The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1886-04-22
HUMOR.

WOMEN SELDOM comPiaih Va 'hOh
mothers -in-law. They know how 1t Is
themselves.
NEVER borrow trouble. The interest
you have to pay for the accommodation
is excessive.
THE man who assumes that he can
rule the universe can generally be found
illustrating his powers at free-luneh
counter. -Mauerick.
THE higher one gets the more con-
ceited he becomes. Even the tops OF
church steeples are vane; but whether
this is subject to change we do not
aspire to point out. -Calgorn1a Mare
rick
AT the Antquary's: Collector of
curios-"Have you any genuine Roman
falchions?" Dealer (off his guard"
am sorry, but they're all being rusted
and won't be ready until next week"
"MAN proposes says the proverb;
but Miss Lucinda Tripleton complains
that he don't do anything of the kind.
The nearest he comes to it is to look
morose and say things that would look
mighty fiat in print. Chicago Ledger.
Do YOU z it?
At the best English schools, it IS said.
They teach boys that lizard spells zed;
| And So suppose
! That every one knows
Blizzard 8 bled
-Bltrdette.
AT the Fanciers' Show: "Have you
seen Fitzsimpkins' dawg?" Nav.
Has Fitzsimpkins got dawg?" "Yaas.
A big, hairy dawg." What does he
want with dawg?" "Why, what does
any fellow want with dawg?" "Pm
shuah don't knaw. Do you?" "Naw."
The question is tabled.-NelC York
TolO11 Topics.
ScoTCH minister was once preach
ing to quite a small congregation, when
he observed they were all asleep but
one man, and he was partial idiot.
The minister remarked: 1T is too bad
that all of my congregation are asleep,
except poor sinner like you, Sammy.
Eyes" said Sammy, "and L would be
asleep, too, if | was not fool"
NEVER do anything hastily. A man
in Atlanta, GA, after the prohibition
triumph in that city, sent clear to New
ark, n. j., and paid $50 for mad dog
before learning that whisky is not used
as an antidote i'll hydrophobia. He
might have sent to Texas and got a
snake for ten cents that would have
been of some account to him.-BrOOk-
lU0 Eagle.
ANDREW HARMON was a well-known
Maine soldier. He fought as well as
he could and came out of the service
broken down, and is now pensioner.
He came to the postofce one day with
an ordinary letter covered with six or
eight postage-stamps. "Why, An
drewl" exclaimed the Postmaster, "you
don't need all these stamps. One is
enough" "You mind your business"
said Andrew The Government has
used me well and I'm going to use the
Government well. "-LelCiSto71 Jour
nal
ONCE upon a time certain man got
mad at the editor and stopped his
paper. The next week he sold his
corn four cents below market price.
Then his property was sold for taxes
because he did not read the Sheriff 8
sales. He was arrested and fined SIS
for going hunting Sunday He then
paid big Irishman to kick him all the
way to the ewspaper Office. where he
paid for four years. subscription in adj
vance, and made the editor sign an
agreement to. knock him down and rob
him if he ever ordered his paper
stopped again. Such is life without
newspaper. Ter Reporter.
EPITAPHs.
ION pugllistJ
| In his last round this noted pugilist
Received blow that quickly stopped hls
breath;
No wonder. for his grim antagonist
| Was Death.
On a DYER
very worthy man lies here,
His cares and troubles past,
He dyed for others many n year
And died himself al last.
ION an angler
He's gone the way OF small and great,
And rests secure here from LIES storms;
He often dug up worms for bait
Now he is bait for worms
On n hcrse-car conductor1
Ofmisery he had his share,
II life of worry;
! Death came a,ong, took up his fare,
| And passed him on to glory.
ION termagant
| OF bitter tongue and count ance severe
Mother woman earth well could spare;
! II, where she's gone, she talks as sho did here
She'll surely make things mighty lively there.
On n trombone player
| The turf Is heaped upon his breast,
| He ceased his labOrs;
He plays no longer, he's az rest,
So are tho neghbors.
Boston Courier
THERE is nothing so rare as to find
humor in on official dispatch; and when
found, as Captain Cutie says, we
should make note of it. A high
official has lately died in one of our
colonies; and his deputy inexperienced,
as l suppose, in the literature OF his
calling, has forwarded to the home
Government an account of the funeral
of the deceased. "He was beloved by
all: all classes We'd in doing honor to
his memory; and 1 am sure, under
happier cir umstances, nothing would
have given him more pleasure than to
behold such universal regret" Where
does this gentleman imagine his former
superior to be?-JdmeS Pavp, in hide
pendent.
Eels in ireland.
One of the industries along the Shan
non River, in Ireland, is the capture
and cultivation of cells. The taking of
10000 in a single night sometimes oc-
! Cured years ago; but the present pro-