Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-02-10

MICH, WEDN.
WIT AND HUMOR.
The hen is the lay-dy of the barn
yard.-Merchant Traveller.
Wanted, humor so rich that il
would cause prisoner to break out.
Free Press.
A bachelors logic; Marriage is a
lottery; lotteries are illegal; there.
fore / simply obey the law by keep.
ing single. London Funny Folks.
"My serment shall stand on these
three p'ints," said a colored preacher,
not many Sundays ago: 81, the ex-
poundin', 2, the cnlargin', and 3, the
arousin'."
What is the difference betweea
Queen Victoria and King Theebaw ?
The one is annex-ing of Burmah, and
the other is an ex-king of Burmah.-
English paper.
"My dear Filsby, why do you rise
and leave the concert-room after
every piece ?" doctors advice, my
dear fellow ordered, on no account,
to sit between two airs" London
Fun.
There is not so much difference be-
tween restaurant and cattle barn
as one would at first suppose. The
former has many tables, and the lat
ter has its stables, too.-Chicago
News.
In Alabama they chew the tassels
of the fir trees as a substitute for to-
bacco, which" says a correspon-
dent, reminds me of the adage !:
BE fir-chewers and you will be hap
py."-Life.
A Paris correspondent writes that
he finds great difficulty in gaining ad-
mittance into the cemeteries. Let
him try the experiment of dying, and
the gates will be opened to him.
Hartford Times.
Old Farmer (to young ditto)-
"What do you feed your pigs?"
Amateur Farmer-"Corn." o. F.
"In the ear?" A. f. Gin disgust)-
mo, in the mouth. New Orleans
Times Democrat.
Minister-"I am thinking of get
ting a new chime for the church.
What kind would you recommend ?"
Parishoner (who lives next door to
the sacred edifice) "a pair of dumb
bells. Boston Budget.
"Mariar, what book was you read
in so late last night?" at was a
novel by Dumas, the elder" elder,
I don't believe it. What church
was he elder on, sh'd like to know,
and writ novels ?"-The Judge.
Small brother-"Where did you
get that cake?" Small sister
Mother gave it to me-" Small
brother-"Ahl she always gives you
more than me-" Small sister-"Nev-
er mind she's going to put mustard
plasters on us when we go to bed to-
night, and I'll ask her to let you have
the biggest. Hotel Mail.
Punctuation is still lost art to
few society lights. An elderly lady
who had invited a favorite nephew to
spend New Years Day with her did
not understand from his written apol-
ogy that he was suffering from an at
tack of erysipelas. The note read
"Dear Aunt should certainly have
been with you had I been well f; even
now am in great pain while l write
with my nose."-Boston Budget.
Here is a Texas society note: "The
beautiful and accomplished Miss Fly
high was SO unfortunate at the ball
last evening as to be bitten on her
plump, snowy shoulder by vicious
mosquito. The young lady immedi-
ately tainted, but was resuscitated and
is now doing well. The mosquito was
captured by four of the young gen.
tlemen present, taken outside and de-
capitated with meat axe."-Ex.
Wife (reading the paper)-"Well,
1 declare, if that isn't the queerest
thing / ever heard of" Husband
"What's that" Wife-"Why, here
in the paper is an account of a we'd
ding up in Manchester, and among
the wedding presents was a bull.ter-
rier, given to the bride by her
father" Husband-"I don't see any
thing odd about that. She was the
old mans youngest daughter, wasn't