The Irish standard., 1886-08-07
g TANDARD' BREVITIES.

ton.
The more you check spendthrift the
faster he goes.
It is only on the biggest scales that
YOU can learn the weight Of the world.
Tranps always say, 81 seen some
wood They never put it: II saw
some wood. y
4 little Harlem girl recently said she
was not afraid Of mad dogs because her
father was pastor.
4 man had much rather be fined $50
Tor driving than to be told that his
horse couldn't trot fast enough to break
the statute
According to newspaper authority
every Confederate officer who has a
grown-up daughter is the father of ''the
belle of the Sonth.''
There is no use Of talking Of wheat
corners or lard corners Or oil corners at
this season Of the year. WHAT every
body wants is cool corner.
What's that? A Chicago clergyman
suffering from oyerwork? Well, no
wonder. He ought to have known bet
ter than to attempt the impossible.
4 Chicago jeveer is said to have in
vented !. self winding watch Now let
the same genius apply hi nse!f to the i'll
yention OF a self~fnding watch key.
''ls there al elevator ia this build
ing?" asked a gentleman OF the new COL
ored hall boy. ELLA Water" sighed
the boy, dor you better suit the
'rectory, sab.
When rockets were soaring July
little Ella, mtut 4, was III delight, save
for slight tear that was on her mind.
Mamma, ,lon't You fink the angels will
be scared?'
A young dude trippcd into restau
rant and in an updertone said to the
waiter: Bring me all yeahl outlet"
Another case Of yeale within veais, !"
nl,ttered the waiter.
Whats the admission to this here
show. strangcr?'' No charge for All
mission, sir. This is g church. . ''Wall,
for free blowout there don't seem to
be much OF a rush"
A. traveller recently returned from
Alaska tells Of a bear being killed by
mosquitoes. If nature knew her bust
ness she would introduce a bear that
would kill mosquitoes.
Judge-''How did you feel, Mr..
Snaggs, after the prisoner robbed
you?'' Snaggs--'tAs he walked off with
$500 of mine, I must admit, I felt very
much relieved Most of it was in silver
dollars
The Chinese alphabet contains about
SC. 900, 900 characters, and tie man who
thinks Of constructing a Chinese type
writer will have to make It the size OF a
sif.y-horse power tbreshing machine and
run it by steam.
A youth who Was teaching the DUMB
To read and to write and 70 s,mb
Fell i,l;o Disgrace
And lost good place.
Ey being too fond Of his r.lmb.
In exchange heads an article OIL a
forthcoming marriage i'll Europe "a
ROYAL Match.:' A royal match is a.
rather slow affair. Tt takes so long to
strike one. In this country parlor
matches are made more rapidly.
When she Yankees make & wire fence
and keep all the mackerel outside OF the
three-mile fish shore limit Canada has
marked out for herself, then Canatla
will want to make 81 new deal and pun
ish the purchase Of bait by death.
The ministers in large cities axe now
n1etlitating with interest upon the words |;
Of Simon Peter, q. go fishing It is
not recorded, however, that Peter and
all the other disciples ever left town in q
body and shut up their churches during
vacation.
It was character who, years ago.
while at the railroad station when a
young man came i'll just too late for the
train and began iawing about it, said to
the belated youth "Young man, when
you amt here they run the railroad
train by that clock (pointing to the
timepiece) up there
Mrs, Stillpoor-"And so you really
sail tomorrow for Europe, Mrs, Newly
rich?" Mrs. Newlyrich-"Yes; every
thing is already'' Mrs. Stillpoor-"Has
yovr husband obtained letter of credit,
yet?" Mrs, Newlyrich-"Oh, we shan't
ask for credit John expects to pay
cash down for everything"
4 little Montgomery girl wanted