Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1886-12-04
Our chrlstmas. cIMI

bas arrived In the i0rnp u brand-neW
AsAlmanac for 1887, presented by those
clever druggists, Messrs. Lockert 4
Reynolds, dealers in all sorts Of good
medicines, good books, and good adj
vice 10 newspaper mon.
We opened this little volume with
good deal OF curiosity, and with no
little fear and trembling as 10 what the
future had stored up in bulk for our
reception, and we hoped that after per-
suing the timetable on which 'S7 pro-
poses to run its daily trains we would
not be lmpelled TO say OF 1t as has been
Remarked ofso many Of its prodeces-
sors:
"The years creep slowly by, Lorena.
The snow Il on the grass again"
y The first chapter looked familiar,
because 1t contained the classic names
OF parties widely known-names which
constitute the first latin ever possessed
or spoken by many who have scooped
first money in the race of life and
other quarter-races-name such as
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Esculapius,
Backgrounds, Euphrates and Manas-
sas--all of whom are now signs in the
\ Zodiac and inBeer gardens and other
places OF Sunday amusement in Gin
cinnati, Hopkinsville, Guthrie, Atlanta
and other health resorts where the
thirsty cease from painting and lager
holds the fort,
These names are printed, as in most
former editions, all around barehead-
ed man in light, summer raiment, the
overalls OF which appear to be minus a
button or two on the titie-page. After
" this, comes the eclipses, blue Mondays,
bilious attacks, Yequnoxes and anti
dotes. together with total depravity
and Ayers Hair Invgorator.
The apparent relative positions Of the
OF the earth, the sun and the moon are
shown in diagram, which we think
could be improved by giving the fixed
positions OF the leading lamp posts and
the chronological letter on each street
corner so that way-faring men return
ing from the Lodge of Joppa might
avoid collision with the police and
the tariff which incidentally follows
an embargo.
The author says: an this Almanac
the suns rising and setting are for the
upper limb, corrected for parallax and
refraction, in meantime" This is all
proper, and good, as far as it goes, blu
the great, voting public is even now
voicing in tones like the distant rumb
ling oil a freight train on the Red river
trestle, demtnd for an Almanac sal
culated for both limbs and body witt
an ante-mortem headlight attachment
to shine out over the way, and Greel
password which will in all cases o
emergency simplify the combination OF
the front door and establish beyon
any doubt the latitude and longitude a
we'll as the average altitude Of the key
hole when a man returns at night from
a heated political discussion on tn,
Blair bill, Butterine, Benzine and Other
such household luxuries.
The great peculiarly OF this Almana
consists in the fact that it promises fou
eclipses Of the sun in 1887, and yet no
single one Of them will will be visibl
to the newspaper men OF Clarksvil
nor the voters in District No. /. Sucl
eclipses are delusion and snare, ant
should be avoided by all good citizens
They bring no more comfort to mar
than il a circus was advertised and h
had neither the money nor ticket
they're worse in fact, because in thu
case Of these eclipses you don't see thu
show, and you don't even get to see tn
street parade nor hear the music OF tn
band.
The remaining pages OF this nev
candidate for literary precedence
filled with appeals to humanity AM
dates Of old back-number events sucl
as: "Copernicus born, 147S-and tn,
Influenza is epidemic in Somerse
county, New Jersey" Most OF it
pages too are illustrated with cuts REP
resenting the finer tints and sunse
hues of Bronchitis, whooping Cough
Neuralgia, Ringworm, Rattles, Blind
staggers, and disorders OF the nervou
system. It's wit and humor is thor
oughly mixed with other irritating hu
mors and we close our scrutinizing bu
strictly impartial and unprecedented re
view OF this annual bud from the Ger
fury Plant Of live-forever literature wit
this gem, selected from the page head
ed February:
Mrs. JONES' What are you tryin
to open that can OF oysters WITH"