Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-02-01
Utah ORATORS IN SESSION.
A Meeting in the Tithing Office
Cellar, and n Kind of Lime rain
club Organized.


Nfelchesidick Ham was convened in the
tithing office cellar for the purpose oil Or
ganizing Mutual Improvement Associ-
alton. The attendance was much larger
than the biggest ward fast meeting ever
seen, and there was enough OF the relief
society element present to bring the
meeting right down to business without
those JFoman's Erponent-lille prelim-
naries which always give so many the
collie in its most violent stages.
Absalom McIntire suggested the name
of Horatio Crabtree for temporary chair
man, and owing to the wealth and aristo-
cratic influence of the gentleman from |
South Cottonwood the nomination re-
ceived an instantaneous and thunderous
response, that made the old building
culver and shook down several uncured
hams from the cob-webbed beams above
Horatio took the chair with u Charlie
Crow-like diffidence, and said;
eff lean hab de unseparated prayers OF
dis conference will try to propishi-
ate de honers so bounchusly perciptated on
me. De fust dooty OBJ dis convenshnn,
as / take it, am to 'lect a sergunt-of-arms
and picket him on de outside oh de outer
doah. And ii dis 'semblage hab con-
tracted de noshun dat dere am danger
from de trap doah ober dere by brudder
Septimus McCook, dis meetin ill pint
speshul committee to take charge OBJ dat
apachur. Moroni Agramonte is hereby
instituted to de cumbersome and pre-
caryus offus aio'sed, and de congrega-
shun am enjoined to celebrate ON de
questchun in relation to de trap doah."
Septimus reluctantly removed himself
to the post OF honor and the chairman
continued:
"My concepshun OBJ de ambshun oh dis
meetin' am dat a puin'nent club
or 'ciety be 'naugurated under de spirit
OBJ de constitushun and wild de aim to re-
juvenate de cullud race and Iced dem by
de horns back into dat prime-evil con-
dishun which dey had arriv at befoah de
stahs and stripes sang togedder fob glory.
To dis end L 'spectfully nominate de on
erible Home-rule Ireland foah secrketery
and CASHIER, and move dat de organiza-
shun be proclaimed, signed, sealed and
delibered as it stands"
Brother Crabtree was the only man
present who made any pretensions to
parliamentary knowledge, and the an
nouncement was therefore received with
out murmur, and when the vote came
it was unanimous and loud. The chair
declared the meeting duly organized and
ready to receive any communication from
the members. After pause OF several
seconds, during which Moroni Agramonte
peeped in to see whether the meeting had
adjourned and dispersed through the
trap-door, Israel Murray arose and
handed to the secretary paper resem-
bling warrantee deed, and in cultural
whisper requested that the document be
read aloud, as he was afraid OF exposing
his lungs to the diphtheria-like odor
emanating from the northeast corner of
the cellar where the last shipment OF
tithing potatoes from Sanpete was piled
up. The paper was an essay on the sill
yer question and read as follows:
ode prerambel and rezolushuns here
matter provided is ment as an exhibition
on de part OBJ dis assoshiashun to show
dat nuthin shoart OBJ an unlimited coin
age will receibe de suppoart ov dis peo-
pie. Foah why? Fust, bekase dar
hattie bin an unsiffishency ov dis meejum
amung de INDECENT masses OBJ de popu-
luss since time was not, an de cry oh
untold millyuns hath 'scended up over
ensign peak demandin moan OBJ dis lucur
dan de Treasury oh ne nashun hath
heah-to-foah shelled out. Am de hart
rending peels and criun in de wilderness
ov desc quintillions oh poah, half ded
crutchers who hab neber owned Track
shun of huff silver dollahs to pervide
foah dar families sumpchusly and pay
dere tithin-am desc 'peels, | say, gwine
to be lowed to reverberate back wild
emptiness and bitterness on dis peoples
Will Butler Johnson, Jay Gould and few
udder millyunares hay dare car-lodes oh
well gotten gain stoed away in volts a
heap bigger dan dis cellar hoose festuned
rafters are now gazing down on us in
silent awe. De cry OBJ too much silver
my brederin, is all well huff foah desc
city Wall street dead broke-ers, but dat
risin generashun OATS groin up roun us,
ali doze bloated bond holders would dry
up quicker dan de orchards on de nori
bench if dey're'eyes could be pride open
to deze Jacks. / dare foah sigjest dat
Homespun Jensen and Kernel Pickwick
sheldon be set apart and consecrated
| w t'ht w bhuSi SioNh Dtc IOult
to de White House, and dere to submit
to de postmaster oh de interium de post
norton Jacks as hereinafter set foarth
and not to turn dere backs to de capital
till dey hay gainsayed de promise dat sill.
Der, de gloary, de hope, de desire OF
cherry poah and INDECENT member oh dis
republick, is forced to de posishun where
dose wife, picturesk, dollahs oh de daddief
will be coined and circulated widout
limit.
Yours fur helth,
ISRAEL MURRAY"
At the conclusion OF the essay. which
was read with true T. b. Lewisonian clio.
quence, the chairman announced that
information had been received from Ma.
roni Agramonte that he was freezing out.
side the door, and the meeting would
Therefore stand adjourned for one week,
and sebastopol Ringwood was requested
to deliver II red-hot benediction that
would thaNAout thesloorkeeper. As the
assembiage arose atB was about to dis.
perse, the chairman shouted:
DE brederin' will please cum next
Saturday ebenin' duly prepared TO stand
of reasonable 'nitiashun fee. WeddeI
Brudder Murray's silver bill passes q,
not, desc dilapidated tallow candles will
hab to be replenished, an de sekretcrv
, will mira OIL 10 10, a..