Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-07-07
sQUIBS.

bell has evidently mistaken her calling.
When Emerson said ''hitch your wagon
to STAR die he mean to marry an &C
tress.
Even fishermen who wouldn't steal are
always ready to hook something if they
get a chance.
A Vassar girl being asked by her teach
er what kind of a noun kiss was, replied
with blush that it was both proper and
common.
A new style of hose has been imported
in which there is a receptacle for each
toe. The agricultural papers note this
as a new corn cultivator.
A young man is apt to stammer and
stutter when Is declares his passion.
Sometimes the plying girl helps him
out, and sometimes it is her pitiless
father.
Down south they eat pepper on water
melon. Up north they sometimes mix
cayenne pepper with the mustard to
warm up the plaster after eating water
melon.
A distinguished physician has discover
ed that the gall sf rattlesnake will cure
it's bite. From this we infer that the
rattlesnake has almost as much gall as d
book agent.
Some of tho old almanac Jokes, born
nobody knows when, are going the
rounds of the press, and are as good
an illustration of perpetual motion as we
have.
The spectacle of Boston spending
$1,000 a day for flowers for Kapiolani,
while Boston's own Ben Butler has to
raise his own vioiets, will never, let us
hope, be repeated.
London journal thinks that 'men are
not helped by books" but we can recall
number of men who would not have
amounted to much if it had not been for
their fathers pocket books.
do you know what you are making?"
asked moralist of a boy, whom he
caught playing cards. "You are making
a dishonest man." "No, amt; / am
making hearts trumps, was the encourag
ing response.
Anybody can live happily with an
eighth wife, or seventh wife, for that
matter. Statistics show very few failures
of perfect bliss with wives beyond the
fifth. 1t is with the first and second that
most failures occur.
''How is it that I find you in prison, m y
man?" 1t was mistake, sir, that brought
me here-indeed. I might say blunder."
''How so?" 81 only stole $1,000, when
could just as easily have taken $4,000"
Antiquarians will read with deep inter
est the announcement of a forthcoming
article in the American Magazine, entitl-
ed Literary Life in Philadelphia" Peo-
pie with sense of humor will look for
it with an even greater sense OF interest.
IF those fellows who have made their
fortunes in wheat at Chicago will kind
ly retire now, and those that lost them go
to work in grist mill, perhaps the rest
of us can save enough on our -four to af-
ford butter instead of oleomargarine on
our bread.
:'Why SO silent, George?' she asked.
Il just saw shooting star and didn't
want to speak until / wished something"
he said.
'You're just as mean as you can be-!
Why did you not tell me and then we
could both have wished together.
''Why do women get bald?" asks an ex-
change. 1t seems to US that any one
ought to be able to answer that; it's be-
cause they don't have wives.
We live in land of statesmen. Every
four years and at times between whites
there is the smell of the postoftice in the
air and the low sweet sound of the con-
sulate is heard in the distance. We see
the shadowy forms of United States
marshals yet to be, and out of the
dreamy gates of the impossible drifts
the sad procession of never be su-
preme judges. Ours is dear and fav-
ored land for the fellows who don't get
left.
Mr.. -, the New Orleans banker, is
almost as much in New York as in his
tropical home. He is a fluent converse
tionalist, and is fond of Latin One even
ing, at the Hoffman house, he was missed
from the parlsr, where a gay party of
southerners were making merry. "Where
have you been, Mr.. ~" asked a young
lady when he returned. "Oh, just outside
in the cupsidor. walking pro and CON-" he
replied. He was once deeply offended at
covert snee1 in a Washington paper"
why" said he, "this is catamount to
calling me fool"
Advice to young ladies about to gradu-
ate: Be just as sweet as you can. The
man who doesn't like to look upon sweet
girl graduate is a villain-or married.
Tie your essay with a blue ribbon, and be
practical in the choice of q subject. We
suggest "The Coming Man." Advice to
young men about to graduate: Don't
mind the newspapers. Whoop her up for
all you're worth on the commencement
stage about "The Scholar in Politics."
''The Ideal Republic and the political
Destiny of Patagonia" About five years
from now read your creation over to
yourself slowly.
Before spanking wholesale breeze
The yacht gldes DER the sunlt seas;
The skipper. si.enr, grim,
Walks to and fro upon the deck
Until he shining Speck
Upon the horizons brm.
Bring up glass, !" the skipper cries.
The ships boy to the cabin flies
The locker searches through.
Then lightly 10 the deck he springs,
And to the waiting skipper brings
A glass, and bottle toe.
A SCORCHER IN CHICAGO.