davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
THEY LAUGH BEST WHO LAUGH LAST

THEY LAUGH BEST WHO LAUGH LAST.
Hon. B. NJ. Cutcheon delivered stagger-
ing blow in a very neat and scientific man
ner in the case Of the veto Of the pension of
John w. Farris. This was the case where
the President grew so witty and sarcastic
over the absurdity of disease Of the eyes
resulting from diarrhea- Against the Presi-
dents flippant ignorance Mr.. Cutcheon
arrayed the testimony of the most skillful
oculist west of the Mississippi, who asserted
that Farris's almost total blindness was the
direct result and consequence Of the long
continued nervous debility resulting from
chronic diarrhea," and this assertion was
supported by the opinions Of two other dis
tinguished oculists. Then Mr.. Cutcheon
put in the spear farther by the evidence that
the man whom the President virtually stig-
matized as n swindler in intent was one of
the bravest and most faithful men that ever
carried musket The climax was reached
when it was shown that the claimant is now
Democratic Senator in the Missouri Legis-
lature. There was great deal Of derisive
smiling among pension opponents when the
connection between blindness and chronic
diaTrhea was first mentioned but these
smiles faded away very rapidly as Mr..
Cutcheon proceeded. The chuckling was
then on the other aide of the House.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

tfstitA1tftc
One stormy night, when the roads we're we'll
nigh impassable, q son Of Erin came into q
doctors Office and desired the dispenser Of
physie to go see a friend who was list a-dyin'"
He would not take no for an answer; so, put
ting the bags upon his horse, the physi-
clan started out upon his journey. As soon as
he saw the sick man be knew is was nearly
over with him, and remarked to the courier:
Peter, you told the truth your friend is
just at the point Of DEATH"
Can't ye do ainytheeng Cor heemG replied
Peter.
No; it is too late"
But, docthor, amt ye gOin' 10 give heem
anything Mt all at all?"
10 will do no good"
But, doethor. ye have come so far IL would
be too bad TO 20 back without dom anything"
For the peace Of Peters mind, the doctor
now took a small quantity Of sugar from
phial, and placed il upon the dying mans
tongue Just as be was drawing his last breath.
Peter, seeing his friends head drop back,
looked up TO the doctor with big eyes, and said
half in whisper, "Oh, docthor, an didn't 70
do IL auick -
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

Surprising there has been $50 10000 paid
out for pensions as is stated This Is mere
trihe when put alongside Of the money sac
rifces that the men who served the country
made TO enter the army. The army was full
OF mechanics, clerks, farmers, and men occu-
Pying responsible positions at home,
who left situations and employments fn
which they had incomes ranging from 5000
a year to three or four times that amount
70 accept less than $500 year in deprecated
paper, coarse clothing, aud cheap food
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
Tapping the Niagara.

The idea Of utilizing the water-powsr Of
Niagara bids fair TO be at last realized in some
degree. The Lockport Water Supply Company,
incorporated less than month ago, has already
begun the surveys for a canal which shall tap
the Niagara River and bring the water to Lock-
port, Is miles away, where a fall of 30 feet in
the space Of two and a half miles viii easily
furnish 100000 horse power. The magnitude
Of this scheme is better appreciated by COM
parison when it is seen that the capacity of the
great water-pOwe at Holyoke Manchester,
Lewiston, Lowell and Lawrence in the aggre-
gate furnish less than 10000 horsepower
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
THE CAVALRY AT GETTYSBURG.

The cavalry gathering at Gettysburg on
July next bids fair to be great success.
Although not so large as to be unwieldy,
nearly all the commands will be repre-
scented, and most of the prominent officers
living are expected. Great results are an
ticipated from this united effort to preserve
the history of this engagement.
Among those who have signified their
intention to attend are Gen. David Mem.
Gregg commanding the Union forces; Gen.
Wade Hampton and Gen. Fitzhugh Lee,
commanding Confederate brigades; Gems. j.
Irwin Gregg and ]. B. Mcintosh, command
ing Union brigades; Gen. T. I. Munford,
Colonel, ID Va. Cav; Gov. r. A. Alger; Gen.
Trowbridge, Major, 9Th Mich. Cav; Maj.
II. B. Mcclellan, of Gen. Stuarts Staff; Gen.
Geo. Gray, 9th Mich. Cav; Gen. G. E. Briggs,
9TH Mich. Cav; Gen. Averell; Col. Lipseomb
ID S. c. Cav; Col. Jones, Sd Pa Cav; Maj.
Barker, of Gen. Hampton's Staff; Maj. Car
penter, 4th Pa. Cav; Capt. William Z. Mil.
Ter, Sd Pa. Cav; Col. Blackford, of Gen. Stu
arts Staff; Capt. Matthews, LIST Mich. Cav
Lieut. Gordon, JEFF Davis Legion; Capt
Nevius, eth Mich. Cav; Capt Bouldin, 14tt
Va Cav; Maj. Paul, 4th Pa. Cav; E. G. Fish
burn, LIST Va. Cav; Col. Brooke Raule, Sd
Pa. Cav; Capt Boyd, LIST n. ]. Cav; Capt
Bricker, Sd Pa Cav; Gen. Doster, Colonel
9Th Pa. Cav, and others.
This party is too scattered and comes ovel
too many lines to arrange for reduced rates
though the Pennsylvania Road issues excur
sion tickets to Gettysburg and return, from
each OF its principal termini. This meeting
should not be COMPOUNDED with the Third
Corps Reunion at Gettysburg, July /, 2
and g.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

MONEY sent as Otherwise 0san Unregistered letter,
postal mOReg order. or draft on Acw
1yo,R srill be at lae irish Of nse sender.
AGENTS We employ Ro agents. THE NATIONAL
TRIBUNE has mann poiptccr caRoGsseTs, aud they
urc generally honest and faialftd bat persons tcho
coRfde their subscriptions 70 them must be their
gudgcs OF their responsibility. The paper sOsR be semi
only on receipt oftie subscription price.
ADDRESSES, RENEWALS Ec.-zddreSses Viu
DC changed often desired, bat each subscriber
should i ere case give the old SocH address
~ rcneluing subscribers sod be careful 10 send us TIC
l0bcl on TIC last paper YcociUed aud specify any cor
socions changes aaeg desire made In name or adj
dress.
C0RRESPONDEKCE.-C Correspondence Is solicited
from eUefp section On regard 20 Grand zTnay PEN
sion Milfiap Agricultural industrial and Household
snaers aud letters 10 The EdfloT tUiu 0trGgg receive
srosapi attention. Hrite GA ONE SIDE Of The paper
only We do NOT return Communications or an0nu-
scripts unless they accompanied by request TO
that effect and the necessary postage, aud uade- no
circumstances guarantees their publication al any
special date
address all communications 10
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE,
Washington, ID. @.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
JULY JOKES.

1t reported on perfectly reliable authority"
that the latest conundrum at the London clubs
concerns Miss Fortescue to whom Lord 6sarnoyle
paid $4,000 for net marrying her This il: What
is the most expensive kind Of oil? Garmoyle.
Because IL costs $4,000 per gal
Underwriters generally act on the spur Of the
moment because they don't consider t quite
proper to Fehearse' - anything.
"A witty New Yorker was dining at the Ryan
during the period when the table not bOun-
tiful as il might have been. A friend remarked:
Is this not magniicent hOtelf" Yes" was
the dry rej0inder, but I would like to see less
gliding and more carving"
The man who predicted dry moon for June
was all right. 1t was two weeks getting full.
"A young lady in San LeanCiro dreamed the
other evening that she riding and that tho
horse was running away. She jumped and fell
from the bed TO the floor dislOcatng her shoulder.
Thrown from a nightmare, as il were.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

For some time past there has been a
smoldering trouble between the active men,
beers Of the famous New York Seventh and
the Association Of War Veterans Of that regi-
ment. Recent events have famed IL into
flame Of active hostility. A few days ago
the veterans went on an excursion TO Proyi-
dence, X. l. Upon their return they were
handed an order directing them TO yacate
the rooms they had Heretofore occupied in
the Seventh regiment armory. The order
was signed by Col. Emmons Clark, Lieut.
Col Geo. Moore Smith and Maj VIM II. Kipp,
The Geld officers Of the regiment, being the
legally-constituted trustees Of the armory.
These officers justify their action by legal
opinion, 10 the effect that the Veterans AS
sociation has no right TO occupy any part OF
the building. The Indignation Of tho vet
Grams thus driven from their quarters knew
no bounds. They had expended some $25,.
900 in fitting up the rooms for permanent
occupancy. Col. Clarke is one Of the yeter.
ans and this fact renders his action all IN,
more open 10 criticism. Daring the recent
visit Of the Seventh 10 Washington, to com
memorate the 18th anniversary Of It's entry
ia 1861, the fact that not more than half
dozen Of the veterans were present was com
mented On as singular. The rupture which
threatens serious results 10 the Seventh ha
caused the most sincere regret among tn
many thousand friends Of the regiment.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
GIN. GRANTS MEMOIRS.

The second volume Of the Personal Memoirs
Of Gen. Z. s. Grant, published by Webster e.
Co., Is at length issued and ready for delivery.
Many OF our readers have been supplied with
copies Of volume one by THE NATIONAL TRIB-
UEE, and we are prepared 10 furnish them vol
ume two upon the same terms Volume two is
@ trife larger than the first. and is bound in
the same style. The press work and binding,
however Of Inc second volume Is rather better,
owing Go less haste Ia exelution than In the
FIRST. The price OF each In cloth il $3.50 OF 81
for the two. We send either volume upon
these terms postpaid 10 anyone desiring the
wark
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
GEN. LOGAN AND THE SOLDIERS.

Neither Logan nor Blair, with all his love for the
soldier, has yet voted his own salary for pension
purposes. Philadelphia Times.
This is Enthusiastically mean. There
is not man in the country that gives as
large portion Of his income 20 relieve the
wants Of needy veterans as Gen. John A.
Logan. He is called on for assistance every
day-almost every hour-and no one who
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
GEN. WALKERS ARTICLES.
FOUR INSTEAD OF ONE.

We have the pleasure Of informing our
readers that Gen. Francis A. Walker has
upon further reflection decided 10 give The
national TRIBUNE four articles instead Of
one. These win be:
i. Sumner at Fair Oaks
2. Couch at Charlottesville
3. Hancock at Gettysburg
d Warren at BristOe
These will all be Of unsurpassed interest
and merit, as anything coming from Gen
Walkers pen must be.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
MEMoRY OF uaNcocK.

The Military Service Institution has made
a most admirable tribute to the memory of
the grand soldier who led the Second Corps
by publishing in a handsome folio the letters
and addresses which were contributed at a
general meeting of the Military Service In
stitution, held at Governors Island, Feb. 26,
1885. The frontispiece Of the volume is a
splendid steel-plate portrait Of Gen. Han
cock, and opposite this is a facsimile of the
peamanship of the following epigram by
Capt Reuben NJ. Potter, U. S. Army, vet
eran Of Sc years, and personal friend of the
General:
The Sun Of Tropics fiery day
Appals but charms us not
Give me the orb Of genial ray
That shines without "A spot
Let hearfless Power with splendor glow
Give me the stainless Great,
Whom high and low and friend and foe
With awe appreciate.
o. Great aud Good. o. Brave and Kind,
Too brief has been the span
That makes each friend thou leavst behind
Feel proud that lac Is a MAN.
There is preface by Gen. j. Il. Fry, an
address by Gen. W. f, Smith, poem, and
then letters and addresses from soldiers and
statesmen all over the country. The typog-
raphy Of the book is unusually fine.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
TIE Philadelphia TINES saws +:

The Nation has already paid nearly one thousand
millions In pensions 10 our soldiers, large portion
OF which was never asked for or desired by the
true soldiers but manipulated by spectators.
How ridieulously untrue. What possible
interest can any Spectator have in ma
nipulating a pension bill, the proceeds OF
which, with the exception of the stipulated
fee, 90 directly into the pockets of the vet
Grams?
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
WASHINGTON, D. C., JULY !. 1886.
ARTICLES FORTHCOMING.

TIE BhTTLEOFEASRVTLLE.- spirited
sketch By A. II. GIaRpiLe, Of Mc1iUaH's
Brigade, 4. j. Smiths Corps, Cedar Falls,
IOiud.
OAK GROVE.-An important Engagement
during The ScucH Days battles before Rich
Mand By MAJ. II. d. 0'BrieR, LIST MiRH.
SSIMPLE DANn-A short story Of the Wdr.
Be Mrs. c. Broicn, Londonderry, o.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

Every man of the 9, S25. 900 who served for
three years made sacrifice of from 5000 to
$1,000 in actual pay in giving his services to
the Government for three years. The wages
that these men lost by entering the army
would amount TO 10 times the amount Of
the pension bills up TO date.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
AMENDMENTS TO THE RULES AND
REGULATIONS

REGULATIONS.
In the GAR. column this week we give a
number of important amendments to the
Rules and Regulations which win be pro-
posed at the forthcoming National Eneamp-
ment All Of these are well worthy of
earnest consideration, and a number of them
should be adopted without question.
The proposition to celebrate Saturday as
Memorial Day when the Both of May falls
on Sunday should certainly be adopted.
Saturday is so much better than Monday,
that il is hardly worth while to state the
reasons for such preference.
That there should be some changes in the
Regulations regarding the non-payment Of
dues goes without saying. We are not pre-.
pared 10 say which of the proposed amend.
ments is the best, or whether the plan of q
retired list is good one, but the proposition,
deserve earnest consideration.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

All surviving members Of the 10th Pa. are
urgently requested 10 he present on July i.
The l07th WAS among those regiments who
fought on the frst second aud third days Of
The great hattie
Co G. 90 4. S. Art, left Washington, ID. c.,
early last week and arrived vt Gettysburg on
Sunday. The company numbers 90 men, with
80 horses aud six gums, under command OF
Lieut. Randolph.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
STATES.
Utica Osserrer.l

ILtttt4 Dy9tIttFsI
A gentle Miss, once seized with chill,
Was feeling very, very Ill,
When came m Md. for TO know
II n. Y. service he could do.
20" cried the maid for scared was shsl,
do you Ind. Tenn. 10 murder Me. ?"
la" cried the doctor Kan save
You from a most untimely grave
IL you will let me Conn. your case,
And hang this liver pad in place."
IAN Ia fooI?" the patient cried.
=" j cannot Del, the man replied;
" But no one can'be long time Ill.
Who Tex. patent blue Mass. piIl.'
Ark.lr shrieked the girl, I'm hear no No.,
Your nostTums are y. J.-No co."
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THE scheme to tax an income to the dis
abled soldiers bill received such handling
last week as few measures ever proposed in
either House have. We give up much OF
our space to report Of the debate, and it
will be found mighty interesting reading"
as Horace Greeley used to say.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

All persons wishing 10 engage in the canvass
Of this thrilling book viii find il TO their adj
vantage 10 address THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE
for terms etc. il Is one Of the best-sellng
books OF th6 times, and those already engaged
in its sale are highly gratified AZ the handsome
returns made. We also send the book as a
premium Tor eight new subscribers, or Tor 81
ln conjunction with a years subscription 10
Tax NATIONAL TRIBUNE
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

applies in the persda or the name of desti-
tute veteran ever goes away empty-handed.
As Gen. Logan has nothing to live upon and
maintain the social position of United
States Senator but his salary, the amount he
gives away is heavier burden upon him
than $4,000 year would be to some of his
colleagues. l-Ls
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THE speech of Capt. J. C. Burrows on the
income-tax proposition, which we give
almost in full in our report of the debate,
was a strong, masterful argument, and pro-
duced decided effect.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
MAKING Lemon pie

Nee Folsom may be able to make pie, rs is
claimed, and she may even have taken a cook
ing-schoOl prize for proficiency in that delight
full art, as is rumo=ed; in fact she may be a
very good pastry cook in general. But we are
confident that she is not one Of the four or SO
women in che United States who alone are capa-
bleof making lemon pie. If she was she would
not have had TO marry a mere president. She
could have this whole nation Of sovereigns at
her feet.-BHfalo Express.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THF number ofpension certificates issued
during the week ending June 26, 1856, was
as follows; Original, .2,046; increase, ATT (;
reissue, 100; restoration, 70; duplicate, ID;
accrued, %; Act of March 8, 1888, 2; Order
April 3, 1884, II; Act of March 8, 1885,
1; total. 2,756.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THE success of the Journal Of the Military
Serriee Institution, published on Governors
Island, n. Y, has been so signal that it has
been decided to change the periodical from
a quarterly to monthly. 1t is invaluable
to all students of military science.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

Send 10 prepaid yearly Subscribers 10 The
NATIONAL TRIBUNE aud secure one Of these
reliable and handsome, stem winding, nickel
watches. which are manufactured expressly Tor
ns by the celebrated Waterbury Watch Com
Inng OF Connecticut. The price Of the watch
nna year subscription 70 the paper is $3.50.
neno Tor samples 70 aid you In canvassing for
clubs
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

This most exciting book Of adventure is now
offered for the small sum Of SO cents on free for
club 81 i've new yearly subscribers 10 The
NATIONAL TRIBUNE. No soldier who reads
this book can iail 10 be deeply interested, as
the most thrilling adventures and hair-breadth
ESCAPES are told ia q way To bring back yiyidly
90 the mind the days OF Cts.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
WORLDS cYouoPEBIA.

We have secured a new supply OF this most
excellent work, which is IN itself small IL
brry. d contains a wealth Of information
which cannot be- thoroughly realized until the
book is inspected. IL will h. sent TO any per-
son sending us a club Of six new subscribcrs
and viii be- sent in conjunction with THF
NATIONAL TRIBUNE for one year for 81 60
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

ordered a third ballot which he declared favor
able. Was The third ballot legal
1t was not When second ballot IL taken tho
result shall be final =; meaning that the applicants
stands rejected for six months n this applicants
was mustered, present appeal to Headquarters.
You evidently N4ant a new z o
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THE President would like 10 be very funny
over the dangers that eavalrymen were in
from the pommels of their saddles. If we
remember Alright he never made any effort,
during the war, to find out how really dan
gerous the pommel Of cavalry saddle might
he
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

We have Oh hand still number Of copies u
Mir. sherwOod'a exquisite lyrics, which we will
sell, handsomely bound, for the small sum OF
81, or elegantly decorated IN blue and gold for
&l.50
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
OPINIONS ON GRAND ARMY RULES

ny PAST CoNMAHDER-IS-CHIEF r. b. BEATH.
lNoTICE-Inquiries on Grand Army matters Of
general interest and proper for publication will be
answered IN this column by Past COMMANDMENT
Chief Beath- It will be of course understood that
such answers are simply personal, OF in the way OF
advice which one comrade may properly give an
other. Questions requiring official answers must
be submitted to the proper authorities.
RESIGNATION.
A comrade in New York who forgot to add his
name, asks the following questions:
First If an officer resigns during the term for
which he was elected, and a comrade is elected to
succeed him, do call the latter as holding office
for one time? Our Bylaws prescribe that OIL
shall hold the same Office more than specified
number of times. Would the above part term
count?
Second If a comrade is dropped for nom pay
ment OF dues can he be assessed or fined q COM
rade in good standing?
Third. If a comrade notifies his Post of his desire
To have his membership cease but wishing dis
charge can the Post carry him on the books for
one year and then drop him?
First. A eomrade holding position during the
latter part of term is entitled TO the honOrs there
fore it would count u term; but Bylaw OF the
tenor stated is Illegal
Second. Dues or fines cannot be assessed against
one dropped from the rolls. He Is entirely out Of
for readmission.
Third eomrAde can be released from his obli-
CATIONS only by sa= methods prescribed in the
Rules and Regulations. II was his place to apply
for honorable discharge and II he chose to die
tate his own terms for leaving the Post had right
to consider him eontulHaei0us and proceed ac-
oordingly. Better obey tie laws at ali times.
THIRD BALLOT.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
TBH RED AoORg.

This most interesting and ably-written
work, iy John NcEroy, iB now having very
Sarge sale. and the new edition will soon be
exhausted. send 81 70 Tx NATIONAL TRIB-
UNE and secure q copy
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

We have caFeinlly-prepared table Of pen
aion raies complied from Official sources, which
shows the exact gatings f0r every grade Of dis
ability. lt is printed on heavy paper. and will
b. sent 10 any address On rcceipt Of Is cenls
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

THE broken-down veterans still languish
in the poorhouses of the country, while
Congress delays the relief that they are
Justly entitled to.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

1Ie best Way 20 help the soldiers ia 10 ezfend
lLe circulation Of THE NATIONAL TRIB-
UNE
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
A THIRD BALLOT.

A conrade states a peculiar ease. On a ballot on
an application the applicant was rejected. SEQ
ond ballot was taken, resulting the first The
+. T.. then adjourned the Post for five minutes left
the Post room. and on returning in a few minutes
The National tribune., 1886-07-01
One Dollar per Year,
Invariably in Advance.

Six months, rs cents. no subscription for a
less period received.
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

mustered as its Captain in the 18th Mich.
Early in August he was ordered 10 the Army of
the Potomac, and went Immediately to the
front. 1t was attached to the Ninth Corps,
under Gen. Burnside. Its first battle was South
Mountain. The regiment occupied q very i'm
portant position, and was almost overwhelmed
by brigade of the enemy. For the time being
IL was really whipped" but the boys were all
raw and they didn't know it, so they stayed
there. They showed so much pluck and sand, "
and such marked staying qualities, that the
18th Mich. was given the name of the Stone
wall Regiment"
Capt. Burrows participated with his regi-
ment a few days later in the battle of Antie-
tam, and in December in the disastrous engage
The National tribune., 1886-07-01

PUBLISHED WEEKLY.
, 1886-08-19

Surf bathing is a delusion and a fraud.
With the temperature of the water at 20
degrees you gasp and gurgle and feel as If
someone was shooting icles through you.
You finally dip under with a yell, and
the yell is changed to a sort of | | /
whooppe ! | as a pint of the briny fluid
sails down your throat and proceeds to
salt your pork for you. There are She lis
to pare down your HEELS and there are
heartless crabs which make 1t a business
to feel of your toes and hang by you.
Floundering men kick you in the stomach
and excited females grab the calves Of
your legs in their wild e%ndeavors to with
stand the breakers. The idea is not TO
swim, but to let the rollers tumble you
about until your ears AL up with sand,
your stomach with water, and your eyes
a no longer do duty. You come out
feeling clammy. You may use half a
dozen towels, but the clammy feeling re-
mains and abide with you for a good half
day. 1t is as II some one had taken a pork
rind out of IN ice chest and kindly
creased you from head to foot.-M. Quad
In Detroit Free Press.