davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1886-12-04
Brother Gardner on the Chestnut Bel

Brother Gardner on the Chestnut Bell.
Julius Caesar Smith was inquired for and
ssked to come forward to the presidents
desk, and when he had complied Brother
Gardner said:
"Brudder Smith, what sort of a masheen
am dat you war on your west"
"Dat's a chestnut bell, sab"
"When you start out to sell chestnuts you
ring dat bell, chr
"No, sab ring dc bell when anybody gifts
Off an old joke"
"Oh, see What effeck does it hev on de
udder pussonF
al doan' know, sah."
what effeclS does it hev ON youw
Julius Caesar shifted around uneasily but
didn't reply
"Bruddor Smith, continued the president
"a pusson who am fool huff to pin one of
dose things 20 his west doan' know an old
joke from a new one. Dat class of pussons
who cry 'cheatnutsr an 'ratsp 70 give de bal
ance Of de world an ideah dat dey am smart,
am really dc only class widout brains 'nulf to
keep em straight in de road You walk ober
10 dat winder an drap dat bell into de alley,
am de sooner you git de ideah dat you doan'
know more'n all dc rest of de world put to-
gether de better it will be fur yOu."-Detroit
Free Press.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1886-12-04
CUMB. VAL. RAILROAD.
II ME IT "A BTE

TAKES &sFKor MONDAY, Oct. 8,
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19

RANSOM & HORTON.
RICH, RARE FuRS!
THE ACME Of HOLIDAY OFFERINGS.
A Substantial, Elegant Seal Skin Sacque.
YOU GET 4 ADVANTAGES IN TRADING WITH U.s.
First ABSOLUTELY TRUTHFUL REPRESENTATIONS
Second The Lowest Price Alaska Seal can be sold for
Third You buy from first hands, and from firm that knows
about Fu stock and does larger business Fur
Garments than all the other fur houses Minnesota combined
Fourth Every Garment fits the perfectly because they
cut by artistic cutters sewed by competent qers and trimmed
in the richest and most substantial
We submit the quality variety and prices Of Fur Garments against
firms stock in the United States.
But do recognize competition Victoria Lobos Cali
fornia Seals, sold in stores Genuine Alaska,
and by Peripatetic Pet Pedders.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19

removing my feet from the table. l told
him not to mind little thing like that, as
| had on my heavy shoes and the table
cloth wouldn't hurt them. This didn't
seem to be satisfactory however. and after
little parliamentary practice removed my
feet after which the man who was remark
ing about the Subdivis on of Virginia
continued to remark When he had fin
ished speaking, somebody said extra charge
would be made for fruit taken away from
the table. and | removed several bananas. a
lot of oranges and few grapes that L
had absent-mindedlY thrust into my inside
pocket.
am not SOutherner, you know. l was
born in the North. of Southern parents.
Not too Southern. but just Southern enough
as you can tell by my complexion, cOnSe-
quently feel very friendly towards the
friends ever had was a SOutherner. He
was a man of means when l first became
acquainted with him, and when 1 saw him
last requested that he give me the perma-
nent loan of a dollar. and he said, ''Fd be
glad to. my boy, but haven't got it." L
didn't press what knew to him must be a
painful subject, further. But we all have
our ups and downs. l never noticed this
SO particularly as did while watching the
champagne Thursday night
If you want to find warm-hearted. gen.
erOuS man 90 South. Go down into the
sunny cline where the sun shines into the
soul of the child. and shines into it until
she child becomes a man. and when he goes
put into the world this sunshine must OOZe
out. and you'll like him because he's warm
hearted. These few remarks may remind
you of Sam Jones. Sam and myself have
habit of talking a good deal alike; my
talk. however, comes a good deal cheaper
than Sans does, and has just as much in
fiuence with creditors.
Kentucky turns out a class of men who
are remarkable for their energy and enter
prise. l remember about three years ago.
/ was in Denver. Col, singing sentimental
songs to the proprietor of tie Windsor
hotel for the food that | was taking three
times day before drinking. l met gen.
tleman at the breakfast table one morning
who told me that his name was Maj
CranstOn, of Kentucky. We snapped in
formation a few minutes, when the major
said:
Il come from a state, Sah that furnishes
the best whisky made, sab. l have got
whisky in my cellar that is three years old,
sab"
do you keep a hired man, major?" 1
inquired.
YES sab. two of them"
''And have got whisky three years old?"
Eyes. sab"
81 fear there must be some mistake, ma
jor" l said. i don't believe that there is
a drop of whisky in Kentucky three years
old. You Kentuckians are altogether too
enterprising and too red in the face to allow
whisky to lie idle that length of time"
The old man seemed tlattered, and. TAX
ing courage and swallow of coffee l con-
tinued, Major. Montana whisky can
knock your blue grass juice into cooked
hat"
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19

acquainted with the use of an AK than any
other weapon. If you want satisfaction
you can get it,
The major turned pale and staggered a
little. but replied, ''all right, d-n YOU sab;
axes it shall be-"
When l got down to the train that night
to leave an hour before l had agreed to
fight the duel, met Major CranstOn. with
his gripsack in his hand. We looked at
each other second, we sort of smiled, and
then shook hands.
II didn't know a d-n thing about axes,
sab, said the major.
Il wouldn't know an ak from saw I'M
less l saw it," said L. and from that time
the major and have been the tirmest kind
of friends.
r. B. Franklin, Kentucky gentleman,
was present at the banquet. and when
first looked at him l thought he had Dor
rOwed Bob IngersolTs face to wear that
evening. but gentleman who sat next to
me said it was his own face and l became
quiet Mr.. Franklin possesses a sweet
mezzo soprano voice. with cream cOlored
accent, and when he was asked to treat
the crowd to a hymn, he responded
promptly with that familiar song the BLUE
and the Gray" He sang it in a way which
proved that he knew what he was talking
about. and when he sat down long. green
howl of approval went up. The per-
Torrance In the large tent lasted until
about o'clock Friday morning, and l
went home in splendid spirits, which fact
can prove by Mrs. H., who got up to let
me in. l am so impatient to get at another
affair of that kind that other members of
the family say they will have to hand
cuff me to keep me quiet Hoping to hear
from you by telegraph. am still on earth,
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19

you're liar. sah." he yelled. his face
flaming and his lips quivering, You're a
liar"
Sc am 1. major" said l, hotlY, land I
can prove it, too.
My - san. you're too flippant," he
cried. getting madden.
Look here. major" 1 said. don't you
call me names. may be one of them
things. but l don't want any pusilanimous
brickbat like you to inform me of it,
The major jumped up in his seat, his
eyes bullying out and foam flying from his
lips. He was evidently jealous of my COM
mand of language.
This is too much" he cried 81 can't
stand this. l must have satisfaction"
Il guess YOU can get it out in the bar
ROOM / said.
Il want to fight, fight you. by God, sah
You must meet me, sab. Choose your time. F"
Hold on till l get c., B. & Q. time
table" howled. and rushing out of the
dining room asked the clerk what time the
next train left for Omaha. He told me at
7:3O that evening. l rushed back into the
iining-room and shaking my fist under the
nose of Maj. CranstOn yelled. ''I'Q meet
you tonight at $780,"
Good" he calculated. name your
weapons"
Axes. cried; Large, nine-pound axes
warranted not to rip. Axes that yearn for
gore / am married man. and am better
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19
GOT ETH ERR J.!

It'd Bits.
Yes, it is done; but how twas done,
Or whatI said | can't discover;
/ only know that she is won,
And | am her accepted lover.
1 know stumbled coming in,
To make graceful entrance trying,
And several chairs were tangled in
Ny feet in all directions flying.
I know looked a perfect fool
While she talked on in manner kindly,
AT last, uDmindful of all rule,
l saw my chan ce and grasped it blindly.
| know no more until saw
Ny dexter arm her waist surrounding;
One little hand (now mine in law
My other hand I found iinpounding.
And now my mind is set at rest,
I'm Gas you may suppose) in clover.
But of all tn oughts this ones the best
Thank heaven the proposals over!
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19
DO Not Fail

To attend the great handkerchief sale at
McLain's. Colored bordered handkerchefs
at ~, 5, 10, 1919. Is. 20. 25 and 80 cents
a piece at McLan's, 3S4 Wabasha street.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19

semblage. but they had an idea it would be
handy to have me around if there was
liability that considerable champagne and
other delicacies OF the season would be left
over.
1t was one of the pIeasantest affairs that
! ever attended and the longer L fingered
the pleasanter it got. In fact it got so ex-
ceedingly pleasant that | drank out of
my finger bowl and bathed my fingers
in glass of Piper Heidseick.
This little breach of etiquette, however,
was not noticed by the other members of
the party. and don't know but | would have
overlooked it if my attention hadn't been
called to it by the drab taste the contents
of the finger bowl left in my mouth. L
never felt so much at home anywhere in my
life as did there. and guess l must have
showed my emotion considerably, for NJ.
3. Williams. chairman of thu banquet COM
mittpe. interrupted a speaker who was
making some pertinent remarks about West
Virginia. to inquire if would object to
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19
Table Tih.fsitS.

A restaurant keeper can make both ends
meat by serving cdlf's head and ox-tail
sOup.-Drake's Magazine.
There is one recommendation for buck
wheat griddle cakes as an article of diet.
They are always round if you want them.
Lowell Citizen.
If man asks for bread he expects no one
to spring stone on him. If man asks
for an onion he expects no one to spring a
leek at him. New Orleans Picayune.
There may not be much poetry in hash.
neither is there in much of the poetry sent
to US, and, of the two. there is generally
more taste in the hash. Fall River Ad-
vance.
The newest invention of cultured Boston
is the celery fritter. The process spells the
celery, but it completely DISCUSSES the taste
of the dough and that suits Boston.
delphla Press.
That CLAIMS are tooth some shellfsh,
Tnat clam soup is immense,
The crowds around the clam dish
Every day give evidence.
Boston Courier.
A New York paper claims to have made
the discovery that cheese will digest every
thing but itself. As this PROPOSE ton i:
nearly as old as the Christian era it may be
set down for veritable cheese-nut.
ton Transcript.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1886-12-19
HOMESPUN LETTERS.
The Magnolia Club Gives its Fl rst Annual
Banquet at the ParlOrs of
the Ryan.
It Proves Grand Affair Made Up of South
ern Gentlemen and Tropical
Frnit.
A Slight Objection Made to Guests
Hanging their Feet Up on
the tables.
Mai. Cranston, a Kentuckfan Who
Objected to Having His Whisky
Criticised.

EAR RUDE: Last
Thursday night l at
tended a banquet,
given by the Magnolia
club. an organization
made up of Southern
gentlemen and trOpi-
cal fruits. l was a
specially invited
guest. Not that L
would be any particu-
lar ornament to the as
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24
THE NEW YORK PRESS.

The Tribune opposes the proposed estab
lishment of a Bureau of Animal Industry as
IAN unjustifable attempt to fatten q certain
set of ofiicious men at the public crib" 1t re-
CARDS the new demand of the Missouri Pacific
strikers as an attempt to change the ISSUE
and insists upon the right of employers to use
their own discretion as to whether they shall
deal with organized labor or individual
workingmen in procuring the help they want.
The bill of Representative Glover providing
for the settlement of disputes by arbitration
1t considers a crude measure, which could be
made much wiser, but valuable, as an indlca-
tion of the direction of public thought.
The Herald strongly protests against the
odous and oppressive action of the eleven
gentlemen composing the railroad and mining
syndicate who met in New York on Tuesday
and marked up the price of anthracite coal
twenty-five cents Il ton. Ii also says that the
"gas monopolists who have gathered like a
flock of buzzards at Albany" need watching.
The World Is opposed to General Logans
bill for an increase Of the army, and thinks
that "the mere skeleton OF an army organza-
tom we now have is sufficient for all practi-
cal purposes. II thinks that the anthracite
coal combinations should be subject to some
legal regulation. AS to the nomination of
Mr., Matthews for Recorder of Deeds of the
District OF Columbia II says that refusal TO
confirm him will be political mistake.
The star, aluding to the St. Louis strike,
says "the Knights Of Labor cannot concedo
the demand made. To do so would be to com
nit suicide and confess that labor had no
right to organize. Every labor organization
In the country, and every laborlng man who
is not a sneak ready TO betray his fellows,
will sympathlze with tho knights in this de-
termination. The way is still open for argu-
ment, compromise or arbitration, provided
Mr.. Hoxie abandons his false position, but II
he maintains II he appeals to force for the
assertion of his own view"
The sun advises "the leaders of labor to
beware lest they go too far and defeat their
own purposes. II cannot be allowed In this
country that man who employs labor shall
not himself select ii and control 1t, free from
dictatlon as to the individual persons whom
he shall employ"
The Times says of the Western railway
strikers that "the mistake they have made Is
not an unnatural one. II Is by no means an
evidence of their unAtness for organization,
but only of their inexperienoe in 1t. But II Is
q serious error and they ought 10 correct IL.
The sooner they do so the better for all con.
cerned." IL favors a moderate increase of the
army, and considers the need Of an improved
cavalry service as specially important.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24
NOTES AND GOSSIP.

THE second volume Of General GRANTS
book will be ready for delivery about the
lst of May.
THE Philadelphia Public Ledger will to-
morrow celebrate the flftlcth anniversary OF
Its foundation.
Dr. JoHN II. EvERuART, brother Of Con-
grcssman Everbart Of Pennsylvania, is
spending the winter in Southern Europe.
JAMES r. GARFIELD, son OF the late Pres
ident Garfield, In company with DR.. s. A.
Boynton of Cleveland, is visiting New Or
leans.
VICENTE G.. QUEsApA, the Argentine
Minister, and Count Leyden OF the German
Legation were registered in New York
yesterday.
THE CONFEDERATE HONE at Charleston,
S. G., has received gift of $50 from Mrs.
Fish, wife of ex.sccretary Hamilton Fish Of
New York.
REV. JouN FULTON of st. Louis has an
nounced his intention TO retire from the
Episcopal ministry and take up the prac-
tlce of the law.
PRoFEssoR T. d. SEYMOUR Of Yale Col
lege will sail for Europe Saturday for the
| purpose Of taking charge of the American
school at Athens.
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES and James
| Russell Lowell will read from their own
works tomorrow at the Old South Church,
| Boston, In aid Of the Old South Church
| fund.
GENERAL THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGuER'
| widow has presented the Young Ireland
| Society of Waterford, Ireland, with a dress
and presentation sword belonging to her
| husband.
| Mr.. CoSKLING is great lawyer, aud
that gratifying fact to him is worth $780,
600 year. Mr. Conkling will remain a
| great lawyor-only that and nothing more
II he aud the Republican party are wise.
| IN Y. Graphic.
| PROFESSOR BARSARp, the young astrono.
mer of Vanderbilt University, is native OF
Nashville, Tenn, and only ~ years of age.
| Up to 1888 he pursued the vocation of q
| photographer, aud Is emphatically a self.
| made man. Since that tune he has held O
| position in the university and devoted him
| self assiduously to astronomical science.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24
IN THE APPIAN WAY.

Deep furrows lined the marble street,
Where Nero's chariots of gold,
Drawn by Arabian chargers fleet,
In sovereign pomp had rolled.
On either hand grim walls of stone
Darkened the sunshine, mile on mile.
The blue Campana's sky alone
Was frightened with smile,
As half in reverential mood,
stood there In the solitude.
II was so fair, a nameless peace
Reigned over all the silent street;
j felt the pain within me cease
My heart with kindller impulse beat,
The iargon of greedy world,
The mockery of its DEGREES
Were silent here, where death unfurlei
His sombre banner to the breeze,
And |, the jaded wanderer, found
A blessing in that sacred ground.
fain had laid me down 10 rest,
Beside the marble form that lay
With folded hands upon its breast,
Waiting the call of the judgment day
Sleeping until the voice of fate
Should sweep through tomb and temple riy'n
When God stands waiting at the gate,
With the golden keys OF heaven
Upon the battlements OF blue,
Where bright, eternal stars looked
through.
-IE. D. Person.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

SENATOR LOGAN must have referred
to Mr.. Blaine yesterday in the debate
on his bill to increase the efficiency of
the army. In view of the close rcla-
tions subsisting between Mr.. Blaine and
Mr.. Hale and Mr.. Logan's significant
language, it certainly looks that way.
The Senator from Maine is opposed to
the bill. The Senator from Illinois
said that il the bill were of different
parentago and had been introduced by
any one else, Hale would not be found
in opposition to it. Mr.. Logan even
went so far as to say that Mr.. Hale had
been encouraged to oppose it from the
start, and 81 know where that encour-
agement comes FROM" he added. There
is no better evidence that both Blaine
and Logan will appear in the next Ma
tional Republican Convention as aspir-
ants for the same office, than the fact
that they are both throwing out their
skirmish lines.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

THE New York World thinks that
the nomination of Mr.. Matthews, for
Recorder of the District of Columbia,
ought to be confirmed, and that it will
be political mistake" for Democrats
to oppose him. The mistake con-
sisted in the appointment, and the
Senate should so inform the President,
instead of indorsing the blunder.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

THE British House of Lords has, by ma
jority Of fourteen, declared that sin the in
terests Of religion and education, all national
collections should be opened to the public
on Sundays as on other days" This action
is instructive, and 1t shows the direction that
public sentiment is taking.-[ Baltimore
American.
Yes; but sometimes it takes Congress
long time to form a junction with
public sentiment. 1t often fails to make
the connection at all.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

further postponement of action would
verge upon criminal negligence. A
need that should by good rights have
been provided for half dozen years
ago, with the result day of com
pleted ediice, has become so critical
that failure to pass the bill at this
session may justly be construed by the
country rs an intention on the part of
Congress to abandon the library alto.
gether and leave It to the sure destruc-
lion that is already preying upon its
valuable treasures.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

THE ESTEEMED cable gives us an
able jenkins description of the toilet
worn by Mrs. Phelps at the Queens
drawing-room at Buckingham Palace
yesterday afternoon. The esteemed
cable knows the kind of news that this
country is hungering for.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24
GENERAL AND CRIrICULAR.

The shades OF night were falling fast,
AS through the civll-servicc passed
A Mugwump, bearing, to entice,
a banner with the strange device:
Reform
His nose was red; his eye beneath
Flashed like falchion from its sheath,
And like a silver coinage ruag
The accents Of that unknown tongue:
Reform
A Mugwump on the cold, cold ground,
Half buried In the sewer was found,
Still grasping in his hand of Ice
That banner with the strange device:
Reform
There in the twilight, cold aud gray,
Lifeless, but beautiful, he lay,
And from the sky, serene and fur,
A voice fell, like a falling star: IN. g."
The proposed Saturday half holiday will
be good thing to enable people to have
their fun In plenty Of time to go to church
the next morning.
Visitors returning from Old Point Com
fort say the crowds there are petitioning
to have its name changed to Old Point
Discomfort.
Governor Hill of New York, the naughty
old bachelor, is subsidizing the "press," so
to speak. He appointed five women yes
tcrday as notaries public.
The House had roaring old time yester-
day afternoon over points of order until
NnI, 90 IL.
whole business. In the words of the poet
Of the Stanislaus:
Then Springer of Illinois raised point of
order, when
Nelson raised another, and took him in the
abdomen;
He smiled sort of sickly smile, and curled
And the subsequent proceedings interested
him no more.
A morning contemporary mourns over
the recent brutal murder of the thirteen
negroes in Mississippi as II they comprised
its entire subscription list in that State.
The Members put in all the afternoon
yesterday wrestling with point of order
Do we need National college for edu
eating parliamentarians
An Ohio man was introduced to thu
President the other day when there wa
opportunity for talk.
"Mr. President" said the visitor, "I'm
glad to see you, and want to say that
when you were elected was rather sci
against you, but now"
"Ah," interrupted the President with {
smile. "Another one Of those candid fel
lows whom / see every few days lately
Well, sir, I'm glad you"
| "But now" continued the visitor, over
looking the interruption, 81 am squarel,
and positively opposed to you, and am goin,
to fight you right along until one of US Il
knocked out"
After the visitor had departed the Presi
dent nudged Colonel Lamont in the ribs
and remarked; "Dan'l, the chestnut tina
comes from other mems mouths had moth
ing to do with that case, eh2" and Colone
Lamont colncided with his chief.
A man with the ague is hilarious one da,
and malarious the next. Don't you know
how 1t is yourself?
A new organization not far from tn
Knights of Labor, to be known as the AT
ternoons Of Labor, has been suggested. N
one except Senators, Members, Judges o
the Supreme Court and their assistants |
eligible to membership.
The force of laborers at the Capitol ar
called by the facetious, "Capt alists."
Question: Speaking of the Presidency,
you think the Secretary of the Navy has
boom2
Answer: Oh, no, the Secretary of tn
Navy has no boom. What you think is
boom is only marlne spike, but 1t ma
grow into boom If the weather continue
fair.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

BECAUSE patient of NJ. Pasteur's,
under treatment for q bite received
from n rabid wolf, has died from hydro
phobia, people say that the distin-
guished doctors discovery is worth.
less. This is going little too fast.
Perhaps they also think that because
persons who have been vaccinated
sometimes die despite that precaution,
therefore vaccination is worthless as q
preventive. An isolated instance is no
more an argument in the one case
than the other.
The Washington critic., 1886-03-24

As THE new rules of the House pro.
hibit the injection of new legislation
into a general appropriation bill we do
not see why Mr.. Nelson should be
abused for insisting upon striking such
legislation out whenever he finds 1t
there. 1t is certainly not he who Is
guilty OF violating the rules, but the
committee which allowed the new legis-
lation to go in. What is to be done
in such cases? The Indian bill con
tanned an unauthorized appropriation
of $1,000 to Captain Pratt of the Car
Isle School. 1t was there in direct
contravention of the rules. If its at
tachment to the bill was not right, how
can its elimination be wrong? The
fault, If fault there be, lies further
back than Mr.. Nelson.