The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1886-09-22
TO be C@ltinued.l
A Certificate Wanted.

| just do like TO run across an En-
glishman who is fresh to this country
and determined to combat American
ideas. He is a good deal better COM
pany than an American would be in
Europe. Such chap rode with MS from
Vicksburg over to jackson.
Excuse me, We know" he began as
the conductor came along. "but I'd like
a compartment to myself.
There was no place to put him ex-
cept in the baggage car, and when this
was ascertained he replied:
"Ah, well, I'm no bloUmin' chump,
We know? Is this a hair line rail-
road?''
"Never heard that it was. said the
conductor
.'Then why didn't they direct me to
the b air Hne2 What's the use We
know. in fellow creeping and twist
ing all over the country to fetch up at
some place which is on a IA air line?"
We had no sooner quieted him down
on that than he began TO find fault with
the scenery along the road.
Its devilish awkward We know, to
be gazing at nothing but a pine forest. p"
he broke ont. IF there are no noun
tains cliffs, valleys or pretty villages.
why not 90 to work and provide then2
They can't expect a fellow to put up
with such as this and 90 over the route
another time
We rubbed him down gently and had
restored his good nature when we side
tracked for ten minutes for the other
train to pass.
I'm no bioomin' chump, We know"
he began at the end of two minutes.
''but certainly protest against this de-
lay. If there IS only one track who is
to blame for il? Is my valuable time
to be taken up IN waiting here because
the other train IS not on time? In the
first place there is no hair line; tnen
there are no compartments; then we
must switch off and submit to delays
Gents, observe that / protest
We patted him on the back and lull-
ed the storm. but it broke out again as
soon as we reached Jackson. He
didn't like the situation of the hotel nor
any of the rooms in it, nor the way the
| porter talked back at him, andshe flung
himself into a chair and exclaimed:
I'm no bloomin' chump, ye know,
but can't go this-really | can't
While he had been fussing around we
| had put up little job on him. and now
| informed him that there was a carriage
at the door to drive him to fine hotel
| in the suburbs-a place we had not
4 time to visit
That's jolly. and | won't forget the
| favor, We know" he said as he tossed
/ his bags into the hack and drove on.
| The driver was ordered to take him
out to the Insane Asylum. and the order
was faithfully carried out
I'm a bloomin' chump if it isn't a
fine building, though 1 can't say much
for the scenery said the man as they
drove up.
He alighted with all his baggage and
| entered the superintendent Office In
about an hour he returned to the hotel,
and bursting into the office where we
sat smoking he hotly announced:
First there is no hair line: then no
compartments; then no scenery; then
no double track; then / arrive at the
tavern to find it only third-rate club
house; then I'm sent knocking about to
a suburban hotel. and when reach it
what does the bald-headed old cock-a-
| doodle of a landlord inform mel Why,
gents. that I've got to have a certificate
of INSANITY to be admitted. I'm q
bloomin' chunlp if your blarsted coun-
try isn't enough to drive one wildr'-
M Quad. ia Detroit Free Press