Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-03-25
For THE HERALD.
The Coming Man.

rors and prophecies of coming evils.
Now new horror is suggested by a
well-known writer in the Forum. 1t is
announced as a scientific fact that we
shall soon be hairless race! To the
man who lives only for
the present, it is matter of small
moment whether his great-great-great-
great grandson has hair or not; but to
the philanthropic philosopher the ques-
ton presents itself as vital one, to be
solemnly and prayerfully faced. 1t
presents itself As an evil of monstrous
proportions. for which remedy must
be found.
In proof of his assertion that we
shall be hairless race, the writer goes
back in the worlds history to that
remote time when the race of man was
covered with hair for garment and
hung by the tail from the branches of
trees. 1t is not within the limits of this
article to picture the Arcadian SIM
plicity of that life. but we cannot re-
press sigh for 'those good old times"
when we think of whole village asleep
by their tails-no beds to make, no
pillow shams to set straight; or when
we see in imagination dinner party
gathered in unconventional enjoyment
round the headquarters of deer, squat
ted on the ground, with claws and
teeth for forks and knives-ne table to
set, no silver to keep clean.
Coming down the ages, the learned
writer shows how the adoption of cloth
ing has obviated the necessity for
hairy covering, how change of abode
and occupation has gradually oJviated
the necessity for various parts of the
body. until great alterations of struc-
ture have taken place. The form of
the brain case has changed; the nicti-
tatIng eyelid. such as birds have, has
dropped off, (though we are still able to
take ird's-eye view of things); the
pointed ears have been rounded; and
the tail has been left on a tree to dry.
In short, the sons of man have been
shutting off, in single pieces. this NOR
tai coil, until we stand to-day, shorn of
all conveniences, and obliged to get on
as best we can, with only one eye-lid,
no thumb-toe. and no tail! Aud now
we are told that the everlasting hat is
making hair a supertluous luxury, by
obviating its necessity. The hair must
go-and it is going. Clothing soon
drove the natural hair product of the
body on: os the markets, and now hats
are fast getting a corner on the hair OF
our heads. Hundreds of baldheaded
men and women testify to the awful
fact. The prehistoric man never knew
the bliss of new ''stove-pipe," nor the
agony of paying his wife's millinery
bill. The coming man will know both,
and pay for his experiences. In fifty
years great strides will have been made
toward universal badness. The woman
who a few years ago looked askance at
a bald head, now regards it as sign
of intellectual heat. Through the hat
and by all the laws of heredity hair
will be eliminated, and we shall have a
bald-headed race. In place of the vel.
low rings you Irvine about your finger,
the future baby will present smooth
round surface, to be scrubbed and
polished to the content of any irate
mother. Hair stores will be closed out
and hair dressing will become lost
art. At no far distant day the few
remaining hair stores will display in
their windows some such signs as
this:
Chignons and waterfalls given aw ay
Your choice for csc.
Five hairs dressed for 10 cents, or Il
for quarter.
The festive barber pole will no long
er ornament the public street. and
the shops will be turned into polishing
Establishments, where, in place of a
first-class haircut, tirst-class shine
will be given at short notice.
To the well-balanced mind, this
future development has variety OF
aspects. At first glance, it seems an
unspeakable horror, to be combated as
one combats the evils of intoxication OF
opium eatlng-an evil against which
crusades shall be organized, with blows
aimed at the root of the evil, viz, the
hats. But there IS another side to be
considered. We must bear in mind
that it is all in the way of develop
ment toward the ideal. If we could
look down on theater full of bald
headed people now, whose shining occi-
puts present the appearance of so many
copper balls, we should consider it a
hideous sight. But it is so much less
physical, and thereby SO much more
spiritual-it is an approach to ideal
beauty. 1t is with thrill of satisfac-
ton that we read that the Americans
are leading the van in this grand
development. The average American
who sits in his hat. eats in it (and often
sleeps in iD, is doing more for the
millennium of universal beauty than
Ruskin with all his lectures and books.
When we are hairless race, there
will be no more telltale gray whitening
the raven locks; but the pol
ished front will present an impartial
surface TO the all-seeing sun. The
domestic of the future will not wear
curl-papers during the morning hours;
there will be no fear of red-headed
children. When we are hairless race
a summer shower can not wreck the
maidenly hopes. When we are hair
less race bangs will be forever abol.
ished, and crimping irons found by the
searcher after antiquities in the year
1000 will be thought some hideous i'm
plement with which we tortured
unfortunate victims.
Let the advanced thinker. the philt {.
sopher, the philanthro the scen-
list, the educator; let all who desire to