Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-11-08

Motto for a petty thief-Any umbrella
in rainy day.
Swine are not treated fairly. They are
hung first and tried afterwards.
"That man has quite bass snore."
''Yes, l should think he was sleeping
under sheet music
"There is report around, Jinks, that
you have inherited landed estate s'It
is groundless, my dear fellow"
1t makes very little difference how a
hotel napkin is folded. The query with
the guest is, who used it last.
When the rumble of an earthquake is
heard it doesn't take Charleston woman
long to put her bonnet on and go out
Sammy-Pa, what's the difference be-
tween man who is crank and man
who amt a crank? Father (who has been
accused of being a crank THE nan who
Teacher-What is Philadelphia called?
Pupil-The Quaker City. Teacher-Cor-
rect. Now how is Charleston designat-
ed? Pupil-By the name of Shaker City,
maam.
City belle (pointing to wild plant by
the wayside)-What's that? Country
cousin-That's milkweed. City belle
Oh, yes; what you feed the cows on,
suppose.
"Well," said one Chicago Anarchist to
another with a sigh, sit might have been
worse" eyes. indeed" was the reply,
it might have been Imprisonment with
hard labor"
Mr.. Litewaite-You must excuse me if
am rather dull. l am always stupid
when l have headache. Miss Keene-
Dear me, it must be dreadful to have a
headache so much of the time.''
"Who held up Moses hands while Josh
ua fought the Philistines?'' asked the su-
| perintendent. 'sHur and Aaron,' shouted
! the good boy. "She and Aaron?" softly
| corrected the new schoolma'am.
LandladY-Have you noticed, Mr.
Brown, that there's nothing but leaves on
the streets now?-Boarder (who has come
late to breakfast) Dyes, madam, and that
fact is very suggestive at your table.
Visitor-Miss Devereaux is quite mu.
sical. Host-Yes, very much so. Visit
or-Does she sing in English? Hos.-She
| Hnac cha Il
in Kalamazoo or some other far-away
place.
| A farmer. in the neighborhood of Don
caster, was accosted by his landlord thus
''John, | intend to raise your rent" To
which John replied, ''Sir, I am very
much obliged to you; for 1 cannot raise
it myself"
eyes," said the chairman, sadly, "oul
temperance meeting last night would have
been more successful if the lecturer haC
not been so absent-minded.' "What did
he do?" HE tried to blow the foam from
a glass of water
Flipkins-I went into a restaurant last
night and ordered pork and beans fol
supper, and what do you suppose the
waiter brought me? Softop-Give it up
How should know? Flipkins-Pork ant
beans, you chump. Now set 'em up.
A Danville paper tells of young wo
man riding with young man, and ex
claiming at the sight of two calves, "Oh
see those two little cowlets!" ssYou ar
mistaken" said the young man; "those
are not cOwletS, but bullets
man came into cigar store, bough
a cigar, and threw Il bad five-cent piec,
on the counter. He was hurriedly de
parting, when the dealer called after him
"Hold on, it's bad?" 'sNever mind,
answered the purchaser, as he quickl,
passed out, ''I'll smoke it anyway
A Boston lady was making some pur
chases in drug store in Kansas city re
Gently, when Il countryman came swing
ing along, and in a loud voice addresse,
the dapper clerk with Say? Mister
goteny caster ile?" ssCertanly, Sir,' h
replied. ''Do you wish it for lubricatin,
purposes?" s'Thunder, no! I wante
greece my waggin."