davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
The Conductors satire.

A man was bounding around in a
car on new Dakota road when the
conductor came through.
"Can you tell me-" said the man,
with great show of sarcasm" :"
whether this car is on the track or
not?"
"Sirp' replied the conductor, reach
ing into his pocket, 'here is a volume
of the rules and regulations Of this
road" tt.
"But what do l want of IT."
"Look it over and see you can find
any rule saying that / must spend my
time running alongside of the train
reporting its position TO the passen-
gers. See If there is anything in that
volume that compels me to go hump.
ing myself along on the prairie and
yelling through the windows, Four
wheels off now or hind trucks drag
ging on the ties or gentlemen, the
baggage car has just rolled into the
ditch or passengers will please re-
main seated while we turn off here and
scoot across the prairie after jack
rabbit Look over them rules, sir,
and see If you find any of these direc.
tions If you don't. in the future
please take your own observations of
the wheels, - Esteline Bell,
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

A DRUGGIsT's VERDICT: "During thirty
years. drug business, Rerer have l sold an
article giving such universal satisfaction as
Palmer's 'Skin-Success.' People who suf-
fered for years with various skin complaints
are constantly returning perfectly cured to
thank me for recommending 'Skin-Suc.
cess. 'n-[G. r. Harris, j, G. Heights, n. j
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
Old dominion Notes.

The Confederate decoration parade at
Norfolk will take place tomorrow, and Lee
Camp of Richmond has accepted an invita-
tion TO be present.
Arrangements have been perfected for
the cadets OF st. Johns Academy, Alexan-
dria, to go into camp week DIT Ocean
View, beginning June 10.
The vote cast at the late election In Rich
mond for city sergeant was as follows: Lee,
Democrat, 4,5S7 Smith, Independent Re-
form, 1855. Smiths majority, 5000.
Governor Lee has appointed Richard T..
Beirne Of Ashland, Hanover County; ii. l..
d. Lewis Of Berryville, Clarke County;
John Hampton Hogej OF Chrlstiansburg,
Montgomery County, and b. o. James Of
Goochland Court House., as aides to the
Governor, with the breyet rank of colonels
Of cavalry.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

back in the sixties Those were the
palmy days of the Slate. too; State scrip
was worth 40 cents on the dollar. But
tho rush for office was rs great then as
IL is now Governor Ramsey used TO
be at his wits ends to know how to
reconcile the oillce.seekers when sew
eral were after one place. Finally, one
day, when he had been reading over
the ponderous files of recommendation
that candidates sent him, happy
thought struck him. Sam said he
opening the door to Jennison's room,
get me q good pair of scales.
The General was much younger
then, and not so adipose as now, with
his 225 pounds, aud off he flew to
notify Charles McIlrath, the State
auditor, who sent out and bought n
good pair of platform scales. The
bluff Governor took them, and care
fully weighed the documents of the
various candidates, and finally gave
the commission TO the one who had the
weightiest recommendation II was
a good selection. too, and did honor to
the Governors judgment. The same
mode of appointment was used several
times"
Nv
Says Curtis in the Chicago Inter-
0codF. Senator Vance of North Caro-
lima is the wag of the Senate, and Is
always playing some prank upon his
colleagues who all rejoice when they
succeed in turning joke upon him.
The other day Senators Kenna anil
Salisbury found handsome basket of
flowers upon Vance, desk, which they
removed to the desk of Senator Beck.
When Mr.. Vance entered the Senate
chamber he poked his nose into the
bouquet and remarked: II wonder
where Beck bought those flowers. He
is always buying himself bouquets.
That's the way all you fellows get
them. l never knew bouquet TO come
into the Senate that wasn't paid for out
Of some Senator'S salary" Then he
picked up the card aud read the In.
scription, ITO Senator Vance, with
the compliments of Mrs. Blank" The
other Senators roared when they saw
The puzzled expression upon his face,
but he walked off with the flowers
under his arm with the remark that
there were exceptions to all rules.
wv
The same correspondent relates that
Turing the last winter Il good deal of
4 port was made in society of the wife
/. VI millionaire from the West, who
has entertained very elaborately and
aiken an active part in all social mat
ers. Her eccentricities, and some
foolish remarks she has made have
siven her the name of Mrs. Malaprop
among the gossips, and those who
have partabon of her hospitality have
shown very bad taste in ridiculing
her, even under her own roof. She is
a good woman, but is not very careful
what she says and does. The com.
ments that have been made upon re-
marks and actions have been repeated
to her by unkind persons, and it is said
that she is SO much disgusted that she
will not return to Washington another
winter.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

Rev. W. w. Christine of Florence, .J.,
authorizes: 81 have known of Palmer's
'Skin-Success since 1S49 (37 years., and
have found 1t to be all that is claimed for
it: A safe, sure, speedy Remedy for skin
complaints OF eperu ltAne and aelee.'N
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

White jersey shirts, warranted not to
shrink, are remarkable bargains. You use
them as shirts one summer and as necktes
the next
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

Ransom; Judge Hyer of Railway, N. j.;
A. A. Drake, esq, N. Y. Stock Exchange;
Rev. stephen Merritt, New York, and many
others are witnesses that Palmer's "Skin-
Success" is safe, SIRE and specify Remedy
for skin complaints OF o0Gry name and de-
1ree of SeVeritV.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
"AIderney DAIRY WngOns.D

Fresh Alderney butter churned every
morning and delivered in ib "Ward"
prints, 40c, per 10. Also cottage cheese
buttermilR and sweet milk, &c. per at,
Cream, l6c, per pit.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

To use st. Jacobs Oil argues wisdom,
as 1t is the only remedy which conquers
pan,'
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
e.. M. ID.

Walking down Broadway is very pleas
ant When you feel well, and 7 K
never, felt better than when his friend asked
him how he got over that severe cough of
his so speedily. "Ah, my boy,n said T,
sc. NJ. d. did it!' And his friend wondered
mean Good many Doctors, for r K
had tried a dozen In vain, 81 have it,"
said he, just hitting the nail on the head,
"you mean DR.. Piercc's Golden Medical Dis
covery,' or Gold Medal Deserved, as my
friend J. s. always dubs it." Sold
by druggists.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

The street railways in Glasgow are
owned by the city and yield 1t a revenue OF
$4,000.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
CAPITAL PRIZE, SI50,oOu.

I'VE do hereby certtty mat ,ps sppe1piss Msar-
rTleD,ents for an ne Af0hthiy and 0uarfer-
M Drdpings Of he Louisiana state Lott5ry
Company and IN person manage dHd control The
DtaiDings Themselves, and that ne same are con
Quoted NTH honesty, fairness dadiR good fdikh
Ton ard all parties and lUe authorize he Com
rdnyto use this cert fcdte, aoih fao-sinnilGs, OF
our sionatures attached, tn It's ADDER isensTsts."
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

A. A. Drake, Esq, N. Y. Stock Exchange,
says: "Palmer's 'Skin-Success' perfectly and
quickly cured a skin complaint for which
was long treated by two eminent physi-
clans who failed to relieve me. For hui
manity's sake | permit this to be published.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

Canada is of very inconvenient size.
1t is too small to fight and too big to ig-
more.
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

-o-l-o-I-o- -o-ol.,I
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

Yes" said F. Il. Snow of the Mer-
chants Hotel at St. Paul to a reporter
of the Pioneer Press the other day, n
was Assistant Secretary of State way
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02
pRFS.ETS WOMEN.

% o o o
The Washington critic., 1886-06-02

&ffr'
,.I
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
4 Trains Fast Trim.

Lew Silence is one of the veteran pas
senger conductors on the New York di-
vision of the Pennsylvania railroad He
runs the 80 o'clock train from Phila-
delphia to New York every morning.
The other day he pulled little note
book out of his pocke, and, turning to
June 13, said:
| made that memorandum six years
ago. That was the fastest run ever made
on the New York division of the Penn
sylvania railroad from Philadelphia to
New York-ninety-tw miles in ninety
three minutes The train made three
stops and seven slow-ups There was
only one car and an engine. The car
was filled with passengers from the West,
aDd | ran the train. There had been a
storm up in the State the night before,
and on the middle division of the main
inc, between Harrisburg and Altoona, a
big tree blew across the track | think
it was in the Lewiston narrows. The fast
line, as the train was called, was four
hours and thirty-one minutes late when
it got to Philadelphia got orders to
take those passengers to New York as
quick as an engine could pull a car. The
whole road was cleared for my train We
went so fast that telegraph poles looked
like toothpicks and houses like soap
boxes One nile was made III forty six
seconds, another mile in forty seven sec
onds and a third mile in fortysninc Sec
onds When we went down the hill at
Menlo Park, we travelled three miles at
the rate of seventy eight miles an hour
around curves and on the straight track.
If man hal put his head out of win
dow he would have lost his breath.
That's the history of the fastest run ever
made on the New York division, I've
been on some pretty fast trains, but tha;
beats them all: | often see stories in the
newspapers about fast runs made on
Western roads, but when you come to
ride nine y-two miles III nincty-three min
utes, througI a thickly settled country
like that between this city and New York,
why, its fast riding, because an enginee,
has to slow ue going through every big
town. Still, " went through Elizabeth
that day running fifty-eignt miles an
hour
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
An American Army in l777.

Here is a picture of one of the men at
Valley Forge: ''His bare feet peep
through his wornout shoes. his legs near
ly naked from the tattered remains of
al only pair of stockings, his breeches
not enough to cover his nakedness, his
shirt hanging in strings his hair dis
heveled, his face wan aud thin, his look
hungry, his whole appearance that Of a
man forsaken and neglected. And the
snow was ia ling, This was one of the
privates. The officers were scarcely bet
ter off. One was wrapped ''in sort of
dressing gown made OF an old blanket or
wooden bed cover The uniforms were
torn and ragged the guns were rusty; a
few only had bayonets; the soldiers car
ried their powder in tin boxes and cow
horns.
The horses died Of starvation. and the
men harnessed themselves = trucks and
sleds, hauling wood ani provisions from
storchousc II lu.. At one time there
was not a ration in camp. Washington
seized the peril with strong hand and
compelled the people in the country
about, who had been selling to the
British army at Philadelphia, to give UP
their stores t. the patriots at Valley
Forge.-St NichpE1S
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
HILLSBORO n c. SATURDAY. OCTOBER l6 1896 NEW

week before We questioned him. Then
wc learned all tod you At the outset.
The last thing he remembered was
counting that money in Chicago For
two years he had been like a man in his
sleep. When the camp got hold Of all
the particulars everybody was MIIler's
friend, and particularly 50 as the real
thief was finally discovered AMI punished.
Miller remained with us uatil spring. and
then set out for the mines on the Upper
Arkansas with sorac Of our boys. In a
car1p not twenty miles from Us he saw
and identified Dawson, who had been
there for a year The miners would have
lynched the fellow, hut he cut sticks too
rapidly, and week later his dead body
was found in a gulch two or three miles
away, where the Indians hal tumbled it
after securing lis scalp. -1'sao York Sun.
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16

In the time Of Charles II. restrictions
were laid on the weight Of carriages and
their contents by limiting the number OF
cattle by which they might be drawn;
power has given to raise an assessment
for the repairs of the roads, and the plan
Of imposing tolls began to be adopted.
From this time we begin to hear of turn
pixies, and as time went on turnpike acts
were passed and turnpike roads began to
be talked about With increased traffic
and better roads the stage wagon re-
placed the packhorsc in the conveyance
Of merchandisc-tho huge tilted wagon
that Survived till railway times, with its
six or eight sleek horses, the smart wag-
oner riding his cob by the side of it,
fiourishing his long cartwhip, as the road
wound through undulating ground with
cornfelds and pastures, still mostly un-
inclosed, and by ways branching off with
way posts, at the junction pointing to
some village whose spire shows over the
nlilSlde. In the year ltb' the system or
collecting tolls was extended to the
great roads in all directions, and the Gus
! tomary statute labor was appropriated
entirely to the cross or country roads.
This date marks the beginning Of the era
of stage coaches, and the full develop
ment of an organized system of posting
from stage to stage along the public
roads. From this time the roads of Eng
! land began to rouse the wonder and envy
of other nations. Ia France especially,
just before the revolutionary era, the
roads were cXccrablc, anu the few public
conveyances clumsy and badly horsed.
Everything had to give way to cquipages
of the grand seigneurs, and the starving
/ peasantry were dragged from their sloppy
fields to draw the gilded coach of the
Marquis or Count out of the quarmires
/ of the public road -4H the Yer Round
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
The Eagle and the Tortoise.

An eagle once seized tortoise, carried
j. to great height in the air. and was
abou. TO Ie, j, fall 30, tie TORTOISE,
taking in The situation and seizin- tie
eagles thigh with his mouth, quietly
remarked: You are such del:gh,.ul
companion TIA; / coaldn, think Of ~
inc with vou yet. Now. il were = bet
ting man, II wager two dollars tha.
you viii take re = the ground laad st
me down gca;ly b the wav. rha: do
you thin. O: vsviseetion =, When the
eagle had deposited his bgrlen with
loving SeuiIcness u Tie grass he scared
away. sorrv bu: wiser bird
Moral: This fable teaches how foolish
j, IS for 3 conductor ,o,ry 20 pat pas
seager Of train when heraas free pass.
-Lys
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
HI MOROUS.

An early rlser-The alarm clock.
4 drink for the sick-we.l water.
Those who toll and spin-The bicycle
riders
The 9 rcat woman question: What
did she have ont"
Why is there nothing like leather1 Be-
cause it is the sole support OF man.
Kansas cyclone is spoken Of which
was so terrific in its fury that it blew all
the keyhoes out OF the doors.
1T is a cold day when get fcft," re-
marked the flannel suit when It was
showed up at the pawnbrokers.
There is in New Guinea an electrical
tree which Qknocks down any man who
touches it. The woodman spares that
tree.
\ cynical old bachelor says: "Ideas
are like boards; men only get them when
they are grown up, and women never
have any.
''For q young woman to begin to brush
the dust off young mans coat" is said
to be the first symptom that the young
man is in peril.
The whale is a warm blooded animal,
we are told, and he resembles a small
boy in another particular, he is very
much given to blubber
A daily paper announces that upon tho
occasion of a recent boiler explosion in
the neighborhood, "bctwecn thee and
four men were injured"
The Girton College girls have organ
lied society for the protection of birds.
The larks of the young gentlemen will
receive their first attention
Papa" said little five year old,
pointing to turkey eobbler strutting
around in n ncighbor's yard; 'aint that
rednosed chicken got an awful big
bustle2'
A little girl was sitting at table op
poste gentleman with waxed nous
tache After gazing at him for several
moments she exclaimed, my kitty has
got whiskers, too
Lightning struck hall where some of
! Wagner's music was being rendered, and
| the leader Of the orchestra merely mo-
toned to the man at the big drum to hit
it more gently the next time.
! "Why, Frankly, exclaimed mother a.
the summer boarding house ~ never
know you to ask for second piece Of pic
at home" Il knew 'twan't no use" said
Frankly, rs he proceeded with his pie
eating.
| It is entirely unfair for man to sncer
I at woman's inability 10 understand
baseball game Until he has proven his
own ability to erapple with the mysteries
Of crazy quilt social
"Fa'her.s' sa.1 R,llo. ''what is mean.
by tho intoxjcation ri wealth. Means
that money !. tight" replied RolIos
father, who lad been shining nrotlad
all the afierGyan slth e piece Of paper
I looking for an autograph.
There is no.hin. low under the sun,
AMI j: j. nore thaa probable tim, base.
bal was known aad p.aycl IN shake
spear time II "C9r.oIauGs. nc, !,
socne /. we fai IT," words. where 60
you with bat, anl c.ut-r'
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16

Not that love iife's troubles and chaSrins
Do 50 cling unto this mortal sphere.
But have friends that are 70 mo 80 dear
Alooi from them death cen in life begins
Oh weuld have my loved ones ever near
Where can see their faces, hear thoSr
speech;
Nor harshc- pcnance for my earthly sins
Than endless severance could our pulpits
teach
Else could oft, harj battling in the world
Welcome. soa crave for. deaths everlasting
Truce
R.ioi 4 :"se> the hostile banners fur'ei.
Nv weapof.= s>roken AMI no more OF use:
And lie ,iovn calmly in NV final tent.
Safe from the strifess that once my spirit rent,
Tudor Ir.iisa ms N the Current
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16
Too Risky.

Brown-How are you Smith?
Smsth-Not very well; my Old trouble
you know.
Brown-Whv don't you try Dr. Tonicf
I think h. could Ise.p you.
Smj:h-D- Tonic. Wha. DO | want
that quack forl
Brown-oA, YOU may call him quack
II you choose. but you have him oace,
AMI NIX word for II. you'r! never employ
anybody else.
Sml,h-ThA:'s what am afraid Of
Ba,to1 Traa >,-irt
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16

Tho huo of her hide was &ft-kv brown.
lie body Wa lean and Aar neck was 81 m.
One horn va turned " AMI he other turned
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1886-10-16

He called every crticfc of - 49,.
t,...-.. d.,..fo nj.
toh;,r Icon1d cav - h;,, ..IIs-
fo.lt. ,.o;1 If ,,...or > a.',,..I,,', ',,'
t,.a ra;I and bnrr, - " ''.
.>-ia- loo uha, c.o. >,
g. - ha ,r1ntd n.1 - --''''
With o,c, ,noutb Tbo ..:...1 -, - ~
,r.r,, . io.,c an him an3 a~aa r -
wore ,,ro,,,, ranch onas t,uta - '..''. ...l
son, H.. -,o, arm 1,,
,h,. ho ,-o,ra NO.
- hin, ,or1.a,,,. tr;..,
rf fnr ,,.4.uao ~.
..lyh.uo
,,ono;I 90 ifa1.l,,. l..,~f,
ro,Il ,nal,. ,.,. ~ a.,,a ~.
o,,,a,, FROM h;n, onI - o,,,,, aa1Il.
.L.l-..sh;. h,,d l . a.
Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1886-05-21
LATEsr ny rELEPmoNE.

Mrs. @. II. Kellogg and little son visited her
husband, our new Photographic artist here,
yesterday.
Miss Jennie Wilson, Of ueucseo, ILL.,, is tho
guest Of her uncle, DR.. II. A. Hamilton, this
week.
Miss Picnic Robertson started on wcdnes-
day for visit with hgr cousin. Mrs. Ulrich, at
Farmersvile, Ohio.
Rev. D. Clark Lamplugh, late of obetlin Col
lege, received call from the Walnut Street
Church, has accepted and is now located with
us. The JouRSAL extends welcome.
MIR. Stephen Cook of Warsaw, Ind, accom-.
panied by his daughter, Mira. Louisa Lay, ar
rived here on Monday morning On the sad mis-.
sion of attending tho funeral Of his daughter
Mrs. IL. II. Charles, which occurred on Tues
day. Miss Ella \. Cook sister Of deceased,
has been here for some months past.
Capt. r "a. wetmorc rim up homo Tuesday
evening" ffe has made three trips with tho
Gault aud was loading for the fourth. IIc
starts in with six Pcrryshurg boys-Gus. Per.
rim, I'd. Carroll, VIM. Vctch, John Brassy,
VIM. Tefn and Joe. Bough. Captain Root has
sailing with him on the Russell Sage, O. o.
Baird, Frank Thornton and his son, johnny
Root,
Our whilom friend, 7. h. Stewart, of Dayton
gave the JOURNAL a pleasant call on Monday.
lie inform us that the people as we'll ns tho
city of Dayton are all torn up over the $3.50, 900
sewer now in process of construction, which I!
Is believed will cost the people $500 900 before
they get through with II. Their Council is
equally divided politically between the two
great parties, and agree upon nothing except
the great sewer enterprise, and like the OHIO
Senate have divided into two bodies and hold
their meetings in separate places.
Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1886-05-21
In this Republican land where w,

In this Republican land, where we
search in vain the Presidential and Guber.
Material messages for word concerning
the dcpleilons and devastations of our
country by Ipiemperance, hint toward
the kind legislation which may protect
our homes from the dreadful ravages,
how refreshing it is 10 hear from over the
seas that clear strong voice Of England's
Queen saying as she notes the diminished
receipts OF the National Treasury "The
growth OF the Revenue, however, IL sensi-
bly retarded by cause which must in
itself be contemplated with satisfaction.
refer TO the elimination in the aceipts of
Exchequer from the duties OIL intoxicat-
ing liquors." May We be forgiven ii we
glory little over the fact that it was first
II woman among rulers, to speak these
words Union Signal.
Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1886-05-21
Thirty Years n Detective.

ALLAN P1NKERToN, the famous detec-
tive, was born in Glasgow, Scotland, In the
year 1S49. lie died in Chicago, July 1st.,
1884. 1t Is difficult In brief sketch TO
estimate his life and public services. 1t
was hard life, a busy life, and a great
life, and it rendered services TO this country
which can hardly be over-eslimated, aud
which ii has been the fortune of few men
10 equal.
His thousands OF successful assaults
against organized and determined crime,
in many countries, are facts familiar, and
they constitute foundation for fair aa,l
Just estimate of his life and the mans real
character.
The mental characteristics of Allan
Pinkerton were judgement rs to facts
knowledge Of men, the ability to concen-
trate His faculties on one subject, and the
persistent power of will. A mysteriou,
problem OF crime against which his life
was devoted, presented to his thought was
solved almost in an instant, and seem.
ingly by his intuitions. With half-cosed
eyes he saw the scene in which the wrong
was done, read every movement OF the
criminals, and reached invariably the cor
rect conclusion as to the conduct OF the
crime, and the guilt OF those who commit
ted ii. His mental view was broad no
one circumstance directed or controlled il.
He saw all the facts, and on them based
his conclusions. He was sell possessed and
well-poised The certainty OF his judg-
ment, though characterized by quick
movement OF the intellect, was The result
OF vigorous and calm thought.
He has left us in his writings sufficient
chronicle of his detective experiences. that
this and future generations may know
mu:h of his useful life. His ruling idea
in the public alton of his books was ,u
show to the public how surely aud newt
ably detection and punishment follows the
commission of crime, and it is wonderful
that amid all his tolls he found time sufi-
tent to recount so ably his thrilling stories.
They read like fiction, though facts they
all are.
We call attention to the advertisement
in another column Of his principal book
"Thirty Years Detective" for which G
w. Carleton & Co., the great New York
Publishers, want agents.