The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1886-02-27
THE ASTHMA.


/ nay lever are one anu Une same. Inc
folks are wrong. Asthma is an affec-
ton of the throat. Hay fever is an af-
| fectation of the mind. A man can
! have the asthma on dollar day and
bread and water. He can't have
| genuine, first-class case of hay fever
unless he has an income of twenty
thousand a year. A three months va
cation will cure the hay fever. Nothing
milder than a hypodermic injection of
cold lead, introduced under the left
ear, is a safe cure for the asthma.
One of the symptoms of asthma is a
tendency to longevity on the part of
the subject, if he is carefully watched.
The good die young, but the man with
the asthma lives to see his grand
children married. 1t has long been
matter of much scientific speculation
as to what became of estimates. They
| disappear, like mules, but you never
hear of a dead one. My opinion is,
however, that if coroners were more
thorough in their Investigations, much
light would be thrown on this impor-
tant question. If they went deeper into
the antecedents of parties who ''get on
| to" the mysteries of the Great Beyond
by jumping off of docks, blowing out
the gas. making luncheon of rat poi
son, and by other equally cheerful and
effective mediums, there would be very
few verdicts of the regulation form
"Came to his death by his own hand.
Cause unknown. Very few. But there
would be many after the following
form: "Came to his death by his own
hand. Confirmed victim of the asthma
habit"
A man with the asthma never catches
any thing else, unless he sleeps in a
HOboken hotel in the summertime. No
asthmatic that ever grabbed for wind
can scare the Jersey mosquito. But he
can't catch smallpox, malaria, lock-
jaw, nor mumps, no more than an oyster
can catch the ear-ache. But he can
catch fish, for even the asthmatic can
lie. Except down. He can't lie down
If he does, his wind-pipe and all and
singular his bronchial tubes inaugurate
an early-closing movement at once
and push it heartily. The luxurious
couch of the custodian of thorough
bred case of asthma is a gentle flag
bottom chair, with high. straight back.
There's one good thing about the
asthma. You daren't exert yourself
any if you have it., If man with the
asthma laughs heartily, you've got to
pump wind into him for ten minutes
afterward. had an asthmatc friend
once, who was so constantly afraid that
some one would tell him funny story,
or that something would happen on the
street to make him laugh, that he
stayed home all day, and in the evening
stole quietly through back streets to
the theater where the lateet comic
opera was being sung.
/ Carrying a scuttle of coal up the eel
lar stairs, or pail of water from the
; pump, is direct affront to the asthma,
! and it will howl like saw being filed il
t it is insulted that way. l heard of a
} young fellow who got tired, once, Of
toting the coal upstairs, a month oil
so after he was married, and he worked
the asthma dodge on his innocent anC
indulgent wife. She couldn't bear to
see him suffer, so she carried the coal.
bod herself. One night my fly young
, laddy-buck got home late after an
evening with the boys, and was Just d
trifle elegant His wife was a real nice
wife and she didn't say word. Next
morning she remarked, however:
Jack, want bod of coal from the
cellar"
"Now, my dear said Jack, whitney,
like: ''you know how it affects me tC
carry coal upstairs"
{ THAT won't do any more, Jack, y
S said the innocent wife: Amy one who
q could get upstairs with the load you
! carried last night, and never wheeze
l 70 show for it, can't play the short.
+ winded dodge off on little hod Of
, coal"
! And Jack has carried the coal ever
since
: l said no one had ever seen a dead
asthmatic. I'm wrong. | saw one,
once. He was killed right before my
eyes, much to his great JOY and salts.
faction. He was friend of mine. He
; started in with the asthma fifty-three
years previous to his death, and was as
yet only an infant, as estimates run.
liz ndu bIlCo I'LL llO lcNcl-ldlllllS1
asthma cures there are, and his asthma
: got fat on them, so to speak. He even
took the advice of friend, who said il
could be starved out, and went to live
! in Brooklyn clearinghouse to give
the prescription the best kind of a
: chance. But it wouldn't work, and my
friend had settled down with his phthisic
and was indulging in the daily pastime
! of clutching for breath, when, fortu-
nately, funny man went to board in
the house. He was ''corker." MY
friend and the asthma had been having
a weeks picnic, and it had left him
almost as robust as shad in June. As
he sat in his chair, one day, whooping
and wheeling and gasping, the funny
man came in.
! GLOW you feelin'. old man?" he said.
'Not-very-muscular," gasped my
friend.
Asthma readily be seen!'' almost
yelled the funny man, and he slapped
me on the back.
c, glared at him. My friend fell back
in his chair. A smile almost heavenly
! played about his face. He evidently
had caught a glimpse of the shining