The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1886-11-11
TOMPKINS' CAT.

Tompkins is my next-door neighbor.
We are bitter enemies. Next-door neigh
bors generally are. We never speak as we
pass bv. On those embarrassing occas-
ions one of us is suddenly seized with n
frantic desire TO take botanical survey of
the yard we are passing, while the other $
attention seems TO be attracted by some
peculiarly fascinating object ON the oppo-
site side of the street, thou.h what it is |
have never yet been able to determine.
Once we met at the front gate. We have,
or rather had, but one front gate, and it
was used by both families in common. l
had Just babe my wife a fond ad.eu-be-
hind tue hall door-and wa rushing out,
with valise in one hand and an umbrella
in tie other, to catch the noon train, with but
five minutes in which to make seven
squares, when / almost collided with Temp
kins, who was just about to enter the front gate
on his way home to dinner l suddenly re-
membered that had for otten something,
and turning on my heel-people always
turn on their heel-I went back into the
house, while Tompkins walked past the gate
as serenely as if he lived ten squares fur
ther up the street. There are three gates
IN front now, and the m ddle one is studi-
ously avoided except by Mrs. Hobbs and
Mrs. Tompkins, who, strange to say, are
the best of friends.
Yes, fompkins and are bitter enemies.
Our luminosity Is deep-seated and beyond
any shadow Of n reconciliation. 1t has can
kered aud harassed my soul until life is
full of misery and woe, yet l take keen
delight in hating TompSins. would not
stop hating him Tor anything in the world.
The bone of contention between us is a
cat-not my cat, out Tompkins cat. God
hot / oh NJ "A
bloodthirSty creatures.
For the benefit of any of my beloved
readers who may not know what a cat is, |
will say that it is a patent, double-action,
fire. proof, burglar-proof, electro dynamo,
wound up for twenty four hours, IL de-
stru tible monster with cannIbaistic ten
denotes and a lurking animosi.y toward all
man kind,
mean TO say that some cats are like the
above, but not all cats. There are many
peaceable, we'll behaved, reputable CATS WHO
are proud of their good name. and would
not offend them for the word. They are
the pole-cat, the wildcat, the ca amount,
the cat nine tails, and the citechism.
But this cat Of Tompkins belongs TO the
ferocious breed first described. This breed
is divided into two classes. We h we the
Thomas cat, and-the other kind of a
homas CIT of the male persuasion.
have noticed that Thomas cats generally
are of The male persuasion. 1t seems to be
a p culiarity of the Thomas cat.
But this Thomas cat of Tompkins' is the
most male, client of its race. Ii has no re-
gard whatever for decency or the eternal
fitness OF tn ngs, and don't believe 1T has
ever read the golden rule in its life.
il is one of those bow-legged, knock
kneed. slab sided, cross-eyed. hair-lipped
reversible haired, ring-taied, eight-day
Thomas cats, with a camel back and a per-
pendicular tail. and can set more cubic fee
of air TO vibrating to the cubic inch of ca
than any creature that ever traded carboniC
acid gas for oxygen. IL is one OF those
erp, tual- motion, self-acting cats thai
seem 10 be blessed-or ra her cursed-witf
the peculiar, incxplicable faculty of wind
ing themselves mp rs fast as they run down
1t h IS I ikea n range and unaccountable
fancy To me, and treats me much after thu
maLner that love-sick swain treats In
lair namorata-notaGly, to moonlight seIe
md s, except that to Sir Thomas 1t Is
matter of ligtlo moment whether there