Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1886-03-04
WIT AND HumoR

disarminga lunatic. thereby saving
other lives. 1t was close call,
though Later advices show that tho
lunatic was armed with an accordion.
There is q woman in Canton. China.
whose soles are so small that she can
stand on q silver dollar. That's moth
ing. We have seen men in this coun-
try whose souls are so small that they
can stand on 10 cents.-Binghampton
Republican.
Said the magistrate to an actress:
"Your profession, mademoiselle"
"Artiste." ''Your agep" "Twen ty-
two." usher. you can now swear
the lady to tell the truth, the whole
truth; and nothing but tho truth. "
Paris Figaro.
Customer (seating himself in bar
ber's chair)-"Fine weather we are
having" Barber-'Ycs. sah." Gus.
tomer-..Feels little like rain" Bar
ber-"Scuse me, sab, but de boss
doan low us to gage in conversation
duriu' business houhs."
A-"Jane. bring mo bottle OF Bur-
gundy." B-'And me a bottle Of
Erlauer." C-"Aud me bottle of
O!ener." DIANE, I'll take bottle
of Voslauer Jane Burgundy,
Elauer, Ofener. Voslauer; right, gen.
tlemen! CAT the bar)-Martin, four
pints red!
Near Austin, New, recently, the
Pluto Indians killed squaw and her
child because she could talk French.
II she talked French like the average
American French scholar, you couldn't
blame the Piutes for feeling aggrieved,
though possibly they were unnecessa-
rily re.-Boston Transcript
Cant you give me another pail to
put your milk IMP" said the milkman
to the girl the other morning. "Why,
what's the matter with that one you've
got in your handP' 'Why, it leaks.
I want one that's watertight." The
girl went to get one. but she thought
much as she Yonkers States-.
man.
A Buffalo woman's pet canary was
killed by a rat, so she caught the de-
stroyer, put it in the cage and starved
it to death, rousing it up from time to
time, with red-hot knittihg-needle or
q squirt of vitriol. When, after six
days of agony, the rat was dead, she
wept because it could be tortured no
longer.
If all the letters Of Carlyle and EN-
erson had been stolen, and not only
stolen but burned, good deal of ill
natured croaking and vast amount
of metaphysical stuff of no practical
use to anybody would have been de-
stroyed, and the world would not have
lost anything of value. -New Albany
(Ind. } Ledger.
Remember those chickens you sold
me Saturday." Certainly" "Spring
chickens. weren't theyp" "Of course.
What was the matter with themp'
20, nothing. The springs were all
there, only I wanted to tell you that
the next time ! want pair Of rubber
springs. Wire springs are too much
for my blood. ."--Rhtladelphia Call.
Ouray was never so gay: Butchers
all indicted; tin horns on the fly; edit
ors enjoying weekly roundup; mar
ried men in the hills; mashers working
double shifts; parlor picnics seven
nights in the week; beer two-for-a-
quarter; moonlight strolls; pie three
times day; and fifty-fve tons of ore
per diem coming down from the hills.
Blessed Ouray!- Ouray (Col) Solid
Maldoon.
.Postmaster-''So you want place
in the fast-delivery Department." Ap-
plicant-"Yes, sir. My delivery was
always pronounced not only fast, but
remarkably effective" 1--WE want an
effective delivery, of course. Where
did you get your deliveryp" SIN the
box" ''The box!" (with dazed air).
Eyes. ! pitched two years for the
Red Stockings. "-Philadelphia Call
We beg the indulgence Of our read
ers for shortcomings for the last few
weeks. Have been physically disor-
ganized by having had a wagon roll
across our troubled Uranium, and by
having experienced the lusty blows Of
Georgia mule sprinkled up and
down our back. Had a narrow escape
for our life. We promise, however,
not to be guilty Of the like soon, Deo
volente. - Lincolnton (Ga.) News.
The conversation turned to Niagara,
and one Of them observed:
''Yes, it is wonderful sight. / re-
member the first time ] went there. 1t
was some twenty years ago, and the
first evening was walking
''You were walking, were youp"
ssYes. what of itp'f
''Oh, nothing, but | didn't have to
walk until the second day. San
Francisco Alta.
He didn't seem to respect Guzzleby
Charlie, I'm afraid that if Guzzleby
doesn't stop drinking soon he'll have
snakes in his boots" ..Pm not"
..Why notp'' why, there isn't
snake in the world that hasn't more
sef-respect than to be seen in his COM
pany." ..Ah, but you know delirium
tremens is only an affection Of the
mind" Then I'm sure Guzzleby
won't have 'em."
. A friend tells a story of one Mr..
R., who delighted in the false claim
that he s.was on terms" with all the
famous members Of the litcrati. One
evening at social gathering a young
lady engaged Mr.. R. in converse
tion about books and authors.
did you know George Sandp" the
young lady asked.
Know George Sandp Should say /
did. We used to room together. y
Washington Repnblic.
Col. Bluegrass (of Kentucky)
What's the matter with that friend Of
yours you introduced me to this morn
Ing, Robinsonp Is he crazyP
Robinson Crazyp Certainly not