The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1887-01-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

Auoual-lOr paflOr Skatlng! mo,
didn't It's champion medal; l can
spit furder than any man in the ward"
The Judge.
The Washington Navy-Yard has been
abolished. If this thing keeps on we
will not have more than one navy-yard
to each man-of-war.-Nes0R RaUen NeWS.
The man who invented the English
language must have been humorous
sort of chap. Otherwise he would never
have called servants ''help. ."-Somer-
C.tle Journal
Mamma-.'Why, Charley, what are
you crying forp" Charley (who has
eaten the only piece of pie on the plate,
while his brother Willie looked wlstful-
ly on)-" Cause they amt no pie for
for Willis. Life.
Captain-"Now. my man, are you
sure of your former employment when
yon rejoin the army reserve? OFlinn
Certain sure, sir" Captain-''What
employment was that my man?'
O'Flinn-..Lookln' for work, sir. u
Dublin Times.
Policeman-"Have you permit to
play here?'' Organ-grinder-'No; but
it amuses the little ones SO much.
Policeman-'Then you will have the
goodness to accompany me" VERY
well. sir. What do YOU wish to singP"
-Fiegeade Blaetter.
Professor-s.Next time, ladies. | will
bring to your acqu lintance one OF the
great men of the past. Delightful
young lady Ito her neighbor)-'i
should prefer to make the acquaintance
of ole of the young men who haven't
passed. yet. From the German.
Mrs. Jones-..l am told that your
husband is worth a good deal of money
in tho old country, Mrs. Macnamara."
Mrs 'srroth an be is,
ma'am. The government over there
will pay 5000 for Mac any day they
can lay their hands on him.>"-Lo'0eH
Ctttzca.
Polite tramp-"Will you oblige me
with II little vinegar and bit OF rag,
madam? I've bruised my heel" Lady
of the house-"Fm very sorry. but our
vinegar is all out; wouldn't little New
England rum do rs well?' Tramp-"I
don't know, but I'll try it, and-er--
never mind the rag. ."-tuck.
Jones Have you seen the Smiths
lately, BrownP Brownies, passed
their house the other day, and had a
chat with old Smith, Jones-How are
they doing? Brown-Very poorly. I'm
afraid. Jones-Indeed! What makes
you think so? Brown-Well, they have
just got another dog!-Bosto'a Courier.
Manager-..Wnat is the meaning of
this item, For hardware, $780, in your
expense account?" Travelling man
..Let me see Hardware hardware.
o. yes; that is for poker. | thought 1t
better to tone it down a little by gen.
eraiizng. 1t isn't well to be too speci-
fic about some things. .''-Psttsburg DIS
Patch.
..Gimme couple O. tickets fer the
show" said countryman at the box
Office. Yes, sir; for the family circle?''
.-Shr' warned the countryman, and
then he whispered: mo. not fer the
family G. rcle. You see I've only been
married bout four hours, Mister: Jest
put US in 'mong the young folks. -
life.
Respectable citizen ga m)-This is
simply outrageous! Another theatrical
scandal interesting developments
promised!" It's time the theatcr was
abolished altogether! Respectable citi-
zen e u. m)-Gimmc "a seat way down
Al WhfsS
time does the '.march of the Amazons"
beginP-Pucs.
DIR. X. loses his wife and he goes to
the marblecutter's to order monument.
He selects an expensive model. but de-
mands a reduction in the price. The
seller objects, but finally consents with
the remark: .'Well, let it 60 at that.
But remember it is only to you. because
you send US SO many good customers. -
French Fam.
Mrs. Greene-Timothy. what have
you done with the letter that was lying
on the bureauP timothy put it into
the letter-box. mann. Mrs Go!
provoking! Didn't you see there was no
address on the envelope? Timothy
Yes, mann; but | thought yer didn't
want nobody to know who you was
writin' to.-LJe.
Restaurant proprietor Ito cheD-"I'm
AFRAID you have put too much veal in
this chicken salad, Napoleon" Chef
''It is all veal, sir. Shall put in lit
tie chickcnP" Restaurant proprietor
''NO, certainly not. Put in some feath-
ers, and if any guest says veal to me I'll
ask him if he eyer saw a calf with
wings Life.
A Washington dentist says that a man
who is brave in battle is apt to be a
coward in n dentists chair. This shows
the effect of pride. A man on battle.
field has large number of witnesses
about him, while in dentists chair he
is practically alone. 1t is not hard to
be brave when the eyes of the world are
on you. hut in solitude most men are
towards.
A private letter from Albert Edward
tells me that he is coming over next sea-
son as manager of blonde burlesque
company. II expect to make big
money" he writes, Il shall demand go
per cent of the gross receipts from all
who wish TO engage me. Ma thinks
ought to make 95. but l don't want tc
appear grasping. Love to all the folks. ,
It'd Bits
..Aurelia, have you heard about those
southern girls who formed a club Il
boycott the young men who came tt
visit them and never took them to th,
theaters?" Aurelia-"Yes, l know al
about 1t. We girls have the same kline
of a club How does it work?'
doesn't work at all. and we feel Sc
badly over it." "The young men per
sist in c;llling?" mo. They stay away
the wretches!' Philadelphia Call
Mrs. Mushby-I met Mrs. Motherwel
this afternoon. What tedious thin.
she Is! Forever talking about the baby
you know. Martha-But aunt-nov
don't be cross; did it ever occur to yo,
that Mrs. Motherwell might think you
grain tiresome when you get talkin,
about Rover? Mrs. Mushby-That'
an entirely different thing. A dog is s.
interesting, you know.-Boston Iiost.
MARY, suppose you sing something.
20, it's 50 late. Charlie; I'm afraid
will wake every one." That's to
bad." exclaimed Charlie. with every ap
pearance of distress. But why do yo
want me to sing, dear?" she tenderl
inquired. ''Why. you see," he replied
"a fellow owe $5 to has been waitin
outside all the evening for me, and
thought maybe if you'd sing little he
60 away" -Ptttsbarg Dispatch.
"Does your wife ever pay you an
compliments" asked Frederick Jimsol