The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1886-04-06
AN EPISTLE BY BILL NYE.
The Western HumOrist in the Role
of u Father.

SS SbaS~eC ANS"S P'AusS tbO toitOW
ing from the pen of Bill Nye 1t is a
good specimen Of the well known West-
ern bumorist peculiar stvie:
MY DEAR Son 81 tried to write to
you last week, but didn't get around to
it owing TO circumstances. went away
on little business tower for few dsys
on the cars, and tlen when got home
the sociable broke loose 10 our once
happy home.
While on my commercial tower down
the Omehaw railroad buying q new well
aieein' machine of which had heard
good deal pro and con, bad the pleas.
ure OF riding none Of them sleeping
cars that we read so much about.
/ am going on fifty years old, and
that's the first time ever slumbered at
the rate OF forty.five miles per hour, in
GLIDING steps.
/ got acquainted with the porter and
be HACKED my boots in the night unbe.
knownst to me, while l was engaged in
slumher He must have thought was
your father, and that we rolled in luxury
at home all the time and that il was q
common thing for US to have our boots
blacked by menials. When left the
car this porter brushed nv clothes till
the hot flashes ran up my spinal colVum,
and / told him that he treated me square,
and | wrung bis hand when be held it
out toward me, and told him that any
time he wanted q good cool drink of
huttermilk {, just boiler through our
{ telephone. We had the sociahle at our
house last week, and when / got home
your mother set me right to borryin'
chairs and dishes. She had solicited
some cakes and other things. ! don't
know whether you are on the skedjule
by which these sociable are run or not
The idee is novel one to me.
The sisters in our set, onct in so Of
ten, turn their houses wrong side out
for the purpose OF raising "a to apply
on the church debt. When was a, boy
We worshiped less fills than they do
now. Now it seems that the debt is a
part Of the worship.
Well, we had good time and used
up $50 cookies in . short time. Part of
these cookies was devoured and the bal
ance was trod into our all wool carpet.
Several Of the young people got to
playing Copenhagen 10 the sitting room
and stepped on the old cat in such way
as {, disfigure him for life. They also
had . disturbance in the front room and
knocked of some of the pla.tering.
So your mother is feeling rather slim
and | am not very clipper myself. j
hope that you will be an ornament to
society. Society is needing some or
naments very much. / sincerely hope
'thstyou will not begin to monkey with
rum. should hate TO have you meet
" th ielon's doom, or fill drunkard's
grave. let him do it bimself. What has
the drunkard ever done TOR you that be
should expect you to gil his grave for
him2
l expect YOU to do right as near ss
possible. You will not do exactly right
all The time, but try TO strike good av.
erage. ! do not expect you to let your
studies encroach too much on your polo,
but try to unite the two 80 that you will
not break down under the strain. ]
should feel sad and mortified to have
you come home q physical wreck.
think one physical wreck in family is
enough. and am rapidly get ing where
I can do the entire physical wreck busi.
ness for our neighborhood.
/ see by your picture that you have
got one OF them pleated cpals With Q
belt around it, and short pant, They
make you look ss you did when / used
to spank you in vars gone by, and
feel the same old desire to do it now
that ] did then. Old and feeble as am
It seems to me as though could spank
hoy that wears kUickerbocker pants
butt med onto Garibaldy waist and 9
pleated jacktt
II it wasn't FIR them cute little camePs
hair ~hiskers Of yours would not be.
lieve that You had grown up to be large
expensive boy, with thoughts. Some Of
the thoughts you express in your letters
are far beyond your years. Do you
thiak them yourself or is there some
boy in the school that thinks all the
thoughts for tae rest.
Some of your letters are go deep thai
your mother and / can hardly grapple
with them. One Of them especially was
so full OF foreign stuff that you bad goi
ont of till OF fare that we will have to
wait until you come home before we can
i take it in. | can talk little Chippewa
hut that is all the foreign language en-
fsmiliar with. When / was young we
had to get our foreign languages The
best We could without, so studied Chip
pewa without master. A Chippe va
chief took me into his eernp and kep'
me there for some time, while ] acquired
his language He became 80 much at.
tached to me that l had great difficulty
in coming away.
wish you wonld write as much as
possible, 10 the United States dislecf,
and not try to paraiize your parents with
imported expressions that come too high
for poor folks.
Remember that you are the only boy
we've got, and we are only going through
the motions of living here for your sake.
For us the day is wearing out, aud 1t is
now way along in the shank of the
evening. All we ask Of YOU is to i'm.
prove on the old people. You can see
where fooled myself, and you can do
better. Read and write and sif:r and
polo and get nolledse, and try not to be
ashamed Of your uncul,iyttsd parents.
When you get that checkered little
sawed of coat on that pair of knee pan
ties and tlat poker dot nectie, and the
sassy little boys hollar rats when you
pass by and your heart is bowed down,
remember that no matter how foolish
you may look, your parents never will
sour on you. Your FATHER.
"l Don't Know What Ails Me-"
says many a sufferer. have the 'hlues
friebtfully; am troubled with headache
and dizziness; have lost my appetite
there ia q bad tasta in nv mouth con.