The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1886-04-16

An uptown man sent % cents to
learn how to make $50 week at home
working on a capital of 81. and re-
ceived the following printed slip: Fish
for fools, as ! do. Butler (Pa.) Citizen.
Professor "Does my question trouble
you, STRIP Student-''No, sir, not at all.
But am little in doubt how to frame
my answer SO as to give you the precise
information for which you seem to
ask"
'In Portland, Ore, the fire depart
mcnt engines will be provided with
shoes, so that they can run as sleighs
to fires and make'better time" And to
protect their ''hose," probably.-Boston
Post.
English Importation: 'Miss Fanny, if
you will consent to be Mrs. 'Arrison,
nothing will be wanting to make our
'appiness complete" Miss Fanny: "You
forgot one thing" +. l.: "What is itp"
Miss Fanny: San H"-Puck.
Thoughtful young lady Ito college
graduate)-"Who, in you opinion, Mr..
Muscle, was the.noblest Roman of them
alp" College graduate-'I used to
think Hanlan was. but wouldn't bet
cent on any of 'em now."-Neao York
Sun.
"Some one has invented theatre-hat
that shuts up to be worn by the ladies'.
That's all right. Now let some party
invent something that will hold q young
man in his seat between the acts, and
two nuisances will be abated.- Norris
toUn Herald.
Cornell manners: Illustrated lecture
on general chemistry. Professor-"I
will not treat, etc." Smith (who has
been doing under the influence of re-
cent rotations, half-aroused by the
familiar sound)-"Good FIR you, OF
boy. Cornell Era.
Magistrate-"What is the plea of the
prisoner at the bar, charged with being
implicated in the Roberts safe-robberyP"
Prisoner-'I beg leave to state, your
Honor, that | was there, but simply Us u
tool for others" Prisoners counsel-''I
would explain to the court that my
clients name is Jimmy. Tdbits.
Wife-"Well, Ned, what do you think
Charlie wants nowP He asked me to-
day if wouldn't help him tease you to
buy him bicycle" Indulgent father
(who once had ambitions himselD-
''Bicycle? Nonsense The boy can't
have it. Tell him to 60 up in the attic,
and fall down two flights of stairs. 1t
will be just about the same thing, and
save me 800. "-SOmcrvilIe Journal.
The Squire of an English hamlet had
just bestowed an aims. upon village
mendicant. MAY the Lord give your
soul Il place in heaven!'' exclaimed the
grateful beggar Thank We, Thomas,
thank ye," said the Squire. Encouraged
by this appreciation the beggar went on
fervently: MAY He give it place in
Heavcn-ay, this very night. Hold!
Thomas" said the alarmed Squire;
"you needn't have been so particular
to name the date. "-BaptiSt Weekly.
The Sprite, q four-page monthly pub
lished in Utica, n. Y.-size 2 by in
ches-has the following sound leading
editorial: "School Discipline-To keep
n boy after school is very bad for his
health as he does not get enough OF out
door exercise. After n while he becomes
morbid then runs away from home and
ends by committing suicide which is
Moral-Dont Keep Boys After School.
p. S.-Thc editors of this paper never
get kept after school but say this out of
pity for those who do"
At Federal Point, Fla, lately num-
Der of the village wiseacres were assem-
bled in front of the post-oifice when q
couple of ancient wrecks, called oxen
through courtesy, came into sight. A
young man who was present recognized
friends of his infancy in the skeleton
approaching and exclaimed in excited
tones. 'Why, there is old Buck and
Jerryr One of the bystanders. taking
look at the turnout, said We'll, /
don't know which is Jerry, but Buck
looks bad."-DetroH Free Press.
Nine. X, who has never been outside
of Montmartre, has the innocent fault of
trying to maze her acquaintance. be-
lieve that she has travelled all over
Europe. ''When you were at Venice, J"
inquiries n visitor one day to whom she
was telling the story of her travels, ''did
you see the lion of ST. Mark'sp" ''Did
/ see himr' replied she. What ques-
ton! Why, saw him at the very mo-
ment when they were giving him his
dinner, and gave him piece of meat
myself!'' Tableau.-PariS Figaro.
Two little Belvidere children engaged
in q mild quarrel, when one said to the
other reprovingly: You're naughty
boy, Johnny, and you'll have to sit on
Gods left hand" Johnny repealed the
insnuation, but his companion insisted
that he had offended to q degree that
made him deserve that punishment, and
that he would surely receive it. "Well,
anyway" said Johnny, 81 won't have
to sit on Gods left hand o great while
just for that; and then He'll reach
round behind Him and snake me round
to his right side. "-Loo0eU Times.
Wife (reading the paper-"Well, ]
declare, if that isn't the queerest thing ]
ever heard Of" Observation-Disclosures
thatp" Wife-"Why, here in the paper
is an account of wedding up in Man
chester, and among the wedding pres
ents was bull-terrier given to the bride
nv ber fothern Husband-"I don't see