The Irish standard., 1886-10-02
''STANDARD" BREVITIES.

mothers voice, is coming to America. =
Why don't she bring her own voice? Her
naother's is cracked
<.Are cigarettes ininrious?' demands
an excited exchange. AS the cigarette
is fast wiping out the masher population,
We are inclined to believe that they are
not.
II is said that the very center OF the
eaxth is the only spot where one can be
snerry oil the time, and the reason is
that. as sciencetells us, everything there
loses it gravity.
Boston is rejoicing over man with
TWO hearts. That is very we'll as cur
iosity, but man with two pocketoooks
7stst! no heart can become g. millionaire
much quicker.
Counsel for the defense 'sGentleznen
OF the jury, if there ever was case
which, more than any other case, clAal-
lenged careful comparison with similar
t,ases. this case is that case.'
t'What is the FIRST thing you would do
Jones, if you were stung by hornet?"
asked Smith, who had been reading an
article on the treatment OF stings.
ttHowl!" replied Jones, solemnly.
I1analaay-''Ihe coffee, 7 am sorry to
say, is exhausted, Mr.. Smith
Boarder, Mr. Snaith--"Ah, yes, poor
thing. I Was expecting that; I've noticed
Shat fox some time it hasn't been
strong.'
A lawyer on being asked by lady the
meaning of the term *'fee simple, re-
piled:
A.Fee-simpe and 81 simple tee,
And all the fees entail,
Are nothing when compared to thee,
Thou best Of fees, female
Atasocial gathering on Nicollet avenue
Miss H.slneral2a Longcotsin, wretched
performer, executed a. solo OH the piano.
s4Don't you think she plays that piece q
Little too fast, :" asked Will Baker Of Rob
Stewart. s:No she don't play it half fast
enough, - WAS the sarcastic reply.
Miss IIigllgociety wy You'd I be
,:y>!easea to have you bring Mr.. Van
Kappey, Of New York, to call? First
&cil me about his t'fa1nily."
Mr.. .ontrose-"Oh, thcy We're all
well WHEN he lett. "
t.Is the widow Bangs very wealthy"
s:Yes, she is worth over half million,
And she made all her money herself" +"
ssIow?"
:sBy catching men. Bangs was her
shirl husband. Her first husband left
her :$S25, D)O, her second nearly four times
shat much, and Bangs nearly half mill
lion. | understand that she now an
no11nces that she has retired from bust
ness -
"Ana 10 you not take your local pa
pez?''
seNo: the fact is, haven: time TO read
it,
'sz should thihd you would want to
know what is going on in your village"
ooh, hear ali the news"
f'Yon an?''
ssCh. YES. more than there is in the
z,apcr. My wife attends two sewing Cir
ales every week.
s'You say your wife gets mad and
raises row?''
II should say she dio. She makes
enough fuss to run train forty miles m
hour. That's the way she has been
doing all her life. -
'sl3ut if you knew she was in the habit
of getting mad why did you marry her?'
ssBecause if bad held back She would
have got madden than ever. I did it to
y,acify her, don't you see?"
Two gaudily attired ladies were ob-
served recently inspecting the colossal
statue Of Schiller. of which Chicago is
pardonably proud.
.sWhat remarkably large man he
must have been," said one, craning her
nec|, and gazing up at the flowing locks
and prominent nose Of the figure.
s'Yes," replied the othar, with the con-
descending air OF one imparting know
ledge, ssThe Scotch are always large
meg
Bosrder-''Mrs. Brown. what is this?'
Boarding-house n,istress-'fA chicken,
sir
ooh, it is, eh! I thoughtmaybe it was
reed Bird
'Isn't it good, Mr.. Baker? I stuffed it
With bread and onions, and the incest
filing"
<'Mrs. Brown, do you know what
would have stuffed it with?"
'No; with what?'
<'Another chicken
.sJones-''You haven't taken vaca-