Morning journal and courier., 1886-09-09
Great Sage on MarrIage-Brothe er Gardner, of the Lime Kiln Club, TellS All About 1t.

From the Detroit Free Pres5.l
 "Brudder Amibad Cantilever," :" said Broth
 CT Gardner, ''it am reported dat you am
 about to take unto yerself wife. Dat de
 report am true your recent ackshuns am
 proof You has been seen pricin' second
 hand stoves, squintin' at fo' dollar bedroom
 sweets an rustlin' around arter bric-a brac. Marriage am muffin you need be ashamed of,
 an I reckon you kin depend on dis club to
 warm up de house for you an leave behind
 some hard -bottomed cheers an few articles
 of tinware.
 ''Brudder Cantilever, marriage am 8 lot tery or dead sure thing-just you make it. If you git stuck on sight-fall in luv wid gal for her small feet, taperin' waist, dimpled chin or warblin mouf-an' marry her off hand at about twelve weeks notis, you needn't be astonished if dar am dyna- mite 'sploshun afore you hev bin hitched a week. Small feet an good temper doan' allus go together. Slim waists an kitchen economy may not work in the same harness. De gal who charms you by the way she drums de pianner may hatly refuse, a wife, to run dem same fingers ober de wash bod. Firstly, doan' git married until you know what you are bein' jinad to. Study de gal. Let de feet go an watch her temper. | Let de bangs go an watch her economy. | Nebber you mind about de way she dlmples her chin, but ax yerself if she'll make de | bed wid de foot lower dan de head. You I has got to do all de studyin'. Not one gal out of thousand eber stops to size up a luver. If his Grecian nose or curly ha'r or droopin' moustache strikes her fancy she'll nebber stop to study his natur' nor to ! worry ober his habits. She is marvin dat | nose, or head or moustache. A month ar | ter marriage, when he hauls her aroun' by de hair an slaps her dimpled jaw, she's l perfectly astonished to think she made such mistake.
 Secondly, Brudder Cantilever, arter de knot has bin tied make up yer mind dat
 de fucher won't be all plain sailin'. You I are gwine to be tried an tested an trub- bled, an you hev got to call up all yer manhood. You will h'ar de sasser scrapin' de bottom ob de four bar'l when you heven't got cent in yer pocket. De wood pile will run out in Jinuary an de sugar an bacon will seem to be carried off by de rats. If yer wife am eber so good natured | she will hev her trials an tribulashuns an dar may be times when she'll rig up an claw fur you. In de y'ars gone by my ole | woman has rushed upon me wid de rollin' pin, an has retorted in way to make
 her ears ache, but all de time I knowed she was savin' an good-hearted, and she knowed I'd empty my pockets ob de las shillin' to buy her new set of false friz- zes. If you am suited to each odder an | occashunal row in de family will prove a
 stickin' plaster to hold you de clusser to- gether. If, you ain't suited-if you diskiv-
 CT dat you hev struck a patch of Canada l thistles an can't sot still, an if de odder party diskivers dat she has taken tumble off de monument of romance an brought up wid thud in de mudhole of reality, you jist absquatulate apart. Go quietly an decently an git onhitched by divorce, | an let de wisdom gained by experience I stan at your right hand when ye make an | oder choice. Brudder Cantilever, my feel | ing an de feelins ob dis club am wid ye, an our good wishes, togedder wid at least
 two dollars wurth of tinware, kin be count 1 ed on whenever de fatal occashun arroves. :"