Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1886-05-29
CATCHING A HUSBAND.


Incidents and Anecdotes OF the civil
Var" Admiral Porter relates that while
ascending the Mississippi to join Farra.
ut before vlcksburg, he was frequently
red upon from the shore.
On one occasion, after having been
ihellcd from the bank, and wishing to
earn the name Of the place and Other
ietails, he captured two men who were
.rossing the river In q dugout. They
we're coarsely dressed In llnsey-woolsey
wore SLOUGH hats, and had the appearance
II laborers.
They admitted having lived oil their
lives In Connecticut. and to have only
come to the South two years before
they were, however, stauhch ''Sesesh.'
After considerable conversation Admiral
Porter said:
"And do you mean to toll me that
YOU two gentlemen, after living in your
native State twenty.nine and twenty.
seven years respectively, after forming
he dearest ties and associations, can
come South, and In two short years be
won over by these people--ono Of you by
hiring his cart, the other for don't know
what?"
Wall, Kurnell," said Mr.. Potter, "you
words il wasted on me; II you had mar
ried wildcat widder. with wildcat dar.
tor sixteen years old, an jeff Davis q
backin' on 'em up, you wouldn't q stood
out IN hour. I stuck 1t out for three
days an nights. slttin' out In the rain,
before became q Confed'rit."
Yes" interrupted Mr.. Opdyke. "the
ole woman KEEP double-barrel gun
handy for him. an says che, Jake, don't
you move till you're ready to become
one OF us, or I'll work some buttonholes
in your dam Yankee caroaso"
"And what made you surrender, Mr.
Potter" inquired.
why" replied that worthy, when Zeks
he como over to fetch me some whisky
my ole woman she run out and smashed
the bottle over Zeke's head, an then
when was most starved an begged fol
suthin' to eat, she sent me bowl O. hot
water with O chicken feather In It,
Thar says she, that ERE chicken soup
Is all you'llgit till you hist the Confed' rit
flag SO had to cave In. Zeke can tell
you what I went through with; you
know 1t by tho cut Of your tib."
On being asked how he came to marry
such woman, Mr.. Potter professed his
inability to rehearse the narrowing tale,
unless he had 20 drink OF w'isky." Some
vinegar bitters" being ordered for him.
which the newly-nedged Confederate
characterized as ''real ole Union, on nc
mistake" Mr.. Potter still preferred that
his comrado. "Zeke," should tell the
story.
Yes" said his friend, ''just as soon a,
get mouthful of them bltters to sustain
mo while relate that melancholy
story ov your Margin that burned al
ligator. as goes cavortin' round the hous,
rs II she owned all the guancr islands II
the Pacific Ocean.
well, you must know, Kurnel, m'
an Jake was hired hands on Mrs. Rump
kins's place. We was hired the day oil,
Pumpkins died to help handle the coffin
an two weeks arter hearln that CIR
OF hers say. Ma, I'm tired . totin' woot
an feedin the COW. On We must have {
man ter do It,
/" well.' said Mrs. Pumpkins. hahn
we got two men7 Make one Of EN- tot,
wood: they kin do it when they comes K
their meals '--~.-
al asked ono q 'em, said Belle, an
he tolo mo he'd 500 me burned first. W,
don't want that kind OF O man, ma
We want married man. We can d.
rs we please with a good-natered fellel
like old pop, who can't got away IL w
crowd him. You must marry Jake OF
Zeke. II you don't will, an I'd like to
hear him say then he'll see me durned
first
You're crazy. Belle, says the ole
catamount. Your pops only dead two
wccks. an you want me to marry agin.'
80 Well, thon.' says Belle. say thre.
weeks, an bring him to the halter, for
amt a goin' to tote wood. nor feed nc
more cow after that
Well, agree to that. says old Mrs
Pumpkins.
"'Cos II you DON'T says Belle, I'll
marry one on en- myself, on we'll see
whose mistress then
II wish you could a seen how Mrs
Pumpkins laid out her lines. You seen a
cat n watchin' canary bird. aln't youi
how tho critter crawls up and purs soft
~ Jews harp. an then you seen the
little bird jumpin' round all In twitter,
an how at last, when the canary clines
with its claws to the wires OF its cage,
Mrs. Cat grabs him, an he's goner.
That's the way Mrs. Pumpkins done.
Says she. Belle. I'll Jake Jake. don't
like that other Teller; he eats too much,
an Ill get rid Of him. So she piled II
sweet on Jake until no didn't know his
alphabet from the multiplication table,
An tnon she laSSOOed him. You seen ON
catch cattle In Texas? They have long
larlat, IN throw 1t over the critter 5
horns. goin' full split, and bring him up
all standln'. Now Mrs. Pumpkins uses
her long oily tongue for q lariat, an SO
wound 1t round Poor Jake no couldn't q
tole who he was then, when he was quiet
as All ole horse with a cart-lode Of bricks
behind him. she marches him off u
Squire Spanker's Office.
a. Here. Squire, says she. 'ls man
wot owes me a reparation, an I'll pay the
80 fur the marriage ceremony. an here 3
the same ring as poor. dear Pumpkins
put on my finger. an I'll use 1t agin.
This ere Teller Is Yank, an / want him
to see that he can't come down here an
win the affections OF a lone wilder, an
then go off an larf at her.
a. Well, sir. says the Squire TO Jake,
what have you got to say to these here
charges?'
80 Dunno. says Jake.
80 Well. then. stan up an DO married,
or else be drafted into the Confed rit
army says the Squire. SO they was
married. then an there. an the widder
TUX his arm an toted him home, an, says
she: Now. Jake. afore you get a bit o
w aAdd On Ia. toto In, a g. a