Morning journal and courier., 1887-04-01
CLEMENS FUNNY LECTURE.


 The Common Pleas Court Room
 Crowded With People to Hear That
 Potent HumOrist-Many Unable To
 Gain Admission.
 . Samuel L. Clemens, the noted humorist, lectured before the Kent club last night in the Court of Common Pleas room. The room was crowded to the doors and many were turned away. A great many of those present were very uncomfortable, because the room was not properly ventilated and there was such a crowd in it.
 What MT. Clemens said might be called lecture and then again it might not. It would be better, it would seem, to call it "An Evening with Clemens and his Hodge Podge of Fun" MT. Clemens opened by saying that what he would say was also what he had written for the Century and would appear in the April number of that maga- zine. He announced as his subject English as She is Taught" He explained that he had gathered the things which he was to say during the evening from teachers of schools who had taken notes of what was said in the school room. Here is 8 scholar, when asked what alias is, says he is good man mentioned in the Bible. Another one says ammonia is food for the gods; emolument, 8 headstone for grave; equestrian, one who asks questions; ipecac, a man who likes a good dinner; Republican, city mentioned in the Bible; demagogue, vessel containing beer and other things.
 Here are some sentences where the ear must have misled the pupil: The marriage was illegible. He was totally diseDacted. The leopard was watching his sheep. The captain eliminated bullet through his heart. There are good many donkeys in the theo- logical gardens.
 In grammar scholar says that gender is the name of a noun without regard to sex. A straight line is the distance between two places. Parallel lines are those that can never run together till they meet. Things that are equal to each other are equal to any thing else A circle is round line with 8 hole in it.
 In geography: America is divided into the Pacific slope and the Atlantic ocean. The principal products of America are earth quakes and volcanoes. Ireland is called the Emerald Isle, because it is beautiful and green. The imports are those things which are paid for, and the exports are those things not paid for The climate last all the time only few days.
 The child generally has the year 1492 so strongly impressed on his mind that he Will answer that date almost every time when a historical question is asked. Washington made the Declaration of Independence in 1892 The earth is 1 .492 miles in circumfer- ence. Christopher Columbus was called the father of his country. John Smith was call ed the father of this country. His life was once saved by his daughter "Wontuhavus" The middle ages are those between posterity and antiquity. Julius Caesar was noted for his famous telegram, ''I came, saw, l con- quered." Socrates destroyed some statues and had to drink shamrock. Here is some thing that will be of value to the Kent club and want you all to pay particular atten- R. c. sp1r T1 a1u 1avrv. No women nor descendants of women shall occupy the throne. Abraham Lincoln was born in Wales in 1899. Edward Poe is a very curdling writer. Ben Johnson sur vived Shakespeare in some respects. George Eliot left wife and children to mourn his loss. McCauley graduated from Harvard, studied law, was raised to the periods in 1867 and died in 1797. Some say that Homers poems were not written by him, but by some other person by that name.
 These are some bright things known by school children on politics. The first con- scientious Congress met in Philadelphia, and I guess it was the last one. The President rules the world. Congress is divided into three divisions-civilized, half-civilized and savage.
 In music: Rests are when the person is not singing. An interval is the space in the key board between one piano and another.
 The gastric juice keeps the bones from creaking. A tooth begins to grow in the back of the mouth and the root extends into the stomach.
 A number of pupils wrote compositions and from them I select one which is on girls" A girl is very stuck-up thing and very dignifed. They think more of dress than anything else. They make fun of boys and then turn around and make love to him. They laugh at boys hands and say how dirty they are. They are afraid of 8 COW when they see it in the distance. They stay in the house all the time and then go to church on Sunday. Every night they look out of the window and exclaim how lovely the moon is.
 Mr. Clemens closed by giving quotation from Edward Charming and saying that the difference between Americans and Germans was that the Germans were just made to see a thing and then made to learn what it meant.