Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1886-02-02
scIENcE VS.. BULL DOG.
"A New Invention for Getting Rid Of Poets
cansassers, and the Like.
Every reader 81 the comic ,leIysnan,

must from time to time had his attcn-
ton forcibly attracted TO the whitening
contempt and fierce hatred openly en-
tcrtained by the comic editor against the
aspiring poet. whether Of the spring or
love-lorn variety. The poet. i'm fact.
would seem to hold the same relation TO
the comic editor as does the red flag TO
the bull Week after week. in The
comic editors ANSWERS to corresponds
lcnts' may be read such bitter replies as
the following: sWhat ought we to give
for your poem? Well, ten DAYS. we
should Think" or again, lyon should
take a long course of Russian baths to
get that poetry out of your system; if
that doesnt tacceed, try a watery grave. 7
Issue after issue Of the comic newspaper
contains chuckling references on the
untimcly fate which has overtaken some
poet visiting . comic newspaper office,
or teens with dark hints as TO trap
doors through which poets are hurled
down into mysterious depths, blood
thirsty insinuations as to bulldogs who
keep watch over the editorial sanctum,
or portentous allusions as to graves
which may ere long stand in need of
being kept green. 1.-The poets lovely
widow" suggestively remarks one
comic editor in this connection. ..strews
flowers over his tomb; the willy editor
still keeps that bulldog in his room
Now, it IS doubtless trying to be al
most daily brought in contact with hag-
gard and lank young men-for rs such
is the poet always pictured by the comic
editOr--who are addicted to such habits
as making scarcely rhyme with
''parsley;" or who. with monotonv
that is undeniably ire-provoking, rave
year after year of 'sangel forms, : item
der daffodils, and .'the flowers that
bloom in the spring. Still the sanguin-
ary methods confessedly adopted by the
comic editor can not but be deprecated
by all truly Christian and peace-loying
persons; and it would seem that some
means by which he might rid himself of
his prosecutors could surely be devised
without resort being had to MAYHEM,
homicide, and kindred crimes. ff8 &.
Such a means has been afforded by
the recent invention OF Prof. Grimkopf,
of Boston. Fora long time past, it ap-
pears, the professor has had the eye Of
science. so to speak. turned upon the
poet and others of his race, and to his
enlightened mind the bulldog and the
trap door have seemed but crude and
brutal methods unworthy Of the civiliza-
ton of the age. One day he came
across the story IN a local newspaper of
a merchant who had succeeded in rid
ding himself of the opportunities of
swarm of female book canvassers by
somewhat novel and ingenious method.
Whenever the merchant in question
heard o female voice behind him ex-
claiming in dulcet strains Won't You
please look at this beautiful illustrated
work in ninety-ninc parts, only % cents
n part?" he would surrrptitiouslv let
loose a number of mice dcftly concealed
in cage beneath his desk The sue
cess of the scheme, it was recorded,
even surpassed expectation. Linking
this idea with the scarecrow of the rural
districts, Prof Grimkopf arrived at the
deduction that if the unwelcome visitor
could be disposed Of by q moral instead
of u physical shock d decided step in
advance would have been attained.
Following ont this train of thought, he
was inspired To an invention which will
prove of the highest value.
This invention consists of an appara-
tlls capable of evolving an apparition
somewhat similar to that which might
be produced by means Of magic lant-
ern and a canvas. Its workings are de-
scribed as follows: A poet enters the
editors sanctum. The latter, conceal
ing his hatred in the consciousness of
his triumph. softly, almost Imctuouslv,
@Poet. ssirs Alb, pleased TO
see yonl Married or single, sirp'' If
the poet mslrinurs that he is single the
comic editor forthwith sets in motion
an attachment on the right-hand side Of
his desk, and Immediately there appears
on the wall facing the poet the life-size
figure of Mr.. John i. sullivan. IN alarm.
ingly pugilistic attitude, with the words
mblaz0ned above his head: .fThe
lighting editor i IN. The terror in
spired by this apparition has been
demonstrated 70 lse fully Is effective in
leading 20 i poets Disappearance as il a
trap-fI6or were actually opened beneath
his feet.
The comic editors end i thus at
tanned without any approach 10 battery
or bl0odshed. III on the vtIIer hand,
the poet replies that he is.married. the
co1aie editor applies hinssslf. to an at
tachmelat 10 tllc LEFT Of bis desk. and in
stantly there il an apparitiola of q fierce
molher-in-law, with 3 wintrF and sar-
castle smile, from whose glsostly mouth
are 10 be seen issuing the words: Il
have come TO pay nice. long visit.
dear This apparition i declared to
be even more effective than the pre-
ceding one. ii one instance II which
the test was applied. it was attended By
striking results. The victim. casting
one hOrrified glance at tile apparition.
rushed precipitateIv toward the stairs.
and, clearing them ak bound. disap-
peaned, and. strange to sav. has never
been heard from since.
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