Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1886-10-22
MARRIED MANS INDICATOR. "

The latest genius who has applied
for a patent, says the Washing
ton correspondent of the st. Paul
Dispatch, is the man who has in
vented what is known as "The
Married Mans Indicator" 1t is a
wonderful, sensitive arrangement
of the ordinary thermometer in con-
venlent pocket size, and is graded
to a scale ofcabalistic marks, which
show the exact state of the dOmes-
tic atmosphere at any hour OF the
night. The hard-worked aud be.
lated husband arrives home, say
about midnight. He takes out the
Indicator, thrusts 1T in the key-hole,
and lets it remain there "a few sec
onds. Pulling it out quickly, he
scans the dial by the moOnlights
ftful cleaning. If it marks -.
A." Sound asleep, the poor hus-
band pulls of his boots noiSeleSsly (;
uses his night-key with ba ted
breath; gives the door a quick pull
to keep it from creaking; steals
trembling to ted, and when his
dear wife wakes up about two Sc
conds afterwaId and wants to know
how long he has been home, he is
sound asleep. If the indicator
scores "a. a. G. Is. ID. X. w. I. l.
L." awake awful cross, but don't
know what time it iS), the husband
puts a few more grains OF coffee in
his mouth, opens the door boldly
and walks in with a slambang air,
hits his boots Intentionally against
a chair, wants to know why the
devil chairs don't keep out of his
way, gets desperately mad on gen
eral principles, scares his wife clean
cut of her crOssness and curtain
lectures, refuses to let her get up
and strike a match-never did like
a light at night anyhOw-remarks
gruflly IN response to timid query,
that otis about twenty minutes
after ten and then turns into bed
with such an apparent awful state
of mind that the wife of his bosom
is afraid to speak to him, at which
he is very sad, Of course.
There are other marks on the in
dictator showing just where it will
do to play the "lodge dodge" or
the "sick FRIEND" or "been stand
ing on the corner talking to sO-and-
SO for more than an hour or Gen
eral or Honorable this or that from
YOU know where, was in town, and
had to 60 away on the two o'clock
train, and he insisted so strongly
that the whole party stayed up to
see him off, although he was a
great bore, and we did it only
through courtesy" But the most
awful of all the cabalistic signs on
the dial is the one at the top, about
two marks above the boiling point.
When the weary husband cones
home about four o'clock q. M, from
the direction of the butcher shop,
with a roll of meat held high in the
air so that every one he passes can
not fail to see 1t, and sticks the in
dictator in the key.hole, he is al
most too weak to draw { out.
With hair on end he reads it by the
faint light streaming in upon him
from over the eastern hills, and
sweat breaks out on his noble brow
as large as walDuts, as he sees the
bulb of the Indicator jammed smack
up against ar. III. S. w. i. y. /. 7.
D." (red hot, still waiting for You
inside the door. The inventor Of
the instrument says that when a
man has this terrible misfortune to
Overtake him, he feels that there is
nothing left worth living for.
He sings the meat out into the
ward and braces himself for the
coming fray, but says nothing, for
nothing can be said. BE he ever
so gifted a liar, his accomplishment
is no more than yalueless. No
lodge, no sick friend, no talking on
the corner, no sitting up to see the
General of, no swearing that he
will never do it again-in fact moth
ing will prevail. 1t is an indeien-
sible case.
lie is caught. Even the CHASTITY
gayety with which two hours pre-
vious he had said to the boys he
guessed he would see it out, "might
as well be killed for a sheep as a
lamb" had all vanished. The indi-
Gator having told him the exact
state of things, he knows exactly
what to do, and that is nothing but
to get to bed at once and wrap the
drapery of his couch about him,
pull the pillow over his ears, and
wait for his wife's breath to give
out. It's awful while it lasts, but
it has had its use in relieving the
husband of his great load Of ankle
ty. The indicator is a great in
Col. Montgomery will al
low it to 20 through, if possible.
Half a Million In Ashes.
EAsTPORT, Me-, October ID
The fire which broke out at two |
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