Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-02-16
A Slim Banquet.

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"Say, my DEAR" whispered Mr..
Spoopendyke, closing the door care
fully and approaching his wife with a
broad grin on his visage. "Say, my
dear, Specklewottle's down stairs in
the parlor. He has come to take
dinner with u.s."
"Great gracious p exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyko, dropping her work, and
bustling up to the glass to arrange
her hair. "What did he come to-day
for? Don't he know it's wash-day p
"He came for dinner" retorted Mr..
Spoopendyke, turning pale around
the lips. "What dye s'pose he came
for, to be washed What's wash-day
got to do with it Think the man
can be soaked in a tub and hung
over a clothes line with a measly
wooden pin sstride the small of his
back 4? Well, he didn't, he came for
grub, and you want to hustle around
and get it pretty lively for him, or I'll
begin to serve up things myself be-
fore long!"
"But, my DEAR" demonstrated Mrs.
Spoopendyke, "there's nothing in the
house! The clothes"
"Then serve up the clothes p roar
ed Mr.. SpoopendYke, who had utterly
forgotten the day of the week when
he invited his friend, and now want
ed his wife to get him out of the
scrape somehow, and at the same time
not let him down with Specklewottle.
"Just put the clothes on a platter and
set 'em before him You can explain
to him that we only eat three times a
week, like a dog in hot weather |!
That'll satisfy him, SO long as he has
the clothes to eat!"
"You don't imagine he would want
to eat the clothes, do your" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke innocently.
"Just try him !" yelled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, enraged at the idea of being
taken literally. "Just try him and
sling in some of the natural grace
you always put on the table "Mr.
Specklewottle, have some of this fric-
aseed petticoat p and Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke held out the leg of his trousers
as woman holds out her skirts, and
waltzed around the room. "Mr.
Specklewottle, have a little of this
poached nightshirtl Now Mr.. Speck-
lewottle, do try one of these fried
socks and a slice of the pillow sham +!
Dear Mr.. Specklewottle, pray let me
help you to piece of this shirt collar
and pair of stuffed cuffs made
them myself, and though they are not
as good as s. that's the way to do
itp continued Mr.. Spoopendyke,
suddenly concluding his remarks with
war whoop, and presenting himself
before his wife all out of breath.
"Think you've got the bill of fare all
right? See your way clear to sue
cessful dinner party now ?"
There's some cold shad down stairs,
and l think there is raw ham down
cellar" ruminated Mrs. Spoopendyke,
regarding her husband with startled
look of inquiry, as if asking if he
thought Specklewottle would mind
the meat being raw and the fish tri-
fe cold. II don't think he has any
thing home on Mondays except cab
bage and beans. Or perhaps he may
have doughnuts and pie" she contin-
ued, hastily, seeing her husband swell
ing with a retort. "And l am sure
doughnuts and pie are good"
That's what he wants I" howled
Mr.. Spoopendyke. Bring forth the
shad that froze to death in the house
of Spoopendyke Develop the meas
ly banquet and let joy be unconfned
Amt ye got any more sense than a
bunghole? Think 1 am going to
bring the aristocracy here to fatten
on dead fish and live hogs! How
long are you going to let that man sit
down stairs in state of starvation
Where's that roast of beef l brought
home the other day ?"
81 think we ate that all up the day
it came home," sighed Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. "Do you mean that roast with
the queer little sticks in it?"
"The same," replied Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, nerving himself for another or
deal "Did we eat the sticksl Am
/ to understand that there is not one
little dodgasted stick left of all that
affluent luxurious mess Lift the
impenetrablc veil of obscurity off the
the secluded bones of the shrinking
sticks" he yelled, as it dawned upon
him that Specklewottle was in the
80 l. T. 4 II |