Daily Tombstone epitaph., 1886-01-20
SCIENCE vs. BULL DOG.
A New Invention for Getting Rid of Poets,
 Canvassers, and the Like.

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 Every reader of the comic newspaper must from time to time had his atten- ton forcibly attracted to the whitening contempt and fierce hatred openly en- fertained by the comic editor against the aspiring poet, whether of the spring or ,loye-lorn variety. The poet, in fact, would seem to hold the same relation to the comic editor as does the red flag to the bull. Week after week. in the comic editors Answers to correspond ents" may be read such bitter replies as the following: What ought we to give for your poemp We'll, ten days, we should think" or again, "You should take a long course of Russian baths to get that poetry out of your system; if thot doesn't tsucceed, try a watery grave. Issue after issue of the comic newspaper contains chuckling references on the untimely fate which has overtaken some poet visiting a comic newspaper office, or teens with dark hints as to trap doors through which poets are hurled down into mysterious depths, blood thirsty insinuations as to bulldogs who keep watch over the editorial sanctum, or portentous allusions as to graves which may ere long stand in need of being kept green. "The poets lovely widow" suggestively remarks one comic editor in this connection, ''strews flowers over his tomb; the willy editor still keeps that bulldog in his room" a Now, it is doubtless trying to be al- most daily brought in contact with hag- gard and lank young men-for as such is the poet always pictured by the comic editor-who are addicted to such habits as making scarcely" rhyme with parsley" or who, with monotony that is undeniably ire-provoking, rave year after year of "angel forms, ''ten- der daffodils," and Sthe flowers that bloom in the spring." Still the sanguin- ary methods confessedly adopted by the comic editor can not but be deprecated by all truly Christian and peace-loving persons; and it would seem that some means by which he might rid himself of his prosecutors could surely be devised without resort being had to mayhem, homicide, and kindred crimes.
 Such means has been afforded by the recent invention of Prof. Grimkopf, of Boston. For a long time past, it ap- pears, the professor has had the eye of science, so to speak. turned upon the poet and others of his race, and to his enlightened mind the bulldog and the trap door have seemed but crude and brutal methods unworthy of the civiliza- ton of the age. One day he came across the story in local newspaper of merchant who had succeeded in rid ding himself of the importunities of a swarm of female book canvassers by somewhat novel and ingenious method Whenever the merchant in question heard female voice behind him ex- claiming in dulcet strains: Wont you please look at this beautiful illustrated work in ninety-nine parts, only % cents partp" he would surreptitiously let loose a number of mice deftly concealed in cage beneath his desk. The suc- cess of the scheme, it was recorded, even surpassed expectation. Linking this idea with the scarecrow of the rural disn.icts, Prof. Grimkopf arrived at the deduction that if the unwelcome visitor could be disposed of by moral instead of physical shock decided step in advance would have been attained. Following out this train of thought, he was inspired to an invention which will indubitably prove of the highest value.
 This invention consists of an appara- tus capable of evolving an apparition somewhat similar to that which might be produced by means of magic lant- ern and canvas. Its workings are de- scribed as follows: A poet enters the editors sanctum. The latter, conceal ing his hatred in the consciousness of his triumph, softly, almost unctuously, remarks: Poet, sir? An, pleased to see you! Married or single, sirP" If the poet murmurs that he is single the comic editor forthwith sets in motion an attachment on the right-hand side of his desk, and immediately there appears on the wall facing the poet the life-size figure of Mir. John l.. Sullivan, in alarm- ingly pugilistic attitude, with the words emblazoned above his head: 'The fighting editor is in" The terror in- spired by this apparition has been demonstrated to be fully as effective in leading to poets disappearance as if a trap-door were actually opened beneath his feet.
 The comic editors end is thus at tained without any approach to battery or bloodshed. If, on the other hand, the poet replies that he is married, the comic editor applies himself to an at tachment to the left of his desk, and in stantly there is an apparition of fierce mother-in-law, with wintry and sar- castle smile, from whose ghostly mouth are to be seen issuing the words: 'I have come to pay nice, long visit, dear." This apparition is declared to be even more effective than the pre- ceding one. In one instance in which the test was applied, it was attended by striking results. The victim, casting one mortified glance at the apparition, rushed precipitately toward the stairs, and, clearing them at a bound, disap- peared, and, strange to say, has never been heard from since.
 Prof. Grimkopf's invention, it is understood, is capable of being applied to other branches of life besides the coming newspaper offices. Apparitions suitable to protecting the head of pub lie department against the pertinacious office-seeker and the merchant against fka xx,slao <Nf Sha looI- ,,xo,.>a.s Dox. ( E.,