Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-03-18
WIT AND HuMOR.

20, where are the girls Of the past" he sighed,
Win q gurgle down deep In his throat
The girls that once were our joy and pride.
On whom we were wont TO dotcf'
! And, to hide his grief, he went to the show.
Ills dropping heart to rally:
ANA ne saw the girls OF tho long ago
Cnvorting In the ballet.
An old provcrb says: ..All things come
TO him who waits" If man fees the
waiter some OF the things will come to
him much sooner.--Norristoto Herald.
What are the last teeth that Gomez"
asked teacher of her class in physiolo-
gy. False teeth. mum, replied boy
who had just walked up on the back
seat Christian Register.
A Virginia Colonel blew into gun
the other day and found il was loaded.
1t isn't safe for men who don't know
anything about firearms TO bother with
them Rochester Post Express.
Delirious delight: 'Wcrc you at the
Van Spykendorn's dance Christmas?"
"Yass.' Lots of fun?" ..Yaas" .,Who
did you dance WITH" Didn't dawncc"
What did you do then?n Looked at
doocid pretty gyurl. ~ Y To-day.
Can you tell me whose picture is on
ten-dollar bills?" asked caller of
| country editor. II don't know. |
couldn't even tell you whose portrait is
on one-dollar bills" replied the pen
pusher, with an cight-line plea sigh
| ~ T. Journal
Little Miss Malaprop went TO see Our
Mary" rs Rosalind the other afternoon,
and now she tells her companions; i've
been to Mary Anderson. She played
Shakspeare's play How Do You Like
It., and think liked it very well. "
| Boston Record.
Some time ago musio-house in this
city received a letter from n young lady
asking for some sheet-music. She
closed, apologizing for her blunders, in
the following language: "Plez exhus mi
spclin. ispel bi ere. but pla bi not"
IN. Y. Christian .4dcocate.
Man with a terrible cold)-"Gimme
(cough) rum and Cough molasses."
Sorry. sir. but we haven't
a bit Of molasscs.
MAXWELL, I've got to Cough do
something to (cough) stop this terrible
cough. Gimme the (cough) rum without
molasses."
II was surprised to see you come out
OF saloon with that disreputable old
tramp. Colonel. Did you invite him to
drink" mo, certainly not" replied
the Colonel. Strengthening up; "but ! felt
sorry for the poor old chap. and when
he asked me TO take something hadn't
| the heart to refuse. ~. Y Sun.
"A picture of ancient PhGnioia, you
say? How long have you been at work
on it?' 80, at odd times about year
altogether You must come up to the
studio and see it when get it done.
Thanks, l will. l suppose you must be
about completing it now" "Ycs. I'm
putting on the Ph@nician touches. -
IYdbits
"Ha! ha! That's good one on wo-
men," laughed Mr.. Dulman the other
morning. what tickles you nowp"
asked Mrs. Dulman why, ha! hal q
Canadian doctor says more than half
the women are FOOLS YES" replied
Mrs. Dulman, YEARLY; II guess he's
right. Most women marry. n-Philddel-
phid News.
A cat got into church-organ in a
Western city, and, when the congrega-
ton assembled Sunday morning and
heard the frightful and plaintive COM
plainings of the animal issuing from the
assistant worshiper, they thought new
and better organist had been engaged
since the preceding Sabbath Norris
torn Herald.
The Birmingham Medical ReUiesC tells
Of an old Highlander who was ordered
by his doctor not to exceed two ounces
Of spirits daily. He asked his son how
much liquor that was. Sixteen drams,"
was the reply. what guild DOCTOR"
said the Highlander. Run and tell
Donald McTavish and Big John tae
cam doom the NIGHT
Ponsonby-Well,d dear boy, I'm off to
Paree. De Twiliger-What, again?
thought you were tired of Parcc. $50
am. but duty, dear boy. I'm going to
see Pasteur." Good gracious! Have
you been bittenp" mot vet, but there
is ferocious dog just moved into our
neighborhood and it is just as well to be
prepared. "-Hsiadelphid Call
When a great ruler dies in Europe
some one calls in his ear three times.
Once is enough in Kentucky. A friend
steps reverently to the couch of the de-
ceased and whispers not necessarily
loud-'.Let's take drink" If he
makes no reply, then he is dead beyond
peradventure, and the funeral is pro-
cceded with. Louisville Courier-J0ur-
nal
Mrs. Grindham-What will YOU have,
Mr.. Growler, roast beef or chicken?
Growler-Gimmc some chicken-ah,
thanks (begins to eat it, but gives up in
despair). Mrs. Grindham-Wcll, what's
the matter. nowp Growler-I can't
seem to get around this leg-let me have
a pine one. Mrs. Grindham-A pine
onep Growler-Yes, it's softer than
mahogany.-Rom6ter.
Il am so pleased" said Clara to her
little friend. Last Saturday they gave
me such beautiful doll for birthday
present" "Ah! you still play with dolls?
! don't; am too big now" ''And what
have you done with yoursp" II have
locked 1t in the cupboard 1t will do for
| my children" "But suppose you have
no childrenP" Then it will go to my
grandchildren. Paris paper.
Tom Dickson is San Antonio youth
OF about IL who has not yet grown
mustache. He is also very small physi-
cally. He has been paying considera-
BILE attention to young lady and final
ly he proposed; Miss Mary, | love
you,' he said, sinking down on his
knees. You had better speak with
your pa and see il he will give his con-
sent" was the cutting reply Texas
Sytings.
Bright reporter Ito city editor) "a
tramp was killed ont here just now by
brick falling from the fourth story of
building" City editor-"Did you get a
picture Of the brickP' Bright reporter
20. yes; and found out where it was
manufactured City editor-"Well,
hurry up hundred-linc obituary notice.
and call him "a well-known and re-
spected tramp You know all the rest"
N T. Tid-Bas
Johnny Teacher. what is an or
chid?"
Tan orchid is queer little plant
with funny flower that does not look
like q flower"
10, I'd like to see one. never
did"
T-"Why, yes, Johnny, you've seen
one. A lady's slipper, you know"
j. Gnstinctively slipping his hand be-
hind him)-''O, yes. The Judge.
Magistrate are accused of as
saulting Pete Johnson Prisoner
Yes, 20 Honah. Pete lowed wuzzent