The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1886-03-04


He swoFe BY an the tabled gods he'd never az
But the goods were advertised ere long. an
thereby hangs the tale
The ed was set in nonpareil, and heade
Salem Gazette.
A WEIGH.
And said to the clerk: 30, Charlie, say
1 Have you moment 10 spare for me
And let me know how much weighr'
''oae-thirty is what the figures say"
Hoy heavy ami Assist me, please
The young man give her gentle squeeze.
"Who was the grip asked the erocerman.
For q moment the young man answered not
| Then he softly said in q bashful voice,
| 20, that is the weigh long have sought.
Transformations, have you gooC
teeth?" Grandma-''No. dear; unfOrtu
nately have not" Jack-'.Then II
give you my walnuts to keep till com,
back. "-Bosto5l Beacon.
The King of Bavaria has shut himsel
up and refuses to be seen. In this coun
try one, two, or more kings can be seer
by any one willing to put up money FOL
the sight. Union
A Down East parson prayed in church
| against progressive euchre, and his con
gregation, who had never heard of i
before, have been busy learning it evel
since, just to see if it was so very bad.
Dio Lewis thinks people should go tc
bed at and get up at 5. The unso
| phisticated doctor doesn't appear to bs
aware that it is between those hours thai
all the fun comes off.-Bostos Tran
script.
In the ante-room of Minister of State
GIc ho afaN Of - I,
Officer" "Yes, sir, but when he is in hC
doesn't receive anybody" "All right
I'll come some day when he isn't p
French Paper.
He-Are you fond of reading fietionI
She-Very. He-Are you reading the
serial, Sweet Birdie Simpson" now
running in the Cross Country Magazine
She-Yes, and all the articles on the late
war. think they are delightfully."-
7. San.
The newspapers are full of prescrip
tions for the cure of hydrophobia. What
we consider the best prescription of al
has not yet been published. 1t is this
apply internally to the dogs head.-St
Louis CD.
A western exchange says: Pyramid
Mud Lake has risen twenty feet in the
last year" And yet people have the eff
frontery to claim that Nevada is devoid
of excitement and growing dull and I'm.
interesting. Puck.
Johnny Gust after Sunday-SchooD-
''Say, Jack, what is a sockdolagerP''
Jack-''Why, don't you know That's
what they sing in church when they get
ready to go home. The minister gets
up and says: Let us now sing the sock.
dolager. '"-BOStoB Beacon.
Two card-playing friends were passing
through q pine forest in Maine, when
one asked the other this audacious
conundrum: "Why cannot the proprietor
of this forest fell his own timber?" 'Be
cause no one is allowed to cut when it is
his own deal. Shoe and Leather Re
porter.
EYES," said Bobby's father. as he
stroked his little boys head fondly,
Bobby is keeping bank for his odd
pennies and nickels." '.And how much
have you got saved up, Bobby3" asked
the visitor. Twelve cents" he replied,
''besides the 1925 pa owes tn Y
Times.
This story is told of Bishop Macrorie.
He was sitting next Yankee navy cap.
tain, who said to him: "You have in
your province two rival bishops, c.
and azoEhsr fellow-to which of them
doVpu incline?" 81 am the other fel.
low said Bishop Macrorie Lifting
Church.
"Pap." said little Jacob, looking up
from his Sunday-schOol paper, "here is
a piece that says Beer versus Whisky
Shall read it?' 'ETrow dat paber in
de schtove, Shaky. Inny mans vot says
beer is worse as visky amt fit for nod
ings except kindling-vood. y Bling
hGmton Republican.
''Shine 'em uppa?" said an Italian
bootblack TO Pat, just landed. "Phat's
the charger" asked Pat. ''Five centa.
'Begorra, said Pat, as he seated him.
self in the chair, sit is foine country,
Ameriky, where a poor Oirishman can
get his boots blacked by a gintleman
wild goold rings in his ears."-N. T.
Sun.
Brown-'I don't see how you can
find time to go to church every Sunday.
I'm sure can't, I've so much TO do. !"
Fogg-"Yes, suppose you do turn of
good deal of work Sundays. wish
could do it; but the fact is, can't go
without my sleep as well as you can. "
Wonder what he meanti-BOSt0G Tran
script.
A little Swear old who has several
times visited the dime museums with
his parents, was Sunday taken to church
with q member Of the family, and after
returning home was asked by his father
what he saw. well" said the young
ster, ''a man got up and shook his arms
and talked; but didn't like it much,
because they didn't let US see the monk.
eys."-St. Paul Pioneer Press.
I'm sorry" observed the parishioner.
.'that cant pay my pew-rent this quar-.
ter" ''T'1 very sorry too, Mr.. Jones, !"
returned the clergyman; 'Ipresume you
lost your money gambling In stocksp"
'.No. can't say that did" 'Then in
Specializing in oilP'' mo. To tell the
truth. 1 did not. attended your church.
fair the other evening and got roped in
to a lottery" 'aOr'-PucE.
Two beggars, who ply their trade in
Fifth avenue, are taking leisurely stroll,
when they meet another of their guild,
who lifts his hat TO them with great re-
spect. One of the two is about 10 return
| the salutation with equal suavity. Hold
| onr' cries the other; ''what are you uF
| top What's the matterf'' Why
with whitening contemplate begs in
| the Fourth Wardr'-M Y Nail.
An eminent scientist attributes the re
\ markable longevity of . woman WHIT
recently died at the age of 109. to tht
| fact that she never wore high bonnet
/ in . theatre. We also understand tina
/ the vigorous health of q Philadelphia
man now in his 99th year is due TO thu
/ fact that be never went out between The
acts TO make astronomical observation
through glass.-NorristOacns Herald.
Jeems knocks cup of the mantel,
shivering it into a thousand fragments
His mistress. hearing the noise, PUSHES
| in and stands moment stupefied by tbs
| result Of her servants awkwardness
co." she cries, with tears in her eyes
e'my beautiful, old SevresT' 90" ex
claims Jeems, in joyous tone, a ser
aphic smile Spreading all over his face,
81 was so frightened at first. thought
it was something new. "-Paris Figaro
Aunt Maria was not a great favoritI
with the children, and an invitation
that she brought one morning IL person
for one of the boys TO go back with he
and spend the day at the farm did no
inset with an verenthusiastic reception
from any of those young worthless. I'm
thinking that I'd better CO." confdes
VIII, in an undertpne, to his younge
brothers. 30, yes. go on, y said Dwigh
encouragingly; perhaps the pig vii
get loose, and then you'll have . first
rate time. - HafpeT's Bazaar.
A State street merchant put a hand
some plaster figure in his store windoS
and prepared himself to enjoy il witt
his customers. Along in the afternoon
fhe yrifs of an aFfisf eesfna in and nofiC
ed II at once. ..Ah, Mr.. b. she said
sa.I...as. H.. ls.... .-...... ...s..