davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09
HUMOROUS.

An Irish recruit was asked by his
officer: whats your heightP' to
which Pat replied: "Five feet ten or
ten feet tive-I am not sure which"
An honest old farmer, on being in
formed the other day that one of his
neighbors owed him a grudge, growled
OUT mo matter; he never pays any
thing
"A correspondent asks how to serve
a dinnes. Ii it is a good dinner and
you are hungry, just eat it. That's the
way we would serve dinner. --Albany
Journal
An Attorney COW swallowed SOW
ereign seven years ago, and the coin
was recently discovered in her stomach
after she was butchered. Her owner
wondered what made her milk so rich.
Prairie Farmer.
The New Bedford Mercury, report
ing the proceedings of the Water
Works Association in that city, says:
"After some further discussion, driven
wells were taken up" That must be
an association Of experts. -Loueu
Courier.
Yes" said Mrs. Towser, as she
expatiated upon the beauties of he,
flower-garden, 81 have given 1t great
care, and if you come over in week OF
two expect to be able to show you
some beautiful scarlet pneumoniaS. ~
N. T. Ledger.
"A young doctor said to girl
'Do you know, my dear, have heart
affection for youP" Have you had il
lungp" she coyly inquired. "Oh, yes,
l feel that l will liver troubled life
without you!' he fervently responded.
"Then you better asthma" she softly
murmured.-M y Telegram.
An Australian poet, said to be
every young sings:
| "Oh! what horrible thing is death,
When it comes before you get your breath!
And good old lady, on reading the
effusion, sighed and said: Indeed! in
deed! it is, as have often found to my
sorrow."
-..Now, Mr.. Johnson, you are wei
up in mythology" Yes. sir, that
where you can always find me-" 1--WE
have all sorts of muses-thc muse O
poetry, the muse of dancing and so on
Now, want to ask, for the informa
ton of all present, whether there i
any muse of darkness-of nightP
"Well, Mr.. Hendricks, mythologically
speaking, there is not. Categorical!
speaking, the night is full of mewa"-
NJ 7. Independent.
won't you 60 up, dear and ge
my goats off the burean?" You
goatsp" queried Jones; what new
tangled thing's that?" '.rll show
you," remarked the wife. and sh
sailed upstairs and down again with {
pair of kids on her hands. "Ther
they are" said she. "Why, | cal
those kids" said the surprised hus
band. "Oh. do youP" replied tn
wife. $50 did once, but they are s.
old now I'm ashamed to cal, then
any thing but goats" Jones took th
bint-ChieaSo Joarnd.
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09
TEMPERANCE READING.
BRIDGET IN THE ALLEY.

u whit down the alley" said Bridget Nc.
Flynn,
Ard poor place II was for me fate TO be in:
For the glimpse that got OF the peoples
back DOORS
or the ashes and palens and babes on the
floors,
or the men wld the pipes sending up sch
SMOKE,
Ye'd think that the pigs and the poultry
might choke.
And the smell of the place and the oaths
and the din
Sure the angels would never be made to
come in,
Since il even disguised poor Bridget Nc
Flynn.
Oh the looks OF thim windows, wild niver
blind
To kape out the glances of eyes too unkind.
Sure | saw at one window, forgivin the
A woman and child weepin there wild a
hurt,
And SCARED face it was pressed so close
10 the pane,
Wild the tears streamin' down like the thick
drops of rain;
And a man wild face all discolored and
big,
Wild not more intelligence there than pig.
"And the cries of the chider, and looks OF
thin all
Sure there's nothing more certain to me
than the rail-.
Ough! even the childer were stained, and so
Wild the sin of the fathers the looks of a
child
Was gone from each brow, and a bad look
instead
Jist fell on me heart like a piece of hot
Aud thought, perhaps, to wash thin within
and without
Wild some pure running water, would
change thin about;
But the filth is so deep that prayed in
despair
While me tears began falling to ease me
hearts care.
But last up the alley Isaw the saloon
The plague of the ally thought l should
The odors breathed out like the hot mouth
And the chlder went dipping their jugs II
And coming and running, and supping and
blinking,
saw the whole alley were given to drink
ing.
And out of that reservoir, filthy wild sin,
Flowed the rivers of fire that entered widir
Every home, every heart, every soul in the
place,
And pointed and cried: There's the foun
of disgrace"
"Ough the laughter, and wailing, and ours
ing rose up,
| AS they drank the vile dregs of each sin
poisoned cup.
| There were tears of mad hearts in then
sObs, of despair
There was even the blood of poor soul
| mingled there;
And they roared and they cursed and the!
laughed, as know
The demons of murder and hate laugh a
| woe,
| And ran from the alley and the hot breat
| of sin,
As if demons were after" said Bridget Nc
| Flynn.
-Fdnnie Bolton, in linton Signal.
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09
A TERRIBLE STORY.
Two Children Starving While the Mother
Lies Drunk on the Floor.


Lies Drunk on the Floor.
Mrs. Annie McDuff was before Just.
ice c. J. White charged with being an
habitual drunkard. The complainant
is Mrs. Dora Isaacks, who occupies the
front part of the same house in which
the defendant and her two children
lived. The reason she made complaint
was on account of the two children,
who for weeks past have been neglected
and almost starved TO death, while the
mother has been lying drunk in one
corner of the kitchen.
The Oldest child is only six years old,
while the other is two years younger.
Two weeks ago the father, who has
position in undergrad, went to
his house and finding his wife
drunk staid only short time,
and when he left declared that
he would never return. He left q
little money with the Oldest child, and
told her to buy some food with it for
herself and sister. Since that time he
has not returned. The mother in the
| uledublIHc Decdiuc WOTSc tldH cNcls
pawning what furniture she could get
together in order to get more money
for whisky.
On several occasions she woke up
the chill lren after eleven o'clock al
night and ordered them to go to the
saloon in Blue Island avenue and GET
whisky for her. Upon their return
without the liquor she beat and pound.
ed them in most cruel manner. For
the last week she has not been sober q
day, and during all that time the chill.
dren have had to look out for them
selves, and would have starved had
not neighbors given them food.
| The court. after hearing ths evil
dence, sent her to the bridewell, and
the children were placed in the Gus
tody of Officer Dudley, of the Humane
Society. Chicago Times.
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09
THE SUNNI Err MAN.

In summer, at the mountains blue.
Where life is fair, but men are few,
He gayly sports, he has his day;
And by the sad sea wave also
he is inuCh-idmirca beau
L nth the season fades away.
He dresses in the height of style,
There's fascination III his smile.
He's nlmble in the gddy dance;
He picnics plans with ready SIX IL.
with love markings he plays at VIII,
But Is not hurt by Cupid's lance.
He wins the goodwill of mammals,
The dark suspicion OF papas
He valves away with graceful tact;
He sings love songs with tender power,
He always wears little flower,
He knows both how to speak and act
AT archery, in tennis court,
He rivals al in the gay SPORT
But paJ so that the tarest wins:
And yet, through some most subtle art,
The vanquisbed bellies TIL take mis- part
And leave him with UNPUBLISHED sins.
But summer Joys alas! are brief;
He s cut down like the tender leaf
When blushing fields grow sadly brown
MamDas and splendid girls no more
Admire him as they did of yore:
He's but dry-goods clerk in town.
And all who smiled in sweet July
In dull September pass him by;
Now he's of quite another clan;
And though he wears n faultless hat
And just as stylish cravat,
He only is ii summer man.
-SilSGn Hartley, IN Hdrper's Weekly.
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09

-Nephew-"Delighted to see you
looking so well, uncle! And pray
how is my dear good aunt and the
charming little cousins, and" Uncle
-''That'll do. that'll do-shan't lend
you any thing this time!"-N. Y. 7ele.
graps.
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09

The Providence Star, speaking Of
the effects of the new law in Rhode
Island, says: 'One set of people are
happy over the effects of prohibition,
and they are the merchants of Provi-
dence engaged in Legitimate business. "
When the drain of whisky is stopped
there is always a supply of snbstan-
tials and even Injuries for thrifty peo-
Pile. 1.-The first six days of the law
in july" says the Star, land not a
single arrest in East Providence. Such
a thing was never known before"
The Maryville times. (Maryville, Tenn.) 1884-1944, 1886-08-09

The proportion of or me traceable to
this grcatvice (intemperance) must be
set down, as heretofore, at not less
than four-fifths. Massachusetts State
Board of Charities, 1863.
, 1886-01-16

Although tattooing is confined to the
lower orders of the Japanese, round
white spots are to be seen on the skin Of
almost every native of Japan in all
ranks of life. These spots are known,
DR.. Baelz tells us, as "moxa," and they
are produced by burning the flesh in u
peculiar way, with the object of curing
some disease. The belief in the efficacy
Of moxa is universal in Japan. and the
Portuguese and S%paniards must have
adopted the same faith in its power TO
alleviate or cure deep-seated pain, for
they introduced both the treatment and
its japanese name into Europe.
This is said TO be the manner in which
moxa is practiced in Japan: In May the
leaves of the Artemisia cainensis are
powdered and dried, and the mass is cut
into small blocks or pieces. One Of
these pieces is laid on the body and set
on fire, so as to burn slowly away. At
first the operation naturally produces a
sore more or less deep, according to the
intensity Of the heat. The sore 500
heels, but there is left a scar forever.
Those who have beep subjected to this
remedy" say that it is by no means so
painful as what would be supposed in
the absence Of actual apprehension
cinnati Enquirer.
, 1886-01-16


A SPECIAL cablegram reports that Mr..
Gladstone has submitted to a caucus of
Liberal parliamentary leaders his scheme
for Irish home rule. This plan, as it is
skcrched in the cable dispatch referred to,
includes a local ministry and Legislature
for Ireland. the latter to possess powers
analogous to those OF the states in the
American union. The scheme also in
cludes a viceroy for Ireland, to be, prob
ably, it is said, the duke of Connaught,
Queen Victoria's third son, who is quite
popular among the Irish people. 1t is
probable that if this report comes from
any reputable authority in England, Mr..
Gladstone will pronounce it ''unauther-
led The shrewd old gentleman has a
sly way of permitting his alleged plans
to leak out and become the topic Of popu
lar discussion. If they are generally APP
proved he does not disclaim them; if they
are generally dlsapproved he remains in a
position to deny the whole thing. There
are very few tricks in politics to which Mr..
Gladstone is a stranger.
, 1886-01-16

SENATOR PALMER, of Michigan, it is
said. is about to write a treatise upon the
Virtues of Incidence" holding that lazy
men have the best chance Of success. He
has chosen to write on a subject with
which the world has been familiar, Ger
tainly since Publius Syrus in his maxims
said. THE rolling stone gathers no
moss, holding that had the stone re-
manned stationery it became a f~oregone
conclusion that il would have gathered
moss and presented an inviting appear
ance t all beholders. When one recog-
nizcs in Incidence that negative good quail
ity the possession of which excludes the
actual commission Of crime, then Senator
Palmer's treatise will come under the
head of a highway through which his
readers will see the road that leads to a
Utopia, inhabited by the quietly virtu-
ms
, 1886-01-16

We have no sufficient ground TO on
denim the use of stimulant narcotics.
Certain forms Of indulgence we may
properly condemn; excess we must al
ways condemn and deplore; but, setting
these aside, we have this use, estab-
lished the world over, various in form,
similar in general tendencies and effects;
and these effects and tendencies are not,
10 the best of our knowledge, inimical
TO the welfare of man. In no case can
we have a right to say of tobacco, or of
any other vegetable product supplied in
great natural abundance; this thing is
without its right use in the world
Nineteenth Century.
, 1886-01-16

The Old recipe OF "a hair of the dog that
bit you" was almost literally realized In n
prescription for tho cure Of ~hydrophobia
much In vogue with the "Pasteurs" of the
fifteenth century: Take a mastiff pup OF a
month old, and stuff the same with cloves,
cinnamon, and divers other spices, anil there
after boil the carcass entire, the which,
taken warm from the pot and laid unto tho
part that haiti been bitten, viii, without
doubt, do much goodn-which, somehow or
other, II did not
A more primitive but more successful
method was employed within the memory Of
living mon In a remote part OF Ireland. the
patient being the eldest son Of the family, a
fine lad Of 10. His recovery appearing hope
less from the strong symptoms OF hydro
phobih which he exhibited, the doctors de
cided upon bleeding him TO death rs the only
alternative 10 tho barbnrous plan OF smother
ing under n feather bed, which WINS then
common. A vein was opened and be was
locked into an outhouse and left 10 die. But
toward evening the milkmaid OF the house
hold, passing near the spot with her pail,
was amazed to hear the sufferers voice
family asking for something 10 drink T"
Overjoyed at this unmistakable sign OF re-
covcry, she lost no time in s~ummoning as
s~istanoe, and the young mans life was saved,
the physicians ascribing his extraordinary
escape 10 the carrying of OF the poison by
the copious dow OF blood-New York Times
Pyramid lake in Nevada has fallen eight
feet and Mud lake has risen twsnty feet IN
the mast year
, 1886-01-16

The parent ofinsomnia or ~wakefulness
is in nine cases out Of ten a dyspeptic
stomach. Good digestion gives sound
sleep, Indigestion interferes with it. The
brain and stomach sympathize. One of
the prominent symptoms of a weak state
of the gastric organs is a disturbance of
the great nerve eutrepot, the brain. In
vigonte the stomach and you restore
equilibrium to the great center. A most
reliable medicine for the purpose is Hostel
ter's Stomach Bitters, which is far prefer
able To mineral sedatiyes and powerful
narcotics, which, though they may for a
time exert a soporido influence upon the
brain, soon a to act, and invariably
injure the tone Of the stomach. The bit
tens, on the contrary, restore activity 10
the operations OF that all importantorgan,
and their bensicicnt influence is reflected
in sound sleep and a tranquil state of the
nervous system. A wholesome impetus
is likewise given 10 the action OF the
liver and bowels by its use.
, 1886-01-16

The great pulsing heart of humanity
ever longs for new ways to spend
money. 1t is only when he is spending
money in a way that can not possibly
do any good that man in his corporate
capacity is entirely happy. Thousands
of lives have been lost, and tens of mil
lions of dollars spent, in the vain at
tempt TO find the north pole. The
finder wouldn't have known what to do
with it if he had got it; but that makes
no difference with the tremulous
anxiety concerning it which runs from
age to age. Now an expedition is be
ing organized TO goto Egypt and verify,
or at least test, Smiths measurements
of the monument of Cheops, especially
at hat inner chamber whose miracu-
lous proportions are said to prove that
the ancients knew everything which
men know to-day-except, perhaps,
how to talk to a telephone when it
won't work.
What great benefit is to be derived
from the expedition does not appear.
Who cares whether Smith wa correct
or mistaken? Who cares whether the
the first of the Pharoahs knew just ex-
actly how much the earth measured
around its waistband, or how much it
wobbled on its axis? However, $500, 900
burns in somebody's pocket, and itmust
be spent. Afterwards let some enter
prising tramp organize an expedi-
ton to measure the depth of the great
crater of Manua Loa. Nobody knows
at present, and Manua Loa offers a fair
target for the lunatic explorer. If some
body would climb down OF n rope, he
might add to the sum of terrestrial in
formation, and get elected an honorary
member of those geographical societies
which are now bending all their ener-
gies to the collection Of useless knowl-
edge.-Frank Leslie's Illustrated.
, 1886-01-16

Grandma" said a FIVE year old,
your n cross old patch. Grandma
looked as If she would bite the boys head
of for this, and so the boy lodged her,
and got out of the way. IL was thought
that grandma case was n of dyspepsia,
total and long continued. For even such
tough old cases Browns Iron Bitters
works wonders. Mr., |. l. Cavlns. Din
widdie, Va, writes: Browns Iron Bitter
made me well Of spinal disease and dys-
pepsia Of twenty years standing.
, 1886-01-16

Certain newspapers, misled by a specious
aud fallacions appearance of interference
with the exercise of religion, which SEN
ator Edmunds' bill presents on its face,
argue that the bill is unconstitutional,
and that, no matter how obnoxious the
Mormons may be, unconstitutional meth
DDS of persecution should not be adopted.
Precisely SO; but in the first place the
anti Mormon bill is not passed as a parti-
san or a d%emagogue's measure. Two
different judiciary committees Of the sem
ate have reported bills nearly alike in their
provisions, and cash bill has received the
support Of nearly every intelligent senator.
Prima facie this should be sufficient rea-
son for believing the bill to be sound in
law and principle; but the obiectors to the
bill mistake its purport.
The Mormon church is organized as a
corporation, whose charter it will be ad-
mitted congress has the right to annul.
1t has already done so with that part of
the charter relating to marriage and poly
gamy; and the supreme court has decided
that the act war constitutional. Now, so
far as the Mormon church is concerned
and this is the only disputed point-the
E1munds bill only touches the temporal
concerns and temporal operations of a
corporation which exists by s~ufferance of
the United States, 80 far as these opera
tons may be devoted to the practice of a
crime.
This interference with the temporal
concerns of the church is sweeping. 1t
includes suits to escheat Mormon prop
erty acquired in contravention of the laws
Of the United States to the common
schools of the territory; to wind up the
Emigrating Fund company, the minor cor
poration of the church which imports re-
%cruits, and the president is to appoint
fourteen trustees for managing the bust
ness of the Mormon church corporation
in connection with the thirteen existing
trustees, but in no way interfering with
the practice or exercise of the Mormon
religion. The other provisions of the bill
relate to criminal law and are in them
selves restrictive of polygamous practices;
but If the Edmunds bill passes the house,
as it ought, the Mormon church may re-
main, put polygamY in Utah will he
wiped out. The fight of the people of
the United States is against p~olygamy,
not against the Mormon religion.
, 1886-01-16
Ru.sla,s Work IN Central Asia.

ANah3hA WONA IN CtbNEAA hhAh-
The time was when the River Oxtis
poured its waters into the Caspian sea,
and the country through which it ran
was among the garden spots of the
world, but one Of the great Tartar
conquerers for strategic reasons arti-
ficially changed the bed Of the river 80
that its fertilizing waters were diverted
into the Sea of Aral. The change
proved an unmixed curse to the region
from which the Oxus was cut off. In
stead Of n fruitful garden it became II
desolate wilderness. 1t is now proposed
by the Russian government to turn back
the Oxus 10 its old channel, and thus re-
store the desert to its pristine fertility
and productiveness. As an engineering
feat this is quite practicable, but the
Russian engineers fear that the waters
of the 0xus may be lost in the sandy
wastes before it reaches the shores Of
the gruat sea.
Another enterprise is intended to make
use of the river Tejend which empties
into the Lake Junghul as a means Of
fertilizing another vast tract of the
desert OF central Asia. In the olden
time this country was full OF reservoirs
of water which irrigated the land far
and wide. For over 1000 years they
have been allowed to go into decay, and
in regions where tens Of thousands of
people lived in comfort it does not to-
day afford subsistence but for a few
wandering nomads. Should these two
improvements be made-that is, should
the Oxus be restored to its old channel
and the reservoirs fed by the river,
Tejend and Lake Junghul be econ
structed, the whole country between the
Caspian sea and Afghanistan will be
wrested and be a desert no more How
ever the nations of Europe may dread
and belle Russia, Americans at least a
give that power the credit for what it is
doing in partially civilizing the nomad
tribes of central Asia and in retaining
such vast areas of desert for human
usps-Demorest's Monthly.
, 1886-01-16
WILD CHERRY AND TAR.

Everybody knows the virtues Of Wild
Cherry and Tar rs a relief and cure for
any affections of the throat and lungs,
combined with these two ingredients are a
few simple healing remedies in the com.
position Of DIR. Bosanko's Cough and
luag Syrup, making it just the article
you should always have in the house for
coughs. colds, Group and bronchitis. Price
so cents and sl.00 Samples free. Sold
by W. N. Hunt
, 1886-01-16

The Dakota bill now before congress
proposes to admit the southern portion
of the territory into the Union as the
state of Dakota, aud to organize the
northern portion into the territory of
Lincoln. Lincoln would be a good name
for a territory, and in this case it would
not be many years before it would become
the state of Lincoln, and no state could
have a better name than that
, 1886-01-16
TT c.
Skin Diseases Instantly Relieved
by Cuticura.

TlEATMENT.-A warm bath with CHti-
1cura Soap, and a single application
Of Cuticura, the great skin Cure.
doses Of Cuticrra ResOlvent, the new Blood Pu-
riier, to keep the blood cool. the perspiration
pure and unlrritating, the bowels open, the liy-
ma, letter, rngwOrm, psoriasis. lichen. pruri-
tus, scall- head. dandrun and every species OF
and skin. when the best physicians aud RENE
dies fail.
, 1886-01-16

An OLD and successful merchant, who
knows what he is talking about, illustrates
a fact thuswise: Trying to do business
without advertising is like winking at a
pretty girl through a pair Of green Cog
giles. You may know what you are do
ing, but nobody else does"
, 1886-01-16

Your most valuable Cuticura Remedies have
done my child so much good. that feel like
saying this for the Denent OF those who are
trcnblcd with skin disease. My little girl was
troubled with eczema. and 1 tried several phys
iclans and remedies, but did not do her any good
until | used the Cutlcura Remedies. which
speedily cured her, and for which / owe you
nan thanks and many nights Of rest.
ANTON ROAsNIER. Edinhun. Ind
, 1886-01-16

A company was recently heard in
Milan. who produced Norma every
vocal part being whistled, that of the
venerable Oroveso by a girl of IS. since
no man showed himself capable OF over
coming the difficulties Of the part
Harper's Bazaar.
, 1886-01-16

THE London Daily N1os prints a
poem, the refrain of which is; The
MuRwump Doesn't Vote" What is the
matter with the English Mugwump2 Has
he omitted paying his poll tax2
, 1886-01-16

| was almost perfectly bald, caused by letter
ofthe top Of the scalp ! used your Cuticura
Remedies about six weeks, and they cured my
scalp perfectly. and now my hair Is coming
back as thick as II ever was.
j. p. CHoIcE, Whltesboro. Tex.
, 1886-01-16
COVERED wITm RLOrCmEs.

l want TO tell you that your Cniicura Resoly-
ent Is magnificent. About three months ago
my face was covered with blotehes. and affer
using three bottles OF Resolyrnt. / was perfectly
cured. FREDERICK MATTRE
q ST. Charles street. New Orleans. La.