davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
RELIGIOUS,

Pews both in Trinity and Grace church,
New York, are to be free when the present
rentals expire.
There is to be a Scotch Presbyterian church
In Boston in which the services will be con.
| Quoted IN Gaelic.
The largest parishes in the Lutheran
church are to be found in central Russia.
One OF these numbers 800 villages, and COM
prises So, 600 souls.
The remarkable statement is made that out
years Of age in Milwaukee only 53l are in
English-speaking Protestant churches, and
26S attend prayermeetings.
1t is proposed to erect monument to Rob-
srt the founder Of the rst Sunday
be about ten thousand dollars, to be raised
by subscriptions from Sunday school schol-
arS
The Union Theological school at Toxic,
Japan, supported by all the evangelical
lecturers in as many different departments,
two of whom, Messrs. Ibuka aud Ogimi, are
natives.
The Methodist church added to her men,
church south records gain of about seventy
five thousand. This Is gain to the former
of about per cent of her membership, and
to the latter over per cent.
The rumor that DIR. Parker, of London.
will deliver eulogy of Henry. Ward
Beecher at Plymouth. church on June "a,
and preach several times there was un-
founded. DIR. Parker will not be heard here
in public until he begins his regular course of
lectures.
Rev. l.. Lloyd, of the Church of England,
who has been laboring in Fuh Chow since
1876. states that the 1,GO0 converts whom he
found on going to Fuh Chow have been in.
creased to grand total Of 6,0OU and of these
thousand.
Children's day In the Presbyterian church
will be observed this year OH June l2. Last
year a Thousand Presbyterian Sunday schools
this year it will be, obs erved by tine entire
600 schools of the church with their aggre-
gate of 100000 of teachers and scholars.
It's estimated that over five hundred thou
sand dollars will be at the disposal of the
Queathed by the late John n. George for the
establishment of boarding school, to be 10
Gated in eastern Pennsylvania, and to re-
ceive children of Friends and such others as
committee OF the Yearly meeting may de-
eide proper.
During the reign of Queen Victoria there
have been erected 800 buildings for worship
in the Church of England, as against 5000 by
all other religious conmunions put together.
home and sixty-two in the colonies. Within
the last half of her reign, eSl, 600 900 has been
voluntarily subscribed for church purposes,
and f2s 100000 IN elementary education in
The young assistant minister of Fifth
avenue church in New York Is reported to
have made his way into great social favor by
making the influential women in his congre-
cation believe they had suggested the best
points i'm his discourses. In making pas
toral call he would declare one of his hostess
remarks admirable and beg leave to use 1t
the next Sunday, He would then introduce
an embelllshed form OF the remark, intro
ducing it with zone of the brightest minds
know" or From beautiful source comes
the idea."
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
IMPlETlES.

MAMMA" said small boy the other day.
''dO little boy angels wear shoes and stocking
they 20 barefooted?' 'Yes. "'"And do they
stay out after sundown?" II presume so,'
"Well, don't the stars tickle their feet when
they twinkle?" The fond mother was non
pulsed.
A teacher in Sunday school, wishing to
impress his class with the necessity OF faith
asked the class why did Moses lift up the
serpent in the wilderness? None OF the class
knew except one. lie said Moses lifted II up
because he knew it wouldn't bite. Jt was
the same youth who said the Jews made
golden calf because they didn't nave gold
enough to make the whole COW.
A little Sixteenth street girl was inter.
viewing the preacher. "Ain't God goodT'
she asked, earnestly. "Of course He Is my
child" said the pastor. ."And it isn't wrong
to say so. is itg''she continued. Certainly
not" That's what told mamma" why,
my child" said the pastor in amazementt,
your mamma did not say He was not good,
did she?" mo, sir, not exactly; but at break,
fast this morning when pa took mouthful
of coffee he said good God, and mamma
told him there was no use in swearing, even
II the coffee wasn't the best in the world
The painful angularities of ill-mated
marriages are brought to point when the
wife punctuates them with fiat-iron.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
CONNUBIALlTlES.
AS model husband he takes high rank
At least in his wife's eyes
Who never says that he would like to
SpQnk

AS a model husband he takes high rank
At least in his wife's eyes
Who never says that he would like to
spank
The baby when he crys.
Among the Zulus young people fight and
tight.
post of life" That's so; and the guide post
She uses on refractory husband is tine roll
inS pin; atanrue-support, has been patented bv
worry about 1t, though, for it is not intended
as support for woman's tongue, but q
wagons.
1t was young Boston bride who called
her husband to account for speaking of her
parison was perfectly odious, as there was
so much Quackery about a duck, and, more
over, it always waddled.
A dispatch from Morley, Mich, announces
the elopement of Hiram Bryant and Bertha
In numerous families in Morley, a very fine
look ing girl who has heretofore borne good
character. Mr.. Bryant has wife and large
family of grown-up children and is about
sixty years OF age. lie Is o very large man,
weighing 215 pounds.
A foreign correspondent tells the follow
ing story: "There was an Englishman on
board, the younger son OF a lord, who may be
said to represent q type OF husband much
sought after in certain limited circles i'm the
United States. This Englishman married,
several months ago, the daughter OF a
wealthy Boston gentleman. Ho spends
three months every year In Boston with his
wife and the other nine months in England
alone. He has never taken his wife over
with him to his own home. he was asked
by friend on this trip why he did not bring
his home wife. oh, said he, she is kept at
home by a baby, believe, or something like
that"
Generally speaking. the Japanese men
make kind ana atfectiOpate husbands. and
the women make vrtuOus and exemplary
wives and mothers; and the children are
certainly the happiest little imps in the
world their parents fondle and spoil them
most etfectually, and at the same time never
lose their control over them. says writer In
the Brooklyn Magazine. The husband has
absolute control over the person of his wife;
at the same time, on never sees man
strike woman In Japan; yet there Is con-
siderable pinching and slapping done on oc-
casiOns when those strange and ungovern-
able spells of eXasperatng ugliness known
as tantrums settle down upon their matri-
mOnial horizon. On these occasions there Is
considerable free hitting, biting and scratch
Ing indulged In on both sides of the house,
but the greater strength of the husband In
variably leaves him master of the situation,
and the belligerent household speedily 70
sumes Its serene aud happy course.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
Vice Versa.

Vice Versa.
William " Russell.
AS far into the past. ween.
As ancient history can carry,
Tn unwritten law has always been,
The man should ask the maid to marry!
But-tho' the innovation great
That dares disturb so old a plan
j would suggest that, from this date,
The maid should supplicate the man!
Then, oh what fun our loves would be,
When girls would kiss us clasp our waist;
Or madly crave, on bended knee,
The happy wedding day to haste!
I'd like to lean on ,Iessie's arm,
While she would press me to her bosom;
Oh love, I'm sure would lose no charm
Ii men were coy and maids would choose
'pm
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08

a stranger, but the evidence you offer
in identifying yourself as the person to
whose order il is drawn is scarcely safi.
cent."
I've known you to hang man on less
evidence, judge" was the strangers re-
sponse.
Quite likely" replied the ex.judgc,
but when it comes to letting go of cold
cash we have to be careful.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
He Was n Genuine Curiosity.

What inducements can you offer for a
genuine curiosity?" asked man of a
dime museum proprietor.
What has he done?" asked the latter.
us he bridge jumper"
No, indeed"
Has ne eaten eighty-two quails in
forty-one days?"
Mop"
HAS he tasted forty days?'
"Naw."
Been in trance and been cured of a
disease OF sixteen years standing by
faithg'
"Nixey."
p"Is he the youngest soldier of the late
war;"
mo, SIR
HAS he abnormally large feet?"
Nothing of the kind"
''Has he an elastic skim"
mo"
Eats glass?"
"No."
"Then what is hep Where does the
curiosity come in?''
why, sir. the curiosity is that he
never did any of those things"
Bring him along. III give him 81 900
a week"
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
The Royal Baby's Got a Cold.


Written for the Sunday Bee bp Il. Amittc.
Seawise the cablegram be rolled.
The royal baby's got a cold!
Where were the mighty men of state?
The tOcsin coarders at the gate?
The brawny clansman tarters dressed?
Why let they thro' so dire guest?
A Geld wretched, sneeziny cold!
The foe of babehood, dire and bold,
Where was the draw-brldge. where, oil
where,
The Chamberlln ana Premier?
The woolsack, Privy Seal and Crown?
The judge with wig and ermined gown?
What treason dire must there have been,
To let common cold come In?
For pleban babes, we've no regret,
To see them sneeze, and whine, and fret;
And noses luminous as the sun,
Wlth goose grease largely piled thereon;
But for royal baby lad,
To have a cold, is just too bad!
But colds were ever saucy things;
What care they for the right of kings?
They ask no favors of prince;
The royalist noses yield, and vince;
And so this princely little kid
Must meekly house this guest unbid;
just like the plainest babe Of mems
For all the difference nature kens.
The royal baby's got a cold
Now wasn't the intruder bold,
To pass the warders of the gate,
The ch amberlain, the men of state.
And come with no one to announce,
And on this prlncely scion pounce,
Without by your leave or care,
Ii even the queen herself were there?
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
The Spring.
TI,nrr,} ~ Es,1IJ,r

EdUdrd n. hlQder.
In the spring the politician. toiling early,toll-
Worketh UP his little boomlet with an eye to
In the spring the circus agent sounds his loud,
defiant crow.
And with marrow-curdling whoppers gets his
work In for the show;
While the trainer who engages to confront
the savage beast
And be regularly mangled has his salary in
creased.
In the spring II the 3 nj native opera playesh west
While the saturnine musician turns from
Meyerbeer to Book.
Now the worn and weary actor, shabby, dis
Daily wonders i how Sf in hHaSdes he will live the
summer through;
While the foreign prima DONNA as she sails
Loaded down with Yankee dollars, smiles
the smile of tiendish glee.
In the spring the canny farmer plies the
White-waSh brush with zest-
Gayly builds another pig-pen and awaits the
In the spring the watering-plac are of
ct they only dealt in water they'd be very
badly left.
Now the trumpet of the leaguers loudly
through the country calls,
And the very air about us blossoms out in bats
and balls.
fully by nature grit,
Whisper of the tOrrid season when excursion
lists excurt!
Some Knotty Problems.
A certain saloon sells $7S worth of
liquid refreshments per day, yet its re-
ceipts are only $53. How is this? (This
problem is inserted by request of the pro.
prietor of the establishment referred TO,
who only spends one hour of the twenty
four IN the saloon, which, during the rest
of the day, is manned by an urbane and
accomplished bartender)
When the youth Of the period is at his
desk in the store, an hour seems about
ninety minutes inlength; but when he is
at his girls house in the evening, its du-
ration does not seem more than fifteen
minutes. Explain this.
Henry and William are playing mar
blcs. Henry has three marbles and Will
lam has twenty four Henry is mes
senger-boy and has a letter in his pocket
marked In great haste, but he will not
quit until he has won, Williams twenty
what time will the letter be delivered if
Henry has luck?
A certain horse car carries siXty-three
passengers at cents each on one of its
trips. The conductor turns in $3.50, and
it is not good day for conductors either.
Query: Ii 1t were a good day, how much
would he turn in, and if so why?
.**
Acertan theatrical manager shows that
there were 1850 in the house at the per
formance of his company. Yet there
were only 200 people present at 81.
Where did the other $3.50 come from?
Business is Business.
In small town out west an ex-county
Judge is cashier of the bank.
Tho check is all right. sir" he said to
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
kidiet ana Hamlet,

Said the kidlet from his seatlet
To the Hamlet on the stage.
Good, my Hamlet here's an cgglet,
Though II doesn't suit your age;
For, dear Hamlet, you're aware that
lou're exceeding young and fresh,
While this egglet--bet keg. that
It's mature in its profesh."
Then the Kidlet throws the egglet,
Hits the Hamlet in the leglet.
And the dudelet in the front row
Cries 20 ring the curtain down.
Then the kidlet, ah, fea. it,
Makes bidlet for beerlct,
While the Hamlet, like clamlet
WanderS silent through the town.
Like dreamlet or a gleamlet,
On the sur face of q streamlet,
Searching for carbOlc acid,
Goes he silent through the town.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
What q Thrifty Wife Can Do.

A young married man sends his imam
cial experience to the Boston Record.
He says: "When 1 was marrled-it was
several years ago-I was IN receipt of a
comfortable income, for young man.
and we went to housekeeping in very
good style. / had saved up about 81 200
and furnished my house with it hand.
somely. Ipald $50 a month rent. We
lived in a fashionable quarter of the
city and traded at market and grocery
near by. Paid cash for all purchases. l
kept little cash book for the first year.
We had a great deal of company at first.
The beefsteaks, chops, roast beef, and
fowl were frequent visitors. l bought
closely and we were careful and prud-
ent. Never an ounce of food was wasted.
At the close of the first year I reck-
oned up my expenditures for the table
and struck an average. l won't say
was not astonlshed at the result, for
was somewhat amazed to find that had
spent an average of only seventy eight
cents a day throughought the year.
That is $5.46 per week. Rents and pro-
visions are much cheaper now. l will
admit cannot see why. with thrifty
wife, a man cannot get along with $15 q
week."
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
From Me,

from Me.
A dashing young damsel from Me-,
With a face most uncommonly Pie,
Had such cute little Ft.,
That when seen on the St.,
Young "Cholly" was driven Inse.
Twas few hours ago down in Me-,
That kissed dear angel named Je.
II rhe whispered refre.,
Twas too low to be pie,
SO | did so age, and age.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
Too NatiOnal

Wall Street News: Tennessee is nc
state TO, n man to make money IN" he
said on tho train coming up from Nash
vile.
"Why?"
well, l bought saw.m mill at sheritf's
sale for $500, and had to sell it back to
the former owner for $175."
How did you haye tor
Why, do you suppose m fool nuff' to
stand out about Sl25 when teller has
got a shotgun levcled on me. They are
national in their ways of doin' business,
and I'm going back to Wisconsin"
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
The Late Stamese Twins.

Chang and Eng were raised up to meet
certain demand. The crisis came, and
they were there to meet it. They came
at time when the world was clamoring
for pair of buff twins united at the
sternum by means of light yellow first
mortgage bond.
But Chang and Eng were not happy,
even with their great wealth and the
fame they had acquired working an en-.
tirely new vein.
Nature, which united them so closely,
had not given them the same ideas and
thoughts. They agreed on nothing, it is
said.
One was Knight of Pythias, while
the other was Royal Arch Mason, and
the meetings were on the same evenings.
People who knew them said it was
painful to see the stronger of the two
pull the other twin away to a Knight of
Pythias meeting in which he felt no inter-
est, or snake him to revival when he
wanted to go to a colored ball.
A ncighbor tells me that while Chang
was baptist, and believed in immersion,
Eng was doubter, but had TO 20 in with
his brother and be immersed through
hole in the ice. E! -
One wanted to secede at the breaking
out of the war, while the other wanted to
save the country intact and fight under
the starry banner free,
Those who will read the history of
this strange brace of coffee -colored gen.
tlemen will agree with me that even
though you strike the popular feeling
ahd secure the public approval as a
freak ofnature. it is not all sunshine and
gladness.
Chang and Eng, though bound to.
gether through life, could not make
their wives live together in the same
house even, and so they were compelled
to MAINTAIN separate establishments. and
go from one to the other trying to allay
discord.
One of the twins was good man,
while it is said that the other was a very
successful sinner. In case of resurrec-
ton it is not yet fully settled how it will
be arranged, and the question has been
frequently raised since their death
whether they will or will not jointly
visit the realms OF the blessed and the
snorting, squealng precincts Of the
ID. BILL NYE.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
The TIE WHICH CUPID BINDS.
The Honored Place the Gentle Wife is
Ordained to Fill.
MONEY MAKING MATRlMONY

Tho Maid the Chooser-He Found
His Matc--Tempted With a Ring
A Salvation Army Wedding
Clever Courting Schemes.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
S;JACoRS OIL
INFLAMMAToRY RHGUMArisM.

=. As-Afer lapse Of years statements confirming
ne cf'cdcg Of -, jacobs on and It's permanent
cures. are given beiow.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
SPARKLING Gems OF JEST,
The Paying Out Of Gold Cash Grave and
Serious Task.
BILL NYE'S SIAMESE TWINS

The Royal lnfant-sprinG's Features
Knotty Prob,e ms--A Genuine
Curiosity be cidedly Ma
tionallJestings.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
From Rheumatic sufrerer.isso. Cured.

From Rheumatic Sufrerer-tSSO-Cu Cured.
Hamburg, Berks Co, Penna
Il suffered from severe iniiammRiory
rheumatism for about 3weeks; physicians
gave me no relief ] was confined to the
house. limbs very much swollen, and had
t. crawl up aud down stairs. Amer few
applications the pain was gone, and few
ROLAND 7. LEONARD.
From Same 9 Years Later-PermanentIy Cured.
Hamburg Berks Co., Pa. Oct. 10, 1856.
About six years ago took sick with In.
fammatory rheumatism and by using a
few bottles of st. Jacobs Oil was >ntircly
cured checrfully duplicate my testimO,
ny to the grand, great and good effects of
the Oil. ROLAND T. LEONARD.
From Deputy sheriH-June, tesi-cured.
Attleborough, Mass,
Last May was laid up with acute rheu.
matism aud confined to bed | was told
To try st, jacobs Oil. did 50 and next day
ELIJAH CApRoN, Deputy Sheriff.
From Same s Years Later-Permanentiy Cured.
Attleborough, Mass. Nov. 10, 1886.
had severe attack of acute rheuma-
tlsm so could not take step; was con-
fined u bed. tried everything to no pur-
pose and at last tried st. Jacobs Oil. II
cured cured Lac entirely and cheerfully recon.
ELIJAH CAPRoN. Deputy Sheriff.
THE CHARLES A. voGELER CO., Baltimore, Md.
So Al persons USING 81. Jacobs Oil or Red
Star Cough Cure, uW By sending a t1o-ccnt stump
and history Of their case, receive ADVICE FREE.
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08
Early Bliss of a Salvation Marriage

London Observer: At the marriage OF
the Marechale Catherine, General Booth s
daughter, to Colonel Cllbborn at the Sal
walton army barracks in London there
was a curious scene. The young woman,
tail and eXcitable, as we'll rs a cOmely
creature, as soon as the marriage was
over, sung song, of which one line was
not very encouraging to the newl y:mar::
ried husband, The line was: "Well
fight and never tire" and to illustrate
her meaning in worldly fashion she
squared off at her husband in true pugi-
listic shape, dodglng her head and shift
ing her ground, and with much spirit she
battered him about considerably. The
immense crowd screamed and shouted.
1t was too much for the excitable nature
of General Booth. He dragged out his
venerable spouse, and they spared right
merrily at each other. When that tired
them both couples began frenzed
breakdown, hanging on each others
waists
Omaha daily bee., 1887-05-08

How Some Wives are Woed and Won.
Marriages are often the result of acci-
dent 1t seems strange, but the most
prudent persons will sometimes conceive
an irresistible attachment at the sugges-
tiOn of word or look. When once
they go through all the forms and finish
the declension of the verb before the
altar. The few may give the subject the
consideration it deserves, but the many,
there is reason to fear, are guided by
impulse.
A skipper of coasting vessel called
ut the village inn and asked the landlady,
young widow: "Do you know where
can get mate? have lost my mate >
smiling. ~ want mate too, and can.
not get one. AS we arc IN the same posi-
ton, I'll tell you what I'll do; If you'll
be mine IN be yours" He closed with
the bargain, ana the widow keeping to
her word, he is now supplied with two
mates.
A young man at a church bazaar was
button-holed by lady; she would not
he looked at her stall, which contained
fancy work of various kinds. why"
he said, 81 see nothing here that would
be OF the least use to me, bachelor, eX-
cept yourself. The rest would be dear
to ME at any price"
II will be cheap enough" she said
coaXingly.
III you could be dear enough, per-
haps--"
10, comet you are just the person /
want, taking him by the arm.
She sold him one article after another,
keeping up an agreeable conversation
the while, and before all was done he
had purchased everything on the stall
Then. at settling up, there was some-
thing said about discount. ~ cannot re-
turn any money" she said blushing, but
if you think me dear enough, there S
msmma; she may give you my hand"
The bargain was accordingly concluded.
life of lady. q personal friend. was