Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-12-30
WIT AND HUMIOR.

the country supplies for you. Anarch-
ist-Alasl has it come to that2-
Graphic.
Before the Magistrate; Judge-You
are accused of beating your wife daily.
Prisoner-But your Honor, my doctor
recommended me to take exercise
French Fun.
'Ah, Mrs. Tompkins. that's fine
boy" said Flumley. patting the land
lady's son on the head What do YOU
intend making OF himg" ''Well. think
of making a policeman of him. He
never can be found when he's wanted.
IN Y. Sun. te@
Before introducing a gentleman to a
lady get her permission. If you can't
get it, make up some plausible lie to tell
the gentleman. 1t is impairment to
question servant about family matters
when visiting. Get hold of one of your
hosts children and pump him. Morris
t0Dn Herald.
MY, N.Y." exclaimed good temper
ance worker, as he saw newsboy take
drink of raw whisky; what dread
full thingi And SO young. toor' law.
cheese it. Gully. said the boy, interrupt
| ing him; "dat's all right was brung
up on der bottle, don't yer know. -
Washington Critic.
School Teacher-Come. Bobby, surely
you can spell ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
think what comes after To Bobby Gin
deep thought)-Well. | don't know
which you mean. There's George for
sister Belle, Tommy Brown for me, and
the man pop always tells he will settle
with in the morning. The Judge.
He From the wapt exprethion of
your fathe, NTH Navy, know that
thith autumnal thunthet awoutheth
thoughth of deepetht thentiment in your
mind" She-"Y-e-s; | was thinking
what jolly good lot of colors they'd
be, if i could only get at them. for my
new crazy quilt. "-Rarper'S Bazaar.
II tell you, Bradley, that's the smart
est dog in the world" mo smarter
than a monkey | saw on Walnut street
yesterday. He belonged to an Italian
organ-grinder. He could count. y "Thc
Italian?" mo, the monkey" 20.
nonsense, Bradley" Anyhow, l saw
him run up a column. philadelphia
CdA
Mabel-won't you come in, Charlie?
Charlie (gloomily)-You forget that
your father injured my tenderest feel
ings last evening, when | was leaving.
Yes, darling; but he wore his carpet
| slippers at the time. and now his foot is
done up in ban6age, and he goes on
a crutch. Come in. darling.-LoDeH
Citizen.
Irate Parcnt-"Well, sir. when was
a young man | never squandered my
fathers money in such a scandalous way
as you are doing" Son (who knows
his fathers weakness for cards)-"No.
! perhaps not; but you've been making up
for it by squandering my fathers money
at furious rate ever since you were
young man. Rambler.
What was it that ma said to you
when you came imp whispered young
Bobby to Featherly, one of the guests.
20, simply that she was delighted to see
me; that was all, Bobby" I'm glad
of it" said Bobby. and a look of genu-
inc relief came over his face. "'cause
she said this morning that she hoped
you wouldn't come ~ Y. san.
A st. Louis bank cashier says this is
| the way to tell q twenty-five from a
twenty-cent piece: "On the quarter the
eagle is looking over its right wing, and
on the twenty-cent piece over the left
wing" The chances are twenty-five to
twenty that if that eagle looked him
straight in the eye the cashier would
skip to Canada. Philadelphia NecoS.
Cashier-"All methods of advertising
seem to have failed in our case. What
| is the next thing TO be done?" Head of
the concern-"I don't know. We might
call attention to the firm by giving out
that you are several hundred dollars
short in your accounts. Cashier
Don't you think something purely
fictitious would answer as well?"-Ttd-
Bits.
Physician-Y husband, madam, is
suffering from nervous prostration.
Madam-Yes, sir. Physician-And he
needs something to quiet him. What
| is his business? Madam-He is de-
tective, sir. Physician-Well, slip 50
bill into his hand when he isn't looking
every two hours during the night, and
I'll call again in the morning Good
day.-M y Sun.
"'vc been riding ON the limited cat
tie train all day, madam, said the
tramp in an imploring tone OF voice,
land my feet are very tired. Would you
mind letting me sleep tonight in the
COW pasture back of the barn?" Ger
tainly not" replied the woman kindly,
"and I'll tell John to put up the bars
snug and tight so you won't catch
cold. IN Y. Sun.
"Its a solemn thing. young man,
said the broken-hearted father, ITO come
into the home of an old man and take
away his only daughter, the light Of bis
household, and the prop and solace of
his declining years. But you nave my
blessing, and / wish you every JOY and
-" "But / won't take her away,
sir" interrupted the young man, mex
pressibly affected. We'll both stag
right here. "-NeW York Sun.
Most editors are cranks, aren't they,
Charley?" asked young Mrs. Slowboy.
'The papers are so full of the queerest
drinks and wrinkles. - what papers.
darling?' asked Charley. Curl pa
pers," calmly replied Mrs. Siowboy, as
her husband lay fainting on the floor
| They reused him to consciousness, but
the vacant stare in his lusterless eyes
told them that he knew he had married
a female paragrapher. -Bardstte.
Seedy individual would like to get
measured for suit. Fashionable tailor
| (suspiciously) about what price.
sir? Seedy indiyidual-It makes no
difference. Fashionable tailor Gas be-
fore)-We generally require deposit
from unknown parties Seedy individual
| (calmly)-I do not wish you to make
the suit. 1t has been so long since |
enjoyed this experience that | simply
wish TO get measured. Philadelphia
| Call.
Dear me, Maud, had such fright
full accident this afternoon" "What
was it, dear? Tell me quickp' ''Wen,
/ was riding in my cart and the horse
became frightened, ran away, and /
was thrown out right in front OF the
| Union Club" How terriblef' Yes,
and that was not the worst ! had for
gotten TO put on my embroidered stock
llngs could have stood the other,
kstsf +haf-'' ~ II WIG bcyriblep'-