davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Mamma" said Miss Penelope
Waldo, of Boston, 81 don't like this
Mr.. Breezy from the west whom we
met last night. He is extremely un.
couth.
"How?" inquired the old lady.
1--WE were discussing horse back
riding, and he said that he rarely
used the saddle, and rode bareback OH
almost all occasions. OF course, one
can dispense with u saddle if he
wishes, but for anybody to ride about
in his bare back is unnecessarily
western"
And the old lady thought so, too"
IN. Y. Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

bod. Firstly, doan' git married un-
til you know what you are bein' jined
to. Study de gal. Let de feet go an
watch her temper. Let de bangs 90
an watch her economy. Nedder you
mind about de way she dimples her
chin, but ak yerself if she'll make de
bed wild de foot lower dan the head.
You has got to do all dc studyin'.
Not one gal out of a thousand eber
stops to size up a luver If his Gre
clan nose or curly ha'r or droopin'
mustache strikes her fancy she'll
nebber stop to study his natur' or to
worry ober his habits. She is marry
in dat nose, or head OF mustache. A
month arter marriage, when he hauls
her aroun' by de hair an shapes her
dimple jaw she's perfectly astonished
to think she make such mistake.
Secondly, Brudder Cantilever, arter
de knot has bin tied make up yer
mind dat be fucher won't be all plain
sailin'. You are gwine to be tried an
trubbled, an you hev got to call up
all yer manhood. You will h'ar de
sasser scrapin' de bottom of de flour
bar'l when you hevent got a cent in
pocket. De woodpile will run out in
Jnuary, an de sugar an bacon will
seem to be carried off by de rats. If
yer wife am cher SO goodnatured she
will hev her triles an tribulashuns,
an dar may be times when she'll riz
up an claw fur you. In de vars gone
by my ole woman has rushed upon me
wild de rollin'-pin, an | has retorted
in Il way to make her ears ache, hut
all de time | knowed she was savin'
an good-hearted, an she knowed I'd
empty my pockets of de las shillin'
to buy her new set of false frizzes.
If you am suited to each odder an
occashunal row in the family will
prove stickin'-plaster, to hold you
de clusser together. If you amt
suited-if you diskives dat you hev
struck pach of Canada thistles an
can't sot still, an if de edder party
diskivers dat she has taken u tumble
off de monument Of Romance an
brought up wild a thud in de mud-hole
Of Reality, you jist absquatulate apart
Go quietly an decently an git OH
hitched by divorce, an let the wisdom
gain by experience an be at yer right
hand when We make anoder choice.
Brudder Cantilever, my feelins an
de feelins of dis club am wild ye, an,
our good wishes, together wild at least
50 wurth of tinware, kin be counted
on whenever dc fatle occashum
arroves.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
He Wants No More Camping Out.

mo, | don't want any more fishing
and camping out in mine," said a
swarthy young man on Northwest
ern train. 81 have just been trying
it, and | have enough to last me life
time. My face is one of those that
tan pretty badly in the sun, but
didn't realize how badly l had been
baked until had concluded to give
up camping out and go to the hotel
for the rest of my stay. When din
ner was ready went in with the rest
of the guests, and, the head-water
being pretty busy, found a seat for
myself. Imagine my surprise and
discontinue when the head-water
came around little later and tapped
me on the shoulder, saying, loud
enough for everybody in the room to
hear: Beg pardon, sab, but cullud
pussons not lowed to eat at fust table
in dis house. .'"-Chicago Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Joe Blackburn, of Kentucky, lives
in the pleasant little country town Of
Versailles, and on one occasion n mem
Der of the Lexington city council
came over to inspect some improve
ment or other, and the Senator show
ed him around.
Have you gas in town." asked
the visitor.
"Not yet, but we are going to have p
"No street cars?"
"Oh, no."
water works."
mo, but we have got one of the
finest distilleries in the country handy,
and that's good enough for us."-
Washington Critic.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Try to be something in the world
ana you will be something. Aim at
excellence. and excellence will be at
tained. This is the great secret Of
success aud cminence. 81 cannot do
it," never accomplished anything.
II will try" has wrought wonders
Halves.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

That's what | call hush money"
remarked the daddy when he planted
down the cash for bottle of pare
goric to take home for use in the in
fantile portion of the family.-Tole-
do American.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Those who bet OIL the Galatea are
considerably worse than man who
is no better.-Boston Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

A sign bearing the following in-
scription is very prominent on the
Freemansburg road: "For Bitten
For dresspassing over This Ground.
Five dollars Fine For any Body Sew
ed on this ground" ."-Easton Express.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
Rather Indefinite.


"Have any troops passed this way2"
said an officer who headed the pur-
suit, as he rode up to a cabin i'll the
South during the war, and addressed
Il sharp-nosed woman who stood in the
doorway, with her jaws tied up.
"No," said the woman, in a pain
ful drawl; IL amt seen no seech.
Wha' be you uns goin'?"
"You don't mean to say that you
haven't seen any soldiers going this
wayp"
"Oh, yes, I've seen sogers, and quite
passel of 'em, to. They went by
real peart. | reckon you uns amt
got no doctor along with ye, have ye?
I'm jest about ready TO drop with
jumpin' toothache."
"Yes there's two or three surgeons
coming up in the rear"
"In the which ?"
'In the rear"
whats that?'
"The tail end of the column"
"Well, now, for the lands sake
And be they ridin' back'ards? ?"
"Who?"
"Them doctors"
"Of course not but how many
regiments did you say went by?'
where be them doctors anyhow,
mister! I've got to git this ere tooth
yanked out mighty sudden now, or I'll
go hoppin' crazy"
81 told you they were in the rear.
How many soldiers do you think there
were ?"
al reckon there amt no flag nor
nothin' on it, is theyi"
"On what ?"
"On that kerridge.'
What carriage?"
"The one we said them doctor pus-
sons was in."
81 didn't say they were in carriage.
| said they were in the rear"
"Well, now, see here, mister; what
kind of waggin is that now? |
wouldn't miss 'em for mess of greens,
for | jest must git this tooth jerked
dreadful soon, or I'll lose all the sense
| ever had. Is them doctor people
got unicorns on, or do they jest wobblc
around in common duds ?"
eyes, they are in uniform, and
mounted, but"
"And which ?"
Mounted"
whats them p
"Good heavens, woman! Won't
you never stop and answer question
or two for met"
Mister, l jest CANT do it till l feel
cold iron aginst this tooth. Couldn't
ye gallop yer critter to one of them
doctors and fetch him along in good
peart hurry with his pulleys p
"No, my good woman, can't be
delayed, but you will tell me what /
want to know, I'll send q man to find
surgeon for you. Now tell me how
many soldiers have gone byw
ia, sakes, mister, | didn't count
'em but thar was quite II heap of 'em.
| reckon ther amt more'n about two
looks and leap or so from here now.
BY joggin' yer critter middlin, lively
| reckon We mought soon overtake
cm and see for yerself"
did they have any artillery"
81 didn't see no signs of sech, but
don't know jest what they have in
their kivered Wagons"
"They had cavalry, didn't they?"
"Not as | noticed, but my tooth was
distractin' me so't / reckon mebbe l
didn't see everything"
"How many men do you think they
had p?
"Pshaw, now, mister, | didn't count
'em, l tell ye. My tooth was a jump
in so jest then l couldn't begun to
do it, but thar was quite a powerful
sight of 'em. Fust thar was walkin'
kumpny, and then cannin kumpny,
and then along kim kumpny on crit
ters. reckon we couldn't spare a
body enough coffee for a mess or so,
could ye ?"-Lige Brown, in Chicago
Ledger.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

a, NJ, +, NJ, Mt, INt' n M II NJ
Mixed train leaves st. Ignace at 90 A. NJ, ar
riyes Marquette $50 r. NJ. Leaves Marquette 90
A. M arrives ST. Ignace 50 y. n.
CORRECTIONAL Via NJ II, Co.'S boat with Mich
isan Central and Grand Rapids X Indiana rail-
roads aud with the elegant sdewheel steamers OF
the Detroit & Cleveland Steam Navigation com
pany for Detroit, Cleveland and all points in the
east, southeast, aud south. The boats OF this limo
ings Thursday and Saturday nights. Ql With boat
lines for Sault st. Marie, Chicago milwaukee, and
an shore points, or With NJ. IL. q o. railroad for
Houghton, Hancock, Calumet, etc., and points on
Chicago & Northwestern railway.
Standard Central time sDuy. Daily except
Sunday tDaily, except Saturday.
A. WATSON, e. w. ALLEN,
GenI Supt, Genl Pass. & T'k't Agt.
Marquette Mich. Marquette, Mich.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
THE FIRST LOSS,
THE BEST LOSS.

At the time purchased the stock of Kock Doney Co., June 2lst
the weather not seasonab for Heavy Suits
queny decided to wait until Fall quitting the Knife
into the Prices" We have OVERHAULED THESE GOODS
the last few days and PROPOSE giving
CHANCE % get
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

81 wonder what Mr.. Eogg meant
to-day when told him about our
new grand piano ?" said Miss Pedal
FOUNDER. II asked him if he would
come over tonight and hear me play,
and he said: No, thank you, I'd
like to see your grand father Won
der why he is so much interested in
grandpapa ?"-Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

An appropriate dress for the milk
man-pumps.-Rambler.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

"She is perfect Amazon" said II
pupil in one of our schools of his
teacher, to his companion. "Yes," F."
said the other, who was better versed
in geography than in history, 81
noticed she had an awful big mouth. "
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
"She did wrong to look back, didn't

"She did wrong to look back, didn't
she, Bessie ?'
"Yes, Mamma"
"And what do you think Lot
thought when he saw his poor wife
turned into pillar of salt!"
81 don't know, mamma 'spect he
wondered where he could get fresh
one. ."-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

An American millionaire, who was
looking at level tract of land which
he had just bought at an extravagant
price, said to the agent who had sold
it to him: 81 do admire a rich, green
flat" $50 do H. significantly re-
piled the agent.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Two ladies are conversing on the
qualities and dement's of their own
fair sex. Said one, with a twinkle in
her beautiful eyes: 81 have never
known but two women who were per-
feet" "Who was the other?" asked
her companion with a smile on her
thin face.-Brooklyn Eagle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

The New England fair-pretty
girls. A sort of Bar Harbor for in
ebriates-the saloon. A poor drum
mer-a drummer on the piano. Mot
to for deserted watering places-shut
up. An old crust-the crust of the
earth. Why is man in the midst
of dense crowd like newspaper
reporter the is connected with the
press.-Boston Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

A Washington avenue boy was left
with u neighbor while his parents
went to see a parade, and overheard
the following gossip about them: at
was love match. They are a most
united couple. After all, the right
way is to marry for love-" Here
the boy interrupted with Mamma
married papa 'caus she was a fool.
She said sop'-Saturday so Evening
Spectator.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

He slipped quietly in at the door,
but catching sight of an inquiring
face over the stair-rail, said: Sorry
so late, my dear; couldn't get car
before" $50 the cars were full, too"
said the wife; and further remarks
were unnecessary.-Chicago Ledger.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
Detroit, Bay City & AIpena R.R'
Time Table No. Z.

All trains run by the Nnetieth Meridian ON Cen
trail Standard time
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

Miss Passay.-"Mr. Smythe, do try
some of those peaches. With my
own hand / planted the tree that bore
them."
Mr.. Smythe, just from abroad
"ls it that large tree on the lawn :?
All, me. How many happy child
hood hours passed reclining in its
shade" Great uproar. Miss Passay
faints.-Rambler.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

IL feel as though l were in heaven" I"
said an ardent admirer, who was slow
in popping the question, to a young
lady.
81 wish you did," was the rejoind-
er.
"Why, do you doubt my word ?"
reproachfully.
"Well-well-they say marriages
are made in heaven" she replied.
She wears an engagement ring now.
IN. Y. Sun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
POCKET BOOKS OF EVERYONE.
G. A l. H.,

Or an ELEGANT CUSTOM APPEARING COAT.
Satin lined and equal those order for
the price.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22
Honest Bargains.

We believe in MAKING OUR LOSS NOW NOT WAIT until ALL
have bought this class of Goods. The Prices will
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-09-22

First young lady.-"And how do
you like Mr.. Brisk? l saw him with
you moment"
Second young lady.-"Am not i'm
pressed. Cannot abide baldheaded
men,"
First young lady.-"Baldheaded {?
Why, his head is not bald"
Second young lady.-"Oh, yes, it
is-insi Life.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-12-29
THE FEARS OF EUROPE.

Tho new year coming brinxs dark fears
instead of bright hopes to Europe. The great
Powers, all armed to the teeth, glover upon
one another at once anxiously and with menace.
While every consideration of humanity and
prudence warns governments against entrance
to quarrel while the unexampled prepared
ness of each demons trates the danger of conflict
and its cost; while dis0rdered finances, the
impovershing fleet of lean years and feverish
speculation, render extra expenditures difficult !;
equally powerful influences are making Tor war
steadily, and tue defences against it grow less
stable continually. Russia and Austria on one
side, Germany and France on the other, seem
to be drifting in spite of all preventive action,
into more and more strained relations. Even
If it Is credible that tHe Car really desires to
keep the peace while Emperor William lives,
there eau be NO certainty based on the assurance
of a ruler whose passions have so often been
his supreme guides, nor Is there any guarantee
for the continuance of the K.liser's reign from
week to week. The elements of strife, more
over fairly swarm in every direction, 80 that
the Powers are like feet picking its way
through roadstead sowD with tOrpedoes, and
unaided by chart or pilot
No one of them can afford war, bat that fact
has never yet prevented it. and has sometimes
hastened it. The internal condition of Russia
could hardly oe more hopeless. from the
Governments point OF view. than 1t il. A
bankrupt nation Ia usually reckless, also.
Austria Hungary is being driven toward bel
ligerence by her Magyar people and interests,
and her ability TO hold back is weakened by the
obvious inability OF Germany to withhold her
alliance should the worst happen. France is
In 60 nervous and excitable a state that though
all her wisest cOuussllors strenuously insist on
the maintenance of peace. the prevailing dis
trust OF German intentions Is liable to cause a
rupture at any moment. Germany on her side
has ample reasons for shrinking from such q
war as the next one with France must be, and
the possibility, moi to cay tina probability, OF
having to fight Russia ut the same time must
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-12-29
A VIOLIN RECITAL.

Mr. John F. Rhodes the first OF two violin recals
last night In steck Hall Mr. Rhodes is well known az
pantaking artist and his efforts last night were enjoyed
by goods and apprecative audience. But II Is ap
parent those who have listened TO M Rhodes from
time time that his performances tend TO show him In
the light of OF the tecnnicaes OF his art
these the days technical cleyerness thorough
mastery. In whatever line IL may be, is demanded
Mr. Rhodes ia capable OF more refinement ne
is too apt to let his enthusiasm run away
with his better Judgment. and he attacks
too vigorously Last night he played numbers by violin
such Joachim SphOr, sarasate Paganim ana
Wieniawski-eight in all and given from menOry-a feat
worthy Of mention. He played adagio from sphoTs
Ninth with unusual feeling and two character
istjc SpanIsh dances by sarasate with
more finish and grace than Characterized his other
numbers. A complete understanding was established
between Mr. Rhodes and his accompanist, Mr.. Adolf
Close and all things considered pleasant evening was
spent.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-12-29
DRAMATIC NOTES.

Mr. Frederick Warde appeared ast night at the Leo
Academy Of Music In Williamsburg, acting Richard
Ill Mr. Warie presents Cibber's version Of Shake
Spares tragedy. but be has hin elf adapted and ar
ran Ell the last scene Of tho first act Miss Annie
PiI.ey Will appear at this theatre next week
saLsbury's Troubadours viii come 10 the Star Thea
tire on February 7. when they will present for the
first time New-York new farce entitled Tho
Hummlng Bird"
"The Romany Rye" will be brought back to tho
Windsor Theatre on January g. This melOdFma Is
presented with strong cast Of parts and on this oc-
casion it will be embelished with new scenery, paint
ed for 1t by Mr.. z. H. Mohn, of the American Opera
Company.
Mr.. Bronson Towards new comedy, MET by
Chance" wnl be produced at the Lyceum Theatre on
January IL Tho manager Of this theatre makes
known tho fact that seats for the earlier performances
of this play besecured by letter prior to tho open
ing OF the sale at the box Office.
The Criterion Theatre in Brooklyn will be closed
next week for alterations In the auditorium. Ih
manager. Dir. BiAby, intends to open it on January
as q frstclass minstrel theatre The entertain
nient will be varied from week to week, and scaP
Of popular prices Will be adopted
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-12-29

weigh heavily on behalf OF peace But the size
of the ornaments gathered together by all the
Powers Is a powerful incentive to war.
When nations which already harbor strong
antiquities aud jealousies, fears and grudges,
against one another. feel themselves to be IN
full fighting condition, and are at the same time
stirred 10 irrtability by mutual doutings and
scofflngs, not much Is required to bring on that
which each breads yet desires Conviction on
the part of the Germans that France will never
rest until she has had a chance for revenge,
might easily prove the final persuasive to war.
In the same way Russia and France, acting
separately or together, might be impelled to
take the plunge. Since too the beginnings of
wars seldom occur according to calculable
FORMS everything may be apprehended and
expected Even the progress of democracy in
Europe has not yet tended to array popular
opinion against the greatest calamity civili-
cation Is liable to. National hatreds are still
deep ted among the masses. and support
sef-seeking Ministries and narrow dynastic
policies. There IL no firm, broad based in
hueuce any here to be counted upon as hostile
to war. On the contrary, even the consider
atons of expediency, which In one aspect
initiate against strife, viewed from another
point seem to tend toward it. The fear of
conquest may impel men to fight not less b IN
the belief in their own invincibility. The cor
victOn that the present situation Is only
provisional; that there must be great re-
adjustment involving the settlement of the
Eastern question, the future of Russia in
Europe, the relations between France and
Germany, and the relations of England to Egypt
and perhaps to India, is becoming general and
such conviction is capable of realizing the
fears out of which it grows. On the whole, the
expression of a wish that Europe may have a
happy new year seems rather meaningless at
the end of 1880
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-12-29
remain enshrined In the hearts OF all who
treasur. chaste and exalted friendship.
Among Mr.. Clevelands Christmas cards last
Tuesday Maa this:


treasur. chuste and exalted friendship.
Among Mr.. CleveIand's Christmas cards last
Tuesday was this:
BY Heaven. cannot hatter; defy
Tho tongue OF soothers; but Drawer place
In my hearts love hath man than yourself
Nay, task me to my word Approve me.
Was Ii possible to resist the tender emotions
excited by such missivef No, and to his
credit be ii said, the President did not try.
Although the govt In his foot scarcely per-
mtted him to hold n pen. he sat down and
implored the object Of his highest passion to
come to him ut once. The letter is oil worth
q perusal. It was as follows,
David my webeoved: How my heart aches for you
tonight would rather see you than write pension
veto never hear that sad refrain, Where Is my wan
derng boy night that don't think Of you The last
time TO have met you missed the train because
you had to sign bill permitting the construction OF
$500 bridge Burntown Creek. Ah we'll do remem
Der IL The time before that was prevented coming 10
meet you by having Republican partisan at
Beeswax. Dakota Now. why don't you drop everything
and come to me Z Do, beseecb you. Your
JONATHAN.
Ps.-Please don't bring your boom with you Our
house Is rather small
The Governor lost no time In complying
with this request. lie packed Dis oaH ahu o""h
the train for New-YOrk. But cruel fate once
more interviewed. He arrived Ia this city only
to learn that upon receipt of the telegram
announcing his departure for Washington, the
Presidents CONT had become worse. with
heav, heart he resigned himself to the situation
aud went back to Albany. The nature must be
cold indeed that can look upon these occur
rences without acute sentiments of sympathy
1t seems altogether unlikely that this world
can ever properly re ward such beautiful friend
ship. The consolation is that If it succeeds in
rev arding either one of the loving pair, the
other will he fully satisfied.