Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1886-10-09
THE CASE OF MIR. WIGGLE


profession lived in a block. He
had the happy temperament of person
who does not mind other people, and his
neighbors did not like him quite unani-
mously. 1t is on record that he had ad-
vised the butcher to enter one of his sau-
sages in bench show, and he once re-
monstrated with q milkman for mingling
social matters with the shop by wearing
his pumps at ball. He had also advised |
the grocer to back his sugar against Sui
Ivan because it had 30 much sand, but |
this was generally considered chestnut,
and it was not believed that he hao
helped matters out much when he amen
ded to tho eAees thot perhaps, after al,
it might be best to pit only the Jump
sugar, for then it would become pulver-
lied.
A thin young nan with cylindrical
collar and the general appearance of
materialized evaporation mentioned that
he had heard both jokes long time ago
and that they were poor, whsreupon Mr..
Wiggle, with much frankness, conceded
that this might be 80, and explained that
they had probably lost their points in
the natural difficulties attendant upon
the task of boring themselves into his
head.
This happy generosity with advice and
candid faculty Of explanation did not
make him popular with those about him,
and when he once remarked that he ex-
pected to be hung before any of his pic
lures we're there was general depression
for three blocks around, because this was
regarded as q safe and indefinite expec-
tation, q gentleman on the third floor
having made inquiries of the hanging
committee.
In the room next to Mr.. Wiggle's was
an English person who was vaguely sup
posed to do something downtown. He
had become hypochondriac from having
early in life acquired the habit of reading
Punch. Mr.. Wiggle had earned his life
long enmity by mentioning once that
Punch had failed in it's mission and did
not pay two minutes on the day, and this
feeling was deepened when, having heerd
his neighbor say that MI, Gladstone had
grand trait, Mr.. Wiggle did not want
to let him finish the sentence, but asked
him aippantly If he meant arbitrate. Al
though these were only 'triAes light as
air" as q bald-headed gentleman from
London might say, still they lived in his
memory just as kind words would have
done, it being q well-known fact that
kind words never die.
Mr.. Wiggle called his pictures studies,
and when once asked why, he said it was
because it required great deal of study
to find out what they were; but this was
not strictly true, because Mr.. Wiggle
knew what they were, but he kept the
secret jealously locked up in his own
bosom. He would intrust no one with
his private art cipher. They did some
good, however. Whenever the English
person felt that the thought of Mr.. Wig
gle was too oppressive he would steal in
to his room, look at his pictures aud
gloat. This relieved him little, but re-
venge brings it's own punishment. His
suffering would be intensified for hours
afterward, as he had once had quite q
reputation as an art critic, obtained from
keeping on his shelf copy of Ruskin's
"Seveh Lamps Of Architecture, "purchas-
ed under Misrepresentation when he was
in the oil and lamp line.
| However, these visits, which were as
frequent as his feeble health could stand,
gave the English person an idea. It
suggested to him sarcasm that would
be as massive and complex as any he
had ever read in Punch, and it had q
vein of gloom in il which was equally
characteristic. 1t was necessary to die
to carry it out fully, but his constant
reading of his favorite periodical had
schooled him to look upon death with
stoical equinimity. OF course he did
not mean to throw himself before train
and give some able reporter chance to
ring in that unique "Under the Wheels"
or take poison and be alluded to in con-
nection with the ''Morphine Route" OF
drown himself and be headlined as
"Dead for Duck It." These did not
enter his mind, mainly, perhaps, be-
cause he had already rented his mind to
one idea and he was averse to having four
ideas sleep in single cot. He would
not be premature. but he was deter
mined.
Mr.. Wiggle was poor-almost as poor
as his pictures. He had frequently been
heard to say, with great facetiousness,
that he lived On his cheek and hence was
entitled to claim that his face was his for
tune. His clothes looked best in per-
spective, and once when he had taken q
frameless canvas to second hand store
in the hope Of selling it as an old master,
and the dealer asked him why he did
not frame it, he remarked that the only
frame he had was frame of mind and
he did not think that would suit. 1t
would be an imposition that he would
not be guilty of. This remark called up
host of far away associations in the
dealers mind and he went to q negro
minstrel entertainment that evening and
listened pensively TO other memories Of
his childhood. He retained sufficient
presence of mind, however, not to buy
the picture.
Whenever Mr.. Wiggle was asked by
his landlady how long it would be be-
fore he would pay his rent, he would an
swer earnestly that the question was not
put in the right way; the query should
run as to how short he would be. This
shows that it is best to take the world
and any loose property you may see ly-
ing around in cheerful spirit.
One day the English person was found