The Portland daily press., 1886-12-28

tory OF the Ahlfty years war, anu only uoiiar
TAKE it away, take it away yehemently; 1--WE
been married Just 30 years myself"
The best selling proprietary article in this SEQ
tIon is Lydia 4. Pinkhams Vegetable Compound.
Ladies all praise it and physicians recommend it.
Restaurant proprietor Ito chef)-I am afraid
you have put too much veal in this chicken salad,
Chef-It's all veal sir. Shall l put in little
chicken?
Proprietor-No Put in some feathers, and if
any guest say veal" to me- I'll ask him if he ever
saw calf with wings.
We are pleased to see the familiar face of
"Yours for Health in the papers again, long may
it continue. The ladies have learned to love it.
Caller-How much younger is Sarah than Eliza
beth?
Sarah (sobbing)-you said as much as four
years ago that was four years younger; and If
haven't got any older think it's pretty queer"
Vegetine has been used with great success in
the treatment of dyspepsia.
Mrs. Brimmer- must have a new dress and
there ale so many pretty shades can't make up
my mind which to chose.
Mr.. B.-I presume you will have the bill sent
to me?
mis-. B.-Mny 10 De sure L Will!
Mr B.-Well, then, TO be consistent suppose
you choose dun color.
More cases of sick headache, billiousness. con-
stipation, &C.. can be cured in less time, with less
medicine, and for less meney, by using Carriers
Little Liver Pills, than by any other means
what are you sealing up in that envelope so
important instructions that forgot to give my
wife before came down town this morning, Co
ing to send IL up to the house."
"Will your wife open II at ORce2"
lyon bet she Will. I've liked all that"
"How?"
on the corner of the envelope"
Backache is almost Immediately relieved by
wearing one of Carters Smart Weed and Bella
donna Backache Plasters. Try one and be free
from pain Price % cents.
1t is midnight. Monsieur wakes up suddenly
with the most violent cramps IN the stomach ana
begins to make a terrible cutlery
'sWbat in the world makes you act like that?"
demands his wife, who has been awakened by
the disturbance
thought il was the preparation of iron and qui-
nine that the doctor left for me-"
You are mistaken my dear, IT was some
strychniDe that bought to poison the rats
with"
''0h, my Godl my God!' he groans IN agony,
s'For mercy's sake don't make such noise"
exciaims madam in distress; you will wake up
the Children"
The best medical writers claim that the
successful remedy for nasal catarrh must be non
irritating easy of application and one that will
by its own action, reach all the remote sores and
liberated surfaces, The history of the efforts TO
treat catarrh during the past few dears obliges
SIS to admit that only one remedy has completely
met these conditions and that is Ely's Cream
Balm. This safe and pleasant remedy has mas
tered catarrh as nothing else has ever done, and
both physicians and patients freely concede this
fact The more distressing symptoms quickly
yield TO 1t.
Doctor-Good morning. How are you today?
Patient--Better, doctor; much better.
D0ctOr-Thats good news / was detained
much longer than expected and was aHaid you
would be uneasy.
Patient Oh no. believe the old adage; "A
patient waiter is no loser.'
The people may talk about humbugs and patent
medicines as much as they please, but we stick to
the plain fact that Dr. Bulls Cough Syrup win
cure a cough quicker than any physicians pre-
seriptions.
No better liniment than Salvation Oil 25 cents.
aCannoyer, my boy, I've big scheme inland
viii you JOIN me?"
"What is 1t, Joe?"
making toothpicks."
''Oh, TO thunder with money! It's fame we
want Wen stamp our names on the to0thpcks.
They'll be in eyerybodys mouth them"