davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27
Bad for the Appetite.

81 haven't got but fifteen cents.
What can get the most Of for that
amount of money!" inquired some
what seedy-looking man of waiter
in a cafe.
Pork and heans," replied the youth
of white aprons and dude hair.
He'd better try soft.shell crabs" "
said McGough in an aside to rcpor-
ter who was liquidating, in two-fold
sense, for lunch. There's nothing
like soft-shell crabs for satisfying q
mans hunger. I've seen men lose
their appetite before they'd taken a
mouthful Of crab"
"And thereby hangs a talei" said
the reporter, inquiriDgly.
"You ought to have been in here
and seen it, and you'd aided a.laugh-
ing. l can't half tell it to you, but
I'll do the best can" responded Nc.
Cough.
ut was the week of the races. A
couple of young fellows came in here,
sat down at the table over there in
the corner. and a. the walters were all
busy / went over to take their order.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

They were looking at the bill of fare
and one of them said:
"'Jim, did you ever eat any soft
shell crabs?'
"'No,' said the other; what are
theyY
81 dunno. Let's try 'em.'
"All right
"Give us some soft-shell crabs
says the biggest fellow to me.
"'How many?' says l.
"He glanced at the other fellow,
but didn't want to give himself away,
so he spoke up promptly.
ga Dozen
"Pd just received some big fellows
and. upon my word. they cost me $3.50
a dozen besides the express charges
from New York. | was selling them
at forty cents apiece and making
nothing off them at that. l suppose
| ought to have told them how much
their order would cost, but twas none
of my business-only to fill the or
der and get my pay for it. l sized
the fellows up and made up my mind
that they had got the money. They
looked like couple of farmer boys,
but didn't have much hayseed in their
hair and wore store clothes. Any
way, l thought I'd take my chances.
But for $40 note l wouldn't have
carried those crabs over to the table.
l sent them by one of the boys and
got behind the icebox, where l could
laugh and keep an eye ON them.
Here! just look at the size of these
crabs Big as your head, every one
of them! When the boy set big
platterful down in front of those two
fellows, their eyes fairly bulged out.
They stared at the platter and then
at each other, but didn't say a word.
Then they looked around to see if
anybody was watching them, but l
lodged behind the box.
allow much is the bill ?" said the
biggest fellow to the waiter.
"The boy came to the bar and ask
ed for check. l ought to have
charged them So, but l didn't stab
them hard sent them check for
$3.50. They stared at that harder
than they had at the crabs, and then
they began to go down in their pockets.
l guess it about cleaned them out, for
they got down to nickels and pennies,
but they paid like gentlemen"
"How many crabs did they eatp
mot a crab! l was out there by
the cigar case when they passed out,
and asked them to have a cigar"
1--WE don't smoke Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27
The Juvenile Tormentor.

Pepper, wot do they have the po
licemen watch the block where they
had smallpox for?"
"Oh, to keep the disease from
spreading"
"The policemen'll keep 'em from
breaking out won't they, popper?"
Eyes, yes"
"Is smallpox dangerous, popperr
eyes, quite dangerous"
"It's catching amt it?"
eyes, very"
"But when you're vaccinated you
won't catch anything, will you, pop
PERI"
"No, l s'pose not"
"You were vaccinated when you
went off with Mr.. Brown yesterday
wasn't yer, popper?'
"Why, what makes you ask that
question ?"
"Koz mommer said she knew you
wouldn't catch anything if you stay
ed fishing for u week" ."-Spring6eld
Homestead.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Waiter, bring me chop. please,
rather we'll done. Look sharp; I'm
in hurry
"Very sorry, sir, but we haven't
chop in the 'ouse to-day"
"Well, then, I'll have steak"
"Just as bad as before. sir, for we
haven't steak left"
"Oh, well, what joints have your"
"None, sir"
"Wha-a-tl No chops, no steaks,
nor no joints ?? What have you got,
then ?"
Got the bailiffs in, unfortunately"
"Bailiffs, eh ?" (sharpening his knife
on his fork. "Well, bring in bai-
liffw-London Caterer.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Poor Augustus Pilkins always says
the wrong thing. The other evening
Miss Angelina Sydenham, in speak
ing of amateur theatricals, remark
ed: II really don't think that any
thing could induce me to take part
again in theatricals. When l am on
the stage / always feel as though I
were making a fool of myself"
Whereupon Pilkins exclaimed: "Ob,
everybody thinks that, Miss Angel.
ina. a."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27
He Was Nobody's Fool.

A city directory compiler called at
cabin and asked an old negro, whom
he found sitting near the door:
"Who lives here?"
II does"
II know that, but"
"Den whut yer AK fur ?"
IL want to know your name ?"
eyer wouldn't know eff l wuster
tell yer. ain no promernent man"
"That makes no difference. l am
getting up directory and / want
your name."
"Kain' glib it ter yer, sir. wants it
myself. Good.day." When the man
had gone the old negro mused: Use
got his racket down fner'n silk. Glib
dat white man my name, and dc fust
thing / knowns dad hab me up for
de gran jury er 'cuzin' me o takin'
things whut doan long ter me. Oh,
Use sharp."-Arkansaw Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

A paper gives an account of q So
ciety event, and in speaking of one
beautiful lady of quite large proper
tions, it said: "Mrs. Smith possessed
a form that Juno might envy" The
editor went home and left a subordi-
nate to get out the paper, and the
next morning he read in his paper
that "Mrs. Smith possessed a form
that Jumbo might envy."-Philadel-
phia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

A well-known Baptist minister of
this city relates that some time ago a
convert was made of a somewhat ig-
norant girl, and at prayer meeting
subsequently he asked her what she
would do If she heard another girl re-
wiling the Lord Jesus. Straighten-
ing herself up, she said: "If she
was larger nor me / would tell her to
shut up; but If she was smaller ]
would slap her right across the
mouth. .'-.Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Let's see. Don't they say that no.
body is able to do two things at once !?
Well, then, how about forgers, who
do wrong and write at the same time |!
London Funny Folks.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

1t is a suggestive fact that barn.
storming "Uncle Toms Cabin" COM
pany in a western town was recently
kicked off the stage by the donkeys
employed in the piece. There are
some things that even a donkey can't
stand.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

"Say, waiter, this beefstake looks
as if it had been hammered on an
anvil" "Yes, sir, we buy it by the
pound" Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

"How many calls did you make
to-dayf' asked one young man Of
another who had played poker all
day. "Ob, I made several" (which
one did you enjoy the most?" "The
call which l made on a full and found
the other fellow was bluffing on ace
high. New York Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Proud parent: "How IS that for
babyT Old bachelor: "Well, my
experience with babies is limited, but
1 should think this one might posi-
bly, be worth bringing up. Sudden
ly stuck with an idea.) Why not
try it ?'-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Joseph Arch, M. p, who has been
i'll, is described in one of the journals
as coming round" Most arches do
come round.-London Moonshine.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

"Have you read Whatisname's
poem?" mo, sir, don't read poe
try, / write it" "Well, l suppose
that does prejudice you against verse
somewhat but can assure you some
poetry is well worth reading. ."-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

| ono AucW lin.
1t always touches a tender spot in
the hearts Of travellers on railways to
see giddy young girl fall into the
clutches of q designing drummer or
something, and they watch proceed
ings with deep interest. The other
day on an outgoing Chicago & Alton
train, clipper young woman in a
short dress tripped into the luxurious
chair car and sat down near the CEN
ter on the shady side. She was
heavily veiled, and seemed to be about
sixteen years old. A little later, a
pert-looking drummer came in by the
front door, and walked through the
coach looking with interest at all the
female passengers, and then, although
there were plenty Of vacant chairs,
he walked up to one beside the chip
per young woman and saying;
Permit me -" sat down. He
rapidly endeavored to draw her into
conversation, and, although she did
not say much, she giggled like giddy
girl on her first trip alone, and seemed
much interested in the drummer.
"Fine day." said the masher.
The girl giggled and agreed that it
was.
Going fari" he asked.
"Not very" she replied.
"Ever rode on the cars alone be-
fore 7"
mo, sir" and she giggled again.
Ought to have protector, eh ?"
To this she said she did not know,
and vented another charmingly inno-
cent giggle.
II guess I'll protect you." and his
arm stole around the back of her
chair and rested on her shoulder.
She giggled again and leaned over
toward him, and the passengers began
to pity her and feel like humping the
drummer.
"Say, 1 like you r. he said, drawing
her nearer.
"You mustn't" she replied simper-
ing.
"Oh, yes, must. You are Just as
sweet as you can be. I'd like to kiss
you now."
"Oh my!" she exclaimed, but he
bent down his head and kissed her
through her yell, and she bent her
head over and let it rest OH her
shoulder, and he drew her closer to
his side. An old man who had been
watching could contain his righteous
indignation no longer, and jumping
up, he went over to the drummer,
and taking him by the shoulder yank-
ed him around and cried:
"Is this young woman your sister ?"
mo, sir"
Daughter of yours,"
"No, SIR"
us she your wife,"
"Well, l don't know as it is any of
your business, sir, but I never saw her
until fifteen minutes since"
"Oh yes he did," said the giddy
girl.
"Well, WELL" said the masher, "of
course l did, but it is none of his
business, you know. Don't talk to
him p The old man walked away
and the hugging was resumed.
Pretty good joke, amt it'" said
the drummer.
Splendid" giggled the girl.
"He thinks we're married Well,
wish we were," he sighed, drawing
her closer.
"Do you now"
"You bet!"
What would you give to have me
for wife?" she archly inquired.
"Five dollars !"
"Would you thought"
"You bet l wouldp
"All right !" said she, and throw
ing back her veil, she added: Fork
over now!" and as he saw it really
was his wife, he paid the money and
tried to look happy, but the passen-
gers roared with happy relief as she
took him by the ear and led him out
of the coach, saying:
Gentlemen, he is my husband, but
he did not think so FIVE minutes ago"
Through Mail.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Another sight of London-the St
Paul's churchyard site.-Punch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

The family circle-a wedding ring.
London Funny Folks.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

A beautiful woman, with artificial
ly heightened color, once said to Gen.
Shields:
"How is it that, having obtained so
much glory, you still seek for more y
"Ah, madam" he replied with
more force than politeness show is
it that you, who have so much beauty,
should put on paint ?"-San Francis
co Argonaut.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

First dude: "You look wather
pale, Cholly, me boy"
Second dude: "Yaas. / feel
wathaw offish. Got vaccinated yes
tawday."
First dude: "Ah Did it hurt ?"
Second dude: "No. I took ether
We know."-Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

Teacher, to boy whose father keeps
a corner grocery: johnny, if your
father has hundred eggs, and twen-
ty of them are bad, how many of
them does he lose ?" Johnny: "He
don't lose any of them. He sells the
bad ones to the restaurant keeper to
make omeletts of."-Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

A green young man having told
his sister that he thought a cer-
tain young lady loved him, the fol-
lowing dialogue ensued: Sister /:
"Why do you think she loves you p
Brother: Because she smiled on
me-" Sister: "What an absurd
idea. Why, I've seen her smile many
a time at monkeys."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27

When great ruler dies in Europe,
some one calls in his ear three times.
Once is enough in kentucky. A
friend steps reverently to the couch
Of the deceased and whispers-not
necessarily loud--"Let's take drink. "
If he makes no reply, then he is dead
beyond peradventure, and the funer-
al is proceeded with.-Louisville
Courier journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-01-27
MICHIGAN CENTRAL
The Niagara Falls Route.
MAIN LINE.

Arrival and departure of trains noted below as
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
LundbOrg's Perfume. Efenit
DIED.

BROWN on THURSDAY. August 5 at Lucerne, switzerland
Joseph Munro Brown Of Ne".foFS.
CALDwELI.-August I, r. Alexander Caldwell, aged a
Funeral services from late residence othst Mon
day. lOa III.
CRAwFoRD-Atc Clifton springs y. on Friday, August
fo-d
Funeral services at her late residence 80 Duboisst New
Trains rani Central Depot 1880 and West shore
Inteiment private at White Plains. Ny.
CRoCKER-Enteredm into rest at st Paul, MIMI July 30
formerly Of Albany \. " late Of Enslewooa Ne"Iersey
Tie inermen at the Rural Cemetery Albany Augusta
DAvIs-At Bloomfield, " j. August 1856 Joseph Austin
Funeral services will First Presbyterian Church
sunday August = at joclocS
DEMAREsT-At Goshen. Y. Y: August Harriet Evene.
Funeral at her late residence Goshen sunday
In HsTnSn at Grasnwood Monday August ..
Carriages Will be IN waiting IN jersey CITY Enc Depot
HoMMEL-suddeny on Friday August g. Elizabeth, vito
FTneTs services at her late residence l2sthst
sunday. August :, AT p H.
Inerment Monday.
LEEDs-on Thursday August Emily Livingston. wife OF
Funeral services NJ her residence. No 2lj West iots.
SUNDAY afternoon August . at "eioeA'
pFrrTr~suidcnly a, Hcmpsead L. Townsend b. Petit.
ts and relatives are respectfully invited atten. his
funeral At his late residence On Monday, August 1886
Trains leave Long Island city pos p Fibushave Up M
SATTERLEE-Su suddenly al Bar Harbor Mary Le Roy vito
Of the george e. stteree, in the 7Jt year OF her age
Notice of funeral GREATER
SHAW Mrs Sophronia \. shaw. the wife Of Percivi "
Mich the elder brother Of Charles IL
shaw city. suddenly. at Northncld. Macedonia sta
ton OHIO Friday morning
Burlington VI. ami Essex County papers please copy
NILsON-At Warm Springs Va. on the 9th inst, Colonel
William T. Wilson. ,-,,-.,.,
The relatives and friends Of the family respectfully invited
10 attend funeral from has Late residence No 81 West
stat..sf Trenton " j. Monday August - at O'Clock
=.
Int.rmont At Bollefontc, Penn
WILSON Friday August g. lss6. Jared A. Wells aged 50
Inicrment at Petersburg. New.York.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
LABOR TROUBLES ~ OTHER Places.

Chicago, Aug. IA morning newspaper
Board OF knights of Labor III regard To the Mc,or
mick troubles will he favorable TO the iars Com
pany II s said that the principal point developed by
the Ynm nation IN that great majority Of those who
struck al orinick'S factory are not aud
IN many nisiepresenitd 10 the Executive Board.
EosTo., Aug7 (Spccinb.-Ihe most favorable ndica-
lion, of peaceful ami satisfactory solution OF the labor
troube, AT j. T.. squires are prevalent to-day East
Cambridge The locked oct beginning to
,,k, reasonable OF tho situation.
ms nf Them are reported IA saying that they
hrarii sick and ashamed OF the tIOn. Mr. squire
was feeling cheerful To-day.
ArorsrA Ga. Aug. THE opo atlVos In the mills In
Augusta on going u work TINS morning found posted
notices that II strike at the Augusta factory not
.nded and II The operatives did not return work
Moudav every NH In Augusta would shut down. These
untcr, were 10y tue mill IIrslens Organized Tor
Lrotecti un AGAINST the knights oi Labor.
I,yc,srlH Penn, Aug. The heaters OF the Colum
bi Rolling Mil to-day joined the puddors In their strike
for Philadelphia prices and Work has been entirely
pended there
Pur,DugG Aug. (Speciai.-At Coal BuT tonight
900 workingmen principally inLefs pledged themselves
q. vot, for no candidate who Will pledge himself To
make laws In tho Of the abOrng class. The
,ovcurut ia the on growth of the n-piracy
cases sequel 10 the last strike III tho Mohongahea
Valley.
UuIpGEwATER Mass. Aug Tho creditors OF tho
suspended Underwater Iron Company having
oaer.d an extension Of time. provided
the works DO started up again.
new board Of director aud snpsrin randent have
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
STRANGE DEArH or 4 DRCGGISr

Coroner Levy was informed last plShl oi l"c
death under rusrclous circumstances. OF Robert n
caldwell a druggist who lived ana did business nj No.
no Iast One hundred and tonth-s The Information
of II. = cath was given tho Coroner ny Dr FRANK
Combcs OF No. 2Ol East one hundre i-aud-tweitth's
who had been caei to attend the druggist Dr. 'ohbcs
said that lie WAS summoned on Friday morning al"
fouud Caldwell IN bed. There dd not appear to oc any
tllng tho matter with HIM, but he lct restless, anu
unrasy lIe wanted to smoke great
deal and offered the doctor cigar Dr.
Comhes went away without prescribing any
medicine that he wouid call again IN the evehhg
n, went there about o'clock ami found Caldwell uh
conscious lie arcrrtancL that the Druggist h"d Dcen
visited by the Rev. Dr. Williams preacher ana phys
clau wro was his family doctor. lie, IL said. wrote
out pre- cr ut on, which Caldwell prepared himself
DE- Combcs trird To restore him to cnnsclouSnc- ana
moi succeeding sent for Dr t. ". O'Ir II, oi No. -
East rcd-audtwrith 81. lhey administers"
,lrlics ana autIdOte- and rcsOrtcd 10 every oasne
remedy get the patient out 81 tu'
stupor. but their efforts IN N1lh' no
remained III tho came condition during the hi<hl.
The two phy siclan- watched 10y his bedside throusout
iaIns The three doctors were un ibIe 10 40 any
for dne druggist who died Al noon yeser-
day. -, -, -, ,,.y,
Dr. Combcs told Coroner Levy thit no nan kno"h
Caldwell for four years and di not think ne Won laAo
IA. own NE Thought IL probable thit lie might nN
taken some chlora Ia prOiurc sleep anu ~ H''" No
,lInwrd AN uyrrtosc. Coroner Levy Will nave an
years OH aud was married a month ago 10 MS sooo"
ia
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
CONGRESSMAN slOrrs MTNEEs.

PITTsBuRG, Aug. CSpcciaD.-ln reply to the
charges made by the Trades Assembly % this city, grow
Ing out OF the troubles his inrs Congressman ". :;
Scott, OF Eic, writes that neither himself or his c-
poyes represented a. tho Joint conference at Coi-
umbus Ohio In January last at which the proc Of min
Ing was Il cens ton. Mr scott says that TIE
nrst hostile act was committed By his miners when they
struck March - IN order to all the WestmOrrland
and Penn Coal Companies men who were also ouis
Fix weeks later scots men Resumed at the COM
pany's terms. month Later the men presented a
new scale accompanied by tho demand that
IL he enforced for FMS unusual demand winch
Mr scott denoDnated an act OF oppression, refused
and a second strike cpsurf. Mr. SCOTT that his
men are provIsd with .teanier rinT and are
paid in high wages AZ are pad elsewhere As 10
The check wcIghnau trouble. Mr. scott asserts tha The
men, contrary to law, elected as chrck-weigiinan -
former ciupioye who had been dismissed for cause.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
EUNNING THE NIAG1EI Rapids.


TWO MIS- ABOUT TO TAKE rHF RISK ~ ToElfDo
SHAPED BOAT.
BrrFALO. Aug. I (SpccirN. -ticorgc iiazctt
and william Potts two adventurous coopers who intend
10 outdo Graham started This evening from Black Rock
on "a trip 10 Chippewa. lust above NlaGara FiIS III
torpei 10 shaped barrel which they VIII try tomorrow
TO pas. through the VIII pool rapid. the NIX mael'Eom
itself and over the pcy's rOck' In the lower r"pi'.
They have Ia their queer boat propeller wheel which,
with the current Ought get them To the brink OF the
cataract 10y midnight. Arrange ucuis were made 10
meet them there with boat. but II the calculation i"s
tnry Will 30 carried tho cataract 10y the current.
The current there - l. mics hour ant the wheel
give. only u power ot miles. 50 that IN the
dark Ley may lie carried over ihe i"i.s'
IIazctt AMI Potts were both coAhieot they would h"i
safely Al Chippewa. aud thdr craft won.i be carried
then around % the place beio~ tho FAILS from "hl,h
th.y rucct 20 tomorrow On tn"ir les lcr'"''
Inn tc.t ol the torpedo Wa made IN bhHao 'frch
IN. A. rnon Il proved successful. IL" h"i i -itoh--
10 80 t n. binder. Will better Withstand tue
rnc. nan an t,r.hhins r.-k. HhLirN assert, lhht hr
manned crab ,u- barre. ,ni trst this . bls wprV-
iucut ON H. tuasuusn a. ~ can he 'rrTr win 'u''
and - lr,nnlrut of towing FDtts, VIE looked Al the
,rrr tui- Af1eruoon and SAN she wt' WHINE 10 irl h't
,,.,,n - IA. NE IA IL Iu-ir baby erred whiir sue
l,oktn, Al H. Hoh are liun.o men, and formerly
Mod rr,r NiaeA-a I,ls 10" voyage u h"@"io''
ON. and The anc~s even that hej either :" over
The f,s toAlst cor get wrecked h '"e VIII P'o' -
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-08-08
LIST n,Y OF TIE .rArr OWL.

STATE CAMP. PELK-KIiL. AM. 1.-Clmp has
h,c ID, 4 .te of confusion to-day Il Is the last day ~
the camping season Tor the National Guar! All day III
The rain the were preparing 10 break ca"p Dur
ni.Aing up their gan, and packing mp tu'r ACQUIRE
ucnt, prc pAratpry TO leaving camp Many 81 tAe uen
were IN PecE.ki tai. morning hi! I'm, goo by 10 h''r
frrnIs wAom they have ma 3" ~hl'e in camp IA" "r"
seem sorry to cave their pleas mt quarters Aver H.
,c,,,r ~ ln,,s., x c.rtrl!gr boxes and especially.
soldiers. clad In thrr gray oNclV"'t-,
formal companies IN tho RAIN AT o.1' T. H. '"i
,u,rrl.d In 10, Hook where "a special Train awaited
them. Everything In camp has boon slowed :" - "u'o
cnyrr uuti next summer aud Tonight nc place "'n
and d,.,rtr save by few attendants LETT 10 Watch the
-