The Arkansaw traveler., 1887-08-06
1.-THE NATIONAL PRESS INTEL
 LIGENCE COMPANY"
H. s. Keller in N. Y. Mercury.

H. s. Keller in N. Y. Mercury.
 "A good thing boon to humanity in general" said Bjinks, as he laid aside late copy of New York pa- per.
 "What's good thing? If there's any boon for the good of humanity in general floating around I'd like to scoop in a piece of the aforesaid" ut tered Bjones.
 "I mean the National Press Intelli- gence Company. No man has got the time to read all the newspapers"
 "What does man want to go and read all the newspapers for" broke in Bjones.
 ''I mean, no man can read them all. Now, here is release Some bright fellow in this city has gone and hired a lot of cute chaps to skim through the papers for you, or l, or any one. Suppose you want to see about a cer- tain thing. They'll do all the cull- ing"
 "But suppose a fellow don't want to know what the newspapers say about him."
 "You don't seem to grasp my idea, Bjones. Let me explain a little more explicitly. You have a gold mine to sell you want to sell it bad. You can't find buyer. You become subscriber to the National Press h. telligence Company. You tell the manager to send you all the clippings concerning gold mines"
 "But haven't got gold mine to sell," said Bjones.
 "True, but you've gone and written a volume of poems"
 "Ah! Pve forgotten. Bjinks, would like to know just what the newspapers have got to say about my poems. 1 don't dare scan the book reviews for fear every one will say, 'There, see how conceited the poet is.'"
 "And there you've got the National Press Intelligence in nutshell. Let them do the reading for you. Become subscriber and they will send you all clippings concerning your book, Bjones."
 "Are you subscriber, Bjinks?"
 "I am; my recent pamphlet is in the market. shall soon know how it has been accepted by the public. But about your book of poems"
 "It cost my uncle S1 ,00O to have it issued. That old chap has great future laid out for me. He says am born to soar."
 "I always thought so myself. Come, let us go and have your name put down at once," said Bjinks.
 The pair went to the headquarters where Bjones had his name put down.
 Two days afterwards Bjones came into Bjinks' den with a small parcel of newspaper clippings. His face was red with fury. He was mad. "Bjinks," said he, "the fellow who wrote this was dolt, and I'd like to have him here for just five minutes. Listen to this:
 A mule-headed bark peeler who cannot write better po- em than "I Swim in Sea of Delight" deserves Imprisonment for life. The fellow who signs his name Biones hasn't, perhaps, swum in any element more tangible than sea of delight for ten years. Use soap, real sand soap, next time, Bjones Turkish towel and curry comb would also aid you, Bjones. Go split rails, open clans, umpire baseball games to their ever lasting doom-do anything, but for heavens sake don't Swim in Sea of Delight" any more.'"
 "It's quite evident, Bjones, the fell low who wrote that failed to catch the inner drift, so to speak, of your poem. He may write poems, too. Some of the sternest critics write po- ems. They are so blinded to their own faults that they see nothing but faults in other poets work. Now we will see what the newspapers say about my pamphlet"
 Bjinks tore open an envelope, ex- tracted slip, and cast his eyes over it.. His legs grew wabbly and his lips turned ashen with rage as he read:
 The book is not heavy. It weighs about three ounces, and has a lovely dado with pink legs and a green bill upon the back cover. Some fools rush with hop-skip- and jump where angels fear to tread. Biinks is a big-headed nincompoop, and his book is a gross failure. It is fact that his father has turned him adrift |; his eldest brother has usurped him in his love for the red haired hired girl !; every red, white and black baby calls him 'Lala,' and even the dogs bark at him as he passes. Such is the fate, and 1t is the just fate, of the author of The Individuality of Split Peas.'"
 "Bjones, there is no balm in Gilead, !" walled Bjinks, as he fell upon his friend sneck and wept.
 The pair wended their way to a neighboring sample-room, where they