News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-06-03
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
LITTLE HUMOROUS READING FOR
THE LEISURE HOURS.
AS English is SrOken-He Had Great Ex-
pectntiOHs-They Always COmc-A Good
StOry-A Few Minstrel EchOes-DOts and
DasiIes, ETC.. Etc.
MINSTREL ECHOES.

was In MS horoscope, uOn you KNOW,
and nothing could prevent it," "Well,
but Peters wasn't drowned he was run
over by the cars" ooh, pshaw you
forgot it was a milk train.
"Perhaps some of you gentlemen can
tell me what | can do to reduce the
size of my chickens, said -Sle interlo-
cator. after the beautiful ballad,
''Mother's Gone to Feed the~IL5ns,1 p had
been sung. You might cut off their
heads" suggested Bones. ."Oh, no, I
think too much of them for that. y
''Well, then, why don't you bantamg''
asked he of the tambourine!
Bones: 'Nlr. Johnson, suppose we
were in the blue room of the White
House and should pull down two of
the curtains, how much darker would it
be-" Interlocutor: Greatly, Bones,
can't tell. Well, how much darker
would it be in the blue room of the
White House if you should pull down
two of the curtains?" Bones: "Why,
two shades" Interlocutor: "That
beautiful song, 'We Amt Got Long to
Stay"
'Now, Mr.. johnson, you are we'll up
in mythology" eyes, sir, that's where
you can always find me. " eve have all
sorts of muses-the muse of poetry, the
muse of dancing, and so on. Now,
want to ask, for the information of all
present, whether there is any muse OF
darkness-of night2" ''WeIl, Mr..
Hendricks, mythologically speaking,
there is not. Cat -egorically speaking,
the night is full of news. ."-I3dbits.
A GOOD STORY.
''Let me tell you a good little story
about a young man down our way, y
said Brownville gentleman the other
day. 1.-The hero of the story is a we'll
known citizen of Tecumseh. He was
married not long ago and started
on a Southern wedding trip. When
the train stopped at Topeka for dinner
waiter rushed out and began pounding
gong. The young man from Tecum-
sch, thinking it was intend ed for a
charivari, rushed up to him and ex-
claimed, Hold on, there! How did
you fellows down here get on to this
racket Stop her! I'll set 'em up for
the boys. - Omaha Bee.
SHE SPOKE.
} sFnglish as she is spoke" did not
catch all the good things. One came to
pe in the restaurant at luncheon time
yesterday. Feeling throb in my sweet
tooth, | hailed waiter:
''Bring me a a'tmee-rangS" (Parisian. J
repeated the word, as. he looked
doubtful, and he went off and consulted
with his brethren. Then he came back ::
eve baint got none.n
Doubling him, wrote the troublous
Of Goc6 fa his lace as
said
s'Oh, yes. Why didn't you say, me
ringy. NinneapoLis Tribune.
THEY ALWAYS COME.
The manner of calling swine is as
varied as the number of States. The
Pennsylvania requests the presence of
his herd with ''Pig-Pig, Pig, Pig gle,
Pie-gie.'' The North CarOIinian hal
looes, "Pig-i, Pig-i," dwelling on the
''i'' each time. The Hoosier calls.
''Whoo-ee, whoo-e -ee, and his pigs come
on the jump from every direction. A
Buckeye farmer reasons with his big,
easy going, well fed porker, and coax.
ingly cries, $500, 500 500, 500, soo."
The Kentucky farmer causes the hills to
reverberate with his heavy bass voice,
.Poohe, Poohe." A Dakotian brings
his pigs with shrill whistle And thus
each State has its own peculiar manner
of calling the swine.
THE RULING PASSION.
Servant Ito woman at the door,
The mistress was took very sick last
night and can't see any one. Them's
my orders.
Woman-Yes. VIII you please say
that Miss S., the dressmaker, is at the
door
Servant (after brief absence)-Ye
are to walk up stairs, mum.
THE sIEsTA.
Manager-"And what do YOU say to
eight hours day, Alexis ?'
Alexis Eight hours, boss Great
lam. dat amt huff. You doin' have no
fur workin' man no how.
Eight hours amt huff" !"
Manager-"Well, I'm glad to hear
one man industrious enough to want to
do a full days work. I'm pleased with
yC Il, Alexis, and you may work eleven
hours day"
Alexis-"Hole on, boss! hole on l
disonderstand We. 1 didn' know it was
wuckin hours you was talkin' bout, [
twas restin' time after dinner. "
A HORSE OF ANOrHER COLOR.
Herr Windbag (saloonist)-Now I
dold ye, poys, you bring desc cabitalists
to dere knees, pretty soon, nit dem
poycotts.
Workman-We know it, Windbag.
We put it on Mulligan last week and
brought him to terms in jiffy.
'Mulligan, the prewer, you mean 2"
eyes. 5"
''But dat will raise de brice of peer.
All Himmel! dat was tyranny. =
Call.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
$50 your son is one of the jailers at
Sing Sing, is he?' 800
'.Yes."
THAT is not q very exhalted posi-
ton"
''May not be at present, but just think
of the high toned folks he will be
among when all the New York Alder
men get their desserts
81 hadn't thought of that. ."-Ieras
SJtings.
WOULD SWEAR.
Lawyer-Do you know the witness
who has just stepped down, Mr.. Robin
son?
Witness sir.
Lawyer-Do you think he would ever
tell an untruth?
Witness-Tell an untruthl Why,
that man would swear to New York
papers circulation affidavit. .-Pitts5e3g
Chronicle.
NOT SATISFIED.
Farmer-G vine to run a railroad
through my barn
Surveyor don't see how we can
avoid it.
Farmer-Waal, now, boss, reckon |
got suthin' to say about this; l got
an out to open the doors of that there
barn every time train goes through
Ha7per's Bagar.
FORETHoUGHT.
Rachel, my tear, pring you vine
engagement ring"
But, Isaac, it's bearl, und bearls
are onlucky, amt it,"
Don't say word, Rachel. l thought
of dot, und SO | take me an imitation
Won out OF stock "-RumJIer