Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-03-10
BILL NYE SPEAKS.
He Proposes to be Married as Proxy to Any Ex-
tent at Lowest Living Rates.-His Dis
course ON the Mystery Of Love.

He Proposes to be Married as Proxy to Any Ex-
tent at Lowest Living Rates-His Dis
course on the Mystery Of Love.
With considerable leisure on hand this
winter, it has occurred to me that might
do well if would attend to the proxy
business of gentlemen who may be en-
gagged IN the penitentiary industry. There
can be no doubt that in a short time the
dlsagreeable and irksome task of getting
married will be done wholly by proxy, and
the man who will step in and attend to
this matter at living rates will soon have
all he can attend to. More especially
will the new order of things be boon to
those who are taking classical course at
the penitentiary and who cannot get
away.
have never conversed with any man
upon the subject of matrimony who did
not regard the act as most distasteful,
embarrassing and painful. The marriage
ceremony is an epoch, as I may say, in
every mans life which he would gladly
omit He is never self possessed if sober,
and it is certainly reprehensible to COM
NIT matrimony while in q state of beastly
intoxication. I would impress it upon
the bride as we'll as the groom that it is
far better to remain sober through the
ceremony, no matter how trying it
may be.
But the time is now coming when this
trying ordeal will be experienced by a
trained groom with a proxy in his
pocket and the husband de facto can
save the expense of new Russia iron
dress and the mental agitation, nervous
| l. a.. IL
ton of the marriage ceremony.
To be successful as q proxy under such
| circumstances, a man should be about my
age, height and general tout ensemble.
| He should be tall, ignifed, self-possessed
and of coed postoffice address. He
| should be a cool man; one who would not
i change color if brass button should
burst off the rear breadth of his trosseau
and fall to the floor, but calmly put his
foot on it, and with chastened, far-away
look, go on with his lines.
Nature has fitted but few men to shine
as principals at their own matrimonial
ceremonies. Most of them have a wild.
argy and coma. I never saw but one man
who was perfectly cool at such time,
and it is now thought that he and his wife
I llfSQ uuHdppHy loScVuC1, AOA lew
months after their marriage he worked
her up into a trunk mystery, and began
his freshman year at the penitentiary.
He will be executed IN July. soon after
the anniversary of our nations glorious
natal day, and yet he is now seriously
contemplating the marriage-by proxy
of fair young girl who now comes to his
cell on Tuesdays and Fridays-his recep-
ton days-bringing with her button hole
bouquets of meek-eyed pansies and tall,
tremulous lilies of the valley, and fra
grant ginger cookies, of which she is her
self the author.
All, love is strange thing I sometimes
think. AS sit pensively by the dying fire
light with my feet resting on the top Of
the upright piano. Is it not strange that
the love of sweet young girl, with dewy
eyes framed in tremulous light, should &c
out cropping through the cold, dark world
like the tendrills of a glourious young ivy
only at last to catch on, as it were and
cling to great horried man, whose only
claim to public recognition is the fact that
he put facetious glass bomb under 6
squad of policemen and tore great holes
into there bodies? Is it not odd that 6
young girl, born with rudimentary brains
should at last seek out man who toma
hawked his wife and after subdividine
her door remains, threw her into Saratoga
| trunk, in that wild. chaotic manner that g
nan always affect in packing trunk