Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-11-17
Election Day and Night,


intelligent except at election time.
About a week before election he be-
gins to act up. He saddles the party
on his back and begins to grow thin
and pale and nervous. His mind is
filled with majorities, straights, splits,
slips, canards and candidates.
give him Hail Columbia-I have
even kept him awake all night talk
ing to him-but it does little or no
good. The old crank is figuring out
a net gain of 1913 in the Fourth Pre-
cinct of the Sixth Ward all the time
I'm talking, and when forced by
exhaustion to stop for moment, he
looks at me with glistening eyes,
reaches out his paw and yells:
"Whoopl shake tell you, we've
got 'em !"
The closer it gets to election day
the more of an idiot he becomes.
Strange men come to the house, and
he takes them out into the ally for a
whispered conversation, during which
they nod and gesture and chuckle and
shake paws. He is called out of bed
to stand on the front step and mutter
and humble with strangers who may
be midnight assassins for all | know.
/ wish they were. / wish they'd hit
him with n sand-bag and render him
unconscious until after election. He
slips out nights without asking my
advice or consent, and along towards
midnight, after | have the whole
police force looking for him, he
comes sncaking in and confdentially
whispers:
"Say, Hammer, it's all fixed to run
Bilker in the Seventh ward, and his
election assures us a grand victory all
along the line !"
"You old idiot but what do | care
about Bilker or your grand victory"
I yell at him.
Ssh Don't talk so loud or the
will get on to our racket"
And the way he and the rest of 'em
write communications to the papers
signed Pro Bono Publico," "Veritas,"
"Workingman" and Taxpayer is
perfectly awful. I've known Bowser
to sit down and write whole yard Of
stuff, claiming to know exactly what
allied the country, and furnishing
political panacea for it, sign it Truth"
and sends it off to appear next morn
ing in print and scare half the
country to death. Bowser know
what ails the country! Why, he
dosen't know wart from a stone
bruise!
1t is on election day that his vived
foolishness glares like an electric
light. He gets up half an hour
earlier, gulps down hasty breakfast,
and rushes off to peddle tickets and
votes and see to bringing
out the full vote. He doesn't go,
though, before | have said to him:
"Bowser, you are 6at-footed idiot
You turn with crank! You ought
to be turned out with the kangaroos
You"
"We'll make the majority 1000
all around and bury the opposition
out of sightp he exclaims, looking
at me in such a dreadful way that
| feel shivers race up and down my
spine.
At noon | hear that he has bet our
house and lot on his favorite candi-
date.
AT 8 o'clock chat he has been pound
ed all to jelly.
At 6 o'clock he has bet our horse,
COW, the baby and the cook-stove on
At 0 that he has offered to bet me
against a SIS overcoat.
At 10 that he has gone to political
headquarters to stay a week, and that
when some one asked after my health
he replied.
"Furs' rate-tuff's ole rhinosceros
an twice's ugly! 'Rah fur Zheneral
Zhackson !"
At midnight kick his Sunday plug
nat across the floor, fling his slippers
'ut doors, smash his pipe and 60 to
bed. I'll settle with Mr.. Bowser
when he comes home, and if blood is
Ipilt the law must hold me blameless.
At noon next day he comes home in a
rack, hat smashed, pockets inside out,
,oat-tails torn off and $50 suit of
clothes completely gone. His bat is
IN the back of his head, his eyes
and beer stains all over his
rest. / arm myself to slaughter him,
'ut he begins to cry and protest:
"Shay, Hammer. go light on 'er fell