News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-01-06
SEVERE.

zionist indeed. The little son of Waco
prohibitionist said to his father:
"Pa read in book that long time
ago Circe turned men into SWINE; do
such things happen nowadays"
Pa-"No, my son, it is no longer
necessary. Men turn themselves into
swine nowadays. ."-I6DaS SVtingS.
ALL WASTED.
"John," exclaimed Mrs. Binks, 'little
Willie says he saw you with your arms
around the cook this morning"
"Well, my dear, saw an article In
the papers yesterday morning about
waste in the kitchen, and was simply
investigating the matter"
"What2 Waste in the kitchen"
"Yes. Waist in the kitchen"
OH, HORROR!
Mrs. Mushroom-Do you know sent
to one O. them clairvoyants and got her
to cast my horoscope.
Mamie-Ma, you mean horoscope.
Mrs. Mushroom-I guess know what
I'm talking about. If you saw the
dreadful things she prophesied for me,
you'd think it was horoscope.
WOULDN'T MARRY THE WHOLE FAMILY.
"Young man." said the stern parent
to the applicant for his daughters hand,
'are you sure you can support fam
ily?"
"I-I wasn't m-making any calculations
on that" stammered the young man ;
81 only wanted the girl, you know. "
PittSJaug Dispatch.
DELIGHTFUL MUSCULAR CONTRACTION.
Miss Lottie Ito Cousin John, trying a
galvanic battery, with two girls, for the
first time). GLOW does it affect you,
Cousin John p
Cousin John (bashfully). "He he
it ma-akes me squeeze my hands. -
Harper, Bazar.
NOT A FULL LINE.
"Gimme hunk Nv dried beef"
s'Thir ?"
"'Bout couple pound Nv dried beef"
s'We don't keep dried beef, thir."
"Then wot do ye go and advertise to
sell dry goods fur if ye don't keep full
stock. ."-BaSar.
HIS PREFERENCE.
"Somehow or other 1 don't think I'd
care to be the prettiest girl in the world, y
he remarked.
She-''Why not2'
He-''Because I'd rather be next tc
the prettiest. ."-AWStin SJtingS.
FOR PATTI.
Patti cake, Patti cake, Abbey man,
Mako bip dOllars aQt e VOu pa1.
Double them, and double them, and mar
them withP.,
And send them to the bankers for Nicky anC
me; Boston Home Journal,
ODDS AND ENDS.
MoTTo for the policeman: Be sur
he's tight, then club his head.
JUSTICE is the soapsuds with whicl
we wash the flannel shirt of wrong.
HE-If 1 could live on pigs feet al
the time. She-Are you sure you don't
A WEARS little daughter on visiting
another Yicarage, asked: "What doe
your pa want study for He doesn'
! smoke"
"DoEs the razor burt, sir 2" asked tn
| barber of Lighthead. ''No," replied
Lighthead, 1.-THE razor don't hurt, bu
my face does, awfully."
"HULLo, Mike, hear yer on n strike. ,
$50 l am. l struck for fewer hours ,
'Did you succeed ?'' "Indeed 1 did.
Pm not working at all now"
A WRITER says: "some people would
sooner help a stranger than a friend. "
Yes, and nine times out of ten they will
get more thanks for their help.
WHEN you say that you don't know
which are the fattest letters ia the alpha
bet, you will be told o B T, where
upon you are expected to exclaim o &c
IT is very difficult for lady to enter
or leave a carriage properly. 1t re-
quires practice and a carriage. The
carriage is the hardest part to acquire.
THE change in dogs eye as he goes
from light to darkness, or visa-ve:sa
occupies three seconds. This is the time
when you want to jump the picket
fence.
"WHEN Does a Man Weigh Most p
is the heading of an article in health
Journal That Is an easy one. He
weighs most when he steps on fellows
| corns.
'NIA, what is this coal pool ] read
about in the papers 2" asked little John
ny. 'I'm sure l don't KNOW" was the
reply, "unless it is where miners go In
swimming"
A PHYsIoLoe1sT says that "no mans
body is as strong as his appetite. u
This explains why tramp can eat a
bigger pile of victuals in day than he
can saw wood.
A FOND father has fair daughter at
boarding school. An old teacher of the
girl met the father and asked: 'Is
your daughter making progress in her
school work ~ II should judge she
is" replied the fond father. why
she has one grammar that cost Sill"
A bingham lady, who, having com
planned of being unable to tell her
mince pies from her apple pies without
testing, was advised to mark them. She
did so, and comp acently announced ::
''This I've marked II. M.-"Iis Mince, ,
an that I've marked IT. M.'-"Tain't