The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1886-07-02
VARIETIES.

1t Is the man who cannot raise the wind
who does the most blowing. ...
-He-"If you had the sense of donkey
you would listen to me-" She-"I fear I
should, my dear"
blessed be the piece-makers," said the
lady who drew crazy quilt at the recent
masonic fair
1t is said there are more lies told in the
sentence, II am glad to see you" than in any
other six words in the English language.
"A genuine patriot must at ali times be
ready to die for his country, even though it
should cost him his life (Thundering ap-
plause)
An original way of answering two ques-
tons at u time; "Here, Biddy, what's the
time o. night, and where's the pertaty pud-
ding ?" "I's eight sir"
"A writer says that woman is a silent
power in the land To this a cynical old
bachelor editor responds :-"That will be
news to thousand of husbands"
"A gallant little street fiddler, aged 10,
was asked the other day who gave the most
were the most generous to hm-ladies or
gentlemen. "Well," he said with charming
hesitancy, you know the gentlemen have
more"
When some cherished hope has been
blighted, some dear plan thwarted, some
cherished treasure snatched from our eager
grasp, the murmuring spirit would be hush
ed did we remember that "He did it," whose
ways are always right.
what a lovely woman |" was the exca-
nation of Chief Justice Waite upon passing
a beauty when walking with friend. "Whal
an excellent judgep said the lady, when her
sensitive ear caught the flattering decree of
the Chief Justice.
lis Miss my"
mo, Miss"
"But | saw her at the window when
drove up"
Every likely, Miss, but you see Miss
-isn't receiving to-day Her terrier
died Yesterday, and her mourning isn't
ready"
"A farmers wife living up among the
New England hills had longing all her life
to see hippopotamus. A circus and me-
nagerie visited peighboring town and she
harnessed up her old horse and eagerly jog
ged over the rough roads. When she stood
in front of the cage where the huge beast
was confined all she said was, MY amt he
plain"
First boy-"My ma says mustn't play
with you, because your father is nothing but
a shoemaker" Second Boy-"So's your faith
er shoemaker" First Boy-"Ma says he's
u manufacturer He makes thousand pairs
of shoes to your fathers one pair" Second
Boy-"Then he must be thousand times
worse than my father. l guess won't play
with you any more"
The other morning at the Tombs, before
one of our most courteous police justices,
war of words waxed hot and furious between
two distinguished lawyers of that locality.
"Sir," said one ia vigorous aside you are
a liar" Sir" responded the other, "you are
q fool" gentlemen, gentlemen" entreatcd
the courteous judge, you will kindly address
your observations to the court"
There are three kisses in world of mis-
cellaneous kisses which may be counted true
the kiss the mother lightly lays upon her
baby's dewy lips, the kiss the mother gives
her boy as he goes forth into the world, and
the kiss we press upon the still, pale lips of
the dead All the rest are like the strawber-
ries in the bottom of the basket-to be taken
with suspicion.
The preacher was going fishing, and Dea-
con Browns little boy was going with him.
The good man had his bait in an oyster can
and gave it to Johnnie to carry. "Why, Mr..
Berry," said the boy in innocent surprise, "do
you carry your bait in a CAM" Certainly;
why not ?" inquired the preacher. II didn't
know" hesitated the boy papa always car
ries his in Jug"
Sir David Baird, q man of VIGOROUSLY VIC
lent temper was one of the prisoners taken
by Hyder Ali. The Oriental despot chained
his prisoners two and two and flung them
into the subterranean dungeons Of the for
tress. The news of this cruel incarceration,
when itreached England, sent thrill ofhor-
ror through the land but the sole comment on
1t made by Bard's stole mother was "God
help the puir chiel that's chained wi DOR
Davy ~
An insurance examiner and adjuster,
who was called upon to investigate a loss in
Pittsburg, inquired of the policy holder,
given?" II vhas ashleep in my bedt" did
any one wake you up?"' "Vhell, my clerk
comes and pounds on der door and says our
shtore vhas gone oop." "What did you dor"
III goes down town to telegraph to Boston
to see if your insurance company vhas gone
oop, too"
Howard Paul tells good story of an
Irishman who in a moment OF pentence, ac-
cepted the blue ribbon. Looking for bev-
erage which, while not intoxicating, would
take hould and bite" he came across bot.
tie of Worcestershire sauce. Pouring out
third of a tumber of the pungent stuff and
filling up with lemonade, he swallowed the
mixture at a gulp After several gasps he
exclaimed "Begorrah, sor, and that bates
all the whisky ever drunk in my life!,'
OF the more than four hundred species
of trees found in the United States, there are
said TO be sixteen species whose perfectly dry
wood will sink in water. The heaviest of
these is the black ironwood of southern
Florida, which is more thar thirty per cent.
heavier than water. OF the other, the best
known are the lignumvite aud mangrove;
another is small oak, found in the noun
,ains of Western Texas, Southern New Mexi-
CO and Arizona, and westward to the Colo
RADIO desert, at an elevation of from 5000 TO
10000 feet.
"A well-to-do old man was DR.. 0sgood,
parson of the First Church. In his time
Springfield was a mere village and Indian
Orchard sheep pasture. The parson owned
the main portion of that ward, conducting it
rs II farm and sheep ranch, and employed
John Corey and his wife tor it, The par
son drove out there to view his possessions
one day and found old Corey drunk, beating
his wife. "Well, well, Mr.. Corey" said the
parson, "a man whipping his wife" Eyes"
Mr.. Corey, recollect that a woman is the
weaker vessel" "Wel, - her, let her
carry less sail then" DR.. Osgood used to
tell this story often. and never omitted
word of old Corey's reply.
An Eastern Story.