The Washington critic., 1886-05-10
OUI-DIRE.
WRITTEN FOR THE wAsuISoToN CRITIC. ]


What a funny place is Washington
city, and what funny things one can
hear and see II he but keeps wide open
his ears and eyes! / have seen and
heard enough funny things in the past
year-being q society young woman
which, IL written out and published,
would make as good humorous book as
Mark Twain ever wrote. Some of these
funny things are too funny to keep in
side of the small circle l hear them in,
so have made up my mind, pro bono
publico, to deliberately tattlc. SO hear
goes. Mr.. Leader of the orchestra please
conclude the overture, Johnnie turn up
the footlights, and Mr.. Prompter ring
up the curtain on the great social and
eminently successful comedy Of Life in
Washington.
Is this q "chestnut9" If it is, it is a
good one and will bear rctelling.
At ball given during the past sea.
son by the wife of Cabinet officer, ex-
Senator B. was the escort of the wife
of Lieutenant Y. Mrs. u. is dashing
young woman, handsome, lively and
full OF fun. She and the ex-senator
who, by-the.way, is old enough to be
her father-are mutually fond of each
other, purely Platonic friendship as
sure.you, and during Lieutenant z.
absence on sea duty the ex-senator is
often the escort of Mrs.Z. to balls, parties
and other places of amusement, so there
was nothing new or unusual in their
arriUinn In tho a
Mrs. BIS elegant mansion on
the evening Of the ball in
question. Champagne and tcrrapin
reigned at supper time, especially the
former, and when Mrs. z. informed
her escort that she was ready for home
tn G jolly ex-senator was, to use an Gle.
giant and expressive term, 'loaded. !"
He knew pretty well what he was
about, however, and leaving Mrs. u.
in the vestibule, ran down the steps
and had the coupe called. A carriage
Immediately drove up and as he turned
to 60 back to the house to get Mrs. T.
that lady was at his elbow, at least he
thought it was she, and he gallantly as.
sisted her into the carriage, sprang in
himself. banged the door, the coach
man gave rein to the impatient horses
and they were off in flash. Some
mean people insist that the ex-senator
attempted to give the lady an affection
ate hug the instant the carriage door
closed upon them, but l don't believe
it, do you? At all events, both parties
discovered that mistake had been
made before the carriage had gone o
hundred feet.
The lady, instead of being the ex-
Senator'S dear friend, Mrs. H., was the
wife of Monsieur X. Minister from
and the poor little woman was so
frightened that she forgot nearly
every one of the few English words
she had acquired during her short stay
in America save police, fire and arat6r,
and these three she screamed at the
top of her voice as she vainly at
tempted to get the carriage door open.
The screams startled the coachman
and he abruptly pulled up his horses,
which gave the ex-senator, now thor
oughly sober, O chance to spring from
the carriage, which feat he lost nc
time in accomplishing, and he was i'm
mediately lost in the shadows of the
houses lining the street. After o few
words to the coachman, Nine. X. S car
| IIuSc uIONc lupiuly uouicWulu'
| The ex-senator found Mrs. z. pa
tiently awaiting his return, and as thu
couple passed down the steps and en-
tered theil carriage-the right one thi
time--the ex-senator was visibly agi
tated. He told Mrs u. his side Of thu
story, and she heard the other sid,
from Nine. X; and putting both to
gcther, she got at justabout the tru
state of affairs. The joke was too goo'
to keep. She told Mrs. So and So
Mrs. So and So told somebody else, ant
somebody else told it in strict conf
dence to a party of us girls one even
ing, and now / tell you. See! Stric
confidence, mind you.
Twas told the other evening that
certain young lady who was recent.
married to great society swell, ant
who has always worn dresses that fl
eXquisitely, Wedrs aoir6 .ftame. Wha
do you think of that for bit of gossi
to tell about ones own sex? But giI
that will wear wire frame is bas
fraud, and frauds ought. to be exposed
Her dressmaker told on her. You ca
Just rest assured that won't patroniz
that dressmaker, not that l wear wir
frames, but / do not care to have th
, secrets of my toilet discussed. Th
frame is made of fine, closely y-wove
wire, and when put on fills up all dis
; crepancies and gives the wearer til
rounded outlines and exquisite propoI
, tions of Venus. How she gets int
the frame deponent sayeth not; that
l secret between herself and the In
, ventor of the frame. She is often see
on the street, riding or walking, an
{ her beautiful figure is at once the az
| miration and envy of the fair sex
t With the frame on, one would put ht
t weight at 150 pounds, but she weigh
just lol, frame and all
F.. Mr.. j, was strolling through til
] parks one evening of last week, an
| met little Jimmy, the eight year old SC
t or Mrs. III. Having nothing better
@ do, Mr.. j, seated himself on one of til
c luxurious park seats, with Jimmy |
: his side, and the following conversatiC
!. took place;
I Jimmy--"Say, Mr.. j., why don't y
p come up and see sister Flora al
moreY"
Mr., J.-"Well, Jimmy, sister Flor
= has too many bcauX to suit me. can
u get any chance to talk with her"
Jimmy (scornfully)-"Shawl The
oint rno1 hpoux -