Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1886-11-04
THE DRUMMER.
Not the Famous Boy of Chicl<amauga, but
the Other Fellow. Whom We An Know.
Admire, Reverand Respect.
~


Admire, Reverand Respect.
Mempkis Apalaaehe.
At the commercial travellers banquet
Judge ]. NJ. Greer responded to the toast
THE Drummer" as follows:
In common with most banquet speak
ers, believe that on occasions of this sort
ones speech should be serious. 1t makes
no sort of difference that we are met for
purposes of social enjoyment and our in
tentiOn is to be jolly; it makes no differ
enee that tonight We have put away all
sober thought, aad the thing
we expect is entertainment. Moth
ing can deter your spost-prandial
orator, and the Constitution of our couL-
try having guaranteed freedom of speech,
he has the legal right to solemnly dole out
useful information at the witehing hour of
midnight. Your true philosopher agrees
that 1t Is not well for man to entirely sur
render himself to pleasure. Acting on this
idea, the ancient Egyptian introduced at
his feast the skull of some departed kins-
man. l imagine that skull brought about
the necessary solemnity. We of the mod
ern time have substituted for the death
head the speaker with statistical learning
that he is bonnd to impart. All good Amer
leans believe that alter this life is over and
their feet have crossed the dark Leth-
can stream, they will enter land of per-
petual stump speaking and that the good
things we intended to say here we will get
off there to an admiring audience Of an
gels Nor do any of us-as nearly as / can
find out-intend having any consideration
for the audience. You have asked me to
respond to "the drummer" When your
president first told me that this honor was
in store for me / was overwhelmed, and
have continued in that state ever since,
Very little is known, / find from
a careful study of the different
books on the subject. True,
Herodotus tells of certain wandering
tradesmen who, wherever they went, as
tOnished the natives, and brought home
their shekels. Josephus incidentally al
ludes to men in the mercantile business
who were frequently away from home at
night. Tacitus tells us of certain Romans
who took their goods and their lives in
tLeir hands and went ahead of anything
else in their day. TSue, some ofthe Egyp-
tan mummies are said to resemble in per-
sonal appearance and the hardness of
their cheek the commercial tourist of
to-day, but l do not believe any
of these could have been the
say anything about his always getting the
best seat on the railroad train and
his never ringing chestnut bell. 1t is
my private belief that the drummer
is of English origin, and was born in
the early part of this century. Ger
tain it is that his mother was necessity
and his father was enterprise, while
the food upon which he has grown
10 greatness was competition. We
may us we'll concede, however, that
something of q cloud surrounds his
birth. While it is known that his
parents, like those of all other distin-
yuiShed men, were poor but honest, yet
we do not know in what country his
young cheek first took on the mantling
blush, or in what air his strong voice was
waited. We only know that when he
first spoke he began telling secondhand
Jokes, and the first thing he was ever
known to do was to get the very best
room at the hotel. Like Homer of old at
least 100 cities claim the honor of not
giving him birth. Doubtless many more
would have spoken out if | had had the
time to inquire of their mayors. l heard
from enough to be satisfied that it was per-
.ectly impossible to locate him rs 4 home
product or an infant industry of
America. AS Germany, with prOyerbial
indifference and reckless courage, does not
care who or how many people are born
there, and as they have II national poem
called in their own language, der Drum
mer," have concluded to locate him as a
native of that soil. Before arriving at this
bold conclusion, | conferred with the drum
mer himself, but found his ideas wholly
impracticable on the subject. At one
time he would insist that he was
descended from all the Eng
lish and French nobility. At an
other he claimed to be Lady Jane Gray
Again he said he was the ''Man of the
Iron Mask, " and upon still another occa-
sion he told me with tears in his eyes that
he was the brazen-taced Janus Of Rome.
As conclusion, he contided to me that he
had borne many names in many places,
and that he seldom visited the same city
Is the same representative. He led me to
suppose he was the origiI al John Smith,
but his utter ignorance of POcahOntas,
George Washington, and other char
acters of that day, dissipated this
story. He said that the largest supply of
any one thing that he had ever had on
hand, excepting samples and jokes, was
ancestry, and that he cared no more for
them than he did for pOsterity or accuracy.
No city of the globe could be mentioned
but what he was ready to tell me what he
called an amusing story in connection
with the place. | finally concluded that
Germany wouldn't care if got him born
al over the 'Faderlandn at one and the
same time This couldn't be done with
anybody but distinguished character,
but many of them or their biOgraphers do
it easily and don't seem to mind.
Having thussettled the question of his
birth, as faithful historian, should give
Won some account of his early childhood
md dawning youth of this remarkable
production of trade l find however, that
the halcyOn days were spent by him in an
honest evasion of school tastes and the in
ventiOn of marvellous, wonderful and au-
thentic fairy tales No record has been
preserved of his life at Sunday school,
but it is believed by many
that he had learned the ten command
ments there, as he has been often
heard to say since that he has forgotten
them. When given the position as sales
man in q store he devoted the greater part
of his time to entertaining the customers
rather than selling them goods. He acted
in this matter like all other geniuses who
scorn the work they were not born to dis
charge. He knew that he belonged
to the road; that in distant towns the
ldmiring country merchant was waiting
to give him orders; that the hotel
keepers were busting their best rooms,
and Just rs soon rs he had read all the
almanacs which he could borrow, seen all
the minstrel troups and ciIcuSeS he could
yet into-he went. l will not further
follow that brilliant career, which will
end only when commercial progress shall
cease to exist; only when man shall fail
to appreciate energy and good humor, and
when he individually passes away may it
be written over him: Here lies the
chief of enterprise, who was in himself