St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1886-04-29
THE MAN WITH A LIVER.
Burdette Runs Across n Fellow Wit
His Liver Out of Order.


had such pleasant companion on
my way home from Aurora. He got
on at Bristol and took dinner at the
Cosmopolitan" He sat with me at
dinner, and didn't seem to have much
appetite. He groaned when he took
up the bill of fare, and sighed as he
looked across the table at my order,
and then shook his head dOlefully and
told the waiter to bring him little
boiled trout, with egg sauce a bit of
boiled mutton, with caper sauce some
roast beef a trifie rare, just taste of
roast lamb, turkey with cranberry
sauce, mashed potatoes, roast duck,
some pork and beans, Boston style,
stewed tomatoes, corn, turnips, squash
and a bit of cold tongue, some sharp
relish and a cup of coffee. Then he
ordered some assorted cake, cranber-
~ pie, Indian pudding and ice cream
for desert, and said he felt darned
sight more like dying than eating.
If he dies as well as he eats, just
imagine, just think, what a glorious,
triumphant death that man will die.
Shortly after dinner the poor man
came into the coach and sat down OPP
pOsite me.
"Ah," he said, with a deep groan,
81 don't know what wouldn't give if
l could eat like you"
"Sir !" said, in fine burst of in
dignation, for feared he was going to
accuse me of swallowing my knife
every time took bite of pie, and l
just made up my mind that l would
cut his heart out if he limited at such
thing.
ooh, it's a fact" he replied; 81
haven't enjoyed a meal for years."
"Was it possible 2" [ asked, in
amazement.
'Tndeed, yes," he said. ''I'm all out
of fix. Pve no liver at all to speak Of"
didn't suppose one liver would be
of any account to him. l rather
thought that if he could get couple
of gangs of livers, and work them by
reliefs, they might be able to help him
along, especially if he had them made
of tin. But then he was a stranger to
me, so l didn't feel justified in making
the suggestion.
"No," he continued, "my liver is no
more account than a lump of lead. |
suppose" he said plaintively, ''it's as
big as four of yours"
And he looked at me with an APP
pealing glance, as though he expected
me to take my liver out and let him
examine it, as though it were an oroide
watch he wanted to trade for.
Now, if there is anything in this
wide beautiful world that will make
me mad, it is to have man who is
ailing sit down and bore me with a list
of his diseases and a detailed account
of his anatomical arrangements. And
the men of free America, it seems to
me, would rather talk about their per-
ishing livers than their never-dying
souls, and it always makes me mad for
a man to come at me and burden me
with complaints about the torpidity of
his liver, as though L were his physi-
clan. | am proud TO confess to the
blindest, deDsest ignorance concerning
my own inner life. 1 don't know
whether my liver is round or shaped
like a gun-case, and l don't know
where it is, and L don't care CONT
mental, although L always had the i'm
preston that it was just under the
shoulder blades. So | said to the man
with great enthusiasm:
"Oll, do tell me all about your liv-
erl l should so like to know all about
it. / am so interested in such things.u
The man looked little surprised at
my sudden enthusiasm, but he said
there wasn't much to tell about it. 1t
was as torpid, he said, as a snake in
December.
''Oh, charming, charmingm l ex-
claimed. Sand is it tame? Do you |
let it run around loose or do you have
to keep it chained upT