Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1886-11-05

ing badly. l think I'll do 1t myself"
Wifs-"Yes. do Ii yourself, IL you think
it wants to be done badly"
A couple were married at Rutland,
VT, the other day who had been spark
ing for seventeen years. IL takes some
women long time to run man down.
"Did you pass the civil-Serviee exam
ination?" 81 don't know yet but got
the right answers to some Of the ques.
tions." (which ones were those!" II
answered all right when they asked me
what my name was and what State l
was born in"
a lady very much given to gadding
was suddenly taken i'll at home one day
and sent her husband in great haste for
the doctor. The obedient man ran part
Of the way, then returned to put this
important query: "My dear, where
shall | find you when | get bscks"
A citizen of Holyokc, Mass, was
drinking at a bar the other day with
three companions, when his wife came
in, Joined the drinkers, and ordered
/ drinks for all hands. Ii Is said that no
more efrectual way Of breaking up
drinking party was ever known In that
section.
SIS any one waiting on your" in-
quired the polite salesman OF a West
vile maiden. "Well. | can't hardly
tell, she blushingly replied. "Soms-
times think there is and then again |
ain! certain, but Wills 80 sort OF funny,
you know" and then she bluslied again
and asked to look at some lace collars.
Pastor appearing suddenly: "while
we all Is q waltin' fer lie funeral sarbi-
ces ter begin, doan wan ter heah TO
moab ob dat ar glass clickin' gwyne on
in dis yer room
Chief Mourner: "'Tain't muffin but
der clock"
Pastor; "Dat am do fust clock eber l
see what done smell 90 apple.jackr
A comical incident 10 related Of an
eminent English Eobleman who was
presiding at press dinner. lie con-
cluded his few feeble remarks by pro-
posing the "health OF Gutenburg."
Some one pulled his coat tails aud whis-
psred that he was dead. IL regret"
continued the noblcman, "to announce
that intelligence has just been received
that Gutenberg Is dead"
A young woman picking her way
across the railroad tracks In indianapolis
saw brakeman wave his hand to her
from the top of departing freight
train. She smiled sweetly aud waved
back. Tho next thing she knew she
was yanked of the track by dagmnn,
just In time TO escape backing train,
which tho brakeman had seen and had
tried In vain to warn her OF.
Young Mr.. William Ogden, OF Cole
man. Mich, arose In his sleep the other
night, and clad only In his night shirt,
went TO the house Of the young woman
to whom he Is engaged. Her father an
swersd the ring OF the bell, aud seeing
who IL was aud how he was clad,
kicked him down the front steps. This
awoke Mr.. Ogden, who went home
deeply mortified, having also taken Sc.
we're cold.
An old maid recently travelled 10 De.
trot, and took her first ride in q sleep
ing-car. She was obliged 30 take an
upper berth, and retired early. In The
middle OF the night she startled the
whole car by series Of fortissimo
shrieks. The porter ran TO her assist
ance, and in answer 10 his inquiry as TO
her distress, she replied that there was
man under her bed. After forty
years Of patient waiting her worst
fears were realized.
During the late war ono day General
Beauregsrd, with several lesser lights,
came upon sentinel who had taken his
gun entirely 10 pieces ard was greasiDg
the lock, stock and barrel. The great
general looked like n thunder cloud,
but neither his flashing uniform nor the
seowl on his face had any effect on the
sentinel, who quietly proceeded to rub
piece Of bis gun. "say," remarked an
officer, chats Beauregard there. Hes
q sort OF general" "AIl right" said
the unabashec sentinel, "if he'll wait
Ill get this gun together III give him
a sort Of salute
Bill Nye, who has written q new
book, has also written a prospectus for
it. We quote: "The book will explain
a good many things that have hereto
fore remained unexplained, such az
spots on the sun, how to make a good
paste for wall paper that will lot shrink
the room when applied, how to win she
affections Of capital, how 10 write for
the press, how 10 set bread, how to pur-
ify the liver withou. removing It. Per-
sonal "reminiscences, experiments with
starvation; IN all, over six hundred
pages Of thinks that have thought"
A newly.married couple from the in.
terror Of Nevada, who had evidently
never before ventured upon railroad
! train, took the cars to 20 upon their
wedding trip. When the conductor
came around to collect the tickets the
bridegroom was 80 illustrated by the nov
city Of the situation that be handed out
his marriage certificate. The conductor
looked at It approvIpgly and handed II
back with rhs remark that 1t was use
ful document in it's place, and one he
had often contemplated securing for