Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-02-03
ARTEMUs WARD.
The Humorist's Trip Through the west
How He BulIdozed Q Fellow Passenger.

When Artemus Ward left 1.-THE states
for the purpose of capturing the Nor
mons. or being captured by them, hs
had for fellow-passenger on the stage
q man from the east, who had beer
over the overland route once. and who
felt that it was his duty TO lengthen
many weary hour for the meditative
and sensitive humorist by unbosomino
himself OF what he knew OF the country
and other paraphernalia of the west.
When they got pretty well out and
Artemus was still alive, the talking
passenger remarked, pointing out Of the
stage window:
These arc the great western plains
you read about?n
THE great plains?" said Ward,
waking up and looking out why,
where are the towering mountains, the
snow-cappcd peaks, and the foothills
which adorn thempn
mo mountains ever adorned the
plains" said his friend. They are on
a dead level"
'Well, now" said Artemus, II must
have read of these somewhere long ago,
in connection with the plains. In some
dime novel, think. And to think of
it, what great changes have taken
place in this section. The terrible
winds Of late years have completely
leveled this country till there isn't q
mountain in sight, nor tree to climb
up and feast your eyes on. There has
been q great Change great change.
These plains are not even rolling or I'M
dulating, as they once were. but how
they ever got them to stop rolling or
undularing is something that puzzles
me. but they can do anything here in
this great west. Yet where are the
butaloes that used to go buffsloing, and
the antelopes that went anteloping
across these plains?"
''They have been ruthlessly killed of
for their skins" was the answer.
''Ah. yes; alb, yes; Iref1ect now, The
buffalo robe has gone to make the seal
skin sacque of the effetc and shivering
east, worn very late and very early in
the season, the symbol of metropolitan
extravaganza; also. TO furnish the wal
rus overcoat, or TO collar and cuff the
overcoat of the imminent theatrical
manager. or 10 warm the star whose
scintillations, although they serve TO
occasionally warm the audience, leave
him cold and shiyering when the play
is over. All, yes, the buffalo robe! |
own an imitation cue. And out here is
where they grew? l have heard that
the hunters used to steal the robe from
the buffalo with as little conjunction rs
they would take one out of my sleigh,
and let its shorn owner gallop of. sing
ing in the language OF Robespierre:
The knife of the hunter my robe hath torn,
To the western shore we travel shorn.
But are all the bisons gone from their
ancient domains?"
There are very few left; hardly
enough to supply the market for jerked
meat"
'Jerkcd buffalo meatp Yea, YES.
remember l had some for lunch in
Kansas City after a lecture. It's tough.
You fasten your teeth on it. get q good
grip with both hands. and jerk when
you don't get bite. know it. have
no sympathy fey the buffalo. It is a
tough road he travels. and he deserves
it. But see; ther. goes band of noble
Indians on the warpathn'
''Oh, no. Those are COWBOYS
Yes. now | sec. A band OF noble
cowboys on the cowpath. But are there
no Indian residents OF these plains left
around here?'
They're about all gone west, or
dead"
That's just what said long ago.
If it kept on that way there would not
be u noble red man left, nor right.
never did uphold this promiscuous
Strengthening OF Indians in dispatches OF
orr frontier commanders. / always
thought they killed too many, on paper.
unnecessarily. and that it was not only
disastrous to, ths Indians, but 1t was
disgraccful 10 be killed in such vast
numbers with ink, but we have enough
of them to spare. Then, look at the
number of indians it takes to supply the
authors of the weekly dime novels sent
to the happy hunting grounds before
they know it or are prepared for it, |
said long since that ut the rate the
sanguinary authors were Strengthening
them. in few years time they would
have TO go back into the past for
enough Piutes TO stock two chapters of
a border tale. However. in expeditions
after hostile tribes | have always adj
vocated the policy of taking one Indian
romance writer along 10 put him at the
front, aud the demand would soon ex-
haust the supply, and save the lives of
our precious soldiers. Still, a sigh
grabs me when | think how the abo-
rigine is being driven toward the set
ting sun, and | wonder what will hap
pen when he is driven into it." And
Artomus wiped an imaginary tear out
of his imaginary eye with nearly an inn
aginary handkerchief.
After reflective pause the now SUBJ
ducd passenger said:
This is the great west"
Yes, said Artemus. 1.-The great west
out here gets pretty far west. more west
than it has ever been in its life, and
yearly moro so.
"Westwari the course of empire holds Its
way.
never was in section where the
country was more numerous and stretch
ed out on the Indian rubber plan, As 1t
were. There is more of it to the square
mile than ever saw before. | observe
that on these plains the eye can see as
idI us IL Gail TedCu, anu Lueu IL mas 10
sit down. exhausted, to rest before it
can continue its excursion further away.
Distance is all knocked cndways here.
Now you observe those elks over there"
''Elks! Those are Texas cattle"
81 should have said Texas cattle.
They only seem half a mile away, but
il was sent out to reach them / would
be two miles away in no time. A mile
is nowhere here. Everything is bound
less. You buy claim out here and it
is also boundless. Next thing YOU know
you have half of all your neighbors'
claims. OF course you'll fight little
over it. Every foot of these plains has
been hallowed by the pen OF Emerson
Bennett Now there is your beautiful
prairie flower; there is"
That's jimson weed"
Il mean the one right by IT."
That's prairie thistle
well, what | mean to say is that |
am going to sleep. Good day. DE
troH Free Press.