The Sunday tatler and Jersey City express. (Jersey City, N.J.) 1883-1886, 1886-01-31
Now Would 4 Balloon Do :

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has been so frequently and 50 frantically
discussed, has led to such fierce con-
gtroversies and has produced SO much dis
.sension among cur fellow citizens. that
he must be acclaimed benefactor of his
species who shall devise some satisfactory
method of forever settling and disposing
of it. With this conviction In our minds,
and after every one else has ANONYMOUSLY
failed to solve the problem, let us proceed
to grapple with it.
For the sake of argument, we may
assume that ii is desirable that there should
be some safe and expeditions way of GET
ting from enc side of the Gap to the
other side, at Washington street. And
we think it may be unanimously resolved
that the oue-man ferry Of Mr.. Mills or
Captain Conroy or other local Charons
does not supply the requirements of the
case. How, then, is our object to be ac-
complished. Some well-meaning people
have suggested a bridge. and they seem TO
be extremely proud Of themselves for hav-
ing devised this plan. But really there
is nothing 50 great about it. The use of
bridges for spanning waterways, whether
natural or artificial is quite ancient and
every scbo0l-boy remembers the head
ache he got from translating Caesars ac-
count of the bridge he built over the
Rhine. So that it will be seen that the
bridge scheme is utterly antique and COM
monplace and painfully devoid of any
semblance of ingenuity. Any cowboy
might have thought of it. No real poet
or speculative philosopher would have
thought of it. And it is altogether too old
fashioned for the progressive spirit of
American freemen. We write these lines
reluctantly aud only from stern and un-
relenting sense of duty. For we know
that some of our most revered local oracles
favor the bridge project. DR. Quimby
for instance, is its prime champion and
we understand that the phllanthropic and
munifcent Mr., Martin Ward has shed
upon it the benson of his personal APP
proyal. For these gentlemen and their
opinions we entertain all the respect to
which they are entitled. But in this mat
ter we feel that they are mistaken. There is
one part of their plan that must commend
Itself to every taxpayer and patriot.
They propose that Mr. .Matthiessen shall
pay for the construction of the bridge.
The idea, it must be admitted, is quite
large and enterprising. The only i'm
provement upon it that occurs to us
would be to make Mr.. Matthiessen give q
new silver dollar to every man who should
cross the bridge. Thus the exercise Of
walking, always conducive to health,
might be converted into an easy means Of
gaining livelihood, and any tramp who
had the use Of his legs might confidently
look forward to an old age of comfort
and affluence. We commend this amend
ment to DR.. Quimby's consideration. He
cannot too soon hire hall and deliver a
lecture upon the advantages of it, and
Mr.. Ward might sing hymn on the oc-
casion by way of making the entertain
ment complete. No; don't thank us,
.Doctorl Don't mention it, Martin! When
we like man, we like him, and we
can't do toomuch to help him along.
But let us return to our subject. As
we remarked, the bridge scheme is alto
gether too common and vulgar. What
we desire, what the people demand is
something novel and startling. To meet
this want some amiable idiot has suggest
ed the boring of tunnel under the Gap.
We say advisedly that the author of this
scheme must be an idiot, for nobody but
an idiot would make such tunnel extend
from Essex or Morris street on one side to
johnson avenue on the other side of the
waterway. Ii he had any sense at all he
would have made his tunnel enterl the
earth up in Union Hill and brought it out
again to the surface at Sandy Hook. No
body but person of unsound mind would
build such small, childish, trivial, insig-
nificant tunnel as this man has designed.
If we're going to have any kind of tun-
mel, let'us by all means have good sized,
full-grown, able-bodied tunnel. But in
iustice 70 this nroiect We must mt forgot
70 saw that Il nossaases ,,,e !. No 1;ts,al
and unio,e feature e merit that the
bridge eniovs Its inventor and his a;sers
and ahbetors insist thar M Mattb;esse,,
shall nav for the building Il the tunnel
It's cost Is estimated at : tr;t,e of 1900 f,ofl
That Mr. Mattbiessen sbould object 10
paving this apount IS simply Incredible
NE would. we feel assured only be too
happy to raise tbe needed funds even if
40 do so he would have to sell his factory
and support himself for the remainder Of
his days by whiafline nonuIar melodies
on the stage Of VOLTS or doing agrand