Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1887-07-20
TO MAKE YOU SMILE.

| terribly when there Is q thunderstorm
in the night? Mrs. Dumdsey-Oh, no
You see my husband snores.- Bur-
lington Free Press.
"WHAT causes all the drunkenness ?"
asks prohibition journal. AS g.
rough guess we might answer "the
drinking habit" but are open to
correction Oil City Blizzard.
EVERY mau thinks he is about
right himself. An old Quaker said to
his wife: Cali the world is queer ex-
cept thee and me, and thee is O. little
queer. New Orleans Picayune.
| A CALIFORNIA paper says that zone
of the prettiest sights the human eye
ever rested upon is gold in its liquid
state" Gold in it's solid state is
pretty enough for U.S. Boston Post.
In q Bowery Lodging House: Guest
Say, boss, dey's g. blOke snorln' so
in der next suite [ can't sleep. Pro-
prietor-Yer don't expect us to show
folks how to breathe for 10 cents q
night, do yer p It'd Bits.
"DoN'T you suppose" said mem
Der of the police force, "that police
man knows a rogue when he sees
| him ?' mo doubt" was the reply;
"but the trouble is that he does not
seize rogue when he knows him."
"Do you call this q band of picked
musicians ?" said g hotel manager to
the leader of q summer band. Zach!
dot vos so, [ bick 'em mineselluf," re-
Piled the bandmaster. "Well, then,
you picked them before they were
ripe."- Christian Union.
Lady PATIENT. GIVE got terrible
tired feeling, doctor.
Doctor. Put out your tongue.
Lady's husband, Oh! it amt her
| tongue that's tired, doctor.
Doctor (sternly). Sir, your in
formation is superhuous. 1 am 81
married man myself.
GovERNEss- Good morning. Mrs.
Jenkins. Your son seems to be get
ting on famously at papa's. And he's
| quite turned the heads of both cook
and housemaid. Mrs. Jenkins-Quite
a gay Lutheran, as they say, s'pose.
- New York Mercury.
JOHNNY" inquired his aunt, sswhat
do you like best OF ALP" Candy"
replied Johnny. "And what after
that?" inquired his aunt. "More
candy" replied Johnny, after q mo-
ment's deliberation.- Christian Tn
ion.
PROFESSOR, said toe medical stu
dent, "will you be kind enough to tell
me some antidote for water?" 'An
antidote for water" ''Yes, sir. |
expect to practice in Kentucky, and [.
want to be prepared for any emergen-
Cyl Merchant Traveller.
WIFE-Bridget is absolutely worth
less; she tries me from morning until
night. I've g. great mind to let her go.
Husband-How much do weowe her?
Wife-Only two months wages. Hus
band-Oh, well, we had better keep
her Harper's Bazaar.
A THRIFTY HOUSEWIFE Young
Housekeeper to butcher much
do you charge for spring lamb?"
Enthusiastically for hind quar-
ter, num- Young Housekeep-
-sWell, give me the small
est you have. My hus-
band says we must economic on meat
this month. - Puck.
SOMETHING more tangible: At
French Soiree-Monsieur Cashup, zee
Count Moliere. American Capitalist
delighted sir; delighted! Hostess
All! You have no titles in zee
America, as count and viscount,
M 'sieur. American Capitalist-Wel
no-but we have discount. II Detroit
Free Press.
FIRST Omaha Man-"I swindled the
big railroad companies out of $40 to-
day" Second Omaha Man-"It
doesn't seem possible" "Fact,
though. I ordered a. car load of
goods and the freight came to 500
more than the goods are worth"
"Well?" "I made 'em keep the
goods. - Omaha World.
HE-'They say you wouldn't
recognize st. Paul, it has changed SO
wonderfully in the past five years"
She mindedly)-'Ah" He
with little laugh" suppose St.
Paul would hardly recognize me-"
She (who knows him better than
most people)-"I don't think. dear, he
will ever have chance"
The son of q butcher had great diff
fculty in fractions, although his
teacher did his very best. "Now, let
us suppose" said the teacher, "that
q customer came to your father to
| OOJ hfO pOOhOS VI AIOcSO> r~A1o JOoA
father only had four to sell-what
would he do?" "Keep his hand on
the meat while he was weighing it, !"
was the candid answer.
| Gov. TRUMBULL, of Connecticut, on
the occasion of riot, attempted by
g. speech to quiet the people, when q
random missile hitting him in the
head feiled him to the ground. AS his
friends were carrying him into his
house his wife met him at the door
and exclaimed: "Wny, my husband,
they have knocked your brains OUT
"No, they haven't" said the govern
or. eff I'd had any brains shouldn't
have gone there"
A PHILADELPHIA, who was thefath-
er OF very cross twins, was enjoying q
brief rest about midnight, when ne
was aroused by a vigorous pounding
upon the door and the jangling of the
bell. whats the natter" he