St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-07-31
ALLEGED AMERICAN FUN.
ouips and Quirks Scissored from
COnteMPoraneO Literature.


Life.
Doctor" said an old lady, ''my hus-
band is that nervous that don't know what
to make of it,
''In what way does he manifest this
nervousness"
well. every time the front door bell
rings he bursts button Off his vest [
think he ought to have dose OF medicine. ="
Medicine won't do him any good, ma
dam. Nature and his creditors will have
to take their course"
A TINE FOR TEARS.
Tib-Bits.
A genuine soaker was following the re-
mains of his mOther-iIi-law to their last
resting place. He wept copiously.
''COme! GOMEZ" urged an old crony who
met the funeral procession; ''be man,
don't take on like that; you're making a
regular water-spout of yourself"
''Ah, my poor old boy, how can
h-h-h-elp it? It's the f-f-f-irst t-t-t-tme
we've gone out t-t-t-together w-w-w-With-
out q-q-q-quarrellingW
HE HOLDS THE FENCE.
Detroit Free Press
Several weeks ago a Detroiter purchased
piece of land in the west end of the county
After the purchase had been completed he
engaged surveyors services to see if he
had been cheated. The discovery was made
| that line fence was over Oh his land eight
inches. When he went to the owner of the
| adjoining property with the statement the
| man replied
Stranger, the row about that fence be-
| gan twenty-eight years ago. 1t was then
| five over the line, and the two men int and
| 9TH
crippled. After a while it was moved a
foot and then two other owners fit and fit
until the lawyers got the two farms The
fence was then moved another foot, and the
two new owners spent half the year in jaw
ing each other and the other half in having
One died and the other got sold out OH a
mortgage, and when l got this farm the
! fence was moved over another foot Then
| l tit and tit, and two years ago was kicked
| in the ribs and laid up for three months
During that time the fence was moved to
the present line. So it's still Oh your
land?"
Yes
well, suppose the proper thing is a
row. If you'll go out to the barn with your
revolver. I'll come out and hunt for YOU
with the shotgun. If you get the drop on
me don't let go, because L shall shoot to
KILL"
1t took the Detroiter some time to con-
vince the farmer that he didn't care for eight
inches OF land, and that he wouldn't have
the fence moved for $50, and when he sue
ceeded the old man drew a long breath of
relief, and replied:
THAT'S kind of you. and it leaves my
boys chance to fit and fit after I'm gone.
l hope you amt coming out here to live
alongside O. me?"
''No"
''Glad ont. If you lease, git some man
who'll want them other eight inches. The
| boys and 1 is lonesome for excitement
RIPPLEs.
A man must not expect to live in clover
| slmgly because he marries grass widow.
| Four of the five saloons at Washington,
| ILL.,, are owned by women. Women are
| rapidly fitting themselves for political du-
| ties in anticipation of the time when they
| shall achieve the ballot.
| Do not laugh at the gentleman with a
| bare poll, my son, It is not nearly so bad
| to have head that is bald on the outside
as to have head that is bald OH the inside.
In view of the possibility of war over
| the fishery dispute, brave men who feel
satisfied with the laurels they won during
| the rebellion would do well to be looking
| up their Old substt utes
Grandpa" said Teddy, as the old gen
tleman woke up from loud-sounding after
dinner nap, IF you would give your nose
a spoonful of paregoric, don't you think
you could put it to sleep, too?"
EYES," said Boss, Il have great respect
for the memory of my old friend Jones'"
Brown-'I wasn't aware that Jones was
| dead and if [ remember rightly you and he
| have not been on the best of terms for the
| last year or two" Boss-''That's just the
reason | have such strong respect for his
memory. He knows SO many things about
me, you know; and, confound him he never
forgets."