News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-30
NOT NECESSARILY AGAINST HIM.

81 will add" concluded the young
Fman, who was applying for a situation,
THAT l am college graduate"
''Oh, that won't make any difference, ,
was the reassuring reply, ''if you stick
to your work, and, besides, we want
somebody about the place who is strong
enough to carry in coal"
NO MORTALITY LISTS.
Noted Baseball Captain-Yes, 1t has
been remarkable season on account OF
the very few accidents. Only one base
ball player has been killed this year.
Waggish Bystander-How about the
umpires?
"Oh, we don't keep any tally of them. >
BETTER MIND THE DOCTOR.
Patient-What do you think of O
warmer climate for me, Doctor2
Doctor-Great Scott! man, isn't that
just what l am trying to save you from
ODDS AND ENDS.
THE next war with Canada on the
fishery question seems to be about over.
SPEAKING of farming, nobody ever
heard of a hen complaining of poor
crop.
IT is good time now to resolve to be
better business man and to secure trade
by advertising.
MANY run about after felicity like an
absent minded man looking for his hat,
which is on his head.
THE Brooklyn Bridge begins to think
it is only board bill, because so many
dead beats are jumping it.
MAMMA-Frankie, are you eating those
green apples againG" Frankie-No,
mamma; I'm eating some Others.
DID it ever occur to you what funny
thing a postage stamp is Even the
department can't sell it after they cancel
it.
AFTER much research and investiga-
tion we are convinced that boarding
house chickens are hatched from hard
boiled eggs.
MANY a young man who has been too
bashful to propose to girl has had her
father come into the parlor at II o'clock
and help him out.
A CHICAGO man became so engrossed
his wedding day. He explained that
it was his first base act.
1NEBRIATED Farty-I shay, mister,
how fur is it to Canal street. Citizen
Twenty minutes walk. Inebriated Party
For you or-hic-fo' me2
THE most annoying thing about an
earthquake is that you don't know it is
III
you begin to compare notes.
THE Philadelphia North american re-
fers to the Niagara whirlpool as the
''angriest bit of water in the world" 1t
certainly has had enough to make it
angry lately.
A RELENTING father recently signifed
his desire for reconciliation with the
family prodigal by the following curt
telegram: "Mr. -, Pueblo, Col. The
veal spread is ready when you are"
''Is THIS trunk ine9" asked the
summer girl at the railway station
"No," replied the ticket agent, sit is a
branch" "Oh, I'm so sorry, for
wanted to take four trunks along with
me"
In Philadelphia. Miss Highsociety-
"Would be pleased to have you bring
Mr.. Van Kupper of New York to calll
First tell me about his family" Mr..
Montrose-"Oh, they ere all we'll when
he left"
IT is on record that one of the most
celebrated of the old Scottish judges
really said to a prisoner found guilty of
some serious criminal offence: 'If ye
wad do it,,when We were drunk whit wad
ye no do if ye were sober ?''
GENTLMAN-I bought ticket here
about half an hour ago, and you made
mistake in my change. Ticket Agent
(stifly)-We don't make mistakes here,
sir. Gentleman-Ah! as you gave me
$40 too much, l supposed 1t was mis-
take. Good day.
On the piazza of one of the White
Mountain hotels little girl stood look
ing with wondering eyes toward Mount
Lafayette. 'Have you ever seen any
before9" asked a guest. The
child looked up and in an apologetic
tone replied, "Only the Rockies"
A Mrs. TAYLOR of near Apralachi-
cola, Fla, recently dubbed an eighty
four pound bear to death 1t is safe to
assume that when Mrs. Taylor tells her
husband to be in the house before ten
o'clock he is in, no matter now interest
ing the political discussion down at the
corner grocery may be.
THE RurGl Neao Yorker condemns the
practice of scraping the trunks of fruit
trees, as some people do. We never
heard of anything quite SO small as that.
We have known farmers so mean that
they sol off all the fruit, leaving none
at all for the family to eat at home, but
to scrape the trunks of the trees after
wards goes little ahead of anything
we ever read about. Do tley make the
into Jelly 2