Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1886-12-09
The Old Mans Trouble.

Two prominent citizens of wealth
nd responsibility, about sixty years
old, met at lunch counter in saloon
for the noon meal few days since as
is usual with them. They rescued
few pieces OF rye bread from the plate
on the counter, painted placques on the
slices with mustard spoon, spread q
few floating slices Of hcad-cheese from
the vinegar on plate, and taking their
glasses of beer, sat down at a round
table, blew the foam or the beer and
drank cow-swallow before tackling the
lunch.
B II" said one to the other 81 have
noticed lately that you had an air OF
nervousness aud irritation. You look
cross, and have thought that maybe
things were not going all ght with
you IN business. II there is anything
wrong. and you need friend, you
ought to know me well enough to speak
out. Ii there Is anything | can do to
help friend, will do il"
10. John" said the other, with
sigh, rs he shook his beer-glass aud
watched tho bubbles ra so to tho top,
"thcre Is nothing you can do for me.
II Is not business that bothcrs me, i
am great sufferer. There Is not
minute Of the day but suffer tho tor
lures Of the damned"
Great heavens, you surprise me,
said his friend, al supposed you were
the healthiest man in the world Have
you, talked with doctor about itP'
doctors are no good for what ais
me- said the old party. II sutfor
from underclothcs, My skin Is sensi-
tive, aud for forty years ] have tried TO
get some sort Of tlannel for underwear
that would not SGT mo crazy, ] sup
pose have spent hundred thousand
dollars experiment with underwear
Sometimes will SEQ In store suit
Of fine flannel that IL rs soft as silk,
and warm. and | will buy It, and think
that am fixed for the winter, aud that
Twill be happy. Tho first time 1t Is
washed the shirt shrInks so ] can not
get into 1t, and II is not big enough for
child ten years old. The drawers
shrink so they come up above my
knees, they are too small around, and
tho cloth "fulls." so II Is rs thick us a
board, aud smells like soap grease o.
how | suffer. Again | will give tho
underclothes TO the hired man. and
buy some soft knit goods. and find that
they are full of burs, that seem To come
of the sheep. and every little piece Of
burr sticks cruelty into my skin. and |
not only wish | was dead. but | wish
tho man that made undcrclothes was
dead, and that the sheep that raised
tho wool, with the prickers In II, was
dead Last year u friend stoored mo onto
some sort Of camel hair underclothes,
/ was fixed. but after wearing
them day found that each par
ticular camel s hair in the goods was n
hogs bristc, put In 40 the sharp end
would perioratc me, aud was wild.
and wanted TO kill my friend. | have
tried all the different kinds OF under
| ware that was ever manufactured, and
after wearing it once, have given II
| away, until every man that works for
me Ii wearing my underclothes, and |
| have sent car loads of IL to relat ves all
over this country. am u victim OF
rough drawers aud sand-paper lined
undorshirts, and shall 90 TO my grave
scratching my back and legs, and cuss-
| ing somebody. Now you seem to he
perfectly contented aud ut your ease,
what do you wear for undcrclotles.
IL don't wear any," sad the friend.
rs no ompt cd the glass of beer and
raped on the table for more. Every fall
| have ahouse painter come and paint
my body good warm color--terra cot
Ia is my style til = fall-rub II down with
sand-paper and shellac' aud put on .
coat OF yarniSh. and am warm and
comfortable MI winter"
you are condemned liar" said
| the one with the underclothcs. and
| they shook dice to see who should pay
| for the lunch. --Peck's Sun.