Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-10-21

--NeU YORK. Times.
well, now, Mary, the cook, has left
us" said she. in deep distress. "and
what sort of shape are we in now?"
in the shape of polygon,n he respond
ed with great glee, for he was u para
grapher, and had never got off good
thing so impromptu before.
At the club: Breakfast time. "Wai-
taw." "Ycssir" Give me- aw, some
oatmeal, 4 tomataw salad, vol, and
pint of St Julien" ''Ycssir. And a
nice little steak or chop, sir?' STEAK!
Chop! Cuss it! Do you think am a
twuck dwivar?" 7oWn Topics.
look here" remarked De Wigs to
the corner grocery, ''this pavement is
awfully slippery Why don't you throw
some sand or it?" Cant get bit,n
replied the grocer. well, throw some
sugar over it; the pavement won't know
the difference" chestnut yelled the
grocer.
Proprietor 10 Clerks have procured
complete stock Of medicines, gentle
men, and should any of you be taken
suddenly i'll while the baseball season
continues at the polo grounds, you will
not need to 90 home. as / can prescribe
for you myself right here on the prem
ises.-fMck.
Mrs. A went into the kitchen one
morning and informed Ellen that Mr.
Thompson, u neighbor and Il prominent
resident, had committed suicide. Ellen
looked at her with an expression of
mingled establishment and disgust, and
said: "Oh-h-h. mum, has he? Wild
who?" Harper Monthly.
Customer Ito drug clerk) What do
you charge for arsenic?n Drug clerk
(suspiciously) What do you want it
for?" Customer am n French candy
manufacturer. Drug clerk (suspicions
allayed)-''O, / beg pardon sir; |
thought perhaps you wanted TO take it
yourself "-New York Sun.
First detective-His I'm on the
track of a burglar. Second detective
Hushl So am /. There's my man.
First detective Say. lookee here, that's
my brother; he's nil right. Come. help
me eaten my man. See him there?
Second observation-disclosures you that's
my father omaha World.
Now that Niagara rapids have been
safely navigated there is but one more
world TO conquer. If some man will 90
into Wall street and come out unscratch-
ed the Niagara Falls herd will not be
worthy to black his shoe. There's a big
gate to Immortality. Who'll be the
iirstP- Columbus (Ga.) Enquirer.
81 wonder if | would look well in
blackP" said bride of but three
months standing to n lady friend.
"Why, arc any of your relatives serious
ly ill?' mo, but my husband insists
on having iced cucumbers every morn
ing for breakfast, and | cannot talk
him out of them. Philadelphia Nea0s
Mr.. Jones, you might lend me that
novel. | have been wanting to read it
for some time. Il am heart-broken
at being compelled to refuse, my dear
madame; but I've made it II rule not to
lend books-thcy are never returned.
The proof is before you. You see how
well stocked with volumes my shelves
are? Well, they are all borrowedr-
It'd Bits.
Now comes an iconoclast and SAYS
that there is a colored man who lives
at Mount Vernon, where George is
buried. and he told lady that once
there was little slave boy named Ike.
who lived in Mr.. Washington's family,
and that what George really said was:
Il cannot tell Il lie, father, Ike did it,"
but that the father didn't hear straight.
NeIo York Post.
Got any eggs to-day, Mr.. Cold
cheese?" Yes. sir, plenty of them"
''Arc they fresh?" Fresh, sir, as the
flowers that-ahemr" Then | don't
want ANY," Don't want any?" mo,
sir. I'm gong to lecture tonight, and
thought if could run across some
stale eggs" Stale, sir, There
hain't an egg in that barrel that was
laid this year. - Philadelphia Call
Young Lady (to young ministeD -
| trust that our leaving last evening
during the sermon did not annoy YOU,
Mr.. Whitechoker But mamma felt
very i'll. and we thought it best to 60.
Young Minister (profuseiy)-You did
quite right, Miss Smith. | assure you |
was not annoyed in the least. Young
Lady-You are very kind to say so, but
suppose yon get used to that sort Of
er-yes. poor mamma, is dreadful
sufferer at times. -New York Sun.
Minks-"See here, Binks. you must
be getting crazy. hear you backed
your old nag against Lightning last
week. Binks-'.l did > you might
have known you'd lose. Lightning is
the fastest horse in seven counties, and
yours can't go mile in four minutes"
THAT is ail right, but l know Light
ning's driver, aud my old nag would
have won if it hadn't been for an acct
dent" What sort of an ACCIDENT"
.Iightning's reins broke. - Omaha
World