The Washington critic., 1887-12-17


mder obligations to fer favors, but thar
5 no rule as TO the quantity, and you
cln take couple of fingers and dilute 1t
th Appoinaris wartcr, ginger ale, or
1methin' of that weakonin' and harm
fss mater. lSeveral groans all around
ne tablet
Tho next thing is socicty--hcwaro of
socioty-pattriots in swaller-tail coats
never got thersclves in cvorlastin' mar
hle or perpetule bronze. [Chccrs.l In
dulgo in IL TO u proper extent and
draw the line. Society is the female
congress of Washington. and men huint
got no business ON the floor longer than
TO answer the roll.call. lNIurmnrings
by Messrs. Bricc, Burnett, Lodge, and
several young members, Women is
largely u constituent element of society
and Congressman cant do nothln' else
when thar's woman around. Loud
cheers. That's why the ladies' gallery
in tho House is sctch a set back to our
legislative duties, and why ! want to
guard you agin substitutin' silks and sat
ings for the rough cloth OF the grand old
stars and Stripes. Cheers Women
is like Ticker; Keep reliable brand Mt
home that you kin depend on, in the
shape Of good wife and you'll he noblcr
patriots and better citizens, Cheers.
That's why l keep Mandy ut home, in
std of lettin' her come TO Washington
to spend the season. As yit, yon don't
know what society is in the National
Capital, but after New Ycrs, when the
steam is turned on full, YOU will begin
to see that the swaller-tail is bigger than
the American Eagles tail, and new
man has got to exert all his strcnth in
choosin' whether he will be u dude er 4
statesman. | am proud TO say, gentle
men, that while my opponents has not
hesitated to state that would steal a
hoss, ef the night was dark enough, they
haint dared sit to call me dude. Great
applause,l
look is attendin TO cards that is sent TO
YOU on the floor of the House when you
air busy with the great affairs of State.
Drop all holts when they come in and
go out at onct and see the man er the
woman sendin' it in. Don't let your
dignity as statesman knock the props
from under you. lChcers.l You may
be the Hon. So and So, NJ. G., TO the
world but to your constituents You air
Bill er Sam er Jack, jist us You used to
be when you was an umble citizen, and
You never can learn. them different.
lCheers.1 Occasionally, when man
has been around twelve er fourteen
times, you can withdraw to the cloak
room and let the Doorkeeper report
that you aint on the floor, but you must
be keerful and not git back to your seat
jist rs he sets down in the gallery and
ketches you in the act. have knowed
this to lose q man whole prccink,
when votes was wuth two dollars apiece.
lCheers.l 1t is needless fer me to say
that he was not m old Member. Old
Members never git caught that away.
OFFICES.
"Agin don't poster the life out of the
President and other high ofiiciuls tryin'
to git offices fer your friends. know a
lew Member is fuller OF promises than a
yaller dog is of floas, but promises in
politics is susceptible of powerful sight
Of manipulation. Applause. Pm in
favor of every citizen of this great and
glorious Republic havin' an Office, but
somebody has got to stay home and
make tho money to pay salaries with
statesmen has got to be keerful. III q
promise I've made thar would be to-day
not less than $4,000 postotfices in my
deestriok alone, and 1t is so with every
old Member; but none of us has got thai
many postofiices in our deestricks, and
good many of us manages to git re-
elected notwithstanding. You ear
only learn how to do this by experience
Faint qpplause.]
"Don't loaf around saloons. The only
vote unaccunted fer is the Prohibition
lists, and you can't git that in the gin
mills. [Cheers. Thar'sa restaurant at the
House whar harmless and exhilaratin
tonics can be got cheap, and thar is drug
stores down town whar wet goods is
kept, both of which never causes re-
marks when you go into them. Sig
nifcant smiles all around.]
"Another place that don't increas,
your influence much is the hotel lobbies
They air excellent to collect gang ir
and tell stories fer an hour er two, but ]
haint never yit heerd of revival of re
ligion startin' in hotel lobby. Ant
that reminds me to call your attention
to church goin'. Never miss putin ir
part Of your Sunday that away. Re
ligion and politics don't mix, mebbe
but we swear by the Head and Heart o
religion to be true to our country and IL
institutions and we aint goin' TO hur
ourselves much by slippin in onct I
week and havin' a change from our po
litical worship, even ef we don't &C
knowledge the Sperrit except to swea
by. [Applause; checked in time.]
"Thar is good many other triflin
temptations, like spittin' terbacker juic
on the carpet, BLOWN ont the gas, eatin
with your knife, usin' your fingers fer
hankercher, wearin' dirty collar
gittin' yourself interviewed fer tn
press and thousand more things tina
iint so bad in the neighborhood wha
hcy know you, but they won't do here
and you must guard agin them.
statesman is knowed more by the littl
things he does than the big ones, fer tn
little ones comes material and the bi
ones don't. [Cheers.l
II was agoin' to counsel you to be mod
est, but see thar amt no needcessity o
that, fer you have set through my re
marks without askin' me any questions
and my experience on the floor of tn,
II L. ,l.A