Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1886-04-23
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A HOPELESS MINORITY the
Rev. Henry Ward Beecher's many &C
complishments, not the least is his ability
as story teller. To much amused listen
ers he recently told this one about New
York drummer: A typical "knight of
the grip sack" was detained at small
town in Western New York awhile ago,
where a revival meeting twas in progress.
He had met party of conviviaI friends
during his stay there. and had what is pop
ularly known as ''a load on" Nevertheless
he drifted into the revival meeting and took
a seat well up in the front. 1t was rather
close in the church and the warm air was
conducive to sleep. The drummer yielded
to the drowsy god, after nodding little
sank into profound slumber. and slept
through the ministers rather long and
dry discourse, The audience sang hymn
and the drummer slept on. Then the
evangelist began bis address; and wound
up his fervid appeal with this request:
w Ill OLA VI yOu WIN WoAV w ko w
heaven, please rise."
Every one in the church except the
sleepy drummer arose. When the Evan
gelist asked them to be seated one of the
brothers in the same pew as the sleeping
drummer accidentally brushed against
MIN as he sat down. The drummer rubbed
his eyes. and partially awake, heard the
last portion of the Eyangelist's request,
which was:
"Now want all of you who want to 60
to hell to stand ups
The drummer struggled little, leaned
forward unsteadily, and rose from his seat
In a daZed sort of way. A sort of sup
pressed laugh he heard from some of the
younger people, and an expression of hor-
ror he noticed on the faces of some of the
older ones. Steadying himself against The
rail he looked at the Evangelist and H.
slant and then said:
well, parsou, don't know just exact
~ what we're voting on, but you and
seem to be in a hopeless minority
PRIZES FOR BASE BALL PLAYERS
DURINa 1886. For losing an ear, ap-
pointment as Usher II the grand stand.
A broken finger Joint, lay of until it is
skin from one elbow "a steal
ing a base, promise Of an increase in sala
y, both elbows. two promises.
Getting second on a long slide (base
aaent Of pants must remain intact, auto
graph of managers.
For having wire from mask driven into
the skull half an inch, loud applause from
direc tors; for getting killed, set Of resolu-
lions, without frame, to relatives.
For twisting the ankle in trying tt
make an impossible play, monkey
wrench; it will be found useful imple-
llent in such cases.
Bruising the shins, the right to rub
them.
For losing the sight of the eyes in trying
80 catch fly in the face Of the sun, re-
lease. with back pay.
For having spike in an opponents shoe
driven through the lnstep, two days va
cation.
For having toe nail ground off by al
opponents heel, the privilege to limp.
For not making up face or sayins
"OaW when hot liner lands on the fiji
gers ends, sympathy Of stockholders.
Foul ball in the pit Of the stomach, per.
nit to stoop.
Having teeth knocked out and con-
tiauing play, the privilege of being called
tough"
For killing scorer, a $1,000 United
8tates bond.
For kicking against the umpire's de-
eisions, when he is known to be right.
two shoes from mule; this is an emble
matte trophy.
The management in Offering the above
prizes, does it for the purpose of encour-
aging the players to put forth their bes
endeavors. as by SO doing the games will
be more entertaining; and with the hope
that the dividends will be larger than
they otherwise would h.
A Posi-. NUPTIAL TRANSPORTATION
There was a man of knowledge deep,
commanding sweep, who knew heap,
man who studied day and night, and
hardly spared the time to sleep.
This man so stald, he knew maid, de-
mure, afraid, and half dismayed, shy as
the nymph OF ancient nythe, sequestered
in some sylvan shade.
This maid SO rare, with golden hair and
modest air, SO debonair, she charmed this
man OF learned lore and caught him in
her witching snare.
This man of thought and learned lore,
bis hair he. tore, and o'er and DER, he
loudly swore that he would cherish her
for aye. and he would love her evermore.
Now they are wed, in his library hooks
among his books his knees he crooks, and
sees his wife so seldom now that he's for
gotten how she looks.
The wife TO whom the man before so
loudly sVore he would adore foreyermore
lives with her mother and declares har
husband is a regular bore.-Lynn (Moss.)
Union.
A Sunday-school teacher was telling her
children how the devil goeth about like a
roaring lion seeking whom he may devour,
and after thu lesson was through she said
that those who wished could ask cues
tons. At once little boy spoke up and
asked how fast the devil could run.
Hush, Johnnie" said the teacher, "such
questions are very profane.'' swell, I
don't care,' said Johnnie, he can't out
run my pa, anyhow, cause heard pa tell
a man down the street the other day that
he caught the devil the night he came
home from the Iodpe.n