The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1886-06-26
FUGITIVE FUN.

FUGITIVE FUN.
What the wits of the Press Turn or in
Their Bright Moments.
Turkish carpets-subdued tones, EN-"
unused Mr.. Clum ban, as he glanced over an
advertisement Say. Charlie, come round
with me to Bland l. Blanks store, will
YOU"
Going to select carpet?"
"Yes. | want one of this new subdued-
tone kind for my front stairs, They creak
at night like all possessed. "-Chtcago Ne,es,
Charlie" said Philadelphia girl to her
lover, what Is the cause Of the trouble be-
tween this country and Canada about catch
ing fish,"
"Why, my dear" replied the lover Can
ada claims that Americans have no right to
| fish within three miles of Canadian shores
Canadian ports to buy bait"
But should think that Americans could
entce all the fish down from Canadian
shores without any trouble"
"HOw!"
"Why, 10y scattering a little ice cream
along the American coast Oh, Pm sure
ice cream would attract them, especially at
this time of the year. Why, it fairly makes
my mouth water to think of ice cream dur
ing the summer."-PhtadelpMia Herald.
A Dog who thot he was awful Smart was
walk!n' along one day when he Seed 4
Bone on the Grass while | never eat
Bones myself" he said, as he looked
Around, "rll bury this for some Poor Dog
Who can't get BeefsteaK He made a
Spring for the Bone, but the Bone slid away
from him, and somebody LATED and LATED
in the terriblest manner. The Boy in the
back yard had String tied TO the Bone.
That's just the way OF it." said the Dog as
he dropped his tail and made Sneak
ANY Feller who tries to do Good Action
in this World il shure to get left" Moral
Il tell you it's just Awful how the Fish
Bite this Spring, and how they Won't let
Boy go Fishing.-Ne,o Orleans Picayune.
A Kingston family moved from their
house month ago, and recently the little
girl of the family and her mother went to
call on the lady who occupied the house
they had vacated. While there the child
saw very small baby that had arrived but
a few days before. She looked at it care
fully, and then said Mamma, we moved
too soon; we'd have got that baby If we had
staid here -hmgSton Freeman.
Robbie returning from school after hist
DRY lesson: Mamma, was Charles IL. an
Episcopalian, NO, my son, why do you
ask that" well, the history says he did
things he ought not to have done, and left
updone things ne ought to have done, so |
supposed he must be-"
"Can you conceive" asked professor,
ian eternal Vacuum portion OF space un-
occupied, an empty void, into which moth.
ing ever enters, from which nothing can
ever come, which maintains inviolate and
forever its own eternal emptiness :" II
can" replied the student; II have a stylo-
graphic pen."-PhiIadeiphia NecS.
A man was bounding around In Car on
a new Dakota road when the conductor
came through.
Can you tell me-" said a man, with
great show OF sarcasm, whether this car Is
on the track or not"
"Sir!" replied the conductor, reaching
into his pocket, here is volume OF the
rules and regulations of this road"
But what do want of it ="
Look it over and see if you can find any
rule saying that must spend my time run
ming alongside of the train reporting its
position to tho passengers. See If there Is
anything in that volume that cOmpels me
to 90 humping myself along on the prairie
and yelling through the windows -Four
wheals off now! or Hind trucks dragging
on the ties! or Gentleman, the baggage
car has just rolled into the ditch! or Pas
sengers will please remaia seated while we
turn off here and scoot across the prairie
after jack rabbitn Look over them rules,
sir, and see If you find any of these direct
ions. If you don't, in the future please take
your observations on the wheels. '-Chsc0go
Ueuld.
A Philadelphia gentleman, after being
shown about the city by citizen Of the
Hub, said to his chaperon: Boston isn't so
well laid out as Philadelphia, NO." re-
piled the latter. "but it will be when it is
as dead ."-Crcsted Butte Gazette.
A clever little three year old, while her
mother was trying to get her asleep, be
came interested in some outside noise. She
was told that 1t was caused by cricket,
when she sasely observed: Mamma, |
think he ought 50 be oiled"
Testsmcntsry !-Country parson (who, in
his poor old Pensioners last illness. had
charitaoly sent him a can Of milk every
day from the v:carage:) "Well, Mrs. Pow
ley, and how have you been since your sad
loss ?" Widow: YES, sir; poor lssac, he's
gone. But afore he went sir, he left the
quart o milk to come to me daily, poor
dear, '-PUnch.