News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-07-22
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
HUMOROUS READING FOR
THE LEISURE HOURS.
Not n Home Run-A Little Question-A Very
Good Reason-A Striking Dilemma-a
Trial Trip-A Story of John Van Buren,.
Dots and Dashes, Etc, Etc.
A TRIAL TRIP.

A TRIAL TRIP.
A stone cutter, whose office adioined
his stone yard, was seated in his office
when friend called upon him and they
discussed several topics together, among
them the question as to what extent
lager beer was an intoXicant. The
stone cutter maintained that beer was
not Intoxicating, while his friend main,
tanned the opposite. The stone-cuttel
said, there is a man at work in the yard
PointinS to a brawny chested German
who could drink bucket lthree gal
lons) of beer at one sitting and feel none
the worse for it. The friend doubted,
and wager was made and the work
man called, who, when asked if he could
drink that bucket (pointing to large
water bucke) full of beer at one sitting,
replied, ''Vell, 1 don'd know; 1 lets
you know after vile." The German
went away, and after remaining about
fifteen minutes, returned, ana said,
eyes, can drink dot peer" The
bucket of beer was procured and placed
before the German, who very soon alb
sorbed the last drop, and arose from
his seat, wiping his mouth with his
sleeve, and was walking away with a
firm step, when his employer recalled
friend and I have some curiosity to
know why you did not drink the beer
when you were first asked2". The Ger
man replied, "Vell, l don'd know dot
could trink 1t, SO vent out and trink a
bucked, den | know l could do it. y
Chestnut.
GOOD STORY.
President Van Buren's son, familiarly
known as Prince John, was a man of
great natural ability, good lawyer, and
ready wit. On one occasion he had
taken some technical legal advantage by
which his opponents client in an action
was non-suited. The man was furious,
and declared his purpose to give John a
piece of his mind when he saw him; he
would wither him. Happening to see
John one day at Downing's, standing
at the bar, he boldly confronted the
Prince, and, being a small man, looked
up at him fercely and burst out ''Mr.
Van Buren, is there any client SO low
and mean, or any case so nasty, that
you won't undertake to defend him in
it p 81 don't know" said John, stop
ping to put away another oyster; then
bending down and confdentially draw
ing out his reply in the little mans ear:
"What you been doingw
A CLEAR CASE.
"Charlie, +" said Philadelphia girl to
her lover, ''what is the cause of the
trouble between this country and Can
ada about catching fish ?"
"Why, my dear" replied the lover,
Canada claims that Americans have no
right to fish within three miles of the
Canadian shores and that American ves-
sells mustn't land ut Canadian ports to
iBut 1 should think that Americans
would entice the fish down from the
Canadian shores without any trouble. "
GLOW 2?
"Why, by scattering a little ice cream
along the American coast. Oh, I'm
sure ice cream would attract them, es-
pecially at this time of the year. Why,
it fairly makes my mouth water to think
of ice cream during the summer. y
Phiiadelphia Herald.
VEAL INTERESTING.
81 say, Miss Belle, I think can be
veal interesting tonight, even more
SO than usual" said a young man who
was born that way, and can't help it to
the young lady on whom he was calling.
''Is it possible?" was the response.
"Ya-a-s. You see l made a conun-
dwum the other day and l vote it down
veal quick SOS hot to forget it. Heah
it is: Why is it that when the weathah
gets veal wahm, it's always smother
evening2 Smother evening-ain't that
good?"
''But what is the answerG" inquired
the listener.
"Oh-the answer-er-by Jove! Do
you know 1 forgot to make any answer
to it. must try and think one up
Merchant TraUeller.
A Dog who thot he was awful Smart
was walkin along one day when he Seed
a Bone on the Grass. "While l never
eat Bones myself, " he said. as he looked
Around, ''rll bury this for some Poor
Dog Who can't get Beefsteak." He
made Spring for the Bone, but the
Bone slid away from him, and somebody
Iaffed and LATED in the terriblest man
ner. The Boy in the back yard had a
String tied to the Bore. ''That's just
the way of it." said the Dog as he
dropped his tail and made a Sneak.
"Any Feller who tries to do a Good
Action III this world is sure to get left"
Moral tell you it's just Awful how
the Fish Bite this Spring, and now they
Won't let Boy go Fishin'.-NeaO Or
leans Picayune.
BUT THEY WROTE NO FISH STORIES.
Many of the apostles were fishermen,
my son, but you can read the Bible
through and through and never find
where one of them fills up chapter of
Is, 900 words, telling how it took him
four hours and half to land a ten
ounce trout with nine ounce rod of
split bamboo. Indeed, the largest fish
story in the Bible was told by a man
who, so far as we know, never caught
fish in his life, but was rather taken IN
by one the first time he went to sea.
The same rule holds good unto this
day. The man with the smallest string
tells the biggest story.
TIcKL1sH QUESTION.
Undertaken J. Lewis Good testified
before the register of wills, yesterday,
in the Mary Ann Rogers will case, that
he knew the deceased. She was an old
colored woman, upward of so years of
age, and he had talked with her on
various subjects.
"What was the state of her health2"
inquired one of the counsel, who added:
''Of course you inquired as to that2"
mo, indeed, was the reply; "people
in my line of business never inquire as
to the health of their acquaintance"
The hearing was continued. .-Phila-
delphiG Times.
AMERICA JUNIOR.
Mr.. Hopeful Ito young Hopeful, home
from Harvard Thomas, may ask
how much your cigars cost you 2" Tom
Twelve dollars a hundred, Governor.
| usually get a thousand at time and
get them somewhat cheaper" Mr.. H
''Wha-what Twelve dollars Why,
We got TO be satisfied with tobies my
self" Tom-"That's business, Cover
nor If l had as many children to edu-
cate as you have, wouldn't smoke at
Teleraph.
SHE WAS THERE.
Bob Ingersoll recently was talking
with an old colored woman in Wash
lngton upon religious matters. "Do
you really beheve, Aunty," said he,
that people are made out of dust 2"
Eyes, sab; the Bible says dey is, an so
1 blieves it" ''But what is done in wet
weather, when there is nothing but
mud 2" "Den s'pects dey make in
fduls an sich truck. PUCK.