Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1886-07-15
A CERTIFICATE WANTED.
VI Quad" Runs Across Blooming Chump'
on a Railroad Train.
Detroit Free Press.

Detroit Free Press
I Just do like to run across an English
man who is fresh to this country and
determined to combat American Ideas.
He is a good deal better company than
an American would be IN Europe. Such
a chap rode with US from Vicksburg over
to Jackson.
excuse me, ye know" he began as
the conductor came along, but I'd like
a compartment to myself"
There was no place to put him except
in the baggage car, and when this was
ascertained he replied:
ye know? Is this hair limo rail
road?"
'.Never heard that it was" said the con-
ductor.
''Then why didn't they direct me to the
hair line? What's the use, ye know, in
fellow creeping and twisting all over the
country to fetch up at some place which
is on a hair liner"
We had no sooner got him quoted down
on that than he began to find fault with
the scenery along the road.
tits devlish awkward, ye know, to be
gazing at nothing but pine forest" he
broke out eff there are no mountains,
cliffs, valleys or pretty villages, why not
90 to work and provide them? They
can't expect fellow to put up with such
as this and go over the route another
time
We rubbed him down gently, and had
restored his good nature when we side
tracked for ten minutes for the other train
TO pass.
I'm no bloomin' chump, ye know" he
began at the end of two minutes, "but L
certainly protest against this delay. If
there is only one track, who IS to blame
for it? Is my valuable time to be taken
up in waiting here, because the other
train is not on time? In the first place,
there is no hair line; then there are no
compartments; then the scenery sets one
crazy; then we must switch off and sub
NIT to delay. Gents, observe that [
protest"
We patted him on the back and lulled
the storm, but it broke out again as soon
as we reached Jackson. He didn't like
the situation of the hotel nor any of the
rooms in it, nor the way the porter talked
back at him, and he flung himself into
chair and exclaimed:
I'm no bloomin' chump, ye know,
I can't go this-really, l can't"
While he had been fussing around we
had put up little job on him, and now
informed him that there was carriage
at the door to drive him to fine hotel
III the suburbs-a place we had not time
to visit.
"That's jolly, and [ won't forget the
favor, ye know" he said as he tossed his
bags into the hack and drove on.
The driver was directed to take him
out to the insane asylum, and the order
was faithfully carried out.
I'm a bloomin' chump if it isn't fine
building, though can't say much for
the scenery" said the man as they drove
up.
He alighted with all his baggage and
entered the uperintendendent's Office.
In about an hour he returned to the
hotel, and bursting into the office where
we sat smoking he hotly announced:
''First, there is no hair line; then no
compartment then no scenery; then no
double track; then L arrived at the tavern
to find it only a third-rate club house;
then I'm sent knocking about to a subur
ban hotel, and when [ reach it what does
the bald-headed old cock-a-coodle of a
landlord inform me? Why, gents, that
I've got to have certificate of insanity
to be admitted! I'm a blOomin' chump if
your blarsted country isn't enough to drive
one wild!'