The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1887-12-01
9lashes Of fun.

Consolation: Druggist-"Now, what
do YOU want?" Boy" Three cents
worth of paregoric." Druggist-"What
W. %" YOU mean, waking me up for three
cents" Boy-"Why, I had ter git up
fer nufin."-Td Bits.
will you marry me ?" asked Angus
FMS, who is a matter-of-fact young man.
"Oh," she replied 1utteringly, task
napa.' "Certainly, I'll ask your father
f YOU. wish it, but I naturally thought
YOU ought to know best Washington
Critic. ~ .:-.. .,.@
A Marked Representative (con-
templating her husband) who, coming
home late from a ward meeting, had
crept into bed without waking her-"He
ain't quite so drunk as he was night be-
fore last; he took off his overcoat this
time Texas &f1ngs.
Creditor-Will you or will you not pay
me my money? l ask you now for the
last time.
Debtor-For the last time. Thank
heaven for that! If ever there was a man
tired of being dunned I'm that man. At
last my prospects are brightening.-Tsras
SJtngs.
"John," said a farmers wife, "afore
we start fer home [ think I'd ought to
have that tooth pulled out. It's ached
the hull day. AZ know, Maria," replied
John, obviously, "but by the time we
get that jug filled an the plug terbacker
we haint goin' to have much left to spend
on luXuries."
Regular Customer disposed to be face
tious)-"I guess you will have to trust
me for the paper until tomorrow"
Clerk-"O, that's all right, sir" .
Customer But suppose I was to be
killed between now and tomorrow? ?"
Clerk-"Well the loss would not be
much, ir.'-Phaadelphia Neus.
Hello, Smith, you look pale and thin.
Been ill?"
give been confined to my room for
just a year. This is the first time I've
been on the streets for twelve months"
what was the matter with you?
"Nothing. But my attorney couldn't
make the jury think so ?'-W Champion City
Times.
Fort Smith is a lively town in Arkan-
sas which has decided to have a "boom,'
and it has issued a highly colored state
ment of it's unparalleled advantages among
which the following is worth noting:
even a horse thief from Ohio can be-
come a leading citizen of Fort Smith if he
is wise enough to keep his mouth shut
and let other peoples lives alone"
Briggs-Thompkins has been talking
about you.
"He has2 The idiotie old liar. What
did he say"
"Why, he said you were the best look
ing man on the block"
(Which, I see! Well, you know
Mr.. Tompkins was always conceded to
have a great deal Of taste. "-Judge.
II think" said the minister, who was
visiting a parishioner, that it is easier to
coax children than to drive them. Gentle
words are more affective than harsh ones"
II think so, too" said the lady. Then
she raised the window and shouted to her
boy:
"~Johnnie, if you don't come in out of
that mud puddle I will break your back"
Boston Conrier.
Charlie Jagged g to his sister Fannie's
new beau-Say, Mr.. Sophtly, Fannie said
last night that you were not such a fool
as you looked.
Billy Jagged O-Why, Charley, she
didn't say anything of the sort.
Mr.. Sophtly-I should imagine not,
Billy. What did she say?
Billy-She said you didn'tlook SO great
a fool as you were.-Td Bits.
"That George Sampson, I suppose, is
one of the luckiest dogs alive" remarked
young Featherly, obviously.
"In what way?"
"In being engaged to. Miss Smith"
Chow is he lucky in that? She is not
pretty, and is certainly not rich
mo; but she clerks in a confectionery
shop. l heard George say that even the
smell of ice cream almost makes her sick"
Smith: II say, Dumley, you have had
some experience in love affairs, and L
want your advice. There is a pretty little
widow in Harlem whom Idevotedly love.
In paying my addresses how often ought
[ to call upon her2",
Dumley: She is a widow, you~say?'
Smith: "Yes." .
Dumlev: "Seven nights in the week,
my boy, with a Wednesday and Saturday
matinee."-NeW York Epoch.
He-"That was a wonderful jump~o of
young Spriggin's just now-cleared five
feet and eight inches"
She-"Nothing to what young Wig
gins did last week."
What did he do?" lH
She-"Dol he did pa out of fifteen
hundred doIlars-jumped an awfully high
BAIL don't remember the height exactly