Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1886-05-30
THE DEADLY UMBRELLA.
Need OF a National Training School
for American Women.
From the Near Orleans States.

Need of a National Training School
for American Women.
From the Near Orleans States
A female crank in Boston wants to es-
tablish school to teach women art, and
TO that end she is writing letters to the
newspapers calling on the people to sub
scribe money at once. Without wishing
TO be considered as antagOnistic to the
intellectual advancement of women, we
must boldly announce that we cannot
give the scheme our support, for the rea-
son there are great many things that a
woman stands more in need OF knowing
than how to paint lOng-legged butterflies
on window shades and yellow crockery.
If an effort is made to found a school for
the purpose of teaching the softer sex
how to carry an umbrella on the street,
we will remove the surclngle which en-
relies our plethorIci pocket-book and
deposit 80 cents in the contribution box
without betraying single tremor of ex-
element
A woman wants to know this. Ever
since the umbrella was invented she has
filled the soul of man with terror every
time she appeared on a crowded thorough
fare with one of the dangerous weapons
in her hands. She holds an umbrella d-
rectly in front of her, and charges
crowd with the cool daring of a Richard
Ceur de Lion, and when she dashes
through it her wake fs strewn with crum-
pied hats, dismantled ears and punctured
eyes. Never has she been known to turn
her umbrella either to one side or the
other in order to afford some unfortunate
head an opportunity TO dodge it, but on
the contrary, it points straight ahead
like a cOuched lance, hurls everything to
the ground that blocks its way, and the
hospital wagon follows after it and picks
up the wounded.
A training school In which women are
taught how to steer an umbrella along a
sidewalk would be great blessing to
this country, and the fruits of its teach
ing would he shown by the rapid decrease
of the number of one-eYed men and the
general decline OF the trade in glass optics
and cellul0Id ears.
The government has in the interest of
humanity established commissions to dis
cover and stamp out the germs of pesti-
! LEM ial diseases, aud now it should come
forward and do something to help the pe0-
pie escape the fangs of the deadly ging-
ham umbrella. There is no good reason
why it should not take lively interest,
in this matter, and establish a national
training school for women and teach them
to handle the parasol or umbrella, not as
an engine of war, but as a protection
against the elements.
II the scheme is properly laid before
Congress an appropriation will surely be
secured, for the reason that the govern
ment cannot afford to grant the people
protection against danger in one form and
refuse it in another. If Congress sees fit.
the scope OF the National Training school
for women can be extended TO teach the
future mothers OF the Republic how to
place a patch on the ground floor of a pair
of brooches so that IL will not look as If it
was the handiworl OF timer and had
been spread on with a soldering iron
We do not want any more art schools.
There are already too many OF them. W hat
we need is a training school, and we are
willing to increase our original subscrip-
ton to dollar right now.