New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1886-07-14

as though would burn out any secrets
with my eyes. Then, when have
made them both uncomfortable,
withdraw the screw and become pleas
antly affable.
tetAhp Isay, pleasantly, SO that's
1t, is it? You might do worse young
people. I believe in marriages, you
know-that is to say, marriages prop
erly undertaken. They are made IN
heaven, think q may here say
that some people object to that senti-
ment, though I generally give it utter
ance. Now, sir, Isay, turning to
the bridegroom, n word with you.
Let us go into the next ROOM
1'The bride pouts at this, and askes
if she cannot come with us, and being
told that it is not necessary she goes on
pouting- Then l obtain points and
Necessary details from the bridegroo ON,
after which | return to the drawing
room for the bride and the witnesses
and prepare for the necessary signing
and formality. The bride is invari-
ably nervous at this stage. Themes
phlegmatic woman | have ever seen
trembles when what call making the
declaration is commenced. Now,
Miss Smith, I begin, what is your
fathers name She always says
Mr. Smith. Nine women out of ten
think initials unnecessary. When
ask her the mothers name she gener-
ally sheds a tear. I am at loss to
know why. The mere mention OF a
mothers name is not particularly pa
thetlc, though perhapslt may be on
the eye OF marriage. | always crack
a little joke when ask the bride her
age. How old are YOU Miss Smith?'
Say. 4 know you think it very
rude Of me to ask, but you needn't be
afraid OF your minister, your doctor.
or your lawyer.
eft l have made that joke once I
have made it-let me see; twenty five
times fifty-two, zero and carry five,
one hundred and enty-ive-thirtee
hundred times, multiplied by four, the
weekly average five thousand two
hundred times. Well, out Of those five
thousand two hundred brides repre-
sented l could almost swear that
five thousand have laughed at
that joke. Inever change it. It is
hit. The bride never minds telling I'M
der those circumstances, but l have
noticed that she invariably gives her
age last birthday, and looks much an
noyed when l inscribe that of next
birthday. After that it is compara-
lively straight sailing. When the dec
laration IS at an end always say to
the bride: Now, Miss Smith, sign
your maiden name for the last time.
That makes her SO extremely nervous
that In very many cases she spills the
ink [ have made it rule to keep the
table on which these important docu-
ments are signed covered with oilcloth
When I first entered upon my official
duties | used dainty little table covers,
which imagined would appeal to the
artistic senses of the brides. Perhaps
the delicate work did so appeal, but
it never prevented the deluge OF ink,
which brought tears OF anguish to the
eyes OF my wife, who was equally fool
ish when she was married herself, but
declines to own it, The witnesses us
ually enjoy signing their names. Men
and women as a rule like to put them
selves on record everywhere. They
rejoice to be able to say: Well, you'li
find my name there The witnesses
are longer signing their names than
the bride and groom. They add
touches and put long fourishes in &C.
stacies OF calligraphy. At last when
it is over, SAY solemnly: MIR. Shocks,
give your fancee your arm and walk
into the drawing-room.' The bride
giggles, the bridegroom ambles stupid
ly along, because he imagines every
one is looking at him. l follow them
into the drawing-room.
Before the ceremony begins the
bride generally says: John, tell him
to be as quick as he can. Can't he use
a short service?' Ii she knew that l
was as DESTROYS OF returning to my Ii
brary as she was to start on her bridal
trip that injunction would never be
made. THUS arrange them in the pre-
scribed manner, OF which they are
usually blissfully ignorant. The awk-
wardness of a BRIDE and bridegroom is
phenomenal. When | say: Let the
lady stand to the gentlenan's left, it
usually takes them acouple ofminutes
to distinguish between the right and
left, and l have to literally put them
in place. Their movements seem to
be impeded, and l don't believe that
six couples out OF ten can tell their
right from their left hand five minutes
before they are married. During the
ceremony they have nothing to do, so
there is no trouble At the end, when
| say to the man Take your bride, he
looks very frequently astonished and
as though he did not understand me-
Often he seizes her hand and remains
holding it with most ridiculous energy,
apparently waiting for developments.
| have to break the spell by remark
ing mildly: THAT is all, my young
friends. You are now man and wife.
CATER the ceremony ask them to
be seated and endeavor to lead them
into conversation At first this was
most embarrassing for me, but am
quite used to it now. I generally be-
gin:
"'Now, Isuppose, Mrs. Snooks--'
"'Mrs. Snooks,; she says, how fun
ny itsounds. Am I Mrs. Shocks, John,
dear?'- coquettis to her husband.