Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1886-09-23
HUMOROUS.
SOME DASHEs OF WIT AND BITS
OF HUMOR.
Patrons Of Husbandry-Wives.

What is more chilling to the ardent
lover than the beautifuls no?
1t tseems little strange that when
we are tired we can best rest by retir-
ing.
Office Is like whiskey-when a man
gets a taste of 1t once he forever after
has hankering for it.
There was quite q coincidence at
my house last night" Indeed. What
was it9" "Twins."
A grocer advertises something new
in coffee" We are glad that beans
have had their day anyway.
An advertisement in Swiss paper
says: Wanted, a servant who knows
how to cook and take care of children"
There is nothing sweeter than kisses.
excepting when you look in through
the window and see the other fellow
getting them.
Husband-"That fence wants paint
ing badly. l think I'll do it myself"
Wife" Yes, do it yourself, if you think
1t wants to be done badly"
Mexico is still sunk in barbarism.
Seventy bushels of corn to the acre is
the average yield, and not pint of
good whiskey in the republic.
The force of habit is so great that
/ should any one go into New Haven
store and buy it entire, the proprietor
would ask, Anything else today"
Mrs. Murphy-"I say, Pat, what
would yez do if the onld house would
tumble on ye2 and crush yez to death 2"
Pat" Faix, Tdy fly for me loife."
A Denver paper devotes twenty-four
columns of space to negro murderer
who was hanged there last week. The
sheriff let him off with a single line.
Easy and pleasing lessons in punctua-
ton" Dear aunt, | should Certainly
nave been with you had | been well:
even now am in great pain while /
write with my nose."
A Lynn man who saw country board
advertised by a Maine farmer wrote to
him, inquiring what kind of a table
he set The answer came promptly
"a mahogany extension"
A betting man sat and watched with
interest and excitement the perpetra-
ton of violin and piano duet. "a
dead heat, by Jovep he exclaimed, as
both instruments wound up at the
same time.
After all, some Of our proverbs are
pretty correct. at is better to make
hay when the sun Shines" 1t would be
very awkward going about after dark
trying to hold a candle and swing q
scythe at the same time. Z.
/ Alpine tourist to guide-"It YOU
were to dee me fall down this frIghtfu'
precipict it would give you a grea
shock, would it not?" Guide-aNot
at all. have collected my fee of you
in advance"
eyes, am opposed to girls marvin
furriners," said old Mrs. Sipes. "Im
Just that opposed to it that If my girls
can't marry people of their own sex
they needn't marry at all, and that's
all about it."
1t was summer; and Long Branch.
lie came there; we met. He was
handsome and hasty, and q coquette.
lie proposed; | refused him. / loved
him. But then, / thought-don't you
SeerEhe would ask me again. But he
didn't!
He was o Hebrew candidate, and
addressing his constituents, com
menced: "Circumstanced as / am"
whena voice from the crowd, by way
of encouragement shouted: All right:
circumcised as you are, get along, old
man."
Outside a miners tent in Idaho a
red-shlrted man was looking for his tin
cup. Not finding it, he observed: "Som
internal thief has stolen my cup
Then, thrusting his head into the tent.
he asked: "Any of you gentlemen go.
laura" said Mrs. Parvenue, on the
hotel piazza, to her daughter, "Laura.
go and tell the leader of them Orches-
tras to. play that sympathy from
Meddlejohn over again. It's such an
awful favorite of mine and your fathers.
tool'
"But where are the nine?' was the
text taken by Brooklyn minister las
Sunday. The chances are, dear brothel
that while you were propounding til,
earnest question they were out in somc
fiat and open field trying to wax some
other nine.
A little bit of girl living near one of
the cities ran to her mother from tn
roadside with some early spring bloom
In her hands, and full of the outsid
glow, exclaimed: "0h, mamma, how
nice 1t is to live where somebody
doesn't own everything
A lady uptown painted q plaque in
the most exquisite manner and ex-
pressed 1t to n friend. Soon after z
note of acknowledgment came, h.
which the lady stated that at i,
altogether too nice tosuse every day. SO
/ only use 1t for bread plate when we
have company"
| A lady visiting Mrs. Peterby asked
her daughter Mamie" How are you
coming on with your music" "Ol.
first rate replied Mamie. "Makia
much progressp" Lots Of it. A fcy
months ago ! couldn't keep up wit.
the teacher and now she can't keep III
with me-"
"Where do flies come FRONT" queru
lously demands old Mr.. Gunnybags
waving his hands frantically over h
tormented head. "Thdt isn't the que
tion." replied his equally tormente
partner; "when are they going back
again, that's what / am very anxious
to know"
| at is very singular thing" said r
| tailor's apprentice to his master as IL
latter was pressing bobtail cots
"that the less there is of some thin
the more there is.' how can that be Z
said the tailor. "Why, there's tha.
bobtail coat the less you make the
| tail the more bob 1t is.'
Lodger to chambermaid--"M Mary
| this is the stillest house ever was n
The landlord and his wife must li,.
hkeangels In heayea together; Ihavpis
heard one single as 'l,id since I've he
i lera" Mary --'' ,4l'S all vary NJ