The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-08-02

BROTHER GARDNER REASONS WITH THEM
"Elder Davis, when did dat glacial epoch
take placer
81 dunno sir"
@Judge Holdback, what do you know bout
de drift periodp
IT reckon dar was a good deal O. driftin
aroun', sab"
eyes, 1 s'pose dar was. Didn't happen to
drift any 'taters an meat your way, did itP
"No, sab"
Elder Davis, did dat glacial epoch pay up
any of your back rent or git new shoes fur de
chilleng"
mo, sab"
"Dat's huff; you kin boat sot down. While
blame two old members like you for sottln
a bad example befo' de club, 1 must at de
same time acknowledge dat it am only de
weakness of human natur'. Moas' of US
would sooner fight over de aige of de world
dan to resent a straight insult. We would
argy longer to convince a man about de size
OF Noahs ark dan to convert him TO our re-
ligun of de present day. We let our chlPen
90 bar'fut while we hunt fur evidence to con
vict de Gauls of shiftlessness. We spend
hours assertin' an denyin' dat de moon am
inhabited, w lille fifteen minutes used to fix
de bottom hinge on de front gait am looked
upon as time frown away. While we sot an
wonder why Sodom an Gomorrah didn't be
have 'eirselves an escape destruckshun, de
ole woman scrapes de bottom of de flour bar
an de fab goes out in de kitchen stove. Jlst
what aige de crowbar belongs to, or who in
vented it. or why it was invented, am
queshuns which needn't trouble any member
of dis club. De fack dat de cTowbar am
heah wild us should satisfy all. Let us now
puTceed 10 attack de business which has
called us together"
NOT CARRIED.
Waydown Beebe then offered the following
preamble and resolution:
"Whereas. Medical science has demon
strated de fack dat de habit of drinkin' ice
water has a tendency to bring on heart dis
ease, Iumbago, liver complaint insomnia and
Mr. Bright's disease; now, darfore,
Resolved, Dat dis Lime Kiln Club not
only abstains from ice water doOrin' de
comm summer. but it advises de Guild people
of dis kentry TO do de same thing.
Professor Ambidexter Smith, 'Giveadam
Jones. Samuel Shin and Sir John Skinner
opposed the resolution, while Elder Toots,
Whalebone Howker, Caesar johnson and
others favored it, and upon vote being
taken tie was the result. Brother Gardner
said he did not care to take the responsibility
of decision on his shoulders and suggested
as a compromise that Shutdown Davis be
submitted to a series of experiments from
MAY to October TO determine the matter
The suggestion was accepted and the resoiu-
ton Withdrawn
MILITARY REPORT.
Col. Erastus White, of the committee on
military affairs, reported that his committee
had carefully investigated the subject of our
coast defences, as required by late resolu
ton. and had reached the following conclu
siOns:
/ In case Of war the enemy's fleet could
easily lombard any city on the coast. We
would therefore suggest that all these cities
be moved back fourteen miles
Q The enemy would have no trouble II
landing troops on our shores The only
trouble would be in getting any Of them of
alive again. The only suggestion we have tc
offer is that Ben Butler be notified to be on
hand early in the morning.
3 If a new Paradise hall be erected il
should be placed at least twelve miles from
any spot accessible to the gunboats-
We don't want war, but If one happens
To fell out of a tree and hit US we shan't run
away.
5. It is better to apologize than to get licked
This advice is for such nations as may fee
like knocking the chip off our shoulder
The report was accepted and adopted, anC
all unfinished business being placed on shel
to dry, the meeting adjourned -Detror
Fres Press.