Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-01-16
VANILLA N
TELLS OF HOW SHE CANE NEAR LOSING
HER HAIR
In A Texas Hotel, Not By the SCalpinS hnlfe
OF the Wild Red Man But by
BedStead.

BedStead.
WILLS POINT, Ten, January 10.
SOMETHING FUNNY.
Dear RsgiSter:-Man is naturally a grum-
bier, whether in clover or on q freight car
bumper he grumbles all the same. am
willing now to bet a big white dollar that
Adam was a chronic grumbler and l dare
De Witt Talmage to copper the bet.
know from human nature that Adam
would make sarcastic remarks about Ewes
brevity of dress, and say it was to much
| deeoLete and all that, and even accuse her
of being a prominent member of Washing
ton society. l will also venture that
after she went into the millinery business
in her r~udimentary way that he would 40
cuse the poor girl of being over dressed and
swear she bought her wardrobe from Worth
of Paris. Man is grumbler and has no
sense. He will pay his hard earned wealth,
a quarter of o dollar of it for a cocktail or
tom-and,jerry, and then try and beat down
a clothier five cents oil a ten cent pair OF
socks, and try and make his wife wear
a second hand base ball mask for an inn
proven all in the blessed name Of econ
omy. Then after hot words will go out
and lose $40 on q dog fight. tell you my
dear reader we are wise mortals, all of us,
and we all wonder how in the thunder no
one has yet mentioned us for the Presi-
dency. But still he will grumble; 1T Is
his Unborn nature to do so. But it Is rea-
sonable. We, man, l mean, never grum-
bles without being actually, actually Isay,
forced to it.
Now when / tell of my misfortune
know everybody will sympathise, because
men never make ill-natured remarks only
when forced to. Now, gentle, dOcile rea-
der, will You believe me when l tell you,
one of your own state and race, that |
narrowly escaped having my hair,-nar-
rowly escaped being made bald. With
bated breath and pale face, you murluur
from your almost paralyzed vocal organs
"Indiansr'
No, darling reader, not Indians, but the
last hotel,-abOut the last on earth.
l stepped oil the train
IN ALL THE EXHUBERANCE OF YOUTH
and a long ulster. From among the mul-
titude, who no doubt assembled to see me
get off, one came forward and generously
stepped on my toes and graspcd my valise
and said, 'OtelsirI" | told him was
glad To see him and | went across to his
hOstelry-livery stable establishment and
made my abode with him. When the cur
tains of night were pinned back by the
stars, and all the saloons closed and other
poetic language he escorted me To my stall.
As usual, he had his hotel remOdeled, reno
waited. boiled down and all modern im-
proyements. wonder why these hotel
keepers continually keep this up, this
thread bare inducement, in the face of the
chestnut movement. His r%emOdeling and
etc, consisted of y revarniShing of his fur
niture. 4 travelling artist had done this
for his board. | got one of the remodeled
beds. In addition to the architectural
portion being vanished, the bed WAS stuffed
in the latest style os art, | felt ut least six
door knobs, and
IDREAMED THAT | WAS GULLIVER
among the L%itliputians sleeping on several
moutain chains. The bed in length was
shorter than Il politicians charity, and the
consequence was that my head pressed
with IL loving iondness,-the ~headbOard.
The warmth of my active brain had SOf-
tened the varniSh and when | attempted
to- arise ~ | usually do | found my incli-
nation would not work.
Can YOU imagine the horrible feelings my
dear reader that permeated my system?
don't think you can. 1t takes one like
myself or u Milton or Dante to imagine 1t
and not lie about the state of affairs. My
long ambroSial locks were in the deathly
embrace of the vanished hcadbOard. |
could not reach the bell cord for there was
no bell cord if | did reach it. | could not
get out without prematUrely scalplng my
self. | felt cold streams of agony filling
every pore. The horror ofthe situation burst
upon me! the copyright on this last sen
tence has expired, SO we take the liberty
of using it, | felt that | was vanished
from the world. | could not take up my
bed and walk, if | did how would look!
The idea was %unbearable. In my agony |
felt that | would succumb. | could see
visions of a cOronerS inquest. | could im-
agine them examining my pockets and
finding my tooth brush, my gloves and
several pant buttons and no wealth. see
them examining and trying to find some
thing in my valise which holds only
AN ACHING VOID;
then hear the report, suicide from de-
spOndency caused by financial emharas-
ment." l gave two or three blood curd-
ling yells, and the landlord came tearing
up and declared that he thought it was
Patti doing u difficult opera. explained
my situation, and then he tried to pick me
hut | would not harvest worth q cent. He
thought warm water would loosen my hair
and the chambermaid, a red headed boy of
20, poured water ON my head for N hour,
but with no effect. They tried I've water,
and alcohol, and ammonia but | still stuck.
The landlord finally suggested that the bed
be taken apart and then carry me and the
headboard down and put us by the fire.
One brutal wretch suggested that | leave
it that way and travel with . museum. |
was bored almost to death. | soon was the
object and center of the most remarkable
ante-mOrtem examination that ever adOrn-
ed our country. A doctor suggested that
| he chloroformed and then pulled from the
he'd. / objected. A carpenter solved the
problem. He produced II chiSel and NAL
let and proceeded to carve the %headbOard;
in a few moments | was u free man with
my sovereignty under my hat so to speak,
and q section of a furniture store on my
head. / hope for the henetit Of my fellow
men that this style of removing people
from their downy couch will not become
general, because it interteres with q mans
christian spirit, and is productive of a
great many other evils. l I'm now
SOAKING MY HEAD
in turpentine and the doctor in charge, q
white washer, tells me that with patience,