The Arkansaw traveler., 1886-01-09
IMPROVED GEOGRAPHY.
IRnl Nre. in Chicaro New..l


 regret to say, modestly desire to own and Lords and the fulness thereof Some men do not care who owns the earth so long as they get the fitness.
 The earth Is , GOO GOO GOO years of axe, according to Prof, Proctor, but she doesn't look it to me. The duke of Argyll main tains that she is but To GOO GOO years old last August, but what does an ordinary duke know about these thingss So far as l am concerned 1 will put Procto' s memory against that of any loW~priced duke that have ever seen.
 Newton claimed that the earth would gradually dry up and become porous, and that water would at last become a curios- ity. Many believe this and are rapidly preparing their systems by a rigid course of treatment, 60 that they can live for years without the use of water internally or externally.
 Other scientists who have sat up nights to monkey with the solar system, and thereby shattered their nervous systems, claim that the earth Is getting very top heavy at the north pole, and that one ot these days while we are thinking ol some thing else, the great weight of accumu- lated ice, snow, and the vast accumnla- tion of secondhand Arctic relief expedi- tons, will jerk the earth out oi its present position with so much spontaniety, and in such an extremely forthwith manner, that many people will be permanently stEabismussed and much bric- a. .brac will be for sale at a great sacrifice. This may or may not be true. l have no, been up in the Arctic regions to investigate its truth or falsity, though there seems to be growing sentiment throughout the country in favor of my going. A great many people during the last year have written me and given me their consent. If l could take about twenty good picked men and go up there for the sum mer instead of bringing back twenty picked men. wouldn't mind the trip, and feel that we really ought to have a larger colony on ice in that region than VIC nov have.
 The earth is composed of land and water. Some of the water has large chunks of ice in il. The earth revolves around its own axle once in tweniy-tour hours, though it seems to revolve faster than that and to wobble good deal dur ing the holidays. Nothing ,ickles the earth more than to confuse man when he is coming home late at night, and to rise | up suddenly and hit him in the back with a town lot People who think there is no fun nor relaxation among the heavenly bodies certainly have not studied their habits. Even the moon is a humoiist. friend of mine who was returning late at night from a regular meeting ol the society for the amclieTatiou of the hot scotch, said that the eaph rose up suddenly in front of him and hit him with a right of way, and as he was about to rise up again he was stunned by a terrific blow between the shoulders with an old land grant that he thought had iapsed years ago. When he staggered to his feet he found that the moon, in order to add to his confusion, had gone down in front of him and risen again behind him with her thumb on her nose.
 So say, withou, fear of successful con tradiction, that if you do not think tha, planets and orbs and one thing and an other have fun on the quiet, you are grossly ignorant of their habits.
 The earth is about half way he,wee n Mercury and Saturn in the matter of den- sity. Mercury is of about the specific gravity of iron, while that Of Saturn cor responds with cork in the matter of den sity and specific gravity. The earth ol course does not compare with Mercury in the matter of solidity, yet 1t is amply firm for all practical purposes. A negro who fell out of the tower of the twelve story building while trying to clean the upper window by drinking a quart of al. cohol and then breathing hard on the glass, says that he regards the earth as perfectly solid and safe to do business on for years to come. He claims that those who maintain that the earth's crust is only 2.5oo miles in thickness have not thoroughly tested the matter by a system of practical experiments. The poles of the earth are purely imaginary. l hate to print this statement in a large paper in such way as to ipjure the reputation of the great writers on this subject who still cling to the theory that the earth revolves upon large poles and that the aurora bagealis is but the reflection from A hot box at the North pole, but l am here to tell the truth, and if my readers think 1t disagreeable to read the truth what must my anguish be to have to tell it1 The mean diameter of the earth is 7,oi6 Eng. fish statute miles, but the actual diame- ter from pole to pole is a still meaner diameter, being 7.S9o miles, while the equatorial diameter is 7,oz5 r.2 miles.
 The long and patient struggle of our earnest and tireless geographers and sa- wants in past years in order 10 obtain these figures and have them exact few can fully realize. The long and thankiess job of measuring the diameter of the earth, no matter what the weather might be, away from home and friends, foot-sore and weary, still plodding on, fatigued but de- termined to know the mean diameter of the earth. even if it took a leg measur- ing on for thousands of weary miles and getting farther and farther away from home and then forgetting, perhaps, how many thousand miles they had gone, and being compelled to go back and measure