The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1886-01-15
SCIENCE VS.. THE BULL DOG.
A New Invention for Getting Rid OF
Poets, Canvassers, and the Like,

l ANOAJ tSSSaSA vi utiS SSllllS u"CmPpupC
must from time to time have had his
attention forcibly attracted to the with
ering contempt and fierce hatred open
against the aspiring poet, whether of
poet, in fact, would seem to hold the
same relation to the comic editor as
does the red flag to the bull. Week
after week, in the comic editors can
swers to correspondents" may be read
such bitter replies as the following:
what ought we to give for your
poem? Well, ten days, we should
think" Or again, You should take a
long course Of Russian baths to get
that poetry out of your system; if that
doesn't succeed, try a watery grave"
Issue after issue of the comic newspa-
per contains chuckling references on
the untimely fate which has overtaken
some poet visiting y comic newspaper
office, or teens with dark hints as to
trap-doors through which poets are
buried down into mysterious depths,
bloodthirsty insinuations as to bull
dogs who keep watch over the ed
itorial sanctum, or portentous illusions
as to graves which may ere long stand
in need of being kept green. 1.-The
poets lovely widow" suggestively re-
marks one comic editor in this connec-
ton. "strews flowers over his tomb;
the willy editor still keeps that bull
dog in his ROOM
Now, it is doubtless trying to be al
most daily brought in contact with
haggard and lank young men-for as
such is the poet always pictured by the
comic editor who are addicted to such
habits as making scarcely rhyme
with parsley" or who. with a monot-
ny that is undeniably irc-provoking,
rave year after year ys ..angel FORMS
s'tender-daffodils," and 1.-the flowers
that bloom in the spring" Still the
s%anguinary methods confessedly adopt
ed by the comic editor can not but be
deprecated by all truly Christian and
peace-loving persons; and it would
seem that some means by which he
might rid himself of his prosecutors
could surely be devised without resort
being had to mayhem, homicide, and
kindred crimes.
Such a means has been afforded by the
recent invention of Prof. Grimkopf, of
Boston. For a long time past, it appears,
the professor has had the eye of science.
SO to speak, turned on the poet and 9TH
ers of his race, and to his enlightened
mind the bulldog and the trap door have
seemed but crude and brutal methods
unworthy of the civilization of the age.
One day he came across the story in a
local newspaper of n merchant who had
succeeded in Kidding himself of the inn
p%ortunities of swarm of female book
~canvasserS by Il somewhat novel and in
genious method: Whenever the mer-
chant in question heard a female voice
behind him exclaiming in dulcet strains:
Won't you please look at this beautiful
illustrated work in nine-nine parts, only
20 cents q part?n he would surreptitious-
ly let loose q number of mice deftly con-
cealed in a cage beneath his desk. The
success of the scheme, it was recorded,
even surpassed expectation. Linking
this idea with the scarecrow of the rural
districts. Professor Grimkopf arrived AT
the deduction that if the unwelcome Wis
itor could be disposed of by Il moral in
stead of a physical shock a decided step
in advance would have been attained.
Following out this train of thought. he
was inspired to an invention which will
Individually prove of the highest value.
This invention consists of ar apparatus
capable of evolving an apparition some,
what similar to that which might be pro-
duced by means of a magic lantern and
a canvas Its workings are described
as follows: A poet enters the editors
sanctum. The latter. conccaling his
hatred in the consciousness of his tri.
unph, softly, almost ~unctuously, re.
marks: '.Pcet, sir? All, pleased to see
you! Married or single. sirp" If the
poet murmurs that he is single the comic
editor forthwith sets in motion an at.
tachment on the right hand side of his
desk, and Immediately there appears or
the wall facing the poet the ~life-size
figure of Mr.. John L. Sullivan, in alarm.
ingly pugilistic attitude. with the words
emblazoned above his head: ..The fight.
ing editor is in" The terror inspired
by this %apparition has been demonstrate
ed to be fully as effective in leading to {
poets disappearance as if a trap-dool
were actually opened beneath his feet.
without any approach to battery OF
%bloodshed. If, OF the other hand, the
poet reply that he is married. the comic
editor applies himself to an attachment
to the left of his desk, and instantly
tICIc 10 Ill dpldIlLol Vi u iltTCe ilOlIlcT'
in-law, with a wintry and sarcastic smile,
from whose ghostly mouth are to be seer
issuing the words: II have come t.
pay a nice, long visit, dear" This ap
partition is declared to be ever more eff
%fective than the preceding one. In one
instance in which the test was applied, i
was attended by striking results. The
victim casting n Mortified glance a
the apparition, rushed precipitately to
ward the stairs, and clearing them at i
bound, disappeared, and, strange to say
has never been heard of since.
Prof. Grimkopf's% invention, it is un
derstood, is capable of being applied te
other branches of life besides the coming
newspaper offices. Apparitions suitable
to protecting the head of a, public de
partment against the pertinacious Office
seeker and the merchant against thu
wiles of the book women can, it is an
nounced, be furnished on application
Private residences even are to be pro
tected. and the apparition of Il tramp a
work is declared to be specially eff
~cacious against lusty mendicants. Thu
invention a scarcely fail to net it
owner large fortune, and it is now t.
be hoped that the reader of the comb
newspaper will no longer be shocked b,
reading Of poets being hurled through
trap-doors, or of their being torn t.
, pieces by the cruel fangs of the editoria
bulldog.-Brooklyn Eagle.
A Inrisiuna srhonltnastor whose wifa wo