The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1886-04-14
AN ALARMED HUMORIST.
BILL NYH STRICKEN WITH THE
FEAR OF HYDROPHOBIA.
The Feasibility OF Living without
Dogs-Tapering on on the Prev
alent Canine Fancy.

Dogs-Tapering on on the Prev
alent Canine Fancy.
take occasion at this time to ask the
American people as one man, what are
wc to do to prevent the spread OF the
most insidious and disagreeable disease
known as hydrophobial When fellow
being has to be smothered, as was the
case the other day right here in our fair
land land where tyrant foot hath never
trod nor bigot forced a chain, we look
anxiously into each others faces and in
quire. what shall we dol
Shall we 90 to France at great ex-
pense and I'LL our systems full Of dog
virus and then return to our glorious land,
where we may fork over that virus to pos
terity and thus mix up French hydropho-
bia with the navy blue blood of free-born
American citizensl
l wot not.
III knew that would be my last wot l
would not change it. That is just wot 1t
would be.
But again.
What shall we do to avoid getting i'm
pregnated with the American dog and
then saturating our system with the alien
dog of Parisl
1t is a serious matter, and if we do not
want to play the "Desdemona' act we
must take some timely precautions. What
must those precautions bei
Did it ever occur to the average-think-
ing mind that we might squeeze along
for weeks without dogl Whole fami-
lies have existed for years after being de-
prived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of
our land They go on comfortably
through life and die at last with the
unanimous consent of their heirs dog
less.
Then why can not the poor gradually
taper off on dogsl They ought not to
stop all of a sudden, but they could leave
/ off a dog at a time until at last they over
cane the pernicious habit.
| saw man in St. Paul last week who
was once poor and SO owned seven varie-
+ gated dogs. He was confirmed in that
habit But he summoned all his will
/ power at last and said he would shake
/ off these dogs and become a man. He
did so, and to-day he owns city lot in
St. Paul, and seems to be the picture of
health.
The trouble about maintaining a dog
is that he may go on for years in a quiet,
gentlemanly way, winning the regard OF
all who know him, and then all of sud
den he may hydrophobe in the most vio-
lent manner. Not only that, but he may
do so while we have company He may
also bite our twins or the twins of our
warmest friends. He may bite us now
and we NAV laugh at it, but in five years
from now, while we are delivering a
humorous lecture, we may burst forth
into the audience and bite a beautiful
young lady in the parquet or on the ear.
1t IS a solemn thing to think of, fellow
citizens, and appeal to those who may
read this, as a man who may not live to
see a satisfactory political reform-I ap-
peal to you to refrain from the dog. lie
is purely ornamental We may love q
good dog, but we ought 10 love our chill
dren more 1t would be a very, very
noble and expensive dog that l would
agree to feed with my only son.
know that we gradually become at
tached TO u good dog, but some day he
may become attached to us, and what
can be sadder than the sight of Il leaaine
citizen drawing reluctant mad dos
down the street by main strength and l
portion of his pantaloonsl Il mean hl'
own, not the dogs pants. - This JOKE
viii appear in book form. The book viii
be very readable, and there will b'
another joke in it also. oed ti)
have said a good deal about the dog
pro and con, and am not rabid dog abo
iitionist. for no one loves to have hi'
clear-cut features licked by the warm
wet tongue of noble dog any more thar
l do, but rather than see hydrophobia be
come a national characteristic or Il lead
ing industry here, l would forego the
dog.
Perhaps all men are that way, how
ever. When they get little forehandec
they forget that they were once poor, ,anc
owned dogs. If so, l do not wish to bt
unfair. | want to be just, and l believe
am. Let Us yield up our dogs and TAX
the affection that we would otherwise be
stow on them on some human being.
have tried it, and it works well. Their
are thousands of people in the world o
both sexes who are pining and staryinl
for the love and money that we dali.
shower on the dog.
If the dog would be kind enough I
refrain from introducing his justly cele
brated virus into the person of those onl
who kiss him on the cold, moist nose,
would be all right; but when a dog goe
mad he is very impulsiye, and he ma
bestow himself on au obscure man. So
feel a little nervous myself. Bill Aye, d
Boston Gl0Je