Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1886-11-04
STRAY SUNBEAMS.
Gathered as They Sparkle From the
Pen Of Humor.


Pen of IIumor.
Some things are more valuable when
hey are upside down. A figure 6, for
astance.
The eagle is a tough bird, but when
II is put on the back Of a dollar 1t is
z egal tender.
"Are cigars offensive to you, madam ?"
he asked. "Them five-cent kind is"
she replied, with her nose in the air.
He-aYou are the only college girl
| ever liked" She-"Why, how SO ?"
He-"Oh, the Others all know so
much"
After much research and investiga-
tion we are convinced that boarding
hOnse chickens are hatched from hard
boiled eggs.
Kentucky will raise 4,S0O,0OO bushels
more of corn this year than she did
hst. Kentucky will manage to distill
a good deal of comfort from this.
"Why do you drink that vile STUFF"
said a temperance man to a topper.
Because, my dear sir" was the crush
ing reply, "it isn't thick enough to
II think Tompkins would make n
good fighter" said Jones to friend.
speaking of an old topper. What makes
YOU think sop" Because he never
takes water" b
The bravest are not always the ten.
derest, as the poet sings. There is the
red game rooster for instance; he will
fight bird double his size, but he cuts
up tough in potpie.
"Well," said one Chicago Anarchist
to another, with n sigh, ait might have
been worse" "Yes, indeed" was the
reply, "it might have been imprison-
ment with hard labor"
The conductor exclaimed angrily:
Here, don't do that. You're ringing
the bell at both ends of the car"
"That's all right. Bedad, an I want
both ends of the car to shtop."
Mr.. Litewaite-"Y You must excuse
me if am rather dull am always
stupid when have q headache" Miss
Keene-" Dear me! 1t must be dread.
full to have a headache so much of the
time"
Enfant Terrible-Why have you
gray hair mamma? Mamma-Because
you are such a naughty little girl. E. Il.
Then how very naughty you must
have been, mamma! Grandmamma's
hair is quite white.
Visitor" Miss Deyereaux is quite
musical" Host" Yes. very much So"
Visitor" Does she sing in English z"
Host" She does, and I'm very sorry
she doesn't sing in Kalamazoo or some
other far-away place"
Little Tommy, an interesting boy.
but timid when left alone in q dark
room, was overheard recently by his
mother to say In his loneliness: hOir.
Lord, don't let any one hurt me, and
Ill go to church next Sunday and give
you some money"
"Y-a-s," said an Indiana citizen
whose home lies in the fertile valley of
the "Waybosh." al happened to be in
Charleston when the inst yearthquakc
cum."o What did yru 10 when you
'elt the first trembling" "Ituk thirty
grains Of quinine, b'gosh.'
If Eastern journalism wants to keen
pace with the enterprise of the young
and vigorous West, 1t must dish up it's
news in this shape: Rev William
Wacks, the evangelist, went cunning
for sinners at Hayfeld, and bagged five
hundred converts in four weeks"
Boston Is importing statue of
Rameses the Great from Egypt. It is
5000 years old. We hope Boston will
be warned by the fate of Cleopatra
Needle in New York, and set old Ram
up by Q hot stove, so that he won't peel
of and become ruin. Y
AT the last meeting of the Brother
hood Of Unmitigated Liars, Bill Bledsu
stated that he was the most inyeter; ,
liar In Heppner. He told the trut.l
thereby violating one of the rules al
the society, for which he was fined 81 j.
to be applied to the Ananias monu-
ment fund. sHiM
A little fellow living in town, be.
tween three and four years old. WAS
asked what his kitty did in q fight b =
tween her and a dog. "Weil," sail Il I.
"she bumped up Her back as higa ai
she could, she made her tail rs big rs
| she could, and then she blew her nose
in his face" ~.
A man came into cigar store.
bought cigar, and threw q bad FIVE
cent piece on the counter He WAS
hurriedly departing when the dea :
called after him; .lIold on, hold on
it's bad" "Never mind" answered
the purchaser as he quickly passed out,
"l1l smoke 1t anyway" ili
y" Now, children" said the teacher OF
the infant natural history class after the
peculiarities of the crab had been dis
cussed, ais there any other member az
the animal kingdom who possesses t.i..
| power of moving rapidly backward ="
| aYes," said one of the most promising
Of the little scholars, "the mule kin
| do It." 15 $50 tesW ff qlai
At one Of the recent school examina-
tions the scholars OF the intermediat
| grade were required in physiology | +,
| locate the liver. Evidently they knair,
| for the answer of one girl was
.The liver is situated ,outh of tha
stomach and q little 10 tile right of il :
The question is, ought she to be marked
down on 1t?
Lawyer to timid young woman:
"Haye you ever appeared rs q witness
In q suit before?" Young womaa
blushing: Ye-yes, sir: Oh cours,
Lawyer: Please state to the Jury
what suit 1t was" YomiVwoman "
more confidence: alt was n nu
vailing, shirred down the front at.
trimmed with lovely blue, with lha
TO match" Judge, rapping violently
.Order In the court
| what have you been doing up il
K the justices Office =" asked Il man Of
/ serious iooking indiyiJli,l who cs''
| down the stairs Ar. Nnil. .mafiis i
| my friendY interroga,l ,lyl it,s s.qla'.,
| looking individual. N'l'es I!rpiet
| ather. Isyour motherrii,:la.slsseu
"No-" 4Well, then, yoI. sai aot /