News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-10-07

"Oh, Irene! At such a moment as
this, when my life's happiness is trem
bling in the balance. can you be so cruel
and heartless as to pull chestnut gong
on me. Chicago Tribune.
GENTLY.
A Boston correspondent tells Of a we'll
known citizen of that place who, having
been brought home i'll, sent the maid of
all work to break the news gently to
his wife. She did She rushed into
her mistress's room exclaimlng:
son, Lord, mum; but shure an
think thin min had ought to be paid !''
''What men2" placidly inquired the
lady.
''Shure, mum, thin min that lugged
him! !" was Katy's lucid response.
Lugged him2" echoed the other,
completely puzzled.
eyes, mum; they lugged the master
home in their owe arms, an" but
by this time the wife had rushed to the
husbands side.
THE DRUG MAN.
''Beg pardon, SIR" said a Chicago
hotel clerk, as he took very small grip
sack handed him by belated traveller,
who had come in on the 11.30 p. m,
and asked for room, "but our rules
require cash in advance from guests
with little or no baggage. Boy, show
the gentleman up to room 387, sixth
floor. Dollar and half, sir, if you
please.
"S1r!" said the guest, 81 am an Iowa
druggist in prohibition town"
"a thousand pardons," exclaimed
the clerk. ''Boy, take the gentleman
to room 27, first floor. Never mind the
cash, sb-never mind the cash.
Chicago Tribune.
NOT A PARTISAN.
"Isn't he beautiful ~ said the wife of
the politician, as she dandled her baby
boy. who smiled and kicked every time
she threw him up.
''He is," answered the proud father,
as he watched the play of the little feet,
''but I'm afraid he will never be good
party man."
''Why not?'
'Because he's kicker"
IT is these terrible things that cast
gloom over the happiest families. -
Boston Courier.
SUFFERING.
DR.. Catnip. "Why, how de do, Gus
tabus, dis mawnin'2 By de depletion
ub yo' face, l specs yo's sutf'rin' a der
cline on count OBJ dis 'pressin' wedder,
sah"
Gustavus. "Dat's ies de hull matter,
doctah; it am dercline rs sutf'rin'
from l arsked dat Lucindy las
night ter become Mrs. Gustabus
Jonsing, an dis var mawnin' she writ
an sez she 'spectfuIly dercline I'-Har-
per's Bazar.
COMMERCIAL STATISTICS.
An Austin merchant, as personal
favor, took the son of wealthy gentle
man into his office to learn the bust
ness, giving him the cash book to
keep.
"Does the cash account balance?"
asked the merchant, at the end of the
first day.
80, yes, splendidly. There are even
forty or fifty dollars too much. "-1e.rGs
Sytings.
TIMELY HINT.
81 feel as if | were in heaven!" said
an ardent admirer, who was slow in
popping the question, to young
lady.
II wish you dill" was the rejoinder.
"Why, do you doubt my word!' re-
proachfully.
"Well-well- they say marriages are
m made in heaven" she replied.
She wears On engagement ring now.
N. Y. San.
THE LOST CHAMPIONSHIP.
A man from Detroit silent sat on third base
Singing Cage, Chicago, Chicago
In vain did he wipe the hot tears from his face.
Singing 'Cago, Chicago, Chicago.
SIS 1t weakness of pitching or muffing,"
cried,
cor big lot of base hits all on the wrong
side?"
He sang very family as slowly he died:
Chicago, Chicago, Chicago "-Lge.
HE CHANGED HIS MIND.
Dobson (who has come hither to
horse whip the editor, but is somewhat
appalled, at his size): Are you the edi-
tor that wrote the article aboutJ. Thorn
as Dobson2
Editor: Yes.
Dobson: Weller hum. Why
here's a horse whip l found on Jour
pavement. l thought, perhaps. 1t be
longed to you.--Ihe Judge.
SPORTING NEWS.
"These Eastern ball l-players are poor
sticks" remarked the Squire, at the
country post Office, after the mail was
opened. 81 see here, that in game
played a few days ago the score stood
only two to three. Why, our club in
playing with the Crooked Creek boys,
made forty-three runs. If these Eastern
fellers knowed that, l reckon they
wouldn't blow so much"
EVERY ACCESSORY REQUIRED.
A thrifty farmer went one day to the
parson, with the woman of his choice,
to be married.
"What's your fee, parsons" he asked.
1.-TWO dollars" said the parson.
"Two dollars !" exclaimed the farmer.
"Well, s'pose Ill hev to pay it to ye,
but if ye charge me two dollars for
marrying me, ye'll hev to be pretty gol-
darned civil about itp'-B0StOn Rec0rd.
LOTS REFLECTIONS.
"She did wrong to look back, didn't
she, Bessie ~
Yes, mamma"
"Aud what do you think Lot thought
when he saw his poor wife turned into
pillar of saltI"
II don't know, mamma; l 'spect he
L L.