davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

1t was on board of one of the Cunard
steamers that the passengers, to relieve the
tedium of the voyage, got up a mock breach
OF promise trial DR. Lorimer, of Chicago,
was the judge and gentleman by the name
Of Fay was the attorney for the defense In
the cross examination Mr.. Fay elected the
facts that the fair plaintiff was 30 years Of
age and her mother Sc.
Turning to the gentleman who imperson-
ated the plaintiffs father the attorney asked
sharply.
What is your ageT
"Twenty-six,n was the prompt reply.
"Twenty-six!' exclaimed the attorney, in
astonishment
Perceiving that he had made mistake, the
father fastened at once to explain.
Yes. Seems odd at first, doesn't it. But
then Ella, you know, is my daughter by my
first wife,
But somehow the explanation did not seem
to explain The Rambler.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
A PIgsici1n Is Called.

The servants rush in They flee away in
terror A physician is called. He finds that
the celluloid head of Edmund's cane has
spontaneously combustsd while in his mouth
and carried with it Edmund's entire intel
lectual dome. The physician looks all over
the room, and even peers under the sofa for
portions of the young mans think retort but
h, is not successful At last he is forced to
tell VaSclnia that Edmund cannot recover.
Two years have now passed, and Easelinia's
mother hus removed from the carpet, with
the aid Of gasoline, every vestige Of Ed
mund's inmost thoughts, but Vaselinia is still
unwed.
We should learn from this that we cannot
make a more judiciOuS present TO galvan-
lied young Englishman than celluloid top
cane, for he may try to cut his teeth on it, in
which case he might make spatter work
dado on the wall with what he has tried to
palm off on the public for brains.-Bin Nye
in Boston Globe.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
A Nounc ElnanCier.

He was q wise youth. although not very
sold- One day his father brought him home a
little bank TO keep his savings i'll
"Now, Willie. he said. "we'il start a bank "
Il choose to ho the cashier, " interrupted the
boy.
Very well, YOU can he the cashier. and I
will be the board If directors. Then you and
your two sisters and youG mother and will
all he depoSitorS. Now, I'll put these five new
nickels in TO start with What will YOU dor
I'm put in my seven pennies and two-cent
piece, he responded
His mother dropped in a couple of dimes,
and each of his sisters a nickel During the
next two weeks numerous deposits were made
and all ran smoothly. Then one morning
pater familias found himself short of change
and distracted a dime from the bank for car
fare. But the eagle eye of the Young cashier
detected the shortage and he promptly took
what was left
The next morning the young financier's
father, wishing TO instill little more business
knowledge into his head said:
Now, Willie, suppose one of the depositors
wished 10 draw out some money, what would
you dol"
The boy simply pointed to the bank, on
which was the following piacard:
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

\ little city child at Elkland, who had
had never seen COW before, was watching
the milking process, with eyes full of aston
ishment After looking on in silence for
some time she drew near and placing her
hand on the cows distended side, ex-
claimed, "Why! she's chock full of it, amt
shef-American Rural Home
WHAT THE BOY IN THE BACK SEAT KNEW.
The teacher Of the Sunday school class was
telling the little boys about temptation and
showing how it sometimes came in the most
attractive guise. She used as an illustration
the paw of cat.
Now" said she, "you have all seen the
paw of a cat. 1t is as soft as velvet isn't it,"
"Yesem," from the class.
~And you have seen the paw of dogi'
"YeSemn
"Well, although the cats paw seems like
velvet, there is, nevertheless, concealed in it
something that hurts. What is iti1
No answer.
The dog bites, " said the teacher, "when he
Is in anger What does the cat dor
Scratches replied boy.
Correct" said the teacher nOdding her
head approvingly. Now, what has a cat
got that dog hasn't"
"Whiskers." exclaimed boy on the back
seat, and the litter that run around the class
brought the lesson TO an end-Boston Cou-
rier.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24


sDid you hear that Tompkins had failedP'
HAS hei | know he has been in bad cd n
for some time"
Its all right now, for he hasn't got cent.
BACK To BUSINESS
+ Dry Goods Clerk ito young woman Gus
tomerl-Ah, believe had the pleasure Of
meeting you at IA garden party at the Grand
Union, Saratoga, last summer.
Young Woman-Will these goods wash,
sirl
Clerk-Yes, madam.
PILTNG 1T on.
Dumley-RObinson, | want your advice.
Brown, hear, has referred to me as an in
spired idiot What had | better dor
Robinson houghtfullyl-Well, Dumley, 1
think you ought TO make him take back that
word INSPIRED"
PURSUE THE SAME COURSE
"If lady is beautiful, my SON. said lat
ter-day Lord Chesterfield, never fail to refer
TO her beauty"
What am to do when the lady is plainf'
Just the same: stick TO the beauty"
II HE'D BEEN BOBTAILED DOG.
A three-pint dog in a five-quart muzzle of
heavy wire was labOriously trudging along
yesterday morning, just after the rain, when
be came TO a small excavation This he mis-
took for all ordinary Fourth ward puddle, and
walked into it. The heavy muzzle carried
his nose TO the bottom, and only his tail re-
manned visible. The spectacle of a dogs tail
furiously lashing the water attracted the
attention of neighboring apple woman.
After satisfying herself that it was not the
SEA serpent, she caught hold of it and set the
dog ON dry land, with the observation: If
yez had been bobtailei dog, where would
yez he now"
FRESH FROM THE DAIRY.
Grocer don't have to crack up that but
ter, Uncle Rastus; it sells itself
Uncle RaStuS testing itl-Ees, sab; dat
butter oughter sell tsef, tie up itsef, oliver
itsef eat itSef, au' still have strength nuff ef'
ter digeS' itsef. Wot yo' cha'gin' fo' axle
grease dis mawnin', Mister Scales.-New
York Sun.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

A DANGEROUS SURGICAL OPERATION
A fatal mistake. At the time DIR. Vance
of Cleveland, performed the operation OF
the lady for the removal of cancer of the
stomach, he found, when too late, that the
poor woman had no cancer to be removed
The disease was Indigestion, and if she had
taken the Shaker Extract of Roots (Siegefs
Syruy), that awful distress at the pit of the
stomach, which made the doctors think she
had cancer, would have been removed.
Distress after eating. dull, heavy feeling in
the head, with pains in the side and back
all vanish after using this wonderful REM
edy. The tired, languid feeling gives place
to strength and vigOr.
Mrs. Della Marsh writes from Pea Ridge,
Benton Co., Ark, that she had dyspepsia
in the worst form for five years. and that
nothing gave any relief until she used the
Sipgel Syrup
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

"Come, let's cross the street" said man to
a friend with whom he was walking. Il
don't want TO meet that fellow Spigget
owe him"
why are you so much afraid to-day4 You
met him yesterday and shook hands with
him"
"Yes: but it was different then"
"Why so!'
Because had on old clothes yesterday,
but have Oh a new suit to-day. My dear
fellow" affectionately taking his friends
arm, nothing can rival a new suit in the
matter of inviting duns. If you owe a man,
he thinks it is your duty to wear sackcloth
and ashes until you pay him. "-Arkansaw
Traveller
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

Black Alb, who had been hired to sweep
and clean the spittoons at a bank, WAS met by
Slim Sandy who asked:
How yer gittin' erlong!T
"Doan' talk ter me rSe gettin' to be er
bon holder
"Yer doan' tell me-
"Dat's whut does"
"How yer make dat big raiser
"Workin in der bank
"How yer git dat 'DtionE7
"Fluence, sab; 'fuence'
"Whut do da gin yer!7
Three dollars er week
IVY, how is yer gittin' rich at dat! Wy
dat amt ez much ez | gifts fur workin' at a
hbery stable"
$50 on erway. Doan' wanter talk ter yer.
No wonder de Niger is hill down when he
doan' kere fur nuthin' 'cept common work,
an den when er pusSon do git er big persiticn
de nigger doan' spect him Git outen my
sight Use use ter 'sociatin' wild er cashier
an not wld er fool dat rubs down er hoss."-
ArkanSaw Traveller.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
The uumorIst At Home.

Some of the American humorists are
men of great feeling and sentiment. A
friend of mine met Eugene Field on the
cars, and they got talking about various
things.
Yes" said Field, "a newspaper man
always appreciates his home. I've got a
wife and some children, and 60 home to
them after a hard days work, feeling all
the need of a rest, and l sit down in a
comfortable little dining room with
them all around me, and feel good. l
launch out and tell my wife how nice it
is TO have quiet home, how solemn and
sweet are the household ties, and how
restful it is to be among ones innocent
children. Then my eldest boy looks up
and sxys ''ssts- San Francisco Chron-
lcle. -
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
The "DeviTs Lear of Java.

At Timor, near the island of Java, there IS
plant called the devils leaf, whose petals,
being of thorny nature, possess a fatal sting
when penetrating the flesh. once met a
gentleman in Honolulu who had been stung
by this plant who barely escaped death. and
who had a great raw sore-like that some
times made by the stingray of southern
Pacific waters-on his left arm. He alluded
to it facetiously as his strawberry mark, and
said he thought he should pose as the long
lost brother-a term often thrown at us with
other "chesnuts" from the minstrel stage
Ben c. Truman in New York Times
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

The terms Never despair" and while
there's life there's hope" are the notices of
DR.. McMunn. Treats his patients TO cure
for schools or ''pathys" whatever will &C
complish that result. A man of 25 years
successful experience. Consultations in
person or by mail free TO all. Permanently
located at Springfield, o. Institute, labor
atory and dispensary at Ill South Market
street. Hours s a. m. to p. IN.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

SOh, Mr. Smith" said a young lady at a
church fair, Il want your help for mo-
ment" Certainly" replied Mr.. Smith, what
can lido for your Il have just sold tidy
for SIS that cost fifteen cents, AMI
want you to tell me what percentage that
is "A transaction OF that kind, my dear
Miss B." said Mr. Smith, who is a lawyer.
Hgets out Of pe.rer:age and into larceny. -
The Wasp
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

A countryman has ordered picture of his
deceased mother, and comes TO look at it.
ArtiSt-Poor fellow patting him on the
back. Is it a good likeness, then, that it
affects YOU 50 much!
Countryman-No sir Poor mother! 10
think she has been dead only six months, and
looks like that,-Harper's Weekly.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

Not by any secret remedy, but by proper,
healthful exercise and the judicious use of
Scott's Emulsion of Cod Liver Oil and Hy-
pophosphites, containing the healing and
strengthening virtues of these two valua-
bic specifics in their fullest form. Pre-
scribed universally by physicians. Take
OO other
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
It is said that the word dyspepsia" is never
heard in the Gladstone family.
Prolific Writer for Juveniles.

One book a year is all | care to write
low. My life work is nearly at an end.
was just figuring this morning to see
low many volumes had published, and
find the total number to be l13. My
irst book appeared in 1S53.-Cliver Optic.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
)UT AT COST.
Siftings.

Tramp-Look here, these yere potatoes amt
peeled. Cool Woman-Well, goodness, can't
you do that muchi Tramp with injured air
i didn't ak fur any work. When get that
low, | will run fur alderman
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
Typhoid, Scarlet and yellow Fevers, Meas
les, Diphtheria, smallpox, Cholera, Etc.

Darby's Prophylactic Fluid will destroy
the infection of all fevers and all contagious
and infectious diseases. viii keep the at
mOsphere of any sick room pure and whole
some, absorbing and destroying unhealthy
etfiuvia and cOntagion resulting therefrom.
VIII neutralize any bad smell whatever, not
by Disgusting il, but by destroying it.
Use Darby's ProphyIactic Fluid in every
sick room.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup, for chill
dren teething, is the prescription of one of
the best female nurses and physicians in
the United States, and has been used for
years with never-failing success by millions
of mothers for their children. During the
process of teething its valueis incalculable.
1t relieves the child from pain, cures dysen-
tery and diarrh9s- gripping in the bowels
and wind collie. By giving health to the
~hild IL rests the mother. Price 25c q bottle,
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

There is no one article in the line of med
icines that gives so large return for the
money as good porous strengthening plas-
ter, such as Carter's Smart Weed and Bella
Onna Backache Plasters. AIR
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

REV. +. J. WHITNEY of ClarksOn. y
Y, says GilmOre's Aromatic Wine for Fe-
male Weakness, stands without a rival.
For sale by Theo. Troupe, druggist.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

There is great deal of human nature
in dogs. The dog on the French man-Of-
war was so savage he used to bark at the
boys, as they went ashore, with his head
out of port hole. They would go as near
as they could. punch him, spatter him
with water from the oars, taunt him to
fury. One day he seized an oar with his
teeth and was pitched overheard. The
dog was not good swimmer, the tide
was running fast. He looked so sorry,
as ne turned his head towards them, that
my father said: Let's go back and pick
him up"
Wasn't that dog glad! He wagged his
tail, showed his gratitude, and was hum
BILE in his mien until he reached his own
planks once more. Then he bristled up,
and began showing his teeth worse than
before. Free Press.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
TIED To HIS BUSINESS.

She was the wife of bank cashier, enjoy
ing herself at Niagara. Sitting on the hotel
piazza with a friend, she remarked that her
husband could not come very well because he
wax ''tied TO his business"
"An excellent precaution," said her friend,
with Canada 50 near"
And now they don't speak to each other
Texas Siftings
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

any dear" said mother. annoyed at some
incautious remarks of her little girl. why
can't you keep a secretH
BECAUSE" said Little Mischief, demurely,
two of my front teeth are gone, mamma y
Exchange.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

Our price for Dunlap's stiff hats S4 90;
other dealers charge $500. Save the dollar.
SULLIVAN, The Halter.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

O'Kelly-That choild there. he is twin.
See what foine lad he is TO be sure
Barr-Indeed. Where is the other one!
O'Kelly-What ither wani
Barr-The other twin.
O'Kelly-Shure an thot was the on'y wan
there was, be jabers. Did We think there was
a duzZen!
SELLING OUT AT COST.
Clerk-That piece of goods is worth 81 per
yard.
Lady Shopper-Why, you offered it to me
last week for 81
Gle, k-Yes, know; but we are selling out
at cost now.
Lady Shopper-I will take twenty yards of
it, please.
HE HAD BEEN THERE.
See here" said an Arkansas man to the
minister who was marrying him, I've been
married a good many times, and no other
preacher ever asked me any such fool ques-
tions as that, an don't propose to answer
em."-DetUit Free Press
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
Weakly Females.

Ladies. old oryoung. suffering from any form
of female complaints; many American women
suffer from weakness, irregularities, etc. The
Snyder Female Pad is worn and cures by
absorption. Try one, Price s., by mail on re-
CENT Of price. Address, The snyder Pad Co.,
No West 18th ST, New York.
An Agent wanted for this county, to locate at
SpringhEld
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
LOCAL NOTICES.


In all diseases OF the nasal mucous mcm-
brane the remedy used must be non-rritat-
ing. The medical profession has been slow
to learn this. Nothing satisfactory can be
accomplished with dOuches, snuffS, pow
derS- syringes, astringents, or any SINH
lar applications, because they are all irritat-
ing, do not thoroughly reach the affected
surfaces. and should be abandoned as worse
than failures. A multitude of persons who
had for years borne all the worry and pain
that catarrh can infict testify TO radical and
permanent cures wrought by Ely's Cream
Balm.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

GIVE YOUR CHILDREN, for Coughs
and Colds, Group, Whooping Cough and
HOarsenesS. Gilmore's Magnetic Elixir.
For sale by TheO. Troupe. druggist.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
REMEMBERING INSTRUCTIONS.

Arabella to new maid)-Now, remember,
Bridget, if Mr. Brown calls, say I'm not at
home; but if Mr.. Smith comes, take him
right into the reception room, and say I'll be
down in a moment
Caller-Ah is Miss Arabella De Wolf at
homer"
Bridget tmeditativelyl-Sure, she give me
very particular orders She says if Mr.
Brown calls. say I'm not at home; but if Mr.
Smith comes take him right in, and I'll be
right down. Now, which one are you, sira-
Harper's BaZar
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

Il am afraid, Bobby" said his mother.
that when tell your papa what naughty
boy you've been to-day he will punish you
severely"
Have you got to tell him." asked Bobby
anxiously.
~Oh, yes; | shall tell him Immediately
after dinner"
The look Of concern upon Bobby's face
deepened, until n bright thought struck him
well, ma" he said, give him better
dinner than usual. You might do that much
for me y
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24

A Vermont woman was struck on the head
by large dishpan which had been hung in
s'Ich place over the CLOSET door that it could
not be opened without dislodging .he pan
Fortunately the injury was not serious, bu.
with righteous indignation at the stupidity of
her new Irish help" she asked:
Didn't You know the pan was sure to fall
and likely to hurt some one badly if you
hung it up there
"Indade | did, num- 1t fell on meself
twicet to-day"
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-10-24
SNYDER Pads
90 Doses One Dollar

Malaria, ChiIls and Fever. Dyspepsia, Bill
iousness, Sick or Nervous Headache, all Liver
and Stomach Troubles yield where the Snyder
Liver and Stomach Pads are worn. They
cure by absorption. Thousands can testify to
the benefits derived from their use Price 81.
Sentby mail on receipt Of price. Address.
The Snyder Pad Co, No. West l4th St., New
The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1886-10-15
ADvERrusEs ITSELF.

The editor OF the Benton Leader was
taken to task for noticing Albany's increas.
ing prosperity 80 much,and this Is the point
ca mannerin which he ventllates the matter
A good friend objects TO shls paper be-
cause, he says, Il Is always pulling Albany.
Now we submit that this u not true. When
ever VIC mention bit of the enterprise upon
the part of our Albany friends, Il Is they who
furnish the item. II they weren't enterprls.
ing we couldn't mention their enterprise.
They built school house for their district
school that cost more than $I6,ooO. They
have built public hail that Is credit TO
the city. They have secured the railroad
bridge and car shops by liberal subscriptions
We don't puff Albany. She don't need H.
IL Is Corvallis we are concerned about. Our
two district schools are struggling along
with half the number Of teachers necessary,
and with school houses that ought TO be re-
placed with something more In keeping with
our pretensions. We have a college prom
ised us, with It's accompanying expenditure
OF ten thousand year among us, on con-
bany school house. Yetwe are halting and
palavering about raising the money. Our
houses are oil full,sc that therc n absolutely
no place for a new conner to live yet not a
single new house Is building Our public
business Is done in Court House old, an
tiquatcd, rotten and ineonvenient. The
County Judge has no Office furnished him In
which to conduct the business Of his office.
The Jail would be a disgrace 10 a communi-
~ Of Digger Indians. etc.
The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1886-10-15

The event Of the season II We may ae'
cePt the statements of competent critics Is
the engagement. under the auspices OF the
Mechanics Brass Band, of this city, of the
talented Shakespearean reader and eloquent
lecturer, Mr.. Charles Dudley in selections
from his repertoire of lecture and readings.
Mr.. Dudley comes highly endorsed, and
his readings and lectures are of more than
ordinary merit, ne having gained the rePu-
tation OF being one of the ablest lecturers
now upon the platform, his rendering of
Shakespeare's unpersonations being highly
artistic and establishes him at once in the
favor of his listeners Mr.. John SWEET
wei; known among the oldest of critics
says
Mr.. Charles Dudley Is most eloquent
lecturer fine elocutionist and most accom-
pIished dramatic reader. His lectures and
readings in California have been deservedly
popular and successful.
JoHS SWIFT,
Prin. Girls High and Normal School, ). +.
The engagement embraces a series Of
three evenings commencing October 18th.
Tickets for the season, parquet 81.
Tickets for the season, gallery, 50 cents.
Tickets at Langdon Drug Store. Reserv-
ed seats without extra pay.
The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1886-10-15

ture, an ornament 70 fhs eitf. Ssnoel oil
begin on NoY. lst with cotns 81 ti,st clsss
Instructors, and We understand shore ara s
sufances OF good attendance III tbe MA.
ter of educational facilities AiAapv wilt rset
With any city III tile Nsfthwesg.
Some of cur exchanges aro makiny nroe.
nosticsti0ns about how badly Albanv ,,ets.
pie VIII feel when the hnon snbsidesf' ard
the bottom drops ont III things. Ard thss
calls loT the repeated remnfk niI oar p4ft
THAT Albany il not booming. Those 81 ha 80
cuse ~ oi boolnitR do not know what bo3as
means -
Following ars the officers of the Y w 9 Il
q this city. receutiy elected sliss Clara
Read. President Miss Ollie Kirkpetgiex
Lor ssc'y Miss AiareeriA Brink. r n. sapt
aiIss Glars Blain. Treasurer. The voa,sy
laaisa intend holding regular nsetinae thtx
winter aud to Increase the interest all o,ys
seysrai opsp fnecsisga. They deseets es.
couragsmsnt.
Two conyicts escaped from tho ssqtne ak
salem Wednesday evening" FoIlowirg /. !
description Of them Apauet Heidi. aae
u; height. feet eg ipehes; weight. l40
pounosj hair brown, eyes eray, cosyexi9n
lar, red fp0t on left corner III lelt eve nd.
win helas, sge, 20; heieht,5 feet 81 iaclses:
weighs. lCl pounds; hair brown EYES graz.
complexion fair. afar on left cheek. sroios %
upper lip. right cheek and on neck Under
chin. a reward II $50 isofEefed Tor the car.
tufe 81 each.