Audubon County Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Audubon Co., Iowa) 1885-1894, 1886-12-16
A sENsELEss CUSTOM.
The Inappropriate Names Sometimes
Given TO Children.

The Inappropriate Names Sometimes
Given TO Children.
What funny names people give to
their children, anyhow, writes Bob Bur-
dette. Not the high-sounding or fanci-
full or romantic names; they do well
enough, althoug they do harmonic i'll
with red hair and freckles sometimes.
But real good, sensible names, even
family names, mean. Now. one Of
the boys with whom went to school
was named Newton, Isaac Newton.
His ideas of heaven and mathematics
were equally we'll founded. / shall
never forget his amazement when the
teacher assured him that two and two
made four, He stuck out for seven for
a long time, and at length agreed to
leave II TO the class, aud when we unan-
imously decided in favor of four. he
said it was the beatin'est thing ever
happened to him. The day he learned
that an apple. looscned from the tree,
would fall down instead Of up. he sat
without speaking word all day, dumb
under tho overpowering burden of this
revelation that fell upon him like the
world renowned clap of thunder out Of
clear sky. And, one day, overhoar-
ing the teacher declare that the sun
was moro than twice as large as the
earth, he gathered up his books and
said he couldn't stand any moro Of this
nonsense. Ho never came back to
school. Ho got place as clerk in q
coal-yard, where his immoyable faith
in the doctrine that two and two make
seven, and that the attraction Of gray
itation makes things fall up, so that the
lighter anything weighs the heavier 1t
is, paved his way to partnership and
great wealth. He kept on knowing
less and less every day, until now ho is
most emnently respectable citizen,
who thinks politics Is vulgar and debas-
ing, never votes, aud Is member Of
the board of education.
Then there was young solomon Wise
man. lie stood ut the foot Of the same
class five years; that was the lowest
class in school. He never got ont of it.
Said the teacher: Can fish live on
tho land Wiscman" And Solomon
thought minute and said: "Yes'm."
Then she said no. and explained why
they couldn't, and then asked; Gould
they live in the ARP and he said cheer
fully: "Yes'm." But she said no, and
explained why, and then asked: "But
they could live in the water. couldn't
theyP' And young Wiseman said, very
confidently: Nome" She said they
could, and this discouraged him. lie
never came 50 nearly answering
question correctly again. lie staid In
school five years, during which time he
drove two teachers to suicide. He Is
rich man now. and member of local
board of civil-servce reform. When
he left school he got place down AT
the gas-works and his unfailjng capac-
ity for making everything mean exactly
what 1t didn't say led to the invention
of the gasometer, and so he sped on to
fortune.
Why, do you know that could give
dozen instances OF these human mis-
nomers. There was Jerry Blackhart,
not jeremiah, but Jeroboam. He was
half-breed Indian, son of old Col.
Blackhart q miserable old thief Of an
Indian trader. who called this boy
Jcroboam to spite tho chaplain of the
post. That boy just loved his worth
less old father, and ho wouldn't have
his name changed for anything,
though everybody shortened it to Jerry.
But he was the whitest boy in that
school. He never used n word or an
expression that he couldn't have used
in Sunday School. Hc was the soul OF
honor, and was religious clear through,
He got up a noon prayer meeting in the
school, and ii led to a revival, and he
is missionary to-day working among
his brcthern in the far west.
And there was Nick Doolittle; he
was the busiest boy in school. He
read by freight until he was bald at
II, studied himself into brain fever at
Is, then he became a civil engineer. laid
out railroads faster than tho Gould
family could gobblo them up, and every
time he gets unusually busy he dis
charges two or three clerks because.
he says, they get in his way and retard
his work. Fact is. you can't tell much
about boy by his name, except in the
old time Sunday-school books, where
the good boys are always named John
and Charles and the bad ones called
| Bob and Bill