The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1886-02-18


Like o phantom of the past he glided
silently into the sanctum, and settled
down ON chair opposite us and smiled
twice. One of his eyes looked directly
back to the fall of the Roman Republic,
and the other peered steadily forward
to the time when the just man shall be
made perfect, which is a long way of.
Il have got something" he said, after
he had allowed us to admire him about
three minutes, (which will either reyo-
lutionize christianity OF create panic
in church"
What do you refer to?"
AN invention of mine, sir. A con-
tribution box that no one will be able
to escape in satisfactory manner.
The box has handle to il that cl ses
up and slides out like a telescope.
Underneath the box is fixed an electric
bell, which is connected with small
bat cry concealed in the end of the
handle. All that you have to do is to
touch spring and you turn on the bell.
The purpose of the bell is to prevent
old sinners from lodging the duty they
owe to their church. Have you ever
seen baldheaded church members with
red speckled noses crouch up in the far
corner of the pew, and snore like fury
and pretend to be asleep when the dea-
con came around to take up the collec-
tion?"
"Yes."
well, their day has passed. They
have either got to ante up the ducats
or root somewhere else. With my
neY contribution box. the deacon walks
in the middle of the aisle, and when he
catches one of the old buffers trying to
beat the missionary fund, he quietly
slides the box under the ear of the
slumberer and sends in an alarm that
gallops through him like rip-saw. /
have seen that box bring sinners face to
face with their duty so quick that it
broke their suspenders. 1t was tested
on q Methodist congregation last Sun
day, and the net receipts were 30 per
cent. more than they had been for a
period OF seven years. The minister of
the church Immediately invested in four
of the boxes, and the board of stewards
presented me with a written testimonial
of their regard. / have received letters
from very near every preacher in the
country, making anxious inquiries con-
corning my invention. lam egotistical
enough to say that it is going to prove
the balm of Gilead to the pious reaper
in the country vineyard, and if it does
not pay at least 100 per cent. on the
investment, / am perfectly willing
for him to walk into town and kick me
on the ear. No matter how tough the
church members are, the box is going
to Jolt money out of them, or dance
with them unit they imagine they have
fallen in with the Philistines and not
jaw-bone in sight. My contribution
box is either going to cast beautiful
halo about religion, or else cause inf
deity to flourish like a cockle-burr
patch. 1t is going to pluck the tares
from the wheat. In other words it will
be the means of compelling those who
have been furnished with religion on
credit to pay up or get out. The
chances are, it will cause a number of
people to adopt Bob Ingersoll or join
the Mormons, but what of that-a few
shall be lost that many shall be saved.
/ tell you, sir, that Tupper's 1.-THE
Taker is sure to prove powerful agent
for good. 1t going to feed the mission
airy, soothe the orphan, and put
broadcloth suit and a plug hat on the
country preacher who right now is
riding a long-eared mule on a forty
mile Circuit, and building up an appetite
for chicken. After all this talk, will
say, sir, that my object in visiting you
was to call your attention to the novelty
of my invention, with the hope that it
might merit a notice at your hands,"
and with gracious smile and awkward
bow he departed. Hence this article.
st. Louis Whip.