davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
TRlF0LIATA,
Beloved daughter Of
GERALD AND VAsELISE TuBBs,
Died March 2T. 1888.
She caught cold in her front name. /.

have seen young lady try faithfully to
live down one of these fiimsy, cheese cloth
names, but the harsh world would not have it.
A good name is rather to be chosen than great
riches, and while / can imagine your little
girl in future years as a whitehaired and
lovely grandmother, wearing the name of
Mary or Ruth, with double chin that seems
to ever beckon the old gentleman to come and
chuck his fat forefinger under it, l cannot, In
my minds eye, see her as u household deity,
wearing white cap and the name Of Rosette
or Penumbra, or Sogodontia, or Catalpa, or
Voxhumania.
Good-by, fond mother. Do not be offended
at what have said. Never having had any
experience as a mother, for that is not my
forte, have assumed a good deal Of response
bility in thus writing you, but ask you as
between man and man never to give your
daughter a name that will make her butt of
ridicule when Gabriel pours it out of his
horn.
George r. Beath, Arcola, Ills, writes to
know "the value of a silver dollar of 1878
with eight feathers in the eagles tail"
1t is worth what you can get for it, Mr..
Beath. Perhaps the better way would be to
forward it to me and viii do the best can
with it. There being but eight feathers in
the eagles tail would be no drawback Send
it to me at once and will work it of for you,
Mr. Beath.-Bill Nye in Boston Globe.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
ONE WILDCAT BY PI ST.
a RI 4 by Humorous Citizens of Guntowe
to Get Rid of a Postmaster.


GUSTowN, n. NJ, Oct S.-The postmaster
here died about a year ago, and considerable
trouble has been experienced in finding new
one who would be satisfactory and COM
petent For a long time there was no ap-
pointment, the diminutive weekly mail being
opened on arrival by the first man who hap
pened to get it, At length the people con-
cluded TO petition for the appointment Of Sim
Duff, who keeps a saloon here He was q
Jackson Democrat and his standing in the
community was good The only other men
in town who had the facilities for keeping the
Office were another saloon keeper named Fritz
and & grocer, who also kept liquor, named
Beebe. As the request for Duffs appoint
ment was almost unanimous it was supposed
that he would get the place, but after while
Beebe was appointed, as the special agent at
Santa Fe explained, because DUFF kept a
saloon, and it was against the policy of the
administration to appoint saloon keepers.
That made everybody mad. Beebe had
never been popular, was unable TO read or
write, and was, moreover, very stupid fel-
low, not more than half witted, as some peo-
pie said.
To get even with all hands the citizens held
meeting and put up job, which was some
time in coming to head. Beebe, in the
meantime, had received his commission and
was doing his best with the mails One day
last week old Herrick Price, who used TO live
in Tennessee, drove up in front of Beebes
place, hitched his horses, and yanked young
wildcat out of his wagon The beast was
frisky and ugly, but apparently not danger
GUS On his collar was a card bearing the
address:
To the President of the United States, from
the grateful Democratic citizens of Gun
town, y. NJ:
A natural curiosity. Democratic from tip
to tip, Feed him and treat him gently. He
is used 10 luxury.
Pulling the beast into the postofice, old
man Price asked what ths postage on him
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

would be. Beebe didn't know. He had
never handled any wildcats before. Well,
Price had He had mailed one to Mr.. Arthur,
and before his day the boys had sent bear
to Gen. Grant He wanted to know what
the tax would be. Beebe opened book and
pretended to read. Then he looked at the
wildcat, and next at Price. At length he
stammered out something TO the effectShat it
would probably be about ten stamps Price
bought the stamps, stuck them on the cats
collar, and turned him over to the post
master, with an injunction to be careful of
HIM
That afternoon when the mail carrier came
along he refused to take the animal Beebe
swore that he should, because the postage had
been paid The driver said he would lick
Beebe first, whereupon the postmaster, who
was a man of high temper, struck the driver
in the face A fight ensued, and while it was
in progress the wildcat got mad and ran into
the grocery, where he crawled under
counter When Beebe and the mail carrier
had settled their differences, the former went
after the cat, but was soon warned by the
animals demeanor that intimacy with him
was not safe. BY this time the town was on
the outside watching the fun.
The driver and Beebe tried various expert
ments in the hope of getting the beast out,
but without sucI ess, until at length they hit
upon the plan Of putting a big leather mail
bag near him with piece of meat in it, the
idea being that he would dash into the bag
for the meat and they could then close it
quickly and thus have him securely done up
for his long journey. The plan worked to
perfection, and few minutes later the crowd
in front had the pleasure of seeing the driver
and Beebe emerge, carrying the bag contain
ing the compliments of the citizens of Gun
town To simplify matters Beebe had at
tached TO the bag card on which the mail
carrier had written:
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

Sunday afternoon a man suddenly ep-
peared ut a three-story window in an un-
finished building on Grand River street and
seemed to begin preparations to commit sui
eide by leaping to the pavement. A crowd
of forty or fifty people speedily gathered in a
half circle Selow, and although all seemed to
be aware of what was going on not voice
was raised to prevent the stranger carrying
out his designs. He removed his coat and
looked down as if estimating the distance.
Then he removed his vest and looked down
again.
Some Of the crowd asked each other in low
tones If his intention was to jump, and were
answered that there was no doubt Of it, The
man removed his collar and tie after his vest,
and then spit ON his hands and took his posi-
ton square in the window. No one below
moved a foot.
There was half minute Of silence, during
which everybody mentally calculated on the
exact spot he would strike, and something
like a shudder passed over the crowd. Then
the unknown man spit on his hands once
more, raised them above his head, and calmly
remarked:
my friends, this is TO inform you that l
shall occupy this building Nov. with large
and well selected stock of staple and fancy
groceries. shall do strictly cash business,
and it will be my aim to"
But the last one had turned the corner
Detroit Free Press
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

Cincinndtus pditinJ to be kidndpcd.
Here, then, is Cincinnatus, the man who
first made this discovery. The artist has
happily caught the expression of this eminent
man Just as the Office is in the act of seeking
him. He has resolved to sell his life as dearly
as possible He will yield at last, however,
and tear himself away from his precocious
steers.
In the distance, too far off in fact to work
into this issue Of the paper, is the toga Of
Cincinnatus. 1t is hanging on tall pole as a
flag, where he has used it to sight" across the
field while he struck out a long furrow To
look at the furrow few would believe that the
great dictator intended to strike out for the
flag.
The artist has caught the true idea in this
picture, and shows the great statesman and
general in the pose of a Thoughtful and philan-
thropical man, who has fully decided that at
the prevailing price of wheat he would care
fully and prayerfully consider any overtures
of the people at heart.
Cincinnatus was an austere man of the
patrician style OF architecture and carefully
reached his hair, as well as the tail of his
Roman mule. He was imperious in the ex-
treme and courted an investigation whenever
the papers got after him. He was the pioneer
in this line
The day came at last when a dark horse
was needed and the chairman of the Roman
central committee went to Cincinnatus to
seek out the great man. The chairman is
just getting over the barbed wire fence and
the eminent Roman agriculturist has at that
moment got his eye on him, as our artist
rapidly transfers the portrait to canvas.
1t was but the work of moment to unyoke
old Brin and Bally and accept the Office of
dictator. Putting on his toga, the great man
began to dictate in less than forty-eight
hours. He went to the house, washed his
hands in a tin basin of cistern water, with
soft soap, put some fresh fine cut in the in
side pocket Of his toga, and was drawing a
salary on the following Monday at o'clock.
The first thing he did was to call for more
troops He then marched against the enemy
and captured everybody. He then returned,
having been dictator sixteen days at 81 per
day. He drew his pay and resigned to accept
the portfolio of buckwheater on his own
property.
We have no American to-day who could
accept the command of our regular army,
whip the Apaches, and be back on the farm
in sixteen days. And yet Cincinnatus con-
quered hostile nation, paid the public debt,
and got home in time to do his fall piowing
II we read the history Of Cincinnatus care
fully and look thoughtfully at his equestrian
portrait as it is here presented we are forced
TO admit that he was either one of the greatest
men Of whom we know or that he wrote the
matter up himself for one Of the Roman
magazines. Nye in Chicago News.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
Where a Lie Might be Improved.

The champion liar halls from Pike county,
Ind, and the following yarn is probably the
greatest effort Of his We: "A young lady who
was watching my binding harvester at work
fell upon the table and was carried up with
the grain. As the girl was about the size of
bundle, the machine did not recognize the
difference, and so she came through with a
neat little string around her waist. One of
the harvest hands caught her as the machine
kicked her out, and set her on the ground
right side up, when it was found that she had
been more frightened than hurt" Now, if
this yeracious agriculturist had only added
that the machine threshed the young woman,
and shook from her face the -four without
which no self-respecting young woman's
toilet is complete. and barreled said flour for
market by the aid of the young woman's
hoops, his story would possess completeness
and symmetry which would cause it TO pass
current everywhere as a great and unap-
proachabie work Of art.-Boston Transcript.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

Said a theatre manager: "Step this way.
please, and will show you why rehearsals
are kept inviolate from the intrusion Of
strangers"
As / followed him into thsrdimly lighted
auditorium slim, graceful young woman
stood on the stage. recognized her as a popu-
lar burlesquer, though in skirts she did not
look much like her professional self Sine was
in the posture Of a singer bowling her graft
tude to an audience. Then fellow ran down
the center aisle, carrying newspaper roughly
punched in the shape of a bouquet. He handed
it across the orchestra rail She started in
glad surprise, held for an instant an attitude
of irresOlute astonishment, then smiled sweet
ly, took the paper, lifted it to her nose for a
sniff, bowed low right and left, and backed OFF
the scene. She was practicing for the recep-
ton Of the flowers which she was to get in the
evening. g.-GalvestOn News.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
A DANGEROUS SURGICAL opERArro

A DANGEROUS SURGICAL OPERATION.
"A fatal mistake. AT the time Dr. Vance,
of Cleveland. performed the operation on
the lady for tine removal of cancer of the
stomach, he found. when too late, that the
poor woman had no cancer to be removed.
The disease was indigestion, and if she had
taken the Shaker Extract of Roots (SiegeI's
Syruy), that awful distress at the pit of the
stomach, which made the doctors think she
had cancer, would have been removed.
Distress after eating, dull, heavy feeling in
the head, with pains in the side and back
ali vanish after using this wonderful rem
edy. The tired, languid feeling gives place
to strength and vigOr.
Mrs. Della Marsh writes from Pea Ridge,
Benton Co., Ark, that she had dyspepsia
in the worst form for five years, and that
nothing gave any relief until she used the
Siegel Syrup.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
knowledge vs.. Intelligence,

By way Of pointing out the difference be-
tween illiteracy and lack Of intelligence, The
Historian submits the appended letter, which
was sent to a lawyer in reply to the latter's
advertisement for boy to work in his office
The letter which follows is exceedingly litter
ate, but it is running over with intelligence
The Historian may precede it with the state
ment that the evident zeal and earnestness
Of the boy who wrote it were regarded as
fully compensating for the defects in his SPELL
ing, and he was taken into the lawyers office
on trial at once:
mister want the job mi foxes aint rich
an got to rssSle they are ded. it betes hel
how hard times is i can do chores an learn
fast want a job in your Office let me in
JIMMY CARRIGAy.
TIE name of Jimmy Carrigan may yet
be renowned in the annals of the co,pmon-
wealth. Boston Record
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17


boat turned upside down, and not being able
10 swim with his legs in the air, he was
drowned.
Boat and bull were afterward found lying
dead in each others arms-or legs Then
came the suit. Jones ssed Smith for the
value of the boat, and Smith sued Jones for
the worth of the bull This is the great case
of Bullum VS. Boatum. Itwas argued fifteen
times before full bench, that is to say, each
occupant of the bench was full
First came the argument for the bull:
"The bull, roared his counsel, awas strictly
within his rights. He was exercising his legs
in the evening Hay was his natural food
The right TO eat hay was given him by Magma
Charta- He was suddenly tempted by de-
lcious hayband, and he did not resist 1t was
not in the nature or constitution of a bull to
resist temptation He ate that hayband-
and in order to eat the whole of it he got into
the boat. 1t was perfectly plain that if the
boat had not been there, my client could not
and would not have stepped aboard; and then
this noble specimen Of energy and push
could not have perished"-and so on, and so
on, for five days in succession
Then up rose the great admiralty lawyer
on behalf OF the boat.
"The bull was palpably in the wrong Whyl
The bull went to the boat; the boat did not
come to bull. My client was gently and
peaceably floating on the tide of the watery
events when this red-headed rake Of bull
ate up the anchor and hawser, tore 1t from its
fastenings, jumped in, had ride for nothing,
kicked the bottom out, and died in an attempt
to swim with his horns and tail II ever there
was a case of piracy and burglary combined,
this was the one, and the bull was the culprit
Look at the natural consequences-and-
and--
Here the chief justice suddenly woke up
and said: Il have had enough of this. Take
your decree, Brother Bullum. 1t is the most
infamous case of willfdl and malicious negli-
gence on the part Of the boat that haveeve
come across in my professional career. Think
of it A boat tied with hayband to the
shore. Can human turpitude and moral de-
lirquency 60 furtherl The bull was within
his constitutional rights. He has a natural,
inalienable lien upon all hay. The bull was
no sailor, and the boat knew it; and, what is
more Infamous still, took advantage Of his
ignorance of navigation, and drowned him
with his feet in the air. / feel like giving
heavy, yes, punitory, damages in this case, as
a warning to boats to keep their bottoms
away from bulls"
There is a Judgment that Is judgment
This is a case which every lawyer ought to
know by heart; it is an inexhaust;ble mine of
legal lore. regret TO add that the judge died
soon after the decision, and that he is still
dead.-Read before Cincinnati Literary Club.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
ClNClNNATUS.
Inventos of the Theory that the once
Should Seek the Man.

Inventoe of the Theory that the Once
should Seek the Man.
The first person TO inaugurate the baneful
theory that the Office should seek the mana
theory which has caused more unhappiness
than any other advanced in the great realm
of politics-was a party called Lucius Quin-
titus, or Cincinnatus, because he wore his hair
in curls also because he had at one time re-
sided in Cincinnati
In the fall of AS B. c., after long. dry
season and prolonged and futile bull move
ment in which Cincinnatus went forth 10
summer fallow the west field, hoping by that
process and a judicious rotation in crops to
head off the chinch bug and the bears. He
was a good deal depressed mentally and physi-
cally. He had been trying to break a new
pair of wild and fractions 4-year-old steers,
and it had required good deal of firmness
and perspiration to accomplish this. He had
not yet fully succeeded, in fact. for every
little while the steers would light out for the
marsh at a high rate of speed, and Cincinnatus
would have to follow them through the dew
berry patch in his bare legs, for Cincinnatus
did not wear pantaloons winter or summer.
/ have given the reader a good view of
Cincinnatus, as | remember him, in the ac-
companying drawing, which have made in
order that those who wish may see the fea-
lures of the most celebrated politician Of all
time He was the man who first advanced
the doctrine that the office should seek tho
man, and ever since that time it is no uncom-
mon thing to see man holding on by the
plow handles and looking over his shoulder,
expecting that a good Office will climb the
fence pretty soon and kidnap him
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

A yacht is always for sail-Merchant
Traveller.
If there is one thing that, quicker than an
other, will drive man to drink, it is thirst.
Life.
October is named from the numeral Octo,
which applies TO the eighth month in the
Roman calendar, and Burr, a delicate allu-
sion to the opening of the chestnut season
Life.
The proprietor of The Weekly Hooter re-
Gently discharged his Office boy because the
lad insisted on drawing pictures on the towel
with a peice of chalk-Merchant Traveller
The festive cackle OF the hen
Sounds ever light and gay.
Whene'er she lays an egg. It's then
She cackles forth her lay.
Merchant Traveller
A Pennsylvania landlord seized baby as
security for rent. he is beginning to wish
that he hadn't.-Burlington Free Press.
The coming COW will have no horns, says
one of our agricultural exchanges. This will
be great relief to the coming woman
Lowell Courier.
Chicago Man-Suppose you sew all there
was to be seen in Rome, Charleyi Returned
European Traveler-Oh, yes, went all around
tell you you ought to visit the amphitheater
there. It's grand. Chicago Man-What
kind of show were they giving there when
you went, CharleyHTid Bits.
MAN wants but little here below"
The statement causes mirth,
It must have been in early times,
But now he wants the earth.
Exchange.
london narar savS. IgTha Aparicaps fol
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17

An old physician, retired from practice,
having had placed in his hands by an East
India missionary the formula of simple
vegetable remedy for the speedy and per-
manent cure of Consumption, Bronchitis,
Catarrh, Asthma and all throat and lung
affections, also positive and radical cure
for Nervous Debility and all Nervous Com
plants, after having tested its wonderful
curative powers in thousands of cases, has
felt il his duty to make 1t known to his
suffering fellows. Actuated by this motive
and desire to relieve human suffering,
will send free of charge, to all who desire
it, this recipe, in German, French or En-
lish, with full directions for preparing and
using. Sent by mail by addressing with
stamp, naming this paper, w. A. Noyes,
149 Powers Block. Rochester, n. Y.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
The Thrifty Farmer.

@You know we have pretty fine shed at.
tached TO our store" said the grocer. 1T Is
about 100 feet long, and with the commodi-
Gus yard, it is a valuable piece Of property,
and although we pay nearly $1,000 year
rent for it, it is a free shed. One day last
week farmer drove under the shed with a
span Of horses, which he tied, and then came
in the store. He wanted 10 sell eggs. He
asked what we were paying, ard told him
$l25 hundred, cash or trade, as he desired.
"'Won't sell my eggs for any sich price,
said the farmer, IN git more or take 'em
home fust'
Sorry, my friend, but the market does
not warrant US paying any more replied,
and soon the farmer could be seen with q
huge basket of eggs under each arm, and pro-
ceeded to sell them from house TO house. In
about two hours he returned with empty
baskets
@When he came in / asked: Did you do
any better than / offeredT
"'No, ten shilEngs seemed to be bout the
price, so did not bring them hack again.
Guess tried a hundred places Got any oats
to sell, bossi told John to put some in the
wagon fore l left home, for the HOSES, but be
forgot it, / guess
Il told MN tnat we nau oats, ana tnat SIX
quarts were worth twelve cents.
Twelve centsi Do you want to rob q
manr
II told him twelve cents was the best
could do, and he said Blank if I'll pay twelve
cents for six quarts of oats. Can you lend
me an empty measurer l handed him one
and he went away and soon returned with
the oats.
Get oats for lessf asked him as he was
passing under the shed where he had kept his
horseA
'Got 'em for reven cents. Was asked the
same as you did, but told the man being as
/ had my horses under your shed I'd give you
the preference, but if he'd come down to
1even cents we would make dicker, so he
came down to 1even. l tell you, Kingston
people want to get rich too fast '-Kingston
Erxarnan
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
/ WILD GAIT INCIDE-
POAST PADE.


When the bag had been deposited in the
wagon and the driver had whipped up his
horses and vanished, the citizens called on
Beebe and congratulated him on his success
in his new place Then all hands went away
and awaited developments
These came to-day, when a special agent
arrived, deposed Beebe, and commissioned
Duff as postmaster. He said it was a choice
of evils but that in a town like this it was
necessary to have a man who knew the differ
ence between fourth class matter and live
stock. When the wildcat in the bag reached
Santa Fe nobody would touch the beast, and
at length, on the advice of citizens, the mail
carrier threw the whole outfit into a cistern,
from which the bag and the defunct wildcat
Were fished the next morning Duff is now
doing the honors here for the United States
government, and everybody is happy except
Beebe.-New York Sun
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-17
A Fair Exchange.

A blacksmith of village in Spain mur-
dered man and was condemned to be hung.
The chief peasants of the place gathered to-
gether and begged the alcalde that the black
smith might not suffer, because he was neces-
sary to the place, which could not do without
blacksmith to shoe horses, mend wheels, etc
But said the alcslde, show can fulfill
justiceF'
A laborer answered: "Sir, there are two
weavers in the village, and for 50 small a
place one is enough-hang the other
French Fun