The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1886-03-27
Why We Laugh.

Why We Laugh.
Always brings down the house-a
cyclone
1t is the man with the dark beard
who never says dye.
The laundress' daily soIiloquy
"Ayc, there's the rub"
Dried apple parties are said to
be very swell affairs.
An exchange has the heading
peace, Not War; Now did any
body ever say it was?
With population of $1,000, 600,
China has not a single paupsr. This
is easily explained by the fact that
all the Chinese paupers come to this
country.
II an and and an and a Ii, with an x at the end
And an E and and spell' pray what is a
speller to do?
Then i also an and an and and spell
eide
There's nothing much left for speller to do but to
go and commit Siouxeyesighed.
The Kentucky papers are busily
engaged in correcting an impression
which has formed in that State that
''innocnous dcsuetudc" is a new
brand of Bourbon.
1ngersoll's sweeping assertion
"that nothing is ever lost" staggers
our faith in him. If he excerpts UNI
brellas he can restore the religious
harmony between us.
A New Yorker offers to cure a
case of hydrophobia by the sweat
ing cure for $500. We fear it would
make the patient sweat so profusely
to pay the bill that he would have a
fatal relapse.
In Poland each male guest at a
wedding is expected to pay dollar
for the privilege of kissing the bride,
but club rates are much lower, and
the man who gets up the club gets
an extra kiss.
In an old cemetery at Philadelphia
is maidstone bearing the inscrip-
ton, sacred to the memory of S. L.
U. Lloyd" Had the owner of the
name lived little later, his friends
would probably have called him
"Celluloid."
One of the cruelest retorts made
by any musical audience is reported
from California. A vocalist was
warbling to her own great satisfac-
tion-"Oh, would that l were bird"
A rough miner replied, "Oh, would
that l were gun"
WifeA"Therc! the paper saws
that the Redwood family, out in the
Yosemite valley, are often seen with
trunks forty feet in diamter. Now.
don't you'ever complain of the size
Of my trunks again, Richard. These
Redwoods aren't much of family,
either. l never heard of them"
A young lady teacher in the High
School at Tiffin, Ohio, accomplished
the feat of whipping thirty-five boys,
ranging from to IA years, in thirty
five minutes. Next day she wrote
an essay entitled woman the Weak
er VESSEL" and that night sat up
with young man six hours. De
spite her many talents she can't
vote.
Several years ago, while the peo-
pie Of West Tennessee were alarmed
at the approach of yellow fever,
Judge +. convened court at Bolivar.
Court had been but few days in
session when the reports from Mem
phis caused additional excitement.
There were many witnesses attend
ant upon court, and, very naturally,
they importuned the judge to per-
nit them to go home. The business
part of the community, willing to run
any risk for the sake Of trade, de-
clared that the scare was unneces-
sary, and that the disease was not
yellow fever. A number of physi-
clans soon appeared, with more
learning than judgment, repaired to
the court room and assured the
judge that no danger of an epidemic
was to be apprehended.
THE disease said one of the
medical gentlemen, lis not yellow
fever, but is zipuporastory."
"You are wrong, DOCTOR" said an
other physician, for investigation
proves it to be posurentiscait."
NO" said another doctor, you
are both wrong. l admit that it is
not yellow fever, and that it can
never become an epidemic, but is
nothing more or less than an cxag-
gerated type of costinetordigpji."
Then there arose heated discus
sion in which the judge was unable
to take part. He waited patiently
until the discussion cooled down,
then turning to the doctors, said:
II have been much entertained
and greatly instructed by the dis
cussion which you gentlemen have
so ably conducted. / do not pretend
to say what the disease is, for l am
not verscd in such sciences. 1t may
be acute jehosiphat, exaggerated
pollywog, indammatory Jim crow or
a mild type Of cpluribus unum, but
there's one thing do know. It's
awful ketchin' and Tn going to ad
journ this court" w