Morning journal and courier., 1887-05-05
TURNS.

It is the wooden-headed man whose head is easily ''turned. ."-Boston Commercial Bul- letin.
 Tourist (to Highland sentry on 8 cold, frosty morning)-"Sentry, are you cold with the kilta'Sentry- -F'Na, but I'm near kilt wi the cau1d''
 ''Yes, Munna," replied Fogg, very appro- priately, when his hostess asked him if he would take glass of champagne.-Boston Transcript.
 An exchange says that Mark Twain and Mr. Howells walk around New York with their arms lovingly locked. This is probably done to keep them from writing in the streets.-Life.
 ''I have remarkable story to tell you, Jones'" exclaimed Smith. "Tell on," re- piled Jones. After the narration. Smith asked: ''Is that true, did you see it in a Chicago paper!"-Tid-Bit
 The statement that the Nihilists are going to abandon the dagger and the bomb gives rise to the suspicion that they have hired Arthur Richmond to write letters to the Czsr.-Pittsburg Despatch.
 "If you would lend me your influence in this matter, sir, it would be of great help to me-" he said.
 'sYoung man," was the reply, "Tm out of influence. lent it not long ago to elect citizen to office and I've never got it back" -N0W 4Ork Duu.
 Tailor (measuring eminent ProhibitionisD -"Well, sir, how is prohibition these daysa" Prohibitionist-"G -"Glorious, my friend, glori- ous! The cause is ever going forward" /" Tailor-'I am glad to hear it, sir. You want two hip pockets, I spose?" Prohibi tionist-stYes, two." Tailor-''Pint or quart sizea'-Macon Telegraph.
 Boston young lady Gin the country)-And did you really paint the barn yourself, Uncle James?
 Uncle James-Yes.
 Boston young lady-By hands
 Uncle James-Sartin.
 Boston young lady fetching her breath)- Think of it, a hand painted barn9-New York Sun.
 A well known retail merchant was in bad humor one Monday morning. A friend preaching yesterday did not do you much good" ''It did not" was the answer. "My pastor preached against the follies of fash ionable dress, and most of the ladies of his congregation are my customers. .'-Dry Goods Chronicle
 A Business Homily. James," said the milkman to his new boy, "d'ye see what Pm a-doin' ofa' 'sYes, sir,' replied James; syou're a pourin' water in the milk" "No, I'm not, James: I'm a-pourin' milk in the water. So if anybody arsks you if put wa ter in my milk, you tell 'em no. Alters stick to the truth, James; cheatin' is bad 'nough, but lyin' is wuss. ."-Harper's Bazaar.
 Hard to Please.-Col. Whooper-"Sah in your paper of yesterday morning you referred to me as "a badly scared veteran You promised to correct the error this morning." Editor-''Well, it's all right in this morn ing's paper, ain't ita" Colonel -''No sah; it now reads that am a bottle scared vet eran.' Now, sah, if you make one more cor rection I'll hold you personally responsible, sah. ."-Texas Siftings.
 ''Chappie, was grossly insulted to day, doncher know" remarked Fitzpercy. "Ah, how did it occuh me dear boy3" inquired DeSappy. 'sI went to buy hat, you see, and I ahsked the cweachah at the stoh, An, what soht of hat do you think would. suit meY and the wretch replied, as bwazen as you please, A soft one, sir.'" "Did you wesent the insults" "Yaas, promptly" Glow did you wesent it!" ''I said sWats! veal loud and slammed the door as 1 went 1- tfsaT ChrOOio1e