Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-12-23
WIT AND HUMoR.

After all Adam was fortunate man.
Eve never observed to him: 20 for
| got TO tell you, mothers coming to pay
US visit next week. "-New HdDen
| NetCs.
healthy in this villagep" Excellent,
monsieur. excellent One can become
a centenarian here in a little while. ~
French Fun.
| LADY, can give you little more of
that clam chowder if you want it.
Tramp-Thank you, I've had all want
an besides you'll need what's left TO
wash the dishes with.--Lye.
Youthful observation-disclosures, aren't
Mr. Holmes and MIR. Lowell both absent
from the cityp Mammal believe they
are, dear. Y. B.-Well. can't | call my
trousers pants" just while they're
awayp-Lye.
There is not so very much difference
between New York Alderman and
tramp One walks the street wondering
where he will find bail, and the other
| where he can get something to eat :
Charleston Ne,cs
II notice that you call your fianeee
Mag. jogging. Is her name Margaret"
| mo, that is q contraction for Magnet
| Fangle." '.Is that her namep" mot
at all. call her that because she is so
attractive. IN T. Mail.
When the rumble of the explosion at
| Bayside reached the ears of West
chester lady. she exclaimed: Johns
been tryin' ter pass that bad quarter
again down ter Purdys. He hit the
road hard that time. Pack.
Riley-"Shpakin' of religun. me wife,
Mary Ann. is an infidel. Rafferty,
.'Shure an that's too bad. Why don't
| yez git divorce?" Riley--"On plat
grounds, RAFFERTY," Rafferty-"On the
grounds of infidelity, av coorse. -
| Rambler.
A young widow in mourning for her
| faithless spouse who died some weeks
before: Il am very unhappy, she
| sighed, when her friends came to con-
sole with her. "But then one consola-
ton remains. know where he passes
his nights. French Fun.
| Jawkin-That was rather sudden
| death of old Skinflint's. What was the
| matter with him? Hawkins Economy.
The two undertakers are running each
other, and funerals are away down in
| price. Old Skinflint never missed bar
gain it his life. -LoTeN Citizen
''Some men are very careless" re-
marked Dumley. Il went into cigar
store this morning and on the showcase
| lay change for So bill, which some
| customer had evidently forgotten" Il
say, Dumley," whispered Featherly,
.have you got it yetP"-NeIc York sun.
A young man found handbag at
| Tuscola, Ill. 1t contained $35, and be-
longed to widow in Atwood, and
| when the young man returned it she re-
warded him by marrying him the next
day. We hate to print this item. 1t is
such discourager to honesty in young
men.
He (who thinks he ought to say some
thing)-"Haw, by the by, have you
evan heard Miss Fitz-Morris play that
little thing you just playedP" She (hav-
| ing just finished her favorite nocturne)
Mo" He-"Haw, you ought to,
she plays it SO beautifully. -Hdrper's
Bazaar.
Stage-struck lady (anxiously) Isn't
the expression little sadP" Litho-
| graphic artist-''You vos going to daig
dot Migado on der road, amt itPH
Stage-struck lady = "Yes." Litho-
graphic artist-''Vell, dot pordraid will
pc yust like you in apout d'ree veeks."
-1td-Btts.
They were standing on the deck of
Cunarder that runs to the Hub. "And
what is that shining SOP" she asked.
THAT is the dome of the State-house.
was born right in its shadow" You
don't say? And this is really America.
then?" 30, dear no, this is Boston,"
--New HaUen Netos.
Algernon-I should like vewy much
to 60 for divine with you, old chap;
but cahn't do it; have to pwactice.
olphus-Gwacious! You are not
studying anything. are you? Algernon
No, deah boy; but pwactice an hour
day twying to learn to keep my eye
glass in my eye.-Rambter.
First fisherman-What's the matter,
old man, did you forget the lines and
baitP Second fisherman - Confound
my forgetfulness! Yes. First fisherman
You remembered the cards and flask,
it's to be hoped. Second fisherman
Yes. First fisherman-O, well. guess
we can manage somehow. -Itd-Btts
First dude-Aw, Charlie. have you
two hawves for one. don't you know?
Second dude (taking out his portemon-
naie)-Awv cawse, Fwed. First dude
-Aw, I'm deuced glawd, don't you
know. I'm the one, Charlie, awnd I'll
be beholden to you faw the loan awv
them, don't you know. - Washington
Critic.
"Mr. Featherly," said Bobby. ignor-
ing his mothers signal TO keep still,
''did you ever hear pa whistler" mo.
Bobby" laughed Featherly, Il never
have had that pleasure" "Well, you
will" went on Bobby. ."He told ma
that he lent you S. last night and that
he expected to whistle for it."-Neto
York San.
Eyes," said the father of the boy. II
want my son to learn the butcher bust
ness, and if you will give him job we
won't say anything about wages for six
months" DO you think he is fitted
for the business?" asked the butcher.
Fitted for the businessp Why, just
| look at those hands. They don't weigh
less than two pounds piece.-M Y
| Sun.
mo, George" she said, 81 cannot
marry you. Ishall always esteem you
as a friend, bnt cannot be your wife"
George hesitated. ''Clara." he said,
brokenly, twill you grant me one favor
before | go away forever" Eyes,
George" she replied, kindly. ''Wnat
is 1t" please put your refusal down
on paper. I'll feel safer" -Harper's
Bazaar
Artless little thing (proud of her
linguistic acquirements): Il do hope
you didn't catch what was saying just
now to Mrs. Simpson, Sig. Gavaeti.
We were talking scandal-in Italian.
had no idea you were SO close. Gould
you hearp" Sig. Gavanti: "Yes. !
could ere; but it is all alright. did
not know you were speakin' my lang
uage.
Professor-"That man across the
street is a remarkable thoughtful-look-
ing person. should say he would be
successful" Friend-"There is no
doubt about it, What is his business,
prayP" 20, he drives a dray, and is
Just thinking on n new plan for OBJ
structing street crossing or running
over some children. ~ Psttsburq Dis