Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-09-26
VANILLA JONES.

ROmeynI0E ADOut HI EoAA NoA1oA1s
PADUCAH, KY.
Dear Reqister.-The last freight train
that arrived in this city brought me and
my suit. On account of an accident on the
road somewhere 1 was rendered the use of
the outside portion of an elegant stock
car, which had been used previously in
transporting some fine patrician hogs OF
the Poland China brand. Ihad my choice
of a dozen cars or so, but this was the only
one that had been used by the aristocratic
hog element so l selected it. l was glad
to have this opportunity, for l read with
horror the day previousin that great health
organ the NeV York Tribune, that so much
of our ill health was caused by riding in
closely ventilated cars. 1t is so invigora-
ting to sit out in the cool air and gaze at
the twinkling stars millions of miles away
in the blue armament above, and let our
legs hang down between the bumpers.
We are here all right though, with our
sovereignty still under our hat. It's fun
ny how that thing will stay under fellows
hat so well.
-
Say REGISTER, have you any dudes in
Wheeling who carry a chestnut gong along
with them? l want to wreak vengeance Oh
some one, and if any OF the dudes up your
way have them l will come up m wreaE
my spare vengeance on them. The other
evening while making a few remarks to a
large and appreciatiye audience l thought
to ~foreStall them when | was about TO de.
liver in my usual pathetic manner a bald
headed story, by telling them that
wanted all the gentlemen and ladies whO
venerated the age of the aforesaid story to
give vent to that highly humorous n or
iginal remark-''chestnut." When l got
through l thought the fire department had
broken loose. | was encOred with the
merry tinkle of the bells, cussed bells, and
chestnut! chestnut" | judged the whole
crop to have been about a carload. NeX'
evening | repeated the story, and not a one
land they were there murmured chestnut
Why? I found that not one who uses
that elegant phrase had enough intellect
to remember a thing for 81 hours. Some
sit with their little gong and listen for Q
tip then off they all go. They cannot
actually tell a chestnut when they hear IT.
If these gOngs were put into the hands Of
editors and newspaper men who are weary
of seeing 4 rheumatic centennial JOKE
wandering at large, it would be all right
but the gong is now i'll dangerous hands
| would venture that if the brains OF al
who carry these little bells were thrown
together it would not make enough o.
phosphate to ~fertiliZe an onion bed. IheS
cannot tell Il hustle from 4 base ball mask,
and they have not wit enough to make {
repartec or c~onjure up Il joke. How Will d;
minister be able to say his text, if some
one yell out Chestnut" or who can sins
''HOmc Sweet Home?:" and how, | ask,
under the heavens how, will Mr.. ). u
Blaine or General Golf ever be able to MAKE
another speech if this chestnut idea con
tinues? It's all right to kill off Jokes thai
everybody has heard, but then they dis
criminate. | arise and in dignity
enquire why in the thunder don't some ont
yell Chestnut, , when n man says, wei
as the Governor of North Carolina said t.
the Governor of South Carolina etc. '-bu
no murmur is heard.
~
Last week we met ExpcridOn, the Bul
gaTian monk, 4 strange person who ha'
wandered on foot throughout the Union 10
twelve years, delivering sermons in every
town he CHANGED to be in. He has lecture(
in Wheeling, in Charleston, and in nearly
all the towns in West Virginia, especially
the river towns. lie is n graduate Of OXFORD
College, Berlin University, and the Theolo
gical College of COnstantinOple. III,
breaches in twelve different languages, ant
can converse intelligently in thirty-twO
After an absence of eight years from Wes'
Virginia he still remembers it well, anC
speaks in the highest terms of the gencrosi
ty of the people of our little State, ant
speaks in the highest words Of praise o
Ex-Governor Jacobs and Mr.. Thompson o
Parkersburg, and of the Wheeling people
lie travels on foot, clad in the black robe
Of his order, and is accompanied by hi!
dog, cooks his own meals, and sleeps in thu
open air. His subjects are: "The COnvcr
sion of the Preachers to Christ" and "Jer
uSalem.N lie denOunCes the ministry fol
their lukewarmness, and vanity, and ad'
viseS humility and daily endeavors tC
build up Christianity rs Christ taught it
saying that in this country Religion il
mercenary, being bought and sold anG
prOpagated by ministers who preach fOl
pay only, who strive to be eloquent rather
than earnest. He claims to have known
DR.. Frank DeHaSs while consul at Jerusa
lem.
~
A young lady said why don't you say
something about the fashions for the fall
We don't know anything about fashion
but that don't hinder one from expressing
his views. we know about as much about
it as Horace Greedy did about farming, 81
we break loose. Feathers will not be
worn much this fall on account of the vetC
of the Audubon Society, except by geese
after Thanksgiving the turkeys will sub
nit to the Audubon Society. The same
saCqucs worn last fall will be worn this
except that they will have the dust ant
the moths picked of. The cOlOrs in hosiery
this fall will be flesh colOrs. For cOloreC
persons it will range from Il light tan to {
dark brown. Bangs will he worn as usua
on lne young man 5 SllTU lfOnI alIcT ~ p
m. Another way of dressing the hair is
to brush up on both sides of the head anG
let il hang down behind, as if you were
suffering from n scarcity of hair pins
Hair will also appear in hash as usual, il
is not expected to be served in the butter,
which will appear this, fall as bald headed
rs possible. The same hat you wore las
fall will be very fashionable this fall, eX'
cept that a new ribbon will he sewed or
and the hat slightly twisted out of shape
so the other girls will not know it was thu
same one. CorSage boquets will come t.
the front, while buStles will be {
little behind this fall. Pant'
especially among men of genius | refeI
to the newspaper world now, will be worr
somewhat thin about the geographical cen
ter and will have fringed edges around tin
lower part of the limbs. If they are no
in fashionable condition at present, it cal
be made so by cutting off the edge ant
pulling out a few threads with the fringes
We never moved in society much, but W,
helDel To carry n freezer full of ice cream