The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1887-01-06
A THRONE FOR RENT.
Bill Nye Politely Declines the Job OF
King of Bulgaria.

OUry.
GENTLEMEN: Your favor of recent
date regarding my acceptance of the
Bulgarian throne, which is now vacant
and for rent, in which note you tender
me the use of said throne for one year
with the privilege of three, is at hand.
You also state that the allied powers are
not favorable to Prince Nicholas and
that you would all prefer a dark horse.
Looking over the entire list of obscure
men. it would seem you had been unable
to tlx upon a man who has made bet
ter showing in his line than have.
While thank you for this kind offer
of throne that has, as you state. been
newly refitted and refurnished through
out. l must decline it for reasons which
Will try to give in my own rough, un-
polished way.
In the first place / read in the latest
dispatches that Russia is mobilizing
her troops, and do not want anything
to do with country that will treat its
soldiers in that way. Troops have GER
tain rights as well as those who have
sought the pleasanter walks of peace.
That is not all. l do not care to enter
into a squabble in which l am not in
terested. Neither do l care to 90 to Bull
garia in the capacity of carpet-bag
monarch from the ten-cent counter,
wearing a boIler-iron overcoat by day
and stab-proof corset at night. I
have always been in favor OF Bulgaria's
selection of monarch UicG Uoce or Uo1
pOpuLi, which ever you think would
look the best in print
hate to see monarch in hot water
all the time and threatening to addict.
SuppOsing he does addict, what good
will that do, when he leaves n widow
with nothing but secondhand throne
and a crown two sizes too small for his
successor? l have always said. and l
still say, that nothing can be more pitt
full than the sight of lovely queen
whose husband, in wild frenzy of re-
morse, has addicted himself. Nothing,
l repeat, can be sadder than this picture
of n deserted queen, lett high and dry,
without means, forced at last to go to
the pawnbrokers with little plated,
huted crown with rabbit-skin ear tabs
on it!
We are prone to believe that a mon
arch has nothing to do hut issue a
ukase or a mandamus and that he will
then have all tine funds he wants; but
such is not the case. Lots of our most
successful monarchs are liable to be
overtaken any year by a long, cold
winter and found as late as Christmas
reIgning i'll their summer sceptres.
am inclined also to hesitate about
accepting the Bulgarian throne for
another reason-I do not care to be de-
p ,sed when | want to be doing some
thing else. l have had my deposition
taken several times and it did not look
like me either time.
think that you monarchs ought to
stand by each other more. If YOU would
form society of free and Independent
monarchs there in Europe, where you
are so plenty, you could have a good
time and every little while YOU could
raise your salaries if you worked it
right.
Now you pull and haul each other all
the time and keep yourselves in hot
water day and night That's no way
for dynasty any more than any one
else. 1t impairs YOUR usefulness and
fills our telegraphic columns full of
names that we cannot pronounce.
Every little while we have to pay the
operator at this end of the cable ten
dollars for writing in a rapid, flow
ing hand that meanwhile Russia will
continue to disregard the acts of the So
branje"
Why should great country like Rus
sia 60 about trying to make trouble
with a low-priced Sobranje? l think
that closer alliance of crowned heads,
whose interests are identical, would
certainly relieve the monotony of MANY
long, tedious reign. If were to ac-
cept the throne of Bulgaria, which is
not likely, so long as my good right
arm can still jerk fluent cross-cut
saw in tine English tongue. would
form a syndicate of mOnarchs, with
grips, passwords, explanations and
signals; every sceptre would have con-
tralto whistle in the butt end which
could be used as signal of distress,
while the other end could have a cork
in it, and then steering a tottering
dynasty down through the dim vista of
crumbling centuries would not be SO
irksome as it now is.
As it is now, three or four allied
powers ask a man to leave his business
and squat on a cold, hard throne for a
mere pittance, and then just as he be-
gins to let his whiskers grow and learns
to dodge a big porcelain bomb those
same allied powers jump on top of him
all spraddlcd out and ask him for his
deposition. That is no way to treat
an amateur monarch who is trying to
do right.
You see that unless you stand by
each other the thrones of Europe will
soon be empty and every two-dollar-a-
day hotel in America will have an heir
apparently 10 the throne for head
waiter. with cornet put on his clothes
with a rubber stamp, and loaded
sceptre up his sleeve.
If you want to rear your children to
love and respect the monarchy industry
you must afford them better protection.
| say this as a man who may not live
to over 100 years of age, and with my
feet thus settling into the boggy shores
of time let me beg of you monarchs,
and monarchesses, to make your call
ing an honorable one. Teach your
children and their children to respect
the business by which their parents
earned their bread. Show them that
it is honorable to empire country ii
they do it right Teach, them that to
do right is better than to traudulently
turn a jack from the bottom of the
pack. Teach them that it is better to
be a popular straight out-and-oul
partisan king who is sincere about ii
than to be a mugwump monarch who
dares not leave his throne night OF day
for fear that somebody will put a num-
ber of bombs under it or critIcise him
in the papers
would like to empire Bulgaria this
winter first rate if | could get back il
time to remove the counterpane from
my asparagus bed, but it would hardly
paw me to do so. If Nicholas will dc
it. and do it at living rates, l would tel
him to go ahead.
If you furnish reigning tools anC
palace he ought to do it at Sl,2 ;
wear, or say $1,000 and find himself
Yours sincerely, BILL NYE-
500-CO[Lect an ~ Y Word