Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1886-08-04
NEWSPAPER WIT.

PHYsIc beats the faith cure because
it has tie inside track.
THE watermelon is Fenian vegeta-
BILE. 1t wears the green above the red.
Buffalo Courier.
A CHICAGO paper says Mr.. Multum
has settled in that city. Then ne Is
no longer in Parvo.--Texas Sifungs.
AN amphibian is an animal that
lives on land and water. The social
ist is not an amphibian, because he
lives on land and beer.-Puck.
YOU'VE DOCTOR -'sThey don't bleed
people nowadays as they did twenty
years ago, do they, professor Z"
PROBES sor-"Not with the lancet"
AN exchange says that ice two inches
thick will support a man. In mid
summer it supports the ice man and
his entire family .-Philadelphia Call.
MISS LILY, having been naughty and
whipped, sulks in the corner. After a
few moments she signs and says:
"Come kiss me, little mamma; for
give you"
FOND FATHER-"Don't you think |
ought to have my daughters voice
cultivated?" Tortured guest-"l
think you ought to have something
done to it. "-Judge.
NEVER spread an i'll report about
your neighbor until you know posi-
lively that it is true; and don't do it
then if he is good deal bigger than
you are.-Texas SItings.
"WHY does a mustard plaster beat
e. kiss ?" said little Johnny Toddle to
his sister. Because, you see, a kiss
issimply bliss, while mustard plasters,
don't you know, are blister"
MRS. DUsENBERRY-Nowju just look at
those flannels! If anything will shrink
more from washing I'd like to know
what it is. Mr.. Dusenberry-A boy
will, my dear.-Philadelphia Call.
BUTCHER Ito young housekeeper)-
have nothing left, mum, but hind
quarter of lamb and liver. Young
Housekeeper- well. You may
send me a hindquarter of liver.-Life.
A DEALER advertises Lightning
Fruit Jars" They may be new
brand, but for tightening fruit jars
there is nothing more successful than
q small boy and NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
Herald.
A MAN innocently spoiled sermon
and PRAYER by exclaiming, while the
tears rolled down his cheeks: ''Lord,
Thou knowest / have been an awful
sinner-the chief among ten thousand
and altogether lovely"
DURING the last illness of the late
Frederick Lucas, q friend expressed g.
hope he might still pull through.
eyes he said, GIVE no doubt what
ever I shall pull through, and find my
self on the other side!'
FoUR-YEAR-oLD BELLE had been
watching Tom, the cat, squeeze
through g. very small hole under the
house. "Oh, mamma" she said, "you
ought to have seen Toni He just
mashed and went under! "-Youth's
Companion.
"YoUNG American" wants to know
WHY we celebrate the Fourth OF July
with boom Of cannon and streaming
bunting and glad, exultant shouts.
Because, dear youth, Bill the COLLEGE
and high school commandments are
over.-Burdette.
LULU's grandma, becoming impa-
tient with her noise, said to her:
"Lulu you are mistake; you should
have been a boy" Lulu was very
thoughtful for a few minutes, then
gravely answered.: "Grandma. God
don't make mistakes. "-Ph1ladelphia
Call.
The sarcasm of destiny has been IL
Illustrated in the West. A Dakota man
by the name of Rose gave his daughter
the name of Wild that she might be
called the Wild Rose OF the Pralries;
but she ran away with man. by the
name Of Bull the other day, and her
name is terrier to the inhabitants.
A FLAT failure. Featherly-Nice
day for the race. Dumley. Dumley-
What race is that? Featherley-The
human race Dumley--Oh, | beg par
den, l thought you referred to some
horse race. Yes, you're right, we're
having beautiful weather. Still living
up at your father-in-law' suppose,
Featherley Puck.
OFFICE BoRE-Helloa, Bascombe;
you missed me dreadfully, I'm sure.
Busy editor-Yes, Mr.. Graves. "Pm
Just home from little trip to the 70
semitic" "Ah, indeed Well, I'm
glad to see you're back" 1t sound.
ed all right, but the bore wondered
whether the apostrophe was there or
not. philadelphia Call.
eNow, my darling, say your prayers
and then you will have q pleasant
Sleep" said mother to her little g.
year-old. sI'se so sleepy, mamma, ]
can't" "But. my child, you must
not go to sleep without saying your
prayers. God won't love little chill
dren unless they pray" "I'se so
sleepy" 'Never mind, wake up now,
dear, and say your prayers like good
little girl" "Oh, mamma" pleaded