The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1887-04-16
Mark Twain as a Farmer.

For Thy sake. ~. Y Observer.
Mark Twain as Farmer.
A SPEECH THAT HE MIGHT HAVE DELIv-
ERED BEFORE A FARMERS CLUB.
have been introduced to you as an
experienced Agriculturist. daughter }
1 love the farm. Adam loved the farm.
Uaughter.) Noah loved his vineyards.
Horace loved the farm, as is shown by
that great book, 'What I Know About
Farming Iaughter.) Washington,
Webster and Beecher were allured by
the attractions of agriculture. Some
one said to Beecher, Keep your COWS
out of my shrubbery.' keep your
shrubbery out of my cows replied
Beecher; lit spoils the milk Laugh
ter.) Hogs are hard animals to drive
over bridge. Qaughter.) 1 once
saw man carried several miles on the
back of hog that turned back in oppo-
sition to the solicitations of the driver
on approaching bridge. Iaughter.) }
I will tell you of safe way to get hogs
over bridge: Kill them and draw
them over in wagon. Laughter }
Hogs are fond of spring lambs and
spring chickens. Hogs will eat their
own offspring if no lambs or chickens
are offered in the market. Laughter J
When boy was solicited to escort
pig to a neighbor's farm. A strong
rope tied to the pigs leg was placed in
my hand. l did not know before the
speed and strength Of pig. Laughter }
But they do not run the way you want
them to run. (Renewed laughter.) A
pig can draw canal-boat with the tow
line tied to his hind leg, but would
not insure the canal-boat. Hogs are
cleanly, orderly, silent and not bent on
mischief-( laughter when cut up and
salted and in a tight barrel, with heavy
weight on the lid. prolonged laughter
This is all know about hogs.
Ilove cows. (Laughter.) What so
-meek ..fggdsl Observation-Disclosures "A
hurt by COW but once. He shook his
head at me from behind strong gate.
I felt the security of my position and
SHE'D pumpkin at him. He came
through the gate at me as though it were
SPIDERS web, and then 1 was sorry l
did it. (Laughter.) This kind of a
COW should not be fooled with unless
you are tired of monotony. Laughter.)
The poet loves to dwell upon milkmaids,
milking time and lovers sparkling over
the farm-yard gate, but no such poet
could ever have MIXED cow in fly time.
Laughter.) 1 cannot imagine sue
cessful love suit at such season. l
MIXED the COWS one night when the
BOYS were off on a Fourth of July.
| daughter That is, MIXED one and
half COWS. Oaughter.) The last
one was so busy knocking off flies with
her hind foot 1 thought l had better not
disturb her longer. A pail of fresh milk
kicked over boy does not improve his
clothes or temper. Some say MIXED
from the wrong side. (Great laughter }
1 thought 1 would be sure and be right,
so MIXED half on one side and half on
the other. (Renewed laughter.) Twas
on the other side when she knocked off
most flies. Can any one tell me why a
cow should be permitted to dictate
which side a man shall milk from? l
claim the right of my choice at least
half of the time.
Sheep are my special delight. How
gracefully the lambs galnbol over the
green. I trust you never gamble over
the green. Nothing SO patient and
modest as sheep. Laughter.) Some
say a scamp is the black sheep of the
flock, but black sheep is the just as re-
spectacle as any, and the color line
should not thus be drawn. Laughter.
once fished on the bluff and casually
discovered a sheep with large crooked
horns coming at me with head down and
fire in her eyes. The fish were not biting
we'll, so 1 left my sport and lodged be-
hind stump. The sheep fell on the
rocks below and broke her neck. For
this act l have since been accused OF
non-protection in the wool traffic. This
reminds me of a Commissioner of Ag-
riculture in old times who purchased SIX
hydraulic rams for the improvement OF
American flocks. prolonged laughter.
| Feather beds are made from geese, but
all wooden goods and drums are made
from sheepskins. (Applause.)
take great pride in the horse. 'He
is the noblest Roman of them all.
Laughter. once led Stephens horse
to water. How proudly he arched his
neck and tail. He was so fond of me
he tried to embrace me with his front
feet. But / was so shy he turned about
and playfully knocked my hat off with
his heels. (Laughter.) hold Stephen
l thought horses looked much better
walking on four feet than on two feet
} A horse presses hard when your toe /:
caught under his hoof. l speak moi
from theory, but from actual experience
) Laughter.) l went riding with Ste
phen's horse and he SHE'D and danced
provokingly. Treat him kindly sale
Stephen, Never beat horse By anc
by Stephen thought he would get ou
and walk for exercise. you may lie
him feel the lash little now,' said Ste
phen. "A little discipline now will dt
him good.' prolonged laughter.)
Here is composition I wrote OF
: farming when boy: Farming is heal
thy; but no man can run farm ant
wear his best clothes at the same time
Either the farming must cease while tn
new clothes continue, or the new clothe
must cease while farming continues
This shows that farming is not so cleal
work as being Congressman or school
master, for these men can wear goo'