News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-09-08
TIE JOKER,S BUDGET.
HUMOROUS THINGS WE FIND IN
THE NEWSPAPERS.
Over Four Knots-The Brown
Stone Fronts-He Wanted TackS
1t made Her Manipulating
the Fur Fly-Odds and Ends, etc.
BROWN STONE FRONTS.

BROWN STONE FRONTS.
Chow many cigars do you smoke in a
day on an average?" inquired one COM
mercial traveller of another.
perhaps ten," replied his friend.
"Ten cigars a day at 10 cents each
would amount to 81.
"Thats about the figure"
"One dollar a day; 365 days in year
hem! How long have you been
smoking?"
''About twenty years"
'Twenty years Three hundred and
sixty five dollars a wear, compound in
terest. Why, friend, do you know that
if you had not smoked you might have
owned one of those brown stone fronts
across the street, z"
''Likely enough. You are not a
smoker, L believe 2"
''Never had cigar in my mouth.
''Nor drink p
''No. I don't know the taste of
liquor"
FAnd which one of those brown stone
fronts do you Own?"
IT MADE HER WEARY.
A reporter was standing at the confec-
y y
yesterday when burly man came in
and, addressing one of the young women
behind the counter, said:
''Give me pound of your best -
Taking a look at the girl he made q
dash for the door, looked up and down
th9 street and returning with satisfied
expression concluded:
-''yOur best mixed candy"
I, 1 r.. l..
candy and gone out, the clerk said with
a pout:
"That makes me tired. He is the
twentieth to-day, if there has been one. !"
"Why did he go out?" asked the re-
porter.
''To look for a white horse"
Her hair is little on the red.-Detr0it
Tree Press.
RELISH.
People who most relish gossip take a
very different view of it when it is di-
rected against ones own reputation.
"What an extremely candid person
Mrs. Higgins is" said Mrs. Robinson.
''See how she exposed those Simkinses
and Wilkinses.
eyes, said Mrs. Jones, "but if you
you yesterday"
"About me?"
eyes, about YOU
"Well, l never! The idea of her
talking about me I won't believe an
other word she says.-Y0utHs COmpan-
ion
SPEEDY.
Miss Burlington (who has been pop
ped att am very sorry, Mr.. Welde,
but as much as I like and esteem you rs
a true friend, must not, can not, will
not, shall not consent to be more to you.
[ regret to put it so strongly, but want
you TO understand isls..
Mr. WeIde (deiectedfyJ-w nat mag
nifcent yacht you'd make, NJ Flea
nor.
Miss Buffington-I, a yacht?
Mr.. Welde-Yes. You've just spun
off four "nots" in two second, you
know.-Teras S9tings.
A Kentuckian with large Jug made
o bargain witha countryman to take him
four miles over the hill. Chow much'll
you charge?"
s'Oh, a couple of swigs of the stuff in
that jug'll make it about square, L reck-
on.
After the Journey had been made and
the countryman had taken n swig, he
said: stranger, Tn a peaceable man,
but if you don't want to be chuck full OF
lead tonight you'd better find another
way to carry yer molasses.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.
Two bears chased Michigan man.
He climbed q tree which was too small
for the bears grasp, but they hung
around the neighborhood for five hours,
while the man, who had been to school
and could read and write and make
speech and vote, remained aloft because
he was afraid to come down. At the
end of that time his wife came over the
same route, and upon meeting the bears
lust tapped her apron like she was drlv-
ing chickens out of the garden, and they
ran away.
so SHORT.
A good story is told of our old friend,
DR.. Cushman. He went to barber
during the recent heated term and said,
doubtless with that well-remembered
twinkle of the eye: "Now [ want you
to cut my hair as short as you would
like a sermon.
In rising from his chair and ruefrllly
surveying his bald and shining head, he
was constrained to observe that the bar
Der wanted no sermon at all. Chicago
Liging Church.
A LITTLE MEAN.
A Portland man who employed a num-