The Abbeville messenger. (Abbeville, S.C.) 1884-1887, 1886-02-09
THE JOKERS' BUDGET.
A LITTLE HUMOROUS READING FOR
LEISURE HOURS.
Ills Hat On-Thc Dead Heads-The Col
onel's Happy Thought - New England
Boys-Hc wns Not Afraid - Dots and
Dnshes, ETC., Etc.

Dnshes, Etc, Etc.
THE COLONEL's p THOUGHT.
Col. Sumpter Mcbride, of Austin, has
been spending several weeks in New
York. a few days ago, being in necd
of some money, he applied to u Broad
way bank to cash Il draft.
"What is our name 2" asked the
paying teller.
Col. Sumptcr Mcbride, sir, Of Aus
tin, Travis county, Texas"
lyon will have to be identified,
Colonel"
This was something the Colonel had
not taken into consideration. He knew
Of nobody who could identify him, and
was o to leave the bank when O
happy thought occurred to him. He
reached into his breast pocket and
brought out u photograph of himself.
and holding it under the nose of the
bank official, said: "'Thcrc, sir; 1 guess
that settles it,
"Of course that's your photographs,
but how does that identify YOU %
We'll. sir, will you please tell me
how could have my photograph taken
if L wasn't myself ?'-1erus Sittinys.
NEW ENGLAND TwIGGS.
a Maiden schoolmistrcss thinks that
some of her pupils compositions are
funnicr than anything Of Mark Twain's.
From an essay on 'Fashion," written
by II boy Of IL, She cites the following {:
"Scnsiblc people wear sensible fash
ions, and inscnsib!e people inscnsible
fashirns.'
Another hopeful of hers, writing on
the subject, "a Rainy Afternoon"
evolved from an inner consciousness
deeper than that of Josh Billings, the
following sentence
1T raincd hard, and I could not go
owdoors, and so l went out in the shed
and sod some wood"
In a little straw frame on her mantle
is n sentence from the pen of her young.
est and brightest, giving in answer to
the request "Write, in twenty words,
4 definition Of Man." 1t reads thus
''AIan is an animal that stands ND; ne
is not very big. and he has to work for
IL living. "--Bostom Record.
A PLACE 0 EVERYTHING.
An Eastern man in Dakota said to a
citizen:
'ls this Mr.. Bulge %
ut is said the citizen, suspiciously.
Tho Eastern maj put his hand IN his
pocket, and Immediately the cold muz-
Zlc of a revolver was pressed against his
nose. o..
None of that !" shouted Mr.. Bulge.
Throw up your hands! I've go, the
bulge on youw
Il w-w-was only a-going to offer y
you my b-b-buSiness card" said the
frightened stranger; ''I'm from Bos-
tom
"Then 1 beg your pardon" apollo
glZed MIR. Bulge, lowering his pistol
'but when you arc in Dakota, stranger,
you should never carry cards In you1
hip pocket."--M. Y. Times.
A NODES WISH.
Kosciusko Murphy congratulated
Miss Esmeralda Longcofin on the occa-
sion of her recent birthday.
Miss Esmeralda, I wish you every
thing that goes to make life happy. ]
var you to have half a million dollars.
a villa, fast horses and carriages, and
a"
"Stop now. You have already given
me more than enough. Hadn't you bet
ter wish something for yourself ~ said
Esmeralda.
"Iou shouldn't interrupt me. was
going to say that l wished YOU to have
all those t~hings.-and me in the bar
galn."--7e rus Syitings.
AN INEXHAUsTIBLE SUPPL
A Lincoln CONNER ial traveller, who
was glancing over a paper in the Omaha
train yesterday, threw it down impa-
tientlY with the remark: "ThatS moth
ing; I don't see why any fuss is made
about it,"
"What is it Z" asked a man near
Kim.
sob, l see a statement that Prof.
Riley has donated %, 900 bugs to the
Government Museum. The hotel
stopped in at Omaha last night can
double that and never miss a bug."-
Lincoln Journal.
POWER OF THE PRESS.
eyes," said a country editor, as he
impaled a croton bug on tho point of
his shears. 1.-THE power of the press is
something wonderful. It can make and
unmakc men. rctard or advance the
growth Of civilization, open new fields
for scientific research, and disclose the
hidden mysteries of the universe; 1t
can"
"Plcsse, SIR" interrupted the Office
boy, opening the door, ''Mr. Hayseed
your house, an he wants credit aor 'em
ON accounts"
EXPERT ADvIc