Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1886-10-07
WIT AND HUNIOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
A Western member of Congress is said
to have won $4,000 at poker since the
beginning of the present session. In
point of craftsmanship the West is rap
idly taking the lead of the rest of the
country.
Country Aunt-"It must be terrible
hard work dancing at full-dress ball. :"
City Niece dressed for the balD-"It is
very fatiguing." c. Al thought so,
seeing as you're almost stripped TO the
waist for ii. t."-BoStOn Courier.
A Wisconsin minister was dismissed
from an orthodox pulpit because he
built fire under a balky horse. Fire
may do very well for starting q stub
born sinner on the right road, but it's
cruel to use it on a horse.-BoSton Post.
Public Speaker Ito rcporter)-"You
told ME that you took all the points
made in my speech yesterday; and here
you have got only two lines, simply say
ing that | addressed the meeting. And
spoke at least an hour" Reporter-I
assure you, sir, that every point you
made is in my report. "-BoSton Tran
script
They were discussing at the dinner
table the question of capital punishment.
A young physician. who was warm
partisan of the side which favored its
abolition, cried out: ut is barbarous
custom. One man has no right to take
the life of his fellow" A young lady
on the other side: Nevertheless, mon
sieur, you are doctor!'
Magdalen Miller of Greenville, Pa, is
80 years old, is in vigorous health, and
has chewed tobacco for seventy years.
The lesson conveyed by the record of
this fine old lady is marrcd by the fact
that so many people who have chewed
tobacco have not lived to the age of 80.
There seems to be no moral to the case
at all Chicago Tribune. ...
1t is rumored that new magazine
will shortly appear which will make
speciality of printing in each number an
article relating to the "late War" be-
tween the North and the South. It
strikes us that this is an excellent idea.
We have often wondered why our maga-
zines and weekly papers didn't print
War article now and then.
Several years ago two gentlemen of
dignified bearing visited q school in this
city and seemed much interested in its
recitations. Finally they asked few
questions. whereupon the teacher, hav-
ing never seen them before, innocently
inquired: care you strangers in the
scityP" ''Well, no" answered the bolder
of the two, 1--WE are members of the
School Committee.
"Say, old man, I'll have to recall that
invitation gave you for dinner next
Saturday" Certainly; but, old fellow, q
hope there's nothing wrong" 20,
nothing at all; but we've suddenly taken
a notion to observe Lent at our house"
'lndeed?" Eyes. You see, I dropped
a cool $4,000 in stocks, and my wife
has discharged her cook. I'm beginning
to take an interest in religious mat
ters. "-Phtladelphia Press.
The little 2-year-old son of a grocer
was sitting in his chair near the stove,
when his father brought in Jug of
vinegar for customer. The little child
clapped his hands and said: "Whisky!
whisky?' That's very singular" re-
marked the customer. "Not at all" re-
piled the grocer. "The little fellow was
born in prohibition town where there
are no saloons, and he thinks every jue
he sees is full of whisky.-1eras Sif-
sngs:
Six natives of Oregon and one tender
foot encamped in the mountains thirty
miles from anywhere. Their provisions
were as follows: Three quart-bottles of
whisky, one demijohn of whisky, one
keg of whisky, one bottle of blackberry
brandy, one bottle of blackberry "bit-
ters, twenty-five bottles of beer, seven
loaves of bread, two pounds of cheese,
one ham. The last items in the bill of
fare were provided probably for the ten
derfoot.
Hotel Cashier-"Sorry, sir, but we do
not cash any checks" "But am from
California and have 100000 in a bank
at San Francisco Every likely, but
how are we to know thatp'' "Weil, sir,
here is the copy of an affidavit which
Miss Swillers has filed against me in
suit for breach of PROMISE 81 beg a
thousand pardons. Happy to accom-
modate you. If you run short again
during your stay just hand in your check
ut any time" 1
Attorney examining witness)-"You
say you saw the shots fired?" Witness
Yes, sir" Attorney-"How near
we're you to the scene of the affrayp"
Witness-"When the first shot was fired !
was ten feet from the shooter" At
feet. Well, now, tell the
court where you were when the second
'hot was fired" Witness-"I didn't
Measure" Attorney-"Speaking ap-
,roximately, how far should you sayb"
Witness well, it approximated to half
mile. It'd Bits.
The reverend gentleman who occupies
position on our School Board was a
ew days ago speaking before the pupils
4 one of our primary schools. In refer