News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-11-04

Ill D iD1Ohu.
'His mother-in law had just come to
pay months visit. He says he will
never set down where there is thirteen
at table again. Misfortune is sure to
follow"
"Brute!" was her only comment. ~
7. Sun.
MATCHES.
They were sitting in the parlor gazing
into the red heart of the anthracite c
which glowed in the CRATE, when, tax
ing her hand and squeezing it tenderly,
he asked, IN the poetical language that
lovers often use:
''Are you willing, darling, that We
should drift down the stream of life to
gethcr ~
"Ohm she exclaimed, somewhat i'm,
patient y, Twelve had enough of drift
ing matches lately. If you want me to
marry you say so.'
COSTS so MUCH.
Bagley - All, DeBaggs! where art
thou going with the hobby horse
DeBaggs-'Tis tor little Jimmy, my
youngest sprout.
Bagley (sagely)-It's costly business
TO nave children.
DeBaggs tgloomily)--T should say so.
Every time start out to buy ten cent
toy ! meet somebody l know, and then
away goes dollar or two for cigars and
beer.--Phil0. CaU
VAIN REGRETS.
"Papa, l wish you would help me
translate my Latin exercise" SAID John
ny Fizzietop.
81 can't do it, my son."
''Didn't your parents make you learn
Latin when you we're a boy z"
mo, Johnny, they did not make me
learn Latin"
'What good parents you must have
had. wish mine were that way. -
1eloa SJtings
BUSINESS CAPACITY.
"You say that Robinson is a smart
young man z"
eyes, he is a fellow of splendid busi-
ness attainments."
GLOW do you know that He's not
in any business and never has been"
That's all right. 1 know he is a
good business man, because five years
ago his father died and left him for
tune of $4,000, and he's got over half
Of it left"
AN UNEARNED REPUTATION.
Featherly was blowing his tea to cool
1t off while Bobby regarded him with
intense interest.
Whats the matter, Robert ~ said
the old man. "Don't you know that it
is very impolite to stare at person in
that way? %
Huh 2" responded Bobby. "You
SAID he was the biggest blower in town.
He can't blow any harder'n l can"
ANYTHISG FOR A QUIET LIFE.
A man desirous of leading a quiet
life might go to Belfast for month or
two. Onesaay the mob dubbed party
returning fTefn' a wedding, next day
they assaulted a christening party and
tie day after that they stoned a funeral.
You see, after a man lived in Belfast
couple of months any other place in the
world would seem quiet as a graveyard
to ohim.-BURDETTE
SHE WAS RELIABLE.
A female of an uncertain age was
asked by a census taker:
"How old are you, Madam ?"
"Thirtg years" she replied.
"That's what you told me last census,
ten years ago"
s'Well, Pm not one of the kind of
who tell one story one time and
another story another time. "-Zscas
Sytings.
GRAND.
Chicago Man-Suppose you saw all
here was to be seen in Rome, Charley 2
etu ned European Traveller - Oh,
yes: went all around. | tell you, you
ought to visit the amphitheatre there.
It's grand.
Chicago Man-What kind of a show
we're they giving there when you went,
Charley ?-1Sd Bits.
SPEAKING FIRST.
Willie hington-Wouldn't it be
1ice if we could stroll together this way
always
Miss Hunter This is so sudden, Mr.
You had better speak to
mamma.
Willie F.-Yes; but, say, hadn't 1
better speak to my mother first 2-Ihe
Rambler.
WON'T CRIME.
A temperance paper SAYS that ga
birds eve view from Trinity sire, New
York, would disclose 16, 900 saloons in
,ight-12, 600 in New York and 1000
in Jersey City, Newark and Paterson"
But does it suppose for Il moment that
would be fool enough TO climb
% the top of that steeple to look for a
saloon
TOO GENEROUS.
Young Mother-Bless his little heart.
He's the sweetest baby ever came from
he skies. / believe all the angels have
howered HIM with gifts.
Young Pa Well, | wish Gabriel
hadn't given him his trumpet for voice
-OmGh0 World.
WHAT HE GOT.
Old Jew Now, Isaac, my leetle, dear
BOY, you preaks de glass an runs away
mighty quick Den l hollers "Glass
an gets pig job.
Young Boy-But vat viii get
Old Jew-You2 Wy, you get der ex-
q else. --Ju8ge.
PUT HIS FOOT IN 1T.
He--You are the only college girl
ever liked.
She Why, how so
He-Oh, the Others know so much. -
ODDS AND ENDS.
ToDD COUNTY has voted against liquor.
kentucky is full of paradOXCs.
A TOURIST without money is a tramp.
\ tramp who has money is a tourist.
UNCLE SAM is not dude, but he has
seal ring on his hands in Alaska. 1t is
N expensive decoration, too.
''See that girl over there trying to
nash me, " said Jones to Brown. "Well,
he's losing her time trying to mash
-Ou," replied Brown. You're soft
enough already"
OLD HACKENsACK- There, Sir! There's |
nv daughters picture! Isn't she a |
Young MISUNDERSTANDING !
beautiful face. She resembles her |
mother, presume.
"CoLTs are just like children" said a
veil known citizen who was driving a
handsome colt yesterday; 'you begin to
ght 'em when they're young, and you
nay fight 'em as long as they live"
A CITIZEN, scared by Wigginss earth
uake predictions, sent his two half
rown boys to a friend in the country.
\ few days later the friend wrote him:
Dear Sir: Please take your boys back
nd send us the earthquake"
FIRST Little King-"What's the mat
er in Bulgaria2" Second Little King
Prince Alexander has been deposed."
Was he given any warning?" mo" |