davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
BreVities.

Extract from young Newport swell's note
to a friend: "SorTy i Can't bee introduced
two your sister This afternoon, mi Valett left
mi Three o'clock Suit in new York and /
kouldent Go out in a Checked suit Then. Or
fully sorry. Faithfully yours, Algernon
Bertic Silly.'-New York Mail.
Seaside engagements: "Your attentions.
sir, and your offer of marriage are exceed
ingly lattoring to me, but | am already en-
gagged for this season. "-f'liegende Batter
An honest dealer will do his buying and
selling by the same scales. There are no two
weighs about him.-New Orleans Picayune.
SMITH saw you carrying home a couple
of nice looking watermelons last night,
Brown. How much did they cost youl
Brown don't know yet. The doctor is
up at the house just now.-Life.
Don't get mad at the squalling girl-baby in
che horse car. Think what she will be seven
teen years from date, and let your active
Imagination Danish the disagreeable reality.
Cambridge Chronicle.
"Do you know the nature of an oath,
ma'am" inquired the Judge. "Well, reckon
| ortcr,' was the reply. my husband drives
a canal boat. Merchant Traveller
Butcher Ito young housekeeperl-I have
nothing left, mum, but a hind quarter of
lamb and liver. Young Housekeeper-
Very well, you may send a hind quarter of
liver. Life.
Jersey City man recently sold his wife
for $50 1t is difficult to understand what
makes New Jersey women so valuable. In
many places women are given away Nor
ristown Herald
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14

The setter is another breed OF dog. IL mas
more hair and consequently fewer ribs. The
chief use of the setter, like that of the pointer
is for the hunter to swear at when he misses
his bird. The setter is so called from its man
ner of making known the fact that it has
sighted game. This is accomplished by care
lessly taking seat as if nothing had hap
pened and acting as if it had sat down to re-
main, very much like carpenter working by
the day.
We have heard of settlers which, after being
seated, would take out a cigar and begin to
smoke or commence to look over the morning
newspaper, but never fully credited the story.
We did, however, once see a setter which
habitually carried a camp stool around in its
mouth and upon sighting covey of chickens
would calmly sit down on the stool and cross
its legs. We actually saw this several years
ago, so there can be no mistake about it,
A fine Irish setter belonging to an Estelline
gentleman once went into blacksmith shop
during chicken season, and, happening to sight
n recently killed chicken in the belt of a man
in the shop, Immediately began to set it with
more haste than caution, and in so doing by
mistake sat on a red hot horseshoe which the
blacksmith had just dropped. Its owner af-
forwards paid the blacksmith Sl5O for the
window sash and telegraphed to the next
town for his dog.-Estelline ID. IT, Bell
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
FULL EXPLANATION
Nearly ms Bad,

He was making his first call, and all the
formalities OF the season were in full blast.
She toyed with her fan as she conversed
about the gayeties of the winter time Leis-
urely strolling into the elegant drawing room
came the family dog, a large and intelligent
type Of the Newfoundland breed 1t was
warm evening and the dog came in with his
mouth open and his tongue protruding from
his mouth. He made directly for the hostess
who manifested great uneasiness at the first
sight Of the unexpected animal As he came
nearer the young woman dropped her fan,
mounted first the heavy upholstered chair
and then the centre table
Seeing the unusual performance, the young
man followed suit and was soon on top OF the
marble mantelpiece, to which place of safety
he invited his hostess. Meanwhile the dog,
the cause of the Commotion, crawled under
the sofa, preparing himself to take nap
"When was he taken" asked the young
man, as he balanced himself amid the mantel
ornaments
"Oh, he's been that way all summer" re-
piled the young woman.
"lt's strange he doesn't try TO bite us, isn't
itf continued the young man.
ooh, he wouldn't bite anybody" remarked
the young hostess
"Why, hasn't he got the hydrophobia"
"No," replied she, ''he's got fleas and that's
pretty near as ad.n-St. Paul Globe.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
Not an Average Dakota liar.

In the east thousands Of people plant and
sow 'in the moon" to insure rapid growth
but in Dakota it is dangerous to plant in the
prolific phase of the moon, so they ure care
full to plant at such a time that the moon will
exert its influence in holding the crop back.
/ have known several disasters to result from
neglect of this precaution. One day last
January got lost ont in the country, and
while | was toiling through the tall, new
grass / saw man with nothing on but his
suspenders tearing along like mad. He
stopped just long enough to tell me what was
up. He said he and lis wife had looked up
the moon business and had planted their gar
den the evening before, but happened to get
hold of a last years almanac and missed it
about four days. The result was that when
he woke up that morning the beets that he
planted forty feet from the house had
crushed in his cellar walls, and squash vine
had taken the door off its hinges and was Just
lnopping the floor with all there was left of
the hired man, whom it had snatched out of
bed in the attic. And one could see by the way
he was dressed that if he was liar at all he
was not regular thoroughbred Dakota sam
pie If | really thought l would ever be
come an average Dakota liar would want
to die.-Dakota Cor Modern Miller
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
Senator Edmunds, Pecul,,ritios.

Senator Edmunds is beginning to wear
the look of a man who no longer doubts
During the early part of the winter he was
apparently worried, but the recent reports
from Vermont indicate that the opposition
to him there is difrusve and will amount to
nothing when the legislature meets next
winter. 1t appears TO be generally agreed
in that state that il would he a great mis-
take to retire this veteran and supply his
place with an inexperienced man. Mr. Ed
mpnds has many enemies. He is dogmatic,
cold and not given up TO any remarkable ex-
tent 10 the pursuit of ardent friendships. He
has always refused to help any Of his CON
stituents to get an Office, and In never used
one Of the methods emp Dyed by sma Ter poll
ticans 10 make himself popular. Washing
ton letter
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
They Would Stop IL F1agged.

Country people ask funny questions"
said conductor on the Chicago, Burlington
and Quincy, "They are always worried for
fear the train will not stop at the station
whore they want to get off One day an old
chap asked me if there was good tavern at
Chicago. told him had heard there was
one or two, A few weeks ago we were going
into st. Louis and had on board an old
woman from away back She was evidently
n green traveller, and she was very nervous.
She asked all sorts of foolish questions,
Finally she inquired in a shrill, rasping voice:
"'Conductor, does this train stop ut st.
LOUISE
ayes, says I, with a straight face, it does,
II we are tagged st. Louis is flag station,
but I'll see that you get off all right'n-
Chicago Herald.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14

refused to confirm him, which makes his
portrait of interest just now.
Goode is Virginian, and the AZ years Of
his lifetime have been given largely to the
affairs Of his native state. At the age of y
he was both admitted to the bar and elected
to the Virginia legislature, and afterwarl
reelected several times. He entered the
Confederate army as a private, and subse-
quenty became attached to Gen. Jubal A.
Earlys staff. From the army he was elect
ed to the Confederate congress. After the
war he resumed his law practice at Norfolk
Va. In 1874 he was elected TO the Forty
fourth congress- and continuously reelected
until the Forty seventh congress, when he
was defeated.
At home he Is known as Col Goo le He
has several times been delegate to ma
tional Democratic conventions and eight
years a member of the national Democratic
committee. He was president Of the cleo
tors who cast the Old Dominion vote for
Cleveland,
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
Don,t count Your Chickcns, Etc.

CLARENCE, Oshkosh No, Clarence, we
would not, without several reservations ad-
wise you to marry on S15 per week. That
you expect to be raised to SIS is not an
available argument You only expect it.
1t is not assured OF course the "raise" would
enable you to live in a prince and a prin-
cess style; but what might not he the result
if you did not get it, Think of that Emu
merating the barnyard fowl, Clarence, in anti
cipation of its emergence from its shell, too
often proves to ba IL prssunptuoun and wholly
unwarranted familiarity with facts or figures
and fowls, TO which the incontrovertible
arithmetic, or the unbribable hem admins
ters the refutatory rebuke, By reason of its
would-be mothers newness in the business, or
its own insufficient acquaintance with the
science of obstetrics, the embryotic chick of
finest feather may droop and die a-borning;
the setter may sit down, in the hurry and ex-
uberance of the moment, too enthusiastically
on the egg of greatest promise, inducing,
thereby, a premature and fatal crisis; or,
perchance, she may dream her downy dream
of maternity on a plain, ordinary, everyday
white porcelain door knob Still Clarence
we don't want to discourage you.-Life.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
Advice for Matrimonially Inclined Man

tuNlce iof hhtfIlnOnlhily Inclined man.
Select the girl.
Agree with the girls father in politics and
the mother in religion.
II You have a rival, keep an eye on him; if
he is a widower keep two eyes on him.
Don't swear to the girl that you have no
bad habits 1t will be enough for you to say
that you never heard yourself snore in your
sleep.
Don't put too much sweet stuff on paper
II you do, you will hear it read in after
years.
If, while wearing your new summer trou-
sers for the first time, you sit down on some
molasses candy that little Willie has left on
the chair, smile sweetly and remark that you
don't mind sitting on molasses candy at all,
and that "boys will he boys" Reserve your
true feeling for future reference.
In cold weather finish saying good night in
the house Don't stretch it all the way to the
front gate, and thus lay the foundation for
future asthma, bronchitis, neuralgia and
chronic catarrh, to help you to worry the girl
to death after she has married you.
Don't lie about your financial condition 1t
is very annoying to bride who has pictured
for herself life of luxury in her ancestral
halls to learn too late that you expect her to
ask bald-headed parent who has been uni
formly kind to her to take you in out of the
cold.
Don't be too soft. Don't say, "These little
hands shall never do a stroke of work when
they are mine" and "You shall have nothing
to do in our home but to sit all day long and
chirp to the canaries" A girl has fine re-
tentive memory for the soft things and silly
promises of courtship, and occasionally, in
after years, when she is washing the dinner
dishes or patching the west end of your trou-
sers, she will remind you of them in cold
sarcastic tone of voice.-Sunny South.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14

its place. The result was that finally his ten
ants boycotted him. and he had no ideas at
all.
However, that Is not what we started out
to talk about. We merely wished to mention
a little incident that happened to this mental
absentee in consequence of his absence OF
mind. He wore eyeglasses, they were the
burden of his life, and the bane of the whole
family, for he was eveTlastingly forgetting
where he last laid them down, even
though that place might be the
bridge of his own nose. Then he
would go roofing round the apartment
like hog after chestnuts, rummaging under
papers into work boxes, mantel ornaments
and general literature. At last his wife sug-
gested that he should buy a quantity and
keep pair in each pocket. He did so. l
saw him in cafe some time after, reading a
newspaper. spoke to him. He laid down
his journal. When he took it up again he
began looking round the table for his glasses,
though they were still on his nose Not seeing
them, he dved into his pocket and flshed out
another pair, and, placing them on his nasal
organ resumed his reading. He again laid
down his paper, again looked for his glasses,
and for third time pulling pair out of his
pocket, straddled them on his nose. Finding
his vision impaired, and supposing it was due
to his not having on his helps to read, he
began to feel in his pockets for fourth pair
of glasses and did not desist from his search
until we, with all the tact and delicacy at our
command, and we have full line of goods of
that class, pointed out to him the real posi-
tion of affairs. Now that is what we call a
good, square, unqualified absent -mindedness.
We trust no one will doubt the accuracy of
this story, because we don't like to be doubt
ed. 1t is point on which we are very sensi-
tive-very sensitive indeed.-Texas Siftings
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
nitchod 'cordin' to Law an Gospel.


One of the walters at the hotel in Grenada,
Miss, told us that a colored wedding was
coming off that evening, and several white
people went over to the house designated to
witness the affair. The happy couple finally
stood up before the minister, who said;
Samuel, you AM Lucinda am shortly to be
iined together. Does you desire to back out!"
"No, sah"
"How am it wild you, Lucinda3 Does you
want to funk afore desc yere white folks;n
"No, sah"
"Den you two hitch hands"
They htched
Samuel, does YOU take her fur better or
wusS2 Am you gwine to do de far thing by
dis yere gurl, who's fadder was killed on de
railroad up nigh Jackson'
"Yes, sah."
"Lucinda, does you realize de seriousness of
dis opportunity Am you gwiue to stick to
Samuel clean frew to de judgment day, or
am you gwine to trife around arter odder
menn
"Ize gwine to stick
"Den, chilren, in de presence of desc yere
white men from the norf, one of whom sub
scribed two bits yesterday to help build up de
meetin' house dat was blowed down by de
sighclone, l denounce you as hitched, iined
an mar'd 'cordin' to de law an gospel Now
you go long an behave yerselves Detroit
Free Press.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
NEWssoYs LET LOOSE. -
Excursion in Which PandemodfhM
and HoMling Rome Are NoMhara.


aud Howling Rome Are Nowhere.
The New York newsboys lot Is not a
happy one at best. From rough usage at
the hands of his parents when he Is burdened
with any, to the rougher treatment of his
own set in the streets he ACQUIRES a warlike
spirit which fears only the "cop" and the
police Justice Might is right with him, and
ne Is docile only when dealing with a Gus
toner or in the presence of a stronger an
tagonlst There is one day in the year
though when all restraint is removed and
ne, or several hundred of them, are allowed
to let themselves loose
This red letter day in the newsboys life is
on the occasion of the excursion granted
him each year by John II. Starin 1t came
off the other day, and the programme varied
little from previous years. First the largest
double-deck barge in the harbor of New
York is made ready at dock early in the
morning. but no earlier than the boys begin
to swarm toward it Each gamin has se-
cured free ticket days before the event.
on his proving that he was an all wool news
boy and at least a yard in length. A squad
OF police are on hand to prevent b'oodshed,
and keep the boys from going in swimming
off the dock. There are from 80 to 500 Of
them, and the pandemouium they keep up
so of waiting the order is given to go on
board, and then scramble commences to
get them in line so as to get them on board
Indian file. Those not possessing tickets are
weeded out, leaving $50 to 60 on boa1d. In
tho meantime a band of nine brave mu-
scians have taken their lives in their hands
and intrusted themselves to the mercy OF
the boys later on. But they are a green
band, they have never furnished music to
newsboys' excursion before, and it is likely
that Starin has not money enough to secure
their services again, at least he has never
yet been able to hire the same band twice.
Well, the boat starts, so does the band
and so do the boys lungs, the latter to an
nounce to all New York and portion OF
the state of New Jersey that the tenth an
nual excursion Of the newsboys is in pro-
gress The first subject to engage the boys
attention is the band, who are playing
NMikado" airs. The $50 resolve themselves
Into musical committee to instruct the
band as to their wishes. "None of your
hifalutin music, give us jgs and At ward
tunes or we'll trow you overheard" is the
way their request is put The band find it
polite to obey and the boys dance in pairs.
Waltzing Is what they called it, though
wrestling would be the better name.
Then a strong man rolls out on the deck
the first of eleven barrels of yellow paper
bags. Each boy receives bag containing
bun, aspice cake, two wodoughnuts asandwich
and two sections of the destructive bakers
pie. These are disposed of as follows: The
pie is first gobbled, the SANDY wich follows
and then the doughnuts Then trouble be.
gins for the band.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
NIasterlx self.Protection.

Capt. Jack Adams, formerly Of the Nine
teenth Massachusetts, the present sergeant-at-
arms of the state legislature, has keen sense
of humor, aud can appreciate anything that
has even 40 per cent Of a joke about it. One
afternoon, during those dark days of the late
civil war, the captain was walking along a
lonely road in Virginia, some distance from
his camp, when peculiar noise in an adi ia-
cent field attracted his attention; in double
time he arrived upon the scene; there lay the
carcass of as fine "a mutton" as ever graced
the table of an epicurean brigadier; standing
over it with u "sheepish" look was six-foot-
three soldier, with his rifle. Under Capt
Jacks penetrating and questioning glance,
the boy in blue never WINGED but, with a
look of injured innocence, volunteered the re-
mark: I'm be hanged X III LET any darned
sheep bite me!n-Boston Courier.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14

The rest OF the lunch is slowed in the
pockets or inside the shirt, the paper bag is
inflated and burst, then pressed into wad
and thrown into the yawning openings of
the musicians brass instruments. From
that time until the boat lands the air is full
of flying buns, doughnuts and even chunks
of pie. Before the boat touches the landing
100 boys are overheard to get ahead of it by
swimming. How the boys spend their time
on shore must be imagined. For half
hour before the boat starts to return the
whistle is blown at intervals, but notwith-
standing that precaution it is found by
actual count that some half dozen boys are
left to find their way back to New York as
best they can Two policemen accompany
the expedition to preserve the peace. And
a strong man is towed in rowboat after
the barge, to pick up the boys MS they fall
or are thrown overheard by their COM
panions
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
POINTERS,
Also sct:ers-The Use and Abu,e Of Bird
Dogs.

ALSO ~tIttrS-t ne Use ana ADhse OF blru
Dogs.
The ordinary bird dog consists chiefly of
ribs and legs There are two kinds the pointer
and setter They are so named from certain
personal peculiaritieS when searching for
game They are used chiefly to locate prairie
chickens nnl bring tleas into the house.
When the pointer sets out to find prairie
chicken it puts its nose to the ground and
starts across the prairie at n rapid rate. Be
fore going far it invariably experiences a
change Of mind and comes back The pro-
gramme is repeated, with few miscellaneous
curves dropped in 10 throw the prairie chicken
off her guard and get up an appetite for din
nor While making these evolutions valuable
pointers have frequently been injured by hav
ing their nose drop into a gopher hole and
break off. After that pointer may make an
excellent parlor ornament, but seldom
amounts to much for hunting purposes.
When n pointer stumbles onto IA chicken
which it can't well avoid, it has habit of
raising foreleg to call attention to the feet.
One which would point out bird with hind
leg would be a curiosity and command a high
price. good pointer, after having struck
this attitude, will keep it for long time if no
sportsman comes to its relief and srareS up
the bird and shoots calf over in an adjuiu-
ing fslf
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
4 Heart For ANY Fate.

"Erastus,' said Il citizen to a colored man
on the market, you live out ON Prospect
street, don't YOU"
"Yeo sab"
"Ive rented that fiSe-acrc field this side of
the railroad tracks, and did think Of plant
ing it all to watarmelons"
"Yes, sab. Dat w6uld he II boss spccliula-
shun, sab. OATS de hes groun' in de hull
state fur wateimelyons. Bein l lib clus by
I'll watch de- field fur you"
while did think of planting it to melons,
nS said, I've concluded 10 use il all for
potatoes. hope you are not disappointed.
Erashls"
ooh, no, no, sab, I'ze allus bin about
ekally divided tween 'tatcrs an melyons. y
Detroit Free Press
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
Queer wrinkles.

No COPY WANTED
Oillce boy TO cditOrl-Thcre is man out
side who says that he has bill he wants TO
present Editor Say to him that his manu-
script is respectfully declined
JUST HER SIZE.
81 think | wear tw0s." She simpercd to the
shoemaker; do notiH Yes, ma'am,n said
the honest dealer, ''you wear twosr Then,
under his breath, "One on each foot"
NEW AND FRESH.
Reporter docking for itemsl-Amything
now or fresh this morning in the railroad
line: Railroad official Him
let me see-yes, that paint you are leaning
against is new and fresh 1t was only put on
this morning.
JUSTLY CELEBRATED.
"Do you know why we celebrate Washing
tons Birthday asked Mr. Hendricks of his
son Bobby; why his birthday is honored
more than-than mine, fcf instance:" "Oh,
yes, responded Bobby, promptly; "George
Washington never told lie"
THE TRIALS OF FARMING
81 can't imagine what the trouble is with
that COW, said New Yorker, who is giving
his attention to amateur farming this season.
"Shc looks all right commented neighbor.
YES, She looks all right agreed the New
Yorker, but the doocid critter won't give
down her milk When bought her month
ago she gave twenty-tour quarts day: now
I'm lucky to get five, And il isn't because
she doesn't get MIXED often enough added
the puzzled amateur Not a day passes |
don't milk that cow half dozen times, at
least New York sun
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
rInying mnII.c ns IIe Tnhnr.lnnn =

Mothcr-Why, Harry, You haven't got
through playing house down on the beach,
have yuu:
Hnry-Nes'm
Mothcr-W What's the matter, Didn't You
have a good time,
Ilarry-No'm; that Carrie Iutson is a
mean old thing. She wouldn't fight bit like
you and papa and wheu hit Lor on the head
she cried She's no fun, n,-Tid-Bits.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
DISAPPOINTMENT.

! asked my love to row with me
Upon the muoulit lake:
And, far from shore, where none could see,
/ tried a kiss Ia take
She promptly boxed my ears, and so
We're on bad terms just now,
thought we'd have pleasant row
Instead, we had a row.
cambridge Chronicle.
The Wilmingtonian., 1886-08-14
TWO LETTERS.

Ny darling Wife lho writes, "yome homr;
"aauat 10 without you
Thruu hout tllc+r gloomy rooms tuam;
My tEon. hts are all 'thout you.
"Buf il you think it best to stay,
Why. do So perhaps you'd better
Don't think of me at all, pray
And thus winds up the letter,
Quickly a smile goes DER his face,
As in the ink again he dips
"Dear john Jhe writes you know the place,
And don't forget to bring the chips"
Tom Mason. in New York Sun.