News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-03-17

L
"Why, what upset your calculations
so9'
"Well, you would i sist on going
sleighing and had to hire the rigs or
see you with some other fellow
/ Omadas World.
| REGULATED.
Mrs Purkset (nee Gamb) Please sir,
I want one o. them -um-things, yer
know, sir, as reggyl ties the the eat of
a room.
Chemist--Thermometer, you mean,
ma am, suppose?
| Mrs. P. eagerly y)-Yes, sir, that's it,
sir. And if you Il be s. kind, sir, to set
it to sixty five, cause that's what the
doctor says I'm to keep the room at. -
| Punch.
She-It was awfully mean of you to go
to the theatre without me.
He oh, we'll, it is just the same as If
we both went; we are one, you know.
Two days later.
He-This house is enough to freeze
one, Agnes. Didn't you order tn coal?
She No, darling; l bought this seal
skin sacque instead. But l am warm.
and we are one, you Knoxville.
TO SWEAR.
Tramp-Say, sis is your pop editor
of the Bugtown Clarion?
Sis-That's what they call him IN
tn sc parts.
Tramp-Well, jes' ask him if he don't
want to hire an experienced man jest off
New York daily to swear to the cir
culation.-Judge.
THE JUDGE WAS NO JOKER.
Police Magistrate at the bar,
have you any children
Prisoner-No, Your Honor.
p. M.-Why not
Prisoner-Well, 1 am not married.
P. NJ (who hates a giggle at his ex-
pense)-That's very fortunate for your
wife. Boston Beacon.
HER ECONOMY.
Husband 1t is kind of you to remem-
Der me on my birthday, but had con-
cluded to stop smoking on the score of
economy.
Wife-Oh, these are not expensive,
nv dear l bought them at seventy
five cents a hundred. d.-AatStin Sif, ,ings.
AN APT QUESTION.
s'Do you know why girl is called
belle?" asked Harlem girl of her bash
full lover.
mo; can't imagine" was the reply.
''Because it is proper to ring her"
Invitations will be out next week.
MAN WANTS.
Man wants but little here below
OF wealth bright golden calf;
But when he gets the horns and heels
He wants the other half.
-G0rham M0ltntGineer.
MYSTERIES OF THE TOILET.
sHere's yo' collah, Mither Hopkinth,
en- my NAH say she'd like dat foh cents
fer dat var collah she done wash las
week fer de big ball. '-Bazar.
ODDS AND ENDS.
Do not chute until the toboggan is
loaded
THERE are people who will buy any
thing on sight if they can be allowed to
pay for it on time.
THERE is nothing so sightless as the
official eye of policeman that has been
closed by drink.
IT is strange that poverty bears up so
well, considering there are so many
people struggling with it.
ALL those people who "want the
earth" will have to be contented at last
with hole in the ground.
Chow do you like your new boarding
house ?" "Not tall; everything about
it is light except the bread and the
cake.
"IF MI fortune overtakes you, SMILE"
advises poet. That's all well enough,
but supposing misfortune overtakes you
in a strictly prohibit IN town
TRUST him little wi praises all; him
less who censures all, and him less who
is Indifferent to ALL In fact, don't trust
anybody if you can get ready money.
GOLD in small quantities has been
found at San Diego. 1t is suspected
t at the wife of an editor has gone
through her husbands trousers pockets.
THERE are at least thousand politi-
clans in Washington who can guess how
that wicked San Francisco man felt
when his own internal machine went off
in his hands.
"CHEsrNUTs 2" yelled several persons
in tie gallery at the minstrel show
"That's right, gentlemen responded
Bones. "If you don't get what you
want, ask for it..
Mrs. WoBCEsTER-'Yes, our boy used
to have regular fits. But he got over all
that. Mrs. Shooster-" How 2" Mrs.
Worcester We get his things in a
ready made clothing store"
"DoEs your husband still call you pet
names 2n one married lady asked an
other. "Well, not quite. When we
were first married he used to call me a
kitten, now / calls me old cat"
HE-I beg your pardon, Miss, but l
don't admire your last name. She
Good heavens, man, haven't 1 done
everything in my power TO change it
Must knock a man down with club.
"WHo is the god of battles" asked a
teacher of class in mythology. "War,
answered little 10 nnie Henpeck.
"Mars, you mean, Johnnie" corrected
the teacher "No, don't, neither.
only got one mar"
IN China man never sees his wife
until he is welded to her for life.
Chinese courtships must be very mex
penslve affairs, but contain no more fun
than walking two miles home from
oIoDa ON darlx and roinU nimbt