Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1886-06-20
CRANKY INVENTORS.
a LAWYERS EXPERIENCE WITH MEN
OF QUEER AND MIGHTY IDEAS.
4 DeCoCtion for the Purpose Of SProuting
Wings The Human ero-
meter The Mysterious Ingredients
A Iunatic's wart Cure.

meter 80 Ihe MSsicrIouS lnsfehl"t's
/ a Lunatic's wart Cure.
Tell me about queer ideas in patents.
Queer is no name for some of them,
replied the patent attorney to whom the
request was addressed "You can't have
any notion OF the phenomenally strange
ideas that some people have that they
want 10 put into the shape Of patents
Sometimes almost fall over in my chair
they are so queer"
For instance" interjected the reporter
who was in a hurry and who saw that the
lawyer was about to branch off into "A long
dissertation about Cranks.
Well said he, huCkling down 10 the
subject, I'll give you some instances. One
queer crank was Thomas TOwles, who
represented himself as being native OF
the eastern shore He had recipe fol
what he called his Angels Wings Elixir.
lie usually carried sample bottle around
with him The bottle was shaped
like that in which the druggists
sell soothing syrup. and it had a big
red cork with picture on it OF man with
wings flying over the housetops. The
angels wings elixir was of n greenlsh
color, with little white floats on its sur
face Thomas said his elixir would make
wings grow out on the human body in two
months The dose sufficient to accom-
plish this wonderful end was two tea
spOonsful every third day, and four tea
spoonsful at the end of each week as an
extra does, to make it more binding, he
explained He wanted to dispose Of the
recipe for 81 800. with royalty of So on
every pair OF wings that grew out The
fellow was such queer genius that
took quite an interest in him, and tried
to find out OF what he made his elixir.
Finally ! succeeded He COntided to me
in the strictest confidence, that 1t was
composed Of three parts OF dog tail oil,
three parts of the extract OF boiled duck
feathers three parts OF fried pigs liver,
and one part Of moon juice The latter,
he explained. he collected by brushing
the surface OF the full moon with broom.
The moon juice, he said, 'infuseS into
the wings the essence of eternal life He
gave me bottle of his elixir and l still
have 1t in my office closet slowed away
somewhere.
THE HUMAN NO-sOLDEROMETER
"One of the queereSt Cranks | ever met
was in August of last year. was sitting
III III OillNt ono ldlill hfg "ANh AiA'AN
came knock on the door | said, Come
in and in walked a fat, elderly man, with
a red face, a yellow mustache, Il gOatee,
cross eyed, bOw-legged, and leading lit
tie dog by a string. The stranger seated
himself in a chair by one Of the windows
and pulled out Of his pocket a stick Of
what looked like ordinary solder. 1t was
covered with chamois- skin cover. Pull
his chair close up to mine, he proceeded to
uIbOsom himself.
Here is the greatest invention of the
age he said, yanking the dog up into his
ap and patting it on the head with one
hand while he extended the soldeI TO me
with the other.
"'Whst is it'' asked. spotting him for a
crank right off
The human galvanO sOlderOmeter,' he
replied 1T will solder on amputated
limbs so that you can't tell they've been
cut of A teaspoonful poured on the neck
Of decapitated criminal will cause his
head to stick TO the neck and grow there
again as naturally as though it had never
been cut off I've tried it on several
white men who had their heads cut off in
France, and | restored every one of them
10 life in less than three days. had an
engagement to 60 to Persia and sell out
nv stock to his uibs the shah, but
thought could make more by coming to
America, and here I am. Do you want
it, Can get patent on itP
Il told him that In this country criminals
were hung and not decapitated, and when
people get their legs out Off they uluu
ueunlly want them back again.
Its splendid thing in time Of war,
he continued a general with a bucket
ful of this salve can restore all his
wounded soldiers to life and strength in
in twenty four hours, and on the next day
his army will be good as it was on the
day before
Il humored him by pretending TO under
take his case, and got him to give me
the recipe of his salve.
LIST OF INGREDIENTA
He told me it was made Of two parts
concentrated extract Of civil service re
form, two parts refined gingerbread, two
parts of the essence of a comets tail, and
one part each Of terrapin's toe nails, UNI
brella- handle soup, stewed type metal and
pulverized cerebro- spinal meningitis.
"He told me that without a smile on his
face, looking at me so solemnly and earn
estly as though blufling me with a small
pair at poker. | wrote it all down just as
he gave 1t to me, and l told him to come
again in two years and | would have his
patent ready for him. | expected he would
get mad but he didn't. He just smiled
and bowed himself out, and he and his
little dog disappeared in q gust Of satisfac-
ton.
Perpetual motion is the will-ofthe-
wisp that draws a legion of cranks unceas-
ingly. There are some very amusing at
tempts made to obtain this motion. One
crank came to Inc not long ago and
showed what he confidently assured
me was a positively certain scheme for
perpetual motion. He had soldered two
Waterbury watches to thermome-
ter, and around them all he had
wound a piece of India rubber string
One end Of the string was fastened to
The spring of one of the watches and the
)ther end was tied TO the spring of the
other watch. He claimed that the com
bined action of the thermometer and the
rubber string kept the watches in perpet-
ual motion, and with a horseshoe magnet
he proposed to concentrate what he called
the spiral energy of the two watches
thus producing power that could be trans
ferred to any kind of machinery. 1t was a
crazy notion. | afterward learned that
the fellow was a matchmaker by trade,
and that he had escaped from an insane
asylum in Philadelphia.
Another crank came TO me with box
full Of gray powder that he said would
cure Bright's disease of the kidneys The
powder was nothing more nor less than
the pulverized ashes made from burning
old shoe soleS.
Il was once visited by a lunatic who de-
clared that he had discovered a certain and
speedy cure for corns and bunlons, warts
and all skin eruptiUns. He showed me a
salve that he said was made by boiling TO-
600 cockroaches in quart Of water To
this he had added some British oil and
some extract Of cologne He offered to al
low me 10 test his mellicinn but II fused