The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-08-14
THE DUDE AVENGED.
Queer Antics of Brand New Nickel
Plated, Lightning Creased Bicycle.

u
Plated, Lightning Creased Bicycle.
always did despise dude, and
when l saw one glide swiftly by on his
magnificent nickled bicycle, made up
my mind that any one could master the
art without previous preparation. I'M
mediately proceeding to put my theory
to test selected the public road for
my experiment. Expecting to take
quite long journey l filled my pockets
with crackers and cheese for refresh
ments by the way. Placing my foot on
the machine Ihopped along what con-
sidered was a proper distance, and
then made spring for the saddle. My
aim was not true. | miscalculated the
distance by about foot, and lighted
upon the fore-part of the saddle with
my knees well braced against the
handles. The commotion that followed
could not have been greater if / had
touched off He'll Gate with a parlor
match. l Immediately discovered that
this particular bicycle had never been
broken to saddle. | wasn't clear but l
had mounted circular saw under full
Roadway. | started to fall about three
minutes before eleven o'clock, and |
noticed afterward that my watch had
stopped two minutes after that
hour. l threw myself back, but the
bicycle met me half way, totally dis
regarding the injunction to ''never
kick man when he's going down
hill" 1t was plainly to be seen that
it had taken the bit in its teeth. 1t
wobbled from side to side to get me of
my guard; then the pedals played
skinny" with my legs. l had shut
my eyes after the first jump, and was
Tainly trying to touch bottom with my
feet, but was beyond my depth. The
suspense between the time 1 began to
fall and the time | arrived at a perma-
nent location, caused me to lose ten
pounds. 1t was a short spell of sick
ness, but my constitution suffered ter
ribly. l wasn't hungry, and kind O.
wished l hadn't taken provisions for so
long journey. | wanted to 60 home,
but the bicycle couldn't spare me. |
tried my old game of smiling to regain
my composure. l didn't smile exactly
in the middle, and the machine began
to career toward the left. | instantly
shifted my piece of chewing gum to
the right side of my mouth, but that
was too much ballast on that side.
The small wheel kicked up little
right here Just to let me know it was
still with me and didn't want any fool
ishness. | was in the enemy's country
and was completely surrounded. The
ice wagon went by and l tried to call
for help. | didn't have breath
enough left to swear. In my efforts
to keep on both sides of the perpen-
dicular at once. l had twisted the
head of my collar button off. The tenn
perature had risen seven degrees the
first two minutes after | cut loose from
Mother Earth, and l could hear the
cheese in my pockets beginning to fry
All was life and motion and the bicvcle
was very nervous. | was afraid the
band might strike up and make mat
tiers worse. felt that my seat was
contested and that | must soon ego to
the country" From the topmost curve
of one of the bicycles springs caught
bird s-eye view of outlying counties,
and painted for change of air and
scenery. Why didn't some one throw
me a rope. No one went for a doctor;
l suppose because they considered the
case hopeless. | was conscious that |
was the great central attraction, but
painfully realized that | spread over
too much ground to exhibit under one
canvass. Slowly the minutes wore on
but wasn't losing any time. had a
certain amount of work to do before |
struck the ground. There was diver
sity of opinion as to what l was trying
to accomplish Some thought | was
boring for an artesian well, while others
thought it was a scene from Da-
kota blizzard. | now became aware
through every fiber of the bicycle
steel anatomy that it was gathering up
its forces for one final grand act of eX-
termination. | wished | had been q
little more regular in my attendance at
Sunday-school, then looked for q fire
escape, but it had no such attachment.
Concentrating all its inherent wicked
ness into one mighty boost, intimating
that it had no further use for me, | took
the hint, left the saddle and winged
my way toward the azure. | had a
round-trip ticket and came back on the
down grade with all the gathered force
of my past five minutes exercise.
Scooping out ditch along the road
side with my shoulder led bystander
to remark that was working out my
road tax. When got to the end of
the furrow the large wheel rolled over
me, the smaller wheel turned hand
spring over the larger one and knocked
my hat over my eyes; then the entire
machine laid down on me, while the
dude with the placid countenance and
unruffied brow rolled silently BY
Sober Sam, in Peck'S Sur.
The Paper Tree of Tonkin.