The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1886-07-23
THE BRIDAL BUSINESS.
Reflections and "Reminiscences of n Man
Who Has Married 5000 Couples.

New York Times.
II Have married SO many girls that
the ceremony no longer causes me the
least emotion" said the gentleman
suavely. But the confidential friend
in the cozy little study knew that the
speaker wore a white cravat and cleri-
cal black coat, so:sthat there was
nothing abnormal in his statement.
He had merely married SO many girls
to an equal number of the other sex.
In fact, he was reverend.
"For the last twenty-five years."
continued the minister, looking into
the anthracite of his fire place dreami-
ly, 81 have been marrying couples in
my drawing-room up stairs until the
carpet has become threadbare under
bridal feet, and the books have grown
brown with age and the finger marks of
couples eagerly awaiting my advent.
Is there ever week that passes with
out my uniting a couple? Never l
am eternally tying poor humanity
into knots which neHer can be undone
Several times each week | am visited
by those who for reasons OF their
own, cannot marry at home, or decline
to do so on the ground of objecting to
commonplace. milk-and water nuptial
celebrations. have. married all
Glasses OF people, from The children of
the wealthiest metropolitan people to
the offspring OF the INDECENT. Well,
my good, sir, after two years practice
Il will call it practice, as there was
something legal about it--I decided
that the Adams and Ewes on their
wedding day were all alike; that l
could adopt one method of treatment
for the rich and poor; that l need only
stereotype one set Of remarks for the
occasion. l have saved myself great
deal OF trouble. All, my dear, good
sir, time is money. Save it when you
can; hoard it up; don't let it slip
away"
The reverend gentleman was losing
the thread of his discourse in his en-
deavor to paint a moral, but recalled
him self and once more settled his gaze
into the lurid anthracite.
"Now, hecontinued ON tell you my
treatment, which, as nearly as posi-.
BILE is always the same. Suppose lam
sitting reading in my library after
dinner, and that have enjoyed my
repast so much that it has soothed
my nerves so utterly that begin to
doze. don't say that tbs invariably
the case: But suppose it for the mo-
ment. Then suppose that l awake
with a start ut the sound OF voices
beneath my window, and hear some
such conversation as this:
"'Ring the bell, dear, from man.
ooh, John, l don't like to. He! he!
You ring it, love, he! he Oh, Pm get
ting SO nervous. l feel as though |
should drop'-needless to say from
woman.
"'Well, don't let's stand out here all
night catching cold. I'll ring git'-from
another man very matter OF fact
Now, he's rung it. We're IN forit.
He! he!' from the first twain
We'll, suppose this does not cause
ME the least merriment in the world
/ am SO completely accustomed to it
that / cannot even remember the time
when 1T was a novelty. L merely rub
my eyes to wake myself up complete
ly, and await developments. They
come very rapidly. My housemaid
.1emima enters with her best Sunday
expression OF countenance on, and
says in q whisper: Please, sir, couple
OF folks is downstairs wanting to see
you. They says if you will kindly
come down as soon as you can, as
they are in a hurry
81 sigh, not because am ANNOYED,
but because ! am in the habit OF sigh
ing. | always wonder how can look
so calmly on the performance of
ceremony which once used to cause
me much emotion. Jemima, too, is
perfectly yunconcerned. You would ex-
pect that domestic, who generally
looks upon matimony as the consum-
nation OF everything romantic and
novel-like, would come in giggling and
blushing. But Jemima has been with
me twenty-five years and is wise in
her generation. She has seen the
comely brides who visited me at the
beginning OF that period developed in
to fat, middle-aged matrons, with no
thoughts beyond boiled legs of NUT
ton and how to live on nothinga wear,
and do it nicely, with appearances,
titNA cSllilIhtt SlllSlS 70
open the door to matrimonial aspir-
ants. Well, to resume: After the sigh
grid upmy loins, tell Jemima to take
the visitors to the drawing and
say would be with them in q few mo-
mcnts. Then go on with the book !
had started to read when | began to
doze. You see like them to get lit
tie impatient, for although may be
uncopcerned myself, think it extreme
ly important that the young couple
who are taking such serious step
should be as nervous and excited as
possible. And they invariably are.
AT the end OF the ten minutes | leave
my study, descend thestairs with easy
solemnity and little creaking, open
the drawing-room door. stand for one
second on the threshold, and then en-
ter with dignity. nearly always see
the bride in my armchair away from
the rest, leaning her head on her hand,
and looking at my nearly threadbare
carpet. The bridegroom is pretend
ing that he is as unconcerned as though
he had been married daily for the last
twenty years, and is talking and laugh
ing with the witnesses, who cape and
look relieved when they see my figure
in the doorway"
The reverend gentleman looked at
himself in the mirror, invested himself
with the correct matrimonial look,
and then proceeded: "When enter
say cheerfully, but by no meaEs with
iollity: Well, think can guess to
what am indebted for the honor Of
this visit The bride bushes and
looks coy, the witnesses look at one
another and litter, and the bride
groom rises and says nervously:
"'W-well er-er-the fact is, doctor
-I-er-that is to say-er-this lady
how foolish AMI mean both of US