Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1886-08-30

The question of the day-"Did you
ever see such weather."
When young man wants to protect a
young lady he puts his armor round her.
A young lady in Boston recently tried
to put up her hair with honey-comb to
make it look sweet.
The fly is not much of an astronomer,
but if there is a cream jug within his
orbit he'll find out all about the milky
way.
ssMy DEAR" he said, sswhat is the diff
ference between ingenious and inge-
nuous?" "The difference between and i,
my love-" she replied.
This is the season of the year when the
manufacturer of furniture polish puts
new labels upon his bottles and sells his
wares as a ''freckle eradicator."
A subscriber wants to know how much
a good fishing outfit costs. We never
priced 'em but we have been told that
the bait alone cost from fifty cents to one
dollar quart, according to quality.
A lady took her little hoy to church for
the first time. Upon hearing the organ
he was on his feet instanter "Sit down, -
said his mother. 81 WON'T" he shouted,
Il want to see the monkey"
Young man if you are in trouble as to
whether girl loves you, don't fret and
worry. 1t might lead her to suspect that
you had placed your best clothing in
pawn and was unable to redeem it.
''Then you are going to the seaside,
soon, Cicely, DEAR" said her morning
caller. 'Oh, bless you, no. We go to
the mountains this year. The seaside
is too damp. 1t ruins all ones nice sum-
mer dresses" eyes that's so, especially
If you try to make them do two seasons,
you know" No need Of fan to close
that interview. 1t was cool enough
without.
Bob Ingersoll recently was talking
with an old colored woman in Washing
ton upon religious matters. "Do you
really believe, Aunty," said he, ''that
people are made out of dust?" eyes,
sah, de bible says dey is, an 1 b'lleves
it," "But what is done in wet weather,
when there's nothing but mud?' sDen l
s'pects dey make intidels an sich truck"
Johnny and his elder sister made up
the class, and Johnny had come to rely on
his sisters industry for his lessons.
"Johnny, upon 'what does the earth re-
volve?" asked the teacher. 'sAx Sis" re-
piled Johnny, scratching his head to
evoke an idea. s'Correct." And as John
ny afterward explained it to compani on
he was ''the puzzledest boy in creation"
celebrated lawyer, who was also well
known for the monumental responsiveness
of his features, once attacked the prison
er at the bar with great bitterness. The
judge advised him several times to use
more moderation; but the lawyer con-
tinued his TRADE: 'sTho wretch bears his
character in his face-any one may read
it. Why he's the uglest man / ever
knew" ''Counsellor," again interrupted
the judge, ''you are forgetting YOURSELF"
"Dear WILL" said the bride of three
months, 81 am really afraid that you
have deceived me. Your breath has sew
eral times smelled of liquor. Now, don't
you drink" ''Why, pet, how can you
suspect me? Drink? To be sure not.
The doctor tells me that | have weak
gums, and occasionally rub them with
alcohol to harden them'' "But, Will,
dear, beer does't smell like alcohol, does
lt?" "Of course, pet. Don't you know
that it is alcohol in beer that makes it in
toxicating? BY the way, pet, there is a
volume of chemistry in my library. You
had better look over that, and you will
understand those matters more fully"