The Warner sun. (Warner, Brown Co., Dakota [S.D.]) 1885-1???, 1887-01-21
HALLUCINATI0N,
You ask me why / am going to mar

WHO bJEhliSo @uu HlSOllOCAN ablo Ac"9Oh
which urges me to this insane course.
lam going to marry in order not to
be alone.
/ do not know how to tell it-hOw
TO make myself understood. You will
pity me and you will despise me when
YOU know in what a wretched state OF
mind l am.
lido not want to be alone any more
at night. l want to feel some being
near, close to me, a being that can
speaks say something, no matter what.
/ want to be able to rouse that be-
ing from sleep, to be able to ask that
being any question suddenly-even a
stupid question, so that l can feel my
dwelling is inhabited-so that | a
know that a mind is awake, that a
reasoning power is at work-so that,
If l suddenly light my candle, | can see
q human face beside me-because-
because (how can | dare avow my
acknowledgements l am afraid when l
am by myself.
Obi you do not yet comprehend me?
am not afraid of any danger. If a
man were to come in | would kill him
without a shudder. have no fear OF
ghosts; / do not believe in the super
natural. | am not afraid of the dead;
Ebelieve in total humiliation ofevery
human being that passes away.
Then! Yes. Then! Welll l am
afraid of myself! am afraid of be-
ing afraid; afraid otthe mentalspasms
chat are driving me mad; afraid ofthe
horrible sense of incomprehensible
terror.
Laugh if you pleased 1t is hideous;
IL is incarable. | am afraid Of the
walls, of the furniture, Of familiar OBJ
iects which seem to me to become ami
mated with a sort of animal life.
Above all l am AFRAID of the horrible
confusion Of my mind, the confusion
ofmy reason whichgoes from me, all be-
logged, dissipated by some mysterious
and inexplicable anguish.
First. 1 feel a vague disquiet that
passes into my mind and makes all
my flesh creep. l look around me.
Nothing! And / feel q need of some
thing. OF what? Something incom-
nrehensible. Then | become afraid,
simply because / cannot comprehend
my fear.
/ speak, / am frightened by my
own voice! Then / am frightened by
the Unknown which is behind the
door, or behind the curtain, or inside
the armoir, or under the bed. And
nevertheless / know perfectly we'll
there is really nothing in any Of those
places.
turn round suddenly because l am
afraid Of what is behind me, although
there is really nothing behind me, al
though / know it!
/ become nervous, / feel the scare
growing upon me; and | lock myself
into my room, and bury myself in my
bed. and / hide myself under my bed
clothes; and covering there, gathering
myself up like a ball, / shut my eyes
In desperation, and thus remain for a
seemingly infinite length of time, OPP
pressed by the thought that my candle
u still burning on the little table be-
side the bed, and that I should really
&fcw, - rs,k An1 lawn ~Akf
In it not frightful to be in such q
condition.
There was a time when / never felt
that way. / used to 60 horne feeling
calm. / went out and came in with
out anything to trouble the serenity
OF my mind. If / had been told
what q stupid and terrible disease of
feAr-Of incredible fear-would come
upon me in after days, / certainly
would have laughed. / used to open
the doors in the dark with perfect con-
6dence; / used to make my prepare
tions for going to bed quietly, without
v boiling myself In, and l never
Thought OF getting up in the middle of
the night TO see If all the entrances to
my Don were strongly secured.
The trouble began last year in q
singular way.
1t was Ia autumn, on acertain damp
evening. When my housekeerar had
taken her departure, after Ihad dined,
asked myself what ! was going to
DO. For some time / walked up and
down my own room. | felt myself
weary, u~nreasonably depressed, inca
pable Of doing any work, lacking even
the mental force to read. A fine rain
was moistening the window panes; /
was melancholy, all permeated By one
or those causeless attacks OF despon-
dency which make you feel inclined to