News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-07-14

A MISUNDERSTANDING.
"NIy dear" said gentleman to his
wife, s'where did all those books on as
tronomy on the library table come from?
They are not ours"
ga pleasant little surprise for you,
responded the lady. "You know, yon
said this morning thatwe ought to study
astronomy, and so [ went to book
store and bought everything l could find
on the subject.
1t was some minutes before he spoke.
''My dear, he then said slowly, his
voice husky with emotion, [ never said
we must study astronomy. [ said that
we must study economy. ~. Y. Sun.
OLD BUT GOOD.
They were telling q story so old that
it is probably as good as new. It was
about poker game of mixed charac-
ter. In the crowd of players was one
man who had the noticeable popularity
of being one-eyed, a sin9Illar-looking
fellow. The betting was high, when a
tall, gaunt sport arose and put his hand
suggestively on his revolver.
"Gentlemen,' he said, impressively,
''theres cheatin' goin' on here. I don't
wish to name no names, nor to make no
personal illusions, but if this cheatin
amt stopped Tn agoin' to shoot his
other eye out and he'll be blind. D."
Two's COMPANY.
Mr.. Gray, (who has brought Miss
Deane to the ball)-I am awfully sorry,
Miss Deane, that it is raining quite hard
now. I have tried in vain to get car
riage, and am afraid that we shall have
to do the best we can with a small UNI
brella.
Miss Deane-What, both of us under
one little umbrella Oh, what fun 4!
! Go other man) Don't you think so Mr.
Browne
Mr.. Brown somewhat sadly)-Yes, fur
| for y0U two.-Hd1pci''s Bazaar.
AT THE MUSICALE.
Snifkins-Mr. Swiggins, Imust thank
you for the rendition of that last song.
[ don't remember when anything sound |
ed so grateful to my ears.
Swiggins-Yes; [ have been very
much complimented on that little piece.
Snifkins-It was splendid. You sang
so loud that Mrs. Coldcash couldn't hear
word of what I was saying to her
daughter. lid Bits,
FLOOD TIDE
Court Officer Ito Queen Victoria)-I
There's an Hamerican gent houtside as
wants to see your Majesty.
The Queen-It's Mr.. Phelps, [ sup
pose Tell him I've gone over to the
Tower to see if the Kohinoor is all right.
Court Officer-It's not Mr.. Phelps;
it's Buffalo Bill.
The Queen-Oh, show him in at once.
" Y. Sun.
DESPERATE ACT.
s'Then do you refuse to give me
money!" asked a prodigal son of his
avaricious father.
absolutely"
''Well, then, know what [ shall do. "
And the son seizes pistol case.
"UnhGppy 5OyL, cries the father,
'twhat you about to dog
Il am going to sell them"
IN SILENCE.
''Strange how [ always seem able to
forge ahead, said a Lewiston man to
his wife, as he pegged up twenty four
hand.
eff you are so good at forging n head,
you had better forge II new one for your
self. You forgot to send up the wood
to-day" The rest of the game was
played in sullen silence. |
BAD OUTLOOK.
"Do you think, young man, he said,
''that you will be able to take care of |
my daughter, Flora, in the style to which |
she has always been accustomed 2"
81 think SO, sir, answered the young |
man confidently. 'She refused to go to
the picnic with me last week because
she said she had nothing to wear '"
HE DID.
Theodore, don't believe you love
me any more,' saida K-street girl plain
lively, as her best fellow, q Post Office
Department clerk, pulled her hastily
past an ice cream saloon. "Oh, don't
say that, dearest" said he reprOachfully
"Why, [ named IA Post Offices after
you last week. > Washington Critic.
CoRNERING A WITNESS.
Lawyer-You say you don't know
Mrs. Brandreth
Witness-Don't know her from barn
door.
Lawyer-Now, then, do You mean to
tell me if you saw barn door walk in
here and sit down you wouldn't know it /
wasn't Mrs. Brandreth.
A POSTPONED CONFERENCE.
"And had better speak with your
father tonight, dear?" he asked, as he
suddenly continued to hold on to her |
with both arms.
"No, George" she answered from his |
top vest button, "not tonight. It is
nearly u o'clock, and papa has doubt
less gone to bed.
PLEASANT FOR DUMLEY.
"Come up to the house, Dumley,' -
said Robinson, " and take dinner with |
me-"
''Will Mrs. Robinson expect me2'
''No, that's the beauty of it. Her
mother is paying us a long visit, and l |
want to make the old lady mad"
NOT IN BLACK AND WHITE.
Lawyer to Client-"Did he ever
promise in black and white to marry
you?"
"Chent-'Law, no, but he did in blue
and pink, and she produced com
promising letter written in blue ink on
tinted paper.-TGros S3tings.
ADVICE.
'Thrift and economy, my son" said
the old man, care the important Gle
| ments of success in this world. To
gcther they will accomplish wonders.
''Then | hope, father" responded tho
young man earnestly, 'that you will
! practice both for my sake"
GOT IT DOWN FINE.
''What have you to say to the chargel"
asked the Judge.
''The officer was mistaken, your hon
on, wasn't drunk. | never get drunk.
I've got this drinking down fine -
$50 have /, and the fine is ten dollars
| Next!"-AuStjn SUtings.
HE SAW THE DIFFERENCE.
Wife Ito second husband)-Ah,
James, you are SO different from my
first husband!"
Husband-Yes, that's so, when you
come down to the fine point He died
four years ago, and didn't. '-Harper's
| BdzGT.
LIMITED RANGE.
Wife-Oh, doctor, Benjamin seems to
be wandering in his mind
Doctor (who knows Benjamin Don't
trouble about that; he can't go far
It'd Bits.
A YOUNG MONOPOIST.
Mrs. Muldoon-Teddy, me son, You
should divide yer swatemates wild yer
brudder Dinnis and the other byes.
Uo,pv phat ara Won Oi yino nc DO