The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1887-04-01
MARK TWAIN AS A FARMER.

MARK TWAIN AS A FARMER.
A Speech Tha. He Might Have Delivered
Before IN Agricultural Clab.
have been introduced to you as an
experienced agriculturist. Uaughter.)
! l love The farm. Adam loved the farm.
Laughter.) Noah loved his vineyards,
Horace loved the farm. as is shown 10y
that great book. What l know about
Farming" Uaughtcr.) Washington,
Webster and Beecher were allurcd by
the attractions of agriculture. Some
one said to Beechcr: keep your COWS
out of my shrubbery." ..Kcep your
s''rubbery out Of my cows" replied
Beecher. ut spoils tho milk"
I4aughter) Hogs arc hard animals to
drive over a bridge. Uaughter) /
once saw o man carried several miles
on the back of hog that
turned back in opposition to
the solicitations of the driver on ap-
pro 'ching q bridge. Uaughter.) l
will tell you of safe way to get hogs
over bridge: Kill them and draw
them over in wagon. Uaughter)
Hogs are fond of spring lambs and
spring chickens. Hogs will eat their
own offspring if no lambs or chick
ems are offered in the market. I.augh-
ter) When boy l was solicited TO
escort pig to a neighbor's farm. A
strong rope tied to the pigs leg was
placed in my hand. I did not know
before the speed and strength of pig.
Uaughtcr.) But they do not run the
way You want them to run. (Rencwed
laughter.) A pig can draw a canal
boat with the tow-line tied to his hind
leg, but would not insure the canal
boat. Hogs are clearly, orderly, silent
and not bent on mischief Qau.hter)
when cut up and salte and in tight
barrel. with heavy weight on the
lid. prolonged laughter.) This is all
l know about hogs.
l love cows. Uaughter.) What so
meek and low-ly-Qaughter)-a II
moolcy cow? City people are foolish
TO be frightened at cows. l was never
hurt by a COW but once. He shook his
head at me from behind strong gate.
felt the security of my position and
SHE'D pumpkin at him. lie came
through the gate as though it was
spiders web, and then was sorry l
did it. laugh cry This kind of a
cow should not be fooled with unless
you are tired of monotony. Uaugh-
ter.) The poet loves to dwell upon
milkmaids. milking time and lovers
sparkling over the farm yard gate. but
no such poet could ever have MIXED u |
COW in fly time. Uaughter.) lean
not imagine n successful love
suit at such u season. l |
MIXED the cows one night when the
boys were off on Fourth IF July.
uaughter.) That is, MIXED one and
One-half cows. UauShter) The last
one was so busy knocking off flies with
her hind foot l thought had better not
disturb her longer A pail of fresh milk
kicked over boy does not improve his
clothes or temper. Some say MIXED
from the wrong side. Great laughter)
/ thought would be sure and be ri hit.
SD MIXED half on one side AMI half
on the other. (Rencwed laughter.) l
was on the other side when she knocked
off most flies. Can any one tell me why
a cow should be permitted TO dictate
which side Il man shall milk from? l
claim the right OF my choice at least
half of the tim.
Sheep arc my special delight. How
e. acefully the lambs gambol over the
green. thrust You never gamble over
the green. Nothing so patient and
modest rs a sheep. Daughter. Some
say Il scamp is the black sheep of the
flock. but Il black sheep is just as re-
spectacle as any. and the color line
should not thus be drawn. daughter
| once fshad on the bluff and casually
discovered IL sheep with large crooked
horns coming 1T me with bead down
and fire in hcr eyes. The fish were
not bling well. so let my sport and I
lodged behind Il stump. The sh ,cp
fell on rie rocks below and broke her
neck. For this act l have since been !
accused of nOn-protcctiOn of the WOOL
traffic. This reminds me. of a commits
siOner of agriculture in old times who
purchased six hydraulic rams for the
OF American flocks.
Prolonged laughtcr.) Feather beds !
src made from geese. but all wooden
goods and drums are made from sheep {
skins. (Applause.)
take great pride in the horse "He
g the noblcst Roman Of them ALL"
lLaughter.) l once led Stephens horse
% water. How proudly he archcd his
neck and tail. He was SO fond of me {
he tried to embrace me with his front {
icct. But was so shy he turned about c
md playfully Knocked my hat of with
lis heels. Oaughter.) told Stephens
thought horses looked much better
Walking on four feet than OH two feet.
4 horse presses hard when your toe is /,
'aught under his hoof. l speak not
rom theory. but from actual experi- q
,ncc. Q.aughtcr.) Invent riding with $
stephens horse and he SHE'D and I
lanced provokingly. Treat him kind c
" said Stephens; ''nevcr beat
lorse.' by and by Stephens thought +
le would get out and walk for exercise.
You may let him feel the lash Il little !
'Ow." said S:erhens. "A little discip- v
inc now will do him good" pro
ongcd laughter.)
Here is y composition l wrote on e
arminI when 4 boy: Earning is {