The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-09-02
WIT AND HUMOR,
THR WANTS OF A MODERATE MAN.

bakers or candle-stick makers. but N Il /
fine brown-stOne surrounded by statues.
and set III lawn of some fOrty-Sevcn /
acres.
Applause for dear clothing was not worth the /
winning, he desired no wardrobe Of pur- |
pie or linen; but he didn't wish 10 go at |
tired like a sailor, or dress i'll uniform |
suit like jailer; and all that he wished |
was some two dozen changes made |
up in good style by fashionable tailor. |
He wished no rich viands to gladden. his pep |
tics, or cOddle his stomach like chronic |
dyspeptics; but he wished cuisine
and French cook to cater, a profession |
al expert. no commonplace waiter no
statuesque, boarding house, imbeciIe
bungier to scatter his chaos of pie and
potato.
He wished no small army of liveried depend
ents, no uniformed lackeys and cring-
ing attendants; but he didn't wish to live
like hermit or miser, but in plentiful
leisure as better and wiser; and some
twenty servants and forty good walters
would make life worth living for him
Lynn Union.
An English burlesquer-Miss Mont
sir; there are no clothes
in those trunks. carry my costumes
in this satchel." Officer-''And what
do the trunks contain. them" Miss
Montmorenci-"My press notices. .
Rambler.
MIR. Pauper Cheek-Doctor, what's
my bill? Doctor-Well, Mr.. Cheek, l
understand you are poor, and I've made
up my mind not to charge you any
thing. MIR. P. C.-Thats all right
enoughi But what l want to know is
who is going to settle the druggists
billP-Pittsburg Chronicle.
{ '.Are we all herep" inquired Mr.. Bru-
tai Jones of his landlady the other
morning at the breakfast-table. Il
think so, ne-two-three- e-four-yes,
you are all here / believe" and she
smiled sweetly; "whye" Nothing
much; only l see by the morning
papers that human skeleton was pick
ed up Just outside Of the city limits..'
The smile vanlshed-Merchant IraUet-
Rr.
In the police court: Judge-'Stand
up prisoner. What is your name and
ageP" Prisoner-''Is it possible that
your honor does not recognize me?
Your honor has seen me fully dozen
times before" Judge Surprised why
nor Prisoner with condescension)-
..Ah. well, it does not surprise me.
Since l have changed the cut of my
beard none of my friends recognize me. ="
French Joke.
Mrs. B. is one of those energetic,
aforementioned women who carry their
work by assault One day she had
started across the room on some errand,
but midway forgot what it was. "What
was i going fOr?" she asked aloud.
Two-year-old, seated on the floor and
always liable to be swept up In one of
her mothers hurricane passages, asked
meekly: '.Was-oo-goin'-
Chicago LiUing Church.
Illustrating the uncertainty as to
What Chicago might not attempt to ac-
complish, Prot. Fisk, in his recent ad-
dress at the Boston ministers meeting,
eeierred to an Irish physician who,
making q speech in the country when
slightly under the influence of evil
spirits, said: I'VE have been lying all
along about the growth of Chicago, but
Chicago has got ahead of our lying. "
Boston Congregationalist.
An Atlanta, Ca. reporter, who once
''pulled a hand-press" on a country
weekly. tells this: lone day while the
paper was being worked off man from
tine country came in and walked all
around the room, finally stopping near
the press and watching the work very
earnestly. Anything l can do for
you?" asked the man at the lever, paus-
Sng between impressions. NAV" was
the reply, Il don't want nothin', jist
came in to see We edit"
The other evening the little daughter
of a congressman was paying visit nj
q neighbours. and the respective moth
ers were talking of physical ailments
and their remedies. After while the
little girl saw an opportunity to make d
remark. my papa" she said, ''always
drinks whisky when he is sick" Then
she stopped for a minute. her eyes
softened and saddcned, and sne con.
.tinued slowly: "And poor papa is sick
nearly all the time. Washington Critic
Country editor 1--WE give you "a
nickel watch and the weekly Clarion
for one year for So. Mr.. Smith. ," Mr.
iSmith-"How much for the watch with
out the Cldrion?" Country editor
THE retail price of the watch alone is
g." Mr. Smith-..Well, l guess II
take one of the watches" Country edi
tor-'.But it will cost you dollar moro
than if you included the paper" Mr.
Smith-.Yes, l know. But l dom
mind the extra expense. .'-NeD YOrl
Times.
H J.
"A farmer slapped down $50 on thu
counter and proudly remarked: There
the last dollar l owe on my farm. ant
/ am now entitled to a deed" ''Yor
must feel goodP" observed Bostor
man who was in the bank on business
81 do" '.And you will now go aheaC
with better spiritP" Il will now tax
the deed. and go over to the loan oflic
and mortgage the durn land for what
can and skip" was the feeling reply
Wall Street Neaos.
A citizen of Detroit has had his faitl
lin human nature rudely shaken. On
20 day when the rain was falling fast h
saw young man and young woman
padding through the wet. umbrellaless
He was near his own door. So, witt
rare philanthropy, he thrust his sill
umbrella into the hand of the astonish
ed young man, saying: Take this; yOV
have lady with you. You can brin,
it back tomorrow to that house there.
The young man took the umbrell
and the good citizen of Detroit hasn
seen it since.
please. sir, will you buy ticket fo
the Cedar Street Church strawberry fes
<ival? They're only % cents" said ;
little mite of a girl to a gentleman sit
ting on tho piazza of Swan stree
Boarding house the other afternoon
rendering him square of yellow paste
board as she spoke. I'm sorry, but Tn
going out of town, and will not be abl'
to attend" replied the good-natureC
man, desirous of avoiding a point-blanl
refusal. Il have some 10-cent ticket
for those who can't attend" promptl
responded the quick-witted solicitor
She went out Of the gate dime richer
Buffalo Courier.
I make it a rule not to chronicl,
children's sayings, but have just re
ceived one from England that is S,
good that for once / will break M
rule The 4-year-old daughter of one G
our peeresses was passing church il
London the other day as a weddin
party came out. She announced to he
nurse that she intended some day to b
married. The nurse rebuked her 70
mentioning such an improper subject a
matrimony, and told her it was quit
on the cards that she might neve
marry 20, but l must marry" II
piled the child. II must have a fathe
Tor my children. ."-FoWn Topics.
A worthy musician of Boston by ovel
work had induced an attack of dyspel
sia. On going to a physician he wa
advised TO take a tonic. Two month
altar the doctor met him and askeC