St. Paul daily globe., 1887-08-15
THE ARTIFICIAL MOTHER.

| Ohio State Journal.
'.No,v l said, Il can't stand this any
longer. might as well have no wife al
all as to have one who, instead of be.
longing to me, her lawful lord and mas.
| ter, is at the beck and call of sundry
small specimens of humanity, to whose
| remorseless tyranny she yields an obe-
dience as implicit and uncomplaining
as that of the most abject slave"
Nos. s and of our little family had
| arrived together, and, sturdy little fel
lows that they were, had recognized the
situation at glance, had depOSed No.
from her position of supremacy, and had
set up a deSpotiSm over their mother
and the household perhaps the most un-
merciful that had as yet been eXper-
fenced.
1t will be apparent from this prelim-
mary word that | am married man,
sufficiently so the superficial reader
may imagine. But it is precisely my
complaint that, while my opportunities
for the development of my parental
qualities are unsurpassed, my married
life, so far as the society of my wife is
concerned don't amount towel, to the
value of Confederate dollar.
If, going fair shares" with my
progeny, / had been permitted to put in
claim for, say an even tenth of her at
tention, / should have nothing to say.
But these cares OF children pull her to
pieces in small mOuthfuls through the
twenty-four hours between their nine
vOraciOuS selves, without giving me a
chance for even thirty-second nibble.
In giving them their classification in
the animal kingdom, should, think,
place them under the head of "Polly-
pophagi,'' or ''mother devourerS."
was just beginning to console my
self with the thought that before No. l
became old enough to sit up evenings
No. z would learn to go to sleep before
| midnight, when Nos. s and arrived, as
/ said, 'all in heap" and deranged my
calculations. NO" said, for perhaps
the 999th time, as the maternal slave,
after eliminating Nos. and in flood
of disgrace and tears (that gave them
the appearance of compound water
spout, tucking up g. 4 and 5, who were
accidentally good, and turning over to
me the cradles containing 6 and Z, with
injunctions to keep them stirring" !"
rushed to obey the vociferOus calls of
the despots in chief, the two latest AZ
rivalS-''it won't do"
''Polly," l asked, as she returned a
little out of breath, with red-faced ty-
rant on each arm, what do those
(wretcheS | was about to say, but for
tunately checked myself in time) young
gentlemen want?''
'Why, little motherly affection, to
be sure,'' she answered, commencing to
''croOn'' to them in the language pecul-
lar to mothers and babyhoOd. ''They
want me-"
"Bhshv' l reioined. ''They want
merely something soft to touch, a
| swinging motion to addle their brains
| Gf they have any and a mOnOtOnOuS din
in their ears, and they would be just as
well satisfied if these were produced by
steam engine as by their mother. 1t
is all nonsense to talk of babes having
affection. You might as well believe
in their CalviniSm or tranScendentaliSm
or any other product of later life"
Polly, however, was too much alb
sOrbed in the Grooming" process to lis
ten to my insinuatiOns, and the begin
ming of growl in one of the cradles at
| my feet recalled me to my own duty.
But while / worked l pondered. The
word uttered in jest remained in my
mind. "a steam engine?" Yes. Why
not? Or an engine of some kind to per-
form at least this routine labor of keep
ing the young SavageS at rest by keep
ing them in motion. Something steady,
and soft, and swinging, and Grooming"
Pshaw, science has solved worse prob
lens than this. 1t is simply the con-
struction of an artificial mother" The
thing is possible, and it shall be done.
| gave the cradle a kick of malicious
satisfaction that evoked from No. a
roars.of protest.
nD tn hucinncc
l called at the studio of an artist friend
to see new picture, and my eye rested
on lay figure standing gracefully
draped in one corner. 1t flashed across
me that this was just what | wanted,
and i persuaded my friend to spare it to
me for time for some work l myself
had in hand.
l did not want to startle Polly or to
arouse the suspicious of the twins pre-
maturely, so / carried the figure up to a
disused garret and devoted all the spare
hours of the ensuing week to expert
menting upon her. She was, fortunately
for my purpose, of the finest Paris
make, steel springs, and double extra
jOinted. and there was question merely
of applying the inward power (''true
inwardness'0 and the outward appur-
tenanceS.
VIII HOJ NCdll lily Will dill
the details of my laborS. I became so
absorbed in my task that l could hardly
give thought to anything else. My bus
mess suffered, and my wife complained
that my face was getting vacant stare
upon it, and she thought | was spend
ing too many hours at that horrid club.
1t is sufficient to say that after various
Intellectual experiments with steam,
compressed air and electricity | at
length succeeded in placing in the body
of my lay woman clOck-work combina-
ton which, by series of spiral con-
nectiOnS with the head, arms and ShOul-
ders, moved these in a uniform swing,
timed to coincide with that of the rock
ing chair in which | had placed her.
The periOdieity and harmony of the
tiattered myself that there was some
special grace in the upward sweep of
the arms and quite motherly effect to
the downward bend of the head.
But the crOwning triumph of my la
b0rs was the duplex Grooming attach
ment," by means of which was gener-
ated the necessary ''rumble-jumble'
with whose mOnOtOnOuS sounds | was
only too familiar) which came streaming
out of the mouth in an unbrOlken success
sion that nothing but the action of the
''safety-stop valve" could break Off
This part of my mother" cost me
much care and anxiety, for knew that
unless this could be made success all
other excellent qualities would go for
nothing. My mechanical readers will
easily guess the principle of the attach
ment." A series of diminutive organ
tubes were arranged in the chest, the
valves of which worked by elock-springs,
while the sounds were conducted
through larynx delicately constructed
from IA turkeys gizzard to the mouth.
Tho first attempt with the COM
bination produced only series
of unearthly gasps, at the bottom of
which thought detected the ghost of
gObble; but little modification of tile
valves, the treatment of the gizZard with
q NYeai-GnIufion of aonIra Innia x,-itioia