The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1886-12-24
ARTEMUs WARD.
The Humorist's Trip Through the West-How
He Bulldozed Fellow-Passenger.

The Humorist's Trip Through the West-How
He Bulldozed a Fellow-Passenger.
Detroit Free Press.
When Artemus Ward lett "the States" for the
purpose of capturing the Mormons. or being
captured by them, he had for fellow passenger
on the stage man from the East who had been
over the overland route once, and who felt that
it was his duty to lengthen many weary hour
for the meditatve and sensitive humorist By I'M
bosoming himself of what he knew of the coun-
try and other paraphernaia of the West. When
they got pretty well out and Artemus was still
alive, the talking passenger remarked pointing
out of the stage window:
These are the great ,festern plains you read
about"
"The great plains9" said Ward. waking up and
looking out. why, where the towering
mountains, the snow capped peaks, and the foot
hills which adorn theml"
mo mountains ever adorned the plains" said
his friend They are on dead level"
well, now" said Artemus. Il must have
read of these somewhere long ago, In connection.
with the plains. In some dime novel / think
And to think of it, what great changes have
taken place In this section. The terrible winds
of late years have completely leveled this coun
try till there isn't mountain in sight, nor a tree
to climb up and feast your eyes on. There has
been great change-a great change. These
plains not even rolling undulating,
they once were but how they ever got them to
stop rolling or undulating is something that puz-
zles me, but they can do anything here IN this
great West Yet whore are the butfaloes that
used to go buffaloing. and tho anteopes that
went anteloping across these plains2"
They have been ruthessly killed off for their
skins" was the answer.
'Ah. yes: ah, yes; reject now. The buffalo
robe has gone to make the sealskin sacque of the
effete and shivering East worn very late and
very early in the season. the symbol Of metro
poitan extravaganza; Also to furnish the walrus
overcoat, or to collar and cuff the overcoat of the
imminent theatrical manager, or to warm the
~1Alz At
occasionally warm the audience, leave him cold
and shivering when the play is over. All. yes,
the buffalo robe! / own an imitation one And
out here Is where they crew. / have heard that
the hunters used to steal the robe from the buff
falo with as little conjunction as they would
take one out of my sleigh, and let its shorn own
or jyallop off, singing in the language Of Robe
spierre
The knife of the hunter my robe hath torn.
To the western shore we travel shorn.
But are all the bisons gone from their ancient
domains2"
"There are very few left; hardly enough to
supply the market with ierked meat"
'Jerked buffalo meat9 Yes, yes. i remember
| had some for lunch iii Kansas City after
lecture. It's tough You fasten your teeth
it, get good grip on it with both hands, and
jerk when you don't get bite. know it. /
have no sympathy for the buffalo. It is a
tough road he travels and he deserves it But
see; there goes band of noble Indians on the
warpath."
''Oh, no. Those are cowboys"
Eyes, now see. band of noble cowboys
the cowpath. But are there no Indian residents
on these plains left around herel"
They're about all gone West or dead"
'"That's just what said long ago. If it kept
on that way there would not be a noble red man
left, right. / never did uphold this promis-
cuous Strengthening of Indians in dispatches of
our frontier commanders. I always thought
they killed too many, on paper, unnecessarily,
and that it was not only disastrous to the Indi-
ans. but it was disgraceful to be killed in such
vast numbers with ink, but we have enough of
them TO spare. Then look at the number of In
dams 1t takes to supply the authors of the week
ly dime novels-sent to the happy hunting
grounds before they know it or are prepared for
It'll / said long since that at the rate the san
culinary authors were slaughtering them,
in few. years time they would have
enough Piutes to stock two chapters
of a border tale However, in expeditions after
hostile tribes have always advocated the policy
of taking one Indian romance writer along to
put him at the front, and the demand would
soon exhaust the supply, and save the lives of
our precious soldiers Still a sigh grabs me
when [ think how the aborigine is being driven
toward the setting sun, and wonder what will
happen when he is driven into it," And Arte-
mus wiped an imaginary tear out of his imagi-
nary eye with nearly an imaginary nandker-
chief
After reflective pause the now subdued pas
S6uR6F 6hiu.
This is the great West"
EYES," said Artemus. "the great West out here
gets pretty far west. more west than it has ever
been in its life. and yearly more so.
Westward the of empire holds its way.
/ never was a section where the country was
more numerous and stretched out on the Indian
rubber plan as it were There is more of it to
the square mile than ever saw before. I OBJ
serve that on these plains the eye see as far
as il can reach, and then it has TO sit down, ex-
hausted to rest before it can continue its ex-
cursion further away. Distance is all knocked
endways here. Now you observe those elks
over there"
'Elks! Those are Texas cattle"
81 should have said Texas cattle. They only
seem half mile away, but if was sent out to
reach them | would be two miles away in no
time. A mile is nowhere here Everything is
boundless You buy a claim out here aud it is
also boundless. Next thing you know You have
half of all your neighbors' claims OF course
you'll fight little over it. Every foot of these
plains has been halowed by the pen of Emerson
Bennett Now there is your beautiful prairie
flower there is"
''That's jimson weed"
81 mean the one right by it."
''That's prairie thistle
swell, what mean to say is that am going
to sleep Good day."