Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1886-05-13
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MIRTH AND INCREMENT.


MIRTH AND INCREMENT.
A lady said the other day at friends
dinner table-at which she found sew
eral strangers seated-in response TO o
remark made about certain lady of
uncertain age: "Why, good gracious,
she is as old as the hillsl' and could
not imagine In the least what had
caused the general CONSERVATION. She
did little later, however, when it was
to her that two maiden sis
ters at the table, whose name she did
not catch in the introduction, were
called Hill, and were extremely sensi-
tive on the subject of age.
By the Champion Mean One.-In
laying away Christmas cards for use
next year, be careful to put faint
pencil mark on the envelope TO indi-
cate who was the donor. 1t Is very
embarrassing, In sending out these
dainty reminders of the joyous season,
TO make mistake and return the card
to the person who sent it to you the
year before. A little care will prevent
all such annoying blunders, and the
marks can be easily rubbed out if you
are careful to make them light and to
use soft pencil.
"Do you ever think, George, DEAR"
she said, and her voice was soft and
low, as beftted the perfect beauty of
the night, "how closely true happiness
Is allied with tears?" ~ don't believe
! ever do" replied George. Eyes"
she went on, looking up into his face,
when one is truly and wholly happy,
there is little to divide a smile and a
tear" That's fact" said George,
"but / never thought of 1t before.
There's nothing but the nose."
81 don't like that carpet at all, ;" said
Laura, land II won't have it. The
figure is too dresdfully small I"
''Small" shrieked Tom. his eyes start
ing out of his head. Figure too small
at 81. 10 a yardl Well, it's big enough
for my salary, and not cent over that
do go If we walk on bare floors all
our lives" And when she told him
what a goose he was, he looked about
forty per cent. cheaper than the plain
est piece of rag carpet on the top shelf
A man in Ohio, well mounted, was
urging drove of fat pigs toward De-
troit, and met charming lot Of little
girls as they were returning from
school; when one of them, as she
passed the ''swinish multitude"
made a pretty courtesy. my little
GIRL" said the man, "why do you
make a courtesy to whole drove of
hogsi' ''Oh, sir" said she, with a
most provoking smile, ~ only courte-
sy to the one on horseback"
"Why don't you trade with me?"
said close listed warehouseman to an
acquaintance the other day. BE
cause" was the Characteristic reply,
"you have never asked me, sir. l
have looked all through the news
papers for an invitation, in the shape
of an advertisement, but in vain. |
never 60 where am not wanted"
"Have you ever had any experience
sir?" asked the dramatic agent, who
was about to book an applicant. Eyes,
sir. l used to play the leading part in
uncle Toms Cabin" "The leading
part, sir? What part do you mean by
that?" "Why, sir, / was the man
who had to lead on the dogs" His
name was not taken.
$50 you went to the circus, Mary?"
ooh, yes, and enjoyed myself very
much.'' ibid you see the kangaroo
in the menagerie~ II did, and felt
sorry for it. Poor thing, it is dying,
into your heads" 1.-The way it acted.
When l saw it, it seemed to be on its
last legs
Mrs. Homespun: "Our John is the
greatest fellow to put off you ever
saw" Mrs Blank: He procrasti-
mates, chr" Mrs. Homespun ooh,
dear, mol l don't think John would
do anything so bad as that. He only
puts everything off. That's the worst
that ever heard anybody say abOu,
him.
"You and the children had better &c
out for good time to-day" said man
to his wife. II shan't be home until
tea time" In the evening papa asked
the children where they had been all
day, and they responded in mournful
chorus: CAT the milliner's."
Mistress Ito waitress): GLOW is
this JaneP We have but two chops"
Jane: "1f you please, ma'am, Bridget
says as how you didn't order enough
meat for both tables, and it gives hel
sick headache to do with less thar
three chops for her lunch.
"Why, Allie, dear, is that the way
to begin your dinner?" asked the
mother of her little daughter, as she
began the pie instead of the potatoes
with gravy. swell, l declare NAM
ma, | was going to eat my dinner up.
side down, wasn't II"
"Does your wife talk in her sleep?'
asked one married man of another,
one day when they were comparing
notes. 81 don't lay awake to hear, u
replied the heartless husband: 'bul
she talks all the rest of the time, SO ]
rather guess she does"
"You have played the deuce with
my heart, 'said a gentleman to young
lady who was his partner in game OF
whist. "Well," replied the lady with
an arch smile, ''it was because you
played the knave."
A recent song has the following re-
frain: "Oh, hug mo closer, closer
STILL" OF course there are frequent
rests, to give q fellow chance TO com