Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1887-04-01
BILL NYE On PIE.
He Treats the Subject Tenderly and Tells of
Some of His Experiences As a Drummer

BILL NYE On PIE.
He Treats the Subject TenderIy and Tells o
! Some of His Experiences as a Drummer.
Bill Nye, writing to the New York
World, says: l am in receipt of the fol
| lowing letter, bearing date of Washing
tons birthday:
| CoNcoRDrA, Kan, Feb. %, ISS7.-NR
WILLIAM NYE: knowing that You are the
friend of the travelling man, we do not
hesitate to ask your opinion or advice as
to what course to pursue in matter of
vital Importance to us. The proprietor of
| the Hallibert house, Red Cloud. Neb., the
leading hostelry there, insists upon cut
ting one pie into sixteen pieces, which
only gives one e-sixteenth of a pie to the
commercial man. We have demonstrated
with him about this, but without avail.
What shall we do about il! Please ad-
wise Us.
Yours amitatively,
WILL REED.
HARRY HICKS,
GEORGE THOMPSON,
E. c. LINDSAY,
AsHRvILLE, n. c., March Is. 1887.
MEssRs. REED, H!SRs, THOMPSON and
LINDSAY, at Large Gentlemen: Your
favor, dated at Cencordia, Kan, 22d ult.,
is now in front of me as l write. l hate
to come in between the commercial maH
and the hotels in case of this kind, es-
pecially in order to monkey with relations
that are already strained; and yet some
thing ought to be said at this timo or we
may easily foresee that the overworked
American pie will at length be compelled
by reason of brain fag to abandon the
proud position which it now holds relative
ts our Interstate commerce.
l would like to treat this matter in
a way to insure harmony between the
travelling man and the hotel, if possible:
and yet must confess that L cannot re-
fer to pie in a purely unpartisan spirit.
Pie, l may truthfuliy say, seems to lie
nearer my heart at times than anything
else within the great realm of grocer
les.
l know that commercial men are prone
to ask to much of the hotels at times.
and thus they intiame the proprietors
| have known of such instances in which
the tourist was clearly in the wrong, but
the outrages were always perpetrated
by travelling men whose early lives had
been passed in obscurity. They were
men who knew how to catch a train or
tell in rich union depot tone of voice
how many goods they sold in that town,
but they do not adorn society very much.
These are the exception however. They
are men who represent small houses, and
sleep on four seats in the day coach, with
their feet on the velvet collar of the uu-
assuming capitalist who sits in the ad-
joining pew.
But | was a travelling man onca for
two weeks, and have always sympathiz-
ed with those who followed this business
for livelihood. For some years | yearn-
ed to be commercial man, with sor-
rel travelling bag and a bold signature.
lntlmated to several large concerns that
my services could be secured at nomin-
al figure, bnt there is nothing so puffed
up or so egostical as a prosperous busi-
ness house and so they continued to
struggle on without me.
Finally | went on the road in the inter
ests of Warmers White Wine and Tar
Sirup-a preparation that would take an
old pair of second hand lungs and bright
ca them up SO that a man needn't be
ashamed to dress up in them and wear
them into the best society.
People say that travelling men are too
forward and too bold, and ought to do a
little more of the blush-unseen business.
but L found when | was on the road that
had to be bold, especially at the hotels,
for the clerks were bold, the porters were
bold, and the dining-room girls were also
IN several instances extremely so. l did
not demand the bridal chamber, eener-
ally got tea chest No. Ga, with no knob
on the door, and when | would punch the
button on the denunciator it would fall
off with low, tremulous sound and roll
under the bed.
Speaking of dOor-knobs, reminds me
of hotel man in Washington territory
who has novel way of keeping these
handles clean at a slight expense. He
has knobs on all doors and they are so
arranged that they may be easily re-
moved. He has two sets for the house
one set being white and the other dapple
bay. When one set gets sOiled he re-
moves the knobs, placing them in the
soap dishes of the various rooms. where
the guests rinse them off thoroughly in &
vain attempt to get lather out of them.
After they are dried the proprietor re-
places them on the doors and the soiled
set get into the soap dishes. This hotel
Is now called the door knob chop house,
and with the slippery elm towel adopted
there polish is given to the guest which
he might otherwise never secure.
Gentlemen, in conclusion, 1 hardly
know what to say, unless it be to add
that whatever you may decide to do to-
ward the publication of this great pie
evil, provided you do not actually en-
danger human life, you may safely rely
upon me and count me in. Pie enters
into the life of every true American, and
an unfair sivision of pie will certainly
lead to open hostility and possibly in
testine war. Do not trust the man who
robs you of your pie in order that he may
thrust 1t into his own corrupt system
The tendency of the age seems to be
toward the Capitalization of pie. This is
bound to make the thin man thinner and
the fat man fatter. From statistics now
IN my hands l have ascertained that we
have enough pie in America, if properly
distributed, to give to each adult, exclu-
sive of Indians not taxed, one-eighth of
a full-growu pie and still leave one-six-
teenth pie for each child of school age.