Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-01-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

There is asgreat advantage in dress
ing quietly There is no other occasion
when it IL so essential to be able to hear
g pin drop.
Husband Going to geta hat to-day,
deara. What wiil it bc--a high oneP
Wife-No. dear. shan't go 10 the
theatre much this winter. It'd BITS.
Waiter-I beg your pardon. sir, but
it's / o'clock, sir. Caveley (who haa
lost himself a little) Whatsh is it,
wafer thic). yesterday r t'morrer?-
Iid-BitS.
Mrs. Grundy says Sunday always
swelis the arrivals at the hotels This
probably does not refer to their heads.
1t is the product OF the bar that does
that-Boston Transcript.
: Joseph Wiener has presented to New
York city bust Of Washington Irving
modelled by the sculptor Beer. Wiener
and Beer ought TO be able TO get up an
eniinently satisfactory bust.
Female voters in Vermont are re-
CURED to own $3.50 worth of property.
That's easy. enough. "A scalskin sack
and one pair of silk siockings viii
about average it Boston Herald
Fortune hunter Now, darling. say
yesor no. I've only fifteen minutes in
which to catch the train, Heiress-
Better catch your train, then. You are
not going 70 catch me. II Boston Courier.
A gospel hymn" sung by the Saliva
ton Army in Chicago has for its re-
frain Happy as Whale We didn't
suppose whale was happy. Theresis
so much "blubber'' about it.-NorrtS-
tot0n Herald.
what is a hcro?'' asks an exchange.
A hero is man who can pass a.crowd
of boys engaged in making snowballs
without turning his head TO make sure
that they have no design on him.--Eeso
Ha0en Neus.
An observant youngster at Michael
Strogoff" the first night created quite o
laugh by remarking when the premier
danseuse. Signorini Gossi, appeared:
Mamma, is she going in the bath
tubp" Reading Herald.
The photographs of 'cigaretmakcrs"
on exhibition in our cigar-store windows
show conclusiycly that to make these
little lung-testers they are required to
show what kind of shoes and stockings
they wear.-Nelo HareR Ne,Os
English milliners are said to have
discovered way of making bonnets OF
tissue paper so that the bonnet will nos
cost over 10 cents IL this is true,
young men can begin to marry on
ordinary salaries. Burlington Free
Press.
When Londoncr in New York re-
marked to AN American, you have no
leisure class here his attention was
Immediately called 10 a number of
female servants who were enjoying
their usual afternoon out NorrtStos0g
Herald
Three months ago New York mes
scnger-boy was sent to carry $500 to a
place several blocks away. and rs he
had not cot there be was arrested few
DAYS ago. This is shame; they ought
to have given him time -Aea0 Haven
Nelcs
One lady meets another, who has Just
lost her father, promenading Fifth
avenue, dressed in colors. What?
distant relative?" Your father q
distant relative?' Certainly; he lived
in Chicago. - lid-Rtt
When native New Zealander pro.
poses 10 damsel of the tribe they rub
their noses together. If that were the
rule in this country, the heroine CT the
usual niultplicate engagements would
need 10 wear thumbstail on her nose.
--Sqg Francisco Attd.
why do the hoaihcn rnge?9 said
the minister 70 his congregation. a
Montana man who Was Gozlng in his
scat walIrned up enough to snort out:
"Probab bly, that burned agent has been
putting rather Too much water III the
reservation whisky. Ke9kuE Gate
City
The funeral was ever, and few per-
sonal friends were taking dinner with
the bereaved widow. Mont you
have some more of the roast beef, Mr..
Smithe" she asked Thanks" he re-
piled; Il believe will. The ride 10 the
grave and back has given me qui.c an
appetite. IN T. SHa
'Dockder." he said casually to
physician whom he met on the street,
i've god a bad cod in my he'd. Whad
would you advise me to do?" And the
doctor, who doesn't give somalhing for
nothing when he can help il, replied:
81 would advise you 10 buy "a dozen
pocket handkerchief and then consult
q physician. w T. SIN.
Iife-insurance noent (tiIIino ont an.
plication) Your general health is good,
is it not2 Applicant Never had a sick
day in my life. Agept--Un. You do
not contemplate entering upon any
hazardous undertaking. | SUPPOSED
Applicant Well, yes" I'm afraid do
! am going TO get married next We'd
nesday. LoUelt Citizen.
Lotto Litewaite Amelia, just
Think Amy BIlfkins is married"
Amelia Bagloy DO know her. dear?"
'Do you - why, Amelia. don't you
remember ut Vassar how. yoil---"
20. yes; that was the little girl to whom
Vowed eternal friendship. That ac-
counts for my not remembering her,
ihaade'phla eau.
Champoireau was dining few
friends When dessert was oplaced on
the table all his guests joined in COM
plimenting him on the excellence OF
his wine. "Aud yet" cried Nine. c.,
intent on maintaining the family
reputation for biund"ring. do you
know that we have by no means
given you the best we have?' French
Fun. -
MAY ask you TO drink q glass of
wine with me, sir?a said a polite youth
TO au elderly stranger. Young man.
was the solemn reply, II never drink
wine 81 beg your pardon, sir, y
said the young man, somewhat abashed,
IL But, went on the elderly
stranger, n wouldn't mind a little old
Tom gin with q dash of bitters in it. =
NJ y. san.
Country editor (to brother cditor)--
"Ah! good morning, Brother Shears;
glad to see you; and how are things up
at PigvilIe?' Brother Shears ''Flour-
ishing just at present; but last month
we had the hog cholera pretty bad.f
Country editor ppm sorry to hear
that; but you are looking well now,
Brother Shears. "-MedicGl and Sttrgi-
cal Reporter.
Gentleman ito wife. after leaving
restaurant The waiter seemed very
grateful for the liberal tip gave him.
Wife (sen;eniiously)-Yery. Gentle
man-Did you oyerhcar " hat lie Whis-