Daily Republican., 1887-09-21
.IsrH IAxD arRsIs.xr.

lSOme,
i VI do not desire wealth for itself"
remarked philosopher. "No." re-.
Iplied cynic; II suppose you desire it
for YOURSELF"
"The coolest man." declares q con.
Temporary, sis the man who takes
things easiest" Exactly. Such
man is very apt to get into the c1oler.
i Scene-Swiss mountain. Guide. "If
the ladies will only stop talking, your
honor may hear tn, roaring of the
waterfall across the valley"
| Wife: "Now that you have bought
COW, who will milk herr" Husband:
"Oh, he says the calf does that. So
we'll have all the milk we want"
AT a ball, In lieu of mot transfera-
be" on the tickets, notice was posted
over the door, "No gentleman admit
ted unless he comes hisself."
A young gentleman, speaking of a
Iyoung beauty's fashionable yellew
hair, called 1t pure gold. ''It ought
to be-" quoth X. ''it looks like TWEEN
ty-four carrots"
Mistress: Jane, whatever is the
matter with your hair" Servant:
MADAM, it's the cavalry regiment;
they all wanted lock Of my hair be-
fore they left"
1t is all very well to say there is
nothing in name; but suppose man
named Slaughter should start sum
mer hotel, and called it the Slaughter
IIousep
Mistress: "Bridget, everything in
the house is covered with dust. l
can't stand this dust any longer. 4"
Bridget: ''Do as l do, mum. Don't
ipay any attention to it."
The newspapers say that "all is
hustle and activity in the best society"
Just now. We can corroborate this
statement in so far as the hustle is
concerned. The activity we had not
heard of.
Friend Jones, prepare to hear bad
news.' MY grscious!-spcak!-w
Is it9" "Your wife is deadW "Uh.
dear, how you frightened me. l
thought my house was burned down."
Con. for Young Ladies. (which let
ter in the alphabet is of the utmost inn
Eportance to Young lady, and why?
The letter "i," because upon it de.
pends whether her life will be married
or marred.
"Ephra'm, does de good book say
dat We are made OBJ de dust?" Eyes,
Augustus; yes, sab. And dat we must
return TO de dust" "Yahi yahl yahl
is dat so? Well den, l guess it must
be coal dust"
To n lady who was importuning
him to direct her son into paying
business, Lord Rothschild remarked:
"Madam, any business is good; selling
matches even is splendid business ii
! you do enough of it,"
Look, dear! There's your husband
going in to supper with Mrs. Scuda-
more, a dangerously attractive woman.
Let me warn you'll" "How good of
you! How wish he was going in to
supper with you, dear, instesd'
"Yes, Mr.. Oldboy." she simpered.
~ have seen twenty-seven springs.
Would you think it?" "Well, yes,
ma'am, don't know but what l
should" Mr.. oldboy said; land l
fancy some OF them springs must have
been very backward"
II wish l were you for about two
hours" she said, with great tender
ness. "And why, my DEAR" he asked,
with considerable interest "Because,"
she said, toying affectonately with his
watch chain-'because then l would
buy my wife new bonnet.
Excited wife: "Oh, John! John!
Quick! run for doctor" Half
dressed husband: "What's the matter
with you, anyhow" "Baby has
swallowed your collar-stud." allow
on earth do you expect me to get
ready to 60 for doctor without that
collar. STUDIO
"Do you think" she asked dreami-
| ly, as he sat beside her at the circus,
that this is the same elephant l saw
when was childy' NO." he an
swered, with scornful candor; "you
know elephants only live to be two
hundred years DID," She has another
beau now.
An Irishman was directed by a
lady of large size to secure and pay
for two seats in stage coach, as she
wanted comfortable room in aiding.
The fellow returned and said. ave
paid for the two seats you towld me
to; but as l couldn't get but one for
the inside of the coach, l TOOK the
t other for the outside"
AZ would marry you." said lady to
an importunate lover, "were it not for
three reasons" "Oh, tell me- he
said imploringly, "what they are, that
l may remove them" 1.-THE first is"
said she, II don't love you, the second
lis don't want TO love you, and the
third is, l couldn't love you if want
led to-"
Rubinstein, when at Leipzig, was
one day visited by very pretty girl,
who asked permission to play to him
After her somewhat doubtful perform
ance, she rose and asked the grea
master, who smiling ironically, "What
shall l dol" "Get married." was
Rubinstein's lsconic answer, given in
a tone of conviction.
A savant, whose wife has a high
temper, being applied to by commit
tee tor information rs the best method
of being blown up by steam boiler,
said, with sigh: "Ah! gentlemen,
that is of small consequence; but |
should consider it great boon if some
one would discover method whereby
a man could escape being blown up by
his wife,"
A solemn queston-At q recent
church meeting a solemn and most ex-
emplary deacon, submitting report
of the destitute widows and others
standing in need of assistance, was