The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1886-07-01
HUMOR.
AN envelope is like woman. 1t can't

iOOk OUT VIC 4hdiho Shaheos
IF you are waiting for something to
turn up just step on barrel hoop
Mr.. FAINTHEART-Do you think it
would be safe for me to approach your
pa on the subject? Miss Fair Lady
Oh, perfectly, he has the govt again.
Chicago Nelcs.
HIPPoPoTAMUsEs are down as low as
$1,000 apiece; but until they come
down to S5.50 they will be classed
among the Injuries in poor families,
who will try to worry along with two
or three dogs.
"WHAT has become of the bootjack?"
said Towser, savagely, as he knocked
things about. II had il last night"
ats on the mantel piece" replied Mrs.
Towser. Il covered it with plush to-
day and painted some flowers on it.
Isn't it lovely?"
IN MEMoRIAM.
A bicycle-a boy;
Great pleasure, great Joy;
A stone in "A street
Stone and wheel meet
A bicycle-no boy
No pleasure, no JOY.
A funeral-sad tale
A bicycle for sale.
-N0rTisto1cn Herald.
"PAPA," said little Johnny Upstart
to his father as the two were garden
ing one very warm morning; papa!
didn't you say that yesterday was very
raw day." Il believe ] did, my son."
"An' don't you think that If it had
stayed here till now it'd be pretty well
cooked by this time ?"- Yo7akers Ga
zette.
FIRST Boy-"My pa blows horn in
the band" Second Boy-"That amt
nothin'." F. B.-"Mischief it amt;
moan your ole pa can do. My pa goes
to parties an picnics an your ole pa
can't go there" S. B.-"Yes, an my
pa is in the penitentiary an your ole
pa can't go there either. ~ ArkonSa,C
Traueler.
"AREN'T executions part of your du-
ties that you'd rather dispense with?"
asked an Eastern friend of a Missouri
sheriff. Il never perform any execu-
tons" why, 1 thought nearly all
sherifis were occasionally obliged to
hang some one?' "You forget that
this is Missouri. All have to do is to
make show of defending the Jail keys
and then handing them over to the boys
at last. They attend to everything
after that. "-Estelline Bell.
FAIR Applicant-"I desire, sir, an abb
solute separation from my husband"
Attorney-"Upon what ground, madam,
do you base your plea 2" I've are not
suited to each other. He does not APP
preciate the finer sensibilities of my
more delicately organized nature, and
hY,t hn, %hAN Sc c,,N
fear, madam, in the absence of moro
substantial cause for complaint, an
action would not lie." Not liei 1t is
you, sir, / engage for that purpose.
Iid-BitS.
TEA is said to be adulterated with
old rubber shoes chopped into small
pieces acd twisted and colored to re-
semble the Oriental leaf; there are
other authorizations, such as nutgalls,
iron filings, granulated wood and many
other ingredients more or less harmful,
but the fact does not interfere bit
with the customs of society. The
yum Y um teas" are still held, and the
ladies continue to drink the tongue
.oosening 'tipple to the accompaniment
of the latest gossip without its appar-
cuIly uOluS IucIu al uttlu.
Courier.
THE POET.
The orthodox poet and singer OF meter should
he sound sleeper and vigorous eater; join
the learning of Paul to the fervor of Potter,
know the balancing rhymes and the rhyth-
mical teeter
CT lflacs and smilax,
OF zephyrs aud heifers,
OF ballads and salads,
OF over-a rched bowers OF greenery and flowers;
And work on one rhyme for hours upon hours.
Know the whole range OF history from Cleve-
land TO Priam, and the thought Of oil lands
from New Brunswick to Siam and work
like IA drudge at "A dollar per diem, love oil
lovely objects with no cash to buy en-;
Such as roses and posies,
And mountains and fountains,
And pictures and fixtures,
And gorgeous pavilons for Lauras and Lilinns
And large bank deposit far up in the millions.
His lines should be fun of nabobs and emirs, Of
giaours and khans and Orient dreemers,
of cymbals and shawms and victorious
steamers. and end in a climax of glory and
screamers,
With clashng and slnshingi
With roaring and pouring!
With lunging and plum ing
And burst in n chasIn of blank protoplasm
In gunpowder chaos and dynamite spasmi