The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1886-08-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

"A WOLliu lsu III W nave II UdUy VIII
doesn't know how to hold it, and this
is as true of a tongne as of baby.
Little girl--'Mamma.. why doesn't
tho sea run over if all the water flows
into itp" Nonsense child! Don't you
know its full of sponges?'- Burlington
Free Press.
you say he called you iiar?" ''Yes,
an unmitigated liar" ..And you didn't
resent its' mo; how could Ip My
grandfather died of heart-disease, and
it won't do for me to get excited"
A society reporter wrote: ''Dr. Jones
and wife were present, dressed in white
tulle." This unprofessional attire of the
doctor should be condemned generally
by physicians. AdUertsser.
A Sunday-school boy got up to recite
his verse of Scripture, but he got it lit
tie mixed, and said: Honesty is like
angels visits-few, and mighty scarce"
Henderson, (7enn.) True Democrat.
President Dwight OF Yale has
scholarly stoop, and this is why a little
New Haven girl, quite innocent ofan
attempt at II pun, said. ''Manma, /
think he is the stoopedest man ever
did see"
"Going away this SUMMER" he asked,
rs they met on the Campus Martius for
moment ''Wcll, I've made start
toward il" Selected the placer" mo
borrowed 500 at per cent!"-De-
trout Free Press.
'Is your son going to become a farm
erp' asked Mrs. Blank of Mrs. Oates.
"Why, lor' bless you, no." replied the
latter. my son is graduate of the
State Agricultural College, and has no
intention of adopting such st profes-
sion."
Pedantic old gentleman Ito restaurant
waiter)--.I believe it is improper to
speak unexpectedly of ones elders?"
r. W.-''So I've card. Sir" p. %. q.
Then will be silent concerning the
duckling you have just brought me. y
London Judy.
Old gentleman (to small boy smoking
cigarette Little boy, don't you
know that q great many people die
from smoking cigarettesP" Small boy
-''Yes (puff), but many people (pufD
die who (puif) don't smoke 'em. -
Neao Yorb Times.
One of the most humiliating experien-
ces in mans life is to sit ia dentists
chair and have him bore up six or eight
inches into the head without noticeably
interfering with the brain which was
supposed to fill the upper story.-Nor-
Wich Bulletin.
We will send our paper for a year to
the parents of triplets born in Farming
ham-F'arminghaDs (lMass.) Tribune.
It's no use. Brother MCPHERSON, you
can't get 'em that way. It's the glorious
climate of our town that makes such
things possible. - Marlboro (NaSs.)
Times.
1t is reported on perfectly reliable
authority" that the latest conundrum ut
the London clubs concerns Miss Fortes-
cue, to whom Lord Garmoyle paid f10.-
600 for not marrying her. Thus is it:
What is the most expensive kind of dip
Germoyle. Because it costs Gl0,000
per gal.
Washington lawyer-.'You say you
are entitled to pensionp' Patriot
Eyes, | think So" Lawyer-"Were you
wounded?" Patriot-"No; but laid
out $500 in hard cash for substitute"
Lawyer-"Ah, yes, l see. just give me
n $40 bill and fill out that blank. -
Harper'S Bazar.
bubble returning from school after a
history lesson: Mamma, was Charles
Ii. an Episcopalian?" NO my son;
why do you ask thatp" well, the his
tory says he did things he ought not to
have done and left undonc things he
ought to have done; and so / supposed
he must be. I'D Fact.
Correspondent Crawford says of
Senator Hawley: "His one weakness is
his belief in his capacity to sing solo
songs after dinper. There may be q
man on earth who can make II moro
frightful noise than the Senator when
he thinks he is singing, but his address
is not generally known"
1.-THE vulgawity of Fweddy Fawnstock
is WEAKLY tcwible, deah boy, pawfectly
shocking, assuah YOU" what has
he, aw. been doing nowP" Doing!
Why, Gawd bless me soul! he was at
the WAGES yestawday with weady
made cane, he was, give you my
wawd. "-Ne0 YORK; 7ooow Topics.
Scene-Street in Paris. Boarding.
scnOOl HISS anu nOlner. M'JHer \reau
ing sign in window)-"Entrez sans
frapper What does that mean, Ethelp"
Ethel-"O, it's French idiom for
please shut the door, Frapper means
iced, you know. Enter uniced, or leave
the cold outside, is what it means literal |
ly."-Lye.
The reward of sympathy-Young
genius (who has had all the talk to him
self, and, as usual all about HIMSELF |
Well, good-by, dear Mrs. Meltham. 1t
always does me good to come and see
you! / had such headache when / |
came, and now I've quite lost it. Mrs.
Meltham-"O, it's not lost. Tee got
it!-Punch. !
Temporarily Embarrassed Thespian
WHAT, only S5p" Cautious uncle
'Ohf te watch het better chewels l would
rrtf ~ AT IL