Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1886-01-14
THE FLOWING BOWL.
Hackmanss HOmiIy on How
whisky Affects Different Men.
Cincinnati Sun

Cincinnati Sun.
s'Did YOU ever notice now different
men act when they have taken few
nips too much2" said Sloppy, the
hackman, TO The Sun, as the jehu
leaned against the iron railing OF the
old postoffce ''Well, if you haven't
you oughter watch 'em sometime. In
my business I've seen all sorts Of fell
lers, and [ have lots O. fun or trouble
wild 'em, as the case may be. a
drunken man isn't generally q very
pleasant spectacle to 3 sober one, but
it's mighty strange what an mfoo-
euce the old suff will have on 'em.
Now, amt sayin' nothin' about beer
that don't count; but I'm referrin'
TO plain, everyday whisky--Kentucky
stuff o. 1879 or 80 IL answer. In my
philosophy there's five kinds of Ticker
--rear- back, side-slant, zigzag, talkin',
mute, and sleepin'. Mind you, these
are the species that I've learned from
the way in which the boys act after
they've been loadin' up. If you'll
only think minute you've seen all
five OF these kinds of tam'ra medi-
cine workin'. There's the rear-back
chap. He throws himself back as if
he were bigger man than a police
commissions. Everybody knows he's
drunk, and he knows it himself, but
he tries to walk straight to make
people believe he's all right. He's
one of the funny coves, and if
he can get you up in cor
ner hell talk you to death. Some
times he's an awful bad man, and If
you amt careful Quill come pop.
] alters steers clear of this kind unless
I've got 'em in my hack. When my
jobs over, and they say 50 when they
promised S., I generally give in and
side-slant boozers area sorry lot. They
look like they had spinal meginis, or
whatever you call it. They most alters
belong to the barreI-house gang, and
their poor hides are soaked with rot
gut. 1t amt long before they
drop in the gutter. / tell you, Christ
mas is the time to study human natur'
when it's little off in the masculine
gender. They amt mean OF nothing
of that sort. Would share their last
nickel wild q friend. I never cry, but
somehow Or other the briny will come
into my eyes when I hear that one of
these poor devils has croaked. There
amt SO tremendous much difference
between the slantin' and the zigzag
usher. The zigzagger can't stand
much. About forty-one drops sends
him off, and he has a terrible hard
time navigatin'. Good-fearted they
are, too, as ever lived; fond of a good
story or q pretty song. Music seems
to be. in their very souls. These kind
the country can least afford to spare.
They have big brains and hearts of
steel, if it wasn't for the Ticker, which
scriptur' says gives it's color in the cup.
Of all the detesta5le, meanest critters
on earth, the cryin' drunken man is
the worst. He lays all over Teller and
slobbers, weeps and tells his troubles,
and wished he was dead. Lord knows
I wish he was when he comes round
nae. He comes under the talkin' class
and amt got no friends because every
body wants to git out Of his way
when he's drunk. He's such z pesky
nuisance. [ was sittip' in q saloon
net fifteen minutes ago and Jimson
here, who's called by that name as he
| grew NH 81 Sl1Ih dAtA 80 IAuSA 11hG d
weed, when one of them with love
of Did rye came in. He only said:
| 'Giname a drink and laid down his
money. He looked like he was yearn-
in for scrap, and glared around the
shop as much as if he was sayin':
What in HI are you dom hereg
He drank the stuff, didn't ask anyone
Up, and went out. 7 never heard o.
one o that kidney ever gettin' drunk.
He's TOO mean. Speakin' about the
sleepin' drunks, I think they are the
best O. the whole lot. I've seen them
curl UP on a chair or table and snore
| away for four or five hours and not
bother nobody. The barkeepers seem
to be dead raw against them, though;
say they don't spend no money and
take up too much room. We hack
men are pretty tough, but we under
stand human nature better'n anybody,
except you reporters. IF you're goin'
to print what I say let me give you
one more pointer The most disgust
ing thing on earth is a drunken
woman. A man overloaded amt
breathin' spell to a female on the war
path dosed with whisky. She's too
orney to talk about. Want a hack.
sir? One dollar to the depot. Good
night, my boy"