The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1886-07-07
WIT AND HuTMOR.

office is next door y H'ilIaington IN
C. Star.
In the United States District Court
yesterday. during the examination of
witness. District-Attornev Flick asked:
How often did you buy liquor of the
defendant in the aggregate?'' Never
said the witness; Il always got it in the
wine cellar. PtasoRrg Telegram,
First New-Yorker: ''I say. Harry. old
boy. what interests you?" Second New
Yorker: Divorce case in which
friend of mine is interested. First
New-1 orker: ''Ah, some scandal. doubt
less Intimate frtend?' Second New
Yorker: 'No-not very: my wife. =
Puck.
Bobby Ito Presbyterian ministerl-
Mr.. Mournful, is it wicked 10 dance?
Mr.. Mournful-C Certainly. Bobby, very.
very wicked. Bobby-Wel, didn't the
saints used to dance? Mr.. Mournful-
The saints? Never. Bobby Bobby
Then what is meant by St Anthony's
dance?-N T., Times
Il guess. sister, YOU needn't bother
about having the parlor swept out to-
day." was the remark of an Allegheny
youth as he started to school What
on earth do you mean. George" well,
heard father tell mother that if that
young man of yours came tonight he'd
wipe the floor with him. Springfield
(haSS) Herald.
Brown Cooking at Fogg's scrap-book,
which is made up of biographical
sketches)-"Ah. you have here among
Prominent Men Prot Smith VIII at
Smith was he? never heard of him."
Fogg-"He was a teacher of mine"
Brown-"Ah. and how particularly
noted?" Fogg-'.I was his pupil. fl
tegheng Buifettn.
A Miles City man has invented new
stirrup which will not allow the foot to
be caught when one is dismounting.
What the amateur cowboy is yearning
for is the invention BY some one of a
saddle which will enable him TO APP
proach the untamed broneho of the
plains without first saying his prayers.
ST. PduI Globe
"A coat of paint" cried Mr. Dauber.
iocularly, speaking from the ladder. ''is
the only coat YOU can put on without
buttons ''Ya-as, replied the house
holder, obviously, rs he examined the
work on the side of the house, but
reckon you'll have to put buttons on
this one if YOU want it to stay on after
it dries. Brooklyn Eagle
A poor girl had begged for holiday
TO 60 and see a man hanged. She had
a long way to walk-some sixteen miles.
perhaps, On her return to Gainsbor-
ough at night, her mistress found her in
tears. What is the matter with YOU.
child; what are you crying aboutPn 20,
ma am, said the poor girl. bursting in
to tears again, 'the mans been re-
prievedr' George Selwyn would have
keenly svmpathized with her Temple
Bar.
A young artist in neighboring town
writes: Il have taken Sabbath-school |
class of about twenty little younkers.
none of whom can read or spell They
learn verses at home and recite them. |
besides letting me into all sorts of Sc
crets. Last Sunday funny tot stood |
up with the most round-eyed assurance,
having been taught the verse, BE not |
faithless but believing Without mo-
ment's hesitation she cried out. BE not |
b'lieveless but faithless-' Boston Her |
aid
lor. The Young man had no watch. |
Neither had the young woman on whom
he was making a visitation. They had |
been talking about bores. Il meet a |
good many" he said Il don't" she |
That is. don't before 10 |
o'clock in the evening" "Ah." he said |
lit is about 9 o'clock |
now" 20, she said. forgetfuly, '.is |
it so early? | thought ii was half-past |
10 AT least Then he got up and went |
away. - Washington Critic
Saws Mr.. Carnegie in his new book:
''Whenever an American Is met abroad |
with the assertion that government in |
the Republic is corrupt he can safely |
say that for one ounce of corruption |
here there is a full pound avoirdupois |
in Britain; for every Job here, twenty |
yonder One nobleman gets $4,000 |
(S20.000) per annum for walking back |
ward before her Majesty upon certain |
occasions; and so on through chapter
Of Jobs so long and irritating that no |
American could patiently read through |
it."
Yes remarked the lady in mourn
ing; ives, | have given more dinners |
than any leader in Washington So
cietyh 'Indeedi Public ones?n II have |
given public dinner almost every dav |
for five years, and | have entertained |
some of the most distinguished politi- |
clans that ever visited the city
Strange. / never saw your name in
the paper" You don't look in the |
right place" mo? / looked in the So
ciety column" Wrong place. l am
the keeper of the charity soup house. y
Washington Star.
Have you been reading much this |
winter, Mr. De Musselbrain? inquired |
a young lady on Connecticut avenue of
a caller few evenings ago. 20, no. |
Miss Dorritt. of course not, don't You |
know" he replied confidently ''In- |
deed! Why not?" she asked, in some |
%, because, Miss Dor
ritt, don't you know, the newspapers |
never contain anything about base ball, |
don't you know. during the winter.
When the season fully opens, don't you |
know, expect to read a great deal, |
don't you know. - Washington critic.
She was young, she was green, she |
was very new in Washington. At re-
cent swell affair she had gone with the |
crowd into the refreshment room. Pres
emily an elegant looking waiter, for all
the world like foreign Ambassador,
bowed politely before her and murmur-
ed: is there any one waiting on you,
miss?H Sir? Sir?" she stammered in
startled embarrassment. '.Pardonnez
moi. Is there any one waiting on you!"
90" she said. blushing brightly. mo,
sir, not in Washington. But when I'm
at home I've got more beaux than any
other girl in town. - Washington Star.
No said Fogg. I'm tired of going
out visiting If l call on Brown he's
sure to bore me to death with his ever
lasting brag about his dog; If | go to
Blacks, he'll talk of nothing but that
confounded horse of his; and at Whites
/ shall hear of nothing but his hens.
Therefore prefer to stay at home and
enjoy myself" But, my dear" inter-
posed Mrs f.. ''the conversation will
hardly be more improving if, as usual
you dilate on pipes and tobacco" Yes,
my love-" replied Fogg, ''but you
should remember the difference. l do
the talking. ."-Boston Transcript.
During trial several days ago in
Alabama an old fellow who had been
arraigned for killing man arose and
said: .-Jedge, thar amt no us n goin'
on with these here proceedin's fur shot
Tobe, but that amt nobody's business
fur he wuz a friend o mine" IF he
was your friend, it is all right" replied
the Judge. flor a man has right to
take few liberties with his friends.
The people in this part of the country
are becoming too particular. Turn the
sociable gentleman loose, Mr.. Sheriff,
and call the next case -"-ArkansaU
Irdceter.