Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1887-09-30
DRINKING CRUDE PETROLEUM.
sketch of n Pittsburgh Man Who
TAX several Glasses OF OIL Daily.

| IhNes Severoi Slassts OF Oil Daliy.
Greasy Joe" Whelan, of Pittsburgh,
is distinguished from the common herd
by his uncomfortable appetite for pc
troleup,, which he drinks as many men
do whisky. On the corner of Penn ave-
nue. and Twelfth street there stands q
crazy-loOking two-story building occu-
pied by one j. Gatens. u purchaser and
repairer of OIL barrels. To this estab-
lishment whole wagon loads OF barrels
are brought daily, and it is an important
part of Mr.. Gatens' business to collect
the oil which remains (sometimes in
pretty large quantities) in the bottom
barrels, and dispose of it afterward =
perhaps to the very individuals through
whose hands it has passed once before
Until recently the presiding genius of
Gaten's "barrel-shop" was Greasy
joe" A red-nosed. blear-eyed. griz-
zled. rough bearded. stoop shouldered.
gotlin-like four feet and half Of bone,
muscle, and grease: such is Joe. He
is uglness personitied. Black. Shiny.
crude petroleum is as graceful to his
abnormal stomach rs ambrosial nectar
to the palates Of the gods. 1t 5 as
goods rs whisky, if not better" he is
wont to say; and to see him toss off a
cupful. roll it about in his mouth like
chico old port, and let it :rickle down
his throat with evident gusto. one can
not help being convinced that he ac-
tually relisheds the stuff
The process by which Joe became in
ured to the practice Of OIL drink ing
was an easy and natural one. Three
fourths Of his days were spent in G;.-
tens repair-shop, the atmosphere Of
which smells like the combined odors
of q dozen retineries. With the excep.
ton of tools and paint there was moth
ing about him but oil. The crude
liquid, thick and Shiny. had soaked
through and through the floor; it
trckled down the walls, and dripped
lazily from the ceiling. Joe became
saturated with it until it appeared to
ooze from every pore of his body. and
permeated his clothing so thoroughly
that the application of match would
have sent him hcavenward in an instant.
Thus it was that he came TO be known
rs Greasy Joe" an ep tibet which will
undoubtedly stick TO him to his dying
day. Joe's fellow laborers in the work
of draining. mendinS. cleaning. and
putting new hoops on the barrels
brought TO his employer establish
ment hold it as sacred article Of faith
that crude oil is panacea. Did one Of
Thorn take cold9 A glassful Of petro-
leum two or three times day would
fix IN up as sound as dollar Some
bodys liver was disordered. Out came
the crude oil. and couple of swallows
restored the troublesome organ to its
normal condition. Thus, too, with
rheumatism, neuralgia, headache.
cramps, and the whole category Of Ills
that flesh is heir 10. Joe, when still in
his premiership, became II firm be-
lever in the curative properties Of o ].
and, in course of time, came 10 look up
on it as comforting and agreeable
beverage For long time he did his
oil-tippling in the str ctest secrecy; but
one day, for the qualification of a
group of small boys. he publicly tossed
off a goblet Of the fluid. and d Il it with
such unmistakable relish that the young
sters were stricken with fear and look
ed upon him as minlon Of the Evil
One.
Thenceforth Joe's reputation WAS
made. Strangers in the neighborhood
were invited to feast their eyes upou
h m. with the whispered information.
'He drinks oilr' Common. everyday
whisky drinkers regarded him with
reverence as being whose capacity
had wonderfully outstripped their own.
In fact, Joe came to be treated as 9
rdra driS, and was by many considered
as much an honor to Twelfth stree
and vicinity as the Sphinx and tho
pyramids are to Egypt. In very truth,
rs time passed on he became as i'm
penetrable as the one and as difficult
of access as the other. There are
some men in this world who can no
endure TO be famous. GREASY Joe" i.
one of them. He never cult waited the
admiration or the dread of his fellows
and, when he realized that such was
his portion, his spirit rose in revolt
One day. about month ago. he wa
missed from his accustomed haunts.
was nine days wonder whittier Jo
had betaken himself. Some though
that he had gone TO the oil regions
there to pitch his tent beside q well anC
pass the remainder of his days in on
long and celestial petroleum debauch
Others limited dsrkly that he had bee
, carried off by spontaneous combustion
Everybody said, II told you sou an
laid claim IN havinO nj WAYS fhouUh