News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-01-28
THE coLoNEL's HAPPY THOUGHT.

Col Sumpter Mcbride, of Austin, has
been spending several weeks in New
York. A few days ago, being in need
of some money, he applied to Broad
way bank to cash draft.
"What is your name 2" asked the
paying teller.
''C5l. Sumpter Mcbride, sir, of Aus
tin, Travis county, Texas"
''YOu will have to be Identified,
Colonel"
This was something the Colonel had
not taken into consideration. He knew
of nobody who could identify him, and
was about to leave the bank when a
happy thought occurred to him. He
reached into his breast pocket and
brought out photograph of himself.
and holding it under the nose of the
bank official, said: "There, sir; guess
| that settles it"
"Of course that's your photograph; ;
but how does that identify you ?"
"Well, sir, will you please tell me
how [ could have my photograph taken
if 1 wasn't myself ?'-Ieras Sittings.
NEW ENGLAND TwIGGs.
A Maiden schoolmistress thinks that
some of her pupils compositions are
fuhnier than anything of Mark Twain's
From an essay on Fashion, :" written
by boy of 12, she cites the following
"Sensible people wear sensible fash
ions, and insensible people insensible
fashions"
Another hopeful of hers, writing on
the subject "a Rainy Afternoon, "
evolved from an inner consciousness
deeper than that of Josh Billings, the
following sentence
at rafned hard, and I could not go
owdoors, and so went out in the shed
and sod some wood"
In little straw frame on her mantle
is a sentence from the pen of her young
est and brightest, giving in answer to
the request "Write, in twenty words,
definition Of Man 1t reads thus
''Man is an animal that stands up; he
is not very big, and he has to work for
living. "-B08t0n Record.
A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.
An Eastern man in Dakota said to a
citizen:
''Is this Mr.. Bulge ?'
at is, said the citizen, suspiciously
The Eastern man put his hand IN his
pocket, and Immediately the cold muz-
zle of revolver was pressed against his
nose.
''None of thatr' shouted Mr.. Bulge.
Throw up your hands, I've got the
bulge on youw
Il w-w-was only a-going to offer y
you my b-b-business card" said the
heightened stranger; 'Tm from Bos-
ton"
''rhen 1 beg your pardon apollo
oBI2ed Nj Bulge, lowering his pistol;
''but when you are in Dakota, stranger,
you should never carry cards IN your
hip pocket. ~ Y. Times.
A MODEST WISH.
Kosciusko Murphy congratulated
Miss Esmeralda Longcofin on the occa-
sion of her recent birthday.
''Miss Esmeralda, L wish you every
thing that goes to make life happy. l
want you to have half million dollars,
villa, fast horses and carriages, and
a."
"Stop now. You have already given
me more than enough Hadn't you bet
ter wish something for yourself2" said
Esmeralda.
''You shouldn't interrupt me. was
going to say that l wished you to have
all those things-and me in the bar
gam. "-Ieras Sittings.
AN INEXHAUsTIBLE SUPPLY.
A Lincoln CONNER ial traveller, who
was glancing over paper in the Omaha
train yesterday, threw it down impa
tiently with the remark: "That's moth
ing; don't see why any fuss is made
about it."
"What is it 2'' asked man near
him.
ooh, 1 see statement that Prof.
Riley has donated %, 900 bugs to the
Government Museum. The hotel
stopped in at Omaha last night can
double that and never miss "a bug. =
Lincoln Journal.
POWER OF THE PRESS.
eyes" said a country editor, as he
impaIed crOton bug on the point of
his shears, ''the power of the press is
something wonderful 1t can make and
unmake men, retard or advance the
growth of civilization, open new fields
for scientific research, and disclose the
hidden mysteries of the universe; 1t
can"
''Please, SIR" interrupted the office
boy, opening the door, 'sMr. Hayseed |
says he's left bushel o carrots up at
your house, an he wants credit for 'em
on accounts"
A DANGEROUS MEDICINE.
Young Physician Ito Patient)-Did
you follow my directions in taking the |
little pills-one every three hours
~ Ill
Young Physician - Great Heavens
you didn't take them oftener than
that
Patient-I didn't take any. My little
boy got hold Of the bottle in the night |
and ate them ali up.
Young Physician (hastily)-Where is
the boy ?
Patient-The last heard of. him he
was out in the backyard stonin9 cats.
THE DEAD HEADS.
Mr.. Tompkins TO Manager Snap
show, who has just returned from Eu-
you have pleasant trip ?"
Snapshow-"O yes; but l was very
until l reached Rome. l felt
all right there"
Tompkins-'IEow was that ?"
Snapshow-"Why, l spent two Sys
IN the catacombs, and the collection of |
dead heads there made me feel as
though l were at home again"
THE FULL OF IT.
The bachelor editor of an otherwise
esteemed contemporary asks why a baby |
IS till~d up from ten 10 a dozen times a
day. That is field in which no old
bachelor has any business to investigate,
out for the sake of easing his tempest
5ssed soul we will inform him that ba-
bies, bless 'em, should be filled up
whenever they show symptoms of hol-
erness, if it be forty times a day
Binghdmt0n Republican.
LIKELY TO GET LEFT.
Stranger Ito small hoy)-C-c-can y-y-
tou t-tell m-me wh-whCn th-the next t.
.-train g-"nes nm north, s-s-sonny
Small Boy-Fi' minnits pas three.
Stranger h-have l g-g-got t-t-time
o C-C-Catch it
Small Boy-Not unless you Kin walk
aster'n you kin talk, Mister.
EXTORTIONATE RATES.