Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-03-21
THE DIFFICULTY OF USING PATENT
MEDICINES.

NIB This Is not an advertisement
Daring the recent cold snap caught o
severe cold which took root upon my lungs.
Il became 80 harrasing that l concluded to
fake something for it. / went to drug
store and got two bottles of patent medi,
cine on trust,-one bottle of hnement and
one of syrup With it they presented me
with a handsome red backed almanac
which cost several thousand dollars to pub
lish. / was glad / got it. 1t was filled
with unsolicited testimonials from afflicted
persons who escaped lingering deaths BY
usinp the liniment and syrup. 1t had cured
every body, and more too, who had used it
the medicine mean.
| would like to have my unsolicited testi-
monial ready for this year red backed al
mnnsc, but hesitate about using the RENE
DIV, The directions are: Battle the lungs
we'll with the liniment beioreretiripg Take
a tsaspoonfull Of the syrup three times o
dey. To ensure perfect cure ct least
three bottles should be taken.
Ifeel,horoughly convinced that the medi-
| cine will work come way or other, and
think if not watched closely it could not
fail to produce result Of some kind, yet /
think there are serious drawbacks in its use
BY persons of fragile and delicate systems.
Although l know but little about bathing,
think it would be more difficult to battle
a pair of lungs than it would be TO battle
psir of false teeth. 1t seems to me that it
would swfully embarsss persons resprs'
ton while he had his lungs out bathing
them, and it appears tina. if fellow was
not an expert at holding bis breath for
long while that it would be good idea to
make his will before entering upon treat
ment. Then even if fellow would get
them bathed properly he might make q
mistake in getting them back all right
Suppose when putting them back he would
get the trsches fixed on the larynx at the
wrong place, or cave in the thyroid Cart.
lsge, or dsmolish the ePiglottis or rima
plottidia-;hen he could not sing note, or
sell "Hurrsh for jackson" during the cam.
psigns. Suppose slso he would make q
mistake aud tasten it on the esophagus !
Then his respiration and victusis would
get mixed up every day, and he would have
10 breath from his stomach and digest in
bis lungs Just think of it! Imagine o
young lady who loved onions getting into
q dilemma like this A young lady going
about in the exubersnce Of youth with a
lung full of oniorsl How soon would so.
ciety boycott her, and how soon would she
resign her place as Sunday school teacher,
and how soon would her beat fellow seek
the congenisl warmth Of another Preside,
where there was another girl? Indeed we
cannot tel. All gentle reader, lung is
too valuable, as q member Of our society,
to monkey with!
Then even if the lungs are reset all right
and relief not perfect, then comes the other
perplexing remedy Of taking the bottles
III has been said that nothing has sue.
cessfully digested bottles and glassware
but the ostrich, aud l have my serious
doubts whether possess the ostriches gas
trio attachment or not, but even if / do, /
fear that a bottle would lay little heavy
on nv stomach. l have successfully di.
gested mirce pie and hard boiled eggs and
think in time with doe training could
manage TO End that bottle is palatable
article of diet. Bat do not approve OF
p6Opi6 mbbIug suCu IdulCai luuO'nNlOne AZ
our daily menu when the crops are 80
promising
would not like to see this habit become
general. think the spectacle would be q
sad ore of young lady or gentleman
moving about in refined society with q
stomach overloaded with patent medicine
bottles, and it seems that digestive sppa-
ratus gorged in this way with glassware
might possibly give one The nightmare
have not tried il however. do not think
l am robust enough to try this remedy at
present but | think it would De Just the
cor p0pui for some of our Congressman
and MlIlionaires. If the proprietor could
Induce Mr.. John Sullivan or DR.. Mary
Walker to try the stutf, and they would pull
through all right, might be wiling to try
it. l would then have my will made dis
posing Of my Waterbury watch, and my
summer pants which are too light FOR fune-
raj purposes, and enter into the treatment
with vim and energy. But at present we
shrink VANILLA JOKES.