Smyrna times., 1886-06-02
Fancies Gathered from the Most
Wonderful Scrap Book of the
Age. Patent Secured.

Let's start a newspaper" said a
witty and jovial newspaper man to me
the other day.
But 1 have nothing to start one
on" said l.
1t takes nothing he replied, ex-
cept perhaps a weeks board"
l laughed heartily at the joke, upon
which he interrupted me by saying
it was no joke, and then proceeded to
tell me how the thing was done.
You know" said he, that patent
papers are just as common now as
patent medicines. You can go to an
establishment in New York, and pick
out any kind of a suit you want.
Miles of stereotyped columns are laid
out in galleys, which you can inspect
You will find all styles of bulletins,
cuts, stories, letters and cuttings to
suit the most fastidious taste. Just
mention what you would like to name
your paper, and the bulletin is made
| for you at short notice. Before you
| get home you can have five hundred, a
/ thousand, or just as many copies as you
wish ready for circulation, and you
need not have contributed a stroke of
the pen to it.
"Such a paper" he continued, sis
called a patent paper. 1t has patent
insides, patent outsides, patent cuts,
advertisements and editorials. OF
course, you naturally want ads, foI
there is where your profit lies. All
that is needed, then, is an editor with
patent cheek to 90 about and tell
enormous lies about the circulation
and backing of the sheet, and thus
scoop in the subscriptions and the ads
We we will have plenty of time to dc
this, for the whole composition and ed
iting is done to order in New York
and nothing is left to do, except the
labor of getting the ads. and sending
them on, together with a lying, sensa
tional editorial or two"
Such IS a patent paper-patent from
top to bottom, and the editor has pat
ent brains, patent cheek, patent gal
and a'patent conscience. Oh, it is
daisy! One lies before me and tn
country is full of them. TO say tina
these sheets steal their matter from
genuine papers without ever dreaming
of giving them credit for it, is needless
They even boldly print the lie owe
their stolen wares that the articles ar
original.
But, honorable newsdealer, woul
you believe that the great America
News Co., headed by the piOus St. Pat
rick Farrelly would descend to uh
: dirty work of using one of these paten
frauds and journalistic forgeries, fo
the purpose Of crushing out an homes
} and meritoriOus journal that refuse
to kiss Patrick's great toe? l hold i
} my hand one of these patent bastard
t called The Terds Scrap Book. 1t
! handled exclusively by the America
, News Co., and its published lists {
s agents are exclusively the satraps
Farrelly. Now, if this lying, thievin
abortion Of a sheet is not a trick {
/ sneak into the shoes of Teras Siftin,
= and break it down, then all the ord
e nary conditions by which we smell
rat are singularly huddled up t.
a gether.
y Dealers well know that the monol
o oily has been trying every possible trio
d of late, to injure Terds Siftjngs, b
S cause that popular paper will not !
0 down servilely and do its bidding.
= is not delivered regularly, and Il
e whole programme of Farrelly's cul
/. ming devices to destroy it is IN oper
e tion, Now comes The Terds Scrt
e R0Ok, with patent insides, outside
brains, cheek, gall and conscience.
e even looks as though it was print,
with patent ink, and it is certain
IS sent in patent wrappers. Its wOnde
is full editor, way down in Housto
,e Texas, is undoubtedly patent ma
1r and I am looking for a patent directo
Of to see whether he has any existen
e, at all.
Of 1t is patent upon contemplate
such signs of our patent civilizati
)t that somebody will yet be sprinkl
d with patent holy water. laid away
s a patent coffin, and fetch up in
a patent heaven, to find that he W
'e born with a patent soul.-The NeD
le man,