The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1886-04-02
WIT AND HUMoR.

your homestead. He is always ready
to accept your premises. Boston Tran
script
The most terrible weapon of the
American Socialist is his jawbone. He
has the same variety of jawbone, too,
with which Samson did such execution
among the Philistines.-Kdnsas city
Times.
Ministcr-'I am thinking of getting
a new chime for the church. What
would you recommends" Parishioner
(who lives next door to the sacred edi-
fice)-"A pair of dumb bells. boston
Budget
A Government witness in liquor
case in the Superior Court yesterday
came forward to be sworn. He was so
drunk that he was Immediately given
into the custody of an cer.-Portland
(lNe.) argus.
An Englishman in Madras has, by a
lucky accident, made photograph of
tiger in the act of Selling his prey. 1t
was only partial success, however, as
he didn't have time to tell the beast to
''look pleasant. "-Boston Post.
"Hello, Jack, where have you beenp"
80, been collecting" 'Ah! what sue
cessp" Every poor. In fact, l have
rummaged this town from one end to
the other, and can't find man that
owes me a cent. "-Harper'S Bazaar.
A vigilance committee of marriage
able young ladies was formed in FIRE.
mont some time ago to investigate the
In Ia oh antat ~ oil nril
men and bachelors. The result of these
inquiries was recorded alphabetically in
books prepared for the purpose and
guarded by a muscular secretary
Omaha Republican.
Il say, dad" asked Jimmy Tuffboy,
'what is it about this Pan-Electricp
What does it meanp" go, well, my
son, it means-why, all the papers are
full of it," That's what | said, but
what does it meanp" Ats something
about electricity in a pan attached to
telephones, | believe" "Why, dad,
you don't know it ALI do youP'-Hart-
ford Post.
Husband (who has just returned from
his office)-"Well, Maria, children all
wellp" Loving Whichever better,
darling" Husband-"Not a blamed
one of EN- sickP" Loving wife-'I am
happy to say no, my dear" Husband
-"Humph! Just the way. Here 1 pay
DR.. Pighead $50 a month to look after
the family health cause l thought
it would be cheaper. And not q darn
one of We have had even cold since l
made the agreement Bahr'-Rambler.
1t is estimated that 80 per cent more
deaths are caused by rum in this coun-
try than by hydrophobia. And yet they
are muzzling dogs and drowning them
by hundreds in New York, while rum is
permitted to go about seeking whom it
may devour. When man dies from
delirium tremens cry is not raised to
muzzle the whisky barrels or dump them
into the East River to prevent other
persons from falling victims.-Norris-
too0n Herald.
.'Mr. Trialbalance, said Old Hyson
to the bookkeeper, "you were away two
days last week." 81 was, Mr.. Hyson;
was summoned suddenly to attend the
funeral of my grandmother. " "Ah,
yes" said the old morchant-"quite
right, quite right. Accept my condo
lences. Did you bury the old lady?"
Yes, sir" "Ah, yes; buried her. /
thought from your breath that you had
embalmed her" cloud and long-con-
tinued silence. )-BroobIyn Eagle.
Lawyer John p. Swazey of Canton
was conversing with II Judge of the
Supreme Court one morning last week
on the subject of religious creeds, and
made some emphatic remarks which
led the Judge to say: Hold on, Brother
Swazey! you must remember that l am
\ member of an orthodox church." 81
aon't care if you are" said Squire
Swazey. "Td give good deal more
for your opinion on legal questionkhan
OH question of theology ,"-Lee61Ston
(Me.) Journal.
1t looked like rain as Mr. Joblittle
started out of the house, and he came
back into the room where his wife was.
81 thought you had gone down to meet
the boys" she said quietly. 81 started,
my dear, but 1t looks like rain" "Ain't
you going?" ayes, but guess I'd better
take waterproof along with me. y" per
haps you had, my love-" she said IRON
ically; "and, dear, don't you think you
had better take q whisky-proof along9"
Job concluded that the proof was against
him. Merchant IraUeter.
"You are charged with playing flute
by an open window at midnight, to the
annoyance of your neighbor," said the
magistrate. equity or not guiltyP"
Guilty" "Five dollars fine" "But,
your Honor" protested the neighbor
who had preferred the charge, "consid.
ering the circumstances, the fine seems
insufficient He played over and over
again, we are very wide awake, the
Moon and L." 10! Fifty dollars fine
--Neeo York Sun.
De Jones-"I wonder why Miss Big
giles married Sniflxins instead of Booze
by? They were certainly engaged"
Podgrass-"Yes, l know, but Boozeby
wanted to break the engagement of
long ago and was afraid to, so he sent
Snifkins to break it to her. He fell in
love with her and married her." De
Jones-"Ah, see! Failing to get the
one she wanted, she thought she would
a proxy mater CThey haven't spoken