The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-04-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

YOU, sirP'' Student-"No, sir, not at all. |
But am a little in doubt how to frame
nv answer so as TO give you the precise |
information for which you seem to
ask"
.In Portland, Ore, the fire depart
ment engines will be provided with
shoes, so that they can run as sleighs
to fires and make better time. And to
protect their chose" probably.-Boston
Post.
English Importation: ''Miss Fanny, if
you will consent to be Mrs. 'Arrison,
nothing will be wanting to make our
'appiness complete" Miss Fanny: You
forgot one thing" E. l.: What is it?'
Miss Fanny: '.An H."-Puck.
Thoughtful young lady Ito college
graduate who, in you opinion, Mi.
Muscle, was the noblest Roman of them
allP'' College graduate-"I used to
think Hanlan was. but l wouldn't bet
cent ON any of 'em w."-Nea0 York
Saln.
..Some one has invented theatre-hat
that shuts up to be worn by the ladies.
That's all right. Now let some party
invent something that will hold young
man in his seat between the acts, and
two nuisances will be abated.-Norrts-
toa0n Herald.
Cornell manners: Illustrated lecture
on general chemistry. Professor-"l
will not treat, ETC." Smith (who has
been DOING under the influence of re-
cent potations, half-aroused by the
familiar sound)-"Good fr you, Of
boy" Cornell Era.
Magistrate-''What is the plea of the
prisoner at the bar, charged with being
Implicated in the Roberts saferobberyP"
Prisoner-'I beg leave to state, your
Honor, that was there, but simply as a
tool for Others" Prisoners COUNSEL
would explain to the court that my
clients name is Jimmy. .''-TTdbits.
Wife-..Well, Ned, what do you think
Charlie wants nowp He asked me to-
day if l wouldn't help him tease you to
buy him bicycle" Indulgent father
(who once had ambitions himself-
"Bicycle? Nonsense. The boy can't
have it. Tell him to go up in the attic,
and fall down two flights of stairs. II
will be Just about the same thing, and
save me 500" -SonaerOille Journal.
The Sprite, four-page monthly pub
lished in Utica, N. Y.-size 2 by 8 in
cIeS-IdS lIlo lOilOWlHS SOunu IcduluS
editorial: "School Discipline keep
q boy after school is very bad for his
health as he does not get enough of out.
door exercise. After while he becomes
morbid then runs away from home and
ends by committing suicide which is
sometimes very bad for the constitution.
Moral-Don't Keep Boys After School
P. S.-The editors of this paper never
get kept after school but say this out OF
pity for those who do"
At Federal Point, Fla, lately q mum.
Der of the village wiseacres were assem-.
bled in front of the post-office when a
couple of ancient wrecks, called oxen
through courtesy, came into sight A
young man who was present recognized
approaching and exclaimed in excited
tones. why, there is old Buck and
Jerryr' One of the bystanders, taking
look at the turnout, said: ''Well,
don't know which is Jerry, but Buck
looks bad. ."-DetrOit Free Press.
Nine. X, who has never been outside
of Montmartre, has the innocent fault oi
trying to make her acquaintances be.
1ieve that she has travelled all over
Europe. ''When you were at Venice,
inquiries visitor one day to whom she
was telling the story of her travels, Ibid
you see the lion of St. Mark'sP" ''Did
see himr' replied she. What ques-
ton! Why, saw him at the very mo-
ment when they were giving him his
dinner, and gave him piece of meat
myselfr' Tableau.-Paris Figaro.
Two little Belvidere children engaged
in mild quarrel, when one said to the
other reprovingly: You're naughty
boy, Johnny, and you'll have to sit OIL
Gods left hand.' Johnny repelled the
insinuation, but his companion insisted
that he had offended to a degree thai
made him deserve that punishment, ane
that he would surely receive it. ''Well
anyway" said Johnny, 81 won't have
to sit on Gods left hand great while
Just for that; and then He'll reach
round behind Him and snake me rounG
to his right side. .''-LoaOeH Times.
Wife (reading the paper) )-"Well,
declare, if that isn't the queerest thing
ever heard Of" Husband-"What'
that?" Wife-"Why, here in the pape1
is an account of wedding up in Man
chester, and among the wedding pres
ents was bull-terrier given to the brid'
by her father" Husband-'I don't SCI
anything odd about that She was the
old mans youngest daughter, WASH
she?" Wife-''Yes; but what's that 90
to do with itp" Husband-'Why, o
course, if she and all the rest were mar
ried, he had no further use for th
dog Somerville Journal.
During the recent freeze some dark
les ventured out on the ice in lake il
the lower part of Lowndes County, an,
one of them fell in. The water was owe
his head, but he was only a short dis
tance from shore. He immediatel,
dived under the ice and swan towar
the shore At length, finding himsel
to be within his depth. he let himsel
down, and, placing his feet on tn
ground deliberately battered a hol
through the ice above with his hea
and escaped without headache. Tha
is hard tale, but a darky's head
proverbially hard. = Vatdosta (Ga.
Times.
A gentleman on his way up-tow
stepped into Broadway grocery an
asked the price of box of strawberrie
displayed in the window. 'My wife
sick" he explained to friend who wa
with him, ''and few of those berr ie
would do her good" "Five dollars,
replied the grocer's dictum. Five do
larsr' he exclaimed, pushing thei
away, at would be wicked to pay this
much for a few strawberries. Sorry
sir," said the grocer, anything els
sir?' "What are Reina Victorii
worth?' Seventeen dollars, sir; sha
send you box?" ''Yes, you may ,
well. IN. Y. Times.
Mr.. Malapropos (to Miss Charmant
who is smiling and animated) )-'Yo
remind me of an old French teacher
mine noticing change in Miss c.
expression at the adjective)-O, n
that you're old, or look like her; n
that, but Miss Charmante (agai
radiant)-"No? But how then?" M
Malapropos-"Well, she used to sa
you know, that it was so absurd fl
people to laugh in conversation, for
laugh is always to distort ones face
Miss Charmantee-"And you consid
that I-n Mr. MalaDrOnoS-EsO b