The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-11-04
WIT AND HUMOR.

A correspondent wishes to know
how editors spend their leisure hours.
Leisure hours. o, yes; they spend them
catching up with their work. .-BarLiag-
ton Free Press.
An exchange tells how to make an
umbrella case. Easy enough-steal the
umbrella. But who ever heard of an
umbrella case being brought to trial,
anyway.-Burttngt0n Free Press.
In bathhouse. Customer Grantical-
ly)-Here! | say! There are no towels
here. Proprietor-ln a moment, sir.
The gentleman in number seven is near
ly through with 1.-THE Rambler.
A philosopher says that only through
failure can success be attained. This is
perhaps the reason that SO many mer-
chants purchase expensive houses after
having failed.-Nea0 Haven NewS.
An advertisement reads: Wanted,
young man to be partly out of doors
and partly behind the counter" and
the Cleveland Leader asks: What
will be the result when the door slams?"
Guest (rising excitedly from the table,
after tasting an olive for the first time)
IT'S sorry I'd be to disturb the hilar-
ity of the mating, but l behave some
joker's been sailing the guseberriesr' r'-
Judy.
How is this. son-ln-law; you went to
the ball last night and mere it is scarce
ly two months since you lost your wifeP"
81 acknowledge II, belle mamma, but
then, you know, l dance SO sadlyr'-
French Fun.
There are little, sweet, pretty, and
oil IS
life, but the fat man who breaks sus-
pender on hot day when running to
catch Il train doesn't think of this
Boston Courier.
Wanted-the address of an officer
serving in the battle of Gettysburg
above the rank of Major who didn't
..save tine day" or turn the tide at
some critical point of that momentous
struggle. e.-lFashington Star.
They have some bright pupils in the
Tyngsborough schools. At the eXamin-
alton the other day boy was asked,
"Whwt are the warmth-producing
foods?" His reply was. Cayenne pep
per and Jamaica ginger. ."-Letotsto"
(Ne.) journal.
When you have an etching of Mllet's
"Angelus" don't put a Japanese fan
under it, and when your longing for
Greek art is gratified by plaster cast
of the Venus iii Milo don't enhance its
beauty with surah scarf drape.-
Toronto Globe.
A local paper in Virginia chronicles
that mosquitoes are very thick this
spring. We never saw very thick
mosquito, nor do we fear one of that
sort The sting's the thing, wherewith
he jabs while lowering on the wing
Philadelphia CAL.
Dumley-Fish may be good brain
food, but l can't see that it has any eff
feet upon me. Robinson-How often
do you eat it? Dumley-rve been eat
ing it three times day. Robinson
You don't eat it often enough, Dumley.
-Ne,o York San.
"The picture is very fair. Brown. but
YOU look too sad" Yes. looked sad
on purpose. You See it's for my wife,
who is in the country, and if it looked
bright and cheerful she'd be coming
home to find out what the matter was" :"
-Nea0 York Times.
We'll, now. Mary, the cook, has left
u.s." said she. in deep distress. land
what sort of shape are we in now?'
'.In the shape of Il polygon, he respond
ell with great glee, for he was para
grapher, and had never got off Il good
thing SO impromptu betore.-Judge.
At the club: Breakfast time "Wai-
taw." "Yessir." 'Give ME, aw, some
oatmeal, tomataw salad, vol. and
a pint of St Julien" .'Yessir. And a
nice little steak or chop, sir?' '.Steak!
,@1 H. 1,,Ir I
twuck dwivarP"-1'oOn Topics.
Look here" remarked De Wiggs to
the corner grocery, "this pavement is
awfully slippery. Why don't you throw
some sand on it?' "Can't get bit, :"
replied the grocer. "Well, throw scme
sugar over it; the pavement won't know
the difference" Chestnut? yelled the
grocer.
Proprietor to Clerks-I have procured
a complete stock of medicines. gentle
men, and should any of you be taken
suddenly i'll while the baseball season
continues at the polo grounds, you will
not need to go home, as l can prescribe
for you myself right here on the prem
ises.-Puck.
Mrs. A went into the kitchen one
morning and informed Ellen that Mr.
Thompson, neighbor and a prominent
resident, had committed suicide. Ellen
looked ut her with an expression oi
mingled establishment and disgust, and
said: ''Oh-h-h. mum, has he? Wild
who?' Harper's Monthly.
Customer Ito drug clerk )-"What do
you charge for arsenic?" Drug clerk
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES do you want il
for?" Customer-'I am French candy
manufacturer" Drug clerk (suspicions
allayed)-''O, l beg pardon sir;
thought perhaps you wanted to take it
yourself. ''-Ne,0 York San.
First detective-Hist; I'm on the
track of burglar. Second detective
Hush! So am /. There's my man.
First detective-Sav. lookee here that
my brother; he's all right. Come. help
me eaten my man. See him theref
Second detective-Confound you; that's
my father.-O Omaha World.
Now that Niagara rapids have been
safely navigated there is but one more
world to conquer. If some man will &C
into Wall street and come out unscratch-
ed the Niagara Falls herd will not be
worthy to black his shoe. There's big
gate to Immortality. Who'll be the
first?- Columbus (Ga) Enquirer.
81 wonder if | would look we'll in
black?" said bride of but three
months standing to lady friend.
"Why, are any of your relatives serious
ly illp" No, but my husband insists
on having iced cucumbers every morn
ing for breakfast. and | cannot talk
him out of them. Philadelphia NeeOs.
''Mr. Jones, you might lend me that
novel. l have been wanting to read il
for some time" Il am heart-broken
at being compelled TO refuse, my dear
madame; but I've made it rule not to
lend books-they are never returned.
The proof is before you. You see how
well stocked with volumes my shelves
areP Well, they are all borrowedr-
It'd Bits.
Now comes an iconoclast and says
that there is colored man who lives
at Mount Vernon, where George is
buried. and he told a lady that once
there was Il little slave boy named Ike
who lived in Mr.. Washington's family
and that what George really said was
Il cannot tell lie, father, Ike did it,
but that the father didn't hear straight.
NcD York Post.