The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1886-11-12
VOL. XXXI----NO. As.
VARIETIES.

Envy no man who knows more than
yourself, but pity those who know less.
"A dvining rod to discover woman's
real thoughts would have an immense SALE
The woman you can call poem is not
the woman you can call early in the morning
to get breakfast.
-Tom-"Say, Jack, where can get
good two-foot ruler" Jack-"Here" Tom
Thanks, hand it over" Jack--"Well,
don't wear tight Shoes"
An independent old lady, speaking of
Adam naming all the animals, said she didn't
think lie deserved any credit for naming the
pig-any one would know what to call him.
My DEAR" said a lady to her husband,
Kentucky sheriff, cant you make few calls
with me this afternoon ?" ooh, no, indeed"
he replied. "You forgot that Friday is my
busy day"
Maj Quiz (ex-C onfederate)-"Sa Pad
dy, were you at Bull Run ?" Paddy-"Oi was,
sur" Maj. Quiz-"And did you run ?" Pad
dy-"Faith, Oh did, sur; and all that didn't
run are there yet"
The Major (rocking Nelly on his knee
for Aunt Mary's sake)-"I suppose this is
what you like, Nelly| eyes, it's very nice.
But | rode on a real donkey yesterday-I
mean one with four legs, you know"
standing before clergyman who was
about to marry him. rustic was asked:
man started in surprise, and replied SAY,
surely Whoy kummed a puppus"
.-"Speaking of bathing" said Mrs. Par
tington, some can battle with perfect i'm
purity in water as cold as Greenlands lev
mountains and midas coral strands; but for
my part, l prefer to have the water a little
torpid"
Said a mother to her little son-"There
! our toes are out of your stockings again.
Seems to me they wear out in hurry" Civ
ing comical leer he said: do you know
why stockings wear out first at the toes Pr
No" Because toes wriggle, and heels
don't"
The superintendent approached youth
of color, who was present for the first time
in Sunday School and inquired his name, for
the purpose OF placing II on the roll. The
good man tried in vain to preserve his grav-
ity when the answer was returned. "Well,
massa calls me Cap'n, but my maiden name
is Moses"
Among the replies to an advertisement
OF commercial committee for "a candidate
as organist, musica-teacher," ETC., was the
following one; Gentlemen, notice your ad-
vertlsement for an organist and music
teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having
been both for several years, l offer you my
services"
After marriage: He-"Great heavens
There was never woman under the sun that
knew how to carry parasol without scratch
ing fellows eyes out" She-"And there
never was Il man that knew enough to walk
on the right side of a woman with a parasol."
He-"There isn't any right side to woman
with a parasol"
-Johnson-"Do you know young Jonesp"
"O'Kelly-"Yis, sir; know him."
Johnson-"Can person believe what he
says?"
Pat-"Faitb, an it's jist this way: Whin
he tells you the truth we can believe livery
word he says, but whin he lies to yez, We bet
Their have no confidence in him at all"
"A certain professor was recently deliver
ing lecture on electricity. In the course of
his lecture he explained certain electrical
machine. He said, Ladies' and Gentlemen,
this is the machine by which electricity can
be produced. This glass wheel is turned by
a crank" And he took hold of it and turn
ed it vigorously, The remark and the act
produced smile.
"A card of the Venus de Milo having been
bought for Christmas gift, and having,
after much discussion, been appropriately
placed, the family assembled to admire.
Among them was the darkey servant, who,
after testifyng her appreciation, turned to her
mistress to ask with an expression of earnest
curiosity: SIS that the fashion now-no
arms and no clo's?"
1t was the general opinion that Tam
MacSaunders was cracked. Notwithstand-
ing this, Tam managed to persuade lady
falr to become his bride and went to the min
lister to arrange matters. The reverend gen.
tleman shared the common notion respecting
Tam's mental capacity, and therefore proceed
ed with due caution in the matter. Among
other questions, the minister asked: "As
this is very important step you are about
to take, you ought to consult your parents
about it. Have you done SOP" "No, nae
fear ONE" said Tam; "they never consulted
me when they got marritp'
"A Paris journal tells the following story,
apropOs of the penalties of greatness, and how
one may occasionally avoid paying them. A
physician in Paris could not
show his nose out of doors without being
every minute accosted by some one.
"Ah, doctor, how glad am to see you. All
this morning l have felt-what do you sup
pose it can be?"
To such an extent was the poor man plagued
that he determined at all hazards to rid him
self of this torment. A few days since, in
very public place, he heard, as usual:
"Ah, doctor, how glad |" and so forth.
"Good gracious r he replied, "this is Sc
rious business. must see your tongue; put
it out, please"
And there, in the open street, the man
oheyed. The doctor studied it for short
time.
Every good, said he, at length "now shut
your eyes,"
Again the patient obeyed, whereupon the
doctor went on his way, leaving his tormen-
tor standing in this ridiculous position in
the midst of an amused crowd