The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1886-02-27
HIS FIRST LECTURE.
How Artemus Ward Failed to Bring
Down His House.
N. Y. Worldly

Before ventured to storm the big cities"
said Artemus Ward, 81 thought I'd take a
modest turn in some of the towns and villa
ges up through New York State. and set
tied to begin at an outside place called Co.
shen, great cheese and butter depot. NV
agent was an advertising fend named Joh
P, Smith, who stuck at nothing as far
printers ink was concerned, and was O bi
of a wag in his way. He promised to dol
level best to make the lecture a success. We
put up at the principal inn and distributed a
hatfull of free tickets so as to be sure Of a
decent crowd in the hall. Well, everything
was in readiness, and at the last moment /
sent for Smith, who was to tend the door.
| said, John, feel shaky and nervous, and
wish after the people get well in, you'd
give me hand now and then to start 'em
on
Leave it to me, said Smith, encouraging
ly. Pll fix that
AT the proper time presented myself to
the expectant public. was rugged out in
white vest and tie and looked as inslpid
as boiled fowl. Ididn't get hand Smith
was too busy collecting the tickets to look
after my entrances so my send-off was not
stimulating. Ibegan my lecture in a meas
ured tone of voice, and you might have heard
cannon ball drop or the stealing of pock-
et-handkerchief. At any rate they were at
tentive thought; so let off in due course
what considered good joke. They didn't
take it. paused, then went on. By and by
let off anOther-same result; then another,
and Smith, who had got through ticket col
lecting and inserted himself among the peo-
pie, began to applaud Justify. My experience
of sympathetic city audiences had previously
suggested that when some one boldly and
braVely leads off the applause others usually
follow, but at Goshen this habit did not OBJ
tain. A man well up in front cried:
'Silence! H-i-s-hP
Again proceeded and told them a story
that many time and oft had related with
screaming success in private circles. Smith
this time set up a terrific gutfaw, stamped
and clapped his hands, and rocked back
ward and forward as though he was utterly
overcome by my humOr. The audience was
not to be lured into following his example.
SilenceP shouted one.
Don't interrupt the speakerP howled
another.
Turn him OUT roared a third.
AND hall the audience rose to see who had
caused what they thought an unseemly and
rlotous interruption in the evenings pro-
eeedings. A farmer-looking man near Smith
had thick stick in his hand and a menac-
ing look In his eyes. | thought he meant
business and would go for him. / had come
to dead standstlll, and my agent saw his
opportunity. He leaped on one of the empty
chairs and proceeded to address the audi
enee
Ladies and gentlemen, shrieked he, Il am
free and enlightened citizen of this glori-
Gus republic, and claim the proud privilege
of enjoying ArtemuS Wards anecdotes.
When I enjoy anything laugh out loud, and
when laugh make a noise. cast no re-
Elections on you, my fellow citizens, but it's
clear to me your heads are too thick for Mr..
Wards stories to penetrate. 1.-THE rest Of
the sentence was lost in the confusion that
followed
Out with him.
who is hep
Hill Hi Pitch him in the pondP
Dry up!
And hundreds of similar observations rent
the air. l pantomined to Smith to withdraw.
he Obeyed, and peace being restored pro-
ceeded This episode rather amused me,
and fell into my best vein. | told them
anecdOte after anecdOte, story after story,
and fired off fusilade Of crisp and biting
jest. 1t was no use. Icould not for the soul
OF me rouse them to any outward expression
of appreciation or enjoyment. Then / felt
vexed; at last grew whimscally vicious in
my despair. In for penny, in for pound,
thought !, when / suddenly stopped, and
glaring dehantly at a certain man in the au-
dience, pointed at him with my index finger
ana looking at my WaIcn, SaiQ:
Ladies and gentlemen, for three-quarters
of an hour have been trying my hardest to
dig laugh out of you. Up to now | have
not succeeded. don't wish to be personal,
but if that man with red hair and long nose
doesn't laugh shall stop this solemnity and
go and hang myself
Now, mark the provincial mind" re-
marked Artemus. ''The audience, who had
passed over some mighty fine wheezes and a
few well-crusted Joe Millers, regarded this
olIuci0p IN tha rQd- hoirQ6 m with tho lOnn
nose a tremendous local joke which they
thoroughly understood, and they simply
howled. 1t is true had not calculated on
this combined result of audacity and accident
but | felt that the audience had had Some-
thing for their money and had not left their
homes entirely in vain.
The audience rolled out, ehattering away,
and my faithful j. P. Smith stood at the
door to collect opinions.
What did they seem to sayp | asked when
we got to the hotel, and were tOtaling up the
receipts
'Say?' replied Smith; well, wouldn't
like to repeat all heard, but one man SAID
he guessed you were taughing at them in
your sleeve, and that you were darned
fraud, anyhow, and gently insinuated that
the next time you visited Goshen you'd bet
ter have your life insured Another man
said you might be smart enough for some
towns, but you wasn't up to the mark for
Goshen.
Here the landlord of the Buck joined ms.
He seemed a good natured man, and / ven
tured to ask him what he thought of my lee
ture.
WALL said he, with crushing urbanity,
while frank expression danced into his
honest blue eyes, 4 didn't quite get a grip
of what you were preaehin' about. You see,
I'm not much of a hand for shows and sich
like; but by the great United States, when
you p'inted out that ar red-hair'd rooster
with long beak-wall, must say | thowt
it were the best thing I ever heer'd in my
life"