Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-06-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

I
| broke into your room. and, after taking
1 positions in the corners, each pointed Il
pistol straight at your heart Now.
while this was taking place. where were
/ you?n Plaintiff-.O, | was simply no
where
Going widing to-day, AwthawP"
Nav. Got TO work, demmit.n so
sowY, deah boy. What is the-aw Job,
eh?" ''Maw's witten me lettaw and
Pve-aw-got to wead it befaw | can
make anothaw dwaft on haw Did you
evaw heah of such boah?" "Neyaw,
deah boy, nevaw, 49, opn Topics.
Uncle Jake Peter hears you pays
your spects to my darter. Now, eff you
means bizness, wot is your bizness?'
Peter-"Tse keepin' books for Dobson
a. Co. !" Uncle Jake--"Um! Ali Does
you keep 'cm in single or double entry.
Peter?" Peter Amt no SIGH fool
chile MS dat puts 'em in de safe down
cellah ebry night link I'd keep waly-
bles in de entry?"
MA, We'll have to cut Sue Fitzpercy,"
remarked Ethalinda De Wigs yester-
| day afternoon. ''Why so?p asked Mrs.
De Wigs. ''Why, You know she is get
ting her dresses made for her wedding.
| Well. she invited me to look at what she
called her travelling dress Travelling
dress indeed! Why, she ought to know
that the English term now is going
away dress. ''Yes, indeed; if she's
that vulgar we shall have to cut her,
certainly. Pittsburg Chronicle.
A young married lady, who moved
no the country from city home, con-
sidered keeping hens pleasant and
| profitable duty. As she became more
absorbed in the pursuit her enthusiasm
increased, and ''hens'' made favorite
subject of her thoughts and converse
ton. During one of her animated de-
scriptions of success friend inquired:
''Are your hens good hens?n 80, yes"
she replied, in Il delighted tone, ''they
haven't laid bad egg yet. - CdtskiU
| Mail.
A well-known ex-senator of stately
mier walked into downtown restau-
rant the other day, ordered certain
| dish, and partook of it, The next mo-
ment his features were despoiled by
frown. Calling the waiter. he asked,
Indignantly: ado you know what the
road scandal and this dish?n .'N-no,
sir" stammered the aifrighted waiter.
In icy tones the ex-statesman said: ''The
one is a frieassee of fraud; the other
fraud of fricassee. IN Y, Tribune.
A fable: An estimable old ground
hog, wishing to ascertain the opinions
of the neighbors about himself, had a
bogus congestive chill. and, falling on
the ground, pretended to be dead. He
was buried the following day, but
scratched his way out of the grave and
went in disguise to hear his own funeral
sermon preached. The discourse was
SO complimentary that the grounding
was pulled up with vanity, and, having
bought a cane and an eye-glass, he be-
came q dude Moral-This fable teaches
the danger of ilattery. Life.
'Let me tell You good little story
about young man down our way"
said a Brownville gentleman the other
day. 1.-The hero of the story is we'll
known citizen of Tecumseh He was
married not long ago and started on
Southern wedding trip. When the train
stopped at Topeka for dinner waiter
rushed out and began pounding a gong.
The young man from Tccumseh, think
ing it was intended for Il charivarj,
rushed up to him and exclaimed: Hold
on, there! How did you fellows down
here get on TO this racket! Stop her!
I'll set EN- up for the boys - Omaha
Bee
"Shoye the butter up toward the head
of the table, remarked one of the mill
- 7
do you know the difference" asked
the warrior who was thus unceremoni-
ously addressed as he leisurely complied
with the request, between the situation
in the Oricnt and that in East St.
Louisg' No. was the answer. why,
over there. Greece is pushing troops to
the front; here troops are pushing grease
to the 'front.' A court-martial decided
that he should be shot in the neck at
shutdown. Peoria Transcript.
Petroleum is the topic of the office,
drawing-room, and workshop, and Il
great part of our people think only of
oil, talk oil, and dream oil. Miss Jen-
ME Smith, the railroad evangelist, who
has been laboring here, when leaving
the other day, approached at the train
who was standing on the platform, took
him by the hand, rs is her custom, and
asked: Brother, how are you? Are
you on the rock or sand?" The Cap
tain absent-mindcdly but excitedly re-
piled. I'VE are two bits in the sand
and gushing like blazcs. y PfHSburg
Press.
An American relates that he WAS once
travelling in England, and he was stay
ing for a week ut a large country house.
which was, us usual at that season, full
of guests, invited, like himself 1t WAS
an old estate and had the usual display
of oaks, which are so handsome and
picturesque a feature of English country
parks. He was walking through tho
park one day with n naughty, aristo-
cratic lady Have you any trees in
American she suddenly asked him. He
was too much taken aback to speak for
a moment, and before he could reply
she broke in: 'Why, what a silly qnes-
ton have asked you! OF course YOU
, haven't any trees. The country isn't
old enough. San Francisco Chron-
icIc.
'Lancelot," asked Elaine. looking up
from the Eagle, chow do the strikers
kip an engine? can't understand it
at all. Easy as lying" replied Lance
lot, promptly. You just climb over the
tailboard into the cab, open the blow
off cock by lowering the connecting rods
until the crank-pin is level with the
cross-hcad of the fulcrum connections,
push in the brass throttle ratchet till it
reaches the crown sheet which lets the
water glasses fall into the fire box
go, now | see, /" she said, joyously, land
of course that puts out the fire. But
Lancelot, if | knew as much about en-
gines as you do, | wouldn't stand at the
ribbon counter another dav. I'd lust
90 out to where the strike IS. and be n
President of railroad myself" And
Laneelot kissed her and said he would.
inst rs soon as his new tennis suit came
home.-Brooklyp Eagle
Mutual Concession: There was a LARGE
attendance at Friday evenings PRAYER
meeting at the Blue Light Tabernacle.
After the exercises were over and the
benediction had been pronounced jim
Webster got up and addressed the pull
pit as follows: "Parson, does YOU know
dat dar am gwinter be a cullered sour
shum to Houston next Lords DayPn II
has heard so, Brudder Webster "Wen.
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