The National tribune., 1886-09-09
CURIOUS FEATURES OF AC-
TUAL LIFE.
Great Sage on Marriage-Brother Gardner OF the
Lime Kiln Club Tells All About It.
IDotrod Free Pressl

Lime Kiln Club Tells All About It.
[DotrOl Free Press.l
"Brudder Amibad Cantilever," said Brother
Gardner, 1T am reported dat you am about to
take unto yerself wife. Dat de report am
true your recent ackshuns am proof. You has
been seen pricin' secondhand stoves. squintin'
at fO dollar bedroom sweets, an rustlin around
arter bric-a-brac. Marriage am muffin you
need be ashamed OF, an / reckon you kin de-
pend on dis club to warm up de house for you
an leave behind some hard -bottomed cheers an
a few articles of tinware.
"Brudder Cantilevcr marriage am a lottery
or dead sure thing-just as you make il. IL
you glt stuck on sight-fall in Inv wild gal for
small feet taperin' waist, dimpled chin, or
warbin' mouf-an' marry her of hand at about
twelve weeks notis, you needn't be astonished
If dar am a dynamite sploshun afore you hev
bin hitched a week. Small feet an good tenn
per dOan' allus 90 together. Slim waists an
kitchen economy may not work in the same
harness. DE gal who charms you by the way
she drums de pianner may fatty refuse, as
wife, 10 run dem same fingers ober de washbo'd.
Firstly, dOan' git married until you know what
you are bein' jined TO- Study dc gal. Let de
feet go an watch her temper Let de bangs 20 an
watch her economy. Nebber you mind about
de way she dimples her chin, but ak yerself if
she'll make de bed wild de foot lower dan de
head. You has got TO do all de studyin'. Not
one gal out Of thousand eber stops to size up a
luver. Ii his Grecian nose or curly hair or
droopin' monstache strikes her fancy she'll neb-
Der stop 10 study his natur' nor TO worry over
his habits. She is marryin' dat nose, or head,
or moustache. month arter marriage when
he hauls her aroun' by de hair an slaps her
dimpled jaw she's perfectly astonished TO think
she made such a mistake
Secondly, Brudder Cantilever. arter de knot
has BIN tied, make up yer mind dat de fucher
won't be all plain saIlin'. You are gwine 10 be
tried an tested an trubbled, an you hev got to
call up all yer manhood. You will h'ar de sasser
scrapin' dc bottom of de -four barl when you
heven't got cent in yer pocket. De wood pile
will run out in Jinuary, an de sugar an bacon
will seem 10 be carried of by de rats IL yer
wife am cher so good natured she will hev her
trials an tribulashuns, an dar may be times
when she'll riz up an claw fur you. In de
Vars gone by my ole woman has rushed upon
me wild de rollin' pin, an has retorted in a
way to make her ears ache. but all de time
knOwed she was savin' an good hearted an
she knowed I'd empty my pockets of de las
shllln' TO buy her a new set of false friZZcs. If
you am suited To each odder an occashunal row
in dc family will prove a stickin' plaster to hold
you de cluSser together. If you amt suted-if
you diskiver dat you hev struck patch of Can
ada thistles an can't sOt still, an if de odder
party diskivers dat she has taken a tumble OFF de
monument of Romance an brought up wild a
thud in de mudhole of Reality, you jist ub-
squatulate apart. Go quietly an decently an
git onhitched by divorce, an let dc wisdom
gained by experience STAN at your right hand
when We make anoder choice Brudder Canti-
lever, my feelins an de feelins oh dis club am
wild We, an our good wishes, togedder wild at
least - worth or tinware, kin be counted on
whenever ls-frr1f uccTsnum Hrru~eSn