News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-08-12

w 1ll1o kSldId DIOlhClJ'
know all about it, and his outgo, too.
Clara: Willie, what are you talking
about2
Willie: Well l do. last night his
income was about seven o'clock, and
his outgo after eleven--1ad BITS.
CLIMATIC NOTE.
Fsmeralda LOngcoffin IS the most
affected old maid in Austin. There Is
no end to the airs she puts on. At
lawn party given by Parson Surplus Eel,
Gilhooly asked:
''Will you have a dab of ice cream,
Miss Longcoffin?"
"Oh, Mr.. Gilhooly, do you think that
I am dressed warm enough for lce
cream ?"-IelaS SJtings.
TOO SOUR.
"Charley," said young Mrs. Tockei
to her husband, II don't mind you
drinking once in a while, as long as you
eat plenty of cloves, but do hope you'll
always drink nice, pure, sweet whisky.
! saw a sign in the street the other day
which says whisky sours, and l know
the stuff must be unhealthy after il
sours. "-Nerchdnt TrdCeler.
A HIT.
''Mamma," said little fellow, who
had come out sccc nd best IN little set
to with his playmate, Mamma, Jim
Slow hit me-"
"Well, why didn't you hit him back,
my son?" inquired his mother,
"iCause," " he replied, 81 was afraid
he'd hit me agin. = Chicago Ne'os.
HIS FATHERS MISFORTUNE.
Old Lady Ito small boy)-Aren't you
afraid of catching cold, little boy, going
about in your bare feet?
Small Boy-I never wear shoes, 'cept
in cold wedder.
Old Lady-Why not7 Can't yol get
them?
Small Boy-No'm. Me fadder is
shoemaker.
KILLING TINE.
City Boarder-What can fellow dc
to kill time here2 Tell me-
Farmer-Waal, l dunno. How'd yer
like ter whitewash the chicken houseG-
Judge.
DOTS AND DAsHEs.
THERE never was so good day as to-
dav and to morrow will be better.
AS AN ambiguous statement is neither
here nor there, where is lt4
MoDEsTY is very becoming in fool,
but 1t makes man appear like fool.
TINE makes age, and time will come
to man, even if he fails to come to
time.
WHEN woman wants to drive hen
she shakes her dress at 1t. Cloth shoes,
as it were.
A GREEN turtle can live six weeks on
nothing, and a London Alderman can
live six weeks on green turtle.
IT is not a misfortune for a young
lady to lose her good name when nice
young gentleman gives her abetter one.
The reason some men never meet with
| any failures in life is because they neve
make any efforts to succeed.
IMPUDENCE may win in trial heat
but when the bona fide race is rur
ability is pretty certain to pocket the
money.
IT costs but little to live according to
the demands of nature, the main ex-
pense is living according to the require
ments of fashion.
The only crop that will be above the
average this year, is the crop of candi-
dates. The drought has no effect upon
them.
HAST thou a grievance2 1t is a bad
thing to carry around Sell your griev-
ance for a song, but do not sing the
song.
IT seems a hard thing that so many
dudes should be walking about with
nothing to do. when the hand organ
man has to pay $40 for monkey.
Col. JOHN L. SULLIvtN is having q
slugging match with Major John Barley
corn, and the Major seems to be getting
a good deal the better of 1t.
ONE of the strange things noticed
about the young ladies of New Haven
is that they are quite polite to the young
men of the city when the college is not
in session.
SMITH-I saw you carrying home 6
couple of nice-looking watermelons last
night. Brown. How much did they
cost you2 Brown--I don't know yet
| The doctor is up at the house now.
| WHEN a man takes two cigars from
his pocket, puts one in his mouth, anc
offers YOU the other with the informa.
tion that they are two for quarter, yor
can generally make up your mind thai
he is going to smoke the twenty-cent
! one.
A LITTI chap told by his mother tc
say his prayers and, ask for what he
wanted, prayed for zone hundred broth,
| ers and fifty sisters" The mother was
so disgusted with the petition that she
hurried the little sinner off to bed be-
fore he could say, Amen.
Now THAT Niagara rapids have beer
safely navigated, there is but one more
world to conquer. If some man will
90 into Wall street and come out un
scratched the Niagara Falls hero will no
be worthy TO black his shoe. There's
big gate to immortality. Who'll be tn,
first2
Now COMES an iconoclast and say
that "there is colored man who live
at Mt. Vernon, where George is buried
and he told lady that once there wa
little slave boy named Ike, who Lives
with Mr. Washington's family, and tina
what George really said was, Il canno
tell lie, father, Ike did it, but tha
the father didn't hear straight"
LITTLE Phil had always mentione
each member of the family in his ever
ing prayer, but the other night he lei
out the baby. "Why, Phil, you forge
your dear little brother His blac
eyes flashed with the answer: "There
no room in my prayers for my litt
brother; there's no room in this houS
for him; and what's more, there nevc
has beenm
WTCVEn Tho rooFhar Of ax- X ed IL