News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-02-03

silver card-tray and bronze Hercules
for the mantel, and a lovely Russian
table rug to lay in front of my dressing
case. What are you going to get for
me, Tootsy ?"
"rve been thinking, Jane, and have
about concluded to get you a new shay
ing brush"
Trouble ensues. II Washington Critic.
HE WAS OUT.
A gentleman of this city said not
long ago to his physician doctor who
has perhaps the largest and most lucra.
tive practice of his profession in Buffalo
-'It was a bad day, doctor, when yor
persuaded me to leave off drinking foul
years ago." Chow so," said the doctor
''you never looked as well in your life )
every truem responded the gentleman
"but my doctors bill in the meantime
has not been $40. "-BufaiO Ad0erttSer.
WHAT HE WOULD SAY.
A married couple were out promenad-
ing in the suburbs of Austin one day.
Presently the wife said:
"Think, Albert, if the brigands should
come now and take me from youm
'Tmpossible, my dear"
"But supposing they did come and
carry me away, what would you say2"
81 should say" replied the husband,
that the brIgands were new at the
business. That's all"
BOTH SIDES.
ooh, yes" said a passenger from the
far west, 'I made heap of money out
of the big mining furry in Frisco. il
was the biggest money-making streak |
ever had"
(Which side of the market did you
operate on ?"
Both Sides You see, I had a
pawnbrokIng establishment only four
doors from the mining exchange. .
| Chicago Herald.
A BANK.
We mentioned some weeks ago that
a banking house was required in this
place, so Trenton lady kindly mailed
us this week nice little n bank for
our own special use. We feel quite
proud of the fact that we now own a
whole bank 1t is quite large enough,
too, to hold all we are likely to save
here for a long time.-I'auo10orth (On-
tariO) Nee0s.
NO CHANGE FOR HIM.
Peckham (meeting an old friend)-
''Why, Dingley, is this you! l haven't
seen you for ten years. How are you,
anyhow2
Dingley-"Oh, I'm just like I used
to be. By the way, Peckham, how's
your wife? You used to say you had
the boss girl when you were single.
Peckham (sadly)-"She's still boss
Life.
A NICE POSITION.
$50 you have become a detectiveQ
said New York man to his friend.
/ t'le es, and I am meeting with consider
/ able success"
| - -z4Zy YOU. The life OF q detective
is the most pleasant in the world. You
enjoy all the the pleasures that a thief
mas, and yet you are looked upon as an
| honest man. n."-IerGs SytiVgS.
PROOF POSITIVE.
"The teacher wanted to box my ears
this morning, " remarked Johnny Fizzle
top.
.t'How do you know that he wanted to
box your earsi" asked his mother.
IF he hadn't wanted to box my ears
he wouldn't have done it, would he,
ehT'-Austjn Sgftjngs.
FIDo's PERIL.
Miss Dudely-'Did the little pet bite
you, Mr.. Snobberly!"
Snobberly-"Yes; I am afraid his
teeth struck the bone"
''NIiss Dudely-"They did, Poor lit
tie Fidol hope it won't hurt hlm!'
COMPENSATION.
Prospective Iodger-'And is there
fire in the room?"
Landlady-"No, but there is the
most beautiful picture of an Italian sun
set you ever saw. ."-Pitts5erg Dispatch.
A DREAM.
Sexton to the Church sleeper: l beg
your pardon sir, but the services are
over.
Sleeper: # you'll build it this mornin',
Maria, won't ask you agin all winter.
THE LARGEST.
In mineralogy class: Teacher-John-
ny, give L1S bIlO AloAAAO VI hAAS SoS
known diamond.
Johnny-The ace. -BinghGmptOn Re
publican.
ODDS AND ENDS.
IT is easy to call names, except when
your first born needs one.
THE young man who has his evenings
to himself generally goes and gives
them to some one else.
IT is queer that the man who has the
least character is the one who is always
trying the hardest to have 1t vindicated.
SUNDAY school superintendent -
"Wha5 is the worst thing about riches?"
Honest scholar Il hat | haven't any"
"WHAT would the world do without
alcoholic" asks an exchange. That has
never benzlne, and probably never will
be.
THE proposition to substitute an
electric shock for the gallows doesn't
seem to Ketch on, says the Boston
HerQId.
A YOUNG man went into Centre
s rect drug store the other day and told
the clerk he wanted some rock and
rye without any rock.
"THIs is a queer way to spell Henry
remarked Mrs. Snaggs. CLOVIS it
spelled?" asked her husband ''Its in
a court case here, and it's spelled In re
Smith ;"
Pension AGENT taking papers from
clerk )-"Did this man take part in the
warp Clerk-"Yes sir " Agent -''What
part? Clerk-''All he could get, sir.
He was sutler."
CITY man-''What the blazes is the
matter with that hen" Farmer
Nothing. She has just laid an egg
CITY man-"Great Scott! One would
suppose she had laid the foundation for
a brick block"
IT is reported by a fairly reliable
newspaper that widow in Oakland,
Cal, has sued a newspaper for libel be.
cause in its obituary notice of her hus.
band it spoke of his having "gone to a
happier home"
A VERMONT farmer who is spending
the holidays in New York writes to his
wife: 'Most everybody here seems to be
hard up for money. You can't go into
a store without hearing somebody yell
ing for, "Cashm
THE design on the menu card of the
Maine drummers' dinner in Portland
was the picture of travelling man ap-
preaching a young lady in a nearly
empty railroad car and saying: II beg
your pardon, is this seat engaged?'
AND now, my dear General, come and
sit nv me- and tell mo oil the scandal