
Customer-If it would wash [ would
take fifteen yards.
Clerk-Oh the material can be washed
if that is what you mean. You simply
confuse the transitive and intransitive
verbs. Servant girls wash; cloth can be
washed. Do you catch my meaning?
CustOmer-I think do. And you are
an insolent idiot. Is that plain?
Clerk-Quite plain Quite forcible,
and dramatically, absolutely correct. |
No confusion of verbs there. Cash!
THE BEST.
A shrewd and kindly old gentleman
who is an acute observer of
life, and who phrases the re-
suits of his observations and re-
Elections with good deal of terseness,
was recently consulted by the anxious
mother of one spoiled baby in relation,
to works on parental discipline.
''Can you tell me-" she said, "any
real good treatise for bringing up child
rem? [ want the very best"
''The best that know" the old gen
tleman replied, succinctly, sis family
of six. '-BostOn Courier.
THOUGHTFUL.
Some boys were playing in an alley
off Congress street the other day when n
woman came out of her back gate and
said:
Boys, I want You to go away from
here with your noise. My husband is
very i'll"
''Yes'm," replied the leader of the
crowd. 'Is your husbands life in
sured 2"
ono sir
"Oh, then, you don't want him to die,
of course. Come, boys, let's go."-De-
tr0it Free Press.
THE MISSIONARY.
Edward (tishingly)-'I think of go
ing to the Cannibal Islands as mis-
sionary, Cicely, but you have only to
say one little word to bid me stay.
darling"
Cicely (after moments thought)-
"And did the horrid things eat the last
missionary, Edwardi"
Edward (eagerly)-''Yes, Cicelv. yes.
they left nothing but the bones, ;;
Cicely-"Oh, how excitinpI Yes T
think that it is your duty to 90, Ed
ward. ."-Harpor's Bazar.
THE STORY.
A little girl came home from her
grandmothers one day with n very fin
account of an elegant lunch party that
grandmamma was giving, SURPRISED
that she had known nothing about it
before, mamma made inquiries, only to
find that no such party had taken place.