New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1886-01-06
sEIENCEv VS.. THE BULL DOG.


elENCEvs. THE BULL DOG.
s fkew Invention for Getting Rid OF
# Poets, Canvassers, and the Like. q
@s Every reader Of the comic newspaper.
4 aust from time to time have had his
ittention forcibly attracted to the with
yFing contempt and fierce hatred open
entertained by the comic editor
tggainst the aspiring poet, whether OF
J the spring or love-lorn variety. The
Sboet, in fact, would seem to hold the.
sa1ne relation to the comic editor as
s does the red flag to the bull. Week
after week, in the comic EDITORS can
aWaass to correspondents may be read
such bitter replies as the following:
what ought we to give for your
| poem? Well, ten days, we should
Think. or again, .sYou should take a
long course Of Russian baths to get
i that poetry out Of your system; if that
doesn' t succeed, try a watery grave -
Issue after issue Of the comic newspa-
per contains chuckling references on
the untimely fate which has overtaken
z some poet visiting a comic newspaper
Office, or teens with dark hints as to
trap-doors through which poets are
buried down into mysterious depths,
bloodthirsty insinuations as to bull
j dogs who keep watch over the ed
;, 1torial sanctum, or portentous illusions
as to graves which may ere long stand
4 in need Of being kept green. .'The
I poets lovely widow, :" suggestiyely re-
marks one comic editor in this connec-
ton, .1strews flowers over his tomb;
" fhn 1xvfh ifo,. cfS <1,o+ 1,,,1
dog in his room"
Nov, it is doubtless trying to be al
most daily brought in contact with
haggard and lank young mentor as
such is the poet always pictured by the
comic editor who are addicted to such
habits as making scarcely rhyme
with parsley" or who, with a monot-
ny that is undeniably ire-provoking,
rave year after year of 1'angel FORMS
~1tender-daffodils, and ''the flowers
that bloom in the spring" Still the
sanguinary methods confessedly adopt
ed by the c',;ic editor can not but be
: deprecated II, all truly Christian and
peace-loying persons; and it would
,(seem that some means by which he
might rid himself of his prosecutors.
could surely be devised without resort
being had to mayhem, homicide, and
kindred crimes.
Such means has been afforded by the
recent invention of Prof Grimkopf, Of
Boston. For a long time past, it appears,
the professor has had the eye of science,
SO to speak, turned on the poet and 9TH
ers of his race, and to his enlightened
mind the bulldog and the trap door have
seemed but crude and brutal methods
unworthy Of the civilization Of the age
One day he came across the story in
local newspaper of merchant who had
succeeded in Kidding himself Of the i'm
portunities of a swarm of female book
canvassers by a somewhat novel and in
genious method: Whenever the mer-
chant in question heard female voice
behind him exclaiming in dulcet strains:
won't you please look at this beautiful
illustrated work in nine-nine parts, only
rs cents part?n he would surreptitious-
ly let loose number of mice deftly con-
cealed in a cage beneath his desk. The
success OF the scheme, it was recorded,
even surpassed expectation. Linking
this idea with the scarecrow Of the rural
districts, Professor Grimkopf arrived at
y.he deduction that if the unwelcome Wis
or could be disposed of by moral In
cad of a physical shock a decided step
in advance would have been attained.
Following out this train Of thought, he
was inspired to an invention which will
individually prove Of the highest value,
This invention consists of an apparatus
capable Of evolving an apparition some
what similar to that which might be pro
duced by means of a magic lantern and
a canvas. Its workings are described
as follows: A poet enters the editor S
sanctum. The latter, concealing his
hatred in the consciousness Of his tri-
umph, softly, almost unctuouslY, re-
marks: ssPoet, sir? Ah pleased to see
you Married or single, STRIP IF the
poet murmurs that he IS single the comic
editor forthwith sets in motion an at
tachment on the right hand side of his
desk, and Immediately there appears on
the wall facing the poet the life-size
figure Of Mr.. John L. Sullivan, in alarm
Ing > pugilistic attitude, with the words
blazoned above his head: s4The fight
editor is in. The terror inspired
by this apparition has been demonstrate
ed to be fully as effective in leading to a
poets disappearance as if a trap-door
were actually opened beneath his feet.
The comic editors end is thus attained
- without any approach to battery OF
Gbloodshed. IF, on the other hand, the
poet reply that he is married, the comic
editor applies himself to an attachment
10 the left. Of his desk, and Instantly
there is an apparition of fierce mother
in-laW, with a Wintry and sarcastic smile,
from whose ghostly mouth are to be seen
issuing the words: II have come to
pay nice, long visit, dear" This ap-
partition is declared to be even more eff
fechve than the preceding one. In one
instance in which the test was applied, it
was attended by striking results. The
victim casting one Mortified glance at
the apparition, rushed precipitately to.
ward the stairs, and clearing them. at q
ound, disappeared, and, strange to say,
has never been heard Of since. s.
Prof. Grimkopf's invention, it is un-
-sENderStnOd is capable. of being annlind fc