Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1886-11-17
M}isfellaneuns &eading,
BROTHER GARDNER.

BROTHER GARDNER.
A note has been left on my desk AKIN
me why de present aige has not produced
Cicero, Diogenes or Milton. 1 answer
to de effect dat each aige has produced of
itself an fur itself.
Diogenes was looked upon as a wise
man in his day and aige. Put him an
his tub On airth to-day, an it wouldn't be
twenty-four hours befo' he'd be jerked to
de jug fur crank, an de law would fo'ce
him to cut his ha'r, dig out his finger nails
an put on clean shirt.
Cicero was applauded by thousands fur
his mastery oratory. At dat aige de gift
of CAB was rare thing. In dis aige you
can attend a five dollar lawsuit befo' any
justice of de peace an find match fur
Cicero in three dollar lawyer. If he
could drap down among us he'd find it
hard work to get resolushun fur a new
sidewalk frew de city council.
Shakespeare was a big-bug fur de aige
in which he lived. He was probably de
only person on airth who could writ his
writings, an he desarved all praise. If
he was among us to-day he'd find ebery
newspaper givin' him de guy, an all de
boys yellin' out "chestnut!" as his works
appeared in Seaside form. Dis aige de-
mands a different style. We want sun
thin bout angels comm down an takin'
leetle chil'en straight up to Heaben, or a
feller gwine out to Texas an killin' a half
dozen Injuns day fur vacashun. We
want plain English, widout any had
words in it. We doan't know muffin bout
me Lord, me Duke, me lady an sich, an
we doan' want to. Dis aige has produced
| five thousand pussOns, who, while dey
can't write like Shakespeare did, kin
waltz all aroun' him in keepin' de readers
ha'r on eand from de fust paige to de last:
Nero was a big gun fur his aige, but jest
emagine sich a chap cavorting, around dis
time he sounded his bazoo in the Ninth
ward peeler would give him de collar an
walk him down, an de next mawnin'
you'd see it in de papers dat ole Nero
was sent up fur sixty days fur disturbin'
de peace. :.
We has no poet to ekal Milton, but if
we had de newspapers wouldn't gin him a
fair show. Dey'd refer to his produck-
shuns as spring poetry, an he'd likely be
dubbed de Ba'n-gate Balladist of Indiana.
Dis aige doan' cry fur poetry half as much
as fur pork, and chap like Milton would
hev to turn hand-organ to make y liv-
ing.
DE aige doan' demand no great man in
any line. When it does he will bob to de
surface an his name will appear in de pa
pers. We am all wise 'nuff in our way.
| We am all philosophers huff to see why
water won't run up hill, an statesmen
'nuff to know dat what ails dis kentry am
its over production of bootjacks.
My advice to you am to keep right on
being common folks. If you want to git
above de common herd pay cash fur your
groceries; let odder folkses wood-piles
alone; keep whisky an sich at arms
length; put in six days week at hard
work; read mo- skule books an fewer
novels. You may not become a Napoleon
nor Plato, but you'll be remembered in
your own nayburhood when de names Of
State Guv'nors hev bin forgotten.-Detroi1
Free Press.
SUBSTITUTED FOR A DRESS COAT
met John E. Ward at Morristown n. j.,
few days ago. Mr.. Ward represented
the United States in China as Minister
during the latter part of Buchanan's ad.
minstration.
The conversation drifted to diplomatic
etiquette, and I asked Mr.. Ward how he
got over the dress coat question when he
was our Minister to China. He replied :
"At the time was in China the ordinary
dress of the American citizen would hardly
have been q fit one in which to have ap-
peared on State occasion. The Chinese
knew little about the Americans at that
time, and it was, perhaps, more necessary
to create good impression there than at
other places where our diplomatic rela'
tions had been long established. For
several decades I have been the captain
of the Chatham Artillery, little, com.
pany in New Jersey village. l was cap
tain of it at this time and had a captains
uniform, part of which was dress coat
with military lace on the sleeve and with
brass buttons upon which were the letters
&C. A." meaning the Chatham Artillery.
On my way to China l stopped at Paris.
and had the military lace taken off and
diplomatic lace put on. This coat was
buttoned up close at the throat, and the
whole was not bad looking uniform. In
China 1 wore it upon all State occasions,
and it was generally admired. The Chi
nese often asked me what the letters &c.
A." stood for. replied that the suit was
meant as an honor to China, and that the
letters stood for China and America, and in
order to show how much our country
thought of China, we had honored her
by putting the G.. before the A. This ex'
planation was taken in good faith and the
Uniform was success" - Washington Let
ter in Cleveland Leader.
How BIRDS FLY.-In paper recently
read before the American Association Tor
the Advancement of Science, at Buffalo,
I. Lancaster gave some insight into the
means by which soaring birds kept them
selves suspended in mid-air He spent
five years on the Gulf coast of Florida OBJ
serving the flight of birds. His method
was to assume dress painted to resem-
BILE pine bough, and taking up his po-
sition in tree-t0p watch the BIRDS Tor
hours together. This is one of the things
he saw: "The gannet, when tree.top
near their breeding place Was occupied,
would float within foot of my face as
rigidIy immovable as board: They
have alighted on my head with their toes
in my mouth. They would weigh as
much as eight pounds, with about four
or five square feet of wing surface. A
stiff breeze was required to float them II
they remained in one place. They seem
ed to sleep, as their eyes were closed Tor
an hour at time. They were in po-
stiOn of perfect equilibrium. L nave
gently pushed them with stick in va
rious directions while they were thus
balanced, and any effort at all would
move them in any direction until they
would waken, which they were not long
in doing. The position of the wings OF
all birds when soaring was on an incline,
highest in front. The heavier the bird
the more the inclination. These gannets
would float at an angle of about fifteen
degrees with the horizontal. The frigate
birds at very low inclination, often seem
ingly nearly level; but all birds had the
power of varying their inclines to suit
their purposes"