Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-08-05
WIT AND HUMOR.
The great woman question-"Wha
did she have on?n-Lunn Union.

LHo great woman queStlon-"Wn nat
did she have onP"-Lynn Union.
Customer-.Do BARRIERS find it hard
to raise the wind in these timesPp Bar
ber-'.No, sir. Not if the razor is
sharp. "--LosceH Citizen.
Employer Ito collector)-"See Mr..
Smith," Collector-"O yes" En-
ployer-"Was he annoyed at your call
ing upon him?" Collector-.'Not a
bit He asked me to call again IN.
Y. San.
As far as we have noticed there has
been thus far no organized movement
for an increase in "the wages of sin. I"
Boston Record. As sthe wages of sin
is death" will the Record tell us what
rs per cent advance would be?-
LosceU Courier.
Geronimo is not pronounced Gee
ronimo, but Heeronimo, says morning
editor. Hood hracious, what is he
hiving usp What hay and hiddy style
of talk this hentleman would het us in
to. BY hosh, we won't have it. Ho
to! do to!- Washington Critic.
Sleeping-car porter-"W What kind of a
chance do you think one of us has to
raise in the world and get rich, any
howp" Traveler-'.Well, really don't
know; but, judging from circumstances,
l should think you had no better oppor-
tunity than bank cashier-not a bit
bettern
"Yes,n said husband, sadly, s'my
| wife is devotee of the red flag. The
very sight of one arouses her to high
pitch of excitement. Surely she can
not have any sympathy in common with
| such cut-throats.' Eyes she has. I"
"What, Anarchists and SocialistsPn
mo, auctioneers."
II see the Socialists of Chicago are In
ferment," observed the Judge. you
surely are mistaken" replied the Major.
mistaken! Nothing of the kind.
Didn't see it in the paper?" Cant
help it if you did Ferment means to
work, and that's something Socialists
don't do. Ptttsburg Chronicle.
Aunt Matilda-Dear me! that's my
minister, the Rev. Ananias Howler,
knocking, and he does so dislike dogs
Miss Prettypert-Never mind, auntie,
I'll be off; good-by. Aunt M.-Well, if
you wouldn't mind, dear! / shouldn't
like lingo to bite Mr. Howler. Miss
P.-Certainly not. He's most I'M
wholesome-looking man.-Fun.
The Eureka (Cal,) Brass Band has
received its instruments, but evidently
not its full instruction, as the Sentinel
of that town respectfully requests resi-
dents to be forbearing for few months
while the members of the band are
practicing This is construed by some
as an earnest appeal against the organ
ization of a Vigilance Committee. N
Y World
Street-Car Philosophy: Calm Con-
ductor-"Can't take that quarter, sir!n
Indignant passenger-''Pd like to know
why notr' G.. Cts too smooth. )"
'Well! That's cool! You gave me that
very quarter on this car this morning.
l took it from you in change" "Well,
you see, we are more particular than
you are. San francisco Wasp.
''Get inside, sir, ordered the brake
man on the Third avenue elevated road.
Passengers are not allowed to stand
on the platform" but you allow
those two men to stand ON the plat
form" said the passenger, "and why
shouldn't l?'' Those two gentlemen
are personal friends of mine,h said the
brakeman INDIGNANTLY. Y. Sun
All, these landlords! Landlord Ito
tenant blow did that door get mutt
lated at the bottom in such an out
rageous manner?n Tenant-"My dog
was mad last week, and bit it before
lxtyn on h Ill
that day." Landlord Why didn't
you take that door off the hinges be-
fore you left? Seems to me little more
foresight might be used in some cases."
l-Itd-BitS.
Some years ago we had an absent
minded wife who lost brass safety pin.
She could not remember whether she
had swallowed it or inadvertently stuck
it in the small of her back. Three years
afterward she complained of an acute
pain in her right arm. Two days after
applying fly blister she found the
safety pin in the tray of an old trunk in
the attic.-Detroit Tribune
Minister dining with the family
"My young friend, you must come one
of these days and spend an afternoon
with my little boys" Little Johnny
| (delighted) land can | see the skef-
eton, too?" Minister keleton! Why,
what do you mean?" Little Johnny
(paralyzing the whole company 40,
l heard ma say to pa that she didn't
know what she'd do if she had such an
ugly skeleton in her closet as you have. !"
These laughable calls upon a library
for books are recorded in the Library
Journal: Santa Claus bounded ca
bound volume of 81. Nichotas) "Snow
bier" (Zenobia.) Pneumonia Sc
ries." "Phantasmagoria by Hans
Christian Andersen. /" Qmproyisatore. J
'Mr. Esaac's Tale of Modern India. :"
"Erskine's Letters on Representative
Men," "Gosher's Winter in Russia"
Smith (caressing stack of blue
chips)-''All velvet, boys, every one OF
'em. It's better to be born lucky than
rich. My tailor catches me for a spring
suit tomorrow sure. I'll play one more
hand and quit you" Same Smith
| (after the hand is played) -Four skies
are go-o-od. They beat an ace full to
a dead certainty. Let me have stack
of reds, and I'll give you check for
'em. IN Y Times.
One of the most prominent dairymen
of Orange county, New York, has a
spring on his farm in which for years
he has kept fine brook trout The
dairyman is most upright and con-
scientious man, and was gricved to get
the following note from New York
man: 1.-The trout you sent me in one
of the cans of milk was very fine,
thanks; but wasn't that queer way to
send itP"-ForeSt and Stream.
A little 5-year-old lady came from
Montpelier to St. Adams the other day
with her mamma on visit, and after a
hard days work at play was rather
tired. While she was preparing for
bed that night she was pretty cross, and
when told to say her prayers she re-
fused to do SO. When asked why she
would not pray as usual she said:
Mamma, it isn't any use 10 say prayers
in St Albansr'-St. Adams Messenger.
Planter-"That's a vicious-looking
mule you've got there, Pompey." POM
pey-'.Dat mewel, sab? Dat am che of
the wondahs of the world" Planter
Zone of the wonders of the worldP'
Pompey-"Yes. sab; dat mewel spilled
me outen de wagon yesterday" Plant
er-'Is that why you call him one OF
the wonders of the world?" Pompey-
"Yes, sab; Pompey's spiller, you know.