Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-11-11


Washington Critic.
A contemporary says: 1--WE con-
sumed much more pig-lron the first six
months OF this year than during the
corresponding period of last year. -
Better move back to the old boarding
house.-Ne,U HaUen Neaos.
."Why, yes" said Blobson, speaking
of a logical conclusion to Mrs. Popin.
jay, and rather allowing his earnestness
to get the better of MIN, tits perfectly
plain to meas plain as you are. -
harrington Free Press.
Citizen TO farmeD-How are things
out your way, Mr.. Hayseed? MIR. Hay
seed (gloomily) They couldn't be
much wuss. My wife and three cows
are down with pleuro-pneumonia. |
refused a hundred dollars apiece for 'em
only last week. life.
Chief of Police .You want a place
in the detective department." Appli-
cant-"Ycs, Sir. | am willing to under
take" Chief of Polce-"You can
90 Our bureau is full of undertakers.
| am looking for detectives who can
overtakc. "-ihitadelphta Call
Constance (sentimentally, viewing
ruins of an old milD There is always 4
touch of pathos to ME. Clarence, in in
completeness; that crumbling wall, the
broken wheel, shattered life
Clarence, gloomily (thinking of last
night -Or bob-tail flush.-N Y San.
Two young women were gazing in a
shop window. Said one, s'Isn't it n
love of bonnet! I'm tempted to buy
it, even if it is expensive" Said the
other, mo, don't you do it; you are too
excited now. You would be sure to re-
greet it tomorrow morning. IN Y san.
At the office of physician in the Rue
Notre Dame: Patient-'Can you tell
me when will | be sure to find the doc
tor alone? Scrvant-"You would do
well to come during his hours of con-
sultation, monsieur, between and 4.
He is always alone then. y French
Fan.
Professionalism you have good
soht of time at the Vanderslce's Lite
waite? Litewate-Beastly, WEAKLY.
Featherstone-That's vewy odd. Why,
they say wine flowed like water all the
evening. Litewatc-Ya-as. that was it,
you know-too much like watah.-
Rambler.
''Maria, wish you would keep still,
said Brown, trying to write. Your
tongue is like 'Tennyson's Brook. it
goes on forever" Hump" answered
Mrs. B., Indignantly. II suppose
you think that's joke" "Well,
MT fN.. If ~ Mar
York San.
Mrs. De Crashvlle (to her husband
who is going to the city)-Don't forget
the florist, desr-and Tiffany-and
that little package at Arnold's, and
let's see, there was something cisco,
run in on my lawyer, won't you, and
see how the divorce proceedings are
coming on! It'd Bits.
Landlord Your rent has been due
for six weeks. Tenant know it.
Landlord-Can't you pay it to-day
Tenant-No. Landlord-Why not?
Tenant-See here, l don't want to be
bothered in this wav. Landlord-But
| want my rent. Tenant Indignantly
Sooner than pay that rent I'll move.
lid Bits.
George" she murmurcd fondly, do
you believe in supporting monopoly"
mo, dear, don't. believe in helping
g monopoly along just as little as |
can. But why do you ask?'' 30,
don't know, only thought maybe if
you didn't you would have turned down
the gas" George turned. -NeV Haven
NeuS.
Minister Gin grocery store)-I am
pleased to see, MIR. Suqarsand, that
motto on the wall, Honesty is the best
policy" 1t will pay you from a bust
ness point of view. to say nothing of
anything else. Mr.. Sugarsand (hope-
fully)-I hope so, sir, but haven't tried
it long enough yet to make fair test
of it.-N Y. San.
Bagley-Ah, De Baggs! where art
thou going with the hobby-horseP De
Baggs-'Tis for little Jimmy, my young
est sprout Bagley (sagely)-Its costly
business to have children. De Bags
(gloomily)-I should say so. Every
time start out to buy a 50-cent toy |
meet somebody | know and then away
goes dollar or two for cigars and
eer.--FhHd0etphtd eau.
Smith-"Say, didn't you tell me that
young Jones was a good bookkeeper?'
Fogg- why, yes. / believe did. "
Smith-''Well, he amt; he can't tell an
inventory from n flexible roller" Fogg
-"All | know is, that | loaned him
about half of my library and he has
never returned them, so | supposed he
was good bookkeeper. Detroit Free
Press.
Doctor Y is a little hot tempered,
and when he got into a dispute the
other day with an acquaintance in a
street-car and became very insolent the
latter exclaimed: Monsieur, you have
insulted me. and you will receive my
seconds. And you will not have the adj
vantage you do with your patients, for
/ will not give you the choice of arms. "
French Fun.
A St. Louis bank cashier avs this is
the way to tell a twenty. We from a
twentv-cent piece: ''On the quarter the
eagle is looking over its right wing,
and on the twenty-cent piece over the
left wing" The chances are twenty
five to twenty that if that eagle looked
him straight in the eye the cashier
would skip TO Canada. Philadelphia
Nea0S
Magistrate say you are a
tourist? Prisoner-Yes. sir l love
nature in all her radiant beauty
Magistrate (hastily)-Never mind that
/ How much money have you about your
clothesp Prisoner-Seventy-five cents.
Magistrate (seyerely)-Thcn / shall
commit you rs tramp. We draw the
| line between tourists and tramp at ST.
Philadelphia Call.
There is my wife, said the duelist
| to his second. in a voice broken with
emotion; '.if am killed she will be left
alone in this cold. cold world; but,
thank Heaven, | am rich. and if the
worst comes to the worst, she will be
provided for" You ought to write
her letter." suggested the second. Il
will, and in case | fall will you deliver
Z 4 IL