River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1886-09-30
MIR. WIGGLE.

person who does not mind other people,
and his neighbors did not like him
quite unanimously. 1t is on record
that be had advised the butcher to en-
ter one OF his sauages in bench show.
and he once demonstrated with a milk
man for mingling social matters with
the shop by wearing his pumps alta
ball. He had also advised the grocer
10 back sugar again Sullivan because
it had so much sand, but this was gen
orally considered chestI ut, and il was
not believed that he had helped ma
tiers out much when he amended to
the effect that perhaps, after all, it
might be best TO pit only the lump
sugar, for then it would become pull
verified.
A thin young man with a cylindrica
collar and the general appearance of
of materialized evaporation men
toned that he had heard both Jokes
long time ago and that they were poor,
whereupOn Mr.. WIggle with much
frankness conceded that this might be
so, and explained that they had prob
any AONN AhNtA pOluAS III tlAC udAul al
difficulties attendant upon the task of
boring themselves into his head.
This happy generosity with advice
and candid faculty of explanation did
not make him popular with those about
him, and when he once remarked that
he expected to be hung before any of
his pictures were there was general de-
preston for three blocks around, be-
cause this was regarded as Il safe and
indeinit expectation, gentleman on
the third floor having made inquiries of
the hanging committee.
La the room next to Mr.. Wiggle's
was an English person who was vague
~ supposed TO do something down
town. He had become nypOchondriac
from having early in life acquired the
habit of reading Punch. Mr.. Wiggle
had earned his lifelong enmity by
mentioning once that Punch had failed
in its mission and did not pay two min
utes in the day, and this feeling was
deepened when, having heard his
neighbOr say that Mr.. Gladstone had
a grand trait, Mr.. Wiggle did not want
to let him finish the sentence, but asked
him ilippantly if he meant arbitrate.
Although these were only ''trilles light
as air, as a bald-headed gentleman
from London might say, still they lived
in his memory just as kind words
would have done, il being a well-known
fact that kind words can never die
Mr. Wiggle calle his pictures studies,
and when once asked why, he said it
was because it required a great deal of
study to find ont what they were; but
this was not strictly true, because Mr..
Wiggle knew what they were, but he
kept the secret jealousy locked up in
his own bosom. He would intrust no
one with his private art cipher. They
did some good, however. Whenever
the English person felt that the thought
of Mr.. Wiggle was too oppressive he
would steal into his room, look at his
pictures, and gloat. This relieved
him little, but revenge brings its own
punishment. His sufferings would be
intensified for hours atterward, as he
had once had quite reputation as an
art critic, obtained from keeping on
his shelf copy of Ruskin' 5 Seven
Lamps of Architecture. purchased I'M
der misapprehension when he was
in the oil and lamp line.
However, these visits, which were as
frequent as his feeble health could
stand, gave the English person an idea.
1t suggested to him 4 sarcasm that
would be as massive and complex a.
any he had ever read in Punch, and it
had a vein of gloom in it which was
equally characteristic. 1t was necessa-
nv that he should die TO carry it out
fully, but his constant reading of his
favorite periodical had schOOled him to
look upon death with stOical equanimi-
ty.
OF course he did not mean to throw
himself before train and give some
able reporter chance to ring in that
unique Under the Wheels" or take
poison ahd be alluded to in connection
with the morphine" route, or drown
himself and be headlined as ''Dead for
a Duck it, These aid not enter his
mind, mainly, perhaps. because he had
already rented his mind to one idea
and he was averse to having four ideas
sleep in a single cot. He would not be
premature, but he was determined.
MIR. Wiggle was poor-almOst as
poor as his pictures. He had frequent
ly been heard to say. with great face
tiousness, that he lived on his cheek
and hence was entitled to claim that
his face was his fortune. His clothes
looked best in perspective, and once
when he had taken frameleSs canvass
to a secondhand store in the hope of
selling it as an old masterpiece, aud
the dealer asked him why he did not
frame it, lie remarked that the only
frame he had was frame of mind and
he did not think that that would suit
1t would be an imposition that he could
not be guilty of. This remark called
up host of far away associations in
the dealers mind and he went to a
negro minstrel entertainment that eve
ming and listened pensively to other
memories of his childhood. He re-
tanned sufficient presence of mind, how
ever. not to buy the picture.
Whenever Mr.. Wiggle was asked by
his landlady how long it would be be-
fore he would pay his rent he would
answer earnestly that the question was
not put in the right way; the query
should run as to how short he would
be. This shows that it is best to take
the world and any loose property you
may see lying around in cheerful
spirit.
One day the English person was
found dead in bed. A copy of his IA
vorite Punch lying beside him was in
keeping with the sOmbre surroundings.
As the pages were cut il was supposed
at first that he had been reading it and
had only fallen into deep sleep, but
an examination proved that this was
not so. ON the table was his last will
and testament, duly signed and wit
messed, and when it was opened the
full force of his long-meditated sar-
easm was developed. He explained in
it that, having lived a somewhat sell
fish life. he was DESTROYS to atone for it
as far as possible by doing some good
TO the world which would be remem-
bered; that 10 his limited sphere she
had seen nothing as atrocious as the
paintings of Mr.. Augustus WIggle; and
that he could think of nothing which
would be more gratifying than their
utter suppression, He therefore left all
his property. real and personal, to the
said Augustus Wiggle on condition
that he should sacrifice his insufferable
vanity, destroy his idealess daubS, and
pledge himself to paint no more.
Did it crush Mr.. Wiggle? No! On
the contrary it filled him with enthu-
siasm. When the lawyer asked him if
he wished time to canvass the cOndi-
tons he answered promptly that he
did not; he would accept them just as
they dictated-without a canvas He
l. -.