News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-11-03
THE J0KER'S BUDGET.
WHAT THE HUMOROUS PAPERS
HAVE TO SAY.
Did Not Remember It-A Caution
Talking Business - Rich Mems
Brains-SelfInsura Etc, Etc.

|
Talking Business - Rich Mems
ins-SeIfInsurance, Etc, Etc.
TOO RISKY.
''Td like to write you policy in our
non-forfeitable, worcestershire, double
iointed security company" observed an
insurance agent to a stranger.
"Well, L don't know" replied the lat
| ter.
"But you should think of your wife
and family. If anything should hap"
CAN right; go ahead with your
policy"
"Thanksl Your name, business anil
age, please.
dickson Jones, baseball umpire, age
81"
"Oh, er-excuse me-Im sorry, but
Tn afraid I can't stay any longer just
now. Good-by."
| READY TO TALK BUSINESS.
Charley Ito his sisters beaU: Say,
Mr.. Griggsby, pa bought a big dog this
afternoon, and he's chained up behind
the house, and he's going to be let loose
at ten o'clock.
Griggsby: Indeed, Charley!
Charley: Yes; and he bought a shot
gun and had copper toes put on his
boots to-day, and he says if you don't
leave by ten he's going to take the law
into his own hands. Now l want to talk
business. What'll it be worth to you
to have me poison the dog, take theshot
out of the gun, hide the boots and set
the clock back an hour? I'm ready to
open negotiations.
THE YOUNG WIFE.
"Why, George A hundred dollars
for that magazine story! How long did
it take you to write it?"
Young Husband noDchalantly)-"Oh,
I don't know, couple of days, [ sup
pose.
Wife (exultingly)-Fifty dollars n
day! That's three hundred dollars q
week, and twelve hundred dollars
month. Twelve times twelve is one
hundred and forty y-four-fourteen thou
sand four hundred dollars q year!
Why, George, we can keep q carriage
and horses Just as well as not!-Harpers
Bazar.
CANT HOOK.
A couple of fellows went into hard
ware store.
"My deah sir, may we inquiah what
cant hook is p
Certainly. A cant hook is a thing
to roll logs with. We have a great sale
for them in this lumber country"
"You are whong, sir, said one of the
dudes, 'dead whong. That is not a
can't hook"
"Well, what is can't hook, then2"
ga can't hook, SIR" said the dude,
edging toward the door, ga can't hook Is
a muley COW. Te-he-he-he -
MILITARY ITEM.
The German military officer never un-
bends. This is the way Colonel Donner
of the dragons gives his wife leave to
go to the springs:
attention wife I grant you six
weeks furlough for the restoration of
your health. Come to the position of
soldier, if you please. You shall report
at once to the medical officer at Wies-
baden. / will expect you to send in reg
ular reports twice week to me, your
commanding officer, in regard to the
condition of your love and fidelity.
Right about face, march y
FATHER AND SON.
Tommy's fathers business affairs call
him from home early in the morning
and keep him until late at night to such
an extent that the two are but slightly
acquainted.
Recently the old gentleman found it
necessary to punish Tommy for some
offence, and the boy with tears in his
eyes sought his mother for consolation. |
"Why, what's the matter, Tommy"
she asked.
s'Ihe m-man that s-sleeps here nights
s-spanked me, he sobbed.
THEoRIsT.
Wife-Where have you been all day? |
Husband-In the beer saloon around !
the corner.
Wife What were you doing there, l
should like to knOw2
Husband-Talking with other Social
lists.
Wife-Oh! Well, have you decided .
how to escape from this blighting pov
erty?
Husband-Yes; we are going to make
farmers pay fine for every hour they
work Tidbits.
THE HAIR.
Mrs Wayup was telling her guests |
the other evening how she was being
persuaded by her husband to have her
hair cut short.
But she concluded, II do 80 hate
to part with my hair"
Just then the five year-old demon en-
tered
"What do you want, johnny"
"Why, Nell is upstairs and she wants
to know which hair you will wear to-
night, for she wants the dark shade if
you don't"
THE FAMILY SUPPLIED.
"You love my daughter?" said the
old man.
Glove herr" he exclaimed passionate
ly; I would die for her! For one soft
glance from those sweet eyes [ would
hurl myself from yonder cliff and perish,
a bleeding, bruised mass, upon the
rocks two hundred feet below"
The old man shook his head
81 am something of liar myself, y
he said, ''and one is enough for small
family like mine. ~. Y. Sun.
CAUTION BORN OF EXPERIENCE.
Customer-Welll
Drug Clerk-Well
Customer-Didn't you see me wink?
Clerk-Yes, sir.
Customer-Don't you know what q
wink usually means in drug store?
Clerk do, sir, and my delay in fill
ing your order is caused by my inability
to tell whether the peculiar shade of red
on your nose was brought out
by cold Grow" or maryland Club" 1
hate to make a mistake, sir.
PRACTISING ECONOMY.
"You must practise economy, young
man," said the old gentleman; ''you are
too eXtravagant.
81 do practice economy" was the re-
sponse, 81 only ate bowl of bread and
milk to-day for my lunch.
"That looks better" commented the
father, somewhat Modified. "What did
it cost you ?-ten cents?
"Well, had to give the waiter half
dollar, father"
A FATAL DEFECT.
First American Financier-''W we
have right to be proud. The Empire
of China has sent representative to
this country to study our system of
American banking"
Second American Financier-'1t will
be loves labor lost. Our system won't
work in China"