Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-08-22
aubeelin9 Resister
WOES OF A FAT MAN.
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. AyOIR-
DUP0lS.
All the Victims Friends Use Him IS Tase! ~f
WithGsnS and Even His Wife
Uuindly Calls Him Her
Little Boy"
Albany Argus.

n
weight is nearly 300 pounds avoirdupO's.
ANY one who has ever been in the tat man
business can appreciate my woes ana
troubles. for they are rs many As the hairs
ON a cows tail. Trouble seems to have
beeu born the day was, and TO have Sc
lected me for its one victim. All through
nv life have been beset with care anu
,yorry from the time was small boy
until now. Thank God, am getting old,
and, though grow fatter each year that l
advance to the iumping-Of place, am
slowly and surely coming to the time when
nsonie will ask, What has become OF old
lard pail?' =.
As early a. | can remember was lat
When / was a school by my companions
used to call me fatty and wonder that
nv flesh did not burst my clothes. No"
that I am older it is just the same. REQ
nile wonder what eat. The fact Is my ap-
netite is very poor; but the less eat the
more grow. / am living paradox. Once
I tried .'anti-iat," but it only made me
sweat harder, and my ribs grew more and
more indistinct. My trouble commences
the moment awake in the mOnlng. uSu-
ally find myself ON my back, 10 oil DO Is
to ms; start myself rolling and roll out OF
he'd. had an inclined plane set up IN
front of the bed, 80 that do not land on
The floor To abruptly, but roll down slowly
and easily. But the greatest difficulty Is
i'm getting 10 my feet. sometimes TINS il'-
tie feat occupies several minutes Now my
trouble commences in earnest. have 10
dress myself, and anyone who could Stilhu
nv ana SEE the operation would be I'M
menselv amused | don't muse much
though: it's all labor for me. get my
clothes on with fair success and great
consumption of time, up to the point oil
PUTTING On MY SHOES.
hen the fun commences. haven |
seen nv feet, face IN face, intwenty years;
don't have any idea how they look. But
,uttiD,r ON those shoes l. the curse Oi my
tNiStpuC.. Sometimes | wear button shoes,
and the expedirntS adopt 10 get those IN
E.rn,l buttOnS into their holes are wonder
ful | iaStcn buttOn-hOOk To the end ol
Il cane sometimes, but don't result well rs
work of art. ! tumble and tOunce about
the floor and bed getting the upper mana
of nv shoes in manner that resembles
the struggles OF u pOllywOg out OF water
AT last / get them ON and the prayers OF
Thanksgiving that goes up 10 heaven Is re-
corded among the sacred documents. When
4 90 down STAIRS my wife usually asks me II
| have been having another wreslle with Il
ghost. She saws have Jared the plaster
doNn, have frightened the nclghbOrS, made
milkman inquire ii her husband had start
eel a clrpet-b,ating establishment on the
second floor and raised Cain generally.
well, INV dear, how is Your appetite
this morning." asks the wife Of my bosom
- sit down to the table. This Is eNaSpe-
rltiu, when she knows that all will eat
is a small piece Of Goldfish with an air ae-
commandment, small cup OF weak coffee
with oatmeal and wind Sauce My dear,
nv appetite is good" | replied, so good
that think that | c;ln eat whole bean.
Bean drinking bcto-r breakfast again,
see, SAYS she.
THEN I COLLAPSE.
can't stand punS; pun my word can't.
start down town tn my business. Hail
inga car. notice it doesn't stop. The next
one catch, and am informed, when | at
tempt To 20 through the door andget stuck,
that that is not the lat mans line. This
makes me mad, and with rush and 4
push from the conductor, | am crowded
through. but usually the door posts give
about six inches in the operation. Pulling
and pulling my torn clothes together | sit
down. SAY. can't YOU be satisfied with
~ sI.a4N
look around, and sure enough | am crowd
iug the only four passengers in the car.
hear youn" girl giggle to her COM
paniou: Guess BIrnum' : circus Is coming
the side show has got here. The sailor
sitting next her mumblcS to his neighbor
What line ballast such bugs of fat would
max, To- aS;tiling veSSel" BY this time
the ear had reached my corner, and | yell
10 the conductor. lie sees me, but only
grins. Again yell that | want to set of,
and he sticks in his head and says: We're
going right around to the shops, and then
I'm have one side Of the ear taken oil 50
YOU can get out. ~ looked at myself, and,
sure enough, I had begun to swell.
stag the SWELL wells the newsbOy, and
nv anger is so great that start after him.
EVERY BUTTON OF NY CLOTHES,
and nearly killing the conductor who at
tempted 70 stop my progress.
Then when | start 10 walk over to my
Office friends acCOSt me with the SIluta-
ton, well. how are you to-day? Seems
10 me YOU are looking thinner than usual. y
n ever want to commit murder it is then.
Why will men tell me such an Internal lie
az that? How can | be growing thinner
when my weight is fast increasing? Pretty
soon man comes around and inquiries tor
NE aud after talking over the weather and
feeling around and finding out what humOr
am in, breaches his GRAND. lie is y deal
er i'm cigars and wants me to pose before n
wood carver while an image is made of me
for his sign. lie is very much in need OF
that kind of a sign and am just the man
10 be the model. In less time than take
to tell it, that mans family is fatherless.
By and by another man calls and he is in
the toy trade. He thinks q toy made IN
representation OF me would take well. /
toy few minutes with him and he never
calls again. 80 they continue To come.
Some are advice agents of circuSeS and want
10 hire me stand ut the tent door and take
tickets. They think | will draw well.
They get drawn directly. My pity for
such men is small.
When l step into the sample room and
call for beer, the bartenderiniormS me that
beer is liable to increase ones flesh. That
bartender is only sample of all the sam
ple-rOom denS in the city. They all tell
me that
BEER WILL MAKE NE FAT.
One day, not long ago | was walking
alone the street in front ofan eating house,
the cook room OF which WAS under the
pavement Just at that point stepped on
a banana skin and came down. The con
cuSsiOn WAS great. The cook and the
assistants and all the customers in the
place at the time rushed out to the street.
Said they thought the building was going
to fall. | SOOthed the gang by romarking
that it was the greatest man fall had ever
heard OF \ policeman wanted To arrest
me for saying that, but | only asked for a
rest. The crowd saw something funny
about this and Kissed him of Two or
three then helped me to my feet and |
went my way SOrrOwing.