Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-11-08
THE SHIRT OF NESSUS.

''To all healthy minds economy is a
pleasure" says George Eliot.
If that's so, mine is a case for the
Board of Health. Economy to me is a
painful necessity, entailing dozens of
petty shifts to keep up appearances.
Think of a descendant of the great
!Sans-Idee family being obliged to wear
false shirt-front on all but full-dress
occasions, because ruthless washer
woman turks behind every clean shirt
with her ''little billr' or cooking his
own breakfast over the gas!
That's where impecunious fat swells
have me cold. They can openly live on
crackers and call it Banning" while
my attenuated style of manly beauty
forDids the idea.
o! It's all very well to say 81, 200
year is enough for any bachelor, but l
am not taking points on that subject
You see, am on neither a tow-path nor
rail-splitting basis. l am ''Swell,
and, though none of my dear ''ten hum
dred'' suppose me catch, take
deuced good care they do not find out
Just how poor am, having my mail
sent to the office and seeing the fellows
at the club.
Consequently, being q good dancer
and something very special in the way
of small talk, seldom have to dine at
my own EXPENSE; when do, don't, to
be Irish.
The 21st of December found me alter
nately staring at myself in the green
looking-glass over my washstand, ours
ing the fate that made me poor, with
the tastes of nabob, and glancing
through my mail which had not had
time to read the day before.
All blue-coated requests for 'some-
thing on account dropped behind the
washstand, the only place the chamber
maid never examines | actually was
obliged TO hide my coSmetique pour le
Dloastache there, and then She had the
cheek to ask me IF wasn't goin' ter
have any more of that sweet smellin'
stuff that kept the hair so nice and
smooth.
Several stiff cards informed me that
by bestowing the pleasure of my COM
pany on very distinguished families at
different dates was secure of dinners
two weeks ahead. These | answered in
the affirmative with much stately con-
densation, on Tiffany's best society note
Isl per quire), while finishing my SIM
pie breakfast of bareback and coffee
And yet they say there are no Spartans
left!
The last note was crusher from
Pussy Blacksmith inviting me to
square party at the opera that evening.
Now. do come" she wrote. me
and you. Lollie Bates and Tommy
T.,
sick with the headache (the headache!
good CAD! what English) so we shan't
have to bother with no shaperun, praise
Betsy! Now, mind, if you slip out of
this party the way you've been doing to
all my others I'll take back all | said on
the stairs at the Tedcastles Tuesday.
Saber'
Sweet, refined creature and girl all
over, expecting me to remember an aft
er-supper Irritation. She could take
back all her twaddle and learn better
than No, she couldn't either, for,
you see, proposed taking the adorable
Pussy-bank-stock. grammar, and all
for rich and better, to have and to hold,
if could get her; and she was one of
those nagging girls that expected all
AAOA iOhoChoC W UC lcl1OW
heart, etc. So it was rather awkward
to have forgotten what she referred to-
Hang her!" growled, for it flashed
on me I'd have to take her some flow
ers, Jacks" at that, as she ''adored
their perfume, it was so elusively ex-
quisite." So it ought to be at 81 bud.
80 girls! girls!' / cried, "why exact
these scalps from your luckless friends?
You know bouquets are nuisance at
balls or opera, and the next morning
there is nothing left but two heavy
eyed fools"
One wondering, IF the girls noticed
she had nine bouquets?n
The other, "How the deuce he is to
pay his florists bill?''
Why not let US give you once winter
some solid token of our gratitude for the
plate of ice-cream and headache we get
at your germans, and have done with
it because well-bred girl will not
be indebted to her men friends for ex-
pensiye gifts"
Correct! of course, and vet my for
lists bill is running so far over $500 that
1 never expect 70 oveffake it, and have