Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-09-16
WIT AND HuMoR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Eggs very frequently hatch ont cocks
but 1t has been reserved for the Rhode
Island one of the porcelain variety to
hatch out cocktails. = Minneapolis Tri-
bane.
"Bobby, did you thank Mr.. Featherly
for giving you the pennyP' inquired his
mother. Eyes, ma am.' ..What did
you sayp' Il said encore. ''-Ne,o
York Times.
No, my son, they are not called GRASS.
widows because they are so green; it's
because they are so fresh. And then,
beside, she's not exactly in the moved.
Savvy, sonp-- Burdctte.
An exchange speaks OF corset which
stayed the force of bullet and Tins
saved young lady's life. This settles
the question of whalebone. for hereafter
the corset stays = 1c1as SJtinqs.
Visiting clergyman in Indian Nation
Are all these Indians Christians?''
Irish waiter-"No, sur not wan of
them; some is Comanches, an some Is
Eplscopalians - Icras sttttngs.
A little girl lately wrote TO her friend.
Yesterday little baby sister arrived,
and papa is on II journey. 1t was but
piece OF luck that mamma was at home
to take care of it. PHILADELPHIA CaH.
won't you sing, Mrs. Moneybagsp"
Il have not sung since | was married"
''But you were a perfect nightingale be-
fore. ''Nightingales do not sing after
they have made their nests. - Tom
Topics.
We beg TO suggest to the poets and
novel writers that it is foolish to repre-
sent the sun as kissing so many lakes.
rivers, mountains, and the like in Il land
where pretty girls are so plentiful as
they are in America. -Burtlngton Free
Press.
A lady recently sought to instruct her
little grandchild in relation 10 the pro
vident care of Heaven. '.Who Gives
you your daily bread?" asked 9 She.
bod, replied the child, but Uncle
John puts the butter and sugar on
Hartford Times.
Somebody says that the odor of fresh
paint may be removed from a room by
placing Il saucer of ground coffee in the
apartment. Now we understand why
It is man generally chews ground col.
fec when he is painting the town red
Rochtand (Ne.) Courier.
A citizen was basting an Anarchist
from stem to gudgeon, when his friend
interrupted "Will yon take thatg" he
said TO the Anarchist. Take it," con
tinued the citizen; .'of course he will
take it. An Anarchist will take any
thing except a bath. - Washington
Critic.
In the Police Court: Accused, YOU
are charged with having permitted
games of chance to be PLAYED in vour
establishment Games of chaneei |
must protest, your Honor. against such
charge. Why, there is not gentle
man there who does not cheatr' French
Joke.
Fair Traveller What does this meanp
The expressman says he can't find my
trunk. Here is the check for it, Bag
gageman 1.-The trouble is ma'am that
you changed cars too often. The check
and part of the handle has arrived. but
the other pieces haven't got along vet"
Omaha World.
A gentleman who imagined he re-
cognized lady friend advanced cor
daily and addressed her. Il beg your
pardon, he said, 'but isn't this Miss
Greenleaf?" mo, SIR replied the
lady; my name is Redpath,'' "Ah,
excuse mel | must be color blind. -
Boston AdUertiSer.
AT an entertainment given to the
Maine Press Association at Bar Harbor
last week young lady pianist played
THE Thunderstorm in so realistic
manner that Editor Owens of Augusta
accused Portland newspaper man of
going into the hall and stealing his UNI.
brella, - Cape A,an Breeze.
A little fellow between ana 4 wears
of age, living in town. was asked what
his Kitty did in fight between her and
n dog. well sand he, "she bumped
up her back as high as she could; she
made her tail as big rs she could. and
then she blew her nose in his face. -
BrunSwtck (Me.) Telegraph.
Buttons Letter, sir. Bearer wants
answer. Mr.. Bumptious Bloward
(who has ''got on -"Don't speak like
that you dreadful boy! You never hear
me say a answer. Buttons-"No,
sir; you puts haitch in, sir. faint
your fault, sir; there weren't no school
board when you was boy, sir. Sack
ed. )-LondoD Fun.
The anti-slang movement in our state
is winning many adherents. The
scheme involves n forfeiture of five cents
for every slang word INDUCED in, the
proceeds going toward some missionary
fund. There is nothing that win knock
slang silly so quick as having to chip a.
nickel every time one toots his horn
RockLand Courier Gazette
The Earl of Carnarvon ut banquet,
in proposing the health of the clergy,
said that sin these days clergymcn
were expected to have the wisdom and
learning of Jeremy Taylor His
Lordship was next day reported to have
said: ''In these days clergymen were
expected to have the wisdom and learn.
ing OF journeyman tailor"
Bagley-"Just one moment De
Excuse me; | am in bit of
hurry. expect my wife home from
Atlantic City to-day ''And you are
going to meet herP'' mo; I'm going
home. Haven't seen the house since
she left, and want to brush the cob
webs from the front door. You see,
dated all my letters AT Home. Phil
adelphia Call.
"Billy Jones struck great snap"
said man to an acquaintance. alas
he, indeedP" was the reply "Wel,
I'm mighty glad to hear it. Billy is a
tirst-class, Woodworking young fellow,
and deserves a good thing. How did
he run across itP'' ''Why he monkeyed
with turtle in front of restaurant"
They don't even drink with each other
Merchant 1rdreler.
Coroner-"You say that the woman
suddenly left your hack and threw her
self over the bridge-railmg?1 Hickman
Yes, sir; and put in whole hour
looking for her before any one came.n
Your humanity was commendable,
MIR. johnson, particularly as she was
total stranger" "Well, sir, | was ma.
turally anxious to find her, as she
hadn't paid her fare. " PHILADELPHIA
Call.
YES" said traveller, 81 went down
the Mississippi once from Davenport to
New Orleans, and found the trip most
delightful" II made the same trip
few years ago" remarked another