davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Drevities.

Extract from young Newport swell's note
to friend: "Sorry i Can't bee introduced
two your sister This afternoon, mi Valett left
mi Three o'clock Suit in new York and i
kouldent Go out in a Checked suit Then. Or
fully sorry. Faithfully yours, Algernon
BERTHE Silly. New York Mail.
Seaside engagements: "Your attentions
sir, and your offer Of marriage are exceed
ingly fiattering to me, but am already en-
gagged for this season. ."-Fliegende Blatter.
An honest dealer will do his buying and
selling by the same scales. There are no two
weighs about him.-New Orleans Picayune.
Smith, saw you carrying home a couple
OF nice looking watermelons last night,
Brown How much did they cost you1
Brown-I don't know yet. The doctor Is
up at the house just now.-Life.
Don't get mad at the squalling girl-baby in
che horse car. Think what she will be seven
teen years from date, and let your active
Imagination Danish the disagrecable reality.
Cambridge Chronicle,
"Do you know the nature Of an oath.
ma'am'" inquired the Judge. "Well, reckon
orter," was the reply. My husband drives
> canal boat. .n-Merchant Traveller
Butcher Ito young housekeeper)-I have
nothing left, mum, put hind quarter of
lamb and liver. Young Housekeeper-
Very well, you may send hind quarter OF
liver.-I.ife
Jersey City man recently sold his wife
Tor so. IT is difficult to understand what
Uakcs New jersey women SO valuable. In
many places women are given uway-Nor-
rstown Herald
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Overheard at the club.


"Lawd bless me soul, Awthaw What
makes You 50 pa'"t Have you got the ma.
lawia again"
Nav. But had tewible fwight Inwst
night, and me nerves aw puffect fiddlestwings
yet. Theah was a veal live wat in nv
woom, pom honaw, thcah was"
"My gwacious! And what did it dor
"lt went away
What sawt Of dawg IL it that twavels
about with Fwedy Fawnstawk, old fellawi
It's demnition cuwiols beast, must saw.
cawn't make it out don't chew know"
Its only his old bird dawg dyed black and
cut taw poodle. He tells evewyhody il was
sent % him from Fwance, and is taking
Fwench lessons so he can fawk with It,"
"Haw. But wheah the dooce did the dog
learn Fwench, hayf'
"They say Clawence Clawkson is learning
70 play the mandolin
"What the deuce is mandolin
"a sawt Of guitaw, don't chew know"
"Haw, is it nowl Why bless me soul, deah
boy. I've always, hnw, had an ideaw, don't
chew know, that gllitaw was Some blawsted
disease, like the malawia'
"Oh, deah, no, its a veal musical instwu
ment you play with Swings, and wihbon tc
hold it wound youah neck It's veal sweet
/ assuah you. You awt to heah it, yor
weally awt. New York Town Topics
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Nearly as Rad.

He was making his first CALL and all the
formalities OF the season were in full blast.
She toyed with her fan as she conversed
about the gayeties of the winter time. Leis-
urely strolling into the elegant drawing room
came the family dog, large and intelligent
type of the Newfoundland breed. 1t was
warm evening and the dog came in with his
mouth open and his tongue protruding from
uis mouth. He made directly for the hostess,
who manifested great uneasiness at the first
sight of the unexpected animal. As he came
nearer the young woman dropped her fan,
mounted first the heavy upholstered chair
and then the centre table.
Seeing the unusual performance, the young
man followed suit and was soon on top of the
marble mantelpiece, to which place Of safety
he invited his hostess. Meanwhile the dog,
the cause of the commotion, crawled under
the sofa, preparing himself to take a nap.
"When was he takenp asked the young
man, as he balanced himself amid the mantel
ornaments
"Oh, he's been that way all summer" n
piled the young woman.
"It's strange he doesn't try to bite us, isn't
itl" continued the young man.
"Oh, he wouldn't bite anybody remarked
the young hostess.
"Why, hasn't he got the hydrophobiap
''No," replied She, ''hes got fieas, and that's
pretty near as bad. "-St. Paul Glcbe.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
THE BISCUIT FOUNDRY.

A hotel mans life is not wholly destitute OF
Joy and sunlight, after all Hotel rolls,
when properly fired. make a fine appearance
ss an ornamental co.Ls on an iron fence.
They have wonderful powers OF endurance,
Also. People who have died suddenly from
eating the hotel rolls have, in several in
stances, been cremated- When the ashes
were carefully examined the roll was found
10 be intact
do not say that the rightof way through
perdition is not paved with good intentions,
but l believe that many of our leading citi-
ssns will be disappointed when they get there
TO find the hotel roll on all the principal
streets, placidly resisting the wear and tear
Of centuries, as well as the disastrous effects
Of the low, hot, malarious climate
This roll Is the bane Of our modern civillza-
tion. 1t is carrying thousands down to the
disagreeable realms Of death. 1t is attractive
IN appearance, and when it beams upon us
with Its siren smile we are too apt to yield.
But let us beware. No man should put a
hotel biscuit in his mouth TO steal away his
brain.
II had a son who wanted to become O
hotel man, and eat these death balls, / would
say to him: "Buy hotel II you wish,
Henry providine his name happened to be
Henry, and run it and make money, but
have home that you can 60 to for your
meals Do not cat your own biscuit"
saw negro a week ago, In a Chicago
museum, eating lamp chimneys and glass
paper weights His health seemed pretty
fsir, and asked him how he preserved his
longevity. He said he did it by drawing the
line at baking powder rolls.-Bill Nye In
Boston Globe.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Hitchod 'Cordin' to Law an Gospel.

One of the walters at the hotel in Grenada,
Miss, told us that colored wedding was
coming Off that evening, and several white
people went over to the house designated to
witness the affair. The happy couple finally
stood up before the minister, who said:
samuel, you an Lucinda am shortly to be
jined together. Does you desire to back outl"
"No, sah."
allow am 1t wild you, Lucindal Does you
want to funk afore desc yere white folks"
"No sah."
aDen you two hitch hands"
They hitched,
Samuel does you take her fur better OF
wussi Am you gwine to do de far thing by
dis yere gurl, who's fadder was killed on de
railroad up nigh jackson"
ayes, sah.n
Lucinda, does you realize de seriousness OF
dis opportunity Am you gwiue to stick to
Samuel clean frew to de judgment day, OF
am you gwine to trifle around arter odder
menp
"Ize gwine to stick"
"Den, chill'en, in de presence of desc yere
white men from the norf, one of whom sub
scribed two bits yesterday to help build up de
meetin' house dat was blowed down by de
sighclone l denounce you as hitched, jined
an mar'd 'cordin' to de law an gospel. Now
you go long an behave yerselyes. "-Detroit
Free Press
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
A Way Chndidnten HIVE.

Arkansaw candidate Ito Knight OF Labor
Tho strikers are right They have arisen
to maintain a great principle, and earnestly
hopo that they will succeed. l am with
them, openly and above board.
K of LII am glad you are with us and
don't think you will lose anything by it.
Candidate-Oh, I'm not thinking of any
gain or loss. 1t is matter Of principle with
me.
The candidate, few moments afterwards,
meeting capitalist, says: "Well, see that
the strikers are raising old Nick. l am in
favor OF putting down such lawlessness.
Those fellows seem to think that the possession
Of money deprives man Of all his rights as a
citizen. l have told the strikers that even
though my election depends upon them
must denounce their actions"
Capitalist-You shsi not lose anything
by your fearlessness
Candidate-oh, had not thought Of that
do not stop, during a crisis OF this kind, to
consider gain or loss, am law and order
man, myself
Capitalist-I am glad to know it, but il l
were you 1 would not be too free in the ex-
preston of my opinion.
Candidate-Oh, know there's danger in
it, but / cannot refrain from speaking my
mind am a law and order man, myself
Arkansaw Traveller.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Don't Count Your Chickens, Etc

CLARENCE, Oshl1osh.-No, Clarence, we
would not, without several reservations, ad-
wise you to marry on SIS PR week. That
you expect to be raised to SIS is not an
available argument. You only expect it.
1t is not assured. OF course the "raise" would
enable you to live in prince and prin-
cess style; but what might not be the result
II you did not get iti Think of thatl Emu
merating the barnyard fowl, Clarence, in anti
cipation of its emergence from its shell, too
often proves to be presumptuous and wholly
unwarranted familiarity with facts or figures
and fowls, to which the incontrovertible
arithmetic, or the unbr;bable hen, admins
ters the refutatory rebuRe, By reason of its
would-be mothers newness in the business, or
its own insufficient acquaintance with the
science OF obstetrics, the embryotc chick Of
finest feather may droop and die a-borning;
the setter may sit down, in the hurry and ex-
uberance of the moment, too enthusiastically
on the egg OF greatest promise, inducing,
thereby, a premature and fatal crisis; or,
perchance, she may dream her downy dream
of maternity on a plain, ordinary, everyday
white porcelain door knob. Still, Clarence,
we don't want to discourage you.-Life.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
A Cowboy at 9TH. nI,l,n.,,. ;,

Last evening l went into The Mikado, a
kind Of singing theatre and Chinese walk.
around. II is what | would call no good 1t
Is acted out by different people who claim
they are Cinnamon, reckon. They teeter
around on the stage and sing in the English
language, but their clothes are peculiar. A
homely man, who played that he was the lord
high executioner and chairman of the vigi-
lance committee, wore a pair of wide, red
bandanna pants which came off during the
first act. He was cool and collected, though,
and 81 canght them before it was eyerlast-
ingly too late He held them on by one hand
while he sang the rest of his piece, and when
he left the stage the audience heartlessly
whooped for him TO come back The Mika-
do" is not funny or instructive as general
thing, but last night it was accidentally face
tious, II has TOO much singing and not
enough Of vocal music about it. There is
also an ovorplus Of conversation through the
thing that seems like talking at a mark for
s2 week. 1t mny he owing to my simple
ways, but 'The Mkado' is too rich for my
blood. Butte lM. IT, Miner
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
He ,Inred On to thc M

Capt N;ggb WORTH who is q can tate 70.
the legislature, stopped at tho m,rlrtcntious
house of old sam SalIer. After supper. while
hle candidate was sitting on tit porch SmnS-
ing cigar Saber's little hoy shyly ap-
preached. Come here, my son. Sit on NV
knec. Now you're fixed Do YOU go to
school' No; but me AM Dick killed water
morraSn yistidy. "Nou did. All. hah Were
you not afrail he wuuli hate your "Ho, be
couldn't hit" m". could get outeir his way
an hit him with rock" MY little man,
after little while You can tell people YOU sat
on Capt. NisglcswOrth's knee "Ho, that
mint mu. hin TER tell. | sat on my pap's knee
vistidy, nm he's higSern YOU. ayes, it
would ic something to tell, for I'm going to
the r. ia.atur.. Pap says you amt" "Whatl'
putting tIe boy down "Ycs, when he seed
you com!a' he said, 'Yondcr comes that
blamed fool lie thinks he's goin to the lcsis
lature, but he amt got sense enough to holler
when he's dog bit That's what my pap
said. \ few minutes later, had the night
not been 50 dark, solitary horseman might
have been seen riding Epg the old military
road --Arkarsaw Trave%r
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
A Hcnrt For ANY Entr

-Erastus," said citizen to a coloied man
on the market, you live out on Prospect
street, don't your
ayes sahn
"lve rented that fi$e-acre field this size of
the railroad tracks, and did think Of plant
ing it all to watermelons.n
SYes, sab. Dat wsuld be a boss spckuln.
Shun, sah. OATS de bes' groun' in de hull
state fur watermelyonS Bril | ill rlus hy
I'll watch de field fur Won"
While did think OF plantm. il to melons
as said, I've concluded to use il all for
potatoes hops you are not disappointed
ElastuS."
"Oh, no, no, sah rze allus bin about
skally divided tween 'iaters an melyons.r-
Detroit Free Press
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
rher Monld ston i, rlnrrn6.

Country people ask funny questions"
said conductor on the Chicago, Burlington
and Quincy "They are always worried for
fear the train will not stop at the station
where they want to get Off. One day an old
chap asked me if there was good tavern at
Chicago told him had heard there was
one or two. A few weeks ago we were going
into St Louis and had on board an old
woman from away back. She was evidently
green traveller, and she was We y nervous.
She asked all sorts Of foolish Questions.
Finally she inquired in shr!ll, rusping voice,
Conductor, does this train stop a. st.
Louisr
AYES says /, with straight face, it ID,
Il we are tagged. St Louis is flag statiorl
but I'll see that you gsNaa ~ aoka,G-
Chicago Herald .
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
seul-stirrIne Flamenco.


Old Col Zell, at the time when Grant was
up for the presidency and when the Demo-
cratic watchword was "Anything to beat
Grant" was addressing an enthusiastic meet
ing OF Comstock Republicans, when a Demo-
crat, who was hanging on to the verge Of
the crowd" sang out, "It's easy talkin',
colonel, but wen show you something next
fall.n
The colonel was a southern Union man Of
the ultra school and great admirer of Grant.
He at once wheeled about, and with uplifted
hands, hair bristling, and eyes flashing fire,
cried out: "Build worm fence round a win
ter supply Of summer weather; skim the
clouds from the sky with teaspoon; catch a
thunderbolt with a bladder; break a hurri-
cane to harness; ground sluice an earthquake;
bake hell in an ice house; lasso an avalanche;
tx clout on the crater OF an active volcano;
hive all the stars i'll nail Sg: hang out the
ocean on grapevine to dry; put the sky to
soak ina gourd; unbuckle the belly band OF
eternity and paste To Let on the sun and
moon, but never, sir-never for moment
delude yourself with the idea that YOU can
beat Granth-Salt Lake Tribune.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
For and About the Fair Sex.

sWhat lovely woman" was tho exclama-
ton of Chief Justice Waite, upon passing a
noted beauty, when walking down Pennsyl-
vania avenue with friend. "What an ex-
cellent judgel" said the lady, when her sensi-
tive ear caught the fiattering decree Of the
chief justice ce-Exchange.
MR.. sR. KR.
= Each evening good-looking Mr..
Comes around for to visit my Sr.;
One night on the stairs
He all unawares,
Put his arm round her figure and Kr
THE SILVER LINING.
Lady caller-Yes; the drains in this neigh
borhood arc in a shocking condition. Why
don't you complain to the health department.
Doctors ~ife-Complain My husband ex-
poets to furnish the new billiard room out OF
them.-Iife.
VIRTUE OF NECESSITY
A big blot on love letter looks bad, Of
course, but there are certain compensatiors
after all. You can dip your pen in it casio
than in the ink stand until it is all used up,
then you can persuade your best girl that
put it there TO indicate kss.-Somer-
Journal
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
TWO LETTERS.

"My darling wife" the writesl, "comc home;
l cannot do without yon.
Throughout these gloomy rooms roam;
My thoughts are all about you.
"But IL you think it best to stay.
Why, do so-perhaps you'd better.
Don't think of me at ALL pray
And thus winds up tie letter.
Quickly a smile goes DER his face,
As in the ink again be dips.
HDear John" the writesl, "you know tho place,
And don't forget to bring the chips"
Tom Mason, in New York Sun.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
DimcuIt to Apprai,a.

The value of small boy has never been
fully settled in this country. A Chicago
court has just decided that boys leg is
worth Slo,0O0. The railway cut off the boys
leg As boys are in the habit Of jumping on
trains and losing various parts Of themselves
The chances are that if the various pieces are
from time TO time brought into court we
may soon get the legal estimate of the value
of an entire boy.-Dctroit Free Press
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Useful Hints.

When sitting hen is too lndisposed to
stay on the nest continuously, let her rest
alternate days and tie the rooster on the nest
while she's resting.
The SCOT can be thoroughly swept out of
chimney by dropping a goose in it at the
top. The goose, in vainly striving to fly up
ward, thoroughly cleans the chimney with
its wings.
BY immersing the entire body in soft tar
before taking q bee-tree, you can render
himself invulnerable to the assaults Of the
bees.
You can smoke rabbit out of hollow by
smoking cigarette close enough to let the
stencil enter the hole.
The scent of whisky ON the breath can be
subdued by smearing asSfatda on the
moustache.
II you make a habit of keeping live mice
in your pockets, your loose change will be
comparatively safe from your enterprising
wife
II you take small stepladder with you
into the theatre it will be very serviceable
when the stage is barricaded from view by a
big hat
Freckles can be removed from the face
~tth sandpeper. Life,
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
rlayIng House as He Understood n

Nother-Why, Harry, You haven't got
through playing house down on the beach,
have you!
Harry es'm.
MOther-What's the matterf Didn't Won
have good timel
HaITy-Nom; that Carrie Judsnn Is a
mean old thing. She wouldn't fight bit like
you and papa; and when hit her on the head
she cried She's no fun.-Tid-Bits.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
JUSTLY CELEBRATED.
The Nnnnp Idea

Florence, aged 4, demanded as her per-
quisite the wishbone Of every fowl brought
into the house One day she WINS carefully
arranging hol collection when her father
came into the room. "Fader, she said, look
ing up-"fader, is you dom TO diel" dWhy,
yes, Florence, we must all die some time he
said, touched by her earnest look "Fader,
when you does die, may l have your wish
bone1n-Rome Sentinel
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
DISAPPOINTMENT.

asked my love to row with me
Upon the moonlit lake;
And, far from shore, where none could see,
l tried kiss to take
She promptly boxed my ears, and so
We're on bad terms just now,
thought we'd have pleasant row
Instead, we had row.
Cambridge Chronicle
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09

JUST SPANK HER.
Mamma, didn't you say if this dolly got
broke, somebody'd have to be spanked. I" Yes,
did" "Well, dolly broke her head to-day.
Just spank her."-Chicago News.
FULL EXPLANATION
The polite child is the latest in the juvenile
world She was strolling around the neigh
borhood on tour of observation, when she
came across colored man sitting on a door
step She stood with her finger in her mouth
looking at him. Finally she said "You're a
colored man, amt your "You are very
polite little girl" he said "Yes, am col
ored man." "oh, yes; Pm very polite Icall
every nigger l see colored man. n"-San
Francisco Chronicle.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
Queer Wrinkles.

queer Nrlnkles.
NO COPY WANTED.
Office boy Ito editor)-There is man out
side who says that he has a bill he wants to
present. Editor-Say to him that his manu-
script is respectfully declined.
JUST her SIZE.
~ think l wear twos,n she simpered to the
shoemaker; 'do noti" Eyes, ma'am," said
the honest dealer, "you wear twosn Then,
under his breath, "One on each foot"
NEW AND FRESH.
Reporter Cooking for items)-Anything
new or fresh this morning in the railroad
linei Railroad official (thoughtfully)- HIM
let me see-yes, that paint you are leaning
against is new and fresh. 1t was only put on
this morning.
JUSTLY CELEBRATED.
"Do you know why we celebrate Washing
TONS Birthdays" asked Mr.. Hendricks of his
son Bobby; "why his birthday is honored
more than-than mine, for instance" "Oh,
yes" responded Bobby, promptly; "George
Washington never told lie"
THE TRIALS OF FARMING
II can't imagine what the trouble is with
that cow" said New Yorker, who is giving
his attention to amateur farming this season.
"She looks all right" commented neighbor.
eyes, she looks all right" agreed the New
Yorker, "but the doocid critter won't give
down her milk. When bought her a month
ago she gave twenty-four quarts day; pow
I'm lucky to get five. And it isn't because
she doesn't get miISed often enough" added
che puzzled amateur. "Not day passes ]
don't milk that cow half dozen times, at
least. New York Sun.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-10-09
A CASE OF PRE- -EMrrloN.
JUST SPANK HER.

"0h! amt you mean," said one 6-year old
10 the other. "You took the biggest cake 1
was Just going to take 1t myself. life.
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27
1sst sdi above. ok -5.S; same bus er
a ~ a4I... l... sn,l f. 10

ss1eof hulanr ana plot OF land on East ! u 81 W
S"'t n a, m Krosdway Was adjourned to May D.
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27
Eetiurcs dn0 Mee.ln1,.

-'->-r7--y---~
MFRiCAN INSTITUTE FARMERS CLUB.
y Regular meeting TODAY Tuesday. . ia iust AZ
30 m a IN luton Hall fstor Place Colonel
& BAlTt H. By Will deliver address The HOSE
hdnissIon rec DIR L. NJ HEAAM r.l' ,,.
h. ID. 6aIucn. Sec'y. fttsi-'h1
4 COURSE Of LECTURES on " FIRST Ald to
Y III Tnlnr VIII be given ladies' at the Room ~ tho
Associaton 10 beg n Thursday April ~ :. IA Terra
tar nve Iecture. App.y Id tie #, RfIAl.l'
~ ~ " No. 81 University Place,
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27
GiiEatinrs tDanie0-- N!ales.

IIOACuMAN and USEFUL-MAN.- - by q
y sfrcfv sober and honest Protestant ma thoroughly
nader, suds he business willing And oygInR' Ooo I1i
Address ..--. ,....-
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27
Brooklyn.
Gotclo.
Connlrp Doaro

GOOD BOARD can be had and best OF carr
Children and per-ons in healthY 10 Inn
tie Cat.kil Mountains from June or sooner OF
Mrs. B aMlI II. II ast ) Ia sL Ne" iOIA 'A',
I'AR ROCkAW Having taken COTTAGE
WHO willing To psy orrr.t-ca~s accom- ot tons nt
nearly new; tainutcs' wall ron D' -
same sance from furoau station Address NJ a. H. 100
IlisI-Ilace EroOf lYn.
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27

l,,,,7..,c es lot 2i2. GGxliO Burlington Manfs
Cot0 50 smith and another. / I li1.
fos-t III. II w Of l,fi-aNC .JXlOn.J Ai
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27

,I.st ms = II W Of 6;haye. 21XlAoll; Nenle
a Torn + and another 10 X KlaDcr an another
nj s. . II G. II Oth-aye. lsGlOO.J; hayes
New-York tribune., 1886-04-27
Gin Cropcr,n Go Get.

4 BUILDING 5000 five stories and base
mcn ccLcncd and 1orei rental law. ent free nniil
October on thrcc, nvo or tenyc4rs etse N arrange To
s ii, tenant a y H.. IT buhe once.
4 BUILDING 12OxlS. 3 stories and base
- mcnt. - WINDOWS. ta low rcp free uni OcoDer
o %. years lease; VIII Arrange 10 su tcn1nt
g.. b, Tribune ONlcc.
1 NUMBER OF Desirable Lofts to let near
~ water front. IN first cass Ori'r.
HOWARD Tribune Oice.
rE'O RENT.--Thc highly desirable four story,
I hirh.siO0p. br0wLsf0ne dwellings,
2gfast 81 st bef zee d.. ard - 1d. - aves.;
lO5l Mad son Nc near = iSi ST
III East .-O-st., near iarS-dVe.
ARNOLD, CONSTABLE q CO.. l9th-st and 5th ave
t-SrORY, high-Sto0p. Az West 22d-st.,
i l.5Oo; story h.g1sppp i25 Wcst H1thst ; loo.
Iarga dcu lie frame Ousc sey all inprOy, ncnts.
spleldi Loo alton 5000 \. CfOUQER ID West B'WAy.