The Wilmingtonian., 1886-11-06
A Painful Editorial Career.

turn for advertising space. Besides its hu-
NOR the sketch contains moral for country
editors, and that is Never accept truck that
you have no use for in exchange for your ad-
Vertisng space, If you don't want the poor
house to stare you in the face. Here is MIR.
Ways article:
My name is Archimedes Hardpan. Un-
til recently was editor OF the Wuy5ack horn
Of Plenty. My journalistic career was short,
sad and painful. am now brooding o'er
the painful past. have so much painful
past to brood DER that haven't time to do
much else.
LET the frivolous and trihing pause here
and turn to anothercolumn. There remarks
are not for them. They are for those who
can weep couple of tears over my painful
past.
"My wife's name is Maria. She is a
woman of an economical turn of mind aud
great force of character. In her domestic
walks, waste nothing, is her maxim, and
her constant efforts to have me help her
''waste nothing" have been the cause of
much of my painful past.
"The advertising patrons of the Horn Of
Plenty paid me mainly in sad-irons, CORK
screws, garden seeds, health food and var
ety of other things which Congress has thus
far neglected to make a legal tender. In
this respect my paper was truly Horn OF
Plenty. 1t was more of the nature of hol-
low horn.
My first advertising contract yielded me
dozen liver pads. l tried to trade them to
the grocer for piece of bacon, which,
thought, would give my liver more joy than
pad, but he looked at me coldly and said
that liver pads had gone out of style. When
| Maria found them on my hands she insisted
that should wear them, and when Maria in.
ssts then usually give in to save trouble
aud loud talk. For twelve weeks wore 8
large, scarlet-trimmed pad over an innocent
and well-behaved liver. Tben Maria gav,
the cast-otf pads to the local benevolent so
ciety for the poor.
My next important contract brought mt
an artificial leg. That rather stumped Maria
as we were both fully supplied with legs
The old wooden limb caused her a great dea
of mental pain. Sometimes she seemed t,
almost wish would lose leg somehow o
other, SO that the artificial limb could b.
turned to use. knew that she W as grievin.
herself sick because | couldn't wear it AM
wouldn't try. oft found her weeping o'e
the old unavailing leg, and was sorry ha,
told her anything about it. She worre,
over IL for months and then bright de
struck her. She sent it to dear relative OF
the OCCASION 4.af -hsE- %aqden wedding. Tb,
dear e,atve had full ssst-oEle be
own, but Maria said that did not matter, "a
an anniversary gift was not valued for it
usefulness, but IOr the giver
Then travelling agent traded me a cas-
of horse powders That sort of health foo
nonplussed Maria for time, as we had N
horse to feed them to. She often gazed o.
} me IN way that seemed to say | ought t,
end her perplexity by taking the health foo
myself, but SHE did not speak out, and wa
glad. Alter some months ventured to asl
about the horse powders and then Maria tol,
me frankly she had mixed them in my grid
die cakes, and that had seemed to like then
thus, She couldn't think of having them g
to waste, she said, and as | complained s
much about taking any little thing OF tina
sort, she had decided to smuggle them int
me in disguise
Il had another short respite from keepin!
things from going 20 waste, when mustart
plaster maker sent me six dozen Of bis big
gest and strongest plasters, with reunes
for write-up.
! "Dear Archimedes, said Maria, with {
, tender look at me, we cannot afford to vast
these excellent plasters. You must let m
put several of them on You every night. 4
man of your build and habits is liable /,
) have some sort of sickness at a moment
| These six dozen mustard plasters may say
your lifc.'
81 kicked, but to no purpose. | went t
bed with six or seven large, warm, thrilling
mustard plasters stuck about here and ther
on my person. There was one on each foot
large one covered my gothic backbone an
another warmed itself in my bosom. 1t ais
warmed my bosom. When all these shop
made mustard pasters got to work the
made things lively for poor old Archimede
Hardpan. They filled me full of intense ex
, element | am tough old fossil, but
couldn't stand great deal of that sort d
thing, so I rose up in bed with a wild, blood
chilling war-whoop and filled the air wit
mustard plaster.
81 sold the Horn Of Plenty soon after tina
last painful event. Maria has given thos
vigorous, thrilling mustard plasters to til
missionary society to send 10 the heather
and when the heather adorns himself wit
nine or ten of them and a stovepipe hat, an
goes to church with trumphal air, sha
want to hear how he depprts himself an
therefore, anxiously Awaiting advices fror
the heather. | don't know the heather, bu
| am well acquainted with those mustar
plasters."
2 Care of the Eyes
! Keen a shade ON yOur lamp or GAS I'm. MOI