Morning journal and courier., 1886-05-03
BENZ.

"You can say what you 1ike," said an en- thusiastic Democrat to a Republican neie h. bor, "but the President IS bent on reform. E.Yes," was the reply, land his party is try ing to straighten him out. t."-PittsburgC Chron- icle
 advised you to drink whisky. Has it done any good3' Well, I should say so. I got a barrel of it two weeks ago, and could hard ly lift it.; and now I can carry it about the room. ."-Good Cheer.
 The New York Tribuns believes the Pana- ma Canal will be completed in the time al- lowed, because M. de Lesseps is ffmoving heaven and earth" to accomplish that end. M. de Lesseps would get on faster, though, if he would move less heaven and more earth.-San Francisco Wasp.
 MT. DeGarmo-t'And so you like my friend Rankina I knew you would" Miss Eugenia-''Yes, he always makes us twice glad, when he calls" MT. DeGarmo-"Ah, that's very nice I'll have to tell Rankin that But, how twice glad, Miss Eugeniaf Miss Eugenia-'Oh, glad when he comes and goes. You must tell him, MT. DeGarmo. -Tid-Bits.
 My son, if you would be esteemed by you1 acquaintances do not fear to make mistakes in history, biography, geography, or any thing else. The more frequently you give opportunity to your friends to set you right. the greater the pleasure you will give them, and the more pleasure you will give them the more highly will they esteem you.-Bos- ton Transcript.
 ''Ma," complained Bobby, Tommy Turf can whistle through his teeth so you can hear him mile'' "Yes, Bobby" said his mother encouragingly, ''but Tommy's teeth are badly broken and decayed, which is the reason he whistle through them. Be- sides, Bobby, Tommy hasn't any new suit aJo ,1-o, !, sponded Bobby doggedly, ''I'd give him my suit of clothes for his teeth any day. ."-Life.
 ''Yes, indeed, Miss Clara,'' continued Mr. LaDedah, giving an account of his travels, '1 have been in great perils, don't you know. One time on railroad train out West, don't you know, We were stopped by the train robbahs, don't you know, and one fellow, a terrible brigand he was, you know, he put his pistol to my head, don't you know, and pon me soul, Miss Clara, had nothing for him. ."-Burdette.
 FLet me see some of your black kid gloves, said Mrs. Snaggs to a clerk at a Fifth avenue store. f'These are not the lat est style, are theyl' she asked when the gloves were produced. tYes, madam" re- piled the clerk; five have had hem in stock only two days" 'I didn't think they were, because the fashion paper says that black kids have tan stitches and vice versa. I see the tan stitches, but not the vice versa D The clerk explained ahat vice versa was French for seven buttons and Mrs. Snaggs bought the gloves.-Pittsburg Chronicle.
 A "mixed" train was proceeding at the usual rate on Dakota road when it sudden ly started up and began to run much faster. An astonished passenger called the conduc- tor over and said: Aren't we running about twice as fast as usual." "Yes." "Going down hills" "No.' 'tWind changed and helping us alongsa 'tI gasss not. tts'T4t tEnginees drunk!'' ''No more than is customary. I'll tell you, though; we've sighted man walk ing about 6 mile ahead OH the track, and I'm going to catch him and make him get on and pay his fare if I run the wheels all off aud have the cars dragging on the rails. The rules forbid any man trying to beat the company this way. "-Estelhne (D. T.) Bell.