Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-07-11
MbssIias Reyisttr.
THE SANE FOR ALL.
No DIVERSITY NECESSARY IN THE MAR
RAGE SERVICE
CrioG6ss Of 3 Osrgmans Experience Of
Twenty-Five Ysars-Ths Minister'S
Venerable Little Joke heklsS
the Nervous Bride
Nsy York nmes

Ns,g York TIHleS
.T have married 80 many girls that thu
ceremony no longer causes me the least
emotion. - said the gentleman sauvely. But
the confidential friend in the cosy little
study knew that the speaker wore white
cravat and clerical black coat, so that there
Was nothing abnormal in his statement
He had merely married so many girls to
an equal number of the other sex. In iae''
be was reverend.
.'For the last twenty-five years, con-
tinned the minister, looking into the an
thracite of his fireplace dreamily. Il have
been marryihg couples in my drawing
room mn stairs until the carpet has become
threadbare under bridal feet ana the DOCKS
have grown brown with age and the hnger-
marks of couples eagerly awaiting my au-
vent. IL there ever n week that paSSf
without my uniting a couple! Never: (
am eternally tying poor humanity INTO
Knots which can never be undone. Several
fimes each week | am visited by those VINO,
tor reasons of their own, cannot mrrry At
home. or decline to do so on the ground OF
ohieetinQ to commonplace, milk-and-water
nnntial celebrations. have married all
classes of people, from the children OF the
1realthiest metropolitan parents to the on
snrin0 of the INDECENT. Well, my good SIR,
amer two wears practice will call II
nraetiee as there Is something legal about
ID decided that the Adams and Ewes on
their wedding day were all alike; that L
eanld adopt one method of treatment for
the rich and poor; that | need only stereo-
tive one set of remarks for the occasion.
have saved myself good deal OF trouble.
An nv dear good sir, time Is money, Save
II when YOU can; hoard it up; don't let It
slip away"
The reverend gentleman was losing the
thread Of his discourse IN his enuetvor 10
pOint a moral, but recalled himself, ana
once more settled his gaze into the inrlu
anthracite.
'sNow," he continued,
s'I'IL TELL YOU Ny TREATMENT,
which. as nearly as possible, is always the
same. Suppose l am sitting reading IN my
library after dinner, and that l have en-
loved INV repast so much and 1t has Sooth-
ed INV nerves so utterly that L begin TO
floze. / don't say that is invariably the
case: but suppose it for the moment. Ihen
suppose awake with start at the SOunu
of voices beneath my window, and hear
some such conversation rs this:
"'Ring the bell, dear'-trom man;
HfOh John, l don't like to. lie. he.
Won ring it. love-he! he! Oh! I'm get
tinO 40 nervous. feel rs though L should
frop'-needleSS to say from woman.
ssWeu. don't let US stand out here all
night catching cold. I'll ring lt'-lrom
smother man. very matter of fact.
SsNow. he'sruns it. We're in for 1t. lie,
he'-from the firit twain.
'SWell suppose this does not cause me
the least merriment in the world. am so
completely accustomed TO II that | cannot
even remember the time whea II was a
novelty. merely rub my eyes to wake
myself mn completely and await develop
mepts They come very rapidly. My house
maid Jeminla enters with her best sunday
expression of eOuntenance on, and says IN
n whisDer. please, sir, couple OF tOlkS
Il down stairs waiting to see you. lhey
saws if Won viii kindly come down rs soon
os Won can. as they are in hurry.
AT siOh not because | am annoyed, but
hecanse I am in the habit of signing. al
ways wonder how il is that can look SO
calmly ON the performance OF ceremony
rbicb once used to cause me much emotion.
.Tsmin,a. too. is perfectly unconcerned.
You would expect that q domestic VINO
generally looks upon matrimonY Is the
consumation of everything romantic ana
nOvel-like, would come IN glgglng ana
blushing But Jemima has been with me
twenty-five years, and is wise IN her gener-
atiop. She has seen the cOmely brides who
visited me at the beginning OF that period
dpvelop into lat. middle-aged matrons, WITH
NO thoughts beyond boiled legs Of mutton
and how TO live on nothing year, and do
Il nicely, with appearances, ana JENNA
has remained single to open the door 10
Matrimonial aspirants. Well, to resume. .
After the sigh grid up my IONS, tell Je-
raima to take the visitors 10 the drawing
roOnl. and TO say that shall be with them
in a few moments. Then | 60 on with the
hool, I had started to read when began to
aoze. You see like them to get little
imnatieut. for although l may be uncon-
-,e-ne1 myself think il extremely impOr-
font that the young couple who are taxing
such a serious step should be-
As NERVOUS AND EXCITED As POSSIBLE,
and they invariably are. At the end OF
the ten minutes leave my study, descend
she stairs with easy sOlcmnity and little
ereaking. open the drawing-rOOm door,
stand for one second on the threshold and
then enter with dignity. nearly always
see the bride in my arm chair away from
the rest. leaning her head on her hand and
decking at nv nearly threadbare carpet.
Tse BRIDEGROOM is pretending that he is as
nncOncerned as though he had been mar
ried daily for the last twenty years, ana Is
talking and laughing with the witnesses,
who gap and look relieved when they see
my figure in the doorway.
The reverend gentleman looked at HIM
se1f i'm a mirror, invested himself with the
,,orrset matrimonial look, and then proceed
"A. 0When enter say, cheerfully, but
nv no means with jOlhty, Well, | think |
-, Ouess TO what l am indebted for the
bonoT Of this visit. The bride bushes and
1ooks GOV: the witnesses look at one another
and litter. and the bridegroom rises and
saws nervously:
ssW-well-er-er-the fact Is, doctor
fhat is 10 say-,r-thA lady-hOw
foolish I AMI mean both of us-together,
& conrse-gant--er -er-get married
ii then glance at them both sternly, as
though I would burn out any secrets with
nv ewes. Then when | have made them
both uncomfortable, withdraw the screws
md become willingly aflable.
AM / say pleasantly, 30 that II, Is
AZ You might do worse, young people. l
beNeve in marriage, you knOw-that Is to
aay. marriages, properly undertaken. They
ne made in heaven, think. may here
cav that some people object To that senti-
ment. though generally give it utteranee.)
Nov. sir. say, turning 10 the bridegroom,
: word with you. Let US come into the
next room
''The bride p0uts at this, and asks If
ehs cannot come with us and being told
that Il is not necessary, she goes on pOut-
ing Then / obtain points and necessary
details from the bridegroom, after which
return to the drawing-rOOm for the bride
and the witnesses, and prepare for the ne
eessary signing and formslity.