Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1887-10-06
WIT AND HUMOR.


hold his breath; it is generally too
strong for him. Teas SJtings.
A good American wine needs no
bush. All that is required is a popu-
ls. foreign label. Courier.
Shakespeare was not e broker; but
does any one know who else has fur
nished so many stock quotations.
Scranton Truth.
The ballet girls have brought suits
against the National Opera Company.
Certainly, the ballet girls ought to
have suits. LoaCeU Courier.
1t is no credit TO say of man that
he is regular as clock. To some it
might imply that he moved through
life on tick. PHILADELPHIA Herald.
The man who goes out in the coun-
try TO get q drink from the cold oaken
bucket should carry strainer along.
There are wrigglers in the well.-De-
tr0it Free Press.
Old lady lin drug store, to small
boy)-What am [ to take this medi-
cine in, sonny? Sonny Take it in
your mouth, mum. 'Tain't to be rubbed
on. "-NeaO York Sun.
Fogg says he quite lost his breath
the other day upon hearing young
lady In the horse car remark that ''the
limb of mutton sleeve is again coming
into fashion. "-Bostom Transcript.
In primary school = Victor"
asked the teacher, s'what animal
shows the greatest attachment to
man?" Victor thinks a moment and
then replies: ''The leech, sir.
Judge.
docs Grimes drink?" inquired
Smithers. Nothing Intoxicating" re-
sponded Thompson. ''How does that
Gomez" ''Why, the boys have got
tired buying it for him, I guess
Pltts6urg Dispatch.
A Scotchwoman, who has been Wis
iting in Boston and New York, says
that the Boston woman admires moth
ing she understands, while the New
York woman understands nothing she
admires. = Wonadn'S Journal.
''Swim? Not bit, stranger, but ]
reckon if ye'd drap me down in ther
middle of this hyur river I'd reach
land 'thout much diffikelty." ''Why,
how SOP" 'Waal, I carcalate I'd 90
right to the bottom. "-Harper's Bazdr.
what in thunder did you put in
that glass of soda?" he gasped.
Whisky" replied the clerk. You
winked." L winkedp My young
friend, one of my eyes is made of glass.
I'm a temperance apostle. "-Nee0 York
Sun.
''Ah beg pardon, but your name
is Gray?" he said as he met q man
coming out of the postoffice. mo,
sir-no, sir-my name is not Gray"
-ah-isnt Ell? Then l beg your
pardon for begging your pardon. y
Detroit Free Press.
If you ever noticed woman rum
maging," you must have been aston
ished at the number and variety of ar
ticles she can put into her mouth. As
q receptacle, nothing compares with it
except the pocket Of a small boy
burlington Free Press.
A bottle was picked up on the New
Jersey coast the other day which con-
tanned this sad message: six miles
from shore. John insists upon kiss.
We cannot float many minutes longer.
Farewell to the world John insists
upon another. A last farewell"
elbow much calomel did you sell to
that man for q quarter?' asked the
druggist of his clerk. Zone drachn1, "
he replied. mercy, you'll compel me
to make an assignment at that rate.
Don't you know that stuff costs us 40
cents u pound?" -Detroit Free Press.
Probably there are not ten men in
Boston who can name the satellites of
Saturn. But then probably there are
not ten residents of Saturn who can
name the suburbs of Boston. AL
things come out pretty even, after all.
at the end of the century.-SomerUill
Jour7adJ.
my DEAR" said a very sick hus-
band, ''if die will you see that my
grave is kept greenP" Yes, John, y
was the sobbing reply. ''You know
how gladly would do as much for
you," he said. Then the lady dried
her tears and the sick man got WE'LL
Ne10 York. Sun.
An Eastern Texas paper remarks
that it does not feel called upon to an
swer every Kissing reptile that 'crawls
his slime across our pathway" This
was in answer to an esteemed contem-
porary which has called him q s.slab-
sided, razor-backed, lopped-eared, sag
bellied, corned-toed wolf-whelp."
II hold" said the divinity student
in the woods at Catskill, Il hold that
we extract more that is beneficial
from nature than from books and"r'
We'll, said his fair companion, ''you
can keep on holding, but my feet are
wet, and Pm going back to the hotel. !"
-Nea0 YORK. Nail and Express.
lis your pa going to take you to the
picnic, Sadie?" No; pas sick. !"
''What's the matter with him?" 20,
he's sneezing all the time, and his eyes
keep watering" ''Then he must have
hay-fever?" mo; pa works for wages;
he doesn't get salary; he can't afford
to have hay-fever, so he's only sick"
Professor in Physics explaining a
complicated machine to the students)
Please observe that the slender rod
passes over to the second or smaller
wheel, etc.; while this Turning yi@or-