The Irish standard., 1886-07-31
''STANDARD'' BREVITIES.

''STANDAkV' BkEVlIlhS.
The best cure of al1-sinecure.
Charity covereth multitude of shins.
A wiseacre can't always grow big
crops.
Germans very rarely eat fish because
there are very few varieties that can
swim in beer.
'sJohn, my crazy quilt is finished at
last. What shall do with it?" "Send
it to the lunatic asylum"
"Hallelujah Hitch'' is the name of
bonnie Salvation Army captain stationed
at Fort Colborne, Canada.
ttYou ought to be proud of your
trade said the customer to the barber;
s:most of it is head work, you know"
Actors are too much given to quarrel
ling, considering that it is a part OF the
business to kiss and ''make up"
In China there are upward of 200 books
on etiquette, and yet the people OF that
country appear in public with their shirt
tails out.
sWe want q circus and we want it
bad!' exclai1ns q western editor. We
should think he would n good one while
he was wanting.
Hotel clerk: ssYour room, sir, is 443.
If you have any use for the porter, just
ring the bell" Guest: "Thanks,
never drink any hotel porter.
Can man who is intoxicated with
music be considered air~tight? The
tenor OF the question is altogether too
base to allow it to be seriously answered.
It is eaid worry kills more people than
work. The perfectly independent man
is the tramp, who has no work, no wor-
~ and nothing to wear him out
''Have you laid anything aside for
rainy day?'' asked the doctor of sick
man. eyes, an umbrella. I suppose
you want to borrow it," replied the in
valid.
Signs are often times deceieving.
F'rinstauce, blacksmith is not horse.
to be sheer, and yet his sign often tells
us, most emphat,cally, tnat he's & horse
sher.
ca young man, desires us to give
him good recipe ''for fattening his thin
legs" ''Young man. is informed that
milk is usually che best thing to fatten
calves Oh.
els he q man OF much culiber," said
g;rl to belle about certain gay and
gilay congressman. ooh, yes,:' was
tl,s confident reply, che is the greatest
bore l. ever say
4 dispatch says ''the Indians are
being hemmed in.'' This is encourag~ |
ing. They have been putting Oh too
many fulls Of lslte; but we should prefer |
20 hear that they we're being basied
MADAM sighed the tramp, as he
tried to hide a beautiful peach brown
blush, ''can't yos1 let me have 81 nights
lodging so that can forget / III hungry?
I'm ashamed to ask for something to |
eat"
Duaely: nay family have always
been distinguished one, sir, always. |
When my father was in Virginia, they
named o. river after him." Jones: eyes, !
SO I've heard. The Pamonkey wasn't
it? Very appropriate.
A writer i'll an English magazine says
he ''once dined Off young monkey which
is something like rabbit, but i1nn1easur~
ably superior to jt.'' Tt would not be
safe to leave that fellow alone with q
dude.
;'What, 40 cents for little can OF
French sari1ines like that?'' exclaimed
lady at a fish story. ssYes num- re-
piled the dealer, you see this Canadian
fishery fuss has cut Of our French sar-
dine supply, ond The price has riz.''
t'Mercy on lie, Mary, where have you
been? The hnck Of your dress is COW
cred wish dust You hove not been sit
ting on the trout steps, I hope?'' t'No, !
ma. I couldn't get they piano stool !
high enough, so I put the big Bible on
it.''
The Japanese have 800 miles Of rail
road in operation. They make their
own cars and build their own lines,
bridges and tuunels-and up to the hour
Of going to press Philadelphia syndi~
cate has not got possession of their
roads.
Aggrieyed father (who has caught his
son helping himself to wine) 'sYou bad