Wessington Springs herald. (Wessington Springs, Aurora County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1891, 1886-01-22
WY AND HUNIOR.


palmed off as an 'Irish Watermelon
at a Fresno Gal fair.
After a terrible struggle u party of
men or q Western train succeeded in
disarming q lunatic, thereby saving
other lives. 1t was q close call,
though. Later advices show that the
lunatic was armed with all accordion.
There is a woman in Canton, China,
whose soles are so small that she can
stand on q silver dollar. That's moth
ing. We have seen men in this coun-
try whose souls are so small that they
can stand on 10 cents.-Binghamptom
Republican.
Said tho magistrate to an actress:
"Your profession, mademoiselle?"
"Artiste." your age?" "Twenty
two" ''Usher, you can now swear
the lady to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the TRUTH
Puv9s Figaro.
Customer Seating himself in u bar
having" BarberN"Ycs, san" Gus
tomer-"Feels a little like rain" Bar
ber-''Scuse me, sab, but de boss
doan 'low us to gage in conversation
durin' business houhs."
A-"Jane, bring me a bottle of Bur-
gundy." Baud me a bottle of
Erlauer." Gland me a bottle of
Ofener." DIANE, I'll take a bottle
of Voslauer." Jane burgundy,
Elauer, Ofener, Voslauer; right, gen
tlemen! Cat the bar)-Martin, four
pints red!
Near Austin; New, recently, the
Piute Indians killed a squaw and her
child because she could talk French.
If she talked French like the average
American French scholar, you couldn't
blame the Piutes for feeling aggrieved,
though possibly they were %unnecessa-
rily severe.-Boston Transcript.
"Can't you give me another pail to
put your milk IMP" said the milkman
to the girl the other morning. "Why,
what's the matter with that n you've
got in your handP" .'Why. it leaks.
l want one that's watertight." The
girl went to get one, but she thought
much as she Yonke2s States-
man.
A Buffalo woman's pet canary was
killed by a rat, SO she caught the de-
stroyer, put it in the cage and starved
it to death, rousing it up from time to
time, with u red-hot knitting-needle or
a squirt of vitriol. When, after six
days of agony, the rat was dead, she
wept because it could be tortured no
longer.
If all the letters of Carlyle and EN-
erson had been stolen, and not only
stolen but burned, a good deal of i'll
natured croaking and a vast amount
of metaphysical stuff of no practical
use to anybody would have been de-
stroyed, and the world would not have
lost anything of value.-New albany
(Ind. J Ledger.
"Remember those chickens you sold
me Saturday, Certainly" "Spring
chickens, weren't theyf" .tOf course.
What was the matter with them?"
20, nothing. The springs were all
there, only l wanted to tell you that
the next time l want a pair of rubber
springs. Wire springs are too much
for my blood. III CuM.
Ouray was never so gay: Butchers
all indicted; tin horns on the fly; edit
ors enjoying a weekly roundup; mar
ried men in the hills; Washers working
double shifts; parlor picnics oven
nights in the week; beer two-for-a-
quarter; moonlight strolls; pie three
times a day; and fifty-live tons of ore
per diem coming down from the hills.
Blessed ouray!-O nruy (Coz.> Solid
MulGoon.
Postmaster-''So you want a place
in the fast-delivery Department." APP
plicant-"Yes, sir. My delivery was
always pronounced not only fast, but
remarkably effective" Owe want an
effective delivery, Of course. Where
did you get your ~deliveryP" SIN the
box" 1.-THE box!' with a dazed air).
eyes. l pitched two years for the
Red Stocking -MHaaelphie Call.
Col. Bluegrass (of kentucky)-
What's the matter with that friend Of
yours you introduced me to this morn.
ing, Robinsonp Is he crazyP
Robinson-Crazy? Certainly not.
What makes you think he is crazy?
Col Bluegrass (earnestly)-I asked
him, after you left. if he wouldn't Join
me in a cocktail, and he replied:
Thanks, Colonel, but l haven't had
my breakfast yet" You mark my
words, he's crazy.-New York Times.
A white mar from away down South
in the Okeechobee Lake region came
up to Gainesville last week on. bust
ness at the United States Land-Ofice.
While here he saw the first ice he had
ever een He manifested great inter-
est in the frigid substance, and put a
%half-pound lump in his pants pocket to
take home to his family. He soon
took it out of his pocket, however, and
as he did so said: II am Altered it
will Spite my terbacker. -GaiaaeSviNe
(F7a.) News.
Anxious mother-"Edward, 1 wish
you would 60 upstairs and see Charles.
The poor boy is in great Distress"
Unfeeling father-''What ails hi,h?"
"Remorse. l forbade him to 90 fish
ing with the Simpson boys and he
went. He is very much grieved over
his disobedience and is really sick
and SO pale and weak?
eyes, / saw him as he came in and
crawled upstairs. Make yourselt
easy, nv dear. There is another name