The Portland daily press., 1886-12-30

quarter ouOhiu lle-BufQctte.
The best selling proprietary article in this sec
ton | Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
Ladies all praise it and physicians recommend it.
THAT prescription you gave me last week is
medical miracle" said Crocus.
II know it, sir,o said the doctor proudly, "Tye
been using It for ten years and it never killed a
And afterwards he thinks that somehow this
wasn't exactly what he Intended to say.-Bur-
dette.
More cases Of sick headache, biliousness. con-
Stipation, &c. can be cured in less time with less
medicine, and for less money, by using Carter's
Little Liver Pills, than by any other means.
THAT dime is only worth cents" said the gro
ceryman TO Johnny.
Flows that?"
Its got hole in It,"
,So hole In dime is good for cents"
"Then give the dime back to me. III punch
another hole IN 1t and then 1t win be worth 10
cents. BY thunder, III punch six holes in 1t and
then it viii be worth 80 cents. I'll have money To
throw at the birds pretty soon"
Backache is almost Immediately relieved
wearing one of CATERS Smart Weed and Bella
donna Backache Plasters. Try one and be free
from pain. Price 20 cents.
Shoe dealer Ito partner)- That new lot of French
slippers Is going very slowly. Hadn't we better
Partner-Yes; mark the fves down to threes,
and the fours to twos. Then the stock will be
We are pleased to see the familiar face of
"Yours for Health" in the papers again, long may
it continue. The ladies have learned to love it.
Wife, am afraid You will think / am extraya-
giant, but bought Rubens today and paid $40
Husband (excited) -only $40? Why, | am
pleased. Are you sure II is genuine Rubens?
Wte-Thars what the mner said who sold it
to me.
Vegetne has been used with great success In
the treatment of dyspepsia.
Young husband Isn't there something peculiar
about the taste of these onions, my dear?
Young wife-I hope not dear took such pains
with them. | even sprinkled them with Jockey
Club before boiled them TO take away the odor.
DR.. BULBS Cough Syrup has no rivals. 20 cts.
Icontracted some weeks ago a severe cold
with pain in my side and shoulder. l gave your
Salvation OIL trial, and it relieved me at once.
Charles s. Gilbert, Baltimore, Md.
Mr. Fullagn comes home early the next day on
Christmas eve, and plunges into the Christmas
tree. "G-Great Scottl I'm g-goat, 4 l
haven't got los an been an let myself into Pros
peet Park Help! Hic-help!' Svoons.-Hurdette
The best m edical writers claim that the
successful remedy for nasal catarrh must be non
irritating, easy of application, and one that will
by its own action, reach all the remote sores and
liberated surfaces. The history Of The efforts to
treat catarrh during the past few dears obllges
us to admit that only one remedy has completely
met these conditions. and that is Ely's Cream
Balm. This safe and pleasant remedy has mas
tered catarrh as nothing else has ever done, and
both physicians and patients freely concede this
fact. The more distressing symptoms quickly
yield to It.
Magstrate-The young woman says that your
continued staring at her annoyed her excessively
Prisoner-l never Intentionally annoyed woIn-
an in my life, your Honor.
Magistrate-Then why did you stare at her so
persistently?
Prisoner-Because she is pretty and 1 couldn't
help it.
Young woman-Let him go, Judge.