Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-02-11
WIT AND HUMOR.


And bashful and blushing as the morn
The maiden we love so well.
o, very shy is the frightened hare,
And the kitten that pIrs on the mat;
But none experience half the scare
As the man with his first beaver hat
Lynn Union
Said the tramp to the policeman: Though
you sport manner airy,
Yet between us there's slight difference, ex-
cepting in conceit;
And, however you may take it, in one thing we
do not vary,
For the fact is quite apparent that we both are
on the beat"
--Roxbury Advocate.
He felt like lion when he started for home,
And a lamb when he entered the door,
For his wife was up waiting until he should
And grim was the look that she wore
II II see who's boss to the boys he had said,
As he staggered out into the gloom,
III see who's the boss of the house." and he
did
When his shoulders she famed with a broom.
Boston Courier.
DR.. Helmbold denies being insane, but
admits that one of his sons has turned
out to be a poet.-Pittsbarg Commercial
Gazette.
Lesseps financially may be able to
paddle his own canoe; but he does not
seem to make much Roadway with his
Panama dugout. -L01ceH Citizen.
$50 your wife is a CONSPICUOUS figure
in ST. Louis society. eh?n
Eyes, indeed. She weighs 500 pounds,
wears her hair cut short, and has
voice that is cross between bass
violin and boiler shop
Miss Angelina to Miss Belle, her ri
val, just now surrounded by a bevy of
admirers: 20, dear, do tell me how you
do your hair up so charmingly. What
do you do ii up onP II looks SO intellect
ual." Miss Belle, who wears her hair
high: ''Well, I'll tell you, dear. / gen.
orally do it up over brains; and Sweet
ly) ! don't think you can buy them at
the hair stores"
Undergraduates of the Leland STAN
ford Jr University in California will
labor under difficulties. For instance,
they win find it awkward to sing
Here's to good old Leland Stanford Jr.-
Drink her down.
And when they have occasion to cheer
a baseball or rowing victory it will be
hardly fashionable to spell out the name
of the college, in the manner of other
institutions. -Portland advertiser.
"My DEAR said petulant editor to
his wife. who asked him civil ques-
ton, why do you persist in disturbing
me when you see that am wrapped in
Because, she replied, I'm
afraid you'll take cold" Take cold?"
Eyes, when find you are only wrapped
in thought don't care if it is summer
time; but such covering is entirely too
thin for this season. Neoman hide
pendent.
If you detect any bitterness on our
editorial page this week you needn't be
We write while under the
dire pressure of the dengue Every
thing tastes bitter; our head aches; our
bones ache; our stomach aches; and
there is an aching void in our pocket.
1t IS hard matter to write roseate lite
nature when one feels like his Joints
were having their teeth extracted
Ga'ne$rtlie (Ga.) AdUdnce.
ANY bears about this neighbor-
hood?' asked a Batavia sportsman, as
he got off the train at a small station in
Pennsylvania While waiting for an
answer he rested his gun easily on his
arm and expectorated over his left |
shoulder. "B' arp" repeated an old set
Her. You're just in good time stran-
ger The woods is full ny EN-. Are We
arter b'ar?" Nm no, replied the
young man. "N-n-not to-day W-when |
does the n-neXt train go n-north pr
BatGuia Times
A gentleman who was habitually gull |
BY of liberties with the Queens English |
was returned rs a member for CoIoni- |
Il Parliament. Delighted with the i'm
Dortance Of his new position, he rose on |
MS maiden speech. Gentlemen" he |
said, by way of introduction, what ave |
We before the 'ouse tonight" Il think |
we have II before 'ouse gentlemen"
vas the prompt reply of a memI of the
London I0bits.
A little boy in Warrenton visited his
aunt in the country not long since. One
lay at the dinner table the lady COM
claimed that jar Of favorite preserves
lad mysteriously disappeared from the
pantry. Each one present disclaimed |
my knowledge of the fact except the |
title boy, who remained studiously 81
emit AT length he was asked if he |
Knew anything Of the missing fruit,
when he replied: Ma pa don't allow me
o talk ut the table. - Wdrrcnton (Gd.J |
Clipper.
You appear to be gay and happy"
aid Gilhooly to Kosciusko Murphy,
whom he met ut ball ut the residence
If Col. Yerger, on Austin avenue. You
ook well fed, are well dressed, and |
I'll that. Must have a good income,
Dresume?" 20. yes, replied Kosciusko,
Il can't complain. | have my salary, |
81 800; then | make $500 year by my
literary labors-that makes 81. 900; then
run in debt 81 .000-that makes 5000. |
4 single man who could not subsist on
hat ought to be ashamed of himself =
Texas SJtings.
LET me tell you" said Florence the |
lctor, ''of a story Tom Ochiltree told me |
,nce, which has never gotten into the |
newspapers. 1t was in Paris during the
empire. met him one day near the
dadelaine walking through the streets |
IS though he owned Paris. He was
glad to see me, and asked him where |
le was stopping. He pulled out his |
'heeks, Strengthened up. and cooked his
Eyes as he replied in the coolest manner
Down at the Tuileries.'
No. said l. Yes said Tom, with
,wagger. The fact is, Napoleon is busy |
md Eugene is lonesome. I take her
out nights to the theatre and parties,
you know. Nap, likes it and Tn hav-
ng a regular Texas time
Frank Brewer, a tavorite negro min
strel of olden time, walked into the bar
room of the Metropolitan one morning,
iusty and unkempt from long jour
aey. and asked for glass of brandy.
The barkeeper handed out the brandy,
and then. suspicious of Franks appear
lnce, said: 'Just pay for that before you
drink it, will you?" Frank, who was
well known in New York as any man
about town, looked up, astonished, and
stammered: 'W-w-what?" Just pay
ior that brandy before you drink it,
the bartender. "W-w-why,"
said Frank, leaning contidentially across
he counter, ''is it so im-m-mediately
i-f-fatal in its effect?' York Cit
zen
The big-hat-at-the-opera problem has
been solved in the new music-hall at
n The ho1aan,ap orn icaI