Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1886-05-21
How Philip Charged il UP.

cult to realize that he was born in En-
gland. am certain that if you had
scratched him deep enough you would
have found strain of Celtic blood, for
no thorough Englishman could do and
say what he did and said One of the
most famous stories told concerning
him bears relation to n hanging; no one
but he could get Il laugh out of such
ghastly subject. He was once sent to
report hanging in a town far distant
from New York. He was absent sever
al days, and, as is often the case, found
himself, when making up his bill of eX-
penses, unable TO remember every detail
of the expenditure of the money which
he had legitimately spent Consequent
ly he charged up lump sum, which
was by no means excessive. The busl-
ness manager objected to its payment
on the ground that he should be given
an itemized account of every penny
Philip found he could not do this, but he
determined not to lose any of the money
which he had expended on behalf of the
newspaper SO he made out his bill
anew, and after charging for his hotel
bill, railroad fare, and other regulation
to make up the sum charged in the first
place.
To appreciate the humor of his revis-
ed account YOU must understand that nj
a hanging in a country town, in order
to propitiate the sheriff and obtain en-
trance to the jail and other favors, it is
necessary, rs a general rule, to smother
him with kindnesses and liquors. 1t al
so frequently happens that in order to
oct talk with or n confession from the
murderer, enterprising newspaper men
lavishly bestow cigars, tobacco and
books upon him. Philips addition to his
bill were as follows:
To one whisky cocktail for the unfortunate.
wretch. ....... b.. .......................S IL
To one ditto ditto for the sheriff. ........... 10
To one ditto for self ................ ....... 10
TO one red neckti. for miserable fclon.... %
To one ditto ditto for Shcriif. .............. -
To one ditto ditto for self ........,:..... 20
To one copy of Dr. Watts hymns for the
condemned man. NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.. %
To one ditto ditto for sheriff 90
To one ditto ditto for self .................. %
To one whisI-broom for doomed criminal. AZ
TO one ditto ditto for sheriff ............... Az
To one ditto ditto for self................... Az
Afterthe sad event:
To one whisky cocktail for shcriT......... -
To one ditto ditto for self....... ........... 10
None for the lamcnted deceased. .......... 10
Philip was never afterWard asked ask
ed to make out an itemizcd bill of eX-
penses.-M y Mail aid ETpreSS.
An uptown man sent % cents 10
learn how to make $50 Il week at home
working on capital Of 81. and re-
ceived the following printed slip: Fish
for fools, .as | do. "-BHtler (ia) citizen.
Professor-"Does my question trouble
you, sir?n Student-''No, sir, not at all.
But am Il little in doubt how 20 frame
my answer SO as TO give you the precise
information for which you seem to
ask
I'm Portland, Ore, the fire depart
ment engines will be provided with
shoes, so that they can run rs sleighs
to fires and make better time" And to
protect their 'Slose," probably.-BoSton
Post.
English Importation: Miss Fanny, if
you will consent to be Mrs. Arrison,
nothing will be wanting to make our
'appiness complete" Miss Fanny: you
forgot one thing" r. l.: What is it?"
Miss Fanny: "An H."-Puch.
Thoughtful young lady 0o college
graduate) -"Who, in you opinion, Mr.
Muscle, was the noblest Roman of them
ALP College graduatc-"I used to
think Hanlan was, but wouldn't bet
cent on any of 'em now."-NclO York
Sun.
"Somc one has invented n theatrc-hat
that shuts up to be worn by the ladies.
That's all right Now let some party
invent something that will hold young
man in his seat between the acts, and
two nuisances will be abated. Norris
torn HerdlU.
Cornell manners: Illustrated lecture
on general chemistry. Professor-"I
will not treat, etc" Smith (who has
been doing under the influence of re-
cent rotations, half-arouscd by the
familiar sound)-"Go fr you, OF
boy. Cornell Era.
agistrate-"What is the plea of the
prisoner at the bar, charged with being
implicated in the Roberts safe-robbery?"
Prisoner-'I beg leave to state, your
Honor, that | was there, but simply rs a
tool for others" Prisoners counsel-I
would explain to the court that my
clients name is Jimmy. - IidbHS.
Wife-"Wcll, Ned, what do you think
Charlie wants now? He asked me to-
day if wouldn't help him tease YOU to
buy him a bicycle. Indulgent father
(who once had ambitions himsclD-
bicycle? Nonsense. The boy can't
have it. Tell him TO 90 up in the attic,
ard fall down two flights of stairs. 1t
will be just about the same thing, and
save me 800. ~ omcrUHic J0urnal.
The Squire of an English hamlet had
just bestowed an aims upon village
mendicant. MAY the Lord give your
soul place in heavenr' exclaimed the
grateful beggar THANK We, Thomas,
thank ye," said the Squire. Encouraged
by this appreciation the bcggar went on
fervently: May lie give it place in
Heavenly, this very night Hold!
Thomas" said the alarmed Squire;
you needn't have been so particular
to name the date. '-Baptjst Weekly.
The SprHc, a four-page monthly pub
1isbnI IN Hilton " v 81 > H. q,