Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-06-28

The cyclone raises everything on the
farm but the mortgage.
Jewish paper says, 'Resoutions can
effect little; resolution is what is needed"
Oughtn't the "Deer Park" that is used
for honeymoon to be spelled with an
"a?"
DIR. Mary Walker is living illustration
of the well-known fact that clothes do
not make the man.
"This is my sphere" said a happy
wife, as she patted her bald-headed hus-
band on the pate.
Mamma-Why don't you move out of
the sun, Kitty, lift troubles you so? Kit
ty (crying)- Cause got here first.
"What's in name?" a.recent traveller
was heard to exclaim, ''Why, about the
hottest country on the globe is Chilli
81 hear that Filkins is sinking slowly"
''Well, you couldn't expect him to sink
rapidly. He has had no doctor, SO far.
Which is the longest word in the En-
gliSh language? ''Smiles," because there
is mile between the first and last letter.
1t is in better form now to say to man
who is boring you, "Oh, bring me chair ="
than to remark bluntly, ''You make me
tired"
Fifty thousand dollars year, Dan, is
not bad income to get married on?"
''NO, said Dan, but you can't tell how
long it is going to last"
More than four thousand devices for
coupling have been patented, and yet
| thousands of bachelors and maidens 90
it alone in this country
Marryin' a man amt like settin along
side of him nights and hearing him talk
pretty; that's the fust prayer There s
lots O meetin' after that.
1t may be treason, but we want to sug-
gest to the Canadians that if they expect
to catch any more American fishermen
they must spit on their bait
Young Babster is just learning Greek
and has nearly mastered the alphabet. He
said it was no wonder that Homer was
blind if he had to read his own poetry in
such outlandish type.
"Do you think Johnny is contracting
bad habits at school?" asked Mrs eau.
tion of her husband. ''No, dear, don t.
l think he is expanding them," was the
reply.
Little ;TOmmy-"Can | eat another
piece of pie?" Mamma, (who is something
of purist. )-'1 suppose you can." Tom
my.-"Well, may I?'' Mamma-"No
dear, you may not" Tommy-"Darr
grammar, anyway"
'Ive voted the democratic ticket fol
thirty years now, and never asked for ar
office" said the gentleman with petition
to Mr.. Morrison. sWell," said horizon
tai William dryly, 81 know this admins
tration pretty well, and advise you MOI
to break your record"
A Dutchman who frequently exercised
his son in Bible lessons, asked him one
day: "Who was dat would not shleet
NIT Botiphars wife?" ''Shoseph." "Dat'.
a goot poy. Vel, vat vas de reason ht
would not shleep nit her?" "Don't know
s'pose he wasn't shleepy.'
'John, dear" she said, yesterday ]
covered your bootjack with silk plush
and painted some flowers on it, and it is
perfectly lovely. You will be delighted
when you see it, know" "I've seen it,
said John. ''You have; when?" "Las
night. l threw it at cat"
A parish clerk once gave out that ssMr
A. and Mr. B. would preach every Sun
day to all eternity. He meant alternate
ly. Another mistake was ssthat there
would be no service next Wednesday
'kas master had gone a-fishing for anoth
er clergyman" Officiate was the wore
intended.
spa, I'm not going to learn any NOR,
geography lessons" ''Why? Have yol
been excused from geography lessons?'
s'No, but" 81 presume your teacher
has got tired of such a stupid pupil.
Teacher nOthin'. I'm the feller that.
got tired. I read in paper that the ge
ography over half the globe would b,
changed by future explorations, and an
going to wait. l want to get it straigh
before | put in so much hard work.