The Osceola times., 1886-06-19
THE DEADLY UMBRELLA.
Need of n School where Women May
Learn TO Carry 1t Properly.

Learn 10 carry IL Properly
Awoman in Boston wants to establish
Q school to teach women art. and to that
end she is writing letters to the newspa-
pers calling on the people to subscribe
money at once. Without wishing TO be
considered as antagonistc to the intel
lectual advancement of women, we
must boldly announce that we can not
give the scheme our support, for the
reason that there are great many things
that woman stands more in need OF
knowing. than how to paint long-legged
butterflies on window shades and yellow
crockery. II an effort is made to found
a school for the purpose of teaching the
softer sex how to carry an umbrella on
the street, we will remove the surcipgle
which encircles our plethoric pocket
book and deposit fifty cents in the con-
tribution box without betraying single
tremor of excitement.
A woman wants to know this. Ever
since the umbrella was invented she has
filled the soul of man with terror every
time she appeared on crowded thor
oughfare with one of the dangerous
weapons in her hands. She holds an
umbrella directly in front of her, and
charges a crowd with the cool daring of
a Richard Ceur de Lion, and when she
dashes through it her wake is strewn
with crumpled hats, dismantled ears and
punctured eyes. Never has she been
known to turn her umbrella either TO
one side or the other in order to afford
some unfortunate head an opportunity
to dodge it, but on the contrary, it
points straight ahead like couched
lance, hurls everything to the ground
that blocks its way, and the hospital
wagon follows after it and picks up the
wounded
A training school in which women are
taught how to steer an umbrella along
a sidewalk would be great blessing to
this country, and the fruits of its teach
ing would be shown by the rapid de-
crease of the number of one-eyed men
and the gradual decline Of the trade in
glass optics aad celluloid ears.
The Government has in the interest of
humanity established commissions to
discover and stamp out the germs OF
pestilential disease, and now it should
come forward and do something to help
the people escape the fangs of the
deadly gingham umbrella. There is no
good reason Why it should not take .
lively interest in this matter and estab-
lish National training school for women
and teach them to handle the parasol or
umbrella, not as an engine of war, but
as a protection against the elements.
If the scheme is properly laid before
Congress an appropriation will surely
be secured, for the reason that the Gov
ernment can not afford to grant the
people protection against danger in one
form and refuse it in another. II Con-
gress sees fit, the scope of the National
Training School for Women can be ex-
tended to teach the future mothers OF
the Republic how to place patch on
the ground floor of a pair Of breeches so
that it will not look as if it was the
handiwork Of timer and had been
spread on with a soldering iron. We
do not want any more art schools.
There are already too many of them.
What we need is training school, and
we are willing to increase our original
subscription to a dollar right now.-N.
o. States.