The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-09-03


is the matter, old man?' What ex-
PLANTATION did Mr.. Jones make?
Pupils Gin chorus)-He said that he
had got married.
Teacher-Excellent. Now again: A
gentleman, richly attired and with a
diamond on his shirt-bosom as big as a
headlight, went into cigar store and
called for forty-cent cigar. After
calmly lighting it with hundred-dol-
lar bill which he took from his vest
pocket. he stepped into his carriage at
the door, and was driven rapidly up
Fifth avenue. What business was this
gentleman in. whose profits permitted
him to waste money in this extraordi-
nary wayp
Pupils Tin chorus)-He was q base
ball umpire.
Teacher-NO.
Pupils Tin chorus)-Proprietor of q
rOller-skating rink?
Teacher-NO.
Pupils Tin chorus)-Editor?
Teacher-Not quite.
Small Pupil (triumphantly) -
Plumber.
Teacher-Corrcct, Johnny. You are
destined to become great humOrist.
Should humorist be spelled with capi-
tai or small Ii?
Pupils with tremendous emphasize
Capital H!
Teacher-That is right. Again, chill
dren. young man and a young lady
were passing certain place of bust
ness, when the young lady began fam
ming herself and complained of being
excessively warm. The young man
paid no attention to her, but hurried
on. What place of business was it that
prompted such extraordinary conduct
on the part of the young lady'
Pupils Gin chorus)-Oystcr saloon.
Teacher-No. a.
Pupils Tin acknowledgements sa-
loon.
Enthusiastically How large a
salary do some of the great American
humOrists receiver
Pupils Tin chorus)-Nine dollars
week.
Teachcr-Right. will ask you one
more question, and then the class will
be dismissed. A ACKNOWLEDGED soul
ful-eyed young man, with fringe on the
bottom of his trousers legs, climbed
eight flights of stairs and asked to see
the editor. When he was picked up on
the street below life was extinct. What
did that ACKNOWLEDGED, soulful-eyed
young man want to see the editor for?
Pupils Qumultuously)-I1e wanted
to sell him a spring poem.
Teacher-That is all for to-day. But,
children, before you go l want to eau
ton you against one thing, and that is
pride. When you reach the age of
manhood and are eagerly snapped up
by the leading journals of Chicago.
Boston, Philadelphia, Kalamazoo, Oil
City, Wayback, Podunk and other
great ccnters of American humor, you
will naturally feel somewhat clated
over the fact that you are about enter
ing upon 4 brilliant journalistic career.
But beware of pride. DO not imagine
that because the Podunk Clarion says:
brother Tompkins. of the Wayback
Citizen, is one of the most brilliant
young journalists of the day." you are
smarter than the managing editor. He
may know very little about humOr, but
he is familiar with the intricacies of
the wastc-basket. And waste-baskct
is one of the most important adjuncts
of newspaper office. 1t is an encour-
aging sign of the times that they are
yearly coming into more general use.
You can go now. dear children. but go
carefully. 1t would be dreadful
thing if any of you should chance to
strike your head against n cobwcb and
knock your brains out.-Puck's Am-
nud!.
A COW ut MalIlend, Fla, whenever
a fir" is built out of doors, hunts it up
and chews her cud by the side of it at
night, when the weather is cold. A
veracious witness says that one night |
the fire was covered with sand, but the |
cow uncovered it, blew up the cmbcrs,
and was engaged in rolling boxes and |
barrels toward it when stOppcd.-Mi-
go Inter Ocean.
The French interference in China |
is said to have very seriously affected
the trade in human hair, ut least so far
as Europe is concerned, since out of a
former importation of eighty thousand
annually into France full
ly one-half were supplied by the Chi
nese. Methods of dressing ladies' hair
which call for far smaller addition of
false hair may therefore be expected to
come into vogue.
Quaker Conservatism: Landlord
Ito old Philadciphian)-"I will make
the rent for the coming year thirty dol
lars month, Mr.. Penn" Old Phila-
have always paid you
.hirty-five dollars" LandlOrd-.'Yes
put can afford to make a reduction Of
i've dollars month to SO good ten