The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1886-12-10
The Crank Of Cranks.

From the Pittsburg Commercial Gazette.
"Of all cranks," said Patent Solici-
tor Rees "the patent crank is the
worst, he is incurable. A quiet, staid
man, probably q hard working farm
er, will so soberly along until some
day he will discover some pressing ne
cessity. Then he goes to work and
evolves something wild, visionary and
impracticable; he works on the model
in fear and trembling lest it should be
seen, regards his neighbors with suspi.
cion, grows nervous and never sleeps
until it is finished. Then off herushes
to patent Office to secure the benefit
OF his unparalleled invention After
he once secures q patent, he is incura-
bic, gets out patents on every possible
subject, and finally ruins himself with
out ever getting cent fer his trouble.
More curious people come for patents
than can be imagined. One day an old
farmer came into the Office with a
large basket on his arm. He said,
Where is the patent MANI?
ttlhl j WIS lllG llldlNll-
ual. He looked at mesuspiciously for
moment and said: Young man,
you look powerfully youthful for a
patent lawyer. DO you understand
the businessp informed him of my
many years experience. He then got
up, closed the door, let down the cur
tain over the window, and said L
have the most wonderful invention OF
the nineteenth century 1t will bring
down upon my head the blessings OF
all the people in the United States
"Then he opened the basket, took
out a large roll OF calico, n pair OF
| shoes for his wife. q suit for his boy,
and there at the bottom of the basket
lay a miniature churn. There it is,
young mani | said there seemed to
be no difference between it and any or
dinary churn and washer. Now,
young man, you know what difficulty
it is to secure q good washer for clothes
have tried them all-there must
by sixteen or seventeen different ma
chimes, amt there? Well, the cheap
est of them is about S14, and now by
q simple invention OF mine, person
is enabled to secure churn, and for
the slight sum OF twenty-five cents
more, he can have a washer also. |
will sell the seat S1O.25.' Let us see,
said. There are about 3O,OOO,0OO
families in the United States, every fam
lily will want one OF your patents, and
| probably want % new one every three
years. so during the run OF the patent
10000, 900 OF them will be sold. They
will probably cost you twenty-five
cents, and so you will gain in ten years
a clear profit OF $500, 100000. Why,
you will be the richest man in the
world
1.-The old man began to grow exited,
his hands trembled and his eyes grew
larger. Let us see this wonderful IN
vention,' said. He took it out and
showed an ordinary churn, with little
knobs on the bottom OF the dasher,
so that in cleaning clothes these little
knobs would rub against each other
and clean out the dirt. Yes said,
that is the grandest invention in the
world. You had better take it tc
some lawyer who has more experience
than l, because probably could not
do it Justice That's what l think
myself, said the old farmer, and he
bundled it up and went out.
Then again | had man come in
who had put a sliding panel in the
head OF q bed so that it was impos
sible for the heads of the two sleepers
to touch. He said it would be O
great service to nurses, as they couId
lie with a sick man and not catch the
disease from his breath. Also when s
man comes home drunk he could pul
out the panel and his wife would not
smell the liquor.
"In sending in an application for 6
patent it is customary to describe the
evils proposed to be remedied anC
how the invention will obviate them
Now, young man. he said, L want 6
darn fine send-off for this patent
Make it nice, will not stand on mon
ey, only make something fine tried
once and he did not like it; again, an6
still it did not please him.
"tThen got mad and began in thi:
wise, when it may happen that som,
pestilential disease, some contagiou!
affection to which the human race i:
heir, may come like an unexpected
thing, striking down in the prime O
life the noblest OF our human kind il
sickness; and also since the days o
the Grecian gods all mankind has in
dulged in the flowing bowl
"And on l went. gushing for pages
This pleased him very much, and h
sent it on to Washington. In fev
days a letter came saying that tn,
preamble was too long and life too
short to be able to peruse it; and NOR
than that, it would keep all the prna
ers in Washington setting up paten
notices ii many inventors sent sucl
descriptions.
81 had man who had discovered
perpetual motion and didn't know it
There is considerable difficulty in run
ming a stamping-m in some parts O
the country from lack Of fuel or waite
j. power. This man came to me ant
said he had figured that it took six
man power to run one stamp. Now,
said he, 4 have arranged a rock shat
and on the eend q large pendulum, will
which, by having two men stand ant
keep it vibrating, l can generate sui
ficient force to run five stamps
Let us see,' said. You can gen
crate power enough torun five stamps
Well, then, with only four stamps yo1
would have six-man's power left
Now, you could fix some shafts AM
utilize two-mans power to run th
pendulum, and then have four-man
power LETT
"'Why, that is perpetual motion,
he said