Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-11-04

Ter, Salu the grOcerS clerk to the
hardware man at our boarding-house
pass the which," 1.-The Scandinavian
butter-Ole Omargarine, you know"
The landlady tainted, Minneapolis
Tribune.
A teacher was endeavoring to explain
question in arithmetic to dull
scholar; Suppose you had 100 sover-
cigns and were to give away so, how
would you ascertain how much you had
remaining?' why, I'd count it."
drawled the hopeful
At the Dudery: as it true Smith IS
going to call Brown outP" II believe
it is" 'Why, what is the troublep"
''He insulted him in the deadliest way;
invited him TO dinner. and offered him
calf's brains la Knickerbocker for the
entree. y 1o1on Topics.
1t is told in Washington that after a
certain Senator, noted for his absent
mindedness, came to this city for a
short visit. this memorandum was found
in his room: Things to take along:
One pair socks, one shirt, two collars,
one pair cuffs, one wife,
Frank Kremer has been added to the
Bell staff as reporter. Any favors
that the public can extend to him in
the way of smoking tobacco, n square
meal, or other Injuries will be fully APP
preciated by this great original house
hold necessity. -EsteLttne (Dak.) Bell
An Indian chief who is visiting in
Washington at Government expense
was introduced to Senator recently
who has q very bald head. The chief
looked at him for some moments with
great interest. Finally he said: Ugh!
Where you fight Injun some timep".
N Y. San.
Suppose you've heard that they are
selling birds at all the soda-water fount-
ains?' says the man with the gag.
mo, haven't" at is Il fact" What
kind of birds are they selling there?"
Swallows. Then the man with the
gag runs Cincinnati Times Star.
A San Francisco Chinaman who had
been found smuggling cigars in his
coat-slecyes was asked how he came by
tie cigars. "A tlend askee me hold
them till he come back; he one bad
man. he no come back; he habce ebil
eye, replied the innocent All Sin.
"Wonder what I'd better name him."
said Johnny. thoughtfully, as he watch
ed his new dapple colt drinking eagerly
in the brook. I'm tell you," cried his
comrade Willie, eagerly; "call him Pre-
served Fruit" why Preserved Fruitp"
Because" replied Willie. "he's such
u dry dapple. "-7eras Syttngs.
The following poem appears in the
obituary columns of Baltimore news
paper under the death notice of hus-
band and father. born in Ireland, aged
54
He heard tho angels calling him
From that Celestial shore;
He Topped his wings and away he went
TO make one angel more. BY HIS SON.
-Harper'S Monthly.
A Texas preacher caught four or five
boys in his peach-trees. He did not
punish them, but merely said: you
ought TO be ashamed of yourselves,
particularly the big boys Which of
you boys here is the oldest?" "Hc
amt here at all, sir. He didn't know
that we were coming" said a youngster.
2cras !Siftngs
Young Man-''Is it true, doctor, that
smoking cigarettes tends to soften the
brainP" Physician-"rher is belief
to that effect, but with all our boosted
modern scientific appliances it can
never be verified. p" Young Man
why, doctor?" Physician" Because
nobody with brains ever smokes then"
N Y. Sun.
Mr.. WI guess they will prove that
Runnta hn al l.
speare's." MIR. S.-'Gracious! hope
they won't! Mr.. W.-"Why. what diff
ference does it make to youP" Mr.. S.
Il have put in two years reading
Shakspeare's plays, and if they prove
he did not write them all that time will
be wastedm-DetroH Free Press.
1t requires good deal of nerve to
perform duty visits under such condi-
tons as happened the other day when
man in Paris called at house where
he had been dining two days before.
With his card-case in his hand he asked
the concierge: Are NJ. and Nine. X.
at home?" ''Yes, sir" 20, all right;
then will call again. London Globe.
Hilarious Passenger-''I've got a
pass over this road. | can get one any
day want it. President of the Road
(unrecognized) -''Will you allow me to
see it?' Certainly Here it is"
This is regular ticket. You paid for
it" why. of course | did. You
didn't suppose stole it, Ell? l buy one
every day. | didn't say it was Il free
pass. Philadelphia CAL.
A correspondent tells story of
m +,
in front of the Capitol and throwing
dimes and nickcls into the water to see
the fish dive after them. The thing is
preposterous. If the correspondent
had told us that the fish stood around
the pond and threw dimes and nickels
into the water to see the Congressman
dive after them we might have believed
it Cincinnati Enquirer.
George is working too hard" ex-
claimed n fond but foolish wife, refer
ring 10 her husband. '.Indeed?n said
friend of her husband. HE does
look very pale" Hes not only SO
pale. but absent-minded. He does not
appear to have n thought about what he
is doing. Only the other night we were
out 10 dinner-party. when the host said,
speaking to George: What will you
have?' George replied: III take Two
cards.' Poor man. he's working too
hard. st. Paul Globe.
\ stranger who attempted 10 drown
himself at St Louis and was pulled out
of the river was asked by one of the
crowd around him: Say, do you really
want TO make 4 sure thing of it?"
Yes, want TO die. :" Want TO die
real bad?" Yes" "All right; come
over here in the saloon where there is a
gang of men and hurrah for Jay Gould
for the next President. If you live three
minutes after yelling I'll pay your board
for whole month" The man con-
cluded TO live on. - VAL Street NeUs
Ma" said little 9-year-old sam,
'does it cost anything to come and call
on pa9" why, certainly not" replied
the mother; what put that idea into
Your hcad?n Il went down to papa's
office today, and Mr.. Smith came In"
''Wcll, what of ihat?" asked his mother.
Il was Just going to tell you. Papa
asked Mr.. Smith to call again, and MIR.
Smith said: No, thank you; the last
time called YOU had tull house. and
it cost me many cases What did he
l. -