Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-03-15

"How to be Happy Though Married"
is the title of a new English book. If the
work is not fraud few million copies
can be sold on this side.
Earl Carnarvon says he was struck
with the vast resources of the west of
Ireland. Previous viceroys have usually
been struck with bricks. .-LOoUeW Citizen.
Gentleman-''I the world owes every
man living, as you say, why don't you
collect yours?" Tramp IL can't do it,
The world has too many preferred credi-
tors. IN. 7. Sun.
A street-car brings the haughtiest
man down to a common level. Particu-
larly if it starts suddenly before the
naughty one has had time to pick out
his seat.-FaU RiUer Herald.
A professional reader who appeared
before ''literary class of young ladies
in New York was asked if they were ap-
preciative. why he said, mot one
of them paid the least attention until l
ceased
Clerk (who has been vainly trying to
employ his time) to employer-"Shall |
answer this letter now, sir?' Employer
Certainly not; if you do they will
think we are doing no business. Wait
four weeks. ."-Rambler.
The Presidents sister has put her fair
veto on smoking in the White House.
and Grover has now to tip the wink to
Dan Manning when he wants him to
come out and have pipe in the wood
shed.-FaU RiUer Herald.
A student of the dime novel-"Come
now, BERTHE, kiss your little sister and
make up with her." said mamma to her
10-year old boy. ''What! the Pawnee
| Chief bow low to pale-face Cry-Baby!
Mother, you ask too much. Tidbits.
A medical authority says: persons
have been bitten by mad-dogs and have
not gone mad" And then, again, some
persons get mad by being bitten by a
dog that is not mad They get mad
enough to kick the animal in two
No1rast0aUaa Herald.
'.Just borrowed 5000 on my note" :"
said young Hardup, land I feel like a
great mans monument" "How's that?"
said his friend; '''cause somebody else
has to pay for it!'' 80, no; not exactly
that; but I've got such good start on
paper. Brooklyn Eagle.
Esmeralda Longcoffin-I believe Mr..
McGinnis, that you think am stupid
creature Hostetter McGinnis-O, no,
nothing of the kind. No one can be
called stupid who can so accurately di-
vine the thoughts of another as you have
done mine.-Ieras Sittings.
The Chinaman is not incapable of
humor. Gin Fun, Sacramento laun-
dryman, has joined the Anti -Coolie
League, and posts over the door of his
washee house the sign: ''The Chinese
must 90. None but Mclean man en-
ployed here. San francisco Alta.
A lawyer in an eastern state, whose
reputation in the community was not
very high, met an old gentleman and
said to him: ''Do you know, Mr.. H,
that / am direct descendant of Miles
Standish?'' sis it possible?" was the
reply. ''What descentn' tn'-Aryosy.
Teacher to boy whose father keeps a
corner grocery Johnny, if your father
has hundred eggs and twenty of then
are bad how many does he losep''
Johnny-'He don't lose any of them
He sells the bad ones to the restaurant
keeper to make omelets of. "-1eras tSJt.
dngs.
1t was little girl at Maiden, who
having been naughty, and having re
ceived punishment from her mother
said this prayer fervently when she Wen
to bed that night: 30, God, please max;
me good; not real good, but just good
enough SO | won't have to be whipped. ;
boston Record.
Robbie said his father, ''yod've sa
there looking out of the window and
haven't moved muscle for thirty-fv'
minutes. Now, why couldn't you 81
still that way this morning?" ''Sit still
this morning?" echoed Robbie in amaze
ment. ''How could sit still this morn
ing? was in church!'' -Burdette.
At banquet given to the visitin.
general by the officers of a small town
Knoedelmeyer acts as waiter. He passe
the dumplings to the general, who take
two. Still the waiter holds out the plate
and when the general looks SURPRISED
the waiter whispers: ''There are thre
apiece, Excellency. - German Paper.
The Rev. B. R. Haweis says that -
poem becomes hymn as it becomes :
litter. y According to this notion,
says certain young man, my girl
father is not poem. Anyway, h
doesn't become hymn when he be
comes LITTER This may be becaus
he is opposed to the meet-her-Norris
torn Herald.
A hint to theatrical managers: Mis-
Clara-'.Are you familiar with Dante
Divine Comedy Mr.. Featherly?'' MI
Featherl y-.No; I've never seen it. Th
fact is, Miss Clara. l think this coined
business is being overdone. The soone
the stage returns to the legitimate dram
the better it will be for the profession.
-HdrDer's Bazaar.
GOOD RESULTS IN EVERY CASE.
d. A. Bradford, wholesale paper dealer of Cha
tanooga, Tenn, writes that was seriously afii,
ed with severe cold that settled on his lungs hi
tired many remedies without benefit Being indu
ed to try DIR. Kings New Discovery for Consum
ton, did so and was entirely cured by use of ft
D bottles. Since which time he has used il in
family for all coughs and colds with best resul
ms y the experience of thousands whose liy
t