The Warner sun. (Warner, Brown Co., Dakota [S.D.]) 1885-1???, 1886-07-23
A Certificate Wanted.


/ Just do like to run across an Eng
lishman who is fresh to this country
and determined to combat American
IDEAS He is a good deal better COM
pany than an American would be in
Europe. Such chap rode with us
from Vicksburg over to Jackson.
"Excuse me, ye know" he began as
the conductor came along, "but I'd
like compartment to myself"
There was no place to put him except
in the baggage car. and when this was
ascertained he replied:
"Ah, we'll, I'm no bloomin' ehump,
re know? Is this a hair line rail-
road?"
Never heard that it was" said the
conductor.
"Then why didn't they direct me to
The h air line? What's the use, ye
know, in fellow creeping and twist
ing all over the country to fetch up at
some place which is on h air line?"
We had no sooner got him quieted
down on that than he began to find
fault with the scenery along the road
Its devilish awkward. ye know, to
be gazing at nothing but a pine
forest" he broke out. eff there are
no mountains, cliffs, valleys or pretty
villages, why not 60 to work and pro-
vide them? They can't expect fellow
to put up with such as this and go over
the route another time"
We rubbed him down gently, and
had restored his good nature when we
side-tracked for ten minutes for the
other train to pass.
I'm no bloomin' chump, We know"
be began at the end of two minutes,
but l certainly protest against this
delay. If there is only one track VINO
is 10 blame for it? is my valuable
time to be taken up in waiting here be-
cause the other train is not on timer
In the first place their is no hair line;
then there are no compartments; then
the scenery sets one crazy; then we
must switch off and submit to delay,
Gents, observe that protest."
We patted him on the back and lull-
ed the storm, but it broke out again rs
soon as we reached Jackson. He didn't
like the situation of the hotel nor any
of the rooms in it, nor the way the
porter talked back to him, and he flung
himself into a chair and exclaimed:
'I'm no bloomin' chunp, We know,
but / can't 90 this-really, can't"
While he had been fnssng around
we had put up little job on him, and
now informed him that there was a
carriage at the door to drive him to a
fine hotel in the suburbs-a place we
had not time to visit.
That's jolly, and / won't forget the
favor, We know" he said as he tossed
his bags into the hack and drove on.
The driver was directed to take him
to the Insane Asylum, and the order
was faithfully carried out.
I'm bloorlin' chump if it isn't a
fine building, though / can't say much
for the scenery" said the man as they
drove up.
He alighted with all his baggage and
entered the Superintendent office. In
about an hour he returned to the hotel,
and bursting into the Office where we
sat smoking he hotly announced:
First there is no h air line; then no
compartment; then no scenery; then no
double track; then arrive at the tavern
to find it only third-rate club house;
then I'm sent knocking about to a
suburban hotel, and when reach it
what does the bald-headed old cock-a-
doodle of landlord inform me! Why,
gents, that I've got to have certifi-
cate of insanity to be admitted! I'm
bloomin' chump if your blarsted
country ism t enough to drive one wildp'
IN Quad, In Detroit Free Press.