The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1886-04-10
ALLEGED HUMOR.

THE pugilist who strikes out quickly
believes in the immediate delivery sys-
| tem.-New Haven News.
THE first flowers OF spring-Those
which your wife selects for her Easter
bonnet. Fall River Advance.
We disapprove OF broom-drills. The
average woman can WELD a broom too
we'll already.-New Orleans Picayune.
PAPER is being used as a substitute
for wood. 1t is also being used as a
substitute for railroads. and mining
companies.-Now Haven News.
"HELLo! Charley, what are you
doing now" Nothing. You see we
had fire down at our store" "Did
your" "Yes, was fired New Ra-
ven News.
my dear, said a Burlington photog
rapher to his wife, as he secured his
plate with his napkin, al do wish you
could teach Bridget to wipe dishes by
the dry-plate process. Huntington
Free Press.
IRATE customer at bankrupt sale
| See here! Both of the shoes you sold
me are alike; neither are right; they're
| both OF them left. Won Failsky ICON
solingly)-Vell, matam, it's a cohld
! day.-CalifOrnia Maverick.
WOMEN are liable to make many
mistakes, but not one OF them, at least
no white woman, ever gets so far
wrong that she puts pulverized char
coal on her face instead OF pearl pow
der.-Philadelphia Herald.
A GERMAN rushed into drug store
on Penn Avenue yesterday and ex-
claimed: "Mein Gott, young man, |
eat raw bork, und Idink dere vos doss
machinery in it.-Pittsbprg Chronicle
Telegraph.
| A FRIEND, but not an admirer, of
Senator Jones, of Florida, sends him
word to come home, as sensible wo
men are not marrying fools nova
days" II such is the case, they must
have left off the practice very recently.
Boston Record.
1--WE 60 to press at instead OF 4 to-
day." said Tennessee paper, sin or
der TO attend to some business OF i'm.
portance in the country" At precise
ly five minutes OF two high-toned.
looking men with shot-guns called, and
wanted to know where the editor was.
LADY caller-Come here, Mollie.
Mollie (aged 6)-What furf l.. C.-I
want to talk to you. Now tell me,
how do you like your little brother?
M.-Oh, he's tross and always tryin'.
l.. C.-Indeed! What ails that little
man? MI dunno, but l dess he
hatchin' teeth.-EvansviHe Argus.
your uncle is getting better, hear"
Completely cured, my dear boy; act
i've as at 20 years" at would be
funny if you should die before him; then
he would be your heir" "Oh, no."
"How's that? Wouldn't he be your
heir?" "Yes; but that wouldn't be
funny. Lyons Mail.
"WHAT is a spirit, papa?" asked
little boy just from Sunday-school.
"a spirit, my boy" replied the father,
after some cogitation, sis something
which you can perceive, but cannot
see." 'Yes, know" said the hope
full son, who in turn had taken time
to consider: cts what you smelt OF
after coming out OF the cupboard last
evening. ."-Boston Transcript.
"HAvE you and Clara had a quarrel
Mr.. Featherly?" inquired Bobby, as
that young man stretched his legs un-
der the supper table and unfolded his
napkin. "Certainly not, replied Bob
by's sister with asperity, "don't be
oolsh." "Well, then, persisted Bob
by, doggedly, "when he left you last
night at the front door what did you
call him an insatiate monster tor? ?"
OLD Mrs. Bently-Do you know
what's become of young George Samp-
son, who used to spree it 30 much Lost
summer? Old Mrs Browser-I hear
he went West an has become con-
tirmed teetotaler. Old Mrs. Bently-
Oh, dear, is it possibleY An he was
sech 8 likely youngman, too. 1t beats
all what people'll do when they once
gets taste for rum.
AN elderly gentleman in the cars be-
tween Houston and San Antonio ap-
preached a stranger, and said: OK
cuse me, but is your name Smith ?''
NO "Please excuse my mistake"
"You needn't excuse yourself, al.
though to tell the truth I'd rather
have no name at all, or be called Judas
Iscariot than have the name of Smith.
By the way, what is your name?"
| Smith. ."-Texas SiftiDgS.
MISTAKES still continue to occur in
lno IudHdScluclt vi IIlo bdlfcSGOu loi-
ephone Office. The message of a fond
mother, whose cherub had eaten too
much, and gentleman who had sent
home large red fish for dinner, got
mixed yesterday. First voice-"What
shall | do about the baby?" Second
voice-"Scrape all the scales of him,
cut him open. and have him dressed
nicely for dinner with caper sauce.
Amt he whopper ?"-Texas Siftings.
IT is stated that lawyer was some
time ago cross examining a witness IN
local court, when he asked: "Now,
then, Patrick, listen to me. Did the
defendant in this case strike the plain
tiff with malice?" ''No, sor, sure
replied Pat, gravely; "he struck him
wild the poker, bedad." Again ne in
quired of the same witness: "Did the
plaintiff stand on the defensive during
the affray?" "Divil diffinsive, yer
honor; be stood on the table. ."-Gham-
bcrs' Journal.
THE internal revenue officers OF
Tennessee are Jealous in performing
their duties The other day the col
lector noticed that one of his agents
seemed to be in state of unusual ex-
hilaration. "Why, john" he OBJ
served in surprise, whats the mean
ing of this? l am astonished to see
YOU intoxicated. What have you
been doing, cir 2" working thic)
sir" "Ahl What have you been do
ing, pray?" "Seizing (hic) still"
Graphic.