The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1886-11-27
"Married Mans Indicator

llC ldlOot ROllluo wiz llco dPpIlCo lOA
patent, says the Washington CORE
spondent of the St. Paul Dispatch, is
the man who has invented what is known
as The Married Mans Indicator 1t
is wonderful, sensitive arrangement of
the ordinary thermometer in convenient
pocket size, and is graded to scale of
cabalistic marks, which show the exact
state of the domestic atmosphere at any
hour of the night. The hardworked
and belated husband arrives at home say
about midnight. He takes out the in
dicator, thrusts it through the keyhole,
and let it remain there few seconds.
Pulling it out quickly he scans the dial
by the moonlight's ftful cleaning. If
it marks IS. A. (sound asleep the
poor husband pulls off his boots noise
lessly, uses the night-key with bated
breath, gives the door quick pull to
keep it from creaking, steals trembling
to bed, and when his dear wifey wakes
up about two seconds afterwards and
wants to know how long he has been
home he is sound asleep. If the indi-
Gator scores "a. A. c., B. D. K. w. t.
(awake, awful cross, but does not know
what time it is, the husband puts few
more grains of coffee in his mouth, opens
the door boldly and walks in with a
slam-bang air, hits his boots intention
ally against chair, wants to know why
the devil chairs don't keep out of his
way, gets desperately mad on general
principles, scares his wife clean out of
her crossness and curtain lectures, re-
fuses to let her get up and strike match
never did like a light at night nohow
remarks gruf1y in response to timid
query that it's about twenty minutes
after ten, and then turns into bed with
such an apparent awful state of mind
that the wife of his bosom is afraid to
speak to him, at which he is very sad,
of course.
There are other marks on the indica-
tor showing just where it will do to play
the lodge dodge, or the sick friend,
or 'been standing on the corner talking
to so and-so for more than an hour or
General or honorable this or that from
you know where was in town and had
to go away on the o'clock train, and
he insisted SO strongly that the whole
party stay up to see him off, although
he was great bore, and we only did it
through courtesy But the most awful
of all the cabalistic signs on the dial is
the one at the top, about two marks
above boiling point.
When the weary husband comes home
about four a. M, from the direction of
the butcher shop, with roll of meat
held high in the air so that every one
who passes cannot fail to see it, and
sticks the indicator in the keyhole, he
is almost too weak to draw it out. With
hair on ends he reads it by the faint
light streaming in upon him from over
the eastern hills, and sweat breaks out
upon his noble brow in drops as large
as walnuts and he sees the bulb of the
indicator jammed smack up against 'R.
H., S. w. F. Y. I. T. d. (red-hot,
still waiting for you inside the door,
The inventor of the instrument says that
when man has a terrible misfortune to
overtake him, he feels that there is moth
ing left in life worth living for.
He sings the meat out into the yard
and braces himself for the coming fray,
but says nothing, for nothing can be
said. Be he ever SO gifted liar, his
accomplishment is more than valueless.
No lodge, no sick friend, no talking on
the corner, no sitting up to see the
General off, no swearing that he will
never do it again-in fact, nothing will
prevail. 1t is an indefensible case.
He is caught. Even the CHASTITY gay
ETY. with which two hours previous he
had said to the boys he guessed he would
see it out, might as we'll be killed for a
sheep as lamb, had all vanished. The
indicator having told him the exact state
of things, he knows exactly what 10 do,
and that is nothing but get in bed at
once and wrap the drapery of his couch
about him, pull the pillow over his eyes,
and wait for his wife's breath to give
out. It's awful while it lasts, but it has
its use in relieving the unfortunate hus-
band of his great load of anxiety. The
indicator is a great invention. Col.
Montgomery will allow it to 60 through
if possible.