Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1886-03-18

Rochester, n. Y, land 1T was the sloWest-
acting gun ever saw. I used to set that
gun and pull the trigger at night, and "a
about sunrise, in the morning whang it
would 90, and generally I got game enough
for breakfast. One morning l got up and
saw rabbit making for his hole. calculat-
ed that the gun would 60 off in about five
minutes, and that meanwhile I would have
to catch the rabbit myself. Out goes [ and
away scampers the rabbit, and as the little
thing went down into the hole stopped
and caught him by the tail. At that mo-
ment the constitutionally belated weapon
went off, and-well, gentlemen, | have
been that lame ever since that l can't
walk with any kind of celerlty."-1he
Judge.
WEATHER INDICATIONs.-City Board
er-"What are the weather indications" "'
Farmer John-"Do you mean that you in
tend to take your walk this morning across
my sheep pastureW
City Boarder-"Well, yes, that was the
route had laid out. It is short cut to
the grove. But what has that to DO with
the weather.?
Farmer John-"I should say it had good
deal to do with it,"
City Boarder-"Indeed! !!
Farmer John-"Yes, and my advice is to
be little kearful. When you see the old
fellow put his head down and look sassy
them's the indications you should respect,
now I'll tell YOU"
City Boarder-"What in the world are
You talking about anyhow?"
Farmer John-"The Wether indications" !"
EXPECTED HELP.-At a certain battle OF
the late war, Federal chaplain happened to
get into the vicinity of battery of artil-
Iery which was hotly el gagged. The Con-
federate shells were ploughing burrows
about the guns, and the cannoneers were
grimly and actively at work to answer shot
for shot. The chaplain addressed himself
to sergeant, who was very efficient, but at
the same time rather profane, in the follow
ing words:
s'My friend, if you go on this way, can you
expect the support of Divine Providence?'
tAin't expectin' it," said the sergeant.
''The Ninth New Jersey has been ordered
to support this tery."-'SoMhern Biroatac.
HIGH IN ALGEBRA, BUT SHE COULDN'T
CooK.-"John, dear, our Susie is fairly
sick over her algebra. But she is getting
along so nicely, and has ninety in her re-
port this week, and ninety-fve in Latin,
and 100 in philosophy, the dear girl"
"Good enough, wife. But what's the
matter with the breakfast to-day? Worst
meal we have had in month";
"Well, John, I felt out of sorts this morn
ing, and the cook is away, and l let Susie
attend to the things. The poor girl knows
so little about housework, you KNOW
Boston IFaueler.
South Yonkers Sunday-school teacher was
trying to explain to her class what the con-
science was, but had some difficulty in max
ing the scholars understand. "What is
that small voice that comes to you after you
have retired at night 2" she said at length
"Oh, please, ma 'am, know, quickly said
one of the bright little girls. "Well, what
is it, Dolly" said the teacher, proud that
her explanation should be so quickly COM
pretended. "Cats, ma 'am." p Yonkers Got-
zette.
AGIFTED WoMAN.-Mrs. Towser, very
loquacious lady, was waiting in the parlor
for Mrs. Hendricks when Bobby opened the
door.
"Come in Bobby" said Mrs. Towser,
pleasantly, land tell me if you know who
am"
II don't know your name," said Bobby,
squirming forward with youthful timidity,
"but you're the lady what throws hatchets." )"
"Throws hatchets?"
"Yes. Ma'am. Pa says you can beat any
B9" eyes, we had row, your, Honor"
she said in the police court, the other day.
"What caused it ?"
"She said my husband had run away
from me, and gave her slap"
"You shouldn't have cared what she
said"
''But I couldn't help it, your Honor.
When my husband has been sent to the
rly for hn
away, and I'll not stand by and hear any
one traduce his loving character.
s6n "What are you waiting for, little
boy ?" inquired kindly old gentleman of
a street urchin, who was watching each
passer-by intently.
"Waitin' for a long -whiskered gent smok-
ing seegar. Then rll foller him an git
"Do long-whiskered men smoke better
cigars?"
"Naw, but dey don't smoke 'em so short"
na- Guest-"Why don't you beat your
steak before cooking it: This seems to be
rather tough"
Misunderstanding doesn't help our steak.
We do better than that We put it on the
over it; but this morning the train was only
half loaded, and consequently the steak is
notquite as tender as it ought to be-
a9~ "That was dirty mean trick Hol
man served you, Parsons"
II should say so. Means no name for it.
I was never so mad in my life"
"Well, are you off? Not mad at me,
are you? Where are you going"
"Going home to have revenge"
"And how, there pray?"
"Why, by jawing my wife,"
He RECKONED THE Coon kNEw.-A
Henry county farmer came to Clinton on
the late cold wave wearing coon skin
overcoat. A west side grocer inquired:
"Why don't you wear the hairy side in
instead of out 2"
II reckon the coon knew which side was
the warmest when he wore it, didn't he"'
replied the farmer.-Cyinton Adrocdfe.
THEY NEVER FIND ANYTHING.-" Have
you found religion yet, my friend:' the
Rev. Sam Jones inquired of one of his hear
erS.
'No," was the reply.
"What is your occupation, may ask:'
"I am detective"
"H'm!" observed the great revivalist,
"that accounts for it."-Wicked Exchange.
NOT AS STUPID AS SHE THOUGIT.-Es-
meralda Longcoffin-"I believe, Mr.. Nc
Ginnis, that you think that am stupid
creature. Hostetter McGinnis-"Oh, no,
nothing of the kind. Nobody can be called
stupid who can so accurately divine the
thoughts of another as you have done
mine. e.'-TSras iSytinqs.