Little Falls transcript. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1876-1894, 1886-12-03
The Crank Of CraTks...

''of oil cranks,' said 2 Patent solici-
tor Rees the patent crank is the
worst, he is incurable. "A quiet, staid
man, probably q hard working farm
er, will 60 soberly along until some
day he will discover some pressing ne
cessity. Then he goes to work and
evolves something wild, visionary and
impracticable; he works on the model
in fear and trembling lest it should be
seen, regards his neighbors with suspi-
cion, grows nervous and never sleeps
until it is finished. Then OF he ruslies
to 8 patent Office to secure the benefit
Of his unparalleled invention. After
he once secures a patent, he is incura-
BILE, gets out patents on every possible
subject, and finally ruins himselfwith-
out ever getting q cent for his trouble.
More curious people come for patents
than can be imagined. One day an old
farmer came into the Office with O
large basket on his arm. He said,
Where is the patent man?' @<". =
II intimated that I was the individ-
ual. He looked at mo suspiciously for
a moment and said: Young man,
you look powerfully youthful for a
patent lawyer. Do you understand
the business!' / informed him OF my
many years experience. He then got
up, closed the door, let down the cur
tain over the window, and said: Il
have the most wonderful invention of
the nineteenth century, 1t will bring
down upon my head the blessings of
all the people in the United States
'Then he opened the basket, took
out a large roll OF calico, a pair of
shoes for his wife, a suit for his boy,
and there at the bottom of the basket
lay g. miniature churn. There it is,
young mani I said there seemed to
be no difference between it and any Or
binary churn and washer. Now,
young man, you know what difficulty
it is to secure g. good washer for clothes.
have tried them all-there must
by sixteen or seventeen different ma
chimes, amt there? Well, the cheap
est OF them is about $l4, and now by
g. simple invention OF mine, a person
is enabled to secure a. churn, and for
the slight sum of twenty-five cents
more, he can have a washer also.
will sell the seat $1O.25.' Let us see,
said. There are about 10000, 900
families in the United States, every fam
lily will want one OF your patents, and
probably want q new one every three
years, SO during the run of the patent
100000 of them will be sold. They
will probably cost you twenty FIVE
cents, and 80 you will gain in ten years
a clear profit of $500, 100000 Why,
you will be the richest man in the
world
1.-The old man began to grow exited,
his hands trembled and his eyes grew
larger. Let us see this wonderful IN
vention,' I said. He took it out and
showed an ordinary churn, with little
knobs on the bottom OF the dasher,
so that in cleaning clothes these little
knobs would rub against each other
and clean out the dirt. Yes I said,
that is the grandest invention in the
world. You had better take it to
some lawyer who has more experience
than I, because probably could not
do it Justice That's what l think
myself said the old farmer, and he
bundled it up and went out.
Then again had g. man come in
who had put a sliding panel in the
head Of a bed so that it was impos-
sible for the heads of the two sleepers
to touch. He said it would be of
great service to nurses, as they could
lie with q sick man and not catch the
disease from his breath. Also when a
man comes home drunk he could pull
out the panel and his wife would not
smell the liquor.
"In sending in an application for a
patent it is customary to describe the
evils proposed to BIZ remedied and
how the invention will obviate them.
Now, young man. he said, 4 want q
darn fine send-off for this patent.
Make it nice, l will not stand on mon
ey, only make something ine.' I tried
once and he did not like it; again, and
still it did not please him.
''Then got mad and began in this
wise, When it may happen that some
pestilential disease, some contagious
affection to which the human race is
heir, may come like an unexpected
thing, striking down in the prime of
life the noblest of our human kind in
sickness; and also since the days Of
the Grecian gods all mankind has in
dulged in the flowing bowl
"And on went, gushing for pages.
This pleased him very much, and he
sent it On to Washington. In g. few
days a letter came saying that the
preamble was too long and life too
short to be able to peruse it; and moro
than that, it would keep all the prin s
ers in Washington setting up patent
notices if many inventors sent such
descriptions.
chad q man who had discovered
perpetual motion and didn't know it.
There is considerable difficulty in run
ming a stamping mill in some parts of
the country from lack of fuel or water
power. This man came to me and
said he had figured that it took six.
man power to run one stamp. Now
said he, 4 have arranged rock shaft
and on the end a large pendulum, with
which, by having two men stand and
keep it vibrating, can generate SUI
icient force to run FIVE stamps
"Let us see,' Isaid. You can gen.
crate power enough to run five stamps.
Well, then, with only four stamps you
would have six-man's power left.
Now, you could fix some shafts and
utilize two-man's power to run the
pendulum, and then have four-man' S
power LETT
""tWhy, that is perpetual motionr
he said. 49,. -
Exactly so, | replied. .*s
,.:e I" Young man, you are fool!' he
returned and stalked out Of the OF.
fee" =5I%5 So 5E1@