Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-06-23
SLIPS OF THE TONGUE
A Collection of Remarks Better
Left Unsaid.

In the hurry of speech, and often in
our very anxiety to be polite. some OF
us are liable to occasional slips,
which may have the ludicrous effect of
putting an entirely different construc-
ton upon sentence than that intend
ed. For instance. upon arriving at
your entertainers house. you say, Il
beg a thousand pardons for coming SO
late and are met by your hostess
with the words: My dear sir, no par
dons are needed; You can never come
too late"
Take another case. At grand din
ner, very needless gentleman, who
talked a great deal, forgot that his
neighbor. a young lady, was unusually
tall, and exclaimed: Il do not like big
womenr' The lady bit her lip; and
the speaker, seeing he had made a
blunder, and trying to repair it as gal
lantly as possible, added: when they
are young, madam
At an evening party in Cork, a lady
said to her partner: Can you tell me
who that exceedingly plain man is sit
ting opposite to us?'' That is nv
brother 20, beg your pardon"
she replied. much confused; Il had not
noticed the resemblance"
That was certainly putting ones
foot in it, and yet was perhaps not so
awkward as this. do you see that
gentleman over there, the handsome
fellow twisting his mustache?" said
one woman to another, to whom she
had just been introduced. He has
been watching me all the evening, and
making eyes at me. l think he must
be smitten. Do you know who he is?"
Eyes; he is my husband
In ..Dombey and Son." Mr. Toot's
modest: Its of no consequence"
has its counterpart in real life. Said a
gentleman to his friend on his leaving
the house after paying his first visit:
''Well. good-evening. Mr.. Blank: shall
be very pleased to see You at any
time" Mr.. Blank, nervously: "Oh.
pray. don't mention it.
After a certain concert, we'll
known German cantatrice asked a
gentleman to whom she had been in
troduced how he liked her duet. You
sang charmingly, madame. But why
did YOU select such horrible piece of
music?' ''Sir, that was written by nv
late husband"' ..Ah. yes. of course.
did not mean But why did you
q 70
'.Ach Hmnel, that is my present hus-
band!'
In an equally unenviabls situation
were some lady visitors going through
penitentiary under the escort of a
superintendent. When they came to
room in which three women were
sewing met whispered one of
the visitors, what vicious-lookinr
creatures! Pray, what are they here
for?' Because they have no other
home. This is our sitting-room. and
they are my wife and two daughters"
blandly answered the superintendent.
Mistakes of this kind often occur
through people similarly jumping at
conclusions. What a murderous-
looking villain the prisoner isr' whis-
pered an old lady in courtroom to
her husband; I'D be afraid to get near
him. "Shr' warned her husband;
''that isn't the prisoner; he hash been
brought in yet" 1T isn't? Who is
1t, then?" '.It's the judge"
Some people have such pleasant
way of putting things. ..Now, do let
me propose you as a member SAYS
Smith. But suppose they blackball
me?" replied Brown. Pooh! Alb
surd! Why. my dear fellow. there's
not man in the club that knows YOU
event.
A lady. very DESTROYS of concealinS
the awful fact that she is the same age
as her husband. observed to a visitor:
my husband is forty: there are just
five years between u.s." lis it possi-
ble?" was the unguarded reply of her
friend. Il give you my word. you
look as young as he does"
As unexpected must have been the
reply Of the husband whose wife said:
"You have never taken me to the GEM
etery." mo, DEAR" he answered:
''that is pleasure have vet in antici-
patton"
1t is related of a portrait-painter that.
having recently painted the portrait of
lady. a critic who had just dropped
in to see what was going on in the
studio. exclaimed: 1T is very nicely
painted; but why do You take such an
ugly model?" 1T is my mother"
calmly replied the artist. .'Oh. par
don. thousand timesr' from the
critic, in great confusion. You are