Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1887-02-13
BILL NYE
GIVES SOME ADVICE REGARDING
NATRIN0NY.
He is Eager to Help the Ministers Get Pees-HCw
William Manages to Secure the Postage Stamps
Which hs Uses To Forward his GlandsSine
Love Letters

now in my hands awaiting replies, and i
take this method of giving them more air.
A few months ago l ipjudiciously stated
that l would take great pleasure in boom
ing, or otherwise ~whooping up, everything
in the matrimonial line, if those who need
ed aid would send me twenty-five cents,
with personal description, lock of hair and
general outline of the style of husband or
wife they were yearning for. As q result
of thus yielding to a blind impulse and
giving it currency through the Globe, |
now have a huge mass of more or less solid
postage stamps that look as though they
had made a bicycle tour around the world,
a haymow full ofletters breathing love till
YOU can't rest, and a barrel of calico-cOlOred
hair. 1t is a a treat to look ut this as
sortment of hair of every hue and degree
of curl and cOarseness. When l pour 1t
out on the floor, it looks like the interior
of an Indiana barber shop during the State
fair. When ! want fun again, l will not
undertake to obtain it by starting a matri-
monial agency.
| have one letter from n man OF y sum-
mers, who pants to bestow himself on some
one at as early u date as possible. He tells
me on n separate slip of paper, which he
wished destroyed, that he is 4 little given
TO "bowling up" q term with which l am
not familiar, but he goes on TO say that a
good, noble oma with love in her heart
and al earnest desire TO save a soul, could
rush in and gather him in good shape;
He says that he is worthy, and II he couid
be snatched from q drunkard's grave III
time he believes that he would become
eminent. He says that several people
have already been overheard to say:
"What a pity he drinks" From this he
is led to believe that a good wife, with
some means, could redeem him. He says
that it is quite u Common thing for young
where he lives to larry young men
for the purpose of saving them.
| think myself that some young glrl
ought to come forward and snatch this
brand at an early date.
The great trouble with men who form
the bowl habit is that, on the morrow,
after they have been so bowling, they
awake with q distinct and well-dehned
sensation of soreness and s~wollenness about
the head, accompanied by n strong desire
to hit some living thing with 4 stove leg.
The married man can always turn TO ms
wife in such IN emergency, strike her.
But TO one who is doomed to wander alone
through life there is nothing to do but to
suffer on, or 60 ont and strike some II
who does not belong to his family, II so
lay himself liable TO arrest.
This letter is accompanied by n TIN type
picture of q young man who shaves in such
a way rs to work in n streak of whiskers by
which he fools himself into the notion that
he has a long and luXuriant mOustache.
He looks like a person who, under the in
luenceOf liquor, would weep on the bosom
a total stranger and then knock his wife
down because she split her footOpcn instead
of splitting the kindling.
He is not a ~bad-looking man, and the
on his hands do not hurt him rs n
husband. Any young lady who would
like TO save him from n drunkard's grace
can address him i'll my care, enclosing
twenty-five cents, q small sun which goes
toward u little memorial fund | am getting
up for myself. My memory has always
been very poor, and if ! can do it any good
with this fund am going to do 1t. The
lock Of hair sent with this letter may he
seen at any time nailed up on my wood
shed door. 1t is q dull red color, and can
le readily cut by means of a pair OF tim
mems shears.
BURNT PRAIRIE, NEAR THE JUNCTION.
ON THE ROAD TO II COURT House,
TENNESSEE, January |, 1887
DEAR SIR am in search of n wife and
would he willing to settle down if ! could
yet a good wife. | was hut &c years of age
when INV mother died and | miss her sadly
for she was oh so good and kind to me her
earring son.
Ihave been wanting for the past year to
settle down, but | have not saw 4 girl that
| thought would make me n good, true
wife. know | have saw a good deal of
the world, Am inclined to he cynical for
see how hollow everything is, and much
need there is for a great reform. some
times ! think that if could express the
wild thoughts that surgcS up and down IN
system, | could win n deathless name.
When I get two or three drinks aboard /
can think of things faster than than ! can
speak them, or draw them of for the paper.
What | want is a woman that can ecOnO
miZc, and also take the place of my lost
mother, who loved me and put 4 better
polish ON my boots than any other living
man.
I know | am gay and giddy in my
nature, hut if could meet n joyous young
girl Just emerging upon life's glad morn.
and she had means, | would he willing TO
settle down and make rs good a husband
as you ever shook a stick at. A. j.