The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1886-04-01

take occasion ut this time to ask the
American people as one man. what are we
! to do to prevent the spread of the most in
sidious and disaereeable disease known as
hydrophoba? When q fellow-being has
to be smothered, as was the case the other
day right here in our fair land, land where
tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged
n chain, we look anxiously into each others
faces and inquire, what shall we do?
Shall we go to France at great expense
and fiji our systems full of dog virus and
then return to our glorious land where we
may fork over that virus to posterity and
thus mix up French hydrophobia with the
navy blue blood of free born American
citizens?
| wot not.
If knew that would be my last wot /
would not change it. That is just wot it
would be.
But again.
What shall we do to avoid getting i'm
pregnated with the American dog and then
saturating our systems with the alien dog
of Paris?
| 1t is a serious matter. and if we do not
want to play the Desdemona act We must
| take some timely precautions. What must
those precautions be?
| Did it ever occur TO the average thinking
iullu tIlut VIC uilRut bNluttLt ulOuk IOT
weeks without dog? Whole families have
existed for years after being deprived of
dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land.
They go on comfortably through life and
die ut last with unanimous consent of their
hehs dogless.
Then why can not the poor gradually taper
off on dogs? They ought not to stop oil of a
sudden; but they could leave off dog ut a
time until Mt last they overcame the per-
nicious habit. l saw man in st. Paul last
week who was once poor, and so owned
seven variegated dogs. He was confirmed in
the habit. But he summoned all his will
power at last and said he would shake off
those dogs and become a man. He did so,
and to-day he owns city lot in st. Paul,
and seems to be the picture of health.
The trouble about maintaining q dog is
that he may 60 on for years in quiet, gem
tlemanly way, winning the regard of all who
know him, and then all of q sudden he NAV
hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not
only that, but he may do SO while we have
company. He may also bite our twins or
the twins of our warmest friends. He may
bite US now and We may laugh at it. but
in five years from now, while we may be
delivering q humorous lecture, We may
burst forth into the audience and bite
beautiful young lady in the parquet on the
ear.
1t is solemn thing to think Of, fellow
citizens, and l appeal to those who may
read this, as q man who may not live to see
satisfactory political reform-I appeal to
you To refrain from the dog. He is purely
ornamental. We may love good dog,
but we ought TO love our children more. 1t
would be very, very noble and expensive
dog that would agree TO feed with my only
son.
/ know that we gradually become at
tached to a good dog, but some day he may
become attached TO us, and what can be
sadder than the sight of a leading citizen
drawing reluctant mad-dog down the
street by main strength and the seat of his
pantaloons? Il mean his own, not the
dogs pants. This joke will appear in book
form in April. The book will be very reas-
sonable, and there will be another joke in
it also.) have said good deal about the
dog. pro and con, aud am not rabid dog
abolitionist, for no one loves to have his
clear cut features licked by the warm, wet
tongue of noble dog any more than do;
but rather than see hydrophobia become
national char icteristic or leading indus
try here, would forego the dog.
Perhaps oil men are that way, however.
When they get little forehanded they for
get that they were once poor, and owned
dogs. II so, do not wish to be unfair.
Let us yield up our dogs and take the affec-
ton that we would otherwise bestow on
them and lavish it upon some human be-
ing. / have tried it and it works we'll.
There are thousands of people in the world,
of both sexes. who are pining and starving
for the love Of money that we daily shower
on Che dog.
If the dog would be kind enough to re-
frain from introducing his justly celebrated
virus into the persons of those only who
refuse to kiss him on the moist, cold nose,
it would Lee all ri yht; but when dog goes
mad he is very impulsive, and he may be-
stow himself on an obscure man. So l
feel little nervous myself. BILL NYE.