The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1886-09-03
VARIETIES.

Don't get in debt TO the shoemaker if
you would call your soul your own.
Never" said an Irish orator, "write an
anonymous letter without putting your name
to it."
Where is the best place to get fat ?"
asked II thin housekeeper of a neighbor.-
"All over" was the unexpected reply.
| -"Why men drink is what staggers u.s."
says u woman's journal What men drink
is what staggers them.
Sam, why are lawyers like fishes |" II
don't NEEDLE wild dc subjec', Pomp." "Why,
don't you see Cause dey am so fond OBJ de-
bate"
"A correspondent asks: would YOU, or
any of your many readers, inform constant
reader how to learn to play the flute ?" Not
If we know ourselves.
What is more pathetic than to see the
simple faith with which bald headed man
will buy an infallible hair restorative from
a bald-headed barber?
-"Bees," says a scientific authority, "un-
doubtedly remember man." and man un-
doubtedly remembers bee, if he ever makes
his professional acquaintance
Aged Suitor-"I shall love you as long
as live"
Young Lady-"That will not suffice. I
want some one to love me as long as live"
1t is mistake to suppose that women
have stronger attachments than men. A
man is often attached to an old hat I; but who
ever heard of q woman being attached to an
old bonnet.
aim in life" said father to his thoughtess
1G-yearold. "Oh, l am going to, papa" was
the enthusiastic reply. II have got my beau
already"
"A receipt for lemon pie vaguely adds:
Then sit on stove and stir constantly
just as if anybody could sit on a stove with
out stirring constantly! But we can't
understand how it would benefit the pie.
.-Housekeeper ito new cook just import
ed)-"Bridget, how do things keep in the
new refrigerator?" Bridget-"Well, mum,
they all seem to kape purity well barrin' the
dice, which pears to mit livery blissed day."
Father starting down town.-"Yes
Robert, my son, always keep in mind what
your mother says, and always say please
Though a little word, it indicates the gen
teman Here, wife, hold my overcoat and
hat"
When mans wife comes in and sees
him razor in hand and with his face all ather,
and asks him, Are you shaving? ?" It's
provoking in him to answer, mo, I'm
backing the stove," but it's human nature
to so reply.
"A little fellow living in town, between
three and four years of age, was asked what
his kitty did in fight between her and dog
"Well," said he, "she bumped Up her back as
high as she could, she made her tail as big as
she could and then she blew her nose In his
face"
When an old backwoodsman was about
to take his first ride on Mississippi steamer,
he was asked whether he would take deck or
cabin passage. "Well," said he, in a resign
ed sort of a way, i've lived all my life in a
cabin, and | guess cabin passage will be
good enough for rough chap like me-"
While the Union troops were marching
through Maryland town during Lees in.
vasion some of the stragglers broke into
bakery, and as one of them issued forth,
bearing loaf of bread on bayonet, an Irish
soldier cried out: "Liftinint! liftinint be
jabbers, theer goes man wild the staff of
life on the point of death"
The other morning at the Tombs, before
one of our most courteous police justices,
war OF words waxed hot and furious between
two distinguished lawyers of that locality
Sir" said one, in a vigorous aside, "you are
liar" Sir" responded the other, "you are
a fool" Gentlemen, gentlemen" entreated
the courteous judge, 'you will kindly address
your observations TO the court"
A gentleman at the theatre sits behind
lady who wears very large hat. Excuse
me- madam, but unless you remove your hat
| can see absolutely nothing" Lady ignores
him. Excuse me, madam, but unless you
remove your hat something unpleasant will
happen" Lady ignores him again. Gentle
man puts on his own hat. Loud cries from
the audience: Take off that hatw Lady
thinks they mean her hat and removes it,
"Thank you, madam"