The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1886-08-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

nounces that he Twill shoot any man in
America for $1,00O.' Let him take a
pop at Geronimo. Pitts6arg Clromicte.
S. S. Cox has sent fine Egyptian
mummy to this country. He probably
IS desirous of Introducing some new
features into our jury system. Io'abers
Statesman
1T is not wrong to kill dude" OBJ
served State street man last night.
-'Why not?' asked his auditor BE
cause 'All's well that ends WELL you
know. ."-RambLer
'.Ah, Johnp' she said, just before
marriage. Il fear I'm not worthy of
you. You are such a good man."
''Never mind, Martha, I'll change all
that after the wedding. ."-1Vd-Btts.
Brown was speaking of the extravag-
ance of Mime. X ''She is running her
SELL" he said. .'She's one of those wo-
men who'd sell the very hair off her
head to buy new chignonr'-French
Joke.
An opera-house in an Ohio town fell
down the other night after minstrel
company had shown there. This Incl
dent teaches that antique minstrel jokes
may be more dangerous than dynamite.
Boston Post.
Hostess-"Wh has become of Sandy
Smith, who stood so high in your class?"
Alumnus-''O, he's taken orders some
time" Hostess-'He's in the ministry,
then?' Alumnus-"No; in restau-
rant. ."-Lye.
Mrs. Societie-"This fashion maga-
zine says the male domestic servant is
rapidly disappearing from the best
houses" MIR. Societie-''Yes, and the
worst of it is. the daughters are disap-
pearing with them" :
A New York Alderman in drawing up
an acknowledgment inadvertently
wrote: Witness my hand and steal. y
The best lawyers agreed that the paper
was perfectly legal, and would not need
to be changed. -Brooklyn Eagle.
Street urchin to companion-.1 tell
yer, Patsy, who's der best perliceman
ON der force. He's der boss" Patsy
AN who's datP'' Street urchin-"I
furget what's his name. He isn't on
now; he's been discharged. ."-Loa0ell
Citizen.
Said a school examiner at South
Abingdon, Mass: when the Pilgrims
landed what did they have that was
more precious than home and friends?'
A bright-eyed little boy answered SO
promptly rs to bring down the house;
'"Popcornr'
De Lancy-"Who is that simpering
idiot who persists in staring at you
from the opposite boxP' Mrs. De
Lancy-'.Let me see; o, that's-er-el
well, I've forgotten his name, but he
used to be a husband of him. ."-Neu
Fork Judge.
The illustrated papers show that
when Aid. Jaehne arose to receive the
sentence of the court he stood with one
hand behind him. Even under the
stern ewes of justice the Alderman did
not forget his business instincts
-ArkGnsGD Traveller.
This Sunday law business is waking
all the inhabitants up. Now, for in
stance, if a young man goes to see hi;
girl just in fun Sunday. he is all right
but if he means business the grand jury
will be onto him in holy minute
Albuquerque (N. ny Democrat.
Doctor" said he, as he entered tn,
office. 81 don't know what the trouble
is, but can't sleep at night" ''Wha
is your business, my friend?' 'rm {
plumber, sir" Young man, you neeC
q clergyman. I can't undertake TO cur,
your conscience. "-NeW HdUen Nes0s
They were talking about certain
railroad man who is not the most affabl
person in the world. ''Pshawm salt
one, .'he is regular old hen." .'CCurs
he is" was the prompt answer, ''ant
he can lay more railroad track tina,
any man in the country. Washington
tCr1tic.
One of the bridegrooms of the weel
is notorious for his thrift He complain
ed of the clergyman fee. "A widowe
whom you married at Easter.' SAID he
''tells me that you charged him yer.
much less" True" said the Rev. DI
H, "but he was a regular customer. "
IoWn Topics.
Eastern young lady Ito Western youn
man)-'.We were disappointed IN nc
getting cards to your sisters wedding
Mr.. Breezy. Were there any cards?
Mr.. Breezy -'Well-er. sister didn'
play any, but some of us had little 8
limit after the minister got away" "
,NeW York Sun.
'.Yes," mused old Mr. Bently, 81 hol
my years well. This is my list birth
day. If my parents were living the
would each be over 100 years old" Il
it possible" was the surprised response
mo wonder you hold your years well
Mr. Bently, you come of such a long
lived family. ."-NeW York Times.
Bagley-"Only little party. my dea
coming" Ponsonby-"With pleasure
That's right. And-or-by the way
you play the flute, believer" ''Yes
Shall - Leave it at home? Yo
have anticipated my very words. Ye
by all means. ~ Philadelphia Call.
An OHIO farmer, unable to extricat
himself from some burning brush, cal
ed aloud for help. A hired man stano
ing by refused to 60 to the rescue unles
the farmer paid him So which he allege
was due. The farmer, denying til
debt, had his legs and arms badly burr
ed. Not every creditor thus gives hi
debtor roast
'1'Ye perfect antipathy for tn
mountains" said Mrs. Gush to Mrs
Parvenu as they sat talking together o
the summcr-hotel piazza. ..Have you?
said Mrs. Parvenu. "Well, I've a
Alpine stick, and the man said it w;
Just the thing; but Pm sorry now,
didn't buy an antipathy like yours!"-
Boston journal.
Two tramps, man and his wifi
have recently been making a good lii
ing in Scotland by means of their bab
"We just gets i'm christened," says tn
father, "at all the towns we passes, an
then, We see, parson, he makes us a
comfortable wi summat to eat an
money for beds. On days orful BAT
we has to do i'm twice"
First stranger-"You are profe
sional man, are you not. sir?" Secon
stranger-..No, sir" First stranger
al beg pardon. judged from yol
thoughtful air that you are a profe
sional man." Second stranger-'.I ru
four aces up against a straight tius
last night, and I've been thought
ever since. ."-Neao York Sun.
How would you proceed to find o.
the age of tree?" asked a teacher la
week, and the answer came back fro
one of the scholars: Il should first fir
out when it was planted" Another il
structor said: ''Give an example of
.flesh-eating animal" and the reply wa
without circumlocution or evasion, g