The Irish standard., 1886-09-18
us ''a'SST DARD" BREVITIES.

The greatest rogue generally contrives
to get the most credit.
The beer kettle has no tongue, but it'f
called "growler" just the same. j.
A normal schoolmistress is like the
letter G, because she makes classes o1
lasses,
Perhaps if we had more big guns in
Congress we would have more in ou1
fortresses.
Modern girls are true labor-saving
notwithstanding all the labor by doing
nothing. #
We thought cigars were made to
smoke, but how is it SO much is said
about the cigarette?
A man who digs underground has evi-
IDENTIFY yaulting ambition, although he
does not look aloft.
A fat woman at dime museum may
not be sail WOOL but she is generally
So yard wide''-or more.
s'Hela by the Enemy'' is the name Of
new play. Whether it relates to the
case Of Cutting remains to be seen.
The tramp who WAS content that his
life should be linked with crime has
found strong chain round his leg.
"Going to the country for little
change, eh?'' s.Not much, my boy;
yon see, I'm going to leave little
change"
."rwelve inches make foot, but 81
foot does not make twelve inches, said
young lady looking down at her Pc
zlals.
The difference between the desire of a
sailor and that Of blind man is that
one wants. to 60 to seq and the other
wants to see to so.
There is great scarcity Of nickels in
California. There have been times
he minus their five senses,
s*Do you take kindly to menial ser
yice?' asked lady Of nurse girl.
ssWell, yes; but ! should prefer the hy-
1nenial,'' she answered.
A young lady being asked how she
could afford to take music lessons in
these hard times replied: ooh, I con-
fine myself to the low notes.
A politician in Kentucky recently at
tempted to shoot al editor who accused
him OF "being in the habit Of imparting
al unhealthy swelling to truth
Copper-toed fans are now sold for the
benefit of young ladies who have no one
to sove and who chew the sts1Aing out
OF an oraiaary fan in one evening.
An English physician has inaugurated
crusade against baby carriages. What's
baby going to do? Begin life on a
:.go-as-you-please'' walking match?
sMy son is q very promising young
man, My. Green" stI don't doubt it.
About two years ago he borrowed S. Of
me- and has been promising to pay it !
ever since.'' J
No excuse for poverty.-"I give you
nothing. Why don't you Jump off
Brooklyn bridge and get $100 a week in
q dime museum? You have no excuse
for beiug poor.
Pa" said young hopeful, II know
what mau who has seen better days
is.'' "Well, my son, what is hep Hes
man who makes you tired talking
about HIMSELF
At the sea shore-ttYes, I have seen
the day when Mr.. Rich, the millionaire,
did not have pair of shoes to cover his
feet land when was that, pray?" ''At
the time he was bathing
An Englisiman boasts Of having
photographed q thunder clap. Why
don't some American capture one and
let it explode in his theater? It would
surely bring down the house.
The BARRIERS in all Ohio town refuse
10 shave customers during thunder
storm, probably for fear the noise Of the
thunder will drawn their voices and
thus deprive them of the exercise OF
their ancient pferogative.
A gentleman complains that when he
enters church Sunday morning his
shoes squeak, and he wants to know
how the nuisance can be abateE. Easy
enough. Sunday morning put on 8
heavy pair Of boots and go fishing.
Somebody says that the odor of fresh
paint may be removed from room by
placing saucer Of ground coffee in the
apartment. Now we understand why it
is man generally chews ground coffee