Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1887-03-23
MR.. AND MRS. BOWSER.
THE HUSBAND PREPARES a GRAND
SURPRISE FOR HIS WIFE.

The Butchers OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES Of
Grief-FinaIe.
''What dye think" exclaimed Mr..
Bowser, as he rushed into the sitting room
without taking time to leave his hat and
overcoat ON the hall rack
''SOme of our relations dead"
"RelatiOns? Nav! Mrs. BoWser, for
the past two or three weeks [ have been
preparing a surprise for you-a great sur
prise How much milk do we use around
this house Gailyy'
''Three quarts of milk and pint of
cream"
Exactly, Mrs. Bower, exactly. And
the cost is tWenty-four cents. You call it
milk, but what is it? A compound of
chalk and water, which must kill us in
side of five years"
"And are you going to change milk
menu
Exactly, Mrs. Bowser. am going to
be my own milkman after thisn'
'Hou are going to-to'-
Eyes, I'm going to buy Il GOVT"
''But you always get cheated on such
things"
500 /? TlHt's all you know about it!
When don't make % per cent profit /
want to be kicked. A COW will be the
best paying Investment we ever made.
Just figure for yourself: There are twelve
quarts of rich milk per day, at six cents
per quart. That's seVenty-two cents per
day or $5.04 per week. Take out seventy
five cents us the cost of her keeping, and
you have clear profit of $4.29. Is that
a swindle? We can't use over four quarts
per day, and can therefore sell eight to
the neighbors. Just speak to Green and
Smiths folks, will you?'
MIR. BowsER's WARNING:
''Mr Bowser, don't you remember our
pig?''
Pig! pig! What has Durham cow
got to do with a short horn pig? And,
besides, your own base conduct killed that
animal. Mrs. Bowser, don't you dare at
tempt any tricks on my COW | don't
want q scandal but I'll divorce you if
you ever look cross eyed at her.
''Well, we'll see how you'll come out"
"Oh, yes-throw cold water on my eff
forts to give you all the comforts of life.
It's wonder to me that / don't get dis
couraged and go TO the gutter, as many
good man has
Early the next morning woman ap-
peared with COW and calf, having them
as well as the COW, and / noticed that it
seemed to be doing its best to keep away
from her. This seemed so singular that |
went to the back door to speak to Mr..
Bowser about it, but he promptly called
to me:
''Get back there! Do you want to get
this COW excited and her blood heated
upr'
He paid for his new mich COW and
placed COW and calf in the barn, and after
giving them an hour to quiet down he
came in for me. After looking the ami
mails over l asked:
''Mr. Bowser, how old is that calf2'
''Three weeks
"And that COW is its mother?"
Its mother? You don't think she's its
uncle or grandfather, do you? You must
be getting soft in the headn'
do you notice that she won't own it?
See there! She's ready to cripple it if it
comes nearn'
''Mrs. Bowser, you go in and attend to
your gossip and that wall eyed baby, and
don't you dare to come near this barn
again! You have become cross eyed and
soft headed
went in, but two hours later, when he
had butcher up to buy the calf, slipped
out and heard the man say:
Chats the way of it, Bowser. That
isn't her calf any more than you are
Queen Victoria's brother, The COW may
be all right, however; she looks like
good mixer
The calf was driven away, and Mr.,
Bowser put in the afternoon at making q
milk stool and fixing buttons ON the cows
horns. After supper he went out and
MIXED and as he brought in pail even
full he set it on the kitchen table with the
complacent remark:
"Might have got six quarts more, but ]
got tired"
THREE GLASSES FOR SUPPER.
He made great ado about drinking
three glasses for supper, and the cook was
sent around the neighborhood to drum up
customers. He held me in lofty contempt
for awhile, but finally melted enough to
inquire;
''Well, did you taste any chalk in that?"
mo, but did you observe that it had an
old taste?"
"W-what do you mean?"
'If that calf didn't belong to her what
is the Inference"
He rose up, turned as white as a sheet,
and after great effort managed to say:
''The inference is that you don't know
enough to come in when it rains! Mrs.
Bowser, you killed off my hens, and you
caused the death of my pig! Take care
how you conspire with my COW! There is
a limit to which q human being can be
pushedn'
Nothing further was said until next
morning, when the quantity of milk
dropped off to four quarts. ] began to
express wonder and amazement, but Mr..
BOwser interrupted me with!
II didn't expect even that much this
morning. She is grieving for her calf"
The quantity at night was the same,
and Mr.. Bowser's marble brow wore
look Of anxiety. At the end of week
the quantity had fallen to three quarts at
milking, even with Mr.. Bowser feeding
ten pounds of meal per day. Then vent
ured to observe:
'Mr. Bowser, was satisfied from the
first that you had been swindled That
calf nev''-
ooh, you were? Well, wasn'tI She's
grieved for that calf until her milk is
nearly gone, but I'll fat her for beef and
get at least $50 more than she cost me-"
We kept the beast from March to Sep
TENDER. She yielded us about $40 worth
of milk which no one liked to use, and
she cost $50 for fodder. Her first cost,
exclusive of the calls was S4a Mr.. Bow
ser sold her to suburban butcher for
$50, and on the evening the trade was
concluded, and as we sat In the cleaning,
/ remarked:
''Well, it hardly paid us to buy the
cow
cit didn't, Ell? 1 expected you'd be
tinging out some insult pretty soon! Why
didn't it pay us? Who coaxed me into
buying her? Who did her malicious best
to drive that COW to her grave? Mrs.
Bowser, l just wish you had some hus.
bands to live withp'-Detroit Free Press.
The death rate at ST. Petersburg ex,
ceeds the birth rate by nearly 100 per
month,