The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-06-12
A FRIEND wANTER.
Suggestion of New Idea for Newspaper
Advertising Columns.

Suggestion of a New Idea for Newspaper
Advertising Columns.
We hear of peoples seeking by pub
lie advertisement for a suitable partner
in marriage, but who ever heard of any
ones advertising for a friend? Yet
why notp Every one, it is likely, has
in mind some more or less vague ideal
of the absolutely perfect comrade.
May he not be supposed to exist'some-
where, and to be in the habit of read
ing daily newspaper, or monthly
magazine? Go to, let us seek him,
then, by appropriate advertisement.
Something in this wise would 1t run:
Wanted, Friend. The undersigned,
having existed Incompatible solitude
long enough to experience pretty
keen desire for ''some one to whom to
say, How sweet is solitude, and hav-
ING as vet met no one who exactly sat-
isles his idea, would beg hereby to an
nounce his need. The applicant must
be rather old. in order to be fitted to
give advice--a limited amount of it
wisely; and at the same time rather
young, in order to receive it in liberal
quantity and in a meek frame
of mind. He must be of medium
height, intellectual, and in the
enjoyment of robust spiritual
health. A written guarantee must be
given of freedom from all contagious
| defects of character. He must be a
thoroughly disillusioned and sad
vanced person, and yet be able to SYM
pathize with any little illusions or su-
perstitions of the subscriber. His
heart must be full of love for men in
the abstract. but entirely devoid, as
I yet, of affection for any particular one
of them. He should, however, be able
to exhibit satisfactory scars of early
/ love affairs, and a more or less scorched
aspect of spirit from some previous
period of GOe}t-Schmerz. Thus he will
/ be ready to shed furtive tears at any
pathetic fragments of autobiography
the subscriber may mingle in his con-
yersation. He will also be expected
to look unutterable things when mis-
own past in general is alluded to, but
never to mention any of it in tiresome
detail. His memory must be enriched
with portions of the. subscribers writ
ings, which he will quote on frequent
occasions. with a happy spontaneity;
and he must hold the unbiased opinion
that his friend is the greatest violin
amateur, marine painter, poet, polo
! player and master of English prose
style of our own or any other time. He
must be on similar intimate terms with
several other equally, or almost equally,
important personages, whose private
affairs he will communicate, and whom
he will backbite to the subscriber in an
entertaining manner. The applicant
must undertake that. when they dine
together at restaurants, he will never
order the viands, in return for which
concession he will from time to time be
permitted to pay the bill. In walking
on public streets, the applicant will
carry his face well turned round and
his ears pricked up toward the sub
scriber, so as to hear him easily with
out forcing him TO deviate from the
fixed carriage Of his own head, so nee
essary to his conception of himself as a
masterful and positive character. The
same rule will be adhered to in con
versing together in the cars, especially
when the subscriber chooses to keep
his own face turned away toward the
window and still to continue speaking
in his ordinary low and dignified tone
of voice. The applicant must have in
herited or acquired a fondness fol
hearing manuscriptread, and will never
commit the indiscretion of attempting
to read any of his own. For this anC
other good reasons-N. B.--no person
of the literary class need apply.-At
lGntic MONTHLY.