The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1886-09-01
flashfs Of fun.

-"Ihe o important thing in
connection with a house is the haul"
remarked the burglar.
Truth is mighty, but doesn't
prevail here" is what a Philadelphia
man has tackled above his gas meter.
The thing to say now of an ignor-
anus is that he don't know on which
side his bread is oleomargarined.
-'Those who use our goods are
very much attached to them" is
what a porus-plaster company adver-
tises.
A Kansas boy earned a nice BIZ
BILE by committingt ten hundred verses
TO memory, and then he traded his
Bible for a shotgun, and accident
ally shot his aunt.
"A Nevada hunter spent three
months looking for a grizzly bear,
and the mans relatives have spent
three months looking for him. They
think he must have found the bear.
Lila M. Cushman, the poetess,
says: "My back is almost broken
with this weary, weary load" She
ought to make her husband carry
up the coal.
-"Bees unquestionably possess
the power of memory" says the sci
entiic writer. So does the man on
whose neck bees happen to hold a
caucus.
-"How can you think of calling
auntie stupid? Go to her immedi-
ately and tell her you are sorry for
it." Freddie goes to %auntie, and says:
"Auntie, [ am real sorry you are so
stupid"
-"Now," said the bridegroom to
the bride, when they returned from
the honeymoon trip, ''let us have a
clear understanding before we settle
down to married life; are you to be
president or vice-president of this
concern?" II want to be neither
president nor vice-president," she
answered; II will be content with a
subordinate position" "What is
that? "Comptroller of the cur
rency."
This happened one evening re-
Gently, not a thousand miles from
Cambridge. Two tricyclers CHANGED
to halt by the roadside for a brief
rest just as a group of Irish laborers
were passing on their way home
from work. Attracted by the bright,
new machines, two of the men
paused a moment to look at them.
off you only had a TRICYCLE.; Pat"
said one of the 'cyclers to the nearer
of the men, "you could ride to and
from your employment" With a
contemptuous look at the combina-
ton of man and wheels, Pat said,
"Do you think / come from the ould
country to drive a donkey-cart, be-
dad, and be me own horse?"
"A burglar was going through a
house in a Dakota town n night
and discovered an exceptionally large
roll of money. Curious to know
whether he had broken into an edit
or's house or that of some other va
riety of capitalist, he turned to the
owner, who had just awakened, and
said:
excuse me, Colonel, but | would
like to inquire how you came by
such an unusually large wad of
Wealth.
"Sir!!" replied the moneyed man,
II am a member of the territorial
legislature"
"a thousand pardons!' exclaimed
the polite burglar. dropping the
money. "Shake! We never steal
from members of the profession.
Good night!"-EsteUine Bell.
-"Well, well, Jonathan, is this
RELY you? Never would O knowed
you. Don't think I've seed you afore
in ten years. How's the world sarved
you, anyhow, Jonathan?'
"Bad enough, bad enough replies
Jonathan, shaking his head sadly.
"Sence 1 see you last I've lost my
wife an three children, had my leg
broke, my house TUX fire an burnt
clean down, my Jarsey bull died, the
bank l had my few savins' in busted,
an last year l got married again.
I've had my full sheer of Affections,
| hev, Silas."
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