Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-10-04
Advice About Marriage.

Brudder Amibad Cantilever, it am re-
ported dat you am about to take unto
yerself WIFE, Dat de report am true
your recent ackshuns am proof. You
has been seen pricin' secondhand
stoves, squintin' at fo' dollar bedroom
sweets, an rustlin' around arter bric-a-
brac. Marriage am muffin you need be
ashamed or an reckon you kin de-
pend on lis club to warm up de house
fer you an leave behind some hard
bottomed cheers an a few articles of
tinware.
Brudder Cantilever, marriage am q
lottery or dead-sure thing-just as you
make it. If you get struck on sight
fall in luv wild gal fur her small feet,
taperin' waist, dimpled chin, or warb-
lin mouf, an marry her off-hand at
about twelve weeks motifs, you needn't
be astonished if der am a dynamite
'sploshun afore you hav bin hitched a
week. Small feet an good temper
doan' allus 60 together. Slim waists
an kitchen economy may not work in
de same harness. De gal who charms
you by de way she drums de pianner
may fatty refuse, as a wife, to run dem
same fingers ober a washbo'd. Firstly,
doan' git married until you know what
you are bein' jined to. Study de gal.
Let de feet 60 an watch her temper.
Let de bangs go an watch her economy.
Nebber you mind about the way she
dimples her chin, but ak yerseif if she'll
make de led wild de foot lower den de
head. You has got to do all the study
in. Not one gal out of a thousand eber
stops to size up luver. If his Grecian
nose or curly has or droopin' mustache
strikes her fancy she'll nebber stop to
study his natur' nor to worry ober his
habits. She is marryin dat nose, or
head, or mustache. A month AFTER
marriage. when he hauls her aroun' by
de hair an slaps her dimpled jaw She s
perfectly astonished to think she made
SIGH a mistake.
Secondly, Brudder Cantilever, arter
de knot has bin tied, make up yer mind
dat de fucher won't be all plain sailin'
You are gwine to be tried an tested an
trubbled, an you hev got to call up all
yer manhood. You will h ar de sasser
scrapin' de bottom of de flour bar'l
when you heven't got a cent in yer
pocket. De wood-pile will run out in
Jinuary, an de sugar an bacon will
seem to be carried off by de rats If yer
wife am eber so good-natured she will
hev her trials an tribulashuns, an dar
may be times when she'll riz up an
claw fur you. In de Vars gone by my
ole woman has rushed upon me wild de
rollin'-pin, an has retorted in way
to make her earsache, but all de time l
knowed she was savin' an good-heart-
ed, an she knowed I'd empty my peck
cts of de las shillin' to buy her new
set of false frizzes. If you am suited to
each odder an occashunal row in de
family will prove stickin'-plaster to
hold you de clusser together If you
amt suited-if you diskiver dot you hav
struck patch of Canada thistles an
can't sot still, an if de odder party dis
kivers dat she has taken a tumble off de
monument of Romance an brought up
wild thud in de mud-hole of Reality,
you jist absequatulate apart Go quiet
ly an decently an git unhitched by di-
vorce, an let de wisdom gained by ex-
perience STAN at yer right hand when
We make anoder choice. Brudder Can
tilever, my feeling an de feelins oh de
club am with We, an our good wishes,
together wild at least 50 worth of tin
ware, kin be counted on whenever de
fatal occashun arroves. Gard
ner, IN Detroit Free Press.