Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-01-28
WIT AND HUMOR.


Times wants her to turn the rascals out.
= Omaha Herals.
Beware of overeating,n says medi-
cal advertisement; '.it causes dyspepsia
and death" Yes, beware of overeating.
Death, you know, loves dining shark.
Philadelphia Chronicle.
A girl at Memphis has horsewhipped
her prospective father-in-law for en-
deavoring to induce his son to break off
the match. This looks like solemn
warning for the young man. Pittsbatrg
Chronicle.
MA, did you read in the paper about
fascinating Bees in Mainep' asked
Mildred. why, no, my DEAR" replied
the old lady. II did not even know
that bees ever took the smallpox. -
Pittsburg Chronicle.
Scene: Reception in Philadelphia.
Young gentleman Waiter, bring me
a spoon for the ice-cream, instead of this
fork" Waiter 0rom New York ok
cuse me; | clean forgot | vas this night
in Philadelphia. !"
1t is rumored that one of our maya
zines next year will publish an Ameri-
can novel the scene of which is not laid
in Boston; but it is not safe to believe
such wild rumors until they are verified
-NorriStoaon Herald.
A poet says: ..There is always sun
rise somewhere" This is comforting.
To the man who is just going to bed
there comes the happy consolation that
somebody has to get up and go to work.
-American Hebrew.
The stingiest man on record lives in
Hart County. 1t is sworn to and sub
scribed to by many witnesses that he
always gets behind tree to look at his
watch for fear some one will ask him
the time of day.-HartaceH (Ga.) San.
A correspondent travelling in Nor
mandy tells London Truth that in the
Church of Elbeuf the other Sunday the
cure, after his sermon, said: my dear
parishioners, please put only silver in
the plate. as it takes such long time to
count coppers. :"
''You say that the women of Timbuc-
too have their noses bored and wear
Jewels in them?a $50 travellers assert. -
''Then a Timbuctoo woman must be
like the Puritan yacht" '.How do you
make that outPi Because she has her
scenter bored. ~ Boston Courier.
The Enquirer overheard little s.
year-old girl say to its mother last even
ing: Mother. / believe God thinks I'm
dead" ''Whyg' asked the mother,
somewhat astonished at the remark.
i" Cause haven't said my prayers for
a week. n-Richmo,ad lind. Enquirer.
Il never was exactly buried alive"
said an old clerk, recounting his ex-
periences, "but / once worked in store
that did not advertise. When | came
out my head was almost as white as
you now see it. Solitary confinement
did it y Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.
'1t's through no fault of mine,n COM
planned a tired-looking young man,
''that came into the world. But | am
here, and the world owes me living"
Yes" was the reply. 1.-The world owes
you a living, but you haven't energy and
spunk enough to collect it. ~ y. Sun.
A well-regulated newspaper-man must
have faith in his wood-pile, hope in a
bright future. and charity that reaches
out beyond delinquent subscribers.
Faith, hope, and charity comprise the
most difficult tripartite alliance there is
in this world to keep up with. Baker
city (Ore.) Sage-Brush.
Young Contributor TO country editor)
-"Will you kindly look at this poem,
sir?" Country Editor Certainly; we
are always anxious for good poetry.
[Reading.] HIM! On Linden. when
the sun was low etc. Handing
it back:1 Sorry, sir; it's very fair, but
not quite up to our standard"
Fond father" How is your boy get
ting on at college, Smith, smith
"First-rate, | believe Fond father
Strange; my boy doesn't stand well in
his class at all; and yet believe he is a
very hard student. What do you sup
pose can be the matter?n Smith
Maybe he's too hard. ~ Y. Mail.
Highwaymen in Boston universally
complain that the business there is
dismal failure. No true-bred Bostonian
would ever give cent to "A plebeian
robber who should say, Your money
or your lifer' and before the highway.
men can calculate. Your pecuniary
assets or your existencer' his intended
victim is away out of sight. SonleruiAe
(Mass.) journal.
IS lch ignorancer' exclaimed a South
Side girl, looking up from her paper.
What is it?" asked her father. .Why,
at q civil-service examination in Georgia
one applicant said that Shakespeare was
the author of Gray's Elegy in Country
Churchyard.' !" THAT don't seem
right. Who did write it?n "Why,
Tennyson, of course. PittSburg Ctron-
icle.
A call was made at the post-office this
week for a special-delivery stamp. Post.
master Halves asked where the party
wished to send the letter The appli-
cant said it was to 90 to Cuthbert, when
the Postmaster told him that Cuthbert
was not a special-delivery office. The
applicant replied that it didn't make a
bit of difference with him, that he pro-
posed to try the new system anyway
Lstmpkin (Ga.) Independent.
"Papa, what is tornado?" asked q
youthful seeker after information.
CHANGING nervously around the room to
see if the coast was clear, the old man
said: you have often heard your
mother blowing me up for bringing
company home without previously mott
fying herPn yes, SIR ''Well, that is
as much like Il tornado as anything
know of. But you needn't tell your
mother that | said SO, however "
N. Y. Journal.
She had just dropped in for morn
ing call on her way downtown. do
You know, Cicely dear, said she, that
it is awfully warm; but Isuppose I must
wear this fur-trimmed dolman any
how" 30, didn't notice you had it
on. Is it the same one YOU had last
year?" mo, it isn't, I'd have YOU
know. It's brand new and you knew
it. +" It's "A very bad practice, this
making morning calls; always leads to
the shedding of tears. Hartford Post
A wealthy Dallas lady. just coming
from church, was accosted by ragged
urchin. who begged her for dime.
"And what would you do with the dime
if | gave you one?' asked the lady.
.Please, ma am. I'd buy bread" re-
piled the lad. Poor child" pionsly
observed the lady, you know not that
man liveth not by bread alone. have
no dime with me, but if you will come
to my house I'll give you couple OF
tracts written expressly for little bows