The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1886-11-05
VARIETIES.

"They know the time togol
The fairy clocks strike the inaudible hour
In field and woodland, and each punctual
flower.
Bows at the signal an obedent head
And hastens to bed.
Downy and soft and warm,
No little seedlings voice is heard to grieve,
Or make complaints the folding woods beneath;
No lingerer dares to stay, for well they know
The time to go.
Teach US your patience, brave
Dear flowers.
"A SANDER is like hornet. If YOU can't
kill it dead first blow, you had better not strike
at it.
-Customer-"But amt the trousers too
longg" Merchant-"Too long Dey is made
to fit man exzekly your size. If your legs
happen to be drife short you must quarrel
nit nature-not de tailor"
In a Paris cafe: A patron pays bis
score, swell, how about the waiter I" asked
the garcon who presents the bill "The wal
ter!' replies the customer in establishment;
why, don't remember having eaten him p
"A contemporary tells us that one day a
little girl said, Mother, l feel nervous"
Nervous !" said her mother; "what is ner-
vous?" "Why, its being in hurry all overt"
was the reply. The mite had given defini-
ton worth placing in dictionaries.
Tombstone dealer Ito widow)-"Would
you like the cause of your husbands death
explained on the stone, madam Widow
-"Well-er-perhaps it might be appropri-
ate to engrave couple of cucumbers on it,
if you please"
-Bailiff," said an Arkansas Judge one day
last week TO the officer in charge OF the jury,
will you please inform the jury that there
will be horse race in Merrick's pasture at
o'clock ?" The jury had been out for 49 hours,
but in less than 30 minutes they came into
court with verdict.
"A school-master had great deal of
trouble in making boy understand his les
sions, and when he finally succeeded he drew
long breath, and said, "Well if it wasn't
for me, you'd be the biggest donkey in the
town p He believed it.
An unhappy man, about to throw him
self under the wheels of an approaching rail
road train, was seized and held by the switch
man, who said to him: what are you try
ing to do that for?" Let me die am pen
niiess-hopeless." Have you no friends
relativesT' 81 have wife, and she is rich"
"Then why don't you go and live with her ?"
mo. | am not so desperate as all that"
Two gaudily-attired ladies were observ-
ed recently inspecting the colossal statue of
Schiller, of which Chicago is pardonably
proud. what remarkably large man he
must have been" said one, craning her neck
and gazing at the flowing locks and promi-
nent nose of the figure. "Yes," replied the
other, with the condescending air of one i'm
parting knowledge, "the Scotch are always
large men,"
Great diplomacy and presence of mind
were shown in the case of young lady who
sat in an alcove at an evening party with a
bright young military man, her little niece on
her knee to play propriety. Suddenly the
company is electrified by the exclamation of
the child: kiss me, too, Aunt Alcep But
the sudden shock is succeeded by feeling of
relief as Aunt Alice calmly replies: "You
should not say kiss me two,' DEAR you
should say kiss me twice."
When once DR.. Vincent introduced at
Chautauqua DR.. Henderson of Chicago, who
was to lecture on "Fools," he said, "We are
now to have lecture ON fools, by one" Qong
pause and loud laughter from the audience,
when the president concluded with the clause
''of the wisest men in the country" The lee
turer advanced to the desk and responded, II
am not half so big fool as DR.. Vincent"
(another very long pause, and still more
hearty laughter from the audience) would
haveyo suppose"