Smyrna times., 1886-03-31
Sharp, Short and Sunny.

more than the combined area of Mass
achusetts and Connecticut.
DR.. Edison condemns the use of
bright red stockings, because they are
poisonous and produce sores.
Princess Louise, daughter of the
Prince Of Wales, has been betrothed to
Crown Prince Oscar, of Sweden.
The watch and clock makers are ma
turally the last men to go on a strike.
They take time by the forelock and ar
bitrate.
A Port Jervis pensioner who had
drawn $500 had it picked out of his
pocket while attending an auction at
that place.
Over one thousand idle men in Hav-
erstraw and Grassy Point are waiting
for business to commence at the brick
yards along the beach"
The salvation army in London has
secured five of the largest halls in the
city in which to hold a monster inter
national religious convention.
PittOwkahanappywiyin, alias pound
maker, chief of the rebel Crees, has
been baptized in the Manitoba peniten-
tlary, with twenty of his companions.
When a man dies and leaves a nice
young widow with plenty of money.
and you see her walking out with the
executor on Sunday afternoon, "a change
is imminent.
The religious revival is making head
way Sam Small has given up cigarette
smoking. Now if Sam Jones will only
stop chewing tobacco, things will begin
to look hopeful.
The New York and New Haven
Railroad Company, without solicita-
ton, has decided to raise the paw of all
its labOrers from $1.35 to $3.50 a dav.
beginning April 1.
A tipsy labor agitator on Saturday
night laid down his platform thus ::
Eight hours for working, eight hours
for loafing, and eight hours for sleep
ing off the effects"
The Philadelphia Times estimates
that no less than 81 900 men are now
striking. The chances of finding the
man among all those who struck Mr..
William Patterson is really bewilder-
ing.
Witch-hazel has become an extensive
article of export from the southern
part of Vermont for medicinal extracts
A man can easily cut ton of brush in
a day, and he gets three dollars a ton
for it.
If American artists could be born
again, they would prefer to be born in
France or England In no other way
can they hope to sell a picture to an
American purchaser at five times it's
value.
A cOlOred railroad porter says of
travelling brides: "Sperience me- dat
dey is tickled nightly eff you mistakes
dere husbands for brudders. I does it
cherry time now, an hits 'em fO' dol
lar, shuah'"
In classifying three principal divi-
siOns of the Episcopal Church some
one says: High churchmen are atti-
tudinarians, Low churchmen are plati-
tudinarians, and Broad churchmen, are
latitudinarians."
A citizen of Burlington has appended
to his will a bequest of 800 to the
newspaper man who will write at his
death, the neatest and best obituary
notice, his wife to constitute the com
mittee of award.
The young lady who gave the mitten
to the young man who wouldn't go
into the house, where it was comfort
able, but persisted in keeping her out
at the front gate, now refers to him as
one of her ''cast-Off CATERS"
There is an anti-lying society in Illi-
nois. Members who embroider on
the truth are finded one dollar. The
fines are set apart for pious and charit-
able uses, and the society already has
more money than it knows what to do
with.
The exodus of Jews from the Rus
sian Poland has attained extraordinary
figures; statistics show that during
the year of 1885 no less than 2O15O
left the cOuHtTy for America, to say
nothing of those who emigrated else
where.
The wages of farm hands in Switzer-
land, exclusive of board and lodging,
average for males about $56.25 a year !:
for females, $20.50. In the United
States the wages of the farm hands.
including board and, average from $500
to $3.50 year.
Il must have order in this court
room" stemly commanded a Justice of
the Peace II must and will have less
noise and confusion here. | have al
ready disposed of three important cases
without being able to hear one word of
the evidence"
You can't judge a mans character
by the umbrella he carries Exchange.
That's so. For very often the umbrel-
la belongs to another man.-Edston In
dependent. Our parasol has gone visit
ing, but our character remains at home.
-MiddIetOaOn Transcript.
A milkman began business by so
thoroughly watering his milk that his
customers became very indignant, and
as he gradually discontinued the prac-
tice they gradually became more and
more indignant, until at last, just as he
had begun to sell pure milk, they had
him arrested and heavily fined. All of
which teaches that virtue is not always
its own reward.
"My dear" observed Mrs. Snaggs
last night as she looked up from the
paper, II often see reference to bimet-
allists ?"
Yes" replied Snaggs.
"a scrap iron dealer is a buy-metal-
list"
ooh, to be sure Why didn't l think
of that P"-PhiLddelphiG Call.
Aldermen De Lacy, of New York,
announces the high resolve that, should
he get clear of the present mess in
which Jacob Sharp, has involved the
simple unsuspecting City Fathers, he
will have nothing more to do with pol
itics. We fancy there are more than
De Lacy who feel like taking counsel
of the old song:
Had my time to begin again
I'D lead different life;
I'd never run for Aldermen
Nor mix in public strife
NeiV Orleans Times Democrat: "Papa,"
asked a little 3-year-old, "why do 1
say short prayer and you a long
prayer ?" because you are not old
enough to learn a long prayer" ex-
planned the father us that it? 1
thought it was because l haven't got
wicked enough yet to have to say a
long Draver.n