The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-06-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

broke into your room, and. after taking
positions in the corners. each pointed Il
pistol straight at your heart Now,
while this was taking place, where were
you?" Plaintiff-''O, was simply no
where"
Going widing to-day, Awthaw?"
-'Naw. Got to work, demmit." so
sowy, deah boy. What is the-aw job.
eh?" ''Maw's witten me lettaw and
fve-aw-got to wead it befaw | can
make anothaw dwaft on haw. Did you
evaw heah of such a boah?" '.Nevaw,
deah boy, nevaw. "-Io,0n Topics.
Uncle Jake-ssPeter, hears you pays
your spects to my darter. Now, eff you
means bizness, wot is your bizness?"
Peter-"Tse keepin' books for Dobson
u CO.. Uncle Jake-"Um! All! Does
YOU keep 'em in single or double entry,
Peter?" Peter-''Ain't no sch fool
chile as dat. puts 'em in de safe down
cellah ebry night Ink I'd keep waly-
bles in de entry?"
ma, we'll have to cut Sue Fitzpercy,"
remarked Ethalinda De Wiggs yester-
day afternoon. "Why sop asked Mrs:
De Wiggs. 'Why, you know she is get
ting her dresses made for her wedding.
Well. she invited me to look at what she
called her travelling Dress Travelling
dress indeed! Why, she ought to know
that the English term now is going
away dress. ''Yes, indeed; if she's
that vulgar we shall have to cut her,
certainly y-"-Pfttsburg Chronicle.
A young married lady, who moved
no the country from a city home, con-
sidered keeping hens pleasant and
profitable duty. As she became more
absorbed in the pursuit her enthusiasm
increased, and .'hens" made favorite
subject of her thoughts and converse
ton. During one of her animated de-
scriptions Of success a friend inquired:
Are your hens good hens?" 20, yes, "
she replied, in delighted tone, '.they
haven't laid bad egg yet -"-Cdtskilt
Mall.
A well-known ex-senator of stately
mien walked into downtown restau-
dish, and partook of it. The next mo-
ment his features were despoiled by a
frown. Calling the waiter, he asked,
difference is between the Broadway Rail-
road scandal and this dishP" ..N-no,
SIR" stammered the affrighted waiter.
In icy tones the ex-statesman said: 1.-THE
one is fricassee of fraud; the other q
fraud of fricassee. IN Y, Tribune.
A fable: An estimable old ground
hog, wishing to ascertain the opinions
of the neighbors about himself. had a
bogus congestive chill, and. falling on
the ground, pretended to be dead. He
was buried the following day, but
scratched his way out of the grave and
70 f,,,,
sermon preached. The discourse was
was puffed up with vanity, and, having
came dude. Moral-This fable teaches
the danger of fiattery.-LJe.
..Let me tell you a good little story
about a young man down our way. y
said Il Brownville gentleman the other
day. The hero of the story is a we'll
known citizen of Tecumseh. He was
married not long ago and started on a
Southern wedding trip. When the train
stopped at Topeka for dinner waiter
rushed out and began pounding gong.
The young man from Tecumseh, think
ing it was intended for charivari,
rushed up to him and exclaimed: Hold
on, there! How did you fellows down
here get on to this racket! Stop her!
I'll set 'em up for the boys. '"-Onaahd
Bee.
.'Shove the butter up toward the head
of the table," remarked one of the mill
tiamen at East ST. Louis to another.
"Do you know the difference" asked
the warrior who was thus unceremoni-
ously addressed as he leisurely complied
with the request, between the situation
in the Orient and that in East St
Louis?" mo" was the answer. "Why,
over there, Greece is pushing troops to
the front; here troops are pushing grease
to the front" A court-martial decided
that he should be shot in the neck at
sundown.-Peoria Transcript
Petroleum is the topic of the office,
drawing-room, and workshop, and d
great part of our people think only of
oil, talk oil, and dream oil. Miss Jen-
ME Smith, the railroad evangelist, who
has been laboring here, when leaving
the other day, approached at the train
Capt. V, a well-known operator,
who was standing on the platform, took
him by the hand, as is her custom, and
asked: Brother, how are youP Are
you on the rock or sand?" The Cap
tain absent-mindedly but excitedly re-
piled: 1--WE are two bits in the sand
and gushing like blazes. ."-Rttsburg
Press.
travelling in England, and he was stay
ing for week at large country house,
which was, as usual at that season, full
an old estate and had the usual display
S1fn 10 l-S Ioh hnr ,,a1
picturesque feature of English country
parks. He was walking through the
park one day with naughty, aristo-
cratic lady. 'Have you any trees in
Ameriea?" she suddenly asked him. He
a moment, and before he could reply
she broke in: '.Why, what silly ques-
tion have asked you! OF course you
haven't any trees. The country isn't
old enough. San Francisco ChrOn-
Scle.
''Lancelot," asked Elaine, looking up
from the Eagle, show do the strikers
kill an engineP l can't understand it
at all" Easy as lying" replied Lance
aot, promptly. You just climb over the
'tailboard into the cab. open the blow
off cock by lowering the connecting rods
Nntu Ine cfanK-pn Is level with the
cross-head of the fulcrum connections,
push in the brass throttle ratchet till it
reaches the crown sheet which lets the
water glasses fall into the fire box"
30, now see" she said, joyously, land
of course that puts out the fire But
Lancelot, if l knew as much about en-
gines AS you do, wouldn't stand at the
ribbon counter another day. I'd Just
go out to where the strike is, and be a
President of railroad myself" And
.Lancelot kissed her and said he would,
inst as soon as his new tennis suit came
home--Brooktyn Eagle.
, Mutual Concession: There was large
attendance at Friday evenings prayer
meeting at the Blue Light Tabernacle
After the exercises were over and the
benediction had been pronounced Jim
Webster got up and addressed the pull
pit as follows: "Parson, does you know
dat dar am gwinter be a cullered sour
shum to Houston next Lords Day?' Il
has heard so, Brudder Webster" '.Well,
parSOn, a tWO-third majority oh dis con-