The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-08-20
Written for The ArkdnsdW Traueler. THE SAD STORY OF PHILANDER JONES AND CLEMEN-
 TINA SMART.
A Ballad With a Moral.
BY HAL BERTE.

A Ballad With a Moral.
 BY HAL BERTE. The hero of this touching tale of amatory woe Is-tell him not told it you, or surely blood Philander Jones, of-never mind, I'll call it Timbuctoo, To give you his correct address would never, never do. A year ago-it must be that-I'll say so, any P. Jones was not the awful size that P. Jones is just now. So far from weighing twenty stone, he turned And people called him whereabouts the thin nest man alive. A year ago change came OCT the spirit of his It came, of course, with womankind, the primal cause of strife, A single man till then he'd been, both happy and content, woman came upon the scene and then his quiet went. And such one, widow dame of most terrific size, With chubby cheeks, and yellow hair, and lit He fell in love, did poor P Jones, he lost his tender heart, A victim to the piggy eyes of Clementina Smart. Anon, P. Jones declared his love; her answer you may guess, The usual blush, little sigh, a shiver and a "Y Tees" They billed and cooed awhile and then dis cussed their future plans, And ended in the usual way by putting up the banns When people heard the startling news, they thought it very bum, That one so fat and one so thin to such state should come. Inn thnV aniI Xgn too shocking quite, Affection so misplaced as that, was very far from right. Now when the unsuspecting pair got wind of what was said, It so upset the Widow smart she vowed she wouldn't wed Unless F. Jones would undertake to fatten upa bit And do his best to make himself In polnt or size more fit. But P. Jones who fell in with this, not wish Said he considered quite as much was due to him from her. If she would meet him just hail way, he wouldn't kick at that, He thought she'd be more comfortable with half her share of fat. She pondered it within her mind, and finally agreed To sacrifice one half her fat to meet the pres. ent need. That settled it, and from that hour they boldly waded in, He tried his best to get more fat and she to get more thin He fed himself on cattle food and ate the fat, test meat, He took no exercise at all, did nothing else but eat, While she-she walked about all day and climbed the highest hills, Half starved herself, took "anti-fat" and divers kind of pills. At last, oh, day of looked for joy, these meas
 ures bore their fruits; F. Jones began a swelling out head down
 wards to his boots And Widow Smart, with rapture now beheld
 her stoutness flee Until no woman thereabout was thinner built
 than she. When r. Jones reached a certain point he
 deemed it wise to stay; He did not want to go beyond the self-agreed
 halfway. The same of course with Widow smart, her
 object was attained, The way was clear, the bar removed and moth
 ing else remained. Forthwith he dropped his fattening food and
 rested from his greed, Forthwith she dropped her exercise and took
 her wonted iced. But horrorl ne'er a bit he stopped, but stouter
 grew each day, And she, alasl do what she would, the more
 she shrunk away. AHalrS Mtu HOW grown ucSperutc, tHe Ieaturcs
 were reversed, In point of fact they found themselves as bad
 of as at first; The only difference he was fat whs used to
 be so lean, And she W who used to be so broad was every
 bit as keen. What could they do? What did they do? An
 reader, if knew, don't, and so it's very plain, can't enlighter
 you. Let's leave them in their sorry plght-tht
 moral pretty clear Don't try on tricks with Nature for it's sure
 to cost you dear. HoDDEsDON, HERTs, ENGLAND.