davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
Humorous.


Jawkins-That was rather sudden
death of old Skinfint's. What was
the matter with him Hawkins
Economy. The two undertakers are
running each other, and funerals are
away down in price. Old Skin flint
never missed bargain in his life.--
Lo,oeH Citizen.
They were standing on the deck of a
CunardeI that runs to the Hub. "And
what is that shining soi' she asked.
"That is the dome OF the State house.
l was born right in its shadow "You
don't sayi Aud this is really America,
then y 30, dear no, this is Boston. y
--Ne,o Haven Neaos.
SHE BOUGHT 1T.
Young woman (timidly to clerk)--
l would like to look at some false hair,
please.
Clerk (experienced)- Yes, ma'am.
What color does your friend wantf
Sale effected.
TINES A. NJ.
Mrs Jollyboy: "Where on earth
have you been 7"
Mr.. j.: 81 cannot tell lie I've
been to m'offish."
Mrs. j.: "Tbat's where we differ. /
can tell lie-when / hear one. Cruel
silence, during which something is
heard to drop. ]-Haroard Lampoon.
CHANGED 1T.
Mr.. Brown recently brought home
his second wife. A lady who had
known the first quite intimately came
to make a call. As she looked about
the room she remarked: "How famll-
lar everything is to me here l used to
be here 30 much there is picture,
however-pointing it out-which do
not recognize" "Oh !" said the bride,
''thst's the first Mrs. Brown. My hus-
band thought it might not please me
to have it hanging there as it was so
he took it to an artist and had Gains
borough hat put on, and changed the
color of the hair and eyes, aud we call
it fancy piece. Shoe and Leather
Reporter.
1T WAS THE LAST STRAW.
''Gentlemen," said the hard-looking
mao with the inhamed nose, as he pick
ed himself up from the sidewalk, re-
placed his battered hat on his head,
drew his coat-sleeve across his nose
and looked around with great dignity,
81 have been treated with outrage and
insult The barkeeper just now called
me an old thief and a fraud. He
emptied sawdust spittoon on my head
drove his fist into my eye and kicked
me out of the saloon. All this bore
patiently, because my personal honor
was not attacked. But see him in
there now erasing my account from his
slate as if it were worthless. l regard
that as an imputation on my integrity,
and there is but one thing for me to do.
l shall withdraw. 1t is useless to ask
me to do otherwise. / shall never pat
ronize that saloon again" And he
withdrew with the air of deeply In
jured but consciously upright man. He
had saved his honor.-Chicago Iri-
bune.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
A Philosophical Tramp.

A stupid looking tramp knocked at
one of the finest residences in Austin
and was received by the lady of the
house.
"What do you wanti"
"Please'm give me dime to buy a
glass of bread; scuse me, mean a loaf
of beer"
81 haven't got any money"
"Haven't got no money! Then,
madam, modest as this cottage is, /
would suggest your moving into a
cheaper house you are living beyond
your means. Economy is wealth.
Economize 10 the way of clothes and
house rent. Cut your expenses, and
then, perhaps, some day you will have
a dime to spares dime, madam, that
may be the means of preventing a
hungry and thirsty fellow mortal from
committing suicide or it may be a
quarter-a coin of the value of 25
cents-that will upholster the dark
clouds of the horizon of his despairing g
soul with a silver plated lining and
fill his stomach with book beer Good
day, fair lady."-Ienas .SJtingS.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
A Briton's Plant,
HE HAS A PRONOUNCED ACCENT AND is
DERIDEp By AMERICANS.


"I am subject to one form of perse-
cution in this country" said an En-
glishman to me the other day, (which
| find quite intolerable, though l cant
in the least blame my prosecutors.
You know speak quite like an En-
glishman, naturally, aud conduct my
self quite like one, a. matter of
course. Really, inasmuch as I've been
on this side only month, would hardly
be worth my while to attempt to mas
ter the accent and the manners of the
country, don't you know. Now, I'm
not in the least unwilling to be taken
for an Englishman; that am rather
proud of, in fact. But I'm not taken
for an Englishman, and there's the dis
agreeable feature of the thing. I'm
constantly taken, don't you see, for an
Anglomauiac Yankee, beastly cad
whose native country isn't good enough
for him, aud who caricatures as in a
wild attempt to initiate us. To be
takeu for an Irish dynamiter or Rus
sian Nihilist would be a comparative
compliment. The other day I called
on friend in the city to whom l had
a letter, and as he wasn't in 1 fell into
little parley with the young men OF
the outer Office about his return, and
the like. Then sat down in the inner
office to wait bit for him. Presently
l heard, over the half.partition one Of
the young men say softly to his COM
panions, with an imitation of my own
accent: Bah jove not bad, don't
you know Is it natural or acquired 7
Painfully acquiahed, deah boy--pain
fully acquiahed,' said the other, in the
same tone. 'Cahn't be done in day,
deah boy he went on; there's Beverly
Galley, don't you know, who comes
in here sometimes to boah the governor;
took him one-and twenty months
yaas, three-and twenty months, to &C.
quiah his accent. This hasn't been
carried to the supehb perfection that
Csdley's has, not at all, my boy, but he
mahster it in a yeah or two, don't you
know, with perseverance, All this
with an iudescribable clipping of con-
sonauts and vowels made with the
teeth--really very clever, you know.
Then l heard a maddening chuckle
from the two. This is very much the
sort of treatment that l get every
where. Sometimes men look as il
they were going to kick me, until they
learn that I'm really an Englishmau
and then they're the best and most cor.
dial fellows in the world. Really, it's
very natural to treat me so, but it's
deuced unpleasant to be made odious
in strange land by set of oads,
don't you know l'-Zdyerner.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
Persian BARRIERS.

In Persia the barber sbaves the
heads of his customers, dyes their
boards, pulls their teeth, cups and
bleeds them when ailng, sets their brok-
en- bones and shampoos their bodies DIR.
Willis, an English physician, who re-
sided in Persia for many years, being
attached to the overland telegraph, was
invited by Hassan, his barber, to visit
his shop and see him work. He went,
against the remonstrance of his serv-
ant, Malek, who insisted that the bar
Der would say that the English physi.
clan had called to learn of him how to
practice surgery and medicine.
The shop was little square room
with one side open to the street. In
the center was tiny bed of flowers
sunk in the floor, from the middle of
which rose an octagonal stone column
a yarl high. The capital of the col
umn formed receptacle for the water
in which the barber dipped his hand as
he shaved his customers scalp; in Per.
sia they do not lather.
On the earthen platform, outside OF
the shop, sat burly man, whose long
beard was beng dyed an orange color.
1t was full of yellow mud (the henna
in paste), and bound up with cab
bage leaves to prevent too rapid evap.
oration.
The shop was very clean. On two
recesses were displayed four vases
filled with flowers, and the implements
of the BARRIERS art, scissors, razors,
lancets, hsnd-mirrors, large pincers to
extract teeth, branding irons to cauter-
ize the arteries in amputating the limbs,
strong combs; but no. hair-brush,
for that implement is never used by
Persians.
From the BARRIERS girdle hung o
round copper water-bottle, his strap
and pouch to hold his instrumen Is
1u his bosom was small mirror, tie
presentation of which to his customer
is sign that the job is finished and
that the barber waits for his pay.
Customers came to submit their
heads to the barber's hands, and to
have their paralyzed arms shampooed
When served, they remained to smoke
and gossip.
Others called to be bled; they were
taken outside so that the blood nigh,
flow into the gutter. One man, suffering
from the toothache, was operated upor
for fifteen or twenty minutes. Aftel
three pulls, large piece of the tooth
came away.
"Ah !" exclaimed the barber, 'that's
the piece in which the pain was !"
A sufferer from rheumatism ap
peared. The barber heated a small
iron, the patient lay down, and after
invoking Mahommed and the saint,
was burnt three times On the loins.
When the English physician, having
seen all that was to be seen, reached
home, Malek upbraided him.
''Sahib l said 1t / knew it
That dog, may the graves of sever
generations Of his ancestors be defiled
There he stands, explaining to the two
merchants, your patients, that yol
have come to him at your own reques
to take new lesson in tooth draw
ing !"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

A farmer sent one dollar for light
ming potato bug killer, which he saw
advertised 10 a paper, and received
by return mail two blocks OF wood,
with directions printed on as follows
"Take this block, which is No. /, in
the right hand, place the bug on No.
2, and press them together. Remove
the bug and proceed as before"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
A Oats Dizzy Ride,

A cat got upon the rim Of high
fy-wheel which runs in a pit at an
electric light station in Brooklyn. The
wheel was soon making twenty revo.
lutioDs a minute. 1t was impossible
to rescue the cat from its perilous po
sition without stopping the engine, and
putting out all lights dependent upon
the dynamos in the station; so the un
fortunate animal had to ride on unit
the engine was stopped at the usna
hour for putting out the lights. The
cat then dropped exhausted from the
wheel, but soon revived, and was none
the worse for its strange experience
1t is estimated that in the seven hours
which the animal spent on the whee
near the rim it travelled more than SOC
miles.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

Bill Nye, the humorist, is to work
Tor the New York World Bill expects
a great deal from his last book. at
is a larger, thicker book than any l
ever published before. What the pub
lie wants is big book-one that can
be used to prop up the lounge when a
leg is broken. Such one is invalua-
BILE IN a household. 1t can be put in a
chair to bring babys head on a level
with the table; it can-well, it can be
pat to a thousand uses | have consid-
cred this matter very deeply, and the
result is that the next book / publis h
l intend to make fully a foot and a
half thick. This will make a success.
Why, look at the most successful
books of to-day-those that have the
widest circulation. What are they ?
The dictionary and the family Bible,
and yet neither of them has any pot.
l don't take any stock in this realism
theory of Howell's. No, sir; the com
ing book is the big book
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

Several Georgia farmers are serious
ly considering the question of employ
ing Chinese in place of negroes on
their plantations.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

The Russian minister at Washington
is allowed $4,000 year by his gov
ernment for the purpose of giving en-
tertainments.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

A farmer near Winona, Miss,
claims to have raised 40 bushels of
corn from one acre of ground last sea.
son.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

A Brooklyn blind boy takes dicta-
tion on the typewriter faster than any
known expert in the possession of good
eyesight
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

1t is estimated that l,3l0,556,512
cigarettes were consumed fy the smok-
ersin this country last year.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

yyAyg can live at home ana make more money az
VllIl work for us, than anything else In this
kUu world. capital not needed; you are started
w free. Both sexes; all ages Any one can do
the work. Large earnings sure from first start
Costly out1t and terms free. Better not delay.
Costs you nothing TO send us your address and
lnd out II you aIe wise you Will do AT once. ii.
HALLETT Co., Portland, Maine. deG24-s6-ly
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
SwITHN c, sHoRTLIDGEs ACADEMY,

SWlTHlN c. SHoRTLIDGE'S ACADEMY,
~ FOR YOUNG MRN AND BOYS, MEDIA, PA.
le miles from Philadelphia. Fixed price covers
every expense, even books, &c. No extra charges.
NO Incidental eXpenses.-No examination for ad-
mission Twelve experienced teachers, all men,
and al graduates. Special opportunities for apt
students TO advance rapidly. Special dri for dull
ana backward boys. Patrons or students may Sc
entlhc, business, Classical or Civil Engineering
course, students htted at Media Academy are
now In Harvard, Yale, Princeton and ten other
colleges and Polytechnic schools 10 students
sent 10 college IN 1888, 10 In 1884, 10 in 1885, 10 In
1856, A graduating class every year In the COM
meTclal department.. Physical and Chemical
Laboratory, Gymnasium and BAN Ground. 1900
Sos added 70 library In 1888 Physical apparatus
temperance charter which prohibits the sale of ali
Intoxicating drinks. For new illustrated circular
address lhe Principal and Proprietor, SWITHIN @,
renhH tAug.6s8,1y'.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

The French government costs the
tax payers 800, 900 every hour.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
Working Classes Attention.

we are now prepared to furnish all Glasses Win
employment at home, the whole OF the time, oi
loI thtlr spare moments. Business new, light anu
pIonlaDle, Persons OF either sex easily earn RON
oU @ cents 70 800 per evening, and a proportlohal
sum sum Dy deyoting all their time 10 the business
poSs ana girls earn nearly as much as men. Ihas
al who see this may send their address and test
the business, We make this oner TO such as are
not Wen satisfied we Will send one dollar 10 pay
LOT ioI me trouble OF writing. Fun particulars ana
land, Maine dec24- -s6-iy,
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
(Ey5a3;ySgaEIy5;MzIYE5 (Ey5a3ySga gaEIy5MzIY

The Test Cure for Coughs, Weak Lungs, Asthma, Indi
Pcston, Inward Pains Exhaustion. Combining the most
Valuable medicines with Jauacia Ginger It cyers
tive power over disease unknown To other remedies.
Weak Lungs rheumatism, Female Complaints and the
distressing sof stomach, Liver, klneys and Bowels
ere dragging thousands To the grlye who would recover
their heath by the timely Of PaHKEs GINGER ToNIC
u Is new lfcund strength to the aged SOC. at Drug
GissS Iiscox q Co., lU3 William Street, y. Y.
apr29d4t.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
ROOT BEER.

Package 2s cents. makes gallons OF a delicious,
sparkling, temperance beverage. strengthens
and purifies the blood, It's purity and delicacy
commend 1t to all. sold by all druggists and
storekeepers 29apritd.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
MASON & HAMLIi
sF- AGENTS WANTED FOR THE Il,
LIFE OF REECEER,

BY DIR. LYMAN ABBOTT, editor Of the Christian IN
tOn (Beecher's Funeral Sermon was preached by
Dr. AbbotD. Mr.. Beecher aided in this book up to
his death. Much is GUtObiOgrdphicdL large
is the right book, A. GORTON q co, ,Philada. (29
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20

w. F. HALSTEAD, Supt.
Superintendents office. Scranton Feb. lst,1s2
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1887-05-20
pERR|NE'S BnREEr nEEE MALT WHISkEY.

Dyspepsia find In Perrine's Pure Barley
Malt Whiskey q powerful invigoran
and helper to digestion. PERKlNE's
PURE BARLEY MALT WH1SKEY
without unduly stimulating the Kid
nrys increases their tagging activity
counteracts the effects OF fatigue, has
tens convalescence and is wholesome
and prompt diuretic. Watch the label
None genuine unless bearing the sigma
ture
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

substantial, and this is given rs q
reason for suspending work. But
the real reason, so it is said. is the
trouble that las arisen between
the railroad company and the con
tractors. The money required is
not forthcoming, and the reason for
this is that the cost of the road was
estimated entirely too low. That
portion of road between Ashland
aud Maysville will be opened aboul
January 1.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Spies, Parsons, Fischer and En-.
gel, four of the seven Chicago An
arehists were hanged last Friday.
Lining had committed suicide a day
or so previous and the sentence of
F,elden and Sehwab was commit
ed to imprisonment for life. Every
thing was quiet in Chicago on the
day Of execution. This will proba.
bly, put a stop to Anarehism in the
United States.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

The Courier Journai says large
portion ofthe work on the Maysville
and Big Sandy division Of the Ches.
apeake and Ohio has been stopped
and all idea ofcompleting the line %
Covington this winter abandoned.
The company claims that cement
work done ia cold weather is not
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Alonzo p. Carney no longer has
control of the Moundsville Sickle.
y. NJ Loren.z is now editor and
proprietor. On assuming control of
the Sickle the present proprietor
tells the people 'cho he Is, and ad-
vises all those who are really curious
TO know 'c6g he IS to go and ask
his father.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

When a man comes into the office
and planks down the cash and says:
"Send me your paper for a year
that means business. When one says
i want your paper but haven't the
money now" that's all right When
he takes it out Of tho postofTice for
several months and sends il back
refused" that's meanuess. When
man spends from ten cents to a
dollar for cigars week and says he
can't afford to take his home paper,
that's a--no such a thing When a
man borrows his ncighbor's paper
70 read every week, that's check. 49,
Neio Dominion
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Dan. Cunningham, who was re-
ported as beingi implicated in ths
Ryan murder. in Roane county, a
few days ago had preliminary
hearing, and as there was no positive
proof against him, he was released,
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Last weeks Huntington AdCer-
tiser goes for the State Tribune
in the ri hit kind of style, for maxi
ing fun of Huntington-the hand
soonest and most entcrprising city
in the State.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

The odd Felioms' Adc0c0te for
November is out and is full of inter
esting reading for tho fraternity,
Send Is cents to the publisher, Geo
A Flooding, Huntington, w. Va,
aud secure copy one year.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

All the roostcrs of the Republican
aud Democratic parties were crow
ing last week. IT'S only occasion
ally the poor chickens get chance
to have fun and they must show
their colors whether they feel like it
or not.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Maj. VIM. Harper, editor Of the
South Branch Mteiligencsr, died
few days ago. He was the oldest
editor in the State, being eighty
years of age ut the time ofhis death
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Tie boilers of the Lawrence Iron
and Steel Works at lluntir gton. ex.
ploded last Monday eek, killing
three men and Gripping seventeen,
several Of whom are not expected
60 live. A number Of others are
missing Ritchio Rcvielo.
Bro. Mathers, you are badly
mistaken. There never were Law
renee Iron and Steel Works" al
Huntington. The explosion "a
which you refer occurred at Ironton,
Ohio.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

John Haine., of Cabeil county,
has served out 4 ten years sentence
IN the Peniteniiary at Moundsville.
He was sent fol breaking into hous>
and ealing Il cents.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

TIE sweet singer sings no more.
Jenny Lind is dead
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

A call has been issued to the
members of the National Republi-
can Committee, to meet in Wash
ington on the 9Th of December. The
committee will at this meeting
doubtless name the time and place
for the next National Convention.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

The Ohio River Railroad Co. will
build branch road from the b. &
.. in Harrison county, to the Ohio
river. If this company desires to
make paying newfoundland OF
course ii docs-lct it put some of its
surplus capital in road from Ce.
redo to the inexhausiible coal fields
ii this county.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

keepthe saloon out of politics
and politics out of the saloon. Eli
ther is bad enough where it is
Draw your political instruction from
higher source, and settle the liquor
questions Independently State
Gazette.
Those are our sentiments, too,
Bro. PiIchard.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

Hog cholera i, raging in Hancock
county, this State.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18
Marshall College.

THE STATE NORMAL SCHOOL.
HUNTINGTON, w. VA.
rHos- +. HODGES. A. NJ. Principal.
MISS MABE.LLE SCOTT, .,..
MISS E1TfE BOYERs. ASSISTANTS.
MISS LILLE KNIGHT, Music.
FALL TERM begins Sept. 9Th, 1887.
WINTER TERN bcglns Dee SIN iss-
SPRING IERI. begins Mar. 18th. 1883.
STUDENTS CAS- Enter Ar ANY TIME.
The state Normal School Is an Institution
primarily designed for the professional ira In
Ing OF teachers. The course of Instruction.
however, EN- braces the Academic as well as
the Protest., nal, the former being intended
To prepare students for the state Univorsity.
or ut them for the active duties OF life.
TUITION FREE
10 all Normal pupils having appointments
Apply to your County Superintendent of
Schools for an appointment.
For further Information or catalogue,
apply TO the Principal. Huntington, w. Wa.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18
CHPITEL END LEBoR.

The Labor Field has been carefully kept open
for all corners. and promiscuous immigration
not only encouraged. but the very worst foreign
pauper labor has been contracted for and i'm
ported. In order that competition would cheaper
the cost OF labor and force IL to accept any price
offered. while EVERY AVENUE OF COMPE-
Triton HAS BEEN EFFECTuALLY CLOSED
IN THE INTERESTS OF MONOPOI1ES AND
MANUFACTURERS. CORPORATIONS AND
CAPITAL. Thus IL Is. the
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18

=, An epoch In the history OF American politics
that promises serious and radical changes in
the past and present schemes OF tho
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18
Rich Grow Richer and the Poor Poorer

A Money Power has dictated legislation and
the administration OF justice. both State and
National. to such an extent as TO render tho
Elective Franchise nullity, II not farce and
elected officials more fgure-heads
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1887-11-18
Buyers and Sellers or Legisla.
ton and Political Favor.

OF wealth produced. 30 per cent TO the non.
producer and 20 per cent for the actual pro-
duccr IL the unequal division between