davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15
HUMOROUS.

Van Daub "You are criticising
this picture a good deal. Did you ever
draw oneP" Forker-"Oh, yes" Van
Daub-"And pray whereP" Forker-
"ln rattle, me boy. - Chicago Ram
bier.
--"You have been arrested for
stealing from bakers wagon. What
have you to say in your defensep"
Nothing, sor, except that the doctor
told me I must eat stale bread for me
dyspepsy. Boston Budget.
"A lady of charitable disposition
asked tramp if she could not assist
him by mending his clothes. "Yes.
madam he replied, II have a button.
and if you would sew coat on it, you
will greatly oblige me. IN Y. Tel
egrdn.
Miss enthusiastically, dear.
what kind of flower is thatP" Mr..
Roseman Ga young collegian)-
Love, that is not a flower; it is to-
bacco plant" .'Oh, how nice it must
look when the plugs are hanging on
it. Judge.
"A little Rochester girl drew the
picture of a dog and cat on her slate.
and calling her mothers attention to
it, said "a cat oughtn't to have but
four legs, but drew it with six so she
could run away from the dog."-M. Y
Commercial advertiser.
"A little Scotch boy, on being res.
cued by bystander from the dock in
to which he had fallen, expressed
heartfelt gratitude, saying: I'm so
glad you got me DOT. What a lickin'
/ wad have frae my mither if l had
been drooned!''- NJ Y. Journal.
-Patient-"Oh, doctor, you don't
know how it worries me to think that
/ might be buried alive" Doctor
"Calm yourself, Mrs. B. You need
have no fear of any thing like that.
Trust to me, and l assure you that you
are in no danger"
Say, Jones, there's no need fol-
you to be idle. There's ten thousand
hands wanted in store on Chestnut
street" ''Sakes alive, man! To manu-
facture what?" Nothing" "Why do
they want so many handsp" ITO wear
the gloves the firm is offering for sale. :"
Philadelphia Call.
when Igo a-shoppin'," said an
old lady, II alters asks for what ]
wants, and if they have it, and it's
cheap, and it's suitable, and ! feel in
clined to take it and it can't be got at
any place for less, l most alters take it.
without chaffering ali day, as most peo-
pie do. Boston Gazette
First Dutchman-.'Jake, vat yon
going to gif your son for birthday
present?n Second Dutchman = Il
don'd know; its putty hard times;
guess / hat some buddons sewed on
his clothes" First Dutchman-"Yes,
OATS so; guess haf my boys haiI
! cut. philadelphia Times.
"A woman was driving a nail inte
the wall upon which to hang some do
nestle utensil, when she suddenly NJ
: tered howl of anguish. missed the
: nail. did you?' said her husband
! laughing. Missed the nail, D. you
} think I'd cry Il / lad missed the nail
; I hit the nail-but It's my thumb-Dail,
IN. T. Ledger
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15
A PULLING QUESTION.
Why the Old Lady Criticised the Country
School Master.

why the Old Lady Criticised the Country
School Master.
Some persons seem wholly unable to
cope with scientific facts, their inability
being doubtless due largely to crcum-
stances and their education. For hum
dreds of generations men were puz-
zled by the same problem which now
seems so simple to us. A teacher in a
western county in Canada, while max
ing calls among the people, came into
conversation with farmers wife from
Vermont, who had taken up her resi-
dence in the "backwoods. " Of course
the school and former teacher came in
for criticism, and the old lady, in speak
ing of his predecessor, asked:
"Wa'al, master, what do you think he
learned the scholarsp"
81 couldn't say, ma am. Pray what
did he teachp"
"Wa'al, he told em this ere arth
was round; what do you think of such
stuff"
Unwilling to come under the cate
CORY of the ignorant, the teacher eva
sively remarked:
1T does seem strange, but still there
are many learned men who teach those
things. ="
''Wa'al," says she. eff the earth is
round, and goes round, what holds ii
upP"
"Oh, these learned men say that il
goes round the sun, and the sun holds il
up by virtue of attraction"
The old lady lowered her specs, and
responded with this poser
"Wa'al, if these high larnt men se7
the sun holds up the arth, l should like
to know what holds the arth up wher
the sun goes DOWN. Youths Conpan
iOn
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15
WHAT CURED HIM.
Why . Drummer Resolved to Let Car
Windows Severely Alone.

why y thcbOtNoQ W ASs WI"
Windows Severely Alone.
"No more raising windows for ladies
on cars for me-" exclaimed we'll
dressed Missouri drummer at the reg
ular weekly meeting of the Travellers
Club. II know wien get enough of
a good thing, and don't want several
chapters of a real good wholesome
lecture.
''Never heard about my experienced
Well, I'll tell you about it, as it may
be a pointer for some of the younger
members. / hope they may profit by
my experience. A girl can now suffo-
cate right in front of me in car, or
she can catch her death of cold from
an open car window, and l will not
bulge. recall the past and keep my
seat. But my story.
IA few years ago was coming out
of Boston. The day coach was almost
deserted, as it was nearing Christmas
time, and people were not travelling
unless compelled to do SO. At Well
lesley, Mass, where they have girls
college, a crowd of pretty school girls
got on. They came into the sleeper
and had jolly good time in picking
out their berths. Fortunately for me l
was dressed to kill, and had on a
brand new suit. just thought / was
too pretty to live, and dreamed of con-
quests and all that sort of thing. l
took them all in. and when a demure
little girl got into my section, | just
thought that. things were coming my
way too nicely for any use.
"She looked kinder ashamed as she
took her seat directly in front of me,
and blushed crimson every time Hook
ed at her. Her companions were talk
ing with the conductor and porter, and
finally all of them, including two Off.
Gals, took seats near my section.
"The little Quaker who assisted me
to occupy my section, after looking at
her companions and blushing some
what, made dash for the window. OF
course / offered to assist her,. knew
that there were double sashes, and that
the outer one would not open, but
thinking it an admirable way to start a
conversation l began. After lifting the
inner window asked her if she was
too warm. She replied in the affirm.
alive. opened the register at the tor
of the car. l then asked her if she was
not from school and received a mono
syllable for reply. In fact l kept
on asking her questions and received
yes and mo- for answers. The other
occupants Of the car were perfectly
quiet, and l felt that my conversational
powers were being tested. / though
| would be very smart, so said, in thu
most prolonged tone:
Didn't your mother tell you not t.
talk with strange gentlemen whom you
might meet on the trainp"
"tNo, sir, she replied, in the mos
innocent way; she told me not to tall
with travelling men, as she knew that
gentleman would not force converse
ton"
''Of course every body laughed, and
felt very uncomfortable, as the jok
had been turned on me. Ifelt that m,
clothes did not fit me, and knew tina
l did not appear to my best advantage
In fact, l would just as soon have beef
out of the car, for | felt cheap, an,
knew that the odds were against me
| got out at the next station. Sine
| that time have let the car window
alone. st. Paul Globe.
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15
pIseusTED sHARPERs.
They Play an Old Game on a Michigan
Farmer and Get Left.

anu Ocb A-CAt
There is a sharper's game which has
been played for the last hundred years,
and as the turning point is avarice the
game works forty-nine times where it
fails once. Two sharpers set out a few
weeks ago to play it on a Wayne
County farmer. One of them came
along one day and wanted to buy the
farm. As the farmer wanted to sell
it was quite easy to strike bargain.
The price was to be $4,000 in cash, and
the man handed over $3.50 to bind the
bargain. Within two days second
stranger came along and wanted the
farm. He wanted it so bad that he
couldn't stand still. He found indica-
tions of coal, natural gas and coal oil,
and he was willing to give $4,000 for
the place. The idea was, of course,
that the farmer would be awful sick of
his first sale and seek to buy the man
off. 1t would pay him to offer the man
81 800 to release him.
The second stranger was only out Of
sight when the first one turned up
again. His mouth watered over the
prospect, but not for long. The farm
er explained that he had been offered
$4,000 more, and added:
"But | don't care for money. The
$4,000 is enough for me, and it's all the
old farm is worth. When you are
ready to pay the balance we'll make out
the papers.
The purchaser offered to release him
for 81, 900 700-$50O-$30O, but the
farmer didn't want to be released. He
hung to the bargain-money, and he's
got it yet, while the pair of sharpers
rave and gnash their teeth every time
they think of the thickness of his skull.
Detroit Free Press.
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15
MY NEIGHBOURS GUINEA HEN.

When dawn In tints OF rose and gold
Day glorious promises unfold;
heard the first soft bird note-Theu
hear that Gathering guinea hen.
And when, oh incense breathing morni
Thy CHEEKY meal to me is borne,
I'd be at peace with gods and men
But for that cackling guinea hen.
When would read some book most dear
The printed thoughts / can not hear;
1 can not hear the dinner gong,
But / can hear thy ceaseless song.
All songs Of dreamy afternoon,
With girls and birds and books In tune,
Thou drown'st IN notes more harsh than sin
With thine eternal, senseless din
And then at evenings holy hour
j can not feel the sacred power
OF better thoughts on wings divine,
For that dlstractlng squawk Of thine.
And when fly at last to bed
To pillow-bless my throbbing head,
Ere can thank the silent night
hear thee clamoring with alright
All day, all night, all other time,
With reason none, with less of rhyme
Thy squawksQuawk wearies me-so then,
Take this" Bang! bangl"--" squawk p
missed again!
Robert J. Burdette in Brooklyn Eagle.
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15

Roscoe Conklng was in the Su-
preme Court Brooklyn, the other day,
where he argued a case. While he
was sitting reading his brief, several
careless lawyers walked over his we'll
polished shoes He looked down at the
shoes with a sigh, and moved his chair
back to the side of another gentleman.
to whom he said: eve reached that
time of life when l want to get some
where where won't be stepped upon
That's my ambition. IN ]. Sun.
Savannah courier. (Savannah, Tenn.) 1885-1979, 1886-07-15

Deacon ]. W. Dimock, of Hartford,
Conn.,, was recently given a reception
in eommemorsticn of his seventy years
membership of the First Baptist Church
in that city.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
Hot Water and the Appetite

1t is q specially Of sanitary reformers,
who are among the most useful of the
many intellectual nuisances in the
world, to be deficient in the quality of
humor. One of them, some years ago,
recommended that mans dead rela-
tiyes should be burned at the corners of
streets, to save gas-lamps; another, not
two years ago, lectured on the un-
heallhiness of boots in bedrooms, and
On Saturday Mr.. Mansergh. at the close
OF most sensible address to the SAM
tary congress on water supply, brought
in his views on teetotalism in the oldest
way. He told his audience that '.sys.
tenatic hot-water drinking had been
proved in America to be destructive of
the appetite for alcohol We entirely
believe him, ard if he extended the de-
structive effect to the appetite for NUT
ton chops, fruit, or wheaton bread we
should believe him also. But why limit
US to hot water when tartar emetic.
ipecacuanha, unretined codliver oil, and
perhaps twenty other drugs would be
at least equally potentP The old
remedy Of Rechab, total abstinence. IS
an easier one than that, and as per-
fectly effective as long az tits pursued.
The difficulty Of the temperate i. not
to leave off alcohol, but to believe in
the use Of leaving y %: They do not
49, 4. A 80 lEs.Tt
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

The Bishopstoft the Episcopal Church
IN triennial convention at Chicago,
sant out pastoral, which makes
pointed reference to the intense con
ditions Of modern life. Among the
most obvious and alarming perils, tho
Bishops say, aresthe temptations IN
cidest; to q rapid increase 81 wealth,
the oantempt q Iawfxl auth ority and
the spaead of uaAelief The increase
OF poverty, disconk ant and pride are
~ marked as tie accumulation az
fortunes and HE growth q luxury
Is How, " TIE Bishops as tshall this
sdiscOntent and misery IL renedied,
swsalth recognize its Slows. dship, al-
duence own the brotheeia God of man,
md the less fayored and sucosssiu1 Of
'ths community 20 rendl red sriuI
an1l contentsd nth their lott Bur
- 1isho 40 not ans~e ths q
ttiou neither can Is y, II poli
'cils 30 ecclesiia ililI, n n
81 i: an az Aaaliir II. th11 aIyS ~ u
e T. tins l,smor pf
- ppetl notIto tthe cont
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

Attorney General Garland has fur
nished an opinion to the Secretary OF
the Treasury to the effect that interest
bearing bonds can be accepted and
held as security for the circulation OF
national banks, and the Treasury De-
partmsnt will so hold. This will make
it necessary for the national banks
havingon deposit 3 per cent. bonds al
ready called to Immediately substitute
in their place 4 ORA IL per cent, orto
withdraw their circulation. The ef-
fects to BE produced upon the general
money market by this decision will de-
pend npon the determination Of the
national banks as to whether they
will withdraw their circulation or 70.
invest the proceeds OF the 8 per cent.
IN nterestrhearing bonds. /.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
The writer in this country now said

The writer in this country now said
to receive the highest compensation
for his services is w. D. Howells, who
was once practical printer in Column.
bus, Ohio, having learned thetrade as
did Benjamin Franklin, Horace Gree
ley, Thurlow Weed and hosts of the
best and brightest writer's OF all ages.
since the invention of the art Mr..
Howells never writes except upon spe
cial contract and he always fixes his
own figures according to the length Of
time spent upon his contribution and
these figures are large enough to give
him a generous income.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
1 JUMPED FROM SUSPENSION RRIDaE.
Lawrence Donovan, the Brooklyn Bridge Cranl
q Jumps Fron the New Suspension bridge st NJ
d Axara. Distance or 100 cot. Z 81

AoWEENG0Y U0NVV8Wss tN6 HE00kAyn nKxuB0 CE&0ks
a agars. . Distance Of 100 Feet. u
. Lawrence Donovan, OF New York. Who
the East river, jumped from the new sus.
pension bridge ut Niagara Fails. = little
past the center. He came from Buffalo
and stayed Mt the suspension bridge. Hia
Jump was witnessed by four or 1--WE persons.
He was accompanied by orof. Hanley and
Mr.. Drew, a Buffalo reporter. He made the
jump successfully q distance OF 100 feet.
He went straight down, feet first. HecaIne
up somewhat da1ed, but struck out for the
boat, in which were Messrs. Drew and
Haley, and was taken in and stimnlants
were given him.. He is not seriously in.
iured. One rib is probably broken, and
his hip is bruised. He said before he got
out OF the water that he would not jump
again for $1,OOO,OOO. Afterward, be said
he would jump next summer for 81, 900.
In an interview, he says: They say the
bridge is 1876 feet high, and after they
took me out OF the water, found that the
water is lower than it ever was, and the
distance from the bridge must be 2lO feet.
It was q terrible jump, and I wouldn't
make it again for the whole OF the United
States. was on the Canada end Of the
bridge, but pretty near the middle OF Che
I jumped from the Brooklyn bridge in. ]
had my coat unbuttoned so that lit both.
cred me in the water could get out OF it
easily. am sorry for that now. for if the
coat had not spread out in the air while
I was going down I would have struck
the water square and wouldn't have
broken my rib. Professor Hanley
said it wanted three minutes OF 7
o'clock when jumped. How did feel?
Well, it's hard to tell. I closed my eyes
when jumped but / opened them right away
again, but didn't see any thing, My ell
bows were close to my sides and kept my
feet together. When struck the water it
seemed as though I would burst to pieces.
The shock was terrible, and kept right on
going down till it seemed as if W Guild never
stop, and when came to the surface struck
out with my arms and legs, but was
dazed. The current kept carrying me
down, but the boat got me pretty soon.
As soon as they pulled me in spit a lot
OF blood, and tainted away"
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

Frank Fl. Walworth, grandson o.
the late Chancellor Walworth and son
OF Mansfield Tracy Walworth, whom
he killed in New York hotel a. few
years ago, died at his home in Sarato.
ga, N. Y, aged 81 years. His wife, a
daughter of the late Governor Bran.
lette, OF Kentucky, and one child sur.
vive him. His maternal grandfather
was Colonel John J. Hardin, OF I'LL
nois, who was killed at Bueno Vista.
His death was caused by pneumonia,
his illness lasting but a few days.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

In recent speech in Boston, Gen,
Hawley said: II think the man who
looks into the great broad face and
dark brown eyes OF a New England OK
has better company than he has with
some men--some men OF considerable
intellect also. Gen. Hawley is a SEN
ator Of the United States. Daniel
Webster uttered something very like
the above when he was a. senator. Is
it not a reflection on some of the mill.
ionaices of that body?
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
FOUNDERED AT SEA.
United States Steamer Manhattan Foundered al
Sea and All Hands Lost.

Sea and All Hands Lost.
A dispatch Of the 7th inst, from New
Haven, Conn, says: The United States
revenue steamer Manhattan, Lieutenant
Commander Tozier in command, went to the
bottom Oil southwest ledge three miles out
side OF this harbor, at 8 o'clock this morn.
ing. The Manhattan came into this harbor
some time during last night, and anchored
in the channel of the yacht clubs mouse.
Sunday morning about 6 o'clock three OF
the officers Of the Mahattan came asore in
a small boat, landing at Long wharf. They
remained on shore about an hour and after
again. Immediately after this the Manhat-
tan got under weigh and headed down the
harbor. William Kane, an oyster dealer
at Oyster Point, says that he noticed the
vessel pass out Of the harbor and set a
course to the southwest, and that she
pitched heavily in the sea. She shipped two
seas and apparently struggled very much.
To all appearances the vessel couldn't be
controlled by it's wheel. Kane says he
then ran about forty feet across a ware.
house floor to call his employer, and that
when ne returned, after an absence OF not
over two minutes, the Manhattan had dis.
appeared from view. Not vestige OF her
was to be seen, either by the naked eye or
with the aid Of glasses. Kane's story is
corroborated by James Smith, the propri-
etor OF q hotel at the south end on the
eastern shore, seven or eight miles from
the point where Kane saw the vessel. Two
or three other persons on the eastern shore,
all at different points OF observation, tell
stories OF the disaster that fully bear
out those told by Smith and Kane.
The steamer Manhattan is q revenue
cutter. She was a staunch screw steamer
NJ tof>1J - Il 1T
twenty-five men. She was commanded by
Lieut.. D. L. Tozier, who is regarded as one
OF the ablest officers in the service, and it
is the opinion of the chief OF the revenus
marine that she could not have foundered
unless as the result OF some extra ordinary
accident Tie other officers of the cutter
were: Second Lieut.. W. S. Holland, Exec.
ntive Officer J. c. Harris, Engineer James
Ogden and Assistant Engineer Willis He'd
rio
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

A number Of distinguished gentle.
men composing part Of the French
delegation who assisted in dedicatine
the Statue ofLiberty, and including
MM.. De Lesseps and Gen. Pellisair,
and others, after attending a banquet
by the New York Union League Club,
spent the rest of the night in watching
the vast machinery which turns out
the morning newspapers.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
Near-Signted Children.

DO you notice how many young
boys and girls are wearing glasses?''
was asked Of an optician. .>z.@-:-..':
We'll, naturally, as I fit many of
them 5.s.. ...@. .5E I'D. /
What's the cause?'' j. III. .s.s=. H. =
TOO much study for ono thing, and
too much reading for another. When
not at their lessons they are reading.
They read on the street cars, while
walking along the street. and ii the.
twilight and in O couple of years their
eyes begin to fail This craze on the.
part Of most parents to rush their chill.
dren through the schools will give Is 8
generation Of near sighted people. Z ss5 Il
Shouldn't one read on the cars q NJ
81 Never. Let = man with the best pair
OF eyes in his head practice, such 8 thing.
daily. especially towards evening, and
his night viii demand glasses within /.
year. II Detroit Free
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

Lieutenant Gordon: ofthe Dominion
exploring steamer Alert, reports that
Hudson's Bay is navigable for the
months ofAugust and September only.
1t would seem that two months nayi.
CATION in g. year would hardly pay for
building TOO miles Of railroad from
Winnipeg for the purpose Of opening
traffic route.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12
The total coinage executed at the
mints during October was -. liz, loo,
Of which s., 600, 600 was in standard
dollars, 4

It is now admitted that tho amount
stolen from the Adams Express Com
pany by the Missouri robbery may
reach 1920, 900. "The right clew'' is
said to have been struck, but thus far
has not materialized5 by arrests or
securing the money. %.5.7 . :. n 4
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

It is estimated that 3,479, 900
bushels OF peanuts are available for
consumption during the coming year.
As the United States used but 1905.
900 bushels last year, there will be
plenty OF opportunity for expansion
in the peanut munching industry.
Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-11-12

Over 800 Mormons arrived at New
York recently from Europe, and left
immediately for Salt Lake City. The
simplicity OF people who talk Of
"stamping out" q religion is made
very ovious in the progress OF Nor
monism. Stamping out polygamy is
one thing, and stamping out mormon.
ism quite another.