Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1887-12-21
THE FUNNY CONTINGENT.

"WHAT kind of boys go to heaven ?"
asked the Sunday school superintend-
ent. ''Dead boys" yelled the young
est member of the infant Glass; Jor-
dan IN. " Times.
The man who moves down LIES
path and finds it strewn with sweet
surprises is he who knows just howit's
done, who keeps g. store and adver-
tlses.-[ Lincoln Democrat.
LITTLE girl-"Oh please, sir, I've
brought your shirt 'ome, but mother
says she can't wash it no more, cos
she was obliged to paste it up again
the wall and chuck soap suds at it, it's
so tender!"
THE following is the reply which g.
man sent to a bill from his book
seller: 81 never ordered the book; if
| did you didn't send it if you sent it
| never got it; if got it raid for it;
if didn't, WON'T"
A NEW contemporary is the Curio.
1t Is devoted largely to books, coins
and pedigrees. 1t hardly seems nec-
essary to devote much space to pedi.
grees. Ii one has coins pedigrees be-
come an unnecessary LUXURY Life.
WIFE Tin hoarse whisper) "Moich-
ael Moichael wake up! Thurs g.
1nurtherin' thafe in the room!" Mich
ael-"Whist, now, Rosie; be aisy. I
hev me OF on m, an Of he foinds ony-
thing I'll git up an take it froom
'im."-[ Harper's Bazaar.
DUMLEY lat the supper table, Yes,
[ have spent most of the day at the
dentists. Mrs. Hendricks (the land
lady)-Are you having your teeth
filled, Mr.. Dumley? Dumley (strug-
CLING with a STEAK -Yes, ma Jam; filled
and sharpened.-[New York Sun.
THE 4-year-old daughter of Boston
druggist has prepared to recite in Sab
bath school the line, "Search the Scrip
lures" When the teacher asked for
her verse, however, she hesitated, then
bravely uttered the words, "Hunt for
the prescriptions Boston Times.
CIT is sweet to be trusted" says g.
poet. True, but how much sweeter to
have the wherewlthal to discharge
ones obligations, and thereby win the
honeyed amiability of the grocer and
the privilege OF pasking in the radiant
afability OF your tailor.-[ Burlington
Free Press.
YOUNG Fresh has called on Miss x.
and has been entertained with con-
versation and music till he is as dry
as a grilled bone. Miss x, at the
piano-Would you like a. little Bee
thoven, Mr.. Fresh? Young Fresh,
eagerly-Just a few drops, please.-
| Flown Topics.
BOBBY was spending the afternoon
at his aunt's and for some moments
had been gazing out Of the window in
q painfully thoughtful sort of way.
"What makes you so serious, Bob
by? ?" asked his aunt. "Why, ma told
me that must remember not TO ask
for anything to eat, and I'm trying to
remember - Sun.
LAWYER-You say you made an ex-
animation Of the premises. What did
you find? Witness-Oh, nothing Of
consequence ''beggarly account Of
empty boxes" as Shakespeare says.
Lawyer-Never mind what Shakes
peare said. He will be summoned and
| abls to speak for himself, if he knows
anything about the case.
VISITOR Ito convict)-What brought
you to this place, my frind? Convict
"A combination of things sir, over
which I had no control. Visitor
| Shaking his head)-Ah, my friend,
you deceive yourself. Every one can
respect the law if he tries. What was
the combination of things? Convict
Two dep1ty-sheriffs, slr.-lTid-Bits.
HENDERSON was quite exuberant the
| other evening. He was flying around
the room, talking as g@rrulously as
the Oldest inhabitant. IT have been
under DR.. Pilroofy's treatment" he
explained to Fogg, "and it has done
me g. power OF good. I actually feel
like a new man." "Yes," responded
Fogg, 81 thought you appeared quite
fresh.'-[Boston Transcript.
"MY dear friend, must ask you to
lend me at once 100 marks; have
my purse at home and [ haven't a.
farthing IN my pocketr' ST can't
lend you q hundred marks just now,
but can put you in the way of gettirg
the money at oncel" "You are ex-
tremely kind" "Here's twopence,
drive home on the tram and fetch
your purse p Neusete Nochichten.
THE Court-"Mr. Clerk, is this
Thursday afternoon?" Clerk-ssYes,
Your Honor" The Court-"To-mor-
row is the Turkish Sabbath, Saturday
the Hebrew and Sunday the Christian.
We adjourn until Monday" Clerk
"But that is Labor Day; Tuesday is
the anniversary of Irish independence,
and Wednesday OF the founding of the
German Empire The Court-'eThen
we are closed for the week. IT'D Bits.
ALARMED pastor-I tell you this
Personal Liberty party is assuming
immense proportions. Incredulous
parishioner-Oh, don't think so.
Alarmed pastor-You have only to
look at the statistics. Why, do you
know that in Newark alone 3, single
factory turned out last year $50, 600
900 corkscrews? "Sakes alive! Is
that true? see thas I've been mis-
led. I'm ready now to take O. deter
mined stand against a foe SO strong
and ineidious-[ Philadelphia Call