Morning journal and courier., 1886-12-07
DIFFICULT.

It IS very dlfhcult TOT ladv to enter or leave carriage. The carriage IS the hardest part to acquire.-Puek.
 Thompson-Suppose 8 man should call you a liar, what would you doa Jones (hesi- tatingly) What sized man?-Pittsburg Dis patch.
 An exchange remarks that Shakespeare never billed his plays. He never advertised them either, and that is the reason why he died poor man.-Burlington Free Press.
 "Pat1ick, you told rue you needed the al cohol to clean the mirrors with and here l find you drinking it." "Faix, mum, it's drinkin' it and brathing on the glass Oim doin'. life.
 The very latest remark about the youngnan who has corraled everything from beer to champagne the night before and gets around in the morning morose and silent is that "he is talking through his hat" It is said that this is quite as expressive as anything he could say.-New York Sun.
 Mamma-''what is my darling pet think ing of that he is quiet?'' Darling Pet (whose papa has just reproved him for piling sugar on his oatmeal)- l)-'I was thinking how nice it would be if papa would die and you'd marry MT. Smith; he always brings me can dy and says I need sweet things. s."-Pittsburg Bulletin.
 'sSay, ma," whispered little girl in a railway train, '1ook at those two deaf mutes over there," and she pointed to lady and gentleman in the next seat who had not ex- changed word for over an hour. "Hush, my dear" counselled her mother, "they are not deaf and dumb people-they are hus- band and wife. Judge.
 ssHeIlo!' ssHello.' s'Is this the gas com pany's office?' ''Yes; what is itf" "When do the entries for the spring races opena" sWe don't know anything about the spring races This is the gas office" "Correct-keep off there, central. Can anyone round there tellg'' s'Why, what's going ons" "Oh, noth- ing particular. I have & gas meter down here would like to enter, that is al."-Chi- cago News.
 Life insurance agent (6lling out applica- tionl-Your general health is good, is it not9 Applicant-Never had sick day in my | life.
 Agent-Um. You do not contemplate en- | tering upon any hazardous undertaking, l | supposea | am going to get married next Wednesday, | Lowell Citizen.
 Billy Sellers, travelling man, was waiting for the St. Louis girl he was going to take to | the theater to put on her wraps. "Ah," said | he, as he strayed toward the center table, "l
 see that some of your folks are admirers of l the manly sport. To whom do these boxin 3 l gloves belong2'' "Will you be kind enough
 to hand me my ear muffs, which you have in your handg'' she said jelly. A chilliness then l arose between them which has not yet been | dispelled. Traveller. 1 ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE. l The teacher, lesson he taught: | The preacher sermon he praught; The stealer, he stole; | The healer, he hole; And the screecher, he awfully scraught. The long winded speaker, he spoke; | The poor office-seeker, he soke; The runner, he ran; | The dunner, he dan; | And the shrieker most horribly shroke l The flyer to Canada flew; | The buyer, credit he bew; | The doer, he did
 ! The suer, he sid;
 And the liar Ca isherman) lew. | The writer the nonsense he wrote; | The fighter Gan editor) fote; l The swimmer, he swam; l The skinner, he skam: | And the bitter was hungry and bote.