West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1886-05-14
SMART ALECKS.
Glass OF People who Have No Use for
Their Homo Papers

Their Home Papers.
One style of man finds his local pa
per too high-priccd hc can get certain
papors -four times a> large for half the
money Tie usually takes the weekly
edition of the New York tIrruitv. CON
tanning two hundred columns of New
Jersey snake stories and reports of the
cotton market for reading matter and
twice as many columns of patent mcdi-
cine and prize package advertisements.
This man prefers to read the advcr-
uscmcnts, not because of their SUI
perior literary merit but because the
type is larger He is one of these kind
of men who does not read the common,
domestic English language that the
Puritms brought over i'm the Plyp,outh
Rock with as much ease aS hC rtght.
lie grapplCS quite successfully with the
second reader brand where the large
words have been all sorted out but
throws up both hands when he comes
Go where the language is taken iust a, il
comes rs in this family journal llQmay
bc on quite intimate terms personally
with each individual member Of The al
phabct but whore they get together in
groups of over six hc finds that he does
not recognize the combination. There
are so many words mixed with the mat
ter i'm his local paper that. contain more
than six letters that il makes very dis
iointcd reading for bipy. ,Is the New
York sheet il is different: the same
matter appears about so often and he
has rather got the hang of it, Every
sin months brings the same question
about how to cure bone SPAWN with
the old regulation answer. Tho same
old snake legends crop out. the same
directions for laying the foundation for
a gooScberry pie, the same leading cd
itorlal on moral suasion rs factor i'm
weaving calves, the same anecdotes of
Benjamin Franklin, the same ground
plans for an improved pig trough that
the swine cant get their feet in An
editor with an under jaw like Il gang
plank sits in the Office and makes up
the paper from the old files year after
year
That the kind of newspaper the
man gets who thinks his home paper is
too expensive. He takes il till at last
his wife gets a divorce and his children
move of in the direction of the tall
timber
How this man must love week after
week, from July to eternity, to wade
through this Kind of matter Never a
word about his own town or even his
own state! While the local paper notes
the fact that he marketed spring s
turkey that weighed forty-scven
pounds ON foot. this New York gather
ing OF gloom is talking about introduc-
ing domestic fowls in the Dried Mis-
sionary Islands
When this man is at last frozen
to death, his home paper, despite the
fact that hc never took il, will de
vote IL column in telling Of his many
virtues and the editor will ruin his last
chance of salvation by saying that the
deceased will be greatly missed while
the New York SOi0r System. if it men
tons it at all, will do so like this: IAN
unknown man pcrishcd i'm the recent
storm near Waddlcton, Dacotah Terri
tory. He was rather weak minded and
was under the influence Of frontier
whisky at the time.
The man who stops his local paper
alleges many reasons but this is the
manner of him who does it because the
big Eastern messenger of misery is
cheaper. EstcitiRc Cd. T. Bell.