The Arkansaw traveler., 1886-01-30
LITERARY FREAKS,
[Bill NYe, in New York Msrcury.l


 People who write for livelihood get some queer propositions from those who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There is prevail ing idea among those who have never daboled in literature very much, that the divine sffl lAtus works good deal like a corn sheller. This is erroneous. To put bushel of words into the hop per and have them come out poem or a sermon, is more complicated process than it would seem to the casual obser- yer.
 can hardly be called literary, though l admit that my tastes lie in that direc. tion, and yet have had some singular experiences in that line. For instance, last year 1 received fattering overtures from three young men who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the Fourth of July. They could do it them selves but hadn't the time. If would write the speeches they would be willing to revise them. They seemed to think it would be good idea to write the speeches little longer than necessary and then the poorer parts of the effort could be cut out. Various prices were set on these efforts from dollar to the kindest regards" People who have squeezed through one of our adult win- ters in this latitude, subsisting on kind regards, will please communicate with the writer, stating how they like it.
 One gentleman who was in the confec- tionery business wanted lot of" humor- Ous notices wrote for to put in conversa- tion candy" It was big temptation to write something that would be in every body's mouth, bui refrained. Writing gum-drop epitaphs may properly belong to the dom ain of Literature, but doubt it. Surely, do not want to be naughty and above my business, Lut it seems to me that this is irrelevant.
 Another man wanted me to write a piece for his boy to speak," and if would do so, C ,uld come to his house some Saturday night and stay over Sum- day. He said that the boy was {" a per feet little case to carry on and folks didn't know whether he would develop into a condemb fool or a youmerist." So he wanted piece of one of them tom foolery kind for the little cuss to speak the last day of school
 A coal dealer who had risen te affla- ence by selling coal to the poor by apoth- ecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for de- sign to be used as family crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. 1 told him l had run out of crests, but that weight for the wagon, we'll all take nde," would be a good motto or he might use the following: "The fuel and his money are soon parted" He might emblazon this on his arms, or tattoo it on any other part of his system where he thought 1t would be becoming to his com plexion. l never heard from him again and l do not know whether he was offended or not.
 Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me letter in which they said they "had good thi E on mother" They wanted 1t written up in facetious vein They said that their father had been on the coast few weeks before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man but partially full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got drowned Finally, after several days search, the neighbors came in sa ly and told the old lady that they had found all that was in his remains. They asked for further lady swabbed out her weeping eyes braced herself against the sink and told the men to bring in the eels and set him again"
 The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, "it would be mighty good joke on mother" was greatly shocked when received this letter.. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak lightly of their wid- owed mothers great woe. wrote them how felt about it and rebuked them severely for treating their mothers griei SO lightly. Also for trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut.