davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

Among the Rev. Henry Ward Beech
er's many accomplishments not the least
is his ability as story teller. TO much
amused listeners he recently told this
one about a New York drummer. 4
typical "knight of the grip sack"
detained at a small town in western
New York awhile ago where revival
meeting was in progress. lie had met
a party of convivial friends during his
stay there, and had what is popularity
known as "a load on" Nevertheless
he drifted into the revival meeting and
took seats well up in front. l. was
rather close in the church aud the warm
air was conducive to sleep. The drum
mer yielded to the drowsy god, and
after noGding little sank into a pro-
found slumber and slept through the
minister's rather long and dry discourse.
The audience sang hymn and the
drummer slept on. Then the evange-
list began his address, and wound up
his fervid appeal with this request:
"Will all of you who want TO 60 to
heaven please rise"
Every one in the church except the
sleepy drummer arose. When the evan
gelist asked them to be seated one Of the
brothers in the same pew as the sleep
ing drummer accidentally brushed
against him as he sat down. The drum
mer rubbed his eyes, and, partially
awake, heard the last portion of the
evaugelist's request, which was:
"Now, want all of you who want to
90 to hell to stand up"
The drummer struggled little, leaned
forward unsteadily, and rose from his
seat in dazed sort of way. A sort OF
suppressed laugh be heard from some
of the younger people, and an express
sion of horror he noticed on the faces OF
some of the older ones. Steadying HIM
self against the rail he looked at the
evangelist an instant and then said:
"Well, Parson, don't know just ex-
actly what we're voting on, but you
and seem to be in hopeless minor
ity."
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23
Ii Don't Pay.

1t don't pay 10 hang one citizen be-
cause another citizen sells him liquor.
II don't pay to have one citizen in the
county Jail because another citizen sells
him liquor.
IL don't pay to have one citizen In the
lunatic asylum because another citizen
sold him liquor.
IL don't pay TO have fifty workmen
ragged to have one saIoon-keeper dress-
ed in broadcloth and flush with money.
1t don't pay TO have ten smart, active,
intelligent boys transformed into thieves
to enable one man to lead an easy life by
selling them liquor.
1t don't pay to have nfty working
men and their families live on bone
soup and half rations in order that one
saloon.kceper may flourish on roast
turkey and champagne.
1t don't pay to have one thousand
homes blasted, ruined, denIed and
turned into hell OF discord and misery,
In order that one Wholesale liquor deal
er may snass large fortune.
1t don't pay to give one man, for tls
quarter, a license to eel liquor, and
then spend 5000 on snosber's mans
trial for buying that ltquos aad com
hitting murder under its fpG1en1
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23


2 A. M.-Born few moments ago.
Yelled.
2.l5-Am washed. The fool doctor
told 'enl l was a boy, just as II that was
something new. Was whacked over the
lap of dizzy old Christmas card Of
nurse, who proceeded to tog me out In
some bsndsges and quarter Of mile
OF skirts. Kicked.
Slave slept somewhat. The gor-
geous old valentine made for me when
| stirred and turned me into nineteen
different positions. Must be training
me for contortionist. Yelled.
4-Have worked the sound wave for a
straight hour. The old man isn't look
ing as happy ~ he did. am high
soprano, know, Tor just heard some
one in the fourth story swearing. Old
man has remarked thSt III jeprec'ate
property for four blocks.
4lO-Evcrybody is sitting around.
The old man has got even Ni,h the doc
tor by giving him Que Of his cigars. The
doctor will have TO charge himself up
with prescription pretty soon.
4.ll-Told you so. The doctor has
just asked the old man II ne had ever
matched one Of his cigars against glue
factory. Yelled in sympathy.
4.l5-The amiable OH Easter memo
rial is working bottle. She saw me
watch her, and said l was a tootsy.
wootsy. wish were n shoesy boo.sy;
I'd fix her for getting Il corner on the
family supplies and slowing them away
in her stomach.
Ais to 5.ls-lelled.
5.20-The antique circus poster fed
me on warm water and whisky. She
said had the collie. viii work the
collie racket again.
6-Wazzer mazzer wiz evy'bodyf
Dizzy old chrome wiz two heads whack-
in me on the back. Had collie twice.
9-woke up with the headache. The
old man ought TO keep better goods.
Guess ri yell.
9.l5-Am washed. Feel little rocky.
Ten minutes for refreshments, then l
intend 10 do the collie act again for
cocktail.
l0-Old man Is writing telegrams
about me. He looks n little like q last
years birds nest himself. Yelled.
l2-IIave been asleep. Woke up sud-
denly and saw the venerable nightmare
they've hired to groom me working her
jaws over enough lunch to feed shit
of section hands. The old man oughtn't
to allow il. What'll do when he kicks
out If this waste continues? The thought
made me so mad that yelled.
3P. M.-Have doze1. Everybody Is
doing well but the people in the block,
who are tired for want Of sleep. Old
man has confidence In me. lie has just
said that he'd back my lungs against
any steam whistle, best two toots out Of
three. Ii makes one proud to have the
approval Of his parents.
81 was put on a pillow In chsir
few minutes ago and fool girl came In
and sat down on me. Yelled.
6-Colic. Fortunate results; sleepy.
s.I0-Going to sleep for the night.
The giddy old obelisk Is In the chair
snoring. Room sounds like a round
house. Mighty dull sort Of day. Good
night Chicago Rambler.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23
His Wife Number Two.

Old Col. Potterfield was hard man.
He worked his wife-good patient wo-
maE-to death upon his plantation. On
her deathbed, when too late, his eyes
were opened to the great wrong he had
done, and he begged her forgiveness.
"It is easy enough for me TO forgive" !"
she gasped. "but my forgiveness will
not cause your coming punishment to
be lessened. feel that you are going
to be punished on this EARTH" She
turned her face from him and died.
The Colonel's season Of grief was not
long. He soon put on his best clothes
and showed himself at hog killings and
other places of amusement. Soon there
came into the neighborhood a graceful
woman, Antoinette Polworth. The
colonel met her and was charmed. He
called on her. She received him kind
ly and eventually they were married.
Six months of almost unhroken hap
piness flew away, bur now the colonel :
face sometimes wore an anxious eN-
preston. His wife was not so fair as
she had been. and the colonel discov-
cred thai the waving hair which he had
so much admired was sometimes al
night hung on the corner of the mani
telpiece. he found. also, that he had
been deceived in other ways and the
spirit of revenge arose in his injured
breast.
"Antoiuette," the colonel one day re-
marked, in voice which had lost much
of Its wonted gentleness, Caroline is
i'll to-day, and want you TO 20 out and
weave jeans for the negroes. | get a
good price for the stuff and | cannot af-
ford to see the loom idle"
"Well then don't look at it, Antoin-
ette carelessly replied.
The colonel nibbled his lips and stern
ly said:
"Woman, | want no foolishness."
"Don't have it, then"
81 won't. Go out there and weave,
or you'll feel the ungentle force of ret
ributive authority"
Antoinette laughed. The colonel
took hold of her nose and gave IL "A turn
as though he would urscrew 1t. An-
toinctte put aside stocking she had
been darning, knocked the colonel down
with a lightning like slap, put one foot
under him, threw him across the room,
sat down, and resumed her peaceful &C.
cupation. After while the colonel
sat up and gazed at her in amazenient.
"Antoinette," he fee5ly said.
"You needn't weave"
"Thank you, dear"
"You have convinced me that a wO-
man should have few rights, but say,
how did you do it? Where did you ac-
quire the facts which you have just en-
bodied into such an unanswerable argu-
ment?"
Colonel" she replied, "pardon me
for not sooner telling you. For many
years was the cannon ball woman and
the iron jawed maiden in the circus.
Don't get excited, dear, shall not give
you another exhibition until you at
tempt to get divorce from me. Then
will take you up in my teeth and
shake you"
The colonel wen: out, leaned on a
horse-block and groaued. His first
wife's prediction was vcrificd.-Arkan-
saU Traveller.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

"Yes, sah," said the old colored man,
"de frs yeah. when l Civ fifty dollars
to the church, dey call me Mistah Rich
ad johnson, Esquah; de secoI' yeah
times was bad an / couldd't give no
noah than twenty-five dollars, and dey
call me Bruddah Johnson; de next yeah
I couldn't Civ muffin, and dey call me
old niggah Johnson"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

Growing Old.

What is 1t to grow old?
Is 1t to lose the glory Of the form,
The lustre Of the eye?
Is it for beauty to forego her wreath?
Yes, but not this alone.
Is 1t to feel our strength,
Not our bloom only, but our strength, decay?
Is il to feel each limb
Grow sitter, every function less intact,
Each nerve more loosely strung?
Yes, this, and more but not,
All! tits not what in youth we dreamed
'twould be,
IT'S not to have our life
Mellowed and softened as with sunse' e'-glow
A golden days decline.
IT'S not to see the world
AS from a height, with rapt, prophetic eyes,
And heart profoundly stirred;
And weep, and feel the fullness OF the past
The years that are no more.
1t Is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young;
1t is to add immured
In the hot prison of the present, month
To month with weary pain.
It is TO suffer this
And feel but half, and feebly, what we feel.
Deep in our hidden heart
Testers the dull remembrance of a change;
But no emotion, none.
1t is, last stage ofall,
When we are frozen up within, and quite
The phantom Of ourselves,
To hear the world applaud the hollow ghost
Which blamed the living man.
-Mdtthe,C Arnold.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23
AUCTIONEER.

i TO the tbeneefnsigned neng respectfully announces
asan All rT,oi gTg0ilc tnat he has taken out license
Oilers his ssaaIONEER in jefferson county, and
needing his ses vices as sale crier. Persons
al his residssse services will please apply to him
uehce In Shepherdstown.
Jan. p ls0e JAMES w. KERNEY.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

A husband who had incurred the an
ger of his wife, terrible virago, seeks
refuge under the bed.
"Come out of that, you brigand, you
rascal, you assassin!" screamed his
gentle companion.
"No, madame" he replied, calmly,
81 won't come out. l am going to show
you that l shall do as please in my
own house!"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23
coon sALARIEC

local o. sslon 10 Men and Women to act as
Needed S,,aVeling Agents. No experience
NEY, esseady work. JAMES +. WHIT
ton this ns eryman, Rochester, N. Y. Men
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

Teacher-"Wbat does sea-water con-
tain besides the sodium-chloride that we
have mentiohed?" Pupil-.Fish."
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-04-23

, /; l; RICHARD & son have lust received
Caicoe. week, Crinkle seersuckers, Percals,
TickINS GGlnghams, Sheetings, Muslins. Bed
all AZ hamburg Edgings, Linen Edges
Zepbvr nard Md Times prices. New supply OF
rssene "Orsteds, Working Silks and Ar
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
ENDORSING THE WOODBURY. BILL

The non-Mormons of Idaho are alive to
the necessities of the hour, as evidenced
by the calls which appear in the journals
OF that Territory for mass conventions in
several towns "for the purpose of endors-
ing the anti-Mormon bill introduced in
Congress by Representative Woodburn,
OF Nevada, and also to petition Congress
for the passage of said BILL"
OF all the measures yet introduced in
Congress for the remedy OF Mormon
evils, the Woodburn bill stands first and
foremost in point of merit and efficacy,
and it is to be regretted that the Gentiles
OF Utah should neglect to give it the same
earnest and public endorsement that the
non-Mormons OF Idaho are prepared to
give it. The belief is general among the
members of the bar OF this city, that this
bill would prove an almost complete pan
acca for all the ills OF u Mormon nature
which the Territories have suffered from,
and as such it ought to have
the heartiest approval of every freeman in
the lanu. ltS provisions are SUCH tnau,
should it become law, the State would
forever be freed from the blighting intlu-
ence and control of the despotic Church
organization, and the eradication OF
polygamy would follow as a matter OF
course.
The Gentiles of Utah should follow the
example of their brethren in Idaho and
give such public endorsement to the
Woodburn bill as would make it cleal
that they fully appreciate the great
wrongs which its provisions are designed
to redress, and by this means strengthen
the hands OF those who are earnestly
working to secure its passage through
| Cnnnress
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
FRED DOUGLASS SUCCESSOR.

A special dispatch from Washington to
the Chicago Herald says the President
has declined absolutely to withdraw the
nomination of James G.. Matthews, the
colored lawyer OF Albany, for Recorder
OF Deeds for the District OF Columbia.
This nomination has given rise to con-
siderable comment by politicians OF both
parties, and the President has been
sharply criticised by some of them, not
only for nominating colored man to u
lucrative and important position in the
national capital, but more particularly for
going outside OF Washington to select
Mr.. Douglass successor.
Matthews is graduate OF the Albany
IN. W Law School, was regularly ad-
mtted To the bar in 1870, and subse-
quently TO the bar of the United States
courts He has been successful in the
practice OF his profession, and has
labored zealously and effectively for the
Democratic cause in State and national
campaigns since 1872.
From the fact that the President de-
clines to withdraw the nomination, it is
evident that he has every confidence in the
mans ability to we'll and truly perform
the duties OF the office and it's also quite
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
A BOMB.sHELL OF A PRAYER.
The Chaplain of the House Calls the
Lords Attention 30 Our
Rich Men.

WASHINGTON, March 27.-The chap
lain's opening prayer this morning was
as follows "Give ear, o, God of Jacob,
and awaken us to see the danger which
threatens the civilized world-a revolu-
ton more tremendous than any OF which
history tells-in which the scenes OF the
reign OF terror may be enacted in every
capital OF Europe and America. For
long while the few have mastered the
many, because they understood the open
secret-that men were but tools to those
that can use them; but now the many
have learned the secret of organization,
drill and dynamite. Arouse the rich of
the world to understand that the time has
come for the grinding, selfish monopoly to
cease, and that corporations may get
souls in them, with justice, honor, con
science and human kindness. Teach the
rich men OF this country that their great
fortunes are but lent them by Thee for
other purposes than to build and deco
rate palaces; to found private collections
of art to stock wine cellars; to keep rae
ing studs and yachts, and find better
company than hostlers, grooms and jock
eys, pool sellers and bookmakers.
Teach them, Oh God, that is it Thee who
has given them power to get these for
tunes, and that it to prove them and to
know what is in their hearts and whether
they will keep Thy commandments or no,
and that those commandments are,
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with
all thy heart, and neighbor as thyself.
That if the rich men OF our land keep
these commandments the poor will fol
low their example, and we, at least, will
be saved from the days Of tribulation
that are fast coming on all the world.
Help us, o, God, and save u.s."
Mr.. Grosvenor, OF Ohio, asked unani-
nous consent that the prayer be printed
in the Record.
Mr.. James, OF New York, objected, re-
marking, soto uoce, to gentleman who
asked him to withdraw his objection
that it was because the prayer was an in
cendiary speech.
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
THE STRIKE Is ENDED.

Our dispatches to-day contain the
gratifying intelligence that JAY Gould
has consented to the proposition OF the
knights OF Labor TO create a Board OF
Arbitration TO settle the differences ex-
isting between the Knights in the South
west and their railroad company employ
ers. Pending the settlement OF their
troubles, in obedience to the order oil
Grand Master Powderly, the knights
have resumed work and traffic on the
roads has been resu med, to the great re-
lief of the whole country.
In this connection, it will be noted that
Congressman O'Ncill expected to report
to-day from the House Committee on
Labor, "a bill creating boards OF arbi-
tration for the speedy settlement OF con-
troversies and differences between COM
mon carriers engaged in Interstate and
Territorial commerce or business and
their employees" The need OF some
such measure must now be apparent to
all, since the recent strikes have assumed
such proportions as to make the labor
question one of such importance as to
ogershadow the tariff, silver coinage and
all other national issues. 1t may be that
the passage OF this measure through
Congress will be delayed too long 10
make il of service in the settlement of
the present troubles, but it will be
needed in future and should be given i'm.
mediate consideration by Congress.
The bill which Mr.. O'Neill expects to
introduce provides for the appointment
by the President OF an Arbitration Com
mission TO consist OF nine members
whose names may be suggested by the
Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers
the Knights OF Labor, and the mos
numerous association OF farmers, no
more than five of whom shall be OF the
same political party, whose duty it shal
be to investigate the causes and arbi
trate upon all differences between rail
roads and other common carriers an,
their employees. They may proceed il
sections of three, and the conclusion
are to be presented TO a quorum c
the entire board for affirmation
This decision, If disobeyed, is to be sub
mitted to United States District Cour
or Circuit Judge OF competent jnrisdic
ton, who shall summarily review, modii
or change the same, and enter his Opinion
in the nature o; decree. which, if disre
garded, shall be punished OF court. TIL
board may also arbitrate between trad
industries and employees on II strike o
lockout, but their action in this behalf i
only advisory. The commissioners are t
be paid an annual salary OF $4,000 an
aynaucac
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
WOMAN SUFFRAGE IN UTAH.

Mrs. Clemence S. Lozier, Chairman of
Woman Suffrage party, is paying her
respects to Senator Edmunds because of
the latter's proposal to disfranchisc the
women OF Utah, Mormon and Gentle
alike, until sucli time as the plural mar
riage question shall have been satisiac-
torily disposed of. Mrs. Lozier thinks
that none but horribly selfish and very
mean man would be guilty of making
such a proposition, and when Mr.. Ed
munds dropped her line to remark that
'if you and your associates understood
the state OF things in Utah, | am sure you
would support instead of oppose the pro-
vision to relieve the women OF Utah from
the degradation OF voting as their Mormon
masters require" the lady's dander was
aroused to such pitch at the Senator's
"impertinence" that she dropped all ar
gument in the premises and commenced
to scream and fight, and this is the vigor-
Gus manner in which she proceeded to
dress down the horrid Vermont man with
her little broomstick "Your action
shows that your constituents will dc
very wisely to remove you from the SEN
atorial seat wherein you have shown
yourself aristocratic, tyrannical and re-
dictionary. Your course in this matter
has destroyed your prospects for the
Presidency Your party's leaders will
know that you cannot carry New York
and that, though dsfranchised, the wo-
manhood of America would manage to
turn other States against you"
Senator Edmunds must have been
somewhat astonished at this evidence OF
u storm in the teapot circle Of Woman
Suffragists, but as the matter now stands
it looks as though this attempt to shoe
him away from interference in Utah
affairs comes little too late to do any
good.
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
a Very small Matter.

ITVTF ENt F'TETT TTfTTfTI6FV IW0Ts
Mrs. Dean, OF Salt Lake, testified that
she did not ask her husband whether lie had
another wife or not, as she did not consider
it matter of enough Importance to talk
about. town in which trivial gossip is so
little regarded as in Salt Lake would be an
ideal home for the Concord philosophers. A
book containing a list of the subjects that
the Utah people consider of sufficient i'm
portance to talk about would be the most
eleyating work in literature.
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
Commissioner Sparks, Latest.

The Democratic Land Commissioner
Sparks, has rendered decision by which
a tract OF land in Florida is taken from
Mr.. Call, the Democratic Senator, and
given to Il poor negro. Mr.. Sparks will
now, doubtless, be abused more than
ever by the Republicans, The Repub-
licans claim the sole right to give land
and mules TO the negroes.-LousviHe
COurier-JOurRal.
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29
ODD FELLOWS LODGES.

Utah LODGE NO. /, /. o. o. F. - MEETS
u every Thursday, at 1880 p. m, in Odd Fell
lows Hail. Union Block, Salt Lake City. Odd
Fellows in good standing are invited to attend
JOHN GREELY, N. g.
]. J. THOMAS, Secretary.
GAIT LAKE LODGE NO. .. /. o. o. F.
y Meets every Friday, at 7:30 p. m, in Odd
Fellows Hall, Union Block Odd Fellows in
good standing are invited to attend.
T. w. WHITLEY, N. q.
]. NJ. DARLING, Secretary.
JORDAN LODGE NO. 3, /. o. .. F.-MEETs
81 every Monday, at 1880 p. m, in Odd Fell
lows Hall, Union Block. odd Fellows in good
standing are invited TO attend.
L. CAFFALL, N. G.
b. w. L. JENNENs. Secretary
DIDGELY LODGE NO. 9, l. o. o. F.-MEETS
IL every Wednesday, at 7:30 p M, in Odd Fell
lows Hall, Union Block. Visiting brothers
made welcome. p NJ. DENNY, N. G.
w. NJ. CLARK, Secretary.
UNITY ENCAMPMENT. No. Q. l. o. o. F.
~ Meets the second and fourth Tuesday of
each month at 1880 p. m, in Odd Fellows Hall,
Union Block All Patriarchs in good standing
are invited to attend. PHIL KLIPPLE, c.
w. ID. GABY, Scribe.
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29

clear that race prejudice does not count
with Mr.. Cleveland to the extent that
many Republican orators would like to
make it appear. A colored Republican
has held the office for several years past;
why shouldn't colored Democrat, in
this instance at least, be given chance
to show his capabilities as an ofiice-hold-
Salt Lake evening Democrat. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1885-1887, 1886-03-29

,miiiSinulacluTeIS of Furnace, Mining and
w,shheels Stag Pots BuIs and Pans for samplne
Mllls, Etc, Cast aud Wrought Iron FenGlng aud
Gresilhg aud all Kinds Of Builders Iron Work,
Including Ornamental Columns for front and
Interior Supports. "A'
nnteod. """