Morning journal and courier., 1886-02-23
MEASURED.

There is generally more than three feet of lumber in a woodyard.-Commeroial Bulle- tin.
 It Is said that Queen Victoria is very fond of sardines That is why she doesn't like Gladstone. He is no sardine.-Philadelph Call
 Oxberience was bully deacher. Der only trouble init hiIn was dat he gifs his knowl- edge out when it vas booty late.-Carl Pret- zel's Weekly.
 Young Wife-John, mother says she wants to be cremated. Young Husband-Tel1 her if she'll get on her things I'll take her down this morning. -Tid-Bits.
 Mr Gladstone will announce his Irish pol icy in the House March 22 Why didn't he consult the fitness of things and declare it on the 17tha-Lowell Courier.
 Lady (to applicant)-''What wages will you, expect as nuraes' Applicant-'sHow months" Applicant-'sWidout laudanum, mum, 2.50 wake; wid laudanum, sa."- Harpers Bazar.
 'sI say, Robb, my wife told me yesterday that if came home in an intoxicated condi- tion again she would get divorce"
 'fIs it as serious thata"
 "Yes. Do you know good lawyer l could direct her to?''-Tid Bits.
 Visitor of the dime museum to the little girl who takes the cash-ssWe have made a bet, and we want you to settlait. Is the bearded lady your mother or your aunt?" The little girl-"You are all wrong She's my father. r."-Christian Register.
 Don't Like Him-''I don't like that fel- low Smith," ''Whys" ''Wel1, some time ago I asked him to lend me ten dollars. y 'sAnd he refused you'" "Oh, no; he let me have the money, and that's why am dodg ing him. .''-Arkansaw Traveller.
 Puck would have raised numbers on front doors, so that men who stay out late may have no difficulty in finding their own houses. The idea is not new, but it is dan gerous. Many man has got into trouble by raised figures. es.-Boston Transcript.
 The Hindoos are complaining about the poor quality of idols furnished them by the Birmingham manufacturers. People who feist an adulterated article of idol upon their customers ale utterly devoid of all the finer and nobler attributes of manhood.-Norris- town Herald.
 It seems as if the agonies never would end. The very recentmost of them all is for a young lady to obtain corn cob, gild it, dec crate it with pink ribbons, and place it on her pas plate at the dinner table. This is supposed to be the aesthetic manner of say ing, "You have got to shell .out. ."-Hartford Post.
 "Can you conceive" asked the professor ''of an eternal vacuum, portion of space unoccupied, an empty void, into which noth- ing ever enters, from which nothing can ever come, which maintains inviolate and forever it's own eternal emptiness?" 'I can" replied | the student; t'I have a stylographic pen."- Burdette.
 Hydrophobia in Texas.-Judge Peterby came home not long ago pale as ghost and trembling all over, Whats the mattera" | asked his wife. "Mad dog bit me. In less than two weeks I'll be raving mad and snap | ping at everybody who comes near me-" Judge Peterbery, 'said his wife calmly, ''you l can't work that little game on me. Ma is going to stay right here in the house and help me take care of you" 'I expect I'll have to go to Paris and be treated by Pas teur," ...said Peterby. "Ma and will go along with you" Up to the time of our | going to press Peterby has developed no signs of hydrophobia, but to say that he is mad is no exaggeration whatever.-Texas | Siftings.