The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936, 1886-04-01
Bill. NYE.
A Somewhat Gloomy but Timely
Topic Not FIfppantly but HUI
mOrously

TOPIC Not F1fppantly but HUI
morously Discussed.
The subject of what we shall do with
ourselves after death, writes Bill Nye
to The Boston Globe, is one that should
be duly considered at an early date. In
all seriousness, the soul is not the only
thing to be looked after, either during
life or after death. We are too prone
to neglect u health during life and
then bequeath our accumulated mi
crobes and other results of a long and
perhaps, crooked career to some sight
ly cemetery set on a hill like a city that
can not be hid.
Longevity is a good thing, though ]
have known public men to overdo it.
To die at the proper moment and leave
a good impression on history is one of
the lost arts. To flicker out of life with
the applause of a great people still ring
ing in the ears is a good thing; but man
that is born of woman-and the major
ity of them are that way-are too prone
to linger on this side of eternity until
they have done some little thing that is
never properly explained on their tomb
stones.
But after death, what shall we do
with ourselves? In this brief treatise |
dare not attempt to be thorough, OF
even lucid. Leaving others who know
all about it to state exactly what dis
position will be made of our souls, let
us look into the matter of what We
shall do with our bodies.
be regarded as flippant, for this is nc
place for tlippancy, but allow ME to
speak plainly of it as 1 would on any
other subject concerning u health.
Death has some very peculiar char
acteristics. For instance, it will wake
up the dormant old crank, who has
never missed a funeral for sixty years.
He goes for miles to see deceased"
1t is his holiday. It is the one saving
sport in his otherwise joyless life. We
all remember him. He is sometimes a
woman.
The thought that the time will come
some day when this man will put on
his funeral clothes and come to my
funeral makes my hair rise up on end.
He q not gloat Over me now, but the
day may come when l shall lie low,
instead of lying otherwise, as I do now;
and he may outlive me and come to see
me properly buried. Then he will
enjoy himself! All, what a blessed
relief it would be could l hover ovel
the doorway when he comes,
and hear my footman
TO the old vulture that he sis a little
late, as Mr.. Nye was put in the kiln
half an hour ago"
| could suffer good deal through life
if [ knew that l could at last head off
the funeral fiend-the man who wouldn't
loan me a dollar when | was struggling
for grub, but who cheerfully visits my
funeral and shows his approval in every
possible way.
/ must say in all candor that there are
many attractive features about crema-
ton. / am sure hat when cremation
is placed within the reach of all it will
rapidly become popular.
In the first place, if the space between
life and physical humiliation could be
made just as narrow as possible, it
would be far more cheerful to consider.
Death itself is cruel enough, but to add
to it a hippodrome of a public funeral
and turn our parlors into Il gaudy
morgue, and then repose in g crowded
cemetery till the cit, wants the ground
for a park, and then to pick up our
crumbling bones and move away to a
new grave, is not cheerful to contenl.
plate.
have often thought that a cheerful
book of fifty or sixty pages might be
written under the title of '.Recollec-
tons of Resurrection; or, the Diary of
a Body" 1t could be made to teach us
a valuable lesson. Politically l am
pledged to genuine national reform.
Let the nation try it, and if it works all
right on the nation l will try it myself.
Then l am committed to the unlimited
coinage of a tame dollar, one that you
can steal up behind and put salt on its
tail; not the evasive and ignis fatous
dollar of the present. Next 1 am in
favor of cremation at living prices. At
present the price is too high, and the
poor man is left to decay I'D fill the
soil with the poisonous gases which the
poor. as well as the rich, may indulge
in after death.
Death should end our career. so far
as earthly affairs 60, but with the en-
barrassing prospects of a premature
burial, the cheerful chances of being
boiled by the %janitor of a medical col
lege and our skeletons wired together
and hung in a museum, and the oppor-
tunity, if we escape the first two, of
being tipped out of u graves by a
flood, an earthquake, or the act of the
common council. it is no wonder that
people cling to life.
If [ thought that for centuries after
my decease my long but symmetrical
skeleton would be used night after
night in a nude condition to illustrate
the union in case of compound cyclonic
to sleep nights.