Daily Honolulu press. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1886, 1886-01-01
ALLEGED FUN.

AAA<EsGEA0 I'm
The cigar that is called imported is about as
appropriately named as the hired girl we call
domestic Yonkers Statesman.
GLOW do you know fool when YOU see
onef" asks correspondent. Howl BY the
kind of questions he asks Burlington Free
Press.
1t may seem strange to us, but in all the
wars between Christians and Turks, Provi
dence supplied the guns for the latter. Low
ell Citizen.
Although the motto OF Colorado is ''Nothing
Without Divine Aid" it is very seldom that a
lynching bee is opened with a prayer. Very
few States lives up to their notices in this
wicked age.-[ Puck.
In regard to modern languages, it is said
that the Chinese is the most difficult We
find this out when we try to explain to our
Chinese laundryman that pair Of our socks
is missing. -TTexas Siftings.
poet says ooh, It's not true, It's not
true, that deaths the saddest Of all things
here below" Correct. The "poem" from
which we have quoted is one of the things that
is more sad than DEATH Norristown Herald.
SHAKESPEARE SLIGHTLY ALTERED.
He never spoke word
But, with look of deepest melancholy,
He sat, like Patience on an ottoman,
Waiting for his wife to put her bonnet on.
Lynn Item.
Mr.. Blackfriarl-Uust from London)--
"Yawr Americanisms are most perplexing, yaw
know. What on earth is big bug, and a
drop letter. Yawr ed of us there, yaw
know; we've no drop letters in England"
Life.
Tailor Married or unmarried :" rCus-
toner Married" [Tailorl Ito cutter)--
Zone pocket concealed in lining Of vest"
[Customer]--"Eh What ?" [Tailorl Tex
plaining)-"To hide your change, you know,
At night. I'm married myself. III Chicago
Rambler.
Wife-There the paper says that the Red
wood family, out in the Yosemite Valley, are
often seen with trunks forty feet in diameter.
Now, don't you ever complain of the size Of
my trunks again, Richard. These Redwoods
aren't much of family either. never
heard of them.
THE MAIDEN's HINT
'What kind of fruit do you love the best 2"
lie questioned the maiden fair,
"The juicy apple with rosy cheeks
Or the sweet and luscious pear ?"
The gentle maiden smiled and said:
"The fruit that pleases me
Better than all the fruits know
Is the fruit of the Christmas tree"
[She)-"Oh, George, George, have not
seen You since dinner Where have you
been r [f1el--"All ri, wifey-sho shorty
wen off unexpectedy-hi like gun" [Shel
why didn't you tell me you were going
of, dear !" EHe)-"Couldn't---h ic--didnf
know was loaded. Life.
There was curious old tramp who, upon
being asked if he would have drink of
whisky as he was beginning Job Of saving
wood, or would have it when he finished it,
answered: swell, mum, think I'll take it
now There has been pile of sudden deaths
lately. -[Fall River Advance.
COMMENTS ON THE BABY.
Mother
Amt it pretty little thing,
Its eyes SO bright and clear7
What dimpled cheeks What tiny toes
liz" uo you IKE IL, uear
Father.
My love, think this little babe
All other babes excels;
1t has my nose, it has your mouth,
And mercy, how it yells
Boston Courier.
Wife Ito sick husband) doctor says your
system needs a stimulant, and has prescribed
whisky.
Patient. eagerly That physician has dag
nosed my case correctly; he knsws his bust
ness: When we are to begin1
Wife-Right away. You are to take half a
teaspoonful after each meal.-M y .Snx
young lawyer, who had recently been adj
mitted TO the bar Of San Antonio, came to
Judge Noonan for advice.
II want to ask your advice, Judge, about a
very important matter"
'Well, what is it, Timothy2"
Lawyer Howl has been telling everybody
that am a donkey. Don't you think that /
ought to fight him, or sue him for damages p
You say he called you Donkey"
Eyes
him he will prove it on you. "-[Texas Siftings.
SUCH IS LIFE.
The eyes may sparkle, the lips may smile,
And misery merriment feign.
The tongue may jest, and all the while
The heart feel bitter pain.
And SO it is with the maid tonight
The maiden fair and young
Her eyes are bright and her laughter light,
And the jest is on her tongue.
But oh, the maiden's heart makes moan,
And her brain is in a whirl
For her hlan 10 The Il q iinor-rinl has .rnna