The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1886-09-02
WIT AND HUNEoIs.

Amateur photographer-'Yes. she u
quite charming woman. By the way,
did You know l got an excellent mega
i've of her the other daye" Friend who
knows him-''Well. by jove, I don't
blame her. ''-Rdrtfort Post.
A Chicago man. recently back from
Europe, was asked what he thought Of
the scenery in Switzerland. II don't
think much of it." he said; Its too
billy. Give me Illinois for scenery every
Ime. "-Indidnapol Journal
A newly-converted reporter thus
notices a minstrel troupe: '.Eor those
who do not consider it sin to witness
minstrel shows this entertainment will
furnish pleasant relaxation from re-
viVal meetings. "-Kunkers ReUictO.
81 am sorry wasn't at your fathers
funeral, Miss Mollie." Faith, and you
didn't miss much. 1t was very quiet
Beer at the wake and only one band at
the cemetery. You know father always
detested any ceremony like. Puck.
There is a man % years old living in
Athens who purchased his first pair Of
shoes Friday. This is long time to go
barefooted, but it must be considered
during this time. Columbus (Go. En-
Quirer.
Observation-Disclosures. hear that tips
ing-ho1sesP'' Water Gin expectancy)-
''Yes, sab, they is, sab" RuSticus--
'Well, you may bring me a plate Of
1en. Durn'd if 1 don't go the whole
businessr'- ITG-Bits.
Summer boarder-'You have q re-
markably fine lot of chickens, ] sea"
Farmer-'EYes, and, MIR. Spin you
may not believe it but those chickens
seldom die. Why, whenever we want
one to eat we generally have to 60 out
and kill it,"-ITd-BitS
Hardacre was YEARLY watching q
most Villainously poor game Of base
ball. What clubs are theyP" he asked.
'They are picked Mines" replied
scorer. ''Then." said the suffering
spectator, ''they were picked before
they were pe."-BrOObly" Eagle.
At Hotel Bungtown-on-the-Sea-
Colored chambermaid to lady just ar
rived: ''Yes'm, we've been 'spectin'
you. Yore rooms ready. an all you's
plumbers dispacked an ranged. Bed
airedP Yes'n, seed to dat. slep' in
it fur de las free nights myself. It'd
Bits.
She-"John, why do you spend so
much time at the ball gamesP hear
of your being there every time they
play. Don't you consider it a waste Of
time and money!" He-''Heavens,
sort of standing in the business world2"
--ITd-BttS.
Customer-"Was tLat carbonate of
soda YOU gave me about ten minutes
agoP" Drug clerk Cooking at bottle)
why, no; how stupid of me! 1t was
strychnine. I'll change the bottle back
again, and I hope the mistake will not
occur again. Good-day. sir."-PHilG-
dekphtG Item.
Audi alteram partem-"Constapt
Reader" is quite right in thinking that
something may be said on both sides;
but we draw the line at manuscript
AT last advices his communication was
slumbering sweetly among the rejected
poems that crowd our waste basket
Boston Transcript.
Extract from a young Newport swelfs
note to friend: Sorry Can't bee in
Produced two Your sister This afternoon,
mi Valet left mi Three o'clock Suit in
new York an kouldent Go out in q
Checked suit Then. Orfully sorry.
Faithfully yours, Algernon BERTHE Silly"
--NeI0 York Nail.
The water carts of Lowell are decora-
ted with patent medicine advertise
ments. An innocent Irishman from the
rural districts looked at one the other
| day and remarked: Faith, it's no
| wonder Lowell is healthy whin they
Wather the streets with IS SarsAr
parIlla- "-LOEoeH Citizen.
Bebe il given two oranges because
she has behaved well; Come" said
her mother, don't be greedy. Give
one of them to your little brother"
Bebe, with very good grace, holds out
the fruit to her brother. ''You may
choose" said she, ''but don't take the
biggest one. "-Paris Figaro.
There is much discussion as to the
propriety of putting doodle into the
dictionary. AS it would have to come
under the head of B, and consequently
after Alderman, and as it is we'll known
that Alderman is always after doodle, p"
it would, we think, look very much out
OF place 0nkerS Statesman.
Eastern drummer Ito st. Louis mer-
chant-"That was pretty bad failure
Veil. you vas right it vas. 1t vas de
worst failure of de season. His CREDIT.
ors made him bay seventy-five cents on
de dollar. 1t is peter to stay in PEGS
ness as to fail like dot Puck.
The Buffalo Courier claims that the
word programme is mIsspelled when
given in this shape, program. Yet
we see the Courier uses the word tele-
gramme in a similar shape-viz: ''tele.
gramme and others. VIII the Courier
please explain the discriminatione-
ELDlirG advertiser.
soI .
man marked with his initials coming
back to him after an absence of twenty
three years. Queer, wasn't it?" 30.
don't know, Bromley. passed coin
in a bazaar at Constantinople thirty
wears ago and" lit came back "a
you" ''The same afternoon, Brom.
ley. It was q counterfeit "-PbiIadek
p1siG Call.
May to Flora (both daughters of law
yers)-'O, Flora! have just received d
love-letter from my Charlie, and paps
forbids the correspondence. and / do
want SO much to keep his letter; 30 what
! shall 1 do to keep papa from getting it7'
Flora-"Why, May, find it the safest
to put such secrets in my fathers Law
books They are never disturbed there. =
Washington Critic.
Man Ito friend)-'You didn't seen
to treat that gentleman with politeness.' >
Friend-'I spoke rather roughly i ad.
nit" Man-"You have changed to
ward him The other day saw you
cordially shaking hands with him >
Friend-"Yes, he owed me then, but ht
has paid me; consequently you see thai
} am no longer under obligations *
him. "-ArEGnsaS Traveller.
Carlotta is much interested Just nov
IN learning to tell time, and, coming il
from her Kindergarten the other day
said: Mamma. Julia can tell the tins
always except when it's quarter of, anG
] think that's pretty funny; for if SD,
can tell always except when it's quartel
; Of should think she'd know when she
couldn't tell that it must be quarter Of.
, Boston Journal
: A fellow named Rad Clovis, who
died recently at Chattanooga, Ga, We
well known as a joker. During tn
war Gen. Sherman called at his house
The whole earth in that neighborhooC
was blue with Yankees. Rad went tC
/ tho door. and "a he f<.okr IN 4,