Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-02-04
WIT AND HUMOR,

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rears one year or more, who will come
forward and pay up arrearages and for
one year in advance, we will give a
| first-rate obituary notice gratis in case
it kills them. r. Cincinnati Commercials
| Gazette
OF the l5,363 men who received de-
grees from Harvard University previous
| to this year, 127 bore the somewhat fa-
miliar name of Smith Williams is not
considered a very common name. yet
its bearers come second in the list with
a record of 113. The Browns and
| Brownies together number Ill. Fourth
in number are the Adamses, with just
an even 100. Then come the Clarks
and Clarkes, ninety-three in all. The
Parkers come next, with seycnty-nine.
Strangely enough, the Joneses are well
down on the list, numbering only fifty
eight.
A little 3-year-old. the young hopeful
of an estimable lady on Piety Hill, in
Salem, is just beginning to verge into
| the period of childish investigation,
doubt, and inquiry The little fellow
had heard the words grass widow"
and hastened TO inquire its meaning of
his mother. BY way of illustration she
told him that if his father should run
away and leave her alone without any
cause then she would be grass widow.
The future Senator looked up in his
mothers face and said: Then what'd
be9 Would be grasshopper?"
Salem (Ore.) Statesman.
A =, a,,;,,a,,t a;4;,a, a,IloJ ,,.o.. = :.
eminent physician the other day to
consult him about his eyes They
seemed all right up to three or four days
ago, = said the eminent citizen, .'but
then | noticed that the left one was
failing. " do you wear glassespn
asked the physician. 20, yes LET
me see them" They were passed over,
and after brief inspection the physi-
clan burst into a hearty laugh. 1.-THE
trouble is with the left eye, eh?f he
queried. Eyes, sir. mo wonder.
Look at your glasses" The left-hand
glass had been lost ont. Detroit Free
Press.
Little Johnny Fizzletop got the idea
into his head from attending Sunday
school that he could get anything he
wanted by simply praying for it. A few
evenings ago while engaged in his de-
votions he prayed for base ball, po-
ny, new suit of Sunday clothes, a shot
gun, quarter of dollar and various
other things which he needed. While
Johnny was thus praying his brother
Tommy burst into tears and said in an
agonizing voice: Mamma. please make
Johnny stop He is praying everything
away from me. - Teras Siftings.
"None of your white-faced damsels
for me, said the Rev. John W. Scudder
of Minneapolis in Il recent sermon, NOR
one whose face is red with comsumptive
or hectic flush. Give me the nut-brown
girl who abandons her srn-bonnet, who
can climb tree with any boy. who pre-
fers good bread to chocolate caramels
and baked beans to angel cake. The
kind Of an angel for me weighs 40
pounds. and has more call for crash
towels than cosmetics Her waist is
more than nine inches in circumference
She is straight MS an arrow, sleeps eight
hours day, has a clear head, bright
smile, and is Joy TO those around her. :"
Is Mr.. Scudder looking for wife or
servant, or is he just preaching the Cos
pei with variations?
A funny incident occurred in court at
Troy n. Y. the other day, according to
the Times The plaintiff in case Of
larceny testified that the night he was
robbed in a saloon the prisoner came
into his room and was accompanied by
"a large bulldog. Other testimony was
introduced and the reference to the
animal had apparently been forgotten
when suddenly juror sprang TO his
feet and beckoned to the District-Attor-
ney "A juror wants to say something,
your Honor, said the District-Attorney
to the court. What is it?n asked the
Judge Of the juror. IF it please the
court, I'd like to have the witness re-
called and asked what became of the
dog. Ii seems to me we've lost sight OF
the dog" The inquisitive juror sat
down amid uproalious laughter, in
which the court and counsel joined.
The Mexicans manage the telephone
quite differently from what we do. Our
short, sharp, and incisive style OF ques-
tons and answers would not be tolera-
ted in the land of the Montezumas
There courtesy, and not business, die
tates the manner of communication.
The regular response from the central
Office to telephone call is "Mande
listed, which is equivalent to AT your
command" Then preliminaries are
gone through something as follows:
.Good-morning. senorita; how do you
do?" Every WELL | thank you; what
service may render your ''Will you
kindly do me the favor of enabling me
10 speak with Don So-and-so, No. 777?n
''With much pleasure" etc, etc, and
when the connection is made the usual
polite introduetories are gone through
before proceeding to the business in
hand.
In an exciting scene in the last Lon
don dramatic sensation, Human Ma
ture,n which we shall soon have in this
Countrywide stage swarms with demon
stratiye crowd cheering the troops re-
turning from Egypt, and among them
policemen are seen moving in the most
natural manner. 1t struck one of the
demonstrative supers, an lrishman
named Thomas Costigan, that the in
terests of dramatic realism would be
forwarded if he assaulted one of the
stage police. So he approached 443 E.
and at favorable moment gave him
zone II the wind" He demonstrated,
but the enthusiastic Tom gayly gave it
to him again and again and the truth
fulness of the situation was much en-
HANGED when second, real policeman,
who attempted to interfere. was knocked
down and kicked by Mr.. Costigan's fell
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. The affair." however,
led to the distinguished supers being
fined at the Police Court next morning
$3.50 each.
A storekeeper in certain New Hamp-
shire town has for some days been on
the verge of having EN-, and has been
letting up on the whisky and taking
morphine powders The other night
some of the boys killed rattlesnake
and caught two or three striped snakes,
q couple of frogs, turtle or two, and
| about dusk set them in front of the
| store. Then the storekeeper was quiet
| Nv inveigled, to the door and led into
conversation. Presently his eye alight-
ed on one of the snakes Looking about
| he saw another. But he kept on with
the conversation. Then a turtle caught
his eve, and then frog. and then
another snake. But he never weakened
bit till he saw the RATHER twined
around lamp-post. That settled him
You must excuse me minute, ht
said and he went into the store and
| L 1. ,l..,. II.