davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
Short Sermons.

De longer / lib on top dis airth do
harder | am convinced dat de man who
profits by your advice gibs you no
credit fur it, while de one who loses by
it am your enemy. L has reached dat
pass In my private life whar', III case
naybur steps in to ak my opinyun
about de weather fur de mex twenty
four hours, dodge de inquiry an turn
de conversashun to hard cider as soon
as possible. If l predict rain an hit
it, dar' NAV be too much fur his beans
or not 'nuff fur his taters, an he am
sartin to lay it up agin me. If 1 pre-
dict rain an it doan' come, he loses con-
fidence in my judgment an holds me in
contempt.
Fur de las twenty vars L hev been
seekin' de happy medium, an dats de
chief cause OF my bein' hump-backed
an bow-legged, an liver all upset. l
doan want to be so good dat pusson
dares to come an steal my hens in de
daytime, feelin dat I'll forgive him, an
de nayburs will dare to come in an
borry soft soap, KNOWN dat like to
lend. In tryin' to strike de happy me-
dunn my hens hev all died OF de pip
an none OF de borryed soap has bin re-
turned.
/ want to treat all my nayburs alike,
but when Johnson comes in an abuses
Smith, an Smith comes in an abuses
Johnson, de happy medium which l
search aroun' fur makes enemies or
boat, bekase | doan' agree with either.
If l pray so loud dat my bazoo floats
out on de night air to de ears of de nay
burhood, somebody remarks dat wind
power religion may be all right to
trade mules by, but it doan reach de
gates of heaben. If 1 pray in sich a
low voice dat nobody h'ars it, remarks
are made to de effeck dat has cooled
off good deal since payin' dat bill fur
three months pew rent.
My left-hand naybur has chill'en who
am de terror of kaintuck. lie comes
ober to me in de gloamin' an axes what
should be done. lie happy medium
would be to buy mad dog an turn
him loose in de back yard, but de sug-
gestion makes de man my enemy.
My right-hand naybur has chillen
who am so good dat dey lay down an
let derselves he robbed an pounded.
He wakes me ~ in de mawnin to ak
my advice, an when tell him to pack
dem off to an idiot asylum he doan'
speak to me agin fur six months.
De medium which we should. strive
fur may be divided up as follows:
/. Be deaf in nayburhood quarrels.
2. Be dumb as to mems faults onless
you am in de witness box.
g. / silent when you can't praise.
4. If you advise at all, agree with de
ideas of de pussons askin' it.
8. A blind man am nebber brought
into court ur a witness.
6. Wisdom am not in knowing such
a powerful sight, but in keepin' shet
on what you doan know.-Detroit Free
Press.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
Getting n Drink.

II was in Dakota myself" remarked
a passenger, "and l saw how easily
some of these tramps make living,
for l suppose they call it living when
they get drink of whisky and some
thing to eat thrown in. The tramps
were thick and had been for some time.
They would hang around a small town
and bother the people almost to death.
1t is really dangerous to have so many
of these vagabonds about. But they
won't work, they tell me, and the re-
suit is that it is pretty diffic 1T 10 get
rid of them.
"Up In q Ii tie town-the name can't
recall-I happened to be waiting from
one train until another. There was
nothing to do, so / went into saloon
to get some beer. While there drink
ing three of these tramps came in and
odered three drinks of whisky.
Have you got any stuffY said the
saloon keeper.
Course replied one of the thirsty
trio, ives playing the "crow" act,
we is
Where p asked the man behind the
bar.
"The spokesman named the farm at
which he was employed, showed an
order, and the three men got their
drinks and departed. When they went
out l asked what was meant by the
Grow act,' when he told me that some
of the farmers got the tramps to take
the part of the scarecrow in the wheat
fields and keep the birds away. The
tramps took turns, he said. in standing
up on q platform high above the wheat
and occasionally throwing a rock at a
flock of birds. As there was no work
about it the tramps took it. 1t paid
them very little, usually two or three
drinks and bite to eat, but even this
they considered living, as long as they
did not have to work for it."-St. Paul
GIObo
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

and though o week since il would have
almost broken my heart to have met with
any delay In my studies, yet now think
can wait q year longer before going TO
college; and by studying evenings / will
not lose anything now know"
"But ir the war should not be ended in q
year-if il should last till YOU are too old
to go to college-or il these men should
never come back--should be killed-then
you would have their families to provide
for all their lives. Would you not then
regret what you had done?"
The boys lace grew very pale. He sat
silent awhile; the large tears came in his
eyes and splashed down, but he soon
brushed them away and looked up with an
lntroubled face, saying:
"You know, father, that many of our
most eminent men never went through col
lege; so if live promise you that your
heart shall vet grow warm with love and
pride for me-"
He did not know, as his father rose and
turned to his desk, that his heart was al
ready throbbing with love and pride for his
son; but he heard the culver in his voice as
Mr.. O. replied:
II honor your sentiment, my son, but can
not give you my answer till tomorrow
morning. In the meantime do not mention
the subject TO any one. And now l must
excuse you, Albert, for l have something
else to to do"
So Albert hastened home to his own
room, where he was soon immersed IN
bookkeeping, that he might be sure of his
proficiency in case his father might accept
his offer.
That night Mr.. o. consulted his wife,
and in the morning told Albert he might do
as he wished.
Charley b. and William II. were very
much surprised to hear Alberts PROPOSE
ton; but when they found he was in earn
est, and his father approved his plan, they
enlisted and went, leaving their dear ones
in his care.
And we'll did he redeem his promises.
Good old widow b. grew to love him as her
son; and many prayer went up from her
heart for Albert.
He watched over the little children, too.
in loving. brotherly way, going to see
them often, and fr quently sending them
little gifts from brother Albert" when he
could not go. Then they and their maiden
aunt Emily were invited to his fathers
house every Sunday TO dinner and tea.
The four dollars week which he gave
aunt Emily, and the tGree dollars which he
gave Mrs. B., still left him money enough
to help many other soldiers families, and
AlDert IulIN TeullLeu lue lIuIl, IL 10 LhoIo
blessed to give than to receive.
The year was not quite gone when
Charley B. came home with one leg, and
soon the news came of William H., killed
on the field of battle" Then Mr.. o. pro-
vidad for the two children, leaving them
still in the care of their dear aunt Emily;
and when Albert had instructed Charley B.
in the mysteries of book keeping Mr.. o.
took him into his employ and sent Albert
TO college,
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

A MELoDRAMATIC, as we'll as scien-
tifc, picture of the inconvenience TO
the living arising from the presence of
the dead is drawn by DR.. Eklund, of
Stockholm. To remedy the evils re-
sulting from delay in burials and sub
sequent decomposition, the doctor pro-
poses to render some simple process of
embalmment compulsory, and suggests
the creation of a corps of embalmers
for tn purpose. This plan rather
runs counter to modern views on the
sub ect of burial, which tend to favor
methods allowing of rapid disintegra-
tion, and is, besides, far inferior to
cremation both from a financial and
q practical point of view. Notwith-
standing all that may be urged-and
urged truly-against the practice Of
inhumation, it is a matter wherein
prejudice, custom, and q dislike of
innovation will long hold scientific
arguments and methods in check, to
the greater or less detriment of public
health
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
couRr1No OF TAM AND CLARI.

miss Clari- Net" said Tam-Bourine.
A cittern by her side,
I've courted euphone nigh sixteen
Long years to guitar bride.
-Per-harpsichord-e you too slow
And In humdrum way
Or, maybe. you prefer oboe.
Than husband to obey.
IF viol-as my love must cheat.
II violone must die,
You are the calliops to meet
Up yonder in the sky"
.Oh. FiddHesticks I" the maiden cried,
-You spin il out forever;
II you 'ro q harping for bride,
You'll pop tune-night-horn never.
He flute TO kiss the maiden coy,
Who blushing, cried solo;
~Dontl Stopi 'ris wrong TO kiss hautboy
Till he's my hus-banio."
I've waited sixteen long years, he cried,
"And cornet wait longer"
"Oh, dear" the cymbal maid replied,
"Ill shut my eyes-you're stronger.
whistle little ono no took,
But one did not restore
The maiden's sight. To make her look
Organ he took fife more.
Callahan CoardTt.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
Sweet Sayings.

"Oh!"
"Bahl"
"Nicep
"Meannessl" !"
"Too good!"
"She flirts !"
"Sour grapes"
"Old tomboyp
"Mean old thingl"
"A regular liar!"
"He makes me sick J"
"He drinks on the sly"
"He's Grabbed old til ;ngp
"She thinks she's somebody
"He never could take q jokel"
"He never draws a sober BREATH
"He's as poor as a church mousew
@Hes mortgaged for all he's worth 7"
"She doesn't look decent in any
thingl"
"He ought to be tarred and feath-
eredr"
"She married him just for his
money!"
Hes tighter than the bark on birch
tree!"
"She runs with everybody that comes
alongp
He don't know beans when the bags
united" !"
"They won't live together for six
months, l know"
II wouldn't trust him as soon as /
would dog!"
IL wouldn't have him doctor an old
sick dog for mel"
"If you want everybody to know it,
just tell it to her!"
He ought to be ridden on a rail and
taught good lesson!"
The above and hundreds of similar
express ons can be heard any day on
the streets, in the parlors, in the stores,
and in the homes. A liberal reward is
offered to any one who will prepare a
similar list of good expressions about
people in as common use.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
Wanted TO BE Licked.

"Jess.sl"
"Yes'm."
"Don't you go out of the house while
Tn gone"
"Oh, ma, want to roll my hoop
with the other girls"
you've heard what I've said. Don't
you dare to disobey me, or I'll whip
you when / come back"
"Oh, ma"-a pause--"please give me
the licking now, and lot me go and roll
thu hoop - Chicago Ledger.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

PROF. RICHARD A. PRocToR main
tains that most of the meteor streams
with which the earth comes in contact
are derived from the earth itself-that
is, thrown off by vol anic action at a
time when the internal forces of our
planet were sufficiently active to give
them the initial velocity re uisite to
carry them beyond the earth's attrac-
tion-some twelve miles a second.
Comets, which he regards as the par
ents of meteor streams, he thinks may
have originated outside our solar sys-
tenn. Most of the comets whose orbits
belong to our system he thinks origi-
mated in the larger planets. The sun
is now perhaps giving birth frequently
to comets, which probably pass beyond
the limits of its attraction.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

To MAKE sardine sandwiches, wash
the oil from q dozen sardines, wipe
them dry, take out the backbones and
scrape with knife and fork to paste /;
season with pepper and lemon juice,
and lay between buttered slices Of
bread.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04
Hadn't Eaten ANYTHING.

A negro, in great pain, sent for
phys clan. The doctor, upon arriving,
asked:
"Have you been eating anything cal
culated to hurt you?"
"Oh, no, sah not er tall.
Any fruit?"
mo, sab, not er tall"
We'll, tell me what you did yester-
day ?"
wall. sab, yistidy mornin' I went
down ter mer daughter 'Tildy's house.
She want at home, an 1 sot down ter
wait fur her. VIII lie lookin' er roun'
seed er big watermelon in er tub o.
water, an tuck it out an eat it. Den,
ez Tidy d dn't come L went ober ter
Unk Alb Moore's house. Da wuz eat
watermelon an l lined in. Arter dis,
went down ter de cotton w'or house.
Foun' er ha'f er watermelon on er box,
an ez it 'peered ter be sufferin' l eat it.
1 come home bout dis time, but ez L
didn't hab no appetite fur dinner
went out an got me er watermelon.
Erbout er hour arter | went ober
ter Unk Bill Gray's an hep EN- eat
some watermelon. OATS erbout all.
No, sab, didn't eat nuthin' ter hurt me,
lessen it wuz er couple er mush milons
dat L eat las night Hole on er mint.
Lemme see. Oh, yas, did eat erbout
er do en- years o. billed con an erbout
er hafer peck o peaches. ."-ArkanSdlc
TTdpeler.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

SOME skilled naturalist may be able
to explain how little inch-and-a-half Ii
canary bird can molt full half
bushel of feathers all over the dining
room carpet every morning, but we
confess it beats us.
The true northerner., 1886-11-04

A COMPOSING stick-A schoolmaster's
rattan.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
The Angel and The Brute,

She was a young woman in Wash
ingt0n for the season. and was very
fond of narrating her conquests and
speaking of her powers over men.
He was bachelor with heart
of stone and Il cheek of cast IRON.
They were talking Of love and
matrImony and coguate subjects.
"l've been engaged six weeks,
Mr.. X.," she said, with refreshing
candor in view OF the fact that the
announcement had appeared in the
society news the next day after the
proposal.
"Ah? ~ he said, with a rosebud
smile wreathcd around an intcrro-
CATION point. "TIow charming
"Delightful, Mr.. ~" she contin'
ued, radlantly. ale was an Old
friend of our family, and he was so
persistent. How long doyou think
| kept the poor, dear fellow waiting
for his answer y and she glggled a
real swell giggle. .,
"Un-um,' be cOgitated, as II
calculating an equation of time be-
tween sun dial and Waterbury
watch. "Um-welI, | should say
about minute and a half; posi-
bly, two minutes"
There was an abrupt termination
to the conversation, and the brute
was left alone in the alcove where
they had been talking Wdsh'ng'
tom critic.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
Blind Tom Of UnSOuld Mind.

Blind Tom, the wonderful music
al darkey who has frequently de
lighted shenandoah county audi
ences. has finally been adludged
insane by a sheril's jury in New
York. His mother, Mrs. Charity
Virgins, made application TOR a
commission to discover his mental
condition. She testified that il
Tom "heard n chicken or a rooster
crow he would make the same kind
of a noise. If he heard a dog bark
he would do the same. If he heard
a bird sing he would go for the
noise. and we had to watch him
NIGHTS All this when he was two
years Old.
lie began to play when a little
over two years old and was given
instruction in music by Prof. Poz
nunki for nine years. The Profes
sor testified that he would play a
piece on the piano aud Tom would
get up. walk around, stand on one
foot, then on the other, pull his
hair and knock his head against
the wall. Then he would play the
piece as the Professor had play
ed it. His mother also sues Gen
eral Bethune, his manager, for al
accounting of the money made by
Tom in the past twenty.three years
II is estimated that 325,OOO were
cleared each year by his manager
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
Broken Dishes al Hotels.

Hotel managers here say that
the fracture Of dishes-china, glass
and earthenware-is a more serious
item of expense than any outsider
would suppose. Although they
make it a rule, for their own pro-
lection, to charge broken dishes to
the servants when they are plainly
careless, the rule does not relieve
the hotels from serious loss every
year. The greatest amount OF
breakage is IN handling and wash
ing dishes may not be actually
broken at first, but they are con-
stantly nicked and cracked, and,
after that, soon 90 to pieces. Large
houses, like the Fifth Avenue and
the Windsor sustain q loss of fully
10000 annually in this way, in
dependent of what the servants
pay for. Managers say that it
would be 30 per cent. greater eX-
ceDt for the system Of fines i'm
posed on the domestics, who are
made by it less needless. Any
householder may judge from the
destruction OF dishes IN his own
kitchen what it must be in a great
hOtel.-Neio York Com. ADVERTISER
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
A New Queens Necklace.

Now word abont the celebrated
nearl necklace Of the Queen OF
Italy. saws letter from Rome. 1t
is a well known fact that she wears
if continually, and even on oc-
casions of grand toilet she carries
if under a river of sparkling dia-
monds. The necklace has q his
tory: Five years ago the Prince OF
Naples, her son. heir apparent to
the throne of Italy. was stlolling
through a street in Venice when his
eve was attracted by the necklace
in the show window of a jewelers.
shop. The idea at once struck
him to buy it for his mother, the
Ouecn But the price was far
bcyond the capacity Of his pocket
money, and though destined to be
King Victor Emmanuel i'll, he
was compelled to ask the Jeweler
for credit. The bargain was that
tbe Prince should buy the necklace
nearl by pearl, according as he
conld save enough from his pocket
money. On leaving the jewelers.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
Secret Oithe Body SnaiGheTS' Trade.

"Whether those body snatchers
are punished by law or not" SAID
a doctor, "they ought to be heartily
kicked as blasted fools.'
"Why ?" asked a reporter.
son, the idea Of their packing a
stiii in hay-aud in warm weather
at that, Ofcourse the odor Won Id
give it away
"What would You pack it in =
"Apples."
"Apples."
eyes, apples. You seem sur
prised; but it is a fact that if Il
dead body IN a box is surrounded
by apples, the fruit absorbs all the
bad odOr.'
"That will be news to many peo-
pie
"Dare say. One time, remem-
Der, we brought subject into To-
ledo in barrel, all so nicely pack
ed in apples that if a head had been
taken out spectators would swear
there was nothing in it but Bald
wins, or ramboes, or whatever they
were. We got it up to the college
all right and after dark the stiff
was lifted up the elevator into the
dissecting room, leaving the barrel
and the apples in the alley. Next
morning some Polish women came
along, found the apples, and carri-
ed away every blamed one of 'em.
I'll bet they never had such u treat
since they lived in Toledo
GLOW did the frlit agree with
them p
81 never ascertained."-Toicdo
BlQdc.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
he KEPT SELLING THE DARKEY.

"There were many ways to make
money in the old time that can't be
worked now" said Col. Bill, as he
sat in the corridor of the Grand
hotel. Cincinnati, yesterday after
noon talking to a friend. "Back
in 1874 | was steward of the Gold
en- Age-as good a craft as ever
sailed between here and Orleans
One day colored man with a good
deal of white blood in his veins
came to me and said: Say, massa,
you want to make some money 2
"'Yes, l do / answered.
"'WelI, yon can take Inc down
to Orleans and sell me tor 81 l,lOO.
rse a likely niger, and worth dat
"'But do you want to 90 into
slavery 2
"NOt much. You sell me. l can
escape; come back; we divide the
money. Then yen can sell me
again
sit was rot without some mis-
gi, ings that accepted the novel
proposition, but | took him along
with me, and as soon as the Golden
Age reached Orleans | led him TO
the slave market. The auctioneers
dressed him up in Il new suit, put
a smart cap Oh his head and the
sale commenced. He was a likely
Niger, sure enough, and sold for
81, 400. | got 81 900 in cash and a
mortgage for 800. Well, | came
back to Cincinnati, and in about
three weeks back came the co0n.-
Next trip | sold him at Natchez ioI
$1,000. 1t was against the law to
sell the same nlgger twice alter ne
had escaped, but every three OIL
four weeks Id have that coon on
my hands again. ] sold him at
Baton Rouge, Vicksburg, Memphis
and at every port on the river.
"At last | traded him of for d
terrible looking niger and got
$500 to boot. Then | sold the mig
ger | had traded for for a right
smart sum. This time Fields-thal
was his name did not turn up fol
six months, and | thought he was
done for, sure; but he came round
one day and VIC divided up. Their
the mortgages came due, and col
lected them, every buyer sayln' the
coon had escaped. Well it's the
honest truth, ! sold that nlSgel
fourteen times. Then came the tel
egraph and we had to stop it, but
you can't imagine how much money
we coined. These days are not ike
the old ones Tor making money
| Ner York SIN.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
The Writing Oi Novels.

Speaking generally, should sup
pose tina the best novels are apt
to be those that have been longest
in the novalist's mind before being
committed to paper aud the best
materials to use, IN the way OF
character or scenery, are those that
were studied not less than seven
or eight wears previous to their re-
production. Thereby is attained
that quality in a story known as
atmosphere or tone, perhaps the
most valuable and telling quality
ofal. Occasionally, however, IN
the rare case Of story that sudden
. ly seizes upon the writer's imagina-
ton and despotically possesses
him, the atmosphere is created by
the very strength Of the "posses-
SION I'm the former instance the
writer is thoroughly master Of his
subject; in the latter, the subject
thoroughly masters him; and both
amount essentially to the same
thing, harmony between subject
and writer.
with respect to style, there Is
| little to be said. Without Il good
STYLE no writer cau do much; but 1t
is impossible really to creates a good
style. 4 writer's style was born
at the same time and under the
same conditions that he himself
was. The only rule that can be
given him is to say what he has TO
say in the clearest and most direct
way. using the most fitting and eX-
pressive words. But often, of course,
this advice is like that Of the doc
tor who counsels his patient to
free his mind from all care and wor-
ry, to live luxuriously on the lat
of the land, and to make a voyage
round the world in a private yacht
The patient has not the means oi
following the prescription. a writer
may improve native talent ior
style, but talent itself he must eth
er have by nature or forever go
without. And the style that rises
to the height OF genius is like the
ph~nix there is hardly ever more
than one example of it in All age
.Julian HarthorRc in the CoSmopoh'
tdR.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-12-10
ReSiIeSSneSS That Ruins Homes.

From the Hartford Times.
Thousands Of farmers every year
leave pleasant homes in the older
settled states and maze long and
tedious pilgrimages to newer states
and territories, not driven to 1t 10y
necessity, but by chronic restless
ness-an idea that it is poss bic
somewhere else to get on little
faster in the world. In nine cases
out of ten the man would he really
better of to stay where he Is, but
he is never satisfied until he has
at least one or two decided chang
es. Homes are destroyed IN the
most ruthless manner in pursuit OF
this phantom Of bettering ones sell
homes which can never really be
restored to the family, Tor home Is
something more than the roo
which shelters rs. The assocla
tions of childhood, the friends o
early graves upon the hillside art
these nothingf 1t will take more
years than the most of MS can aflorC
to give to build u new home anC
get into it the feeling with whlcl
we regard our present one, be /
ever 80 humble.