The Portland daily press., 1886-05-15

Fond Husband-Well, my dear, what are you
sobbing about?
the agricultural fair has just taken the hrse
prize 40
Husband-What is there to cry about in that?
You ought TO feel proud, my dear, of your knowl-
Wife-But You don't understand. The judges
gave it the award as the best specimen OF con-
crete sent in. Boo-hoo.
took pains to have customers report the effect
of Athlophoros on rheumatism and neuralgia.
The three first said it was marvellous and through
their kind words for it l have sold number OF
bottles c. d. Hunter, druggist Marlboro,
Mass.
Doctor to patlent-"You are all right physically.
hut Won must take care of your mental sell. You
must not read anything and must not allow any
one in talking to you to engage your attention.;
Patent-"But how must manage ~ DOCTOR
Doctor-"Are you acquainted WIN deputy
Patient-ssYes sir"
Doctor-"Then get him to summon you as
juryman."
Carriers Little Liver Pills are free from all
crude and irritating matter. Concentrated medi-
cine only very small; very easy to take; no pain;
no gripping; no purgiDg.
Rev. Mr.. B. of Oregon has two little boys,
Matthew and Johnny who haye been 81 duiy IN
ing But the seed seems to have fallen on STONY
ground for, as their father was getting an armtul
of wood, he overheard, on the other SIDE Oh the
woodpile, the following conversation;
"Oh. Johnny, said Matthew, in coaxing but
somewhat awestr9ck tone, less s NDsaI;s,,
There was pause during which Matthew ap-
peared to be considering how to DO It: linen ne
called out in furious accents Il swear"
"Tho do II" piped Johnny.
All cases of weak or lame back, backache, rheu
matism, &C., will find relief by wearing one of Car
ter's Smart Weed Belladonna Backache Plasters.
Price 25 cents.
Mrs. Malaprop, who returned last year from
visit to japan with her husband, was describing
the outward voyage to an acquaintance recently.
1t appears that the steamer encountered regu-
lar Japanese gale when nearing the coast, Whlch,
although of short duration, was quite severe, the
vessel at one time barely escaping disaster,
81 shudder to think how near we came to being
the coast of Japan we were met by one OF those
terrible Tycoons and it was only through mercl-
full Providence that we escaped"
Esysipelas and Salt Rheum was driven entirely
away from Mrs. ]. C. Anderson, Peshtigo Wis,
by Btrdock Blood Bitters. No equal as blood
Purifier
This.happened in the Boston s. Albany depot at
Springfield the other day. the chief actor in the
little farce being Mr. Smythe, the well known
Boston man of letters: AS the New York express
was pulling out of the station a lady IN craving
room car dropped her glove from the Sill OF
partly open window Mr. Smythe CALAMITY rusned
to the rescue, snatching the glove from the plat-
FORM and. running beside the car, handed IL TO
the astonShed lady.
In his haste he had passed the glove by ana
picked up instead-a banana SKIN!
Scott's Emulsion of Pure Cod Liver
Oil with HypophospF1ites.-As a remedy
for Consumption, SerofulG, all wasting diseases
and General Debility we venture to say has no
equal in the whole realm of medicine.
Mr. Coldcash, have come to ask for the hand
of your daughter.
MY daughter, sir?
eyes: can't live without her.
Well sir, finish your sentence.
Finish my sentence? -, .,,
Yes YOU were about TO say you could not i've
without her income Let US be frank, my dear
sir.
Scrofuous humors are most troublesome IN
spring. Nothing gives so sure relief as Vegetine.
Coldeash-What do you charge for embalmlng?
Internationally dollars.
Coldcash-Well, say, amt that pretty nigh?
Undertaker-Notf for first-claSs Send-oH
Coldcash-Well, what discount would you make
for the deceased having wooden leg?