News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-09-23

G. has bad name for personal clean
illness. Somebody having broached the
subject in his presence, &. observed:
| sit is no fault of mine; natures to
blame. One should not bathe for three
hours after having eaten, and l am so
constituted that | cannot remain longer
than two hours without eating. So you
see, | cannot possibly take a bath!''
''But if you knew she was in the
habit OF getting mad, why did you
marry herr"
Because if l had held back, she
would have got madder than ever.
did it to pacify her, don't you -
1eras SJttmgs.
A COOL AFFAIR.
''Hello, Brown! 1 see you and Miss
Jones are not so intimate as formerly"
mo. She is nice girl, but she al
fec ed me like an ague."
Affected you like an ague2 How
was that7''
''She shook me-"
SOMETHING TO STUDY.
Visitor tto dime museum freak)-
What is your speciality, my friend?
Freak-I'm the man who really knows
more than he thinks he does. Want a
photograph? Quarter of a dollar, sir.
Visitor-Yes; give me half dozen.
I'd wear one out in a week lookin' at it.
A TERRIBLE DROUGHT.
Stranger Ito Cincinnati citizen) l
understand YOU have had quite drought
in Cincinnati2
Cincinnati CitiZen-Yes, it was ter
rible-terrible. Why, at one time water
was so scarce that it was almost impos-
sible for the saloon keepers to get enough
to wash beer glasses with.
BAD TEMPER
''You say your wife gets mad and
raises row2n
81 should say she did She makes
enough fuss to run a train forty miles
an hour. That's the way she has been
doing all her life
A LOVE FOR TRUTH.
"Just throw me half dozen of the
biggest of those trout" said a citizen to
the fish dealer.
"Throw them?" queried the dealer.
Eyes, and then lll go home and tell
my wife that caught 'em. may be
poor fisherman, but Pm no liar"
SOMETHING TO BE DONE.
Restaurant Matron-I want you girls
to fix up a little extra and look as pretty
as you can.
Waiter Girls is the butter bad again?
"No, the meats tough"
DOTS AND DAsHEs.
THE dishonest coal dealer practices
high-weigh robbery.
MAR1NER--Sail, sir3 Nice breeze on
now, sir. Mr.. Isaacs-Notl After
dinner as cost me three-an siXpenth?
Not me.
NOTHING so much destroys our peace
of mind as to hear our nelghbOr eX-
press an intention to give us piece of
his.
A KNIGHT of Labor says that lawyers
are denied membership in that organi-
zatios because they produce nothing.
Just let him hire lawyer and ask him
I! to produce his bill, and he VIII change
his mind.
EVERYBODY now knows what the
poet meant when he sang lis mid
night on the stormy deep, and still my
lonely watch keep 1t was a Water
bury, and he was sitting up ali night to
wind it, 50 that he might know when to
get up in the morning.
A PHILADELPHIA society family is very
angry because one Of the Young ladies
of the family has married Il baseball
player. Strange that the family should
not like it, us some of the greatest
catches of the season are to be found
among the baseball clubs.
PRoFEssoR-"Why in making gun,
POWDER is saltpetre used as a compo-
nent partl" 1om Anjerry--"To make
it smell bad, l reckon, SO the soldiers
can say they smeIt gunpowder. Pa is
always Dragging about the gunpowder
he smelt during the war. '-IcraS iSitt-
iagS.
THE deacon's wife wanted to jot down
the text. and, leaning over to her scape-
grace nephew, she whispered: Have
you card about youF ''You can't
play in church!'' was the solemn reprov-
ing answer; and the g, od woman was
so illustrated that she forgot all about
the text.
WHEN NJ. Narischkine came to Paris
he often lunched at Bignon's. One
morning, glancing at his bill, his eye
lighted upon one item: 1.-TWO peaches,
15f." He summoned the landlord.
''Are peaches so rare2" he blandly
asked. "No, Monsieur" was Bign MS
equally bland reply, "but Narischkines
are."
"SAY, Loamacre, how much did the
70 hat
thew run dVef pay Sxtv 0' % dollars" GS%
Sixty dollars! Why, that miserable
road that runs past my place. killed a
better COW for me and only paid me
$40" ooh, well, but your cow was
killed on narrow gauge road, you
know"
A TOURIST standing on the shore OF
the Worther Lake, called out in a loud |
voice, "Halloo, there, which of you
fellows can swimY" All the boatmen
crowded round him, eXcIaiming, 81 can,
sir. | canr' Only one stood apart from |
the rest. To him the tourist said, "Gou |
there, can't you swim?" ''No, sir"
Very good, then ferry me across"
A sHAD, which had been Hooked by
Fisherman, claimed that an Unfair
Advantage had been taken OF him, In
asmuch as he had Never seen Hook
before. "That may be True" replied
the Fisher, but if sat here to i each
you Wisdom l should dine on Bean
Soup in Place of Shad" Moral: Don't
Expect Gambler to Post you en- his
Game.
ROBINSON is short-si ghted and wears
spectacles. Going along the Strand he
trod on the foot OF very pretty young
lady. "Awkward fellow" said she,
"don't you see9 And you wear spec
taclcs, too" Robinson smiled sweetly
as he contemplated the injured member.
81 beg your pardon, madam" said he,
''but | should need microscope to see
your foot"