The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1886-11-21
THE CRANK OF CEASKs.
The Sights and Scenes of tho Patent
OsHos.

! III al crankS." said Patent Solicitor |
Rees, 1.-THE patent crank is the worst. he
is incurable. A quiet. staid man, pro |
badly a hsrd-vorking farmer, Will go |
soberly along until some day he will !
| discover some pressing necessity. Then 4
he goes 10 work and envolves soInething |
wild, visionary aud imprscticable; he 1
works on the model in fear and trem- !
hing lest iL should be seen, regards his |
nsighbOrs with suspicion, grows ner-
vous and never sleeps until il is finished. |
Then of he rushes 70 a patent Office to !
secure the benefit of his unparalleled |
invention. After he once s. cures a /
| patent, he is inc1rable. gets out patents /
on every possible subject. and finally |
ruins himself without ever getting a |
cent for his trouble. More curious |
people come for patents than can Be i'm
agiaed. One day an old farmer came into |
the office: with a Large basket on his
arm. He said, Where Is the patent
man2
II intimated that was the individual.
He looked at me susp'ci0usly for no
ment aud said: Y 1ung man, you look
powerfully youthful for a patent lawyer.
J Do you undsrsia ID the oul5ness2 l 10
formed him o. my many years exper
fence. He then 90 up, closer the door, !, {
down the curtain over the vin~ow, ana
said: L have the most Won erfdl inven-
ton ofthe Iline,e ntl century. 1t viii
brig down upon my head The blessings
of all the PEG IL IN the United stes
"Then he Opsne5 the basket. look out
a Ia rye roll OF calico, pair OF shoes for
hiswIfe, a suit for his boy, and there
~ the bottom of the basket lay q min
isture churn. There IL is. young mani
sad there seemed 10 be. no difference
between il any ordinary churn and
washer. Now. Young man. you know
what difficulty IL Is 10 secure good
washer for clothes. I have tried them
aII-there must be sixteen or seventeen
different machines amt there2 Well,
the cheapest of them is about Sl4, and
now by a simple invention OF mine,
person is enabled 10 secure 4 churn.
aud for the slight sum OF twenty-five
cents more, he can have a washer also.
will sell these at Sl0s25 each Let us
see. said. Hf-
There are about 10, 900 900 families n
the United States, every family Will
want one of your patents. and probably
want = new one every three years. so
during the run OF The patent 30,O0OOO0
: of them will be sold. They will probably
!, cost you twenty-five cents, and so you
will gain in ten years 9 clear proht OF
500 90 010. Why, You VIII be the
, richest man in the world
; The old man began TO grow excited,
his hands trembled and MS eyes grew
larger. Let Us see this wonderful tnven-
tion,' l said. He tookit out aud showed
: an ordinary churn, with little knobs on
! the bottom of the dasher, so that IN
cleaning clothes .hese little knobs would
rub against eacn other and clean out
the dirt. Yes I said, that is the
graadest invention in the world. You
. had better take il 70 some lawyer who
has more experience than because, l
? probably could not do 1t justice.
: That's what | think myself said the
old farmer, and he bundled IL up and
went out. U.t
Then again I mad q man come in who
e had put a sliding panel IN the head OF a
J bed so that 1t was impossible Tor the
heads OF the two sleepers to touch. He
S said il would be OF great service TO nur-
ses. as they could lie with a sick man
, | and not catch the disease from his
breath. Also when a man came home
! drunk he could pull out the panel and
his wife would not then smell the hQuor.
, "In sending IN IN application for q
patent il is customary 10 describe the
evils proposed 10 be remsdied and how
: the invention will oNviata them. Now,
! youns man, he said, Il wan dam
fine sead off for this patent. Make t
4 u0E ~AlL4 O4 LIZ ~ OA-
MAKE me hing fine. l TIED once and
!, he die not like Il; again, and still 1t did
not please him
Then l got mad and began in this
wise. When it NAV hap ea that sOrnt
residential disease, : m contagious
affection 10 which the human race IS
heir. mey come Ike an unexpected
thing. striking down in the prime OF life
the MODEST o, our human kind n siss
ness; and also since the days Il ire
: Grecian gods all mankind has indu. = d
. in the flowing bowl ri
!, And on went, Cushing Tor pages.
= | This pleased him very much, and
sent il on 10 Washington. II a few days .
letter came saying that the preamble
: was too long ana iife TOO short TO De
J, able 10 pe-use il; and. more than that,
4 il would keep all the printers in Wash
iugton setting mp patent notices II many
!. inventors sent such descriptions
4 had q man who had discovered per-
petual motion and didn't know It
There is considerable difficulty IN run
ming a stamping mill in some parts OF
the country from lack OF fuel or water
power. This man came 70 me aud said
{ he had figured that il took slx.man
p power 10 run one stamp. Now. said he,
L have arranged 3 rock shaft and on
the end large pendulum, with which,
e by having two men stand and Keep II
5 vibrating. can generate sufficient force
to run FIVE stamps. 81
!. Let Us see I said. You can generate
: power enough u run five stamps. Wei
= then, with only four stamps you would
= have six.man's power left. Vow, you
Z could FIX some shafts and utiize two
! mans power 10 run the pendulum, and
I then have four-man's power left
: why, that IS perpetual motion - he
: said.
Exactly So replied.
."Young man. you are a fool. he
returned. aud stalked out Of the office.
7 -Pittshurg Commercial Gazette.