News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-30
SHORT SUMMER SERMONS.
Delivered by Brother Gardner to the Suf-
feriug People of this World.
[From the Detroit Free Press.l


Brudder Amibad Cantilever, it am re-
ported dat you am about to take unto
yerself wife. Dat de report am true
your recent ackshuns am proof. You
has bin seen pricin' second hand
stoves, squintin' at fo' dollar bedroom
sweets, an rustlin' aroun' arter bric-a-
brac. Marriage am muffin you need be
ashamed of, an Ireckon you kin depend
on dis club to warm up de house for you
an Leave behind some -bottomed
cheers an a few articles of tinware.
Brudder Cantilever, marriage am
lottery or a dead sure thing-jist as you
make it. If you git stuck on sight-fall
in luv with a gal fur her small feet,
taperin' waist, dimpled chin or warblln'
mouf, an marry her o1f-hand at about
twelve weeks motifs, you needn't be
astonished if dar am dynamite 'splo-
shun afore you hev bin hitched week.
Small feet an good temper doan' allus
90 together. Slim waists and kitchin'
economy may not work IN de same har-
ness. The gal who charms you by de
way she drums de pianner may fatty re-
fuse, as wife, to run dem same fngers
ober de wash bod. Firstly, doan' git
married until you know what you are
bein' jined to. Study de gal. Let de
feet 90 an watch her temper. Let dc
bangs 90 an watch her,economy. Nebber
you mind about lie way she dimples her
chin, but AK yerself if she'll make de bed
wild de foot lower dan de head. You has
got to do all the studyin'. Not one gal
out of thousand eber stops to size up a
luver. If his Grecian nose,,or curly ha'r or
droopin' mustache strikes her fancy she'll
nebber stop to study his natur' nor to
worry ober his habits. She is marryin'
dat nose, or head or mustache. A month
arter marriage, when he hauls her
aroun' by the hair an slaps her dimpled
jaw she's perfectly astonished to think
she made SIGH a mistake.
Secondly, Brudder Cantilever, arter
de knot has bin tied make up yer mind
dat de fucher won't be all plain sailin.
You are gwine to be tried an tested an
trubbled, an you hev got to call up all
yer manhood You will h'ar de sasser
scrapin' de bottom of de flour bari
when you heven't got a cent in yer
pocket. De woodpile will run out in
Jinuary, an de sugar an bacon will
seem to be carried off by de rats. If yer
WIG an SDCl 81 S3OONA oIlO III
hev her trials an tribulashuns, an dar
may be times when she'll riz up an claw
fur you. In de Vars gone 10y my ole
woman has rushed upon me wild de
rollin' pin, an l has retorted in way to
make her ears ache, but all de time l
knowed she was savin' an good hearted,
an she knowed I'd empty my pockets
of de last shillin' to buy her a new set of
false frizzes. If you am suited to each
odder an Occashunal row in de family
will prove a stickin'- plaster to hold you
de clusser together. If you amt suited
if you diskiver dat you hev struck
patch of Canada thistles an can't sot
still, an if de odder party diskivers dat
she has taken tumble off de monument
Of Romance an brought up wild a thud
n de mud-hole of Reality, you jist alb
'quatulate apart. Go quietly an de
Gently an git onhitched by divorce, an
et de wisdom gained by experience
stan at yer right hand when ye make
anoder choice. Brudder Cantilever, my
,eelins' an de feelins. of dis club am
vid We, an our good wishes, together
wild at least So wurth of tinware, kin be
on whenever de fatal occashun
arroves.