The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1886-03-04
EDITORIAL yICIssITUDEs.

heeled,' always ready to draw their
gum at the slightest indication Of
hostllities on the part Of anybody who
is offended at personal remarks which
have appeared in the paper. Sometimes
the editor, under such circumstances,
forsakes the editorial tripod sudden
", and his facile pen no more gallops
over sheets Of fair. white paper tram
scribing thoughts that breathe and
words that burn. (Right here it may
be well to state that the writer does not
know what an editorial tripod is, never
having seen one to recognize it in an ex-
perience, off and on, about printing
Offices Of more than score Of years,
and ''facile PEN is also a mere figure
Of speech put in for effect. The ma
jority of editors use pencils; some write
with stub pens. some with ordinary
business steel pens, and occasionally
one is found who can do nothing unless
swinging a gold pen. Editorial cork
screws are common, but tripods and
facile pens are mere fictions. like
''divine afflatus' in poetry.)
To resume: As remarked before. in
these little target matches the editor is
sometimes obliged to quit work, but
more frequently, perhaps, the assail-
ant turns up his toes, - .'passes in his
checks" "gets skinner made cut Of
his hide" and is ..buried with his boots
on" These are all choice western ex-
pressions meaning the same as Shakes
peare's .'shuffiing off this mortal coil. :
But danger turks not alone in the
path Of the western editor. He who
takes up the editorial tri-that is, who
puts on editorial harness (another
tiction)-is liable at any moment to
write something that will offend some
body and perhaps cause his widow to
file the necessary papers preliminary to
receiving the insurance on his life. It
may not be the editors fault always.
Sometimes 4 proof-reader wrecks the
happiness of his employers family, and
occasionally-too occasionally, in fact
the compositor is amenable to the
charge Of uncOrrected errors and new
laid mistakes in correcting proof, which
cause wailing and gnashing Of teeth.
One Of the queerest recontres ever
recorded between an editor and citizen
occurred in quiet village, in Pennsyl-
vania recently, and. strange to say,
the casus belli could neither be attri-
buted solely to the editor, the proof
reader, nor compositor. 1t was simply
q concatenatiOn Of circumstances over
which none of these had any control.
In fact, they didn't know the paper
was loaded until it went of and kicked.
1t seems that the editor was an in
dustrious local itemizer, nothing
escaping his eagle eye. He was also q
than half dozen lines to > subject.
One day he wrote the following local,
among others:
The citizens of this village are
mourning the loss of twenty valuable
dogs. poisoned by some miscreant."
That is a model of conciseness-an
important fact stated in good English
and with no unnecessary words. Later
on he wrote some puffs for his adj
vertisers, intending to call around as
soon as convenient and collect his
quarterly bills. Note how the follow
ing three-liner conveys an interesting
item of news and at the same time
eulOgises home product:
Butcher Sniegelfritz. on High
street, announces that he has just made
up a large batch of fine. large sau-
sages.
No objection can be found to this
item. except the repetition of the word
''large' SO near together; that might
have been avoided. It would not seem
that any man could get offended at this
puff, yet such was the case, and it cost
the editor a good mauling and the
butcher $50 and costs later on for as
sault and battery. But this is antici-
pating. Let us again take up the
thread of the narrative.
1t seems that when the forms were
made up, the foreman, as was his cns-
tom, put in the local items according
to size, commencing with the one-liners
like:
-How's this for cold?
Remember the Mite Society.
Bring in your wood while the
sleighing is good, etc.
And. as the Fates would have it. the
item commendatory of the butchers
sausage came next under the one above
the dogs having been poisoned-not ev-
en- a three-em dash separating them. Let
the reader place them thus, or imagine
the items so placed when he reads them
a second time, (for which purpose an
intermission will now be had); let him
also imagine q quicktempered Teuton
who took great pride in the quality Of
the meat he served, and q practical
joker who liked to bother the butcher.
and the result can be foreshadowed.
The joker read the items aloud to the
butcher, and made comments calculat-
ed to convince him that the editor really
meant to convey the idea that some
of those poisoned dogs had been made
into sausage. As soon as the butcher
grasped the thought. strange light
shone in his eyes, he wiped his hands
on his apron, kicked his own dog out
of doors. took off and hung up theIapron
and called his boy; Here, Shake,
you mindt der shop q leetle vile; goes
ovid on some peesness.
The joker and one or two other cro-
MES. to whom he had given the wink,
followed.
All was quiet in the sanctun,. The
editor, having finished mailing the
weeks issue and charged up the I'D s
and paid locals, was taking it easy
reading some OF his choicest exchanges
in q desultory way, the scissors being
within easy reach, the only weapon he
used. Suddenly quick, heavy step
was heard on the stair, the door burst
open, aud almost before tho editor
knew what hurt him, bin! biff! he was
knocked over and the irate butcher
was kicking the spittoon, waste-basket
and other bric-a-brac about the room.