News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-10-21
A BATCH OF STRAY JOKES
GATHERED IN FROM ALL QUAR-
TIERS FOR ONE TO SMILE OYER.
Reducing the Expenses-N Single Thought
Heading the Reports-He was too
PunctuaE-She COuIdi't Break the Will
smash Up-Odds and Ends, ETC., Etc.
TIL 9 WILL.

TIE WILL.
'And shall you try to break his will -
the caller wanted to know, after the
widow had told her how the recently
deceased had fixed the property and
rather left her out
Try 2" the widow echoed. as she
smoothed out her dress complacently
81 don't think there will be much try
about it. I didn't have any trouble
breaking his viii when he was alive,
and l don't think it is going to trouble
me this time"
The caller murmured that that was
the way it seemed to her.-R0ckland
Courier Gazette.
A STRIKE.
The striking mania reached colored
preacher in a town in Mississippi the
other day, and he rose before his congre-
cation, and said:
"Chil'cn. Use been tryin' hard to
preach de gospel on So {. week, an Use
got discouraged You has elder got to
raise de salary to So or Use gwine to get
out an skirmish fur hogs an chickens
long wild de rest OBJ you, an take my
chances OBJ gwine to heaven
By unanimous vote of the congre-
cation it was decided to continue the
salary at 81, and let him skirmish. -
Graphic Ners.
TINE TO GO.
A few days ago two ladies, one of
whom carried baby, entered a Boston
carpet store and signifed their desire to
look at some carpets. 1t was warm
day, but the salesman cheerfully showed
roll after roll, until the perspiration lit
orally streamed from every pore of his
body. Finally, one of the ladies asked
the other if she did not think it was
time to go. "Not quite" was the an
swer of her companion, and then, in an
urdertone, she added, "Baby likes to
see him roll them out, and it is not time
to take the train yet. - Carpet TRADE
a7aE keUietC.
THE REPORTS.
A very presuming party, who writes
for the papers, persisted in forcing his
attention on prominent citizen of
Texas town.
"Good morning; how are you feeling
this morning, Colonel" he remarked.
''Sir, l have not the honor of your
acquaintance.
But, Colonel, you must have seen
my name frequently in the newspapers.
4 never read the police reports, and
il did l don't suppose I'd see your
name, as you probably use an alias. -
1ecGs HlJtiaags.
VERY PARTICTTIAR
Stranger-"I see ye advertise board
with home comforts z"
Landlord" es, sir"
Stranger Any skeetcrs bout the
place p
Iandlord-'' Net mosquito within
forty miles,
Stranger -" Well, m sorry. I've
lived IN New Jarsey nigh onto sixty
year, an the hum of skeeter is music
to me. I'm looking fer board, stranger,
but I'm an old man, an can't git along
without home comforts. Good dav."-
Lite.
TOO PUNCTUAL.
Clerk-"I have row been in your en-
plCyment for three weeks, and as
strive to please, hope l have succeeded
in giving satisfaction.
Employer-"You on perform your duties
very we'll, but what most admire about
you is the daily punctuality with which
you get down to the office half an hour
behind time, and the promptness with
which you quit work half an hour too
soon. In fact, you are too punctual, if
anything. ."-Ieeas Sittings.
HUMAN NATURE.
'I suppose" said Dumley, after he
had registered, to the hotel clerk, "that
when a guest has no baggage his per-
sonal appearance has more or less to do
with making him pay in advance"
"Oh, yes" replied the clerk. 'In
this business we soon learn to size a man
up. Will you have your trunk sent to
your room, Mr. Dumley 9'
''No, l haven't any baggage. 1 only
expect to be in town day or so."
-Four dollars, please"
sMAsH-UP.
eli! there!" said an excited passen-
ger at the railway station, ''those are
my trunks you're throwing about so.
You IL smash EN-" GLOW long have
you had 'em r. inquired the baggage
smasher. "They're brand-new trunks,
[ tell YOU" That's just what's the
matter with folks" said the railway be-
ing "They're all the time gettin' new
trunks to be broke in. Old trunks,
what's used to it, don't break"
SHEER NONSENSE.
Mother-Are you going to take Bobby
to the circus this afternoon
Father-No, these circuses are all
nonsense. He will be better off for not
going.
Mother The poor little fellow will
De disappointed. But what makes you
so late to dinner, dear ?
Father-I have been down at the de- |
pot watching them take the elephants
)ff the train.
DO NOT SPEAK.
She was the wife of bank cashier, en-
Ioying herself at Niagara. Sitting on
he hotel piazza with friend, she re-
marked that her husband could not |
come very we'll because he was 'tied to |
ais business"
can excellent precautlon," said her |
IlClu, Win dIuIld 81 uGdl.
And now they don't speak to each
SJtjngs.
WILLING TO REDUCE EXPENSES.
Mr.. Overdrawn (reading shopping
isD: Bonnet, shoes, buttons,
gloves, silk for dress, trimmings, car
etc., etc. Don't you think
you can cut it little, my dear 2
Mrs. Overdrawn' Certainly, love; |
znow how hard it is for you to get |
money now. | can get along without
he shoe-buttons just as well as not.
1 al Bits.
NO BETTER.
Mrs. Bullion Marie, it does seem i'm
1udent of them vulgar folks to balhe
IL the same ocean as me; but l s'pose !
must put up with it.
Marie-Oui, Madame.
Mrs. Bullion-We. Why, | shouldn't |
hink it woul make any difference to
ou. You are no better than they are.
- Chicago hGmbler.
ORIGIN OF PHRASE.
Fogg-I came across the phrase the
ther day, "seeking bubble reputation
ven at the cannon's mouth" DO you
now where it comes from
Peterby Yes, | saw it on soap com
'anys circular wear ago.
TON WANTED VARIETY.
"Hurry up, Tom! There goes the