News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-10-28
TERMS S1.5O.
WANTED AN EARTHQUAKE.

| donS! ought to have noticed the great
| resemblance! That is that is -"
Then he wished that an earthquake
would happen right there and then.
SO BLIND.
81 see, +" said Stubbs, ''that Dr. Michael
Foster tells the British Association that
smoking tobacco produces defective
vision; do you believe it ~ "Oh, am
sure of it, " replied Mrs. S., "for l saw
your friend Butts last evening putting
away, quite unconscious that there were
sew, raj ladies in the room. ."-Boston
transcript.
SLY GIRL.
" Charley, what is a chestnut bell 2'
| said his girl.
'Oh. it's a bell that rings when any
one tells an old story"
''Well, they couldn't call me q chest.
nut belle; have no ring"
1t succeeded, and they are to be mar
ried when Charley has his salary raised.
THE TRAIN
"What's the matter with the train,
conductor 2" asked a passenger. "Do
you expect to stop at every crossroad ~
is rum" growled the conductor, "you
can get off and walk"
"Oh, I'm in no hurry" said the pas
nger.-Harper's Basar.
HARD WORK OF THE PARsoN.
Old Mrs. Bently: Pears to me, Eben-
eZer, as if these ministers have had al
together too much rest this summer.
i
Martha; them fellows is awful hard
worked during the winter. Why, just
think, Parson Brownlow had five dona-
ton parties last season.
HER ONLY FAULT.
She's rich and fair and talented as well;
Her figure is dream, her smile a spell,
Her fair complexion's like pink sea she'll
Twill stand inspection.
Her dispositions sweet as it can be,
And with her taste in dress modists agree
But for her bad taste in refusing me,
She'd be perfection.
-Oaklaad Echo.
GLAD TO GET OUT OF 1T,
Professor Ito foot of Botany class:
Mention some of our common treesI
Student: Ash, maple, elm, larch, To-
Gust, spruce, pine, horse - (aking
breath).
Professor (prompting) Chestnut ?
Student: All right, sir, if you've heard
'em before, Pll stop.
POETRY AND TRUTH.
Spindler Quoting: {" with half my
appetite, good dame, my leather doublet
would be feast indeedr'
Servant: "I'm glad you feel that way,
sir, for missus wanted me to tell you
that she's lost the mallet and the steak
amt been pounded quite so much as
common"
SHE AGREED WITH HIM.
'Tt's meat and drink to me to meet a
| jolly good fellow like Smith," said
! Jones.
"Wen, Judging from the condition
/ you come home in when you have been
| with Smith, " said Mrs. Jones' with as
perity, II should say 1t was meet and
| drink
SUFFERER.
Tramp Please help me; am a
Charleston sufferer
Old geutleman-Ah, indeed-a suffer-
er by that awful earthquake? What
did you lose
Tramp = 1 lost a bet how many shocks
there was.-Lpe.
NOVELETTE,.
81 am writing novelette," said an
author to a friend.
"Why do you call it novelette, 2"
because it isn't novel yet. Smoker"
ODDS AND ENDS.
A DEBT of gratitude is too often COM
promised at about ten cents on the dol
lar.
SOME things are most valuable when
they are upside down. A figure 6 for
instance.
A MAN is never so sure that he is per-
fectly sober as when he is tolerably
drunk
OUR Yankee friends could not capture
Charleston during tie war, but they
have done it now 1t is city that had
to be shaken before taken.
SWELL, Thomas, you say you have
recommend 2" "Waal. yes, sab |
brought my fadah long to recommend
me; he's knowed me all my life, sab"
Co>GREssMAN Rockwell told the farm
ers up in his bailiwick the other day
that agricultural colleges were proper
enough, "only they have a tendency to
wean the young men away from the
farm"
"WELL, ought to be satisfied, half
musingly remarked George Gould's
BRIDE, as she sat with her husband look
Al ~ i,l, 81, ho1
playfully written on his cuff. There's
Gold, and there s little u in the mid
die
9-YEAR OLD boy signed pledge in
this city few days ago. When told by
his mother that lit didn't amount to
anything" he replied; 1T may not, but
if dad had signed one when he was
years old it might have amounted to
something"
The Alleghenians are frugal folk. A
Pittsburgh man advertised for a cook,
and received this note from a citizen of
Allegheny: "Dear sir: have seen your
advertisement for a cook for three days
in the papers. When you get what you
want, please send the rest OF the girls to
me, as don't care TO advertise. "
A YOUNG negro bootb.ack observed a
neighbor poring wisely over a newspa-
per, whereupon he addressed him thus:
".Tuiius, what are you looking at dat
paper for You can't read "Go
away" cried the other Indignantly;
'guess l can read; Pm big enough for
that "Big enuif, " retorted the other
scornfully, 'dat amt muffin. A cows
big enuif to catch mice but she can't