Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-08-26
WIT AND HUMOR.

III iasl urlVlng imam De lOlu that hi
i horse couldn't trot fast enough to breaI
n the statute -Burdette.
: smith, saw you CARRYING home
couple of nice-looking waterinelons las
night Brown. How much did the
cost youP" Brown-sI don't know vel
l The doctor is up at the house now. -
Life.
An English actor being one evenin,
IN the front of the house, and seeing
gentleman putting on his coat prepare
tory to leaving exclaimed: II bes
pardon, sir, but there is still anothe
act" (Which is precisely the reason,
replied the other. why I'm going"
Good advice indis creetly given. Brus
que old doctor CATER making an exam
!, ination) Well. sir, you have baC
case of heart-disease, AND are liable tC
drop dead any minut 2, and you mas
dcotd any kind of e1cit, nsett, sir, as you
would the cholera. - Harper's Bazaar
'Will you have an, other piece o.
steak, Charlie?" said h Is aunt, some.
what deaf II have had mfficient,n re.
Piled Young America. "B cen fishin?'
Il have had a plenty. Caught
twenty" You are an old fool. y
Broke your poleP" The / ad left the
table in despair Boston Jou ~taf. if
A society paper says: ut is now
re-. ~arded as the correct thing in bridal
partie.s for the bride and or DOM to
arrive an hour or SO late Aft, .r mar
riage the groom only will arrive an
hour or so late; but it will not th en- be
regarded as the correct thing by the
wife.-Noyristow Herald. ta
'.That look doth pain me, dear est
Our parting is but for one brief, day :"
Eyes, me heart would fain be conte at
but" "What then, fair one?" Il
fear me mothers wrath" THE cause;
angel of my existence. Me life is st
your call!' Your paper collars bust
ed, and mamma is SO suspicious
The Judge.
Saws the Burlington (Vt) FreeP ress:
1--WE find alderman in the dictionary,
but not DOODLE. How is this?" They
are still very gree n up IN the Green
Mountain State. |. m't our esteemed
contemporary aware that the presence
of the alderman" is S satisfactory reasol
for the absence of the b oodies D-lSosto7'
Transcript.
Mrs Flanahgan forme rly McfEanni-
gan)-"Isn't it at Venice, ny dear, that
we are to see the Lion OF St- Mark? ~
Mr.. Flanahgan-'1 believe il rs Mrs.
Flanahgan (who has somey yhere seen
the words Doge of Venice in prlnD--
''And we mustn't forget the ce tebrateef
Dog of Venice. The children WI want
to see all of the animals. "-Nea0 YORK.
Times.
Mrs Agassiz found one morning, in
one of her slippers, n cold. little slim v
snake, one of six sent the day before to
her scientific spouse, and carefully set
aside by him for safety under the bed.
She screamed There is a snake in
my slipper!' The savant leaped from
his couch, crying: "A snake! Good
heavens! where are the other five?"-
The Commonwealth.
Traveller Ito ticket agent)-Gimme a
ticket for New Brunswick Agent
The next train doesn't stop at New
Brunswick. 1t goes through that town
at fifty miles an hour. Traveler-That
suits me. I've umpired too many games
of ball between the New Yorks and
Chicagos to be afraid to get off a train
that's only jogging along at fifty miles
an hour
What pity it is that such pwetty
girl as Flawrence Fawstaw should have
such beastly bad taste, isn't it, old fell
lawp What is the mattaw with her
taste, deah boy?" why, she received
me when Il called yestawday in q wed
gown, with blue terriaw in haw lap.
Pawstively,. old fellaw, the contwast
nh I a
tawke" my gwaclous! no wondaw.n
~ I. Tom Topics.
Dr. Mary Walker. it is reported, has
just inherited S25.009. &c is hoped that
she will not squander all her money on
velvet striped etamine overskirts, pink
silk bodices, polonaises % la princesse,
passementerie embroidered vests, tichus,
plastrons, iabots. white chuddah things,
and other frivolities of feminine wear.
Our clothing merchants are advertising
'coats, pants. and vests for $42. Nor
ristoWn Herald.
A few days since y gentleman in q
smokng-car on the Central Hudson road
took from his satchel an evening suit
while searching for q magazine. A
verdant-looking individual IN the seat
behind him, upon seeing the ''claw-
hammer remarked: oval naow, l
declare, if there amt one o them old
fashioned coats that they used to wear
nigh onto forty years ago, and it looks
just like new stuff, tew. "-Rochester
Democrat.
Is might have been South Framing
ham man, possibly Natlck man, but
probably Marlborough man, who,
having accunulated fortune of $780,
600 by selling liquor, and who had fire.
quently boosted that he never drank n
drop himself on watching the funeral
of one of his victims pass his door, said
in u heartless way: That's the first
time he ever passed my place without
coming in to take drink. - NattcE
(MaSs.) Citizen.
Portly old gentleman Ito student in
lawyers otiice) us Counselor Black
stone in?' Law student-"He is at
present engaged in consultation, sir;
he will be at liberty in moment, if you
will wait" Portly old gentleman
(taking chair-.'Do you smoker"
Pulling n cigar from his vest pocket.)
Law student (rising eagerly Yes.
sir Portly old gcntleman-"Then
you won't object TO my lighting II
cigar. Life.
wherein goin' this vacation, pop?"
inquired Jimmy Turf boy OF his paternal.
"WcA, you are going to behave your
self to start with. That's a tough
one, pop Where then?" II guess if
/ you go to one picnic that win do YOU"
lone picBicI No picnics for me. I'm
going to tramp these woods round here
for six straight weeks. Who wants to
row a boatload . girls All over pond
an not have em speak to you on the
/ streets? p hartford IoSt.
/ They were two freshmen who had Just
emerged from the literary atmosphere
+ of Russell Library Hall. Very nice au-
+ diencc. Yes. and so literary, too"
VERY You are fond Of literature,
1 presume?" "Passionateiy So" You
/ like Shakespeare. then. dare say?'
..Ahl very muchs Do you?" '.Ex-
iremely; and like Pope, too. so do
i ]. very much indeed" He's grand;
and Iii tell You another good writer"
.'Who?" Milton. - albany -frgas.
Did you ever hear how old John
Knight said his father came to Georgia."
remarked an Atlanta Judge. ''Old John
said that his father lived in the back
woo,is OF North Carolina, and the first
two-llorsc wagon he ever saw he took
after il. He occame so absorbed in the
> ..,soSttr,, ~ how fur / tvotal1 rt,,, baforo