The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1887-01-19
CLASHES Of Fun.

"A minister, having some of his
old sermons, was asked what he had
in his package. "Dried tongue" was
the reply.
-"Wine talks" says the proverb;
and it is true, for when a man is full
of liquor he can't hold anything else,
not even his tongue.
She was plump and beautiful,
and he was wildly fond Of her; she
hated him, but, woman like, she
strOve to catch him. 1t was a fly.
A celebrated manufacturer of
mustard said that he had made his
money, not out of the mustard
eaten, but out of the mustard left on
the plate.
lis she a capable girl p said the
infatuated youth in answe to the
question: II should say she was.
Her father must be worth at least
half a Million"
"A little boy discovered not long
@ that two of his teeth were loose.
"I'm going to look out now" said
he, "and not swallow those. don't
want these same old teeth coming
up again."
"A little f~our-year old said to his
mother last week: "Mother, | be-
lieve God thinks I'm dead" "Why?'
asked the mother, somewhat aston
ished at the remark. "Cause /
haven't said my prayers fora week"
"A modern philosopher thinks it
is a mistake to suppose that women
have stronger attachments than men.
"A man." he says, "is often attached
to an old hat but who ever heard
of a oma being attached to an old
bonnet ?"
-"Well, how are you today
asked the doctor. my rheumatism
has gone. I rubbed my knee for an
hour with your lotion" replies the
patient. "Your knee? but you said
it was your arm" Eyes; but the
exercise cured me =
-"How old are you, madam ?"
"Thirty years." she replied.
That's what you told me last CEN
sus, ten years ago
"Well, I'm not n of the kind Of
women who tell one story one time
and another story another
-Johnson-"Can a person believe
what Jones says p
Pat-"Faith, an it's jist this way.
When he tells we the truth we a
behave livery word he says, but when
he lies to yez, we better have no con-
fdence in him at all"
"When I marry" said a budding
school girl, ELL want a tall, fine
looking man." "There's where you're
wrong, sis" said the more practical
sister. You'll have less trouble
watching an ugly man, and enjoy
more of his company"
A farmer laughed when his
prudent wife advised him not to
smoke on a load of hay. He footed
it home that night with his hair
singed, most of his clothing a prey
to the devouring element, and the
iron work of his wagon in a sack,
and then his wife laughed.
-Seven-year old Julie (thought-
fully)-"Doyou know, mamma, what
makes the trees sigh sometimes ?"
Mother-"It's only the breeze,
dearie." Julie-"Oh no, mamma, that's
not it," MOTHERHOOD the breeze p
Julie-"No, mamma, it's because the
the trees are lonesome for the birds
to come home"
-"You a do anything if you
have patience" said an old uncle,
who had made a fortune, to his
nephew, who had nearly spent M
water may be carried in a seive, if
you only wait" "How long 2 asked
the penitent spendthrift, who was
impatient for the old mans death.
"TilI it freezes" was the cold reply.
"A Frenchman who had pur-
chased a country seat was complain
ing of the want of birds in his gar
den. "Set some traps" replied an
old officer, "and they'Ncome. was
once in Africa, and there wasn't sup
posed to be a woman within 200
miles. [ hung a pair of earrings
and a bracelet upon a tree, and the
next morning | found two women
under the branches.