Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1886-12-02
BILL NYE ON HOTELS.
He Describes His Experiences at an
Imitation Hostelry.

Imitation Hosiery.
Chicago Trbune.)
We are moving about over the
f, country, James Whitcomb Riley and ],
in the capacity of a moral and sDectac.
ular show. ] attend to the spectacular
part of the business. That Is more in
my line.
| am writing this at an imitation
hotel where two roads fork. will call
it the Fifth Avenue Hotel, because the
hotel at railroad junction is generally
called the Fifth Avenue, or the Gem
City House, or the Palace Hotel.
stopped at an inn some wears ago called
the Palace, and | can truly say that if it
had ever been a palace it was very
much run down when L visited it.
Just as fond parent of a white-eyed,
two-legged freak of nature loves to
name his mentally diluted son Ma
pOleon, and for the same reason that a
prominent horse owner in Illinois last
year socked my name on tall, buck
skin colOred colt that did not resemble
me, intellectually or physically, colt
that did not know enough to go around
barbed wire fence, but sought to sift
himself through it into an untimely
grave, so this man has named his sway
hacked wigwam the Fifth Avenue
Hotel.
1t is different from the Fifth Avenue
in many ways. Tn the first place,
there is not so much travel and bust
ness in its neighborhood. As 1 said be-
fore, this is where two railroads fork.
In fact, that is the leading industry
here. The growth of the town is natur-
ally slow, but it is a healthy growth.
There is nothing In the nature of dan
gerOus or wildcat speculation in the adj
vancement of this place; and while
there has been no noticeable or rapid
advance in the principal business, there
has been no falling off at all, and these
roads are forking as much to-day as
they did before the war. while the same
three men who were present for the
first glad moment are still here to wit
ness its operation.
Sometimes train is deraiIed, as the
papers call it, and two or three people
have to remain over, as we did, all
night. 1t is at such a time that the
Fifth Avenue Hotel is the scene of
great excitement. A large Goldfish,
with broad and sunny smile, and his
bosom full of rock salt, is tied in the
creek to freshen and fit himself for the
responsible position of floor manager of
the Goldfish ball.
A pale chambermaid, wearing black
jersey with large pores in it through
which she is percolating, now goes
joyously up the stairs to make the little
post office lock-bOX rooms look ten
times worse than they ever did before.
She MARBLES low refrain as she nimbly
knocks loose the venerable dust of CEN
turies and sets it afloat throughout the
room. All is hustle about the house.
Especially the chambermaid.
We We're put in the guests chamber
here. 1t has two atrophied beds made
up of pains and counterpanes.
This last remark conveys to the read
er the presence of a light. joyous feel
ing, which is wholly assumed on my
part.
The door of our room Is full of holes
where locks have been wrenched off in
order to let the Coroner in. Last night
| could imagine that / was in the act of
meeting, personally, the famous people
who have tried to sleep here, and who
moaned through the night and died
while waiting for the dawn.
/ have no doubt in the world but
there is quite gOod-sized delegation
from this hotel ofguests who hesitated
about committing suicide because they
feared to tread the red-hot sidewalks of
perdition, but who became desperate at
last and resolved to take their chances,
and they never had any cause to regret
it.
We washed our hands OH door-knob
soap, wiped them on slippery elm
court plaster that had made quite "a
reputation for itself under the non de
plume of "towell," tried to warm our
selves at pocket inkstand stove that
gave out heat like a dark lantern and
had a deformed elbow at the back of it.
The chambermaid is very versatile,
and waits on the table while not en-
gagged in agitating the overwOrked mat
t 'esses and puny pillows pstairs. In this
way she imparts the oder of fried pork
to the pillow cases and kerosene to the
pie.
Still, she is sociable at times and con-
verses freely with me at the table, and
she leans over my shoulder, pensiveIy
the crums into my lap with
a general utility towel, which accompa-
MES her in her various rambles through
the house, and she asks which we would
rather have-"tea or eggs?"
This afternoon we will pay our bill,
in accordance with lifelong custom
of ours, and go away to permeate the
busy haunts of men.