The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-10-23
Witty and Humorous.


A Lazy Cook.-One that "fritters"
away her time.
What is that which flies without
wing-?-An arrow.
Carpets, though bought by the
yard, are worn by the foot.
Matchless Misery. Having a ci-
gar, and nothing to light it with.
When is an army like tuck in a
lady's dress?-When it is hemmed
in.
What is that which never uses its
teeth for eating purposes?-A comb.
Young folks grow most when in
love. 1t increases their signs won
dprfulty.
The gardener who grated chest.
nut TO bOxtree found it produced
large trunks.
When is soap likely to run out Of
a saucepan ?-When there is leeE
in it.
A Chicago poet begins an apos-
trOphe to the ocean with 'Prodigious
dampness!'
A mans dearest object should bp
his wife. but sometimes il is his
Wife'S wardrobe.
1t it said that the digger INDIANS
are never known TO smile. They are
grave diggers.
A good natured spinster used to
boast that she always had two good
heaux; they were elbows.
A lady asked Mr.. johnson if he
| liked children. Don't know MAJ
am answer ed the grabbed old gen.
tleman; meyer tried 'em: am not
an Ogre
Can't you love your neighhor as
Yourself. Jnhnny"-'Yes, ina : then
lding. refipctiveIy. If he don't
keep dog that tries to bite little
boys
A little boy intreated his mother
to tell him some stories about bud
boys, and upon expressing astOnish
ment, said he wanted tn find out how
they got out of scrapes.'
The editor of New York child's
paper received letter from a lady
subscriber rerertly. in which was
written. Our Anna died last week,
after reading the last number of your
valuable paper
DON'T you take rather too much
spirit for single man?' asked a kind
man of one who had been ind ulging
pretty freely II heg pardon, sir;
l have been married these ten years.
was the answer.
Several Irishmen were disputing
one day about the invincihiliiy of
their respective persons. when one
of them remarked-'Faith, Pm
brick. And in, dade Pm brick
layer said another, giving the first
speaker II blow that brought him to
the ground.
Show me the man who struck
O'Dougherty,' shouted a pugnacious
little lrishman at an election. Show
me the man who struck O'Dough.
erty, and pll-.-'I am the man
who struck O'Dougherty,' said big
brawny fellow, stepping in front
'and what have yGu got to :; y about
it"-Och, sure,' answered the small
one.' suddenly coIlapsing, and
didn't you do it WE'LL
A New York paper wants to know
why it is that drowning men catch
at siraws?' Another paper says, we
d"n't know that tn y do. We have
seen Il number Of gentlemen drown,
but those of them who had any pref.
erence at all seemed to he prejudlcpd
in favor of plank. We don't re-
member ever being asked for a straw
hy a gentleman who was drowning,
and it is just as well. perhaps, be-
cause we never GARY one with u.s."
A story is told of negro in Vir.
GINA whose master threatened to
give him flogging if he boiled his
epges hard again. Next morning
the eggs came to the table still hard
err than before. you rascalv shout.
ed the enraged planter. didn't / tell
you to cook these eggs s0fl?'-sYes.
massa.' said the frightened slave:
IAN L got up at two O'Clock dis morn
in am boiled dem five hours, am il
seems to me l never kin get desc
eggs softer!'