The Labor enquirer., 1886-02-20
The Professor is Completely
Floored by the Knight
of the Razor,
Who Enumerates q Few of the
Changes He Would Like
to Make.
VIII You Have Little Of the Hillen.
1um, Professor, or q Little
Of the Hair Dyeg

1 udf nuus 40 uouniy hO ono Soe AhVo a.
argument. No matter what it was
about, but beat him. ] always do, and
the professor got mad about it, as of old.
you think you're smart, don't you, bar
ber% says he, turning'up his nose at me:
! i dare say you are conceited enough to
think you could improve on the order Of
nature if you had chance Certainly
1 think could says I, kind o. calm like,
and I'd like the chance to try it. I'd
show you that nature isn't SO ALFRED
Eperfect and infallible after all. Wepoor
mortals who come into this world have
got to take 1t as we find it, but that
doesn't provethat what is is perfect.
Not by long ways t-/e
"Then you think that you could i'm
prove on the works of nature, eh p
querled the professor, with his nose
turned a little higher and sympathetic
| elevation of his upper lip; I'D like to
learn how great barber would 60 about
tito improve upon the material world
in which he is condescending enough to
consent to liver :.
"'Your curiosity does you credit, pro-
fessor,' says 1 I like to see every man
willing tollearn. If a man is dull or
slow.witted> the best thing he can do is
to rub up against some bright person
and keep his ears open and his mouth
shut. If you are really anxious to learn
something can tell you that you have
come to the right shop. And now, if
you're listening, I'll give you few
pointers on what I'd put in the speclfi-
cations if I were going to apply for pa
tent on an improvement in things in
! general:
"1'd have man always tempted to do
something good instead of something
bad.
"1'd have good luck the rule instead
of the exception.
aid make good health contagious in
stead of disease.
"'I'd make life so happy that nobody
would want to commit suicide, and death
so terrorless that nobody would be
afraid to die.
'"1'd suffer no little babes to be born
with horrible deformities.
"Pd abolish insanity and imbecility
and all other forms of living death.
"'I'd rack no man or woman's body
with the tortures of disease or decay.
"'Td not make world full of beauty
and then inflict blindness upon some of
my creatures.
"'Pd not fill the world with charming
sounds-the voices of loved ones, the
prattle of children, the melody of song
or the call to dinner-and then banlsh
some of nv men and women to life of
deafness.
"'I'd make great wealth impossible
and abject poverty unknown.
"sI'd not give to unworthy men feast
of plenty, pleasure and content, and to
worthy men famine.
"'Td make all women beautiful and
all men honorable.
"'I'd rear no weak natures, with law
of spiritual gravity ever dragging them
down to sin, and without strength to
sustain themselves aloef from that
which brings on endless woe.
i "'Pd not give men ignorance and then
make woe the fruit of ignorance.
"Pd not inf1ict upon child punish
ment for parents sin or error.
"I'd amend the law of Inheritance sc
that only the good qualities of the father
would be found in the son.
"pd have no funerals of mothers with
little children as mourners.
"'Pd send more luck to poor men and
more children to rich men.
I "Pd make generosity fashionable in
stead of avarice.
"I'd make every man and woman
proud, with something to be proud of.
"1'd stimulate effort and acquisition
by making it honorable to have only t.
use, rather than by passion for getting
and boarding. .....
"Td give every man and woman foul
ovaa two LOOKING outward and two in.
4 wardly.
aaT'd give every man true and de-
served friend. ~ e.
"Td make sensitive natures more in
different and stolid natures more sensi.
tive.
"1f blizzards were necessary I'd keep
them away from the homes of the poor
"Td deprive death of much of hlt
recklessness and give him more discrim.
ination.
s'Where there are 100 saloons and on
library I'd have one saloon and 100 Ii
j braries.
asMan should be slave to habit, bui
the habits would be wholesome. !.
Every man and woman should hav'
a child. but no child should have a-ster
, parent.
) EVERY man should have home AMI
: be in it of nights.
a'pd lift the cloud of superstition from