The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-07-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

day. Not unless you use your legs!'
was the quick reply.
Cora (chewing on the last carameD-
"What makes you always twirl your
cane, Mr. Merritt" Little Johnny
(who is always around) d)-''Because he
ain't got any mustache. Judge.
h ..Pa," inquired little boy, 'if you
can say that people run for Office why
can't you say that people walk for
office? Because they are in too big
hurry to walk" explained the intelli-
gent father.
l. Boston newspapers are quarrellng
over the question of whether it was o
hen or q goose which laid the golden
egg. It's arobbin' which has laid the
golden egg for some of the richest men
in this country, if Wall street tales are
net all myths. Chicago Tribune.
Don't you want cyclone cellar?''
asked tramp of the old farmer of whom
Ihe was trying to procure work. "A
cyclone cellarr' bawled the farmer.
l..W by, you old beast, are you trying to
sell cyclones around here? Here, Beef!
catch 'imr' But the misunderstood
man had vanished. Chicago Tribune
ssGoing to the circus to-night?''
l..Don't know; haven't heard my wife
say whether she wants to 60" You
don't mean you'll take your wife?' 20.
mo: if she don't want to goTll come
round and 60 with you, but if she wants
Ito go we'll both stay at home, you
know. .'-Springfeld Homestead
While a London chemist was testing
Ia bottle of milk it exploded with loud.
report, scattering the fragments of glass
ali over the room, Prof Huxley's theory
lis that the COW had been eating dyna-
mite, but we think that his hypothesis
is wrong. A more plausible explains
ton istnat some fiend has been throw
ing nitro-glycerine into the well.-Nor-
TiStoi0n Herald.
Cincinnati Festival echoes: "When
can / get the scoreP" asked musical
Young man last evening. ..The Cincin-
lnatis didn't play to-day" answered an
iurchin who overheard the question:
whitney is a singer from Singville,
MARBLE County, and has voice that he
has TO go down cellar. for when he
wants it do some extra heavy work. =
Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.
The American Association for the Ad-
vancement of Science is doing good,
brave work. In its report last week it
announces the discovery that ''the ho-
mologies of the synomosal bone indi-
cate the posterior half of the zygomatic
arch. 'E The papers which have insisted
chat it was developed by the macrn
dactylic oboe OF the periphrastic jave1
must feel.cheap enough Washington
Posi-.
Angelina Mamma, dear, do you
understand anything about the Ian
puage of fiowers?' Mamma -''No, love.
Nhyp" Angelina-"Why, Mr.. Snoop-
kins has Just sent me lovely bunch of
3 5acqucminots three dozen, at least;
aud l. wanted to see what the signifi-
cance of it is" Unfeeling brother
81 can tell you. sis; it means that
Enoopkins is around to-day trying to
borrow. from the other fellows. ."-Chi-
cdgo Rambler.
The scolporteur had crossed over the
1iiie into Kentucky without knowing it,
and as he entered the tavern with a
handful of tracts, he said: Gentlemen,
may ask you to -" and every gen.
tlelnan then and there present arose
from his chair, took his quid from his
mouth and cast it behind the stove,
and, saHntering briskly toward the car
penter shop, said: Thanks. don't care
IF do" And then, seeing he was in
Kentucky, the colporteur ''jined the
gentlemen. Brooklyn Eagle.
A young man had been arrested for
kissing a pretty girl. and she was on
the witness-stand. ..You say" said the
attorney for the defendant, ''that the
young man kissed you against your
will?H Yes, he did; and he did it a
dozen times, too. "Well. now, is it
not true Ihat you also kissed him during
the affrayP" Objected to: objection over
ruled snow answer my question, "
continued the attorney "Did you not
kiss the defendant, also?" '.Yes, 1
did, replied the witness, indignantly,
l''but it was in self-defense." Case. dis
missed. Washington Critic.
The members of class that had been
studying the rudiments of physiology
were asked to give their impressions on
paper of what they had learned, and
one of them gravely wrote: "Onr collar
bones are situated under our chins. !"
Chis idea is certainly capable of very
liberal application All of as have
seen boys in positions where their
knees were directly under their chins.
Another bright pupil put pen to paper
to say: '.f we did not have any back
bones We could not sit down." True
enough! Who ever heard of an oyster
sitting down?-Bostou Budget
During the terrible thunderstorm
that came over Washington one day
recently, a little S-year-old boy, living
in the north part of the town was
awakened, and called his mother. who
was sitting in the drawing-room down.
stairs. She sat with him little while,
and told MIN ne need have no fears, be-
cause God took care of little boys, and
would not let the lightning hurt them.
'sBut God is way up in heaven. - replied
the child. '|Yes," replied the mother,
.'but He is here, too; He is staying right
in the room with you. He can protect
you, but can not. As long as God is
here you need not be afraid" The
child was quieted, and the mother left
him and went back TO the drawing
room. Pretty soon there came another
deafening clap of thunder, when the
boy, crawling out of bed, came to the
head of the stairs, and called again.
What do you want, George?" asked his
mother. ''You come up here and stay
with Goo awhile, and let me 60 down
stairs, " was the reply. 3
An Arizona editor recently sent
postal cards to all the prominent citizens
of the place requesting them to give an
answer to the question, Why are you an
honest man? some of the replies which
he published are curious. One answers:
'.It must be because of my burned cussed-
ness; always did like to be different
from other people Another says he
is honest because he has never held anv
public Office. Another Indignantly an
swers. what dye take me fer-an
angelo" Another sarcastically remarks,
II suppose you're going to start mr-
scum and are lookin' fer freaks. Well,
count me out; I'm not one" Another,
professional labor agitator, wrote in
blOod-red ink on postal card, "What
are ye givin' usP' While the editor of
the opposition paper volunteered the
answer that he scorned to lay bare the
palpit:lting mainstay of noble and
honest soul at the request of a dishonest
reptile and political parasite. The