The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1886-12-17
BILL NYE's Renaissance
As Committeeman of a Recent Fourth
of July Celebration.

of July Celebration.
In the summer Of n / was on the commit
tee chosen at a meeting of our citizens "to
make arrangements for the proper Observa-
ton OF the regular national day which
marks the onward march Of freedom" We
selected a proper place, hired lumber enough
to make seats with pitch on IL TO insure
the audience staying through the overture.
We secur I'd a slender, lcng-waisted Texas
shoat named Phallas to act as creased pig,
hired 6and from "town," got young
woman with a tall head and twenty-ounce
pippin Adams apple TO read the Declaration
of Independence, and then we began to cast
about US for a good, strong-vOiced orator
who would remain tolerably sober til he
had made mis- speech. We looked the grount
over pretty well and at last decided to call
Col. Braley Of the Sage Hen ranch call
him Col Braley because it suits my purpose
better to call him Col Braley. The gentle
man to whom I refer is still alive, and
would like to be also. Therefore l call him
Col Braley.
We wrote to the colonel pleasing note, IN
which we referred TO his genial manners, his
great popularity and his good sense upon
matters that would naturally interest the
people Of our section. We told him that it
was the general wish that he would favor US
on that occasion, and we hoped for an early
and satisfactory reply. In two days we re-
ceived the following, as well as l am able to
recall it at this date:
SAGE HEN RANCH, June q, 1877.
Mr.. Chairman and Gentlemen of the Fourth
of July Committee:
Your favor regarding a speech upon the
grounds near the oil Buffalo Waller, on the
Fourth Of July, is received. l am no speaker
on such an occasion as that, and l therefore
beg to be excused There is only about one
man out of ten thousand that can make
good Fourth OF July speech, and he IS not,
as general thing, good for anything else.
In the first place, 1 don't seem to have tbs
necessary voice. l have tried it once and
did not succeed The majority of the crowd
went home mad because they couldn't hear,
and the balance went home mad because
they could. So 1 haven't got the voice.
L can stand over on Roundup Nc , and talk
to the foreman on No easy enough, but
can't talk against Sabbath school loaded
with fire crackers
Moreover, gentlemen, I am not & ready
thinker under these circumstances. l am
man OF fair business judgment or else
couldn't have accommodated $500 head OF
No. 1 4-year-olds worth S35 apiece in Omaha
with nothing to begin on five years ago but
a condemned government mule and a hope
ful disposition. You viii admit that
hnancier | am no SLOUGH, when l tell you
that in all that five years the assessor has
never got near enough to hold a converse
tion with me or to sock valuation on my
herd
The trouble with me is that when get up
my feet to talk to a large and perspiring
throng of people my idees are like a bunch
of cattle in the stock yard, for instance. The
whole blamed crowd wants to skin through
the shute and be loadei into the same car at
the same minute, else they won't a con-
demned one Of 'em agree 10 be- loaded.
That's the best way l can express il. I've
either got idees enough to load a car, all at
once faster than can get rid of 'en, or else
can't think of blamed thing. Still, con
tinuing to carry out the comparison, gentle
men, 1 want to say to you that 1 have also
had big fat, 5-year- old Maverick idee got
Wedgsd into my head when / tried to make
a speech, and it would neither go ahead into
the speech nor back out for five minutes.
You can fancy a man Of my position in so
ciety standing up before a mob of his fellow
men and twisting the tail of a reluctant
ides till he is red in the face!
love my country, gentlemen, and love
the dear old flag. You don't hear me brag
about it, though it's nothing to be ashamed
of, but have fought for this flag when, if
had listened to the voice of conscience, I
would have gone to Canada. l have
marched along the endless dusty roads of
the south with seal brown musket on my
shoulder for days and days without seeing
anything to shoot. l have slept in the bot
tom of trench night after night, expe citing
every time that would take my breakfast
next morning in the New Jerusalem. All
this have done because / thought IL was
right, and think so yet; but am not good
off-hand extemporaneous speaker on the
Fourth of July.
I am with you in the spirit that day. 1
will bow my head when you open the exer-
cises with prayer. l will hum with you in a
low, gutteral tone when the glee club sings
"America-" 1 viii pause in my labors while
the Declaration of Independence is being
Kissed out through the clenched teeth of a
young, scared to death elocutionist who
seems to be afraid of the cars. / will suffer
with you in spirit through the long, hot ora
ton, filed with patriotism and perspiration,
but l cannot be there. / will think of YOU
and 1 will ildOrse anything you may say re-
gsrding Freedom from her mountain heights
or Starry Banner Free, or any of those
things, but to stand up before my fellow
citizens and fan the air with the tail of an
a large irregular mass of freedom, of which
we have more than we need and don't know
where to put it or how to use it, is out of my
line.
1 beg leave to subscribe myself yours in
the interest Of the great, ungifted majority,
who do the work but cannot fiuently jerk
the Roman nosed bird of freedom.
JAMES w. BRALEY
To Bill Nye, chairman CREASED pig and ora
ton committee. Boston Globe.