The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1886-02-04
ALLEG ED WIT.

The man who hangs around bucket
shop will very likely come to want bail.
Lowell Courier.
Harrison, the boy preacher, is now A
years old. He must be the "Old Boy" we
hear so much talk of in religious discus.
sion.-Detroit Free Press.
New York Times: Bless mel he said
looking at the clock, It's after II. How
| time flies. | had no i!ea it was so late
It's better late than never" she said
hiding yawn.
Gen. Johnson, of Minneapolis, is quoted
i'll the Atlanta Constitution as authority
for the story that Minneapolis congre.
CATION left the church one Sunday be,
cause the minister took his text from St
| Paul.
| Products of protected commonwealth
-Pennsylvania has produced two great
men, Benjamin Franklin. of Massachu-
sets, and Albert Galatin, of Switzerland.
DR.. John r. Paxton, at the Typothcta
dinner.
We observe that a Fifth street stationer
has lowered the price of stylographic pens
to one dollar. This disposes of the cal
jimmy that the only thing that would not
come down about these pens was the ink.
Philadelphia Call.
feminine writer tells mothers not to
scold their children. This is excellent
advice. One stroke of the slipper or the
strap will have more effect on a Young
hoodlum than a thousand seedlings. -
Louisville Courier-Journal.
:" see that Chicago landlord has shot
boarder for joking about the butter"
remarked the judge. THAT must have
been a queer kind of butter" responded
the major. why ?" THAT it was not
strong enough to resent the insult itself"
--Pittsburg Chronicle.
II always get in between 10 and H." is
the standing joke of County Commits
sioner Krumbhaar, of Philadelphia. The
way he does it is this: he has the figure
10 painted on one side of the door
jambs of his Office, and IL" on the other.
Detroit Free Press.
"Oh, mamma, you'd be surprised to
know how dumb Bessie Barton is She
took me into what she said was the apiary.
What do you think l saw there?" Il
don't know dear" "Why, nothing but
lot of beehives. There were no apes
there; not even monkey Philadelphia
Call
Good heavens, Washington, how does
your master live in such mosquitoev
hole as this" "Well, sar, the fact am, at |
night Mars George am so intoxified that
he don't give cuSs for the skeeters, and |
in the morning the skeeters am so intox-
flied they don't give cuss for Mars
George."-Life.
Sunday school teacher Ito All Sing, the
All Sing, where do wicked
Cinnamon go when they die ?" All Sing
Sc Bad place." Teacher" What is the
name of the bad place ?" All Sing
Troy. Mellican laundry. Washee
'hirtee no good. Troy alice same hellee.
New York Sun.
He (solemnly)-"You had very mar
ow escape last night, Miss Julia" She
Why, what do you mean ?" He
Well, you see, had dream about you.
thought l was just about to kiss you.
'hen the housemaid raped at the door
nd woke up" She latter a pause)-
That girl must go."-Hartford Times.
Two colored brothers fell out in church
bout small matter. The offending '
rother went to the offended one and said: I
Brudder, the Lord has forgiven me, and l
'ont you!' The offended brother re- {
lied: You go bring de Lords certiti- |
tie dat he has forgiven you, den 1
ill see about de matter. John de Bap- 4
list required the Gews to bring a certif-
ate of der repentance fore he would ban f
Ize um."-Newman (Ga.) Herald.
Boston Transcript: 1t was on the eve I
the twenty-ffth anniversary of their
marriage. She said: Il do hope if any ?
ody is going to give us anything it will
e In money. When we were MARI ed we |
ere ignorant, and we didn't find out i'm
lediately that sugar-spoons and thirteen q
'e pitchers were not essential to married
liss; but | think we've been married long Il
nough by this time to know how TO pick
ut our own presents"
Texas Siftings: Kosciusko Murphy
roposed to Miss Esmerelda Lonrcoffin I
ne day last week. She replied: Il O
ant you to distinctly understand that I '
'fuse to be your wife, Now, don't say '.
lat, at least not yet. Wait until next >
'turday before you say positively that !,
"a Will not marry me-" "Why wait I'M
saturday. Because before you re- :.
ct me want You to see me in my new -
IT. and I'll get it from the tailor Friday l..
ght. Just wait till you see me in them
yender pants"
Col. Sumpter Mcbride of Austin, has
zen spending several weeks in New York. ir
rev days ago, being in need of some
oney' he applied to a Broadway bank it,
cash draft.
What is your name:" asked the pay We
& teller =
Col. Sumpter Mcbride, sir. of Austin,
avis county, Texas"
You will have to be identified. Col
ell"
That was something the colonel had not of
ken into consideration. He knew of m,
body who could identify him, and was les
out to leave the bank, when a happy th
ought occurred to him. He reached in in
his breast pocket and brought out III
otograph of himself, and holding it Coz
der the nose of the bank officer said: an
There sir, guess that settles it." Gle
OF course, that's your photograph; but
v does that identify your"
Well sir will you please tell me how are
ould have my photograph taken, if 1 an,
'n't myself!'' wo
Berkeley sends this in, alleging that sta
5 his first effort" He heads it "Marcb AM
lrting." bar