Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1886-07-15
THE BRIDAL BUSINESS.
Reflections ard "Reminiscences of a Man
Who Has Married 5000 Couples.

Reflections and "Reminiscences of a Man
Who Has Married 5000 Couples.
New York Times
81 have married so many girls shat
the ceremony no longer causes me the
least emotion" said the gentleman
suavely. But the confidential friend
in the coy little study knew that the
speaker wore white cravat and cleri-
cal black coat, so that there was
nothing abnormal in his statement.
He had merely married SO many girls
to an equal number of the other sex.
In fact, he was reverend.
"For the last twenty-five years"
continued the minister, looking into
the anthracite of his fire place dreami-
ly, % have been marrying couples in
my d ,awing- up stairs until the
carpet has become threadbare under
bridal feet, and the books have grown
brown with age and the finger marks of
couples eagerly awaiting my advent.
In there ever a week that passes with
out my uniting couple? Never. |
am eternally tying poor humanity
into knots which never can be undone.
Several times each week am visited
by those who for reasons of their
own, cannot marry at home, or decline
to do so on the ground of Directing to
commonplace. milk-and-water nuptial
celebrations. l have married all
classes of people, from the children of
the wealthiest metropolitan people TO
the offspring of the INDECENT. Well,
my good, sir, after two years practice
II will call it practice, as there was
something legal about it'll decided
that the Adams and Ewes on their
wedding day were all alike; that j
could adopt one method of treatment
for the rich and poor; that | need only
stereotype one set OF remarks for the
occasion. | have saved myself great
deal OF trouble. All, my dear, good
sir, time is money. Save 1t when you
can; hoard it up; don't let it slip
away"
The reverend gentleman was losing
the thread of his discourse in his en-
deavor to paint moral, but recalled
himself and once more settled his gaze
into the lurid anthracite.
Now, hecontinued ''Ill tell you my
treatment, which, as nearly as posi-
BILE is always the same. Suppose lam
sitting reading in my library after
dinner, and that | have enjoyed my
repast so much that it has soothed
my nerves SO utterly that begin to
doze. don't say that it is invariably
the case. But suppose it for the mo-
ment. Then suppose that | awake
with a start at the sound OF voices
beneath my window, and hear some
such conversation as this:
"Ring the bell, dear, from a man.
"'0h, john don't like to, He hei
You ring it, love, he! he! Oh, I'm get
ting so nervous | feel as though
should drop'-needIess to say from a
woman.
"Well, don't let's stand out here all
night catching cold. I'll ring it'-from
another man very matter OF fact.
"tNow, he's rung it. We're In forit.
He hel' from the first twain.
"Weil, suppose this does not cause
me the least merriment in the world.
am so completely accustomed to it
that cannot even remember the time
when it was a novelty. l merely rub
my eyes to wake myself up complete
ly, and await developments. They
come very rapidly. My housemaid
Jemima enters with her best Sunday
expression of countenance on, and
saysin a whisper: please, sir, a couple
of folks is downstairs wanting to see
you. They says if you will kindly
come down as soon as you can, as
they are in hurry
81 sigh, not because | am annoyed,
but because / am in the habit of sigh
ing. | always wonder how can look
SO calmly on the performance of o
ceremony which once used to cause
me much emotion. Jemima, too, is
perfectly unconcerned. You would ex-
pect that domestic, who generally
looks upon matimony as the consum-
nation of everything romantic and
novel-like, would come in giggling and
blushing But Jemima has been with
me twenty five years and is wise in
her generation. She has seen the
comely brides who visited me at the
beginning of that period developed in
to fat, middle-aged matrons, with no
thoughts beyond boiled legs of NUT
ton and how to live on nothing year,
and do it nicely, with appearances,
and Jemima has remained single to
open the door to matrimonial aspir-
ants. Well, to resume: After the sigh
grid up my loins, tell Jemima to take
the visitors to the drawing.room and
say would he with them in few mo-
ments. Then l go on with the book l
had started to read when | began to
doze. You see / like them to get lit
tie impatient, for although ! may be
unconcerned myself, think it extreme
ly important that the young couple
who are taking such serious step
should be as nervous and excited as
possible. And they invariably are.
At the end of the ten minutes / leave
my study, descend the stairs with easy
solemnity and little creaking, open
second on the threshold, and then en-
ter with dignity. l nearly always see
the bride in my armchair away from
the rest, leaning her head on her hand,
and looking at my nearly threadbare
carpet. The bridegroom is pretend
ing that lis as unconcerned as though
he had been married daily for the last
twenty years, and is talking and laugh
ing with the witnesses, who cape and
look relieved when they see my figure
in the doorway"
The reverend gentleman looked at
himself in the mirror, invested himself
with the correct matrimonial look,
and then proceeded: when enter |
say cheerfully, but by no means with
jollity: We'll, think can guess to
what / am indebted for the honor of
this visit The bride bushes and
looks coy, the witnesses look at one
another and litter, and the bride
groom rises and says nervou sly:
"'W-well-er-er-the fact is, doctor
-I-er-that is to say-er-this lady
how foolish ami mean both of us
together, of -want-er-to-
er-get married.
II then glance at them both sternly,
as though would burn out any secrets
with my eyes. Then, when | have
made them both uncomfortable, /
withdraw the screw and become pleas
antly affable.
".Ah!' say, pleasantly, so that's
it, is it? You might do worse young
people. | believe in marriages, you
know-that is to say, marriages prop
erly undertaken. They are made in
heaven, l think Il may here say
that some people object to that senti-
ment, though generally give it utter
ance.) Now, SIR | say, turning to
the bridegroom, "a word with you.
Let us go into the next ROOM
"The bride pouts at this, and askes
If she cannot come with us, and being
told that it is nothecessary she goes on
pouting. Then / obtain points and
necessary details from the brideproom.