Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1887-04-09
THE FLIPKINs FUNERAL


B
Flipkins was missing. He had not been
home since Monday. He had been seen in
Al intoxicated condition on an East River
pier In New York, which he had mistaken
FOR the Brooklyn bridge.
-Shee here old feliers WaZzer mazzer
With the carsf LOOZer grlp agalnf Darn
Did feOls think I walk over the bridge?7
That's what he said TO the man who saw
him there.
That settled it, and the police said. OF
course, he had walked overheard, and they
lcOmfOrted Mrs. Flipzins BY saying that he
would lie up in a week and hoat around
the dock until some one would hook on to
him. and they would notify her when he
was brought to the mOrgue.
That was poor consolation to Mrs. Flip
kins. He had cost her lots of money.
Half of her fortune he had lost in Wall
street, and now she would have to otfer a
reward for his corpse and the funeral
would Re much more expensive than If he
had stayed at home and died Of any one Of
the dozen or more good Old-fashiOned ALL
lments that carried on our daddies.
The next day the following advertise
lment appeared in the morning papers:
$500 REWARD
Missing, since Monday afternoon, AlgOmar
Fupkins Last seen on Pier 10, East River.
Supposed 70 have fallen overheard and
drowned. The missing man was 5feet 9 inches
tall, Of nOrId comp leLl0n, and weighing about
l75 pounds; blue eyes sandy hair, and with
Wart on his nose, the end OF which organ was
prominent and red The above reward VIII be
paid for recovery Of his body by his bereaved
widow, to whom all Information viii be adj
dressed at her residence No. 1772 West Fifty
third street
Among the many boatmen who play the
part Of CATER HeXam around the river
front of this great metropolis who sighed
with hopeful anhcipatOns when they saw
this reward offered was one named Tim
AiulroOny. Now Tim had a brOther-in-law
named Spoggles who was an undertaken,
and they both were seized with a longing
desire TO handle the corpse Of the missing
Algomar Flipkins.
&Och be dad, an III have that reward if
I have to drown a spalpeen with a Wart on
his nose that fills the description" ex-
claimed Tim to SpOggles.
Eyes, Tim, we must git him something,
and while you are hunting the body III run
up and strike q bargain with the widow for
the funeral, and, as Artemus Ward said
you'll have the corpse ready"
Now, however uncertain Elipkins might
have been in life, he appeared to act SPLEEN
/ didly as a drowned man; Just as though he
knew that the reward had been offered and
/ that Tim MulrOOnY was waiting for him to
come up, and SPOggles all readyto lay him
out in the residence he had occupied with
! the bereaved widow, when he wasn't visit
| ing some other widow. Right under the
| bow of Tins boat one morning popped
up the late AlgOmar Eipkins, as far as re-
| semblance to the description was concerned.
| Same height, blue eyes, sandy hair, promi-
nent nose, and identical waFt on the end of
/ it. Normal size was about right, although
he was bloated until he looked something
l like the stuffed remains Of the late lamented
I Jumbo.
When Spoggles, in funereal voice, in
| formed Mrs Elipkins of the finding of the
| corpse 1t was but natural that she should
await recognition of the remains at her
! desOlate home, especially as SpOggles had
/ got the inquest through without her pres
| ence, and by ten o cl9ck that night had the
! corpse screwed down in an alright burial
/ case and laid out IN the parlOr OF the Flip
I kins mansion.
The condition of the remains was such
/ that even the widow did not care to gaze
/ long upon the swollen face, but with tears
/ dimming her eyes she recognized her late
/ companion, and, fOrgetful of his many
/ faults and shortcomings in life, remem-
/ bered only his virtues, and as the great
/ COney island surf, she thought of the days
/ of their early love and happiness.
/ As usual friends came to sit through the
/ lonely watch Of tie long night, and, as is
customary, after midnight they were in
Vited into the basement to lunch, leaving
| Spoggles and Tim MulroOny with the
| corpse. Fortunate circumstance for the
/ enterprising undertaken and his relative,
Tim, for scarcely had the last watching
| friend vanished down the basement stairs
ere the front door opened and, with a most
/ unsteady gait, IN walked the old, original,
genuine AlgOmar Flipkins.
/ ~MaZZer maZZer hereI RObbing the
hOuse?" exclaimed Elipkins as he tried to
| steady himself against the door, which
rapidly receded and landed him against the
foot of the coffin.
@Oh, no." replied spOggles, @Tm the
undertaken.
"Ish this funeral?"
yes, a distant relative Of Mrs. Flipkins
is dead"
@Wazzer dishtant relative doing here in
my hOuse?"
/ For heavens sake get him out of here,
Tim, " whispered SpOggles.
"Yes, ire the distant relative out,
chimed in Flipkin5.
"Au right, said Tim. "Begora, and
that's what weu be afther doing as
/ soon as I'm back from taking a drink
Shure, and viii ye be afther taking a drink
Wild me, AIisther Flipkins?"
This invitation touched a tender spot in
| the nature of Flipkins, and, with Tim hold
I INC him by the arm to steady him, they
went out on the street in search of a con-
vivial bar-rOom kept by a friend Of Tins.
! In an hour Tim returned alone and Whis-
pered to SpOggles:
"Shure, and he's asleep at Barney
/ OFlynns, and he'll nOtturn up until afther
| the funeral"
THANK heaven for our narrow escape,
exclaimed SpOggles. you've got your
money, Tim, and if I can only put the
funeral through they Will be compelled to
/ pay me, Flipkins or no tlipkins.
/ Tim had arranged well. There was no
/ genuine FIipkins around the next day to
| fire out the bogus EHpEins, and the long
I funeral train of plumed hearse and slowly
| moving carriages wendell its way TO Green
wood, and the desOlate widow heard the
/ clods fall on the coffin, and the last duty TO
/ the dead was performed.
The shades of night had gathered ere
! the weeping widow returned to her desOlate
/ home, accompanied by Spoggles and Tim,
/ who had gone back to gather up the under
/ takers outfit, and while they were in the
/ parlOr the widow went up stairs to lay aside
/ her bonnet and flowing veil.
| Suddenly a scream broke the stiffness.
"Och, be CORA. an ould FlipAins is up
! there" exclaimed Tim Lets be afther
! seeing the fun," and they rushed up stairs
/ to find the widow stretched On the floor In
/ a faint and an apparition in white stag
! gering around the room, muttering:
| -WaZzer maZZer, AIariar2'
1t was the genuine Fliplzins, who had
/ reached home while the funeral was in
! progress, and, pulling of his outer cloth
I ing, he had, in his inebriated condition.
made the mistake Of putting on one of hi
| Wifes night gowns, which made him loo
| like a veTitable ghost
"Och, bedad, and phat the divl are ye
| comm back for atther yer dead an buried.
and scarin' fits out Of yer widow fer?' ex-
claimed Tim. "Be gobs an III have the
cop arrest We"
at ish false, my dear, replied Flipkins,
as he steadied himself against the mantel;
ave not been dead; it was Eat dam old