The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1886-05-29
ALLEGED HEHOR.

"YoU have been arrested for stealing
from a bakers wagon. What have
you to say IN your defense?"
Nothing, sir, except that the doctor
told me / must est stale bread for me
dyspepsy."
"WHAT produces afeeling Of prostra-
tion in the spring." asks CORE
spondent. Two things will do it
doubling the yeracity OF pugilist and
trying to coax bicycle over a stone.
Burlington Free Press.
| SCHOOL CoMAITTTEE-Can you tell me,
little boy, where they raise peanuts?
Little Boy-Yes, sir, in the circus.
School eommittee-You are mistaken,
my little man. That's where they
raise chestnuts.
HUSBAND (impatiently) to wife-I
told you only wanted half a cup of
tea, and, as usual, you've filed it to
the top. Don't You know what hall
full is Mother-in-law (grimly
ought to by this time.-New York Sun.
! A CoLORED man went into a Calves
| ton newspaper office and wanted to
subscribe to the paper. "How longdo
you want it ?" asked the clerk. CESS
as long as it is, boss; if it don't fit the
shelves | kin tar a piece off myself
N. Y. Graphic.
MAUD-"How becoming your Easter
bonnet is, dear" Mabel-"Do you
really think so P" Maud-"It's love
ly. Why it looks almost as well as it
did last Easter. What an ingenious
girl you are" And now they never
speak J Chicago Rambler.
OLD gentleman Ito tramp, to whom
he has Just given a nickel-Now, my
friend, what will you do with all that
money? Tramp gazing awe-struck at
the nickeIl-I think III put part of it
in the bank, sir, and the rest I'll spend
| for peach blow vase.-New York
Sun.
LADY, am so glad to make your
personal acquaintance! l have often
All Do you know my lyrical poems or
My tragedies? Lady-No; 1T you
happen to live in the same house as a
friend of mine, and whenever | visit
her see your name on the doorplate.
-Abendb0te.
| A COUNTRY minister who, in addition
to his clerical duties, followed the pro-
fession OF photographer, was called
upon to perform the marriage cere-
mony.. "Now then, young man." he
said to the groom, who was nervous
and excited, as all grooms ought to
| be, Gust keep your eye on that crack
In the wall, and try and look pleas
ant .'-Harper's Bazaar.
As John ]. Quinn stepped into his
road wagon from t1abe Cases porch
recently, a well-known lover of horse
flesh, who had Just driven up, said to
him: "John, do you know why so
many CT us do not look like the flow
ers that bloom IN the spring, ira la ?"
! "No," said the tall Harlemite. Its
because we have too much to do with
/ the Case New York Times.
LAST night little Massachusetts
Avenue boy was saying his prayers at
his mothers knee, and Just before
/ reaching the end be stopped. "Go on,
! Freddie, you haven't finished yet,'
said his mamma. 'Bless papa
and mamma" he continued, "and
now good-by God. Lent is over,
and guess you won't hear from us
till this time next year, amen.-Wash-
ngtOn Critic.
A HORSE of another color.-Herr
Windbag (saloonist) Now dold ye,
poys, you pring desc cabitalists to
| dere knees, pretty soon, mid dem poy-
colts. Workman-We know it, Wind
bag. We put it on Mulligan last week
and brought him to terms in iiffy.
"Mulligan, the prewer, you mean?"
Yes" "But dat will raise de brice OF
peer. All Himmel dat was tyran-
ny."-Phiadelphia Gail.
SoLoMoNs-Say, Rachel? Mrs. S.
Veil, my tear, vat ish it, now? Solo
mops-I t'ink dot Isaacs vas a better
man dan / vas, don't it, in bishuess2 2
Mrs. S.-Vat makes you t'ink he vas?
Solomons-He has married his daugh
ter, freckles unit all, to Maltby, de
brewers son. Forty tOusand dollars.
INT | had to mark my daughter down
to fife huntert to get rid OF her. Oh,
vat a biZness man dot Isaacs vas
Rambler.
A FABLE: An estimable old ground
hog, wishing to ascertain the opinions
of the neighbors about himself had q
bogus congestive chill, and, falling TO
the ground, pretended to be dead. He
was buried the following day, but
| scratched his way out the grave and
went in disguise to hear his own tuner
al sermon preached. The discourse
was so complimentary that theground-
hog was pulled up with vanity, and,
| having bought a cane and an eye-glass,
! he became q dude. Moral-Tnis fable
| teaches the danger OF fiattery.-LHe.
FIRST BELLE-There, dear, / want
you to look over this list OF people I'm
going to invite to the theater party,
and / wish you'd suggest another
young man. I've got seven girls and
only six young gentlemen so far.
There's Harry Westerly, now. Do you
think ne will do at a pinch2 Second
belle (blushing)-Well, dear, / don't
know, I'm sure; but you remember /
sat next to him when We went on the
sleighiD9 party last winter, and he's
very good at a squeele.-SomerviHe
| Journal.
THE Eastern tourist sought some
new experience in a San Francisco res
taurant. He found it. ''What will
you take, sir?" asked the waiter.
| E'Oysters," said the tourist. Eastern
or Californian" "Well, I've eaten
lots OF Eastern oysters. ! guess I'll
/ try some Californian. I'd Just like to
taste them and see how they compare"
The waiter departed, and returning
placed before the tourist the usual
preliminary shrimp, and departed.
Long and earnestly the tourist studied
the shrimps. He took one up gingerly
and examined it. He could not quite
make the insect out. Then he called
the waiter Here, take them away.
I guess I'll fall back on Eastern. San
FraJcisco Chronicle.