Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-07-01
WIT AND HuMoR.


ticed was the lady who soothed the
feelings of a guest who had broken a
rare egg-shell cup by taking up another
and calmly chipping it against the
table, with an arch smile, saying:
These things are so foolishly brittle
that they deserve to be broken"
The story is told on the Pacific coast
that a Chinaman, discharged on account
of the boycott, turned to his late en-
ployer with an air of genial and imper-
sonal regret: 20, yes; Ilishman ask
Mclean man send away Chinaman.
That all right. He go back to China
pretty good Bimeby Ilishman send
Mclean man away. Where yQn goP''
Getting things mixed: A country min
lister who in addition to his clerical
duties followed the profession of pho.
tographer was called upon to perform
the marriage ceremony. Now, then,
young man." he said to the bridegroom
who was nervous and excited, as all
grooms ought to be, ''just keep your
eye on that crack in the wall, and try
and look pleasant Harper's Bazar.
There is colored preacher who lives
near Jasper, g., that rules his horse by
butting him. If the horse is fractions
or stubborn he takes the kinks out by
deliberately seizing it by the ears and
butting it squarely in the forehead until
it falls to its knees. This it generally
does at the second or third butt, when
the old parson steps behind and drives
ahead again. Conyers (Ga.) Solid
South.
First young lady-'.Those horrid men
There goes three more! Why can't
they sit quietly in their seats, as we do?''
Second ditto-'I don't for my part see
how they can know what the play is
about Elderly man Gin the.rear seat)
1--WE don't. We haven't seen any.
thing but your tall hats, or heard any.
thing but your chatter since the curtain
rose" (He is taken out and promptly
shot. y Philadelphia Call
Daniels as vigorous and hearty
an old man as can be found in Orange
County, but is phenomenally thin. In
fact, he has about as little flesh ON his
bones as man in good health can
have. One day his little niece was
visiting young friend whose father is
doctor, and in wandering about the
house opened closet in which there
was skeleton. why" she exclaim
ed, 81 didn't know Uncle Dan1 was
dead. "-Ne,o York Tribune.
DeGuy-" Fred, | saw you at the
Academy with strange girl last night
Who was itP" Ponsonby-''That wa'
my spring and summer girl. ",
shaken my fail and winter love" De
Guy-'I'm afraid don't fully envelor
your drift" Nothing
easier to explain. My winter girl likes
ice-cream and hates oysters, and my
summer girl despises ice-cream anc
adores the bivalyes. BY this plan
save enough each year to buy my clothe.
in Lunnon. "-Philadelphia Call
The affectionate mamma of Jamie r.
aged 5, deemed it prudent to give hin
n dose of castor-oil, and took him to {
drugstore, in company with his little
sister, to have it mixed with soda water
Jamie took the glass of suspected bev
erage in his hands. looked at it {
moment, pursed up his little lips to til,
edge, tilted it till the floating oil ros,
above his upper lip, and coolly drained
all the sweet water. Having got all h,
could without swallowing the oil, he Sc
down the glass and said: Its sister
turn now. = Rushforth (Mont.) Check
rein.
Young Washington had been out o
town visiting his uncle's sheep farm
1t CHANGED that the Sunday after hi
return home the subject of the lessor
was ''The Good Shepherd. " Young Wasl
sat and listened to the teachers dis
course with superior smile. Their,
was nothing about sheep that he didn'
know. "How does the Good Shepherd
know his sheep?" presently asked the
teacher. Il know" cried Wash. who
felt that his time had come. ''Some he
Sits their ears. and some he marks red
chalkr'-Ir0Uidence Journal.
The strike mania has entered the
office of the Rambler. 1t says that il
wants to see strike "of oppressed and
down-trodden capital against tyranni
cal and despotic labor, represented by
walters, bell-boys, sleeping-car porters,
and other grinding monopolists. These
naughty tyrants are carrying things
with a high hand, and we warn them
that trouble will come of it. 1t is toe
much for railroad companies to expect
the public to pay the salaries of theil
porters. Something is dccomposed in
Denmark when walters offer to pay fol-
the privilege of serving in n fashionable
restaurant"
A man tiptoed into an editors office
and loked furtively about. Say" he
said to the editor, 'get your pencil
ready. I've got big piece of news. y
The editor did so. MY wife's grand
mothers aunt's uncle. who has neph-
ew living near Baltimore, says that
Mr.. Walters did not pay $4,000 for the
peachblow vase" Great Scott!' ex.
claimed the editor; ''this is important
if true. Do you know how much he
did pay for it?'' Seventeenth Thousand
--nine-hundred -ninety-nine--
dollars-and-- ninety-nine- cents. y
Neao York Times.
"Have you any tobacco. friendP" ask.
ed a Manchester On. H.) man of a
stranger in the depot the other day.
PLENTY of it, neighbour" said the
friend" drawing out Accent plug
and handing it to the "neighbor." 81
say, friend, does it make any difference
to you where / bite this?" asked the
neighbor. turning it over and over in
his hands as if looking for good place.
Not in the least, said the friend in
surprise ''Well, then, I'll bite it in
Boston," said the neighbor, stepping
aboard the train as it started out
Detroit Free Press.
"Ah, Farmer Robinson" said his fan
city guest, chow quietly you live out
here in the country. You are not dis.
turbed by society quarrels, or political
excitement. or labor troubles, but all is
comfortable and pleasant Yes, miss,
/ s'pose it looks so TO you. But there's
the hottest society quarrel over who's
going to sing alto in the choir next
year; an the politics, Ben johnson
swears | shan't be selectman again
and as for labor troubles, my hired man
struck yesterday because wanted him
to milk the cows before breakfast. o.
we have our little seasons of enjoyment
as well as you city folks. '-Hargoro
Post.
That the administration of justice i:
often affected by cxtraneous circum
stances is a truth which becomes evi
dent early in life The bright 6-year
old son of genial clergyman of the
historians acquaintance had been en-
gagged with some of his friends, in
wrongdoing, and he was called into tho
house under circumstances that seemed
ominous Did you get lickede" inquir
ed one of his matter-of-fact companions
the next day. "Well, yes, did" adj