The Irish standard., 1886-05-15
STANDARD" BREVITIES.

AGoe,1Es OF BASE BALL.
The base ball season had begun,
Witt Bill its woes and all its fun.
And William Piley took each day
A couple of hours for practice play
He lifted the bat with joy intense,
And spun the ball to the outer fence.
Toward the first base he crept along
His stems were quick and his strides were
strong.
The centre-felder threw the sphere
Toward the first base; it just grazed ms ear
And quicker than word Of tongue or pen
Itlanded in Williams abdomen.
Poor W William's face was pale ana wan
ris feelings were burt, but he kept right on
He s1;d along on the front of his clothes'
And tonchea the base with the tip OF his nose
Goes without saying-A deaf ana
dumb man.
E,ver-last-in The thumb when put
ting on a kid glove.
You can't make horse drink. 1t Is
different with men.
The blacksmith secures prosperity ny
being always on the strike
At this season peas are planted anu
snov-drifts are sup-planted.
Ca,ital punishment-Making the bad
bows sit with the good girls.
This ia bad season for great men to
die. unless they have funds enough to
pay for their own monuments.
The eslJrsa Major is the new name
for t}1e most fashionable full dress worn
by ladies. Ursa Major means great
bear.
Every dime museum has its raw glass
eater; as though it were any curiosity
to look upon man who is fond Of his
glass.
The reason why capital punishment is
becoming unpopular is because there is
+. orowing aversion to leaving o man in
suspense.
What strange fellows tiremen are, to
be sure. They take s. warm interest IN
fires, yet they are the very first to throw
cold water on them.
One man wants whiskey in bar-room.
Another wants soda in a drug store.
Then they arbitrate. They both take
beer in beer saloon.
Dow1, in tine gutter he sleeplly lay,
His pillow Il soft-sided rock;
He could buck against faro or keno Ill day
}snt. alas couldn't buck against Book.
A Minneapolis bachelor says that the
the number of men who are disappointed
in love doesn't compare with the num-
ber who ase disappointed in marriage.
4 ST. Paul contemporary speaks OF a
peasant being ;:buffeted by thorn in
the flesh.'' We shall next hear Of some
ones being pricked by the blow OF g
club.
In France, certificates Of birth must
be produced before marriage can take
place. You have TO prove that you
have been born, OF you can't get mar
ried.
The last run Of buckwheat cakes and
bhe first run of shad make their appear
ance together. The buckwheat cakes
goes out on scratch, but the shad is a
yeritable boneanza.
ssBroad is the way that leadeth to de-
struction,'' said the Holy Writ; but in
the case Of the New York aldermen the
passage should read, "Brosdway is the
road, etc.
A revolver in glass case, surrounded
by the picture of beasts and surmounted
by the motto, "Pray or Pay" " aids Ne
braska photographer in conducting his
business on cash basis.
Her timid spirit was released from the
pain ~racked body, and soured to eternal
rest in the realms of celestial glory at
4.3O, Denver time, said q recent obituary
in q New Mexico exchange.
The town of Grand Forks, Dak., pro-
hibits the sale Of meats, milk, and news
papers on Sunday. but permits military
parades, picnics and base ball games.
The authorities of Grand Forks are
bound to have their little joke.
An Illinois editor defines philan-
thropist as q jealous person bent on
doing the greatest possible good to the
greatest possible number with the great
est possible amount of other peoples
money.
Among the Zulus the mother-i1l-law
cannot face the son-in-law, but must
hide, OF pretend to do SO, whenever she
sees him. Here, the custom is reversed;
it is the son-in-]aw who does the dodg-
ing.
M;npaano7is man took tho lin,itod