Wood River times. [volume] (Hailey, Idaho) 1882-1915, 1886-08-28
WIT AND HUMOR.

A band of Italian brigands captured
a Duke recently and held him for thirty
days. Any American heiress can do
that, and hold him longer.
The facility with which American
girls are caught by foreign mobiles, and,
after being entertained with talk OF
marriage are abandoned, is marvellous.
In Philadelphia etiquette a newly
married lady ceases to become bride
Wben she has sewed button on her
husbands clothes, and is then simply
the wife.
Such is the advancement of science
that vegetables and fruits can now be
grown without the light of the sun,
honey made without bees, and butter
without COWS.
NO." said the man who looked on
with unconcern at fight at the Phila-
delphia board of aldermen, "that
seems nothing to me; I've run an
opera company"
The report that canal-boat Captain
bought United States man-of-war
with Wow to using it on the canals,
is not true. He did not buy it; he said
1t was Internationally.
Mrs. Platt has written q poem to
show that the only happy woman is
dead. 1t may be possible that the only
happy man living is her husband, but
we shall not write poem to prove it.
The varnish on the heads of cheap
canes is depopulating the east of dudes
They suck it off, get sick, and pine
away. Let subscription list be start
ed at once to furnish these canes Free
"Why did you put that nickel with
hole in it In the contribution box?"
asked one man of another. because
l couldn't put the hole in without the
nickel, and l had to put in something"
Yes, my DEAR" said Mrs. Rams
bothom, speaking of her invalid uncle,
''the poor old gentleman has had
stroke of parenthesis, and when l last
saw him he was in state of comma"
Little Jenny belonged to a fashion
able set. Here, Jenny" said her
father, "here'S new doll" '.Oh,
father. that's no good; take it away
They haven't worn those things for a
month.
The sarcastic paragraphist OF the
New York Commercial advertiser re-
marks: Several young ladies in Chi
cage are studying law in order that
they may attend to their own divorce
cases in after life.
A missionary says the tallest people
on the globe are to be found on the
northeastern island of Terra del Fuego.
A collector says the shortest" people
on the globe may be found right here
at home when bill is presented.
"Your fare, young lady," said the
stage driver, as n pretty miss stepped
from his vehicle. and was about trip
ping away. "Oh, thank your respond
oil the absent-minded little beauty; Il
think your mustaehe becomes you real
well. too" She got her ride free.
The bar-room loafers are. to credit
their talk, the most hroad-minded and
comprehensive fnanciers we have.
They pay the national debt daily lean
ing against lamp-posts, and settle
tariffs and other great problems with
great ease sitting on dry goods boxes.
.'Do you think your horse has a
soulp" a Somervillc philhippist asked .
brother hippolo2ist the other day o.
the two met in Urion Square. II don't
know whether he's got soul or not"
was the reply. "but I'm pretty certain
he's got the heayes."
The Henderson (Ky.) Times longs
for the time when every man will tell
the truth because il is ii sht. be honest
because it is right, and live soberly
because it is right. 1t strikes us that
for Kentucky editor this is asking o
good dcal.-BoSton Post
A country newspapers weekly mark
ct report contains the item: There
has not been enough country butter in
town this week to grease q gimlet."
These country newspaper people have
odd ways about them. Now. what in
the world do they want to grease their
gimlets with butter for?
SHII OH,S CATARPu pErNEDV