davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
WORK OF FUNNY MEN.
A Family Calendar and Book of Health
and Humor for the Million.

A Family Calendar and Book of Health
and Humor for the Million.
We are in receipt OF little book
which. in richness of humor and gro
tesgueness of illustration, may be said,
in the language of the wild West, to
take the cake It is simply drawing
it mild to say that it contains some Of
the best examples Of American hunor
ever published; and the contributors,
who are well-known in the field of let
tiers. have really excelled all former
efforts. The illustrations by comic art
lists are also in direct harmony with
the text. Bill Nye'' tells his ex-
perience with a cyclone. E. K Mum
kittrick, of P,tcE, rhymes funnily on
the four seasons. Mr.. II. D. I'm bStaet-
ter, the originator of the book. de-
scribes his wrestle with Il grilled bone
in ''merrie England. and M. Quad"
of the Detroit Free Press. gives some
quaint aphorisms of ''Brrdder Card
ner's.' The book, in fact. is not one
to be glanced at and Laid aside and for
gotten, but can be taken up with pleas
ure at any time. Its title is the st
Jacobs OF Family Calendar a7ad Book
of Health and HaG77,o7' tor The Million for
1886. 1t is published by the Charles
A Vogeler Company, Baltimore. Md,
the proprietors of St. Jacobs Ola
remedy which is universally known as
the only cure for rheumatism and all
bodily pains. and which has been in
dorsed by leading men in every coun-
try in the world. Red Star Cough
Cure, the new twenty-five cent remedy
for throat and Lung troubles, which is
also being manufactured by this house,
has received the Endorsement of legis-
lators and boards of health on account
of its freedom from dangerous opiates
and its prompt efficacy. The book is
distributed in large cities by carriers
and in small towns by druggists. When
there is any difficulty in obtaining it. q
stamp sent to The Charles A. VogeIer
Company, will insure copy by mail.
Exchange.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
A NEAT TRICK.
How sneals-Thief Was Trapped and
Harse-Whipped.
Lst. Louis Post Dispatch.1


Mr.. Frank Wyman. of the Simmons
Hardware Company, and well known in
the business community, effected the cap
ture OF sneak thief in very clever man.
ner last Saturday. For several weeks past
Mr.. Wvman has been missing articles from
mis- buggy, and in order to detect the thief
he rugged up muskrat trap in an open
box and placed it under the buggy seat.
The chain Of the trap he secured to the
foot-bar of the buggy, to prevent the es-
cape OF any queer fish he might capture in
his novel trap. Thus fixed for the enemy.
Mr.. Wyman started out Locust street. At
Seventeenth street he was startled by
series of loud outcries and
screams hailing from the rear
of the buggy. Turning in
his seat, Wvman beheld d good-sized
hoodlum of about eighteen years. engaged
in frantic struggle to free his hand from
the muslzrat trap, in which it was securely
caught. Wyman whipped up his horse
and drove up Locust TO Jefferson avenue
at a brisk trot, the thief dragging on be-
hind as fast as his legs could carry him.
emitting yelp at every jump. At Jeffer-
son avenue Mr.. Wyman pulled up. He
obtained the assistance of small boy to
hold his horse, and taking his buggy whip
from it's socket he laid the lash across the
chained hoodluH's shoulders. After adj
ministering a severe chastisement the thief
was released. Wyman considers himself
square now Ior every laiz. ne has lost.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

A Suggestion That the Remuneration
Should Not Be Higher Than IF the EN-
pIoyes Were Private Individuals
There was force in the suggestion of
the printers employed in the Govern
ment Printing Office at Washington
that they were as well entitled to higher
wages than were paid TO printers in
private employ as the clerks in the
departments are to higher salaries than
individuals and private corporations
paw for the same kind of work. The
force OF the suggestion is not of kind
to strengthen the demand of the print
ers. It does not show or tend to show
that they should receive higher wages
for their work because they are in Gov
eminent service than they would for
the same work in private employ. But
it does show that the Government clerks
should be governed by the same rule
It is not surprising that honest arti-
sans and workingmen in the service not
only of the United States but of the
State and the city, should have their
attention called to the fact that Gov
eminent clerks are better paid than
clerks in private life Nor is it very
surprising that they should conclude
that they should receive similar con-
sideration. But the true remedy for
the irregularity is not in making the
workingmen employed by Government
a favored class. 1t is in putting the
clerical force upon a proper basis IN the
matter of wages.
There is no sound reason whv the
Government of the Nation, the State,
or the city, should pay any more for
the service it requires than private
individual would have to pay for the
same service. And If it were not for
the spoils system any overpayment of
public employees would be condemned
so strongly and generally that it could
not possibly be continued. But for
that system. indeed. the notion of such
overpavment could never have got it
self established in practice If it had
never come TO be regarded as neces-
sarv that a Government servant should
bear 4 particular party label, or that
his employment should depend upon
considerations wholly distinct from his
capacity or fitness. the idea of paving
him any more than a private employee
would never have been entertained for
4 moment
If the civil service ever reaches the
point-as it one day may-of absolute
divorce from politics and the spoils
system, this discrimination between
public and private employment. which
is one OF the worst effects of the sys-
tenn. will be wiped out. A govern
ment wholly free in the manner of Sc
Letting its employees will not consent to
pay more for service rendered than
private employers do.-Detro1 Free
Press
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
PiTH AND POINT.

. There are eight million piano-play-
ers in this country. We have much I'd
be thankful for. it might be ten million,
or even more.-DaaaUt3te Breeze.
-Assessor-Th land seems to be
very fertile2 FarmerQuite SO. Even
If the crops do fail, the taxes on it al
ways grow--Ghscago Ledger.
A woman may not be able to
sharpen pencil OF throw d stone at a
hen, but she can pack more articles IN
trunk than a man can IN one-horse
wagon.-Hot Springs Neacs.
-"Have you read Whatshisname' S
poe1na'' mo. sir, [ don't read poetry,
I write it, well, [ suppose that does
prejudice you against verse somewhat;
but I can assure you that some poetry is
really worth reading. boston Tran
SCRIPT.
"A Young man who held Il loaded
pistol TO his head. and threatened to
blow his brains out unless the girl who
had refused him would consent TO have
him. was coally told by the young Lady
he would have TO blow some brains into
his head first He didn't blown 2.
Independent.
-Esmeralda Longcoffin-I believe,
Mr.. McGinnis. that you think [ am a
stupid creature. Hostetter McGinnis-
0, no, nothing of the kind. Nobody
can be called stupid who can so accu-
rateiy divine the thoughts of another as
you have done mine.-Teasas Sitttngs.
Robbie, said his father. you We
sat there looking out OF the window and
haven't moved muscle for thirtv-tive
minutes. Now, why couldn't you sit
still that way this morning?' s'Sit still
this morningP echoed Robbie, in amaze
ment. How could I sit still this morn
inga I was in church!' Burdette.
Miss Diffident-Aunty, you don't
understand Italian. and your applaud
ing at the wrong time attracts attention
to YOU from all over the house. Mrs.
Vulgarien (sharply)-My dear, you see
this new wrap? It cost eight hundred
dollars to import. What do you think
I came here for?'-PbtJadeG1ltsa Press.
"A countryman and his bride applied
at the box-office for tickets. Orchestra
chair. parquette or family circie2" asked
the ticket-seller. '.Which'0 it be- Ma
rier?' asked the groom. We'll. she
replied. with Il blush. ''bein' as how
we re married now, p rhaps it would be
proper TO sit in the family circle. -
Nashville Aneric97a.
The Locomotive publishes engrav-
ings in each issue. showing how boilers
look just after they have exploded. This
doesn't seem to hit the case at all. What
is needed is picture showing fow a
boiler looks just before it is going to ex-
plode We could then learn when to
get out of the way.-Neeo HareA Regis
ter.
Whistler, the artist. who writes
about '.nocturnes in red" symphonies
in blue" and arrangements in white, -
is coming to this country to lecture.
This move is supposed to be an ar
rangement in gold but Whistler may
personate nocturne IN blue when he
returns home minus the American dol
lars he covets. N0rr1StoaO72 Herald.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
AN UNRLuSHING STATESMAN.
john sherman Makes Statements Which
Ought to Make u Cucumber Turn Grim


Senator John Sherman. when adj
dressing the Ohio Legislature the other
day, was kind enough to speak we'll of
the New York election laws as safe
guards against fraudulent voting. He
held up the New York system as an ex-
ample for Ohio to initiate. The purity
of the ballot, ne thinks. isnot sufficient
| IL protected in Ohio:
THE time has arrived when both political
| parties should address themselves to this
question. ana prevent fraudulent voting. For
myself. could never see in State affairs that
politics should be brought play. 1t IS
different with great National questions. In
State affairs you should be patriotic, regard
less OF political affiliations. and regard this
| question from the same standpoint. Its ap-
parent that there ought to be general revls-
ion of the election laws The purity of t1s
ballot IS dependent upon single districts and
small voting precincts The occurrences
wuca have happened recently should con-
vince men OF all political opinions that a rad
ical change should be made
This plea for honest voting, for the
purity OF the ballot. for additional
safeguards against fraud in elections,
sounds strange enough from the lips of
the statesman who was the chief pro-
| moter in Louisiana of the fraud by
which the vote of that State was stolen
ten years ago. and who received as his
pay the office of Secretary of the
Treasury. But Sherman did not blush.
Then the unbushing statesman went
on to compliment the man whom he
helped to defrasd:
II invite your attention TO the example set
nv the treat state of New YORK. In that
State. n lSjS. great frauds were perpetrated
by Il mail whose name will be repudiaIed by
any party-3asS Tweed Then it that
men of bntn political parties went TO work
and reformed their election laws. IF il had
not been done civil war would have been IN
evITa5ie Men OF boLh parties resolved upon
reformation. anu il resulted III the best cleo
ton law world. In the dispute, last
fall. over the election they awaited the OFF,
the most distinguished men to bring about this
reform was Samuel j. Tiiden. and L am glad
to speak OF it here
At this point the Ohio Legislators
burst into applause Perhaps it was
the name of Tilden that provoked the
demonstration. Perhaps it was the
statement that elections are purer in
New York than in Ohio CT Louisiana.
for example. Perhaps it was the con-
Summate audacity which enabled John
Sherman to keep his blood In his heels
while awakening memories shameful
enough to have made a cucumber turn
crimson He never blushed.
Did any man or woman living ever
see the color of conscious gailt come
into John Sherman's eheekse-N r
Saxaa-
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
THRONDTJEM.
4 Swedish Town With a MarveIousIy Rich
History.

- q
History.
The town of Throndtiem. Sweden, is
the northernmest railway station in
Europe, and is the seat of the most
northern cathedral The charms of the
place are thus described by recent tray
eler: Surely the cradle of Scandinavian
Christianity is one of the most beautiful
places in the world, No one had ever
told US about it. and we went there only
because it is the old Throndtiem of sages
and ballads. and expecting wonderful
and beautiful cathedral. But the whole
place is dream of loneliness. so ex-
quisite in the soft. silvery morning light
on the fyord and delicate mountain
ranges. the rieh nearer hills covered
with bilberries, and breaking into steep
cliffs-that one remains In state of
transport, which is at a climax while all
is eHgraven upon an opal sunset sky,
when an amethystine glow spreads
over the mountain, and when
ships and buildings meet their
double in the still, transparent
water Each wide street of curious low
wooden houses displays new vista of
sea. of rocky promontories. of woods
dipping iF1to the water: and at the end
of the principal streets is the gray, nas-
siye cathedral where 5. Olaf is buried.
and where northern art and poetry have
exhausted their loveliest and most pa
thstie fancies around the grave of the
national hero. The Cathedral Garden
for SO the graveyard is called. is most
touching. Acres upon acres of graves
are all kept-not by officials. but by the
families they belong to-like gardens.
The tombs are EMPOWERED in roses and
honeysuckie. and each little green
mound has its own vase for cut flowers
daily repIenished. and a seat for the sur
vivors. which is daily occupied. so that
the link between the dead and the living
ID never broken. ~ r. Observer.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

Pile. It has been applied as vet to not
more than fifteen per cent. of the en-
ployes of the Government. Beyond
these nothing but the promises and the
policy of the President prevent a clean
sweep at any time. With the law in
force certain faithful employees are Sc
cure In their positions during good be-
hayior, no matter which party may be
in the ascendancy, and the political
managers are powerless to blackmail
them for campaign purposes The re-
peal Of the law, even If it could be eff
fected, would not change the policy OF
the present Administration in the
least, and it would fix on the party re-
sponsible for it stigma which could
not easily be removed. Chicago Her.
| aid
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
JUDICIAL SALARIES.
The Bill Opposed Which Seeks Uniformity
of Compensation.


of Compensation.
The bill which passed the Senate
to fix the salaries of United States
district Judges at uniform rate OF
$4,000 annually was opposed by some
Southern and Southwestern Sem
ators. who think that the pay which
satisfies q county Judge in an agricuI-
tural community ought to be enough
to command the services of a United
States district Judge in New York.
Philadelphia or Chicago. The fact that
State Judges in large cities are paid al
most always much greater salary
than the United States judges seems to
be matter OF no consequences to the
economical opponents Of the proposed
slight increase. That the Federal
courts ought not TO be placed at a re-
Iative disadvantage to the State courts
around them is Il proposition few Will
gainsav Yet the fact that meager
salaries are paid Federal judges where
State JUDGES receive comparatively
liberal recognition is unjust TO the
United States Judges and is calculated
to deprive the Federal bench of as
high order of talent as the State courts
in the same places easily secure
There are thirtv-six United States
district Judges. One who sits IN San
Francisco gets 30, 900 a year; one In
New Orleans receives $500; eight.
who hold court in the largest cities in
the United States. get 1000 each.
and the for.F-six others have to be con-
tent with $500. Within the last ten
wears some sf the strongest Judges on
the United States Circuit and District
bench have resigned their places on ae-
count of the inadeguaey of the salary.
That salary was fixed long ago, when
the country was poor and the cost of
living in . style BETTING judge was
much less than now. It should have
been raised long ago, and the OPPOSE
ton of such msn as Morgan, though
ostensibly made ON the ground al
ECONOMY, is really dictated by hostility
to the Federal judges themselves. The
United States Judge in Alabama
he informed the Senate, is inferior In
attainments to every other in the State.
and. therefore he is opposed to increas-
ing his salary. In spite of this
weigkty objection. the Senate passed
the bill. but there is danger that the
Democrats in the House will Incline to
the oninion that it is hardly worth
while to increase Judicial salaries until
there are few more Democrats on the
Federal hench. -2isiadelphia Press
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
Al PLuCKY HUNTER.

Victoria Id. c.l Chief.I


Victoria d. c.1ChiefI
On Saturday last George Bridges, nf
Cedar Hill, and formerly mail carrier be-
tween this city and StoolSe. met With a
painful accident while hunting deer in the
Stoke Hills, and underwent more suffer
ing until he reached town than falls to the
lot of many men. Bridges had killed two
deer. and with the carcasses of the ami
mails ON his back started to return to camp.
where he had left a companion. When
distant about mile and a half from the
road. on the big mountain back of Sam
Morrow's ranch, Bridges slipped, and.
owing TO the weight he was carrying,
fell heavily TO the ground. At
the first moment he did not think any
thing serious had occurred, but when he
attempted TO rise he found he had broken
his left leg between the knee and ankle.
He immediately fred ten shots from his
rifle in rapid succession to let his compan-
ions know that something was wrong. and
then shouted and screamed at the top Of
his voice. The reports of the shots were
heard by the man in camp, who promptly
started down in search of his friend. Led
by the shouts and cries of the mi ured man.
he approached within distance of fifty
yards, and could distinctly hear Bridges
say he had broken his leg. Being deaf in
one ear, however, and the echo of the voice
in the hills proving confusing, he went past
the place where the MANNED man lay.
Bridges cries failed to make him return.
and he gradually walked out of
hearing. Bridges now realized that
il he was ever to reach camp he should
make the attempt alone and at once. TAX
ing strap from around his waist, he
strapped the wounded limb as well as he
could. and dragging his rifle, which he
sometimes used as crutch, he commenced
his terrible and painful journey. Crawl
ing upon his hands and knees over stunps,
stones and bramb1es. through thick under
brush, he slowly and painfully made his
way. With an amount of endurance
which few men are possessed of, he never
faltered at the undertaking. His pluck
surrounded obstacles which would have
made many men give up in despair, and
after crawling down the mountain and
through a deep creek. he at last reached
the road. his hands scratched, bruised and
torn, and his pants worn from his legs
from the thigh to the ankle. He was there
joined by his companion and assisted into
the wagon, starting at once for the city.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11
Corts Investigation.

Senator Payne has mailed a letter 30
tae chairman eff the recently appointed
Investigating csmmittee of the lower
Hoatse of the Ohio Legislature. Of which
the following is copy:
USxTEu STATES SExATE. WASHINGTON. Jan.
fs-TAe HoH T'aas- Il Cotcgiu, Ghaas-aass. Co
lusaf.es&-SrR: As one branch OF the General
Assembly has appointed a special committee
of which YOU the chairman. To InSesf, gate
the conduct OF the Democratic caucus. which,
in January. 1854. nominated candidate Tor
United States Senator. and as tins matter 10
TINS raised to the plane OF responsibility, and
placed in charge OF inreiiIsent anu nohoranie
rentiemeu T propose to give It appropri ate at
fentfon For M self invite the most thor
ourt and rigid scrutiny. NY private eorre-
snSnfieuce and books of accosuI will De cheer
fa1liv subm tied co -FOUR insf,eeEson- you de-
GIVEN wficf1 IN the slightest degree tacuicates
ma may be afforded an opportunity Oh ap-
ueaxfng before the COMMITTEES. AN. very re-
sps0s&s' 81. b. PAYNE
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

"THE plays the thing
Wherein I'll reach the conscience of the king"
And equally true is it that DR.. Pierce's
Pleasant Purga5iye Pellets'' (the original
Little Liver Pills. are the most effectual
means that can be used to reach the seat of
disease. cleansing the bowels and system
and assisting nature in her recuperative
work. By druggists.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

1--WE know a gentleman IN this county who.
months ago. almost hopeless cripple from an
attack of rheumatism. He could scarcely h0bb0
the room used crutehes and said himself THAI
he had little If any hope of ever recovering We saw
him in our town last week. walking about lively a.
any other man, and in the finest health and Spirits
Upon our inquiry as to what had worked such won
erfui change In his condition. he replied that s. s. s..
had cured him. After using dozen and q half bot
ties, he has been transformed from miserable crppc
to happy. healthy He is none other than MI.
E. B. Lambert. '-Sgicanfa Telephone.
Treatise on Blood and Skin Diseases mailed FREQ
THE SWIFT Specific Co, Drawer 3 Atlanta, Gu
or ISL W. I'D Street, N. z.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

IF afflicted with Sore Eyes use DR.. lisa ac
Thompson S Eye Water. Druggists sell it. 2oc.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

PIXIES T0oTHACHE DROPS cure in minute. &c
Gefafrs Sulphur Soap heals and beauties. &c
GERMAN CORN REMOVER kills Corns BunonA
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

Any Small Boy with Stick.
can kill tiger-if the tiger happens to be
found when only little cub So consunp-
ton, that deadIiest and most feared of dis
eases in this country, can assuredly be con-
quered and destroyed If DR.. Pierce's IS Gold
en- Medical Discovery be employed early
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

'sHE that is down need fear no fall"
because feathers fall SO hgntly.-Y z. Her
aid
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

WIEN the follicles are not destroyed.
Halls Hair Remover restores hair to bald
heads.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

"A German paper estimates that the
outlay for armies and navies to ulaIEs-
tain the peace of Europe is 900, 600. COG
marks annually.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

THE ssFavorite Prescription of DR.. Pierce
cures 20 female weakness and kindred at
fections- By druggists.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

PREFERRED creditors-Those who will not
dun.-Ihe Rambler
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

FoR all ailments originating in disorders
of the stomach and liver, take Ayers Pills.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

THE farmers favorite vest-Harvest.-
-Agent's Herald.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

The best cough medicine is Piso's Cure
for Consumption. Sold everywhere 25c.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

WREcKLEss engineering is what's wanted
on railroads and steamboats,.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

FIREaES, well as other people, like to
talk of their old flames.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

An ode-ous thing-A post.-Caffofaa
Maverick.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1886-02-11

Witt, the deeadence of pie-earinsg In
Nayv England it Is noticed that ghost
stories are falling off.-Boston Post.