The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1886-02-03
SCIENCE vs. BULL DOG
A New Invention for Getting Rad OF
Poets Cauyzssers, and the Ike

ffteLlDL ADEl4D-s ----- '-~A--- -
witbering contempt and fierce hz-
trzd opealv entertained by the CON-
ic editor against the aspiring poet,
whe,her Of the spring o. love-lorn
variety. The poet, In fact, would
-ee,a 70 hold the same relation 70
the conic editor as does the red tag
o. the bCll Week after week, II
tie comic editors Answer 70 cor
rssDondeuts" may be read such BIT
Ter replies az the following: w bat
ought We 70 give i0E your poem Z
Wei, teo days. we should CT
again. -Y0a should take long
courss Of Russian baths to get that
poetry out Of yoCr system Il that
doesn't succeed, Try q watery grave
Issue after issue of the comic news
paDer contains chuckliug reference
on the untimely fate which has
overlaken some poet visiting 2 comic
newspaper ofice CT teens With
dars hints e. 10 trzp-d0Ors through
which poets are hurried down into
Invster.ous depths. blood thirsty In
Situations a. 70 bulldogs who keep
watch over the editorial sanctum, OF
psr.sn.1us illusions IS to grayes
which may ere long stand IN need o.
beng kept green. The poets love
~ widow, suggessively remarks
one comic editor IL this connection,
"strews flowers over he tomb the
wilv ei.tor still keeps that bulldog
IL hiE roon
Now, II i doubtless trying to be
almost daily brought IN contact
with haggard and lank Young men
for a. such i the poet always PIC
tursd by the comic edItOr-who are
addicted 70 such habits as making
scarcely" rhyme with parsley : or
who. With a mOnOiOny that Is unde-
nlabl yire-pIovoking, rave year after
wear Of -auyel lorm-, tender dsfio-
dis" and the flowers that bloom il
the spring" SIN the sanguinary
methods confesssdlg adopted By the
comic editor can not bet be depre-
Gated by all truly Christian and
peace-loving persons; and 1t would
seem that some means by which be
might nd himself Of his perseeutors
could surely be devised without
resort beng had 10 murder, homi-
eide. and kindred crimes.
Such e means has been Afforded
by the recent invention Of Prof
GnmkoD[ Of Boston. For q long
time past It appears, the professor
has had the eve Of science, SO %
speak, turned upon the poet and
others Of bis race, and 70 his enlight'
eued mind the bulldog and the trap
door have seemed but crude and
brutal methods unworthy Of the
age. One day he came across the
story Ia 2 local newspaper OF q
merchant who had succeeded IN
Kidding himself Of the imporiunities
Ofa swarm Of female book cOnvass-
eTs By a somewhat novel and inge-
nioUs method Whenever the mer-
chant in question heard q female
voice behind him exclsiming IN
duicet strains: Won't you please
look at this beautiful illustrated
work in ninety-nine parts, only p
cents a part ?" he would suuepti-
dously loose a number Of mice deft-
ly concealed in a cage beneath MS
cesk. The success Of the scheme, It
was recorded, even surpassed ex-
pecistion. Linking this idea with
the scarecrow Of the rural districts,
Prof Grimkopf arrived az the de-
duction tina, If the unwelcome yisi-
tor could be disposed Of By a moral
instead of a physical shock a deci-
oed step IN advance would have
been attained Following out this
train Of thought, be was inspired 10
an invention which VIII indubita-
by prove Of the highest value.
This invention consists Of an ap-
paratus capable Of evolving an ap-
paration somewhat similar 10 that
which might be produced by means
Of a magic lantern and canvass.
It's workings are described as fol-
lows: A poet enters the editor 5
sanctum Ine latter concealIng his
hatred in the consciousness Of his
triumph, softly, almost unctuously,
remarks: Poet, sir2 An, pleased
TO see youi Married OF single, cir ?
IF the poet muFmurs that he is
single the comic editor forthwith
se:s IN motion an attachment on the
right hand side OF his desk, and
Immediately there appears on the
wall facing the poet the life-size fig
ure of Mr.. John /. Sullivan, In
alarmingly pugilistie attitude, with
the words emblazoned above ms
head: "The fighting editor is in.
The terror inspired by this appa "a
ton has been demonstrated TO be
fully as effective in leading to a
poets disappearance as if a trap
door were actually opened beneath
his feet.
The comic editors end is thus at.
tanned without any approach to bat
tery or bloodshed. If, on the other
hand, the poet replies that he is
married, the comic editor applies
himself 10 an attachment to the lef,
of his desk, and instantly there is
an appariiion Of a fierce mother-in-
law, with wintry and sarcastic
smile, from whose ghostly mouth
are 10 be seen issuing the words: Il
have come to pay a nice. long visit,
dear" This apparition is declared
90 be even more effective than the
preceding one In one instance in
which the test was applied, 1t was
attended by striking results. The
victim, casting one horritied glance
at the apparition, rushed precipitate-
ly toward the stairs, and, clearing
them at bound, disappeared, and,
strange to say, has never been heard
of since.
Prof Grimkopfis invention, it is
understood, is capable Of being ap-
piled to other branches of life be-
sides the comic newspaper offices,
Appsritions suitable TO protecting
the head of public department
against the pertinacious ofiice-seeker
and the merchant against the wiles
OF the book women can, it is an
nounced, be furnished on applica-