The Press., 1886-02-25
BEING A WOMAN.

It is dreadful bother to be woman and do the business up in good shape In the first place, you've got to look we'll, ever so homely and still be popular, Whiskers cover up most of his face, and if he has big mouth nobody mistrusts 1t, and If he does wrinkle bad on his forehead his friends speak of his many cares and of thoughtful disposition, and tell each other that his wrinkles are lines of thought Lines of thought, indeed, when in all probability his forehead is wrlnkled by the bad habit he has got of scowling at hls wife when the coffee isn't strong enough.
 A woman must always be in good order. Her hair must always be frizzled and banged, as fashion demands, and she must powder if she has a shining skin and she must manage to look sweet, no matter how sour she may feel her dress must hang just so, and her boot buttons always in place, and her finger nails always clean and then she mustn't whistle, nor climb fences, nor stone cats, nor scold when she's mad.
 She can't go out alone, because ladies must be protected ; she can't go anywhere when it rains, because her hair won't stay frizzed and snell get mud on her pettl- coats and things she can't be freema- son, because she would tell their secrets and everybody would know all about the goat and gridirOn ; she can't smoke, be- cause that would be unfeminine; she can't go counting, because that would not be womanly. But she must get married before she is twenty-five, or everybody will feel wronged. People will sigh over md so ''don't seem to take; ;' and all the old maids and widows smile and keep quiet. Oh, these smiles and these significant looks ! They are ten times more than open islanders.
 It IS terrible thing to be an old maid. Everybody knows it is, and the women who are married to drunken husbands and who mai-age to quarrel with them six days out of seven, will live in an agony oi spirit over the single woman, and call hel that poor old maid.
 A woman must marry rich, or she does n't marry "well." And to marry 'swell' IS the end and aim of 8 woman's existence judging from the view which people in general take of this matter. It is every body's business whom woman marries. The whole neighborhood put their heads together and talk over the pros and cons and decide whether she is good enough for him. CThere is nothing said about his being good enough for her.) And ! they criticise the shape of her nose, and relate anecdotes how lazy her grandfather was, and how her Aunt Sally used to sell beans and buttermilk A woman must wear No. boots on No. 3 feet, and she must manage to dress we'll on 75 cents g week, and she mustn't be vain. and she must be kind to the poor, aud she must go regularly to the sewing society meet lngs, and be ready to dress dolls and make tidies and aprons for church fairs. She must be good cook, and she must be able to ''do up' her husbands shirts SC that the Chinese Washerman would groan with envy and gnash his teeth with the same unholy passion at sight of them.
 She must always have the masculine buttons of the family sewed on so they will never come off while in use, and she must keep the family hosiery so that nobody would ever mistrust there were toes in the stockings while they were on. She must hold herself in constant readi. uess to find everything her husband has lost-and man never knows where tC find anything. He will put his boots carefully away on the parIor sofa, and when he has hunted for them half an hour ne will suddenly appear to his wife with countenance like an averaging angel, and demand "What in thunder she has done with his boots ?" She must shut all the doors after her lord and master, and like wise the bureau drawers, for married man was never known to shut drawer. It would be as unnatural for hen to gu Ill swimming for recreation.
 She must go to bed first in cold weather so as to get the bed warm. Her husband, ii he be wise man, never asks her to dU this. Oh, nc but he sits to 'sjust finish this piece in the paper," and waits till she has got the sheets to comfortable temperature. An, there are 8 great many tricks ill the trade of living together. A woman is expected to take care of the baby even after the first infantile wonder has multiplied into round half dozen. And if he doubles up with the collie or Er1als of cutting teeth or the necessary evils of humps and measles and whuopiug cough and scarlet fever and rash and throat distemper, and short sleeves and bare legs and pins sticking into him and too much candy and bad temper, why her husband tells her that he "does wish she would try and quiet her baby" and he says it too as if he thought she alone was responsible for it's being in existence, and as if she was considerably to blame for it too.
 And when she has the headache nobody thinks of minding it-a woman's always having the headache. And if she is nervous enough to fly" nobody shuts the door any quieter, and nobody tucks her on the lounge with a shawl over her or coddles her to death as man has to be COdCllnd under such nircumsfancns
 We might go 9n indefinitely with the troubles of being woman, and if there is time of it, why, just let him pin on g pound of false hair and get inside a pair of corsets, and put on 8 pull-back over skirt, and be woman himself and see how he likes it.-LoWeH Tunes.
 Lying is often attemnted when the tri1ka ,zour rd