The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1886-09-03

An Irishman who was one Of the passen-
gers ON Penn inclined ear last night was re-
lating n story to friend just at the criti-
cal moment the conductor rang his bell for a
fare. The lrishman jumped from his seat
and posing In Sullivan attitude, glared at
every passenger as he said: II don't know
who 1t was, but ken lick the blackguard
that rang that chestnut bell on my joke"
-Pittsburg Times
UMPIRE.
There's symmetry Of motion
To my sympathetic notion
In the pitcher as he curves the ball;
There's an dyl, great in dction,
Quite exciting as a fiction,
In the batter when he flies the wall
And the pose of grace and beauty
OF the catcher doing duty,
Is an epic quite exceeding all.
But for poetry of motion,
To my unpretentious notion,
There's nothing like the umpire's gall.
Chicago Rambler.
Patient-Then you think my finger will
have to be amputated, doctori Surgeon
Yes, 1t will have to come off. Patient-How
much will the job cost Surgeon-Fifteen
dollars. Patient-Is that the best you can
do, doctorl I'm poor man. Surgeon-Yes,
flO Is tne Dtst 4 can 10 LOT one niger, Dut
will cut two of them off for S25.-New
York Times.
Tombstone Dealer Ito widow)-Wou you
like the cause of your husbands death ex-
planned on the stone, madaml Widow
Well = er perhaps it might be ap-
propriate to engrave couple of cucumbers
ON it, il you will-New York Sun.
"why do they call this place Shark noun
tainp asked Laura, after they had been in
the new summer resort about two weeks;
"there no sharks in the mountains" "No,"
said Tom, "but there are hotels there" And
Laura sighed. They had only been married
six weeks, and here was Tom answering her
questions at random and not paying the
slightest attention to anything she said.-Bur-
dette.
FIRST PIsH
Go fling the starry banner out,
Unfurl 1t to the sky,
Let every noble freeman shout
To nee IL float on high.
Let Canada and Mexico
Go-any where you wish
For news has come to town, you know,
That Growers caught fish.
Washington Critic.
A young man who kindly consented to
stop at dry goods store for his sister said to
tne young WOindn Denlliu tue cOuIlueT, anu ue
said it very mildly: "Have you corsetsa"
"Yes, sir, ;" replied the unmoved young woman,
"what size do you wearf'
GOOD WIFE.
They say she's worth her weight in gold,
For she herself confesses
She sends her boots to be resoled
And always turns her dresses.
Economy the maiden loves
She III never want lover
She dsrns her stockings and her gloves
And makes her bonnets over.
Boston Coxier.
my dear sir, have the very thing Cor
you" "Indeed Is the lady prettyY" "To
be perfectly frank, she is not. But her for
tune, think Of her fortune-$l00,O0l And
you can get married again before long-she's
consumptive." "Ahem That's something.
But are you quite sure of itp "My dear sir,
we guarantee it."-Judge.
AN IDyL THE SURF.
A maiden Of Boston,
One morning while tossed on
The waves of the surf at Long Branch,
Set up wild squealing,
With such piercing feeling,
That every face near her did blanchi
She kicked and gyrated
In a way animated,
While her face wore expression Of woe,
Till when rescued she stated, 49,
In voice with fear freighteJ,
That lobster shook hands with her toe.
49, Life