News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-09-01
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
HUMOROUS NOTES FOUND IN
OUR EXCHANGES.
No Heirs Therc-A Loss Of Sympathy
Story of the Bears-He was
FIattered, but He Meant Busi-
ness-Odds and Ends, &c.


Flattered, but He Meant Busi
ness-Odds and Ends, &c.
LUCKY FOR THE BURGLAR.
Mr.. Poots-Where is that burglar,
Maria? Where is he ! Where's the
villain gone?
Mrs. Poots - Gone to the station
house. Oh, dear, Tn so distracted. A
policeman came and took him. Oh,
John, why did you leave me all alone
when the alarm rung and run into the
garnet?
''Why did [ run into the garret !
keep my arms III the garrett that's why. .
''But you've been gone an hour. -
''Took over an hour to oil up my gun
for the burglar that my arms were not
in order. "-Teras SJftings.
HE MADE PROVISION.
A country cousip who had come to
the city had outstayed his welcome at
the house Of a friend, and, as he showed
no symptoms of departing, his host a
morning or two ago said to him:
"Well, [ don't wish to hurry YOU,
old fellow, but don't you think it is time
you saw your wife and children again,
eh? Why. they will be growing incon-
solable for the loss of you"
'"That is strange, nOw," replied the
countryman. ''I was thinking just the
same thing myself yesterday, and I
wrote off only last night to tell the mis-
srs and the young ones to come up to
me here at once.
VISITATION.
CITY Visitor with family)--Bub,
which is the nearest way to Jobble-
sons?
Boy (sent ahead by farmer)-Jist up
that road If yez be friends of his, ye'd
better hurry up. He's just fell down
and broke his leg. His wife is sick with
the scarlet fever. The big boy is down
with the measles. The sister is as crazy
as o loon. The baby is dying. The
horse has run away. The dogs mad,
and sheriff is waiting to gobble the
furniture. Ye'd better hurry if We be
friends of his.
They do hurry-hurry back to the
station.-TM Bits.
AT THE TABLE.
The Arabs know how to carve fowl
without having the bird migrate all over
the table and finally land in the lap of
one of the diners Five Arabs seat
themselves around large bowl of rice
surmounted by fowl. Two seize the
wings with their fingers and two the
legs, and simultaneously tearing these
off, leave the carcass to the fifth. 1t is
probable that they draw lots for the
honor of being the fifth. It must be a
bad omen to have six men at the table
when a fowl is carved in this fashion
that is, bad for the sixth man if he is
fond of fowl. -Norrjst0tcn Herald.
ME, TOO.
A Washington man tells of quarrel
between two negro boys. The larger
boy, with great voiubih: y, -=as applying
every sort of abusive epithet. The
younger boy, leaning against a fence
and steadily regarding the speaker with
a sullen scowl, waited for a halt. Atlast
it came
'Is you done?'
eyes, is done.
Then slowly and coolly the younger
said:
"All dem dings you said I is, you is
dem"
UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES.
'Do you call that whiskey?" the Gus
toner asked, as he threw dime on the
bar, after draining his glass.
81 do answered the bartender,
as he fiipped the silver piece behind
him.
"Then all I've got to say" said the
customer as he wiped his mouth and
prepared to walk out, call I've got to
say is that if Jay Gould watered his
stock like that he would be worth fifteen
million, billion, trillion more money
than he is to-day. '-BOst0n Courier.
A SECRET.
"Say," said Berkev to his wife yester-
day at dinner, ''you didu't say anything
TO any one about what was telling you
night before last, did youl That's Il
secret"
ga secret! Why, [ didn't know it
was secret, she replied kind of re
gretfully.
"Well, did you tell it? I want to
know"
'Why, no, never thought of it since.
l didn't know it was secret. ."-Neup0rt
(Ky.) Journal.
THE BEARS
Two bears chased a Michigan man.
He climbed tree which was too small
for the bears grasp, but they hung
around the neighbOrhood for five hours,
while the man, who had been to school
and could read and write and make a
speech and vote, remained aloft because
he was afraid to come down. At the
end of that time his wife came over the
same route, and upon meeting the bears
just tapped her apron like she was driv-
ing chickens out of the garden, and they
ran away.
EASILY ANSWERED.
He suddenly began to laugh, and he
kept it up until his wife got tired. When
he was sufficiently recovered to articu-
late, he said:
''My dear, something very funny has
just occurred to me. Why are great
writer's when they die like little Bo
Peeps Sheep
FBecause they leave their tales, behind
them" responded the lady, YEARLY.
81 guess I'll go around to the club, -"
he said, gloomily consulting his watch.
DOG MEAT.
The COnsercator, the organ of the col
ored folks of Chicago, has this to say
about the McGarigle episode $50 YOU
let McGarigle get away, did you5 [
moved it, leastways l 'spected it. You
all was too particular bout his health
an his high toned ways. If he had
been a colored man put in jail for grab
bin stray chicken they'd dun put him
in cell and forgot he was there. This
way maxim fish out o one man an dog
meat ont o mother amt right"
THE YOUNG MAN MEANT BUSINESS.
"Young man" said stern parent,
with the accent on the young, '|do Won
intend to stay here all night boIdincr no1,