The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1886-09-09
THE DUDE AVENGED.
Queer Antics of a Brand New Nicke
Plated, Lightning-GreasedB Bicycle.

sHG DOO6 AVE EN16O.
Queer Antics of a Brand Now Nickel
Plated, Lightning-GreasedB Bicycle.
/ always did despise a dude, and
when saw one glide swiftly by on his
magnificent nickled bicycle, made up
my mind that any one could master the
art without previous preparation. I'm
mediately proceeding to put my theory
to test selected the public road for
my experiment. Expecting to take
quite a long journey filled my pockets
with crackers and cheese for refresh
ments by the way. Placing my foot on
the machine Ihopped along what con-
sidered was proper distance. and
then made spring for the saddle. My
aim was not true. | miscalculated the
distance by about foot, and lighted
upon the fore-part of the saddle with
my knees we'll braced against the
handles. The commotion that followed
could not have been greater if 1 had
touched off He'll Gate with a parlor
match. | Immediately discovered that
this particular bicycle had never been
broken to saddle. l wasn't clear but l
had mounted circular saw under full
headway. l started to fall about three
minutes before eleven O'Clock, and /
noticed afterward that my watch had
stopped two minutes after that
hour. l threw myself back, but the
bicycle met me half way, totally dis
regarding the injunction to ''never
kick a man when he's going down
HILL" 1t was plainly to be seen that
II ha6 oEop tho h;t -, <,okb II
wobbled from side to side to get me of
my guard; then the pedals played
"shinny'' with my legs. l had shut
my eyes after the first jump. and was
vainly trying to touch bottom with my
feet, but I was beyond my depth. The
suspense between the time / began to
fall and the time arrived at perma-
nent location, caused me to lose ten
pounds. 1t was short spell of sick
ness, but my constitution suffered ter
rbly. l wasn't hungry, and kind O.
wished l hadn't taken provisions for so
long journey. / wanted to 60 home,
but the bicycle couldn't spare me. ]
tried my old game of smiling to regain
my composure. didn't smile exactly
| in the middle, and the machine began
| to career toward the left. I instantly
shifted my piece of chewing gum to
the right side of my mouth, but that
was too much ballast on that side.
The small wheel kicked up little
| right here Just to let me know it was
still with me and didn't want any fool
ishness. was in the enemy's country
and was completely surrounded. The
ice wagon went by and l tried to call
for help. / didn't have breath
enough left to swear. In my efforts
| to keep on both sides of the perpen-
| dicular at once. l had twisted the
head of my collar button off. The tenn
perature had risen seven degrees the
| first two minutes after l cut loose from
Mother Earth, and / could hear the
cheese in my pockets beginning to fry.
All was life and motion and the bicvcle
was very nervous. l was afraid the
band might strike up and make mat
| ters worse. / felt that my seat was
contested and that must soon ..go to
the country" From the topmost curve
of one of the bicycles springs l caught
a bird s-eye view of outlying counties,
and painted for change of air and
| scenery. Why didn't some one throw
me rope. No one went for doctor;
suppose because they considered the
case hopeless. was conscious that 1
was the great central attraction, but
painfully realized that 1 spread over
| too much ground to exhibit under, one
| canvass. Slowly the minutes wore on
but wasn't losing any time. had u
certain amount of work to do before I
struck the ground. There was diver
| sity of opinion as to what | was trying
| to accomplish. Some thought was
| boring for an artesian well, while others
| thought it was scene from a Da-
kota blizzard. I now became aware
through every fiber of the bicycles
steel anatomy that it was gathering up
its forces for one final grand act Of ex-
| termination. | wished | had been a
little more regular in my attendance at
Sunday-school. then looked for fire
escape, but it had no such attachment.
| Concentrating all its inherent wicked
ness into one mighty boost, intimating
that it had no further use for me, took
the hint, left the saddle and winged
my way toward the azure. / had
round-trip ticket and came back on the
down grade with all the gathered force
of my past five. minutes exercise.
Scooping out a ditch along the road
side with my shoulder led bystander
to remark that / was working out my
road tax: When got to the end of
the furrow the large wheel rolled over
me, the smaller wheel turned hand
spring over the larger one and knocked
my hat over my eyes; then the entire
machine laid down on me, while the
dude with the placid countenance and
unruffled brow rolled silently by
| Sober Sam, in Pect's Sun.
| "A young man known as John P.
Lipe, of Palatine, Montgomery County,
| N. Y, has proved his claim to the prop
erty of DIR. Peter Eisenhard, who died
not long since intestate. His mother,
Margaret Austin, proved that she was
II u L