Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-11-28
VANILLA JONES.
Writes again From the wiIds OF Missouri
of His Adventures on the Road and In the

! writes again FROM the "hus VI
of His Adventures on the Road and In the
Hotel.
IRoNToN, Mo-, November 24.-DEAR
REGISTER We live in an age of progress,
hotels with ten flights of stairs, and clothes
that don't fit us. We are quite Nation,
in this statement cOrrObOrate the surmises
of several other great men. Look at our
big Statue of Liberty with brass cheek,
look ut Senator Evarts' cheek. | tell you
gentle reader We are ahead OF the world IN
progress Compare the days that our
grand fathers lie about with these blessed
times, and our times will take the buckle,
berry every time. Ofcourse we cant lie about
'bar and deer and varmints' we killed,
but Just look at our fish stories and snake
stories, or knock them all out of time with
them, and they get bigger grander and
more gorgeous the more they are told,
And the march of intellect-there is
Franklin and Webster and they are all
uestu lOOh ~ Jul ulalSh VI AhVSiASN'
Kemple lin his march from Washington
MulhattOn, Ochletree and Perkins, and
they are alive, all alive and unfortunately
they are all in good health.
But that is not what we wanted to blow
about-we merely referred to the march OF
progress to explain how we got here.
We rode here in car not one of these
ordinary stock cars but in a baggage car
a bob tail passenger car with baggage room
in the other end and about ten seats in the
other. There were about eight passengers
and y bundles aboard. / sat on the wood
box and there was no lid on it. One old
lady entered the car and calamity offered
her nv wood box but she refused | could
see when her back was turned that she was
not fashiOnably enough dressed to risk her
| health on a wood box with no lid on 1T. |
see the imperative necessity of we sterner
sex adopting the Use of the patent elastic
spring hustle especially if we are forced to
ride on load of wood that has not been
planed or sand papered. Some dudes
wore cOrsets and why not the rest of us
wear bustleS? Ofcourse it would be hard
on the hustle but what does that matter
when our health is preserved and Our-our
clothes protected. 1t was very humilia-
ting trip for person of my classical mind.
Then at the depot told the hotel porter
wanted to 90 the hotel ut once. My coat
tail is not very long and | wanted to do
some tailoring rs suddenly rs possible.
The porter said ''The hack is full now just
wait moment and will get dray to
haul you up" did not expect to occupy
Il whole vehicle rs am not very proud my
self. registered and told the clerk that
would like my room rs soon rs possible as 1t
was quite chilly and 4 little more 80 about
the bust of my-my-clOthing. The clerk
called the boy and said "Mr. Jones wants
to retire, show him to the cellar or wood
shed" Some fool opened the door then
and gust of wind carried my valiSc off.
The bell boy and porter chased it around
the square and finally captured it and
brought it back in triumph. | cannot
imagine how that valiSe could be waited
about on the ZephyrS in that manner for
had Just purchased my winter clothingand
had packed them in it just that morning,
had two pair of socks, one pair was my
winter clothing and the other was strong
enough thought to hold dozen valiSeS
like that-at least nearly everybody who
handled my valise always insinuatcd to
that effect. stepped out to get Glove
for my tOOthache and when | rctured q
gentleman from Kentucky was in the Office
and had unfortunately got our valiSeS
mixed and unfortunately we all had cold
and we could not distinguish them by
Smeling--SO we drew cuts to see which
would open his supposed valise and settle
the doubt, they were both alike. The
Kentuckian drew the unlucky cut and
was obliged to open the valiSc. We took
it in 4 corner and opened it. 1t was his and
it contained two quarts of whisky two eel.
lulOid collars and neck tie and shirt
with Superabundance of tail and bob tailed
sleeves with lace around them. He eX'
planned the cause of his more than usual
abundance Of clothing by saying he was
going to st. Louis to meet his wife and
would be gone for about two weeks and he
thought he would take change of clothing
along. He told me cOntidentely that the
shirt that was Us long continued story
belonged TO his wife. just wondered
what in the thunder woman puts lace
around things like that for when
it is never seen except by the
wash woman. He also told that
women wore lace on other portions of their
subterranean clothing. What foolish Crea-
lures these women must be! | never did
pine much TO get married, hut now | yearn
to enter the married state. want to find
out why they put lace on their clothes
.
about the same TO me rs n man wearing a
breast min in the top Of a plug hat.
objected to the cellar for n sleeping
apartment and politely suggested that il
he had no better rooms | would be con-
tented with the bridal chamber. A prize
fighter happened to be in town and he
was occupying that He then wanted to
know how the kitchen table and horse
blanket would suit me. | also objected
to sleeping with the colOred porter on the
coal box, and, rs my indignation reused,
informed him that it was - of way
, to treat Dan Lamont, the Secretary of the
President Of the United States OF America
This brought him. | told him was try.
ing to travel in disguise, TO avoid brass
bands, and had assumed the name
OF Jones because il sounded strange and
odd like. promised to recommend him
rs u suitable person for postmaster. He
gave me a good room on the fourth floor
where could get good view of the city
by moonlight. 1t was we'll ventilated
two window lights being broken out. He
said if l could 60 some where and wait
about week he would have them put in
and have the ceiling whitewaShed The
bed was clad in mosquito bar. ] an
under the impression that mosquito bars
are not quite heavy enough for this season
of the year. put the mattress on The
floor, put on one pair of my winter cloth,
ing and crawled under the mattress, and
used the mosquito har for q night-shirt.
find that mosquito bars are much more
+ effective at this season of the year than il
the summer and fall. Not o single mos
quito bothered me. l slept sweetly, but
unfortunately inhaled one of the pillow,
in the night, which worked down into my
left lung. thought something was OF
my lungs, but did not know what
it was until l couShed it up
The fool porter came in in the morning
/ 4