The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1886-10-02

who belongs TO the cold water brigade, Il
wear a white ribbon bearing the motto;
1.-The lips that take wine
Shall never touch mine
But why not &c step further and sing;
And the lad who doth "cuss,'
Him never will "buss.'
And she might attain still nearer to per
fiction, as IA reformer, by adding:
The lips that tobaccers
Are never to smack hers.
But how if the young man, in self de-
fence, we're to insist,
That the girl who chews gum
Shan't be beau ed from her hum,
And no lovers will come
For the sweets Of yumyum.
Some one, an obdurate old bach, no doubt,
has suggested that girls chew gum in imita-
ton of the boys who chew tobacco. And
another probably some one who has been
severely "miltened," hints that they chew
gum to cultivate their jaws TO develop and
strengthen them for the everlasting uses in
life If this be so, the young fellow should
make note ont and by watching the
manner Of his girls waggng her jaws
whether fast and fercely, or slowly and Ian
guidly, whether by fits and starts, or in one
continuous, unceasing wagging of her chin,-
he may thus determine whether her future
chubby is to be jawed to death instantly,
or by instalments, or by the slow but sure
process Of long, uninterrupted effort,
Our city Jail is not so attractive as it
might be. There is a lack Of that elegance
and refinement about its interior which
pleases the aesthetic taste of even the ordi.
nary drunk and disorderly." The walls
are not adorned with exquisite works of art,
save coarse charcoal and nail sketches, made
III an idle hour by some "boarier' who was
uneasy in his mind about when he would be
released The scenery from the windows,
crcumscribed and duh prospect, merely
another wall, painfully bare Of whitewash.
The bill Of fare, too, is not such as delights
the bon ricant, the good liver, who never ges
quail on the half she'll nor canary birds on
toast He generally gets one thing that he
Is sure Of as to a luxurious dinner-he gets
left. And all this may account for the fact
that three bummers, put in there one night
this week. were so Disguised with their
oLn Il 10 ,,l,
without consulting the jailer.
-
The Aurora Nrus says: "The Beacon, in
one article of 86 lines, Saturday, prints 0
square falsehoods.' The Heraid, coming to
the rescue of the Beacon, replies 1.-The
Number mentioned is little above the aver
age"
How in thunder do thay expect q Repub
lcan newspaper can be run if they restrict
it to the truth Perhaps these two other
Republican newspapers mentioned are jeal-
Gus, or are short of the needed inventive
powers.
The TOtleT, new labor paper at Aurora,
after five weeks tribulation, printed its own
obituary and "gave up the ghost last week,
Like the famous English king,
1t regned as long as it could reign,
Aud then it mizzed.
1t turns out that only the county fairs
that permitted gambling were the financially
successful ones this year Such purely az,
ricultural implements rs wheels Of fortune,
and gardening machines as three card monte,
such dairy, kitchen and pantry" appliances
rs keno wheels, those peculiarly useful con.
triyances in cheese making known as chuck.
aluck boards, ought TO be encouraged. or
perish all county and state fairs.
The recent sea. serpent scare on the Hudson
river has collapsed The "sarpent' when
seer in daylight proved 10 be nothing but an
exceedingly long and crooked tree Thus
one by one our sweet decisions end.
A mouse lately visited Sunday school
and the superintendent assaulted the little
creature, knocked il down, and then killed
il with bible Was that fair treatment of
fellow mortal?' as Burns called the "wee
tim rous beastIe," whose nest he plowed up
in the field The mouse bears not the curse
Of Adam and never commits a sin, and yet
we who pride ourselves on our superiority
over all the animal world, are "born in in
iquity, and prone TO sin as the sparks Ny
upward" Yet we adjudge and condemns our
be,ters, the innocent, and demOlish them
with the bible
Ctnoa ba racant L.. nm aa,n,iah.