Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1886-10-08
pring lamb can Jump a thistle. !"


"Shut up, will you:'
"She has raised four children. One
of them is at college. One is taking
music lessons in Boston. The other
two are teaching school. She is at
home alone, going around in tread
mill life which will end in rosewood
coffin and first, class countryfuneral.' :
"Stop that, professor. will you::'
"W hle you are still handsome
man, with just enough gray in your
whiskers to make you look interesting.
No doubt you have been thinking Of
some nice young girl Of eighteen who
would jump at the chance to marry
your thirty cows and twenty acres of
hops "
professor, | won't stay here il you
don't let up on that
"And your wife does not look we'll
in that new Watertown wagon, so you
take your hired man and neighbor's
girls to meeting. Your wife never
goes anywhere, so you do not get her
a watch like your own, nor silk
dress, nor a pony that she could drive.
nor a basket rhaeton that she could
climb into without ladder. 5 e
never says anything, is always very
quiet, so you have not got her a set Of
teeth like your own gold and rubber,
and she has TO gum it until her nose
is pushed up into her fore head, and
her face wrinkles like burned boot
She never goes out, so she does not
dye her hair as you do yours, but it
looks like a milk. weed pod gone to
seed. She has 10 work in the kitchen.
so she gets no nice toothpick shoes
like y"nrs, but goes humping around
like sheep in dry goods box"
"Darn my skin if don't"
NO YOU wont: you will just let her
work right along, and then vou will
marry some high flyer who will pull
every hair out of your head, and serve
you right, too.
Professor, for mercy's sake do stop"
When you know, and | know. that
IL your wife had u chance to rest. and
had nice clothes like other women.
she would be one Of the handsomest
womeu in the town
81 swan | believe it,"
"And old as she is, If YOU were TO
get out the carriage next sunday. and
drive around with the colts. and tell
her yn. wanted her to go to mas,inp
WITT yon, sne wouru actually bLish
with pleasure"
"Darned if ! don't DO it,"
Then Monday, if you were to tell
her that you were going II hire girl,
and that she must sit in the sitting
room by the new nickle- plated coal
stove and work on that new silk you
are going to buy her
professor. that's me-"
And then hand her a nickle wallet
with steel clasps, and with five nice
twenty dollar notes in it, let her do
her own trading after this, because
you have got tired looking after so
much money"
Il will. AS sure rs | live"
And then when the tears start in
her eyes and the same old blush comes
out that you thought was So nice
when you went on the teeter to Al.
bany, If You would jus, kiss her"
Its all right professor.
Then, my friend. | would begin to
think she had made something by
marrying a rich man."
~ ou're right, old man"
Then | think You would no longer
have miserable wife. Then vou
would no longer want to rent or sell
the farm, but would be showing the
mother of your children how much
you respected her for her life Of devo-
tion. Then she would know that she
was a partner in that thirty thousand
dollars. Then, if YOU made your will
all right, and she has good rest,
think she would sometime be an eli
glble widow
" Think s.. professor.
Il know it. Woman is a plant that
wants sunshine You have been leav
ing your wife in the shade to, much
She has lost her color She has given
up all hope of admiration and love.
aud Is on waiting to die and get out
OF the way. Suppose you were treated
so?"
"What me? | am all right"
Yes, | know. Women pity you for
you are tied to such a sorrowiul-l look.
ing wife. Foolish old maids and s,lly
girls whisper behind your back what
a nice looking man you are. and what
a stick OF wife you have. and Won
are ust soft enough to wear tight
bootS, and oil what little hair you
have left on the top Of your head and
go around figuring up how long before
your wife will die"
"See now, see here, professor, there
IS limit to endurance. an going"
81 am coming down to see You next
week; will it be all right"
Yes, if you drop this kind Of talk
and won't tell of my complaints about
my wife, ! will try your m dicine.
Would you stick to that part of the
proposition about the pocket book aud
twenty dollar notes. ~
How much did you say you two
had made together:'
81 cave. The dress will be all right.
and the pony aud phaton will be han.
dy for the gals. Come down and see
us, old man, but not word about
this plain talk. If you wasn't an old
man Id and tipping his Derby
back on his head and shaking the
wrinkles out of his tight trousers, he
put his hands into his pockets and
sauntered away.
There" said |, sis one mn who
has taken the only legal AMI God given
way of getting rid OF miserable wife"
A CT. boat is always dangerous when
it squalls.