The Irish standard., 1886-12-04
STANDARD" BREVITIES.

"A few closing words: s'Shut up!'
.'Hold your tongue!''
Young boys stomacbs are always IN
apple.pie order.
Il happens very frequently that a
nobleman Is also an owe bill man.
It's strange, but true, that woman
with new bonnet always carries her
parasol closed.
Some men have greatness thrustupon
them, as when a fat woman lands IN
your lap in street car.
People who reside in apartment
houses are often high livers. They can
he said to live on the fat of the land.
It is not good policy to say things be-
fore children that you would not have
repeated. 1t is the little things that
tell.
A man is never so impressed with
the greatness of little things as when
he steps on the business end Of carpet
/, tack.
On the rolling deep. First passenger
-''Well, old boy, what's up this after
noon?' Second passenger-'SAll but
the soup"
"Was early man a savage?" asks a
magazine writer. That depends on
whether the early man had cold coffee
for breakfast.
A phrenologist says that fullness un-
der the eye denotes language. Black
ness of the eye often means tullness the
night before,
A western professor shot a student
the other day. He had come TO the con-
elusion that it was about the only way
to get anything into his head.
Regular caller-''I'd like to see your
father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged. !"
Tommy-''He is; but what's the matter
with Clara? She isn't engaged"
.:Have you any dog biscuits?" asked
the owner of a new dog, entering a
fancy grocery. ''N"," said the grocer;
"but we have some fine sausage meat. !"
An oyster ten inches long was found
on the Long Island coast she other day.
When oysters get up to these dimen-
sions the chestnut church fair stew
will lose It's point.
Bob Ingersoll thinks that no man
should have more land than he can use.
But don't be too hasty with your ap-
plause. A man who spends his time
linging dirt at the Christian religion
can use good deal of land in the course
of his life.
Polite Tramp-"Will you oblige me
with little vinegar and bit of rag,
madam? I've bruised my heel" Lady
Of the House-''1'm very sorry, but our
vinegar is all out; wouldn't a little
New England rum do as we?" Tramp
~ don't dnow. MADAM; but I'll try
It, and-er-never mind the rag.''
Huntsman-'.I say farmer, did you
see a fox running this way a little while
ago?" Farmer-''Yes, Gosh Almighty!
Guess did. The last seed of him he
was aputtin' up the railroad track thar
at a lively gait" Huntsman (thoughtful-
ly)-"We must take the next train or
we shall never catch the brute"
A farmer of Delaware county, Pa.,
much troubled by crows, soaked peck
Of corn in whisky and scattered it near
fence much frequented by the birds.
They ate it and got decidedly drunk,
and the farmer was so amused by the
exhibition that he forebore to shoot
them, and after a time they flew un-
steadily away. The result was good.
The crows never came back. The
heads they had the next mornir g must
have been all that they desired.
A damsel from the wilds had the
good fortune to marry young ranch
man who had suddenly become rich. A
bridal tour of all the largest cities was
planned and away they went, jubilant
" happy. On their return the bride
was asked if she enjoyed herself.
swell, 1 should smile" was her posi-
tive reply. "What did you think of
Niagara Falls?" ''Oh. they were real
nice, but / didn't care much for them. y
..How did you like Westinghouse
..Oh. Just tolerable. The Capitol was
pretty fine, but 1 don't take much stock
in such things" ibid you go to New
York;" ..Yes; we dawdled round
there week aud get tired Of it. Brook
lyn bridge was great deal of a show,
bu. didn't see anything else l cared
for much" '.Well, now, do tell me,
what did you see that you'd like most
to see again? What pleased you more
than anything else?" The young
brides face frightened visibly, her
eyes twinkled joyfully as she said.
swell, when we was in Minneapolis
we went to a dime museum, and we see
there a Calf with two heads and two