Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1886-09-02
HUMOROUS.
SOME DAsHES OF WIT AND BITS
OF HUMOR.


The moth exhibits much taste in
dress.
Suspended animation = The girl in
the hammock.
The great trouble with the buzz saw
Is that 1t never wears false teeth.
Idiosyncrasy of the English language:
why Is 1t that man is said to leave
the earth Just the moment he enters it?
" Is that dog ferocious?" said trav-
eler to an Alk.iisaw man. "No, he
amt ferociOus, but he's the darndest
dog to bite ever you seed"
This is a world of disappointments
any way. Some people are disappointed
in love, and 4 good many more are dis
appointed in marriage.
In the excavations at Pompeii man
was found on his hands and knees. We
Were not aware that the collar button
was of such early origin.
1t is about time for somebody among
the back seats to rise up and remark
that the mosquito bar, like the cam
paign lie, is made out OF whole cloth
At the horticultural exhibition. He:
This is q lime tree, Clara. But you
are not looking She: Yes, Charles,
l see it, but was wondering how they
extracted the mortar from it"
In the country. A young woman
rushes breathlessly into the house of
her friends. "Thank fortune, my dear,
we are going to Paris at lastl Papa
has been bitten by mad dog"
An Ohio female teacher who is but
! twenty-five years of age can talk seven
languages. yet she may wink and wink
at the clerk at the soda water fountain
and he wouldn't understand her.
The versatile Boston girl He (ten-
derly): "And what do you think of
the engagement ring l sent you,
Jennie?' She (delighte0 "Oh 1t is
beautiful; in fact, the handsomest one
ever had given me-"
"What has become of my boot-jack ?"
said TowSer savagely, as he knocked
things about. had it last night"
=" It's on the mantelpicce," replied Mrs.
Towser. covered it with plush to-
day and painted some flowers on it.
Isn't it loyelyY"
A fashionable young man lately pre-
sented his sweetheart with string of
| pearls. AS she hung them joyously
about her neck cloud came over her
brow, and she cried. Beloved, do not
pearls betoken tears?" Don't fear"
was the response; them's imitation"
"Do you like winter, Mr.. Litewait ?"
Not very much, FreddyW "Then
why do You always go buggy riding on
cold day. ~ don't. What makes vUm
think SOP" "Why, sister Clara said it
would be O cold day when you offered
TO take any girl buggy riding"
Tomlinson: Good-by. Miss Flea
nor" But you've already said good
to me, Mr.. Tomlinson.' Tomlinson
(who is always ready for some pretty
specify" Have i, really? Well, one
can't do a pleasant thing too often, you
knowl
The water carts of Lowell are decor
ated with patent medicine advertise.
ments. An innocent !rishman from
the rural districts looked at one the
other day and remarked. "Faith. no
wonder Lowell Is healthy when they
water the streets with IS sarsapar-
lila"
Young Wife: "I'm determined To
learn at just what hour my husband
comes home at night; yet, do what
VIII cannot Keep awake, and he is
always careful not to make a particle
of noise. Is there any drug which pro-
duces wakefulness Old Wife: aNo
need to buy drugs. Sprinkle the floor
with tacks."
A little girl, who is just at the age
when her table manners are beginning
to be looked after, called out at supper
one night recently: "Give me some"
"How do You ask y said mamma, cor
rectively. Please give me some cake"
! returned the little miss, and added, un
ahaslled: Il didn't forget. l was
saving 1t up"
A wealthy New Yorker had engaged
n splendid cottage mt Newport, and also
a new driver for his horses. The driver
was advised To b. very polite If he in
tended to keep his place. ACCORDINGLY.
when the master went to the Queen
Anne stable the following dialogue en-
sued: Master" well, John, how are the
horses" Coachmail-."They are quite
well, sir, thank you, and how are you "
The bright six -year-old son of a genial
clergyman had been engaged with some
OF his friends in wrong-d0ing, and he
was called into the house in circum
stances that seemed Ominous. "Did
you get thrashedp" inquired one of his
matter-Of-fact companions the next day.
"Well, yes, did" admitted the Young
| philosopher; "but / should have got
off all right if there'd been anything for
supper that father liked
Two friends met the otherday. "Have
you been ill.," asked the first. "You
don't look we'll" ayes; am not feel
ing altogether right. The fact is have
consulted three physicians, and they
don't seem to agree upon the cause OF
my malady." GLOW Is that?' Well
the first said, had consumption, and
the second heart-disease." sand what
did the third tell your "0h, he gave
me to understand what the third one
always does, that the other two were
assesw
A little boy visited his aunt in the
country not long since. One day, at the
dinner-table, the lady complained that
jar OF favOrite preserves had mysteri-
ously disappeared from the pantry.
Each one present disclaimed any Rnowl-
edge Of the fact, except the little boy,
who remained studiously silent. At
length, being asked II he knew what
had become Of the missing fruit, he
ingenuously replied, Papa doesn't
allow me to talk at table,"
d.
"Pa, does God make anything in
vainY "No, my child; why do you
ask such question:" aPa, didn't a
whole lot of generals In the war get
beatY" Yes, my sonp" "Got licked
every time, didn't theyp" ayes. my
dear" "Never licked the rebels once %
"No, my SON" " Got scared and run
every time the rebels came near 'em p"
"Yes." swell, didn't God make those
generals in vainy' 30h, no, my poor,
simple-hearted child. He made them