Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1887-06-30
FOURTH.OF-JULY ADVICE

i FOURTH-oF-JULY ADVICE
r,u.,v s.~~..t,ona for the Smart Young
Men Of the Period
The annual celebration Of the Dec
laration of Independence occurring
soon. few suggestions may not be in
appropriate at this time.
Therefore, my son, let me warn you
against being too inquisitive. To peer
into the muzzle of y gun while your
companion is experimenting upon the
mechanism at the opposite end of the
weapon may be quite praiseworthy in
strictly scientific point of view. but
the practice is likely to be attended by
painful results. That is to say, the re-
suits are sometimes painful; in many
cases the effect is altogether painless,
but they are lasting.
Do not blow into the smoking end OF
fire-cracker. The fire-cracker is lit
tie, but it can blow very much harder
than you.
If you are firing cannon. and wish
to extract the greatest possible amount
Of amusement out of the exercise. in
ducc the person who thumbs the vent
to uncover the hole at the proper mo-
ment, and the effect will be startling.
1t may remove some of your members,
or even yourself; but then. there is the
offset that you will save great deal
of money that would otherwise be ex-
pended upon gloves. and there is the
added possibility that your board and
clothes will cost you nothing hence
forth.
The spirit of 1776, which you have
heard so much about, is not of that
brand obtainablp at the saloon. A
great many persons are not aware of
this fact. or at all events they get the
two varieties so COMPOUNDED that they
make confoundedly bad appearance
and feel confoundedly bad the day
after.
Do not think, because a young lady
acquaintance smiles upon you on this
day of days. that she is desperately in
love with you. Ice-cream and soda
are extremely palatable to the female
taste, and smile is neither exhaust
ing to the purse (the purse of the
smiler) nor detrimental to the physical
system (unless the smiler assimilate
too much of the j. c. and 81.
Of course, you will not go upon the
water in a sail-boat, unless you are
wholly unacquainted with the art of
navigation. If you know nothing
about sailing boat, you will have a
fine time. besides getting nice bath
without the trouble of undressing.
1 should also advise you to eat all
the cakes, peanuts and such other con-
diments as are dispensed by peripatetic
dealers. The proper study Of mankind
is man, and it is, therefore, well TO
know how much ones stomach will
bear.
You will not forget to buy whip.
Why you should buy one. or what
earthly connection there can be be-
tween a ten-cent whip and the Dec
laration of independence l am unable
to say; but as it seems to be the proper
thing to do, don't forget to supply
yourself with whip.
In order to obtain the greatest posi-
bic results from fire-cracker, do n 1t
throw it in the street (unless FESTIVE
horse happens to be passing); but pro
ject it into some house in process of
construction. where shavings are
plentiful. You will be surprised at
the success which will reward your
care and forethought
Before entering a crowd, take the
Remember that while you are enjoying
holiday, there are people who have
to work; and by adopting the advice
offered You can save the light-fingered
gentry no end of trouble.
Drink all the icc-water possible. The
more you drink the more you will
crave it, and every body knows that
there is no greater pleasure in life than
satisfying ones cravings. OF course it
may kill you; but what Of that? There
will be plenty of folks left to carry
OH this worlds business after you have
left it.
Make all the noise You possibly can.
People might forget YOU if you didn't.
You will be much thought of if you
make your environment. hideOus.-
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