Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-09-09
WIT AND HUMOR.


Nowadays man who goes to WASH
ington and gets back is called states
man.-Macon (Ga.) Telegraph.
Amateur photographer-"Yes. she Is
quite charming woman. BY the way,
did you know got an excellent mega
tive of her the other day?" Friend who
knows him-"Well. by jove, don't
blame her. "-HarJort Post.
A Chicago man. recently back from
Europe, was asked what he thought of
the scenery in Switzerland. IL don't
think much of it., he said; ..it's too
billy. Give me Illinois for scenery every
time. Indianapolis Journal
A newly-converted reporter thus
notices minstrel troupe: For those
who do not consider it sin to witness
minstrel shows this entertainment will
furnish pleasant relaxation from re-
vival meetings. "-Kunkers Revieso.
81 am sorry l wasn't at your fathers
funeral. Miss Mollie." Faith, and you
didn't miss much. 1t was very quiet.
Beer at the wake and only one band at
the cemetery. You know father always
detested any ceremony like. Puck.
There is man 20 years old living in
Athens who purchased his first pair of
shoes Friday. This is long time to 90
barefooted, but it must be considered
that the man has been shoemaker
during this time. Columbus (Ga.) En-
Quirer.
Rusticps-"Waiter l hear that tips
are very popular in these here city eat
ing-housesp" Water Gin expectancy)-
Eyes, sab, they is. sah." Rusticus-
"Well, you may bring me plate of
'em. Durn'd if don't 90 the whole
businessr'-Iid-B Bits.
Summer boarder-'sYou have re-
markably fine lot of chickens, see"
Farmer-"Yes. and, Mr.. SPHINX, you
may not believe it, but those chickens
seldom die. Why, whenever we want
one to eat we generally have to go out
| and kill il, It'd Bits.
Hardacre was YEARLY Watching a
most villainously poor game of base
ball. what clubs are theyP" he asked
They are picked nines." replied
scorer. Then" said the suffering
spectator, .'they were picked before
they were ripe. "-BrookIym Eagle.
At Hotel Bungtown-on-the-Sea -
Colored chambermaid to lady just ar
| rived: 'Yes'm, we've been 'spectin'
| you. Yore rooms ready, an all you's
plumbers dispacked an ranged. Bed
| aired? Yesnl, | seed to dat. slep' in
it fur de las free nights myself. It'd
Bits.
She-"John, why do you spend so
much time at the ball games? l hear
of your being there every time they
play. Don't you consider it waste of
time and money! Heavens,
Alicia, don't you want me to have some
sort of standing in the business world?"
| -Iid-B,t
Customer-"Was that carbonate of
soda you gave me about ten minutes
ago?" Drug clerk Cooking at a bottle)
why, no; how stupid of me! 1t was
strychnine. I'll change the bottle back
again, and l hope the mistake will not
occur again. Good-day. sir. "-Phila-
delphia ITEM
Audi alteram partem-"Constant
Reader is quite right in thinking that
something may be said on both sides;
but we draw the line at manuscript.
| AT last advices his communication was
slumbering sweetly among the rejected
poems that crowd our waste basket
Boston Transcript.
Extract from young Newport swelrs
note to friend: Sorry Can't bee in
| troduced two Your sister This afternoon,
mi Valet left mi Three o'clock Suit in
new York an kouldent Go out in a
Checked suit Then. Orfully sorry.
Faithfully yours, Algernon BERTHE Silly"
-Nea0 York Mail.
The water carts of Lowell are decora-
ted with patent medicine advertise
ments. An innocent Irishman from the
rural districts looked at one the other
day and remarked: Faith, it's no
wonder Lowell is healthy whin they
wather the streets with IS Sarsa-
parllla. "-Lol0eU Citizen
Bebe is given two oranges because
she has behaved well. Come" said
her mother, don't be grec'y. Give
one of them to your little brother"
Bebe, with very good grace, holds out
the fruit to her brother. "You may
choose" said she, "but don't take the
biggest one. Paris Figaro.
There is much discussion as to the
propriety of putting "boodle" into the
dictionary. AS it would have to come
under the head of b. and consequently
| after Alderman. and as it is we'll known
that Alderman is always after ''boodle,"
it would, we think, look very much out
| of place - Yonkers Statesman.
Eastern drummer Ito st. Louis mer-
chant)-"That was pretty bad failure
! of Isaac Stein?' Merchant-"Pad?
Veil. you vas right it vas. 1t vas de
worst failure of de season. His CREDIT
ors made him bay seventy-fve cents on
de dollar. 1t is peter to stay in pees-
ness as to fail like dot. Puck
The Buffalo Courier claims that the
word programme is misspelled when
| given in this shape, program. Yet
we see the Courier uses the word tele-
| gramme in similar shape-viz.: .'tele-
gram" Also diagramme and mono
| gramme and others. Will the Courier
please explain the determinations
Elmira Advertiser.
Here's story about n coin which
man marked with his initials coming
back to him after an absence of twenty
three years. Queer, wasn't it?" 30,
don't know, Bromley passed coin
in bazaar at Constantinople thirty
years ago and" 1T came back to
you" THE same afternoon, Brom-
ley. 1t was counterfeit. "-Philadel-
qhia Call.
May to Flora (both daughters of law
yers)-"O, Flora! have just received a
love-letter from my Charlie, and papa
forbids the correspondence, and / do
want SO much to keep his letter; so what
shall do to keep papa from getting FTP"
Flora-"Why, May, find it the safest
to put such secrets in my fathers law
books. They are never disturbed there"
- Washington Critic.
Man Ito friend)-''You didn't seem
to treat that gentleman with politeness. I"
Friend-'I spoke rather roughly, adj
nit" Man-"You have changed to-
ward him. The other day saw you
cordially shaking hands with him. :"
Friend-"Yes, he owed me then, but he
has paid me; consequently you see that
am no longer under obligations to
him. "-ArkdnSdU 1rdyeler.
Carlotta is much interested just now
in learning to tell time, and, coming in
from her kindergarten the other day,
said: Mamma, Julia can tell the time
always except when it's quarter of, and