Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1886-09-09
HUMOROUS.
SOME DAsHEs OF WIT AND BITS
OF HUMOR.

Yes, my child, Weddingsday was put
Immediately after Chooseday on pur-
pose.
Sunday-school Teacher: "Methusaleh
lived nine hundred years." Boy-"That
was pretty tough on his sons-in-law."
"Man proposes, but (says Rose Cleve-
land) it sometimes takes a great deal of
encouragement to get him to do So"
"Where is the best place to get fat?"
asked thin housekeeper of a neighbor.
"All over" was the unexpected reply.
Tobacco blindness is said to be on
the increase. The man afflicted by it
cannot see that he is putting smoke
right into the face of the person nearest
him.
John Ruskin says: "I owe more to
cab-drivers than any other persons in
this world" Evidently, then, it. is
about time for Mr.. Ruskin to settle up.
What is more pathetic than to see
the simple faith with which a bald
headed man will buy an infallible hair
restorative from bald-headed barber?
If you are in doubt as to whether or
no advertising pays just try to hold your
own eating green peas with two-tined
fork when everybody else Is using
spoon.
"Papa," said a little sick Twenty
third Ward girl, whose father had
brought her drink; papa, can't you
get some fresh water2 This tastes
withered."
"Here is a list of books to take to
Saratoga" remarked Mr.. Snooper, look
ing up from his paper, "and they have
actually omitted the most important
book OF all-the pocketbook."
EAt the horticultural exhibition. He
-"ThiS is Il lime tree, Clara. But you
are not looking" She" Yes, Charlie,
/ see it. But | was wondering how
they extract the mortar from il"
Smoker Look here, Isaac, this
cigar that ] Just bought of you won't
drawn Isaac" Won't drawp Veil,
do you subbosc Use giYin away SUCTION
bumps mid dem five Cents Vigtorias?"
"How Grass Widowers Exist in Sum-
mer," Is the subject of an elaborate
| article in an exchange. The truth is
that grass widower does not exist in
Summer: he just hangs around and
grins.
A woman who is suffering dog-day
weather up in one corner of New
Hampshire writes that 1t seems as il
"breaths were sold at auction and
everybody was able to bid higher than
YOU"
\ "In give you nothing,"' he exclaimed
z to the tramp. "Why don't YOU help
yourselfl Jump of the BROOKLYN
Bridge and get 800 week at dime
museum? You have no excuse for
i being poor
She had lovely pedal extremity and
her visitors were admiring it. "What
a beautiful foot you have, DEAR" re-
marked lady. "Yes. Pa says when
we go to Europe he'll have bust of it
made"
A book on etiquette informs you
show to tell man larger than your
self that he is a liar" But the best
way is to tell him through the tele-
phone, and then go out into the country
for few days.
An advertisement reads: "Wanted.
a young man to be partly out of doors
and partly behind the counter" and
Colonel Mooney has written to ask:
"What will be the result when the
door slams?"
~ tell you" said a rabid free-thinker,
"the idea that there is God never
comes into my head" "Ah, precisely
like my dog" responded Brother Tai
mage; "but he dosen't go around howl
ing about it,"
ave don't wish to be understood as
finding fault with nature" writes
Jersey correspondent, "but we do wish
from the bottom of our hearts that the
luminous end of the FREELY had been
hitched to the mosquito"
swell, Herr Yager, how do you like
the new postmaster?" II dun know
ouf he vas peter rs dot cdder Teller, der
vOmans postmaster, l don'd any more
fedders got now as benfore, und der
brice vas schoost der same"
Hardacre was wearily watching n
most villainously poor game of baseball
in Brooklyn yesterday. "What clubs
are theyp" he asked. "They are picked
Mines" replied scorer. "Then,' re-
piled the suffering spectator, "they
were picked before they were ripe"
There's brand new baby in town.
1t arrived the other day. 1t is q small
one. Its little five year old sister
watched 1t carefully for few minutes
| yesterday, and then turned to the mater
nal head of the family and said:
) "Mamma, couldn't papa have paid
another dollar and got larger onep"
1t was Freddys first experience with
+ soda water. Drinking his glass witt
4 perhaps undue eagerntss he was awar,
q of a tingling sensation in his nostrils
"How do you like it?' inquired hi
5 mother, who had stood treat. Fredd,
d thought moment, wrmklng his nos,
: rs he did so, and then observed: g
v tastes like your foots was asleep"
d "Charley," said young Mrs. Tooke
to her husband. 81 don't mind you
y drinking once in while as long yo
II eat plenty of cloves, but do hope you
r always drink nice, pure, sweet whisky
m saw a sign in the street the other da,
y which says, Whisky sours, and know
10 the stuff must be unhealthy after !
I'd s0urs." ,..
10 Stebbins--" B00lburr, here's O w0r,
ar with which 1 have never met before.
or Boolburr--a What Is it?' Stebbns-.
"Jargoggled," Boolburr-" Jargoggled
y Why, you should be very familiar viii
that" Stebbins--"Why SOP" Boolbur
-" 1t is the peculiar state of feeling il
VI which man finds himself when hi
d. landlord comes to see him and he ha
IL not cent toward the rent"
10 "Patrick Mulcahey, you are Charge
NJ with resisting an officer of the law.
- - "Yis, sor; faith did, sor; but II wu
~ all along o'you, sor; for the last toim
or Oh wuz here didn't yez say: Patricl
th phwat brought yez herey and sea
n The p'laceman, bad cess to him. ~
:. thin sez you: 'Foive dollars and cost,
!. an'see that he don't do It ag'n; AN b