News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-09
RELIGION VERSUS BUSINESS.


Minister TO Deacon)-How were you
pleased, Brother Jones, with my sermon
yesterday on the sin of betting on cleo
| tions
Deacon Jones-Well- er, to be frank
with you, didn't like it all.
Minister-No ?
Deacon Jopes-No, sir I'm in hats,
you know, ana there's very little money
IN the business as it is.
NOTHING TO DO WITH BEER.
81 suppose, said Pittsburger to a
brewer, ''that the large shortage OF the
hop crop will have marked effect in
decreasing the manufacture of beer"
"The shortage in what 2" asked the
brewer
in the hop crop"
81 don't see what hops have to do
with beer. What are hops anyhow ?"-
PtttSJury Telegraph.
DOTS AND DAsHEs.
PERHAPS If we had more big guns in
congress, we might have more in our
fortresses.
1t is wrong to speak of 'respecta-
ble' embezzler as a 'good man gone
wrong" He is bad man found out.
A NEW GAME of cards is called "mat-
rimOny." II the man wins he takes tho
girl; if the girl wins she takes the man.
WHEN man starts out to lecture he
puts On dress suit. A woman before
starting to lecture puts on nightgown.
THE Italians who come to this coun-
try must have strong attachment for
their native land. They bring so much
of it with them.
SOME regret is expressed that the new
silver certificates have no picture of an
American citizen passing triumphantly
through the Niagara whirlpool in bar
rel
'MAMMA," said Bobby, 81 have eaten
my cake all up, and Charles hasn't
touched his yet. Won't you make him
share with me so as to teach him to be
generous z"
THE man who gets hold of q piece
of news and womb give it up to
reporter is probably restrained by feel
ings of professional jealousy. He is an
item miser himself.
A YOUNG man who has a good deal of
spare time on his hands wishes to learn
of something that will keep him occu-
pied. We can think of two things right
of-getting married and tipping over a
beehive.
LoUI NJ. ALCoTT has written a Sc
quel to ''Little Men" We know not
what its title is to be. but it is univer-
sally agreed that large women are the
natural complement of little men.
A BOSTON lawyer recently met his
match IN witness who was giving evi-
Lawyer she look as | am looking
at you now, for instance witness
Well, yes; quite vacant like
CHIEF GRAVES, of the Bureau of En-
craving, being asked what design would
be placed on the Government oleomar-
oarine stamps, said he thought ga stuffed
goat-a bogus butter as it were =
would be about the right thing"
"CoNE, let's go and have a taste of
beer" said genial nickel to a pensive
hop that was scanning the latest market
report to see what he was worth. ''No,
thank you," replied the hop with digni-
ty. 81 never touch beer"
AN advertisement, written upon bit
of foolscap paper, reads as follows:
"Lost.-A good rubber boot; on the
road from North Scituate beach to
Scituate Centre. / have the other. Will
buv or sell. Address l.. W. Cook,
North Scituate."
SAM JONES may become good Chris
tan vet if he continues to follow up the
line indicated by this extract from one
of his recent sermons: "Any father at
the table who will palm off the neck or
back of a chi ken upon his children is
not Christian
AN American base ball player was in
Belfast on Wednesday, and when the
riot broke out, and he saw clubs -four
ishing and heard pistols popping, he
began to grow homesick. When the
excitement subsidized, he asked stranger
if the umpire had escaped.
81 THINK I'll get up and stretch my
legs little" said tall man, as the nine
came in. son, DON'T" said another
spectator who had been sitting in front
rassed by the legs of his tall compan on,
"don't do that They are too long al
ready"
SOME one has discovered that one side
of the body tends to outwalk the other;
with the eyes shut person invariably
walks to the right. If this be true it
might be good thing for bank cashiers
to always keep their eyes shut. But it
is always well for the directors to keep
their eyes open.