Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-07-29
WIT AND HUMOR.


Cora Chewing on the last carameD-
What makes you always twirl your
cane, Mr.. Merritt Little Johnny
(who is always around)-"B Because he
amt got any mustache. Judge
Pa" inquired little boy. ..if you
can say that people run for Office why
can't you say that people walk for
office? Because they are in too big a
hurry to walk" explained the intelii-
gent father
Boston newspapers are quarreling
over the question of whether it was Il
hen or a goose which laid the golden
egg. It's Robin which has laid the
golden egg for some of the richest men
in this country, if Wall street tales are
not all myths. - Chicago Tribune.
Don't you want cyclone cellarp"
asked a tramp of the old farmer of whom
he was trying to procure work. "a
cyclone ccllarr' bawled the farmer.
why, you old beast, are you trying to
sell cyclones around herep Here. Beef!
catch 'im!' But the misunderstood
man had vanished. Chicago Tribune.
'Going to the circus to-nightpn
Don't know; haven't heard my wife
say whether she wants to CO. You
don't mean you'll take your wife?" 20,
no: if she don't want to go I'll come
round and 60 with you, but if she wants
to go we'll both stay at home, you
know. - Springfield Homestead.
While London chemist was testing
bottle of milk it exploded with loud
report, scattering the fragments of glass
all over the room, Prof. Huxley's theory
is that the COW had been eating dyna-
mite, but we think that his hypothesis
is wrong. A more plausible explana-
ton is that some fiend has been throw
ing nitro-glycerine into the well. Nor
sTSt0w'l Herald
Cincinnati Festival echoes: ..When
can get the scorer" asked musical
young man last evening 1.-The Cincin-
natis didn't play to-day" answered an
urchin who overheard the question.
| Whitney is singer from Singville,
Marble County, and has a voice that he
has TO 90 down cellar for when he
wants it do some extra heavy work. :
| Cincinnati Commercial Gazette
Liz 1llitIlCdu <toSOCidblOll INC Atl-
vancement of Science is doing good,
brave work. In its report last week il
announces the discovery that ''the ho.
mologies of the synomosal bone indi-
cate the posterior half of the zygomatic
arch" The papers which have insisted
that it was developed by the macro.
dactylic oboe of the periphrastic jayel
must feel cheap enough, - Washington
| Post
Angelina-" Mamma. dear, do you
understand anything about the Ian.
guage of flowers?" Mamma love.
WhyP" Angelina Why, Mr.. Snoop.
kiss has just sent me a lovely bunch Of
| Jacqueminots-thr dozen, at least
and | wanted TO see what the signifi.
canoe of it is" Unfeeling brother
Il can tell you, sis; it means that
Snoopkins is around to-day trying to
borrow from the other fellows. - Chi
cago Rambler
the colporteur had crossed over the
line into Kentucky without knowing it,
! and as he entered the tavern with i
| handful of tracts, he said: Gentlemen,
may | ask you 10 -" and every gen
tleman then and there present arose
from his chair, took his quid from his
mouth and cast it behind the stove
and, sauntering briskly toward the car
penter shop, said: Thanks. don't care
if do. " And then, seeing he was in
Kentucky. the colporteur lined the
gentlemen. - brooklyn Eagle,
A young man had been arrested fol
| l. ,.,t II.
the witness-stand. You say" said the
attorney for the defendant. that the
young man kissed you against your
will?" YES, he did; and he did it 4
dozen times, too. "Wcll. now, is il
not true that YOU also kissed him during
the ARRAY" Objected 10; objection over,
ruled. Now answer my question, !"
| Continued the attorney. did you not
sss the defendant, also?'' Yes,
did, replied the witness, Indignantly,
''but it was in self-dcfensc. Case dis
missed. II Washington Critic.
The members of II class that had been
studying the rudiments of physiology
were asked To give their impressions on
paper of what they had learned, and
one of them grayely wrote: Our collar.
bones are situated under our chins. u
This idea is certainly capable of very
liberal application All of us have
seen boys in positions where their
knees were directly under their chins.
Another bright pupil put pen to paper
to say: IF we did not have any back
bones we could not sit down. True
enough! Who ever heard of an oyster
sitting down?-BoSton BHdget
During the terrible thunderstorm
that came over Washington one day
recently. little S-year-old boy, living
i'll the north part of the town was
awakened. and called his mother. who
was sitting in the drawing-room down.
stairs. She sat with him little while
and told MIN he need have no fears, be
cause God took care of little boys, and
would not let the lightning hurt them
But God is way up in heaven" replied
the child. Eyes" replied the mother
''but He is here, too; He is staying right
in the room with you. He can protect
you. but can not. As long us God is
here you need not be afraid. The
child was quoted, and the mother lef
him and went back to the drawing
1
deafening clap of thunder, when the
boy, crawling out of bed, came to the
head of the stairs, and called again
What do you want, George?" asked hi'
mother you come up here and stay
with God awhile, and let me 90 down
stairs" was the reply.
An Arizona editor recently sen
postal cards to all the prominent citizens
of the place requesting them to give an
answer to the question, Why are you al
honest man? some of the replies which
he published are curious. One answers
1T must be because of my burned cussed
ness; always did like to be differen
from other people" Another says h,
public Office. Another Indignantly an
swers. What dye take me fer-ar
angelo" Another sarcastically remarks
Il suppose you're going TO start a mu
scum and are lookin' fer freaks. Well
count me out; Tn not one" Another
a professional labor agitator, wrote in
blood-red ink on postal card, .'Wha
are We givin' us?" While the editor o
the opposition paper volunteered thu
answer that he scorned to lay bare the
FACILITATING mainstay of noble anC
honest soul at the request of dishones
reptile and political parasite. Tn,
editor is so well pleased with the result.
of his inquiry that he intends soon t.
ask for answers to the question, Wha
do you take for cold?
We have one man who dSinks 10C
| glasses per dayr' This answer was il
/