Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-10-08
ayIarried Mans Indicator"

The latest genius VINO mas appieu lot
a patent, says the Washington corre-
spondent of the st. Paul Dispatch, is the
man who has invented what is known as
"The Married Mans Indicator" 1t is "a
wonderful, sensitive arrangement ofthe
ordinary thermometer ia convenient
pocket size, and is graded TO scale Of
cabalistic marks, which show the exact
state of the domestic atmosphere at any
hour of the night. The hard-worked
and belated husband arrives home, say
about midnight. He takes out the indi-
Gator, thrusts ii in the key-hole, and
lets IL remain there a few seconds. Pull
ing it out quickly, he scans the dial by
the moonlighI's fiiful cleaning. IL it
marks as. A" (sound asleep, the poor
husband pulls of his boots noiselessly;
uses his night.key with bated breath;
gives the. door quick pull 10 keep It
from creaking; steals trembling to bed,
and when his dear wife wakes up about
two seconds afterward and wants to
know how long lie has been home, he is
sound asleep. Ii the indicator scores
"a. A. C.. B. ID. h. W. I. |. IL awake,
awful cross, but don't know what time
it is), the husband puts few more
grains of coffee in his mouth, opens the
door boldly and walks i'm with slam
bang air, hits his boots Intentionally
against chair, wants to know why the
devil chairs don't keep out Of his way,
gets desperately mad on general princl'
Piles, scares his wife clean out of her
crossness and curtain lectures, refuses
to let her get up and strike a match
never did like light at night anyhow
remarks grufiiy in response TO timid
query, that 'it's about twenty minutes
after ten," and then turns into bed
with such an apparent awful state OF
mind that the wife of his bosom Is afraid
to speak to him, at which he Is very
sad, Of course.
There are other marks on the indica-
tor showing just where it will do to
play the '1odge dodge" or the "sick
friend" or "been standing on the cor
ner talking TO so-and-so for more than
an hour" or General or Honorable
this or that from you know where, was
in town, and had to go away on the two
O'Clock train, and he insisted so strong
ly that the whole party stayed up to see
him off, although he was a great bore,
and we did it only through courtesy
But the most awful of all the cabalistic
signs on the dial is the one at the top,
about two marks above the boiling
point.
When the weary husband comes home
about four o'clock a. m, from the dir
ection of the butcher-shop, with roll
OF meat held high In the air so that ev-
cry one he passes can not fail to see 1t,
and sticks the indicator in the key-hole,
he is almost too weak to draw 1t out.
With hair Oh end lie reads 1t by the
faint light streaming in upon him from
over the eastern hills, and sweat breaks
out on his noble brow as large as wal.
nuts, as he sees the bulb of the indica-
tor jammed smack up against "R. ii. 5.
w. +. Y. /. Il. D." (red-hot, still wait
ing for you inside the door. The In
ventor of the instrument says that when
a man has this terrible misfortune to
overtake him, he feels that there Is moth
ing left in life worth living for.
He slings the meat out into the yard
and braces himself for the coming fray,
but says nothing, for nothing can be
said. Be he ever SO gifted liar, his ac-
conplishment is no more than value
less. No lodge, no sick friend, no talk
ing OH the corner, no sitting up TO see
the General off, no swearing that he
will never do 1t again-in fact nothing
will prevail. 1t is an indefensible case.
He is caught. Even the ghastly gay
ETY. with which two hours, previous he
had said to the boys he guessed he
would see it out, "might as well be kill
ed for a sheep as lamb" had all van
ished. The indicator having told him
the exact state OF things, he knows ex.
actly what to do, and that Is nothing
but get in bed ut once and wrap the
drapery of his couch about him, pull
che pillow over his ears, and wait for
his wifc's breath to give out. It's awful
while it lasts, but 1t has had its use in
relieving the husband Of his great load
Of anxiety. The indicator Is great In
vention. Col. Montgomery will allow