News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-02-24
A BATCH OF STRAY JOKES
GATHERED IN FROM ALL QUARTERS
NO CHESTNUTS HERE.
Truthful TOmmy-A Surprise-Her Pride
TOuched-The DarikIe's Request-In the
Near Future-A ACOnsolRtiOn-Odds and
Ends. Etc, Etc.
HIS MISFORTUNE.


Ends. Etc, Etc.
HIS MISFORTUNE.
He was having his fortune told.
81 see" said the medium, contractin!
her eyebrows and turning her toes in
81 see the name of John"
eyes" said the sitter, Indicating tina
he had heard the name before.
''The name seems to have given you
great deal of trouble"
"It has"
"This John is an intimate friend :"
"That's So" he said, wonderingly.
''And often leads you to do thing
| yoT are sorry for"
True, every word"
ellis influence over you is bad.
''Right again"
s'But you will soon have a seriou
quarrel, when you will become es
tranged"
'I'm glad of that. Now spell out hi
whole name"
The ''meejum" opened one eye anC
studied the face of her sitter. Then SHE
wrote some cabalist1c words and handed
it to him in exchange for her fee.
"Do not read it until you are al
home" she said solemnly. cit is your
friends whole name"
When he reached home he lit the gas
and gravely examined the paper. There
he read in picket fence characters, the
name of his "friend": ''Demi-Johnn y
Detroit Free Press.
ONLY A PETIT LARCENY.
Senator Dawes does not pose as a
humorist, but his wit is keen at times.
During the boundary line controversy
between Massachusetts, and Rhode
Island the subject came up at dinner
table in Washington, and a Rhode
Island member of Congress, waxing IN
dignant over it, exclaimed to Mr.. Dawes
'Dawes, it's a shame for Massachu.
setts to attempt to steal part of Rhode
Island; it's confo unded shame!'7
'Don't make so much fuss about it, u
retorted Dawes. eff we should steal
YOUR whole State it would only be a
petty larceny, and Justice of the Peace
would have Jurisdiction. ."-BoS on Jour-
n0t.
HOW PA WRITES.
A bright little boy, who is attending
school, rather innocently exposed the
paternal deficiency the other day. The
teacher was showing him how to write
his name, having set a copy for him to
follow.
''Must I write it all alone ?" he in
quired.
"Of course" was the teachers an
''Pa don't write that way" the young
ster demonstrated.
GLOW does he write 2" asked the
teacher.
ooh, ma takes the pen and writes
some, and then pa makes a big letter
X."-Bost0n Budget.
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
Poor Man-I'd like to pawn this mug
get.
Pawnbroker-- Anthracite or bitumin-
Gus
Poor rMan--Anthracite.
Pawnbroker - Chestnut or egg =?
Poor Man-Egg
PaWnbroker Rachel, what is the
stone in Rebecca's ring
Rachel-A bituminous chestnut.
Pawnbroker Ito poor man)-Il give
YOU thirty cents and tins diamond for
the anthracite egg. Rache is going to
a party to night, and it would make her
sick if she didn't wear the biggest fam
inc stone in town. Chicago Herald.
HE COULD TELL.
HMust be pretty cold out your way"
he observed to a farmer who had just
come into market with his whiskers full
of frost.
eyes, tolerable."
"What did your thermometer reg
lister -
81 hain't got none"
81 should think you'd want to know
how cold it was"
mo, don't heer much. [ kin allus
tell by touching my tongue to the axe
whether it's last summer or this winter"
Detroit Free Press.
BINDING UP A WOUND.
A man, upon entering yard surround
ING a cabin, was bitten by dog. Just
then an old negro came out, and nod
ding to the man who was writhing in
pain, said:
''De animal bite yer, san !.
"Of course he did. Came very near
tearing me all to pieces"
''Sorry, sab, but l tells yer whut's er
fack. Yer ken boas' dat yer wuz bit by
de fines dog in dis neighborhood. l
= ten dollars yeah er TO las fur dat
pup, an Use found dat he's wuth it. y
ArkansttO Irageter.
VERY NEAR 1T.
1t was a little newly arrived sister that
nurse held in her arms, and seven-year-
old Robbie stood jealously inspecting
her. To his mind she looked smaller
and less attractive than any Ii tie sister
of the other boys that he could remem-
Der, and he felt keen thrill of disap-
pointment So he put his hands deep in
his pockets like papa, wrinkled up his
nose, and, regarding the new acquisition
savagely, said:
"Well, call that pretty near fail
ure r'-Detroit Free Press.
THE COAL sTKIKE.
Lawyer-How much for carrying in
that coal, Uncle Rastus
Uncle Rastus-One dollah, sab.
Lawyer-A dollar! That's too much.
Uncle Rastus-Yo' mus bar in min,
sab, dat it TUX yeahs of had experience
befo' / wuz cognizant ter carry in coal.
NV poo ole fadder an mudder, sab,
mus a licked me a thousand times
when dey wuz rarnin' me ter carry coal.
Hits like de law business, boss, yuse
got ter ch ge fer educashun.-Ha7per'S s
Weekly.
AT The FRAME.
Printer Gin morning newspaper office {:
"Here's a word in this copy | can'tmake
out. The take begins picked up his
what in the Sam Hill is that word ? 1t
looks like bundle, or bunch or buckle.
Slug IA, you've got the take ahead of
this. v hats your last word ?''
Slug II: alderman"
Printer: THUNDER! The words
easy enough to read now. Picked up
his DOODLE Than s. s."-Chicaqo 1Tl-
b1ne.
TIE END.
A woman was seated in cutter in
front of a store on Monroe avenue the
other day, when the horse began to
kick, and pedestrian caught him by
the bride, and observed:
"Seems as if he was frightened at
something"
perhaps he is, replied the woman,
as she tumbled out. ''but | always
thought the front end of horse got
scared first Detr0HFree Press.
TIE FIRST THERE.
"Father, when a man wants to brlbe
an alderman, does he 60 to him and
o Eer him a certain sum ~
THAT depends, William"