Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1886-09-25


other two are teaching school. She
is at home alone, gong around in a
treadmill life which will end in a
rosewood coffin and a first-class
country funeral"
| "Stop that, professor, will you 2"
| awhile yon are still a handsome
man, with just enough gray in your
whiskers to make you look interest
ling. No doubt you have been think.
ing of some nice young girls of eigh-
teen who would Jump at the chance
to marry your thirty cows and TWEEN
ty acres of hops" $500
Professor, I won't stay here if
you don't let up on that.D
sand your wife does not look well
in that new Watertown wagon, so
you take yonr hired man and neigh.
boris girls to meeting. Your wife
never goes anywhere, so you do not
get her watch like your own, nor
silk dress, nor pony that she could
drive, nor a basket ph@ton that she
could climb into without a ladder.
She never says anything, is always
quiet, so you have not got her set
of teeth like your own gold rubber,
and she has to gum it until her nose
is pushed up into her forehead, and
her face wrinkles like burned boot.
She never goes out, so she does not
dye her hair as you do yours, but it
looks like a milk weed pod gone to
seed. She has to work in the kitchen,
so she gets no nice toothpick shoes
like yours, but goes humping around
like sheep in dry goods box"
"Darn my skin if don't
"No you won't; you will just let
her work right along, and then you
will marry some high-fyer who will
pull every hair out of your head,
and serve you right, too"
Professor, for mercy's sake do
stop"
"When you know, and ] know,
that your wife had a chance to
rest, and had nice clothes like other
women, she would be one of the
handsomest women in the town."
| ~ swan l believe it,"
j "And old as she is, if you were to
get out the carriage next Sunday,
and drive around with the colts, and
tell her you wanted her to go to
meeting with you, she would actu-
ally blush with pleasure"
alarmed if I don't do it,"
.Then Monday, if you were to tell
her that you were going to hire a
girl, and that she must sit in the sit
tlng-room by the new nickle- placed
coal stove and work on that new
silk you are going to buy her"
| Professor, that's me-"
"And then hand her a nickle wal.
let with steel clasps, and with FIVE
nice twenty dollar notes in it, and
tell her to do her own trading after
this, because you have got tired
looking after so much money"
/ 81 will, as sure as I i've"
"And then when the tears start
in her eyes and the same old blush
comes out that you thought was so
nice when you went on the teeter to
Albany, if you would just kiss her"
"It's all right, professor"
"Then, my friend. would begin
to think she had made something by
marrying a rich man."
You're right, old man."
.Then think you would no Ion,
ger have a miserable wife. Then
you would no longer want to rent or
sell the farm, but would be showing
the mother of your children how
much you respected her for her life
of devotion. Then she wonld know
that she was a partner in that thirty
thousand dollars. Then, if you
made your will all right, and she
had a good rest, / think she would
sometime be an eligible widow"
"Think so professor"
~ know it. Woman is plant
that wants sunshine. You haYe
been leaving your wife in the shade
too much. She has lost her color.
. She has given up all hopes of admi-
ration aad love, and is only waiting
to die and get out ofthe way. Sup
pose you were treated so n
What, mes / am all right.n
, "Yes, / know. Women pity you
for you are tied to such sorrow.
, looking wife. Foolish old maids and
silly girls whisper behind your back
what nice-looking man you are,
and what stick of a wife you have,
and you are just soft enough to wear
tight boots, and oil what little hair
you have left on the top of your head
} and go around figuring up how long