Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1886-01-14
AN ENGLISHMAN'S EXPERI-
ENCE.

"Yaas, blawsted roomy country. |
shouldn't call it country. either; l
should call it world, ye know But
cawn't you regulate your railroads in
American What mean, is, cawn't You
ave an official railway map with the
government seal-something reliable for
foreigners, ye know, and stop these
blawsted fakirs with their bloody maps
and hair linesp''
The reporter inquired whether the
travelled Englishman had suffered NOR
ally. mentally or physically because OF
the American dispensation regarding
railroad maps and air lines.
'.Well, fancy, We know. In Chicago,
at the Grand Pacific, man asks for
ticket to Cincinnati, and all the reply
he gets is Big Fourp' At iirst,ye know,
1 tancied the booking hagent had mis-
taken me for one of your Big Four
minstrels, and l was properly him
suited"
"You certainly don't look like a
burnt-cork comedian"
''Rayther not, ye know; and the
booking hagent did the quite correct
apology, and explained about the rail-
way attachments of the four big cities
indicated ON his bloody map. 'ope
never to see another St. Leger run if
the Large Four Railway wasn't laid
down on a dead straight bangle of
forty-five degrees between Chicago and
| Cincinnati 1t looked on the bloody
map to be the only railway connecting
the two cities, and l booked that way,
ye KNOW"
''Nico road, too"
.'Yaas; but presently found myself
in Chicago, at the Palmer 'ouse, and
when asked for Cincinnati ticket
the hagent impudently observed: I
sell over the Panhandle. Go that wayp'
| And when inquired whether it was the
Big Four Panhandle, the hagent re-
piled: Big Four hell! See here, the
Panhandle is the route you want. Why,
the Big Four runs way round to Kan
| kakee. We make the connection
straight Then he flashed his bloody
map with big black line on dead
straight angle Of forty-tive degrees be-
tween Chicago and Cincinnati, and
said Panhandle was the Indian name
for pet route ye know"
You patronized the Panhandlep"
"Yaas. !"
''Nice road
| "Yaas, but 'ow about the bloody
mapsp All ave got hair linesp Coming
Christmas time l was in Chicago at the
fremont, and said to the booking ha-
gent there, Which hever of the two
lines to Cincinnati is the shorter-the
Big Four or the Panhandlep' Neither,
sir; you want the Monon; it's the fa-
vorite route;not only takes you through
an 'andsome country, but it's hair
line.' Demme, sir, 'ope never to see
Lunnun bridge if he didn't unfold
another bloody map with another black
line at bangle OF torty-ive degrees
connecting the two cities.
''You took the Mononp"
i .'Yaas.''
Pleasant 'roadp"
'.Yaas; but 'ow about the bloody
mapsp 'Ow many hair lines ave YEP
As remarked, this is a roomy coun-
try, you know. 1t as to be. The stock
el Chicago 'otel liars would crowd any
country on the other side. At the Sher-
man 'ouse the booking hagent showed
me another bloody map. l told i'm
my experience with the other booking
blokes. Look ere, said o, my friend,
do you want to go to Cincinnati the
way the crow hiesr .Yaas. Then
you must take the G & A. We skip
you through to Lima, shoot You straight
down and save you time, trouble and
expense. Try the hair line once. The
broke 'ad a bloody map, the same han
gle of forty-fivc degrees. Ere it is.
'Ere's the rest of the collection.
The travelled EngIishman displayed
an immense package Of railroad litera-
.are, the bulging bulk Of which sug-
gests at least four dollars worth oi
Confederate scrip.
..Find the A. & P. route all rightp''
''Yaas, but also found more liars in
Chicago. Demme, sir, the A & b., the
| B s. e.. The II & l., the j & K, they