Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-02

If a mans wife is well-bred, he never
wants any but-her.
What kind of ship has two mates and
no captain? A court-ship.
All old masters are boss painters; but
all boss painters are not old masters.
The southern watermelon has appeared
in our midst. That is what ails our
midst.
1t is curl Gus fact that whenever
British Parliament gets into hot water it
is sure to dissolve.
There's one private bill that the presi
dent dareS not veto, namely, Mrs. Cleve-
lands millinery bill.
The days are growing shorter and
shorter, and the hours for leaning on the
front gate longer and longer.
An observant writer says that few men
know what to do with their hands. They
should offer them to some nice girls.
Wayfarers are attracted as much by
the letters as by the spirit of this sign at
East Jordan: Knew syder for saille
Why is a young lady of the present age
like careful housewife? Because she
makes great hustle about little waist.
An English paper states that women
are too much inclined to touzle the hair,
a sentiment which most married men will
| endorse
Mr.. Faintheart-Do you think it would
he safe to approach your pa on the sub
ject? Miss Fair Lady-Oh, perfectly, he
has the gout again.
els the man dead?" asked the reporter
of the policeman after an accident. s'Not
yet," replied the officer. ''The doctors
haven't arrived YETI
A Sunday-school teacher in Litchfield
told his infants to ask any questions they
had in their minds, and little one asked,
'sWhen is the circus coming?"
At French restaurant-Here, waiter,
it seems to me this turbot is not quite as
fresh as the one you had last Sunday.
Pardon! Monsieur, it's the very same.
Paul, said his mamma, will you go
softly into the parlor and see if grandpa
is asleep? Yes, mamma, whispered Paul
on his return, he's asleep all but his nose.
1t is said that boots for dogs with sore
feet are kept in New York. That's moth
ing. In Vermont there are lots of dogs
that get boots whether their feet are sore
or not.
Mrs. Cleveland is said to be a very
thoughtful piano player. A thoughtful
player, we suppose, is one who doesn't
practice six hours day with the win
dows wide open.
A judge who escaped brickbat thrown
by felon by suddenly STOPPING, said to
friends who were congratulating him on
his escape: If 1 had been an upright
judge had been slain.
bee may teach man, says somebody.
We know it; but no man of sense will
care to sit for any great length of time
under such keen and pointed instruction
as bees generally give.
|
ingy: Thank God for Grover Cleveland
His example has aroused the manhood Of
Massachusetts,. Last evening 1 received
my first offer of marriage.
Mercy! exclaimed Mrs. Homespun,
when she read in the papers that Jay
Gould made ten cents every time the
clock licked; should think he'd be wor-
ried to death for fear the clock would
run down.
Some idiot has put my pen where
can't find it, growled old Asperity the
other day. as he rooted about the desk
All, um, yes thought SO, he continued,
in lower key as he hauled the article
from behind his ear.
An unknown man stepped up to the
Rev. M. Talmage once and said: Well,
sir, am an evolutionist, and want to
discuss the question with you 1 am also
an annihilationist. / believe that when
die that will be the end of me. Thank
God for that! devoutly calculated Mr..
Talmage, as he walked off and left the