The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1886-08-28
THE FARMHOUSE BATH.
A Humorous Sketch of a Familiar
Scene.
. the CHICAGO Ledoe

A humorous Sketch OF Familiar
Scene.
From the Chicago Ledger.
The average granger takes bath in a
degree approaching thoroughness about as
often as he gives his wife money to spend
as she pleases. In fact, the facilities for
bathing at farmhouse are generally from
a quarter of mile to a days journey away,
depending somewhat on the lay Of the
country and the distance to the nearest
stream, and this may explain why farmer
sometimes makes request in his will that
he be washed from head to foot when he
is laid out. A farmer is always too busy
to waste time in nonsense, and if he had
an ocean of water in easy reach it is not
likely that he would quit work to put him
self in soak any more frequently than the
law required.
! The farmhouse bathroom is nearly al
ways in the backyard, handy to the pump,
unless there is a spring somewhere III the
neighborhood
On Sunday morning, Immediately after
breakfast, the old gentleman on whose
shoulders rests the prosperity of the nation
sets about discharging the duty he owes to
society by washing the dust out of his ears
and bringing his complexion into daylight
by the aid of soft soap and razor.
To watch farmer shave himself is one
of the most painful operations ever wit
messed outside of downright butchery
For some reason away beyond the depth of
present knowledge, the man who breads
the country always has beard like new
hair-brush, and he never could learn how
to sharpen razor.
He gets out on the back stoop with his
shaving utensils, and after rubbing the
razor over the strop in an awkward fash
ion, until whatever trace of edge he may
have had has been destroyed, he hangs up
his glass and takes up position alongside
the kitchen door, where the old lady will
be sure to jostle his arm when she goes to
empty her dish-water.
With brush that has but little handle
remaining, he manages somehow to stir up
a lot of lather from soap that would raise
blister on the bottom of boys foot in
dog days, with which he coats his face till
nothing but his eyes and the back of his
head are visible With a cob dipped in
warm water he then goes over the stubble
with vigor that makes the flesh creep,
until he feels that all reasonable precautions
for comfort in the subsequent operation
have been taken.
Taking up the razor and looking at it
suspiciously over the top of his glasses, he
runs his thumb along the edge, fails to
draw blood as he had hoped, and then with
sigh like leaving town in hurry, he
grabs himself by the nose, shuts his eyes,
and gives scrape that makes his hair stand
on end as bunch of beard seems to come
out by the roots.
But once at it, terrible desperation
seems to nerve him, and with teeth set he
goes right on with determination to get
the agony over as soon as possible. Howls
of woe break from him now and then as an
expression that poisons life steals over his
face and stays there till the last nerve has
been pulled out of socket by that terrible
razor, and the last bit of stubble has been
laid low, when, with sigh of relief, he
strikes up hymn Of thanksgiving, and
swill barrel near by.
/ don't remember that I ever saw any
one suffering with lockjaw, but have seen
farmer shave, and one sight Of that kind
is enough for lifetime to any one who has
no morbid desire to look upon suffering at
every opportunity.
And now next in order comes his regu-
lar bath. Going to the pump, which
wheezes and groans as he plies the handle
for quite a while before it seems to under
stand what is expected of it, he finally gets
a wash-dish full of water, and, placing it
on board-topped stake set in the ground
for that purpose, he rolls up his sleeves,
opens his shirt in the neck, lays back his
collar, and, with handful of soft soap
strong enough to skin a rabbit, he goes
over all the exposed parts, from his hairy
breast to the top of his bald head, and rubs
it about with as much vigor as he would
curry horse.
OF course he gets soap in his eyes, and
hops around on one leg for a bit until his
wife can run out with towel and restore
his vision, but that he expects anyway, and
is not more than ordinarily disturbed about
it. He then splashes himself with water
until he begins to feel something like
ChrlSIlan, anu letS IL 90 at tnaG
After trying to dry himself with a mus
lin towel that does nothing but make his
face and neck feel slippery, he stands
around in the sun growing 70 the hired
man about the weather until the residue
of soap still on his hide has got dry enough
to begin to draw like blister, when he
goes into the house and puts on lot of
Sunday clothes that makes him feel like
highwayman in trouble and look like a
martyr rushed with business as he sets out
for church, where, in the slumber of the
just that soon comes to him, he forgets all
his earthly troubles.
If the conservative granger happens to
get religion, and it drifts him toward the
Baptist church, he stands chance of get
ting wet all over without being caught
out in the rain, but if he lives and dies
sinner his prospect for blessedness is good
deal stronger than the probability of en-
feebling his system by excessive bathing.
n