News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-05-13
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
A LITTLE HUMOROUS READING FOR
THE LEISURE HOURS.
The VernaI Spring-Wife or Pipe-He was
Persuaded-Up the Ladder-A Negative
The Senator Laughed-It was Illus
trated-Dots and Dashes, ETC., Etc.
THE LADDER OF FAME.

'rYour promotion was very rapid, was
it not, General 2"
eyes, | went into the war captain
and came out brigadier general"
''Were you at the battle of Shiloh ~
'sNo, l hadn't gone South at that
time was in recruiting service in
Michigan until l received my commits
sion as colonel"
'.You were at the seige of Vicksburg
then %
"No; I went from Michigan to Ohio,
and assumed command of GONZALES
cent camp"
"Were you on the Red River expedi-
tion ?'
'No, was in Washington, on leave
of absence then, during which time l
was made a general"
''For what service were you pro-
| NOTED 2"
"Blowed if l know. ."--BURDETTE.
A NEGATIVE.
A young photographer was in love
with G-street girl and Saturday night
he put the matter to the test. 'Dear
Fannie, he said, after beating around
the bush for an hour o: more, 81 love
you warmly, devotedly, earnestly, and
tenderly l have loved you from the
first time met you and now l have the
great question to ask, Will you, dearest
Fannie, be my wife p"
"No SIR" she responded, emphatical-
| ly.
''Ah," he replied, his artistic sense
| overcoming his emotional nature, ''what
Il negative that was-clear cut, distinct
in every outline, with never a blurr or
shadow! l shall preserve it. Good
bye. D Washington Critic.
HE LAUGHED.
Senator Dawes, of Massachusetts,, was
talking on the tariff recently with a
member of Congress who was Confed-
crate Brigadier and now is an ardent
free trader. The Senator was depicting
his opinion, bring on the laboring
country, and finally he said, peculiarly
eff you Southern men don't let the
tariff alone New England will rebel"
''If you do, responded the ex-Con-
federate, 'it won't take us four years to
whip you back into the Union"
The Senator laughs heartily at this,
and tells it as "a good one" on himself.
Atlanta Constitution.
THE EVIDENCE.
A student of esquire" Farley, a dis
tinguished lawyer of Groton, Mass,
says to the Squire one day, II cannot
understand how circumstantial evidence
can be stronger than positive evidence. -"
Il will illustrate it, said the Squire
"My milkman brings me can of milk,
and says, Squire, l know that is pure
milk, for l milked it from the COW,
washed the can thoroughly, strained it
into the can, and nobody else has
handled it. Now when take the stop
per from the can, out leaps bull-frog.
Surely the frog is stronger evidence than
the man."
DONE CLOSED.
Deacon Boneset - Mornin', Brudder
Wilsung rs powfully pleased wild dat
summon OBJ you'n las night. Blother
Wilson (Evangelist}-Wall, rs glad yo
liked it. But ter tell de fac, Is ruddel
discouraged. d. BLOW so? We
sut'nly had encou'agi signs. B. W
Yaas, but yo' see, arter l had done
closed wild dat pow'ful appeal, an axeo
: new life ter come forlard, not sou
I stirred. An den when l axed all ez wa:
Christians to stan up, de hull congrega
ton riz NOT one OBJ dem sinner, sab
not one OBJ dem !-HarpeT's Bazar.
i, IN THE SPRING.
"The spring is here" he said, as ht
took a seat beside her on the sofa, "th(
vi 70 ha
reappears upon the lawn, the snow ha!
gone and the voice of the turtle dove i:
heard in the land and-er-there won't
be any more sleighing."
At the thought that there would not
be any more sleighing a joyous light ap-
peared in his eyes.
Eyes" she replied, as she toyed with
one of the buttons on his coat, 'the
sleighing is past, the weather grows
warm and every day brings us nearer the
ice cream season."
Then his jaw fell.-BoSt0n Courier.
NOT so MoNoToNoUs.
"Your life must be very monotonous,
said Gus De Smith, looking in the win
dow of the Austin Post-ofice at the
clerk stamping letters.
w l1dI y JOu ~
cit would drive me crazy to be ever
lastingly pounding letters with a hand
stamp. It's the same thing over and
over every day"
"Oh, no, it's not" replied the clerk.
yesterday l was stamping 90 on the
letters, to-day it's 21, and tomorrow III
be stamping the 22d of the month, SO
you see it's not so monotonous after
all "-Ieras SJtings.
AN UNsATIsFIED LONGING.
How impossible it is to please some
people. That is, some other people
} Railway train in Pennsylvania spinning
along about thirty-fve miles an hour.
Landslide lets rock as big as house
fail across the track. Engineer reverses
puts on the air, stops the train with I
jerk that sprains mans back, ano
: stopped twenty feet on the safe side o
the rock and eternity. Now the maj
with the sprained back sues the com
pany for damages. Because the engi
2 neer didn't go on and break his neck in
3 stead of spraining his back Suppos'
so.-Brooklyn Eagle.
PERSUADED.