Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1886-04-10
Imitation.


head--and | am sure that dirt is no dis
grace--that tramped to the village
school,a travelling phrenologist declared
that my bump of imitation covered two
thirds of my Uranium, and as the days
waned the aforesaid bump fully devel-
oped itself. My father used to tell me
that
Lives OF great men all remind us,
We can make our lives suhlime,r
aud at once proceeded to initiate great
men, that my existence might be sub
lime as anybody's.
began on Washington upon whose
acts enlarged somewhat. took my
little Ratchet ,crept to the young orchard
of cherry aud peach, and leveled it to
the ground. My bump Of imitation was
at work. My sire discovered the deed,
and when he asked me regarding the au.
thorship, | forgot a portion of Washing.
toms story, and swore l didn't know
anything about It, But my little
Ratchet" condemned me. Particles of
the soft young bark adhered to it, and
you wouldn't take the application of
peach and cherry that got for all the
lives of q. w. published since the death
Of old Weems.
Then l resolved toimitate Alexander.
We had fine colt, fiery as Vesuvius
and as untamed as Mazeppa's Tartar.
He should be Bucephalus, his Alex
ander. While the old folks were absent
bridled the colt with difficulty, led
him from the stable and drove my spurs
into his flank. He snorted; his poster
Tor extremities shot upward at the sun,
and described faultless parabola over
his head. Bucephalus had conquered
his Alexander. Ancient history had
been reversed. An hour afterward they
picked me up with broken arm. a dis
located collar bone, almost scalped, and
nose knocked forth miles from Sun
day The physician hoped, for my own
good, that the bump of imitation had
been spoiled but subsequent actions de-
clared its faculties unimpared.
When quite young my father had i'm
pressed upon my childish mind the life
of Benjamin Franklin, how worthy of
imitation it was; and when / recovered
from the Bucephalian exploit / resolv-
ed to please the old man by initiating
Ben. made a kite, painted Il. F.'s
| nice sayings all over it, stole the door
key and went out in the field to jerk the
lightning from the clouds. succeeded;
little flash of fire ran down the string
and knocked me senseless. For hours
they thought me dead, but | recovered
with hairless Uranium. | wasn't done
with Franklin yet. You know he went
through Philadelphia once with six
loaves Of bread under his arm, three
loaves in his mouth and handful of
ginger cakes. resolved to thus initiate
the postmaster sage. got my sister to
stand in the door and play the young
lady who laughed at Ben. But then
where was to get the bread ? Our cup
board happened to be as bare as Mother
Hubbard's famous larder. A lucky
thought struck me. l resorted to the
bakery, sent the baker into the oven to
see If the mince pies were done, grabbed
my paraphernalia, and started. l tell
you, / cut figure coming down town
with six loads Of bread under my arms,
and sister sbamed me just like the girl
shamed Franklin. Suddenly somebody
cried: "Stop, thief" and I saw the
baker coming at me. ran under the
bed and let the curtains down, but it
was no use. The brute broke up the di-
dactic entertainment and it cost our
folks about fifty dollars to keep me from
going with the sheriff. 1t taught them
a lesson, however, to furnish their off
spring with bread. That moral saved
me birching. The bump of imitation
was still up TO snuff
Then / fell back on Columbus for
want of modern examples. / read how
he made the egg stand on end. 1t was
near Easter, and the boys had laid in
the usual supply of ovate 'bivalves.' /
bet that / couldsmake an egg stand on
its beam ends. They staked dozen of
bivalves on the proposition. simply
played Columbus, and the little rascals
swore it wasn't fair. reached for the
stakes, and got them, too-all over me.
l was a walking specimen of unadulter-
ated egg-nog. Then they licked me,
and that dilapidated ear had been whole
were 1t not for Columbus's foolishness
The imitation bump will never leave
me.