Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1886-02-04
ADTERlISI FOR A KLEPTO
MANIAC.

IN hL4dSs
must commence this narrative
with q most painful admission my
wife is a confirmed kleptomaniac.
In all other respects she is an admir-
able woman, though I say It who
shouldn't. She is beautiful-at least
in my eyes; she is comparatively
young, though perhaps she might not
like me to be precise on this point;
she has troops OF friends and no lack
OF anything that husband IN COM
Portable circumstances and devOtedly
attached to her can supply; and yet,
owing to some distressing mental dis
order, she is continually bringing
home other peoples property.
Nothing, am quite sure, could be
further from her geHtle disposition
than the vice of cOvetousness. She
does not take things because she
wants them or In order to obtain a
cheap qualification. So far as can
sec she is subject merely to the same
propensity as the jackdaw.
solemnly affirm that she has no
notion Of wrong doing. She pliers
with the innocence of the dove, COO
ing all the while with that soft voice
of hers, which would disarm the most
hardened stickler for the rights of
property; and when she sees me take
anything to restore it 10 the lawful
owner she invariably regards me with
mute reproach.
I first discovered her m8lady during
our honeymoon, which was spent in
the North of England. We were in a
jewelers. shop st the time, and Q dia-
mond ring had mysteriousty disap-
peared. Parenthically let me observe
that, although Maria will, at pinch,
take articles of no earthly value, she
prefers jewelry SIS being at once
portable ana pleasant to look upon.
The man declared she had stolen the
ring. While [ was pouring upon him
a flood of abuse, and she was entreat-
ing me to spare hln9, she became so
agitated at the sight of my indigna-
ton as to have recourse to her hand
kerchief. As she drew it from her
pocket something fell on the floor.
Following q triumphant dart of the
jewelers. hand [ looked. and, 10! there
was the ring. That was the first of
many painful moments. Yet I can
confidently say that, instead of di-
minishing nay love, they have in
creased 1t, for they have added to my
other feelings a great pity for her who
is so grievOusly afflicted.
There never was 8 less nervous
woman than Maria; herein, / fear,
lies the h0pelessness of her case. IF I
could detect even the culver of an
eyelid-and what charming eyes she
has, to be sure-as she quietly appro-
PIRATES what belongs to another, 7
might be able to take courage. But,
alas! the smile never leaves her pretty
face, her tones never falter, her hand
goes untrembllngly on its stealChy
way, as if 1t were impelled by some
then the horrid deed is done. Oh,
what agonies have endured, watch
ing without the power of stopping
herl What shame, what pity, what
horror lest she should be caught in
the actl [ always feel as guilty as if
were her accomplice.
Night after night, when she is
asleep, I have long made a practice of
searching her pockets, and then of
creeping down stairs to examine her
private cabinets. The number of
things I have found secreted in one
corner or another is enough to make
my hair stand on end when I think
of them. Whether Maria ever misses
them, whether she knows that I have
sent them back to their owners, / have
never been able to ascertain, but she
has neither demonstrated nor said a
word on the subject to me. / have
noticed, however, that her hiding
places are changed from time TO
time, which locks SIS as If she were
not altogether too well satisfied with
them.
About a year ago Mrs. Arbuthnot,
an acquaintance Of ours, lost 8 valu-
able bracelet, which l felt sure Maria
had taken. But [ never could find it,
though [ searched the house from top
TO bottom. Mrs. Arbuthnot had her
suspicious, could see, and this drove
ME nearly frantic, not only with
thinking OF what had become of the
bracelet, but also with trying to dis
cover a remedy for the existing state
Of affairs.
At last hit upon what struck me
as really good idea. Like cures like,
! argued; if / were to introduce into
the house another kleptomaniac
would not Maria become disguised
and alter her ways2 A bad habit in
ourselves may be tolerated, but when
it crops up in others it often assumes
most repulsive aspect, and straight
way clamors for its own removal.
Such, at least, was my idea. I thought
it worth a trial.
The first thing to be done was to
secure a genuine kleptomaniac. With