News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1886-05-13

CnlnkE
Small boy (after long silence)-No,
sir.
Visitor-Ahl and why?
Small Boy-Because Mr.. Webster is
dead.
GETTING THINGS MIXED.
A country minister who, in addition
to his clerical duties followed the pro-
fesslon of photographer, was called
upon to perform the marriage ceremony.
''Now, then, young man," he said to
the groom, who was nervous and excited,
as all grooms ought to be, 'just keep
your eye on that crack in the wall, and
try and look pleasant. ."-Harper's Bazdr.
GREAT MORAL SUPPORT
81 declare, Ethel" said young lady
from the country to her cousin after they
had run the gauntlet of two or three
Broadway Hotels, chow rudely those
men stare at one. The next time shall
take the opposite side of the way"
''Oh, you will feel differently" re-
piled Miss Ethel, "just as soon as your
new tailor-made suit is done"
HI
Little Brown "a horrid boIe)-Do You
believe in mans sighs, Miss Robin
son?
Miss Robinson-A mans size Yes,
certainly | do. think no man ought
to be less than six feet in height. [Col-
lapse of little Brown. l-Judy.
WHAT IT MEANS.
"Dear sir" he said. ''rd like to ask,
Unless the qucstiOn's rude,
What means those strange and mystic
words
Tnocuous desuetude p"
''Of course the question is not rude"
The other man replies;
"They mean, you see, the business man,
Who does not advertise"
IN THE COUNTRY.
City man, looking for country
house-It seems to me that your rent is
rather high, considering that you are so
far away from the principal hotels and
the main road.
Country landlord-But you won't hear
the brass band-that is worth some
thing-and you won't be disturbed by
picnic processionists - that is worth
Boston Beacon.
TIE MODERN DEFINITION.
"Pa, what do they mean when they
say man is qualified for alderman ~
"Well, my son, that depends. Ordin-
arily it means that his saloon is doing a
BIG business. "-ChicGgo Neaos.
DOTS AND DAsHEs.
A POPCORN man calls those kernels
that do not pop, and that cannot be
popped, "old maids"
THE sayings of many great men
would fill volumes. Their doings could
be written on postal card.
THERE are two things which man
is bound to take on faith-his wife's
private opinion of him and what saus-
ages are made of.
A NASHVILLE youth eighteen years
old captured and married rich malder
forty-six years old. That surely can
be called boycott.
THERE is said to be a sort of sympath!
between extremes. To illustrate, man,
a homely mans head has been turned b.
pretty woman's foot.
THINGS one would rather have lef
unsaid: He-What a pretty fan Sh'
Yes; l had it given to me when frs
came out! He Really! 1t has worl
welll
'Do YOU know how to count, m!
my dear 2" said an old gentleman to {
little girl. "Oh, yes, sir. I'll show yol
one, two, three-you have three
teeth"
IT has come to be that when New
York functionary is late at dinner his
wife SAYS to one of the children: ''Run
down town and find out the number ol
your fathers CELL"
LET a detective-looking stranger fol
low a New York alderman for more than
two squares and the alderman will turn
and say: "See here, I pledge you my
word l had nothing to do with that
bribery business"
A SMALL boy in Maine listened de.
murely to the story of Sampson tying
the firebrands TO the tails of foxes and
then sending them through the Philis-
tines corn, and at the conclusion of the
narrative asked innocently, 'Auntie,
did it pop 2"
THE Mobile Register uujustly com
plains that it is because Senator Jone
is not paired that the Edmunds resolu
tions passed the Senate. Oh, well
Jones isn't responsible for that H,
wants to be paired badly enough, good
ness knows.
IT is hard to believe that that "cow
boy pianist" is a cowboy after all, say
a Western exchange. Two or thre
New York editors have called him liza
and got away. If he is a cowboy h
isn't working at his trade now or ther
would be smell of powder in the air
AN Irishman from the country wa
standing on one of our wharfs the othe
day gazing very thoughtfully at larg
anchor lying close by. "A policeman
came along and told him to move on
'Divil bit will l move on till see tn
man that uses that pick" pointing t
the. anchor.
THE story is told of Chicago states
man that, returning once from the Eas
via the Michigan Central Railroad, h
| SOb Oll AT Il ullo 1SN w ASNh ~ ANAtNSs"
ra. After examining it critically for
moment, he turned to a Dystander an,
remarked: "ITuge, amt it Ispose
runs all night, too"
BERsEKER Gust from the city)-Goin
to make maple sugar, eh2 Well, b
Jolly, I'm just in time. Er-may l G
into the woods and see how it is done
Aunt-Yes, l guess so. Berseker-
When do you begin at it p? Aunt
Just as soon as your uncle gets HON
from the village with the glucose.
81 WOULD like to start IN some busi
ness, with small means" says a yOun
man asking advice of this department
Then, son, do you start a daily paper
Your means will be too powerful smal
to heft after the fourth pay day, and s.
you might just as we'll have them a
small as they can be strained to begn
with.