The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1886-01-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

A young literary man in Portland re-
Gently had the fingers of his right hand
cut off at the first joint. He will now
write his stories in shorthand. -Puck.
1t is said that Nathaniel Hawthorne
never found it necessary to use an itali-
cized word. Then he never hit his
thumb with the hammer when driving
tack.-Norsoich Bulletin.
A modern wit defines the difference
between men and women: "A man gives
40 cents for 25-cent thing he wants
and a woman gives p cents for 40
cent thing she does not want.
Have you any kids?" inquired a
young lady of new clerk in a glove
store. Not yet, said the clerk with
blush; Il have been married but three
weeks. y Georgia Independent.
Pompous physician Go patients wife)
why did you delay sending for me
until he was out of his mind?" Wife
80, doctor. while he was in his right
mind he wouldn't let me send for you"
In answer to the question, What
makes Florida girl POPULAR" we
would state that her fathers orange
grove probably has as much to do with
it as anything else.-Ocala FLA. Ban
ner.
In lot of rules now going the rounds
of the press there is one which says:
Never indulge in luxuries which are
not necessary" We never do; all our
luxuries are absolute ecessities.-Phila-
delphia Chronicle.
A brakeman who was caught between
two freight-cars the other day was de-
scribing his sufferings to his wife.
''Why," she exclaimed, that's just the
way it feels when you are breaking in a
new pair of corsets. "-Utica Press.
Haskins-.I don't think much of Dr.
Ague's school of medicine. He don't
seem to have any luck in curing peo-
pie" Robb-''No, and that's not the
worst of it. / heard him admit to DR..
Henderson that he couldn't cure a
ham"
Don't be fool, my DEAR" remon-
strated husband to his wife, who was
using her tongue freely. Il won't, Mr..
Jenkins-I won't" she answered.; ''peo-
pie wouldn't know us apart if / did"
He went right down town.-Merchant
IraCeler.
One of the cruelest retorts ever made
by any musical audience is reported from
California. A vocalist was warbling, to
her own great satisfaction, 80, would
were Bird A rough miner replied:
80, would | were "a gun. "-Musical
Courier.
Good morning, Mrs. Gilligan; how
is Patrick this morning?n ..Sure, he's
no better, sir" '.Why don't you send
him to the hospital to be treated?" ITO
be treated, is it? Faith, an it's the de-
larium trimmins he has already. "-B0S-
ton Beacon.
Ethel (who really thinks she must
clean some of her old gloves this winter,
times are so badD-''Do you sell kid-re-
vivers?" Chemist -s.Ye-yes, MN. l
think you will find Mrs. Gummidge's
Infant Cordial a most excel" [Con-
fusion. London Punch.
What are you searching for so in
| tently?' asked one dead-broke of an
| other. Temperance paper = don't
! bother mem looking for the place. :"
What place, sir?" THE article is
headed Too Much Beer and | want to
find out where it ."-Judge.
Lanty Cong's prayer: THE giver of
the feast, that rale ould Irish gintleman,
Mr. Bernard McCafferty, and may he
live till he climbs to paradise on the
shoulders of his good deeds, an the
prayers av thin he's done 'em to- Lord
be good to him. -Independent
The NeaO-England Farmer remarks
that The exact place the hog should
occupy in the family economy is a ques-
ton for each individual to settle for him.
self. Our observation is, that the hog
in the family economy generally settles
his own position.-L010eU Courier.
City editor-"How' this? What's
the matter? You have only written Up
couple of stickfuls today Reporter
'<Well, I saw in the Free Press this morn
| ing that Bancroft thinks go words is Il
sufficient day work for a literary man.
There's 275 there. "-Detr0t Free Press.
The fact that tattooed man in New
York has been deserted by his tattooed
wife because of his too great friendship
with tattooed young woman is sugges-
tive. If it gets down to a matter of rela-
tive charms in fast colors. we shall have
Chicago Tribune.
Boston sat quietly through Canon Far
RAYS lecture on Dante, but, when the
archdeacon paused moment and then
said he had rather own the humblest
beanery in Boston than wear the crown
of England, the audience got right up
and fell on all its necks and sobbed
aloud.-Burdette.
That was a cautious old tramp who,
upon being asked whether he would
have drink of whisky as he was be-
ginning job of saving wood or would
he have it when he had finished it, an
swered: "Well, mum, think I'll take it
now. There has been pile of sudden
deaths lately. "-Lynn Item.
Bascom-'.You've bad cut under
your chin there, Richards. What do
you pay for shaving?" Richards
"Why. to tell the truth, | straved into
one of them Third Avenue shops to-day
They only charged me five cents; but
they threw in the cut" Bascom-..Yes,
that's cut rate."-N. Y Tid-Bi
A horse was sent up from the farm to
be shod. Having a number of ready
made shoes on hand, the job, in the alb
sence of the boss, was given to an APP
prentice. After an interval the follow
ing note came to the superintendent:
This horse don't fit none of our
shoes. "-Carlisle (Pa.) Indian School
Morning Star.
The young celibate, now president OF
Magdalen, is somewhat shy. Recently
he kindly asked a number of Freshmen
to lunch. Of necessity. the converse
ton turned on the weather Quoth the
president: Il am very glad we have got
a little sun this morning The ''Fresher'
replied with alacrity: 20. indeed. sir! |
was not aware. | trust Mrs Warren is
doing we'll" Tableau,-London World.
What may be called ''cigar and ser
want stories are rife in Paris at present.
The very latest of them runs thus:
Now, then, Jean. YOU can't deny it this
time. Where did YOU take that cigar
from?' From the large box. sir In
" ,.,l y