Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-02-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

Magistrate been arrested be-
foreP Prisoner-No, sab. Magistrate
Didn't send you to the Island last
winter for ten days? Prisoner-I de-
Glars to goodness, now / looks at yo'
jedge, / b'lieves yo' did. But Ise poo
han TO member faces. IN T. Sun.
Some one placed piece of Limburger
cheese in the lining of Santa Cruz
merchants hat this week, and the mer-
chant has been loudly proclaiming that
the city needs a sewer system right
away, as the smell OF sewer gas is some
thing awful. Santa Cruz lCdl.) Sen
tinel
, In Iowa there lives man who draws
a pension because ten years ago his
wife struck him with broomstick.
Under this arrangement. if the editor
of this paper lived in Iowa, he would
be entitled to two pensions and COM
Portable home for life. Quitman (Ga)
Free Press.
Tramp Cat the back door)--Will you
please give me something to eat? Wo-
man-Not thing. Tramp-Nor nuth-
in to drink Woman-Nor nuthn' to
drink. Tramp-No cast-off clothes.
Woman-None. Tramp-Well, would
you tell poor, unfortunate man what
time it isp-St. Paul Globe.
"Why, Palette, old boy" said Robin
son, heartily. "whcre have you been
lately; out of town." "Ya'as." replied
Palette, ..been up along the line of the
Hudson painting little bits of scenery
trees, rocks, and that sort of thing, You
| lyna,u ~ asAh oh
ads, supposedly Y. Times.
80, Mr.. Van Duden," said young
dudine at the opera recently, doesn't
this music make you surge?" .Ah, vas.
believe it's gwand." ut is so tender
ly, wonderfully, exqusitly perfect; it
makes me wave all over" High tide"
said disguised listener, and the con-
versation stopped. Philadelphia Press.
She was wading across the mud on
Woodward avenue, when a butcher cart
came along and splashed her from bon
net to shoes. A pedestrian who wit
messed the accident pulled out his hand
kerchief and said: "Beg pardon, but
let me wipe some of it of" 20 thanks!n
she replied. "but never mind the mud.
If you feel it duty to do something in
leading cuss words now in user'-De-
trot Free Press.
Mrs. Singsong, entertaining Baron
Won Stoopid of Berlin at dinner, RECALLED
him with a funny story she had read in
the newspaper which, unfortunately, he
had heard before at somebody's else
dinner. .Ah, har" he laughed-think-
ing to observe the fashionable club ex-
preston in this country governing Joe
Millers-'Ah, ha! Meescs Singsong, dos
ish-vat you call him?-a doughnuds.
aind id?' The titled foreigner meant
chestnut. ~ Y. Mail.
Il hear" he said to boy who was
hanging around Il Woodward avenue
grocery the other day, that your folks
have had some good luck. YES, we
have that" was the answer. Your
mother was left $500 BY the death of
an aunt, they say %, no, sir. That
happened next door to us. Our good
luck was in having dad sent up for
three months and giving the family
chance to recuperate We just feel
rich, we do!'-DetroH Free Press.
A New York merchant advertised for
cashier A wcll-drcssed gentleman
applied for the position. The merchant
looked over his references and said:
Your credentials are excellent, but /
would like to ask you Il question.
Certainly, sir Have YOU been vac
cinated?" Yes. sir THAT will do.
We have no use for your services. The
only cashier who can be relied on to
any extent whatever is the one who is
afraid of the Canadian smallpox"
Il beg your pardon, sir, said tray
eler to fellow-passenger, but is not
| YOUR name Smith?' mo, sir,n was the
reply; my name is Montrose" "Ex-
| cuse me. My mistake" Certainly
Don't mention it. It's not very flatter-
| ing to ones pride and self-respect" Mr.
Montrosc added with smile. ito be
classed among the great plcbeian army
of Smiths but such mistakes will occur.
! Er-will you favor me with your name,
sir?" Yes; my name is Smith. IN y
| Sun.
| The death-rate in Dakota for years
| past has been only five in 1000. Even
| this moderate average for our territory
might have been materially lowered
had there not been such popular pre-
| JUDGE against more than four aces in
| pack of cards. When other aces with
| out any visible means of support were
detected straying into poker game the
death-rate was always given boost
| The cold deck and high rate of NOR
| tally go hand in hand in the unfettered
west.-Estelline (Dak.) Bell.
The curious workings of the infantile
mind were brought out by the remark
of a 4-year-old girl the other day. A
very near friend of the family was
Miss j., who is noted for her charities
and many good works. Among other
things she had a Sunday-school class in
which the infant mentioned was a very
interesting member. The other night,
the youngstcr had finished her prayers,
she kept very quiet for a moment, and
then, turning to her mother, asked.
Mamma, is Miss j. a sister of God?"-
Boston Record
The San Francisco Society of Lady
| Artists is having great time. 1t
doesn't know whether to call itself
''lady" artists or woman" artists. 1t
has long been n local habit to take ma
trimonial squabbles and all matters re-
| curing peculiar finesse and exquisite
Establishment to Gen. Barnes. Ac-
cordingly one of the ladies thought she
would do clever thing and get the
| general to settle the vexed question of
names. So she stated the case to him.
After mature deliberation, partly over
the matter in hand and partly over
complicated shot at billiards, the gem
eral rendered his decision: avoid
both Names" said he. why not be
original and euphonious and call your
selves the San Francisco Society of She
Painters?" There was rustic of stylish
petticoats and sudden chilling vacan-
cy in the apartment.-Sdn Francisco
| Post
Some of the railways down this way
are still little shaky. The old Jerk
water Line is especially loose in the
joints. A commercial traveller who
came in yesterday relates a little expert
ence while bounding over the road.
1--WE were whooping along" he said,
lat the rate of about seven miles an
hour. and the old train was weaving
terribly. | expected every minute to
see my bones protruding through my
skin. Passengers were rolling from one
end of the car to the other | held on
like grim death to the arms of my seat.
Presently we settled down to quiet run
ming at least could keep my hat on
and my teeth didn't chatter. The con-
ductor was in hailing distance.