Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1886-10-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

reunion IN Maryland. When the Smith
family re-unite they viii select n larger
State for obvious reasons.
There is a crazy man in Buffalo who
imagines he is an umpire. And there
are lots of baseball players who imagine
their umpire is crazy man. - PtttSburg
Chronicle.
Let us not be harsh with the politi-
clans. Ii it wasn't for politics many
men who are too lazy to earn their liv-
ing with their hands would be paupers.
-Ieras Sytiugs.
I'm looking for employment, said
q young man entering merchants. Of
fee. 'sYou are, heyf Well, you'll find
it in the dictionary over there-er-
among the Els. p Tid-Bas.
First Dude Il say, Chawles, how much
did you pay for this cigar you just gave
me? Second Dude-A friend gave me
box of them. First Dude burning up
his nose)-You paid too much for them.
German Joke.
When a man stops at a railroad sta
ton with three minutes for refresh
fienta. and is handed out a'scaldlng hot
cup of coffee, it is dangerous to ask
him: us this hot enough for you?"-
LoaoeU Citizen.
Little Charlie Papa, will you buy me
a drum? Fond father-Ah, but, my
boy, you will disturb me very much if /
do. Charlie-O, no, papa; | won't
drum except when you're asleep.-Don-
ahoe's Magastae.
Summer Theatricals: "Do you pass
the perfesh?n asked q seedy individual
of the doorkeeper of the theatre. 'What
is your professionp" eI'm Il tramp"
"Pass right in. You're one of us,
see. - 1id-Bits.
"Who is that thin, cadaverous fellow
just coming up from the dressing
room?' 'lIe is the heavy man of the
company" Indeed! And who is that
fat man sitting over yonder?" Hes
the light comedian. n-KerchQnt IraU-
eier
did you go fishing when you were
in the country last week?' asked Pod
snap OF Fangle. NO; couldn't get any
bait, was the reply. "Why, that was
singular; how was that?n Happened
to strike a local-option neighborhood. !"
-PittSburg Chronicle.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox. in Il late poem,
jubilantly cries; 20, hoi for the West. y
/ Go, to, thou twanger OF the Tyre, the
West can do its own hoeingl 1t would,
| however, like few good scarecrows to
| stand around in the cornfelds just now
No objection to poets. = Cleveland Sun
''Can you tell me the difference be-
tween hen with three legs and very
young baby?" asked Hieronymus Tuck
Of Nebuchadnezzar Snippit. Il don't
think can" replied Snippit; "what is
it?' Zone is little strange and the
other is a little stranger. ~ ltSburg
Chronicle.
These are extrayagant days we live
in" said Mrs Crimsonbeak to her hus-
band, after they had been approached
by their son for fresh lining for his
pocketbook Eyes, and that probably
accounts for their getting shorter YOU
know, replied the eyer-jocular man. -
Yonkegs Statesman.
''What is this anti-saloon movementp''
asked q friend of our fellow-citizen,
Col. Calhoun Sozzle. "Ante saloon, y
says the Colonel. toying with the straw
berry that had settled in the bottom of
his glass, ''must be one of them clubs
where they play poker. Gimme an
other Of them, George. - Boston Butte
tin.
How irrevcrent the most fevorent
prayers of children sometimes seem.
Little Jack wanted a tricycle.. and he
was taught to pray for what he wanted.
AS he dropped on his knees by his little
bed he added to his ''Now | lay mel
'Please, God, make papa buy me a
tricycle.. That's dandy. "-Hartford
/ Post
The conductors of the Paris omni-
buses are witty as well as polite. The
/ other day a woman of immense size
/ stood on the sidewalk and hailed a
passing vehicle. rs there room for
me?" she asked. "No, madame" re-
piled the conductor, with great suavity;
there is only room fer one. From
/ The French
One of the great advertisers of ancient
/ times was Trajan, who inserted whole
I column in the Roman E'orun. He put
a cut of himself at the top of the column,
and ordered the whole thing to run
daily "tf. y The result was that Trajan
sold out his whole stock long ago,
and retired from business. -Sprtnqfeld
(Mass.) Union.
Dobson-Hello, Jobson, old man,
how are you? o. by the way, can you
change a 500 bill? Jobson pleased
to be thought capitalisD Certainly,
my boy, certainly. Dobson--Good! I'm
glad to hear it. Then you'll certainly
be able to pay me that S. you borrowed
last year. And Jobson had to pay
Son1erUiAe JourRal
Bagley-Did you enjoy yourself at
the clam-bakeP" Bailey : Indeed
did, Bagley-I suppose the CLANS
made good eatingP'' Bailey-I don't
know about that; / didn't wait You
see, they couldn't get the fire to burn,
50 we disposed of the liquids and came
home. can enjoy clam-bake every
day in the week. Ifd-Bits.
Two disreputable-looking and dirty
individuals are brought before the
Commissary of Police charged with
vagrancy "Where do you livep" de-
manded the magistrate Of one of them.
20, l have regular lodging" was the
reply "And you?" he asked, turning
to the other. Il live on the floor be-
low, yer Honor. French Joke.
80, isn't it lovely night, Adolphus?
just fancy how delightful the nights
must be in the Orient! The azure blue
sky, the perfume of the flowers, the soft
tinkling-" 81 tell you Miranda,
dear, prefer the nights they have in
Alaska. They're Just immense" I'M
mense, Adolphus?" Eyes, for counting.
They're so long, you know. -Pbiladel-
fltia GU.
The mackerel are swarming into
Canadian waters to escape the whales,
which are very numerous just now and
destructive of the smaller fish Here is
chance for sweet revenge. Let our
navy sail at once for the north and
drive the whales in shore, where they
will destroy the mackerel. We may
get square that way if in no other
Boston Post
Father" said Rollo, ''to whom was
Byron writing when he said, Fare thee
well, and if forever, still forever fare
thee well?' 20" said Rollo's father,
who is away mp in ancient history, "he
was writing an ode to PATHS farewell
tour; Still. forever fare thee WE'LL
And who was Byron?" asked Rollo.
HE was prophet, said Rollo's Uncle
George. Batrdetle.
A Boston young woman at Catsklll
said to her brother, in the absence of
somebody clse's brother, "There is an
cs5r+apocc "a hin 70 eCIan,nitv- ;Jon