Morning journal and courier., 1886-12-29
SHORT.

Barber.-sPretty short, sira" Customer "Well, yes, am. Just put it down on the slate, will yous Much obliged to you for speaking of it.n'-Lowell Citizen.
 q see in the paper that three tons of yara are yearly used. In the manufacture of base balls," observed Fangle. fsI suppose that is the reason so many clubs get worsted, :" re- piled Snooper.--Tid-Bits
 Telegraph clerk (reading over telegram)- s' 'To Mrs. Grabbet, Margate-Hear-w1th grief - t-Judith-Will- in-our-favor.' Two words too many, sir /" MT. G. 'sEhs Oh-ehs-um-um! Oh, well, look here!-Cut out with griefp '- London Punch.
 Speculate any while you were abroads" was asked of Baltimorean who reached home few days ago. 'sWelI, I made con- siderable money in Rome" 'sIn what waya' ''Well, every time beggar struck me for quarter got off for nickel, and my profits sometimes ran high as BIO per day."- Wall Street News.
 A Generous Husband-s'Wha are you go- ing to buy your wife for Christmas pres ents'' 'tI am thinking of getting her piano.n "Can she playa' "Of course not. Do you suppose I'd be such fool as to buy her piano if she could play? am going to get her piano because it makes the parlor look so stylish. ."-Texas Siftings.
 Mrs. Hendricks (the landlady)- -"Can send you some more soup, MT. Dunl0ye Mr. Dumley.-s'No, thanks.'' Mrs. Hen dricks engagingly)-'Don't refuse, Mir. Dumley, because it isn't considered good form to be helped twice to soup" Mr. Dumley.-"Oh, etiquette has nothing to do with it, madame; it's the soup."ASun.
 ''Would you take poor mans last cent for glass of gina" asked the tramp in a re- bartender, briskly, s'that's what Pm here for. T ss4 " ell, ? said the tramp, as he re- turned the glass to the counter and produced his laor cent, ''there you are." and then he walked sorrowfully but hastily away.-Sun.
 Physician (to patient)-"Hav you been out to-d day, madam?" Patient-"Yes, sir, I attended an auction sale of household effects" Physician-'.You probably overdid your self" Patient-'No, didn't do anything. My husband went off this morning without leaving me cent" Physician-'fI see. I would recommend bromide, madam. You are suffering from nervous prostration."- Puck.
 Colored Sarcasm.-Impecunious African "Boss, can't yer gimme dollar for Christ mas gift? I hasn't done lick of work in six mumfs." Wealthy gentleman of leisure -ssMy colored friend, haven't got anything to do myself, and haven't had for great many years" s'Well, den, boss, we am bofe in de same fix. and eff I heahs ob job ob whitewashin' I'll go halvers wid yer, pore white man. ."-Texas Siftings.
 One of the old gripmen who had struck upon the Geary street line, where he had been employed for over six years, said to new man who had taken h1s place: "Ye domed spalpeen, yer taking the bread from the mouths of my wife and children" "You lie, you rascal; I am picki ing up the crumbs you are throwing away to fill the mouths of my wife and children. And if you don't like it go back to your native bogs and starve with the family pig."-San Francisco Argo- naut."
 'tThe Meshes of the Lawl"-Rural Magis- trate-"Prisoner, you are charged with-ah -loitering about in a suspicious manner without any ostensible employment. How do you obtain living? Prisoner-"Your wusship, I'm engaged in the manufacture of smoked glasses for observing eclipses-an industry "-(solemnly) fan :industry.' your wusship, which involves protracted pe riods of enforced leisu-arel'-(D Discharged with caution. )-Punch's Almanac.
 One of our esteemed correspondents, an elderly lady, sends us the following: 'tOne evening I was telling little Fred some stories from the Old Testament. Grandma" said he, thoughtfully, ''I always feel so sorry for poor Cain.'' ''Why sorry for hima" said I. 3'Because, grandma, you know he was the first one that went to hell, and just think how lonely it must have been for him, mo- body but the devil to keep him company; and then only think what long time he has been there now!o