The St. Johns herald., 1886-12-30
CATCHING A HUsBAED.
The Troubles of Married Man. and How
 He Became One.

gut before Vicksburg, he was frequently fired upon from the shore.
 On one occasion, after having been shelIel from the bank, and wishing to learn the name of the place and other details. he captured two men who were crossing the river in a dugout. They were coarsely dressed in a alnsey-woolsey, wore slouch hats, and had thea appearance of laborers.
 They admitted having lived all their lives in Connecticut. and to have only come 10 the South two years before. They were. however, staunch 'fSe3esh." After considerable conversation Admiral Porter said:
 And do you moan to tell mo that you two gentlemen, after livinC in your native State twenty-nine and tweItg- seven years respectively, after formin" the dearest ties and associations, can come South, and in two shor. years bc won over by these peOple-onc of ycI by hiring his cart, the other for don't know what?"
 Wall. Kurnell, said AIr. Potter. ''yon talk durned we'll, but all them hifalutin words is wasted on me; if you had mar ried wildcat widder. with wildcat Gar- ter sixteen years old, an Jeff Davis a backin' on 'em up, you wouldn't stood out an hour. 1 stuck it out for three days m nights, sittin' out in the rain, before became a Confed'rit.'
 "Ycs, interrupted Mir. Opdyke, "the ole woman kep' 8 double-barrel gun handy for him. an says she, Jake, don't you move till you're ready to become one of us. or I'll work some buttonholes in your dam Yankee carcasei'
 And what made you surrender z[-. Potter" inquired.
 "Why, replied that worthy. "whcn Tcl7e he come over 10 fetch Inc some wh;s,-v. my ole woman she run out and smashed the bottle over Zeke's head, an then, when 1 was most starved ;an' begged for Suthin' to eat. she sent mo bowl O hot water with a chicken feather in it. Thar, says she, that 'ere chicken soup Is all you'll git till you hist tho Conccirt flag So 1 hal to cave in. Zeie can tell you what went through with; you wouldn't have stood it half day, Kurnel l know it by the cut Of your iib.''
 On being asked how he came to marry such woman, nr. Potter prosessed his inability to rehearse the narrowing tale unless he had "a drink of w'isky." Some "vinegar bltters" being ordered for hi,n, which tho newly-fedgel Confederate characterizcd as ''real ole Union, m no
 
 his comrade, "Zeke." should tell the 1 story.
 |" Yes. said hls friend, ''just ns soon ns geta mouthful of them bitter5 to sustain | me while I relate that melancholy l story ov your marvin that durncd d. l ligator. as goes cavortin' round the house | as If she owned all the guancr islands in ! the Pacific Ocean.
 " We'll, you must know, Kurnel me | m Jake was hired hands on Mrs. Rump- kins's place. We was hired the day cle | Pumpkins died to help handle the coffin, an two weeks arter l hearin that girl ! of hers say, Ma, I'm tired q totin wood an feedin' the COW, an WIG must have man ter do it.
 "' Well. said Mrs. Pumpkins, 'hain't we got two men? Make one Cf 'cm tote wood: they kin do it when they comes to their meals
 "' asked one of 'en,' said Belle, an he tolo me he'd see me Gurned first. No don't want that kind Of m.ln, Ina; we want married man. We clH 70 as we pleaSa with a g0od-natGred feilcr like old pop. who cant get sway if ws crowd him. You must marry Jake or Zeke. If you don't will, an Id llAo to hear him say then he'll sec mo LGTI.ed first
 "' You're crazy, Belle says the old Your pops only dead two weeks an you want me to marry agin.'
 "' Well. then, says Belle, say three weeks, an bring him to the halter. for ain't a goin' to tote wood, Tor feed no more COW arter that
 "' We'll, agree to that says old Mrs. Pumpkins.
 "' Cos If you don't says Belle, I'll marry one on 'em myself, an we'll sec whose mistress then
 "I wish you could a seen how Mrs. Pumpkins laid out her lines. You seen q ,at watchin' a canary bird, aint you? low the critter crawls up and purs soft IS a Jews harp, an then you seen the title bird jumpin' round all in a twitter, m how at last. when the canary clings with its claws to the wires OS it's cage, Mrs. Cat grabs him, an he's goner That's the way Mrs. Pumpkins done. Says she, Belle. I'll take Jake. don't ike that other feller; he eats too much, m I'll get rid of him So she piled iE 'weet on Jake until he didn't know his alphabet from the multiplication table, m then she laSSooed him. You seen 'em 'atch cattle in Texas? They have long ariat, an throw it over the critters lorns, goin' full split, and bring him lip III stsndin'. Now Mrs. Pumpkins uses ter long oily tongue for a lariat, an 50 . wound it round Poor Jake he cQuldl't ; ole who he was; then, when he was quiet !, $ an ole horse with q cart-lodc of bricks , 'ehind him, she marches him of to , squire Spankcr's office. "' Here, Squire, saws she, is @ man vot owes me reparation, an I'll pay the P fur the marriage ceremony, an heres he same ring as poor, dear Gump&.ns ut on my finger, an I'll use it agin. ,, This ere feller is Tank. an want him Z o see that he can't come down here an ! yin the affections of g lone widder, an . hen go off an larf at her Well, sir, says ths Squire to Jake, what have you got to say to these hero V hargesy' T ''' Dunno. says Jake. \ "' We'll, then, stan up an be married. /, T else be drafted into the Confedrit i, rmy,' says the Squire. So they was larried then an there, an the widder f, uk his arm an toted him home, an, says t he: Now. Jake, afore you get bit O n feddin' cake tote in the wood for the :, ay, an mix the feed for the cow Jake beyed orders, an has been the most suc- essful husband ever see" n
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