Morris tribune., 1887-01-26
THE FISHERIES QUESTION.
THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT LIKELY
TO SETTLE THE coNTRovEP,<-'s%e2.
The Minister of Marine

y
r.range and inconceivable reason
mich urges ME to this insane course
am going to marry in order not to
be alone.
l do not know how to tell ft%~now
TO make myself understood. You will
pity me and you will ,iespise me when
YOU knew in what wretched state of
mind am.
Go not want to be alone any more
AT night. 1want 20 feel some being
near, close to nse, being that can
.speak,sav somaShing.Eo matter what.
want to De able to rouse that be-
ing from sleep, to be able to ask that
being any question suddenly-even q
stupid question, so that | can feel my
dwelling is inhabited-so that | can
know that q mind is awake, that q
reasoning power is at work-so that,
II l suddenly hight nay candle can see
a human face beside me-because-
becznse chow can dare avow my
shame?) because am afraid when l
am by myself.
oh. YOU do not yet comprehend rae
SIN not afraid of any danger. If
man were to come in would kill him
without a shudder. have no fear OF
ghosts do not believe i'll the super
natural an not afraid of the dead;
believe in total annihilation ofevery
Alum*n being that passes away.
TSnen. Yes. Then. Well am
afraid of myself! | am afraid of be-
ing afraid; afraid ofthe mental spaSms
that are driving me mad; afraid ofthe
horrible sense OF incomprehensible
terror.
Laugh if you please! 1t is hideous;
it is incurable. [ am afraid OF the
walls, OF the furniture OF familiar CD
.5ects which seem to me to Become ami
mated with = sort of animal life. |
Above all am afraid Of the horrible |
confusion OF my mind. the confusion
sG<Hly reason which goes from me, all be- |
{osGed, dissipated by some mysterious |
and mex plicable anguish.
First, l feel g vague disquiet that !
passes into my mind and makes all |
my flesh creep. | look around me. |
Nothing, And l feel need OF some
thing, Of what? Something iucom- !
prehensibIe. Then l become afraid,
simply because l cannot comprehend |
my fear
pie - - peak! l am frightened by my
should voice, Then am frightened by
thew Unknown which is behind the
,eriousr, or Behind the curtain, or inside |
The armOjr, or under the bed. And
nevertheless l know perfectly well
&hnre Is really nothing in any of those
places.
turn ~cund suddenly because I am
afraid q what is behind me, although
there IS really nothing behind me, al,
Shetl5h l know it,
i become nervous, | feel the scare
growing upon me; and | lock myself
into my room, and bury myself in my
bed, and | hide myself under my bed
clothes; and covering there, gathering
myself up like a ball, l shut my eyes
III desperation, and thus remain tor a
seemingly infinite length of time, OBJ
pressed by the thought that my candle |
Is still burning on the little table be- !
side the bed, and that should really |
blow it out. And dare not!
Is it not frightful to be IN such a
coalition?
There was q time when | never felt |
that way. I used to 60 home feeling
calm. i'went out and came in with
Fy0f1 S,IT>
of nay mind. II | had been told
wss.t i stupid and terrible disease OF
Fear-~of Incredible fear-would come
upon me in after days, certainly
would have laughed, | used to open
the doors in the dark with perfect cch.
tidence; | used TO make my prepara-
tiOns for going to bed quietly, without
even boiling myself in, and I never
thought Of getting up in the middle q,
the night TO see if all the entrances to
my room were strongly secured.
The trouble began last Year in a
singular way
1t was VI autumn, on a certain damp
evening. When my housekeeDer had
taken her departure, after Ihad dined,
] asked myself what l was going to
do. For some time l walked up and
down my own room, I felt myself
weary, unreasonably depressed, inca
pable OF doing any work, lacking even
the mental force to read. A fine rain
was moisteninC the window panes; /
was melancholy, ali permeateIi by one
OF those Causeless attacks of despon-
dency which make you feel inclined to
cry-whlc1 faattke a man want to talk
20 some1sfuy or anybody in order to
shake of the weight OF ones own fan
cies.>
- felt lonesome. Never before did nv
dwelling seem to me so empty. An
infinite and heart sict,ehing solitude
surrounded me. What was l to do?
[ sat down. Then a nervous impa-
thence seemed to pass into my legs. |
got up and began to walk again. Per
haps l was a little feverish for my
hands clasped behind my back, as
ONES hands often are when one walks
about leisurely, seemed to burn one
another where they touched, and ! no.
elced 1t. Then a sudden cold shiver
ran down my back. thought that
che outside dampness was entering
the room, and the idea occurred to
me that it would be we'll to
light fire. l lit it; it was the
first of the year. And l sat down
once more, watching the flame. But
soon the impossibility OF remaining {
quiet in any one position forced me
to get up again, and Ifelt that j would
have TO go out somewhere to stir my
self, to find q friend.
l went out. First | visited the
houses Of three different friends, no {
one of whom was at home; then went
on the boulevard, resolved to find some 6
acquaintance or other. I
1t was dismal everywhere. The wet
sidewalks were shining. A watery I
lukewarmness-one of those luke {
warmnesses which nevertheless chill s
you with sudden shivers, the weigfrty
lukewarmness OF impalpabie rain t
seemed to bear down over the whola {