The Warner sun. (Warner, Brown Co., Dakota [S.D.]) 1885-1???, 1886-01-08

ny tnat is u~nuenlaDly lre-prOyOkIng,
rave year after year of ''angel forms,D
''tender-daffodils,n and efthe flowers
that bloom in the spring. Still the
sanguinary methods confessedly adopt
ed by the comic editor can not but be
deprecated by all truly Christian and
peace-loving persons; and it would
seem that some means by which he
might rid himself of his prosecutors
could surely be devised without resort
being had to mayhem, homicide, and
kindred crimes.
Such a means has been afforded by the
recent invention of Prof. Grimkopf, of
Boston. For a long time past, it appears,
the professor has had the eye of science,
SO to speak, turned on the poet and 9TH
ers Of his race, and to his enlightened
mind the bulldog and the trap door have
seemed but crude and brutal methods
unworthy of the civilization of the age.
One day he came across the story in a
local newspaper of a merchant who had
succeeded in Kidding himself of the i'm
portunities of a swarm of female book
~canvassers by a somewhat novel and in
genious method: Whenever the mer-
chant in question heard a female voice
behind him exclaiming in dulcet strains:
Wont you please look at this beautiful
illustrated work in nine-nine parts, only
20 cents apart?" he would surreptitious-
ly let loose a number of mice deity con-
cealed in a cage beneath his desk. The
success of the scheme, it was recorded,
even surpassed expectation. Linking
this idea with the scarecrow of the rural
districts, Professor Grimkopf arrived at
the deduction that if the unwelcome Wis
itor could be disposed of by a moral in
stead Of a physical shock a decided step
in advance would have been attained.
Following out this train of thought, he
was inspired to an invention which will
Individually prove of the highest value.
This invention consists of an apparatus
capable of evolving an apparition some
what similar to that which might be pro-
duced by means of a magic lantern and
a canvas Its workings are described
as follows: A poet enters the editors
sanctum. The latter, %concealing his
hatred in the consciousness of his tri-
umph, softly, almost unctuously, re-
marks: 'Poet, sir? All, pleased to see
you! Married or single, sir?" If the
ROCb IIiul IILulS bdiiU llG 10 clll2UC bIC COIlllC
editor forthwith sets in motion an at
tachment on the right hand side of his
desk, and Immediately there appears on
the wall facing the poet the l~ife-Size
figure of Mr.. John l.. Sullivan, in alarm
ingly pugilistic attitude, with the words
~emblazoned above his head: 1.-The fight
ing editor is in" The terror inspired
by this apparition has been demonstrate
ed to be fully as effective in leading to a
poets disappearance as if a trap-door
were actually opened beneath his feet.
The comic editors ends thus attained
without any approach to battery or
bloodshed. If, on the other hand, the
poet reply that he is married, the comic
editor applies himself to an attachment
to the left of his desk, and instantly
there is an apparition of a fierce mother
in-law, with a wintry and sarcastic smile,
from whose ghostly mouth are to be seen
issuing the words: II have come TO
pay a nice, long visit, dear" This APP
partition is declared to be even more eff
fective than the preceding one. In one
instance in which the test was applied, it
was attended by striking results. The
| victim casting one Mortified glance at
the apparition, rushed precipitately to-
ward the stairs, and clearing them at a
bound, disappeared, and, strange to say,
has never been heard of since.
Prof. Grimkopf's invention, it is UNI
derstood, is capable of being applied to
other branches of life besides the coming
newspaper offices. Apparitions suitable
to protecting the head of a public de-
partment against the pertinacious office
seeker and the merchant against the
wiles of the book women can, it is an
nounced, be furnished on application.
Private residences even are to be pro
tected, and the apparition of a tramp at
work is declared to be specially eff
cacious against lusty mendicants. The
invention can scarcely fail to net its
owne7 a large fortune, and it is now to
be hoped that the reader of the comic
newspaper will no longer be shocked by
reading of poets being hurled through
trap-doors, or of their being torn to
pieces by the cruel fangs of the editorial
bulldog. brooklyn Eagle.