Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-12-27
THE LIME KILN CLUB.
AN ADDRESS ON THE SUBJECT OF
"RlCHES VS.. HAPPINESS"

ways Bring Consolation and Content
ment-Advice to n Young Man.
81 desiah to denounce 10 dis assemblage,"
said Brother Gardner as the meeting
opened, dat de Hon. Skyfustus Ellington,
OF New Orleans, am in de aunty room an
am waitiu' to address us on the subjeck of
Riches VS. Happiness De Hon. Skyfus-
tus has addressed US befo', an it am need
less to 'splain to you dat he knows de biz
ness of oratory as well as a hoss doctor
knows what ails a sick mule He 'Rm rich
In wisdom. 'sperienced in philosophy, an
has trabbled mo- miles on freight trains dan
any odder orator in de world. Doorin' his
address desire de silentest quietness Any
pusson found guilty of frowing shucks
around will he sot down on wild terrible
airneStness befO' do lodge closes. De re-
cepshun committee will now escort de
gem Ian in. -
The committee left the hall for that pur-
pose, and soon rcappeared in company with
the visitor. While he WIS taking a drink
Of water and removing his neck-tie collar
and suSpendeTs the brethren had pretty
good look at him He sized up two stories
and a basement, about forty-fve years old,
knees rather out of true, feet which
wouldn't rattle around any in pair Of No.
les, and q mouth built on purpose for
pumpkin pie. He bowed right and left to
all acquaintance, assembled the platform
with = skip, and at once began:
RICHES VS.. HAPPINRsS
my frens, what am riches' You csn't
tell me. / see by de blank 'spreshup on
your faces dat you can't. Riches my
~, hafpo i1b To
rich you hain't poor. II you au poor
you hain't rich. OATS bin my 'speri-
ence fur de last fifty vars, an whis it has
cost me good deal of money am willin'
to gin it to you fur muffin Suppressed
excitement over getting something for moth
ing. We hev scberal men in dis kentry
worth more'n $50, ,00O. Dey wsllow in
riches, but what shout der happiness,
Oar must be some consolasbun in being
able to walk into a grocery an tell de gro
Ger to send up fifty pounds Of bakin' pow
der an millyon clothes pins, but does dat
rich mogul sleep any sounder dat night den
de man who has drank sixteen cent tea fur
supper OF co'se he doan't, Like nuff he
dreams of dem VERY milyon clothes pins,
an in his dreams he am a towel on a
clothesliue an e5ery pin am tryin' to stick
u eatASidtNIoh
over the hall
my frens," coutinued the speaker, as he
began to warm up to his work, de rich
man walks on velvet ca'pets, an he sots
down on stuffed cheers, an he has Sara
toga 'taters ebery meal He jist rolls in
ham an eggs, an he walks all ober fricas-
seed chicken. De poo man walks on a bar
foo, sots on a hard cheer, an his 'taters
4 W. H. !
happiests You will say de rich man, of
co'se, but dst's whar' yer toes turn in.
When night comes de poo man has no
fear o burglars; de nooSepapers hain't
gwine ter pitch inter him in de mawnin;
his wife hsint gwine ter 'lope wild emmy
body; his son am not gwine ter be spelled
from college. He jist sits der an eats snow
apples an popco'n, an contentment drips all |
ober him. Sensation, during which Elder !
Toots became excited and yelled fire" at
the top of his voice.)
DE rich man wars brOadcloth." con- |
tinued the orator after getting away with |
another drink, an he rides in his keer-
idge, an he goes TO de opera You envy
him, bat what poo fules you am. All lie |
time he am doin' dis he am 'spectin' dat de |
smallpox will break out in his family an
take ebery one of EN- off. De poo man /
goes afoot, wars plain wooden. an he doan' |
know what de inside of an opera house looks |
like. As reward he nebber has de small /,
pox nor dipthyria. tChuckles of satisfac- |
tion, during which raw potato hit Sam
uel Shin in the neck
"PooR But HONEST"
"On cherry hand you h'ar de 'spreshun:
Poo but honest Nobody eber saws: |
Rich but honest. II am only poo folkses 1
who lib from hand to mouth who am hon |
est. Ebery honest sentiment iii de human |
breast teaches US to be poo When your /
ole woman, dressed in kaliker an WARM |
her last summer hat, sees a rich lady sailin' |
past her, harnessed up in silks an dia-
monds an sealskin, she may fur q moment |
feel enviOus. But, my frens when she |
comes to refieck dat rich women hev to |
W ar shoes one size To small, an stockings |
wild stripes all up an down de legs an hcv |
dressmakers an har'rdressers an gin balls |
an parties, she feels TO pity EN- with all |
her noble heart. Great applause and one |
hiss, the latter coming from Whalebone |
Howker, who will get Hail Columbia at |
the next meeting)
'If was axed to advise a Young man,"
said the orator as he Strengthened out his .
left leg to clear it of cramp Il should |
warn him agin strugglin fur too much |
wealth II stings like an adder an bites /
like a sarpint. Riches am de cause of jesl-
ouses, envy. an crimes OF all sorts. Dar'
can't be no comfort fur de rich man. He |
am worried about his cloze; his HOSES run
away; his coschman 'lopes on wild his
deIter', de bank in which he has got his
~ Ay-far ha hao I
suffered an suffered, long comes death
an takes him away, an no sooner am he
buried dan his body am stolen BY a medical
college. tApplause.l All de POO man has
10 do am TO get in his meat an taters an
wood fur de winter, buy cloze fur de ole
woman an de chiIl'en, lay in ten bar'ls Of
apples an two of cider, pay up his debts.
put $50 bill in his vest pocket an purceed
% take solid comfort an happiness.
Cries Of: Yum, Yum!0 Sickness will not
,ome to him-truble will pass him by, an
le will be nominated fur alderman in de
ipring.
"f dar am any man in dis club who
ighs fur riches he am de subjeck Of my
,ity. warn you in my most solemn tones
o quit dat signing True happiness am
vuth mo dan all the gold eber dug from
firth.
Gem len, had intended TO incloode de
,arden Of paradise in my remarks, an to
'ring in de pyramids, Christoper Columbus
N George Washington, but de hour am
ate an ! must elongate dis oratory to
'rolongated gaietus Wishin' YOU all posi-
'le health an happiness, will now deter
innate my desideratum an bid you fare
veil detroit Free Press.