davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

facing the boy Bill and his Kate, who
had the drop on them. Meantime u
courier had gone to town for a license
and preacher, and after nearly two
hours, during which time Bill and
Kate never took their eyes off the old
man and Sam and threatened to kill
either should he raise a hand, the
preacher and license arrived.
During the ceremony the BRIDE
groom kept his rifle ut half-cock
pointing toward his her.in-law.
The preacher was so afraid they would
open hostilities while he was there
that he could scarcely finish the cere-
mony. After the marriage the old
man delivered terrible curse on
both, said he would spare their lives
now, provided they never set foot in
Matagorda county. "If you do"
said he, as he shook his long, dirty,
yellow locks and violently struck his
rifle with one hand, "if you do, you're
both on you dead as soon as you cross
the line, for when I'm gone Sam he's
there. You got the whole world be-
fore you 'cept Matagorda county.
Now go!" With this philippe the
old man and son departed forlorn,
while Bill pulled down the flap Of the
tent.-Columbia (Texas) Dispatch to
Chicago Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Not many days ago the new post
master was attending funeral out at
Evergreen cemetery. The grief of
one Of the bystanders was noticed to
be excessive. His sorrow took him
all around that grave. He didn't
stop moving, still weeping most unc-
tuously, until he found himself at the
foot of the mound and just to the left
of Mr.. English. Then he got time to
say, between his sobs:
'Mr. English, this is sad--very sad"
"Yes, It is" was the reply.
"What a loss it is to his family,
Mr.. English"
at is very severe blow, indeed"
The ice was broken. The climax
came like a shct to the astonished
postmaster.
"Mr. English, couldn't YOU
couldn't you find me a place in the
postofiice when Sperry gets out-I'm
Democrat, you know.-New Haven
News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
Sam Jones Stories.

Two ministers, one Of whom is a
great admirer of Sam Jones, while the
other is not, were talking about the
great sin fighter not long since, when
the minister who admires Sam so ar
IDENTIFY said
"By the way, did you ever hear
Mr.. Jones turn story?"
II don't know that ever did," re-
piled the other.
swell, Mr.. Jones tells of married
couple with half dozen children
and"
"Say! hold on" said the other,
"I've heard that story, and if you'll
permit me I'll tell you one of much
later date"
Gall right, said Jones admirer
somewhat chagrined at the Interrupt
ton, ego ahead.'
swell, my story runs in this way !:
In the beginning God created the
heavens and the earth. And the
earth was without form and void,
an"
Here the other, seeing the drift Of
things, broke in with:
"Oh stuff and nonsensep
"Well," was the rejoinder, "you can
call it stuff and nonsense, if you like
and while it is true that I'll have to
admit that Jones story has greatly
the advantage of mine in point of
age, you'll have to admit that mine is
better authenticated and much fresh
er."-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07


Bob Burdette thus relates very
funny incident which occurred when
he was city editor of the Peoria
Transcript:
There was little item crept into
the paper one day to the effect that
Mr.. Michael Hennessy, or O'Hooli-
han, or somebody else, had been ar
rested for playfully coming home
drunk, knocking the trusting Mrs.
Hennessy, or O'Hoolihan, or whoever
she was, down with a coal bucket and
then walking on her person. News
was rather scarce, and as the citizen
wasn't connected with the police or
fire departments either Individually
or by relationship, and had no politi-
cal influence, and there were dollars
to cents that he would get six months
for it, l gave him thunder. l pictur-
ed the defenceless and frail little
woman trembling and pleading be-
fore the big, ugly brute who had
promised to love, cherish and protect
her and all that, and intimated that
he ought to get at least two years for
it and that it was a pity that the laws
about hanging were so stringent in
the State. 1t was a good item and l
got up earlier than usual the next
day to read it. About ten o'clock
that night, as l was alone in the office,
the door was opened and a big red
headed man, with only one eye, came
in. He didn't have on any coat and
his flannel shirt was open at the neck
and his shirt sleeves were rolled up,
showing hand and arm that looked
like ham. He wanted to know if |
wrote the article. told him no, that
the author was out of town and would
not be back for two years. was
only a clerk down stairs swell,
where is the eddytor thin?" he de-
manded. An idea struck me. The
foreman of the paper was pow
erful great big man, standing six feet
two or three in his stocking-feet. He
was an ugly, irritable fellow when at
work, and suffered badly. "Well,"
said /, "Mr. O'Hoolihan, / can show
you the editor, and led the way up
into the composing room in the third
story. The foreman was just making
up the inside forms and was behind
time. He had a big mallet in his
hand when pointed him out to Mr..
O'Hoolihan. "There." said /, "is the
man who is responsible for everything
that goes into the paper" Mr.,
O'Hoolihan walked across to him,
and with his finger pointing to the Of
Tending article, said: "Phwat in
did we go to putin that koind of a
piece in the paper about me for?'
The foreman glanced at it an instant,
then looking up said quietly: "H-h-
how d-did y-you c-come up?" II
came up the stairs beyant," replied
Mr.. O'Hoolihan, throwing up his
guard. "W-well DIDO y-you want to
60 d-down that w-way, or y-you want
me to throw you out of the window,
- your" yelled the foreman, rails
ing his mallet. 1t took Mr.. O'Hooli-
han to size up the state of affairs and
then said: "Well, bedad, Oi think
I'll take the stairs" and he did, and
that was the last 1 saw of him. You
see, the Justice had let him off with
fine.-Pittsburg Leader.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
CONSTIPATION!

There Is no medium through which
disease 80 often attacks the system
as by Constipation, and there is no
other Ill flesh is heir to, more apt to
be neglected. from the fact material
inconvenience may not be Immediate
ly felt from irregular action Of the
bowels. When there Is not regular
action, the retention OF decayed and
effete, matter, with its poisonous
gases, soon poisons the whole system
BY being absorbed into it, causing
piles, fistula, headache, impure blood
and many other serious affections.
BURD0CK BLOOD BTTTERS will
Immediately relieve, and one bottle
positively cure or relieve any case
Of Constipation.
WAS troubled for q year with
torpid liver and indigestion, and aftsr
trying everything Imaginable, used
BURD0CK BLOOD BIfTERS. . The
first bottle revived me and the second
cured me entirely."-J.S. Williamson.
Rochester. N. Y.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

The FnEE PREss is pure family newspaper that
your wife and children can read without injury to
their morals. It is an educator, and, in order 70
keep up with the industrial scientific and literary
life Of the day, every family should take it.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Of what religious sect are birds !?
-Nest-orians.
Why should secret not be told in
the presence of birds because they
are all tail-bearers.
Why are rats like railway termini !?
Because they are roads-ends.
What is the most unwholesome fish
lady can eat? The make-her-ill.-
London Fun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

"My DEAR" observed Mrs. Snaggs
last night as she looked up from the
paper, II often see references to BIZ
metalists."
eyes," replied Snaggs.
"What is bi-metallist?"
"a scrap-iron dealer is buy-met-
alist."
20, 10 be sure. Why didn't /
think of that ?"-Pittsburgh Chron-
icle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

"Is that sailor intoxicated "Well,
/ wouldn't swear to it, but he looks
as if he had just doubled Cape Horn"
Boston Budget.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

A Pennsylvania woman named her
twin daughters Gasolene and Kero-
sene.-Ex.
The father of the family is proba-
bly, old Pete Roleum.-Boston Com
mercial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Planter: "That's vicious look
ing mule you've got there, Pompey."
Pompey: dat mewel, sab? Dat
mewel am one oh de wondahs OBJ de
world"
Planter: "One Of the wonders of
the world?"
Pompey: "Yes, sab. Dat mewel
spilled me outen de wagon yessirday."
Planter: "Is that why you call
him one of the wonders of the world ?"
Pompey: "Yes, sab. Pompey's
spiller, you know. Hahl hah Gid
long dar."-Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

"He called me an ass" exclaimed
an over-dressed, excited dude. "Well
you amt one," soothingly replied
friend, "you are only clothes-horse."
IN. Y. Independent.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Bill Simpson is an engineer on the
International 4 Great Northern rail-
road. He was off duty at Austin a
few days ago. He met Judge Peter
by with whom he is acquainted.
81 say. Judge, wish you would do
me favor"
"I'll do it"
"It will be appreciated by all the
engineers OH the international 4 Great
Northern Railroad"
what can do for you allr
"Please don't hang around the de-
pot when the trains are coming in.
They are everlastingly. mistaking your
red nose for danger signal, and IL
confdses them."- "-Tcxas Sinings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Aged suitor: 81 shall love you as
long as l live." Young lady: "That
will not suffice. / want some one
who will love me as long as l live."
-Fliegende Blatter.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
HOW TO USE
Cream Balm

Place n particle OF
the Balm into each
nostril & draw strong
breaths through the
nose. IL viii be alb
sorbcd and begin it<
work Of cleansing and
healing the diseased
membrane. It allays
Inflammation and pre-
vents fresh colds.
Not q Liquid or Snun,
A few applications re-
lfevc. A thorough
treatment sciU cure,
Agreeable 10 use. Send
for circular. Price %
cents, by mail or ai
druggists.
- ELY BRoTHE1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

PArEn FoR EVERY DAY IN THE yEAn.
PRICE, $500 A YEAR, or is CENTS A WEEK.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

They were arguing about the USE
fulness of using tobacco.
"What would you think, sir" said
the minister impressively, "if you
met an angel coming down the street
with cigar in his mouth Z"
what" retorted the sinner, "would
you think if you saw one in plug
hat and pair of ear miffs coming
up the street ?"-Lowell Citizen.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

There is generally an eff in the
way. Frequently the sher-iff.-Pitts-
burgh Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

"Who shall decide when doctors
disagree ?" Alas sometimes the
undertaker.-Lifc.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

80 you've been out to the Pacific
coast, eh !! Did you see the great
gorge of the Colorado p II th-think
so. At least, out at Cheyenne / saw
a buck Indian eat six pounds of bo-
logna sausage, half box of crackers
and nineteen herring without grunt.
How is that for gorge ?"-Hotel
Gazette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Mamma, with much show of indig-
nation: 81 have called you three
times. am very much annoyed"
Charles, who is fond of bible stories:
"Well, the Lord called Samuel three
times, and He didn't get mad about
it, did Hei-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
WIT AND HUMOR.

A home ruler-lhe broom-stick.-
Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

A real masher-King mob.-Lon-
don Moonshine.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Mrs. Bags: "What a terrible
fall your father got yesterday, Har-
old; do you know what the doctor
called it"
Harold, engrossed in fractions ::
"Yes'm; compound fractions. -
Philadelphia Record.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Drawing instruments--mustard
plasters.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

A base ball pitcher doesn't always
know how to pitch his voice.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Signs of the spring-bull frogs and
other croakcusses.-Boston CONNER
cial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

Silent matches-weddings between
deaf mutes.-London Funny Folks.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
Detroit, Bay City & AIpena R.R
Time Table No. 6.

All trains run by the Ninetieth Meridian on Gen.
tral Standard time.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07
MICHIGAN CENTRAL

The Niagara Falls Route.
Arrival and departure OF trains noted below as
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

TRAINS ooIEo SOUTH. TRAINS ooISo NORTH.
Mail and Express. Mail and Express.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-04-07

And all other kinds of News and interesting Mis-
cellany that men and women of intelli-
gence want TO read.
, 1886-10-05

1t is very absurd to near English speak
ing people still saying the old French
word chic, ten years after any French per-
son OF taste has left of its use. 1t would
be bad enough to Anglicize the word and
use 1t ms if il were ones W language.
but it is simply ridiculous to add ~as they
say in France or "as the the French say
The French don't say chic. They used to,
1t is true, and in the time of the empire
the word was upon everbody's lips. The
Empress Eugene and all of her belong
ings were chic. 1t is a pretty, snappy lit
tie syllable, and fashionable people took
it up in Egland and America, and, in thus
country at least. they cling to it with a
tenaci;y worthy of a better cause. No
Partisan says chic nowadays. A person
now may have a great deal OF cach-t,
but 1t Is thought as bad form TO say chic
in Paris as IL is to say "genteel' In Boston
or style in London.
TIL words OF fashion wear ont easily,
like chenille fringe, and each generation
of gilded youth must choose its own
term. Adjectives of admiration pail as
easily. 1t is now almost insulting TO
speak OF a girl as an Intelligent and ami
able young lady" and half a century ago
real life, and therefore novels, teemed
with such expressions about the lacka-
daisical creatures who tainted away in
every other chapter. Now the charming
girl" is AT her hight and in the aid Of
her glory. Doubtless In ten years to come
charming and "lovely" will nave quiet
lost their present popularity, and the girl
Of the future Will be rRved about by some
unworn word descriptive of the superior
qualities which she Will inh srit from the
girl Of to-day. Boston Record.
, 1886-10-05
Pleuro

CHICAGO, Oct. At is learned this
evening. that at a later session of the
board, james Lynch, Of the Shufeldt dis
tillery, proposed to the commission that
owners be allowed to remove their cattle,
if found to be imperfect in health. The
commissioner then rendered n decision
which will set stockyaris people By the
horns. 1t was declared that, if upon
anti-mortem examinations, an owners
cattle were to be declared sound, the
own + could take them out and slaughter
them. Then a post norton would be
held by inspectors, authorized by the
commission, and if no disease was found,
the owner could do what he liked with
the meat. sell it, or destroy it, as he
chose. This is exactly what the stock
yards officials and business firms say will
ruin their business, and what they %particu-
larly protest against. Secretary johnson
is reported as saying:
There is no reason why the state or
government should pay Tor healthy cattle
aud destroy them. The law itself is
against it. The stockyards people are
only interested in destroying the meat,
want healthy animals destroyed,
their only course is to destroy them.
Two cows were found dead in the
Phoenix distillery to day and two more
new cases Of sickness were developed.
, 1886-10-05
The Coming Struggle.

BERLIN, Oct. 4.-The ~ewspape an
nounce that the reichstag will meet Nov.
Is. An exciting session is expected over
the governments demand that credit for
military purposes shall be effective in
times of peace for an indefinite period
instead of as heretofore for, seven wears.
The Liberals, who have always considered
a seven year credit excessive. and have
wanted it reduced to three years. will
oppose the government.
The authorities are redoubling their
efforts for the repression of socialism, and
are taking special steps to prevent the
spread Of socialistic doctrines in the army.
Orders have been issued that workmen
employed at barracks must be furnished
with a permit indicating the particular
door by which they shall enter and leave,
and in all cases they will be watched by a
squad of soldiers to prevent their holding
communication with the troops.
Socialists have made a great stride at
Chemnitz, where they have obtained the
election of three members of their party
to the chamber of commerce. This Is the
first time the socialists have elected any of
their number to the chamber of commerce.
The Chemnitz board OF trade has de-
cided to ask the government to ~endeavor,
by diplomacy. to remove the detrimental
effect Of United States Consul Tanners
reports regarding the tricks of the Chem
nitz manufacturers, Chemnit9 being
greatly dependent upon its exports to
America
, 1886-10-05
An Important peclslon.

PITTsBURG, Oct. 4.-In the state SUI
preme court, which met here to day,
Justice Gordon decided that the store
order system, under the a It of June 20,
1881, was unconstitutional and void. mas
much as by it persons are prevented from
making their own contracts. In his opin
ion. Judge Gordon says THE act is an
infringement alike of employer and en-
ploye, and it is an insulting attempt to
put the laborer under legislative turelage,
which is not only degra ling to his man
hood, but subservient to his rights as a
citizen OF the United States.
A decision was rendered in the case of
Gadchaids 4 Co., versus Frank Weigman.
OF Northumberland county. The judy
ment of the lower court was reversed. and
a new trial ordered. The decision has
caused a great deal OF in labor
circles to-day. Thomas A.. Armstrong, Of
the Labor Tribune, advises every labor
organization in the state to make a de-
termined fight against the store order sys
tenn. John Costello, president of the
Pittsburg Miners Association, said
This decision will be startling news
to the miners. They must necessarily
begin a warfare against the pernicious
system.
, 1886-10-05

BELFAST, Oct. 4-The commissioner
appointed to investigate the cir,umstan.
ces causing and attending the recent riots,
met to day. All the barristers engaged
to attend the investigation excepting two
insisted on an adjournment for a few
minutes, fifteen at least, in order to de-
eide on what course to adopt. Justice
Day refused to grant an adjournment, say
ing it would be a waste of time. The
Justice then, despite the protests of the
barristers, proceeded to examine the wit
nesses, whereupon the barristers present
rose and left the court room in a process
sion, taking their bags. briefs and books
with them. Several solicitors, priests
and Orangemen interested in the %investi-
CATION, followed the barristers. Barris-
ter O~'Shaughuessy said he was indignant
at Justice Days conduct. and added:
THE Irish bar is not used to such treat
ment.
, 1886-10-05

HARTFORD. Oct. 1.-THE annual town
election throughout the state took place
to day. The vote was light. The returns
indicate no material change. About half
the towns in the state have voted no
license.
NEW York, Oct. to night a fight
occurred among the cowboys on the Wild
West ranch, on Staten island. One of
the cowboys was killed. The names of
those concerned in/the affair have not
been learned.
ST. PAUL. Oct IA Winnipeg sne-
cial to the Pioneer Press says; Some days
ago a custom officer at Lithbridge, in
Macleod district, seized a herd Of 1900
cattle belonging to the Northern Montana
Cattle company. and regularly in transit
for Chicago via the Canadian Pacific,
being unacquainted with that system OF
shipping American cattle. He finally
accepted the cattle company's bond for
$4,000, and allowed the cattle to be
shipped. The Canadian Pacific has taken
the matter up, and his action will be in
vestigated.
CHARLESTON, Oct. / President Cleve-
land has sent $50 to the confederate home,
accompanied by a sympathetic letter.
DETROIT. Oct. Cen. Mark Flana-
gan. the organizer and lieutenant colonel
of the 9th regiment Of Michigan troops,
who were known as the Iron Brigade, "
died TO night. aged 81
WASHINGTON. Oct. Auditor VIII
liams, Of the treasury, has brought suit
against the sureties ofthc late t. Bumeis
ter. pension agent of Philadelphia, in
1867. for a deficit of Sl7.OOO in his ac-
, 1886-10-05
SPARKS FROM THE WIRES.

A slight earthquake WA felt at San
Francisco.
The president has resumed his after
noon receptions.
The Virginia tobacco crop has been sori-
ously injured by frost.
Attorney General Garland has resumed
charge OF the department of Justice.
Russia and Germany reject Austria $
suggestion Of a conference to settle Bull
garian affairs.
All but six of the officers arrested for
completely in the Bulgarian mutiny have
been released.
The tenth annual convention of the
Knights of Labor is in open session at
Richmond, Va.
Charleston has experienced a total of
thlrty.eight shocks Of earthquake, includ-
ing slight tremors
The governor of Missouri has proclaimed
quarantine against cattle from Illinois,
Indiana, Ohio and Quebec.
The September fire loss for the United
States and Canada was $500, 600, a slight
decrease from the average for that month.
Gladstone has received a deputation of
Irish ladies bringing q petition for home
rule with 500, 900 signatures. to be pre-
scented to parliament.
Col. Decevoise, late chief clerk in the
stamp department of the Brooklyn post
Office, is now believed to be a defaulter
and to have committed suicide.
The non-arrival of the steamship An
choria Of the Anchor line, overdue from
Glasgow, with 450 passengers, cause
considerable apprehension at New York
Christopher Meyer. a New York mul
tiple millionaire, aged IS, has been suet
for breach of promise by Miss Annett
Schuenk, whose affections are valued Al
800. OO0.
A fearful accident occurred on th,
Canada Pacific, us miles east of Winni
peg, on Sunday. Five cars were badly
wrecked by falling through a t~restle
and afterwards burned. Only the sleep
ing coach escaped.
The general distribution of the new one
dollar silver certificates has commenced
and will be continued until the demand,
which is very great, has been fully sup
Piled. The notes are being printed at the
rate of $50, 900 day.