St. Landry democrat. (Opelousas, La.) 1878-1894, 1887-04-09
MARX TWAIN AS a FARMER.
A. Speech That tie Night Have Delivered
Before an Agricultural Club.

l. nave ptCll ii1tioou7~S" ~ VIZ -" N-N
experienced agr;cuitulist. Oaughter.)
| love the farm. Adam loved the ta",2l.
Uau2hter.) Noah loved his vineyards,
Horace loved the farm, as is shown by
that great book. what | know about
Farming" Uaughter.) Washington,
Webster and Beccher were allured by
the attractions of agriculture. Some
one said to Beecher: keep your COWS
out of my shrubbery." keep your
s'>rubbery out of my cows" replied
Becchcr. cit spells the milk. :"
Laughter.) Hogs are hard animals to
drive over bridge. Uaughter) L
once saw man carried several miles
on the back of hog that
turned back ia opposition to
the solicitations of the driver on APP
prolching bridge. Uaughter.) L
will tell you of safe way to get hogs
over bridge: Kill them and draw
them over i'll wagon. Uaughter.)
Hogs are fond of spring lambs and
spring chickens. Hogs will eat their
own offspring if no lambs or chick
ems are offered in the market. Uaugh-
ter.) When boy / was solicited to
escort pig to neighbours farm. A
strong rope tied to the pigs leg was
placed in my hand. | did not know
before the speed and strength of pig.
Uaughter.) But they do not run the
way you want them to run. (Renewed
laughter.) A pig can draw a canal
boat with the tow-line tied to his hind
leg, but | would not insure the canal
boat. Hogs are cleanly. orderly, silent
and not bent on mischief aughter)
when cut up and sailed and in a tight
barrel, with heavy weight on the
lid. prolonged laughter.) This is all
know about hogs.
love cows. Uaughter.) What so
meek and observation-disclosures a
mooley cow? City people are foolish
to be frightened at cows. | was never
hurt by cow but once. He shook his
head at me from behind Il strong gate.
felt the security of my position and
SHE'D pumpkin at him. He came
through the gate as though twas a
spiders web. and then [ was sorry [
did it. Naughter.) This kind of a
cow should not be fooled with unless
you are tired of monotony. Uaugh-
ter) The poet loves to dwell upon
milkmaids, milking time and lovers
sparkling over the farm yard gate, but
no such poet could ever have MIXED a
COW in fly time. Uaughter.) | can
suit at such a season. [
MIXED the cows one night when the
boys were off on Fourth of July.
Uaughter.) That is, MIXED one and
one-half cows. Gaughter.) The last
one was so busy knocking off flies with
her hind foot thought l had better not
disturb her longer. A pail of fresh milk
kicked over boy does not improve his
clothes or temper. Some say / MIXED
from the wrong side. Great laughter.)
thought weu!d be sure and be right,
so I MIXED half on one side and half
on the other. Renewed laughter.) [
was on the other side when she knocked
off most flies. Can any one tell me why
COW should be permitted to dictate
which side man shall milk from? l
claim the right of my choice at least
half of the time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs gambol over the
green. thrust you never gamble over
the green. Nothing SO patient and
modest as sheep. Uaughter) Some
say a scamp is the black sheep of the
flock, but black sheep is just as re-
spectacle as any, and the color line
should not thus be drawn. Uaughter)
once fshed on the bluff and casually
discovered sheep with large crooked
horns coming at me with head down
and fire in her eyes. The fish were
not biting well. SO [ left my sport and
lodged behind stump. The sheep
fell on the rocks below and broke her
neck. For this actI have since been
accused of non-protection of the WOOL
traffic. This reminds me of a commits
sioner of agriculture in old times who
purchased six hydraulic rams for the
improvement of American focks.
prolonged laughter.) Feather beds
are made from geese, but all wooden
goods and drums are made from sheep
skins. (Applause.)
I take great pride in the horse "He
is the noblest Roman of them all. -
Iaughter) [ once led Stephens horse
to water. How proudly he archcd his
neck and tail. He was SO fond of me
he tried to embrace me with his front
feet. But was SO shy he turned about
and playfully knocked my hat off with
his heels. Iaughter.) | told Stephens
I thought horses looked much better
walking on four feet than on two feet.
A horse presses hard when your toe is
caught under his hoof. / speak not
from theory, but from actual expert
ence. 1auphter I went riding with