The Portland daily press., 1886-09-25
WIT AND WISDOM.

In Texas: Hotel Clerk-Col Gary, do you wish
to leave on the next train?
Col G.-When does it leave?
Clerk-In two hours.
Col Glow many beer saloons are there be-
tween here and the depot?
Clerk-There are four
Col. G.-Is the beer good?
Clerk-Very good, l am told.
Col. Gwen, that settles it.. l am too late for
the next tram. can't get TO that depot inside of
half day. don't mind Missing few tran3 but
I'd hate TO get LETT on the beer
Thousands Of ladies have found relief by the
use of Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound,
the only remedyfor diseases peculiar to females.
"She did wrong to look back, didnt she, Bes-
sle? SAID mother after telling her little girl the
story of Lot.
YES, mamma"
"And what do you suppose Lot thought when
ne saw ms poor Wlie turned INTO plllar OF salt?
II don't KNOW, mammal 'spect he wondered
where he could get fresh one."
Vegetine is the king of cures for lameness and
weakness peculiar to women. 1t always gives
relief.
"If it wasn't fer one thing, boys" said an old
farmer as he got down from his wagon, "Id bet
emmy amount OF money on that bay colt o. mine
trotting mile in 216i4, I'd bet million dol
lars ef had it,
The crowd laughed dsrisively "What is tie
THE distance is too far Ter the tme."
Always avoid harsh, purgative pills. They first
make you sick and then leave you constpated
Carters Little Liver Pills regulate the bowels
and make you well. Dose, one pill.
The Hebrew Standard tells story of a Chris
tian clergyman who went to synagogue with
ton Chanting ''Mizmar IDavid," !" his friend told
him that it was sung to the same tune In the time
'Ah!" said the Christian, 81 have often won
dered why Saul threw his javelin at David"
Eiy'S Cream Balm was recommended!to
me by my druggist as preventive to hay fever
Have been using it as directed since the 9th of
August, and have found it a specific for that much
dreaded and loathsome disease. For ten years
or more have been great sufferer each year,
from August 9th till frost, and have tried many
alleged remedies for its cure, but Ely's Cream
Balm is the only preventive have ever found
Hay Fever sufferers ought to know OF its eff
cacy, F. B. AINSWORTH,
OfFB AINSWORTH & CO., Publishers,
Indianapolis, Ind.
Ponsonby-owes you two and half, does he?
That will be all right.
Atlantic City Hotel Man--But IL amt all right
want TO know Whe he IS. .
Ponsonby with empressment)- is Arthur
de Twirlinger one of the creme de la creme of
Philadelphia society.
Hotel Man with sarcaSm)-From the slick way
he got away after breakfast, didn't know but he
might be one of the butter de la butter
Lydia L. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound, the
great medicine for the cure of all female COM
plaints is pleasant to take and eficacious.
There is very religious restaurant in Boston,
on the walls of which there is an odd jumble of
texts of Scripture and items from the bill of fare
as follows "He shall feed his flock like a Shep-
herd-Hot Sausage, 10 cents.' "If We be obedi-
ent We shall eat of the fat of the land-Hot Apple
Sauce, cents" "God moves in a mysterious
way-Hash, 10 cents"
If you are nervous or dyspeptic try Carters Lit
tie Nerve Pills. Dyspepsia makes you nervous,
and nervousness makes you dysyeptic; either one
renders you miserable and these little pills will
cure both.
Mrs Arlington (fresh from Pride's Crossing)-
Tell me, how did you find the Louxembourg?
Mrs. Arabella Jones Qresh from ParIs)-We
didn't patronize the place. We found all we want
ed at the Bonn Marshay, and secured the very
best terms. l was very much pleased