The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-05-13
WIT AND HUNIOR.

that an honest Alderman is the scarcest
work of God.
Burlesque Actress-Have you any
black silk tights? Clerk-No, madame,
but we have other colors. BurlesQue
Actress must have black My hus-
band died recently, and l am wearing
mourning.-RGmbler.
1t was little Medford girl who, sent
to bed earlier than she wanted to be the
other night, was entirely heart-broken.
''When you do this to me-" she said, 81
wish I'd never been NADER This is
pessimism beginning early, to be sure.
Boston Record.
''Mush-and-milk parties" are very
popular in religious circles in st. Louis.
All present fasten bbs around their
necks, and then proceed to eat as much
ties are thought to be awfuliy funny by
the good people of St. Louis.
Since James Parton made plea in
one of the monthly magazines for a
newspaper without advertisements, he
is in daily receipt of forty-seven copies
of the Congressional Record. He is IN
a fair way of getting too much of what
he wants. -No,7isto,on Herald
Aunt Pleasant, reading composition
which has been submitted to her by her
6-year-old niece. said: why, Eva,
brick isn't spelled b-r-i-c-k-e." 30,
.auntie! know that well enough, but
] was In such hurry to get the old
thing done that couldn't stop to leave
that of. f.'-Harper's BazGr.
Missionary-Yes. my dear sir, the hu-
man frame is wonderful piece of me-
chanism. just see the power In the
limbs, and then the capabilities of the
brain. The brain, after all, is the best
part of the man. Reformed cannibal-
] never used to think much of it'd
Bits.
Matilda SNOWFALL, who is employed
in the family of Col. Yerger, complained
about her friend Sam Johnsing HE
borrowed a dollar from ME las week
and can't get hit back" ''Why don't
you marry him, MatildaP And then
you can get it out of his pants at night
WHOM he's asleep" ."-Tenas SJtings.
A young man in restaurant lately
overheard the following conversation
between two rather rough-looking but
evidently quick-witted young men who
came in to get lunch: Hello. Dick"
said the first one, whats your throat
tied up forP'' ''Quinsy." Quincy,
Mass.Pf mo, Quincy, nl-"-Harper's
-BGzdr.
A husband who had incurred the
anger of his wife, a terrible virago,
seeks refuge under the bed. Come
out of that, you brigand, you rascal,
you assassinr' screamed his gentle COM
panion. mo, madame" he replied,
calmly; II won't come out. am going
to show you that am going to do as l
please in my own houser'-FrOm the
French.
DR.. Pighead-Madame! am sorry to
say that don't think you will live two
hours. Mrs. Magendie-O, doctor, it is
very hard. DIR. Pighead- to leave
such husband as yours. Mrs. Magen-
die-And only to think; there's my Sis
ter-in-law who knows that mourning is
80 becoming to her. I'm sure she's been
longing for some of the family to drop
off Rambler.
M. Pasteur received the other day a
visit from countryman who showed
him his hand, which he said had been
bitten by mad beast. The doctor ex-
amined the wound. "Why," said he, Il
do not find any marks of dogs teeth
herer' 80, it was not dog which bit
me. 1t was my wife, who got into a
rage, and they told me that this was
much more dangerous than the bite OF
a dog. ."-Paris Figaro.
a suppose" remarked the foreman
of an ''illustrated'' paper, ''that we can
destroy this portrait. of Gen. Hancock,
now he is dead?" ''Let's see," said the
editor. show many times has it been
used?" ''Only when he was nominated
for the presidency" ''Well, don't de-
stroy it. There'll be another change in
the English cabinet in a few months.
and we can work it in as the new
premier. -PittS6arg Chronicle.
Chicago hostess Ito young lady visit
ing from Boston) Now, Penelope, |
suppose the first thing you will want to
see is our magnificent art galleryp Pen
elope-Well, really, Aunt Julia, | sup
pose it is very fine, but do you know il
occurred to me that would like to visit
one of YOUR establishments where so
many poor little innocent pigs are
slaughtered every day.-M 7. Sun.
SMITH thought you told me that
Brown had got along in the world SC
well that he had carriage and pair!
Jones-Well, told you the truth. S.
You did, ehp Why, he is working as a
laborer in the navy-yard. J.-Well,
that is all right. A man that gets into
the navy-yard is getting along in the
world, and the carriage and pair re-
ferred to we're baby-carriage and
twins.-B0stos Courier.
Auctioneer-Now, gentlemen, what
shall l say for this magnificent and
authentic Paul Veryoneasyp Come
start it at something. Old gentleman
Don't see the painters name to it any
where, mister. Auctioneer-Of course
not. A picture like that doesn't want
signing; it stands ON its merits. Nc
bidP Pass it in, John, and bring out
the next. Now, gentlemen, here is 8
superb Landseer by the same hand
Tableau.) )-Metbourn Punch.
Senator Spooner Of Wisconsin tells q
good story of his 4-year-old boy. HI
had started out on shopping tour witt
his father and mother, and had ap
pealed first to one and then to the Other
for some money. His father asked hin
what he wanted of money, and pressed
for an answer until the youngster said
well, papa, what would you do if {
robber stepped up to you and said
Your money or your 1ife,' and yo,
hadn't any moneyp"-W Washington Let
ter.
There was one angry woman in Ma
con v ;terday. Before she finished
breakfast sewing-machine agent callet
on her. Thirty minutes later a female
book agent called and talked TIVE
hours. In the afternoon a rat-trai
agent called. and just at nightfall al
advertising agent threw into the from
door cake of soap wrapped in :
bundle of colored circulars. That WON
ans husband became very unhapp,
when he reached home at night
Macon (Ga) Telegraph.
One of the managers of Home TO
Destitute. Colored Children tells a funn,
story about the way Washington
Birthday was celebrated at that institu
ton She went out there in the after
noon to see how things were going on
and found youngster as black as tn
inside of coal mine tied to a bedpos
with hic hanHs hahinH him SsWh n