Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-01-21
WIT AND UUMOR.

French name will be scared to death if
he catches cold with Greek or Latin
title. -LoloeH C5ffzeR.
The President Of 4 life-insmance COM
pany recently received letter in which
the writer said: I'm case Of deth please
explain to me what the aires would get
when dye. AilentowR ffd.) Regis
ten
We were asked TO express an opinion
on certain subject and we did so.
Then the man who called Us out lost
his temper because we gave a different
answer from what he declared. Rich
naond Va. J Religions Herald.
There is touch Of the irony Of fate
in the story of the old man who lived to
be So in '.sfaitened circumstances
finding himself heir to million dollars.
He can only have the pleasure Of max
ing viii and providing, for a swell flu
neral. boston Herald.
Professor of Chemistry Suppose you
were called 10 patient who had swal-
lowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what
would you administer" Jones (who is
preparing for the pulpit and who only
takes chemistry because it is obligatory
II would administer the sacrament. !"
At social gathering on Austin ave-
nue. HOstctter McGinnis, who is great
wag. said to Miss Esmerelda Iongco!lin:
you would not believe, Miss Esmerelda,
what conquests I've made among the
fair sex. You would not believe it. Il
don't replied Miss Esmerelda. Teas
SJlings.
The history of a Vermont mountain
town is thus epitomized by good OBJ
server; THE early settlers cleared up
good farms and the children got rich
from thcm. The grandchildren ran
them down and loaded the town with
debts. The next generation skipped
away to the west
This is said to have happened in
Georgia: A youth from Ebert County
purchased suit Of wedding-clothes at
Athens. They We're shipped per express,
but the next week were returned with u
letter from the young man saying that
his girl had gone back on him and as
he would not need the garments he had
returned them The merchant let him
off from the trade.
Secretary TO manager Here is a
letter from the person who writes over
the signature Of Pearl, asking when
we are going TO pay for her contribu-
ton "When we publish it, of coarse. >
but we have published it. ''Ah!
Wen, take the usual course. Wait three
months before answering the inquiry
and three months before sending a
check.
a lady from Michigan relates a very
pretty story Of her little boy, whom Size
took last summer for the first time to
the seaside. The little fellow was great
~ pleased with the sight One dav,
when he saw the first oeeau-Stcamer APP
proach the coast, be was exuberant:
20, mamma, just come ont and seei
There's big locomotive taking Il BATH
Boston Btacot1
Prudent Parasian housekeeper Iii,
there, stop! What DO you ask for youI
coalPn Pcripatetc dealer Three francs
q hundred kiloS, sir Housekeeper
weigh me thousand kilos and shoot
it here. : Dealer (hesitatingly) Ger
tainly, monsieur; but well. ahcm! the
fact is that when we weigh it in tho
| presence OF a customer the price is three
francs and half Paris Figaro.
Good morning. Cicely, dear; | was
just going by, and | couldn' help drop
ping in to ask You about the new feather
trimming Isn't it loyely?" well
yes, rather like it; but I'm afraid il
will soon be as common rs sealski1
sacques That would be a pity Only
think, haven't worn my sealskin since
you had yours. There were a few
dagger-like Chances, and that morning
call was ended. Hartford Post.
Perhaps the revision of the Bible wa.
unnecessary, after all. The historian i;
impelled to this reflection by sage re
mark which was uttered in his hearing
in street-car the other day On thu
opposite side Of the car were two wo
men, who were talking rather loudly
Said one; Did you know Sarah had
had another lot Of money left her by her
cousins will?" Law mer' exclaimed
the other, the Bible never said a trucr
thing than them that has gifts! BoS-
ton Record.
A librarian says that ministers like 10
write their opinions on the margins Of
books; 81 found a book so marked one
day, and, recognizing the handwriting
as that OF Il prominent divine, sent a
note 20 him asking TO see him at my of
flee. lie came. acknowledged he had
written in the book, but said that his
writing made it more valuable. Others
do not think so, | said so if you, viii
get us a new book YOU may keep the
more valuable one "
Mare Antony Orig, the distinguished
tragedian from the Wayback circuit
My friend, how is this? The house was
cold last night-cold cold ca-hold!
And yet had distributed me good gold
among the ushers to insure hearty
welcome and tumultuous applause. 7
Mr.. Ochestein, the prosaic and Hcbraic
manager-'Golt9 Two dollars I'M a
hallut! You don'd get no dumulmous
abblaaSe for no two dollars I'M hellut.
Dot don'd get you no more as a cordial
reception! Fiiegcnde Bidetter.
The Pail Mall Gazette tells of mar
Vicious bicycle performer. He is so clev-
cr that he seems to take the unfortunate
machine to pieces and practice some
feat of equitation upon each Of them,
riding the backbone as witch does a
broomstick, whirling on one wheel only,
and playing some trick with the spolles
and handle. He rides mp to bed and
down to breakfast, sometimes on one
wheel, sometimes on another, and has
| seventy modes of mounting. Needless
to say, concludes the Pail Mall Gazette,
the gentleman is an American.
The Record staff small boy has been
going to an Orthodox Sunday-school
for just three of his six years, and, as
may be inferred. derives his ideas of the
Divine relation to mankind by q sort Of
direct Apostolic succession from Calvin
and Jonathan Edwards. His mother
was consequently interested to know
what idea was in his head the other
night, after he had received a pretty Sc
we're Gliding for some oflense, he ex-
claimed: ''O,I wish ! was Godr' WHY,
what do You wish that for?' she asked
because you'd have to love me thenr'
Boston Record.
He slept days and made up bcrths all
night Truly. he began making up
berths at Jersey City, and when he got
through, about daylight, it was time to
begin to unmake them again. All night
! could hear.him opening and shutting
the berths like a concertina. He sang
softly TO himself all night long:
You must camp little in the wilderness
And then We'll all go home.
And played his own accompaniment
on the berth.
When in repose he was generally
asleep with whisk-broom in one hand
and the other hand nxtnndnd With thn