Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1886-08-19

We hear of peoples seeking by pub
lie advertisement for a suitable partner
in marriage, but who ever heard of any
ones advertising for friend? Yet
why notp Every one, it is likely, has
in mind some more or less vague ideal
of the absolutely perfect comrade. May
he not be supposed to exist somewhere,
and to be in the habit of reading a daily
newspaper or monthly magazine? Go
to! let us seek him, then, by appropriate
advertisement. Something in this wise
would it run? WANTED, q Friend! !
Tho undersigned, having existed in COM
parative solitude long enough to expert
ence pretty keen desire for some one
to whom to say, "How sweet is soli-
tude" and having as yet met no one
who exactly satisfies his idea, would beg
hereby to announce his need. The ap-
plicant must be rather old, in order to
be fitted to give advice-a limited
amount of it-wisely; and at the same
time rather young, in order to receive it
in liberal quantity and in a meek frame
of mind. He must be of medium height,
Intellectually, and in the enjoyment of
robust spiritual health. Awritten guar
antee must be given of freedom from
all contagious defects of character. He
must be a thoroughly disillusioned and
advanced person, and yet be able to
sympathize with any little illusions or
superstitions of the subscriber. His
heart must be full of love for men in the
abstract, but entirely devoid, as yet of
affection for any particular one of them.
He should, however, be able to exhibit
satisfactory scars of early love-affairs,
and a more or less scorched aspect of
spirit from some previous period Of a0elt-
schmerz. Thus he will be ready to shed
furtive tears at any pathetic fragments
of autobiography the subscriber may
mingle in his conversation. He will
also be expected to look unutterable
things when his own past in general is
alluded to, but never to mention any of
it in tiresome detail. His memory must
be enriched with portions of the sub
scriber's writings, which he will quote
on frequent occasions with happy
spontaneity; and he must hold the un-
biased opinion that his friend is the
greatest violin amateur, marine painter,
poet, polo player, and master of En-
glish prose style of our own or any other
time. He must be on similar intimate
terms with several other equally, or al
most equally, important personages,
whose private affairs he will communi-
cate, and whom he will backbite to the
subscriber in an entertaining manner.
The applicant must undertake that, when
they dine together at restaurants, he will
never order the viands, in return for
which concession he will from time to
time be permitted to pay the bill. In
walking on public streets, the applicant
will carry his face well turned round
and his ears pricked up toward the SUBJ
scriber, so as to hear him easily without
forcing him to deviate from the fixed
carriage of his own head, so necessary
to his conception of himself as master
full and positive character. The same
rule will be adhered to in conversing
together in the cars, especially when
the subscriber chooses to keep his own
face turned away toward the window,
and still to continue speaking in his
ordinary low and dignitied tone of
voice. The applicant must have in
herited or acquired a fondness for hear
ing manuscript read, and will never
commit the indiscretion of attempting
to read any of his own. For this and
other good reasons,-N. B.,-no person
of the literary class need apply. inlay
atlantic.