Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1887-03-09
HOW TO GET RID OF A MISERABLE
WIFE.


WOMAN's AMBITION AND DUTIES = DIN
NER's DELIGHTS AND DIsCoRDs-HUNGEF
FOR PRAIsE-ELBow GREAsE-A MIS-
TAKE-HINTs FOR THE HOUSE MOTHER.
"Yes, professor, am afraid shall have
to rent or sell my farm. My wife is SC
miserable. l cannot carry it ON without
hiring. and hiring eats up all the profits. u
looked at the speaker admiringly. He
was about so, but as robust as man of 80.
His whiskers were neatly trimmed, show.
ing full, red cheek. He wore jaunty
hat and natty eutaway coat, and below
his vest hung silk fob and a heavy gold
seal. l was proud of him. He was such a
perfect picture of the New York gentleman
from the rural district that wanted to i'm
print his picture on my memory.
$50 your wife is miserable ?"
'sYes, kinder droppin' with dry cough
and no ambition. She just kinder drags
around the house, and looks so peaked and
scrawny it gives me the blues. 1t does,
swan"
Naturally weakly, wasn't she ?"
''She? Oh, no. When / married her
she was the smartest girl on the creek. She
used to work for father, and the way she
made the work stand around took my eye
She was poor gal, and her industry got
her a rich husband"
Here he carelessly took out gold watch,
looked at the time, put it back and ad-
justed the silk fob on the front of his nicely
fitting trousers.
$50 she did well, getting married on ac-
count of her industry?'
"Why, of course she was getting only
" .5O week, and she became the mistress
Of farm"
"Excuse me, but how much are you
worth now? confidentially, you know. /
am a. scientific man, and will never use
such facts to your injury with the asses
sor."
'sWell, professor, could crowd $50, ,000
pretty hard"
'That is good. How long have you been
married ?''
"Thirty years next Fourth of July. We
went down to Albany on a little teeter,
and l proposed the match and Jane was
willin'"
"How much do you suppose you have
made in the last thirty years ?''
s'Hum-um = lemme see. I got the
Davis farm the first ten years, then run
in debt for the Simmons place, got war
prices for my cheese, and squared up both
places. Well, 1 think 1 have cleared up
$50, 600 since we spliced."
''Very good, indeed. And your wife has
been a great help all this time ?''
"Oh, you bet ! She was rattler. She
took care of her baby and the milk for
twenty cows. tell you she made the tin
ware flop. Why, we have had feur chill
dren, and she never had hired girl over
six months in that time -
Splendid and you have cleared $780,
900 in that time?"
"Yes easy"
'Now, how much has your wife made2"
"She, why durn it, professor, she is my
wife,
II know it. But what has she made :?
You say she was poor when you married
her. Now, what has she made?"
''Why-by gum, you beat all. Why, she
is my wife and we own it all together"
''Do you? Then she can draw on your
bank account? Then she has horse and
carriage when she wants them? Then she
has servant maid when she wants one
Then she rides out for her health, as you do,
and has watch and chain of gold as you
have? Is that so?'
Professor you must be crazy. Nobody's
wife is boss in that shape. Whoever heard
of such a thing?''
"Now, look here. You say she did well
in marrying rich, and I cannot see it. If
she was getting $2.5 per week when you
married her, and had saved her wages, she
would have had now 5000. If she had in
vested it, she would have had $4,000. Now
you tell me she is broken down and used
up, and miserable, and looks so badly she
makes you sick, and she has No money, no
health, and will get probably nothing but
Scotch granite tombstone when she dies ?''
Professor, if you was younger man 1
would lick you quicker'n spring lamb can
jump thistle"
"What for? l am stating the case fairly,
am not? Your wife is no longer young
She is no longer handsome. Her hands are
as hard as local EDITORS cheek, and she
has stopped over milk can until she has
hump on her back like a peddler."
''Shut up, will you?''
''She has raised four children. One of
them is at college. One of them is taking
music lessons at Boston. The other two
are teaching school. She is at home alone,
going around in treadmill life, which will
end in a rosewood coffin and a first-class
country funeral"
''Stop that, professor, will you?"
s'While you are handsome man with
just enough gray in your whiskers to make
you look interesting. No doubt you have
been thinking of some nice young girl of
18 who would jump at the chance to marry
your thirty cows and twenty acres of
hops"
Professor, won't stay here if you
don't let up on that"
'tAnd your wife does not look we'll in that
new Watertown wagon, and SO you take
the hired man and neighbors' girls to meet
ing. Your wife never goes anywhere, so
you never give her watch like your own,
nor new silk dress, nor pony that she
could drive, nor basket ph@ton that she
could climb into without a ladder. She
never says anything, so you never have
and rubber, but she has got to gum it until
her nose is pushed up into her forehead
and her face wrinkles like burned boot
She never goes out, but she don't dye her
hair as you do yours, but it looks like a
milkweed pod gone to seed. She has to
work in the kitchen, 80 she gets no nice
teothpick shoes like yours, but goes clump-
ing around like sheep in dry goods
box.n
''Darn my skin if l don't"-
"No, you won't; you will just let her
work right along, and then you will marry
some high-fyer who will pull every hair
out of your head, and serve you right,
too"
Professor, for mercy's sake, STOP"
''When you know, and I know. that il
your wife had chance to rest, had nice
clothes like other women, she would be
one of the handsomest women in the
town.
ST swan, i believe it,"
"And, old as she is, if you were to get
out the carriage next Sunday and drive
around with the colts, and tell her you
wanted her to go to meeting with you, she
would actually blush with pleasure"
''Blamed if don't do it."
"Then, Monday, if you were to tell hel
you were going to hire girl and that she
must sit ia the sitting room by that new
nickel-plated coal stove and work on thai
new silk dress you are going to buy
her"-
professor, that's she."
'And then hand her nice wallet with
steel clasps and with five new $40 notes
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