Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-08-08
NOT A THROMER.
Woman's Deficiencies and Eccentricities
as q Thrower,

"otah Dencienctes anu Eccentrtctt1eS
as a Thrower,
Chicago hter-Oc
Had Paris seen Helen attempt to shoe a
cow out of the back yard it is safe to state
that the Trojan war would never have been
waged, and Homer would have been
Obliged to take the Haymarket riot for an
Epic. Had Antony seen Cleopatra
chase a street car down a dusty avenue
OF Cairo it is also safe to state that he
would have fled disenchanted back to
Octavia; and the divorce court law
yer-"decree quietly secured; no publici-
ty"-wOuld never have made cent from
him. Had Dante seen Beatrice fire half
brick at the vandal hen which prospected
for seeds in her flower bed every spring, it is
again safe to say he would have sent back her
notes, her white mouse penwiper, the lava
smoking set with merry Christmas" pain
ted across the stern, and discontinued that
rocky cOurtship which he subsequently
celebrated in his poem known as ''The In
fernO.r
In the three situations given above, the
average woman is grand, massive, Titanic,
incOmprehensible. The man who witnesses
these feminine moods from the weather side
Of the high board fence and does not stand
with head barred, hushed, and awestricken,
has no poetry in his soul. In all she is
great, but in the brick-thrOwing act she
is greatest-and most dangerous There is
"A physiological reason for this. 1t Is not
her fault that an ambulance wagon has to
be rung up after her brick-thrOwing moods,
nor that this kind Of exercise always ere
ates furry and an upward tendency in
the windOw-glaSs market. She cannot
help aiming At the hen and bringing down
the usual inOffensive citizen in the next
yard. Her shoulders were not rightly
constructed for ball tossing, and in the hurry
incident upon laying the citizen she ire
quently fOrgetS to consult her handbook
on throwing, and makes the left
hand do all the labor in
stead OF the right, rs laid down by the au-
thOritieS Nor is she mentally constituted
for base ball pitcher. Many husbands
who are not right minded sneer ut their
wives weakness of mental grasp in not be
ing able to distinguish between mutila-
ted and jumped on umpire and three base
hit. These nice Subtleties of the game
may be thus lost TO her but it is not her
fault. Her gray brain matter is not put up
that way, INTELLECTUALLY speaking, any
more than her shoulder Is built to bring
confusion and death to cows.
Ii will lie observed by all who take the
trouble to attend base ball game, i'll the
interest of science, that the best thrOwcrS
have very square shoulders, and the should
erS OF some are higher ut the corners than
near the neck In these latter the clavlcle
tends upwards as it leaves the spinal col
umn. a circumstance which allows free
play Of the arm in any direction. Where
rs, rs seen in lady'S skeleton, the Shout
der-blade slopes down like u tObOggan
slide and oycrlaps the aTm-sOckct i'll 4
manner which prevents her lifting her
arm without cracking her ShOulder-blade
or bursting out seam in her basque,
either of which is calculated to discharge
good craftsmanship.
With Il view To aiding those good people
dodge who have never seen lady make
her famous line throw the above panorama
OF the battlefield is presented, which may
be Of use to the large class now inclined TO
take risk called by the insurance compan-
les extra hazardous In the centre, at
the point marked w" is the woman,
hidden from view by large hat, The
object AT the top, which looks like Il
June bug, is the diagram Of the
upper deck of COW, which on
this occasion kindly and with per
feet safety poses Is Il target. - indt-
GATES the stone in the female catapult's
fair hand. That section OF the bloody
arena lying within the are \ b is, rs Sug-
geStcd in the diagram, the part wherein
black devastation does not stalk. That
spot is to the puzzled brick dOdger what
the cyclone cellar Is to the citizen of Iowa
and the beer cellar is to tho citizen OF Mil
waulee. place of refuge, with which to
be- on very intimate terms in times of grief.
Outside this narrow wedge, in that part OF
the circle which suggests 4 huckleberry
pie after 4 boy has tOyed with it mo-
mcnt, is where an accident insurance
policy becomes Il family necessity. 1t
should be Stunned rs though bill cOllcc-
tor mrkcd behind every bush. To iOrtiiy
the above scientific stand il is only ncccS-
sary to drag in the muse with 4 pair of ice
tongS and quote the little gem below, which
has long gladdened the hearts of the toiling
male millions:
cir! will sing and girl will dance,
And a girl will work crochet.
But she can't throw stone and hit II church,
Because she amt built that way.