Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1887-01-13
WIT AND HUMOR.
A phantom hop, seems thin thing for

Society Is improving IN the far west.
In many sections il has become unfash-
ionable to dance in rubber boots.
An Indiana female child has been
born without a mouth. That child il
she lives will never die an old maid.
Mamma" asked little Carrie one
day, 'can you tell me what part of
heaven people live In who are good but
not agreeablep'
A Brooklyn judge has decided that a
man is not justified in kissing lady
against her wishes-in other words. if
there is anybody looking.
"The scold waves are very trying"
said man to his wife this morning
when she raided him for not building
the fire. - Washington Critic.
A Chicago clergyman asks Can
man be Christian and Mt the same
time successful Businessman Hc
can If he advertises largely. Pack.
1t is now quite currently reported that
the deep, mysterious secret in the Will
son-Moen case is that Wilson has dis
covered whether il was the LADY or
the Tiger"
"Hullo, Mike! | hear yer on strike"
80 am. | struck for fewer hours"
''Did you succeed" Indeed / did.
I'm not working at all now" - PhtId-
detphtG Cal.
Patrick, you told me you needed the
alcohol to clean the mirrors with. and
hero find you drinking IT," "Faix.
mum, it's drinkin it and brathing on
the glass Dim dom. life
An Ohio girl says that she has had
nincty-nine offers Of marriage within
two years. She is probably after the
other one that strayed from the fold. rs
Mr.. Sankey used to sing for us. --BoS-
.on Post,
Mrs. Bigsby My husband Just de-
tests cabbage. Why do you suppose he
is so prejudiced against It. Mrs. Blob
son--I imagine he takes too much of ii
in his cigars. my dear. burlington
Free Press.
II was reported a few days ago that a
wild girl had been captured in Idaho,
but later Investigations show that sho
is perfectly sane. The fact that she
didn't wear hustle led folks to believe
she was wild.
Fogg has conceived the idea that the
| original Tower of Babel was q bonnet.
This shows, therefore, il he is not astray,
that the fair sex had begun to make
themselves obnoxious at very early
era. - Boston Transcript.
'Liberty's boss, remarked slaugy
| New York girl who was praising the
statue to q Washington girl. "Yes"
replied the Washington girl, who had
been to the races occasionally herself.
20, yes, dark bay boss.
"When New-Yorkers, says writer,
.'become too scientific aud literary, they
are apt TO become, at the same time, too
irreligious" AT this distance it looks
as if the New-Yorkers were becoming
too scientific and literary. NOrriSt0wD
| Herald.
1.-THE shades of night were falling
fast" read the teacher; ''what does that
mean?" And the smart bad boy reck-
oned 1.-THE women were pullin' down
the blinds" for which he got ten min
utes in the merry birch woods. Brook
| Ign Eagle.
Miss dc Jauns is very self-possess-
ed young lady, isn't sheP' remarked
Jackson. YES, she ought TO be-" re-
piled Dickson. why SOP" Because
| have asked her to be mine three times
and she said mo- each time. '-Mcr-
chant 7raUeler.
"What luck did you have, dear9'
asked his wife as he returned home from
! a DAYS fishing. splendid he said
| ''iust look nj them. Opening his bas-
ket he displayed a lot Of sausages, The
butcher had mixed those baskets up
| NJ Y SuY.
1t is stated that If 32,000,000 women
should clasp hands they could reach
around the globe. Yes but you could
not get them 10 do it, as some women
would decline to hold another hand on
the ground that it was terribly rough
Net0 HaUen NetOs.
An excited English speaker recently
perpelrated the bull: "Sir, she was man
enough TO resist Russia" and another
| leader said: the voice OF England,
which sounded so clearly at the last
general election, would not be lost sight
of. "--Parts Ne'os.
After The clerk had pulled down ey-
I erything in the store without satisfying
| his customer, woman. she asked him
If there was anything else he had not
shown her. Yes. ma'am," he said.
''the cellar; but if you wish it | will
have that brought mp and shown to
you. "-LoUcH Citizen.
you know | am about to marry
| Mile X. She is impossbly ugly, ] adj
J Al. % II x
francs. shall simply wed her with
my ewes shut" YES my dear fellow
and you will do well never to open them
again. "-French Fun.
Young man, said the stern parent
to the applicant for his daughters
hand, care you sure you can support
family?' III wasn't m-maklng any
calculations on that" stammered the
young man; II only want the girl, you
know. Pttsburg Dispatch.
Ethel (reading)-A brute Of Mem
phis man recently enticed a young heir
ess into the house Of blind clergyman
and Mt the point OF pistol compelled
her 10 marry him. Maud (who has
been reading the London Court jour
naD How delightfully."- English
1t is next to impossible for man TO
teach a girl TO whistle When she gets
her lips properly puckered she looks 50
bewtchingly tempting that he loses bis
head and kisses her, and tho conse-
quence is she doesn't have chance to
blow note 49, Cambridge ChroaIele.
Mrs. Maloney's boy Of years was
| beating the cat with rolling-pin.
Tears Of pride came into her eyes as
she murmured. Poor darlin' you
mako me reminder yer father that's
dead an gone, as be was when be was
list appointed on the force vi oWeH
| Citizen.
Miss Clara with sigh DO you
know, Mr.. Featherly, that for some I'M
known reason feel very blue tonight
Mr.. Featherly (anxious 70 say the prop
er thing. but somewhat at loss)
-er-Miss Clara, blue, you know. ~
very becoming TO your complexion
HarPer's Bazar
Reginald, dearest. father has at last
| told me that We may DO married early
in January" "What has changed ms
mind?' 'Some benevolent friend sent
him fashion paper which says that II
is no longer in good form for the father
/ 10 give a check TO the bride at the wed
ding. "-BoSton Record.
A machine has been invented which
will sew on buttons as fast as seven
girls could do the work, but when u