Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-08
Dealing with a Deaf Witness.

Several years ago, while Antrim
county, Mich, was in n primitive
state of civilization, a breach of prom
ise suit came before the Circuit Court
at Elk Rapids. The plaintiff, one
Eliza j. Spooner, alleged that Will
liam Smith had trifed with her young
affections seriously much. He had,
by promise to marry her, induced her
to give up one Samuel Jones, who was
also an admirer of hers, and who, un-
der the smart of her refusal, had since
joined himself in the bonds of holy
matrimony to Lucy Skinner, and, in
consequence, was now out of market,
which the suing party claimed had
blighted her fondest hopes, and cast
about 1925 worth of gloom over her
future.
The plaintiffs principal witness was
"Uncle" Dave Bagley. He was over
70, and very deaf. One of his pecu-
liarities was to always answer a ques-
ton, and it made no difference wheth-
er he understood it or not; his reply
was ready.
The lawyer for the defense was a
little asthmatic, choleric man named
Somers, and this was his cross-exam-
ination of Uncle Bagley:
"Mr. Bagley, you have taken SOL
emn oath to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth
You say that upon certain night
you saw said Eliza j. Spooner and
William Smith-the man now before
you-together. You also said that
they were seated upon Mr.. John
Spooner's back porch. Now you will
please state to the jury the exact date
of this occurrence"
Lily Jane Spooner was sittin'
on Bill Smiths lap, an he"
mo, no. Held on" interrupted
Somers, sharply. ANSWER my quss-
tion directly and unequivocally."
"Bill had his arm around her a
huggin' her." pursued the old man,
complacently.
The defense glared angrily at the
witness, and then glanced around the
court room. Every one wore look
of supreme felicity that was little cal
culated to sooth his ruffled temper
Turning to the witness again he said
emphatically:
"You do not seem to catch my
meaning. | simply asked the date of
this occurrence"
"Yaas, that's what | said. Kissed
her forty-seven times in less'n twenty
minutes, an then"
Somers paved the atmosphere ex-
citedly and howled:
"When did this occur?"
"Oh! wy didn't c say so afore,
young man ?" Then, reAectively:-
"Waal, bein' s t I'm under oath, l |
sh'd judge t might a ben leetle ar
ter II o'clock t night"
The lawyer nearly choked, but see-
ing that he was fast losing ground
with the jury, he partially rallied and
said quite slowly:
II mean the date. What was the
date of this ?"
"Oh! l sh'd jedge she sot on his
lap half an hour, N then they chang
ed off N he sot OH"
This was too much. The jurymen
were all convulse with laughter.
The judges solemn face widened into
a grin. Somers jumped up and began
speaking excitedly.
ChCiO law WutCucu lliu lOT LWOO
three minutes, and then, thinking that
he was talking about Miss Spooner, he
out:
"Now you look here, young fel-
Ter, don't e never say nothin' agin
Lily Jane. Lily James es fine er
gal s ever trod shoe leather. 'Tain't
nothin' agin her if Bill Smith codded
her up to think he'd spliced up with
her."
But the old man was removed from
the box, and as he walked down the
room he growled out:
"'E young fly trap! X may fool
a young gal out'en her feller, but e
cant cod mold man like Uncle Dave
Bagley. No, sir, ee."-Ex.