davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21
HUMOROUS.
"A Warni0U.-

1
Full many . man. both young md old,
| IL sent TO his sarcophsgus.
By pouring water icy cold
Adown his warm asophagus.
journal Of Reeosstrxetires.
-Magistrate-''A little difficulty be-
tween ladies. ehe Has the complainant
been sworn?" Plaintiffs Lawyer
mot yet" Magistrate-"What il
your age. madam" The Complainant
Nineteen" Mag;strate-"You will
now swear to tell the truth. the whole
truth. etc" -PMladelphsa Call.
An old lady, whose ideas of the
electric current are a triie vague. ac-
costed telegraph-pole climber, as he
sunk his spurs into the wood.
mister, are you goin' up?" Eyes"
'Well. if there's telegraph message
from my son Johnny up there. just
drop it down, will We? I'm expectin'
of him home. ''-Golden Days.
Tommy "Does your mother al.
low You to kiss the nurse girl?" John
ny-"O, Iguess she don't care. Does
yours?" Tommy don't think she
does. I never asked her, but you'd
a died to hear her lay down the law to
pa when she saw him do it one day. an
she lets him do lots o. things she
wouldn't let me" Pittsburgh Dispatch.
IL hear that Smith is contesting
his wife's WILL said one Dakota man
to another day or two ago. Il don't
know how that may be-" replied the
other. ''but am quite sure o! one
thing" whats that?" ''Smith never
contested his wife's will while she wa.
alive. He seems to be getting cour-
ageous under his sad afliction."-
Dakota Bell
Little Carl. aged four. had been
severely bitten by mosquitoes Mt night
The following evening, after saying
the usual ''Now 1 lay me-" he asked
his mamma if he might pray for him.
self. She readily consented. and Carl
began: God. please don't let your
flies, bugs. mosquitoes, and hornets
bite me any more, cause you know I'm
only . little boy. not half-grown.
Amen. "-Babstsood.
-Janey, attaining TO the delightful
promotion of an evenings ''hair-brush-
ing with her grownup young aunties
and their visitor, grow expansive in
the relaxing spirit of the hour. and in
a benevolent burst Of confidence inn
parted the intelligence that my mann
ma puts chalk on her face. toOr' then.
grown prudent, added. ''well, just TO
keep her face warm. you know. when
it Is cold. "-Harper's Bazaar.
"A lady had in her employ an excel
lent girl. who had one fzult-her face
WIS always grimy. Mrs. x wishing
to tell her to wash her face without
offending her, at last resorted to STRAIT
egg. DO you know. Bridget" she re-
marked. in . confidential manner.
''that if you wash your face every day
in hot soap and water it will make you
beautiful?'' "Will it?' answered the
willy Bridget "Sure, it's . wonder
ye never tried it ma'sm.-N 4
Ledger.
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21
THE WIDOW sOOK.AGENT
The Clever Way In Which Bright Womal
Sold Her Wares.

The Glover Way In Which . Bright woman
Sold Her Wares.
The latest dodge of the female book
agent is to get room in a fashionable
clearinghouse, pay two weeks rent
in advance, move in her stock of books
and sell them to the boarders without
letting them know who she is. When
asked for reference she brings out q
letter from the publisher for whom she
works or his local agent
A New York clearinghouse keeper
tells how che discovered an agent in q
beautiful widow who was stopping with
her. ION Sunday the widow came in
to the parlor with her arms full Of il
Illustrated books of history and porto
lios of engravings. She had thought
some of US might like to look over her
collection she said. and Of course we
did not object, although l commenced
to think my new lodger was taking
great deal of pains to please the COM
parative strangers. Hooked over some
Of them myself and listened to her ex-
plain that they were from collection
of . very dear friend who had asked
her to take them to a secondhand store
the next day and sell them.
..All of a sudden it struck me as
quite peculiar that every one Of those
books was new, and had been pub
lished recently. Moreover, they were
all published by one man, and that ono
man was the gentleman WHO had sent
ME such q warm commentator Of my
new boarder. shut up the book l WAS
looking n, and began to think and
listen and watch. The widow by this
time was surrounded by dozen of my
gentlemen boarders and three or four
ladies, and was discoursing on the
merits Of the books. In ten minutes
she had sold book to every young
man there; simply charmed the money
out of them by the power of her beauty.
She was so glad. she said. TO think
that her dear friend would realize At
least q portion of what the books were
worth. Chicago Ners.
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21

"A street tank wagon for the srans-
portation and delivery of petroleum in
bulk has been invented, and Il In ast-
ual use in London. The tank is divided
into two Compartments each holding
tive hundred and fifty gallons of oil.
and is provided with measuring
drum having q capacity Of forty-two
gaAons-a barreHso that the petro-
leQm. when delivered. may be meas
ured of in barrels If desired.-N y
Ledger.
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21

What the depositor wants to know
il not that his money is all right but
that it's all left-LN
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21

and took his stand before the easel on
which stood '.Chloe"
"rn give you f30O for it," he said
at last
Michael Angelo hesitsted. He would
rather Levi had the picture than
Zerubbabel; but it seemed hard that
he should make no present profit out
Of this-his best work. Every penny
of the $500 would be swallowed up in
getting clear of that unfortunate bill
of sale!
Give me a week to think it over"
he said at last. turning abruptly
round to the dealer.
In doing So. he caught his foot in
the support of the easel, and the
picture fell heavily to the ground.
Good Heavens, what have you
dsnee" cried Mr.. Levi. Poor Michael
Angelo was too frightened to speak.
Together they picked up the picture.
Fortunately. the canvass was not dam
aged, but large corner of the frame
was Clipped of.
That's soon remedied," said Mr..
Levi "A new frame won't cost
much But Mr. Megilp. I hope youth
think over my offer; it may lead to
further business, you know" he
added, amiably. And he left the art
list standing, with rather rueful air.
before his cherished picture.
What has happened. Ansy?- l
heard something fall. What has Mr..
Levi offered you? Oh, what . PITY
the beautiful Frame" said Ms Meg
lip. busting into the studio. But with
bout waiting for answers to her Qass-
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21

for It.
Mr.. Zerubbabel smiled. and rubbed
his hands complacently. He had learned
some thing that mi ht be useful to
him.
He didn't get rid of Mr.. Levi until
late in the afternoon, consequently il
was nearly seven o'clock before he
emerged from his shop and stopped a
passing bus
In less than half an hour the bric-a-
brac dealer was set down close to the
Megilp's door. The servant who an.
| swered the bell told him that Mr..
Megilp was dining cut that even
ing. and asked il he would see her
mistress.
Thinking a lady would be an easier
customer to deal with. Mr.. Zerubbabel
said that he would like to speak to
Mrs. Megilp for few minutes. Ac-
cortlingly he was ushercd into the
drawing-room, where that lady shortly
| joined him.
| You have called to see my kus-
band-about the-thc bin of sale" the
little woman began. in frightened
1 tone.
well. yes. ma'am in a way Ihave
but should like to see the picture he
offered me this morning."
1.-The Academy pieture7" suggested
Mrs. Megilp. her face Frightening. 81
am 80 sorry; but my husband generally
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-07-21

1He HeAC merry WeetIHg, Hter Iue
opening of the Academy. between Ze-
rubbabel and Levi was enlivened by
angry recriminatiOns Mr.. Zerubbabel
accused Mr.. Levi of wilfully misleading
him. and the latter replied. chuckliRg:
80 was right, was 1? 1t was you
who tried, and. in fact, partially sue
eeeded. in spelling my market with
Mesilp. would advise you the next
time you make use of = friends brains
to be sure that you know what you're
about. Truth
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
A. M. HEWFITT.
StatIOner and News Dealer
Merchant Street, Honolulu, Keeps Constantly
LetterPaper, Iinen& other, in great variety;


Heads
Commercial Liner
sand eandro
Dice
Chips CbbOrds ersandR
something Parallel
Cases Check Cancee Files
all
edge
plain several sizes; Pencils nda
and WOodTooth Picks Call
different kinds
ps; Carter Writing Fluid
Snors
Giant
sand
first
Munro sand otherLibr
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
A Railroad Babel.

A writer in PucE gives a very
amusing description of the scene in
a railroad station, where people are
taking train for the watering places.
Various sorts of people are shown
up by their talk, and the snarling
baggage-smashers are taken off to
charm. The literary medley con-
cludes:
Grand Finale participated in by
gatemen, train hands, station offici
ais, policemen and travellers of ali
sorts and conditions. Only two
minutes more to-take the dog to
the baggage cartel Harry to come
here-and if he won't come along,
twist his tail-because the smoker
is about the best place-to make a
declaration of love-as Pve got an
accident policy-with the lid broken
off-and 1 am rich enough, says he
to give the hackman fifty cents
instead of dollar-for the society
is most select-not an honest man
among 'em-and the landlord often
says of me-he ought to be in jail
that's where-we are exclusive
since we sleep three in a bed-my
family is nicely settled-ten miles
off soundings-wrapped up in sea-
weed, with red-hot stones round
'em-so Pm off to the springs-with
two tons of sand ballast on board
and she said-if l see you here again
Tll run you inland the skipper is
80 feet long, over all-and Pm
going after cod-for if they won't
take me in, nobody willard that's
why Maud-always smokes a pipe
and the bill of fare comprises
fog and drizzle for days and days
all aboard (And off goes the train y
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
The Banana Peel .

Like bar of the beaten gold
CLEAN in the summer sun;
am little, know, but think / can throw
man that will weigh ton.
send out no challenges bold,
l blow me no Wanting horn,
But foolish is he who treadeth on me:
He'll wish he had meier been born.
Like the flower of the field, vain man
Goeth forth at the break of day;
But when he shall feel my grip on his heel,
Like the stubble be fadeth away;
For l lift him high up in the air,
With his heels where his head ought to be;
With a down coming crash he maketh his
mash,
And 1 know he's clear gone upon me.
am scorned by the man who buys me;
l am modest and quiet and meek;
Though my talents are few, yet the work that
l do
Has oft made the cellar doors creak.
/ am canarv-colored Republican born,
And Nhihillst fearless | be,
Though the head wear a crown, would bring
its pride down,
If it set its proud heel upon me.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
A Fortune in Dispute.

Colonel Reynolds, of South Caro-
lima, who recently died, was deemed
one of the richest farmers in that
State. His estate is estimated to
amount to about 100000. Some
fifty years ago, being sorely disap-
pointed in respect to an anticipated
marriage, and being also slave
holder, he took one of his female
slaves as a concubine, and practi-
cally made her his wife, without
any marriage ceremony, and lived
with her as such up to the time of
his death. By her he had a large
family of mulatto children, for whom
he amply provided, and several of
whom received a liberal educationI
A few hours prior to his death
Colonel Reynolds made his will, and
drew the will with his own hand,
thereby giving almost his entire
estate to the negro woman with
whom he had lived as wife and
the mulatto children born to him by
her. He had sisters and other rela-
latiOns who intend to dispute the
validity of the will. Eminent law
yers who have'examined the instru-
ment, have expressed the opinion
that it is legally constructed in every
respect. We suppose that there is
no doubt as to the question whether,
under the laws of South Carolina, he
had the legal right thus to dispose
of his property.
And we add that we have no
doubt as to whether, in the circum-
stances as existing, he did the right
and honorable thing by this woman
and her children. She had been
practically his wife for nearly half a
century, and, under the rules of
the common law, was his wife, and
her children were his children. To
have treated them otherwise would
have been mean and contemplate
to the last degree.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
The Hartford Fire Insurance Co.
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT.
(rScoRsoEArED IsIO.)
Assets Jan. l, 1887, s5.O55,s4s.4 AS.

Having established an agency At Honolulu fo-
sne hawaiian Islands, the undersigned is pre- ,
pared 70 accept risks against i-e ca BEiidfngs
rurniture Machinery on the mos
~ ,i oiS ssL'ns- Losses promptly adjusted and
I ~ s mere q. q BERGER.
AA'' ON agent for the Hawaiian Islands
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
A Useful Invention.
A TRUMPET DEVICE FOR TELE-
PHoNING LONG DISTANCE AT SEA.

The Chicago Times Cincinnati
special says: AT Fernbank, seven
miles from this city, are the work.
shop and the laboratory of Harvey
B. Cox, young electrician, who,
though known to but few here, is
attracting the attention of scien-
fists and electricians in this country
and in Europe by his inventions, in
which he is as prolific and ingenious
as Edison. His latest device is a
trumpet, to be used for telephoning
at sea, on which he has been work
ing for some months. The inven-
ton is the outgrowth of his dis
covery of the great distance an echo
or reverberation will carry, and the
discovery that speaking trumpets,
if made to give the same fundamen-
tai note, would vibrate and produce
the same phenomena, known in ac-
Oustics as sympathy.
With this trumpet conversation
in an ordinary tone of voice was
carried on between persons four and
one-fourth miles apart. People sit
ting in their windows, on their
porches, mile away, conversing in
an ordinary tone, could be distinctly
heard, and in a couple of instances
they were told the nature of their
conversation, and admitted that
such had taken place. By listening
to the whistle of a train and tracing
it to and beyond Fernback to Law
renceburg, Ind, it was found that
the instrument has a well-defined
range of tWenty-six miles; that is a
loud sound like locomotive whistle
or the rumbling of a train can be
distinctly heard at distance of
thirteen miles in every direction.
Conversation was readily carried
on between two gentlemen on high
hills on opposite sides of the river,
about four and a half miles apart.
Tests made on the water showed
that the trumpet was even more
available than on land. The instru-
ment will be patented as soon as it
is perfected.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
VARIETY.
JUDICIoUs ADVERTISING

JUDICIOUS ADVERTISING
Creates many new business,
Revives many dull business,
Rescues many a lost business,
Saves many failing business,
Enlarges many an old business,
Preserves many large business,
Secures success in any business.
Fiery dog vas hate his day times,
and efery cat vas hate her night out.
Yoost der same like a kitchen ma
chinist.
The huckleberry has no fin, not
withstanding the work of Mark
Twain on the q Huckleberry Finn )"
but it gets there all the same.
The real reason why negroes live
10 such an extreme old age is that
they don't know exactly when they
were born.
1t is said no one is allowed to
speak when dining with the Queen
of England. This is decidedly in
convenient. What is fellow to do
when he wants another piece of pie?
Perhaps he is obliged to whistle
for it."
A Boston paper says: "Boston
gave Christianity to the Sandwich
Islands," Yes, but the gift was ac-
companied by some other things
which proved more catching than
Christianity.
The Philadelphia North american
reports baseball match between the
newspaper team of that city and one
from Camden, n. j., and adds: "If
our readers notices any base hits in
the religious notices or any allusion
to hot grounders in the weather re-
port they may know to what to as
cribe it."
Was there ever worse cleaning
out of cricketers than the visiting
Canadian team received in Dublin,
Ireland, last month ? The "Gentle-
men of Ireland" as the home club
was called, in their first inning
scored 319 runs. The Canadians
had made twenty runs, with one
wicket down, when play closed for
the day.
"And what are we doing now,
Charley,?"
"Only hugging the shore, Carrie"
"CharIey," and she looked at him
in far-away manner, "Charley, L
wish / was a shore"
"Why, Carrie, dear, you are not
feeling i'll > are you?" he exclaimed
in a tone of alarm. Then he looked
at her again, and thought he dis
covered a ghost of twinkle in her
downcast eyes and the simmer of
smile playing around the corners
of her mouth. He looked once
more; he was sure of it.
The next moment Charley was en-
acting the part of the yacht and Car
RE was impersonating the shore.
First Young Wife" What on
earth are you doing at that mirror,
Clara?"
Second Young Wife-'T'm prac-
Using making wrinkles: I've almost
forgotten how"
"Wrinkles OF all things. Don't
you know a man likes to have his
wife look young?"
." Indeed [ do. John is going
with me to select a new bonnet this
afternoon, and if he sets his mind on
cheap bonnet he will discover that
it makes me look as old as his grand
.mOther?"
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
PERSONALITIES.

Sir William Armstrong; new gun
to resist torpedo attacks is a thirty
FOUNDER, and develops a muzzle We
Iocity of 1900 feet per second.
Queen Victoria will continue to
the daughters of DIR. Tulloch the
yearly pension of $3.50 granted
to the late Mrs. Tullochafter her
distinguished husbands decease.
Charles Lux, a marketman, who
went from Fulton Market to San
Francisco years ago, and who recent
Iy died there, left fortune of $780,
100000, which will go to the eleven
children of his brother.
The Cavaliers Cross ssFor Merit
has been given to Mr.. NJ. j. Ezekiel,
the Cincinnati sculptor, by the Grand
Duke of SaXe-Meiningen, especially
in recognition of bust of Cardinal
Hohenlohe, from his studio.
General Greeley lately received
word that five hundred dollars had
been deposited in a bank to his
credit by person who wished to be
unknown to him-a gift in honor of
the birth of Mr.. Greeley's daughter,
some weeks ago.
Henry George, in appearance, is
a strongly built, energetic man, with
a polite manner, and pleasant voice,
and somewhat bald. His hair is of
adeep reddish-brown, slightly tinged
with gray. He is fOrty-seven years
old and has four children, his eldest
son being twenty-four.
On Easter Sunday evening in the
Evangelical Church of Allentown,
Penn, while the minister was in
the midst of his sermon, an elderly
woman walked up the middle aisle,
made low bow to the pulpit, and
handed the speaker four Easter eggs;
then took seat in the corner of one
of the front pews, where she listened
to the rest of the sermon with APP
parent interest, and after the ser
vices disappeared quietly.
Announcement has been made of
the death of Colonel Sir Thomas
Gore Browne. This commander
won distinction half century ago,
in Afghanistan, covering the re-
treat of the British army after the
disaster at HykuIzie, leading his
regiment at the battles of Candahar,
Cabul and Ghuznee, commanding
the rear guard during the march
through Khyber Pass, and directing
the storming of the hill fort at Ista-
lift, the most daring action of the
war.
DR.. Morell Mackenzie, the Eng
fish specialist who has twice been
summoned to examine the throat of
the Crown Prince of Germany, is
about 30 years of age. He pursued
his studies in London, Paris and
Vienna, and in 1868 founded hos
pitaI for throat diseases. In the
same year a work of his on this sub
ject obtained prize. Subsequently
he was appointed a professor at the
London Hospital. His book on
diseases of the LarynX and Nose"
has been translated in French and
German, and his latest book on the
voice is of great practical use to
singers.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23

Per W @ Hall, from Hawaii, August u
The Hawaiian gazette., 1887-08-23
DR.. ]. COILS BROWNIES
CHLORODYNE.
THE ORIGINAL and ONLY GENUINE.


Advice to Iuvalids.-n you wish to obtain
quiet refreshing sleep, free from headache. re-
lief from pain and anguish, to calm and assuage
the weary achings OF prOtracted disease, in
vigorate the nervous media, and regulate the
circulating systems of the body, you will pro
vide yourself with that marvellous remedy dis
covered by DR.. j. Coils Browne Gate Army
Medical Stah), to which he gave the name OF
CHLORODYNE, and which is admitted by the
profession to be the most wonderful and valu-
able remedy ever discovered.
CHLoRoDYNE is the bestremedy known for
Coughs, Consumption, Bronchitis. Asthma
CHLORODYNE acts like q charm in Diarr-
hea and is the only specific in Cholera and
Dysentery.
CHLORoDYNE efectually cuts short all at
tacks Of Epilepsy, Hysteria, PalpitatiOn, and
Spasms.
CHLoRoDYNE is the only palliative in Men
ralgia. Rheumatism, Govt, Cancer, Toothaehe
Meningitis, sc.
From Symes & Co., Pharmaceutical Chem
lists, Medical Hall, Simla, January 5, 1880. To
J. T. Davenport, Esq, 30, Great Russell Street,
Bloomsbury, London. Dear Sir.-We embrace
this opportunity Of cOngratulatlng you upon the
widespread reputation this justly esteemed
medicine, DR.. j. Coils Brownies ChlorOdyne
has earned for Itself. not only in Hindostan,
but all over the East. As remedy for general
utility. we must question whether better Is
imported into the country, and we shall be glad
to hear of its finding place in every Anglo
Indian home. The other brands, we arc sorry
to say, are now relegated to the native bazaars
and, judging from their sale, we fancy their
sOjOurn there will be but eYanesCent We
could multiply instances Gd ilfnifum OF the e.
traordinary efficacy of DR.. Coils Brownies Chic
rodyne in Diarrhea and DysenterT. Spasms
Cramps, Neuralgia, the Vomiting OF Pregnancy
and as a general sedative, that have occurred
under our personal observation during many
years. In ChOleraic Diarrh9a, and even in the
more terrible forms Of Cholera itself, we hf
witnessed its surprisingly controlling powes
We have never used any other form Of this
medicine than Coils Brownies from a firm
Conviction that it is decidedly the best. and also
from a sense of duty we owe to the profession
and the public, as we are OF opinion that the
substitution of any other than Coils Brownies
is DELIBERATE BREACH OF PATH on THE PART
OF THE CHEMIST TO Presenter AND PATIENT
ALIKE. We are, Sir, faithfully Yours Symes i
20. Members Of the Pharm- Society Of Great
Britain. His Excellency the VicerOy's Chem
lists.
N.-Vice-Chancellor Sir W PAGE
Wood stated that Dr. j. Coils Browne was
undoubtedly, the Inventor of ChlorOdyne, that
the story of the defendant Freeman was de-
hberately untrue, which, he regretted 90 saw
had been sworn to.-See The Times July i3
1864.
Sold in bottles at Is. I'D 2s Cd. a. Cd,
and lis. each. None is genuine without the
words DR.. j. Coils Brownies ChlOrodyne on
the Government stamp. Overwhelming medf
cal testimony accompanies each bottle.
Caution.-Beware of Piracy and limitations.
Sole Manufacture-J. T. DAVENPORT. So
Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury. London
t173 6m