Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1886-01-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

-Ae20 YORK. Journal.
Holland is increasing its number of
Wind-mills by two per day. 1t will be
great place if the wind holds out
Aea0 Orleans Fcayuae.
Holland has 10000 windmills. Du-
ring a presidential campaign America
can see Holland and SO her about
10000 windmills better.
We don know why the god of mar
ria@e is called Hymen, Julia, unless it
Is because the groom is generally a
very short man after his marriage.
Dramatic views: Your son is an
actor, you say. Mr.. Maginnis?" Faith
lie is Nv here does he act?' ..Down
the Bowery." And what roles does
he play?" Rolls, is it, Faith, he
rolls up the curtain. ''-Ramb'cr
why did YOU strike that boy, my
son2" asked a father. Cause he said
| stole his top And YOU struck him
to prove to him that You did not take
it, eh?'' mo, sir, cause did take it,
bat | can whip any boy that says so. -
drkanSaa0 Trureler.
A father-in-law at a wedding at
tempted to chaff the groom: Il hope
now, sir, that you will not get into any
more scrapes.' No said the new
son-in-law, Il shall not have chance;
shall never get out of this one. =
Providence Neus.
Terrified City Milkman (filling his
can at the pump)-s'Great Scott.
What's that? Mary bring the gun
quick, there's a wild beast in the ward"
Mary (who was once in the country
'.Nhy, you old fool, that's a cow'
I. c. Milkman-'.Y don't say So"
Puck.
Say, ma, seen niger pat seven
eggs in his mouth all at once" said
Johnny Quarle as he came in from his
supper. ''Humph, that's nothing; your
father put that butcher shop and
horse and wagon into his" tartly re-
piled Mrs. Quarle. Whisky was the
ruination of the old man.
There is a tendency to refine on
phrases that convey to the mindrepug-
nant ideas. Hence our friends don't
die; ''they have entered into rest" In
asmuch as the condition of the depart
ed is somewhat predetermined, how
would it be to substitute the following:
withdrawn from circulation. Dos
ton Post.
"How much did Mr.. Smith give YOU
at his weddin@?' asked a ministers
wife of her husband. Two dollars"
well. that's a very insignificant sum
for such a service" 1T does seem
small amount" he replied. but YOU
must remember that he has been mar
RED before. '-NeW York. Sua.
A mother in New York CITY whose
little son had fallen from the roof of
her dwelling and caught on a telegraph
wire, whence he was rescued by dar-
ing descent of another lad upon fire
escape, spanked her son and gave his
rescuer 10 cents. Whatever may be
said of the latter act, the former show
ed wisdom beyond that of the present
age.
A sharp trick was played upon a
Lambertyille citizen few days ago.
He gave tramp pair of old panta-
looms and was surprised shortly after
wards by chap returning and giving
him five dollar note, which he said he
had found in one OF the pockets. SO
pleased was the citizen with the tramp's
honesty that he presented him with a
silver dollar. but imagine his rage upon
discovering shortly afterwards that the
bill was counterfeit Trenton True
dHaGrlcan.
Two middle-aged women, who had
not seen each other for years, met the
other day in City-Hall Park. and en-.
braced effusively After they had re-
covered their breath one asked: Are
you married?' NOh, yes, and have
five children--my hqsband is brick
carrier in West Twenty-third street.
care YOU married9' .Yes. indeed"
'And your husband2" s.He is a brick
carrier. too '.Where does he carry?'
In his hat
a tramp applied to an Elizabeth. On.
j. woman for food one day last week,
and she scolded him SAYING: why
don't you come at a decent time-right
after dinner or breakfast-not in the
middle of the morning." He said: Il
hain't got no watch" in such piteous
manner, that she relented and went to
the kitchen to get him something.
Meanwhile her reproof sunk deep into
his heart, and, to guard against MAX
ing such a mistake in the future, he
walked into the parlor and carried Oft
the handsome mantel clock.
excuse me, madam said gentle
man politely to a lady from whose head
he had accidently pulled false switch
in a crowded car. 'Ive seen enough
of you to convince me that you are no
gentleman exclaimed the confused
woman "And l." returned the suave
man, handing back the lost switch,
shave seen enough of you to convince
me that you are no gentleman either"
''Pat, have you any prairies in Ire
land like we have in 1llinois?" Ito be
shure we have. Didn't yeZ liver hear of
Tipperary? Ionkers Statesman.
A little fellow was climbing an apple
tree, and when on the topmost limb, he
slipped and fell to the ground. He was
picked up in an insensible condition.
After watching by his bedside through
many weary hours his mother per-
ceived signs of returning consciousness.
Leaning over him she asked him if
there was anything she could do for
him now that he began to feel better.
Should she battle his forehead, or
change his pillow, or fan him? Was
there anything he wanted? Opening
his eyes languidly, and looking at her
the little sufferer said: Eyes, | want
pair of pants with a pocket behind. "
He got them.-M Y. Tribune.
Brother Gardner announced the fol-
lowing new legends to be hung on the
walls during the fall and winter term:
ga bigot am mo- to be feered dan a
fule'' '.You kin silence a man by
knockin' him down. but it takes argy-
ment to convince him." Human ma
tur' kin sometimes be depended upon
ober night, but it's the safest way to
take note of hand fur it. " ga mans
rating am not how much he kin run in
debt, but how nigh he kin squar' up
cherry Saturday night. Industry am
sartin to bring plenty, and economy
neber goes b'arfut in winter" BE