Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-01-28
THE EMPEROR NERO.
Bill Nye Chats Gracefully About tho An
cient Fiddler-How Nero Pun
ished Offensive Partisan

THE EMPEROR NERO.
Bill Nye Chats Gracefully About tho An
cient Fiddler-How Nero Pun
ished Offensive Partisan
ship.
Nero, who was Roman emperor
from 81 to 6S A. D., was said to have
been one of the most disagreeable mon-
archs to meet that Rome ever had. He
was nephew of Caligula. the emper-
or. on his mothers side, and son of
Dominitius Ahenobarbus. OF st. Law
renee county. The above was really
Nero's name, but in the year so A.
ID. his mother married Claudius, and
her son adopted the name of Nero
Claudius Cesar Drusus Germanicus.
This name he was in the habit of wear
ing during the cold weather, buttoned
up in front During the hot weather
Nero was all the name he wore.
In 53 Nero married Octavia, daugh-
ter OF Claudius, and went right to
housekeeping. Nero and Octavia did
not get along first-rate. Nero soon
wearied of his young wife, and finally
transferred her to the New Jerusalem.
In 81 Nero's mother, by concealing
the rightful heir to the throne for sew
eral weeks and doctoring the returns,
succeeded in getting the steady job of
emperor for Nero at good salary.
His reign was quite stormy, and sew
eral long, bloody wars were carried on
during that period. He was good,
vicarious fighter, and could success
fully hold mans coat all day while
the man went to the front to get kill
ed. He loved to 60 out riding over
the battle-tields, as soon as it was safe,
in his gorgeously bedizened band char
lot, and he didn't care if the wheels
rolled in gore up to the hub. providing
1t was some other mans gore. 1t gave
him great pleasure to drive over the
field of carnage and gloat over the
dead. Nero was not o great emperor,
but as gloater he has no rival in his
tory.
Nero's reign was characterized, also,
by the great contlagration and fire.
works of July, GA. by which two-thirds
of the city of Rome was destroyed.
The emperor was charged with start
ing this fire in order to get the insur-
ance on stock of dry goods on Main
street.
Instead of taking off his crown,
hanging it up in the hall. and helping
to put out the fire, as other emperors
have done time and again. Nero took
his violin upstairs and played IN
Meet You When the Sun Goes Down"
This occasioned great deal of adverse
criticism on the part of those who OPP
posed the administration. Several
persons openly criticised Nero's policy
and then died.
A man in those days would put on
his overcoat in the morning, and tell
Il am going downtown to criticise the
emperor few moments" he would
say. If do not get homo in time
for dinner, meet me ON the evergreen
shore"
Nero, after the death of Octavia,
married Poppaa Sabina. She died
afterward ut her husbands earnest So
licitation. Nero did not care SO much
about being bridegroom, but the ex-
element of being a widower always
gratiticd and pleased him.
he was a very Jealous monarch, and
kept Rome pretty well stirred up dur
ing his reign. If man failed to show
up anywhere on time, his friends would
look sadly at each other and say:
.'Alas! he has criticised Nero"
A man could wrestle with the yellow
fever, or the smallpox, or the Asiatic
cholera, and stand a chance for recov-
cry, but when he spoke sarcastically
of Nero it was good-by, John.
When Nero decided that man was
an offensive partisan that man would
generally put up the following notice
on his office door:
Gone to see the emperor in relation
to charge of offensive partisanship.
Meet me at the cemetery at o clock"
Finally, Nero overdid this thing and
ran it into the ground. He did not
want to be dislikcd. and those who dis
liked him were killed. This made peo-
pie timid, and muzzled the press good
deal.
The Roman papers in those days
were all on one side. They did not
| dare to be fearless and outspoken for
fear that Nero would take out his ad.
| So they would confine themselves to
"The genial and urbane Afranius
Burrhus had painted his new and re-
cterche picket fence last week." or,
Our enterprising fellow-townsman.
Cesar Kersikes, will remove the tail
| of his favorite bulldog next week, if
the weather should be suspicious, or,
''Miss Agrippna Bangoline, eldest
daughter of Romulus Bangoline, the
great Roman rinkist, will teach the
school at Eupatorium, Trifoliatum
oil h. = L., xt.t
accomplished young lady, and good
spcller."
Nero got more and more fatal as he
grew older. and finally the Romans be-
| gan to wonder whether he would not
wipe out the empire before he died.
His back yard was full all the time of
people who had dropped in to be kill
ed, so that they could have it off their
! minds.
Finally, Nero himself yielded to the
great strain that had been placed upon
him, and, in the midst of an insurrec-
ton in Gaul, Spain. and Rome itself,
he fled and killed himself
The Romans were very grateful for
Nero's great browning act in the kill
ing line, but they were dissatisfied be-
cause he delayed it so long, and there
fore they refused to erect tall monu-
ment over his remains. While they
admired the royal suicide, and regard
ed 1t as success, they censured Nero s
negligence and poor judgment in sui
Gliding at the wrong end of his reign.
| have often wondered what Nero
would have done if he had been emper-
or of the United States for few weeks
and felt as sensitive to newspaper criti-
cisms as he seems to have been.
Wouldn't it be n picnic to see Nero
cross the Jersey ferry to kill off few
journalists who had adversely criti-
cised his coursep Tho great violin yir-
tuoso and lightweight Roman tyrant
would probably go home by return
mail, wrapped in tinfoil. accompanied
by note Of regret from each journal
list of New York, closing with the re-
mark that ''in the midst of life we are
in death, therefore now is the time to
subscribe. y Utica Observer.
A Story of Pedro the Cruel.