News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-12-23

i see you want bill collector, said
pale faced, melancholy man with a
deep voice, to the President of a gas
company. Being at present Olsen
gagged, | would like the job, sir"
There are a good many miles oi
walking to be done during the day by q
gas i'll collector" said the President,
''and you don't look as if you could foot
it two blocks. We want man who car
walk and keep a-going. That is the
main requirement. l don't think yor
will do.
but stayr' exclaimed the deep
voiced man. 81 was leading man in {
Led Astray' combination
"Well, sir!" said the President stiffiy
"And we left New York two weeks
ago.
"What of it, sir? What of itY"
"We played our last engagement III
Kalamazoo"
"Come, come, sir! What has all this
to do with what we require principally
IN our bill collector?" SAID the gas man,
getting up to show the applicant the
door
You don't seem to note the fact, sir,
that | am back In New York !" replied
the leading man, drawing himself up
proudly.
He got the job.--N Y. SIN.
A CONVINCING ARGUMENT.
DR.. Bartlett preached at the New
YORK Avenue Presbyterian Church yes
terday on the spread of gospel, and
during his remarks on proportionate
civilization he said that of the earth's
population, five hundred millions were
clothed, seven hundred and fifty NIL
lions partially clothed, and two hundred
and fifty millios clothesless
"What did you think of the SER
mon ?" said Jones to Brown, on their
way home.
Excellent" :" replied Brown; "only
| though the doctor was slightly off
on his figures in saying there was more
than half the earth's population only
partially clothed"
% think he is right" said Jones,
refectivelv.
'sFow do yo1 make it Why, there's
Europe and"
''H Id on" interrupted Jones, "com-
mence nearer home. Did YOU ever at
tend a full dress reception in Washing
ton 2'
Brown quailed in the face of the bare
facts Washington Critic.
PERIsHABLE CARGO.
Mr.. William Parsons, the lecturer.
was one day passenger on a big sleigh
away up in Michigan. On the road
they met another sleigh not nearly so
big as their own. The little sleigh
kind of kept to the middle of the driited
road, and the driver of the big sleigh
kind of turned clear out and kind of
turned his sleigh clear over and plunged
hrs SIX or seven passe1rlg 9Ts 10 their
necks or heels in the chilly drifts. just
as they happened to be shot in head
first or feet foTmost. Loud was their
wrath. They wanted to mob their COW
ardly driver. ''Why didn't you make
that little fellow turn out?' "Why
6idn't you upset him?' ''Why didn't
you run over him2" they demanded.
Gould of done it," said the driver,
cropping about in the snow fol stray
valises, "but l kind O. hated to spoil
his load" "What was he hauling?"
demanded the lecturer. Dynamite,
for the mines" said the driver. They
accepted his apology without division.
-BURDETTE.
OLD, BUT GOOD.
An estimable old sheep farmer of
Vermont was sadly addicted to the ar
dent. He was induced by the reform
of his church to take the ab-
pledge, subject only to the
sheep-washing period, during which
tasking times it was deemed essential
to allow of some stimulant. But mat
ters did not seem to mend with the
worthy farmer very much, and the COM
mlttee paid another remon strating visit
after a while, when they found him in a
woful state of intoxication.
"You see that ere sheep 2" he asked,
with hiccou.h, and pointing to de
iected- looking ( otswold; "that's clean
est sheep in Vermont; wash him every
fifteen minutes"
MRS. FRIsKLEY's INGENUITY.
Friskley has fallen into the habit of
.aking cocktail before his meals He
say his appetite is failing and requir
L little gentle stimulus.
The other night when Friskley had
arrived at home, and had kissed his
wife, the following dialogue ensued:
"Thank you John. Won't you affec-
kiss me again9'
kiss you again, my dear?"
"Thats what | said. Aren't you
willing too, my love9 Don't you love
ne we'll enough to?"
"Oh, yes, of course" Kisses her
t9ain.)
She (snitfling the air)-"Aha! Just
IS supposed. ''You've been drinking
lg ain. n-Boston Record.
MIND READING.
Customer-"How much will you
'harge to give me a reading of my
lead :"
Phrenologist --'Well, sir, you can |
lave verbal examination for fifty
,ents, written one for one dollar"
C.--",io ahead; Just a verbal one"
P.-"Well, in the first place, you
lave the organ of combativcness very
argely developed.
C.-"How. What's that YOU say -
p. .-"YOu have the bump of combat
veness very large"
C.-"Darned lie If you say it again
II knock you down. ."--Boston Eeac,,t
HE EEEw THE WAY.
Young Winks- Dick, my boy, will
our sister Nellie be home this e, ell
NJ
Little Dick -Guesso,
lis only night or two since !
allied but I'd like to call again this
vening if | thought she'd Fe home.
Iere's some candy for you, Dick"
Thanh awfully.'
" Now Dick, | want YOU to be a
,oOd little friend of mine"
"Well, l will be care ul not to let
Ter know you re coming. - Omah0
N0rtd.
PROGRESS oF EVOLUTION.
Returned Traveler-Do you know |
,olieve English will eventually be the
nnguage of the world
Omaha Denizon-You think so
" | feel sure OF it. Why, i'll the down
own streets of Paris you hear almost
S much English as any other Ian
,uage."
"lt may be. / was in New Y ork last
aud it's SO there now, too"
INSURED.
F'Boy, let that horse alone there;
oull get kicked"
"0h, amt afraid that horse won't
lick
,tT ly,,or- "a rro,9t hnt I5U kiaL- N,u /