Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1887-08-24
A NASAL NOCTURNE.
How It Created Discord in Two
Loving Hearts.

Loving Hearts.
When the matronly but still attrac-
tive widow Winchester decided to give
her hand and the remnant of her heart
into the keeping of the much admired
and sought-after widower Browne, it
was after an exhaustive examination of
all that pro and con could offer. Pro
came out ahead by large majority.
No children, tidy property, good
looks, good health, good nature, and
very elegant manners-what more
could reasonable woman ask forp
And yet there was another point
which the lady would have given q
great deal to have had settled; for, af-
ter all, upon this point everything else
rcvolved. Did Mr.. Browne snorep If
he did, then what were all the apparent
elegancies of manner, and charms of
disposition? To her, the veriest rubbish;
because the person who could be guilty
of such a practice must be natural
ly and irrcdeemably coarse and vulgar.
Mrs Winchester believed that this con-
clusion was reached not only by strict
ly logical process, but, better still, by
the result of actual experience. The
cook who snored never stayed the sec
ond night in the widows house after
the damaging fact was truly establish
ed. Mrs Winchester might have been
idiosyncratic, but she was just, and the
cook offcnsc had never been known to
be charged upon the waitress. This
lady had once sent away most accom-
plished trained nurse during critical
illness, for this inexcusable habit, and
the woman, thus ANONYMOUSLY ex-
PEELED, despised herself ever afterward
for not having had the courage to say
to her patient that her own accomplish
mcnt in this respect could not well be
surpassed. More than one of Mrs.
Winchester's friends, anxious to pre-
serve this lady's esteem, had kept awake
all night when invited to share her
pretty room, rather than run the slight
est risk of FORGETTING her friendship; and
their testimony, in each case, was n di-
rect confederation of the nurses, i'm
reference to the tuneful character of
Mrs Winchester's respiratory organs.
But the widow kne,0 that she never
snored. She might not boast to others
of her innate delicacy and exquisite re-
iinement, her dainty bric-a-brac nature,
but had she not long ago laid down an
adamantinc proposition that such gilt
edged organizations could not snorep
The signs were all hopeful about
wilower Browne, she told herself.
shaped head was poised upon them like
the Apollo of the Vatican. His nose
was straight and patrician, like her
own, and SO could not possibly act as q
pipe for the communication of start
ling and disgusting sounds. Mr.. Win
chester had snored, and Mr.. Winchcs-
ter, though exceptionally refined in
appearance, had also sworn, and only
few days after the nuptial knot was
| tied; and Mr. Winches er had also
Clipped off some very substantial
| chunks from his wifes brick of for
tune. More logic, more analogy, more
living experience. The reverse of the
proposition, that the man who swore
would certainly snorc, was, according
to the widows reasoning, equally true.
But something must be risked, and
the comcly widow, taking her own nose
rs the proper pattern of what high
toned, properly conducted nose, by night
as well as by day, should be, finally
accepted her ardent admirer. Once or
twice Mrs. Winchester had been almost
tempted to express the kccness of her
feelings on this subject to the gentle
man who aspired to be her husband;
but to fdtt about snoring, even, was so
manifestly indelicate, that her super
sensitive nature shrank back, ashamed
and affrighted.
The period of happiness and tranquil
ity that followed the engagement was
rudcly broken in upon by sharp attack
of malaria, and Mrs. Winchester was
ordered to the sea-shore for two or
three weeks. Mr.. Browne was at first
inconsolable; but the fair widow sent
him one of her characteristically elegant
little notes, for the first time informal
and somewhat affectionate, and the
separation proved much less agonizing
than it might have been, and for the
phenomenal chcerfullness of the woman
who never snorcd.
Mrs. Winchester was trifle in adj
vance of the season, and for nearly a
week was the only guest at the pretty
little beach hotel. This solitude was
very agreeable to the fair patients but
at last il was invaded by occasional city
stragglcrs, running down to see how
the ocean looked, and what the chances
were for engaging rooms, and, to cap
the climax, the apartment exactly OPP
positc the invalid's was occupied, and
by man who snored.
"Oh, mann, as foine looking gintle-
mau rs We would wish to clap your two
eyes upon" the chambcrmaid replied
to Mrs Winchester's anxious inquiries.
There's niver no danger of burglars
in this house, shure."
He might be n burglar and welcome,
that is, II he could bc'--the lady, logi-
cally consistent, made haste TO inter-
polate--''if he only wouldn't-wouldn't
respire through his nose. But he took