davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
Tns DEADLY UMBRELLA.

Nesd OF . School Where Women May
Learn to Garry Il Properly.
Awoman in Boston wants to establish
school to teach women art, and to that
end she is writing letters to the newspa-
pers calling on the people to subscribe
money al once. Without wishing to be
considered as antagonistic to the intel
lectual advancement of women, we
must boldly announce that We can not
give the scheme our support, for the
reason that there are . great many things
that woman stands moro in need of
knowing than how to paint long-legged
butterflies on window shades and yellow
crockery. If an effort is made to found
school for the purpose of teaching the
softer sex how to carry an umbrella on
the street, we will remove the surcingle
which encircies our plethoric pocket
book and deposit fifty cents in the con-
tributiOn box without betraying single
tremor of excitement.
A woman wants to know this. Ever
since the umbrella was invented she has
filled the soul of man with terror every
time she appeared on crowded thor
oughfare with one of the dangerous
weapons in her hands. She holds an
umbrella directly in front of her, and
charges a crowd with the cool daring of
a Richard CGur de Lion, and when she
dashes through it her wake is strewn
with crumpled hats, dismantled ears and
punctured eyes. Never has she been
known to turn her umbrella either to
one side or the other in order to afford
some unfortunate head an opportunity
to dodge it. but on the contrary. it
points straight ahead like a couched
lance, hurls everything to the ground
that blocks its way, and the hospital
wagon follows after it and picks up the
wounded.
A training school in which women are
taught how to steer an umbrella along
a sidewalk would be great blessing to
this country, and the fruits of its teach
ing would be shown by the rapid de-
crease of the number of one-eyed men
and the gradual decline of the trade in
glass optics and celluloid ears.
The Government has in the interest of
established commissions to
discover and stamp out the germs of
pestilential disease, and now it should
come forward and do something to help
the people escape the fangs of the
deadly Bingham umbrella. There is no
good reason Why it should not take a
lively interest in this matter and estab-
lish National training school for women
and teach them to handle the parasol or
not as an engine of war, but
as protection against the elements.
If the scheme is properly laid before
Congress an appropriation will surely
be secured, for the reason that the Gov
eminent can not afford to grant the
people protection against danger in one
form and refuse it in another. If Con-
gress sees fit, the scope of the National
Training School for Women can be ex-
tended to teach the future mothers of
the Republic how to place a patch on
the ground floor of a pair of breeches so
that it will not look as if it was the
of a timer and had been
spread on with soldering iron. We
do not want any more art schools.
There are already too many of them.
What We need is a training school. and
we are willing to increase our original
to dollar right now.-N.
q. States.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
RELIGIOUS AND eDUAcAT,oNAl,

BY the agency Of the '.Free and
Open Church Association" forty-six
churches Of the English establishment
were during the year 1885 made free.
1t is related of popular clergyman
u at he startled dull prayer-meeting
recently by announcing that he ''didn't
propose to act ~ umpire for . sleeping
match!'-Chicago Tribune.
Tho deposits of the French school
savings banks last year were II, 9S4. 268
francs, against 6, 403, rs francs in 1880.
The number Of depositing pupils Lass
year was 491. 16O.
There are twenty Lutheran churches
with four missions; eighteen Re-
formed DUTCH, with nine missions;
five Congregational, with four missions;
and six Union churches. with nine mis-
sions. in this CITY,. Y. Christian AZ
Work.
Two thousand dollars have been
given to Princeton College, the interest
Of which will be annually paid to .
member of the junior class whose father
was missionary and who himself ex-
poets to become . missi0nary.-M. T.
Tribune.
The lady student in the Yale law
school was appointed to make an argu-
ment in moot court recently. A large
audience was attracted, and she sus-
tanned her part with q high degree of
credit. She is described as very
wOmanly and handsome.
AT the recent session of the Meth
odist Episcopal Conference at Rich
mond, Va, the committee on revisalre-
ported that attending the opera and
circus is contrary to the general rules
of the church, and can be dealt with
under the law as it now stands.
The annual meeting of the American
Bible Society was held in New York re-
Gently. The receipts of the year were
S523, $40; expenses, $499,998. There
had been 1 ,437, 44O Bibles. Testaments,
etc., issued, of which 5S4,6O3 went to
foreign lands.-N Y. Mail.
The financial condition of the Irish
Church is becoming seriously affected
by the unsettled state of the country.
The income of the year 1885 is the low
est recorded since the church was dis
euC ~ A"AA-
ing off of 100000 from those of the
previous year.
The Presbytery of the Indian Ter
ritory reports for the past year an in
crease of twenty-four per cent. in
churches, thirtv-three per cent. in
church membership, sixty-two per cent
Sunday school membership, and twen-
ty-five per cent. in the total amount of
contributions. Avery satisfactory show
ing, indeed. The present openings for
promising church and school work far
exceed the means at command to Oc-
cupy.
Preacher Moody, while in Chicago
recently, said to a newspaper caller:
IL don't like to be interviewed. A talk
with a reporter makes me feel like
fool. Why? Why, you always make
me talk about mysel-that, and nothing
else-and I'd rather talk on any other
subject" So he branched off in talk
about the black people. He says that
one million colored people in the South
can read. write and speak intelligently
of citizenship.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
ALL IN VANITY.

ne whietled an open air.
As those who can whistle viii dos
They said, with a sarcastic stare:
''Why can't you invent something newf
He told them joke that he read,
But soon he his folly did rue;
They simply looked tired and said:
"Why can't you invent something newf
re sang them popular song:
His voice was eQualed by few:
Their faces told something Was wrong:
They told him to sing something new.
He made q remark that was bright,
But instantly weary they grew;
And one of them said, in his fight:
"Why can't you invent something newT
The strain on his poor frightened wits
To something quite horrible grew;
Now in an asylum he sits,
And tries tOinvent something new!
-Tid-Bits.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
USEFUL AND SUGGESTIVE.


do not forget that changing seed
. often attended with excellent results.
Remember that the manure ques-
hon is the most important one connect
I'd with agriculture or horticulture.
"A lightning rod which does not 60
down into the ground far enough to
reach perpetual moisture is worse than
40 rod at all.-N. Y. Telegram.
The hens are paying rent on many
a WORKOUT farm. They are calling peO-
pie back from the factories to the de-
serted farm houses.-Erchange.
Lard and sulphur, or any mixture
Of grease and sulphur, says Fanny Field
in the Prairie Farmer, should never be
put on young chickens or turkeys.
1t will not be many years until
American breeders will be exporting
draft horses for breeding purposes to
every part of the world. They will
have . class to offer, too. that they need
not be ashamed of.-Troy Times.
"A farmer who has tried steamed rye
says it is the best of all grains for fatten-
ing hogs. In forty days he says he can
make hog as fat as may be desired on
such food, while one that is thrifty can
be finished with about five or six BUSH
els of the food. Western Rural.
When trees are transplanted fine
and rich earth ought to be got in among
the roots 80 that there will be no open
spaces left. If the ground is dry little
water is good to get the roots and earth
to adhere, and then cover with dry
earth and press down compactly.-
Cleveland Leader.
"A correspondent of the Ohio Farmer
recommends half a pint of common
table salt for bloat in cattle. Put a
round stick in the cows mouth, throw
the salt as far down the throat as you
can, and she will swallow it. This
farmer says he has cured several cases
of clOver-bloat in short time in this
manner.
The Journal of Decorative Art says:
We have it on the testimony of relia-
BILE man that buttermilk mixed with fine
sand and applied to new woodwork out
side will stand for many years, and
gives the most complete imitation of
stone it is possible to get. and with it
absolute preservation of The timber.
Nut cake: Two-thirds cup of but
ter, two cups sugar, one cup sweet
milk, three eggs, three cups flour. three
teaspoons baking powder, one cup nuts,
English walnuts are best; bake in shall
low tins about two inches thick; cut in
squares. frost, and put walnut meat
on each piece. E. Farmer.
Chicken Patties: Chop very fine
the dry, poorest bits left from baked
chickens; season carefully with pepper,
salt and little chopped celery. Make a
light puff-paste, roll a quarter of an
inch thick, cut with a neatly shaped
paste cutter; lay narrow strip of paste
all around; then put some of the mince
OH the paste; cut another piece of the
same size and lay over. Boil fifteen
minutes. Globe.
Apple Pie: Peel and quarter your
apples; boil in little water till almost
done, then add sugar and boil till soft.
Remove and mash; line pan with an
under crust, fill with the stewed apples
and bake. Beat the whites of two eggs
to stiff froth with one teaspoon powdered
sugar, and flavor with a few drops of
extract of nutmeg; spread over top Of
pie and brown lightly.-7he Caterer.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
FARM SCALES.
One OF the Most Profitable Investments
that . Farmer Can Make.

One Of the Most Profitable Investments
that . Farmer Can Make.
Farm scales can not be classed with
labor-saving implements, neither do
they yield much of a direct income to
the farm. yet we hold that the general
farmer should not be without set Of
good scales on his farm, capable Of
weighing with exactness, from pound
up to four or six tons. Rightly appreci-
ated and used, they will prove most
profitable investment.
One great and grave fault of farmers
in the management of their farms, is
lack of exactness about their work. and
knowing the exact results produced.
Every thing is done by guess. He wants
to put in ten acres of corn and the field
is perhaps stepped of. but more likely
guessed" at. He plows by guess, and
instead of blowing eight inches deep, as
he intended, measurement shows it to
be only five. And so on all through the
season. When harvested. he ''reckons'
that he has five hundred bushels of corn
from his ten acres, when an exact meas
urement would show that he had but
four hundred. and thus it goes, some
times over-estimating and sometimes
Understanding. the work is carried
on in a hap-hazard way, never knowing
just how much of any crop is produced,
feeding without knowing how much is
needed daily, or for the season, or how
much feed is available, and finally often
selling by the lump to avoid paying
weighing fees and sometimes losing
enough in one sale to pay the cost of q
set of scales.
Every farm of one hundred and sixty
acres should be provided with a good
set of scales. These should be put in
the barn if there is one, or where they
will be handy to use for stock and so
that loads of hay and grain can be
driven upon them. Having thus pro-
vided the scales they should be used
and in a systematic way. There should
be q weigh-book kept in the box and
each weighing entered and dated, and
at intervals these be transferred to rec
ords to be kept.
At no season of the year need the
scales be unused. In the. spring when
the stock is turned out to pasture all
should be weighed, and as often as once
q month through the season. BY this
means the owner knows just what his
stock is doing. As the different crops
are harvested. weigh enough of them to
know Just how much is raised. When
winter feeding begins feed by weight
and weigh the stock frequently so as to
know what is being gained or lost.
Knowing the weight of animals that
are for sale the seller can tell when to
sell and what offers to accept. Many a
tricky stock buyer depends largely for
profits on being better ''guesser" than
the average farmer, and being in con-
slant practice it is not strange that he
is.-COln0n's Rural World.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
A Calcimine Recipe.

For plain white, use one pound white
glue and twenty pounds English whit
ing. Dissolve the glue by boiling in
about three pints of water. Dissolve
the whiting in hot water, making the
consistency of thick batter, then add the
glue and one cup Of soft soap. Dissolve
. piece of alum the size of hens egg,
add, and mix the whole thoroughly, let
ting it cool before using. II too thick
to spread nicely, add more water, until
it spreads easily. For blue tint, add
five cents worth of Prussian blue. and
to this q little Venetian red for lavender.
For peach blow, use red in white alone.
The above quantity will cover four
ceilings sixteen feet square with two
coats.-C0r. Prairie Farmer.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
A PlOUS FRAUD.

How Two Diplomats Succeeded In Tying
an EGectual Nuptial Knot.
Twas once an attache at our legation
at Frankfort in the days of the old Ger
man Diet. Our main business used to
be to celebrate marriages. A religious
ceremony was optional; if the bride and
bridegroom did not demand this, the
process was summary. They had each
to sign and swear to a declaration that
there was no cause why they should not
be married, and to pay sovereign,
which was transmitted to the Bishop OF
London, in whose diocese all our for
eign Legations were supposed to be.
One day was sitting in the chancery
when an aged Englishman entered. Il
want" he said, ''you to marry my
daughter" At first l understood that
he wished ME to be the bridegroom. but
he explained that l was only to be the
celebrant, and that she was to marry a
F",nchman. ''He is q scoundrel." he
observed. "Then why" l asked, "let
him marry your daughterP" He has,
alas!' he replied, ''gained her affec-
tons; and if he does not marry her he
will run away with her." 81 suppose
that you are rich?" Isaid. 81 am more
than rich, he replied; Il have an in.
fallible system at roulette. This is my
daughters dowry; and it b to learn the
system that the Frenchman marries
her." .'Well." 1 said. .'come with the
pair tomorrow morning, and we will
marry them" The next day they ap-
peared and were married. The girl was
q pretty blonde, but the man was not
precisely an individual to whom wise
father would either have entrusted his
ducats or his daughter.
After the ceremony the happy pair
went to Wisebaden, and the French.
men-nOw the pOssessOr of bride and
asystem-commenced oplay the latter.
1t was an absurd one-a sort of progress.
board; but the curious thing about it
was that he always won, and actually
made several hundred francs by it.
A few days after l was explaining all
this to French Secretary of Legation.
He startled me by the observation that
while the English girl was the wife Of
the Frenchman. the Frenchman was
not the husband of the English woman.
If we told him this was afraid that he
would leave the bride, who would re-
main in the singular position of being q
wife without husband. So we agreed
that the French secretary should send
for the bridegroom and practice pious
fraud. He explained to him that while
he was really married, he had violated
the law by getting married before full
filling the legal obligations. and that
for this he was liable to punishment
The only way, he added, to get out Of
the mess was for him to be married
again at the French legation. Luckily.
the man knew nothing about law. 50
the knot was at last effectuallY tied
round his neck.-Labomchere, in London
Truth.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
WIT AND WISDOM.

Generosity is the heir-apparent Of
greatness; penuriOusness the attribute
Of dwarfed soul.
1t may be suspected that the man
who invariably fails to recognize merit
has precious little of it himself. Arkan-
sao Traveller.
Learning knows the theory of
wisdom the means of
saving it. This is the difference be-
tween learning and wisdom.
When a young man concludes that
he is really of no account in this world
do not care how soon he commences
to part his hair in the middle.-C Chicago
Ledger.
-'Where can l obtain some cat
hils?" asks local correspondent II
you will call around in the rear of the
Free Press building any night at about
11:35 p. m, with a shotgun and dark
lantern. we can put You on the trail Of
several.-Burlington Free Press.
The best way to clean o chrome.
Ethel. is to lay it to soak in turpentine
over night, and then hang it before an
open fire to dry. Hang it close, Ethel,
hang it close. Push one corner under
the CRATE couple of UNDERSTANDABLE.
Some men spend lifetime in pre-
pairing for work which they never &C
complish. There is very little difference
between that and idleness, unless the
project happens to be grand enough to
induce some one else to complete it.
Philadelphia Call.
Mrs. Spiggott-O, Mr.. Brilliant!
can you give me some epitaph for poor,
dear FidOp Grace (sotto voce)-Char-
lev. it died of fits. Charley Brilliant,
'85-Ah! '.After LIES fitful fever he
sleeps WELL" How will that do? (And
yet that boy lost his degree. )-Harrard
Lampoon.
Editor (anxiously)-"Well, doctor,
what is the matter with me? Nothing
serious, 1 hope!" Doctor-'H'm, well.
you are in a bad way. Your circulation
is very low" Editor (excitedly)-
What? Why, sir, 1 have at least 20O,-
600 q day. You have been reading .
rival sheet, sir. "-Philadelphia Call.
Tramp: Well. mum, have you got
any more o. them buckwheat cakes to-
day? Mrs. COldcash: There's some
cold ones, but / am afraid you will find
them rather indigestible. Tramp: Oh,
] don't expect to eat them. Mrs. c.:
Don't expect to eat them. Tramp: Nom.
You see my dartcr has took to painting,
an she finds 'em VERY convenient to
use for placques!-Prairse Farmer.
Yes, sir" said pompous ignora-
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
A PrineeIy California Estate.

The late James Irvine left to his only
son, among other property, 10000
acres of land in one body in Los Angeles
County. This large domain Mr.. Irvine
bought jointly with another man in
1857, paying at the rate of 373 cents
per acre. In 1875 Mr.. Irvine bought
out his partner for $3.50. 600. He has
since been offered d, OOO, 900 cash for
the property. There is valley of co.
600 acres in the the tract worth 500 an
acre or q, 600, 900 for the valley. Some
small farms have been carved from this
portion and sold at this figure. On the
tract is q coal mine which is yielding an
unfailing supply of coal of good quality
for locomotive purposes, and is under
lease to representatives of the Southern
Pacific Company. There are between
so, 900 and 10000 sheep and several
thousand cattle upon this land. The
actual cash value of the whole land is
about q, 600, OO0.-M r. Sun.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18

hominy and fried bacon. He was work.
ing in the cotton-field when he heard
the monotonous tramp Ut horses feet
He looked up. There was the very
man he wanted to see. ParsOn Lana
rus, horseback, with q green cotton um-
brella over his head.
ssGood mornin', June"
GOOD mornin'. Brer Lazarus.
SLOWS yo crop, June?"
sony tollable, Ony tOllable.
You'se jokin'. l isn't saw SIGH . fine
crop anywhere in de naborhoOd. YOu's
lucky, June. hopes you tank de Laud
TO hit"
81 allus does. sab. Is You in er hurry.
Brer Lazurus?"
..Not 'tickly, June. Why!'
else got some mighty good butter
milk at the house. Won't you light
an have a CLASP"
Brer Lazarus made no reply in words,
but dismounted, tied his horse, and to-
gether they proceeded to the house. A
quart glass, the pride of its owner. was
brought out filed with delicious butter
milk. Brer Lazarus slipped the creamy
beverage, and looking cautiously around
said:
.June, you has a pretty place here.
nice house, good farm, an on dat pears
like you orter have q woman here, too.
nah?''
Here was the very opportunity June
was looking for, and he fastened to
avail himself of it.
Il was tinkin' dat very way myself,
sab, an eff Miss Leah would Only"
"What Miss Leah am dat, June?" said
he innocently.
'.Why yo; Miss Leah, Brer Lazarus.
Kin l heve her?'
Pears like done heerd dar was a
mougage on dis yer place, june" re-
piled the parson evasively.
mo, sab. no, sab, no mougage tall.
sab. Towns de hull place free of every
BODY, an eff you gives me Miss Leah
she'll heve q home at II be proud oh
her"
Use er man OBJ property, June. an
Leah is my on'y chillin'. She'll git hit
all spects. Has you done spoke to
her, June?"
Il hes, Brer Lazarus, but she won't
say. Oh! Brer Lazarus, eff you'll only
fix hit up and make her marry me I'll
be awful obleeged to you," said the
poor lover eagerly.
The parson hesitated.
"Ans," June continued, '.it you will,
I'll give you 800 in silver to marry us,
an dat spotted heifer you wus' mirin'
luther day."
Oats a right peert hcifer, June"
said the parson thOughtfully, ''an' I'll
see erbout hit, June-we'n see erbout
hit"
Brer Lazarus turned his glass upside
down. June took the hint and refilled
it. Brer Lazarus slipped it slowly,
stroking his chin at intervals in self
absorption. At las. he broke the silence:
June, likes you; you is good pint
blank man, an under all de sarcum-
stances you shill have Leah. Now, I'll
tell you how is gwineter fix hit. Mex
week I'll give westible (festivaD.
Wen hab all sorts of games an fun, an
when we is all seated at de supper table
I'll 'nounce you an Leah as to be
married soon, with my consent and her
maw's. An June, look here, boy, dat
westible am gwineter to cost sOmefin,
SO I'll take the $40 now; slider de ting
done settled, SO you highest well sen
de heifer 'roun termorrer."
Brer Lazarus rode home in good
humor, leaving June grinning with de-
light.
That same afternoon Brer Lazarus.
after much intellectual labor, evolved
the following invitation:
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
Had Been There Before.

Young Pastor-Herc Is . CALL my
dear, to Prodgerville, New Jersey. ]
hear it is beautiful place.
Young Wife-I am SO glad, Charles.
1.-The salary is very fair. One thou
sand a year, the parsonage and two do
nation parties q year. What do you
think of that?''
Il think, Charles, that You had better
let them make it eight hundred year
and no; donation parties. "-Pailatlel.
phid Call.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18
4 Bit Of French Humor.

The Archaeological Society Of Haute-
Gascogne holds its annual meeting.
The society has offered q prize to the
members who had discovered during
the year the most rare and ancient Gu
riosity.
Gentlemen" said one of the COM
petitors for the prize. this rusty blade
Of iron which have the honor of offer
ing to you is none other than the sword
Of Damocles?'
Amusement and confusion among the
members. But Immediately another
voice cried ont in the midst of the COM
motion:
"And l. gentlemen, have found tho
horse-nair by which it was suspendedr:.
The meeting adjourned sine die-L4
Figaro.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1886-06-18

An Austrian court recently pub
lished q curious list of twentyseven
persons whose whereabouts ''are I'M
known" and for whom it appointed q
guardian. The list included twelve
Counts, four Countesses, three Barons
and three Baronesses Of well-known
Austrian families, and some army Of
ficers in active service, whose where
abouts the court alleges it does not
know.