The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1887-04-23
BILL NYE'S ADVICE.
Wholesome Admonitions to One Contem-
plating a Career of Crime

opening where you are for live, go-ahead train
robber, fourteen hands high and of coed pedi-
gree! The industry has been greatly overdone
here. When train robbing is let out to the low
est bidder the profits are bound to be small 1t
might not pay IN your immediate vicinity, as
am told that you are at q health resort, and 1
have noticed that where good health runs riot
there is very little Of any thing else, but per
haps you know locality where it would pay
own eighty acres of the finest dornicks YOU ever
saw, and want you to tell me in bold-faced
type what is best for me to do. II you say So
| I'll stick to the dorniclkS until the cows return
to their domicie. The chattel mortgage of
fate, however, is hard to raise on fagstone
soil. Yours truly, M r. WHITE
Do not murmur or repine over your
hard, macadamized lot Mr.. White, or
seek to become suddenly wealthy by
robbing trains.
If you are determined to go into the
train robbing industry, however, do not
come here. This is no place for train
robber. You would not wish to rob an
invalid on his way here for his health
and just barely alive; and l am sure
you would not care to rob him on his
way back, when he is strong and well,
but penniless. .'
That is not the worst drawback about
train robbing here, however. 1t is the
running time of the trains that inter-
feres with your trade. A band of train
robbers from Missouri came here five
years ago, hoping to establish branch
of their great cooperative train wreck
ing and robbing emporium; but they
were not successful.
1t is said that they established them
selves up near Round Knob, armed to
the teeth and awaited the arrival of the
train.
Time passed on.
At first they were not very hungry
and did not think it advisable to devour
any of their number, but at last starva-
ton overpowered good resolutions and
reason; so one after another of the
younger and weaker of the band yielded
to the frenzied and ADMINISTRATOR frag-
ment of the once buoyant and self-reli-
ant company.
AT last one night, just as the moon
clumb the picturesque step-ladder of
stars and looked down upon the wild
and beautiful pictuIe of glorified noun
tain and somber valley, as the last col
ored loiterer had returned from the
distant revival, softly humming to him
self, while a pair of Plymouth rocks
sleepily peered from the pockets of his
army overcoat into the glorious night,
as the ever-regretful pine of the Old
North State gave back to the night wind
a hopeless whisper in answer to
its light cares, the last of the lusty rob-
bers yielded to long exposure, famine
and the sharp, remorseless tooth of time.
His latest fluttering breath went out
upon the bosom of the mountain zephyr
as shrill whistle sounded from beyond
the ''trussel," and in less than two
hours, almost before his body had be-
come cold and rigid in death, the train
with a muffled rumble and grumble and
roar, with a mad shrek and hot box,
passed him in its resistless fight.
So you see, Mr.. White, that this Is no
place to rob trains. 1t rs too uncertain.
This is good place for health, but it
is no place to rob trains. | can tell you
where there are some good, robust
chickens, or at least where they were
an hour ago; but until the road here has
more respect for its timetable, | would
not advise a train-robber in whom felt
an interest to come here.
know that at times your dornick
farm will look bleak and desolate to
you, and you will madly yearn for
more soil, but it is better than the
enervating toll of sitting night after
night in cold culvert, wearing set of
false whiskers, size too large for you,
and waiting for train that may never
come.
That is not all, friend White. Train
robbing is not now what it was fifteen
or twenty years ago More people &c
''heeled' now than formerly. And
those who do not go heeled have no
money.
In riding through Nebraska some
years ago, l was awakened one night
while in an upper berth by train rob-
Der who was total stranger to me.
He did not move in our set. His weapon
wobbled so, owing to his excitement,
that L caught hold of it to keep it
steady, and also in such position that
if it happened to get itself discharged
the contents would gothrough medical
student who occupied the lower berth.
The train robber seemed to think l
wanted to steal his nice new revolver,
which he had no doubt secured by pro-
curing two fresh subscribers fora child S
paper, and so heresisted. We struggled
there for half an hour, presume, be-
fore l succeeded in robbing him.
A band of robbers. it is said, tried to
rob train bound north from Florida
three years ago, and though they met
with some resistance that was about all
they did meet with.
One robber got package of flea
powder, a set of false teeth and chest
nut bell. ....
Another secured q white vest, buff
falo overcoat and a small wet alligator.
He did not know that he had secured
the alligator until two hours afterward,
when a look of pain came over his face,
and one of his companions removed
him from the small alligator which, it