Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-10-31
BILL NYE,
WRITES FROM AN IMITATION HOSIERY.


We are moving about over the country,
James WhitcOmb Riley and ], in the capa-
city of a moral and spectacular show. l
attend to the spectacular part of the bust
ness, That is more in my line.
lam writing this at an imitation hotel
where the roads fork. l will call it the
Fifth Avenue Hotel because the hotel at a
railroad junction is generally called the
Fifth Avenue, or the Gem City House, or
the Palace Hotel. l stopped at an inn
some wears since called the Palace, and l
can truly say that if it ever had been a
palace it was very much run down when l
visited it.
Just as the fond parent of a white-eyed,
two-legged freak of nature loves to name
his mentally-diluted son Napoleon, and for
the same reason that a prominent horse
owner in Illinois last year sOcked my name
on a tall, buckskin. colored colt that did
not resemble me, intellectually or physic-
ally, a colt that did not know enough TO 90
around a barbed-wire fence, but sought to
sift himself through it into an untimely
grave, so this man has named his sway
backed wigwam the Fifth Avenue Hotel.
1t is different from the Fifth avenue in
many ways. In the first place there is not
so much travel and business in its neigh
borhOod. As I said before, there is where
two railroads fork. In fact that is the
Leading industry here. The growth OF the
town is naturally slow, but it is a healthy
growth. There is nothing in the nature of
dangerous or wildcat speculation in the
advancement ofthis place, and while there
has been no noticeable or rapid advance in
the principal business, there has been no
falling off at all and these roads are fOrking
as much to-day as they did before tbs war,
while the same three men who were pres
ent for the first glad moment are still here
to witness its operation.
Sometimes a train is derailed, as the pa
pers call it, and two or three people have
to remain as we did all night. 1t is at such
a time that the Fifth Avenue Hotel is a
scene of great excitement. A large Goldfish
with a bright and sunny smile and his bO-
som full of rock salt, is tied in the creek to
freshen and fit himself for the responsible
position of floor manager of the Goldfish
ball.
A pile chambermaid, wearing a black
Jersey with large pores in it through which
she is gently percOlating, now CONSCIOUSLY
up the stairs to make the little post office
lOck-boX rooms look ten times worse than
they did before. She MARBLES 4 low re-
frain as she nimbly knocks loose the veneer
able dust of centuries and sets it atlOat
throughout the rooms. All is hustle about
the house.
Especially the chambermaid.
We were put in the guests chamber
here. 1t has two atrophied beds made up
of pains and counterpanes.
The last remark conveys to the reader
the presence of a lightjOyous feeling which
is wholly assumed on my part.
The door of our room is full holes where
locks have been wrenched off in order to
let the coroner in. Last night l could
imagine that l was i'll the act OF meeting
personally, the famous people who have
tried to sleep here and who mOaned
through the night and who died while
waiting for the dawn.
have no doubt in the world but there
is quite 4 gOOd-sized delegation from this
hotel of guests who hesitated about com
hitting Snicide, because they feared to
tread the red-hOt sidewalks Of perdition,
but who became desperate at last and re-
solved to take their chances, and they have
never had any cause to regret it.
We washed our hands on dOOrknOb soap
wiped them on Il slippery elm court plaster
that made quite 4 reputation for itself un-
der the nom de plumeof Towel, tried to
warm ourselves ut a pocket inkstand stove,
that gave out heat like a dark lantern and
had a dcfOrmed elbow at the back of it.
The chambermaid is very versatile, and
waits on the table while not engaged in
agitating the OverwOrkcd mattresses anC
puny pillows upstairs. In this way she
imparts the odOr of fried pork to the pillow
eases and kerosene to the pie.
She has n wild, nervous and apprehen
sivc look in her eye as though she feared
some herculean guest might seize her in hi:
great strong arms and bear her away to
Justice of the peace and marry her. Sht
: certainly cannot fully realize how thor
Oughly secure she is from such n calamity
; She is lust as safe as she was forty year
ago, when she promised her aged mother
that she would never elOpe with any one
Still, she is SOciable Mt times and con
verses freely with me at table, as she lean
over my shoulder, pensively brushing tn,
| crumbs into my lap with n general utility
l towel, which accompanies her IN her var
iouS rambles through the house, and shr
I asks which we would rather haye-''tea o
eggS?'
! This afternoon we will pay our bill, IL
D accordance with a lifelong custom of ours
and go away to permeate the busy haunt
of men. 1t will be sad to tear Ourselve
+, away from the Fifth Avenue Hotel at thr
I place; still, there is no great loss withou
some small pain. and at our next hotel W
may not have to chop our own wood ant
> bring it up stairs when we want to rest
The landlord of a hotel who goes away TO
Z political meeting and leaves his guests t
chop their own wood, and then charge
them full price for the rent of a boisterOu
and tempest-toSsed bed, will never endea
himself to those with whom he is throw
I in contact.
We leave at go this afternoon, hOpin
= that the two railroads may continue I
d fork Just the same as though we had re
: manned. IBILL NYE.
NEW MARTINSVILLE.
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