Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-10-07
MARVELLOUS INVENTION.
Tho "sMarried Mans Indicator Mschinl
for Domestic Use.

/
Tho married Mans Indicator Machins
for Domestic Use.
The latest genius who has applied for
patent is the man who has invented
what is known as .sThe Mrrried Mans
Indicator" It is wonderful, sensitive
arrangement of the ordinary Their
| mometer in convenient pocket size, and
is graded to a scale of cabalistic marks,
which show the exact state of the do
nestle atmosphere at any hour of the
| night. He takes out the Indicator,
thrusts it in the key-hole. and lets it re-
main there a few seconds. Pulling it
out quickly, he scans the dial by the
moonlight's fitful cleaning If it
marks IS. Al (sound asleep), the poor
husband pulls off his boots noiselessly;
uses the night-key with bated breath;
gives the door quick pull, to keep it
from creaking; steals trembling to bed.
and when his dear wiley wakes up about
two seconds afterward and wants to
know how long he has been home, he is
sound asleep. If the indicator scores
IA. A. c., B. D. X. w. T." (awake,
awful cross, but does not know what
time it is), the husband puts few
more grains of coffee in his mouth,
opens the door boldly and walks
in with a slam-bang air, hits his
boot Intentionally against chair. wants
to know why the deuce chairs don't
keep out of his way, gets desperately
mad ON general principles, scares his
wife clean out of her crossness and cur
tain lectures. and refuses to let her get
up and strike match-never did like a
light at night, nohow-remarks gruffiy
10 4 \,
about twenty minutes after ten" and
then turns into bed with such an appar.
ent awful state of mind that the wife of
his bosom is afraid to speak to him, at
which he is very sad, of course.
There are other marks on the indica-
tor showing just where it will do to
play the ''lodge dodge" or the ''sick
friend" or .'been standing on the cor
ner talking to so-and-so for more than
an hour or General or Honorable
this Or that from you know where was
in town and had to go on the two
o'clock train, and he insisted SO strong
ly that the whole party stayed up to see
him off, although he was great bore.
and we only did it through courtesy"
But the most awful of all the cabalistio
signs on the dial is the one at the top,
about two marks above boiling point
When the weary husband comes home
about four o. clock a. m. from the direc-
ton of the butcher shop, with roll OF
meat held high in the air so that every
one he passes can not fail to see it, and
sticks the indicator in the keyhole, he is
almost too weak to draw it out. With
hair on end he reads it by the faint
light streaming in upon him from over
the Eastern hills, and sweat breaks out
on his noble brow in drops as large as
walnuts, as he sees the bulb of the in
doctor damned smack up against "R.
II. S. w. +. Y. /. T. d." (red-hot, still
waiting for you inside the door, The
inventor of the instrument says that
when man has this terrible misfortune
to overtake him he feels that there is
nothing left in life worth living for.
He sings the meat out into the yard
and braces himself for the coming fray,
but says nothing. for nothing can be
said. Be he ever so gifted liar, his 40
complishment is more than valueless.
No lodge, no sick friend, no talking on
the corner, no sitting up to see the Cen
eral off, no swearing that he will never
do it again-in fact, nothing will pre-
vail It is an indefensible case.
He is caught. Even the CHASTITY gay
ETY. with which two hours previous he
had said to the boys he guessed he would
see it out, ''might as well be killed for a
sheep as lamb" had all vanished. The
indicator having told him the exact state
of things, he knows exactly what to do,
and that is nothing but to get in bed at
once and wrap the drapery of his couch
about him, pull the pillow over his ears
and wait for his wife's breath to give
out. It's awful while it lasts, but it has
its use in relieving the unfortunate hus-
band of his great load of anxiety. The
indicator is a great invention. Colonel
Montgomery will allow it to go through,
if possible. Washington Cor. 81. PaaI
Dispatch.