The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1886-07-17
TOWsONTOW7N Md, SATURDAY, JULY II, 1886.
The Man With q Liver.
Burdette.

BurdeHe.
I had such pleasant companion on
my way home from Aurora. He got on
at Bristol and took dinner at the Cos
mopolitan.' He sat with me at dinner,
and didn't seem to have much appetite.
He groaned when he took up the bill of
fare, and sighed as he looked across the
table at my order, and then shook his
hea( .dolefully and told the waiter to
bring him little boiled mutton, with
caper sauce; little boiled trout, with
egg sauce; some roast beef trihe rare,
just a taste of roast lamb, turkey with
cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, roast
duck, some pork and beans, Boston
style, stewed tomatoes, corn, turnips,
squash, bit of cold tongue, some sharp
relish and cup of coffee. Then he
ordered some assorted cake, cranberry
pie, Indian pudding and ice cream for
dessert, and said he felt darn sight
more like dying than eating.
If he dies as we'll as he eats, Just i'm
agine, just think, what a glorious, tri-
umphant death that man will die.
Shortly after dinner the poor man
came into the coach and sat down op-
posite me.
'Ah, he said, with deep groan, Il
don't know what wouldn't give l if l
could eat like you
'Sirp l said, in fine burst of in
dignation, for l feared he was going to
accuse me of swallowing my knife every
time l took bite of pie, and just
made up my mind that l would cut his
heart out if he limited at such thing.
ooh, it's fact, he replied; Il haven't
enjoyed meal for years..
'Was it possible?' asked in amaze
ment.
Indeed, yes, he said. 'I'm all out
of fix. I've no liver at all to speak of. ;
4 didn't suppose one liver would be
of any account to him. l rather thought
that if he could get couple of gangs
of livers, and work them by reliefs they
might be able to help him along, espec-
tally if he had them made of tin.
But then he was stranger to me, SO
I didn't feel justified in making the sug-
gestion.
No. he continued, my liver is no
more account than lump of lead. l
suppose, he said plaintively, 'it's as big
as four Of yours
And he looked at me with an appeal
ing glance, as though he expected me
to take my liver out and let him exam
inc it, as though it was an oroide watch
he wanted to trade for.
Now, if there is anything in this wide,
beautiful world that will make me mad,
it is to have a man who is ailing sit
down and bore me with list of his dis
eases and detailed account of his anat-
omical arrangements. And the men
of free America, it seems to me, would
rather talk about their perishing livers
than their never-dying souls and it al
ways makes me mad for man to come
at me and burden me with complaints
about the torpidity of his liver, as though
were his physician. l am proud to
confess to the blindest, densest ignor-
ance concerning my.own inner life. |
don't know whether my liver is round
or Snapped like gun case, and l don't
care a continental, although I always
had the impression that it was just un-
der the shoulder blades. So I said to
the man, with great enthusiasm:
Oh, do tell me about your liver! l
should so like to know all about it.
am so interested in such things
The man looked little surprised at
my sudden enthusiasm, but he said there
wasn't much to tell about it. 1t was as
torpid, he said, as snake in December.
'Oh, charming, charming!' l ex
claimed. 'And is it tame? Do you let
it run around loose, or do you have to
keep it chained up?'
The stranger stared, and looked as
though he would like to sit little fur
ther away. He said he didn't just ex-
actly understand me.
'And how is your spleen?' asked,
eagerly, 'and your ventricles? And do
tell me about your thoraic duct, and
how do you get along with your tonsils?
And have you raised any new bones
since 1 saw you last; and when did you
hear from your diaphragm? Do tell me
all about your viscera; make clinic OF
yourself and tell me the Christian names
of all your bones and the appurtances
there-into appertaining. Tell me
But he got up and slowly backed out
of the car, and the conductor shortly
afterward told me that the man with
liver told him that the man who escaped
from the asylum at Jacksonville last
week was in the rear coach.