davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
HUMOROUS.

Sbarp work-Grinding an ax.
 A flat failure-A poor pancake.
 The ocean is like good housewife very tidy.
 How to keep down taxes-sit on the tax collector.
 When man buys porous plaster he generally sticks to his bargain.
 The wind is always blowing about something, but there is nothing in it.
 It is very proper to refer to the "smil- ing countenance" of gentleman who wears ''blossom nose."
 A coal stove is cast iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down.
 "By the way," exclaimed Smithers, "have you two fves for tenH" q havc," repl e l Jobson. "Thea, lend me one of them."
 The fact that man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
 'You never have much to say to the ladies, MT. Smilax-how is thatf" "Well, l never have time-they have so much to say to me-"
 A man may stand the freaks of Fate,
 The shocks of doom, and not surrender, But all these fail to aggravate
 As doth a twist in his suspender. "After much research and investiga- tion," says an exchange, ''we are con- vinced that the boarding house chickens are matched from hard boiled eggs" Someone has invented substance that can be seen through moro clearly than glass. We don't know what it can be, unless it is mans excuse to his wife for not returning home before 3 a. m. ....
 Four year-old Belle had been watch ing Tom, the cat, squeeze through very small hole under the house. "Oh, mamma" she said, ''you ought to have seen Tom. He just mashed and went under"
 'My dcah boy I am waiting for va cancy," said the dude, when asked why he did not adopt some employment. "Tnen you need wait no longer" was the reply. "You have one right under your hat.
 Enfant Terrible: Why have you gray hair, mammal Mamma Because you are such naughty little girl. Enfant Terrible: Then how naughty you must have been, mamma! Grandmamma'i hair is quite white. The girls in some parts of Africa have to be six feet high before they can mar. ". The Africans probably think that small woman cannot manage her hus- band. A brief residence in this country would soon teach them better.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
A successful attempt at co-ope at

A successful attempt at co-oper rativc farming is reported in England. A compa- ny of city workingmen, tradesmen and me- chanics in London, who were out of en- ployment, united in an association which rented runn;ng-down farm of 184 acres near London. They paid a comparatively high rental for such land, thirty five shillings ($s.75) per acre, but put so much labor on it that the enterprise was a success. The land was enriched and devoted largely to market gardening and dairying, the latter increasing as the as- sociation secured capital to purchase COWS. Formerly only four men were em- ployed on the farm. Now it gives con stant employment to forty, with propor- tionate increase of profit. This, the New York MaH and Express thinks, is possi- ply suggestive experiment for unem- ployed workingmen il this country. It is comparatively easy to secure land on favorable terms.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
Maggie Beading, seventeen year-old

Maggie Beading, seventeen year-old girl, living at Banksville, Allegheny county, Penn., has been in a trance for over two years, with the exception of three short lucid intervals She fell down stairs in August, 1884, injured her spine and was permanently paralyzed. She does not seem to remember the names. of the living, sometimes bows and smiles when dead relatives or friends are mentioned, and indi> ates with her arms and eyes that she sees them. She sings hyms, but instead of the tune to which she learned the words she sings airs which have never been heard before Their rythym and harmony are perfect and they are sweet and beautiful Her mother and all her relatives firmly be- lieve they are the songs of angels which shs has heard and learned by hearing them singing.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
The Smallest State in EurODe.

The smallest state in Europe-six square kl0metres-is the--territory of Moresnet, between Verviers and Aix-la- Chapelle. It contains rich zinc mines, which are worked by the Societe de la Vieille Montague. In 1915 commission was appointed to fix a boundary line be- tween Prussia and the Netherlands, which was agreed upon on every point save as regards Moresnet. Each country claimed the zinc mines, or an adequate indemnity; it was finally resolved to consider the miserable tract of land, which contained only fifty squalid huts near the mines, independent and neutral. Since then the condition of the territory has greatly changed. It contains at present eight hundred houses, nice, we'll stocked shops, and the inhabitants are well-to-d The territory has remained neutral, and is patriarchally admins tered. Prussia and Belgium have each appointed resident commits sioner, who endeavor to settle amicably any possible difficulties arising, but who do not otherwise interfere. At the head of the administration is burgomaster, who selects his ten councilmen; he is the keeper of the archives, supcrintends the real estate bureau, and is, in fact, the autocrat ruler. For the past two years this office has been filled by peasant named Schmitz, who has selected as chief councilman an aged physician, liked by young and old. These two men constitute the government de facto-all the other councilmen agree to the reso- lutions of the council of two, and all the resolutions are unanimous! The admin istration of the state requires 12, 900 francs per annum; each inhabitant pays an average tax of six francs. That sum suffices to keep the schools and roads in repair; there is no military service; the posse comitatus consists of only one man, who wears auniform as the official badge of the 'FRepublic of Moresnet." The village lies in a lovely valley, which boasts of pretty lake and ruins of an old castle of the time of Charlemagne and the denizens of Verviers and Aix- la- Chapelle frequently repair there on Sun days to make jovial over a glass of wine. This idyllic 'republic" has of late es- tablishcd post office of it's own, which issues postage stamps of value of one to fifty pfennige Ca treasure trove for philatelistsD and over the entrance of which stands in big letters the name of the almighty ruler of the te.-Ameri- cdn Register.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

New York Hotel managers say that the fracture of dishes-china, glass and earthenware- is a more serious item of expense than any outsider would suppose. Although they make it a rule, for their own protection, to charge broken dishes to the servants when they are plainly careless, the rule does not relieve the hotels from serious loss every year. The greatest amount of breakage is in hand ling and washing; dishes may not be
 actually broken at first, but they are constantly nicked and cracked, and,
 after that, soon go to pieces. Large houses like the Fifth Avenue and Windsor sustain loss of fully $10, 900 annually in this way, independent of what the servants pay for. Managers say that it would be 50 per cent. greater except for the system of fines imposed on the domestics, who arc made by it less heed- less. Any householder may judge from the destruction of dishes in his own kitchen what it must be in great hotel.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
PrODhetS.

The country is overrun with prophets who have not made success in life. There has been no systematic study given to the art of prophesying, and the large number of brokcn-down prophets is due to our defective system of educa. ton. The only safe way 10 become successful prophet is to wait patiently until after the event has transpired and then declare that you foretold it two years before. This was the way that Wiggins made his reputation. He only failed when he foolishly attempted rrophesying events in the future -tvnN
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
Jonathan Bass, of Cambria, N. Y.,

Jonathan Bass, of Cambria, N. Y., is solid man. In 1s4s his joints began to stiffen and grow into solid bone; in 1856 he took to his bed, and there he lies now perfectly stiff, every joint solid, un- able to stir, unable to masticate food, and blind. Yet he eats the heart.est food by sucking it into his mouth and swal. lowing it whole. His constitutional health is good, he keeps himself informed on current topics, and is likely to live many years yet. He is now fifty-six years old and weighs but seventy five hounds
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

A letter from the Crescent City says that the battle-ground of New Orleans is, to-day, the very prettiest spot of in terest to be found in all our land. It is beautiful orange grove, and under these fruitful and laden trees the most perfect riot of flowers that art and gener- ous nature can bring together. Many of these flowers are such as bloss om the winter through. Here the Federal au- thorities established cemetery for sol diers. Twelve thousand Federal dead lie'here, with nearly as many thousand British. In corners of the graveyard you see little heaps of British cannon-balls dug up when digging graves for the Federal dead. These balls are small and rusty, not unlike the oranges that hang on the trees overhead. The monument to Gen. Jackson placed on the spot where he is supposed to have sat on his horse and directed the battle, is only half completed and in a sad state of decay.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

Ex- United Sta.es Senator Roscoe Conklng has not forgotten the peculiar metaphors of his Senate days. The latest remark credited to him refers 10 his efforts to impcach the testimony of red-nosed witness who, Mir. Conkling thought, had lied while in the witness chair. In addressing the jury Mir. Conk- ling spoke of him thus: "Gentlemen, think I can see that witness now his mouth stretching across the wide desolation of his face, a fountain of false- hood and a sepulchre of rum"
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

"Some idea of the immense resources of this country" says the Washington Post "may he gained from the fact that since 1855 the Government has paid in pensions, in round numbers, $sS5, 0oo, 900, and of this enormous sum all except s25, 900, 900 was paid since the Civil War. In 1867 the interest on the na- tional debt was $144, 900, ,000, and in those thirty one years $1, 315, 900, 900 has been paid to the holders of Government honds D
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
note is detected the slightest trace of its

note is detected the slightest trace of its author is gone. This is one of the TO- mances of the Secret Service. There is not an officer connected with the service but who firmly believes that even this evasive counterfeiter will be caught in the end. It will be hard job to find him. He is only one of sixty millions of people, with no connections or relations with the other members of the human family to betray him. And yet every successful counterefeitcr this country has thus far known has been brought to punishment in the end.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

A medical journal says ''the applica> tion of bit of ice to the lobe of the ear will stop hiccoughing.". Commenting upon this statement the New York Grapli; facetiously observes: "All a man who is accustomed to hiccoughing has to do then is to carry bit of ice around in his vest pocket and he can cure himself instantly. Without medi- cal journals this world would be very sickly world"
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
Lost His Sight,

He wore upon his hand-organ a placard:
 ''This poor man lost his sight at the battle of Iuka."
 A gentleman saw him open his eyes and look at his watch.
 ''Here, sir, I thought you lost your sight at the battle of luka."
 ''So did. Lost sight off my gun. Sh!. .Step aside, sir, and let the lady come up."- Chicago Neaos.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
Killing TO,ether.

Hiding together in the May weather, Ny love and I; All the birds singing, all the trees f1inging Their green hearts out to the sky. Through the bright weather al lways together, Never a thought of pain, Or dark days when the soul says: Will it ever be spring again!" R ding together through winter weather, We'll face the storm; Not one fearful; patient and cheerful; Hands frozen-and hearts all warm, any weather happy together Always-my love and I! Ride we on till we die
 -Conureuutioau{ist
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
The Way Was All Clear.

Mabel-W you come in Charlie2
 Charlie (gloomily)-You forget that your father injured my feelings last eve ming when 1 was leaving.
 Mabel-Ycs, darling, but he wore his carpet slippers at the time, and now his foot is done up in bandago and he goes on a crutch. Come in. Charlie.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
MO-. 23.

The production of gold and silver in the world during the calender year of 1885 was: Gold, $1O1, 5sO, OoOs silver, calculated at its coining value, nearly $125, 900, 900. The United States pro duced $s3, 400, 900 worth of gold and silver or about two-ffths of the produc- ton of the whole world.
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

It would seem that with age people outgrow the tendency to commit crime. MT. Z. R. Brockway, in the November Fo- rum, points out that of 15, 900 prisoners in New York State 10, 900 of them are not more than thirty years of age, while probably 5000 are under twenty-five
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01

MT. Vivian, London grain broker, estimates the worlds supply of wheat in 1886 at 9, IA, SIT, 702 bushels, of which Europe furnished 1, 175, 5O5, 234 bushels and the United States 939, 332, 46e bushels
Connecticut western news., 1886-12-01
Connecticut Western News.
PUBLISHED AT CANAAN, llTcHFlflD co CONN.,, EVERY WEDNESDAY MORNING.
\ t. BECkLEY, EdtI and Proprietor. Local News n Speciality,

TERMS:
 $2OO per year, if paid strictly in advance. II not paid at the expiration of three mopths a 25 will be charged.
 Subscribers desiring their papers discon- ttnued must give notice at the EXPIRATION of their subscriptions, any previous notice not Being sufficient; and unless all arrearages are psio, papers VIII not then be discontinued ave at the option O. the publisher.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07

If THERE were any other than the repub.
licsu party to which the right thinking peo-
pie who have heretofore been acting with
the democratic party could join, the action
Of the latter party, in several recent partcu-
lars, would drive them away from it. The
democratic party in Wisconsin, for instance,
is making fight against the re- election of
Governor Rusk of that State. not upon the
good and justifable grounds of his high tariff,
monopoly and sectionaism, but chiefly be-
cause, by the strong hand Of the law, OF
which he was the executive officer, he sum-
marily suppressed the SO called labor riots
in his State last spring, and thereby benefit
ed mis- State and every man in it, including
those engaged in the riots.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07

NORTHERN MANUFACTURERS, ne.ipg the
handwriting on the wall that the onerous
and Uni ust protective tariff is drawing to q
close, are searching the South for minerals
and forests, and are buying all the mines
and timber lands they can find, so as to be
enabled, by the superior manufacturing
facilities OF the South, to compete with for
eign manufacturers when the sound, wise
and just policy shall by adopted by which
the citizens Of this country shall be allowed
to buy in the cheapest and sell in the dear
est markets of the world. Virginia has
already commenced to profit by the agi-
tation for a revenue tariff, and large invest
ments Of Northern capital have recently
been made in her coal and iron and wooded
lands.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07

NEWS OF THE HAy

Bernardino Biondelli, the Italian philolo.
gist and antiquarian is dead, at the age OIL
Mt. Olivet Commandery, of Richmond
and st. Marks Commandery, of Petersburg
about two hundred men in all, colored
Knights Templar, visited Washington YES
terday.
1t is stated that II 900 men were in line
in the Artisans" parade of the knights
of Labor in Baltimore yesterday. Similar
demo nstrations were made in several cities
throughout the country.
The total damage to property in the
United States and Canada by fire last mon tn
was over thirteen million dollars. The
losses by fire thus far this year aggregate
81, 100000. "
Hon. VIM. A. Wallace is now prominent.
~ mentioned in connection with the demo.
cratic nomination for Congress in the TWEEN
tieth district of Pennsylvania. The district
is now represented by the Hon. A. G. Cur.
tin.
The returns from the State and county
elections in Arkansas show the election Of
the democratic State ticket by Il large ma
lority, the third party movement, or labor
ticket, getting very small vote. The Leg.
islature will be democratic by about the
usual majority.
Hon. Ohio Il. Singleton has been defeated!
for the democratic nomination for Congress
in the fifth district of Mississippi. Mr.
Singleton has represented the district since
1873. He also represented it several terms
prior to the war, and was member of the
Confederate Congress four years.
A ol r
San Francisco CAT reports wonderful dis
coveries Of gold in quartz and placer de-
posts, copper, coal and Gil springs in
the Snake river range. Whilst it may be
true that there are evidences of gold, copper
coal and even oil springs in that region
whether they are in paying quantities is vel
| to be determined.
The ahdication Of Prince Alexander i'm
mediately after reganiug his throne is bo
| ieved TO be due to intimations from Berlin
and Vienna that an independent Bulgaria
was not included in the policy discussed
aud adopted ut the recent Gas:ein confer.
ence. That policy, it is said, contemplated
the absorption ultimately Of Bulgaria into
| Russia, and the unopposed advance of the
Car to Constantinople, provided Auatri.
Hungary is permitted TO annex Bosnia and
! Herzegovina, and extend her territory tc
the Mediterranean at Salonjca.
| The Chicago Inter. Oceans Mayicopa
Ariz., special says: Gen. Miles makes
public the successful close Of the Apache
war in the following telegram, dated Fort
Bowie, Ariz., september 6: 1.-The hostile
Apaches surrendered on the Ith to tine
troops in the field as prisoners Of war.
arrived here last night with Geronimo
NateheZ and three others. Capt. Lawton
brings in tbs remainder. All will be ship
ped out Of this country about 1000 mile.
east. | an also moving all from Fort
Apache in the same direction"
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07

AN ANARCHIST is at once transformed
into the most conservative and law abiding
citizen rs soon as he becomes posses sod ofany
property the value of which depends upon
the preservation of law and order. The
striker also is suddenly changed into the
most pronounced opponent of strikes and
boycotts as soon as he becomes an employer.
Bat rs oil men can not own property, nor
all become employers, as from prehistoric
times there have been people without prop.
cry and people who have had to labor, and
there have been in fact, ifnot in name, annr-
chists aud strikers from the commencement
o. the world, and will be until the end
thereof
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07
6ElRrEesfDsf.

Rain began falling in Charleston early
yesterday morning, and caused considerable
alarm on account Of the shelterless condi.
ton of the people. Fortunately, there were
only light showers. The South Carolina,
Charleston and Savannah and the Richmond
and DanvlIe Railroads are issuing free tick
cts to persons who wish to get away from
the city, and about FIVE hundred awaited
themselves of this privilege yesterday The
British steamship Amethyst, at Charleston
dock, has placed her decks at the disposal
OF the homeless people. On account of the
many robberies reported in the city mount.
ed patrol has been established. The deaths
for the week ended September 4 were 9S, OF
which IS were on account of the earthquake.
Since then several more have died from the
same cause. The contributions received to
date amount to nearly one hundred thou
sand dollars, but by tonight the fund is ex-
pected to be increased to two hundred thou.
sand. The relief committee have opened
headquarters aud are distributing provis-
ions. The supply of government tents has
run ont, and it is likely some Of the money
will be used to erect temporary board shell
ters. Scientists are predicting that shocks
will be felt in and around Charleston every
day for some weeks to come.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07
DIED.

9, AT the residence of hor son. W. I. Clifford
washington, ID. G., Sept 6, 1855. MARY ANN
CLlttORD, wife of the late G. W. Clifford. in hcr
10Th year. - 'N'
KIND REMEMBRANCE OF TIE DEPARTED,
By heffr'e"d s Hal, B street, s. C., JroStngiop y r
10, sho licth there, rcposcs;
Calmly sleeps in Deaths embrace.
Cold and lifelcss is the form
We have viewed face to face.
We enter in the room she silent.
No more upon her couch she means
Nor suffering pains nor anguish felt,
But peace and rest to her returns
Funeral from the residence Of her dauphtor A.
n. Patrick street. Wednesday morning at / I
o'clock. Friends respectfully invited.
On Monday, September &, 1886, at mdnipht
ELIZA s., rclict of tho late James Entwisle' Of
this city, in tho eighty-third year of her ava En'
tered into her eternal home. fa.:" Hcr kindred
and friends are hereby notified that tile burial Of
her remains will take place on tomorrow WED.
nesdayl afternoon, at halfpast four o'clock from
Tue residence OF l. {. O Neal, esq. No. 1G4 Prince
street. No flowers Washington papers please
copy. f0''"0
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1886-09-07

FORTY KNOTS AN HoUR.-The idea that
it is possible to propel ships at the rate OF
forty knots an hour, or at some speed much
higher than exists at present, is being dis.
cussed both in this country and in America.
Prof. Thurston, of the Sbley College, has
recently taken up the subject and concludes
that it is possible. The reasoning of those
who hold that forty seven miles all hour is an
attanable speed is based from beginning to
end on what is done in torpedo boats; but
it by no means follows that what is possible
on small scale is equally possible on g.
large scale. 1t would be necessary, in order
to secure success, to augment not only the
dimension of the moving parts, but the
strength of the materials of which they are
made without augmenting their weight in
like manner, IN way which is not practical
BILE. So far as can be seen the limit has been
very nearly reached at present in such ships
us the Oregon and the America. IF the power
acquired augmented in any reasonable ratio
with the speed, then great advances would
he practicable. Yet, even if doubling the
power doubled the speed, it is not easy to
see how double her present speed could be
got into the America. This vessel has a
displacement of $500 tons, and engines in
dicating 5000 horses. In smooth water she
makes when driven nearly twenty knots :;
but, unfortunately, to double her speed
would require not less than eight multiplied
by 5000, equals $4,000 horse power at least
probably $4,000 is nearer the MARYLAND
this is quite out Of the question. The only
hope of success must be sought in the dis
covery or invention of some type of engine
which will have no reciprocatiug parts "a
rotary engine, in fact, which will permit an
extravagantly high piston speed to be
adopted, and even then the chance that
such speed could be made paying speed
is extremely problematical.-Londo Public
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