davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
NYE MEETS AN INNOCENT
Who Talks Evolution With One Hand
aud Steals With the Other.

aud Steals With the Other.
Socrates never uttered a wiser or more per.
tinent maxim than this: "There is more than
one way to remove the cuticle of the cat"
was riding on the evening train, the other
day, my active brain keeping time to the
clinkety-olack of its. wheels over the rail
joints, the steady rumble of the train and
the wall of the whistle at the crossings, when
slender young man who had got aboard at
the station two miles back came in and took
seat by me. He rose again. went back
along the car with his eye on the other seats
until he saw deserted conductors slip stick
ing i'll the window sill He came back, sat
down by me, stuck the slip in his hat, and in
two minutes was sound asleep. The con-
ductor came in, glanced over the people and
took a fare here and there, but got over the
crowd without mailing the slumbering ycang
man with the pink slip in his hat. When he
had gone back the young man awoke with a
wild start, took drink from a cooler, and
sat down with me again. drew him into
conversation, and found that he had been
over the country good deal, but never in
the capacity of sweat producer He said
made him promise, ere he died, that he
would not die in that manner.
He assured me that he had kept the prom
Use he made to his dying father, and had thus
far escaped death from overwork.
He had travelled in many capacities and
had lectured also He had delivered series
of lectures on Darwinism, evolution, the
struggle for existence, and the survival of the
fittest But he had lost faith in it all, and
quit at last
1--WE cannot believe in the survival of the
fittest, said he, "for if we did we would soon
see the earth populated by tailors, and the
good tailors would survive the poor tailors,
being fittest to survive. In the struggle for
existence the strong butter would overtake
and destroy the weak, and thus we would
have at last only the strong; but such is not
the case. Look at the coffee we get at the
railroad eating houses. No, there are many
reasons why | am not a believer in any of
these theories" he said musingly, as he upset
his celluloid cuffs and buttoned them to the
lining of his coat sleeves. II have rummaged
around through the great free libraries of our
land. have read everything that 1 could
get hold of. 1 have studied the tracks of the
gigantic straddle bugs of prehistoric times.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

l have sought the fossils of dead and crystal
lized lizards of the steamy wet days when
trilobites had to wear rubber overcoats and
gigantic reptiles with cold, smooth tails
roamed around in the warm mud and wrote
their autographs in the ooze. l have pierced
under the great circus tent of the universe
and studied the menagerie of every cline,
but believe there is big gulf between the
balloon and the man. 1t is as wide to-day as
ever it was; no doubt as wide thousands of
years ago as it is to-day. That is why hope
that my parents did not chatter and squeak
at each other in bygone centuries If they
hung to the tropical vines and played circus
all the year round and wore nothing but sun
light am glad did not have to witness it.
If they cavorted through the forests of those
primeval days and went in swimming in vic
lation of the city ordinances, and remained
out late nights and roasted in the trees, am
glad that did not survive the sad sight.
"Nothing would pain an affectionate and
loving child like this Nothing would so
crush the pride of fond son as the spectacle
of his parents, old enough to know better,
yelping through the forests, turning hand
springs in the grass hanging from the droop-
ing boughs of outrageous trees and loafng
through the bright and blooming days of life,
like a consolidated aggregation of geological
wonders.
II am not what you might term newer
of wood or drawer of water, of course, yet
| am opposed to Incidence. do not care for
it. have had every inducement to become
indolent if would. but | would not. am
believer in a certain degree of progress in
each mans lifetime, and for that reason am
striving to acquire knowledge.
eyes, we ought to strive to do something,
no matter how unimportant it may be. |
have lectured on phrenology, Travelled with a
large educated bear for two years, at the
close of which time l fed him with my left
arm. 1 have sold glue to the vulgar herd,
soap to the masses, and to the young dark
red rubber balloons that collapsed in the
cleaning. | have seen mankind in every
light and shadow. l have tasted of life gin
gerly or gulped it down greedily until l see
how hollow it is. Oh, so hollow, so fiat, so
transparent, so false"
As he wrung my hand and went away at
the Union depot, there was a little crystal
tear trembling on his lashes, while the corners
of his mouth dropped and his chin quivered
He went away with my deepest sympathy
and Waterbury watch which was presented
to me by the government when | resigned
my position as postmaster at Laramie City
and allowed that corner of the great national
fabric to fall on other shoulders. l did not
value the watch, but how will | explain its
absence to my wife.-Bill Nye in Sunday
Mercury.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Look Ont for Him.

The season is now at hand when the pioneer
9S years of age gets up early in the morning,
tightens his belt by two notches, and walks
into the harvest field to show the boys how it
used to he done in olden times. After gazing
for few minutes with contempt at the
reaper and binder he picks up his old fash
Toned cradle and sails in to cut seven acres
before shutdown. Seven acres is his lightest
days work Take him the county over he'll
average about nine an he won't sweat hair
until afternoon. 1t will be all that three
binders can do to keep up with him, and now
and then he'll stop to turn back handspring
and lay some young fellow on the broad of
his back.
When the old pioneer has finished his nine
acres he comes up smiling, leads the crowd to
supper, and then challenges the best man to a
boxing match or foot face.
He appears regularly every harvest, and
this will be no exception He is never less
than 30, and seldom over %, and the state.
ment always follows that he has shaken
hands with every president since Washington,
and was a playmate Of the Indian chief,
Tecumseh.-Detrot Free Press.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
A Plea for the Enemy.

To succeed in the Salvation Army, man
should have a voice with bristles down its
back; voice that would scare old Satan into
st. Vitus' dance. While l do not indorse
Satan or any of his acts, believe that we
should give him chance. Satan has done a
good many things that were essentially
wrong, and there is general feeling against
him, and yet, badly as l hate him, and bit
terly as l would fight him on fair field, |
would not ask him to wake up suddenly, out
of sound sleep, and find himself surrounded
by Salvation Army To call an enemy out
of doors and kill him according to Cushings
manual is one thing, and to scare him into
hydrophobia is quite Gnother-Bill Nye.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Collins and the Cantain.

Presence of mind, even in small matters, is
a grand thing to possess. On one of the har-
Dor boats the passengers had crowded all on
one side, so much so that progress was i'm
peded. 1t was almost impossible to move
them, they were so numerous, so the captain
sung out, collins, you must get the crowd
on the other side" SAY, ay, sir" and imme-
diately on that side was heard the cry, "Man
overboardr' The crowd rushed over to see,
the boat righted, and the captain, with a
laugh, said, "Well done, Collins~-Boston
Letter
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
A sharks Mistake.

Don't you do no fooln' with a shark, y said
a Barnegat fisherman as he crowded tobacco
into his pipe for another smoke. Sharks is
an animal as knows moren You think for. A
couple of years ago took a party out after
weak fish in the yacht Mary. She belongs to
Capt Small, or did afore he died. We were
anchored up in Bay No. 8, and the fish were
biting like smoke, when all at once the school
left us | knowed that meant a shark and 1
looked around for him Purity soon he came
alongside, and up with pole and gave him
an awful jab in the back. You can't hurt a
sharks body very well, but his feelings are as
tender as child's. This fellow ran off a bit
and then cooked his eye at me and took good
long squint Then he ran around under the
stern to read the yachts name, and when he
went off he gave his tail firt which meant
that he would call around and make it pleas
ant for me some other time.
"Well, in the course of three or four days
Capt. Small got home and went out in the
Mary for sheepshead. He went up to No. 3
and cast anchor, and then sot down in his
usual position-his right leg hanging over
the port quarter and his foot jist touching the
water He hadn't been there ten minutes be-
fore along came shark and cut that leg off
below the knee as slick as a chopper could
have done it, The captain had Skeercely re-
allied his loss afore the fish came back with
the leg, give himself hist and twist, and
the bloody meat was flung back into the boat.
For why! Because the shark had discovered
that he had bit the wrong man. He was
after me, and he had got Small. He had
nothin' agin Small, and he cheerfully brought
back the leg when he discovered his mistake.
The captain he died of the bite, but not be-
fore had explained things and the last thing
he said was that he forgive the shark. DE
troit Free Press.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
STILL ANOTHER RUNAWAY.

Saturday about half past six o'clock,
a double team was seen flying down Colo
RADIO street. One horse was trailing n
broken bride and there was no one in the
buggy. The team broke loose from its
hitcl4ing while standing near Locke's
place, in extreme west Austin, and ran
thence due east, and turning down Colo
RADIO street was captured at the railro ad
track. No damage was done, and not a
single incident marked the passage Of the
swiftly moving frightened pair. The
owner recovered his team, and went on
his way rejoicing at his good luck.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Kind Advice to a Stranger.

A stranger arrived in western Kansas
town one day last week and inquired of the
owner Of vacant store what the rent would
be per month
"For what purpose" was asked.
"To open private bank"
"Cant have it at any price, sir" said the
owner. IL have rented it to three different
parties for that business, and in every in
stance, after the dcpositors had run em down
and brought 'em back to be lynched, crowd
attacked the building and damaged it $500
worth. My advice to you, sir, is to drop the
private banking business and open butcher
shop."-Wall Street News.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Enjoying Hotel LIE.

A great summer hotel near New York Is
tenanted 10y a solitary Waterman. Once in a
while the Waterman goes up to the desk, asks
If there are any letters, snubs himself follows
an imaginary bell boy up eight flights Of
stairs, brings himself very small pitcher Of
icewater and gives himself dollar bill, sits
down to large plate with an oyster cracker
on it, and feels that he is really away for the
summer. Boston Transcript.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Notices.

fear no fall"
For seamstress; "Be what you seem to
be-"
For a Wall street speculator: "God tempers
the wind TO the shorn lamb"
For messenger boy: "He who runs may
read"
For lover whose fance has a glass eye:
with all thy false eye love thee still"
For boy who wishes to hire out TO dime
museum 1.-TWO heads are better than one "
Life
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Solved at Last.

He stood for long time looking into the
display window of a gents furnishing store,
and by and by he gave himself sort of kick
and exclaimed
"Humph! Just like me-"
"What is it!' asked boy who came up.
"I'm fule!"
"For why"
"For because I've bin wonderful for two
years how teller got into one of these but
ton-behind shirts, and I've jist diskivered
that he don't have to turn around in it to
bring the busum to the front. Bub, you may
kick me nickel's !"-Detroit Free
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
He Might Have Passed Her Also.

An Albany lady wants divorce because
her husband couldn't pass civil service ex-
animation Apparently, she doesn't know
when she is well off. II he had passed the
examination he would have been SO stuck up
that he would have wanted a divorce from her.
The Ilvlge.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Expecting a Good Deal.

Waiter, here's button in the
soup.
Waiter-Button, sab, yes sab, guess OATS
all right, sab.
CustOmer-It's all right, of course, but l
thought perhaps buttonhole went with it.
Life
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

aThat's a fine brood of chickens you have,
Mrs. O'Brien," said Mrs. Merit, looking
through hole in the back fence.
Faith, num-" was the reply, they're
foine. to be shure; but Olive no luck at all at
all wild the burds. AL the young hins is
roosters-The Judge.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
Among the Innocent Changers.


"Tell me, my good woman, have you only
this one cow|
"That is all"
"How much milk does she give day"
"Ten quarts.
"And how much of it do you sell@
"Thirty every morning, monsieur. French
Joke.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
BUCKLBN,s ARNICA sALyE.

The best salve in the world for cuts,
bruises, sores, ulcers, saltrheum, fever
sores, letter, chapped hands, chilblains,
corns, and all skin eruptions, and posi-
lively cures piles, or no pay required. 1t
is guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction,
or money refunded. Price % cents per
box. For sale by Morley Bros.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

If afflicted with sore eyes, use DR.. Isaac
Thompson's eye water. Druggist 25cts.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
A LAWLESS LIFE.

Sometimes when think what lawless life
mine has been wonder that the respectable
outlaws with whom am most intimately as
ISOLATED in social, religious and political cir
cles have not elected me chief Of the band.
think nothing of defying those i'll authority;
| Sass" the president, scott at congress, bully
the legislature and transgress the laws of the
land daily. l drive across the bridge "faster
than walk" and openly sneeG at the s. fine
with which the signboard threatens me. L
have walked "on the grass" in Paramount
park; in Central park have "plucked leaf,
flower or shrub" | have stood on the front
platform" for many miles, / have talked to
the man at the wheel" have "got on and off
the cars while in notion" have Smoked
abaft this shaft" 1 have refused to keep
moving on Brooklyn bridge; | have ne
elected to clear the snow away from my side
walk, have dumped ashes into the alley at
early dawn, do not muzzle my dog, and last
year he was not registered; | do not always
turn to the right" when 1 am driving, | do
not always procure tickets before entering
the cars, | have not worked out my road tax
this year-why, can't begin to tell one-half
my lawless acts But one virtue even though
it may be considered negative one, l insert
here as a saving clause. 1 have never over
stated the value of my property to the asses
sor.-R. j. Burdette i'll Brooklyn Eagle.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

A big copperhead snake went wriggling
into house in Waynesburg, Pa, chased the
woman and her five daughters shrieking out
into the street, and held the fort till the man
came home There is nothing remarkable
about that. We have known a little mouse
not three inches long TO chase whole sewing
society out into u snowdrift.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

"What is higher than the rock of agesS"
shouted the Sunday school orator, and
Sarddonicus, who was sitting behind one,
answered, "a woman's summer hat"
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
st. Edwards College,

Under the direction of the Fathers of the
Holy Cross, is beautifully situated in q
most picturesque and healthy part of the
outskirts of Austin, three miles south of
the state capitol. The college offers to
young men every facility for thorough
education. The study of modern Ian
guages receives special attention. Studies
will be resumed Monday, September 6.
For catalogue and particulars apply to
REV. p. HURTH, C-S c.,
st. Edwards College, Austin, Texas.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16
CHAsEss
CHASEsS
BARLE Y
M a L 7
wET9Kx.

III in flavor mild and elegant in taste. 1t does
II contain one drop of impure oil. Being genuine
ia-ley Malt Whisky, it possesses much nutrlment,
thd is fine tonic for use in malaral sections. It
greatly prevents attacks Of Pneumonia: A splendid
ionic for weak lungs and feebleness. Most excellent
3, drinking and purest for home use.
Ell CHASE & Co. Distillers, Louisville, KY
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-09-16

A Newark girl has eloped with a wild In
dian. This remorseless, pitiless hatred with
which the easten people pursue the poor In
dian is something incomprehensible to the
people of the west. Out there they may, and
occasionally do, shoot an Indian, but they
don't believe in torturing him.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30

them are now trying by deceit and
fraud to carry their point. We are
assured on good authority that the
recent visit here of a prominent anti
Edmunds man from another county
was marked by the transfer of large
sum of money, by the aid of which to
carry out their uuderhanded schemes,
and that more money will be forth
coming if necessary. The plan is
understood to be to have ticket eX-
actly like the republican ticket except
that the name of wellknOwn anti
Edmunds man will be substituted for
that of Principal Bunker of Peacham.
Furthermore, the election of anti-Ed-
munds town representatives will be
forwarded in every possible way.
Forewarued is fore-armed; and no
republican should allow himself to be
deceived by such frauds. See that
the ticket you vote is the regular re-
publican ticket of the genuine stamp.
For town representative, take no
mans word for it, but vote only for
one whom you know to be trust
worthy Edmunds man.-CGtedO1llG
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30

edonia county, and soldiers, prob
ably from every town in this county.
There were also present veterans
from every one of the New England
states, except, possibly, Rhode ISL
and. There were some gatherings
of members present from different
regiments, of which there were over
80 from the 18th. The drum corps
was on hand and the thanks of the
association are due to the members
for martial music. Comrade O..
Dryer ran the boarding house and
all found good tables and good tleat-
ment The association NAV con-
graduate themselves on very sue
cessful gathering. We had hoped
and partly promised to publish
the roster of those present, but the
labor and time required, to say moth
ing about space, are such that we
hope to be excused from the task.
The thanks of the association are
extended to the Pass. r. r. manage
ment for the half-fare rates on the
railroad
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30

The prohibitionists beat us in New
York and yet l am a prohibitionist
and believe in the enforcement of the
law to the bitter end. Applause.
But say deliberately that some of the
prohibitory leaders are unblushlng,
impudent scoundrels, who are helped
by the democratic party. 1 said
some of the leaders. If 1 wanted to
name them / could do so. They
say the republican party is not doing
all it can do for temperance. Of
course there never was a church that
did all it could do for the promotion
Of religion. But do you organize
another church against that one? In
my own district the prohibltionists
have nominated man for congress
against Mr.. Dingley, the strictest
temperance man in the state, a man
who has devoted his nights and his
days to prohibition, and done more
for it than all the rest of the prohibi-
tionists together. And yet they have
nominated a man against him, and il
they draw off votes from him they
will elect-now / have got my foot
in it-a brother in-law of mine, DR.
Gordon. l know lie cares nothing
for prohibition and thinks it nui
sance. / am in favor of putting ;
plank into the national republican
platform in favor of prohibition.
am IN favor of the republican part,
shouldering prohibition, and / knos
that in time the party would conque
nnder that banner.-Senator Frye Q
Maine.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30

A. X. Cutting over whom the ma
tional broil has arisen, was taken be-
fore Judge Castenad's court again
Monday morning at Paso del Norte,
Mex, and the official minutes of the
chihuahua supreme court, reciting the
decree releasing him from further GUS
tody was read. The courts de-
cision is based entirely upon the fact
that Medina has waived his right to
a civil suit, the court holding that this
ends the proceedings of the state.
Cutting accepted his liberty and re-
quested copy of the courts decree
for his future use. This was prom
ised him. tbs said that the Mex
lean constitution, prohibiting the
residence of agitalors and other dan
gerOus characters in the republic
will be enforced against Cutting,
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30
MEETING OF THE VETERAN
ASSOCIATION.

The Orleans County Veteran AS
ISOLATION held it's second annual meet
ing on Tuesday, Wednesday and
Thursday of last week at Roaring
Brook Park ,asBarton. The commit
tee and others met the first day and
made arrangements for the more
public exercises of Wednesday and
Thursday. A committee, consisting
of comrades Dan. Skinner, John Bis
bee, H. B. Parkhurst and Homer
Bradley were appointed to draft
constitution. A very lively and in
teresting campfire was held at Quinn
by Post rooms on Tuesday evening,
quite large number attending. On
Wednesday a large attendance of
veterans were present. The fore
noon was spent chiefly in greetings
and visiting. In the afternoon the
various posts, including Mason Post
of Glover, Geo. G.. Meade Post of
Barton Landing, Baxter Post of
Newport. and Qulmby Post of Bar
ton, formed line and marched to
the gateway to pay respects to the
Rattery Post of Burke, which came
in quite large numbers. Major j.
Grout, one of the speakers of the af-
ternoon, was also complimented by a
turnout and salute. The stand
meeting at IL O'Clock was presided
over by G. w. Cate, vice president,
in the absence of president, Geo. w.
Bridgman. Comrade Skinner re-
ported, for the committee, consti-
tuition which was adopted. In the
afternoon large number met at the
pavilion seats and in the space in
front to listen to the speaking.
Major Grout began by expressing
his pleasure at the privilege of meet
lug so many veterans of the war, of
greeting old comrades, listening to
army "reminiscences and army tales.
He spoke of what it was to be a vet
eran in any good cause, especially in
the cause of war, when war was
right. Those before him were the
veterans of long and bloody war
That great struggle meant the eman
cipatlon of race and the overthrow
of slavery. The idea of veteran
suggests fraternity and brotherhood
that should endure and grow more
dear as the days go by,and the ranks
shall decrease by death. He spok'