New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1886-06-13
THE ANALYST.
WHERE IGNORANCE Is BLISS"

several columns OF its valuable space to the cues
ton What shall we do with our boysf
perused the correspondence with "A strong personal
interest for N yself am the proprietor OF boy
several boys. in point OF fact; but refer more
particularly to my eldest, aged nineteen, a. 10
whom felt that il was time something was settled
have a great belief partly derived from the
before mentioned correspondence, and partly from
my own observati0n-in studying boys na,urai
Lent and finding him an occupation in accordance
with it, Snch being the case. began to study
Augustus with view TO finding out his SPECIAL
aptitude bat. unless n really rrmarkable lacu,Iy
Of OntgrOwing is trousers may ne so reearueu
conld not for some time discover mat he had any.
Bv dint. however. oil careful observation ana
crOssexamination Of the household. ellcIted ihi'
he was addicted to making extremely offensive
smells in the back kitchen with chemicals. ana
that he bad what is called collection 81 bee les
and other unpleasant insects stuck on pms III = poN
in his bedroom 1t appeared, therefore, Ilht nls
proclivities were scientific and Intimately
decided to make an ANALYST OF him. Accordingly.
after dispOsing of sundry painful mt presumably
necessary arrangements rs 10 premiums Augustus
was daily articlcd to a Public Analyst u.s.
capIta letters because observed that Mr.. SirutIh
himsrlf AWAY, dd So why, cannot ND
Possibly public anal yst without caplta,-Wonh
not command the same amount of publlc conn
dcnce. ON consideration, don suppose ne WOMB.
AuguStn~'s first demand on taling M n's n,w
occupation was microscope. Ana WHO you nc
about II" he suggested. il had better be i e0od
one" At first ! inclined to suspect that TINS
was IN artfn device for the fur!her INDULGENCE OF
his acknowledged vices and that the ihpielhen.
vould he devoted 10 post norton eNamlnitionso t
deceas ed caterpilar- or other kidred anomhatoIs
He assured me. how Yer, that sucl was hpt ~"
case and that the mirr0s Ope nOwada\ " ne
v.rv sheet-anchor Of analytical science, ln'
- sheet anchor completely took the wind on ol
nv sails. Il Zee, that thor" - rather q CONFUSION ="
Metaphor here. hut. not being nautical person
don't feel cOmpetent t. set IL right surrender'n,
humhiv remarking that supposed hVf poun'ii
note would cover IT, Tire yOrthinl analyst Ihutnru
me 10 scorn. The very least NJ assured me- that
a good working microscope could he GOT Tor WOMB
he ten or twelve pounds Ultimately agreed 10
.ftaSa ut pa
myself that at any rate hat done with. TN
the contrary. it was or INST e"gun. No so"nSo
bean 10 insist upon the purchase of nrmher oI
auyiarv appliances, W len. II appeared u"
respectable microscope Wonid he seen without ~
broke them 20 by degrees. At hrst ne Only
mentioned. if ! remember right. an "achr1ha'ic
condenser" at two cuineas. Next came " doube
losrpicce" why dOuble,' ! don't know thrh q
polarizing apparatus and - camera lucida .iour
pounds ten: then micrometer and nlcrotone
three guinpas more then s"mebody.s prism at
one pound five: and somebody cses micro
spoctroscopo. at | don't know Low much. here
how ever put my foot down am compelled 10
regard the sordid consideration Of price though
Science doesn't.
The microscope and its subsidiary apparatus
were duly delivered Int my analyst appeared 10
be in no particular hurry 70 convey them 10 the
laboratory where he was strdving. On my making
4 remark 10 This effect lie replied: Haven TAKEN
them to the laboratory No; and I'm not gong
To. Mr.. >crutin has got a precious sight pctfer
IN cr0scope than mne--cOst sixty guIueas without
the little OK ra art Giles and thcv were about thrY
more. Uc'- got mirrospectros ,ope if yol like,
attained from aruuiug tie point and mildly
renar1c that ~ that case hc might have uSeu VT.
Ccrufin's microscope. and saved me some twenty
ruinfas But he rejected the idea with scorn, and
explained that his microscope was not Tor aDora-
tory use. but for private study .
50 far as nv observation went. my analyst's
private study had hitherto been confined to Short
pi-e and the last number of some penny dreadini'
Lut did not think wise 10 crecf his newborn
ardor ! coniented myself by observing that only
hoped ne would " stick TO IT,"
= nod ffl rfrTl n
4 limnet might have done in answe 70 the same
observations "Why. microscopy is the most
fa.cmating study ont. Just take squlnt az hq''
/ looked down the tube but couint see any
thing at all. and made remark 70 that ct. eilrci.
=. oh that's because You haven't got the focus
tried again and saw sort OF network OF red
hhrr ,.r,
ri bet sxpencc Won can't tell Inc what that IS "
he OK laifued trIumuhantly
owned the soft impeachment
That's the MAY larry eiand OF rat
Yce. Isn't il iovelvl Here's another. Now.
inst look at that "a 1mTcr era gr',nniAr looking
oe.GGGit i 10 o. 1'' 'aid N""" " ''' '''''
That's section Of the epdcrmis of the great
y. Great toe - exclaimed in disgust WHAT on
earth have ANALYSTS got 10 do with great foes
"Oh. nothing particular pc sad arily. IN
we Zoe 10 have as unos variety az posNlh".
-hOuid like to have % scciin OF tterFthint. y !
cnull get IT, Her = another pretty slide; that 10
rhe section OF a diseased potato and this one is
a Vcr~ Instructive. darcsav" rcmarked: bur
hopo Won haven't made me spend twenty pounds
merely 10 improve vour acquaintance With frogs
lrg. and diseased potatoes. Mr.. ccruiin surely
doesn't aullvzo sHch thing. a. these.
cant .ay We 10 mut b in frogs legs. lie said ::
but thrr. are lors OF things ain 'terafed with
notatn. Flour and arrowrUpt. and butter. and
cncoa and-an "A heap OF things. And the
potaios inst a. likely 20 be- diseased - not u maj
be anyhow and there von are II Won don't know
4 plra.ant lookout" repliei. If hali dozen
Of the cotrmonest articles OF food are nabitually
adultcrated."
. Riess Won that's nothing" he replied az that
WI. ALL tirre wouldn't hc much harm done. There
arr Jolly SIGHT wor,, adn teratlonS than that In
fact pretty nearly cvrrythiny5 adulieratel, an
some Of 'cn with rank 20 -on~'
"Oh. no: il isn't" bee calmly reioined "Oi
course they don't put m enough 10 Kill Won right
oH And IN Won find something disagreclng Win
Won va can't swear what IT. IL. II may be the
nux vonica i'm the beer: but lfs Just as Ike 10 De
ento10a no the water or 90 per 10 the Last hn fe OF
pickles. Voweyer you're all night nor. " IN IN
anuly-t in the fan IFS. ~ any rate you shan Df
poisoned without knowing IL. III LET yon know
what Won are eating and drinking. lhIs FELLOW
ard he pati. the uicr scope ahectiOnaiel} VII!
Ana IL did, From shat day forth have never
Or fo~ed q, meal and never cyrect 10 do - AGAIN.
have always been particular to deal NJ respect
able establ sncuts a.d to pay fir price. IN the
none of iuslring a cool article. ! have or had:
II cradle aplittil' anu tiii iiisA N4''l-'
microscope c,mc into the house used to get % good
deal of enjoyment ont OF life. Bni now al is
changed tIv ANALYST began bv undermining nv
faith in orr baker Now. if there was one of orr
tradesmcn in whom. more than another. had con
idence it was the baker. who supplied what
secnel to me good. solid. satisfying article. with
no nonsense about il. But one dav, shortly after
the conversation | have recorded. my ANALYST
remarked 40 breakfast time: " We had turn ar
bread yesterday at the MISUNDERSTANDING i've
SAMPLES and tonnd three Of 'em adu.teratcd. And
do Won know holding mp a piece Of our own bread
and smelling il crltically-"I rather fancy tins OF
ours is rather dlckv.n
"Non.ensew | cried. Its very good bread
CAPITAL bread /"
on NAV think So ." he continued calmly hut
You're not an ANALYST. | shall take sample o.
this TO the laboratory and You shall have my
report upon IT."
FAKE it. ny all means. But if YOU fnd any