The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1886-07-21
WIT AND HUMoR.


Boston Record
Some one in England has put the
Salvation Army into novel. This
must be an agreeable change for the
army. Heretofore the rule seems to
have been to put it into station-house.
--Norristotcn Herald.
Wife Cooking over the paper)-"I
see that Cotopaxi Is experiencing some
internal disorders Husband Gndifer-
ently)-s'Fm glad of il. Now that we
have American opera We are perfectly
independent of those foreign artists. -
Pack,
Afamily dialogue: Paterfamilias-"M
boy, shall have to punish you for
breaking this vase Sister Nell-"He
didn't break il. papa Patcrfamilias-
"iow do YOU know?' Sister Nell (tri-
umphantly) ii saw him didn 'tv'- B0s-
ton Record.
Twelve lawyers stood at the windows
IN the Circuit Court room recently
watching a sparrow-hawk plueking the
feathers from sparrow which he had
captured for his breakfast. The scene
was very interesting 10 the attorneys.
HarSau (Fa.) Hcratd
The Squire-'.Have you engaged your
new eurate vet. Mrs Whippynham?'
The rectoress its rather difficult
You see, Maud and Ethel insist on his
being a good lawn-,ennis PLAYER. and
they won't stand what they call duff
fer london Punch
Mrs. Dusenbury %. dear. I'm so
worried about my eafsup. MIR Dusen-
berry What the matter with it9 Can't
give II away?' No. | can't keep il
from working. DO vou know of anv
way to stop it?'' a very easy one. my
dear. just send it to congress. - -Ehiid-
0eiphia can
Charles Eebert Craddock remarks in
a recent work that "A star of abnormal
glister might palpitate with some fine
supernal thrill of dawn Is it possible
that = residence in the suburbs of St
Louis has affected Charles Egbcrt Grad
doG-S's style? Down there they call the
sort of thing quoted eloquent writing
Chicago Tribune,
There is a good deal of religion in
nature, solemnly remarked Young Ab-
erdeen clergyman calling upon lady
Of his congregation recently There
Is. was the quiet reply. I'VE should
never forget that there IS a sermon in
every blade OF grass. Quite true. Ne
should also remember that grass is cut
very short some times.
4 citizen stepped into an up town
drugstore and called for couple OF
pills which he swallowed. How much9'
he asked. Fifty cents. sir. Fifty
cents. Why. the druggist n the block
below never charged me more than
five. Then I'll make 'em four. III
drive that man out of business if / have
TO sell goods at cost. "-Harper'S Bazar.
Never do ANYTHING hastily. \ man
at Atlanta. Ga, after the prohibition
triumph in that city sent clear to New
ark, \. j., and paid $50 for mad dog
before learning that whisky is not used
as IN antidote in hydrophobia. He
might have sent te Texas and got
snake for 10 cents that would have been
of some account to him Brooklyn
Eagle.
Stockton Mother (reprovingly) And
doesn't my little boy ask too ru6ely?
-pive me this and Give mc that won't
do, my son. How can you Justify such
impoliteness? Athcrton (suddenly re-
why. hummer, you'seff
learnt US just as I am, without one
please. The quotation being inap-
plicable, the petitioner was remanded.
-CGiUorBia Mdrerjck.
First Tramp I've got brilliant
scheme To raise the wind. Second
Tramp Lets have il. " You and | 90
along the street and when we get in Il
nice benevolent neighborhood YOU fall
down with a spasm or heart-disease, or
something of that kind. and III strike
the neighborhoood for money 10 buy
medicine. See? ''Yes, | see. but-what
do get?'' 20, YOU get sick. - Phila-
delphta Cau
An Elk Meek girl drew Delaware
young man fifteen miles to see her last
week, snow-banked roads and all He
had a pretty hard time of it between
riding in the carriage. riding on the
horse back.and, describing both horse
and carriage, going it on foot. But he
got there. When man starts to see an
Elk Neck girl he always does get
there he is bound to and that settles
it Eikton (hd.) Ne,cs.
Woman Ito tramp III you'll shovel
of the sidewalk. an saw that pile o
wood. an pump a tub o water. an fill
the wood-box. I'll give We cold bite
when you get through. Tramp {sadly)
Madam. if We're to put anything
cold on my stomach after all that exer-
else | would have fit of Indigestion
that would stagger the whole medical
I i.
nor an Englishman. Good morning.
Distinguished Engiishman 60 host
who has given a dinner to HIND who
is that Incorporating man over near
the door?'' Host Prof dc I.egge. =
Distinguished EneliShmau Il haven't
met him. have ]? Host lin ah-let
me see. think not. beg Your par
don. my dear sir for not presenting him
before. The Professor is from Boston.
Distinguished Englishman- 80, don t
mind that. You know / am over here
to study humanity in all its conditions"
-NeU York Iid-Btts.
Once upon time certain man got
mad at the editor and stopped his paper
The next week be sold his corn four
cents below market price Then his
property was sold for taxes because he
didn't read the sheriff : sales. He was
arrested and fined - for going hunting
Sunday. He then paid a big Irishman
to kick him all the way TO the newspaper
office, where he paid for four years
subscription in advance, and made the
editor sign an agreement to knock him
down and rob him if he ever ordered
his paper stopped again. Such is life
without a newspaper. Abiiine (Te1.)
RerieaC.
One night Bob fell in with a fellow
who was English. you know The
latter was berating the Yankees for do
ing all manner of business in their shops
and not following the better English
plan of sticking to one branch. The
next day he s~aggered into Bobs shop
to be shaved. Bob gave his face an
extra good soaping and left him. at the
same time seating himself TO read. The
EngIishman kept quiet for few min
utes, when, seeing Bob reading, he
blurted out. ..Why don't you shave me.
sir?s ..You will have to go mp street
for your shave" quietly replied the
barber. 1--WE only Iather here The
answer took the vim out of the cockney
Boston Transcript.
The representative OF one Of the great
so-called religious papers of the country
called at the Office OF one OF our large
Connecticut factories and offered as a
personal favor to write up the whole
concern in big shape for S1.oo0. The
offer was declined in the same noble
spirit OF self-sacrifice with which it was
made. Then it was renewed at $500
(under request OF secrecy if accepted.
This was declined. too: and the religious
representative knocked himself down
sff1, kv Stf.r, mill while his first demand