davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
LONG MEMORY.

Why Veteran of the Creek War Failed
to Get Fat Pension.
While Colonel Bill Slemons, of Ar
kansas, was running for Congress, an
old fellow named Flowery approached
him and said:
''Look here, Bill, if you are elected
will you do me favor?'
Yes, of course / Will, what is it??''
'.Well, you see, 1 fought in the Creek
war, and as everybody else is getting Il
pens on it strikes me that | ought to get
a few dollars occasionally"
Yes of course you should" taking
out his memorandum book and making
a note of the request. ''Just as soon
as | 90 to Washington I'll invest gate
the matter"
"Fiowerv waited anXiously but heard
nothing of his pension. His friends adj
vised him to rest easily. as the Govern
ment could not be hurried. Two years
passed. Slemons came home, having
announced himself as candidate for
reelection. Flowery arrived in town
Just as Slemons arose in the courthouse
yard to address his fellow citizens. The
orator had spoken but few sentences
when Flowery called out:
'.Helloa, Bill -
"Why, how are you, Flowery?"
.sSay, Bill, what about that pension?
hain't got a nickel yit. Didn't tend
to it. did you?''
''Oh, yes. I'll see you privately after
awhile
Never mind; see me right now.
Why hain't they sent the money!"
"rlowery, [ tell you that I'll see you
in private.
ayes, | understand you. You want
me to take drink with you and call it
SOU ar"
.'No, l don't. You'd better wait
"Tll be blamed if / do. Spit it right
out now. l don't want no fooIishness
and eff you've neglected me airter l had
dun voted for you, l want to know it. -
.Flowery," Slemons still persisted.
'.just wait until l make my speech and
I'll tell you why you haven't received
your pension.
..Pll be blamed if / do. I've been
waitin' two years an have BEEN talkin
you up all the time, and I'll be hanged
# I'm goin' to wat any longer, so out
with it now and let all these here folks
know that you've dun went back on
your word"
'All right, Flowery. Iput in your
claim and after the matter had been in
vestigated. it was found that you were
q deserter.'
Flowery took off his hat, scratched
his head and replied:
IVY dad blame it, amt they forget
that yitP Wy, Bill, that was more'n
forty years ago. Hump! wouldn't
begrudge the finest boss in the county
eff I could ricolleck fool things as well
as this Govern ment ken. Wy, blame
their fool souls, Bill, lowed they for
got that long go. "--Arkanasav Traveller.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
STYLES IN ADVERTISING.
What a Reliable BROOKLYN Expert Has to
Say About Them.

Say About Them.
The style of advertising has greatly
changed within the past few years,
said gentleman in charge of the adj
vertising department of one Of Brook
lyn's largest dry goods establishments.
IAN advertisement to command atter-
ton must be original, The public have
receive his customers at his old stand
or Blank & Blank sell dry goods
cheaper than any other house in town.
The present generation is progressive,
and to attract attent on one must be
original. Old fashioned ads. are
played out. In former years, even in
such big houses as Stewards in New
York, the clerk at the button counter
was delegated in his Off moments to
write the advertisements for the news
papers. Now all is changed. Every
large business house has its separate
advertising department.. Some houses
even employ as many as two and three
men to look after their advertising.
Since the pictorial craze has obtained
such foothold many firms head their
columns with pictures descriptive of the
SOOtS oHtICu IoI fAhO tucI
the ad must be written
so as to attract the eye of the reader.
If firm has quantity of underwear
to sell, It is folly to say SO in the first
line. First get your reader interested.
Talk about the North Pole; say that it
is cold in that region and incidentally
mention that winter is coming and that
underwear at this season is not an map
propriate subject. And then, in con-
Iidential way. tell the reader that your
firm has many cases of underwear pur-
chased at bankrupt sale, perhaps.
which will be sold at one-half its value.
Intersperse if you Ike a witty saying
here and there, but unless you wish to
kill your ad. in the first line give prices
Ten years ago prices were never given.
Now an ad. commands but little atten-
ton unless prices are attached"
.'Do you believe in the value of adver-
tising?'
Certainly. Were it not for newspa.
per advertising and advertising by mail
many firms would not be doing bust
ness. When one looks back and notes
the difference between newspaper adver-
Using twenty years ago and to-day, the
changes which have taken place are
marvellous How many fortunes have
been made by simply booming an infe-
rior patent medicine! Newspaper adj
vertising is yet in its infancy and hope
for great things in the future. Brook
:VH Euc{e.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
GREAT QUACkS.

Medical Frauds Whose Names Are Re-
corded in the Pages OF History.
The great London quack of the time
of Charles II. was DR.. Thomas Saffold.
He was originally a weaver, but adopt
ed the more paying business of pre-
tending to cure all diseases and profess
ing to foretell the destinies of his pa.
tients. The apothecar.es of that time
not only acted as medical quacks, but
also as fortune-tellers. Queen Anne
had weak eyes. and was an enthusiastic
patron of Vulgar ignorance in the form
of eye-doctors. Two of them she fan.
c.ed especially; and one of these, Will
Jam Reade, she made a Baronet, al
though he was most wretchedly igno-
rant, as q 'Short and Exact Account Of
All the Diseases incident to the Eyes, ;"
which h published, remains to testify.
Reade was worthless tailor, but he
stepped into a fashionable and paying
practice after he obtained the royal
favor. He was unable to read the book
which he wrote (by the hama of a scribe),
but that made no difference to the
wealthy fools, his patrons The
Queens other favorite quack oculist
was Roger Grant, a retired cohbler and
Anabaptist preacher. Grant was in the
habit of Publishing minute accounts of
his cures, mostly tissue of lies, but
with enough truth interviewer to give
senoblanca of probability. HIS favorite
plan was to secure some poor person
whose sight was imperfect, ard after
giving him money and medicines for
70, do l.. - 81 4r-f
monial that he had been born blind and
had never enjoyed the sense of sight
until Providence had led him to DR..
Grant, who had cured him in little more
than month. If he could buy GER
tificate from the clergymen and church
wardenI of the parish where the alleged
patient lived. to the effect that the testi-
monial was true, very we'll; if he could
not OBJ ain genuine documents of this
kind he could always find people to
forge them for a smal sum. The recent
impudent cert ficates, apparently signed
by numerous prominent people. attest
ing the virtues of brand of bit
show that the quacks of this
order are still to be found ply
ing their infamous trade. The most
idlHOuS- lCstI iGNs III oHC
physicians of that age, did not disdain
to deal in secret nostrums. Thus. Sir
Hans Sloane sold an eve salve. and Dr..
Meade remedy for hydrophobia. Con-
the quaeks were justified in
making what they could out of a public
which was not too intelligent to BE-
swindled by their most renowned ply
sicians. The doctors. at least had no
ground for complaint. In
the Spectator for July p, 1714, there is
an amusing account of a typ cal quack
of the period, and Steele has recorded
some capital anecdotes of these gentry.
One of them claimed he could cure
cataracts ''becausa he had lost an eye in
the Emperor's service" This evidence
of ability was thought all sufficient by
the good people who patronized him.
One fellow, calling himself DR.. Katter-
felto, Travelled about with a large cage
number of black cats, which
seemed equal to modern diploma in
the way of inspiring confidence in his
powers. st Louis Globe Democrat.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
STORIES OF LINCOLN.

william III. Herndon's "Reminiscences of
the MARTYR President.
Lincoln's old law partner, William
H. Herndon, was seen at the rooms of
the '.Lincoln Memorial Collection" en-
tcrtaining several interested listeners
with "reminiscences of the great man
during his career as an Illinois attor-
ney.
Yes" said Mr.. Herndon, Il could
always tell when Lincoln was in good
hnmor or not by observing him as he
entered the office at nine or half-past
nine in the morning. If every thing
was serene and pleasant he would take
throw his feet over the stove and begin
telling yarns. He would keep this up
until dinner time. and very little work
would be done through the forenoon
If, on the other hand. matters had
not been as pleasant as they
might be. he would drop into the
dice IN quiet. unObtruSive way
and, after taking a seat, would pro-
ccel t. make his breakfast on crackers
and cheese. Sometimes his depression
would wear off in an hour or so and his
genial. sunshiny disposition reassert
itself. He was not great student.
He was what is called case lawyer.
Given IL case he would first familiariz,
himself with all the facts and then look
up the reports containing similar adj
Indicated cases. He was sympathetic
at all times and never bitter or abusive
1--WE had an odd way of keeping our
accounts. We never kept any books,
but when we were paid fee would SIM
ply divide it. When Lincoln was out
on the circuit making money he did just
the same as when at home. If he re-
ceived a ten-dollar note for services he
would take five dollars, and. wrapping
a piece of paper around 1t, with the
simple word .Bifiy'-that's what he
always called me-written thereon
would place it in his pocketbook.
asked him one day why he did this and
his reply was: Well. if 1 should hap
pen to de with some of your money in
my pocket how would any one know it
il it wasn't marked?' The last fee I
divided with I'm was shortly before dis
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
ROMAN RUINS.
Probable Discovery, Near Pau, France, of
the Remains of Beneharnum.

Probable Discovery, Near Pau, France, of
the Remains of Beneharnum.
Some Roman remains have recently
been discovered at Lescar, near Pau,
and the Council General of the depart
ment has voted subsidy to the Soc ETY.
of Arts and Sciences at Pau to enable
it to continue their researches. The
ruins in question are situated upon a
plateau overlooking the mountain
stream known as the Gave de Pau, and
they are separated by a ravine from an
other plateau upon which the site of a
Roman camp was discovered. They
appear to be the ruins of regu-
lar palace, which must have been
the res:d nee the military chief
in command of the country.
A Roman road passed close to it. The
excavations have gone far enough to
bring to light large hem;cycle about
s:xty-five feet in diameter, paved with
mosaic, a pentastyle also paved with
mosaic, bathrooms, and rooms for
slaves These ru ms, all of which be-
long to the same editice, are supposed
to belong to the third century of our
era, Judging by the only discovery
which gives any indication as to date
that of medal of Gordianus LII. The
most interesting feature about these ex-
cavations is the large number of mosaics
discovered. The general opinion is
that the remains are those of the ancient
town of Beneharnum, which was COM
pletely destroyed and RACED to the
ground at the time of the Norman in
Iasion.-N. T. Post.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
Magnificent Buttons.

sizes of the same design. the largest
about the size of silver dollar. Many
of the smaller buttons for rich costumes
are veritable jewels both in coloring
and device, the more expensive kinds
being set like gems in low mountings
of silver or gold. Parisian-diamond
buttons are used upon velvet gowns,
and among the magnificent beaded
passementerles imported are buttons to
match these garnitures made in two
sizes, the one for the bod ,ce, the large
buttons to fasten the wraps to be worn
en- suite-M Y. Posi-.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
Is "With" a Noun?

The teacher of the class in which oir
Walter Scott sat one day asked a. boy
what part of speech the wcrd with
was. "a noun,' was the lads reply,
whereupon the master told him he was
a Ounce, adding: .'What example can
YOU give of such n thing?' Here Scott
broke in: al can tell you, sir; there 8 a
verse in the Bible, you know. which
saws that Samson was bound with greer,
withs" (Judges xvi. 7-9). This sally OF
Young Walters probably put an end to
the discussion. Little F'oiis.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16

weighed six pounds. The head wa.
severed from the body, and both it and
the arms were much mutilated. teie-
graphed to save the fragments and for
ward them in brine. but before my mes
sage arrived they were chopped up in
small pieces for manure. 1t seems
strange that intelligent people who re-
side among these fishermen, such as
their clergy, do not inform them how
much they are losing by destroy .ng
such specimens when they come ashore.
st. Johns (N. F) Telegram.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
He Fled in Disgust.

Tramp-Please, mum. don't shut the
door; I'm utterly destitute.
Lady of the House kindly) -What do
you want?
Tramp-Any thing you please to give.
mum. leave it to your generosity.
Lady (sweetly)-Come in and I'll tell
the stable boy to give you bath. Pail
ddelphia Call.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
Otis Holden. of Moose River. Me

Otis Holden, of Moose River, Me-,
was carried there by his mother on
snow-shoes over seventy years ago. OF
his father it is told by the Fairfield
Journal that when he heard Mr.. Jack
man had settled at Jackmantown, ten
miles away. he was indignant and asked
if the world was not large enough with
out crowd ne fellow so. But we guess
that the somewhat known old settler.
Daniel Boon. got ahead of the veteran
Holden by hundred years or so in per-
petratng this little JOKE. 1t was Boone
who, after living several years in the
Kentucky wilderness. hearing that a
..neighbor" had come within one hum
Dire miles of him. got NAL, picked up
H. .r.,S ond moved West Je,rjsto1,
lNe.O Journal.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
A Caterpillar Sailor.

Twas travelling by rail in the begin
ming of last summer when my eye
caught sight of caterpillar in the air.
Very close inspection showed that it
was hanging to an all but invisible
thread from the top of the carriage.
Curious to note what it was about, /
watched it. and was greatly pleased to
see it begin to climb its superfine rope.
This it did in the most mastery and
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16
She Had Nothing to Say

CLARA was telling ma about your
singing at Mrs. Hobson's party, Mr..
Featherly," remarked Bobby.
''Yes?' said Featherly complacently;
land what did she sayp''
"Oh. she ddn't say any thing. She
ust laughed. IN =. SUnh
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16

A curious fact connected with CEN
tipade is worthy of relating. A young
man wing north few miles had been
somewhat concerned at the appearance
nightly in his dugout of a great number
of the sc unwelcome visitors. Neigh
hors seldom or ever saw them, but he
was visited to an alarming extent. He
could not understand till some one
learning that he was in the habit of
playing on the violin suggested that the
the concerts and the centipedes inter-
rupted him no more. yfetd (Kas.)
Southwest.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16

1t is said that no naturalist has ever
yet satisfactorily expla ned how some
ears of corn become red.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-12-16

Wedding receptions have gone COM
pletely out of fashion, and small break
fasts for relatives and intimate friends
have taken their place. Chicago Jour.
nal
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1886-05-22
ENGLEWOOD, KANSAS.

The Star Of the Western Empire is pic
turesqueiy situated near the wooded banks
of the Cimmaron River, Ia the center of Il
large and beautiful valley--,he grandest
wheat corn and grass gre wing country in
the world; destined to be the great rail-
road, commercial and manufacturing centre
OF sunny southern Kansas, because OF nat
ural surroundings. beautiful location, and
the many railroads now projected and build
ing toward it, being as IL is the supplying
and Quitting point for the new Oklahoma
OF the west. "The public land strip, (which
extends 100 miles 10 the south and west and
which comprises the most wonderful grain
and grass producing soil on the globe, is
the great cattle field in the west. No other
town in western Kansas is so favor
ably situated to become 4 large city, and it
cannot be disputed that Engiewood holds
the key to the commercial trade OF a vast
area of untold and ever increasing wealth;
its prospects are unequalled, and its rise
and progress bids fair to he unparalleled in
the history Of this western country.
EnglewoOd will not wait years for a slow
increase Of population TO bring it into no.
tice, as hundreds of other cities have done.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1886-05-22

The River Sanpo. which descends
from the Himaiaya mountains and flows
for nearly one thousand miles along
the southern border Of the Thibet. has
been the subject Of more geographical
controversy than any other river in tho
world.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1886-05-22

She has natural advantages. railroads are
coming, her destiny is stamped with prog
ress and success, aud she intends that the
people shall know it. We want no broken
down bankrupt individuals, but we well
come live men and women with energy
and push from every land, and we will
make il their interest to east their lot with
us. You may do well where you are. but
YOU can do better here. We unhesitatingiy
state that Engiewood is bound to be the
next great cattle shipping point in the
west. The cattle kings OF this section OF
country represent property worth millions.
We want wholesale and retail houses OF
every kind to locate at Englewood. From
this point you can sell goods FOL large ter
ritory south and west. Come at once do
not wait till the railroads, now building,
arrive. You can make money now, both on
goods and the rapid increase Of all the real
estate you may buy at present.
We have an Incorporated city OF the 3d
class, with population of about go. We
have over 100 good building. some Of which
are the best that can be found on or of the
railroad In western Kansas. We have nov
under construction several good brick
buildings: one schoolhouse To cost =. 600
bank building, J0xso feet; one business
house, a0x10o, two stories; one church
building. good size; 100000 brick
will soon be burned to finish the build
ings named. We have now completed one
hotel, with ~ rooms, costing $1,000. and
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1886-05-22
PuNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

A little four-year-old described the
lightning of the previous night as 1.-The
wind blowing the sun back again"
When some politicians are weighed
they are found wanting office in
which there is a vacancy.-Merchnnt
Irdreler.
-England's puzzle and Pats char
ade: you rouse my first by asking
rent for my second. and my whole is
nv land Chicago Led
ger.
-Wife-sIhave been returning calls
this afternoon and have had delight
full time" Husband-"The ladies
unusually gossipy, 1 suppose?" Wife
mo; found them all ont N r
Times.
do you ever sweep under the
bed?" inquired the head of the family
of her young domestic while examining
the spare room. 20. yes. often. It's
SO much easier than dust-pan, you
know" replied the servant Chicago
Journal.
When one speaks of the ''good old
times" he generally refers to the times
before he was born 1t can not be that
he would have us understand that his
coming upon the stage had anything to
do with banishing the good old times"
aforesaid.
An uptown chemist recently ana
lyzed can of strawberry jam and was
surprised to find no trace of strawber-
ries. This is genius Anybody could
make strawberry jam out OF strawber-
ries. Philadelphia Call.
In Massachusetts,, under q new
law, a man who gives minor q pinch
of snuff is liable to fine of fifty dollars.
The law is not likely to be violated.
however A Massachusetts man was
never known to give boy anything
but moral lectures. Detroit Free Press.
1t is Sam Jones who says: 1.-THE
lullabies of my cradle linger with me
to-day like the memory OF a precious
dream" But one thing we are apt to
forget is the number of precious dreams
the mother had TO give up to keep the
lullaby going Chicago Tribune.
Perhaps she was right-In one of
the Dundee boarding schools the
teacher asked his class the meaning Of
the word victim. The question
seemed to puzzle the scholars. but after
a pause bright little girl answered:
PLEASE, sir. a victim means 4 man
about to be married Dundee (Scot-
ldnd) Adrertiser.
Over the backyard fence-'.I say,
do You know the Shiftlesses are going
to move this spring." No! are they.
thought Well. am glad. They have
made the street by-wOrd. ''Yes.
but then. Mrs Shiftless has fallen heir
to S45, 900. and she has bought an
elegant house" %. l always liked
her, but her young ones-well. they'r
real kind O. cunning. after all. Hart
ford Post
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1886-05-22

one opera-hou.e cost $a.uS; to-day
we are cniy one year old. We are proud
of our success. aud can faithfully say that
we have no rivals. " you desire To go
west. come to EDglewood. where there are
excellent opportunities for business of all
kinds: where you can secure y,u home or
town lot or farm At q fraction OF It's real
value. We say come to Englewood while
the opportunity awaits you, and secure one
o. ih.. greatest OF all blessings good
home. take the Englewood stage at Dodge
City. aud YOU will land In EDgiewood.
Fiffy-five miles In ten hours. Stage runs
daily. r. q. Reynolds 10 proprietor Of the
stage line.
For information regarding the country
and city address Il. b. Bush, secretary OF
Englewood Town copany, Clark county,
Kan.