News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-09
OH, GEoRGEl

A young widow in Waukesha, whose
husband had been dead a month, and
whom she had always supposed to be
free from small vices, was Overhauling
his clothes the other day She found a
large plug of tobacco in his coat pocket.
ooh, Georgel Georgew she exclaimed
.despairingly, ''you and Twill never meet
in the good world" In another pocket
of the same garment she found life
insurance policy for $1,000, of which
she had before known nothing, and she
burst forth exultingly, "Oh, yes we will
we will! Heaven will forgive him his
one little fault r'-M cago Tribune.
HER OWN WORK.
In house on Commonwealth avenue,
not many evenings since, paterfamilias,
unwonted 10 such duties, thought it in
cumbent upon him at certain pc
riod during the evenings exercises
to take his youngest son up stairs
for short outing based upon the child's
disobedience to its mother. The echoes
from the interview penetrated to the
parlor, and while there was great SYM
pathy for the afflicted heir apparent, a
laugh could not we'll be restrained,
when, in the midst of the "boo- boos, "
was heard the shrill, treble voice, "Pa,
l think it's real mean for you to pank
me. Why don't you let mamma do her
own work ?"-B0St0n Rec0rd.
SERIOUS ILLNESS.
A gentleman while visiting "behind
the scenes" of the Wild West combina-
ton at Staten Island recently, noticed a
son of the forest who appeared to be in
a very weak and miserable condition.
"What is the matter with him 2'' he
asked of his conductor.
''Oh!" was the reply, ''he is all broke
up He saw Big Chief Roseman coach
man in from third base home the other
day, and the terrible noise sickened
him. His Eastern name is Yell hole
in-the-air, but since he heard jimmy
shout he wants it changed to Cant
holler- little bit ~ N. Y. Times.
PROMPT BUSINESS TRANSACTION.
An Ohio widow owned large gravel
bank which a certain railroad company
was very anxious to secure. Several
propositions were made and rejected,
and the President finally sent his pri
vate secretary down with instructions to
offer up to $14, 200. The young man
returned after a couple of days and,
when asked how the business had turned
out, replied: Il will accept your ofeI."
"You 2" ''Exactly. I married the
widow and own the bank Baltimore
Sun.
TOMMY GETS THE FACTS IN.
AS young Smithers moved ont the
card table he asked. casually: "Where
is that bright red table cover you used
to have l always liked that. y
"You wouldn't like it now," inter
posed little Tommy
Tommy" said his sister Clara, ''run
away and play, there's a dear"
81 won't - answered Tommy. "Sis-
ter's -"
Ssh! Tommy, hush.'
"Wont!" answered Tommy again
And, as he was hustled from the room,
he yelled: Sisters made petticoat
outen that table cloth. "-BoStoR huns-
bier.
Senator DTcDougall was conyivial and
witty to a degree. Returning from the
Capitol one night slightly excited by
tea, he mistook Maryland for Pennsyi-
vania avenue, and in the darkness fell
into a muddy sewer, from which he was
trying to crawl when a policeman came
up and inquired: "Who, in the name
of all that's holy, are you 2" "Genyly,
my friend, gently" came the labored
response; "Whcn l left the Senate
Chamber was McDougall, but now it
seems that am Seward. ''-.SaR Traacis-
co ArgonaM.
HE KNEW IT.
Pittsburger (away from home)-
"What's that stuff In the glass here 2"
Waiter-''W Water, sah."
"Water ?"
eyes, sab"
"Now, see here, young man, | may
look green, but I'd have you to under
stand I'm not from the country. You
can't play that on me for wa.er. Waters
yellow"
And then he went down to the hotel
Office and told the clerk how he had
been insulted.-PtttsJurg Dispatch.
LABOR NOTE.
III d NSW 1OIh DuSluCSS OlllCc lIu1It
was young man who did not do much
except loaf. lie has, moreover, of late
acquired the habit of coming to the
office very late. His employer remarked
to him:
"YoUr are late again this morning"
Eyes, but it can't make much differ
ence as you say don't do anything"
replied the clerk.
''That's true You do absolutely no.
thing, but | want you to do it in the
office. "-IeTas SJtiHgs.
NOT RIPE.
A Cohasset fisherman employed new
ly arrived Iishman, who said he knew
all about the business, to haul the lob
ster pots, of which he had many set
about the rocks Off that place. Upon
Paddy returning from his first trip he was
met by his employer, who was mach as
tonished at not seeing any Holsters in
the dory, and upon inquiling the rea.
son was surprised at the reply that
"They was none of thin ripe, Tor they
were all green, an threw them over
board ag'n."
THE UMPIRE.
When the energetic umpire goes to
umpire gees to umpire, He has los
of things to occupy his time-py his
time, In every crowd there is an UNI
pire jumper-umpire jumper, Who in
sists that he'll decide for the home nine
the home nine, And the crowd the
umpire dearly loves to bother-loves to
bother, And que,tion his decision every
run, So taking one consideration with
another-with another, The umpire's
life is not a happy one-happy one
Detroit Free Press.
DOWN STAIRS.
Fitzbiffin-I dine at lot of swell
houses in the season; but as to the din
ners one gets there, you know--well,
I've eaten as good, and better, at the
Criterion, or at the club. Why, at
house where l was dining few nights
ago, in Berkeley square, actuaily-there
was no fish!
Skynner-They had eaten it all up
stairs, | suppose.
Fitzbiffin contributes no more to the
conversation, which from that point be-
comes hilarious. -L0Rd0a Fun.
TRUTHFUL TOM.
Tom Anierry, of the University of
Texas, has trouble in meeting his bills,