Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1886-03-24
WIT AND HUM0R.

WIT AND HUMOR.
A fish that can be weighed by his
own scales is wanted by the Detroit
Free Press.
"This is a long tramp" said the
policeman as he ran in six foot
vagrant.-Ex.
The most appropriate kind of gas
for evening use-night-rogen.-Lon'
don Funny Folks.
1t is not considered necessary in
society to return n bill collectors call
Courier.
Chivalry: No, the knights of old
did not carry their armor about the
country in mail bags.-Ex.
A petrified clock has been found in
Rome. Another inclination of hard
time.-Pittsburgh Chronicle.
We suppose a firm of proof read
ers could be properly called the
"house of correction. Detroit Free
Press.
Sophronia asks: "Did people in
olden times know anything of sleigh
ing?" Yes, the ancient warriors used
to go out Staying in chariots.-Bos-
ton Courier.
Five million needles recently sunk
with an ocean steamer to the bottom
Of the sea. We hope the mermaids
will take the hint and make them
selves some clothes.-Burlington Free
Press.
A Philadelphia man predicts the
end of the world three centuries
hence. 1t seems a pity that the
world must come to an end just as
Philadelphia is likely to amount tc
something.-Puck.
A well known Mrs. Malaprop in
Washington society in speaking of O
young friend said lately: 81 alway:
felt especial interest in Mrs. - be.
cause she had post mortem child
AWashington Chronicle.
Country Aunt.-"It must be terri
BILE hard work dancing at a full dres;
ball."
City niece, dressed for the ball
at is very fatiguing."
Country aunt: 81 thought so, see
ing as you're almost stripped to the
waist for it."-Boston Courier.
Two wretched looking tramps were
brought up before Texas justice Of
peace. Addressing the worst looking
one, the justice asked: "Where dc
you live ?" Nowhere" "And where
do you liver" said the justice, ad-
dressing the other. "I've got the
room above im."-Texas Siftings.
81 guess, sister, you needn't bother
about having the parlor swept out
to-day" was the remark of an ALE
gheny youth as he started to school,
"What OH earth do you mean,
George?" "Well, / heard father tell
mother that if that young man Of
yours came tonight he'd wipe the
floor with him. East End Bulletin
Captain De Boots, who has recent.
ly returned from Egypt and married
remarks: Cali may be fair in love
and war sometimes, though he'll be
hanged if he's ever discovered any
thing fair in love; it's a regular
swindle. In war fellah does know
occasionally what he's after; but in
love all the fighting comes after the
engagement, and a fellah gets no rest
at ALL" It's ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Fun.
Ethelberta: 81 want a pair OF
slippers for pa. Number tens, please
and squeaky."
Genial shoemaker: "Squeaky
missi Pm afraid we haven't any OF
that kind"
Ethelberta: 81 am so sorry
Couldn't you make him a squeaky
pair? There is certain young gen
tleman who visits me frequently, and
and it would be very convenient
for him to know just when pa is
coming.-Philadelphia Call.
Don't you want to go to the better
world, Tommy?" asked the Sunday
school teacher Of the new scholar
"No num- promptly replied the
frank little fellow. "And why not
Tommyw "Oh, when / die, l want
to 60 where feller can rest" "Well
my boy, you can rest there" "Well
in that song we sung it said we'd all
shine there Certainly; +; don't you
want to shine there" "No, mum;
don't want to shine there. | gel