News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-02-04
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
LITTLE HUMOROUS READING FOR
THE LEISURE HOURS.
The I.ime-Kiln Club-A Long LOOk-In the
HaIIway-Kuew there would be n Mar
riage-Raising the Fund-DOts and
Dashes, ETC., Etc.

The I.fme-Kiln Cuba Long Look-In the
HaIIwny-Knew there would be n Mar
riase-Raising the Fund-DOts and
Dashes, Etc, EtcS
AGRICULTURAL.
The Committee on Agriculture, of the
Lime-K Kiln Club, to whom had been
submitted the inquiry: "What article
of food will sustain life the longest2"
reported that the matter had been
thoroughly investigated, and that the
conclusion had been reached that moth
ing could beat turnips. They were pal
atable to extreme youth and old age.
A careful post-mortem showed that they
contained sugar, water, starch, lemon
ade, taffy, 'possum, roast duck and cod
liver oil. Eaten raw, they supplied a
! long felt want; cooked in water, they
hushed the cries of the children and
stopped the iawing of the old woman.
! They need no oysters or cranberry sauce
! to flavor 'em to a certain pitch, and the
saving in pepper alone will almost sup
port a family through hard winter.
| 1t had been satisfactorily shown that
the turnip had more staying powers
than goose meat, more poetry than soup
bone, and more domestic happiness than
leg of mutton.
SHE TOOK THE CAKE.
A Western member of Congress who
went home for vacation telegraphed
his coming to certain friends, and as he
rolled into town his ear was on the
! - ho nf
brass band. The notes came, but they
were mile away. He looked for the
crowd, but there was none. Going up
the street he met one of the friends who
must have received his word, and hotly
demanded:
"What sort of way is this to re-
ceive your member of CongressW
''My dear sir, it is very unfortunate,
but none of your friends are to blame.
A champion female roller skater struck
the town this morning, and no Con
gressman will amount to a pound of
putty until her engagement expires.
The band, all the Common Council, all
county officials are now escorting her to
the rink, and the boys are crying Our
| Congressman be blowedw
KNEW THERE WOULD BE WEDDING.
'rYou will hear of a wedding soon, y
said a rather prudish looking dame to
lady friend in v street car the other
| morning.
''Will II" replied the lady; "who is
to be joined in holy bonds of matri-
mony2"
'eWhy, that couple opposite us"
''Where did you get your informa-
ton; you are not acquainted with
them2"
"No; yet am sure of it" replied
the spinster. ''Didn't you see her wet
the end of her handkerchief with her
tongue and wipe a little dirt off the
/ gentltmans cheek ~
"The gentleman may be her hus-
band, said the lady.
"Then she would have brushed it oil
with her muff. ."-Nati0nal Weekly.
LONG LOOK.
a specialist in throat trouble was
called to treat Boston lady who mani
tested SO much interest in his surgica
instruments that he explained their uses
to her. ''This larynoscope," said he
''is fitted with small mirrors and al
electric light; the interior OF you
throat will be seen by me as clearly as
the exterior; you would be surprised tc
know how far down we can see with ar
instrument of this kind" The opera
tion over, the lady appeared somewhat
agitated. "PoOr girl, said her sister
who was present; ''it must have beer
very painful" "Oh, no, not that,
whispered the Boston lady; "but JUS
as he fixed his instrument IN place
remembered that l had hole In m,
stocking"
BOUGHT MINE.
An Eastern young man returned hom
few DAYS ago from trip to Colorado
for his health, and in narrating his ad
ventures he told his father about buying
silver mine for $50
81 knew they'd rope you in" ex
claimed the old man. $50 you wer
ass enough to buy humbug mine"
eyes; but I didn't lose anything.
formed a company and sold half tn
stock to Connecticut man for 81, 900.
''Y-you didr' gasped the old man
as he turned white. "pu bet I'm tn
one who bought it"
al know you are," coolly observed
the young man, as he crossed his leg
and tried to appear very much at home
Alto California.
GOOD EXCUSE.
Said Judge Noonan, of San Antonio
to convicted malefactor:
''It has been proven that you burglar
lied house, stole a ham, and forgeC
another mans name to note"
"May be So"
"You have also been sailing unde
the false names of Smith, McMullen
Goodrich, and Perkins while you wer
committing your crimes"
"WelI, Judge, you didn't expect mi
to allow my own honest name to b.
mentioned in connection with such vii
lanies and dragged through the mire.
Teas SVtingS.
RAISING THE FUND.
New Yorker-"Oh, yes, we are get
ting along rapidly with the Grant fund
We've already raised over $61O, OOO."
$50 much3 l thought it was only
little more than $110, 000."
"Well, you see, we raised $500, OO'
by reducing the cost of the monumen
from 81, 900, 900 to $500, 000."
'Do you think you will eventual
raise enough to build the monument2
"Of couIse We will. Well raise
if we have to reduce tho monument t
a $11O, 900 one. y Chicago Herald.
HE WAS DETERMINED.
"That was a dirty mean trick Hol
man served you, Parsons"
'I should say so. Means no nam
for it. l was never so mad in my life.
'Well, are you OFF, Not mad at me
are you2 Where are you going?"
''Going home to have revenge"
"And how, there, prayf'
"Why, by jawing my wife. Ken
tatcky State Journal.
THAT VEST.
Mrs. Jacksing. 'Dook heah, Martha
what yer cut dat piece outen yo' daddy
vest f0r?"
Martha. '1 jes wanted a little piec
fer my crazy quilt"
Mrs. Jacksing. "Crazy quilt, hay
Well, you wait till yer daddy see HI
Sunday vest, den youA see sumtin Graz
what won't be no quilt"