Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1886-11-04
HnmOr for the Rows


the Rochester Express, who could keen
within moderate bounds when asked to
give free expression to his desires.
That was boyish companion, who, when
asked what he would ask for if a fairy
should grant him three wishes, pondered
solemnly a moment and answered: IT
would wish for a nice new pocket-book.
Then l would wish for So to put in it.
Then," after long pause, II would wish
for a fine Limerick fish-hook." When
we broke into roar of laughter at this
climax, he was dazed for moment, and
then wave of regret swept over his face
and he exclaimed: ooh, gosh! why did l
not wish for two?"
Now, isn't it true that you went to
this girls father and tried to settle the
case against the defedant?" asked Law
yer-of a dark-skinned witness during
the recent session of court. yes sab, I
did sah,' was the darky's prompt reply.
''Oh, you did," spoke up the counselor,
you acted the peacemaker: are YOU a
peacemaker by occupatian?" mo, sah."
earnestly replied the witness, ''I's a brick
maker" And the judge joined in the
smile.
The Widow Flapjack got a new board
er the other day. At the first meal he
took he chOked and had terrible time
trying to swallow some coffee. 'What's
the matter stranger?" she asked kindly.
Nothing, except that coffee went down
the wrong way" "Good heavens! 'tisn't
possible that [ have secured a boarder
with two throats!" exclaimed Mrs. Flap
jack, who has been complaining bitterly
of the amount of food a man with only
one throat can destroy.
II am afraid, Bobby" said his moth
er, when I tell your papa what anaugh-
tY boy you've been to to-day, he will
punish you severely" "Have you got
to tell him?" asked Bobby, anxiousIy.
"Oh, yes; shall tell him immediately
after dinner" The look of concern
on Bobby's face deepened, until a bright
thought struck him. E'Weu ma" he said
give him a better dinner than usual
You might 60 that much for me-
French wits are never tired of throw
ing hot shot at their Heighbors across the
channel. An EngIishman thus writes to
French friend: II am delighted at the
recollection of the pleasant hours I have
passed with you in France If you visit
England come at once to my honse-and
L will direct you to a very good hotel"
One day, when Mr.. Potts was being
shown the Roman baths, the attendant
drew out glass of water and handed it
to Mr.. Potts who tasted it. 'How old do
you say this spring isl" about three
thousand years DID," replied the attend
ant eff you could put drop of whisky
in it, equally old, it would be a decided
Improvement"
Spindler Quoting With half my ap-
petite, good dame, my leather doublet
would be a feast indeed! Servant-I'm
glad you feel that way, sir, for missus
wanted me to tell you that she's lost the
mallet and the stake ant quite so much as
common.
A small boy who was struggling with
a large umbrella came to his mother in
grief. Mamma he said, emphaicaIly, !
you must take me downtown at once
and get me measured for a new umbrella !
This one is entirely too large fer me-
The man who can roll baby-carriage |
down Fifth avenue and really be able to
place his hand on his heart and say that he |
is enjoying himself may be a most estim-
able person, but he will never be president !
of the United States.-Puck.
Dumley Robinson, want your advice.
Brown, hear has referred to me as an
idiot. What had [ better do?
Robinson (thoughtfuIly) We'll, Dumley, |
I think you ought to make him take back |
that word INSPIRED"
Boston has a young man with two
hearts. It is supposed ''they beat as one"
Should he divide his hearts wiah two
young ladies, we don't suppose either of |
the latter would be satisfied. They would |
call him heartless wretch despite the |
surplus of cardiac organ.
A Pennsylvania landlord seized baby |
as security for rent. He explains that,
being bachelor, he did not have any ex-
perience, and he is now willing to give
up the baby and pay handsome bonus.
"Did you hear that Tompkins had fail
ed?" "Has he? [ know be has been in
bad odor for some time" 'It's all right |
new, for he hasn't got cent"
If people who mean to begin to read
should read all the advice to readers
about reading they wouldn't have time to
read anything else.
"Out of the fuIlness of the heart the
month speaketh," as fogg remarked VIII en-
hearts were trumps and he 'Ordered it
M"