davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
A.,GHlMEDES HARDPAN
Relates His Editorial Experience with
1.-THE Wayback Horn of Plenty"

Relates His Editorial Experience with
1.-THE Wayback Horn of Plenty"
My name Is Archimedes Hardpan Until
recently l was editor of The Wayback Horn
of Plenty, My journalistic career was
short, sad and painful. l am now broodinr
DER the painful past. have so much painful
past to brood DER that l haven't time to do
much else.
Let the frivolous and trifing pause here
and turn to another column. These remarks
are not for them. They are for those who
can weep couple of tears over my painful
past.
My wife's name is Maria. She is woman
of an economical turn of mind and a great
force of character. In her domestic walks
'waste nothing" is her maxim, and her con-
slant efforts to have me help her "waste
nothing" have been the cause of much of my
painful past
The advertising patrons of The Horn of
Plenty paid me mainly in sad-irons cork
screws, garden seeds, health food and vari-
ETY. of other things which congress has thus
far neglected to make a legal tender. In this
respect my paper was truly horn of plenty.
1t was more of the nature of hollow horn.
My first advertising contract yielded me a
dozen liver pads. l tried to trade them to
the grocer for piece of bacon, which,
thought, would give my liver more joy than
pad, but he looked at me coldly and said
that liver pads had gone out of style. When
Maria found them on my hands she insisted
that l should wear them, and when Maria in
sists | usually give in to save trouble and
loud talk. For twelve weeks l wore a large,
scarlet-trimmed pad over an innocent and
well behaved liver. Then Maria gave the
cast-of pad to the local benevolent society for
the poor.
My next important contract brought me an
artificial leg. That rather stumped Maria as
we were both fully supplied with legs. The
old wooden limb caused her a good deal of
mental pain. Sometimes she seemed to al
most wish l would lose a leg somehow or
other, so that the artificial limb could be
turned to use. knew that she was greving
herself sick because l couldn't wear it and
wouldn't try.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

A gentleman some six weeks ago sent his
wife and son, boy of 5 years of age, to
London. This morning an elderly brother
here received a letter from London in which,
among other things, the boy said that he
shouldn't say his prayers till he got to Boston,
for he thought there wasn't any God over
there.-Boston Transcript.
CLOSE OBSERVATION.
A class was asked to give some of the
peculiarities OF people of different national
tiles, and one bright pupil gave the result of
her studies on the subject as follows: China
man-Color, white; habits, eats rats and
smokes opium; occupation, washing and IRON
ing Negro-Color, black habits, likes liver;
occupation, beats carpets. Americans -
Color, white; habits, eats beans and fishballs
Sunday morning; occupation, builds churches
and school houses. Worcester Spy.
A CHANCE FOR NUMBER ONE.
A bright little 6-year-old girl, living at
Dorchester, was baptized one Sunday
recently. After the ceremony she was taken
back to the family pew, where her aunt gave
her dime to put in the contribution box.
After receiving the money she changed her
position to the other end of the pew, away
from the aisle, and whispered to her aunt: "If
he don't come real near l shall keep the
money myself" 1t is needless to say that the
contribution box did not come near enough.
Boston Courier.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
SIGHTS AT LAKE COMO.
GRACE GREENWOOD TALKS ABOUT
ITS ROMANTIC ASSOCIATIONS.
The Constanc y of the Italians to the Mem
DRY of Garibaldi and Mazzini-The Co.'S
tune of the Lombardy Peasant of the
Better Class.
special Correspondenca.l


Especial Correspondence
CERNoBBIA, LAGo DI Como, June 30.-We
have been enjoying in this lovely spot, on the
most lovely lake in the world, blessed little
season OF rest and refreShment. The weather
has been perfect, the air exquisitely pure,
and, after the heat and heavineSs of that of
Milan, wonderfully vivifying and exhilar-
atmg. Though our object in coming here
was rest, the new vigor we soon gained in
cited us to much outdoor life and many ex-
cursions. We one day braved the sun on a
steep, unshadowed, mountainous road, to visit
some friends at San Fermo a little,
primitive village among the hills
above Como, near the Swiss boundary
1t was just here that Garibaldi's first
battle with the Austrians took place in
1859. That was a wonderful strategic tri-
umph, for there were actually less than / 900
Italians opposed to 10000 of the enemy who
THE small attacking parties coming from
many directions) were led to believe that the
hills swarmed with Garibaldians. The chief
had so divided his bands of music that at
Numbered all round the horizon" with trum-
pets and drums. He seemed to multiply or
ubiquitize himself, his red shirt and his cav
airy sword flaming and flashing all over the
field. The Austrians, appalled, by so much
Garibaldi, made good time down the noun
tains-such as were able to get down at all.
Many were Unexpectedly detained.
The matchless hero followed up this victory
at once and won another at Como, and soon
thousands flocked to his standard, pricked on,
perhaps, by his declaration that whoever is
able to bear a musket, and does not, is pitt
able wretch" The monument on the little
piazza of San Fermo, to the memory of the
fourteen Garibaldians who fell on that glori-
GUS day, is one of thep pilgrim shrines of Italy.
1t reminded me of the monument at Licking
ton.
In the office of the sindaco, or mayor, is
fine marble bust of ",The Deiverer," the ped
estal of which is always hung round with
votive wreaths. Before this image of the new
Saint Joseph the civil marriages take place,
and he seems to smile on the happy couples
and bless them in the name of italian unity
1t is strange, the adoring constancy of this
light-hearted people to the dear memory of
Garibaldi and Mazzini. Monuments, statues
and busts of these heroic divinities seem to
spring up out of the earth everywhere-the
heaviest crop that the soil of Italy bears to-
day.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
DEATHS DOJNGS.
ANOTHER ANCIENT LAND MARK
GONE.


GONE.
The people of Texas will hear with
profound sorrow of the death of Major
Clement r. Johns of this city. He died
at his residence in Austin on the Both
instant, after brief illness, at the ripe
age of seventy years.
Major Johns was an old Texan, belong
ing to that stock of men of grand char
acter, with noble traits, that mark the
periods in which they live "as plainly as
the Roman tombs mark the Appian way
that leads from the city of the Caesars"
He has acted an important part in the
politics and history Of Texas, and was,
prominent in business life, and noted.
among his friends in his social relations.
The story of his life would fill volume,
of interesting incidents, full of useful
and exemplary lessons. He was a self
made man. His patience, perseverance,,
sterling honesty and loyalty to his friends,
and generosity to his opposers, brought
to him distinction and popularity second
to no one in this state. He was a man of
broad, liberal views, tolerant to all who
were honest in their purposes He was
modest and unassuming in his manners,
and won the esteem of all for his quiet,
unobtrusive, and his profound, great
common-sense ideas, that bore convic-
ton of wisdom to the minds of ALL
Texas soil never nurtured a more noble
character. He was not DESTINATIONS of
his good works. but there still live the
many who will shed tear in his memory
for the graceful acts of benevo-
lence and friendship which he
performed from the fullness of
his generous and noble heart. We may
sum up in few words that
CLEMENT II. JOHNS
was good, generous, just and great
man. He was splendid model character
as a citizen, as politician, as father.
No more need be said. Texas, in losing
him, has sustained great loss. Tn
grand old gentleman, with his kind wo
and kind smile for all, will never be foi
gotten by those among whom he has
lived so long; and the future historian
will make some of the grasdest pages
from chapters in his history. Texas
mourns his loss, and all will exclaim on
hearing of his death, Smother ancient
land mark gomez
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

Dobson-Hello, Jobson, old man, how are
youl Oh, by the way, can you change &c
bill for met
Jobson pleased to be thought capitalist)-
Certainly, my boy, certainly.
Dobson-Goodl I'm glad to hear it. Then
you'll certainly be able 70 pay me that IS you
borrowed last year.
And Jobson had to pay.-Someryille Jour
nal
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
THE rHEATER AT CORY CANYON.

FrOm the HhmDIeT.
Tough Citizen.-Sa-ay, who's 'playin'
hyar tonight
Manageable greatest actor of her
time, Luciano Squealer.
I. C.-Never heard o. her.
Manager.-Nof Did your ever hear Of
Mary AndersonS
r. C.-No.
Manager.-Ever hear Of Edwin Boothr
T. C.-Nixy.
Manager Perhaps you've heard of
Adam and Eve?
7. C.-You betl They wuz hyar las
week wild variety show.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
AT THE HOP.

With eyes az bright
AS etarA at night
And cheeks like flowers in bloom,
A vision fair
With witching air,
She whirls around the room,
Round and round che goes,
As lovely as a rose,
A presence sweet and bright,
How proud lie he,
The youth whom she
Is dancing with tonight
What charming gracel
How fair her face
Her smiles are like the dawn.
The queen of girls
Around she whirls
A symphony in lawn.
hound and round she goes
As lovely as a rose,
a presence sweet and bright.
All happy he
he youth whom she
Is dancing with tonight
boston Courier
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

"Mr. Jones" said the end man, with the in.
sinuating voice for which he ceased to be
famous some time during the reign of Eliza
beth, "can you tell me how TO invest money
so that it will go the farthestp
"No, Mr.. Thompson, am not aware that
can. How do you invest money so that II
will go the farthestp
"Why, you buy postage stamps, to be sure.
The orchestra played and Bones sang, "Wby
is Our Growers Vest Cut LowY-Tid-B Bits.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

have thoroughly repaired the Barton
springs mill and will grind for reason
able toll. Also have first-class hominy
and gritz mill, and will furnish the trade
with fresh goods daily at reduc ed prices
Jacob Stern, Alb L. Pecan.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
"In Our Midst" is Good.

Now that watermelons are in our midst
again 1t is said that the price Of Jamaica gin
ger has advanced. Thus an old principle of
political economy is again indicated. The
demand regulates the price. When water
melons go down the price Of ginger goes up
Chicago Herald.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
A Book for the Seaside.

"Here is a list of books to take to the
mountains or seaside, remarked Mr.. Snooper,
looking up from his paper, land they have
actually omitted the most important book Of
alln
"What book have they omittedr' asked
Mrs. Snooper.
"The pocketbook. "-Pittsburg Chronicle
Telegraph.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
BUCKLEN,s ARNIcA sALyE.

The best salve in the world for cuts,
bruises, sores, ulcers, saltrheum, fever
sores, letter, chapped hands, chilblains,
corns, and all skin eruptions, and posi-
lively cures piles, or no pay required. IL
is guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction,
or money refunded. Price 25 cents per
box. For sale by Morley Bros.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
Easily Guessed.

First Traveler-Where are you bound
for?
Second Traveler-For Minneapolis, MINI.
First Traveler-Minneapol Let me see!
Oh, yes, that is a trading post up the river
from st. Paul.
Second Traveler-You live in ST. Paul,
don't youi
First TrayeIer-oh, yes. How came you
to guessl-Exchange.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
Doesn't Depend Upon His Secretary.

Bill Nye is a kind, obliging man. Some
body wrote to him for his autograph, and re
ceiyed in reply the following note from the
humorist: "Dear sir: In the absence Of my
amanuensis will you kindly excuse me if
write my autograph pJselfi Yours, Bill
NYen
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
BROWWS
IRON
BITTERS

WILL CURE
HEADACHE
INDIGESTION
BILIOUSNESS
DYSPEPSIA
NERVOUS PROSTRATION
MALARIA
CHILLS AND FEVERS
TIRED FEELING
GENERAL DEBILITY
PAIN IN THE BACK AND SIDES
IMPURE BLOOD
CONSTIPATION
FEMALE INFIRMITIES
RHEUMATISM
NEURALGIA
KIDNEY AND LIVER
TROUBLES
FOR SALE BY Ali DRUGGISTS
The Genuine has Trade-Mark and crossed Red
Limos on wrapper.
TAKE NO OTHER.
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

Oh, Inever can for
get herl
Running up the
beach | met her
fastening to the
big hotel.
Such a draggled,
dripping crea-
turel
S atty drops on
every feature
Who would know
the washed-out
BELIEF
In the bathing cos
tune, blushing
With good reason,
She was rush
ing
Where no hateful
man apIilI 500
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05
CHASEsEy
BARL Z Y
M A L 7
wHI9KT.

ich in lavor. mild ard elegant in taste 1t does
ot contain one drop of impure oil. Reing genuine
.arley Malt Whisky, it possesses much nutrlment,
tad is fine tonic for use in malarial sections 1t
greatly prevents attacks Of Pneumonia. A sn'endid
:onc for weak lungs and feeheness Most excellent
o. drinking and purAst for home use.
Ell CHASE 4 Co DistiIers. louisville. H
The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-08-05

How | swore at you, old Oceanl
For felt that my devotion
Hers henceforth could never be.
-Somerville Journal.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
Advocates of Silver.

The silver advocates who are likely to be specially prominent are Bland, Warner, Herbert and one or two others in the House, and Senators Beck and Eustis in the Senate. Bland, as the author of the Bland dollar, al- ways commands attention in the House when he speaks on this partic- ular subject. He is not much of a debater, and far from being an orator. He is short in stature, rather slow talker, and not an entertaining one. On any other subject than silver he seldom gets much of an audience. Personally he is about the last man you would pick out as a fnancier He pays about as little attention to his dress as MT. Morrison does to his, and that is saying s good deal, for about the last subjects in the mind of either Morrison or Bland is that of their personal appearance. Bland's full brown beard is beginning to streak with gray. His clothes remind you of country store, and his manner is that of Missouri farmer. Bland got his silver theories from his experiences in mining in the West. He went to California more than a quarter of a century ago, thence to Utah, locating at Virginia City, now in Nevada, and became interested in mining opera tions in that section. He returned to Missouri in 1865, but had not forgot ton the points he gathered in regard to silver while mine-owner.
 In the Senate Beck and Eustis make match team. They are very similar in appearance and manner, and hold similar views both in regard to silver and regarding Clsveland's Administration. Big, broad-shoulder- ed, full-bearded, dark in complexion, their black hair and boards strongly marked with gray, they might pass for brothers-perhaps for twins-so far as appearance and similarity of views are concerned.-Chicago Jour nal.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
GIOriOusN News.

The arrival of two large freight teams this morning in front of Sum- merfield Bros store, caused our re- porter to pause while going the rounds of the city for news. After waiting few minutes he observed several large packing cases being unloaded. This excited his curiosity, and he repaired to the interior of the store where he found them being unpacked, and no- ticed that they were filled with boys and mems clothing, which are espec- ially suited for the holidays.
 We also observed several cases which contained full line of holiday presents such as silk handkerchiefs, plain handkerehiefs, embroidered handkerchiefs, initial handkerchiefs, and in fact almost everything that is suitable for holiday presents. Mir. Summerfeld stated to us that he had employed force of six extra clerks, so that everybody could be waited upon at once and not be kept waiting. We would advise all parties desiring holiday goods, or who would like to make their lady or gentleman friend a suitable present, to visit the store of Summerf9ld Bros, and they will find what they want. 12-21 If
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
Notice.

In another month it will be time for our people to plant trees and SOW seeds if they desire to beautify their homes, and to this end MT. Branch has just received at his nursery, on Fulton street, between Second and Third, fine lot of fruit trees and vines from the San Jose nursery, Cali fornia, which he will sell very reason able. Remember that it is just as easy to grow fruit trees as it is to grow Cottonwoods. 12-23tf
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
More Indians.

From Joseph Tasker, who came in from Soldier Holes this afternoon, we gleam the following particulars in re- gards to the movement of the rene gades.
 MT. Tasker states that just as he was about to leave his ranch MT. San derson rode up and told him that night before last the hostiles had wis tied his ranch and stole all of his horses. They also killed a calf and took portion of it with them and left the bal ance where they had killed it. He also stated that the Indians had stolen several horses from c. s. Abbott, Tom Hill and MT. Schultz, and that their trail led in the direction of the Mule mountains.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
Blood Hounds.
tsilVer City Enterprise. 1

lSHhSA NAsJ A3hSOA PAAoS'
 The following is portion of let ter received by Geo. A. Shuteldt, as a suggestion from a gentleman who had read letter published in the Chicago Tribune on the present Indian situa- ton here, and which was written by MT. Shufeldt: q was born in south ern Illinois just after the close of the war with England-1814. The same trouble existed there with the Indians as with you now, small bands roam ing over the country, killing all de- fenseless settlers found and then mak- ing haste to join their friends further north, beyond the white settlements. I remember well of hearing the cir cumstance of family of seven, by the name of Woods, being killed just below the present city of Alton. Within few hours Captain Whistles was on the trail of the Indians with three blood-hounds. The trail was followed for over $50 miles and of the g Indians engaged in the massacre were killed. The dogs were fed on fhn hOdieS Of tho dad Indians Raids of small bands of Indians on white settlements soon ceased. Would not the same plan of using blood hounds to track the Indians work the same in your country? The experiment. is worth trying"
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
More TaTT.

The following letter to A. J. Caldwell we publish below without comment leaving the public to judge for them. selves:
 PRESCOTT, A. T., Jan. 2, 1886. A. J. CALDWELL AND OTHERS, TOME STONE :-GENTs I am instructed by the Governor to acknowledge receipt of your petition for an extra sesion of the Territorial Legislative Assembly as there is no power vested in the Governor to convene the Legislature in extraordinary session except by congressional enactment; the petition has been respectfully referred to the Hon. Delegate from this Territory in Congress.
 Very respectfully yours,
 T. E. PARISH, Secretary.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07

MT. Ganshorn has severed his con nection with A. Fortlouis and has ac- cepted a position with G. s. Bradshaw of the Fashion saloon.
 Constable Ben James will take a little trip tonight to the San Bernar- dino ranch on little business.
 MT. Ridglgy Tilden will have page 50, volumne l, of the proceedings of the board of supervisors of 1881, photographed. Ridg. is sly coon.
 The board of supervisors have been kept pretty busy in attending to the affairs of the county. If any our cit izenS think for a moment that the supervisors have no work to do, just let them drop in on the board. A supervisor has to be a mechanic, book keeper, engineer, expert and the Lord knows what else, for the dear people.
 IT ulG t1CCSJ SIlelNlO JIOCoJ 6llAdIl II ulI garden and house plants, bulbs and seeds, sold by J. N. Futile, Second street, between Allen and Fremont. Fruit trees, 25c each. Also, agent for the celebrated Combination Washing Machine.
 Sol Israel will raffle the largest handsome wax doll that he has on ex- hibition at his store, at the small sum of twenty-five cents chance. The raffle to take place as soon as the chances are all taken. P If
 Holiday goods arriving every day at the Fifth street News Depot. If you don't wish to buy, come in and take look anyway. 12-1
 Beautiful holiday cakes at the Eclipse Bakery, on Fremont street.
 Don't pass the Fifth street News Depot, but come in and examine the stock. 12-1
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
FOrger Cheek.

CLINTON, Mo-, Jan. 5.-From good authority your reporter learns that S.. E. Cheek, the forger and embezzler, was in Clinton Tuesday, the morning after his wife died. It is given out that he was almost frantic on learning of her death. He remained secreted, and left for parts unknown Tuesday night. It was thought that he left on the train that bore the body of his wife back to her old home near Lex ington to buried, but there is no doubt he took the M. K. and T. for the South. The parents of his wife re- fused to let him see her, and the old lady sent him word that she never wanted to see him again and that she looked on him as the cause of her daughters death. If there are war rants out for Cheeks arrest, 1t is not made public. Another bogus mort gage made by check came to light to day. The county clerk received let ter from H. s. Hayden, of Windsor, Conn.,, inquiring after loan which he describes as recorded on deed-of- tru8t-book 43, page 357. There are but 319 pages in that book. The mortgage is given in the name of John Lebold, who sold the land sev- eraI years ago. The amount is under stood to be $7,000.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
Board of Supervisors.

JANUARY [, 1886. Board met pursuant to adjourn ment.
 Supervisor John Montgomery in the chair.
 Minutes of previous meeting read and approved. On motion ao otion on the communi- cation of Messrs. Tomlinson & Braw- ley, regarding printing contracts, was postponed until Jan. 8th, 1886. As we go to press the board is still in session.
The Daily Tombstone., 1886-01-07
The "Trusty. Scouts.

The Clifton Clarion has the follow. ing particulars of tn ecent mutiny Indian scouts near Duncan:
 It has been difficult to learn the particulars of the mutiny of the scouts at Duncan on account of the telegraph wires being out of order. Lieut.. Kingsbury, who was in charge of tkirty Navajo scouts from Fort Win gate, was ordered to give Lieut. Nc Donald ten of his men. But the In dians refused to separate, alleging that their ponies were tired and themselves short of provisions. They were then on the hot trail of the Apaches. After going out about ten miles from Duncan, some ten scouts did separate from the other twenty, but the latter discharged their guns and made so much ado that the at tempt was given up, and the entire party returned to Duncan. The chief of scouts has been and, it is said, the Indian scouts ha 'e been disarmed.