The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1886-07-11


sew.
CONGRESS IS hurrying business so as
10 have an early adjournment. 1t is
thought that another week will accom-
plish the object.
WE have only one reason for being
skeptical about Mrs. Cleveland's charms
all the other ladies are so unanimous
in their admiration of her.
THE DENoRALIzED condition of the
public morals in Ohio is attributed to
the fact that none of the leading Ohio
cities has Democratic newspaper.
JUDGE BEER, of Ohio. Is a candidate
for a public office. His name should be
printed on the ticket without initials or
title in order to draw the largest vote.
In the police court: "Oficer, are you
sure that the man you have arrested is
dumb7" That I am. yer honor
didn't the blaggard tell me so himself?"
a MATHEMATICAL calculation has
shown that If the muscles of a man
were relatively as strong as those of
flea he could through q book agent two
miles.
LITTLE Fanny Dempsey, who was sut-
fering from toothache. remarked to her
mother: "oh, mamma, how lucky you
arel When you have the toothaohe
you can take them all out"
COMMISSIONER SPARKS continues to
slosh around in the General Land office.
he fits the premises so loosely that
there is danger of his banging against
the walls and fracturing himself.
WENDELL BAKER, the champion
sprinter of Harvard College, the other
day ran 44o yards in 479z seconds. If
the telegraph tells the truth about his
time, Mr.. Baker is clearly fast young
man.
The Englishman's definition of an
orator is applied to Mr.. Gladstone even
by political enemies of the Old Man
ELOQUENT. IAN orator." says Master
Punch. sis a man that nobody dares
dispute with"
Frrz-JoHs PORTER was born at Ports
mouth, n. H. August 80, 1922. and
graduated from West Point in 1915. he
served with distinction through the wal
with Mexico, being severely wounded
at the assault on the capital, September
ID. 1s47.
TIE point of difference is simply this
Which do W rlingmen most need
cheap clothes and dear whisky, or deal
clothes and cheap whisky7 SowdoI
saws: "Geb ne lett wulfeller whisky u
don kenna afforda crosse preiss TIL
batavia for era claider."
AT Orlendo. No some children guar
relied about who should swing en-
picnic ground. Norville, the father o
one set of children, stabbed and killet
Goddard, the father of the other {
There will be no dispute about the swini
Norville will swing on.
EXTRACT from a young Newpor
sveIl's note TO friend; Sorry Can
bee introduced to Your sister This at
ternoon, mi Valet left mi Three o'clocl
Suit in new York an kouldn't Go on
ina Check suit Then. 0rfuIly sorry
Faithfully yours, AlgernOn BERT
Silly"
LORD RANDoLPH CHURCHILL says i
his election manifesto: The COnstitu
ton is TO be shattered and the Libers
party is 70 be shiEered, for no othe
reason than to crafty the ambition {
an old man in q hurry" Some on
should lead that youngster behini th
coal-shed and spank him. .~
EDEIK Booth, it is said, is weary, i
and respondent" and probably will T,
tire at the close Of next season. He ha
paid his debts, settled his daughter wit
handsome dover, and has enough I
live on in his quiet way, and ii is
familiar fact that the mere triumphs
the stage have long lost their charm fc
him.
SwIsBURSE has contributed to tn
literature Of the electoral conflict i
England q "song" so called VIII ch wi
perhaps not add much 10 his fam,
Swinburne's name is made up of tw
syllables that are significant in the eli
eumstances. Swim is the old Euglis
word which has left rs the plural swim
and signifed hog; while burne is N
rivuIet or small stream in which n
hoys vera washed From n ~ ter vfil