The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1886-03-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

the man who holds grab mortgage on
your homestead. He is always ready
to accept your premises. boston Tran
script.
The most terrible weapon of the
American Socialist is his jawbone. He
has Tie same variety of jawbone, too,
with which Samson did such execution
among the Philistines.-Kansas City
Times.
Minister-'I am thinking of getting
new chime for the church. What
would you recommend Parishioner
(who lives next door to the sacred edi-
fce)-"A pair of dumb bells. "-Boston
Budget.
A Government witness in a liquor
case in the Superior Court yesterday
came forward to be sworn. He was so
drunk that he was Immediately given
into the custody of an officer.-PoTttdnd
(Me.) argus.
An Englishman in Madras has, by a
lucky accident. made photograph of a
tiger in the act of Selling his prey. It
was only partial success, however, as
he didn't have time to tell the beast to
"look pleasant. "-Boston Post.
Hello, Jack, where have you beenP"
80, been collecting" ''Ah! what sue
cess?" Very poor. In fact, 1 have
rummaged this town from one end to
the other, and | can't find a man that
owes me cent. "-Harper's Bazaar.
A vigilance committee of marriage
able young ladies was formed in Ere
mont some time ago to investigate the
habits and character of eligible young
men and bachelors. The result of these
inquiries was recorded alphabetically in
books prepared for the purpose and
guarded by a muscular secretary
Omaha Republican.
Il say, dad" asked Jimmy Tuffboy,
"what is it about this Pan-ElectricP
What does it mean?" 80, well, my
son, it means-why, all the papers are
full of it. That's what | said, but
what does it mean?" 'It's something
about electricity in pan attached to
telephones, I believe "Why, dad,
you don't know it ALI do youP''-Hart-
ford Post.
Husband (who has just returned from
his office)-''Well, Maria, children all
WeI' Loving wiz NtFeI GotbeI,
darling" Husband-"Not p blamed
one of EN- sick?" Loving wife-I am
happy to say no, my dear" Husband
-'Humph! Just the way. Here 1 pay
DR.. Pighead $40 month to look after
the family health cause L thought
it would be cheaper. And not a darn
one of We have had even cold since l
made the agreement. Bahr'-RanabIer.
1t is estimated that SO per cent more
deaths are caused by rum in this coun-
try than by hydrophobia. And yet they
are muzzling dogs and drowning them
by hundreds in New York, while rum is
permitted to 60 about seeking whom it
may devour. When man dies from
delirium tremens cry is not raised to
muzzle the whisky barrels or dump them
into the East River to prevent other
persons from falling victims. Norris
torn Herald.
"Mr. Trialbalance, said Old Hvson
to the bookkeeper, ''you were away two
days last week" Il was, Mr.. Hyson;
was summoned suddenly to attend the
funeral of my grandmother" ''Ah,
yes" said the old quite
right, quite right. Accept my condo
lences. Did you bury the old lady?"
Yes, sir" ''Ah, yes; buried her. |
thought from your breath that you had
embalmed her. loud and long-con-
tinued silence. Brooklyn Eagle.
Lawyer John 2. Swazey of Canton
was conversing with Judge of the
Supreme Court one morning last week
on the subject of religious creeds, and
made some emphatic remarks which
led the Judge to say: Hold on, Brother
Swazey! you must remember that | am
a member of an orthodox church" Il
don't care if you are" said Squire
Swazey. I'D give good deal more
for your opinion on legal question than
on question of theology. n-LeWiSton
(Me) Journal.
1t looked like rain as Mr.. Joblittle
started out of the house, and he came
back into the room where his wife was.
81 thought you had gone down to meet
the boys, she said quietly. Il started,
my dear, but it looks like rain" ''Ain't
you going?" Eyes, but guess I'd better
take waterproof along with me. " per
haps you had, my love-" she said iron
ically; land, dear, don't you think you
had better take whisky-proof along?"
Job concluded that the proof was against
him.-MerchGnt IraUeler.
you are charged with playing a flute
by an open window at midnight, to the
annoyance of your neighbour" said the
magistrate. equity or not guilty?"
Guilty" Give dollars fine" but,
your Honor" protested the neighbor
who had preferred the charge, ''consid-
ering the circumstances, the fine seems
insufficient. He played over and over
again, 'We are very wide awake, the
Moon and l." 80! Fifty dollars fine"
-NeaO York Sun.
De Jones-I wonder why Miss Big
giles married Snifkins instead of Booze
by? They were certainly engaged"
Podgrass-"Yes, l know, but Boozeby
wanted to break the engagement of
long ago and was afraid to, SO he sent
Snifkins to break it to her. He fell in
love with her and married her." De
Jones-"Ah, see! Failing to get the
one she wanted, she thought she would
a proxy mater They haven't spoken
since. )-Ranabler.
Andrew Harmon was a well-knowp
Maine soldier. He fought as well as he
could and came out of the service bro
ken down, and is now pensioner. He
came to the post-office one day with an
ordinary letter covered with six or eight
postage stamps. ''Why, Andrew" ex-
claimed the Postmaster, "you DOM need
all these stamps. One is enough"
''You mind your business" said An
drew. 1.-The Government has used me
well and I'm going to use the Govern
ment well. "-LelOtst0n Journal
A few evenings ago, on finishing his
supper, Col. Yerger said to the cook as
she cleared off the table: THAT was
splendidly cooked steak, Matilda. Why
don't you give me something of this
kind every EVENING"" ''Bekase de
culled gemman what am payin' me ten
shun don't stay away cherry ebenin'.
Dat steak was cooked for Jim Webster