Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1886-07-30

y
can scarcely dare to confess TO You the
strange and in"onr"iyabla reason which urges
me On chi> insane course.
lAm going to marry in order not to I've
-Iona
do not know how to tell it--how to make
nvscI understood. You will pity ne end
u will dcspisc me when you know in what
n wrctchcd state of mind am
de not want to he alone any more-at
night want to feel some brins near me,
close to mo, being that can speak, say some
thing no matter what.
want to hc able to rouse that being from
sleep, TO be able to ask that being any ques-
zion suddcnly-evcu Il stupid question, so
that can feel my dwelling is inhahtcd-so
chat ! can know thnt a mind is awake, that n
I-easoriug powcc is at wori; hat, if | sud
denly light reg candle / con see n human
face beside me -b,rau-c-bccause chow can
dare avuw my ehawca-because / am afraid
when I am by myself
OH you do not yet comprehend mo!
I am not afraid of any danger. If m,l
were to come in would kill him withu,'
,ihuddcr | have no fear of ghosts; | do ...
believe in the supernatural. ! am not afraid
Of the dead; ! believe in the total ami
hilatiou of every human being that passes
away
Then, Yes. Then. We'll! | am afraid
Of mvsolc / am afraid of being afraid;
sfral ut the mental Spasns that are driving
me mad; afraid of the horrible sense Of in
.,ompr, hca.inlo terror.
Lau5! ID YOU please 1t is hjeous; it is
jncurabic. / am afrail of the walls, of the
Iurniturp, Of familiar objects which seem to
,De to become animated with sort of ami
nal life Above all | am afraid Of the hor-
ribe confusion of my mind, the confusion of
my reason viii n goes from me, all bcfogged,
diSsipated 10y some mysterious and ineXplic-
able anguish
First, | feel n vague disquict that passes
into my mind and makes all my flesh creep,
look around me. Nothingl And | feel "A
need Of something OF what Something
ancomprchcn,ibe. Then | become afraid,
simply because | cannot comprehend my fear.
speak, am frightened by my own voice.
walk Thcn am frightened by the I'm
known which is behind the door, or behind
the curtain, or inside the arrnor, or under the
bed And nevertheless | know perfectly well
thcre is really nothing in any Of those places.
turn round suddenly because | am afraid
II what i, behind mo, although There is really
1Othing behind me, although know it,
[ become nervous: feel the scare growing
upon me: and lock myself into my room,
and burr myself in my bed, and hide myself
under my halc'o'hc~: and, covering there,
gathering myself up Ike ball, | shut my
aves in DISSERTATION, and thus remain for
seemingly infinite length of time, oppressed
Wv the Thought that my candle is still burn
my ON the little table beside the bed, and that
should really blow it out And dare not!
Is is not fi.htful to be in such a condi-
ton:
There was a time when | never felt this
way usad to 20 homo feeling perfectly
aim | went ont and came in without any
ching to trouble the serenity of my mind If
r Dal then been told what stupid and ter
.-ir3e di,,as, of fear Of incredible fear
would come upon me in after days. would
certainly have LAUGHED. ! used TO open the
1oors i'm Nh, dark with perfect confidence;
.is.d 10 make NV uroparations for going to
bed ouietlv. without even bolting myself in
and ] never thou-ht of getting up in the mid
die nf the NIGHT 10 see if all the entrances to
nv room were strongly secured
The troubl. began lat year in Singular
way.
Ii was in autumn. ON a certain damp even
ING. When NV housekceper had taken her
.5enarturo. after had dinod, asked lavsolf
What was going to do. For some time
-,yalkel M and down NV room felt myself
weary. unrea>onably depressed, incapable of
,loinG any work. lacking even the mental
force to read. A fine rain was mostening the
window MINES. I yyas melancholy. all per
neorel by one Of thos, causelesS attacks of
1asnoodorcv which make Won feel inclined 70
which mako u man want to talk to some
hodv ~, on,holv in order 70 shake Off the
vveioht of ones ow,, funcias.
felt lonesome Never before did NV dwell