The Sunday morning news. [volume] (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1886-1891, 1886-10-31
ABOUT MIR. MISUNDERSTANDING.
The Republican Congressional Nomi-
nee's Military Career.

tfrom IHE SUNDAY MORNING NEWS ct October 24th)
Mr. Schlaghammer, the Republican
nominee for Congress, has already been
abundantly considered in his capacity as a
mere Man. Our contemporary. the Argus.
has discussed his pretentions to be regard
ed as Thing of Beauty. 1t remains for
US to assign to him his proper niche in the
temple of Fame as veteran. That Mr..
Slambanger is a veteran is proposition
which, after thorough investigation of
the evidence, we are not prepared to deny.
There are of course some captious and
critical people who dispute his claim to
military distinction. They urge against
him the fact that he was never killed or
even so much as MORALLY wounded in any
of the battles of the rebellion. But this,
on moments reflection, will be seen to
be wholly unfair and absurd objection.
1t would be as reasonable to find fault with
the janitor of bank because he had not
robbed the institution as to find fault with
Mr.. Schlikslammer because he did not per-
sonally perish on the field of action. As
everybody knows, it is the business of the
cashier and not of the janitor TO rob the
bank, and so similarly if is the business of
the soldier and not of the company cook to
give up his life for his country. Sill the
company cook, if he be good one, has a
merit peculiarly his own of which he may
be not unjustly proud. For upon the pro-
fessional skill of the company cook de-
ponds in great measure the courage and
success of his comrades. No man can
fight well on an empty stomach. Indeed
the value of this humble but indispensable
servitor was so highly appreciated during
the war that when President Lincoln re-
ceived the tidings of the victory at Ante
tam he was heard to joyfully exclaim. 81
care not who leads the armies of the Union
so long as Schlaghammer cooks their pork
and beans" Here, then, is a significant
tribute to the worth of this distinguished
culinary artist
But we are disposed to 60 further in this
matter and to prove that Fleckfiammer
rendered even greater service than that of
keeping the pot boiling savorily over the
embers of the camp fire. He may not have
been killed. it is true. And for the sake
of argument we will admit that he was not
even mortally wounded. But he has a
very cieditable private collection of scars,
which he is willing, if necessary, to ex-
hibit to The curious voter. The history of
some of them is quite singular. For in
stance, while he was warming the coffee on
the third day at Gettysburg, a cannon ball
struck him on the cheek and fell fattened
to the ground. If he had not thus arrested
its course, it would in all probability have
killed the chaplain of the regiment, who
stood behind him. The shock broke one
of Mr.. Tackhammers molars. That is the
kind of cheek that Mr.. Schlagschlanger
has, and it is just the kind of cheek he
needs in his present business of running
for Congress. On another OCCASION while
he was making soup, at Fredericksburg,
a canister shot crashed through his skull
and penetrated his head. 1t has ever since
remained there, and though it was only a
tea canister shot, it gives his head the ap-
pearance of being abnormally swelled. In
one of the hottest engagements in the Will
derness he received another wound,
affected the muscles of his arm,
and this, perhaps. accounts for the
difficulty and reluctance which he
is said to evince in putting his hand in his
pocket. AT Harper's Ferry Mr.. Schlam-
bangor, while engaged in the ambitious
operation of maneuvering against recall
citrant pack-mule, sustained kick in the
ear from the animals right hind hoof The
blow did not bother Mr.. Bangschlammer,
but it proved fatal to the mule, for the
beasts leg broke as it was being hauled
out of the veterans auricular cavity But
why further pursue this record of great
achievements? Everybody knows the
story of how Mr.. xS.-iadhamgey say..G hiis
country in order that he nigh; continue 10
adorn it.
1t was General Grant who, noticing the
massive proportions of Mr.. Schnideham-
mer's pedal extremities, remarked, with
the true instinct of genius, that if Mr..
establishments would only put down
his foot on the Rebellion, there would be
an end to the Rebellion.
But the thing we like most about Mr..
Bungstarter is his modesty. He is simply
content with assuring his fellon citizens
that he vanquished the rebels. He does
not even assert that he did it singlehanded
although, to be sure, that fact might be
inferred from his remarks at the meetings
which he has addressed So far as we know
he has never boosted that Lee surrendered
to him personally, and yet every we'll in
formed school boy is aware that Lee would
have fought at Appomattox If his spies had
not brought him word that Mr.. Schwagsch-
wammer was quietly and unostentatiously
preparing the bootleg coffee at the rear of
the Federal army. The presence of
Schwammerschlag was too much for Lee.
And so he threw up the sponge. We think
that we have thus fairly indicated the
right of Mr.. Schlagbanner TO be enumer-
ated among those who have deserved well
of their country. We wish the good man
no harm. But we cannot comfortably re-
train from observing that his candidacy for
Congress is about the most ridiculous
performance that has ever been given,
free # charge, fer the amusement OF this
community.