Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1886-09-18
Brother Gardner on Marriage.

FROM the Detroit Free Press.
Brudder Anibad Cartilever, it am reported
dat you am about to take unto yourself
wife. Dat de report am true your recent
sckshuns am proof. You has been seen
pricn' secondhand stoves, squintin' at TO
dollar bedroom sweets, an rustlin aroun'
arter bric-a brac. Marriage am nufin' you
need be ashamed OF, an l reckon you kin de-
pend on dis club to warm up de house fer
you an leave behind some hard .bottomed
cheers an a few articles OF tinwsre.
Brudder Csntilever, marriage am lottery
or deadsure thing-iist ~ you make 1t II
you git stuck on sight-isll In luv wild a gal
fur her small feet tsperin' waist, dimpled
chin or warblin' mouf an marry her Off
hand at about twelve weeks notis, you
needn't be astonished II dar am dynamite
'sploshun aiore you heV been hitched q
week. Small feet and good temper doan'
sllus 20 together. Slim waists an kitchen
economy may not work in de same harness.
De gal who charms you by de way she
drums de pianner may natly refuse, as a
wife, to run dem same fingers Ober de wash
bod. Firstly, doan' git married until you
know what you are bein' lined TO. Study
de gal. Let de feet go an watch her temper.
Let de bangs go an watch her economy.
Nebber you mind about de way she dimples
her chin, but Az yersslf If she'll make de bed
wild de foot lower dan de head. You has got
to do all de studyin'. Not one gal out Of a
thousand eber stops to size up a luver. II
his Grecian nose or curly ha'r or droopin'
mustsche strikes her fancy she'll neber stop
to study his natur' nor to worry ober his
habits She is marryin' dat nose, or head,
or mustache. A month arter marriage, when
he hauls her aroun' by de ha'r and slaps her
dimpled jaw she's perfectly astonished TO
think she made sich a mistake.
Secondly, Brudder Cantilever, artnr de
knot has bin tied make up yer mind dat de
futur won't be all plain sailin'. You are
gwine to be tried an tested an trubbied, an
you hev got to call up all yer manhood.
Ion will ha'r dc sasser scrapin' de bottom Of
de Hour bari when you hewitt got a cent in
yer pocket De woodpile will run out in
Jinuary, an de sugar an bacon will seem to
be carried OIL by de rats. III yer wife am
eber so good natured she will hev her trials
an tribulashuns an der may lie times when
shell riz up an claw fur you. In de Vars
gone by my ole woman has rushed upon me
wild de rollin'-pin, an has retorted in way
TO make her ears ache, but all dc time l
knowed she WAS sayin' an good hearted, an
she knowed I'd empty my pocke cts Of de las
shillin' to buy her new set Of false frizzes
IL you am suited To each odder an occashunal
row In de family will prove stick in plaster
to hold you de ciusser together. If you amt
suited-if you diskiyer dat you hev struck q
patch of Canada thistles an can't sot still, an
II de odder party diskiyers dat she has taken
tumble OIL do monument OF Romance an
brought up wild a thud in dc mud hole OF
Reality, you jist absquatulate apart Go
quietly an decently an git onhitched by di-
rience stan at yer right hand when ye make
anoder choice. Brudder Cantilsver, my feel
ms an do feelin's OF dis club am wild ye, an
our good wishes, together wild at least "
wurth OF tinware, can be counted on when
ever do fatal occashun arroyes