The Irish standard., 1886-12-11

STAN D "a DE- B BREVITIES.
a species of sage brush-An argu-
ment between two professors.
When woman ''knits her brows'' it
is probably because she is out Of yarn.
a rolling stone gathers no moss, but
a rolling pin will gather considerable
hair.
Atlanta, Ca, has kerosene drunk
ard, who drinks half gallon Of oil a
week.
s'I'll just give you few points, re-
marked the paper Of pins as the man
sat on it.
Some men think the place for red
button-hole bouquet is on the end Of
the nose.
An artist once painted the picture of
q gun so naturally that it went of-tha
sheriff took 1t.
The printer makes us speak of kiss
ing .'sub nosa." Well, that will do
just as well.
Education is something like love.
Most men think they have got it till
they come to be about 40 years old.
There was a time when a man
thought twice before marrying. Now
he thinks three times after marrying.
A bachelor clergyman acknowledges
that the most trying thing he has to do
is to christen babies in a heavy squall.
II was born to be great writer" ex-
claimed Scribe. ''Too bad you couldn't
fulfill the promise of your birth" re-
torted Sharpe.
The Chinese claim to have dis
covered the art of sneezlng, and to
have practiced it 1000 years before any
other nation caught on.
Johnny, have you a paternal gov
ernment at your house?" Johnny-''I
guess SO. I've seen pa turn all the
children over his knee.''
Drummer (just arrived d)-''Is this a
real wjde-awaketown? ?" Hotel keeper
You bet it is! Wait till you hear
the cats tonight
Fogg says when he asked the future
Mrs, E. for her hand he had no idea 1T
was going 10 cost him so much to
keep it in gloves.
General Lew Wallace. says that when
he is travelling he writes on the cars"
Next he'll take to whiting them with
his pen-knjfe.
"A. Boston woman, by way Of expert
ment, recently tied pedometer to her
chin. and discovered that she talked 80
miles between breakfast and lunch.
Henry NJ. Stanley has grown quite
gray since his last visit to America, but
one would hardly detect it, owing to
the s2ril}tul manner in which he dyes
his hair.
4. large insurance company of Paris
has issued confidential circular to it's
agents warning them against insuring
persons who are in the habit Of dyeing
their hsir or boards.
One OF Napoleon's marshals handed
to the Emperor book from an upper
shelf, witt, the remark, II am higher
than yon are,.. sire.'' Longer, not
higher,n responded Napoleon.
1.-The loss Of my husband completely
un-nervetl nle'' said a lady to a neigh
nor vino has been recently afflicted her
self. Yes, dear, and the loss Of my
husband completely unnamed me'
A Waterbury 5-year-old at the sup
per table last evening sat down a cup
of milk. which had been raised to his
lips, with the remark: Mamma, I be-
lieye the mi}kman has sour cow"
Oysters have only been an: article of
diet for q hundred years, says an au-
thority. We know better than that.
Why that joke about the church fair
oyster is over 1000 years old if it is a
day.
a single sheet of paper Y inches
wide and seven and three quarters miles
long was made without break, in a
paper mill at Watertown, N. Y. few
days ago. The. sheet weighed 2,@7
pounds.
s'You know something about music
don't you, Joggins?'' "a little, Snoop..
err 'sThen what does this paper
mean when it speaks Of the higher |
kinds of music?'" Must mean upper
attic Think
"A magazine writer asks: "What is
true joy?" True joy is what a woman