News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-08-12
HE Rad NO USE FOR KIDS.

in asylums till they're old enough to
take care of themselves. If it hadn't
been for a kid-weI-it might have
been"
"What?"
81 loved this kids mother. She was
a rich and beautiful widow, and l was
madly in love with her. l was actually
in fact, l had just got
to the point of putting the delicate
question. We were in the drawing
room. The kid was playing in the cor
ner. Forgetting all about that, / put
my arms fervently around the widows
waist and implanted passionate kiss
upon her lips, when the kid started up
and rushed at me- Don't you Kill my
mamma and ran. screaming into the
kitchen. calling for the servants.
That needn't have"
"What? Marry widow with child
like that! But the worst came a few
nights after. | called at the house.
There were several ladies there, and the
kid was being petted all round. OF
course the widow was all right, but that
confounded child deliberately turne1
her back. I didn't mind that, but the
mother, to be nice, said:
"'You darling child, don't you know
Mr.. -?
"'Oh, yes, said the imp, very pertly:
'oh, yes, l know you; you are the man
that bited my mamma l need not
could not describe the effect. San
HI anciSc0 Chronicle.
SETTLED THE BUSINESS.
Mccoy, when he came to Scott county,
went to work for farmer named Hit,
who had a very charming daughter,
Emma. A young man, whom Farmer
Hit had repeatedly driven from the
place continued to come around, paying
his addresses to the daughter, until
finally the father, despairing of keeping
him away by any milder means, hired
Mccoy to thrash him every time he
came near. Once or twice, or may be
more, the young man came, saw the
girl, took his thrashing, and departed.
But one day there came the end of this
sort of thing. Mccoy, returning from
town, where he had gone as driver and
escort for the daughter, approached the
father, saying:
"Well, Mr.. Hit, I've settled this
business of that young fellows coming
around here see En-"
"What do you mean?' asked the
farmer.
81 mean that he won't come any N ore,
an you can bet on it..
"Why, Mac, you haven't killed him,
have you?'' asked the farmer, fearfully.
"No. Better than that"
"Wbat then"
'I've married En-"
The od farmer few into a dreadful
rage, but Mccoy had the girl, and there
was no getting her away from him, so
Farmer Hit, like sensible man, made
the most of it, and gave his son-in law
a piece of land which he is now tilling,
while EN- minds the babies like a
dutiful ChicG % NeaoS.
SENT AWAY.
Through the coating of coal dust that
covered his face as he leaned against a
cart in a prominent coal yard, Satur-
day, could be seen an expression of
woe.
"Why so sad?" asked a wayfarer of
the disconsolate coal cart driver.
They've got a new man IN my
place"
: "What was the matter, and how did
it happen?"
"Well, it was this way: I was sit
ting in my cart yesterday while the load
was being weighed, when the boss came
out and said my services would be no
longer required"
''But there must have been some rea-
son for your discharge"
"There was" he mournfully replied
''the new man weighs seventy-tive
pounds more than l do. Cincinnati
Gazette
MISS EDITH SHOCKED THEM.
eyes," said the parson, at the tea
table. young Jordan was out drlv-
ing with Miss Popinjay tie other even
ing and his horse ran away, They were
both thrown out and the buggy was
smashed 10 pieces. 1t was a providen-
tial escape for both of them; but
can't understand how the young man
came to lose control
''He must have been driving with
one hand" fippantly suggested the
minister's eldest son, rake of boy.
''Or perhaps he had the reins around
his neck" said Edith, shy young
beauty of sixteen, with charmlngly
modest mien. And then everybody ex,
claimed IN chorus:
"Why, Edith!'
WORKING FOR DAKOTA.
"When you left Washington, were
matters favorable to Dakota?" asked q
friend of self-appointed representa-
tive, who had spent the winter at the
capital.
''When left there, Dakota's inter
ests were IN most excellent shape he
replied. 81 feel much encouraged"
''What was it that encouraged you Sc
much?"
"Why, sir, | beat the Senator from
| Missouri in six straight games of poker
and left him just about broke! Oh,
tell you we are guarding Dakota's inter
ests at Washington very closely. ."-Es
telti,ae (DakoG) Bell.
THEY SHOOK.
Albert Gall was at the shooting parl
the other day, when two gentlemen ap
preached. "Mr. Gall, , said one, 'alloV
me to introduce Mr.. Wormwood, o
Davenport. Iowa.
''What nameN
"Wormwood! was the answer
"Ah," said Mr.. Gall, ave often hearC
your name coupled with mine. Pleased
to meet you"
Gall and Wormwood! Shake.-Ea
dsanGpoIis Journal.
TO EXPOSE.
Mrs. Bagley-William, how is it tina
Boston people are so literary, so refined
SO noble and 50 celebrated?
Bagley (angIily)-T They amt. Be
cause YOUR fathers aunt was born j
Boston YOU are regular Hub worship
or. Tell me now if Boston is so great
why don't they get up big exposi
tion2
Mrs. Bagley Ctranquilly)-Perhnp'
my dear, there is nothing to expose
Phila. ca!
PICKING PEAS.
When Ethalinda DeWiggs visited he
cousins in the country last week, one c
them said:
Linda, don't you want to help m
pick peas this morning2'
"Td like to, dear, replied Ethallnda
''but | am not properly dressed 1o
picking peas"
''Why, how is that7" =.
81 forgot to bring a pea Jacket wit
me. "~-Ptttsb'Wg Chronicle 1e'egraph'