Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1886-09-12
SHORT UMMER SERMONS.
Advice by Brother Gardner to q Man APP
preaching h Halter.
Detroit Free Press.

DETOu rTct fTtS-
Brudder Amibad Cantilever, it am re-
ported dat you am about to take unto yer
self a wife. Dat de report am true your
recent ackshuns AIN proof. You has bin
seen pricin' secondhand stoves, squintln,
at TO- dollar bedroom sweets, an rustlln'
aroun' arter bric-a-brac. Marriage am
muffin you need be ashamed OF, an reck-
on you kin depend on dis club to warm up
de house fer you an leave behind some
hard bottomed cheers an few articles OF
tinware.
Brudder Cantilever, marriage I'm a lot
terry or q dead sure thing-jist as you make
it. If you git stuck on sight-fall IN luV
wild a gal fur her small feet, taperin' waist,
dimpled chin or warblin' mOuf, an marry
her Off-hand at about twelve weeks nOtis,
YOU needn't be astonished if dar am a
dynamite 'sploshun afOre you hev bin
hitched a week. Small feet an a good
temper dOan allus go together. Slim
waists an kitchen economy may not work
in de same harness. De gal who charms
you by de way she drums de pianner may
fatty refuse. as o wife, to run dem same
fingers ober de wash bod. Firstly, doan'
git married until you know what you are
bein' lined to. Study de gal. Let de feet
90 an watch her temper. Let de bangs
20 an watch her economy. Nebber you
mind about the way she dimples her chin,
but AK yerself if she'll make de bed wild de
foot lower dan de head. You has got to
do all de studyin'. Not n galOut Of q
thousand ever stops to size up a luver. II
his Grecian nose or curly ha'r or droOpln'
mutache strikes her fancy she'll nebber
stop to STUDIO his natur' nor TO worry ober
his habits. She is marryin' dat nose, or
head or mustache. A month arter mar
riage, when he hauls her aroun' by de hair
an slapS her dimpled jaw, she's perfectly
aStOnished to think she made sich a mis-
take.
Secondly. Brudder Cantilever, arter dc
knot has bin tied made up yer mind dat
de fucher won't be all plain sailin'. You
are gwine to be tried an tested an trub-
blep, an you hey to call up all yer man
hood. You will h'ar de saSSer scrapin' de
bottom of de flour bar'l when you haven't
got a cent in yer pocket. De woodplle
will run out in Jinuary, an de sugar an
bacon will seemltO be carried of by de rats.
If yer wife am cher so gOOd-natured she
will hev her trials an tribulashunS, an
dar may be times when she'll rize up an
claw fur you. In de Vars gone by my ole
woman has rushed upon me wild de rollln'
pin, an | has retorted in u way to make
her ears ache, but all de time | knowed
she was savin' an gOod-hearted, an she
knOwed I'd empty my pockets of de las
shillin' to buy her a new set of false frlzzes.
If you am suited to each Odder an OcCa-
snunal row in de family will prove a stick
ing plaster to hold you de clusSer together.
If you amt suited-if you diskiyer dat
you hev struck Il patch OF Canada thistles
an cant sot still, an if de Odder party dis
kivcrs dat she has taken a tumble OFT de
monument OF Romance an brought up wild
a thud in dc mud-hOle of Reality, you jist
absquatulatcap apart Goquietly an decently
an git on hitched by divorce, an let de
wisdom gained by experience stan at yer
right hand when We make anoder choice.
Brudder Cantileyer, !my feelins an dc feel
ms of dis club am wild We. an our good
wishes, together wild at least 81 wurth OF
tinware, kin be counted on whenever de
fatal OccaShun arr0veS. -.-.1z.