Connecticut western news., 1886-11-24
THE BIG BONANZA
Provided by Some Modern Politicians

JIM CRACK.-HallOW thar! Wnaf go ye, Nick?
 NcK RIpoN.-Ise gwon home wid my pocket full.
 JIM C.-Pocket full uv wat? uv pra- ties? or a jug uv the dare craythur? An, Nick, joost one drap fur an ould frind; ye see, Nick, I've bin sweatin' an lath- erin all day at the lecshun, an I'm as dhry as pepper-corn, l am.
 NICK R.-Ah, niver bit uv thim, Jim; I've nary praties, nor ony uv the dare ould craythur that makes an ould feller fale young agin. But, Jim, look ye here; me ould durty pocket is full uv the rale dust; dust that makes the meer go, Jim, an the ould woman laugh oot nv both corners uv her mooth.
 JIM C.-An' faith, Nick, whare dye git all this? Ye'v bin burglerin.
 NICK R.-Nay, nay; Jim, I've bin whare thare's more uv the sputter than ony chist ye've ever saw, an whare's that? Doon at the lecshun, to be sure. I dropped right into bouse or bow anza, as they say doon in Ca!iforny twas the rale stuff, and bags nv 1t.
 JIM C.-Hi, ho! ould feller, how in dunder did ye scrape all this up? By golly, we've sthruck 1t rich. How in the divil did ye do it?
 NICK R.-Ah, Jim; I've d1skivered thare's more uv the rale sartin sure shin in dust in this her 'Merican lecshuns Ye see, Jim, as I walked up to slip in | i,,' ;,,t votes, joost as they buy an sell calves at the depot only they paid darn site more fur vote than fur calf. So as came along one nv the lackies fur big bug up fur office sthepped up to me as mighty as Cesar to see if WIS meller. Says he to me, says he, My good fel- Ter, you gwon to vote?" "Yis," says I. I'm citizen uv this grate republic, an I'm in fur bargin." "How much?' says he in whispur. Twenty-Five dollars says I. An as quick as ye cod say Jack Robinson he slid $25 into me hands wid the ticket. Thin he walked me right up to the box an I dhropped It in while he watched nc as cat wo'd a mouse. But, Jim, I felt 8 little sick whin I did it, but whin looked at the goold which felt so good in me hand ii passed off as seasickness dug whin one gifts an the land Thin I sould me son Johns vote fur $25. Thin a regular Mug sthepped up to me, an says he to me, "Have ye any more votes?" An says I, ''I guess I kin git 'em." " ''Well, , says he to me in low whispur, bring 'em an, and in lower whispur says he ''bring me all you can an I will pay you $25 fur livery one," an he shuk rite in me face whole shot-bag full uv the yaller dogs. But, Jim, by all the saints didn't wish I had g hundhred boys they'd be betther thin mine nv goolo in ould Canaan.
 JIM C.-An' well, Nick, which party did ye sell yer vote to?
 NICK R.-Why, ye ignorant craythur to both parties, to be sure. Both arc an the buy, joost as d1macrats and re publicans buy calves. Phat in thun dher's the difference? a calf is calf an a vote is a vote. The dimacrats have SC many poor dirty divils that they have tt pay to git thim cot, an the republican have to pay to keep up we'll, ye see, an they pay darn'd we'll too. So both par ties put up men who have the spondu liks. Naythur party puts up any of yel poor cusses, fur they can't git in. Why Jim. they say livery sinator at Washing ton is millionaire and livery one u' thim able to put legislature in hi pocket. Elf man be as ignorant as Pa Mullins an as wicked as Judas, eff loik' Judas he has the bag thin he's the mar ivery toime, fur he kin fut the bill.
 JIM C.-Ah, an sure Judas didn't flu the bill, Nick; his conshunse kicked a tho the ould sarpint wuz in him, an h. gorged up, an thin he co dn't sthand an bust up.
 NICK R-An' sure he did. But, y see, these Judases know how to do tn thing heap betther. They bate tn ould Judas an come in many lingth ahead. Ye see, these Judases sell tn Lord an stick to it. They don't cave Ii loike him, It wud be hard case flu us poor craythurs eff these Judases shu all go an hang thimselves. No, the stick. Why, one uv thim tould me Il felt so much fur us poor wretches tha he had bot thousands nv votes. He SCI he called thim mules an he sed he ha stables fur thousands more. That's tn kind O man, J1m, that makes these leo Shuns mines uv goold fur us. No, thes men don't hang thimselves.
 JIM G. But. Nick, don't ye thin they orter hang?
 NICK R.-Ye miserable cray thur, hay n't ye so much uv conshunse as vii Injun? Here's the argument: The dim acrats must exist fur the good uv man kind The whole race wud go to smas widout thim But the dimacrats wu sink into purgatory as quick as @ win l z |, T ,o%0 %Io licans wud go to hotther place eff the { cudn't keep up thare end, an eff thar f war no dimacrats an no republicans thi grate counthry uv the United State wud go to the divil sure. Thin, Jim haven't we built thare railroads an du thare canals an haven't we right t. some uv the money? Thin here's vot in me own hard, honest hands. Isn't mine by all the blood shed fur 1t? sware its mine. Jim, an sure ye will no deprive an honest man uv his property an eff thare's money in the vote so mucl the betther for me, Jim.
 JIM C.-But honor! honor! Nick.
 NICK R-But away wid ye, ye plastic numskull; is not me honor me Oaca hon or? an eff thares money in it haven't right to sell it? Honor costs sumthin. an haven't I a right to sell it fur sum thing? Indeed, I have calves an pig to sell, an why do l dot? Isn't it be cause thare's money in thim? An eff find sum internal knaves who haven any honor uv thare own and want to bu, sum lv mine haven't I right, aye, is , not kindness fur me to sell thim sun uv mine? an'~ef I sell me honor to an ither man isn't he betther off an eff man pays me phat its worth haven't got it all back? An sure, Jim, cud praste argue betther than this? Thin hi ho, Jim. we'll sthop farmin! an' dic rlno an we'll make our fortune iI