Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1886-1890, 1886-08-31
HALLUCINATION.

AO0 oSoA liz WY ! tak0 kA0uK 70
can scarcely dare to confess to you thu
me to this insane course
/ am going to marry In order nos to b
clone.
1 do not know how to tell it-how to make
myself understood. You will pity no and
you will dsspise me when you know in wha,
a wretched state of mind an
I do not want to be alone any more-at
night. want to feel some being near me-
close to me, q being that can speak, say some
thing, no matter what
want to be able to rouse that being from
sleep, to be able to ask that being any CUES
ton suddenly-even q stupid question, SO
that can feel my dwelling is inhabited-so
that can know that a mind is awake, that a
reasoning power is at work-so that, if l sud
denly light my candle, can see human
face beside me-because-because Qlow can ]
dare avow my shame 9-because l am afraid
when I am by myself.
OH you do not yet comprehend me!
am not AFRAID of any danger. If man
were to come in I would kill him without a
shudder. l have 10 fear of ghosts; do not
believe in the supernatural am not afraid
OF the dead; l believe in the total ami
hilation Of every human being that passes
away.
Then! Yes. Then. Well! I am afraid
of myself l am afraid of being afraid;
afraid of the mental spasms that are driving
me mad; afraid of the horrible sense of in
comprehensive terror.
Laugh if you please 1t is hideous; it is
incurable. / am afraid of the walls, of the
furniture, Of familiar objects which seem to
me to become animated with sort Of ami
NAL life. Above all | am afraid OF the hor-
rible confusion OF my mind, the confusion OF
my reason which goes from me, all befogged,
dissipated by some mysterious and inexplic-
able anguish.
First, I feel a vague disquiet that passes
into my mind and makes all my flesh creep
l look around me- Nothing! And I feel a
need of something. OF what? Something
incomprehensible Then I become afraid
simply because cannot comprehend my fear.
speak! am frightened by my own voice.
walk Then 1 am frightened by the I'm
known which is behind the door, or behind
the curtain, or inside the arnoir, or under the
bed And nevertheless know perfectly well
there is really nothing in any Of those places.
turn round suddenly because l am afraid
of what is behind me, although there is really
nothing behind me, although know it.
become nervous; feel the scare growing
upon me; and lock myself into my room,
and bury myself in my bed, and hide myself
under my bedclothes; and, covering there,
gathering myself up like q ball, shut my
eyes in desperation, and thus remain for a
infinite length Of time, oppressed
Al
ing on the little table beside the bed, and that
/ should really blow it out. And dare not!
Is it not frightful to BE- is such a condi-
ton!
There was G time vhen 1 never felt this
way l used to go homo feeling perfectly
calm. 1 went out end came in without any
thing to trouble the serenity Of my mind. If
I had then been told what q stupid and ter
rib!e disease OF fear-of incredible fear
would como upon mo in after days, would
have laughed. I used to open the
doors in tho dark with perfect confidence;
used to make my preparations for going to
bed quietly, without even boiling myself in,
and never thought of getting up in the mid
die Of ths night to see if all the entrances to
my room wero strongly secured.
The trouble began last year in a singular
way.
1t was i'll autumn, on certain damp even
ing. When my housekeeper had taken her
departure after had dired, asked myself
what was going to do. For some time l
walked up and down my room. felt myself
weary, unreasonably depressed, incapable of
doing any work, lacking even the mental
force to read A fine rain was moiStening the
window panes; l was melancholy, all per-
meated by one OF those causeless attacks of
which make you feel inclined to
rry-which make 4 man want to talk to some
body or anybody in order to shake off the
weight OF ones own fancies.
! felt lonesome Never before did my dwell
ing seem to me so empty An infinite and
Notwithstanding solitude surrounded me.
What was to do! l sat down. Then ner-
vous impotence seemed to pass into my legs.
got up and began to walk again. Perhaps
was also little feverish, for my hands,
,lasped behind my back, as ones hands often
ire when one walks about leisurely, seemed to
burn one another where they touched, and
noticed it. Then sudden cold shudder ran
Town my back. l thought that the outside
lampness was entering the room, and the
dea occurred to me that it would be well to
light fire. l lit it: it was the first Of the
year. And sat down once more, watching
he flame But soon the impossibility of re-
naming quiet in any one position forced mo
o get up again. and felt that | would have
o 90 out somewhere, to stir myself, to find a
'riend
1 went ont. First visited the houses OF
hree different friends, no one of whom was
# home; then went on the boulevard, re-
olved to find some acquaintance or other.
It was dismal everywhere. The wet side
walks wore shining. A watery lukewarrnness
-ons OF these lukewarmnesses which never
he,ess chill you with sudden shlvers, the
yeighty lukewar1nness Of impclpable rain
eened to bear down over the whole street,
md to make the gas jets burn wsarily and
lin.
/ walked along sluggishiy, saying over ard
yer again to myself y won't find anybody
. talk TO-"
Several times looked into sll tbs cafes DO
ween La Msdeleine and the Faubourg Pois-
onniere Only misunderstanding people, who
id not seem to have even vim enough to
nish what they had ordered. were sitting ct
be tables.
l wandered about in this way for long
inc; and about midnight l took my way
ome. / was quite calm, but very tired Ny
oncierge, who always goes TO bed before /
clock. opened the door for me at once, con-
-ary to his usual habit; and thought to my |
Elf: Hello. some other lodger must have
rst gone UP stairs"
Whenever go out Away. double-lock my |
DOR. This time l found it simply pulled TO, /
nd the fact impressed me. thought that I
.erhaps some letters might have been brought |
. stairs during the evening
l wen. in. Ny fire was still burning. even |
rightly enough to light up the apartment 1 !
COX the candle in order 70 kiadle it at the /
rate, when. as l looked right before ne, /