News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-04-01

At the Opern-The Husband Who De-
Tended His Wife-Grounds for a Pension
Dots and Dashes. Etc. Etc.
VERY TIPsY.
Wife-This is a nice time of night to
come home. Amt you ashamed of your
self
Husband quilting off his boots and
putting them carefully in the bureau)-
Don't -er-scold. Couldn't get away
-er-moment sooner. Had a-hic--
big argument.
W.-Big fddlestickl
H.-Fact, l sure you. Whadcher
think2 All-er-boys of the lodge in
it. Queshun was, which. of us had-er
most nIniablc and-cr- beautifu1 vv;fo.
1 beat 'em all Described you-hic-
beautiful eyes, silky hair, cheeks-hic-
roses, teeth pearls, lips cherries-tem-
per-er-hic-like nangel. Offered to
fight 'em if they wouldn't admit it.
They gave in, n here am-late, late
er-victorious, finest wife in-er-
world.
W. with sweet smile)-You are a
sad fellow, John. I'm afraid you'll
never be anything better. Let me help
you take off your coat, dear.-Bost0n
Coltriep.
WANTED HIS MONEYS WORTH.
DR.. Pighead visits Mr.. Goldman, the
pork manufacturer.
"Weu, my dear sir, don't see that
there's anything radically wrong with
you. Go to bed early, don't drink any
thing stronger than coffee and you'll be
all right in o week"
"What, are you not going to give me
any medicine -
"Certainly not. You don't need it."
"But you get your $25 just the
same ?"
eyes, Just So"
"Well, don't think it is a square
deal. S'posin' you bleed me, put
mustard plaster on the back of my neck
and gimme dose of salts. Everybody
that works for mes got to earn his sal
ary !"-Chdcag0 Rambler.
A FORTUNE.
One day last fall a strange woman ap-
peared at farm house in Indiana and
announced that she was q clairvoyant,
who had come down from Chicago to
show the farmer where to dig up jug
containing twenty thousand dollars in
gold.
"What's the charge7' cautiously in
quired the farmer.
1.-TWO thousand dollars, in advance"
''Shoo that's outrageous"
'But think of it. You will have SIS
900 left"
eye s, suppose so, but l reckon
oil lot hn r,l1 far
1 drawed fifty dollars in a lottery last
month and / cleared seven dollars in a
bucket shop this week, and 1 don't
keer to pile it on too thick. Even now
the old woman wants new shoes, and
the gals are crazy to have the house
painted two coats. - Val Street Neaos.
DIDN'T GO SKATING.
Small Boy-I say, jimmy, mas Just
I"gOt c. new churn, one of them boss two
minute churns what bring de butter in
no time.
Jimmy-Is it painted blue7
Small Boy-Yep.
Jimmy STAINS up high like, wild four
legs?
Small Boy-Yep.
Jimmy-Cog wheels on de outside,
an q CranKE
Small Boy-That's it.
Jimmy-Did the feller what sold it to
yer ma have warts on his neck?
Small boy-Yep.
Jimmy earnestly Scotty, I feels
sorry fer you. Ma got one jes' like it
las week. Dye know why wasn't
skatin' all day Saturday.
Small Boy-No.
JIMMY was churnin'.
FORGOT IT.
A wealthy citizen of neighboring
city had been out until the small hours
with convivial companions. 1t was not
exactly ''dry locality" that he had
visited, and he arrived home slightly
exhilarated. He managed, by describ-
ing several erratic rather than geomet<i-
cal lines to get to his bedroom and into
a chair. Then he called to his wife in
a stage whisper:
81 can't get my boots off. "
''What's the matter with your boots ~
''Nozzin," " Tin faint whisper.)
''What's the matter with your hands,
| then9" she cross-examined.
"Nozzin.n
F'Why don't you pull your boots off,
then9"
''Maria, I've forgot the combination. ("
Boston Record.
EIGHT HOURS DAY.
"Papa," said the daughter of large
employer of labor, ''are you in favor of
the eight-hour system2"
"Well, daughter" he answered,
''under certain circumstances, am"
"Oh, I'm SO glad" she rapturously
exclaimed.
''Why, my dear, why are you so in
terested9"
''Because, papa, George has been
only staying four hours every evening,
and he told me last night if you favored
the eight-hour system he needn't go
home so early. You dear old papa, I'm
SO glad you are in favor of it, and she
threw her soft white arms about his
neck and choked off all xplanations.-
Washington Critic.
HER REVENGE WAS TERRIBLE.
"Here is rather sad incident in the
paper, my DEAR" said Squildig.
1'What is it7'' asked his wife.
ga Bohemian girl at Chicago COM
mitted suicide to spite her lover, who
had offended her.
''The foolish grill wouldn't have
taken out my spite in that way"
'What would you have doneG"
sId have married him."
And Squildig went downtown Won
| derinq how he had offended his wife
before they were arried.-Pittsburg
Herald.
GOOD GROUNDS FOB A PENSION.
81 don't see upon what grounds you
can secure pension. You were not in
the army during the war;"
81 know, but was in the Home
Guards"
"Were you wounded or disabled2"
scNo; but first saw the woman who
is now my wife while we were on
parade. Since then I've had nothing
but trouble, and think the Government
ought to give me a pension. "-Phila.
| Chronicle.
AT THE OPERA.
Fanny-There is gentleman ON the
right bowling to us.
Arrabella (who is learning to play
euchre)-Oh then he is the best card
in the pack when the joker is out.
F.-What do you mean
A.-Ohl he is right bower.
This joke is copyrighted. All rights
reserved. d.-BostOn Courier.
OFF TO PARIS.
Clara Ito friend Have you heard the