The sun., 1886-08-26
A Painful Editorial Career.


Until recently l was editor of ''The
Wayback Horn of Plenty" My jour-
nalistic career was short, sad and pain
full. am now brooding over the pain
full past. have so much painful past
to brood FER that haven't time to do
much else.
Let the frivolous and trifing pause
here and turn to another column. These
remarks are not for them. They are
for those who can weep couple OF
tears over my painful past.
My wife's name is Maria. She is a
woman of an economical turn of mind
and great force of character. In her
domestic walks "waste nothing" is her
maxim, and her constant efforts to
have me help her waste nothing
have been the cause of much of my
painful past.
The advertising patrons of 1.-THE
Horn of Plenty" paid me mainly in
sad-irons, cork-screws, garden seeds.
health food and a variety of other
things which congress has thus far
neglected to make legal tender. In
this respect my paper was truly Horn
of Plenty. 1t was more of the nature
of a hollow horn.
My first advertising contract yielded
me dozen liver pads. tried to trade
them to the grocer for a piece of bacon,
which, l thought, would give my liver
more JOY than a pad, but he looked at
me coldIy and said that liver pads had
gone out of style. When Maria found
them on my hands she insisted that l
should wear them, and when Maria in
sists l usually give in to save trouble
and loud talk. For twelve weeks l
wore large, scarlet-trimmed pad over
an innocent and well-behaved liver.
Then Maria gave the cast-off pads to
the local benevolent society for the
poor.
My next important contract brought
me an artificial leg. That rather
stumped Maria, as we were both fully
supplied with legs. The old wooden
limb caused her a great deal of mental
pain. Sometimes she seemed to almost
wish would lose leg somehow or
other, so that the artificial limb could
be turned to use. / knew that she was
grieving herself sick because l couldn' t
wear it and wouldn't try. l oft found
her weeping Ger the old unavailing
leg, and l was sorry | had told her
anything about it. She worried over
it for months, and then bright idea
struck her. She sent it to dear rela-
tive on the occasion of her wooden
wedding. The dear relative had full
set of legs of her own, but Maria said
that did not matter, ASIAN anniversary
gift was not valued for it's usefulness.
but for the giver.
Then a travelling agent traded me a
case Of horse powders. That sort of
health food nonplussed Maria for a
time, as we had no horse to feed them
to. She often gazed on me in way
that seemed to say l ought to end her
perplexity by taking the health food
myself, but she did not speak out, and
l was glad. After some months ven
tured to ask about the horse powders,
and then Maria told me frankly she had
mixed them in my griddle cakes, and
that had seemed to like them thus
She couldn't think of having them 60
to waste, she said, and as / complained
SO much about taking any little thing
of that sort, she had decided to smug-
gle them into me in disguise.
had another sort of respite from
keeping things from going to waste.
when mustard plaster maker sent me
six dozen of his biggest and strongest
plasters. with request for write-up.
.Dear Archimedes," said Maria,
with tender look at ME, 1--WE cannot
afford to waste these excellent plasters.
You must let me put several of them
on you every night. A man Of your
build and habits is liable to have some
sort of sickness at any moment. These
six dozen mustard plasters may save
your life"
l kicked, but to no purpose. I went
to bed with six or seven large, warm,
thrilling mustard plasters stuck about
was one on each foot, large one cover
ed my gothic backbone and another
warmed itself in my bosom. 1t also
warmed my bosom. When all these
shop-made mustard plasters got to
work they made things lively for
poor old Archimedes Hardpan. They
filled me full Of intense excitement. /
am q tough old fossil, but I couldn't t
stand a great deal of that sort of thing,
SO l rose up in bed with wild, blood
chilling warwhoop and filed the air
with mustard plasters.
l sold "The Horn of Plenty soon
after that last painful event. Maria
has given those vigorous, thrilling mus
tard plasters to the missionary society
to send TO the heathen. and when the
heather adorns himself with nine or
ten of them and stovepipe hat, and
goes to church with a triumphal air,
| shall want to hear how he deports
himself. | am. therefore, anxiously
awaiting advices from the heathen. 1
don't know the heathen, but am we'll
acquainted with those mustard plas-
rs.-ScqA Way, IN Detroit Free Press.