The Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1885-1886, 1886-09-30
Brother Gardner on Marriage.

From the Detroit Free Press
Brudder Amibald Cantilever, it am re
ported dat YOU am about to take unto |
yerself a wife. Dat de report am true
YOUR recent ackshuns am proof. You
has been seen pricin' secondhand stoves,
squintin at 70 dollar bedroom sweets, an
rustlin' aroun' arter bric-a-braC. Mar
rage am muffin you need be ashamed of,
an reckon You kin depend on dis club
to warm up be house fer you and leave
behind some hard, bottomed cheers an IL
few articles of tinware.
Brudderr Cantlever, marriage AN a
lottery or dead-sure thing-jist as you
make it. If you git stuck on slght-fail
in luz wild gal fur her small feet, taper
in waist, dimpled chin or warblin mouf,
an marry her off-hand at about twelve
weeks motifs, YOU needn't be astonished if
dar am a dynamite 'sploshun afore you
YOU hev bin hitched week. Small feet
an good temper dOan sllus go togeth
er. Slim waists an kitchen economy
NAV not work in de same harness. DE
gal who charms you by the way she drums
dc pianner may fatty refuse, as a wife,
to run dem same fingers ober dc wash
bod Firstly, doan' git married, until
You know what you are beIn' Jined to.
Study de gal. Let de feet go an watch
her temper Let de bangs go an watch
her economy. Nebber YOU mind about
de way she dimples her chin, but ak yer
self if she'll make de bed wild de foot low,
er dan de head You has got to do all
de studying Not one gal out OF u thous-
and cher stops 10 size up q luver. 1t hls
Grecian nose or curly ha'r or droopin'
mustache strikes her fancy she'll ne5ber
stop to study his natur' nor to wolry ober
his habits. She is marryin' dat nose, or
head or mustache. A month arter MARI
rjane. when he hauls her arOun' by de HAIR
an slaps her dimplcd jaw she's perfectly
astonshed to think she made SIGH mis-
take
Secondly, Brudder Cantilevcr, arter de
knot has been tied make up yer mind dat
de fucher won't be all plain ssilln'. You
are gwine 10 be tried an tested an trub~
bled, an you bev got TO call up all yer
manhood. You will h'ar de sasser scrapin
dc bottom of the flour bari
when you haven't got cent in
yer pocket De woodpiIe will run out III
Jlnuarv, an de sugar an' bacon will seem
to he carl led off bT lie rats. II yer vii,
am cher so gond-HaIurcd she wlsl hev he'
trials an 'tIibulashuns, an dar may bt
times when she'll riZ up an Claw fur you
In de var gone by my ole women ha'
rushed upon me wild de rollIn pin, an
las retotred in y way to make her ear
ache. but all de time | knowed she wa.
savin' an gOOd~hcarted, an sh'
knowed I'd empty my pockets OF de las
shilhn' to buy her 4 new set vi false frlz
yes. II You AIN suited to each odder al
Occashunal row in de family will prove
d stickin' >plaster, to hold you de clusse
together II you diskIyer dat you hey
struck II patch of Canada thistle an can
sot still, an IT the other party disklver'
dat she has taken tumble off de mOnu
ment of romance an brought up wild
thud in de mud>hole of reality, you OBJ
squatulate apart go quietly an decent,
an Git onhitched by divorce an let d
wisdom gained by experience stan at ye
right hand when We make anoder CHI oiCe
Brudder CaBtilever. my feeins. an d
feelins of dis club am wild We, an on
good wishes. together wild at least s
wurth of tiuwarc, kin he counted ol
whenever de fatal occashun arroves.