Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1886-07-10
a CERTIFICATE WANTED.
BY n. QUAD.

l Just do like to run across an Eng
lishman who ls fresh to this country
and determined to combat American
ideas. He Is good deal better COM
pany than an American would be in
Europe. Such chap rode with us
from Vicksburg over to Jackson.
Excuse me, ye know" he began as
the conductor came along, "but Id
like compartment to myself"
There was no place to put him except
in the baggage car, and when this was
ascertained he replied:
"Ah, well, I'm no bloomin' chump,
ye know? is this hair line railroad?'
"Never heard that it was" said tho
conductor.
"rhen why didn't they direct me to
the hair line? What's the se,ye know,
i'll fellow creeping and twisting all over
the country to fetch up at some place
which is on a hair lne?"
We had no sooner got him quieted
down on that than he began 10 find
| fault with the scenery along the road.
"lt's devilish awkward, We know, to
| be gazing at nothing but pine Forest"
he broke out. "lf there are no noun
tains, cliffs, valleys or pretty villages,
why not go to work and provide them?
They can't expect fellow to put up
with such as this and go over the route
another time."
| We rubbed him down gently, and
had restored his good nature when we
side-tracked for ten minutes for the
other train to pass.
"Tm no bloomin' chump, We know"
he began at the end of two minutes,
.'but certainly protest against this
delay. Ii there is only one track who
is to blame tor it? Is my valuable time
to be taken up in waiting here because
the other train is not on time? In the
first place there is no hair line; then
there are no compartments; then the
scenery sets one crazy; then we must
switch off and submit to delay. Gents,
observe that protest."
We patted him on the back and
lulled the storm, but it broke out again
J as soon as we reached jackson. He
didn't like the situation of the hotel
nor any of the rooms in it, nor the way
/ the porter talked back at him, and he
flung himself into q chair and ex-
claimed:
, "Fm no bloomin' chump, We know,
but can't go this-really, can't"
4 While he had been fussing around
l we had put up little Job Oh him, and
now informed him that there was q
carriage at the door to drive him to q
h fine hotel in the suburbs-a place we
o had not time to visit.
n "That's jolly, and won't forget the
S favor, ye know" he said as he tossed
II his bags into the hack and drove on.
The driver was directed to take him
: out to the insane asylum, and the order
y was faithfully carried out.
0 "T'm bloomin' chump if it isn't q
II fine building, though 1 can't say much
e for the scenery" said the man as they
drove up.
'f He alighted with all his baggage and
s entered the superintendent's Office. In
N about an hour he returned to the hotel
II and bursting into the Office where we sa
le smoking he hOtly announced:
S. First there is no hair line; then nc
E. com Dar.ment, then no scenery then
" no double track; then 1 arrive at the
y tavern to find it only third-rate clut
se house; then I'm sent knocking about t.
j, suburban hotel, and when reach i
what does the bald headed old cock a.
I'd doodle of landlord inform mel Why
le gents, that I've got to have certificate
ip of insanity to be admitted I'm
OF bloomin' chump if your blarsted coun
ht try isn't enough to drive one wildI"