The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-05-15
MELoDIoUS SNORING.
The Awe-Inspiring NightSPerformances of
MY Dearest Friend.

| friends snore is like himself, whole
souled, self-satisfied, unctuous, able
bodied-in fact, the kind of snore that
leaves absolutely nothing to the mag
nation. In my opinion my friends
snore is not equaled in this part of the
country, and ought to know for I've
sat up with it nearly every night since
| it was shrill treble snore in knee
pants, watched over it with more or
less tender solicitude during the trying
period in which its voice changed and
its mustache sprouted, and celebrated
its arrival at the fullness of its deep
baritone maturity by congratulating
the other members of my friends
family upon their fatal connection with
steamboat explosion early in the
fifties. / say l have sat up with my
| friends snore all these years out of re-
gard for the truth. My friend and |
have always roomed together and
always occupied the same bed. but
never slept together; he slept, but |
didn' t; lay awake to hear him snore.
My temperament is artistic in the ex-
IRENE. Nothing inspires in me such
profound reverence as a thoroughly
perfect and artistic achievement of any
kind, therefore nothing could induce
me to fall asleep during the progress of
the symphony which my friend nightly
performs in his nasal organ. symphony
is good word. 1t defines the situation
exactly. My friends snore is not, like
that of ordinary individuals, series
of aimless vibrations of the uvula;
it has an object in view. 1t is SYM
metrical and well-regulated perform
ance-curtain rises to slow music,
and when the climax is reached, curtain
falls in blaze of green light with
plenty of thunder and lightning, Each
performance consists of one act only,
which invariably commences about an
hour after my friend has retired and
continues till his alarm clock has
awakened him to a remembrance of
those minor duties which the day de-
mands of him.
The steamboat explosion above re-
ferred to is the circumstance which
brought all these facts within my grasp.
On account of this painful incident, my
friend, at the tender age of three and a
half years, became an orphan Unable
to penetrate the misty veil of the future,
my father, who happened along at the
time of the explosion, did not leave the
boy to perish among the debris of the
Inflated boat and worse-fated passen-.
gers, but fshed him out and warmed
him in the bosom of his family. Thus
at tender age we were thrown to-
gether, and despite the orphans in
trinity, which was not long in coming
to the surface, we became firm friends
The scenes of our youth were the
rolling prairies and virgin forests
of Minnesota, and our companions,
from necessity, chosen from the youth
of the neighboring friendly bands of
Sioux and Winnebagoes. Ere we were
out of our teens the pipe of peace we had
smoked with these bands was broken
into a thousand pieces and the frag-
ments drenched with blood. The blow
came without moment warning, and
the day before it fell will still be vivid
in our memories where recollections of
other days have vanished. How dis,
tinctly | recall each incident of that
memorable day as, now at midnight
rccline on one elbow and gaze upon the
face of my snoring friend! The curtain
has just risen. and more plainly than
words, the pleased expression on my
friends face, and the peculiar gurgling
cackle which apparently issues from
the neighborhood of his epiglottis, re-
calls to my mind wigwam on the bank
of river. am reclining in the shade
while my friend amuses himself by tax
ing various liberties with the embryo
warriors in different stages of nakedness
and dirtineSs, who swarm about the
wigwam. At one a. m. the pleased eX-
preston is still on my friend face, but
he has drawn out another stop and the
windows begin to rattle cheerfully. AS
plainly as can view the phenomena go
ing on in the region of my friend s larynx
my minds eye sees him seize one of the
dirtiest of the young savages, and hold
ing him by the heels, souse him, kick
ing and whooping, in the river. At
three a. m. the occasional bits of plas-
ter which fall from the ceiling, again
freshen my memory, and see dis
tinctly the fast and furious fun my
friend is having with the little savages
on the river bank. For an instant
something seems to stick in my friend S
throat. Hei is pulling out another stop.
The pans and plates in the kitchen rat
tie in sympathy with the result, and the
expression of my friends face becom-
ing more serious, notice an ill-favored
squaw emerge from the wigwam brand
ishing huge knife. Another stop and
the loud pedal. Bless me, how the bed
groans and the foundations of the house
tremble! Then scowling braves follow
the squaw and draw their knives. My
friend suddenly realizes his danger and
flies, pursued by the braves with drawn
knives. Good Heavens! My friend
entire anatomy must be lined with
boiler iron! The savages are gaining
on nina chrome is shaken from its
moorings on the wall. My friend
stumbles-he falls--the savages are
upon him!
The alarm clock goes off and the cur.
tain falls.
II feel as though I'd been dream
ing" my friend mutters, as he gets
into his trousers. | answer him not 8
word, but sink exhausted on my pillow
and sleep the sleep of the innocent til
the sun is high in the heavens.-Curti;
j. DunhGnl, IN Current.
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