The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1886-07-24
ALLEGED HTHOR.

An exchange says that "a race of
hairless Americans Is probable"
Please give place and date; also prizes
and excursion rates.-Burhngto Free
Press.
BECAUSE hairpin is useful to
woman as q toothpick, button-hook,
and hair-fastener is no excuse Tor hav-
ing one in your vest pocket when your
wife doesn't know where it comes
from.
A WESTERN firm, 1t ls said, guaran-
tee wife to every man who purchases
OF them a suit of clothes. What this
country needs is somebody to guaran-
tee a suit of clothes to every man who
gets wife.
HELLO, LIE Diggs, what are you
doing now?" "Tm keeping a hotel,
now. De Wigs" "Ahl What plan?"
European plan "And of course
European lots of cash?" "Le Diggs
fainted.-Harrford Post.
A MAN in New York recently COM
mitted suicide by pushing a handker-
chief down his throat. Ancient histo-
ry informs us that Cleopatra, the
dusky beauty, also committed suicide
with wiper. ."-Norristown Herald.
"MERCY on me, Mary, where have
you been? The back OF your dress is
covered with dust. You have not
been sitting on the front door steps,
hope?" "No, ma. | couldn't get the
piano stool high enough, so | put the
big Bible on it,"
''PA," said little Jack Jinson, who
always had his ears open but some
times got things slightly mixed, "does
'whisker cocktail make your mus
tache grow?" "No, my son; it makes
sponse.-Drake's Travellers Maya
zine.
"WE had diamond wedding down
at our house the other day, " said Mrs.
Skuse, the boarding-house keeper, to
her friend, Mrs. Masuffin. "Indeed You
don't say? It must have been inter
esting." eyes, it was. The first-base-
mans sister got married to the short
stop"
Mrs. MoNTAGUE-Why, Mary Ann,
what is your reason for leaving us so
suddenly? Don't you like the place?
Mary Ann-Yes, ma'am, the place is
very we'll and you do your best; but
your dresses are miserable fit for me
and so just made up my mind to
leave this day.
EASTERN young lady Ito Western
young man)-We were edisappointed in
not getting cards to your sisters we'd
ding, Mr.. Breezy. Were there no
cards? Mr.. Breezy-Well-er, sister
didn't play any, but some OF us had a
| 10 hn fynf
away.-New York Sun.
SMITH-Are the whisky and cigars all
right? Brownies, they're under the
seat. Smith-And thelunch? Brown
That's under the seat, too. Smith
And the hooks and lines? Brown
By iove! | forgot them entirely.
Smith-That's too bad. Well, | sup
pose we'll have to get along the best
we can without them.-Life.
OPENING sentence OF Ella Wheeler
Wilcox's story OF Perdita, now pub
| lished IN book form: Leaning over
| the broken stile, Just at the edge OF q
wood, girl stood straining her eyes
through the gatheringgloom." Oh the
whole this was better than If the dear
girl had strained her eyes through q
sieve. buffalo Express.
| AN Atlanta, Ga, reporter, who once
pulled hand press" on country
weekly, tells this: One day while the
paper was being worked off, man
| from the country came in and walked
around the room, finally stopping
near the press and watching the work
very earnestly. Anything | can do
for your" asked the man at the lever,
pausing between impressions. "Naw,"
was the reply; 81 don't want nothin';
| lis come in to see you edit"
A CoUNTRYMAN strolled into the Pc
troleum exchange yesterday and
watched the proceedings with great in
terest. "What are they doing?" he in
quired OF Frank Tack. Buying and
selling oil, replied Mr.. Tack indulgent-
ly. "What's oil worth ?" "Sixty five
cents a barrel" "What ~ whispered
the countryman, with suppressed ex-
element, "only 65 cents? You buy
me all you can git, mister; the barTeis
alone'll fetch morn that ."-Puck.
AMERICAN JUNIOR. Mr.. Hopeful Ito
young Hopeful, home from Harvard)
Thomas, may | ask how much
your cigars cost you?" Tom-"Twelve
dollars hundred, governor usual
ly get thousand at q time and get
them somewhat cheaper" Mr.. H
"Wha-what? Twelve dollars? Why
I've got to be satisfied with tobies my
self" Tom-"That's business, COVER
nor. Ii | had as many children to
educate as youhave, Wouldn't smoke
at all. ."-Pittsburg ChrOnicle-Tele-
graph.