The sun. [volume] (Morris, Stevens County, Minn.) 1882-1895, 1886-04-08
COUNTRY CHURCH FAIRS.
How the Unsophisticated Man Is
Made to Feel Cheap--An Incl
dent Described.

How the UnsOph1Stlcated Man Is
Made to Feel Cheap--An Incl
dent Described.
C;ty-bred people think that country
church fairs consist of nothing but pin
cushions and grab-bags. This is
wrong. At the orthodox country
church fair you pay first for admission.
This is never less than 10 cents, and
sometimes it is half a dollar. OF course,
you take your family with you. If you
went alone you might not spend all
your money, and that would cause gos-
sip. Usually the first person who
meets you after you have effected an
entrance is deacon, who explains that
the proceeds of the fair will go toward
building wing on the northeast cor
ner of the church. You sail in and
plank down So for what seems to be a
very valuable pincushion. Your wife
has her head and shoulders buried in a
grab-bag. You rescue her. and proud
ly display your cushion. She calls you
a nlnny-hammer,-w whatever that is,-
and says the cushion was her contribu-
ton to the fair, and that it was made
out of an old pair of your trousers and
a peck of sawdust. You rally after a
while and dive into grab bag at 10
cents dive. You grope around care
fully. You feel hundreds of little bun
dies, but you want something big, and
hnally corner square package that
gives promise of being valuable and
rare. You drag it forth with the clutch
OF hero You are not ashamed to
open it right there. You do open it
and come to pasteboard box. You
open this, and a pint of common, vul-
gar white beans rattle on the floor.
The other pint you hang on to, for tit
OF desperation seizes you as the horri-
BILE thought comes up that you will
need something to eat before long if
this thing continues. But the tip-top
round of excitement is reached when
the deacon above referred to climbs up
on an empty flour barrel and displays
what he says is a watch. He tells YOU
with the air of a father on the point of
bestowlng penny on good child that
he is going to sell the watch, and as
sures you that all the wealth congrega-
ted there wouldn'j be half enough, Or
dinarily, to buy the handspring Of such
watch. Mr.. Smith, who has an un-
pleasant habit of making sarcastic re-
marks about your financial condition,
is there. He looks around with the
air OF cOnqucror, and makes
you anxious to take him down
peg. A scattering fire of bids arises
on every side, until the deacon is bawl-
ing out for somebody to 60 better than
So. You 60 it 25 cents better. Smith
says 81. You jump on top of $5, and
then pause with bated breath. Smith
goes you 81 better. You feel like drop
ping out now, but your wife is there
with fire in her eye. She nudges you
and says 81. Smith piles another one
on top of this. You can't draw out now.
Every eye in the fair is upon you, and
you dig your toes and say $40, in
choking voice. A death-like silence
ensues, during which you wonder
whether you can raise another mortgage
on that little house of yours. The dea-
cons voice breaks the silence. He
clamors loudly for just one more dollar.
Smith smiles contemptuously, and says,
in an audible voice, that, as the watch
was his contribution, and that it only
cost $3.50, he guesses he will not bid
any more. My, how sorrowful you feel!
Instead of covering yourself with glory,
everybody laughs at you.
At fair gotten up by several avari-
cious church members in most re-
markably romantic spot on Staten is
land few years ago, number of new
and entirely original methods of obtain
ing money were indulged in. 1t was
claimed afterward that every cent col
lected by the members was collected by
false representations; that every game
played in the fair was confidence
game and that the world would soon be
entirely envelopedin sin and corruption.
The only untruthful portion of this
statement was the concluding one. The
prettiest girl in the place helped to
make the fair successor failure,
whichever it was considered. She was
dressed in her Sunday 'sgownd'' and
placed on little dais covered with
violent red carpet. A sign near by said
that anybody with 25 cents and sutfi-
cient alteration for the sex could kiss
the girl. A great many homely old
men-the handsome young ones could
kiss her any night in the week without
paying a cent-took advantage of part
Of the opportunity-the 25-cent part.
The way the thing worked was like
this: The man would drop his quarter
in tin box, blush until the blood began
coagulating in his face, and then stretch
out his arm shyly. The girl would
utter timid little scream and then
ducking her head forward. would quick
ly withdraw it again. saying, "Oh!" in
frightened way and look beseechingly
around. If the customer was quick
enough he could plant kiss on her ear,
but few succeeded in doing even this,
and one old man bought So worth of
chances without getting what he paid
for. But Notwithstanding the fraud
that laid around the fair, deeper and
denser than the last fall of snow, the
fair was declared grand success by the
church members. and a steeple with a
big-voiced bell was added to the church
immediately.-New York Mail and En-
press.
A Genuine Chicago Divorce.