The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-05-29
Troubles of a Saloon Keeper.

eyenin' we wuz spending. The mite
Wuz cold and chill ana the wind wuz
whistlin drearily through the dark
bnt the cheelinis NV the weather out
side only made it better for US. The
stOve wuz full NV wood, and red hot
IN top, diffusin heat. wich is life.and
Bascum, yielding to the seductive in
ho0ences Of comfort that wuz in the
place, he'd hot water on the stove and
Mrs. Bascum mixed with her fair
hand the hot punches which ever and
anon we ordered.
"What happy life yoors is, Bas-
cnm," sed Kernel M'Pelter.
Happy" remarkt Issaker Gavitt.
II shood say so. Nuthin to do but
sell likKer at a profit of 200 per cent.
aud evry customer yoo git ded shoor
a. t;r, y, ---s.----------s as---.---
"Gentlemen," sed Bascum, ,onbend-
ing, fur he wuz dirnkin hot whiskey
too. "there IL advantages in runnin a
wet grocery but it haz its drorbax. 1t
is troo, that there is 200 percent profit,
or would be eff you git pade for it. A
ingenious youth comes to my bar,
which hez a small farm and gets to
takin his sustenance. That wood be
all rite for me eff he Good only take
his sustenance and take care OF his
farm at the same time. But he don't
and whenever the necessity NV takin
sustanance begins to be regler, jest
when he mite be NV the most yose to
me, l have notist ther wuz alluz a
fallin off in his corn crop. Corn won't
grow unless you plant it, hoe and
tend it; and man wich becomes a
regler customer Nv mine don't plant,
hoe and tend to advantage.
"Then. not heving corn to sell he
can't pay for likker, and ez he must
have it he goes on tick, and finally
mortgages his place. Troo,I alluz git
the place, but it wood do better for
me if he Good keep on working it,
spending the proceeds at my bar.
There is very few men wich ken do
this,
"And then deth is another drorbax
to my biznis. Eff man Good only
drink regler and live to be seventy il
wood be wuth while. But they don't
do it. They are cut off by the crooel
hand of deth jest when they git to be
yoosful to me. This one goes of liver
disease, tother one Nv kidney trouble,
rhoomatism sets inland knocks one
NV 'em off his pins, softenin' Nv the
brane kills another"
Joe Bigler, who jist dropped in,
doubted the last disease. mo man
wich had a brane to soften wood tech
the stuff" said he.
"And them" continyooed Bascum
"ther is chronic diarrer. and eff one
NV 'em gets hurt he never gets over
it, and then bronkeetis comes in on
'em and dyspepsy-wat good is man
for work wich hez dyspepsy ?-and
there are SO many diseases that hits
the man which takes hizzen reglerly,
that they die altogether too early.
Them ez holds on can't work after a
certain time, and them as don't have
the cOnstitooshin to hold on perish
like the lilies of the valley jist when
they git regler enuff to be profitable.
"And then other trubbles interferes
with me. When moo man gifts too
full he quarrels and comes to an end
from injoodishusnis. l have been in
this room twenty-five years and l
hev seen MORN a dozen NY my best
customers, some of 'em wuth two dol.
lars day to me, stretched out on the
floor with bullet holes or nife wounds
into 'em. 1t was hard blow when
Bill Rutledge wuz killed rite where
Deerskin is sittin. He spent on an
average NV $4 day with me, and he
wuz snuffed out in mint. And
then they hung Sam Kittridge, wat
shot him, and ther wuz another Nv
about the same. Both on 'em, had
they lived, wood hev bin my meat
for years, for they wuz both strong
men and Good have endoored pile
NV it.
"Ther are other trubbles. 1t is moi
pleasant to hev men inflamed with
likker beatin each other over the heds
with bottles and tumblers, for 1t de-
stroys glassware and furnitoor is apt
to be broken. have often wished
had a kind of whiskey wich don't
make maniacs Nv them wich drink
it, but / never saw any of that kind,
/ have often seen a dozen rOllin on
the floor tu wunst. and when they
come to draw pistols and shooting
permiskus, it amt pleasant nor prof.