Roseburg review. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 1885-1920, 1887-07-29
LrMeKILN CLUB.


janitor arrived to place the hall in
order for the usual meeting. Ever since
the attempt of last October bear-traps
and spring-guns have been set at every
door and window when the hall was
closed, and this fact was generally
known to the public. The human
hyena who had resolved in his own base
mind to destroy the headquarters of the
club procured ladder, mounted to the
roof, and then cut hole and descended
alongside of a chimney. In this way
he thought to escape all dangers pre-
pared for him, and he no doubt
chuckled with fiendish glee as he
dropped down into the library. His
first move was to demolish the bust of
Cicero. This was one of the first busts
donated to the clnb, and has represented
Horace Greeley, Napoleon Bonaparte,
Franklin Pierce, George Washington
and several other distinguished men by
turns. The villain seized crowbar
standing in corner of the
library and demolished the bust at one
awful sweep. He then started for
the club safe, doubtless intending to
drive the crowbar through and through
it, and then vengeance overlook him.
As he stepped into the passage behind
the secretary's desk 4 bear-trap awaited
his coming with yawning jaws and
clashing teeth. What occurred is par
TALLY matter of guesswork. The trap
was found sprung and in its jaws was
a bloody boot. Bloody tracks led from
thence to the ante-room. and there the
bastard had raised window and leaped
down on the roof of the grocery and es-
capped to the ground. The occurrence
probably took place Friday night, as the
policeman on the beat remembers of
hearing loud, long shrek about eleven
o'clock. 1t sounded to him like the
voice of strong man about to give up
the fight for his life, and though he in
vestigated the neighborhood he was
made no wiser. How the villain suf-
fered-how he wrung his hands and
vowed to live better life hereafter
how the sweat of agony stood on his
forehead and his eyes grew fiercely
wild-can be imagined by any one who
has visited the scene.
1t is supposed that he had a pal"
in the alley, and that this man finally
came to his relief and pried the trap
open far enough to permit the foot to
be pulled out of the boot. As soon as
the meeting was called to order the
ianitor reported the case, accompanied
by a war map, and Brother Gardner
arose and said:
wild an opportunity to address you on
de subjick of Goodness vs.. Badness. If
when baby was three days ole, he
could reason an calkilate, he would
reason as follows: 'Heah ar, sound,
healthy boy, wild a big show of growth
up to manhood. De more l kick an
yell an misbehave doorin' my infancy
de mo- spankin's I'll receive. De better
mind an de gooder ar as boy d.
easier will / slip along. AS young
man shall be upright an honest. A.
middle-aged man shall act on d.
squar'. AS an ole man / shall qui
chawin' plug tobacker, read up on dt
Bible an go to bed airlY.'
"Wickedness doan' pay, fgger it VI
as you will. We hev had many in.
stances of it in dis club, an we ar sur.
rounded wild 'em at home. Wher
Whalebone Howker stole wheelbarrel
belongin' to Pickles Smith he at fust re.
joiced an was glad. He felt dat ht
was two dollars ahead of de game, and
he poked hissef in de ribs fur smart
man. Howsumeber, he hadn't had dat
stolen vehickle in his posseshun two
hours when his game rooster died, dc
dog-catcher picked up his dog, an +:
man who owed him four dollars wen
into bankruptcy. He could fgger da
he was eight dollars out of pocket, an
den Pickles foun' out who stole hi;
wheelbarrer an cum ober an lickeC
Whalebone widin an inch of his life
besides.
take de case of Bermuda Jones
who Ibis mex doah to Condensed Gun
ningham. Bermuda sot down wild {
piece of chalk an figgered up dat wick
edncss paid two hundred per cent. an
he went ober to de grocery; backed up
agin cracker bar'l. an while he in.
GAGGED de grocer in religus discussion
wild one hand. he filled his hind pocket
wild crackers wild de odder. He
started out of dat grocery feeling dat
he was seben cents ahead an still gain.
in, but what was de resultP A small
boy, who was in dar to buy cents
WORT of taffy, seed de hull performance
an told de grocer. Bermuda was fol
Tered home, knocked down in the
kitchen an made to give up de fo' cane
seat cheers in his parlor to settle de
case. Did he profit by his badness!
Did he make any two hundred per cent
on dat?
"Agin, take de case of ofKurnel Letting
well Kabar. had six Leghorn hens ii
my coop, an he coveted 'em. Instead
of comm tome in frank, honest way
an offerin' to buy dose hens at deli
value an gibin' ME his note due il
thirty days, he steals upon my coop il
de gloom of midnight an forcibly cap
tivates my poultry. He chuckled tt
hisself ober his smartness an he figgeret
up his two hundred per cent. profit, bu
Nemesis war on on his trail. He lef
one of de ole blue patches on his pant;
on nail in de coop, an when fount
my hens gone I walked ober to hi;
humble cabin an took him by de mech
an drawed him out doors. Some o.
you hev probably heard dat he wen
into decline soon arter dat, an dat
when dc post-mortem was held three O
his ribs war found stickin' out of hi.
back.
Il hey fggered on goodness an bad