News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1887-12-01
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
ODDS AND ENDS OF HUMOR
FOUND IN OUR EXCHANGES.

A CompIaint-Little Boys-A Pro
vision-He Knew His Pop-PIan-
tation PHILOSOPHICAL Full Week,
etc, etc.
| AN ECONOMIC PROVISION.
'1 WONDER" said man on a railway
| train, addressing some one who shared
his seat, ''what they are making a road
across the track here for? There don't
seem to be any need for it."
'EThe railroad company is doing it.
''Wonder why?"
s'To let man stand here with flag
/ and look out for, trains"
''But / don't understand why they
want to make crossing merely to have
it watched.
''Why, you see, train has just cut
| off another mans leg, and the company
has given him a ten-dollar- -per-month
job to keep him from bringing suit
against the road. ."-ArkGnSda0 IrGUeler.
PLANTATION PHILOSOPHY.
I neber seed er wise man dat couldn't
ack de fool, but L hab seed many er
fool dat couldn't act wise.
Some O. de tenderest words is spoke
by de ugliest men. Desweetest hick'ry
nuts grows on de toughest trees.
Er oman dat hab married er po' man
case she lubed him is mighty ap' ter
want her daughter to marry er rich man,
no matter whuther she lubs him ur not
1t amt whut yer say dat is gwine ter
do de mos good in dis life It's whut
yer gifts folks to lissen ter. Eff folks
won't lissen, de best things is wasted;
eff da do lissen, er much po'er thing
mout do er power O. good.-Arkdnsdoo
Iragelger.
HE PR OWED HIS LOVE.
Irate Father-You remember you
wanted to marry that bookkeeper of
mine about year ago.
Daughter-Yes, father.
"a pretty sort of man you picked
out He has decamped with my whole
fortune"
'You remember, father, that you told
him he could not have me until he got
rich, don't you p
"Of course the young"
81 have Just received dispatch from
him at Montreal saying he is rich now,
bui is perfectly willing to marry poor
mans daughter "-OneahG World.
DABBLING IN FUTURES.
. ''My husband loved me when was
mere child" said one Chicago lady
proudly to another.
'Indeed That is quite romantic"
eyes, he asked papa for my hand
when 7 was only Is years old, and papa
said he could have me if [ would give
my consent
"And he waited till you was of age?"
eyes,
''Well," said the other spitefully, 81
recollect hearing your husband say the
other day that he always did get left
when he dabbled in futures. ''-Baltinaor
american.
HE KNEW HIS POP.
Teacher - Now, Johnnie, suppose
your father has an income of five thou
sand dollars year from his business.
He spends two thousand for your man.
mas clothes; fifty dollars for his own
clothing, and one thousand dollars in
miscellaneous expenses. How much
will he have at the end of the year?
Johnnie (after mature deiberatiOn)- -
'Leven thousand dollars.
'sEleven thousand dollars. You don't |
seem to know your arithmetic"
"Well, know pop. He's an alder
man, he is !"-LJ6.
SARCASM.
Wife to husband-I can't compre-
hend how [ ever came to marry such a |
donkey as you.
Husband-Don't get excited, my
dear.
The only explanation for it is that I
was fool, a wretched ignominious
fool.
Now look here, my dear, you may
abuse me as much as you please, but
shall not allow you to call my wife a
fool You must speak respectfully when
YOU mention her name, even If she does
not deserve it. "-IeUas SsJtings.
THE MAN WANTED.
Stranger in Lincoln real estate Office
I would like situation of some kind.
s'You would, Ell! Well, we need a
man, but we can't afford to pay more
than so week. Have you had expe
ence?"
"Not in real estate.
"What's your business 2"
81 have been advance agent OF cir
Gus all summer.
"Will you sign contract to work at
$40 a week ?''-Ne5raSba State Journal.
MEANS BUSINESS.
"Clara has returned my engagement
ring" said Charley, ''and all is over
between us.
''What kind of ring is it," asked
experienced George diamond"
''No; cheap affair; only cost coup
lie of dollars."
"Wen, don't you give up the ship,
old man; she'll be all right in a day or
two. It's only when girl let's go of
diamond ring that she really means
business. ."-Harper's Bazar.
AN ovER-FULh WEEK.
Mrs. Flimsy-Did I understand you
to say your husband was a member of
nineteen benefit societies.
Mrs. Rumsy-Yes, the dear man
He's so thoughtful about us should he
die.
Mrs. Fimsy-Well, guess he'll die
before long. Bless us and save us
Think of it How ON earth can he
stand it to be out nineteen nights in
week !-Socjety Journal.
THE BOY STOPPED HIM.
''Say, what are you doing!" demand
ed the hall boy of the countryman who
was working away at the electric button
in his room with penknife.
''Oh, ye're here, air yel" was the re-
sponse "Jest lend me a hand, will ye?
l wanter git the stopper out o this
speakin tube. S'pose'n the house sh'd
catch fire and 1 couldn't let the landlord
know. "-T'OledO.
WEST.
On a Lake Superior steamer few
weeks ago ive-year-old gi1l made
friends with the captain and was nearly
always at his side. One day the cap 1
tain stepped up to the compass to take
his bearings, followed by the little one.
-. M