News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-16
THE JOKERY BUDGET.
READING To SMILE OVER
IN THE LEISURE HOURS.
One of Iamont's Chestnuts 1T was "a Case
ofGratitude-A CCnsidernte BrOther--A
silent Fightrr-It WIS Dry Out West
Dts md Dashes. Etc, Etc.


IT DIDN'T COME OFF.
"W'y, how yer do, Nancy?" said old
Hester, addressing old Sanderson's
daughter.
"Didn't yer git married last sadday
night?"
mo; the weddin' dat come off didn't
take place"
"Whafo' didn't it, gal?''
"Well, ease der warn't but thirteen
present"
'.All foolishness. You oughtenter
b'lebe in no sich foolish 'spicion ez dat.
| 'clarter goodness, yer makes me err
shamed o. yer, putin offer weddiD' jes'
bekase der want but thirteen dar. Wy
mt yer SEN out an inguce de fo'teenf
pusson ter Gomez"
''Well, daddy did go out an beg him
to come"
"Well, Wy mt yer go ahead an let
him erlone?"
Couldn't"
"Why?"
cease de fo'teenf man was de pusson
tells yer, Aunt Carisy, thirteen is bad
ONE OF THE CHEsTNUTs.
"Daniel."
eyes, madam"
''In cleaning out the rooms, etc., pre-
paratory to finding places to hide away
canned goods for the winter find in
one of the wardrobes this great heavy
pair of rubber boots, with such long
tops. Whose are they?"
"The Presidents, madam"
'Down in the leg of one of them.
find this black bottle, with high cork.
What is that for?"
"Bait."
"And in the other leg is an old pack
of cards wrapped in all oilcloth. Whose
are they?"
ooh! see. They are pair left over
by President Arthur"
Thanks, Daniel"-from the adjoin-
ing ROOM Wasting on Critic.
LOVERS GRATITUDE.
Intimate Girl Friend Ito young bride)
-''You never told me how you became
acquainted with Sydney"
Young Bride-''Didn't l? How fun
nyl Well, you see, first met him in
the country on lovely June day. l
was visiting Mrs Motherly-dear me l
can smell the roses in her garden yet =
and she said: I've invited young
man. a favorite of mine, to call here
this afternoon, because l want to intro
duce him to you. He's such a nice fell
lowr And it was Sydney; and so that
June day proved to be the most fortu-
nate of my life"
Intimate GIRL Friend-''And why
wasn't Ars. Notherly at your wedding?''
Young Biide-''Good graciousl We
never thought of her. She wasn't in
vited. ."-Harper's Baz0r.
TRUE STORY.
They tell a story, said to be true
one, of a farm hand in Ellington years
ago who was so mashed by the rosy
cheeks and bright eyes of a school
ma am boarding with his employer that
he one day remarked with sigh to the
latter: II would give a dollar to kiss
her." "All Iight!" said the complais-
ant employer, you may" When set
tling time came the man found his cash
81 short ''Why did you take out that
dollarl" was asked ''Oh, that was for
kissing the school ma'am," " was replied
"But l didn't kiss her, protested the
man. Well, if you didn't it YVES your
own fault. I gave you leave. ."-Stqt-
ford (C0nn.) Press.
VERY DRY.
Iowa man-Talking about dry wealth
er, why its an actual fact that in Iowa
the watermelons haven't drop in 'em
have to be soaked before we can mar
ket em.
Nebraska an-Shouldn't be sur
prised. Wish you could have been with
me on ride l took during the heated
term
''Hot, eh?"
"Well, didn't feel it so much, but
it was such pretty sight to see the
corn popping in the fields. y Omaha
U0rId
NOT HER FIRST APPEARANCE.
Lawyer Ito timid young woman
Have you ever appeared as witness in a
suit before2
Young woman (blushing)-Y-yes, sir,
of course.
Lawyer-Please state to the jury lust
what suit it was
Young woman with more confidence)
1t was nuns yelling, shi red down
the front and trimmed with a lovely
blue, with hat to match
Judge Qapping violently)-Order in
the court
wRAT HE WANTED.
"Would yez Civ me the price of a
meals" asked a tramp of a venerable and
kindly disposed looking man. Can't YOU
find any work 2" queried the venerable
party as he took off his glasses and wiped
them repa: atory to replacing them so
as to look at the mendicant. "LOokey
here, mister" continued the tramp I
want a fair answer to me question. I'm
asking yez for money an not for work.
Will yez answer the question wild yes
or no :''-S-. PdW Gioje.
SILENT FIGHTER.
II see," he said as he met an old sol
dier comrade at the City Hall yesterday,
''that our generals are having hot dis
pute as to which of them contributed
the most to save the day at Gettysburg.
You were there. | beiieve?"
Eyes, but have no right to talk"
"For why?"
"Because | was simply private SOL
dier, and only had thee bullets shot into
me.--DetyOi Free Press.
HE NEVER SAID IT AGAIN.
The illustrious traveller looked CON
temptuously at the mountains. Moth
ing very steep about here" he said
scornfully make out this bIll, y said
the noble landlord turning to the gal
liant clerk. pronounced Clark And
great hush of measureless awe came
into the office and sat down on trunk
listening to the rcmorseless scratch Of
the busy pen that was laying grade of
about four feet to the yard. te.
AN ALI eyed BUsI Ess MAN.
InQulsitive Son -"Papa, what does
the word alleged mean, whi h / see
used so muchl" Edltor-"Well, it
means, hem reported pretended,
supposed to be, and the like" ''But
l don't understand. papa. Now, what
Is an alleged business man, for in
stance?" IAN alleged business man,
my son, is a man who doesn't advertise"
-fhiladeiDhm cat.
FIGHT.
Uncle Sam Well, now, what's the