davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07

GrieBin1 because wouldn't rear IT,
1 oft found her weeping DER the old IN
availing leg, and was sorry told her any
thing about it. She worried over it for
months, and then bright idea struck her.
She sent it to a dear relative on the occasion
Of her wooden wedding. The dear relative
had full set Of legs of her own, but Maria
said that did not matter, as an anniversary
gift was not valued for its usefulness but for
the giver.
Then a travelling agent traded me a case Of
horse powders That sort Of health food non
pIussed Maria for a time as we had no horse
to feed them TO- She often gazed on me IN
way that seemed To say ought 20 end her per
plexity by taking the health food myself, bat
she did not speak out, and I was glad After
some months ventured TO ask about the horse
powders and then Maria told me frankly she
had mixed them in my griddIe cakes. and that
had seemed to ike them thus She couldn't
think Of having them 20 70 waste, she said,
and as I complained 50 much about taking any
little thing Of that sort, she had decided &c
smuggle them into me IN disguise
l had another short respite from keeping
things from going 70 waste, when a mustard
plaster maker sent ne six dozen Of his biggest
and strongest plasters, with 2 request for
write-up.
Dear Archimedes,- said Maria, with a ten
der look at me. &c Te cannot afford 70 waste
these excellent plssters. You must let me put
several Of them on you every night. 4 man
Of your build and habits is liable 10 have some
sort Of sickness at any moment. Those six
dozen mustard plasters may save your life
I kicked, but 20 no purpose. I went TO bed
with six OF seven large, warm, thrilling mus
tsrd plasters stuck about here and there on
my person. There was one on each foot, a
large one covered my gothic backbone and
another warmed itself on my bosom. It also
warmed my bosom When all these shop
made mustard plasters got 20 work they made
things lively for poor old Archimedes Hard
pan. They filed me- full of intense excite
ment. am tough old fossil, but L couldn't
stand q great deal Of that sort Of thing, so
rose up in bed with wild, blood chilling
war whoop and filled the air with mustard
plasters.
1 sold The Horn of Plenty soon after that
last painful event Maria has given those
vigorous, thrilling mustard plasters to the
missionary society to send TO the heather, and
when the heather adorns himself with nine or
ten of them and a stovepipe hat, and goes 70
church with a triumphal air, l shall want TO
hear how he deports himself. l am, there
fore, anxiously awaiting advices from the
heather. / don't know the heather, but am
well acquainted with those mustard plasters.
Scott Way in Detroit Free Press.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
ARcHIMEpEs HARoPAN
Relates His Editorial Experience with
The wayback Horn Of Plenty"

Relates His Editorial Experience with
The wayback Horn Of Plenty"
Ny name is ArchImedes Hardpan- Until
recently I was editor Of The WsTback HDre
u Plenty Ny Journalistic career was
short, sad and painful am now brooGing
Der the painful past. I have 80 much painful
past % brood DER that ! haven't time 20 DO
much else.
Let the frivolous and trifing pause here
and turn % auotha~ column. These remarks
are not for them. They are for those who
san weep q couple Of tears over my painful
past
Ny wife's name Is Maria She is q woman
Of an economical turn If mind and great
force Of character. In her domestic walks
waste nothing is her maxim, and her con
slant efforts TO have me help her waste
nothing have been the cause Of much If my
painful past.
The advertising patrons % The Horn II
Plenty paid me- mainly in sad-irons, cork
screws, garden seeds, health food and varI-
ETY. Of other things which congress has thus
FAR neglected 70 make a legal tender. In this
respect my paper vas truly horn of plenty
Il was more Of the nature Of hollow horn
Ny first advertising contract yielded me- a
dozen liver PADS tried 20 trade them 70
the grocer for a piece of bacon, which, /
thought, would give my liver more Joy than
a pad but he looked az me cOldly and said
that Il yer pads had gone out Of style When
Maria found them on my hands she insisted
that I should wear them, and when Maria IN
sists I usually give in 70 save trouble and
loud talk. For twelve weeks / wore large.
scarlet trimmed pad over an innocent and
well behaved liver. Then Maria gave the
czast-of pad 70 the local benevolent society for
the poor
Ny next important contract brought me an
artificial leg. That rather stumped Maria rs
we were both fully supplied with legs. The
old wooden limb caused her good deal Of
mental pain. Sometimes she seemed 10 al
most wish I would lose a leg somehow or
other, 80 that the artificial limb could be
turned % Use. knew that she vas grlevinS
herself sick because 1 couldn't wear it and
wouldn't try.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
oNLY a sLIeHT MIsTAKE.

Said I. L know whom I would chose
OF all the lasaies near,
70 be the darling Of my heart,
Ny lonely life % cheer"
She answered, I could also tell =
Which Of the lads I love full welLT -
Said I, athe maid I'd choose Is fair
As June's most perfect day,
And Oh, ike yours, in her soft cheek
The dimpIes shyly play
She answered, He 10 whom I'm true
Is-well-a trife, sir, Ike you"
4Tbe maid I love" quick replied,
Is now 50 near 10 me
That if I do but raise my eyes,
Her own Im-sure to see
@And If l do but turn my head
III see the lad I love- she said,
o wondrous joy my lips grew bold
It's YOU whom I adOrei
Now show me whom your heart w0u1s
choose,
And let Us Jest no mOrer
Said she, Forgive ne, II you can,
But really, sir, you're not the man7
-Harperis Weekly.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
An Echo From the Ministries.

Mr.. Jones" said the end man, with the in
sinuating voice for which he ceased to TO
famous some time during the reign Of Eliza
beth, "can you tell me how to invest money
so that it viii go the farthest'"
NO, Mr.. Thompson, am not aware that l
can. How do you invest money So that it
viii go the farthest7'
why, you buy postage stamps, to be sure
The orchestra played and Bones sang, why
Is Our Growers Vest Cut Lowf-Tid- Bits
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
Poetry AppIied TO Cookery.

Young housewife wish to get pair Of
chickens.
Dealer-Yes'm. Here are some very nice
ones.
Y H.--Have you any game chickens.
Dwell, mann, they don't often kill game
chickens They keep em for show
Y HI should prefer game chickens
D.-For what reason, ma'mf
Y. H.-Because game chickens are brave.
Dwell, what o that}
Y H--The poet says, @The bravest are the
tenderest. Boston Courier.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
Lions B, 4.

The regular lecturer to the panorama being
Ill, his assistant behind the scenes, a Hiber-
nia1, officiated in that capacity one night.
Lecturer-This mOvin' scane, gintlemen
and ladies, represents Daniel in the Lions
Den" TaiK is Daniel betwixt the lions
Auditoc-Be them wild lions or circus
hOnSl
Lecturer pity the ignorance of the like
of yez, scr. This was B. c., before circuses.
Texas Siftings
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
WHAT LACK WE YETI

WHAT LACK WE YET?
When Washington WIS president,
As cold a. any icicl-,
He never on q railroad went,
And never rode 2 bicycle
He read by 10 electric lamp,
Nor heard about the Yellowstone;
He never licked g postage stamp,
And never saw q telephone.
His trousers eld11 az his knees,
b wire ne could not words dispatch;
He filed his lamp with whale oil grease,
And never had match TO scratch
But IN these days its come to pass,
Al work Is with such flashing done,
We've al these things-but, then, alasl
We seem 10 have no Washington.
-Burdette.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
FIatterv Fetched Hin.

DobsOn-Hello, JObson, old man how are
you! Oh, by the way, can you change SO
bill for met
JobsOn pleased to be thought a CAPITALIST
Certainly, my boy, certainly.
DobsOn-GOodl Tn glad to hear it. Then
you'll certainly be able 70 pay me that s. YOU
borrowed last year.
And JobsOn had to pay.-Somerville Jour
nal
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
A Big Vase.

What viii De the largest bronze vase
ever made in Japan has been commenced
at Osaka. Ii viii be thirteen feet high
and over three feet in diameter at the
mouth. Exchange.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
The Poverty of Rnsfness.

ATectiorate wife TO husband-YOu say you
car take Nc to Saratoga this summerl Why,
taeces Ditchstts-he's going to take his wife
for a whole season.
Husband--Yes; but, my dear, Ditchetts has
~ failed. have not.-The Judge.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
STEAMER LEHUA,
CLARK, Commander
VIII leave regularly for same ports. as Kilaues
STEAMER MOKOLU,
lMccIezor, commau1erl,

LAccIezor, Commanderl,
Leaves for the fono iuc ports every alternate
Monday = IN,
Commencing su-vst TO Lanai, Kamalo. Pu-
zoo Iahafna, C.uvllu. Returning TO Labaina,
Pukoo. Kamalo, Lanai, arriving AT Honolulu sat
urday morning.
To- PukoC HaIawa W ailaBs Pelckunu, kalaupapa
Returning % Pukoo- Lahaiua. olowalu, Lahains.
Pukoo. KamalO. Kaunakasai, arriving az Homo
lulu saturday morning.
nsF- The Company viii not be responsible Tor
anv freight or packages unless roceipted for. nor
for personal baggage unless plainly marked. Not
responsible for money or Jevselry unless placed tn
barge Of the Purser.
All possible care viii ne taken Of live stock, but
the Com paDy VIII NOS assume any risk OF accident
SAI'L q. WILDER, President
= 3. ROSE. Secretary.
OFF .E-Coruer Fort and Queen streets.
Sol Mar 30
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
VILDER'S STEAMSHIP Co.,
Limited.
STEAMER KINAU,


Leaves Honolulu per following schedule,
touching at L.shaina, MaaIaeat Maizena,. Manu-
IONA kawa1hae I.aupahOehoe. HilO and keauhou:
Commencing on MONDAY. July 20, 1856, and
on every alternate Monday at p. m, the Hlnau
will make the VOLCANO TRIP. reaching Keau-
hou on Wednesday morning, where horses and
carriages are IN waiting TO convey passengers 10
the VOLCANO HOUSE dive miles in the saddle
and nine miles by carriage.
Psssanners bv this route viii have two days
and tvvo nights at the VOLCANO HOUSE.
TICKETS FOR THE ROUND TRIP To THE
VOLCANO, FIFTY DOLLARS, WHICH PAYS
ALI. CHA RGES.
The Kinau viii arrive I'm Honolulu sunday
mornings on Volcano trips. on HiO trips, viii
leave Honolulu on Tuesdays, and return saturday
morning.
PASSENGER TRAINS VIII connect with the
Einau at MahukOna
The Kiuau WILL TOUCH at Honokaia and
Paauhau on down trips from HilO for Passengers
II a signal is made from the shore.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07

PACIFIC
Commercial Advertiser
STEAM BOOK AND JOB
| PRINTING OFFICE
I, prepared to do all alndso
Commercial & Legal Work
Having just Received a Complete and New
| Assortment of
Job Types and Ornaments
Of the Latest stylss from fro P- the % nos cse
and employing only Experienced
and Tasty Workmen, We are
prepared to turn ont
Letter Heads.
Bill Heads.
/ Circulars.
( Note Heals.
Statements,
Bills OF LadIBR.
J Contracts,
Mortgage Blanks,
Leases,
/ Shipping Contracts,
In Hawaiian & EngishJ
Calendars.
Blank Checks.
! Stock Certificates,
Business Cards.
/ Meal Checks.
MiIk Tickets,
Gnnk q ecks
Orders.
Receipts.
| Marriage Certificates.
BipIOmaa,
Catalogues.
BIottiu& Pads
And in fact everything which frst-class
/ Office can do
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
y Ssignee y office.

4 APAU having made assignment 10 HT-
- Man BROS. for the benefit Of his cred tors.
all persons having any claims against said c.
APAII. are hereby notified to present them with
pr0pe- vouchers At the ONCE Of the und srsIgued
and al persons owing 20 said c. APAII, or haT-
in5 any property Of MS II their possession are
.--Teoy notified 10 make payne at and accounting
II once 10 the uuterziE ned.
HYNAN BROS
Honolulu November 30 1856. 326-I8nl
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
STEAMER LIKELIKE.

Davis, COmman0eli.
Leaves Honolulu every Monday al ) p. NJ tor
+Kaunakakai. Kahului, HuelO. Hama and
KipahuIu. every week: Keanae, MoEulaU and Nun
every other week. Returning, VIII stop at the
above ports, arriving back Saturday mornings
For mails and passengers only.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-07
STEAMER KILAUEA HOU,
Cameron. Commander.

VIII leave regularly for LHhdIua, Paauhan, ~
hOlaIeie OokaIa. KukaiaU, HonoIIHa, LauPahO
hoe. HakaIau and OuOmea
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
Hustler Joe.

stood at eve when the gas was lit. by the door of
cheap hotel,
Where damsel lived Who in wild burlesque used to
do ex tremely WELL
Who lured mems cash from their pocket.books upon
numerous wassail nights
Who seemed quite shabby in street attire but who
looked immense in tights
Yet blossom III send to her today-not Jack roses
Not the Aiaiecha Neil whose lofty price fills man
with great disgust;
But small cheap blossom that's low in price which
viii do we'll not;
For dry goods salesraans stipend is the only cash
I've got.
In the Simmer when the meadows were aglow with
blue and rel.
Joe. Cincinnati drummer, and fair Annie smsthe
A simple restaurant cashier was Annie, You must
know.
While he 50 successful that they called him
Hustler joe"
Well they settlsd dowa. an life for them worry
And there might have been poem for to startie
" ashington,
II o. onedsy while our Annie wiped thedinnsr dishes
CRY,
aas.. y-lookiny gentlemsn had not meanderea by.
Twas the old wretehed story that SO many of
know
Of a manager out looking for some talent for his
show;
Ho offered Nan salary to come and do he's best.
And when Joe came homs 10 suppsr-wel he found
his wife non est.
A few months Later dropping in to witness bur
lesque.
Joe saw his exwise on the stage in raiment pictur-
es1as;
And. beng of practical and unrornantic Sort
lie sails Coms hons. oh, Annie, and your husband
dear. support
Then JoEeph bought overcoat, all nicely trimmed
with fur
And Annie paid his bills. though at their size she'd
oft defnur.
He carried round her poodle, bought her many a
bouquet,
And worked up her receptions in most artistic way.
But firing of her finally, husbands will, of course,
He ultimately sued his gentle Annie for divorce.
She pays him amony and he's really quite swell,
While she's compelled to tarry at second-class
hotel.
So think I'll send to this fair young thing small
low priced bouquet;
can purchase it secondhand ut the undertakers
the way;
And fbeg to state that this poem here is wicked
as it can be-,
Though just where the wickedness comes in you may
not clearly see.
Chicago Rambler.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18

candidate was the Rev. Christopher Words
worth. Mr. Smith. who was born in 1886, ID q
Fellow of Christ's College. His scholarship is at
once broad and profound. In his case heresy has
led to both honor and emolr ment.
Western Christian Advocate: An indianapolis
pastor was recently catechizing class of chill
dren the ain of Adam and Eve. Wishing to
make 1t as impressive as possible, he sald After
| they had sinned they felt so badly that they hid
themselves among the bushes and leafY shrubs
of the garden, and while they were hiding they
heard some one come walking, walking through
the garden, and voice called out, Adam, where
art thouF Now who do ron suppose that vast
Up went several little hands We'll said the
teacher TO little girl Little girl, confidently,
His mother!'
Chicago Living Church: The manner of fill
ing the vacant See Of Armagh is particularly
Irish. The prmacy is attached to the see In
question, but election by the synod does not
give title to the throne, The House Of Bishops
elects primate Ii the elect Happens to be the
| bishop of another see, he goes TO Armagh, and
the bishop elected by the Synod of Armagh goes
to the TINS vacated. Consequently, DR.
Reeves. who has just been elected bishop by the
Synod of Armagh, does not know OF what do
cese he may be bishop. and some diocese In Ire
land may have bishop in whose election Its
clergy had no voice.
Bishop Weaver of the United Brethren Church,
speaking of the law against secret societies. says:
Il saw we could not by arbitrary legislation keep
All Tile mefhuefS OF the secret OFuefS out Oh our
church. The majority of our ministers and
members We're opposed to such rule. did
not, and do not now, believe that it is wise TO
attempt TO carry forward Law in the church
when the majority was opposed to it. saw that
by our stringent laws were not only not win
ming men from the lodge, but were driving them
and their friends away from the church. For
these and such like reasons changed my views
with respect to our methods of dealing with Sc
cret societies
Some fifty years ago an appeal was made to
the British people In the form of letter with
the heading. ..Pity Poor Fiji At that time the
islands were given no to heathenism-h heather
ism of q Very barbarious and offensive kind. The
appeal was heard. The Wesleyans sent out
missionaries at once. Quite recently the jubilee
of the Christian church in Fiji was celebrated
II appears from reports brought back by depu
ties who took part in the jubilee celebration that
there is not now heather on the islands.
Among no people in modern times has the tr!
umph of Christianity been complete and it is
claimed that ont Of population of l02. 600, 49,
GOO are Wesleyans The Roman Catholics, who
have been in the islands since 1876 claim large
proportion of the balance.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18

In competition for a prize an English lad
offered the following essay on Columbus:
Columbus was q man who could make an egg
stand on end without breaking it, The King of
Spain said to Columbus. Can you discover
American Yes said Columbus, If you will
give me ship So he had ship, and sailed
over the sea in the direction where he thought
America might be found. The sailors quarreled
and said they believed Their, was no such place.
But after many days the pilot came TO him and
said, Columbus, I see land Then that is
America said Colum bus. When the ship got
near, the land was full of black men. Columbus
said. is this Americap Yes it y said they.
Then he said. Il suppose you are tce niggersp
Yes they said we are The chief said, 7 sup
pose you are ColumbusP You are right said he.
Then the chief turned to his men and said,
There is no help for 1T we are discovered at
last ~
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
MUNICIPALITIES.


EIesy Written ON an Editors waste-Basket.
Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid
Some thoughts that proudly did to fame aspire,
Views that the code of morals might have swayed,
Or walked society to evils dire.
But knowledge to all eyes is not displayed
With all the circumstance of time and place;
Necessity repressed the noble effort made,
And freze them out for simple want of space.
Full many an ode to Gentle SPRING addressed
In the waste-baskets chaos finds its goal.
Full many sketch here goes to its long rest,
Or finds its coffin in pigeon-hoe.
Boston Record Office Boy.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18

nent literary man of the time in Spain While
in this country Senior Valera has devoted much
time to the study of American literature. and
volume of translations, 20 be called "Ecos de
America" will soon bear witness to the inteili-
eence of his devotion. The book will bear the
imprint of the Spanish department of ID. Apple
ton 81 CO.. and the same house have arranged
with Senior Valera for the publication, both in
Spanish and English, of his ssPepita Jiminez. .
which, besides having run through the Spanish
newspapers and magazines, has appeared in
eight editions in book form in Spain, and been
translated into German, French, Italian and Be-
hemian.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
Home Rule.
Puck.

Puck.
Mr.. Poultney has very inquisitive son, who
is much interested in foreign politics
PA" said he the other morning, what is
home rulel"
Home rule" replied Mr.. Poultney, looking up
from his paper, why, home rule is home rule ,
Eyes, pa" persisted the youth 'but what is
home rulel"
ASK your school-teacher, and don't bother me-
haven't any time to answer such silly ques-
tons"
Going down on the car to his Office, Mr.. Poult-
ney met business acquaintance.
Rather Interesting condition of affairs in Eng
land just now observed the acquaintance. II
wonder how that home rule matter will be set
ted
Il don't know. am sure,n replied Mr.. Poult-
ney, pleasantly II was just explaining the sit
uation to my little boy this morning. It is very
interesting question, and one am very anxious
20 see settled
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18

girls advent there. She looked upon both IL
them with equal favor, but could not decide
which she preferred unless they gave her a
proof OF their devotion. Some men would
nave fought duel under these circumstances.
but these compositors knew .tplanerr method
OF settling the dispute than to s.chasen each other
around with shooting sticks They agreed to
set type for the girl The winner can now .presss
his girl TO his heart and mediate what fat
take" he has got, for she weighs one hundred and
sixty pounds.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
The Widows Favorite Text.

Boston Record
The pastor of South End church called on a
bereaved widow of his congregation, the other
day. and began consoling her with Scriptural
texts. Her husband had long been an invalid
and the minister's selections bore On the rest
into which he had entered.
EYES," she sighed, land there Is one beautiful
verse in the Psalms that applies 90 me that [
think of so much: 'Otheo's occupation is GOMEZ"
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
Onr Geography elias

Pittsbrrg Chronicle.
Professor James, where is Fayal?"
Dunno"
George can you tellW
.'Yessir,"
where is it2'
.'In the play of Rchelieu, where the Cardinal
says it amt in respectable young man cur
rculum.'
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
what We Are Coming To.

Puck
How much Is the shoes2"
Five dollars
Five! That's more'n I'll pay I'll give ye
two"
mo-
s'Nol say will give re two"
'Weil, won't take two Move ont"
sFaith. Ill not! lii shtan' here till We take
two. An eff yez don't take two, we'll airbitrate!"
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
A Typographical Romance.

Pittsbnrg Chronicle.
In the Office of the Bear, a rural newspaper of
Oxford county. Maine, the force of compositors
consist Of two young men and one young lady,
but soon the young lady will leave the Office and
become the VITA Of one of the young men, Ii
seems the male ccmpositors were both captivated
by the lovely form of the fair printeress whose
beauty was OF the most alluring type" AS a
consequence there were two very bad eases OF
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-04-18
Why He Kicked.

Lowell Citizen.
De Beans-So the Jones' Brown match is
broken off is ito
DOnkey-Yes! The Browns objected to Jones
being so deuced economical.
De Beans-You astonish me.
DOnkey-Yes! He sent circulars to all the
ministers in town asking for their lowest matri-
monial terms. and old Brown kicked.