The Washington critic., 1886-03-29
GENERAL AND CRITICULAR.

VINO long ago learned 10 acknOWlcuBc ner
us lady OF extraordinary mental calibrc"
GENERAL AND CRITICULAR.
A moltgagcd church in Chicago put up
this sign iu the yestibule: "Salyation is free,
but pews are notn
While we view with alarm the recent ma
tional and International disturbances which
have shaken the civilized world to its cen
tire, have made thrones to tottcr, principal
titles to crumble, republics to waver, Sena-
tors to doubt, Presidents to fear aud tyrants
to blanch with terror, we point with pride
TO the fact that the baseball season opens
this week as bud Of promise In wilder
ness Of despair.
The state of morals has reached such per-
fection in Springfield Mass, that school
teacher was arrested there last week for
drawing n revolver on blackboard.
"Ugh," grunted topper when the bar
keeper refused to give him whisky and
handed him glass of water instead "Ugh,
amt much difference tween water an
your whisky any way"
"Of course not" replied the barkeeper.
'Only fifteen cents, that's ALL"
poetical Congressman, it is said, is
about to issue volume of poems entitled
"With Reed and Lyre." We know Reed,
but who's the other Congressman
"What kind Of a fowl do you call this 2"
asked boarder of K-street landady, as
he sawed away at piece on his plate.
"Why, Mr. Jones, that's duck-the real,
genuine canvas-back,n she answered. in
indignant astonishment.
"Canvas-back, ell ?" he queried. "Well,
should say the canvas had slipped around
in front. Bring me pair of scissors"
"Why do you like Mr.. Merton 50 muchY"
asked one girl of another. "IIc isn't SO re-
markably brilliant, is he ?'
"Oh, no." was the reply; Shut he is such
n courtly gentleman"
"Courtly" said the first girl-then she
stopped and watched the other girl blush.
ZONES Oh FlOrlun, Salu lnc clerk,
Looking up from his rollcall work;
STONES of Florida," he said with care,
Answerless was the vacant chair
There Is no Jones.
"Jones of Florida" echoed the walls,
To the oft-repcated Senate calls.
"Jones of Florida" cried his mates,
Lingering by the Senate gates
There is no Jones.
STONES of Florida.n From the shades
OF the hummock and the Everglades.
A hum of voices fills the air,
"We're going to fill the vacant chair,
There is no Jones.n
An M-street man wanted to have his wife
arrested for making an incendiary speech be.
cause she told him to get up and build the
| fire.
| The few lines below we refer to Chaplain
Milburn to cut out and paste In his hat
Some preachers pray unto the Lord
That He will punish or reward;
Some preachers pray for sinners good
The grace of each beatitude;
Some pray for dry, and some for rain,
Some pray for pleasure, some for pain,
| Some pray with lips and some with heart,
Some pray by nature, some by art,
And (this, of course, in whispers hinted)
Some preachers pray TO have 1t printed.
The President sat silent at his desk in
tent upon report of the Senate proceed.
ings in his case.
"Ah, Sire," said his private secretary
"art burdened with the affairs OF Slater"
"No, Daniel, quite the reverse" re-
sponded the man Of destiny.
"Indeed, Sire? How?'
"With the state of affairs, of course"
"Ia Hap replied Daniel, with great
gravity, and the President chucked the Con-
gressional Record into the waste-basket ant
II sank to the bottom out of sight.
The Prohibition barkeepers of Kansas
have already got out mixed drink calleC
"Pterodactyl.n 1t is one.half water anC
the other half spoon.
Chaplain Milburn's peculiar prayers to tn
Lord at the opening of the sessions Of tn
House provoke good deal of harsh crit
cism. At a gathering Saturday evening
where several Members of Congress Were
present, the chaplain, as Il special pleader
was severely denounced. The millest ex
preston used was that he was n 'cerica
crank" The country, herhaps, may agre
with the parson that little dynamite 4
Congressional prayers is needed to shake
up that body into realizing sense OF It,
general ungodliness.
In our Saturdays "Topics OF the Day.
the clever correspondent Of the Omaha BE
was assigned to the Omaha Herald. TIL
CRITIC extends to "Con" its sincere con
triton for this inadvertent mis6t
THE OLD DAYS.
o those old days those near yot far.of days
PACED with dear legends, winsome with sweG
| ways
When spendthrft hearts went n a.gypsyng;
Cared naught for form or statute laws Q
king,
But lived in melodies.
those old days; those loving, trustful day
When Youth wed Hope in joyful loye'sun
| lays
Ger thy glad hours and scenes, with sou
| swept strings
The psalm of life idylic back ward bring
| All blessed memories
o those old days those truesL. purest days
| So sweet so sad so full of tender grace